Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10820787.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      방탄소년단_|_Bangtan_Boys_|_BTS
  Relationship:
      Kim_Taehyung_|_V/Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Jeon_Jungkook/Kim_Taehyung_|_V, Jeon
      Jungkook_&_Kim_Taehyung_|_V, Kim_Taehyung_|_V_&_Min_Yoongi_|_Suga
  Character:
      Kim_Taehyung_|_V, Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Jeon_Jungkook, Jung_Hoseok_|_J-Hope,
      Kim_Namjoon_|_Rap_Monster, Kim_Seokjin_|_Jin
  Additional Tags:
      Fluff, Mild_Gore, Homophobia, Blood_and_Violence, Drug_Use, Humor, Angst,
      Drama_&_Romance, Bullying, Top_Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Bottom_Kim_Taehyung_|
      V, Depressed_Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Top_Kim_Taehyung_|_V, Bottom_Min_Yoongi_|
      Suga, Mental_Breakdown, Implied/Referenced_Abuse, Drug_Addiction,
      Prostitution, Smut
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-05-04 Updated: 2018-03-15 Chapters: 61/65 Words: 346637
****** My Rock or My Hard Place ******
by bangtan_brwnsuga80
Summary
     Taehyung faces a tough decision: Reclaim the long-lost love stolen
     from him ten years ago, or nurture the new love he has been building
     with someone else. A trip to Vegas with his soon-to-be boyfriend,
     Jungkook, leads Taehyung to his former love, Yoongi. Both men are
     willing to go to any lengths to win his heart, but both have pasts
     which threaten to ruin any chance of their happiness. Who will
     Taehyung choose? His dependable, loyal, soulmate and first love
     Yoongi? Or exciting, troubled, devoted, underdog Jungkook?
Notes
     1. First person pov is the present. Third person pov is a flashback.
     2. In the present Yoongi is 27, Taehyung is 24, and Jungkook is 22.
     3. My OTP has always been Taekook, but the stories on this site made
     me fall for Taegi so I can't decide who I want to end up together.
     4. I've always felt like being overly descriptive takes away from the
     imaginative aspect of reading. So describing clothes, rooms,
     characters, etc...don't expect too much of it. Only when necessary. I
     want the reader to see the characters and the places how they want
     to. Not how I want them to. Sry in advance.
     5. I don't get triggered easily, so feel free to voice opinions,
     suggestions, and criticisms. I really don't mind as long as it's done
     respectfully. I love feedback, even bad, because I can learn from it
     and do better the next time.
     LOL. Oh well...I'm about to lose my fanfic writing virginity. Here
     goes....
     Twitter: @kljnf
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Inadvertent Rendezvous *****
                                [display this]
His smile. It was all I needed to see to know that he was him. I watched from
across the poker table where I sat; he was two tables away. I saw as the man
seated next to him whispered something into his ear, smirking. I watched as his
eyes sparked with dangerous amusement and delight; his beautiful and unique
boxy grin transformed as he threw his head back in a full-bodied laugh.
I swear I saw his laughter physically manifest in exquisitely vibrant hues,
dancing across the table seeking me. I watched in absolute wonder as it
eventually found me—caressing me lovingly before penetrating and traversing
every dimension of my being. Naturally, I welcomed it. My soul, my mind, my
body responded in a paroxysm of pleasure I had not felt for ten years. He was
much older now and had striking red hair, but it was him. He was alive. He was
smiling. He was beautiful. I watched as he gave the guy a quick peck on the
cheek, waggled his eyebrows and walked away. He was…leaving.
I thought I could ignore the flare of jealousy upon witnessing the kiss, but
forcefully threw my cards down on the table in frustration—I only had a pair of
jacks anyway—and followed him as he glided aimlessly through the casino. I
navigated my way through endless bodies, sometimes being a bit rough as I
pushed my way through. I didn’t want to lose sight of him again now that he was
within my reach after losing so many years.
Desperation and trepidation threatened to raze my shell-shocked spirit as he
turned a corner. I sped up and turned the same corner, frantically seeking his
perfect frame or exquisite face…alas, I had lost him to the crowd. Dejected and
emotionally wrecked, I entered the same crowd. What had I done to deserve such
cruelty?
Disheartened, I wandered through the casino. After mistaking four or five or
fifteen people for the one I sought, I gave up hope. I absent-mindedly tugged
at the charm hanging from the thin platinum chain around my neck, soon placing
said charm in my mouth and biting down on it with my teeth. It was a bad habit
I had picked up the very day he lovingly placed it around my neck. Whenever I
was deep in thought, frustrated, or having a crisis I would chew on my half of
the Taijitu symbol. I wondered if he still had his half…
Who would have thought after years of online searches, private detectives and
dead ends, I would run into him in a random casino in Las Vegas? It was
preposterous, ludicrous even. My mind was already buzzing with so many ideas; I
chewed on my charm to regain focus. Okay, first I would contact the owner and
see if I could get the list of guests staying in the hotel here, maybe even see
if I could get my hands on the surveillance equipment. I’m sure that me being
who I am is enough to get him to cooperate.
I changed my trajectory and headed to the front desk, still chewing away as I
tried to commit a mental image of his mind-blowing features to memory. I
wouldn’t have noticed that I had bumped into something solid if I hadn’t landed
flat on my ass as ice cubes and alcohol rained on me from above. I looked up,
Taijitu still between my teeth, and froze. It was him.
“I’m so sorry! I tried to say excuse me, but I don’t think you heard….” he
smiled as he started to ramble, reaching out a hand to help me up. He saw my
face and he froze, mid-speech, as well. I watched as his eyes locked onto mine.
I watched as his questioning gaze traveled to my mouth, and then back to my
eyes with sheer incredulity. I watched his signature rectangular grin morph
into a circle of surprise. I heard the murmured, “No…it can’t be” that
involuntarily escaped his precious lips. I watched him reach into his shirt and
pull out the other half of the Taijitu, hands shaking and an almost terrified
expression on his face. He stared at it as if it was the only thing tethering
him to this world. His eyes found mine again. I watched as he dropped down,
broken, to his knees, moving closer and closer until he was inches from my
face. I watched as tears welled up in his eyes, and he reached out to stroke my
cheek in disbelief. "Yoongi?" he choked out.
Everything else disappeared as I wallowed in his recognition. He knew me. He
remembered. My pulse sprinted as a thin sheen of sweat graced my now burning
face. My eyes prickled as the tears began to build, but I held them back. After
everything I had done to find him, suddenly I was hesitant to acknowledge that
I was who he thought I was. I was afraid of how my life would change. However,
I was more afraid to do nothing and lose him again than to answer him. I let
out a long breath, not realizing that I had been holding it since the moment my
eyes met his face. I gently placed my hands upon his cheeks and reverently
spoke the name I had cherished as far back as my memory allows.
“Taehyung…I…I'm here. I finally followed you.” Then I flicked the mole on his
nose and kissed it, my personal gesture of affection created solely for him—we
had been kids then. I watched as his tears fell. I watched as he fell apart in
my arms. My Tae, in my arms. I embraced him, squeezing desperately, rubbing
comforting circles into his lower back and murmuring sweet words of comfort and
promise into his ear. I vowed right then that I wouldn't let go of him again.
That I would never lose him again. Never.
***** Min-fucking Yoongi, the Liar *****
I couldn’t believe it. He was here. Min fucking Yoongi was here in the flesh,
holding and consoling me. I was a blubbering mess and he was the epitome of
calm. I knew I was lost in the moment because I hadn’t punched him in the face
once I knew it was him. I hadn’t castrated him, set his suit on fire, gutted
him with an ice pick, skinned him alive nor any of other murder scenarios I had
imagined since the day I realized he wasn’t coming for me. He had abandoned me.
Left me to fend for myself in this lonely, god-forsaken, cruel world after
promising me he would find me and protect me and we would be together and love
each other forever. I guess for Yoongi forever wasn’t a very long time. And
here I sit, sobbing pathetically in his arms as he whispers the very same lies
from ten years ago into my ears. I felt the anger building, finally cresting as
I pushed myself (quite pugnaciously) out of his arms and shot him my most
venomous glare. Then, I mustered all of the physical strength I could and
punched him right in the fucking nose. I ignored the grunt of pain and the
immediate spurt of blood that followed. “Liar,” I spat, as I stood and stormed
off.
“Tae…” he called out to me, but I ignored him and made my way back to the poker
tables. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, trying to hide the fact that I had been
crying. I don’t know how he knew I was coming but I saw him stand, peering
around the room until his eyes landed on me pushing my way through the crowd.
Relief flooded his face as I practically leapt into his outstretched arms.
“Kookie…” I whined. He hugged me, kissing the top of my head. He grabbed my
chin and forced me to meet his eyes.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Are you not feeling well?” As he asks these
questions as he does an impromptu inspection, looking and feeling me up and
down worriedly. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
I shut off the weighty, icky emotions. “Can we leave? Like now? Please Kookie?”
I begged.
He chuckled affectionately. “Leave? But, sweetie we just got here.” I rolled my
eyes and pouted. “Please? Can’t we stay for a bit longer? I’m on a bit of
winning streak here.” He gestured at the chips on the table. “I’m already up
$3000.”
“That’s great and all, Kookie, but I’m tired. I just want to go to the room and
relax.” I quickly scanned the room, looking for any sign of that pale demon. I
knew that if I saw him I would lose it again.
“Relax? Wha…” He grabbed me by the shoulders, peering deeply into my eyes.
“Tae, baby…what’s wrong? Really. Don’t lie to me or try to pretend it’s not
important. Tell me.”
I reached out to caress his cheek. “I promise. It’s nothing. M’just tired,
that’s all.” His gaze intensified, trying to find some proof of a lie in my
words. It’s a good thing I was a practiced liar, acting was a hobby of mine.
“Really, I’m fine. Just need to rest…time change and all.” I leaned into him
and he gave me a squeeze. He ran his fingers through my hair, gently massaging
the nape once he reached it. I forced myself to relax at his touch.
“You sure you’re ok?”
I looked up at him and nodded, intentionally turning up the wattage on my
smile. “I’m good. I’m just going to head upstairs and rest for a bit.” I needed
to get out of here quickly because my façade was beginning to crack. All I
could think about was Yoongi. He was here under the same roof. He had broken my
heart and I had just begun to recover. I had to get away from him. Despite my
desperation to run and hide, I had to make sure Jungkook and I would be okay. I
didn’t want him to worry, especially after all we had been through together.
There was no need to get him involved in more of my drama. He’d suffered enough
because of me. I wanted to tell him about Yoongi…just not right now.
“How about this…I’ll play for a little while longer, rack up a few more stacks,
and then meet you up there. I’ll run you a nice, hot bath, bathe you and wash
your hair, give you a full body massage—with oil—and then we’ll watch anime
until we both fall asleep.” He was convinced.
I giggled, playfully hitting him on his shoulder. “You’re so soft for me, it’s
disgusting.”
“Only for you Tae.” he replied, earnestly. He kissed me and I could taste the
sincerity.
“Will there be snacks?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh, there will definitely be snacks.” He smiled his cute bunny smile and my
aching heart took another hit.
“Good.” I gave him another quick peck and he squeezed my ass. “It’s a date.” I
shot him a wink as I took my leave. When I was safely out of his sight and
earshot, the tears fought their way to the surface. I barreled my way through
the throngs of gamblers and drunken revelers and made my way to the elevator. I
entered with the full intention of breaking down as soon as the doors
closed…but of course, fate had other plans for me. I knew it was him as soon as
his hand halted the closing doors. Yoongi stepped in, eyes red and puffy…busted
nose marring his otherwise perfect, pale, handsome face. I backed up further
into the elevator, panicking because there was no escaping him, unless I went
through him. I began to cry, like boo-hoo cry.
I don’t know how it was possible for him to become paler, but it happened. He
looked utterly lost, reaching out for me hesitantly like he was frightened of
my reaction…but then again, I had just punched him minutes ago. “Tae…” He
frustratingly ran his fingers through his ebony locks. I witnessed his
compulsory grab for the charm around his neck, but he forced his hands away. I
heard the doors close. I was trapped.
I don’t know what broke inside of me but my body was fraught with tremors as I
sobbed uncontrollably. I could never pretend in front of Yoongi. He knew me as
well as I knew him. He somehow teleported to me in a fraction of a fraction of
a second. He forced me to meet his gaze. I wasn’t a stranger to the pain I saw
in his dark eyes; I saw the same in my own every time I was brave enough to
face a mirror. Simultaneously, a wave of affection and revulsion permeated in
me. I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the warring emotions and began to
hyperventilate through the tears.. “Y-Y-You n-ne-ver ca-came…LIAR!” I forced
out. I yanked the chain from around my neck and threw my half of the Taijitu at
his feet. “Min-ssi!” I watched as his face cracked. I swayed as my body went
limp, my eyelashes fluttering. The last thing I remember is the wretched cry of
my name from those cursed lips as I fell, his strong arms catching me before I
hit the floor. Everything went black.
***** Yogi Likes Tae-Tae More than He Hates Butt Water *****
Chapter Summary
     Taegi meets.
Chapter Notes
     Flashbacks are dialogue heavy.
The five year old intended to use the restroom, but walked into absolute chaos.
There was toilet paper all over a soaked floor. A small boy stood near the
toilets, pressing a button. “What are you doing!?!”
He never looked up from the spray of water. “Playin’ wid dis fountin.” He
placed his hand over the water spout, making it fan out in all directions.
“Fountain?” Yoongi screwed up his face in digust.
“Yea. My mama sez it’s a ba-day. Is ba-day another word for fountin?”
“No, it’s not. A bidet is a bidet.”
“Well, it’s cool.”
“It’s really not.”
The small boy looked up curiously with the biggest, widest, brownest, most
beautiful eyes Yoongi had ever seen. “Why not?”
In spite of how disgusted he was by the boy touching such a dirty thing, he
felt a rush of affection as well, wanting grab him and hug him until he popped.
He was so cute. He was also very familiar…did he know this boy? He didn’t
remember meeting him ever. And he was too little to be in his kindergarten
class. But he had always wanted a little brother, so... “It’s for butts.” The
cutie looked confused. “You know, like when you...” He continued to look at
him, completely lost. “Are you even potty trained?”
“Yea, I got a potty! But I don’t use dat anymore. It’s for da babies.”
“Well, this is like a potty for the big people. The water shoots up and cleans
them up after they…” he put a hand up and whispered conspiratorially, “….poop!”
After a second of introspection, absolute horror flooded the little cutie’s
face. He looked at the loathsome contraption, then at his hands like they were
the physical incarnations of his worst nightmares. Then he looked up at the
elder, eyes wide in fear. He began to cry. “B-but…I-I thought it was a fountin…
“
“Sorry, kiddo.”
“I was thirsty!” he outright sobbed, full of revulsion. He covered his eyes
with his hands.
Ugh, how dirty!Yoongi thought, but he didn’t want to scare the kid. “It’s okay,
don’t cry. I’ll help you wash your hands. And I’ll help you clean your mouth
out.” Even though he was repulsed by the thought of hands covered in butt
water, he held out his hand to the boy. The boy looked through his fingers
first, then grabbed the extended hand. They walked towards the sink as the
little boy sniffled. “What’s your name, by the way?”
“Tae-tae.”
“How old are you?”
“Dis many…” He held up three fingers, making the older boy smile. “It was my
birfday yesterday.”
“Well, cutie pie Tae-Tae, from now on stick with me okay. I’ll make sure to
keep you safe from butt water and all the other bad things big people don’t
tell you about.” He gently pinched the younger’s cheek.
Tae-Tae giggled. “M’kay…wuz yo’ name?”
“Yoongi.”
“Yogi?”
“Nah, Yoongi.”
“Dat’s wut I said…Yogi.”
“You know what kid, just call me whatever you want.”
Tae looked up at him, eyes filled with adoration and amazement. “Yogi...my
Yogi.”
Yoongi blushed, but didn’t know why. “At least call me hyung…I’m older than you
and have to take care of you. So call me Yogi-hyung, ok?”
“Yogi-hyung…you’re my Yogi-hyung,” the boy sang out.
“That’s right, kid.” Yoongi stopped walking and took in the entire scene.
“Question, Tae. Why is there tp all over a wet floor?”
“I wuz makin’ it snow and rain at the same time.” Tae replied seriously. “Cool,
huh?”
Yoongi couldn’t contain the giggles that exploded from him. Tae laughed with
him just because. “C’mon, brat. Let’s clean you up and get out of here before
we get caught and blamed for this mess.”
Tae nodded, looking up at Yoongi with absolute trust. “Okay, my Yogi.”
When they were done, they headed back into the party hand and hand. After
weaving his way through several adults (and dodging some snot-nosed brats he
hated playing with) Yoongi found his mother talking to a very pretty lady,
laughing with her hand resting lightly on her chest. He tugged on her dress to
get the woman’s attention. “Eomma…I found this kid. His name is Tae-Tae.”
She looked at them, eyes shining brightly as she cooed. “Kim Soyoung…look at
our precious babies. They found each other.” She reached down and pinched both
of their cheeks, cooing at them.
“Yah, that’s Kang Soyoung. I’m a married woman with a child now.”
“Aw…you’re just as cute as they are.” Yoongi’s mother started pinching the
woman’s cheeks, cooing and laughing.
“Min Yunhee! Eonnie! Stop it! I’m an adult now, you can’t just walk around
pinching my cheeks like I’m some kid,” she huffed.
“But it’s been so long…you left me and went to the states for almost three
whole years. Three years! How am I supposed to resist pinching those cute
cheeks of yours?”
The younger pouted. “Why was I born the youngest? Curse my parents. If I were
older I would pinch your cheeks so you could see how it feels.” She bent over
peering at the kids. “Hello, Yoongi…do you remember me? Your Eomma Soyoung?”
The small boy shook his head. “Aish…gone for a few years and he forgets me.
Eonnie, you told me you would make sure he remembered us!” She slapped the
other on her arm teasingly.
“He was so small though when you left. I could only show him pictures, so it
was hard. But look, they found each other without any help at all. And now that
you’re back we can raise them together like we always planned. Yoongi and
Taehyung.”
“They’ll be best friends…close like brothers.”
“Closer even than us!”
“No one could be closer than us, Eonnie!”
The two boys watched terrified as the women squealed in delight, talking about
playdates and schools. After a few more cheek pinches and hair ruffles, Yoongi
dragged the smaller away from the crazed women. They dodged the servers who
were walking around with champagne glasses on trays. He lifted up the
tablecloth on a long banquet table and pulled Taehyung underneath. It was dark.
“Why're we in here, Yogi-hyung?”
“Because big people are nuts. Our cheeks’ll be safer here.”
“Ok. What’re they doin’ now?”
They both peeked from underneath the tablecloth. The adults all had glasses
held in the air, and they were counting backwards. “Ah,” Yoongi offered sagely,
“they did the same last year. It’s New Year’s.”
3…2…1…Happy New Year!!!The adults blew noisemakers and popped poppers as
balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling.
“Wow….” Taehyung said, eyes filled with wonder.
“It’s pretty….” Yoongi offered, equally impressed.
They saw the adults hugging and kissing as music started to play. The boys
looked at each other. Tae leaned over and gave Yoongi big, sloppy, wet kiss on
the cheek and hugged him around the neck. “Happy New Year, my Yogi!” he said
happily.
Yoongi’s mind wandered back to the butt water Tae had ingested earlier…he found
that he didn’t care. He smiled gummily down at his new friend. “Happy New Year,
Tae-Tae.” He kissed the little boy on his cheek, then blew a raspberry.
Taehyung giggled, trying to push him away. “Yogi-hyung it tickles!!!”
“Tae-Tae is ticklish? Uh-oh…don’t say that under here. The tickle monster might
hear you….”
“Monster?” he asked, eyes going wide. “Here?”
“Shhhh…it might hear you.” Yoongi whispered, placing one finger over the small
boy’s lips. Taehyung inched closer to the elder, grabbing tightly onto his
sleeve. “It lives under tables, looking for cute little three year old boys
named Tae-Tae.”
“B-b-but…dat’s me.”
Yoongi smiled devilishly. “Mm-hmm. They creep up from behind….” Yoongi wriggled
his fingers spookily in Tae’s face.
“Then what?” he whispered incredulously, leaning closer.
“Then they…” Yoongi and Taehyung’s noses were almost touching now “BOO! TICKLE
YOU!” He launched himself at the small boy, knocking him over as he tickled.
Taehyung was consumed by laughter, red-faced and squiggling under his elder’s
touch. Yoongi was so enthralled with the younger’s reaction that he didn’t want
to stop tickling…but he didn’t want the boy to have an ‘accident’. So, he let
him go…eventually.
“Yogi-hyung, you’re the tickle monster,” he laughed.
“Don’t tell anybody, okay? It’s our secret.”
“Hehehehe, okay Yogi-hyung…but…there’s no other monsters under here, huh?” he
asked warily.
“No way. But if there were I would make sure they didn’t get you. Didn’t you
hear our moms? We’re going to be best friends. Like real brothers. I’d protect
you.” He wrapped an arm around Taehyung’s shoulders. “I got your back.” Tae
smiled up at him and leaned into the cuddle. They sat there together, watching
the adults party the night away.
Their mothers cooed and took several pictures when they were found asleep under
the table later, smiling and still clinging to each other tightly.
***** Kindlegarden *****
Yoongi and Taehyung were on a playdate at the younger’s house. They had built a
sprawling city that took up nearly the entire floor with wooden blocks. It had
been fairly quiet and Yoongi was thoroughly enjoying himself when out of
nowhere, Tae angrily put his chubby fist through one of the buildings…the
school.
“I hate that place. You can never come and play with me in the daytime. I have
ta go to the playground by myselfand play with those kids I don’t like. Whyddya
have ta go to school in the first place when you can just stay with your Tae-
Tae?”
“I don’t know. My dad said it was so I could be a good business man when I grow
up. But all we do in first grade is count and learn letters and words. Then my
teacher reads us stories and teaches us songs. There is this thing called
‘maths’ that’s pretty hard, but the rest is super easy. And we sleep sometimes.
I thought business would be much harder than just that stuff.”
“Well, I’m not gonna be a bizness man…so I don’t have to go to kindlegarden
next year.”
“But all kids have to go to kindergarten.”
“Why though? It’s stupid anyway, my mama’s garden is way better than a stupid
kindlegarden.”
Yoongi giggled, ruffling the small boy’s hair. “It’s not even close to the same
thing, Tae-Tae.”
“I know. Ours is waaaaay better,” Tae said smugly.
Yoongi could only shake his head at his dongsaeng’s silliness. “Speaking of
your mom’s garden, can we go look at it? Want to go outside?”
Tae scrunched up his face, deep in thought, before smiling brilliantly showing
all his teeth. “We should go…the flutterblys might be there. And I can show you
my favoritest flower in the whole wide world.”
“A new favorite?”
“Yes! But it’s gonna be my favoritest flower forever.” He stood up and grabbed
Yoongi’s hand, tugging him to his feet. “C’mon, my Yogi.” He dragged the older
boy downstairs and into the kitchen where their mothers sat, sipping tea and
gossiping.
“Eomma Soyoung, can we please go and see the garden?” Yoongi asked politely.
“Aigoo…Eonnie, they’re even holding hands!”
“Wait, let me grab the camera…” They were prodded and posed as the camera
clicked over and over again. Finally, they got permission and escaped out into
the sunshine.
The Kim’s vast backyard could rival any botanical garden. A diverse assortment
of fruit trees, flowers, plants, plants, herbs, and vegetables were spread out
all over the ten acre estate. The ‘backyard’ was devoted to flowers; it was
Yoongi and Taehyung’s favorite place on the estate. Even though the boys
regularly visited the garden, they couldn’t help but be in awe of the brilliant
hues and various species.
Taehyung led the elder by the hand through a throng of enormous, flamboyant
flowers. They finally stopped in the middle of tall thick stalks.
“These are my favoritest flowers.” Taehyung pointed up at the bright yellow
flowers towering over them. They were at least triple Yoongi’s height. “These
are my sunflowers.”
“Whoa….they’re really tall.”
“Yea, and they’re yellow and pretty. They look like the sun, huh Yogi-hyung?”
“They do…kind of.”
“And they grow seeds for da birds ta eat. We can eat ‘em too, but Eomma hasta
cook it first.”
“That’s cool….they really are pretty. Can I have one?”
“Sure, one doesn’t matter. We have lotsa sunflowers. Red ones and orange ones
and white ones too. Yellow is my favoritest tho.”
The boys pulled down a stalk, Taehyung holding it in place as Yoongi broke off
the top of the stalk. Yoongi stared thoughtfully at flower, before thinning the
stem and placing it carefully behind Taehyung’s ear. “It looks better there,”
he said. Taehyung squinted his eyes in glee, rectangular grin blossoming on his
face.
“Aigoo….so cute! Make sure you get that one, Yunhee!”
“Shush…I’m getting it!” Their mothers had followed them out into the garden,
still snapping pictures.
“C’mon, Tae-Tae. They’re acting weird again.” He grabbed Taehyung’s hand,
leading him to a section of the garden where there were several butterflies.
Taehyung screeched happily, running back and forth trying to catch the insects.
Yoongi smiled and joined him. “Be careful, Tae. You don’t want to hurt them, do
you?” The parents were still cooing and taking pictures, laughing at how cute
their boys looked. The elder rolled his eyes at how silly their moms were.
“Tae-Tae, you know the best part about kindergarten?”
“Nuh-uh,” he answered distractedly. He was trying to catch a pretty blue
butterfly, fluttering just out of the reach of his tiny hands.
“For a whole half of a day…you get away from these crazies. No cheek pinching,
no cameras flashing, no ‘Aigoo, how cutes’ and no teasing. None of it, for
hours and hours.”
Taehyung looked up in amazement. “No, Eomma or Eomma Yunhee?” He looked over at
them still cooing and snapping away, and frowned slightly. “Maybe kindlegarden
is ok after all.”
“Yeah, you have to come to kindergarten next year. Not just to get away from
them, but because hyung is there too. Okay?”
“Okay, Yogi-hyung.”
“Promise?”
The small boy gave up a spectacular rectangular grin. “I promise, hyungie! I’ll
follow you to kindlegarden. Then I get to see you every day.”
“I’ll show you my classroom and the playground. It’s really cool and we can
play together.”
Taehyung nodded happily. “I’ll follow you to the kindlegarden, Yogi-hyung!”
Then he took off running again, laughing happily as he was swarmed by
butterflies.
Yoongi watched as the sunlight clung to Taehyung’s sunflower-adorned, silken,
caramel locks…creating a halo effect. The light also touched his shining eyes,
producing golden, glittery flecks within the chocolate brown orbs. The small
boy was drowning in a multicolored sea of butterflies when the very blue one
he’d been chasing alighted on his nose. Taehyung stood still while the insect
flapped his wings, face upturned with a wide smile, as the sun’s rays danced on
his lovely golden skin. Yoongi inhaled sharply, watching in wonder as he
realized that maybe their moms weren’t so crazy after all. He really hoped they
had caught that moment on camera. They had.
***** Avenchures and Bassdurds *****
He had been in the middle of a spelling test for God’s sake! Teachers were
useless creatures. Yoongi angrily walked out onto the playground, right past
Mrs. Jung, straight to the tunnels. He crawled in and found Tae almost
instantly, hearing his whimpers echoed in the empty tunnels.
“You have to come out Tae-Tae.”
“Ion wanna…” he argued tearfully.
“It’s only your first week and you’re causing trouble already.”
“M’not. I just wanna play. But that lady is mean and tried to pull me out of
here. She made me cry, hyung. I’m not going with her.”
Yoongi tensed, but he didn’t want Taehyung to see that he was now angry. Angry
at that lady who had touched his Tae-Tae and made him cry. He was very, very
angry. “She’s just trying to keep you out of trouble. She’s your teacher.”
“I wouldn’t be in trouble if she went inside and let me play out here.”
“You can’t stay here all day. You have to go to class and learn.”
“Nuh-uh. They told me I could play. I’m still playing.” he whined.
“But, Tae….”
“It’s boring in there, Yogi-hyung. I’m not going back in there. There’s a slide
here…and swings…and tubes to crawl through. We can go on avenchures…”
“Ad-ven-tures, it’s adventures Tae.”
“YASS!! Let’s go on ad-ven-tures!”
“Tae, playing is good, but school is very important. You can’t just play all
day.”
“But I want to.” He pouted. “Play with me Yogi-hyung!” he beamed. “I waited a
long, long, long, LONG time to come to this place and play with you. I don’t
want to learn stuffs. I don’t like kindergarten. The playground is good but
kindergarten is bad.”
“Aish…Tae.” Yoongi pinched the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut,
utterly frustrated.
“You said we would play…you said. Now you say ‘Tae-Tae, you gotta learn
stuffs’. That’s not fair! This is way worse than Eomma and Eomma Yunhee.” He
sighed, “I’d rather a gazillion cheek pinches than school. But if we play
together now—“ he smiled, eyes lighting up.
“Look. If you don’t go to class and learn, you don’t get good grades. If you
don’t get good grades, you don’t move up to the next grade. If you don’t move
up to the next grade, you won’t be able to follow me to the next school.”
Tae’s smile vanished. “If I don’t go to class, I can’t come with you?”
“I’ll have to leave you behind, Tae. You won’t be able to come with me.”
The tears sprang up immediately. “Yogi-hyung…you will leave Tae-Tae?” Yoongi
nodded. He began to cry. “But you can’t leave your Tae-Tae here. You’re my
Yogi!” He sobbed uncontrollably, imagining the horror of not seeing hyung
everyday…of never seeing his hyung ever again.
Yoongi couldn’t stand to see his Taehyungie crying, never could. He felt
powerless as the small boy wept. In a panic he reached out and flicked the tip
of Tae-Tae’s nose to get his attention. Tae looked up at him, eyes red and
already puffy. He looked as if he would start bawling again any second. Yoongi
leaned forward and kissed him right on his nose mole. “If you go to class and
learn, you can follow hyung, ok?”
“Ok.” Tae sniffled. “I’ll go to the class. I will learn. I’ll try my best so
that I can be with my Yogi.” He promised solemnly.
“Good. You’re so good, Tae. Hyungie is proud.”
They walked out of the tunnels hand in hand, Taehyung now smiling brightly.
Yoongi led him to Mrs. Jung, who looked relieved not to have to call Tae’s
parents. “Thanks so much for your help, Yoongi. I was worried I’d never get him
out of there.” she laughed lightly, leaning forward with her hand on her chest.
Why is she laughing? Yoongi thought. Does she not understand the gravity of
what she’s done? Who in the hell does she think she is, laughing when Tae-Tae
had been crying? She grabbed him and MY Tae-Tae was CRYING!Min Yoongi frowned
at the woman, staring at her with disgust and unbridled fury. She gasped,
suddenly terrified of the tiny eight year old.
“If you ever," he spat venomously, pointing a finger at her face, “touch
him…make my Taehyungie cry again…I will fucking ruin you. Got it, Seonsaeng-
nim?” he sneered. Then he turned and hugged Taehyung tightly, gummy grin
lighting up his face. “Make sure you do your best, okay Tae-Tae? Fighting!” He
ruffled Taehyung’s hair as the smaller nodded happily, then he fixed the
appalled teacher with another dark glare before storming off back to class.
Mrs. Jung hurriedly grabbed Taehyung’s hand, muttering curses under her breath
and pulling him along. Tae looked up at her with wide innocent eyes as his legs
struggled to keep up with her pace. “Mrs. Jung, what’s a bass-durd?”
***** Don’t Feel Bad for Bullies…Kicking Their Ass is More Helpful *****
Chapter Summary
     It's already been established that Yoongi gets triggered when someone
     touches Taehyung the wrong way. So this happened...
     WARNING: Bullying. Violence. Bleeding. Broken bone. Time skip
     (Taehyung-grade 5; Yoongi-grade 7).
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Taehyung walked quickly down the street. He stared straight ahead trying to
ignore the three idiots calling his name, teasing him, and throwing rocks at
his back. He now regretted begging his mom and dad to let him walk to and from
school instead of being chauffeured. But he had wanted extra alone time with
Yoongi and the walks home gave him that.
“He’s such a nerd.”
“Teacher’s pet too.”
“And he looks like a girl.”
“Yeah…he does look like a girl.”
“He’s too pretty to be a boy.”
“You’re too pretty, Kang Taehyung. Just like a girl.”
“Yeah, he’s way too pretty. He should wear a dress.”
“He should change his name, Taehyung is a boy’s name.”
“Kang Taeyeon….that’s his new name.”
“Ooh, perfect! A pretty name for the prettiest boy in our grade.”
Taehyung had had enough and whirled around angrily. “That’s not my name and I’m
not a girl!”
“Yah…hear that boys? He’s not a girl. Then why is your face so pretty then,
girly?”
“Yeah, maybe we should mess it up so we can tell the difference between him and
the other girls.”
Taehyung started to back away. “Don’t touch me. My hyung is meeting me and if
you do anything to me…well, let’s just say I warned you.”
“He’s lying. He doesn’t have a hyung meeting him. He’s just trying to scare us
off.”
“Nice try, Taeyeon.”
“Get her!”
Taehyung turned to run down the street, but one of the boys grabbed him by his
backpack and pulled him back. He tried to keep his balance, flailing his arms
about wildly. He accidentally slapped one of the boys in the face in his effort
to stay vertical.
“Whoa…this girl just slapped me.”
“Teach her a lesson.”
“Mess up her pretty face!”
Taehyung almost felt his lunch come up as the boy he had carelessly slapped,
punched him hard in his stomach. His breath left him in a big ‘whoosh’ and he
fell to his knees. Another kicked him in the chest. Then they crowded around
Taehyung taking turns punching and kicking him. After a particularly strong
punch to his lip that drew blood, the boy covered his face with his hands and
started to cry.
“Yah….what are you three doing?”
The three boys halted their violence, spinning to meet a tall, dark-haired
newcomer. They stood in front of the battered boy, impeding the view of what
they had been doing. “What’s it to you?”
“Aish…these kids. What’s it to me?I’m your elder, brat. Is this how you address
your elders?”
The obvious leader of the pack bowed respectfully. “Sorry, hyung.”
“That’s better. Now what are you up to?”
“Just teaching this pretty boy teacher’s pet a lesson.”
“You’re bullying someone?”
“Is it bullying if he deserves it?”
“It is.”
“Oh…”
“The uniforms you have on…I went there last year. My dongsaeng Kang Taehyung
still goes there. I’m supposed to meet him and walk him home. Have you seen
him?” The three boys froze, mouths dropping open in surprise. A whimper came
from the huddled lump behind them. The elder tried to peer around them from
where he stood. He had a bad feeling…
“Tae?”
“Yogi-hyung?” Taehyung whimpered painfully from behind the three, trying to
move.
The threesome watched as the elder’s face instantly transformed. His eyes
became blank, black steel. His laid-back demeanor was replaced with stiff
tension. He balled his fists as his pale face reddened. “Yah...you mean to tell
me…my TaeTae. You dared to touch my Taehyungie?”
The boys were afraid and rooted to the spot. They couldn’t answer, too afraid
of what would happen if they answered truthfully. They just stood there wilting
under Yoongi’s terrifying glare.
“If you move…if you try to run…I will kill you.”
The boys nodded, averting their stares to the ground.
Yoongi strolled over towards them with an air of calm. He passed them, bending
over to examine Taehyung. He saw the blood leaking from a busted lip. He saw
bruised cheeks and an already discolored eye. He saw his dongsaeng wincing
every time he took a breath. “Tae-tae….” He softly caressed his cheek. “Are you
okay?”
“It’s not as bad as it looks, Yogi-hyung.”
“There’s a flower shop over there. The owner is really nice. Do you think you
can make it there on your own?”
“Yes, hyungie.”
“Okay. Go there and clean yourself up so that we don’t scare our moms too much.
I’ll stay here and talk to your…friends.”
“….okay.”
Yoongi helped the younger to his feet and then watched him limp his way over to
the shop. With every pained step his dongsaeng took, the elder’s anger grew.
But he contained it until he was sure the boy was out of sight. And then he
lashed out.
He walked around to meet the boys face-to-face. “You don’t get to speak now.
There’s nothing you can say that will stop what is about to happen. If you run
I will find you tomorrow…and the day after that…and the day after that. It’s
better for you to take it now while I’m short on time and while Taehyung is
still here. It won’t be as bad.”
The shivering boys nodded, tears streaming down their cheeks.
“Who hit him first? Who started this?” He saw two of the boys’ eyes dart
towards the one standing in the middle…the one Yoongi thought was the leader.
Of course it was him. “Ah…” he sighed. "You made him bleed as well, right?" The
boy nodded.
Yoongi grabbed the leader by the collar. He looked at the other two who had
taken a few steps back and huddled together in fear. “If you two run, I’ll
break both his arms. Then I’ll find you both tomorrow and make sure you match
him. Got it.” The boys nodded solemnly. “Good. Let’s start then. I’m going to
teach you what happens to bullies. Make sure you take this lesson well, yeah?”
He patted the younger’s shoulders with both hands before gripping them. He
smiled a terrible smile that made the smaller boy shudder. Yoongi brought his
knee up into the boy’s groin. He heard the breath rush out of the boy and saw
fresh tears spring from his eyes as he crumpled to the ground. The elder
grabbed the boy by the hair and punched him in the face, sending him sprawling
on the ground. Then he climbed on top of the boy delivering a series of hooks
and crosses to his face. When he was done one of the boy’s eyes was swollen
shut and his nose and lip gushed blood.
He grabbed the boy’s left hand. “And this is for initiating it and making him
bleed…” He took the index finger and forced it backwards sharply, resulting in
a resounding snap. The boy let out a blood-curdling screamed that echoed on the
nearly empty street. His finger dangled unnaturally. “If you ever touch my
dongsaeng again, I’ll break every finger. And you had better apologize to him
the next time you see him." Yoongi stood up and faced the other two shivering
boys. “Yours won’t be nearly as bad. And I’ll be quick...I promise.” He smiled
evilly as he walked over towards them.
Later…
“Yogi-hyung, this is unnecessary.”
"But I love giving you piggyback rides, Tae-Tae.”
The younger tightened his hold around Yoongi’s neck, blushing furiously. “It’s
embarrassing in public.” He buried his face in his hyung’s neck. “I can walk
perfectly fine.”
“I know you can. But I want to carry you.”
“Hyung…did you have to be so brutal with them?”
“Yes. That way they’ve learned that bullying is wrong.”
“But you just bullied them too!”
“That worm may have had a point earlier…is it really bullying if they deserved
it?”
“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“In this case it did. Now they won’t bother you again.”
“I guess…”
Yoongi frowned. “You feel bad for them? Even after what they did to you?”
"It’s just…I don’t like seeing anybody hurt. No matter how bad of a person they
are, no one deserves to be in pain.”
“You’re too good for this world, Kang Taehyung. I don’t even think you’re
human.”
“Trust me, hyung, I’m very human.”
“Nah…you’re an angel. My angelic little dongsaeng.” Yoongi chirped.
Taehyung giggled. “Angelic, huh?” He pulled Yoongi close and blew a raspberry
on his cheek.
“Hey, brat! Keep that up and I’ll drop you on purpose.” He feigned dropping the
boy, then smiled when he felt the grip around his neck tighten. They walked in
silence for a while. “I know you’re being playful because you’re upset, right?”
“You know me too well.”
“If you’re upset then I’m sorry. Not for what I did, but for how you feel about
what I did. I can’t apologize for protecting you.”
“I just feel bad for them.”
“You shouldn’t….not for those jerks. There’s no telling how many kids we’ve
saved from their torment. I’m sure you weren’t their first victim, but I’m sure
you’re their last.”
“When you put it that way….and I did warn them.”
“See? Trust me. In a twisted way, kicking their ass helped them to become
better people.”
“Okay…hyungie always knows best anyway, right?”
“Right. Just follow hyung.” He felt Taehyung nuzzling into his neck again,
butterflies filled his stomach. “I’m worried though…if it happens again, then
what? What if I can’t be there?”
"I’ll be fine.”
“Will you fight back if it happens again?”
“…….”
“Taehyung, as your hyung I forbid you from just sitting there while someone
hurts you. Fight back.”
“I don’t know if I could, hyung.”
“You could…you can. You don’t have to just go around fighting everybody, just
fight back when you have to.”
“I don’t know how to fight anyway.”
"Hyung will teach you.”
"Ok....I guess so.”
“Good. Seeing you hurt…I…it’s something I don’t ever want to see again. I hurts
me to see you hurt, so always fight back, okay? For me.”
"I don’t want to see you hurt most of all. So for you…just for you, I’ll fight
if I need to.”
“Good.” They continued on in a comfortable silence, until… “Oh, shit!”
“You said a bad word again! I told you it’s a bad habit to break once you
start…”
“Tae…I think I feel sorry for those boys too.”
“What? Really? I’m glad you understand…”
“No, not that. I still have no regrets, other than you not being okay with it.
But...what do you think will happen once Eomma and Eomma Soyoung sees your
face?”
“Shit…" He was quiet, deep in contemplation. "Our garden.” Taehyung said with
finality. “We could plant a tree there in their memory.”
Chapter End Notes
     Since the last one was so short I'm uploading this one. I was
     pleasantly surprised to see 15 kudos, thank you to everyone who is
     reading. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any suggestions,
     gripes, or whatever. I would love to know how I'm doing so far.
     There's only a few more chapters of light and happy young Taegi, so
     enjoy it while you can. Things will be changing very soon. If you're
     waiting for Jungkook, please be patient. His POV is comes in Chapter
     11 and 13 and then Taekook rises. ;) I'm up to Chapter 25 and I still
     don't know endgame yet.
***** Fuck Clouds *****
Chapter Summary
     Pre-teen Tae is feeling feelings...he can't tell if teenage Yoongi is
     too.
     Warning: Brace yourselves if fluffiness makes you cringe. I'm sorry.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It is a lovely spring day and they are laying out on a blanket in the park,
interlaced fingers, as they scrutinize the fluffy clouds covering the expanse
of the gorgeous azure sky. Well…Taehyung is frowning up at the clouds, while
Yoongi is staring at him fondly. “What is it now?” Yoongi asked, bracing
himself for whatever Tae-ism is about happen. The way the younger glowered at
the sky, he expected something deep and serious coming. He'd been expecting it
for some time now.
“They’re just so sad, right?”
“Who?”
“What.”
“I asked who.”
“I know, not who but what.”
Exasperated, Yoongi exhales slowly. “What, then? What is sad, Tae?” he asks
through clenched teeth. He wasn’t exactly annoyed at Taehyung, not at all. He
had noticed that something had been bothering Tae for a while now, months even,
and he was worried. Very worried. But if Tae thought he was worried, he would
try to hide whatever was bothering him so that it wouldn’t upset Yoongi. He was
frustrated that his best friend wouldn’t confide in him. Didn’t trust him. He
was trying hard to avoid snapping and forcing Taehyung to tell him what was
wrong.
“The clouds.”
Yoongi tore his loving gaze away from Tae’s beautifully bronzed face and turned
his attention to the clouds. “Clouds? They seem pretty happy to me. They’re all
bright and fluffy. They’re light and they can fly. They get to see the whole
world. They look down on us, probably laughing at our miserable earthbound
existences.” He laughed. “You know what? Fuck clouds, they seem like assholes.”
He pointed his middle finger at the sky, looking over to see if Tae was
laughing with him. He wasn’t.
“But think about it. They can never stay in one place. They have no home to
come back to. Sure, they can fly, but they have no control over where they get
to go. They’re blindly blown around by the wind not knowing for sure where
they’ll end up. They die and are reborn just to live the same life over and
over again. They can’t make friends. They can’t build families. They can’t live
together happily. What kind of life is that, hyung? Shouldn’t we pity them?”
"Clouds aren't living things though."
"It's still sad."
Sensing that he needed to be serious because they were about to get to what was
really bothering his friend, he squeezed Taehyung’s hand. They both turned on
their sides to face each other. “What’s really wrong?” He watched as tears
welled up in Tae’s eyes. Yoongi scooted closer, until their faces were almost
touching. “Tae?”
“Things will be different now, right? I just got there but you’re headed off to
high school next year. You’re leaving again, but it’ll be different this time.”
“Nothing will change. It’ll be just like when I left primary.”
“I don’t know. New place, new teachers, new hobbies….” He bit his lip. “…new
best friend?”
“Tae....” Yoongi let out a breath of relief, feeling the tension leaving his
body instantly. This was small. Nothing. He couldn’t believe that Taehyung had
been stressing over something so inconceivable. As if there were anyone who
could take his place. It was laughable. "This is what's been on your mind this
whole time? This is why you're upset?"
“Not upset, not really. I’m okay. Really, I am.” He took a deep breath to calm
himself. “It’s just that I like seeing you every day. I’m going to miss riding
the bus with you, eating breakfast with you, waving at you through your
classroom door…and then I picture some faceless person doing all the things I
do with you. I hate it.” He sighed miserably. “I don’t want you to leave me
again, but I can’t control it. Why did I have to be born so late?”
Yoongi sat up and pulled Taehyung’s head into his lap. He ran his fingers
through Tae’s caramel-colored locks, feeling him immediately relax. “I couldn’t
leave you even if I wanted to, Tae. You’re my best friend. I like you more than
anything…more than basketball, more than hip hop, more than video games, more
than puppies, more than junk food, more than girls.”
“I know, I know. But what if you start to like other things more than me? Other
people more than me.”
“Ach….” Yoongi scoffed. “Like that could ever happen.”
“We don’t know for sure…we’re drifting, just like those stupid clouds up there.
We can't control anything that happens.” He pointed up at the offending puffs
in the sky. “Don’t you see? We are those clouds!”
“Us? Clouds? Yah, we're nothing like those uppity assholes, we’re so much
better than that…especially you. If anything, you’re the sun Tae.”
He looked up and met Yoongi’s eyes warily. “The sun?”
“Think about it. You’re warm and you shine so brightly it hurts to look at you
sometimes.” Tae stared at Yoongi, hoping that this was it. He didn’t want to
interrupt in case it was. “But no matter how much it hurts, people can’t help
but look because you’re beautiful. Heavenly…divine.” Taehyung’s face went pink
as he held Yoongi’s gaze. “You have no idea how much it hurts sometimes…it’s so
intense.” Yoongi’s hand froze, tangled in Tae’s hair. Then it moved down to
gently cup the younger’s cheek.
Tae couldn’t help himself, leaning into the touch. “Yogi-hyung….” he exhaled.
“But you’re so out of reach. I mean…it seems like you’re so close to me, like I
can reach out and grab you and keep you all to myself….”
“You can…” encouraged Tae.
“But I can’t.” he said bitterly, letting his hand fall. Yoongi pounded his fist
against the soft ground in frustration.
“Yogi-hyung, please…” Tae hurriedly sat up and grasped Yoongi’s hands, watching
him expectantly. “Yoongi.” He never called Yoongi by his real name, unless the
situation was dire.
They stared into each other’s’ eyes, both consumed by their conflicting
feelings. Yoongi suddenly looked away, clearing his throat uncomfortably.
“Since when did I become a fucking poet? Why are we even discussing this fluffy
shit? It’s so cheesy and cringey and serious. Ugh.” He couldn’t face Tae’s
eyes, speaking without looking at him. He steered the conversation back to
Tae’s original worry. “I can’t believe you’re worried about a nonexistent
problem. It’s ridiculous to think that I would ever leave you behind. You are
my brother." Tae flinched at his words, heartbroken yet again. "You are my best
friend, Tae. Wherever I go, I know you’ll follow. I’ll always wait for you, so
don’t think about it too much.”
Taehyung knew the moment had passed yet again. He sighed sadly, lamenting
Yoongi’s hesitation to speak plainly. To confess. He has loved Yoongi since the
day they met. Probably before that, though he couldn’t remember their meetings
before then. They had both seen pictures of a two-year-old Yoongi visiting him
after he had been born. Pictures of Yoongi holding him in his lap, with help
from his mother. Of Yoongi sticking his finger in his own third birthday cake
to wipe a stripe of icing on Taehyung’s tiny cheek as their moms laughed. Of
Yoongi kissing his forehead before the Kang family boarded the plane for the
States.
Of course he couldn’t remember any of those moments from when he was a baby,
but he knew that Yoongi had been with him as long as he has existed. And he
believes he has loved him for that long. He would wait forever for Yoongi to
realize…to admit his feelings. As long as it takes, he would wait for his hyung
to realize that nothing about them was brotherly.
He laughed scornfully. “Me, the sun. Ha. If anything, you’re the sun. Acing all
your classes, basketball star, talented musician, and all the girls want
you…you’re the sun. And I’m the moon. I only shine because of you, but I can’t
compete with how bright you are, right? Destined to always follow your path,
but to never catch you no matter how much I want to.” He watched as a flame
spread across Yoongi cheeks. “You should pity me, Yogi-hyung.” he whined.
Yoongi chuckles. “You poor, miserable, little brat…what makes you think you’re
worthy of the sun’s pity?” Taehyung gasped in feigned offense and slapped his
arm. Yoongi flicked his nose and kissed the cute little mole there, leaving Tae
dazed as usual. “Don't take my words the wrong way. You do know the moon has it
the hardest, right, lighting up the darkness? It has to shine that much
brighter. I could never pity something I admired, right Tae-Tae?” Taehyung
never answered, still immobilized by the nose kiss. “Enough of this self-
pitying bullshit, let’s go.” Yoongi smiled fondly at his favorite dongsaeng.
“C’mon,” he grinned, “I’ll buy you ice cream.” He stood up, hearing his joints
pop. Tae sat there, lost in a daydream. He yanked him up, and then grabbed the
blanket and their backpacks. He cheerfully, and somewhat smugly, led Taehyung
in the direction of the dessert shop.
“Hey, Tae…” Yoongi called out over his shoulder when they were close.
“Yeah?” he mumbled distractedly, still in a stupor from the nose kiss and a
step behind his elder.
“Fuck clouds, right?”
The haze finally cleared as Yoongi’s words registered. Tae giggled. “Yeah, fuck
'em.”
“Yah...I’m gonna wash your mouth out with soap, brat. Don’t say dirty words. Be
better than me.” Yoongi smirked.
“If you want me to behave better you should set a better example then, Yogi-
hyung.” Taehyung stuck his tongue out at his elder, moving up closer to bump
against his shoulder. As they walked they both pointed their middle fingers
towards the sky, laughing at their newest silly 'thing', something that was
solely theirs. Then they joined hands, Yoongi giving Tae’s a reassuring
squeeze, and ran happily towards the shop.
Chapter End Notes
     I had to dig deep into my depths of my soul to find my inner middle
     school girl hopeless romantic poetess who is pining voice and write
     this. It was hell and I never want to go there again. But I wanted
     fluffy Taegi...boy did I get it. Lord help me.
***** Two Halves of the Same Whole *****
Chapter Summary
     What a difference a school year makes...a slight shift in the Taegi
     relationship. Yoongi is a good and proper (lol, yeah right) 15 year
     old with a hell of a lot of self control. Bless him for trying to do
     the right thing because preteen Taehyung (he's five months away from
     his 13th bday) is way too eager.
     WARNING: Underage makeout session...if you feel that 12 is too young
     to have sexual awareness, don't read it.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
        [https://ak1.ostkcdn.com/images/products/9216441/P16385750.jpg]
He heard Yoongi before he saw him. He sat up in bed, quickly running his
fingers through his hair and doing a self-check to make sure his breath was
okay. He and Yoongi had a tendency to invade each other’s personal space and he
didn’t want to burn his face off with sleep breath...not that he had been
sleeping anyway.
It had been pitch black, but moonlight filtered throughout the room from the
now opened French doors of his balcony, slightly illuminating his spacious
room. He could hear Yoongi’s quick, yet cautious approach. He was a pro at
sneaking into Tae’s room since they spent nearly every night together there. He
knew exactly which floorboards to avoid. He felt a weight settle next to him on
the bed. “Tae” he whispered, as he moved closer.
“Yogi-hyung.” He felt a hand on his cheek, and melted into the touch.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Worried about your first day of high school?”
“Nah. Worried about you.”
Tae mentally expressed gratitude for the darkness of the room; Yoongi couldn’t
see the lovely shade of pink that bloomed on his cheeks. “Me? Why?”
“I don’t want there to be any confusion between us. I know that we’ll be at
different schools for two whole years again, but I want you to know that we…how
I feel…us…we won’t change, okay?”
“I know, Yogi-hyung. You’ve been saying the same thing all year, all summer. I
get it, okay. We’ll be best friends forever…blah, blah, blah. I’m not worried
anymore.”
“Yeah. But I felt you’d get the message even better if I showed you instead of
just telling you again.” From behind his back, he pulled out a flat, square,
velvety-smooth box. He held it out to the other.
Tae trailed his fingers along the material covering the box. “Yogi-hyung…you
bought something for me.”
“Not just for you, brat” he said, voice full of affection, “for us.” He opened
the box and Tae gasped in delight. Inside of it two fine platinum chains lay
delicately in parallel lines connected by a platinum Taijitu pendant. One half
of the pendant had a black diamond as the small circle, the other had a white
diamond. “With these we can be together even when we’re apart.” He pulled apart
the pendant. “This is us, Tae. Yin and yang. We’re not complete if we’re not
together.”
Tae was speechless. He fingered the half with the lone white diamond surrounded
by black ones lovingly. “This one reminds me of you, Yogi-hyung.”
“How even?”
“It’s shines through everything…even in this dark room, it’s shining so
brightly. Just like you, hyung.”
“Then that’s the one you’ll wear. Actually, it reminds me of you, Tae."
"Why?"
"You're the moon that lights the darkness, remember?" Taehyung nodded, smiling.
"Either way, whenever you look at it you’ll think of me.” He carefully lifted
the thin chain from the box. “May I?” he asked.
Tae, still in awe of Yoongi’s thoughtfulness, slowly turned his back to Yoongi.
He felt Yoongi’s breath on his neck as moved in even closer, placing the
necklace around his neck. He felt the cold pendant resting in the hollow of
chest. As Yoongi fumbled with the clasp, Tae relished the feel of his
closeness. He felt warmth pooling in the depths of his belly, his mind foggy
and his heart pounding furiously. Too soon, Yoongi was moving away. He turned
back around to face him, grasping the charm. “I’ll never take it off.”
“Now, my turn.” He held the box out to Tae, who nervously picked up the
remaining chain. Yoongi turned his back. Tae’s hands shook as he put the chain
around the other’s neck, easily closing the clasp. He lost control for a second
and on a whim kissed the clasp where it lay on Yoongi’s neck. The elder
flinched, and noticeably shuddered at his lips’ touch. “Tae…” he whispered
hoarsely.
Taehyung felt Yoongi move, but he had lowered his eyes to the bed. He felt a
hand forcing his chin up, and met his hyung’s loving gaze. “Yoongi.”
“I know we’re both still very young, but…fuck it. Tae, I’m going to do
something very stupid now.” Taehyung’s eyes fluttered shut and the moment
Yoongi’s lips met his, he knew he was a goner. He had known it forever. He was
helplessly and fiercely in love with his hyung. He opened his eyes when the
kiss ended; gaping at the boy he now knew for certain he would never stop
loving. “I’ll never take mine off either,” Yoongi promised.
“Yogi-hyung…that was my first kiss.” He whispered touching his lips, wonder
lacing his words. “You were my first kiss.” Yoongi shifted, discomfort clear on
his face. “What does this mean?”
“It just means that I’m your first. I was your first everything anyway, right?
It’s like…our tradition.”
“I really liked it. It felt nice.”
“It’s supposed to. Just….don’t go around kissing just anybody okay? I don’t
want you to....get a reputation.”
Taehyung nervously played with his fingers. “I only want to kiss you, my Yogi.
Can I just kiss you?”
“Well, of course that’s fine. I love you and you’re my best friend. It’s okay
if you want to kiss me. We do everything else together, don’t we? Why would
this be different?”
“Cool.”
“Okay then. If you want to kiss me, just kiss me. And…if I wanted to kiss
you…would you…I’ll just kiss you too. If that’s okay with you.”
Taehyung nodded eagerly, smiling. “Whenever you want to…just make sure you tell
me so I brush my teeth first.” Both boys laughed quietly.
“Tae…can I kiss you again? Now?”
“Hyung, you don’t have to ask.”
Yoongi traced his fingers along the sharp edges of Taehyung’s jawline, slowly
down his neck, and then his collarbone. He felt Tae trembling at his touch. He
leaned in and kissed Tae again. He licked, then nibbled on his lower lip,
eventually sucking it into his mouth. He bit down lightly, forcing a gasp from
Tae’s throat. He devoured the gasp, seizing the opportunity to attack his
dongsaeng’s tongue. He massaged the sweet, pliant muscle with his own, soon
taking it into his mouth and sucking relentlessly. His hands began to roam,
finding themselves at Tae’s petite hipbones kneading small circles. Tae groaned
and tried in vain to pull even closer, tugging at his hair and holding him in a
vice grip. Yoongi felt like he was floating outside of his body, watching it
all happen. The pleasure was just too great.
They found themselves tumbling into the sheets, never breaking contact. Yoongi
climbed on top of Taehyung, latching onto his neck and sucking a mark there. He
smirked as he heard the younger moaning and felt him writhing underneath. Soon,
he was grinding down onto Tae’s obvious erection, enjoying the delicious
friction their cocks made as they danced together. Abruptly, he stiffened.
Everything came to a standstill as he let his lips rest on Tae’s neck. He
realized that things had gone too far too fast. He could feel Tae’s breathing
as he lied there on his chest. “Tae…” he whispered into the boy’s skin. “This
is wrong. Not like this.”
“Why?”
“It’s…I…we shouldn’t do this.”
“But I liked it…I don’t want to stop.” He tried to pull Yoongi in for another
kiss, but was denied as the elder pulled away. He started to feel insecure.
Maybe he was the only one who was ready to surrender completely to hedonism.
Maybe it was just him who still felt the trails burned into his skin by
Yoongi’s fingers and lips. And he couldn’t forget the scrumptious euphoria of
them rutting against each other. “Yoongi-hyung” he whined. “It felt really
good…can we do that again? Please.”
“Tae…I can’t.”
“But it felt so good, hyung.”
“It felt too good. Way too good. Are you sure I’m your first kiss? I
mean…like….wow. It can’t be, right?”
“Hyung!”
“You know I’m only kidding, Tae. I’m just saying, you…you really are good at
that.” Taehyung blushed at his compliment. “I’m sorry…it’s not that I want to
stop, trust me. I have to stop. Aish…you’ll understand when you’re older. You
didn’t do anything wrong, really. It was…it was just too much for me. I didn’t
mean for it to end up like this. It can’t happen again. We’re too young.”
“But…”
“No, Tae. Kissing you is one thing. But this…it’s too much. I can’t do this
with you…not yet.”
“Can you just kiss me again?”
Yoongi leaned down and gave him a close-mouthed smooch. “Like this?”
“YOONGI!”
“Disrespectful brat…no, I won’t do more than this, Tae. It’s because I care,
trust me. Would hyungie ever lie to you?”
“No…but I really liked it. Are you sure?”
“Like I said, when you’re older you’ll understand. You’re still in middle
school, it’s too soon for this. Just trust me okay?”
“Always.”
“Did you like my gift?”
“I love it….” He muttered the rest under his breath, “…and I love you too.”
Yoongi was oblivious. “Remember, you promised to never take it off. Never…I’m
holding you to your words, okay.”
“I would never break a promise to you, Yogi-hyung.”
“Aish, will you ever call me by my real name? We’re too big now.”
“If you ever really wanted me to stop, just ask sincerely. Should I stop?”
“No…you can call me whatever. Just like always. As long as I’m your hyung.”
“Okay, my Yogi.” He looked down at the smooth Taijitu half. “Can I touch mine
to yours?” he asked, innocently.
“Be careful with your words, kid. There’s only so much I can take.” Tae looked
up, a quizzical grin on his face. “Fuck, you’re too precious for words.” He
leaned forward and held out his half; Taehyung mirrored him.
“Cool. Even when we’re apart…we still make a whole.” Tae’s smile lit up the
dark room, overpowering the moonshine. “I really love it….now about this
kissing thing….”
“Aigoo…this cute brat,” Yoongi laughed, closing his eyes.
“Where did you learn how to do all that?”
“I saw it in a movie.”
“Can I see it too?”
“Maybe when you’re thirty. And I still have to be there to cover your eyes on
some parts.”
Chapter End Notes
     Only two more chapters until we're back in the present. YAAAAAAAY!!!
     I'm a bit sad because the fluff is coming to an end. Things are about
     to change for Taegi big time. But I take comfort knowing that
     Jungkook will be here soon. Next chapter will be Saturday or Sunday
     depending on how busy I am.
***** Confessions: Intentional and Unintentional *****
Chapter Summary
     All Yoongi wants is to properly confess...fat fucking chance.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The girls were becoming bolder now that it was his last year in high school.
With graduation so near, they felt it was their last chance to confess their
feelings to an irritated Min Yoongi. He was angry because the girls didn’t
really know much about him. Only that he was handsome, the star and captain of
the basketball team, and came from wealth…they didn’t care about the real Min
Yoongi.
What made things worse is that they kept coming whenever he tried to spend time
with the only person who didn’t care about any of the things the girls were
obsessed with: Kang Taehyung. It was his dongsaeng’s first year of high school;
the only year they would get to spend together before Yoongi left for college.
Then they would be apart for another two years. Again.
He had been waiting months for the perfect time to properly confess to
Taehyung, but he could never pull off grand romantic gestures because his plans
were always interrupted. After school they were bogged down by extracurricular
activities, homework, and cram school. Confessing during school was his only
option, but because of their grade levels the only time they got to spend
together was lunch period. Sometimes the interruption would come in the form of
his basketball team members or Taehyung’s drama club buddies. Sometimes it
would be Yoongi’s orchestra members or Tae’s engineering club. But most of the
time, it was girls. Girls, girls, and more girls.
The girls would come with their letters and gifts and present them right in
front of the boy he loved, and it was pissing Yoongi off. He noticed every
flinch, eye-roll, and frown from Taehyung. Every day his moment was ruined, the
opportunity to confess his feeling snatched away. He had started ignoring the
girls by this point, but every now and again there was a girl who didn’t get
the hint. Like this one…
“Oppa, my name is Choi Hana.” Yoongi looked through her, indifference plainly
displayed on his terrible, yet striking, face. “I’ve been waiting for years to
confess to you…please accept this.” With a tentative smile, she held out a
garish, pink envelope decorated with stickers, glitter, and reeking of perfume.
Tae wrinkled his nose at the smell, trying and failing to hide his giggles.
Yoongi looked at the extended envelope with mock horror. “Can’t…I’m allergic.”
Yoongi scratched at a non-existent itch. Taehyung choked on his water.
“Allergic? To what?” She pulled back the envelope, looking it over.
“To perfume, to pink shit, to glitter, to stickers, and most importantly…vapid
girls who write cheesy love letters.”
“You can’t be serious! Okay, maybe the perfume part, but the rest…that’s just
silly.” Yoongi kept scratching, staring blankly through the girl. “If you would
just give me a chance…I mean…you only ever hang out with Kang Taehyung. How do
you know what you like if you don’t try it? Just one date…”
“No.”
“But…”
“NO!”
“You have to…” she whined. “We’re the most popular boy and girl in our year…”
Yoongi scoffed. “Debatable.”
“No, established.”
“By whom?”
“Our peers!”
“Like I give a shit what those idiots think…” He faked a sneeze. “I think it’s
getting worse. Tae, check my bag for that Epi-pen thingie. I think my throat is
closing up too.” Tae rolled his eyes, shaking with held in laughter.
“Look, I’ll even put it in a different envelope, a plain white one. Could you
just accept it and read it?”
“Could you just…leave me alone?”
“Aish…why are you being like this? I sincerely have feelings for you. I want to
get to know you better.”
“And I feel the exact opposite way.”
“Just give me one chance…”
“Okay, fine. Do you play basketball?”
“Ew, no. But I like to watch you play. I cheer for you at every game.”
“Do you rap or compose music?”
“Rap? No, but I’m a kpop fan and like a lot of idols who rap.”
“Is your name Kang Taehyung?”
The girl stared daggers at Taehyung, who reddened and looked away. “Now you’re
being ridiculous. Of course I’m not him.”
“Strike three, you’re outta there. Those were three chances, good ones too, and
you threw away every single one of them.”
“But that’s not fair! That last question was an impossible one anyway. How
could I be somebody else? Plus, you’re supposed to ask me about my interests
too…not just yours.”
“Why would I? I already know I’m not interested in you or your ugly, smelly
letter that makes me itch and sneeze.”
“And close your throat,” Taehyung added, sardonically, still avoiding the
girl’s glare.
“Yeah…that too.”
She slammed it on the table in front of him, he pushed it onto the floor and
stomped on it. “Really, you’re not going to read it?” she pouted. “I poured my
heart into this confession letter. Have you no decency?”
“Nope. Zero, zilch, nada…I’m a vacuum when it comes to decency.”
“But….”
“Look, Cho whatever your name is…”
“It’s Choi…Choi Hana.” she enunciated through gritted teeth.
Yoongi slammed both fists on the table in frustration, glowering at the girl.
“Choi mutha-fucking Hana, then!” Tae recognized the look that was on Yoongi’s
face and he felt the tension building….Yoongi was about to snap. He gently
stroked Yoongi’s thigh, kneading it, trying to calm him down. He captured the
elder’s attention, shaking his head. He watched as Yoongi pulled the charm from
inside his shirt, gripping it so hard that it was in danger of crumpling.
"Don't..." Taehyung whispered so that only Yoongi could hear.
The elder took a deep breath, taking comfort from Tae’s touch. He rambled
robotically, “Choi Hana. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested. I acknowledge your
feelings, but I can’t return them. Before this moment, I didn’t even know who
you were. I’m not trying to be rude or hurt you, but I won’t lie or fake
something just for your sake or sanity. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
The girl looked heartbroken, but Yoongi continued with emotion flooding his
voice. “Hear me clearly…I’m already in love with someone. I’ll be confessing to
that person very soon.” Taehyung fidgeted next to him. “So, please, spread the
word and let the other girls know so that they don’t have to suffer the same
treatment you did. I’m not interested in any of you, so lay the fuck off
please.”
The girl teared up. “Okay. I get it…I understand now.” She shot Taehyung a look
so laced with acrimony that he recoiled. Then she picked up her letter, turned
on her heels and sped out of the cafeteria, tears already falling.
“Happy now? I didn’t blast her for your sake. You should have let me say what I
was going to say. Did you see the way she looked at you? She’s lucky she’s a
girl…she was about to catch these hands.”
“Yogi-hyung...”
Yoongi blushed. “You’re too old to call me that.”
“Nope, you’ll always be my Yogi.” Tae giggled, then got serious again. “Did you
have to be so mean to her? You said some really harsh things and hurt her
feelings. I think she really liked you…a lot.”
“So I’m supposed to fall at her feet? Why do I need some girl when I have you?”
Tae flushed at Yoongi’s words. “Did you have to make her cry though? She seemed
nice.”
“You’re nicer.”
“I heard she's smart.”
“You’re smarter.”
“She’s pretty.”
“Not prettier than you.”
“Prettier than this person you plan to confess to?”
“…..”
“Hyung…you really didn’t try to get to know her. You’re almost eighteen, it’s
natural that you start dating. I mean besides imaginary people you want to
confess to.”
“Like I would date her…she’s an airhead. She doesn’t know anything about me
other than my popularity and that I play basketball. How can she like me when
she doesn’t know me?”
“Love at first sight?”
Yoongi glared at the younger. “Please…don’t insult the concept of love by
comparing it to what that idiot feels. There’s no love in that.”
“But she liked you, it could have grown into love if you gave her a chance.”
“Is that what you want?” Yoongi asked, incredulously. “To see me date some
random, stupid girl just because she wants me to?”
“If she liked you and made you happy, yes…all I want is for you to be happy.”
“You make me happy. Besides, I already love someone.”
“But hyung, she is pretty, sweet, has a nice figure, and is popular amongst the
boys in school….”
“There’s a reason why she’s so popular with the boys, and I wouldn’t say it’s a
good thing. So don’t lump me in with those degenerates. There’s nothing she has
that I want. Everything I want or need, I have it in you.” Yoongi heard the
sharp inhalation of breath from Tae. Tae turned away, drinking from his water
bottle. Yoongi could still see his ears though and they were flushed a deep
burgundy, almost purple.
He felt he had shared too much and hurried to correct his mistake, face
burning. “Besides…she had gim stuck all between her teeth.” Tae spat out his
water all over himself as he burst into laughter. “Really, why would I take
anything she says seriously when she has seaweed breath and green teeth.
Gross.”
They were sitting at the lunch table—Tae now teasing and laughing at the poor
girl’s unsuccessful attempt to deliver the love letter to Yoongi and Yoongi
chewing obnoxiously on his charm—when a teacher walked up. “Kang Taehyung, your
presence is requested in the office. Please gather your things and bring them
with you. I don’t think you’ll be returning today.”
He and Yoongi shared a look, and then turned their attention back to the
teacher. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” Taehyung asked.
“I really don’t know. I was just told to give you that message and that it was
urgent. So hurry, ok?” She walked away.
Taehyung turned to Yoongi again. “I guess I’m leaving first then…will we still
meet at the café later?”
Yoongi nodded. “Definitely. It’s been too long since we’ve had some free time
to spend together…alone. Please don’t be late, okay?”
“I won’t be. I’m too excited to have my Yogi all to myself.” He smiled
brilliantly, causing Yoongi’s heart to stutter pitifully. “Later, then Yogi-
hyung,” he sang out brightly, waggling his eyebrows.
“I told you not to call me that, we’re in high school now,” he grumbled while
blushing.
“But you’ll forever be my Yogi-hyung.” He pulled out the charm that was tucked
safely under his shirt and kissed it worshipfully, much like the sunlight
streaming to the skylight kissed his silky, caramel strands and lovely skin. He
skipped away happily. Yoongi watched him leave, his fake grimace becoming a
gummy grin. Taehyung was just so cute!
                                     *****
After basketball practice, Yoongi flew to the showers to clean up. Afterwards,
he pulled on some jeans and a button up that Taehyung had described as ‘cute.”
He stopped at a flower shop first, then sprinted to the café holding a bouquet
of sunflowers to meet his Tae-Tae. His face was the picture of elation, a
rarity by all means considering whose face it was.
Today was the day. He was going to tell Tae that he liked him, not just as a
best friend. He wanted to kiss him, hug him, and take him on dates. Not that he
didn’t already do those things, but he wanted to do it as Tae’s boyfriend. He
desperately wanted to call him ‘boyfriend’ and say ‘I love you” but mean it
differently than how he meant it before. He was finally ready to confess to the
boy he had loved almost his whole life…officially.
He burst through the doors, breathless, scanning the room to make sure Tae
hadn’t beaten him there. The coast was clear. He walked to their favorite table
in the back and plopped down into the seat. He sat the bouquet down and pulled
a transparent CD case from his backpack. He had written a song, inspired by the
younger boy, and he planned to present it today as a part of his confession.
There was no way Tae could listen to it and not recognize Yoongi’s feelings.
He practiced different poses, trying to determine which would get the best
reaction from his cherished dongsaeng. He arranged and rearranged the two items
on the table countless times, trying to find the perfect placement. Everything
had to be perfect for Taehyung because Taehyung was perfect. The waitress came
to take his order, but he shooed her away…he didn’t want her to ruin the
moment. He watched the door, waiting to see those silky caramel strands, that
rectangular grin, and those awe-inspiring eyes. He couldn’t wait to make
Taehyung his.
He waited…and waited…and waited.
Taehyung never came.
Chapter End Notes
     Only one more past Taegi before we come back to the present. The next
     update will be on Wednesday.
***** I Promise It Isn't Goodbye...Just See You Later *****
Chapter Summary
     WARNING: UNDERAGE SMUT If you are uncomfortable with this, DO NOT
     READ.
     We find out why Taehyung didn't show up.
Chapter Notes
     Surprise...early upload!!! I had to celebrate BTS's big win, which I
     watched (while screaming, laughing, and crying simultaneously lol).
     It was a huge moment for me since I've been a fan since pre-debut. It
     made me think back to what seems like a long time ago when I would
     beg people to check out Bangtan Bombs, music, and m/v's. There wasn't
     as much hate back then and I made friends with a lot of fandoms. Now
     I hope this win helps people recognize their talent and start
     appreciating them more instead of tearing them down just because it's
     the thing to do. Damn, I love my boys, lol.
     Also, 30 kudos??? 800 hits???? Wow...thank you all soooooooo much.
     I'm glad to see that people are actually reading. I hope you enjoy
     this chapter, it is one of my favorites as well as one of the ones I
     hate the most. Happy reading!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Yoongi was slowly going insane. He could not eat or sleep. He had not showered
in days. He lied on the floor, wearing the same clothes he had been wearing for
three days. He did not cry, he did not move. He just stared at the ceiling,
plagued by thoughts of his Taehyung. His mind screamed at him: Where is he? Who
is he with? Who will take care of him now? Is he taking care of himself? Is he
eating well? It’s rainy out, is he dressed in enough layers? Is he warm? Is he
thinking of me? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Does he need me as much
as I need him? Does he hurt like I’m hurting? Is he okay? Is he safe?
He remembered the news reports. He remembered seeing the pictures of Taehyung’s
parents plastered on the television screen. The pretty woman with Taehyung’s
gorgeous eyes, his mom’s best friend, was no longer here…dead. The handsome man
with Taehyung’s smile still here, but locked away. Another woman, one he had
never seen before, also locked away. Filthy fucking murderers. Killed Tae’s
poor, innocent mother and planned to run away with her family’s money. But they
were stupid. They got caught. A quick, private burial, blood relatives only.
The surviving son, taken in by his maternal grandfather. Name withheld because
he was a minor. But he knew the name, it was permanently etched into his brain.
Kang Taehyung’s name was engraved into his heart.
Yoongi and his family had been grieving for almost two weeks now. His mom had
been inconsolable, secluding herself inside her room. She couldn’t come to
grips with the loss of her best friend. His father was angry, wondering how he
didn’t know that his own best friend was capable of doing such horrendous
things as betraying his family and killing his wife. Yoongi was upset too, but
he was more worried about Taehyung. Mainly because he hadn’t heard from him
yet.
Yoongi had gone to school at first hoping that Taehyung would show his face
after a few days to seek comfort from his hyung. But he never showed up. He
figured that Tae was having a hard time because he had been so close to his
mother, but after a whole week without meeting the younger, Yoongi had stopped
going to school. There was no point anymore if Tae wasn’t there.
He sent text messages, emails…he even tried to sneak into Taehyung’s house, but
it was abandoned and obstructed by police tape. He’d called Taehyung’s friends
from clubs, classmates, and even the animal shelter Taehyung volunteered at on
some weekends. No one had heard from him—Kang Taehyung had disappeared.
They had never been apart for this long without some kind of contact. Yoongi
wanted to make sure he didn’t miss Tae if he tried to find him. He decided to
wait there in his room until Tae found him. Just imagining how fucked up it
would be if he went to take a shit and Tae showed up needing him…aish... better
to just calmly wait there on the floor, in plain sight, until he’s found.
Lying there, the smell of long-dead, putrefied sunflowers permeated his clothes
and his hair. He had been lying in the same spot wearing the same clothes. The
raindrops outside harmonized with his heartbeat, creating a symphony of sound.
When lightning failed to light up the room the darkness was massive, resting
heavily upon the elder and pressing him into the plushly carpeted floor. He was
in agony. He was hungry, sleepy, smelly, and in physical pain…but he couldn’t
give up. He watched. He listened. He waited.
He jerked himself upright as a strange noise captured his attention. Hurried,
squelching footsteps on the hallway’s hardwood floors. His heart went into
overdrive; he could feel the blood vibrating as it coursed through his veins.
His breath left his body in quick puffs as he finally rose to his feet and
faced the door. He froze, holding his breath and staring as he heard the door
open quickly, and close quietly. He soon felt wet hands on his face, but his
brain had short-circuited or something. He couldn’t see, speak or even breathe.
His vision blurred. Why couldn’t he see?
“Eomma Yunhee gave me the code a long time ago so I snuck in. Yoongi-hyung?”
Taehyung uselessly wiped tears from the crying elders face with his wet hands.
“Yoongi-hyung?” he said seriously, shaking a blue-faced Yoongi by the
shoulders. “Please! Breathe, hyung. Breathe!” He threw his arms around his
petrified hyung, smothering his face with kisses. “Hyung, it’s me…it’s your
Tae! Come back to me…breathe!”
“You’re really here?” Yoongi finally exhaled, relaxing into Tae’s arms.
“Tae...” he breathed, allowing the younger to pepper him with small kisses all
over his face and neck. “TAE!” he whispered urgently. He broke Tae’s hold and
grabbed him, hands on either side of his face. He pulled him in close,
inspecting his mesmerizing face. “Are you okay?” he worried over him, checking
every inch of his precious body.
“I’m fine…well, as fine as I can be considering….why are you crying?”
“I’m not, those are sleep tears. I haven’t slept in days and my eyes are
fatigued,” He lied. Then the anger took over. “Where in the hell have you
been?!?” He shook the boy as he yelled in his face. “Why didn’t you call?!?
I’ve been so worried…so scared, that I wouldn’t see you again. How could you do
that to me?!? Don’t ever do that again, Kang Taehyung…NEVER!”
“Hyung, it hurts…” Tae whined. Yoongi looked down at his hands, saw them
crushing his dongsaeng’s arms so tightly he was sure they would bruise. He let
go.
“Sorry.” He took a few calming breaths. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Tae, I
would never! I was just so worried.” He looked at the younger, whose shoulders
slumped as he sulked because of the elder’s earlier admonishment. He dripped
pathetically onto the carpet. “I’m really sorry, ok? Just ignore everything I
said before. What happened?”
“My grandfather…he wouldn’t let me leave our hotel room or call. He’s being
very strict because of what happened. He even hired bodyguards to follow me
around.” He sneezed and then sniffled, wiping at his nose with a wet sleeve.
Yoongi thought it was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. “I’ll get you something
to wear. You’ll get sick if you stay in those wet things.”
“I don’t care if I’m sick as long as I get to stay here with you tonight.”
“What are you, stupid?” He grabbed an oversized hoodie and boxers. “You have to
take care of yourself, Tae.” He grabbed a large towel from his dresser and
began to dry the wet boy off. He unconsciously started unbuttoning Tae’s shirt,
not paying attention to the intimacy of the act. Meanwhile, Tae’s cheeks
flushed a lovely red. “Why are you out in the rain like this? It’s not safe.”
“He’s taking me away,” Tae whispered.
Yoongi paused at the last button. He didn’t dare look up, too afraid to see
confirmation of what he had heard. He finished unbuttoning the shirt and pushed
it down Tae’s shoulders. Tae took a step forward, so close now that he could
feel the other’s heartbeat. Yoongi ignored the action, pulling the shirt
completely off, and then toweling down the boy’s body mindlessly.
“I’m leaving, Yogi-hyung. He’s taking me abroad.”
Yoongi pretended not to hear him. He continued to towel dry his dongsaeng.
“There, now let’s get your hair dry, okay?” He threw the towel on his bed and
turned to go and fetch the blow dryer. Tae grabbed his wrist, pulling him back
into an embrace. He hugged Yoongi tightly. “Tae…” Yoongi breathed into his
chest.
“Did you hear me? Do you understand, Yoongi-hyung?”
“If I don’t get you dry, you’ll get sick.”
“I don’t give a damn about getting sick! Stop trying to ignore what I’m telling
you.”
“………”
“Say something.”
“……….”
“Yoongi I’m leaving you forever, fucking say something!”
Hearing Tae use profanity twice meant that he was serious, and Yoongi couldn’t
ignore it anymore. Refusing to acknowledge the situation would not help things
at all so the elder finally accepted Tae’s words…and damn if it didn’t hurt
like hell. He was losing his best friend. The boy he’d loved his whole life. He
felt like his heart had been carved from his chest with a rusty, piece of metal
and then someone poured acid into the cavity. It hurt like a sonafabitch, but
he had to be strong for Tae. His Tae. “I understand, I hear you clearly. But
I’m more worried about you getting sick. I think you should take a warm shower
first, then we can talk about this more.”
“No…I don’t want to waste what little time we have left.”
“I insist. You don’t want to upset your hyung, right?” Taehyung shook his head.
“Shower first, then we can talk.”
"Okay, but…can we go together? Like when we were younger?”
“Taehyung, it’s highly inappropriate….”
“I don’t give a damn what’s inappropriate….I’m begging you, Yoongi-hyung. Just
bend for me…just this once.”
“Aish, brat! Watch your words…” he joked, half-heartedly.
“Seriously…I…I don’t want to be away from you. Not even for a second.”
Yoongi saw the desperation and fear in his eyes. He knew it would be hell on
his libido, standing there naked with the boy he loved, but he couldn’t deny
him. “O-okay. I needed to shower anyway.” They gathered their things and headed
into Yoongi’s bathroom.
Yoongi turned on the water to let it build up heat while they got undressed.
They didn’t face each other as they stripped, Yoongi from his three day old
clothes and Taehyung from his wet ones. Yoongi was the first to finish and
stepped into the walk in shower, standing directly underneath the spray from
the five Vichy showerheads installed in the ceiling. He felt as Taehyung
stepped in behind him.
Yoongi had been worried earlier about their shower becoming sexually charged,
but now sex was the furthest thing from his mind. He was falling apart. He was
losing his Tae-Tae and he was falling apart. He wanted to be strong, be the
rock he had always been. But he could no longer hold back the tears leaking
steadily from his eyes. He was grateful that he could let it all out now, since
the tears would be disguised thanks to the water falling from above. He let
them go freely, grateful that Tae was behind him and couldn’t see his face.
But Taehyung knew. From the slump of his shoulders to the tiny, imperceptible
tremors…Yoongi was crying. Of course he would put up a brave front, trying to
spare Taehyung from his pain. He moved closer, pulling Yoongi into him. He
hugged him from behind, wrapping his arms tightly around his hyung’s waist. He
let his forehead drop onto the back of the elder’s head. “You don’t always have
to be so strong for me, Yogi-hyung. You don’t have to hide your pain…share it
with me. I’ll help you bear it.”
“As i-if you d-don’t have enough to b-bear already,” he stammered.
He carefully spun Yoongi around to face him, placing one hand on his neck and
the other on his cheek. “Let me be here for you like you’ve always been there
for me.” Yoongi began to sob, and it was the most gut-wrenching, mournful sound
Taehyung had ever heard. He pulled the elder into his arms, gripping him
tightly as his own tears began to fall. “We’ll bear it all together.” He felt
Yoongi nodding into his chest, still bawling.
They stood there under the hot spray falling from above, clinging to each other
and lamenting the loss of something they had never put into words. Their
unspoken plans for the future, a future filled with love…with them together…it
had been ripped painfully from their grips. They cried together, letting their
tears mingle with each other’s, as well as with the water falling from above.
                                     *****
Afterwards, as they sat on Yoongi’s bed together…“About you leaving…I get it.
But why did you come here on a night like this? It’s raining out there. You
could have been hurt, you could still get sick. You should have snuck a phone
call instead or waited until tomorrow.”
“I had to come…the thought of never seeing you again…it’s too much. I couldn’t
get away at first, but now that’s he’s taking me to America tomorrow—“
There was a sharp inhalation of breath before Yoongi hissed, “Tomorrow!”
Taehyung nodded sadly in affirmation. “I don’t know if I’ll be back. I had to
come…I had to let you know…I can’t follow you this time, hyung.” He choked on
his words. “What do I do now that I can’t follow you, my Yogi?”
The elder boy took in a long, deep breath. Then, Yoongi grabbed the younger’s
hands, looking into those lovely, chocolatey orbs. “Wait for me. Please, wait
for me, Tae.” He tried to funnel all of his love, care, and affection into one
tender stare. “This time you’re leaving first, so I will follow you instead. I
graduate soon, so I’ll start applying to colleges there, in the US. It’s a bit
late, but…wait. Do you know where you’ll be? Which state?”
“No. He hasn’t really spoken to me…since everything happened.”
“Doesn’t matter anyway. I will find you no matter where you are, Tae. Know
why?”
“Why?”
“Because…” he held up the Taijitu half, “…you’re half of me. I’m not me without
you. Do you understand?”
“I know, hyung. You’re my best friend and…”
“Yes, that too.” Yoongi interrupted. “But I mean more. Tae, I….I’m…you’re
precious to me. More than any other person in the world.”
“You’re the same to me, my Yogi.”
“No, idiot…I…I love you, Tae. No, I’m in love with you.”
“I’m not stupid, Yoongi-hyung. I’ve known that all along. I was just waiting on
you to say it.”
Yoongi’s mouth fell open. “What?!?”
“You never got a chance to, so I came to confess to you instead. I was going to
use different words, but I’ve loved you my whole life, Yoongi-hyung. I’m in
love with you, too. Always have been, always will be. And I know you love me,
too. You’ve been in love with me all along.”
Dumbfounded, Yoongi pulled at his hair in frustration. “How did you…wh…why
didn’t you say something before? Do you know how much time we’ve lost
together?” he asked miserably, muffling his words when he covered his face with
his hands. He felt Tae’s weight settle in front of him, kneeling.
“I thought we had our whole lives…Yoongi-hyung we’re still so young! I didn’t
expect any of this to happen! I had to wait until you were comfortable enough
to say it yourself, I couldn’t force you…”
“Fuck, Tae! You know I’m shit with feelings and things like that. It took me
this long to finally confess!” he grumbled through his hands.
He forced his hyung’s hands down so Yoongi could see his candidness. “I had
planned to stay by your side forever regardless of a confession, Yoongi-hyung.
I love you and only you. It’s why I had to come tonight…we’ve run out of time.
If I couldn’t tell you how I feel now…fuck it, I came here to make an official
confession, so here goes. I hope you can see and hear my sincerity.”
He pulled his charm out, closing his eyes as he kissed it. “Yogi-hyung, you’ve
been my protector, my comforter, my mentor, my confidante, and most importantly
my friend. You’ve shaped me, molded me, into the person I am today and you’ll
never know the extent of my gratitude. I don’t understand how someone as
undeserving as me was fortunate enough to have you in my life...you put so much
of your time, effort, and energy into someone as unworthy and unusual as me.
Thank you.” He gathered the elder’s hands into his own, kissing them
reverently.
“You make me whole, Yoongi. I don’t want to live a life that doesn’t have you
in it because you are the very best part of it. As a matter of fact, you are my
life.” He wiped away the tears leaking from Yoongi’s eyes. “Tonight, from this
moment forward, I hope that you are willing to consider me your boyfriend,
because I now consider you mine. Min Yoongi, I’m utterly, hopelessly in love
with you. Distance doesn’t matter, nor does our time apart…my love for you will
only grow and strengthen. I promise to love only you. To be loyal and faithful.
To wait until you can join me…until we are together again. I’ll wait patiently
for you until we can meet again.” He stretched up, pulling Yoongi down by the
neck, kissing him. It was chaste but full of love. “Just…don’t make me wait
forever, okay? Follow me, find me, and don’t make me wait forever. I’ve already
waited this lo—“
Yoongi interrupted by kissing him back. He pulled away, looking into those
warm, chocolatey eyes he has worshipped as long as he could remember. Those
eyes, filled with innocence, faith, strength, loyalty…and oh so much love.
Those eyes that overflowed with affection for Yoongi. It was too much and
Yoongi sent up a silent prayer to whom or whatever blessed him to have this
exquisite creature’s love. Taehyung had it all wrong, didn’t he? Yoongi felt
like it was he who was lucky.
He felt the small, ceaseless spark of desire he’d always kept hidden burning
deep within, abruptly flare up into a raging firestorm of want and need.
Tonight was their last night together…he was going to make damn sure that Tae
never forgot him; that he knew without a doubt exactly how much he was adored.
He knew neither of them were particularly ready for this huge step and he had
no idea what the hell he was doing (other than what he’d seen in movies), but
they only had this night. His hand had been forced and he would only go as far
as Taehyung allowed. He would prove his love. He would not hold himself back
this time…not tonight.
Taehyung felt the mood shift. The air was thicker and warmer. He felt as if he
were tied by strings…strings that were pulled taut, rendering him immobile. He
watched as Yoongi’s eyes lost their warmth and became liquid heat while he
stared at Tae. Then he was being pulled up onto Yoongi’s bed again. He landed
on his back with Yoongi climbing on top of him. He felt the heat. It was too
hot, yet not hot enough, and he felt that something big was coming. The world
had tilted and everything was about to change. Those paralyzing strings held
him hostage and Tae shivered in anticipation, Yoongi loomed above him, still
staring at him.
He had a mental library with a section dedicated to Yoongi’s ‘looks’. He could
tell just by looking whether Yoongi was tired, hungry, or pissed off. He could
tell if Yoongi wanted him to sit there in silence or if he felt like being
silly. Hell, he could even tell if Yoongi was constipated or dehydrated,
communicated all through a ‘look’. He thought he had seen them all, but
this…this look was foreign. Tae wanted to bathe in it, to drown in it. He
wanted to get lost in it. He wanted Yoongi to devour him because then he would
become one with him, thereby, making him a part of that look. He was addicted.
He felt a surge of longing…yearning for Yoongi to move in even closer. He
needed to touch him and be touched by him, to taste him and be tasted by him,
to feel. He wanted to be free of those cursed strings!
“Kang Taehyung…everything you said to me…I feel the same way. I love you so
fucking much, and I’m sorry I can’t find words as sweet and genuine as yours to
express it.” He moved in slowly, and kissed his dongsaeng…but it was different
from the hundreds of kisses they had shared before. There had always been
fondness accompanied by racing pulses, overwhelming heat, and immeasurable
pleasure; but there had always been caution. This was something else entirely.
“I promise…no, I vow to always keep you in my heart. I’ll be faithful and true.
I’ll love you more and more with every breath I breathe.” He licked Taehyung’s
lips languidly before delivering a sweet close-mouthed kiss. “I will find you,
my love. I will follow you and find you and we will have our future together, I
swear it.”
Tears sprang from Taehyung’s eyes as he nodded. He knew if he spoke his voice
would crack with emotion. He could feel the honesty in Yoongi’s words, hear it
in his voice, and see it in his eyes. His Yoongi had finally said the words he
had been wanting to hear for years…needed to hear. He smiled as Yoongi kissed
his tears away. Then he moved back to the younger’s lips, assailing them,
crushing them…pushing his way in until their tongues were locked in a fierce
battle for dominance. He grinded their crotches together, eliciting a sinful
moan from his dongsaeng. He was lost in lust. Yoongi finally tore himself away
from the boy’s wickedly talented mouth, panting.
“Tonight, I give you my whole heart, Kang Taehyung. Tonight…I’ll give you all
of me. Please accept me.”
Yoongi left a trail of hot kisses from Taehyung’s mouth to behind his ear to
down his neck. Each kiss was deliberate and full of promise. He helped the
younger out of his hoodie, also removing his shirt so that they were both
wearing only boxers. He lovingly nipped and then sucked on Tae’s collarbone. He
let his hands roam freely all over Taehyung’s lithe body, delving in places he
hadn’t dare to dream he’d visit...at least not this soon. He was wrought with
desire.
He composed an opus of their love in his head and relayed the melody using only
his tongue, his fingers, and his body. He used every sound that escaped from
his beloved’s mouth—every hiss, every moan, every sigh—as an accompaniment to
that melody. His own heaving breathing and thunderous heartbeat provided the
bassline, while the raging storm outside acted as the bgm. He was consumed by
the fire building within him, so he rode the crescendo, finding those stunning
eyes again to seek acquiescence as his thumbs hooked the rim of Taehyung’s
boxers. Pupils blown wide and shimmering with unshed tears made plain by a long
flash of lightning, the boy could only nod.
Yoongi gently slipped the boxers down Taehyung’s beautifully bronzed, long
legs. He kissed his way back up, even taking care to lift one long limb and
suckle behind the knee. He bit and kissed every inch of those scrumptious,
sinful thighs before finding himself at Taehyung’s most precious place…his
perfect, pretty cock. It was beautiful.
Yoongi kissed the tip first, before drawing his tongue up the underside of
Taehyung’s pretty dick. He moved down licking a wide stripe on his perineum,
then inhaling both balls as he gently juggled and massaged them with his
tongue. Tae was squirming in his hold, tensing at times before gasping in
pleasure. Yoongi smirked when he noticed Taehyung gripping the sheets looking
wholly wrecked, then continued to work.
He kissed his way back up the pretty love muscle, then sucked on the engorged,
leaking head. He looked up at Tae, again. He stuck a finger into the younger’s
sumptuous mouth; the boy sucked and licked leaving behind a copious amount of
saliva. “So good for me…I love you so much, Tae. Always and forever, I
promise.” Yoongi circled the rim of Taehyung’s perfect, untouched hole. He
prodded and poked, testing the younger’s comfort level. And then Taehyung was
keening; grabbing fistfuls of Yoongi’s hair as the elder’s hot, wet, perfect
mouth swallowed him whole and his strong boney finger penetrated his purity.
His strings were finally cut, Taehyung freed.
Yoongi worked gently, methodically. By the time his third finger entered
Taehyung’s tight heat, the younger was a squirming, babbling mess. Yoongi
hooked his fingers and pressed…searching. “YooOOOON-gi!” Tae squealed, panting
and arching his back off of the bed and tugging even harder on Yoongi’s hair.
“What was that?” he asked through labored breaths.
Yoongi chuckled softly. “Something good…trust me, Tae.” Yoongi’s fingers
roamed, still pressing and stretching before eventually coming back to
Taehyung’s prostate. He pulled out his fingers and moved down to face the
younger’s fluttering, sensitive entrance. He tentatively stuck in his tongue,
tasting Taehyung’s sweetness. The younger moaned deeply, pushing himself down
onto Yoongi’s mouth. Taking Tae’s actions as encouragement, Yoongi dove in;
enthusiastically exploring the boy’s walls. When the elder felt that his
dongsaeng was properly stretched and sufficiently wet, he moved back up to
claim the boy’s mouth. “Are you okay, baby?”
“I-it feels weird. It burns, but in a good way. I feel….too open. Loose. And
wet.”
“Good, that will make things easier. I don’t have any lube so it may hurt a
bit.”
“You won’t hurt me. You couldn’t.”
Yoongi’s heart swelled. “I’m glad you trust me that much.”
He palmed his hyung’s cheek. “I do…because I love you.”
“And I love you. Only you….now relax for me, okay?” Taehyung bit his lip and
nodded. Yoongi removed his own boxers. “Let me know if you want this to stop…at
any time.”
“I won’t. I want this…so much, Yoongi. Another first for us, and I want you to
be my last.”
“You are my last. I will never want this with anybody else but you.” He leaned
in and gave Taehyung another long, languid, and loving kiss that left the boy
dazed. He took this opportunity to slide in his tip; Taehyung flinched.
“Shhh…relax baby. It’s easier if you’re not tense.”
“Kiss me again.”
Yoongi obliged. He pushed in slowly, inch by inch, as he kissed, licked, and
sucked at the younger’s lips. Finally, his hips met Tae’s ass; he was firmly
planted in wet warmth. He kissed away the tears leaking from his love’s
glimmering eyes. “Kang Taehyung, I am yours now and you are mine. Don’t forget
me.” He choked up as he began to move a little, the younger dug his nails into
his shoulders. “Wait for me,” he pleaded, not waiting for a response. And then
he let instinct take over.
They composed a breathtaking piece that night, each boy hitting high notes and
doing riffs; each getting an opportunity to lead. “Taehyung”...“My Yoongi”… “My
only”… “My love”…. they harmonized as their bodies passionately crashed
together over and over again as the storm raged outside.
                                     *****
The next morning Yoongi’s father walked in with a breakfast tray and found his
son kneeling on the floor, staring at the door. He was naked, covered in
purple, blue, and red bruises, bite marks, and scratches from head to toe. He
sported a busted lip. His eyes were bloodshot and bulging. He was gripping a
necklace that hung around his neck so tightly that his knuckles were white.
“He’s gone….he’s gone….” he mindlessly repeated, over and over again. His voice
cracked from overuse.
The man dropped the tray and ran to his son, shaking him, asking if he was
okay. The boy didn’t respond to him, he didn’t react. He just kept staring and
chanting. His father wrapped him up in a blanket and gathered him into his arms
screaming for his wife. He held Yoongi in his arms rocking him as his wife wove
like a professional driver through early morning traffic.
They sped to the hospital and burst into the emergency room, begging the
doctors and nurses to fix whatever was wrong with their son…but there was
nothing to be done. Yoongi was broken. Yoongi was gone.
Chapter End Notes
     Well, what do you guys think? I'm so inexperienced with smut, so I
     hope it turned out okay. Sry if it sucks. This was a hard chapter for
     me because I didn't want to say goodbye to the cutie pie fluffiness
     that is Taegi...I cried a little bit. This is the chapter that
     convinced Taylor that Taegi is endgame. She still has not changed her
     mind. Right now I'm Team Taekook, but it's only because I'm writing
     his POV right now.
***** When Kookie Met Yoongi... *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook has a strange, heated encounter with a short man.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Taehyung hadn’t been gone a full two minutes before I was asking to cash out. I
was worried. I knew almost instantly that something was wrong because no matter
how good of an actor he was, his eyes never lied. And I had noticed as he
rushed up to me that Tae was losing it. It had taken two years of up close
studying and memorization, but it was helpful in situations such as these.
Tae was spiraling for some reason, and I needed to find out why. If I had
pushed a confrontation, he would have lost it on the spot. I gave him what he
needed…to feel like he was still in control of himself. So, he got a slight
head start to fall apart in privacy. But I wanted to be right there to put him
back together again when he was ready for me. So I grabbed my winnings and
hauled ass.
I rushed forward, carefully weaving my way through the crowds of gamblers. If I
caught him at the elevators, maybe I could be there for him as he broke…to help
him through it instead of having to suffer through guesswork later. It would
help ease my task of getting him back to okay. Even though the place was packed
and extremely loud, it didn’t take much to zero in on the sound of Taehyung’s
sobs.
I sprinted forward, not giving a damn about who was in my way now. I only saw
him because the guy standing in front of him was a bit shorter. I saw the doors
closing and knew I wouldn’t make it in time. Instead of the door I ran for the
button, pounding it furiously and hoping the doors would reopen…but it had
already started to ascend. I watched the display, knowing that whichever floor
it stopped at would be the floor I needed to get to. It zoomed right past the
8th floor, where we were staying, and stopped at the penthouse. Luckily,
another elevator opened up, so I hopped in after it was clear and pressed ‘P’.
It asked me to insert a keycard; I hopped right out and made for the staircase.
Taking the stairs two by three, I worried whether Tae was okay. I don’t know
who the man was who stood in front of him, but the expression on Tae’s face
screamed fear and pain. And I couldn’t allow anyone to hurt him or scare him
because he was my beloved. He was my sole reason for breathing, for living. He
was my fucking everything. He was mine. And no one, I mean no one, was going to
harm anything that was mine. With those thoughts rushing through my head, I
burst through the doors that led to the penthouse level.
Beyond those doors was another set of glass doors, flanked by two guards. My
anger boiled over as I watched the short man carrying my Taehyung—who looked
unconscious—bridal style towards those doors. He was walking very slowly, but
it didn’t look like he was burdened by Tae’s slender body…in spite of his
height, or lack thereof. It seemed like he was being careful not to jostle him,
which threw me for a loop.
I reigned in my anger because now that I thought about it, Tae had been on the
verge of falling apart before he went to the elevators. Was this just some
random, kind stranger who had encountered Tae in the midst of a breakdown? It
was possible. And maybe the stranger didn’t know what else to do but to bring
him somewhere safe until he woke up. That was also possible.
Someone who didn’t care wouldn’t be so damned careful, right? But I couldn’t
forget the look on Tae’s face or the sounds of his sobs. For now, since I had
no evidence to the contrary, I would go with the best case scenario. A kind
Samaritan helping out someone in need...a reasonable conclusion indeed. But I’m
not stupid. The chance of this being the case was highly unlikely, so I was
going to approach this carefully. I didn’t want to do anything to risk Tae’s
safety, so I would play it cool. Wary, but cool. I walked quickly towards the
pair and called out, “Excuse me, sir, that’s my friend you’re carrying.”
The short man stopped and turned. It was obvious I was talking to him since we
were the only people in the small area other than the guards. “Your friend?” he
asked in a deep voice that rivaled Taehyung’s.
“Yes, my friend. Kim Taehyung.” I ran over to him, stepping right into his
personal space. I tried to take Tae from his arms, but the man jerked away and
stepped back.
“Kim? Kim Taehyung?” He looked confused, like he didn’t understand what I was
saying. “Kim Taehyung?” he asked again, glaring at me.
I ignored the glare, but I could not ignore the blood on his shirt or the
discolored area around his nose. He had been punched, and hard. But was it
something that had happened before or after he met with Tae? Aish…this is
frustrating. “Yes…Taehyung. Is he okay? Is he hurt?”
He eyed me with an expression that looked similar to animosity, which makes no
fucking sense because I had never met the man before. “He fainted in the
elevator earlier. I was going to bring him back to my room so he could
recover.” He looked down at Taehyung fondly.
I couldn’t ignore the affection in his gaze; my blood was beginning to boil.
“Well, that won’t be necessary. I can take him back to our room now that I’m
here.” I held out my arms so that I could take Taehyung from him, but he took
another step back. What in the hell was going on? “My boyfriend and I are here
on this trip together—“
“Boyfriend?” he interrupted, looking up wildly. He grimaced as he turned a
putrid shade of purple at the word. His arms involuntarily, and possessively
tightened around Taehyung. “You are…his boyfriend?”
Okay, now that was enough for me to drop the nice guy act. Who in the fuck did
he think he was? “Do you not understand English well, or is it your ears that
are the problem? Should I switch to Korean?” I asked, rage building. I took a
step forward with my arms still extended. “I said I’ll take my boyfriend now.”
“And I’m just supposed to take you at your word? You said he was a friend
earlier and now you’re claiming boyfriend?” He smirked. “Go back to your room,
boy. If he is what you claim, I’m sure he’ll come straight to you when he wakes
up. But he’s coming with me so I can be sure he’s okay.”
“But you’re a stranger! I’m not letting you take him anywhere. Give him to me
now and I swear I’ll walk away peacefully. But if you dare to take another
step…”
And the asshole took another step backwards. What the fuck? “Now what?” he
challenged.
We glared at each other, neither willing to back down. The tension in the small
space was evident. I could feel my body reacting to this perceived
threat...this stranger. My fight or flight instincts were screaming for me to
fight. I mentally prepared myself, devising a plan to free Tae from his
clutches without hurting my love. I settled on rushing him, headbutting the
bastard, and then snatching Tae away as he fell backwards. It was simple and
straightforward. I flexed and took a step forward…
“Is there a problem over there gentlemen?” one of the bodyguards called out.
I stopped mid-stride and forced myself to calm down. I gave the guard a tight
smile. “No, this person was kind enough to take care of my boyfriend until I
could get here. But I’ll be taking him now and leaving,” I replied coolly,
fixing the short man with a scowl of my own.
“Sir?” the same guard directed to the short man.
At first I thought he wasn’t going to do anything and that this ridiculous
standoff would only end after things got physical. But his face became a
controlled blank mask. “Sorry for any misunderstanding. I only wanted to help.”
He hesitantly held out Taehyung so that I could take him, which I did
immediately. “I couldn’t be sure that you were actually someone who knows him,
but I will entrust his safety to you.”
As I have stated, I am not stupid. I didn’t fail to notice that even when I had
Taehyung safely in my arms, the short man’s hands lingered on him. As I stepped
away he held on to Taehyung’s shirt; it seemed like he didn’t want to let go.
My instincts screamed that this man was lying through his teeth; that he was
not to be trusted. I couldn’t tell if these were just false alarms, my mind
jumping to the worst case scenario because I was on edge. So, I kept calm and
smiled at the man. “Thank you for looking out for him…”I started, fishing for a
name.
“Min Yoongi.”
“Min Yoongi-ssi…yes. Thank you for taking care of him.” And I was being
genuine. I didn’t like the man at all, but it really did seem as if he was only
looking out for Tae. Maybe my possessiveness had skewed my perception of what
was happening and I had overreacted.
I witnessed a slip in his effort to control his expression. He looked tired and
sad…almost on the verge of tears. “Just take care of him well, ok? He is…he
seems like someone who needs protecting. He….he is precious.” His voice was
chock full of emotion and sincerity.
I couldn’t make heads nor tails of his bullshit. One minute he was this
seething, aggressive, demon spawn and the next a caring, soft, Pillow Pet. Was
he simply a kind stranger? Had I been dramatizing this incident after all?
Since he wasn’t trying to threaten me at this particular moment, I answered in
earnest, “He is…at least to me he is the most precious. He is everything to
me.” I saw him flinch and watched as his eyes burned with hatred. Suddenly the
demon was back. What in the actual hell is going on here?
The short man chuckled darkly. “I can imagine.” I nodded slightly, the best bow
I could manage with the load I was carrying, and turned to leave. “Your name?”
he inquired from behind me.
I looked back at him over my shoulder. “Jeon Jungkook. Remember it well.”
He nodded, face blank but eyes dark and menacing. “Believe me, I won’t forget.”
I continued my trek to the elevators. Taehyung and I stepped on when it arrived
and I pressed the number to our floor. Luckily, I didn’t need a key to go down.
Min Yoongi watched us until the doors closed, unbridled fury shattering his
visage. I was still so confused. What in the hell was wrong with him?
We made it to the room safely and I laid my dearest down in bed carefully. I
removed his shoes and jeans, then gently tucked him in placing a kiss to his
forehead. I joined him in bed but lay on top of the duvet, so as not to disturb
him. I’m sure rest was something his body needed since he had fainted. I didn’t
want to do anything to interfere with him healing. So I lay there quietly,
watching him sleep.
I couldn’t get the altercation with Min Yoongi out of my head. Something was
off about the entire situation. He was definitely the guy who had been standing
in front of Taehyung on the elevator, but Tae had been awake at that time. And
I couldn’t erase Tae’s face from my mind…there was fear on his face,
definitely, but recognition was also there. He knew that gremlin, but how?
And why did Min Yoongi pretend that he was a stranger? Why did he not want to
hand Tae over? Why did he hold on so tightly even when Taehyung was back in my
arms where he belonged? What had happened in the short span of an elevator ride
that caused Tae to blackout? I felt like I was missing something—a major detail
that would tie all of these things together—but just couldn’t make the
connection. I bit my lip in frustration.
There were so many questions bubbling in my mind. Add that to the replay of
every word, every action, and every expression…I could only conclude that Min
Yoongi was suspicious. I don’t know who he is, but I would find out. And if he
intended any harm to my Kim Taehyung, he would pay in blood.
Chapter End Notes
     (swoooooon) Hello, Jungkook! Even though this is his first chapter I
     found my allegiance to Taegi wavering a tiny bit. Just a little. He's
     just so ride or die I couldn't help it. Aish....icd. Are you as happy
     as I am that he finally showed up? Taekook will be rising soon...see
     you guys Sunday. :)
***** Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, FUCK! *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi grieves losing Taehyung yet again.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
I watched helplessly as the love of my life was carried off by that unworthy
boy to the elevators and away from me. I was losing him again, but I’d had no
choice but to hand him over. I no longer had a claim to Kang—scratch that, Kim
Taehyung. Kim fucking Taehyung. All of these years sacrificing my time, energy,
money, and focus…my motherfucking chance at happiness to finding Kang Taehyung
and it was all for fucking naught. Kang Taehyung didn’t exist anymore; I had
been searching for the wrong fucking man all along. No wonder I had never found
him. Fuck!
All I wanted was for him to fucking wake up in my arms and to finally be able
to explain how fervently I had searched for him. I wanted to pick up things
where we left off; to finally have my Tae back. To marry him. To adopt a boy
and a girl and raise them together. To live out the rest of our days in
uninterrupted bliss. To love each other until the end of our existences and
then beyond. But what I wanted…none of that mattered anymore. He belonged to
someone else now. My time had run out; the future I had so desperately worked
to bring to fruition would never fucking come. Tae was no longer mine. I
unclenched my fists and dug my cellphone out of my pocket, hitting ‘4’ to speed
dial my second in command.
He picked up almost immediately. “Boss? How’s the trip going so far? Are you
finally relaxing and having fun?”
I felt a sense of peace invade me as soon as I heard the voice of my friend,
but my anger was still simmering right beneath the surface. It allowed me to
pull myself together and focus on the task at hand. “Hoseok, call off the
search.”
Hoseok was silent for a minute. “Really? You’re not shitting me, right?” I
grunted in confirmation. “Fucking finally!” he exclaimed loudly. “I’m so glad
you’ve decided to stop obsessing over this…this…ghost boy. I’ll contact the PIs
and settle all of the accounts. It’s time to move on, Yoongs. You could be
happy if you give yourself the chance.”
“No…I’m beyond that. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again…not now.”
“I don’t like the sound of your voice, Boss. Did something happen? What’s
wrong?”
“Hoseokie…”
“Yoongi?” I could tell he was shocked by how foreign the endearment sounded
coming from my lips. I understood completely why. "What….what’s wrong? Do you
need me there?”
“No…it’s just that I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for all of these
years. Kang—Kim Taehyung, I mean. He’s here in Vegas.”
“You’re shitting me, right? How in the hell? Wait…wait. Yoongi…this isn’t like
before is it? You’re not breaking down again, are you?”
“I wish that were the case this time, Hoseok. I’ve really found him this
time...only, he’s not alone. He’s with someone else.”
Hoseok exploded with a string of expletives and insults, furious on my behalf.
“Piece of shit…he’s unworthy of you, Yoongi. I’ve been saying for years that
you should give up on him.”
I cringed at the disrespect. “Don’t ever talk about him that way, Hoseok!
You’re not too far away for me to… ” I roared. I reigned it back in…took a
long, deep breath to calm myself again. “He’s…I still love him more than
anything. I always will. He didn’t do anything wrong, I was just too late. Your
words are unjustified, so just stop it. I still want his happiness more than
anything…even if it’s not with me. Just do as I ask and call off that search.”
“Done deal, Yoongs.”
“Start new ones. Find out everything you can about Kim Taehyung and Jeon
Jungkook. I don’t have much information for you to go on, just cross reference
their names and see what comes up.”
He groaned loudly into the phone. “Why did I think you were finished…anything
else, boss?”
“Nah. I just…I need some time to myself. Don’t contact me. I’ll call you when
I’ve…sorted myself out.”
“Yoongs…don’t do anything crazy, okay? Don’t go so far this time that we can’t
get you back, okay?”
“I know, I know. I just need to let this…settle, you know? Come to grips with
what happened. Just get on that ASAP and be ready for my call. I'll probably
head back in a few days.”
“Okay. Yoongs….”
“Yeah?”
“Please take care of yourself. I don’t know what I would do without you, bro.”
“Don’t worry, I will. I have to go now. Do as I ask…and keep this on the hush.
Tell no one, especially Eomma. Not yet.”
“Yessir…talk to you soon?”
“Later Hoseok.” And I ended the call without allowing him to say anything else.
I powered down the phone completely, gripping it tightly in my hand as I
started towards my room. The temporary relief from my rage had dissipated as
soon as I could no longer hear Hoseok’s voice. My head was flooded with images
from my encounter with Tae and the muscle-bound, bunnyman Jeon Jungkook. I felt
it as my mind splintered and all reason fled me. I welcomed the impending
chaos. I welcomed the darkness.
I walked quietly to my suite, tension coiled tightly in the pit of my stomach.
It was excruciatingly hard to dampen my aggression because right now I was
grasping desperately to my last sliver of sanity, barely holding on. I was
about a second away from kicking in every door on my floor, bursting into every
fucking room and beating the living shit out of anything moving, anything
breathing.
I wanted to burn down this wretched fucking hotel full of gamblers and sinners,
carouse in the screams of all the tortured souls inside as they slowly cooked,
and find that snot-nosed, assface, brick shithouse sonafabitch who had dared to
call my Tae ‘boyfriend.’ I wanted to torture the dumb fuck. I wanted to hurt
him until he was no longer tethered to this physical fucking plane and watch as
his stupid fucking spirit left his limp, lifeless body. I wanted to make the
boy feel pain. I wanted the boy to feel my pain. But I couldn't do anything if
he made Tae happy...if he was who Tae wanted. So for now, I would find out as
much as I could about the boy and make sure he was legit. Make sure he wouldn't
hurt Tae. “Jeon fucking Jungkook. I’ll remember it well bitch,” I vowed. I was,
of course, a man of my word.
I slipped into my suite, loosening my tie and eventually hurling it into the
unknown. Now that I was alone in the comfort of my own space, I could fully
wallow in despair. I dropped to my knees, beating balled fists into the floor.
“Why…why…why…why…WHYYYYY!” I sobbed, raining down blow after blow. “I was
fucking faithful…me…I never strayed. Never even looked at another person the
way I looked at him! I never gave up, fucking slaved away trying to find him.
All he had to do was wait for me…FUCKING WAIT!”
I pulled myself up, vision blurred by tears and rage, and stormed over to the
glass coffee table. I picked it up and hurled it to some unknown place. I
didn’t give a fuck where it went, but relished the resounding crash it made. I
overturned the heavy leather sofa. “Almost ten fucking years…TEN! Always
searching, always looking! Trying to find your path even though you left no
trace—no fucking clue to follow you. I never made it that hard for you. NEVER!”
I screamed out to the empty room.
I darted over to an end table, picking up a lamp before kicking the table
across the room. I threw the lamp at the wall, relishing the tinkering sounds
it made before shattering into pieces. I went over to the wall and began
punching it so hard my knuckles split open; I didn’t even feel it. “You said
I…your life…YOU SAID I WAS YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!!!” I somehow ripped the mounted
television from the wall and lobbed it as far as I could; I heard it crashing
somewhere onto the floor.
I strode into the kitchen, lost in a whirlwind of anger, doubt, grief, and
self-pity. After ten years of forced hope and patience, this was too much. I
had finally snapped. I grabbed a sharp knife from the drawer and sprinted back
to the sofa, immediately sinking it into the soft, plush leather. “My fidelity,
my LOVE…it was all here! Fucking right here and only yours…only for you. I’ve
always waited, have always been waiting…year after fucking year…”
I cried pitifully, continuing to stab. “All these years of suffering, because
you were fucking worth it. I was yours…what do I get for it all? For ten
fucking years of undying love and loyalty, how does he show his fucking
gratitude? He fucking hits me! ME!” I yelled incredulously to the empty room.
“His Min fucking Yoongi…his fucking Yogi-hyung! The one who taught him how to
fight in the first place. The fucker hit me!” I threw the knife across the room
where it impressively lodged into the wall. I railed and cried; shouted and
cursed.
“And the man child…the fucking bunny-toothed assface who dared to…” Suddenly my
movements stilled as my brain once again flooded with images—images that were
impossible for me to see or know. I saw Tae with lust filled, heavy lidded
eyes…being touched, kissed, and loved by that piece of shit. I saw them
together, writhing and rutting…my Tae with that unworthy piece of shit Jeon
fucking Jungkook. The realization that this was very possible shook me to the
core. ‘Boyfriend’ the boy had said—he was Kim Taehyung’s boyfriend. I didn’t
know there was anything left in me to break…but it broke like a motherfucker.
“No…” I sobbed. “How could that be when….we are boyfriends? ‘Boyfriend’…no, not
that. That’s…no. Please not that. Not this, please no…” I could hear Tae’s deep
moans as he reveled in ecstasy…giving himself to another man. A man who was not
me, Min Yoongi. “Why even? What did I do? What have I ever fucking
done…this…it’s too much. It hurts too fucking much.”
And just to salt the excruciating, festering, gaping wound where my heart had
resided, I started to see them doing things…things that were our things. I saw
them walking with joined hands. I saw fuckface giving my Tae, my heart, a
piggyback ride. I saw them lying on a blanket in the park, stargazing. I saw
them throwing middle fingers to the sky for no reason. I saw Taehyung making
him fucking pancakes in the morning. I saw them cuddling as they watched anime.
I saw Jeon Jungkook kissing his nose mole…my nose mole. I saw them living
together, laughing together. I saw them happy and in love. I saw Tae looking at
the boy the same fucking way he had once looked at me. And that was so much
more painful than the shit I had imagined at first. This was intimate. This was
love. I cried.
The physical part was understandable, right? We all have needs as men. I myself
was guilty of enjoying the company of other men and women, but I had never gone
beyond getting a blowjob or a handjob. I always kept my heart close. I hadn’t
even kissed another person on the lips because it was too much of a betrayal. I
never let anyone in or let anyone get close because my heart belonged to
Kang—Kim Taehyung.
He was half of me, the better half. He made me whole. He was born to be loved
by me. How could I ever live if he loved someone—loves someone—the same way he
loves me? Or more than he loves me. I pulled out the Taijitu necklace Taehyung
had callously discarded at my feet, examining it like it held some clue to
setting things right again. Or is it now ‘once loved’…past tense. He had loved
me. As in no longer, as in my half had become a fucking whole with someone
else.
I dissolved into a puddle of tears on the fucking floor, lying there looking up
at the ceiling. I thought back to that night almost ten years ago, when I had
been in a pretty similar frame of mind. “Follow me, find me, don’t make me
wait,” I said aloud into the emptiness. “Don’t make me wait, he made me
promise.” I had never been able to stay mad at Tae for long, so of course I
began to blame myself. “I made him wait for too long…I’ve lost him and
maybe….maybe it’s all my fault. All my fucking fault.” And the tears just kept
on running, sobs wracking my chest.
Now that I had recalled it, I didn’t want to let go of the memory of that
night. The night he and I had confessed. The night I had discovered the joy and
beauty of becoming one with the boy I loved more than myself, exchanging our
virginity. I couldn’t suppress the candid smile that arose as I reminisced.
We’d made sweet, sweet music together that night.
The heat—Tae’s body was so warm that I thought I would melt. His eyes were full
of trust and deep, inestimable love. After we made love the first time, he’d
fucked me like I was breakable and let me fuck him until he was broken. His
body was so willing and yielding for me; he was such a generous partner, so
forthcoming and tender. He gave and gave; no matter what I asked of him, he
willingly obliged. He praised me all night, sang my name in varying pitches and
tones. I’d felt like some undeserving deity as he whispered litanies of worship
against my skin. That night changed everything for us.
The smile fell into a grimace as hindsight tainted the most treasured
recollection of my time with Taehyung. I had already lost him that night,
hadn’t I? He had disappeared, never to be found again. He was reborn as a
stranger. As Kim Taehyung. And he now loved a boy named Jeon Jungkook. His
boyfriend. I had no place in his life. He no longer loved me. He didn’t fucking
love me. He didn’t love me.
I lied there bathing in the darkness, grieving because Kang Taehyung had left
this world forever…my Tae Tae, my best friend, my love had been cruelly stolen
from me. No, worse than that. I had allowed him to be taken. Our love was no
more. My reason for living, for being…it no longer existed. Nothing in this
world would ever make sense again. I would never be happy or whole again. Kang
Taehyung was fucking dead. I gave myself completely over to grief.
Chapter End Notes
     Poor Yoongi. He really is falling apart, isn't he? I intended for
     this chapter to seem a bit disjointed due to his state of mind, but I
     don't know if I pulled it off. Oh well...I liked seeing Yoongi rage
     again. The word fuck was used fifty times this chapter, if you
     include the title. For some strange reason I'm proud of that.
     And, hello there Hoseokie!
***** Contemplation, Couple Rings, & Comfort *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook is just thinking about shit.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
               [https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:
           ANd9GcQbUVy9qnnEKM9vElowcdDfv5XkUtO0atEVYiYRy-QgwX8n5qpn]
It wasn't by choice that I had only slept a few hours. Taehyung tossed and
turned all night, whimpering and sometimes even crying in his sleep. It wasn’t
uncommon for him to be plagued by nightmares. He had confided in me almost
immediately after we became friends about his problem. It only fueled the
already growing affection I’d had for him at the time because I felt special; I
was honored that he would share something so personal with me. That day, I had
fallen in love with him a little bit more and promised myself I would protect
him no matter what. But it had been months since he’d had nightmares this
intense, so of course my mind drifted back to the weirdness that was last night
and Min Yoongi. My gut told me that he in some way triggered this.
I thought over every action, every word that had come from the dark man. The
way he looked so fondly at Tae that I felt like I was intruding on their
moment. The way he clutched at him so possessively and refused to let him go.
The way he held on for dear life to Tae’s shirt once I had him in my arms, as
if a few more seconds of contact would give him a lifetime of memories. There
was no longer any doubt that they knew each other, the newest question was
'How?'
I had concluded that I did not like Min Yoongi. The man was a risk to me and my
happiness, but I had no idea why. I wanted Tae awake and explaining to me
exactly who the man was. I wanted him to tell me that the man posed no threat
to our future together and that he still loved only me. I wanted him to tell me
that the sun rose and set with me and we would live happily together for as
long as we had left in this godforsaken world…and maybe even beyond that. It
irked me that I couldn’t figure out exactly why I needed to hear these things
from, this validation of what we meant to each other, I just knew that I did.
I glanced at Tae sleeping beside me, eyebrows furrowed and a thin sheen of
sweat on his forehead as he clung to his favorite grumpy cat plushie. He was
still trapped in his dreams, fending off his demons. All I could do was run my
fingertips lightly through his hair, offering the only comfort I was allowed at
the moment. It didn’t do much for Tae, I could tell, but at least I was doing
something instead of just sitting there and watching him suffer. He hated when
I woke him from his nightmares, told me I was coddling him. I’d admitted my
weakness to him then, how much it hurt me to see him in pain. He’d kissed me
and told me not to worry over someone like him. Of course, I didn’t listen to
him. I couldn’t help myself. So I stopped waking him, but I stayed awake and
offered comfort with sweet kisses and caresses while whispering consoling
words...I doubt it was effective, but it eased my mind a bit.
I didn’t know whether the sun had risen, smartly employing the blackout
curtains last night and putting the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door so that
Tae could rest comfortably without interruption. I reached out with my free
hand to the bedside table and grabbed my phone. Hmmm…just a little bit after 5
a.m. I checked my SNS accounts and text messages. All of the messages were from
Jin and Namjoon, curious whether I had gone through with it. I shot them quick
variations of ‘not yet’ before turning off the phone completely. The couple
rings hadn’t left my bag. But they would, soon.
This week in Las Vegas was supposed to be a special one. I worked my ass off to
save up enough money, every penny from my paychecks and tips, to bring Taehyung
on this vacation. He had been working so hard in his second year of a graduate
program at MIT, so I wanted to treat him; to reward him for everything he had
ever done for me. I also wanted to get him away from everything and everybody
we knew so that I could, yet again, officially declare my undying love for him
and this time propose. Hopefully, he wouldn’t shoot me down this time.
Tae had declined immediately when I tried to redefine our friendship after only
a month of knowing each other; I refused to accept it. I laid out facts;
pointed out all of the things that made us seem like a couple. I told him how
much I loved him and begged him to give me a chance to prove it. He told me as
plainly as possible that he couldn’t be with me in that way; that he couldn’t
give me what I wanted. I told him I would take anything he was willing to give
me, fuck what I wanted. As long as I could stay by his side, nothing else
mattered.
He had argued with me, saying that he didn’t want to hurt me. That he didn’t
want to lose me as a friend. I fought him, wore him down, and eventually we
came to an understanding. I was free to love him with my whole heart and he
wouldn’t push me away. He would try for my sake. It might seem like an unfair
settlement but trust me, I came out of our negotiations the big winner.
I blitzed Taehyung with attention and affection. Within months our relationship
progressed from friendly dates and long, lazy conversations about nothing to
living under the same roof and even sharing a bed. By the start of our second
year as ‘friends’ Tae had become addicted to skinship under my tutelage, now
initiating lingering touches on my face and body, lying in my lap, getting
piggyback rides, and letting me hug and kiss him.
And in the last few months, he had finally become comfortable in his own skin
around me. He started walking around in less layers, even cuddling with me in a
t-shirt and boxers. He had asked me if I could wash his hair in the
shower…needless to say I was quite happy to lend a hand. Finally, we reached a
point where we would make out for hours upon hours until our limbs hurt and our
lips chapped. I felt like it was proof that we were well on our way to
something more solid. I had major plans for Tae and me…if he was willing to
trust in me and take the chance.
Taehyung and I had been straddling the line between friendship and relationship
for almost two years. We’d spent the time testing our limits and boundaries;
learning more about ourselves and each other. Being with him—living under the
same roof, sharing meals, and sleeping in the same bed—only cemented what I
knew beyond a shadow of a doubt from the moment I saw his face…I was
blissfully, irrevocably, and completely in love with Kim Taehyung. I knew that
there was no one out there more suited for me. He was my one constant, someone
I could always depend upon. For months I had searched fervently for the perfect
couple rings for us, something that really represented what we were to each
other. I finally found the perfect set days before we left for our trip. Now I
had to figure out how to get him to accept it…to accept me.
Tae whimpered in his sleep again and all thought ceased. He mumbled something
under his breath, but I didn’t understand what he was saying. Whatever it was,
he just kept repeating the same sound. He looked so vulnerable, so scared. I
didn’t think twice about climbing under the covers and gathering him into my
arms, trying to channel feelings of safety and love into his dreams. I felt him
settle into my embrace, scooting back deeper into my arms. I put aside trying
to unravel the mystery that was last night and reminiscing on me and Tae’s
history. I needed to focus on comforting Tae.
After diverting me from a path of self-destruction and hate, Tae at the very
least deserved my unconditional support and comfort as he traversed his painful
past in a menacing dreamscape, trapped in inexorable turmoil. But I was more
than willing to give him more…so much more than that. I wanted to give him my
heart, my love, my life…I squeezed him even tighter. “I’m right here, Tae. It’s
okay, your Kookie is here.”
And hopefully I would always be there. After everything that we had both gone
through, we deserved to be happy. Happy together. I thought again of the couple
rings hidden in my bag and imagined how they would look on our fingers…not even
the blackout curtains could dampen my smile. I pressed soft kisses into the top
of Taehyung’s head as he whimpered, tears leaking from his closed eyes. I
squeezed him a bit tighter and murmured unheard ‘I love yous” into his skin.
Chapter End Notes
     I can't decide whether to upload another chapter or not since this
     one is so short...the next one is pretty short too. Hmmmm...
***** Young, Dumb, and Stubborn *****
Chapter Summary
     WARNING: Prostitution, drug use, implied abuse, homophobia. If any of
     these things trigger you, DO NOT READ.
     This events in this chapter occur four years before present day
     Vegas. This is Jungkook's introduction.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He refused to swallow. The old man’s spunk tasted like rotted fish and used
adult diapers. There was no fucking way that poison was going down his throat.
But who was he to complain when he needed the money? He had to improvise
quickly. Instead of ingesting the noxious fluid, he plastered on his sexiest
expression and looked into the old man’s eyes, letting his release dribble down
his chin.
“So hot…so dirty for me, you sweet little slut.” the man cooed, wiping the mess
into the boy’s skin.
Jungkook repressed a shudder and forced a sickly, sweet smile. “Only for you,
Daddy.”
“Only for me, huh?” He let out a raucous laugh. “Sounds like something a whore
would say.”
Jungkook suppressed his anger by taking comfort in the idea that he would soon
escape this reality...even if it was only for one night. He was $200 dollars
richer and he knew exactly where it would be spent. He stood up, knees burning
and surely red under his jeans. “You would know better than I would.” He
grabbed his jacket from the desk.
The old man rolled his chair closer and wrapped his arms around the boy’s
narrow waist, forehead resting against his abdomen. “C’mon, don’t go yet. Let
me wrap up things here first and then we could go to a nice hotel. I’ll wine
you and dine you…then we can discuss this silly rule you have about no sex.” He
pressed a kiss to Jungkook’s middle and looked up haughtily. “Name your
price…I’d pay anything if you let me be the first.”
“It’s non-negotiable.” He forced the man’s arms away and placed a foot between
his knobby knees to kick the rolling chair away. “Your bank account might not
have a limit, but this whore does.”
He left the lavish office grinning, the man sputtering in his fancy leather
rolling chair with his pants and boxers still around his ankles.
An hour later…
It was almost like he was drawn there. He hadn’t intended to end up here again;
at the decrepit, quarantined hovel where low-lives congregated. It was a haven
for all the dregs of society—prostitutes, addicts, runaways, and criminals. If
you wanted sex, boom, you got sex (if you didn’t mind the STDs sure to
accompany it). If you wanted food, voila, food (though Jungkook had no idea
where it came from or who prepared it). If you needed shelter from storms or
the judgmental stares of the functioning members of society, then damn it
shelter was what you got (though space was limited, first come, first served).
If you needed to come up on some quick cash, there were plenty of errands
waiting (though if you got pinched, you’re on your own and you’d better not
fucking snitch). He hated this place, yet there was no place he would rather
be.
Jungkook, repulsed by the state of the place and the people inhabiting it,
walked up to the guy lounging by the door. The guy looked at him inquisitively,
not speaking. “I want…I need to forget.” The guy just smiled brightly and let
him in. Though this was only his third time here, he knew exactly where to go.
He headed upstairs to the second floor, down a long hallway, and went into the
third room on the right. The room was lined floor to floor with used
mattresses. Bodies were splayed in various positions and scattered all over the
place.
He picked the furthest corner from the door and took a seat. It seemed like
only seconds before a girl, who could have once been considered pretty,
sauntered over with a tray in hand. He handed over half of his earnings from
Toxic Spunk Man, $100. She gave him a small baggie filled with a consortium of
pills before strolling lethargically over to the next paying customer. There
had to have been at least twenty pills in the cocktail, but Jungkook tilted his
head back and let them all tumble down his throat as he dry swallowed them
slowly. Then he laid back and stared at the ceiling, waiting on chemically-
enhanced amnesia. He needed to shut everything out and just be.
                                     *****
How exactly had he ended up here? Truthfully, it was actually an extremely
short and uncomplicated story. Although Jungkook was born in the US, his
parents had been raised in Korea, thus they were very traditional. He was the
third son of his family, so he had to work hard to get any attention or praise
from his father…though his screw-ups earned him quite a few beatings. Mostly,
he was a filial child; model son and student. Anything asked of him, he usually
did without complaint…
Until he fell in love with art, that is. Painting, photography, music,
dance…all of it. He just couldn’t get enough. At first, his parents indulged
him believing that it was just a hobby he would grow out of. They had set their
sights on adding another doctor to the family. Jungkook destroyed their dream
when he had only applied to colleges for the arts. His parents cried and
pleaded but he refused to compromise. Eventually, after several arguments and a
few physical altercations, they conceded. But his father warned Jungkook that
his defiance would strain their relationship even further. Jungkook was too
arrogant to care. He believed that when he became successful and rich his
father would come around. He would prove his worth and his parents would have
no choice but to support him. That was strike one.
Then Jungkook refused to attend a matchmaking dinner with his predetermined
future wife. He had argued that he should get to choose who he should spend the
rest of his life with; that he should love the person he would be tied to. He
also felt that it was way too early to making lifelong decisions when he was
still in essence a child. When his father couldn’t exert his will, he punished
Jungkook by taking away his credit cards, his car, and canceling the check for
his first year of tuition. The boy had to get a job working at their country
club to save up for college. Strike two.
The last straw came when his father walked in on him jerking off to a camboy on
his laptop. His father was a devout Christian as well as a traditional Korean.
He’d offered Jungkook a chance to stay in the closet, to act as if nothing had
happened. Jungkook stubbornly refused. He’d explained, with some vacillation,
that he had never been attracted to girls and was a gay man. He argued that if
his parents loved him, it shouldn’t matter who he himself loved. His father
lost control.
When Jungkook regained consciousness, he found himself badly beaten and
bruised; tossed out onto the streets with only his phone, the clothes on his
body, and $12.37 in his wallet. He received one phone call from his father
saying that he was stricken from the family registry back in Korea, and that
his family was forbidden from making contact or offering him assistance. It was
the last time he had ever heard his father’s voice. He was alone in the world.
At first, his ambitious nature and confidence fueled the eighteen year old’s
cockiness. “I’m going to make him regret this day….” he vowed. After a week,
his money was gone despite only buying meager meals. The second week he
panhandled on street corners, begging for money or food. By the end of the
fourth week he was on his knees in an alley, sucking some guy in a suit’s dick
for $25. After three customers, he was able to afford a cheap hotel room and
food that night. He’d found a way to survive.
He built up a solid reputation after a few encounters, known citywide as ‘the
boy with the golden tongue’. He didn’t shy away from the moniker, instead he
seized upon the infamy that came with his skills to build a solid client base
consisting of clergy, businessmen, professors, and students. Word spread and
pretty soon his phone wouldn’t stop ringing. Over time the price for his
services skyrocketed from a measly $25 to $200 a pop. He was able to be more
selective in who he chose as clients and limited himself to two or three jobs
per night. When his regulars were bogged down by the mundanity of their lives,
he frequented the local bars and clubs and found clients there.
It had only been a few months before he was looking for a way to spend his hard
earned savings. Even though he was surviving, the way he did it took its toll.
Jungkook could no longer look at himself in the mirror. He was beginning to
question whether he had made the right choice when he defied his father. He
didn’t want to face the truth of his stupidity. So, he had asked around and
gotten directions to the hovel where realism was more…fluid. He’d burned
through his savings in less than a week, obsessed with not acknowledging his
reality. It was routine for him to sacrifice the chance to sleep under a roof
in a warm bed for a few hours of relief from his thoughts.
                                     *****
This is how he found himself here again, staring up at the ceiling from the
dingy mattress and drowning in regret. Was it so bad that his parents had
planned out a life for him? That they had cared enough to ensure him a secure
future with a high paying job and a wife who would bear him children? He was
too stubborn. He was too selfish. He was not filial. Was his happiness really
that important if it means living like this? Wasn’t this situation worse? He
mused over his past actions, trying to determine if he could have done things
differently. Within a few minutes, he couldn’t maintain linear thoughts.
Minutes after that, he was void of all thought. He lay there on his dingy
mattress a vacant husk, luxuriating in sweet nothingness.
Chapter End Notes
     Jungkook hasn't had it easy, has he? I wrote this chapter
     particularly because I feel a certain way about parents trying to
     force their kids into a mold. Sometimes by pushing them, you can
     break them and make their lives worse. The things Junkook's dad asked
     of him may seem like little things, but to me it feels like he was
     being stripped of his freedom to live happily, to love, and to just
     be. And that's not cool.
     As a parent, I try to encourage my children (17, 16, and 12...all
     girls lol) to find themselves. Who they love, which religion they
     want to practice, their hobbies, and their future
     professions...that's all things that they have to figure out on their
     own. I teach them to be open minded and to love themselves and others
     for who they are. I have so many parents asking me how I manage to
     stay so close to them even though they're teens; this is all it
     takes. Trust them, keep communication open, be supportive and allow
     them to make mistakes and learn from them. Guide, don't dictate. It's
     that simple.
     Sorry I got so deep....next chapter goes up tomorrow. Taekook will
     meet.
***** Not All Heroes Wear Capes...Not All Angels Have Wings *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook has been surviving on the streets for two years now. His
     whole life is about to change because Taehyung enters the picture in
     a major way.
     In case the tags were ignored....
     WARNING: Prostitution, Attempted Rape, Penetration, Slight Violence,
     Blood
     It's actually not that bad, but I just want to make sure no one is
     triggered. If any of these things upset you, skip it.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It was a typical Saturday night. Jungkook could feel the vibrations from the
speakers as he leaned back into some random guy’s embrace. He rubbed his ass
against an impressive erection as the unknown guy growled softly into his ear.
He giggled to himself happily because he knew he wouldn’t have to spend another
night on the cold street. It was time to go to work.
“Damn, you’re even hotter than I expected.”
“I bet you say that to all the boys…” Jungkook teased.
“I’ve heard things…things I that I need to see for myself.”
“Really?” Jungkook spun in time with the music, wrapping his arms around the
other’s neck. “What have you heard?” He sized up his potential benefactor. He
had a more muscular build than Jungkook; thick biceps, broad shoulders and a
strapping chest all compressed in a tight, grease-stained fraternity t-shirt.
He was probably an athlete, either a football or rugby player based on his
noticeably limited vocabulary. He smelled like beer and fried food. He was the
complete opposite of Jungkook’s ideal type, a very important point when
choosing customers. He never offered his services to men he could potentially
develop feelings for…Fratboy definitely met that requirement.
“Mainly that you have the sweetest mouth in the whole fucking state.”
“Hmmm….” Jungkook laughed into his chest. “You wanna find out if it’s true?”
“Why else would I be here?” He pulled Jungkook closer, possessively gripping
his hips.
“You have to pay to play.”
“How much?”
“$200.”
“That’s pretty fucking steep…I’m a student for fucks sake!”
“Isn’t quality more important than quantity? You heard what I can do and you
sought me out. Don’t fucking waste my time if—“
“Okay, okay…where do we do this?”
“Money up front. I don’t accept checks or credit cards,” Jungkook deadpanned.
“Damn, can’t even get a student discount….” Fratboy laughed as he pulled out a
wad of cash, placing it in Jungkook’s palms.
Jungkook counted it first, he always did. “Follow me.” He led Fratboy through
the bass-filled club, jam-packed with drugged out, wasted, and writhing college
kids born of affluence. He wondered sadly if he would have been one within the
crowd had he followed the path set for him. He could have been one of those
uncaring, self-absorbed, gleeful bastards had he just done as he was told. But
there was money to be made now, so he had no time to wallow in self-pity. They
made it to the back door and out into a dark alley.
Fratboy pushed Jungkook into the wall playfully, moving in to kiss him…his lips
met air. “I don’t kiss.” Jungkook specified.
“No kissing? Well, what the fuck am I paying you for?”
“The best fucking blowjob you’ll ever get. Just that and nothing else.”
“No foreplay at all? How in the hell is that worth $200?”
“You’ve already made it clear that you’ve heard what I can do…you should know
why it’s worth it.”
Fratboy pressed his body close to Jungkook; they were nose to nose. “What if I
don’t like your bullshit rules and stipulations?”
“Then I walk away and you lose $200. No refunds.” replied a defiant Jungkook.
“I don’t think so. I fucking paid you…I will get what I want.”
“No, you won’t, you’ll only get what I offer. Calm down…relax,” the boy cooed.
“Just let me show you….” he started to drop down to his knees but Fratboy
jerked him back up and pushed him into the wall, more forceful this time.
Jungkook rolled his eyes, frowning. “If you want more than what I’m offering
I’m afraid I can’t help you. That’s not how this works.” He tried to walk away,
but was grabbed and pushed into the wall again. Jungkook could feel his anger
building.
Fratboy wrapped a thick hand around his neck holding Jungkook in place.
“Tonight…that’s exactly how this works.” He cut off Jungkook’s air supply,
forcing his mouth open. He jammed his tongue down the poor boy’s throat,
sucking roughly at the soft, delicate muscle within. He released his hold
around the boy’s neck, letting his hands roam and explore. “I’m making the
rules now,” he whispered into the boy’s mouth.
Jungkook had been surviving for two years on the streets, so he had dealt with
idiots such as this one before. He was unbothered and unafraid, but mostly he
was pissed off. He smirked as he head-butted the bastard, stomping down as hard
he could on the bridge of Fratboy’s sneakered foot. Then he threw two punches:
one to the asshole’s solar plexus, then an uppercut to his chin. He heard a
grunt of pain and the click of teeth as Frat boy fell in an arc towards the
cold, unforgiving ground. What he hadn’t expected was for his potential
attacker to still be conscious as he fell…he reached out and yanked Jungkook
down with him. Somehow he ended up on his back underneath the man. Before he
could react, Fratboy seized a fist full of hair and started bashing Jungkook’s
head into the asphalt.
Jungkook was scared now. He had lost control of the situation and couldn’t
fathom how to defend himself. His vision swam as he felt dampness blossoming on
the back of his head. He was woozy and disoriented as the world rippled around
him. All of a sudden there were three Fratboys…he closed his eyes trying to
clear his vision. He felt his shoes leave him first; then his jeans being
tugged down, followed quickly by his boxers. “No!” he cried out weakly,
attempting to strike out with uncoordinated lethargic limbs; they weakly
flopped and flailed about. Then he was flipped onto his stomach, Frat boy
forcing him into a half kneel. He felt his cheeks being spread. He felt Frat
boy spit a wallop of a lugie right onto his hole and rub it in. Tears ran down
his face as the boy went limp; it was useless to fight. He resigned himself to
his fate, giving up completely. Then he was split open.
He screeched, seeing white flashes of light behind his eyelids as he clenched
them shut. He could feel himself stretching, skin tearing, to accommodate
Fratboy’s girth. He didn’t recognize the high-pitched, pained pleas and cries
tumbling from his lips. He could feel the weight of his attacker, pressing
further and deeper into him seeking the bottom…then suddenly it stopped. The
pain was still there, but the weight was gone. He let himself collapse onto the
cold asphalt, mumbling words of thanks to no one in particular. He heard a
series of thumps and muffled grunts coming from somewhere near him.
He sat up slowly, still hurting from the obscene intrusion, and quickly scanned
the area. He noticed his boxers and jeans nearby, so he quickly snatched them
and pulled them on to hide his shame. A tall, lanky boy with flaming red hair
leaned over Fratboy’s supine, squirming body. He couldn’t hear what the
newcomer said, but he watched in fascination as he lifted his boot high and
stomped down hard twice upon that rapist’s face…he heard bones crack. Fratboy
wasn’t squirming anymore. His hero spat at the now motionless body before
kicking the pants-less offender in the nuts. He was savage as fuck; Jungkook
felt like he had been properly avenged.
The redhead turned his attention to the victim who promptly directed his eyes
to the ground, fidgeting under his gaze. He walked slowly towards the boy,
hands held up in surrender so as not to scare him off. He stopped only to
retrieve Jungkook’s discarded shoes and then resumed his approach. “I promise,
I won’t hurt you.” He assured, calmly. He made his way over and kneeled close,
but not too close, to the quivering mess that was Jeon Jungkook. He pulled out
a phone. “Should I call 911? A family member? A friend?”
Jungkook shook his head viciously, clamping his eyes shut to staunch the tears.
“No…don’t do that. I’m fine—I’ll be fine.” He tried to stand, but his flaming
ass and exhaustion from the trauma he had just experienced won out; he crumpled
onto his knees instead. He was lightheaded, blood running steadily from a
gruesome gash on the back of his head. He reached back to feel the wound. From
his peripherals, he saw the redhead reaching out cautiously, hesitantly, to
place a soothing hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to go to a hospital?”
Jungkook shook it off. “No.”
“Is there some other place…somewhere safe I can take you?”
“No.”
“’Well…” the redhead looked away, running his fingers through his hair in
frustration, “I guess you’ll have to come back to my place.” Jungkook looked up
at him warily and the boy hurriedly put his hands up in surrender again. “No
pressure, I just don’t want to leave you out here like this. You’re seriously
injured and it smells like it’s about to rain soon.” He looked up at the sky.
“I refuse to leave you here alone, but I really don’t like being wet or cold.
I’ll leave it up to you then—“ he met Jungkook’s eyes, “—out here in the rain
or back to my place?”
“…I…I don’t think that’s—“
“You can clean yourself up, get some warmer clothes, and I can make you a nice,
hot cup of cocoa,” he rambled as he carefully slipped Jungkook’s shoes back on
his feet. “With marshmallows and whipped cream.” The redhead smiled. "I
insist."
At that moment Jungkook realized that not all angels have wings. For some
reason beyond his understanding he felt compelled to trust the other. He
somehow just knew that this boy would protect him and never hurt him. He was
safe. He was…oddly familiar. “Okay,” he mumbled.
“Good…I’m sorry I didn’t ask before, but is it okay if I touch you again? To
help you stand I mean.”
Jungkook nodded and accepted the other’s hand. The redhead wrapped one arm
around Jungkook’s middle and delicately lifted him to his feet. His legs were
shaking and the pain from standing alone was unbearable, so he was grateful
that his savior never removed the arm from around his waist. “Thank you….for
everything,” He offered quietly.
“Why would you thank me for doing the right thing?”
“I just…I…”
“You don’t have to thank me, not ever. Every person deserves to be treated with
decency.”
“Not all people…” Jungkook said, thinking of how he had spent his last two
years as an addict and a prostitute.
“Well, you might have a point.” He gestured at the attacker lying unconscious
on the ground. “But animals like that can hardly be considered a person.” He
had totally misunderstood Jungkook’s statement. “Anyway…I can’t take you home
without knowing who you are. What’s your name?” He smiled, which should have
totally been out of place given the situation. But the rectangular smile made
Jungkook notice how beautiful the boy was. He was still pretty shaken up from
the attack, so he hadn’t paid attention to the wide, lovely brown eyes, his
flawless tanned skin, or perfect shimmering, silky, red tresses somehow
intensified in the dimly lit alley. He was almost the same height as Jungkook,
about an inch taller, with a slender yet solid frame. He was quite handsome
already, but when he smiled he was divine. His face, again, was oddly familiar…
He found himself returning a rueful smile to his savior. “Jungkook… Jungkook
Jeon.”
The redhead’s eyes lit up for some strange reason. “Ah…Jeon Jungkook. Can we
switch to Korean?” The boy nodded. The redhead’s smile grew even brighter and
boxier, and he switched from English. “Jeon Jungkook, I’m Kim Taehyung. Nice to
meet you.” He offered a hand and Jungkook grasped it lightly. “Now that we got
that out of the way, let’s get you home okay?”
Jungkook nodded timidly. Taehyung tightened his hold around the boy’s waist as
they hobbled away. They had only taken a few steps when Jungkook stumbled so
badly that he almost took Taehyung down with him. He looked up at Taehyung and
muttered a bashful, “Sorry.”
“It’s not your fault…you’re injured.”
“If I didn’t hurt so damned much, I’d go back and kick him right in the dick.”
"Sorry, but I beat you to it," Taehyung laughed softly. “I'm sorry...I have to
apologize beforehand, but this would go so much easier…” he quickly and gently
scooped a gasping, wincing Jungkook up into his arms, “if you let me carry
you.” He smiled at the stunned boy. “Is this okay?” They were moving again.
Jungkook nodded slowly, awed at the up close view of his hero under the street
lamps. He had noticed the wide, bright eyes earlier, but had not noticed the
long, luxurious lashes that framed them; they delicately brushed his cheeks
every time he blinked. He had not noticed the perfect line of pearly white
teeth that lit up the whole alley each time the redhead smiled, nor the deep
laughlines framing his grin. He had not noticed the super cute moles on his
lower lip and on the tip of his nose that would have been flaws on any other
face except for the one they were on. And speaking of lips…Taehyung’s plump,
pink lips looked oh so biteable. He hadn’t even noticed the lips were moving.
He shook himself out of his reverie. “Excuse me?”
Taehyung looked worriedly at him. “Your head wound looks pretty bad. And
there’s no telling what diseases that asshole is carrying…you should at least
get tested. I really wish you would let me take you to the hospital. Please?”
“Okay,” Jungkook replied, still slightly dazed.
“Wow, you agreed that easily? And if I asked you to let me call the police….”
Jungkook hid his head in Taehyung’s chest, mumbling into it. “Let’s just say
that if you call the police, pervy Fratboy won’t be the only one in trouble.”
“Ah…I see.”
As they moved along, Taehyung chattering away and cautiously choosing his
steps, Jungkook took the opportunity to covertly inhale as much of his savior’s
scent as possible. He wanted to commit it to memory. He snuggled deeply into
the other’s neck. Jungkook grew intoxicated by the smell of expensive cologne,
sweat, and fruity body wash as Kim Taehyung Kim Taehyung Kim Taehyung Kim
Taehyung Kim Taehyung Kim Taehyung ran on a never-ending loop inside his head.
Even as he slipped from consciousness he held on desperately to that name; it
was one he would forever cherish. Kim Taehyung was a man he would forever
cherish. His last thought before he descended into the murky depths of
unconsciousness: I think I might already love you, Kim Taehyung. I wish I could
stay here in your arms forever…
Chapter End Notes
     Ah...Taekook. Sry, Yoongi. I've switched my allegiance yet again just
     reading this chapter after such a long time hehehe. I struggled with
     the rape scene because the act is so heinous; I hated to put Jungkook
     through it, but the moment he and Taehyung meet...epic. Jungkook
     suffers so much and Taehyung is like that break in the clouds after
     it's been raining nonstop for three days.
     Taehyung was so heroic, wasn't he? Like Captain Save-a-Hoe frfr, lol.
     But seriously, is anybody wondering why he seems so familiar to
     Jungkook? Why he instantly felt safe? Hmmmm....just tuck that little
     nugget away for later. You'll find out more in Chapter 25 & 26. ;)
     Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Next update on Wednesday!
***** We All Float Down Here... *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook struggles.
      
     ****By now, everything has been tagged.****
It was all too much. Even when he had lived with his family, he hadn’t received
this kind of care and attention. Taehyung had lambasted his view of ‘people’.
He had never known someone as giving, attentive, loving, and sweet. He was so
smart and friendly and compassionate. And hot…can’t forget how hot he is. Like
really, really hot. Like sex personified, hot. He was perfect. Too perfect.
Because he was all of these things, Jungkook found himself feeling underserving
and inadequate. Taehyung had told him a few days after meeting that he wanted
Jungkook to be his friend…it had ruined him. How could someone like him stand
next to someone like that and not feel ‘less than’? Jungkook couldn’t take it
and found himself right back where he had so desperately struggled to escape.
His first year on the streets he had largely dabbled with pills. He had also
occasionally sampled blow. And rarely, very rarely, did he use heroin as a
method of escape. Okay, maybe a bit more than rarely. More like three or four
times a day…sometimes five…for about eleven months. He’d stopped using with
sheer will power once he realized it was hard to score johns with arms covered
in needle tracks. He’d quit cold turkey and gone through withdrawals, locking
himself away for almost three weeks...was it three weeks?
He didn’t remember much about that time period except that he’d vomited, sweat,
and shit the poison right out of him. Then he’d gotten a prescription for
Suboxone to help build his resistance to the effects of the drug. And he
promised himself he would never set foot inside that place again…the earthbound
hell that was a safe haven for scum, for people like him. This night would be
the first time he broke that promise. He needed to use…just once, and he would
never use again. Ever. Liar a voice whispered inside his head…he found himself
standing at the stoop in the wee hours of the morning ready to toss away his
sobriety.
He climbed the stairs, ashamed when he saw a flash of recognition in the
guard’s eyes. He couldn’t return the smile sent to him. “I…I want to float.”
The man shot a quick text, the door opened and Jungkook went inside. He didn’t
make eye contact with anyone, keeping his eyes trained to the floor. He already
knew where he was headed. Down the hallway, through the kitchen, into a doorway
next to an unused refrigerator, and downstairs into the basement. There he
would find his salvation.
He could feel the blood pumping in his veins. He walked over to the closest bed
aligning the wall, he didn’t like being out in the open while he floated. He
saw a tall, stringy man in a yellowed, tattered white t-shirt. He looked for
marks on the man and was happy to see tracks on his neck that traveled down his
arms and probably to other places hidden from public viewing. Users knew the
best spots to hit in order to get the best high, and this guy looked like a
professional user. He handed Dingy Man a twenty. “Groin.” The man pocketed the
money, nodding before hurrying away and then returning with a platter.
He pulled down his jeans and boxers as Dingy Man set up an impromptu work
station. The man laid out a sealed syringe and needle, a bowl of water, alcohol
pads, two spoons, citric acid, a lighter, and of course the brown rock that
would make all of Jungkook’s problems melt away…if only for a few hours. He
looked away as Dingy Man prepped, spaced out, and only regained focus as the
man went down on his knees.
He bit his lip as the needle pierced his skin and within the span of two
heartbeats…a jolt of elation as he felt the instant high. He let himself
collapse onto the bed; Dingy Man gathered his gear and left. High quality
shit…he was already floating. He lingered in that place just between sleep and
awake. He was a cloud on water…he had no tether…he was free from all burden. He
was floating and free.
                                     *****
A few hours later, he exited feeling exhausted yet loose. He didn’t expect to
meet his guardian angel in a place such as this. Taehyung sat on the curb
looking utterly out of place. He was too good to be here. Too pure. Too out of
reach for someone like him. He noticed Jungkook standing there staring. He
smiled awkwardly and stood up. “So…you’re here again?” Though he was smiling,
his voice was sad.
“It’s…it’s not your concern, Taehyung-hyung.” I brushed past him, striding down
the street. “It’s my business, just leave it.”
Taehyung picked up an easy pace, following. “Hey, no judgment from me. I just
thought that after everything…”
“Well, you thought wrong.”
“Did you at least call the number I gave you? He’s my cousin and an excellent
counselor.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Didn’t want to.”
“Jungkook-ah…I just want to help.”
“I didn’t ask for your help.”
“Sometimes people who need help don’t realize that they need it.”
“Just leave me alone,” Jungkook said over his shoulder
“I can’t.”
Jungkook spun on him, yelling in his face, “Why!?! What do you get from all
this, hyung? I’ve told you thank you a thousand times, I truly thank you for
being there…but you don’t have to keep coming around. You don’t have to call
me, or text me, or follow me around. I don’t know what you want from me but I
guarantee you’re wasting your time here. There’s nothing I can give you to pay
you back for what you’ve done for me, okay? Can we just be square? I don’t have
anything to give, so let’s just be square.” He turned to leave, but Taehyung
grabbed onto his wrist.
“You think I do all these things because I want some kind of payback?”
“Why else? No one is like this…whatever it is you want from me, I don’t have it
to give.”
“All I’ve ever asked for is your friendship…that’s all I want.”
“Fine, you have it…now can I leave?”
“No, not until we settle this. Jungkook-ah…do you not want me as a friend?”
“What? That’s the stupidest question…like, are you even real Taehyung-hyung?”
“All I’ve done is try to be a friend. I talk to you because you’re nice. And
because sometimes you look as lonely as I feel. I call you and text you to make
sure you’re okay. I follow you because I’m worried and I can’t stand the
thought of you being in trouble; because I care about what happens to you. I
thought that these were things that friends did. But I’ve only ever had one
true friend…so maybe I’m wrong. Am I not supposed to do these things?”
“You’ve done enough already! You saved me from that…from that bastard! You took
me to the hospital and paid for my visit. You bought my pain medication and
changed my bandages. You gave me a number to your counselor. You made me
fucking pancakes and let me sleep in your bed!”
“I just thought…”
“You thought wrong. It’s too much, Taehyung-hyung! Can’t you see how one-sided
this ‘friendship’ is? I’m always taking and taking while you’re giving and
giving and I can’t stand it! I feel guilty for not being enough…for not being
able to give back! Don’t you see? It’s killing me…it’s too much!” I stamped my
foot angrily. It was a bit childish, but he had to vent his frustration at the
situation.
“That’s how you really feel?” a crestfallen Taeyhung asked seriously.
“Yes! It’s only been two weeks…TWO WEEKS! It’s crushing me. The pressure…I
can’t deal, hyung.”
“Oh….” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that I
was making it this hard for you. I didn’t mean to burden you. I’m so sorry.”
Jungkook felt relieved, but also miserable. “Is this why…why you came back to
this place? Why you let that person….” Taehyung trailed off.
Jungkook’s mouth dropped open as he turned red from embarrassment. “You saw?
Down there…you went into that place?” He was mortified. “You saw me?”
“I didn’t know that you were going to go through with it. I was worried, so I
followed. I intended to watch until I knew you were safe, but when I saw that
he was about to do it…I left. I couldn’t…”
“Taehyung-hyung…I didn’t…I n-never meant for you to see that.”
“It’s because of me, right?”
“Not in the way you think.”
“Would it be better if I stayed away? If I left you alone and forgot it all,
would you not do that again? Will it keep you from ever entering that place
again?”
“You have this all wrong….” Jungkook grumbled, exasperated.
“Well, tell me so that I get right.”
Jungkook trained his eyes towards his own feet. “You treat me like I’m
something precious that you have to protect…but that’s not who I am.”
“I feel like all life is precious and needs protecting, especially yours.”
“Not all, Taehyung-hyung. You don’t know anything about me…not really. I feel
like you have this false perception of who I am.”
“Then tell me, Jungkook…who are you? Then I can decide if you are who I think
you are.”
“I….I got kicked out of my home for being a disrespectful, ungrateful asshole
and gay. I’m homeless. I’m an addict. I suck dick in alleyways for money so
that I can eat and sometimes pay for a room, but mostly to buy more drugs. That
place I just left…it’s bliss compared to what I have out here on the streets.
It’s the only good thing a person like me has. You wouldn’t understand that
because you’re not like me.”
“And how would you know if I’m like you or not? You haven’t taken the chance to
get to know me. All of this that you’re saying, it’s surface stuff. Everybody
is different on the surface. I don’t care about any of it. I know that you are
nice and funny and good. I know that it makes me smile to see you smiling. I
know that it hurts me to see you hurting, especially when you’re hurting
yourself. And I know you’re only pushing me away because you’re stupid.”
“I’m pushing you away because I don’t deserve this! Not any of it! Your time,
your attention…your friendship. You’re too good for me.”
“Like I said, stupid. How can you say what’s too good for me if you don’t even
know me? You shouldn’t prejudge people, Jungkook…you never know what demons and
vices others are struggling with. Just because I might shoulder mine or hide
them better doesn’t mean they’re not there.”
“Taehyung…hyung. I just feel like it’s a waste.”
“Well I don’t. When I asked to be your friend it wasn’t out of pity or guilt or
anything like that. It’s because I genuinely like you and really want to be
your friend. That’s all.”
“So….you’re not looking down on me? You really want to be my friend?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
Taehyung nodded. “That’s all I want. As far as I’m concerned you don’t owe me
anything. I’m asking for your friendship.”
“Why?”
“Because…” Taehyung said softly, face reddening. “…I truly like you,
Jungkookie.”
Jungkook was at a loss for words. “Ok….friends. I can live with that.” he
managed.
“Great! And as your friend…am I allowed to help you?”
“As long as it’s within reason…no going overboard.”
“Good! And can I offer advice?”
“As long as it’s good.”
“Well, my first advice to you as a friend who cares…you don’t need this place
anymore. I don’t think you should come back. I won’t judge you if you do, but I
don’t like it.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“And my second piece of advice to you…”
“I really should have thought this friendship thing through more thoroughly…”
Jungkook joked.
“Seriously…you should call that number I gave you and schedule an appointment
with Namjoon. I think you need to talk about what happened. Not just that
night, but everything. Your issues with your family, your sexuality, your
‘job’, the drugs, and the rape. I think if you do, you won’t even need this
place anymore.”
“If you think it’ll help…I’ll try.”
“I promise I’ll be a good friend to you, Jungkookie.”
“I hope I can be as good of a friend to you. I hope I don’t disappoint you.”
“I know you won’t.”
They continued down the street together, Taehyung strolling with his fingers
clasped behind his head and Jungkook walking stiffly with red cheeks. After a
while, Taehyung reached down and took Jungkook’s hand. The red spread from his
cheeks to his whole face; he was floating again. This was the best high he had
ever experienced.
 
***** Flying While Falling *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung makes a proposition.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Okay, here’s another one. The power to fly, be invisible, or see the future?
One, two, three…” “Fly!!!” they both yelled out, and burst into laughter. “Why
did you choose flying, Kookie?”
“I’ve been invisible my whole life and it sucks. And I’m too scared to even
think about what my future looks like after…you know…everything that’s
happened. I don’t want to know.” He sipped some cocoa. “What about you?”
“There are too many variables with being invisible. Am I invisible all the
time, or do I get to choose? Am I still solid, or am I non-corporeal? If it’s
perpetual invisibility, how would the people I care about ever find me? Would I
be able to wear clothes, or would I have to greet everybody naked." Jungkook
choked a bit on his drink as Taehyung continued. "They would never be able to
see me smile when I see them. And if my being were comprised of nothingness I
wouldn’t get to pet dogs or play video games or text or anything. I wouldn’t be
able to hold your hand even or hug you…”
Jungkook blushed furiously. “Why not the future, then?”
“Wouldn’t that ruin the surprise of living? Waking up every day and knowing
exactly what’s going to happen…like…what would be the point? Why live at all
when you can experience everything from the comfort of your bed, right? Plus,
there’s too much bad out there. If I knew something bad was going to happen but
couldn’t do anything to stop it, wouldn’t I just feel guilty all the time?”
“That’s pretty deep, Tae.”
“Hmmmm….I guess.”
They sat there together, sipping cocoa and eating chocolate chip cookies during
one of Jungkook’s work breaks. Taehyung had asked his cousin Jin if he had any
openings in his many coffee shops and restaurants littered throughout the
state. Luckily, there was an opening for a barista and a waiter in a
restaurant; Jungkook promptly applied for both. He worked in the café during
the day and at the restaurant at night. He had managed to earn enough to rent a
small one room apartment month to month (Taehyung had graciously paid the first
month and the deposit), and was saving up his money to hopefully start college.
Taehyung had been there by his side, supporting him through it all.
He watched Taehyung sitting there, deep in introspection, with his mouth
screwed up. “Okay...what is it? What's wrong, Tae?”
The redhead jumped. “Nothing…really it’s nothing,” he insisted.
“Tae…” He grabbed the redhead’s hand, kissing it before clasping it tightly
between his own. "Don't lie to me. I know something's up."
He let out a long sigh. “Well…I’ve been thinking. You…you are my friend,
right?”
“Of course. Your best friend.”
“And you would do anything for me, right?”
“Without question,” Jungkook answered truthfully.
“You want me to be happy, right?”
He rolled his eyes. “I live for your happiness, Tae.” Although he responded
jokingly, he was being honest.
It was Tae’s turn to blush. “I’m glad.” He took another sip from his cocoa.
“Aish, just spit it out already…I hate when you do this!” the younger whined.
“You can tell me what you want whenever you want and I swear, I’ll try my best
to make it happen. It’s not selfish to ask for things, especially when all you
do is give and give.” He drank from his cup, a bit annoyed that Taehyung felt
like he couldn’t ask for things. Didn’t he know Jungkook would give him the
world if he could? He had told Tae as much when he confessed his feelings four
months ago.
“Move in with me.”
Jungkook spat cocoa all over himself. “M..move in? M-m-me? Live with you? L-l-
like t-together?” He grabbed some napkins and dried himself off, face burning.
This was much more than someone like him deserved. “I can’t, Tae. I really
can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I already have an apartment.”
“It doesn’t have to be today.”
“I work all the time anyway. What would be the point of me living there if we
never saw each other?”
“Just knowing that you’re there would give me peace of mind.”
“But…I mean…well, if we….NO! I can’t, I won’t.”
“You don’t have a real reason not to.”
“Because…you do too much already for me, Tae! And I appreciate all of it, I
swear I do. But this is just too much.” He already felt bad because Tae was
constantly paying for things and going out of his way to help him with anything
he needed. It also didn’t help that his crush had only strengthened since the
last time he confessed and was denied. “I’m sorry, but I have to refuse. But
thank you for offering.”
Tae’s lips quivered and he turned to look out the window. “Okay.”
“Tae…”
“No worries, it’s fine.” He continued to face the window. “It was just
something I was thinking about.”
Jungkook felt like shit. Here was his friend, his only friend, offering him a
place in his home…by his side. It would be a dream come true to live with the
man he loved. His stubbornness had always been his biggest downfall. It had
gotten him kicked out of his family, but that had helped him find Taehyung. Now
this character flaw could hinder their friendship. What if made him lose his
only friend? Why was he fighting this so much? Like really…would it hurt
anything other than his pride if he moved in with his best and only friend?
“Maybe…” Tae’s head spun quickly and cartoonishly around to find his eyes.
Jungkook bit back a giggle. “…if I could pay you rent?”
“But that’s the biggest reason why I want you to move in.”
“You need help with rent?” he asked, relieved that he might be able to help him
in some way.
“No…it’s just that I know you’re saving up to start college. If you lived with
me you could add that money to your savings, right?”
“Ah….”
“And it’s not just that. You wouldn’t have to pay any utilities or buy food
anymore. You would be able to save so much more and start school sooner.”
“I see.”
“And I worry about what you’re eating and if you’re getting enough sleep. We
could have all our meals together and I would know for sure if you’re getting
rest.”
“I really don’t know why you worry about me so much…it’s not worth the
trouble.”
“It is worth it…Kookie, you are worth it and so much more.”
Jungkook’s heartbeat stuttered before kicking into high gear. Breathlessly, he
asked, “But what about you? You would take on the burden of another person. Not
only financially either. You would lose your privacy and I’d be in your
personal space. Wouldn’t that be too much to ask? What would you get out of
it?”
“I have my own selfish reasons for wanting you to live with me.” Tae noticed
Jungkook’s scarlet face and immediately went on the defense. “Shit, Kook...no.
No, nothing like that. It’s just that I get lonely sometimes. It would be nice
to have someone to talk to, to share meals with…to just be there. And also…” he
peered into his cup “…my nightmares are keeping me awake. I never can remember
them, but…I’m too afraid to go to sleep. I thought if another person were
there…maybe I wouldn’t be so scared.” He couldn’t meet Jungkook’s eyes.
Jungkook balled his fists and bit his lip, utterly frustrated. His Tae had been
suffering and had kept it to himself. “Damn it, why wouldn’t you just tell me
that bit first?”
“Because, I didn’t want you to feel like I was using you.”
Jungkook scoffed. “How would you even be capable of using a person? You
wouldn’t know how.”
“I don't know, Kookie. It's a lot to ask you to just pick up everything and
move in with me on a whim just because it's what I want. It’s selfish of me,
right?”
“No. How could it be selfish of you to need me? Aren’t you always there for me
when I need you?”
“It’s different…”
“It’s exactly the same. Do you think I’m selfish, Tae?”
He grabbed Jungkook’s hand and clasped it between his own. “No, of course not!”
“Then neither are you…it's actually a good idea, now that I've thought about
it. I could save a whole lot." Reluctantly, he let go of Taehyung's hand and
gripped his mug tightly. Heart hammering in his rib cage, Jungkook took another
sip of cocoa. He peered over the top of his cup and asked, "So...when do you
want me to move in?”
Taehyung beamed at him and Jungkook's heart throbbed painfully as he fell a
little bit deeper. And he fell hard.
Chapter End Notes
     Damn it, Taekook is just too cute! *sigh*
***** There's Something About Taehyung... *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung has a weird habit...
After living there a few months, Jungkook realized that it happened at the same
time every night. He wasn’t always awake to catch it, but as he looked over at
the alarm clock on his bedside dresser he knew it was happening. A bit after
two in the morning and the voices started up as usual….
After minutes of the muted voices, he could no longer contain his curiosity. He
crept out of bed, careful not to make a sound. He tiptoed through his open door
and made his way to Taehyung’s closed one. He pressed his ear to the door and
listened to the voices. One, of course, was Taehyung; he could pick his voice
from a crowd of millions. And the second one…the second one was Tae’s as well,
just different. It was gruffer, meaner. He listened as Taehyung had a
conversation with himself.
“…and sometimes he just reminds me so much of you, hyung. He’s so closed off
from everything and everyone. I just have to help him, right? Like you always
helped me.”
“Aish, this brat. You’re going to end up hurting yourself and the kid. Just
don’t push too hard…take your time with these things. He’ll open up when he’s
ready. Look at how long it took me.”
Tae giggled. “You know how I am…I just want us all to live happily.”
“Tae-Tae?”
“Yes, Yogi-hyung.”
“Why are you even doing this? This Jeon Jungkook…do you…do you have feelings
for him? Other than friendship I mean.”
Taehyung was silent for a long moment while Jungkook held his breath in
anticipation. “I don’t know, Yogi-hyung…I know that I like him a lot and care
for him. But it’s not like that, is it? Like we are? It can’t be that, right?”
“Is it that? Be truthful. Remember, I can tell when you’re lying.”
“I know, I know. Honestly hyungie, I…I think it’s building to something like
that. To something like love.” Jungkook inhaled sharply as warmth spread
throughout his body. “It could never be what I have with you…it’s different,
but it’s still good.”
“Liar. You’re a fucking liar.”
“I’m not. Yogi-hyung, I could never lie to you. Never.”
“You promised. You promised I could follow…fuck, why can’t you wait? You lied.”
Tae sounded heartbroken when he replied. “You promised you wouldn’t make me
wait long…where are you? Are you alive? Did you forget me? Did you give up on
me? I need to know because I can’t stand waiting. It hurts too much.” He
started to sob. “Do you know what I have to live with while waiting? It hurts
so much I want to leave, but I’m too scared to leave because then you won’t be
able to find me. And now I have Kookie too…he’s all I have. He’s the one good
thing in this hell. I can’t leave him to find you because I might…love him
too.”
“After all this time, have I finally lost you? Are we…are we over? Is it too
much for you…waiting?”
“No…I don’t know. I still love you more than myself. I’m still not whole
without you. I’ll wait forever. But…” his voice broke. “…there’s Kookie, see?
And with him, I’m not whole but it’s still okay. With Jungkook, I’m okay and it
doesn’t hurt as much.” He cried a bit more. “Kookie makes me so very happy and
maybe one day if I’m with him it won’t hurt at all. Then I could stop waiting.
Am I being selfish? Would it be wrong if I stopped waiting? What if you never
come? What if you never find me? It’s killing me. Waiting is killing me, Yoo—“
Jungkook knocked on the door, but didn’t wait for an invitation to enter. He
saw Taehyung sitting in bed holding a huge, grumpy-looking, cat plushie. Tae
looked up at him, a surprised ‘o’ where his smile usually lived. His face was
red and wet from crying. He was shaking. “What are you doing, Tae?”
He schooled his expression, uselessly wiping away tears as if they hadn’t
already been seen. “Just...I’m just...” He took a breath. “You should be
resting. What are you doing awake this late Jungkookie?”
He ignored the obvious diversion. “Who are you talking to?”
Tae looked utterly defeated, as well as embarrassed. “Yogi-hyung.” He held up
the plushie. “I’m sorry you had to see me like this…” he gestured at himself
“…but, it’s just something I do when I’m lonely or when I need to get something
off my chest.”
“Every night?”
Tae froze. “Kookie…y-you’ve been listening?”
Jungkook nodded. “Not intentionally. I can hear you because I sleep with my
door open. It’s not like I can make out what you’re saying, but I hear you in
here talking.”
Taehyung grimaced. “I always wait until I think you’re asleep. So much for
that. You probably think I’m weird, right? Or crazy?”
Jungkook walked over and took a seat close to Tae. “Why would I think that?”
“Because…”
“Why would I judge how you let out your feelings? I wouldn’t do that to you,
Tae. Not ever. Plus, you’ve seen me at my absolute lowest. How could I ever
judge you?”
“Hmmm…..”
“But I am angry.”
“Angry at me? What did I do?” he asked, instantly contrite. “I’m so sorry,
Kookie. Whatever it was, I didn’t mean to…”
“You didn’t do anything, it’s what you didn’t do.”
Confusion clouded Taehyung’s face. “What?”
“Why didn’t you come to me? It’s one of the reasons why I’m here, right? So
that you’re not lonely anymore? You could just talk to me instead of crying to
some plushie.”
“But you’re always so tired from working. I don’t want to bother you with silly
things.”
“Taehyung, how could you ever bother me? You know that I’m in lo—“ He stopped
himself, not wanting to scare Taehyung.
Taehyung’s eyes softened and a lazy smile grew on his face. “You’re what?”
Jungkook cleared his throat and changed his approach. The last time he had
tried to confess, Tae had given him a long lecture about how he couldn’t return
his feelings. But he could tell, especially by what he overheard earlier, that
Tae was coming around to his way of thinking. He didn’t want anything to deter
that. “We’re friends, Tae, and I like you so much. You should know that any
time you need me, day or night, no matter the reason, no matter what I’m doing,
if you need me just say the word and I’ll be there. Because I like you that
much. I want to be there for you.”
“Kookie…”
“So, no more late nights crying with Yogi-hyung, or whatever his name is.” He
took the plushie and saw a flash of panic in Tae’s eyes. “Well, I guess it’s
okay if you cuddle him.” He returned the toy to the redhead, whose face
instantly flooded with relief. “You can have him but you don’t need him
anymore. Tell me all of it from now on, okay? Talk to me about whatever,
whenever you feel like it. You can still talk to him…if you want…but I’m a way
better listener than that thing.” He scoffed.
“And…can I…if I wanted to...er…cuddle….”
“Don’t I have arms?” He held out his arms and Taehyung leapt into them,
giggling. “They are also yours, whenever and wherever. You don’t have to ask.
I’m here for you.” He gave the redhead a squeeze.
Taehyung looked up at him. “Kookie? Can I…could I…you don’t have to if you
don’t want to…”
“Damn it, Tae! How many times must I say it for you to understand th…”
“Jungkook, can I kiss you?” Jungkook hissed, astonished by the thought of Tae
kissing him…wanting to kiss him. Taehyung, misunderstanding, went immediately
on the defense, holding up his hands. “No…I’m so sorry! I just thought…but just
forget it. Forget I said anything, okay?” Jungkook sat there gawping with a
faraway look. “I mean, you do kiss me all the time…on the hand, on the
forehead, and on my cheek. I just thought…but I didn’t want to make you
uncomfortable of or anything…oh, my god! I made you uncomfortable, right? Shit!
I’m sorry, Kookie. Or should I not call you that anymore? You’re right I don’t
deserve…you’ll forgive me right, Jungkook-ssi? You won’t leave now…fuck, I
don’t know what I’d do…just please…say something. Anything! Just don’t…”
Jungkook grabbed his hands and stared fondly into Tae’s lovely eyes. “Why would
I leave? Do you ever listen to me? Should I tattoo my words onto my forehead so
that you can properly recall them? Why do I even bother talking when you refuse
to hear what I say? You’ve known my feelings for almost a year now, Tae. I
begged your permission to pursue you. You think I would deny you such a small
thing as a kiss?”
“It was such a long time ago when that happened, I couldn’t be sure you still
felt that way. You’ve never said anything afterwards.”
“Only because it makes you uncomfortable when I bring it up. As if my love were
that frivolous. Can’t you see it? Can’t you look at me and see it?”
“But I can’t be sure…”
“Oh, you can be sure. Very sure because I’m certain. I still feel the same way.
My heart is set on you, Kim Taehyung.”
“I still need more time…I don’t want to lead you on. I just need…time…”
“I’ll wait then.”
“No! Don’t wait…well…I mean…okay. I need time to think and to figure out my
feelings. And if it takes too long, if you can’t…if I don’t…just move on. As
long as you’re not suffering and waiting for me. But if you really love me,
don’t pull back okay? I really don’t want you waiting for me…waiting sucks and
it hurts like hell. But if you love me, show me. Give it all to me and don’t
hold back. At least, if that’s what you want…”
“Are you sure this is what you want? You’re telling me ‘don’t hold back’…”
“I want it…I mean it.” He said seriously. “Tomorrow isn’t promised. If
something were to happen to either of us, how much regret would we have because
we waited? I’m willing to try. You are already in my heart…what’s left of it
anyway…but I can’t give it to you completely. Not yet. So give me time, but
don’t wait for me. Just love me like you’ve been doing. Aish, I’m being selfish
again. I’m sorry, but does this make any sense to you all?”
"I'm starting to think you don't you know what selfish means..." Jungkook
couldn’t think of any other way to make him see it. He grabbed Taehyung by the
cheeks. “Kim Taehyung…I love you. I won’t change my mind and I won’t ever give
you up. Never. Even if you decide that I’m not what you want, I’ll still love
you.” I watched as fresh tears fell onto his burning cheeks. “I’m not waiting
anymore. With your permission, I’m going to try my best to prove my love to
you.”
Tae giggled through his tears. “Jeon Jungkookie….fighting!” And he leaned
forward and kissed the younger on the lips.
***** Sometimes Heroes Need Saving Too *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook finds out exactly how much Taehyung has been suffering.
Chapter Notes
     I hope I don't chase too many of you away with this chapter and the
     next. It gets a bit dark, but I swear Chapter 21 is full of Taekook
     fluffiness if you soldier through this.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Jungkook watched his hyung’s hands shake as he tried to cut into his crepes. He
was smiling his signature boxy grin, being overly humorous and way too
cheerful. His eyes though…they were empty. Taehyung looked lost and scared. He
was faking it and the younger knew the cause. It was that time of the month
again and Jungkook still didn’t know why it made Tae act this way. “Do you want
me to drive you?”
“No!” he yelled, a bit too quickly. “I mean, it’s easier when I drive myself.”
“But you always come home at around the same time. Or I could just sit and wait
at a restaurant or go shopping or something….”
“No. Kookie, you’re making this too hard. I only visit grandfather once a
month, one dinner. It’s not a big thing. I’ve driven myself there and back just
fine every time for the last nine years.”
“Yeah, but you…you come back different every time. Sometimes, you don't come
back at all. I don’t like it.”
Taehyung stuffed his mouth with food. “Mmmmm…how’d you get them so light,
Kookie? They’re so yummy.”
“Don’t change the subject. I’ve been watching long enough to know something is
wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Well, then it’s no big deal if I drive you there and drop you off myself
then?”
“I DON’T WANT YOU NEAR THERE!” He was breathing heavily, looking crazed. “Just
drop it….please!”
Jungkook had heard Tae yell before, but never like this. It only made him more
determined to find out what was going on. “Like hell…I’m driving you and that’s
final.”
“But Kookie…”
“No. I’m driving you there and I’ll pick you up from there.”
“Fine,” Taehyung resigned through gritted teeth.
They sat in silence for a while before Jungkook started in again. “You always
come home upset and sad. You won’t let me touch you and you seclude yourself
for days.”
“Sometimes, I need space.”
“Is this the reason why you’re holding yourself back from me?”
“These dinners have very little to do with us, Jeon Jungkook.”
“How would I know for sure, Kim Taehyung?”
“These dinners have been happening since I first came to the states. Just trust
me.”
“I do. But I’m worried. Just…just do this one thing for me. One time. I’ll
drive you there and pick you up. If all goes well I’ll never ask again. Okay?”
“Like I said…fine.” Taehyung left the table and headed to the bathroom to get
ready for his first class of the day. Jungkook started clearing the table, dark
thoughts swirling in his mind.
                                     *****
That evening at Taehyung’s family estate…
“I’ll be ready in about two hours. Just be out here to pick me up. The staff is
gone for tonight, so I’ll have to come out to you. Don’t be late.”
“Two hours…but you’re usually there for longer right?”
“Kookie…” he begged, exasperated. “…just be here a little bit after 8.”
“Okay.”
Taehyung grabbed his bag and got out without a goodbye kiss. Strange…they never
left each other’s sight without some form of affection.
Jungkook drove away, still not understanding the problem. He had been amazed by
the size of the estate Tae’s grandfather owned. He knew that Taehyung was well-
off, but he didn’t know that he was a fucking multi-millionaire. He couldn’t
stop himself from spilling compliments or oohing at every turn of the long
winding driveway. Tae tapped away on his cell as he sulked more and more with
each exclamation of awe, so Jungkook was silent. Now that Tae was gone he could
fully appreciate the scenery.
He was on the highway, headed back home after doing some shopping, when he
noticed a flashing light on the passenger seat. Taehyung had left his phone.
“Shit, what if it ends early or runs late and he can’t call to tell me?” He got
off on the next exit and busted a u-turn onto a ramp to go in the opposite
direction…back to the estate. He sped a little and made it back quickly; it had
only been a bit more than an hour since he had left Taehyung here.
He grabbed the phone to investigate the source of the blinking light. He found
a group chat with both Seokjin and Namjoon.
                                                      Tae: Dinner tonight guys…
                                             Tae: Kookie insisted on driving me
                                                                Tae: I’m scared
                                                     Tae: What if he finds out?
                                                                      Tae: Jin?
                                                                     Tae: Joon?

Joonie: Maybe he should find out
Joonie: He would agree that this should stop
Joonie: U won't do it for yourself or for us...
Joonie: But think about Jungkook
Jinnie: Tae-Tae, u don’t have 2 keep doing this
Jinnie: U don't deserve this
Jinnie: No one deserves this
Jinnie: Plz don't go
Joonie: Plz
                            Tae: After all this time, u guys still don’t get it
                                            Tae: If I don't go...it will be bad
                                                             Tae: Not just 4 me
                                                               Tae: I have 2 go
                                             Tae: I'm sorry that this hurts u 2
                                             Tae: I wish I kept it all 2 myself
Jinnie: Don't say that
Joonie: I'm glad u finally told me after so many years
Jinnie: Me 2
Jinnie: I hate that u went through it alone
Joonie: I hate that u still don't want help
Joonie: I'm begging again, Tae
Jinnie: Joon, stop
Joonie: U should let us help
Joonie: Or at least tell Jungkook...
                                                                  Tae: I can’t…
                                          Tae: He has his own stuff 2 deal with
                                                      Tae: What if he relapses?
                                                         Tae: I can't chance it
                                          Tae: I don’t want him involved at all
                                                      Tae: I have 2 protect him

Joonie: Shit Tae
Joonie: U don’t have 2 go through it alone
Joonie: Or at all tbh
Jinnie: Joon...plz, stop!
Joonie: NO
Joonie: I'm sick of it
Joonie: One phone call and I can end it all
                           Tae: I’m not gonna go through this again with u Joon
                                                               Tae: I told u b4
                                              Tae: u'll only cause more trouble
                                                       Tae: u can't tell anyone
                                                               Tae: ILY so much
                                                     Tae: But BUTT THE FUCK OUT
                                                           Tae: I'm warning you

Jinnie: istg...
Jinnie: Shut the fuck up, Joon!
Jinnie: U want him 2 push us away again?
JInnie: Or if Uncle finds out we know it’ll make things worse 4 him
Jinnie: Sry, Tae
Joonie: Sry, Tae
Joonie: I just...I just hate this
Joonie: And I fucking HATE him
Jinnie: Just come 2 Joon’s when it’s done, ok TaeTae?
Jinnie: He’ll patch you up and I’ll cook something healthy 4 u
Joonie: U can even sleep over
                                           Tae: Sry 4 snapping Joon…sounds good
                                                                 Tae: And ILY2
                                                               Tae: U 2 Jinnie
              Tae: Can u call Jungkook and tell him u're picking me up instead?

Joonie: I’ll call Jungkook in a few and let him know
Jinnie: ftr, I hate this 2
Jinnie: But ILY so much Tae
Joonie: We love u, Tae
Joonie: Tae?
Jinnie: He must be there already
JInnie: Is it okay if I head over now, Joon?
Jinnie: I should be used 2 it by now but I can’t stop crying…
Joonie: Come…it’s ok
Joonie: We can cry together
Jinnie: Omw
Jinnie: Delete these so Tae doesn’t see…
Jinnie: He’ll feel bad
Joonie: Just delete the whole chat
Joonie: He won't remember anyway
Jungkook was now very worried as he stepped from the car and jogged towards the
mansion. He made it to the front door but he didn’t see a doorbell or buzzer.
He knocked and waited a minute before knocking again. There was no answer. He
tested the handle and it gave, so he opened up the door and stepped into the
cavernous entryway.
There was silence…except for a raised, deep voice and every now and then a
thwap sound coming from deeper within the house. Apparently curiosity was also
one of Jungkook’s weaknesses, so the phone lay forgotten in his pocket even
though he had passed several tables upon which he could have left it and gotten
out of there undetected. But his hackles were raised after reading the texts
and he recalled Taehyung’s behavior earlier…something was definitely wrong. He
needed to find out what was going on with Tae. He wanted to see who was yelling
and find out what was making that sound. He had to know. For Tae’s sake and his
own, he couldn’t let it go.
He quietly wove his way through an expanse of expensive furniture, gadgets, and
collectibles, exploring elegant room upon elegant room. After finding nothing
on the first floor, he took the left side of the double staircase and made his
way upstairs. The hallway to his left was dark and quiet, but he saw light
coming from an open door down the right side and could now hear better what the
voice was saying.
“….care of every stray you find? You’re still after the same mutt after all
this time? I saw the pictures! As if you aren’t enough with your muddled,
corrupt blood ruining my family name, I still have to care for some cast off
druggie whore! Shouldn’t you have found a better hobby by now?”
A monotonous, “Sorry, Grandfather,” resounded clearly from the room.
“Is that all you have to say to me? Again and again you waste my money chasing
this homeless slut whose own family doesn’t want him and all you can say is
‘sorry’?” Jungkook’s mouth fell open. Now he knew he couldn’t let it go. He had
to see for himself. He inched quietly forward until he stood in the doorway,
bathed in light. His hand flew to his mouth in shock and tears sprang
immediately from his eyes.
Taehyung was on his knees In front of a massive, lit fireplace…knees that were
being pressed into by the wooden handle of the broomstick he knelt on. His
shirt and jeans were gone. His whole body was trembling and his eyes were
blank. He knelt there, unmoving, staring unfocused in front of him. The boy’s
grandfather struck an imposing figure, standing over him with a thick leather
strap in his hand. He brought up his hand and struck the boy, who flinched but
didn’t cry out. “Sorry, Grandfather.”
“You are stuck on your pet for some reason beyond my understanding, but this is
the last I will speak of Jeon Jungkook. You are stubborn and refuse to see
reason when it comes to him. But if you are willing accept the
circumstances…you can keep the stray. He is of no consequence to me anyway.
You’ve been excelling in school and slowly repairing the harm you’ve done to my
name. You can have this one thing. Just this once. I won’t bring him up again.
But you will pay.”
“Thank you, Grandfather.”
“It’s my gift to you, don’t expect anything else. Why do I spoil you, Taehyung?
You’re a waste just like your father before you.” He swung the strap again. “He
stole my light, my only child, from me and left me with…filth. Aren’t you
filth, boy?” He swung the strap again, harder this time.
“Yes, Grandfather.”
“I knew he was trouble from the moment I saw him…but she begged me. Begged me…”
He swung the strap again. “If I hadn’t been so soft, she would be here. You
wouldn’t be here, but she’d still be here. Do you understand, boy? This hurt,
do you understand it?” He swung again.
“Yes, Grandfather.”
“I’m only this hard…” he swung again, “…this rough on you so that you don’t
become like him.” Thwap!
“Yes, Grandfather.”
The old man grabbed a fistful of Taehyung’s hair, forcing him to look up at
him. “I love you…I really love you. My only, precious grandson.”
“I love you, too, Grandfather.”
Thwap! The old man started crying. “So much…Taehyung….so much.” Thwap. Why?”
Thwap! “Why can I see him still there, still in you?” Thwap! “Why do you have
his face? Filth….trash…undeserving, wicked, perverse thing!” He hit him with
each word. “Wretched…aren’t you a wretched, pitiful thing?”
“Yes, Grandfather.”
"Ah…I managed to draw a lot of blood again this time. Good. It will help you to
remember the pain I feel every time I see your father’s face in yours and how
benevolent I am for continuing to accept your existence. For allowing your
presence in my family. I think the strap has served its purpose well tonight,
wouldn’t you say Taehyung?” the old man asked, breathlessly.
“Yes, Grandfather.”
“But we are far from done. No fire tonight…after last time…no, that would be
too much. Your sins are not great enough…not this month. No cutting either. Not
tonight.” He pulled out a black, cylindrical rod. “This time I promise I will
beat the evil out, so that we don’t have to do this again. No more of this.” He
pulled at the rod and it extended. “I really do love you, Taehyung.”
“I love you, too, Grandfather.” Tae replied, emotion showing for the first
time. His voice cracked. He sounded afraid and he was trembling more.
“Yes…we’ll beat it right out, my beloved grandson. Right out. I’ll break bones
if I have to…to save you.”
Taehyung whimpered. “Please, Grandfather.”
Jungkook’s temporary paralysis broke at his words. His shock faded in
nanoseconds and gave way to unmitigated fury. Everything made sense. This man,
this bastard, was hurting Taehyung. Had been hurting Taehyung for God knows how
long. He thought back to all those days when Tae couldn’t meet his eyes. He
refused to let Jungkook hug him or kiss him. He stayed in his room or locked
himself away in the bathroom, not letting Jungkook get close enough to see. Or
he disappeared for days and wouldn’t answer his phone. He wore all those layers
of clothing, no matter the time of year it was. The nightmares that bubbled up
from his subconscious and kept him from sleeping. He had kept it all to
himself, probably trying to spare others from feeling burdened. He was too
selfless…too good for this vicious world. This fact fueled his rage.
It all made sense…why he went out of his way for someone like Jungkook. He
remembered Taehyung’s words from long ago. You never know what demons and vices
others are struggling with. Just because I might shoulder mine or hide them
better doesn’t mean they’re not there. His heart ached with the realization.
Here in this place, Taehyung had no control. He couldn’t do anything to save
himself and there was no one who could step in and help him. That night, the
night in the alley, he must have seen himself in Jungkook. By saving Jungkook,
he was fighting back. No wonder he was so persistent, so determined. He looked
over at the kneeling boy, a fierce need to protect him surging through him.
Seeing his Taehyung, the strong, fearless boy who had saved him from a
rapist…the determined boy who saved him from drug addiction…the generous boy
who had moved him into his home, only wanting company in return…the gentle,
sensitive boy who wept if he saw hurt animals or homeless people and still
talked to stuffed toys…the compassionate boy who signed him up for counseling
after his rape and went with him on his first visit….seeing him reduced to that
pathetic, scared, shivering thing kneeling on the floor…it was too much. If
Taehyung couldn’t fight back, Jungkook had no choice but to step in.
Tonight, the help Taehyung had never gotten was coming. There would be pain.
There would be destruction. There would be blood. As the old man reared back
his arm to swing, Jungkook angrily and bravely strode into the room.
Chapter End Notes
     I hate to leave you guys hanging and not knowing how Jungkook handles
     this, but I think if you reread the Jungkook chapters, you'll see how
     far he's willing to go for Tae. He's borderline obsessed. Jungkook is
     well acquainted with darkness, so brace yourselves for Chapter 20.
     I'll be leaving in two days to visit rural Louisiana for a little bit
     more than a week. Family reunions...ugh. But it'll be good to see my
     brothers and sisters and their kids. Bad news: No Wi-Fi or cell
     towers...there isn't even cable tv. I'm going to die, but I'm going
     to try and finish the story while I'm there. I'll update as soon as I
     return to civilization on the 28th or 29th, or maybe right before I
     leave Tuesday if you guys want it. Let me know what you guys prefer.
***** Unleashed *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook loses himself to rage.
Chapter Notes
     As promised, the confrontation...I hope you enjoy it.
     Also, 100 kudos and 2500+ hits, thank you all so much for reading. I
     appreciate each and every one of you. :)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Get the fuck away from him!” he shouted. The old man halted mid-swing and
looked at him, stunned, while Taehyung kept staring straight ahead into
nihility. He did not move or acknowledge Jungkook’s presence. “If you dare
touch him…ever again, I will take that rod and ram it right up your old,
wrinkly ass you vile, repulsive, evil—“
“So, the gutter trash is now a guard dog?” The old man burst into laughter.
“Get out of my house, boy, before I call the authorities and have you
arrested.”
“Call them. I’m sure they’ll be very interested to see what you’re doing in
here.”
The old man crossed his arms, smirking. “Leave, boy. You have no business
here.”
“Taehyung is my business. The only reason I’m not over there slowly squeezing
the life from your disgusting body is because I want to spare Tae the sight. If
not for him, you would be dead, you hear me, D-E-A-D, dead. You should be the
one kneeling in gratitude you despicable, sick bastard.”
“Me? Kneeling?” he barked. “Surely, you’re joking, right?”
Jungkook glared at him. “Does it look like I’m joking?” The old man only stared
back at him, seemingly unfazed. “What I want to do is murder you where you
stand. I want to subjugate you and take that rod from your hand, bash in your
skull until I see gray matter, then douse you with lighter fluid and throw you
headfirst, still alive, into that massive ass fireplace. But here’s what I’m
going to do. I’m going to get Taehyung and take him out of here. I’ll let him
decide whether to call the proper authorities or not and report what you’ve
been doing to him…how you’ve been hurting him. Whatever he decides, just know
that you’ll never see him again. I won’t let you.”
“You have the gall to stand there and threaten ME in MY home! To try and take
MY grandson from me? As if I would let you…as if he would let you.” The old man
touched Taehyung’s cheek. “My most dear…my only grandson...”
“Yes, Grandfather?” Taehyung responded, voice hollow and soft.
“Are you ready to leave me? Should I let you go from this place?”
“No, Grandfather.” Jungkook gasped at Taehyung's response. “We are not yet
done.”
"Good…my precious, precious boy.” The old man turned his attention back to
Jungkook. “See? He does not wish to leave yet. I suggest you go wait in the
car. You are not welcome here.”
“Taehyung…can you hear me, Tae?”
The old man started laughing again. “Like he would answer to the likes of you.
I’ve trained him very well, see. He was conditioned to only respond to me.
Right now to him…you don’t even exist. He can’t even see you.”
The old man had made a huge mistake by disclosing Taehyung’s mental condition.
Taehyung had been the only thing holding Jungkook back, but he could no longer
control his anger. He had tried to only for Tae’s sake, so Tae wouldn’t suffer
by seeing him lose it. But since Tae’s consciousness was trapped somewhere in
his headspace, he wouldn’t know what was happening here, right? He wouldn’t see
Jungkook at his absolute worst. He wouldn’t see…Jungkook grinned at the man and
walked slowly towards him. He gave himself over to the dormant darkness that
always accompanied him. “No staff tonight, right?”
“Ah…you’re a brave one, yet. Guess you’re not so worthless after all…”
“I’m about to show you my worth…Grandfather,” he spat. He walked calmly over to
the sick bastard, who was still smiling smugly as if he were unafraid, as if
Jungkook weren’t a threat. He sized up his opponent, unabashedly looking the
man up and down as he mentally compared their stats.
The man was old, but he obviously took good care of himself. He was at least
6’2” and well built…stocky and solid. He did not look like the typical 60+ year
old. Although the old man was muscular and had a size advantage, Jungkook was
younger, stronger, and undoubtedly quicker. All he had to do was tire him out
and then overpower him.
Another disadvantage against the old man was his cockiness. He had gotten away
with doing whatever he wanted for so long without consequence that he didn’t
even consider the possibility of being bested. The only thing that gave the
younger the slightest pause was the man’s absolute lack of a conscience. If he
could do what he did to someone as pure and kind and sweet and lovable as Kim
Taehyung, then what would he do to someone like Jungkook?
All these thoughts flooded Jungkook’s mind in the span of seconds; he had
already formulated a plan. He had to make this short, yet brutal. Fast, yet
final. He needed to instill absolute fear in the old man to be sure that he
never hurt Taehyung ever again. Mind made up, he closed the distance between
them.
“I doubt you’ll do anything. Usually mutts like you are all bark and no bite.”
He gestured Jungkook forward. “Come, mutt. Do your worst. But when it’s all
over it’ll be you who will never see my Taehyung again. You’ll rot in a jail
cell for the rest of your life. But don’t worry about being lonely…I’m sure
with my connections I can have the warden arrange some conjugals for you. There
are a lot of hard cases in there who could benefit from your skills,” he
sneered. “Let us see if you’ll bite, mongrel.”
"You’ll see soon enough old man.”
They circled each other, Jungkook glaring and focused, Mr. Kim leering with one
hand in his pocket and the other lazily gripping the rod. Out of nowhere, the
old man swung the rod up; Jungkook dodged it and countered, landing a hook on
the man’s cheek. The man tried to knee Jungkook in the groin, but he blocked
it…he wasn’t fast enough to dodge a headbutt. His heard the clack of their
skulls crushing together, vision swimming as blood droplets spilled into his
left eye. The old man punched him hard in the face, splitting his lip open. He
pushed Mr. Kim away but the man charged again, swinging his rod and catching
Jungkook hard on the shoulder. “You haven’t shown me much yet, boy.” Mr. Kim
laughed. “Maybe I should motivate you to fight harder, hmmm? Should I have
Taehyung stick his arm in the fire?”
"You sick bastard!”
“Taehyung…” he started, but he never finished the sentence.
Consumed by anger, Jungkook unleashed the entirety of his rage. He welcomed
back the old Jungkook; the unfeeling, ruthless, immoral being who had been left
behind long before Taehyung entered his life; before he had gotten clean. This
Jungkook felt no pain, was unafraid, and had no worries. This Jungkook was
chaos. This Jungkook was dangerous. The old man would pay greatly for his
underestimation.
He decked the old man right in his foul mouth before he could finish with full
force. He felt it through his knuckles when a few teeth gave away, flying down
the man’s throat and choking him. The man dropped the rod and clutched at his
throat in surprise; he really had not expected the blow. Jungkook stood there,
sporting a bloody grin as the old man choked on his own teeth.
Then he punched him again, this time going for the nose. He felt the bone break
and saw a spurt of blood. The old man grunted, spluttering meaningless
syllables that he couldn’t really vocalize due to him still choking on his own
teeth. He dropped to the ground landing flat on his back, moaning painfully. He
rolled over onto stomach and spat out his teeth onto the shiny, wood floor. He
tried to crawl away, but received a sharp, violent kick to the stomach.
Jungkook laughed as the man coughed up blood and kicked him again. The old man
clutched his middle, rolling over onto his back in agony.”
Jungkook straddled him and took a seat on his chest. “All that talk earlier, I
expected more fight from you, yeah? It’s a bit harder for you when someone hits
back. Of course, my Tae wouldn’t retaliate. He probably feels like he owes you
this after all your brainwashing.” He could feel the man trembling beneath him
as he flashed another crimson-tinted smile. “I’m not him and I say he doesn’t
owe you shit!” He grabbed the man by the throat. “Now, I’m going to show you
what real pain feels like, old man. All these years…all the times you’ve hurt
him…I’m going to pay you back for every single offense. I guarantee that when
I’m done with you, you’ll be a changed man and never even think about hurting
Tae or anyone else again. I hope you’re as strong as he has been, old man.”
And then he was raining down punches on the old man, beating him about his face
and his body. He gave himself over completely to his rage, so much so that he
lost track of the time. He didn’t stop until he was tired and his knuckles were
bleeding. The old man was quiet and unresponsive, facial features nearly
nonexistent…marred by swelling, bruises, and blood. He checked the man’s pulse.
“Passed out? Already? We can’t have that now, can we?” Recalling an earlier
threat, he grabbed up the black rod and stuck the metal end into the fire. He
waited until the rod was nice and hot.
He walked over to the old man, pulled down his pants, and shoved the hot rod
right up his liver spotted, entitled ass. The sound and smell of sizzling flesh
filled the room. He imagined the man’s insides melting to mush; the skin
melding and fusing into a hard, raw casing around the rod. If he ripped it out,
the old man would surely die. It would have to be cut out and that made
Jungkook’s smile grow larger. The man jolted from unconsciousness involuntarily
jumping two feet off of the floor before falling back down again, yowling in
pain and sputtering. He flailed around like he was actually on fire, trying to
extinguish nonexistent flames. Jungkook used one foot to hold the man down as
he laughed maniacally, head thrown back and tears leaking from his eyes. After
a minute or so of enjoying the man’s attempt to struggle free, he removed his
foot and let the man crawl a bit.
As the old man dragged himself forward, Jungkook noticed a gleaming ring on the
man’s finger emblazoned with a ‘K’. He yanked it off. He went over to the
fireplace again, grabbing a set of pincers. He put the ring between the pincers
and held it over the flames. “And just to be sure that you remember, that you
don’t have another change of heart…” He pulled the pincers out, seeing the ring
burning a bright red-orange. He walked over, kicked the old man over onto his
back again and quickly, yet firmly, pressed the ‘K’ into the man’s sternum. The
man wailed and thrashed about while Jungkook just stared.
He cast aside the ring and pincers and straddled the whimpering old man. He
grabbed him by the throat, moving in close to whisper in the man’s ear. “You
know what Tae calls me? Kookie. I want you to remember it well. Whenever you
see that ‘K’ burned into your chest, remember my name. Remember it and fear me.
Because if you ever try to directly contact, threaten, punish, or mistreat him
in any way…I’ll come back for you. You can hire twenty men…fifty men and I
would still come. You could hide out and strike from a distance, I would still
come. And it will be worse next time, believe me. Kookie. Jeon Jungkook, that’s
me. Remember it well unless you want to meet again in the future.” He let the
man’s head loll back on the floor.
The old man slurred unrecognizable words in response, but Jungkook paid him no
mind. The darkness in him fled as old Jungkook receded far back into his
subconscious again. The old man, the room, everything disappeared as he turned
to look at the shuddering, unfocused redhead; he still knelt on the broomstick,
unresponsive. “Tae…” he whispered to himself, sadly. He went over and helped
the boy to his feet, caressing his cheek lovingly. He collected the strewn
shirt and jeans, and helped the boy get dressed. He carefully put his shoes on
his feet. He grabbed the boy’s backpack, picked him up bridal style, and
carried him from that foul place. “Tae…love? Are you back?” Taehyung didn’t
respond, eyes still lifeless.
As they walked down the stairs headed towards the car, a grandfather clock
resounded throughout the mansion…after eight clangs of the clock’s gongs,
Taehyung blinked. He was back…but not completely. He looked up at Jungkook.
“Kookie? Early…I….told you….wait….just wait there….” he mumbled, fisting the
younger’s shirt weakly. “…stay…stay in car…don’t come…not there.”
“It’s okay, Tae. I didn’t come in. I met you on the stairs, just there.” He
felt moisture on the arm supporting Taehyung’s back; blood had soaked through
his hyung’s shirt. He muttered curses under his breath, wanting desperately to
go back and finish what he had started. But getting Tae to safety took
precedence; Taehyung would always be his priority.
“Goo…good. AH!” He yelled out, wincing in pain as Jungkook jostled him to open
the car door.
Jungkook frowned. “Sorry, Tae. I’ll try to be gentler.” He kissed the boy’s
cheek. He got Tae settled in the front seat and buckled in first, making sure
he was comfortable. Within minutes they were speeding down the highway.
“I think I hurt myself somehow,” Taehyung mumbled, eyes closed.
“Can I do anything to help, Tae?” Jungkook looked over at the no longer
fidgeting boy yet still shivering, now passed out either from the pain or the
trauma. “Okay,” he responded to no one. His knuckles leaked, but he felt no
pain as he gripped the steering wheel. He wondered what would have happened if
he hadn’t gone back, if he hadn’t gone in to investigate…he felt he had been
far too lenient with the old man.
He grabbed his cell and dialed up Namjoon.
“Jungkook…I’ve been trying to call you to let you know that I would be picking
up Taehyung tonight. We have to—“
“Save it, hyung. Whatever lie you’re about to tell just swallow it. Taehyung is
right beside me.”
“He is?” Jungkook could tell that Namjoon had already grasped the situation.
“Bring him to my place. I’ll text you the address.”
“On my way.” He hung up before Namjoon could say anything further. He stewed in
his anger as he drove speedily, yet carefully down the highway.
                                     *****
Jungkook heard footsteps rushing to the door. Namjoon opened up hastily, waving
Jungkook inside. The elder looked terrible; eyes bloodshot and inflamed, hair
wild. “Hurry, let’s get him on the sofa.”
Jungkook carried an unconscious Taehyung to the living area and laid him down
cautiously before kneeling in front of him. “The worst of it is on his back.
He’s bleeding a lot.”
“Okay.” Namjoon went to work, completely ignoring Jungkook while thoroughly
examining his cousin. “You should go to the kitchen and help Jin. I got this.”
Jungkook bit his cheek to hold in his response, nodding solemnly before making
his exit.
He found chaos in the kitchen, counters overflowing with ingredients and all
burners occupied on the stove. Seokjin raced around the kitchen in a frenzy,
stirring here and chopping there. Jungkook could tell he was anxious and the
last of his anger dissipated a bit. It wasn’t gone, just not as strong. “Can I
help, hyung?”
“No…no, I’ve got it. If I don’t keep moving, I’ll break again.” He picked up a
mixing bowl and started stirring. “Can I get you anything? A snack? Something
to drink?”
Jungkook took a seat at the island, inhaling deeply to take in the warring
scents filling the kitchen. Is that coffee I smell?”
Jin jerkily slammed down the mixing bowl; Jungkook flinched. “Yeah.” He rushed
over to the coffee maker. “How do you want it? Joon has all these extra flavors
and add-ins. I can make it however you want it.”
“Just black.”
Seokjin nodded, biting his lip as he filled a mug and brought it to Jungkook.
He flinched away upon properly noticing Jungkook’s condition, the busted lip
and open gash over his eye. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but he
stood there fidgeting instead, switching his weight from foot to foot and
sometimes tapping either his finger on the island. Jin’s eyes wandered all over
the kitchen, anywhere but at Jungkook as the younger took a sip. “Good?” he
asked and Jungkook nodded.
“Jin-hyung…he’s going to be okay.”
Seokjin nodded. “I know…he always is. How bad was it this time?”
“I don’t know. When I…interrupted…he was kneeling on a broomstick and getting
beat with a strap. I didn’t let it get any further than that.
“Shit!” He came around the island and gripped Jungkook’s arm desperately. “What
did Uncle say? Did he threaten you? Do we need to hide Tae somewhere?”
“I don’t think we have to worry about him anymore. I’ve handled it.”
“How?”
"I think it’s best if I kept what happened to myself for now. I’m sure you’ll
find out later. Right now all I care about is Tae.” He sipped from his mug as
the nervous ball of energy that was Jin went back to cooking.
"You know—“ Jin started, back turned as he stirred something bubbling in a pot,
“—Joon and I only found out a few years back.”
Jungkook felt his anger flaring again. “Years? And yet you’ve never done
anything about it? You let him get tortured for years and didn’t say a fucking
word?”
"It's not like that,” Jin replied, voice strained.
“It’s exactly like that! You could have called the police. Or told your
parents. Anything other than letting him suffer there! You didn’t see what I
saw!"
“You don’t understand anything!” Jin yelled, rounding on Jungkook with wild
eyes. “And you haven’t seen what I’ve seen! Three years! Three years of putting
him back together after every dinner with Uncle. I’ve seen much worse than a
few welts and bleeding cuts, Jeon Jungkook. Don’t you dare come in here and try
to judge us when we’ve been the only ones who give a damn about Taehyung!”
“If you cared so much you would have done something!”
"You stand there in judgment like you know we didn't try to help. We did!" Jin
approached him, angrily waving a spoon in his face. “We did do something, but
it only made things worse!”
"How could anything be worse than what he’s already suffered?”
“I’m guessing while you were at Uncle’s house tonight you didn’t find the
basement?” Namjoon asked calmly as he walked in, cleaning his glasses with the
bottom of his shirt before placing them back on his face.
"Basement?” Jungkook looked from Namjoon to Jin, and back again. “Why does that
even matter?”
“When I first realized that Taehyung was being abused, I called the police
anonymously so as to not cause discord in the family. “They talked to Uncle
once and the complaint was tossed out…his connections are too deep for him to
ever get in trouble. But Taehyung disappeared for two weeks.”
“Disappeared? Where did he go?”
“The basement.” Jin spoke up, softly. “We waited until Uncle left for an
overnight business trip and snuck into the mansion to search for Tae. We found
him there…” he choked on his words.
Namjoon took charge again. “He was locked in a cage.”
Jungkook’s hand balled into a fist. “What?”
“He was locked in a cage. He…he had been starved and beaten. And his face…if I
didn’t know him so well I wouldn’t have recognized him. He could hardly speak
and one of his eyes was closed up. He was so frail and weak.”
“We searched everywhere for a key or something we could use to break the cage
open,” Jin sobbed, “but we couldn’t. Then we called the police again but
Taehyung begged us to hang up.”
Namjoon took over again. “He told us he was being punished because someone
called the police, and that the punishment would be worse if Uncle found out
they were called again. He begged us to leave and not tell anyone. Made us
promise.”
“He said he would deny everything if we told and that he would cut us out of
his life for good.”
“He said he needed to stay, that he couldn’t leave Uncle no matter what.”
Jungkook was dumbfounded. “But why?”
Namjoon shrugged his shoulders. “I still don’t know. Every time we tried to
squeeze it out of him, he just said that he has to stay here, that he’s
waiting. He made us leave him there and told us not to ever mention it again.
We felt so guilty about being the cause of such a cruel punishment, we did as
he asked.”
"None of this makes any sense to me!” Jungkook yelled. “Why would you listen to
him? Why wouldn’t you just take him out of there against his will? I don’t give
a shit how mad he would have gotten or if he would have cut you out of his
life…as long as he was safe it would have been worth it!”
“That’s how I felt at first,“ Namjoon said, “I was in such agony about his
situation that I searched out a hitman to end it permanently. But when I talked
to Taehyung he told me he would never forgive me if I had Uncle killed. And
then he disappeared again, this time on his own. He wouldn’t answer my calls. I
showed up at his house and he wouldn’t answer the door. He cut Jin out, too.”
Jin nodded. “It took months of apologizing before he finally texted us back. He
had been so worried that Uncle would find out that we knew and would hurt us,
so he had distanced himself to protect us. After that, we promised him we would
let it go and forget everything. We gave our word that as long as we could see
him and make sure he was okay, we would not interfere.”
“But that was kind of hard to do when he started showing up after these monthly
dinners needing medical attention. So, we take care of him the best we can.
Every now and then I get frustrated and try to convince him to see reason. I
get tempted to use that number I found. But he’s so stubborn.”
“And he can’t remember most of what happens to him. He knows that he’s being
abused, but he can’t recall the details. In a way I’m grateful that he can’t.
The things we’ve seen…you have no idea, Jungkook.” Jin shuddered at the
thought. “You have no right to judge us when we’ve been the only ones here who
care for him, who have been going through this with him.”
Jungkook stood. “Even after all of the bullshit, I still don’t understand why
you’ve done nothing. You could explain until you’re blue in the face but it
just sounds like excuse after excuse to me. I’ll let it go because none of it
matters anyway. Tonight was the last night, I made sure of it. I just want to
check on Tae and make sure he’s okay.”
“Spend the night.” Namjoon spoke from behind him. “He doesn’t like to go to the
hospital, but I can treat him here if something happens.”
“And he lets us spoil him a bit. You know, making his favorite meals and
showering him with love and cuddles to help him get through it all.”
“Plus his back is shredded. It might be painful to move him.”
Jungkook swallowed his anger and put Taehyung’s need first. “Okay. Is there a
guest bedroom?”
“I’ll show you his room, right after I look you over…you’re hurt, too,
Jungkook.”
“As long as Taehyung is okay, I don’t care.”
                                     *****
"….Kim, Founder and CEO of Kim Enterprises was found in his home this morning
by staff, brutally beaten in his home. Authorities have described the incident
as a potential ‘burglary attempt gone bad’. According to Mr. Kim, assailants
broke in intending to rob the magnate’s home, but attacked when he resisted.
The 64 year old is listed as in critical condition, but is expected to recover.
Because the surveillance equipment had been shut down earlier that evening and
the victim refuses to cooperate any further with the investigation, there are
no leads as to who the suspects are. Police are now seeking information from
anyone who may know…”
Jungkook left Jin and Namjoon sitting there on the sofa in stunned silence,
walking back to the kitchen island where Taehyung quietly sat. He ate pancakes
topped with whipped cream and strawberries made especially for him by Seokjin,
earbuds in as he listened to music from his phone. He must have felt Jungkook’s
presence because the redhead suddenly looked up at Jungkook with the sweetest,
brightest, biggest Taehyung grin he had ever witnessed…so big that his eyes
disappeared into slits. “My grandfather’s secretary called a bit earlier. No
more monthly dinners.” He pulled out one earbud.
“Really? Well…guess there’s no need to argue about me driving you over there
anymore.” He fixed himself a bowl of cereal and sat down next to Taehyung.
“I guess so…but…it’s sudden, isn’t it? Out of the blue. Grandfather and I had
dinner every night when I lived there, and then once a month when I moved out.
After nine years it just stops.” He wolfed down another forkful, cheeks
bulging. “It’s….strange.”
“Did she say why?”
“No…I didn’t bother to ask either.” He sat his fork down. “I’m glad that I
don’t have to go anymore. I’m….relieved actually. I never liked it there. It
just felt…wrong. I felt wrong there.” he said quietly.
“Well, it’s a good thing then…isn’t it?” Jungkook asked as Taehyung beamed at
him; Jungkook ruffled his hair and kissed him on the forehead. “It interfered
with our movie nights anyway.” Taehyung nodded enthusiastically.
“Hmmm….so, what do you want to do? I have no classes today and then it’s the
weekend? Are you working?”
“No. I asked Jin for the next couple of days off. I knew you had a bit of free
time coming up and I wanted to spend it with you…if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is.” He smiled.
“So, how about this. We lock ourselves in all weekend. No phones, no
distractions. We order takeout and watch anime in bed all day long. Namjoon
said we can stay here and he and Jin will join us when they can.”
“That sounds really good actually. I didn’t feel like being too active anyway.”
“I figured.”
They sat silently for a moment, Taehyung gazing thoughtfully at the ceiling.
“You know…I’m not an idiot. And I’m not weak. You don’t have to be like this.
We don’t have to pretend. I’m only doing so because I feel like that’s what you
want to do. Are we really going to act like nothing happened?”
“I just want you to feel better. There’s no need to discuss anything.”
“I know you feel like you have to protect me from whatever happened last
night…it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”
“I know. I just worry too much.”
“So do I…I’m worried about you.” He lightly touched the sutures above
Jungkook’s eye. “When I went into the mansion you were perfectly fine, but now
your lip is busted and there’s a gash over your eye. Your hands are wrapped up
in bandages. I heard you groan when you got up to use the bathroom this
morning. I know you’re trying not to call attention to it but my eyes aren’t
big for nothing, Kookie.”
“It’s nothing, Tae. I’m fine.”
“I didn’t want you involved. I tried to protect you from that place. But I know
you came in, and I know you did something. You got hurt because of me but I
can’t remember….”
“Tae, I’m fine. Just leave it alone. You should be focusing on getting better.”
“I can’t, I have to say this. You don’t have to tell me what happened. I don’t
really need to know. But I don’t ever want you to get hurt again, not for me.
That’s more painful than anything else, okay?”
“I can’t promise you that, Tae. Seeing you hurt…I can’t see that ever again.”
“I’m so grateful to you, Kookie. Jin and Namjoon have been trying to reason
with me for years, but I never let them help. I was stupid. I don’t know what
you did but thank you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me enough
to save me. I’ll never be able to repay what you’ve given me. I’m finally free,
I don’t have to go back there—“
“I don’t need your thanks, Tae.”
“I love you,” Taehyung stated firmly. Jungkook looked up wildly, eyes wide and
round in disbelief, mouth hanging open. “I’m not where you are quite yet, but I
know without a doubt that I do love you, Jungkook.” And he kissed him gently,
sweetly on the lips. “You don’t need my thanks, so I’ll just give you my love.”
A shocked Jungkook stuttered, “L-love?”
Taehyung smiled and gently pulled Jungkook in for another kiss, this one deeper
and wetter. “Yes, love. You are my best friend, Kookie. I trust you more than
anyone. And I love you, I really do. Instead of thanks, accept my love.”
Jungkook was spellbound by questioning, yet beautiful, brown eyes that seemed
to be burrowing into his skull in an attempt to foresee his response. He smiled
brightly at Taehyung. “I’ll take it.” And for one infinitesimal moment for Jeon
Jungkook, all was right in the world.
Chapter End Notes
     Well...that was something. This chapter was inspired by behaviorism,
     Psych 101. That Pavlov was a bastard, but a smart bastard. Just
     thinking about how those poor doggies were treated...ugh.
     I don't know what it is about dark Jungkook that I find so
     compelling, I just do. Do you agree with Jungkook that Jin and
     Namjoon should have done more? And what about that ILY at the end?
     Tae is just so adorable. Has anybody firmly chosen a pairing? Taegi
     or Taekook? Currently I'm Taegi, but I won't tell you why... ;)
***** Surrender Doesn't Always Mean Giving Up *****
Chapter Summary
     In this last Taekook flashback chapter, Taehyung and Jungkook get
     closer....
Chapter Notes
     I'm sorry I didn't get to post while on vacay. There was absolutely
     NO signal. I was even without a cellphone. To make it up to you all,
     you get this chapter today, one Saturday, and another either Sunday
     or Monday depending on my plans for the weekend. My friends want to
     welcome me back home properly...by hammering me with liquor. I don't
     think I'll be in any condition to proofread. xD
See the end of the chapter for more notes
They were in bed, Taehyung sitting with his back against the wall and
Jungkook’s head in his lap. They were laughing uncontrollably as they played
one of their own private games. The television blared in the background, the
reality show they were watching long forgotten.
“You’re a chess piece….”
“Then I’m Jungrook.”
“You’re a quiet corner to snuggle up and read in…..”
“Then I’m Jungnook.”
Taehyung giggled. “You work on a farm with animals….”
“Then I’m Dungkook.”
“You’re the best boxer in the world…”
“Then I’m Junghook.” He fake punched the air and Taehyung giggled again.
“You’re a sexy porn star…..”
“Then I’m Hungkook.”
“Lies!” Taehyung cried, incredulously.
Jungkook scoffed, jokingly looking around the room. “Where? Where is the lie?”
Taehyung fell over laughing into his hair. “Whatever…you’re a wide receiver
about to be tackled…”
“Then I’m Jungjuke.”
“A spider’s crawling on your phone…”
“Then it’s Slungkook.” He smiled, eyes turning into slits and almost
indistinguishable dimples gracing his bunny cheeks.
Taehyung was unprepared for the rush of affection at the younger's expression;
it rendered him helpless every time. It was becoming harder and harder to
resist the irresistible. First of all, Jungkook was beautiful. Taehyung wanted
to write epic poems about that smile. He wanted to record the younger’s
laughter and play it on a loop for the rest of his life. He wanted to sacrifice
virgins, cute animals, and little babies to the temple that was Jungkook’s
body. Well, not really…but it definitely deserve to be worshipped.
The worst was that he was so much more than a pretty face and a banging body;
he was sweet, affectionate, kindhearted, and loving. He worshipped the ground
Taehyung walked on and was utterly devoted to making him happy, even at his own
expense.
Moments like this had him forgetting why he was still holding himself back.
Moments like this made him regret his promise to wait. He was weak and the
temptation was too great. He was waiting for someone who wasn’t coming so why
was he fighting this? It was no surprise to him when he let slip, “You stole
your way into my heart….” Taehyung gently corded his fingers though Jungkook’s
hair, voice full of emotion and affection. He began to trace patterns along the
younger’s jawline and down his neck. He felt as the younger tensed. He zeroed
in on the younger’s face, trying to memorize every exhalation, every nervous
swallow, and every expression. He wanted to remember it all in case one day
Jungkook decided he didn’t want to stay by his side anymore.
“Then I’m Jungcrook.” He said hoarsely.
“I can’t catch my breath when I’m with you….” Taehyung said seriously.
“Th-then...I’m…I’m L-Lungkook.”
The tension was stifling. The game died quickly as a more serious vibe filled
the hormone-fueled air. “Kookie?”
“Hmmmm……” He was lost in the rapture of Taehyung’s touch.
“You are without a doubt the most patient person I have ever seen. Aren’t you
tired yet?”
“Tired of what?”
Taehyung stopped his ministrations. “You know what. Of waiting for me to figure
this shit out.”
He sat up fast, spinning to face Taehyung on the bed. “No, I’ll never get
tired. Not when it comes to loving you.”
“But I keep going back and forth. I’m feeling all of these feelings, but I’m
still not ready. I don’t want you to think that I’m toying with you.”
“I don’t think that. I know that you’re taking your time and figuring out how
you feel. That’s fine with me. I know that you love me.”
“And I do…it’s just…I feel like it’s not enough? Like I can only give you a
piece of me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give you all of me.”
“I believe you will. Don’t force it, just let it happen. As long as you’re
honest with me and not trying to move at my pace, it will all work out.
We’ve gotten this far by taking things slow and communicating haven’t we? I’m
not in a hurry, Tae. We have our whole lives to love each other.”
Taehyung rolled his eyes. “If only that were true. I just don’t want you
waiting around for me forever to be ready.”
Jungkook rolled his eyes, smirking. “Aren’t you tired?”
“Me? Tired of what?”
“Of fighting your feelings for me. I don’t know why you fight so hard to not be
happy. It has to be hard to keep denying yourself the things you want. The
people you want….” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully. “By people, I mean me.”
Taehyung didn’t respond, changing the subject instead. “Didn’t some guy ask you
out a few days ago?”
Eyebrow raised in skepticism, he slowly responded, “Yeah…why?”
“I think you should go out with him.”
Jungkook yelled, “Sugar Packet Stealer guy? Why in the hell would I go out with
him?”
“Just…you never know. You might like him if you give him a chance.”
“But what about us?”
“There is no us, not yet. You could still date if you wanted to. I think you
should…why not start with him? He was very interested from what I saw.”
“I’m in love with you, idiot, and I don’t care how many dates you try to force
on me, that’ll never change. No. I’m not going out with someone else, Kim
Taehyung.”
“Please? For me? Just so I can have peace of mind…just so I can know that I’m
not holding you back from being happy with somebody who can love you back the
way you deserve. You deserve so much more than I can give you right now,
Jungkook. I’m starting to feel selfish again.”
“This word again? Aish, Tae. You are selfish, but not for the reason you think.
It’s selfish to ask me to cast aside my feelings just so you’ll feel better.
Especially since you told me to give pursuing you my all. I’ve worked so hard
to get us here and you want me to throw that away? Do you remember how hard it
was just to get you to realize you love me? ”
“Kookie…”
Jungkook gave an adamant, “Hell no, Tae.” He watched Taehyung’s face fall.
“Look, I know we have a one-sided relationship, but it’s still a relationship
and I treasure it. I would feel like I’m betraying you if I went out with
somebody else. I would be a cheater.”
“How can you cheat when we’re not even together?”
“We’re not together but the whole time Sugar Packed Stealer guy talked to me
you were staring daggers into his back. Whether you want to admit it or not,
you don’t really want me to date other people. No, you want me all to
yourself.” Taehyung looked away. “You want me but something’s holding you
back.”
“This isn’t about me, it’s about you. I do love you, Kookie. I love you so much
that I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy…with you.”
“I…I just think if you tried—“
“No! And that’s that. You know I would do anything for you, Tae, anything in my
power. I can’t do this. I only want to be with you. I only love you.”
Taehyung pouted. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’ve never been surer.”
The redhead resigned. “Okay.”
“Just promise me one thing….”
“Anything.”
“One day you’ll tell me what made you wait so long. I’ve been trying to piece
together an idea, trying to get some semblance of understanding of why you are
the way you are. Of why you would deny yourself the chance to be loved.”
“If you want I can tell you a part of it now.”
“Please.”
“Okay.” Taehyung took a deep breath. “So…my grandfather…” Jungkook grabbed the
elder’s hand, rubbing it gently. “…he didn’t like me involved with other
people. He discouraged friendships and forbade romantic relationships. He
deleted all of my email accounts and changed my surname so people I knew in
Korea wouldn’t find me. I wasn’t allowed to use the phone, so I couldn’t keep
in touch with any of my friends back home.”
Jungkook gently brushed his hyung’s cheek before letting his hand settle there.
“He was a cruel bastard.”
Taehyung, leaning into the touch, nodded. “Yes, he was. I broke his rules a few
times when I was still in high school, not intentionally of course, people just
seemed to gravitate towards me. They would call or try to come to the estate.
You know how he was…he…uh, punished me. So, I pushed people away and became a
loner. I didn’t talk to people if it didn’t involve school or unless they were
family or staff. It became really hard to allow people to get close to me
because I was too afraid of the consequences. And not just me, Grandfather
threatened to hurt people who got too close."
Jungkook peppered his face with kisses. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry you had to go
through that.”
“It wasn’t that bad, not really. Eventually I got to move out on my own when I
started college. The first thing I did was get a phone. I dialed old numbers
that I had known…most of them were no longer in service. My grandfather got a
hold of the bill somehow…I was punished again. So I gave up on all
relationships--family, friendship, and romance. Of course Joonie and Jinnie
refused to back off, and I couldn't bring myself to cut them out of my life
completely. But they are my family and I already loved them. It wasn't until I
met you that I cared about anyone other than those two. Until you, I just
existed. Love…it was just something I hadn’t experienced since I left Korea so
I didn’t seek it. Other than the hidden relationship with my cousins,
Grandfather made sure that love was a foreign concept for me.”
“But your grandfather is out of your life now and you still refuse to give in
to your feelings for me. You won’t let me love you the way I want to and I
don’t understand why.” He grasped Taehyung’s hands in his own again. “He can’t
touch us.”
“I know.” Taehyung sighed deeply and mournfully. “He is only a part of why I am
the way I am. The biggest reason I’m holding myself back, I can’t share it with
you yet. It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything, it’s just…it’s something
I cherish. A good thing. Helped me survive those years with grandfather, got me
through the loneliness, gave me the strength to rush in and help you when you
needed me. My heart, my love, my life…it’s not mine to give yet. Even though it
seems like I’ve been waiting forever…” He pulled his hands from Jungkook’s and
his eyes focused on something unseen. A brilliant smile lit up his face. “I
can’t give up. Not yet.”
Jungkook shook his head, utterly confused. “You’re not making any sense, Tae.
What is this thing and why does it have any importance in how we feel about
each other? I don’t understand.”
The smile faded as suddenly as it had appeared. “You will one day when I tell
you. It’s stupid really, it’s been such a long time…but I won’t let go. I just
hope you don’t hate me when I tell you.”
“I could never hate you.”
“You’ll really know how awful I’ve been this whole time and you may see me
differently. But, I’m not ready to tell you. One day, just not today.” Taehyung
stared down at the bed guiltily, fiddling with the duvet cover and lost in
thought.
“Okay.” Jungkook regretted asking at all. Things had been going so well before;
he should have just left it alone. He should have left Tae’s past in the past.
Now the mood was ruined; he needed to get things back to the lighthearted
happiness they’d enjoyed earlier. He didn’t want Tae suffering or feeling
guilty for some insignificant reason. The only thing that mattered to him was
that he loved Tae and Tae loved him right back. Anything else was irrelevant.
He tapped Taehyung lightly on the knee, drawing his attention. “Yah…who are you
when you’re my boo thang?” He grinned.
Taehyung stopped terrorizing the duvet, a thoughtful look on his face. “I-
I’m…BAEhyung?”
Jungkook chuckled. “Bingo…but what if you’re fiercer than Queen Bey?”
A slow smile slid onto Taehyung’s face. “Then I’m Slayhyung.”
“If Zion T’s voice gets you hard…”
He giggled softly, “Then I’m Gayhyung.”
“I stepped on your brand new J’s…”
Shooting a dark look at the younger, Tae warned, “You better Prayhyung.”
Jungkook crowed, face turning red and eyes shining. Tae smiled at him. “If you
lose your shit like Kanye?”
“Then I’m Crayhyung.” They both guffawed, feeling their moods lifting.
“If you rep AOMG…”
“Then I’m Grayhyung.”
Though they were laughing together Jungkook could still see pain in Taehyung’s
eyes. Sure, he was laughing and enjoying their game, but he knew Tae was still
musing over their conversation. He knew it without a doubt. He had to do
something to get his hyung to let it go. To take his mind off of it all. “I owe
you a million bajillion kisses….” he offered slyly.
“It’s time to Payhyung!”
So Jungkook paid him. He grabbed Taehyung by the neck and pulled him in,
crashing their lips together fiercely. He had thought that his hyung would
laugh at the joke…he also thought that he was only going to give him a quick
peck. Boy was he wrong.
He had intended it for it to be a short funny moment but once he had tasted the
sweetness of Taehyung’s lips he couldn’t pull himself back. At first Taehyung
bucked in shock after the kiss lasted far longer than any of their previous
smooches, trying to push Kookie away. Jungkook locked onto him like a vice grip
instead, lips refusing to stop moving. He wildly kissed his hyung, pulse and
mind racing. After giving up his struggle, Taehyung sat frozen and unresponsive
and just let it all happen.
Jungkook felt the tears building up. He knew it was a gamble to try and jolt
Taehyung out of his funk by doing this. But he would do anything if it meant
seeing Tae happily smiling by his side. So what if he hurt a bit when Tae
pushed him away or froze up? He had meant it to be funny anyway. No biggie. The
problem was that it wasn’t supposed to last this long. It should have ended by
now. He tried to regain control of himself, loosening his hold and letting the
kiss lessen in intensity, casting away the urgency and roughness. He wanted to
stop…he just couldn’t. Not when he could embrace this unexpected opportunity to
show Taehyung his true feelings.
Tears leaked onto his cheeks, but he didn’t care. Instead of passion, he tried
to convey his honesty…his loyalty…his trust…his empathy…his love. The kiss was
slow, relaxed, and calculated. His heart pounded furiously, threatening to
burst from his chest and detonate. Again, he didn’t care. He only wanted
Taehyung to feel his earnestness and if it costed him his life, he would show
it.
He almost sobbed when he felt Taehyung kissing him back, and passionately at
that. Then tentative arms wrapped around his neck, pulling his body in closer
until they were both lying on the bed. Before he knew what was happening he was
grinding against Taehyung, pressing him into the mattress as hands tangled in
his hair. He couldn’t get enough, deliciously drunk from the taste of his
hyung’s lips; his skin was just as sweet. His mind was swimming; he couldn’t
even remember why he had initiated this but he was oh so glad he did.
He pressed a knee down close to Tae’s crotch and the elder took full advantage
to grind against it. Jungkook was drowning in ecstasy, taking his time sucking,
biting, marking every part of Taehyung his lips could reach…he even sucked on
his cheek and left a hickey there. He could feel Tae’s moans vibrating through
his own chest. His eyes rolled back in his head as he welcomed the familiar
warmth and weight building in the pit of his groin. He rutted even more
aggressively against Taehyung, the elder reciprocated. They were kissing and
touching and biting and sucking and grinding and it was all too much…the
pressure was too great, the friction too delightful.
Jungkook pressed his luck even further, slipping his hands inside Taehyung’s
joggers. He was pleasantly surprised to find no underwear barring his
ministrations. He gripped the elder’s engorged, leaking erection firmly.
Taehyung whimpered and Jungkook stopped immediately. His eyes went wild with
fear; he was afraid he had pushed too far too fast. Before he could mentally
berate himself, he looked down at the boy pinned beneath him.
Taehyung looked up at him completely blissed out, eyes glazed and lips plump.
Jungkook took a mental picture so that he would never forget that look. He gave
an experimental tug on Taehyung’s cock and watched his eyes roll back and his
lashes flutter shut as he whimpered again. Relief that Taehyung was okay was
satisfying but short lived as lust quickly chased it away. He kissed Taehyung
again, this time pumping his hand slowly and gently.
A deep rumble escaped Taehyung’s throat as his fingernails dug into muscular
arms. He rocked in time with Jungkook’s pumps, thrusting into his warm, albeit
dry, palm. “Jung-Jungkook” he panted into the younger’s busy mouth.
“Tae…” he breathed back. Reluctantly, he pulled himself away from Taehyung’s
mouth and slid himself down the length of his hyung’s long, lean body. He
tugged down the jogger’s just enough to let the elder’s impeccable member
spring free. “So pretty,” he murmured into its skin. He lightly kissed the tip
before planting soft pecks along the entire length.
He encircled the swollen tip with his tongue, nimbly massaging it before giving
it a tender suck. Precum leaked onto his tongue, completely overwhelming his
taste buds. A stray thought of bottling the elder’s essence fluttered from his
mind as he heard Taehyung moan his name again and the sound traveled straight
to his own painful erection. The sumptuous moans of pleasure provoked Jungkook
to devour Taehyung whole.
Taehyung arched his entire body up off of the bed as Jungkook gobbled his cock.
His hands gripped the younger’s hair tightly before his nails lightly scraped
against the scalp. Jungkook was intoxicated on passion, swallowing as much
precum as possible. He didn’t want a single sweet drop to escape his lips. He
whined when he felt his hyung tugging at his ears, a signal for him to move
back up. Begrudgingly, he released Taehyung’s cock with a resounding pop, and
moved up to capture Taehyung’s lips again.
He craved skin on skin, so he took a few precious seconds away from his hyung’s
skilled mouth to slip his pants down and kick them to the floor. The moment
their middles touched Jungkook was overwhelmed by violent, pleasurable
shudders. His mind turned to mush as he stroked his rigid, leaking dick against
Taehyung’s. Jungkook’s saliva and both of their precum allowed a blissful glide
while still maintaining friction. They brutally railed against each other,
mouths fused together and tongues battling ferociously.
Jungkook’s climax exploded from him accompanied by a needy cry of Taehyung’s
name. Taehyung quickly followed, a sweet passionate whisper of ‘Kookie’ into
the side of the younger’s neck. The grinded their way through the aftershocks,
riding the waves of pleasure all the way back down until they were panting
messes laying splayed on top of each other with their limbs tangled. Jungkook
had found a new way to float, Tae coming along for the ride this time.
Both boys were sticky from their releases and dripping with sweat. After a few
seconds of heavy, awkward, silence their eyes met….and they burst into
laughter. “I’m so sorry, Tae. I swear that’s not what I intended. Forgive me?”
“Forgiven.”
Jungkook began to panic at his hyung’s flat response. He was so worried that he
had gone too far and finally pushed Taehyung away for good. “I just wanted to
make you smile and I lost control. I took advantage of the situation and none
of it was your fault. I promise I won’t do it again.”
“But if…if I want you to…to do that again…would you?” he looked at Jungkook
with wide, adoring eyes. “I mean, I’d understand if you didn’t want to…it would
only make things more confusing between us—“
Jungkook couldn’t help the grin that broke out on his face and didn’t hesitate
to answer. “Fuck yes.”
Taehyung grinned up at him and his pulse sprinted. “Okay. Okay…good then. And
Kookie….” He reached up to brush the wet fringe out of Jungkook’s eyes.
“Hmmm….” Jungkook melted into his touch, eyes closed.
“About what I said earlier…I really don’t want you to go on dates with other
men.”
“I never wanted to in the first place, so, no worries.”
“And kiss me like that whenever you want. Whenever you feel like it.”
“We wouldn’t be able to eat, sleep, or breathe if I did that.”
“I know I test your patience, but please don’t give up on me.”
“Didn’t plan to.”
“Stay…don’t leave me.”
Jungkook held up his wrists as if they were cuffed. “Again, didn’t plan to.” He
smiled down at Taehyung, who was blushing furiously. “It’s nice to hear you say
what you want from me…that you want me at all. I really like it, Taehyung.”
“Well…after something like that…it’s kind of hard to keep your guard up.”
“Ah….you were Jungshook?” They looked at each other and burst into laughter
again. Taehyung playfully slapped him on the arm before kissing him right on
the lips again. Jungkook felt it all the way in his toes.
“You’ll see one day how utterly selfish I’m being.”
“How could it be selfish if it benefits me the most? From here on out that word
is banned.”
“Banning the word won’t keep me from thinking it. Anyway, we should get cleaned
up, yeah? I feel sticky and gross.”
“Ok, you can go first.”
“Would you…could we maybe…go together?”
“…………” Jungkook was at a loss for words. This was all too good to be true. He
hadn’t planned on things progressing this fast, but damn it he was going to
take advantage.
Taehyung misunderstood his silence again and rushed to explain. “Just…we both
need to clean up. As long as you don’t mind keeping the lights off or me
showering with my shirt on…I know it’s weird, but—“
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Tae, do what makes you comfortable.”
“Okay, then. Besides, I might need help with washing my hair.” He smirked
devilishly. “Would you help me wash my hair, Jungkookie?”
Jungkook stood up and grabbed Taehyung by the arm, throwing him over one muscly
shoulder. “I’ll give you the best damn hair washing you ever had.” He tickled
Taehyung as he ran to the bathroom, the elder dissolving into giggles and
beating his back lightheartedly.
“If you drop me damn it!” Taehyung warned, shaking from laughter.
“Then I’ll be Jungwhoops.”
Taehyung giggled. “It doesn’t even rhyme. You lose, Jungkookie.”
“Trust me, Tae, I’ve won.”
Chapter End Notes
     Buh-bye, past Taekook...I'll miss you! But it's time to get back to
     the present.
     So what did you guys think about this chapter? Taekook is so playful
     and cute; their love for each other is so genuine and strong. I love
     them as a couple. Tae has one hell of a decision to make between two
     great guys. Actually, I have one hell of a decision to make. I'm
     going to die, but it's pretty much turning out how I wanted it to be.
     The question is, why would anybody want this? It's going to suck
     choosing only one.
     P.S. Um...second attempt at light smut, definitely not as bad or
     cringey as Chapter 10 I would say. But it still needs work. I'll try
     harder next time, I promise I'll get better. Practice makes perfect.
     :)
***** Nightmares and Dreamscapes *****
Chapter Summary
     A glimpse into Taehyung's sad and scary subconscious. We're back in
     the present and Taehyung is dreaming after confronting Yoongi and
     fainting; Jungkook is watching over him as he sleeps. This is tied
     directly to Chapter 13. I hope you enjoy it.
     WARNING: Mild gore and torture. I'm sorry Tae-Tae.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
I burst through the front entrance of my house and sped to the staircase. If I
could just get there in time to stop it, I could make everything okay again. I
could save her. My lungs threatened to explode and a roaring fire spread from
calves to my thighs and feet. But I couldn’t stop running…not if I had a chance
to stop him this time. I pushed myself to run faster, harder.
I skidded to a stop at the bottom of the staircase. I looked up to see my
father embracing my mother at the top, arms wrapped securely around her slim
waist. He nuzzled into her neck and whispered something in her ear that made
her eyes light up as a loud guffaw burst forth. He laughed into her curtain of
lustrous, chestnut hair, lightly rocking them side to side. It was such a
tender moment that I forgot why I was there.
“Appa, Eomma,” I greeted them with a radiant smile bigger than my face could
hold. They both grinned down at me. “I’m home.” Relief flooded me as fear and
panic fled.
“Tae-Tae,” my mother cooed. “Come up and greet me properly! Why are you not up
here and hugging me already?” she joked. My father chuckled lightly. “Why is my
son like this? I wish I had been blessed with a filial child, aish what is a
mother to do?”
I shook my head at her teasing and started up the stairs. “Maybe you should
wait for me at the door so that I can run straight into your arms next time.”
She dramatically put the back of her hand to her forehead, stepping out of her
husband’s hold. She turned to face him. “Did you hear what he said to me?
Honey, why is our son like this?” She turned back to me, arms outstretched and
ready to hold me. “Hurry, Tae-Tae or I’ll give your cuddles away to someone
else."
I increased my speed, wanting nothing more than to be held by my mother. But I
noticed that I had not made much progress up the stairs, so I looked down…I was
still on the first step. “Eomma? Appa?” It had only been seconds, but I looked
back up to see my parents arguing. I couldn’t hear what they were saying; it
was all muffled and garbled. “No…not this. Eomma!”
I started to run again but as many stairs as I climbed, I was still in the same
place. I fell to my knees, sobbing and pleading with my parents to stop
fighting. I cried helplessly as I watched my father viciously shove my mother
towards the stairs. I held my breath as she struggled to regain her balance,
waving her arms wildly. I prayed, I hoped, I wished that she would recover. I
knelt there frozen, not breathing as our eyes met; she fell. She didn’t scream
or grunt as she tumbled down the stairs, body twisting and bones cracking as
the speed increased.
I leapt to my feet as I wailed. “Eomma!” I ran to her, hoping against hope that
I would still be able to save her. It was too late. Her body lay midway down
the staircase, immobile and contorted. I rushed to her…how cruel was it that I
was able to reach her so fast when it was already too late?
She lied there like a broken doll, still and cold. Her lips were blue, her skin
was pale, and her body was stiff. The softness and warmth she usually exuded
had long since fled her lifeless corpse. Her neck had twisted so that her head
now faced the opposite direction. Her limbs were splayed and limp. I had
failed. She was gone…again. I buried my head in her chest and cried. I closed
my eyes and reset the scene.
I opened my eyes as his warm lips moved slowly away from mine. The usual stupor
I suffer from his kisses never came, but I wrapped my arms tightly around him
and nosed at his neck. I left a few pecks there before stepping away, but he
caught my hand. My breath hitched as I was hit by the full force of Yoongi's
handsome face. I urged him on, telling him he had too much homework. We
reluctantly let go of each other's hand and he gave me a quick goodbye kiss.
When he asked to see me that night, I promised I would leave the doors unlocked
so he could sneak in again. I stood and watched him walk away, waving and
blowing kisses every time he looked back. I sighed sadly when I could no longer
see him, and turned to make my way home.
As I walked along the long driveway leading to my house, a feeling of
trepidation invaded me. Something was wrong. Our home…something was wrong. I
could feel it. I took off, sprinting up the driveway.
As my house came into view, I knew that I had been right. I remembered…I needed
to get to my mother. I needed to save her. My father…he was going to kill her
and I had to stop it. I ran.
I burst through the front entrance of my house and sped to the staircase. If I
could just get there in time to stop it, I could make everything okay again. I
could save her. My lungs threatened to explode and a roaring fire spread from
calves to my thighs and feet. But I couldn’t stop running…not if I had a chance
to stop him this time. I pushed myself to run faster, harder.
                                     *****
I knew it was a dream when I opened my eyes to see him hovering over me. We
were on our blanket under a Nashi pear tree in my old garden back in Korea. The
sky was a soft cerulean and the sun was hidden behind puffy clouds, those
assholes. The smell of trees rife with sweet fruit filled the grove; it was
familiar and comforting. I was lying on my back as Yoongi lay next to me. He
was propped up on one elbow, peering down at me intensely while running fingers
through my hair.
“It’s been a while since you’ve shown up here, hyungie.”
“You didn’t want me here.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want you here…just that it became too hard to see you
here. Waking up and not having you there next to me...I couldn’t take it
anymore.”
“The reason doesn’t matter. You tried to forget me.”
I avoided his words. “You look different. You look like the Yoongi I met
earlier, not high school Yoongi.”
“You no longer have to rely on your memories, do you?”
“How did you get even prettier?” I hesitantly reached up to touch his face,
scared that he would move away. When he sighed and leaned into my touch, I
couldn’t contain my elation. “You were already perfect in my eyes, but you’ve
somehow surpassed perfection. You are so beautiful.”
“I’ve never been the beautiful one in our relationship, Tae-Tae.”
“Say it again.”
“What? That you’re beautiful?”
“No, my nickname. I’ve never seen or heard it come from adult Yoongi.”
“Tae-Tae.”
“Hmmmm...” I felt like I was melting. “Again?”
“Tae-Tae.”
I traced the contours of his face, memorizing every cell. “Your voice is so
deep now too…say it again, please?”
“Tae-Tae.”
“My Yogi, please…could you kiss me?” He put one hand gently behind my neck,
pulling me to meet his lips. Even though I knew that this was all happening in
my head, I threw myself into the kiss enthusiastically. I wrapped my arms
around him, pulling him even closer. “I’ve been wanting to do that for years.”
His eyes squinted in confusion. “What are you playing at, Taehyung? Up until
recently we’ve met here every night. Until you met that child and he forced you
to forget me.”
“All I wanted was a romantic moment with you, Yogi-hyung, but you refuse to let
me pretend even here. Can’t we just be together now? Indulge me just this
once.” Taehyung sighed in frustration. “Besides, he didn’t force me. I was
just…waiting hurt too much.”
He rolled his eyes. “Why am I here again, Taehyung? Aren’t you moving on with
Jungkook?”
“I saw you. I saw you for real and now all I want is to see you again. I could
look at you forever.”
“But you ran away from me. You even hit me.”
“I’m sorry, I was in shock. And I was angry because I thought you forgot about
me.”
“Maybe you didn’t want to face me because then you would have to own up to what
you did.”
“What did I do?” He pointed to a nearby tree where Jungkook sat on another
blanket, face upturned to the sky and smiling happily. “Oh…”
“I’m starting to believe you get off on my pain.” He broke away from my embrace
and sat up.
I sat up too, launching myself at Yoongi; he caught me in his arms. “Why would
you think that? Why would you say that?” I asked, incredulously. “I would never
hurt you, never. I love you!” I held on to him desperately. “Don’t ever doubt
that, okay? I don’t love anyone the way I love you, as much as I love you.”
“You don’t love me enough, not if you’re with him. If he’s who you want, fine.
I won’t stand in your way.” He pushed me away.
“I want you. I’ve always wanted you and I will always want you.”
“But you want him too and I won’t share you.”
“I would never ask you to, Yogi-hyung. But I’m all he has…he needs me.”
“You need to decide. I’m yours for the taking, Kim Taehyung. I’ll always be
just yours. But you haven’t been mine for a while now. You need to figure out
what you want so that we’ll finally be able to move on from each other…to stop
hurting each other. We all deserve to be happy, don’t we?”
“We do. Can I…go talk to him?”
Yoongi shrugged. “It’s your dream.”
I blinked and I was suddenly on Jungkook’s blanket, sitting on his lap facing
him. “Kookie.”
“Tae.” His eyes lit up and his smile was like sunshine, warm and bright. He
leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the lips.
“How do I decide, Kookie? What should I do?”
“That’s something you need to figure out on your own.”
I looked over at Yoongi. He had turned his back to us. “I love you both so
much. I don’t know what to do.”
“You should start by waking up.”
“No,” I pouted. “I want to stay here. I get to be with you and Yoongi here.”
“But you know what will happen. You know he will come again…”
I grimaced at the thought, failing to contain a shudder. “It’s worth it to see
Yoongi again, to kiss him again. If I wake up I still have you, but Yoongi...he
doesn’t want me out there.”
He kissed me affectionately on the cheek. “Don’t be silly, hyung. How can he
not want you?” Suddenly, his whole demeanor changed as he glared at something
behind me. I could feel the tension. The sky turned black and a fierce wind
started howling. “He’s coming.”
I refused to cry, but clung to Jungkook and buried my face into his shoulder.
Immediately I felt a second set of arms wrap around me, squeezing me tightly
from behind…lovingly. “I wish I could protect you Tae-Tae.” Yoongi kissed the
back of my neck repeatedly, murmuring sweet words into my skin, while Jungkook
kissed away a few tears that had escaped against my will.
I allowed my head to fall back onto Yoongi’s shoulder; I felt him nosing my
earlobe. “I can’t let him come here. I have to keep you both safe no matter
what. I won’t let him touch you, so I’m leaving first.”
Jungkook tried to help me stand, but Yoongi wouldn’t let me go. “Don’t go.
Don’t leave me again,” he cried into my neck, hugging me into his chest. I
could tell he was crying. “Just stay here and let me protect you. I hate it
when you leave. He’ll hurt you again.”
“You shouldn’t worry, hyung. I’ll always come back to you. Always. That hasn’t
changed and it never will.”
“Then let’s go together! Please…I’ll face it all with you, by your side. As
long as we’re together, we can survive anything Taehyung. Please!” he begged,
eyes leaking and face ruddy.
I somehow freed myself from his hold and stood. “Kookie stay here and don’t let
him follow me.” Jungkook nodded, taking a thrashing Yoongi into his arms. His
eyebrows were furrowed and I could tell he wanted to say something. I brushed
his cheek lightly as he locked Yoongi in his embrace; he blushed beet red.
“I’ll come back to you, too. Don't worry so much, love.” Then I turned to go
meet the man waiting just beyond the safety of the grove.
He stood there, menacing as ever, wearing his stuffy black suit. He was taller
here, more intimidating here. Stronger. With every step I took forward, I felt
the warmth and safety of the grove leaving me. I heard Yoongi crying out my
name as he sobbed, but I refused to look back. I finally reached the dark man,
malevolent and authoritative.
“Hello, Grandfather.” The grove was gone; we were in his mansion now. The room
was dark, except for the massive lit fireplace. “Why are you here?”
“You brought me here, as always.”
“I didn’t…leave now.”
“You dare to give me orders, filth?”
“I do. You aren’t real.”
“Strip.”
“No. You can’t talk to me. Kookie…”
“Insolent brat!” He slapped me hard, my lip bled instantly. “Close your mouth
and do as you’re told. Strip!”
“No!”
“Good, boy. My beautiful…my most loved…my only grandson.”
“What?!? I said no. I kept my clothes on, see?” I looked down and saw that I
was completely nude. I hurriedly covered myself with my hands.
“What…what is this?”
“Now get onto the table so I can strap you down.”
“No. I don’t want to…I’m leaving this place.” I moved my legs to walk, but was
already laying on the table. “What…no. But I was standing, wasn’t I? I didn’t
want to…I didn’t lie down.”
“Good. So precious, so good for me.”
“I don’t want this.” I tried to sit up, but my legs and arms were already
strapped tightly. “Stop this…let me go!” I tried to loosen the straps by
jiggling my hands and feet…it didn’t help.
“We’ll try something different this time.”
“Yes, Grandfather….no. I meant to say no! This isn’t happening. I haven’t seen
or heard from you in months. You wouldn’t dare talk to me in real life; Kookie
made sure of that. I’m dreaming. You’re not real, Grandfather!”
“What is this Kookie you keep mentioning? Another imaginary friend? And you say
I’m not real? Ha…we’ll see how real I am.” He held up an extremely sharp
scalpel, making sure I saw it. He placed it back on the table. Then he held up
some operating scissors. A needle and thread. He walked over to a dark corner
of the room, bringing back with him a big, battered cardboard box. Something
was moving in there. “I’ll show you.”
“Kookie…imaginary?” I began to cry as I tried to wiggle out of my restraints. I
closed my eyes tightly and began to chant. “This isn’t real, it’s not
happening. I can just will myself back to the grove. Back to my Yogi. Back to
Kookie, wait…Kookie? Back to Yoongi-hyung…AARRRRHHHHHHH!” The pain….I felt the
burn as the scalpel sank into my belly, right underneath my sternum. He dragged
it all the way down to my belly button. I watched as the blood oozed lazily
down my sides to eventually pool on the table. This wasn’t real, was it? But
the pain…the pain was real. Was this a dream still?
He set down the scalpel and started to pull the skin back…making the hole wider
with his hands. I choked on a scream. “You bleed so prettily, precious,” his
grandfather cooed. He picked up the operating scissors. “Let’s see if your
insides are as tantalizing as your outside, yeah?” He started cutting.
I clenched my fists and my whole body tensed as he began to cut away inside of
me. I couldn’t hold back the blood-curdling screams exploding from my mouth as
I thrashed my head back and forth. It felt real. It all felt real. This was
real. “Please, grandfather! I’ll be good! I swear—“
He set down the scissors. “The time for bargaining has long since passed, boy.
You disappointing, evil child.” He stuck a hand inside, I could feel him moving
things around inside. “You were disobedient. You have to pay the price.” He
removed an organ I didn’t recognize, holding it up so that I could see before
tossing it on the floor. I vomited, turning my head so that I couldn’t choke on
it. “Filthy,” was all grandfather muttered as he removed more organs. “Let’s
make sure that doesn’t happen again.” I felt him cut out my stomach. I watched
as he held it over the hole he had made in me, and then punctured it with the
scissors. I watched steam rise, writhing and shrieking in agony as my insides
cooked into sludge from the acid.
My body trembled violently. “Grandfather, please,” I pleaded tearfully, “I’m
sorry. I will behave.”
“I can’t be sure of that. We are not yet done here.” He lifted the box onto the
table and cut open the top with scissors. “You know our deal, you will pay with
your pain.”
“Grandfather, please no. What did I do? What did I do wrong to deserve this?” I
cried.
“Ah, Taehyungie, my love…you were born.” And then he poured the contents of the
box into the hole.
My whole body spasmed as the rats turned what was left of me into a buffet.
Even worse than the disgusting squelching noises coming from within me as the
rodents traversed my anatomy and the torrents of blood now waterfalling onto
the floor was the pain. It was excruciating…unbearable. Finally I went numb. I
could feel my body shutting down. I closed my eyes, there was no need to fight
anymore. I felt the sewing needle pierce me, but it didn’t even hurt anymore. I
knew he was going to sew them inside and let them eat their way out. I was
done. I was dying. I could feel my consciousness slipping…. “Yoongi, I lov…” I
was gone.
I opened my eyes. I was standing in front of the fireplace again facing my
grandfather.
“Have a seat at the table.”
I was shaking with fear now. I don’t know what had gotten into me…why I thought
I had escaped this place. I needed to be good. “Yes, Grandfather.” I walked
over and pulled out a chair, taking a seat. I didn’t know what had come over me
before. Of course this was real.
“Good…such a filial child. So precious. Since you’re being good I’ll be
lenient. I spoil you, you know that right?”
“Yes…yes, Grandfather.”
“Put your left hand on the table, palm up.”
My hand moved automatically. I didn’t resist as he strapped my hand down. I
sifted through my memories quickly, trying to pick the happiest one to get me
through this. Of course, the night Yoongi and I made love popped up. It was my
most valued, most loved memory. I clung to it madly, picturing not the actual
sexual acts themselves but the moments after them all. Yoongi getting a warm,
soft towel and cleaning us both after we had fucked in every possible position.
Yoongi kissing me head to toe, even my fingertips, toes, and elbows, saying
that his lips needed to memorize every inch of me. Yoongi counting my
eyelashes. Yoongi mapping every mole on my body. Yoongi with his nose buried in
my hair, inhaling deeply. Yoongi letting me be the big spoon for once, letting
me squeeze him so tightly I thought we would meld into one being.
“Yoongi…Yoongi…Yoongi….” I mouthed silently.
I didn’t even feel when Grandfather made the first incision in my index finger,
sticking the scalpel in the soft underside of the middle joint. He made a long
skinny cut that stretched the entire length of my finger. I zoned out, consumed
by memories of Yoongi. Yoongi saying that once we finished college we could get
married. Me crying and saying that we didn’t have to wait until then, that I
would marry him now if I could. Yoongi smiling in triumph and kissing me until
my lips went numb. Yoongi talking about the boy and girl we would adopt and
raise together. Yoongi…Yoongi…Yoongi… I didn’t even squirm when he carefully
started peeling the flesh away, making sure it stayed intact. When he was done
all that remained was a bloody bone.
“Yes…by removing the flesh, I can remove the wickedness. Isn’t that right,
Taehyung?”
Yoongi flicking my nose, then kissing the mole there…begging me to never forget
him. “Yes, Grandfather.”
“So good, such a good child. But your flesh is too wicked, one finger is not
enough. I’ll do the other three on this hand. You can keep the thumb.”
“Thank you, Grandfather.” Yoongi telling me he would never fall asleep so that
the night would last forever. Yoongi watching the sunrise saying that it
couldn’t compare to my smile. Yoongi weeping in a naked, huddled mess on the
floor as I got dressed. Yoongi grabbing onto my leg like a child, begging me to
stay as he sobbed. Yoongi breaking my heart because it was the first time I’d
ever seen him weak.
“I don’t know why I spoil you.”
If I get to see Yoongi again just once more it’s all worth it. If I can keep my
promise I’ll be with him again. If I’m good I’ll be with Yoongi again. “You’re
too magnanimous, Grandfather.” Kissing Yoongi goodbye for the last time, my
heart breaking as I watched him go catatonic. He loved me that much. For
Yoongi, I would bear it all. We would be together again. For Yoongi….
Yoongi….Yoongi….Yoongi….Yoongi….Yoongi—I didn’t feel the next incisions either.
When he was done there were four intact, yet boneless fingers sitting on the
table. The old man held one up, inspecting it carefully. “So pretty for me,
Taehyung. Such a good boy.” He patted my head and I smiled morbidly up at him.
“Yoongi…Yoongi…Yoongi…” I chanted under my breath, clinging to memories of my
love.
Chapter End Notes
     So this chapter was wild, especially after last chapter (I lost a
     bookmark...it may have been my lame attempt at smut *sob*). I know
     things seem bleak right now, but I promise lots of happy moments
     coming soon. I think this chapter shows Taehyung's feelings best
     because he can be honest with himself...does it seem like he loves
     one guy more than the other? If so, who?
     Things to discuss:
     Taehyung's dreams are basically him blaming and torturing himself for
     things he had no control over (i.e. Soyoung's death, loving Jungkook,
     abuse from his grandfather).
     How sad is it that Taehyung has to keep reliving his mother's death?
     He feels guilty that he wasn't there when she died, so he keeps
     trying to save her in his dreams but fails every time. The details of
     each dream differs, but the end result is always the same. :(
     Taehyung obviously feels guilty about his relationship with Jungkook.
     Yoongi and Jungkook's dialogue are actually Tae's own feelings about
     his actions. It's just like how he talks to himself using the cat
     plushie.
     Lastly, I don't know if anyone remembers way back in Chapter 13 when
     Taehyung was muttering something in his sleep as Jungkook tried to
     comfort him...turns out it was Yoongi's name that he was repeating to
     get through the pain. Interesting, hehehehe.
     Is anyone else out there a lucid dreamer? I have been one since I was
     little. I was able to wake myself up or make changes when things got
     too intense. Not all the time, but an awful lot. Sometimes, I would
     dream the same dream on a loop and make changes to get a better
     outcome. It's pretty cool.
     Next chapter goes up tomorrow night. :)
***** Tabula Rasa *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung finally wakes up.
      
     P.S. Tabula Rasa = Blank Slate.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
I jerked awake with a scream locked in my throat, breathing heavily and
drenched in sweat. Though I was near hyperventilation, as soon as I opened my
eyes all recollection of the dreams I had vanished. I was in a panic, but as
usual, I had no idea why.
I hated the feeling of not knowing, of not being able to control what happened
inside my own head. Namjoon had said it was some kind of mental defense
mechanism; anything traumatic and my brain shut down to protect me. Shut off.
It’s why I couldn’t remember what happened the day my mother died, nor the days
leading up to and of her burial. It’s why I couldn’t remember most of the
things grandfather did to me.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to slow my overworked heart. I stretched my
arms high above my head continued to take in large breaths through my nose and
releasing them slowly through my mouth. It wasn’t until I was calm that I
noticed I was in bed alone.
I felt the empty space next to me; it was cold. Jungkook must have left a long
time ago. I extended my arms above my head again, slipping into a deep,
gratifying yawn and stretch. I looked over at the alarm clock on the
nightstand. 11:27. I moved my hand down to the hollow of my throat, intending
to kiss my Taijitu charm as I did every morning (and several times during the
day), but it was bare. I felt around my neck…it was unadorned. I started to
hyperventilate again.
“Fuck! Shit! Oh no…it can’t be. It has to be here!” I stood on my knees,
sweeping my hand underneath pillows and through the sheets. Nothing. I leapt to
my feet and stripped the bed bare, shaking everything, praying desperately that
it would fly into the air and land on the floor. Nothing.
I fell to my knees. I had never taken off my necklace, never, since Yoongi
placed it around my neck. It had to be here. I opened all the drawers, checked
the tables, tore apart the small bathroom, and crawled the entire length of the
room while feeling around. My necklace wasn’t here. Where could it be?
Jungkook.
Of course. Maybe the clasp broke after all these years and it fell off. Maybe
Kookie was out getting it repaired. I dove for my phone on the nightstand,
tapped his contact listing and the phone started ringing. After nine rings, I
threw my phone to the floor in frustration.
“Okay. I have to retrace my steps. What happened last night?” I paced the room,
trying to recall the events of the night before. “Okay, we showered and got
dressed. We went down to check out the casino. Kookie wanted to gamble, so he
posted up at a poker table. We were acting flirty and having fun. I left to go
and get a drink because the waitress never showed. Then, after getting my
drink….”
I had no idea what happened next. I remembered getting a drink, but after that
nothing. I was fairly certain I had been wearing his necklace then because I
remember biting it while I was waiting for my drink. Maybe it fell off
somewhere in the casino…maybe.
I scrambled across the bed and grabbed the room phone from Kookie’s nightstand,
calling the front desk.
“Good morning, you’ve reached the front desk. My name is Katie, how may I
assist you? ”
“Yes. I’d like to report a missing item.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but our policy explicitly states that we are not responsible
for any items left out in your room or lost while enjoying the restaurant,
club, pool, exercise room, spa, or casino areas. A safe is available in each
room, as well as a community safe monitored by security for valuable items.
There is nothing I can do to help. Have a good day, and I hope you find your
lost item.”
“But—“
Click.
I was annoyed, but I gave the girl the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we were
disconnected or maybe she genuinely thought our conversation had ended. I
reassured myself that it was all a misunderstanding and redialed the front
desk.
She didn’t even extend a greeting. “Sir, I believe I have made things quite
clear regarding our policy on lost or missing items.”
“Yes, I am well aware of the policy. But I was hoping that maybe you would
consider an exception just this once. It is something very important to me,
something I need.”
“I don’t see how this changes anything. I am sure that you aren’t the first
visitor to have lost something in our hotel. I suggest you retrace your steps
and hopefully you can find what you are looking for, but besides that there is
nothing more to be done.”
“There has to be something you can do. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but
maybe you could ask the staff if they’ve seen it.”
“I’m sorry Room 801, but looking for your lost items isn’t in my job
description. Good day to you, sir.”
Click.
Okay, that was definitely a hang up. I was getting highly frustrated with the
entire situation. I dialed the front desk yet again. As soon as the call was
connected, I started in on her. “Have you no concept of customer service,
Katie? You have a guest of your hotel begging you for help and you are being a
complete brat.”
“No, I have an irritating guest who expects me to ignore the millions of other
things I have to do right now to cater to him personally and break the rules on
his behalf. Whatever it is you’ve lost must’ve have been expensive because you
won’t leave me the hell alone. You should have put your item in the safe and I
wouldn’t have to be dealing with your diva tantrum right now.”
I took a calming breath. “How much it costs has no relevance here. It’s a
necklace that has sentimental value. It is irreplaceable and invaluable to me
and I just want your help to try and locate it. I’m not throwing a tantrum,
it’s not my style. I’m just asking for help. You are the one who is escalating
the situation.”
“Because you refuse to listen. As I’ve stated before, the policy states that
there is nothing I can do for you at this time. But since you are being such a
baby, how about this…if someone turns it in, I can contact you.”
“Maybe you can post a missing sign? Or ask guests who stop at the front desk if
they saw it, please?”
“Look, sir. I’m trying to stay professional and calm here, but you are really
working my nerves. I don’t know what else to tell you. Do you want to give me a
description of your item? Otherwise, I will have to end this call.”
“Katie…there has to be something. Can you please transfer me to your manager?
If you tell him it’s Taehyung Kim he will definitely take the call.”
“I’m hanging up sir. There are other guest who may require my services and
you’re tying up my line. I hope you find what you’re looking for, but I can
tell you from experience you probably won’t. Buh-bye.”
“You don’t have a multi-line system? I just—“
Click.
"Bitch!" Why on today of all days was this lady forcing me to name drop? I
absolutely hated using my name to get things; I never liked to flaunt my wealth
or my position. But today I was desperate; I had no choice if I had any chance
of getting that necklace back. I felt naked without it. I felt incomplete. I
stepped into my no-nonsense all-business persona, CEO Kim and dialed the front
desk again.
“Sir, you are bordering on harassment now. I am warning you that if you call
again, I will begin measures to have you removed from the building. The policy
clearly states—“
“Fuck you and your policy. My name is Taehyung Kim. CEO Taehyung Kim.”
“CEO? On the eighth floor?” She laughed. “Now you’re really pushing it, sir.”
“Oh, you laugh. Look it up. There should be a note in your computer about my
relationship to this hotel. I’ll wait.” I listened to her still giggling as she
typed. I smirked as I heard her sniggling end abruptly. “I’m guessing you’ve
realized how badly you’ve messed up, right?”
“Sir, I am truly remorseful about my prior treatment of such a valued guest.
Allow me to upgrade—“
“Do you think I need an upgrade? If I wanted to be somewhere else, I would be
there. All I want is some help in locating my necklace. It’s a thin platinum
chain with half of a Taijitu pendant—that’s a ying yang symbol in case you
didn’t know. It’s also platinum and covered in black diamonds with one tiny
white diamond set inside of a small circle. It is very important that I find
it.” I heard her typing feverishly.
“Okay, let me make sure I have the description correct sir. Thin platinum
chain, platinum charm, looks like half of a Ying Yang symbol, diamond stone set
into a circle….correct?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve been instructed by management to assist in any way you deem necessary.
You asked earlier if we could make flyers, correct sir?”
“Yes. And also to inquire when guests are checking out or being assisted at the
front desk. Inform housekeeping to leave a flyer in each room as they clean.
And inform the rest of the staff, especially wait staff to be on the lookout
for it. I am willing to offer a lofty reward to whomever returns it to me.”
“Yes, sir.”
“The person who returns my necklace should be instructed to return it to my
room, in person. Do not give out my room number unless you have verified with
your own eyes that the necklace matches my description. I don’t want people
wasting my time. I’m supposed to be on vacation with my friend. But I will be
in my room all day today.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Luckily for you, I’m not the type to hold grudges. Let’s just forget our
earlier conversation, yeah?”
I heard her exhale in relief. “Yes, sir. Thank you so much, sir.”
“No, thank you. Please take care of this issue.”
“Yes, sir. I’m printing the flyers as we speak.”
“Goodbye.”
“I promise I will find it for you. Goodbye, sir.”
I hung up feeling more at ease. In spite of how she talked to me, if she
managed to find it I would be sure to talk her up to management…maybe put in a
call and get her a promotion. I would do just about anything to get my hands on
that necklace. I sat in the midst of the sheets, blankets, and pillows
littering the floor and waited for the phone to ring on edge. I didn’t even
hear the door opening.
“Tae…babe. You’re awake.”
I sighed happily at the sight of him. "Kookie..." I pouted remembering the
cold, empty spot next to where I awoke. "...you made me wake up alone. I missed
you." I held out my arms to him.
He took in the state of the room and hurried over to me, anxiety visible on his
beautiful face. “Are you okay, baby?” He settled down in front of me and
caressed my cheek. "You had a rough night." He wrapped me in his arms and
kissed me gently.
“I’m fine…it’s just that my necklace is gone. Have you seen it?”
He shook his head. “After everything last night, you’re worried about some
trinket?”
“Everything last night? Oh…I don’t remember. The last thing I remember is the
waitress giving me a drink. Did something happen?”
“I don’t really know. I had planned on asking you about it when you woke up.
Last night while I was still at the poker table, you went off to get a drink.”
“Yeah, I remember that part.”
“But when you came back, something had happened. You didn’t tell me what it
was, but you wanted to leave the casino. You looked like you were about to fall
apart, so I told you to go ahead without me. I cashed in so I could follow you,
to make sure you were okay.”
“Was I?”
“That’s just it. I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his hair, irritated. “I
saw you on the elevator with some guy.” His teeth were clenched.
“Some guy?” I couldn’t ignore the jealousy written across his face. I instantly
reassured him. “Kookie, you know I could never be interested in anybody else
right? Romantically or sexually…nothing like that. For the last two years, it’s
only ever been you.”
“Oh…”
“Oh?” Wow, he was really jealous. “Did you actually think…me…with someone
else?” I couldn’t contain my laughter. I fell over onto the floor, rolling
around laughing. “Really, Kookie? You’re such a softie for me.”
I watched as his body instantly relaxed. “Well, it was really weird. First, I
saw you on the elevator crying while this guy was talking to you. Then I see
this same guy carrying you to his penthouse and you were unconscious.”
“What!?! You’re kidding me?”
“No. You were passed out and this guy was sporting a busted up nose. He was
carrying you bridal style to his room. So, I took you from him. The strangest
thing was…it seemed like he didn’t want to hand you over. But I guess he was a
just a worried Good Samaritan after all.”
“Hmmm…I guess I’ll have to thank him. Penthouse, huh?” Then a thought occurred
to me…I sprang to my feet. “My necklace! Maybe he has it…there’s a chance.
Which penthouse?”
“I don’t know.”
I knelt in defeat. “Shit…what about his name?”
“Oh get this…he was Korean, too. Small world, right?”
“Yeah, yeah Kookie…the name?”
“Min Yoongi.”
I felt my jaw unhinge and fall open. My mind must’ve been playing tricks on me.
“What did you say?”
“Min Yoongi. Some pip squeak with a deep voice with dark hair and shifty eyes.
There was something off about him…”
“M-M-Min….Min Yoongi? Are you sure?” I was calm….cool even, at least on the
outside. Inside I was screaming. My Min Yoongi? It wasn’t possible, right? It
couldn’t be. “He said his name was Min Yoongi?” The only reason I didn’t to
collapse to my knees was because I was already on the floor. What did this
mean?
“Trust me, I can’t forget it. I didn’t like the way he looked at you. Or how he
touched you. Or how he reacted when I told him I was your boyfriend—“
“You did WHAT?!? Jeon Jungkook! Boyfriend? Why would you even?”
“What? What’s wrong with me saying I’m your boyfriend?” he asked defensively.
“I know we haven’t discussed it in a while, but I was hoping—“
“Jungkook, it’s just…you know what. Screw it. I’m not mad.” I kissed him
lovingly on the lips. “You and I have a lot to talk about though. There are
things we both need to say to each other…it’s time I finally told you the other
part of the story.”
“What story?” He implored, looking utterly confused.
“About why I don’t do relationships. Remember, I promised to tell you.”
“And you want to do this now all of a sudden? Why?”
“Not right now. First, I have to go and find Min Yoongi. Then I’ll come back
down and talk to you. Everything will be clear then.” I stood and then helped
Jungkook to his feet. “Order us lunch. We’ll watch anime while we eat. Then
when I get back you and I can have a deep, honest conversation.” I tried not to
run, but hurried to the bathroom.
As soon as I made it inside, I locked it and let my tears go. I didn’t expect
to meet him again. The truth was I had given up on him. I had finally decided
that Jungkook was just too good of a match to turn away. We were perfect for
each other. We loved each other. And now right after I’d finally chosen to
abandon hope of ever seeing Yoongi again, he shows up.
After so many years of not hearing anything from him, I had sat for hours
planning his murder. How dare he build up the false hope of a future together
and then just ignore me. But now that I was really going to see him, I couldn’t
find it in me to be angry. I was more scared than angry.
I needed to talk to him; to hear from him directly that he had given up on me.
That it was finally okay to be happy with Jungkook. I just needed closure. It
was the least he could do for making me suffer and wait ten long years. I
started the shower, letting it get nice and steamy. “I’ll just go and hear it
from him directly.” All of a sudden, I was a bit glad I had lost the necklace.
What if he stopped wearing his years ago and I was the only one holding on to
our love? I would absolutely hate showing up to meet him like some pathetic,
love-sick child. There is no way in hell I was going to let that happen.
After finishing up in the bathroom, I joined Jungkook for lunch and anime. He
kept sneaking glances at me, and I caught every single one. I could tell he was
worried, and that was the last thing I wanted. Once I straightened everything
out with Yoongi, I would finally be able to be with Jungkook free and clear
with no guilt. I ended up abandoning the television to reassure a suspicious
Jungkook, and after a few well-placed kisses and loving touches I was off to
the front desk. I saw my flyers as soon as I stepped off of the elevator. I
witnessed a frantic staff scurrying about; they were all on edge. I walked up
to the desk and dinged the bell. A petite brunette hurried up to the desk.
“Mr. Taehyung Kim, a pleasure to meet you face-to-face, sir.” She smiled,
though it was obviously a fake one; too wide, too tense, too toothy, and didn’t
reach her eyes. She was afraid.
I gave her a genuine smile. “Katie. How is the hunt so far?”
“Nothing. Distribution of the flyers to each room is happening as we speak by
the cleaning staff. We’ve had a lot of fake calls, people hoping to claim
reward money.”
“I figured. I’m chasing a lead of my own…Yoongi Min. I heard I spent a bit of
time with him last night, but I don’t really remember it.”
“Mr. Min…yes. CEO, Penthouse level. We just had a cleaning crew leave his
room…he must have thrown one hell of a rager last night. How can I assist you?
Do you need me to call him down?”
“Actually, I was hoping to go up. Is it possible to get a keycard? Just so I
can get to the top level, I don’t need room access.”
“Certainly Mr. Kim. Anything to help.”
“Much obliged, Katie.”
Ten minutes later, I stood in front of Yoongi’s suite. I had raised my hand
three times to press the doorbell, but kept chickening out. “You can do
this…it’s just Yogi-hyung. Things are different now. It’s like pulling off a
bandage. Be quick… ”
Before I could think too much about what I was about to do, I pressed the bell
hard and held it for two seconds. Hopefully that wasn’t too long. I waited,
tapping my foot impatiently and biting my lip. I was just about to ring again
when the door opened slowly. My breath caught in my chest as my pulse began to
sprint. It was him. It was my Yogi.
He was still beautiful, though Kookie was right. He looked like he had been
punched in the nose. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot and his hair was a
bird’s nest of raven feathers. He was perfect. He was beautiful. “My Yogi?” I
beamed at him, completely forgetting to camouflage the joy I felt at seeing
him. I wanted to reach out and touch him to make sure he was real. All of a
sudden it didn’t matter that he had forgotten me, that he didn’t want me. All
the pent-up anger I held over the years dissipated the moment I saw him. I
didn’t care whether or not he still loved me or if we would never see each
other again. I was just happy to see him again, to feel his eyes on me, to be
near him. I felt whole again for the first time in ten years.
“Ah…it’s you again.” He mumbled in annoyance, crossing his arms against his
chest and leaning against the doorjamb. “What in the fuck do you want this
time, Kim Taehyung-ssi?” he asked through clenched teeth. “After last night you
should know where we stand, right? So, why do I have to see your stupid fucking
face at my door? You must really get off on torturing me right, you sick fuck?”
His poison-laced words cut me deep. My smile melted from my face as my heart
dropped and shattered into pieces on the pristine, cold, white marble floor.
Chapter End Notes
     Poor Tae, why must he suffer so much? :(
     Next update is Wednesday and Yoongi's POV. Be prepared for their
     confrontation. How do you think things will go?
***** Clarity Served Cold with a Side of Passion...Hold the Delirium *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung and Yoongi meet again.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He was still the loveliest human being I had ever laid eyes on. I couldn’t
believe he was real. I watched as his bright smile slowly disappeared and his
eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t help myself. He had the nerve to stand there
after breaking my heart last night, smiling his idiot grin at me. Of course I
lashed out. Why had I even tried to find him? Why did I hold myself back for
him? Oh yeah, that’s right. Because I’m a fucking fool. A lovesick idiot.
He looked down at his feet, oh yeah, he was definitely hurting from my sharp
words and formal speech…mission accomplished. Of course, there was no weight
behind my words; I just wanted him to feel a little bit of the hurt I was
feeling. I still planned to look out for him from a distance and run a
background check on his little boyfriend, but I couldn’t deny myself the
pleasure of seeing him suffer just a bit. Sure it was childish, but having your
heart ripped from your chest does things to a man. If I could have patted
myself on the back without looking like a complete asshole, I would have done
just that. Well done, Yoongi, well done.
“I-I…Jungkook-ah told me that we met last night…I came as soon as I heard. I
woke up with no memory of our meeting.”
What was he playing at? No memory my ass. “My time is invaluable, if you have
something to say Kim-ssi, please do so and quickly so that I can move on to
things that actually matter.” Like hopping on the next plane smoking so that I
could get far away from this heartbreaking, cheating, unfeeling bastard. A
bastard I still loved with all my heart and wanted to protect no matter what. I
would never be able to recover if he could just show up at my door like this
any time he wanted to torture me. I should have packed my shit and left last
night.
“Kim-ssi?” Taehyung said the words as if they were foreign, as if he didn’t
like the taste of them. He cleared his throat loudly before taking a deep
breath. “There’s no need now, I guess. I wanted to ask you something, but I
think I have my answer. Sorry for wasting your time. I really didn’t mean to
disturb you.” He bowed deeply. “It was….nice seeing you again after such a long
time, Yog—Min Yoongi-ssi. I’m leaving first.” He turned and started back down
the hallway towards the glass doors.
Seeing him walking away from me like that, again, triggered something in me and
I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. He was leaving me yet again. “Like you
gave him a reason to stay…Min Yoongi, you asshole,” I muttered to myself. I had
already lost his love, now I had guaranteed that we wouldn’t even have a
friendship. How would I watch over him and protect him properly if he hated me?
I studied him closely as he walked, trying to memorize everything about adult
Kim Taehyung before he walked out of my life forever this time. I noticed his
red ears and neck. I saw his hunched shoulders, his fidgeting fingers. Most
telling were his footsteps…he was shuffling. The same way he had shuffled the
day he screwed up his lines and didn’t get the lead role in the sixth grade.
The same way he had shuffled when the security guard at the zoo caught us
trying to free the elephants from the zoo because Tae believed they were
“majestic and magical beings who shouldn’t be forced into containment’. The
same way he shuffled when he found out that our favorite ice cream shop was
closing forever—it was the place of our first date…was it a date if I was seven
and he was five?
That was Taehyung’s defeated walk. His ‘I give up all hope’ walk. I didn’t know
how to feel. What exactly had he come here to ask me? If he was hopeless now
did that mean that he had been hopeful before? He had been smiling at first…his
genuine, happy, warm rectangular grin had been so bright when I first opened
the door. Oh shit…did I fuck it up again?
I ran down the hallway and grabbed him around the middle, squeezing his stiff
body tight. “Please, don’t leave me again,” I breathed into his ear. “Come
back. Let’s talk. Let’s work it out together. I’ll forget everything you said
last night, I’ll even forget about the boy if you come back. Okay, Tae-Tae?” I
hugged him tighter. “I’m sorry for what I said and how I said it. Please, don’t
walk away from me…not again. Not ever! Please, Tae-Tae?” Apparently, I wasn’t
too proud to beg.
“Could you…could you call me that again?” he asked sadly. “Please.”
I nodded emphatically. “How many times should I call it? How many ways? Tae-
Tae…Tae-baby…my Tae.” I felt his body relax as he leaned back into me. “Should
I keep going? I’ll call them all day long if it gets you to stay here with me,
Tae.”
“Yogi-hyung.” He spun around to face me and we clung to each other. “My Yogi.”
And just like that all the darkness left my body. The reasons I’d had for
talking to him that way earlier…gone. The memory of the exorbitant bill for
broken furniture and room destruction…never happened. The pain I felt in my
swollen, discolored nose…forgotten. The argument we’d had last night…never
happened. The bunny-toothed asshole boyfriend…maybe I wasn’t ready to let that
go yet. But Taehyung was in my arms again and it felt so good, like he had
never left. “Come with me.” He let me lead him inside my suite and sit him on
my new leather sofa. I fixed him a tall glass of water and rushed back over to
him. “Here, Tae-Tae. Drink this.” He took a big sip.
I plopped down next to him, getting as close as I could without climbing into
his lap. I hesitantly reached out to stroke his cheek; he leaned into my touch,
exhaling slowly like he had been waiting to do so for a long time. I examined
his face. Everything was still the same, just older. He was still the reason
why the world turned, birds sung, and sugar was sweet…he was still my
‘everything’. “You have no memory of last night? Really?”
“No…it happens sometimes when I’m traumatized. It’s been happening since back
then, right after Eomma—I’ve been in counseling forever trying to fix
whatever’s broken. But my therapist says it’s a form of self-protection.”
“I can’t help but be skeptical, Tae…but I know you would never lie to me. So…I
choose to believe you.”
“I’ll tell you all about it in detail another time, but right now I need to
know what happened last night to make you act like this…to talk to me that way.
Why are you so angry with me?”
I took a deep breath, feeling remorseful for my earlier behavior. “Well…I saw
you before you saw me. You were at the table with that boy.” I spat. Taehyung
looked down at his hands, obviously embarrassed. “I watched you flirt and tease
and kiss—“
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Is this part relevant?”
“To me it is!” I yelled, watching his eyes widen in shock. “It’s more than
relevant when I’ve been abstaining for ten years…waiting for you. I was so
jealous and hurt—“ He leaned in and kissed me delicately on the cheek, the
sting from it turned into an electric shock that invaded my bloodstream and
spread through my body like a virus. I immediately calmed.
“I’m sorry you had to see that, Yoongi-hyung, but for the record I—you know
what? That’s a separate conversation for another time…let’s focus on last night
for right now.”
I fought to ignore the lingering tingle from his kiss. “You left so I followed
you, hoping to catch up to you and make my presence known…but I lost you in the
crowd. I searched around for a while but couldn’t find you. Just when I had
given up, I turned to leave and bumped into you—“
He scoffed, “Sounds like a cheesy meet cute in a B movie—“
I laughed. “It was just like that. You spilled your drink on me and tried to
apologize and then…then you saw that it was me…you didn’t believe it was me at
first, but you saw my necklace and then I did this—“ I flicked his nose and
kissed him on my favorite mole. My heart raced when his eyes glazed over; some
things never change I guess.
“And?” he asked breathlessly.
“You cried…you’ve always been a bit of a crybaby anyway.”
“Aw, stuff it Yoongi-hyung,” he said, coming back from whichever dreamland he
went into this time. “I can’t help it if I’m in touch with my emotions. All
real men are.”
“Yeah right…anyway, it was the perfect reunion. I was hugging you and promising
never to let you go…”
He stared at me wonderingly, “Sounds sweet.”
“And then it went to shit. You punched me in the nose, good cross by the way—“
He grinned. “I had an excellent teacher.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “—and you stormed off after calling me a liar.”
“Ah. See, I’ve been imagining different scenarios of how I would murder you
when we met up again. You’re lucky a punch is all you got. I thought you had
given up on me and left me on my own. I thought you had lied to me.”
I glared at him accusingly. “Well now we know who actually gave up…the real
liar in all of this.” Shut the fuck up, Min Yoongi!
He looked instantly contrite, but otherwise, he completely ignored my
statement. “And then?”
“I lost you for a while but caught up with you at the elevator. You lost
control and lashed out at me. You were crying and hyperventilating, calling me
a liar…and then you took off your necklace and threw it at me—“ he gasped at
that, hand flying up to his mouth, “—you called me ‘Min-ssi like I was some
stranger and you fainted.”
“Ah, so that’s why you called me that. Kim-ssi,” he spat with disgust.
“What can I say? I’m the king of petty.”
“I’m so sorry about all of it, Yoongi-hyung—“
I couldn’t even remember why he was apologizing. “Why do you keep saying that?
‘Yoongi-hyung’? You’re calling it wrong, brat.”
Taehyung smiled. “I’m definitely too old to call you that now. It just slipped
out earlier, but I think I shouldn’t say that. It’s embarrassing as grown men,
right?”
“It never bothered you before.”
“It’s been such a long time though…isn’t it weird for you?”
“Honestly, it’s all I’ve been wanting to hear for the last ten years,” I
admitted. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of you calling me that, so please don’t
stop.”
“Maybe only in private until I’m comfortable with it again, okay my Yogi?”
And I was flying. “I guess so, but I really want to hear it. I want us to be as
comfortable with each other as we were in the past, but for now call me
whatever you want as long as you’re calling me. Hasn’t that always been my
line?”
“Nah, your line was ‘stop calling me that, brat’.”
I shot him my most sincere smile. “Tae…baby, you know I never really wanted you
to stop.”
His cheeks went pink as he looked everywhere except at me. “Yoongi-hyung—“ I
flinched at the name and frowned. “—I’m sorry for turning into a crybaby when I
first came. I came down to hear from you directly where we stood, but I
couldn’t hide how happy I was to see you. Even though we won’t be together as a
couple, I still want you in my life as a friend. I just need to hear that you
are done with me so I can—“ His hands shook a bit as he picked up his water and
took another drink.
Done? Me? But he was the one here on a trip with his boyfriend. He was the one
who moved on with someone else while I stayed true to our vows. Did he not
realize how much I still loved him? Still wanted to be with him? “Wait, what
are you talking about, Tae? What do you mean?” I couldn’t believe he thought I
could stop loving him. How could he think such a stupid thing? “I didn’t give
up on you. Never. I’ve been searching everywhere for you the entire time. I
never said I was done and I never will. You are mine, Tae, and I am yours.”
He choked a bit on his water. “What?” he sputtered. “What are you saying
Yoongi-hyung? Y-you…really didn’t abandon me?” He looked up at me with so much
hope. “You…you didn’t stop loving me?”
“No!” I yelled. “How could I after all we’ve been to each other? I was born to
love you, Tae. Nothing has changed…at least on my end.”
“Then why? Why didn’t you ever come for me? I waited just like I promised but
you never came. I tried calling your house a few years ago, the numbers
changed. I tried sending letters and they all came back unopened. I searched
for you on social media, I couldn’t find you.”
I sighed, frustrated by his words. “You made it really hard to follow you, Tae.
The first month or so after you left, I was incapable of doing anything. We can
discuss that part later…but I waited for you to send word of which state you
would be in, it never came. I didn’t know your grandfather’s full name, nor the
name of his company. I searched for your family registry but someone paid a lot
of money to have everything about you and your family sealed. Eomma and Appa
were in no condition to help; I couldn’t even mention your name without her
crying, and he rarely came home because there was so much grief haunting our
home. I never got a letter, an email, a text, or a phone call so I had no
information. I had no idea where you were. As soon as graduation was over and I
was well enough—“
“Well enough? What happened to you, Yoongi-hyung?” I could see the worry in his
eyes.
I placed a finger to his lips shaking my head to halt his interruption. “—I
bought a plane ticket to Stanford. I started my search from there, hiring
private detectives to hunt for you while I attended classes. I didn’t have time
for social media because I wasn’t very social once you left. I just found out
your new surname last night when that Jeon Jungkook guy told me last night. It
never occurred to me that you would change it.”
“Damn it, Yoongi-hyung, I’m sorry. It’s my fault. My grandfather was
very…overbearing. I was forbidden from contacting anyone in Korea. I couldn’t
use phones or computers unless it was school related. He monitored the bills
and punished me if I didn’t follow the rules. But the letters I sent and the
disconnected numbers, what happened?”
“About a week after you left Eomma decided she couldn’t live there anymore.
There were too many memories…she completely broke down. Losing you and Eomma
Soyoung, and trying to deal with me…we sold the house and moved to Seoul. There
were probably new owners by the time you tried to contact me.”
“It’s almost laughable, really. So many little things kept us from finding each
other.” He placed a warm palm on my thigh and gave it a comforting squeeze.
“You really didn’t give up on me?”
I gasped, shocked that he had to even ask again. “Never,” I said, voice
overcome with emotion. “Don’t you remember? I vow to always keep you in my
heart. I’ll be faithful and true. I’ll love you more and more with every breath
I breathe. I will follow you and find you and we will have our future together…
did my words ring false to you?”
“No, not then. But after eight years of waiting of course I began to have
doubts.”
“You doubted my love for you? Wait…hold up." Did my ears fail me? Eight years?
"Tae…we’ve been apart for ten years.” I didn’t like where this was going. Not
at all. I felt my heart drop down into my stomach. “That boy from last night?
You and him are a real thing?”
He nodded. “Two years ago I met Jeon Jungkook. He’s the only person I let get
close to me in that way after I left Korea, my only true friend once I lost
you. He fell in love with me and he’s been fighting this whole time to win my
heart.”
“Right…I didn't want to believe it when he told me you were a couple." In my
excitement of clearing up all of our misunderstandings I had forgotten about
the kid. I had raged all night and cried myself to sleep because of that
asshole; I grimaced at the thought of him. I nodded, waiting for Taehyung to
give me the big writeoff…to send me away with my tail tucked in-between my
legs. "You have a new boyfriend."
“God, no! At least, not yet. I’ve been considering it for a while now. It took
this long for me to decide whether I should give up on you and enter into a
real relationship with him. I had planned to tell him on this trip that I was
ready to be his boyfriend. But it isn’t official, not yet.”
I didn’t hear anything after ‘God no’. I couldn’t mask the wild hope that
flooded my face. “So, you’re not together?”
He shook his head and I was briefly reminded of a puppy…cute. “Not officially.
We go on dates and we even live together. I love him a lot…way more than I ever
thought was possible.”
“Ah…but you’re in love with him.” Hope fled my body faster than panties dropped
for Jay Park. “I see.”
“Don’t misunderstand. I don’t know Yoongi-hyung…he’s perfect for me. I love him
so, so much and could see myself living happily by his side. I have to be
honest with you and tell you that I had planned on doing just that. I know we
could become something great, something epic—“ I was slowly dying inside as he
spoke so openly about loving someone else when I had only loved him my entire
life. “—but you’re here now and I just found out that everything I believed was
untrue. The only reason I accepted his love at all is because I convinced
myself you had given up on me. If I had known that you were out there still
searching, Jungkook and I would have never happened. Up until very recently, I
still considered you my boyfriend. I didn't let Jungkook get close to me
because it felt like cheating; in my heart, I was still with you.”
I was soaring again. “Is there still hope for us? Please be plain with me, Tae.
I don’t think I can stand to go through another heartbreak like the one I had
last night.” He raptly met my eyes. “Forget about the kid, forget about
everything else other than you and me. Do you still love me, Tae? Do you still
feel the same way you felt all those years ago when we made our promises to
each other? It's okay if you don't, okay. We could still at least be friends if
you no longer...” I couldn't finish. I braced myself for heartbreak.
Taehyung smiled shyly at me. “I…I do.”
I grabbed his hands, kissing them all over. “Then there is no problem. I do,
too.”
“There is. I’ve already told you that I love Jungkook too.” He pulled his hands
away.
“But you love me more. You’ve loved me your whole life…you were mine first.”
He didn’t exactly deny my words. “I’m not some possession, Yoongi-hyung—“
“Damn it, I hate it that you’re calling me that…like we’re strangers. Like
twenty five years of me loving you doesn’t matter!” I wanted to pull my hair
out by the roots. "It's proof that there's distance between us. I don't like
it."
“When I’m comfortable calling you that again, I will. I’m sorry, but I need
more time.” Calmly and adoringly, he caressed my cheek.
"Fine, but I won't call you any nicknames either. You're Kim Taehyung-ssi
again."
"You're joking, right?"
"What's good for the goose..."
"You're being ridiculous, Yoongi-hyung."
"No, you are." I knew I was acting out, but it was the only thing I could do to
keep from falling apart in front of him. He was in love with someone else,
someone who wasn't me. Sure I was angry, but mostly I was hurt. I felt
betrayed. It was so much easier to be mad than to address how his revelation
was hurting me...how weak I was for him. But I underestimated how well Taehyung
knew me.
"You know that this isn't working, right? I know that what I call you isn't the
real reason you’re upset.” Of course he was right; no one knew me better than
Taehyung. “We’re not kids anymore…I’m not that fragile, innocent boy you knew.
I’ve changed, love. Life happened and that part of me is gone." He made me meet
his eyes. "Throwing a tantrum to misdirect me is childish. I know I've hurt you
and I’m trying to deal with this the best I can.”
"Okay. I'll stop." Damn it, he was always able to see right through me.
"Good." He stood, grief marring his pretty face. “We have way more important
things to discuss than what to call each other. There's a lot I need to tell
you…but it’ll have to wait until next time. You can decide then if I’m someone
you can still love…if I’m someone you still want to be with. We will continue
this the next time we meet.”
“When will that be, Tae? How long must I wait to see you again this time?” I
asked bitterly. “A day, months…years again? I don’t need time to decide whether
I love you or not. I’ve always loved you and I always will. Fuck next time,
whenever that might be!” I shook my head, stubbornly crossing my arms across my
chest. “I’m not playing this game again. I’m done chasing and I'm done
waiting.” I turned my back to him.
“So, you have given up on us then? Fine. Now that I have your blessing to move
on we never have to meet again and we can just forget any of this ever—“ he
mocked.
I strode over to him, taking my time as I studied his beautiful face. Smirking,
I watched his expression change from amused, to surprised, to wary, and finally
to want. I stepped right into his personal space and fisted his shirt, pulling
him closer. I pressed my nose into the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply; he
gulped, then stiffened. I kissed a spot right behind his ear; he melted against
me. I pulled him close and buried my face into his chest as his strong arms
embraced me. “There’s no need to be dramatic, Tae. I’m just frustrated, that’s
all. You know I didn’t mean any of it.” I felt his warm arms pull me in closer
and I wanted to be buried there. I wanted to stay there forever. “Why am I so
weak when it comes to you? I want you so bad…need you back by my side where you
belong.”
“I want that too, more than anything, but I have someone else to consider.
Kook—Jungkook and I have been through a lot together and I really love him,
Yoongi—“ I pinched his side, and he winced. “Yogi-hyung,” he corrected for my
sake. “I refuse to just abandon him or forget him. As much as I’ve been
fighting it, we’re something like a couple. I have to talk this through with
him first. He deserves my complete honesty too. ”
“So, where does that leave me? What happens to us?”
“I don’t know, I need time to process everything,” he mumbled into my scalp.
Damn, he had gotten taller…and hotter. I let my hands roam freely, exploring
his chest and back. Definitely hotter. “I have to talk to Jungkook first…come
clean about it all.”
I pushed lightly at his chest, stepping out of his embrace. “Come clean? What
exactly do you mean by that Kim Taehyung?”
“Yoongi—“
“Oh my fucking god…he doesn’t know, does he?” He didn’t answer. “You didn’t
tell him about me? That poor bastard. You didn’t tell him you already had a
boyfriend? He doesn’t know that I exist? And to think I hated him because I
thought he pursued you despite our relationship. I pity him a bit.” And I
really did.
“When we meet next time I promise to explain it better. Right now I have to go
to him.” He turned to leave.
“Tae, wait just a sec.” I made a mad dash for the dresser and grabbed his
necklace. “This…about this,” I said as I walked to him. “Do you really not want
it anymore?” I was so scared he would refuse it. If he did, well, that would
mean that we didn’t stand a chance in hell of being together. I bit my lip,
waiting for his response.
He crossed the distance between us in nanoseconds, long legs a blur as he
rushed to yank it out of my hands. “I can’t believe I almost forgot it!” He
stared at it lovingly before kissing it. “This was why I was searching for you
originally, before Jungkook told me your name. We thought you were just some
kind, weird stranger who helped me after I fainted. I woke up and saw that it
was missing and lost my mind trying to find it. I guess I can call Katie and
tell her to take down the flyers.”
“Flyers?” My heart warmed at the idea of Tae treasuring something I gave him so
much. I couldn’t contain my gummy smile, hitting him with it full blast.
“I even had the staff harassing guests, asking them if they’d seen it. I’m
naked without it…incomplete.” Damn it, just kill me now and I’ll die a happy
man. He really still loved me. “Thank you for keeping it safe after I was so
careless last night. Thank you for returning it to me, Yoongi-hyung.”
I’m sure that the slight annoyance of him calling my name too formally again
spurred my action. On a whim, I stole the necklace from his grip and the
ferocious look he gave me nearly stopped my heart; he was so adorable. Tae-Tae
the Tiger; I smiled at the thought. “Wait…I’m not so sure that I’m returning it
to you.” I thought of how he called my name, of his relationship with Jeon
Jungkook. I needed some sort of reassurance that Taehyung wanted us as much as
I did. I had no intention of truly keeping it away from him, I just needed to
see that he wanted it. That he wanted me.
“What do you mean Min Yoongi?” he asked through gritted teeth.
As if he could intimidate me; even angry he was too cute. “Do you know what
this necklace signifies? Us, Taehyung and Yoongi together forever. Completing
each other…”
“Of course I know what it means, how could I forget? Now give it to me.” He
lunged for it but I dodged him easily.
“No, I think you’ve forgotten. You are with someone else now.” I took the
necklace and pocketed it.
“I’m not. Not really. Even if I were, it’s still mine. You can’t keep it from
me,” he whined.
I shook my head. “I gave it and I can take it away. I won’t give it back until
you’ve decided for sure that it’s me you want to be with,” I said obstinately,
praying that I wasn’t making a mistake by drawing a line in the sand. “When you
wear this necklace again it will mean that you choose to be with me.”
He whined, “But I’ve never not worn it. I’m not me without it.”
“You’re not you without me,” I countered.
“My Yogi….” he pleaded, huge puppy dog eyes on display.
I shook my head, laughing to mask my worry. “Now you would call me that just to
get your way? It won’t work. I’m soft when it comes to you, Tae, too soft. But
I have my pride. It’s bad enough you kept my existence from him like I was some
dirty little secret—“
“I kept you to myself because I treasure you and I wanted my memories of you
all to myself—I’m a selfish man, Yoongi-hyung.“
“—I won’t let you go to another man, that boy, wearing a symbol of my love. I
can’t believe you’ve been wearing it while you’ve been with him.” He looked
down at his feet, remorseful. “Like it or not you’ve been unfaithful to me by
loving him. You’ll have to earn my trust again before you can get it back.”
He sighed. “Fine…I really do understand how you feel. And I’m sorry, I’m so
sorry. I never set out to betray you Yogi-hyung.”
I felt reassured; he would definitely get the necklace back tonight. “We’ll
work through it. But now you have to go to your…Jeon Jungkook.” I said
spitefully. “You had better tell him about me now because I refuse to back down
now that I’ve found you again. He’s been fighting for two years, I’ve got him
beaten by over twenty. You are the only person I'm soft with, Tae, so tell him
he’d better be willing to fight like hell to take you from me. I won’t go easy
on him. You are mine, always have been and always will be.” I watched a lovely
pink fan out on his face and my chest tightened. “Make time for me tonight
too…we’ll do dinner. You can tell me the rest then. And there are some things
you need to know about me.”
“But…”
“I’m not asking, Tae. We have a lot to discuss. The memory loss thing, your
grandfather, your history with Jungkook…all of it. It’s the least you can do
after how you’ve hurt me,” I pouted. I was not above guilting him into what I
wanted.
“Fine, but you're not slick, Yoongi-hyung." I grinned at him and he gave me a
that unique boxy smile I loved. "Is seven okay?”
“Yes…let’s meet here in my suite.”
“Okay.”
“And Tae…I’m keeping the necklace because you broke your promise to me, but it
doesn’t mean I don’t love you as much as I did when I gave it to you. In fact,
I would say that I love you even more after all the shit I’ve been through to
find you. I won’t let you leave here without something to remember me by.” I
stepped into his arms, which immediately wound around my neck as I wrapped my
own around his waist. “I love you, Kim Taehyung. I’m yours as much as you are
mine. Don’t ever forget it.” And then I kissed him.
                                     *****
When our lips meet there are starbursts behind my eyelids. My pulse goes into
hyperdrive, a steady hum now instead of individual beats. I pull him in closer,
sucking on his lip trying to ingest it. I thought he would just stand there and
let me have my way, but he is just as eager if not more so. He crushes me
against his chest, furiously matching my movements. I reach up, grabbing
fistfuls of his flaming red hair to pull him even closer to deepen the kiss.
The blood hastens from my head to my groin and I press myself against his
crotch, circling my hips and creating an addictive friction.
He moans into my mouth and I swear I could have cum in my pants from just that
sound alone. I feel his hands slip down to my waist and his fingertips dig into
my hip bones, so deep I believe he leaves fingerprints. “Yoongi…” he breathes
into me and I grind against his tumescence. I want more.
Maybe we communicate telepathically as well, who knows the extent of our
closeness, but Taehyung somehow hears my request. He slowly thrusts his hips
forward and begins to grind too…and holy fuck my soul leaves my body. After ten
years of only blowjobs and handjobs from strangers, apparently I am starved. I
don’t even know that I am until this moment; until I kiss Taehyung. And it
isn’t just the sexual aspect of it, no, I’m not horny or anything...well maybe
just a little after seeing him I am. It was really the intimacy of it all. I
know him and he knows me. We want each other. We need each other. We love each
other. He is all the aphrodisiac I need.
I feel his hands grip my ass and suddenly I am airborne. I wrap my legs around
his middle firmly, using the new leverage to raise myself a few inches and lick
down into his warm mouth. I feel us moving, but I am too caught up in him to
worry about the destination. He slams my back up against the wall, knocking the
little breath I have left from my lungs. My eyes roll back and my head is
swimming…I gasp in pleasurable pain and Taehyung seizes the opportunity to
somehow deepen our kiss.
He braces me up with his thin, yet strong, frame as his warm hands somehow find
their way under my shirt. He fingers gently graze my skin first, reintroducing
themselves to my needy body. I couldn’t contain the lewd moans and whispers of
his name. The few functioning synapses that were unaffected by Tae’s assault
telegraph a need to stop this before it goes too far…I know I have to stop it.
But I need this. After so much time apart, I need him.
He suddenly rips my shirt open, sending buttons flying everywhere…my eyes
flutter open just long enough to see one land in his hair. His lips and tongue
join his fingers in an assault on my sensitive, starved skin. He licks and
teases and sucks the tender buds on my chest and I fucking ascend to my own
personal heaven where every angel has Taehyung’s face, I swear it.
I feel myself sliding up the wall, somehow defying gravity, as Taehyung licks
and kisses a trail down to my belly button before French kissing it. I marvel
at his strength after looking down and seeing his sinewy arms barely straining
in their effort to hold me up in my position. He begins to mouth my erection
through my pants and my legs are dangling loose now as I hang suspended in the
air, so I wrap them around his neck this time. His grip shifts to my ass to
hold me in place as I sit on his shoulders. I yank on his hair hard so that I
don’t lose my balance and fall from his shoulders. Big fucking mistake.
I feel Taehyung’s growl reverberate in my groin and eventually throughout my
body. He starts to mouth me through my pants again, roughly palming my ass as
he has his way. I could only throw my head back and hold on for dear life as he
sucks me into a frenzy. My legs feel like jelly and begin to tremble. He
finally takes mercy on me, allowing me to slide back down again, legs locking
around his waist and braced against the wall again. We were eye to eye again,
chests heaving and consumed by desire.
I continue to grind our erections together and he nuzzles into my neck; biting
first, then sucking desperately at my jawline right underneath my ear. He
kisses a burning trail over to right above my Adam’s apple, forcing me to lean
my head all the way back, and he bites me there too—all I see is white as he
tries to suck out my goddamn esophagus.
I distinctly hear my zipper sliding down, and then heat enveloped my manhood. I
groan in absolute ecstasy as I feel his hand working me. I feel a wave rising
within me. ”Tae…”
                                     *****
I was too lost in lust and had to fight my way back to sanity. It took a strong
will and a hell of a lot of personal sacrifice to finally push him away. “Tae.”
I fell to the ground, landing safely on my feet. I looked up and saw him—pupils
blown, lips swollen and wet, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. On reflex,
he mindlessly took a step forward, obviously still caught in the moment; I
barred him from getting closer. “No,” I ordered. My hands pushed against his
chest as I watched as the passion gradually fade from his eyes and heard his
breathing normalize. We stood there gazing at each other, longing for each
other.
Struggling to breathe, I could only ask, “Where did you learn all that, love?”
“Must’ve seen the same movie you saw, Yogi-hyung.”
After a beat, we both laughed and it was a perfect moment, a light moment.
Nostalgia overwhelmed us as we were transported back to night I had given
Taehyung his first kiss. How is it that after all these years these feelings
were still so strong? I could tell he felt it too as he stared at me, eyes
smoldering again.
“You know why I had to stop, right Tae? I wanted it, fuck, I want it so bad
babe…but I just can’t.”
“I know. I’m not exactly happy that you stopped, but I am grateful. I would
have regretted being with you like that without being certain.”
“You’re still uncertain?” I asked. “You love him that much that even I need to
be considered?” I could feel doubt creeping back into my thoughts, and I tried
to squash it. I told myself Taehyung and I are meant to be. Taehyung will
always choose me. Taehyung will never hurt me. But doubt had forced its way in
and my voice was hollow and void of emotion when I said, “I understand.”
He cornered me, locking me in place with a hand on either side of my head.
“Yogi…my Yogi.” He let his forehead fall and meet mine and we stood there
connected. “My perfect, pretty Yogi-hyung.” He kissed me gently and sweetly.
I scoffed. “I’ve never been pretty, Taehyung.”
“You are to me…beautiful. And kind. And sweet. And soft. And caring. And
loving. And devoted.” He punctuated each declaration with a kiss.
I grew dizzy. “Only when it comes to you, love. Otherwise I’m a mean,
irritable, grumpy, shit-talking bastard—“
He shook his head, interrupting me. “You are my everything and that's all that
matters to me,” he murmured lovingly as he kissed my eyelids, my nose, my
cheeks, and even my chin. “I love you, know that I love you. I always will…but
I must, I have to—“ I could tell he was begging me to understand. I did.
In spite of our long separation and everything that had happened since our
reunion, I trusted him. I knew him as well as he knew me, so I understood what
he had to do. He had hurt me by loving someone else, but I knew now that it was
unintentional. I knew that by finding him now I had just fucked up his world,
and I couldn’t afford to be demanding when all I wanted was to reconnect…to be
with him again. I didn’t want to push too hard and chance losing him. And then
there was doubt…
“Fine. Go to him first, but then come back to me.” I had intended to sound
strong and commanding, but my emotions betrayed me as sadness flooded my
voice…and to be honest, I really didn’t give a shit. I had never needed to
pretend with Taehyung anyway. He always knew when I was playing him false, so I
dropped the failed façade of strength and let him see the broken me. The
genuine me. “Please, come back to me, Tae-Tae. See him and then come home. I’m
your home.” I firmly grabbed his cheeks and made him look me in the eyes so he
could see how this was affecting me…how this was killing me. I tried to smile
my gummy smile, the one reserved for him, but it was more of a broken grimace.
“Promise me.”
“I promise…I give you my word. I’ll be back. I’ll always come back to you,
don’t ever doubt that. Don’t ever doubt how much I love you.” He leaned in and
kissed me once more. “I promise, Yogi-hyung. So whatever you’re thinking,
whatever is causing you to wear that look please stop it. I want you as much as
you want me. I love you as much as you love me. I will come home.”
Though I still had doubts, I took great comfort in his words. It really killed
me to send him back to the boy, back to the asshat who had the nerve to worm
his way into my Tae’s heart against his will. It hurt. It hurt so much I wanted
to scream. But I stood there silently, basking in the love radiating from his
eyes. I slowly nodded, affirming my trust in his words.
He nodded in return and after a few minutes of just standing there watching me
watching him, he finally tore himself from my grip and left. As soon as the
door closed I fell to my knees and let my tears fall…happy tears. He still
needed me, he still wanted me. After everything…he still loved me. I’d found
him. I could finally breathe again. I could live again. I could be me again. It
was too good to be true.
In my excitement, I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed ‘3’. It rang
twice before a woman’s voice answered. “Yoongi-ah. How are you, sweetheart?”
“Eomma…” I said through my tears.
“Why are you crying? How can I make it better for my sweet, sweet boy? Are you
having another bad day?”
“Actually I’m having the best day, Eomma…I’m so happy right now. I can’t
tell…this is really happening, right? I’m not losing it again, am I? Please
tell me this is really happening and that I’m not still in that place. This is
real, right?”
She answered hesitantly. “I’m not there, but yes, this is real.” She sounded
scared. “Are you okay?”
“Eomma…it’s him. I’ve found him finally. Kang Taehyung…well, Kim Taehyung now.
His name was changed, that’s why I couldn’t find him anywhere. I was just with
him and he still loves me. He was waiting for me the whole time. Well…almost
the entire time. But we can discuss that later.” She was silent. “Eomma…this is
real, right? I’m really here in a hotel in Vegas and this is all happening…I
think it is but I’m not sure.”
“Sweetheart…when is the last time you slept?”
I tried to assuage her concern; I didn’t want it to drown out how happy I was.
“I know what you’re really asking. Yes, I’m taking my meds, don’t worry Eomma.”
I laughed lightly, still giddy. “I promise. And I’ve only gone two days without
sleep. Taehyung just left my suite to meet the guy he came here with, but he
told me he still loves me. He even kissed me back.”
“I’m coming to you, okay baby? I’m texting our pilot right now. The jet should
be ready in about an hour and I’ll be right there with you. Yoongi, are you
really okay?” I could hear her rushing around the house.
“Stop worrying. It’s real this time. Our meeting was too imperfect to not be
real…I don’t know why I doubted myself.” I chuckled. “Aish, Eomma I’m so sorry
for making you worry. This was just so…unexpected. There’s no need for you to
fly all the way to Vegas to baby me.”
“Too late. I’ll be there real soon, as early as tomorrow morning.”
“You don’t have to do that I’m fine…I’m just very happy.”
“I already have the name of the hotel you’re in. Just…just stay there and wait
for me honey. Please. I’ll see you soon.”
“There’s no convincing you that I’m okay then? Better, in fact, than I’ve been
in years?”
“No. I have to see it with my own eyes, in person.”
“Fine. I guess I’ll see you soon, Eomma. It’s not necessary that you come but
Tae would probably be so happy if you did. I can’t wait to see his face when he
sees you.”
“It’s your face I’m more concerned with at the moment, Yoongi. Don’t do
anything…just wait for me. And try to sleep.”
“I can’t sleep…we’re having dinner tonight. I have so much to do to get ready.
I have to make tonight really special for him.”
“Yoongi, call me when he gets there…let me hear his voice so that I know for
sure.”
“Know for sure what?”
“Just call me when he gets there. You could even video call, okay? I want to
see you both.”
“I will, Eomma. You won’t believe how much he’s grown.”
“Yoongi…erm…you didn’t take your kit with you, did you?”
“I gave you my word the last time, Eomma. I swear to you I’m fine, please don’t
worry. It’s just that this is all too good to be true and I suddenly had the
thought that maybe it wasn’t really happening. But if I’m talking to you about
it, it has to be real.”
“I hope so, Yoongi-ah. I really do. I hope this isn’t like the last time…I
can’t go through that again. Please take care and at least take a nap before
dinner, okay? I’ll see you first thing in the morning.”
“Okay….I love you.”
“I love you too, Yoongi.”
I hung up and my body went on autopilot as my mind shut off. I made a few calls
so that I could arrange a very special romantic night for Taehyung. I went and
took a shower, seizing the opportunity to masturbate to the memory of Tae’s
kisses and touches; I realized that my hands were inadequate compared to his. I
brushed my teeth and flossed before picking out a nice pair of black slacks and
a button down white shirt and laid them out on my bed. I threw open the
blackout curtains and let the sunshine drive out the darkness. I plopped down
on the new leather sofa in the living area, smiling as I recalled Tae’s words
from earlier… I waited happily and patiently for him to come home to me. For
the first time in 10 years, I couldn't stop smiling. It felt great.
Chapter End Notes
     It seems like even though Taehyung and Yoongi have grown and changed
     so much as individuals, the connection between them hasn't suffered.
     Taegi is still deeply in love and it was oh so wonderful to witness
     them loving up on each other again. That thing with the wall...it's
     embarrassing to admit that it's from personal experience. Shit, I'm
     blushing. It took everything in me to stop that scene, but I felt
     like sex would cheapen the Taegi relationship. But I wanted to
     highlight that draw that they feel; that need to be closer, to be
     like one. And Yoongi had to be the one to stop it because it shows
     that even after all these years, he's still putting Taehyung's needs
     and feelings first.
     Yoongi really is a softie at heart and he is so uncertain about
     whether his love will be returned. His past will be revealed soon,
     and it's really sad. But first Taehyung will tell Jungkook
     everything...and I mean everything (hint hint). Jungkook's reaction
     will follow that. Next update coming on Sunday. Much love to you my
     beloved, faithful readers.
     P.S. How does everyone feel about the BTSxARMY logo and new name? I
     thought I would struggle with it more at first, but honestly I love
     it. And I'm streaming 'Come Back Home' along with 'Spring Day' now.
***** Coming Clean...Well, Sort of *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung tries to tell Jungkook everything...sometimes honesty is a
     bad thing.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“I promise…I give you my word. I’ll be back. I’ll always come back to you,
don’t ever doubt that. Don’t ever doubt how much I love you.” I couldn’t resist
leaning in and capturing another kiss; Yoongi’s lips were addictive. “I
promise, Yogi-hyung. So whatever you’re thinking, whatever is causing you to
wear that look please stop it. I want you as much as you want me. I love you as
much as you love me. I will come home.”
And I meant every single word. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him, couldn’t
get enough of his touch. Ten years without it was my personal definition of
hell. His palm burned my cheek as he held me close, eyes boring into mine as he
tried to exhume any falsehood; I was confident he would see nothing but my
sincerity. He finally nodded and I had a mental celebration; he trusted me. He
believed me.
I savored the feeling of his eyes on me, only on me. I felt heat stirring deep
in my groin and I knew if I stayed any longer I would grab him up and carry him
to bed this time; or maybe take him right there on that supple leather couch.
Or the floor. Or the countertop. To be honest it didn’t really matter where we
ended up, the result would be the both of us wrecked, spent, and sated. And I
would never be able to leave him afterwards. I really regretted letting him
stop me earlier. I wanted him…damn it, how I wanted him.
Jungkook.
The name popped up and I envisioned him waiting in our room, confused and
unaware. I felt guilty that I was so lost in Yoongi that I had almost forgotten
him. I wrenched myself from his grip; the loss of contact was excruciating. Him
not touching me felt wrong; I suppressed a whine and a shudder.
I didn’t want to turn my back to him ever again, so I watched him as I made my
way to the door. His gaze was trained to the floor and his shoulders faintly
trembled. But I could tell he wasn’t falling apart this time; he was happy. And
I couldn’t resist beaming at him when he finally met my eyes, knowing that I
was the reason for his joy. I loved him so much.
                                     *****
I collapsed against the wall of the elevator, utterly depressed at having to
leave Yoongi’s sight even for a second. I couldn’t help recalling our time
together in his suite; every word, every facial expression…the feel of his
fingers, the taste of his skin and his mouth…aish, I would never be able to
face Jungkook like this. I needed a distraction.
I dug out my cell and called Katie to tell her to call off the search. Then I
shot off a few texts to Joonie and Jin, still texting as I exited onto the
eighth floor. After catching up with my cousins, there was nothing left to do
but to go to my room…our room. Our room where Jungkook was waiting for me to
return to him. And here I stood, still caught up in the memory of Yoongi.
Each step towards the room was heavy and full of regret, of guilt. I regretted
not telling Jungkook about Yoongi from the start. I felt guilty that he was
here with me while Yoongi had come alone, had always been alone. I regretted
leaving Yoongi’s suite, but also that I had gone there. I felt guilty that I
lost myself while I was there and had forgotten about Kookie. I felt guilty for
hurting Yoongi, and that I would soon hurt Jungkook. I regretted being a
selfish bastard. I was guilty in loving them both, but I couldn’t bring myself
to regret it…I just could not. It was the most arduous, painful walk I had ever
taken, and it seemed like hours had passed before I stood in front of the door
to our room.
Confusion clouded my mind and I had no idea which way I was leaning. Yoongi had
searched for me for ten years and kept his vows while I had cheated. He was so
loyal to me and still wants me. But I had so many other things to divulge to
Yoongi…the ugly parts of the last ten years. I had doubts about whether Yoongi
would still want me after hearing about it, after seeing… I was insecure.
Meanwhile, Jungkook had been there with me, had saved me, had seen me at my
lowest and still loved me. How could I ignore that level of devotion? But it
was a fairly new relationship and couldn’t be compared to what I had with
Yoongi. With time though, maybe it could be. Aish…it was all so frustrating.
A door had never looked this imposing. I knew Jungkook was waiting for me on
the other side and I had forgotten to mentally prepare myself for the damage I
was about to inflict. Though I had tried to distract myself on the ride down,
the realization that I had wanted to stay there with Yoongi had somehow still
seeped into the forefront. I wanted to hold him more, kiss him more, love him
more…I wanted him. I only wanted him. I was in love with him. I didn’t want to
lose sight of him again. I was afraid that if I was gone for too long he would
disappear again. I couldn’t lose him because I didn’t want to lose myself. Not
again.
It took standing in front of this door to make those thoughts of Yoongi take
flight. I wanted to rush in and throw my arms around Jungkook and never let him
go. I remembered how much I love him and tried to picture him not by my side…I
couldn’t. His unconditional love, his strength, his warmth, his smile…I needed
him, wanted him. I wanted him all to myself. I couldn’t lose him no matter
what. But I had to tell him everything.
I had to go in there and tell him everything; come clean with him about Yoongi,
my feelings, all of it. It was the only way I could hold on to Jungkook.
Honesty, communication, and transparency were things we both valued in our
friendship, and I held onto the hope that he would understand why I did the
things I did. Other than Yoongi, Jungkook was the person who knew me best and
there was no way in hell he would be angry with me, right? He would understand,
right?
The most important thing was to hold nothing back. He needed to know
everything, including what had just happened between Yoongi and me. Then I
would talk to Yoongi tonight about everything else he didn’t know. Afterwards,
I would try my best to make the right decision…that is, if either one of them
still wanted to be with me. I steeled myself, used my keycard, and stepped into
perdition.
I was going over everything I wanted to say in my head when I was suddenly
tackled and wrapped in warmth. I felt desperate kisses all over my face and
neck. I felt strong arms squeezing and pulling me in closer. I melted into him
with a familiar tingling in my fingertips and toes. “You’re back,” he whispered
into my neck; I hummed in affirmation. I wrapped my arms around his waist and
moved in closer, all coherent thought fleeing my mind as I was enveloped by
Jungkook’s love. “I missed you, baby.”
As soon as our lips touched though, guilt jolted me back to reality. Yoongi. I
broke the kiss and pushed away lightly, disengaging myself. I wanted to die
when his eyes transformed from adoring to accusatory. “Kookie, we have to talk
first.”
He frowned and took a step back. “I assumed. Tae, what’s going on? Who is this
Min Yoongi to you?”
I grabbed his hand and led him to the bed. We sat and Jungkook crossed his arms
across his chest tightly. I figured the best way to start was to just dive
right in. “I told you I would tell you why I’ve been fighting our relationship.
Are you willing to hear me out?”
“It’s not like I have a choice, so I guess so.”
“I don’t want to fuck up and leave anything out, I want to be completely honest
with you about everything. And remember that I do love you, no matter what you
hear, okay?”
He furrowed his brows. “Mm-hmm.”
“Well…it all goes back to when I was three years old.”
“Three?”
“Yes three. Honestly, it was probably before that. Probably since the day I was
born. There was a boy who was two years older than me. Our parents were best
friends, our moms were like sisters. So we spent our whole lives together,
growing up together. He was my best friend.”
“Did…did something happen to him?” he asked worriedly.
“No, nothing like that. We were close, almost like brothers…until we fell in
love.” I looked at him and he nodded his encouragement. “I don’t know when it
happened for him, but it turned romantic for me way back when I was still in
elementary school. I would dream about us holding hands, hugging…kissing. I
didn’t really understand it because I was so young. He was older and very
popular, so I kept my feelings to myself. I suspected he felt the same way, but
it wasn’t until the year he was supposed to move on to high school, the last
night of summer vacation, that I knew for certain he had feelings for me too.”
I looked away, not wanting to see his face. “He gave me a necklace…the Taijitu
pendant I always wear.” I unconsciously reached for it before remembering it
wasn’t there. “He gave me my first kiss that night…it was also the first time I
made out with someone. He was my first everything…”
I took a deep breath before starting again. “But we didn’t confess that night,
we were way too young to have a romantic relationship…at least, that’s what he
thought. We promised our friendship to each other and that we would always be
together. Of course over the years our feelings grew stronger and eventually we
couldn’t fight the romantic feelings anymore. I waited desperately for him to
confess, but he isn’t very good at dealing with feelings. He reminds me of you
in that aspect.” I smiled slightly at that. “It wasn’t until his senior year
that he planned to confess; he was so easy to read and I was so excited. It
felt like I had been waiting forever, but we were finally going to be together.
But the day of our date, the day that he wanted to make his intentions
clear…that was the day I lost my parents.”
He nodded sadly. “You told me you lost them suddenly and had to move in with
your grandfather, right?”
“Yes, I did, but there was more to it than that. My father and his
mistress…they murdered my mom.” Jungkook’s hands flew up to his mouth,
horrified. “They wanted to steal her inheritance. My dad was given a life
sentence.” A few tears leaked, but Jungkook quickly wiped them away and pulled
me into an embrace. “It’s when my memory blackouts started. I don’t remember
anything that happened during that first week, but during the second week I
overheard my grandfather mention us moving here to the states the very next
day. It snapped me out of whatever fog I was in and I immediately thought of
the boy I had involuntarily forgotten. I snuck out and rushed over to him.”
“What happened?”
“He had been having a hard time too. Remember, our families were extremely
close. His mother had a breakdown and he was suffering alone in his room. I
snuck in to meet him. That night…that night was the most important night of my
life...the best night of my life.”
I looked up at him and he nodded, urging me to continue with tears in his eyes.
“I told him I was leaving him forever, that I couldn’t without confessing
first. That he had waited too long and it was too late. I laid my heart bare,
told him everything I felt…how important he was to me. How he made me whole. He
finally confessed and told me everything I had waited forever to hear. We made
promises…we took vows. I told him I would wait for him and he planned to follow
me within a few months after he graduated. We…uh…consummated our relationship
that night and he promised he would follow me no matter what, that I just had
to wait for him.”
“Consumated?” He searched my face, obviously hoping that he had misheard. When
I nodded shyly in affirmation he couldn’t meet my eyes. “Uh…okay. But…you told
me your grandfather wouldn’t allow relationships. So did your grandfather run
him off or did he never show up?”
I sighed. “He didn’t show up. Grandfather changed my surname forced me to cut
off all contact with Korea, remember? We lost touch and I never heard from him
ever
again.”
“This doesn’t make sense…what about a burner phone or something? You knew his
email address, his house address. If you had tried…”
“I couldn’t, Kookie. Don’t you remember what was going on with my Grandfather?
Joonie believes that the abuse may have started as soon as he showed up in
Korea. He couldn’t get over what my father did, and since I look so much like
him, he turned his hatred on me. It’s probably why I can’t remember anything
from that first week. And I was completely under his control, Jungkook. I
wouldn’t dare disobey him. What he said was law to me, so no contact meant no
contact. I didn’t want…I couldn’t take more punishment. It wasn’t until I was
older that I rebelled.”
He squeezed my shoulders. “When I started college and moved out on my own, I
tried to find the boy again. I wrote letters and dialed the numbers I committed
to memory…but it was too late. When Grandfather found out…” I choked on my
words. “Let’s just say I never tried to contact him again.”
He rubbed my trembling shoulders. “Tae…baby, it’s okay now, that bastard can’t
hurt you anymore.”
“I know. And it’s all thanks to you that I was freed from him. I’ll never be
able to thank you enough.” I smiled up at him and he gave me a quick peck.
“It’s one of the many reasons I love you so much.”
“But…the boy.”
“The boy.” I sighed before starting again. “I couldn’t give up hope. I knew
that my best chance of finding him was to stay put. He would have to come to my
grandfather to get to me. It’s why I never ran away…he’s why I suffered. I held
on to thoughts of our love…to those precious times spent with him to get me
through all of the pain. And I kept my promise. Grandfather was one reason I
denied myself friendship and potentially love…that boy…he was the other. I was
waiting, hoping that he would find me and we would finally be together like
we’d always planned.”
“But Tae…you said the confession happened in high school. How long did you
wait?”
“I’m still waiting.” I saw recognition in his eyes.
“This is why you won’t fully commit to me? Why we can’t have sex? Why you set
limits on my love? For some boy you loved in high school who never came for
you? It makes no fucking sense to suffer like this, Tae. Why would you keep
waiting when you could be happy with someone else? When you could be happy with
me?”
“Because I loved him that much. I love him that much.”
“What about after your grandfather was out of your life? Did you try to find
him then?”
“By then I had started to accept that he wasn’t coming. And I had you. It was
hard to keep waiting when I was falling more and more for you.”
“You had me, all of me. But you still waited…you’re still waiting.” I couldn’t
tell if he was awed or angry.
“The entire time I’ve loved you I have felt guilty. Like I’m cheating on him.
And I thought if I kept things from going too far, maybe it wasn’t cheating
after all. Then I started to tell myself that he had to have given up anyway,
so it was useless denying myself. So I kept going further and further. At first
I just loved you, but then I fell in love with you and…I betrayed him in my
heart. I know, it’s stupid. I told you it was and I told you that you would
hate me for it.”
“Hate you? I think I love you even more, Tae. I didn’t think it was possible,
but I do.” He smiled brightly at me, nose cutely scrunched up and eyes hidden
in a squint. He hugged himself tightly, happily. "It's so romantic."
“Kookie?”
“That you would sacrifice so much for someone you love…it’s admirable. Stupid,
but admirable.”
“Babe-”
“I hope that you’ll love me the way you loved him one day. That you’ll be as
devoted and as hung up as you were with him." He stared off into the distance,
obviously picturing it. "It’s something I really want to witness Tae.”
“But last night-”
“One day, maybe you’ll meet him again and you can get the closure you deserve.
But until then just know that I understand and that I can be patient. It may
hurt you to move on, but I’m sure that he would just want you to be happy.”
“Things are never that simple…”
He swept me into his arms, hugging me first, then leaving on arm wrapped around
my shoulders. “Ten years….wow hyung. Like, do you even know your own strength?”
“I see it as more of a weakness. I am just so weak, even now just weak for him.
Just seeing him again-”
His smile vanished. “Even now…” He was lost in thought for a moment. “Wait a
minute—seeing him…again?“
“He finally found me the other night and I lost it. I’m sure you noticed that I
was finally opening up to you so much more lately…I had given up hope that he
would find me. I was ready to commit to you, to accept your confession and to
wear the ring you hid so poorly in your bag.” His mouth fell open. “I was ready
to move forward with you and start a life with you.”
“Was?”
“I really thought he had given up on me, Kookie, honestly. Eight years with no
word…it seemed like things were over between us. So I accepted your love for
me, though I was hesitant to give you mine. And I fought it, but damn it Kookie
I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. I wanted to be your boyfriend. I
felt so guilty that I wanted that. So when he tried to talk to me last night, I
punched him in the nose.”
“No…Tae? Not him, right?”
I nodded. “Imagine my surprise when I wake up with no memory and you tell me I
was with Min Yoongi…you said he looked like he didn’t want to let me go. You
said he touched me…reacted strangely when you said you were my boyfriend. I
knew it was him… I had to go to him.”
Jungkook removed his comforting arm from around my shoulder. “So you went to
him…to your boyfriend.”
“I had to. I still believed—“
“As in past tense?” He frowned.
“—that he didn’t want our relationship. I had to hear it from him before I
could move on with you without feeling like a cheat. Without tarnishing our
relationship. Without feeling guilty.”
“And…”
“I found out he never gave up on me. He’s been looking for me for the whole ten
years.”
“Wow.” He stood and paced for a few seconds before falling back into the seat
next to me, completely dejected. “And you just take him at his word?”
“Yes. Min Yoongi would never lie to me.”
“You don’t even know him,” Jungkook argued. “You don’t know how he may have
changed since you two have been apart.”
“I’m sure that there are a lot of things I don’t know about present day Min
Yoongi, but I know he’s not lying. I’m certain. No one can read him like I
can…he can’t lie to me.”
He pushed himself up and started pacing again. “So, now you’ve come here to
toss me out…to throw me out like trash so you can be with your long lost
lover…fine, I get it. I mean, how could I ever compete?”
“No! Damn it, Jungkook.” I rushed to him and gripped his arm. “This doesn’t
change what I feel for you. It’s just…things are much more complicated.”
He pushed me roughly back onto the bed and glared down at me. I had never seen
him look so angry before; I was a bit scared. “It’s not that complicated. Just
choose.”
“You’re being unreasonable.”
He retorted childishly, “No, that would be you.”
“Mere minutes ago you admired my devotion to him…” I reminded.
“Mere minutes ago he was a far off, distant hurdle…a ghost from your past. A
goal for our relationship. Now, he’s a very present threat to my happiness. To
our future, Taehyung!”
“It’s not something I can decide on a whim. Jungkook, I do love you. I love you
more than anything…except Min Yoongi.” He gasped and moved away from me as I
panicked. “No…that came out wrong. Shit!” I flew to him again, wrapping myself
around his middle as he stood stiffly. I really didn’t want him to get the
wrong idea. “That’s not what I meant to say,” I spoke softly into his back.
“Maybe I should just bow out gracefully. I love you, Taehyung. I love you so
fucking much. I’ve been patient…I’ve been a fucking saint when it comes to you.
I don’t want to waste any more of my love on a lost cause.” He shrugged himself
out of my grip. “If you had told me from the beginning…maybe we could have just
stayed friends. My feelings would have faded with time. But you let me love you
knowing that you were in love with somebody else. Somebody I can’t compete
with.” He tried to walk away again.
I grabbed him and pulled him close again. “Jungkookie! Please don’t leave when
I’m only trying to be honest with you,” I begged. This should serve as proof of
my love for you, right? If I didn’t love you this much, would I be trying to
get you to understand? I love you both and it’s killing me to have to choose.”
He stood there, resolute and angry. “Well you have to because I refuse to share
you. It’s him or me…you can’t have us both.”
“I know that,” I said impatiently “it’s why I have to think things over
carefully. He’s been faithful to me the entire time while I cheated. I was
weak. I have to give Yoongi a chance to show me who he is now. I owe him that
much after breaking my promise to him.”
“Lucky him.” He said, voice laced heavily with sarcasm. “I wasn’t important
enough to you to warrant any promises. Guess I know where I stand, huh?” He
pushed me away from him again, with a bit more force this time.
I bit my lip nervously. “Kookie…do you think this is easy for me? Put yourself
in my shoes for a moment.”
“Easy enough. Between you and some bastard I haven’t seen for ten years? I
choose you, Taehyung. I would always choose you! See how simple that was?” he
deadpanned.
I sighed, frustrated. “You’re only looking at it from your point of view.”
“What other view should I see, Kim Taehyung? What other fucking view is there
when you’re about to leave me for some stranger?”
“He’s not a stranger…not to me.”
“Well he is to me.” He crossed his arms and plopped angrily down onto the bed.
“Consider how he feels. He’s been searching for me for ten years. He had no way
to contact me and didn’t know that my name had changed. He’s been suffering
while I’ve been happy with you.”
“You’ve suffered as much as he did, probably more. It doesn’t matter anyway
because no tally can determine who you should choose. It doesn’t matter who was
hurt more, Tae. Who do you want to be with? Him or me?”
“I don’t know, Kookie. I just don’t know.” I sat next to him, taking his hands
in mine. “I’m trying to figure this all out.”
“You’d better fucking figure it out, and fast. You told me not to wait, so I
won’t.” I was surprised that he didn’t pull his hands away. I could see the
anger slowly leaving him; I nearly cried when I felt his hands squeeze mine.
“I’m not upset with you, Tae…it’s the situation. He has no real claim on you,
hyung. He’ll only be a problem for us if you allow it. Please…don’t allow it.”
As much as I wanted to leave the argument there, I had to tell him what
happened in Yoongi’s suite. “There’s more,” I whispered.
Jungkook didn’t acknowledge that I had spoken other than pulling his hands away
and turning his back on me. He sat there, red-face and angry, staring at the
opposite wall as if he wanted to punch through it. I secretly hoped he wouldn’t
do to me what it looked like he wanted to do to the wall.
“I have to be completely honest because I don’t want any secrets between us.”
He continued to ignore me. “When I was up there earlier…he…we kissed.” Jungkook
spun to face me, hurt flashing in his doe eyes at my betrayal. “It went a
little bit further than that actually—“ I saw the slap coming, but I was
frozen. I felt as his hand nearly cut into my skin…my entire head did a 180. I
froze in fear, not knowing how to react to Jungkook hitting me. I looked at him
and didn’t recognize who I saw in front of me; I didn’t know him.
He grabbed me roughly by the shoulders, shaking me. “You fucking slept with
him?” he screeched.
It took a few seconds for my rage to overtake the shock as my hand went up to
my burning cheek. “You would hit me, Jungkook? After everything…you know what
happened, what I’ve been through, yet you would still hit me?” I broke his grip
on me and stood, towering over him as I watched his mouth flap pathetically as
he tried to find words. “You would dare to hit me?” I asked, anger lacing my
words.
For a moment, he look as if he wanted to ask for forgiveness …as if he
regretted his action. I saw the internal struggle play out on his face; he
composed himself afterwards and bravely met my gaze. “I won’t apologize…in this
case you deserved it.”
I looked down at him, the boy I loved so much I was willing to throw everything
away for him…he stared back at me, contempt and hurt mutating his lovely face.
“You would sit there and say that you really think I deserved to be hit, to be
punished because you didn’t like something I did?” I couldn’t believe my
Jungkook, my Kookie would say such a horrendous thing. “You’re hurting so you
decide to hurt me as well…how does that make you any different than him?” I
could not believe Jungkook could be so cruel when he knows that I’m still
damaged from my experience with Grandfather.
“I guess it doesn’t,” he answered, coldly.
I flinched inwardly at his reply, every instinct telling me to kick his ass. I
pinched the bridge of my nose and squinted, trying to calm myself. The last
thing I needed was for things to get more out of hand than they already had.
And I knew…I hoped that he was only lashing out because he was hurting. He
misunderstood the situation and lashed out. It was understandable that he would
be angry. I could forgive him for losing control and letting his emotions drive
him to doing something stupid, but I would never forget that hit me. Not after
everything I had gone through. “I need you to know that the only reason I’m
still here is because I love you. I’ll let you have that one because I know
you’re upset and you’re saying all of this stuff to spite me because you’re
hurt. But if you ever raise your hand to me…I can’t promise I’ll be this
generous. I won’t sit by and let it happen again.”
“You cheated on me.” He stated with finality; as if that would justify him
hitting me. He was being an ass…a childish, tantrum-throwing ass.
“How could I cheat on you when I’m promised to him? You and I aren’t even a
couple yet.”
“We were well on our way. You were going to accept the couple ring from me…you
said so yourself. And then you go and fuck him before even talking things out
with me.”
“You know what, I kind of wish I did if this is what I get for being honest. I
never said I slept with him, you made that leap all on your own.”
His expression softened. “So…you didn’t sleep with him?”
“No! I thought you knew me better than that.” I scrapped my plan of being
completely honest with him; the situation was too volatile already. There was
no way in hell I could tell him that I wasn’t the one to stop it, not if just
making out made him this angry. I didn’t want to think about his reaction to
that revelation. Some things are better left unsaid I guess.
“I thought I did too but now things are different.”
I tore at my hair in frustration. “Can’t you see it kills me that I have to
hurt one of you when I love you both more than I love myself? Don’t you see how
this will ruin me? You should know what this is doing to me. I’m being ripped
in half right now and I thought you would be more understanding and
supportive.” I was slightly disappointed in him. We had been through a hell of
a lot together and he was forgetting it all.
“And I thought you would be less selfish.”
“Selfish? Me? I thought you said I couldn’t be selfish if I tried?” I thought
the slap had stung.
“That’s exactly what you’re being right now. Make a fucking choice. Until then
don’t touch me, don’t talk to me.” He stormed off to the bathroom, slamming the
door and locking it.
I followed him, knocking on the door. My heart was breaking into pieces. I
loved Jungkook, loved him so, so much. But he was making things even more
difficult with this temper tantrum. Sure I had dropped a hell of a bombshell on
him, and I had expected he would take it hard…but I hadn’t expected this
reaction.
I hated hurting him, but he needed to know the truth. I owed Yoongi a
chance….no, that’s a lie. Owing him had nothing to do with it, not if I was
being honest with myself. Truthfully, that was just an excuse I came up with to
make Jungkook feel better about the situation. In all honesty, I wanted to be
with Yoongi because I loved him still. I loved them both. I wanted them both.
And I didn’t know how to choose.
“Jeon Jungkook, despite everything that happened tonight, I still love you. I
know you’re upset right now, that you’re angry with me. It’s okay…I
understand.” I put my back up against the door and slid down until I was seated
on the floor. “I never meant to hurt you, really. All I’ve ever wanted from the
first moment I laid eyes on you was to take care of you.”
“If I didn’t love you,” I spoke loud enough for him to hear, “your reaction…it
would be excuse enough for me to leave and not look back. But I’m still here,
Kookie. I’m still here and I’m begging you to come out and work this out. What
more can I do? What will it take for you to realize that I love you? That I’m
still here because I love you?”
It was then that I had an epiphany. There was another thing that I had been
keeping from Jungkook. “There’s more, Kookie. I know you’re pissed at me right
now, but I hope you’re listening.” I waited for a response…I got silence. “I’ve
been holding something back from you, Jungkook.” I took a deep breath, as I
prepared to share something I had always been ashamed and afraid to tell him.
“This will be my last revelation for a while, I promise. Okay, Kookie?” There
was only quiet on the other side of the door.
“Jeon Jungkook, I think…I think I loved you from the moment I first saw you.” I
heard footsteps stop right behind the door. “That night…did I ever tell you how
I came to be in that alley? Sure, I’ve always said that I would have done the
same for anybody, but that wasn’t necessarily true. I have something to confess
to you…”
I almost fell over as the door opened quickly, but Kookie caught me. He gently
helped me to my feet and I saw his handsome face, ruddy and wet from the silent
crying he had done in the bathroom. I lovingly brushed his cheek, smiling up at
him. “What? What have you been keeping from me, Taehyungie?”
I smiled brightly at the nickname, my heart flooding with love for him.
“Kookie…baby. That night in the alley…it wasn’t our first meeting.” I ran my
fingers through his hair and he sniffled. “The first time I saw you, the night
we met…it was months before that.” His mouth dropped open in shock and I took
full advantage. I pulled him forward, shoving my tongue down his throat. I
kissed him frantically and thoroughly, like he was oxygen and I was
suffocating; I wanted him to feel my sincerity on a cellular level. I finally
let him go, a thin line of saliva connecting us still. I ran the pad of my
thumb over his luscious bottom lip, breaking the connection. “I think I started
to fall for you even then.” I told him candidly.
He shook his head. I couldn’t tell whether it was in denial or because he was
foggy from my kiss. “Impossible. When?”
“Uh…you really don’t remember much from when you tried to kick your addiction,
do you?” I rubbed the back of my neck in nervousness. “You’ve forgotten all
about your angel, right? I guess it’s because sometimes you went for days with
only a couple of hours of sleep.”
He looked at me warily. “How do you know about that? I’ve never told anybody
about that, not even Namjoon.” He grabbed my face, staring; I saw a spark of
awareness in his eyes. “No…it’s not possible.” His eyes were wide and he shook
his head, deeply in denial. “I would remember if you were there. I mean, I was
really out of it but you….I would never forget you. I could never….”
I laughed bitterly. “Oh, but you did. You forgot all about V.”
“I didn’t. He was just a hallucination…but how would you know about him?”
I held up the peace sign and Jungkook gasped, hand flying to his mouth in
disbelief. “After all of that…everything we suffered through together, do you
really think I could just carelessly toss you aside?”
He peered at me, tears streaming down his cheeks. “V?”
Chapter End Notes
     Please forgive me, Taekook fans. Finally, you have the chapter that
     switched me back to Taegi. I was so pissed at Jungkook's behavior
     even though I wrote it. I thought about changing it, but after re-
     reading the Jungkook chapters over and over again and fighting with
     myself and 2 week of not being able to write because of it, I decided
     it was a very realistic reaction for him.
     He feels like the one good thing he's had his entire life is slipping
     away and he's lashing out because he doesn't want that. In his own
     screwed up way, he's fighting to hold on to Tae. You have to remember
     his history. Plus, he's not good at dealing with emotions, he's
     young, and this is his first real relationship. Mistakes will happen.
     And while I don't think Jungkook is abusive in the slightest, any
     type of hitting is WRONG. Him refusing to apologize was WRONG. So, I
     was having a hard time forgiving him already and then chapter 27
     happened...let's just say Jungkook has a lot of redeeming to do. I
     have an idea on how he will do just that...don't count out Jungkook
     just yet. He really loves Taehyung with all his heart. He refused to
     apologize out of anger, but trust me, he is really remorseful.
     I'm nearing the end of my pre-written material (only three and a half
     chapters remain in stock) and I was wondering if I should slow down
     and post once a week until I build it back up. What do you guys
     think? Depending on what you guys say (and if I'm able to write in
     the next few days), Chapter 26: Cold Turkey will come either
     Wednesday or next Sunday. Taegi lovers, look forward to Chapter 28:
     Nothing has Ever Felt Like This.
***** Cold Turkey *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook decides to kick his heroin habit on his own; Taehyung is
     luckily in the right place at the right time.
     *****I in no way, shape, or form condone use of the f-word, nor any
     other slur towards any human being. It is used here for dramatic
     effect to show the man's intolerance.
     *****If you are battling an addiction, please seek the help of
     professionals.
      
     Next Up, Chapter 27: Hindsight is 20/20. Jungkook has a shocking
     reaction to this new information...see you next Wednesday. ;)
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Day 1:
It wasn’t until a couple of days ago while he was bent over the top of some old
man’s desk that he’d had an epiphany. He was lost. As the man drove into him
viciously and he watched the desk scoot up millimeter by millimeter, he
realized that his need was out of control. Jungkook was spiraling. He had
thrown away every rule, every prerequisite, and all sense of morality to
support his habit. It was here, stretched out on supple mahogany, that he had
decided it was time to regain control.
When he was done with the job he splurged one last time, stupidly believing
that if he had enough junk in his system it would make the transition to clean
living easier. He used all night and early the next morning, just to be safe.
Then he spent the rest of the day renting a hotel room and buying some supplies
from the dollar store—buckets, a change of linens, etc.—to ensure he wouldn’t
have to leave his room under any circumstances. He locked himself in and braced
himself for the worst.
Presently, the boy was drenched in sweat and trembling so uncontrollably he
could hear his bones rattling. He was wrapped in layer upon layer, yet he still
felt cold. He could feel that itch underneath his skin. The need ate at him…he
wanted to use. It had been less than 12 hours since he put his plan into
action, but he was already failing miserably. He concentrated on putting one
foot in front of the other, frantically trying to reach his destination. He
needed to use.
He was disoriented; eyes and ears assaulted by the everyday night life stimuli.
He lost focus, distracted by the visual and auditory noise. He forgot that he
was in the process of walking, stumbled, and fell off of the curb and into the
street. Time stilled as he fell; everything else blurred out of existence
except the sound of screeching tires as someone slammed on brakes. He couldn’t
move, body overcome by uncontrollable tremors. He sent a message to his brain,
begging it to let him cry out for help. He was even willing to bargain for the
ability to open his eyes…his brain never got that message.
Suddenly, he was wrapped in warmth and suspended off of the hard asphalt. He
felt that his body was moving, but he couldn’t figure out how. He relayed a
message to his brain: Just help me get my body to that place. I can end this
suffering with just one hit. Just one more, then we can try this again
tomorrow. His brain refused to cooperate. “No…no hospitals…” He murmured
instead. “Please. No hospitals.”
He was completely conscious. He could hear sounds and feel movement, but he
didn’t have the energy to open his eyes. After quite a bit of time, he felt
something soft holding up his body. He could smell fresh linen and food. The
boy inhaled the scents greedily, allowing himself to relax a bit and eventually
fall asleep.
Day 2:
Taehyung watched from a distance as the boy slept fitfully again, the boy he
had almost run over. Once he saw the boy’s condition, he was bombarded by
images of someone from his past, someone he had loved…someone he still loved.
Yoongi…he thought, dejectedly.
The day he had left him behind, Yoongi bore the same expression as the boy he
had almost hit. Their tremors were the same, their expressions of utter
hopelessness the same. They were both broken. He had left Yoongi behind back
then because he was young and too afraid to stand up to his grandfather. He had
left him in the same state he found this poor boy in. Thinking of his long lost
love he had immediately sprang into action, scooping the shivering boy up into
his arms and putting him in the car. The boy had spoken only once, asking not
to be brought to a hospital, before passing out.
The only thing on the boy’s person was a hotel room key and $50. There was
nothing to identify him, other than the glaring needle marks on his arms and
neck. So, he used GPS to find the hotel and drove there. After getting the boy
settled in bed, he searched the room for any means of identification. He
searched drawers, the nightstand, the medicine cabinet, and even under the
bed…nothing. He intensified his search and checked the toilet tank, the
undersides of drawers, ceiling tiles, under the sink…still nothing. He gave up
the search. He had fallen asleep at the desk, exhausted by the day’s events.
He had jerked awake this morning barraged by the strong smell of urine and the
sound of something slithering across the floor. Terrified by the sight of what
was making the sound, Taehyung leapt from his seat. The boy had left his wet
bed, creeping across the floor using his hands to drag the rest of his limp
body towards the door, drenched in sweat with soiled boxers. After Taehyung
cleaned him up and changed the soiled linens, he’d had to lay on the boy to
keep him from leaving. He had screamed and thrashed for hours and hours, almost
losing his voice in the process. Finally, he had fainted.
Taehyung hauled the only chair in the room close to the bed. He took a seat and
watched the boy tossing and turning. The boy’s hair was plastered to his face
soaked with sweat; he threatened to vibrate right out of his skin, shaking so
much even the metal bed posts tapped against the floor. Taehyung bit his lip as
a pang of sympathy hit him. He brushed the wet fringe from the boy’s eyes and
stared down at him. His resolve deepened. He had left his love behind years
ago, so many years ago that it was hard to remember his face. This was his
chance to redeem himself. This was his chance to make amends.
“I promise…I’ll help you get through this. I won’t leave you behind.” He
stroked the boy’s hair, humming softly as he slept on. “I’ll take care of you
no matter what.”
Fifteen minutes later he was holding the boy down again as he screamed in
agony, begging for drugs and promising some very lewd things in
return...Taehyung refused to be swayed.
Day 3:
Jungkook shuddered, watching as the man walked through the wall and took up
residence in a corner of the room. “I knew you would turn into a worthless
piece of shit,” his dad mocked. Well…the man looked sort of like his dad. He
didn’t remember his dad having red eyes or fangs…or claws. But it was
definitely his dad’s voice coming from the thing in the corner. “You were
always weak, not even good enough to be second best…not even third best even
though you were my third son.” The creature in the corner laughed.
“F-f-f-fuck yo-you, D-d-d-d-dad,” the boy muttered through chattering teeth.
His mouth flooded with the taste of salt and he felt his middle convulsing. He
painfully leaned over the side of the bed and vomited for the umpteenth time
into a well-placed bucket. He was drenched in sweat, yet he was freezing. And
‘Dad’ was pacing back and forth, relishing his pain. “I-I-I’m no-not w-weak.”
“You’re not weak at all…you’ll beat this.” A foreign voice spoke up. It was
velvety, deep, and very calm. A boy stood up from a desk; Jungkook had not
noticed him.
“Don’t give up, we’ll get through it together. I need you to keep fighting.” It
was an angel. His majestic ebony wings were widespread, the tips touching
opposite walls as he walked towards me. He had a messy mop of brown hair, round
spectacles, and a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry. Mayo Clinic’s webpage said
if you can make it through the next ten days, you’ll be okay.”
“He won’t make it, he’s a pussy. A faggot. A failure. A worthless whore.” His
dad laughed from the corner. “He’s a fuckup.”
Jungkook ignored his father. “N-n-not….o-k-kay….”
“You’ll be fine.” The angel fell to his knees, wings folding. He ran his
fingers through the boy’s hair. “I’m here with you. I’ll help you.”
“H-H-Hooo…” Jungkook tried to force out.
“Are you asking who I am?”
Jungkook nodded. “C-c-can’t st-t-top sh-sh-sh….”
“Shaking? Are you still cold?” Jungkook nodded, teeth chattering. The angel
pulled another blanket out of thin air and wrapped the boy up tightly. “Is that
better?” the angel asked.
“Th-than….”
“It’s no problem. Since it’s so hard to speak, if you have to go to the
bathroom or have to throw up, hold up a finger. If it's anything else, hold up
two fingers.” He held up a peace sign. “Just do that and I’ll come running,
okay? No matter what it is, just point if you have to and I’ll figure it out. I
have work to do but I’m always watching so I’ll see.”
“V.” The boy nodded, still shivering. “V-v-vee, w-w-w-win..wings….S-so….p-p-p-
pret-ty...”
The angel blushed. “Wings?”
“I….J-j-jeon….”
“John?”
“S-s-so t-t-t-tired-d-d.”
“Rest well then. If you need me, hold up the V. I’ll keep checking up on you
regardless.” He affectionately patted the boy’s head, grabbed the full bucket
and left the room.
“Fucking disappointment. Can’t even do this alone. You’re a weak bastard…you’re
not my son.”
His dad continued to rant in the corner, spewing his hatred and homophobia.
Jungkook could only listen to the harsh words as tears leaked from his eyes.
His father’s insults cut like knives as he prayed for some sort of relief. He
was tired but he couldn’t sleep, and he could barely move without shaking
himself apart. He heard when V re-entered the room, but he refused to call out
to him. He didn’t want to make the angel sad. So he suffered in silence, tears
steadily flowing as his father ripped him to shreds with harsh words.
Day 4:
Taehyung held the boy as he vomited bucket upon bucket of bile from his body.
The boy’s eyes were dull pools of inky darkness; sunken with purplish bruises
hovering above his hollowed cheeks. He had not eaten anything since Taehyung
had carried him in from the street, yet he couldn’t stop throwing up. His
clothes were plastered to his sallow, clammy, sweat-drenched skin. Taehyung
wanted to make the boy’s suffering go away.
He rubbed small, comforting circles into the small of John’s back while
offering consoling words. Finally, the boy was empty. “There,” Taehyung said as
he help the weak boy lay back on his pillow.
He grabbed the full bucket and hauled to the bathroom to empty it in the
toilet. He sat the bucket inside the shower and ran water to clean it out. He
pulled his cell from his pocket and dialed his cousin.
“Where in the hell have you been?!?”
“Joonie…don’t yell, I’m calling now aren’t I?”
“Jin has been out of his mind with worry. I’ve been searching the entire
fucking city…”
“No need. I’m fine—“
“Oh! I’m fine, he says. No need, he says. As if I could just turn off caring
about you. Do you know that Uncle called me?”
“Is that so?”
“Yes! Tae, why would you disappear without telling us? We want to help! Tell me
where you are right now so I can send a car to pick you up. I have a place in
the Caymans…you could be on the next flight out. And Jin has offered to go with
you until I can join—“
“I haven’t run away, hyung. And as much as I appreciate your offer, I cannot
leave. I’ll face Grandfather when the time comes, but right now I really need
your help.”
“Only if you promise me that you’re not trying to run without telling me.”
“I promise. Hyung, I could never leave you and Jinnie behind, you know that.”
“Fine,” he grumbled. “What do you need?”
“I found someone on the street, I think he is going through drug withdrawals.
He’s been very sick these last few days, vomiting up everything and shitting
out the rest.”
“Kim Taehyung, are you out of your fucking mind?!? Hang up and call an
ambulance now!”
“I can’t…I promised him. I just need to know how to take care of him better. I
found some stuff online, but I want to be sure. Could you please help me?”
“Aish, Tae. You’re taking years off of my life, you know that right?”
“Please, hyung.”
“Okay. I’ll make a food list and find out which medicines are best. What are
his other symptoms?”
“You already know the vomiting and diarrhea. But he’s not sleeping much either,
sometimes only for mere minutes. He has no appetite. I’ve offered my food, but
the smell makes him throw up. He’s having nightmares and, I’m not entirely sure
yet, but I think he’s hallucinating.”
“Shit…Tae, can’t I just come to where you are? It’d be so much easier—“
“Absolutely not. Could you just text me a list of the things I need to get?”
“Fuck, Tae. Fine…but what should I tell Uncle if he calls again?”
“Don’t worry about me, hyung. I’ll handle it.”
“Tae…I’ll cover for you the best I can. Please take care. I love you so much.”
“I promise I will. I love you, too, Joonie-hyung.”
“And call Jin when you get the chance, okay? Just so he can hear your voice.”
“I will, hyung. I promise.”
He ended the call and turned off water, grabbing the now clean bucket. He
sprinted to the boy's side and slid the bucket back into place, just in time.
Day 5:
He writhed and thrashed as the angel held him down, tears running down his
beautiful face. He didn’t want to hurt V, but he needed to get out of here. He
needed a fix…he could feel the need thrumming in his veins. His whole body
vibrated, muscles aching from overuse. He felt himself disconnect as the
seizure hit him full force and he lost control of his body.
Jungkook saw V scramble off of him and felt himself being turned on his side.
As he lied there convulsing, his limbs flailing spasmodically, he saw V moving
the lamp from nearby before standing there watching…tears still running down
his angelic face. His gigantic wings drooped sadly as he paced back and forth,
eyes never leaving Jungkook. Don’t cry…I don’t like to see you cry he tried to
send telepathically to the angel. He felt his bowels let go and was bombarded
with the stench of his own filth. Tears escaped from his eyes, partly from
embarrassment, but mostly from utter pain and exhaustion.
It seemed like forever before his body stopped seizing. V hurried over to him,
passing his hands carefully over different parts of Jungkook’s body to check
for injuries. Finding none, he sighed in relief before helping the boy into a
sitting position. He pushed his glasses up on his nose before stripping off
Jungkook’s soiled clothes and tossing them into a trash bag. He grabbed a
bucket of warm soapy water and sponged Jungkook carefully. He dressed the boy
in fresh, comfy, baggy clothing before helping him into a chair so that he
could strip the defiled bedclothes. He put fresh linens on the bed and helped a
spent Jungkook get settled under the covers.
“There…you should feel much better now.” V grabbed a chair and sat next the
bed. “What you need more than anything is rest. I need you to sleep, John.” The
boy nodded, slightly trembling still. He had already begun sweating again. “How
about I sing you a lullaby to help you fall asleep?” The boy nodded again.
“Okay…my mother used to sing this one to me all the time. I hope it helps.” V
lightly stroked the boy’s hair, massaging the scalp with his fingertips. He
sang:
     Baby mine, don't you cry.
     Baby mine, dry your eyes.
     Rest your head, close to my heart,
     Never to part, baby of mine.
     Little one, when you play,
     Pay no heed, what they say.
     Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
     Never a tear, baby of mine.
     If they knew all about you,
     They'd end up loving you too.
     All those same people who scold you,
     What they'd give just for the right to hold you.
     From your head down to your toes,
     You're not much, goodness knows.
     But, you're so precious to me,
     Sweet as can be, baby of mine
The boy looked up at V, tears shining in his eyes and a small smile on his
face. “You liked it?” V asked, and the boy nodded. “But it didn’t help
much…you’re still wide awake.”
“A-gin…” he rasped from his torn, abused throat. “P-please.”
V smiled brightly down at him. “Okay. Try not to talk too much, your throat
needs to get better.” He continued his ministrations on the boy’s scalp as he
sang through the song twice more. On the third round, the boy’s eyes finally
began to droop until finally he drifted off. V stood up, stretching until his
bones cracked. He gathered the boy’s dirty clothes and soiled linens and left
the room quietly.
                                     *****
The alluring smell of food lured the boy from his erratic slumber. His mouth
was dry and his tongue felt swollen. He wasn’t shaking as much as he had been
and was warm for once. He skin was cold and clammy, his muscles still ached,
and he could still hear his father jeering from some unseen area of the room.
His hand was smothered in warmth and he looked down to see his hand being held
by the angel in the chair. He had nodded off, spectacles dangling near the end
of his nose and wings touching the floor. It was a cute sight.
Jungkook gripped the angel’s hand and squeezed as tightly as he could.
“V…V……...V..” he croaked, throat wrecked from the amount of vomiting and
screaming he had done the past few days. He felt the angel stirring, but he was
too focused on studying the handsome face as it came back to life. The angel
opened his eyes and beamed down at him; Jungkook wanted to hide from the light
born from that smile. It made him feel dirty, contemptable even. He wanted to
shy away from the warmth and affection in that gaze, but V firmly held onto his
hand.
“I brought food and more water. I know you haven’t been able to hold much on
your stomach, but I found out that you have to get a lot of fiber, protein, and
water. So I got some fruits, veggies, meat, and rice. But I also got chicken
soup to start you off lightly.”
Jungkook tried to clear his dry throat to no avail before hoarsely whispering,
“Are y-you real?” It sounded more like Oru-ureel?
“Shhh…don’t talk too much. Let your voice rest. I’ll feed you some soup first
then I need you to drink some water." He fed Jungkook, smiling gently whenever
the broth cutely dribbled down his chin.
Day 6:
Jungkook was on his feet pacing, hopping every now and again to avoid clusters
of worms pushing their way up through the carpet. His body buzzed from an
unexpected, unlimited rush of energy. His bloody fingers twitched as he walked
the same path from one wall to the other; every now and again a limb would
spasm. He had tried to dig the worms out from under his arm skin, but he
couldn’t quite get to them. Besides, his father and the angel were being loud
and distracted him from the task at hand. So, he pushed the worms to the back
of his mind and focused hard on the two men.
His angel watched with huge, concerned eyes that were magnified by his
spectacles, while his now normal looking father glared at him. There was
something strange about both of them being there. His father hated him, didn’t
give two shits about him. It didn’t make sense that he would come here…unless
it was to celebrate his torment. And he had never seen the angel before…hell,
angels weren’t even real. Besides, the boy had sinned too much to ever secure a
place in heaven. So, why would an angel visit him and help him? They couldn’t
be real, right? He had to be dreaming them.
He muttered hoarsely under his breath, throat aching at every word. “If one is
a hallucination, does that mean the other is too? There is no such thing as
angels on earth, so why does he have wings? That means he’s not real right? I’m
pretty sure Dad is a fake—“
“I’m as real as you are, Chang-nyeo.” His father sneered.
“—and if he’s fake, then V is not real either.” V stood up, approaching
cautiously. “But if he’s not real, then how did I eat? Who changed my clothes?
Who’s been taking care of me? Or have I just been doing it all myself?”
“John?” V called warily. “You’re hurt. Your arm…” he pointed, “…please, let me
bandage it up.”
Jungkook ignored him completely and continued to pace, sweat dripping into his
eyes. “I held his hand and it felt real. But if he’s real, then is Appa really
here too?”
“John…what’s wrong?”
“Of course I’m here, shibal-seki…though there are several things I’d rather be
wasting my time on. But no…you’re so weak you can’t face something as simple as
this on your own.”
“Shut up. Let me think!” Jungkook shouted. “If they are real, then the worms
are real.” He saw V looking around the room, panic contorting his face. “Ah…he
must see them too. They are all real.”
“What? John—“
Jungkook stormed over and grabbed him roughly by the shoulders. “I…said…SHUT
UP!” he screamed, eyes bulging and feral. He roughly pushed the angel away,
sending him sprawling on the floor. He turned to his father, the latter leaning
lackadaisically against the wall while directing a look of disgust at the boy.
“You…” the boy growled. He had forgotten about the angel he’d shoved, who now
backed away quietly and slowly. “Appa? You dare to show your fucking face to
me?”
“Kicking you out on your ass was the best decision I ever made. I’m here to
watch you fail yet again. I’ll never tire of watching you lose at life…your
distress amuses me.”
“Do you know what I had to become out there?” He stalked the man in the corner.
“Do you know how many dicks your son had to suck and take? How many ‘jobs’ I
took on? Do you even give a shit that I’m a fucking addict?”
"Why would I? You are nothing to me…” he picked leisurely at a perfectly
manicured nail, “…you’re no son of mine.”
“Miwohaeyo!" he yelled, shaking in anger. "Now, I won’t hold myself back…” The
boy screamed and then charged his father.
                                     *****
Taehyung was very afraid. He pressed himself as closely to the wall as
possible, quietly sliding himself along it. He watched as the boy attacked the
wall, yelling obscenities and wailing. It was obvious that the boy was
suffering from delusions; it was yet another symptom he read about online. The
most important thing was making sure that John didn’t hurt himself. He didn’t
care if he himself were injured; John was more important.
He moved stealthily along the wall, glad that John’s attention was focused on
whatever hallucination he was experiencing. A wet smack sounded with every
punch the boy threw at the wall. Taehyung noticed blood on the wall; he was
certain the boy’s knuckles had split open. He carefully closed the distance,
eyes trained on the boy.
His rage was dissipating; he was sobbing and his punches slowed. Taehyung
peeled himself from the wall and approached the boy. “John?” he called out,
apprehension lacing his voice.
The boy froze. He sluggishly spun to face Taehyung, physically and emotionally
spent. “H-he’s gone. I made him go away.” Taehyung held out his arms and John
blindly walked into them, embracing the boy as he cried into his shoulder. He
patted him and rubbed small, comforting circles into his back. “I don’t have to
see him again. Ever.”
“Shhh…it’ll all be okay.”
“I told him not to come back, but I want you to stay.”
“Okay. Whatever you want….whatever you need.”
He led the boy back to the bed and tucked him in. He grabbed a first aid kit
from the bathroom and treated John’s arm and knuckles; the wounds weren’t as
bad as he expected. John studied him closely, his gaze making Taehyung
uncomfortable. “You are real, right?”
“I am.”
“If you were my hallucination your hair would be red.”
“Why is that?”
“It’s my favorite color.”
“Hmmmm…..” Taehyung laid the first aid kit on the floor and took a seat on the
bed. “You should rest. It’s been a long day and you haven’t been sleeping well.
I’ll be over at the desk if you need me.” V stood up to leave, but the boy
weakly grabbed his wrist.
“No. Stay here…stay with me.”
Taehyung blushed. “If that’s what you want.”
The boy scooted over to make room. “It is. Stay with me. Sing to me, please.”
“Okay.” He climbed into the bed and wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling
his back close to his own chest. And he sang:
     Sleep, my child, and peace attend thee,
     All through the night;
     Guardian angels God will send thee,
     All through the night;
     Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
     Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
     I my loving vigil keeping,
     All through the night.
     While the moon her watch is keeping,
     All through the night;
     While the weary world is sleeping,
     All through the night;
     O'er thy spirit gently stealing,
     Visions of delight revealing,
     Breathes a pure and holy feeling,
     All through the night.
Taehyung could feel the boy’s gentle breathing against his arms. “My Eomma sang
this one to me a lot as well. And I would sing it to someone I loved a lot when
he had trouble sleeping.” He sighed into the top of Jungkook’s head, relieved
that he was okay. He pressed a kiss into the boy’s hair, not even realizing he
had done so.
“You’ll be fine. You’ll be okay.”
“mmmMMMmm…” the boy mumbled groggily. “Where…wings?”
“Huh?”
“V….”
“You don’t have to call me that anymore now that you can speak. It’s Taehyung.
Kim Taehyung.” But the boy was already snoring.
Day 7:
“You been shirking your responsibilities, Taehyung. It’s been a week since
you’ve been to your home. Where are you?”
Taehyung hands shook slightly as he removed his glasses and squeezed the bridge
of his nose. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he spoke
softly.
“I’m sorry, Grandfather. I’ve been locked in the library preparing for the new
semester. I want to bring pride to our family name.”<
“Lies….”
Taehyung inhaled sharply. Instead of following up with more lies, he
immediately offered, “I’m sorry again, Grandfather. I assume I’ve disappointed
you as usual.”
“Yes, you have. Have you forgotten that my eyes and ears have no limit? There
is nowhere you can go that will shield your movements from me. I know exactly
where you’ve been and who you’ve been there with, Taehyung.”
“I’m sorry, Grandfather.”
“And have you already gathered how I will collect recompense?”
Taehyung felt tears running down his cheeks as he gulped, “Yes, Grandfather.”
“Good. Tonight. I expect you in an hour, the same time as our usual
meetings…don’t be late.” The old man hung up without even saying goodbye.
Taehyung put away his cellphone, turning his attention back to the raven-haired
boy asleep on the bed. He was no longer shaking or sweating. The purple bruises
under his eyes were just beginning to fade since he was getting more rest now.
He could tell that the boy was sleeping peacefully for once, and he had a
feeling that he would finally be able to hold down his food. Things were
finally looking up.
He gathered his things—textbooks, laptop, chargers, backpack, and cat
plushie—before standing over the boy once more. He knew it would be days before
he set foot in the room again. Hopefully, John would be able to take care of
himself until then. “Rest well and eat what I prepared when you wake up, okay?
I’ll be back as soon as I can, John. I gave you my word, so I won’t leave you
behind.” He gave the boy a light kiss, feeling something tugging at his
heartstrings as he did so.
With a heavy heart, he dragged himself to the door and left.
Day 8:
After over eighteen hours of uninterrupted slumber, Jungkook awoke to sunlight
streaming through the window. For the first time in a long time, he felt
completely lucid. He glanced around the empty room…it was too quiet. Broken
memories flooded him as he recalled hallucinations of his father and an
angel…or had that part been a dream? He looked down at his bandaged knuckles
and forearm. What in the hell had happened? How many days had he been out of
it?
He stood gingerly, vertigo hitting him so strongly that he had to grip a nearby
chair to remain upright. He took slow careful steps to bathroom. He relieved
himself first, then washed his hands and face. As he brushed his teeth, the
studied himself in the mirror. He noticed that color was returning to his face
and the bruises under his eyes were yellowing, finally healing. He smiled at
his reflection. He felt like taking a shower. He wanted to be clean.
After showering, he dressed in loose, warm clothing and towel dried his hair.
His stomach rumbled as he was hit with a hunger pang so strong he couldn’t
stand. He plopped down on the bed and grabbed his pillow and removed the
pillowcase. He unzipped the pillow to shake out his wallet and cellphone. As he
searched for pizzerias that delivered, he noticed a large wrapped plate sitting
on the desk. Curious, he unwrapped it. It was a sub, stuffed with turkey,
cheese, and vegetables. On the side were various peeled and sliced fruits, two
single-sized bags of almonds, and one Hershey’s kiss. When had he prepared
this?
He grabbed the chocolate first and unwrapped it at warped speed, popping it
into his mouth moaning as it melted on his tongue. He then carried the tray to
his bed and ate heartily. He had rounded the bend…he was well on his way to
okay. He had made it through the worst part, now he just had to ignore that
whisper of need (because he still wanted to use) for the next few days until it
went away. He knew it would never leave him completely, but he was no longer
going to allow that need to control him again.
Day 9:
The room felt so wrong for some reason, so empty. It was too quiet. It was
lonely. Jungkook recalled strong, warm arms wrapping around him and dulcet
melodies lulling him to sleep. The angel he had dreamed of haunted him…he
wished he could will him into existence. He wanted to hear him talk, to be fed
by him, to lay against his chest or in his lap. He wanted his angel back, so he
slept nearly the entire day. Try as he might, he was unable to call the angel
into his dreams.
Day 10:
Jungkook waited at the front desk as the girl worked on closing out his
account. He had awoken with an urge to leave it and never come back. He was
almost at full strength, feeling healthier and more at peace than he had in a
long time. He leaned his large frame against the wood, eyes wandering to study
the other guests who were lingering about. He saw a shock of red from the
corner of his eye; a tall, lanky boy had just entered the room. Their eyes
locked and the redhead beamed at him.
He held his breath as the boy approached in what seemed like slow motion, sun-
kissed skin glowing, perfect white teeth gleaming. He could feel his heart
racing, pounding painfully against his chest. Finally, they were face to face.
This was bad. This was very bad.
The redhead nervously ran his fingers through his hair, eyes pointed to the
floor. He was shy and cute; Jungkook was already beginning to question his
newly reinstated rule about not ‘servicing’ men he found attractive. The boy
finally looked up with a lovely dusting of pink across his cheeks, smiling and
fidgeting with his fingers as he began, “It’s good to finally see you up and
around—“
Jungkook finally exhaled, and then cut him off. “Look, I don’t know what you’ve
heard, but the person you’re looking for…that’s not me. I can’t help you, I’m
not him.”
“But—“
“No. I’m not him and I’m not interested.” The problem was that he was very
interested…too interested. “Now walk away before I start screaming and calling
you a pervert. I mean it, turn the fuck around and walk away.” Jungkook
threatened. He saw an internal struggle happening in the boy’s lovely brown
eyes before he tentatively reached out for Jungkook, who pressed himself back
into the desk. “Stop it, perv!” he yelled, panicking. All eyes in the lobby
turned towards them.
He watched as the boy’s face, neck, and ears burned red from embarrassment. His
arm dropped and his face fell. “O-okay then. Sorry.” He watched as the boy
hurried away, shoulders drooping and eyes never leaving the floor.
He tore his eyes away from the sad picture the boy made as he left, turning
back to the lady at the front desk. He needed to check out and quickly. He was
too tempted to chase the boy down and throw his arms around him. He was just
Jungkook’s type and this was definitely the wrong time to try and pursue
anything romantic with anyone…especially someone who was obviously engineered
to suit Jungkook’s tastes, even down to his shocking red hair. He made a mental
note to make himself forget this encounter ever happened.
6 months later…
Taehyung sat at the bar watching the boy dance. He had been following John
around for months now. He made sure he was never seen by sticking to the
shadows or keeping as much distance between them as possible. He just couldn’t
help himself. He had made a promise to the boy, even though said boy didn’t
remember. He couldn’t leave him alone, not after he had given his word to come
back.
He knew that John was a prostitute; he had been skeptical when the boy had
yelled it out during their time together in the hotel room. Now that he knew it
wasn’t a part of some delusion it still didn’t bother him in the slightest. He
had no room to judge. Besides, there was no hiding the innocence and
vulnerability in the boy’s eyes; he did what he did because he had to, not
because he liked it. He was still someone who needed protecting.
He had seen the boy work several times, always following him until he was sure
the boy was safe. He never stayed long enough to actually see what the boy did,
just long enough to make sure none of his clients overstepped their boundaries.
He made sure John wouldn’t be hurt before retreating to somewhere
nearby…waiting to see John emerge from whichever alley, office building, hotel
room, or club restroom unharmed.
He sometimes followed the boy during the day too. Several times the boy would
visit this abandoned house that was somehow always teeming with activity. A man
with a gun sat on the stoop as if he were guarding it. He would follow John
there and watch him pace back and forth outside, seemingly struggling to decide
whether to go in on not. Every time John would decide to walk away, an internal
shout of triumph would ring through Taehyung’s body and he would be overcome
with pride.
He refocused on the boy whose body screamed eroticism as he enticingly circled
his hips, running his hands all over his body sensually and smirking at several
entranced onlookers. He was transmitting his skills and a lot of people were
taking notice. Taehyung’s hands tightened around the glass he held, not
understanding the emotions flaring up within. He wanted to run out onto the
dance floor and yank the boy away from all those greedy observers. He wanted to
take him home and lock everyone else out…lock the whole world out so that it
was just the two of them. He didn’t understand why he had those inclinations,
and he was too scared to delve any deeper.
Alarm bells went off in his head as he saw Brad, a wealthy rugby goon who
graced the local sports section regularly, approach John. He slammed his glass
down, glaring as the pair danced a little too closely. He took deep breaths
trying to calm himself…he had no right to be angry. John did this every night,
right? He should be okay with it by now. It was just…something about Brad.
He had heard rumors, things about the sports star not knowing that no means no.
There were all kinds of stories about girls and boys he had…gone too far with.
Against their will. And he got away with it every time because his father was
some high powered judge with too many political connections. This could be a
very bad thing; John might really be in danger.
He locked onto the pair as they danced and gasped in shock when he saw John
leading him away. He leapt from his seat and followed. He just had to be sure
that the boy would be okay…he just had to be sure. He followed them out into
the night.
Chapter End Notes
     So, a lot happened. Things you may have missed:
     -Jungkook reminds Taehyung of Yoongi...it's the only reason he
     decided to help. He also mentions how similar they are in Chapter 18.
     -In chapter 15 when Jungkook introduced himself by full name, Tae's
     eyes lit up because he had been calling Jungkook "John" for the last
     six months; he was happy to finally know his true name.
     -Taehyung dyed his hair red just because it's Jungkook's favorite
     color.
     -Taehyung promised to take care of Jungkook and never leave
     him...this is one of the reasons he has been so generous, supportive,
     and understanding throughout the Jungkook chapters.
     -Taehyung has feelings for Jungkook already, but doesn't recognize it
     because he's only ever felt that feeling with Yoongi. He is very
     inexperienced.
     -Jungkook's sleep never lasted for longer than a couple of hours at a
     time, sometimes mere minutes. He is disoriented and confused almost
     the entire time and thinks that he is dreaming.
     -In chapter 15, Jungkook's feelings of familiarity are because he
     remembers Taehyung from before, he just doesn't make the connection
     that Tae is V.
     -shibal sheki/son of shit; chang-nyeo/whore or slut; Miwohaeyo/I hate
     you
     -'Baby Mine" and 'All Through the Night' are the lullabies Tae sings.
     Yoongi has always had trouble sleeping, so Tae sang to him.
***** Hindsight is 20/20 *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook unintentionally makes things worse; Taehyung is very
     perceptive, especially when it concerns the people he loves.
     Next Up: Chapter 28 - Nothing Has Ever Felt Like This/Reunited and It
     Feels So Good
     Taegi goes on their official first date; they catch each other up on
     their 10 years apart.
Chapter Notes
     Happy Wednesday! A week between updates seems so long! Ah...I can't
     wait for you guys to read the Taegi date. It's part adorable part
     heartbreaking. See you guys next Wednesday.
     Thank you to those who have stuck around and to the newcomers who
     stumble into this angsty, frustrating trap as I update. I'm so happy
     you chose to read my crap and I'm proud that I'm actually
     entertaining you. It's such an honor. I will try not to disappoint.
     Thanks for the kudos and the comments...I absolutely live for them.
     ;)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Why does he have to be so much better than me? Gorgeous. Rich. Selfless.
Compassionate. Friendly. Intelligent. Generous. Warm. Forgiving. Ridiculously
fucking understanding. How fucking annoying! It’s bad enough that he knows
about my addiction, but now I have to suffer with the knowledge that he is the
one who cleaned my pissy and shitty sheets when I went through withdrawals. He
changed out my vomit buckets and saw me talking to things that weren’t there.
Fucking great.
The entire time I have known him, he has been taking care of me like I am some
helpless idiot…it isn’t until this moment that I realize I actually am a
helpless idiot. And a loser. And an asshole…a violent asshole. Useless. And of
course, beneath him. I can never catch up to him. I will never be good enough
for him.
I shit my bed, he changes the sheets. I suck dicks in alleys, he waits nearby
to make sure I’m safe. I struggle with addiction, he finds me a counselor. I
need a job, he finds me two. I want to go to school, he moves me in so I can
save money. I slap the fuck out of him in anger, and he tells me he loves me.
Either he is too good to be true and I can never measure up to him, never be
worthy of him; or he is a fucking psychopath. Either way, I can’t stand to see
his face right now. Not after hitting him. Not after finding out he saw me like
that. Not when this knowledge makes me feel like the piece of shit I am. I
can’t see anything beyond my own shame, so I do the only thing I can do…I run.
“Jungkook, please wait! Kookie!”
I ignore him calling my name as I run out of the room, emotions eating away at
me as I escape. I take the stairs on a whim, knowing that if Tae does follow me
he’ll think I took the elevator. My mind is working overtime as I speed down
floor by floor. Images of Tae’s face inundate my brain…I want to turn it off,
but I can’t. I see him shocked with his hand on his cheek, tears threatening to
leak from his eyes. Even if it was only for a second, I see him afraid…of me.
That face alone is enough to halt me. I scared him. I hurt him. I hurt Tae.
I fall to my knees in the stairwell, halfway between the third and fourth
floors and weep. I see his face when I refused to apologize. I see his face
when I called him selfish. The tears won’t stop now. I pushed him and I pushed
him again. I shook him. I hurt him. I had hurt him and there was no way he
should forgive someone like me. I stay in the stairwell and I cry for hurting
the one person who has bent over backwards for me; who ignored every bad thing
about me and stayed close even when he found nothing good. He had his love back
now though, and I had just proved to him that he didn’t have a reason to stay
with me. We were never meant to be together in the first place because to him,
I am only someone to be pitied, not loved.
I wasn’t ready to hear him out, not yet. I wasn’t ready to understand what any
of this meant. He reunited with his perfect Min Yoongi, the love of his life.
Meanwhile I am a total fuck up with nothing to offer and I cause him nothing
but trouble. Finding out that he had seen me like that...looking like death
rolled in shit and strung out to the point that I couldn’t distinguish reality
from fantasy? Not only that, but he had followed me around for months. He saw
every trick I turned, every john whose dick I sucked. He’d seen it all… how
would I ever face him again? I couldn’t…I wouldn’t. I already knew what he
would say. I knew what he would do…and it hurt, fuck, it hurt so much.
I leave the stairwell and head for the elevators. Immense pressure builds in my
head and chest as I get on and press for the lobby. I feel like someone has
punched their hand through me and is simultaneously squeezing my brain and my
heart. I feel billions of pin pricks beneath my skin, and I shudder as the urge
to use wrestles me into submission. I forget everything else except for the
need. I don’t care what it is. Weed, cocaine, pills…anything; I need to score
and fast before I could talk myself out of it. It’s the only way I can have
peace, even if only for a few hours. Until I can handle it all. I have to use.
I hop off of the elevator as soon as the doors open and stumble my way through
the hallway and the lobby, eventually finding myself in the casino surrounded
by drunks and gamblers. There was no way I would find what I am looking for
here. Alcohol would just be a tease and the only real addiction in here was to
machines and games. This is no good. I flee the hotel completely.
I wander the strip, searching blindly for any clue of where I could find what I
need and come up empty. After about thirty minutes or so, I notice a group of
people duck down a nearby side street to nowhere. I look up and see a
sign…”Stratosphere,” I murmur to myself. “Score.” I hurry to follow them.
There are several smaller groups huddled up and down the small street.
Jackpot…this is the spot. I quickly scan the space and notice a lone guy
leaning against the wall deeply inhaling from his e-cig. I avoid the huddles
not wanting to interfere in anybody else’s dealing, keeping my head down and
avoiding eye contact as I make my way over to the guy. There is no hesitation
as I take a spot on the wall right next to him.
The guy looks over at me, exhaling. The scent of cotton candy wafts to my face
and I breathe in deeply. It is nice. He offers his e-cig and I graciously
accept, taking a deep inhale before passing it back. I let the vapors fill my
lungs, releasing slowly as I feel a head rush. He smiles at me before taking
another tug. “Holding?” I ask.
“Scrips, white, loud,” he answered, exhaling.
“White. A trio.” By now, my heart is racing and I feel my hands shake with
anticipation at the thought of finally getting to use.
“Buck eighty.”
I nod almost enthusiastically, hands going to my pockets to grab my wallet…all
I came out with was my hotel keycard and a few twenties. “Fuck!” I yell in
frustration. Eyes fly up all around me and I gesture an apology; everybody goes
back to their business, though I find a few wary glances directed my way. I
ease in a bit closer to the guy. “Left my fucking wallet in the room.”
“No biggie…I’ll be around.” He winks at me before walking away.
I chase him, grabbing onto his arm; he jerks away. “But I need this. Bad.
Really bad.”
“You have enough for one.”
“One isn’t nearly enough.”
The man raises an eyebrow. “You got something to trade?”
“Only one thing…” I offer suggestively. The need is too strong; I had lost
control just that easily.
The man smiles. “Let’s talk.” He wraps an arm around my waist, and I lean
against him as he leads me out of the alley.
                                     *****
I wake up on thin, itchy sheets drenched in sweat, belly covered in dried
semen...I didn’t know if it was mine or his. I feel boneless and my muscles
ache. I hurt everywhere, but the fire blazing in my ass is the worst of it.
I drag myself out of ‘Mr. No Names Please’s’ arms and pull myself into a
sitting position. My foot steps on something wet and sticky…the discarded
condom from earlier. I groan in annoyance as I shake it off, stand, and
stretch, wincing as sharp pains shoot up my lower back.
The cheap alarm clock next to the bed blares 5:33; it has been hours since I
fled the room. This is who I am. This is who I have been pretending not to be.
A slut. A whore. Scum. I make my way to the shower and clean myself, almost
robotically, as the events from earlier replayed in my head. I distinctly
remember doing a line off of his hard penis while laughing and then swallowing
him whole. I remember riding him as he fucked up into me, gripping my hips so
hard I feared they would bleed. I remember being thrown face down and fucked so
thoroughly that I did bleed. I remember lying on my back and calling out
Taehyung’s name, clutching a pillow to my face as No Names Please stroked me
over the edge and hammered into me; this makes me cry. “How did it come to
this?” I ask the emptiness. No one replies.
It takes less than five minutes for me to dry off, get dressed, and get the
fuck out of there. I don’t even remember how he looks, so there’s no need to
tell him goodbye. I break into a run even though it hurts like hell, trying to
put as much space between me and No Names Please as possible. He reminds me how
much of a disgusting, worthless piece of shit I am. A junkie whore. Gutter
trash. I am nothing. I run until my lungs threaten to burst from overexertion.
I roam the streets, wandering aimlessly along the strip and dreading facing
Taehyung again. There would be no coming back from this one. Not only had I
fucked somebody else, but I had used. I sold myself for a few grams of coke and
he would never forgive me for it. I was already so unworthy, so beneath him;
this would be the final nail in the coffin of our non-existent relationship…our
friendship. I would lose him before I get him…that is, if I tell him.
Thinking about everything now that I was calmer, maybe I should have stayed. If
I had listened to him instead of being a coward, talked things through, maybe
this could have ended differently. Maybe, it isn’t too late. He tried to make
me stay, and I had run out on my own. I didn’t even give him the chance to
throw me out; what if he really didn’t want me to leave in the first place?
And it’s not like I have to tell him, right? He made it more than clear that we
weren’t a couple yet and had even encouraged me to date other people. Sure, he
had asked me not to be with anyone else almost immediately afterwards, but
still, even now we aren’t committed. He had kissed that Yoongi asshole, hadn’t
he? He even admitted that he is still in love with the guy. At least I hadn’t
betrayed him in my heart.
I feel myself relaxing a bit. What Tae doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I will just
keep this whole incident to myself and go back to face him. I ran out in a
panic without even trying to understand his reason for telling me about meeting
me before. I had been too obsessed by my embarrassment and feelings of
inadequacy to hear him out. I owe him the chance to explain.
Somehow I end up standing at the front entrance of our hotel just as I had
decide to be brave and go back; I guess my feet knew that I needed to give him
that chance as well. I steel myself, locking away the last five hours in my
mental vault, and enter the hotel.
                                     *****
The sight of him made me lose my breath and my train of thought. A loose, white
thin sweater with glittering flecks of silver threading clung to his golden
shoulders, well-placed cut-outs showcasing a hint of perfect collarbone. Tight,
black skinny jeans clung to his legs, supple thighs and ass on display. Silver
jewelry gleamed on his fingers, in his ears, and on his fingers and silver
headband held his flaming hair back from covering his eyes. I stood there
slack-jawed and drooling at the sight of him as he paced back and forth, deep
in concentration.
He nervously fiddled with his fingers, biting his already plump, red lip, and
pacing as he mumbled under his breath. He was so focused on worrying about me
that he didn’t even see me.
“Tae.”
He halted abruptly, almost stumbling over his own feet. “Kookie…” he sighed,
lip quivering. The look he gave me murdered any chance of me not thinking about
what I had done. He looked so afraid, so upset that I couldn’t help feeling
like the jerk I was. But I would never tell him. Never. “Kookie.” And he ran to
me, throwing his arms around me. “You came back. You didn’t leave me.”
“How could I ever, Tae?” He buried his face in my chest and I nuzzled into his
neck, inhaling his scent. “I wouldn’t. I just needed…space.”
“I’m sorry for everything that happened earlier.”
“Me too. And I’m sorry for hitting you.” I gently grazed the bruised area. “It
was a childish reaction and I wanted to apologize right away, but…I was just so
angry. I’m sorry for everything, Tae.” In my mind, I included the whole
sleeping with No Names Please and binging on cocaine thing in my list of
offenses. “I’m sorry for leaving without letting you explain why you finally
told me about our first meeting. I was too embarrassed that you had seen me
that way. It took me this long to work up the nerve to see you again.” I kissed
him before stepping out of his embrace. “I’m ready to hear you out now.”
He stared at me intently with his head cocked, a question on his lips, but I
didn’t falter under his gaze. “Good,” he finally said. “I thought it was pretty
clear why, but if I caused you to be confused I’m sorry.”
I chuckled uncomfortably, putting some space between us. “I really thought V
was just a dream or a hallucination.” He watched me suspiciously, but I had no
idea why. “This whole time…you never told me. Why?” I pleaded. “Why didn’t you
tell me? You could have said something that first night...the night you saved
me.”
“Kookie, I just didn’t know how to. Like, what exactly was I supposed to say
when we met again? Especially under those circumstances. ‘Hi, I’m Taehyung and
you thought I was an angel while you were going through withdrawals and I’ve
been stalking you for six months because I can’t seem to get you out of my
head’…yeah, that wouldn’t have been awkward at all. Besides, you had been
through so much that night already.”
I rolled my eyes at him. Shit-covered, vomiting, hallucinating, dick sucking,
drug addicted, and homeless me didn’t bother him in the slightest, didn’t give
him pause. He was more worried that I would think he was stalking me, that he
would weird me out. He was embarrassed, and I was a fucking numbskull coward
cheat. “What about after, then? You’ve had so many chances to be honest and
tell me.”
“How would it have helped things, Kookie? You were dealing with so much.”
“I would have known.”
“But you know now. And the reason why I told you is because I love you. There
is no way in hell I would have gone through any of that, or any of the shit
that followed if I didn’t love you, Jungkook. That is why I finally confessed.
Yes, I do love Yoongi, but you can’t deny my love for you. Not now.”
I turned away from him, guilt twisting my insides into knots. “It was really
you.” I plopped down on the bed, suppressing a grunt of discomfort, glancing
quickly at Taehyung to see if he had noticed. I couldn’t tell if he had. I sat
there not knowing how to respond to what I had just heard. He loved me in spite
of who I was back then, loved me still. Falling apart, sleeping with No Names
Please, the drugs…it was all for nothing. I didn’t know how to feel. “Brown
hair and glasses back then, but you were there.”
“Yeah...I was. I stayed with you for as long as I could…Grandfather found out,
of course. I had to leave you for a few days.” I winced inwardly; I had been
the cause of one of his punishments. I am shit. “When I was finally…uh…well
enough to return, you were checking out at the front desk…”
Temporarily forgetting my inner lamentations, I slapped my forehead in
disbelief at his words. “Oh, my god. It was you! The redhead in the lobby!”
Taehyung nodded.
“Yeah. You didn’t exactly give me a chance to speak.”
“I’m sorry for that, Tae. I thought you were trying to…um…solicit services. But
I was instantly attracted to you so I pushed you away. I would never take on a
customer I could potentially fall for, so I kind of acted like a jerk to get
you to leave.” I am beneath shit.
“Ah…” He sat next to me. “It all makes sense now.”
I stood, pacing in spite of the sharp twinge in my bottom. “Tae, do you know
what this means?” I looked at him wildly, consumed wild hope that everything
would work out. “Do you get it?”
He stood, clearly afraid. “Honestly, Jungkookie I don’t know what to think.
Your emotions are all over the place and I can’t tell whether you want to hug
me or punch me. I just wanted to prove to you that I do love you and care about
you. That’s all.” I advanced towards him, he took a few steps away from me.
My hands shook as I approached him. “Kim Taehyung…” His eyes were wide as he
backed away slowly, hands out in front. “You absolute idiot! You don’t
understand anything.” I watched as his feet tangled in the sheets still piled
on the floor and he went down. I shook my head, unable to laugh at his comical
fall, still moving towards him. I carefully straddled him, disregarding the
agony of squatting, and took a seat on his abdomen while glaring down at him.
“Kookie, I’m sorry. Really I am. I didn’t want you to think I was just some
obsessed freak who was following you around.” I grabbed his hands and pinned
them above his head as he tried to explain. “I didn’t understand what my
feelings were back then—“
“Shut up.” I could tell he was fighting to keep his mouth closed. I tried to
block out the screaming in my head. “I cannot believe I fell in love with such
a fool.” I saw hurt flash in his eyes. “And I can’t believe you fell in love
with a dumbass.” I had been stupid. I had fucked up royally, but I was finally
ready to accept what Taehyung had finally told me...why he told me. “You love
me, you idiot. You really love me. I’ve been questioning how you feel this
entire time. Doubting myself whenever I allowed myself to believe that you
possibly loved me back. And then this Min Yoongi mess happened and I thought
for sure…” I shook my head as he stared up at me puzzled. “If you had told me
sooner, I would have known. I wouldn’t have doubted you so much.” I looked down
at him lovingly, before my features contorted from the pain of knowing what I
had done. I clamped down on my inner turmoil and focused on him. “I wouldn’t
have been so stupid. I wouldn’t have acted without thinking…I wouldn’t have
acted at all!”
“Kookie…what are you talking about? Are you okay?”
I placed a finger to his lips, silencing him. “I wouldn’t have questioned
myself so much. It all makes sense now, why I felt so close to you and why I
was so trusting of you when we first met officially. How I just knew that you
would never hurt me…” I replaced my finger with my lips. I felt the anxiety
leave his body as he exhaled into my mouth. “Now I know why.” I let my tears
fall freely. The guilt was clawing me up inside, and it took mental strength I
didn’t know I possessed to hold in the truth.
“You’re not mad at me?”
“Yes, I am. You made me worry unnecessarily and I acted rashly. I hit you
though I promised to take care of you. I hurt you with my words instead of
protecting you.” I slept with someone else. I used again. I don’t deserve you.
I’ll never be good enough for you.
“You don’t hate me?” he asked hopefully. He broke free of my hold and wiped the
tears from my face.
I gave him a soft, genuine smile. “Taehyungie, I could never hate you.
Especially now.” I hate myself.
He looked at me quizzically. “Jungkook, what’s happening in that head of yours?
What’s wrong?”
I’m wrong. “Nothing, babe. I just love you so much, that’s all.” Everything’s
wrong. And I’m so sorry.
“I’m getting whiplash here. I don’t know whether to be concerned or to pull you
in for another kiss.”
I hugged him, dying slowly as he snuggled into my neck. “Tae, you saw me at my
absolute worst. You took care of me like no one has ever done before. You fed
me, cared for me, patched me up when I needed it. You defied your grandfather
and he punished you, but you still came back for me. For me, a strung out,
useless junkie whore.” I don’t deserve you.
“I’ve never seen you the way you see yourself, Kookie. That’s not what I see
when I look at you.”
“I know that now.” I fought a sob into submission. “You came back. You saved
me. You moved me into your home. You made me want to be a better man.”
“And you are a better man through your own efforts. It has nothing to do with
me.”
I shook my head in disagreement. “It has everything to do with you, hyung.
Everything I’ve done is for you…because of you.”
“It shouldn’t be for me, Jungkook. It should be for yourself. You should want
more for yourself, expect better of yourself.”
“You love me…and you’ll love me no matter what I do or the stupid decisions I
make. I see that now.”
He looked at me, confusion clouding his eyes. “For the rest of my life. Even
though things are complicated and Yoongi-hyung is back in my life, that won’t
change. I don’t know yet who I want to be with, but know that I love you just
as much as I love him. I’m not taking my decision lightly. I’m going to put all
of my effort into making the best choice for me. No matter who I end up with, I
will always love you and you will always be my best friend.”
“I don’t even deserve that. I’m so lucky…I don’t know how I had forgotten it,
but I’m lucky to have your love.” Before he could argue, I kissed him
senseless. “I love you, Kim Taehyung. And I’m going to give you all the space
you need to figure things out. I was being selfish and childish before. I
fucked up and lost myself for a minute, but your Kookie is back now. I’ll
support whatever you decide. Even if you choose to be with him, I’ll be right
there. We’ll always be together, whether I’m your lover or your friend.”
He grinned. “Thank you. This takes some of the pressure off of me. Hurting
you…it’s the last thing I ever want to do. You know that, right?”
“Now that I’m thinking clearly, I do. I know you would never hurt me, not
intentionally.”
“Good.” He squeezed me tightly as I let my full weight fall upon him. “I love
you, Jeon Jungkook.”
“I love you, too, Kim Taehyung.”
We lay there in silence holding on to each other, his face buried into my neck.
He began to squirm after a few minutes of bearing the brunt of my weight, so I
begrudgingly rolled until I was next to him.
“Kookie…I promised Yogi-hyung—“
“Your cat?”
“No…Yoongi-hyung, the man.” His eyes lit up and I wanted nothing more than to
throttle the little pale demon called Min Yoongi. But I had no right to be
jealous when I myself cheated. “I couldn’t pronounce his name very well when I
was younger and called him Yogi. The cat plushie is named after him because
they have the same expression.” He smiled brightly.
I suddenly hated that damned plushie, but all I said was, “Oh.”
“I promised I would meet him for dinner at 7.”
I took in his appearance again; apparently he had put forth a lot of effort to
look nice for Yoongi. I was a little bit jealous because he looked so fucking
good. “Is that why you look so fuckable?” I teased. This was my chance to make
things right between us. If I could even for a few minutes make him forget what
had happened, make myself forget all I had done, the discomfort would be worth
it.
I watched the blush creep across his cheeks. “I look fuckable, Kookie? Me?” he
asked, shyly.
“To me, always.” I pulled him close and nestled his chest. “Mmmmm….you look too
good, Tae,” I breathed into his ear before taking his lobe into my mouth,
biting gently and lapping at his piercings. “I don’t know if I can let you go
to him looking like this.” I lifted his chin, holding it between my index
finger and thumb. His eyes were shining brightly, but there was a question
hidden there as he smiled meekly at me. I ignored it, trying to focus on making
him feel good. I wanted to erase the last six hours from my mind and I didn’t
need drugs to do it this time. Tae…all I needed was Tae. “I hope you don’t mind
if I dirty you up a bit.” I traced his bottom lip gently with the pad of my
thumb; his eyes closed in pleasure. Had they remained open he would have seen
my expression falter; he would have seen my anguish and guilt. He deserved so
much better than someone like me.
“Jungkook…” he mumbled. I climbed on top, pressing into him. “Kookie.” He said
my name with surety, like it was something final. A statement. How had I missed
that before? How had I ever doubted him? I gripped his hair and harshly pulled
it back, making his neck arch painfully, but providing the perfect opening for
me to attack.
I pounced on his warm, waiting mouth, moaning the moment I met his soft, sweet,
plump lips. I ran my tongue along his perfectly-pink bottom protuberance,
silently beseeching him to open up for me. He acquiesced, allowing me to
capture his tongue. I sucked and slurped, knowing that it had to be bordering
on painful for Tae; he didn’t complain or shy away. My head spun from the taste
of mint mixed with strawberry lip gloss. He held me tighter and began to writhe
against me. I traced the entirety of his wet cavern with my tongue, leaving not
one area of his mouth unexplored. I wanted to lay claim to all of it. I wanted
to write my name on it.
Our tongues and teeth clashed against each other and I tightened my grip in his
hair, yanking back ruthlessly. He cried out and I swallowed it, desire dulling
the pain of his contortion. I delved even deeper, wishing that I could climb
inside. Tae’s hands cupped my ass, encouraging me to meet his groin as he
bucked up. I tried like hell to ignore the sharp pain and the dull burn from my
earlier adventure as he kneaded the flesh there; I couldn’t stop the tears from
falling. Once I had gotten past the pain, grinding into him as he pushed into
me, his hands traveled to my hips. He continued to buck against me as I
reluctantly left the sweetness of his mouth and abused his neck. I was dead set
on leaving a mark there. I felt his fingers graze the sensitive skin right
beneath my waistband and shivered. I was just latching onto him, preparing for
a hard suck when his fingertips pressed hard into my hipbones and I cried out
loudly in pain…everything abruptly halted.
“Jungkook-ah,” he spoke. He studied my face and saw the tears there; suddenly I
couldn’t meet his eyes. “Did I hurt you?”
I scoffed. “No, of course not.” I painfully scrambled off of him and helped him
to his feet before moving far away from him. I batted away my tears with my
sleeve, not wanting him to see more fall. Apparently my ‘altercation’ with No
Names Please had left more than just a pain in my ass. The bastard had bruised
me. And Tae had unintentionally squeezed the shit out of them. So I stood there
ass flaring and hip bones throbbing, struggling to stay on my feet and fighting
to hold back tears.
“What’s wrong?” His gazed traveled from my stance to my waist and finally to my
eyes. He knows.
I looked down at my feet. “Nothing. I just don’t want to get worked up when
you’re about to leave.”
“Oh…okay.” Distractedly, he walked over and grabbed his phone from the charger
to check the time. “Ah, it really is time for me to leave.” He left the room
brusquely, I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom. When he came
back, he looked at me and I could see the gears turning in his head. “Kookie…I
don’t know if I have the right to ask or not, but where were you all day?”
I watched his face struggle to remain blank, but his eyes gave it all away. He
knows. I knew that he knew. But I was too much of a coward to say it out loud.
Saying it out loud would make it all real. I opened my mouth, and words tumbled
out. “Just walking around the strip. I lost track of time,” I lied, disguising
a limp as I made my way towards the huge window and stared out at the strip. I
was getting high…I let someone else fuck me.
“Oh, okay.” I heard him moving towards the door, and I listened as he opened
it. “Before I go, tell me…are we really okay, Jungkookie?”
“Better than okay.” I couldn’t face him, so I sadly watched his reflection in
the window.
“If we really were, Kookie,” he said as he stood in the doorway, “you wouldn’t
have to lie to me. I understand. Just…remember to always be safe,” he said
sadly. “And next time, wait and shower when you get back. You smell wrong.” I
could hear him choking up, but I was too much of a coward to face him. “And
remember to always brush your teeth after…I’d rather not taste him when we
kiss.”
I spun around just in time to see the door close behind him, before collapsing
into a miserable, pathetic, sobbing mess on the floor. His reaction was so much
worse than I expected. I wanted him to hit me, to yell at me, to call me every
bad name in the book. But he wasn’t angry with me, just sad. Hurt. Again, I had
hurt him; again he would forgive me. There was no doubt, he was just too good
for me; I didn’t deserve him.
Chapter End Notes
     Have you ever experienced someone showing you so much consideration
     that you began to doubt their intentions? I have, and it took forever
     to get past my insecurities. Jungkook is going through something like
     this right now.
     I hope you guys don't hate Kookie too much...he's really struggling
     with himself here. He's in self-destruct mode and doesn't even
     realize it. Don't beat him up too much, he's beating himself up
     plenty. Don't worry Taekook fans, this was his wake up call so now
     he's going to get his shit together and properly compete for Tae's
     heart.
     Can't wait to hear what my faithful readers think, lol. I absolutely
     love talking to you guys. See you soon in the comments. :)
***** Nothing Has Ever Felt Like This a.k.a. Reunited and It Feels So Good...
*****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi vows to be as cheesy as necessary to win Taehyung, even if it
     kills him. Taehyung reverts to his pre-shitstorm self. In other
     words, Taegi gets fluffy.
Chapter Notes
     Quick shoutout to my adorable, lovable confidence boosters:
     bangtanandtonic, smoshyphantrash, EmpyreanTae, Lety, Sarah, Chiona,
     and also yayernayer. When I say that I live for your comments...I
     mean it. Thank you for being so supportive and for being as invested
     in the characters as I am. Thank you to everyone who gave kudos,
     commented, or just clicked to see what it was about. I appreciate all
     of it. I promise to always give my best effort for you guys. Much
     love...<3
See the end of the chapter for more notes
It was 7:01. I found myself sprinting to the door when the doorbell finally
sounded. I threw open the door to find my Tae standing there, looking like the
living incarnation of a wet dream. I swallowed in discomfort; how in the fuck
did I luck up and land someone who looks like that? “Tae…baby.”
“My Yogi.” He stepped inside, right into my arms. “I missed you so much.”
I scoffed as if our time apart was nothing. “It’s only been hours, love.”
“Should I pretend that I didn’t hear you running to the door?” he asked,
eyebrow raised. I grinned gummily at him and shrugged, caught in my lie. “It’s
been too many hours, right hyung?” He leaned down and kissed me gently on the
lips.
“Hmmm…” I moaned into the soft kiss, completely blissed out. “Of course, you’re
right.” I looked into his eyes…something was wrong. I searched his face,
studying it closely. He had been crying…very recently, probably on his way up
to meet me. His left cheek was bruised...he had been hit. My fists clenched of
their own volition and I wanted to murder everything moving. But I knew better
than to try and drag information out of him, so I figured a distraction would
be best for the both of us. Then I would bring it up. “Come sit. There’s
someone who desperately wants to talk to you.” I pulled out my phone and
pressed 3, hitting the video icon. I looked over at Tae nervously shifting in
his seat, and smiled at him.
“Yoongi?” my mother spoke into the camera. I watch Tae perk up at the sound of
her voice.
“Eomma, as promised…” I pointed the camera towards a brightly smiling, excited
Tae. “…it’s our cutie, Tae-Tae!”
“Eomma Yun!” He grabbed the phone from my hand and kissed the screen. “It’s
really you!”
“Tae-baby! It’s really you…wait until I tell Seung Gi that we’ve finally found
you. Oh, you’ve grown into a man!” she cooed as she idiotically traced the
screen. I rolled my eyes at her antics. “So handsome and perfect. And red hair?
Aigoo, you look like an idol.”
“I should call you Noona because you look like you’re my age, Eomma Yun.” I
purposefully let out a loud, sarcastic bark of laughter; both Tae and Eomma
glared at me.
“See, Yoongi…” Tae pointed the screen directly at me. “…that is how you’re
supposed to treat your mother. You had better learn from Tae.” She pointed at
me angrily, scowling. “Why was I cursed with an idiot for a son? Tae, he’s such
a burden. Please take him on as a student.” Tae giggled happily, nodding and
clutching at his stomach. “I expect plenty of compliments from you in the very
near future, Yoongi.”
“You can expect all you want old lady, don’t mean you’re gonna get it.” I
scoffed, pushing the phone away playfully. Taehyung blew a raspberry at me and
stuck out his tongue; I laughed at him.
“Aish, such an ungrateful, grumpy little brat. So unlike my sweet, little
sunflower. I’ve been so worried about you. How have you been, honey? Have you
been taking care of yourself?”
Tears filled his eyes. “I’ve been trying. I missed you so much, Eomma Yun. It’s
been so lonely without you and my Yogi and Appa Seung Gi…I wish you were here
with us now,” he pouted at the screen.
“Oh, sweetie don’t worry. Eomma Yunnie is speeding towards you on our jet right
now. I’ll be there in the morning. I can’t wait to hug you and kiss you and
cook for you and spoil you rotten…” Taehyung squealed in delight, eyes squinted
and fighting to contain his joy. I felt my heart flutter at the sight.
“It’s not like you have a son already to do that stuff for, I guess,” I teased.
I leaned back, basking in the warmth of their reunion.
“Please, Yoongi. It’s been forever since you’ve let me do any of that stuff for
you. I haven’t been able to properly love on you since you hit middle school.
Plus, you’re kind of an asshole. But my cutie-pie Tae-baby would never turn me
away or be mean to me, right Tae-Tae?”
“Right, Eomma Yun! We can do whatever you want when you get here. I’ll do
anything as long as I get to do it with you!”
She raised an eyebrow, looking so much like me that I laughed. “Even let me
pinch your cheeks?”
“I wish you could do it through the phone!” I watched him put a cheek to the
phone and she pinched at the screen. They dissolved into giggles and I rolled
my eyes, knowing that Tae would be complaining within minutes of my mom’s
arrival. His cheeks were going to die.
“We’ll go shopping and go to restaurants. And take a lot of selfies.”
“We can go sightseeing and spend whole days together, just me and you Eomma
Yun! You can give me kisses and cuddles.”
“What the fuck, Tae?” I spoke up. “You’re just going to toss me aside to hang
around with some old hag? I can give you kisses and cuddles too. Mine are
better than some old lady’s.”
“Watch your mouth, brat! You’re not too old to lay across some old lady’s lap.”
“Or too big,” Tae laughed. “He’s still so tiny, Eomma Yun. I bet he hasn’t been
eating properly, has he?”
“You know it. He lives on caffeine and take out. And he goes for days without
sleeping.”
“I’m only an inch shorter than you, Tae,” I grumbled.
Taehyung giggled, and I inwardly cringed from the amount of cuteness. He was
too adorable for his own good. “And his words are just as dirty as ever…aish,
you have such a bad kid Eomma Yun. You should adopt me instead.”
“Or you could just marry that brat and I could finally be a proper mother to
you…” and at that she went quiet as Taehyung’s face fell. I hurriedly wrapped a
comforting arm around his shoulder.
I tried to do damage control. “Marriage, huh? Min Taehyung…has a nice ring to
it.” I squeezed him and kissed his cheek. “Should I call you hubby now?” Tae
smacked me lightly on the leg and buried his head in my shirt. “Don’t be
embarrassed, my shy, cute hubby.” I planted a smooch on the top of his head.
My mother smiled fondly at us. “Tae baby…I’m so sorry for saying that. You know
I would never try to replace my SoSo. I just love you so much…”
“It’s okay, Eomma Yun. You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything
wrong.” He looked up, smiling sadly. “Just hurry and get here, Eomma. I really
need you.” He made grabby hands at the camera.
She beamed, tears filling her eyes. “Oh, sweetheart. I can’t wait to get there
and see you for real. We have so much to catch up on.”
“I hope Yoongi-hyung won’t mind me stealing so much of your time, Eomma.”
“Same, kiddo.” And they grinned at each other…crisis averted.
I squeezed myself into the frame. “Now, are you satisfied?”
“Yes…I’m sorry for doubting you, but you know how I worry. Tae-baby, please
take good care of him. Make sure he eats well and sleeps.”
Taehyung saluted her. “Will do, Eomma. Please rest on your flight and get here
soon. I really won’t be happy until I get your cuddles. I’m dying here without
you!”
“Aw, my Tae-baby. You’re so cute! Yoongi, do the same for our darling. I love
you both so much…and Yoongi, don’t forget to take your meds.” Tae looked at me
questioningly, but I ignored him and gave her a stiff nod.
“Aish, stop worrying over me. Go, already. I want my husband all to myself
before you get here and steal him away. And tell Appa to wait until morning to
call please…Tae and I have a lot of catching up to do.”
“I understand.” She pouted. “But it’s not fair that you get to be with him
first when I knew him first. I saw him being born. SoSo squeezed my hand as he
came out. Shouldn’t I get to hug him first? Can’t you call off this dinner and
wait for me to—“
“I don’t care who met him first, he’s mine!” I possessively held him at my
side. “Back off, old lady.” Taehyung burst into laughter, curling into a ball
of happiness and I smiled lovingly at him. “You’ll get your turn when you get
here. A very short, supervised turn. Safe travels and all that stuff. Bye. I
love you.”
I watched my mother’s eyes widen in disbelief as she froze. Had it been that
long since I’d said something like that? Her tone softened again and she
replied almost dreamily, “I love you too, Yoongi. Bye! Bye Tae-Tae! I love you
both.” And she started blowing kisses at the screen.
“I love you too, Eomma Yun! Tell Appa Seung Gi I miss him too. And hurry to
me!” And he waved at the screen, both catching and returning her kisses. I
rolled my eyes at their sappiness and disconnected the call. I watched him
staring at the blank screen, face flushed and amused. Our eyes met and I
noticed a glint of mischief before he launched himself at me, wrapping his arms
around me tightly before peppering my face and neck with kisses. I laughed as
he assaulted me. “Thank you so much for that…I really needed a pick me up.” He
took a moment to focus on my mouth before licking and sucking at my bottom lip.
I held him in a death grip, matching him move for move and accepting all of his
affection happily. “I noticed when you first walked in.” I broke the kiss and
got us back into a proper sitting position. I asked gravely, “Ready to tell me
what happened now so I can stop this cheesy shit?”
“I like cheesy Yoongi though…” I made a mental note to be as sickeningly sweet
as possible without dying for the rest of our night. I would ooze cheese if it
made Tae happy. I watched as he fidgeted uncomfortably. “Jungkookie and I are
fighting…he slept with someone else.” He looked utterly traumatized. “He tried
to hide it, but I saw all the signs. The limp, the flinch when he sat, the
bruises on his hipbones, a funny taste when he kissed me, and he smelled like
he had just taken a shower. I don’t think he even realized there were bite
marks on the back of his neck. I gave him plenty chances to tell me the truth,
but he lied.”
I gingerly stroked his bruised jaw with shaky fingers, trying like hell to
contain my anger. “Did he do that to your cheek too?”
He didn’t have to answer. His eyes told me everything I need to know. “It
wasn’t his fault.”
Seeing him with that look on his face had all of my protective instincts
kicking into gear. “Room number.” I stood quickly, intending to go down there
and fuck him up for hurting my Tae. I would end him. I felt his timid grip on
my arm, pulling me back. “If you don’t tell me I can get it from the front
desk. I...I can’t let him live, Tae. You understand that I have to kill him
now, right?”
“I wouldn’t let you.” He coaxed me down next to him and swiftly clambered into
my lap; I locked him in with my arms. He wrapped his long legs around my waist
and pressed his forehead to mine. “We’d only get separated again if you did.”
He laughed sadly and my heart ached for him. “I have to take responsibility for
all of it, it really was my fault.”
“Are you nuts? Him hitting you is his fault, and his alone. There’s no excuse,
nothing in the world that you could say or do to me that would result in me
hitting you. He’s a jerk. And a fucking coward. What if he lashes out again?” I
don’t know why I bothered to ask when I planned on burying his broken, lifeless
body in the desert. Maybe I wouldn’t even bury him, just leave his carcass to
rot in the sun and be defiled by wildlife.
“Don’t worry. I told him it was the first and last time he would lay a hand on
me. He knows that I mean it. And the slap has nothing to do with me being sad.”
I let my hand trail softly against the reddened cheek that I knew would be
purple by morning. “And I’m not mad at him for being with another man, it’s the
lie that bothers me. I’m upset that he kept something from me. Between telling
him everything about you and revealing some other things that he wasn’t ready
to hear, it’s understandable that he would seek out some form of comfort. I
don’t mind that.”
I was livid that Tae wasn’t angry with that asshole, Jeon Jungkook, but it was
more important to let Tae work through his own feelings. Otherwise, it would
haunt him for the rest of the night and there was no way in hell I could
tolerate my love being sad. “Things like?” No matter what his answer was, there
was no excuse for him hitting my Kim Taehyung, nor was there a reason to sleep
with someone else. Jungkook was not only an asshole, he was an idiot. A soon to
be dead idiot.
“I’ll tell you about it later, I promise. Just know that Jungkook has a habit
of making bad decisions. He’s impulsive, insecure and he has a hard time
coping. I just wish he would talk to me about how he feels instead of acting
out. I’m worried that he’ll do something reckless.” He sighed, then a brilliant
grin broke out on his face.
“Enough about all that, right now I just want to live in this moment with you.
Jungkook doesn’t exist, no one else does right now. Tonight it’s all about us,
Taehyung and Yoongi. You’re spoiling me so much, and I’m just so happy. I saw
Eomma Yun for the first time in ten years! And we’re having our first ever
date…I’m really excited and I don’t want anything to ruin this.”
His smile was too bright, too brilliant. He was trying hard as fuck to not ruin
our plans, it was only fair if I put forth the same effort. I pushed thoughts
of murdering the man-child from my mind. For Tae, I let it go…temporarily. “I’m
really happy too, Tae.” He squirmed happily in my lap, before burrowing into my
neck with his nose and leaving a trail of kisses down to my collarbone. He was
so effective at making me abandon my murderous thoughts. ”Tae…can I kiss you
properly? I mean, we’ve kissed but I want to kiss you how I should have when we
first met again. Sincerely, soft…”
“Why must you do that? I never bother to ask you…” He giggled against my
throat, I gulped nervously. “I don’t care how long it’s been, you never have to
ask, Yoongi-hyung,” he whispered into my skin.
I eagerly grabbed his face and pulled him in close, molding my mouth to his. I
felt his tongue prodding, so I opened up to him, letting him take my tongue
hostage and suck on the firm muscle. He did so gently, tenderly. Our tongues
danced gracefully together, finding a natural rhythm known only to us. I moaned
in appreciation as he explored a bit before ending it. His eyes stayed closed
as we parted; meanwhile, I was hit with a full blast of his beauty. In awe, I
studied his perfect features, letting my fingers trail down his regal nose
before outlining his pretty lips. I traced his jawline with my thumbs, softly
gliding along the sharp angles, from his chin to the sensitive area behind his
ears. I lightly massaged him there. “So, it’s back to that ‘Yoong-hyung’
again?” I asked, huskily.
“Yogi just slipped out earlier,” he grumbled, eyes still shut. “When I don’t
think about it too hard, it just happens out of habit.”
“Well, don’t think. As your hyung, I order you not to think when you’re with
me.”
He opened his eyes, smiling my special smile. “That won’t be hard to do. You
always leave me a little dazed anyway, hyung.” He stood and stretched his long
frame. His shirt lifted a bit, and I licked my lips anxiously upon seeing a
flash of the smooth, golden expanse of his taut stomach. “So, where’s the food?
You invited me to dinner and…” he gestured around the empty room. “Feed me and
feed me now, hyung.” He pouted.
I peeled myself off of the sofa. “There’s no food here, brat. We’re only
meeting here. Our date is somewhere else.”
His eyes widened in surprise. “You’re taking me out? Oooh…is my Yogi going to
make some grand romantic gesture?” He hurried over to me and latched onto my
arm, laying his head on my shoulder.
“Is McDonald’s considered a grand romantic gesture?” I taunted, eyebrows
raised.
His eyes widened in disbelief. “Yoongi! Our first date…our first real date and
you decide on McDonald’s?”
“Please, you know you love Mickey D’s. You don’t even have to get a Value Meal
either, order whatever you want. And if the machines are working, I’ll splurge
for an ice cream cone.” I laughed at the horrified expression on his face as I
slipped my phone and keycard into my pocket before grabbing his hand. “Better
yet you can get a Happy Meal, toys come in those. Or do you just want me to buy
the toy?” He stared blankly at me. “Come on, love. We’ll be late.” I tugged a
frowning Taehyung out of the suite, holding in my laughter.
“Didn’t know they took reservations,” he griped while I chuckled. “You are the
master of romance, hyung.”
“Babe, I write books on the subject.” I smirked, wiggling my eyebrows at him.
                                     *****
We stepped out of the hotel and into the hot, dry Vegas air. Taehyung scanned
the whole area trying to guess which car was mine. “Oooh. Is it that one?” He
pointed at a beautiful, mirrored exterior Bugatti. “It’s flashy and looks fast
as hell.”
“Ugh. Why would I drive something like that? It’s a ‘big dick’ car.”
“To impress the ladies…the men. They’d all fawn over you if you drove that.”
“Exactly…a ‘big dick’ car. Have you ever seen a dumbass trying to impress a
girl or guy, so they mistakenly on purpose drop a magnum condom from their
wallet? Or pull out roll of hundreds to pay for a $7 drink?”
“No…sadly, I have yet to experience that Yogi-hyung.”
“Thank goodness you’re so innocent. But that’s what driving a car like that is.
When have I ever entertained the idea of someone liking me for what I have?
Besides, newsflash idiot. I’ve only ever sought to impress one person. Family
name: Kang...well, Kim now. Given name: Taehyung. If it’s not him, I don’t
care.” I saw his eyes light up. “And wouldn’t we look stupid pulling up to
McDonald’s in that?”
He hit me, trying to hold back his laughter. “You’re such a jerk, Min Yoongi-
hyung. What are you driving, really?”
“That.” I pointed.
He peered in the direction I pointed. “The cab or the Audi?”
“No, damn it, behind that…on the helipad.”
“A helicopter! You’re taking me in a helicopter?” He paled in fear. “An actual
helicopter that goes up in the air?”
I stuck out my chest. “Yes.”
“No!” he screeched, shaking his head.
“Why not?” He stared at me, a perfect mixture of wide-eyed, innocence and
terror contorting his face. I loved it. “C’mon.” I grinned and grabbed his
hand, dragging him to the two-seater gleaming in the rapidly fading sunlight.
“Hurry up, I want to get there before the sun sets.”
I opened his door and tried to usher him in; he just stood there gaping at me.
I shrugged my shoulders and walked around to my side. “But if there’s only two
seats…where will the pilot sit?” he called out.
“I’m the pilot, honey. Just hurry up and strap in.” I climbed in and waited for
him to join me.
“You know how to drive it?” he asked as he took a seat and closed the door
behind him.
“I started lessons when I was twenty-two and I’ve been flying ever since. You
couldn’t be in better hands.”
“You’re really flying this flimsy thing? I’m still pretty young, hyung and
you’re threatening to cut my life short. How are we going to be together for
the rest of our lives if I die today?” He looked at me, clearly scared out of
his mind. “I’m going to call Eomma Yun and tell her you’re putting my life in
danger. Give me your phone.” He held his hand out.
I reached over and grabbed his face, squeezing his cute cheeks. “Look at me,
Tae. Would I ever let you get hurt?”
“No,” he muttered. He stared back at me for a minute, a slow smile spreading.
“Okay. Let’s hurry before I chicken out.” He strapped in as I began the startup
procedures. He watched me as I quickly ran through the checklist, pride shining
in his eyes. “In case you didn’t know, it’s extremely sexy that my boyfriend
can fly a helicopter. I wish I had friends to brag to about it.”
“Boyfriend?” I asked hopefully, eyebrows raised.
He looked down at his lap and played with his fingers. “That’s what you
are…aren’t you?” he asked, softly.
“If that’s what you want me to be.” I tried to reign in my elation. “Is that
what you want?”
“I…I do. But I still have a lot to consider first.”
I hid my disappointment. “There’s no need to label it, Tae. What we have is so
much bigger than a relationship. We’re us…Taehyung and Yoongi.”
“Taegi,” he offered happily, bouncing in his seat.
“Taegi…I like it.” I shot him a smile before carefully starting our ascent.
“You do know that we’re going to look like assholes in the McDonald’s parking
lot, hyung.”
“So what? I don’t mind being an asshole, as long as we’re assholes together.”
“Remind me, hyung…how is piloting your date in a helicopter not a ‘big dick’
move?”
                                     *****
I put down on the makeshift helipad that had been cleared away just for me.
Taehyung looked at me sadly as soon as the struts touched the ground. “It was
over too soon. Can we go up again, please my Yogi?”
I unstrapped and exited the powered-down chopper, going around to his side to
open his door. “Maybe I’ll give you a tour of the night sky later. The
mountains would be pretty in the moonlight.” I extended my hand and he grabbed
onto it. “Only if you’re good though.” He giggled as I helped him out and we
started along a small dirt path until we reached a small summit. “We made it
just in time, look the sun is setting,” I said, pointing to the fiery orb
slowly boring into the horizon. A cataclysm of pinks, reds, oranges, and
yellows with striations of violet saturated the evening sky. We stood there
holding hands, watching the sun’s descent.
“Whoa…it’s so beautiful hyung. The sun is so big!”
A random thought popped into my mind, and I jumped at the chance to show my
romantic expertise…or at least make Tae laugh. “You know, ancient Greeks
believed the sun to be a symbol of perfect beauty. Women even painted the sun
on their cheeks on their wedding day.”
“Interesting…” It was like he hadn’t heard me. “…now shush. I want to watch.”
He stared at the steadily sinking sun, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from
him.
“The reason I wanted to watch the sunset with you is because I wanted to make
it envious.”
“Make the sun envious?” He finally tore his gaze away from nature’s artwork.
“How?”
“You don’t set. For twelve or more hours per day on any one portion of the
planet, the perfect sun sits in the sky rivaling everything beautiful in this
world…except for you. I know if I were the sun I would envy you; when it sets
you keep shining, Tae.” I saw him tear up a bit before he turned back to view
the sunset.
“Is that right?”
“Yes. You’re brighter, you’re prettier, you’re better in every way. It could
never compare, never compete. In my eyes, you are the symbol of perfect beauty
and I would paint you on my cheeks everyday if I could.”
He squeezed my hand before smiling crazily at me. “You know what? It’s not
enough to have the sun envy me…let’s make that bitch mad. Kiss me.” He grabbed
me kissing me so thoroughly that my brain turned to mush.
I pushed him away, trying in vain to clear my head. “What in the hell? I would
never turn down a kiss from you, but...explain, love.”
“You say I’m better in every way, but I feel like it’s too close to call,” he
played along. “I am beating her at one thing though…I have you. That lonely
bitch can’t compete with me because there’s only one of you…and you’re mine.
Let’s make her mad, my Yogi. Show her something she can’t ever have…our love.”
He stepped closer, soft hands cupping my face. “Kiss me, Min Yoongi.”
Seeing that glimmer of playfulness in his eyes, I had no choice but to go along
with it…not that I ever had a choice when it came to Tae. “Let’s make that
bitch cry.” So we did. I didn’t really get what he meant, who would be angry
just because they didn’t have me? There wasn’t anything special at all about
me; the best thing about me was Tae. We stood there kissing and clinging to
each other until the sun sunk into the horizon.
“Wow.” He looked totally blissed out. “Okay, now I’m ready. Let’s go.” He
pulled me along the path.
I resisted, stopping our progress up the hill. “Wait, I almost forgot. Wear
this.” I pulled a blindfold from my pocket.
He looked at me in abject horror as he backed away. “Yoongi-hyung...er…is it
okay if I don’t wear it? I don’t like not being able to see. It’s…it’s scary.”
He sounded nervous and afraid.
“Oh.” His reaction had me feeling guilty for even suggesting he wear it. “It’s
fine. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want. Let’s just go.” I was
disappointed that I wouldn’t get the opportunity to surprise him and watch his
reaction, but his comfort was more important than what I wanted. I moved to
tuck it back into my pocket, but he grabbed my arm.
He was fidgeting like he always does when he’s nervous. Cute. “Maybe it won’t
be so scary…if you hold onto me. I mean, I’m know I’m safe with you no matter
what. I always have been. I’ll wear it…for you, I’ll wear it if you hold onto
me…but hold me tight, okay?” he stammered.
“Of course.” I tied the blindfold loosely around his eyes and wound my arm
around his waist, crushing him against me. He leaned into me, laying his head
on my shoulder. “Good?” He nodded with a shy smile so sweet it gave me a
toothache. “Let’s go, love. Walk slowly, I’ll lead us there.”
“I swear if you take this thing off and the Grimace or the Hamburgler pops out
of a burger shaped-cake and starts a striptease, I will punch you right in the
dick.”
“What the actual fuck, Taehyung?” I shook with laughter. “If that happens I’ll
punch myself in the dick! And then in the eyes so I don’t have to watch.”
“But if it were Ronald…”
“How did I fall in love with such a twisted fuck?”
He laughed gaily, and I could imagine the excitement dancing in his gorgeous,
brown eyes. “This is the best McDonald’s trip ever, hyung.”
“Damn right it is. I told you I have a Ph.D. in romancification.”
He burst out in laughter. “How is that even a word, hyung?”
“When you're as advanced as I am, you get to make shit up…now step carefully,
love.”
“Okay, my Yogi.”
                                     *****
After a short hike full of laughter and light conversation, we stepped into the
cool air. “We’re inside?”
“Yes. We’re almost to the table, just a few more steps love.” I led him to a
chair and helped him sit. “Okay. Don’t freak out too much when I take the
blindfold off.”
“Hurry, please. If feels weird now that I’m not in your arms. I really don’t
like it.” He sat there taking in deep breaths, trying to calm himself. “That
smell…flowers?”
I undid the blindfold with a flourish and held out my arms. “Ta-da! Happy first
date, Tae-Tae.” I walked over and took my seat, smiling happily as I awaited
his reaction. I knew that any chance of a thank you hug or kiss would have to
wait once Taehyung saw the room.
“Oh my!” He stood up excitedly, hand flying to his mouth in surprise. “It’s
beautiful, Yogi-hyung! It’s perfect!” I had bought out the Mt. Potosi
observatory for the night and had a two room, one bathroom, glass geodesic dome
erected so that Tae and I could eat and rest under the stars. Fairy lights
lined the the floor, providing soft, romantic illumination. In the first room,
the living area, a small, round table set for two sat in the middle of a lush
indoor garden teeming with bright flowers. There were flowers of every type
surrounding us, including his favorite sunflowers. Most importantly, the room
was filled with various species of bright butterflies. They fluttered about the
room landing on flowers, the table, even Taehyung’s head. His smile as he took
it all in was the biggest and brightest I had ever seen.
“Yogi-hyung, look! It’s on my head!” He pointed excitedly at his forehead,
going cross-eyed trying to see the butterfly sitting there. “Oh my god, Yogi-
hyung.” The butterfly took flight and Taehyung followed its path, eyes full of
wonder and delight. He ran over to me, looking around carefully before kneeling
in front of me.
“This…” he said with tear-filled eyes, “is the sweetest thing anyone has ever
done for me. Thank you, my Yogi. Thank you for loving me this much.” He buried
his head in my lap.
I threaded my fingers through his silky, red locks. “I only wish I could do
more to show how much I love you.”
“You don’t have to prove anything to me, Yogi-hyung.”
“I know. But it won’t stop me from making these grand romantic gestures,” I
laughed. “So much better than McDonalds, huh?”
“Definitely, though I was starting to look forward to that Grimace
striptease…you owe me one,” he looked at me giggling, eyes flashing with
amusement. “Mmmm….I love you so much.”
“And I, you.” But I was still worried that his love for me wasn’t enough to
make him choose me. Especially with all of the Jungkook mess I know he was
fighting to push from his mind. He hadn’t changed a bit…he always got super
silly, affectionate, or childish when something was bothering him. I was
slightly disappointed that I wasn’t enough to distract him. “C’mon, sit at the
table. We have all night to play with the butterflies, the chef should be
bringing the first course soon.”
“We don’t have all night because butterflies are diurnal, hyung.”
“Diurnal, biurnal, triurnal…I don’t care who they love as long as they flutter
around and look pretty for you.”
He rolled his eyes at my lame joke. “It means they’ll be settling down soon to
go to sleep.” He whined. “Plus, I want to say hello to all the flowers first.”
“You would choose butterflies and flowers over spending time with me…” I
clutched at my heart dramatically, “…aish, go ahead. I’ve waited ten long,
miserable years just for the chance to see your face again.” I sighed
dramatically; Taehyung rolled his eyes again, deadpanning. “What’s another half
hour, right? I’ll just sit here lonely and longing for my husband to return to
me.”
He leapt to his feet, grabbing my hands and tugging. “You won’t be lonely. Come
with me and I’ll introduce you to all of them. But first…” he made his way to
the sunflowers, of course. “Hello, sunflowers. It’s been a long time since I’ve
seen you. I wasn’t allowed to for a long time, so I’m very happy you’re here.”
And he actually bowed deeply before he kissed the plant.
I grabbed one of the smaller yellow ones. “I’m sorry sunflower, I really hate
hurting you.” I broke it carefully and gently from its stem, before tucking it
behind Taehyung’s ear. “You won the privilege of sitting there for your
sacrifice.”
He went crimson, eyes shining and full of admiration. “That’s so sweet, my
Yogi. Thank you.” He kissed me on the corner of my mouth shyly, then dragged me
over to a cluster of brightly colored round looking flowers. “Oooh, Yogi-hyung.
These are dahlias. They belong to the Asteraceae family. The cool thing about
dahlias are that they are octoploids.”
“Octaploys?” I purposely misspoke, not really interested but enjoying Tae’s
excitement at talking about them. The way his eyes lit up and he talked a mile
a minute…it was adorable.
“No oct-o-ploids,” he enunciated slowly. “It means they have eight sets of
homologous chromosomes, whereas most plants have only two. That’s why they’re
so diverse; see all the colors and shapes? Aren’t they gorgeous? Dahlias, this
is my Yogi-hyung.”
“You mean, your husband, Yogi-hyung.”
“Hyung!” He looked at me seriously. “Just say hello back.”
I smiled as I leaned close to the flowers. “Hello, Dahlias. You are very
beautiful.”
“Yes, Dahlias. You are beautiful and unique and strong. I’m so glad you’re here
tonight. Hello and welcome.” He bowed low to the flowers giggling and I had to
hold myself back from grabbing him and kissing him until he passed out from
lack of oxygen. I felt myself being dragged along as Tae exclaimed, “Ooooh,
magnolias! But first…chrysanthemums!” I shook my head, sniggering. Nothing had
changed for us. Absolutely nothing.
This feeling…it was something I had forgotten. I smiled at my lovable
dongsaeng, relishing the light in his eyes and the excitement radiating from
his body. The warmth, the laughter, the love; I never wanted it to go away. I
had to hold on to him, no matter what.
Chapter End Notes
     It's so fluffy it's almost cringey, right? I can't tell you the
     amount of times I rolled my eyes as I typed, but secretly...way deep
     down hidden so carefully that I forget it's there...I'm obsessed with
     soft Yoongi hehehe. Taegi fluff just works for me; they're too damned
     adorable together. And funny. And sweet. And caring. And I couldn't
     resist making Taehyung acknowledge the Taegi ship; it had to happen.
     I'm trash, lol.
     This chapter was so fun to write, and I hope you all enjoy it as much
     as I do.
     P.S. Look up geodesic domes when you get a chance. I really want to
     live in one. ;)
     Coming Up Next: Chapter 29 - Reality Bites
     Taegi exchanges stories about the past ten years. Yoongi's reaction
     is unexpected. We're going to be with Taegi for three (maybe four, I
     might add another) chapters. Taekook shippers, bear with me. You'll
     get your fix soon, I promise. ;)
***** Feels So Good...Loving Somebody, When Somebody Loves You Back *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung is gone, but he makes sure his presence is felt; Jungkook
     gets a surprise and has an epiphany.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
We were done. Taehyung and I were over. I'd finally gone too far and pushed him
away permanently.
A knock on the door roused me from the pit of despair I had fallen into.
Taehyung had only been gone ten minutes and already I missed him. I couldn’t
erase his last words from my head…there was so much hurt in his words. I tried
to turn my mind off but the words held on tightly, saturating my every thought
until I had curled in on myself. If only I had turned around to face him a few
seconds sooner…if only I had run to the door and apologized. If only I had told
him everything instead of lying.
As another strong, steady knock sounded, I pulled myself to my feet. I lumbered
over to the door, eyes and face swollen. When I placed my hand on the handle,
my heart started racing. My heart coerced my mind into picturing Tae standing
on the other side, waiting to pull me into his arms. I couldn’t help hoping
that he had come back. So while I knew that it wasn’t him (he would have just
used his key), my heart wanted what it wanted.
I wasn’t surprised at all when I flung open the door to see a hotel
staffperson, nor was I surprised when I was bludgeoned by disappointment. I
felt something tighten in my chest, squeezing my poor heart relentlessly.
Taehyung was gone and I was dishonest. I didn’t get the chance to say I was
sorry.
A tiny, dark-haired girl stood there with her hands behind her back. She looked
me up and down, openly admiring my features. If I had cared at all, the
intensity of her stare would have made me uncomfortable. “Mr. Jeon?” the girl
asked a bit breathlessly.
“Yeah…but it’s just Jungkook. No need to be formal.”
She shook her head to clear whatever wild thoughts or fantasies were running
through her mind and put on a strictly business persona. “Sorry, sir. No can
do. It goes against hotel policy.”
She was smiling too widely for my liking and I had every inclination to shut
the door in her face and continue to wallow…how could she just walk around
smiling like that when I was ready to jump off of the nearest cliff? She was
annoying, but I had already been enough of a jerk today. “Fine, whatever. What
do you want?”
“Sir, I’m here to start your schedule. I figured you’d want to start as soon as
possible.” She looked confused. “Didn’t he tell you?”
“Um…” I looked at her nametag, “Katie?” She nodded enthusiastically. “I’m
sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. What schedule?”
“Mr. Kim made some arrangements for you. He called the front desk and made
appointments with our spa and requested a special meal for you. Your first
treatment starts in twenty minutes and I’m supposed to escort you there. He
said you wouldn’t go on your own.”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“The special night he set up for you…wait, was it supposed to be a surprise?”
She slapped her forehead. “Shit…” Her eyes widened as she held up her hands in
apology. “Oh, sorry sir! I didn’t mean to disrespect you by using profanity—“
she muttered under her breath, “damn it, I’m really going to lose my job. How
could I fuck this up so epically? You won’t tell Mr. Kim about this right? I’ve
already pissed him off once today.”
I placed a calming hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, trust me I’ve heard much
worse. I’m not someone who could be disrespected anyway, I’m nobody, okay? Just
forget about it and explain what’s happening please.”
She smiled. “It was Taehyung Kim, sir. He called down not too long ago and
bought out the spa for tonight. He personally set up a refreshing schedule for
you to help you feel better. These treatments are guaranteed to boost your
mind, body, and spirit.”
“Really…he set up something for me?” I felt my heart flutter upon realizing
that maybe it wasn’t as over as I had believed. I knew forgiveness would come
easily because Kim Taehyung really is an angel, but I didn’t know that we would
be able to continue our relationship. I didn’t know that he still cared this
much for me.
“Yes. Each treatment was specifically picked by Mr. Kim based on your needs.
First up is flotation therapy, for a clear mind and introspection. Afterwards,
a mud bath to help with your aches and pains—Mr. Kim told us that you were
injured in some capacity, so this will definitely make you feel better. Then
that will be followed by Salt Glow exfoliation and a body wrap. You’ll receive
a facial while you’re on the table, still wrapped. After that is a Swedish
massage to get rid of your soreness, followed by hair therapy…
“Hair therapy?” I asked skeptically.
“Yes, sir. They’ll massage your scalp and then wash and condition your hair.” I
nodded, mind reeling. “Then you’ll receive a manicure and pedicure. By then
your dinner and dessert buffet should be ready—it will be served in your room.”
The girl watched warily as tears leaked from my eyes. “He’s made arrangements
for a bigger television and a game console to be brought up so that you can
play right after dinner…sir, are you okay?”
“H-he did all that for m-me?” I stammered.
“Yes, sir.”
I spoke softly, more to myself than her. “But…when he left it wasn’t on the
best of terms. I was a complete jerk and I really hurt him. I don’t exactly
deserve anything from him.”
“Why are you questioning what you deserve when Mr. Kim obviously believes that
you do? That’s really all that matters, isn’t it?” she asked with one eyebrow
raised.
“But I…” I couldn’t think of a single rebuttal. Every time Taehyung went out of
his way to make me feel special, to show me how important I was to him, I
grumbled and complained. I beat myself up, feeling like I wasn’t worth it. But
Taehyung believed I was…if I couldn’t trust his judgment, whose could I trust?
If Tae thinks I deserve it, shouldn’t I prove to him that I do? “Fuck…I’m such
an idiot,” I laughed sadly.
“I don’t want to overstep, sir, but Mr. Kim seems to care about you a lot. I’d
worry less about what you feel you deserve and more about how to show
appreciation to him for all he does for you. Good friends are hard to come by,
you know?” She watched me with soft, caring eyes.
“Yes…I do know.” I wept openly, overjoyed that the man I love was so
considerate. After all the shit we had gone through today and despite all my
fuckups, he loved me enough to do something so sweet and thoughtful for me.
Warmth blossomed in my chest and irradiated my eyes and smile—the love I felt
for him at that moment drove away every bad thought, every assertion that we
were through. He still loved me, and I needed to prove to him that I was worthy
of it. I’m sure my wet, red face, squinty eyes, and sniffles were scaring her.
She worriedly patted my shoulder, clearly concerned. I gently batted away her
hands. “Don’t fuss over me, l’m fine. I’m…I guess it just hit me how much I’m
loved. I tried to keep it from him…you know, the fact that I’m not feeling
well…that I was hurt. But he knows me better than I know myself. I’m very lucky
to have someone like Taehyung.”
“Don’t I know it…” she grumbled before pouting. “He sounded so sad over the
phone, like he had been crying.” My heart stalled at her words. “He said the
situation was urgent, so naturally I worked hard to make tonight happen. I
couldn’t disappoint him twice in one day. I’m happy that I was able to pull
everything together so quickly, but the rest depends on you. If you get better
it will cheer him up a lot.”
“You’re right. That’s how Tae is.” As usual, he was thinking of me first.
Putting my needs first. Even though I had fucked up royally, he still wanted to
show how much he loved me…this time I would let him. Even though I was
disgusted with myself, I wasn’t going to fight him this time…not when he’d put
so much effort into taking care of me. I couldn’t exactly ignore adoration of
this scale. I smiled through my tears. “Do I need to bring anything? Do
anything further?”
“Just bring your room key. Everything detail has already been planned, even
down to the music playing as you receive your treatments.”
I grinned at her. “Okay…can I meet you down there? I’m definitely accepting the
services, I just have to grab my shoes and cell. And I need a minute to…compose
myself.”
She nodded, smiling sweetly at me. “Sure, I’ll see you in the lobby…oh, wait. I
almost forgot this.” From behind her back she held out an envelope and a
stuffed bear. “He dictated this message to me and gifted you with this.” I took
both items, smiling brightly at her. “You are indeed extremely lucky, Mr. Jeon.
If you ever forget again, call the front desk and ask for me. I'll remind you."
I giggled. "See you soon.” She turned on her heels and marched down the hall.
I kicked the door shut with my foot, tucking the stuffed toy under one arm
while eagerly yet carefully tearing open the envelope and unfolding the letter
inside.
     Kookie,
     I wish I had more time to make things right before I left, but
     honestly our emotions were too raw. If I had stayed, I don’t think it
     would have helped the situation. We should take this time apart to
     decide what we need to say to each other the next time we meet. We
     should reflect on our actions and words so that we don’t ever hurt
     each other again the way we did today.
     I can probably imagine the thoughts running through your mind right
     now…I want you to ignore them all. Everyone makes mistakes, okay? I
     understand that today took a toll and you had a bad reaction. I’m not
     angry with you. I don’t hate you. And I don’t want you to beat
     yourself up trying to guess what this all means. Just know that my
     feelings for you haven’t changed in the slightest and I don’t blame
     you for any of it. I take full responsibility for everything. For
     keeping things from you, for hurting you this much…I hope I can earn
     your forgiveness.
     It breaks my heart to know that my actions caused you so much pain
     when all I want to do is take care of you and love you. I am truly
     sorry for everything that happened today. I know that you are hurt
     and that you are worried. Don’t be. I set up this special night so
     that you could see proof of my love, but being direct is always the
     best approach. So: I love you, Jeon Jungkook. I always will.
     Just once, let me show you how much I care without fighting it so
     much. Accept my gift and know that it is something that I did just
     for you. Let the staff spoil you. Eat well. Rest well. We will talk
     more and settle this matter between us when I return, okay?
     -Tae
     P.S. Since I can’t be there to cuddle you until you feel better, I
     sent someone to take my place…temporarily. His name is Tae-dy Bear.
     He’s a good listener and he gives great hugs. Don’t like him too much
     though, because I’ll be back to claim my spot…hehehe.
     P.S.S. It’s only been six minutes since I left, but I miss you
     already. How is that possible?
I gazed down at the page, quickly angering when I saw splotches blurring some
of the words…it’s took a few seconds to recognize that I had cried more while
reading it. I used my sleeve to clean the mess on my face, and then carefully
spread the letter out on the nightstand so that it could dry.
I held up Taedy, studying his features closely and petting him adoringly before
giving him a big squeeze. I felt a rush of warmth just from cuddling the
bear…knowing that it came from Taehyung made the constriction in my chest
loosen. I felt lighter. I felt loved.
I had learned an important lesson tonight. Whether or not I saw my own worth,
Tae did. And if he saw it, it had to be real. I needed to learn how to love
myself more so that I could love him better. It was time to stop acting like a
child, letting my insecurities and my rage determine my actions. It was time to
man up and give Taehyung a reason love me instead of proving again and again
why he shouldn’t.
I kissed Taedy and sat him on our bed. Then I grabbed my room key and cell
phone, simultaneously slipping into my flip flops. I left the room feeling
happier than I had in months. Taehyung was going to see a different me when he
returned…a better me. It was time to fight for my man.
Chapter End Notes
     Kim Taehyung is a literal fucking angel, I swear. No wonder nobody
     wants to give him up. LOL
     So I went ahead and uploaded this so you guys wouldn't have to wait
     four weeks just to find out what happens to Jungkook. It's very short
     and doesn't have much info, so meh... sorry it's not much. It fits
     better here though than in it's original spot (chapter 32). We get
     back to the good stuff Wednesday. The original Chapter 29 is now
     pushed back to 30. See you in a few days loves.
***** Reality Bites *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung and Yoongi find out what life was like without each other.
     (Dialogue heavy...sorry guys.)
Chapter Notes
     A conversation with Taylor after reading Chapter 35 (I think):
     T: (exasperated) Ugh, I give up. I want Taegi...but I ain't mad at
     Taekook either.
     Me: Wow...not so firm with Taegi, huh?
     T: I don't know what I want!
     Me: That's exactly what I wanted. I did it!
     T: So, who is he going to end up with? At this point, I don't care. I
     just want them all happy.
     Me: Ikr! I have an idea of what I'm going to do...I started writing
     it already.
     T: Scrap that. I feel like it should be Taegikook now.
     Me: Nope. That's too hard to do. Yoongi and Jungkook have no
     attraction to each other. Not at all.
     T: Let them take turns or something. Switch every month, I don't
     care. I just feel like that's the best route.
     Me: No way in hell. It won't work.
     T: You're the writer...make it work.
     Bwahahahahahaha...as much as I appreciate the suggestion, I'm just
     happy she's finally considering Jungkook too.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I held him tight, so close to my body that we could have passed for one person.
I got drunk on the fragrance of his body wash and shampoo, drawing in
inconspicuous gulps of his scent as his head rested on my shoulder. We swayed
lazily to the music as servers silently cleared away the table and its
contents.
The butterflies had long since retired and the flowers could only bear witness
to our blatantly tangible love for each other. He lifted his head, eyes meeting
mine in the moonlight. I could see the stars dancing in his lovely brown eyes
before he rested his forehead against mine. The pitter-patter of my heart
magnified as heat sprung from the depths of my belly and spread throughout my
body. I feared that if I continued to touch him, to be this close to him, I
would spontaneously combust and all that would be left is a liquefied version
of Min Yoongi, or common ashes. But it was all worth the risk...for him I would
chance it.
Once we were alone again, Taehyung kissed me on the cheek before resuming his
previous position. “This night has been perfect, hyung. Absolutely perfect.” He
sighed into my neck, warm breath tickling the sensitive flesh there. I felt my
internal temperature rise by at least a thousand degrees. I repressed the urge
to scoop him up in my arms and carry him off to bed. “I wish we could stay here
forever. Just you and me…and the flowers…and the butterflies.”
I rubbed small circles into the small of his back. “Say the word and I’ll make
it happen.”
He sighed. “As much as I’d love to…we can’t. We have responsibilities…lives
outside of each other. Besides, it wouldn’t be as special if it were an
everyday thing.” I nodded in agreement. It was a beautiful moment sure, but if
this was our everyday life it would quickly lose the magic. “I’m pretty sure
I’m going to remember this night for the rest of my life.”
“If you ever forget, hopefully I’ll be there to remind you.” I mumbled it so
quietly, I was sure he hadn’t heard it. I didn’t intend for that to come out,
but there it was floating in the air around us…my doubt. All night long I had
been watching him…there were times when he would just leave me. Not physically,
but I would see the light in his eyes dim a bit and his smile would shrink; I
knew he was gone. His body was with me but his mind was on Jungkook. And it
hurt every time I saw it. I would redouble my efforts and pull him back
eventually, but every time I would panic a bit more.
He lifted his head looking somewhat baffled. “Why wouldn’t you be? Of course
you’ll be there, by my side where you belong.”
“But in what capacity?” Our swaying stopped. Taehyung looked at me sadly. “I
need you to figure things out Taehyung. I need to know where we stand...where I
stand.”
“I need more time to sort out my feelings. It hasn’t even been a full day since
we reunited, hyung.”
“I know. I’m sorry, love. I’m just…frustrated. Tonight has been absolutely
perfect and from where I’m standing, it seems like we’re picking up where we
left off…that’s what I want. But I can’t tell if that’s what you want. I need
reassurance that you want us too; I have to know how you feel. We know each
other so well that it’s easy to guess what you’re feeling, but what if I’m
mistaken? I know I’m closed off and suck at expressing myself, but I make the
effort for you. Even if I cringe inwardly, I do whatever it takes so that you
know exactly what I feel. Every now and then I need to hear it.”
“But I’ve said it so many times already. Hyung, I love you so much—“
“That much I know. I guess what I need to know is if that’s enough. Is your
love for me enough to secure my place by your side? If not, how do I compete
with someone who knows things about you that I don’t? I can’t lose you to him,
Tae, I can’t. Now that I have you here in my arms again, it hurts to imagine
letting you go.” I gave him a gentle squeeze. “I don’t want to set myself up to
be hurt. What do I have to do?”
“You don’t have to do anything other than be you. You're my Yogi; I love you
for you. And while I appreciate the grand romantic gestures, I would feel the
same way about you without them. You and I…we’re bigger than stuff like that. I
want you. I want to be with you. As far as my feelings for you, nothing has
changed. You’re still the most important person in my life. You are my other
half, my everything.”
“Why does it feel like being your everything won’t be enough?”
“It is more than enough for me.”
“It’s not enough for me, Tae.” I grudgingly withdrew my arms from around his
waist. “I hate that it has to come to this, love, I don’t want to ruin this
night for you. It’s time though for us to lay everything out on the table. You
said we would do this tonight anyway, let’s get it over with so we can deal.”
“I worry how you’ll feel once we do that. I know I said I would tell you all of
it tonight, but I’m scared.”
He definitely looked it. “Scared? Why?” If he gave me a good enough reason, I
would bench the whole conversation. I definitely didn’t want to make him
uncomfortable, nor did I want to risk pushing him away. But I was at a
disadvantage because I lacked information…my rival knew it all, so I needed to
know it too.
“I’m scared that once we let everything out, once you know all of the bad
stuff, you won’t want me anymore.”
“There is nothing you can say that will make me not want you. Even if you
choose not to be with me romantically, I will still want you. I love you and
only you…there’s no one else for me.”
“It’s easy to say that now because you’re still ignorant of my past. But what
if you change your mind when you find out?” I wanted to argue, but he pressed a
finger to my lips to keep me from speaking. “That’s one of the main reasons why
I’m not rushing this. Do you think I want to chance losing you again? I’m
trying to hold on to you while I still can, to make good memories with you in
case shit goes south. As much as I love you, I have to protect myself first. If
I tell you and you run off, it will break me, hyung.”
“I have that same fear; that you’ll run off with him and destroy me…but I trust
in your love. You should trust in mine too. We were friends before we were
lovers, so even if for some unforeseen reason I decided that your past was too
much to handle, I wouldn’t just abandon you. You know that, right?”
“I do, but I also have doubts. I don’t want them, but they’re there.”
I pinched his chin between my fingers, making sure he paid attention to my
words…well, his words actually. Long nights listening to him recite his lines
for Hamlet had finally come in handy. I recited the words that I had held on to
dearly; they reflected my feelings for Taehyung so effectively.
     “Doubt thou the stars are fire;
     Doubt that the sun doth move;
     Doubt truth to be a liar;
     But never doubt I love...”
I kissed him softly, lovingly. “Don’t ever doubt my love.”
“But what about Jungkook? I know it hurts you to think about it, but I love him
too. He’s such an important part of my life now that I can’t see a future
without him in it. If I decide to be with you, he will still be my best friend.
I’ll be there for him for as long as he’ll let me.”
“I’m willing to accept that. If you choose to be with me, I would never try to
erase him from your life. I would greet him and welcome him as if he were your
family. Hell, I’d move him in with us if it came to that. I would do anything
if it meant I get to have you.” And though it killed me to speak the words
aloud, it was the truth. “But you have to tell me why. What happened in the
span of two years with him that would make you consider throwing away a
lifetime with me? Like it or not, we need to have this talk, Tae.”
He sighed tiredly, shoulders slumped in defeat. “Fine, if that’s what you want.
And I guess now is as good a time as any.” He took my hand and led me from the
room, words spilling forth as if they had been waiting forever to do so.
                                     *****
We could see it all, the moon hovering high above as the stars twinkled. The
high elevation muted the lights from the city, allowing a clear, perfect view
of the night sky. However, the beauty of the night did nothing to drive out the
ugliness I heard from Taehyung.
We had retired to a smaller room of the dome for our talk, lying on a plush bed
as soft classical music played through the wireless speaker. After listening to
Tae speak for over an hour, I was in shock. I was angry. I was repulsed.
Honestly, I thought I would be more pissed about Jungkook and his time with
Tae, but I actually ended up feeling sorry for the guy. I even respected him a
bit. If we weren’t competing for the same man’s love I would even consider his
friendship. We still had to settle the matter of him bruising Tae’s cheek, and
I’d wanted to yell at Tae for being so forgiving…but that would all come later.
I was stuck on the matter of Tae’s grandfather. I couldn’t let it go.
Nothing I’ve experienced in my whole life prepared me for the pure hatred and
revulsion I felt for Tae’s grandfather. I clenched my fist tightly the whole
time he spoke, fingernails puncturing the soft, meaty flesh of my palm,
listening and not reacting. I let him tell it all without saying a word.
When he was done baring his soul, catching me up all the way until he rang the
bell at my door, I demanded he show me the scars.
“But hyung, other than Joonie and Jin no one has seen it…not even Jungkook. I
can’t—“
“Now!” I ordered. “Taehyung, please…let me see.” I was on the verge of tears.
“I have to…I need to see it with my own eyes. Please, baby. Show me,” I begged.
“Okay…it’s you, so it’s okay.” He sat up and hesitantly pulled his sweater up
over his head, throwing it to the floor. He looked down at his lap, shaking,
pulling at the duvet nervously. “You can look if you want to, Yogi-hyung.”
I knelt in front of him on the bed, tracing the scars. Raised, puffy lines
crisscrossed and intersected with nearly white flat lines across his entire
chest. They were so interwoven I couldn’t distinguish the cuts from the whip
welts. They were all pale compared to his normal golden skin tone, so they
stood out even in the darkness. I moved around to his back, and Tae stilled
completely. I whimpered when I saw the mess there, battling a wave of nausea.
Burns that hadn’t healed properly and more cuts and welts covered his entire
back. I touched a scar that closely resembled melted plastic. “Oh, Tae. Tae…aw,
baby.”
I moved back around to his front; he kept his eyes trained to the bed. “I know
that it’s so different from how you remember me. You once said I was perfect,
but I’m not that anymore.” He laughed uncomfortably. “I’m far from perfect, and
I know that it’s a lot for you to accept…all the things he did to me. I’ll
understand if you don’t want me anymore. I’m…I won’t be upset if you want to
walk away from this. I know you love me, but if this is too much to overlook I
won’t blame you if you leave. Besides, this night…it was the second best night
of my life and I’ll never forget it, Yogi-hyung.”
“Is there more?” I asked tensely. I was beyond the pinnacle of pissivity;
pissed off and disgusted.
“Yes. On my upper thighs, both back and front. Burns on the bottom of my feet.
He always marked me in places no one would see, I guess. But this is the worst
of it all.” He was shaking more now.
I leaned over the side of the bed, grabbing his thin sweater. As I put his
sweater back on, he helped as much as he could without meeting my eyes. I
placed a hand gently on his shoulder. “Are you okay, Tae-Tae?”
He laughed cynically. “Shouldn’t that be my line? After what I just told you
and showed you, I’m surprised you haven’t hightailed it the hell out of here.”
He sniffled. “l wouldn’t hold it against you if you did.”
My palms stung, I knew they were close to bleeding. “Kim Taehyung, I would
never leave you. Not willingly. Do you hear me?”
“Yoongi,” he said seriously. “You don’t have to hold back how you feel. I can
take it, I promise.”
“I’d rather not share that with you…not right now. Not while it’s still raw. I
don’t want you to see me lose my composure.”
“Holding it in won’t help either of us. It’s better to get it off of your chest
now. I promise I won’t judge you or hold any animosity. Your feelings matter to
me, so if there is something you need to say just say it. We’ve always been
able to tell each other everything. That hasn’t changed, has it?”
“No, it hasn’t.”
“Well, tell me.”
“Only if you’re absolutely sure you want to hear what I have to say.” He
nodded, still refusing to look up. “Okay…forgive me in advance for being such a
pussy.” I thought of how epically I had failed him, how I had left him to be
tortured, caged, and demeaned. I was supposed to be his protector and I had let
him rot there in hell for years; everything that happened to him was my fault.
As I pictured every wound, every scar being inflicted, I let the full force of
my emotions go free; tears falling and face scrunched in pain as I cried
loudly. “Kim Taehyung…I…I love you with my whole heart, and I’m so sorry I
failed you.” Taehyung’s head flew up at this, his eyes boring into me. I turned
away from his gaze, weeping into my aching palms. “I’m so sorry, it’s all my
fault for not trying harder to find you. If only…if I had gotten to you
sooner—“ I wailed. “Forgive me, love. Please forgive me, Tae.” I sobbed loudly.
“Don’t stop loving me, please!” I fully bowed to him, head pressed against the
mattress. “Forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” He sounded confused, but I refused to look at him. “Yogi-hyung?”
I heard him question as he tugged at my wrists.
“It’s all my fault. I failed to keep you safe. I understand if you don’t want
me anymore. But please consider that I kept my vows to you and I don’t want
anybody else but you. Just don’t push me away. Let me love you, even though I
don’t deserve it.” I begged miserably. “Even if you don’t want me, let me be
there. Let me love you and take care of you, too.”
“You still…I’m not disgusting to you?” I could hear the surprise in his voice.
“How could you be when you’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen?” I
asked honestly, looking up at him. “Disgustingly perfect, yes; disgustingly
gorgeous, of course! And after hearing this I know how incredibly strong you
are…damn it, Tae. You’ve always been out of my league, Taehyung, and this just
solidifies that fact. I thank whatever God is up there daily for allowing me to
live while you’re living. And to have your love when I’m like this…when I’ve
let you down…it’s...” I broke down again.
He looked down at himself. “But these scars…the things he did—“
“Fuck the scars, Tae! The only reason they upset me is because they’re there.
You are still beautiful, inside and out. Those things don’t change how you look
to me. They don’t change how I feel about you not one fucking bit! But they are
there! They’re there because I didn’t do my job…I didn’t protect you. I failed
to keep you safe.”
“So, you’re not leaving me? You still want me?” Tae asked, hope ringing with
every word.
“Do you still want me? I’ll leave only if that’s what you want. But I’m begging
you not to because I love so much. I’ll always want you, just you.” I cried
into my stinging hands again.
“Min Yoongi…” He was at a loss for words; his silence made my sobs sound that
much more pitiful. He pulled me onto his lap and pulled my hands from my eyes;
I turned away from his gaze. “Don’t be like this. Don’t cry like this…please
hyung. Please look at me.”
“I can’t, Tae. Not after what I did.” I felt like shit for letting him go
through that alone. For letting a jerk like Jungkook be the one to save him
while I did nothing. And that was probably the reason why Jungkook had become
such a necessary part of Tae’s life…why he was so beholden to an asshole who
hit him and slept with someone else. I’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but
knowing Taehyung the way I do I’m sure it was a major factor.
“Please? You know you can’t resist giving me what I want, Yogi-hyung, look at
me.” I avoided him. ”Look at me, damn it!” he demanded. I chanced a glance,
expecting to see some resentment or even the slightest bit of anger or
annoyance…at the very least, disappointment. All I saw was his love and concern
for me. I inhaled sharply. “I love you, Min Yoongi. None of this is your fault,
nor is it mine. You didn’t do this, Kim Taesuk did because he was blinded by
grief. He is a sick, twisted, evil old man who took out his anger on a helpless
kid. There was nothing you could do. Besides, I’m okay now. I’m in counseling
and I have people supporting me.” His warm palm went to my cheek, and I hurried
to hold it there with my own hands…nuzzling into his touch. “And most
importantly, I have you again.”
“But you suffered because of me.”
“It was my choice to stay there.”
“You stayed for me and I never showed up.”
“I’d go through it all over again if it leads me here, to this moment.”
I shook my head angrily. “I’m shit. I’m not worth it.”
He kissed me. “You aren’t…and you are.” He beamed at me, and my breath caught
in my throat.
“It seems like our time apart has turned me into a crybaby. Sorry…I don’t know
why I’m like this.”
“I don’t mind it. I love it that you don’t hold back or hide from me. If you
couldn’t cry in front of me, it would mean that we weren’t as close as I
thought.”
I took a few calming breaths, my misery somewhat subsiding. “After all of that,
I’m really not ready to share what happened to me right now. Can we wait? I
feel like it’ll be too much too soon.”
“It has to be tonight, Yoongi-hyung.” I frowned. “We’ll look at the stars a bit
more before you start though, okay?” I nodded as I crawled from his lap,
sniffling and wiping my face with my sleeves. He rested on his back, arms
outstretched; I got as close as possible to him, head on his shoulder. I sighed
in contentment when he brought his arm up and squeezed my shoulder. He watched
the sky, I watched him. “You’re supposed to be looking at the sky, Yogi-hyung.”
He looked over at me. “Stop staring at me and look at the stars.”
I could feel his body heating up as I watched color bloom on his cheeks. “I’m
looking at the most beautiful, brightest one, brat.” He smiled before poking me
in the side with his other hand. “Ah, I’m such a cheesy mess for you, Min
Taehyung.”
“Still with the husband stuff, yeah? And here I was worried that you wouldn’t
want me anymore.” He laughed lightly, looking back up at the sky.
I scoffed. “As if that were possible. To prove it…” I pulled his Taijitu
necklace from my pocket and held it up in the moonlight; he gasped. “I know I
said I wouldn’t return it until you made a decision, but fuck it. I don’t have
to wait for you to pick me because I choose you.” He sat up enough for me to
secure the necklace around his neck. He took the charm between his fingers,
studying it lovingly before kissing it.
He settled down next to me again, this time he rested in the crook of my
shoulder. “Thank you, my Yogi. I’ll never take it off again, I promise.”
“I’m holding you to that.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek, silently
rejoicing that I could but also still beating myself up about my failure as his
protector. I couldn’t get past it, but I swallowed my sorrow for Tae’s sake.
We stared up at the stars for a long time in silence. My sniffles finally
subsided and Taehyung’s eyes were no longer filled with unshed tears. He spoke
up out of nowhere as I was deep in thought. “You know what, hyung? We spend a
lot of time looking up at the sky even though we’re always beefing with it.”
“Damn, never thought about that.” I laughed quietly. “I remember way back when
you said I was like the sun and you were the moon? That’s was the day we
started cursing at clouds.”
“And we pissed off the sun earlier today…”
I muttered, “That jealous bitch.” Taehyung tittered next to me and I forced a
smile. My mind had stalled on how shitty I was as a boyfriend. The entire time
Tae needed me, I wasn’t strong enough to be there for him. I was too caught up
in my own shit and didn’t even think about what he was going through while we
were apart. I had been lost in my own despair and hadn’t considered him. I’d
fucked up.
“We should put on a show for the moon and stars,” he stated firmly.”
Too lost in my thoughts, I had only heard part of what he said. “Put on a show?
Tae, what in the ever loving fuck—“
He rolled over on top of me before I could finish, bracing my head up with one
hand and the other digging into my waist. His eyes were wide and playful as he
cutely bit his tongue between his teeth. “Yogi-hyung…put on a show.” He raised
his brows twice, suggestively. “Let them watch us for a bit.”
Even though he was obviously trying to distract me, I was still hung up on
Tae’s story; I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I had been
playing along only half-heartedly, unable to let go of my guilt. In my mind, I
desperately tried to come up with ways to make sure Tae never got hurt again. I
also thought of ways to improve myself for him. “What? Who’s looking at us?”
He shook his head. “Hyung…are you really this dense?” He slotted his knee
between my legs and I felt his hand slip beneath my waistband, his fingernails
grazing me lightly. Then he pressed down into me as he nibbled my neck.
“You…me…putting on a show for the moon and stars. Get it?”
I felt a tug in my abdomen and my skin started to tingle. Got it. “Oh…oh, a
show.” I found his hips and held him tight against me. I pushed all thoughts
aside, grateful for a chance to lose myself in Tae. “For those bastards in the
sky. Full length or trailer?” My hands slowly slid around to find his ass; I
molded it roughly and grinded against him, thoroughly enjoying the sight of his
eyes rolling back into his head as his triumphant grin lit up the night.
“Trailer…what have they done to deserve the full show? Only I get to see all of
you, hyung,” he murmured, voice husky. He undid the button on my pants and a
warm palm slid down my thigh. “Let’s pick up from where we left off earlier
today and throw a big fuck you to the moon and the stars.”
I growled, rolling us over until I was on top of him. His eyes, full of
mischief and glee, reflected the twinkling stars above. “Fuck the moon, fuck
the stars…fuck ‘em all.” He laughed as I lapped inside his warm mouth, trying
in vain to pull him even closer. “By the way, this is your best subject change
tactic yet, hubby,” I whispered against his lips.
“Duh, like I don’t know that,” he shot back before I swallowed his tongue.
                                     *****
I lightly coursed my fingers through his hair. He was still flat on his back,
and I was up on one elbow leaning over him. I had one leg hooked around his,
allowing me to press up firmly against his side. I loved the feel of his skin
against mine; my pants, his jeans, and his sweater long ago discarded. My shirt
was unbuttoned halfway, love bites and bruises littering my chest, neck and
shoulders.
Tae was completely sated. His eyes were closed and he hummed happily, one hand
fisting my shirt and the other wrapped around me. I, on the other hand, was far
from satisfied. I was starved. After ten years of missing his kisses, his
touch, his warmth…I wanted more and more of him. Just one heavy make out
session, that small taste alone had me craving his soft, warm hands around my
length, his long, dexterous fingers inside me, his hot, wet mouth swallowing me
whole…I wanted to reciprocate that plus do more to him. I restrained myself
because we still had a lot of shit to sift through. Moving too fast would do
more harm than good, and I didn’t want anything to fuck up our reconciliation.
So, although I wanted nothing more than to fuck him until he screamed himself
hoarse, I had to focus on sharing my past with him…or at least, that’s what Tae
was arguing at the moment.
“Are you sure you want to talk about this now, Tae? I feel like the night was
going so well until we started talking about the serious shit.” I tugged gently
on his locks before leaning down to capture his lips again. “We can save it for
another time and do other things…fun things. I still owe you a moonlit chopper
ride. And what about that striptease? I may not be as agile as the Grimace, but
I think I’m easier on the eyes.”
He giggled shaking his head from side to side. “All of this sharing nonsense
was your idea, remember? I was more than happy to let it rest, but no, you
couldn’t wait. You made me tell mine and it was hard as hell to admit that
stuff to you…to show you. It’s only fair if you do too.”
“But we’re just getting back into our happy groove. I don’t want to dwell too
much on sad shit. There’s so much more I’d rather do…like kiss you here—“ I
pecked the tip of his nose. “—or lick you here.” I licked a fat stripe up the
length of his neck and he shivered. “Or suck right here.” I went for the
sensitive spot behind his ear, his weakness, biting it first before sucking it
gently. I gripped his waist tightly, pulling his lower half into me as I
worked.
“Ngh…Yogi-hyung,” he moaned, turning onto his side so that I could have better
access. I made him forget for a few precious seconds. I fed off of his moans,
throwing a bit more enthusiasm into my work. “Hmmm…. Min Yoongi!” He pushed me
away lightheartedly and pouted…he was so cute. “Nice try. Stop stalling and
spill it.”
I reluctantly let him go. “Okay. But it’s nowhere near as bad as yours.” I
cleared my throat as he settled down close to me, looking up expectantly. “I
hope you don’t think less of me when you hear how pathetic I was then. Don’t be
too angry with me, okay?” He pulled me down for a quick kiss, smiling ruefully
afterwards. “It all started that morning, you know, the morning you left. You
saw my condition; I stayed in that same spot for hours, crying. My father
rushed me to the hospital when he found me, but I they couldn’t do much. I was
gone, Tae.”
“They didn’t keep me at the hospital for long, figuring my condition was
temporary due to trauma. Hell, I thought it was too. The first week after I was
released, I threw myself into trying to track you down. Of course, you know now
that your grandfather made sure that was impossible. When Eomma announced that
we were moving, I threw a tantrum; I stopped speaking.” Tae snuggled up close,
one side of his face pressed against my chest. I stroked his hair lightly; I
felt his hum vibrating in my chest. “When we left Daegu, I felt like I was
losing you all over again and I couldn’t deal with it. I was consumed by the
fear of never finding you and I was just so empty. I didn’t care about anything
or anyone. Breathing hurt, living hurt…being without you hurt and I wanted to
die because of the pain. So, I tried to kill myself then…and twice more after I
failed the first time.”
Chapter End Notes
     Taegi is on this emotional rollercoaster that I want no part of, ugh.
     They go from happy to sad, playful to serious, careful to horny...I
     just can't deal. I'm trying to remember if I was smoking when I wrote
     this...it's very possible hehehe. Sorry...not sorry?
     Just kidding, lol. Really they are always over-considerate and hate
     seeing each other sad or stressed, hence they always distract each
     other from their issues until it can be dealt with appropriately.
     It's their thing and it's weird, but also sweet. I'm identifying with
     Yoongi right now because I need clarification too. Tae is saying all
     the right things, but does he really mean them? Also...I kind of wish
     I had made them wait to tell each other everything. Their perfect
     night...not so perfect anymore. :(
     Also, I just noticed that Taehyung doesn't realize that Jungkook saw
     his scars. He still doesn't know that Jungkook had to dress him and
     carry him out of the mansion. Wow...these little details keep popping
     up.
***** Yoongi Goes Down the Rabbit Hole *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi wants to end his suffering.
Chapter Notes
     Early upload since I'm going to be so busy tomorrow that I won't have
     time. So here goes...
     I did a lot of research and pulled from my own experience to write
     this chapter. It's very personal to me and I hope it doesn't offend
     anyone. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please
     visit http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html and
     seek help.
     I know sometimes life can seem bleak, harsh, and unwinnable...but
     remember that all of you are precious. Trouble don't last
     always...remember that. I recovered by taking it a day at a time,
     finding just one thing to live for every day (it was usually my
     daughters). I signed myself up for therapy, group and individual, and
     it helped a lot. I'm glad that I survived so I can share my
     experience. I love you all. :-*
     I need to stop preaching all the time, lol.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
1st attempt
He stared up at her with indifference as she fussed over him. He didn’t really
care what she said or what she did, nothing mattered anymore. Not since…
His mind hastened to project a mental image of his dongsaeng’s beautiful face;
it was almost like it craved the torture. Yoongi clutched at his chest,
clawing, wanting to rip out his heart; but if he did that he would lose his
love forever. He wanted to carry his love with him over to the other side; to
whatever afterlife there was. He felt strong hands forcing his own away from
his chest and pinning them at his sides. She didn’t want to see him hurting
himself, but the pain was so worth it; his memory of Taehyung was so vivid, so
clear, it was almost like he was there. He was so close, Yoongi could reach out
and touch him…but he wasn’t there, not really. And he would never be there. He
would never see Taehyung again. Assailed by brutal abdominal cramps, he felt
the urge to vomit; but there was nothing in him to throw up. He wanted to cry,
but he was long past the point of being able to produce tears. Min Yoongi had
not eaten or drank for 26 days.
Yunhee tucked the blankets tightly around his tiny, freezing body. The boy’s
pale skin wrung his skeletal figure. His eyes seemed almost too large, too
bright; a huge contrast to the state of his health. Yoongi was dying, and he
welcomed death with open arms. Life was no longer worth living…not if he had to
do it without Taehyung.
“If I get one more report of you pulling out the IV or the feeding tube again,
I swear I will make them restrain you, Min Yoongi.” She couldn’t hide the fear
in her voice; it was as evident as the bruises under her eyes and the new worry
lines on her face. Her usually manicured fingernails had been chewed down to
nubs and she had been wearing the same clothes for almost a week. She grabbed
some tissues from the bedside table and mopped up the remnants from the severe
nosebleed the boy had just had. “If I have to knock you out myself, you will
eat. You will drink. You will not die on me, kid. Do you hear me?” Despite the
fierceness of her words, Yoongi saw the absolute terror in his mother’s eyes as
she scolded him. “If I have to force food down your throat myself fistful by
fistful.”
In an effort to avoid his mother’s accusing glare, he shifted his emaciated
frame and almost fainted from the pain shooting throughout his limbs. He would
have cried out, but he couldn’t. His swollen tongue and the constant presence
of thick saliva made forming syllables, much less words, a difficult task. Not
to mention the discomfort of moving his dry, cracked, and eternally bleeding
lips. It would take far more effort to make a sound than it would to just take
the pain. So he took it.
“You’re not the only one grieving, Yoongi. How do you think I feel? You think
you love him more than I do?” A glint of anger sparked in the boy’s eyes. “If
you did, you know he would hate what you’re doing to yourself. Your pain is his
pain, Yoongi. You would make the person you love most suffer like this?” He
turned away, shutting his eyes as dry sobs shook him. “Don’t you think I’m
scared out of my mind too? He’s gone and it’s killing me, Yoongs. It hurts.
I’ve already lost SoSo and Tae…are you so cruel that you would make me suffer
losing you too? If you die on me, I will kill you!” He ignored her.
Min Seung Gi entered the room, austere and defeated with a backpack hanging
from one shoulder. When he saw that Yoongi was awake and that Yunhee was
angrily standing over him, he plastered on a bright smile and teased,
“Threatening my son again, honey? I’ve told you that you’ll have to go through
me first…” He went to Yoongi first and gently kissed his forehead. “Hey, son.
How are you holding up?” He stroked the boy’s scalp tenderly to console him.
When the boy had calmed, Seung Gi slid a chair over so that he could sit next
to the now seated Yunhee, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her in for a
kiss. “Hey babe.”
Yoongi wanted to smile, but couldn’t. That moment…he wanted something like that
so badly with Taehyung. He would never have it because life was cruel and
unfair. He had waited too long and now Taehyung was gone. He was beyond
Yoongi’s reach and there was nothing left to do but let go. He was ready for it
to be over…the pain was too much to bear.
“Anything?” Yunhee asked softly.
At this Yoongi turned to his father, anxiety muting the pain it took to move.
His eyebrows rose in anticipation...
“No…nothing. But we’ll discuss that later. Yoongi, I have your homework.” The
boy rolled his eyes in response. “Don’t give me that. You’re graduating high
school or I’m going to let Yunhee have her way with you.” His wife glared at
Yoongi, who nervously gulped. “That’s what I thought. Besides, how are you
going to take care of my future son-in-law if you can’t even pass Abstract
Algebra?”
Yoongi clung to the false hope supplied by his father and grudgingly followed
along as his father lectured on vector spaces. He clung to that hope
desperately, knowing that it would not last long. It never did.
                                     *****
Yoongi slept like a corpse, breathing shallowly as his mother and father spoke
in hushed tones.
“I can’t stand it…looking at him in this condition kills me, Yun."
"It may sound morbid, but I wish he had chosen a different way to do it. One
where he didn’t have to suffer so much pain. No mother wants to see her child
die first, but seeing him like this…” she shook her head.
“Honestly, we’re lucky he wants to torture himself first. It gives us a
fighting chance at least. We can’t let him do this to himself.”
“We won’t…now that we have a plan of action.”
“Did you let anything slip?” Seung Gi asked, crushing Yunhee against him in a
comforting hug.
She shook her head again. “No, he has no idea. He’s going to be pissed at us
for interfering.”
“I don’t care. I’d rather he be mad at me for a little while than gone forever.
What did the doctors say today? Are the medications doing anything?”
“His stomach and intestines have begun to dry out. That’s what causes the
abdominal pains and dry heaving. If he continues like this organ failure is
next. They still refuse to administer medications. With him being so empty,
they don’t know how the drugs would react with his body chemistry. The doctor
said it might only help him leave us faster.”
“In other words, they can’t treat the depression because he’s starving himself.
And he’s starving himself because he’s depressed. Shit…” He ran his fingers
through his hair in frustration.
“Any word on him…on our other little one?”
“No. I think Kim-ssi paid a shitload of money to make sure there was no trail.
The investigator can’t even access the family register. The most we’ve found
was that footage of Taehyung the day of their departure. On that concourse
there were flights to New York, California, Illinois, and Canada. There were
also three chartered jets at that time. He could be anywhere. I’m trying to get
surveillance videos from each of those airports to see if he shows up anywhere.
If he doesn’t, then he had to have been on one of those jets. The manifests
should be filed, but Kim was so thorough that they may have been destroyed or
purposely lost. It’s not much info to go on, but we can’t give up yet.”
“I’m so worried about him. I know he’s with his family, but SoSo and her father
didn’t get along. I don’t know anything about the man, but him not allowing me
to pay respect to my sister tells me all I need to know. I want Tae here, where
I can make sure he’s okay.” She stood, pacing angrily. “I haven’t even seen him
since before…” she choked up. “I worry that he’s suffering the way Yoongi is.
It breaks my heart to think of it, Seung Gi. We have to find our baby.”
“We will…for both their sakes.”
She sat down, deflated. “He’s so close to death, honey…I’m really scared.” She
stared at the frail boy slumbering in bed; he had removed his IV line and
tucked it under his arm again. She gave her husband a pleading look and he
nodded grimly. He had seen it too. She pressed the call button to alert the
front desk that Yoongi was asleep. The worried parents had planned this out
with the staff earlier in the day.
Seung Gi nodded. “We’re doing the right thing. We should have done so a long
time ago.”
“An induced coma…it seems a bit drastic.” She sighed heavily, leaning again on
her husband’s shoulder. “I thought he would have bounced back by now. He’s
always been so strong.”
“I had hoped so, Yunnie. But he loves too hard,” he nudged his wife. “Just like
his dad. If I ever lost you…” He stared ntensely and lovingly down at his wife,
who promptly turned pink. “This is the only way we can hope to get food into
him. The doctors will be here soon. It was brilliant to get them to come while
he’s asleep, when he can’t fight back.” He leaned forward to brush the boy’s
bangs out his eyes. “You can put the blame on me if you need to…when he wakes
up.”
She fiercely shook her head. “We’ll share the blame. When we do find our Tae
and Yoongi’s alive to see it, I’m not going to just sit there and let you take
all the glory. We’re in this together,” she said stubbornly.
He looked at her fondly. “Ah, Yunhee…don’t ever change.” He kissed her gently,
sweetly.
Yoongi slept on peacefully and blissfully unaware as his mind projected perfect
images of Taehyung into his dreams. He didn’t wake up until two weeks later,
muscles atrophied and voice gone. His color had returned, his weight was up,
and he was able to ingest medicine for his depression. He refused to see or
talk to his parents for several months, but he was alive.
2nd Attempt
Yoongi left the lecture hall feeling like an utter failure. Even though he had
just handed in the test, he knew it was another failing grade. If he didn’t get
his shit together he would fail this semester. As if he cared anyway. Grades
didn’t matter, nothing mattered.
He couldn’t concentrate when he had such a big day ahead of him anyway. First,
a meeting with his nutritionist to check his food journal and weight, then
another meeting with a therapist to see if the new medicines were working;
Yoongi had no idea because he never took them. But the most important meeting
was at the coffee shop with his private investigator.
“Is it really you this time?” he asked the apparition strolling beside him. The
boy’s sun-kissed skin glowed with an ethereal luminescence that intensified his
beauty. The boy held out his hand and Yoongi hastened to grab it, only to meet
air. The boy smiled sadly at him before biting his lip nervously, but kept pace
at his side. “I want it to be you. I need it to be you.”
There was a chance with this one, this possible match. Same age, same hair
color, same name. The boy was found in Atlanta, Georgia. His grandfather was
the CEO to a privately owned corporation, parents dead. Everything fit. But the
pictures sent in the email failed to capture any face shots.
He had spent countless hours staring at the back of this boy’s head, trying to
determine if it could be his Tae. His brain told him that the boy wasn’t
remotely similar; his heart couldn’t help hoping that this was it. He was
beyond rational thought. After countless other Kang Taehyungs had disappointed
him, chipping away at his sanity bit by bit, this boy had to be the one…he just
had to be.
                                     *****
Yoongi entered the coffee shop, heart racing as he searched out the private
investigator. The man sat at a table in the back, waving Yoongi over. Yoongi
scowled, pushing his way through a throng of peppy students his age before
sinking into a chair at the man’s table. “Finally, you made it. Would you like
to order before we start?” the man asked.
“No. And we don’t need to start. I told you that I don’t want to see any
bullshit on paper or any other nonsense. All I need is a picture from the
front. Did you do as I asked?”
“Yes. He seems to be a match to how you described him. Large, wide brown eyes.
Slightly large nose. Expressive…”
“Does he look like the boy from the picture I sent you?”
“Close, but his features could have changed over time.”
“It’s only been a few years, they wouldn’t change to the point of me not
recognizing him.”
“Unless he had plastic surgery. We don’t know for sure how far his grandfather
went to ensure he stays hidden.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes. “Just let me see the fucking picture.” The man
dramatically slid the photo across the table face down; Yoongi rolled his eyes
again before flipping it over. His heart was so set on seeing Taehyung that he
actually did for a moment. Then his brain stepped in…beyond his hair color, the
boy looked nothing like Kang Taehyung. The eyes were too small, too far apart,
and the wrong color brown. The lips were not pink enough. The forehead too
wide. The teeth, not straight enough. The skin color all wrong.
Nine…nine times he had gone through this with the same result. He was
heartbroken of course, but he was also pissed. He looked over at the PI,
suspicion and rage temporarily blinding him. “I’m guessing you knew already,
right? You fucking knew that it wasn’t him yet you wasted my time and risked my
wrath? You must be a brave man.” He stood briskly, stiffly, trying to control
his rage. “Finish your drink and then meet me outside. If I were you, I
wouldn’t try to run.” He irately stormed from the café, leaving the man shaking
as he took small sips of his latte, hoping that the terrifying man would calm a
bit if he let some time pass.
He was wrong.
                                     *****
Yoongi winced as his bleeding knuckles strained to grip the bottle. He drank
the vodka directly from its container before slamming it down on the coffee
table and staring at the kit. It was a quick, easy solution. All he had to do
was cut deep and then wait to bleed out. Then he could stop feeling forever.
This torture would be over.
His cellphone blared, a picture of Hoseok lighting up the screen. Surely he
wanted to know whether the lead on Taehyung had panned out; Yoongi didn’t want
to tell him he had failed again. He declined the call and then removed the
battery.
This last Kang Taehyung, he was the last straw.
From the moment he woke up in the hospital three years ago, he’d been
accompanied by darkness and loneliness. The heartache gnawed away at him;
weighed on him heavily and made every day unbearable. It got to the point that
even taking a shower or brushing his teeth took too much effort. He had seen
himself in the mirror one day and didn’t recognize the person he saw there, so
he had taken the mirror down. Nothing mattered anymore…not when there was a
Taehyung-sized hole where his heart used to be. Nothing mattered.
He hadn’t taken medication in over a year, but he kept refilling the
prescription to keep everyone off of his back. He didn’t want to live anymore,
but his parents and Hoseok strung him along with shady leads and false hopes of
him reuniting with the one person in this world who mattered to him. And he
played along knowing what they were up to, though there really was no chance in
hell he would ever find Taehyung again. He knew that. But then he would get a
picture in an email and for a second he would believe that they were going to
reunite. For a second he would hope…but none of the pictures were ever of his
Taehyung. Yoongi would sink deeper with each disappointment, and he would hate
his family and friend for making him go through it all.
He loved his family and knew that they did this all out of love for him, but
they didn’t realize how much easier life would be if he weren’t there. They
wouldn’t stress or worry; they wouldn’t have to try and hide their tears and
whispers. They wouldn’t have to scramble around and find fake ass Kang
Taehyungs to parade in front of him. They would be free to just live and be
happy.
He looked at the kit. He wondered where Taehyung was right now. He wondered
what he was doing, what he was wearing. Did he still think of Yoongi? Did he
still love Yoongi? Was he still waiting?
He undid the Velcro straps and unfolded the black, cloth kit. Inside was a
straight razor, a steak knife, regular loose razors, an exacto knife and a
Uline box cutter. It had been a long time since he’d cut. He’d started after
the first fake Kang Taehyung. He’d never cut deep, just shallow surface cuts
that healed quickly and left no permanent scars. The high he got when he felt a
blade brush against his skin was better than the strongest liquor, the hardest
drug. When he cut, it was the only time he felt anything other than uninhibited
anger or unbearable grief.
He let his fingers affectionately linger on each tool, burning with desire,
aching to pick up any one of them and bury it deep within his flesh. He could
end this nightmare called life. He could finally find peace. He could give his
family their freedom. And maybe one day, if the gods took pity, Taehyung would
join him and they could spend the rest of eternity together. It was a beautiful
thought. He wanted it more than anything.
He wanted to see him again…suddenly Taehyung was there. He sat next to Yoongi,
tears streaming down his face and judgment wafting off of him in waves. Yoongi
reached out to comfort him, but he was gone just as quickly as he had appeared.
Unaware of the tears streaming down his own face, Yoongi laid his left forearm
flat on the table and didn’t think twice before grabbing the box cutter, fully
extending the blade, and jamming it into his wrist. He smiled at burn,
fascinated by the blood pooling under. He heard the door swing open…Hoseok
stood there breathless, hands on his knees.
“Yoongs…” When Hoseok noticed the box cutter sticking up out of the pale boy’s
wrist, Yoongi smiled apologetically. “Yoongs…no.” As he broke out into a
sprint, Yoongi dragged the box cutter vertically up his arm, eyelids
fluttering.
Then came darkness…
3rd Attempt
Yoongi walked out of the psychiatric hospital feeling worse than he had when
he’d entered almost four months ago. It had taken this long to fool the
assholes in charge into believing that he was okay. He would never be okay, not
when there was no Kang Taehyung by his side.
His time in the hospital had been hell, so much so that it almost made living
life without Taehyung seem bearable. Almost. He spent his first three days
there strapped down and screaming on a stretcher, waiting for intake. After he
had been diagnosed and recommended for involuntary admission, he was wheeled
into the ward and given a spot in an open bay with 17 other patients. There was
no privacy or peace there.
During his first week he had witnessed a patient bite off the tip of his tongue
and spit it and a mouthful of blood at a nurse. Days later he awoke to the guy
from two beds down painting on the wall using his own vomit. He had witnessed a
few abusive staff members beat a patient into submission because he wouldn’t
stop screaming in the middle of the night. He saw all he needed to see; Yoongi
toed the line, taking his meds and participating in group and individual
counseling. He had worked like hell in physical therapy to regain use of his
hand. He was determined to get out of that place at all costs; there was no way
in hell he could die in a place like that.
Visits from his parents only brought on more disappointment, more feelings of
failure. And Hoseok only yelled at him. He started denying visitation when
seeing them became too much to bear. They were hindering his progress,
unintentionally making him want to repeat…if he tried to repeat, he would never
get out of there. He suppressed the urge and pretended that he was okay.
Eventually, he got the clear from some guy in a suit and he was freed.
Yoongi hightailed it the fuck out of dodge with nary a backward glance. He had
suffered greatly during his stay; he witnessed many things that he wanted to
erase from his memory. He called his personal driver and after swearing him to
secrecy about his release, finally made it back to his empty, dark apartment
after one stop along the way. He had a few things to take care of before he
finished things once and for all.
He sent an email to Hoseok first, instructing him to donate a large sum of
money to the hospital he had just vacated. He specified how the money should be
spent—qualified and vetted new hires, training, personal rooms, and
upgrades—and put Hoseok in charge to make sure his demands were met. He thanked
his friend for putting up with him and told him that he loved him.
Next, he emailed his parents. He told them how much he missed them and that he
loved them. He asked them to take care of his properties and encouraged them to
give up their search for Taehyung. He advised them to spend some quality,
stress-free time together…to take a trip and enjoy each other.
The last email was to Kang Taehyung. Yoongi admitted how weak he was as a man
and shared his plan. He absolved Taehyung of any guilt, and reassured him that
he was still as deeply in love with him as he’d always been. He told Taehyung
he would wait for him on the other side, but that he shouldn’t rush to meet him
there. He told the boy to be happy and to meet him only after living his life
to the fullest. The email was returned as undeliverable.
He ignored the notification sound indicating he had received an email, knowing
that it was probably Hoseok or his parents replying. He walked over to the bag
he had brought in with him and grabbed the rope bundled inside…he tied his
knots. He dragged a chair over to the light fixture and hung his noose. Then he
went to his bar and grabbed two bottles of 151 Bacardi. He doused his
furniture, the bar, the floors—everything in his line of vision—with the
alcohol. He dug into his junk dish on the coffee table and found an old pack of
matches from some retro restaurant Hoseok had dragged him to a long time ago.
He lit the entire pack and threw it at the bar.
Yoongi reeled from the instant heat, though there was a huge smile on his face
at knowing the deed was almost done. As flames lapped at his feet, he calmly
walked over to the chair and stepped up. He heard Hoseok’s ringtone chase away
the quiet, calm of the empty apartment; he ignored it. He placed the noose
around his neck, taking a few seconds to watch his world burn…it was a
beautiful sight. Magical even. Right before he leapt from the chair, he spoke
aloud the one word he had avoided saying the last few years: Taehyung. He
jumped.
As he dangled there, legs spasmodic and fingers clawing at his neck on reflex,
he saw the fire devour everything in its path. The heat he felt from the flames
could hardly compare to the warmth in one kiss from Kang Taehyung. At the
thought of his lover’s name, memories of their short time together flooded his
brain. Yoongi fought a little harder to cling to consciousness, not wanting to
lose these images…not yet.
He saw their first kiss as kids under the table on New Year’s. He saw them
drawing on the sides of a huge tub with fizzing crayons as they bathed
together. He saw Tae struggling to stay still during opening ceremony for the
first day of school as he watched from the crowd. He saw the younger boy
sneaking his meat onto the elder’s own plate so that he could grow and be even
stronger. He saw Taehyung’s eyes as he looked up in amazement at the
constellations for the first time. He saw Taehyung looking at him with so much
love and admiration as Yoongi graduated middle school; he’d been so distracted
by the younger that he had tripped over his own feet and almost took down the
person in front of him. He saw Taehyung taking his bows on stage to raucous
applause and cheers before seeking Yoongi out in the crowd and blowing him a
kiss. He saw Tae smiling. He saw Tae laughing. He saw Tae crying, digging his
nails into Yoongi’s shoulders as he moaned his name. He saw Taehyung lost and
broken, leaving him.
Image after image, moment after moment hit him…he would never know these things
again. After tonight he would never see Taehyung again. He would never feel his
touch or hear his voice. He would never get to call him brat or hug him or kiss
him. He would never get to love him. Never.
And Taehyung would be out there waiting for a love that would never come. He
would hate Yoongi. He would move on with someone else and let all of their
precious memories die. Yoongi would be forgotten. Taehyung wouldn’t greet him
on the other side; he would really lose Taehyung forever.
Reality sunk in as darkness threatened to claim him. This wasn’t what he
wanted. Killing himself was not the answer. He grabbed at the rope crushing his
windpipe and focused on not panicking. Instead of gasping for air he held his
breath. He stopped flailing around and stabilized his swinging, tensing his
neck. He dug his fingers underneath the rope and pulled, relieving a bit of the
pressure around his throat. He was able to breathe again, now choking as he
inhaled large quantities of rancid, smoke filled air. He wouldn’t be able to
break the rope or pull down the light fixture…his only hope was to reach the
chair. If he could reach the chair behind him, he could stand and loosen the
noose with no problem.
Flames danced across the floor, consuming everything it touched. He frantically
felt around with his foot as the inferno intensified, advancing slowly towards
him. His toes found purchase on something…then came the explosion. A surprised
Yoongi kicked the chair…it wobbled dangerously before he was able to steady it.
The fire had found the liquor cabinet stocked with copious amounts and
varieties of bottles. This resulted in a resounding boom, which sent
projectiles of glass shards and splintered wood flying in all directions.
Yoongi ducked his head as much as he could so that his eyes wouldn’t get
injured.
Yoongi finally got both feet on the now stationary chair and stood. Still
gagging and coughing from the smoke, he tore the noose from around his abused
throat. He untied the rope from the fixture and threw it into the flames.
Breathing heavily, he leapt from the chair, landing in a crouch. He kept low to
floor, eyes burning and coughs wrecking his already injured throat, quickly
making his way to the door and out into the hallway.
Blurred vision and profuse coughing threatened to force him to his knees, but
he made his way to the fire alarm and pulled it before collapsing on the ground
and vomiting. He lay prostrate, staring up at the ceiling as he waited for help
to arrive. The elevator dinged; he looked over to see a panicked Hoseok running
towards him cell glued to his ear as he yelled out the address. He fell to the
ground, already examining Yoongi and checking for damage. He helped his boss to
his feet and dragged him over to the elevator.
“You idiot! Why didn’t you tell me you’d been released? Do you know how worried
I was? How worried your parents are?” He hit Yoongi on the shoulder before
pressing the down button. “What did you do this time?”
“It’s…” he struggled to speak, abused throat burning. “…okay. I’m okay.”
“Okay? In what way, Yoongs? Explain to me how a fucking three alarm fire is
okay! And don’t think I didn’t see the markings around your neck.”
Yoongi’s hand unconsciously went up to massage the burns. “Okay as in I’ve had
an epiphany, okay? I’m going to try; I really want to get better.”
He stood there hands on his hips. “Does this mean that this nonsense is over?
That you’re going to stop hurting yourself and everyone around you over some
guy who obviously doesn’t want to be found?”
“No, he’s waiting for me.” Yoongi ran his hand through his hair in irritation.
“Somehow, I had forgotten that he’s out there waiting for me. It’s why I
stopped. I’m not saying I’m suddenly all better, just that I want to be. I
don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, but today I feel like I want to live. I have
to live for him.”
Hoseok stood there mouth agape. “You were going to…again? For this boy, you
would do that?” He forcefully pushed Yoongi. “You would do that to your family?
To me?”
“I was…but then I didn’t. I couldn’t, not without finding him first.”
“So, fuck us right? Fuck the people who have been there for you and looking out
for you and fighting for you. You don’t give a damn about how we feel. Just
phantom boy.”
“It’s not like that at all. And you’d better not let my parents hear you speak
like that about T—" he flinched, "him. You have no idea how much he means to
all of us.”
“Of course I don’t know, he’s NEVER FUCKING BEEN THERE!” He grabbed Yoongi by
the shoulders. “You can’t even say his name without that stupid fucking pained
expression!”
“Even so, I have to find him. Hobi, I have to have him.” He jerked himself from
Hoseok’s grip. Firefighters burst forth from the stairwell entrance and poured
out of the elevator; I pointed them towards my apartment. “I have to find him…I
won’t give up until he’s in my arms again.” He stepped inside the elevator. “I
love him.”
Hoseok followed his superior and pressed for the lobby. “Well, I hate him. For
hurting you and your parents…I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him. If he and I
ever meet…”
“You—you’re really pushing it, Hoseok.” He tried to contain his anger, fists
trembling. “You don’t understand. None of this is his fault. It took me this
long to realize how much my actions would affect him, so it’s unfair to blame
him when he’s innocent in all of this. If he knew what I did, what I’ve been
doing he’d be just as pissed as you are.”
“I don’t give a flying fuck how he would feel. He hurt you and your parents. In
my eyes, he’s shit and doesn’t deserve to—“
Yoongi grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the elevator wall
before he could finish whatever he was about to say. He wrapped a strong hand
around the younger’s neck and squeezed. “I think you may have forgotten your
place, Jung Hoseok. I consider you a friend, but if you ever speak like that
about him again that fact won’t help you. You’ll only ever get this one time,
do you understand?” Hoseok nodded quickly, visibly repentant, and Yoongi let
him go. “Your anger at him is baseless. He didn’t give me depression. He didn’t
tell me to self-harm. It’s an illness that I developed all on my own. You
attacking him won’t help me at all, in fact, it only pisses me off.”
“I’m sorry, Yoongs. I let my emotions get the best of me and let my mouth run
away from me. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“Fine. Apology accepted.”
Hoseok shook his head, frowning. “If this is what love is like, I hope I never
fall.”
The doors opened into the lobby; they strolled out together. “You don’t have to
worry about that. There is no love like the one he and I share.” He patted
Hoseok on the back. “You’ll never experience anything like what we have.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“It is, you just don’t know it. You only see the aftermath. You weren’t
fortunate enough to witness the rest of it. You don’t know the ‘me’ I was when
I was with him.”
Hoseok muttered, “The ‘you’ you are now is just fine with me. He’s the only
part of you I don’t like.”
Yoongi grit his teeth. “Jung Hoseok, do you need to be reminded of your place
again?”
Hoseok blanched. “No, sir. Sorry. You should get checked out by the paramedics
and then call your parents. Your email really scared them.”
“While I do that, call the private investigators. Tell them to extend the
search to Canada and that I want daily updates on progress.”
“Yes, sir.” He pulled out his phone immediately and dialed.
Yoongi walked over to the paramedics with a sense of purpose. He would get
better. He would find Taehyung. He had to see him, to touch him, to hold him…to
love him. And he would never leave his side again. “He is all that matters,” he
said with strength and resolve.
Chapter End Notes
     So, Yoongi...seeing him battling like that really hurts because I
     know exactly what he was going through. Ugh, this was such a tough
     chapter to write, especially the starvation part. Seeing those images
     and reading personal accounts, it's such a cruel and painful way to
     die.
     And I know Hoseok means well but, I kind of want to slap him. I guess
     it's because he's judging Tae without knowing him and blaming him for
     something he has no control over.
     Lastly, I absolutely love Yoongi's parents. They are so supportive
     and loving.
     I'll see you all in the comments...
***** Actions Speak Louder than Words *****
Chapter Summary
     After hearing Yoongi's story, Taehyung's emotions are all over the
     fucking place, emphasis on the 'fucking'.
Chapter Notes
     Hello, my lovelies. I'm feeling really blessed after seeing all of
     the posters. Our boys are oh so lovely, aren't they? If I had to pick
     a fave, it's tied between Suga, Jin, and Tae. Ah...we are a lucky
     fandom ARMY. I'm so psyched for this comeback. I'm uploading this
     chapter just because I'm so happy, and because I can hehehehe. I try
     to stay six or seven chapters ahead, so it was just sitting there
     anyway. I'll write something quickly to replace this one. <3
     I hope all you Taegi fans enjoy it. There's two chapters of them left
     before it's back to Taekook so enjoy them while you can. I look
     forward to your reactions. See you in the comments.
     P.S. Is anybody else addicted to Killing Stalking and screaming after
     reading Chapter 30? Ugh...I need somebody to vent to about it lol.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“And that’s that. I may have left out a bit, but it’s not because I’m trying to
keep things from you. I really don’t remember much. I honestly didn’t focus on
other things besides my misery for those first four years, so most of the
details are lost to me. My parents had to fill me in on a lot of it when I got
better. Once I realized that I needed to live long enough to find you, I got
real help. I got a new prescription for my depression and started taking
therapy seriously. My doctor recommended I get a hobby, so I took up flying to
help me deal with my grief. I started living again and focused on staying
healthy with the hope of meeting you again. For the rest of our time apart if
it wasn’t school, work, or you, it didn’t matter.”
I was dumbfounded. He stood there talking as if none of what he said mattered.
Like it was no big deal. Unimportant even. “That’s that?”
He shrugged. “It was a long time ago, Tae. I’m over it. I’ve been over it. My
only worry is how you feel about what I did, and if it changes things between
us.”
I looked up at the man I loved more than life itself and was surprised to find
myself angry. Of course I was sympathetic and sad. I hated the idea of him
suffering so much that he didn’t want to live. But mostly I was angry. He could
have died and I would have never known. I would have had to live without seeing
him ever again; it was horrifying to imagine. If I had given in to Kookie
earlier and then heard this it would have destroyed me.
And what if he had succeeded? I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to say goodbye.
Just like with Eomma and Appa, I would have lost him forever and had no
closure. Outraged, I pushed him away and stood, putting some distance between
us. I could feel my hands vibrating in irritation. I wanted to yell at him, to
scream at him. “You are such an idiot. How could you do that?”
“If you love me as much as I think you do, you know exactly how I felt back
then. When you left you took my soul with you. At first, I felt empty and alone
and afraid and anxious…lost. I had no idea what a life without you was supposed
to be like. I felt nothing. Utter nothingness. That was the worst, not feeling
anything. I had nothing, nobody to live for. It was painful, Tae…it was too
hard.”
“Hard?” I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to stand there and say that after
hearing my story. “Hard, Min Yoongi? You broke your promise to me. You swore
that you would come and that we would have our future, yet you were willing to
give up so easily. I did my part but you didn’t even try! I didn’t mean enough
to you for you to try.” I shook my head slowly as I stared at him in judgment.
"You are a coward.”
As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted them. I sounded so ridiculously
weak and childish; self-absorbed even. I could already feel the steam leaving
me as the reality of his struggle with self-harm seeped into my brain. I had
gotten so angry at the thought of never being able to see him again that I had
callously disregarded his illness. I wanted to take it all back, but the pesky
thing about words…once spoken they were impossible to reclaim.
Luckily, Yoongi was unfazed by my outburst and recognized my panic. “For the
millionth time, I’ve only ever been weak when it comes to you, Taehyung. You
already know this.” He walked over and wrapped his arms around my waist,
resting his chin on my shoulder. “And we’ve both broken promises to each other,
so you should be more understanding. I’m truly sorry, hubby for not considering
you back then. I should have thought more about how my actions would affect you
after everything you went through back then. Please forgive me.” He kissed my
shoulder. “Please?”
After a brief internal struggle on whether to push him away or pull him closer,
I held his hands in place on my abdomen and let out a long, calming exhalation.
He had suffered a lot on his own, and I wasn’t about to be an asshole and shame
him for a mental disorder that he had no control over. “Forgive you? For what?
For being sick? For not wanting to be in pain? I would never fault you for any
of that. I could even forgive you breaking your promise to me, since you really
had no control in your state. I understand why you did what you did…” I turned
around and grabbed his wrist, glaring down at him. “…but how dare you harm
what’s mine!”
Confusion colored his face. “Tae?”
I unbuttoned the sleeve of his left arm and pushed back the fabric. “This…” I
saw the ugly, puckered scar extending the entire length of his forearm. I
delicately kissed it before turning it over to see where the blade had pushed
through. “…and starving yourself. And trying to hang yourself. Three times, Min
Yoongi?” I smacked him upside his head. “You had no right when this body
belongs to me!” I huffed, turning my back on him again. A slight smirk graced
my face, because I knew he would take the bait.
A second hadn’t passed before I felt his warmth on my back. “That’s what you’re
angry about?” I could feel him smiling into my shoulder. “Even if I am yours,”
he yanked my head back by my hair so that I had a clear view of his narrowed
his eyes. Heat sucker punched my abdomen and I felt something stir down below.
“and I am yours…” the tenor of his voice and the breath from his whisper sent a
satisfying chill up my spine, “…the depression—“
“Fuck the depression,” I answered breathily. “You gave yourself to me. You are
mine. That’s more important than some silly illness, right? I don’t recall
giving you permission to do any of these things to yourself.” I tried
unsuccessfully to storm away, but he caught me easily in a back hug; I didn't
put up much of a fight. “You thought I would let it go that easily? You harming
the body that belongs to me? I’m furious as fuck, hyung.”
But I wasn’t. Not anymore. I recognized almost immediately that my knee-jerk
reaction stemmed from fear, not truly being angry with Yoongi…so I self-
corrected. I had to steer things back on track. I had to let him know in our
own way that I understood and that I still loved him more than anything. And
the easiest way to do that was to act normal...which in my case meant being
silly. But I didn’t mind being a fool if it was for Yoongi’s sake.
He chuckled into my back; he understood what I was doing. “How could someone so
smart be so stupid? You’re angry for the wrong reason, love.”
I scoffed. “Well, I think it’s a very valid reason.” I pouted as he spun me
around.
He cradled my cheeks. “Ok, I admit…I did something very bad. This body that
belongs to Min Taehyung was injured and I apologize from the bottom of my
heart…the depths of my soul…” He fell to his knees in a deep bow, grabbing onto
my ankle. “O, my great love Taehyungie…the man whose beauty rivals the sun…” he
shouted at the top of his lungs.
I scowled down at him, barely containing a giggle. “Ah...you're bringing that
bitch the sun into this? You must REALLY want to die, Min Yoongi-hyung. You
would mock me when I’m already pissed?” I yanked my ankle from his grip and
kicked him over before successfully, yet playfully, storming away.
He laughed as he chased me, swooping me up in his embrace while I giggled.
“Seriously, I’m truly sorry, Tae.”
And just like that we were okay. I knew that he had no control of his actions
but regretted them, and he knew that I understood why he did what he did and
forgave him. Maybe now it wouldn’t weigh on him so much; he didn’t have to feel
guilty or bad about what he’d done. Especially since none of it was his fault.
“I’m glad you see your mistake.” I ran my hands over him worriedly. “But, it
won’t ever happen again, right? You don’t want to anymore…”
He shook his head. “Not to that extent, no. I have urges to repeat, but they
are much more manageable now that I regularly take my meds and talk things out
in therapy. There are some moments where I feel like everyone would be better
off without me, but I call my therapist, or my parents, or Hobi right away—“
My eyebrow went up at the name. “Hobi? Ah, your new best friend.” He hadn’t
said much about their relationship, but the man’s name had come up one time too
many for my liking during Yoongi’s story.
“Yeah, Jung Hoseok. He’s been a true friend and I depend on him a lot actually.
I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.” He smiled at the thought of his
friend and I wanted to kick him right in the teeth. Who was this guy to make my
Yogi smile like that? “He keeps me grounded and talks me down when I’m on the
edge. Hobi really is my best friend.”
“Ah.” I couldn’t understand the feeling I felt when he said that. There was
another stirring this time, a different stirring. I didn’t like it. “He’s
really close to you then, you even gave him a cute nickname.” I frowned,
irrationally irritated for some reason. I knew I had no right to be mad at some
faceless friend, especially with my own situation. He had been there when
Yoongi needed him, so why was I getting angry? Why did I feel an urgent need to
stake a claim? “Even though it’s clear that he doesn’t particularly care much
for me, I’m glad you had someone…have someone like that to be there for you.”
“Yah…what’s with that look hubby?”
“Nothing. And stop calling me that.” I thought about how his eyes lit up when
he talked about Hoseok earlier. Had they been more than friends at some point?
Had they been together in the same way Yoongi and I had? It was too painful to
imagine.
“Please, we both know you love it.” I scoffed, still frowning. “Tae. Is this
really what I think it is?” He smirked.
I could feel my face burning from embarrassment; I couldn’t control my
thoughts. I kept seeing Yoongi and that faceless jerk in compromising
situations. I wanted to rip that person’s throat out, stab him, kill
him…anything to keep him away from my Yoongi. But these thoughts, these urges
went against everything that I am, everything I believe in. I didn’t like this
feeling at all. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Min Yoongi.”
He barked out a laugh. “Wow, no honorifics…no loving nickname. You’re really
pissed right now.” He pinched my cheek and I slapped his hand away. He laughed.
“Damn, you’re too cute like this.”
“Like what, exactly?”
“Jealous. I haven’t seen you wear that look since you saw me kissing Oh Jisu
that time…”
Was that what this feeling was? I grabbed him by his shirt. “Oh, you really,
REALLY want to die! That cow! You dare to speak her name in front of me?” I
flicked his forehead. “I was traumatized after seeing that kiss…if you could
call that kissing! To my poor, fifth grade eyes it looked like she had five
tongues, hyung. Five! I thought she was eating your face. I couldn’t look you
in the eye for days!” He barked out a laugh. “That wasn’t jealousy, it was
disgust.”
He rubbed the reddening area on his forehead, looking unbothered yet pleased.
“Well, I had to learn somehow. How else would I have learned so that I could be
ready for you?” His eyes glinted with amusement, gummy smile on full display.
“I had to practice a lot back then, with girls and boys. You're welcome.” He
winked at me smugly. Things were definitely back on track. He was back to his
teasing, annoying, and lovable self. He was my Yogi again. And even though I
was the teensiest bit jealous…okay, extremely jealous, the tradeoff was worth
it. His smile was worth it. “This is kind of hot, Tae. Green looks so good on
you. If you don’t stop it right now, you can’t blame me later for what I might
do.”
“Ugh, I’m not green. It really seems like you’re just trying to piss me off.”
My grip tightened. “So, this Hoseok…did you kiss him too? Like with that slut
Jisu and all the rest of your fan club?” My heart raced, unprepared for his
answer. What if he did more than just kiss him? What if there had been others?
What if…
“That bookworm, a slut? I think jealousy is clouding your memories of her.” I
glared at him as he laughed. “That’s really cute, honey. You looking at me like
that…I really like it. I’ve heard that there is a fine line between anger and
passion; which side are you showing me, love?” I rolled my eyes at him,
loosening my grip. “What if I said I kissed Hobi like that? What if I said we
did more?” I gasped and let go of his shirt in shock. “If I said I love him,
what would you do?” I stared at him open-mouthed, hurt by the insinuation. An
unknown beast, something ugly and hidden deep within the bowels of my being
reared its head and growled possessively at his words.
"But...Yogi-" Was it possible that he also loved someone else? He had said he
was faithful earlier, but what if he just said it so I wouldn’t be upset? I
couldn’t tell if we were still playing or not, but the ache in my heart felt
very real. "Y-you said..." All of a sudden this game seemed very real. I
couldn't tell if he was still playing or not.
“Are you livid? Are you jealous, love? Just admit that you are and I’ll tell
you everything you want to know.”
“You are such a jerk, Min Yoongi! I don’t even know how I fell for an asshole
like you.” I went back to the bed and flopped down on my back. “Wake me up when
it’s time to leave. Don’t you dare touch me or it’ll be attempt number four for
you, though I doubt they’ll count it as suicide if I take an active role in
making it happen.” I grabbed a pillow and covered my face, yelling out in
frustration.
How did it keep coming back to the serious stuff? I had just gotten things to a
playful comfortable place, to our baseline. But now all I could think about was
Yoongi kissing other people, dating other people, fucking other people, and
telling them he loved them. I didn’t want to think about him being with someone
other than me…it was something I hadn’t even considered. I didn’t want these
thoughts in my head at all. I just wanted to be with him; everything else could
wait.
“They’ll call it assisted suicide, but I couldn’t think of a better way to go
than by your hands.” I felt his weight on the bed first, and then I could feel
him hovering over me. I felt him tug at the pillow, but I tightened my grip.
“Taehyung…look at me.”
“Nope.” I grumbled. “I’d rather not punch you right now.” I could feel an
important conversation looming, and I was in no way ready for it. I wanted to
concentrate on making him feel good; I didn’t want to talk about his
relationships, past or present. He knew about Jungkook and I could tell how
much it killed him; I was in no way strong enough to deal with that level of
grief. Though I had unintentionally started this, I didn’t want it.
“Please…show me your face, love.” He asked it softly, and I could hear the
seriousness of his plea.
“No. You have to earn the right to see my face again.” I prayed that he would
give up, that he would just let the subject drop. Or even change the topic like
we always did, because I was in no way, shape or form ready to talk about Min
Yoongi and someone else.
“If I took my teasing too far…”
“You did.” I felt cold lips and warm breath graze the scars on my chest. “I
won’t forgive you this time, Min Yoongi-ssi.” My skin grew prickly as I started
to overheat. As usual, it didn’t take much to send my thoughts into the gutter.
And from the way Yoongi licked and lapped at my chest, I’m pretty sure that he
was right there with me. Thankfully.
Teeth skimmed one sensitive nub on my chest before warmth and wet besieged it.
The sound of my rapidly beating heart droned on dully in my ears as I moaned
loudly into the pillow. Maybe we could just skip this issue, possibly drop it
forever. All I wanted to know was this. Yoongi’s mouth on me, his hands on me,
his body and mine…
“That hurts, love. Why would my husband be so cruel and call me so formally?”
he teased. I tensed up as he kissed his way down to my navel, exploring it a
bit with his tongue, and back up to my neck. “If you want to know the truth,
ask me directly. But not from behind that pillow. I’ve waited ten years to see
your face…don’t deny me that at least. Even if you’re angry, I still want to
see it.” He tugged lightly at the pillow again. “Please, Tae.”
I let him pull the pillow away, fixing him with my biggest, saddest, puppy dog
eyes. “You’re so mean to me. Why?”
I witnessed the sharp intake of air as his eyes took in my expression. I
flushed scarlet under his penetrating, lascivious study. While I could tell
that there was remorse and amusement, it was the lust in his eyes that
captivated me. Somehow, he maintained his composure and focused on setting me
at ease.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t focus. My mind, my body was too malleable when I
was with Yoongi. “I’m sorry, baby. I really didn’t mean any harm. I got carried
away seeing you be so possessive of me. Forgive me?” I nodded and pulled him in
for a slow, sweet kiss. “Do you really need me to tell you the truth? I always
thought you knew my feelings better than I did.”
I sighed. I wanted him to keep touching me, but there would be no avoiding this
conversation tonight. I didn’t want to know, but I had to know. “I do. I don’t
doubt how you feel about me, but we’ve been apart for so long…if there is
someone else I won’t be angry, I don’t have a right to be. I feel like such a
hypocrite because picturing you with someone else is harder on me than I
thought it would be. But I want to know. I don’t want to be jealous, but I am.
Just a little bit. I don’t even want to talk about it, but it won’t leave my
head until I hear it from you. If you had or have something with this Hoseok
person…”
“Let’s make this very clear, Min Taehyung—”
“Don’t call me that,” I admonished. “You haven’t even proposed properly and
there’s no guarantee I would even say yes if you did.”
He grinned mischievously. “Isn’t there a saying out there about speaking your
wishes into existence or some shit like that?”
I rolled my eyes at him again. “Can you stick to the matter at hand? As much as
I would like to avoid this topic, you were about to clarify something.”
“Min Taehyung—” I gritted my teeth in mock annoyance, and he smiled
sympathetically down at me. “I love only you. Always have, always will. Jung
Hoseok is a very good friend and I do love him a lot, but not in that way. He’s
like a brother to me.” He kissed the tip of my nose.
I scowled at him. “I was once like a brother to you, too. Or have you forgotten
that?”
“You were always so much more than that, Tae. Even at the beginning the lines
were blurred when it came to us. What I feel for you I have never felt for
another person." He comfortingly brushed one of my brows with the pad of his
thumb. "Since the morning you left me all those years ago, I’ve kissed exactly
zero people. It’s too personal and it’s something I only want to do with you.”
He lips met mine so tenderly then, so fondly, that my fingertips and toes
tingled.
But now I felt guilty. I ignored the furious pounding in my chest and the
pulsing in my ears. My head was murky, the norm after one of Yoongi’s kisses,
yet I somehow managed to ask, “So, there’s been no one else? You’ve never…that,
with anyone else?”
“No one else. I mean, I have occasionally let others touch me or suck me off,
but I’ve never been in another romantic relationship. They were all faceless,
genderless means to an end; tools to service a need when my hands weren’t
enough. But my lips or hands haven’t touched another person like that. Just
you.”
I didn’t know whether to be ecstatic because he had stayed faithful to me, or
to feel like shit because I hadn’t done the same. “I did some things with
Jungkook,” I admitted. “Mostly kissing and touching. And he did that to
me…sucked me off. We haven’t done much more than that.”
He looked skeptical. “Are you sure? No judgment, love, but earlier in my
suite…the way you kissed me. The way you touched me I was sure that you had
more…experience? For a moment I thought you were going to fuck me against the
wall.”
I nodded shyly. “I wanted to...if you hadn’t stopped me, I would have." I
couldn't ignore the spark of something dangerous, something wild in he eyes.
"Things like that come naturally when we’re together, it’s been that way since
we were younger. I’ve never wanted somebody as much as I want you, hyung,” I
admitted. “I haven’t been with anyone else after you.”
“Oh…that’s surprising.” He grinned. “Is it odd that hearing that made me
happy?”
I shook my head. “No, it isn’t. I’m happy that you’ve only been with me too.” I
pulled him down to me this time, suddenly craving the taste of his tongue.
Simply put, his mouth was irresistible. “Hyung,” I started as we came up for
air. “Does it bother you a lot…me with Jungkook?” He flinched at the name; I
pretended I didn’t notice. After picturing you with Hoseok I’m feeling even
guiltier about my situation.”
He sighed sadly, face breaking a bit before he recovered. I had wounded him
again. “It hurts—it hurts like hell, but it can’t be helped. It is what it is.
I can’t blame you for trying to get on with your life.” He nibbled at my
earlobe while I skimmed my fingers lightly down his spine. “Do you regret that
we found each other again? I know it’s not easy for you now and I’ve pretty
much fucked up your plans and your…erm…’relationship’ for lack of a better
word.” He bit my unmarked cheek hard, before kissing it gently. His fingers
trailed down my neck and across my collarbone. Soon, his tongue joined his
fingers and the stirrings I had experienced way earlier shifted into a fucking
monsoon of desire.
“I only regret that you didn’t find me sooner.” I swallowed uncomfortably as an
involuntary shiver shook me. As much as I tried to focus on our conversation, I
couldn’t ignore the singe his fingers and lips left behind. Nor could I ignore
the very evident, growing lump in my boxers. “How did we get like this? We were
having a serious discussion…”
“You were trying to cheer me up by being silly and cute, that was your first
mistake. Then you ended up getting jealous and possessive…and it was sexy as
fuck. That’s how we got here.” I started unbuttoning the bottom of his shirt as
he spoke; the last time I had been too impatient to finish. I wanted to feel
more of his skin against mine. “I don’t know why you bother with trying to
distract me from things, Tae. I always know what you’re up to. Look where your
distraction has got us now…again.”
“You do the same.” I whined, pulling him closer, letting our chests meet.
“That’s our thing, always protecting each other from hurting. Taking care of
each other,” I breathed into his ear. “My very first memory is of you taking
care of me.” I wrapped my arms around him, tightening my grip as I rolled my
hips and our middles brushed. “Fuck.”
He rested his forehead against my chest, laughing softly. “Since when has your
mouth been so deliciously filthy, love?”
I felt warm hands slip into my boxers, cupping my ass and kneading the soft
flesh there. My back arched naturally in response to him manipulating and
massaging as he bit and sucked and licked. I embraced the delicious fog that
filled my head, blurring out the rest of the world, sighing my satisfaction
into his mouth as he captured mine in another mind blowing kiss. My brain, my
heart, my skin, my blood sang, ‘Yoongi’. I wanted him. I needed him.
“It’s been so long, I wonder…we can’t be this close and not…can we?” His teeth
grazed my neck before sinking into my flesh. “I want to…please.” I struggled to
put it into words, adrift in ecstasy but still cognizant enough to not want to
seem too forward. My need was great though, so recklessly I blurted out, “Yogi-
hyung, will you…take care of me tonight?”
Chapter End Notes
     Don't yell at me, I don't like conflict...lol. Just kidding. Yell if
     you want, rant if you want, fawn if you want, coo if you want, or
     don't say anything at all...it's all welcomed here. Do you. :)
     Okay, so that happened. LOL, I think it's reasonable that Tae is
     having a hard time reigning in his emotions. It's kind of hard to
     imagine that although we're 32 chapters in, it's still only been one
     day for them, and they've gone through a lot already. He tried to be
     playful for Yoongi's sake, but he couldn't handle it. He's a bit
     frantic, but his feelings for Yoongi are very real. And we all know
     Yoongi is all in, right? So...
     QOTD: Will they or won't they?
     You'll find out Wednesday in 33 - Sometimes Words Speak Louder than
     Actions
***** Sometimes Words Speak Louder than Actions *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi asks a question. The one time Yoongi needs Tae to speak up, he
     can't. Tae comes to a realization.
Chapter Notes
     The responses to last chapter, wow! I'm impressed. You guys turned on
     Tae so quickly to protect Yoongs & Kookie. I'm proud of you. You're
     absolutely right, he shouldn't get a free pass. When he fucks up, he
     should be called out on it just like anybody else. It's the only way
     he'll learn. And our boy has a lot of learning to do. So expect to
     yell at him more...just not too much lol. He's still pretty
     inexperienced at this relationship thing when you think about it. No
     one has all the answers when they're just starting so cut him some
     slack hehehe.
     Shoutout to 4funjinjja for sharing her story...we're soul sisters
     now. You can't get rid of me xD. If anyone is interested in how I see
     these characters, you should check out my response to her comment
     last chapter. But I'd rather you form your own opinions and have your
     own perspectives. If you see it the way I do, great. If not, that's
     great too.
     P.S. The highlight video....a-fucking-mazing!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
He stopped almost immediately, peering at me with an uncomfortable intensity. I
withered under his scrutiny as my body mourned the instant loss of his touch,
his kisses. He shook his head as if to clear it. “Tae...” I could tell he was
trying to calm himself. “…no. I got caught up in the moment and lost my head.
Love, I’m trying my hardest to not go too far tonight. I thought we both felt
that it was too soon, that we need more time to get reacquainted with each
other. Making out and touching is one thing, but that…no.”
“Anything I said or did to imply it was too soon, I take it back.” I tried to
pull him in, but he resisted. Why didn’t he understand that this wasn’t a small
thing for me? The fact that I wanted to go further meant that I trusted him in
a way I didn’t trust anyone else.
“I can’t. I want to, God knows I really want to and I have to be the stupidest
man alive to say this, but I refuse to do anything until you’ve made a
decision.” He brushed my cheek and I cherished the contact. “Besides, the
timing’s off. We’ve gone through a lot emotionally tonight. We shouldn’t pile
having sex on top of the rest. I don’t want there to be any regrets.”
“I promise, I won’t have any regrets…not one.”
“You don’t know that for sure, Tae. We should wait.”
“I’ve been waiting for ten years,” I whined. Shouldn’t he have gotten it by
now? I had gone for ten years without the slightest interest in sex. Even with
Jungkook I hadn’t been tempted to go this far. Yoongi and I had only been
reunited for one day and it made me behave like this. It was a very big deal;
he had to understand that how important this was for me...for us.
“So have I, which is why I won’t do anything to fuck this up. I’m not rejecting
you, love. I’ve been thinking about all the things I’d do to you all night. I’d
love nothing more than to fuck you right into a wheelchair—“
My eyes went wide at his words. “Shit, how can you say stuff like that and
expect me to let this go? We love each other and I want to…I really do. I want
you, hyung.”
“We have forever to do that, there’s no need to rush.”
“Who’s to say how long forever will be? What if this is our last night
together? What if we leave here and I never get to see you again?” That was my
greatest fear after all…that I would lose him again. It made me nervous and I
didn’t want to risk not giving myself to him completely. I wanted him to know
how important he was to me; the effect he had on me.
“I give you my word that I won’t let that happen…not again. I go wherever you
go from now on. I’ll follow you for real this time.”
“But what do I do with these feelings? I need that connection.” I really did.
“Love, we are already connected. More connected now than we’ve ever been.”
“But I need it. I need you.” I pulled him down to me and kissed him with a
ferocity I didn’t know I possessed. I could feel his pulse racing beneath my
fingertips as I focused less on technique and more on making him feel good. His
skillful tongue ran circles around mine, viciously stabbing and slashing until
my mouth had been properly conquered.
He brushed the hair out of my eyes. “Tae…” his voice was strained. “…you don’t
know how hard you’re making for me. Very hard.”
“That’s kind of the point, hyung.” I smirked and pulled him in again for
another round, but he blocked my lips with his hand.
“Okay, okay…you win. I’ll give you what you want, but only if you answer a
question for me first.”
I nodded happily. “Yes…to anything and everything you ask.” I launched myself
at him, but he deflected my kisses.
“No, honey be serious.” I noticed the look on his face, and it wasn’t just lust
there. He was scared. He was worried. And he was also a little bit angry. I let
my arms drop from around his neck; I sobered up and got serious quickly. He
took a deep breath before asking, “Why is it that the mere thought of me
kissing another person upsets you so much, but you’re ok with Jungkook fucking
someone else?”
That was definitely not the question I expected. “What?” How was I supposed to
respond? What could I say? I turned away from his gaze, but he forced me to
meet his eyes.
He sat there jaw set, resolved to continue. “You heard me. You panicked at the
idea of me kissing Hobi, but you pretty much rewarded Jungkook for being
unfaithful. Is it because you love me so much that you can’t bear to share me,
or that you love him so much that you’re willing to share him?” I stared at
him, shocked. “Which is it, Tae?”
My mouth flapped open and closed like some pathetic, dying fish out of water.
“Hyung,” was all I could manage to say. It was a pretty fair question, but I
had no idea how to put an answer into words. I watched the light die in his
eyes and felt like utter shit. All I wanted to do was make love to him, how had
it turned into this?
“You may think you know what you want right now, but you’ve said yourself you
don’t think clearly with me. I love you so much, too much, but we’re not ready
for this. It’s why I stopped you in my room. It’s why we didn’t go too far
earlier. It’s why I can’t go all the way now. Sex would make things even more
complicated than they already are.”
I struggled to come up with a rebuttal, desperate to offer any argument. “I
just…but…it’s not fair to compare the two of you. The relationships aren’t the
same.”
“Why?” He stumped me with one word. I honestly couldn’t answer him. “I think
the sooner you figure out the answer to my question, the closer you’ll be to
making a decision. I’m not going to rush you now that we’ve cleared the air and
there are no more secrets between us. But I’m not going to set myself up to
fail either, Tae. If we have sex then you are mine. End of story, period. There
will be no decision left to make because I won’t let you go after that. If you
want me to fuck you, right here and right now, it means the end of you and
Jungkook. And based on how much he’s been on your mind all night…” I winced; I
didn’t know that he had noticed. “…you’re not ready for that.” He tore himself
away from me and sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.
He completely misread the situation. Yes, I’ll admit that Jungkook was on my
mind. After I had broken his heart and pissed him off to the point that he hit
me…that he slept with a stranger…I was worried. I thought about him slipping
into his old habits and the idea had consumed me at first. I didn’t want to be
the cause of him becoming the person he was when I met him, not when he had
worked so hard to change. But that wasn’t why Jungkook was in my head all
night—that wasn’t it at all.
Being with Yoongi and being as happy as I was with him would cause Jungkook
pain; I didn’t want that. Jungkook had been so devoted, so understanding, so
patient. He had helped me at my lowest point and rescued me from a monster. He
was my best friend and I loved him dearly and deeply, worshipped him even. I
had promised him the night I found him passed out in the street that I would
never leave him and always take care of him. That promise shaped our
relationship and I worked damned hard to keep it, many times at my own expense.
Even though it was hard and it hurt me sometimes to be with him, I kept my
word. I loved him that much.
But somehow being with Yoongi made everything else seem insignificant,
including Jungkook and my promise to him. I was losing myself in Yoongi and
loving every minute of it, every fucking second. The entire world blinked out
of existence and it was just me and Yoongi…fuck anyone or anything else, right?
Then Jungkook would pop up randomly in my thoughts and I would feel guilty for
forgetting about him.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t get him out of my mind, it was that he kept
disappearing from it and it shocked me to my core every time the memory of him
resurfaced. The same thing had happened in Yoongi’s suite when we first
reunited. If Jungkook was so important to me, if I was in love with him, how
was it so easy to forget him? Then I would worry whether Yoongi knew what I was
thinking, and if he was thinking about Jungkook too. If he was, how did it make
him feel? It broke my heart to think that Yoongi could possibly be questioning
whether or not I still loved him as much as I did before, so I would try harder
to show him through my actions. And I would forget about Jungkook all over
again, the process repeating.
I didn’t know what any of it meant, and I didn’t know how to put this
phenomenon into words. I couldn’t chance offending Yoongi by saying it wrong; I
didn’t want him to think that I felt guilty for being with him. I didn’t want
him to back off for my sake, because that’s exactly what he would do. It’s
exactly what he was doing right now.
All I wanted was to pull Yoongi closer—to hold him, to kiss him, to taste
him…to love him. Yoongi…Yoongi…Yoongi…my whole body, my entire being sang his
name. It was a scary feeling, having no control and wanting to give in to all
my urges. I wanted to lay prostrate at his feet and beg him to never leave my
sight. I wanted to chain myself to him so that we could never be separate. I
wanted to protect him, to take care of him the way he had taken care of me for
so many years.
And it wouldn’t be just sex for me, he wasn’t a mere fuck; I wanted to make
love to him. I wanted him to make love to me. I wanted to connect with him,
only with him, in a way that I would never be able to connect with anyone else.
These urges and feelings had me spiraling and I no longer knew which way was
up.
The worst part was that I couldn’t trust any of these thoughts or feelings
because Yoongi was absolutely right—I never thought clearly when I was with
him. Though my need felt real and the love between us was stronger than it had
ever been, it could be an emotional response to all of the serious shit we had
discussed tonight. It could be the result of my fear that something would tear
us apart again. It could be the result of the spastic emotions shredding my
insides. It could be nostalgia or hundreds of other reasons that I felt these
feelings. What if none of what I felt was real?
If that was the case, Yoongi was right to protect himself. He was vulnerable
due to his illness and I had been too caught up to consider the repercussions.
If he gave in to temptation and I woke up tomorrow feeling differently, it
would hurt him. It could possibly trigger his depression and lead to him
wanting to self-harm again…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that
happened. And I’m sure he had considered that possibility already, and as usual
he wanted to protect me from that. He was looking out for both of us as usual,
and I had been too lost in lust to see it.
Scattered thoughts zigzagged through my mind so quickly that I couldn’t build a
concrete argument, or even string together a comforting sentence to reassure
him. I couldn’t figure out a way to say any of the many things I wanted to say
with the same meaning it held in my head and heart. So, I just scooted behind
him and wrapped my arms and legs around his waist koala-style, letting my cheek
rest against his back; I sent up a prayer that he would get what I was trying
to convey. “I’m sorry, hyung. I was stupid and I’m so sorry.” It was all I
could say, and I hoped like hell that he could glean some sort of understanding
from it; that he could hear in those few words all of the things that I
couldn’t say. He knew me better than anyone…it was possible that he knew,
right?
He leaned his head back onto my shoulder, I kissed the top of his head. “Back
to your senses, yeah?” he asked me, voice laden with emotion and exhaustion.
I kissed his cheek. “Yeah. You always know best, Yogi-hyung. I’m sorry I pushed
so hard. I won’t anymore.”
“Good, I don’t know how long I could have held out. I would’ve…” He sounded
broken. “Eventually I would’ve, Tae. And…”
I rubbed his trembling shoulders. “Yogi-hyung…is there something else you need
to tell me? Seeing you this upset, there has to be more to it.”
He nodded slowly. “About last night. After Jungkook told me he was your
boyfriend and took you out of my arms…he took you from me after I had waited so
long to see you again. I…I was triggered. I couldn’t deal, and I was consumed
by thoughts of you…with him. With him the way you were with me and all that
pain came rushing back. I thought I had lost you again and lost control of
myself. I trashed my suite.”
I gently kissed the soft juncture where his neck met his shoulders. “And then?”
“I…it was so much more than just trashing the room. I had these thoughts…about
what I could do. I wanted to kill everybody. I wanted to burn down the
building. I wanted to find Jungkook and make him suffer.” He shot a penitent
glance over his shoulder, “I destroyed everything in the room before grabbing a
knife,” I inhaled sharply in surprise, “and stabbing the sofa until my arm was
tired.” He wrung his hair in frustration. “Then I had the stray thought that
you were dead, that my Kang Taehyung was gone forever. I wanted to die. For a
second, I was right back where I was all those years ago. I can’t go back
there, Tae. I love you so much, I’ll do anything for you. I don’t want to go
back there, but for you love…” his words tapered off, but he didn’t need to
finish for me to glean the meaning.
“I know.” My assumption was spot on. And with that knowledge came hatred. I
hated myself for putting him in a position to risk his health, his sanity. He
would have thrown all of his progress away, risked heartbreak and losing
himself to grief again to give me what I wanted…and I would have let him. I was
a monster and I hated it.
“I’m so pathetic, right?” He chuckled darkly. “A regular glutton for
punishment, that’s me.” He sat up and gently untangled himself from my hold; I
tried my damnedest not to cry for him. It was the first time tonight that he
had given me a glimpse of his pain, of his own turmoil. Sure, he had cried for
me earlier, but this was different. Yoongi was in pain and it was because of
me.
“You’re not pathetic, Yoongi. You’re strong and brave…you’re a survivor and I
admire you for that. You could have given in to your compulsions last night,
yet here you are with me. I’m so proud of you for not letting those urges
control you. And I’m so grateful that I got to see you again; that we got to
spend another day together. Now that I know this…I definitely won’t push. We’ll
take it slow, okay?”
His shoulders relaxed. “Is there anything else we need to discuss? I’m a little
worn out on this sharing shit to be honest, love.”
“I think we’re done. I mean, of course I’m interested in little details like
your college experiences and your friends…your work. The reason you’re even in
Las Vegas, I’m really interested in that. But I think we’ve talked enough for
tonight.”
“So…I have this place until tomorrow and we can stay if you want. Or if you
want to go back to the hotel we can do that too. You could get your moonlit
chopper ride after all.” He smiled ruefully. “What do you want to do,
Taehyungie?”
It was a loaded question, I knew it. I knew him too well. I scrambled off of
the bed, tugging him up with me. His face was blank but I could see the warring
emotions battling it out in his distant eyes. I realized that for the first
time, Yoongi hadn’t gotten what I wanted to tell him; he didn’t understand me
at all. I thought he would pick it up from my thoughts, from my actions. I
thought he would just know how much I needed to be with him, how much I wanted
this night to be endless. I didn’t want to leave him. Not ever. Though I was
reeling, struggling with the fact that he didn’t get it, I forced a grin. “I
really want that ride…but if you don’t mind too much, I’d rather stay and spend
the night with you.” He studied my face. “I’m not quite ready to let go of this
night yet, to let go of you. So, can we go up but still stay here?”
A doubtful smile graced his handsome face. “Whatever you want, Tae. I’m yours
to command.”
I giggled. “Aish…just ‘Tae’ now? I see I’ve lost my husband privileges.”
“I won’t make it too hard for you to win them back.”
I laughed, latching onto his arm. “I’m holding you to that.” We separated for a
short time, getting dressed in awkward silence before leaving the dome hand in
hand. I was hit by an irrational fear that the wind would pick up suddenly and
sweep Yoongi away from me. That I was going to lose him. I let go of his hand
and gripped his arm tightly, praying that I could keep him by my side just a
bit longer. I clutched at the necklace resting in the hollow of my neck. I
couldn’t lose him…I didn’t want to ever let him go.
“Cold?” he asked.
“A bit. Is this okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” He looked at me and it was the perfect moment to tell him
everything I felt; I even wanted to take a stab at that question he had asked
earlier and explain why I had wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to tell him
I was scared that this was happening to us and I didn’t know what to do. I
wanted to tell him to fix things the way he always does. But the words wouldn’t
come out. “Tae…are you okay?” Yet again, he looked worried.
“I don’t know. It’s just…thoughts.” I tried to figure out a way to tell him
that I was scared of losing him again. I wanted him to know that I felt him
slipping away. “I don’t want to let go.” I looked over at him to see if he felt
the weight of my words. Was there a better way to say it? I had to have him, I
couldn’t let go of him. Not yet, maybe not ever.
He looked up at the moon as I stared at him waiting on some sort of recognition
that he had received my words. He replied simply, “Then don’t.”
I nodded, sad that he hadn't gotten it again. “Okay, hyung.” We walked down the
path, the heavy silence weighing on both our shoulders.
                                     *****
“I promised Eomma Yun that you would sleep tonight. You’ve already lost two
nights of rest, tonight won’t be the third.”
“I slept a bit last night after my run in with your roid-raging bunny man.” I
sighed, too mentally exhausted to acknowledge the obvious bait for a
conversation. I didn’t take it. He was going to sleep if it killed me. “It was
only for twenty minutes but it still counts. Are you tired already?”
“Yes, and I want to go to sleep but I can’t…I can feel you watching me. Stop
staring at me, stop trying to trick me into talking, and close your eyes damn
it.” I opened one eye lazily to find him gazing intently at me.
“I tried but I can’t.” He rolled onto his side to face me, squeezing my hand.
“What if I fall asleep only to wake up and find that this was all a dream? What
if I’m still in Cali, passed out at a bar or in my apartment on the sofa?”
“You’re not.” We were lying on opposite ends of the bed joined only by our
hands. Slight tension still lingered between us, though the very romantic
helicopter ride had alleviated most of it. I still felt like Yoongi was
slipping from my grip, but I didn’t want to say anything to make things heavy
again. I held my own fears in as I tried to comfort him. “It’s not a dream. I’m
not a dream, I’m real.”
“If this is a dream of course you think you’re real.”
I laughed. “You’re such an idiot, hyung. Go to bed.”
“Life has been the dream this whole time, a fucking nightmare without you.” He
caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. “If this is a dream, I don’t want
it to end. We should keep this dream going...let's wait up and watch the
sunrise together like we did last time. Remember that night?”
“That night is my go to whenever I need a pick me up. Even when my grandfa—“ I
let the words die. I didn’t want to go there. “That night…it was magical,
hyung. Remembering it got me through a lot of tough times, the ones I can
remember at least. I can recall every single detail of our first night together
as a couple.”
“Hmmm…” he blinked sleepily. “Me too. I’d never seen something so beautiful
before that morning…”
“I didn’t expect it to be, not after that storm. But the sun was so big and
bright, and the sky looked like someone had painted it.”
“Who’s talking about the sky? I meant you, Tae.”
“Oh.” My face burned.
“I want to go back…do things differently.”
“But then we wouldn’t be here. Besides, I’d rather look forward. Can you
imagine how it'll be...wait. Damn it. You got me. Stop baiting me and go to
sleep.”
He grinned. “We should stay up and watch the sunrise. And I’ll kiss you until
it hangs safely in the sky.”
I hummed appreciatively. “That’d be nice, hyung, but we’ll see plenty of
sunrises together. You can barely keep your eyes open now. Face it you’re
exhausted and if you don’t rest we’ll both die in a helicopter crash tomorrow.”
“At least we’ll die together, right?”
“And here I thought I was the idiot in this relationship…”
“But you’re an actual, honest to God genius though. I bet you're killing it at
MIT, right?”
“You’re not going to get me talking again. Go to sleep.”
“Maybe…if you were closer to me, maybe…if I could feel you, it would ease my
mind. Wouldn’t it?”
“If that’s what you want.” I opened both of my eyes and shot him a soft look.
“I actually wanted to cuddle, but after what happened earlier I didn’t know if
you wanted me to get so close.” I bit my bottom lip nervously.
He grinned. “You’re still stuck on that?” He scooted closer and I met him in
the middle. “I’m already over it, love. Of course I want you close.” I let out
a relieved sigh as the awkwardness dissipated. “Don’t get me wrong, you fucked
up. At least you recognized it in time. Stop feeling bad and don’t beat
yourself up about wanting to be with me.” Smugness overtook his handsome face.
“I’m actually quite flattered that you want me as much as I want you.” The
tension vanished and suddenly Yoongi and I were back to our normal again.
I snaked an arm underneath him and drew him forward until our fronts slotted
together. He draped a leg over mine and I nestled a knee between his legs; he
locked me in place with his arms. Our foreheads met as we lay there, falling
into the familiarity of holding each other. The feeling of his cool, pale,
silky skin meeting my warm, tanned, roughness induced euphoric sensations. I
could feel his gentle breath against my lips, his heart hammering away against
my chest. I could smell his scent—some expensive cologne no doubt, but also a
bit of sweat from our walk earlier. Yoongi’s sweat.
“As much? I think you meant ‘more’.” I couldn’t contain my excitement, the
flare of arousal was instantaneous. I’m sure he felt the semi-hardness in my
boxers; I tried to put a bit of space between us, but Yoongi tightened his hold
and pressed himself against me. “Ah…” I sighed against his lips, unable to
avoid enjoying the rub. I saw his eyelids droop before he yanked them back
open.
“Hmmm…this is nice.” He yawned then, eyes blinking slowly. “Fuck…better than
nice.” He stretched slowly, pressing harder against me.
I gritted my teeth and bore it the best I could. It was heaven and hell
simultaneously, feeling him rubbing against me. After my carelessness earlier I
didn’t want to do anything to make Yoongi think I was pushing him. He was too
important to me…there is no way in hell I was going to make him hurt again. But
it was impossible to stifle my attraction to him. I squirmed trying to adjust
myself, not wanting to cause him any discomfort when we’d just gotten back to
our normal. The result was me brushing against his own semi—when had that
happened?—followed closely by an outcry of “Fuck” that could have been
misconstrued as a passionate one when it was actually frustration.
I caught his eye, preparing myself for a scolding. “I’m sorry, I promise I
won’t try anything. It’s just…you fit perfectly in my arms and you feel so
fucking good.” He shut his eyes and his face was so close, his lips were so
near… “I’m a weak man, Yogi-hyung. Too weak.” I backed away, but he tugged me
back to him until we were so close our noses touched. “This is cruel and
unusual punishment, hyung.”
“What’s wrong, love?” he asked me innocently. He nuzzled into my neck, soft
breath tickling the small hairs there. “Hmmm…so warm.” He pressed even closer
and I tensed my whole body to avoid responding.
“Fair warning, the more we touch and the closer you get, the further my mind
dips into depravity.” He shifted in my arms, letting me spoon him. He pressed
his ass back against my groin and being the weak man I am, I moaned softly into
his neck. “Yoongi…” I whispered, begging him to be gentle.
“As long as it’s only your mind that dips, I don’t care,” he murmured. “Hell,
my mind might even be willing to join yours, especially with you making such
lovely sounds. Hearing you call my name like that…I can’t lie. It’s hot.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” I whined. I adjusted myself so that there was a
bit of space between us.
“Hmmm…this is really nice. The only thing that’s missing…you used to sing
before. Could you? For me…for hyung.”
The torture I felt at that moment was inconsequential; I couldn’t deny him. I
sang to him for what seemed like centuries until he was still and breathing
deeply. My erection was painful now. I didn’t have the energy to get up and go
take care of it; I also didn’t want to let go of Yoongi.
I could feel my eyelids getting heavy, I didn’t fight it. As I slipped into a
half slumber, I clung to Yoongi. A casual thought incessantly ran circles in my
head. What if he was right? What if this day really was just a dream? I tried
to open my eyes to make sure he was still there, but my lids wouldn’t respond.
I blindly sought him out, closing the distance I’d managed to put between us. I
felt him twisting in my arms again to face me.
I could feel him tracing the contours of my face; my nose, my lips, my jawline,
my brows. The last thing I remember hearing before drifting off sounded
something like, “I’m an evil bastard, I know it, but I had to get back at you
for earlier. But marriage is all about compromise…tomorrow we’ll watch each
other jerk off in the shower. Until then let’s meet in our dreams, yeah?”
Strong fingers threaded through my hair and I felt a slow smile spreading but I
was too far gone to give him the laugh that he deserved.
I don’t know if he saw me nod in agreement or if I nodded at all. I didn’t know
if the gentle brush of his lips against mine was real, or if the tickle of his
breath along my collarbone was real, or if him pulling me even closer so he
could lay halfway on top of me was real…but I do know that Yoongi occupied all
of my dreams that night. I fought like hell to hold on to every single one of
them, to commit them to memory. Even if he wasn’t real, if this was all just a
random happening inside my head, I never wanted to let go.
Chapter End Notes
     I know some of you are yelling "Damn it, say it how you thought it in
     your head, Taehyung!" I understand your frustration. Don't blame him
     too much because sadly, he can't. I'm the same way he is, a million
     thoughts happening all at once. I can never get out what I want to
     say when I want to say it unless I write it down, and even when I
     write it, I have to go over it a million times and make corrections.
     I was so frustrated writing this chapter because it's kind of hard to
     relay that without just saying it. I hope it came across the way I
     wanted and you guys don't think he's playing with Yoongi and Kookie's
     feelings. He honestly cannot get the words out, though he wants to.
     Speaking of these thoughts...finally you guys got some insight into
     Tae's mind. It seems like he is starting to see a slight difference
     in how he feels about Yoongi and Jungkook. And the fact that he had
     no nightmares and remembers his dreams...hmmm, interesting.
     One more chapter with Taegi before we're back to Jungkook. I wonder
     how he's going to react to Taegi's night out. (not actually, since I
     already know lol)
     As always, see you down in the comments. Next Wednesday: Chapter 34 -
     Blue Balls
***** Blue Balls *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi regrets being a bastard and tries to help Taehyung; Yoongi
     thinks he has it all figured out.
Chapter Notes
     I'm going to say both you're welcome and I'm sorry right now. Just
     please trust me. I love you all... :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Taehyung awoke happily to a magnificent view; a wondrously colored, but clear
expanse of sky. The sun had barely peeked from its nightly hibernation beneath
the horizon resulting in a heavenly gradation from navy, to violet, to rose, to
amber, to gold. He was so awed by the view that didn’t realize the precarious
and painful situation arising underneath the sheets. His signature boxy grin
took over his face as he beheld the wonder of the elegant and decorative
firmament.
Enraptured by the sheer beauty the sunrise held, his first coherent thought was
to wake the slightly smaller male sleeping soundly next to him—rather, tangled
up with him—so they could share yet another unique experience together. He
looked over at his love, his last thought before he’d closed his eyes and the
first one when he’d opened them. Black hair clung to his forehead, the sheen of
sweat a product of their close proximity no doubt; Taehyung’s temperature
always ran a bit higher than the other. As Yoongi slept he took in long deep
breaths between beautifully pink, yet slightly chapped, lips and let out short
wisps of air that tickled Taehyung’s cheek. The younger suppressed a giggle and
watched the rise and fall of his sleeping lover’s chest, intentionally trying
to match his breathing pattern.
When he finally matched the rhythm, he found himself staring at the other’s
face. When that face was awake and aware there was permanent, underlying pain
etched into every expression, be it a smile or a frown, a smirk or a scowl…the
pain was always present. But at this moment, Taehyung could only see serenity,
contentment, and a sense of rightness. This was how Yoongi was supposed to look
always. He felt a twinge of smugness and a great satisfaction knowing that he
had more than a little bit to do with the peace the sleeping form held.
Mere centimeters separated them and the younger found himself reaching out,
wanting to touch his partner. Yoongi’s smooth, porcerlain skin, unblemished
except for the few hickeys and love bites left behind yesterday, glowed faintly
in the sunlight. The inclination to feel every inch of skin beneath his
fingertips overwhelmed Taehyung. As skin met skin, a shudder leveled him; the
sensation was extreme, almost too strong. It was downright excruciating. It was
then that he noticed something was wrong. Underneath the duvet, deep within the
sheets, inside his boxers and pressed up against Yoongi’s warmth…something was
very wrong. His vision swam and he nearly blacked out from the pressure; it
felt like his dick was locked in a vice grip.
Taehyung tried to gently extricate himself from the tangle of limbs and sheets,
careful not to disturb the still slumbering Yoongi. When he moved however,
agony wracked his body as his boxers scraped against his balls. The sensation
of the material brushing against the sensitive area was equivalent to a
thousand razor blades leisurely and deeply carving into his skin. He winced,
grimacing as he sucked in a breath. He stood gingerly, forcing space between
the boxers and his flesh to avoid making the same mistake twice.
He took slow, deliberate steps towards the bathroom, not wanting to risk
contact of his privates with the boxers, himself, or air even. It felt like a
cantaloupe was hanging between his legs and he was afraid of what he would find
when he reached privacy. He also didn’t want to wake Yoongi. He took a quick
glimpse over his shoulder towards the man still asleep on their bed, praying
desperately that he stayed that way until this whole embarrassing matter was
sorted out.
After several agonizing minutes, he finally entered the sanctuary the bathroom
provided. He shut the door soundlessly, letting out a breath of relief. He
carefully removed his underwear, holding the waistband out wide and letting
them tumble unceremoniously to the floor. He mentally steeled himself,
reassuring himself that everything was fine, that when he looked down
everything would be okay…then he timidly peered down there.
“Oh shit!” he whispered harshly into the quiet before collapsing against the
door in disbelief. His distended scrotum had nearly quadrupled in size, quite
similar to a large grapefruit. The skin was stretched taut and raised veins
traversed the entire area, extending all the way to the angry, purpled,
engorged head of his penis. He cautiously touched his sac and shrieked from
contact. “Oh my GOD!” he yelled out in terror. “Oh shit!
He shuffled over to the sink, instincts telling him that he needed to get
something cold on it. He turned on the tap, balanced himself on his tiptoes,
and promptly yet precariously straddled the sink. He clenched his teeth but
couldn’t subdue the long, loud exclamation of relief as the freezing cold water
slightly soothed his raging erection. After two minutes under the cold stream,
there was no change. Taehyung began to whimper, eyes shut so tightly that tears
began to leak from the effort.
A loud knock sounded, making Taehyung jerk awkwardly. “Tae?” the voice called.
Are you alright?”
He maintained his balance and yelled out, “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“What’s going on in there? It sounded like you were crying. Are you okay in
there, love?”
“I just…I had to go to the bathroom.”
“Why is the water running then?”
“I’m…washing my hands.”
“You’re lying. It’s been running for a while now.”
Taehyung cursed under his breath. Of course, his living lie detector wouldn’t
be fooled so easily. “Hyung…just give me a minute, please.”
“In case you didn’t know, the door doesn’t lock. Knocking was only a courtesy,
Tae. Either tell me what’s going on in there or I’m coming in.”
“But…I….hyung, don’t!”
“Fuck it, I’m coming in.” A determined and worried Yoongi yanked open the door
and stepped across the threshold to see Taehyung’s sitting on tenterhooks,
broad back and pert ass spilling from the sink. He sat haphazardly on tiptoe as
water flowed all over his front. “What in the hell are you doing?” he asked,
eyes the size of saucers, no small feat for a sleepy Yoongi.
“I swear, it’s not what it looks like.” He let his head fall against the wall,
embarrassed.
“Good, because from here it looks like you’re trying to fuck that sink.”
Taehyung heard the smile in his voice as he made his way over. “I hope you
bought it dinner first and I sincerely hope you’re using protection.” He
wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “I don’t mind doing sloppy seconds, but
you’re too young for little ones, love.”
“Haha, hyung, real funny. Kick me while I’m down. Real nice.”
Yoongi leaned into his back, patting his shoulder comfortingly. “Aw, I’m sorry
hubby. I was just playing around.” He peered over the younger’s shoulder to see
what was going on, but Taehyung quickly blocked the view. “Love…I’m not one to
kink shame, we all like what we like you know, but why in the hell is your junk
in the sink?”
A tearful Taehyung looked over his shoulder at a stunned Yoongi. “Hyung…I
think…it’s…I broke it.”
“Broke what?”
“It.”
“Tae, you’re not making sense.”
“Ugh…I’ll have to show you.” He turned off the tap before carefully lifting
himself from his perch. “Don’t laugh, please. I’m already embarrassed enough as
is.”
“No promises. Just show me.” Yoongi stood calmly, arms crossed against his
chest, as Taehyung slowly spun around. “What…the…fuck?” Once he saw the
monstrous situation and took in Taehyung’s baffled and terrified expression; it
was the last straw. Yoongi doubled over in raucous laughter, hands gripping his
knees as his whole body shook in glee. “Taehyung…I’m sorry, but it’s…so fucking
funny!”
“Yeah, real funny. It’s poetic justice in a sense, when you think about it. I’m
even more deformed and it’s all because I couldn’t control myself. My balls are
going to explode and my dick is dead.” Yoongi lost it at that, collapsing fully
onto the floor still laughing with a red face. “I’m glad you’re amused, but I
hate you right now. I’m a dick-less Freddy Kruger, Deadpool sans cock, but at
least you’re entertained. Did I mention that I really hate you for this?”
Taehyung said seriously.
“Aw…don’t say that hubby.” Yoongi choked out as he struggled back to his feet,
laughter finally dying down. “I know you don’t mean it.”
“How can you laugh? Shouldn’t you be just as scared as I am? I think I need to
go to a hospital, but you stand there laughing at me. It hurts so badly but
you’re laughing at me.” He pouted and started to shuffle back into the room.
Yoongi fought like hell to not laugh at the sight.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean anything by it. It was such an unexpected
situation.” He rushed to support Taehyung, shrugging under one of his arms and
wrapping an arm around his waist. “C’mon, let me help you back to bed.”
“Bed? Shouldn’t I go to the emergency room?”
“It’s not that serious. It can be fixed here.” Yoongi carefully helped Taehyung
back into bed. He ran back to the bathroom and grabbed a towel to dry the other
off. “It’s just blue balls, love.”
“Blue balls? But they aren’t even blue…”
“It’s just a name for it. Like if someone is bruised and they describe it as
‘black and blue’…that’s pretty much what’s happening there.” Yoongi climbed
into bed, straddling the younger’s thighs and planting himself there.
“How can they be bruised? We barely did anything last night!”
“I proudly take responsibility for your condition.” Yoongi smiled smugly down
at him. “This is what happens when you keep getting aroused but don’t release.
All those fluids just sit there and builds up until you’re a swollen mess of
pain. Last night, I might’ve been a bit of an asshole.” He smiled evilly. “I
may or may not have been intentionally brushing up against you and grinding
against you before you fell asleep.”
Taehyung gasped. “I thought you were doing it on accident but it was on
purpose?” Taehyung flushed a charming pink. “Damn it, I remember you saying
something about it when I was falling asleep. I thought it was a joke.
Hyung…how could you?”
“I couldn’t resist, not after you were such a pushy brat. But I didn’t intend
for this to happen.” He kneaded the younger’s thighs consolingly. “I just
wanted to tease you a bit as payback. You were still hard when you passed out.
I watched you for a while as you slept and heard some very interesting things…”
he grinned smugly, “judging by your condition, I can probably guess what went
on in your dreams. I’m flattered.”
“You’re cruel.”
“You’re cute.” He leaned down, carefully avoiding the swollen area, and kissed
Taehyung’s nose mole, and then the one on his lip. “I’m sorry love, but I
couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be petty.”
“You’re a demon.” Yoongi smiled brightly, pleased by the comparison. “So, how
do I get rid of it?”
“Well…the only way to get rid of it is to let it pass or cum.”
“What!?! How long will it take if I just leave it alone?”
“I don’t know. An hour? A few hours? I’m not proficient in blue balls, love.
Just romance.”
“Oh, great.” He sighed, sounding utterly crushed. “There’s no way in hell I can
fly in this condition, it’ll be painful. I guess I’ll have to take care of it
then.” He sat up slowly. “I’ll be in the bathroom for a while, okay?”
Yoongi pushed him back gently. “You don’t have to do that. It’s my fault you’re
like this…the least I can do is help you out.”
“No,” Taehyung stated firmly. “I can’t let you do that hyung. After last night,
I promised I wouldn’t go there with you. I don’t want to chance hurting you
again.”
“I wouldn’t exactly consider this sex, Tae. It’s more like…a medical procedure.
A sexy medical procedure. Besides, I don’t want to see you hobbling to
bathroom. It’s depressing to watch. Just stay here and let me get rid of it for
you.”
“No. I can do it myself.” He sat up again. “I appreciate the offer but I’m
fine.” He tried to shoo Yoongi off of his thighs, but the elder dug in.
Taehyung tried to push him away, but they somehow ended up slap fighting.
Taehyung gave up first, exhaling in frustration. “Hyung, please get off. I
don’t need your help.”
“I insist. It’s the least I can do…I’m actually starting to feel guilty.”
Yoongi leaned forward and brushed his cheek. “Sometimes it’s easy to forget how
innocent you actually are. I’m really sorry for doing this to you, love.”
“It’s not your fault that I’ve reverted to a horny teenager. I just have to
learn to exercise self-control. And as much as I would love your help, it
wouldn’t be right. So, thanks, but no thanks. I won’t change my mind.” He
softly kissed his hyung and smiled. “I”ve already tried to push you into sex
last night, guilting you is just as bad. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“Oh…okay.” He tore himself from Taehyung’s legs, moping. He saw the younger
tense up as Yoongi moved to the other side of the bed, and then wince as he
pulled himself into a sitting position. It tore him up inside. He had never
intended for his precious dongsaeng to feel any pain. It was supposed to be
just some harmful teasing, but seeing his discomfort and hearing his groans
mortified Yoongi. As Taehyung started to stand, Yoongi grabbed his arm. “Wait!
What if I could help without touching you?”
“How?”
“I’ll talk to you…give you material to use.”
“No, it sounds weird actually. You’re just going to sit there and talk while I
jerk off? I mean, I love your voice and I’m not shy when it comes to that but
won’t it make you uncomfortable?”
“Stop thinking of me and worry about yourself for once, Tae. I’m a bit excited
to tell the truth…I have an idea I want to try out. Just lay back hubby and let
me take care of you…please.” The obviously pained redhead looked at the elder
skeptically, an argument on his lips. “I promise I won’t touch you unless you
ask me to and I promise it won’t upset me. This is something I want to do for
you. I hate seeing you distressed, love. Please, let me do this for you. I’m
begging, Tae.”
“O-okay.” He laid back, looking up at Yoongi with resignation. “But if it gets
uncomfortable for you, please stop.”
Yoongi scoffed. “You act as if this is going to be some kind of chore for me.
I’m going to share with you one of my favorite fantasies. You just close your
eyes and listen...” Taehyung obediently closed his eyes. “…wait one second.
I’ll be right back, keep your eyes shut no matter what!” Quick footsteps left
the room and returned less than a minute later. He felt Yoongi settle down
right next to him. “So,” the still suffering redhead listened attentively as
Yoongi began his tale, eyes glued shut.
“You send a pic of yourself splayed on our marital bed. You’re lying on your
back naked, legs spread and biting down hard on your hand as you snap the pic.
I can see a bottle of lube lying near your head and it all just screams ‘fuck
me’ so naturally I grab my shit and jet home to you.”
                                     *****
I raced home after receiving the last pic—breaking traffic laws, sound
barriers, and a more than a few commandments in the process—trying to make it
to him in time. I knew he had started without me, but I’ll be damn if he was
going to finish without me. I burst through the doors of our home, toss my
briefcase into the unknown while kicking off my shoes, and sprint to our
bedroom only to freeze when I find my husband…
                                     *****
Taehyung frowns. “Ugh…it’s so sentimental. I thought you were trying to help.
My balls have one foot in the grave here and you’re raving about your marriage.
Get to the good stuff already…”
Yoongi sits there, unbeknownst to Taehyung, pulling apart rose petals. “It’s my
fucking fantasy, let me tell it my way. So…”
                                     *****
…my husband naked on his knees in the middle of our bed. His tongue pokes out
between plump, pink lips and his eyes are screwed shut in concentration as he
grinds down on his fingers. I freeze, mesmerized by the erotic picture he
makes; undulating hips with strong, lean thighs acting as the impetus behind
his hypnotic rhythm. In a trance I walk over slowly, silently, and join him on
the bed. Eyes still shut, a slow smile spreads as he breathes out, “Yogi-
hyung.” He continues his grind, moaning now because he knows how much I get off
on his noises. The squelching sound his fingers make as they explore his tight,
wet heat has my mouth watering. I lean forward and kiss him gently first, then
trace those pretty lips with my tongue…
                                     *****
Yoongi picks up a stalk of white orchid and brushes the uppermost, silky petal
faintly across Taehyung’s lips. “Story getting better, love?” he asks huskily.
The younger breathily replies, “Much better…can I open my eyes yet? I want to
see you,” he pouted.
“Not yet. Not until I tell you.”
                                     *****
He continues to ride his fingers while I focus on the pristine skin of his
neck; I’m compelled to mark it with purples and reds. So I kiss gently first,
starting from his weak spot…behind his ear….down his neck…across his
collarbones…
                                     *****
Yoongi slowly blew a gentle trail of air starting from behind Taehyung’s ear,
down his long neck, and across perfect collarbones, smirking when he noticed
the younger shiver. Taehyung licked a broad, wet stripe against his palm and
leisurely began to stroke himself. Yoongi was spellbound, eyes glued and
flitting back and forth from the lazy, deliberate, careful strokes to the
bottom lip trapped between teeth. He didn’t snap out of his trance until
Taehyung prompted, “And then?”
He cleared his throat. “Then…”
                                     *****
…I bite, hard, right at that soft juncture where neck meets shoulder. I take
his soft flesh into my mouth, sucking, pulling, and biting. Passion clouds his
head and his hips falter; he can’t focus while my teeth sink in deep, breaking
skin…
                                     *****
“Mmm...” Taehyung’s strokes intensify, both in speed and strength. “Please, let
me open my eyes.” Yoongi ignores the plea. He finds it very hard to concentrate
on finishing his story, his boxer shorts straining to hold in his own erection.
He watches a bead of precum grow on Tae’s tip, eventually spilling over to add
glide to Tae’s strokes. He had to hold himself back from leaning over and
stealing a sample.
                                     *****
After I’m satisfied that he is sufficiently marked, I watch him continue to
work himself open…preparing himself for me. After a few minutes of leering, I
grow impatient and jealous that only he gets to feel himself clench on his
fingers; that he gets to enjoy that warmth and tightness as he slowly comes
apart. I tug the offending hand away and push him roughly down onto his back. I
straddle him and pin his hands above his head, kissing him erratically all over
his torso…
                                     *****
Yoongi picks up the previously shredded rose petals, holds them high, and
slowly lets them tumble from his hands bit by bit all over Taehyung’s chest and
stomach. He gently blows the petals about, letting them tickle and tease the
redhead. Taehyung moans loudly, intermittently thumbing the slit of his bloated
head while stroking. Yoongi doesn’t feel the drool that dribbles down his chin
at the sight; he slips a hand into his own boxers.
                                     *****
I concentrate on his nipples, taking them between my teeth in turns, grazing
each lightly before suctioning one into my mouth. As he hums in delight, I
force the three middle fingers of my hand into his warm, inviting mouth and he
sucks them enthusiastically and thoroughly. I feel his pliant and skilled
tongue slipping between the fingers, making sure to amply wet each digit. He
continues to hum and the vibrations make my mind go hazy, picturing the many
things that his mouth has done to me over the years. I lose control, pulling my
dripping fingers from that heavenly cavity with a resounding pop and ramming
all three without hesitation into his fluttering, stretched out hole at once,
sneering as he hollers my name…
                                     *****
“Yogi!” Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat, wrecked by the sound of his
nickname tearing from Taehyung’s throat. He watches Tae work, face ruddy and
sweat dripping from his forehead. He rubs his own lump purposefully.
                                     *****
My fingers viciously pound into him. I kiss my way down past his navel, past
his dick and down to his taint…I play there for a while, lightly licking and
tickling with the tip of my tongue. I gently tease his balls before taking them
fully into my mouth…
                                     *****
Yoongi, still massaging himself, grabs the orchid stalk again and drags it down
Tae’s body, following the same path as in the story. “Fuck!” Tae calls out,
pumping into his closed, tight fist.
                                     *****
He’s trembling now, body fraught with pleasure. I pull out my fingers and make
sure he sees me lick each one clean, getting high from the taste. He whines,
his puffy and abused opening clenching around air, but I ignore him as I stand
and walk to the end of the bed. I slowly undress, enjoying the feeling of his
eyes burning into me. He is crazy with want and seeing his torture at having to
wait for my touch makes me even harder. After prolonging the tease as long as I
could, I strip bare and rejoin him on the bed. I crawl leisurely up his long
body with a predatory smile overtaking my face, stopping here and there to
leave bites and hickies as I make my way back up. He is squirming by the time
we are face to face. I close my fingers around his bruised throat and squeeze…”
                                     *****
Yoongi pulled his hands out of his boxers and glanced around the bed quickly,
grabbing the orchid stalk again. He moves so that he is kneeling right at
Taehyung’s shoulders. He slides one end of the long stem under Taehyung’s
canted neck, crisscrosses the ends over the front and pulls it taut. It’s tight
enough to restrict his beloved dongsaeng’s windpipe without hurting him. He
locked the ends of the stem against the mattress with his hands and pressed
hard; Taehyung gasped as his air supply was cut off. Yoongi unwittingly let a
breathy ‘Fuck’ escape his lips at the pretty sight a bound Tae makes.
                                     *****
He watches me with wide eyes as I move in really close, lips brushing lightly
against his ear lobe. I murmur…
                                     *****
Yoongi leans in until only a breath separates his lips from Taehyung’s ear,
orchid stem still digging into the younger’s neck. “I’m gonna fuck you so
good…so hard love…” he chuckled darkly. “I’m going to fuck you until your
joints turn to jelly and your bones to dust. Your eyes are going to roll so far
back in your head that you’ll be able to see what you’re thinking before you
think it. I’m gonna make you scream my name until your throat bleeds and I’m
gonna keep you cumming until the stars turn cold. I’m gonna break you, Tae.
Ruin you. You’ll only ever be mine…all mine.” He loosens the the stem a bit so
that Taehyung could breathe freely.
Taehyung’s eyes flutter open. “Shit, hyung…I’m…I…yours, hyung.” he stammers in
a strangled, rough voice that Yoongi likes a bit too much. He forces them shut
again, trying hard to obey his hyung’s earlier command. He’s bucking into his
own palm like a madman at this point.
Yoongi tossed aside the orchid and slipped out of his boxers, leaking cock
springing back and slapping his stomach loudly.
                                     *****
I take two of our king sized pillows and stack them under his lower back. I
throw his legs over my shoulders and greet his tantalizing, pretty, pink hole
that winks suggestively at me, excess lube dribbling out and sinking into the
sheets. I line myself up and without any warning plunge into him until I’m
firmly planted; he shrieks from the burn. There’s no time to wait until he
adjusts…it’s no longer about comfort. I promised that I would fuck him until he
sees his own thoughts before he thinks them; I’m a man of my word. So I drill.
I pull out painstakingly slow until only the tip is still in…and then I slam
forward. Over and over again I do this until his legs are shaking and tears are
spilling. He’s yelling out my name and I lose all control as I pound into him,
fingertips digging into the supple flesh of his hips. I fuck into him
relentlessly, without pause, without care. His head wildly whips back and forth
as he clutches onto the sheets, trying desperately to cling to something solid.
I can tell he’s afraid I’m going to fuck him right out of his skin and with the
noise he’s making, I’m tempted to try. I lick my lips at the thought and he
keens like he’s being murdered.
The sweet sound of skin on skin is maddening, addictive and could only be made
better with the sound of his deep moans, whispers, and curses. The screaming is
nice, but I want him to call my name. I want him to praise me and curse me at
the same fucking time. Of course I know the best way to get what I want.
I force his legs down, pushing hard until they are an unyielding horizontal
line. Luckily he is limber; if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be able to walk
afterwards. I sharply snap my hips and go deeper than I’ve ever gone and he
cries out…
                                     *****
“Yoongi!” Taehyung yelled out before biting his fist.
Yoongi yanks on his throbbing dick, watching zealously as the younger slowly
unravels. “Mmm…just like that.”
                                     *****
My pace is harsh as I purposely try to rearrange his inner anatomy. I want to
see my dick poking underneath the skin of his stomach. I pull him back to meet
each thrust, chanting ‘Mine’ with every stab, and the sounds he make are
lovely…oh so lovely…
                                     *****
Yoongi wrenches Taehyung’s free hand away from his mouth, his clenched fist now
marked with deep teeth indentations. “Why are you trying to stifle your
sounds…don’t you know what they do to me? I want to hear every one. Feed me,
baby.” Taehyung nods, eyes glued shut, and lets his gratification ring out in
the room. Yoongi shudders and starts stroking himself faster. “Yeah, love…just
like that. He sounds just like that.”
                                     *****
I’ve been careful to ignore his prostate this entire time, but it’s finally
time to say hi. I tug him back as I lunge forward with full force one last
time, locking myself in. He lets out a sigh that’s half relief and half regret.
But I won’t be leaving this warmth for a while…not until we both cum.
I begin to roll my hips, digging and rubbing, exploring his walls. He clenches
around me, involuntarily suctioning me in and pushing me out with his muscle.
The sensation is overwhelming; I dig my fingers deeper into his flesh, so deep
I can feel the current of blood rushing in veins. But I refuse to submit to
him.
I continue to stir his insides up with my cock and he’s a babbling mess now,
begging for me to touch him and let him cum. He wants to cum so bad he’s crying
now and being the sadist that I am, his tears motivate me to extend his
torture. I burrow deeper into him, my pace unforgiving and my grind harsh. I
smile when his voice cracks screeching my name. He shrieks again when I press
down on his abdomen so that I could feel every movement my dick makes while
inside.
I make 360 degree passes, noting carefully each time his back arches
dangerously off of the bed and profanity spills from his pretty lips. At one
point, I see him contort, arching himself right off of the pillows and
squishing an arm underneath himself as he screams out a string of expletives
too filthy for a pure mouth like his. I smirk; found it. I go to work,
concentrating all of my attention on that one spot. I bite my lip, reaching out
to wrap my hands around his perfect, leaking, engorged, and far too long
ignored cock. He is so good…so patient…he deserves the gift my hands are ready
to give. I begin to stroke slowly as he chants a litany comprised only of my
name…
                                     *****
Yoongi fought to maneuver the younger into a kneeling position. Somehow
Taehyung didn’t miss a stroke and he managed to keep his eyes sealed shut.
“Tae-Tae…baby…open your eyes for hyung.” His beautiful eyes opened wide and
Yoongi nearly lost it seeing the lust, the want, and the love clear in those
burning, chocolate addictions. “I want you to see what you do to me…what the
thought of you does to me. What hearing you does to me…” He took in Yoongi’s
wrecked form—pupils blown and eyes wild, heavy breathing, sweat dripping from
his brow, and lightly bleeding lip that he had bitten through unintentionally
as he pumped away frenzied—and nodded quickly, lip caught between teeth and
still thrusting. “When I do fuck you….finally, truly and ruthlessly fuck you,
Tae…” He growled passionately at the thought, eyes fluttering shut.
Taehyung didn’t need to hear the rest. He grabbed the elder by the neck,
crashing their lips together and tasting blood. Their mouths battled, tugging
and ripping and sucking desperately as they fought to keep their grip on
reality; fuck the fantasy. Too gone to focus on kissing, they merely rested
their foreheads against each other’s, mouths slotted together as they licked
sloppily; breathing in each other’s breath, swallowing each other’s moans and
whimpers. “Y-Yogi…Yogi-hyung. I-“ He couldn’t finish his thought, eyes closing
naturally as desire overtook him. “-you…I want…” He cried out again.
“Keep your eyes on me, Tae. Watch me…cum with me.” Yoongi had to force out the
words. “Ready?” Taehyung nodded, forcing his eyes open again.
They frantically pistoned into their fists, eyes locked on each other as they
both memorized every movement, every sound, and every expression. They finished
nearly simultaneously—Tae first, Yoongi a fraction of a second later—and
extremely loudly, thick ropes exploding powerfully upward and drenching
everything in sight. Stomachs, thighs, chests, and faces were all painted
white. They leaned against each other panting, exhausted bodies tangling as
they fell over onto the sheets.
They lied there, room silent except for heavy breaths and nonsensical whispers,
desperately trying to recover. A few minutes passed before Yoongi reached out,
pulled Taehyung’s face close, and licked a thick strip of jawline to taste what
lingered there. His eyes closed in delight as Taehyung placed kittenish licks
on his chin and cheeks to taste as well. Their eyes met and they drifted
forward to kiss, Yoongi lightly threading his fingers through silky, red
strands. “Did I help?”
“Mm-hmm…you helped a lot. It was nothing like I imagined Thank you for sharing
your fantasy with me.” Yoongi nodded and Taehyung bit his lip nervously. “Was
that…are you okay? You didn’t feel pressured or anything, right?”
“I should ask you that.” Yoongi grinned. “By the way, thank you for giving me a
new favorite.”
“For curiosity’s sake, how does it end?”
“Terribly domestic actually. Me drawing a bath, carrying you to the tub,
cleaning you gently and lovingly.” He adoringly smiled at Tae. “I feed you
food, then we cuddle and watch anime until you fall asleep. I carry you to bed
and spoon you all night long. It’s not the ‘good stuff’ you like, but it
definitely does something for me.”
“It sounds like a perfect ending to me…” He bit his lip again. “Hyung, you said
that this was one of your favorites…how many do you have exactly?”
“Millions.”
“Of favorites or fantasies?”
“Isn’t it both? All of my fantasies are my favorites.”
“Um…am I…” Taehyung laughed uncomfortably. “Am I in more of them?”
Yoongi scoffed. “Are you an idiot? You are my biggest and best fantasy, Tae.
Always have been, always will be. If you weren’t there it wouldn’t be a fantasy
at all.”
Yoongi grabbed the towel he had brought in earlier, and began cleaning the
younger’s face.
Taehyung grabbed his hand, stopping him. He stared at Yoongi so intently, so
lovingly, that the elder froze under his scrutiny. Both of their faces burned
as Tae said,
“Hyung…” Lips struggled to form words and he found himself babbling incoherent
syllables in an effort to get out his thoughts. “Ugh, I’m sorry, it’s just that
when I look at you the words flee from my head. Then I get all flustered and I
can never say exactly what I want to say.” He groaned, embarrassed. “It took
three months of practicing in a mirror to figure out the words for my
confession to you. I thought I had more time to practice, I wasn’t ready to
tell you that night but I had no choice.”
“I might be a bit biased, but I thought you did exceptionally well that night.”
“A bit biased?” Taehyung giggled.
Yoongi smiled, shaking his head, and placed a chaste kiss to the corner of his
mouth. “You don’t have to say it for me to know that I’m yours, too.” Taehyung
beamed brightly at first, cheeks still ruddy from exertion, before shyly and
cutely covering his face in embarrassment. Yoongi, with an adoring grin,
resumed his gentle wiping.
“But I want to say it,” he mumbled from behind his hands, then dropping them in
frustration. “You are, you know? My fantasy…you’re that for me too. You’ll
always be that for me too.”
“Will I?” Yoongi raised one eyebrow playfully. He made sure the younger was
completely clean before moving on to his own body. “Always is a long time, Tae.
You sure you can commit to something like that?” he teased.
Taehyung let his hands fall. “Me wanting you is something that will never
change. There will never be anything in this world that I want more than you,”
he stated adamantly.
Yoongi sighed. “I wish that were enough…wanting me.”
“Me too…” He waited until the elder had finished wiping before pulling him down
and wrapping him up in a tight embrace. “I guess there’s no way avoid the
serious stuff, right hyung?” Yoongi nodded and the younger nuzzled his jawline.
“I didn’t like the way it felt to hurt you last night. I don’t ever want to be
the cause of your pain again.”
“Then don’t let it happen.” He cuddled against the redhead who stared at him
with worry-ridden eyes. He could tell that the younger was stressing over the
decision he had to make. “Tae, I know you have a lot to consider and I don’t
want to make things harder for you.” He steeled himself, dreading the words
that he knew he had to say…for Tae’s sake. “I want you to know that I’m not
going to break if you don’t choose me. Now that there aren’t any
misunderstandings and I have all the facts, it’ll be easier to take. As long as
you’re honest with your feelings and don’t toy with me, I’ll be fine. If you
choose Jungkook, I’ll support it; I’ll support you both as long as I get to be
a part of your life again. We were friends before we were lovers, right? All I
want is my friend back. Anything extra that comes along with friendship is
great, wonderful even, but I’ll be happy with just that, okay? Just don’t leave
me again, not ever.”
“Never again,” he promised quickly.
“If you choose him, I’ll be waiting in the wings just in case.”
“I hate the thought of you waiting…maybe there’s someone out there who can make
you just as happy.”
“Meh…not interested. I don’t need another person to make me happy as long as I
have you.” He pinched the younger’s cheek. “Friend or husband,” he shrugged,
“it doesn’t matter to me one way or the other.” He grinned over at his
dongsaeng. “Besides, I can already imagine the drama because I’ll never be able
to love that person the same way I love you...as much as I love you. I wouldn’t
be able to make them my priority because you’ll always come first. They’ll end
up jealous, bitter, and unhappy and end up leaving anyway. I’m doing the world
a service by staying single.” They both laughed. “Trust me, Tae. I’ve seen
what’s out there and no one I’ve met measures up to you, not slightly. You’re
it for me.”
“You…” Taehyung bit his lip, reaching out to cup Yoongi’s cheek. “You’re…you
know...”
Yoongi cooed as Taehyung’s blush escaped the confines of his cheeks and spread
to his neck and ears. He flicked the nose mole he loved so much and kissed it
delicately and watched the boy’s eyes glass over. He could never tire of seeing
that. “I know. Well, I know that I was. And want to be again, but…”
“No…still.”
Yoongi lost all capacity to think, to speak. He gazed into earnest, unwavering
eyes as a lethargic smile spread on his face. “Still?” he asked hopefully.
Taehyung nodded slowly. Yoongi pulled him in for a slow, thorough kiss. “Thank
you for that love. You have no idea how happy it makes me to know it now...to
see it and feel it.” They latched onto each other, neither willing to loosen
their hold. Taehyung shot him a timid smile and he made it disappear with his
lips.
It was an unfortunate accident, pure chance really that as he pulled away from
the kiss he read the fear in Taehyung’s eyes; he saw the desperation, the
guilt, the sorrow, the panic. Once seen it couldn’t be unseen, and Yoongi knew
that Taehyung would pick Jungkook. He wondered briefly if the younger had been
hiding his turmoil the entire time for his sake; setting aside his grief so
that they could enjoy their time together. Or it was possible that Taehyung was
unaware he had made a decision. “I wish it were enough, Tae. Fuck, I wish I
were enough…” He knew who the younger would choose and now all he could do was
reassure Taehyung that he would be okay. He had to be strong for him.
“Hyung…I...it’s so hard. I want…”
 
“Shh…don’t worry. As long as you don’t leave me again, we’ll be okay.”
“I won’t…I can’t. Not ever.”
“Then, I’m happy.” Yoongi brushed his bangs back from his forehead. “Tae…you
know it’s okay for you to be happy, too, right?”
“Hurting someone just so that I could be happy…wouldn’t that make me a
monster?”
“I love you so much but sometimes I hate you. You’re just too fucking good for
this world, you know that right? I wish you had it in you to be a little less
altruistic and a little bit more self-serving…just once.”
“Oh, it’s in me, hyung. You saw what happened a few minutes ago…last night
too.” They laughed, pulling each other closer. “I love you, hyung.” He buried
his head in Yoongi’s chest. “Thank you…for yesterday and this morning and
everything. It was better than anything I hoped for. It was perfect. You are
perfect.” Even as he spoke such sweet words, Taehyung warred with himself over
his decision. After talking things out with Yoongi, he knew what he had to do.
He desperately tried to come up with a way to break the news to both of the men
without pushing either of them away. While he struggled to come to terms with
the sacrifice he ultimately might have to make, he gripped his hyung tightly,
wanting to hold onto him for as long as he could.
Yoongi smiled down at his soulmate whose face was still hidden while his hands
clutched the elder, fingernails digging into his skin painfully. “I love you
too, Tae. More than anything.” He felt the moisture, the wetness trickling down
his chest, but he didn’t say anything. He comforted his broken lover, staring
up at the beautiful sky sad, but also content. Now that there was no more
stress, he could just enjoy Taehyung like this...for the little time he had
left.
Chapter End Notes
     This has to be one of the most complex chapters I've written so far;
     it had everything. Fluffiness, humor, smut, and angst, and both
     Yoongi and Taehyung's POV all rolled into one. It was planned as a
     funny chapter to alleviate the stress from the last few chapters, but
     took on a life of its own.
     If Yoongi would've just given him that Daegu dicking the night
     before, poor Tae could have avoided all that pain, lol.
     OMG...Taehyung knows who he's going to pick, well, he thinks he
     knows. Who in the hell is it? Is Yoongi right in his assumption? Or
     is he relying to much on that nonverbal connection they have? Hmmm...
     I'll be waiting for you in the comments. Scream at me, curse me out,
     fight me, or coo at me...I'll take it all loves. Hehehehe....
     Up next: 35 - If That's not Love, Then What Is?
***** If That's not Love, Then What Is? *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook seeks advice; Jungkook can no longer deny a very evident
     truth.
Chapter Notes
     4funjinjja: "...how can I bribe you into a chapter before next
     Wednesday???"
     Me: You don't have to.
     Here you are lovely and accompanying lovelies. I was supposed to post
     it yesterday but after a very full day and a super intense Zumba
     class, I pretty much collapsed on the sofa after devouring a pizza
     with a glass of wine and passed out watching old Boondocks episodes.
     xD I'm sure the other faithfuls will thank you even though it's
     mostly dialogue, lol. I'm sorry for that. Forgive me?
     Also, I just noticed that I broke 200 kudos and have over 5500 hits.
     I'm usually so preoccupied with the wonderful comments that I don't
     really give attention to the other two. I'm so very thankful to
     everyone who reads and supports by giving kudos, a hit, or a
     bookmark. Comments give me life, but I value you silent readers just
     as much, users and guests, okay? I hope you guys like what you're
     reading so far. And to those who go the distance to motivate me every
     week...y'all already know, so I don't have to say it right?
     Hehehe...Love you all. I hope you enjoy.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“So fucking perfect…you’re so beautiful.” The room is stifling. Flames threaten
to consume me from within and outward until there is nothing left except happy
ashes. I am more than willing to make that sacrifice, as long as Taehyung keeps
up this sinful rhythm. My angel sits astride me, his lean thighs framing my
torso as he rides. His hips seesaw as he makes languid yet extremely precise
figure eights, grinding down on my cock. My eyes roll back in my head and a
guttural growl tears from my lips. “Tae…” My fingernails leave deep crescents
in the golden skin of his thighs.
I look up at my love who is giving his best effort. His candlelight kissed skin
is drenched in sweat, lending the appearance that he is shrouded in tiny
diamonds. It drips from his brow, some running down to drop from the tip of his
regal nose while others leave invisible trails down rosy cheeks and gather
along his chiseled jawline. Those lucky droplets spill down his neck, racing
down his chest and taut stomach to pool at the place where our bodies are
joined. His face is flushed and screwed up in concentration, bottom lip caught
between his teeth. “Mmmm….”
My hands slide up along those sinful legs and land on his petite waist. I grip
him tightly and join in his dance, forcefully driving upward as he bears down.
The movement elicits a deep moan from him that that sends my need somersaulting
out of control. I continue to spear into him, the frequency and intensity
slowly building. I hear the clack of teeth as his jaw snaps closed from the
force of each blow. His eyes open wide and he gazes down at me in wonder, eyes
hooded and blissed out.
I sit up; he collapses against me. My right hand seeks out his left hand; I
entwine our fingers and bring his hand up to kiss the ring he wears on his
finger. My ring. I gather him into my arms and grip his shoulders as I thrust
up even harder. Our lips meet and lazy sloppy kisses ensue. He’s still moving,
sighing into my mouth as we grind. The heat…it’s far too easy to give in to it.
As the burn increases I whisper against his Iips, “I love you…” I drag a finger
down his spine, smirking as he shivers at my touch. My hands eventually find
purchase on his supple ass. I grip it tightly, groaning as the strokes deepen.
“I love you too, Kookie…” he murmurs. He’s perfect, oh so good. I can’t hold
out for much longer, it feels so fucking good. I’m about to explode as his
words ring in my ears…I love you too…I love you too…
                                     *****
I love you too…I woke up with Taedy locked in my arms grinding into the
mattress, smiling as the effects of the dream lingered. I was relaxed, happy
even, and extremely horny. When the fog in my head finally cleared, I rolled
over to kiss Tae awake and maybe squeeze in some play time before our day
started; he couldn’t possibly turn me down when I was hard enough to put my
dick through a cement block. When I saw nothing other than the stupid cat
plushie that I now hated, only emptiness in his usual spot, the mood was
ruined. How did I forget that I slept alone last night?
I squeezed Taedy tighter, burying my nose into his fur. He hadn’t come back all
night. It was the first time we had slept apart in a very long time. Tae had
spent the night out with that asshat Min Yoongi and as much as I didn’t want to
be angry, I couldn’t avoid it. I snatched up his ‘Yogi’ and threw the bastard
clear across the room; I didn’t need any reminders of that guy. Tae left me all
alone on our romantic getaway to be with him, so yes I was extremely angry. I
was also terribly sad.
Last night after being pampered and spoiled to the point that I felt like
royalty for hours, I’d burst through our room’s door expecting to see the man I
love waiting for me with open arms. I wanted to tell every secret, correct
every mistake, and erase every lie. I wanted to apologize for my behavior and
reconcile with him. I wanted to put my ring on his finger, fuck him, and mark
him as mine. But our room was empty. It was quiet. It was cold.
I didn’t think much about it at first; it was only a little after nine and I
knew he and Min Yoongi had a lot to catch up on after such a long time apart.
So I waited for him naked, ring box open and at the ready. But when nine became
ten, and then ten turned into 4 a.m. I’d given up and gone to bed lonely.
Waking up without Taehyung at my side was a sobering moment. I realized I
wasn’t putting forth my best effort to keep him at my side. I fucked up big
time and pushed him away. Flying off the handle at the littlest thing, breaking
my sobriety, selling myself again…it’s like I was giving him my blessing to be
with someone else. I was unintentionally endorsing Min Yoongi as my replacement
and I needed to stop.
I needed advice. I needed to talk to someone, anybody, to get a little
perspective and maybe some support. I grabbed my phone and dialed one of very
few numbers saved into my phone.
“Hey, Jungkook-ah…how’s it going?”
“Namjoon-hyung, not so good.”
“Not so good? Is it Tae? Is he okay?”
“I don’t know…fuck, hyung I don’t know what’s happening and I really need your
help to figure things out. Has he ever mentioned someone named Min Yoongi to
you?”
“No, not that I can recall.”
“Not even in your sessions?”
“You know I can’t divulge what he talks about in his sessions; it would violate
patient confidentiality. Jungkook, what’s happening over there?”
“Too much. Hyung…I’m not sure we going to come back as a couple. Maybe not even
as friends.”
“Ah…I’m sorry to hear that Jungkook. I know how much you wanted it, but I did
warn you that maybe it was too soon to enter into a serious relationship. You
still have a long way to go and I don’t want you to risk transferring your
dependency. You also still have coping deficiencies.”
I rolled my eyes. “Hyung, I didn’t call for a diagnosis. I need advice. Friend
to friend, not doctor to patient.”
“Okay…I guess. But maybe you should fill me in on the situation first.”
“Okay…but promise me you won’t judge or get angry.”
He let loose an impressive string of expletives before groaning, “Fuck,
Jungkook, what did you do?”
I took a deep breath, preparing myself to live through it all again. “It all
started the day we got here…” I vomited up every single detail from the last
two days, making sure to be as candid as possible. I didn’t want him to tell me
what I wanted to hear, I needed the absolute truth. “…and so I wake up in bed
alone and I don’t know what to do. I still want him and after how sweet he was
to me last night I think he wants me too, but I’ve fucked up big time by not
telling him the truth and he spent the night out with another man.”
“Jeon Jungkook…” I could imagine him removing his glasses and pinching the
bridge of his nose in frustration. “You should be very grateful that there are
several miles, several states between us. If you were in front of me, I
wouldn’t be able to maintain my calm. You have severely damaged my calm.
Murdered it. You get that right?”
“I do. I get it and I’m sorry. I-I’m just frustrated. I lost myself for a
moment and no one regrets what I’ve done more than me. I really am sorry.”
“Risking your own health with your behavior is bad enough, but you actually
raised your hand to him after witnessing firsthand the abuse he suffered? You
saw what Uncle did to him, you saw the state he was in yet still…what in the
hell is wrong with you? I hear your side, and I know you’re suffering too, but
I can’t move past you hitting him. I won’t just brush that fact aside and
sympathize with someone who could do that.”
“I don’t want you to brush it aside. I want you to tell me how to fix it. I
feel so much guilt already. And then I lied to him and I cheated and I used…I’m
fucked up and I just want to fix it.”
“I think I was right in advising you to avoid entering into a relationship. You
clearly aren’t ready.”
“That’s Dr. Kim talking. I need Namjoon, my friend.”
“To be honest, Jungkook, I don’t think we are…not after this.”
I was devastated. “Hyung…you don’t really mean that, do you?”
“I’m…no…not really. I’m your hyung still, but I’m his family. And after
everything he’s been through I can’t help but be overprotective. The things you
are doing…” he sighed heavily, “hitting him is just a very hard thing to move
past. I care about you, I really do. But I don’t know if I can forgive this.”
“I’ve already apologized. Tae himself forgave me, well, for the things he knows
about, so I don’t see why you can’t. I just need somebody in my corner. ”
“Tae’s always been too compassionate, you know that. You gave me your word you
would keep him safe, that you would protect him. It’s the only reason I
supported this trip, the only reason I supported you. I thought you loved him
as much as Jinnie and I do.”
“I do…fuck! This isn’t going at all how I planned it. I didn’t think you would
doubt my love for him. I know that I’ve fucked up majorly, but I still love him
more than anything.”
“You can’t...not if you could hit him after everything he’s done for you. Not
if you can behave like this after the extra shit he had to go through to keep
you close!” he screamed. I heard him sigh and take a few breaths to collect
himself. “I apologize, I lost my head for a second. Raised voices are
counterproductive and the last thing I want to do is add to your stress. You
tend to do stupid things when you’re stressed.”
“Obviously…hyung, why does everything I touch turn to shit?”
“I don’t know, Jungkook, maybe you should try to figure out why you’re so self-
destructive and correct it before you drag Tae down with you.”
“Hyung, I would never…could I?”
“I don’t think it’s wise for me to continue this conversation in the capacity
of an acquaintance. As your therapist I advise you to find the nearest support
group as soon as possible. You’re feeling vulnerable right now, so it will be
easier to fall into your old habits because they are your comfort zone. Talk
out your feelings instead of trying to numb them. You also need to tell
Taehyung about your recent struggles. Not about how much you love him, but
about your insecurities and how he unknowingly triggers them. The sooner you
address those issues, the sooner you can move forward. And you should be honest
about why you slept with that man and your drug use. Lastly, you need to get a
hold of your emotions so that you don’t lose your cool again.”
“And what should I do about Min Yoongi?”
“I really don’t know, Jungkook. Ultimately, that is Taehyung’s decision to make
so I don’t think you should try to interfere. I just want him safe and happy,
who gives it to him isn’t my concern. Right now I’m still pretty angry at what
you did, so it’s hard for me to picture you in that role right now. Maybe when
I’m less pissed…”
His words died right along with any hope of getting his support. “Oh,” was all
I could say.”
“Jungkook…get your shit together. We all make mistakes, but it’s how we repair
them that determines what kind of men we are. I’m sure once I’ve calmed down a
bit, I’ll be able to offer better advice and be more understanding. But right
now, I’m just…done.”
“I-I understand, hyung. I’m…I’m sorry I let you down.”
“Make it up to me by not doing it again. Fix this.”
And then he was gone. I now had one less person on my side.
I dragged myself out of bed, the peace and relaxation I’d woken up with
completely gone. I did my morning ritual so that I could go and grab breakfast
from the buffet. Being alone all night and waking up to no one was too
depressing and having Namjoon upset at me, though justly, was too much to take.
I needed noise, to be part of a crowd. I grabbed my keycard and cellphone and
hauled ass downstairs.
When I stepped off of the elevator, my eyes were still glued to my phone as I
looked up nearby NA meetings. My mind was focused only on finding a nearby
meeting, as well as the thought of gorging on crisp bacon, fluffy eggs, and
orange juice, when I looked up and my eyes found them.
Sheer happenstance had me seeing them cleave to each other as they navigated
their way through the lobby. I saw Taehyung staring at him raptly, tightly
gripping the elder’s arm, while the demon leaned against him mumbling words I
couldn’t hear into Tae’s ear. It should have been physically impossible for
them to be tangled up and close like that while walking, yet somehow they
managed. They were both grinning like idiots and I could actually see the love
between them. It was so blatant, so fucking enormous, that I couldn’t lie to
myself and say that it wasn’t real. I saw it and it hurt.
It seemed as if they were locked in some sort of impenetrable bubble; like they
were in their own little world. Taehyung wore the same clothes he had left in
and his hair was messy, but that didn’t stop him from stealing my breath away.
His skin blazed like he was lit from within; as if he had absorbed sun rays and
the light burst forth from every pore. The smile he wore was something foreign
to me…something brilliant and new. Yoongi looked soft—there was no other word
for it. His normally pallid skin was accompanied by pink cheeks and a gummy
smile that was—though I hated admitting it—extraordinarily cute. The most
glaring thing, the most hurtful, were the reds, blues, and purples dotting his
neck and collarbones…I couldn’t help but wonder if there were more in places
hidden by clothes. Though I knew how they got there, I didn’t want to think
about it. I didn’t want to picture it.
Whatever Yoongi said had Taehyung blushing before he looked down at his feet,
embarrassed. Yoongi burst into laughter before poking Tae’s cheek, and then
capturing him in a hug. Taehyung melted into him effortlessly, guilelessly
lacing his arms around his neck before kissing him sweetly. They stood there
clinging to each other in the middle of the lobby, forehead to forehead as if
they were the only two people there. It was such a tender moment, so personal,
that I felt like an intruder. I turned my back on them.
With my fists clenched and my jaw set, I tried to will away the image of them
together. Hearing Taehyung say he loved this other man was one thing, but
actually seeing it…it was unsettling. I should have been angrier that he could
openly be like this with another man, unashamedly affectionate, but mostly I
felt threatened. I should have taken Tae more seriously, should have listened
to him when he tried to tell me of his feelings for Yoongi. I shouldn’t have
focused so much on myself, maybe I would have been better prepared. There was
no way in hell he would pick me, not when Yoongi made him look and act like
that. Made him smile like that.
I tried to stop myself from contrasting us two competitors, but failed
miserably. It irked me to no end that Taehyung could fall for two guys who were
so different. Yoongi was so polished and cool. He was obviously wealthy, though
it didn’t matter because Tae had so much cash that when he walked down the
street trees got scared. Yoongi seemed smart and masculine. He had style, he
was mature, and he was handsome. He grew up with Tae and knew everything about
him. Those two were a perfect match.
Meanwhile I was just me. A moocher. Kind of stupid. Younger. No money, no
assets. I mean I had a nice body, was handsome, and gave a hell of a blowjob;
other than that I had nothing to offer. And from the way they looked at each
other it was clear why he hadn’t come home to me last night. He was already
home…with Yoongi. I wasn’t enough for him. I would never be enough and I hated
it.
Though I was angry and jealous, getting upset and throwing a tantrum was the
old me; I wanted to move away from those actions. I didn’t want to burst into
tears and run away sobbing either. I thought of the sweet gesture Taehyung had
made last night…of his letter and his words. He couldn’t have faked that, no
way in hell. For some unfathomable reason he loved me. I had to mean as much to
him as this Yoongi person if he put that much effort into making me feel better
when I was the one who had wronged him. He loved me. Taehyung knew it, I knew
it…it was up to me to make Yoongi know it. I turned back to face them,
determined to make Yoongi recognize it and acknowledge it. I marched directly
up to them.
They didn’t even know I was standing there. I cleared my throat loudly.
“Hyung…”
The moment I spoke I saw that softness, that light, leave Taehyung’s eyes. I
saw the demon’s shoulders tense and his eyes go dark and menacing as they met
mine. I have been in several scary situations because of the life I’ve led, but
I’m not ashamed to admit that I had never been as afraid as I was at that
moment. I felt my instincts kick in as his eyes bored into me, screaming for me
to run; I didn’t back down though. I held my ground.
They broke apart, well, as much as they could…Taehyung gripped Yoongi’s shirt
while Yoongi let a hand fall to Tae’s lower back. It’s like they were afraid
that the lack of contact would kill them. I frowned slightly, which apparently
triggered the short guy. Yoongi moved as if he were going to step towards me,
but a tentative tug from Taehyung stopped him in his tracks. He stood there
glowering at me, but I focused my attention on Tae. “Jungkookie?” he asked
warily.
I don’t know why I did it, but I held out my arms and waited for him to step
into my embrace. “I missed you, babe.” I stood there like an idiot with my arms
extended, praying that he would find his way into them where he belonged.
He looked at Yoongi first and they shared some sort of silent communication; my
heart clawed its way up into my throat threatening to choke me. It seemed like
years before Tae stepped into my arms, burying his face in my chest. I noticed
however that he didn’t let go of the man’s shirt; Yoongi merely took a step
forward so that Tae could continue to hold on to him. “Kookie.”
I sighed in relief, wrapping him up tightly and cherishing the feel of him in
my arms again. “Good morning.” I kissed his forehead lightly and was rewarded
with his signature boxy grin. I chanced a look at the fuming Min Yoongi, as
expected it looked like he wanted to cut off my head and shit down the opening.
It didn’t matter though, because Tae was with me. Yoongi would definitely see
Tae’s love for me.
“Do you feel better today, Kookie? Did you like my gift?” His breath tickled my
neck.
I nodded happily, smiling brightly. “I loved it. And I cuddled with Taedy all
night.” His loving, innocent brown eyes found mine and I promptly turned into
putty…until I noticed for the first time the ugly grayish-purple bruise gracing
his left cheek. I had been so caught up in how affectionate they were with each
other and the flagrant love bites that I had missed it. I stared at him in
disbelief and shock. There was no way in hell I had done that to him, right?
Tae noticed what I was staring at and hurriedly looked down at his feet; I felt
a prickling behind my eyelids. I lifted his chin and brushed the bruise lightly
with my thumb before cupping his face in my hands. “Tae?” I begged him with my
eyes; I needed to know that it wasn’t me.
Tae finally let Yoongi’s shirt go and placed his hands on top of mine; for a
split second I thought maybe I shouldn’t let him hold on to me. “It’s okay…it
wasn’t your fault.” How dare I touch him so tenderly with the same hands that
had struck his face? Namjoon was right. I had marked him. I was no worse than
his asshole grandfather. I withdrew my arms as tears threatened to fall.
I was disgusted with myself. I was shit. I didn’t deserve to feel his touch. I
wasn’t worthy of touching him. As Yoongi stood there watching, exuding powerful
waves of hatred and revulsion, my resolve to show him that I was just as loved
faltered. I hated the man, but I understood what he was feeling. If our roles
were reversed and he had marked Tae like that I would be looking at him the
same way.
Taehyung turned to face Yoongi. “Hyung,” he finally spoke up, eyes not quite
meeting the other man. “Kookie and I have some things to work out. Thank you
for everything. It was…I-” he blushed cutely and couldn’t finish whatever he
was about to say. “I will see you later okay?”
Yoongi, still standing rigidly as he tried to reign in his anger, scowled at me
first before responding. “But, love, maybe you should—“ the man started to
argue. His voice took on an entirely different timbre when he spoke to Taehyung
and it completely distracted me from whatever he was saying. It was overly soft
and sickeningly sweet; fond. It was nothing like the voice I’d heard the first
night we met. It was disarming. I grimaced, disliking him just a little bit
more.
“I’ll definitely come by later. You have to go and get ready because Eomma Yun
will be here soon, remember?” Taehyung smiled at him.
With just that small smile Yoongi’s stiffness disappeared. “Ugh, don’t remind
me.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration before finding me again
with his soulless, petrifying eyes. I guess Taehyung had a monopoly on soft
Yoongi because I didn’t get any of it. “I expect to find him in the same
condition I’m leaving him in.” While he didn’t say it out loud, the threat was
quite clear. Touch him like that again and I’ll kill you. Hurt him again I will
wipe out you and your whole family tree. Leave a bruise on his body and I’ll
leave nothing behind for forensics to sort through. I gave him a perfunctory
nod, which he returned. He walked up to Tae and brushed his cheek lightly.
“I’ll text you when she gets here. See you later, love?” Taehyung nodded,
allowing Yoongi to plant a quick peck on his nose and then lips before the man
strode off to the elevators.
Though there was an instant flare of jealousy, for some reason it didn’t hurt
me as much as it had earlier to see them kiss. Maybe it was because of how
obvious it was that the demon actually loved Taehyung. I had been hoping that
it was just nostalgia or being each other’s first love that was drawing them
together; I’d even imagined that he was some asshole forcibly keeping Taehyung
from moving forward. But their love for each other was real, so strong that I
couldn’t deny it. And I could never hate someone who loved Tae, not really,
since there were so few of us. I still disliked him, but I couldn’t hate him.
Not now.
I watched Yoongi until the elevators closed; he glared at me almost the entire
time, tearing his eyes away at the end to meet the redhead at my side. His
gummy smile lit the whole fucking lobby and I was so envious of him that I
prayed for him to die before he made it to his suite. I looked over at Taehyung
and saw that he had watched Yoongi’s departure as well; as a matter of fact, he
still stared at the elevator longingly with furrowed brows. I grabbed my
distracted hyung’s hand and led him off towards the buffet. “Have you eaten
yet?” He shook his head. “Good, I really want to share a meal with you.”
“I’m not hungry, but I’ll go with you. A lot has happened and we really need to
talk, Jungkookie.”
I nodded. “Yeah. But right now I just want to be with you. Those hours apart…it
was too long and I missed you so much. I just want to eat now and talk later if
that’s that okay with you.” I looked over at him, but found that it was quite
hard to do with that stupid bruise there to remind me of how much of an asshole
I was. “Is it?”
“Of course it is. Whatever you want, Kookie.” He gave me a hesitant smile and
squeezed my hand. “I…missed you, too.”
I let go of his hand and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He leaned into
me, head resting comfortably on my shoulder. I had to fix things and fix them
fast. I didn’t want to lose him, but I had no idea how to hold on to him. I
wanted to tell him I loved him, but after witnessing the grandiose nature of
their adoration I knew that mere words would never be enough. I would never be
enough.
Chapter End Notes
     So...now that I'm posting it I wish that dream at the beginning
     wouldn't have happened. Does any one else feel like it's too soon
     after the Taegi smut? The scene in this chapter existed first, but oh
     well. Ah...I'll go by what you guys say and if you don't want it,
     I'll edit it out. But I'm up to Chapter 40 and it's sans smut. :(
     Funny thing that always happens: we talk in the comments and you guys
     ask to see things in future chapters that I've already written about.
     Do you know how hard it is not to dole out spoilers left and right?
     I'm guilty of giving hints all the time, but somehow I always hold
     back the most important parts. I love it though so keep asking.
     Is anybody else sympathizing with Jungkook? He's just so down on
     himself and everything just seems to go wrong for him. I want to slap
     sense into him, but I also want to cuddle him and tell him that I
     believe in him. He's such a screw up. It's like he's drowning and I
     can't swim well enough to save him on my own. He's just so lost and I
     want someone in his corner. His cheering section is a bit
     thin...hehehe.
     Next updates:
     Chapter 36: Drastic Times, Drastic Measures (Jungkook devises a plan)
     Chapter 37: Revelation, Toleration, and Confrontation (Yoongi
     interacts with three people in very different ways)
     Chapter 38: Weighed and Measured (Taehyung makes the toughest
     decision he's ever had to make)
     My eagle-eyed lovelies...yes, three updates until the decision ;)
***** Drastic Times, Drastic Measures *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook and Taehyung clear up some things; a desperate Jungkook
     devises a plan.
Chapter Notes
     Happy Wednesday!!! :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
He stood there bathed in sunlight, gleaming like a beautifully bronzed statue.
He did not speak, he did not move. The faint rise and fall of his chest as he
inhaled and exhaled was the only way to distinguish him as a living being.
Otherwise he was frozen. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms snugly
around his waist, pulling him into me. He gave no reaction.
I laid soft kisses from his nape and down his slender neck; he merely stood
there. My frantic fingers dug into his hipbones and tugged him even closer. I
bit the little knob at the back of his neck and he gave no response, no
inclination that he had even felt it. I let my forehead fall between his
shoulder blades, languidly moving my hands from his hips, up his abs, and
finally resting on his chest. “Tae?” I tried desperately not to cry when he
didn’t answer. “Come back to me…please.”
This was not my Taehyung. The man who fed me smiles and encouragement, the man
who nurtured and worshipped me…he was gone. He was replaced by this empty, sad
creature full of turmoil and longing. Though the sunlight touched his eyes,
they didn’t shine. The gold flecks that never failed to hypnotize me were
missing from them and his usual mischievous smile was gone. He stood there,
blank.
It had been a long time since I’d seen him like this…Blank Tae. He was the one
who came home sometimes after visits with his grandfather. He would lock
himself in the bathroom or his bedroom, too traumatized to deal with whatever
had been done to him. Back then, I didn't know what was going on. Now I knew he
was either lost in a safe space, a happy place created from his memories to
escape reality, or he was stuck in a ‘daymare’. Either way I had to get him
back; it was too hard to see him like this.
I gave him a squeeze, begging him to return to me. I whispered sweet words in
his ear, telling him I loved him and needed him. I rocked him slowly, gently,
side to side and kept up my invocation of comfort. After a few minutes, I
sighed gratefully when he brought his hands up and captured mine, kissing them
gently before letting them fall. His movements were robotic, but at least it
let me know he was here. "I'm so glad you came back, babe." He stepped out of
my embrace, but I didn't complain. I let him have all the space he needed. Just
seeing him move was better than nothing. He was still in his own little world,
but at least he was aware; it was progress.
I retreated to the bed, so many thoughts fluttering through my mind. There was
so much I wanted to say to him, but then there were those things that I was too
afraid to hear him say. I wanted him to talk to me…but I didn’t want him to
talk to me. After seeing him with that demon I was a worried about what he
would do. I was terrified.
The sunlight made the bruise even more apparent. “Does it hurt much?” I asked
him tentatively from my seat on the bed. We’d been in the room for almost
twenty minutes; the longest, quietest, and most awkward twenty minutes we had
ever spent together. This doesn’t include the awkwardly silent breakfast during
which I ate heartily while pretending nothing was wrong and he stared off into
the distance like I wasn’t even there, ripping away at his sweater. After we’d
made it back to our room, he had kept to the other side the entire time,
avoiding my eyes and hugging himself. “It looks really bad. Maybe we should get
you to a doctor.”
He stared out of the large window, looking out at the strip. So much time
passed that I thought he was still far off in whatever world he had locked
himself in. I didn’t expect the emotionless reply, “I’ve had worse. This is
nothing,” when it came.
I flinched from the coldness of his response. “You didn’t really answer me.”
He finally tore his eyes from the nothingness he had lost himself in and looked
at me. “I did.”
“But…” Finally having to face those blank, cold, dark brown pools disguised as
his eyes did me in; I lost it. I couldn’t fight the tears as they exploded from
me and I cried out loudly. “I…what’s happening, Tae? What’s is this? What did I
do to you?”
It took a while but finally I saw him reanimate. “Jeon Jungkook,” he rushed
over to me and knelt. “I’m sorry…don’t cry. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. And
it’s not a big deal. I’m really fine.”
I stammered through sobs, “How can you say you’re fine when you look like
this?” I gently stroked his bruised cheek, my heart clenching as he leaned into
my touch. “How can you say it’s your fault when I’m the one who did this to
your face?”
He gently placed his hand over mine, brushing lightly with his thumb. “It is my
fault. I should have been more careful with my words. I don’t blame you for
getting angry, anyone would in a situation like that.”
“Anger is fine, but hitting you is definitely in the realm of ‘not fine’. I’m
know I said I was sorry yesterday, but Tae I’m so, so—“
He cut me off. “Stop apologizing, there’s no need. We moved past that already.
I know you love me, Kookie. You would never hurt me…you just lost your cool one
time. As long as it was the last time, we’re fine.” He fussed over me, wiping
my tears with his sleeves. “Don’t cry, okay? I hate seeing you cry.” He
peppered my face with sweet, loving kisses.
“But you won’t talk to me…you can’t even look at me! And what is this face
you’re making?” I cupped his cheeks. “Who is this person? You’re really scaring
me,” I cried. “I can’t find love there, in your eyes...I can usually see it
there. Sometimes it's just hard to see, but now it’s gone…it’s gone and I need
it back. I want it back, Tae.” I scrunched up my face, wailing. His love for me
was dwarfed by whatever it was he had with Min Yoongi. It had been eclipsed,
overpowered… stamped out.
“Jungkook, there is nothing that could ever make me stop loving you. I care
about you, I always will. But I have a lot on my mind right now, things that I
have to work through. I need you to understand that.”
“You’re not mad at me? You don’t hate me?”
“No…and I could never hate you. I love you, Jungkookie.” And then I saw a spark
of warmth, a flicker of that thing he called love for me shining through.
I should have been relieved to hear it, should have taken comfort in seeing it,
but I was even more stressed. I wanted to ask him if he loved Yoongi more, but
I swallowed the words. Though I knew the answer, I didn’t want to hear it, not
yet. “You’re way too good to me, Tae. Too good for me.”
“I’m not. You’re too good to me. Especially with Yoongi and everything…” He
buried his head in my lap and lightly kissed my thigh while I lightly threaded
my fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I’m causing so much trouble. It’s just
that Yoongi has always been…” he stared pleadingly, struggling to put it into
words.
Tears slowly subsiding, I spat spitefully, “Your everything, I know. I get that
he’s somebody who is important to you and that you’re really in love with him.
I didn’t want to believe it at first, but I saw it well enough for myself
today.” He blanched and though I regretted my tone, the words were true.
“What he and I have…it’s…I can’t…” and then his eyes were cold again. Dark.
He already seemed so splintered, so near done, and I wasn’t helping with my
attitude. So I collected myself and smiled bleakly down at him, cupping his
cheek. “It’s okay, Tae, really it is. You’ve waited for this guy for ten years
and you’ve loved him your whole life. It’s reasonable that you’re caught up and
don’t want to let him go. I understand that.” He sighed in relief, color
returning to his face. “But I don’t care about him. I don’t even want to hear
about him.”
He fisted my pants. “He and I talked about a lot of things last night…things
that affect you and me too. So much happened and I would feel better if we
talked about it. I don’t want to keep anything from you.”
I instantly thought of the hickeys littering Yoongi’s neck and god knows where
else…did Taehyung have matching marks? I shook my head to erase the stray
thought. “I would feel better not knowing.”
“But last night I…”
“Tae,” I interrupted, voice and hands shaky. “My confidence is already
shot…hearing about you and him getting closer and communicating will only make
me feel worse. My only concern is us. I want to know if we can fix us, if it’s
worth fixing at all.”
“I believe we can fix it, Kookie. You’re my best friend…I’ve already lost so
many people I’ve loved, I’m not about to lose you too,” he stated resolutely.
“I can’t lose you. But no matter how much I try to hold on to you, to take care
of you, somehow I end up hurting you. This situation…we’ve been through worse,
right? I don’t want it to rip us apart.”
“It won’t, not if we don’t let it. You said that no matter what I’ll be your
best friend right?” He nodded. “Well, I’m not going anywhere. So I guess we’re
stuck with each other.” He genuinely smiled up at me. “Let’s settle the first
issue…you kept your relationship with him from me. Truthfully, I overreacted. I
shouldn’t have blown up at you and let my emotions spin out of control. You had
no way of knowing that he would show up here. I was angry but after thinking
about it last night I realized that it was wrong to blame you, Tae. You
believed that it was over for you two with good reason. You were just as
shocked as I was, devastated even, so to blame you was stupid. I was wrong and
I apologize.”
He tried to wave it off. “You don’t have to…”
“I do. But that’s not our biggest problem. Yesterday, I did something stupid.
If you’ll allow it, I want to try and explain myself since I was such a jerk
about it.”
“You lied to me.” He looked up at me, the poster boy for heartbreak and
vulnerability; my mangled heart stuttered. “You slept with somebody else and
then lied about it right to my face.” Seeing him holding his tears, seeing how
betrayed he felt and knowing that I caused it did all kinds of damage to my
well-being. “You said that we would always be honest. That we would communicate
and be open. I know I kept things from you too, but it was either to protect
you or because I thought it had no bearing on our relationship. The motivation
behind your lie…I don’t understand it.”
“It was shame and fear. I did it because I knew I fucked up and I was scared it
would be the thing to finally make you give up on me.” I pulled him up to sit
next to me, erasing the trail of one runaway tear on his face as he settled
down. “I’m sorry about that, hyung. I was so embarrassed about what I had done
and regretted it. I thought by not acknowledging it, I could pretend it didn’t
happen. I already feel like you’re too good for me, and I thought if I admitted
what happened I would lose you for good.” I squeezed his leg. “About that
though…there’s more to the story than me just sleeping with someone else.”
“There’s more?” he asked, looking completely defeated. “Like, more lies?”
“No, definitely not. Not really, more of an omission. It’s just…after
everything that happened yesterday I felt so down on myself. There was so much
happening at once, so many emotions all at once, I was overwhelmed. I wanted to
shut everything off, just take the edge off for a little while…I needed an
escape.”
Taehyung was always quick to collect crumbs and from the knowing glint in his
eyes, he had already figured it out. He shook his head. “You wouldn’t do that
though.” He searched my eyes and quickly found the truth I had hidden. “Kookie,
you don’t mean— but you’ve been clean for almost two years now. Not after all
your progress,right? You used again?”
I nodded. “I used. I didn’t have any money to score because I left my wallet
here, so I traded sex for enough blow to make me forget for a while.”
“So...you used your body to get cocaine?”
I nodded. “It’s the only reason why I slept with that guy, to get drugs.”
“You’re saying it like it’s a good thing. Like it’s something I should be
grateful for!” He tore at the hem of his sweater. His eyes burned into me,
voice laced with agony. “And you did those things because of m-…what I told you
yesterday? The stuff about me and Yoongi?”
“Yes. It was too much for me, Tae. The thought of losing you…” Pain injected
itself into my words, and I couldn’t finish the sentence. Tae stared at me
forlornly. “I was falling apart and I needed to use. It was like the need took
control of my body. I couldn’t stop it, but even if I could have I didn’t want
to stop it. That’s how bad it was for me.”
His eyes shimmered in the sunlight. “Oh…I don’t know what to say.” I hated to
be the one who kept putting that guilty expression on his face. “I didn’t
intend…” he fell silent, fingers scratching, digging into his denim clad legs.
“I…”
“I talked to Namjoon-hyung and told him everything. He’s really pissed at me.
But he told me to get my shit together and go to a support meeting. He the one
who told me to be honest. Actually, I had planned on doing that anyway after
how sweet you were to me last night. I felt like absolute shit for lying to you
in the first place, so I wanted nothing more than to make things right again.”
“I didn’t know, Jungkook. I was only thinking about my feelings, so I’m sorry I
didn’t realize…”
I groaned in annoyance, interrupting him. “If only I could show you what my
head was like yesterday. Our issues go so much deeper than us keeping things
from each other. If only you understood what it’s like to be me trying like
hell to hold on to someone like you.” I gestured at him. “Shit, you’re so out
of my league, I don’t understand why you ever gave me a second look.”
“Why wouldn’t I, Jungkook? Why can’t you see how special you are to me?”
"I’m insecure, hyung. I’m nobody. I’m nothing. I was a prostitute and an
addict, a thief, and for a little while a debt collector…but not like the
assholes who ring your phone. I was…I did things. I am a bad person.”
He grabbed my hands, squeezing them comfortingly. “You’re not. Not to me,
Jungkook. I keep telling you over and over again that I don’t see you that way,
that none of what you did before matters to me. You were a victim of your
circumstances. You didn’t choose to do those things.”
I yelled out in aggravation, startling him. “I did choose to do those things.
And if I hadn’t met you I would still be doing those things. Stop making
excuses and just accept that I am what I am. You refuse to see the truth, the
real me. That’s our biggest disconnect, Taehyung. You say it doesn’t matter to
you, but it matters to me.”
“I do see the real you and that’s who I love.”
“Who you see isn’t me. Every time you say that you don’t see me that way, it’s
like you’re rejecting a part of me. If you have to cut out the parts of me you
don’t like, it’s not real love is it? That’s why I’m always doubting myself.
You say how much you love me, but you won’t acknowledge that other side of me.
The side of me that loved the notoriety my nickname brought. The side of me
that loved getting high. The side of me that enjoyed seeing people tremble with
fear when they saw me coming to collect. I chose all of it and you refuse to
see that. It’s like you’re constantly rejecting me while telling me you love
me. This push pull bullshit seriously fucks me up, hyung!”
Confusion clouded his eyes, face screwed up in concentration as he thought.
“But, I never—you never put it quite like this. Is that how you really feel?”
It felt so good to finally get it off of my chest. “Yes, all the time. I put up
with it because the only way to escape it is to leave you…I can’t. I love you
too much. I need you too much. But I always feel pressured to fit into this
needy, vulnerable, soft image you have of me…but that’s not me. I’m a fucking
screw up, Tae. And you can say you love me over and over again until you’re
blue in the face but it won’t matter if I feel that you don’t. It confuses me,
like, how can you claim to love me if you only accept pieces of me?”
Amazingly Taehyung smiled then, all wet-faced and shining eyes full of humor. I
stared at him dumbfounded and I would have been pissed if it weren’t so damned
disarming. Ir wass quite alarming to find myself smiling back at him. As
serious as our discussion was and as hard as it was to share my feelings, his
smile made talking a bit more bearable. “Could it be that all of this, all of
your feelings are a misunderstanding that can easily be fixed? I think it’s a
matter of simple misinterpretation, Jungkook.”
“I don’t think it is.” I pouted. He gathered me into his lap; I wrapped my legs
around his waist and laced my arms around his neck. It felt so good to be this
close again. I had missed him.
“Oh, it definitely is. When I say that I don’t see you that way, it doesn’t
mean that I’m ignoring who you were or what you did. It means that I accept you
flaws and all. I love you, all of you.” His lips embraced mine and my cognition
went on a temporary hiatus. “I guess I could see why you think this. You hit me
out of anger, you lied about fucking some random, and I accepted the
responsibility for it. But it wasn’t because I wanted to assuage your guilt; I
really believe that it was my fault. I just found out that you used again and
even though I feel betrayed, I’m still here trying to work it out with you. Not
because I don’t want to believe it, but because I believe you sincerely regret
it and want to fix it. I’m not disregarding it, ignoring it, or denying it or
any of the other things you’ve done in the past. All of those things make you
who you are; I know you very well, Jungkook, and I love you regardless…because
of and in spite of your faults.”
My mouth fell open. “What?”
“It’s true. Other than keeping Yoongi from you-“ I winced at the name, “-I have
always been upfront about how I feel. I think you’re letting your insecurities
skew my words and my actions. Jeon Jungkook, trust me when I say that I see you
for who you are. You’ve done things that I don’t agree with and you’ve suffered
so much, lost so much…”
“You have too.”
“Exactly. You are the only person who gets what I’ve been through. You know the
strength it takes to get through something like that because you’ve gone
through something similar. Because we have that in common it draws me closer to
you. You understand my pain and it makes me love you even more because it’s
something we share. That bond, I share it exclusively with you and no one
else.”
Skepticism was my immediate reaction. “Just me? Not even him?” I refused to say
the name.
“Yoongi-hyung and I connect in many other ways, in ways I didn’t even realize
until…” I glared at him for trying to slip that interloper into our
conversation. Just hearing him say the name was enough to set me on edge.
Seeing the set of my jaw, Taehyung dropped whatever it is he was about to say.
“Um, I told him about what I went through. He’s never experienced anything like
it. He didn’t go through it with me. He wasn’t there to pick up the pieces
every time I fell apart or woke up screaming from nightmares or couldn’t stand
the sight of myself for days at a time. He understands it but he doesn’t share
it. You and I, what we’ve been through together…I don’t have that with anyone
else.”
“I fuck up a lot, hyung. You don’t yell at me. You never let me take
responsibility for my own actions. You make excuses and brush everything off
like it’s unimportant.”
He lovingly passed the pad of his thumb across my cheekbone. “I understand you
so well that I can reason out why you do the things you do. It’s not that I’m
making excuses or ignoring your behavior, but that I get it. That’s why I try
my hardest to make life easier for you and to show you how much I admire
you…how much I love you.”
“Then why does it feel like pity?”
“Because you refuse to see your own worth. It’s like what you said earlier,
even if I say how special you are over and over again, if you don’t believe it
then it’s pointless.”
I couldn’t argue against him. It was true, he always went above and beyond to
make me feel loved, to show me how much he cared. And though I saw it, though I
knew it…I still doubted. “Sometimes you make me feel like I’m beneath you…like
you’re better than me. Not intentionally, I know, but still…”
His eyebrows shot up in alarm. “Have I ever in the time we’ve known each other
acted superior or flaunted my status?” He hadn’t. Ever. It wasn’t in Taehyung
to act like that. He was too kind, too sweet, too caring, too generous, and too
humble. I slowly shook my head. “I don’t think I’m better than anybody,
Jungkook. I think you are letting your personal issues color our relationship.
I think that you’re having a hard time accepting me because you’ve never had a
relationship based on real love. After everything you’ve gone through, you
don’t trust that I’m being genuine.”
“I want to trust, Tae.” I grabbed his sweater desperately. “How do I stop this?
How can I fix it?”
He shook his head sadly. “I don’t know, Jungkook. They’re your feelings; that’s
something that I can’t fix. But I think you should schedule some more
appointments with Namjoon when we get home.”
I took a moment before his words registered. I mumbled under my breath, “If
he’ll take me back, who knows how long he’ll stay mad…wait a sec.” I stared at
him, eyes filled with wonder. Was this it? Had he already chosen? “Home?” It
was shocking to hear it. I embraced that spark of hope, that glimpse of
possibility that we would be together at the end. “You mean…you’re coming back?
With me?"
He scoffed, looking at me as if I were an idiot. “What? Of course I am, it’s
where we live! I still have school to finish and I have to be close in case
Grandfather passes, then there’s running the company. Why would I just up and
leave…” his face went slack and I saw that sadness flood his eyes again. “Oh
right…Yoongi.” He looked apologetic. He took a deep breath and started with,
“Jungkook, Yoongi and I…“
I panicked and cut him off before he could continue. “No, it’s okay. We don’t
have to talk about him yet.” I threw my arms around him and buried my face in
his neck.
“I know you don’t want to, but we have to at some point. Kookie…I love you. I
love you a lot, too much. But I also love Yoongi, even more than I did before.”
I grit my teeth, wincing as the words washed over me. That tiny spark of hope
dissipated and lingered in the air around me, waiting for re-ignition. I felt
cold without it. I felt desperate. I felt afraid. “I didn’t know it was
possible to love two people at once, but here I sit, a living example. And the
more time I spend with him the more I’m reminded of why I fell so hard for him,
why I waited so many years just for him. He’s important to me, his happiness
means everything to me...”
“Oh.” I failed terribly to hide the disappointment in my voice.
He forced me to meet his gaze. “But so does yours,” he reassured quickly. I
positively beamed as my heart leapt into my lap. I wanted to jump up and down
on the bed and sing out my love for him. Hearing that my happiness meant so
much to him made all of this awkward, seriousness worth it. He continued,
unaware of my inward celebration. “This thing we’ve been building, it’s
different, but it’s special too, isn’t it? We don’t have the time that Yoongi
and I had, but we’ve been through so much in our short time together that we
were able to build this and I don’t want that to end.”
“Me either…we can’t end before we even start.” And that’s when an idea
formed…it clicked as easily as tumblers in a lock. I just needed the right
opening to make the suggestion, and I would get my chance to show him just how
much I loved him…uninterrupted. All I needed was a little time alone with him,
time to remind him of how compatible we are. Time to remind him how much we
mean to each other. Time to show him that he could grow to love me as much as
he did that other guy. I just needed time and a chance. Just one shot was all I
needed to prove that the place at his side belonged to me, not him.
“I know it seems like it’s not fair because we didn’t get to see where this
could lead, if we would work out as more than friends. We were just getting
started and then Yoongi came back. And as happy as I am to have him back in my
life, I can see how unfair it is to you. To us. But the truth is, I—“
“It really is unfair,” I interjected, whining. “Do you know how important this
trip was to me? How significant it is to our relationship?”
“I know. But about our relationship…I was wondering if—“
I didn’t want to know where that was headed so I hurried to cut him off again.
“I’ve been waiting on the chance to show you my feelings for such a long time.
I had so many plans for us, things I wanted to do so you could see how sincere
I was. I wanted to romance you, to make you realize you loved me the way I love
you. But it got hijacked and I’m trying to be understanding because the
circumstances are so…it’s fucking complicated. But I can’t help but be angry.
I’m resentful and I’m sad and I’m jealous and I’m hurt. And I’m disappointed
because it was so easy for you to toss me aside like I don’t matter…like you
don’t give a shit about me.”
His mouth fell open. “Is that how you really feel? Like I abandoned you?”
“You did, didn’t you? As soon as you heard his name, you left me. And then you
spring all of the shit you had been holding back and left me again just to meet
him for dinner. Then you go out of your way to make up with me only to stay out
all night with him. I keep getting shoved to the side like some
afterthought…how else am I supposed to feel but abandoned? You say that I’m
special to you, but then you treat me like you don’t care? It’s like what I
said earlier about loving me but rejecting me…don’t you care about me at all?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then why would you hurt me like that? You left me behind, Taehyung. You left
me alone and wondering and worried…not even a text or a call. Why?” I frowned
outwardly, but inside I celebrated the corners of his mouth turning downward. I
was so close…
“Fuck, Kookie…I didn’t realize…I’m so sorry. I wasn’t seeing it from your point
of view. It was foolish to think I could just…I’m an asshole and I’m sorry,
okay. I got caught up and when I’m with Yoongi…” he took a deep breath. “Now
that you’ve called attention to it, I can see how shitty I’ve been.”
Hearing him beat himself up was hard to take; I rushed to defend him. “You
haven’t been shitty, just overwhelmed. I understand that a lot is happening to
you all at once and that you lost your head. I get it. But now that you know
how this is affecting me, what this is doing to us, are you going to do
something about it?” I stared at him, watching the cogs turning in his brain.
He was so sweet and so loving that it was easy to lead him to what I wanted. My
conscience kicked in, begging me not to go through with it…but my heart won
out. I had to hold onto him no matter what. He was all I had left, my only
light. And though it was wrong to manipulate him, in the end it was worth it if
it let me stay by his side. The guilt I could live with; losing Tae…I couldn’t.
“The day I saved you from the street I gave you my word that I wouldn’t leave
you behind. That I would take care of you always. I feel so bad that I made you
feel that way and I don’t know if I can make it up to you. Whatever you want,
name it and it’s yours. I’ll do anything it takes to show you how important you
are to me.” Bingo.
“Anything?” I asked softly.
“Anything in my power to do or give. I don’t want you to ever doubt how much
you mean to me.”
“Okay.” I knew exactly what I wanted to ask for and he had already promised it;
there was no way he would back out of it. I hated being selfish, I hated
playing dirty…but it was the only way. “Min Yoongi—I don’t want you to see him
anymore.”
I watched his eyes go wide and his jaw drop. It would have been comical if the
circumstances weren’t so dire. “Wha-what?” he asked, looking as if my words
didn’t make sense. “But…I’m in…he’s…” He watch him desperately struggle for
words. “I don’t w-…”
I grabbed his hands, nearly crushing them due to my anxiety. “Not forever of
course, just not while we’re still here together.” He slowly recovered from the
shock and schooled his expression into a less dramatic one, but the panic was
there flashing in his eyes. “This is supposed to be our time and I feel like
I’ve been very understanding. I want you to myself, especially if…” I choked
up. I couldn’t continue, the words didn’t want to come out. Especially if you
don’t choose me. Especially if it’s the last time I’ll get to have you like
this. Especially if you’re leaving me. Especially if I have to say goodbye. “I
worked hard to save up enough to bring you on this trip, we have four days left
and all I want to do is enjoy it with you.”
“But…I…is this really necessary?” he choked out.
“For me, yes. But if that’s too hard on you, Tae…if you can’t bear to not see
him for just four days…”
He sighed, defeated and sad. “No, I can bear it. I survived ten years just fine
without him, four days should be nothing, right?” His voice was hollow and it
no longer seemed like he was talking to me. “Nothing…” He stared off somewhere
over my shoulder, brooding. “And Yoongi might seem gruff, but he’s very
understanding. It’ll be hard to tell him but I think he’ll see your side. But,”
he looked at me with wet, wild eyes. “It’s just…what about Eomma Yun?”
I bit my lip in concentration. “Your mom’s friend? I remember you mentioning
her before, but what does she have to do with anything?”
He sniffled. “She was more like her sister. And she’s…she’s also Yoongi’s
mother.” I gripped the duvet tightly, wanting nothing more than to rip it
apart. How dirty was Yoongi going to play to make sure that Tae chose him? He
even brought his mom into it? Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad now about
influencing Taehyung to shut him out. “She’s on her way from Korea to see me
and should be arriving really soon. It wasn’t just Yoongi looking for me, Eomma
Yun and Appa Seung Gi have been searching the entire time. When I say that we
were close, it’s not an exaggeration. We were…are family. She is my second
mom.”
“But she’s not your real mom,” I stated coldly. Taehyung grimaced and I
instantly regretted being so harsh.
"But...she’s the only one I have left. And when I talked to her yesterday I
said I would spend time with her. I didn’t even consider…shit, I’m sorry
Jungkook. I was just so excited to see her after so long. I missed her so much
and I guess I was a bit quick to make promises.” He peered at me, eyes still
glittering with unshed tears. “Am I not allowed to see her either?”
Though his sad puppy eyes and pout tugged at my heartstrings, I already knew I
couldn’t allow it. If he went to meet her, I’m sure Yoongi would conveniently
appear. There’s no telling what she would whisper in Tae’s ear so that her son
could get his happy ending. And where would that leave me? Out in the cold.
Alone. Without Tae. I didn’t want to even imagine it. It was too risky.
“Taehyung, I know how big it is for you to see her again after not being able
to for such a long time, but I feel like I have to be firm here. I don’t want
to be that emotional, demanding bitch…but spending time with her would be the
same as you being with Yoongi or anybody else.” I felt horrible watching him go
blank. “It steals away time that you and I are supposed to spend together. I’ve
already stated how that makes me feel and you just promised me that you would
do whatever it takes to make me feel better. I’m sorry and I feel like a dick,
but honestly I’m not okay with you meeting her.”
“Kookie. I…I-I understand. I’ll do what you want if it helps you feel more
secure. It’s the least I could do for you…I won’t meet them while we’re on
vacation.” His hands acted on reflex, grasping at the Taijitu pendant hanging
from his neck. He squeezed it tightly. I wanted to rip it from his neck and
flush it down the toilet. “It’s a reasonable request…you have my word.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…I promise. For the next four days it’s just me and you.”
He sounded so heartbroken that I instinctively rushed to comfort him.
“Tae…I—it’s not like I’m saying forever, okay? You understand why, right?”
Since when did winning feel so bad?
“Yeah…I…no, it’s okay. I get it, I promise I do. I don’t ever want you to feel
like that again.”
“Good. I’m glad you understand.” I hugged him tightly, relieved when he hugged
me back. “Now…when should we tell your hyung? I think sooner would be better so
that we could get back to focusing on us. And how should we do it?”
“Does video chat count as seeing him? A text is too impersonal and unfeeling.
By phone is just…it would feel wrong? Yoongi-hyung has been through a lot too
and I don’t want to hurt him. I need him to see me when I explain so that he
doesn’t misunderstand.”
“I think this is news that should be delivered face-to-face…”
He perked up then. “I agree, Kookie.”
“Okay, good.” I stood and stretched my legs. “I’ll be right back, then.”
“Huh? Where are you going?”
I bent down and kissed him fervently before meeting conflicted, though no less
beautiful, eyes. “I’m going to see Min Yoongi and tell him myself.”
“No.” He stood and grabbed my arm as I tried to leave. “That’s…it can’t be you
who tells him.”
“It has to be me because I won’t let it be you. You’ve said it yourself how
understanding I’ve been, now it’s your turn. This is something I have to do,
Taehyung.”
“Why? Will you…are you trying to hurt him?” he asked angrily, scowling at me.
He had never looked at me like that before and it caught me off guard. “You
have no idea…if you just let me talk to you—“
“No!” I could feel my anger building. He was worried about Yoongi being hurt
while I suffered right in front of him. I yanked my arm from his grip. “How
dare you, Tae…how dare you try to stop me for his sake when you’ve completely
disregarded my feelings this entire time! He’s hurting me, too! You both are!”
I shouted vehemently. His shocked eyes widened. “I don’t give a shit whether
he’s hurt or not when you are both making me feel like this! Can’t you see what
it’s doing to me? How it’s killing me? You said you loved me! You said you
wouldn’t see him!”
“Jungkookie…” he begged. “Please just hear me out. Yoongi has a men—“
I shook my head and put a finger to his trembling lips. “I don’t care about
him...not one bit.” I slowly removed my finger. I had one move left to play;
poor trusting Taehyung had already told me his weakness. “I’m walking out that
door either way, Tae. You decide: am I going to speak to Min Yoongi or am I
walking out of your life for good?”
He staggered, looking like he would faint. I caught him in my arms before he
could fall. I panicked thinking I had pushed him to far, but I had to make a
stand. I had to be strong enough to get us through this together. I had to hold
on to him any way I could, even if it meant hurting him a little. It was the
only way I could keep him.
“But you said you wouldn’t leave…you’re my best friend, Kookie. You said you’d
stay,” he whispered.
“I really want to, Taehyung. You get to decide if I do. Which one is it? Am I
talking to Yoongi and staying, or am I leaving?”
My heart shattered when I saw the loss, the sheer despair flooding his face.
“Stay…” he said in a broken voice. “Stay with me, please. I can’t…won’t lose
you, too.” Tears leaked from his mournful eyes. “Stay.”
I kissed his cheek and bolted to the door. I chanced a glance over my shoulder
and saw him standing in the same spot I left him, staring blankly and fixedly
at the floor. I told myself that I was doing this for us, but I couldn’t ignore
the pangs of regret in my chest.
I hurt him again, but it was too late to take it back. I left him there alone
and tortured on some alternate plane of existence. He had gone to that place
where he saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. This time I welcomed it; it
was for the greater good after all.
I would make it up to him eventually, but now I had to focus on Min Yoongi. I
couldn’t let him know how vulnerable I was; how affected I was. I knew enough
to go in with a show of strength; he had to know that I was a rival to be
feared, to be respected. I would convince him that I was unafraid and willing
to fight. Maybe that would get him to back off a bit. I steeled myself for the
upcoming confrontation, telling myself that it would all be worth it in the
end. If Tae and I left here together as a couple, it would have all been worth
it…
But the pangs grew stronger and those sorrowful, cold brown eyes haunted me as
I sped toward my enemy.
Chapter End Notes
     Taehyung is too caring and too easy to manipulate in this state.
     Yoongi's return has definitely weakened him. Jungkook...I'm pissed
     that he would stoop so low as to take advantage of Tae's issues. I
     hate that even though he does stupid things, I always seem to
     understand why he does them. Ugh... Why did I even write this shit? I
     miss the fluff damn it. The cuteness is too far away. Icd. :(
***** Revelation, Toleration, and Confrontation...Oh My! *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi interacts with three people in three very different ways.
Chapter Notes
     I'm putting this up as is, sorry lovelies that I didn't get to
     proofread or make changes. I'll come back to make changes when I can
     and explain, but I just wanted to get it up while i could...love you
     guys!!!
     EDIT: Omg it's like someone or something didn't want me to post this
     chapter, I swear lol. I think its because the universe is against
     Kookie getting...well, no spoilers.
     First, no power all day while maintenance tried to trace some faulty
     wiring. No Internet. RIP laptop, lol, can't use you. Then that stupid
     article about BTS not really winning at the BBMAs, so of course I was
     on Twitter all day and my phone died. Then two of my daughters had
     physical therapy appointments, had to go fill up the car and ended up
     waiting in line for almost an hour because of hurricane preppers.
     Ahhhhh!
     Good thing I brought my laptop along to their appointment, I used the
     free WiFi to upload the chapter, but there was no outlet to plug in.
     My old battery depleted so fast and the WiFi was SUPER slow! By the
     time the upload went through I only had 4% battery left.
     Then we got hit with a State of Emergency and I've been washing
     clothes and packing all night to prepare for evacuation to escape
     Hurricane Irma. It's been quite frustrating, but I had to get the
     chapter up no matter what.
     My process is free writing. I turn on music, close my eyes and just
     type... my daughters say it looks very scary hehehe. Its usually just
     pages upon pages of ideas and dialogue that I go through and shape
     into workable paragraphs later. Then before I upload, I read what's
     written aloud and make small changes to make it flow better.
     Sometimes it's changing the wording, adding/removing sentences, or
     rearranging paragraphs to get a better flow... I didn't get to do any
     of that. I feel so bad that I couldn't give a quality chapter. I'm so
     sorry my loves, I promise to do better.
     So, now I'm loading my car and I'll be leaving in a few hours. Maybe
     when I get to wherever I end up I can fix this chapter up a bit. I
     hope I don't drive too many of you away.
     If you're in the path of this storm, plz be safe. :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I should have been sad, but I wasn’t. In fact, I was downright giddy. I closed
my suite’s door and collapsed against it, cheeks stinging from the smile I had
carried the whole elevator ride up. I clutched my chest, rapidly beating heart
threatening to push through. My captivated mind hurled images at me, battering
me with so many remembrances of my short time with Kim Taehyung that I was
dizzy. I welcomed the mental barrage of not only every defining moment we’d
spent together, but also those diminutive details that would to most people
seem too bothersome to retain; but I firmly held on to them. I fixated on all
of it.
Boxy smiles, rosy cheeks, soft giggles, and squinty eyes danced in my brain and
I knew that I was unequivocally, undeniably heels over head—because head over
heels is too plain—in love with Kim Taehyung. And there was no doubt in my mind
now that he loved me just as much as I loved him. It felt so good to be
certain…to know it.
There was only one thing standing in the way of our happily ever after and it
wasn’t Jeon Jungkook, it was Kim Taehyung. His overly kind, excessively
forgiving, exaggeratedly compassionate nature was going to fuck us right out
our future. After hearing his story, absorbing everything he said about
Jungkook, and dissecting all of his words and actions I knew without doubt who
he would choose…it wasn’t me.
He wanted me, needed me, loved me unequivocally and I knew now that I was his
happiness; it only took looking at him to see that. But Tae, being the selfless
idiot he always has been, was going to put my happiness and Jungkook’s
happiness before his own. Jungkook was a mess that needed fixing and I was a
mess that could self-repair. He was going to pick the person he thought needed
him the most, and that was without question Jeon Jungkook. He wanted me but he
would choose Jungkook. It was a bittersweet victory, knowing that I was his
true choice but wouldn’t get to be with him.
I told him that I was going to be okay no matter who he chose, which was for
the most part true. As long as he promised to stay a part of my life I was
happy, but it was going to hurt so much to let go. All of our plans for the
future would go up in smoke and I wasn’t ready to lose him yet.
I could have lied to influence his decision, played on his sympathies a bit and
used my illness to soften him towards me, but it would have been a cheap way to
win him. I wanted him to choose me for me and he would do just that if he were
any normal self-serving human being. But he wasn’t. He was my Taehyungie and it
just wasn’t in him to put his needs and wants first. He was going to choose
whatever he thought would cause the least damage to all of us and he was
desperate for guidance, though he couldn’t ask me outright. So, I’d given him
an out by promising to stay by his side no matter his choice. I had no regrets.
I still had hope for us. I knew in my heart that Jungkook wasn’t right for him,
but it wasn’t something I could tell Tae; he was stubborn and loyal to a fault.
He would have to figure that part out on his own. And once he did, I would be
there waiting for him as always. We would finally get our chance then, but the
question was: how long would that take?
I walked over and plopped down on the sofa, smile still there but a bit
dampened. I dug my cell from my pocket and rang up Hoseok, who picked up before
the first ring could finish.
“Boss? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon. How are you?”
“Good, Hoseok. Better than I’ve been in a long time. Do you have the info on
those two names?”
“Some, the search continues, but I can send you the bits and pieces I’ve
collected so far. Should I do that?”
“Yes. ASAP. But I don’t think it’ll be necessary to investigate Kim Taehyung
any further…I’ve learned everything I need to know through my own efforts. But
continue digging on Jeon.”
“Sure thing, sir. On the business side of things, your presence has been
requested for a tech summit in Silicon Valley. They’re looking for sponsors and
investors.”
“Schedule it. Matter of fact, pack my calendar as tightly as possible. I have a
feeling my productivity is about to go way up.”
“Sir…are you sure you’re okay? Are you still mourning He-who-shall-not-be-
named?”
“No, not at all. Turns out I jumped to conclusions, rather, I was led to
believe something that wasn’t quite true. I’ve seen him twice since you and I
last spoke and he’s still…I’ve never been so happy. He and I…nothing has
changed on either side. We’re both as deeply in love as we’ve always been.”
“So in love that he hid from you for ten years.”
“He didn’t hide, he was forced into isolation.”
“Or so he says…I bet he’d say anything so that he could continue stringing you
along like this.”
My tiny smile melted right from my face. “Hoseok, I have the entire story
directly from the source. I’m only going to say this once, so listen carefully.
Talking negatively about Taehyung is off limits. I mean it.”
“I don’t understand your obsession with him, honestly Yoongs. Why should I have
to temper my words for his sake? After everything you’ve suffered because of
him, he is shit to me. The sooner you come around to my way of thinking, the
better off you’ll be. He is nothing, nobody…completely unworthy of your time
and attention.”
“To me he is everything, Hoseok. You have no idea what he’s been through and it
isn’t my story to tell, just trust me when I say that none of it was his fault.
He’s suffered far worse things than you can imagine so you have no right…” I
could feel myself getting incensed; I took a breath to calm myself. “Speaking
about Taehyung is out of bounds from this moment on. I would hate to lose a
valued employee and a good friend in one go, okay? Don’t push it.”
“Fine, but are you absolutely certain you can trust the source?”
“Without question. And even if I couldn’t I saw the evidence with my own eyes…”
and suddenly the vision of a shivering Tae baring his scars to me popped into
my head. “I-I…saw it all for myself. So lay off or fuck off, I don’t care
which.”
“Yes, sir. But of course I have questions…as your closest friend I feel like
I’m entitled to ask. I need to know you’re going to be okay, that’s all.”
“As long as you don’t speak about things you don’t know or degrade him, I don’t
mind answering your questions.”
“Did you tell him about your illness?”
“Yes.” I chuckled thinking about Tae’s overreaction to me harming ‘his’ body.
“He was worried that I would repeat, naturally. But my illness doesn’t affect
how he feels about me. In fact, he said that I am brave and that he’s proud of
me. He’s…aish, he’s such a sweetheart.” I grinned.
“Ugh. Gross.” He was quiet for a bit. “The misunderstanding…how did that come
about?”
“He came on vacation with someone really close to him. We met and the
circumstances were…unusual. His friend thought I was a stranger and intimated
that they were dating when they weren’t. But it’s all been settled.”
“So they’re weren’t dating? He’s single?”
“It’s complicated. It’s best to just leave this part alone because I can’t
really explain it. Just know that Taehyung has been completely open and honest
with me about his feelings for both me and Jungkook. I’m not flying blind here,
I know everything. The last thing he wants to do is hurt me. You don’t have to
worry about that.”
“Did you tell your parents?”
“Eomma is on her way here to see him as we speak. Actually, she should be here
within the hour. We did a video chat, the three of us, and she’s just as happy
as I am. And I’m sure she called Dad to tell him the news right after she spoke
with us.”
“Wow. Oh…cool. It’s cool that they’re so accepting of this.”
“It’s beyond ‘accepting’. They want ‘me and Tae’ more than I do myself.” I
giggled into the phone. “Fuck, I’m giggling like a dumbass school girl.”
It was quiet. There was a heavy, uncomfortable silence before he asked, “You
two…are you guys together now? A couple?”
“Ah, it’s complicated. I have no idea how to explain it to you other than we
love each other more now than ever. And knowing that is enough. Knowing that
comforts me.” I laughed happily. “I can’t stop smiling, Hoseok. Me…smiling. I’m
so open and carefree…that weight that I’ve been carrying all these years is
just gone. Gone! And it’s all because of him. He just makes me feel so good,
better than any drug they’ve ever given me. I’m laughing and joking and being
cheesy and romantic. Can you imagine?”
“Actually, I can…I have.” There was an awkward pause as sadness flowed through
my phone. “I’ve been dreaming about it for years, haven’t I? It’s just a little
disappointing that it was so easy for him to waltz right in out of nowhere and
get all of this when I’ve been working so hard all of this time. I should be
grateful, right? As long as you’re happy and not hurting anymore I should be
okay, but I can’t help but feel cheated, hyung.”
With those words I realized that he was feeling more than just friendship
towards me. It was surprising to find that Tae’s jealousy may have been
justified, not that I would ever be interested in pursuing anything with anyone
besides him. But I had never known that Hoseok harbored feelings for me. I had
never paid attention. “I think…maybe you and I should have a long talk about
this when I get back.”
“I think we should too,” he replied seriously.
“I didn’t know.”
“How could you? You’ve been preoccupied with him the whole time we’ve known
each other.”
“And…I’m sorry that you’re hurt by this. But I can’t apologize about being
happy with Taehyung. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and I never hinted or suggested
anything between—“
“I know, Yoongi. It’s…I’m okay. It’s my own fault for developing feelings. You
didn’t lead me on or anything, I just fell.”
I sighed deeply. “I know I haven’t been as good of a friend to you as you’ve
been to me. But when I get home we’ll make things right between us, okay?”
“Okay.” His tone brightened and I could hear the smile in his voice. This was
worrisome…I didn’t know whether I had effectively shut him down or not. But I
didn’t get the opportunity to ask. “Back to business, then? So, there’s an
upcoming meeting with the board of directors, you should probably be here for
that.”
“When is it?”
“Day after tomorrow, 2 p.m.”
“Shit…I can’t afford to miss it. I’ll fly back late tonight so I can rest well
before the meeting. Schedule me an appointment with my therapist tomorrow
morning and with the PIs later that afternoon. I expect some progress on Jeon
Jungkook.” I worried a bit over whether or not he got the message earlier;
whether he knew that there was no chance in hell of me ever returning his
feelings. Maybe face-to-face was the best tactic so that I could be sure he
understood…and in a public place. “Hoseok, would you like to have dinner with
me tomorrow night…so we can talk things through?”
“I’d love to,” he countered quickly.
Damn it, he sounded a bit too enthusiastic. I had no idea how to handle this
situation. If it were anyone else, it would be easy enough. A quick, ‘Fuck off,
not remotely interested’ would work. But this was Hoseok, my best friend. He
had gone through hell with me and it would be in poor taste to be so cold. I
was stumped, but at least I still had a day to think things through; I had time
to strategize. “Good. What else is on my calendar?”
“Well…” He droned on and on about business while thoughts of Taehyung’s eyes
and lips plagued me. His voice, his touches, his smell…
                                     *****
I sat in bed with the black-out curtains drawn, too wired to sleep but too lazy
to do anything. My laptop was open, but I couldn’t get Taehyung off of my mind.
After finishing up all of my business shit, I found my thoughts wandering back
to him and our time together. I missed him terribly. I wanted to see him, or
even hear his voice. Just for a second. And stupid me, I hadn’t even thought to
maybe snap a picture or take video; too caught up in making memories to think
about recording them. I missed him like crazy! So I sat there in bed, cursing
my stupidity, poring over the information sent by Hoseok, and learning lots
about the third son from a mistress, Jeon Jungkook.
It was very interesting to find out that his brothers, Bogum and Jimin were
also searching for him. Tae told me about how Jungkook’s family disowned him
after he came out to them; why after four years were they trying so hard to
reconnect? I stored that information in my mental vault…it was odd considering
everything Taehyung told me. I would definitely have to look into it to make
sure there was no blowback coming Tae’s way.
Taehyung…I really missed him.
I picked up my phone to send him a quick text, just to let him know he was on
my mind when it rang in my hands. I got excited thinking maybe he had the same
thought I did; maybe he missed me just as much as I missed him. Or maybe he
wanted to tell me how his talk with Jungkook went. My excitement ebbed as soon
as I saw my mother’s face on the screen. I rolled my eyes and cursed at the
screen; she was yet another competitor for Tae’s time and attention. Why did he
have to be so fucking lovable?”
“I’ve taken my meds, I slept very well last night, and I ate real fucking food.
So, why are you calling me so early, hag? Are you calling to nag me?” I asked
grinning.
“You think I really called for you? You’re delulu, Yoongs.”
“Who do you think you’re fooling? I know you’re doing your daily check in. You
don’t have to worry, I did everything I’m supposed to do and then some.” I
smirked evilly even though I knew she couldn’t see it. “Taehyung was very
effective at helping me to relieve stress. Very helpful.”
“First…ugh, I’m still your mom. I don’t want to hear that. B, AHHHHHHHHH! I
want to know every single detail. And three, stress relief, eh? Yah! You’re a
true pervert, you know that right? Taking advantage of a precious, thing like
my baby Tae.”
“It wasn’t me who was taking advantage, trust me Eomma.”
“Really? You’re going to place the blame all on my little sunflower? Like he
would do anything untoward…he’s too much of a sweetheart.”
“You’ve always been too blind to see that Tae is a fucking Cassanova.”
“Cassanova? More like a Teletubby.”
I frowned. “Why would you put that image in my brain? That’s such a shitty
thing to do, Eomma. I lowkey hate you right now.”
“Ugh, disrespectful brat. The feeling is extremely mutual. Why are you such an
ass?” She sighed dramatic, really and loudly. “I must’ve done something really
shitty in my past life to get you as a son. Why did you answer if you saw it
was me anyway? You should have let my ‘true’ son pick up. Where is my Tae-baby?
Put him on.”
“He’s not here, he has his own room you stalker. And he’s not in Vegas alone so
you can’t monopolize his time when you get here.”
“Whatever, Yoongi. You can’t control a force of nature, idiot. You should know
that.” I laughed. “When is he coming back? I want to tell him that I’ve landed
and I’ll be there in like half an hour...maybe a little bit more than that.”
“He had something to take care of. But he said he would meet you as soon as you
get here. Hurry the hell up because I miss him already and want to see him too.
The sooner you get here, the sooner we can have him all to ourselves…if I let
you take a turn.”
“You pushy runt, don’t rush me. And who invited you? Tae said it would be just
me and him. No third wheeling for you, Yoongs.” She laughed loudly. “But
seriously…
you guys are okay, right?”
“Better than okay. We cleared up a lot of things and I told him about
everything. About the depression and the suicide attempts. He said he admired
me for being brave enough to live. He said it made him love me more.”
“AAHHHHHHH! Love, Yoongi? Seriously, don’t play with me. I’m an old bat and I
don’t know if my heart can take it.”
“Old? You’re just hitting your stride, Eomma. But really, nothing has changed
for us. We’re still the same Taehyung and Yoongi. Our friendship is still
intact, stronger than it’s ever been.”
“Friendship?” I heard her deflate. “Your friendship…emphasis on the friend. She
let out a string of quiet expletives. “Shit, Yoongi. I’m sorry. I was so sure
you guys would…I just thought--”
“No, it’s nothing to be sorry about. We want to be together but there are
extenuating circumstances. He’s kinda sorta dating someone…well, not
dating…living together. As friends. Friends who kiss and go on trips to Las
Vegas together. Friends who’ve been through some pretty terrifying shit
together and it makes it harder to let go.”
“Fuck.”
“I know. But once you hear the story you’ll understand why they’re together.
You might even feel a bit sorry for the guy who stole him away, I know I do. I
have a lot to fill you in on, Eomma.” I choked up. “It was bad for Tae. Really
bad. Worse than the horrors we thought up. I think Tae would be okay with me
telling you and Appa his part since he still considers you family. But we’ll
talk more about it when you get here.”
“Okay.” She hesitated. “Are you alright? Honestly?”
“I am. I’m just happy to be able to meet him again. We’ve decided that even if
we don’t have a romantic relationship, we’re going to stay by each other’s
side. We exchanged information so bullshit like this doesn’t happen again. I
even have his cousins’ information just in case. I’m not going to lose him
again.”
“Good. Could you text him and let him know I’m on my way? Maybe he’ll come down
early and you guys could get some alone time.”
“He’s busy talking to the other guy now, filling him in.”
“Oh. His thing with this guy…is it serious?”
“It’s nothing like what he has with me.”
“So what’s standing in the way?
“Tae…” Loud ringing from the suite’s phone interrupted before I could answer.
“Eomma, gotta go. We’ll talk more when you get here. Get here safely, okay?”
“Sentimental bastard…I knew you loved me.”
“Fuck off, Eomma.” I said, shaking my head and smiling.
“Not until you fuck off first…see you soon, Yoongi.”
We hung up and I ran to get to the phone. “Yes.”
“Sorry to disturb you sir, but there is a Jeon Jungkook here at the front desk
demanding to come up.”
“Ah…um, yeah. Send him up.”
“Yes, sir.”
I hung up, confused about how to feel. This confrontation was
necessary…essential. I wanted to talk to him without Tae there to keep me in
check. I would always be indebted to the boy because of what he had done for
Tae. He was there to protect the only person who ever mattered to me when I
couldn’t be, so I would always be grateful. But he was a fucktard. He had hurt
Tae both emotionally and physically…he was going to have to answer for that.
I couldn’t stand still. I paced back and forth clenching and unclenching my
fists. I told myself I only wanted to talk to him. I hated what he did, not who
he was. I resolved to speak to him, use my words instead of my fists this time.
A few minutes later, my doorbell rang.
I took deep calming breaths as I walked to door. I would only talk to him. I
would use my words. I opened the door…
“Jeon Jungkook.” I stepped aside and welcomed him in, the whole time quivering
as every cell in my body screamed at me to murder the little prick.
“Min Yoongi-ssi.”
He walked in, an air of haughtiness surrounding him. I told myself not to smack
him, not to rip his stupid fucking head from his shoulders. “Would you like to
sit?”
He waved me off. “I won’t be long. I just came to tell you that Kim Taehyung is
off limits to you for the next few days.”
“Off limits?” I raised an eyebrow. “Who in the hell are you to tell me who I
can and cannot see? Who are you to tell him who he can and cannot see?”
“I’m his boyfriend.”
“Pseudo-boyfriend. Quasi-boyfriend. Almost-boyfriend. Tae made it very clear
that you two were not a couple. And even if you were together, both he and I
can see whomever in the hell we want.”
“After everything that has happened in the last few days, we’ve decided that we
need time alone to figure out where we’re going. I brought him here to spend
time alone…to strengthen our relationship but it all went to shit when you
showed up. He’s giving me a chance to make things right with him and your
interference only complicates things. So, we’ve decided to spend the last four
days of our trip together…exclusively. ”
I scoffed. “You keep saying ‘we’ve decided’ but I know it’s bullshit. We were
just together, asshole. He was falling apart at the idea of leaving my side. He
gripped my shirt so hard…” I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to get a
hold of my anger. Bunnyman couldn’t be telling the truth, not when Taehyung
told me himself that he didn’t want to let me go. “There’s no way in hell he
wants this. You’re a fucking liar!”
He shrugged. “Why does it matter who decided? The point is that Tae agrees and
he has given me his word that he won’t have contact with you until after our
vacation is over. That’s why I’m here instead of him.”
“No contact?” My brain rejected the idea and my heart refused to even consider
those words. “You little shit.” Letting him go romantically was one thing, but
cutting off all contact was just unfathomable, not when I had gotten a taste of
what life was like with him in it. This was utter bullshit. I had just found
him and now this child wanted to keep him from me. I pushed my bangs back in
anger, highly irritated at this point. I also thought of my mother who would be
arriving at any moment. “But, Taehyung is supposed to come up soon to meet my
mother.”
“Sorry to inform you that he won’t be coming.”
“Their closeness is…he cried yesterday because he was so happy to talk to her.
They’ve been separated for far too long already, why would you do this?” I
couldn’t wrap my head around his actions. “Don’t you see that you’re hurting
him more? Do you even know how much meeting her means to him?”
“Apparently, I mean more to him than meeting her does,” the smug bastard
replied, crossing his arms across his chest. “This is supposed to be our trip,
our time. I don’t give a damn how long you two have been apart or how long it’s
been since he’s seen her. He’s here with me. I refuse to sacrifice anymore of
my time with him for you or anyone else.”
“You’re a selfish prick.” I was on the verge of snapping. As much as I didn’t
want to resort to violence, the jerk was asking for it. And the worst part was
that I almost felt sorry for him. He didn’t even appreciate how big of a deal
this was, didn’t recognize the magnitude of Taehyung choosing to placate him
instead of meeting with his family. His jealousy warped his tiny little mind
and he couldn’t see the situation for what is was; Jungkook had initiated a
one-sided and unnecessary battle and it was only going to do him more harm than
good. “I can’t believe you claim to love him. If you really cared about him you
wouldn’t do this. He gave his word that he would be here and Tae always keeps
his promises.”
He scoffed, smirking at me. “You and I both know that if that were really true,
he and I wouldn’t even be here. His promises to you hold no weight, not
anymore…if they ever did.”
What happened next was all his fault. I tried my hardest to maintain my shit,
but he had pushed and pushed…I had no choice but to push back. I saw white as a
spike of rage tore through me, ripping me asunder. His eyes were still widening
when I pounced…socking his arrogant ass directly on his left cheek. He stumbled
backwards a few steps, but didn’t fall. I was mildly impressed, but still
outraged. His eyes went dark as he adjusted his jaw to see if there was any
damage. “That was for what you did to his face!” Then he stood there glowering
at me, as if he could intimidate me. He wasted his time because I didn’t scare
easily. I merely scowled back before lunging again.
I connected with a hard punch to his gut, but the asshole tensed his abs and it
didn’t do much. He did however land a kidney punch that hurt like a
sonafabitch. I parried with a nice jab and hit the same jaw I hit earlier, and
followed up with a strong uppercut. I was still grinning from hearing his teeth
clink together when the bastard got me in my nose. It was nowhere near as hard
as Taehyung’s punch from the other night, but since it was already injured he
drew blood. That pissed me off.
He was a pretty good fighter, but no real match for me. He had strength and he
had weight but no technique, no footwork, no speed. Mostly he lumbered around
throwing powerful but wild punches that really did no damage. When I grew tired
of dodging him I swept his knee and tackled him while he was off balance,
driving his huge body into the floor. I heard the loud smack his head made as
it rapped off of the floor and inwardly cheered at my excellent takedown. I
smiled sadistically, delighted to have to an opportunity to show this punk
exactly how I protected Tae, how I took care of the most precious person in my
world.
I scrambled on top of him and straddled his abdomen, pinning his hands
underneath my knees so he couldn’t fight back. Unfocused, glassy eyes stared
upward, but couldn’t find the target they sought; he was clearly disoriented.
It didn’t stop me from punching him with as much force as I could muster right
in his nose. He cried out in pain as the hit landed and I relished the sight of
crimson spurting from his injury, cherished the warmth of it on my knuckles;
blood for blood. Tears leaked from his eyes as I let his hands free; he pawed
at his nose, cupping it on reflex. I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and
jerked him up to meet me; we were were close our noses almost touched. I didn’t
want to leave him with any doubt about my sincerity.
“For making him cry, for making him suffer, for hurting him and hitting him…for
touching my Taehyungie…” I yelled. “I won’t ever forgive you! The only reason
I’m going to let you leave this suite on your own two legs is because it would
hurt him if I hurt you. Let me make things really clear for you. You saved him
once…once! I’ve been taking care of him for almost his whole fucking life.” I
shook him a bit, snarling through clenched teeth. “Don’t think that the one
good thing you’ve ever done in your pathetic, sad ass life gives you some sort
of pass to do as you please. You don’t get points with me for doing the right
thing. This bullshit about him not being able to see me, it doesn’t fucking
fly. He will see me whenever he wants. He will meet Eomma whenever he wants.
And if I get word that you in some way guilted him or forced him to go along
with what you want…I’m going to fucking murder you. And that’s not a euphemism,
it’s not a veiled threat. I’m not one who says shit just to say it; if I say
I’m going to kill you, I’m honestly going to fucking kill you. Do you
understand?”
He only stared at me in disgust.
“Do you fucking understand me?!?”
“Why is it you?” He asked angrily, tears still spilling from his eyes. “After
everything I’ve done…all the times I’ve proven my love…two years, two fucking
years and it only takes you two days to ruin it all. Who in the fuck do you
think you are to come out of nowhere and steal him from me? Why couldn’t you
stay hidden for just a little bit longer? Why did you have to choose now to
show up? Why? He was going to accept my ring, he was going to be with me. Why
couldn’t you just stay the hell away?”
My grip loosened in astonishment and he fell back to the floor, sobbing. An
angry, asshole Jungkook was easy to handle, but a vulnerable, weeping Jungkook
was beyond my realm of understanding. I didn’t know what to say or do…I froze.
He laid there crying it out.
“I love him. I love him so much…he’s my whole world, my life. He’s everything I
want and all I need, but you won’t let me have him. You had your chance and
blew it, so why do you get to steal my shot away? Why can’t I have my chance?
How are you so lucky that you get two?”
“You think I don’t know how lucky I am?” I yelled out. “You’ve only given him
two of your years, I’ve given him twenty-five! I’ve been devoted to him from
the moment he was born and you want to whine about two measly years!” I angrily
climbed off of him, putting distance between us. “Do you think it’s easy for
me? To see the person I’ve loved my whole life kissing someone else, loving
someone else when he promised it all to me? Only to me! Do you think it’s easy
for me to always put him first, to cast my own feelings aside? To bury my rage
and hide my disappointment? To swallow my tears and put on a brave face for his
sake? Do you think you own the lease on pain in our situation? You aren’t the
only person suffering here! You have no fucking idea how much this hurts…not
just for me, but for him too.”
Pure hatred filled his face as he sat up. “It so easy for you. With your money,
your looks….your EVERYTHING! Who would look twice at me if I’m standing next to
you? I’m shit…I’m NOTHING!” His head fell into his palms. “And then you have
this history, this connection that I’ll never be able to match. He loves you so
much that he’s waited ten years for you…how could I ever compete?”
He was such a whiny asshole; I could feel my anger increasing. “You would think
that were enough, right? I have more money than I could spend in ten lifetimes,
fine. I can give him anything he wants or needs, even though he has more than
enough to provide for himself. And nothing can erase the bond we’ve built, yes,
it’s there and it’s stronger than it’s ever been. He loves me…there’s no
questioning that, he really and truly loves me. He wants me.”
Jungkook looked up from his hands and it looked like he was on the verge of a
breakdown. His eyes were wild and wet, his mouth set in a grimace. “You think I
don’t know that? You think I can’t see it? The way he looks at you, the way he
smiles at you…I don’t need you to remind me how he feels about you when it’s so
fucking blatant. His love for you wafts off of him in waves and I’m the one
who’s choking on it. I’m fucking dying and it’s all your fault.”
I rolled my eyes. “He loves me so much that you saw it, yet he went back to
you. He walked right into your arms and went back to you.” He shook his head as
if he didn’t understand. “Do you know how it felt to be so happy when he
arrived for our date, our first fucking date, only to find that he had cried
all the way there over something you did? Do you know what it felt like to go
out of my way to romance him but his every thought was on you? Do you know what
it felt like to have to comfort him and tell him that it’s okay that he loves
you when I’ve been saving myself for him the entire time? Do you know how it
felt to hear him say that he doesn’t see a future without you in it?” I wanted
to punch him again. “You don’t know shit, Jungkook!”
Jungkook drowned in perplexity. “He said…is that true?”
I sneered at him. “You really don’t deserve him, you know? All the bullshit you
keep pulling, hurting him when you say you love him…it’s annoying. You’re
fucking annoying! You’re like that stupid loose eyelash that gets stuck
underneath my eyelid; it burns and it irritates and even though I can’t see it,
I know it’s there. And I want nothing more than to get it the fuck out, but I
can’t. So I’ll just have to suck it up and suffer with it. You are a fucking
loose eyelash. And he cares about a stupid ass eyelash more than he cares about
me.”
“He…that’s not true. He left me alone.”
I countered, “Didn’t he come back?”
He nodded slowly, tearfully.
“That should be proof enough. You’re walking around here in a funk like
something has been taken from you, but he was mine first. You are the one who
is interfering in a relationship; you’re the third party here. You have no
right to come up here and tell me that I can’t see what’s mine. You have no
right to come up here and tell me that he can’t be with his family when we’re
all he’s got left.”
“But…” he paused to get his tears under control. “I’m his family, too. I’ve
been taking care of him, keeping him safe…”
“Is that what you call this? Isolating him, manipulating him, and trying to
control him? Hitting him and hurting him when things don’t go your way. How in
the hell is that protecting him? It seems to me like you’re behaving more and
more like his Grandfather.”
His mouth fell open in shock. “No…that’s not it at all.”
“That’s exactly it. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can cut this
bullshit out!”
“Shit…I’m doing it again, right? I mean, I already knew it but I thought…if
it’s for him, it’s worth it isn’t it? For the greater good.” He sat there
staring at his shaking hands, finally recognizing his mistake. “I’m fucking up
again and hurting him.” He screamed out in frustration. “Shit, what have I
done?”
“Wow, you finally get it. Took you long enough, asshole.”
“Oh…aw, Tae. Shit…” his eyes were faraway. “I did that to you. Fuck, I’m so
sorry baby.” He tried to stand, but his eyes rolled back he fell right back to
the floor. “I have to go to him.” He looked up at me pleadingly. “Please.”
“You’re too out of it to make it on your own. And I’m too pissed to give a
fuck.”
“But, Tae…he’s…I hurt him. I hurt him bad this time.”
“I’m glad you see that. Now you can stop pinning blame on me to justify the
stupid shit you do. If Tae doesn’t choose you it’ll be your own fault, not
mine. So, stop being a fucking idiot. Taehyung loves you, why, I have no idea.
But what you’re doing right now, the way you’re acting is a surefire way to
guarantee he stops. Are you a man or are you a boy?” He stared stupidly up at
me. “Which is it!?!”
“A man,” he mumbled.
“Then fucking act like it. Stop behaving like some child who doesn’t want
someone else to play with his toy. Newsflash fuckface: Taehyung is not a
possession. Cutting him off from the people he loves is not something a man who
loves him would do. He’s chosen…” I almost choked on the words. “…he won’t pick
you if you keep this up!” I yelled at him.
His eyes went wide, his face frozen in disbelief. “Min Yoongi…”
“Aish…you’re such an idiot.” I helped him to his feet, bracing him with my body
to keep him steady. His head must’ve really taken a hit. “Stupid.” I walked to
the kitchen and put a few chunks of ice in a towel, wet it, and brought it to
the boy. “Put that on your nose, it’ll keep it from swelling. Luckily, it
doesn’t seem to be broken. He stood there awkwardly with the makeshift ice pack
on his nose staring at me like he wanted to ask why I was doing this. “For
him,” I said gruffly in response to his unasked question. “Anything for him.”
“Can I sit?” he asked warily, wobbling dangerously. “Just until the room stops
spinning.”
“We should both sit.” I helped him to the sofa and sat him down carefully
before plopping down next to him. The awkwardness of the moment washed over me
and I felt nauseous. The silence was heavy, but at least my heart was lighter.
Jungkook didn’t know it, but he had helped me work through some of my own shit
about our situation. All of the things I wanted to yell at Taehyung but
couldn’t, I let it out to Jungkook; I’m sure he had done the same thing. And
though I was still angry at him, I couldn’t help but feel some camaraderie
towards him. After all, we were going through this together, we were in the
same position. No one else in the world knew how I felt, no one but my enemy.
“Does it hurt much?”
“Like a son of a bitch. I wasn’t expecting you to be such a vicious fighter,
but I’m wrong a lot.” He laughed softly and sadly to himself. “You’re pretty
good.”
“Pretty good? I even taught a marshmallow like Tae how to fight.”
“Ah…no wonder he was so effective that night.” He smiled wistfully,
reminiscing. “Did he tell you how we met.?”
“He told me everything.”
“Ah….” he sighed. “He wanted to tell me about you too. But I wasn’t ready to
hear it. Maybe…I should have listened to him.” He looked over at me, eyes still
shining but a little dazed. “I think this ass whipping was a wake-up call, I’m
seeing things much clearer.” I harrumphed, looking away from him. “I’m sorry
about the way I came in here. I just wanted to show you that I was confident
and strong and that I wasn’t afraid of you. I wanted you to think of me as an
equal. Instead I was…”
“A dumbfuck. An asshole. A nimrod. Arrogant. Disrespectful. Childish…”
“All of those things. I can’t seem to stop fucking up, can I? I keep making
mistakes and hurting him when all I want to do is love him. Shit, why can’t I
get this right?”
“I don’t know and I really don’t give a fuck one way or the other. All I care
about is Tae and how your fuckups affect him. You should go and talk to him.
He’s probably down there falling apart right now because of you. He didn’t even
call or text to warn me you were on your way up here, which means that you said
something to make
him feel really shitty about contacting me. I would kick your ass again, but
making sure Tae is alright comes first.”
“I have to hurry to him…the way I left him…I’ll go as soon as the ringing
stops.” He attempted to stand, but groaned miserably as he fell back onto the
cushions. “I feel like I was hit with hammers instead of fists.”
I chuckled darkly. “I would apologize, but you deserved everything you got.” He
nodded his head carefully in agreement. “Look, you don’t have to force him to
stay away from me. I’m leaving for home tonight anyway, so you’ll get your time
alone. But I’m warning you, don’t try to keep Eomma away from him. She loves
Taehyung like her own son, more than her son actually, and she would probably
kill you to get to him. She’s a million times scarier and smarter than I am, so
I wouldn’t poke that bear if I were you. You will definitely die.” I tried to
smile but it was more of a half-grimace.
He removed the ice pack to stare at my smile attempt; he couldn’t contain a
giggle. The nerve of this bastard, to actually giggle in front of me when I
wanted nothing more than to hate him…to kick his ass again. Eyes tightly shut,
nose scrunched up and that stupid, cute bunny smile…he looked like a kid. I
couldn’t believe this was the same arrogant, musclebound asshole who had burst
into my suite making demands. Once he realized that I was staring he composed
himself. “Sorry.”
“You should know that Taehyung has marked himself as some kind of martyr,” I
said seriously. “He’ll let himself suffer and die if it’ll help you in the
slightest or make you happier. It’s your job not to let him no matter what.” He
inclined his head slightly in affirmation. “Also, learn how to control your
anger. Stop making shit decisions. Put him before yourself. Do those things the
two of you will be alright.”
His mouth fell open. “It almost sounds like you’re giving me your blessing or
something.” He stared at me in amazement. “Yoongi-ssi, does this mean…?”
“It doesn’t mean anything, brat, I’m not giving up on him. I still love him
more than anything and I still want to be with him. I’m still hoping that he
picks me over you. But if he chooses you I need to know that you’ll keep him
safe and take care of him. He’s…he’s my world.”
“Mine too.” He bit his lip. “I need him so much…” I saw the desperation, heard
it in his voice. Thinking about his actions before and seeing him now, knowing
his story, I understood Tae’s motivation to choose him. Jungkook was flailing,
he was still lost; Tae had somehow become his compass, his haven. In choosing
Jungkook Tae would get to keep us both; he would get the two people he loved
most at his side. It was guaranteed. Choosing me was a gamble he couldn’t risk.
Not if it meant Jungkook would break. Not if he might lose him for good. “I
think I really fucked up this time. You might be rid of me yet.”
“I doubt it, especially since I told Tae that I would move you in if I had
to…if he chose me.” Jungkook stared at me like I had two heads. I merely
shrugged. “I told Taehyung that I would abide by his decision and that I
wouldn’t pressure him. If he chooses you, he and I are still going to be
friends. Really close friends because I need him just as much as you do. Don’t
try to get in between us, it’ll only cause trouble. It’s better if you accept
it…we’re stuck with each other no matter which way this goes.”
“Maybe not…” He looked down at his lap, fingers fidgeting. “I told him the
same, you know…that I would stay by his side as a friend if he chose you.” I
could almost smell the cowardice in his words before he spoke them. “But after
seeing you two together this morning, I think it would be too painful.” And I
knew then that Taehyung was definitely making the right decision. He was
probably scared to death that the kid would go back to his previous
lifestyle…now, so was I. “I can’t see him with anyone but me. And if he chooses
me, I would worry too much about you trying to steal him from me.”
“I don’t think you need to worry about that. Just go and make things right with
him before it’s too late.” I picked up the towel and helped wipe the bloody
mess from his face. “Tell him to call me after you guys talk so that I can tell
him that I’m leaving. This is your chance to show him how much you really love
him. Don’t fuck it up, kid.”
“This has got to be the weirdest fucking morning of my life, but thanks Min
Yoongi-ssi.”
“Might as well call me hyung. I have a feeling we’ll see each other a lot.”
Jungkook smiled uncertainly at me and I’ll admit, I had to fight the urge to
smile back. He wasn’t such a bad kid, just impulsive…the jerk. “Sure, hyung.”
He stood, still wobbling a bit. “See you around.”
“See you around, idiot.” I waited until I heard the door shut before I let my
tears go. I cried for Taehyung because he had to give up what he wanted to
protect someone else. And I cried for Jungkook because life had fucked him over
so bad that he was still fighting his way to okay. And I cried for myself
because I was going to lose the one person I’d ever wanted, the one thing I
couldn’t live without…and I had no choice but to be okay with it. Being okay
with it didn’t make it hurt any less though. So I wept.
Jungkook was my rival, yet I could see myself liking him...one day. He was
brave, strong, and he loved Taehyung fiercely. He was nowhere as good a match
as I was with Tae…he would never be that. But once he got his shit together he
would be an okay match, a good protector. He could finally give Taehyung the
happiness he deserved. And since Tae was my happiness, I would finally get
mine. We were all going to be okay. I smiled through my tears.
As I walked to the bathroom to clean myself up, I let my mind drift over the
last 18 hours; damn it I really should have taken pictures or videos. I
recalled our time together, poring over every minute detail as I cleaned the
blood from my knuckles and my face. My heart fluttered crazily as I made my way
back to the bed and sat patiently awaiting Tae’s call. I missed him so much
already. All I wanted was to see his face, to hug him again, to kiss his pretty
lips. To hear him tell me again that I was it for him. Even though I knew I
shouldn’t now, even though I had to let him go, I still wanted him. I gripped
the phone tightly in my hand and stared at it, waiting for the screen to light
up. I waited and I wanted, smiling at the thought of my angelic love…my love
who was no longer mine.
My doorbell sounded again. I slipped my phone into my pocket hurried to answer
thinking my mother had made it a bit earlier; one of her bone crushing hugs was
just what I needed. I opened the door and a woozy Jungkook fell into my arms.
“What the fuck, Jeon?” I let his enormous frame lean against mine, wrapping his
arm around my shoulder and my arm around his midsection. “I thought you’d be
back with Tae by now.”
“I got a little woozy on the way to the elevator. I figured since we’ve hashed
things out you wouldn’t mind too much helping me back to the room. I think I
hit my head much harder than I thought.”
“Fuck.” I rolled my eyes. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”
“Nah, I don’t do hospitals. An ice pack will do me just fine and I won’t be
able to sleep for a few hours, but I need help getting downstairs first.
Getting to Tae…it’s more important.”
“Fine…ugh, how many times do I have to save your ass in a day anyway?”
“You’re a good hyung.”
“I fucking hate you.”
“You don’t…but I’ll let you pretend that you do if it makes you feel better.”
“Brat.” I hauled him down the hallway and towards the elevator.
                                     *****
“801?” He nodded lethargically. “Tae’s in there, right? Should I just knock
or—“ He pulled a key from his pocket and handed it over. I opened the door and
led him into the small room. My heart did a quick somersault as soon I saw Tae
standing in the middle of the room. I practically dragged Jungkook over to him.
“Tae,” I breathed, a gummy grin spreading across my face. He didn’t acknowledge
me. His eyes were trained on something distant and unseen; other than the
nearly unnoticeable trembling, he did not move. “Tae?” I let go of Jungkook,
not caring whether he stayed upright or not, and hurried over to Taehyung.
“Tae? Love?” He didn’t respond. I grabbed his face, peering into vacant eyes. I
took him in my arms and squeezed him. “Baby…it’s me. It’s hyung. Answer me!” He
didn’t respond. I reluctantly let him go and rounded on Jungkook. “What did you
do? What the fuck did you do?!?” I grabbed him by his shirt and shook him.
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” I yelled.
“I…this was how I left him. I told you…I hurt him really bad this time.” He
grabbed my hands and forced me to loosen my grip, then lumbered over to
Taehyung. “Baby…I’m sorry.” He wrapped his arms around Tae and started rocking
him back and forth, soothingly whispering into his ear. I merely stood there
with my mouth hanging open. “I didn’t realize what I was doing, I swear. I’m
so, so sorry Tae. Come back…please?” he begged. “I love you, I really really
love you, baby. Please come back. I’m sorry.”
I watched him comforting my Tae, caressing my Tae as I struggled to maintain my
shit. I was torn between ripping his bunny head from his giant body and kicking
him in his nuts. He was the cause of all of this in the first place, how dare
he even speak to him let alone touch him! I fought to keep my emotions in check
because the last thing I needed to do was haul off and kill the guy…in spite of
everything, Tae cared about the idiot. “This…is this what he does? He told me
about his time with his Grandfather.”
“Yeah. I just never expected…I never thought I would…” His voice broke and I
saw him sob into Tae’s shoulder. “I would never…not to him…” He steadily rocked
Taehyung as he cried. “You were right. I’m just like that bastard…just like his
grandfather.”
I fought down the urge to choke him. Compassion was what the jerk needed, not
pain; not more judgment. “It’s okay, I’m sure he knows that you wouldn’t hurt
him…not purposely.” I walked over and awkwardly patted his shoulder, wanting so
badly to rip his arm off and beat him with it. “He’ll be okay. He’s probably in
one of his fantasies, right?”
Jungkook nodded. “Right…fantasies about you I guess. It all makes sense
now...what he told me a while back. ‘Something he cherishes that helped him
survive’ is what he said.” I blushed scarlet as he kissed Tae’s cheek softly.
“It was you; it will never be me.” He sighed mournfully. “Let’s get him to the
bed.”
“Shouldn’t we take him to a hospital? I feel like you both would be better off
after some medical treatment.”
“He…his scars.”
“Ah,” I replied as if those words held some deep meaning or explanation; they
didn’t. My every instinct screamed at me to forcefully bring them both to a
doctor and have them checked out, but it would be hard to handle the two of
them at once. So I helped him carefully move Taehyung to the bed and settle him
in under the covers. “What now?”
“Usually I cuddle him, give him lots of skinship, and talk to him.” He climbed
onto the bed and pressed himself up close to Tae’s side. “Sometimes I
sing…there’s not much we can do but wait for him to come back.”
I passed a hand over the back of my neck in discomfort. I wanted to stay, I
didn’t want to leave his side; I wanted him to see my face first when he awoke.
But this was their space and I was intruding; I had to do the adult thing and
let him handle it. “Could you at least call me and let me know when he comes
to?”
“You’re leaving?” he asked, surprise coloring his words.
“I…I don’t want to step on your toes or anything. I would stay, but…”
“No buts. He would want you here…please, stay.” He looked up at me pleadingly.
“Please.”
“But…” I tried to think of some argument, some reason for me to not stay so
that they could have their moment. But I couldn’t leave Tae, not like this.
Besides, Jungkook looked like he was on the verge of bursting into tears again.
“Okay. I’ll stay.” I pulled out my phone and told an angry Hoseok to cancel
everything except the board meeting. Then I called Eomma to explain Tae’s
condition and ask for privacy; she grudgingly said she would wait and visit him
tomorrow instead. The entire time I talked on the phone, Jungkook murmured
sweet words to Taehyung while threading his fingers through those silky,
crimson locks. After hanging up I asked, “Should I grab a chair or something?”
“Nah, just climb in. It’s a king.” He never stopped his ministrations, but took
a moment to look up at me. “Unless it would make you uncomfortable. But I
think…I know it would help if you were close to him. He needs you.”
“Oh…okay.” I slid out of my shoes climbed in with no hesitation. For Taehyung I
was willing to do anything. I propped myself up on an elbow and slipped a hand
underneath the covers to grab one of his, squeezing it tightly. Taehyung stared
up at the ceiling lost in his own world, unblinking and unseeing. It was a sad
sight to see. "This...it physically hurts to see him like this." I glared at
the kid. "I'm really trying not to hate you, but you make it really hard,
Jungkook."
"I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in my life. Maybe not in those
exact words, but the sentiment is the same." Jungkook mirrored my position and
stared at me. I could see the torment, the guilt in his eyes. I didn’t want to
but I felt sorry for him. It was obvious he loved Taehyung, unquestionable
actually. Hurting the person he loved most had to be eating him up on the
inside and as much as I believed he deserved every bit of that pain, I still
pitied him. “He tried to tell me about you, but I didn’t listen. I should’ve
listened.”
“You should’ve.” I snapped. “But it’s too late, isn’t it?”
“Could you…will you tell me instead?”
I rolled my eyes. “What do you want to know?”
“All of it…from the beginning.”
“That’ll take forever.”
He gestured towards Taehyung and deadpanned. “It’s not like I have somewhere
else to be.”
I bit my lip and looked at my catatonic lover. This was the strangest
experience I had ever had in my life. Lying in bed with the man I love and the
man he loved, about to recount all my most cherished memories…oddly enough, I
laughed. I looked over at Jungkook and he wore an equally awkward grin. “I
don’t remember our first meeting, it happened shortly after he was born,” I
started gruffly. “I was only two. My first real memory of him is that day in
the bathroom when I was five and he was three…a New Year’s Eve party.” I
chuckled at the memory. “It was something plain, mundane even, that led me to
him.” I smiled at Jungkook. “I had to pee.” He laughed. “I rushed into a
bathroom and there’s this tiny kid in there. There’s toilet paper all over the
place and the kid is using a bidet to shoot water up into the air…the entire
floor is soaked.”
“What?” Amusement leaked into his grin. “Really?”
“Yeah, the idiot said he wanted to make it snow and rain at the same time so he
completely wrecked the bathroom. I knew he was going to be in big trouble and
wanted no part of it, but seeing him playing in that water when I knew what it
was used for really fucked up my head. Turns out the poor kid didn’t know that
it was used to clean asses…he had drank some before I got there…
“Oh, no!” Jungkook dissolved into giggles. “Oh my god, Tae! He’s such an
idiot.”
“I know…he was a total menace.”
“I bet he had a fit, right?”
I nodded, laughing along with him. “Naturally, he was traumatized when he
realized what he’d done and I felt bad for him. By the time I calmed his tears,
I was wrapped around his tiny little fingers. I helped him clean himself up and
we left the mess for whomever handles messes like that. So that’s how I
officially met Kang Taehyung, the idiot we both know and love.”
“Wow…wait. Kang?”
“His father’s family name. Apparently, his grandfather changed it to ‘Kim’ when
they moved here. It’s one of the reasons why it was so hard to find him. I
didn’t know it until you called his name that night…”
“Ah…here I was wondering why you never came for him.”
“Trust me, I tried. But his grandfather was very good at keeping him hidden.
But I never stopped looking. My family and I…we never gave up on finding him.”
I looked over at him and there was a repentant look on his face. “Yeah…anyway,
we go back to the party and I try to locate his parents, but we found my mom
instead. Lo and behold, she’s talking to that kid’s mom. Turns out they were
best friends and I already knew the kid. His family had just returned from
America and our parents planned to raise us up together. From that moment
forward I didn’t make a move unless Taehyung was at my side.”
“That’s…it’s really a cute story.” He looked down at Tae, smiling with glassy,
charmed eyes. “What happened next?”
I rolled my eyes dramatically, stroking Tae’s hand with the pad of my thumb.
“Aish…the two-year long ‘kindlegarden’ argument.” Jungkook laughed loudly. “You
wouldn’t be able to tell since he’s a certified fucking genius now, but Tae
hated the entire idea of school when we were young. He hated that I had to go
and leave him behind every day. Well…” And I talked for hours and hours.
Through a sunset and a sunrise, I recounted my days and nights at Taehyung’s
side to a rapt, entranced Jungkook. He was a great listener; laughing,
groaning, and even cussing at just the right parts; he even cried a bit at some
of the rougher parts. He made the waiting bearable, less worrisome.
As I relived our memories, somehow I fell in love all over again. In telling
Jungkook our story my love for Taehyung grew even stronger…if that were at all
possible. The idea of separating from him, of not being with him when all of
this was over was a hard pill to swallow, but I had to be resilient enough for
the both of us. I held on tightly to his hand, praying simultaneously that he
hurried back so that I could know that he was okay and that he never woke up so
that I could stay with him just a bit longer.
At some point, Taehyung had closed his eyes and drifted off into a deep
slumber; neither Jungkook nor I slept. When I finished my stories he picked up
with his and gave me some insight into his past and his relationship with
Taehyung. Even though I had heard most of it, hearing it from Jungkook’s
perspective made me reconsider my dislike for the boy. He was a fuckup, that’s
true, but everybody makes mistakes, right? He was flawed, but it was easy to
see why Taehyung fell for him.
It was a peculiar thing, hard to imagine yet ridiculously easy to do…two rivals
bonding over our unconscious lover. But it happened. Somehow in the span of two
days, Jungkook and I became something like friends as we watched over and cared
for the man we both loved more than ourselves.
Chapter End Notes
     So many things happened in this chapter. From Hobi's feelings to
     Eomma Yun's support to Jungkook's reality check to poor Tae's
     breakdown... Yoongi went through a lot. Hopefully all of those
     conflicting feelings don't suffocate him. And Jimin is Kookie's half
     brother...hmmmm.
     Does it seem like the confrontation was too rushed with Yoonkook? I
     feel like it works. Yoongi is still wary of him of course but is
     holding himself back for Tae's sake, as usual. He sympathizes but has
     not forgiven Jungkook yet. So I hope you don't think they resolved
     things too easily. There's just a temporary truce right now. I think
     they'll make good friends though if they can get past their issues.
     Yoongi is making so many assumptions based on what he thinks Tae is
     going to do... but Tae has changed a lot. He may be the person who
     knows Tae best, but he isn't always right...ijs. ;)
     I look forward to seeing you guys in the comments. Next week is Tae's
     chapter. :D
     P.S. Serendipity killed me, then the concept photos resurrected me.
     xD
***** Weighed and Measured *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung knows what he wants and makes his choice, but guilt scares
     away his rationality.
Chapter Notes
     I'm so glad that there weren't any complaints about the last
     chapter...I was so worried that I had let you guys down by not
     completing my process. Thankfully no one found any problems so I'm
     leaving it as is. :)
     Taehyung is really stressed during this chapter so the writing is
     somewhat frantic. Well, not frantic, but less restrictive. I didn't
     pay too much attention to mechanics and structure, just flow and
     emotion. It was so hard to trick myself into being in a panic while
     writing because I'm an easy going person; luckily I have a good
     imagination hehehe. I think I did alright.
     And I really thought there was no smut until did the read-aloud
     before uploading...I don't know how I missed that. I'm so sorry. But
     I don't think it qualifies as smut, I'll let you guys figure that
     out.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
No sooner did Jungkook slam the door behind him that Taehyung jerked himself
from his trance. Upon realizing what Jungkook was headed to do, he yanked his
phone out of his back pocket and pulled up Yoongi’s contact info hastily. He
wanted to at least warn him that Jungkook was on a warpath…it was the right
thing to do, right?
His heart beat wildly in his chest, voice lodged in his throat as his chest
threatened to fold in on itself. His finger…it wouldn’t press the stupid call
button. Not when he had promised Jungkook he would cut off all contact. Not
when betraying the other’s trust could send him spiraling out of control again.
He yelled out in frustration and collapsed to his knees, still cradling the
phone in a shaky hand. Everything was falling apart and it was all his fault.
He let himself fall prostrate on the floor, phone clenched tightly in his
hands, and let his tears water the carpet.
He choked on the words he wanted to say, wanted to scream out; the words that
would put an end to all of this needless drama. Those words…that he loved
Jungkook and always would, but Yoongi held his heart. There was no question
now. He loved Jungkook so much that it hurt, but Yoongi was it for him. Yoongi
was his match, his other half, his home. Now that he had finally gotten him
back, he couldn’t risk losing his hyung, not for anybody; not even for his
Kookie. It was selfish, oh so selfish, but he didn’t want to live another day
without Min Yoongi by his side.
He had wanted to tell Yoongi before they left the dome, but didn’t know how to
say it. His hyung had gotten quieter for some reason, lost inside his own head.
His eyebrows were knitted together and his face was ineffable; it scared
Taehyung that he couldn’t read Yoongi’s feelings. He worried that his hyung
regretted what had happened that morning; that he felt uncomfortable because
Taehyung couldn’t control his stupid libido. Or maybe his Yogi decided that
Taehyung was too fucked up and different from the old him; that he couldn’t
handle what happened with Grandfather. Maybe his baggage was just too great.
Maybe he was positively pissed about Taehyung moving on with someone else.
Maybe he wasn’t attracted anymore, after all, the scars marring Tae’s body were
pretty gruesome. Or maybe he realized that he didn’t love Taehyung the way he
used to, that the fantasy was better than the real thing.
Taehyung was too afraid to push the issue. If it were any of those things, he
wasn’t prepared to hear it. Besides, Yoongi was already too good for someone
like him...too clean. Sure he had struggled, but at least he still had his
dignity; he was still pristine. He didn’t want Yoongi to break his heart by
pointing out that fact, not when he had waited so long for them to be together.
So he swallowed those words that would end everything: Yoongi, you’re the only
one I want…the only one I’ve ever really wanted. I choose you.
He should have told Yoongi even though he was afraid. He should have told
Jungkook right away even when he didn’t want to hear it. Now it had come to
this. He would have to sacrifice four days for Jungkook's sake; he would
swallow the truth for four days and it was the least he could do before he
ended things. It hardly classified as a sacrifice because he loved spending
time with Jungkook; he simply loved Jungkook. Four days…it was nothing compared
to an eternity with Yoongi. Forever with his hyung. Together…always. If Yoongi
still wanted it.
But it hurt, it hurt so badly, the thought of not seeing him at all. The urgent
need to see him right at that very moment tore through his body; he grimaced as
something simultaneously wrung his brain, heart, and stomach. Then he thought
of saying goodbye to poor, dependable, and loving Jungkook. He imagined the
bunny smile and twinkling eyes disappearing forever and everything shut down;
he felt unbearable pain. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t hurt Jungkook
like that. If it hurt this much, if the thought of being without Jungkook was
this harrowing, had he made the wrong choice? Was Yoongi not the one he truly
loved?
The aching, the worrying, the stress...he wanted it to stop, he would do
anything to make it stop. His last thought was that he was glad that he had
held those words in and that he had to find a way to make them both happy. Then
Taehyung was gone. Mindlessly, his body lifted itself up from the floor and
stood facing the door. He stood there, unconsciously waiting…it hadn’t taken
long for the rest of the world to fade away along with his fractured mind.
                                     *****
Darkness. There was no warmth or cold. There was no sense of time or space
other than the area I occupied. I was utterly alone and devoid of all emotion
as I drifted in absolute darkness. It pressed against me on all sides,
threatening to compress me into nothingness…into nonexistence. I saw nothing or
no one, heard nothing or no one. I felt nothing. I knew nothing. I was void.
For an immeasurable, yet extensive period, there was only darkness.
                                     *****
I came to face-down with my eyes closed, but I could sense that something was
different. I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. Where had I been
before? I felt a gentle breeze; it lightly ruffled the hair on my head. The air
was cooler, fresher…sweeter. My nose was buried deep in a familiar soft,
cottony blanket. My eyes flew open. “What?” I asked to no one. I pushed myself
up to my feet, taking in my surroundings with wide eyes.
This place, my place, though I hadn't seen it since I was a teenager I recalled
it perfectly in my dreams. “Home.” Sporadic flashes and glimpses of what had
driven me here threatened to drive me to my knees again; a whirlwind of smiles,
grimaces, sad eyes, and curled fists battered my brain as the two men I loved
squared off inside my mind. I had no idea what was happening, only that I had a
choice to make. Or had I chosen? I couldn’t remember. Yoongi…a disembodied
voice within the wind whispered the name all around me. Yoongi…right, I chose
my Yogi. He should be here to greet me, so where was he? And where was my
Kookie?
“Yogi-hyung? Jungkookie?” I looked around expectantly, waiting to see if Yoongi
or Jungkook would step out from behind a tree or something…they didn’t. I was
completely alone. I should have been grateful for the chance to think without
feeling pressured, but I missed them both terribly.
The sky stretched so far and wide it seemed never-ending, twinkling stars
glaring against a deep violet backdrop. I stood in the midst of a large apple
grove, well, not just apples…but the apple trees were the only ones bearing
fruit at the time. The fruit lent a spiced, sweet fragrance to the cool air. I
breathed it in heavily, intoxicated not only by the pleasant aroma, but by the
familiarity. It helped me relax and feel at peace.
I needed time to think, to gain some clarity; of course, my mind brought me
here. Yoongi was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, there was
no doubt about that now. But I still felt conflicted. Was I willing to risk my
relationship with Jungkook if it meant having Yoongi in my life? I knew I would
never be able to be completely happy without him by my side, not if I was
constantly wondering if he was okay…not if I would be distracted and sad
because my light was gone. And I didn’t want Yoongi to think that I regretted
choosing him when it wasn’t the case…or was that it? Would I regret it? Was
Jungkook who I wanted to choose instead?
Jungkook had been there for me in ways no one else had. He was more than just
my best friend, so much more than just that. If he meant that much to me, so
much that being with Yoongi wasn’t enough to make me happy, was I making the
right choice? ”Yah!” I yelled out in frustration.
I pushed those troublesome thoughts out of my mind. The back and forth was too
stressful and I had too much doubt to settle one way or the other. It was best
to just forget it for a while and just be.
I wandered off, leaving the safety of the blanket to explore my favorite place.
The garden was beautiful in the moonlight, the luminous heavenly body casting a
faint, but no less magical glow on the lovely flowers and majestic trees. I
took my time reintroducing myself, sniffing some flowers while delicately
touching others. I was so enchanted, so caught up that I almost missed the
whispers…I ducked quickly into a patch of tall flowers and hid as voices neared
my position.
I watched as two boys crept carefully through the darkness. They were bundled
in jackets, gloves, and scarves. I stared bemused as the two walked right past
me. The smaller of the two tugged the other frowning boy by his hand, leading
him to the same tree I had just left. This night…I remembered this night. I
hastened to follow the two.
“Shhhh! If Eomma So catches us out here she won’t let me sleep over for like a
month, Tae. A whole month! That’s like forever! How will I sleep?” He frowned
at the thought. "They're going to think I'm a bad influence since I'm the
eldest. Then I won't get to see you."
“But you promised me, hyungie. I wanna know about the constellations.”
“We can at least wait until it’s warmer, can't we? Besides...what would I do if
Eomma tells me I can’t come over again for breaking the rules?”
“She would never! Eomma Yun would be on my side no matter what. She’ll keep my
mom calm and make sure we don’t get into too much trouble.” The miniature me
beamed. “They would never separate us. And even if they did, wouldn’t you just
sneak over anyway? You do it all the time.”
“True, but that’s not the only issue here. The main thing is that it's too cold
out Tae-Tae, and I don’t want you to get sick. Hyungie is so worried…why don’t
you just let me buy you a book? I can still teach it like that.” He grimaced.
"Please?"
“It’s not the same as seeing it with my own eyes, right? Besides you promised.”
The tiny version of me pouted and Yoongi’s expression softened. “Please, my
Yogi?”
“Ugh, fine.” He let that Taehyung pull him over to the plaid blanket on which I
had awoken. “But you have to at least take my jacket...just so that I can have
peace of mind.”
I watched my younger self shake his head stubbornly. “But then you’ll catch a
cold. I don’t want you sick either, hyungie. No way.”
“Your hyung is too strong to get sick. Either you’re taking my jacket or we’re
going back inside.” They stared each other down, neither of them wanting to
bend. Finally, Yoongi shrugged his shoulders and took a step towards the house.
The younger Taehyung ran to Yoongi and wrapped him in a bone crushing hug,
holding him in place. “Okay, okay Yogi-hyung. You win.” He smiled brightly at
the elder, whose cheeks promptly went pink. “Hyung is always right, right?”
“Right, brat. Don’t forget it.” Yoongi shrugged out of his jacket and took a
seat on the blanket, legs splayed. “C’mon.” Taehyung sat in front of him,
leaning back against Yoongi’s chest. He pulled his knees in and wrapped his
arms around them. Yoongi shook out his coat and threw it over them both,
wrapping his arms snugly around him. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Warm? Comfy?”
“Very…are you cold, hyung?”
“Don’t worry about me. Let’s get this over with.” I watched in awe as Yoongi
explained the basics of astronomy to the engrossed ten year old I used to be,
trying but failing to hide chattering teeth as he spat out fact after fact.
Both versions of me hung onto his every word. He sounded so cool and
knowledgeable…I could feel my cheeks blazing up and warmth pooling in my belly;
I’m sure my younger self felt the same way. This was one of those moments…when
I started to realize that I loved Yoongi as more than a friend.
“Hyung…you’re cold?” Little Taehyung asked, clearly concerned.
“I don’t get c-cold. As l-long as you’re o-k-kay…”
Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Don’t move, hyung. I’ll be right back.” He threw off
Yoongi’s jacket, and took off towards the house. “I mean it, don’t move or I’ll
never forgive you!” A resigned Yoongi watched the younger until he was out of
sight, then hurriedly grabbed the jacket and wrapped himself up. I stifled my
giggles; even then he was more concerned with looking out for me. Reluctantly,
I tore my eyes away from Yoongi and followed Taehyung back to the house.
In his rush, Taehyung had forgotten to close the patio door; I snuck in as
quietly as I could. I pressed myself against the wall and slowly navigated my
way towards kitchen, where I knew he would be. I peered around the corner to
see him setting a large thermos and a mug on the island. A pot was on the
stove; a tin of cocoa, a bag of marshmallows, and a canister of sugar sat on
the counter nearby.
“Took you long enough,” he said without turning around as he stirred some cocoa
powder into the somehow already steaming pot. “You suck at hiding and you
breathe too loudly.”
"You're not afraid?" He didn't even bother to respond. I sighed heavily and
walked over to the island. “Nevermind, you’re such a brat.”
He turned around and glared at me. “Only one person gets to call me that and
he’s outside waiting for me.” He pointed with his spoon with an eyebrow raised.
“Why are you here? Trying to cockblock me?”
“How do you even know this word, you’re like ten.”
His eyes twinkled mischievously. “You act as if you’re surprised when you’re
the reason I’m like this. You’re me, right? Just old.” He turned back to the
pot and stirred some more. “So, what’s wrong?”
“How do you know something is wrong?”
“You’re me, idiot. How could I not know?”
“Oh…I guess that makes sense.”
“Did I get dumber as I got older or something? Just spit out whatever is
bothering you so I can go back to my Yogi.”
“Aish, you’re annoying.” I took a deep breath. “It’s about Yoongi and me. Well,
Yoongi and Jungkook and me. I love both of them but I can only be with one.
Yoongi is…” I bit my lip as I concentrated. “…he’s Yoongi, you know. There’s no
other way to put it. You know what he means to us, but he was gone for a long
time. Then there's Jungkook…he’s been so good to me. He was there during the
toughest parts of my life and I love him so much. He and I were on our way to
being a real couple when Yoongi suddenly showed up. It would be unfair to throw
away what I was building with Kookie just because Yoongi came back, right? I
have to at least give him a chance, right? I mean, I want to be with Yoongi but
not at Jungkook’s expense, not if it’ll hurt him. Does that mean I love
Jungkook more and should be with him instead? Or am I just looking for an
excuse not to be with Yoongi because I’m scared he might not feel the same as I
do? I’m so confused right now…I don’t know what to do and I’m unsure whether I
can trust my own feelings. Who should I choose?”
“Are you sure you haven’t gotten dumber? We don’t have all night and you’re
making things terribly complicated.”
“Just help me,” I whined, flopping onto a stool and pouting. "I really don't
know what to do."
“Aish, so dramatic. Why do you act more like the ten year old here? You’re such
an idiot.” He giggled, still stirring. “And why are you making things harder on
yourself? You don't really need my help to figure out who you want to be with,
you know.”
“I wouldn’t ask if I knew what to do. I love them both so much and don’t want
to hurt either of them.”
“You love them both but it’s two very different types of love, isn’t it?
Besides, the fact that you’re even considering ending it with this Jungkook guy
just because hyung came back proves that you don’t love him as much as you love
Yoongi. If your feelings for him were that strong Yoongi’s return wouldn’t have
mattered.”
“It works both ways though, doesn’t it? If I loved Yoongi so strongly I would
have never fallen for Jungkook in the first place, right? And now that Yoongi’s
back and I want to be with him it hurts my heart to think of leaving Jungkook
behind. What does that mean?”
“It only means that you’re overthinking it and doubting yourself. You should
follow your heart.”
“My heart wants Yoongi, but it wants Jungkook to be happy too. Jungkook and I
have been through so much together. He saved me. He held me together every time
I fell apart, put me back together when I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself.
He’s been so patient and considerate of my feelings this whole time and I don’t
want to lose him. I need him and he needs me just as much.”
“Needing him doesn’t mean you’re in love with him.”
I scoffed. “I just think you’re biased.”
“Of course I am! I don’t even know this Jungkook person.” He spun around,
pointing his spoon dangerously at me. “Min Yoongi is everything to us, right?
EVERYTHING! The fact that you’re fighting what’s so evident is driving me
insane.” He pinched his nose, face screwed up in concentration…it was a habit I
had picked up from Yoongi when I was that age. I found myself smiling at him.
“What is it about this guy that would make you want to pass on my Yogi?”
“He’s incredibly sweet. He’s loyal and protective, funny. Cute as hell. Loves
me unconditionally and takes care of me very well…at least up until recently.
He’s my best friend and I want to be with him always.”
He rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t sound like anything special to me. I could say the
same thing about a puppy I play with sometimes after school. What is it that
makes you think you’re in love with him?”
“I…other than what I’ve already said, I don’t know exactly. I just know that I
don’t want to be without him. He’s such a good person and he’s been through
hell. I want him to be happy and I’m what makes him happy.”
“What about my Yogi? You don’t want him happy?”
“Of course I want him to be happy, but he says he doesn’t care whether I’m his
friend or his lover…as long as I’m there he’ll be okay.”
“How are you really this stupid? Just because he says he’ll be okay doesn’t
mean he’ll actually be okay. Do you not know our Yogi-hyung? He’ll do or say
anything to make you feel better, even if it kills him. He's even worse than we
are.” I thought back to 12 year old Yoongi still waiting patiently outside with
his teeth chattering. “Him saying it doesn’t make it true.”
“You think…you think he’s just telling me what I want to hear? To make it
easier for me?”
“Duh! You’re so hung up on Jungkook’s potential pain that you’re not even
thinking about Yoongi. He hurts too, he’ll suffer too. You think it’ll be easy
for him to see you with someone else? He’ll do it with a smile on his face, but
on the inside…” he shook his head.
“Our hyung is the strongest person I know, so I didn’t even consider it. He
told me he wouldn’t break, but shit…you might be right.” I thought about his
battle with depression and the suicide attempts. "But he promised he wouldn't
do those things again."
“I don't know what you're talking about, but this decision you have to make is
not a big deal. You're making it harder than it needs to be. Stop being
stubborn! You love them both but in two different ways. I think you feel like
you owe this Jungkook guy something… he’s a great friend, yes, you really love
him, fine, but he’s not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
He’s just someone, not the one.”
“But if I go back to Yoongi, Jungkook might do something foolish; I don’t want
him to be hurt. What if he runs away? What if he goes back to drugs or selling
his body again? It’ll be my fault.”
“How is it your fault when he makes bad decisions? Shouldn’t you hold him
accountable for the stuff he does?” He laughed loudly. “Do you even hear what
you sound like? You’re not arguing that you love him too much to leave him, but
that you’re scared of his reaction to you leaving. Isn’t that proof enough?” He
carried the pot over to the island and carefully poured most of the sweet
concoction into the thermos; the rest he put into the mug. “Jungkook’s choices
are just that, his choices. You are not obligated to be with him because he’s
done stuff for you. You’re not obligated to be in love with him because he’s in
love with you. And if he loves you as much as he says then he shouldn’t mind
your honesty. You love Jungkook and you love Yoongi too, but you’re in love
with Yoongi.”
“But I’m not in love with Yoongi.” I spoke up, shyly. “Being in love with
someone means you can fall out of love. I don’t ever see that happening with
Yoongi and me. He’s…” I stuttered out some syllables and sounds that had no
real meaning. I tried to calm myself down. “My Yogi is…” I started again, but I
found myself at a loss for words. “He’s…”
Taehyung nodded happily. “See? You can’t even put your feelings into words.” He
shook some marshmallows into the mug then ran to the refrigerator to grab some
whipped cream and chocolate syrup. He dressed the cocoa really prettily and
then slid the mug over to me. “I’m sure this Jungkook guy is nice and I’m glad
you had someone to get you through rough times, but you don’t owe him your
love.” He dropped a ton of marshmallows into the thermos and capped it up
tightly before taking the empty pot and rinsing it in the sink. “Besides, I’m
sure he’d be insulted to know that the only reason you want to be with him is
because you’re worried to death over what he might do if you don’t choose him.”
“That’s not the only reason though…I do love Jungkook. I really love him.” I
downed some of the liquid sugar…it was perfect. “It’s real, it’s not out of
pity or because I feel I owe him. I'm honestly in love with him.”
“Sure, sure. You can tell yourself that over and over again…it won’t make it
true, just make you stupid.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m tired of trying to
convince you and Yoongi’s probably a popsicle by now.” He put away all the
stuff he had pulled out as he talked. “We both know you already know who you
want. My advice: make the choice for yourself, not for anyone else. Forget
about Yoongi’s feelings and stop worrying about what Jungkook might do…who do
you want? When you’re brave enough to accept the truth, go for it.” I watched
him grab the thermos and make for the exit. “Don’t fuck up, old Taehyung. Oh,
and if you’re going to be a perv and stalk us, be better at it.” He left,
shaking his head and chuckling to himself.
I sat there staring into my mug as if it held the answer I needed. The younger
me was so much wiser, so much more surer than the current me. He made the
choice seem almost too easy. I chugged the cocoa, cleaned up my mess, and
headed out to see how things played out between those two.
I watched them from a distance, cooing at the cuteness of 12 year old Yoongi
and 10 year old me. The way both of them blushed every time they passed the
thermos back and forth; the thought of indirect kisses clearly exciting them.
Taehyung had grabbed another blanket at some point before leaving the house so
that Yoongi could have his jacket back, but he had resumed his seat between
Yoongi’s legs. He leaned back into Yoongi, who had his chin resting on the top
of the younger’s head. Every now and then while Tae was talking or distracted,
Yoongi would lightly kiss the top of his head while gazing at him dreamily.
I remembered feeling every single kiss but not saying anything in case Yoongi
got embarrassed or even worse…stopped. Warmth filled me at the sight and
suddenly I found myself suffocating from want. My tongue was heavy and glued to
the roof of my mouth and my pulse raced uncontrollably. An overwhelming wave of
heat punched through me and I felt like fainting. This feeling, it wasn’t
something exclusive to being with Yoongi…was it? I had to find out.
                                     *****
I had only blinked once, but when I opened my eyes I was in the house I shared
with Jungkook. I watched from the corner of my bedroom as Jungkook crept into
my room. I smiled, remembering how he would always come in late at night to
check on me. The nightmares were pretty bad at this point, so bad that I wasn’t
sleeping at all. But I kept it all from Jungkook so that he wouldn’t worry too
much. Unbeknownst to him when he snuck in that night, I was wide awake.
My past self closed his eyes until they were slits, watching Jungkook’s timid
approach while trying not to giggle. He was so quiet and careful, face screwed
up in concentration as he tried desperately not to wake the seemingly
slumbering other me. He tiptoed quietly over to the side of the bed where the
other laid in wait, effectively pretending to be asleep.
I saw Jungkook kneel in front of the bed. He sighed in relief upon finding what
seemed to be a peacefully resting Taehyung. He reached out tentatively, wanting
to brush the bangs back that hung in the other’s eyes; he chickened out at the
last moment, folding his hands delicately in his lap instead and blushing
furiously as he settled back on his haunches to take up watch. He avoided
looking at that Taehyung’s face, nervously pulling at his pajama pants.
I felt a rush of affection for Jungkook, remembering how comforting it was to
know that he was always looking out for me, always watching over me and taking
care of me. My heart swelled as I watched him at his nightly post, sacrificing
his health, his rest to be there in case I was plagued by nightmares. I felt so
blessed to have him in my life. And then I noticed the other Taehyung move…I
knew exactly what would happen next. I covered my mouth with my hand, holding
in my laughter.
Jungkook didn’t notice the other open his eyes fully, mischief dancing
dangerously within the chocolate. He didn’t notice the goofy, bright
rectangular grin. Taehyung quietly pushed against the mattress…then launched
himself forward yelling, “Koooookie!”
Jungkook looked up, startled. He only had time to utter a garbled ‘Wafuk?’
before he was bowled over and tumbling on the floor in a tangled mess of limbs.
The other me laughed happily as he wrapped the younger in his arms while they
rolled, making sure he didn’t get hurt. They rolled to a stop, Jungkook trapped
underneath a heavily breathing, still laughing Taehyung. “Tae! You scared the
shit out of me!”
“Aw, I’m sorry Jungkookie.” He tenderly brushed Jungkook’s hair out of his eyes
before bracing himself up, a hand firmly pressed into the carpet on either side
of the younger’s head…“I saw you come in and I just couldn’t resist. Are you
mad?” He tickled Jungkook ferociously until he was whimpering and begging for
mercy. “Aw…is Kookie pissed?
His tongue pushed against his cheek, a clear sign of irritation. Both that
Taehyung and myself giggled at his cuteness. “Of course not, you just scared me
that’s all,” he responded breathlessly. Jungkook’s cheeks blazed bright red as
he stared up at Taehyung. “I couldn’t be mad at you, not ever.”
I clearly recalled the heavy badumps within my chest as I stared down at him
that night. I watched the two of them, faces so close that they breathed each
other’s breath. I saw the moment that things morphed into something more
concrete; that it became more than just a random frisky event. I saw when the
relationship between he and I turned into something more than friendship for
me. Jungkook had been there for a long time waiting patiently for me to catch
up, and finally I couldn’t fight it anymore.
Taehyung’s head grew cloudy as the scent of their body washes mingled together
and heavily perfumed the electrically charged air. Jungkook looked as if he
were too scared to breathe. Sweat broke out on his brow and his entire body
froze from nervousness. Taehyung’s smile slowly faded. He gazed down at the
younger’s burning face, something akin to confusion contorting his features as
he studied. He let his eyes wander over Jungkook’s face, lingering for a long
time on his lips before meeting wide eyes again. “You said…it’s okay if I kiss
you, right?” he asked uncertainly, voice husky and shaky.
Jungkook finally let out a breath, eyes shining with enthusiasm as he nodded.
“If you want to…”
“You have no idea how much I want to…how much I’ve been wanting to.” He took a
trembling finger and traced along Jungkook’s bottom lip; the younger’s eyes
fluttered shut. He leaned in and left a tender peck on soft, moist, pink lips
before pulling away quickly. “So pretty…”
“Ugh…” Jungkook whined, eyes opening slowly. “Tae…” he pleaded. “Don’t call me
pretty.”
“What should I call you? Cute? Fluffy? Adorable? Those words don’t work as well
as pretty. Like it or not, that’s what you are. Pretty.”
“Why not handsome? Or even sexy?” Jungkook pouted. “I’d rather be manly than
pretty.”
“You’re that too, but when you’re like this,” he cupped Jungkook’s cheek, “all
flushed, soft, and shy…pretty is the word that best describes you. You’re my
pretty Kookie.”
Jungkook’s eyes lit up at hearing a hint of possessiveness. He smiled softly
before giggling and rolling his eyes. “You’re so weird. I’m not pretty.”
“Not pretty?” He scoffed. “The way your eyes crinkle when you smile,” he kissed
each eyelid, “that’s not pretty? Or how your cheeks are so round and pink,” he
pinched them gently, “that’s not pretty? Or that thing you do when you scrunch
up your nose…” He leaned and kissed the tip of Jungkook’s nose, the latter
batting him away lightheartedly.
“It’s not…I’m not.” He tried to laugh but the intensity of that Taehyung’s gaze
almost made him choke on it. “Tae….don’t.”
“To me you are. Jeon Jungkook, you are very pretty. Pretty and patient and
perfect for me.” Those doe eyes widened as Taehyung moved closer; he sighed
gratefully when plush lips met his.
I watched the other me lean in and kiss Jungkook again, for real this time, and
waited for that punch of warmth and want and need that was always present
whenever I saw, thought of, or talked to Yoongi; it didn’t come. There was no
sense of urgency. It didn’t feel like I was suffocating when he wasn’t touching
me. I didn’t feel like the world would come crashing to a halt if my lips
weren’t touching his. I didn’t feel like my body was internally, spontaneously
combusting and I would explode from within when he looked at me.
This was wrong. There had to be more. Maybe if the situation was steamier...I
closed my eyes.
                                     *****
They were in the shower this time…why did so many of my lynchpin memories
involve showers? I shook my head in disbelief as I watched through the glass.
This night, the night he’d told me his idea about a Las Vegas trip, was the
very moment that I decided that Yoongi should stay a permanent part my past; he
wasn’t coming for me anyway…or so I thought. Things got pretty hot and heavy
that night.
This version of me wore a long white tshirt, still uncomfortable with showing
his body. He and Jungkook leered at each other as Taehyung started to scrub the
other. Jungkook’s eyes closed as the spongey loofah traveled painstakingly slow
over his whole front. Taehyung concentrated on the task at hand, lip caught
between his teeth out of habit. It wasn’t until he stooped down to wash those
thick, built thighs that he started to overheat. He chanced a glance up at his
dongsaeng towering over him as he knelt; Jungkook’s eyes burned, flashing a
hint of the indecency overwhelming his brain.
Taehyung swallowed nervously as saliva flooded his mouth. He stood slowly, hand
gripping the younger’s narrow waist to brace himself. When they were finally
face to face, they both stood there breathing, just staring. I remembered that
I had made the first move and sure enough that Taehyung wound his fingers into
ebony hair and pulled Jungkook forward to meet his lips.
Jungkook parted his lips, inviting Taehyung’s tongue to explore; Taehyung of
course leapt at the offer. They stood under the scalding spray, tongues
tangling and lips wrestling roughly as Taehyung lazily dragged the loofah with
no real purpose. Jungkook pulled the other closer to rub their hardening dicks
together, only the thin, soaked, cotton t-shirt acting as a barrier to the
feeling of skin on skin.
Before he exploded, Taehyung spun Jungkook around and pressed up against him.
He continued to scrupulously lather up the younger’s body. Jungkook’s head
rested on his shoulder now, neck and chest exposed to the hot spray. Taehyung
littered kisses down the side of Jungkook’s neck and along his shoulder.
“Shit…Tae.”
“Hmmm…” was the only reply from lips busily sucking marks into pale skin. The
loofah dropped to the floor forgotten as lust took over Taehyung’s mind. He let
his hands slide down the younger’s muscular chest, fingers trailing and dipping
into every deep recess of well-developed abs, before tracing his hipbones with
my fingertips and finally landing on firm, yet malleable cheeks. He gave them a
brutal squeeze; the younger cried out loudly. “Shhh…didn't mean to hurt you,
baby. Did I hurt you?”
“N-n-no. I-I…it felt gooooood…” he stuttered.
Smirking, he pushed Jungkook’s head from his shoulder so that he could get a
better view, forcing him to bend forward and brace himself against the wall.
The harsh water steadily poured from the showerhead; heavy steam filled the
entire room, fogging the shower door and the mirror. My view was obscured, but
I didn’t have to see it to know what happened next…it was burned into my brain.
Taehyung removed his shirt, emboldened by the thick fog permeating the
bathroom. He grabbed those now red, well-scrubbed cheeks and mashed them
together, nearly drooling at the sight. He let go for a second to position
himself between those heavenly globes before smashing them together again.
Jungkook’s flesh felt so luscious, succulent, as it enveloped his cock. “Fuck!”
He began to stab upward, the glide almost too slippery as the water cascaded
down the younger’s spine. He stared in fascination as his tip poked its way
through before slipping back into concealment within Jungkook’s warmth. He
frantically thrusted as pleasure-driven profanities dripped from his
dongsaeng’s lips.
He reduced his pace, vision swimming from overexertion and heat, and eventually
released those sinful cheeks from his grip. He pulled the younger back into his
chest, locking him in place, and used a foot to force his feet apart. He dipped
down and prodded with his dick until it was ensconced securely between
Jungkook’s muscular thighs, licking and nipping his way up the other's spine
before standing up tall.
“Tae…please…”
“Shhh…I've got you, baby.”
Fingertips gripped slippery hips as he drove forward powerfully. The guttural
growl from his dongsaeng spurred him onward. He set a grueling pace, purposely
dragging his length against the younger’s sac so that he got something from it
too. Jungkook cried out wretchedly. He reached around and seized Jungkook’s
dangerously engorged, rigid, leaking erection. When he started to pump with his
hand, Jungkook screamed out, “Shit…Tae…oh…it’s too…fuck!” He stretched an arm
behind him and gripped the back of Taehyung’s neck hanging on for dear life.
“Hyung!”
Taehyung was consistent with his strokes, fucking Jungkook’s thighs with
reckless abandon while vigorously propelling his dongsaeng to sweet release. He
bit down hard on the back of Jungkook’s neck, drawing even more beautiful
expletives…
I stood there listening and reminiscing, highly aroused and wishing I could
join in, but otherwise unchanged. I waited desperately for the feeling of my
every molecule, every atom being pulled apart and scattered throughout the
room. I waited for that feeling of being turned inside out and then ripped in
half as I neared orgasm…it was not there. It was nothing like the feelings I
felt when I was with Yoongi.
I didn’t know how to feel because this memory was sacred to Jungkook and me; it
was the first time I initiated anything sexual with Jungkook. It was a defining
moment; it put us one step closer to a deeper, more meaningful relationship. So
knowing that it wasn’t as life-changing now as it had been in the moment cut me
deep. It gave me clarity, allowed me to see the unfortunate and sad truth.
I was attracted to him, loved him, wanted him, and needed him. Kissing him felt
good, touching him felt good, loving him felt good…but fuck, it just wasn’t the
same.
I didn’t want to hurt him because I cared about him. I didn’t want to lose him
because I was in love with him. But he was not my one, not the one. I knew it,
and as much as I had tried to talk myself out of knowing it, as much as I tried
to ignore my true feelings to lessen his pain, it was still true.
Jungkook was my safety net, my haven. He made me feel protected and kept me
from shattering into pieces. He brought light during the darkest period of my
life, so it was natural to want to hold on to him. He was beautiful, kind,
gentle, sweet, caring, loving, and knew exactly what to do to make me smile.
But he wasn’t Yoongi. He could never be Yoongi.
I felt tears running down my cheeks. I promised them both that I would always
be honest. In keeping to my promise, I abandoned my stubbornness and finally
admitted to myself that choosing Jungkook would be a lie. Choosing Jungkook
would be unfair to all of us. Choosing Jungkook would hurt all of us. Choosing
Jungkook wouldn’t make any of us happy. Choosing Jungkook was never a real
option; he couldn’t be when Yoongi and I were written in the stars. Yoongi was,
is and always would be the one for me.
I watched sadly as my echo resigned to throw everything away for Jungkook,
knowing now that it was pointless. He and I would never get the chance to be
together, to grow together. To love together. Maybe if I hadn’t held back for
so long, if I had given him a chance earlier...
No, not even then. I would still long for Yoongi. I would always want Yoongi.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see Jungkook and me anymore now that I knew
how I really felt about him; now that I knew I had no choice but to hurt him. I
wasn’t ready to let go of my love for him. I would have to soon, but not yet.
Not until I left this place. I turned my back on the sweet scene, heart aching.
I wanted to be anywhere but here, where I could hear us moaning in ecstasy as
we chased bliss together.
I didn't deserve his love. I didn't deserve Yoongi's either.
                                     *****
I smelled stale cigar smoke and peppermint oil; immediately I started
trembling. “No…” I whimpered, tears still falling. “Not here.” I was too afraid
to open my eyes, to confirm where I had brought myself. The crackling of
burning wood assailed my eardrums, too loud…but not loud enough to conceal the
heavy, sure footsteps approaching from behind.
He stood directly behind me, I could feel his soft breath on the top of my
head. Heavy hands slithered up my arms and came to rest on my shoulders,
gripping them callously. I squeezed my eyes tighter, praying silently to open
them to my garden or any other place that was safe. He leaned in close and I
could feel his breath on my ear. “Such a filial boy, you came all on your own.
So good…”
I couldn’t contain the shudders seizing my body. I bit my lip nervously as I
felt him walk around to face me head on, his hands lingering on my body as he
did so. I kept my eyes firmly shut.
“But you’ve been bad, haven’t you my beloved grandson? Breaking rules, not
heeding my commands...”
“No, Grandfather. I’ve been good for you. I am very good,” I cried.
“Lies...such insolence! Why else would you bring yourself here instead of
waiting for me to come for you?” He grabbed me by my collar, yanking me forward
and upward until only my tiptoes grazed the floor. “Open your eyes and greet me
properly, filth.”
I reluctantly forced my eyes open to meet cold, soulless pupils and a sneer so
malicious that I recoiled. “Hello, Grandfather.” I wound shaking arms around
his waist and hugged him close. “I’m happy to see you again. Thank you for
meeting me.”
“Good…now bow.” I fell to the floor as he roughly pushed me away. “Fully.”
“Yes, Grandfather.” I scrambled to my knees and sat back on my heels, allowing
my forehead to kiss the floor. Rough hands gripped my hair and pulled me up
into a kneeling position.
“Now that we’ve gotten all the pleasantries out of the way…” he sharply swung
his knee up, colliding with my nose. Everything flashed white and I felt my
brain rattle around as I fell in a deep arc towards the ground. “…you can
accept your punishment. Why are you here?"
"Because I've been bad. I've been very bad, Grandfather," I mumbled through my
fingers. My nose and lip bled profusely and I'm pretty sure I swallowed a
tooth.
"Yes, you have. You're going to be here for a while, beloved, until we rid you
of all sin. Are you ready, precious?”
I wiped at the blood gushing from my nose and lip before forcing myself back
into a kneeling position; I cowered, trembling terribly. "Yes, Grandfather."
"Good. Let's begin, shall we?"
                                     *****
Taehyung awoke days later to blinding light on the soft hotel bed, a silent
scream locked behind clenched teeth and wrapped tightly in a pair of arms he
knew very well…too well. He heard gentle breathing and a strong, racing
heartbeat. He smelled the familiar, comforting, strong, clean scent of soap and
aftershave so strong it tickled his nose. His racing pulse calmed as those arms
crushed him, pulling him closer into a muscular, bare chest. He sighed in
contentment, the residual panic from whatever hellish dreamscape he’d escaped
washing away. He was safe, loved, and with the only person really who mattered,
his anchor. “Kookie…baby…”
Chapter End Notes
     I hope you guys understand Tae and don't judge him too harshly, he's
     doing a great job of that on his own. Just remember the type of
     person he is and how much this has to be weighing on him. He's trying
     desperately to make peace with his decision but then starts doubting
     himself a lot. He's punishing himself for hurting the people he loves
     and I don't think he's done anything that deserves the kind of
     torture he inflicts on himself. Sadly enough, this isn't the last
     we'll see of Grandfather. He'll be flesh and bone the next time we
     see him. :(
     If you've read the whole story, you know what the ending means, and
     you're probably thinking "Fuck, not again." If you haven't read the
     entire story, why are you starting at the end? Ijs..xD
     I know, I know...I'm sorry, but rest assured my faithfuls, Tae's
     choice is definite. He recognizes that he loves them differently now
     and wants only Yoongi...that doesn't mean he'll get him though
     hehehe. I'm sorry Taekook shippers that Kookie wasn't chosen...that
     doesn't mean he won't get a happy ending though. If you choose to
     leave I understand. No hard feelings, it's all love on my end. :)
     Unfortunately, you guys have to wait to see what happens after Tae
     wakes up because Yoongi's chapter is up next. Yoongi has to go back
     to Cali and is spending his last hours with the still unconscious
     Taehyung and a worried Jungkook. He's trying to be strong but is
     struggling not to fall apart. Will he let the stress take its toll?
     Hmmm...
     Up Next:
     Chapter 39 - There's Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye
     As always, see you guys in the comments. I take all forms of
     feedback. Yells, praise, profanity, dot-dot-dot, emoticons, etc...I
     take it all lol. If you're leaving at least say goodbye before you
     go, okay? Everyone is welcome and feel free to speak your mind. No
     judgments. Love you guys. ;-*
***** It's Never the Right Time to Say Goodbye *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi gets support from an unlikely source; Yoongi vents.
Chapter Notes
     Edit: Usually I have a lot to say, but during BTS comebacks I have
     always been one of those hardcore, dedicated streamers. I'm working
     hard on YT and Spotify, streaming using 5 accounts on 5 devices while
     doing everything else so it gets a little hectic. Sry lovelies, I
     promise to be more attentive next week. But it's back to streaming I
     go....love you all!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Jungkook watched cagily from his current post at the window as I comforted the
man we loved. I could feel his eyes boring into me. “Shhh…it’s okay, love. I
swear it’s okay.” I whispered into Taehyung’s ear as he slept fitfully,
whimpering miserably. I used a towel to mop his sweaty, furrowed brow. “I’m
here, your hyung is here. I love you and I’m waiting, so hurry back to me,
please.” I kissed his forehead lightly. “I miss you so much…could you open your
eyes for me? For hyung?” He laid there, frozen in a nightmare. “Please…for me.
Min Taehyung, wake up.” I smiled down at him…nothing. “Hubby…love. Please,” I
begged. I kissed him softly on the lips before clambering from the bed,
wringing my hands together as I paced back and forth. I still felt Jungkook’s
eyes on me, but I didn’t acknowledge it.
I didn’t want to admit it because it would be another point in his favor, but
Jungkook was almost too considerate. I had basically moved into their room,
refusing to leave Tae’s side for even a second; he didn't complain once. It
became awkward sharing the bed and Tae, so we switched positions every few
hours. I hadn’t been out of the bed more than two seconds, before Jungkook
scrambled to take my place. I heard him mumbling incoherent, yet extremely
gentle sounding words to Tae as he touched him delicately. He failed terribly
to be inconspicuous as he wiped Tae’s lips carefully before meeting them with
his own. The jerk…wiping away my kisses so that he could rebrand Tae. I didn’t
fault him for doing so when I had done the same several times already.
It had been two days since I last saw Tae’s eyes or his smile. I felt so
useless, helpless even, as he laid there suffering from some unknown terror.
Yesterday I got so fed up that I wanted to shake him awake to save him from
whatever pain he faced; Jungkook warned me it was useless. He told me that he
could usually wake Taehyung, even though the latter would admonish him for
doing so. It hadn’t been until recently that sometimes it was impossible to
rouse him. Of course, I tested it for myself once while Jungkook was in the
bathroom; I gave in and shook Tae, jumped on the bed around him, bit his
finger, even kissed him passionately…Tae didn’t respond. Jungkook also told me
that this was the first time Tae had been out for so long.
As much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn’t escape the niggling idea that it
was all my fault. Even though Tae told me it wasn’t, even though he wouldn’t
let me apologize, I still felt responsible for not finding him quicker. For
being so weak and letting him suffer through such torture all on his own, I
would never forgive myself. And now he was stuck in this state, frozen in some
unknown hell and I couldn’t do anything but wait for him to pull himself out of
it. I was slowly unraveling and the voices in my head told me that everything
would be better if I walked out now and never looked back; that me being here
was the reason this was happening to Tae. I buried the thought and continued
pacing.
The door opened and Eomma briskly walked in with coffee. She thrust a cup into
my hand with nary a greeting before making a beeline straight for Tae, having
no qualms whatsoever about yanking a disgruntled Jungkook from his spot,
forcing the other cup into his hands, and crawling into the bed and pulling
Tae’s head into her lap. “How is he?” she demanded.
“Still nothing.” I sighed tiredly, passing a hand over the back of my neck. “I
talked to him. He cried for a while and made a few sounds. Otherwise no
change.” I walked over and gave a pouting Jungkook a light, comforting pat on
the back. Having a common enemy in the form of my mother helped strengthen our
fledgling bond. Eomma had blown in that first day like a human tornado,
ordering us around and monopolizing Tae. But it was obvious that she was
extremely worried, so Jungkook and I tolerated it.
She took an immediate liking to Jungkook, treating him as if she had known him
his entire life…as if he were family. I was little perturbed because I felt
like she should have hated him immediately on my behalf since I couldn’t,
knowing that he was trying to steal her son's one true love away. But it was
impossible to hate the guy and after only a few hours he had earned the
privilege of calling her Eomma Yun. I hated that I didn’t hate him, and I hated
that she didn’t hate him for me.
“He’s going to shake himself right out of his clothes, my poor baby.” She
lovingly ran her fingers through his hair, gazing down at Tae. “You two need to
eat and then get some rest. I can stay with him.”
“We’re fine,” Jungkook and I spoke up at the same time; we looked away from
each other uneasily. I wondered briefly when he and I had become a ‘we’. "I
have to leave soon, Eomma. I don't want to waste time..."
“I don’t want to hear it," she interrupted. You both look dead on your feet and
I won’t have you two risking your health out of sheer stubbornness. If you
won’t sleep, at least eat something. And Yoongi, you need to take your meds.
Both of you are running on empty and if you pass out before he wakes up, all
bets are off. I’ll take off and keep him all to myself, I really will.”
I rolled my eyes. “Eomma…” I tried to argue.
“Either get out or I will throw you out.” Her words were soft and calm, but she
shot a ferocious, venomous look at the both of us. “Breakfast, now.” I didn’t
move, neither did Jungkook. I glared at her while the muscle bunny pouted some
more. “GO!” We flinched and looked at each other, both waiting for the other to
offer an argument…both too afraid to say anything to her while she looked like
that. We did the only thing we could do, back slowly out of the room (in case
she threw a shoe or something), waving goodbye as we left.
She didn’t even bother to wave back, still stroking Taehyung’s hair and already
reciting one of our favorite fairytales from our youth, Rabbit’s Eyes. It was
safe to say she had lost her mind, but she’d always been that way with Tae.
“Fuck, she’s scary. You were right.” Jungkook said once we were safely out of
earshot on the elevator. “How did you survive growing up with her as a parent?
You must have shit your pants at least twice a day.”
“Trust me, it was complete hell. I wore a diaper until I was twelve.” We both
laughed, exhaustion slightly dimming the action. “It's how you know she cares.”
“Why do I have to suffer? She doesn’t even know me well enough to treat me like
she does you.”
“Face it, kid. You’re a part of the family now. Tae loves you so she does by
default. Unfortunately, you’re stuck with us now, which means you have her on
your back for the rest of your life.” I roughly ruffled his hair.
“Ugh…too soon.” He grimaced batting my hand away, but his cheeks were pink.
“We’re good, but don’t ever touch me like that again.” We stepped out into the
lobby and headed for the breakfast buffet. Jungkook sulked as we walked. “She
shouldn’t have kicked us out like that. What if he wakes up while we’re down
here? What if he needs me?”
“Eomma will be so fussy and over the top that he won’t even realize we’re
missing.”
“Are you worried about what I said before…about his memory? He may not remember
anything that happened between you two.”
I was actually terrified but I didn’t tell him that. “Then I’ll just have to
remind him.” I sighed tiredly. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him by my
side. Living without him for this long was the hardest thing I’ve ever
experienced. I don’t want to do that again.”
“Harder than the other stuff you went through?”
“Depression is manageable. You talk out your feelings and shit, take a pill
here and there…”
“It’s much more complicated than that though, isn’t it? Otherwise, you wouldn’t
have tried to…you know.”
“Once you get to know me better you’ll realize I have a bad habit of
downplaying my shit.” I smiled at him. “Anyway, the point is that of the two
things living without Tae hurt the most.”
“Do you blame him at all for what happened to you?”
I paused midstride to stare at him. “How could I when it’s not his fault?
Depression doesn’t work like that.”
“Then how does it work?”
“Fuck, you ask a lot of questions. What are you, three?” I pinched the bridge
of my nose before taking off; Jungkook trailed behind me. I took a deep breath,
trying to collect my jumbled thoughts as we reached the buffet. “First of all I
need to clarify that Tae leaving was only one of several stressors, it was like
the final straw, you know?” We grabbed plates and started throwing random
things on them. I continued to talk as he listened intently. “I was a senior in
high school, bogged down with classwork and projects while preparing for finals
and college entrance exams. Desperate to get the highest grades possible, I
enrolled in cram school so that I wouldn’t be too much of a financial burden on
my parents, even though they could afford it. I took supplemental English
classes three times a week. I was the captain of basketball team and spent a
lot of my free time practicing and coming up with plays. A flock of dimwitted
girls stalked me every day, throwing themselves at me when I made it perfectly
plain that I was uninterested. But the biggest thing, the thing that hurt me a
lot was my decision to give up music and basketball after high school to focus
more on business. It made my father proud that I was so responsible, but it
killed me to give up the hobbies I loved so much.”
Jungkook pointed his fork at me. “I know exactly what you mean. My father tried
to force me to give up music and dance…all arts really. I fought to keep them,
but lost.” He grimaced, shoving a forkful of eggs in his mouth as we walked. “I
breathed the arts. It was what I lived for before I met Tae.”
“So you understand how big of a deal that was for me! And with graduation
looming, I realized I would have to go off and live as an adult by myself in
some unknown place; I had to mentally prepare myself for that.” I sighed sadly
as we sat. “There were so many things happening all at once, you see? In the
midst of it all was the overwhelming need to confess my feelings to Tae,
although I worried about how things would change for us. I knew our parents
would be supportive, but Korea isn’t the best place for a relationship like
ours. Plus, I would have to leave Taehyung behind again. If I told him how I
felt and then left him to deal with the aftermath on his own…it was horrible to
imagine. He’s so damned lovable and sweet and he wouldn’t fight back if he were
bullied. He would just take it and suffer silently. He would hide it to protect
me. I would be completely clueless and out of reach while he was tormented.”
“You’re right. He would let them hit him, call him names…whatever. Knowing Tae
he would probably smile through it all so that he didn’t worry anyone.”
“Exactly! It ate away at my mind. I already wasn’t sleeping well or eating
well, I never have, and I was already down on myself.” I moved some food around
on my plate. “When Tae disappeared and I found out about his parents, it was
too much. It was a tsunami of shit that I didn’t know how to deal with and it
all came at me simultaneously; I was already on the precipice of a break down
when he finally showed up again. That night, having to let him go so soon
without warning after hearing his confession and…everything that happened
after.” I exhaled slowly. “It…it broke me. I was already spiraling, but that
little event pushed me past my limit. I fell over the edge.”
“Wow. You really suffered a lot back then, hyung.” He pushed his food around on
his plate. “I thought you just fell apart because you lost him.”
“Yeah, that’s what a lot of people think. People think that depression is like
‘this happened, bam, I have depression’. It’s not like that at all, at least it
wasn’t for me. It was like a snowball effect. It started out with a very small
issue that I couldn't let go of, and then stressor after stressor attached
itself onto that small thing until it was too big to outrun. Tae didn’t cause
anything that happened to me. In fact, he’s the only reason I’m still here, the
only reason I’m still alive and fighting.”
“Wait…you haven't slept in days and you haven’t even taken one bite,” he
pointed at my untouched food. “Is that like a sign…that you’re struggling?”
“You haven’t slept or eaten either.”
“It’s different for me.”
"After everything I said, that’s the part you’re stuck on?” He merely stared at
me. “Ah, you’re very astute, Jungkook.” I chuckled uncomfortably.
“So, you are then? You’re struggling right now? You’re downplaying your shit?”
He punctuated the question with air quotes and I rolled my eyes at the annoying
gesture.
“Jungkook, I wasn’t expecting any of this. It caught me completely off guard,
finding Tae like this. Before I came here I was already having a hard time in
Cali. The fruitless search for him took a toll on me. My work and health
started to suffer so it added even more stress. Then my family, they’re so
concerned all the time; I feel pressured to pretend like everything is okay
because I don’t want to burden them. My phone is constantly ringing, ‘take your
pills’, ‘did you eat?’, ‘you should rest’… it’s a barrage of worry and then I
worry that they’re worried…aish, it gets so frustrating.”
“You have to remember that they only worry because they care.”
“They do, very much. Eomma, for example, puts on this act where her and I go
back and forth just because it helps me to feel like things are normal. All of
the cussing, the insults…it’s all a show so that I don’t worry about them
worrying. It works for the most part.”
“Wow, you’re really lucky that you have so many people who care about you. I
only have Tae…sometimes Jin and Namjoon when I haven’t said or done anything to
piss them off.” He laughed uncomfortably. “I wish I had what you have.”
He looked so sad; begrudgingly I offered, “Well now you have me, too.” I gave
him a smile that was only sixty percent grimace; it was progress. “And that
crazy old bat upstairs and my old man. Your family has doubled, so be grateful
brat.” The things I did for Kim Taehyung.
He beamed at me. “I am…I’m grateful to all of you, hyung.”
I waved him off. “I feel like I’m carrying so much weight all of the time
because of their love for me. And worst of all is my friend, Hoseok…he’s
constantly berating Tae and begging me to give up on him. I can’t talk to him
about anything regarding Tae because he goes off…it pisses me off.”
“Berating him? Bastard,” Jungkook spat harshly. “I don’t have to include him as
a member of my family, do I? Because I low-key kind of hate him already.”
“You shouldn’t, he’s really a good person.”
“I can’t like anyone who would say mean things about an angel like Tae.”
"I totally understand, but in this case I don't blame Hoseok." I sighed. “He
doesn’t have all of the facts and it’s not for a lack of trying. I’m not an
open person so I tend to hold back a lot. He only knows bits and pieces of my
past; he bases his opinions on that.”
“You should really straighten him out then. If I ever heard him…”
“Yeah, he’d end up face down in a shallow desert grave. If I didn’t care about
him I would’ve done it myself, but he really means well; he cares about me…too
much.” I briefly thought of the impending talk I would have to have with
Hoseok, subdued the urge to shudder, then brushed it from my mind. I still
wasn’t ready to face that. “He’s the reason I’m here actually. He suggested a
mini-vacation so that I could decompress; he noticed the signs too. I chose
Vegas because it was close enough that I could get back quickly in case any
developments arose. I’m supposed to be relaxing and gambling, instead I’m knee
deep in more shit.” I pushed my plate away in frustration.
“Eat,” Jungkook said softly. He inched my plate closer to me and stared at me;
I grudgingly stuffed a sausage into my mouth, chewing lazily. “It’ll help you
feel better.”
“Imagine for a second what I'm going through. I finally found Tae after
searching for years, you know? But he’s with you. Then he’s not with you.” I
gave him a pointed look; he gave a bashful grin. “Then we’re together again and
it’s magical and perfect, but we’re not really together. Then I find out all
the shit he’s gone through and it makes all my shit seem like insignificant
shit. And we love each other but we can’t be together. Then I fight you because
you’re an ass but you’re the only one who gets what I’m going through so I feel
really close to you. And now he’s trapped somewhere beyond my reach and I can’t
protect him from whatever he’s facing.” I let my fork drop to my plate and let
my head fall into my hands. “With everything else that’s going on, I feel
fucking useless! I have no choice but to downplay my shit, otherwise I'll
break." I looked at him pleadingly. "Why is it that whenever I’m involved,
everything turns to shit. I’m losing control of my life and I'm losing Tae all
over again…there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” I sobbed into my hands
pitifully. “I’m fucking useless, a waste.”
“Hyung, you have to calm down.” I felt him scoot in next to me and wrap an arm
around me. “Everything will work out, okay? And Tae’s strong, he’ll definitely
be fine. You can't let this break you.”
“I’m trying my best to be strong, but the thoughts have started back up. That I
should give up. That everything would be better if I weren’t here. That
everything bad that happens is my fault,” I cried. “It’s starting again and
Tae’s not here to comfort me or talk me down like he did when we were younger.
I would feel so much better if he would just open his eyes. If I could just
hear his voice…at least that. It wouldn’t magically fix everything, but it
would make it more bearable, right?” I looked at him imploringly. “I need him
to wake up, Jungkook-ah.”
“He will.” He gently patted my shoulder. “But if he wakes up and sees you like
this, won’t he blame himself? You know how his mind works. The last thing you
want to do is make things harder for him, right hyung?”
I paused mid-sob. “Fuck, he would. He’d think my shit was his fault…if he even
remembers what happened the last few days.” I wiped my eyes, sniffling. "How
would my feelings be his fault? He's so stupid."
“He’s an idiot, really.” Jungkook shook his head, “Always taking responsibility
for things he has no control over…trust me, I know it better than anyone. The
best thing we can do is take care of ourselves and be there for him when he
wakes up. You have to be strong for him.”
“I’ve only ever been weak when it comes to him. Just him…” I pushed Jungkook
away gently; he smiled knowingly before going back to his side of the table.
“I’m sorry about that…getting so emotional. Keep in mind that I’m tired and
stressed.”
“And hungry...but it’s okay. We all have our moments, right? It was just your
turn.” He wolfed down a piece of toast and two sausages, avoiding my eyes by
focusing on his food.
“Since when did we switch roles?” He shrugged his shoulders and I took a moment
to regain my composure. He ate in silence as I collected myself. I couldn’t
believe that a little bit more than 48 hours ago, we were trying to kill each
other. Now he was counseling me and supporting me. Leave it to Tae to find
someone so inherently sweet and understanding. I knew now that I had severely
misjudged the guy, but I blamed him for that. If he weren’t such a dick when we
first met, maybe we could have gotten along from the start. “Thanks…you know,
for listening without judging.”
He scoffed. “Me judge you?” He laughed loudly, clutching his stomach. “Yeah,
right. You sure he told you everything about me?”
“Ah…yeah. You’re right.”
He laughed more before settling himself and looking at me seriously. “Just know
that this family thing works both ways, okay? If you need to get shit like that
off your chest, I’m here, okay? Seems like you’re comfortable talking to me, so
I’m here if you need me...if things get too bad.” I stared at him, face blank.
He fidgeted nervously, eyes dropping back to his plate as he muttered an
apology under his breath. “Just thought that we…” He grabbed his fork and
stabbed at his eggs.
“Jeon Jungkook,” he looked up warily, “we are the worst enemies the world has
ever seen, aren’t we?” I smiled brightly at him.
His smile lit up the whole room, eyes reduced to tight lines and bunny teeth
fully displayed; it was very cute. “We really are, Yoongi-hyung. We suck at it
and I think we should give up completely…how about you?” He extended his hand.
I took his hand and shook it firmly without a second thought. “I agree. You
make it hard to hate you, kid. I’m not saying that I’m not still mad at you,
but you’re no longer my rival.” I took another bite of food.
“I don’t know about that…I still want him to pick me over you.”
“Shit…same. Amicable rivals, then?”
“I can work with that.”
I grinned. “Let’s hurry up and finish so we can get back. I want to have some
alone time with him before I leave for Cali, if that’s okay with you.” He
shrugged his shoulders as if it were no big deal; the guy was a fucking saint.
“But Eomma… that predator is going to try to keep him all to herself. She’s
such a hag! If Tae wakes up and sees her first we’ll lose him forever.”
Jungkook nodded. “It’s enough that I have to share him with you, but Eomma Yun
is too much. It’s going to take a team effort to pry her away…or you could just
ask nicely.”
“Nah, I have a plan…
"Ooh, does it involve hitting her over the head to knock her out? Cause I
sooooo volunteer to take that role."
"It's still my mother you know...if anyone is knocking her out it'll be me
first." He burst into laughter. "But that's not a part of the plan...you may
have to act as a decoy.”
“Why me?” I shrugged and he groaned. “Will it hurt much…whatever she does to
me?”
“Only at first, but then you’ll go numb. Be strong, Jungkook-ah. It’s for your
hyung’s sake.”
“Fuck…I think we called a truce too soon.”
“Jungkook-ah…fighting!” I grinned over at him like a madman, shoveling food
into my mouth.
“Shit.” He dropped his fork and sunk down into his seat. “I’m going to die.”
“They say the good die young,” I offered sagely through a mouthful of eggs.
“Who says?”
“They.”
“Well, fuck they.”
“Fuck they indeed.”
                                     *****
We entered the room to find Eomma singing lullabies to Taehyung. Jungkook and I
locked eyes and nodded, determined. “It’s all up to you kid…my life depends on
it.”
“I won’t let you down, hyung. Watch me act my ass off.” His face fell into a
miserable mask of despair. I saw tears pooling in his eyes immediately. He
nodded again and gave me a thumbs up before slowly dragging himself over to my
mother while I hung back trying desperately to contain my laughter. “Eomma
Yun?”
“What?” She looked up annoyed, but when she saw Jungkook’s face she carefully
laid Tae’s head down on a pillow and sprang to her feet. She wrapped an arm
around Jungkook’s waist, dragging him away so that his bad vibes wouldn’t
affect Tae’s recovery; I shook my head in disbelief as I watched. “Are you
okay, love? What’s wrong? Why are you crying, sweetheart?” She wiped away his
tears with her fingers.
“I just feel so bad, seeing him lying there like that. It’s too much.” He
stooped down to bury his face in her shoulder, sobbing loudly.
“Aw…shhh, don’t cry. Poor baby.” She patted his back softly. “We can’t have you
falling apart like this, kid. We have to be strong for Tae, right? What if he
wakes up right now and see you in this state?” Jungkook nodded sadly. “What can
I do? Is there anything that will help you feel better?”
“Well…maybe if I could do something to make him happy when he wakes up. Like if
I got him a gift or something…”
“A gift?” I could see the wheels in her head turning. Comforting a crying kid,
shopping, and potentially making Taehyung happy all at once…it was too good of
an opportunity for her to pass up. “Like what?”
“Maybe a stuffed animal that he could hug? Or a nice shirt? Or some
cosmetics…better yet bath bombs that are soothing, wouldn’t that be good for
him? Or a fluffy blanket to cuddle up with him in.”
“Yeah, they all seem like good ideas,” she said distractedly. I had to stifle
my grin. I could tell she was practically salivating at the idea of buying
Taehyung so many things. “But I can’t leave him. I already left once to get
coffee…”
“I still have a couple of hours before I have to leave for the board meeting,”
I interjected. “Why don’t you two go and I’ll stay with him. I’ll call you
first thing if anything changes, I promise.” She looked at me skeptically. “I,
uh, think it’s a good idea…imagine how wide his eyes would be looking at all
those gifts. And it’ll make Jungkook-ah feel better.” I smiled brightly at her
and she narrowed her eyes at me.
Jungkook grabbed onto her sleeve and tugged lightly. “Please, Eomma Yun.” He
pouted, letting his fake tears run pathetically down his cheeks. “I feel so bad
that there’s nothing else for me to do. I can’t do anything but watch him like
this.” He cried again.
“Okay, okay. Shh…don’t cry. We’ll go shopping together right this minute. It’s
early and stores may not be open, but I can make some calls in the car. Okay.”
Jungkook nodded, smiling brightly. Eomma pinched his cheek before grabbing his
hand and smiling back at him. “C’mon, kid. Let’s spend some cash.” She turned
to me pointing her finger savagely. “If he wakes up and you don’t call me A-
S fucking A-P you’re going to have to change your name to Min Yoonji.” I turned
red and Jungkook’s eyes threatened to pop right out of their sockets as his
mouth hung open. “I will rip it off, understood?”
I scowled. “You’re such an evil hag.”
“Only a rude bastard would call his mother a hag.” She dropped Jungkook’s hand
and walked over to me, sweeping me into her arms and squeezing me tightly.
“Next time, just ask you idiot. Did you have to stoop that low and make the
poor kid cry? Really?”
“Fuck, will I ever get one over on you?” I hugged her back. “By the
way…Jungkook, your acting sucks!”
“You were the brains behind this idiocy, so we were doomed to fail. It's not my
fault. I didn’t even have enough time to prepare. Besides, Tae is the thespian
here.” He wiped his face clean and crossed his arms across his chest defiantly.
“This was the dumbest idea in history when you could have just asked like I
suggested. You’re the absolute worst for making me act like that, hyung. You
owe me big time.”
“Aish, you’re both idiots. And Yoongi it was you who gave it away, smiling at
me like a dumbass. What does my Tae see in either of you?” She shook her head
smiling. “You’re lucky he has such a big heart because the both of you are
clearly charity cases. Neither of you deserve him…jerks.” She grabbed
Jungkook’s arm and dragged him out of the room. “C’mon, Kookie. Let’s go
shopping for my baby.”
“What? I still have to go even though he fucked up-“
Eomma wacked him hard on the back of the head. “Aish, foul-mouthed brat. Don’t
say words like that.”
“Ow…” he whined as Eomma jerked him along by his shirt to the door. “But
Yoongi-hyung says even worse. You don’t slap him upside his head.”
“It’s not worth the effort, he’s too far gone to be saved. You want to follow
that idiot’s example?” She glanced back over her shoulder. “You have one hour,
just one. Then we’ll be back.”
Jungkook was still arguing as the door closed. “But even you say bad words,
Eomma Yun.”
“Shit kid, can’t you tell that I’m a worse role model than Yoongi? I’m trying
to spare you from our fate.”
"This is such bullshit," he still argued as the door slammed shut. I heard a
loud smack and Jungkook screamed, "Ow!"
And then it was just me, Taehyung, and the quiet.
I walked over to the bed where he rested. His face was blank again and his
trembling was minimal. “I’m going to kill you when you wake up for making me
worry like this, brat. But after talking with Jungkook I’m not as scared as I
was before. I know you’re going to come back now, but for a second there…I had
convinced myself that you wouldn’t. It was stupid, I know, but sometimes my
mind goes straight to worst-case scenario. I can’t control it. Now it’s one
less thing I have to worry about.”
I slipped out of my shoes and climbed into the bed. I laid down on my back and
pulled Tae closer, resting his head on my chest while I wrapped an arm around
his shoulders.
“Can you hear me? Wherever you are, can you hear my voice Tae?” Of course, he
didn’t respond. “Even if you can’t I want to say it aloud that I’m here and
that I love you as much as I always have…possibly more. Definitely more. I love
you, so much hubby.”
I saw his eyebrow twitch, otherwise there was no change. I pulled him tight
against me.
“I have to leave soon, love. I don’t want to but that’s life, right? Doing shit
you don’t want to do but have to…comes with being an adult I guess.” I shifted
a bit onto my side and lifted his chin to get a view his perfect face.
“Wow…you’re so fucking beautiful. Even like this. How am I so lucky that I’m
able to be this close to you? Fuck, you’re so out of my league and it’s not
just because of your looks…your heart, your spirit, your love, that’s where
your true beauty lies. You know that, right?” I thumbed gently over his brow.
“I’ll never be good enough for you and we both know it, but you love me anyway.
For some reason my feeble mind can’t comprehend, you actually love me…I’m
really grateful.”
“How am I going to walk out of that door without your hand in mine? How will I
survive saying goodbye to you yet again? I don’t know if I can do it…I’m
scared, love. I’m fucking terrified…about everything.”
“I know it’s cowardly to do this when you can’t answer me, but I feel like I
can be more honest while you’re like this.” I ran my fingers through feathery
crimson. “Min Taehyung…” I smiled softly, “this situation is really fucking
with my head. Seeing you like this, imagining you like this in the future makes
me weak. I worry that I won’t be strong enough to help you when you need me
because I’m damaged too. I’m weak compared to you.”
“I’m dysfunction in the flesh; a walking, talking, breathing pile of ‘nope’ and
I’m the last person you need attached to you. You’ve already been through so
much and the scars, both physical and mental, are going to be with you for a
long time, if not forever. Do you really want to pile my shit on top of your
own shit? Wouldn’t I make life harder for you?”
“There are days that I don’t want to get out of bed, when I can’t look at
myself in the mirror. There are days when I close my blackout curtains, unplug,
and just sit in silence. Sometimes I power off my phone or remove the battery
and go flying just so I can have peace. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.
Sometimes I drink until I pass out. Sometimes I think the world would better
off if I just faded away. How would someone as bright as you, as loving and
giving as you, cope with someone like me? Being with a black hole like me,
wouldn’t that diminish your light? Wouldn’t I just drain you?”
“I want you more than I’ve wanted anything and I’m fighting hard to keep you,
it’s impossible not to try. But since we’ve reunited and reconnected I’ve been
having these thoughts…that you’d be better off with Jungkook. After spending
time with him in such close quarters, I couldn’t avoid bonding with him. He’s a
good kid. Now those thoughts have become concrete beliefs, love. He’s sweet and
kind…a damned good listener. He’s supportive. And even though he’s been through
a lot of shit, he’s still holding it together. Even while you’re like this,
he’s solid. Sure he slipped up a few times, but he always bounces back, right?
He’s strong. He’s so many things that I’m not, that I couldn’t be if I tried.
It’s one of the main reasons I feel like you’re going to choose him. I feel it
in my gut, and I can’t tell whether it’s certainty or fear that’s driving this
belief.”
“I’d love it if you picked me but I’m scared that if you do, once you’re around
me 24/7 you’re going to get tired of me. I’m scared that one day I’m going to
push you too far and I’m going to lose you for good. And I can’t deal…I don’t
even want to think about living without you. I don’t want to think about you
hating me. I don’t want to think about you regretting being with me. And as
much as I try to push these thoughts away, they keep coming back.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I still want us. There’s no one on this planet who will
ever love you more than I do, Tae. If you pick me, I’m going to give you more
love than you can stomach...but with that comes pain. I’m worried about how our
future will play out, that I’ll hurt you in the end. That’s why a microscopic,
miniscule part of me hopes that you don’t choose me. That way I’ll still get
forever with you, even though it wouldn’t be in the way we both want. I’d at
least have you as my friend. At least we’d have our memories, well, the ones
you can remember.”
I pressed my forehead to his, dragging my now tingling arm from under his
shoulders. “Did you hear any of that where you are?” I chuckled lightly, cheeks
flushed from embarrassment. “Hope not because it really shows how weak I am.
I’d hate it if you started to see me as someone who is fragile.” I grasped the
necklace dangling from Taehyung’s neck. “Will we ever get the chance to be
whole, love?” I watched him closely, praying for any reaction…any
acknowledgement that he was there, that he was listening. Nothing. “This is
kind of creepy when you think about it. I’m talking to myself, aloud, touching
you and contorting your body this way and that…if you were to open your eyes
right now, I wonder how you would react.” I giggled, but then a stray thought
took hold of my brain.
“Do you even remember me? That I finally found you after being apart for so
long? There’s no way you’d forget our first date or waking up together, right?”
I frowned. “You wouldn’t forget, right? Not after everything we said, after
everything we did…you wouldn’t.” I could feel the panic building…I closed my
eyes and took a few deep breaths in an effort to regain control. “There’s no
way you would ever forget that morning.”
I pouted at him, worry nearly suffocating me. I had to change the subject
quickly before I fell apart. “At that time I shared one of my fantasies with
you, then you gave me a better one to add to the collection.” I felt my face
heating up as I chuckled against his cheek. “When I told you that I had
millions of fantasies in the bank, it was the truth. What I didn’t say is that
not all of them are like that. Since you are my biggest fantasy, every memory
we’ve made together and all the ones we’ve yet to make are what’s stored in my
head. Every smile, every tear, every kiss…all of them are my fantasies. Even
that time when you gorged on frozen yogurt and got the shits for two days…” I
laughed. “…it’s one of my fantasies too, just because we were together.”
“I told you that all of my fantasies were my favorite…I lied, love. I cherish
all of them of course, but there’s this one…” I laid a hand on his warm cheek.
“Since you won’t hear me, I’ll tell you about it. That way when it happens, if
it happens, you’ll still be surprised.” I flicked his nose and kissed my
favorite mole. “Ready?” I raised my eyebrows as if I were waiting for him to
answer me. “Okay, so it involves the beach, a park picnic, and a cute little
puppy…”
                                     *****
Someone was shaking the hell out of me, pulling at me, but I hugged warmth
tightly and refused to let it go. I felt like if I let it go I would never get
to feel it again, so I intensified my hold and buried my face in deeper.
“Kiddo. It’s time to go.” My mother’s sweet voice broke through and I tried
desperately to suppress the clarity it brought. I wasn’t ready to let go of
him. “Wake up, Yoongs.”
“Ugh…five more minutes.” I buried myself deeper and pressed myself closer.
“Just five more.”
“I’ve already given you two hours. You won’t make the meeting if you stay
longer.”
I sighed heavily. “Just five more.”
“No.” Jungkook’s aggression-tinged voice rang loudly in the room. “Get up,” he
commanded.
My eyes flew open at his tone. When he left earlier we were on good terms, so I
didn't understand why his voice sounded so hostile. It took a few seconds for
the blurriness to subside. I looked over my shoulder to see Eomma and Jungkook
standing over me; he scowled down at me, eyes filled with hurt, his arms folded
across his chest. It wasn’t until then that I noticed how profoundly tangled
together Tae and I were. Our fronts were slotted together, legs interwoven as I
held him tightly in my arms. I remembered submerging myself in his scent before
falling asleep, nose and lips pressed against his pulse point. I’m sure it
looked just as intimate as it was, hence Jungkook’s discomfort and anger.
We had been extremely tolerant of each other’s feelings during this whole
ordeal, not going farther than quick kisses and some hugging when the other was
present. Clearly, I had broken our unspoken agreement to keep affection light.
I unwrapped myself, dragging myself tiredly out of bed. Standing face to face,
I put a hand on his shoulder. “Sorry.” He grunted, stepping around me to take
my spot on the bed. My arm hung limply at my side. I hadn’t meant to hurt the
guy, not after how helpful he’d been.
Eomma put an arm around me, leading me away from the bed. “You ready?”
“Yeah, I already sent my things ahead. All that’s left to do is leave.”
“Good. I’ve arranged for a pilot to take the chopper back, you’re definitely in
no condition to fly.”
“Yeah…” I looked back at Jungkook lovingly speaking to Taehyung. “…you’re
probably right.”
“We’ll take the jet. It’s already getting fueled up, we’ll be there in about an
hour and a half. You’ll have just enough time to get to the meeting from the
airport.”
“Cool.” I was distracted by the pretty picture Jungkook and Tae made. “Let’s
go.” I went back to the bed and grabbed my shoes. “Jungkook-ah…thanks for
everything you’ve done for us, and for Tae. The only reason I can leave is
because I know you’re here to take care of him.”
“There’s no need to thank me,” he replied stiffly. “If it’s for him, I’ll do
anything.”
“Jungkook…” I searched for something meaningful to say; something to let him
know that I understood how he felt and that I was sorry for him seeing what he
saw. But my mouth couldn't form the words that would make him feel better.
While I regretted that he saw it, I didn’t regret that it had happened. We had
a truce, but he needed to remember that we were competitors. “Take care.”
He nodded, not bothering to waste a glance at me. “Get home safe.”
I nodded, which went unnoticed, before meeting Eomma at the door. “We didn’t
exchange info for nothing. Call me as soon as he wakes up, okay kiddo?” Eomma
called out. “Or if you need someone to talk to…matter of fact, I’ll just call
you when I land.” The kid didn’t bother to look over at us. He merely nodded
and continued his whispers to Taehyung.
“Let’s go quickly, Eomma.” I felt like someone had punched a hole through my
chest, squeezing the hell out of my lungs. “Now,” I wheezed. I grabbed her by
the arm and dragged her out of there, not stopping until we were safely
enclosed in the elevator. I felt my fingernails dig into her flesh; she didn’t
make a sound. I tried to draw in a deep breath, but my chest was constricted
and the air came too little too late. I gripped the handrail madly as my
breathing spiked, inhales and exhales rapid and shallow. I heard Eomma’s voice,
but it sounded like she was far away. I choked on the air I tried to breathe in
and started hyperventilating as I panicked. I saw a flash of white before I was
driven down to land heavily on one knee, still clutching the rail.
I felt Eomma wrap her arms around me, and though I couldn’t hear her words I
knew they were meant to comfort. I sagged against my mother as I fought off
hysteria. She held me as I fell apart…again.
Chapter End Notes
     So...Yoonkook. Hmmmm....I feel the stirrings of a friendship. And
     Eomma Yun...omg, she's so gangsta. LOL
     I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Of course, I want to hear your
     thoughts in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you all.
     Next update is Yoongi in Cali and then the next week...Tae finally
     wakes up! See you next Wednesday lovelies. :-*
***** The Hotel California *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi talks to his parents. Yoongi asks Jungkook for a favor;
     Jungkook gives more than is asked of him. Hoseok confronts Yoongi.
Chapter Notes
     Shout out to smoshyphantrash for reminding me that it's
     Wednesday...lol. Sorry. I'm not the type who gets upset when asked to
     update, so if it's Wednesday and you think I've forgotten don't
     hesitate to remind me. And if there is something that may delay the
     update, you guys know I will tell you ahead of time. Teamwork makes
     the dreamwork, right? ;)
     Honestly, during comebacks it's normal for me to completely immerse
     myself in BTS culture; streaming, voting, sharing stuff on Twitter
     and FB, etc. I've only been getting a couple hours of sleep, too busy
     participating in everything. I lost track of my days a long time ago.
     Thank goodness I write ahead because I haven't written a single thing
     since Love Yourself came out.
     The last few chapters have been full of so much sadness. Sorry
     lovelies...this one isn't as bad, I promise. I hope you enjoy it.
     It's back to streaming I go. :)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Yoongi. Sweetheart…” she started, tentatively.
Even though I stared out the window at the clouds, I felt her eyes on me. I had
regained my composure once we were in the air, but my heart wouldn’t let me
forget that with every second the distance between Taehyung and me grew
exponentially. The further away I went, the tighter the constriction dwelling
within my chest grew; the tauter the string tying me to Tae was pulled. I
worried that it would snap and it took every ounce of will power, every reserve
of courage not to dissolve into tears and beg Eomma to turn the jet back.
For him, I had to be strong. I couldn’t afford to fall apart again, not if I
wanted to prove to myself that I wouldn’t be a burden to him; that I could be
someone he could rely on. I had business to conduct first and then I would run
back to him. Always to him…only to him.
“Yoongi, I think I have been quite patient considering the circumstances. You
promised me answers and I won’t stop worrying until you tell me what you know.”
I nervously smoothed my pants. “I know, but I only want to tell it once. We
should wait until we meet up with Dad.”
“It’s a little after one in the afternoon here, which means it’s only 2 a.m. in
Dubai. If he is asleep, he hasn’t been for long. This is important. I didn’t
want to talk about it while we were there…not while he was in that condition.
But I saw.” I frowned at her. “When I sponged him off, I saw his chest. I have
to know what happened to my baby.” She wrung her hands in her lap. “Please
Yoongi. You said it was worse than what we thought. I need to know how much
worse. I need to know, Yoongi. Now.”
I sighed defeatedly. “Fine. Call Appa then,” I resigned. Maybe it was better to
get everything out in the open. Maybe I could finally start moving past it and
stop blaming myself for what happened to him.
She was dialing before I even finished, hitting the speakerphone button before
gripping the cellphone tightly in her hands. Appa picked up before the first
ring finished.
“Yun…what the hell is going on? I’ve been calling for days now. Is it really
him? Did you find our Tae? How’s Yoongi? Is he okay? Are you okay? Why aren’t
you answering me? Yun? Yun!”
“Honey…I…” I noticed the trembling lip and the tapping foot. She had reached
her limit.
I reached out and put a consoling hand on her knee to calm her. “It’s okay,
Eomma. I’ll take over.” She looked at me, nodding mournfully.
“Yoongi? Son…what’s happening? First I get a call from your mom about you
possibly regressing, then I get a voicemail saying that she did a video call
with Taehyung and was on her way to meet the both of you. Then I couldn’t reach
either of you for the last couple of days. Is it true? Have you really found
him? It’s really our Taehyung?”
“Yes. Appa, it’s really him this time. I’m okay, Eomma is as okay as expected
in a situation like this. And Tae…he’s…” I took a deep breath to calm myself.
“He’ll be fine.”
“Good…that’s good son. I was so worried after the voicemail that I booked the
next flight out of Dubai. I’ve been waiting here at your house…”
“I’m sorry, Appa. I didn’t mean to make you worry but there were unavoidable
circumstances. As a matter of fact, the reason I’m calling is because there are
things I need to tell you and Eomma. Things about Taehyung.”
“Okay, I’m all ears, son.”
“It’s a short story, but it’s really complicated. I wanted to wait until we
were face to face, but Eomma grew impatient with worry and refused to wait and
I refuse to tell this story more than once. Please let me get it all out first
before asking any questions. If I stop, I don’t think I’ll be able to continue.
Okay?”
“Sure, whatever you say,” he replied as my mother nodded bravely.
So, I began. I gave him a quick run through of how Tae and I met and the
aftereffects of our reunion. I told him everything up until I found out about
Tae’s past. “Now this next part is very hard to repeat and to hear, just bear
with me.” I told them about the measures Taehyung’s grandfather took to prevent
anyone from finding him before easing them into the abuse…into the torture. I
watched my mother’s face contort into a mask of pain and disbelief, eyes stormy
and wide with her mouth frozen in a terrifying grimace as tears streamed
silently down her cheeks. I couldn’t tell how my father reacted as he listened
in solemn silence. I recounted the experiences that Taehyung shared with me,
the ones he could remember.
“Enough…I can’t. I don’t want to hear the rest,” Eomma begged, clutching her
stomach. “I…I think I’m going to be sick.” I watched knowingly, sadly, as she
unbuckled and sprinted off to the bathroom.
“Appa?”
“He lived through it, the least I can do is hear it all until the end,” he said
miserably.
I told him the rest.
                                     *****
I gripped Eomma’s quaking hand as we deplaned. Her face was sheet white, eyes
bloodshot and swollen. She looked around the tarmac like she had just escaped
the nine circles of hell and everything around her was a threat that could send
her back there. I recognized it because I had been exactly where she was now,
the night I found out. Some part of me was still trapped there. The things that
happened to Tae weren’t things you could push aside or stifle; they lingered.
They burrowed into the recesses of your mind and popped up at unpredictable
times just to remind you how devastating they were…how fucked up the world was.
It was the reason why I couldn't stand being away from him, even though it had
been mere hours. I couldn't escape his past, and now Eomma and Appa would have
to suffer right along with me.
While valets scrambled to grab our luggage, I let out a sigh of relief to see a
car waiting for us. That relief slowly twisted into anxiety as a familiar man
stepped out of said car, running towards us. Impeccably dressed and wearing a
brilliant smile that competed with the golden orb riding the sky, Hoseok bowed
low to my mother and formally greeted her. She merely stared at him, leaving
the man flustered and obviously uncomfortable.
He turned his attention towards me after receiving nothing from Eomma. “Yoongi-
hyung, welcome home.” He hugged me, unintentionally forcing me to let go of my
mother’s hand, before patting me on the shoulder affectionately; I grit my
teeth.
I knew I should have been happy to see Hoseok; glad that my friend was there to
meet me. But I had just hung up with my sobbing father, a man I had never seen
shed a single tear. Eomma looked like she would crack at any second. And me, I
was holding on to sanity by a thread; this was the last place I wanted to be.
Then there was Hoseok smiling like nothing was wrong; like life for my mother,
father, and me wasn’t utterly wrecked. I wished that I could make him
disappear.
He had no idea what we were going through as a family, I knew it and I was
completely irrational, but I felt anger that he could smile like that when I
couldn’t. How could I when I had just relived Tae’s torture in my head and
heart? How could I when the tug had only strengthened since I landed? At this
point it was downright painful to be this far away from Tae without knowing his
condition. Lastly, sharing Tae’s journey had invoked and strengthened those
thoughts of my culpability for what happened to him. The last thing I wanted to
see was a smiling, worry-free Hoseok. Not when I felt like the world was
ending.
“Yoongi, you go ahead to the meeting with Hoseok.” Her voice was hollow and
broken. “I’m going to get a taxi over to your place…meet up with Seung Gi. I’m
not…it’s going to take some time. For both of us.”
I nodded, understanding exactly what she meant even though it was unspoken.
“Nah, you take the car. I’ll get a taxi.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek
before turning to Hoseok. “I need you to stay with her, make sure she gets to
my place safe and sound. Then meet me at the office.”
Hoseok’s smile dimmed by more than a few degrees. “But…”
“Just do it. I’ll see you later.” I briskly walked away, ignoring the lingering
look he cast my way. I needed space to clear my head. I knew Hoseok wouldn’t
give me the quiet I so desperately needed, so I had no choice but to ditch him.
I had to regain control of myself before the meeting.
                                     *****
I paced back and forth in my office, shades drawn, staring at the object on my
desk. I felt jittery, like I would shake myself to pieces. I wanted to hear his
voice, see his face. I would feel better if just for a second…
I lunged for the phone and scrolled frantically for Jungkook’s contact. I just
needed to hear that he was okay. That he was still breathing, heart still
beating. That he was safe. I listened to the phone ring, anxiety building as I
waited on bated breath.
“Yoongi-hyung? Damn, I really thought Eomma Yun would call first.”
The words caught in my throat. I could feel the constriction in my chest
tightening, the threat of asphyxia looming as panic built. My limbs froze and I
sputtered pathetically; I couldn’t speak as I braced myself for bad news. Maybe
Tae had taken a turn for the worst and he had to go to the hospital. Maybe
Jungkook realized it would be easy enough to snatch Tae and hide him away
somewhere, keep him all to himself. If he didn’t remember me there would
nothing I could do. I would lose him again. Or maybe he was awake already and
remembered everything…but he didn’t want me. What if he decided he didn’t even
want my friendship? What if…
“Yoongi-hyung, can you please stop shouting those silent worries at me? Fuck,
he’s fine.”
Relief flooded my body. My limbs loosened, as well as the knot trapped beneath
my rib cage. I breathed loudly, heavily into the phone. “Junkgook-ah. He’s…he’s
okay? You wouldn’t lie to keep me from worrying, right?”
He scoffed. “As if I care enough to go through all of that trouble. Nothing’s
changed in the few hours you’ve been gone. He’s still asleep, still dreaming.”
“Is he still having nightmares?”
“I’m not sure. He’s lying here silently, unmoving. You would think he’s resting
peacefully if he weren’t wearing that expression.”
“Which one?”
“The one that looks like he just put on fresh socks, but then stepped in
something wet. Or sticky. Or both.”
“Ah, I know that one well. He’s disgusted by something. I wish he would wake up
soon. I just want to hear him say that he’s fine. That’s all I want.”
“Me too.”
“I’m sorry for disturbing you, Jungkook. I just…had a moment. I’m good now
though, so thanks for putting up with my bullshit.”
“No problem, hyung. Don’t worry so much, I’m here. I’ll keep him safe.”
I nodded though I know he couldn’t see it. The reassurance that he was fine was
one thing, but still I felt wary. “Jungkook, before I go…could you do me a huge
favor? It may seem strange…”
“Hyung, our whole situation is strange.”
“Right…” I sighed. “Could you hold the phone up close to his face? Just so that
I can hear him breathing; so that I know he’s really there.”
“Wow, you’re really stressed, huh?”
“You have no idea. Please? I’m tired and anxious and I don’t want to be here. I
just need to hear him, please.”
“Ugh, you’re an annoying hyung. Demanding too. You owe me double.”
“Whatever…”
“Especially after the stunt you pulled before you left, jerk.”
“Fuck, fine! I owe you double, big time. I don’t have much time left before my
meeting and all I can think about is him. I’m begging you, it’ll put me at
ease.” There was a pregnant pause before I heard nearly indiscernable wisps of
wind escaping from what I assumed to be his perfect nose. He was there. He was
there and he was safe and Jungkook would keep him that way.
“There. Like I said, he’s fine. Have you had a chance to rest yet? I’m not
asking because I’m worried about you, but because he’d be pissed if he found
out you aren’t taking care of yourself, you know?”
“Nah…during the flight I had a long talk with Eomma and Appa. I told them
everything…”
“Everything?” He whispered ‘fuck’ and I know if I could see him he would be
brushing his bangs back in frustration. “Shit, no wonder she didn’t call.”
“Yeah. They’re pretty much doing the same thing I did, blaming themselves for
not being there.”
“I get it now. You’re triggered, right? Having to face Tae’s past again, it’s
weighing on you.”
“Shit, kid. Stay the fuck out of my head.” He chuckled. “It’s not that bad, I
promise. I’m about to take my meds and then meditate for the next ten minutes.
And after the meeting I’m going straight home to try and get some sleep. I
promised Tae I wouldn’t hurt myself, so I’m going to let go of my stubbornness
for once. I’ll medicate, rest, and eat.”
“Good. I’ll call you as soon as he wakes up.”
“I’d really appreciate that. Get some rest yourself, too, okay? Tae would be
just as pissed at you. And thanks a lot, Jungkook-ah.”
“Take care, Yoongi-hyung. I’m gonna call and check on Eomma Yun first before I
settle down for a nap.”
I smirked. “Ah…she’s grown on you, yeah? Haha, you’re whipped for my mom.”
His voice raised I don’t know how many octaves. “Do you have any idea how
perverted that sounds? Why would you say something like that?”
I laughed. “You know what I mean.”
“Ugh…later.”
“Later, Jungkook-ah.” I smiled down at the blank screen. Talking to the man-
child really helped set my mind at ease. I liked the brat a lot.
I sat the phone on the desk and dug around in my desk to find my pill case. I
dry swallowed my daily dosage before grabbing my yoga mat from its spot in the
corner. As I spread it out in the center of the floor, my phone started buzzing
uncontrollably. I hurried over to find several notifications from Jungkook.
Curious, I scrolled down to the first one.
Musclebunnyman: Seeing is even better than hearing, right? Next time you
struggle, look at these instead. Feel better, hyung! ;)
I went to the next message…my eyes were blessed with the sight of burrito
Taehyung lying in the hotel bed, snugly wrapped in the sheets and blankets.
Jungkook sat next to him throwing peace sign at the camera. Even if I weren’t
alone, I would have cooed like an idiot at the cuteness. And though Tae wore a
frown in the picture, he was the most adorable thing I had ever seen.
I hurriedly went to the next: a wide-eyed, grinning Taehyung holding a knife
and fork, staring down the largest stack of pancakes topped with strawberries I
ever saw.
The next: a side view of deep in concentration Taehyung as he pored over notes,
lip caught firmly between his teeth and glasses nearly dangling from his nose.
The next: Taehyung seated in a booth in a café holding a steaming cup of what
looked like cocoa, unaware of the whipped cream on his nose, staring
quizzically at the camera.
There were so many; Taehyung in different settings with different expressions.
My cheeks hurt from the fixed smile on my face. It was official; Jungkook was a
fucking saint…my savior. I shot him a quick text to thank him for being so
gracious and understanding, he replied with 'Fuck U. U owe me big, like
donating kidneys big'. I smiled as I settled down on the mat, phone clutched in
my hands. Presently, a scarf and beanie clad Taehyung holding a miniature
snowman in his gloved palm while smiling excitedly at the camera occupied the
screen.
I closed my eyes and started my breathing exercises, letting tranquility fill
me. I would be okay. I held onto the phone as I meditated.
                                     *****
I greeted each board member before they exited, shaking hands and smiling. I
even held short conversations, asked how their families were, and told them to
get to their next destinations safely. Most were taken aback by my
friendliness, unaccustomed to me being social. But the more I talked the more
they warmed up to me. It was hard not to be infectious when I had happiness
tucked safely away in my pocket. Kim Taehyung was my own personal mood
elevator.
When the room emptied, I settled into one of the plush, leather chairs and took
out my phone. I was curious to see what other treasures Jungkook had sent. I
stared transfixed at my screen, so absorbed with the pictures that I didn’t
hear when the door closed as someone entered the room.
I focused on downloading each picture, planning a slideshow wallpaper for my
screen. I was pondering whether I wanted the slideshow to be random or in a
specified order when the phone was snatched from my hand.
“And just what are you staring at so intensely, Boss?” he asked playfully as I
leapt to my feet. He smiled as I glared at him. He took one look at the screen,
face falling as recognition sunk in. Lips set in a firm line, he offered, “Him,
right?” I nodded. “Cute.” He handed the phone back to me, blank faced. “I came
to ask if you wanted to have a late lunch with me.”
“As much as I would love to, I have to get home and rest. I haven’t slept much
in the past couple of days and I really need to recharge before heading back to
Vegas.”
“But you just got back,” he whined. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,
Yoongs. You haven’t called, we haven’t talked much at all. I’ve missed you.”
I felt bad that once again I was behaving like a shitty friend. I smiled
brightly at him. “I know, I missed you too. But I really need to be there right
now.”
He sneered. “For him, right.”
“Yes. He needs me.”
“What about me, then? Don't I need you, too?” His face flushed. “I know you
said we would go to dinner and talk, but I can’t wait that long. When you said
we would make things right between us, I hoped that you meant you were
willing…” he trailed off.
Shit, that was exactly what I had been afraid of. “Willing to do what exactly,
Hoseok?” I asked nervously. I was so unprepared for this conversation, yet here
he was forcing the issue. I didn’t want to break his heart, but there was no
way I would ever return his affection. I felt nothing but friendship for him.
He was kind, sweet, supportive, and very handsome…but he was not Taehyung. My
heart only had one setting and even if I could change it, I wouldn’t. Kim
Taehyung was who I loved, the only person I wanted.
“Willing to give us a shot. I thought you were ready to explore this thing
between us.”
I sighed heavily, resigning myself to candor. I wanted to keep our friendship,
but I had to be assertive about my true feelings. I didn’t want to allow any
room for misinterpretation. “There is nothing between us other than friendship.
I love you, Hobi, but only as a friend. Like a brother. There isn’t anything
remotely romantic about my feelings towards you. When I said I wanted to make
things right, I meant being a better friend to you. That’s it.”
He shook his head adamantly. “I don’t think that’s it. Think about it, Yoongi.
I’m the only person you let get close to you. You trust me with your innermost
thoughts and fears. I’m the person you call to come over at 3 a.m. when you
can’t sleep because my voice calms you. You introduced me to your parents. We
go on dates for fuck’s sake!” he yelled.
“They’re not dates, Hoseok. Friends hang out together.”
“We’re not just friends, Yoongi. I can feel it in every hug, every touch, every
word, every look...you love me, too. Maybe you haven't realized it yet, but
you’ve been giving me signals for years.”
“When have I ever?” I asked, completely affronted. I had never given him any
indication that I wanted more than a friendship. “Hoseok…I think you were
seeing something that you wanted to see. I don’t like you in that way. And I’m
starting to think that continuing our friendship might be a bad idea.”
He gasped loudly. “Really? You would throw away all of our years together for
some guy who ignored your existence for ten years?”
My fists clenched. “Hoseok, tread lightly,” I warned as he crossed his arms
defiantly across his chest. “I understand you’re very much in your feelings
right now, but I’m dealing with my own shit. I’m just regaining some semblance
of control, of peace, and this conversation is fucking up all my effort. I
don’t know how to put it so that you’ll accept it. I’m being totally honest
here. I’ve never felt anything besides friendship for you. I appreciate
everything you’ve done for me. But I’m not in love with you, hell, I’m not even
in like with you. There are no fuzzy feelings or infatuation here, nothing.
You’re good to talk to, I like being around you, and you’re very supportive.
You’re dependable. You’re a good friend.” I walked over and patted him lightly
on the shoulder. “It may be hard for you to accept it, to hear it, but Hoseok
that’s all you’ll ever be to me. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the way you feel.”
As I walked away, I felt his hand wrap tightly around my wrist and yank me
back. I stumbled into his chest as lean arms locked me in place. I grimaced,
angrily trying to extricate myself from his embrace without hurting him as he
stared down at me with heart filled eyes. I didn’t love him, but I still cared
about him. The last thing I wanted to do was hit him.
“If you don’t feel the same way, then this should be nothing right?”
Time stopped. I watched in abject horror as his lips moved closer and
closer…and then they were resolutely, firmly attached to mine.
Fuck.
Chapter End Notes
     It wasn't as sad, right? I want to hug the entire Min family and
     cover them in love and warmth. I adore how they consider Tae family.
     It's so sweet. And I think it's safe to say that Jungkookie is back
     to his normal, caring self. (Or is he?) Ah, the ending is a bit
     ambiguous. Was it a good fuck or a bad fuck? Do you guys think Yoongi
     has feelings for Hoseok too, but is unaware? Meet me in the comments.
     I'll be waiting there, lol.
     Next week:
     Chapter 41 - What Could Have Been
     Jungkook is tested and tempted when Taehyung finally wakes up.
     EDIT: So I just went and read through the next chapter and now I
     think I should post the conclusion to this one first. What do you
     guys think? There's two chapters between them and it might fit the
     timeline better to move it up. So up next might be:
     Chapter 41: To Covet...To Beguile
***** To Covet...To Beguile *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi and Hoseok discuss their feelings; Yoongi's parents share some
     hidden truths. Taegikook is sabotaged.
Chapter Notes
     I am grieving.
     I started writing this fic on hubby's laptop because mine was on the
     fritz. During Hurricane Irma, hubby had mine repaired (he whined like
     a baby because I took his over) and so I had to put the fic on a
     flash drive to move it to my laptop. All was well and good...until
     late last night. I blame the lack of sleep I've been getting. It's 3:
     09 a.m., I'd just said goodbye to the YT streamers and I went to hard
     save the fic because I had written a bit yesterday. Unfortunately
     there was one saved to E:/ and one saved to My Docs...my mind was so
     foggy that I didn't pay attention enough to recognize which one was
     the one I updated. So, I just took a chance on one and clicked saved.
     It asked if I wanted to overwrite the file and I was in the process
     of clicking when my mind yelled out, NO! I mistakenly overwrote the
     one I had been working on and replaced it with one that hadn't been
     updated since September 21. Fuck me!
     In the end, I lost 40,000 words....four and a half chapters. This
     chapter and the chapter that follows it was in its rawest form and
     there was nothing after it. I cried like a baby as I googled ways to
     fix it. I downloaded recovery tools to undo the overwrite, I tried
     file recovery through Windows to no avail. It was just gone. By the
     time I accepted defeat, the sun was coming up and it was time to get
     the kiddies off to school. I spent all day trying to remember the
     changes I made to make this shit readable, but again...no sleep had
     me struggling. Thank goodness I had a tab open for MRoMHP; I was able
     to copy and paste the beginning from the comments. The majority of
     this was written today and it ended up where it was supposed to, but
     I feel like something is missing. Oh well...shit happens I guess. LOL
     I've lost my entire stockpile though. So now in addition to
     everything else I'm doing, I have to buckle down and rewrite. At
     least I know where the story went, so that's good. But my rhythm is
     fucked; I can't create new chapters until I replace the lost ones.
     Lessons I learned: SLEEP! Never have two versions of the same story.
     Backup the damned fic every time I update it. Don't be such a fucking
     idiot. xD
     Sweet dreams lovelies...I'm gonna try and sleep for at least 6 hours.
     :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
He pulled away with his eyes still closed, the picture of serenity while I
stared up at him shaken. He ogled me, the love in his eyes unmistakable,
impossible to ignore. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he
said happily, in a husky voice. He lifted my chin, smiling that bright smile he
wore so well. The smile that helped get me through a lot of dark days. The
smile that could set me at ease and fill me with warmth. The smile that I
loved. “Yoongi, I love you.”
He said it with such emotion, such sincerity that for a second I lost the
ability to form coherent thoughts. “You…you love me? You kissed me?” I couldn’t
wrap my head around what had happened. So many feelings flooded me all at once
and I felt the anxiety that I had successfully staunched before the meeting
surging to the forefront again. It was duller this time, thanks largely to the
meds, but still I felt it poking its way through.
“I do and I did. Now I need to hear from you. How do you feel?” He looked at me
expectantly, waiting for some grand declaration of my returned affection. “You
love me too, right?” There was only one action I could take…one thing I could
do to let him know exactly how I felt.
“I…shit Hoseok, I think it’d be best to show you,” I stammered, trembling
uncontrollably in his arms. My pulse raced at a maddening pace as my heart
fluttered crazily beneath my ribcage, blood boiling in my veins and fingers
itching to make contact. I could feel control slipping slowly away as my body
hungered to correspond. This was Hoseok. He was my best friend. But these
feelings...I couldn't hold them back, not now. Not after this. I was eager,
desperate even, to let him know how I felt about his confession, about that
kiss. I took a step back to look up at him, he was only an inch or so taller
than me. I smiled at him brightly and he returned it as I clutched the front of
his shirt and drew his face down to my level…
I drove my fist into his face, smiling menacingly as the I watched the
sappiness dissipate quickly and instead contort from the pain. I watched him
fall to his knees, hand tenderly supporting his jaw as rage consumed me.
“There. Was that clear enough for you?” I asked, sarcastically. “You bastard!
How dare you do something like that without my permission!”
“What? Yoongi…why?” he spluttered as his mouth slowly filled with blood. “How
could you hit me?” He tugged his pocket square from its place and held it up to
his bleeding mouth.
The jerk. He’s lucky I held back some of my strength. He could be choking on
his own teeth right now. “How could you kiss me?” I let go as my fury boiled
over. “Do you have any fucking idea what you just did? How royally you have
fucked me? It was the one thing I still had, my fidelity. But you fucking stole
that from me and now I have nothing left to offer him! Shit, I can't even
compete...”
He fought his way upright and stared at me like I had lost my mind. “You’re not
making sense at all. Why are you acting like this? Why did you hit me?”
“Are you serious? You don’t have a single, solitary idea, an inkling why I
would punch the man who kissed me against my will while I’m trying frantically
to win back the only person I’ve ever been in love with? You have no fucking
clue why I’m so pissed?” I asked in disbelief.
“What?” He looked utterly confused. “But I thought…”
“Whatever it is you thought, whatever twisted little fairytale you dreamed up
in that fucked up mind of yours, it was wrong. Like I said, I don’t share your
feelings. I’m not remotely attracted to you, nor am I interested in a romantic
relationship with you. And now I’m not certain that want your friendship.”
“Yoongi,” he pleaded miserably. “Okay, maybe I overstepped and I shouldn’t have
kissed you. I’m sorry, I really am, for making you uncomfortable. But I don’t
regret what I did. I just wanted to do something to jolt you, to make you
realize that you liked me.” He made a grab for my sleeve, but I jerked away.
“No, you selfishly wanted to impose your will on me. If you were really my
friend you would have respected my wishes and not forced yourself on me,” I
spat angrily. “Does it look like it worked? Do I sound like I’m head over
fucking heels for you? No. I’m angry, Hoseok. I’m so fucking angry right now
that it’s taking everything in me not to have another go at your stupid fucking
face!”
“I understand that I went too far, but I don’t get why you’re so angry. If it
was just a kiss and you don’t have any feelings for me, why does it even
matter? Why are you so angry?”
“Because now I’m a fucking liar and a cheat and it’s all your fucking fault
because you can’t keep your stupid fucking lips to yourself!” I looked at him,
feeling beyond betrayed. “Why couldn’t you have done it a month ago? Or a year
ago? Two years, five…fuck! I would have given you the same answer then as now,
but at least I would have been able to tell Tae before recommitting to him.
Fuck!”
He rolled his eyes dramatically. “Somehow you manage to make this about him.
It's always about fucking Taehyung! Why? What is it about this guy? What makes
him so goddamned special?”
“He’s him! He was born!” I yelled, gesturing wildly. “That’s all it took for me
to fall, that’s why he’s so special. He’s all I want, everything I ever needed.
No one else exists to me, Hoseok, just him.”
He looked at me skeptically. “You mean to tell me you feel nothing for me? That
the kiss did nothing?”
I advanced on him, fists balled and ready to connect with his stupid face
again. “The only purpose that kiss served was proof that I never felt anything
like that for you. And it made me see you for what you really are, a selfish,
pushy asshole. Oh, and it also made me into a fucking liar, but you don’t give
a shit about that because you’re only thinking of your own feelings.”
“And you’re only thinking about his feelings! What about me? Yoongi, I don’t
understand your relationship with him, why you’re so hellbent on being with
him,” he cried. “From what I’ve seen, he’s been nothing but trouble for you.
He’s poison and I don’t understand why you’re so set on him as the one. How am
I supposed to when you won’t tell me what’s going on? I know you love him, I
get it…”
“No, you don’t get it. You don’t get it at all, Hoseok, and you never will. You
know why? Because you can’t fucking recognize love when you see it. I’m in love
with him! I love only him! If you knew that, you wouldn’t have been able to
confuse what you and I have as anything more than friendship.”
“Our closeness, our connection, Yoongs…that’s not something that can be
mistaken!” he yelled confidently.
"Obviously, it can be."
“You’re too stubborn to admit that we are so much more than just friends.”
“No, you’re too stubborn to admit that we are not. You’re not looking at the
full picture, choosing only to see that which supports your belief. I’m not
interested in you, never have been. From the time I was five, all I could see,
all I’ve ever been able to see, was him.”
“Maybe that’s your problem. You’re only looking at him so you can’t even see
that I’m a better match for you…anybody would be a better match for you than
him.”
“Taehyung and I took vows, we made promises to each other. The entire time we
were apart I kept those vows. It felt so good to be able to tell him that; I
was so proud to tell him that nothing had changed between us. That his lips
were the last mine tasted, that his body was the last my hands touched. I
stayed true to him, I kept my promise for ten years and you ruined it in less
than ten seconds.” I sank into a nearby chair. “Most importantly, even if I
hadn’t taken those vows, I wouldn’t be interested in you. I’ve never felt an
attraction to anyone other than him. If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t be with
anybody. Not romantically, at least. It’s not him that’s preventing me from
being with you…it’s me. Believe me when I say that I don’t want you.”
He looked at me, clearly affronted. “That’s bullshit. Pure bullshit, hyung.”
But I wasn’t paying attention to him anymore; as a matter of fact, Hoseok
disappeared while thoughts of Taehyung swamped my muddled mind. He had already
expressed his jealousy once, what would he say about this mess? My steadily
building anxiety had reached new heights as worry after worry battered my
brain. “He’s going to be mad, but fuck, I can’t lie to him,” I said to myself.
“How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell him that I waited until
after I found him to kiss someone else? I can imagine how he’s going to look at
me, what he’ll think.” My hands flew to my hair, tugging nervously at the
strands. “After everything I said to him, fuck, it’s all ruined. What if he
thinks I lied about my relationship with Hoseok? What if he doesn’t believe me?
What if I lose him for good this time? I broke my vows…shit, I broke my promise
to him.”
Hoseok’s voice was white noise, a mere backing track to my suffering. “You keep
saying that you took vows…it’s news to me. Last thing I heard your so-called
love was shacked up in a hotel room with some guy named Jeon Jungkook. Or is it
a different Taehyung we’re speaking of? A faithful, truthful Taehyung who
actually deserves this level of devotion? Not some slut.”
And just like that, the bastard had my full attention again. I shot out of my
seat. “You dare to…you have the fucking nerve to talk about him like that?
After what you just did?”
“What I just did? As if a kiss is worse than anything he’s probably done with
the prostitute he’s shacking up with.” My mouth dropped open and took a few
steps back to prevent myself from leaping upon him and beating the life from
his body. “You thought I didn’t know? You thought I wouldn’t be just as
invested in finding out exactly what this Taehyung has been doing while you
were separated? I’m determined to protect you, no matter the cost…even if it’s
from yourself. That’s why I…” I looked at him sharply waiting for him to finish
whatever he was about to say. For the first time it looked like he was nervous.
Whatever it was he let it die. “Look at what being involved with these two does
to you. You’ve turned on the one person who’s always had your back, who’s loved
you unconditionally, and for what? A cheat and a slut. They are--”
“Fuck off, Hoseok.” I said it as calmly as possible. I couldn’t hold myself
back anymore. “Fuck off and get out! You’ve gone too far. I don’t want to look
at you anymore. I don’t want to hear you or see you. We’re done. As friends and
professionally, it’s over for us. Swallow whatever poison you’re about to spew
about my Taehyung or Jeon Jungkook and get the fuck out. I told you to know
your place. I warned you not to push, not to speak about him like that.”
“Why can’t I, Yoongi? Is it because you can’t face the truth? Nothing I’ve said
has been to purposely slight Taehyung; I’m given you nothing but facts.” He
chuckled darkly. “I find it laughable that you’re going all white knight for
these people when you don’t even know them. Taehyung has been gone for ten
years and you claim to know him so fucking well, yet you didn’t know he’d
tossed you aside? You don’t even know if Jungkook is the first or just one in a
lengthy line of many. But no, I can’t speak on that because you want to protect
him for some reason beyond my comprehension. Then there’s this Jeon Jungkook, a
literal stranger to you, yet I can’t call him what he is—a fucking whore!
You’re protecting a whore!” He had the nerve to glare at me like I was the one
who had done something wrong. “Neither of them deserve anything from you, but
you can’t spare a fucking morsel of remorse for your best friend, the person
who has been supporting you the entire time he was gone!” he yelled. “Taehyung
cheated on you. Jungkook stole him from you, and here you stand defending them
while attacking me! I saved your fucking life and I don’t matter?”
I shook my head. “Throwing that in my face isn’t going to make me go easy on
you, especially after the shit you just said. I’m grateful that you saved me
and I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me, but it doesn’t make me
obligated to you. I don’t have to return your feelings and I for damn sure
don’t have to put up with unwanted advances from you. I’ve ignored a lot of
shit from you, particularly whenever we discussed Taehyung, because I had a
soft spot for you. But I can’t let something like this slide.”
“What about some compassion? I just poured my heart out to you, confessed my
deepest feelings to you and instead of letting me down gently you’re stomping
all over my heart here, Yoongi. You’ve hit me, you’ve treated me callously and
for what? Some guy who betrayed you. You’re supposed to be my friend…my best
friend.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “And you’re supposed to be mine, yet you threw all
of that away because you’re a self-centered jerk who can’t accept rejection. If
you would’ve kept your heart, your lips, and your venomous words to yourself,
we wouldn’t have an issue, now would it we? You don’t know dick about Taehyung
or Jungkook beyond what you’ve read on paper…”
“Trust me, I know enough. And the shit I don’t know is because you won’t
fucking tell me!”
“I shouldn’t have to tell you. If I were my friend you would respect me. You
would trust me.”
“And you would be open with me if you were my friend! You’re so fucking
frustrating, Yoongi! Fuck!” He whirled away angrily, back turned. He tried to
regain his composure, hands on his hips as he regulated his breathing. I wanted
nothing more than to knock out a few of his teeth. “Despite your harsh words,
despite you trying to break my jaw, I know you still care about me. You’re
angry right now, but you’ll cool off and we can talk things through then. So
that we can drop this for now, I’ll admit that I could have handled things
better, but I won’t apologize. Not for letting you know how I feel, not for
kissing you.”
“Even though it was against my will and it will hurt the person I love most in
the world?” I challenged him.
He rounded on me heatedly. “I don’t give a shit about him!” he yelled. “This is
about you and me, Yoongs. You’re angry, and understandably so. I pushed too
hard, but what’s done is done and I can’t take it back. Even though I can’t
have you as a lover, I don’t want to lose our friendship…not over something
like this. I care about you. I love you, Yoongi.”
I shook my head. “I don’t see how we can possibly move forward from this. I
don’t trust you anymore. And you disrespect people I care about…people I love.”
“After everything we’ve been through together, after everything I’ve done, I’ve
earned my spot by your side!”
“Everything you’ve done?” I shook my head in disbelief at his entitled
attitude. How had I never seen this side of him before? “It’s not about what
you did to earn it, it’s about what you did to lose it. Yes, I’m angry…it
doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want. For what you did, for what you stole
from me…I hate you. I really hate you. Maybe if you were remorseful, maybe if
you recognized the gravity of what you’ve done to me I could forgive you…in
time. But you refuse to even see it, you refuse to hear me because you can’t
look beyond what you want.”
“What’s so bad about wanting to be with you?”
“Absolutely nothing, Hoseok. There’s nothing wrong with feeling how you feel, I
even accepted your confession and turned you down gently because you were my
friend. The problem is that you heard my words, but you weren’t listening. You
tried to force me to feel what you feel. You kissed me without permission. You
insulted people who are important to me. And now you’re throwing a tantrum
because your gamble didn’t pan out. That’s the trouble with gambling though;
someone has to lose. This time, it’s you. I’ll miss you as a friend, but I
can’t forgive you. We’re done.” I stormed out of there as he cried out my name,
begging me to come back. I didn’t spare him a second glance, a second thought.
My friendship with Hoseok was already a distant memory by the time I walked out
of the building.
                                     *****
I could hear Eomma still crying softly and Appa trying to soothe her as I
entered my condo. I kicked off my shoes and headed straight to the kitchen to
pour a drink, but ended up taking a long draught directly from the bottle. I
had no qualms about taking the bottle with me into the living area. I fell into
the overstuffed leather armchair, the bottle dangling loosely from my grip;
Appa sat on the sofa, Eomma lay with her head in his lap.
“Bad day?” Appa asked, frowning slightly after noticing the bottle.
“Something like that.”
“Not too much, okay?”
“I won’t. Just needed to take the edge off.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really, but I’m supposed to share at times like this.” I took a deep
breath as Eomma fought to calm herself, sitting up and looking done with
everything. “Hoseok and I aren’t friends anymore. I think I also fired him, but
I’m not really sure if he understood how serious I was.”
“What? I thought you two were close?” He sounded shocked. Eomma on the other
hand turned up her nose before frowning. “What happened?”
“He confessed to me today. It was shit timing already, but then he wouldn’t
take no for an answer. He held me so I couldn’t get away and kissed me.”
“Oh…well.” He struggled to find words. “Well, men do stupid things when they’re
in love. Maybe he thought it would be romantic.”
“He did so after I made it very clear that I did not share his feelings. And we
could’ve moved past it…if he had picked any time before now. But I had just
recommitted to Tae and now I feel like shit. I cheated on him already.”
“It doesn’t make you a cheater,” Eomma spoke up. “We know how committed you are
to Tae, he knows it too. You didn’t want it, you didn’t kiss him back, right?”
“Of course not! I fought him until the end.”
“Right. You’re not a cheater, Hoseok is just an asshole. I warned him that he
was reading too much into your relationship. He should have taken my advice and
looked elsewhere.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “You knew?!? You knew how he felt about me and
didn’t tell me?”
“Of course I did, I’m your mother. From the moment we met, I noticed it. He was
nice enough, but it bothered me how much he hung on your every word, staring up
at you like a simpering idiot, inserting himself into every aspect of your
life…he couldn’t have been more obvious. And then that time he brought you to
the hospital…when you cut…” she clutched lightly at her chest. “Back when you
were in the hospital, I comforted him as he cried. He let it slip out. I warned
him later that what he felt was one-sided. But he was adamant that you felt the
same. I told him that he didn’t stand a chance, that he should give it up. I
thought he took my advice since he never made a move, but I guess I was wrong.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Shit…” I took a long gulp from the bottle. “He said
that I gave him signals, that I loved him too. But I don’t feel anything like
that for him. If I had known from the beginning I would have shut him down
immediately.”
“I’ll admit, there was a time…” my father began quietly, “when I hoped you
would move on from, Tae.” Eomma gasped, looking at him like she didn’t know who
he was. “It was bad back then, Yoongi, and I was so afraid that we were going
to lose you. I thought that maybe if you and Hoseok got together, you could
finally let go and be happy.” He hesitantly took my mother’s trembling hand.
She looked like she was ready to explode. “But that was before I made an effort
to learn more about your condition. For a short time though, a very brief
period, I blamed Taehyung for your condition. I also knew about Hoseok’s
feelings and encouraged him to continue supporting you.”
I stood angrily. “Appa, what the fuck? How could you?”
“It was the grief, son, I swear it. I wasn’t thinking straight at that time
because I was so worried you weren’t going to make it. All I wanted was to keep
you here with us, so I thought that if you found a new love you would have a
reason to live. I know it was stupid, I know. When I found out that losing Tae
was only one of several things impacting you, I corrected myself. I’m sorry for
doubting your feelings for Tae, even if it was for a brief time. I’m also sorry
for giving Hoseok the okay to pursue you.”
“I can’t believe you set that asshole on me.” I gestured wildly with the
bottle. “Someone who would try to bully me into feeling things that aren’t
there! Someone who would imply that I owed him my love! Someone who would force
himself on me and imply that Tae is a liar and a slut! Someone who would call
Jungkook a whore! You thought that a person like that would be good for me?” I
yelled.
I saw the fire ignite in my mother’s eyes while my father’s mouth opened in
shock. “He said what?” She stood slowly with her fist clenched. “He said
Taehyung, my Tae…my baby…is a slut?”
“And a liar. And several other terrible things...he and I have argued about
Taehyung for years and years,” I explained tiredly. “He’s been encouraging me
the entire time to give up the search for him, talking shit about him at every
turn. I corrected him of course and gave him several warnings. I should have
known how he felt then…no one hates a person that much without knowing them.” I
took another swig. “I thought it was because he cared about me, but now I think
maybe it was so he wouldn’t have any competition. He was just jealous. The shit
he spewed about Tae and Jungkook, that’s the real reason why I can’t forgive
him. I should have punched him more than just once.” I took another long swig
before Eomma rushed over and snatched the bottle from my lips.
“That’s enough for you.” She spun back to face my father. “And you…you gave him
the okay? You gave up on our Taehyungie and supported a fucktard who would
insult our family like that? Who would force himself on our son? What do you
have to say for yourself?”
“It’s not like I knew he would do something like this. Hell, none of us had a
clue he was capable of this. I just wanted Yoongi healthy and happy. That’s it.
I made a mistake and all I can do is apologize.”
“I think I need some time alone.” I spoke up, head spinning from
overstimulation, meds, and booze. “This is all too much.”
“Yoongi, I know you’re going through a lot right now.” She set the bottle on
the table and came over to me. “But this isn’t the time to shut us out.” She
rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. “I know these last few days have been hectic,
but please be strong enough to deal with it in a healthy way.”
“I won’t do anything stupid, I promise. I’m feeling overwhelmed now; I need to
destress. I need quiet.”
“Oh…okay. If that’s what you want. We’ll go to a hotel.” She walked over and
yanked my father to his feet by his ear. “You and I need to have a nice, long
talk Min Seung Gi. I can’t believe you would dare to go against me, and behind
my back.” He merely nodded, stooping down low so that she could keep hold of
his ear; he was so whipped. “Call us when you’re ready, sweetheart. I know you
want to get back to Vegas soon and we both want to go and see Tae. Let me know,
okay?”
“Okay.” I walked over and captured them both in a tight hug. “I love you
both…so much. Thank you for supporting me. For always being here for me.”
“We love you, too,” Appa said. “And again, I’m so sorry son.”
“Why are you apologizing for not wanting to see me suffer?” I snuggled into his
chest. “It’s already forgotten, okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I felt him
kiss the top of my head. “Get to the hotel safely. Eomma, I only get one dad so
please go easy on him.”
“I won’t make any promises, brat.” She kissed my cheek. “Don’t forget to call
me when you’re ready to go back, okay.” I nodded. She grabbed my father’s arm.
“C’mon, idiot. I’m going to show you what happens to traitors.” She proceeded
to drag him out of the apartment; I merely shook my head as they left.
When they were gone, I became robot Yoongi. I shut all my feelings off, closed
my mind to all thought and emotion. I unnecessarily picked up, cleaning just to
clean. Then I took a nice long bath, dropping in two Twilight bombs from Lush
to assist the booze and meds already in my system. When the water became too
cold to tolerate, I climbed out and toweled off. I rubbed Dream Cream into my
skin and for a second awareness sparked as my mind hinted that other hands
would have done a more thorough job, a more pleasurable job. I quashed the
thought, throwing on my boxers and a fluffy robe before fleeing the sterile,
cold bathroom.
Once I was seated on the sofa, I opened myself up again so that I could feel
all of it. I sat there wrapped in a blanket of worry, reassuring myself that I
could handle it. The only way to make myself stronger was to face everything
head on. I had to focus on the positives. I thought of Tae stuck in perpetual
torment, and of Jungkook left behind to deal with it all on his own. I wondered
if he was eating; if he was resting like he promised he would. If he didn’t
take care of himself properly, he wouldn’t be able to care for Tae. I felt like
shit for not being there to help. And if Tae woke up and saw that I wasn’t
there, I worried it would make him think less of me...if he still remembered
our reunion.
I thought of my parents and how hurt they were, how guilty they felt for
something they had no hand in. I knew they both blamed themselves and that they
were struggling to cope. Sure, they put on a brave face; after all, they’d had
lots of practice dealing with my shit. But I was worried that this would be the
thing that broke them. How much more damage could they withstand?
Then I thought about Hoseok. His actions today had me questioning our entire
friendship. What was his motivation for doing all the things he did for me? If
he had only done them in the hopes of being with me, it tainted the
relationship. He didn’t respect me and he didn’t respect my family. He was a
selfish jerk and I hated him for what he did. I would have to see hurt on Tae’s
face because of him. And even though I knew that Taehyung would believe me,
that he would disregard it for my sake, he would always have doubts about my
faithfulness. He would hide it, but it would bother him. It would haunt him. It
would hurt him. And it was all Hoseok’s fault…and well, partly my father’s.
There they were, the current causes for my anxiety, all lined up neatly and
ready for introspection. I had to think optimistically. The most critical issue
was immediately settled because I knew Tae would wake up; it was a certainty.
And if I couldn’t be there, there’s no one I could trust with him more than
Jungkook. He loved Tae almost as much as I did and he would never let anything
happen to him. He would take care of himself if only to make sure he was able
to take care of Tae. I knew it because it was what I would do. He and I were
too alike to believe anything else. And being alone was nothing new for him,
he’d taken care of himself for years under far worse circumstances. He was
strong and I could depend on him.
I took a deep breath, feeling the tension unlocking bit by bit. My parents were
next. I took solace in knowing they were the two strongest people I knew and
that they would eventually be able to deal. If they were together, there was
nothing they couldn’t handle. They made the perfect team. Balanced and still as
in love with each other as they were in beginning, I knew that whatever
struggles they met, they could depend on each other. As they had in the past,
they would band together and hold each other up. They loved Tae and me far too
much to fall apart; they were too stubborn to quit. I assured myself that they
were strong enough not to break.
I smiled to myself. Lastly, there was Hoseok. I didn’t like what he did. I no
longer trusted him. I was angry with him…very angry. Extremely fucking angry.
But holding on to that anger was poisonous. He had done so much for me over the
years: helping me survive college, saving me from suicide, encouraging me to
keep fighting when I didn’t want to, taking over the search for Tae because I
had too many other things on my plate…he had been an excellent friend up until
today. Also, my anger may have been magnified due to my lack of sleep and
extremely high stress levels. Maybe after some rest and some time, I could see
his side. I told myself that anger fades and one day I would be able to forgive
him. If he was patient and willing to accept his position in my life, maybe we
could repair our friendship. But it would take time.
I felt loose and light, smiling happily. I felt good. I grabbed my phone and
spaced out for a while, looking at pictures of Tae to further feed those good
feelings now flooding my body. After reflecting and correcting I was exhausted;
physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I didn’t want to rest yet…I didn’t
want to stop looking at him. So I indulged, feeling like it was deserved after
the day I’d had.
After a long while, I realized that each pic told a story and because I hadn’t
been there, I had no idea what those stories were. It irked me to be reminded
of how much of his life I had missed out on. Before any negative thoughts took
over I reminded myself that Tae and I had the rest of our lives to catch up. I
left the gallery to avoid any other bad thoughts that might arise.
I noticed how much darker it had gotten in the room and upon checking the time
saw that it was almost three in the morning. No wonder I felt a headache
burgeoning above my brow, clearly due to the unhealthy combination of a lack of
sleep, stress, and copious amounts of alcohol…and the distant but aggravating
aching, the longing to be where I belonged. The need to go home.
Although I had worked my way through the biggest stressors I had right now, I
couldn’t ignore the fact that I missed him. I missed Taehyung so much and all I
wanted was to get back to him as soon as possible. But to do that, I had to
take care of myself first. I needed rest. I needed to sleep.
I shot off a quick text telling Jungkook that I was headed to bed and that I
would call as soon as I awoke. He immediately responded with, Rest well, hyung.
I smiled brightly. Unfortunately, the kid had wormed his way into my heart; I
was stuck with the brat. I laid the phone gently on the table, knowing that if
I took it with me I would be tempted to pore through the pictures some more. I
walked to my safe place, my room, and input ‘123195’ on the keypad.
I entered the dark sanctuary of my bedroom, a place only I could access and no
other person had seen, and took comfort in hearing the door seal shut behind
me. I made straight for the bed, making a quick pitstop at the nightstand to
down two sleeping pills…then two more just to make sure I stayed asleep, before
burying myself in the sheets. I tried to arrange the pillows so that they
resembled a specific human body. I draped my legs across one, wrapped my arms
around another, and buried my nose into yet another…it wasn’t even close. His
warmth was missing, his scent. His smile. His voice. His eyes…
The pillows didn’t hug me back. The pillows couldn’t tell me I was ‘it’ for
them or call me ‘my Yogi’. The pillows didn’t have his face, nor his heart. I
missed him. I missed him too much. A small voice in my head whispered, This
need is abnormal…it’s borderline obsessive. That wasn’t true at all. It was
like being denied something for a very long time and suddenly being allowed to
have it. Light, air, food…love; it was all the same thing, right? To be denied
for so long to the point of starvation, it’s only natural to gorge on it as
soon as you have access to it again. It was instinctual. But as soon as I grew
accustomed to having in my life again, as soon as I stopped fearing that he
would
disappear on me again, that need would diminish.
Even so, I still missed him. I fucking missed him. I should have just brought
the phone with me. At least I could have fallen asleep while looking at his
face.
I told myself to remember all the good experiences he and I shared over the
past few days and closed my eyes tight, trying to pull forward a memory of him
holding me. Our night in the dome was filled with affection; those precious
moments were branded into my brain. Our kisses varied from sweet and meaningful
to lustful and hot…all of them were good. His hands left flames in their wake
and his words made me fall in love all over again. Both that night and the
morning after, Tae had held back as much as he could. I never dreamed that in
my lifetime I would be grateful for blue balls, yet it happened. To think that
he wanted me that much; I laughed lightly, happily, at the thought. After we’d
finished…what was it that he said?
I clearly recalled his face hidden by his hands; how in the hell could he be so
shy and cute after what we had just done? When he’d finally overcome his
embarrassment, he looked me right in the eye and said: There will never be
anything in this world that I want more than you.
The words scalded me in the most delicious, satisfying way as images from our
morning together surged forward. After having an experience like that one,
there was no doubting Tae's honesty. With perfect recollection, I felt him pull
me down into his arms. I felt the ghost of his nuzzles against my jawline and
the strength of his arms encircling me. I wriggled in excitement. It worked; I
successfully tricked my mind into believing he was there. The pillows were warm
and soft and I pressed into them, imagining a different warmth and softness. I
began to slip; my eyelids fluttered. I held on tight to my “Taehyung.”
At the tail end of lethargy, deep within the endless ether that separates sleep
and wakefulness, the day I realized I still had a chance with him hindered me
from surrendering to slumber. He had said: I’ll always come back to you, don’t
ever doubt that. So, what in the hell was taking him so long? He told me he
would always come home to me, so why was I here and he wasn’t? How could he
come to me when he was locked in his own personal version of hell anyway? I
realized then how stupid it was to leave him behind. I should have stayed.
Leaving him in Vegas was a mistake. Now I had to lie here like a desperate,
lovesick fool and pretend that he was next to me when I could be touching him
for real. I could be holding him, taking care of him right now. When I could be
consoling him.
The words bubbled up from my steadily sinking consciousness. I’ll go back to
him as soon as I wake up. Feeling much better now that I knew I would see him
tomorrow, I let myself fall. I tumbled into obscurity with a smile on my face,
knowing that tomorrow I would finally be home...with Tae where I belonged.
                                     *****
He waited hours for darkness to flood the apartment, but because he knew
Yoongi’s sleeping habits, he waited a few hours more before soundlessly
entering the apartment. It wasn’t just sleeping habits that Hoseok knew…he knew
everything.
He knew that Yoongi would need to seriously de-stress after the day he had.
Usually when he had a day like today’s, he needed to be alone with zero
stimulation. No light, no sounds, no anything…which meant that his phone was
somewhere outside of his room. He didn’t have to search long; it lay right out
in the open, unlocked and ready on the coffee table. He smiled a bit, thankful
that Yoongi was a creature of habit.
It was a stupid plan and it wouldn’t take long before anyone found out; it
would allow maybe a day or two of confusion…three if he were lucky. But it was
enough time to stall a reunion that would bring nothing but harm to the person
he loved most. He couldn’t sit back and let that happen.
It only took a few minutes to do what he needed to do. There weren’t many texts
between them after all, so he studied the few that had been sent before going
into the contacts and call logs and making a few changes. Then he visited a
blocking app and added two phone numbers to the list. A small voice inside his
head begged him not to do it, but he was determined to save Yoongi from making
the biggest mistake of his life. Kim Taehyung meant trouble. Kim Taehyung meant
heartache. Kim Taehyung meant pain, and he would lie down and die before he let
anyone hurt Yoongi.
It’s why he had gone out of his way to keep Yoongi from finding that person,
that Kang Taehyung. Luckily, he had intercepted a picture sent by a private
investigator almost six years ago while Yoongi was hospitalized. He’d paid the
guy off and erased everything immediately. That was all it took—seeing the
smiling boy holding a large check after presenting an innovative urban farming
initiative at an MIT competition—for Hoseok to know that he couldn’t compete.
The boy was beautiful, smart, and rich…most importantly he was dangerous. That
innocent-looking boy held the power to make or break Yoongi. That boy meant
Yoongi’s end.
Yoongi was obsessed. Sure, he romanticized his behavior and called it love, but
it simply wasn't. His fixation on Kim Taehyung slowly ate away at him,
devouring him from the inside out and soon there would be nothing left for
Hoseok to save. He couldn’t let that happen. So, he had erased all evidence of
the discovery and then convinced Yoongi to let him assume responsibility for
the search. Then he’d paid PI’s to feed misinformation to his hyung, all in an
effort to save him from the boy who would destroy him.
He thought of how much Yoongi suffered over the years. He thought of the little
cuts that sometimes appeared on his precious hyung’s body, knowing why they
were there, how they got there, but unable to stop it from happening. He
thought of a broken Yoongi lying on the the floor, crying until he fell asleep,
then waking up and doing it all over again. Of running alongside a gurney,
holding Yoongi’s ripped flesh together trying desperately to preserve the
little life left in his body; of forcing Yoongi to get treated for smoke
inhalation. He thought of Yoongi in the hospital and Yoongi in the psych ward,
eyes dead, defeated, and accented with purple bruises. Yoongi was finally
beginning to heal he refused to let some unworthy asshole ruin the progress he
was making.
“It’s worth it. Even if he hates me…to keep him safe, it’s all worth it,” he
said softly. He double checked to make sure there he had left no trace of his
visit, before slipping quietly out of the front door.
Chapter End Notes
     So, did it go the way you thought it would go? Meet me in the
     comments, I can't wait to hear what you all have to say...well, maybe
     I can. I'm probably asleep as you read this so I'll catch up tomorrow
     lol.
     4funjinjja, you were spot on about Hoseok...well done! And Lety, you
     know Yoongi too well. Hehehehehe.
     EDIT: I fell asleep while scrolling. I'm a mess.
***** What Could Have Been.... *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook finds out what would have happpened if Yoongi never showed
     up.
Chapter Notes
     I hope this chapter is a bit better than the last one since it wasn't
     as rushed. The rewrites are coming along fine I guess. I know where
     the story is going, it's just figuring out how I got there the last
     time. It's going much slower this time.
     Anywho, enjoy my loves. See you in the comments. :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I replied to Yoongi’s message quickly. It was extremely late and it bothered me
that he hadn’t slept yet. I didn’t want to admit that I cared enough to be
worried about him, so I pushed it from my mind and focused on Tae. He was
snoring lightly and mumbling mostly incoherent sounds—I was shocked to hear my
name tumble clearly from his lips and I took comfort in knowing that whatever
he faced wherever he was, thoughts of me accompanied him there. I hoped that I
was a source of comfort and not a participant in his torture. I hoped.
Based on past experiences, I could tell Tae would be awake soon. I couldn't
wait for him to open his eyes, to speak, to move. "Hurry back to me, Tae," I
whispered aloud into the darkness. "Hurry back and please be whole."
I snaked an arm underneath and pulled him close, burying my nose in his soft
hair. I told myself that he would be okay, that everything would be okay. My
eyelids felt weighted, eventually sealing themselves shut. His gentle breathing
accompanied by his naturally sweet scent was enough to lull me into a peaceful,
dreamless slumber.
                                     *****
I awoke to Tae stirring in my arms first before he startled from sleep with a
whimper on his lips; I tightened my hold and pressed his face into my chest.
Last night I had prayed for him to come back, but now that it was actually
happening I panicked. I realized that a woke Tae meant saying goodbye. I didn’t
want him to wake up and ruin what little time we had left; I didn't want him to
make a decision. I didn’t want to let him go; I wasn’t ready…but I was
resigned. This last incident made me acknowledge something that I knew and had
been avoiding…Taehyung and Yoongi belonged together.
Yoongi was better for him in every way. Not only was he a better man, someone
who could provide for Tae and protect him, he also knew how to be unselfish and
love unconditionally. He was leagues ahead of me when it came to loving
Taehyung; I admired him for that. I wanted to learn how to do the same, but it
would take far too much time, time I didn’t have. Yoongi thought that Tae would
choose me, but I knew better. I knew who he wanted and I knew who he would
choose. It didn’t stop me from hoping that Yoongi was right, that Taehyung
would pick me. Even so, deep down I knew who he should choose.
“Kookie…” his voice cracked horribly from lack of use. He cleared his throat
loudly before continuing. “…baby, I can’t breathe.” His profound baritone
rumbled through my chest.
I stiffened at the affectionate nickname, not quite sure how to react because
the last time we’d spoken I was such a dick. I had hurt him. I caused him to
disengage, to torture himself for days. And now he called me baby like none of
that mattered. I had to play it cool so as not to rattle him too much.
“Tae…you’re awake.”
“Hmmmm….” He hummed against my chest. He looked up at me, heavy lidded eyes
ceding only a sliver of warm chocolate through thick lashes. He smiled so
brilliantly, so joyfully that it left me dumbstruck. “Mornin’.”
I blushed down stupidly at him, still trying to recover from a full-fledged
attack of his beauty. It was both unfair and cruel of him to catch me off guard
like, but sleeping with a living, breathing Adonis had its risks. If waking up
next to Kim Taehyung was the consequence, I’d say sleeping with him was a risk
worth taking. I stammered out, “G-g-good morning.” As Tae stretched and
groaned, I leaned over and grabbed my phone from the nightstand to check the
time. It was just past noon; Taehyung had been out for almost three days. I
shot Yoongi-hyung a quick, He’s awake! Tell Eomma Yun and call us ASAP, before
setting my phone back down. I turned to find Tae’s face so close, too fucking
close to mine. It had to be illegal to look that good, especially after being
nearly comatose for three days. “W-w-whoa…wow.” You would think I had never
seen a pretty face before today, but Kim Taehyung was a whole ‘nother level of
pretty. He was perfection.
He giggled. “It’s so cute when you stutter, Kookie.” His strong fingers tickled
my sides and of course I let loose an involuntary laugh. He brought his hands
up to pinch my cheeks and stared at me lovingly. “Cute.” He framed my face with
those large hands and wet his lips before pulling me down for a long,
passionate, soul shaking kiss. And I tried to stop it, pushing against his
chest to try and hold him off…but his lips talked me out of fighting him. Even
with our ‘afternoon’ breath his kiss was enough to send my poor heart into
shock. My eyes widened when he finally let me go and it must’ve been quite the
sight because Taehyung burst into laughter. “Was it that good, Jungkookie? You
would think I had never kissed you before.” He snuggled up closer against me.
“Tae…are you okay?” I asked breathily. I already knew what was wrong, his
memory loss was obvious, but I had to gauge the severity of the situation. He
made it extremely hard to concentrate on doing that though; I felt his hands
roaming everywhere, leaving scorch marks and wrecked flesh in their wake. His
lips met my neck and I shivered terribly, digging my fingernails into his
shoulders. I’ll admit, his touch was too good to pass up, so I savored it while
I still could. I was weak.
“Yeah…except my arms and legs are all tingly and stiff. “But I can think of a
few ways to loosen them up.” I studied his face for any indication that he was
messing around, even though I knew that Tae would never play with my feelings
like this. When it came to things like sex, he was all business. He didn’t want
to chance me getting hurt or feeling rejected. So, he made sure not to blur any
lines; to be upfront and honest. He never initiated anything unless he was
certain he was ready for it. “How about it, Kookie?” He pulled me closer until
our bodies were flush. I felt his semi hardness settle against mine and saliva
flooded my mouth…he was ready. Fuck, I wanted him so bad, but we had things to
discuss first.
He littered light kisses down my neck and along my shoulder and although I was
a bit uncomfortable because of his condition, I couldn’t deny it felt good.
“Tae…” Damn it to hell, why couldn’t this have happened a few days earlier. “We
need to…”
“Shh…” he soothed in between kisses, all velvet and bass. “Just let me…” The
rest of the sentence was lost along with my mind as he claimed my lips again.
He was persistent yet easy-going, slowly rolling me over until I was underneath
him as he kissed me into submission. His mouth was lethal, murdering my
thoughts without mercy.
“I-I wasn’t expecting…this,” I mumbled against his lips.
“Expecting what?” He looked down at me quizzically. “Ah…could it be that I have
been teasing you too much lately?” He looked contrite. “I’m not playing hard to
get, really I’m not. I just wanted to wait until I was sure.”
“But…” Sweet little pecks drove the rest of the sentence away. There was
something he and I were supposed to discuss, but it floated somewhere beyond
the reach of the tiny part of my brain that still functioned. I struggled to
find a reason to stop this, but my frazzled mind found the task too demanding
and encouraged me to surrender to Tae instead; who was I to argue against it?
He bit his lip, uncertainly. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us, you know,
while we were planning this trip. I think…it’s time.” He smiled, cupping my
cheek. “You’ve been so patient and understanding, Kookie. I wanted to wait
until you gave me the ring, you suck at surprises by the way…” he laughed
lightly, brushing his hair back. “…for some strange reason, I feel compelled to
let you now. I love you. I’ve loved you for a such a long time now...too long.”
He shook his head, expressive eyes boring into mine. “You came into my life at
a time when pain, darkness, and solitude were my only companions. With you came
light…with you came love…with you came a reason to live. You saved me from my
demons…you saved me from myself.”
“Tae, you shouldn’t say this. We need to …” he kissed me feverishly until I was
silent. I tried to speak again and he shut me up with another kiss. He gazed
down at me, one eyebrow raised, a promise that he would kiss me quiet in his
eyes. I looked up at the man I loved, both dreading and anticipating what I
knew was coming. I decided to let him speak his piece.
“Do you know that I think of you in that way? As my light?” I shook my head,
slowly. “That’s what you are to me, my light…my love. I know it seems like
you’ve been waiting forever, and I’m sorry for that but you should know that
I’ve been waiting too. It’s been just as hard for me to hold myself back when
you are so perfect for me, so well-suited. You’re everything I ever wanted and
if you want this…if you want me, I’m ready. I think, no, I know…I want this. I
want us. Jeon Jungkook, I want you.”
Shit. No…this was all wrong. He couldn’t do this now, not when it was already
too late. Not when I knew who his heart really belonged to. He said everything
I had ever wanted to hear and while my heart soared to know that he loved me
back, it also ached because I knew he only felt this way because he had lost
his memories again. He didn’t remember Yoongi. “Tae, I love you, too. But…”
He smirked as he rolled us again; he was on his back and I sat straddling him.
“I want us and everything that comes with it.” He held me in place by my waist
and I could feel my face burning. “Damn…” his awe-filled, silky voice murmured.
“So pretty. You look so good up there, baby, but you’d look much better if you
were wearing less clothes.”
My mouth hung open stupidly as I quickly glanced at my body. “B-but, I’m only
wearing boxers as is.” That rectangular smile that made me go weak at the knees
broke out of its prison, accompanied by a sexy wink. I watched his tongue trace
pretty pink lips, before biting his lip hard. Whatever agenda I had had in the
beginning was long forgotten. I didn’t care about anything other than finding
out exactly which sinful thoughts caused him to have that reaction. I wanted to
know…I needed to know.
“My pretty Kookie.” He dragged his hands from my waist and down my thighs,
scraping gently with his fingernails before roughly squeezing them. My breath
left my body in one big whoosh and I involuntarily propelled my hips forward,
grinding against him. This elicited a delicious, guttural moan from Tae. He
reached out with long arms and gently caressed my cheek. I wanted more of
that…of sounds and his fingers on my skin, so I started to move more. He
rewarded me, singing sweet praises while imparting loving touches; I wolfed it
all down, particularly enjoying the sound of his breath hitching in his throat
and his lovely, pleasurable hisses.
Now that I had started, now that he had started this, I couldn’t stop. And even
if I could, I wouldn’t because I didn’t want to. In that moment, Tae’s touches,
Tae’s words were all that mattered.
He sat up, using his elbows first before bracing himself up with his hands,
smiling cockily up at me. Mesmerized, I fisted his shirt and used the leverage
to lean forward…to meet his lips. I kissed and I rode until Taehyung pulled me
down and hugged me to his chest, still kissing me. My neurons were firing on
all cylinders, guiding the actions necessary to get the most pleasure. I
followed the instructions helplessly. When he drags his dick down, glide up to
produce a constant rub. Done. Don’t flatten your tongue, curl it so that you
can massage his better. Done. Bite his lip, hard but not too hard...it drives
him crazy. Done…
Spurred by the bite, Tae flipped me onto my back before I could finish the
thought, growling ferociously into my mouth as he railed against me. It threw
me for a loop because I was so much bigger than him, but I knew from experience
that Tae had a lot of hidden strength. Even though I had him beat in size, as a
man he dwarfed me; I felt small and vulnerable underneath him. He caged me in,
his tongue tracing the innermost parts of my mouth before capturing my tongue.
I wriggled and writhed beneath his full weight, enjoying the rough brushing of
our middles a little too much; my boxers were drenched from the leaking. I
struggled to remain tethered to this plane, fighting desperately to keep up
with his frantic rut as ecstasy threatened to evict me from my body.
I dragged my hands up his sides and down his strong, lean arms until I found
his fingers; I interlocked them with mine and squeezed. He stilled, taking a
moment to gaze madly into my eyes. It should have been awkward, the two of us
just staring at each other after rutting like animals, but it wasn’t. In his
eyes, I saw all the things he’d already said and then some. He communicated his
fondness, his passion, his love…all with a single look.
He looked at me as if I were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, which was
impossible since he lived his entire life with that face. But then he brought a
hand up to touch my cheek with reverential eyes; like he couldn’t believe that
I was there beneath him. Like he was the lucky one. How dare he? I was no
prize. I was nothing compared to him. I grew embarrassed under his scrutiny and
tried to turn away; he held me in place by my chin and made me face it. He
didn’t say a word, but I got the message loud and clear: You are beautiful, you
are perfect, and I love you.
I nodded, biting my lip to keep from bursting into tears. He loved me…he
really, truly, and honestly loved me. I don’t know why it was so surprising,
especially since he’d said the same thing earlier. And in the beautiful letter
he’d written me days ago. And several other times before that. But this
time…this was different. I nodded again, a hesitant smile on my face as he
kissed me again. Then he started moving, slower this time, more calculated.
He finally gave my mouth a break and gave my sensitive, starved neck the
attention it so desperately craved. I let his teeth, tongue, and lips work
their magic as I slipped into blissful fogginess. “Mine.” He spoke it so
softly, so gently, that if we hadn’t been this close, I wouldn’t have heard it.
I felt his warm tongue gently tracing my jawline. “All mine…” he nosed along my
collarbone, stopping here and there to leave kisses and soft bites. Something
inside me purred affectionately at his possessiveness.
I felt his fingers slinking down my sides and then beneath the waistband of my
boxers. I moaned as he palmed my ass, molding it as he continued to mark me. I
squirmed beneath him, overwhelmed and gratified because this was escalating to
a point we’d never reached. I’d only ever seen Tae like this once before, and
if this was going where I thought it was going…teeth sunk into my shoulder and
I nearly blacked out from the rush of pleasure.
“Hyung!” I cried out in ecstasy as I jerked up, grinding frantically against
him. I felt the ghost of a smile against my skin as he pulled my flesh into his
mouth, but that word was distracting. Hyung…I wish I could have taken it back
and swallowed it. Although I was enraptured by Tae’s extremely skillful mouth
and hands, the face of a very different hyung floated to the surface. A hyung
who had no place being in my head at a time like this, not when I was so close
to getting what I’d wanted for two years. I didn’t even want to think his name.
In our entire time together, this was only the second time Tae had ever
initiated anything remotely sexual. The first time was magical and currently
resided in the first position of my spank bank. That one time Tae had thrown
away his iron-clad self-control for just a few precious moments, but the things
he made me feel were…it was unlike any experience I had ever had. I wanted to
feel those things again. I wanted it bad.
He’d stopped just short of sex that time in the shower…just short of
penetration. Don't get me wrong, I loved every second of that experience, and
even though I'd cum harder than I ever had in my life, it wasn't enough. I
wanted to know what it felt like to have him fill me up. I wanted to feel him
explode inside me and call my name. I wanted to feel his essence leaking from
me and pooling into a filthy puddle beneath me. I wanted him to clean me up and
care for me, to hold me afterwards and tell me he loves me. This was my chance,
my one shot at getting it and I wasn’t about to throw it away for some guy I’d
just met. I liked him, cared for him even, but Taehyung was just too good of an
opportunity to pass up.
I thought back to days ago when I’d found him with that hyung, those disturbing
marks that were so glaring against pale skin…he’d had no qualms about letting
Taehyung leave those there and who knows what else they had gotten up to on
their overnight date since he refused to tell me saying only that it was
sacred. I bit my lip in frustration. It was before we’d called a truce, sure,
but why should I deny myself this chance? Finally, he wanted to show his love
physically…to let me show mine.
I staunched the guilt before it ran rampant, forcing thoughts of that other
hyung deep into the pits of my subconscious before locking it away. I buried it
and forgot it. I returned my focus to Taehyung’s mouth and hands as they
performed miracles, all the while babbling garbled sounds that even I couldn’t
understand as he worked.
By the time he finished painting my body with violet, navy, and burgundy, I was
nothing more than a lump of flaming flesh spluttering nonsensical utterances.
He moved slowly away and dragged my boxers slowly down my legs, watching for
any objection…of course, he found none. He kissed his way back up slowly as I
trembled in anticipation.
Soft lips closed around the tip and a warm, inviting mouth enveloped me; I saw
orange. Not that tacky, dull, ugly pumpkin orange. No…not quite orange to be
truthful. It was more of a yellow-orange. It was appealing and vivid, yet
somehow muted enough that it didn’t hurt, and it blazed brightly behind my
eyelids. It reminded me of sunlight and stars; of cozy fires and warmth. It
reminded me of dawn. It embodied Taehyung perfectly, so effortlessly that in my
head he became yellow-orange; he was my new favorite color.
“Tae…fuck, Tae.” I wound my fingers into silky locks and held on for dear life.
His mouth was sheer perfection and I had no fucking idea how he was so good at
this when he had hardly any experience. He used the perfect combination of
teeth and tongue, not too much saliva, and just enough suction. I thought I was
good but this devil, this crimson-haired savant, was showing me that I had a
lot to learn.
It felt so good that I wanted to clamp down and fuck his skull. I wanted to
lock him in place and drill his mouth until I spilled down his throat. I
couldn’t help thinking it, but I would never do it. This was Tae’s first time
doing this, at least with me, and I would never do anything to make him
uncomfortable. So, I gripped his hair tighter, moaning crazily and calling his
name as I invaded his snug throat. Over and over again, deeper, tighter…his own
groans sending wicked vibrations up my shaft. With every slurp, lick, and suck
I moved closer to damnation…I didn’t give a single, solitary fuck as long as it
was his mouth that would take me there.
I felt my lower half being lifted up into the air until I was ass over elbows.
My fingertips found purchase in the firm mattress, threatening to break through
the sheets and tear the innards to shreds as Taehyung's long tongue entered me.
He lapped and and licked, sucked and slurped...he fucked me so well, so good
with just his mouth that I couldn't imagine what he would do with his dick. I
went limp but Tae proved his strength once more by gripping my hips and forcing
me to fuck his tongue. I didn't know how it was possible...I didn't care. I
just wanted him to keep going. "Don't...d-don't stop...TAE! Shit! Don't stop,
please...don't..." I begged. Again, I felt his smile against my poor, sensitive
hole. He dug his fingers in and picked up the pace, somehow going deeper and I
melted like butter in his hands.
My mind drifted, no longer capable of linear thought. Taehyung infiltrated all
my senses and besieged my body. I could feel him thrumming beneath my skin. He
was the in the air I breathed, the blood in my veins…he was life itself.
Taehyung, my Taehyung...my life.
Suddenly it all stopped and my head was spinning. I lamented the loss of his
warmth, of his exceptional mouth, and that beautiful fucking tongue...but I was
also grateful that he spared me from such a quick release. We still had further
to go; I was married to the notion of feeling him inside me. I gazed down at
the scarlet menace extricating himself from between my legs; he kissed my
stomach once before leaving the bed entirely.
I closed my eyes and struggled to catch my breath. I felt like my body was on
fire and I couldn’t forget the feeling of Tae’s mouth; my thighs pressed
themselves together and assumed a slow rub. I throbbed almost painfully down
there and if Tae didn’t hurry back soon it wouldn’t be my fault if I came
untouched right then and there. Yes, untouched from the mere memory of his
mouth.
I felt his weight on the bed again. I heard the unmistakable sound of foil
ripping and a cap flipping open and then closed again, then a few seconds later
the sound of something landing on the bed. I opened my eyes to see Tae crawling
up my body. He hovered over me, a question lingering in his eyes.
“Before we…I want it to be clear. There’s no turning back after this, Kookie.”
He grabbed my hand and kissed it as I lay there bewildered, not understanding
why his fingers and tongue weren’t working me open. And then he slipped the
ring on my finger. “Accept me.” He didn’t form it as a question because he knew
what the answer would be…well, what it would have been. If only… and almost as
if he’d been waiting, as if I had called him, that other hyung’s face burst
forth from its prison to come surging to the forefront again. Yoongi-hyung.
Stunned into silence, I could only watch as he dropped the remaining ring in my
palm and held out his hand so that I could put it on him, smiling the smile I
treasured so much. Love was written on his face; his eyes danced with
excitement, his cheeks were flushed, and his smile was radiant. But this…this
was wrong. I was wrong. Sex was one thing, but this, I couldn’t do it. I
couldn’t put that ring on his finger; I couldn’t commit to him when he didn’t
know everything. About Yoongi, about my fuckups, about how badly I hurt him…I
had to tell him.
I sat up slowly, watching his face fall as I did so. I’ve never been good at
hiding my feelings from him, so I guess he could see everything playing out
across my face. “Tae…”
“Kookie, what’s wrong? Why are you so upset? Is it because I ruined your
confession? I-I’m sorry.” He looked miserable. “I just wanted to let you know
that it’s not just sex for me.”
“No, it’s not that Tae. Having you put that ring there, you have no idea how
happy I am.”
“Well, is it…am I bad? You know, at…this? I know I don’t have a lot of
experience but I can be better for you if I tried harder. I can learn. If you
give me a chance to prove…”
I shook my head. “T-Tae, this isn’t about sex at all.”
“If it’s not about sex, then what is it about? I don’t understand what’s going
on with you. You’re being weird.” His eyes softened. “Kookie, did I do
something wrong?” Those huge, worried eyes peered at me, dug into me. “I did,
didn’t I? I can’t remember though…I only watched you gamble last night, right?”
I could tell he was struggling, trying to force himself to remember. “I
wouldn’t…I don’t think I would do anything to…” He sat there staring off into
the distance.
That’s when I remembered how bad the situation was. If him putting that ring on
my finger wasn’t enough to remind me, him thinking it was our first morning in
Vegas was. I panicked and crawled out from under him. I was on my feet in
seconds; he sat in the middle of the bed looking lost and confused. “It’s
just…I have to use the bathroom.”
“Oh, ok, but hurry back.” He said while pouting. I could tell that he knew it
was a lie, that he didn’t believe a word I was saying, but he didn’t say
anything. He didn’t argue. “It’s cold and I want cuddles…if that’s okay with
you.”
“I’ll be really quick.” I grabbed my phone and my boxers before rushing into
the bathroom. I locked the door and turned on the ventilator. I took a deep
breath before dialing the number Yoongi had given me, nearly falling over as I
struggled to pull my boxers on. I could feel my heart beating rapidly,
threatening to explode from my ribcage. I found it harder and harder to breathe
until I thought I would pass out…he didn’t pick up. It only rang once before
going straight to voicemail. “Fuck!” I hung up in frustration before realizing
I hadn’t even left a message. I shot him another text, telling him about Tae’s
condition and begging him to call as soon as possible.
I paced the length of the small bathroom, at a complete loss on how to handle
this. I couldn’t get a grip on myself. I kept seeing his hurt expression and
hearing the uncertainty in his voice. I regretted letting it go that far. I had
fucked up again and it further proved that I didn’t deserve Kim Taehyung. I
never would if I couldn’t learn how to put what he needs above what I want.
I needed advice, so I dialed my compass yet again.
Too panicked for a greeting, he asked immediately, “Jungkook-ah…how is he?”
“Joonie-hyung, he’s finally awake.”
I heard him breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank God…should we come there? Is he
still catatonic?”
“No, I don’t think it’s necessary for you two to get on a plane. And it’s much
worse than him being a living statue. He’s lost days this time. He doesn’t
remember anything about Yoongi nor any of the shit I’ve pulled. He’s acting
like nothing has changed between us. He was smiling and playful…he kissed me,
hyung.” I groaned. “It was so fucking loving and real. And he implied heavily
that he’s ready to have sex.” I continued to pace the length of the small
space. “Like, really heavily implied. I’m talking best fucking blow job of my
life and lube and condom in hand implications, hyung. “What the fuck should I
do?”
“Firstly, TMI. He’s my sweet, innocent cousin and I don’t want to know about
what he gets up to with you. It’s gross and you’re a pervert. Secondly, why ask
questions when you already know the answer?”
“But don’t you think…it just seems like the perfect opportunity to start over,
right? It’s not like he doesn’t really love me, he does, otherwise he wouldn’t
have put this ring on my finger…”
“Fuck, Jungkook! Did you accept his confession while he’s in this state?
“No, of course not! Even I wouldn’t stoop that low. But I can’t help thinking
that this is how things would have naturally progressed in our relationship if
Yoongi had never shown up. And with him being gone, maybe I could just…”
“I hope you’re not suggesting entering into a relationship with Taehyung under
false pretenses, Jeon Jungkook. You are such a dumbass. Remind me, why did I
ever forgive you?”
“Because I’m the scrappy underdog and you can’t help but love me?” I asked
hopefully.
His silence stretched much longer than it should have. “Not funny. I do love
you, but you sure do make it hard. Jungkook, Tae trusts you. He may not
remember what happened right now, but that doesn’t mean the memory isn’t there.
This is different than what happens with Uncle. Those memories, they’re ones
that he refuses to remember because of how horrifying they are. But his
memories with Yoongi, they won’t hurt him. They will come back. If they do and
he finds out that you took advantage of him…”
“I know, I know. I was only semi-serious.”
“Semi being the operative word here.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll admit that I’m extremely tempted to act on it, hyung. It
would be so easy to act like Yoongi never happened…but I know it would be
wrong. I love Tae, I really do. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I’m trying to
be better for him and lying like that would destroy that.”
“I can’t lie, I was scared there for a minute. But it seems like you’ve learned
your lesson about the importance of honesty. I feel like I should get you a
certificate or something.”
“I’m a slow learner but I do learn. And I only accept trophies, not lame ass
certificates.” I sighed sadly. “All jokes aside, I have to figure out a way to
tell him everything without him losing it again.”
“I wish I had better advice to give you. Just be as gentle as possible. Be the
friend he needs and put his well-being first. Keep me updated, okay.”
“Okay.”
“I’m really proud of you for doing the right thing. I know it has to be hard
for you.”
I smiled. “Thanks, hyung.”
“I’m trusting you here, Jungkook. Don’t let me down. Fighting.”
”Right…later, hyung.” I hung up and then dialed Yoongi again; it went straight
to voicemail. I left a detailed voicemail explaining the situation and telling
him to explain to Eomma Yun. Then I begged him to call me as soon as possible.
It was much easier to do knowing he wasn’t listening live on the other end.
Yoongi was a pretty nice guy, but damn it he was intimidating. He was scary.
And I didn’t look forward to telling him how far things with me and Taehyung
had progressed before my conscience kicked in.
I noticed then that I had missed a text from an unknown number. In my
desperation to reach Yoongi, I must have missed it. I went to it… It’s Yoongi.
Phone is fucked, this is my temporary contact...
I’d never hit the call button so quickly. The longer it rang, the angrier I
got. Finally, it went to voicemail and I left a similar detailed message
explaining as much as I could, begging him to call. It wasn’t until I hung up
that I realized that Yoongi might still be asleep. He hadn’t gotten proper rest
in such a long time; maybe his body was trying to catch up. I reassured myself
that he would call as soon as he woke up.
I was much calmer as I turned off the ventilator, exiting the bathroom…and
running smack dab into a pacing Taehyung, knocking him to the floor. “Tae!” I
hurried to help him to his feet. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s my fault. I was too anxious over there. I promise I didn’t eavesdrop
or anything, I was just…it made me nervous being away from you.”
“There’s no need to be nervous. I told you I would be back.”
“Something strange is going on. I checked my phone and the date is wrong. And
you’re trying to act normal, but it feels…weird. What’s going on? Tell me.”
It was as good a starting point as any. “Tae…the date isn’t wrong. Today is our
sixth day in Vegas.”
“Sixth? But we just got here yesterday.” It didn’t take long for him to catch
on. “It happened again. I forgot. Was it him? Grandfather…did he?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Well what was it? Everything feels off, Kookie. Even from the beginning, when
I first kissed you, you were surprised. You even tried to stop me, like you
didn’t want me to...” he stopped then, eyes vacant. “I didn’t say anything
because I didn’t want to ruin the mood, but I noticed. You’ve been waiting
forever for me to come around to your way of thinking; to return your feelings.
There’s no way you would turn me down…I must’ve done something, right? I fucked
up and I hurt you and you’re pissed, but I don’t remember.” He smacked his palm
hard against his head. “And it doesn’t help that I practically forced myself on
you. What the fuck did I do? Whatever it was, I didn’t mean it, Kookie. I’m so
sorry…”
I grabbed him into my arms. “Don’t be stupid, you couldn’t hurt me if you
tried, Tae. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re too good to me and I know you
love me.”
He nodded, clinging to me. “I do. I really do, Kookie, with all my heart. It’s
why I don’t understand why…” he froze. “Unless…you don’t feel the same,” he
whispered into my shoulder. “Did I make you wait for too long? Do you not love
me anymore?” He took a few steps back and looked at me fearfully. “That’s it,
right? You don’t want me?”
I grabbed his face and kissed him long and hard. “Are you absolutely nuts?
That’s the one thing you’ll never have to worry about, Tae. As long as there’s
breath in my body, I’ll love you. And I want you more now than I ever did.” I
tried to smile, but it was tight and full of worry.
“Then what is it? If I didn’t do anything wrong and if you love me as much as I
love you, why are you acting strange? Why would I make myself forget? Why are
you looking at me like you want to cry? Why does it feel like I’m about to lose
you?”
I countered his questions with one of my own. “Tae…who is Min Yoongi?” If I
hadn’t known about his feelings beforehand, his face would’ve been a dead
giveaway. I saw hurt flash in his eyes, but also longing. Even now, even though
he forgot him, he still wanted him. He still loved him. And after all his sweet
words, praises, and loving touches…after putting a ring on my finger, it wasn’t
surprising that I was jealous to see him react so strongly to just hearing the
name. Jealous, but determined to do the right thing. “Who is he to you?”
“Where did you hear that name?” he asked quietly.
“Who is he to you?” I pressed.
“No one…not anymore. And I’d rather not talk about him.” Awareness dawned in
his eyes. “Is that why you’re upset? Did I say the name in my sleep or
something? Because I can assure you, I haven’t seen that person in almost ten
years.”
“It’s not that. He’s your hyung, someone you care about a lot. Someone you
love.”
“He was, but he and I haven’t spoken in years.”
“You met him, Tae. You met him here and you love him still.”
He scoffed, folding his arms stubbornly across his chest. “Bullshit. I wouldn’t
ever meet with him, not willingly. I plan to punch him hard in the face if I
ever see him again.”
I could only laugh sadly. “That’s exactly what you did, only I wasn’t there to
witness it. I wish I could have seen it.” He looked at me as if I were crazy.
“But I did see the state of his nose afterwards, and damn you must have hit him
really hard Tae. I’m proud.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jungkookie. I don’t know why you’re
going on about that person, though I’ll admit that he was a huge part of my
past…” he stared at me with such sincerity, such honesty, “but I’m looking
forward now. You are my future.”
It hurt. It fucking hurt to hear him so passionate, so truthful…but I knew that
it was only because he didn’t have the entire story. “No, I’m not. I’m not your
future Tae. You were meant to be with someone else.”
He grabbed me by my boxers and pulled me close. “No. I love you, Jeon Jungkook.
I loved him a lot, and maybe there’s a part of me that still does. But from the
moment you started planning this trip, I gave him up. I want to move forward
with you. I want you and no one else but you.”
“Stop…stop lying!” I yelled, pushing him away. “You love Min Yoongi. You told
me yourself. It’s why…no, I’m why you’re like this. I’m the reason you don’t
remember. It’s all my fault because I wanted to hold onto you no matter the
cost. Because I didn’t want to lose you to him.”
“Jungkookie?” He touched my shoulder hesitantly. “I’m not lying. Baby, you
won’t ever lose me. I want you to hold on to me…only to me, okay. Whatever
happened, I don’t care. Just…don’t push me away.” He wrapped me up tight in his
arms. “Please, don’t ever push me away again. I…I can’t lose you. Not ever,
please.”
“Tae, you’ve been out for three days.” I mumbled against the side of his head,
breathing in the scent of his hair. “I’ve been so worried, all of us have.
Namjoon-hyung and Jin-hyung were threatening to fly out here to make sure
you’re okay, and Yoongi-hyung and I couldn’t even sleep.”
“Hyung?” he pulled back and looked at me as if I betrayed him, his arms
dropping to his sides. “Why would you call him that?”
“Because I met him too. I tried, but I can’t hate someone who loves you so
much. He was very nice to me considering how much of an asshole I was to him.
He’s…he’s a good hyung. I like him and we became something like friends. And I
understand why you love him so much; why you’ve been waiting for him.”
“But I’m not waiting for him, not anymore. From the moment we stepped on the
plane to come here, I planned to tell you everything and confess my feelings,
commit to you. I want you and no one else.”
I shook my head angrily. “That’s not true.”
“It is! Who are you to tell me what’s in my heart? I wouldn’t lie about
something like this…I wouldn’t lie to you at all.”
“I know you wouldn’t lie, but you don’t have all of the facts. So much has
happened over the last few days and I don’t think you can make a sound decision
without knowing it all. If you’d at least hear me out, let me tell you
everything that happened…”
“No. I don’t need to know. I’m not interested in any of it. I’ve made my
decision already. I want you.”
“You’re being so stubborn! Just listen…”
“No! That person was absent from my life for ten years and I refuse to throw
away the only happiness I have just because he showed up. He’s too late. I’m
not interested in him or anything he has to say. The heart wants what it
wants…mine wants you. End of story.” He stormed off childishly, plopping down
on the bed and scrolling through his phone.
I approached him slowly. “That person, him…did you noticed you haven’t said his
name once? Tae, why won’t you say his name? Does it hurt too much? Do you love
him that much that even saying his name hurts?”
“No, I hate him so much that saying his name pisses me off.” He didn’t look up
from his phone. “So, no, I don’t want to say his name. I don’t even want to
think his name! He hurt me, Jungkook. He hurt me so much and I have every right
to be angry with him. But I’m ready to put that anger behind me because he
doesn’t matter to me anymore. He doesn’t exist to me."
“He doesn’t? Then take off the necklace he gave you.” I reached for it and,
clearly affronted, he clutched at the pendant hanging from his neck blocking
me. That was all the proof I needed. “It’s okay to be upset with him, I
understand. Yoongi-hyung understood too. You two were able to work through
everything and you’re very much in love with him. You’re not angry with him
anymore, not really. I need you to remember, Tae.”
He glared at me. “If he’s so fucking great, why don’t you go be with him then?”
After realizing what he said, he looked instantly apologetic. “I’m sorry for
saying that. It was a shitty thing to say, it’s just…please, let’s drop this.”
I rolled my eyes. He was being such a brat about it all. It was very un-Tae-
like. I wondered briefly if this was how I behaved during my tantrums, and how
Tae could remain so patient through them all. “Not until you agree to listen.”
I wanted to shake him, just to rattle his brain a bit so he could think
rationally. He was so stubborn.
“There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind about him, Jungkook. I’m
determined to be with you. What we have is real, it’s solid.” He went back to
scrolling away on his phone. “What I had with him was puppy love. It wasn’t
real, it was all hormones and secret touches and kisses in the dark. I thought
it was love because I didn’t know anything different, I didn’t want to know.
But I’ve grown up and I know what real love is thanks to you. I know who is
meant for me...you.”
I sat down next to him and put a comforting hand on his thigh. “If nothing I
say will change your mind then you shouldn’t have a problem listening, right?”
I countered. “Just give me that and we can move on from there.”
“I don’t understand this at all. Why are you fighting so hard for him,
Jungkook?” He finally tossed his phone aside before facing me. “Do you even
love me? If you did you wouldn’t try to push me off onto someone else; someone
I don’t want. Why am I the only one fighting for us here? It feels like you're
trying to get rid of me.”
“I’m not fighting for Yoongi-hyung, I’m fighting for us. I’m fighting to be a
better person for us. Damn it, Tae, I’m doing this because I love you! I’ve
made a lot of mistakes, bad ones, and I’m trying to make it up to you. I lied
to you before and tried to manipulate you. I broke your heart…I’m not going
there again. I’m trying to save us.”
“Save us from what, Jungkook? We’re fine except for the fact that you keep
trying to pawn me off onto some guy I was hung up on ten years ago who
obviously didn’t give a shit about me. You want the truth? Fine. I loved him
and I still do even though I don’t want to. He was a liar and he didn’t love
me. He abandoned me.”
I shook my head again. “That’s not true.”
“I don’t care whether it is or isn’t because I’m with you now. All I care about
is whether you’re going to give me my ring. Then I want to take you out,
romance the shit out of you, then get you back here and fuck you until you
can’t stand straight.” My mouth fell open in shock. “That’s what I want, you
and me. Then I want to leave this place together and forget that you ever
brought up that name. He is in my past, let him stay there.”
My mind was stuck somewhere around fucking me until I couldn’t stand. “I…I want
that, too. Fuck, I really want it. But I can’t, not without you knowing the
truth. At least let me clear my conscience. If you don’t feel differently after
you hear what I have to say, then I’ll let it go. Please…for me.” I fought to
hold in tears. “If I don’t tell you everything, then we can’t ever be together
because I refuse to have our relationship built on a lie. If you hear me out
and still want me afterwards, I’ll accept it and let this go.”
He looked at me skeptically. “You’ll let it go and put your ring on my finger
and we’ll forget that any of this ever happened,” he amended. I nodded. He took
a minute to think it over, before sighing heavily. “For you…just so you won’t
doubt me or feel guilty because I don’t know, I’ll listen. But I’m telling you,
nothing is going to change. I’ll be wearing your ring when this is over.”
“I…I hope that’s true.” I looked at the man I loved; he was so confident, so
certain that I was what he wanted. I memorized that look, knowing that it would
be the last time I saw it. “Before I start…” I grabbed him and kissed him
fervently; he returned it passionately, tangling his fingers in my hair and
pulling me closer. It seemed too short, too soon for me to pull away, but I
did. He let his forehead meet mine, and it was a little too reminiscent to the
scene in the lobby I witnessed…when I saw him and Yoongi together for the first
time. “Just in case…” I whispered, but left off the end of it. Just in case
it’s the last time.
He took my hands into his; I watched as he absentmindedly fiddled with my ring.
I told him everything.
Chapter End Notes
     Although some pretty hot shit went down, I'm lowkey sad. I don't know
     why this chapter has me feeling so miserable when I actually enjoyed
     the smut (even though it was pretty tame) this time. This 'would've
     been' shit sucks because I'm feeling like if Yoongi and Tae would've
     run into each other the next day, it might've been too late for
     Taegi. Seems like a committed Tae can't be swayed. Maybe it's just me
     and I'm getting all sentimental because it's Taekook. Or maybe I've
     finally lost my mind due to lack of sleep. Streaming has become my
     life (we just hit 97M!) and I'm so detached from anything other than
     voting and streaming. And with this possible comeback in November I'm
     about ready to start digging my own grave.
     Anyway, I'm proud of Jungkook. He slipped for a second and lost
     himself, which is understandable because it's Tae (hello!), but he
     got himself back on track. He did the right thing, I guess. I mean he
     really doesn't owe Yoongi anything...but since he's not really doing
     it for Yoongi I guess that doesn't matter. I love him again though,
     so that's something.
     Namjoon must stay glued to his phone and he gives the best advice.
     Hoseok is a tricksy bastard.
     Next up:
     Chapter 43 - I Forgot to Remember to Not Forget
     Without the guilt of loving two men at the same time, Taehyung has a
     very different reaction to Jungkook's many betrayals. (I'm still
     writing it, but I've already cried twice. Ijs...)
***** I Forgot to Remember to Not Forget *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung reacts; Taehyung corrects a mistake; Taehyung makes a
     decision and sticks with it.
Chapter Notes
     Ah, last chapter was wild. You guys really went in on poor Tae-Tae,
     lol. It was very entertaining stuff to read...I hope this chapter
     gets you just as fired up. I can't wait to see what you all think. I
     predict all of you will experience at least one of the following:
     extreme hatred of Taehyung, latent Taekook shipping, utter relief at
     end of this long arc of angst based on Tae's indecision. Ain't no
     more back and forth after this... xD
     But it's far from over. There's more story left to tell.... :)
     P.S. Most of the italicized text is either dialogue from other
     chapters as Tae regains his memory, or his inner voice. And if you
     want to see what Tae saw, flip through the slide show here. The theme
     changes every season. One of my personal faves was 'Under the Sea'.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I sat there frozen. His words were distorted, echoey as he explained our
situation…but I somehow heard it all. I took it all in and sat there
dumbfounded by the possibility that anything he said could be true. It was too
unbelievable, too improbable. Wasn’t it?
“Tae…are you okay?” He reached out towards me, but then thought better of it
and let his hands settle in his lap.
He asked me the same question when I first woke up and I thought it was because
he was caring; because he loved me the same way I loved him. But after hearing
what he had to say, I knew the real reason why he worried about my state…if any
of what he said was true. But it couldn’t all be true.
“Jeon Jungkook,” I tried hard to keep my emotions at bay, to maintain control
even though I was completely shocked and abhorrently frustrated. Disgusted.
Disappointed. Angry. But I loved him and there was no way possible he would do
any of the things he said he did. I loved him so much that I didn’t want to
believe any of it. “I’ll give you one chance to take it all back. Tell me that
you’re fucking with me and it’s not real and we’ll laugh it off. You
wouldn’t…you could never hurt me like that. You would never…right?” I grabbed
his hands and smiled at him. “Tell me that this was some sick joke you thought
up. Some twisted, unfunny prank…I promise I won’t get mad and you’ll go down in
history as the prank king, just say that none of it is true. I’ll even bow to
you.”
I looked at him expectantly, waiting for the smile I loved to break out upon
his face, for his eyes to squint and his nose to crinkle before he burst into
laughter. Then I would launch myself at him and tickle him until he turned red
and begged me to stop. Then I would kiss him until he was breathless. It was
so…us. The things he said happened, that was not us. I waited anxiously but it
didn’t happen. “I wish I could, but then I’d be lying to you. I won’t do that
again, Tae.”
“Can I have your phone?” I held out my hand, but he just stared at it.
“Please?” He stretched across the bed to get the phone and dropped it into my
hand. I needed to verify this. I wasn’t ready to talk to Yoongi, if there was a
real contact for him. Not yet. But there was someone I did trust…someone who
would never lie to me. I scrolled through his contacts and tears sprang up when
I saw the name. I pressed call and listened intently to each ring. After four
or five rings, I smiled thinking that I was right about it being a prank and
ready to hang up when…
“Jungkookie? How is my baby? Is he awake yet? Is he okay?” I could tell she was
slightly panicking.
The smile melted from my face. I knew that voice anywhere. “Eomma…Eomma Yun?”
Eomma Yun! It’s really you! A phone call…no a video chat. The memory caught me
off guard, hitting me hard and sudden. It was like someone poured the
information into my skull all at once. It didn't happem like it did in the
movies, not flash after flash coming consecutively one after the other. One
minute there was nothing, then within seconds it was all just there. It was one
big rush that had my head aching and spinning. I saw it happen inside my head:
Yoongi greeting me at the door, me rushing into his arms. Yoongi and I on the
leather couch talking to Eomma Yun. Yoongi calling me his husband. Yoongi
consoling me about Jungkook. Yoongi asking to kiss me. Me kissing Yoongi.
Yoongi smiling. Yoongi taking me somewhere…it ended almost as abruptly as it
began.
“Tae-baby? It’s you! GiGi, come quick, it’s Tae! We’ve been so worried…”
As she rambled on I let the phone tumble from my hand. It was real. This was
all real. I couldn’t stop the tears. I heard Jungkook struggling to explain in
the background, but I tuned it all out. I waited until their call ended before
asking, “You mean…it’s all true?”
He squeezed my hand lightly; caring, supportive, and consoling was my Jungkook.
He was so unlike the person he described in his recounting of our last few days
in Vegas. “It’s all true. For the record, you forgave me for all of it…except
for the manipulation thing at the end. You didn’t get a chance to because…”
“Yeah, out for days, I get it.” My stomach churned and I found that I couldn’t
look at him. I hastily dropped his hands, not wanting to feel his touch any
longer. I still loved him, with all my heart, more than I thought I could ever
love another person after losing Yoongi. But I also hated him. My love for him
was stronger, but it didn’t erase the anger I felt. For hitting me, for making
stupid decisions with his body that put us both at risk, for trying to control
me and keep me away from my family, and for making me forget it all, I hated
him. I thought of the face I saw in my mind, of fair skin and quick eyes. Of
pink lips and… “And him…when he left…he was okay?”
“Yeah, just upset that he had to leave. He wanted to be here when you woke up,
but decided to rest before coming back.”
“Ah…good. He’s taking care of himself first.” It was awkward, caring for Yoongi
again; asking about him after hating him for so long. It was going to take time
to wrap my head around the whole concept of loving him the way I used to. I
mean, even through my hatred I loved him, but it wasn’t a romantic love
anymore. Sure, remembering what present-day Yoongi looked like threw me for a
loop, but it didn’t erase what I felt for Jungkook. I ate, slept and breathed
him for two years; he held my heart. There was no switch that I could flip to
turn off my feelings for him, so I had no idea what to do. There was no room
for another person.
Yet Jungkook assured me that hyung and I had settled things and I was so in
love with Yoongi that I went blank at the thought of not seeing him; could I
really take his word on it? How could we settle everything in the span of days?
And a few days without seeing him should have been nothing since I would spend
that time with Jungkook. Nothing made sense. This could all be another
manipulation…but what purpose would it serve? What would he gain? My inner
voice called out the questions and responses in my mind as I inwardly reeled
from trying to process the new memories. In the end, I abandoned all attempts
at reasoning and elected to stew in my anger instead. But I didn’t know who I
should be angry with; Yoongi, Jungkook, or myself.
“I told him that you would want that. I knew you would want him to take care of
himself.” I stiffened immediately. For some reason that pissed me off even
more. If he knew me so well, why did he do the things he did? How could he hurt
me so bad knowing everything I’ve been through and how it would affect me? Was
it possible that Jungkook didn’t care for me the way I thought he did? Did he
not love me? He interrupted my my mental tirade with, “You don’t have to hold
it in, you know. I see you struggling to hold in your anger. You don’t have to
worry about hurting my feelings. If you want to yell at me, I can take it. If
you want to hit me even…”
“Seems like that’s more your style,” I spat angrily. We both flinched at my
words, not just the words themselves, but the tone. I never spoke to him like
that before. I wanted to seal my mouth shut because even though he’d hurt me,
even though my heart was splintered and spread about the room, he was my
Jungkook. Regardless of how he felt about me, my love for him was
unquestionable. He was supposed to be my light…my happiness. But he was also
now the only acceptable target for my anger. Yoongi wasn’t here and I hadn’t
done anything, so Jungkook was the logical choice. How had it come to this?
His mouth opened as if he were going to retaliate or argue, but then he closed
it. “I guess I deserve that.”
My heart lurched at hearing him say those words, because I spent the better
part of our time together telling him all the good things he deserved. He
deserved happiness, he deserved compassion, he deserved love, he deserved
everything that life denied him…but today he was right; he deserved my anger.
He deserved every harsh word he would get. I was angry. I was hurt. And I had
to let it out or it would eat me alive.
The truth: this was all his fault; the stuff about Yoongi wasn’t what mattered
to me, not right now. Our relationship, Jungkook’s and mine, was my first
concern. His choices, his actions caused this rift between us and I couldn’t
let him off the hook because he wouldn’t learn from it. I couldn’t coddle him
this time and accept the blame to spare his feelings. He had to know how
royally he fucked me over, how much damage he did. I had to do it because l
loved him and more than any of those other things, Jungkook deserved my
honesty. So, I shed all restraint and let him have it, both barrels blazing.
“Don’t…don’t do that. Don’t try to make me feel sorry for you or guilt trip me.
The way you’ve behaved, it’s evil. I don’t know this you. I don’t know this
Jungkook. I…don’t want to know you like this.” I wiped tears from my cheeks
that I hadn’t known were falling. “How could you do these things to me? ME!”
“I can honestly sit here and tell you that everything I did was driven by my
love for you. My actions were misguided, true…I fucked up big time, I know it.
But my love for you is the only reason why I stooped as low as I did. I was
desperate to hold on to you because I love you that much.”
“Let me get this straight. You hit me because you love me? You fucked some guy
because you love me? You used again because you love me? You lied to me and
manipulated me because you love me?” He just stared at me while guiltily
digging his toe into the carpet, clearly uncomfortable at hearing all of his
offenses listed at once. “Is loving me that hard, that toxic that it would make
you behave like this?”
“No…it’s the opposite, Tae. It’s warm…it’s healing. Your love is…addictive.
It’s something I can’t live without. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it.”
“Even hurt me?” He didn’t answer me and it just compounded my rage. “It really
is my fault then? Well, I have the perfect solution to end all of this. If this
is what loving me does to you, maybe it’s best if you stop.”
“I can’t stop loving you, Tae. I won’t.”
“Why not? The things you’ve done already make me feel like you don’t.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry for all of it. Tae, I’m so sorry.” He started leaking
tears then too, but it only made me angrier. Angry that he knew what he did was
wrong, did it anyway, and now had the nerve to cry about it. “I’ve done some
shitty things this week, things I didn’t know I was capable of doing, and I’m
so sorry. Forgive me,” he begged.
I skewered him with a sharp glare. “I’m quite sure you know what you can do
with that bullshit apology. It means nothing because you can’t change what
happened. Saying I’m sorry isn’t going to magically erase all of the shit you
pulled.”
“I know, I know,” he whined, “but I can’t stop saying it. I’m genuinely sorry
and it hurts me to think of how this affected you.”
“It hurts you? How is that possible? It didn’t hurt you enough to make you
reconsider your actions. How are you hurting when it all happened to me?”
“My regret…the guilt is just as painful.”
The nerve. The absolute fucking gall of this person. I wanted to strangle him
where he sat; to avoid doing so, I stood and walked a few paces away from him.
“Do you want to test that theory? Should I slap you as hard as I can right now
so you can compare the two? Or should I go downstairs and grab some random
person, let them fuck me right in front of you, and then lie about it even
though you know the truth?”
“No…I don’t even want to think about that. Please, Tae…I’m sorry.” He stood
too, tears streaming down his pretty face and shaking his head; looking like
some innocent kid who didn’t know any better. With resolve of steel, I ignored
the voice screaming at me to apologize. I suppressed the urge to grab him and
hug him and kiss his tears away. I shut out the want to fall to his feet and
beg forgiveness for being such a dick to someone so sweet…so beautiful…so
precious to me. But I couldn’t because he went too far this time.
I loved him so much, even in this moment, but my anger was great. “Better yet
my vice is pain, not drugs…should I call my Grandfather and arrange another
dinner? You can come and watch him torture me this time. You can help if you
want. You can watch him break me and rebuild me only to break me again. And
I’ll welcome it because that’s what somebody like me needs, right? It’s what
you did to me, so why would you mind seeing him do it? You can sit there and
watch me self-destruct as he does what he does best and then tell me if guilt
is just as painful.”
He stormed over and grabbed me by my shoulders. “Don’t say that…you shouldn’t
say things like that, Tae.”
I smiled rowdily at him, daring him to challenge me. I pushed him back,
breaking his hold on me. “Why? Your guilt is just as bad, right? Just as bad as
having your heart broken so thoroughly that you lose three fucking days
tormenting yourself. I’m sure your guilt really hurts. Poor baby.” I put just
enough sarcasm on it to make the words sting.
“Believe it or not, it really does. You are the person I treasure most in this
world. The only person,” he said while reaching out to me; and even though I
wanted to run into his arms and tell him that it was all forgiven, I stood my
ground. I couldn’t be weak. I had to face this head on instead of sweeping it
under the rug. “I won‘t try to justify the things I’ve done, there’s nothing I
could say that would make it okay. But I do love you, Tae. You know that I
would never stand by and let someone hurt you. No matter what you think of me
now, you should know that.”
“Only because you’d rather do the job yourself, and you’re quite good at it,
Jungkook. Hurting me comes quite naturally to you. You’re a fucking specialist.
A savant.”
“You know that’s not true. I would never hurt you intentionally.”
“It isn’t true?” I asked, flabbergasted because he just told me that he
manipulated me ‘for the greater good’, knowing full well how I would react. But
he did it anyway believing it was worth the risk just to keep me from Yoongi.
He decided without giving it a second thought that my feelings and my mind were
expendable if it meant him and me as endgame. “If it’s not true then everything
you told me today were lies. Are they lies, Jungkook?” The idea was infectious;
I forgot I was on the attack and latched onto the idea that it wasn’t really
happening again.
“They’re not. I wish they were, but it’s all true.”
I didn’t want to hear it. I wouldn’t accept anything other than what I knew.
Jungkook was kind. Jungkook was safe. Jungkook was love. “Just tell me they’re
lies and I’ll apologize and I’ll let you punish me in whatever way you see fit
for saying the things I said. I’ll do anything, I’ll give you whatever you
want. I wear your ring and let you fuck me and we can go to a chapel and get
married right fucking now, if you just...just tell me that you lied.” I begged.
“TELL ME!” I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him close, holding on to him
for dear life. I wasn’t just screaming enraged nonsense; I meant every word. I
wanted it to be a lie. I wanted those recovered memories to disappear again and
I wanted to apologize and just love him again. I wanted my Jungkook back, the
one who made me feel safe and good. The one who made me feel like I was loved.
I didn’t want us fighting…I didn’t want any of this. “Just, for me, just this
once…tell me what I want to hear and we can forget all of it. Say it, please.
Say it, Kookie.”
He wrapped his arms around me and I settled into his strength, his warmth. This
was what I knew; this was my Jungkook. “Tae…” My breath hitched in my throat as
I waited on bated breath to hear him say it. To deny all this ugliness so that
we could go back to the way things were. “I won’t lie to you again. I love you
too much. I’m sorry, but it’s all true…every word.”
The sensation of all my emotions erupting at once made me feel faint, but I
held on to him. I wept into his shoulder, body shaking from the force of my
sobs. I couldn’t comprehend it. Jungkook violated me. He broke our trust. The
words still made no sense; I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I tried to look
up at him, but his face was blurred due to the tears and it was better because
there was no way I could look him in the eyes and say the things I needed to
say. But first I needed to know… “Why?” I asked.
“No reason other than me trying to keep you for myself. I’m so sorry…” He
buried his nose in my hair and chanted it futilely, "I'm sorry, I'm sorrry, I'm
sorry..."
“Damn right, you’re sorry. And you’re shit. You can’t possibly love me because
you would have never been able to manipulate me like that. To force me to do
what you want even though it hurt me.” I roughly shoved him away from me; he
stumbled, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, before righting himself. “What you
did to me was worse than anything Grandfather ever did to me. At least he was
upfront from the very start. At least I knew in the beginning what he was and
didn’t let him anywhere close to my heart. But you…” I pointed accusingly at
him. “You made me love you first. You made me drop my guard and trust you. Then
you took that love and trust and used it as a weapon against me. You’re a
monster. You’re selfish and you’re an asshole and you’re a monster. I wish…I
wish I never met you.”
“We both know you don’t mean that. You love me…” he started towards me again
and I still couldn’t see his face, fat tears running pitifully down my cheeks.
It amazed me that he seemed so strong during this whole conflict, even when he
cried, while I was falling apart. Maybe I loved him more than he loved me;
maybe he didn’t love me at all. If he was able to do something like this to me,
how could he?
“No…I don’t.” I do…so much.
“You do, and you trust me…”
“Not after this, never again.” If you would just take it all back…
“You’re angry and justifiably so. I understand how you feel.”
“You will never know how I feel, because I would never do this to someone I
loved. I could never do something like this to you.”
“Tae…”
“Don’t call me that!” I screamed at him. “Don’t even speak my name. You are
nothing to me, not anymore. I trusted you, Jungkook.” I shook my head. “I
trusted you like I’ve never trusted any other person since Yoongi, and I loved
you more than is humanly possible. But you would do something like this to
me…why? Why was it so easy for you to hurt me over and over again when I’ve
done nothing but love you? And to think I was about to sleep with you.” Out of
nowhere a promise from long ago surfaced, a promise to a boy I loved so much
I’d waited ten years… “I almost…fuck, I almost.” If it was all true, I’d almost
cheated. And with that realization came a horrific thought. “Jungkook…if I
hadn’t stopped to get the rings, would you have let me? Would you have let me
make love to you? If I hadn’t…if I kept…would you have let me do that?”
Guilt oozed from him; I choked on it. “I stopped it,” he stated dubiously.
“But you didn’t, not really.” I tried to recall his words from earlier; I was
right. “Not until I held out my hand for the ring. Not until I asked for a
commitment first. You would have gone through with it, right?”
His uncertainty was blatant. After a few seconds, his shoulders slumped in
defeat. “It’s just…I got swept up in the moment. I wanted to do the right
thing, I’m trying like hell to be a better person for us. But I’m only a man,
Tae, and not a very good one at that. You know that and you love me despite all
my flaws and fuckups. You are all I’ve wanted for the last two years and you
finally wanted me the same way. I’m weak, I know it, but I was strong enough to
not go through with it. I stopped.”
“Knowingly then…you knew that I saved myself for ten years. You knew how sacred
sex was to me, how much I valued it. You knew what it meant for me to go that
far and you were willing to just let me…” I felt sick. I told myself that
whatever was left of my love for him disintegrated. I didn’t want to feel
anything for him. Jungkook and I were over, for good. I would never forgive him
for this. All those urges to protect him, to care about him, vanished and I let
my tongue loose. “I cannot believe I confessed to someone, something like you.
Disgusting, self-serving bastard!”
I gave him the opportunity to say something, anything that would win me back.
He sputtered pathetically for a few seconds before he finally conceded. He had
no argument. “I’m not…I just...”
“You just? You just!” I laughed sardonically as he just stood there, not even
trying to defend himself. “Fuck you, Jungkook. I fucking hate you, do you hear
me? I HATE YOU! I wish I never met you. No, I wish I left you to die in the
street that night.”
“You don’t mean that…you can’t…” he pled. “You’re only saying this because
you’re hurt.” He said it as if he were trying to convince himself. "You're
lashing out...I understand."
“No, I mean every word of it. I don’t ever want to see your face or hear your
voice again; you’re invisible to me. Get the fuck out of this room, out of my
life…leave!”
“Hyung,” he whimpered. I saw the hurt on his face as he struggled to maintain
his composure. I didn’t care. “Where would I go?”
“I’m sure there’s a lonely man out there somewhere," I responded icily. If you
can fuck for drugs you should have no problem fucking for a place to stay.” I
took no pleasure in seeing him wince from my brashness; it hurt just as much as
if it was said to me. Maybe he had a point about guilt being just as painful.
“I don’t care where you go as long as it’s far away from me.” Then I thought of
spending another night in this room, our room, where I poured out my heart to
him…where I confessed my honest feelings to him. Him packing his shit and
leaving me when I knew what we could have been, what we could have had was too
upsetting; I needed to get out.
I went and grabbed some clothes from the closet and raced into the bathroom,
slamming the door shut behind me. I dropped the clothes onto the floor as I
made a dash for the toilet. I vomited up bile and nothingness until my stomach
muscles seized up and I curled into a ball of agony on the cold floor. I lied
there in pain, all cried out and mentally exhausted.
After my stomach calmed, I stood to rinse the repulsive taste from my mouth. As
the water ran my mind wandered…What in the hell are you doing? “I swear, it’s
not what it looks like,” I said automatically into the empty bathroom. Good,
because from here it looks like you’re trying to fuck that sink. I looked
behind me, thinking maybe Jungkook bravely followed me in, but there was no one
there. Without warning, my brain felt like it would split apart from the
overload of information pouring into it. I saw so many things at once, felt so
many things. Blue balls, Yoongi sharing his fantasy with that deep, raspy voice
as I…flames of arousal danced on my skin and I felt a flush of heat deep within
my belly. I gripped the sink to keep myself grounded. Finishing together,
kissing and cuddling, sharing our feelings after…I remembered everything up
until holding Yoongi in the hotel lobby and Jungkook interrupting us. It
stopped there.
I couldn’t take it. The emotion embedded in those memories cut into me leaving
me miserable and confused. The desire, the want I felt for him was unlike
anything I had ever felt for Jungkook. The strength of it, the desperation…
I had to get out of here. I picked up my clothes and threw them on quickly
before leaving the solitude of the bathroom. I didn’t spare a glance at
Jungkook as I took my wallet, phone, and room key and left. I heard him call my
name wretchedly, I heard him sobbing as the door slammed shut, but I ignored
it. I needed space. I needed to think. I needed to remember.
                                     *****
“Do I have to be a guest of the hotel to see the garden?”
“No, everyone is welcome.”
“Do I have to pay or get a ticket?”
“Nah, just go on in.” He gestured for me to go inside.
“Thank you,” I mumbled as I walked in, eyes blown in wonder at the beautifully
designed Chihuly glass ceilings. I couldn’t take my eyes off it, admiring the
way the sunlight made the panes sparkle like crystal. Huge, Grecian columns
lined the pathway lending a sense of grandeur and opulence. I took my time
marveling at the architecture that was more art than it was dwelling, wondering
if the garden would be as breathtaking as the path to its entrance.
My first thought when I entered was that it was small and smelled of nothing
but lemons. But small things have their charms and can be just as
beautiful…that was definitely the case as I wandered around checking out the
summer display at Bellagio’s Conservatory Botanical Garden. My second thought
was that I wished Jungkook was there with me. I buried the thought before I
could fall apart and started my tour.
It was an Italian-inspired theme this season, specifically the island of Capri,
boasting a realistically craggy landscape with vibrant multi-colored villas
sitting high and prettily above a cove-studded coastline. Floating in the small
body of water adjacent to the village were four miniaturized boats. Stone
archways that were about as tall as three of me stacked on top of each other,
along with multi-tiered fountains and a 20-foot lemon tree with enlarged fruit
brought life to the exhibition. Cool water features included a waterfall and
streams of water from the mouths of lion statues. There were large
constructions made up of nothing but flowers, including a giant lemon. There
were also lemon garlands strewn about but the best part, my absolute favorite
part…the flowers.
And there dangling from the ceiling in the center of the breathtaking scene was
an artfully decorated sun and a moon…it reminded me of Yoongi. Unaware of my
action, I grabbed the charm hanging from my neck and kissed it out of habit
before continuing my exploration. This was the perfect place to clear my head,
to try and sort this mess out.
Never did I ever imagine that Jungkook would betray me. He was so kind,
patient, and caring. Everything he did during our week in Vegas went against
his character. I tried to understand why he chose to take such drastic
measures, but with a large chunk of my memories missing I couldn’t see his
perspective. I only knew three things for certain: he wasn’t the person I
thought he was, because of him my heart was irreparably damaged, and I wanted
to die rather than live with knowing what he did.
And then there was this whole Yoongi business. He searched for me for ten
years, or so I was told. Where was the proof? What did he say to make me take
him at his word without anything to back up his story? And why did I want him
still when I hated him so much…when he abandoned me and left me to suffer in
hell alone…when I had a perfect match in Jeon Jungkook? Why did I cheat on
Jungkook with him? Well, was it really cheating if we didn’t touch each other?
But I did kiss him…I kissed him a lot. We did more than kiss actually. And we
were sort of dating, so did that mean that I was cheating on him with Jungkook?
There were so many questions and I needed answers, but I would never have them
if I couldn’t get a hold of those integral bits of memory.
The truth was that I was conflicted. Hearing that last nugget of truth from
Jungkook did me in. My brain told me that I wanted nothing more to do with
someone who could be so destructive…but my heart wouldn’t let him go. I didn’t
want to but I loved the jerk. Despite everything he did, I wanted to keep him
by my side. I knew it the moment the door closed behind me and I heard him cry.
Even though I ignored him, I wanted to go back. I knew exactly what he meant by
regret being just as painful, because I regretted every word I said to him out
of anger.
When I stepped out of the hotel I felt naked without him next to me. I had no
one to link arms with, to hold onto. I wanted him there, next to me supporting
me. He was my Jungkook and I loved him immensely. Without him, I was
incomplete.
Love was never supposed to be easy. Maybe this situation was that one
monumental obstacle we would have to get through before we knew that we were
meant for each other. Maybe that’s why I felt so broken, so empty, so utterly
done with life…I needed Jungkook. Why? Because I loved him.
But what about Yoongi then? Much of my mind focused on Jungkook because I felt
that our relationship was more significant. I didn’t know the man that Yoongi
was now. But a small part of my mind lingered on those memories of being in a
room I didn’t know and a bathroom I didn’t remember seeing…and on the feelings
which accompanied them. It’s like my brain latched onto them and fed from them.
I couldn’t turn the thoughts off; my mind craved it. Although it was mostly
background noise, I kept replaying it over and over again in my head as I
focused on Jungkook, praying desperately for some sort of epiphany that would
help me determine my next move.
To be honest, even though my pulse raced and my mouth dried up and I found it
hard to breathe while reliving those memories with Yoongi, I wanted the comfort
that came with Jungkook. He was steady, dependable. Loyal to a fault. He was my
friend and he loved me unconditionally…
But he hurt me. He hit me. He lied to me. He slept with another man. And he
manipulated me. I shouldn’t find comfort in someone like that, so why did I
want to run back to him? All Yoongi did was not show up, so why was it easier
to write him off? Then I was right back at square one again.
I continued to walk around, taking in the lovely scenery as the arguments
played on in my head. I kept ending up at the same place: I loved and hated
Jungkook, but I also loved and hated Yoongi. I had to get unstuck. I needed my
memories back.
I concentrated as hard as I could, willing my mind to unearth those buried
mental landmines so that I could know what I needed to do. I walked the entire
exhibit twice and was on my third go around with not so much as an inkling of a
recollection. I was just about ready to give up...
I paused in front of two giant orange-shaped constructions seated in a bed of
striking flowers. There weren’t many lemons in the area and my mind was
exhausted from working so hard to remember, so I took a moment to deeply inhale
the sweet, comforting smell of fresh flowers. It was a scent that always calmed
me, starting back when I was a kid. Back when I lived in Korea. I could feel my
whole body relaxing because of the familiar scent…
But there was something else, something recent that this smell represented.
“That smell…flowers?” I said aloud for no reason at all, smiling at first
before frowning. “What?” And then it all came flooding back, just like that.
Ta-da! Happy first date, Tae-Tae. The helicopter rides, the sunset, the dome,
the fairy lights, the butterflies, the flowers… “It’s beautiful, Yogi-
hyung…it’s perfect,” I choked out, strangling from the excess dialogue running
rampant in my mind as I suffered memory overload. I felt something stinging
behind my eyes. “Our first date. It was our first date.” I felt moisture on my
cheeks and something inside soared as a fierce love for him blazed in my chest.
“My Yogi?” I focused thoughts on Yoongi, just him and got rewarded with with
memory upon memory; it was so intense, so devastating that it drove me to my
knees. Dancing underneath a blanket of stars, telling him about Grandfather,
showing him my scars, him begging me to forgive him for not being there when it
wasn't his fault. His story…starvation, the scar on his arm, a rope and fire; I
almost lost him permanently. I sat there, shoulders shaking under an unbearable
weight of emotion as I cried for the man I loved. I loved him and I almost lost
him without knowing. I loved Min Yoongi.
I got it all back, everything, even the stuff from the night we first met in
the casino and I spilled my drink on him. “Yoongi-hyung,” I groaned as the
vision of him overpowered all my other senses. I punched him. I yelled at him.
I saw him for what I thought was the first time again in his penthouse...that
room I didn’t know. We talked it out. I tried to fuck him against a wall. Then
I went to Jungkook to explain…that’s when the world warped. Everything was
fucked up from that point on and it really was all my fault.
Because I was unable to decide, to choose between them, this is what happened.
I recognized that my indecision wasn’t truly the only cause for all of this,
none of us were innocent, not really. My indecision, however, was a major
contributing factor. I could have made things a hell of a lot easier for Yoongi
and Jungkook if I hadn’t tried to hold on to both of them; if I hadn’t tried so
hard to avoid hurting them. I only made things worse. My inability to choose
triggered their insecurities and made them do things they wouldn’t normally
do…things they shouldn’t do.
Then there was that dream I had. I couldn’t recall most of it, but I did
remember making a firm choice. I chose Yoongi. There was no other choice for
me. I loved Jungkook, but he was not Yoongi. What I felt for him It was strong,
but it was different. It wasn't all-consuming, all-encompassing, mind-numbing
love like I experienced with Yoongi. It was still love though, just on a
smaller scale.
All of this could have been prevented if I told Yoongi that morning we left the
dome; if I hadn’t been such a coward because I thought he didn’t want me and
just spit out how I felt. If I told him then that he was the only one I wanted,
then Jungkook would have never made that stupid ultimatum.
I thought of poor Jungkook probably still beating himself up in the hotel
room…what had I done? I picked myself up and wiped my face, disregarding the
concerned looks I got from security and the other visitors. I had to get back
to him. I had to make things right between us because yes, even after
everything he did, I loved him dearly. And most importantly, I had to be honest
with him. I had to put him out of his misery about Yoongi. I didn’t want him
suffering anymore, not because of me.
I sped out of there with a light mind, but a heavy heart. I was determined to
fix all of it, starting with my Kookie.
                                     *****
I entered the room to find a still weeping Jungkook clutching his Taedy bear.
His head shot up as soon as the door closed and he leapt from the bed at a
half-run, snotting and crying with his arms outreached. It must have taken a
few minutes for his brain to catch up with his heart, because he stopped just
short of touching me, letting his hands and head fall in defeat. “Y-you’re
back. I’m…you’re here.” He took a deep breath. “You’re safe.” Then he looked at
me as if he feared what I would do next; that shit hurt.
“You’re still here.” Something in my chest tightened and my movements were
choppy as I moved toward him. “You stayed even though I told you to leave?”
He backed away. “I was going to leave, really, but I had to…I couldn’t while
you were gone. I had to be sure you were okay first. I’m already packed up, and
now that I know…”
“I’m glad…I’m so glad you stayed Kookie.” I closed the distance between us
quickly and wrapped him in my arms. His body was stiff and he trembled terribly
as he struggled to stay in control. “I was so worried, so scared that you
listened to me. Don’t ever leave, okay? Stay with me always, please.” He
nodded, wet face glistening in the rapidly fading sunlight; I kissed him long
and hard. “I was so worried that you left before I could apologize. And don’t
ever look at me like that ever again, it breaks my heart to think you’re scared
of me, baby.” He nodded, sniffling cutely as affection flooded my heart. I
truly did love him. “I’m sorry for how I treated you earlier.” I felt the
tension evaporate as he sagged into me. “I remember everything…I understand it
all. I forgave you then and I feel the same way now. I get it, I sincerely get
why you felt you had to do the things you did. For all those hurtful words, for
everything I said, I’m sorry.” I kissed him all over, cupping his face in my
hands. “I’m really, really sorry. I’m so sorry, baby.”
“No, it’s okay,” he managed despite my lips attacking his face. “Honestly, I
expected much worse than that. And I could tell that your heart wasn’t in it. I
know you didn’t want to hurt me…but you should have. Even after this, you’re
still too good to me, Tae.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t excuse my behavior. Wrong is wrong. The things I said…no
one should treat someone they love the way I treated you.”
“You…still? You love me?” His wet eyes lit up. “I’m someone you love?”
“Kookie, of course you are. Even when I was angry and stupid, I loved you. Even
now after being a jerk and an idiot, I still love you.”
“You aren’t either of those things, Tae.” He locked his arms around my waist; I
roped mine around his neck. “Those words may have been hard to hear, but
everything you said was true.”
“You should expect better than that from me, Jungkook. I’m so sorry for making
you cry and for saying such horrible things. I won’t lie to you and say that I
didn’t mean them then, but my anger had a lot to do with the words I spoke. Now
that I’m calm, now that I remember everything, I wish I could take it all
back.” I kissed him again and it was as easy, as normal as taking a breath.
"And thank you for stopping it earlier. I know how long you waited for me, how
patient you were the whole time. It had to be hell for you to give up something
you wanted so much. But you did it for me and I'm so grateful to you." I kissed
him again. “Do you forgive me?”
“Why when you’ve done nothing wrong? Your outburst was nothing compared to some
other stuff, you know, in my past…from my dad. And it was justified. You’ve
always swallowed your anger and your irritation to spare me. I’m glad you
finally got to let it go. You should be angry at what I did. You should hate me
for it.”
“But I don’t, I can’t. I still love you as much now as I always have. Being
angry with you, being disappointed in your actions…none of that changes the
fact that I love you Jeon Jungkook. And I always will.”
“No matter how many times I fuck up…I know.”
“But you didn’t fuck up this time, Jungkook. You told me the truth even though
it painted you in a bad light. You accepted responsibility. You didn’t run out
and do something stupid because you were upset. You didn’t retaliate even
though I said some pretty fucked up things to you. You put me first and you
have no idea how proud I am of you. The man I saw in you from the beginning,
that goodness, I’m so glad you’re finally embracing it.”
“Then that means…wow, you really do forgive me.” A hesitant smile crept up on
his face.
“Actually, no…” his face fell, “…because you did nothing wrong, not
intentionally. When I said that I understand you, I meant it. I know you
must’ve felt desperate, backed into a corner, for you to go to such lengths.
I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”
He frowned. “I think I liked mean Tae better. At least he called me on my
bullshit. I was dead wrong.”
“It’s not that I’m not calling you on it, I am, it’s just that I empathize.”
He smiled ruefully. “Then…I don’t really have to leave you? Since we understand
each other and all…”
“Just try it and see what happens.” I smiled at him. “You’re stuck with me
forever, come hell or high water. You’re my best friend and I love you too much
to let you go.”
“I love you, too. More than anything, hyung. Too much, really.”
I kissed him again then, hoping he felt all the genuine love I had for him. I
know for certain that I felt his, tingling in my toes and fingertips…even in
the strands of my hair. His love was bright and beautiful…but there was
something missing. And as much as I wanted to stay with Jungkook, to love him
like this for the rest of my life, I couldn’t betray my heart. I wouldn’t make
the same mistake and try to pad my feelings or ignore them for his sake. I
loved Jungkook, but he wasn’t Yoongi. And I had to tell him.
“I know it’s shit timing but I have to talk to you. I know how it seems…I can’t
stop myself from kissing you and holding you, but I don’t want to lead you on
and hurt you again. I do love you and I like to show that love by being
affectionate, especially in a situation like this when I want you to feel
better, but I don’t want to send the wrong signals. I must be honest with you,
Kookie. About Yoongi and me…”
“Ah…that.” He sighed heavily, resigned. “There’s no need to talk. I already
know, hyung. I’ve known since that morning I saw you two together. It’s why I
was so desperate, you see?” He stepped out of my arms and it felt like losing a
limb. It felt wrong for him not to be there. “You love me, I know that’s true,
but your love for him is different. He’s who you choose and I’m more than okay
with that now. In fact, I encourage you to do it.”
“Jungkookie…why?” I couldn’t believe he had grown so much in such a brief time.
The old Jungkook would have fought me on this tooth and nail. He would have
pitched a fit and whined and complained and argued. He would have done
something dramatic and played on my sympathetic nature to get his way. But he
was honestly trying to change and it made me love him that much more.
He shrugged as if it were no big deal…nothing. “As much as I hate to admit it,
I’m not mature enough for you…not yet. I still have a lot to learn and I’m not
entirely sure I won’t fuck up again. I don’t ever want to risk hurting you like
this again. Before I can love you properly, I need to work on loving myself
first.”
“So, you’re breaking up with me then?” I asked, humor underlying my tone.
“It sucks, but tough tits, Tae.” I smacked him hard on the arm. “If I don’t let
you go now, there’s a chance I might do something to push you away forever. I
don’t want that. Besides, you and Yoongi make sense. You two work in a way that
you and I don’t, not yet at least.”
Hearing him affirm my belief without knowing me saying it made me feel so much
better about my decision. It didn’t make it hurt any less though, the thought
of not being with Jungkook anymore. What we had was unique and beautiful…it was
love. “I wish we didn’t have to end.”
“I know, me either, but Yoongi and I aren’t exactly the sharing type.” He
laughed softly. “We’re not as tolerant as you are. But don’t think I’m giving
you up completely…I’m just taking a brief hiatus.”
I bit my lip. “I know I shouldn’t feel it, but I still want you. Is that
weird?” He looked like he wanted to say something but I didn’t give him a
chance to answer, shaking my head and holding up a finger to stop him from
talking. It was too early for me to be backpedaling already. I decided; I would
stick with it. “It’s going to be hard, letting you go.”
“You don’t have to because I’m not going anywhere remember?” He grabbed my hand
and kissed it, before frowning at it. “Wait a second.” He jetted to the
nightstand and picked up the ring laying there.
As he walked back towards me I could feel the panic building because I didn’t
know how I would turn him down. The whole purpose of our trip was this moment,
us committing to each other. I couldn’t though, not when Yoongi was the one I
couldn’t live without. “Jeon Jungkook…what are you doing?”
He only smiled. “Do you trust me?” I didn’t hesitate, not one bit; I nodded. He
went down on one knee and it was the cheesiest thing he ever did. I couldn’t
help but laugh. “You don’t have to promise me anything, because you’ve already
showed me through your actions for the last two years. I’m happy that you put
this ring on my finger and I’m proud to be bound to you, even though it means
something entirely different now that our relationship has changed. Kim
Taehyung, with this ring I promise to be there for you no matter the
circumstance. I’ll always keep you in my heart and love you for the rest of my
life, because you are my most valued, treasured friend. I’ll always be there to
protect you. I promise to never leave your side…” he took a deep breath then,
“even if it hurts me.” I felt a stab right through my heart because Jungkook in
pain was something I never wanted to witness again after today. He went on...
“I promise to always make time for you; to comfort you when you’re stressed, to
make you smile when you’re sad…to let you win every now and then when we play
video games.” We both laughed loudly; I smacked him upside his head gently and
he winced like it was the most painful thing he ever experienced. “I’ll never
let you down again. I promise to be honest, to be loyal, to be a better man,
and to keep Yoongi-hyung on his toes.” He wiggled his brows and I giggled. “I
offer you my friendship. Please accept it.”
“Of course, I accept.” How could I refuse him when it was exactly what I
wanted? I watched him slip it onto the ring finger of my right hand. “It’s a
perfect fit. I’ll never take it off. Thanks, Kookie.” I beamed at him and then
leaned down to kiss the corner of his mouth, laughing lightly as I watched him
go pink. “A friendship promise ring…such a cute idea.”
I helped him stand. “Well, it’s the next best thing to having you as…” he let
the rest of the sentence die, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Besides, in a
few years I’m sure I’ll be ready for you. I’m going to work hard on myself so
that I can be the kind of man you’re proud to call yours.”
“But I’m already proud to call you mine.” It may have been wrong to say it to
someone I was ending a romance with, but it was true. I promised I would be
honest with him, so I told him the truth. I was proud of him and I considered
myself lucky have his love and loyalty. There would always be a part of me that
saw him as mine, even when he decided to move on with someone else. And I would
always be his. It wasn’t possessiveness or anything like that, it was just
natural to think of each other that way after having only each other for such a
long time.
His smile was all cockiness and bravado…dramatically different from that sad
little balled up kid who sat crying on the bed when I first entered the room.
“Good to hear…not just that you’re proud, but that you consider me yours.” I
blushed a bit at that one. “I am, you know, fully and completely yours. And I
plan to give Yoongi-hyung some heavy competition in the future, so prepare
yourself for me Kim Taehyung.”
“Promises, promises,” I grinned. “And what will your friend Min Yoongi think
about these plans of yours to steal me away?”
“Trust me, he expects it. He would do the same if he were in my shoes.”
“Ah. Well, then I guess I better prepare myself.” I looked at the ring on my
finger, smiling shyly. Yes, it would be extremely hard to let Jungkook go.
“So, what are you going to do now? You’ve made a decision…should you try to
call Yoongi-hyung?”
“No, I want to see him. It’s been days and if I don’t see his face tonight I’m
going to go fucknuts.”
“Well, looks like we’re checking out a day early. I’m sure you can get a flight
out tonight.”
"Me...alone?" I sulked. “What about you? Aren't you coming with me?”
He puffed his chest out playfully. “Speaking as a mature, principled man now,”
I rolled my eyes at him, “I feel like it’s best that I’m not there for your
reunion.” A shadow of sadness passed over his face, so quick I almost missed
it. “I’ll head home and wait for you there.” He frowned a bit. “You are coming
home eventually, right?”
I hugged him. “Of course. I promise, you’re stuck with me, Jungkookie.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he whispered against my neck, squeezing me
tight.
                                     *****
I stood there holding his hand, not wanting to let him go. “If I miss this
plane, I’m going to have to wait a whole six hours for the next one, Tae,” he
grumbled. “It’s okay, I’ll be fine.”
“Take care of yourself, for me, okay? And if you get bored, call me first. And
don’t talk to any strangers. And call Joon and Jin before you land so they can
be there to pick you up. And call me when you get home safely. And don’t eat
junk food right before bed or you won’t sleep well. And…”
“Ah, so cute.” He poked my cheek, before slipping his hand around to grip the
back of my neck. “Don’t worry too much about me, Tae. I promise, I’ll be fine.”
I nodded, a bit frantic. “My flight is going to be longer, so call me as soon
as you land to let me know you got there safely. And text Yoongi-hyung to let
him know you’re coming, use the new number I gave you.” I nodded again. “It’s
strange that he hasn’t called or texted all day…” the loudspeaker interrupted
him. We both listened as they made the last call for his flight. “Well, that’s
it. Kim Taehyung, I’ll see you at home.” He let go of my hand and it dropped
limply to my side. He turned and walked away from me, towards the ticket agent
standing near the doors. After this moment, there would be no more us. I
couldn’t hold myself back, not without letting him know that I wished there
were a better solution. It took all of ten seconds for me to chase after him.
“Kookie!” I called as I ran hysterically towards him. He turned to me, possibly
wondering if he forgot something…he did. I threw my arms around him and kissed
him with a fervor that was inhuman; it would be our last kiss and it had to be
memorable. I had to convey so many things, like how much he meant to me and how
lucky I felt to have him in my life. I tasted so many emotions on his tongue;
sorrow, fear, worry, confusion, hurt, anger, even joy…but most prevalent was
love. When we finally broke apart, there was moment when the air felt heavy and
I thought I would fall into despair due to the finality the kiss brought. I
waited to see if he understood how hard it was for me to say goodbye to him. I
needed to know he knew that I would never stop loving him. Ever.
Then that smile that reminded me of pancakes on Sunday mornings and anime
marathons on Saturdays, of crossword puzzles on Wednesdays and reality tv night
on Mondays; the smile that helped me through sleepless nights and rainy days;
the smile that lit my way when I was immersed in darkness and shunned by
love…it broke out across his face and I knew that we would be okay. It would
take time, but we would get there…together. “See you soon, Baehyung,” he
murmured as he caressed my cheek lovingly.
I giggled, leaning into the touch. “Later, Sprungkook.” His feather-light
touches disappeared too abruptly for my liking and my hand flew up to try and
mimic the movements his hand made; it failed. I watched him hand his ticket to
the lady, who glanced at it quickly and handed it back. He looked back at me
once, eyes dancing, smile big and bright. Then he was gone.
I watched the door long after it slammed shut, locking me away from him; long
after the plane took off down the runway and was safely in the sky headed
towards the east coast. It shouldn't feel like this, not if I chose correctly.
My heart shouldn't be breaking like this. I never knew that doing the right
thing could hurt this much…that following my heart would be this painful. I
twisted the ring around my finger fretfully, no doubt in my mind that I did the
right thing, but still silently mourning the loss of my Jungkook.
Chapter End Notes
     So, I had a couple of concerns with this chapter.
     1.Does it seem like Taekook worked it out too soon? I thought about
     making Kookie suffer a bit more, but there are other conflicts
     arising (Hoseok, Grandfather, and Jungkook's brothers/family trouble)
     so I wanted to settle this quickly. Also, I felt like it went against
     Tae's forgiving nature that's been established from the start of
     this. Him holding grudges isn't something I can imagine, so I let him
     snap, but then made him regret it. It feels right, but I'm unsure if
     it worked. Plus, I just can't stand to see Taekook at odds. It's
     makes me uncomfortable as a hardcore shipper, hehehe. I hope it
     worked, but....hmmm....
     2. Did Tae's memories come back too soon? I thought that maybe since
     they were memories he didn't want to lose in the first place they
     were easier to retrieve. I noticed that he didn't regain any of the
     bad memories like the torture dreams or anything from before
     Vegas...ah, I'm writing it, but I don't know how I want it to work.
     Did it seem too phony?
     Or I could be just trying to find something wrong with it. I don't
     know. Let me know what you guys think.
     Ugh, Taekook when they're just being themselves it is so cute. There
     were so many 'Aws' and exclamations of the like once the drama was
     settled and the lovefest started. Personal opinion, Jungkook's vows
     were perfectly done (he lowkey stole this idea from Taegi lol),
     serious and heartfelt with just a dash of humor, and I found myself
     questioning my decision. Briefly. Okay, maybe a bit longer than
     briefly. Like, briefly imagining a whole sequel where Kookie gets
     integrated into Taegi. It was just a thought, but who knows...maybe
     I'll revisit it one day. Seriously, I'm as indecisive as Tae, lol. ;)
     The Taekook goodbye...I imagine this is what a dickpunch feels like.
     It was so final, but don't worry lovelies, Taekook won't be moving in
     separate orbits...in fact, I think this brought them even closer. So
     don't worry that you won't get to see them together, that is
     definitely not the case. ;)
     Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm still not accustomed to this new
     time frame to push out a chapter, but I think I'm doing okay
     considering.
     Up Next:
     44 - Paying With Pain Kim Taehyung meets Jung Hoseok a.k.a. Tae
     enters California hopeful, but leaves heartbroken.
***** Paying With Pain *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung and Hoseok meet. Taehyung's worst fear is realized. Taehyung
     reverts.
Chapter Notes
     So this chapter, it's kinda personal to me. We've always known that
     Tae was broken and we can surmise why, but this is the first time he
     addresses it in detail. I think anybody who has suffered from abuse
     can understand why Tae does what he does. Sometimes it's easier to
     live with pain you're familiar with...I know it was for me. So love
     it or hate it, it's sincere and from my heart. I hope you can feel
     it.
     This weekend I went through and read all the comments from start to
     finish...it's a story in itself, lol. I hope you guys know that when
     I'm expressing my appreciation, it's not some superficial bs. I've
     said from the start that I was afraid no one would read this, so
     getting this kind of response is overwhelming for me. I'm still
     shocked, but I'm so happy readers are enjoying it.
     Who has two thumbs and loves every single last one of you...this
     girl. Hehehehehe
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Twenty minutes in the air and I still sat staring at the phone. I needed to
text Yoongi and let him know I was on my way, but I also wanted to let him know
why I was coming. Saying it face to face would be too hard; just looking at him
for too long tended to short circuit my brain. But if I could just warn him,
put the most important part in text, maybe my confession would be easier.
I knew I shouldn’t be nervous, but I was so afraid of what Yoongi might say.
Now that I had time to think about it, now that I could remember everything,
his face that morning before we left the dome wouldn’t leave my mind. He didn’t
want the same thing I wanted, I just knew it. Therefore, I sat staring at his
contact info too scared to call or text him.
Him not wanting me wasn’t the worst-case scenario, but I just couldn’t move
past it. I couldn’t picture spending the rest of my life without him loving me
the way I loved him. My imagination ran wild with different scenarios of him
shutting me down, the reasons varying from me being too much of a burden to him
realizing that he didn’t feel the same way he had in the past. Whatever the
reason, it would crush me…it would break me.
But it’s not the worst that could happen. Worst would be never seeing Yoongi
again. Worst would be watching Yoongi move on with someone else. Worst would be
holding in the truth about how I felt about him and never knowing whether he
felt the same way. It would be torture, to never know…
I had to say something. At the very least, I had to let him know I was on my
way. Even though he said I could, I couldn’t just show up unexpectedly and
invade his space, his privacy. So, I took a deep breath and started typing,
biting my lip anxiously. It couldn’t be something as mundane as Yoongi, I
choose you. Too basic. It didn’t capture the complexity, the effort, the mental
strain it took to decide. It had to be something meaningful, something he would
understand.
                                                               Me: Yogi…my Yogi
                                                               Me: Only for you
                                                 Me: I embrace the monster I am
                                                      Me: After all these years
                                                    Me: I’m finally coming home
                                                             Me: Plz welcome me
It was so perfectly cheesy and cringey, yet exclusive to us. It seemed like
days instead of minutes before I received his response.
Yogi: Taehyung?
How was it possible that one typed word could make me feel so cold? There was
no warmth, no relief, no emotion. No, 'Tae you’re awake!' No 'Hubby, I’m glad
you’re okay.' Just my given name. Not a cute nickname, just my given name. It
didn’t feel right, but I had to be reading too much into it. Unless…
                                                                     Me: Hyung?
                                                                  Me: Are u ok?
Yogi: I’m fine, Taehyung
Yogi: Coming home to where?
He was the one who told me that he was my home…did he forget so soon? So
easily? And why did he keep calling me Taehyung? Why not Tae-Tae or hubby or
Taehyungie even? Was I right? Did he wise up and realize he could do so much
better than someone like me?
                                                                Me: I’m omw 2 u
                                                           Me: On the plane now
                                                          Me: Soon we’ll be f2f
Yogi: You shouldn’t come
Three words. That’s all it took to let me know that my fears were not
unfounded. It was more and more likely that he didn’t feel the same way I felt.
But I couldn’t give up on him, not after everything it took for me to get here.
Not after breaking poor Jungkook’s heart. If he didn’t feel the same way, he at
the very least owed me an explanation. And I refused to settle things through
text.
                                                                         Me: Y?
                                                                Me: Yogi-hyung?
Yogi: Don’t come here
                                                Me: You said I never had to ask
                                             Me: You said I could come whenever
                                                      Me: 2 late, can’t go back
                                                   Me: Plus, I really wanna c u
                                                       Me: tty when I get there
He didn’t bother to respond and it solidified my belief. The entire time I
hoped that maybe I was wrong, that those destructive thoughts were just doubts
planted there from my time with Grandfather. But I was right. Yoongi didn’t
want me. It was the only explanation for these text messages.
I tucked my phone away and settled back in my seat. I didn’t allow myself to
break down, not yet. All I wanted was an explanation, and possibly a guarantee
that we could rebuild our friendship. I didn’t want to go through life with the
glaring, unbearable hole he would leave again; those burdensome feelings of
emptiness and longing. I reminded myself that him not loving me was bad, but it
wasn’t the worst that could happen.
                                     *****
Minutes after security called and got permission to let me up, I stood in the
hallway in front of his door trying desperately to reign in my anxiety. There
had to be something I could say, something I could do to show him my commitment
and change his mind about me. I would reassure hyung that I wouldn’t waver;
that I was stable and strong enough that he could depend on me to be there for
him when he needed me. All I needed was a chance to prove myself.
When I finally rang the doorbell, I was a complete bundle of nerves. I couldn’t
stop trembling and my head swam with all the arguments necessary to make my
case to Yoongi. I told myself that even if he wanted to end our romance, I
could walk away happily if I saw him and secured a place as his friend. That’s
all I needed.
The door opened almost immediately and I braced myself for whatever expression
I would see on his handsome face…would it be irritation? Would it be anger?
Would it be disgust? Would it be hatred? Or even more horrible than those,
would I see indifference? None of it really mattered if I got to see his face
again. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to see him.
I didn’t see any of those expressions…it wasn’t even Yoongi who answered the
door. It was a tall, lanky man wearing a beautifully immense, yet somehow empty
smile. He was very handsome, eyes shining with an almost suspicious merriment
and amusement. He didn’t seem surprised at all to see me, so I guess Yoongi
told him I would be arriving. Even though it was late in the evening he wore an
expensive suit, but cute, fluffy slippers on his feet.
“Taehyung Kim, I presume?” He was so cultured, composed, and elegant that I
found myself feeling inadequate, even if only for a few seconds; his phoniness
was enough to staunch those insecurities. From the moment he opened his mouth,
any illusion he sought to impart was lost. The phrase ‘a wolf in sheep’s
clothing’ sprang to mind, but I didn’t want to judge him based on an
assumption…even though my gut told me that he shouldn’t be trusted.
I could tell he was pompous and over-privileged. There was nothing genuine or
warm about the man and I could tell that he was the type to put on airs; I
could tell he was currently putting on airs. I hated people like him and I
thought Yoongi shared that sentiment. Guess I was mistaken. “Yes…and you are?”
I asked civilly, smiling. I put on a mask of extreme politeness to cover my
inward repulsion. He was just some guy to me, trying to impress someone who
wasn’t interested in being impressed.
“Hoseok Jung.”
Hearing the name made my smile vanish. So, this was him; the man who took my
place as Yoongi’s best friend. I sized him up. He was just as gorgeous as I
imagined, maybe even more so. I didn’t know for sure if it was jealousy that
made me feel like I couldn’t trust him, but my intuition told me to be wary. I
forced a tight smile. “Yoongi mentioned you a lot. Nice to meet you.” I
extended my hand in greeting, but he purposely ignored it and waved me in. I
think it was then that I abandoned any hope of liking him.
“Sad to say I can’t say the same. You’re a bit of a sore subject, so we don’t
tend to discuss you.” I couldn’t believe he said it while smiling the entire
time. Asshole. “Yoongi told me that you were arriving tonight, but I didn’t
think you had the mettle to actually show your face when he told you not to.
You’re brave. Please remove your shoes and come in. You can leave your bag here
in the foyer for the time being.”
I walked past him into Yoongi’s home and stepped out of my shoes, glancing
around in curiosity. He motioned for me to follow him, and I did so quietly,
taking in the state of the place. It was such a dark and sterile place; it was
depressing. There was no color, no warmth, no personality…no sign that someone
lived there. There was nothing personal; no pictures lined the walls or tables,
no knickknacks that displayed his tastes, nothing. It was extraordinarily
clean, like some sort of museum. It was so…cold.
“You can have a seat wherever,” Hoseok gestured grandly towards the sofas as he
took a seat in a recliner.
“Ok…thanks,” I replied, feeling a little uncomfortable that he was so damned at
ease here. Who was he to offer me a seat in my hyung’s house? If I didn’t know
any better, I would believe he lived here. I had a feeling that it’s exactly
what he wanted me to think. I chose the sofa nearest to him and put my guard
up. “I really need to speak with Yoongi. If you would be so kind as to fetch
him for me…it’s urgent.”
“Fetch him? Do I look like a dog to you?”
“Oh, sorry. I meant no offense.” I lowkey did. I didn’t like the way he looked
at me and I didn’t like the way he carried himself as if he were the man of the
manor. It irked me, he irked me, so the dig slipped out in retaliation. It was
so unlike me though; I was a bit embarrassed that he dragged me down to his
level. I was better than that.
“No offense meant? None taken, I guess. But Yoongi isn’t here. He called to
tell me you were on your way here, so I’ve been waiting up for you just in case
you showed. And here you are, without so much as an invitation. How daring of
you.”
Waiting up…as if he would be lying down if I weren’t here. Was he insinuating
that he slept here? What an idiot! “Luckily, Yoongi-hyung himself told me that
I never need one. He even gave me the keycode to the front door…” his jaw
tightened and a flash of anger made his eyes darken. “but I didn’t want to
barge in on my first visit. And I’m sorry for keeping you awake, but there was
no need for you to remain fully suited. I’m not someone you need to dress up
for, Hoseok. You could have changed before you came here, that way you wouldn’t
have to do much when you go back home.” It was the first time I held the upper
hand in this whole conversation, I didn’t want to give it back so easily. He
frowned, his ruse to incite my jealousy ruined. I refused to jump to
conclusions about Yoongi’s love life, especially without just cause. I already
learned my lesson from making the same mistake before, believing Yoongi gave up
on me. Besides, finding Yoongi was the priority, not getting into an argument
with his pet. “So, he called you? From where?”
“Does it really matter where he is?”
“It does because wherever he is, it’s where I need to be. He and I have
something very important to discuss.”
“I’m not sure Yoongi has anything further to discuss with you. He left…he
didn’t want to be anywhere close to here when you arrived.”
And there it was. He asked me not to come but I didn’t listen, so he ran away
from me. “Did he say why?”
“Some drivel about it being ‘too much.’ I’m not sure if you’re aware, but
Yoongi has suffered greatly in your absence and he was just starting to mend…”
“He told me all about it.” I interrupted. “He told me he did so with hopes of
finding me again.” I felt lit from within, thinking of how sincere he was when
he told me his story. My pride in his strength was overwhelming, and I’m sure
the discomfort on Hoseok’s face was due to the out-of-the-blue, flood of
affection that had me hugging myself as I smiled happily. “I gave him a reason
to keep living.”
“Like that matters when I’m the one who kept him alive,” he muttered angrily. I
glared at him and he regained his composure almost immediately. But it was too
late; I knew this guy was jealous of me. What exactly was his relationship with
my Yoongi? “Then you are also aware how much of a trigger you are to him,
right?” he asked, though it seemed more like an accusation.
I shook my head adamantly, ready to defend myself. “That’s not true. He assured
me that I wasn’t a trigger, just situations that involved me. But our last
matter of contention has been resolved, which is why I am here. There are no
longer any barriers between us. I’m here to tell him that.”
“Sure,” he said, rolling his eyes as if it was something to placate me. I
frowned at him openly. “Except, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” yet
his smile was brighter than it had been the entire time, “but he received a
text from your prostitute earlier…”
My jaw clenched and my fists balled automatically. “I assume you mean
Jungkookie. He isn’t my prostitute.”
“Well, what is he?” He searched the ceiling as if it held an answer before
meeting my eyes again. “I’m pretty sure that anyone who sells their body for
money, drugs, or gifts is called as such. Am I wrong?” He raised a perfectly
lined brow, smirking as he boringly examined his well-manicured hands. “Or has
the meaning changed without my knowledge?”
“You…” I fought hard to respect Yoongi’s household, though it seemed like this
guy wanted to provoke a reaction. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
“Jungkook hasn’t…” and I thought briefly back to days ago when Jungkook slipped
into his old habits out of distress. He made a mistake, sure, but he wasn’t a
prostitute. Anything he did in the past was out of necessity or to support his
bad habit—no, Jungkook would say I was making excuses for his actions. But I
couldn’t stand by and let this person degrade my Kookie. “I’d appreciate it if
you called him by his name. That isn’t who he is. He’s is someone I value,
someone I love. To address him in such a manner is…”
“Honest,” he interrupted, meeting me with a steely glare. “It’s nothing but
honest. I’m not judging him, I don’t know him or care enough about the guy to
do so. I’m merely stating what is. I mean no harm.” He smiled then and it was
the oiliest, most menacing thing I ever saw.
I felt rage swirling around in my gut. It took everything in me not to leap
across the small distance separating us and choking him to death. For some
reason, I felt like that was what he wanted. I restrained myself. “I would
appreciate it if you respected him. Yoongi cares about him too, and he wouldn’t
be happy to hear you address him so discourteously.”
“How cute!” he teased. “Whatever he is, he sent a text message stating that you
were awake and trying to propose to him…and sleep with him if I’m not
mistaken?” I bit the inside of my jaw in irritation. It’s not like I did those
things while cognizant. As soon as my memory returned, I fixed everything. “It
wasn’t just those things, but that you were able to forget him so easily. I’m
sorry to tell you that it greatly impacted my Yoongi.”
“Your Yoongi?” And it all fell into place in my head. This person was jealous
and trying to flaunt his closeness; Hoseok and Yoongi had more than just a
friendship. It had to be why he was so hostile towards me.
This phony bastard, with his ten-dollar vocabulary and his above-it-all
demeanor. Though I didn’t understand why he did it at first, I knew from the
beginning he wanted to lord himself over me; like he was better than me. Now I
knew why…I was his competition. Status and wealth, things like that didn’t
matter to me so he could never beat me in that regard. His relationship to my
Yoongi though, that was something that mattered very much. It was time to stop
playing around. “How was he impacted?”
“Well, I stopped him before he could...” he dramatically paused, and then
stood. “How rude of me, I didn’t even offer you a beverage. Would you like
something to drink? Water…tea?”
“No, I’m fine. I just want to know about Yoongi.” He deliberately tried to
steer me off track, he was too obvious. My fingernails scraped harshly against
my pants as I tried desperately to claw through the material and get to the
skin underneath. “What happened to him?” I had a bad feeling…
“Yoongi,” he walked away, heading into another room. I heard the definitive
clink of ice falling into a glass and the sound of a cabinet closing. He
rejoined me, sitting gracefully in the recliner with his ankles crossed. He
swirled the ice around in the glass before taking a sip. “I caught him right
before he tried to self-harm again.”
I stood abruptly, panicked and mind spinning. “Where is he? Is he in the
hospital? Can we go to see him? Eomma and Appa…are they with him? Do they
know?”
He tutted at me, seeming completely at ease. “He didn’t get a chance to do
anything; I stopped it. But the fact that he tried again made him face some
harsh truths about the relationship between you two.”
“Did it?” Maddening alarm bells and whistles sounded endlessly in my head,
warning me that something was off.
“It did. He decided that he’s had enough. He wants to get better for himself
now, not for you. He talked to his parents and they all decided that it’s best
if he leaves you in the past where you belong.”
Even though I had my doubts about Yoongi’s feelings for me, this sounded like
fabricated bullshit to me. “And he said this to you? Why wouldn’t he tell me
himself?”
“Because he didn’t want to feel pressured into accepting you. He didn’t want
you to guilt trip him again. He said that he was too weak and that if he saw
you he would definitely change his mind. So, as soon as he knew you were
coming, he left.”
“Guilt trip?” I searched my memories of our time together for any indication
that Yoongi felt forced to love me. There was nothing. And Yoongi wasn’t the
typed to be bullied into anything anyway. It’s almost like Hoseok didn’t know
him at all. “You’re lying. I’ve never pressured my hyung into anything. He
wouldn’t say something like that.”
“Maybe not in those exact words, but I was trying to spare your feelings. If
you want particulars, he said that you were cancerous and poisonous.” He smiled
his first real smile since I got here. “He said that it hurt too much trying to
stay by your side, that the struggle to put up with you and your shit would
devour him until there was nothing left. He said trouble followed you wherever
you went and that you were an endless source of stress. He said that he wanted
to carve you out of himself, so that he couldn’t feel this way ever again. He
said that he wished he never found you. He said you were a burden…”
I started to doubt myself then. Even I had entertained a few of those thoughts
about myself. It wasn’t a big leap to believe that Yoongi thought the same.
“Stop, please.” His words were like daggers, and from the expression on his
face he thoroughly enjoyed throwing them. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I
couldn’t take anymore because now I wasn’t certain if what he said was untrue.
It sounded eerily similar to everything I thought before coming here. “That’s
enough…this is a conversation I need to have Yoongi. If you could please tell
me where to find him, I’ll go there and settle this face to face.”
“That won’t happen because he doesn’t trust himself to follow through with his
decision. He bestowed upon me the honor of telling you because he knew that I
wouldn’t waver. He knew I would be sure that you received his message well. He
trusts me implicitly. You and Yoongi are over. He doesn’t want to be with you.”
“But…” Hearing it out loud was so much worse than hearing it in my mind. But I
had to be certain that Yoongi really felt this way. Voices whispered to me that
I shouldn’t trust Hoseok’s words, but I couldn’t tell if it was intuition or
wishful thinking. Either way, it would be unwise to trust a stranger who
already harbored hatred for me, especially when it was about something as
monumental as my relationship with Yoongi. “And if I’m unwilling to accept this
without seeing him first, without hearing it from his own lips, then what?”
“I’m afraid you have no choice. Firstly, I’m not to contact him until you are
gone. Also, and it brings me no joy to tell you this,” he said seriously,
uncrossing his ankles and leaning forward. “As soon as he realized how damaging
you were to him and he asked me to deliver the news, he was moved my
willingness to speak in his stead. He recognized my loyalty to him. He saw how
patient and supportive I was over the years, how deeply and well I loved
him…cared for him.” he smiled brilliantly, eyes boring deep into me awaiting a
reaction. “He confessed to me.”
“No, that’s a lie.” I whimpered pitifully, involuntarily. “He…my Yogi wouldn’t
confess to you. He said that he didn’t want anyone else.” I closed my eyes and
clutched at the necklace hanging from my neck. “When he put this around my
neck, he said he didn’t have to wait for him to pick him because he chose me.”
I said it more to myself than I did to him. I opened my eyes again, still
gripping the charm. He leaned back into the chair, crossing his ankles again
and sipping his drink smugly while my mind raced trying to find some other
explanation for what was going on. But I couldn’t think of anything…I had to
admit that it was highly possible that Hoseok told the truth. Why else would he
have so much knowledge about what went down between Jungkook and I. If he were
lying, he was very convincing. “He chose me. He wants only me. He’s committed
to me. He said that you two were only friends, like brothers.”
“I’m afraid Yoongi lied to you. I don’t know why he felt inclined to do
so…maybe it was to spare your feelings. Maybe he sees you as some poor pathetic
creature that he didn’t want to hurt. You are that, honestly. You’re quite
pathetic. And naïve if you believed him when he said we were like brothers…as
if,” he scoffed. “Are you that gullible? I feel a bit sorry for you.”
“But he was adamant.”
“Did he tell you how we met, Taehyung?”
I didn’t like hearing my name leave his lips. It made me feel dirty, like I was
something lesser. “No. He didn’t feel the need to explain much about you, other
than the fact that he wasn’t interested in you.”
“The beginning of his sophomore year, I sucked his dick in a club bathroom
before taking him home. He passed out before we could do much else other than
make out, but damn if he doesn’t have the most magical hands…you would know,
right?”
“He…with you…” Hoseok nodded, unashamed and obviously pleased at my reaction.
“There’s no way. He said he didn’t want to do that with anyone other than me.
His lips nor his hands, they never touched anyone other than me. He said it and
I believed him, I still believe him now. He wouldn’t lie to me. He wouldn’t
touch you, he wouldn’t kiss you. It’s something just for me.”
“Sorry to break it to you, but he did so much more than kiss me. The point is
that it had to be memorable for him to keep me around this long.” He smiled
cruelly. “One taste, that’s all it took for me to fall in love with him and
I’ve been fighting for his heart ever since. Now I have it.”
My mouth hung open, useless. Yoongi said that he had been with other people,
but he didn’t mention Hoseok. He told me they were all faceless, yet this one
somehow became his best friend, his right hand. His brand new, very at home in
a home that wasn’t his, special fuzzy slippers just for him wearing, blowjob
bombshell dropping, rude as fuck, asshole of a best friend. And there was
nothing I could do but bear his words. The images of the two of them, I
couldn’t erase them from my head. Hoseok seemed quite amused by it all.
“But…” I couldn’t think of a single argument to offer. “He’s never lied to me.”
But maybe he had. Truthfully, all I had was Yoongi’s word on everything. He
said that nothing happened between he and Hoseok, yet the man sat here like he
was a permanent fixture. He said that Hoseok was just a friend, but he dropped
the man’s name so many times during his stories that it had to mean more. He
talked about how important Hoseok was to him and admitted that it was Hoseok
who had always been there for him. And then I remembered: What if I said I
kissed Hobi like that? What if I said we did more? If I said I love him, what
would you do? I thought he was only teasing then, but what if he was really
trying to tell me? It was quite possible that this was all true. “If you were
together before, it has nothing to do with me. I can’t fault him for seeking
comfort while we were apart. His past doesn’t matter.”
“How mature of you.” He said, smile ugly and malevolent.
“That morning, after he and I…” flames lapped at my face as I recalled our
steamy sunrise in the dome; I saw another chink in Hoseok’s seemingly
impenetrable armor. “He said I was it for him. He searched for me for ten
years. So, why would a text message affect him this much? After everything else
we’ve been through, it doesn’t make sense for this to be his breaking point.
None of this makes sense. Did he say anything else?”
I could tell by the set of his jaw that he was particularly bothered by the
thought of Yoongi and me together intimately, but I didn’t want to correct
whatever misconceptions his brain thought up. I wanted the bastard to suffer
and stew in as much doubt as I did. With a sickly-sweet smile that made me
shiver, he supplied, “He asked me to specifically say, ‘It’s time to find a new
home, Tae.’ Does that mean anything to you?”
And that’s what cinched it for me; I lost the will to fight. After he said
that, I had no reason to doubt whether Hoseok spoke true; Yoongi was done with
me. Sure I could have argued more. I could have choked him until he told me
where Yoongi was. But the evidence was hard to ignore, and it aligned perfectly
with my own doubts and beliefs. We were over.
It took several seconds to get a grip on my emotions before I could answer him.
“Yes…it does. I understand.” My heart broke and though I hated showing this man
my weakness, I couldn’t help the loud sob that escaped my throat. I told myself
not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, but I couldn’t turn off the
tears. He sat there, sipping his drink, pinky annoyingly pointed.
A glint of light drew my attention; I saw a shiny band on his ring finger.
“That…” I pointed, emotion twisting my voice into something unrecognizable.
“Did he…from Yoongi?” He only nodded and continued to sip, a small, knowing
grin on his gorgeous face. I didn’t know what to do with myself, but since I
already stood, making an exit seemed like the best decision before I could
embarrass myself any further. “I think I should leave.”
“Aw, so soon?” Sarcasm dripped from his words as he smiled that terrible smile.
“I really wanted more time to get to know you since it’s probably the last time
we’ll ever see each other.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He’s asking that you stay away. From him, from us, from his family. It’s going
to be hard for him to get over this unhealthy attachment to you. For the sake
of our relationship, and for his own sanity, he asks that you keep your
distance. When he is ready to talk to you, he will make contact. But I doubt he
ever will, since the mere memory of you seems to cause him so much pain. I hope
you understand.”
I wanted the floor to open and swallow me whole. Yoongi told me not to come; I
should have listened.
I nodded, agreeing to anything that would benefit the man I loved. I just
wanted to leave. “I understand.” I felt my chest constricting; my head throbbed
painfully and it became harder to breathe. Not only had I lost Yoongi forever,
but I had to give up Eomma Yun and Appa GiGi too. The last remnants of my
original family…it was all gone now.
I followed him as he traipsed towards the door, opening it wide. I slipped on
my shoes and walked past him in a daze, in shock. “Tell him, please, that I’m
sorry for being such a burden. I didn’t mean to cause him any more pain.”
He took my bag and slung it on my shoulder; I forgot it was there. “Sorry, I
don’t know you well enough to speak on your behalf. You have his number, right?
Text him and see how he responds. This is where you and I part ways for good,
Taehyung Kim. I can’t lie and say that I’m sad with how things worked out since
it is what I wanted for a long time, but I do hope you find your happiness with
someone else; someone who can handle all the chaos that comes with you.”
I shook my head. “It’s not meant for me…happiness. I see that now. Thank you
for your time, Hoseok Jung.” I bowed low to him, to show my respect to Yoongi’s
chosen partner. It didn’t matter what I felt about him; Yoongi loved him. I had
no choice but to honor his decision.
“Please, give my warmest regards to your whore.” He didn’t give me the
opportunity to react or think of a retort; slamming the door shut in my face,
still smiling as he did so.
                                     *****
I sat in the airport mourning quietly, tears running down my face. Yoongi and I
were through and he wanted nothing to do with me. It was over…twenty years of
loving him, it was fruitless. But at least I knew for certain where he stood,
at least I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering. And I had my memories
to keep me company. And there was hope that we could still be friends…someday.
It wasn’t the worst that could happen.
I pulled out my phone and called Jungkook to give him an update. In my panic to
get to Yoongi, I forgot to call and let him know I arrived safely. I had been
in California for only an hour and a half or so, I figured it was still safe to
call and tell him I was okay…even though I wasn’t. “Kookie…” I breathed as soon
as he answered.
“Hyung.” He sounded stuffed up, almost hoarse. “Hyung, you’ve landed safely?”
“I’m fine but are you okay? You sound…” I heard him sniffle and knew that he
was crying. I did that to him; I made him cry. After promising to take care of
him and protect him and never leave, I broke his heart and made him cry.
“Kookie, sweetie please don’t…aw, baby why are you crying? I thought you were
okay when we last saw each other.”
“And here I thought I was too obvious; I was holding everything in. You were so
happy about reuniting with Yoongi-hyung that I didn’t want to burden you too
much. I’m sorry, I really tried to be strong. I didn’t want you to pity me, but
as soon as they shut the door the tears started. I can’t help it. I can’t stop
crying, hyung.” He sobbed miserably. “We said we wouldn’t lie to each other,
right? I know you’re on your way to see Yoongi-hyung and that you’ve firmly
decided, I’m okay with that. I’m happy for you both, but it feels like I’m
dying inside. It hurts…it hurts so bad, hyung.”
My face got significantly wetter. “Jungkook, I’m so sorry. I never meant…”
He cut me off. “I know, you don’t have to say it. I don’t need reminding. You
would never do anything to harm me, Kim Taehyung. Still, I’m in pain. It’s my
own fault for loving you this much.”
I was a shit friend. Jungkook was devastated and I couldn’t think of anything
to say that would give him relief. I was still reeling from Yoongi’s rejection
and couldn’t think straight, too caught up in my own grief to offer any solace
to the person who needed it most. Jungkook was the biggest victim in all of
this. “What do you want me to do to make it better? I can come to you now
since…”
“No,” he answered hurriedly. “Please, I don’t think I can see you right now.
Just give me time…a few days at least, weeks at the most, to let all of this
out.”
“But, Jungkook…” What would I do for that long? I already lost Yoongi, now
Jungkook was slipping away too…my poor heart wouldn’t make it. But I had no
right to seek comfort from him when I was the reason why he was falling apart
right now. It was such a selfish thought, but I needed him. “Wouldn’t it be
better if I were there with you? I could hug you until you feel better.” I
smiled through my tears. “I can’t change my feelings, but I can be there to
help you get through this.”
“In all honesty, I don’t think I could stand to see your face, hyung.” I nearly
dropped my phone. “I thought you could stay there for a while and I could use
that time to get through it on my own. Being around you would be bad. It’s like
going through withdrawals all over again.”
“Is it that bad? I hurt you that bad?”
“It’s not your fault, hyung, but please stay away. It’s all I ask. As your best
friend, I’m asking that you give me this. If you love me, give me a chance to
grieve and then I’ll be ready to resume my role by your side, okay? I just
really need this. I’ll miss you terribly, but I have to learn how to be without
you.”
“Without me? But…” I let out a long, silent exhale; not wanting him to hear my
stress. He was right. My selfishness was showing yet again. “You’re right. Take
all the time you need, Jungkook. I promise to stay away.”
“Thank you, hyung,” he sniffled.
“You know, I really do love you…more than you’ll ever know. And I’m sorry for
everything, Kookie.” He hung up without a response and I felt dead inside.
There was nothing left. Yoongi didn’t love me anymore. I hurt Jungkook
needlessly and couldn’t take it back. To make matters worse, I didn’t want to
take it back because I knew in my heart that I chose correctly. Yoongi was my
one and only; it was unfortunate that I wasn’t his. I couldn’t call the only
mother and father I had left out of respect for Yoongi. And I wanted to spare
Joon and Jin from all of it; they didn’t need to get dragged further into my
drama. I was hopelessly alone, and it was all my own fault. This was the
fucking worst.
I wiped my eyes and calmed myself. What was the use in crying when it was me
who caused this entire mess? I couldn’t just swallow this loss and move on. I
hurt the two people I loved most in the world; one tried to kill himself and
the other felt like he was dying. Me breaking down wouldn’t ease their
suffering…I needed to pay for what I did. I needed to be properly punished for
all of it.
Grandfather was right after all. The entire time I was with him, he warned me
how much of a blight I would be to others. I knew now what he meant. If only I
had listened to him I could’ve avoided all of it. For Yoongi and Jungkook’s
sake, for everybody I loved, I knew what I had to do now.
I still had a few hours until my flight departed. I waited patiently. Soon, I
would have the chance to make amends.
                                     *****
As the car crept down the long driveway to the estate, Grandfather’s words came
back to haunt me again, cutting into my brain so deeply that I grit my teeth
due to the strain. They plagued me the entire plane ride, not allowing me a
minute’s rest. Even thousands of miles in the sky with a lovely sunrise to
distract me, my mind lingered on the words I grew up hearing. They accompanied
me for such a long time that I considered them friends. I embraced them
wholeheartedly after spending such a long time apart.
When I left Korea all those years ago, the moment our jet touched down on
American soil he started drilling into me that I was evil. He insisted that I
brought ruin to not only the family name, but to anyone who was close to me. He
said he had to keep me from Yoongi, Eomma Yun, and Appa GiGi so that they could
be safe. He said I was filthy, worthless…that I was the spawn of sin and that
my father’s actions made my life forfeit. He said that I was a curse and that
what happened between Eomma and Appa was all my fault; that she died because of
me. He said that anyone I let into my life would suffer the same fate.
What could I do other than believe him? I was a teenager and old enough to
question it, but he already started his regimen of abuse, his own sick form of
training me. It was easy to make me believe his words; I accepted everything he
said as truth without hesitation.
When he told me what I had to do to earn forgiveness for myself and my father,
I accepted it wholeheartedly. I promised that I wouldn’t complain, that I
wouldn’t tell, and that I was strong enough to bear it. The isolation, fear,
and pain…the torture…I accepted it all if it meant that I could be a good
person again.
When he explained to me the true meaning of selfishness and told me I had to
give up anything that gave me pleasure, I did not raise a single argument. I
only wanted his approval; to earn his forgiveness and favor. To be accepted as
a member of his family. And everything was okay for a long time, as long as I
obeyed and took my punishments.
I didn’t care that I woke up screaming most nights and couldn’t go back to
sleep. I didn’t care that an invisible film of grime enveloped me like a second
skin and I was the only one who could see it; I scrubbed myself until I was
raw, red, and sometimes bleeding, yet the grossness never left my body. I
didn’t care that I could no longer look in the mirror without bursting into
tears upon seeing the useless, unsightly, cowardly, foul sack of pitifulness I
became. Even though I hated everything I was, I did whatever he asked of me.
Sometimes I asked to be punished, just to prove how dedicated I was to gaining
redemption.
But then someone had called the police that time and it was all downhill from
there. The punishments grew more intense, more terrifying and because my memory
was unreliable, the remnants of those torture sessions left to fester on my
body provided the only proof that anything was happening at all. My mind,
spirit, and heart were repeatedly broken and I found myself a miserable shadow
of the person I once was.
But I continued to do everything he asked of me without question. I excelled in
academics, I was filial and obedient, and I paid penance. I spurned anything
that could be considered by him to be selfish, hoping that it would please him.
I even gave over pictures of my family, of Yoongi and his family because it was
selfish to hold on to thoughts of those people when I would do nothing but
bring them strife. Still, nothing earned me the forgiveness I so desperately
craved.
Truthfully, I thought that if I was good enough, Yoongi would find me and I
could finally leave that place. I foolishly believed that I could be saved. So,
I continued, hoping that one day all my debts would be paid and I would earn a
chance to be happy and get Yoongi back. It was a selfish thought, but it got me
through my darkest days.
It wasn’t until I met Jungkook that I started to think that maybe Grandfather
was wrong. When we met, my very first thought was that he reminded me of
Yoongi. I wanted to keep him close, desperate to have any association to the
boy I left behind. But then I started to see Jungkook differently, to recognize
him as his own person. He was so beautiful and strong, so hardworking and
dependable. He became my light, my happiness. He was so patient, kind, and
loving that it took no time for me to return his affections. He made me feel
like the old Taehyung and I loved him dearly for it.
I wore a mask of righteousness, confidence, and cheerfulness to camouflage the
wretched thing I was; I thought it would be impossible to pull off because I
saw through it. It was surprising when Jungkook didn't notice…if he did notice,
he ignored it. He fed me with love and desire and warmth; I didn't know I
needed them until he gave them to me. Jungkook became my air and I knew that if
he ever left me, if I ever lost him, I would die.
Grandfather did not approve of my relationship with Jungkook. The punishments
increased to the point that I lost large chunks of time from my memory and my
grades began to suffer. He tried to reason with me the best way he knew how,
but I was stubborn. I held on to Jungkook, not wanting to let the little light
I had get snuffed out. I endured more during that period than I ever had, only
knowing because of how much convalescence it took to nurse me back to health
after each session, both of my cousins killing themselves with worry as they
frantically tried to figure out a way to save me. Still, I clung to Jungkook. I
found myself questioning everything because if I was so bad, how did someone so
good love me?
I really thought I found someone who my curse couldn’t affect and it was the
catalyst to every stupid decision I made up until now. I disobeyed my
Grandfather to hold onto Jungkook and I let him get close to my heart. I
stopped receiving my punishments and cut off all contact with my savior/
tormentor. I believed Namjoon and Seokjin and latched on to their insistence
that it was okay to be happy, natural to want love, and essential to love
myself. I let Yoongi and his family back into my life. I selfishly pursued what
I wanted and reveled in my defiance. In the end, my actions hurt them all.
I should have listened. I should have obeyed. I should have known better.
Now I had to pay for it with pain, just like I had before. That trip and all
the circumstances that sprung from it; everything was my fault. Jungkook’s
insecurities and pain, Yooongi’s attempts at suicide, the Mins and my cousins’
constant state of worry and stress…this entire fucked up situation, all of it
lay at my feet.
The two people I loved more than life itself agonized because of me; fixing it
was my responsibility. The only thing I could do to make sure they were both
happy was leave them behind. But I needed to pay for my sins. Since there was
no reason to live without them and death was too kind, I returned to the only
home I had left.
I didn’t even realize the car had stopped. I politely thanked the driver and
intentionally left my phone on the seat, battery removed. I didn’t need it any
longer, not where I was headed. I grabbed my bag and my Yogi, whom I had taken
out to keep me company during the long plane ride, and exited the car. I
watched it pull away and leave me behind, staring after it until it was a small
dot in the distance.
I turned to the staircase and the dread I felt was strong enough to send me
scuttling into the densely populated wooded area surrounding the huge house.
Anything I would face there would be better, easier than meeting the monster I
knew lived behind those doors at the top. But I didn’t need easy; that was too
good for someone like me. For what I did to them, for all the grief I caused,
apologies weren’t enough. I was scum…filth…I was born to suffer. I would pay
with pain.
I began my ascent.
I didn’t bother to knock; I walked right in. Grandfather was too arrogant to
lock doors, he had nothing to fear being the richest man in this area. No one
would dare enter his home with cause or an invitation, too fearful of what they
would meet inside. But I knew exactly what I would meet.
I saw several servants milling about; none of them greeted me, nor did they
seem surprised that I was there. They were very well-trained, ignoring my
presence as they were instructed to from the moment I set foot inside the place
as a child. I didn’t blame them…I wouldn’t want to risk getting close to me
either.
As I climbed the stairs, I trailed my hands along the highly polished wooden
banister, not worrying about the consequences for the staff who worked so hard
to keep it shining; I would take responsibility for that too. I would accept my
punishment, all punishments, because it’s what I needed. It was why I existed.
To suffer, to cry, to hurt…pain. I lived for pain, I don’t know how I forgot
it.
I entered his study, closing the door gently behind me. He sat at the head of
his huge table, poring over documents and refusing to acknowledge my entrance.
Even though I saw the colostomy bag on his left and the cane leaning against
his chair, he was no less domineering or scary. I got the same sense of
impending doom, the same sense of fear as I had when I was a mere teenager.
I made my way to him, trying to shut out all emotion as I approached. Although
he didn’t want to acknowledge me, I saw a hint of a smile as one corner of his
mouth turned upward. I felt little butterflies fluttering in my stomach
comprised of both nerves and elation. Yes, I thought to myself. I made him
happy, even if it was just for a second. I made someone happy. It strengthened
my resolve.
I lightly dropped my bag and Yogi-hyung at my feet; sinking into a deep bow
without any prompting. Just like the staff, I was well-trained. “We can now add
stupidity to my list of offenses, Grandfather. I was wrong.” I stood upright.
“I’ve returned to keep my promise. I’m prepared to pay, no matter the cost.”
“You said the same several years ago, Taehyung, but you failed to keep your
word.” Hearing his voice again after such a long time sent the most horrific
tremors through my body and I found myself gazing at the floor rather than meet
his eyes. “Why would I trust anything you have to say now when you allowed your
guard dog to come in here and disrespect me so callously? After everything I
did for you, you turned your back on me and never looked back. I was severely
injured and suffering, yet I didn’t see your face once. Now you’re here and
admitting how wrong you were…what am I to do about that?”
“Grandfather, I was hoping that you would forgive me. Everything you ever told
me, I see now that it was true. I’m ready to accept my place in this world. I’m
ready to accept your wisdom, the guidance you generously gave but went
unappreciated. I’m humbling myself…” I let myself sink down to my knees and
bowed until my head touched the floor…it was strangely familiar. “…in your
presence. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I am willing to try and earn
it. I offer myself to you…”
He laughed. “The boy. The whore…” I bit my lip so hard I drew blood. “What of
him? What assurance do I have that he won’t come bursting in here with his
temper and violence?”
“That’s not who he is; whatever he did was my fault. I influenced him and I
accept full responsibility for his actions. You were right. Just like I cursed
the others, I cursed him, too. I infected him. But he won’t be looking for me,
not for a while at least. Not after the things I’ve done to him. And I’m
willing to cut all ties with him now. Holding onto him…it was selfish. You told
me as much and I refused to believe it then. I was wrong, as I often am. I
don’t have your wisdom…your foresight.”
“Ah…and there is no one else?”
“No, Grandfather.” I saw a drop of blood hit the floor. “Any relationships I
had, they are now over. But to prove my honesty, I will tell you that Namjoon
and Seokjin are sympathetic towards me. They care for me as if I were family.”
“And you’re telling me so easily, without fear. Why?”
“Because I know you will put a stop to it. I don’t want them to fall victim to
me.”
“You care about them that much?” he asked curiously. I could tell he was
excited at the prospect of having yet another thing to hold over my head. But
it was needless; he didn’t need threats to keep me under his thumb. Not
anymore. There was no place I’d rather be than right here with him.
“No, Grandfather. I don’t care about anyone other than myself. That is why I’ve
returned. I’ve been greedy, selfishly stealing affection and care from others.
I have caused nothing but suffering because I cannot see beyond the things I
want. I just realized how wrong I’ve been this whole time. I am sincerely sorry
that I ever doubted you. I fault my youth, my ignorance.”
“What is it that you want from me? What is required of your poor, dear,
defenseless Grandfather who has loved you so well over the years? Is it
affection and care you seek from me? Or is there something else? I gave you
money and freedom. I allowed you to break your promise and seek ‘love’ or
whatever it is you thought you felt for that trash…is that not enough?”
“As you’ve said in the past, I’m not designed for any of those things. I am
meant to suffer. I am meant to pay for the sin of my existence with pain. All I
want from you, need from you, is what you gave me freely but went
unappreciated…I want you to give me the punishment I deserve.” I bravely lifted
my face from the floor to see his reaction; he smiled menacingly, brilliant
white (new) teeth gleaming maliciously in the poorly-lit room. “Punish me,
please. And let me stay with you always. With you is where I belong.”
He stood then, grabbing up his cane and pulling along the contraption holding
his bodily waste. I forced myself not to tremble, not to fear his approach.
This was nothing. This was normal. This was life. And it was preferable to
living without Yoongi and Jungkook.
I felt my consciousness drifting away as my body prepared itself for the pain
it knew was coming; he cruelly dug the point of his cane into my hand, pressing
down with all his weight. I heard a faint crack as a flare of fire spread
through my palm accompanied by severe throbbing; I didn’t cry out. I was well-
trained. He let the cane drop and picked up Yoongi-hyung. I didn’t even flinch
as he cruelly ripped the head from the body and tossed it over his shoulder; he
did the same to each limb. He tugged out the stuffing from the body, scattering
it about the room; some of it landed in my hair. The fingernails of my
uninjured hand dug into the hardwood floor, I felt a few of them bend back
painfully…I didn’t cry out. I was well-trained. This…it’s what I needed.
“Aptly spoken, but I require further assurance. Tell me what I need to hear.”
“I’m filth, I’m scum…I’m useless. I’m unlovable. I’m pitiful; a wretch. I bring
nothing but chaos wherever I go. I’m not worthy of any human kindness, any
consideration.” I said it genuinely. “I’m invisible. I’m nothing. And I belong
to you, only to you, Grandfather. Please, do with me as you wish.” I wanted it
so badly, needed it. I had to pay for what I did.
He finally helped me to my feet and palmed my cheek with a meaty hand before
kissing me full on the mouth. “Welcome home, my beloved grandson. We have a lot
of catching up to do. But first you will prove your sincerity. Shall we go down
to the basement together? We can resume where we last left off later, when it’s
just the two of us. But I cannot deny myself this opportunity to teach you a
lesson about obedience.” Instead of picking up the cane, he used my arm to
support himself. “I’m so proud of you, Taehyung, for returning…for coming
home.”
“There is no other place I would rather be than here with you, Grandfather.” I
smiled at him, though there was no emotion in it. It was a reflex. My mind was
empty but I’m sure if I could still feel, relief would be what I felt. I was
finally home where I belonged, my one true home.
I lost them both. The worst happened and I was too weak to survive it, too much
of a coward to even face it. This…it was pain I knew well, pain I could handle.
It was the least I could do to pay everyone back for all the trouble I caused.
Even though I couldn’t think, even though I could no longer feel, somewhere
deep in my heart was hope that Jin and Joon would care for Jungkook and that
Yoongi would find happiness with Hoseok and his family. I wouldn’t be there to
mess it up for them. I smiled and welcomed everything coming my way as we
walked to the elevator that would shuttle me to my fate. I welcomed my
punishment and I would thank Grandfather afterwards. I was well-trained.
Chapter End Notes
     Hoseok is a dick. Say goodbye to Tae for a while; you won't be seeing
     him. This...shit...is...too...SAD! Sorry. :(
     I have a lot I could say, but I'll leave it up to you guys. I'm more
     interested in your interpretations this time. See you in the
     comments.
     Next update:
     45 - (working title) Caught a.k.a. Three Mins & a Kookie
     Hoseok's ruse crumbles quickly.
***** Caught *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi is very observant. With a little help from Taehyung and
     Jungkook, the Mins discover Hoseok's deceit.
Chapter Notes
     Hello, my loves. Hopefully everyone is still here after that downer
     of a chapter last week, lol. Ugh, it was so depressing; it took days
     for me to recover and start writing again. I spent all of my time
     streaming and voting (as usual hehehe).
     I just noticed that I'm about to surpass 200K words...wow. Also, I'm
     coming up on my six month of writing this story. EPIC!!! I want to
     gift you guys with something. Maybe a side story? How Yoongi and
     Hoseok met? Or, in this chapter Yoongi mentions chasing away Tae's
     potential suitors...how about that? Or what about some Taekook? I
     don't know, if you guys have suggestions I'd be happy to hear them. I
     just really want to show my appreciation in some way. Thanks for
     sticking with me for this long...I feel blessed.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Life was unfair. I awoke from a long, cruel, dreamless sleep with no fanfare.
There was no ghost of fingertips on my skin, no lingering presence of soft lips
against mine, and no illusion of being wrapped in the warmth of long, strong
arms. It was ordinary and lackluster.
I burrowed deeper into the cocoon of comfort my heavy duvet and high thread
count sheets provided, disappointed and somewhat sad. How is it that he didn’t
visit me even once? He dreamt of me so easily the night we spent together, why
couldn’t I do the same?
As always, he was the last thought I had before closing my eyes, and the first
when I opened them. Kim Taehyung…are you awake and safe? Did you forget me? Are
you waiting for me to come back to you?
The urge to check on him pressed upon me; I needed to know if he was okay. I
wanted to see his face again. Pictures were good and all, but maybe the saintly
Jungkook would be willing to video chat so I could see the real thing…if it
wasn’t too late to bother him. For Tae, only for him did I drag myself out of
bed and step into my slippers. I succumbed to an involuntary stretch that felt
like heaven and yawned loudly, before scratching my head and looking around for
no particular reason.
The darkness in the room had me thrown; I couldn’t gauge what time of day it
was with the blackout curtains and I didn’t like clocks, so the only way to
determine the time was to check my phone…which I inconveniently left out in the
living room. I could have thrown open the curtains too, but it wasn’t worth the
risk of drowning in sunlight. I wrapped myself in the duvet and left the tomb
that was my bedroom. My phone sat there on the table where I left it, indicator
light acting as a beacon. I increased my speed, anxious to hear word on
Taehyung’s condition. I had several unread text messages, all from Jungkook. I
quickly tapped the notification bar.
Musclebunnyman: Yoongi, he’s awake but he forgot
Musclebunnyman: Told him what happened, he doesn’t care
Musclebunnyman: Told him to call, he refused
Musclebunnyman: He confessed to me
Musclebunnyman: I couldn’t say no
Musclebunnyman: Please be happy for us
Musclebunnyman: Leaving early, Taehyung wants to go home
Musclebunnyman: Sorry Yoongi
The last one came at a little after five p.m. I glanced quickly at the time…it
was a little after two in the morning. I’d been asleep for 22 fucking hours.
“Shit…stupid pills.” But it wasn’t the pills’ fault, it was mine for doubling
the dosage. I should’ve remembered how deeply it put me under, but I was so
obsessed with getting back to Tae that I didn’t think things through. Because I
was stupid I missed the chance to plead my case; to remind him how much we
wanted to be together. He wasn’t mine anymore; now he was Jungkook’s.
I don’t know why it hit me so hard when I was expecting it all along. If I had
to choose between myself and Jungkook, I would pick him too. But I was so weak,
such an idiot that I dared to hope that our love was strong enough to influence
him into making the stupid choice, the reckless choice…me. It didn’t help that
our first date was so memorable and that Jungkook was convinced that it would
be me. It only bolstered my hopes and I couldn’t help wishing that I would be
his choice.
I was disappointed, dejected beyond belief. But I gave Taehyung my word that I
would stand by whatever decision he made. We would still be friends, I would
still get to keep him in my life. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I was determined
to make it work. Having just a part of him was preferable to having none of
him. I refused to fall apart. And who knew if this decision would stand; if he
changed his mind or if things didn’t work out with Jungkook then I would be
right there to step in.
I should have been there when he woke up. I should never have left.
I reread the messages several times, despite how clear-cut and concise they
were, praying that maybe it was one of Jungkook’s jokes. I studied each
message, each line, word by word, still the meaning remained the same. Taehyung
chose Jungkook over me; that's what they said.
A funny thing happened though…the more I read them, the more the texts didn’t
seem real. Something was off. Majorly off. First, Jungkook didn’t tease me. Not
a single insult. It was our thing; I cringed a little realizing that he and I
had a thing. Then I noticed that he didn’t call me hyung. After our fight in my
suite, Jungkook addressed me as hyung or Yoongi-hyung…unless he was insulting
me with ‘jerk’ or something similar. There was no sarcasm nor any emojis. He
didn’t ask how I was or if I rested well. And the biggest and most obvious
thing…he didn’t use a single swear word, not one. It was fishy as hell.
Or it could just be me, refusing to believe that this was happening and
grasping onto any explanation to support my delusion. It could be just wishful
thinking on my part.
Wasn’t it possible that he was too swept up in the excitement of Tae finally
rejoining the world of the living? Maybe he was emotional…nah, that couldn’t be
it. The texts were too dry, too cold. If he were emotional there would be even
more expletives and emojis. He didn’t brag about being chosen; didn’t challenge
me to steal him back. There was no feeling in these words; his words would leap
off the screen. I knew very well how easily Jungkook let his emotions get the
better of him…these texts were far too calm for him.
Was it possible that Tae sent them? Nah, no way. Even if he were masquerading
as Jungkook to avoid the conflict of telling me outright, I would still know it
was him. The words were too direct, too forthcoming. He would try to use
something poetic, something expressive to get his point across without openly
saying it. He would drop a hint or say something only I would understand. And
what was this about him going home? I was his home; didn’t I make that clear?
It didn’t make sense that he would use that word so cavalierly, not when it was
so significant to us.
And even if he chose Jungkook, which was highly likely, he would never leave
without seeing me first. He wouldn’t just go without saying goodbye after
everything we went through apart; he promised he wouldn’t leave me again like
that. He gave me his word. But he forgot everything…
He lost our new memories. Could that explain the feeling of detachment in all
these texts? If he didn’t feel anything for me anymore, it made total
sense…except, why didn’t he send it from his own phone? And even if he lost
several days’ worth of memories, it didn’t change who Tae was at his core. I
would still know it was him if he wrote it.
Why did I have this unsettling feeling in my gut that something was wrong? Why
was my stomach doing flip flops and why was I panicking? Why did I feel like I
was losing him forever again?
Fuck trying to make sense of it all. I didn’t give a shit what time it was, I
dialed Tae immediately. “What the fuck? Straight to voicemail?” I tried six
additional times, getting the same robotic, automatic message each time. It was
so unTae-like to not personalize the message. It was something small, so
insignificant of a detail that someone who didn’t know better would have missed
it. But nobody knew him better than me. I started to hyperventilate. I searched
up Jungkook and quickly pressed the call button…the same impersonal fucking
message. I tried twice more before noticing something very strange. I quickly
went back to Tae’s contact and memorized the number. When I went back to
Jungkook’s, I found I wasn’t crazy at all; it was the same fucking number.
What in the actual hell? I distinctly remembered storing both numbers in the
phone; they were definitely different. My suspicions multiplied. Something
strange was going on. I thought maybe I should call Eomma to check the numbers
she had, but then I remembered what time it was. She was probably sleeping;
Appa too after traveling such a great distance to meet us. I was impatient, but
I was polite enough to at least wait until the sun rose. After that I would
have my answers.
But my curiosity wouldn’t let it go. I decided to send a text. I thought long
and hard about what to send. Something that Jungkook would get, but no one
else. I finally settled on one word:
                                                                       Me: Brat
Perfectly vague; it was somewhat of an affectionate term for him, he knew it.
If he didn’t answer with ‘jerk’ or ‘demon’ or maybe a swipe at my size, then it
was not Jungkook. It took maybe twenty minutes before I got a response.
Musclebunnyman: No need to be upset
Musclebunnyman: He made his choice
Musclebunnyman: Namecalling won’t win him back
It wasn’t him. It wasn’t Jeon Jungkook at all. I could feel my anxiety
building. Somebody was fucking with me and whomever it was would pay dearly.
I stormed to the kitchen to pour a drink and calm myself. I needed to figure
out a way to expose this stranger without letting him know that I knew he was
an imposter. I grabbed the first bottle I saw and checked the line—after
telling my psychiatrist that I sometimes self-medicated with alcohol, he
suggested that I track my intake. He told me that every person had their own
individual coping mechanism, that mine was drinking. He advised that as long as
it didn’t become a necessity, a daily habit, and that I controlled the amount I
consumed, that I could drink. He said that drinking was a stress reliever, if
done so responsibly. I was a stickler about the line, not wanting to slip from
casual drinker to alcoholic. So, when I saw the alcohol level below the line, I
knew for sure someone else drank it. And I saw a single glass sitting in the
tray; I would never leave a dish in my tray. Someone was here while I slept,
but who?
My thoughts flew to my parents first. Maybe they stopped by to check on me,
found me locked up, and hung around for a while. Appa liked to drink too, so it
was possible that he poured a glass as they waited for me to wake up. It was
possible.
Could they have changed the information in my phone as well? They were both
meddlesome, always inserting themselves into my shit to try and make things
better. They forced me into a coma for God’s sake, changing someone’s contact
info would be nothing for them. But what would be the motivation for them to
pull something like this?
Appa…he wanted me to move on from Tae at one point; maybe after hearing Tae’s
story, he went back to his old way of thinking. His concern was always my
safety, my health. Was he worried that I would regress? Yes. Was he misguided
enough to do such a thing, to try and keep me away from Tae? Possibly. His
support of Jung Hoseok was enough to support that theory. But my happiness was
something he wanted more than anything, and Tae was my happiness. There’s no
way he would interfere.
Eomma, I couldn’t see her as the culprit. She wasn’t much of a drinker in the
first place, but if she did drink it was usually some fancy wine or champagne.
Secondly, she loved Taehyung almost as much as I did, maybe more. There was no
way she would try to keep us apart, in fact, she was the one encouraging me to
not give up the entire time I searched for him. It couldn’t be her.
And Appa loved Tae just as much she did.
Fuck sunrise, things were just too weird and I needed answers now. I dialed
Eomma. She picked up on the second ring.
“Yoongi…Tae? Can you both hear me?” She squealed loudly; I switched to
speakerphone and set the phone on the table. “I’m fit to burst from happiness.
I’m already looking up venues, I think a summer wedding would be best. Or maybe
winter…ooh, that might be even better. How do you two feel about silver, ivory,
and sky blue? A winter wonderland with snow and ice sculptures, aigoo, Tae
would be so handsome…though I would want to dye his hair for the ceremony. The
red would clash, right? What do you think? Blonde or silver?”
What was she on about? She droned on and on, ignoring my “Eomma?” finally
trailing off as she tried to visualize Tae wearing a crown. Clearly, she wasn’t
completely awake. “I’m sorry for disturbing you so late…that must’ve been a
hell of a dream you were having.”
“A dream? I’ve never been more awake in my life! How could I sleep at a time
like this? I’ve been waiting all night on you two to call. When I heard he was
flying here, I couldn’t contain my excitement. But GiGi won’t let me come over,
he insists you two need time alone.” I could see her pout in my mind. “He
wouldn’t even let me meet Tae at the airport, true it would have been tempting
to bring him back to our suite…but it’s natural for mothers to do stuff like
that. It’s unfair, right? You already had a date with him and even got to spend
the night with him. Couldn’t I just pop by? Just for a sec to properly greet
him, if you could just take my side against your father and…”
“Wait...” My head felt like it was splitting open. “Eomma…wait. You’re going
too fast and I’m confused. Did you say that Tae was on his way here?” I felt a
knot tightening in my stomach.
“Well, he’s not on his way anymore, right?” she laughed gleefully. “His plane
landed sometime after 7.” She was quiet for a minute as I struggled to make
sense of what she said. “Oh, I get it. Are you fucking with me, trying to get a
rise out of me? Frankly I don’t find it funny, not one bit Min Yoongi. You
shouldn’t play with me like this, not after everything it took to find my baby
again. Why are you so cruel? Put him on the phone so I can whine to him. Better
yet, you should let me swing by. I could bring strawberry ice cream, you know
he’s weak for the stuff…”
“Mom!” I yelled to get her attention. I was unravelling. “Eomma, what’s going
on. I don’t know what’s happening. I just woke up and none of this makes sense.
I’m…” Panic seized my chest, I had to grip the countertop. I heard the phone
clatter to the floor; it sounded distant.
“Wha…” I allowed myself to slide down to the floor, feeling around blindly for
the phone as I fought for breath. I found it, gripping it tightly in my hand as
I held it up to my ear.
Eomma was in the middle of coaching me through my panic attack. “Wait…honey,
calm down. Take slow, deep breaths. It will pass, sweetheart. Just focus on
breathing.”
I focused on the soothing tone of her voice, and listened as she demonstrated
the breathing technique. It took several minutes until I could breathe on my
own, though my hands shook tremendously. “Eomma, I can’t think straight.
Something’s off here. It’s weird and I’m scared.”
I could hear her yelling muffled things at my father and I heard them rushing
about. No doubt, they would be here within the next ten minutes. “Yoongi, he’s
really not with you?”
“No. Eomma, I took sleeping pills. I intentionally over-medicated to be sure I
rested well…”
“Min Yoongi! You know how dangerous it is to take more than the recommended
dosage.”
“I know it was stupid, but I really wanted to rest so that I could get back to
Vegas as soon as possible. And I just woke up a few minutes ago. He’s not
here.” I heart sank into my stomach. “Unless…is he waiting outside?” I hauled
ass running to the door, hoping and praying that he was on the other side. I
opened it wide and stepped out into the hallway grinning. I don’t know what I
expected, whether it was to see his sleepy, goofy smile as he sat patient and
cross-legged in the hallway or maybe leaning sexily against the wall waiting to
launch himself at me or sleeping holding some stuffed animal in his arms since
he couldn’t rest well without cuddling. I found no one. “He’s not here. Eomma,
he’s not here at all. Are you sure that he said he would come here? Why?”
“Why else, you idiot?” I heard a car door slam and my father whispering
instructions in the background. “According to Jungkook, when his memories came
back Tae ended things between them. He’s in love with you and he was on his way
to tell you." My jaw hit the fucking floor. I guess some benevolent, merciful
deity heard my pitiful prayers. He picked me! "Poor Kookie, he was crying. I
felt like shit because I was so happy while the poor kid was heartbroken. He
couldn’t fake that sadness; we’ve seen his acting, remember?”
“I’m well-aware of his acting, but Eomma…”
“When I talked to Jungkook, he was on his way home to Massachusetts; he and Tae
left each other at the airport. Tae came here. He landed a little after 7 and
he was supposed to go directly there to your place. Where else would he go? To
a hotel maybe? He doesn’t know anyone else in California.”
“I’m worried, Eomma. Something weird is happening. I got these weird text
messages from Jungkook that sounded nothing like the kid. They said Tae lost
his memory, chose Jungkook, and left Vegas to go home. I tried to call Jungkook
and Taehyung, but it keeps going to voicemail. And when I double checked the
numbers, it was the same for both contacts.”
“Jungkook told me he texted you, but why would he tell us two different things?
Yoongi, somebody is obviously manipulating you.”
“I guess I have my answer then…the reason I called, you and Appa didn’t come
over to check on me, right?”
“You told us you needed to de-stress. You know I would never show up until you
said it was okay. We’ve always used that system so that you don’t feel
pressured. GiGi and I were waiting for your call.”
“A bottle of alcohol, someone was drinking it. It was below my line. And a
glass was in the tray.”
“The changed numbers, the text messages, the alcohol, and Tae’s missing…I have
a hunch. Meet me in the lobby.” She hung up.
I ran to the bathroom to clean myself up first and take a piss, before grabbing
random clothes, throwing them on as quickly as I could and hurrying down in the
elevator. I don’t know how they beat me there, but Eomma and Appa were already
giving orders, talking and making frenzied gestures at the same time while the
poor guy who worked the desk looked utterly done. I saw he was rewinding camera
footage…leave it to Eomma to think of such a great idea.
“Hey! One at a time, damn it!” I worked hard to calm the two of them down; the
guard sent a relieved thank you with his eyes. “Eomma, you said you had a
hunch.”
“Too much is happening all at once for it to be a coincidence. There’s no way
you could screw up those numbers, not when you talked to Jungkook several times
after leaving Vegas using the contact info you had. Not when I’ve been in
contact with Kookie the entire time without the slightest problem.” She thrust
her phone into my hands and I scrolled through the messages maniacally.
“Someone changed it. Someone who had access to your home and knows enough about
the situation to cause confusion. Someone who doesn’t want you and Tae to
reconnect. A desperate, jealous bastard who just got shut down in a major way
when he came onto you…”
“Oh, come on Yun. You don’t mean—“ my father started, but was cut off quickly.
“That’s exactly who I mean. Jung Hoseok. No one else is close enough to Yoongi
to pull it off. No one else has a motive to do something like this. His
fingerprints are over it, I just know it.” She looked at the nametag of the
guy, before making a face at me and grinning mischievously. I rolled my eyes
because there were much more pressing matters than her amusement at American
names. “Aero, is it? Be a dear and go to last night, between 7 and 8:30 p.m.”
We all watched, eyes glued to the screen as people entered and exited the lobby
at warped speed. We didn’t have to watch for long. At 7:32, “There!” Eomma
screamed pointing.
He pressed pause and there he was, red flames dancing on his head and looking
oh so nervous while biting his lip and fidgeting shyly. He spoke to the guard
for a minute or two, earning an easy smile, before heading to the elevator.
“Tae. You really came. You followed me.” Knowing that he flew all the way here
just for me gave me a rush unlike any I’d felt before. I loved him so fucking
much and I needed him to hear it directly from my mouth right this fucking
instant…but he wasn’t here. I felt Appa wrap an arm around me and pull me
close. “Where is he? Why didn’t he wait?”
“Let’s see if we can pinpoint when he left. I have a feeling he didn’t leave by
choice,” my mother whispered vehemently. “Aero, please go forward slowly.” We
resumed our people watching and twenty minutes later, there stood Tae in the
lobby. He went to the desk and spoke to the guard again…the guy handed him a
sheet of paper and a pen. He bent over the desk writing for a long time, front
and back actually, before folding the paper, kissing it, and handing it to the
guard on duty. The man handed him some tissues in exchange and patted his
shoulder consolingly before saying something that made Tae smile; Tae bowed low
to him before exiting.
“His face…” Appa said sadly. “Why is he crying? What happened while he was up
there?”
“I don’t know, but I’m not resting until we figure this out.” I heard the
fierceness in Eomma’s tone. This was the angriest I ever saw her.
“Keep going, Aero, just a bit longer.” We all watched with wide eyes
until…there was Hoseok, strolling out with a big smile on his face. I was
shocked into silence. Eomma however, “I knew it, I just knew it!” she shrieked.
She pointed accusingly at the screen, yelling in my father’s face. “What did he
do to my son, Min Seung Gi? What the hell did he do?”
“We don’t have all the facts yet, Yun. Calm down.”
“What more do we need to know? Tae came here, he met Hoseok, and he left
crying. That’s all I need to know. Don’t tell me you are going to defend him!”
“Of course, I’m not. I’m just as angry as you are, Yun. I’m just as worried and
I love Tae just as much. I don’t give a damn about Hoseok, I’m more worried
that you’re going to haul off and strangle the kid.”
“You’re only giving me ideas, honey.”
“I’m just making sure you stay out of trouble. Finding Taehyung is our top
priority. Think of Yoongi, yeah?” She nodded, though she looked murderously at
the frozen screen. “Son?”
I felt a hand on my shoulder. The entire time they argued I felt disconnected
from everything. My mind worked overtime to put together all the pieces. From
the altered contact info to Tae leaving in tears, it was all Jung Hoseok…my
supposed best friend. Everything fit neatly and I knew exactly why he did it.
But what I couldn’t figure out was Tae. What was he thinking as he left? What
did Hoseok say and why would Tae ever believe it? I felt a comforting squeeze;
the touch brought me back. “Appa…he left something. He wrote something for me.”
I addressed the guard, “Please look around. A letter for Min Yoongi, is it
there on the desk somewhere?”
The man searched, opening drawers and looking through folders. “There’s just
this. ‘My Yogi’ it says…”
“That’s it! Thank you.” I yanked it from his hands. “I’m sorry for all the
trouble, thank you so much for your help.” We all walked away from the desk, my
parents huddled on each side as I unfolded the letter. I noticed several tiny
discolorations dotting the paper…teardrops. “He cried a lot.” We looked at each
other, faces displaying varying emotions—Eomma was angry, Appa was pensive, and
I was heartbroken.
     Hyung,
     I know you don’t want to talk to me, but please don’t throw this away
     until you read it. I promise you don’t have to worry about me popping
     up again after this time, but I really wanted to see you even though
     you said not to come. I apologize for being selfish, but you wouldn’t
     accept our calls and your texts sounded all wrong so I needed to be
     sure it was you. I didn’t know that seeing me was the last thing you
     wanted; I didn’t mean to chase you away. I’ll do as you ask and give
     you all the space you need to move on. I won’t interfere in your life
     anymore, just please take care of yourself.
     It’s all my fault that you attempted again, I’m sorry. I know it’s
     not an excuse, but I wasn’t myself when I confessed to Jungkook. I
     can’t take back what I did, but I do regret that it hurt you. And
     even though your body belongs to someone else now, I still won’t
     forgive you if you hurt yourself again. I don’t know how much of a
     threat that is anymore, now that we’re not together...now that we’re
     not even friends. No more attempts after this last one, okay? You
     gave me your word before, I’m holding you to it. I’ll disappear
     forever if that’s what it takes to help keep you here.
     I didn’t know you felt pressured to be with me and I didn’t know that
     I was such a burden. I guess we’re not as close as I thought…I
     thought you knew you could tell me anything. I can’t lie and say the
     thought never crossed my mind, but you were so convincing when you
     said my past didn’t matter. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to guilt you.
     I never meant to force you into a relationship. It’s fine if you
     don’t feel the same way, I just wish you would have told me. I’m
     lowkey pissed right because I gave up the chance to be with a really
     great guy to be with you…hehe, just kidding. I don’t regret it my
     decision. Not one bit. Having you know that you were my first choice,
     the only choice is good enough for me. You’ll always be ‘it’ for me,
     just you.
     About Hoseok…you didn’t have to hide your feelings for him from me.
     I’m glad you found a better home in him, a new half. As long as
     you’re smiling, as long as you truly love each other, I don’t mind.
     All I’ve ever wanted was to see you happy anyway. If he’s the one who
     does it for you, why would I complain? I’m rooting for you two. Just
     live and be happy with Hoseok. Fighting!
     If you’re feeling generous, please tell Eomma and Appa—will they be
     angry I called them that? I’m sorry, it’s a habit, hehe. After that
     last time, I won’t do it anymore. Tell your parents that I’m sorry
     and that I’ll miss them too. I never intended to cause so much
     trouble within their family. Tell them that they can rest now and
     that they don’t owe me anything. Families shrink and grow, evolve
     even. They’re not losing anything with me leaving other than stress,
     plus they’re gaining another son in the process. If they give him
     half the love they gave me it’ll still be too much. I wish I had the
     chance to hug them just once and tell them how much I love them.
     Could you do that for me? Just one last time.
     So…I guess this is goodbye. I’m praying that Hoseok is wrong and that
     you’ll get over me quickly because even if it’s just as friends
     sharing a coffee, I want to see you again. Even if it hurts to see
     you in love with someone else, even if I’ll have to tie my hands to
     keep from touching you…to keep from kissing you...if I can see you
     smile again and be happy, I’ll endure it. I’ll bear it all just to
     see you again. So, get over me soon. I’m waiting…I’m always waiting.
     I'm hesitant to end it ‘with love’ if it makes you uncomfortable, but
     there’s no better word to express what I feel for you. So I’ll say it
     differently…
     Starting from the instant I first drew breath
     And lasting until the stars turn cold
     You’re the only one who has and will have
     All my love and my entire heart…
     Be happy and please take care
     -Taehyung
We all looked at each other, the weight of Tae's words lingering in the air
around us...even though they hadn't been spoken. I felt absolutely murderous.
“Until the stars turn cold…I said it to him first, you know? It’s from that old
movie…” I wanted to tear the whole fucking lobby apart. And I wanted to murder
fucking Jung Hoseok. I trudged towards the doors clutching the letter in my
hand, intending to shove it right down Hoseok’s throat all to way into his
stomach. And then I was going to beat the crazy right out of the evil bastard.
I intended to make him bleed, to make him beg me to let him continue breathing.
He would suffer. He would pay for daring to make my Taehyung cry. He would die
for making Taehyung think I did anything less than worship him. And I was going
to smile the entire time.
Before I could exit, I felt Appa grab me and pull me into his arms. “I know
you’re upset. We’ll deal with Hoseok, I swear it, son. Right now, Taehyung
should be our focus. We need to find him and straighten this whole mess out.
He’s more important than revenge.”
He made a lot of sense, but I was no less angry. Tae was all that mattered. The
obsessed thirstbucket that called himself my best friend would have to wait…but
not for too long. “Appa, what does he mean by this?” I angrily shook the paper
in his face. “What is this bullshit? Why would I ever ask him for space when I
told him that by his side is the only place I wanted to be? I told him. And if
anyone was pressured, it was him! I’ve been chasing away anyone who was
interested in him since middle school because I wanted to keep him all to
myself; he knew it and didn’t complain once! I hunted him down for ten years,
found out he was with someone else and still pursued him. Why would he believe
such nonsense?” I couldn’t think straight. I pushed Appa away, my anger adding
much more force than I meant; luckily, my father knew that it wasn’t directed
towards him. I honestly couldn’t understand the words he wrote. “None of this
makes any sense.” Eomma jerked the page from my hands and pored over it line by
line, muttering curses under her breath. “He left me again. He promised he
wouldn’t, but he left me again. Fuck!!!” I screamed the word out, drawing a
sympathetic glance from the guard.
“Son!” my father admonished harshly. “You can’t honestly be angry with Taehyung
here.”
“I’m not, I can't be mad at him because Hoseok lied to him. I’m more pissed at
myself. I didn’t want to leave him behind in Vegas, I never wanted to fucking
leave in the first place. I should have stayed. I should have tried harder to
make him believe my words. I should have fought harder instead of holding back
until he made a decision. I should have been clearer about how much I wanted
him too. I should have tied a rope around his fucking waist and latched him to
me so he couldn’t get away again.”
“I think you need to re-read it when you’re calmer and have a clearer head.
You’re ignoring the most important parts of the letter.”
“I’m not. I saw every fucking word but it still doesn’t make any sense. It’s
like he doesn’t know me at all. It feels like he has no faith in me, Appa.”
“Sweetie, you don’t know what kind of wild thoughts Hoseok planted in his
head,” Eomma inserted, eyes still glued to the paper. “Think about it, he’s
been out for days, he’s just regained his memory and the first thing he does is
get on a plane to meet you.”
“That’s true,” Appa agreed, nodding solemnly. “It’s not his faith in you that’s
the problem, son, I think it’s his own confidence. Can’t you tell by how easily
he accepted things? It’s heartbreaking.” He shook his head and slipped an arm
around my shoulder. “But the most glaring fact, the most important thing in the
letter is that he loves you, Yoongi. He loves you so much that he came even
though he believed you didn’t want to see him. He loves you so much that he
wants you to be happy even if it’s without him. I don’t think you could have
chosen a worthier partner, Yoongi. I can’t wait until the day he fully enters
our family.”
“Me too…if we can find him again.” I thought about my poor, misled sweetheart
out there actually believing that I didn’t want him. “Where would he go?” And
then it hit me…there was only one place he would go, only one person he would
turn to after being hurt like this. “Shit, we need to call Jungkook.”
He tightened his grip around my shoulders and grabbed my mom’s hand, tugging
her along as she read. “Let’s get upstairs first.” He led us to the elevator,
Eomma still studying the letter and me worried out of my mind.
                                     *****


It was almost four in the morning as we all huddled over Eomma’s now dialing
phone, holding our breaths. He had to be on his way to Jungkook or maybe he was
already there. When the call connected and we saw the raven-haired muscle bunny
staring into the phone, I thought I would pass out from anticipation. There was
a chance this whole thing could be settled in a matter of seconds…if Tae were
there.
“Hyung? Is Tae making you check up on me? I told him I would be fine, just that
I needed space. He doesn’t have to use you to hover over me. Is he nearby? Can
he hear me? Tell him I’m really okay, just sad. And shouldn’t you be just a
little bit jealous that he’s checking up on me instead of honeymooning with
you? Kinda makes you wonder if he’s regretting it already, right hyung?” His
heart wasn’t in it…I could tell.
We let out a collective sad sigh. Tae wasn’t with Jungkook; the kid was
obviously unaware of the entire situation. My worry increased exponentially and
I was desperate to figure out where my love ran off to, but I couldn’t ignore
the kid’s state. He was clearly pretending to be okay, trying to keep the
conversation light and playful, but it looked like he was having a tough time
with the breakup. I, despite being an uncaring miser unless it involved Kim
Taehyung, couldn’t overlook it. I didn’t like seeing him that way at all, so I
played along.
“Jungkook-ah…you look like shit kid.” It was the truth. His eyes were almost
swollen shut, all puffy and bloodshot. There were faint bruises underneath,
from rubbing them too hard I’d guess. His nose was red and I could see the lint
left behind from whatever tissues he used to mop it. I felt bad that he was
brokenhearted because of me. “Seriously, your face…the poop emoji…same thing.
Twins actually.”
“Bite me, Dracula." His face screwed up as if he were deep in thought. "Nah,
come to think of it he was much taller, wasn’t he?” he quipped, sounding a bit
more spirited.
Since I knew now that he didn’t know that Tae was missing, I didn’t want to
tell him. He was already dealing with enough and I didn’t want to add worry on
top of whatever else he was feeling. So, I stalled. “But you should really do
something about that face, I almost—“ Eomma pinched my arm before I could
finish, reminding me of why I really called. “Um, I’m here with Appa and
Eomma…” he waved at them, “did we wake you? You should be resting now, right?”
“I’m fine, well, as fine as I can be considering you stole my boyfriend. Jerk.”
I rolled my eyes. “Jungkook, he was mine first.”
“He was mine second, and?”
“Hate to break it to you but he was never yours. To him you were just a
plushie. A cuddle-buddy.”
“If that’s the case, I was damned good at my job because we cuddled a lot. A
hell of a lot hyung. And you know full well what a good cuddle session with Tae
can lead to…” I forgot for a second that I felt sorry for the brat, grimacing
as he pointed at me. “Ha…careful there, Min Yoongi-hyung, your jealousy is
showing.” He smirked at the screen, color rising in his cheeks. I guess our
back and forth was cheering him up…good. “Don’t worry, I’ll wait awhile before
I steal him back. Enjoy this small victory while you can, hyung.”
“Just try it, bastard. I’d love to see your feelings get hurt twice. I’ll have
my popcorn ready and waiting.” Yes, it definitely wasn’t Jungkook who sent
those texts. Even while sad he was a cocky bastard.
“Yah, you’re such a bad hyung.” He pouted cutely at the screen. “I thought you
would go a little bit easier on me, let me win at something. You know, I
wouldn’t gloat if he picked me.”
“But I’m not gloating, you started it asshole.”
“I didn’t! You—“
“Really you two?” My mother shook her head and grabbed the phone. “Yoongi are
you forgetting the reason why we called? And Kookie, sorry for waking you and
for having a jackass as a son.”
He frowned. “It’s okay, you didn’t wake me. It’s hard to sleep without Tae
here. It’s too quiet and cold…and it’s lonely.”
She absolutely melted after hearing that, and I guess she realized how
insensitive it would be to disregard his feelings. She softened her tone. “Aw,
poor baby.” Sure, we were all worried about Taehyung and eager to find him, but
Jungkook was still reeling and he had no idea what was happening. She fussed
over him a bit, giving him motherly advice about the swelling of his eyes and
the importance of resting before loving on him a bit to make him feel better.
She couldn’t resist, her being the softy she was. Then she got down to
business.
“The reason we’re calling is that we have a bit of trouble brewing here and we
need to verify a couple of things.”
“What’s wrong, Eomma Yun?” His eyebrows knitted together in worry.
“First, I need to ask…did you really contact Yoongi since he’s been gone?”
“Yeah. I even spammed him with pictures of Tae once. We texted and talked…well,
up until he had to switch phones because it was glitching, right hyung?” We all
looked at each other. Fucking Jung Hoseok. “He texted me from the new number
and told me to contact him there, but he never picked up or texted me back. I
left voicemails, but never heard anything from him. I figured he was still
catching up on his sleep since he’s so old and had been up for days. His feeble
little body had to recharge, right Grandpa?”
“Sure thing, infant,” I muttered.
“I’m just sayin…” he shrugged, smiling. I’m sure it was the first genuine one
since the breakup; I was glad to be the one who gave it to him; I also hated
that it would be disappearing soon.
“Kookie…have you heard anything from Tae since the last time we spoke?” Eomma
asked.
“Yeah, he called me to let me know he arrived, though now that I think about it
he had to have been there for a while already. His plane landed at seven and he
called at almost nine. Why are you asking me when you could just ask Tae?” He
looked back and forth between me and my parents. I witnessed the change take
place in a matter of seconds as awareness hit him; it was as if he were imbued
with something dark…something menacing. “Yoongi, hyung, I want to see Tae now.
Tell him to get on.”
“Jungkook-ah…I wish I could.” I couldn’t even meet his eyes.
“Eomma Yun…Mr. Min…what’s happening? Where’s Taehyung?” He looked back and
forth between them, eyes wild with worry. “Where is he?”
“Don’t panic sweetheart. It’s just that Tae…he’s gone missing.”
“’Just that?’ Like it's no big deal or something.” He shot up to his feet.
“Hyung! Why didn’t you say that from the beginning? Why would you let me joke
around like that? What do you mean he’s missing?”
“We don’t know where he is,” I supplied. “I was hoping that he was on his way
or already there with you honestly.”
“Not even a day,” he shook his head, “not even one damned day…I trusted you to
keep him safe Min Yoongi!”
“I know. I’m sorry I let you down kid. I’m pissed at myself, too.”
“But don’t worry too much, we’ll find him no matter what,” Eomma soothed.
He must’ve tossed the phone onto the bed; I heard drawers opening and scuffling
from what I assumed was Jungkook getting dressed. He picked up the phone again,
hair mussed and sure enough fully dressed. He was on the move; I could hear
keys jangling as he walked. “What happened? Tell me everything.”
“Here’s what we know. Someone has been manipulating us. Yoongi’s phone was
tampered with hence he hasn’t been receiving the messages you sent. He’s been
talking to someone masquerading as you.”
“What in the hell? Wait, now that I think about it…straight to voicemail every
single time but my messages seemed to go through…” his face screwed up in
concentration. “Hyung, we’re blocked. It would explain a lot. It would make it
impossible for me to contact you.
“Damn it, I didn’t even think of it…” My mom and dad looked at me curiously.
“My phone…I left my phone on the table.” They nodded their understanding and I
returned my attention to Jungkook. “Nothing was ever wrong with my phone. I
didn’t send you any messages because I’ve been asleep for the last 22 hours. I
took meds and they knocked me on my ass. When I woke up and saw messages from
you saying that Tae chose you and that you were both headed home, I got
suspicious.”
“But I never—”
“I know, hell I knew it almost as soon as I read the messages. That’s how I
figured out someone was masquerading as you. We got to know each other pretty
quickly when we were in Vegas so I could tell right away that you didn’t write
them.”
Eomma jumped in then. “When Tae showed up here, Yoongi was asleep and locked in
his room. He met with…an associate of the family instead and left here crying
and upset. We know this only because of CCTV and a note he left behind, but we
don’t know where he went. He’s not picking up his phone.”
“This ‘associate’ pf yours made him cry?” I saw the glint of steel in his eye;
even to me a livid Jungkook was a scary sight. It was as if he were an entirely
different person; he must’ve been holding back when we clashed in my suite
because this was something I’d never seen. “Why the anonymity? Who exactly is
this ‘associate’ and what did he do to Tae?”
“It pisses me off just thinking his name, Eomma’s just trying not to set me
off. It was Jung Hoseok, my former best friend and harborer of a ridiculous,
baseless one-sided love for yours truly…soon to be dead, when I get my hands on
him.” I found great pleasure in visualizing my hands around his throat,
squeezing as his eyes bulged from their sockets.
Jungkook nodded in agreement, “As long as I get to have a go before you finish
him.”
I raised a brow. “How about we go together then? Four fists are better than
two.” I grinned darkly and it was matched by the younger.
“It’s eerily odd how alike you two are…” my mother was obviously irritated. “…I
get that you want to make him pay, but let’s focus on what’s important. Kiddo,
we believe Hoseok may have misled Tae…fed him a bunch of lies to get him to
leave. Based on the footage, you spoke to him after he left here. Did he drop
any hints about where he was heading? I’ve read his letter about fifty times
searching for a hint, anything that could lead us to him. There’s nothing.”
“Fuck.” My father flinched at his profanity. My mother gave him a warning
glare, and Jungkook flushed a deep red. “I’m so sorry Mins, that was rude of me
but I’m not accustomed to interacting with adults I actually respect. I
apologize for the slip, but I just remembered something. When he called he kept
saying that he could come here if I wanted him to. It didn’t register; I didn’t
pay much attention to it then because my mind was on other things, but it
seemed like he really wanted to come home.”
“Then it’s possible he’s on his way to you, right? You think he’s on his way
there?” I asked, hope filling my chest. “If you hurry to the airport, maybe you
can catch him. How long would it take for a flight to arrive there? He had to
leave some time after nine—”
“No.” he interrupted sadly and I deflated seeing his face. “I told him I didn’t
want to see him. I told him I needed space and asked him to stay away for a
while.”
“For how long?”
“I think I said weeks at the most. Hyung…I think I may have said some hurtful
things.”
“Hurtful? Jungkook-ah…” I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. Knowing
Jungkook’s habit of letting his emotions direct his actions and his mouth, I
knew it was bad. “What did you say?”
“I might’ve compared losing him to going through withdrawals. And I said I
couldn’t stand to see his face. And I hung up on him after he apologized and
told me he loved me. I didn’t know he was upset though, honestly. He didn’t get
to say much because I kept talking over him. I was too into my own feelings to
realize…I’m sorry.”
I could hear the guilt in his voice, see it in his eyes. “Shit…” I pinched the
bridge of my nose and talked myself down. It wouldn’t be fair to blame Jungkook
for this. He was hurting and only said how he felt at the time…that’s what I
told myself to prevent the endless list of profane names I wanted to call him
right now. Even though he didn’t really do anything wrong, the boy needed to
learn how to control his emotions. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t know.”
“Don’t be like that with me. Don’t try to placate me. It’s bad enough when Tae
does it, I don’t need it from you, too. It was unintentional this time, but I
fucked up nonetheless. I’m not saying it’s all my fault, but if I had listened,
if I heard him out, maybe he would be here with me right now.”
“And if I hadn’t taken sleeping pills I would have been awake when he came. If
I stayed in Vegas like I wanted to, he wouldn’t have come here looking for me
in the first place. I should take responsibility too, right?”
“Hyung…it’s not your fault.”
Surprisingly, I took comfort in hearing that from him. “Neither is it yours. As
far as I’m concerned, there’s only one person to blame for this mess—Jung
Hoseok. The only thing you’re guilty of is sharing your feelings.”
“But saying it again out loud, it kind of sounds like an attack,” he muttered.
“That’s not how meant it, I swear, hyung. It’s just that seeing him so soon and
still loving him the way I do but not being able to act on my feelings would
make things awkward between us. I wanted time to adjust to this strictly
platonic relationship; it's new and it's going to be so hard to let go of him.
I mean, you know how irresistible he is and I’m already struggling, so I
thought it was best for him to stay away. I only wanted to respect his
decision. And then hearing him say he loves me but knowing it’s not the same as
mine for him just...ugh, I couldn’t take it. So, I hung up in a panic and
bawled my eyes out.”
“Ah, and it happened right after he was led to believe that I tried to self-
harm again because of him. He also believes that I’m already in a relationship
and that I only wanted to be with him because I felt pressured into it.”
“Shit, hyung. After everything it took for him to make a choice, for him to
hear that would kill him. And then for me to shut him out like that when he
needed me most...this is bad.” He went blank for a second. “With the way Tae
thinks, you know he believes everything that goes wrong is his fault. If he’s
out there alone and goes into his headspace or breaks down…shit, I should hang
up and call Jin and Joon. They may have some insight to offer, especially Joon.
Hell, they might even have an clue where he would go.”
“That’s a good idea, Jungkook. Meanwhile, we’ll try to find out if he left
Cali. We’ll do everything we can to find him.”
“I’ll try my best to find him, too. I promise, hyung. Later Eomma, Mr. Min.
I’ll call as soon as I know anything.” He waved and hung up before any of us
could say anything else.
“Jung Hoseok,” Eomma spat. “That bastard will pay.”
I nodded, “He needs to answer for all of this. If anything happens to Tae, I
swear…”
“Honey,” she turned to face my father, “you’re the most rational out of the
three of us. What should we do?”
Appa had sat quietly throughout the entire conversation, just observing and
thinking. “Son, when is the last time you called Hoseok over in the middle of
the night?”
“It’s been years."
“Ah…then it’s long overdue. We have a few things to do first, but then you’ll
call him over. We’ll settle things once and for all.”
Hoseok made a huge mistake and fucked with the wrong family. Payback would be
swift and sweet.
Chapter End Notes
     So...not much happened in this chapter, but I think we can all agree
     that there's no pulling anything over on the Min family lol. It took
     no time and minimal effort for Hoseok's deception to crumble. He said
     it himself that it might last only a day; I have a feeling he's going
     to regret how correct his assumption was...you'll see next chapter.
     ;)
     Tae's letter...thank goodness. I wanted to write it longhand and post
     a pic. I might still do it, but I wanted it to be easily understood.
     I don't know. I hate that he didn't call out Hoseok's misdeeds
     directly and that he was so positive and supportive. But that's who
     Tae has been this whole damned story. He's too fucking precious.
     Ugh...it's okay to be petty every now and then Tae.
     I don't know about you guys, but I absolutely love how well Yoongi
     knows Jungkook already. Their friendship/rivalry makes me smile so
     hard. The way they interact with each other with the bickering and
     the competitiveness, why do I find it cute? Is it just me?
     Next Update
     Chapter 46 - The Gang's All Here (working title)
     Yoongi, Yunhee, Seunggi, Jungkook, Namjoon, and Jin all confront
     Hoseok.
***** The Gang's All Here *****
Chapter Summary
     Hoseok gets the whole story; Hoseok comes clean. Taehyung is found;
     Yoongi loses it.
Chapter Notes
     Ah, hello again lovelies! Sorry it didn't go up at midnight, but I
     lost track of time while voting. Here we go, hot off the presses.
     It's the moment we've all been waiting for...Hoseok finally gets his
     due. It's will be short and swift, but satisfying I promise. It's
     also a little sad. I hope you like it.
     I guess I'll see you all in the comments. :)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The bastard had the nerve to stop by the security desk first, as if he hadn’t
let himself into my home like it was his own. But I stayed calm. I told them to
let him up. And then we waited…
                                     *****
After hanging up with Jungkook we started doing all the things we should have
done from the very beginning, but were too panicked to entertain. We called the
police first but since Taehyung was an adult, left by his own means, and had
not been missing for over 24 hours, there was nothing they could do.
Next, we called the security guard who was on duty earlier; the one who had
been so kind to Taehyung. I apologized profusely for disturbing him and
explained a little bit of the situation. Surprisingly, he was happy to help,
despite the early hour. He said he was just as worried about the sweet,
heartbroken boy who showed him more respect and kindness than anyone who ever
stepped a foot inside the building. I was so proud of Tae that I couldn’t get
offended; I made a mental note to be kinder to the people around me.
He answered every question I had, though it yielded little information. He
apologized for not being able to help more and made me promise to update him
when he came in to work. I did, and I also promised the guard that I would
formally introduce Taehyung when I found him. I thanked him profusely for his
charity and kindness before we disconnected.
Eomma stayed back to call local hotels while my father and I went to the
airport; they outright refused to share any passenger information. Appa got on
his phone and I don’t know what kind of miracle connections he has but somehow,
we got permission to access surveillance footage. Eventually, we found Tae
entering the airport. We tracked his progress throughout and after seeing him
purchase a ticket, seeing which concourse he sat in, and seeing what time he
boarded, we pinpointed his flight.
He boarded the 11:50 p.m. flight to Boston, Massachusetts. It was a seven-hour
flight; he landed there while we were still on the phone with Jungkook.
We called the now unblocked Jungkook immediately, who was with Tae’s cousins.
They assured us they hadn’t heard anything from him, but set out for the
airport anyway. They planned to ask around the cab stand and call some car
services to see if anyone picked him up, and if so, where he went.
I told Jungkook our plans and he said he would Skype as soon as possible. He
didn’t want to miss the show.
                                     *****
I sat sandwiched between my parents and fiddling with my laptop when we heard
the door open and close. “Yoongs?” I heard him call out. My parents maintained
physical contact as I stiffened, Eomma gripped my leg while Appa kept an arm
wrapped around my shoulder. To any casual observer, it would seem as if they
were being affectionate…not exactly the case. They were trying to keep me in
check.
When Jung Hoseok stepped into in my living room, arms laden with bags of
breakfast foods, I tried to launch myself over the table. I wanted nothing more
than to bring to life every fucking imaginary beatdown I’d envisioned since I
found out what he did. Unfortunately, my parents had a firm hold on me. Again,
to a casual observer, it looked like I tried to stand but then sat back down.
To those of us who knew better, Jung Hoseok’s life had been extended for a bit
longer. “Hoseok,” I pretty much growled out.
“Mr. and Mrs. Min…good morning. I had no idea you were here as well, I’m glad I
brought a lot to eat.”
“Good morning, Hoseok,” my father offered politely. My mother merely nodded.
“I’ll just set this stuff up in there,” he gestured with his head towards the
kitchen, “and then we can talk, yeah?”
“Sure,” I basically grunted. I don’t know how he couldn’t feel the animosity
filling the room. Maybe if he showed the slightest remorse, the smallest
indication of guilt, I wouldn’t be so angry. But he was acting like nothing
happened, like he had done nothing wrong. It only fueled my rage and I was
dying to get my hands around his slender little neck. But my parents did their
jobs too well.
“Ok, be right back.” And then he was gone. I could hear him moving about,
opening and closing things and the clang of cutlery as he set up the kitchen
for breakfast service. I glared at my father, not saying a word. But my eyes
screamed, Who in the fuck does he think he is to stroll up in my house like
he’s done nothing wrong, like he hasn’t ruined my whole fucking life and hurt
my Taehyung? Appa just shook his head, urging me without words to keep cool. I
tried to reign in my anger.
A few minutes later Hoseok rejoined us, plopping down into the recliner.
“Breakfast is served.” He smiled brightly at us before taking in my grim
expression. “Yoongs…are you okay? You sounded upset when you called and I was
worried.”
“I’m very upset, actually. I woke up to some bad news. I really need the people
who care for me around me right now. Eomma and Appa are here to lend their
support.”
“Oh…” he shifted uncomfortably, “then why am I here?”
I glowered at him. “Are you saying you don’t care for me?”
His hand flew up defensively as he shook his head. “No, of course not! You know
how I feel about you. But after the way things went down between us the other
day, I’m a bit surprised that you would want me here.”
I leaned forward a bit and smiled, all teeth and gums. I felt my mother’s hand
tense and my father tighten his hold on my shoulder. There was no escaping
them. “Trust me, there’s no one I want here more than you.”
An unobservant Hoseok noticed nothing. “That’s…I’m glad to hear it.” He smiled
his idiot grin and I wanted to pull out every single tooth one by one…but I
maintained. “So, what’s up?”
It was vexing the way he smiled at me, like he didn’t fuck up my entire life by
driving away the only person in this world I could ever love. The fact that he
was so easy-going and unbothered by it all, that it was so easy for him to
continue this deception while looking me in the eye proved beyond a shadow of a
doubt that I would never be able to trust him again. I looked to my father for
encouragement; he nodded and I let the tension drain from my body. As much as I
wanted to strangle this grinning idiot, this meeting had a purpose. I borrowed
strength from Appa and began. “My relationship with Kim Taehyung finally has
closure. Jeon Jungkook messaged me while I was asleep. He and Kim Taehyung are
a couple now.” I watched carefully for his reaction.
He eyebrows nearly met his hairline. “Really? Damn. I’m so sorry, Yoongs.” I
had to give it to the bastard, he was an excellent pretender. He actually
sounded like he gave a damn. I exchanged a look with Eomma and could tell that
she was thinking the same thing I was. It was no wonder Taehyung believed his
lies so easily. “What I wanted more than anything was for you to be happy. I
know he made you happy.”
“He did. Very much,” I said honestly, trying hard to sustain my calm. “Too
much. I felt like I didn’t deserve that much happiness, especially after
hearing how strong he had to be while we were separated.”
Hoseok shook his head adamantly. “You’ve been strong, too, hyung. You’ve
suffered so much over the years and you’re just getting around to okay. It took
a long time for you to get to this point and we’re all proud of you. It takes
exceptional strength to do what you’ve done.”
“It does, but still…I can’t help but admire him. You don’t know what he’s been
through.”
“I don’t want to know. Whatever he went through is no longer your concern so
it’s unimportant to me, right? He has someone else now to worry over him. Your
parents and me, we’re here for you,” he said, gesturing at them. “You don’t
need anyone else but us.”
I felt Eomma’s fingertips jerk and I knew better than to make eye contact with
her because her anger would just spur me on. I concentrated on the Appa’s touch
to keep me centered. I still wanted to do soccer drills with his head, but I
had to do this first. I had to let him know just how royally he fucked up, but
I also had to find out if Tae had said anything that would help us find him. It
would be quite hard for him to talk if his head was detached from his body.
“It’s very much my concern because I let him down in a major way. I think that
may be why he chose to stay with, Jungkook.”
“He didn’t give you a specific reason?” He asked as if he did know the answer.
The lying bastard was so convincing, so believable that it made my blood
boiled. This was what Tae had faced; his trusting, innocent nature would be no
match against a professional liar such as this one.
“Not really, no. It was Jungkook who delivered the news, remember? But it’s
easy to figure out why he didn’t choose me. I never told you how Tae and I were
separated, did I?”
I witnessed a twitch of irritation before he answered. “No, just that you were
looking for him. You never wanted to talk about him. You completely shut me out
when it came to him.” He said it a bit angrily, though his face was blank and
composed. “I always wondered what happened and why you were so fixated.”
His statement oozed envy and I wanted to laugh in his face and tell him that my
‘fixation’ was still very much intact and would always be. But I held my
tongue. “It was while we were in high school…his father along with his mistress
killed Taehyung’s mom. They were carted off to prison, leaving Tae alone.”
“What?”
“Yeah. Our families were extremely close so it was devastating for all of us,
but for Tae…” I took a breath to calm myself. “Because of that, Taehyung was
left in the care of his grandfather. He got yanked out of his old life and
taken away from the only family he’d known. The old man changed his name and
kept him hidden here. Life wasn’t easy for him.”
“I’m sure it was tragic to lose his parents like that, but at least he had his
grandfather, right?” Hoseok argued. “He still had family, he had wealth,
prestige, and opportunity…he even found someone to love. It sounds like life
did him well despite his loss.”
“Sounds like…indeed, it does seem like he had it good, doesn’t it?” He nodded.
“But then you hear the rest…about him being abused…about him being tortured.
Then all the rest of it seems like shit. The money the prestige, none of that
matters if it’s accompanied by cruelty.”
A genuine surprised expression graced his face. “Yoongi, what are you talking
about?”
“Abuse. Torture. You do know what those words mean, don’t you, Hoseok?”
“I know very well what they mean, but what do they have to do with Taehyung?”
“Oh, that’s right. The opportunity to explain was lost the other day because
you were too absorbed with your own feelings. I told you it wasn’t my story to
tell, but still I felt you deserved some of the details. Our Taehyungie has
been abused regularly without mercy for the last ten years.” His hand flew up
to his mouth. “Beaten, cut, burned, caged…”
“Caged?” he asked, voice strangled and horrified.
“Yes, also starved and whipped. Pretty much any form of physical abuse you can
think of it, he’s suffered through it. The torment became so great that he
developed a mental condition where he loses chunks of his memory, you know, for
self-preservation’s sake…a mental block of sorts. He can’t remember everything,
but the things that he does remember is enough to turn any normal person’s
stomach.”
“Wh…well…really?” He sat there in shock, lips moving as if he wanted to say
something but couldn’t find words.
“Yes, really. I saw the scars on his body. He also suffers from psychological
damage. It’s been drilled into him that he’s unlovable. That he’s worthless.
That he’s selfish. That he’s unwanted. When he feels threatened or encounters
anything remotely traumatic, he detaches from reality and goes into a blank
state. When I left him in Las Vegas, he was like that. All because Jungkook
tried to force him not to see me. Can you imagine that? Seeing him lying there
like a statue for days at the mere thought, the suggestion of not being able to
see me. Yet, he would choose not to be with me. Isn’t that strange?”
He swallowed uncomfortably. “It’s…he could have had a change of heart,” he
offered hastily.
“Maybe.” I could tell his mind was working. “But back to the story, he was
forced into isolation, no human contact with anyone other than the person who
did all these terrible things to him. A lesser being would have cracked, would
have given up, but my Taehyung stayed strong and hopeful.” I chuckled
sardonically. “Do you know how he stayed strong, why he didn’t give up hope?”
“No.”
“Me. He thought of me whenever he was suffering. He let his mind escape to
memories of us together and he withstood it all. He held on to the hope that I
would show up one day and save him. That I would take him away from his
tormentor and we would live out the rest of our days together happy and in
love. He never gave up on me.” I felt Eomma give my leg a gentle, supportive
squeeze.
“But…there’s Jungkook.”
“Ah, yes. Jeon Jungkook, the troubled boy who reminded Tae so much of me that
he couldn’t let go of him. But they didn’t find each other until two years ago.
Tae has been alone for most of the time we’ve been apart. Alone, suffering, and
waiting for me.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll never be able to forgive myself because instead of me, Jungkook was the
one who saved him. I never showed up so Tae thought I gave up on him. It’s the
only reason he decided to move on.”
“It…that makes sense.” Hoseok started tapping his foot nervously. “So, he chose
Jungkook because he thinks you failed him. He thinks you let him…” I was amazed
by the tears in his eyes. The bastard had feelings after all. “…you abandoned
him there. He thinks it’s your fault.”
“No, only I think it’s my fault. Tae is too sweet, too kind to ever blame me
for it. But I think he feels like he can’t count on me to be there when he
needs me. I lost him all on my own this time.”
“All on your own…right. I…I’m stunned, hyung. I don’t know what to say.” I
watched a tear spill over onto his cheek; he hurriedly wiped it away. “It’s
such a sad story.” He studied his hands in his lap.
“It is. You should be thankful you got the amended version. Eomma and Appa
weren’t so lucky.” He nodded, still staring at his hands…not making eye
contact. Was it possible that he felt some remorse for what he did? Maybe. But
it was too late for him to feel guilty. He waltzed in here smiling and lied to
my face. Any chance he had at gaining my sympathy was gone.“Over the last few
days he and I resolved all of our issues and we found ourselves to be just as
in love with each other as we’ve always been, but he is moving forward with
Jungkook according to these text messages. And I would have thought it was
cruel for him to leave me like that, with the news coming from his new lover,
but then I got this letter.” I held up Tae’s letter.
His head flew up, eyes zeroing in on the paper. “Letter?” I could smell the
panic radiating from him.
I held up Tae’s letter. “He made a promise to me that he would never up and
leave me again; he would never walk away from me without a proper goodbye. And
we decided that no matter who he chose, we would still keep our friendship…wow,
I never got the chance to tell you that either, did I?”
“No…” he clasped his hands tightly in his lap, moisture clinging onto his
lashes. “You didn’t.”
“So, this letter was waiting for me at the security desk when I woke up. Would
you like to read it?”
I don’t know what gave it away, but I knew exactly when he recognized the
underlying menace in my words. “No.” He stood. “I think I should leave.”
“I think you should read it.” I made to stand and he flinched like the coward
he was…my parents held me back.
He started to back away. “I don’t need to, I can pretty much guess what it
says.”
“Read it anyway. You’re mentioned quite a few times in it.” My parents let me
lean forward just enough to lay the page on the table, firmly restraining me.
He nodded. “I’m sure I am.” He approached hesitantly, gently lifting the letter
from table. He was close enough to tackle, but I couldn’t make it to him.
Besides, it was important that he understood it all. The hurt would come later.
I would make him feel pain later.
He unfolded the letter, glancing up at me once before delving into Tae’s words.
I watched his eyes dart back and forth as he consumed every sentence, every
word, every character. I took in every expression he made, every exhalation,
every tell. He devoured the letter, flipping it rapidly as if he couldn’t get
enough. I watched his shoulders slump as he reached the end. “Interesting,
isn’t it?”
Eyes swimming in tears, he held the letter out to me. “When you said he
mentioned me, I didn’t know you meant like this.”
I snatched away from him. “What did you think it would say, Jung Hoseok?”
“Not that.” He went back to recliner and slumped into it. “Why would he
encourage you to be happy with me?” He said it aloud, but I could tell the
words were meant for himself. “Why didn’t he rip me apart or snitch? Where are
the harsh words or insults? I was so…why…” he trailed off, deep in thought.
“Our Tae, it’s not in him to do things like that. When were in school, he got
picked on a lot because he was apparently too beautiful to be a boy. Even
though they hit him and hurt him, made him cry, he never wanted me to take
revenge. It’s the same with his grandfather. Though he hates what the man did
to him and is afraid of him, he forgave him. He’s the type who doesn’t want to
see anyone in pain. He’s an angel, Hoseok. A pure, sweet, innocent angel and
he’s too fucking good to exist in a world like this one. And I was lucky enough
to have his heart. Can you imagine that? A miser like me, an asshole like me…he
wanted me. He loved me. He still loves me according to that letter. But I don’t
understand why he would think I don’t love him. Do you know why, Hoseok? Do you
know why he believes that I want to be with you instead?”
“I do.” He nodded sadly. “It’s unfortunate, but I do.”
“And are you ready to share that with me?” I asked through clenched teeth.
“I am, but I have a feeling you already know most of it...don’t you?”
“I do, we all do. But there are a few holes, things we need to know.”
“How angry are you with me, really?”
“How angry am I?” I looked at each one of my parents and cackled darkly before
turning back to that idiot. “The only reason you’re still breathing is because
they’re holding me back. I promised Jungkook that we would kill you together,
but having you right here in front of me is too tempting. You see, after the
stunt you pulled my Tae went missing.” He looked from my mother to my father, I
guess to verify what I said; he met a steely glare from Eomma and utter disgust
from my father. “You better hope you’re holding some vital piece of
information, anything that will help me find him, because that’s the only thing
that will extend your pathetic excuse for a life. If I were you, I would start
talking now.”
He nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the ringtone
emitting from my laptop. Eomma leaned forward and accepted the call. We were
met with Jungkook’s angry face as he sat crammed between a serious-looking
blond and a beautiful brunet—the latter was definitely related to my Taehyung.
“Mins…Yoongi…” Jungkook greeted, inclining his head at each of us. “These are
hyung’s cousins, Namjoon, “he gestured first to the blond, who waved, and then
to the brunet, “and Seokjin.”
“Nice to meet you both. You’re just in time, Jungkookie,” Eomma said. “This
bastard—move closer so that they can see you—“ she spat at Hoseok. “He was just
about to fill us in on the details of his meeting with our Taehyung.” She
turned laptop so that they could see him. “Start talking.”
And Hoseok began his tale.
                                     *****
We all sat in stunned silence staring at Hoseok as he finished. I could feel
fury buzzing underneath my skin. "Appa, let me go!" I screamed. "Let me go! I'm
going to fucking kill him!" I looked at Hoseok. "You made him think I lied
about my feelings. You made him think he hurt me. You made him think we had a
physical relationship! Do you know how much it meant to him that I stayed
faithful to him? Why in the fuck would you do that?"
"He is slime, hyung. Fucking slime," Jungkook chimed in.
"Some of the phrases he used," Namjoon stated, "they were triggers for
Taehyung. Telling him that he was a burden, that Yoongi didn't want him...it's
worrisome."
"How so?" I heard Appa ask as I continued to struggle in his arms.
"I'm not supposed to divulge information from our sessions, but it's necessary.
He was programmed to believe those things, as well as some others. The abuse he
endured, he called them 'punishments'. He believed he deserved them. If he's
feeling particularly guilty right now, for hurting Yoongi and Jungkook, there's
no telling what he might do to himself."
A shiver ran down my spine as innate fear gripped me. The thought of Taehyung
trying to punish himself for such ridiculous reasons filled me with disgust.
Out of nowhere, my mother let go of my leg and calmly strode towards Hoseok;
Appa locked his arms around my waist so that I couldn’t escape. “You made him
think that I didn’t want him? Me, the only mother he has left. You told him I
wanted to ‘leave him in the past’?” Hoseok stammered as he tried to answer her,
but there was nothing to be said that would save him. The slap resounded loudly
in the quiet room, echoing off of the walls. “You loathesome, evil, cruel
bastard. How dare you make him think for a second that we don’t want him. How
dare you say such hurtful things to my child.” She spat at his feet. “You’re
vile and treacherous and I regret the day my son met you.” She turned to look
back at me and Appa, rage burning in her eyes. “Let him go, Seung Gi,” she
demanded.
I threw myself forward, relieved that I finally had permission to end him; my
father yanked me back. I struggled against him, snarling and grunting like some
sort of feral beast, twisting and turning in his arms in pursuit of my freedom.
It was a done deal; Jung Hoseok's life would end tonight.
“Yoongi, this isn’t the way. What would Tae think if he saw you like this?
Think about Tae,” he pleaded. “And Yun, you’re angry right now but you have to
consider the consequences. Are you really this eager to lose another son? If I
let him go, you know what will happen.”
“I haven’t lost Tae yet, I will find him,” she said. “And anything that happens
to this...unfeeling asshole is no less than what he deserves.”
Unable to reason with her, he turned his attention back to me. “Yoongi, think
about it. If you let your rage get the better of you, you will go to jail. How
will you ever find Taehyung if you’re behind bars? Focus on what matters,
finding him and making sure he’s safe.”
“Yoongi-hyung…he’s right,” Jungkook spoke up. I looked towards the laptop and
saw that same burning expression he had shown me earlier. “Tae takes
precedence. We have all the time in the world to make him suffer, trust me, it
will happen.” His expression morphed into something sad and broken. “I need you
out here. We need to find Tae…together. Let it go, just for now, okay hyung?
Please…I know I won’t be able to handle this without you.”
I stopped struggling. Damn him. “Jungkook-ah…I…I can’t just let it go. You
understand better than everyone else why I have to do it, right?”
“I'm not asking you not to, I want it as much as you do. But please, push it
aside for now. You can still hate him. You can still plan out his murder in
your mind. Just don’t act on it. Tae comes first, right? Before anything else,
Tae is most important. Besides, I’m not there. You promised.”
“That…I did.” I flopped pathetically in my father’s arms. “I won’t…I’ll bury it
for now.” I glared at the trembling lump of flesh that was Jung Hoseok. “For
now,” I re-emphasized.
“And as for you…” Jungkook spoke to Hoseok. “When we do meet, fuckface, I’m
going to shove my Timberland’s so far up your ass you’re going to be choking on
my shoelaces for a month. Every ounce of pain you caused Taehyung to feel, I’m
going to make sure you get it back in spades. Hyung and I will make you pay for
what you’ve done. You have my word on that.”
“As if I’m going to let you ruin your life over someone like that,” Seokjin
grumbled. "Tae would never forgive us if we let you do something so stupid."
Namjoon nodded. “Agreed. He’s not worth it. What we need to figure out now is
where Tae may have gone. I understand that we’re all angry, but we need to work
together. It’s our best shot at finding him.”
A ringtone blared from the screen. “Excuse me,” Seokjin offered politely before
hurrying away to somewhere offscreen.
“We’ve been calling all of the local hotels but haven’t had any luck yet. We
were able to check his bank statement for recent activity and found out that
his last purchase was on a car service,” Jungkook explained. “We contacted the
company and they confirmed that he was a passenger earlier this morning, but
they refused to give us a destination.”
Namjoon picked it up from there. “So, Seokjin came up with the brilliant idea
of pinging his phone to see if we can lock down a specific area. We had to use
our family name to force cooperation, but we got it done. We’ve been waiting
for a call back…I’m assuming that Seokjin is getting the information as we
speak.”
“So, we might be able to trace him?” I asked, feeling relieved. “This whole
mess can be cleared up just like this?”
“I hope so. Our Taehyungie is a creature of habits. Gardens, zoos,
parks…somewhere that is comforting to him is where he’ll go. After being dealt
a blow like this, he going to need something familiar to keep him grounded.”
“I’m not so sure,” Jungkook spoke up. “The way he feels right now goes beyond
just needing comfort. He thinks we don’t love him, don’t want him. If he feels
rejected, comfort won’t be enough.”
“Not to mention, Hoseok made him believe that it was his fault that I tried to
self-harm.” I scowled at my former friend. “Knowing Tae, he’s probably blaming
himself. We all know what might happen. If he’s out there blank somewhere, he’s
susceptible to all sorts of danger.”
“That’s our concern as well, which is why we’re using every advantage, every
avenue to locate him. He’s my blood, and I will do everything, anything in my
power to bring him home,” Namjoon stated. I was overwhelmed by extreme
affection for the man. He and I were on the same page.
Seokjin walked back into the frame, tears streaming down his face. “Jin-hyung?”
Jungkook grabbed the other’s hand as the man plopped down next to him and
wrapped him in a bone-crushing hug, still bawling his eyes out. “Hyung, what’s
wrong? What did they say?”
“Joon…” Seokjin began, “everyone. I’m sorry. The p-ping worked,” he sniffled.
“I know where he is…I know.”
Namjoon stood and knelt in front of his cousin. “Jinnie? What is it? Where is
he? Is he hurt?” I felt my heart sink into the depths of my stomach. I sent a
terrifying glare at Hoseok, who still stood there trembling and quiet. “Where
is Taehyung?”
“Joon…he went back. He’s there.”
“There? Where, Jin?” Some unknown revelation occurred in the blond’s head
because he removed his glasses and covered his eyes. “Are you sure?” Seoking
nodded sadly.
Jungkook stood suddenly and the worry on his face was contagious. I was
suddenly very afraid. “No way. He wouldn’t…would he?”
Seokjin nodded. “The last ping came from a tower near the estate. He must’ve
taken his battery out or something because they can’t reach it now. He went
straight from the plane to there. It’s too late. There’s nothing we can do
now.”
“Wait,” I interrupted. “You three are seriously pissing me off right now. I
don’t understand what’s going on and this freaky communicating without actually
communicating thing has me ready to throw this fucking laptop. Where is he?
Where is Taehyung and what do you mean by we can’t do anything?”
“Hyung…” and I knew it was bad because Jungkook was crying now too. “He went
back home. He’s there…with his grandfather.”
“His…” I choked on my words. “He went there? Willingly?”
“He’s lost to us,” Seokjin said before bursting into tears again. "Uncle is
well-protected and the estate is a fortress. If Tae went there on his own,
there's nothing we can do to get him out. Not without breaking the law."
I took in the scene: Seokjin and Namjoon clinging to each other as they cried;
Jungkook with his head in his hands, shaking violently while sobbing, Eomma
sinking to her knees on the floor, mouth agape and eyes wide in shock. I looked
up to see Appa crying too, silent and still. And then there was that fucker
Hoseok, crying loudly. I frowned at him.
“It’s all my fault. Everything…it’s my fault,” he croaked. “If I hadn’t hidden
it…if I would have told someone…”
“What are you blabbering about?” I demanded. “Told someone what, Hoseok?”
“Six years ago…” he mumbled. “The PIs…when they found him...this is all my
fault.”
“Six years ago?” Everything went still and all eyes turned to Jung Hoseok. “Are
you saying what I think you’re saying? Six years ago…you found him? You found
Taehyung?”
He nodded, still crying. “But I never told you. You were hospitalized when the
email came and I…I thought it was his fault. I wanted to protect you, but…” he
couldn’t get the words out.
“You knew where he was and hid it from me? Hoseok…you…you…” I couldn’t find
words either. Six years ago...we could have had six years together. This whole
mess, all of it, could have been avoided if Jung fucking Hoseok hadn't played
God with my life. "How?"
“I paid that PI off. I got rid of the pictures. It’s because of me that he
stayed there.”
I felt my father’s hold loosen, most likely due to the shock of Hoseok’s words.
It was just the opening I needed.
I heard the snap as my fragile mind shattered and the world was bathed in red
and silence. I no longer occupied my body; I bore witness, an outside observer,
watching as my body moved on its own. I took advantage of father’s slack grip
and leapt over the table, sprinting towards Hoseok. The man merely closed his
eyes while I mowed him down, surrendering in totality to swift and sweet
vengeance.
                                     *****
I wrapped both hands around Hoseok’s throat, squeezing so hard that the man
went purple in a matter of seconds. I crushed his windpipe, screaming at him to
explain why he did it; of course, Hoseok couldn’t answer. Not when my fingers
were so securely and tightly wrapped around his neck that they overlapped.
His hands came up to mine on reflex, trying desperately to pull them away so
that he could breathe. I captured his wrist and bent it back sharply, relishing
the almost musical crack it made when it broke. Hoseok’s eyes rolled back into
his head, the pain probably unbearable as his hand hung limply at the joint.
Worried that he would pass out before I could really get into it, I flung his
limp form to the floor. He tried to shuffle away, choking and retching
horrifically, but there was no way I would let him off that easily. I stalked
after him and grabbed him harshly by his hair, lifting his face so that he
could see what was coming. I slammed a fist into his nose, his cheek, his eye,
his mouth…over and over again, I didn’t leave anything untouched. The last
punch was so forceful, so strong that he flew back at least ten feet, leaving
behind a tuft of hair in my still-clenched fist.
And I was after him again.
He tried to crawl this time; I kicked him violently in the stomach and enjoyed
the way his back arched as he gagged and drool leaked from his slack mouth. Had
he eaten, he probably would’ve have vomited from that blow. I kicked him with
as much strength as I could muster, devouring every wince, every cry, every
grunt…letting it fuel my rage.
He was on his back now, having rolled over after one kick too many to the same
spot, squirming and groaning in pain. I didn’t hesitate to sit on his chest. I
locked my fingers around his slender throat once more, loving the way his eyes
bulged from his sockets. Something inside me purred when the blood vessels in
his eyes burst, leaving lovely spatterings of red. A while longer, only a
moment, and Jung Hoseok would be done. Jung Hoseok would disappear from this
world and all that would be left behind was this pathetic vessel.
It was almost over. I smiled down into wide, petrified, blood-spotted eyes, and
prayed for it to end quickly. Touching him made me feel dirty; the sooner he
was dead, the better I would feel.
                                     *****
Appa tackled me from the side, knocking me off an unmoving Jung Hoseok. He
pinned me down. “Yun! Check him, make sure he’s still breathing!” I didn’t see
any of it. I flailed and fought, trying in vain to get my hulk of a father off
me so I could finish what I started. “Yoongi, calm down. Shhh, I got you, son.
Appa’s here.”
I could never hurt my father. He was the one who grounded me, who kept me sane.
My struggling grew less intense until it stopped completely. I lied there stiff
and unmoving; suddenly I felt exhausted. I could feel my chest convulsing
painfully and the world looked distorted—like I was viewing it through a rainy
covered, foggy window. Sound re-entered the scene, and I heard a lot of things
all at once. I heard Jungkook screaming my name, sobbing loudly because I
wasn’t responding to him. I heard the Kim cousins trying to soothe him, still
crying themselves. I heard my mother trying to resuscitate an unconscious Jung
Hoseok, muttering profanities under her breath. I heard my father whispering
words of encouragement, telling me that he loved me and that there was still
hope. Lastly, I heard the saddest, most heart-wrenching wails reverberating
throughout the room. It took a while for me to realize that it was my voice, my
cries.
“Appa…” I cried. “He…what he did…I can’t forgive him. I won’t. Please…don’t ask
me to.”
“I know.” He somehow dug underneath me and wrapped me in a warm, tight embrace.
“I won’t ask you. Hoseok…he doesn’t matter. Think of Tae. Focus on Tae. We will
get him back, I promise you. And then we’ll hold on to him this time. We won’t
ever let him out of our sight again, but you have to be there too. Don’t hate
me for stopping it, okay? I won’t lose you. I can’t.”
“I can’t hate you, Appa. Don’t let me go, okay?”
He rested his full weight on me, almost smothering me. I didn’t complain, just
pulled him closer and buried my face in his neck like I had done when I was
still a kid. “Never, son. Never.”
I cried into his shoulder for a long time, clinging like hell to his shirt and
begging him to never let me go again.
Chapter End Notes
     So...the truth is completely out there. Eomma Yun, still a savage. I
     see where Yoongi gets it. I also see where Yoongi gets his patience
     and maturity. How is he such a perfect blend of both parents?
     Jungkook....hehehehehe. Choking on shoelaces for a month? How do I
     come up with this shit? xD
     So now that the players have all met, they are going to have to work
     together to get Taehyung back. But what if he doesn't want to come
     back? What if he's exactly where he wants to be? Hmmmm...guess we'll
     be finding out soon. I'm a stinker, I know.
     Meet me in the comment section.
     Up next:
     Chapter 47: Locked Up
     Jungkook takes matters into his own hands.
***** Locked Up *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook is compelled to act. Taehyung is found...so is Jungkook.
Chapter Notes
     My week so far has me like: Kids...ugh.
     So, my 12 y.o. has had a project for three weeks that's due this
     Friday. She didn't tell me until Sunday. She had to do a collage, a
     PowerPoint presentation, a brochure, a crossword puzzle, and write an
     essay all based on 'Systems of the Body'. So, I've been killing
     myself, helping her to do research and proofreading her shit. As of
     yesterday, all we have left to do is the brochure (which is really
     nothing). So, I open up this story and start editing only to have
     this bs happen at around 7 p.m.:
     Kid #3: Mama...do you have to go to the store at all?
     Me: Nah, not really. Why? You need something?
     Kid #3: A poster board for my science fair project.
     Me: Science fair? Cool beans. I'll get one the next time I go out.
     You need help figuring out what you want to do?
     Kid #3: Nope. I already know.
     Me: Okay. When's it due?
     Kid #3: The 17th.
     Me: Ah...right before Christmas break then.
     Kid #3: No, Friday.
     Me: Like this Friday?
     Kid #3: Yes ma'am.
     Me: That's too soon! Omg, Tee, when did you find out about it?
     Kid #3: In September....
     Me: Why in the hell didn't you tell me?!?!?
     Kid #3: (shrugs) I forgot?
     BRUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!
     So, I abandoned the fic and proceeded to look up info for this kid.
     Three fucking days...I only have three fucking days to help this
     child conduct experiments, put together a triptych and compile & type
     up all the research. That's in addition to the other project and
     normal homework. I do not remember school being this intense when I
     was in seventh grade, I swear.
     So, along with the voting (which I refuse to abandon) and the endless
     streaming, lets just say that I haven't been sleeping well (which is
     normal for me lol). Also, some of my favorite fics updated and I
     binged all of them in one night. In the last four days, I think I've
     gotten maybe two and a half hours of rest. I'm dying.
     Don't worry, after updating this and 'Alone Together' I'm going to
     conk the hell out. The ringers are off, the blackout curtains are
     drawn, and there is complete quiet. Hopefully, there's no scheduled
     landscaping or stupid squirrels running on the roof so that I can
     sleep peacefully. I needs my sleepses. Hehehehehe...(I think I've
     lost my mind).
     If you find any mistakes, please let me know because my eyes and mind
     are pretty much shit right now. I'm sure I've missed something.
     Please leave kudos if you like it so far and I'll see you all in the
     comments when I wake up. Later, lovelies! :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I sat there bawling my eyes out, calling out for hyung, seeing nothing but
hearing everything. I couldn’t forget the face he made right before he lost
control and leapt out of frame; it was burned into my brain. He looked feral.
He looked deranged. He looked inhuman. He looked like something that was not
Min Yoongi.
Jin and Joon clung to me, all of us listening intently as Eomma Yun counted out
loud, clearly performing CPR on Hoseok. I didn’t feel bad for him. And while it
was a shitty thought to have, I didn’t want the bastard to wake up. He deserved
it. He deserved every ounce of pain Yoongi dished out and then some. And if he
happened to pull through, if he lived, I looked forward to a lifetime of making
him suffer.
The thought crossed my mind that I never would have met Tae or Yoongi if he had
done the right thing, but that didn’t matter. It was such a horrendous thing to
do, selfishly keeping Taehyung and Yoongi apart; I had learned that the hard
way in Vegas. Life was shit until the moment I met Tae, but I would give him up
in a heartbeat if it meant that he didn’t have the endure the outright torture
he lived through. I’d fucked up more times than I could count and had even
tried to control Tae out of selfishness, but never had I done something as
hurtful as that asshole. Even if he didn’t know, even if it was unintentional,
I couldn’t forgive. I would never forgive it. I would never forget it.
His life was over. Fucking canceled.
Six fucking years…I wished I could think of something to say, something to take
away some of Yoongi’s pain. I knew he blamed himself for not being there to
save Tae in the past, so to know now that he had missed out on his only real
chance to protect him had to be eating hyung alive. That’s how I would feel if
I were in his position.
I leaned forward and did the only thing I could do…I disconnected the call.
After a morning like this one, time to recover and grieve was what he needed.
He needed privacy and space. And until we came up with a plan to get Tae back
or he called us himself, I wasn’t going to disturb him.
I looked over to Jin. “What now?”
“We need to figure out a way to get to him without tipping Uncle off. If we
could convince him that you and Yoongi are okay…”
“That’s the biggest problem,” Namjoon interrupted, addressing me. “We need a
way for him to see you both and hear the truth, that Yoongi didn’t attempt and
that you still love him. It could all be resolved in a matter of minutes.”
“I’m not so sure. You both know how stubborn he is and if he’s disconnected,
anything we say is useless anyway. Can’t you see how desperate he had to have
been to go back there? It’s like he has nothing left to lose. That scares the
shit out of me because it means he doesn’t care what happens to him.” I could
feel my own anger spiking. “If he no longer cares, there’s no telling what he
will allow that monster do to him in pursuit of forgiveness. We need a plan and
we need it now. The longer he stays there, the more danger he is in and the
harder it’ll be to get him out.”
“But we can’t just charge in there and take him back, Jungkook,” Jin argued.
“If it were that simple, don’t you think we would have done something a long
time ago? Uncle is guarded and he has the law on his side. We have to do this
smartly so that we don’t make a bad situation worse.”
“How could it possible get worse?” I asked; neither of them gave an answer.
“You know what will happen to him there, you know! I don’t care what might
happen as long as I get him out of there.”
“And that’s why you keep getting yourself into trouble. You’re too damned
impulsive!” Namjoon yelled at me. “It’s enough that we’ve lost Tae, I’m not
going to go in there half-cocked and risk losing either one of you. Then what?
What happens to Tae then?”
“I’m more concerned with what’s happening to Tae now. Are you going to help me
get him back or not?” I asked, looking back and forth between them. “Or are we
going to sit here like assholes while that bastard does things to him again?”
They looked at each other before looking back at me. I knew what they were
about to say. “Keep your stupid fucking plans to yourselves. You’re both
useless. Useless cowards.” I pushed myself off the sofa and stormed off. When I
made it to the room I usually shared with Tae, I slammed the door shut.
I childishly threw myself face-down on the bed in a huff, screaming out my
frustration into a pillow. Then my nose caught the faint whiff of
strawberries…Tae’s shampoo. He must’ve slept on it the last time we were here.
I inhaled deeply, taking in as much of the smell as my lungs could tolerate,
praying this last trace of him would be absorbed by my body. I wanted him to be
a part of me, with me always.
I laid there, sucking up his scent and crying while my chest burned, mourning
Taehyung for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. And when my heart,
mind, and body couldn’t stand the pain of losing him any longer, I drifted off
to a fretful, restless sleep.
                                     *****
Jungkook chased the red-haired apparition down a dimly-lit, never-ending
hallway. His quarry’s disembodied sobs hung in the air as he gave chase,
pumping his legs as hard as he could yet unable to catch up to the sluggish
ghost of his former lover.
Finally, the spirit stopped running and slowly spun around to face him. The
soft lighting lent a faint luminescence to his skin that could only be
described as otherworldly. It would have been a beautiful effect if it didn’t
dampen the natural golden tone of his skin, making him look sallow and corpse-
like. His eyes, however, were more beautiful than ever, sparkling spectacularly
in the darkness. Jungkook sped towards him.
“Kookie….” The voice was drenched in pain and loss; it was so grating that
Jungkook stumbled as something in his stomach lurched. He tripped over his own
foot and went sprawling.
He clutched at his abdomen. “Tae,” he grunted before picking himself up and
sprinting again. “Tae!” he screamed as he ran.
“Did I hurt you that bad? Is it that bad?”
He ignored the questions, focusing on getting closer; finally gaining ground,
he was afraid that the slightest distraction would increase the distance
between them again. After what seemed like an eternity he finally caught up to
him. There was only about a foot of space separating them; Jungkook reached
out, desperate for some sort of physical contact. When his hand swept right
through Taehyung, he fell to his knees, bawling uncontrollably. He was so close
but still totally out of reach. “Y-you…you promised. You said you wouldn’t
leave me.”
“Don’t come? Stay there?”
Jungkook felt guilty hearing his words regurgitated back at him. “It’s
not…that’s not what I wanted, even then. Come back to me.”
“Is it that bad? Did I hurt you that bad?”
“No, you didn’t! It’s not your fault…it’s my own fault. I’m stupid and I
should’ve thought about your feelings, too. Please come to me.”
“…can’t stand to see your face...” An unknown viscous, black ooze leaked from
his eyes as his gangly, pale body shook with sobs. “Don’t want to see me. Don’t
want me.” He tore at his hair, crying out in frustration. “Did I hurt you that
bad? Why?” The mystery sludge consumed his entire face, his shining eyes the
only distinguishable feature left. It spread down his neck…to his
shoulders…down his arms… “
Jungkook snatched frenziedly at the air, trying like hell to get hold of him.
“Don’t...Tae, don’t say these things. I didn’t mean any of it. Please, let me…”
The substance traveled down his chest, past his waist, to his knees. “…learn to
live without me…”
“No! I don’t want to…”
“without me…you without me?” The light in his eyes was gone now and he was
encapsulated by the quickly hardening ooze.
“NO!”
The wind whipped fiercely around them, a cyclone of sharp lashes tearing
through their clothes and hair. Jungkook shielded his eyes with an arm and
finally caught hold of something solid. The sticky substance coated his hand,
solidifying as he held on, but Jungkook didn’t let go. He pressed himself
against the statue-like, ebony form that was once his love, pulling him closer
with both hands now and pleading with him to stay. He buried his face in the
shoulder of the silent, unmoving form; eyes closed tightly, pleas now a mantra
of ‘stay’.
When the wind died down, Jungkook opened his eyes to an isolated, yet
breathtaking vista; the entire world swathed in a blanket of stars and
punctuated with a bright, full moon. There was nothing else for miles in every
direction, only the two of them and the landing they stood upon.
He and Taehyung stood together at the apex of a structure extending so high in
the heavens that if he wanted to, Jungkook could have plucked a star from the
fabric of creation and held it in his palm. He smiled thinking that Taehyung
would love to see that. He quickly sobered when he heard the thing formerly
known as his lover sniffle.”
“It’s dark...”
He peered into dull, lifeless eyes first before hugging the thing to his chest,
soothing him. “Look at the stars and moon, Tae. It’s so bright. It’s all so
bright if you just…
“…cold.”
Jungkook tightened his hold. “Don’t worry. I’ll warm you, I swear. Just hold
onto me and let me take care of it, okay? Just stay in my arms, stay with me
forever. You promised, so you can’t leave me.”
“My light…why did it leave me?” He strangled out the words. “It’s gone. He’s
gone…learn to live without me.” He took a step back and Jungkook’s arms fell
limply to his sides. He tried to step forward, but something held him back.
“Live without me…” Taehyung turned and stepped right off the platform,
plummeting towards nothingness.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Jungkook yelled, barreling through whatever had impeded his
progress before. He leapt off the platform, chasing, praying that he caught him
in time. He streamlined his body, gaining speed, momentum and distance until he
finally wrapped himself around Taehyung again as they fell. He kissed the man
he loved with as much fervor, as much love as he could muster. “Stop this. I’m
here. I’m right here! You said it, right? I’m your light. Me! Look at me,
Tae...fucking look at me!” But there was nothing where Taehyung’s eyes had
been, the last bit of him left now devoured by the black gunk.
When a small crack appeared on the apple of Taehyung’s cheek, Jungkook tried to
buff it away with his thumb. Then another appeared splitting his forehead in a
perfect half. In a panic, he begged someone be it human or deity, to spare his
love. As he begged, the fissures spread hastily and sporadically all over the
beautiful ebony body. “I love you…more than you’ll ever know. Love…”
“You idiot! I don’t want you to leave me. Please…please! Just stay, I can fix
this. I’ll fix everything.”
The statue shattered as they fell. Jungkook screamed pitifully as the body lost
all form, reduced to large chunks of black rubble before disintegrating into a
fine dust of shadow that dissipated in the air. He hugged air, shrieking in
agony.
Jungkook continued to fall, alone and wholly wrecked; wounded at the loss of
his one true love.
I’m sorry… the air whispered around him.
                                     *****
I fell out of bed with a thunderous smack, feet tangled in a blanket that
someone (likely Jin) had thrown over me. Tears were still fresh on my cheeks,
the residual feeling of losing Tae again crippling me. I pulled my knees into
my chest and had a good, long cry. The dream was all too real and having him
fall apart in my arms was worse than any generic nightmare.
All of the things I said to Taehyung the last time we spoke, dream Tae spat it
back at me. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I felt so much guilt and regret
that I hadn’t said what I really wanted to say that night. Come back. Come back
and stay with me always like you promised. Reconsider, choose me and learn to
love me the way you love him because that’s how I love you.
I intended to show him my strength and maturity and I wanted to respect his
choice because it was the right choice. I knew it, we all knew it. And I wanted
to show him that I could survive on my own but the truth was that I couldn’t. I
didn’t want to. I should have let him come. My heart told me to tell him to
come, but I ignored it in an effort to do what was best for all of us…but I
fucked up. If I had been honest, Tae could have been in bed with me right now,
cuddling and safe. Whole. Loved. Because of my stupid over-emotional bullshit,
he was caught in the clutches of the fucking devil.
I caused this, it was up to me to fix it.
I wiped my face and pulled myself into a sitting position. At some point while
I was asleep darkness fell, the moonlight shining brilliantly through the
window. It reminded me once again of the dream, of having Tae literally slip
through my fingers. I couldn’t let that happen. With every passing second,
Taehyung was getting further and further away from me and the thought was not
only maddening, but heartbreaking.
I refused to lose him. I stood and approached the door, listening carefully to
see if the other two were still awake. Hearing nothing, I opened the door as
quietly as I could manage and tiptoed down the hallway. I found them asleep on
the sofa, Joon’s head in Jin’s lap. They had to be exhausted and out of their
minds with worry over Tae. Seeing them lying there like that reinforced my
resolve to bring Tae back…tonight. They needed him as much as I did.
I left the apartment with ninja-like stealth, snatching Tae’s car keys and my
phone as I left. It took only a half an hour of speeding for me to make it to
the border of Kim Taesuk’s sprawling estate. I parked close to the tree line
and stepped out into the night. I turned off my ringer and hid my keys behind
the back tire on the passenger side; I didn’t want to make any unnecessary
noise. I pulled my hoodie low enough to cover my brow and entered the woods at
a slow jog.
A cacophony of crickets, katydids, and countless other nocturnals battered my
eardrums while I encouraged my vision to adjust to the darkness around me. To
avoid giving myself away, I would have to go through the woods on foot to get
to the mansion. I didn’t want to cross paths with any wildlife, so I had to
make sure that my eyesight was sharp. I also kept my ears trained for any
changes to the common sound of nightlife, a natural warning that something was
amiss in the woods.
The drive from the front entrance to the mansion had taken fifteen minutes the
last time I was here, by foot it took more than three times as long. But after
a lot of running and up close and personal encounter with two asshole raccoons,
I found myself breaking through the trees at a full sprint to see the dark
mansion looming ahead.
I slowed down to catch my breath and pulled out my phone. I set up a quick
group chat with Yoongi, Joon, and Jin to explain what I was doing. It was
reckless and there was a nagging thought that I wa only making things worse,
but I had to try. I couldn’t just sit around patiently without knowing if he
was okay. I couldn’t calmly wait for answers and search for solutions if there
was the slightest chance that Tae needed me.
I tucked my phone back into my pants pocket and steeled myself. There was no
telling what I would be up against in there, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be easy
to get Tae out. I needed them to know what I did in case something happened…in
case I didn’t come out of there. I crept up to the house quietly, ducking down
near the base of the stairs.
There were several entry points on the lowest level of the house, but it was
risky to take an unknown path. I didn’t know the layout that well, so if I had
to exit in a hurry it would be troublesome. My best bet was to stick with
familiarity, so I climbed the stairs and went right up to the front door.
I put covered my hand with my hoodie sleeve, lamenting that I had not thought
to bring gloves, and grabbed the handle. It seemed too easy. There was no way
Kim Taesuk was arrogant enough to still leave the door unlocked, right?
Especially not after the beatdown I gave him the last time. The mansion should
have been as heavily guarded as Fort Knox, but the handle gave easily and the
door swung silently open.
Alarm bells went off in my head. This was too fucking easy. After the fuss my
hyungs put up earlier, I expected armed guards and lasers and got damned trip
wires or traps; instead, it was empty and quiet…too quiet.
But my mind was made up. I was going to get Taehyung out of there even if it
killed me. I numbed myself to the internal peals of warning blaring in my brain
and went in.
                                     *****
I slunk through the mansion like a professional, making sure not to make a
sound or leave a trace. As I navigated my way through the lower level of the
mansion, although it was far too late for rationality, I tried to devise a
solid plan for finding Tae and getting him out. Thinking back on the stories
Tae shared with me, I figured that the most likely place to check would be the
basement.
According to Tae, the basement was reserved for extended punishments whenever
he fucked up royally; to a man like Kim Taesuk, I figured betrayal and
disobedience was something he would want to punish severely. So, I ignored the
elevator and searched for a set of stairs that would take me down a level.
Almost immediately, I found a door near the kitchens with stairs leading down.
I stepped into the space, closing the door quietly behind me and started my
descent.
The deeper I went, the brighter it got until I had to shield my eyes from the
light. Wasn’t this backwards? When I reached the bottom, there was no place to
take cover so that I could scope out the room. All I did was step out of the
stairwell and look to the left and…
How did he ever hide a room this size? It was far more spacious that the first
level of the hours, exceeding the dimensions of the house above it. Everything
was white. The walls, the ceilings, the floors, the light…all white. And there
was an annoying, consistent whirring sound that made me grit my teeth. There
was something in the middle of the room, some sort of set up.
I found myself drawn to that spot, walking slowly towards it, not even trying
to hide that I was there any longer. The closer I got, the easier it was to
make out the shape. It was a cube, a cage. It too was white. Encircling the
cage were several industrial strength air conditioning units, all pointing
towards the cage.
My heart took a nosedive into the bowels of my belly as I approached the cage.
There was someone in there…
He was almost completely still, body shuddering violently in an attempt to
generate heat. The shackle on his left foot had a very short chain, so short
that it would have been impossible for him to move around. It was attached to a
thick, metal eyebolt buried deep in the cement floor. He was completely nude, I
could see the weeping welts littering his back, upper arms, and thighs. I
walked around the cage until I could see his face, needing to be sure that this
was really happening, that it was really him in there. Even though I knew it…I
had to be sure.
Dried blood loitered beneath his left nostril and at the corner of his mouth;
his lips were a hideous violet. One hand covered the ear that wasn’t pressed to
the ground; the other he held close to his lash worn, bleeding chest, as if it
were injured. He laid there a bloody mess, trembling and muttering under his
breath.
“Tae,” I choked out. “Tae…baby?” I wanted to cry. “Tae! Can you hear me?” He
curled in on himself more and continued to mumble quietly.
I went to the nearest air conditioner and tried to figure out how to shut it
off, but there were no buttons, there was no keypad; only a digital display. I
even tried verbal commands, nothing helped. In the end, I just turned them all
away from the cage.
I hurried back to the cage. “Tae, baby. It’s me…Jungkook. I’m here to take you
home, okay? Open your eyes, please.”
He gave no reaction.
“Please, just look at me,” I pleaded. “I need to know that you hear and
understand me.”
Nothing.
I tried to fit my body between the bars. I stupidly tried to see if I could
bend them. I examined the lock to see if there was some way to pick it, but I
didn’t have any tools to do it anyway. Although I didn’t want to let him out of
my sight for a single second, I had to figure out some way to get him out of
there.
I explored the entire basement searching for something, anything, that would
let me break into the cage. My search was fruitless.
Disappointed and upset, I took a seat in Taehyung’s line of vision; his eyes
were still shut. I had no idea what I could do, but Taehyung was a certified
genius. I had to appeal to him, make him want to leave and then maybe he could
figure out a way to free himself. I needed to get him to talk to me. “Hyung,
you made me come all the way here but you won’t greet me. Since when have you
been so rude? You’re hurting my feelings.”
Nothing.
“How could you leave me just like that? I know I said a lot of things to make
you believe I was angry with you, but I promise that’s not true.
I’m upset, but only because you’re locked in there. I still love you more than
anything. I still need you more than I need air, Tae. I need you to open your
eyes and see me.”
Nothing, he just kept muttering something.
I felt like someone physically punched through my skull and squeezed the shit
out of my brain. Nothing made sense and I didn’t know what to do…either he
couldn’t hear me, or he did but ignored it. Idea after idea flooded my mind,
but nothing seemed like it would help…until I thought of him and Yoongi, that
bubble of fondness and warmth that I witnessed first-hand and would never be
able to penetrate. The smile that I had never seen, that was exclusively
reserved for just for that hyung. “I spoke with Yoongi-hyung. He’s so worried
about you. We both are because we love you so much. He’s okay, you know. He
didn’t try to hurt himself; he kept his promise.”
Nothing.
“He loves you so much, Tae. You have no idea.” I pulled out my phone, noticing
several missed calls from all three of my hyungs. Right now, Tae took
precedence. I dialed Yoongi and put the phone on speaker; he answered
immediately.
“You crazy fucker!” he scolded. “Kid, you had better not be in trouble. I swear
after the day I’ve had, if I get there and I have to save your ass I’m going to
kick your ass. I’ll still save it, but I’m going to kick it right afterwards.
How would Tae react to you putting yourself in danger like this? You should
have waited for me so that we could go together.”
Tae went silent.
I celebrated the small triumph silently, not wanting to scare him. “Hyung, I
found him. I’m with Tae right now.”
His tone changed so rapidly it gave me whiplash. “Where? Where is he? Where did
you find him? Is he okay? Is he hurt?” Worry coated his every word. “Jeon
Jungkook, answer me!
“He’s…it’s what we expected. I found him in the basement of the mansion. He’s
in the cage again and I can’t get him out. The sooner I get him out of there
the better. He’s really hurt, badly really. I’m trying to get him to
acknowledge that I’m here but he won’t listen to me. I need your help, hyung.”
“Can he hear me?”
“You’re on speaker. He won’t open his eyes and his ears are covered. He was
saying something under his breath at first, but once you started speaking he
stopped.”
“Ah, then he’s trying to ignore you. Taehyungie, if you can hear me open your
eyes.” I expected him to open his eyes right away since it was his precious
Yoongi-hyung, but he gave us nothing.
“No change. He’s just lying there, hyung.”
“Yah, Min Taehyung...hubby…are you already being disobedient? Aish, our
marriage will be a difficult one if you won’t listen to me. Or am I being too
demanding, love? Will you please open your pretty eyes for hyung? Please?”
His pretty, playful words were laced with tension and concern, but no less
cheesy. I frowned at the phone. “Ew, hyung. Can’t you save that stuff for when
you two are alone?”
It took a few seconds, but finally one eye opened fully and the other to a
slit; it was swollen shut. His chocolate orbs swam in a sea of unshed tears as
looked at me. “My Yogi? Jungkookie?”
“Yes!” I sighed, relieved just to hear him say my name. Yoongi let out a shrill
celebratory whoop. “It’s me and Yoongi-hyung. We’re here to take you home.”
He shook his head. “I made you cry,” he forced out, his dam of tears
overflowing. “You can’t stand to see my face?” He covered his face with his
hands. “And Yoongi-hyung…I hurt him too. I hurt everybody and I’m sorry. It’s
all my fault…everything…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” He repeated it over and
over again.
“You didn’t hurt me, Tae,” Yoongi spoke up. “Jung Hoseok fed you a bunch of
bullshit just to separate us. Shouldn’t you trust your husband more than this?”
I nodded. “You should trust your best friend more too. Why didn’t you just tell
me what happened? I only told you to stay away because I was too focused on my
own heartache to recognize yours. The only reason I didn’t want to see you is
because I still love you like crazy. I want to be with you. So plz, let’s get
out of here. Let’s leave together, hyung, okay?” He ignored me, covering his
ear and closing his eyes tightly. He was gone again. “Fuck…hyung it didn’t
work. I think we lost him again. “He’s back in the state I found him in.”
“Shit. What are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to have to break into the cage somehow…I’m not leaving without him.”
“I…I understand. Just be careful, okay. You really should have waited until I
got there.”
“I couldn’t. I just…”
“I know," he cut me off. "I would have done the same. Be safe and watch your
back. I have six hours left on this flight, so I’ll see you both soon.” He said
it as if he had no doubt that Tae and I would be there to greet him when he
landed. His confidence in me gave me the boost I so desperately needed. “Please
look after him until I can do it myself, Jungkook.”
“I will. You can trust me, hyung.”
“I don’t want to hang up…” he complained. “Can he still hear me?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Tae,” he called out. “I won’t make you wait too much longer, love. I’m on my
way to you, okay? Just a bit more patience and we’ll be together again. I love
you, Tae. I love you so much. You promised me you would fight when it was
necessary…” Tae was quiet again. “baby, it’s time. I need you to fight until I
can get there and fight for you. Can you do that? For me, for hyung, please
fight until I can get to you. Help Jungkook and get out of there. I’m counting
on you; I believe in you.”
“I think he heard you.”
“I hope so. Fuck…please be careful, dumbass. Hurry up and get out of there.
Keep him safe for me.”
“Didn’t know you cared so much, hyung,” I grimaced. “But I’ll do my best.” And
I hung up on him.
“You…you’re really there?” Dead eyes met mine. “Jeon Jungkook-ah?”
“It’s really me. I’ve come for you, Tae. I’m going to get you out.”
“Why? This…I’m home. This is home.”
“This isn’t your home. With me, Joon and Jin...with Yoongi, that's home. You
belong with us.”
“Leave me, please. I can’t…I need to stay here.”
My mouth fell open. “No,” I shook my head angrily. “I can’t leave you here.
Look what he’s done to you!”
“He's helping me, Kookie. I needed it…needed this. I asked for this. I have to
be punished for what I did.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Hyung, there’s nothing you could do to
deserve this. What have you done to warrant this?”
“I loved you and I made you love me.”
“And your love saved me. Kim Taehyung, you’re the best thing that ever happened
to me.”
“Then why did I make you cry? Why did I make you want to die? Why did I make
you do so many bad things? I keep hurting you, Kookie.” He started to cry. “I
don’t want to, but I keep hurting you. I’m tired…I’m so tired. I have to stay
away, it’s the only way to make you happy.”
I stood angrily. “The only thing that will make me happy is getting you the
fuck out of here. I don’t want to live another day without you by my side. I
know now that I’ll take you however I can get you. Even if you don’t love me
the same way, I won’t let go. I promised you always, Tae. I’m not backing out
on you. I won’t break our vows ever again. I love you too much.”
I frantically searched the basement again, turning up nothing that could help
me free him. I had to leave him again. It was the only way.
There had to be a key somewhere, most likely somewhere close to Kim Taesuk.
That would be my last resort though…I needed tools. Maybe the staff had some
tools laying around somewhere that could help me break in. I didn’t want to
take my eyes off him, but I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to save him. There
was no way in hell I could ever leave him behind.
My insides twisted into knots upon realizing what I had to do.
“Taehyung…hyung…I’ll be right back.”
“Don’t…I don’t want you to come back.”
“Well, we don’t always get what we want, do we?” I snapped. His eyes went wide,
stupid fucking me, before he started sobbing loudly. He covered his ears again
and just laid there crying his eyes out. “I’m sorry, Tae. Baby, don’t cry.” But
he wasn’t listening to me anymore.
Hesitantly, I backed away from the cage. I couldn’t do anything to console him
while we were separated by that stupid fucking cage. So, I left him there even
though it killed me to do so. I left my heart there with him.
I took the stairs two at a time and stepped out onto the main floor. Instantly,
I felt like something was wrong. Something was out of place. I couldn’t put my
finger on it, but those damned alarm bells were clanging like crazy in my head,
so much so that I pressed myself against a wall to think things through.
What was wrong? I mentally retraced my steps, painstakingly going over every
detail of my time in the Kim mansion. It took some time, but when I figured it
out I knew I was in trouble. The fucking door…the one leading to the basement.
I’d closed it before I went down but when I came up, it was already wide open.
The bastard knew I was here. He had probably watched my progress throughout his
home on the surveillance system that I had completely disregarded. I had
forgotten that the only times the system shut down was during the fucker’s
‘sessions’ with Tae.
I abandoned stealth completely and made a mad dash for the front door. I was so
fucking close when I felt two stings as something pierced back of my thigh. My
body bucked involuntarily and I fell to the floor as obscene amounts of
electricity rendered me a helpless mess. I heard a lot of voices all at once…I
laid there hopeless and defenseless.
I faced an onslaught of fists and feet, unable to block or brace myself. As
blow after blow rained down on my face and body, the last thought I had was,
“At least I got to see him once more.” I welcomed the darkness.
Chapter End Notes
     Is it utter shit? Ah, I did my best so I'm happy with the results.
     But I'll be even happier if you like it too. I do feel like it could
     be more detailed, so I'll do a bit of explaining here instead.
     Aish, our Jungkookie, what will we do with him? He feels so guilty
     about his last conversation with Taehyung, right? I have to say that
     I agreed with him when he argued with Jin and Namjoon. I feel like
     they are too passive. I get the importance of having a plan, but damn
     it they know what's going to happen if Tae stays there. There's no
     way I would be able to just sit and wait knowing that the person I
     loved was in danger. Maybe if they had worked together, the night
     would have ended differently. Ijs...
     That nightmare scene wasn't really that nightmarish, right? Think
     about, Jungkook's whole life has been hell already, there's not much
     he's scared of. I wanted to relay that losing Tae was his biggest
     fear...did it translate well? Hmmmm...I don't know. Taylor told me
     that it was the saddest when the cracks appeared, but what got me was
     that Tae kept repeating Jungkook's last words to him (Chapter 44). He
     won't let go of his guilt, and that was the saddest thing to me,
     along with the light dying in Tae's eyes.
     I wanted it to be intense and scary at first, but since JK isn't
     afraid of much I just wanted it to be gloomy and sad. Hope it worked.
     Lastly...Tae. Did you realize that he was experiencing three distinct
     and separate forms of mental torture all at once in addition to being
     caged and shackled? I bet you didn't, hehehe. Sensory deprivation,
     noise, and extreme cold all at once. After being beaten, he was
     thrown straight into mental torture. It's been almost twenty four
     hours and this is what he's been going through the whole time. That's
     why he didn't believe he was speaking with Jungkook and Yoongi at
     first and kept his eyes closed so tightly, despite interacting with
     them. He's been seeing them and talking to them the whole time.
     Scary, right? How many of you caught that?
     Take comfort in the fact that Tae was listening. He heard everything.
     Will it help anything? You won't know until later my loves. ;)
     Next update:
     Chapter 48 - I'm Not My Brother's Keeper
     Jungkook gets a visit from people he doesn't want to see. (Hello,
     Jimin & Bogum)
***** I'm Not My Brother's Keeper *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook is reunited with his brothers. Jungkook seeks help from an
     outside source.
Chapter Notes
     Early Happy Thanksgiving!
     Hello my lovelies! I just got home from a party with my fellow nerds,
     hehehehe. I have so many different interests, comic books being a
     major one. Issue #1 of DC's Doomsday Clock went on sale tonight at
     midnight, so of course I went to stand in line to be the first to get
     one; a hologram of Rorschach from 'Watchmen' was the cover and he is
     one of my favorite anti-heroes ever, so I had to get it.
     There was like thirty of us and everyone who showed up just hung
     around in the comic book store after making their purchases, chatting
     and getting to know each other. I actually talked to people in real
     life! I can't believe it, lol. But I got real shy when buying my book
     because the clerk asked if I needed a bag. I got all tongue-tied and
     ended up blushing terribly. He just smiled at me though, which made
     me even more nervous, so I just grabbed my book and ran away
     hehehehe. But it was lots of fun.
     But I'm home now. I gave this chapter a quick look over and just
     uploaded as is. If you see any mistakes, let me know and I'll correct
     it. I hope you enjoy it. Not much happens though, just a lot of
     dialogue.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I pried my eyes open in irritation; I wanted to put a foot through whatever it
was that produced that unrelenting, irritating ‘beep’. It was an infuriating
accompaniment to the horrendous ringing in my head and ears. I felt like shit,
literal shit. No really, shit. Think of that bag of shit that someone set on
fire and threw on someone’s porch before ringing the doorbell and taking
off…that bag after it was stomped to hell by whomever answered the door while
they wore steel-toed boots, a size 24 to be exact…yeah, that perfectly summed
up how I felt. I was that stomped and burnt bag of shit.
I looked around, my field of vision limited because I couldn’t move without
unadulterated pain, both sharp and dull, seizing my entire body and freezing me
in place. I wondered where I was for about a millisecond, taking in the
nondescript room, the bedrails, and the machine immediately to my right making
all the noise. I couldn’t make head nor tails of it until I felt the needle in
my arm...and then everything made sense. A fucking hospital.
I had to get out. I hated places like this. The nurses who wouldn’t give you a
moment’s rest and the asshole doctors who didn’t acknowledge your existence as
a human being unless you had coverage; the smell of disinfectant-laced sickness
and the agonizing sounds of someone’s life force slowly slipping away through
measured, almost musical beeps…I hated all of it.
People cried here. People suffered here. People died here…
I pushed that depressing thought away, buried any arising feelings related to
it, and focused on getting my left arm across my chest so that I could pull
that fucking needle out of my arm so I could get the hell out of there.
I was successful at removing the intrusion, a rush of familiar elation and
excitement erupted when I slowly pulled it from my arm. Then I yanked the itchy
leads from my chest and back, putting an end to the incessant and irritating
beeps. But another annoying sound rang out; I surmised it was some kind of
alarm for the nurses. I moved to cover my ears, but my right arm wouldn’t move.
I pressed my chin to my chest, trying to see what was going on, and saw a gleam
of metal encircling my wrist; it’s twin was hooked onto the bedrail. Handcuffs.
I did not like being chained to the bed; shackled and held against my will.
Another weird feeling of déjà vu arose at that thought and an irking notion
that I was not supposed to be here set upon me.
I jiggled the cuffs, seeing if it would give at all…nothing.
I was in the middle of figuring out why I was here when I remembered
everything.
Taehyung…I left him there.
I bolted up, grimacing while ignoring the rush of aches and stings. I forced
myself to go completely numb, using all of my strength to try to break that
fucking guardrail off the side of the bed.
I couldn’t believe I let myself get caught and left him behind. I had to get to
him. I had to save him.
All of my efforts were fruitless, so I did the next best thing. I yelled and
cursed at the top of my lungs, leaning on the panic button tugging at the cuffs
as my voiced rebounded off the walls and flooded the hallway. I didn’t care
what I had to do to get out of there, but there was no way I was staying here
while my love was suffering.
I heard hastened footsteps thundering down the hallway, growing louder and
louder by the second…good, people were on the way. I would get this mess
straightened out and then I was headed right back for the mansion. Back to Tae.
I didn’t stop the ruckus, not even when a slew of nurses with a crash cart, a
doctor, two obvious policemen, and my brothers…
Everything stopped. The chatter of hospital personnel, the questions from the
cops, the noise from that loathsome death alarm, and my screams. When I saw
those fuckers, everything stopped. The tension in the air was so thick that the
doctor and two nurses immediately left upon seeing that I wasn’t dying. The
other two nurses, the brave ones, came over to check me out.
I staunchly refused the IV, not wanting a needle anywhere near my body again. I
told them that I didn't want any more pain medication either. Lastly, I
answered their questions and politely apologized for any trouble I caused,
throwing in an extra dose of cuteness to get them on my side. It worked, the
nurses smiling as they left; one even gave my hand a consoling squeeze before
she left. Jimin rolled his eyes at that.
The cops corralled the frazzled nurses and herded them out of the room.
“Ever the drama queen.” Jimin stood in the doorway, casually leaning against
the frame, while Bogum found the nearest chair and flounced into it. “Haven’t
you caused enough trouble already, you spoiled brat? You have gall to make a
ruckus in a place where people are sick and recovering, to impede their healing
with your whiny, loud, childish antics. I see clearly that you haven’t changed
during our time apart, little brother.”
“Don’t call me that. You and I aren’t family, Park Jimin.”
“We aren’t?” He and Bogum exchanged amused looks while the officers observed.
“You can deny it all you want but biology says something different.”
“Your father says something different,” I spat back.
“Our father is a great man and he can do a lot of things…” Bogum interjected,
“…but he can’t alter DNA. He can’t change blood. It’s time to come home, Mojo.”
My entire body tensed at hearing that name. They both smiled, trying to provoke
me to do something reckless; I recognized their tactics easily since I had so
much experience with them trying to fuck up my life. “My name is Jeon
Jungkook,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Hit a nerve?” Bogum asked.
“Not really,” I said dismissively. “It’s just childish and annoying.”
“Well, la-di-fucking-da…is he trying to put himself above us, brother?” Jimin
said, his angelic face glowing with delight. “I wonder what father would say if
he saw our little brother acting so high and mighty. I wonder what he would do
to our little Mojopum.” He smiled mischievously at me. “What do you think he
would do, Mojo, seeing you act as if you’re better than we are? What would he
do to the mutt?”
I bit my tongue and turned my attention to the policemen instead. My
relationship with law enforcement was almost as strained as the one with my
former family. However, desperate times called for desperate measures and Tae
was counting on me to pull through. “Officers, I would like to report a crime.”
They both looked at me skeptically before sharing a knowing look. “I really
need to speak with you,” I looked at my brothers who were watching with obvious
interest. “Privately,” I specified.
“You two,” the shorter of the two policemen pointed at Jimin and Bogum. “Out.”
“But sir,” Jimin straightened, his polite and proper act in full swing, “we
were asked to come here because…”
“I’m well-aware of the issue and why you’re here, but you are not needed at
this moment. Step outside please. We’ll call you back in when you are needed.”
He bit the inside of his cheek, a sure sign that he was throwing an internal
fit…the brat. “Yes, sir.” He turned to me, the asshole. “Don’t worry, we’ll be
right outside, Park Mojopum.” Jimin offered a wide, though no less phony smile
while Bogum guffawed. I just clenched my fist and let the insult roll of my
back. They weren’t worth the trouble; right now, my focus was on Tae and
getting him the hell out of that mansion.
When they were gone, the other officer stepped outside to guard the door while
short cop grabbed a chair and pulled it nearer to the bed before taking a seat.
He had one of those blank faces that gave nothing away. His pecan brown skin
was unlined and clear; I couldn’t even tell how old he was. His lips were set
in a stern line, eyes devoid of any emotion…he looked more like a soldier than
a cop. “Detective Griffin.” He extended a hand for me to shake, I stared at him
like he was nuts until he finally withdrew it. “You have your privacy. But
before you start I need to make you aware of a few things.”
I held up the arm that was fastened to the rail. “It’s not like I’m going
anywhere. Say what you have to say, and say it quickly. Someone I love is in
danger and I don’t have time to waste on bullshit.”
He nodded. “Let me just say, I’ve never seen orders come down so swiftly and
judgement so harshly. The pending charges against you are as follows: breaking
and entering, attempted burglary, criminal harassment, and stalking. We’ve also
been informed that there is a high risk of escape, hence the handcuffs and the
ankle monitor.”
My eyes went wide. “What?!?” I yanked back the covers and there it was strapped
to my ankle, indicator light illuminated. There was no way I would be able to
go back into the mansion undetected. “Have I been out long enough for them to
do all of this? I don’t understand what’s happening.”
“To be honest kid, I don’t either. All I know is that the charges came down
faster than anything I’ve ever seen. There’s also a restraining order in the
works. You’re not even allowed a phone call.”
“It’s Kim Taesuk and his fucking connections again, right?” He didn’t respond.
“Aish, this is such bullshit. Of course, the law favors the wealthy. The
bastard is going to get away with it again.” It was true. Nobody gave a shit
about what happened to Taehyung as long as the right palms got greased. “That
crime I spoke of…”
“Wait. Kid, I don’t think you should say anything at all. This whole thing
seems fishy to me too and I advise you to get a lawyer before you say anything
else.” He pulled out a small recorder. “Once this recorder starts, everything
on it is admissible in court. If I were you, I’d think carefully about my next
step before giving up a confession.”
“Confession? No, I haven’t done anything…well, I did go into the Kim mansion
uninvited, but the door was unlocked. It’s always unlocked. And I wasn’t going
in there to do anything but find my friend.”
“Shit kid. Even if that’s the case, it’s still criminal trespassing and you
just admitted guilt.” He sat the recorder on the bed and pinched the bridge of
his nose. “I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear that and I’m insisting that
you get some form of legal representation down here before we continue this.
It’s illegal for them to deny you the right to counsel anyway. Is there anyone
I can call for you?”
“Yes, my real hyungs. Not those two assholes out there. Kim Namjoon, Kim
Seokjin, or Min Yoongi. Either one of them would be fine.” He pulled out a pen
and pad and let me write down the info. “They can handle the lawyer stuff, but
that’s not what is important. I need to get a message to them that I’m okay and
that I saw Taehyung. They need to know that he needs help and that he’s still
down there in the basement. They’ll know what to do.”
“Can you tell me what the hell is going on here?”
“I don’t see the point. You can’t help me and you can’t help Tae. Just get that
message to my hyungs.”
“What can they do that I can’t? I’m law enforcement.”
“Exactly. There’s nothing you can do.”
He stared at me knowingly. “Within the law, you mean?” I didn’t answer him
because I thought it was obvious enough. “Look, I’m not getting anything to
anybody until you tell me what’s going on. How did a kid like you manage to
piss off so many powerful people that they would go this far?” he pleaded. “You
don’t have to tell me everything, just something so that I’ll understand what’s
happening. I may even be able to help. But I can’t do anything if you don’t
open up.” He picked up the recorder and took the batteries out. “Whatever you
say to me stays between us, unless I feel like there’s something I can do to
help.”
“My past run-ins with cops don’t exactly inspire me to trust you. I’m just
supposed to take you at your word?”
“That’s all I have. Oh…” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a handcuff key,
and set me free. “I trust you enough to do that.”
“Big fuckin’ deal. I have on an ankle monitor and I can’t do much damage to you
in the condition I’m in.”
He shrugged. “What else can I do? Should I hand over my gun?”
I rolled my eyes. I didn’t trust cops, period. But so far, the guy hadn’t given
me any reason to distrust him. He even went so far as to ignore me admitting to
a crime. Telling him the most important bits wouldn’t do any damage, so I
resigned to cooperation. “Fine, whatever. I’ll tell you only what’s necessary,
but you have to give me your word that you’ll call my hyungs as soon as we’re
done.” He nodded seriously.
“Okay. Like I said, I went into the Kim mansion, but I had a really good
reason. My best friend, Kim Taehyung…or should I say Taehyung Kim? That doesn’t
matter, he’s being badly abused by his grandfather, Kim Taesuk. The only reason
I went in there was to save him.”
“We’re getting a different story from Mr. Kim and his security staff. They said
that you have been stalking the grandson and that you broke into the house with
intentions to do him harm.”
“That’s a lie! Tae and I are best friends. We even live together. I’m…I love
him. I’m in love with him. I could never hurt him…”and the memories from the
last week played through my head. “…not intentionally, at least. They’re
lying.”
“But they’ve submitted evidence to support their claims…the CCTV footage of you
sneaking through the house.”
“Did you see any footage from the basement? Or from when I was tasered and
jumped by four or five security guards?”
“You were a trespasser in a private residence, they had a justifiable right to
defend. Do you have any evidence to back up your claims? Something more
concrete.”
I frowned. “No. But there are others who know what’s going on, those hyungs I
mentioned. I’m the only one who ever witnessed it as it happened, but his
cousins, Namjoon and Seokjin, have been taking care of him for years now. They
patch him up and nurse him back to health after every altercation. They even
called the police anonymously to report it, but Kim Taesuk used his connections
to get off. And Tae’s too scared to go to hospitals because his grandfather
threatened him with worse if he’s found out. That’s why there’s no record of
the abuse. But it’s been going on for ten years now; I’ve seen the scars.”
“It all sounds a little too convenient, doesn’t it? You get in trouble and
suddenly you try to put the blame on the victim. How do I know that’s not the
case? Mr. Kim is an upstanding citizen. He hasn’t ever been in any trouble,
illegal or otherwise that I can recall.”
“Upstanding citizen my ass. That just means he’s good at hiding who he truly
is.”
“He’s a bit austere, but he doesn’t seem the type to do something like you’re
suggesting.”
“Psychopaths aren’t relegated to one type. The fact that he blends so well into
society just makes me believe he’s even crazier than what I’ve seen.”
“And what exactly did you see?”
“It was a while ago, but let’s just say what I saw was enough to make me go
into the Kim mansion despite the danger to get my friend out of there. He’s
still there, locked in the basement. In a cage…”
His eyes bugged out of his head. “That’s…you realize that what you’re
suggesting is a little farfetched.”
I crossed my arms. “What reason would I have to make something like this up?”
“To save yourself?” he asked.
“Look at me…” I gestured at my wealth of injuries and scars. “Does it look like
I’m trying to save myself? I don’t give a damn what happens to me. I’ll confess
to anything, I’ll sign whatever you want if you go and get Taehyung out of
there. He’s all that matters, getting him out of that place is the only thing
that matters,” I said with the utmost sincerity.
“What if I don’t believe anything you said?”
“I could give two shits whether you believe me or not, I didn’t expect you to
anyway. Just call my hyungs. You gave me your word on that.”
“I’ll call them as soon as we’re done. I promise. But we have one last thing to
discuss.”
“Hurry up and spit it out. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but the longer
you take the more Taehyung suffers.”
“Ok. Point blank, you’ve been placed on house arrest.”
That didn’t sound much like a punishment to me. “I don’t care.”
“Your brothers…they’re here to take you home.”
“Why?” I asked, still not understanding why it was a big deal. “I haven’t seen
them in four years. We don’t have a relationship at all. They don’t even know
where I live. But as long as I get to go home, it doesn’t matter how I get
there.”
“Actually, you’ve been remanded to your family’s home. They’re responsible for
you once you leave here and you’re not allowed to leave the Park residence
except for court visits.”
I thought of my former family…of my father, who was probably waiting on pins
and needles for his punching bag to return. “Are you fucking kidding me? I
can’t go back there! Who in the hell decided that?”
“Some judge, but there’s nothing you can do about it.” He grimaced. “If you
don’t mind my asking, what was all of that about earlier? Those two, the way
they talked to you; I thought you guys were family.”
“Long story short, their dad had an affair with my mom. We’re half-siblings and
they hate me. No matter what kind of act they put on, they’re absolute monsters
and they’ve made my life a living hell. I don’t how they got involved in this,
probably Kim Taesuk again.”
“Another thing…they called you by a different name, but you were checked in as
Jungkook Jeon.”
“It’s what they called me when I was little, when I still cared about being a
member of their family. Park is their surname and I really wanted to have it.
And Mojopum is Korean for fake or imitation. The name is to remind me that I’m
not a real Park. Little do they know, a Park is the last thing I want to be. It
annoys me, but not for the reason they think.”
“Oh…shit, son. That’s kind of mean.”
I shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t expect anything less than that from them.
That whole family is a cancer on society, but I’m grateful to them. Putting me
out of their home and disowning me was the greatest gift they ever gave me.” He
looked on thoughtfully. “But enough about that, there’s a more pressing matter.
I’ve told you all you needed to know. I’ve cooperated and wasted a lot of time.
When I last saw Taehyung, he was injured, bleeding badly, and being tortured.
Please, contact my hyungs.”
“Sure thing, kid.” He walked over to the door and opened it, waving my asshole
brothers and his partner inside. Then he pulled out his phone and dialed a
number from the notepad; I let out a sigh of relief when I heard him whispering
hurriedly to whomever he’d contacted. His partner hovered near him, listening
to the conversation. There was still a chance to save Tae.
I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes, folding my arm over face to shield
them from the light. I had a headache; my whole body ached. I was exhausted and
stressed beyond measure. What I needed, what I wanted was a nice long cry.
Preferably in Taehyung’s arms. Too much happened in such a brief time and I was
overwhelmed. So many emotions ran through me all at once and it was too much…I
wanted him to hold me until I felt better; to sing to me until I fell asleep. I
just wanted him.
I could feel tears leaking down my cheeks; I let them fall.
“Is he crying?” an amused Bogum’s voice came from right above me. “Those are
tears, right?”
“Ugh, he’s so fucking weak. Always has been. It’s times like this that I wish I
could erase him from our family. He’s such a pain.” Jimin chimed in from
nearby. “Aw…is our little Mojo in his feelings again?”
I ignored the both of them as they taunted me and laughed quietly. One of the
bastards, maybe both of them, took turns poking and prodding me; I didn’t
react, even when they targeted a bruised area. I didn’t care. There was nothing
either of them could do or say that would hurt me. All I cared about was
getting Tae to safety. I tuned them out. There was only silence.
Later, I felt a warm hand on my arm. “Hey, kid.” I opened my eyes hesitantly to
Detective Griffin leaning over me. “I hope you don’t mind, but my partner and I
have decided to stick around for a while. I was able to reach Namjoon, the
other two were with him. They’re on the way here first.”
“Shit! I thought they would go straight there.”
“Actually, one of them, Yoongi I think, put up a fight…” of course he did, he
wouldn’t be Yoongi if he didn’t. “But I convinced him to come.” I nodded. “Get
some rest if you can.”
“Honestly, I don’t think I can sleep right now.”
“Try. While we’re here at least…” he looked over his shoulder towards my
brothers who were seated, scowling, while his partner towered over them. “I
think it’ll be the last peaceful rest you get for a while…until we figure all
of this out.”
“I’ll try. Thanks, Detective.” So I did. I was out less than a minute later.
                                     *****
A flash of light brought me back to consciousness. I felt even worse than
before I rested; I was too exhausted, too pained to open my eyes. I heard lots
of murmurs and whispers; voices all talking at once. I tried to zero in on each
voice to determine who was here. When I heard, “I’m going to murder the little
fuck for going in alone all hero mode and almost getting himself killed. Tae is
going to be pissed when he sees his face…” I opened my eyes and sought him out.
It took time for my eyes to adjust to the brightness in the room; I saw little
more than human-size shadows and blurs. The blur that was closest to me was
moving away, getting smaller. “Yoongi-hyung?” I rasped. “Hyung?”
Three of the shapes rushed over to my side. I closed my eyes to let them rest
from the blinding fluorescent lights. Both of my hands were grabbed and
squeezed, while another hand brushed my hair out of my face. I open my eyes to
see Jin, Joon, and Yoongi standing over me. I managed a smile, even though my
jaw felt like it would disintegrate from the effort.
“Hey, brat.” Yoongi glowered down at me. I could tell he was very angry, though
I couldn’t tell if it was directed towards me or the situation. "I would say
you look like shit, but that would be a compliment compared to how you really
look. What the fuck happened?”
“Kim Taesuk and his security team. It had to be five, maybe six of those
bastards who jumped me as I tried to get out.”
“Five or six? You remember what they look like?” Yoongi asked. “Could you point
them out if you had to?”
“Nah. They tasered me from behind and then jumped me while I was down. It all
happened so fast and I passed out soon after it started. One too many blows to
the head I guess.”
“It had to be a blow to your head to make you go there without telling us
first,” Jin chastised. “What in the hell were you thinking? It could’ve been so
much worse than them beating you up and calling the police. You know that,
right? You know he could have made you disappear permanently! And what would we
tell Tae then?” For the first time, I felt guilty for what I’d done. “You know
how much he loves you. Seeing you hurt like this is enough to kill him, how do
you think he would react upon finding out you were gone forever?”
Namjoon came around to the other side where Jin stood and put an arm around his
shoulder. “Calm down, Jin. I’m sure he gets it now.” He patted him comfortingly
while glaring at me. “You idiot. Didn’t I warn you not to do anything
impulsive? Look at the mess you’ve caused! We’ve found you a lawyer, but for
now you have to follow the orders set forth by the judge. You’re going to have
to go back to your family home…at least, until we can find a way to get these
charges dropped or the judgments amended.”
“Stop giving the kid such a hard time,” Yoongi jumped in. He half-smiled, half-
scowled. “You did good, brat. You should’ve waited for me, but at least you
found him. You did the hardest part and you risked your life to do it. I’m
proud of you.” He pointed at the other two. “This is all your fault…the both of
you. You’re too fucking passive and you just let things happen. If you would’ve
had his back, or even did a better fucking job watching out for him, none of
this shit would’ve happen. Stop blaming him because you two are too pussy to
take action when it’s necessary.”
“Forgive me for trying to keep my family intact,” Namjoon countered.
“Who in the hell wants to belong to a family that would treat one of their
members the way yours treats Tae? No one, absolutely no one has the balls to
stand up for him and it’s fucking pathetic. It’s sad and it’s cowardly,” Yoongi
declared. If it weren’t such a volatile situation, I would have applauded. It’s
the same thing I had been saying for a while now, and I was so glad that
someone finally saw it the same way I did. “Detective Griffin, could you join
us for a moment?”
A few seconds later and the detective was standing next to Yoongi. “Hey kid.
Did you get some rest?”
“A little. I feel worse than I felt before.”
“If you need pain meds, I can hit the call button…” he offered.
“No, I’m fine. I can handle it. But thanks, sir.” I smiled at him. He was
okay…for a cop. “So, what’s up?”
“Here’s how it’s going to go. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee over there are going
to stay here with you until you get discharged.” The Kim cousins shot daggers
at Yoongi with their eyes. “Meanwhile, Robocop and I,” Detective Griffin rolled
his eyes, “have a plan to get Tae out of the mansion.”
“What’s the plan?”
“None of your fucking business. You concentrate on healing and following every
fucking instruction you are given. I know you’re going to be in the house with
those people…don’t let them irk you to the point that you do something stupid.
I’m going to need you to keep your cool until we can work everything out. Do
you understand?”
“Got it,” I mumbled. I didn’t like being left out of the loop. It was unfair! I
was the one who found Tae, I was the one who was willing to sacrifice myself to
save him…how could they leave me out of it?
“No, don’t give me that half-assed answer Jungkook. I mean it. I’m proud of you
for doing what you did, I appreciate how far you’re willing to go for Tae. But,
Kim Taesuk is a powerful man and he’s trying like hell to make you see the
inside of a prison. Don’t do anything to help him get what he wants, okay?” He
put a hand on my shoulder. “Keep a cool head and be patient. You have us to
fight for you now, okay? Remember, you’re a part of my family. There’s no way
I’m going to let them take you without putting up a fight. Just let hyung
handle it, okay?” He ruffled my hair playfully. “Hyung will fix everything.”
I felt so cared for; it was a warm feeling that sunk deep down into my bones.
Namjoon and Seokjin loved me, but there were limits to what that love entailed.
They didn’t love me enough to come with me inside the Kim mansion. They didn’t
love me enough to stand with me against their family to support Taehyung. But
here was Yoongi, willing to go down fighting with me, for me, with little to no
regard for himself. He didn’t know me well, and he didn’t love me, but he cared
for me more than any other person I knew…besides Tae. It was an amazing
feeling.
I nodded. “Okay, hyung. I promise, I won’t cause any more trouble.”
“Good. Because all it takes is one phone call and Eomma would be on her way.”
I gulped. “You would really sic her on me, hyung?’
“If that’s what it took to keep you in line. Speaking of Eomma, you need to
call her. She wants to hear your voice so she knows you’re okay. Appa too. They
stayed behind to look after that bastard…” he pushed his bangs back angrily,
“but they’ll be joining us in a few days.”
“I’m not allowed to make phone calls.”
“But Namjoon and Seokjin are. If they happen to be standing by your bed while
the phone is on speaker…”
“Okay, okay. I get it.”
“Good. Now I have to take the good detectives with me to work out a few things.
I’ll be back. Be good, damn it.” He ruffled my hair again.
“I will, hyung. I promise.” He nodded and Detective Griffin gave a small wave
before they both walked away.
Yoongi paused in front of my brothers. “I’ve heard of you two. I don’t know
your names, they weren’t important enough to remember, after all…” Jimin looked
like he wanted to punch Yoongi; I kind of wanted him to do it just so I could
see him learn a very valuable lesson. “…but I know of your history with our
dear Jungkook over there.” He pointed at me. “I took pictures of him. I saw his
chart and memorized his injuries. If I find anything different, a bruise that
wasn’t there before or a pain that shouldn’t exist…if there’s a single hair out
of place on his head…if he breaks a fingernail or gets a fucking headache…if he
sneezes too hard…if he gets constipated or his blood sugar is too low, I’m
going to rip his fucking tongue out, “he pointed at Bogum, “through his ass and
feed it to you,” he finished pointing at Jimin. “You see boys, you’ve gotten
away with a lot these past 22 years…it all stops today. You can choose to not
believe me, test me if you want to. But you can ask Jungkook himself because he
learned the hard way too, I don’t say shit just for kicks and giggles. I don’t
make idle threats. I will do exactly what I said I would do.” And he smiled
that special Yoongi smile that sent shivers down my spine even though it wasn’t
meant for me. Thank goodness he and I were on the same side; I wouldn’t want to
go up against him.
A livid Jimin stood, tiny fists balled at his sides. “You think you can just
threaten me? Especially when there are two police officers here? Who do you
think you are?”
“Detective Griffin, Detective Walker…did you hear a threat?” Both detectives
looked at each other and shrugged. Jimin’s mouth fell open comically and if I
could have done so without hurting myself, I would’ve laughed my ass off. I
watched him resume his seat, quietly stewing in his anger. “Well, I guess you
have your answer. Like I said, test me if you want to.” He turned back to wink
at me; I could only shake my head in disbelief. He waved at Jin and Joon. “Take
care of him, please.” And then he and the detectives were gone.
“He’s cool,” Namjoon said.
“Yeah, crazy as fuck and scary, too. But mostly cool,” Jin agreed.
“Yeah,” Namjoon and I agreed. “Hey, hyung. Could you call Eomma Yun and put her
on speaker?”
“Sure.” He pulled out his phone and dialed her up. As it rang, he asked, “Is
she anything like her son?”
“Well, she’s taller and prettier than Yoongi-hyung. She’s ten times smarter
than him, twenty times meaner, and her mouth is a hundred times dirtier. She’s
way scarier than him, trust me.”
The call connected and the first words out of her mouth were, “I already know
it’s you, you absolute fucking idiot!” I could imagine her face and I shuddered
from the mere thought of her fierceness. Joon and Jin looked on sympathetically
while I let her yell. “I leave you alone for a couple of days and somehow your
dumbass ends up in a hospital bed! I thought you were a bit smarter than that
brainless twerp I call a son, but you’re just as stupid. What does my Tae see
in you two? Do I have to fly there and beat some sense into you?”
“No, ma’am,” I replied quickly.
“Ugh, you both are so frustrating!” I could hear the underlying concern in her
voice. “And what do the doctors say? Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes, Eomma Yun. I’m fine, just bruised up. A broken rib. Possible concussion.
But that’s the worst of it. I’m mainly just sore.”
“Good…that’s good, Kookie.” She let out a long sigh. “Just please, don’t do
anything like that again, okay? We just got you, we’re not ready to lose you
yet.”
“I know. I already promised hyung. I’ll be on my best behavior until you get
here,” I assured her. "How's that bastard doing?"
"He'll live, unfortunately." She laughed darkly. "He regained consciousness
just long enough to tell police that he never saw his attackers. Even now, the
asshole is being protective of Yoongi, as if that'll change anything."
I laughed along with her. "I'm looking forward to meeting him."
“I'm sure you are." The laughter died down and she went very calm. "Well, I’ll
let you go now. Eat well and get lots of rest so that you can heal better and
recover quicker. And if I hear about you getting into any more trouble, I’ll
fly there directly and punch you in the brain and then kick you in the dick,
which means you’re going to get hit really hard in the same fucking spot
twice…got it?”
Because she said it so calmly, so matter-of-factly, it was scarier. Joon, Jin,
and I all exchanged fearful looks; then a huge grin broke out across my face.
“I…yes, I got it, Eomma Yung.”
“Okay. Take care.” And she hung up.
I couldn’t stop smiling for some reason. I looked at my hyungs, who looked
quite stunned to be honest. Namjoon was pale and Jin looked like he wanted to
cry. “She’s something else, right?” I beamed at them.
“Yeah. Um, Jungkook?” Jin spoke up warily.
“Hmm?”
“Please stay out of trouble.”
All I could do was burst into laughter; even though it hurt, I couldn’t stop. I
was so happy. Taehyung would be rescued soon and I would get to see him again.
I had a bunch of people in my corner who supported and loved me. And I didn’t
have to do anything but sit back and let it all happen.
I closed my eyes again, still laughing to myself. It didn’t take much for me to
drift off into a peaceful slumber.
Chapter End Notes
     Jungkook survived, but at what cost? He's going to have to go back
     and live with his father...man, the older men in this fic are just
     shitty. Except for Seung GI, he's the best.
     I gave myself a pat on the back for making Jungkook tell the cop the
     truth. Last week when I was still writing it, it went an entirely
     different way. Jungkook was too argumentative and when he finally
     wanted to share what happened, the cop wasn't interested. But it was
     too depressing; there's already enough sadness. I'm trying to get to
     the happiness since we are nearing the end.
     Yoongi...so protective of Jungkook already. I lowkey loved that he
     tore into Namjoon and Seokjin a bit, hehehe. And Eomma Yun was funny
     as hell. Damn it, I love her so much.
     What did you guys think? I'm hope to see you in the comments.
     Next Up:
     Chapter 49 - TBA
     Yoongi attempts to free Taehyung.
***** Deliverance *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi is determined to free Taehyung.
Chapter Notes
     Hello, my lovelies. <3
     Voting is over!!!! Unfortunately, we were second place in all the
     categories, but since online votes only account for 20-30% depending
     on the category, there's still a chance we'll win. I'm just glad it's
     over and I can't wait to see our boys murder the MAMA stage.
     Hehehehehe.
     The best thing about no voting...I slept. Omg, I fell asleep at
     around 8ish, and I just woke up an hour ago when hubby called on his
     lunch break. When I realized it was so late and I hadn't uploaded, I
     felt so bad. So, here I am.
     I apologize my sweeties, but at least it's still Wednesday, right?
     Forgive me. ;)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I walked in and found the two of them waiting in a secluded corner booth of the
café. I hurried over to the detectives, slightly frantic and highly agitated.
Yet another day had passed and Taehyung was still in his grandfather’s
clutches; it was becoming harder and harder to keep my composure. Even Jungkook
was preaching patience from his hospital bed, the hypocrite, telling me that
rushing into the mansion would just cause more trouble. Who in the hell cared?
Trouble was just what Kim Taesuk needed, and I was more than happy to be the
one to bring it to him.
I’d been waiting on pins and needles for these two ass clowns to call me for a
meet up, eager to end this thing quickly and get my Tae back. They tried to
assuage me, saying bullshit about ‘working within the system’ and ‘staying
above board’…I didn’t give a shit about any of it. All I cared about, the only
thing that mattered, was freeing Tae and having him safe and sound in my arms
again.
I slid into the circular booth and though I wore a perpetual scowl that had
been stuck there since I first saw Jungkook in the hospital, I nodded to them
both in greeting. I didn’t pull any punches. “It’s been two days. What’s the
fucking holdup?” I demanded.
The tall one glared at me while the short one drew in a deep breath and rolled
his eyes. Tall and lanky went full reproach mode, shoulders stiff as he gripped
his coffee mug. “Who do you think you are? Is this how you usually greet people
who are trying to help you? We’re putting our jobs on the line here asshole,
our whole fucking lives, and this is how you thank us?” For a moment, it seemed
like he was going to spring at me; I braced myself. I’d beaten up so many
people in my life already, who cares if I added a cop to the list. Besides, I
had some aggression of my own I needed to let out.
Shorty was more level headed. He read the situation, patted his partner on the
shoulder, and they did their silent communication thing where a look was
comprised of a million words; the man calmed a bit. Then shorty turned his
attention towards me. He looked extremely tired and I regretted, just for a
second, that I had entered with such a shitty attitude. “The only reason why
I’m not going to unleash Walker on you is because I know how worried you are.”
“Shit.” I massaged my temples. “I won’t apologize for what I asked, but my
delivery was shit. I get it that you guys are flying blind and acting based on
hearsay, so of course you want to make sure all your ducks are in a row. I
understand the risk you’re taking by helping us. But what you need to
understand is that while you’re still unsure about what’s going on in that
mansion, I’m not. I know what’s happening to Taehyung and it’s hard as fuck for
me to know and not do anything. I feel like I’ve been extremely patient under
the circumstances. I’ve waited. I haven’t gone over there like I wanted to only
because you assured me that you would help. It’s been two days without so much
as a fucking word and I’m about to snap. So, excuse me for my rudeness, but
what is the fucking holdup?” And I glared right back at tall and lanky. “What
is the plan? Or am I going it alone?”
He frowned. “You’re not going it along. Stop being such an abrasive asshole…do
you want to hear our plan or do you want us to leave?”
I wanted to apologize, but I was too upset to do so. I gestured for him to
continue and he shook his head.
“We visited Mr. Kim under the guise of questioning him about the break in. We
did a walk-through, so I was able to get a good idea of the layout of the first
level. I drew a sketch…” he pulled out a large sketchpad and laid it flat on
the table. I leaned over, studying it intently. “There,” he pointed at an
entryway on the schematic, “is the door down to the basement. I asked him what
was down there and he said it was under construction…remodeling.” He bit his
cheek angrily; suddenly I respected tall and lanky. I was going to have to ask
his name again. “So, I’m guessing that Taehyung is still down there.”
Shorty interjected then. “We were able to get a good look at the surveillance
equipment. There is no feed for the basement at all, unless there’s a separate
system monitoring it. I don’t think that’s the case. He’s so accustomed to
getting away with what he does. And if Taehyung is as easy to control as
Jungkook claims, he doesn’t need it. The bastard probably gets some sick
pleasure out of having him under his thumb.”
Damn it. He won me over too. “So, I can get in and out undetected?”
“Yes. But there is the issue of the cage,” the tall one answered, “but Griffin
had an idea.” He turned to the shorter one whose name I guess was named
Griffin.
“Yeah. I stopped by a jewelry store and got this from the owner there.” He
pulled out a small bottle of something. “Nitric acid. A corrosive that eats
metal when you mix it with metal.”
“Acid? It doesn’t sound safe.” I grimaced. “I don’t like it.”
“It’s highly dangerous but if you take the necessary precautions, you should be
fine. Gloves, goggles, mask. You only need to use a little bit inside the
keyhole to corrode the locking mechanism so that the door will open.” Griffin
handed me the bottle. “But you’re going to have to make sure you cover his nose
if he’s nearby because it releases a poisonous gas as it works. It won’t be
much since you’re using a small amount, I’m just telling you for safety’s
sake.”
“There’s no cameras in the basement, fine, but how am I going to get in there?
There’s still cameras all over the first floor, right?”
“Yeah. But you’re going to have a reason to be there.” The one whose name I
didn’t learn yet handed over an oversized shopping bag, smirking a bit. “When
we visited, we found out he had an alarm system. He said he never uses it, so
we encouraged him to start using it. Whether it’s on or not, we’re going to
purposely trip his alarm system with this,” he held up an electronic device
that resembled a radio. “It the USRP N210.” He said it like I was supposed to
know what it was, so I just nodded.
“And then,” Griffin jumped in, “we’re going to conveniently be the team who
answers the call. Since he’s had a break-in recently and he’s such a valued
member of our community,” his partner scoffed at that, “we’re going to come
with lots of back-up. That’s where you come in.” He gestured at the bag I held.
I dug around inside and found two whole outfits and a helmet. “What the fuck is
this? Cosplay?”
“It’s the same uniform that the others are going to be wearing. The spare is
for Taehyung to wear so that he can sneak out.”
I gaped at the padded shirts and clunky helmets in horror. “I’m going to look
like a fucking Power Ranger. He’s going to see me again for the first time, and
it’ll be like this.”
“Who cares what you’re going to look like. All that matters is getting your
friend out, right?” Griffin asked, smiling gently.
I sighed. “Right. It’s a damned good plan actually.” I sat the bag down next to
me.
“Wilson and I,” Ah…so that’s his name, I thought, “are going to ride
separately, you’ll come with me. We’ll give you the keys to the extra car so
that when you get Taehyung, you can leave immediately. I’m sure Mr. Kim won’t
be counting how many officers are there, he’s going to be too concerned with
keeping us from the basement.”
“And I’m going to ask to review the surveillance footage to look for an
intruder, but I’ll actually be covering for you to make sure no one notices you
coming and going.”
“If we’re going to do this, really do this, Yoongi…it has to be quick and
quiet. You can’t leave any traces behind. Destroying the lock can’t be helped,
but other than that leave nothing. We can’t be implicated in anything, though
if ever there were something I was willing to lose my job for, it would be
this.” He grimaced. “If he’s the monster you and the others say he is…”
“He is,” I affirmed. After hearing how much effort and thought they put into
the plan, I felt like shit for how I talked to them earlier. There was so much
pressure on me to be the one to save Tae and I honestly felt like I was in it
by myself. Tae’s cousins weren’t men of action at all and my parents wouldn’t
be here for another two days. Jungkook was the only person who could understand
what I was going through, and I know that if he weren’t still recovering he
would be right here with me. Without him, I was alone. No one felt about Tae
the way we did, so of course no one knew exactly how much pain I was in. It was
easy to put on a brave face, to act as if I didn’t want to fold in on myself
and wail until I lost my voice. Sometimes my emotions bled through and usually
it was in the form of anger; it was unfortunate that I released it on the only
people who were helping me.
“Hey, you okay?” Wilson asked, sounding concerned. “I know it seems like a lot,
but I can’t think of another way to do this.”
“No, it’s not that at all,” I quickly corrected him. “Honestly, I’m regretting
the way I greeted you two earlier. I’m sorry for being such an asshole, it’s
just that I’m worried and frustrated and angry all at once. I’m usually very
calm, but this situation is…” I trailed off, not even wanting to let the mental
picture of Tae in a cage form. “I’m trying to deal the best I can. Once I have
him safe and sound in my arms, you’ll see a different Min Yoongi. I promise.
Please accept my apology.”
Both men smiled softly at me. “Well, he’s not such a heartless bastard after
all,” Wilson teased. “Apology accepted.”
“It’s no big deal. We understand that it’s rough for you,” Griffin added. “Now,
go get some rest. Text me your hotel info and I’ll pick you up at around half
past six. We’ll trip the alarm a little after seven once the staff is gone.
Jungkook said that the man waits until they leave before he does anything. Get
dressed before you come down, don’t bring anything other than a backpack with
the spare uniform, the acid, and a travel size spray bottle filled with water.
No I.D. or phone, or anything else that could be identifying. Wear a bandana
under your helmet so that you don’t even leave a hair behind.”
“Sure thing.” I stood then, grabbing up the bag. “Thank you both so much for
everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay this kindness.”
“Repay us by getting Taehyung out of there since we can’t.”
“You can count on me.” I shook both of their hands and bowed before leaving.
                                     *****
I walked into the room and right into a nearly paralyzing tension radiating
from the Park brothers and Jungkook as they glared at each other. It took them
a minute to realize I was there, but when they did two things happened: Jimin
stood and stormed angrily from the room, muttering something about food, and
Jungkook lit up with a genuine smile.
“Good news?” he asked, eagerly. “You look slightly less murderous today. Is it
about Tae?”
I walked over and took a seat in the chair next to his bed. “Don’t want to go
into details here,” I shot a look at Bogum, “but yeah. A plan is forming.” I
didn’t want to get his hopes up in case something went wrong tonight. “I’m
doing what I can to get him out of there as soon as possible.”
“I’m getting discharged today, so if there’s anything I can do…”
“No, kid. Absofuckinglutely not. Your job is to stay out of trouble, remember
the ankle bracelet? When you get discharged, go to your family home and keep
still. Also, you still have some healing left to do and you need to rebuild
your strength. I know you don’t want Tae to see you in this condition.”
“Right,” he said sadly. “Aish…I feel so useless. I should have never left him
down there.”
“It’s not your fault, stop blaming yourself. You’ve helped us more than you
know.” It was true. If it hadn’t been for Jungkook’s impulsiveness, we wouldn’t
have an excuse to enter the mansion. “Stop beating yourself up, idiot.” I
ruffled his hair.
He batted my hand away. “Ugh, stop touching me, hyung.”
“You know you like it brat,” I grinned.
“I don’t actually. Only one person can do that and not die. Other than him, I
hate it,” he scowled.
I chuckled; he was such a little liar. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, brat.
Hey…how are things?” I nodded towards his brother. “Any problems?”
“Nah, they’ve been pretty quiet today. We’re all just waiting for the paperwork
so I can get the hell out of here. I hate this place so much that going home
with them is beginning to sound appealing. Isn’t that fucked up?”
“It is. I just hope they know that my words apply outside of the hospital as
well.” I said it loudly to make sure Bogum heard me. “What about those brain
sharers, the Kims? Are they coming today?”
“I don’t know, probably. I think you made them feel guilty the other day.
They’ve been extra touchy, feely, since then. So, they’ll probably be here to
dote on me later…if I’m still here.”
“Good, at least you’ll have someone to keep you company.” I made a mental note
to call Kim Namjoon before standing and stretching. “Times up, brat.”
“What? You’re leaving? But hyung, you just got here.” He pouted. “We haven’t
even argued yet.”
“I know, kid, but I have a lot to do today. I didn’t intend to stay for long in
the first place, I just wanted to check on you. Tae would kick my ass if I
didn’t look after you.” It had to be an influx of guilt that had him turning
away from me. Poor kid still blamed himself for leaving Taehyung behind. “I’ll
call you tonight to check in and make sure you’re settled. And I’ll try to
swing by your place tomorrow, okay? Text me the address.”
“Sure, sure,” he resigned gloomily. “But you had better not flake out on me.
And if there’s any development with Tae at all, let me know ASAP. I don’t care
what time it is, just call or text.” He extended a fist out towards me; I
bumped it with my own. He gave me a little smile. “See, so much better than
that hair ruffling thing, right?”
“Whatever, brat.” I smiled at him; he was a good kid. “Later then.”
I turned to leave and found that the other Park brother had returned. I scowled
at them both as I left.
When I reached the quiet of my rental, I took out my phone and called Namjoon.
“Hey, Yoongi.”
“Hey. Just wondering if you had any plans for tonight.”
“Nah, not really. Jungkook is supposed to be discharged today so we’re going to
head over there. I’m going to try and bully those brothers of his into letting
us drive him home and get him settled. I’m a little worried because of his
relationship with his father…I want to gauge the situation and make sure he’s
going to be okay.”
“And after?”
“Dunno. I only have two clients later in the day, but then I’m free. Why? You
have something in mind?”
“Yeah. I think you should meet me at my suite tonight… I can leave a key for
you at the front desk.”
“Oh…well. Okay. What for?”
“We’re going for it tonight. Make sure you bring a med kit, just in case it’s
bad. Pain meds, patches, whatever you need to do stitching, antibiotics and all
that crap. I don’t know what condition he’s in since Jungkook last saw him.”
I didn’t miss his sigh of relief. “Definitely,” he said excitedly. “I’ll bring
Jin, too. He’s going to be so pleased…”
“No,” I interrupted. “Just you. You can’t tell Jin, not yet. And don’t let
anything slip to Jungkook. I don’t want him to do anything impulsive and put
himself at risk again. Tae’s pretty much going to be in hiding and the less
people who know, the better. I don’t want his grandfather to have any leads to
us; it’s the only way to guarantee he stays free.The only reason I’m telling
you is because I can’t bring him to a hospital and you’re the only doctor I
know.”
“I…shit, I understand. What time should I be there?”
“Any time after 7. I’ll leave the key at the front desk so you can go and get
set up. Either of the rooms is fine. Oh, also, can you bring some clothes and
anything else that will make him more comfortable?”
“Sure. I swing by his place before I head over.”
“Good. Thanks, man.”
“No, I should be thanking you. I’m grateful that he has someone who loves him
this much.” I couldn’t help but smile. “Good luck and be careful, okay?”
“Thanks. See you later, Namjoon.”
                                     *****
I was a bundle of nerves as I stood there in uniform with five other officers,
the two suited detectives heading up our queue. It took a minute for the old
man to answer the door. I couldn't quash the idea that it was because the
bastard was in the basement, doing what he does.
He opened the door in a huff. “What do you want?”
“Mr. Kim…” Griffin started. “Sorry to disturb you, but we got word from your
security company that your alarm was tripped. Because of what happened a few
days ago, we rushed right over. Are your guards here?”
“No. They were sent home for the night.”
“And your grandson is still gone?”
“Safe and hidden until that menace Jeon Jungkook is locked away.” I balled my
fists; I wanted to hit the bastard for lying. “It’s just me in the house.”
“I’m not sure if you’re aware, but Mr. Jeon was released from the hospital
today,” Wilson chimed in. “So, you can see why we rushed right over.”
“It was a false alarm. I entered the code and gave the security company the
password when they called. It’s unecessary for you to be here.”
“Sir,” Griffin began, “the last time we met you were convinced that your life
and that of your grandson was in danger. We’re just here to double-check.
Unless, Jeon Jungkook isn’t as dangerous as you claimed?” He raised his brow.
“If he’s not a potential threat, then all those preventative measures we had to
take would be unnecessary.”
I held my breath waiting to see how he would respond. I prayed for the asshole
to cave and let us in, otherwise this would have all been for nothing. “C’mon
you sick bastard,” I muttered to myself. “Let us in.”
“It would only be a waste of your time, but just to be certain you may enter.
But I’m giving you access to the first floor only. Look around to your heart’s
content, just don’t go wandering where you shouldn’t,” he ordered.
Wilson nodded, a huge, phony smile on his face. “Great. We’ll be quick, I
assure you.”
It went off without a hitch; suddenly I found myself inside the mansion. I
listened to Griffin giving out orders. He sent two of the team to check the
outside perimeter and he instructed us remaining three to search separate
sections of the first floor; of course, my area was isolated and contained the
door to the basement. I heard Wilson ask the monster to show him to the
surveillance room and the old man replied that he hadn’t too long ago shut it
off. That was my cue to make a move.
I broke away from the other two as quickly as I could and made my way to the
door. I took a quick glance around to make sure no one was watching before
quickly ducking inside and closing the door gently behind me. I hastily made my
way down the stairs, taking them two at a time. I rounded the corner and…
Sure enough, there was the cage in the center of the room. Sitting inside in
the furthest corner with his knees balled up to his chest and wearing only
boxers was Taehyung. He was still, his head resting on his knees and his arms
wrapped around his legs.
I approached slowly, quietly, not wanting to startle him…I heard him humming to
himself. I removed my helmet so that I could see better and he could hear me
better. “Tae?” I made my way to where he sat and sank down to my knees. My
mission was to get him out and as quickly as possible, but I had to see that he
was okay first.
There were angry, weeping welts on his back; they had to hurt a lot pressed up
against the bars the way they were. I couldn’t see his face at all. He wasn’t
shackled as he’d been when Jungkook visited, but I saw the thick chain piled in
the center of the cage. “I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry this happened to you
again. I should’ve been here to protect you.”
He gripped his legs tighter and started humming louder.
“Don’t ignore me. Hubby, I’m here to get you out.” I reached out tentatively
through the bars and placed my hand on his shoulder; he jerked at my touch and
whimpered. I squeezed it gently. “Shhh…it’s just me. It’s me, your hyung. You
know I won’t hurt you, right?”
He mumbled something but I couldn’t make out what he said.
“Kim Taehyung, how dare you not speak to me,” I admonished gently. “Do you know
how worried I’ve been? Do you know how sad I’ve been to be away from you? All
I’ve wanted since the day I left Vegas was to see your face and hear your
voice. But you won’t even look at me now…you won’t talk to me.” I went for the
back of his neck next, kneading the flesh there. “Please, love. Look at me…just
once. I want to see your beautiful brown eyes. Don’t you want to see me?” He
didn’t react. “Say something! Don’t you love me, Tae?”
“G-go…” he whispered. “Stop it.”
He heard me. That knowledge only strengthened my resolve. I was going to get
him out of there.
I stood and went over to the entrance of the cage, taking off my backpack. I
examined the lock carefully, finding it to be nothing complicated. I dug out
goggles, a spray bottle, and the acid. My hands were already gloved. Tae was
far enough away that any gas released from the acid’s reaction with the metal
wouldn’t affect him, so I donned the googles and drizzled a bit of the acid
into the keyhole. Then I sprayed two pumps of water in the same spot. The
reaction was immediate.
I took a few steps backwards because the smell hit me right after the second
pump, but since it was such a small amount the distance was enough to avoid it.
After a few minutes, I walked back to the cage and tested the door…it swung
open easily. I threw everything back into the bag, grabbed it, and rushed over
to Tae.
I couldn’t help myself, welts be damned…I threw my arms around him, kissing the
top of his head and whispering I love yous into his hair. He went rigid, but he
didn’t try to escape my embrace. That had to mean something. I held him for a
while and when I finally let him go, he snuck a peek at me.
I tried a different tactic to get him to respond. “Eomma is planning our
wedding and she’s being a complete monster, Tae. Right now she’s leaning
towards a knock-off Frozen theme in the winter… she wants to dye your hair
blond. Personally, I think it’ll be too much for me. You’re already too fucking
beautiful for your own good, Tae, but blonde hair would make you look angelic,
wouldn’t it?”
He shook his head. “He’s not here. St-stop it. Don’t talk to me, just go away.
I don’t want to see him…it hurts. It hurts so bad, just go.” He shied away from
me scooting out of my reach. “He’s gone…I can’t…go. Just go.”
“I can’t leave without you, Tae. I’m taking you out of here.”
“I hurt him…I hurt Yoongi.” He began crying. “All my fault…I don’t deserve to
see…”
He finally looked at me fully and I felt my stomach lurch, not because of how
badly his face was ruined, but because I could imagine the hits that did so
much damage to his lovely face. He had to really be in pain, but here he sat
crying for me, worrying that he hurt me. It broke my fucking heart. “Tae, I’m
fine. You didn’t hurt me, you would never!” I hugged him fiercely. “I’m fine
and I’m here. Hyung is here.”
“Yoongi…I’m so…it’s all my fault, right? I was bad. I’m bad.”
I don’t know why the anger came so suddenly, but it was enough to spur me to
action. Thinking about how he suffered here alone, thinking about the things
that sick fuck did to him, and remembering that it was Jung fucking Hoseok’s
fault…I wouldn’t let them get away with hurting him. Fuck reasoning, fuck
trying to coerce him into cooperating…I had to get him out of here as soon as
fucking possible and nothing was going to stop me, not even Tae himself.
I unzipped the bag and took out the spare uniform before forcing him to stand.
He didn’t look at me, but he didn’t resist as I carefully dressed him,
contorting him like he was some sort of human-sized lifeless doll. The pants
were fairly easy to get on, but the top was form fitting and I worried that it
would aggravate his severely wounded back. We didn’t have choice though, so I
went about it as gently as I could. It wasn’t until he was full dressed that I
realized that I didn’t bring shoes; it was too late to do anything about that.
He would just have to leave here barefoot, but that was a small price to pay
for his freedom.
I left him for a few seconds, hurrying outside the cage to grab the helmet that
I had forgotten about up until now. I grabbed it and raced back to Taehyung,
jamming it down on his head. “C’mon, love. It’s time to get you out of here.” I
grabbed his hand and for a second there, I could have sworn I felt a squeeze. I
grabbed the bag, looking around to make sure there was nothing left behind.
Then I hauled ass out of there, tugging him along.
When we made it to the top of the stairs, I opened the door just enough to take
a quick peek; the coast seemed clear so I opened the door and stepped out. With
no one in sight, I pulled Tae out of there and closed the door quietly. “We
have to move quickly now, love. I can’t hold your hand because it would be too
suspicious if we ran into anyone else. I know you’re scared but I need you to
hear me. Please follow me. If you’re too afraid you can grab onto my bag, okay?
But I need you to move and don’t stop until we get to the car. Do you
understand?”
He didn’t respond at all, he just stood there with his eyes trained to the
floor.
“Let’s go. Stay close and don’t stop moving.” My heart pounded violently in my
chest and I couldn’t breathe, too fearful that I would give something away as I
headed for the front door. My mind raced with thoughts about how this whole
rescue attempt was too easy and that there was no way I would be able to just
take him and leave. I was so afraid that someone would stop me or say
something, or that Tae hadn’t heard anything I said and would get left behind.
What if…
In a panic, I looked over my shoulder, willing myself to keep moving forward.
He was right behind me, moving hesitantly, but still…he was there. Tears sprang
up but I fought to hold them back. I couldn’t break down, not now, not when we
were so close to freedom. I reminded myself to tell him later just how proud I
was of him.
I swear, it took twenty fucking years to make it to the front door and by the
time my hands closed around the latch, my brow was drenched with sweat and my
pulse was visible under my skin. I opened the door, waiting, anticipating that
someone would stop us. But then I was outside; Tae stepped out right behind me
and I’d never been so fucking thankful in my life. I closed the door quietly
and grabbed his hand again. “We’re almost there, love.”
I didn’t let go of him. We made it to the car and I helped him inside. I
sprinted to the other side and with no hesitation started it up and got the
hell out of there. Once we hit the highway, I let out long, relieved breath.
As I sped towards my hotel, I looked over to see if there was any reaction from
Tae, but I had again forgotten about that damned helmet. It didn’t matter that
I couldn’t see his face, there would be plenty of time for that later. The most
important things were that he was free and sitting right next to me, he was
safe, and I didn’t have to leave his side ever again.
                                     *****
Heavy knocks sounded loudly in the room. I ran to the door, knowing already who
would be on the other side. “Detectives…come in, please.” I welcomed them both
inside, shaking their hands as they entered. “I’ve been expecting you for a
while now.”
“We just wanted to let you know that he didn’t suspect a thing. As long as you
keep Taehyung off the grid for a while, I don’t think Mr. Kim will be a
problem.”
“Also, and I hope you think any less of us,” Griffin interjected. “we were
curious about whether, you know…”
And I did know. They wanted to know if they had risked their jobs and their
livelihood for nothing; they wanted to verify that Jungkook, the Kims, and I
were telling the truth. I couldn’t blame them at all, they had done so much for
us on blind faith alone. The least I could do was introduce them to Taehyung.
“It’s fine. I’ll be happy to introduce you to Tae, but I have to warn you to
not expect much. He still hasn’t spoken since he got here and he’s still sort
of…not all there? Yeah, I guess that’s the way to put it. He’s suffered a lot
and I think it’s going to take a while before he’s himself again. I have to
warn you, his face is badly bruised and Namjoon is doing his best to treat his
back. If you can please hide your reactions, I’d really appreciate it. I don’t
want to scare him.”
“You have our word,” Wilson vowed, Griffin nodded in agreement.
“Coming from you two, that’s worth a lot. Follow me.” I led them to the master
bedroom and knocked to let Namjoon know I was coming in. “I have guests with
me. Don’t freak out too much, it’s only the detectives who helped us out.” I
opened the door and walked in, Griffin and Walker right on my heels.
I had warned them both not to react; it was a good thing that Tae was turned
away from the door. Taehyung sat with his legs crisscrossed, near the edge of
the bed and facing the headboard while Namjoon cleaned his wounds. His back was
fully displayed to the room and I could tell that the detectives were shocked
by what they saw.
Walker let out a nearly inaudible hiss that I heard only because I was right
next to him, the perfect mixture of grimness and disgust filling his eyes. His
mouth was set in a firm line and it looked like he wanted to punch somebody.
Griffin on the other hand, looked on pitifully as his eyes went glassy; the man
looked like he was on the verge of tears. I nudged them both, pleading with my
eyes for them to get their shit together. They both schooled their expressions
and Griffin wiped his eyes quickly with his sleeve.
“Namjoon,” I spoke. The man nodded and stepped aside. I walked over and took a
seat on the bed. “Tae, love, can you greet our visitors. They helped us out a
lot. They’re the reason I was able to get you out of there.”
“Hello, Taehyung. It’s nice to meet you,” Griffin spoke up.
“We’re glad we could help you get out of there,” Wilson added.
“B-but…I’m not really out, am I?” came his quiet reply. “It’s all a dream.
This…I’m still there. I can’t leave. There’s nowhere for me to go.”
“If it’s a dream, you can look at me freely, can’t you? Please hubby. Turn
around and greet our guests. They really want to meet you.” I laid a consoling
hand on his arm. “If it’s just a dream and you’re here with me, then it’s okay,
right?”
He was quiet for a moment. “But…” I could tell he was thinking deeply about it.
“Hyung is always right. He wouldn’t hurt me. It’s okay if it’s you…” He shifted
around, grimacing from the pain it took to move. He uncertainly looked up at
the two visitors, both of whom were obviously distressed by his appearance.
Then his gaze fell back to his lap. I frowned at them both for failing so
miserably, grabbing Tae’s hand and kissing it. “It’s okay if you don’t want to
talk. I just wanted you to meet the nice men who helped get you out of there.
They are policemen and they’re going to make sure you don’t have to go back
there ever again.”
“I have to, it’s home. Home is pain.”
“No, I’m your home. Or did you forget?”
“Not anymore. You’re…there’s someone else. If you’re happy…” his voice broke.
“as long as you’re happy. If you and Kookie can be happy…”
“We can’t love, not without you.” I carefully kissed his bruised cheek. “I’ll
fix everything, I promise.” I stood and reluctantly let go of his hand. “I’m
going to see the nice detectives to the door, but I’ll be right back.”
“No…don’t come back. Go…I should…I don’t deserve this after what I did. Leave.”
And then he turned his back on us, pulling his knees into his chest and
pressing his forehead to his kneecaps. “Just leave.” Namjoon hurried back to
his side and resumed dressing his wounds, shooting me a dark look.
I don’t know why I nodded, it just felt like what I should do. Then I led the
two detectives from the room and back to the front door.
“I saw it with my own eyes,” Griffin started, “but I still don’t want to
believe it. How could someone do that something like that to a human being. How
could he do that to his own family?” he asked angrily. “Ten years…he’s been
living with that for ten years and no one did anything to help?”
“Jungkook did. When he found out he fucked the old man up pretty badly. Until a
few days ago, he and Taehyung haven’t had any contact. Tae was put in a
position where he felt like he didn’t have anywhere else to go, he was made to
believe some pretty awful things about himself. He was misled and it led to him
returning there.”
“Shit. Poor kid,” Wilson muttered. “I’m just glad we could help. And I’m sorry
that I was still skeptical up until just now…until I saw.” He shook his head.
“If he needs anything, if you need anything…”
“Whatever we can do to help,” Griffin chimed in. “And if Mr. Kim reports
Taehyung as missing, we’ll make sure to be the ones handling the case.”
“That’s…” I choked up. “I really appreciate your help, really. Thank you for
giving me the benefit of a doubt. If you hadn’t believed in Jungkook...in me,
he’d still be there." I retrieved the large shopping bag from the sofa with all
the items they'd given me inside, and handed it to Griffin. "I will never be
able to repay your kindness.”
“Just keep him safe.” He patted me on the shoulder. “And we’ll do what we can
on our end to get those trumped up charges against Jungkook dropped. Until
then, make sure he doesn’t come here. That ankle monitor is troublesome and I
don’t want anyone to be able to track Taehyung through it.”
I nodded adamantly. “I won’t. Thanks again.”
“Our pleasure,” Wilson said, offering his hand. I shook it firmly; I did the
same to Griffin. “We’ll get out of your hair now. Take care.”
“You too, the both of you.” And then they were gone.
I walked back to the room thanking the heavens that there were still some
trustworthy and caring people in this world. I had Tae back because of them and
there wasn’t a word in any language that appropriately expressed my gratitude.
I was thankful, so thankful to have him back by my side; I didn’t plan on
letting him out of my sight any time soon.
When I walked in, Namjoon was in the process of slipping a fresh t-shirt over
Tae’s head. “I did what I could. Thanks for including me in this…I know Jin and
I didn’t make the best impression on you. I’ll feel like I owe you an
explanation.” He slipped Tae’s arms through the holes and then kissed the top
of his head. “If you have time tomorrow, maybe I can swing back by and we can
talk.”
“I’d like that. And thanks for everything you did, not just tonight, but over
the years…when I couldn’t be there for him.”
He started packing his bag. “There’s nothing to thank me for; I love him,
too…with all my heart. Thanks for doing what we couldn’t, for getting him out
of there.” He took a second to kiss the top of Tae’s head and whisper some
words of encouragement in his ear. “Don’t let him lie on his back. Don’t worry
about the bandages unless he starts to bleed through. There’s extra supplies in
a bag in the bathroom if that happens, if not, I’ll change them in the morning
before I go to work.”
“Got it.”
“And if you need anything else, just call me okay?”
“Sure. See you in the morning then?”
“Yeah, see ya.” He smiled cutely, his deep dimples lending him the appearance
of a kid. “Oh…and welcome to the family.” He left then, grinning like an idiot.
I shook my head, smiling at the idea of being accepted into Tae’s family. I
turned my attention to the quiet redhead sitting at the edge of the bed. Even
though his face was still wrecked, he looked much better, more like himself. I
walked over and knelt front of him, burying my head in his lap. I was just so
happy to have him back. I planted a kiss on his leg before looking up into
those hypnotizing eyes of his. I didn't care that his face was colored with
yellows, blues, and violets...he was still the most beautiful thing that I had
ever seen. “You should rest, love. If you need me, I’ll be in the other room.
Don’t be afraid to come over or call out, okay?” He gave a slight nod…that was
progress. I smiled brightly up at him before standing. “Make sure you sleep on
your stomach so that you don’t hurt your back.” I brushed his hair out of his
eyes, smiling again when it fell right back into place. “Goodnight, Tae. I love
you.” I bent down and gave him a forehead kiss. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I started towards the door, but when I heard, “If…” I froze. “…it’s not real.
This is a dream, right? If I want you to stay, would you?” I spun around
quickly, eyes prickling from the tears I’d held back all night. “This doesn’t
seem like a nightmare, so you would want to stay with me…even if it’s selfish.
Even if I hurt you…you would stay with me, right? Because it’s a dream I
wouldn’t be breaking my promise to stay away. I can be with you here…I won’t
tell Grandfather, I’ll keep you as my secret just…stay. Stay with me and I’ll
still be good. I promise I’ll be good.”
I closed the distance between us quickly and threw my arms around him. “It’s
not a dream, love. I’m here and there’s nothing I want more than to stay by
your side. If that’s what you want, I’ll stay.” I could feel the tears burning
a trail into my cheeks. “I want to stay here with you.”
“Stay…just for tonight. I’ll let you go again when I wake up, I promise, just
stay here with me,” he begged desperately, urgently, his words muffled by my
shoulder. “It’s selfish and it’s wrong and you belong to someone else…but if I
can see you…”
“I only belong to you, Taehyung, and you belong to me. That’s how it’s always
been, that’s how it’ll always be, love. Don’t worry about anyone or anything
else; it’s just you and me. We’re together and I love you.” I cried as I held
him. “It’s you and me, hubby. I’m here and I’m staying.”
The elation I felt when his familiar hands slid up my back and to my shoulders,
holding me in place…it was indescribable. And when we were tucked in beneath
the sheets, him lying on his stomach and me on my side facing him, it was the
very definition of contentment. I held his hand and watched him fighting sleep
so that he could look at me; eventually he lost the battle. But the fondness I
felt, the rightness of it all was so overwhelming that I started to cry again.
And as much as I had struggled the entire time to come up with a word to
describe what this moment felt like to me, it came as easily as breathing when
I began to drift off.
It felt like home. I was home.
Chapter End Notes
     So...a lot happened this chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading it as
     much as I enjoyed writing it.
     Yoongi, I fucking love you. Two generic detective guys who we don't
     really know because you're important, but not important enough to
     flesh out as characters...I fucking love you, too. Namjoon, I fucking
     love you, too.
     Tae...finally. He's a bit broken mentally and badly injured, but he's
     safe. And he's with Yoongi.
     What did you guys think? I'll see you in the comment section. Leave
     kudos if you haven't and you liked it, if you don't like it...don't.
     But thanks for giving it your time anyway.
     Much love to you all! See you next week.
     Up next:
     Chapter 50 - Vertigo
     Taehyung struggles with distinguishing what's real and what isn't
     until someone unexpected helps him figure it all out.
***** Vertigo, Part 1 & 2 *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung struggles to determine what is real, and what isn't.
Chapter Notes
     Hello again lovelies. :-*
     Here I sit in the library, offering up a long chapter...21 pages of
     Taehyung losing his shit. I was going to break it into two parts, but
     then I said fuck it. You don't mind if it's long, right? Will you
     complain that I gave you all too much? I couldn't help myself, I
     wanted to give you something big.
     It's going to be confusing and you're going to have questions...ask
     them in the comments and I'll be sure to answer. I don't want to give
     anything away in the beginning so I'll give a few answers in the end
     notes.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                               ****PART ONE*****
This pain was all-encompassing, never-ending…I deserved all of it.
After the blow, there was no mistaking the metallic taste and the liquid warmth
saturating my mouth. Perhaps the inside of my cheek was cut again. I could hear
him yelling at me again…for what reason? I didn’t know.
Did I flinch? Did I make a noise? Did I look at him when I wasn’t supposed to?
I couldn’t remember. I didn’t care. Whatever I had done to make him angry
needed to be corrected; I welcomed the next blow, ready to accept the
punishment I deserved. I braced myself and took it square on the chin.
As I fell backwards, I watched his face. He was smiling. Relief flooded me and
before my eyes closed I felt comforted that I could at least give him that.
After stealing his daughter away and intruding on his life, after taking and
taking but never giving back, at least I was able to give him that.
I couldn’t see anything, but I felt the fiery poker of pain that gored me until
I was hollow when the flesh of my torn back connected with the cold, hard
concrete.
There was only darkness then and I felt nothing.
                                     *****
I opened my eyes mid-scream to a garish whiteness that stretched on for miles
upon miles in every direction. It was a desert, but I was cold. There were
these things surrounding my prison…these huge metal things that were screeching
at me. Their shrieks were icy and because they wouldn’t be quiet, I began to
shiver. I asked them nicely to stop, I begged them, but they didn’t listen.
They didn’t even care when I began to cry, they just kept howling at me.
And I couldn’t remember how I got here.
I sat up and moved away from the center of the cage, leaning against invisible
bars. It was better to take the direct blast from one of them than a cumulative
blast from several, right? Does that make sense? I didn’t know.
My body shivered violently in desperation to generate its own heat; it didn’t
work. I covered my ears to block out some of the noise; I didn’t like them
yelling at me. But I probably deserved it. I was a bad person. All I did was
hurt others, so whatever they were saying was probably justified.
I sat there with my ears covered and my eyes closed. I wanted to drift off to
sleep, but there was so much whiteness behind my eyelids that I couldn’t. It
was too damned bright.
I sat there trembling and suddenly everything went away.
I was grateful, I didn’t like the cold anyway.
                                     *****
It wasn’t cold anymore and those things weren’t making noise, but my face was
on fire. I knelt in front of him as he peered down at me. His eyes were scary.
I immediately lowered my gaze to somewhere around his middle, but his hands
were there. There was blood on his knuckles. Where did that come from?
“You were good, but you are not yet where you need to be. Repentance is
difficult, isn’t it dear grandson?”
“Yes, Grandfather.”
“You aren’t giving up yet, are you? Because weakness is not a trait found in
this family.”
“No, Grandfather.”
“Good. We are done for now. No food or water until I deem you worthy of
living…filth.” He spat in my face and I didn’t try to wipe it away; it was
acceptable for someone like me. “Your very existence is obscene, Taehyung, but
I will try. You have my blood in you and that is the only reason why I am
willing to try.”
I didn’t care much about his words and what they meant, but it sounded a lot
like he cared for me. Even though I didn’t deserve it, even though I only
caused him trouble and ruined his life, he cared. I was grateful. “Yes,
Grandfather.” I bowed low, pressing my forehead against the cold floor with my
eyes squinted shut. My skin cried out in agony from the contact, but I didn’t
move until I heard his retreating footsteps…and then nothing.
I was thankful that there was someone who cared. I hugged myself and cried
tears of joy.
It wasn’t love and it didn’t come from the person I wanted it to come from, but
it was enough. It was enough.
                                     *****
“I’m not supposed to see you. Go!” I cried. “You said for me to stay away, but
how can I when you keep showing up here? Why are you looking at me like that? I
didn’t do anything else I swear…I’m giving you what you want but you keep
coming. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to think about what I did.”
I could sense the judgement in his gaze and see the hurt on his face. Knowing
that it was my fault was bad enough but to see how badly I hurt him was worse
than any physical pain I ever felt. I didn’t deserve to see him, to speak his
name, but there he stood; gripping those invisible bars and staring down at me.
“Don’t. You have someone. Go to him.” I wept openly because I never had to hide
my feelings from him, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. No one knew me better
than he did. “Let him love you the right way. Go and be happy with him. Leave.
Please, just leave and let me stay here. I’ll pay it all back, I promise. For
hurting you, for making you do what you did…I’ll pay it back.”
But he wouldn’t leave. He just stood there watching me.
I tried to crawl away, but I didn’t get far. There was something fastened
around my ankle and I couldn’t get away. So, I hid my face in shame; he
shouldn’t have to look at me. He shouldn’t have to see me or hear me. I tried
to make myself invisible.
I pretended like I couldn’t feel his eyes on me.
I was invisible.
                                     *****
Those things were going again, their shrill yells reverberating throughout the
desert…but I couldn’t feel the cold air.
Strong arms held me tight and I felt warm for the first time in a long time. I
didn’t want to be bad, but it felt good to have him hold me. The last few times
he had only stood and watched from a distance, but now he was holding me.
It was wrong. He shouldn’t touch me…not me. He was still pure; I wasn’t. I
would ruin him. I broke free of his embrace and scooted away quickly, the
metallic clink from the chain attached to my ankle ringing loudly in my ears.
The chain was short, but it allowed me to put a few feet between us.
Why did he look so sad? Had I done more to hurt him?
“How will you learn to live without me if you keep coming? You don’t love me
anymore and it’s all my fault but you keep coming here. I’m bad. I’m only going
to hurt you in the end and I don’t want you to cry again…I don’t want to make
you cry but I always do. Go away. Go somewhere else and be happy.”
I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs; I made myself
as small as possible. “Leave. I don’t want you to see me and I don’t want to
see you, Jungkook. I’m not a good friend; all I ever did was take from you. I’m
sorry I broke your heart. But I’m paying for it, right? I’ll pay back
everything I took and you’ll be happy. I’ll pay as long as you leave.”
But he stayed. He didn’t try to come closer, he just sat there and kept me
company. When he started to hum I tried to ignore it at first, but after a
while I felt compelled to hum along with him.
Leaving his arms had made me vulnerable to the cold again but having him nearby
gave me enough warmth to survive it.
                                     *****
My eyes flew open. I gripped his hands tightly, trying to loosen their hold on
my throat. He was crying and yelling at me as he squeezed, but I couldn’t
remember what I did wrong. I had been good. I tried to be good.
Was it because those two were here when they weren’t supposed to be? Did he see
them? Did he hear me talking to them? I couldn’t look around to see if they
were still there, but I prayed that they were safe. That they were free. That
they were happy.
I forced myself to stop struggling and let my body go limp. Everything went
foggy and I couldn’t feel the cold anymore. I couldn’t feel anything.
                                     *****
I came to just as he was shoving a spoon of broth into my mouth. It was too hot
and too thin but it was something; I was grateful. I let the warm liquid stream
down my throat, swallowing without even tasting. My belly grew increasingly
warmer from the soup, so warm in fact that a sweat broke out on my forehead,
but I finished it all.
He gave me a bottle of water and I took my time with it; I didn’t want to vomit
it back up. It was room temperature, but cool enough to dull the flames raging
in my stomach. It wasn’t too long before the bottle was empty.
My knees stung and my legs felt dead and prickly; I had probably been kneeling
for a while now. I didn’t show any weakness, I just bowed in thanks. When I
felt him pat my head I didn’t react. I didn’t show my satisfaction, though the
gesture almost made me tear up. I suppressed it all so he wouldn’t think of me
as weak.
I didn’t raise my head until I heard the door clang shut and his footsteps on
the stairs.
I curled into a ball in the middle of the floor and cried myself to sleep.
                                     *****
I woke up and the brightness assaulted my eyes while the noise attacked my
ears. The cold cut through me and my entire body felt like lead…except for my
hand. It was throbbing and achy; it had been that way since the first night I
came home. I cradled it close to my chest so that it didn’t move around too
much.
My skin burned even though those loud things were on full blast, I pressed my
face to the cold ground, hoping that it would alleviate some of the heat. My
eardrums felt like they were going to deteriorate, so I pressed harder against
the ground to cover one ear and used my uninjured hand to cover the other. It
muffled the sound a bit, but I could still hear.
I shut my eyes against the brightness, praying that I could just fall asleep
and escape this place if only for a little while. I was quite sure that the
nightmares in my head were more tolerable than the real-life ones. Besides, I
always forgot them anyway.
My hand got tired from pressing so hard, so I relaxed it a bit. The noise bored
into my brain and I began to fear it would explode. Suddenly, I heard noise
that didn’t come from those blowers. It sounded like a voice; I thought maybe
Grandfather was coming back. I couldn’t stop trembling…I deserved the pain, but
I was tired. I had lost most of the day, I think, and he had already done God
knows what to me. I just wanted to rest.
And then I heard, “Min Taehyung...hubby…” I zeroed in on the new voice,
listening intently to his sweet words. I hadn’t heard him in forever. How long
had I been here? Days? Weeks? Months?
It couldn’t be him, not here.
That’s when I knew I’d lost it. All those visits from him and the other, it all
had to be my mind playing tricks on me. Even though I wasn’t supposed to I
still loved him with all my heart and he was who I wanted to see the most. It
was likely that in my weakened state, my mind was desperate to give me solace.
Hearing his voice again…it was the closest to happy I would ever get, so that’s
why I could hear him. I didn’t want to open my eyes and have it confirmed that
he wasn’t there, not yet. I just locked in on the sound and let it warm me from
within.
And then the first voice grumbled out a complaint that sounded far too real and
familiar for it to be in my head. It couldn’t be…could it?
I opened my eyes and saw Jungkook seated there holding up a phone; he didn’t
look like the other who had visited. I tried to clamp down those feelings of
hope and elation that he was really here. “My Yogi? Jungkookie?” And then he
spoke to me…it was then that I remembered why I was here, why I came home.
I tried to make them understand how sorry I was but my emotions were all over
the place. I couldn’t string together the words I needed to say into anything
coherent. When I remembered that neither of them wanted to see me I hid behind
my hands, even the throbbing one, so that I could spare them. If they didn’t
see me maybe they would stay…just for a while. Just for a moment so I could
etch it into my memory. I apologized over and over again, hoping that they
would stay.
But then they started to say things, things I had dreamed that they would say.
That it was all a misunderstanding, a colossal mistake and that we could all be
together like before; me with the man I loved along with my best friend. But
that wasn’t possible. Not after how badly I hurt them. Everything…it was all my
fault.
It was all a hallucination; they weren’t here. It wasn’t real. It was false
hope. There’s no way, none.
This place was where I belonged and no one was coming for me because no one
cared. Not anymore. This was just a mental projection, a form of self-torture.
I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut muttering my apologies; there was
no use in seeing them or hearing them. The sooner I accepted that they were
gone the better it would be for all of us. I couldn’t keep holding on to them
when they were moving on; I had to let go.
I laid there for a long while trying not to listen, but then Yoongi spoke to me
directly. He sounded so desperate, encouraging me to fight. But there was no
reason to fight when I had nothing and no one. All I had was Grandfather. All I
had was pain.
I listened to the two of them talk and for a second there they sounded far too
real to be in my head. They never insulted each other in the dreams that I
could remember. And Yoongi with his proclivity to use profanity in every
sentence when he was upset…it was too spot on. So was Jungkook’s reaction to
his words. Could he really be here?
I asked him directly and he said he was, but why would he come for me? Why
would he want to save me from this when he couldn’t even stand to look at me?
It wasn’t him. It wasn’t real.
He was just a figment of my imagination...a phantom thought trying to test my
dedication. I could not quit. I could not leave, not until I paid for my sins.
So, I fought against that phony Jungkook’s words and told him that I was home.
I confessed every wrong, every slight against him and told him that I would
stay here so that he could be happy.
He left eventually saying that he would return for me, even though I protested
and asked him not to. When he didn’t come back I knew it had all been a
hallucination; Jungkook wouldn’t go back on his word like that. It made more
sense that he had never been there, especially since we weren’t even friends
anymore.
I was grateful that I hadn’t gotten my hopes up because him not returning after
promising he would have been enough to shatter me. I was glad I stayed strong
and accepted that here was where I belonged. I did the right thing.
I was good.
                                     *****
White-hot heat licked my skin and the searing pain was enough to crudely yank
me from my reverie; it was so hot it felt cold. The pain was like a million
teeth biting into me all at once and I just wanted to escape; but I needed it.
I had to pay. I had to give the only thing I had left in hopes that I could be
redeemed.
Another slice shook me but I didn’t fall. I wanted to cry out but I couldn’t
because it would only make things worse and I couldn’t risk that. I didn’t know
how much more my body could take and I didn’t want him to think I was weak or
giving up.
I thought of the garden and of butterflies…I thought of Yoongi and I went under
again.
                                     *****
I tried to hold it in but couldn't. When he found out that I had peed in the
corner, Grandfather was angry. I paid doubly for my lack of discipline. There
was only agony…then darkness …then nothing.
                                     *****
The world zoomed into focus. Screaming and thrashing as I choked on the blood
running down my throat, I fell over onto the floor. My body jerked around
spasmodically. The pain from moving around too much made me black out.
                                     *****
I hurt everywhere. I burned but at least I was unfettered, the shackle now gone
from around my ankle. I had on shorts now and the fans were gone; I must’ve
pleased him in some way. I cried tears of delight, happy that I hadn’t
disappointed him again. It meant I was good. It was all worth it to know that I
was good.
With the loud things gone it was hot in the basement; even the floor was warm.
I crawled over to a corner and leaned against the cool bars letting them
provide the only comfort I could find.
My belly rumbled vociferously but I ignored it because I was too full of joy; I
began humming. I thought back to how I used to sing for that person when we
were young; back then we were just kids who didn’t know any better. If I had
known then what I knew now, I would have told him how much I loved him as soon
as I realized it. We could have made so many great memories together. We could
have been great.
“Yoongi…” I spoke softly, letting the word linger in the air around me.
“Yoongi…Yoongi…Yoongi…” I repeated, letting the words sink into my skin and
soothe me. This was okay; it was okay to just say his name and think about him.
It wasn’t bad that it felt so good to hear his name.
I tried to smile but it ached too much, so I hugged myself instead. I drew my
knees up to my chest and rested my head on top. I hummed and indulged in my
memories; I had earned it for being good.
I didn’t realize how strong my mind was because not long after I thought of
him, I heard his voice behind me. It scared me because I only wanted to treat,
not torture, myself. Saying his name was one thing but hearing him…seeing
him…that would be pushing it, right?
He sounded so close and so real; I didn’t know that a voice could be so solid.
I couldn’t let a hallucination ruin all my progress, so I ignored him and
hummed even louder while hugging myself to keep from falling apart.
I told myself that he wasn’t real…he wasn’t there.
And then I felt warm fingers grip my shoulder; even though it hurt I didn’t cry
out. He talked to me and started to massage my sore neck; it hurt like hell but
I didn’t say a word.
He, on the other hand, said a lot of things that I both wanted and didn’t want
to believe. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to hear him. I didn’t want
to feel him. I just wanted him to go. I didn’t want to slip back when I’d come
so far.
“G-go…” I whispered. “Stop it.”
He left and I was so relieved…until I heard noises coming from near the cage
door. I didn’t dare look to see what was going on over there. It was better to
just ignore this elaborate trap my mind had sprung on me. I refused to give in.
I was good.
But then arms wrapped around me and pulled in. I could feel him. I could smell
him. He was everywhere and in everything and it was pure hell for me because
all I could think about was how badly I had hurt him. I didn’t want to imagine
him in a hospital bed somewhere, still recovering from trying to take his own
life…but I did even though Hoseok said he had stopped him in time. I didn’t
want to picture Jung Hoseok helping him recuperate and taking care of him. I
didn’t want to think about how he told me stay away from him and his family and
his fiancé forever.
How much time had passed since then? Months…years? Had he gotten better a long
time ago and forgotten about the whole thing because he had someone new to fret
over? What if he had settled down with his new everything…his new home?
Although I wanted him to be happy I didn’t want to picture him moving on.
No…I couldn’t think like that. My feelings no longer mattered because what
happened to Yoongi was my fault; it was all my fault and I had to pay for it. I
had no right to be sad about Yoongi being happy.
I tried to get him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. I cried and argued with
him, confessing all the different ways I hurt him; it had worked when Jungkook
showed up but not on Yoongi. He stayed.
And I tried not to look at him for as long as my heart could tolerate it but in
the end, I couldn’t help myself. I wished I hadn’t because the shock in his
eyes, the disgust when he saw me was enough to make me want to die. His utter
revulsion sent me reeling and I wanted to apologize for making him suffer.
I didn’t deserve to look at him or to have his eyes on me but he went so far as
to hug me. It was unreal; it couldn’t be happening. It shouldn’t happen when I
was so unworthy.
With his arms around me I noticed he was too solid to be a hallucination…this
had to be a dream. And in a dream I didn’t have to push him away or hide in
shame because no one would know unless I told them. That’s why I didn’t fight
him when he dressed me in strange clothes that matched his or jammed a helmet
down on my head. If it was a dream and I was with him, it was okay. I would let
him do as he pleased and then let him go when it was over.
When he grabbed my hand it was so realistic, so familiar, that I gave him a
squeeze to let him know how happy I was to feel it again. He led me out of my
prison, out of the basement, and I knew for sure that it was a dream because
Grandfather wouldn’t let him just waltz in and take me. None of this was real,
but it was okay. I had been good. I could afford one nice dream.
When he let go of my hand it felt wrong, like I had lost him all over again.
Unintentional tears escaped leaving blazing trails down my burning face and
pooling underneath my chin; luckily the helmet didn’t give anything away. I
didn’t want Yoongi to see them and feel sorry for me.
I cried because this had to be the part where the dream turned into a
nightmare. He would walk away and leave me there and then Grandfather would
show up to punish me for being stupid and weak enough to imagine that someone
besides him cared for me. It was a preposterous notion because even in my
dreams, happiness was out of reach. It wasn’t meant for me; pain was my
destiny.
I braced myself for the worst but then Yoongi told me I could follow him. He
started to move away from me and although I had been reticent at first, I
wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. I would have to eventually, but not yet. Not
until the dream went left and I had no choice. Holding on for just a bit longer
was no big deal because I would be the only one to ever know. So I followed him
hesitantly, scared out of my mind that the next step could mean the last time I
saw his back. I kept as close as I could without crowding him.
Suddenly, we were outside and he held my hand again. I didn’t want to let go
ever again. I knew I would have to eventually, but for now…this was good
because I was good.
He loaded me into the car and the next thing I knew we were driving away. I
stared at him as he drove wondering what I would do if he disappeared from his
seat. Would I crash? Or would the scene restart with me inside the cage again?
It was all too confusing but then we pulled up to a hotel and he helped me out
of the car. He walked me inside and we got on the elevators; he didn’t let go
of hand once.
I found myself praying that the dream never ended. I wanted it to run on a
perpetual loop in my mind for the rest of my life. That way I could always stay
by his side, even if it was all in my head.
                              *****PART TWO*****
Swaddled in warmth with soft, fleeting touches on my face…that’s what I opened
my eyes to, though one of them allowed only a sliver of a handsome, pale face
far too close to my own. Dark bangs covered his forehead and his eyes were
still waging war with sleep, who was not quite ready to release them of its
hold. The expression he wore was one of concern, but underneath that there was
something more; something that shouldn’t have been there. I refused to put a
name to it.
How was this possible? Why was he still here? Then I remembered…I was asleep.
Then I dreamt while I was asleep and then fell asleep within that dream and
then dreamt while sleeping in that dream then woke up but in that same dream
that I fell asleep in...so I was still asleep, right?
Trying to decipher the thought gave me a headache and I was so confused. And he
was too close, far too close to me. I scooted out of his reach, every inch of
me screaming out in dissent as I moved. Was there supposed to be pain in
dreams?
Maybe I had been wrong to want to stay with him. It was just another form of
torture wasn’t it? He would have to leave me anyway so why let myself get
attached to him knowing how much damage it would do when we separate again?
“You’re finally awake, sleepyhead? Nineteen hours, wow. You even slept through
Namjoon changing your bandages twice. I hope you don’t mind that I scolded him
for being too rough.” He laughed lightly and it made him even more handsome. “I
would’ve thought you were a statue if it hadn’t been for your stomach making so
much noise,” he said while smiling beautifully at me. “When is the last time
you ate, love?” I blinked praying that he would disappear, but when I opened my
eyes he was still there. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll order a bunch of stuff from room
service and you can just eat whatever you like when it gets here.” He grabbed
his phone and placed a large order for food; I could only stare at him, the
migraine and the confusion making my mind a muddled mess. As I struggled to
make sense of what was happening, he looked over at me and his smile vanished.
After he hung up, he said, “Wait…you haven’t forgotten me again, have you?”
I wished I had because it would have made things so much easier for me. I
didn’t like this. Indulging in a good dream was one thing, but this was too
good. Waking up with Yoongi, him smiling at me and looking after me…this was
wrong. Yoongi belonged to someone else now; there was no sense in building up
false hope. I tried to reign in my desires, tried to mentally jolt myself out
of this fantasy world but I was stuck. I tried to appeal to him instead.
“It’s too much…you being here,” I whispered. “Maybe we can meet again the next
time I’m asleep…if I’m good. If I behave. But you have to leave and I want to
wake up now.”
He grimaced, clearly confused, but it was obvious why he didn’t understand. It
was probably because this was all real for him. He only existed in this place,
so of course it was his version of ‘real’. “Tae…what do you mean? You’re
already awake.” He seemed earnest but he didn’t know any better. The people you
dream about never know that it’s just a dream. “You’re awake and you’re with me
where you belong.”
“No…don’t do that. Don’t say things like that…” Woozily, I scooted towards the
edge of the bed. Don’t play games with me. Stop trying to trick me into
believing…” I shrank away from him. “This…it’s not real. It’s all a dream and
you’re just a part of it. I’ve already let myself indulge for too long, and
it’s going to be hard enough to say goodbye. It’s best to do it now.”
“Tae, love, you really are awake. This is real.” He put a hand to his chest.
“I’m real.” He reached for me but there was no way I was letting him touch me
again. I let myself fall from the bed and landed painfully on the floor.
Already light-headed, I cried out in agony as my insides shifted and my
injuries flared in protest as I crawled away.
His eyes widened in fear and panic as he clambered across the bed towards me. I
held out a shaky hand warning him to stay back; he froze only a few feet away
from me. I refused to be fooled, to be toyed with and weakened only to be
expunged into the that cruel, bleak amalgamation of torment and dejection that
was now my existence. I would fight against him until the moment I awoke from
this now nightmare. I couldn’t afford to lose ground.
“No, you’re not. I shouldn’t even be talking to you; it’s going to be hard
enough on me when I wake up. I don’t want to have to go through losing you
again. Just go…be happy.”
“Taehyung, you are what makes me happy. You know that.”
“I’m not…not anymore. He…you’re with him. It doesn’t matter because as long as
you’re happy I’m okay.”
“I’m not happy, Tae. I’m not happy at all.” He sank down and sat cross-legged
on the floor facing me. “I had you for all of a few hours and slept right
through it. It feels like I’m in a perpetual state of mourning you and I’m so
fucking tired of it. It’s hard and I’m tired. I’m fighting for you, I have been
fighting for you for so long but is it useless? Will we ever get our shot?” His
glassy eyes threatened to spill over and I didn’t want to see it. I trained my
eyes to the floor. “It seems like the whole fucking universe is against us,
even you are now, and if it’s a lost cause maybe…” he choked out, “if I’m the
only one still fighting maybe I should stop.”
I don’t know why it hurt so much to see him on the verge of tears, even though
I knew he was just a mental projection. “You shouldn’t…don’t…” I wanted to tell
him not to waste his tears on me but the words stuck to my tongue. Even though
he was only a fake, I didn’t like seeing him in that state.
“Are we over, Taehyung? Just tell me, whatever you want that’s what I’ll do,”
he said quietly. “I don’t want to do it but should I let you go? I want you but
if you don’t want me back, I’ll stop. I’ll stop but I won’t be able to move on
from you. I love you so fucking much, I swear it, and I’ve never loved anyone
or anything as much…but I’m not going to force myself on you. I’d rather love
you from a distance than be this close to you and not have a clue where we
stand.”
“This…it’s not real. This is just my mind telling me what I want to hear, I
know that. My hyung is out there with the person he loves and they’re happy and
that’s something I’ve always wanted. He deserves everything after all I put him
through. You’re just something I dreamed up and you’re saying all the right
things to shake up my heart and weaken my resolve. Yoongi doesn’t want me. He
was intimate with someone else,” he tried to interrupt, but I silenced him, “he
loves someone else, he’s marrying someone else and there’s no room for me in
his life anymore…and I’m gonna be just fine. I’m where I belong and he’s where
he belongs.”
He shook his head angrily. “Hoseok lied to you, love. None of what he said was
true,” he pleaded. “When I said I’d never been with anyone else or kissed
anyone else, it was true. How could I ever give you up just like that after
everything it took to meet you again? You are all I ever wanted, all I need…you
honestly think I would leave your side for one day and just throw away a
lifetime of loving you?”
He was very convincing and I wanted to believe it but I couldn’t. “It wasn’t
just one day, was it? Hoseok has been with him for years. He’s been there for
him during the toughest, ugliest moments of his life…it’s not unreasonable that
his feelings grew into more than just friendship. It’s not by choice, but
Yoongi and I, we are done.”
He flinched at that. I saw a few tears spill over onto his cheeks, but he
batted them away in irritation.“It sounds so profane, you know? Me and
you…done. It doesn’t even sound right, so I thought I could hear it and be
okay.” He smiled sadly. “It’s not okay…I’m not okay and I don’t ever want to
hear those words leave your lips again.”
“But…you said…it’s what I want.”
“Not only are you lying to me, you’re lying to yourself.”
“I’m not…I just want you gone. And I want to get out of here. I thought I was
getting better, I thought I was good and that staying with you for a little
while was okay. But this…it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have followed you. I
shouldn’t have asked you to stay with me. It was one weak moment and I regret
it.”
“The most important thing you said was that it’s not by choice. You want to be
with me but you’ve been tricked in believing that can’t. You still love me,
Tae. As long as you still love me I can find the strength to keep fighting for
you.”
“It’s not you that I love; I can’t love you because you’re not real. My
Yogi...the living breathing Min Yoongi.” His smile grew bigger. “I love him
with all my heart and I always will. He’s it for me and maybe if I had told him
how I felt sooner...that morning in the dome or even that night. If only the
right words would have come…”
“You mean, you knew then? You made your decision back then?” My mind was too
murky to identify the look on his face. His face went impossibly soft, but his
eyes were watery, yet steeled fierceness. “You chose me then.” He didn’t ask
it, he stated it in a strong, determined voice that was tinted with awe.
“Taehyung, you don’t know…this…shit, it means so much to me. He was right, that
bastard was right all along.” His gummy grin, the one reserved only for me, was
the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. “I think if I don’t at least get to
hug you now, I’m going to lose it. Can I?” He didn’t wait for me to reply, he
just hurried over and wrapped his arms around me.
I stiffened and just let it happen, even though it hurt. While my mind reeled
trying to determine exactly how a dream could feel so much like the real thing,
my body went haywire. I knew exactly what the feeling I felt was, why my heart
accelerated precipitously and why my hands were shaking and sweaty; why my
lungs couldn’t take in oxygen and my brain short-circuited; why the air felt
dense and heavy enough to wade through it and some unknown entity buzzed
beneath my skin. I knew each sensation, but I didn’t know what it meant because
this was all a dream and I shouldn’t feel anything like that because this was
not my Yoongi; nothing made sense.
Though I barely had strength, I pushed him away to break our embrace; he didn’t
let go completely, still clinging to my t-shirt. “Don’t…I don’t like that.
Please, don’t do it again.”
“I won’t, not without your permission. I promise.”
“Good…you remind me too much of what I lost.”
“Tae, if I’m not real then why is it a bad thing?”
“Because I really hurt Yoongi by stringing him along, so much so that he tried
to...kill..." I couldn't finish it. "I don’t deserve to look at him, much less
touch him. It’s wrong and it’s selfish of me to bring him here when he asked me
to stay away from him.” Yoongi frowned. “If I ever get to see him again I hope
he allows me to apologize for making him…” I couldn’t continue; I didn’t even
want to think about him attempting to take his own life. “I just want to pay
him back what I owe.” And suddenly I was crying. I didn’t know that dream tears
could feel so wet but they did. “But I can’t do that if I don’t wake up, so
leave. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to
hear you…not anymore. You don’t exist.”
“I think maybe we shouldn’t talk while you’re in this condition. You’re too out
of it to know what you’re saying, so I’ll drop it for now,” he said worriedly.
“Can you leave? I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay anymore. It
makes me weaker.”
“If that’s what you want.”
“I do.”
His jaw clenched. “Okay. I’ll go wait for the food out there.”
He stood to leave and I could tell that he was angry by the set of his
shoulders. It was my fault, I knew it, but I had to warn him. “I…I can’t eat,”
I mumbled. “Unless he gives it to me I can’t eat. I haven’t earned it yet.” I
saw something dark, something sinister in the look he gave me. I cowered,
hugging myself and avoiding his gaze. “It’s fine if you just leave, I don’t
need any food. I’ll wait until I’m good enough.”
“Tae…baby, when was the last time you ate?”
“I don’t know…since the broth it’s been maybe a week or two? Three?” I
questioned myself aloud. “But I’m strong and this is only a dream anyway. It
wouldn’t be real food anyway.”
“So it wouldn’t matter then.” I couldn’t see his face, but his fists were
clenched tightly at his sides, his stance domineering. It was scary. “It’s only
a dream, right? He won’t know whether you eat or not and if it’s not real food
it doesn’t count. I’ll bring it in when it gets here.” He stormed from the room
without another word, shutting the door gently behind him.
Now that he was gone I felt less tense. I tried to stand, but my body was too
wrecked to cooperate. I ended up dragging myself across the floor and climbing
slowly and carefully up onto the bed. I tried to wrap my head around this weird
dream as I rested.
This had to be some kind of mental test. Maybe somewhere deep within me I was
still struggling with the way things ended between him and me. I loved Yoongi,
there was no question about that, and I wanted to be with him even though I
couldn’t. Maybe this was my mind’s way of letting me get out all my feelings so
that I could move forward. Or maybe it was a twisted way to be with him since I
couldn’t in real life.
Whatever the reason, it was a waste of my time. I needed to be punished for
what I had done to him and Jungkook. If I was stuck here wallowing in what will
never be, I would never be able to make it up to them; to repay my debts. I
needed out of here now.
My eyelids grew heavy as exhaustion conquered me. I didn’t try to fight it off,
riding the wave of drowsiness and praying that it took me back to where things
made sense…back to my home with Grandfather where I belonged.
                                     *****
I don’t think I can do this…
I cracked open my eyes at the sound of his voice drifting through the now
opened door. I looked around and saw him pacing back and forth outside of the
room with a phone attached to his ear before burrowing myself back into the
sheets. I was somehow still trapped in this never-ending nightmare.
The thing that looked like Yoongi sounded so miserable, so pained that my
instincts screamed for me to go out there and comfort him. But I was too worn
out, too exhausted and in pain to even move. Furthermore, it was a trap.
My mind really worked overtime to trick me into believing that this was all
real; that I was out of the cage, out of the mansion, and with the man I loved.
But I would never fall for it because it was too obvious that it was fake; none
of it was possible.
If this was a test, I refused to fail it. There is no way he would get to me,
he couldn’t, not if he wasn’t there. I told myself to ignore his voice and his
words because none of it was real. I could feel my eyelids getting heavy again
I’m just so fucking angry and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to hold it in much
longer. Every time I look at his face…I can feel my insides knotting up and I
want to throw up, but I also want to tear down this whole fucking world, level
everything and raze the fucking earth until theres nothing left. That’s how
pissed I am…
I covered my ears, but I could still hear him.
If you saw him, you’d be just as upset as I am…well, maybe not as much. Just
talking to him…aish, I want to put my fist through a fucking wall. I’m so
frustrated.
I didn’t take a genius to know it was me he was talking about.
I’m so disgusted, just looking at him and knowing…it’s sickening and I’m
seriously not fucking coping. I hate it. I fucking hate it and I fucking hate
him for what he did.
This test sucked; I failed miserably. How could I not be affected hearing those
words in that voice? I disgusted him. I angered him. He hated me. I was
drifting off to a deeper level of sleep with that knowledge and it made my
stomach churn.
You should be here, you’re so much better in every way…I really wish you were
here instead.
Even though it wasn’t my Yoongi, the words still cut me deep. I welcomed sleep,
if only to make me forget for a while how much hearing that had hurt.
                                     *****
“GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!!! How
dare you…HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE HERE!”
I jolted awake, sitting up in a panic. I guess I moved to fast because my head
started spinning and pounding and everything around me was a blur. Raised
voices came from beyond the partly closed door I could here other quieter
calmer voices as well as a lot of jostling about. I wanted to wake up, but I
also wanted to sleep. I didn’t know left from right, up from down, but I felt
like shit and there was no way I would be able to rest with the ruckus
happening out there.
“Why would you bring him, I thought you two would know better…HOW IN THE FUCK
DID YOU THINK I WOULD BE OKAY WITH THIS?!?! AFTER WHAT HE DID…YOU HAVEN’T SEEN
WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE, TRASH ASS, SELFISH,
STUCK-UP PRICK! IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU...”
It was hot, so hot that I missed those huge screaming monsters that blew icy
air. My t-shirt, my hair…everything was plastered to my skin thanks to the
thick layer of sweat coating my body. Everything ached and my throat was so
dry…water. I wanted water. I needed water.
If it was just a dream, asking for water should be fine since Grandfather
wouldn’t know. I would acknowledge that Yoongi thing’s presence just long
enough to get water. Then I could get back to ignoring him and figuring out how
to get the hell out of this place and back to the real world.
With painstakingly slow movements, I managed to free myself from the sheets and
stand. Going from supine to upright took it’s toll as painfully bright flashes
of light flashed behind my eyelids and nearly sent me sprawling to the floor. I
fought to stay on my feet, bracing my self on the bed first as I took sluggish
steps towards the door.
“Calm down? Why are you telling me to calm down when you know what he did? You
expect me to just accept it? There’s no way in hell I’m letting him anywhere
near him…do you hear me? NO FUCKING WAY!”
When I had reached the end of the bed, I used all of my strength to push
forward and took advantage of the momentum from me falling forward to cover a
great distance…running smack dab into the wall right next to the door. Thankful
to still be on my feet, I opened the door and stepped into the brightness.
I leaned against the doorjamb and took a long look. There were five people in
the room…but one of those people didn’t belong there. I would never call him
here. I didn’t want to ever see him again, never in my life. So. why would he
be here?
Min Seung Gi…my Appa Gigi…had one arm around Yoongi’s waist and the other
around his neck trying to pull him back as he flailed about and cursed. Min Yun
Hee…my Eomma Yun…gripped one of Yoongi’s arms, trying to reason with him but
occasionally glaring daggers towards the other side of the room where my cousin
Namjoon stood. He had his hands out, protecting the person who stood behind him
and also trying to reason with Yoongi.
It was all so bizarre. The person standing behind Namjoon was none other than
Jung Hoseok…why would Yoongi want to attack him and why would Eomma look at him
like she wanted to let it all happen? None of this made sense…what was wrong
with me?
I pressed my fingertips to my temple as another flash of light nearly crippled
me and the dull pain in my forehead sharpened into a spike. I pressed down on
it, rubbing the area between my brows hoping to stave it just for a few
minutes; I needed answers.
I awkwardly stumbled forward into the room, surprisingly maintaining to remain
vertical. All attention turned towards me and it felt like I was on display.
Eomma’s hand flew up to her mouth, eyes widened in shock and tears already
running down her cheeks. She started to move towards me, but Yoongi grabbed her
and pulled her back. "He doesn't like being touched right now, don't," he
commanded. She froze in horror, just staring, and I found I couldn’t look at
her anymore. So I looked at Appa GiGi and he was stoic as usual, except…his
eyes were glassy and his face was a shade of red that I had never seen. He was
almost as scary as Yoongi.
They were there and it wasn’t wrong for them to be because they were my family
and I loved them all so much. It was normal and I could understand why my mind
would want them here. It could only be one of two reasons: comfort or guilt. It
made sense.
Namjoon was blank-faced and stared at me sympathetically; there was nothing
weird there. He was always caring towards me, although a little bit
overprotective and loved me like a little brother. Of course he would be here
in my dream...but where was Jin? We were a threesome and there is no way he
wouldn’t be here be it dream or real life.
But that other person…Jung Hoseok. He wasn’t someone I would want to see at
all. I had no feelings towards him, good or bad. I hated him for stealing
Yoongi away at first, but if Yoongi loved him then my hatred was useless; he
merely existed. There was no way he could torture me, he had already done that,
and there was no way he could make me feel better. He really had no purpose
here at all…so why was he here when Jin was not? And where was Jungkook? He
hadn’t shown up once and if there is anybody I wanted to see as much as Yoongi,
it was him. Where was he? And why was Hoseok here instead?
“J-j…Jung…Hoseok…” I haphazardly stumbled towards the place where he stood. His
handsome face was bruised and battered and he wore a sling; there was a cast
covering one hand and going midway up his forearm. I stumbled over my words,
trying to find the right thing to say. “Why…you came…real, you’re here. Real?”
I brushed right by Namjoon and met Hoseok face to face, waiting for an answer.
His skin was pale and pasty and he trembled slightly; he looked as if he would
upchuck all over me. “Kim Taehyung?” He looked around to the others as if to
verify it, then turned back to me with frantic, appalled eyes. “It’s you? This
is really you?”
I looked at his injured arm. “What happened to you? Did you get hurt?” I
reached out and touched his face; he felt real. “Is Yoongi hurt too? Is he
okay?” He looked around to the others again, but I turned his face back to me.
“Don’t…don’t pay attention to them. They’re not really there. But why are you
here? Did Grandfather find you? But that doesn’t make any sense because he
doesn’t even know who you are and how would he even know where to send for you
if I never told him anything about you, but then again he always seems to know
about every single aspect of my life somehow, unless I told him and forgot that
I did and that would make sense because you being here just doesn’t make sense
otherwise because I didn’t even tell him about meeting Yoongi again so he
wouldn’t know to contact you in the first place unless he had me followed like
he usually does…” I babbled on and on, just loud enough for him to hear because
I didn’t want the others listening; Hoseok looked on in alarm.
Out of nowhere, I felt extreme pressure in my head as an invisible entity
squeezed my brain and I almost fell over again; Hoseok helped steady me.
“Get the fuck off of him right now, or I swear…” I heard Yoongi yelling from
somewhere on the other side of the room. “You shouldn’t even look at him, you
bastard!”
I ignored his words because of course I would never do anything to hurt someone
he loved. He didn’t have to worry about Hoseok…but then again, he wasn’t really
there. Maybe it was my conscience yelling out for me to stay away, which was
ridiculous because I meant no harm to him. It was okay. I was good, or at least
I was trying to be good. “Are you in much pain? Because it would kill Yoongi if
he knew you were hurt like this. Are you okay?”
“What happened?” Hoseok asked, seemingly distressed. “What happened to you?”
“What do you think happened asshole? YOU DID THIS! This is what happens when
you play in people's lives and don't consider the consequences!” Yoongi yelled.
“No one wants you here. As always, you’re being selfish and thinking only about
what you want. Get the fuck out! And take your hands off of him!”
“Shhhh….” I ordered to no one in particular. “It’s too loud. Hoseok, are you
here to help me? I can’t seem to find my way back and I have so much farther to
go until I can be forgiven for what I did to Yoongi and Jungkook. Are you here
to help Grandfather with my punishment? I’m trying to be good but these voices,
these people won’t go away. And if I can’t leave them behind I’ll never get
better. I’m hungry and I’m thirsty but I’ll never earn the right to eat or
drink again if they don’t leave…will you help me wake up?”
He looked around bewildered. “I…if that’s what you want.”
“I just want them to go away. You are real, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good. If I focus on you then I can find my way back. Will you come with me?”
“Sure.”
“Okay…c-can you help me? I’ll be fine once I’m off my feet, I’m just a little
disoriented.”
“Of course…just lean on me.”
“Thank you.” He bore most of my weight on his good side, wrapping an arm around
my waist to support me. I could still hear Yoongi yelling obscenities, even
after we made it back to the safety of the room. I closed to door and pretended
I didn’t hear anything.
                                     *****
He knelt at my bedside, fussing over me as I lounged on my stomach. “Are you
comfortable?”
“I’m fine…pain is something I’m well-acquainted with, don’t worry.”
“Okay.” He was silent for a minute. “I came to talk to you about the last time
we met, but in your condition I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“My head is still hazy and it hurts a lot, but again, I have a high threshold
for pain. If you want to talk we can.”
“It’s probably because you have fever. You need a hospital.”
I shook my head, despite the feeling that someone was stomping on it. “No…I
can’t go there. I would get in even more trouble with Grandfather. It’ll pass,
it always does.”
“Will you at least take meds?”
“I don’t like to take any drugs. It’s not so bad if it’s just a fever. If it
were a broken bone or something, then maybe I would take a pain pill. I don’t
mind the suffering, really, it’s what I’m meant to do.”
“Ah…” He chewed his lip. “About these people you are seeing…what makes you
think that they’re not real?”
“Yoongi wouldn’t show up here; he’s loyal to a fault. Once he decided to
propose to you, that was the end for us. And since our relationship bothers
you, he definitely wouldn’t want to risk hurting your feelings. There’s no way
he would seek me out. Besides, he attempted again because of me and I know for
a fact that he didn’t want to lose control like that again. He’ll probably
never forgive me. And his parents, of course they’ll take his side. I’m sure
they blame me to for what happened.”
“Oh…and the other?”
“My cousin, Namjoon. That’s the only part I don’t understand, really. Jin
should be here too, shouldn’t he? And where is Jungkook? They are the only
family I have and if anything could break my resolve it would be them. So why
is only Namjoon here? Unless it’s not a dream and I’m just hallucinating all of
this. But how would that explain you?”
“How do you know that I’m real?”
“You are too detailed; I only saw you once. I don’t have any stored memories of
your scent, mannerisms, or expressions, so I wouldn’t be able to recreate you
this well in my head. You have to be real.”
“What if I told you that it was all real, that all of us are really here? Would
you believe me?”
“Do you have proof that they are real?”
“Do you have proof that they are not?”
“Touche.”
“You aren’t dreaming, nor or you hallucinating, Taehyung. I’m speaking as
someone who has nothing to gain no matter what you believe. But the people out
there are very real and you are here with us in a hotel room. I don’t know the
details because no one wants to talk to me…I had to bully my way onto the jet
just so that I could come here, after all.”
“But after everything I did…”
“You didn’t do anything, Taehyung. But you’re not ready to hear that part, not
when you’re so confused. I have to convince you that this is really happening
first.” He pulled out his phone and started typing and swiping. “Ah, here it
is. How to Tell If You’re Dreaming.”
“You expect me to trust an article from the internet?” I raised an eyebrow
skeptically, the action causing the throbbing behind my eyes to intensify.
“Does it at least have .edu at the end of the web address?”
“No, it’s a Wiki,” I rolled my eyes. “But it’s an information resource and we
don’t have many options. Number one: Checking appearance. Okay, there’s four
parts to this one. ‘Check to see if you’re dreaming when you’re awake’…wait.
That makes absolutely no sense since you don’t know the difference between the
two. ‘Perform reality checks…things won’t be as they seem normally’. Again, not
helpful since nothing about this situation is normal.” He scrolled through
mumbling under his breath. “The people around you’…that won’t
work…’environment’, we’re in a hotel room so it’s unfamiliar. Shit, this might
be hopeless. Oh, look at yourself in the mirror. Blurry, distorted,
disfigurement…wait a second.” He hurried into the bathroom and came back with a
makeup mirror. “Here.”
He thrust it into my face and I couldn’t even recognize myself. “I don’t look
like me.” I frowned at the reflection before looking at a discouraged Hoseok.
“Blurry, distorted, disfigured…I see all of it. It doesn’t look like me.”
“It really doesn’t, does it?” He frowned looking at his phone.
I shrugged. “You’re doing more to make believe that I’m dreaming, Hoseok.”
“Let’s just move on to number two…oh, that’s no good either. Number three…shit,
that’s just as bad.”
“What does it say?”
“It doesn’t matter, none of it is helpful at all.” He tossed his phone lazily
towards the end of the bed. “I’m just going to take a chance and tell you the
truth. You seem coherent enough to me right now.”
“It’s because the others are gone. It’s quiet in my head now and I can think
clearly now.”
“Good. Now I can tell you the reason I came here.” I watched as he took a deep
breath. “Taehyung, when we met in Cali, I made a huge error in judgment and I
hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
I waved him off. “There’s no need to apologize. I said some pretty nasty things
as well and I’m so sorry for interfering in your relationship with Yoongi. I
honestly didn’t know…”
“No,” he interrupted. “Taehyung, I have no relationship with Yoongi. I lied to
you…everything I said that night, it was all lies.”
“What?” I felt my heart accelerate and felt panic seeping into my blood. He had
to be lying, though just looking at him told me he was being honest. “All of
it?” I choked out.
He nodded. “Yoongi and I have never been involved, romantically or otherwise.
All I’ve ever been is his friend. But I was jealous and I had a lot of
misconceptions about who you were as a person. Yoongi and I were close, but
that part of his life he refused to share with me. So, I drew my own
conclusions about you and it turns out that I had you pegged wrong.” He bit his
lip again. “When you showed up at Yoongi’s door that night there was a lot
happening…I’ll let Yoongi tell you that part because I don’t want to step on
his toes or steal his opportunity for honesty. But everything I said, about him
attempting and the engagement and everything else, it was all lies. I made it
all up.”
I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. Frankly, I was flabbergasted. “You
lied?” I asked. “What about the story of how you two met and you living there
and the ring…you lied about all of that, too?”
“I did. About everything. I wanted to drive you away because I thought you were
bad for Yoongi. See, I’m in love with him, or at least I was until the morning
after you left. He found out what I did and finally shared your story with me.
Afterwards, he ended our friendship permanently.”
“Oh…” I measured his words, his expressions, his body language and everything
came up as sincere. My head was throbbing but my heart was soaring. I knew it
was dangerous to fall into hope so easily but he was just so believable.
“That’s not the worst part. As it turns out,” he rubbed the back of his neck
nervously. “I found out where you were almost six years ago and I hid it from
him. When he realized that you could have been saved from this,” he gestured at
my wrecked form, “he lost it and did this.” He gestured at himself with his
injured arm. “I don’t much blame him, I didn’t even fight back when it happened
because I deserved it. I realized then that there was no use in loving Min
Yoongi because he’s still in love with you; he always will be. Besides, I could
never be with someone who could do this to me. I don’t think I’ll ever see him
in the same way again.”
I remembered Yoongi telling me earlier that Hoseok had lied. If I applied that
to this entire situation, then everything else made sense. It all made sense. I
didn’t even realize I was crying until he ran into the bathroom and came back
with a Kleenex holder. He tried to clean my face, gently wiping and pressing so
as not to hurt me. “It was all a lie,” I sobbed. “All of it?”
“It was and I’m so sorry. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I’m going
to try my damnest to earn it.”
“You don’t have to, you already have it…it’s just,” and then I was crying
again. “He’s safe. He kept his word and he didn’t attempt again. He okay,
Yoongi is okay.” I let him wipe me up again. “He doesn’t hate me and I’m so
happy and…”
“And he’s out there miserable and going crazy because I’m in here while he’s
not. He’s not doing well, especially with you in this condition. He’s trying
hard to hold it together but I’m worried that all of this might be too much for
him.” He grabbed my hand. “I’ve never seen somebody love so strongly, Taehyung.
His love is going to be his end because seeing you like this, the thought of
losing you for good…that is something that he can’t handle. You need to let him
take care of you, okay? It’s the best way to make sure he’ll take care of
himself.”
“I will.” I sniffed loudly. “Thank you for telling me the truth, and I’m sorry
that he lost his temper and did something like this to you.”
He looked mortified. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything at all.”
“It just that…” I took a breath to calm myself, “no one deserves to be in pain.
No one deserves to suffer like that.”
He gave a sad smile. “You’re absolutely right…not even you. So, don’t go back
to that place anymore, okay. You don’t deserve to suffer either.” He smoothed
my hair back and I leaned into the touch. “Wow, your forehead is really hot. We
have to do something about this fever.”
He stood to leave again but I held onto him. “No, that doesn’t matter right
now.” I observed him and I could tell by his drooping shoulders and woeful eyes
that the guilt weighed on him. I gave his hand a squeeze. “Don’t beat yourself
up too much, Hoseok. People do crazy things when they’re in love; you’re as
much of a victim of it as the rest of us. I understand why you did what you did
and I forgive you. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t.”
His smile was like the sunrise and I couldn’t help but return it. “Really? You
would forgive me that easily after everything I’ve done and all the trouble I
caused?”
I nodded. “Really. As long as you genuinely regret it and don’t repeat it, how
could I hold a grudge against you? You did what you thought was right and I
refuse to judge you for it. We’ve all made mistakes; it’s human nature.”
“Wow.” I could see the color returning to his face. “Hey…how is it so easy for
you to believe me? You have absolutely no reason to trust me and I’m such a
good liar, but you’re accepting everything I’m saying like it’s nothing. Why?”
“What do you have to gain by telling me all this?”
He thought about it for a second. “I guess nothing.”
“Then why would you lie?” He didn’t answer. “I couldn’t trust it coming from
Yoongi because there is a perfect image of him in my head. Everything thing
from his speech patterns to the way he walks, it’s all perfectly preserved in
my memory. It wouldn’t be hard to project his image and make it say everything
I wanted to hear. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it.”
“That makes sense.” He stood. “Guess it’s time for me to go. Thanks for
listening to me, Taehyung. You really…you’re something else. I can see why…now
I know why he held on to you. If it were me I would do the same.” He ruffled my
hair playfully and I beamed at him. “You’re truly are something special.”
I was already fevered and overheated but a different warmth rushed through me
and soothed the flames. “I’m glad we could work it all out. And I don’t harbor
any ill will or anger towards you…don’t be a stranger, okay? Keep in touch.”
“I would really like that.”
“Hey, Hoseok. Since we’re cool and before I faint from this fever, could you
help me out with something?”
“Anything…what do you need?”
“It’s about Yoongi…”
Chapter End Notes
     Answers to the most obvious questions:
     1. Tae's actual time in the basement: 5 days.
     2. How many times Tae slept in the basement: Once, when he cried
     himself to sleep. Also, he fainted once and passed out from
     asphyxiation once. Because of the noise and the brightness, he
     doesn't rest for long. Also he only had one cup of broth and a bottle
     of water his entire time there.
     3. He is disoriented because he's hasn't had any rest, he's in and
     out of blank space, and he was tortured nearly his entire stay there.
     He has no concept of time because there's no way to mark its passage
     down there; he doesn't know if it's it day or night and he doesn't
     know how much time passes when he's out, either due to sleep,
     unconsciousness, or his blank space. That's why it seems so long to
     him.
     4. He still believes that Yoongi and Jungkook hate him, that's why
     it's so weird that they would come for him. He misunderstood a lot of
     Yoongi's words and actions.
     5. Taehyung hallucinated a lot. Like a lot a lot. Not just people
     either, he believed the fans were alive. Because every single thing
     was white from the floor to the ceiling, including his cage, he
     thought he was in an invisible prison.
     6. This passage: How was this possible? Why was he still here? Then I
     remembered…I was asleep. Then I dreamt while I was asleep and then
     fell asleep within that dream and then dreamt while sleeping in that
     dream then woke up but in that same dream that I fell asleep in...so
     I was still asleep, right? It's intentionally confusing to show Tae's
     state of mind. Don't try to figure it out...my kids tried it and it
     ended up in a huge argument about whether or not Tae was asleep, lol.
     There are a few other passages like that...remember they are
     intentionally confusing.
     7. Of course it's Jungkook that Yoongi is talking to; he has the most
     experience with Tae in this kind of situation. Yoongi is worried that
     he can't handle it and is seeking advice. He's falling apart.
     8. Taehyung's injuries: Bruised throat and neck; lacerations from
     sjambok beatings and flogging on his arms, shoulders, back; fractured
     tarsals in his hand (from the cane his first night there), bruised
     and disfigured face; bruised ribs; possible concussion; cuts inside
     of his mouth.
     9. Kim Taesuk really goes for Tae's face because he looks so much
     like his father.
     10. Tae accepted Hoseok's truth so quickly and forgave him even
     quicker...that's who Taehyung has always been. The bullies, his
     grandfather, Jungkook...it's one of his biggest flaws but that's why
     he's so special.
     If you can think of anything else, just ask. You know I'm always
     lurking here, either reading or replying.
     Up next:
     Chapter 51- Taegi (working title)
     Finally, Yoongi and Taehyung talk have a real conversation for the
     first time since the morning they left the dome. (It seems like it
     was so long ago, right?)
     I can't wait to see what you guys have to say. I hope you enjoy it,
     even if it's hard as hell to understand. See you next week!
***** Operation Taegi *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung speaks with each of his visitors individually; Yoongi fights
     to control his anger and jealousy. Taehyung enlists Hoseoks to help
     with an idea.
Chapter Notes
     Hello my lovelies! :-*
     It's been a while since I've posted right after midnight, so I bet
     many of you are surprised hehehe. For some reason I've been feeling
     inspired and the words are just flying out.
     I don't know how to explain this chapter...it's kind of like the
     intro for next chapter. Why you ask? Because it was originally all
     one chapter. Yes, it was ridiculously long and as of today reached 31
     pages...it's still growing! :( I couldn't do it to you guys again
     after last week's massive update, so I picked a point to stop and
     just cut it there and the other half will go up next week.
     It's been a long time since we've had any light and warm moments,
     right? I hope that you smile as much as I did while writing this.
     Enjoy!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
He could feel them staring and it only pissed him off more. He wanted to break
everything in sight. He wanted to punch somebody or something…anything. He
needed his room where everything was quiet and safe; he wanted to lock everyone
out and build a wall between himself and the world. He wanted to cry and scream
simultaneously and let the guilt devour him until there was nothing left.
He let this happen. He let it all happen to the person he loved most; the
person he swore to protect. Sure, Kim Taesuk was responsible for the physical
and mental damage. Jung Hoseok was guilty of keeping the knowledge of Tae’s
whereabouts secret for six years and causing so much confusion that it led to
Tae willingly going back to that monster. Even Jeon Jungkook played a part,
selfishly manipulating Tae to the point that he escaped into his head for days,
stealing away even more time. And Yoongi…
It was his fault because everything he touched turned to shit. He should never
have let Taehyung leave their home that morning all those years ago. He should
have held on and fought to keep him; his parents would have backed him up. But
he was a coward and he just let Taehyung walk right out of his life. He let the
loss break him and he became a weak, pitiful, mess of a human being because he
knew he should have tried harder. He knew he could have done better.
He regretted everything. He regretted letting Taehyung leave. He regretted not
following immediately. He regretted trusting someone else to find Taehyung. He
regretted going to Las Vegas…
That was probably his biggest regret. If he hadn’t gone, Taehyung would be
living happily with Jungkook. They’d probably be wearing their couple rings and
watching anime and hanging out with Namjoon and Jin. Taehyung would have been
safe and preparing for the bright future ahead of him. Jungkook had made sure
Tae was out of his grandfather’s reach. He could have been healthy and safe and
happy. But Yoongi pissed on all of it.
Why did he have to walk into that hotel? Why did he go downstairs for a drink
at that specific time and take a seat at that specific table? Why did he
recognize the laugh and why did he have to see that smile? That’s really what
caused all of this, his weakness for that smile. Once seen it couldn’t be
unseen and he knew he couldn’t turn away. He was lost before he realized
it—desperate to reclaim what he thought was his—and didn’t even consider the
fact that maybe Taehyung was better off where he was. He was selfish, just like
all the other culprits in this tragedy. If he had actually put Taehyung first
maybe none of this would have happened.
But it did happen and now Taehyung was in the other room; he didn’t even
recognize Yoongi. He didn’t want to see Yoongi. He didn’t want to talk to
Yoongi. His mind and his body were broken and the sight of him made Yoongi want
to send everything up in flames. He was losing it. He was losing it in a bad
way and the only thing that could stop it was having Taehyung in his sight, in
his arms. That’s the only thing that would put an end to the turmoil shredding
his insides. But he couldn’t have that. And it was just kick you in the dick,
spit in your eye fan-fucking-tastic. He could feel himself descending into
madness, into that dark space were doubts and insecurities reigned supreme and
love and hope died.
And as for the catalyst for this most recent shit show, the reason for their
unnecessary, prolonged separation, the piece of shit who had made Yoongi into a
liar and cheat…he was allowed to touch Taehyung, to spend alone time with
Taehyung. What kind of bullshit world did he wake up in?
The very thought of it quelled Yoongi’s prior train of thought and kicked his
rage into high gear; he wanted very much to finish what he started in
California. He wanted to kill Jung Hoseok. He wanted to kill him and paint the
walls with his viscera and then dance on his hollowed out carcass until his
feet fell off…but it would never happen. Not when there were so many people who
stood in his way.
He heard the door to the room open and Hoseok walked out; Yoongi was on his
feet in seconds, but so was his father. He temporarily, just for a second,
imagined bowling over his father just to get to the snake who had done so much
damage…he let the moment pass. He knew that his dad was only trying to protect
him by keeping him from doing something he would regret later. The regret part
was debatable because Yoongi was sure that he would be okay with ending that
bastard. If only his father would take a seat…
“Son, focus on Taehyung. He’s what matters.”
Yoongi frowned, wondering if he was fast enough to go around…then his mother
spoke up.
“You really need to get a grip, kid,” Yun Hee warned from her seat on the sofa.
She sat there clutching the armrest and tapping her foot nervously. “Because if
you do anything to upset Taehyung I swear… I love you, Yoongs, more than life
itself. You are the only child born from my flesh and I treasure you more than
anything, you know this. But from the moment we set foot in this room, from the
moment I saw him, from the moment I saw and knew what that bastard did to my
baby…everything else fell away. Nothing else matters to me right now, not your
bullshit anger or your childish vendetta.” She looked up at him, wet fiery eyes
burning holes through his body. “Beyond making sure he’s okay and keeping him
safe, I don’t care about anything else. If you don’t calm that shit down, I’m
going to have do it for you. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes…do you
understand? Do you hear my words and feel the emotion behind them? Do you
believe that I mean what I say, because I need you to know that I’m not
bullshitting you. If you want to test me, feel free?”
Yoongi scowled at her and then at his father before taking his seat again. He
watched the asshole go over to Namjoon and whisper something. Namjoon stood and
followed him into the room.
A few minutes later Hoseok came out again and dashed out the front door. What
was going on in there?
                                     *****
“Hoseok says that you’re real, too. Are you?”
“I am,” Namjoon replied seriously.
He looked at Hoseok warily, who nodded, then he returned his attention to
Namjoon. “Then where is Jinnie?”
“I didn’t want to make it too obvious who I was visiting here in case I’m being
watched. If Jin and I both came to the same hotel, it might give away your
location. You know that Uncle is probably looking for you right now. So I kept
it a secret.”
“I want to see him. Not right now…I can’t…Yoongi-hyung is waiting,” Taehyung
said with a small smile. He hugged himself, closing his eyes for a while
swooning; Hoseok and Namjoon shared a look. Even in his condition, he was
adorable. “I feel like he’s too far away from me. I really can’t wait to see
him.”
“I’m going to go and get the things you asked for. I’ll be right back,” Hoseok
said.
“If you can’t find it all, it’s okay. Thank you for being so helpful. I really
appreciate it.”
“I’ll get everything, don’t worry.”
He smiled as he watched Hoseok leave, then held out his arms to Namjoon who
rushed into them.
He hugged his cousin tightly. “You’re going to kill us one day. You have no
idea how worried we’ve been the last few days. Am I squeezing too hard? If I
am, forgive me, but I’m not going to stop, ok.”
“Okay, hyung.” He let Namjoon get his fill before he sat back and peered into
Namjoon’s eyes. “Days? Haven’t I been gone for much longer?”
“It’s been less than a week…five days, give or take a few house.” Taehyung
frowned at that. “I swear, between you and Jungkook…”
“Jungkookie?” He leaned forward “Did something happen to my Jungkook?”
“Nothing that you should be worried about,” his cousin soothed.
“Oh…yeah.” He played with the bottom of his t-shirt, wringing it between his
fingers. “I have no right after everything that happened.”
“What are you talking about? What happened?”
“I broke his heart when I chose Yoongi. I called him right after I met with
Hoseok to ask him if I could come home. He said he can’t stand seeing my face
and told me to stay away.” He held up his right hand to show Namjoon the ring.
“He promised me we would still be best friends, but he was only trying not to
hurt my feelings. He hates me, hyung.”
“That’s definitely not true. He’s been worried out of his mind about you. He
was the one who found you first, Taehyung. He’s still very much in love with
you.”
“He what? But…” Taehyung blanked out for a second before coming back. “Then
where is he? There’s no way he would stay away if he still…why didn’t he come?”
“He’ll come soon but not today. He and Jin are working on other things. But
trust me if he could be here he would be.” Namjoon didn’t want to give Taehyung
any cause for worrying. He needed to focus on getting better and Jungkook’s
situation would deter that. “We’re all working together to make sure you never
have to see Grandfather again. I’m only here because you need medical
treatment. But I have to go back to them soon so we can figure out how to take
the old man down.”
“It’s unnecessary. He was only trying to help me. I need to apologize...I got
him involved in this. I promised him that I wouldn’t quit…” He bit his lip
nervously. “He’s going to think I quit and then I’ll never earn his
forgiveness.”
Namjoon stared, dumbfounded. “What are you talking about? Taehyung, you don’t
owe him an apology. He did this to you! He hurt you and I don’t think I can
ever forgive him.”
“It’s not his fault. I asked for his help and he took me in when there was no
one else.”
“Maybe we should save the serious talk for another time.” He grabbed Taehyung’s
good hand. “So, what do you and Hoseok have planned?”
“I feel bad for making Yoongi worry so I’m going to try and make him feel
better. Speaking of which…I feel like shit, Joonie. Everything hurts and I’m
burning up. My back is itchy in a bad way and it feels like it’s throbbing…so
is my head…so is my hand. Everything actually, and it’s painful. Could you
check me out again? I just want to be able to not pass out on him...even if
it’s a little while.”
“Let’s see what’s happening under those bandages.” He helped remove the
younger’s t-shirt and started to unwrap him.
                                     *****
After a while Namjoon poked his head out. “Mrs. Min…could you come in for a
second?” My mother nearly twisted her ankle trying to get in there; she didn’t
even spare Appa and me a second glance. It wasn’t much later that Hoseok
returned; Seung Gi gave Yoongi a warning glare before he went to let him in.
Hoseok came back with two oversized store bags hanging from his good arm; he
jetted directly into Taehyung’s room.
Yoongi could feel the animosity intensifying; he dug his fingernails into his
leg and used the pain as a distraction.
                                     *****
“Eomma…” he whined, making grabby hands. Yun Hee crossed the room in large
strides and, after taking in the state of his arms and shoulders, carefully
embraced the frail, shirtless figure before sinking down next to him. “You’re
really here! I can touch you…” he buried his face in her neck, “and smell you.
Is it really happening? Eomma, is it really you? Don’t..I don’t deserve it, I
don’t deserve you.”
“What is this nonsense you’re speaking? You deserve the world and the stars and
the whole universe and I’m going to give them all to you, my lovely son.” Her
tears watered his scalp. “Finally…finally I get to hold you in my arms after
all this time. I’m so happy, my Tae baby. I’m so happy and I missed you so
much.”
“Eomma Yun, I missed you so, so much,” he cried into her neck as she stroked
his hair. “I’ve been waiting to see you for such a long time. I didn’t like
being away from you. I didn’t like it at all.”
“Shh…don’t cry my beautiful boy, my Tae-baby. I’m here. I’m here and I’m not
going anywhere. They’re going to have to pry you from my cold, dead fingers,”
she said, chuckling sadly. She eyed the the still weeping wounds covering his
shoulders and arms again. “My poor, poor baby.” She carefully cradled his face
in her hands, inspecting the damage. “Shit…kid what did that monster do to you?
Why would you go back there?”
“I felt like I needed to go back, because I hurt so many people. I was bad,
Eomma. It was the only way to make it up to everybody…that’s what I thought at
least. I’m sorry for making you worry. You shouldn’t worry about somebody like
me, I’ll always be okay. But I really am sorry.”
“The thing about mothers is that we never stop worrying. Even if I covered you
in bubble wrap and locked you in an empty room with no windows and I had the
only key to the door, I would worry if I wrapped you too tightly or if you
would get too lonely or if you would get overheated…that comes with being a
parent. There’s no need to apologize for it.” She leaned in and gently kissed
his nose; he screwed up his face in delight, grimacing more than grinning.
“Poor baby…does it hurt much?” She passed her hands over the many bumps,
bruises, and cuts on his face. “And you have a fever, too.”
“I’m fine. It hurts, but it’s not that bad.”
“You need medicine.”
He shivered at the thought. “I don’t like to take it. I don’t like how it makes
me feel, all out of it and woozy.”
“Sweetheart, you’re surrounded by people who love you…” she threw a hate-filled
glare towards the door, “and Hoseok.”
Taehyung frowned, shaking his head even though it made the whole room spin.
“Don’t be that way. He already feels bad enough about what he did. You
shouldn’t hold on to hate, Eomma. What good is it to do that? It takes more
effort to hate him than it does to forgive, right? You don’t have to forget
what he did, but you also don’t have to live in it. I’d rather your energy went
to good things…like giving me more hugs maybe? You can hug me very, very
agressively if you want.”
She smiled. “Since when did you get so wise, kiddo? I’ll consider what you
said, but I’m not ready to let go of my anger yet. It’s still too fresh.” She
pet his head lightly. “My point was if there’s anybody you can be woozy with,
it’s us. Let us take care of you. Let me do my job, precious.”
“Actually, that’s why I called you in here. I need your help. See, Joon is
doing such a good job with the medical aspect of things, but he’s being a
complete wuss about the rest. He’s too afraid to bathe me and clean the open
wounds because he thinks it will hurt me.”
“And we don’t want those wounds to get further infected,” Namjoon added. Yun
Hee noticed that his hands were shaking before turning back to Taehyung. “There
is an accumulation of dried pus in some of his wounds. It’s going to be painful
to remove it and then clean it while he’s awake. If one of us cleans and the
other comforts him, I think we can get through it.”
“I’m sure I’ve been through worse,” Taehyung said, rolling his eyes. “Eomma,
I’m sweaty and I feel so dirty…I feel filthy. Unclean.” His eyes went to his
lap. “I want to wash it off..all of it. I don’t want anyone else to see me like
this, especially Yoongi-hyung. I’m embarrassed to even ask, but…”
“Aw, honey, why would you be embarrassed when it’s me?”
“I really don’t want you to see the damage…my back is the worst and I don’t
want you to imagine bad things…” he took a breath. “But, you’re my mother,
right? You won’t judge me because I let this happen…because I asked him to…” He
played with his fingers anxiously. “And it’s not as bad as it looks, I promise,
pain is nothing to me. I can bear it. I’m…I’m good. But more than anything I
don’t want you to think less of me.”
“Of course I won’t judge you.” She hugged him again, teary-eyed. “I think I
understand how you felt and I know exactly why you felt that way. I’m so sorry,
sweetie. I’m sorry that you heard so many ugly things and I’m sorry you thought
that going there was your only option. But let’s not dwell on it, okay? We’re
together, you’re safe, and Eomma’s going to take good care of you.” She turned
to Namjoon. “Can you get me the stuff I need? Warm water, soap, towels.” She
felt Taehyung’s forehead again. “Also, do you have something for fever in your
bag?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Ma’am? Ugh…” she frowned. “Okay, well I’ll need that and some water for him to
drink as well.” Namjoon nodded and hurried off to the bathroom to fetch what
she needed.
“But, Eomma, I don’t want to take…”
She silenced Taehyung with one look. “You’re going to take it if I have to
force it down your throat. How else are you going to get better?”
“I-I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…” he teared up again. “I’ll take it if that’s what
you want.”
Her faced softened. “Oh, no…sweetie, don’t cry.” She wrapped him securely in
her arms. “It’s been so long and I’m so accustomed to talking to Yoongi that
way. I’m not scolding you, you didn’t do anything wrong. My worry took over for
a second?” He nodded against her. “I’m going to have to learn to be gentler.
You won’t hold it against me, right sweetheart?”
“It’s fine, I’m okay, really. It’s just I’m tired and the headaches and the
fever and so much is happening all at once and too fast…I’m not this sensitive
usually. My head is still fuzzy and I’m still having trouble believing that all
of this is happening. You don’t have to baby me, Eomma. I’m tough, too.”
“I know you’re tough and I know how much strength it’s taken for you to survive
for all these years. But I’m here now, and I’m telling you that you don’t have
to be…not in front of me. I want to be gentler for you because I feel like you
haven’t had that in a while. I know you, and I know how easy it is for you to
take care of others but neglect yourself. Let me pick up the slack. It’s okay
if you want to cry or whine or be soft. I want to be the one who gets to baby
you. As your mother, that’s my job.”
With teary eyes he leapt at her, embracing as tightly as his strength would
allow. “Okay. As long as you don’t think I’m weak.” He let her go, mistakenly
believing that he was hurting her.
“How could I? But I can pretend, that way I can delude myself into believing
that you still need me.”
“It’s no delusion, Eomma. I do need you. I always will.”
“That…” she sniffled before embracing him again and kissing his forhead, “you
have no how happy it makes me to hear that.” She let him go and stood as
Namjoon entered with an armload of stuff. “I’ll try harder to to control my
mouth, okay?” Taehyung nodded cutely before pressing his fingers to his temple;
Yun Hee smiled at him adoringly. “Now let’s get you clean. I bet you’re anxious
to see that idiot, right? He’s probably going crazy out there.”
“He’s really out there. He’s real and he still loves me and I want to see him
so bad, Eomma. I need him here. My mind is all frazzled and I can’t make sense
of anything else but him. That means a lot, right?” He smiled brightly,
flinching slightly at the pain it took to use his facial muscles. She returned
it, putting as much of heart and soul into the small gesture as possible. Then
she and Namjoon went to work.
They didn’t even look up when Hoseok breezed into the room and went to work
setting things up. They didn’t notice when he left either.
                                     *****
“Oh, give me a fucking break. What are they doing in there?” He stood and
started pacing again. “What is taking so fucking long? And why did Hoseok have
those bags?”
“Calm down, son.”
“How? What if something happened? What if he took a turn for the worst? What if
he’s in there dying and I’m out here letting it happen? Appa…” He covered his
face with his hands, letting his fingertips dig harshly into his skin. “What if
I lose him for good this time?”
Seung Gi forced his son’s hands away from his face. “I’m sure if it was
something like that Namjoon would tell you. I think you’re letting your
emotions get the best of you. You should meditate.”
“Fuck meditating. I want to see him.”
“Is this how you want to greet him? Like a wild-eyed maniac with no self
control? Do you want to scare him away? Don’t you think he’s been through
enough?”
Yoongi heard his former best friend bustling about in the kitchen. The urge to
sprint over to him and choke him until he was unconscious was great, just to
take the edge off; he pulled out his phone instead, checking emails and
eventually playing a game. It wasn’t the time or place for that. He needed a
better outlet for his anger and anxiety and his phone would just have to do…for
now.
He wanted to know badly what was happening in the other room, but he had no
choice but to wait it out. He was contemplating bursting into the room at this
point. Whatever they were doing in there, it was taking far too long. Enough
was enough. He just wanted to make sure Taehyung was okay. Even if only for a
few seconds, he wanted to see him, too.
He restlessly tapped his heel against the floor as he browsed the Forbes
website, not really paying attention to the articles, just doing something to
keep his hands busy.
More than an hour went by and Hoseok was still in the kitchen, but it was much
quieter in there now. Yoongi suspected he stayed in there to avoid another
confrontation; Hoseok was a very smart man. But without someone to focus his
anger on, Yoongi was a tightly coiled ball of frustration. So, he continued
scrolling through his phone, quietly stewing.
When the door opened again, he leapt to his feet; his father did the same. When
he saw that it was only Namjoon towing his heavy medical bag, he flopped back
onto the sofa angrily.
“Mr. Min, Taehyung is asking to see you.”
Yoongi groaned loudly before looking at his father, who sat there deep in
thought. He could tell that the man wanted to go in there, but he was probably
worried about what would happen if he left. And while Yoongi was jealous as
fuck, he didn’t want to be the reason his father didn’t get to go in there.
“I’m not going to go crazy, so stop worrying,” Yoongi grumbled. “I’ve probably
already scared Taehyung enough for one day. Just go if you want to go. You have
my word that I won’t do anything stupid.”
“You sure, son? I could wait and we could go together…”
“I know you’re just as worried as the rest of us, besides, he asked
specifically for you. Go. I’ll be fine.”
He wrapped an arm around Yoongi’s shoulder and pulled him close. “I’m so proud
of you.”
“Whatever,” Yoongi scowled, pushing him away. “Just go. He’s waiting.” He went
back to scrolling though the articles, not wanting to see his father walk
through the door that he wasn’t allowed to go through. He felt Namjoon plop
down next to him.
“Hey, we need to talk.”
Yoongi panicked. “Is he okay? Is something wrong? Is it even more serious than
it looks?”
“In a way it’s about his injuries. I think he might need a cast for his hand
and I’m really worried about how his brain is working…he needs x-rays. Of
course I’m not capable of doing something like that here, hell, I don’t even
know how. I shouldn’t be doing any of this actually since I’m not a medical
doctor of the body, just the mind. He needs real treatment. But that’s what I
want to talk to you about. I think it’s time to make a move against Uncle.”
“It’s about fucking time,” he growled. “It only took you this long.”
Namjoon frowned. “Don’t act like I haven’t done the best I could for Tae. You
weren’t even there, so don’t you dare…”
“Later for your righteous bullshit, okay. I’m not trying to pick a fight, I’m
just…fuck, I’m just not in a good place. Ignore it.”
“Oh…well, I guess I can understand. It has to be hardest for you.”
He glared at Namjoon. “You have no idea.”
Namjoon swallowed nervously. “It’s just that we’ve never had this many people
who knew about the situation. And with your family’s status and positions and
those two detectives, we might finally have a chance to legally get Uncle out
of our lives…that is if you’re willing to help.”
“You’re saying it like I would have to think it over or something. I would do
anything, do you hear me, anything to make sure that sadistic fuck pays for
what he’s done. I was already planning to make a move and hit him where it
really hurts…financially. But what do you have in mind?”
“I took pictures of Tae’s injuries.” He handed over his phone and Yoongi
scrolled quickly through the images. “I figure we could hand these over to
those detectives and they could get the ball rolling on pressing charges
against Uncle. But I have a feeling this won’t be evidence enough.” He accepted
his phone back from Yoongi. “We need documentation, real solid, irrefutable
proof. That means getting Taehyung to go to the hospital. That’s where you come
in.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’ll do it if you ask him.”
“What makes you think that? Haven’t you guys tried for years? Even Jungkook
couldn’t get him to go.”
“Just trust me. Not only will we have proof then that he’s been abused, but we
can get him proper care. I’m worried that maybe I’m missing something and I
wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened. Try to make him see
reason, okay?” He gave Yoongi a comforting pat on the leg, before standing. “I
have to go and break the news to Jin that I’ve been hiding Tae from him, as per
Taehyung’s instructions. Pray for me.”
“You got it. And thanks for taking care of him so well. Thanks for everything.”
“I don’t need thanks. He’s my family…” He rubbed the back of his neck
uncomfortably. “You, too. It’s no big deal.” His deep dimples flashed for a
second as he hid a smile. “And just for the sake of your sanity…he’s just as
anxious to see you. He’s a bit worse off actually.” He grinned at the frozen
man. “See you tomorrow.” He walked into the kitchen and briefly spoke to Hoseok
before leaving.
Yoongi sat for a while letting the words play over and over again in his head
before he went back to scrolling through his phone ; he was a little less
angrier than he was before.
                                     *****
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Appa…I’m not made of glass. You can squeeze tighter if you want. I asked
Joonie to wrap it thicker this time so that I could hug better.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t do that with me in mind, did you?”
“Appa…” Taehyung whined. “Hug me harder.”
Taehyung sat sandwiched between the two of them, both had an arm wrapped around
him with their heads resting on him; Yunhee occupied a shoulder while Seung Gi
took up the top of his head.
“I don’t want to…aggravate anything,” the man said.
“He’s such a softie, isn’t he, Tae-baby?” Yun Hee teased. “He’s treating you
like a newborn.”
“I’m just being careful. He’s so…” He looked at Yun Hee who gave him a look.
“…tiny. The kid looks like he’ll break into pieces if I breathe on him too
hard.” Yun Hee nodded her approval.
Taehyung didn’t even notice the exchange. “No I don’t!” He pouted cutely. “I’m
bigger than Yoongi even.”
“Ah, so sweet!” Yun Hee cooed. “Have you ever seen anything this precious in
your life, GiGi?”
“Hmmm…I can think of something more precious. I do recall a very adorable
little boy who believed that I could pull stars out of the sky,” he said,
ruffling Taehyung’s hair. “But they were only sparklers.” He laughed loudly.
“His eyes would get so wide and he would giggle so cutely…he thought I was a
wizard for like three years.”
“I remember that,” Yun Hee said laughing. “Remember when we tricked him into
thinking his belly button was an on/off switch. He would stand still for
minutes, pleading with his eyes for us to turn him back on so he could go and
play.”
“You guys did that to me? That’s mean,” Taehyung whined.
“But Gigi, even cuter than that was the little boy who thought wearing his
underpants outside of his shorts would help him fly. Remember when he jumped
from the second floor landing…”
“I thought he was going to break his neck! He was so rambunctious and
adventurous while our Yoongi was a lump.” The Mins burst into laughter. “Ooh,
remember when he went to the park dressed like that?” Seung Gi added.
“Oh yeah! He thought if he slid down fast enough face first…”
“That’s enough, it’s so embarrassing,” Tae grumbled, interrupting them. “I
don’t remember any of that stuff,” he lied. “I’m an adult now.”
“Do you really not remember or are you just suppressing it?” Seung Gi teased.
“Ah, Yunnie, he was such a cute kid…he’s just as cute now.”
“Kids are baby goats. And I bet you don’t go around calling Yoongi-hyung cute.
It’s so unfair. I’m a man now,” Taehyung whined. “I’m not cute, I’m handsome,
right, Eomma?”
“Don’t look to me, kid, I said it first. You’ll always be my cutie pie Tae-
baby.” She planted a gentle kiss on his cheek, before giggling. “I’m going to
see how Hoseok is coming along with the food, okay?” Taehyung smiled brightly
at her; they both watched her leave.
Taehyung got serious as soon as she left. “Appa…how is he holding up out there?
He's not falling apart again.”
“It’s bad, but not that bad. He’s about ready to explode from jealousy." He
laughed loudly. "He’ll be better once he can get in here, but he’s going to
have to wait for a while, right?”
“Right, just a little while longer. I don’t want to make him to worry too much,
but I’ve been wanting to see you for so long. I want to see him too, but since
I’m going to keep him by my side forever he can wait a few minutes.”
“He deserves it, the brat. Now he’s getting a taste of what it feels like to be
us. Thanks for that, Tae.”
“Glad I could help,” Taehyung said, playing along.
“Are you feeling better? For real, don’t tell me what you think I want to
hear.”
Taehyung bit his lip. “No. Eomma is making me take some medicine for the pain
and the fever, but I have to wait until I eat something. Truthfully, I feel
like I’m dying but don’t tell them that. I don’t want them to worry more than
they are. Honestly, I’m starting to feel numb so it’s not too bad.
“That’s not good, kid.”
“I’m used to stuff like this, really. I know how to deal with it.” He gave
Seung Gi a squeeze. “I’m just so happy that all of you are here that I’m not
paying attention to it.”
“You gave us quite a scare. Don’t ever run off like that again, okay? I’m going
gray because of you.”
“I thought you were going gray because you’re old.” Seung Gi gave him a light
smack on his leg, which made Taehyung laugh again. “Appa, hyung told me that
you never stopped looking for me. I’m grateful that you cared so much for me,
but I’m sorry you had to go through so much trouble.”
“What trouble? I would move mountains for you if I could, kid. You’re my son as
much as Yoongi is. You know that.”
“I know. I feel so lucky to have you and Eomma. It’s more than I deserve,
really.”
“It’s exactly what you deserve and then some.” He gave Taehyung another gentle
squeeze. “So, you and Hoseok…what happened there?”
“I forgave him. I don’t think he’s a bad person. Misguided, yes, but bad…I
don’t think so.”
“I thought the same thing. I guess someone was listening to me all those years
ago when I preached about being understanding, empathetic, and forgiving.”
Taehyung beamed, nodding. “It definitely wasn’t Yoongi…he won’t listen to
reason.”
“I’ll work on him, Appa. I promise.”
Just then Yun Hee and Hoseok came in, arms laden with trays of food. Seung Gi
stood up, grabbing the tray from the injured Hoseok and helping them to situate
the food on the bed. Taehyung stood to help too and was immediately admonished
by all three of them.
“I’m fine,” he assured them as they clamored around him, checking bandages and
pressing hands to his forehead and neck. “I just wanted to help…and to say
goodbye properly.”
“You’re kicking us out?” Yun Hee asked with mock outrage. “I bet it’s for that
twerp out there. You could do so much better than him, Tae.”
“Agreed,” Hoseok muttered under his breath; the others ignored it.
“Let me find someone better for you,” Yun Hee pleaded playfully. “Though I
doubt there’s anybody out there good enough for our Tae-baby.”
“But he’s your son!” Taehyung giggled. “He’s perfect. How could he be anything
else when you two made him?”
“But he’s surly,” Yun Hee said. “And cold.”
“And mean,” Hoseok added warily.
Yun Hee nodded, but didn't make eye contact. “And gloomy.”
“He is a bit of a worry wart,” an introspective Seung Gi added. “And stuffy.”
Taehyung looked at him, completely shocked. “Et tu, Appa?”
“Well he is…and melodramatic.”
“And anal,” Hoseok said, frowning.
“Finicky is a better word,” Yun Hee corrected.
"Possibly a vampire?" Seung Gi asked looking at the other two.
"Maybe...he does like the dark, GiGi."
"And he's absurdly strong for someone so small." Hoseok said, holding back a
smile.
“Hey, he’s none of those things,” Taehyung argued. They all stared at him with
blatant disbelief. “Okay, maybe some of the things you said at the beginning,
but he is definitely not a vampire. A criminal overlord maybe or a pirate
spaceship captain, but not a vampire. He could be a robot too..." They all
laughed at me. "The important thing is that he's none of those other things
with me. He’s sweet and funny and kind and gentle. Yoongi-hyung is super
romantic, extremely loyal, and he takes care of me very well. He's shines...
There’s no one better out there than my Yogi, not for me. You can say whatever
you want but he’s still the best in my eyes.”
“See...” Yun Hee said, elbowing Seung Gi in the side and grinning. “How did we
get so lucky? He’ll even fight against us for our son.”
“Let’s give them their alone time. I’m guessing Yoongi is ready to knock down a
wall to get in here right about now,” Seung Gi said with a small smile. “But we
will come back tomorrow, and you two had better let us in. C’mere kid,” he said
opening his arms.
“Please do.” He stumbled a bit as he stepped into the warm embrace of the Mins.
Hoseok stepped away to draw the heavy drapes and block out the light. “Not too
early though, because I’m sure hyung hasn’t been sleeping or eating well. I’m
going to make him eat first and then rest.”
“We have such a good son, GiGi. We’re blessed.” Yun Hee kissed his cheek while
Seung Gi kissed the top of his head. “Take care, sweetie. Call us tomorrow when
you’re ready for us to visit.” They reluctantly let him go. “Don’t forget. I
never got the chance to spoil you the way I wanted to in Vegas. You owe me.”
“I promise I’ll call. See you tomorrow.”
Seung Gi had to steer Yun Hee from the room; she blew kisses the entire way
out.
“Shall we?” he asked Hoseok, who nodded. “What can I do?”
“Sit. Just get off of your feet for a second. I’ll do the rest.” He flitted
around the room, setting everything up exactly the way Taehyung asked. Within
minutes he was done and turning everything on; Tae oohed and gave a gentle,
quiet round applause being extremely careful with his wrapped hand. Then he
stood and held out his arms to Hoseok; the older walked uneasily into his
embrace, gripping a bouquet of flowers.
“This isn’t necessary at all. You shouldn’t hug me like this…not after
everything I’ve done.”
“Can you sit with me for a while?”
“But Yoongi…”
“I feel like I’m going to die if I don’t see him soon but you are important,
too.” Taehyung weakly tugged at his sleeve until he sat. “Thank you for helping
me to set this up. Thank you for helping me to do something special for him.”
“I did it for you…to try to make up for what I did. I don’t think I can ever
fix it completely, I can’t turn back time. But I can try to be a better me now,
right?”
“You can,” Tae said, smiling gently at him. “And don’t think I’ll be okay with
it if you leave this room and disappear on me…unless you’re only being this
nice to me because of your guilt.”
“I do feel guilty but that’s not why I’m being nice. I really did have the
wrong idea about you; the letter you wrote made me see it. After all the things
I said to you, how I treated you, you didn’t badmouth me once. And after I
heard your story…I regret everything and I’m honestly sorry.”
“Apologizing once was good enough for me. Clean slate, right? I’m moving on so
you should too. I'm going to leave the past in the past.” He grabbed Hoseok’s
free hand. “Thanks again for everything you did today and for taking care of
Yoongi for such a long time. I’ll never be able to repay you.”
“You don’t owe me anything at all. Just take care of yourself, that’s all the
thanks I need.”
“And don’t worry about everybody else. They’ll come around eventually. You’re
not a bad person, I can tell. You just made a mistake.”
“Don’t worry about me. Eat something and rest. Enjoy your time with Yoongi.”
“You’ll come back, right?”
“Maybe not tomorrow, so that you can have time with the others. I don’t want to
make anybody uncomfortable.”
“Okay…as long as you come back.” Taehyung gave him a weak hug. “Goodbye,
Hoseok.”
“Goodbye, Taehyung.” When they let go, he handed over the bouquet and hurried
from the room without looking back, closing the door behind him.
Taehyung smiled slightly, hopeful that Hoseok would be able to forgive himself
in time. He forced himself to stand again, even though he was in danger of
fainting. The room spun weirdly around him and it made him wobbly, but he
focused on a fixed point and was able to regain his balance.
He stood there facing the door, smiling with the bouquet in his good hand and
waiting for the person he wanted to see most.
                                     *****
Yoongi hated that door. He hated the wall too. What he really needed right now
was a sledgehammer so he could knock that motherfucker down. But that would
probably scare the shit out of Tae. It was the only thing keeping him in check.
That and the fact that Namjoon said that Tae was waiting for him too.
He paced back and forth, constantly checking the time.
It had been exactly twenty-three minutes since his mother and Hoseok went into
the room with a bunch of the food he had ordered from room service earlier. He
couldn’t help thinking that it was a bit unfair that he had put in so much
effort to take care of Taehyung, yet everyone else got to reap the benefits.
They were in there, even that scumbag Hoseok, talking and laughing and eating
together while Yoongi had to wait outside alone. He was locked out of all of
it.
He was trying to figure out exactly what he had done to deserve such callous
treatment when he felt a gentle smack upside his head.
“Why do you look so murderous, kid?” his mother asked.
“It’s nothing. How is he?”
“Better. He’s the same Taehyung I remember.” She frowned. “But he’s holding a
lot back, I can tell. He probably doesn’t want to be a burden to us.”
“He never was that good at taking care of himself...always putting others
first. He’s such a good boy,” Seung Gi added. “But at least he’s safe and he
has us to help him through it this time, right?”
“Right,” Yoongi muttered. “He has ‘us’…”
His parents shared a knowing look, both holding in laughter at their son’s
jealousy. They both wanted to stick around and witness the reunion but after
everything the couple had gone through, the meddlesome parents decided that
alone time was what those two needed most. “Well, we’re going to get out of
here and let him rest. Make sure you eat something and get some sleep, too,”
his father ordered, pulling him in for a tight hug.
His mother hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. “And don’t forget to take
your meds tonight.”
Just then Hoseok burst from the room and rushed past us…it looked like he was
crying. He didn’t bother to say anything, he just left.
Yun Hee looked up at her husband. “I think that’s our cue.” She cradled
Yoongi’s face in her hands. “Don’t fuck this up, Yoongi, I swear I will kill
you.”
“Hag,” he teased, halfheartedly. He was suddenly nervous. “Appa…” His father
gave his shoulder a squeeze. He walked them to the door. “See you later?”
He and his wife shared a look. “We…erm…have a few things to take care of today
while we’re in town. We’ll come back tomorrow, okay?”
“You think he’s really okay in there, GiGi? Maybe I should run back just to
peek in and make sure he doesn’t need anything.” She frowned. “Just a quick
peek,” she started back towards the room, but her husband grabbed her hand.
“But I want to see how it all turned out,” she whispered loudly. Yoongi cocked
an eyebrow and looked at his father.
“Why are you just standing there? Go ahead and take care of him well. He’s been
waiting for you long enough, don’t you think? Later.” Seung Gi smiled as he
pulled a protesting Yun Hee from the room, the door sealing shut with finality.
He turned to the door that had given him so much grief this entire time, closed
his eyes, and took a long deep breath to calm himself. He could feel a calling;
something entreating him to move forward... “Tae,” he whispered. He didn’t
realize he had moved until he stood right in front of the door with his hand on
the knob. He didn’t know why he was so nervous when he had been so anxious, so
ready to get in there the entire time.
Maybe it was because he still felt responsible for everything that went wrong.
His hands shook as he turned the knob and stepped through the threshold.
His first thought was that he had taken a wrong turn somewhere between outside
of the room and inside of it and ended up on the other side of the world
because it was night time now and there was a sky in this room. It was an
honest-to-God, genuine sky with real stars and real constellations and it was
so beautiful that he wouldn’t have been able to tear his eyes away…if it
weren’t for him. Yoongi could have looked up at it all day if it weren’t for
him.
There standing next to the bed, suffused in the dim, gentle light emitting from
the million-stranded lattice of fairy lights blanketing the floor and holding a
huge bouquet of his favorite sunflowers…looking so delicate and frail, yet
extraordinarily strong at the same time, was the very lovely Kim Taehyung.
He stood there trembling slightly, either from strain or anticipation, staring
at Yoongi with a timid smile. To Yoongi, he was the reason why hummingbirds
hummed, why spring sprung…he held all the secrets to the universe in those
beautiful chocolate pools he called eyes and the answers to all life’s
questions in his miraculous smile.
Taehyung was love, he was life, he was everything.
Yoongi simply could not fathom how even though he was gravely injured,
extremely weak, and half out of his mind, Tae still thought of him first.
Although he should have been resting and healing, he somehow pulled off this
extremely romantic gesture that transported Yoongi back in time to all their
best moments. The sky, the smell of sunflowers, and the fairy lights were all
elements from their most treasured memories...stargazing in the garden, their
first night together, their time in the dome. It felt amazing to have this kind
of love again...a selfless, generous, comprehensive, and overwhelming love that
strengthened and enriched his life. He began to question how he survived so
many years without it, how had he lived for so long without feeling these
feelings? It was sin; life without Taehyung was a sin.
Yoongi fought the impulse to run over and sweep the younger into his arms and
embrace him until they became one person. He and Taehyung in one body, sharing
one heart and breathing one breath…he could imagine it so clearly, so vividly,
and even though he knew it was an impossibility he wanted to at least try. He
held himself back only because the last time Tae had seen him he was an irate,
raving, profanity-yelling maniac trying desperately to get his hands around
Hoseok’s throat. He worried Taehyung would be scared if he rushed over to him.
And he didn’t want to go to him slowly like some kind of creepy stalker. It
seemed as if there was no right move to make so Yoongi stayed still. Everything
he ever wanted was standing a few feet away and he couldn’t bring himself to
reach out and take it.
“Yogi-hyung, you’re here,” Taehyung spoke quietly and somewhat unsurely into
the room. “You’re real and you’re finally here. It’s you…it’s really you and
you’re with me.” He smiled brightly and Yoongi felt the world flip on it’s axis
to set everything right again. The bad part…all of it was over. It was done and
he and Taehyung could finally be together. Finally. “I feel like I’ve been
waiting a lifetime for you, my Yogi.”
Chapter End Notes
     So...not much happened but so much happened, right?
     1. Seems our dear Yoongi is slipping... :(
     2. Which interaction did you enjoy the most? I'm quite partial to the
     Taehyung/Yun Hee/Seung Gi/Hoseok exchange close to the end when they
     went in on Yoongi. Also, did you catch that 'my Jungkook' while he
     was talking to Namjoon? I'm like, Taehyung...chill. My poor little
     Taekook heart can't take it and you had better not let Yoongi hear
     it...or maybe you should. :(
     3. What did you guys think of Taehyung's surprise? He's such a
     lovesick idiot and Yoongi is just as bad, lol. Even on such short
     notice, he was able to do something meaningful. The boy is precious
     af.
     4. Sad that the part you were supposed to read this week got pushed
     back to next week.
     5. Hoseok...I'm still angry, but thanks for trying. Don't give up on
     me.
     As always, see you in the comments my loves. I can't wait to hear
     your thoughts about it all. :-*
     Next Update:
     Chapter 52 - Heart Wide Open
     Taehyung tries hard to relay his feelings. Yoongi tries to make
     Taehyung see things his way.
***** Hearts Wide Open Under a Starry Sky *****
Chapter Summary
     Plans for a quiet, romantic reunion take a left turn...
Chapter Notes
     It's a good thing that this chapter was already done by Sunday or
     else there would be no update. I haven't written anything since
     Sunday night. You all already know why. He was my bias (along with
     Minho) in Shinee and I'm having the toughest time recovering. I
     connected with him emotionally because of how outspoken he was about
     depression, despite the issue being hampered by Korean society. Those
     of you who have talked to me in the comments or in my dms know that I
     survived a rough bout of depression after a rape and an abusive
     marriage. So, it wasn't some superficial idol/fan relationship for
     me. He was like an advocate in my eyes, someone who could get people
     to listen because I couldn't. And losing him...it hurts. It hurts so
     bad.
     I've been avoiding FB, Twitter, and IG because even now seeing the
     name makes me cry. Hell, I'm crying right now just because I'm typing
     about it. I'm just...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for making this sad, but
     I can't help it.
     It's his letter that's bothering me. His words sync up so perfectly
     with thoughts that I have had, matches words that I've included in
     this story based on my experiences and it bothers me. It bothers me
     because he felt that way and there was nothing anyone could do or say
     to get rid of those feelings. And I feel like I failed him as a fan
     because my love wasn't enough. I feel useless and sad and so fucking
     angry. Why anger? Because he did everything possible to survive it,
     he did everything he was supposed to do, and still couldn't find the
     strength to stay. Shit, I'm so sorry.
     I wish I could've have taken it all from him, I would've carried his
     burden along with my own if it meant he would stay. And it's selfish
     and stupid and childish but I can't help how I feel. I'm trying to
     shake it, but it feels like I'm being dragged down, you know? And I
     feel like I should apologize for feeling that way and I keep telling
     myself to look on the bright side, that he's finally free from the
     pain that it took to keep on living and the torment life as an idol
     brought, but it's not working and I'm flailing, silently screaming
     and raging and crying locked up in my room. I haven't slept, I
     haven't eaten.
     I hope this update can give you a few smiles or at least some form of
     relief. I apologize again for venting here, but talking to people irl
     just isn't my thing. Also, I love you. I love each and every single
     last one of you, even if I don't know you. Each one of you is unique
     and beautiful and a bright light meant to shine in this world. Blaze
     a trail, okay? Stay. And if ever the world gets too tough or life
     feels like it's not worth living...take my strength. Whatever it is
     you're lacking, whatever you need, take it from me. I'll give it
     freely if it helps keep you here. I love you. I love you. I honestly
     and truly love you all.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Yoongi stood frozen on the spot. Even with the contousions, scratches, cuts and
bruises; the bandages covering nearly the entirety of his upper torso and the
half-closed, puffy eye, he had never seen anything or anyone so lovely. Yes,
Taehyung was extraordinarily beautiful both inside and out; to Yoongi, he was
walking perfection. He had to look away, the sight of Taehyung too daunting for
him to withstand. He was such a weakling when it came to the younger.
“Yoongi-hyung?” he asked warily. When his hyung didn’t respond, Taehyung hugged
himself self-consciously. “I know that I look scary, it’s okay. I thought if
the lighting was soft and you couldn’t really see…it was too much to hope…I get
it. I really do.”
Yoongi swallowed uncomfortably. “It’s actually the opposite. You don’t look
scary…not to me.”
“The opposite?” He gave up a small smile, slightly swaying. “I thought we
didn’t lie to each other. I saw myself in the mirror hyung. My face is ruined.”
“Not to me,” Yoongi repeated. He couldn’t remember what his anger had felt
like, it subsided and was replaced by something that made him feel so much
lighter. He crossed the room with long strides, stepping right inside
Taehyung’s personal space. “To be honest, I’m trying very hard to hold myself
back because I’m scared I might hurt you. I want to do so many things…in a
situation like this however, most of those things are inappropriate or might do
more damage. You’re so beautiful it’s fucking with my brain, as well as other
body parts…
Taehyung gave a sorrowful laugh. “Beautiful?” He swayed unsteadily before
righting himself again; Yoongi stood at the ready in case he fell. “That word
suits you better. I’m hideous, but I hope you’re willing to overlook that. I
very much want you to do all of the things you want to do.” Taehyung extended
the bouquet and Yoongi accepted them with his special gummy smile. He took a
long whiff before placing them gently on the bed and moving in even closer.
“Hideous is something you will never be, Tae. How could you be when you’re a
literal angel come to earth. Huh?” He reached out with one unsteady hand and
slowly traced the slope of the younger’s bruised jawline. “I’ll start with
this. Touching you like this should be enough for now…” He followed the
contours of Taehyung’s face, letting his fingers reacquaint themselves with
those lovely features. “You’re so damned beautiful,” he whispered. “Does this
hurt, love?”
“No, it’s nice,” Taehyung answered with a shaky breath. He gripped Yoongi’s
sleeve with his uninjured hand. “Y-you don’t have to…I understand if…and my
head, it’s getting fuzzier. I can’t think straight and I can’t tell if it’s the
fever or just being with you.”
Yoongi smirked. “You already know for a fact that it’s not the fever. Do you
hurt anywhere else?” He examined the patch-covered, heavily bandaged Taehyung
from head to toe, making passes with his hands and studying scrupulously with
his eyes; double-checking Namjoon’s work until he was satisfied.
Taehyung shook his head. “No…now that you’re here, I can’t feel any of it. When
you touched me…it all went away…must be the adrenaline.”
Yoongi smiled. “Good to know I have healing hands.” He pulled the laughing
redhead into his arms. “I missed you. I missed you so much, love.” His hand
slid up the younger’s badly bruised neck and softly pulled him down for a kiss.
It was frantic and wild and wet and Taehyung nearly lost his balance. When
Yoongi finally let him go, he laughed at the familiar dazed look that he hadn’t
seen since the dome.
“You’re really you this time.” Taehyung buried his nose in Yoongi’s hair and
inhaled deeply, wilting in his embrace. He nosed along Yoongi’s ear and down
his neck. “I hope it’s you because I missed you, too. If this is another
trick…if my mind is playing with me...” He trailed off. “Are you staying with
me?” He brought his bandaged hand up to Yoongi’s face and touched his cheek.
“Please? I don’t want you to go again. I thought I would never see you again. I
thought you hated me. I thought…”
“You’re so frustrating.” He gently grabbed Taehyung’s heavily bandaged hand and
kissed it; Taehyung giggled. “How could someone so smart be so gullible? I
really should have tied you to me like I wanted to and we could have avoided
this entire mess.” He cradled Taehyung’s face and pulled him in for a delicate
kiss this time…then a second…then a third…and a fourth that was longer and a
bit more passionate. “I hate that you doubted me. From now on if you don’t see
the words leave my lips, don’t believe them, okay?” Taehyung nodded, covering
Yoongi’s hands with his own. “I’m going to have to work harder to make sure you
never question my feelings again.” He kissed him again. “Don’t ever…don’t leave
me like that again,” he demanded after he pulled away, staring intently at the
younger. “You have no idea what it did to me. Say it. Promise me you won’t
leave again.”
“I won’t. Hyung, you’ll…stay with me, too? Will you stay...and don’t send me
away again, don’t make me leave.” He clenched his eyes shut tightly, shaking
his head. “Don’t do that…please, don’t.”
Yoongi nodded as he teared up, recognizing that Taehyung was still having a
little trouble discerning what had really happened. He was better than he had
been, but he was still not himself completely. “I’m staying, love. I don’t want
to go anywhere else; I don’t want anyone else. I’m going to keep you by my side
always. Just please don’t let yourself get hurt again. I can’t bear it. I can’t
see this happen ever again, okay? For me…for hyung.”
“I-I’ll try.”
“No, promise me.” He moved in closer again, eyes begging for affirmation.
“Never again.”
“It’s…I’m complicated. I don’t think it’s something I can promise freely.” He
gnawed his lip nervously. “I’m sorry. But I’ll try…for you I’ll try very hard
to be good so that I don’t get hurt again.”
Yoongi frowned, not liking the context behind Tae’s words; he really believed
he deserved this kind of treatment. “I guess I understand. Can you at least
promise me that if you get the urge to go back to your grandfather, you’ll come
to me first?”
“I-I’ll try. It’s not the easiest thing to talk about, hyung. It may take some
time until I can speak freely about those feelings.”
“Okay, but don’t complain when I hover. Until you can talk about it, I’m going
to stick to you like glue. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you out of my
sight and there’s no way you’ll ever set foot inside that place unless I’m
standing right next to you. Agreed?”
It seemed like he was arguing with himself inside his head. After a little
while, he whispered, “Okay.”
“You should feel comfortable enough to tell me anything. You know that I’ll
never judge you, how could I when you’re so understanding about my shit? You
can talk to me, Taehyung. Tell me everything from now on, love.” He wrapped an
arm around the younger’s waist. “Let’s get you off your feet, you’ve been
standing for a while now, right?” Taehyung nodded. “You shouldn’t be moving
around so much in your condition. Let’s sit.” He noticed for the first time all
the trays littering the bed. “What’s all this? I thought you ate with my
parents and Hoseok.”
“Our last meal together, the dinner in the dome, that was the last time I
ate…from what I can remember. Grandfather said I had to earn the right to eat.”
Yoongi somehow staved off the murderous impulse to drive to the Kim mansion and
rip out the old man’s arms and beat him with them. “That was over a week ago…no
wonder you’re so woozy. Why didn’t you eat right away? You’re practically
starved, love.”
“I was waiting for you,” he whispered, shyly. “I wanted my first meal to be
with you so I planned this with the others.”
“That has to be the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s also the
sweetest. And it’s almost as beautiful in here as you are. Thank you, love.” He
regretted all those envious, angry thoughts he’d had while he was waiting; he
should have known that Taehyung would never exclude him. He mentally berated
himself as he helped Tae climb into bed and get settled beneath the sheets.
“Comfy?”
“Mm-hmm,” Tae hummed.
Yoongi walked around to the other side and climbed in next to him, getting as
close as possible. He sat with his legs crisscrossed, facing Tae. “I wondered
why you let everybody else in except me. I was worrying and waiting this whole
time, pissed and jealous that you left me out...and you did all this for me?”
“I wanted to see you so badly it hurt, but I couldn’t let you see me the way I
was. I was sweaty and smelly and...bloody,” he said quietly but quickly, like
he wanted to skip over it, “and still a bit loopy…actually, I still feel a
little bit out of it. And I wanted to do something to cheer you up because I
knew you were worried. Everyone was so helpful. Eomma cleaned me up and brushed
my teeth, and Joon changed my bandages afterwards. Hoseok helped decorate and
get the food together and Appa kept me company. I’m sorry for making you wait,
but I knew that if I called you in first I wouldn’t want to see anybody else.
You forgive me, right?”
“When you put it that way how can I not?” He leaned forward and kissed
Taehyung’s nose, internally celebrating the simple fact that he could. He
pulled a fruit and cheese laden tray towards them. “Are you ready to eat?”
Taehyung nodded enthusiastically, but then put a hand to his temple and
pressed. Yoongi frowned at him. “It’s okay, too much movement made me dizzy. I
swear, I feel good since I got off my feet. It’ll get even better after I
eat…but first, I want to talk to you.”
“We can eat and talk.” He pulled the other trays closer too. “Here, there’s
yogurt. Eat it first.”
“Okay. You take the meat and eggs. I don’t want it.” Taehyung grabbed the
yogurt, making sure Yoongi was eating too before he took his first bite. “I
want to clear up some things that happened on our first date…in the dome.”
“Ah, arguably the best night of my life…definitely the best morning.” He smiled
his gummy smile as he reminisced.
“It’s a tie for me,” Tae said quietly, swallowing another mouthful of yogurt.
“The night you confessed to me…it’s my most precious memory. It can’t be
beaten, but our first date was equally special.” He ate some more. “You asked
me a question about why it bothered me that you kissed Hoseok, but not that
Jungkook slept with someone.”
“I didn’t really need an answer.”
“It’s because you already knew, right?” Yoongi shrugged, shoving more food into
his mouth. “Of course, the answer was that I love you so much that I can’t
stand the thought of you with somebody else. I knew the answer then, but I suck
at putting my feelings into words. I didn’t want to risk hurting you.”
“I had a hunch but I wasn’t sure. I just wanted you to realize your true
feelings, either way. I was so angry then because you were so preoccupied with
thoughts of Jungkook that I started to think that maybe you had moved on
completely from me.” He savagely speared some eggs. “He was always there, a
third wheel on our first official date.”
“But I wasn’t preoccupied with Jungkook. I forgot all about him actually and
kept trying to figure out why he was so easy to forget while I was with you;
that’s what bothered me, that’s where my mind was. When it comes to you I’m
like a man obsessed.” He set the now empty bowl on the tray and trained his
eyes on a brooding Yoongi. “That’s how I knew. There never was a decision to be
made, Yoongi. The whole time, I never had a choice, did I?”
“Tae…” He completely lost interest the few eggs left on his plate and set it
aside, grabbing Tae’s hand instead and fiddling with the ring he wore. “That’s
exactly how I’ve always felt about you.” He could help leaning in for another
kiss.
“I wanted to tell you the next morning, but I was scared you didn’t feel the
same way. I was worried that maybe your feelings changed once you heard…once
you saw what I became…once you had more time to think about it. And you were so
distant that I started to think that maybe you realized you could do so much
better. I couldn’t work up the courage to say what I wanted to say; I didn’t
want you to reject me. I wanted to hold on to you for as long as I could, just
in case…”
Yoongi laughed loudly, shaking his head. “I was distant because I thought you
had already chosen Jungkook! I was trying to get used to the idea of not being
able to call you mine anymore and only be your friend…it was hard. And for the
record, please pay attention: I’ve always wanted you, I’ll always want you…just
you.” He scooted closer, leaning back against the cushioned headboard and
wrapping an arm around Taehyung to pull him in. Taehyung turned onto his side,
wincing a little, and laid his head on Yoongi’s shoulder. “If my words aren’t
enough for you to believe that, then my actions should be.”
“It’s just…there are so many reasons why you shouldn’t want me that even now
I’m struggling to believe that this is really happening...especially when I’m
in this condition. After being told so many times for all these years…” He
burrowed into Yoongi’s chest so that his words were muffled; he didn’t want to
say them out loud. “…that I’m filthy; that no one could love me and that I’m a
curse, I started to believe it.”
“Why would you believe anything that…that monster,” Yoongi spat, “has to say?”
“I guess I’ve been conditioned to do so? And it’s a strong belief, hyung. In my
mind, it’s a fact that I’m a jinx, that I’m a bad person, and that I don’t
deserve to be happy. It’s going to take some time for me to move past that…it’s
going to be hard for me, hyung. You shouldn’t have to put up with any of it. I
don’t want you to feel obligated to be with me when I have so much baggage…”
“We both have baggage.” He ran his fingers through Taehyung’s feather soft
hair. “Are you telling me that it should matter that I suffer from depression
or that I’ve been suicidal? Do you not love me because I’m ill? Do you not want
me because I’m flawed?”
“Our situations are entirely different. You’re ill, but I’m…” he struggled to
find the right words. “I’m not me anymore. You’re still you, but I’m not me. He
broke something inside me a long time ago and now I’m less than the person you
knew all those years ago. I won’t ever be able to measure up to your memories
of me because something is gone.”
“Our situations are kind of similar, Tae. We can help each other heal.” He
planted a kiss on the younger’s forehead. “And what makes you think that you’re
less than? Your heart hasn’t changed and that’s what I fell in love with first;
that’s all that matters to me. I don’t care about anything else.”
“But look at me, Yoongi. I’m a monster. Not just on the outside, but inside as
well. I asked for this,” he gestured towards himself. “I did this to myself.
How could you love someone like me?”
“I love the person you are, flaws and all. Your looks are just the icing on the
cake as far as I’m concerned, and make no mistake…you are fucking lovely. And
as far as the rest of it, your struggles, I’m willing to go through them with
you, Tae. I love you inside and out. Any obstacle, big or small, we’ll face it
together. As long as I can be with you in the end, nothing else matters.”
“Are you sure? About me and everything that comes with me…the nightmares and
the blackouts, the neediness, the crazy…all of it. Can you handle being with
someone so damaged?”
“Can you? I still struggle, too. I’m just as damaged but you still want to be
with me, right?”
“It’s beyond a want, hyung.”
“For me too. I’ve never been more sure about anything, Tae. I love you. I want
to be with you. Life is too short and we don’t know what will happen tomorrow,
or any day after that. We’ve already lost ten years, love, and I refuse to lose
more. So I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed Taehyung again,
pulling away only because he needed to take a breath. “Those vows I made all
those years ago are still very much in effect and I don’t’ plan to break them.
I’m committed to you.”
“Well then…” he shakily extracted himself from Yoongi’s grasp and sat up,
carefully tucking his knees under and turning to face his hyung. “Min Yoongi I
love you…no, it goes beyond that. How should I explain it…I suck at putting it
into words on the spot like this. I wish I could’ve written it out first…” He
screwed up his face in concentration, hand going up to pinch the bridge of his
nose; Yoongi smiled at the familiar action. “I’m…like with Jungkook…I’m in love
with him.”
“How fucking romantic…” Yoongi griped, glowering at the sheets. “I’m so happy
that after my heartfelt confession Jungkook is the first person who comes to
mind. Great.”
"No, you’re misunderstanding me again. I’m trying to explain my feelings for
you.” It took a lot of energy that he didn’t have, and he was in a lot of pain,
but he managed to crawl into Yoongi’s lap and wrap his long legs around him. He
wrapped his arms around his hyung’s torso and laid his head on the elder’s
shoulder. Although Yoongi was jealous, and a little angry, he helped as much as
he could to make sure Taehyung didn’t hurt himself. He snuggly wrapped his arms
around Taehyung’s waist; he needed the closeness just as much. “Everything is
getting mixed up in my head. Maybe I’m moving around too much? It was okay when
I was still.” He tightened his hold and moved closer to Yoongi’s neck.
Yoongi flinched from contact with Tae’s scalding forehead. “You should eat more
so that you can take your medicine. Your fever…”
He shook his head. “This is more important. I meant in love with Jungkook as in
I can fall out of love with him. I am in the process of falling out of love
with him. I loved him in a romantic way at first, but since I ended things
between us it’s not quite that anymore. The love I have for him is far greater
than that of a friend, I won’t lie about that, but it’s nowhere near as strong
as what I feel for you.” Yoongi gave him a squeeze, which made Taehyung smile
even though it had hurt. “What you and I have isn’t how it was for him and me,
but it’s also not the customary kind of love that I would have for a friend or
a family member. What I feel for you is neither of those things, yet both at
the same time; there’s no word for it. What I feel for you is profound and it’s
binding. The feelings I have for you go beyond instinct, beyond need, beyond
wanting…I feel like you were made for me. I’m hardwired to want to be with you.
I don’t just love you and I’m not just in love with you…what I feel for you
exceeds all of that.”
Hot lips pressed securely against Yoongi’s neck, eliciting a shiver of epic
proportions. “Erm…love. That was a lot of words and they sound sweet and all,
but just say it plainly and leave out any mentions of Jeon Jungkook, please.”
“When I say that I love you, know that I’m only saying it because the words to
express how I truly feel for you don’t exist.” He picked up his head so that
they were face to face. “I love you, Min Yoongi. I love you so much. And if
you’re willing…if you still want me…despite me being like this…” He pressed his
blistering forehead to Yoongi’s cool one and closed his eyes. “Only if you’re
absolutely clear that I’m who you want, I don’t think I could take it if you
changed your mind. I’d rather not get my hopes up if there’s a chance you’ll
change your mind.”
“How is that even in question? How many times do I have to say I want you
before you believe me?”
“I just have to be certain, hyung. Are you sure about me?”
“Stop asking me that; you already know my answer.”
“Does this mean that we’re together now? For real?”
“Tae, we always have been together.” He gently flicked the tip of Taehyung’s
nose and kissed the nose mole, eliciting a giggle from the younger. “Even while
we were apart, we were still together.”
“Good,” Taehyung sighhed into the side of Yoongi’s neck. “Now that it’s settled
I really should eat something. My stomach is eating itself and I feel like I’m
about to pass out. I’m worse off than I’ve been letting on. But first…”
He leaned in and using the last reserves of his strength, pressed his lips
firmly against Yoongi’s. The elder brought his hand up and gently pulled
Taehyung in closer by the nape of his neck, lightly kneading his scalp as the
intensity of the kiss increased. A sharp stab of pain split Taehyung’s skull in
two and he hissed against Yoongi’s lips, but he couldn’t stop now. Yoongi drew
in his bottom lip, gently and almost rhytmically sucking and Taehyung found
himself growing even more lightheaded; he felt himself slipping away. He moaned
as Yoongi’s kisses and hands grew needier and more frantic, fighting against
his own body which wanted to shut down. But he kept going, smiling as he
descended into darkness yet again. This time it was different; it was warm and
welcoming. His last thought was more.
                                     *****
He opened eyes to an upset Yoongi cradling his face in icy palms, peering at
him worriedly. He laughed until his body shook, ignoring the pain it caused as
Yoongi scowled.
“What in the fuck is funny about that?” he growled. “You scared me to half to
death, Taehyung. I didn’t know what to do, hell, I was too afraid to even move.
Should I call Namjoon? Or maybe Eomma?”
Taehyung ignored him and chuckled. “It’s another first for us. It’s the first
time you kissed me until I was unconscious.” He collapsed onto Yoongi’s
shoulder, laughing weakly against Yoongi’s neck. “You should do that again. It
was epic. And I really like the way you taste. Kiss me again, my Yogi. I want
to taste you again.”
A relieved Yoongi shook his head while forcing a smile. “The only thing you’re
going to taste is food, love. And meds right after that. Open up.”
Taehyung smiled and opened wide, Yoongi popped in a grape. “You’re no fun,” he
teased as he chewed. “Mmmm…it’s sweet. Are there strawberries?”
“Of course there are strawberries. Watermelon too. And there’s oatmeal. You’re
going to eat it all and then take your medicine.” He popped in a few more
grapes and watched as Taehyung chewed.
“You need to eat, too.”
“I’ll eat more, I promise. Just let me take care of you first.” He grabbed a
large strawberry and gently stuffed it into a very happy Taehyung’s mouth,
before taking a chunk of pineapple for himself. “Don’t worry too much about me,
love, I can take care of the both of us.”
“We have more things to discuss. Hoseok said that he couldn’t tell me some
things because he didn’t want to step on your toes…what does that mean?”
“You have to live long enough for us to discuss those things, so shut up and
eat first.” He stuffed a huge piece of watermelon in Taehyung’s mouth, who was
unable to chew it without juices dribbling down his chin. Taehyung pinched his
arm, frowning. Yoongi could feel his heart racing crazily but he ignored it and
said very seriously, “What I meant to say was that we have our whole lives to
talk, love, right now eating is more important.” He licked a trail from the tip
of the younger’s chin up to his lips, cleaning up the sweet runoff and giving
up another kiss.
Taehyung stared at him accusingly. “Really?”
“What?” Yoongi asked innocently. “There’s no napkin.”
“Then what are those?” He pointed at the linen napkins laying nearby.
Yoongi smirked. “Didn’t see them. They’ve been there the whole time?”
“They wouldn’t just appear out of nowhere. You just wanted to tease me…I liked
it. Do that again.”
“No.”
“So cruel…you’re a mean nurse, hyung.”
“I’m not a nurse.”
“What else do you call a person who is nursing someone?”
“Hyung. Don’t call me a nurse. I don’t have the qualifications, nor the bedside
manner.”
“You were doing okay, especially with that tongue thing…”
“Let it go,” he said, smiling as he fed Taehyung more fruit.
“Do you prefer Nurse Yoongi-hyung or just Nurse Hyung?”
“You’re so annoying.”
“Ah, I think I like the thought of you as my nurse.” Taehyung closed his eyes,
trying to imagine it. “You need one of those weird throwback nurse hats,”
Taehyung said through a mouthful of fruit. “And those white shoes. Didn’t they
wear those white dresses back then?”
“Shut up and stop dreaming up weird images of me in your head.”
“I bet you’d look hot in scrubs, but then again you look hot in everything.”
Yoongi frowned, brows drawn together in irritation. “Do you think I don’t
recognize what you’re doing…what’s bothering you? And don’t say nothing because
I know you. When you’re overly playful like this, it’s because you’re upset.
What’s wrong, love?”
Taehyung sighed. “Ah, you know me too well.” He wrapped his arms around
Yoongi’s neck. “It’s just that you’re wearing your ‘worried’ face. I hate it
and I’m trying to cheer you up.”
“That’s going to be hard to do. I’m trying hard not to be overbearing and all I
want to do is give you smiles and happiness, but I’m so worried, love. Aren’t I
entitled in a situation like this?” Taehyung opened his mouth wide, cutely
waiting for Yoongi to feed him more fruit. Yoongi grimaced as he fed him
another large strawberry; his dongsaeng wasn’t taking it seriously. “You just
passed out and it’s bothering me. I’m trying really hard to just go along with
you, but it’s hard to be playful when the situation is so dire.” They were
quiet for a while as he fed Taehyung more fruit. “I’m scared, Tae. Scared and
worried about you.” Then he recalled his brief talk with Namjoon. “There is
something you could do to help.”
“What is it? I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to stop looking at me like
I’m already in a casket.”
“Go to the hospital and get checked out,” Yoongi blurted out. “Please.”
“I don’t need to when I have my own personal nurse to take care of me.” He
smiled brightly crushing himself against Yoongi, but then he grimaced in
obvious pain. “No hospital needed.”
“Taehyung, I’m serious.”
“Shut up and feed me, Nurse Yoongi-hyung.”
“Call me that one more time and I’m going to feed you pineapple.”
“But it might burn my mouth,” he whined. “Too much acidity.”
“You won’t be calling me ‘Nurse Yoongi’ though.”
“We just got together and already you’re being mean. I have so many regrets...”
he teased.
“I’m not being mean, love, I’m worried as fuck, okay? You scared me half to
death so please just eat. And please consider going to the hospital…for me if
not for yourself.”
“Am I too heavy?” he asked changing the subject.
“You’re fine.”
“I don’t want to kill your skinny little legs.”
“When you’re better I’ll show you just how strong my skinny little legs are,”
he said, planting another kiss on surprisingly soft lips. “But for right now
don’t you dare move. I want you close.”
“I can still be close without sitting in your lap. I’m heavy and you’ve been
holding me for a while.”
“Fine, but now who’s no fun?” He pushed away the now empty fruit tray and
helped Taehyung get comfortable on the bed. Then he ran over and grabbed the
pain and fever medicine and brought it over with a glass of water. He handed
them both to Taehyung. “Down the hatch, love.” He watched as the younger
swallowed the pills and then drank some water. “Good.” He bent down and planted
a gentle kiss on still moist lips, before placing a palm to Taehyung’s forehead
and neck. “I couldn’t wait any longer. You’re burning up. But you still have to
eat a bit more before I’m satisfied.” He picked up the oatmeal and sat on the
edge of the bed.
“I can feed myself, hyung.”
Yoongi frowned and moved the bowl out of reach. “But I like feeding you.”
Taehyung crossed his arms across his chest childishly, scowling. “I feel like
an invalid. I don’t like it.”
The gesture was so reminiscent to preteen-Tae that Yoongi couldn’t help but
smile. It was adorable. “I thought you would like me taking care of you. Don’t
you like me waiting on you hand and foot. I’m playing the part of a doting
husband very well, right?”
“I guess so…” the redhead lowered his arms, face softening. “…it’s not so bad
because it’s you.”
“That’s good. I love taking care of you. And I get it, okay? You’re trying to
distract me again.” He fed his dongsaeng quietly for a while. “Tae…could you at
least explain why won’t you go to the hospital?”
“I…I just can’t. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Is it because of him?” Yoongi pressed. “Are you afraid?” He fed Taehyung
another spoonful. “Because I was serious when I said I wouldn’t let you go back
there. I’ll protect you.”
“It’s…it’s not that. Maybe in the past I was afraid to go because I knew that
things would get worse for me if someone would find out. Grandfather…he
threatened to do things to people who dared to interfere, so I was careful not
to let anyone get involved. But this time I asked him to these things to me. I
made a promise to him that I would see it through until the end, Yoongi.
Everything that happened is on me and he shouldn’t have to pay for it when I
wanted it.”
“I don’t give a shit if you begged on your knees, he should have said no. Don’t
you realize that this is not what families do to each other? None of this is
your fault.” Yoongi fed him another spoonful, hands shaking from the rage
building up inside. He wasn’t angry at Taehyung, but at the idea of him blaming
himself for what happened. He wanted very much to kill Kim Taesuk.
“Then whose is it?”
“Kim Taesuk! He did this to you! He’s the reason why you think that something
like this is okay, that it’s bearable. That it’s acceptable.”
“He only did what I asked of him. He tried his hardest for me…the least I can
do is take responsibility.”
“What you are saying is ridiculous. You don’t owe him anything, Tae. I don’t
understand why you’re trying to protect him.”
“I’m not trying to protect him, it’s just that you’re glossing over the fact
that I went to him. I’m equally at fault…maybe more so. I wanted it. I asked
for it because I believed I deserved it. I went to him and prostrated myself to
him; I begged for this. It’s unfair to put all of the blame on him. If I go to
the hospital and they ask me what happened, I can’t lie and say that he did
this to me when I’m just as guilty. Do you want to see me punished as well? I’m
just as bad as he is, aren’t I?”
“Is that what you believe?” Yoongi asked heatedly, slamming the bowl down;
Taehyung flinched. “He’s been drilling it into your brain since you were a kid,
so of course you bought his bullshit.” He stood, anger bubbling over to season
his words. “It’s not true though. You’re not bad at all. It’s all an excuse for
him to do what he does; it’s something he made up in his mind to make what he
did to you acceptable; it’s all a lie for his own benefit. He is the only
villain here, you’re the victim!”
Taehyung shook his head slowly. “I’m not a victim…not this time.”
“When you first told me about what he did to you, didn’t you say he was a sick,
twisted, evil old man who took out his anger on a helpless kid? What’s changed
between then and now to make you think differently?”
“Do you make it a habit to memorize everything I say?” Taehyung asked calmly.
“Absolutely. It’s awfully handy in situations like this one, don’t you think?”
“I went to him. He didn’t seek me out and he didn’t force me into anything, I
asked for it. I needed it because I thought I did something bad. I did
something bad…I made you try to hurt yourself and I broke Jungkook’s heart. I
said the most horrible things and made him cry when he’s done nothing but take
care of me. I’m…I’m a monster.”
“You’re not a monster. Baby, you’re getting confused again. You didn’t do
anything to me; I was never hurt. And it’s not your fault you don’t feel the
same way about Jungkook as he does for you. People cry, people say things when
they’re angry, and people breakup…that’s normal. It’s not something to be
punished for, love.”
“To me it is. What I did was wrong. I hurt everyone I love…it’s only fair that
I hurt, too.”
“And that’s the problem, Tae. It’s his fault that you believe every mistake you
make deserves this level of penance. It’s not normal. Even if you asked for it,
even if you begged for it, it’s only because he taught you that it should be
expected. Did your parents ever punish you this way?”
Taehyung gasped. “Why would you…don’t bring them into this.”
“Why not? You refuse to see reason, Taehyung. They wouldn’t want this for you!”
“Are we fighting?” he asked quietly. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore
if it means we have to argue. I’m too weak and my head is pounding and I’m not
up to it, hyung. We don’t fight. That’s not us…this...it can’t be real…I just
want to stop. Stop, please?”
Yoongi climbed back into the bed and carefully placed gentle kisses all over
his battered face. “We’re not fighting, Tae, I’m just concerned and I want
what’s best for you. I need you to understand the situation because you really
don’t see things as they are, instead you’re clinging to the warped perspective
he spoon-fed you. The mistake you thought you made was minor. It wasn’t some
life altering, world-shattering event.”
“Maybe not to you, but it was to me. Hyung, don’t you understand how much I
love you? I thought I made it clear earlier, but I guess maybe my words
weren’t...was it unclear? The mere thought of hurting you…it’s not something I
can deal with. It’s not something I can just get over. To me it was the end of
my world. You are my world and I thought it was my fault that you attempted
again. Knowing that I did that to you…I hurt you so bad and I needed to be
punished for it. Hurting you…I don’t like it.”
Yoongi grimaced. “You’re lying.”
“I’m not. I’ve never been anything but honest with you.”
“You don’t like hurting me. You don’t like seeing me in pain, yet here you are
the main cause of it and refuse to do anything about it.”
“I’m the cause…I’m hurting you?” He started to play with his fingers nervously,
staring down into his lap. “I’m hurting you again…”
Yoongi grabbed his hands and gave a comforting squeeze. “Not directly, Tae, but
what do you think it does to me to see you like this and not be able to do
anything about it? How do you think I feel knowing what happened to you down
there and knowing that it all could have been avoided? I feel fucking useless.
And guilty. And angry and worried and stressed and scared to fucking death that
I’m going to lose you at any second. What if you have internal bleeding or
contusions on your brain or what if the fever turns into something worse? What
if you make a small mistake and run back to him again? What if I lose you for
good? How do you think I would handle that? You think I would just move on with
my life? You think I would just go on living without you? You’re my world, too.
Losing you would end me, too. Are you okay with that?”
“Why does this sound like a guilt trip, hyung? I never expected you would try
and manipulate…”
Yoongi dropped his hands and put some space between them. “Manipulate? That’s
what you think of me? You think I would try to take advantage of you? Me?”
Taehyung shook his head slowly, covering his face with his hands. “Truthfully,
I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know what I’m saying, I don’t know
anything except that I’m not ready to talk about this yet. I tried to steer the
conversation away because I’m not ready, but you keep pushing me when I said no
already. You’re forcing the issue…”
“It’s a big fucking issue don’t you think?” He balled up his fists tightly,
gluing them to his thighs. “It’s your health I’m concerned about. You are the
most important person in my life, the only thing that matters to me. You’re
above everything and everyone else including myself, Taehyung,” he asserted.
“It’s not manipulation if I’m telling you the truth.” He inched closer and
gently pulled Taehyung’s hands away from his face. “Do you know that I’ve been
slowly falling apart since the moment I found out you came to California for
me. I’ve been fighting extremely hard to keep control of my emotions and avoid
spiraling. I’m failing, Tae. You saw what I did to Hoseok. I’m losing the
battle with myself and I’m trying like hell to not let myself fall into my old
habits. All of this anger and self-pity and guilt…it’s ripping me apart inside.
I don’t want to manipulate you, I’m honestly asking for your help. Please, if
not for yourself then for me, go to the hospital. Do you love me enough to
consider it?”
“If I say I’ll consider it can we drop this? It’s…I can’t…I don’t want you to
be mad at me. I know I’m making you angry, aren’t I?” He grimaced, eyes shut
tightly and a hand going up to his temple again. “I’m bad…I’m being bad again,
right?” He looked as if he wanted to cry. “I’m sorry, Yoongi-hyung. I don’t
want to make you angry. I’m sorry…I’m hurting you. I keep hurting you and
everybody…”
“Sweetheart…” Yoongi interrupted, “…hubby, I’m fine. I could never be mad at
you. I am angry but it’s the situation, not you. You’re right, it’s the wrong
time for such a heavy subject. I’m sorry for pushing but know that I’m only
doing it because I care. I love you and all I want to do is protect you. You
understand, right? You know that all of this comes from a place of love,
right?”
“It’s hard for me, trying to piece everything together; some things still don’t
make sense in my mind. Everything is blurred together. But I know you and I
trust you...I love you. I’m sorry for accusing you of trying to manipulate me.
Just give me a little time to adjust, to catch up. I need to be able to think
clearly.” He went still and quiet, staring off into the distance at nothing in
particular.
“That’s fair. It’s just that I feel this fierce need to protect you.”
Taehyung hummed in acknowledgement, but said nothing else.
Things were awkward after that. They sat there quietly, neither of them able to
to look at the other. Both sat swimming in their own thoughts and doubts,
Taehyung worried about hurting Yoongi again and Yoongi upset that Tae blamed
himself for everything. Yoongi was the first to break, sneaking a look over at
Taehyung, who absentmindedly chewed on his bottom lip. He didn’t know how they
had gotten to this point when all he wanted to do was hold Tae…kiss Tae…love
Tae. The whole situation was fucked up, but if he wanted to hold on to his love
he needed to learn how reign in his anger a bit. He knew he was wrong, maybe
not his words but the delivery and timing. He shouldn’t have pushed so hard.
“Do you want to eat more?”
“No…I’m not hungry.”
“Do you want to sleep?”
“No…not right now.”
“Are you doing that thing where you withdraw…going blank?”
“No…I want to be with you more than I want to run away from myself.”
“You’re upset.”
“A little.”
“With me?”
“With myself...for making you worry. Also for making you sad. And now you’re
disappointed in me, right? I can see it…”
“I’m not disappointed in you, Tae. I’m disappointed in myself for letting my
anger get the best of me. And now that I’ve calmed down, I can see why you
thought I was trying to force you into doing something you didn’t want to do.
I’m sorry love.” Yoongi delicately grabbed his hands. “We are supposed to be
celebrating and I ruined it, didn’t I?”
“It’s not ruined. If you say you’re okay…as long as you’re okay, we’ll be fine.
I hate making you worry about me.”
“I hate making you worry just as much, you know that? Did I scare you?” He
kissed Taehyung’s fingertips as the younger shook his head. “How about
this...why don’t I turn off the worrying just for today? We don’t have to
discuss anything serious or talk about anything else except for us and our
future together. Would you like that?”
“Our future together…that sounds really nice. I really want to talk about
that.” He smiled a little, eyes lit up and shining in the semi-darkness.
“Ah, I figured you might. But first…” Yoongi helped Taehyung shift forward and
wedged himself behind him. He pulled the younger back until he was lying back
against his chest. He wrapped his left arm around Taehyung’s midsection and
intertwined their right hands together. “…let’s reminisce a bit. Is this
familiar?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still remember what I taught you?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Show me Cassiopeia.”
Taehyung searched the ceiling for a few seconds before pointing excitedly.
“There! The one that looks like a stretched out ‘W’ or an ‘M’.”
“Ah…but what’s her story.”
“She got chained to the sky for being prideful and insulting the sea nymphs,
which is why we shouldn’t boast too much…right, hyung?”
“Right...you do remember." Yoongi smiled. "Now, where is Orion?” He watched
Tae’s face screw up in concentration as he searched the sky, heart filling with
warmth and fondness.
“It’s there!” he pointed. “Those three stars are Orion’s belt, right?”
“Mmm-hm. And what’s his story?”
“He was the greatest, strongest hunter, yet was defeated by something as small
as a scorpion. It reminds us to be humble as humans.”
“You’re the best student I ever had,” Yoongi said happily, bringing Tae’s hand
up to his lips.
“You…there were others?” Taehyung asked timidly. “I mean, I know you saw other
people before…”
“I never dated anybody else, they were only practice dummies until I could get
to you. And it was only middle school anyway so it doesn't count. You are my
one and only student. I never cared enough about someone else to do something
like this with them. I never saw anyone else outside of school…when would I
have had the time?”
“Oh…okay.”
Yoongi smirked and hugged Taehyung closer, pleased that Taehyung sounded a
little jealous. It in no way matched his jealousy of Taehyung’s relationship
with Jungkook, but at least it was something. “It’s like we’re back in the
garden, right?” They younger nodded. “Are you happy?”
“Very,” Taehyung sighed. “Except something’s missing.”
“What? We have the stars in the sky and we have each other…what else do we
need?”
“The kisses…” he said quietly, laughing to himself. “You would sneak kisses
back then.”
“You knew!”
“Please…you were so obvious.” He tried to peek up over his head. “I never said
anything only because I didn’t want you to stop.”
“So, like this?” He placed a gentle peck in the top of Tae’s head.
“Hmmm…it’s nice, but not as satisfying as I remember.”
“Maybe it’s because we hadn’t had our first real kiss yet. That came years
later…”
“Yeah…it still feels good though.” Yoongi kissed him again and pulled him in
closer. “Really good.”
“As much I love the top of your head, your lips are far superior, love.”
“Really? Shouldn’t you love all parts of me equally?”
Yoongi frowned playfully. “Who told you such rubbish?”
He giggled. “So you have body biases?”
“Of course! Don’t all couples have favorite parts on their lover’s body?”
Taehyung frowned. “Lover…I don’t like it. We’ve only been together once and it
was when we’re kids.”
“Is husband better?”
“No…”
“I think you like it a lot, Min Taehyung,” Yoongi said smirking.
“I don’t…” he said, bringing Yoongi’s hand up to kiss it. “You shouldn’t call
me that until you’ve asked me properly.
“I shouldn’t have to ask. We’ve been heading towards that end from the moment
we met. Why should I have to ask when it’s inevitable?”
“Who knows…I may have changed my mind. And Eomma and Appa disapprove of you;
Eomma says she can find somebody better suited.”
“But she’s my mother!” He gave Taehyung a gentle, careful squeeze. “She loves
me to death, there’s no way she’d betray me.”
“Ah, you forget that she loves me more. Appa too. They made some very valid
points about your personality. And there may or may not have been mention of
your vampire-like tendencies…”
“I’m going to murder the both of them,” Yoongi vowed darkly.
Taehyung laughed silently, shaking in Yoongi’s arms. “I can’t see you like
this…the angle sucks.” he squirmed around twisting until he was on his side. He
looked up at Yoongi and pouted. “You’re too far away.”
“How am I even the vampire? You’re the one who likes to bite me and chew me
up.”
“But they don’t know that. I’m their innocent little Tae-baby.”
“You’re a demon.”
“I’m your demon.”
“Damn it, don’t say stuff like that.”
Taehyung looked up at Yoongi. “You know…I’m feeling a little bit better. My
head isn’t pounding as much and the room isn’t spinning. I might have just
enough energy…”
“Don’t even think about it. You’re hurt.”
“But the meds are kicking in…” he said, flipping over onto his stomach. “Are
the marks I left still there?” He reached out and lightly traced the lines of
Yoongi’s neck.
“Doesn’t matter,” Yoongi answered stiffly, the teasing feel of Taehyung’s
fingers stirring up sensations he didn’t particularly need right now.
“Hyung…” he tugged at the other’s shirt, pulling himself up along Yoongi’s
body. “Lemme see…”
Yoongi bit back a smile, slyly sliding down while helping Tae to climb up and
admonishing him at the same time. “No. You’ve gotten better at trying to hide
things from me, love, but I can tell you don’t feel any better. Stop playing
around before you hurt yourself more.” His head met the fluffy pillows that had
been bracing his back before. Taehyung loomed over him, studying him carefully.
“I just want a peek.”
Yoongi let a small smile slip. “Have it then, brat.” But Taehyung made no move,
still gazing attentively into his eyes. “What?” He reached up and caressed
Tae’s cheek. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s still there…I can see it. You’re hurting.”
Yoongi sighed. “I’m trying. I swear I am, Tae. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” He moved in and kissed Yoongi languidly, deeply, before
pulling away. “I don’t care much what happens to me…for you, I’ll take on
anything. I’ll go to the hospital, okay? I’ll do whatever you want me to do if
it’ll make you stop hurting.” Yoongi sighed in relief, watching Taehyung
closely as his eyes welled with tears. He studied him carefully, trying to find
the lie but found none. The strain of holding in all his pain and anguish, his
worries about Tae's health and safety finally snapped and the dam Yoongi had
built came tumbling down, tears pouring from his eyes. Taehyung held his face
and kissed him tenderly. “I’m sorry for causing you pain. I’m not at 100% and
my mind is still fucked, but it’s no excuse. I don’t know why I fought so hard
when you’re all that matters. So, tomorrow, first thing...we’ll go together. I
should have just said yes from the start. I'm sorry.”
“Thank you, love. Thank you so much. You don’t know how happy I am right now,”
he said in a broken voice. “I’m so worried and I’m scared. I need to hear that
you're okay, and then I can relax. I need that. I can’t ever lose you again.”
“You won’t. I promise.” He let his full weight rest on Yoongi, who wrapped his
arms around Tae’s back and pulled him close. “I’m here and I’ll do whatever it
takes to make you feel secure.”
“Fuck, I love you, Tae. So, so much…” He started crying again. “You understand
me…you get it. You have no idea how much that means to me...”
“I do. It’s okay, we’ll be okay. Let it all out, hyung. You’ve been holding it
all in for so long, haven’t you?” Yoongi nodded. “And I love you, too.”
“I won’t ever get tired of hearing that.”
“I won’t ever get tired of saying it. I love you, hyung. I love you, my Yogi.”
Yoongi clutched Tae to his chest, pulling tighter, holding him closer. Taehyung
whispered words of encouragement and love to strengthen and console him.
Eventually the tears stopped but Yoongi still kept a firm hold on Tae, refusing
to let him move. “Thank you…thanks love, I really needed that.”
Taehyung peered into his eyes, searching for something…he smiled, satisfied at
not seeing that turmoil there anymore. But there was something else lingering.
“Now that you’re feeling better…” He managed to unbutton the first button of
Yoongi’s pajama top with one hand. “That peek…”
“You idiot…” Yoongi smiled. “How could you be thinking of that after what just
happened?”
“When it comes to you I have a one-track mind, hyung.” Yoongi laughed as he
unbuttoned the second button. “I just want to see…you know I worked really hard
to put those there.”
“I remember…” Yoongi sighed as the third button came undone. He released his
hold on Tae, who began to nose along his neck. When fiery kisses burned his
collarbone, Yoongi began to squirm underneath him. “Tae…you’re hurt enough
already.”
“I won’t go too far…just want to see…” Another two buttons came undone and the
kisses moved south to Yoongi’s chest. “Once I see…I’ll stop.”
“Since when do you see with your lips?”
“Ah…I see with a lot of things. Eyes…lips…fingers…” He grinned devilishly. "But
that'll come later."
“Whatever you’re planning forget it. There’s no way I’ll let you cause more
harm to yourself.” He put a palm to Taehyung’s forehead and then to his neck,
finding them still warm but nowhere near as hot as they were before.
Taehyung chuckled darkly. “You should worry more about yourself.” He tore
Yoongi’s shirt open, scrutinizing the expanse of creamy, clear skin. He
frowned. “Damn. All my hard work…there’s nothing left.” He looked up at Yoongi
with begging eyes. “Hyung…please?”
Yoongi rolled his eyes. “Fuck…you should've told them you were the vampire.”
“I am. The worse kind, too, because I can only feed on one person.”
“Just one?” he asked, one eyebrow going up.
“Correction...I can feed on others, but I only want to feed on one person.”
Yoongi scoffed. “You’re an idiot. And you’re injured.”
“My lips work just fine. Need proof?”
“Maybe.” Taehyung smiled down at Yoongi before claiming his mouth. The elder
had the fleeting thought that maybe fevers were contagious because his skin
burned painfully and his felt like his skull would burst from his head. He was
disoriented and dizzy and it was hard to focus on anything other than
Taehyung’s lips and tongue. When the kiss finally ended, he said breathily,
“It’s working more than fine.”
“This time they won’t fade so easily, okay?”
“I have no argument that will stop you, do I?” The redhead shook his head.
“Shit. Well...it's not like I won't enjoy it.” He bared his neck and when
Taehyung bit down into it, Yoongi moaned loudly in ecstasy. One hand flew to
the younger’s head, holding him in place while the other went to his lower
back. He arched upward and Taehyung slid his good hand underneath to dig into
the flesh there. “T-Tae…”
“Hmmm…” He worked diligently, sucking and pulling the delicate flesh between
his teeth.
“Fuck…it’s…” He pressed his head back into the pillow and further exposed his
neck. “More…please, Tae more,” desperation hindering his ability to construct
sentences. “Please…deeper, love.”
Taehyung was happy to oblige, biting down even harder and eliciting the most
delicious sounds from his hyung. After a few minutes, he looked down lovingly
at the glaring, purplish mark his effort produced. “One down, hyung.”
“One down? How many more do you plan on leaving?”
“I don’t have a specific number, just places.”
“Where?”
“Everywhere…outside…inside.”
“Inside?” Yoongi’s looked up at him with wide eyes. “What in the hell do you
mean inside?”
“Inside. I just want to leave a mark there. I didn’t get to do it the last
time.”
“But…”
“I won’t go too far, I promise. It won’t take much effort or energy. I’ll stop
if I get tired and it won’t hurt me. Don’t worry.” He looked down at Yoongi
innocently and sincerely. “I feel better. I really do.”
After much consideration and with a little skepticism, Yoongi caved in. “But
the first grimace, the slightest indication of pain whatsoever and I swear…”
“You really should worry about yourself more,” Taehyung answered grinning.
                                     *****
Two hours later, a very naked and sweaty Yoongi bit into his fist with one
tensed leg cast carelessly aside while the other hung on Taehyung’s shoulder as
he worked on another mark. His other hand gripped the redhead’s hair so harshly
that he feared he would rip it from the scalp and his toes curled inward so
dramatically that he could feel them pop. He saw so many vivid colors as they
blazed bright behind his eyelids and his thought process was entirely fucked,
his vocabulary reduced to a combination of guttural moans, murmurs, absurd
babbling, profanity, and Tae’s name. He felt something cresting within him,
right in the pit of his abdomen, and bit back a scream that fought it's way to
his lips. Finally...he thought. Finally, finally, finally...
Taehyung let go with a resounding pop and Yoongi punched the mattress in
frustration. “Fuck! Enough...you can't keep...” he tore at his own hair.
The younger admired the deep bruise on the crease of Yoongi’s inner thigh, the
third of it’s kind, before turning his gaze to his heaving hyung. “More...”
“No. No more,” a breathless Yoongi protested. "I can't..."
Taehyung pouted. “More…hyung, just a bit more.”
“Tae, do you want me to die? I’m…I can’t.”
“Just lay there…”
“Tae…don’t. I’m was about to…” he looked up at the stars littering the ceiling,
face flushed from embarrassment. “…why did I even agree to this? Aren’t you
tired? You should be resting.”
“I slept for nineteen hours, right? Then on and off after that. Plus, the
medicine and the food has me all energized. Just one more spot and I’m done.
It’s the most important one.”
“Tae, there’s nowhere left, love. I already look like a fucking dalmation.”
“Last one…I promise.”
Yoongi grimaced. “One more, but that’s it. I can’t take anymore.” Taehyung let
Yoongi’s leg fall from his shoulder and pushed his thighs apart. He moved in
close until the elder could feel air tickling his opening. “Kim Taehyung…what
are you…not there? Really? You were serious?”
“Min Taehyung. It sounds much better, don’t you think?” He licked then blew
cool air gently along Yoongi's perineum.
“Don’t try to distract me...inside? You’re really…you won’t…”
“If you don’t want me to, I won’t. Should I stop?” He gave another long, wet
lick right over the tightly clenched hole and Yoongi whimpered, gripping the
sheets. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” He planted a wet kiss on the
puckered flesh. "But I really want to...I want to leave a mark inside. Only I
can find it, right? Only I can see it."
"How can you see it if it's inside me?"
"Remember I see with more than just my eyes, hyung. My lips, my fingers..." He
pressed his thumb harshly against the opening, thoroughly rubbing, "...my
tongue and another thing, too."
Yoongi swallowed nervously. “You wouldn’t lie to me, right? You feel better?”
His dongsaeng smiled adoringly up at him. “Okay. I...I want you to keep going.
Please...I need it.”
"I do, too."
Taehyung removed his thumb and teasingly poked and prodded with his tongue,
licking and sucking as Yoongi watched the sky. His legs trembled terribly and
he felt asthmatic as he struggled to breathe, but there was no way he would
stop Tae. His need was too great. He focused on the stars and let go of every
negative emotion he harbored; he let love take over and enjoyed the slow
torture that Tae's mouth provided. Just when he was ready to smack the younger
and tell him to get on with it, he felt the warm, wet, long muscle invade him;
he nearly came apart at the seams. When Taehyung gripped his thighs, fingertips
digging painfully into the soft flesh, and forced Yoongi to fuck his tongue,
the universe ripped open. The stars realigned themselves in the false sky to
form new, breathtaking scenes he had never seen. The images told the epic story
of he and Taehyung's love and it was so beautiful to see; he wanted Tae to see
them too, but he didn't want to stop this feeling. His eyes fell shut and he
couldn't form a coherent thought, his whole being heavily entrenched with
Taehyung and the wonderful things he could do with his mouth...the oh so
miraculous things he could do.
He gripped the sheets until his fingers cramped up then moved them back to
Taehyung's hair, hysterically grinding down onto the hot mouth with the
heavenly tongue and holding on for dear life. He heard Tae moan deeper and he
cried out, "Please!" right before the first finger entered him…"Fuck!" His back
arched spectacularly at the breach. He wriggled and writhed as the finger
explored, reacquainting itself with Yoongi insides.
Several pleasurable minutes later a second finger joined the fray…"Tae, I-
I'm...love...love, don't...don't stop." He felt Taehyung hum, the vibrations
sinking into his scrotum which was now held prisoner in the younger's warm
mouth. The fingers plunged into him as he slammed himself down on them. Over
and over again he impaled himself until he felt sufficiently marked...but he
needed more.
Finally a third finger broke through..."H-h-how?" was all he could manage. He
gyrated on the lengthy digits, fearing his joints would crumble into dust. He
felt the younger lick a long, wet strip up his dick and then circle the head
with his tongue. He was a mumbling mess when Taehyung finally took him into his
mouth cuts be damned, swallowing him whole with no warning while simultaneously
massaging his prostate. Even though his eyes were clamped shut he saw the
stars…that's all he needed to see, wanted to see...Taehyung and stars.
His throat was too tight, his mouth was too warm, his tongue was too wet, and
his fingers were too effective...when Yoongi erupted it was with an earth
shaking cry of Taehyung's name as his whole body froze in an impromptu state of
paralysis. When the waves finally subsided, he didn't sink into the relaxed
state that ordinarily followed gratification. Instead, he hastily pulled
Taehyung up into his arms before exhaustion took over and clung to him,
frenetically whispering into his bandaged chest while trembling,
"Again...promise me again. You won't ever leave me. Never. You are mine, right?
I've only ever been yours, but after today you're mine only, right?
So,don't...don't ever, for any reason, please...Tae, don't leave me again.
Promise me...you promise, right?" He was near the point of hyperventilation as
he panicked. "Promise...promise me..."
Taehyung frowned not liking the anxiety tainting Yoongi's words nor the panic
in his eyes; his hyung's pulse raced out of control beneath his skin and his
breathing was frantic. "I promise. I'm here until you tell me to leave.
Whatever you say...I'll do whatever you say. I'm yours." He grabbed Yoongi's
hand and placed it to his lips. "Look at me. Breathe with me, my Yogi." He
breathed slowly in and out against the other's fingers. Yoongi tried to match
his breathing, still clinging with his other hand. "I'm home and I'm here until
you make me leave." Yoongi shook his head frenziedly, his rate of respiration
finally slowing. "Don't worry. Not even then. If you tell me to leave, I'll
fight to change your mind. Never. I'll never leave."
Yoongi nodded as he inhaled deeply and let the air out slowly, tears of relief
running down his cheeks. He looked up at the stars flickering overhead then at
the one hovering above him, face nearly unrecognizable as his warm lips stayed
glued to Yoongi's fingers. There was no question which of the two was brighter,
more beautiful. It was Taehyung; it would always be Taehyung. And when he
finally regained control of his breathing, he pulled the younger down beside
him and tangled their legs together. He wrapped an arm underneath his torso and
pulled him close.
They watched the stars while clinging to each other as if one of them could be
ripped away at any moment, both praying that time could stand still and they
could live in that moment forever...together.
Chapter End Notes
     I know that there are some of you who might believe that things moved
     to quickly. I feel like it's realistic. Relationships are like that
     sometimes, chaotic and wild and unpredictable...it was fitting. I
     just thought that Yoongi needed an outlet, a release beyond just
     tears because he holds so much of himself back. Tae, being the person
     who knows him best, would sense it and do whatever it takes to help
     him.
     I hope to see you in the comments.
     The next chapter is supposed to be Jungkook's POV, but honestly all I
     have is a few paragraphs and an idea. I'm also leaving for my second
     home in Charlotte for the holidays, so if there is no update next
     week, that is why. If you're reading 'Alone Together' I haven't even
     started the next chapter. I'm sorry. I really am trying hard to
     recover. I don't want to let you guys down, so I'm really trying.
***** Meet the Parks *****
Chapter Summary
     While plans for Tae's rescue are in motion, Jungkook is reunited with
     his family...he finds that nothing has changed. Jin offers a sweet
     gesture of support.
Chapter Notes
     Hello, my lovelies. I've missed you so much these days we've been
     apart. I used that time to grieve and though I'm still mourning it's
     getting better with each passing day. I was very triggered by what
     happened, but thanks to my daughters and my husband and a few of you
     lovelies, I found my way back. They dragged me to a basketball game
     to get me out of the house, but sadly I haven't been out of my room
     since then. Spent the whole trip in bed, drove home, and haven't left
     my room since then. My girls won't leave me alone though, they've
     spent every night in here, the supportive brats hehehe. But I'm
     smiling again, I'm promoting BTS again, I'm reading again, and most
     importantly, I'm writing again. Baby steps. Thank you for being so
     patient with me and allowing me that personal time. It meant the
     world to me.
     Before I do or say anything else: Manek, snorrmin, More!Replier!,
     iluvfangs, Lety, and 4funjinjja...you have no idea how much your
     comments helped me get through. I tried to reply several times, but I
     kept crying every time and just left it. Words are a powerful thing
     and the strength I gained by reading your thoughts and feeling your
     support...thank you. A lot of people don't realize that sometimes
     those of us who are flailing just need a listening ear. Thank you for
     hearing me, for recognizing what I needed and giving it so freely.
     Thank you for being so open. Thank you for sharing your stories and
     sympathizing. Thank you for pulling me back from the brink. Thank you
     for being there. Thank you for being the amazing 'yous' you are...I
     love you all. Always. And if ever you need a listening ear, I'm here
     for you because what is love without reciprocation?
     When I write, I become these characters...especially when it's 1st
     person pov. Taking on these personas, assuming the role of such
     broken characters takes me to a place that's borderline dangerous for
     someone like me. So that's why I had to step away. It was too risky
     while I was already vulnerable. But I'm recommitted to this story in
     a major way. I won't leave again until it's done. I promise. :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                                [display this]
It wasn’t my first time in the back of a police car, far from it, but it was
the first time I wanted to stay there. I suffered big time from grass always
greener syndrome; when confined to the hospital bed, I wanted to go anywhere as
long as it meant me getting out of that place. But as we pulled into the
driveway of my father’s house, I wished that I was back there under the careful
watch of annoying and meddlesome nurses.
We coasted to a stop and an enervating sense of dread occupied my body. I could
have choked on the imaginary cotton filling my mouth upon taking in the
uninviting house that screamed dejection. I looked at the empty seat next to me
and frowned, wishing that he was there by my side…that Tae was next to me where
he belonged. There were no beautiful, rectangular smiles to encourage me; no
soft yet strong hands to grip mine and lend me strength; no supportive, loving
words to uplift me. He was locked in a cage, hurt and half out of his
mind…thanks to me.
No matter what anybody said, I knew it was my fault that he ran back to that
bastard Kim Taesuk. It was also my fault that he was still there because I was
dumb enough to get caught before I could save him. It was my biggest regret,
leaving him down in the basement and letting him out of my sight for even a
second. No, scrap that. My biggest regret was saying the things I said to make
him think that I didn’t love him anymore, the catalyst for this entire mess.
No, not even that. If I was truly honest with myself, my biggest regret was
bringing Taehyung to Las Vegas in the first place. It was where everything went
wrong; it was the reason I lost him to someone else. It was my own fault I’d
lost the only good thing I’d ever had. Kim Taehyung was far out of my reach
now, in more ways than one.
Yoongi assured me he had a plan to get him back and I trusted he would get it
done because his love for Taehyung was so strong it was scary, but there was a
small part of me that secretly hoped he would fail. It was a horrible thought
and I knew it; it was downright pathetic. But I wanted Taehyung to need me.
Saving him from his grandfather was the thing that made him admit he loved me;
wouldn’t saving him a second time have the same result? As it stood, I was
useless and undeserving. I wanted to be the one to go in and rescue him so that
he knew I was willing to do anything for him; to remind him of why he fell in
love with me…to prove my worth. And maybe, if I was lucky enough he would
reconsider his decision, or at least give me more time to fight and plead my
case.
And there it was again, a blatant reminder of why I had to let him go; the
reason why Yoongi was the better choice. I loved Taehyung with all my heart,
but it was a selfish love. Until I learned to love him the right way, there was
no chance for us…not as lovers, not even as friends. I had to fix my way of
thinking before I lost him completely. So, even though I still wanted to fight
for him, still wanted to hold on him, I had to let him go for now. Just for a
while, because he was the only thing in this world worth loving in my eyes and
I wanted him to have his happy ending even if it was at my expense.
I ruminated briefly on who I was without Taehyung and found myself aimless and
vulnerable. Without him I held no weight. And I was sure that as soon as I saw
my father, he would remind me of that fact. I wasn’t ready to see him again. I
didn’t want to see him again. I was afraid. I was scared because I was weak
now.
Before I was tossed out of the Park family, I had been headstrong and
combative. Years of being berated and mistreated had allowed me to build up a
thick skin. It was a troubling thought that being loved and cared for so well
by Taehyung for such a long time had in fact weakened me; I was worried that I
would cry at the first harsh word he uttered. If Taehyung were here with me it
wouldn’t be so hard to face my father, but going in without a shield as strong
as him invited danger.
Namjoon and Jin tried to step in as substitues for Tae, and while I appreciated
the gesture, those two had no idea what they were up against. Even together,
their presence wouldn’t help me at all; in fact it would just make me worry
more. With easy lives of affluence and love, they didn’t understand my
situation. They didn’t know when steel was necessary or when it was best to
shut up and take it. They didn’t have the experience Tae had and would go in
blindly only to end up getting their feelings hurt. So, when my brothers
pitched a fit about them escorting me to the Park home, spouting some nonsense
about not wanting strangers on their property, I covertly cheered. I didn’t
want them to get hurt on my behalf, but I also knew that them being there
wouldn’t help me at all.
I did, however, ask for help from my new allies in law enforcement. Detectives
Griffin and Wilson said they were more than happy to escort me, which is how I
found myself in the back of an unmarked car, lamenting the loss of my one-true
love like crazy and praying that my father wasn’t waiting for me inside. It
wasn’t that I was scared of him hurting me physically…it was the massive weight
I had to endure just to be in his presence. The slaps and punches, the
bullying, the harsh words, I could take it…the expectations were what hurt the
most. Knowing that I was nothing, that I was a disappointment, that I didn’t
deserve anything...that’s what I couldn’t take. Being told to my face that I
was worthless over and over again until I believed it scared me more than
anything because…what if it was true?
Here was the problem with the Park family. You are expected to fall in line and
do as you are told without question. You are not allowed to have an independent
thought. You are not allowed to complain. You are not allowed to do anything
that could possibly diminish the family name. And if you took any action that
went against the will of the great Sungmin Park, my father, you had to atone
for it or get the fuck out. There was no sympathy, there was no understanding.
When I was younger I believed that all families worked this way and since my
only goal in life was to be accepted by the Parks, I tried my best please my
father. I let him steer me in whichever direction he wanted because all I
wanted was to gain his acceptance. I studied until my brain hurt, I
participated in pre-approved extracurriculars, I befriended peers whose parents
were friends with my parents, and I didn’t question any of it. I only wanted to
be a Park and I was willing to do anything to achieve it.
When my brothers tortured me and made me cry, I told myself it was because I
was the youngest and they wanted to make me stronger. When they gave the name
Mojopum Park, I told myself that at least I shared their name and was happy to
answer to it. When Mother Park dished out her backhanded compliments, I focused
on the positive parts and buried the insults. And when Father expressed his
disappointment, which was an every day event, I promised to work even harder to
prove my worth.
I didn’t even notice that I was cracking under the pressure. Burying everything
started to affect all aspects of my life, even my health. I can recall with
full clarity the morning that I woke up with dried blood coating my tongue. I
ran to my father in tears, fearing that I was dying and begging him to take me
to the hospital. He told me it was ‘indicative of an ulcer’, probably caused by
stress. Then he made me kneel on rice for an hour because the ulcer showed
weakness and because I cried; he said I had no reason to be stressed and that
weeping was for women. He told me that men didn’t show emotion.
I took his words as law and emptied myself. I bottled up any and all emotion
and tried my best to impress my father. Sleepless nights didn’t matter,
nosebleeds didn’t matter, wearing a rubber band around my wrist so I could yank
it hard and let in snap back against the sensitive sking there didn’t matter,
not having any friends didn’t matter, dropping 20 pounds didn’t matter, feeling
like the world was closing in around me until I would suffocate and die didn’t
matter…I drifted through life a shell, studying and doing little else. I fell
in line and did as I was told. I still got slapped around, I still got
punished, I still got degraded, and I got pushed to be a better me. Damn it,
how I tried.
I accepted insults from Mother Park. I allowed my brothers to do whatever they
wanted to torment me. I let my father direct me and mold me into what he wanted
me to be. And because I went along quietly and accepted it all, my parents said
I was filial. They bragged about what a good son I was to anyone who would
listen. Those were the only times I ever got some kind of relief.
But when there were no eyes on them, when there was no one to observe, all of
that praise disappeared and I received the treatment I’d grown to accept as
normal. I was not accepted as a member of the family. I was not a Park. I was
not loved. Hell, they didn’t even like me. I felt nothing other than the
immense pressure put on me to succeed and the vital need to feel accepted.
Emotions weren’t a thing I could recognize anymore; I was empty of anything
other than what they poured into me. And then a class trip to the Museum of
Fine Arts in Boston changed everything. That trip did for me what nothing or no
one did before…it inspired me. It excited me. I learned about passion and for
the first time understood the foreign concept of love.
From the moment I stepped inside I felt like I was drawn there. I sensed a deep
connection with the artists and their works despite having no knowledge of art.
I jotted down notes; names that I wanted to look up later or artwork that
particularly grabbed my attention. And there was one gallery that I fell in
love with and obsessed over; once I found it, I didn’t want to leave. It was
Claude Monet’s Morning on the Seine series. It put me in a trance. I couldn’t
figure out how he made it appear as if actual daylight projected from the
canvas. The color was so vivid and the paint strokes were so wild, yet I
somehow felt tranquil. The paintings gave me a peace that I had never known in
my entire life. I got so many different emotions from so many different
paintings…I was hooked. It was so bad that I kept drifting from the group to go
back there; I liked the way feeling felt.
I went home and looked up Monet first, then artists with similar styles, and
then the impressionist movement in general. I read about the war between
impressionists and academically trained artists, about how those touting
tradition and rigidity through classic training and technique tried to stamp
out the progressives who sought innovation. Something in me clicked…it was as
if my life had been prewritten; my father and the rest of those assholes sought
to force me into a role I wasn’t meant to play. I started to think that maybe I
didn’t have to be who they wanted me to be; maybe I could think for myself and
find my own way. The fact that I had to have a conversation with myself to
decide if I was allowed independence sealed the deal; I knew then that I needed
to make a change.
That change started when I decided I wanted to be an artist.
I became obsessed with all styles and forms of expression. Drawing, sculpting,
music, dance, photography, literature, hell even the human body…I loved it all.
I didn’t have much talent at drawing or painting, but dance was easy to pick up
and photography became my favorite hobby. My new found love for art injected
meaning into my life and was the stepping stone to a better, fulfilled, happier
me.
Art made me brave. Art made me feel. Art gave me a reason to stand up for
myself. Art made me ask questions and want to go my own way. Art made me happy
and inspired me. But most importantly, art killed any hope of me fitting into
the Park family because it allowed me to see the truth that I was too blind to
recognize…they were my enemy. Being accepted by the Parks was no longer an
ambition of mine; I didn’t need them anymore when I had art.
I rebelled…hard. Against being led like a sheep to slaughter, about every
aspect of my life that formerly was decided by my parents, I railed. And guess
what…nothing changed in their treatment of me. As the good son who did as he
was told, I was mistreated. As the insurgent son I was still mistreated, but at
least it happened on my terms. I went from a mouse to a fucking lion and cut
the fuck up.
I took a lot of beatings from my father, but I didn’t bend. I traded insults
with Mother Park instead of trying to find good in her words. I stood up
against my brothers and fought back when they attacked me. I questioned
everything and refused to do anything that I didn’t want to do. I was no longer
the filial son in their eyes; I became the stubborn one…the spoiled one…the
disappointment. Not because I was a bad seed or acted out, but because I didn’t
roll over for them…because I stood my ground.
When I got tossed out on my ass and cut off from the family after declaring my
homosexuality, I embraced my newly found freedom wholeheartedly. I was
determined to prove to that whole damned family that they were wrong. But the
longer I stayed on the streets, the more I saw of how the world worked, I began
to regret my actions. I started to think of myself as arrogant and
unappreciative instead of independent and brave. As I slipped further and
further into wickedness, unable to even look at myself without dissolving into
tears, I started to believe that my family had been right all along and I had
fucked up tremendously. I became a mouse again.
My mind was at war with itself as it recounted the actions that led to my
ostracization; I wanted pursue art and was attracted to men, retaliated whem my
brothers attacked me, didn’t let my mother berate me, and fought back when my
father hit me. Were those things wrong? Was it bad to want to be happy?
I slowly began to believe that was the case the more time I spent on the
streets; I thought that the harsh treatment from my family was love but I had
rebuffed it. I began to believe that I didn’t deserve to be loved, that I was
conceited and stubborn and that those were the reasons my family gave up on me.
My father’s words haunted me and I couldn’t shake off the self-doubt. I knew he
had been right all along.
I wallowed in grief and guilt and I wanted to revert, to go back to the me I
used to be, but I couldn’t close the door on the feelings I had now that it was
open. I didn’t know how to turn off who I was attracted to or how to give up on
the only thing that made me feel emotion. And I couldn’t avoid the horror movie
my life had become, so I turned to drugs as an escape.
I went back and forth, alternating from self-loathing and self-destructive to
feeling nothing at all. And then I met Taehyung. In our short time together he
taught me so many valuable things about life, and even more about love. Thanks
to him I learned that love should never be conditional, nor should it stifle
and control. I learned that love shouldn’t stoke fear or make you hide who you
really are. I learned that love shouldn’t make you feel undeserving or
unwanted. I learned that you shouldn’t have to beg for love because if it was
real, it was given freely. And though I didn’t trust it, though I was
skeptical, I accepted those lessons because, against my better judgement, I
fell in love with him from the very start.
Taehyung made me brave. Taehyung gave me strength. Taehyung gave me confidence.
Taehyung gave me support. Taehyung accepted me as I was. Taehyung made me feel.
He became my new ‘art’ and I found my roar again.
And now that I had to enter this miserable household against my will, I didn’t
want to become the mouse I had been when I lived there. I was scared that I
wouldn’t be able to stand up on my own. Without Taehyung, I was defenseless and
I was terrified.
But I had to brave it all…for Tae, I had to get my shit together and face my
past. I had to prove to myself that his love for me, his support of and faith
in me wasn’t in vain. I wanted to prove myself as worthy and I wanted to make
him proud of me. If I could go in and avoid getting into trouble, just wait out
my time there quietly, it would be a major show of self-control…something I
definitely lacked. It would be the first step in a huge slew of steps to prove
to myself and him that I could love him in a healthy way.
“Are you ready?”
I forced myself to focus on the two officers staring back at me worriedly. I
had been so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn’t know which one of them asked
the question. “If I said no, can I go back to the hospital? Or maybe there’s a
cell I can stay in…” I joked.
“Hopefully, you won’t have to be here long. Just keep your head down and
wait…we’re working on something to get you out of this mess,” Griffin said.
“Keeping my head down won’t help much…not here. But I have it better than Tae
does right now, so I won’t complain. And I have a point to prove…let’s get this
over with.”
Wilson opened my door to let me out; we walked up the front door. Before either
of us could ring the doorbell, the door swung open to reveal my mother, a wide
yet totally false smile planted on her chubby face.
“Jungkook!” She swept me into her arms in a bone-crushing hug. “Ah, you’re an
adult now…you’ve grown so much in the time you’ve spent away.” She didn’t say
anything about my injuries. She didn’t acknowledge the reason why I spent so
much time away. She glossed over these unpleasantries as she had done for those
in the past…nothing had changed. “You’ve put on weight, you don’t look so
waifish and ‘dainty’ now.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, easily catching the dig at my manhood. My
detective buddies weren’t accustomed, so I’m sure they’d missed it. “Hello,
Mother Park.” I hated calling her that. It was just a way to distinguish me
from her actual children. It felt great not having that longing to call her
mother anymore, now that I knew she was the furthest thing from it. I returned
her smile with a menacing, tight grin of my own; she recoiled.
“Come in, all of you.” She led us inside, beckoning the detectives to follow as
she roughly grabbed my arm and led us into the den. She played the role of
hostess well, sliced fruit and tea service already waiting for us as we sat.
The two detectives looked confused…not surprising. “Would you like anything,
officers?”
“No, thank you,” Wilson said, waving her off.
“We just came to explain the conditions of Jungkook’s house arrest.” Griffin
shot me a look that said I thought you said these people were monsters. I
rolled my eyes. “He isn’t confined to the house, but he does have a curfew of
10 p.m. Otherwise, he is free to come and go as he pleases because all of his
movements will be tracked. The restraining order went into effect as soon as he
left the hospital, so he is not allowed to visit any properties owned or
controlled my Taesuk Kim, nor any of their family members. He is not allowed to
have contact with any member of the Kim family, especially Taehyung Kim.”
“But I work for Seokjin Kim and Namjoon Kim is my therapist. Does that mean I’m
out of a job? What about my sessions? How will I know what happens to Tae?”
Being confined to the house was one thing, but cutting off all ties with the
Kims was too much.
“What sessions?” the frowning matriarch of my former family asked. “You don’t
need a therapist when you have your family to take care of you now, do you?”
“Since when have you been an expert on mental health? This so-called family is
the main reason why I needed sessions in the first place,” I mumbled. “And last
time I checked, I was stricken from the register. I have a new family now.”
“You’ve always been overly sensitive and dramatic…so feminine. I guess that’s
common, being the way are.” She frowned, delicately pouring herself a cup of
tea while I grimaced. There it was again. Her silly and ignorant insinuation
that just because I liked dick I was less of a man. I wanted to stuff my boot
down her throat, but I restrained myself. I caught the eyes of the detectives;
now they were seeing it. I reminded myself that I couldn’t get into trouble. I
had to be patient…I would endure it all for Tae. “But everything will be fine
now that you’re home. You don’t need those sessions anymore. And as far as
working, wouldn’t it be better to just focus on school?”
“I’m not enrolled in school yet. I’m still saving up money so that I can
attend.”
“Unnecessary when your college fund is sitting there waiting to be used.”
“With a stipulation that I declare pre-med and marry the person you two choose
for me. Not interested.”
She turned her attention to the detectives. “Is there anything worse in this
world than an ungrateful child?”
“Yes…domineering, abusive parents,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.
“The eye that mocks a father and scorns a mother, the ravens of the valley will
pick it out and the young eagles will eat it. Proverbs 30:17.” She sipped her
tea, eyes cast low. “You’ve learned nothing in your time away, have you? You’re
still just a know it all, spoiled, unappreciative brat who refuses to see
reason. Even as an adult, you still throw your little hissy fits…how
embarrassing! I wonder sometimes if this weakness is hereditary, but we’ll
never know for sure will we?” She smiled sweetly and it made me feel sick.
“Jimin and Bogum never behave in such away, but they don’t have a bad mix of
blood do they?”
Of course she would go so low and bring my dead mother into it. I was just
about to fire back when the two detectives stood. “I think it’s time we took
our leave,” Wilson said. “Thank you for your hospitality, Mrs. Park. Jungkook,
could you show us out?”
“Certainly,” I forced out through strained teeth. I stood and led them to the
front door. “About that jail cell…”
“Sorry, kid. There’s nothing we can do.” He patted me on the shoulder. “Just
follow our advice. Keep your head down, stay out of their way, and don’t make
trouble. Lock yourself in your room if that’s what it takes. Until we get this
mess sorted out you need a pristine image.”
“We’re working on something. Just be patient and continue to trust us. We’ll
get you out of here as soon as we can,” Griffin promised.
“I’ll try my best.”
“Good. Now about the car that was found on the Kim estate…since it was
registered to Taehyung, it was turned over to Taesuk Kim. You’ll be without
transportation, which is a good thing because we don’t need you going back
there. Also, until everything is cleared up contact with Taehyung will not only
be illegal, but it could also put him in danger according to Yoongi. Keep your
distance until we give you the all-clear.”
“I really won’t be able to see him then?” I thought of him lying in his cage,
bleeding and shivering. How would I make myself stay away when I knew he would
need me? Then I thought about Kim Taesuk finding him and taking him off
somewhere I couldn’t follow. I didn’t like the idea of that at all. “I can do
that, just promise me that you’ll call and let me know that he’s safe. That’s
all I really care about.” That was a half truth. Getting him out of there safe
and sound was the most important thing, quintessential, but I also needed to
repair our relationship. I needed to apologize for making him feel unloved for
even a second…and I wanted to hear that he still loved me, too. I also wanted
to take care of him the way he cared for me. It was self-serving, but I needed
that.
“Will do. Rest up, kid. We’ll be in touch.”
“Oh, I almost forgot…” Wilson dug into his pocket and pulled out my cellphone,
handing it over. “I had a hunch that if I gave it to you in front of her that
it wouldn’t be a good thing.”
“Thank you. She would have taken it.” I really had to sit down and re-evaluate
my opinion on cops. “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me.
Thanks for listening.”
“Just..take care of yourself, okay? It’s just a hunch, but I don’t like the
feel of this place. Head down, no trouble.”
I nodded as he ruffled my hair; even though it annoyed me I let it slide just
this once. “I will. And don’t forget to call me with any news.”As soon as I
shut the door behind me on the still waving detectives, I could feel the walls
pressing in on me. The air grew dense and sat heavy on my shoulders, crushing
me into the floor.
I hated it. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be here.
                                     *****
“Are you about to cry now, Mojo? That’s all I want to see…c’mon, cry for me
little brother.”
I tried to melt into the wall, fists glued to my sides. I told myself to not
react, to not do anything that would get me into further trouble. I wasn’t
afraid of him at all, not anymore. I was more afraid of losing control and
doing something stupid. I couldn’t risk doing anything violent. All it would
take is one call to the police and it would add credence to Kim Taesuk’s claim.
And if I was locked away, then how would I ever get to see Taehyung again? Not
just him, but the rest of my family, too. I just wanted to go home. Snapping on
Jimin would make that impossible.
He cruelly squeezed my cheeks together, disregarding the damage on my face.
“Your fuckbuddies aren’t here to protect you now. Cry bitch.”
“Fuck you.” I didn’t want to give that pipsqueak tyrant, Jimin, the
satisfaction of seeing me cry.
He punched me again so hard that even though I tensed my abs in preparation, I
sank to my knees gagging, palms pressed against the floor. He kicked me hard
and an explosion of pain filled my chest…stupid bruised ribs. I could no longer
hold back the tears; they ran pathetically down my cheeks.
He roughly grabbed my cheek and forced me to look at him. His eyes lit up as if
he’d witnessed something miraculous. “Finally…was that so hard?” He smacked my
head down hard, making sure to tread on my hand as he left my room smirking.
“See you at the dinner table, Mojo.”
What does it say about the Park family that he didn’t even have to close the
door while he did what he did? He didn’t whisper, he didn’t enter my room
stealthily, and the entire family was home…I’d even heard someone walk by my
door. But no one did anything. No one said anything. This was normal. This was
what family meant to these people and it sickened me to remember that at one
point I bought into it. It made me even more thankful that I found Tae and
learned differently.
I picked myself up and shook out my burning hand, angrily batting away my
tears. They weren’t even real tears, just an involuntary reflex to the pain.
But he was gone so there was that. Maybe it was enough for him to leave me
alone for the rest of the night.
I fixed my clothes and went downstairs. I didn’t want to have dinner with them,
but if I didn’t go someone would come up and drag me down anyway. I quietly
took a seat towards the end of the table, unfortunately Jimin came and sat
directly next to me. I paid him no mind, just took some of whatever was in
reach and put it on my plate. I didn’t lift my eyes up from the table.
It was too quiet, so quiet in fact that I wanted to scream just to hear
something. I thought about how drastically different my meals were with
Taehyung. How we would laugh and talk about our day, joke around and build
things or even fling forkfuls of food at each other. If the meals were quiet we
would smile and just enjoy being with each other, holding hands or playing
footsie. Our meals were filled with love. Hell, even my one meal with Min
Yoongi involved nonstop talking and allowed us to deepen our bond until we
became something close to friends. But with these people whom I had spent my
entire life with, grown up around, there was nothing there. No connection, no
emotion, no nothing…I was a stranger. I was not a Park. This was not my family.
“You’ve come crawling back.” Even though I didn’t want to look up, I felt
compelled. I slowly lifted my gaze from the plate to the menacing man towering
over the table glaring at me. I was confused because the other three seemed
shocked to see him there; Bogum let out a quiet gasp when our father took a
seat.
I froze. He didn’t even address me by name; he didn’t ask. He said it like it
was an inevitability that came to fruition, like he had been waiting for a long
time for me to come back home with my tail between my legs. If I said what I
wanted to say, that I hadn’t come by choice, it would only cause a scene and
give the other three the opportunity to team up against me. I wasn’t in the
mood to be combative and I didn’t want to cause trouble. I had to think of Tae;
he was all that mattered. I lifted my eyes to meet his penetrating gaze. “Yes,
sir. Thank you for welcoming me into your home.”
“I wouldn’t call it ‘welcoming’ exactly.” He took a few bites of food. “Have
you corrected your issue?”
I gripped my fork, feeling it digging into my palm. “I was unaware that there
was an issue to correct, sir.”
“So, you haven’t outgrown that phase then?”
“It’s not a phase, sir. It’s who I am.”
And that was that. He didn’t acknowledge me again, nor did he say anything to
anyone else at the table. After a few minutes he stood and left without a word.
I looked around to find Mother Park staring accusingly at me while my brothers
shot daggers with their eyes. I had no idea what I had done to make them upset.
I hadn’t said anything wrong. I had been respectful. I had done my best not to
cause trouble.
Jimin swept my plate from the table and onto my lap. “Whoops,” he said before
bursting into laughter. Then he picked up my water glass and dumped it on top
of the mess. "I guess your table manners haven't improved in your absence," he
said grinning. Bogum pulled out his phone and Mother Park sipped from her
wineglass…it was like nothing happened.
“May I be excused?” I asked politely, refusing to let them see me rattled.
“Poor Mojo, can’t get through one dinner without a theatrical display,” Bogum
muttered. “It’s so annoying, mother. He’s ruining my appetite.”
“Well, if you must leave in the middle of this lovely dinner that I slaved over
to welcome you home, I guess so,” Mother Park conceded. “I’ll clean up the mess
you made.”
I felt those walls closing in again. Even though I knew that Jimin made the
mess, somehow they managed to make me feel like it was all my fault. “Thank
you. I’m sorry.” I stood too quickly and unconsciously made the plate fall to
the floor where it shattered into pieces.
“There’s no need to throw things, Jungkook. Go have your hissy fit upstairs,”
she said while glaring at me over the top of her glass.
“I’m sorry.” I got the hell out of there. I hightailed it to my room, this time
making sure to lock the door behind me. I buried my face in the pillow and
cried silently. I refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing me breakdown.
                                     *****
“How is it going? Are you okay?”
I could hear the concern in Jin-hyung’s voice and it made me feel warm inside.
“I’m…fine. Don’t worry about me.” I heard his relieved exhalation and knew it
was best not to share any of my feelings with him. He was probably going
through enough worrying, but I had to ask. “Any word on Tae? The detectives
told me they were working on a plan.”
“No, I haven’t heard anything yet. I’ve been trying to reach Joon, but he’s not
answering so I came straight to his place to wait for him. Yoongi isn’t picking
up either. I feel so alone right now and I just want all of us to be together.”
He sighed heavily. “I wish I could come and see you, but they’ve told me that
it would only cause you more trouble.”
“Yeah. Your uncle really did a good job with this frame up.”
“I know.” There was an awkward pause. “You know, I’m just as good a listener as
Joon. If you’re not okay you can talk to me about it.”
“I know. I really am okay, just lonely.” It was only a partial lie. “I really
miss you guys even though I just saw you today. And I’m worried about Tae. I
miss him so much.”
“We all do, but I guess it’s harder for you. Especially since…”
“Yeah.” Especially since we ended things between us. Especially since I was the
reason he felt he had nowhere left to go but back to that bastard Kim Taesuk.
Especially since I found him and left him there to suffer. It was exceptionally
harder for me knowing all of those things.
“But there’s nothing that can be done now. I’ll just sit here and wait…alone.”
I couldn’t camouflage the sadness in my words.
“I’m sorry, Jungkook.” He paused again for a second. “Hey…I gotta go. Talk to
you soon, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks for checking in on me.”
“It was more for my benefit than yours,” he said, laughing sadly. “Bye.”
“Bye.” I hung up feeling even more lonely. There was nothing else to do, so I
rummaged through the drawers and grabbed the biggest t-shirt I could find and a
pair of boxers that would surely cut off my circulation and headed for the
shower.
On my way there, I overheard voices coming from the master bedroom. I
approached quietly, listening intently.
“It’s the first time I’ve heard that bastard’s voice in almost a year…and he
only spoke to him? I’ve done everything expected of me as a wife.” I could hear
her sobbing quietly. “I’ve taken on his burden as my own and he can’t even say
‘thanks for the meal’.”
“You know how stressful his job is, Mom,” I heard Jimin say. “He barely ate, I
doubt he even realized he was eating. And it’s not like they had a
conversation.”
“He got far more than we’ve gotten these last few years,” Bogum griped. “I
don’t understand any of it. Why is he here? Why did he have to come back?”
“I don’t know what Father is thinking by inviting that blight back into our
home, but I do know that it’s upsetting everyone and the bastard doesn’t even
care. We’re his kids, too. We were here first and he doesn’t give a damn about
how we feel.”
“Your father loves you very much, don’t ever doubt that. It’s the only reason
I’ve managed to…” she trailed off. “He can’t even appreciate the fact that I’ve
taken care of his mistake, that I’ve raised his mutt in our home along with you
two, even though it hurts to look at his face. Every time I see him…it’s like
she’s here. And I’m just supposed to accept it? I’m supposed to bear it? He
comes home early for the first time in four years just to see him…and he
doesn’t say a word to the rest of us. We’ve been here and it’s like we don’t
even matter.”
“Where is he now?” Jimin asked.
“Wherever it is he goes when he’s not here,” Bogum replied with some bite.
“You shouldn’t be angry with your father, it’s not his fault. It’s Jungkook…”
She dissolved into sobs again as her sons tried to console her. I snuck quietly
away and into the safety of the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
How was I supposed to feel upon hearing that? Was I supposed to sympathize with
them because they didn’t get the attention they wanted? I wished I could give
them the attention I got. I never saw my brothers kneel or get punished. I
never saw them get hit. I never saw them want for anything…they didn’t know how
good they had it.
They were spoiled, the whole lot of them. And the fact that they blamed me for
all of it was ridiculously unfair. It’s not like I asked to be born. I didn’t
want Sungmin Park as my father. I didn’t want his money, nor did I want to live
in his house. And I for damned sure didn’t want to be a part of his fucked up
family.
It pissed me off that they were so petty. They could all choke and die and I
wouldn’t bat a lash. I loathed the Parks, my father included, and I hated being
here even more than they hated me being here.
I angrily turned on the tap and climbed in. I let the hot water wash over me
and pushed the Park family out of my thoughts. It almost relaxed me…almost.
When I was done, I returned to my room a little bit lighter. And then I saw my
room.
The mattress had been flipped and clothes littered the floor. Posters were torn
from the walls, the computer desk was upside down, dresser drawers were open
and empty, and my bedside lamp had been thrown across the room, where it now
laid in pieces.
I heard laughter behind me and spun around to face those two idiots lingering
in the hallway. Mother Park pushed her way through and took in the state of the
room. “Apparently, you’ve become a pig since we last saw you. First, the mess
at dinner and now this?” I didn’t even try to defend myself because there was
nothing I could say that would win her over to my side. She was as much a part
of this as ther were. I hated them so much. “Clean this up now, Jungkook.”
I walked over and slammed the door in all of their faces and locked it,
ignoring their protests and insults. I couldn’t let them see me cry. I
wouldn’t…
                                     *****
The vibrating phone pulled me from my daydream. I removed it from inside my
pillow, looked at the screen, and answered. “Jin-hyung?”
“I couldn’t help myself. I just left a box on your doorstep.” He sounded out of
breath. “I wish I could have stayed long enough to see you get it but I think
I’m being followed.”
“What?” I leapt from my bed and threw on my slippers, checking the hallway
before sneaking down stairs. “By who?”
“Probably someone sent by Uncle. But why would they be following me?
Unless…bastard, that would explain why I can't find him?”
“Unless what? Find who.”
“Nothing...it's not important, just talking to myself.” I could hear the squeal
of tires. “Anyway, I could tell you were sad and I knew you were lonely, so I
grabbed a few things from Joon’s place and a few from your place and left them
for you. Since I can’t see you, I thought it was the least I could do.”
“Hyung…” he had no idea how grateful I felt. “Thanks. Thank you so much.”
“No problem. Take care of yourself, okay? I’m headed back to Joon’s. I’ll call
tomorrow to check on you.”
“Okay, hyung. Please be safe.” He hung up without saying anything else.
I made to the front door and checked to make sure the alarm was disabled before
opening the door. The box was right where he said it would be. I snatched it
and hurried upstairs and into the privacy of my now tidy room, making sure to
lock the door behind me. I set the box on my bed and plopped down on my knees
to open it up. There at the very top, seated on everything else…
“Taedy Bear!” I grabbed him and gave him a squeeze. He still smelled like Tae
and it was such a wonderful thing to hold him in my arms again. I inhaled
deeply and the effect was immediate; I could feel my spirit lifting. I dug
around finding joggers and t-shirts, some mine and some Tae’s. My laptop sat
right in the middle of the clothes and I also found two bags of cookies from
the café where I worked; it smelled like my favorite, chocolate chip. And at
the very bottom of the box was a very familiar hoodie. I remembered him wearing
it the day before we left for Vegas. We cuddled in bed that night, watching a
stupid movie that we ended up ignoring so that we could make out. I could still
remember the smile he wore as he lifted his arms so I could slip it off…good
times. We’d left it on the sofa that night before we went to bed and Jin
must’ve grabbed it.
I didn’t hesitate to pull it on; I swam in his scent. “Tae…” I moved the box to
the floor and laid back on my pillow, cuddling Taedy. I shot Jin a quick text
to thank him again before letting it drop to the bed. No sooner had I dropped
it that it started vibrating again, so I picked up without even checking the
screen expecting to hear Jin.
“Hyungie, everything was perfect! You even remembered Taedy.”
“Jungkook?”
I sat up so fast poor Taedy bear went tumbling to the floor. “Who is this?”
“Detective Griffin. We made you a promise earlier…” I tensed. It couldn’t be
good news. Not this easily, this quickly. There was no way or I would have done
it myself. Panic slowly filled my chest and I braced myself for whatever he
would say. “He’s safe with Yoongi at an undisclosed location. We got him out.”
“Is okay? Is he hurt? When? How?” Tears sprang up as both relief and
disappointment enveloped me. “I-I just saw you today…you said you were working
on something but I didn’t expect it to be this fast. And Yoongi-hyung didn’t
tell me anything at all. How did you…” How did you succeed where I couldn’t?
How did you get him out when I had to leave him behind? How did you pull this
off without the person who loves him most?
“It’s not the how that matters; the less you know the better. Just know that he
and Yoongi are safe and he’s getting much needed medical treatment.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
“I think so, with time. But he’s pretty beat up…I saw his back. His face was
just as bad. And he seems pretty out of it, poor kid thinks he’s dreaming.”
“Can I see him? Can I call him?”
“I’m afraid you can’t. The restraining order, remember?”
“Oh…yeah. That’s right. I can’t go near him or contact him.” The tears burned
trails into my cheeks. "Would it count if I called Yoongi instead?"
"Honestly, kid. I don't think now is a good time. Like I said, he was messed up
and out of it. I think you should give them a bit of time."
“But he’s breathing. He’s breathing and he’s alive and he’s with
Yoongi…that’s…I’m glad.” I didn’t know it was possible to be ecstatic but still
want to die. That was it. It was final. He and Yoongi were together and it was
only a matter of time until they declared their feelings for each other. It was
Yoongi who saved him this time…I didn’t have anything left to offer. He didn’t
need me anymore. I looked at the ring on my finger; it felt too heavy. It felt
like I was losing Tae all over again. “Thank you. For whatever it is you did to
free him, thank you. You have no idea how relieved I am.”
“Wilson and I both feel that we owe you an apology. When you told me the story,
I was highly skeptical. I didn’t believe it until I saw him with my own eyes.
I’m so sorry for not trusting you. And I’m sorry that you’re being punished for
something you didn’t do. I’ve already told Yoongi this, but we’re going do
whatever is in our power to get these charges dropped.”
“I don’t care what happens to me, as long as he’s safe. As long as he’s free.”
It was the truth. It didn’t matter anymore whether the charges were dropped or
not; either way, I couldn’t be with the person I loved. It was tiring and
frustrating and too damned strenuous trying to let go of a love that I didn’t
want to be rid of, and I knew that there was no way in hell I would be able to
stay away from him for long. But watching him and Yoongi together…it would be
unbearable. Prison was preferable to witnessing their love for each other day
after day and knowing that I would never have what they had.
“Well, it’s not enough for us. I hoped that we could get Taehyung down to the
station tomorrow, but his state of mind is too fractured. The best way to get
you off is to get a statement from him, so we’re going to have to wait until
he’s capable. You may be stuck there for a few days. Can you handle that?”
“It’s nothing,” I lied. “Thank you again for helping to get him out of there
and for letting me know.”
“Of course. Goodnight, Jungkook.”
“Goodnight.”
There were so many emotions swirling around inside me. I was happy, ec-fucking-
static actually that Tae was out of that cage and safe. That was a given. I was
also disappointed that I wasn’t involved in his rescue. I was annoyed that I
couldn’t see him or talk to him, especially when he needed me most. Lastly, I
was scared about being left behind.
I tucked the phone inside my pillow and picked up Taedy to squeeze him to my
chest. The sweet scent of his body wash, though faint, was enough to comfort
me. I could almost imagine he was lying next to me.
I gave myself over to the illusion, closing my eyes and picturing him next to
me. “Hyung…what are you when your smile is like slivers of sunshine?” I asked
the empty room. I waited for a minute, picturing his handsome face screwed up
in concentration. “Ray-hyung. Get it? Sun ray, Ray-hyung. Funny right?” I
rolled over onto my side, envisioning him intertwining our fingers and
laughing. “When I see you again for the first time and can’t find the right
words…hey-hyung.” I settled into the fantasy, feeling at peace for the first
time since I entered this house.
Suddenly a deafening boom resounded in the room, effectively startling me from
the bed onto my ass on the floor. Panicked, I looked over to see that my door
hung pathetically from one hinge. I heard a chuckle that sounded a lot like
Bogum's in the hallway and put my guard up. I tucked Taedy underneath the
mattress knowing that if they found him they would destroy him. There would be
no sleep for me tonight, not without the protection of a lock.
After a few minutes of watching the doorway, I got up and dragged the big box
to store it deep in the back of my closet. Then I resumed my post on the bed,
sitting and staring at the empty doorway at the ready. They wouldn’t catch me
off guard tonight.
“What I really wanted to say to you before I got on that plane and lost you
forever…” I mumbled, feeling helpless and afraid, but determined. “Stay-hyung.
I should have said it.”
Chapter End Notes
     Not all abuse is physical, right? Our poor, dear Jungkook. We delved
     a little deeper into his past in this chapter and it was quite hard
     to write it. My oh my are those Parks the shittiest people you ever
     met, or what? (Not Taesuk level, but pretty bad.) What did you guys
     think of Jungkook's father? The scene was short but it was vitally
     important. Did you catch it?
     I want to hug Jungkook and tell him it's okay. He's still struggling
     with those insecurities and even though Tae made his choice, our
     bunny is still hoping. The ending, him playing their game by
     himself...ripped my poor heart into pieces. And though I'm absolutely
     in love with Taegi in this story, I can't help hoping with him.
     Which part/Park family member pissed you off the most? Jimin at the
     dinner table had me wanting to fight, but of course Mother Park is
     the one who really grinds my fucking gears. I can't wait until she
     meets Eomma Yun...is that a spoiler? Hmmmm....
     If you notice any major mistakes let me know. My proofreading is shit
     these days. And as always, thanks for wasting your precious time on
     my words. I greatly appreciate it. ;)
     Next week:
     Chapter 54: House Arrest
     Jungkook struggles in the Park house. If the chapter doesn't grow too
     much in the next week, he will have a visitor(s)...*hint*
***** The Perils of House Arrest *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook unwillingly goes on an emotional journey as the pressures of
     living in the Park household, the guilt from Taehyung's imprisonment,
     and animosity towards Yoongi weigh on his mind.
Chapter Notes
     It's still Wednesday, lol. This was supposed to go up nearly 12 hours
     ago, but I read it and not only was it short (8 pages) but I found it
     lacking. So, I reworked it and expanded some scenes...The length
     doubled and I delved a bit deeper into Jungkook's feelings. I still
     feel it could be better, but at least it's better than what I had
     before.
     Enjoy my lovelies.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I stood at the window with tired eyes and watched the sun begin its lazy ascent
into the sky. The night had been uneventful and quiet; I had a distinct feeling
that me waiting up all night was what that asshole intended all along. I gave
the bastard exactly what he wanted and it irked me that I had fallen for it.
My eyes itched and leaked sleepy tears as I yawned and stretched, joints
popping loudly and injuries twinging. I heard movement in different parts of
the house and smelled the beginnings of breakfast; the chance of quick nap was
impossible with those bastards roaming freely. Instead of trying to rest, I
climbed onto my bed, reclined against the padded headboard, and dug my phone
out of its hiding place. I intended to play a game until it was time to go down
for breakfast, but there was a message waiting for me.
BitesizeDracula: asshole, u asleep?
BitesizeDracula: Hey brat
BitesizeDracula: got him out
BitesizeDracula: he’s here with me
BitesizeDracula: safe and asleep
BitesizeDracula: gonna be a long night
BitesizeDracula: txt me when you get this
I texted him immediately. Tae was on my mind all night and I needed to know if
he was okay. I don’t know why but it felt like my anxiety was on some next
level shit. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or maybe it was the fact that I had
been on edge the entire night, hell, days really considering the drama with Kim
Taesuk. Even now my senses were on high alert in case my brothers decided they
wanted to have some fun before breakfast. Whatever the cause, every human
emotion possible—all seven of those cartoon dwarfs and maybe twenty of their
friends—partied in my stomach, addled my brain, and slaughtered my heart. And
through it all only one thought managed to cling to my consciousness: Is Tae
okay?
The detectives hadn’t given me any details, not really, so I really needed to
hear from Yoongi. I knew I wouldn’t be at ease until I was able to see him for
myself, to hear from him directly that he was fine. But until then, until I was
cleared of these fucked up charges I would have to take what I could get.
                                                             Me: Hyung…u awake?
I stared at the screen, willing him to text back now. I knew that patience was
one of my weaker points, so I wasn’t surprised at the building irritation. Even
though it had been less than a minute, I was pissed that he didn’t reply and I
had to restrain myself from sending profanities to encourage him to answer
faster.
BitesizeDracula: Yeah…watching him sleep
Relief flooded my body. I didn’t waste time with greetings or jokes. At the
moment, I didn’t give a damn about anything other than how Taehyung was, not
even my own feelings of resentment. I had to know how he was doing. And I
wanted to know how the hell Min Yoongi succeeded where I failed. How had he
done it?
                                                             Me: What happened?
                                                                  Me: Is he ok?
BitesizeDracula: it was too easy
BitesizeDracula: cops distracted the old man
BitesizeDracula: I snuck in
BitesizeDracula: used some shit to erode the lock
BitesizeDracula: disguised Tae & snuck him out
BitesizeDracula: he’s NOT ok
Yeah, it was pretty fucking easy. He had cops backing him; he went in with a
whole team behind him. It was impossible for him to fail. Even if he had been
caught by the old man, he still would have gotten Tae out. It was unfair. I got
my ass kicked and got slapped with charges, a restraining order, and house
arrest. Min Yoongi got Tae. How in the fuck was that fair?
But the most important thing he’d written: he’s NOT ok. He wasn’t ok. He wasn’t
ok and now I wasn’t okay either. I needed more information, so although I was
extremely upset I tried to continue the conversation.
                                                        Me: Did he talk at all?
BitesizeDracula: Not much
Texting wasn’t enough; it didn’t allow the complexities of a real conversation.
I couldn’t tell how Yoongi felt from written word…hearing his voice would be
the best indicator of Tae’s condition. I would be able to hear it if something
were wrong.
                                                          Me: Hyung…can I call?
The phone began to vibrate in my hand; I tried to compose myself, but failed
and just answered. “Hyung…how are you holding up?”
“About as good I could be in a situation like this. I was so worried that he
would disappear on me so I stayed up and watched him all night. I’ve never been
so fucking stressed in my whole life. How did you do it for so long?”
It was bad. Tae’s condition was bad, I could feel it. Now that I had him on the
phone, I didn’t want to hear it. “I didn’t. As soon as I found out about it, I
put a stop to it.”
“You and I are too much alike. That’s what I want to do more than anything, to
stop it…permanently. I will, maybe not in the way I want to…maybe not with the
pain and torment a fuckhole like him deserves, but I will end him and he’ll
never lay his filthy hands on Tae again.”
“I’ll be right there with you, hyung. For Tae, we’ll make sure it can’t happen
again.” I heard Yoongi sigh into the phone and I could imagine him squeezing
the bridge of his nose with his eyes squinted shut; Tae did the same thing all
the time. They did it whenever they were particularly frustrated, which meant
that things had to be pretty bleak. Hyung was worried. “How bad is he? Be
honest…don’t hold anything back.” I braced myself to hear the worst.
It was as if he was waiting for the chance to vent. “Physically, I’ve never
been more disgusted in my life. I’m trying like hell not to imagine what it
took to cause the injuries he has, but my mind won’t let it go. His face, fuck
it’s…I can’t even recognize him and I know his face better than I know my own.
The bruises and the scars on his body, I don’t even know how he survived it.
How could anybody live through that?”
“Tae can because he’s fearless and he's the strongest person I know.” I
couldn’t hide the pride in my voice. “My hyung can survive anything. It’s why I
love—“ I remembered then where we all stood. He wasn’t our Tae anymore. Now
that the drama was over, he was Yoongi’s Tae. I couldn’t brag to Yoongi about
my love for Tae; it was weird. They were together and I didn’t want to be seen
as that pathetic clinger, even though that’s what I’d become. Wishing that
Yoongi wouldn’t be able to rescue him without my help, hoping that Tae would
come to a sudden realization that I was the one he wanted instead…I couldn’t
let it go, didn’t want to either. But I didn’t want to be so transparent about
it. It might make Yoongi-hyung uncomfortable and then I would get cut off…I
refused to let that happen. It was okay to still love him like this, as long as
I kept it to myself. I had to be more careful with my words.
“Hey, brat! Where did you go?”
“Huh?”
“You’re not even listening. By staying silent you just agreed that you’re a
bunny-squirrel hybrid who OD’ed on Muscle Milk and likes to call me Master.
Where in the fuck is your head right now?”
“Sorry. My mind got away from me for a second.”
“Look, let’s just get this out of the way. I know what’s bothering you. I may
not be as smart as Tae, but I’m not so stupid that I would just expect your
feelings for him to vanish into thin air. It's only been a week since you two
ended things and I know if it were me, I wouldn't be over it. You love him and
that’s fine. You don’t have to hide that from me.”
“I-I just…I don’t want to cause trouble. I don’t want you to feel like you have
to keep him away from me because I can’t control how I feel.”
“I wouldn’t do that even if I wanted to…no, I can’t lie. If it were up to me,
and don’t get me wrong I like you a lot, kid, and consider you a friend, hell,
you’re family now. But if I could I would take him and run as far away from you
as I can. But I know that Tae wouldn’t let me. I’m still getting used to the
idea, but fuck, he loves you. If I forced him to cut you out of his life, it
would kill him. He would probably do it, but it would hurt him. I won’t do that
to him. I can’t hurt him..not again.”
Yet again, the bastard proved why he was the better choice…the better man. I
sat there trying not to crush my phone, trying not to be bitter, but I couldn’t
help it. How were we so alike but so different? How could he be so unselfish
and caring, even after being deprived of the person he loved for so long? If I
were him, I would take Tae and run. I would do it as sure as I drew breath
because I wanted him to belong to me, all of him only for me. I had to work on
it. I had to fix myself and soon if I wanted to make this work; if I wanted to
keep Taehyung in my life…Yoongi too. “I understand, but I don’t. And I like you
too, hyung. It’s just…I fucking hate you. I like you but I also hate you
because you didn’t even have to fight. You didn’t do anything and still you
walked away the winner. You’re everything I wish I could be and you took the
man I love away from me. I’m your friend, I’m your family, but I also hate you.
You’re…” I punched the mattress in frustration. “Why can’t I be more like you
hyung?”
“Trust me, kid, you shouldn’t want that. It’s fucking torture being me. You
have no idea how hard it is!” he yelled, trying to whisper it. I could hear him
moving around, I guess leaving the bed so that he didn’t disturb Tae. I ignored
the stab of jealousy. “Didn’t I tell you before that I downplay my shit? After
everything you did, all the stupid ass stunts you pulled, still, he…fuck!” I
heard him take a few breaths, trying to calm himself. “You’re a threat to the
future I want to build with him, Jungkook, and it fucking kills me that he
won’t turn you loose. But I don’t have the luxury of whining about it or
complaining because I’m the level-headed one; I’m the mature one and I have to
be strong for him because that’s what he needs right now. I’m not allowed to
fall apart even though that’s all I want to do.”
“Hyung, I had no idea. You mask it all so well that it’s easy to forget…”
He gave a mournful laugh. “Trust me, you don’t want to be me, brat. Even though
he’s right here next to me, he’s not mine…not completely. You’re always going
to be right there between us. I feel like there's a clock ticking in my head,
like there's an expiration date on this thing he and I have, and it scares me
to death. I'm waiting for him to wake up and say, Fuck Yoongi, I chose wrong.
I’m in hell, Jungkook, literal hell and you can’t even imagine the pain I feel,
but you know what? Even though I want to, I have no right to complain. Not when
he’s lying here next to me looking like this. Compared to everything he’s been
through these past few days alone, my pain is nothing. He’s here and he’s safe
and when he wakes up I’m going to show him how much I love him every second of
every day for the rest of my life. Every ounce of suffering, it’s worth it if I
get to be with him whether it's just until tomorrow or for the rest of our
lives.”
"That’s something we can agree on.” There was an awkward pause, both of us
stewing in our own anger…our doubts. “If it means anything to you, our truce is
still intact. To me, it is.”
“To me, too, brat. But you’re still a temperamental, reckless, childish
dumbass.”
“And you’re a spoiled, guarded, boyfriend-stealing prick. Still, those feelings
you have…if you need to let them out, you can talk to me. Like it or not, we’re
stuck with each other so we need to take care of each other, right?”
“You’re right.”
The tension evaporated just like that. The peace I felt was temporary, I knew
it, but I was happy to have it and grateful to my hyung for giving it to me.
Knowing that I wasn’t the only one in agony made me feel better for some
reason. “Now that we’ve gotten that unpleasantness out of the way, back to Tae.
The detectives said something about him thinking it was all a dream.”
“Whatever that monster, that fucking waste of human space did to him, Tae
suffered. He suffered a lot and it broke him. His mind is just…I don’t know how
to describe it. He doesn’t believe that I’m real, that I would come for him.
Thanks to one fucking Jung Hoseok, he thinks it’s impossible for me to be here.
I’m trying to wrap my head around it, you know, how anyone can hurt him like
that, but I just don’t get it. He’s so broken and his mind is wrecked and he
believes that staying with that sick fuck will help him atone for hurting us.
At least that’s what he said.”
“Us?” It was the word that stuck out most to me and the peace I felt just
seconds ago fled faster than I thought it would. Just for a nanosecond,
actually less than that, I thought things would have been easier if he had
severed our connection completely so that I didn’t keep hoping, praying that
there was a chance he would come back to me. If he didn’t love me, if he didn’t
care, maybe I wouldn’t want him this way. Maybe there wouldn’t be so much
resentment…so much anger.
I thought back to the millions of times he told me not to wait for him because
it was too painful; here I sat doing the very thing he warned against. I should
have listened to him because waiting fucking sucked, especially when I knew my
wait would last forever.
I glanced down at the black band on my finger; he gave it to me before he knew
the whole story, before his memories returned and everything went to shit.
Still, I latched onto the pretty words he’d said before trying to commit to me,
and though those words no longer held any weight, I couldn’t forget them. I
knew I was his best friend. I knew he loved and cared for me, but to think that
he would go that far just because he thought I was hurt only fed my wild hope
that there was still a chance for us. I also felt guilty that he suffered on my
behalf. The conflicting feelings ate away at me until I prayed to be numb so I
couldn't feel it any longer.
“Yeah, he said he had to stay so that you and I could be happy. He didn’t want
to leave the cage, I literally dragged him out.”
I don’t know why hearing that affected me so much, but it intensified my want
to see him. If I could just talk to him, see him and let him know that the only
time I had ever been happy in my life was when he and I were together, I could
fix all of this. I decided to try and convince Yoongi. He was understanding and
despite the hard edges and toughness, he was a softie. Maybe he would
understand. “Hyung…the restraining order went through.”
“Shit…sorry to hear that kid. We’re going to do everything we can fix it,
okay.”
“You’re as much of a rule breaker as I am. Is it possible…do you think you can
find a way for me to see him?” He was too quiet. “I know, it’s a lot to ask and
you don’t owe me anything but I just need to see him. I just want him to tell
me that he’s going to be okay. And I want to apologize for the things I
said…for not being there for him when he needed me.”
“No.”
“But, hyung…”
“No. I feel bad for you, Jungkook. I really do. But if Taehyung saw you right
now in your condition, what do you think it would do to him? He’s not himself
as is and the fucking value he places on your well-being is just…” I heard the
underlying jealousy in his words and knew then that maybe Yoongi didn’t have it
as easy as I originally thought. “He comes first. I don’t want him upset and I
don’t want him blaming himself for you being hurt, so no. I won’t let him see
you…not while you’re both like this. Not if there’s the slightest chance of
making things worse for him. You should follow the rules of the restraining
order.”
“I guess I can respect that.” But I still hated it. And I hated Yoongi even
more for being the rational one. And I hated him for being able to look at
Taehyung lying next to him. And I hated myself because I was the one who got
myself into this predicament. It was such a frustrating situation.
“Look, you may not be able to talk to Tae but you can still talk to me, right?
I’ll keep you updated, I promise. Just focus on staying out of trouble and let
the rest of us work on getting you out of there. How is it by the way? Are they
fucking with you?”
“No…it’s been pretty uneventful. It’s fine.”
“With the life you’ve led, how is it possible that you are the shittiest liar
to ever exist? Even Tae is better!”
“ He has acting skills, hyung, so of course he’s better at it than me. But
really, it’s nothing that I can’t handle.”
“I’m hanging up and calling Eomma. They’ll be here today and I’m going to let
her know that they’re mistreating you over there.”
“What? Don’t get Eomma Yun involved in this. Really, I’m fine, hyung. There’s
no need to worry.”
“Too late, I can hear it in your voice. I’m hanging up now, but I’ll call you
back later to check on you, okay?”
“Fuck you, tattletale.”
“Fuck you, too, asshole. Later.”
I stared at the now blank screen, smiling. I hated him so much, but he was a
good hyung.
                                     *****
I stood at the dining room table, staring down at the prepared plate and cup of
juice sitting on the placemat. My brothers and Mother Park were already eating
and my father was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t know if they were trying to fuck
with me, but there was no way in hell any of them was thoughtful or considerate
enough to make me a plate just for the hell of it. I did not trust it.
“Are you just going to stand there and gawk at us while we eat, you freak?”
Jimin asked. “Maybe you could record it, yeah?”
“You would think he’d be tired seeing as how he was up all night,” Bogum joked,
yawning loudly and stretching. “Poor, poor Mojopum didn’t get a lick of sleep.”
“Did you not sleep well, Jungkook?” She asked with the perfect amount of phony
concern. I was already irritated because of the talk with Yoongi earlier—though
I knew now that most of that irritation stemmed from lack of sleep—and these
three were only going to make it worse. “You should sit down and eat a lot. You
have a long day of doing nothing ahead of you, right?”
“Right.” Either they had done something to the food or they wanted me to think
I did something to the food…I didn’t know what to believe, but I know I for
damn sure wasn’t going to eat it. If I didn’t then Mother Park would have
ammunition to call me ungrateful or some other stupid shit like that, but hell,
she would find some other thing to attack me for if I did eat it. It was a
lose-lose situation.
I was just about to take a seat because it wasn’t worth it to fight it out with
them. I figured they would get a good laugh at my expense and maybe it would
satisfy their sadistic inclinations for a while. Maybe they would leave me
alone and I could get a few hours of rest afterward. I was mid-sit when I heard
“Jungkook,” from somewhere near the den.
We all exchanged looks; they seemed to be just as surprised to hear father’s
voice, though I didn’t know why. When I lived here before he never scheduled
appointments nor surgeries before ten, so it only made sense for him to be here
at seven. I stood and left the rest of the Park family there at the table
whispering as I made my way to the den.
Father sat there at his desk, laptop open and fingers tapping away furiously.
He didn’t even look up from the screen. “What happened to your door?” he asked
absentmindedly.
“I’m clumsy, sir.” I wasn’t going to break down and whine to him about being
mistreated. It never mattered before, he never gave a damn before so why would
things be different now? “I apologize for damaging your property.” I wasn’t
going to give him a reason to say anything bad about me to the cops. I needed
to be as pristine as possible and if that meant letting his asshole progenies
torture me so be it. If it meant me getting out of here and seeing Tae again, I
would accept responsibility for everything they did.
He stopped typing and looked up at me, scrutinizing my face to the point that I
looked down at my feet. “There’s a throw on the sofa. Take a nap.”
How could such an innocent and simple suggestion be so shocking? The mere
thought that he showed an inkling of concern for my well-being made me shudder.
He didn’t give a shit about me, never had. He hated me. He’d hit me and berated
me and let this entire fucking family make me into their whipping boy for the
entirety of my time in his home, yet now he had the nerve to offer me a safe
haven? What in the fuck kind of twisted game was this man playing? “No, thank
you. I’m fine.”
“I didn’t ask. Lay down, get some rest. My first consult isn’t until two in the
afternoon and then I’m going to be gone all day. There are throw pillows over
there as well.” And then he went back to typing.
I stood there frozen for at least five minutes, but he never looked up again
from his work again. He didn’t offer an explanation for his weird behavior, but
I was too tired to fight him. So, I did as I was told. And when I woke up five
hours later, he was still typing.
“Towards the back of the cupboard there’s an unopened box that chocolate cereal
you used to like.”
I was so confused by his behavior, but I didn’t ask any questions. I left him
there slaving away on his laptop and headed straight to that cupboard. The
cereal was right where he said it would be and I heartily ate three bowls,
enjoying the blissful silence of the empty kitchen.
                                     *****
I sat on the swing kicking at the repurposed rubber covering the ground,
thinking about how depressing empty parks were. I guessed that the generation
of neighborhood kids had graduated and moved on sometime during my absence,
sentencing this equipment to a sad and lonely existence.
I took pictures of the area with my phone trying to capture the melancholy
lingering there; the sense of not having a purpose was something with which I
could readily identify, especially now that I was stuck in the Park household.
Without my jobs to escape to I was a man without a mission, aimlessly
wandering, walking on eggshells so as not to rile up my former family, and
hiding so that I wouldn’t be lured into trouble and fuck up the efforts of the
people trying to get me out of there. This whole house arrest situation was
ridiculous beyond words and I wanted it to be over as soon as possible.
I discovered that being alone with Mother Park for any lengthy period of time
was an extreme test of my newly developing patience, so bad in fact that I
wished my brothers were there to torment me instead. I would gladly take a few
punches to my sore ribs over her snide, backhanded insults and the unrelenting
need to embarrass and criticize me. I didn’t know who shit in her cereal that
morning, but I was the one who caught all the blowback. Other than being there,
I couldn’t figure out what I had done to incense her, but she made sure to let
me know the extent of her hatred for me.
First, she put me to work cleaning the house, following me from room to room
only to criticize everything I did. I don’t know who told her that me being
there meant free labor, but she sure took advantage of the situation. I
suffered through the role of a modern-day Cinderella and for hours endured her
nagging, prodding, and smacks to the head without complaint. When she brought
out the wooden spoon for harder hits, I grit my teeth and bore it. By the time
the house met her standards, I was secretly praying to go deaf and my arms and
back stung from the lashes.
Then the bitch—a disparagement to the entire global population of female dogs,
I know—had the gall to make me sit through a tea time for her little housewife
clique and proceeded to rip me apart in front of them. No topic was off limits:
my sexuality, my homelessness, my struggle with addiction, and little
intimations to how I supported myself the first couple of years. How did she
even know about it when I had never told her a single detail about my time
away?
I sat there quietly as those gossipy hens tsked and shamed me, their judgment
suffocating me just enough to make me uncomfortable but not kill me. And that
bitch sat there in their midst smiling smugly at me when there were no eyes on
her, but playing the role of benevolent victim to earn their sympathy. I let it
happen, I didn’t say a word to defend myself because it would only invite more
criticism. I let them scold me freely and let it all roll off of my back,
tuning them out for the most part. The didn’t care much whether I heard it
anyway, as long as they got to say what they wanted to say.
I let them say what they wanted and when they finally got bored, I politely
asked to be excused and fled the confines of that prison. Mother Park
solidified my hatred of her in perpetuity; I would hold onto it until I met my
end and if reincarnation was real, I would carry that hatred over into my next
life. If I was lucky enough to be reborn, I would seek that bitch out just to
spit on her grave. That’s how dedicated I was to hating her.
Distracted by my anger, I stumbled onto this lonely, sad, barren park and had
been here for the past three hours contemplating how much trouble I would get
into if I decided to not go back. In the end, I decided that the trouble would
be worth it…if there weren’t so many people out there counting on me to behave.
There was no other choice but to go back.
Other than taking photos, I used the alone time to reflect on things,
particularly regarding Tae. Now that I had rested and was free from that
stressful ass house, I wasn’t as irritated by how things worked out. I
remembered that although Tae was about to end things between us, it was me who
ultimately gave him up and I did so because it was best for both of us. It was
my the ultimate show of my burgeoning maturity and completely selfless, but I
was ruining it by being bitter. Talking to Yoongi earlier had reminded me of
that fact, though I still hated the lucky bastard. I loved Taehyung with my
entire heart, but it was a useless love if it did more harm than good. Even as
his best friend, I had been unable to hear him out and put him first; I’d
broken my vows only hours after making them and failed him. The 'me' I was
right now wasn’t good enough, not stable enough for Taehyung. It was a tough
pill to swallow, but it was the truth.
Knowing that, acknowledging it didn’t make me miss him any less. The distance
between us was too great; it was like we were on different planes of existence.
I needed to see him, hear him…I wanted to help take care of him. If only Yoongi
would see things my way.
It was as if I conjured him. The phone rang shrilly in my hands, startling me
from my thoughts and BiteSizedDracula blazed across my screen in a large,
cryptic font…Marshall Lee was the photo I chose for him. I smiled as I
answered. “Hyung?”
“Jungkook…talk me down.”
I abruptly stood from the swing. “Hyung?” I didn’t like the tone of his voice
at all. He sounded broken and afraid and a whole bunch of other words I would
never use to describe Min Yoongi. “What’s wrong? Did something happen to Tae?
Hyung!” I could feel my heart throbbing in my throat and though it was late
afternoon it was too fucking bright all of a sudden. “Hyung…please tell me
what’s wrong. Is he okay?”
“He woke up a little while ago…he won’t even let me touch him. He was so afraid
of me that he was willing to hurt himself to get out of my reach. He wouldn’t
let me help him up…he fucking flinched away from me like…like…FUCK! It hurts…it
hurts so much.”
None of what he said made any sense. I could still see it clearly in my head
the way Tae looked at him as if Yoongi was the only thing keeping his heart
from stopping. “Why would he be afraid of you?”
“Fucking Jung Hoseok and his lies. To think that it wasn’t too long ago that he
would be the one I called for something like this…”
“It’s pretty fucked up.”
“I mean, it’s bad enough that he thinks I’m a part of some fucked up dream, but
hearing him doubting my feelings for him…fuck, it’s killing me. He loves me,
but he really believes that I don’t love him; he thinks I left him for someone
else. I’m trying not to lose it, but I don’t think I can do this.”
“You can do it. You were doing so well this morning and it seemed like you had
everything under control. What has happened since then to make you freak out
like this?”
“I know you can relate when I say I blame myself.”
“I can…I feel the same way.”
“I know and I’m just so fucking angry and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to hold
it in much longer. Every time I look at his face I can feel my insides knotting
up and I want to throw up, but I also want to tear down this whole fucking
world, level everything and raze the fucking earth until there's nothing left.
That’s how pissed I am but it’s my fault, isn’t it? I let that monster do this
to him and now he won’t even let me touch him because it’s my fucking fault.
What if he thinks that? What if he blames me too?”
I could hear his panicked breathing, my poor hyung was on the verge of
hysteria. It was up to me to pull him back. “You know he doesn’t, he wouldn’t.
Just calm down hyung. Breathe in and out slowly, think about Taehyung. You
don’t want him to see you like this right?”
I could hear him trying to regulate his breathing, taking in long, deep
draughts and releasing them slowly. After a few minutes of this, he rasped, “If
you saw him, you’d be just as upset as I am…well, maybe not as much. Just
talking to him…aish, I want to put my fist through a fucking wall. I’m so
frustrated! And I can’t do anything to help him. I feel so fucking useless.”
“I know exactly how you feel, hyung. Just remember that he’s not going to come
around just because you want him to, he has to work things out on his own in a
time frame that’s comfortable for him. You can't set terms for his recovery.
He’s been through a so much and it might not seem like a lot, but being there
is more than enough. Just be there for him. If he wants hugs, give him hugs. If
he wants to be alone, let him. If he wants to break things, give him a bat. Be
there. It’s far more than I get to do for him from here.”
“I guess you’re right about that. I’m so disgusted, just looking at him and
knowing that if I wouldn’t have been a stupid ass and overmedicated, none of
this would have happened. I did this to him and it’s sickening and I’m
seriously not fucking coping. I hate it. I fucking hate it and I fucking hate
him for what he did to Tae. But even more than Kim Taesuk, I hate myself.”
“This is the last time I’m going to say this, are you listening?”
“Yeah…yeah, I’m listening.”
“It’s not your fucking fault!” I could hear him trying to stifle his sobs. “It
really isn’t. Shit happens, misunderstandings occur…that’s life. You had no way
of knowing what Hoseok was planning nor did you know that Taehyung would react
the way he did. And you damn sure didn’t assist that monster in hurting him.
You are blameless.” I meant it, I really did. “I don’t want to hear you say it
anymore, okay?”
“We’ve switched roles yet again, haven’t we, Jungkook-ah?” His miserable
attempt at laughter was depressing and pathetic; it sounded more like he was
being strangled. “You should be here, you’re so much better in every way. You
know how to handle situations like this while I’m just…I don’t know. I can’t
deal.”
“You can. And even though I have the most experience, it’s you he wants there
by his side. Never forget that.” I surely couldn’t. And as much as I wanted to
be there, I couldn’t. So, Yoongi-hyung had no choice but to suck it up and help
Tae get through this.
“If that were true, it would be my name he called in his sleep wouldn’t it?”
That effectively shut me up. I didn’t say a word because I had no idea how to
react to that piece of information. He sighed after I gave no response. “I
really wish you were here instead. He wants you here anyway and I’m only going
to fuck up. I’m a fuck up, kid…all I do is fuck up.”
“You’ll be fine, hyung.” But I was so worried that he wouldn’t be. It sounded
like Yoongi was holding onto sanity by a thread. “When are your reinforcements
arriving?”
“In an hour. Don’t tell her I said so, but I can’t wait for Eomma to get here.
Appa, too. It’ll be better, easier then.” I could hear the control slowly
returning to his voice. “Thanks, brat. For listening…for being there.”
“We have to stick together, hyung. For him.”
“Right. For him. Later, brat.”
“Bye, jerk.” Damn it, I was worried about him. But hidden deep beneath that
worry was elation at knowing that Tae missed me, too.
                                     *****
I ended up wandering around the neighborhood for hours, long after the sunk
into the horizon. I checked my phone to see that it was after eight and started
my journey home. When I got there, a random rental car sat in the driveway. I
groaned at the idea of one of Mother Park’s tea lackeys sticking around just to
berate me a little more. I trudged inside, steeling myself for the barrage of
insults waiting to be slung. I tapped into that happy moment from earlier, that
tasty bit of news that made this whole day worth finishing, and made my way to
the living room.
I didn’t expect so much tension. As I walked down the short hallway, instinct
screamed at me to turn around and run from the house, but I wasn’t that bright
and my curiosity was a weakness; I continued. When I walked into the room, I
expected anything from a shotgun blast to a bunch of officers waiting to jump
me and cart me off. What I did not expect to see was Eomma Yun and Mr. Min
sitting quietly on the loveseat glaring at Mother Park. “Eomma?”
They were on their feet in seconds, Eomma Yun barrelling over and wrapping me
in the tightest hug I’d ever gotten. How was she so tiny but so damned strong?
She nearly lifted me off the floor. “Jungkookie, you poor, poor baby!” She ran
her fingers over my face still clutching me to her. “Idiot! What kind of a mess
did you get yourself into? I swear between the three of you I’m going to go
insane, do you hear me?” She let me go and smacked me hard on the arm. “You are
an absolute idiot and if you ever do something as dangerous as that again I’m
going to personally rain down all sorts of hell on you, got it, kid?”
“Geesh, I got it.” I turned to her husband. “Mr. Min,” I said as I extended a
hand, which he gripped firmly before pulling me into a quick hug. “It’s nice to
meet you in person.”
“Same here, though the atmosphere leaves much to be desired,” he frowned.
“I beg your pardon?” Mother Park. “It’s bad enough you waltzed in here
uninvited and trying to tell me how to run my household, but now you would dare
to hurl insults? If these are the kind of people you’ve been trafficking with,
Jeon Jungkook, it’s no wonder you are the way you are.”
“And if this is the woman who raised you, I’m surprised…” Eomma yelled as she
started towards Mother Park before being cut off by husband, who grabbed her by
the arm.
“Yunnie, not the time. We’re only here to check on Jungkook not to cause
trouble.” He maneuvered her behind himself; she, in turn, put herself in front
me as if she were some kind of shield. I felt a surge of love for the Mins.
Seung Gi turned to Mother Park. “I meant no offense, but we weren’t exactly
welcomed with open arms. We only intended to greet Jungkook and let him know
that we were here, but to be honest, you’ve been quite rude to us from the
moment you opened the door. I’ve never seen guests treated with such open
hostility.”
“I think it was you two who came in with false expectations based on lies, no
doubt planted in your head by an established troublemaker, a blight on our
family.” She sat in her armchair, ankles crossed and nose up in the air like
some kind of dignitary. "You forced your way into my home mudslinging and
hurling falsehoods..."
“If they were lies, you sure went out of your way to prove falsehood as fact.
Will smoke come out of an unlit chimney?” Eomma Yun asked, tiny fists balled at
her sides. “Jungkook is extremely filial.” Mother Park sneered, but Eomma
continued. “He is as good as a son to me and I know that he wouldn’t lie.
Right, Jungkookie?” She whirled around to face me, eyes burning.
“Right, Eomma.”
She pulled me to her side, linking her arm with mine. “See? We’ve never even
spoken with Jungkook about you. We came after our other son expressed concern
on Jungkook’s behalf. He has just been released from a hospital and it’s
natural that Yoongi, no all of us, would be worried about his welfare. What
kind of treatment has he been receiving for his injuries?”
“What injuries? Jungkook is fine. He’s been frolicking about the house, lazing
around like the good for nothing, ungrateful leech he has always been.
Injuries? Sounds like more lies for attention.”
I let out an audible gasp at the lies this woman spewed. “That’s…it’s not true
Eomma.”
“Sweetheart, I know it isn’t. Don’t worry.” She gave me a squeeze. “I can see
that we were justifiably worried. If it’s not too much of a burden, can we
speak privately with our son?”
“Your son? Last I checked, I was the one who raised him for eighteen years. I
changed his diapers, clothed him, fed him…”
Eomma Yun scoffed. “As if that’s all it takes to be a mother. If that’s what
you think, then you’re a poor excuse…a sad, sorry, bitch of a—“
“Yunhee!” He clamped a hand over her mouth, glaring at her and doing that thing
where whole conversations were had with looks. He finally released her and she
nodded, pulling me closer to her. “Excuse her temper, she’s just overly
protective of family.”
“That’s the problem, though. He isn’t your family.”
“I’m not yours either, am I? You’ve made that clear my entire life, but now
that I’ve made my own family you want to stake a claim?” I don’t know why I
said it, but it felt good to do so. “If you don’t mind, this is my father’s
home and I would like to speak to my guests privately.”
“This may be your father’s home, but it’s also mine. I come and go as I please
and right now I feel just fine right where I am.”
“Then we’ll leave. Excuse us.” And we left her sitting there on her false
throne. I led them upstairs into my room, which was surprisingly occupied.
Bogum lounged across my bed while Jimin sat at my desk. “What are you doing in
here?” I saw the box I had hidden in the back of my closet, now empty in the
middle of the floor. “My stuff…what did you do with my stuff?”
“What stuff, Mojopum?” Jimin asked innocently, standing and walking over
towards us.
“Wait, what did you call him?” Mr. Min asked.
“He brought strangers up to his room and didn’t introduce himself by
name...hmmm, what do you think, brother? A couple trying to add some excitement
to their mundane marriage? They’re going to be very disappointed when the only
excitement they get will be positive STI results. They probably have no idea
where a whore like our Park Mojopum has been.”
I’m sure my face went a shade of red never seen before. I was so embarrassed
that they would say something like that in front of the Mins. I lowered my eyes
to the floor so ashamed that tears began to pool in my eyes as the two of them
cracked up at my expense. I didn’t even see how it happened, but within the
next few seconds, Jimin was pinned against the wall by his neck, little feet
kicking as he dangled. At some point, Bogum had leaped from the bed and stood
frozen, eyes bugged out and jaw slack.
I thought angry Yoongi was scary, then Eomma Yun managed to top that, but
seeing the quiet, unassuming Mr. Min lose his temper was on a whole different
scale.
Through clenched teeth, he spoke calmly and quietly, which made it even more
terrifying somehow. “Son, I don’t know how you were raised, but after
encountering your mother I’m pretty sure my assumptions are on target. What you
just said not only disrespected Jungkook, whom we consider to be a son but me
and most importantly my wife. I can tolerate a lot, but attacking my family in
such a disgraceful manner…that’s my limit.” He raised Jimin a few more inches
from the floor. “What you are going to do is apologize to me and mine or I
swear to you that I will make it so that you can’t spew such ugly words ever
again. It’ll be really hard to insinuate such profanity with a crushed
windpipe, won’t it?” Jimin nodded hastily, gripping the wrist of the hand
pinning him to the wall. “I’m going to let you down, then you’re going to
sincerely apologize, and then you’re going to go and find everything that you
took from that box and put it back. If it’s not there by the time we leave you
and I will have another talk. And if you would like some witnesses, dial 911
and tell them Seung Gi Min is here. I’ll even wait for them to arrive before we
start. Do you understand?” Jimin nodded again, fat tears leaking from his eyes.
Mr. Min let him drop to the floor.
Bogum rushed over to help the coughing Jimin to his feet, though he made sure
to steer clear of Mr. Min. When he was breathing properly he pushed Bogum away.
I saw something I never thought I would see in my life; Jimin bowed. Deeply. “I
apologize to all of you for what I said. It was inappropriate and I regret
saying it.”
“Apology accepted. Now get out,” Mr. Min ordered and they scattered like the
insects they were.
“Jungkook, put the box in the hallway so that they can fill it.”
I beamed at him. “Yes, sir.” I had a new hero, fuck Iron Man. Seeing Seung Gi
Min put Jimin in his place was better than any fantasy I ever had. I took the
box and set it in the hallway like he said.
“How is it that you can choke out that kid but I couldn’t deck that vile woman
downstairs?” Seung Gi only shook his head at her. “Well, I guess I should
appreciate that you let me rip her apart before the kid showed up. I really
wanted to punch her though." She sighed wistfully. "I love you so much, honey.
Thanks for protecting me so well.” She reached up while he leaned down, and
when their lips met it was so tender and affectionate that I blushed. I let
them have their moment, going over to sit on the bed. I watched the Park
brothers come by every few minutes to drop items into the box. I felt great.
The Mins came over and joined me, Eomma taking a seat next to me and Mr. Min
electing to stand towering over us. She grabbed my hand and gave it a
sympathetic squeeze. “Sweetie…I’m so sorry that this is where you grew up. How
did you turn out so wonderful in an environment like this?”
“Luck?” I teased.
“If that’s what you want to call it.” She smiled at me and smacked my leg. “Why
didn’t you call me yourself and tell me how bad things were? I would have come
earlier.”
“It’s not that bad, not really. They just pull childish pranks and rough me up
a bit…it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“I don’t like it. We’re going to get you out of here as soon as we can.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Ugh, there he goes with the ma’am shit, GiGi. You should teach him some
manners, too.”
“But honey, he’s being polite.”
“So, much for my valiant protector. Ma’am is as bad a slur as anything else I
ever heard.” Mr. Min and I both laughed at her; she smacked us both with those
tiny, yet whiplike, hands. “So, before we came here we were with Taehyung and
Yoongi.”
“How is he?” They gave each other mournful looks. “That bad?”
“Hoseok was able to get him to realize he wasn’t dreaming…”
“Wait…Hoseok? Jung Hoseok? The reason this whole mess happened, he’s here? And
you let him talk to Tae?” I couldn’t believe my ears! Why would they ever allow
that scum anywhere near Taehyung?
“I already know what you’re thinking…you know I didn’t agree to it. GiGi is
such a softie though and wanted to give him a chance to make amends. We’re
lucky he talked us into coming because Tae wouldn’t acknowledge any of us. He
thought we were all in his head. But Hoseok got through to him and now he’s
doing much better.” She smiled brightly. “I can’t help seeing him as a the
teenager he was when he left. He’s just as sweet and lovable as he was back
then. He hasn’t changed.”
“His injuries?”
“Bad. He's being the typical Taehyung who doesn't want to burden anyone, but
you can see the pain he's in. He's smiling and playful, but it's a front so
that we don't worry too much. His face is nearly unrecognizable from the
swelling and bruising. Namjoon said there’s a chance his hand might be broken
and his back…”
“Yeah, I saw that for myself. His face wasn’t that bad when I saw him though.”
I bit my lip. He must’ve have been beaten more after I left him there, and I
couldn’t help feeling that maybe my break-in was the reason for it. I teared up
yet again, beating myself up inside because it was very possible I caused him
to get punished again.
“Hey…don’t make that face, kid. GiGi, find some tissues please.” The tall man
hurried off. “I can tell that you’re thinking it’s your fault. Blaming yourself
helps no one, Jungkookie.”
“I left him there.” I was such an emotional wreck today. There were so many
highs and lows to my day that I just didn't give a fuck anymore. I let it all
out.
“Not willingly. They beat you unconscious, honey. You had no choice.” She
embraced me and let me cry on her shoulder. “And he’s out now, that’s the most
important thing. It’s because of you that we knew what it would take to get him
out, so I’m thankful to you son. You did well, Jungkookie. You did well.” I
could feel her fingers tenderly kneading my scalp and I thought to myself, Is
this what it feels like to have a mother? because damn did it feel good. I let
her comfort me. “And Tae doesn’t blame you either, in fact he’s wondering why
you aren’t there while the rest of us are. So, you have to hurry up and get
better so that when we get these ridiculous charges against you tossed you can
go straight to him, okay?”
My head was lifted and I felt soft tissues patting my tears away. I also felt
the bed sink on my other side and knew that Mr. Min had taken a seat beside me,
a large hand patting my back. “You two are going to spoil me, you know?
Coddling me like I’m some kid.”
“You are a kid, our kid. So, we’re allowed.” She kissed me on the forehead
before standing; Mr. Min followed suit. “I hate leaving you here, but it’s
probably time for us to go. I don’t think the Parks have ever entertained
guests like us.”
“They’ll probably be scarred for life,” Mr. Min said, laughing. “Especially the
small one. By the way, I dragged your box back in…what happened to your door?”
“Bogum kicked it in so I couldn’t lock them out last night. I had to stay
awake, just in case…”
“Well, I’m guessing you’ll be able to sleep soundly tonight. Just a hunch I
have…”
“GiGi, what did you do?”
“Nothing, really. I didn't do anything. I’m just saying, I have a hunch.”
I walked the Mins to the door and as hard as it was to say goodbye, I knew it
wouldn’t be long before I saw them again. I went upstairs and collapsed on my
bed. I wasn’t worried about the Parks coming in to bother me tonight; they were
probably still reeling from encountering people who couldn’t be bullied.
I dug out Taedy bear from under my mattress and hugged him to my chest. I sent
out mental waves of love to all the people in my life who took a chance on an
idiot like me and let me into their hearts; the Mins, the Kim cousins, Yoongi,
and especially Tae. I had to have done something pretty awesome in a past life
to earn their care. And maybe if I was good enough, starting now, I would get
that chance to come back and keep my appointment with Mother Park's grave.
                                     *****
I dug the offensively loud vibrating phone out of my pillow, vision blurred and
drool covering one side of my face. The display read BiteSizeDracula and the
vivid, familiar picture of Marshall Lee burned my sleepy eyes. I bolted upright
upon seeing that the time read 3:17 a.m.; I panicked thinking maybe something
had happened to Tae while I slept. I swiped accept quickly, already speaking
into the phone. “Hyung? What’s wrong? It’s not Tae, is it? He’s okay, right?”
“Jun-Jungkookie?” he asked timidly.
I shivered at the sound of his voice and let the gentle baritone caress me,
unprepared because it seemed like ages since I heard it. I didn’t know whether
to cry or laugh, so I did a weird combination of the two. He let me take my
time, considerate as always, waiting patiently for me to calm down. “Tae…” I
exhaled finally, smile dazzling even the darkness. “Tae…it’s really you.
Finally.”
Chapter End Notes
     Ah, so we're back on the same timeline now that Jungkook has caught
     up. Poor Jungkookie was all over the place with his emotions, poor
     kid. But with everything that's going on, I kind of understand.
     First, I don't want to imagine what those Parks did to Jungkook's
     food. There was no way in hell I was letting him eat that, lol.
     Second, what is up with Jungkook's dad?
     I loved the way the first Yoonkook conversation showed Jungkook's
     weaknesses, but the second conversation showed Yoongi's. Another
     interesting fact about the second conversation...if it seemed
     familiar it's because it's from a few chapters ago, during the second
     part of 'Vertigo'. It's the conversation that Tae only heard parts of
     because he was in and out; it made him feel insecure because he
     thought it was Yoongi and Hoseok talking. He misunderstood
     everything, which made him hold on to the dream delusion even harder.
     The Mins. Enough said. GiGi snapped for the first time ever. Omg, I
     liked it even more than when I thought it up.
     And my favorite part: TAEKOOK. I need them to talk like I need to
     breathe.
     I haven't started on next week's chapter, but I'm excited. It's going
     to be either Tae or Yoongi's POV. I know it's going to involve the
     hospital visit and possibly some jealous Yoongi. Hmmm...there are too
     many possibilities.
     See you in the comments my loves...I'll be waiting. :)
***** Blurred Lines *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung has a tough time with boundaries when it comes to Jungkook.
     Yoongi admits his jealousy.
Chapter Notes
     I don't know what's going on with me, but I keep writing these long
     ass chapters that go absolutely nowhere, lol. This was supposed to be
     the hospital/police station chapter, but the story decided that it
     wanted to go in another direction. For some reason, these
     conversations are more important so this is what you got. I had to
     cut the chapter in half again so that you didn't get almost 40 pages;
     this is the first 17 pages (it seemed like a good transition point),
     you'll get the rest next week.
     Happy reading, lovelies. It's mostly dialogue but it's something. ;)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Even though he had been asleep for hours now, his arm lay vice grip-like around
my middle. I listened to him breathe in and out, studying his handsome face as
he rested peacefully probably for the first time in days. His pale skin, so
luminous and smooth, lent the illusion of satin perfection beneath my
fingertips. His dark bangs were fluffy from the sweat he worked up earlier and
nearly covered his eyes; I brushed them away so I could see his entire face. I
hesitantly reached out with one finger to lightly trace the line of his nose,
the low bridge leading to a flat, slightly rounded tip that was simply
adorable; I couldn’t resist a quick peck there. And then his lips…they weren’t
nearly as swollen as they had been hours ago but they were still pretty, plump,
and pink and oh so kissable.
Just for the hell of it, I leaned forward and pressed my open mouth against his
lips. Every time he breathed out, I inhaled it in. Maybe it was little bit
creepy, but I wanted to taste all of him including his air. Had he been awake
he would have called me weird. He would have smacked my arm, only to regret it
a second later and then I would have gotten lots of kisses to make up for his
hasty assault. I moved away and giggled quietly to myself so as not to disturb
him.
My Yogi looked especially soft as he slumbered and it was a wondrous sight to
behold; my insides did a happy dance when I realized that no one else would
ever get to see him like this, only me. He was mine and I planned to hold on to
him no matter the cost, even though I’d paid plenty already; I didn’t want to
think about that. Seeing him like this, being with him in this moment was all I
ever wanted and now that my life’s goal was complete, the only thing left to do
was enjoy it…even though my mind was restless and I couldn’t sleep.
I focused on Yoongi. His cool skin provided the perfect accompaniment to my
overheated flesh; I silently hailed his decision to sleep nude because not only
was it a gift to my eyes, it helped the sheets maintain the ideal nesting
temperature. The comfortable bed, perfect really, combined with my body being
tangled with his as we lay chest-to-chest gave me an idea of what heaven would
be like because nothing could possibly be better than this.
I lied there exhausted and extremely relaxed after a downright feral
Yoongi—surprising since he had been so adamant about being careful of my
injuries—rode me to nirvana. Even though I watched the stars fall and the
universe crumble into inconsequential specks of triviality as he goaded me
towards euphoria with undulations and contortions of which the average human
body should be incapable; he was unable to silence my mind and grant me the
rest my body desperately craved. In other words, he wore me out and I still
couldn’t sleep.
As I stared at the love of my life, there was a sudden, fierce impulse to
possess him, to stake my claim yet again, and without warning I leaned in for a
kiss that I knew would wake him. And if I woke him I would want to taste him
again, touch him again, mark him again, paint his insides white again while
swallowing screams and moans of my name as he yanked the hairs right from my
scalp hopelessly trapped in the throes of passion…he probably wouldn’t mind at
all but his sleep was more important to me than my erratic urges, so I fought
it off and kissed his forehead instead. He squirmed in my hold, sighing cutely
in his sleep and eliciting the sweetest smile to ever grace my lips. “I love
you, hyung. I love you so much,” I whispered into the darkness, wanting to hear
it out loud again. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…”
I loved him so much, too much. Looking at Min Yoongi for too long was
dangerous; being in close contact with his body was risky. It shouldn’t be this
bad, this ‘want’. I shouldn’t be this fixated. Getting too attached was stupid
because although I promised I would never leave again, I expected trouble.
Yoongi-hyung was right; the whole universe was against us and I knew that
something would happen to take him away from me again. I knew I should maintain
my distance, not become so dependent on having him there; I couldn’t help it.
Min Yoongi was one hell of a drug and I wasn’t giving it up anytime soon. I was
helplessly addicted and I planned to enjoy it while I could.
But not now. For now, I would let him sleep. He needed it.
I gently extracted myself from his hold, slowly sliding my pinned arm from
underneath him. If I didn’t put some distance between us I would surely lose
control of myself, sore ribs and back be damned; I could feel my fever easing
its way back as well. I grabbed my discarded sweats from the floor and slipped
into them before tiptoeing out of the room and closing the door behind me. I
wish I could have padlocked it because even now he was too tempting.
I made my way to the kitchen and drank some water then went into the living
room and slowly sank onto the sofa. Without Yoongi around as a distraction, I
felt every bit of pain from my injuries and the storm in my mind raged out of
control. I was beginning to reconsider Yoongi’s insistence that I slow down and
rest; I’d told him that I felt fine, which I did, but he was also in my lap at
the time. Honestly, we hadn’t stopped touching until I snuck out of bed. Yes,
my Yogi was definitely a distraction.
Wide awake, I hoped to find something to keep my mind busy because being alone
with my thoughts wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t want to turn on the tv because I
didn’t want to wake him up and my phone got left behind along with everything
else when they took me from Grandfather’s. I couldn’t leave the suite because
1. There wasn’t shit to do at this ungodly hour; 2. Yoongi would probably have
a meltdown if he woke up and found me gone; and 3. How in the hell would I do
anything anyway without a car or a wallet? Besides, I was in no condition to
wander the streets anyway with a muddled mind and my whole body hurting like
this.
I sighed, resigning to a sleepless, boring existence of suffering for the next
few hours…then I spotted Yoongi’s phone on the table. After a silent
celebration at the thought of playing an actual game, I grabbed the phone and
swiped it awake. When it asked for a four digit pin I froze. There were so many
things it could be. I tried his birthday first, wrong. My birthday…wrong. His
parents birthdays…wrong. Their anniversary…wrong. I grew frustrated, not
knowing what the hell it could be.
I thought of Yoongi and the things he loved, well, the things he loved back
then. Basketball and music…that didn’t give me much to work with. I didn’t know
much about his hobbies now or during the time we were apart. He said that if it
didn’t involve me he didn’t care, so there probably wasn’t anything new that he
liked.
I didn’t want to think it because it was a little smug, but I was the most
important person, the most important thing to him. If it wasn’t my birthday, it
could only be one other number. After the counter reached zero—I had entered
too many wrong codes—I typed in 1231. It should have been my first choice
because it was the day our story began. December 31, 1995…New Year’s Eve…the
day we met and started our lives together. It wasn’t that either and I pouted
because how could that not be it?
I thought long and hard about it, trying to figure out the single most
important day in Yoongi’s life. I knew what mine was…the day he finally
confessed. The day we made love before saying goodbye and enduring the longest
most arduous separation in history. I could still remember clutching my plane
ticket in my hand and staring down at the date, trying to relive the single
most extraordinary moment of my life. Him making love to me for the first time
was my most treasured memory and it helped me hold on to my sanity during the
toughest times of my life. That day couldn’t be touched. Maybe it was the same
for him. I typed in 0209…it unlocked right away.
My heart did little hurkeys at the discovery; my Yogi was such a sweetheart. I
smiled upon seeing a picture I knew very well as his wallpaper, but I didn’t
know how Yoongi got hold of it. I held a miniature snowman in my hand while
grinning at the camera…really, at the person holding the camera…Jungkook.
My smile melted. Jungkook, one of the main reasons why I couldn’t sleep. I
hadn’t forgotten about him; he was very much in my thoughts. He lingered right
there in the peripherals of my mind, out of sight but very present. I missed
him. Seeing the others there to support me—Eomma and Appa and Joon and even
Hoseok—made me so happy and I appreciated how much they cared. But the entire
time I entertained and hugged and laughed and cried and consoled and joked
around I kept wondering, Where is my Jungkookie?
He should have been there and I didn’t care if it was selfish. Other than
Yoongi, he was the most important person in my life and it felt wrong that he
was missing. After our last conversation I thought he hated me, but then I
found out that he tried to get me out of the mansion first. Why would he try to
save me and then ignore me? Nothing made sense and the confusion only made my
head hurt worse. Did he not love me anymore? Did he no longer care? How could
he make such heartfelt vows promising to honor and keep our friendship in one
second, then throw me away and ignore me the next? How could he take such a
huge risk coming into the mansion for me, but then vanish?
I understood his heartbreak and I knew that there was a chance I could lose him
if I chose Yoongi, but he promised me he would stay. Instead, he cut me out his
life completely. He didn’t stop by to make sure I was okay. He didn’t call to
ask how I was feeling. He was just gone…lost.
I asked everyone where he was and no one had any real answers. They would just
give a basic explanation and then change the subject. When I asked about Jin
being absent there was no trouble at all; they told me everything. When I told
them I wanted to see him, Joonie said he would bring him the next time he
visited. But regarding Jungkook I got nothing. I didn’t know whether they just
didn’t know anything or they were hiding something from me.
When I asked Yoongi-hyung he told me that Jungkook was fine and to just give
him space, but he didn’t tell me why said space was necessary. He didn’t say
when he spoke to Jungkook nor did he tell me why they were in contact. Our
separation wasn’t enough to make him stay away, not when I had been in danger;
my Kookie would have set that aside to make sure I was okay. It was the type of
person he was. But I didn’t bring it up again because I could tell talking
about it irritated hyung, though he tried to mask it, and the last thing I
wanted was for him to get the wrong idea and lose confidence in our
relationship.
I didn’t want him questioning my commitment because I was very much devoted to
him and only him. I didn’t regret choosing my Yogi, not for a single second.
But I did regret that I broke Jungkook’s heart in the process. Now that I
didn't know the status of our friendship, I was left without my light; how
would I ever get through the darkness if he was gone? This is why I struggled
with my decision at first; this was why I ignored what my heart screamed from
the moment I saw Min Yoongi again. I didn’t want to lose my best friend.
It was cruel of him to cut off all contact. If he was angry with me, if he
hated me I wanted to hear it from him and then I could try to move forward,
though I knew it would be hard. Wearing his ring felt like a lie and I hated
even seeing it because it only served to remind me that he wasn’t there. I
needed to talk to Jungkook. Living without him was impossible. Living without
him wasn’t living at all, but I needed to know if that was something for which
I had to prepare.
Now that I had Yoongi’s phone in my hand and there was nothing to stop me from
calling; there was only space and opportunity. Yoongi was dead to the world. No
one else was here to interfere. All I wanted was the truth. And if by chance
Jungkook didn’t answer or hung up in my face, then there would be no harm. At
least I would know that he didn’t want to talk to me for sure. At least I would
know that our friendship was kaput. It would hurt, but knowing was better than
not knowing.
Chewing my lip, I dialed the first few digits and a contact popped up for
Musclebunnyman; I giggled. It was definitely a fitting moniker for my Kookie. I
tapped it and put the phone to my ear.
The phone rang for a long time, so long that I was ready to hang up. Then I
heard, “Hyung? What’s wrong? It’s not Tae, is it? He’s okay, right?” he asked
frantically.
I had to put a hand over my mouth to stifle a sniffle. I was unprepared; I
didn’t know that simply hearing his voice would affect me like this. I really
wanted him here with me, to hug him and hold on to him. I didn’t know how much
I missed his voice until I heard it. Then the words he said when I called
seeking comfort came galloping to the forefront of my mind. Maybe he wasn’t
over us ending yet and just didn’t want to talk to me. It made me even more
worried about how this would go, but it was too late to turn back now. “Jun-
Jungkookie?”
When he began to cry, it was the most soul-shattering sound. I cursed the
seemingly insurmountable distance between us, wanting nothing more than to wrap
my arms around him and whisper into his ear that it would all be okay. I
couldn’t hug him through the phone; I couldn’t wipe away his tears. I knew I
had to let him get it out, but I wanted to be there to comfort him. I didn’t
worry so much about whether he hated me; if he wanted to hang up he would have
already. Being there for him even if it was only by phone was more important;
letting him know that I cared was all that mattered at the moment.
“Tae…” he cried. “Tae…it’s really you.” I could hear the smile in his voice and
it made my heart flutter. It didn't feel wrong to harbor a love so immense and
swollen from profundity; my heart was reluctant to let go of him. The love
between us was such a beautiful and pure thing; it was precious to me and I
wanted to protect it. I had to hold on to our friendship no matter what. “Wait,
I’m not supposed to talk to you. Fuck, I’m going to be in trouble.”
“What? Why? Is someone forcing you to stay away from me?” Who would do such a
thing? I knew Yoongi wouldn’t do it and no one else had anything to lose by me
spending time with Jungkook. What in the hell was going on?
“It’s nothing like that…”
“Where are you? I can ask Yoongi to bring me there when he wakes up.”
“No, that’s not a good idea,” he answered a little too quickly.
“Do you…” I inhaled through my nose and let out a long exhale. “It’s because
you don’t want to see me, right? Did you finally learn how not to love me,
Jungkook?” Though I didn’t want that to happen, it might be better for him if
he did. “Our friendship, is it over?"
“Are you stupid? How could I stop loving you in a week?”
“It only took you one day to fall,” I reminded him. “That’s what you told me.”
“Tae, of course, I want to see you. Of course, I love you. I told you that I’m
not going anywhere, didn’t I?”
“Then where are you? Is it too hard for you to see me still?”
“No, there’s nothing I want more than to see you.”
“I don’t understand why you’re staying away. Why are you shutting me out,
Jungkookie?” It was so confusing. If he wanted to see me so bad, why didn’t he
come? “I’ve been waiting for you, wanting to see you so much since…” I was on
the verge of tears myself. “If it’s because of what I did, if it’s too hard for
you to continue our friendship tell me and I’ll work harder to stay away. I’ll
miss you and I’ll love you still, but I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Just
tell me…say what you want me to do.”
“Y-you…” I heard him sob. “Still…you still love me? You really want me there?”
“Yes! I love you and I want you here with me. I need you!” I could hear him
crying again and I absolutely hated it. The line between friendship and
something more was too blurry when it came to Jungkook and I definitely didn’t
want to lead him on and end up hurting him again. But it had only been days
since the breakup and I hadn’t had time to adjust to the new relationship
between us. It was far too easy and familiar to slip into the 'me' I was when
he was my entire world. I thought about what I was saying and how it might’ve
sounded to him and realized it may have been misleading. I owed him an apology.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Kookie. This new thing between us is so confusing. I don’t
know what I’m supposed to say now or how I’m supposed to feel. I’m so
accustomed to telling you things as they are, but trying to choose the right
words so that I’m not stringing you along or making you feel worse is hard. I
want us to keep our friendship, to hold on to what we have, but I don’t want to
cross those lines and make you uncomfortable. Should I not say things like
this? Am I hurting you by being honest?”
“No, I’m glad. I’m so happy to hear that it’s not just me with these feelings.
I’m not confusing what you’re saying for something romantic. As much as I would
like it to be, your love for me isn’t the same as your love for Yoongi." I
heard the sorrow in his sigh. "I know it all too well…it’s just good to know
that you’re not shutting me out either. I…please don’t stop. I need to hear it,
that you love me, even if it’s not in the way that I love you. I had so many
bad thoughts floating around in my head and I was afraid that maybe you blamed
me. I was the one who blew you off when you needed me most and you ended up
going back to that monster. I couldn’t even save you properly because I went in
without a plan and I left you there to suffer even more...” He started to sob
again and I wished I could pull him into my arms to comfort him. “I’ve wanted
to apologize and the guilt was tearing me up inside.”
“Why would I blame you for anything when you did nothing wrong? Since when have
I ever had a problem with you telling me how you feel? It was my own mind, my
own weaknesses that made me go back. I thought I owed it to you and Yoongi for
hurting you both so much. Nothing I chose to do was your fault. I thought it
was something I had to do.”
“You idiot! There’s nothing you could do to me that would warrant going back to
that fucker. If you ever go near him again I’ll kill you myself! Promise me,
Tae, that you won’t ever go to him.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see it, laughing quietly through leaking
tears. “It’s like you and my hyung share a brain. I’m really going to try,
okay. I promise you that.”
“That’s not good enough. Trying isn’t good enough. You can’t ever, ever go back
or it will kill me, hyung. Please…j-just…” I could feel the distress in his
words. “Please…Tae, please don’t go to him again. Say you won’t...”
“I can’t.”
“You can. If you feel like you’re falling apart or that you need to be
punished, don’t even ask, just show up. Wherever I am, no matter what I’m
doing, no matter the hour, come to me instead. I’ll take his place. We’ll get
rid of those feelings in a positive way, okay? One that doesn’t end with you
bleeding and broken. I hate it. I fucking hate it, Tae, and I don’t want to see
it. I can’t see it again, do you understand?”
It was such a selfless, touching offer. He was so good, too good…I didn’t
deserve him. “Kookie, it’s so sweet of you, but it’s not necessary for you to
take on a burden like that.”
“If it keeps you safe I’ll do anything. When I think of everything you did for
me, selflessly and freely without asking anything in return, there’s no way
I’ll ever be able repay you. You’ll never know how grateful I am to you, this
is the least I can do to show my appreciation.”
“I don’t need you to repay me, I just need you…my best friend, Jeon Jungkook.”
“It’s not about you needing repayment, it’s about me wanting to give it. You’ve
done so much for me, hyung, saved me so many times from the world and from
myself that I lost count. Please don’t deny me the opportunity to do something
for you. Besides, it’s what friends do for each other, right? Unless you were
lying to me the entire time I fought you on putting so much effort into
me…promise me, Kim Taehyung.”
I tried to think of a rebuttal, something to keep him from trying to pay back a
debt he didn’t owe. I sighed in defeat, unable to come up with a good
counterargument. “I…I promise. I won’t go back to him again, Jungkook. I’ll
come to you first.”
“And promise me…” he was quiet for a while, “no, I can’t force you to promise.
That would be wrong and I’m trying hard to do things right this time. I don’t
want to cause trouble for you and Yoongi, but I’m asking you, if you really
love me…if that’s how you feel, don’t stop saying it. Please keep telling me.
It’s stupid, I know, but not hearing it at all is worse than hearing it and
knowing that it doesn’t mean what it used to. I’m…I need to hear it. You’ve
been my sole reason for living for a long time now, without you…” his voice
trembled. “I need to hold on to you for just a little while longer while I try
to find something else to fill that space. Until you stop, please keep saying
it.”
The ache I felt at him needing to ask, it was so painful. “Jungkook, why would
you even have to ask? I do love you and I’m going to love you for the rest of
my life. You don’t have to worry about me saying it, as long as you understand
what it means.”
“I do. Every time I look at my ring, I’m reminded of my vows to you.”
“It’s the same for me. That’s why I haven’t been able to look at mine; it made
me sad.” I looked down at the band and smiled. “I thought you hated me and
seeing it made me want to cry. But I didn’t take it off because it helped me
feel close to you.”
“Ah, Kim Taehyung, you’re so weak for me.” He giggled softly, then sniffled.
“Thank you, Tae. Really, you have no idea how happy I am right now.”
“Now that we’ve settled this misunderstanding, can I come to you? Or would it
be easier for you to come here? I really, really want to see you. I don’t care
that it’s so early in the morning.”
“I want to see you, too Tae, but I can’t. Not right now.”
“Can we meet for breakfast then? We can go and get pancakes or something.”
“No…I can’t.”
“Jungkook, what’s going on? Why are you trying to avoid seeing me?”
“I’m not, I just can’t meet with you.”
“Why?” There was silence on the end and I knew he was trying to think up an
excuse. He was holding something back from me, I knew it. I had to put my foot
down; I refused to allow lies and omissions to come between us again. “You told
me you wouldn’t lie to me again. You promised not to keep secrets anymore. If
something is going on and you’re willfully keeping it from me, you are breaking
a promise to me. If you don’t honor your promise to me, then I won’t honor my
promise to you.”
“But…Tae. I’m not supposed to say anything. It’s for your own good, I swear.”
“According to who?”
“Everybody. Yoongi, Eomma Yun, Joon…everybody. Even myself. I don’t want…I need
you to focus on getting better. You’ve gone through a lot these last few day.
Just take care of you. Please, that’s what I want more than anything, hyung.
You shouldn’t worry about me.”
I did not like the sound of that at all. Behind the headache and the fever, I
could feel anger building. “It’s my job as your best friend, as the person who
loves you most to worry. Tell me now.” I said it forcefully, seriously—in a
tone that he knew meant business. He was quiet for a long time and I was just
about to threaten to take off my ring when he finally spoke up.
“When I came for you I couldn’t save you because I got caught by security.
They…um…attacked me? I don’t remember all of it because I passed out.”
I stood quickly, ignoring the jab of pain in my chest. “Where are you? Tell me
right now! I’m coming to you.” I went over and rifled with the things on the
coffee table and then to the countertop in the kitchen, searching for keys.
“Where?”
“No, you can’t. I’m fine now actually. I left the hospital the day before
yesterday. I’m healing.”
“Are you hurt? Is that why you can’t come to me?” I nearly choked on the words.
“Because I can come to wherever you are. I need to see you, Jungkookie.” I
started pacing. “Who’s taking care of you? Where are Jinnie and Joonie? Shit,
it’s my fault. I should…”
“No, don’t say that! That’s why no one wanted to tell you, so that you wouldn’t
blame yourself. It’s not your fault. I’m…shit, I’m fucking up again. I’m so
stupid.” He was close to crying again. “I promise, it’s not your fault. I broke
in on my own after the others told me not to. I didn’t have a plan, I had no
idea what I was getting myself into, I was reckless and I got caught. It’s not
your fault.”
“Kookie...” He didn’t get it. If I hadn’t gone there, he wouldn’t have followed
me. It was my fault, even if indirectly. But I wasn’t about to argue about that
trivial matter when he was injured. Making sure he was okay was the only thing
I cared about. “What did they do to you?”
“Bruised ribs, messed up my face a bit, but mostly just bruising. It wasn’t
that bad.”
I winced. The idea of him getting hit was too much as it was, but I wanted to
know who inflicted the injuries. I needed to know if he… “Was he…did
Grandfather…” I almost bit through my lip. “Did he touch you?”
“I…he was there. But like I said, I passed out. There were a lot of people
standing over me, kicking and punching. It’s possible, I guess.”
I planned to kill every single last bastard who thought it was okay to touch
him. I had a hard time keeping my composure, imagining the worst. “I’m…I told
you not to let yourself get hurt. I can’t…I don’t like the idea of you being in
pain. You were never supposed to go there again. You were supposed to stay away
from him.” The rage I felt at that moment was indescribable. I gave him free
reign over my body and let him do whatever wanted to me, but Jungkook…my
Kookie…he didn’t deserve something like that. He was pure. He was sweet. He was
fucking perfect and nobody had the right to put hands on him. Jeon Jungkook was
off limits and though he was my family, Kim Taesuk had gone too far. “Do you
remember what any of these men looked like?”
“I just know they work security at the mansion.”
“That’s all I need to know. Thank you for telling me.” I tried to get my anger
under control. I would make every single one of them pay in spades, Grandfather
too. “Now, tell me where you are so I can see for myself that you’re okay. I
won’t take no for an answer. I don’t care if I have to go through the city
street by street calling your name, I’m going to find you.”
“When I say I can’t, I really mean that I can’t. I physically cannot come to
see you because your Grandfather lied to the police. He told them I was
stalking you and that I broke in to attack you. I’m under house arrest so they
can monitor all of my movements and there’s a restraining order. I can’t be
anywhere near you or any other member of your family, including your residences
and your places of business.”
“What? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” To know that
Grandfather would stoop so low made me forget every promise I made to him. For
hurting my Jungkook he would definitely pay. “We live together, though. If you
can’t go home or to Jin and Joon…”
“My father…I’ve been remanded to the Park household.”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. But I’m stuck here until the court date unless the charges are
dropped.”
“Your father…are you okay?”
“Father has been weird but he hasn’t done anything. The others are taking full
advantage of the chance to torture me though.” He laughed sadly. “It’s nothing
I can’t handle. Plus Eomma Yun and Mr. Min stopped by last night and scared the
shit out of them, so I think I’ll be okay for a while. Don’t worry too much
about me. Just focus on getting better.”
“How could I not worry?” My head throbbed horribly and skin felt like it was on
fire, but still I tried to think up some solution to fix this now; I couldn’t
think of one thing. “Fuck…I’m so sorry. I failed you again, didn’t I?”
“Please, you’re only making me regret telling you. This is all Kim Taesuk’s
doing, not yours.”
“I’m supposed to be the one protecting you. All of this happened because I
failed. Don’t worry, I’m not in that frame of mind where I believe I need
punishment. I’m too angry for self-pity because I hate that he dragged you into
this. I hate that he let you get hurt and I hate that he’s going after you. I
just…I need to make them all pay. No one…no one can touch you in a way you
don’t like. No one can fuck with your life like this, not while I’m still
breathing. I’m so…I’m pissed, Kookie, and the last thing they want to see is me
pissed. I’m going to fix this entire mess so don’t worry. They’ll all get their
due. Trust me on that.”
“I don’t care about revenge or what happens to them as long as I get to see you
again. Just fix that so that we can meet and I can hug you again. But now that
you know everything, it might be best to end this call. I don’t want to hang
up; going for this long without hearing your voice was hell.” He laughed
uncomfortably. “If they somehow find out we’ve been in contact, it’s off to
jail I go.”
I never heard the door open so I don’t know how long he stood there before
moving, but I sensed him before I heard his gentle footfalls. His presence,
just knowing that he was there had a significant and immediate calming effect.
Pale arms wrapped around my waist and I could feel his cool forehead resting on
my back even through the bandages. I held his hands in place on my abdomen,
gripping the phone so hard I thought it might break. “We won’t let that
happen…I won’t let it happen, Kookie. I will see you soon, okay?”
“Okay.” His voice was much more stable, more assured. “Until then, bye. I love
you, Tae.”
“I love you, too, Kookie.” I felt Yoongi’s grip tighten and he pressed harder
into my back, so hard that the lacerations there flared painfully; I didn’t
have the mental capabilities to complain because when the line disconnected it
felt like losing Jungkook all over again. Consumed by grief, loss, anger, and
confusion, I tried to turn to my Yogi for comfort. He kept his arms locked
around me and I had to twist within his embrace in order to face him. Even
then, he kept his head down.
“You left me,” he mumbled, taking the phone from my hand and then embracing me
again. “Idiot.”
His heart pounded thunderously in his chest, breathing quick and shallow. I
smelled the salty remnants of sweat and tears and realized that he probably had
another anxiety attack and I wasn’t there to help him through it. He hadn’t
even stopped to grab clothes before coming to look for me. I didn’t know that
simply going into another room would trigger him and cause him to panic, but I
should have considered it. “I’m truly sorry, hyung.” I unlocked my arms from
his grip and brought my hands up to his face. He still wouldn’t lift his head,
but I could feel the moisture there. “I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to
wake you.”
“Don’t do it again. It scared me. I thought...”
“I’m sorry, my Yogi. I promised I wouldn’t leave again, remember?” I kissed the
top of his head and pulled him into my bandaged chest. “It was the last time, I
swear.”
He hummed, lips pressed against gauze and tape. “Promises, promises. Because
I’m so whipped, you know you’ll get away with everything. You’ll continue do
whatever you like and I’ll have to put up with it, won’t I? If I want to keep
you I have to accept everything.”
The words were so bitter and flat that I thought for a second that it wasn’t my
hyung in front of me. I never wanted to hear that tone again. “You don’t have
to. You could always dump me, hyung,” I joked. “I still believe you can do much
better than someone like me. If you want a hall pass to explore…”
He scoffed, finally looking up at me and letting himself relax. “Yeah right.
Why would I make myself suffer when you’re the one who did wrong?”
I shrugged, smiling through my mental anguish despite the whirlwind of worry in
my head because it was a blessing to have him in front of me. He would always
be the very best part of me and I was so lucky to get a second chance at life
with him. “As if I were sincere with a proposal like that…you’re mine and mine
alone, Yogi-hyung.” I linked my arms around his neck as his hands slid to my
hips. “You’ll have to think of something else, that offer is off the table.”
“It would be better to lock you in a room somewhere, no tv, no phone, no
internet.”
“In other words, you’ll reward me for my bad behavior. There is nothing I can
think of better than being locked in a room alone with you with no
distractions…though it might not be so good for you.”
He offered up a sullen laugh. “I’m sure I wouldn’t complain. Come back to bed,
love. You need to rest so that you heal faster.” There was no opposition on my
part as he led me back to the bedroom and forced me to sit in bed, tucking me
in tightly. Then he crawled in and laid on his stomach, head resting in my lap.
“Now you can’t sneak out again.” He tossed the phone into the shadows.
I chuckled halfheartedly, still pissed about Jungkook but trying hard to cheer
Yoongi up. “Get under the covers or at least put on some clothes so that you’re
not cold. I don’t mind the view, but I don’t want you to get sick.”
“I’m good.” His eyes were closed and I thought he was headed back to sleep
because he was so still. Then his voice rang out in the darkness, even though
he spoke quietly, “So, you left me to sneak a call to Jungkook.” It wasn’t
exactly true, but I could see how it looked that way to him. Even if I tried to
explain, the doubt was already there in his mind. It would be pointless unless
he was receptive. “He told you everything, didn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“Brat. He gave his word that he would keep his mouth shut. I like the kid but
he’s all muscle and no brain.”
I stiffened. “He has plenty brain and even more heart. He didn’t want to tell
me because he was just as worried about my reaction as the rest of you. He
still feels guilty about Vegas though, which is how I got him to spill
everything.” I never knew standing up for Jungkook could make me feel bad. I
didn’t want Yoongi to think I was taking a side, but insulting him was
something I couldn’t allow. “He swore never to lie to me again; he had no
choice. Don’t say things like that about him.”
“It wasn’t an attack, love. Don’t worry, I like the kid. I wouldn’t take shots
unless it was to his face. He and I have a thing…” He sighed heavily and
pinched his nose, not even bothering to respond. “Are you okay?”
“No, not at all. But I will be as soon as I fix things, which I plan to do as
soon as possible.”
“And what about me?” He opened his eyes and looked up at me. “I’m the one who
told him he couldn’t see you or call even though it would have been easy to
arrange it. I also kept his situation from you. Exactly how angry are you?”
“Very,” I said darkly. “Extremely mad. Fucking livid.” I traced his spine
lightly with my fingertips, still raging inside. “A lie by omission is still a
lie. We shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. I don’t like it even if I
understand why. I know that you were only trying to keep him out of trouble by
making him follow the terms. And I know that you only meant to protect me. I’m
angrier than I’ve ever been in my life, but it’s not directed at you. Never
towards you, my Yogi.”
“Ah…” he reached out for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Your whole body
is tense. I’ve never seen this side of you, Tae, this anger. You look like you
want to fight.”
“I do. I want to hurt the people who hurt him.”
“You’ll fight for him, but not for yourself…probably not for me either.” He
said it playfully, but the insecurity was apparent. “Try as I might, I can’t
wrap my head around it.”
“You’ve never needed me to fight for you before but I would if I had to. You
probably wouldn’t like what you saw. If anything happened to you…if anybody
ever dared…” I shuddered at the thought. “It wouldn’t be good for anyone.”
“So, that’s what it feels like to have you go all protective.” He allowed a
lazy grin. “The kid told me how heroic you were but I never thought I would see
it. I thought it was something exclusive to him.”
“It’s not. I would be worse if something happened to you. I love Jungkook very
much, but you…you are my life. I don’t think you want to know what I would do
if somebody hurt you.”
“You’ve changed a lot, Kim Taehyung.”
“Not by choice.” I tugged at his arm until he lazily sat up and climbed under
the sheets. He wrapped an arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder.
“Does it bother you that I’m different? I warned you before that I wasn’t the
same.”
“No, I’m just disappointed that I wasn’t there to see it happen. And a little
bit jealous because I have a nagging suspicion that this part of you, the
overprotective, kick ass first and ask questions later Taehyung only exists
because of Jeon Jungkook.”
“There’s a little truth to that. I think my grandfather is the main reason I am
the way I am; I don’t want to see anyone suffer the way I did growing up, so
the protective side of me developed. I didn’t show that side until I met
Jungkook, so I guess in a way it is because of him. He needed someone to stand
up for him, so I did. But do you remember why I decided to protect him?”
“You said he reminded you of me, but I’m not so sure it's true anymore.”
“It’s very true, hyung. That side of me exists because of you, too. More than
anyone else, you’ve influenced me to be who I am. Don’t forget that.” I kissed
him on the cheek. “You have no reason to be jealous of Jungkook.”
He pulled away from me and I almost tumbled over, head spinning from the sudden
movement. He fussed over me a little before bracing me up with pillows,
apologizing for moving so fast but also keeping his distance.“Can you honestly
say that when you snuck out of bed to call him?”
“I didn’t.”
“Then what did I walk in on out there?”
“Two friends reconnecting and comforting each other. I don’t have anything to
hide from you, hyung; you already know how I feel about Jungkook. We’re best
friends and we love each other…we miss each other. Our situation is complicated
and things changed so quickly that it’s going to take time to adjust, but you
are the only person I want to be with like this.” I grabbed his hand and
brought it to my lips, kissing it with much reverence before letting it go. “I
know it and Jungkook knows it, so why don’t you?”
He shook his head as if trying to clear it. “Shit, I don’t know, Tae. I’ve
heard you say things, saw you do things that make me doubt your decision. I
can’t help but wonder if maybe you chose too quickly. Maybe you chose wrong.”
I slid closer to him. “But I told you that there was never really a choice to
be made. Hyung, I want to be with you. Only you.”
“Are you sure? How you are with him is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. There’s
a different set of standards when it comes to him; you never hold him
accountable for anything he does. You treat him like some kind of infallible,
delicate, precious…thing.” I didn’t understand how he could say it so calmly
but sound as if he were screaming. “You call him in the middle of the night and
tell him how much you love him over and over again…even while my arms are
wrapped around you. And you say I have no reason to be jealous.”
“I’m saying it because it’s true.”
“Is it?”
“But…we’ve already discussed this. I thought it was settled.”
“All the pretty words in the world aren’t enough to make me ignore your
actions. You even called his name in your sleep,” he said sadly. “Imagine if it
were you taking care of me, stressed out from worrying, unable to sleep, and
you hear me call someone else’s name. Then you overhear me making proclamations
of my love in the middle of the night. What would you think?”
“I’m not discounting your feelings. I understand why you’re upset and I would
be too if I were in your place. I’m trying very hard to make this work, but I’m
so worried that I’m going to hurt you both. I can only ask you to trust me. I
love him, it’s true. But remember that it’s not the same love I have for you.”
“But are you sure about me, Tae? Did you really make the right choice?” He
grabbed my hands, being gentle with the bandaged one. “It’s not too late to
change your mind if you’re having second thoughts.”
“Second thoughts? It was too late to change my mind over twenty years ago.” I
leaned sideways, ignoring the painful headrush it took to do so, and gave him a
quick peck on the cheek. “You have it all wrong anyway, hyung. Would you like
to hear what really happened, even though it’s a little embarrassing?”
“Yes,” he responded while I was still asking. “No more secrets, remember?”
“Okay. The truth is I couldn’t sleep. There were a lot of things on my mind,
and yes, my relationship with Jungkook was one of those things. But the reason
I left the room is that I didn’t want to wake you. You’re stressed and I can
tell you haven’t been resting well. I just wanted you to have some peace. I
was…” even through the fever, anger, and frustration, I could feel myself
heating up again, “damn it, being around you is hard and I was trying to hold
myself back. During our time apart I lived like a monk until about six months
ago, and up until now, I hadn’t gone so far. Now that you’re so close to me
it’s like my brain has short-circuited and all I can think about is fucking
you. It’s as simple as that.” He stared at me, confused. “What we did earlier
when you…I wanted to…um…again.” I shook my head and covered my eyes in
embarrassment. “You were just so handsome and your skin and your lips…the way
you breathe, the way your hair covered your eyes…I wanted to kiss you, but I
knew if I kissed you I would want more. I knew you would wake up and you would
let me do what I wanted even though you’re tired. So I left.” I peeked out from
the safety of my hands.
He stared at me, face blank.
I covered my eyes again. “Before I left it was so bad that I put my mouth over
yours just so that I could taste your air. It’s pervy and weird, I know…I’m out
of control. The call wasn’t something I planned, honestly. I drank water, then
I sat down trying to figure out what I could do to quiet my mind, but it had to
be something that wouldn’t disturb you. That’s when I saw your phone and I
thought maybe there would be a game I could play. But when I saw the background
photo it reminded me of Jungkook and only then did I decide to try and call
him.”
Yoongi’s laugh had to be one of the cutest things I ever heard. “You idiot,
next time just wake me up.” His voice was far too close and I could feel the
bed sink in on both sides. I came out from my hiding place to find his brain-
numbingly handsome face hovering over mine; the sight stole my breath away. "It
would've caused less trouble."
“See, this is why I can’t control myself.” I reached out to caress his cheek.
“You can’t keep doing this to me, hyung. There are so many things I’m
struggling with in my mind and I’ve never been as pissed off as I am right now
but then I look at you and there’s only one thing I can think of...that’s why I
left to begin with. I was thinking how dangerous you are for me. I’m obsessed.”
“We’re in the same boat, love, because I’m fucknuts for you, too.” He kissed my
forehead and his lips were so cold I shivered. “As for your feelings for
Jungkook, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully okay with it but I understand that
you love him. I know love doesn’t just end because a relationship does and I
care about him, too. Even so, it’s hard for me to hear how-how strongly you
feel about him. I’m jealous of your relationship, so I may need reassurance
from time to time that it’s me you want. My heart knows the truth, but my head
is still fighting it. Just continue to be honest with me. And don’t think that
hiding your relationship with him will help, it’ll only make me suspicious.
Please bear with me, okay?” I nodded, still a little dazed by how gorgeous he
was. I would bear anything just if it meant I got to be this close to him. He
smiled as he dipped down to kiss me. Languidly and expertly, his mouth wiped
away all thoughts…I think I even blacked out for a few seconds but I wouldn’t
tell him that. “Your lips are hot.”
“My husband is hot.” I gripped his shoulders and pulled him closer.
“Idiot…I’m talking about your fever. Is it back?” He placed an ice cold palm
against my cheek, then my forehead. “You’re burning up again. What about the
rest of your injuries? Are you in pain?”
“It’s not that bad. I don’t feel any pain as long as you’re here.”
“You should rest more.”
“My mind is busy…I have too much to do.”
“It’s ass o’clock in the morning. What do you have to do?”
“Emergency room first to ease your mind about my condition. I don’t like seeing
you worry.” He smiled gummily at that. “Then a police station so that I can
work on dismissing the charges against Jungkook right away. I’m also going to
file a complaint against my grandfather.”
“I’m so proud of you, Tae. I’m going to be right by your side the entire time
supporting you. But you’ve been through a lot, love. Being up and around for
hours like that is going to take a toll, so right now more than anything you
need to rest. Wait a sec...” he disappeared into the darkness and minutes later
returned with more water and medicine.”
“I don’t want it. All I need is your arms around me and I’ll feel better. I’ll
rest, but I don’t want the medicine.”
“You don’t have a choice. Your fever is high and I know you’re probably in pain
but hiding it. Take it or I’m sleeping in the other room.” I turned away from
him and burrowed into the covers. ”I’m giving you one last chance, Kim Taehyung
or I swear I will walk out of here and make you sleep alone.”
“How is that fair?” I asked from under the sheets and comforter. “Weren’t you
just upset that I left you in bed, but now you’re going to leave me? I’m
calling your bluff, Min Yoongi.” I smiled brightly even though he couldn’t see
it. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re just as whipped as I am.”
“Fine. But, don’t blame me for what’s about to happen.”
It was deathly quiet, but I refused to give in. Then I heard ringing. I sat up
and peeked from under the covers. “Who are you calling this late?”
“Eomma.”
I frowned, dejected and defeated. “Okay, you win.”
He hung up smiling smugly. “Thought so.” He handed over the glass and the
medicine and I begrudgingly took them. I swallowed the pills and drank the
whole glass in one go before handing it back to him. “Was that so hard?” He set
it on the nightstand along with his phone and climbed into bed. He didn’t
complain when I snuggled up to him, even though my skin burned. I tucked my
face into the crook of his neck and we tangled our legs together. He wrapped
his cool arms around me and though my back throbbed a complaint, I welcomed it.
“Yes,” I grumbled.
“It was for the best. I’m sorry I had to be so mean, love, but your health is
most important to me. Hopefully, you can sleep comfortably in my arms now.”
“Ah, then it was worth it in the end. Tighter?” I asked.
“Won’t it hurt?” I shook my head quickly and he squeezed me to him; it did
hurt, but it barely registered because I felt even closer to him. “By the way,
you do know that you addressed me as husband back then, right?”
“A total lapse in judgment. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again, hyung.”
“What? Why not?”
“Ask me properly and then I’ll use it.”
"Okay, I will. I already have a plan." He kissed my forehead and I rewarded him
with the grin he loved so much. “How is your head?”
“Still busy, but maybe when the meds kick in my mind will quiet down.”
“And your anger?”
“Lingering in the background, but there. You’re distracting me as usual.” I
could hear his heart beating steadily in his chest; it was very calming. His
cool skin thwarted the fire raging on mine and his hands were so soft…so
gentle.
“About earlier…”
“You don’t have to explain it further. I won’t take your needs for granted, I
promise. For as long as it takes, I’ll keep reminding you that you are the only
one for me. I really do understand.”
“I’m going to scare you away, I know it.”
“I have the same thoughts. That’s why I’m going to hold on tight to you for as
long as I can. Every minute, every second I’ll be fighting to hold on to you,
my Yogi.”
"We'll fight for each other...and Jungkook too. The brat has grown on me."
"I'm glad. He doesn't have many people who love him in this world."
"Poor kid. He's had it rough, hasn't he?"
"He has." I could feel my eyelids getting heavy.
Yoongi grunted and started stroking my hair. My eyes fluttered shut. "I guess I
don't mind you telling him you love him. Sometimes those three words can make a
world of difference; they can determine whether you give up or continue the
fight. I know it from my own experience."
"Mmhmm," I mumbled sleepily.
"Just love me more."
"I already do. I always will."
"Tell me, love. I want to hear it."
"I love you. Min Yoongi." I couldn't open my eyes. I could feel his fingers
skimming lightly along my scalp. I could hear his heart beating strong and
steady in his chest, even though it sounded far away. I felt his chest rise and
fall, the rhythm lulling me even as I fought to hold onto him. "I love you, I
love you, I love...Yoongi, I love you...I do...I...just you." He hummed happily
and the vibrations reverberated throughout my body. It was such a relaxing
feeling. "All I want is you. I lo...stay. I love you...Yogi...husband?" He
laughed and I could feel the huge smile spreading across my face. Cold lips met
mine and I shivered again. I mumbled, "I love you, hyung. I love you, I love
you..."
And the whole world slipped away.
Chapter End Notes
     Damn it, I would hate to be in Tae's position here. Trying to be
     there for the both of them while he's still dealing with his own
     shit...I do not envy him at all. I don't know who has it worse in
     this situation, it's pretty bad for all three. I have a feeling Tae
     is going to catch hell, lol, but remember folks that he's still
     pretty messed up. It hasn't even been a full two days since he was
     freed and he's getting hit with a lot of shit all at once and trying
     desperately not to worry the people he loves. The fact that he hasn't
     cracked yet is kind of admirable.
     One thing that pissed me off: Taegi sex happened and I didn't even
     write it out. I'm stupid. Missed opportunity and all that jazz.
     When my heart broke: Jungkook begging Tae to keep saying ILY,
     heartbreaking. Yoongi begging him for the same thing, equally
     heartbreaking.
     Something I knew but realized again: Overprotective, angry Tae is
     hot.
     I don't know if anybody has noticed Tae's reluctance to take
     medicine. It's a nearly unnoticeable issue with huge implications so
     I felt the need to explain. It ties into his mental state. He's doing
     better but he hasn't overcome his belief that he deserves pain.
     Medicine would be like too much like cheating to avoid what he
     deserves. The others don't really know that it's a way to further
     punish himself. Also, this isn't the first time he's asked to be
     squeezed tighter while injured...ijs, it's going to take a while for
     that to go away.
     Next week is the continuation. The hospital visit and a reunion with
     our two brave detectives. We're about to set Kim Taesuk up for a big
     fall, hehehehe. See you guys in the comments.
***** Under Pressure *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi is on edge; Yoongi re-evaluates his love for Tae after a
     lesson on unconditional love; Yoongi and Jungkook make mischief;
     Jungkook offers advice; Yoongi discovers the new Taehyung.
Chapter Notes
     :-*
There were only a few feet between us but it was still too far. I tapped my
foot impatiently. Why was I more worried than him? He was the one on the
examination table looking like a shredded meat sack, covered in purple and
yellow bruises over the entirety of his torso with deep, weeping lash cuts on
his chest and back, yet there he sat shooting me heart eyes and my favorite
grin as a male nurse swabbed his back for samples. Seeing him without the
bandages should have been harder to stomach and the guilt was still unbearable,
but through my eyes he’d never been more beautiful. Where others may have seen
torn, bruised, and abused flesh, I saw strength and courage. It filled me with
so much pride knowing that someone as great as him could love a louse like me.
I wanted to shoot him heart eyes too but I was too on edge watching the male
nurse, whom I called ‘murse’ in my head. I chewed at a hangnail while he
finished up, eyes flicking back and forth between the nurse’s actions and Tae’s
face. I had to watch for any sign of discomfort, any pain. I wondered if it
hurt the way the guy cruelly dug the swab into his wounds, wiping it side to
side with nary a concern for the damage it might cause…dumbass murse. I thought
I saw Tae flinch and had to grip the arms of the chair to keep myself seated. I
wanted to punch that guy, that stupid fucking murse, for hurting him even the
slightest bit and if I saw Tae flinch again I would grab that swab and jam it
down his fucking throat.
Why couldn’t they have sent a female instead? A woman would have been more
tender towards him…better yet they could have just let me do it. I’m sure if
they explained the steps well enough, I could get the samples myself and no one
else would have to touch him. The murse said something, but I ignored him. He
had the nerve to smile at me before leaving and I briefly thought of sticking
my foot out to trip him just to watch him go flying. It was a mean thought, but
the bastard had been so rough with Tae that I couldn’t help but hate him. I
only restrained myself because it was childish and Tae wouldn’t find it funny
at all. He took his samples and left the room without any interference from me,
closing the door behind him.
I practically flew to Taehyung, carefully wrapping my arms around him while he
locked his legs around me. I kissed his tattered chest gently and let my head
rest there. He kissed the top of my head. "He was so rough with you. Did it
hurt love?”
“It wasn’t too bad.”
“Not too bad? That means it hurt, right?” I felt him nod and I got angry.
“Only a little. I’ve felt worse, hyung, so it’s no big deal.”
I began to regret my insistence that he come to the hospital and Namjoon’s days
on this planet were numbered. I planned to kill him the next time I saw him for
even suggesting this because the fucker didn’t tell me I would have to watch
Taehyung suffer. Not only were the nurses and doctors indifferent to his
pain—poking and prodding about with reckless abandon, making him perform the
same actions over and over again like he was in a goddamned circus—but I had to
watch Taehyung get embarrassed every time he had to explain his injuries. And
watching him stumble over the injuries he couldn’t explain thanks to his shoddy
memory was a miserable sight. A whole fucking parade of doctors had been in and
out of the room and Taehyung curled in on himself every time a new doctor was
introduced. But the worst, the absolute fucking worst were the pictures.
Taehyung looked so uncomfortable but still he smiled through it trying to make
sure I was okay, which I wasn’t. It was like he was on display or something and
the whole thing had me on edge. Kim Namjoon was as good as dead.
“I’ll be fine. I’m just ready for them to bring back the results. All that
matters is setting your mind at ease. This is nothing to me if it helps you,
hyung.”
“I don’t like the way they’re touching you so carelessly. They aren’t even
considering how much pain you must be in,” I muttered.
“They’re only doing their jobs. Your mind is exaggerating things because you
love me, that’s all. Everything looks harsher to you because you’re worried.”
He kneaded the back of my neck. “I’m fine. If you’re with me, I’ll always be
fine.”
“That asshole doctor squeezed your hand too hard and he damn near put your eye
out, as if it’s not damaged enough. And the idiot who just left practically
stabbed you.”
“He did not,” he said giggling. “Hyung, it’s not half as bad as you’re making
it out to be.”
“But he spoke so gruffly, love, ordering you around like that. Is this a
hospital or a prison? Lift your arm…bend forward…turn your fucking head and
cough…recite the goddamn periodic table backward while standing on your
head…then he stabbed you with that damned swab.”
“Hyung!” He smacked my arm and laughed loudly; I allowed a small smile. “He was
very nice and warm to me actually. He warned me that it would hurt before he
started. Weren’t you listening?” I wasn’t but I didn’t tell him that. “He was
as gentle as my condition allowed. I’m fine.”
Hearing that made me relax a little…only a little. I looked up at his smiling
face and chuckled a bit. “I’m sorry that I’m like this, Tae. Your husband is
pathetic, right? I’m a mess.”
He cradled my face and moved in until we were nose to nose. “I think it’s
adorable and it shows how much you love me. You taking care of me and being
overprotective like this has always been my biggest kink.”
“What? Don’t say things like that in a place like this.”
He shook his head at me, grinning and patting my head. “Ah, my poor depraved
hyung. I didn’t mean it sexually but like an eccentricity…a quirk.”
“Next time say one of those instead.”
“Maybe if your head wasn’t in the gutter…”
I glared at him. “You’re one to talk Kim Taehyung. Need I remind you about your
assault on my poor body? Did you not see that old lady judging me in the lobby?
And those people at the desk actually pointed and laughed while we filled out
paperwork. Did you have to mark me in weird places? My wrist? My cheek? It’s
weird.”
He shrugged. “Like it’s my fault you taste as good as you do. Besides, it lets
everybody know that you’re taken. But I recall being assaulted last night as
well and it was far worse than anything I did to you.”
My face heated up and Taehyung smiled brightly. “Let’s forget that little lapse
in judgment, love. I wasn’t myself.”
“No way! Why would I ever want to forget that?” He wound his arms around my
neck. “As a matter of fact, I may be requesting a repeat performance in the
very near future. Very near, like when we get back to the room near. What do
you think about that, my Yogi?”
I scowled. “When hell freezes over.”
“I’ll call you husband for the rest of the week.”
“I’ll consider it.”
“I’ll change my last name to Min tomorrow.”
“When we get back to the room.”
Taehyung laughed letting his forehead meet mine. “You’re too easy, hyung.”
“Naturally I want to spoil my husband. It’s my job.” His swollen eye didn’t
detract from the prettiness; the undamaged one sparkled with glee and I was
helpless against him. My anger just sort of fizzled out, which had been his
plan all along. He was so annoying. “You can stop now…I’m good, I promise.”
“Good.” He brought a hand up to my cheek. “How do you always know what I’m up
to?”
“The same way you always do. Thanks, Tae.”
“Naturally I have to take care of my husband. It’s my job,” he teased before
kissing me and grabbing my hand. “Now all that’s left is to wait.”
“That’s the worst part,” I griped, laying my head in his lap and wrapping my
arms around his waist. He had helped me get through my anger but the worrying
was an entirely different beast to slay. Until I got the all clear from an
actual doctor, the knots in my stomach would continue tightening and churning.
As he played with my hair I prayed that everything would come back okay. Please
let him be okay…please…
I stood with my head in Tae’s lap for over an hour and though my back ached and
my legs buzzed annoyingly from exhaustion, I didn’t dare move. This was the
most relaxed I had seen him since we took him from that place. He ran his
fingers through my hair humming softly to himself and it was such a peaceful
moment. I wanted it to last longer, so I didn’t move even though they felt like
they would give out at any moment.
My poor legs were saved when the door opened and a doctor came in followed by
the nurse from earlier. I stood upright and grabbed Tae’s hand. I couldn’t
prevent the panic bubbling up and I nearly forgot to breathe until I felt a
squeeze. I focused on his warmth, on the strong, steady pressure from his hand
and braced myself for the worst.
                                     *****
It wasn’t the worst, but it was still pretty fucking bad.
We sat in the pharmacy on opposite sides of the waiting area. Taehyung chewed
on his bottom lip as he was prone to do in stressful situations, trying hard
not to meet my eyes. He picked at the new cast on his hand and I could tell his
mind was elsewhere. I stared at him, waiting for him to say something.
Anything. He hadn’t spoken at all since we left the hospital and I was afraid
that he was pulling away from me. He was too far away again and it was killing
me. I wanted to run to him and apologize, but after yelling at him the way I
did I was afraid to make the first move.
It was my fault for blowing up at him once the doctor listed off his injuries,
but damn it, he lied to me. Well, not really lied…not exactly. He hid his pain
from me. He didn’t tell me how bad his condition was and though I suspected it,
I never thought he would keep something as important as that from me.
I only lost my temper because I was so worried. I thought about all the things
we did last night and realized that I could have easily hurt him. He didn’t
understand how seriously I took his health and safety. To think that I could
have injured him, even unintentionally, made me feel sick to my stomach and I
wanted to explain it to him, but I didn’t want to get overemotional and blow up
again. So, I sat there staring at him and waiting for him to say something.
Anything.
“Do me a favor and stop gawking at me like I’m going to die in the next
second,” he said without looking up. “It’s annoying.”
“If you were going to die in the next second I’d never know because you
wouldn’t tell me,” I retorted, even though I was relieved to hear him speak.
“We’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other. How could you do that to
me, Tae?”
“How could I keep something from you that I didn’t know myself?”
“Are you shitting me? You had to have felt it…you should have told me.”
He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “There was nothing to tell! You’re making this a
bigger deal than it actually is, hyung.”
“Two fractured ribs. Fractured tarsal. Infected lacerations. Concussion. Sounds
like a pretty fucking big deal to me,” I grumbled. “I have every right to be
upset.”
“It could have been much worse.”
He said it so cavalierly...like it was nothing. “Isn’t it bad enough as is?
They wanted to keep you overnight, didn’t they?”
“Just for observation, not for anything serious.”
“Did you not hear the doctor? It is serious!”
“I told you from the beginning that I don’t care. I only went to the hospital
because you wanted me to and I thought it would make you feel better. It only
made things worse and now you’re even more upset.” He finally looked at me and
I suddenly wanted to cry. I could feel myself shaking apart and I don’t know
what it was that he saw to make him hurry over and wrapped his arms around me,
but he did it quickly and without fuss. “How much longer are we supposed to be
mad at each other anyway? It sucks because all I want to do is hug you. I hate
seeing you upset and I don’t want to fight with you, hyung, especially over
something as silly as this.”
“I’m not mad and we aren’t fighting. I’m just…it’s hard not to worry about
you.”
“But you haven’t talked to me since we left the hospital.”
“You’ve been quiet the whole time, too. I know I yelled a lot…I really regret
it. Aren’t you mad at me for that?”
“No, I can’t ever get mad at you. I know you weren’t yelling at me, I
understand your frustration. I’ve been quiet because I don’t know what to say
when you keep looking at me like I’m a disappointment. It feels like you’re
judging me and I can’t handle it.”
“Love, you’re not a disappointment and I’m the last person in the world who
would ever judge you. If that’s how I’m making you feel, I’m sorry. And I’m
sorry for raising my voice at you even if you understand why I did it.” He laid
his head on my shoulder although the angle had to be uncomfortable. I wanted to
fuss at him, but I knew it would be useless. “You should have told me you were
in pain. How can I take care of you properly if you won’t tell me how hurt you
are?” He didn’t answer, didn’t even acknowledge that he heard me. I took his
good hand in mine. “I’m trying my hardest to take care of you but you’re
fighting me and I’m so close to losing my shit. Please stop and let me do
what’s necessary to help you get better. After we get your medicine, let’s go
back to the suite and lay in bed, okay? The doctor said nothing too strenuous
so all I want you to do today is rest and take your meds. That’s it.”
He frowned. “I'm not in pain, hyung. I told you that I'm fine; these injuries
are tolerable. I have things to do. As much as I would like to just relax all
day in the suite, the police station is next. There’s no telling how long it
will take, but I’m not leaving there until Jungkook is cleared of those false
allegations. Then I have all those meetings regarding the company…taking that
bastard down is too important. I can’t rest.”
I tensed. This was typical Taehyung. Not giving a damn about himself and
putting everybody else first. Most of the time it was something I admired about
him, but in instances like this, I hated it. “Maybe it would be best to wait.
Just a few days of rest is all I’m asking for, love. Days instead of the six
weeks they said it would take for you to heal completely; I feel like it’s more
than fair. Jungkook can take care of himself until then. He’ll understand.”
“No,” he said stubbornly.
“Tae, don’t make me beg.”
“Begging won’t help, Yoongi-hyung. I’m not going to let him stay in that house
another day with those people. You don’t understand how much he suffered living
with his family and thanks to me he’s facing jail time on top of being stuck
there. I’m not going to just sit around on my ass doing nothing when Jungkookie
needs me.”
In highly dramatic fashion of which I believed myself incapable, I slid out of
my seat and flounced onto the floor, landing with a loud splat. “Please, love.
I need you, too. Don’t I matter just as much?” I laid my head in his lap again.
“Please, please, please…be reasonable, love. You promised you would love me
more. Is Jungkook more important than me?”
“Resorting to cuteness? That’s a new low for you, Min Yoongi,” he said with
narrowed eyes. Amazingly enough, he burst into laughter. “Why would you ask
such a ridiculous question? And stop making a scene.” He helped me up and
forced me to sit next to him.
“It’s only a scene if people are around to witness it. Even if it weren’t nine
in the morning and empty in here, I wouldn’t give a damn about what people
thought. If it gets you to listen to reason I would do anything, even give up
my pride.”
“You idiot, you are the person I love most.” He kissed me so lovingly then, a
hand winding around my neck to hold me in place. “You matter most, okay? But I
won’t be able to rest well until I get him out of that house. The stories he
told me has me worried and I need to see him to make sure he’s alright. Even if
I’m safely locked away in the suite l'll be climbing the walls. I won’t be at
peace until I know he’s safe.”
“And I won’t be at peace until I know you’re safe.”
“So it comes down to choosing between you two again…Jungkookie’s safety or your
sanity.”
“I’m not trying to force a choice, love.”
“Can we compromise?”
“As long as that compromise includes you in bed, safe and sound.”
“Okay. For you, I promise to rest. But you have to set up a meeting with those
detectives for me. They can take my statement at the hotel, right? I want those
charges cleared more than anything…well, almost anything.” He kissed me again.
“I’ll do a video chat with the rest of the people I’m supposed to meet with,
right from the bed.”
I grinned at him. “It’s still pretty early, but I’ll call when we get back to
the room. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to come to you. I like this
compromise.”
“That’s not all. Jungkookie…I know he’s in a house full of people, but I also
know he’s very lonely. His family is really complicated and he needs support.
Since I can’t go I want you to visit him. Just to make sure he’s okay.”
“Hell no,” I said firmly. “I want to check on him too, but I already told you
I’m not letting you out of my sight. I cannot. I physically can’t leave you
right now, not so soon. We talked about this.” It was unfair of him to even ask
me. He saw me break down, he witnessed my anxiety attack…he should have known
better than to ask something this serious.
“You said you would do anything to make me see reason.”
“Not that. I’m already anxious enough while you’re right next to me. I hate
telling you no, but no.”
“Then we have no deal. Today’s schedule goes on as planned. Police station
first, then my lawyer, my financial consultants, loyal board members—”
I cut him off, shaking my head. “Tae…no. I can’t let you do this. I know how
much Jungkook means to you but this is too much. Call him,” I begged, pulling
out my phone. “Talk to him first. I guarantee he would be on my side in this.
He would be just as worried as I am and he would tell you to rest...”
“I’m sorry, hyung. I hate making you worry but I’m not going to leave him there
alone. I don’t give a damn whether he agrees with you or not, it’s my decision
to make in the end. I’m preparing for war here and I’m going to do it with or
without your support. I’m not going to let Grandfather get away with what this.
I’m going to cripple him for what he did to my Jungkook in every way possible.
Physically, mentally, financially…he will pay. And it all starts with freeing
my Kookie. If you can’t do what I ask, resting will have to wait.”
I didn’t miss the possessiveness of his words when he talked about Jungkook,
but that would have to wait until another time. My jealousy was a very small
thing in the grand scheme of things. He needed to understand why I couldn’t
leave him. “I never said I wouldn’t support you, just that I wouldn’t leave
you. Do you have any idea how hard that would be for me with my illness? Did
you even consider it?” It was an extremely difficult thing to even picture and
I was pissed that he asked. Being away from him in any capacity, even if I
could still see him was intolerable. My throat would close up and air couldn’t
get in. My chest would start burning accompanied by this terrifying
dizziness…and those were just a few of the physical aspects. Voices in my head
would whisper that I would lose him…that he would run…that he would disappear
forever and I wouldn’t find him again…that he didn’t really love me and this
whole relationship was a lie. It was enough to make me fearful; I believed
those voices.
“Hard for you?” he huffed. “You…I can’t believe you’re being like this after
what I’ve done for you today! Do you think going to the hospital wasn’t hard?
Telling those strangers in detail what he did to me and how long I let it go
on…sharing my embarrassment over and over again. Letting them see me like
this,” he said gesturing at himself, “letting them touch me and take
pictures…you think that wasn’t hard? Degrading? Mortifying?” He shook his head
sadly. “Every single time I told my story today I had to relive those things in
my head. Do you know how many times I wanted to cry in there? I wanted to
scream, hyung. I wanted to hide my face in shame and disappear. But then I
would look at you…” He kissed me and smiled fondly. “I would do it again if you
asked me. I would stand on a street corner and yell it out through a bullhorn
clad only in my underwear if I thought it would make you feel better. When I
say that I’ll do anything for you, I mean it. I can survive anything as long as
you’re on the other side waiting for me. That’s how much I love you, Min
Yoongi. I thought you felt the same way and now I know that you don’t.”
“That’s not true, Tae. I love you just as much as you love me. It’s not just
me; you have your limits, too. Just look at your situation with Jungkook. Even
now, you’re risking your health for him. You refuse to let him go.”
“Have you ever really asked me to give him up, hyung? Be honest.”
He waited for me to answer, but I didn’t. It was unnecessary because we both
knew the answer. I never asked because I knew it would hurt him, but also
because I was scared that he would say no and I would eventually lose him.
Besides, it would be unfair to deprive him of a friendship just because it made
me uncomfortable. So, I never asked…I wanted to, but didn’t.
“I only told you how I felt, that I refused to leave him behind. I love
Jungkook. He’s the second most important person in my life, but if you asked…”
he looked ashamed, “I feel like he was destined to be a part of my life; I feel
incomplete without him. It would kill me to betray him like that since I
promised I would never leave him, but if you asked I would do it. I would
probably try to take care of him from a distance because I know I’ll never stop
loving him, but I wouldn’t see him. I wouldn’t talk to him. I would lowkey
resent you for making me do it and it would probably change me as a person
forever, but I would cut him out of my life if you asked. That’s how much I
love you.”
“Taehyung…you know I would never ask, right? I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“I know, and I’m grateful. I considered your illness, really I did, but I
mistakenly believed you would try to overcome it for me. I was wrong, but it
doesn’t make me love you any less. I’m happy that I learned something new about
you, that I know your limits. It’s good information to have since I never want
to push you into something you don’t want.”
It was a shocking thing to hear, that he would go so far just to keep me…that
it was possible I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. It wasn’t true, was
it? It couldn’t be after everything I had done to find him…only after you tried
to end your life three times. That was true. I didn’t even last a month when he
left before and tried to starve myself to death. During the time I was wasting
away in a hospital bed Taehyung had been tortured, yet he held on to his faith
that I would find him. He loved me that much. I, on the other hand, gave up as
soon as things got hard…no, it couldn’t be true. It couldn't just be me who had
limits. “I may not have asked you to give up Jungkook, but I did ask you to
rest. You said no.”
“I said no because I’m all he’s got. I’m his hyung…we’re each other’s family.
If it were you or anybody else I loved I would do the same. You know me; I
could never let anyone I care about suffer when I could do something about it.
I never said I wouldn’t rest, just that I had to take care of him first. And I
gave you an alternative I could live with so that you could have your way, but
you refused it. It’s okay; I don’t want you to ever do something that makes you
uncomfortable, but you have no right to be upset when you’re the one who can’t
compromise.”
How could I argue against that? Looking at everything Taehyung had been
through, my struggles seemed insignificant. My worries, no matter how
justified, were superficial. I was afraid he would leave me, scared to death of
losing him, but so what? In the end didn’t that just make me self-centered and
weak? Our relationship was so unbalanced, I could see it clearly now. My
illness was a huge factor in this, he didn’t discount that, but I did let it
limit me instead of trying to beat it. He was literally willing to do anything
for me, but I was all talk and no action. I loved him too much, but it still
wasn’t enough.
They finally called his name and he stood and stretched, wincing afterward.
Then he held out a hand to help me up, wearing the smile reserved for me. How
did he do it? How could he be so damn strong? Had I gone through what he went
through, I doubt I would be still standing much less helping someone else
through their shit and smiling the entire time. But that was my Tae. He
endured. He survived. And he had enough strength left to take care of me and
Jungkook. I admired him so much, but most importantly I loved him.
I gingerly took his hand, not wanting him to bear the brunt of my weight, and
stood. He didn’t let go, gripping me tightly as we walked to the counter; I
trailed him like a lovesick puppy. He only let go when I had to sign for his
medication since he didn’t have any ID, but as soon as it was done he grabbed
my hand again and led the way outside.
While we walked to the car I couldn’t take my eyes off him; he positively
glowed. How could he be so damned beautiful after telling me off? Did putting
me in my place make him shine like that? Did it even count as telling me off
when he had never raised his voice and smiled almost the entire time? “Why are
you so happy?” I asked. “I’ve been complaining and yelling and fussing over you
for the last few hours, your body is wrecked, Jungkook is stuck in hell, and
you’re about to battle your grandfather...but you can still smile like this.”
He playfully swung our hands back and forth. “It should be obvious, my Yogi.”
He pointed up at the sky. “That bitch the sun is shining, there’s not a single
cloud in sight…” he squeezed my hand lovingly, “and you’re by my side.” He
shrugged while laughing. “That’s enough for me to be happy, isn’t it? Things
aren’t perfect, but I have you. As long as I have you, I can smile like this.”
I stopped walking right in the middle of the parking lot. “I love you, Tae,” I
said with conviction. “I honestly and truly love you. I’m a coward and I’m
weak, but I do love you.”
He moved in front of me and pinched my chin before kissing me senseless. As I
stood there trying to figure out how he did that, how he made everything else
disappear, he gave me a confident grin. “I know you love me. Being afraid is
natural; worrying goes hand in hand with loving someone. You have an illness
and you still struggle with it. That doesn’t make you a coward or weak…just
human.”
Before I could chicken out, I surrendered. “I’m…I’m willing to try, okay? I’ll
overcome my fears for you. Those detectives we met, I trust them to keep you
safe. If you promise to stay in bed and rest, I’ll arrange the meeting. While
they’re there, I’ll go see Jungkook. But I have to do this in baby steps, love,
so…twenty minutes?”
“Two hours,” he countered.
I shuddered. “No. No way, that’s far too long. I…no, I’m not ready for that.
Half an hour?”
“An hour.”
“Do you want to see me die, love? Forty minutes and that’s my limit.”
“Deal, but you have to bring him burgers and chocolate and tell him that
they’re from me. And you have to hug him.”
I grimaced. “No way in hell am I hugging that bastard. He’s my competition.”
He laughed loudly. “You’re the only one still competing, hyung.”
“Believe that if you want. He’s sweet and he’s a better person than me, but if
you think he’s given up then you don’t really know Jeon Jungkook.”
“It’s not about me not knowing him, hell, he told me he was going to fight for
me. But isn’t his fight useless if I’m already a married man? I may love
Jungkook, but all I want is you.”
It was nice to hear, but those doubts in my head…my jealousy…it wouldn’t let me
accept it. Still, I kissed him passionately, pulling him into me rough and hard
like his injuries didn’t exist. I could be reckless just this once; I wanted
him to feel everything I felt. I studied his face for a long time afterward. He
was my reason for living, my reason for being. “Fuck…I love you so much, Min
Taehyung.”
He punched my arm. “Ask me properly first before calling me that, you jerk. But
I love you, too.”
                                     *****
It was already after four in the afternoon. I rang the doorbell for the second
time and waited. I called hours ago to tell him I was swinging by and what time
I would be here, but he wasn’t answering and it was beginning to piss me off.
Taehyung made me promise not to start counting the minutes until I actually saw
Jungkook; he was such a clever brat. It had already taken ten minutes to get to
this side of town, then another seven minutes to get the food, then—thanks to a
long line and one register—nine minutes to buy snacks. And now two minutes had
ticked by as I waited for him to answer the door. With the forty minutes of
visiting time, I had already exceeded an hour and if Jungkook didn’t hurry I
would go way beyond that; it was unacceptable. If he didn’t answer in the next
minute I had to leave. It was already becoming hard to breathe.
He’s gone…he left already. You won’t find him this time…he’s too far.
The detectives had been there for two hours already and the matter of
Jungkook’s restraining order was resolved pretty easily since Tae had never
filed a complaint. Tae’s lawyer planned to bring paperwork for him to sign
while the detectives were still there so that he could get on the docket
quicker and get the order dissolved. He warned that it might take days, but Tae
told him to do whatever it took to get it dropped as quickly as possible.
When they moved on to Tae’s statement about the abuse he suffered, they had to
put me out of the room because I kept interrupting their questioning by
worrying over Tae. It was extremely cruel, but they couldn’t keep me out
completely. I had to check on him…just to be sure. I whipped out my phone and
dialed Detective Griffin again…he picked up quickly. “You’re really
interrupting the process, you know that right? This is the fourth time you’ve
called. What is it?”
“Is he…he’s still there, right? He’s okay?” He must have covered the phone or
something because everything sounded muffled. I heard laughter when the sound
cleared up.
“Never in my lifetime have I encountered a man as whipped as you are Yoongi.
It’s pathetic.” I heard him and Wilson still laughing in the background and
frowned. Those bastards…
“Yogi-hyung? I’m here. I’m safe. And I’m waiting for you to come back. Now stop
calling.”
I let out a loud breath of relief. “I’m going to buy you a phone on the way
home, okay? I feel too far away, love. I’m panicking and Jungkook hasn’t even
answered the door. Can I just come back?”
“No, you definitely need to stay.” His voice sounded steely and harsh. “If he’s
not answering it’s because he can’t. They’ve done something, that’s the only
reason why he wouldn’t answer. Trust me, you need to get in there, Yoongi.
Maybe I should come…”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. We have a deal, remember? I’m going to
take care of it, just finish giving your statement and I’ll be there when I’m
done. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I hung up even though I didn’t want to…it was a little easier to breathe now
that I heard his voice again. I rang the doorbell one more time before trying
the knob; it was locked. I moved around the house, the bag of burgers still in
my hand, looking for an entry point. I made it to the back door, which was also
locked, and was contemplating breaking a window to get inside when I heard loud
banging coming from behind me. It looked like a tool shed and there were two
huge sacks of fertilizer sitting in front of the door.
“Don’t tell me…” I muttered, sitting the food on a table and racing over to
move the bags. When I opened the door, a purple-faced Jungkook spilled out and
fell to the ground. He was a sweaty mess and breathing heavily as he clawed at
the lawn. “Those evil fucks!”
“Hyung?” he struggled between breaths. “You’re…you came? How…long have I
been…in there?”
“No idea, I just got here.”
“It was like…a fucking sauna in there...poor ventilation…couldn’t breathe, that
bitch…told me to straighten up…must’ve locked me in.”
I was so glad Tae forced me to stay. Who knows how long he would have been out
here suffering if I had left. “Are you okay, kid?”
“Yeah…just needed air.” He managed to stand up on his own and grimaced at me.
“Could’ve been worse to be honest. Much worse.”
I felt so sorry for the brat. “C’mon,” I said giving him a pat on the back as
we walked towards the house, “let’s share a meal. I brought food, courtesy of
my Tae-Tae. He sends his love.”
He smiled so cutely then, that stupid bunny grin that I hated. How had I won
over him? “Even in this place, I feel lucky because I have him. He takes care
of me so well.” He chuckled. “I’m glad he was thoughtful enough to send
something since I haven’t eaten anything all day.”
“Why not?”
“Can’t trust the food. They do things to it just to fuck with me, so…” he
trailed off. “But I had three bowls of cereal yesterday morning from an
unopened box, that was good. Jin sent cookies but my brothers had possession of
them for a while, so I had to toss ‘em.” He smiled like what he said was no big
deal. “What did you bring me?”
I disregarded his question, suddenly angry. “They…what do you mean by they do
things to it?”
“The usual childish pranks. Glass, spit, dropped on the floor, dirt mixed
in…you never know with the Parks. It’s better not to eat. But if I do decide to
try, they find a way to spill on me or something.” He saw the bag waiting on
the table and a huge grin broke out on his face. “Burgers!” He sprinted towards
the house and picked up the bag like it was something holy. “Ah, you’re the
best hyung, well, not better than Tae but still pretty good.” He plopped down
in a chair, opened the bag and took a huge whiff. “And fries, too!”
“You can eat it all, brat. I’m still full from breakfast,” I lied, feeling
horrible that he had to go through this.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. What you can’t finish just save it for later,” I suggested taking a seat
next to him. He nodded happily and dug in. He was so preoccupied with the food
that he didn’t pick up on my fury. “What else have they done to you since
you’ve been here, Jungkook?” I asked calmly, jaw tight with rage. “You don’t
have to worry about holding anything back with me. Spare no details, tell hyung
everything…get it off your chest.” He talked as he stuffed his face and by the
time he ate his fill and finished the story, I agreed with Tae. We had to get
him the hell out of here. The fact that he said it all as if it were something
normal, something that everybody went through was worrisome. “Hey…how much
trouble would you get into if I fucked with them a bit? Fight fire with fire so
to speak…”
“I was born, hyung, I’m always in trouble. It’ll give me a laugh though, so
have at it. I’ll even help.”
“Who’s here?”
“Mother Park. Bogum is interning but Jimin should be home.”
“Damn, only two of them…better than nothing I guess. Come with me. Let’s meet
their childishness with some of our own. Locking you in a shed…hyung will show
those dumb fucks.” He followed me over to the back door. “Do you have your
phone on you?”
“Nah, I have to keep it hidden so that they don’t take it from me.”
I took out mine and handed it over. “I’m about to show you some A1 level
acting, brat, so take notes. Stop recording once the door is opened, okay?
Um…how bad would you feel about me being mean to your stepmom?”
“She’s the worst of the lot and no one has really ever challenged her. Eomma
Yun got really close, but your dad stopped her.” Jungkook sighed in
disappointment. “I really wanted to see her get slapped. But don’t think of her
as a lady or someone who deserves respect. She’s a fucking monster. Do your
worst, hyung. Fighting!” he yelled with a supportive fist pump.
I nodded while smiling at the idiot. “Start it…” Once Jungkook started
recording, I went into actor mode. “Jungkook-ah?” I asked seriously.
“Yes, hyung.”
“Do you smell that?”
“Smell what?”
“I think I smell smoke.”
“Really?” He caught on quickly, the evil little shit, and theatrically sniffed
the air with the camera trained on his face. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t
want to give anything away. “Shit, hyung, I smell it too. Is it coming from
inside?” He recorded himself jiggling the doorknob. “I must’ve locked it by
mistake when I came outside earlier. Curse these locks! First, I get trapped in
the shed, now I’m locked out of the house. Oh, no! Mother Park is in there!
Jimin too! What should we do, Yoongi-hyung? Are they in danger?”
I pressed an ear to the door. “I think can hear her shouting. Stand back, kid!”
The door exploded open from the strength of my kick—I kicked the shit out of
it, a huge smile on my face as I did it. We rushed inside and Jungkook stopped
recording. “How was I?” I asked seriously.
“Better than I thought you’d be, actually,” he said, handing over my phone.
“Not too over the top. Pretty good, hyung.”
“I used to help Tae run lines all the time,” I said proudly. I ignored the
profound pain that arose in chest at saying his name; I had been away from him
for too long. Those voices started up in my head, but I made myself focus. I
couldn’t leave just yet. Soon… I told myself. He’s still there, he won’t leave.
You’ll see him soon. Man up. “I guess some of his talents rubbed off on me.” I
stored the phone safely in my pocket.“Evidence so they can’t say you did it.
Since they like kicking in doors so much, they shouldn’t mind too much. Right?”
“Right,” he agreed, grinning. We both inspected the door, its splintered
remains hanging pathetically from the top hinge. “Wow, hyung. Your legs are
super strong.”
“Nah, the door is cheap.” I looked around. “Now where would I find a bucket in
this place?”
“A bucket?”
“There’s a fire, idiot.”
“Oh, I’ll get it.” He grinned mischievously before running off…he was a good
kid.
This all happened in the span of a few minutes. I could hear movement upstairs
and when Jungkook made it back I hurried to fill the bucket in the sink.
“Wait, hyung. We need the smell.” He grabbed a roll of paper towels and headed
for the stove.
“Idiot, you don’t want a real fire, do you!”
“Of course not. I’m gonna put it in a pot. Once the burning smell is strong
I’ll put the lid on.” He got a huge pot and lid from a cabinet. He lit the roll
of paper towels and dropped it into the deep pot. Smoke filled the kitchen as
the fire raged; Jungkook walked around the lower level to let the smell spread.
He covered the pot after I started coughing, cutting off the oxygen supply and
effectively putting out the flames. “See, hyung?”
“You’re clever, brat.” He cheesed at the compliment. “Pour what’s left of it
onto the counter.” He emptied the scorched roll onto the counter and stored the
pot away. “We can say it was too close to the stove that somebody left on. Now
who would do such a stupid thing?” I asked grinning.
“I don’t know, hyung,” he answered with innocent, wide eyes. “You have to be
pretty fucking stupid to leave paper near a lit burner…and this house is chock
full of people who fit the bill. It could have been anybody. It wasn’t me
though because I got locked in the shed when someone put two huge bags of shit
in front of the door. I was lucky to get out in time to put the fire out.”
I shook with laughter. “Don’t do stupid shit like this without me, okay kid?”
“I won’t. I think Eomma was right about you being a bad influence.”
“We’re a family of bad influences. And don’t you dare tell Tae about this, he
wouldn’t like it at all.” And there was that feeling of loss again; I ignored
the urge to reach for my phone. “His punches have improved since we were young
and his fists are scary. This is just between us brothers, okay.” I held out a
fist and he beamed at me before bumping it. “Ready?” Jungkook nodded eagerly.
“Okay. Yell ‘fire’ brat. Scream bloody murder so they’ll come running.”
“FIRE, FIRE!” he screeched; I gave him an impressed nod. His acting had
improved.
He was still screaming when I pushed him behind me and I was struggling not to
laugh, holding the bucket at the ready. I waited…
I heard thunderous footfalls coming down the stairs and a panicked female voice
asking, “Is that smoke?” I waited.
As soon as heard her rounding the corner, I leaped out and threw the entire
bucket of water on her; she cried out from the shock. Jungkook totally lost it
at his unseeing stepmother stumbling and spluttering before slipping and
landing right on her bony butt. He fell to the floor clutching his stomach as
silent laughter overtook him.
“Oh, ma’am,” I said innocently with a hand to my chest. I helped her to her
feet and she must’ve still been shocked because she accepted it at first. She
struggled to push her dripping wet hair out of her eyes. “I smelled the smoke
and thought maybe you were on fire, too. Sorry about that.” I helped her over
into the dining room while she slapped at my hands. “Here, have a seat,” I said
pushing her into a chair. “I’ll be right back with a towel.”
Dying on the inside from my unexpressed laughter, I hurried back to position as
heavier steps rushed down the staircase. I heard a male voice this time
frantically calling out for his mother. Jungkook was doing better now but not
by much, amused tears leaking from his shining eyes. I heard his brother
running and though it was extremely childish, I couldn’t let the opportunity
pass me by again; that stupid fucking murse had only escaped because he
honestly did nothing wrong. Jimin had done lots wrong, so I had no qualms about
what I was about to do. I stuck out a foot and an inattentive, panicked Jimin
went flying as he tripped over it and landed right in the puddle. Poor Jungkook
lost it again as Jimin rolled a good four feet.
“Whoops…didn’t see you coming. My mistake.” I moved to help him up but he
batted my hands away after recognizing me. “My word, who would be dumb enough
to leave a burner on with paper towels right next to it?” I asked in mock
befuddlement.
“I…I don’t know hyung,” Jungkook said, trying desperately to hold in his
laughter. “It..wasn’t me because—” he giggled, “I-I somehow got locked in the
shed. It’s a good thing you stopped by when you did and got me out, otherwise
we never would have stopped it in time.”
“Luckily I smelled the smoke. Disaster averted…let’s get out of here, kid. I
have something for you in my car. Nice to meet you, Park family.” I bowed
deeply to them before grabbing Jungkook’s arm and strolling from the kitchen
like nothing had happened.
The two of us laughed like crazy once we were safely outside, leaning on the
car for support. “Hyung, that was brilliant! Ah, I wished I could have recorded
the water hitting her face. She’s going to be so mad, but it was worth it.” He
started giggling again. “And I’ll never forget the look on Jimin’s face when he
went flying. Shit, this has got to be one of the best days of my life. Thanks,
Yoongi hyung.”
“It was fun.”
“It was.” It took him a few minutes to calm down. “So…how’s Tae?” he asked
after sobering.
“Well, I talked him into going to the hospital and it’s one of the biggest
regrets of my life. The results were bad and I’m even more worried than I was
before; he’s unbothered. He’s supposed to be on bedrest but the idiot won’t
listen to me and keep still. He won’t acknowledge his condition because he’s
too caught up in making Kim Taesuk pay for what he did to you. And also…he
misses you. He wants to see you more than he wants to get better.” I didn’t
like having to say that out loud.
The kid started blushing and my jealousy flared. “He doesn’t miss me half as
much as I miss him. He’s trying to fix things, then?” I nodded and he grinned.
“That means I’ll get to see him soon. My hyung is a force when something sets
him off. Kim Taesuk should be worried.”
“I’m against it. I don't want him to take this on, not now.” That wiped the
smile right off his face. “Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against you,
brat, but his health is more important. Two ribs and his left hand are broken.
He has a concussion so he gets disoriented and dizzy easily. The lacerations on
his back got infected because they went untreated for so long, which is why his
fever won’t go away. He’s dehydrated and constipated. His face will heal
completely but it’s going to take at least three more weeks. He’s supposed to
be inactive on bedrest for the next week and it’s going to take six weeks or
more for everything to heal. He has a damn store-full of meds ranging from pain
pills to ointments to antibiotics and the doctors told him to do nothing other
than rest…” I sighed, “but he won’t listen because he’s putting you first. He’s
risking permanent damage to himself for you.”
Jungkook scowled. “I-I understand, hyung. I’m as upset as you are and I think
he’s being an absolute idiot.” He patted me on the shoulder. “Him resting is
more important than the bullshit I’m caught up in. If it helped him get healthy
I’d stay here permanently. I don’t care about what happens to me, as long as
he’s okay.”
“I told him you would be on my side. But he doesn’t give a damn about how I
feel, all he seems to care about is you. He loves you a lot…I heard him tell
you over the phone.” I laughed uncomfortably, noticing how insecure I sounded.
“He’s going to kill himself trying to save you.”
“I agree with you, but he won’t change his mind even if I asked him. Our
Taehyung is as stubborn as they come.”
“I know.” I sighed mournfully and then checked the time. There were still a few
minutes left until I could leave. “This visit was part of a compromise I made
with him, you know?” I chuckled, shaking my head. “Agreeing to check up on you
was the only way I could get him to stay in bed. He’s had meetings all day
trying to figure out a way to oust Kim Taesuk from the company, and he’s with
Detectives Wilson and Griffin in our suite right now working on getting the
charges against you dropped and he’s giving a statement against his
grandfather. I didn’t want to leave him, it’s too hard being away from him but
it didn’t matter. You take precedence…I came to prove to him that I love him so
much I could put you first, too. How fucked is that? I’m…” I couldn’t even
continue. I opened the car door and pulled out a big bag of snacks. “He told me
to bring you chocolate, but I thought that maybe you would want other stuff,
too. I grabbed a bunch of crap just in case.” I handed it over to him.
“Thanks.” He looked inside the bag, moving things around to see what was
inside. “Hyung…about me and Tae.” He pushed his cheek out with his tongue in
irritation. “Listen well. I won’t ever say this again because I don’t want you
to think for a second that I’m backing down. I love him too much to let him go
forever. I’m going to work on myself and get better with him as my goal. I want
him back and I’m going to fight hard no matter what, don’t ever question that…”
He was completely serious; I respected that he was honest about it. I wanted to
strangle him, but I respected him. “Taehyung made it clear that I don’t stand a
chance with him. He doesn’t see anyone else but you. The things he does for me,
the way he loves me…it’s not the same way I love him. He made it clear the
night we separated and then he told me again when he called early this morning.
He refuses to lead me on even though I want to be led. I want him to feed me
hope and I’m begging to be led, hyung, but he won’t do it because of you.” He
couldn’t meet my eyes. “He loves me a lot, more than I deserve, and if you had
never come back we would be together for sure, but I won’t ever be his first
choice.” He teared up. “Don’t fuck up your chance with him. Don’t suffocate
him, stop being insecure, stop treating him like he’s still fourteen and
fragile, stop blowing up over every little thing that you don’t like, and love
him properly. Tae told me never to wait because it’s painful, but I want you to
know that I’m waiting. One fuckup, that’s all you get and then I’ll take him. I
won’t play nice either. As your friend, your brother, and your enemy…I’m
telling you to get your shit together before you cheat yourself out of this
second chance. You’re lucky enough to have his devotion and an envious loser
like me wants nothing more than to see you fail. I wouldn’t have a reason to
wait if it weren’t for you. Do you understand what I’m saying, hyung?”
I understood completely. Hearing it from Tae had been one thing, but hearing it
from my competition was another. Both of them were right. Taehyung wasn’t the
problem in our relationship; it was me. I was the one ruining everything by
letting myself get in the way. If I lost Tae it would be because I let my
hangups stifle us. He was already set on me, so I had to pull myself together
if I wanted to hold on to him. “Yeah…I get it, kid.” The brat. Since when had
he gotten so smart? What I wouldn’t give to kick his teeth in…even though I
would probably be the one to drive him to the hospital right afterward. He was
a good kid and reminded me so much of myself that it was scary. “I recall
giving you a similar speech.”
“You did and you were absolutely right. It was too late for me though.
Actually, from the moment I met him, it was already too late. The sooner you
realize that the easier it’ll be for you, yeah?”
The front door to the house open and Mother Park stood there glaring at us.
“Ooh, I think she’s big mad, kid.”
He laughed. “Yeah. Whatever she has planned for me tonight won’t erase the
image of her catching that bucket of water to the face. She fell flat on her
ass, hyung. Flat!” He dissolved into giggles again. “Thanks for dropping by,
even though it was a forced visit. And tell Tae that…” The amused grin became
something softer…sadder. “Tell him how much I love him and that I miss him. I
want to see him, hyung. I really need to see him.” He hugged the bag tight to
him. “You have to realize that he knows what he can handle. What might seem
unbearable to us is easy for him after the things he went through. My hyung…he
is very strong. He’s unbreakable. So, support him as much as you can. And spoil
him however you can. No one deserves it more than him.”
“I will. I promise.” I held out my fist again and he bumped it. “Oh, and before
I forget…” I grabbed him without warning and hugged him tightly to my chest,
bag and all. “This was the last condition of the deal. A visit, burgers,
chocolate, and a hug…all from Tae. You better appreciate it because I’m never
hugging you again.”
“Asshole. Like I want a hug from you.” He squeezed me hard, intentionally
trying to hurt me, but I wasn’t going to complain first. I squeezed him back
even harder. “I’m imagining it’s him. It’s hard though because you’re so tiny.”
I stomped on his foot hard, still embracing him. “Stop imagining my husband,
delinquent.”
“Husband?” He scoffed, flexing to increase the strength of his hold. “Like I’m
going to let something like that happen. You’re not married yet, Dracula.”
“Might as well be.” He was too quiet. “You’d better not be picturing him,
fuckboy.”
“I am. He fits so perfectly in my arms…what are you going to do about it,
Grumpy? Get it? Grumpy, because he’s a dwarf…”
I pushed him away, unable to hold in a smile and trying very hard to avoid
saying something sappy. I really cared about the kid and did not want to leave
him here. Since I couldn't take him with me, I refused to make our goodbye a
sad one. “I hate you.”
“The feeling is mutual.” He smiled again. “Kiss him for me.”
I nodded. “I’ll call tonight and put the phone on speaker so you can talk to
him, okay?”
“Okay, hyung.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll get you out of here soon.”
“I’m not worried at all. I know the two of you won’t let me down.” He smiled
brightly. "And hyung...you really should trust Tae a little bit more. He's
stronger than you think."
I rolled my eyes. “Fuck you, roid rager.”
“Fuck you too, vamp king.”
                                     *****
I tapped my foot anxiously and let the plastic bag twist and untwist while the
elevator dicked around, taking its own sweet time to get to my floor. I felt
like the walls were pushing in on me; sweat dripped from my brow and I could
hardly breathe. When the doors opened I rushed out and broke into a dead
sprint. My keycard was already in hand and when I slipped it into the slot, the
LEDs did not light up. I was near tears at this point, but I kept my cool and
tried it again—it worked. I slipped into the suite, trying hard to get my
breathing under control as I made my way to the room.
I burst through the door and all three pairs of eyes—two and a half
actually—turned towards me; I focused on the half. “Tae…love.”
He smiled that lovely smile and held out his arms to me. “My Yogi.”
Me being the sap that I am, ran towards him and carefully jumped on the bed and
crawled into his lap. I didn’t worry whether his back hurt or his fever was
high; I didn’t care that we weren’t alone. I just wanted his hands on me. When
he hugged me it became easier to take in air. “It was too long. It’s been way
more than an hour; driving time should count, too. It’s unfair,” I scolded him.
I heard the detectives laughing but I didn’t care. The only person who mattered
was holding me. “Don’t ask me to go away for that long again. You shouldn’t be
so cruel to your loving husband.”
“We’ll work out the kinks later, my Yogi,” he murmured sweetly while rubbing
small circles into my back. “I missed you, too.” There was something in his
voice…something off. It was warm…cute…but there was something else there. I
stared at him, trying to figure out what was different. He stared right
back...oh. That.
“Ugh, I think this is the part where we leave,” Wilson muttered, hitting his
partner on the leg. “It’s sickening, isn’t it? This can't be the same bastard
that made me unholster my gun under the table. When did you go so soft?Have you
no shame Yoongi Min?” he called out.
“None whatsoever?” I buried my face in Tae’s shirt. “I’m whipped and I love it.
You wish you had a husband as good as mine,” I teased. Taehyung giggled and I
smiled into the side of his neck.
“No way in hell. Marriage is for losers who are too afraid to stand on their
own.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “We got everything we needed, we'll
link up with your lawyer tomorrow and after that, we’ll start building a case.”
“We’ll be in contact with the two of you soon and if we need anything we’ll
call, okay?”
“Thanks for everything detectives. I really appreciate your help.”
“No problem.” It sounded like Griffin that time. We’ll leave you two
to…whatever it is you’re about to get into.”
They both laughed and Taehyung’s whole body shook from the effort he put into
waving goodbye. It wasn’t until I heard the door slam shut that I attacked his
lips; he smiled into the kiss. “Never again, okay,” I admonished when I pulled
away. “At least not for that long. Driving time, errands, and stops count
towards the total from now on.”
He snorted while planting kisses on my neck. “Okay, hyung. How was Jungkookie?”
“How did he turn out so good with a family like that?” Taehyung shrugged his
shoulders in response and continued his to worship my neck. He unbuttoned my
collar for better access. “He’s…okay, but you were right. I don’t want him
there any longer than he has to be either. I’m glad you made me go to see him.
I think I’m going to drop by again tomorrow, maybe every day until he gets out
of there. The brat was good company.”
“Why didn’t he answer the door? Was something wrong?”
“He…” I was temporarily distracted by a tongue in my ear. “…the backyard. But I
found him there.” Maybe some things were better left unsaid. I hated that Tae
kept things from me, but maybe I should be a little more sympathetic. Maybe
there were things he thought I was better off not knowing. I definitely could
relate. “We ate…talked…laughed…made a video. It was nice.”
“Good,” he purred. “I’m glad you two are getting along.” Hands slid up my back
and he stole my tongue, wrestling it into submission.
“Hmmm…what’s with this mood?” Somehow my shirt slipped down past my shoulders,
but I didn’t remember it being unbuttoned all the way.
“I missed you.” He resumed working at the hollow of my throat then moved up to
the juncture of my neck. "Did he like..."
“Look, Jungkook is a good kid, but enough about him. Don’t talk about him while
you’re doing this to me.” Hot hands dug into my waist and held me in place as
he moved beneath me. “Oh…oh, Tae…that’s…okay. I see what you’re doing.”
“While you were gone I thought about what you said today...” his lips skittered
along my collarbone, “and I asked my lawyer about the name change, hyung. I can
make it happen quickly. I took my meds and I don’t feel any pain right now. I
rested all day just as you asked. So, that thing you promised…will you do it?”
I laughed loudly. “The name change isn’t necessary, love, not anymore. As a
matter of fact…” I grabbed the plastic bag and took out the contents. Inside
was a new phone—which he tossed aside—a bottle of lube—which he studied
considerably—and a box of condoms—which he launched it across the room while
frowning. “I’ve decided I’m not going to fight you so much. You know your body
best so just tell me from now on if anything hurts. We can do whatever you want
as long as you promise not to hide your condition from me.”
The kisses stopped. “Whatever I want?” he asked in an awed voice. His smile was
scary. “I have a high threshold for pain. If it’s something serious I’ll let
you know, but I don’t want you to fret over every little twinge. I like it when
you spoil me, but I don't want you to see me as someone you need to baby. I
need you to trust me.”
“I…I trust you, Tae.” He lit up at that. “I’m going to try to stop babying you.
It’ll be tough, but I have to come to terms with the fact that you’re not that
boy anymore. Even though that's how I still see you, you’re not fifteen year
old Kang Taehyung. I know you told me from the start that you changed, but I
guess I’ve been willfully ignoring it. I’ve been treating you the way I would
treat him, but you’re not him.”
“I’m not, but he’s still in here somewhere. He’s still a part of me.” He
resumed his kisses. “And he’s still very much in love with you. Every aspect of
me loves you.”
“I know,” I smiled as his fingers unbuttoned my pants. “As long as you promise
to tell me the truth I won’t stop you from doing what you want. I’m still too
afraid to hurt you so I won’t top until I’m comfortable. But we can do other
things until then…”
“Whatever I want…”
“Within reason, Tae.”
“No takebacks.” His smile was scary.
“Fuck.”
                                     *****
What in the hell kind of situation had I gotten myself into? My back felt raw.
I bet once he was done, a few layers of my skin would be permanently ingrained
in the wall. It was too good to stop though. I didn’t want him to ever stop.
“You’re okay?” I asked breathlessly as I bounced. “Y-y-your…shit, Tae. Your
ribs…”
“I only feel you, hyung,” he mumbled against my lips. “Nothing else, only you.”
A particularly powerful thrust made my teeth clink together and I decided to
close my mouth. I didn’t want to risk biting my tongue because I needed it for
later, according to Tae. I thought back to the day we reunited for real...when
he tried to fuck me against the wall, and I scolded the past me for stopping
it. Had I known it would feel like this…this was… “Tuh…Tae!” I screamed out. I
wanted to hold him tighter, but I was scared to hurt his damaged neck. I could
feel myself slipping out of his grip.
“Hold on to me, hyung,” he commanded in a tone so unTae-like that it scared me.
I gripped him tightly. “There…don’t let go of me.”
Since when was he so sexy? I threw my head back as he went for my throat again;
there was no way in hell I would be able to show it in public for at least a
few days. I whimpered as he rammed into me, clinging to him so that my soul
wouldn’t leave my body.
I suddenly felt like I was freefalling, the security of the wall at my back was
gone as the thrusts stopped and we floated to the other side of the room,
towards the huge window. When he pulled out and set me down I teared up a
little because I missed the feel of him inside me. He turned me around and used
his body to press my whole front onto the glass; it was so cold, a contrast to
the burning body behind me. He was so big, so larger than life that it made me
feel tiny. His massive hands slid down my sides and landed on my hips to hold
me in place. “Look…”
We weren’t that high up, but it was high enough to give us a good view of the
city's skyline. The sun blazed bright, fat and round as it greeted the horizon.
“It’s setting,” I whispered, though it was obvious. “It’s…pretty…beautiful…” My
head fell back against his shoulder. “Beautiful…”
“It is a pretty view, but I wanted you to see your reflection. look...” I
lifted my head to meet my twin. His blissed out eyes glimmered with unshed
tears while shiny, ebony locks spilled over his brow nearly covering them. His
creamy skin was flushed, cheeks so pink they looked colored in. He looked so
soft…soft and cherubic and peaceful. He didn't look like me. “I wish you could
see yourself the way I see you.” He tenderly kissed the top of my head. “Now
watch. Don’t close your eyes.” He pushed his way back in bit by bit and I
moaned loudly, pathetically…but I kept my eyes open. I saw the way my
reflection’s eyes flashed and his mouth formed a nearly perfect ‘o’ before
gleaming teeth bit down into lustful swollen lips. I saw arousal and bliss and
yearning and passion and heat…so many different things played across his
angelic face. It was a confusing sight to see; that person couldn’t be me. “See
how pretty you are?” he asked, setting a maddening, dragged out pace. It was
just enough to drive me crazy with want. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek,
I watched it happen in the window. “You’re so very pretty, Yogi-hyung.”
And then he sped up again. His fingers pressed into my hipbones painfully as he
drilled upward. I braced myself, letting my forehead rest on the coolness to
combat the flames licking away at my skin. I leaked so much on the pane that I
no longer felt friction, I sort of just flopped around in my own mess. It
didn’t matter. His pace was relentless and I was so full; it was good to the
point that I didn’t care about being touched. All I needed was this, nothing
else.
I lifted my head and saw our reflections again, this time focusing on my love.
He towered over me, eyes closed in concentration. He didn't look like he needed
me to take care of him. He didn’t look injured. He didn’t look hurt. He didn’t
look like he was in pain. Why had I worried so much before? Taehyung looked
content and invincible as he fucked into me and I felt nothing but fondness,
which was weird because how could fucking and fondness exist in the same realm?
Nevertheless, I smiled at the idyllic image we made together, thankful that I
could give him this moment.
After a particularly rough thrust that had me trying to claw through the glass,
his eyes flew open; there was something different about him. Within minutes his
whole persona had changed. Gone was the contentment and fondness I witnessed
only a few seconds ago. He stared at me hungrily, greedily. His eyes burned,
feral and jarring. Had he grown? He seemed bigger, stronger, and more menacing
for some reason as he loomed over me. His skin glowed; he looked almost godly.
Invincible. Immortal. I couldn't believe I had worried so much about possibly
hurting him. This Taehyung was untouchable.
How had I missed it? It was such a noticeable difference that I was embarrassed
not to have seen it before. This image I saw, this new person, he was who my
Taehyung grew into after leaving me; he was the Taehyung Jungkook knew. I
wanted desperately to know him better. Loving him would be easy because in
every way that mattered, he was still Tae. I had to learn how to accept him as
the man he was now instead of the boy he used to be. Reconciling the past with
the present was the only way to keep him. If I didn't assume control of my
fears and insecurities, my doubts and worries, I would miss out on the
unbelievable person he'd become. It was time for me to move on from the past so
we could have our future. It would be sad to say goodbye but in the end, I
would gain so much more from it.
His fingers traveled from my hips to the roundness of my ass and he squeezed
brutally before snapping his hips up sharply. I cried out in both pleasure and
pain. He did it again…and again…and again…and again until I screamed, finally
painting the skyline with my release as his teeth sunk into the softness of my
shoulder. Weak with exhaustion, I sagged against him; he held up my limp form
and kept going. He locked me to him with his left arm, the cast scraping
harshly against my skin as he bored into my body. His other hand slid up my
torso until it reached my throat. He firmly, yet gently held me to his chest as
he continued to ruin me.
I shut off my mind and let the flames of passion consume me, watching the new
Taehyung destroy what was left of the old Yoongi. When he finally came,
exploding so ferociously that I felt it in my chest, I felt reborn. I said my
final goodbye to Kang Taehyung and welcomed a new Min Yoongi.
***** The Truth Shall Set You Free *****
Chapter Summary
     Park Sungmin meets with two scary individuals and receives troubling
     information. Jungkook and his father finally talk.
Chapter Notes
     This is the last time I'll speak on it here.
     So, some of you may have guessed that last week I had another
     setback. I've been slowly recovering this whole time, trying my best
     to get past certain things, but I've been internalizing a lot. I felt
     rushed to get back to normal, you know, not by anyone here or
     anything like that...I just felt like I should feel better because
     everybody else did. So I buried things instead of dealing with them
     and little things turned into huge motherfucking things and I
     cracked. It happens. After my kids brought up a few concerns, I fled
     Savannah to go to my husband in Charlotte with their blessing. It
     took two days for me to empty myself of those things and by Friday I
     felt light and more like myself. I uploaded the chapter on Saturday,
     but I felt so bad for breaking my promise to you guys that I couldn't
     write anything in the notes. I felt like I didn't deserve to talk to
     you. I'm an idiot, I know, but that's just me. Sorry, lovelies. :-*
     But I'm back home now and after letting everything out, I'm really,
     really feeling better. It's not just words. I'm eating almost every
     day now. I got the most peaceful sleep ever. I put on actual clothes
     instead of my usual sweats and went out on my own. I'm
     healing...YAY!!!!
     And I'm putting all of those negative emotions into my writing...I
     started a Vhope fic that is going to be a tearjerker if anyone is
     interested. I was thinking of posting an excerpt on Twitter, but I
     might just post the first chapter this week if I don't talk myself
     out of it, hehehe. I'm not sure how it will be received but it's
     something that I feel I have to let out. So, if I don't chicken out,
     it'll be up soon.
     I'm working on the next chapter for Alone Together now and it'll be
     up as soon as it's done.
     MRoMHP is winding down. We're so close to end and I'm sad. :(
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Dr. Park, there are two gentlemen waiting for you in your office. They seem…”
she screwed up her face searching for the right word. “…unsavory? I have
security on standby in case anything goes wrong.”
“Not necessary, I’ve been expecting them. This might be a good time for you to
take a break.” She stared at him worriedly, unmoving. “I wasn’t asking. Take a
break. Now.” She arose from her seat, still stressed, but she finally grabbed
her purse from a drawer and took off. He called security and told them that his
guests were invited so there was no need for an alert. After hanging up, he
slowly rubbed his temple to help alleviate an oncoming headache. He was
overworked and stressed, but this meeting was not one he could ignore. If it
was about Jungkook he had to listen. He unbuttoned his lab coat as he walked
into the office and closed the door behind him. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”
He observed the two men who rudely remained seated when he walked in. They held
hands, both sizing him up and both seemingly unimpressed. How was it that they
made him feel unwelcome in his own office?
One of them was small and fair, his dark hair and black eyes making his skin
glow from the extreme contrast. There were purplish marks littering his body,
one even on the apple his cheek. He wore a scowl that seemed permanent and the
hand that wasn’t locked with the other’s gripped the arm of his chair—as if he
were holding himself back. From doing what, Sungmin had no idea…but he knew for
certain he didn’t want to find out.
The other was darker, golden skin gleaming in the sunlight filtering in through
the huge windows. Long and lanky, his face was a nightmare of yellows, greens,
and faded violets. One eye was damaged, it looked like it had been closed
recently but was in the process of healing. His red hair burned brightly on his
head and Sungmin could tell that underneath those horrific injuries was a very
handsome man. As tense as the man next to him, this one was calm. He seemed
undisturbed, unshaken, unbothered…for some reason this scared Sungmin. They
were both menacing and powerful, but this one smiled a smile that made him want
to run out of the office. There was something about him that screamed trouble.
He walked around and took a seat behind his desk. “Sorry to keep the two of you
waiting. I had a patient.”
“No trouble whatsoever, Park Sungmin,” the tall one said. “Introductions are in
order, I guess. I am Kim Taehyung and this is Min Yoongi.”
“Pleasure to meet you both. On the phone, you said you were friends with my son
and that you had something important to discuss.”
“At one point, he and I were something more than friends actually.” He smiled
again and even though his face was an utter mess, it lit the whole room. “We’ve
lived together for almost two years now and I am his very best friend; the
person he loves the most. Yoongi here is like a brother to him.” Yoongi grunted
his assent. “We’ve come to you out of concern for his safety.”
“I’m confused. Taehyung Kim…grandson of Taesuk Kim? Why are you concerned for
his safety when you are the one who had him arrested?”
Yoongi scoffed. “Why aren’t you concerned for his safety when you are his
father?”
“I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed, Sungmin,” Taehyung interjected. “I would
never do anything to harm Jungkook. I love him very much. In fact, I’m
extremely protective of him and since my Yoongi is extremely protective of me,
we both came to discuss Jungkook’s recent and past treatment in your home.”
“I’m not sure any of that is your concern. What happens in my household is my
business and that of my family.”
“Jungkook is my family which makes you my family, therefore, it is my
business.”
"And because Taehyung is my family, Jungkook is also by extension my family,"
Yoongi added. "And since I witnessed first-fucking-hand what's happening in
your home, it is very much my business."
“I’m not sure I want either of you as my family.”
Taehyung laughed and looked at the man sitting next to him as if to say, Do you
believe this guy? But when he turned back towards Sungmin, there was no mirth.
His face was grave, eyes dark. “Unfortunately, you don’t have a choice. The
moment you went out of your way to make sure he was imprisoned in your home,
you invited me into your life. And since you are the head of your household,
you’ll have to face the consequences for the actions of other members of your
family.”
“Consequences? What in the hell are you on about? What actions have my family
done—"
“What actions?!?” he yelled. He stood and moved forward slowly and the sheer
power radiating from his form had Sungmin pushing back in his chair. “I’ve
heard many troubling things…things that I’m hoping aren’t true. And though most
it is secondhand information, my sources are very reliable. Starving him,
hitting him, yelling at him, hurting him, demeaning him, fucking with his
head...torturing him.”
“I’m not sure where you’re getting your information, but...” Sungmin huffed,
but was interrupted by an angry Taehyung.
“Just yesterday he was locked in a storage shed for hours and couldn’t
breathe…” he shook his head in disbelief. “My Jungkook, gasping for air that
wasn’t there and sweating in a hotbox thanks to members of his own family.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Sure, they pull harmless
pranks and hassle him from time to time, but nothing as serious as what you’re
suggesting.”
“Glass in his food is harmless? Holding him down and beating him is harmless?
Berating him and making him feel like he’s worthless is harmless? I’m afraid
you and I have two completely different definitions of the word.” Taehyung
chuckled. “I don’t give a damn whether you believe it’s ridiculous or not. It
happened. By allowing such a heinous thing to continue in your home, you’ve
forced my hand.”
“Is this true? The things you are saying, did they really do this to him?” His
eyes were wild and leaking tears. “I swear I had no idea! I didn’t know.”
“No, what you didn’t know Park Sungmin is that Jungkook is mine. He and I are…”
he took a calming breath. “Other than Min Yoongi, he is the most important
person in this world. He is my light, he is my life. So, after hearing what has
been going on in your house, I had to step in because I can’t let anyone get
away with hurting him. Nothing or no one can touch him as long as I draw breath
so I came running here as soon as I found out. As head of the household…” he
swept everything from the desk, computer and all, onto the floor in one swipe.
“You’re going to pay for the sins of the family you refuse to keep in check.”
“It’s not that I refuse, but that I was unaware!”
Taehyung ignored his protestations. “While you yourself haven’t done anything
to him since he’s been there, you’ve allowed their antics to continue and I
won’t allow it. You’re going to learn today what it means to hurt someone I
love, Sungmin. And hopefully when I’m done…” his smile was both beautiful and
terrifying, “you’ll know very well what it means to damage what is mine. Maybe
you’ll get your family under control then.”
“Tae…” Yoongi called softly. He sat stiffly, still gripping the arm of his
chair. “Carefully, yeah?”
“Don’t worry, Yogi-hyung. I’ve never felt better.” He tossed the wooden desk
aside like it was nothing and closed in on the older man.
In a panic, Sungmin pushed his chair back until it slammed into and rebounded
from the wall. He held out his hands defensively. “Look, Taehyung. I had no
idea that something like that was going on. Jungkook never complained, not
once.”
“Why would he when you’ve conditioned him to accept it as something normal? But
what’s worse is that he shouldn’t have to complain for you to know what they
were up to. He didn’t complain to me either, but I found out didn’t I?” he
asked as he stalked towards Sungmin. “I cared enough to ask after him and
that’s all it took to find out that this was going on in your house.” He bent
over the older man and grabbed him by his shirt. “For what you allowed them to
do, I’m going to break every finger on both of your hands and then I’m going to
bash your face in with my cast. It’s not enough to make up for how Jungkook has
suffered, but maybe it will motivate you to take charge of your household.”
He spluttered, “Th-this is my place of business. Your behavior is inappropriate
and…”
“Oh, so now you’re the expert on inappropriate behavior? You weren’t for the
eighteen years Jungkook spent in that hellhole you call a house, suffering
alone. You weren’t for the last few days when your family went out of their way
to make him miserable just for existing. You weren’t two minutes ago when I
explained to you what has been happening right under your nose and you denied
it without even trying to see the truth. Inappropriate? I think the concept is
lost on you, as is the meaning of ‘harmless’. You invited him there knowing how
your family would treat him, which makes this whole situation your fault.”
“I invited him there because I wanted to make amends!” the old man yelled.
Taehyung stilled and let go of his shirt; the man collapsed into his chair.
“That’s the truth. These last four years…” fat tears rolled down his cheeks.
“It was hell not knowing where he was or how he was doing. If he was safe…if he
was dead. His entire life I pushed him to be better, to be the best. His
mother…” he started weeping. “She was the love of my life. I just wanted him to
be someone she would be proud of. There’s so much of her in him…so much good…I
just…” He covered his face with his hands. “Her dreams for him, we had so many
plans for his future…she wanted him to be a doctor like me. We both wanted him
to marry and have children, build a huge family to continue the love she and I
shared. I just wanted to give her that; I wanted to hold on to that love. At
times I was harsh and cruel, I know that, but I wanted to see our dreams come
true. Is that such a bad thing?” He looked up at Taehyung with tear-filled
eyes. “I was so angry that the future we planned for him was ruined and lost my
temper. Then afterward, I called him and said some pretty horrible things.
After I hung up, I had his phone shut off. It took fifteen minutes after that
for me to regret everything. Fifteen. That’s all it took for him to disappear
from my life. I searched everywhere. I didn’t sleep for days trying to find
him. The police wouldn’t do anything because he was already eighteen and
legally an adult. It didn’t help that I was the one to kick him out.”
“And you’re telling me all of this, why? It doesn’t change the behavior of your
family!” Taehyung yelled. “It changes nothing. In fact, it makes me angrier
because if you really loved him, you wouldn’t have treated him the way you did.
Seems like there are a lot of words whose meanings are lost on you. It’s no
wonder he has trouble accepting love when he had a teacher as shitty as you.”
He nodded sadly. “It took losing him to recognize my mistakes. I wanted to fix
our relationship, to repair all the damage I caused him. I put my other sons in
charge of finding him and they hired detectives, but never turned up anything.
When he showed up at one of the hospitals I operate in, a colleague called me
and I jumped on the opportunity to right my wrongs. I talked to the police and
volunteered my home since they said he couldn’t return to his own. You have to
understand, I’ve been waiting so long to get him back that I would never do
anything to hurt him.”
“But your family…”
“I was unaware it was this bad. I knew about the sibling rivalry and I know my
wife still holds animosity over the affair, but I never thought they went that
far. Brothers fight, so I thought it was no big deal. And my wife has taken
care of him since birth, so I never thought she would harm him. He never
complained. Whatever they’ve been doing, it’s been done quietly behind my
back.” He childishly wiped his face with his sleeve.
“But don’t you think that maybe your treatment of him played a part in how they
view him? Your methods of punishing him for his failures; by being so harsh and
cruel, you’ve given them permission to do as they please. You set the example
and they’re doing their best to live up to it. What about that?”
“God, that wasn’t my intention! My only goal has been to make him strong enough
to withstand anything. Success and happiness, that’s all I ever wanted for
him.”
“You’ve failed miserably, Park Sungmin. As a father, as a parent…as the person
who should have protected him and provided for him from birth, you are an utter
failure.”
“I know,” he admitted. “My guilt has kept me away from the house. The entire
time he’s been gone I couldn’t go there because his absence was unbearable. But
now that he’s back I don’t know how to approach him. I noticed that my family
were up to their tricks and I tried to help, but most of the time I’ve been
hiding. For four years I’ve been hiding so I really didn’t know that it went
beyond harmless pranks. Now that I know, I will fix it. If he’ll let me, I’m
willing to try and make things right.”
Taehyung turned and looked at Yoongi, who had finally relaxed his grip. “Yogi-
hyung, what do you think?”
“His cowardice as an excuse for the events happening in his home is bullshit.
The things they’ve been doing these last few days, throughout his life, I have
no sympathy for them. While he may not have known everything, he had an idea
and he didn’t do shit to stop it. I don’t give a damn about him or his fucked-
up family and I wouldn’t mind making them suffer every day for the rest of
their lives for what they’ve done. But love, I believe he’s telling the truth
about the rest of it. About his feelings for Jungkook’s mother and his love for
Jungkook, I think he’s being honest. It’s up to him and Jungkook whether that
gets fixed and we shouldn’t interfere. But that’s just my thoughts on it. Do as
you wish, I won't interfere unless he touches you.”
"You think I would just sit here and take a beating without fighting back?"
Sungmin asked, but he was ignored.
“If he means well…if he truly loves Jungkook, I have no choice but to forgive
him. I have to give them a chance. If Jungkook can have another person who
loves him…” He turned his attention back to the wet-faced lump of a man sobbing
in his seat. “If you truly want to make amends with my Jungkook, I suggest you
correct the behavior of your family. Then you need to have a long talk with him
about why you did the things you did and your feelings for his mom. His whole
life was ruined because of the pressure you put on him to be who you wanted him
to be. You better let him know that he is perfect as is and you’ll love him no
matter what he does. If I have to come back here again, I won’t waste time
talking. I won’t listen to your bullshit explanations or get taken in by
another sob story. I will make you hurt. I will make your whole family hurt.
You won’t get another chance like this so I hope you’ve heard me well.”
“I have. I’ve heard you and I apologize for the part I've played in this mess.
I never intended to hurt my son.”
“Don’t apologize to me, your words mean nothing to me. Apologize to him and
make it meaningful. Maybe he can finally heal and get past his insecurities and
self-worth issues. I’m going to warn you once more…don’t make it so that I have
to come back here again. It won’t go this nicely if there’s a next time. Do you
believe me?”
“Yes…I do. I believe you.”
“Good. Hyung…” he called, holding out his hand. The shorter of the two stood up
and stretched as if he were just relaxing there the entire time. Then he
leisurely walked up and grabbed the extended hand. “The next time we meet, I
hope it’s as two people who genuinely love Jungkook and are amicable. Not as
adversaries. I’m sorry about your desk, but my anger…” he laughed and shrugged.
“It couldn’t be helped. Have a good day, Sungmin.”
They left the man weeping alone in his ransacked office, closing the door
behind them.
The two made their way to the elevator, sticking close together as usual. When
they climbed aboard, they ignored the other passengers and made their way to
the back. Yoongi wrapped a shaky Taehyung in his arms and kissed his cheek. “I
know it was hard for you, but you did well, sweetheart.”
“I wanted to kill him, hyung. I really wanted to kill him,” he whispered, arms
locked around Yoongi’s waist. “Harmless? Does he even realize how fucked up and
warped they all are? How is it possible that he didn’t know how much Jungkook
suffered there?”
“I know and I agree. But he’s only human, love.”
“If he was lying...if he allows Jungkook to get hurt more I won’t hold myself
back.”
“I don’t expect you to…I would do the same for you. I understand and I’ll help
you. I’m far less forgiving than you are, Tae, and hearing his story wasn’t
enough to make me not want to murder the whole lot of them. Seeing his
condition after I let Jungkook out of that shed has me wanting to fuck up the
whole family.”
“Sometimes I wish I were a little less forgiving. I wish I could hold grudges
and hate more.”
“I’ve been wishing the same thing since you were in elementary school, even
more so since I met Jeon Jungkook.” He chuckled and gave the younger a squeeze.
“But your forgiving nature, your heart, it’s one of the things I love most
about you. What you did in there, giving him the chance to prove himself, it
was such a Taehyung thing to do. I’m proud of you, love.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. Although, there was one part that pissed me off.”
“What?”
“You introduced me as just Min Yoongi. Why not my husband, Min Yoongi? Or my
lover, Min Yoongi. Even when he talked about Jungkook’s mom and mentioned how
she was the love of his life, you could have mentioned how I was yours, too.”
He gently pinched Taehyung’s chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Ah, Min
Taehyung…I’m feeling very neglected today.”
“Are you?” Taehyung asked with a brow raised. He noticed a man in the corner
leering at him and thinking of his injuries, he buried his face in his hyung’s
neck. Yoongi followed his line of sight and upon seeing that they were being
observed, flipped the guy off. “At the time I believed him to be homophobic,
but now I'm not so sure. I didn’t care about what he said to me but had he said
something derogatory towards you, I wouldn’t have thought twice about ending
him then and there.” He lifted his head when the elevator ground to a halt and
took Yoongi’s hand as they exited. “Did it really bother you, my Yogi?”
“Yes. You have to make it up to me in some way.”
“Name it.”
Yoongi hummed as they made their way through the lobby, deep in thought. By the
time they made it to the car and he made sure Tae was buckled in tight, he had
a request in mind. He climbed into the driver’s side and said, “Meditate with
me? It’s been a while and if I’m being honest, I’m starting to unravel a bit.
Too much stress.” He saw Taehyung frown and look out of the window. “And it’s
not your fault, so don’t even think it. It’s a part of my illness, my anxiety.
I’m working on not worrying and trusting you more, but it’s not going to just
happen because I want it. I have to work at it, love. Meditation has been very
helpful in keeping me centered and calm. And while I usually isolate myself in
darkness to get the best effect, I don’t want to be alone this time. Just
knowing that I can reach out and touch you will help.”
Taehyung stared out the window. “Are you done?”
“I guess so.” Yoongi put on his own belt and started the car.
“Why did you go on and on with that long explanation?” Taehyung asked quietly.
“All it takes is, Taehyung will you meditate with me? And then I’ll go, Yes,
hyung. Whatever you need, whatever you want.”
Yoongi looked over to find his dongsaeng beaming. “It’s that easy? I ask you
for something and you’ll give it freely?”
He nodded cutely. The varying hues of his face couldn’t hide the red creeping
across his cheeks. “It’s that simple. I feel special that you want to include
me in your process, that you’re willing to share something so personal with
me.”
“Fuck! You’re the cutest. I love you, hubby.” He grinned while leaning across
the armrest and pulled Taehyung in for an uncomfortable—due to their
position—kiss. Their foreheads met and Yoongi sighed happily. “If it's really
that simple, Taehyung, will you marry me?”
Taehyung scoffed. “Not all things are that easy, hyung. You’re going to have to
do a lot better than that.” He kissed a now pouting Yoongi, before giggling.
“But I still I love you, hyung.”
Yoongi sank back into his seat, pretending to fume. “Sometimes I hate you."
"Why would you want to marry someone you hate? I wouldn't want to put you
through that. I'll never say yes now."
"Shit." He buckled himself in. "You're a monster, Kim Taehyung."
It was Taehyung's turn to pout. "You're so mean to me."
Yoongi exhaled in frustration. "Luckily, I have a thing for cute monsters. If
you stop pouting I'll buy you ice cream."
Taehyung smiled brightly at him. "Too easy," he said shaking his head.
                                     *****
It was my own fault for trying to follow the rules of the house and not wear
shoes. It was stupid of me to not even consider that they would stoop this low.
I sat on the kitchen floor leaking blood, trying to pull out a particularly
thick embedded chunk of glass. Served me right after the stunt Yoongi and I
pulled yesterday; of course, they wouldn’t let me get away with something like
that. I chuckled to myself as I pictured Jimin splayed in the puddle of water.
I looked at my glass-filled foot and thought, Still worth it.
I had been distracted by the phone, Eomma Yun begging me to plead with Mr. Min
to allow her to come back to visit. As much as I wanted to see her…as much as I
would have loved to see her go another round with Mother Park, it was a bad
idea. If Mother Park got upset and called the police, then Eomma would get in
trouble right along with me. As much as I loved her, I didn’t trust her enough
to maintain her cool. Mother Park would intentionally push her until she
snapped and then play the victim. It was her MO. I wouldn’t let anyone I loved
fall victim to her shit.
I was in the middle of trying to explain my position on the matter when I
stepped right into a pile of broken glass. I bit my lip hard as I fell trying
not to cry out because I didn’t want Eomma Yun to hear. I rushed her off the
line, tears streaming down my face from the pain. The most important part was
that I had kept quiet; those bastards wouldn’t get the satisfaction of hearing
me suffer. I wiped the tears from my eyes and made my way to a corner safe away
from the glass and sat, leaving a trail of blood splatters on the floor.
Mother Park came a few minutes later, smiling when she saw me on the floor.
“Oh, I meant to tell you to be careful. I had an accident while doing the
dishes earlier and dropped some glasses. You should pay closer attention to
where you’re walking.” She left quickly and came back with a dustpan and a
bucket. “I can’t seem to find a broom, but pick up that glass so that no one
else has the misfortune of stepping on it. And then clean up the mess you made
by bleeding on my floor.” And she’d left the room, smug and happy. Bitch.
While trying to wiggle the shard out, I heard a door slam and rushed footsteps.
I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, preparing for whatever bullshit they
planned to do to me now. I could face anything. Tae was working on getting me
out of here which meant I was as good as sprung. I would tolerate it all
because soon I would be back with him and I could forget that I ever came back
to this cesspool. I would block it from my memory and focus on my real family.
Tae and my new family, that was all that mattered.
“Jungkook?” Hearing my father calling for me was strange enough, but at this
time of day when I’d heard him leave out earlier in the morning was weird. He
never came home for lunch, choosing to spend as much time outside of the house
as possible. He was lucky to have that luxury.
“Sir?” I called out. I heard him rushing and before he rounded the corner I
said, “Be careful, there’s broken glass on the floor.” He came into view still
in his lab coat, face flushed and out of breath. “Hello, Father,” I greeted him
politely, still soaring at the thought of being free soon.
“What are you doing home?”
“I came to check on you. What happened?”
“Mother Park. She dropped some glasses but forgot to tell me. She remembered
right after I stepped on it, so now I’m trying to stop the bleeding so I can
clean it up like she said. It’s too bad the broom went missing and I have to
use my hand, right? I guess I should count myself lucky that it didn’t find its
way into my food…though I haven’t had lunch yet.” I laughed. “Come to think of
it, I might have to skip meals for the next few days.” I saw the muscle in his
jaw twitch, but I went back to wiggling the glass lodged in my foot.
“Don’t do that, let me…” he rushed over to my side and dropped his bag as he
knelt in front of me.
“No. I’m fine.”
“You don’t want to risk doing permanent damage to a nerve or blood vessel…” he
reached for my foot.
“Don’t touch me!” I protected it with my hands. What kind of game was he
playing here? Did he want to push it in deeper or something? “I don’t need your
help, I said I’m fine.”
“Jungkook…” he sighed. “I’m only trying to help.”
“Why? What’s going on with you? Why are you playing games with me? Talking to
me and buying me cereal and making sure I could sleep…now you’re trying to take
care of my injury. What are you setting me up for, Father? Whatever it is, do
it now so that I don’t have to wonder. You being semi-nice to me is bad as is,
just end it so that this can stop.”
“Have I been so bad to you that you can’t trust that I want to make sure you’re
okay?”
“Yes. Maybe you’ve forgotten the beatings and insults and punishments, but I
remember every single one. I remember everything. I don’t trust you, not in the
slightest.”
He frowned and stared down at his lap. “If I told you that I just met with Kim
Taehyung and had him put me in my place, would you trust me then?”
The fight just whooshed out of me. “You saw Tae? Is he…” I tried to control my
emotions. “Is he okay? Were his injuries bad?” I hit the floor with my fist.
“Why did you get to see him when I can’t? How is that fair? What did you do to
earn the right to even be in the same room as him?”
“Apparently I’ve done everything and nothing all at once. I’m sure that the
kind of visit he had with me is something you wouldn’t want.” He tried to
conceal a shudder, but I saw it. Taehyung must’ve gone into no-nonsense mode. I
had only witnessed it a few times myself, but it was truly scary to see. “He
told me things that I didn’t know and made me realize some things about myself
and our family. He’s…” he laughed uncomfortably. “How exactly did a string bean
like that scare the shit out of me? And the other one, the pale one…he had me
on edge, too. What kind of friends did you make when you left, Jungkook?”
I smiled when I thought of the two of them standing up for me. “The best kind,”
I said proudly.
“I don’t doubt that. Kim Taehyung, he cares very much for you. He told me you
were his light.”
I blushed. “We’re each others’ light. Life was a dark place for both of us
until we found each other. He’s everything to me.”
“Is he your…are you two…”
“No. Almost…” I answered sadly. “The timing was off, but I’m not giving up on
him. I love him too much to let him go. Maybe in the future when I’m a better
me, I can make him see reason.”
“Is he a good person? His appearance is…I didn’t like the look of him.”
I smiled thinking of Tae. He was my favorite subject, so of course, I couldn’t
resist gushing about him. “His story is the saddest I've ever heard. He
suffered a lot, but somehow it made him stronger. His heart is the purest most
beautiful thing I've ever seen." Love filled me up and laced my words. "My
Taehyung is something better than good. He saved my life more than once and
he’s super protective of me. He took me in off the streets, found me jobs,
encouraged me to go to college, and got me involved in counseling to deal with
my issues. When we first met, I was lost; he helped me get back on track. He’s
sweet and kind and gentle and affectionate...he spoils me like crazy. I have a
whole new family of people who love me because of him. Kim Taehyung is my whole
world. He’s far better than just good.”
“Oh.” He poked his cheek out with his tongue. “He just seemed a bit…rough.
Wild.”
“My Tae, rough and wild?” I laughed. “He’s a fluffball who still sleeps with
stuffed animals and loves cartoons and cuddling. And he’s a real, honest-to-God
genius. And he helps run a corporation, he’s been acting CEO for a while. He’s
an angel unless you...” I trailed off and studied my father’s face. I
remembered that he and I didn’t have this kind of relationship where we could
talk about my romantic interests and I could brag about the person I loved. We
weren’t close. He hated me and he was my enemy. I closed up. “I told him
everything about growing up here. He probably sees you as a threat to me. He
wouldn’t have shown you the side of himself that I get to see.”
“Let’s just say he didn’t give me much of a choice but to come here and try to
correct some things and clear up some misunderstandings. If I don’t, he
promised to visit me again. Even though his threat isn’t the only reason I
rushed over, I really don’t want that.” He held out his palm. “Please, let me
start by looking at your foot. Please.”
I couldn’t deny the sincerity in his eyes. And if Tae was involved I didn’t
have anything to worry about. I extended my leg out toward him. He tenderly
held my foot and inspected the damage. I saw a softness in him as he worked
that I had never seen in my entire life. “Is it bad?” I asked.
“Yes, but you’ll be fine once I get it all out.” He stood up and held out a
hand. “C’mon.” I didn’t want to touch him, but I wanted the glass out of my
foot. I took his hand and he tugged me to my feet. He turned his back to me.
“Jump on, I’ll carry you.”
“Fu…” I started to say fuck no but caught myself. “I mean no, thank you. I
don’t like being touched by people I’m not close to.”
“You can’t walk on it. If dirt gets into the cuts you could get an infection.”
“I scrubbed these floors by hand the other day, there’s no dirt anywhere.”
“You did what?” He frowned deeply. “Nevermind, we’ll deal with that later. Just
climb on. Glass has a way of traveling and if you get glass in your other foot,
it’ll be bad. Please, don’t fight me. Let me take care of you for once…I’ve
been such a failure at it for so long.”
He looked so remorseful that I felt bad for doubting him. I tried to gauge if
he would even be able to carry me as old as he was, but we were built similarly
so I hopped up on his back. He locked my legs in place and bounced so that I
scooted up a bit. I couldn’t resist burying my face in the back of his neck; it
was the closest I had ever felt to my father. He carried me to his den and
helped me lie on the sofa before hurrying off to grab supplies and wash his
hands. When he returned it was with peroxide, alcohol pads, tweezers, gauze,
medical tape, a towel, and a dish. He wore gloves. “Will it hurt?” I asked,
eyeing his stash.
“I’ll be as gentle as possible. The alcohol might sting at the end, but the
rest won’t be so bad.” He laid the towel across his lap and opened the peroxide
bottle, letting it stream down my foot. “It doesn’t burn, it’s just to sanitize
your foot. Also, it will bubble up in the cuts and let me know where to check
for glass.”
“Okay.”
“I’m going to start now. Try to keep still.” He went to work, diligently
searching for and removing glass slivers and dropping them into the dish. I
thought he had forgotten that I was there when he asked, “Has it been as bad
here as I heard? All of that…starving you, hitting you, making you cry…so many
other things. Has that really been happening?”
“My hyung doesn’t lie.”
“He seemed to be trustworthy but I’m asking you. Has things like this really
gone on under my roof?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“I thought you knew but didn’t care.”
“He said that it’s been going on for eighteen years…the whole time we lived
together as a family, they’ve been this way?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And you held it in the entire time, never complained?”
“No, sir.”
He stopped and met my gaze. “You know you don’t have to be so formal with me.
You can call me Dad or even Appa sometimes.”
“I’m only doing what you taught me, Father.”
“Jungkook…” He sighed and then lowered his head, going back to work. “I guess
there was no need to try and make you strong after all. It was already in you.”
I looked away from him, hearing the random clinks of glass dropping into the
dish. “Making you kneel on rice, hitting you with a spoon, beatings and
slaps…things like that were common punishments when I was a kid. It’s how my
father raised me and his father raised him; maybe I should have explained that
to you. They were corrections to cultivate certain behaviors. But I guess here
in the U.S. where things like that are uncommon, it would seem very much like
abuse. Especially to a kid who doesn’t know any better. It never occurred to me
that you thought it was abuse. I just assumed you knew. That’s my mistake,
son.”
I glared at him. “It is abuse. What you did to me…those things are wrong.”
“I realize that now, but you have to understand I saw it as something normal.
It is a cultural norm to be strict on children. It’s a cultural norm to
disregard mental health. It's a cultural norm to push for perfection. It’s a
cultural norm to hate homosexuality. It’s how I was raised. That doesn’t make
how I treated you okay, but I hope you understand why I didn’t know that what I
was doing was wrong. I do now, though and I hate myself for it.”
“But…” I didn’t know what to say. “You hate me. You’ve hated me for as long as
I could remember. Why are you saying these things?”
“Hate you? If anything I loved you too much, Jungkook. I love you too much,
even now.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe that. You beat me and tossed me
out because I couldn’t be who you wanted me to be. You made my life hell. After
everything you’ve done, I could never believe that you loved me.”
“I understand that it’s hard for you to hear and even harder for you to trust
me. I don’t expect you to leap into my arms and hug me, but I’m telling you the
truth. I didn’t intend to do so, but I abused you. The reason I’m trying to
explain my actions is that I want you to know that I’ve played no part in what
the things that have been happening to you. The things that Dohui, Jimin, and
Bogum have been doing are abuse, too, but theirs is intentional.”
“Intentional, unintentional…does it really matter? It doesn’t change what
happened. It doesn’t erase the shit I went through! You broke me…all of you
broke me. You ruined me and made me unlovable and stamped out anything good I
had inside. I’m worthless now. I don’t deserve anything…I’m nothing.”
“Son, don’t say things like that. None of that is true! I knew that your
brothers picked on you, but I thought it was merely sibling rivalry. I thought
Dohui would treat you as one of her own since she helped raise you since right
after your birth, but I guess I expected too much from her. It was never my
intent to do any harm to you. But your Taehyung made me realize today that the
way I treated you made them think it was okay to do as they pleased. They were
mistaken. I do not approve of their behavior and had I known what they were up
to, I would have stopped it sooner. I’m sorry, Jungkook. I’m so sorry, son, I
didn’t want this to happen to you.” He started crying then and it caught me off
guard.
I burst into tears. Ugly, heavy sobs poured out of me and I just couldn’t stop.
If this was another way to hurt me, if this were some kind of trick to lure me
in and crush me more, it would work. He would win because I wanted it to be
true. I wanted this to be real. “It’s a lie. You want me to let my guard down,
don’t you? You found out about Tae, you know he’s the only way you can really
hurt me, right? You’re going to use him to hurt me, aren’t you?” I cried.
“Don’t do that, please. He’s the only good thing I ever had, don’t ruin that.
It’s cruel…I won’t survive it.”
“I’m not. I’m glad you met someone like him, someone who could show you what
love looks like. I failed you as a father, Jungkook. You’ll never know how much
it hurts me to see how much pain I’ve caused you, even if it was unintentional.
I’ll never be able to make it up to you, I can’t erase the past. But I can try
to fix the present so that we can have a future. I love you, son. I love you
more than anything in this world, and I know it’s wrong because I have two
other sons and a wife who I'm supposed to love equally. It’s wrong, but I don’t
care. You’ve always been the very best part of me, Jungkook, and maybe I was
too obvious. Maybe that’s why they treat you the way they do because they can
see it.”
“It doesn’t make sense. You never punished them. You never yelled at them. You
let all of them do as they pleased but tortured me. You pushed me to be perfect
and anytime I missed the mark, no matter the margin of error, the punishment
was swift and harsh. How is that loving me more?”
“It’s a horrible thing to say out loud, but I won’t lie to you. The truth is
that I didn’t care enough to punish them or yell at them; they had a mother for
that. Sure, now that I’m older and have the luxury of hindsight, I can see that
I was a shit father to them as well. I focused all my time and attention on
you. I was stricter on your, harsher with you, harder on you because I expected
the most from you. I know now that I was wrong, but back then I didn’t know any
better. I thought my actions would help you grow into something great, but…I
let you down, didn’t I?”
“You honestly didn’t know what they were doing to me? This whole time you had
no idea?” I asked through my tears. “Ah-all of the things I s-suffered
through…y-you were clueless?”
“I wouldn’t say clueless. I knew you guys fought and I knew Dohui showed
favoritism to her own children, but I didn’t know it went so far. This house
holds bad memories for me so it’s hard for me to stay here long; that’s why I
was hardly here during your childhood. Whenever I was here, I spent that time
with you. I guess that’s why I never found out.” He dropped the tweezers into
the bowl of glass and set it on the table. “But this is your chance to catch me
up, Jungkook. It’s just you and me and I don’t want you to have any fear or
shame about my reaction. Tell me everything, son. What’s been going on behind
my back? What have they been doing to you?”
I stared at him trying to determine if this was a scam. If it was, I wouldn’t
really lose anything. I would still be stuck here, still be miserable until Tae
fixed things. “W-where should I start?”
“At the beginning,” he said gravely. “All that's left is to bandage you up.
Then I have somewhere I want to take you, something I want to show you. You can
tell me everything.
I wiped my eyes and decided to go for it. “Okay…”
Chapter End Notes
     So...the Park family drama is nearing its end. Can I just say that I
     love Taegi and how protective they are of Jungkook? We haven't seen
     Taehyung go all serious since his phone call with the hotel employee,
     lol. That seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it? It's
     heartwarming to see them looking out for him. And they are so cute
     together that it's sickening.
     Did it go the way you expected or did you think Sungmin knew about
     everything? It was very hard not to spoil it because so many of you
     were suspicious about his intent. I wrote it as ambiguously as
     possible so that you guys would doubt him, so I guess it worked
     hehehe. But now that you've heard his side, has your opinion of Park
     Sungmin changed?
     I look forward to seeing you guys in the comments and hearing what
     you think. They've lessened the last few chapters, but it's okay.
     Since I'm a reader too, I know sometimes there's just nothing to say
     or you don't know how to say what you want to say. Sometimes you feel
     shy. Sometimes you worry how your words will be received. I get it
     loves. Even if you don't say anything at all, thanks for reading and
     supporting. I really appreciate it. :)
     Up Next:
     Chapter 58: Mama
     Jungkook greets his mother for the first time in life. Sungmin shares
     his special, secret place with Jungkook. Sungmin confronts his
     family.
***** Mama *****
Chapter Notes
     Okay, this chapter is dialogue heavy, frfr. If it ain't your thing,
     skip it loves. It's Jungkook's POV, but Sungmin does most of the
     talking...I don't want to frustrate any of you.
     This chapter was a nightmare. My goodness, the dialogue frustrated
     the ever-loving shit out of me. I did three different read-alouds and
     it seemed like I just couldn't get the emotions I wanted into the
     words. Ugh. I did rewrite after rewrite after rewrite and this was
     what I ended up with. I still think it can be tweaked a bit, but damn
     it I'm already a day behind. So, here's hoping it's satisfactory.
     Also, I updated both Alone Together and Still Doll. I know several of
     you have been waiting on AT, lol, but I wanted to update them all on
     the same day. This fic held up the others...sorry. :-*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
After driving halfway across the city, he pulled into a parking lot of an
apartment building. It was unremarkable, nothing special really, just a small
apartment building. I looked at him skeptically then at the building again,
wondering what in the hell was important enough for him to drive for more than
half an hour just to bring me here. I wanted to give him the benefit of the
doubt, but years of mistreatment at his hands made me suspicious. I couldn’t
give him my complete trust yet after 22 years of instilled hatred. He still had
a ways to go before I halfway trusted him.
He got out of the car, came around to my side and helped me out of the car. He
had done a good enough job on my foot, but the shards of glass that were too
small for him to find made it hard to walk. He taught me a home remedy, a paste
of baking soda and water applied thickly to the sole of my foot and then
wrapped in bandages. He said that by tomorrow the skin surrounding the glass
would recede and the tiny slivers would poke out, making them easier to remove.
It sounded like bullshit to me and I told him exactly that; he merely laughed
and told me to let science do its thing. I only frowned at him.
Hearing him laugh made me even more uncomfortable. It was so effortless for him
to do this, to act like a typical father and son. He seemed too easy going and
sure, whereas my head was still spinning. It was as if the last twenty years of
my life didn’t happen, and I was little bitter that it seemed like he had
already moved past our bullshit when I hadn’t. I couldn’t.
My guard was still up and I wasn’t going magically forget how much I had
suffered just because he fed me some sob story and seemed remorseful. He would
have to show and prove first that he was reliable and trustworthy. It was going
to take time, a whole lot of fucking time before I even considered trusting
him. Until then, he would get nothing from me but the opportunity to either
redeem himself or hang himself more. Time. It would take time.
We made our way inside and onto an elevator, me limping horribly even though he
supported most of my weight. I snuck a glance over at my old man and noticed
that there was something different about him. At first, I couldn’t put my
finger on the change, but then I noticed that there was no tension. He was
always tense, seemingly on edge the entirety of my existence. His shoulders,
his face, his mannerisms, the tension was always there as if it were an item of
clothing that he put on every day. Somewhere between the house and this
elevator, he had shed it and now it felt weird.
We stepped out onto the fifth floor and took a short walk to the right,
stopping in front of a door marked 5C. He entered a code into the door; I
extended the courtesy of turning my head so I wouldn’t see. He opened the door
and helped me inside, letting the door slip shut on its own.
I broke free of him once we were inside because hell, too much contact too
soon. I hobbled behind him in a sort of half-hop half-leg drag until we emerged
in a spacious common area. It was open, homey, and had loads of natural light.
There was a weird assortment of furniture; none of the pieces matched, but
somehow it worked. There was an old piano tucked off in a corner in front of a
huge bay window with a window seat. It wasn’t the fanciest of places, but it
was nice. It was warm and welcoming.
“What is this place?”
“My escape,” he said reverently. “This is where I’ve been hiding out for all
these years. Whenever I felt stifled or stuck, I would flee here. It is a
precious place to me.”
“Why?” I asked. Before he could answer, something else grabbed my attention. I
had noticed that there were pictures everywhere. Everywhere. On the walls, on
tables, on stands, on the countertop/bar—pictures of my father and a pretty
woman. Sometimes individual shots but mostly of them together…a woman who had
my cheeks, my eyes, and my smile. Unconsciously, I gravitated towards the
closest individual shot and picked it up with shaky hands. The first word that
came to mind as I gazed into lovely, crinkled two-dimensional eyes was bright.
The next was love. It was immediate; I loved her. “This…is this?” I traced the
features of her face with my finger, not surprised to see tears spattering onto
the frame I held in my hands. It was as if she spit me out whole; nearly a
perfect copy. “This…is this her?”
“Yes,” he said sadly. “That…she is your mother, Jeon Jinkyong. She was…” he
walked over towards me and put a hand on my shoulder. “She was the love of my
life. And this place where we are standing is where she lived. Welcome to what
would have been your home, if only…” he let his hand drop and his head followed
suit. “This was to be our home together, at least until we found our dream
house. But after…I just couldn’t find the heart to let it go.”
“Jinkyong?” I traced her sharp jawline with my thumb. “My mother’s name was
Jinkyong?” I asked in absolute awe.
He nodded. “Jinnie to those of us who were lucky enough to get close to her.
She was…I loved her. To me she was everything. I wish that you could have met
her.” He stared at the photograph longingly and I knew that no matter how much
I distrusted him, his feelings about my mother were genuine. “She was the
warmest, brightest, kindest, most sincere soul I ever met. I fell in love with
her almost instantly.”
“How did you two meet?”
“That’s a story for another time, we have more important matters to discuss.
Maybe we should sit? You’ve been standing for far too long on that foot and I
don’t want the glass to embed itself any deeper. Come.” I reluctantly let him
take the picture from my hand and put it back in its place and begrudgingly
accepted his help over to a sofa that was ugly beyond words. Looks can be
deceiving though, because the sofa was so comfortable that I knew it would be
hard to leave it when the time came. He took a seat in a nearby chair, somehow
picking up that I needed space still.
I scowled at him, an action lost on him since his gaze was fixed on the floor.
“What exactly are these important matters? What could be more important than me
learning about my mother? You never spoke her name once in my entire life; I
never got the chance to see her face. Not once! You bring me here and just drop
this bomb at my feet and I’m supposed to ignore it? There’s nothing more
important to me than this!”
“And there’s nothing more important to me than you, Jungkook. I’m still
shellshocked after learning what you’ve been going through and to me that takes
precedence. I’m angry, no, pissed that this has been happening to you right
under my nose and I did nothing to stop it. I’m disgusted that these people
share my name, that they committed such evil, heinous acts and acted as if it
were nothing. I’m still reeling and I would prefer not to involve my memories
of Jinnie in this mess, I don’t want them tainted. We can talk about her
anytime, just not now. Not while there’s so much negativity. Please
understand.”
I frowned at him even though I understood what he meant since I had someone who
I loved just as much as he seemed to love my mother…more actually. I couldn’t
imagine losing him completely, couldn’t picture him ceasing to exist. I
wouldn’t want to live in a world that he wasn’t a part of, but if that were to
happen, every moment, every memory stored in my head would be precious. I
wouldn’t do anything to risk ruining them either. “I get it, but you owe me
some explanations, Father. Why have I never seen this place? Why did you keep
her from me?”
“You’ve been here before but you were too little to remember. I brought you
here all of the time, showed you pictures and told stories in hopes that they
would stick with you as you grew up. But as you got older I worried that you
would let our secret slip. I couldn’t take the chance of Dohui finding out and
trying to steal this from me. I couldn’t lose Jinnie all over again.”
“Oh…I guess I understand.” It was unfair of him to hide all of this from me,
but again I sympathized. “Tell me what happened. You don’t have to include my
mother, I just want to know how we got here. I want to know why everything went
to shit and why I lost both my parents. This person you are right now, it’s not
the same man I’ve known. I want to know why he abandoned me.”
“Jungkook, it’s complicated.”
“Complicated is my middle name, Father. I’m an ex-junkie prostitute who’s in
love with a man who’s way out of my league and is in love with someone else who
happens to be like a brother to me. I’m on house arrest for a crime I didn’t
commit based on the word of an old, demented, sick bastard who likes to abuse
his grandson and surrounded by people whose only purpose in life is to make
mine hell. I think I can handle your story.” His gaze was so piercing, so
invasive that I lost some of my hardness. I could see the tears forming again
and it was both disturbing and heartbreaking. “Don’t stare at me like that.”
“Drugs and prostitution…” He looked as if he were going to choke on the words.
“…that’s what you had to resort to because of me?”
“I blamed you at one point, but ultimately it was my choice to do what I did.
Prostitution to survive, drugs to survive surviving.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“Life was hard for me for awhile, but it could have been so much worse. I’m not
ashamed of the person I used to be, not anymore. The only person whose opinion
matters doesn’t give a damn about my past. He knows it all and still loves me
even though he shouldn’t, so I don’t care about who I was. I’m more focused on
becoming a better man and continuing to look back won’t help me move forward.
For myself, but also for him…because of his love I’m striving to be a better
me.”
“Kim Taehyung? He’s had that much of an impact on you?”
“Who else? Meeting him has been my greatest blessing. He changed my life and
holds my entire heart. But I’ve already explained Tae to you, we’re getting off
track. It’s complicated doesn’t exactly fly with me. I’ve been through more in
four years than you’ve gone through in your whole life. I want to know what
happened. Why was I forced to live with those people? Why didn’t you leave
Eomma Park if you were so unhappy with her?”
“It’s…how do I even start?”
“From the beginning. You met my mother, fell in love with her even though you
were a married man, knocked her up and then…”
“It wasn’t as simple as that. Again, there are so many cultural differences
that you don’t understand. Dohui and I…we weren’t a love match. We had an
arranged marriage that was planned even before we were born. Familial duty
wasn’t something I could just ignore when I was younger, so even though I had
no interest in her, no attraction, I was forced to wed.”
“You could have said no.”
“Circumstances left me no choice. Long story short, we married young and within
months our parents started pushing for children. Dohui agreed with them,
believing that once children came I would settle into our marriage. We had
Bogum, followed closely by Jimin and everyone was happy…except me. Though I
loved our children, my heart could not accept her. While Dohui was happy, I
merely coexisted. When the opportunity to leave Korea and come here presented
itself in the form of medical school, I leapt at the chance. I left Dohui and
the boys behind and came here alone. It was then that I met Jinnie…it was the
best year of my life.”
“Married with two kids, and still you chased her? What kind of man are you?”
“I didn’t go out seeking someone to fall in love with, it just happened.” He
sighed heavily and continued. “She knew everything from the start, I didn’t
keep anything from her. She understood about the arranged marriage, knew about
my sons, but still loved me. I was so happy with her that when she told me she
was pregnant, I proposed to her on the spot.”
“How could you propose knowing that you had a family waiting for you? It’s…”
Even though I hated Eomma Park, my father’s actions were disgraceful. “It was
wrong.”
He nodded as if he expected my response. “She and I had discussed my situation
several times by then and I already had my mind made up. Being free from the
watchful eyes of my parents made me bolder and more rebellious; I decided to
divorce Dohui long before I proposed. It was something I would have never
considered back home, but things are different here.”
He said it as if it made the situation better. He was still a married man and
he made my mother a mistress and me a bastard. I frowned at him. “So, I’m
guessing something happened to stop the divorce, seeing as how you’re still
with Eomma Park.”
He nodded again. “I talked to Dohui and asked her not to come; told her I found
my true match and apologized for not loving her and asked outright for a
divorce. But as soon as we hung up, she went running to our parents and told
them everything. The elders decided that it was the distance and pooled
together to buy us a house. They sent Dohui and the kids over directly and
threatened to punish me for my indiscretion by cutting off financial support
unless I tried to work things out.”
“You should have let them cut you off,” I said angrily. “If you truly loved her
then something as silly as money shouldn’t have kept you apart.”
“I wish I had the luxury of turning them down. But I was a full time student; I
had no job and my parents covered my college and living expenses. Most
importantly, I had Jinnie and you to worry about. I couldn’t ignore their
wishes. I agreed only with the added stipulation that if my feelings didn’t
change, they had to let me out of the marriage. Six months…I only had to suffer
for six months…that’s what I told myself.” He smoothed his hair back in
frustration. “Your mother was very supportive. She knew that for me nothing
would change. She trusted me and our love, so she had no reason to worry. She
knew we…” he choked up. “Thought we had forever, so what’s six months, right?”
“What happened?”
“The six months crawled by and when I told my parents that my feelings for
Jinnie grew even stronger in her absence, they reneged on our deal. Said they’d
never been serious about letting me out of the marriage. Naturally, I was
pissed and moved out immediately, running back to Jinnie.”
“I’ll admit, it was pretty fucked up of them to do that,” I offered. I really
didn’t want to be on his side in this, but the truth was he had been painted
into a corner.
“I put those six months behind me and started focusing on the future. We only
had three weeks until you would be born and we lost ourselves in planning for
your arrival. I was so happy. I had Jinnie…we had you…for me that was enough. I
thought it was enough for Jinnie, too.”
"What do you mean?” I asked, brows furrowed.
“Dohui contacted her somehow and asked to meet. Jinnie refused to go at first
but with signed divorce papers as a bargaining chip, she couldn’t resist. She
went to meet her while I was out; she didn’t tell me.”
“Why would she do something so stupid? Why would she go there?” It should have
been obvious to her that Eomma Park was up to no good; it was so fucking
apparent to me. How could she have risked meeting that evil bitch?
“I’ve spent years asking myself the same question. Wanting me to be free, being
too trusting and kind, guilt…Jinnie didn’t give me specifics, she never had a
chance to explain what she was thinking at that time. The meeting went sour of
course because Dohui had asked for the meeting under false pretenses. With
support from our families, she wanted to pay Jinnie to disappear.”
“I knew it! She’s so…ugh, she’s evil.”
“Things got tense when she refused, they argued and…Jinnie…she fell. Missed a
step as she left the house in anger and landed wrong, something as simple as
that.” He openly wept. “She…they got you out safely, but the
bleeding…hemorrhaging…they couldn’t stop the bleeding in time. She saw you,
heard you cry even. She named you right then, holding my hand she called you
Jungkook. Her other arm was stretched out, still reaching for you but…then she
was gone. Just gone. Like she had never been here. Gone.”
“How can you be sure that’s what really happened?” I could feel my rage
building. “What if that cow you call a wife did something to her?”
“Do you think it never crossed my mind? It was the very first thought I had!”
he spat angrily, lost in his grief. “I sped to the hospital already cursing
her, blaming her. But Jinnie…she said it was her own fault. She was too upset
and didn’t pay attention to where she stepped. It was Dohui who got her to the
hospital in time to save you; she called an ambulance.”
“Who do I blame then?” I yelled. “Who can I blame for losing her because I sure
as shit won’t blame her! Loving you that much, having the courage to go and
face down your wife on your behalf…how can I hate her for that?”
“I struggled with the same thing. I couldn’t blame her and Dohui was faultless
for once, so there was only one person to blame.”
“Yourself?”
“No, I wasn’t rational enough to make that natural progression. Instead, I went
off the rails and blamed you.”
“Me?” My jaw went slack in surprise. “What did I do? I was a newborn!”
“My misery at losing her warped everything. I began to think that if you had
been strong enough to stay still, to not come early, I would still have her. I
hated you. It’s stupid, I know, but I couldn’t even stand the sight of you
after she left. For two whole days, I stayed away. I left you there in the
hospital and hid. I didn’t want to face anything without her.”
“You…you abandoned me?” I was beyond angry. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,
right? My first day in the world and you left me. It was your first time, but
it damn sure wasn’t your last. Great. Just fucking great.”
“There is no excuse, I apologize. You wanted to hear it so I’m giving you the
truth, even though I hate having to hurt you more than I already have. I’m only
being honest with you.”
“Fuck you,” was the only response I could muster. He was a selfish, weak
bastard. I defensively crossed my arms over my chest and averted my eyes to
somewhere other than his direction. “So, what made you crawl back to claim your
son.”
“Being here in our home. Seeing her face everywhere and knowing what she would
say if she saw me in that state; knowing she would hate me for letting you out
of my sight even for a second.”
“You’re only giving me more reasons to distrust you.” I scoffed, sending him an
accusing glare. “Even in death, she was a better parent. It’s hard to believe
you ever gave a damn about me, you understand why, right?”
“I know; I get it. I know it makes me look bad, but I’m giving you nothing but
the truth. Think about it, Jungkook. If I won’t lie to you about this stuff, I
won’t lie to you about anything.” He had a point, but I wasn’t about to say it
aloud. “I was out of my mind when I left but once I regained clarity, I raced
back to you. You were there waiting. When I saw you for the first time,” he
started crying again. “It was like tumblers falling into place. I made a
promise then that I would be the best father to you and bring every last one of
her hopes for you to fruition. You…I loved you so much. Every inch of you, I
loved it. I was a man obsessed, Jungkook. Everything about you fascinated me,
from your cries to the peach fuzz covering your head to the way your diapers
smelled.” He managed a morose chuckle, lost in his memories. “Your gurgles,
that reflex that looked a lot like a smile but wasn’t really a smile, your
fingers and toes…everything. For a few months, I kept you all to myself. I
forgot about medical school and lived off of what Jinnie and I managed to save
for our dream house. All I cared about was you.”
I couldn’t ignore his sincerity…I tried, wanting to continue to hate him, but I
couldn’t.
He dried his face with the sleeves of his shirt. “We went on for awhile, just
you and me. I didn’t know I could be so happy without her, and though I felt
guilty sometimes, I knew she would want that for us. Everything was fine until
Dohui contacted me unexpectedly.”
“Why?”
“She got the notices that I was in danger of being kicked out of school and
argued how much of a waste it would be. She begged me to meet with her, I
agreed. When we met, made an offer to raise you along with our children while I
finished school. I turned her down at first, not wanting to share you with
anyone. I sent her off in tears, not even caring. There was no room for her in
our world. Then my parents called. They…said that what happened to Jinnie…it
was for the best.”
I tensed in anger, shocked. “They said what?” I didn’t even know them, but I
hated them now, too.
“Her death was a miracle to help save your marriage is what they said. They
encouraged me to take Dohui’s deal and go back to school so that I could be a
better provider for you. It was the only thing that broke through the fog of my
mind, being able to take care of you better. I considered what they said and
decided that the idea had merit. I knew Dohui well and it was only because of
her that you survived, so I called her and told her I wanted to give it a
chance. I warned that she shouldn’t expect anything more than us raising you
together. Right after I hung up with her, I called my parents and told them
never to contact me again. I couldn’t forgive what they said about Jinkyong. I
never saw or heard from them again and I have zero regrets about it.”
“Wow, finally something I can relate to…” I glanced at him and didn’t miss the
hurt lingering on his face. I didn’t expect to feel so guilty for putting it
there. “Is that everything?” I asked quietly.
“Just about. I moved back in with Dohui and for a while things were good. I was
wary at first about leaving you with her, but she doted on you. Whenever I had
free time we would come here. For two years it we managed to keep the peace,
but then,” he shook his head, “she started making demands. Move back into our
room and share a bed, recommit to our marriage, let me adopt Jungkook…I didn’t
want any of it. She thought that since Jinnie was gone we could just pick up
where we left off, but I wasn’t interested. She got pushy and things got so bad
that when I came home from work I would grab you up and run here. When you got
older I started to leave you behind. I never suspected… ” he trailed off, eyes
going dark.
“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just divorce her.”
“By that point I just didn’t care anymore. Also, there was Bogum and Jimin to
think about. But the most important thing was that she was the only mother
figure you knew; I didn’t want to ruin that.”
“Some mother she was…” I mumbled. I stared at the mess of a man that was my
father. He was an utter fuckup and a shit father for sure. He was selfish,
cruel, hypersensitive, impulsive and irrational. I hated looking at him because
it was too much like looking into a crystal ball. He could have been my future;
he was the man I would have become had I not met Kim Taehyung. But it wasn’t up
to me to judge him. I had made some pretty big mistakes of my own, so I was in
no position to look down on him. In fact, I pitied him. I didn’t forgive him,
not yet, but I did feel bad that his life got screwed up…even if it was mostly
his own fault. “I know it was hard for you to tell me all of this, to relive
it. Thank you.”
“I owed you the truth.”
“You did. But I have to be honest with you, it doesn’t change how I feel about
you.”
“I don’t expect it to be easy. I love you, Jungkook, and I’m not giving up.
Whatever it takes, I’m here.”
“That’s…” I didn’t want to say that it was nice to hear even if it was. I
refused to set myself up for disappointment. “You have a habit of running away
to hide when things get hard, so we’ll see.”
He gave a small smile and I was finally able to stop scowling at him. “So, now
that we’re both caught up…what happens next?”
“I wanted to show you around here a bit more and tell you some things about
Jinnie, but like I said, things are just too messy now. I have something to
settle first.” His expression was grave and scary. “I think it’s time for a
family meeting.”
                                     *****
I held onto my father’s arm and gingerly hopped up the steps leading to the
house. He was tense again and I watched a shadow of sadness pass over his
face...he was probably thinking about how we lost mother again. I know I
couldn’t stop thinking about it. I would never be able to look at these
deathtraps again and not feel a pang of regret. It’s no wonder he didn’t like
to come here.
We walked inside, me taking the lead at his insistence so he could make sure I
didn’t fall if I mistakenly stepped down too hard injured foot; it was that
painful to walk on. As we made our way along the foyer, Mother Park’s
condescending voice rang out from the living room. “I know it’s you, Jungkook.
Come here, now,” she demanded. I looked over at father, which I shouldn’t have
done. I’d seen my father several times at what I believed to be the peak of his
anger; I’d never seen him quite like this. For once, I was glad to be on his
side.
He encouraged me to go ahead alone, so hopped my way into the living room. She
sat propped up on her false throne, queen of the manor mode in full gear. I
rolled my eyes. “Yes, Mother Park.”
“You have the nerve to stand there as if you don’t have anything to answer for.
Did I not instruct you to clean up your mess in the kitchen? Blood and glass
all over my floor, yet here you are looking at me like you don’t have a care in
the world. Aish, what did I do to deserve a lazy lout like you?” She
dramatically tossed her long hair over her shoulder.
“I planned to, but the glass in my foot was too painful. I needed to get it
treated first,” I gritted out through clenched feet.
“You really have some nerve. You carelessly left glass and your filthy blood on
the floor for someone else to walk through because you had a little glass in
your foot? You were well enough to get yourself to wherever you snuck off too,
so it should not have been too trying for you to clean up your mess. Jungkook,
you really are useless.”
“I apologize.”
“What exactly do you think an apology from a nothing such as yourself is worth?
Hmm?”
I balled my fists at my sides. It would be wrong to deck her, but she deserved
it. She deserved it so much, but I held back because I knew that I wasn’t alone
in this. I finally had someone on my side. “Nothing I guess.”
“You’re absolutely right. Now…” she stood, haughtily crossing her arms across
her bony chest, “we’re going to go into the kitchen and you’re going to clean
up the glass and the blood. Then you’re going to give the entire floor the same
treatment you did the other day, just to be safe. Hopefully, I won’t spill
anything else, I would hate it if you mistakenly crawled into another pile…”
“If you’re hinting at what I think you’re hinting at, I don’t think that’s
necessary. I’ll clean up the glass even though you and I both know it wasn’t my
mess, nor an accident.”
“You ingrate! You barge into our home to burden us with your presence and have
the gall to be insolent? What kind of a person are you? This evilness residing
in you, where does it come from?” She gave a derisive snort. “I suppose it
could only come from one place, seeing as how my children don’t share your
traits.”
I swear I heard my father’s patience shatter at that moment and I could feel my
rage building, too. This time, however, I wasn’t angry about what she said
about me. It irked me, but for the most part, I was immune to her insults. But
seeing my mother’s face for the first time lent a sourness to Mother Park’s
words and I hated it. Her insinuation that something was wrong with my dead
mother awakened an anger I hadn’t felt in a long while. And knowing that my
father was listening, recalling how hard it was for him to even walk up the
same steps that stole his love away, knowing that it had been twenty-two years
and he was mourning her as if she died yesterday…he had to hear something like
that. The bitch had gone far.
“Thank goodness, right? I would hate to share anything with those asshole
psychos you call sons.”
She huffed in response. “You would dare to use that sort of language in front
of me?” She chuckled, sardonically. “But what else should I expect from the son
of a devious, immoral, husband-stealing whore?”
That was the last straw. I shook with anger as I addressed her. “Thinking back
to how you’ve treated me my entire life, seeing you the way you are now, Mother
Park, I can’t say that I blame him for cheating. You’re a loveless, deceptive,
controlling bitch of a lady and though I wasn’t lucky enough to meet her, I can
say without a single doubt that my mother was ten times the woman you think you
are.”
I saw the exact second she lost control. She crossed the room at a hurried pace
and already had her arm raised when my father stepped into the room and stood
directly in front of me. I peered over his shoulder, relishing the cartoonish
way her eyes bulged from their sockets as she skidded to a stop; I stifled a
giggle.
“Sungmin? I did not know that you were home.” She struggled to compose herself
and for the most part did well…but her eyes broadcast every emotion happening
in her head.
“That much is apparent, otherwise, I doubt I would have heard what I heard.”
“Exactly how much did you hear?”
“All of it, but my question is why am I hearing it at all? I want to know who
gave you permission to speak to my son in such a way, Dohui.”
“He is just as much my son as he is yours, maybe more.”
“That’s where you wrong. He already has a mother and since she isn’t here he is
mine and mine alone,” my father growled at her. “But even if he were your son,
is this how you would treat him? I don’t recall you speaking to Bogum or Jimin
like this. I don’t recall you making them scrub floors by hand or putting
broken glass down for them to step on. I know I haven’t been very present here,
so maybe I missed it.”
“Bogum and Jimin aren’t as problematic as Jungkook. They are filial,
hardworking, and upstanding. Your son is a lazy, good-for-nothing,
disrespectful…”
That was as far as she got before the slap came. The thunderous sound of skin
meeting skin startled me; I had not expected it. I also did not expect to see
her crumple to the floor. I didn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand,
honestly, she deserved it. On the other…hell, actually, on the other hand, she
deserved it, too. I should have felt remorse because she was someone’s mother,
but this was the same heifer who set me up to step in glass this morning,
disrespected my dead mother mere minutes ago, and tortured me for as long as I
could remember. She made me feel like an intruder in my own home and let her
offspring do as they pleased with me. She was no lady. She didn’t deserve my
respect, nor my pity. She deserved a slap and then some.
“You got away with it earlier because I wanted to hear for myself how you spoke
when you thought no one was around to hear it. But if you think I’m going to
let you continue to degrade my son, then you’ve really lost your mind.” My
father turned towards me. “I’m sorry she said so many hurtful things to you,
son, and I wish you didn’t have to see me do something like that.”
“Truthfully, dad, I think it raised my opinion of you a little bit. I don’t
feel the slightest bit sorry for her.”
“I don’t want you think that hitting a person out of anger is okay.”
“First, she’s not a person. She’s a monster. Second, it’s a little late for
that lesson, Father.” I laughed, though this was definitely not the time for
it. “But, I’m working on it.”
“Ah. That’s good.” He turned back towards her. “Stand up and face me, Dohui.
Now.”
“Sungmin…” she whined pitifully as she pulled herself to her feet, a hand
resting on her cheek. “In all of our years together, you’ve never once raised
your hand to me. It’s him, don’t you see it? He ruins everything.”
“It’s not him, it’s you. I know everything now. I know what you’ve been doing
to him, how you’ve been treating him while I wasn’t around. I know and I’m
telling you outright that it ends now.”
“Whatever stories he told you are more than likely fabrications. Jungkook is a
liar, a criminal, and is wicked. He is beyond saving. Did our boys not tell you
what he’s been up to while he’s been away? You cannot take his word on
anything.”
“No, they didn’t tell me anything. Jungkook told me himself and I really don’t
care about anything he’s done in the past. I don’t see how it has anything to
do with what I saw with my own eyes and heard with my own ears.”
“What you heard just now was me speaking out of anger and frustration.
Certainly, you can understand that those emotions often produce hurtful words.
I’ll admit that I should have thought more before speaking, but whatever else
he told you are falsehoods.”
“After all of our years together, do you really believe me to be this stupid,
Dohui? Who do you think bandaged his foot?” my father asked irately. “I found
him in the kitchen bleeding, trying to pull a chunk of glass out of his foot. I
saw the strategically placed pile. I also saw the dustpan and bucket that you
brought him, expecting him to further damage himself for your twisted
amusement. I saw that you left him there without a concern about how hurt he
was.”
“Sungmin, do you even know what trick he pulled yesterday? He and one of his
degenerate friends kicked in our back door! They pretended the house was on
fire just so that they could douse us with water!”
“That’s the excuse for your behavior? He played a prank so you injured him like
this?” he accused, pointing at my bandaged foot. “Do you know how ridiculously
childish you sound!?!” he roared. “How many years have you spent pulling your
little stunts? If it’s really an eye for an eye, then he has some catching up
to do, doesn’t he?”
“Sungmin…” she cried. “…you’re letting him come between us again. This is what
he does, he divides us. He brings bedlam and confusion into our home and you’re
allowing it.”
“I don’t know what’s worse, hearing you say such bullshit aloud or knowing that
you really believe it’s true. You’re cracked, Dohui. Cracked!” He shifted his
weight, muttering curses under his breath as he tried to calm himself down. I
put a hand on his arm for comfort and the look he gave me screamed his
appreciation. He faced her again. “The only person whipping this house into
chaos is you. Jungkook can’t divide us when we are already separated. You know
this. We were over before he was conceived, before I even met Jinkyung. The
only connection we ever had were our children, but after hearing what they’ve
become under your tutelage, I’m ashamed that I helped make them. The only
difference is that I’m going to give them a chance to change. As for you and me
and this arrangement we had, it’s all over. We’re done, Dohui, well, to be
honest, we never started. And I don’t give a damn who you call or who you cry
to, my filial duty is done. Our children have become men and there’s no need
for me to stay with you. I have my own money and you can’t keep this house of
misery. As soon Jungkook is free from here, I will be, too.”
“You go too far, Sungmin! You would toss away our sons for this…this…”
“It’s you I’m throwing away, not my children. But yes, for Jungkook I’m willing
to do anything. I’ve spent the last twenty-two years of my life bound to
something as pathetic and rotten as you solely for his sake, haven’t I? Isn’t
that proof enough?”
She pointed wildly at me even though I didn't say a word the entire time. “He
turned you against me. It’s all his fault that we can’t be a family. It’s all
his fault that you can’t love me!”
“It’s no one's fault that I can’t love you. I never loved you. Never! You’ve
known this from the beginning, Dohui, because I’ve never lied to you about how
I feel. It’s your own fault that you keep trying to force feelings that aren’t
there. You can’t accept that I don’t feel the same way you do. You thought
getting married would do it, but it didn’t work so you tried to tie me down
with kids. That didn’t work either. And now that I’ve heard what you’ve what
you’ve been up to all these years, I’m starting to suspect that the only reason
you asked to raise him was to keep me tethered to you.”
Well, damn. Now that he said it, I thought the same. It was so obvious now for
some reason, but when he told his story the possibility never crossed my mind.
It should have.
“I heard everything you just said to him in here. You attacked him for no other
reason than you like doing so and you’ve been getting away with it for years.
You’re caught, so don’t try and place the blame on him.” He advanced on her as
she backed away, slipping out of my grasp. “You called him useless…my son, you
called him useless and a nothing. You disrespected him and you disrespected
Jinkyong. You raised my sons to be at war with their own brother. You’ve made
this home chaotic and unlivable. I cannot believe I trusted someone like you to
raise my son…my sons. You’ve sabotaged the family we could have had. I won’t
ever forgive you for it, Dohui. Never.”
“But Sungmin, I didn’t mean to…” her knees buckled as the back of her legs met
the couch behind her and she plopped down with a startled yelp. “I…I…” she
sniffled, even though there wasn’t a single tear present yet.
“Just be quiet. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will change
anything now. Every single word that leaves your lips is utter shit and I will
not tolerate any longer.” He stood towering over her, strong and menacing; in
that moment I was proud of him. “Do not move from that spot. Be quiet. Be
still. I don’t want you near my son if I’m not present. You are a disgrace both
as a human being and as a mother, and if you ever open your mouth to speak to,
at, or even about Jungkook again, I will rip your wagging tongue right from
your head and beat you to death with it. Understood?” She nodded, totally
deflated and defeated. “Good.”
He stiffly came back to me, shoulders heavy and face grim. He stood awkwardly
in front of me and I had no idea what to say. Seeing him stand up for me was
such a perplexing thing to witness. It was hard for me to move beyond our
history, I couldn’t let it go yet. But this version of him, had I known him
before today I’m pretty sure I would have worshipped the ground he walked on.
This was the father I wish I had growing up; this was the man my mother fell in
love with. It’s too bad that we both missed out on what could have been a great
relationship. Life would have been much easier if I had known him the entire
time.
Although I still had doubts and my hatred—though dull—still lingered, I
respected him for what he did for me. I had to do something. I wanted to, but
didn’t at the same time…I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. I
could feel the stiffness leaking out of him as he returned my embrace, strong
arms wrapping me up. “I’m sorry, Jungkook. I really and truly am sorry.”
“I know. I believe you.”
“And I love you…I love you so much, my son.”
“I believe that, too.” I was the first to step out of the embrace. We left the
room, him leading and me hobbling after him. “Thank you, Father.”
“Why are you thanking me for doing my job.”
“So…what now?” I asked.
“We wait for your brothers. How about you and I cook dinner together to welcome
them home?”
“It’s probably best if you do it. I’d be to tempted to pay them back for all
the times they slipped things into my food. Unless you’re willing to look the
other way so I can spit in it…” I offered hopefully.
“Absolutely not.”
“But Father…”
“Spitting in their food is out of the question,” he said firmly. “However, if
you mistakenly overseasoned with red pepper flakes, then…”
“Ah, Father,” I sighed grimly, “I fear I’m actually starting to like you.”
He genuinely laughed as we made our way into the kitchen.
                                     *****
We all sat in awkward silence at the table; father at the head, Bogum and Jimin
across from me. There was only the sound of forks scraping or tapping against
plates. I trained my eyes on the plate in front of me, not wanting to be the
one to say something first. Knowing my mouth and how loose it was, it was too
risky for me to initiate conversation. Plus, I couldn’t get the image of Jimin
tumbling across the wet floor out of mind. I sniggered to myself, trying like
hell to keep it as quiet as possible.
Father and I talked a lot while cooking and he managed to convince me to try
with these two assholes. He was hopeful that their treatment of me was a
learned behavior that could be unlearned; I wasn’t. Even if it was a learned
behavior, they had put in so many man hours doing what they did. They wouldn’t
be able to just turn off their hatred just like that; I knew from experience. I
was interested in being their practice dummy so they can learn how to treat a
person like a person. I had absolutely no faith that they could, or that they
wanted to, but optimism was never my thing. So, while I promised not to go on
the attack, I sat ready to defend myself if it was necessary. As I waited for
whatever it was they would throw at me next, I kept imagining tiny Jimin
sliding across a wet floor. Ah…it really was amusing.
Father’s voice rang out clearly in the quiet dining area. “So, this is how you
three have become? One refusing to acknowledge the others, the other two
sending glares across the table…” I looked up to see those two openly staring
at me with so much animosity that I felt my fight instincts kick in. Maybe with
Mother Park being out of the way, I could do as I liked and not have to worry
about the cops getting called. As I latched onto the possibility of ramming
Jimin into the wall behind him, Father continued, “…this is what she has done
to my sons.”
“She? You don’t mean Mom, do you?” Bogum asked in disbelief. “She hasn’t done
anything to us but love and care for us from the day we were born. If you’re
looking for someone to blame for the state of our family, look to your right.
There’s your culprit.”
I laughed heartily at that, dropping my fork onto my plate and slapping the
table with my palm. “Ah, hilarious as always, big brother. Yeah, it’s me. I’m
the one cornering you to beat you up and sneaking shit into your food. I’m the
one kicking in your bedroom door to intimidate you and stealing your shit just
for kicks. I guess it also me locking you in closets or outside of the house or
inside fucking toolsheds with no way to breathe, too. That’s me…Jeon Jungkook
the troublemaker. Rowdy boy, extraordinairre. Hellraiser from the day I came
into the world, even killed my own mother, right? I’m as evil as they come.”
Father quickly stepped in. “Jungkook…don’t.” He quietly set his fork down and
clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking. “Don’t say things like
that. You know it wasn’t your fault that she…” he still couldn’t finish it. “It
was a simple slip and fall. An accident.”
I shouldn’t have said that, I knew it. I knew how much it hurt him, yet the
words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I hadn’t meant it. “I’m…I
apologize, Father. I wasn’t taking a shot at you, I swear. I’m just impetuous
by nature and I don’t think before speaking when I get riled. This fucker,” I
said pointing at Bogum, “has me riled. He’s trying to blame me for the things
that they did to me. All I wanted back then was to be accepted as a member of
this family and I tried my hardest. I put up with a lot of bullshit, them
calling me Park Mojopum and all the other things they did to fuck with my mind,
body, and spirit. I’m not that scrawny kid who can be pushed around anymore and
I have my own family who loves me. I’m not going to let them sit here and spew
bullshit and not say anything.”
“I’m not expecting you to sit here and take it. But you promised you would at
least try with them.”
“Me at this table not pummeling their faces into the floor is trying, Father. I
didn’t mean to hurt you with my words, but if you’re expecting more than this
from me your hopes are way too high.”
“What if you just listen for now? If your anger is too much…”
“It is.”
“Then, I’ll talk with them.” He patted my knee gently. “One more thing that you
should know and they should hear…” he said, inclining his head towards the
other two. “I intentionally gave you your mother’s family name because it is
something sacred to me and I didn’t want to lose it. Hearing it reminds me that
our love created you. I also wanted you to be able to hold onto a part of her.
You didn’t meet her, but you’re connected by a shared name. You’re a Park by
blood already and that is more than enough for me. Okay?”
I nodded, unable to meet his eyes. He was a sentimental bastard. I didn’t see
how it would be possible to go on hating him, especially after he said
something as kind as that in front of those two. “Thanks,” I said quietly. I
resigned myself to silence and just sat back to watch everything unfold.
“Drama queen strikes yet again,” Jimin grumbled softly. “He always has to make
everything about himself, the faggot.”
I saw my father tense at that, which was surprising to me since I thought he
shared that sentiment about people like me. “What did you say, Jimin? Men
aren’t afraid to be heard. Speak loudly and clearly so that we get your words.
Be a man and repeat it, if you dare. Go on. Say it.”
“It’s…” he started. “It’s him! Everything is always about him and I’m sick to
death of it. He shouldn’t here, he’s not a part of our family anyway. He’s not
one of us.”
“According to whom…you?” my father asked. Jimin clammed up. “Last time I
checked, I was the head of this family. The same blood flowing through my veins
flows through yours. You, Bogum, and Jungkook are all my sons and there has
never been any doubt about that, not one bit. But if you want to argue any
further, just know that now my temper has been tapped now. Do you feel like
testing me, Park Jimin?”
“No, sir,” he said meekly. “I didn’t mean any disrespect, but you don’t want me
to lie do you? I don’t consider him a part of this family. I don’t know why
we’re forced to put up with him…”
“Forced to put up with him? Have you lost your mind? Jungkook is MY son. Mine.
He’s here because I’m here.” I saw my father heave a heavy sigh while pushing
his chair back from the table. He relaxed his position, crossing his legs. “I
feel like you guys have misunderstood something about how our home works…that,
or you were taught to see something different. Did your mother ever tell you
about our arrangement?”
“What arrangement?” Bogum looked towards Jimin, who shrugged in response.
“Your mother and I had an arranged marriage. I was forced to marry her by my
parents. She and I have never had a real relationship.”
Bogum laughed, sarcasm dripping from the sound. “That’s funny, really funny.
Then why are we here? If you were never in a relationship with her, then why
were we born?”
“Filial responsibility. It’s what the elders wanted, I did as they asked. You
are my sons and I do love you, but if you think you are the result of some
grand romance or love then you are mistaken. I hate ruining that idea for you,
but it’s just not true. I was never in love with your mother and she has known
this since before we got married. She loved me but I didn’t return her
feelings. She understood my position but hoped that she would be able to change
my mind. She was unable to. I never felt anything for her that was the
slightest bit romantic.”
“But, that’s just not possible. That can’t be true,” Bogum supposed. “I don’t
believe it.”
“It is very true. I’m not sure what you were told, but I’m sure these beliefs
you two have were planted there. Dohui and I were never real. Jungkook’s
mother, Jeon Jinkyong, was my one. We only get a shot at one great love in a
lifetime and she was that for me. She was who I wanted to spend the rest of my
life with and had she not died, I would have done just that.”
“So it is true then. His mother stole you away from us,” Jimin accused. “It’s
because of her and Jungkook that you became distant and stopped caring about
us. They stole you away!”
He pushed off from the table so hard that his chair tumbled over onto the
floor. He pounded his fists on the table angrily, making the silverware jump
and the glasses shake. “How could I be stolen when I’m the one who chased her!
How are you still missing it when I’m being so straightforward!” He slapped his
chest, saying, “I never once in my life loved Dohui. We were married, but we
were far from a couple. I pursued Jinkyong. I wanted to be with her. I loved
her! Do you get that? Why won’t it sink in?” Jimin’s eyes fell to his lap.
“When I told your mom, she got our families involved. They bought this house
and sent all of you over to force me to remain in the marriage. I only tried to
make things work because they promised that after a certain amount of time,
they would grant me permission to divorce her. They went back on their word and
that was how I came to be stuck in this marriage.”
“You could have left. You’re a man and you could have left at any time,” Bogum
stated. “Do you know how it feels to live with someone who makes you feel
unwanted? That’s what it’s been like our whole lives. It would have been better
for you to go than to stay here and treat us like we were some cross for you to
bear.”
“Maybe you are too young to remember, but I did leave. I was with Jinkyong up
until the time she…” he let the rest of that sentence stay up in the air. “And
for a long time after. I was happy enough where I was, even though it was just
me and Jungkook. It was your mother who came to me and begged me to let her
help raise him. I only agreed because she promised to treat him like a son, but
today I found out that she hasn’t been doing that. In fact, she has gone out of
her way to make sure his life here was hell. That is why she won’t be joining
us for dinner, nor any other family dinner in the future.” He picked up his
chair and took his seat again as if the explosion never happened. He glowered
at the other two and again I found myself grateful to be on his good side. “I
also found out that you’ve been participating in these little games of hers,
torturing your brother because of your unfounded hatred. You don’t have to
affirm it because I already know it to be true. What do you have to say for
yourselves?”
Neither of them spoke up. I didn’t either. Father was doing a bang-up job all
on his own.
“Since no one has anything to say, I’ll say this. What you’ve been doing to
Jungkook, the way you’ve been treating him…it’s sick. It’s evil and senseless
and it all stops now. I don’t know where you got the idea that it was okay, but
I’m saying to both you, it’s NOT okay. What you are doing is considered abuse,
do you even realize it? You’re abusing him!” The two of them looked at each
other briefly, and then at me before lowering their gaze. “ If I find out that
either of you is continuing these behaviors, if I even suspect it, things are
going to go for you the same way it went with your mother. I love you, but if I
have to explain to you why abuse is wrong, I don’t want you in my family.”
“Listen closely, because I’ll only say this once. I’ve been a shit father to
all of you. I’ve been absent for most of your lives, lost in my own head and
battling grief to the point that I didn’t see anything else. You two,” he
pointed at Jimin and Bogum, “I neglected you. I mistakenly believed that your
mother’s love was enough for you and focused all of my attention on Jungkook.
He didn’t ask me to do it, he didn’t want it at all because most of the time I
treated him as badly as you did, though for different reasons. Still, I put him
before you and it wasn’t right. It was unfair. I apologize for making you feel
like you didn’t matter or that you were a burden.”
“That’s…it’s okay, Dad,” Jimin said quietly.
“Bogum?”
“I…I guess I accept your apology. But that doesn’t mean that I’m okay with
this. I think it’s going to take time before everything sinks in.” He pushed
away his plate. “Maybe if you had spoken up sooner, things for all of us could
have changed. But after so many years of being taught, of seeing things one
way, it’s going to be very hard to see it differently.”
“I understand. I’m not expecting you three to start going on camping trips
together or having sleepovers in each others’ rooms. I just want you to
recognize that you’re not enemies. You are brothers…family. Just stop making
each other suffer. You don’t have to love each other to live peacefully.” And
you two should apologize for how you’ve treated him. Not now and not because I
said you should. I want you two to think long and hard about everything you’ve
ever done to him. See if you can remember a justifiable reason for your actions
or a single thing he did to deserve your treatment. If you can’t find any you
owe him an apology. A sincere one.”
“What about Mom?” Jimin asked. “You can’t expect us to just go along with
ostracizing her. If we have to live peacefully with Jungkook, shouldn’t you
make peace with her?”
“No. She’s done too much, there’s no rectifying it. I’ve already told her that
when Jungkook’s house arrest is over, I’m leaving. I’m finally going to divorce
her.” Their faces fell. “I don’t want to hurt you two, but honestly it’s hard
to even look at her without wanting to strangle her. If I were you, I wouldn’t
push for us to be in the same proximity; being in the same house with her is
too much as is. You’re adults so I can say this without any guilt whatsoever. I
hate her, simple as that.”
“So, this means that our family is ending?” Jimin asked. “Just like that, we’re
over?”
“It’s not being married to your mother or us living under the same roof that
makes us family, it’s our mutual love for one another. And we share a
bloodline, too. Even if I moved to the moon, I would still be your father; we
would still be family.”
“But…” I spoke up for the first time in a long while, “we don’t have a mutual
love for each other. None of you have given me a reason to care, let alone
love. So, how can we ever be a family?”
“Time. Patience. Effort. It’ll take all three of those things. But mostly,
I—all three of us if those two can let go of their hate—will have to earn your
trust. Give us a chance to prove that we can change; don’t shut us out because
it’s the easy thing to do. I know it has to be hard for you to have faith in
us…in me especially, but at least give me the chance to disappoint you.” He
smiled miserably. “I can’t fail or succeed if I don’t get the opportunity to
try, right?”
“Right…I guess so.” I picked up my fork and started picking at my food again;
the others did the same. The conversation ended naturally and everybody seemed
to be deep in their own thoughts.
I snuck a peek over at my father who seemed relaxed, a first for him in this
house, and I worried about how to approach this situation. I didn’t want to
break his heart and tell him that it was unlikely that the three of us would
ever see each other as brothers. With him things were different, so I was more
open to repairing our father/son relationship.
I had hated him because I mistook his treatment of me as something else. His
actions were lost in translation because we didn’t communicate. What he’d done
to me, though reprehensible and hurtful, was forgivable. His methods were
twisted, but I knew he loved me; it was an undeniable truth after spending one
day together. But Bogum and Jimin set out to hurt me, to cause me pain. They
enjoyed it. They laughed at my misery and reveled in my torture time and time
again, as recently as yesterday. And from the way this conversation ended they
didn’t seem too remorseful. The flimsy excuse for their behavior: not enough
attention and feeling unwanted. Didn’t those bastards make me feel the same
way? Didn’t they tell me every day that I didn’t belong and wasn’t a part of
the family? It didn’t make me start locking them in closets or tripping them as
they walked upstairs. It didn’t make me find ways to hurt them. What it did was
make me hate them. I utterly and completely hated them.
I couldn’t forgive them, they would never get that from me. But how would I
tell Father that?
As I pondered over my predicament, mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth, I
heard Jimin cough a bit. I looked up to see him red-faced and sweating. He
whispered to Bogum, "Is yours like extra spicy?"
It nearly killed me to hold in my laughter.
                                     *****
The house was still. It was quiet, but not that uncomfortable quiet that put me
on edge and made me sit up all night watching the door. It was calm. For once,
I was at peace.
After we finished eating, Father tasked the other two with cleaning up the
kitchen…something they had never done. I told him goodnight and hurried off,
not wanting to talk to him anymore. I was emotionally drained and I just
couldn’t handle anything else.
I took refuge in the shower, hoping for a relaxing time, but it was more
awkward than anything trying to keep my foot outside so the bandages didn’t get
wet. When I left the bathroom I could hear Mother Park crying as the other two
tried to convince her to eat. It would have been sad if any of those bastards
had a heart. I still couldn’t muster up any sympathy for them, so I pretended
to not hear a thing and went on about my business.
I laid in bed and listened to everyone settling down for the night. My father
stopped by for another quick goodnight, before going back down to his den to
chart. After that, I was left alone.
Now as I sat in front of the window gazing up at the endless inky expanse where
twinkling luminosities lent their light to our world. The moon was missing
tonight and the darkness was cumbersome, seeming to swallow everything up or
crush it.
I was at peace, but damn was I lonely. I held Taedy close, looking up at the
sky and wishing that a certain someone were here by my side. I wanted to tell
him everything that happened today, get his take on things because Tae was
smart…not just smart, but wise. He would offer great advice, I knew it, and he
would help me deal with not being able to forgive. He would comfort me and make
me forget about it all. He would stay with me until I felt better. He would do
everything that being a best friend entailed. A best friend…
I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see him. I wanted to thank him for
everything he said to make my father realize how much of an asshole, piece of
shit father he had been. I wanted to hug him and maybe kiss his cheek
affectionately like he liked. I wanted to love him and I wanted to feel his
love.
And as easy as it should have been for me to call, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to
cause trouble. I didn’t want to make Yoongi-hyung question if there were
anything more than friendship. I didn’t want to burden them.
So, I sat there in the darkness with Taedy pressed against my chest. He no
longer smelled like Tae, but somehow he still reminded of my love. I sat and
watched the sky, imagining that somewhere in the city Tae could look up and see
the same view. It made me feel closer to him.
I used my mind to telegraph messages to him.
                 Tae, it’s late and we should both be asleep.

                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
           Tae, take care of yourself since I’m not there to do it.
                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
                  Tae, don’t make Yoongi-hyung worry so much.
                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
             Tae, don’t make any of us who love you worry so much.
                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
    Tae, don’t ever leave me again because life kind of sucks without you.
                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
                         Tae…I miss you so damn much.
                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
                                Tae…I love you.
                                       *
                                       *
                                       *
                     Tae…please don’t ever stop loving me.
Chapter End Notes
     Okay, Sungmin and Jinkyong's story was sad. I didn't want to go to
     much into it because this isn't their tale, but I felt a little sorry
     for him. Not sorry enough to forget everything he'd done to Jungkook,
     but still pretty bad.
     Sungmin standing up to Dohui gave me mf'ing life. I wanted him to be
     harsher, but once that slap happened, I was like, Don't push too
     hard, Keishon. A woman getting slapped by a man might be a bit much.
     But then I was like, Dammit, Keishon! Stop being a pussy and just
     write it. I felt like it was just enough without going too far.
     At first I thought Sungmin should rip into Jimin and Bogum, but then
     I thought about how all bad behaviors are learned behaviors. No one
     is born into this world a bad person. I guess that makes me
     utilitarian, believing that we're all inherently good. I wanted to
     give Sungmin a chance to make things right with them because
     ultimately he and Dohui should share blame for what those two grew
     into. So I'm sorry if it disappoints you, but I felt it was the right
     thing to do.
     I was already proud of Sungmin when he put Dohui in her place, but he
     really earned my respect when he addressed his sons. He gave them the
     same message he gave her, but in a more loving way. It seems like he
     is sincere in trying to do better. But I highkey agree with Jungkook
     and Bogum. He should have just left. But I guess in his position,
     thinking clearly wasn't possible. If he's still grieving like this
     20-some odd years after Jinnie's death, I can't even imagine how bad
     it was for him back then.
     Poor Jungkook. I understand completely where he's coming from
     regarding giving his brothers a chance. I would be slow to trust,
     too.
     The ending broke me. I cried. I really and truly cried for Jungkook.
     I think he should have called, but I just couldn't write it.
     Up Next:
     Chapter 59 Title TBD :(
     Taehyung and Jungkook reunite. :)
***** U & Me...Me & U *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung reminisces; good news drives a wedge between Taegi; Taekook
     reunites; Taehyung gets much needed advice.
I could feel a dull, yet persistent current buzzing beneath my skin. My toes
wriggled restlessly as I sat there staring at the love of my life. I clasped my
hands tightly in my lap, body rigid as I tried to maintain my silence and not
disturb him. If I thought not seeing him for ten years was hell, being two feet
apart and unable to touch him or talk to him was worse. Yet there he sat, eyes
closed and focused as he chased inner peace while I sat there staring on in
agony.
Meditation was such a huge part of Yoongi’s process that I felt it was my duty
to be supportive and join in. He said it helped to know I was nearby so until
he was secure enough I would be right here, even if it was lowkey torture for
me. So, I sat quietly and watched him do his thing even though it was the last
thing I wanted to do.
Here’s the thing. Meditation could never work for someone like me. It was
effective for Yoongi because all of his problems were internal; mine weren’t. I
couldn’t deny that I had a lot of inner shit to deal with, but my main conflict
was with my Grandfather. I couldn’t just sit there for fifteen minutes in
silence and suddenly be okay with having a hot fire poker pressed against my
skin. I couldn’t shroud myself in darkness and confront my own mind because
that was the scariest place for me to be.
Additionally, my mind was so fractured, so broken, that trying to navigate it
was impossible. From the stuff my brain hid away for self-preservation to the
things I could remember but wanted to forget, meditation only served to act as
a reminder of the terrors of my past. It forced me to think and relive and
suffer even more. There was too much hurt locked away in up there and I was in
no way ready to face it all; I wouldn’t be able to function if I allowed all of
that to the forefront. I would break down and that was something I couldn’t
afford to do right now with Yoongi being like this and Jungkook being so far
away from me.
Lastly, I had spent too much of my life in seclusion with only my mind to keep
me company. Six years. I had spent six years alone with only Grandfather or
myself to talk to before Jin and Namjoon infiltrated our bubble. And even then
I kept them at a distance because I was too fearful that something would happen
to them because I cared for them. And then I was lucky enough to stumble upon
Jungkook and I hadn’t been alone since. For me, isolation was an unbearable
thing. I hated the stillness. I hated the dark. I hated not having the comfort
of human contact. All in all, meditation fucking sucked for me.
I had promised Yoongi that I wouldn’t keep things from him, but I could not
tell him this. I could not tell him that I had woken up the last three nights
in a row in a cold sweat, breath trapped in my lungs with a silent scream
lingering on my lips while he slept soundly in my arms. I couldn’t burden him
with something as silly as my nightmares; he needed me right now and I wanted
him to know that he could trust me to be there. He had taken such good care of
me when we were younger that it was only fair that I return the favor.
But it was so much more than just paying a long overdue debt. The main thing
was that I wanted to take care of him; I wanted to help him as much as I could
and I didn’t want to halt his progress by making him worry about me. I would
tell him when he was in a good enough place to receive it.
Instead of meditating, I used the time to appreciate the view. My Yogi was
something to look at and I would never tire of it. It still amazed me how
handsome he was and the fact that he was all mine still seemed unbelievable to
me. I had loved him my entire life and I could still recall clearly the very
moment I realized he loved me back.
Instead of letting my mind drag me to a bunch of places I had no desire to
revisit, I let myself get lost in memories of me and young Yoongi.
                                     *****
Taehyung watched from his seat on the soft grass as Yoongi pulled off another
effortless yet astounding, ankle-breaker that left his defender coughing,
confused, and splayed on the ground still trying to figure out what had
happened. Yoongi never gave the guy he left behind a second thought as he
drilled his way to the basket and executed a flawless layup.
Boisterous cheers went up from the crowd lining the court’s perimeter and it
wasn’t long before they charged forward to congratulate the winning team. He
saw them hoist the team, including his hyung, up on their shoulders as they
cheered and screamed in elation. The team egged the crowd on, whipping them
into a frenzy.
Taehyung smiled softly over at his hyung, face pink as pride and affection
overtook him. Yoongi sat upon a human throne, his fans chanting his name as
they carried him. With his lovely face upturned to clear, sunny sky and arms
raised in a triumphant ‘v’, Yoongi perfectly fit the image of a champion.
Taehyung’s chest burned with a fierce love for his hyung despite knowing that
it was wrong to have such feelings. He loved him so much, so dearly, that he
sat baking in the sun and watched a game he had no interest in just because his
hyung asked him to. If it was for Yoongi, it was worth it.
Knowing that it would be impossible to make his way over and offer
congratulations, Taehyung tossed his books into his bag and wandered off,
completely missing when the elder frantically scanned the crowd for him and
upon not seeing him, fought his way down from his seat atop the crowd. He set
out in search of a fountain, hoping that Yoongi would find him when he was
ready.
“Hey! Kang Taehyung!”
He turned to see a girl running towards him. He knew they were in the same
year, but they were in different classes. He couldn’t remember her name, but
she was very cute. “Oh…hi.”
She finally made it, chest heaving as she held a hand to it trying hard to get
a hold of her breathing. “Lee…Lee Haewon...” she said, slightly out of breath.
“I saw you sitting over there watching the game. The sun is beaming out here
and I thought you might get overheated, so…”she held out a drink, “you should
drink some. I only have one so we can share it if you want.”
“How thoughtful. Thanks!” he answered happily as he accepted the drink. “It
really is hot out here and I didn’t think to bring something for myself.” He
popped the tab and took a long swallow. “So, what did you think of the game?”
“Oh…well…I didn’t really watch the game. I don’t really like sports.”
“Really? My hyung is obsessed with basketball. He drags me to these games to
watch him play, but I’m not much of a sports fan either.”
“Wow, we have something in common.” She smiled so brightly and openly that
Taehyung found himself blushing at the attention. “I wonder what else…what do
you like to do?”
He nervously took another long swig. “Uh…reading? And studying, too, I guess. I
really like gardening and volunteering. And I love animals.”
“We like a lot of the same things. We definitely should be friends.”
“I would like that a lot. I have a lot of friends, but none of them are willing
to brave the sun for something like basketball.”
“Will you come to every game this summer?”
“Since my hyung’s playing I’ll definitely be here. It’s his last year in this
league before he enters high school, his last summer to have fun and play
around, so I’m sure he won’t miss a game.”
“That’s great! We can keep each other company.”
“Okay.” They stood awkwardly, neither knowing what to say next. “Would you like
to walk with me? I’m just killing time until my hyung shows up. Maybe we can
find some shade around here.”
“Sure,” she said, smiling shyly. “And can I have a sip? It’s really hot…”
“I’m sorry. I forgot.” He laughed awkwardly as he held out the can towards her.
Her hand was just about to close around it when it was snatched from both their
grips.
“Thanks,” Yoongi grumbled. He guzzled the whole drink before dropping the can
to the ground and crushing it under his foot. He picked it up and then handed
the trash to the now frowning girl. He draped an arm around Taehyung’s shoulder
and scowled at her. “Who is this, Tae?” he asked, trying to mask his irritation
with curiousity.
With a strained smile she answered, “I’m in Kang Taehyung’s year. My name is
Lee…”
He rudely cut her off, stepping directly in front of his dongsaeng to isolate
her from the conversation. “Tae, did you see that crossover and that layup?” he
asked grinning. “Game-winning shot. We’re going for pizza to celebrate, so
let’s go.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung warned, noticing the girl’s dejected expression. “Don’t…”
“What?” he asked innocently. “We’re done here, right?” He looked over his
shoulder, scowling again. “You’re still here?” he asked rudely, as if he
weren’t the one who barged into their conversation.
“I guess I’ll see you around, Kang Taehyung,” the girl said sadly. She didn’t
address or acknowledge the elder at all, trudging away.
Yoongi moved back to Taehyung’s side and possessively wrapped an arm around his
shoulders. The younger stared after the fleeing girl, much to Yoongi’s
disappointment. “Great. Thanks a lot, hyung.” He shrugged the arm from his
shoulder and stormed off after her. Yoongi looked on angrily as Taehyung caught
up to the girl and though he couldn’t hear anything, he knew that Taehyung was
apologizing. He’d seen it countless times and it was always on his behalf. He
watched them talk and cringed when the girl genuinely laughed and Taehyung
offered a smile. There were a few more exchanges before the two separated, the
girl waving happily as Taehyung made his way back to his hyung. “Ready to go?”
he asked.
“Yeah…whatever,” Yoongi huffed. He grabbed Tae’s hand and dragged him away from
the park.
They had traveled for several minutes at full speed and in complete silence.
Taehyung was the first to try and end the awkwardness. “Don’t we have to meet
with your friends to celebrate?”
“Maybe next time,” Yoongi answered, tersely. “I don’t want to be around anyone
else right now.”
“Yogi-hyung, what’s wrong? I can tell you’re upset but I don’t know why.”
“That girl…you know what she was up to, right?”
“Up to? She wasn’t up to anything. We’re classmates and she asked if we could
be friends. Why are you mad when I’m the one who should be angry?”
“Then why aren’t you?” he challenged.
“Because I can never really be angry with you, hyung. You know that. Also,
because I know that you wouldn’t behave like that without a reason. So,
enlighten me hyung. How could you be so rude to someone who only wanted to be
my friend? I’ve never been that way with anybody you brought around me, even
when…” He stopped himself, voice suddenly growing emotional. “Why did you act
like that?”
“It’s…nothing. “Yoongi shook his head dismissively before mumbling under his
breath, “Too trusting and innocent. Maybe it’s because he’s still a kid that he
didn’t realize…” He squeezed Taehyung’s hand and smiled at him. “Nevermind, it
doesn’t matter. You want to grab a cone?”
“Don’t do that, don’t try to distract me. You were mean to her, hyung. I know
you wouldn’t act that way for no reason at all, so tell me…what was she up to?
What did you see that I didn’t?”
“Shit…” he looked around for a good spot, then dragged Taehyung over to a bench
in the shade. He plopped down, tugging Taehyung down right beside him. He did
not let go of his hand. “Tae, that girl didn’t want to be your friend. I saw
her sitting near you with a bunch of like-minded giggling idiots eyeing you the
entire game.”
“So what?” Taehyung said shrugging. “Girls are always giggling and she told me
that she doesn’t really like sports. It makes sense that she didn’t pay
attention to the game. I don’t see the big deal and I’m even more confused as
to why you were so rude to her.”
Yoongi stared at him, trying to determine whether the younger was serious. He
gave an exasperated sigh when he realized his dongsaeng had no idea what was
happening. “She ogled you all day and then chased you down when you left. Even
though they had a whole cooler of beverages, she only grabbed one to bring over
to you.” He stared at Taehyung waiting on recognition to kick in. “Don’t you
understand why she wanted to share a drink?”
“Because she only had one at that time?”
“Tae, she wanted to steal a kiss from you!”
“What?”
“That’s why I took the drink before she could and drank it all. She was
planning to steal an indirect kiss and I wasn’t about to let it happen.”
Taehyung pulled his hand from Yoongi’s grip and pushed him away. “Are you
serious? That’s why you were such a monster to her?” He shook his head in
judgment. “You overreacted. I’ve seen you do far worse than drink after someone
with Jisu and several others, so what gives you the right to interfere?”
“Tae, the person you give your first kiss to should be someone for whom you
have genuine feelings.”
“So, you genuinely cared for every person you ever kissed?”
“That’s not…” He seemed flustered for some reason. “It’s not the same for you
as it is for me. Also, I didn’t like the way she tried to deceive you. As your
hyung it’s my job to look out for you.”
“And if she had asked me directly to kiss her, what would you have done then?
Would you have butted in?”
“What?” He spluttered, “Th-then…then…you’re not ready for that yet. You’re much
too young to be kissing anybody, Kang Taehyung!”
“You’ve only lived two years longer than me, you can’t say that I’m too young.
No matter her intentions, she didn’t deserve to be treated like that, hyung.
She was nice to me and I liked her.”
“You…wait, you liked her?”
“Of course! Why else would I have talked to her?”
“Oh…I see. Then, I’m sincerely sorry. I didn’t know you liked her, too.”
“I do, that’s why I had to apologize. She and I have a lot in common and it’s
going to be nice to have someone to sit with during the games. I told her I
would bring the drinks next time and she promised she would help me cheer for
you.”
“Ah, that’s nice,” Yoongi said quietly, seemingly distracted. “I’ll apologize
to her the next time I see her. But,” he grabbed Taehyung’s hand again, and
looked him directly in the eyes. “What if there’s someone out there waiting for
you, Tae? Maybe you’ve met them, maybe you haven’t. Maybe you’ve known them
your whole life. Maybe that person has been waiting a very long time for you to
grow up and has become impatient…”
“Yogi-hyung?” Taehyung fell victim to those dark eyes, as per usual, and
couldn’t silent the raucous thrumming of his heartbeat in his ears. It was
loud…so loud as he openly gazed at his hyung and gripped the hand holding his.
“Just…don’t be so quick to give up your first kiss, okay? When the person
you’re meant to be with shows up, how wonderful would it be to have saved it
for them? You shouldn’t waste it on some silly girl whose name you won’t
remember in a year. It should be special and reserved for someone you love.”
“Hyung,” Tae said, hiding a smile. “I never said I wanted to give up my first
kiss to Haewon.”
“But you said you like her.”
“I do. She’s friendly and nice. I think she’ll make a good enough friend.”
“Friend?” He sounded confused. “But, you didn’t care if she drank after you.
You didn’t care about the indirect kiss she tried to sneak.”
“Of course I don’t care. In case you didn’t notice, it’s hot out here! I really
wanted that drink.” Taehyung laughed loudly at Yoongi’s bewildered expression.
“We share drinks all the time, hyung. Are you saying that you’ve been kissing
me this whole time?” He watched as Yoongi went red and looked away. Seeing
Yoongi react that way, re-examining the argument, and replaying the scene with
Haewon in his head, Taehyung could only draw one conclusion…maybe his crush
wasn’t as one-sided as he originally thought. “Hyung, you shouldn’t worry so
much about who my first kiss will go to, I already know. I’ve known forever
now. That person is stubborn and an idiot sometimes but my mind is made up. I
won’t make the first move though, so I think I’ll have to wait a while.”
“The idea of you kissing anybody is just…I hate hearing your name and that word
in the same sentence. I’m so not ready for that, Tae-Tae.” He stood and tugged
the younger to his feet. “I want to forget this entire conversation ever
happened.”
“Okay, my Yogi. But you should know that the person I’m set on is a boy. The
next time a girl talks to me you’ll know not to freak out so much.” Taehyung
couldn’t hold in his smile; Yoongi grimaced.
“So, it’s just the dicks that I have to scare off then…” Yoongi muttered.
“Did you say something?” Taehyung asked, even though he had heard it clearly.
“Nah.”
                                     *****
Yoongi gave me the Taijitu necklace the very next year, as well as my very
first real kiss. He was absolutely right about how good it felt to wait for a
person I cared about, although the advice was unnecessary; I hadn’t planned on
kissing anyone but him anyway. From then on and up until the day everything in
my life went to shit, our nights were filled with earth-shaking kisses, warm
embraces, and loving touches. Although he never let things go too far, those
nights with Yoongi were some of the hottest and most memorable nights of my
life.
A gentle press of the sweetest, softest lips I ever tasted yanked me from my
reverie. Though it was light, quick, and as innocent as it could be, it was
enough to send me into a stupor. He pulled away, expression amused with just of
hint of self-satisfaction. “You idiot…” he said shaking his head, “you didn’t
even feel the nose flick. How is it that you’re still like this as an adult?”
“Hmm?” was all I could manage as I smiled drunkenly at him.
He laughed. “What were you thinking about?”
“You.”
“What about me?”
“How crazy you were when people tried to get close to me.” I giggled.
“Particularly the summer after I finished primary when you had a fit over
Haewon…that’s how I knew that you liked me, too. There was no way in hell you
saw me as only a brother when you were so jealous.”
He scoffed. “Me jealous? I was never jealous, Tae. I had no reason to be when
you were already mine.” He stood and went into a stretch, joints popping
crazily. “Besides, you were whipped for me, too.”
“But you didn’t know that then and you were a total jerk to anybody who got too
close to me.”
Yoongi bent over and helped me to my feet. “My brain didn’t know but my heart
did, love. I believe it’s how I was strong enough to hold in my feelings for so
long. Well, that and the fact that I made sure the entire fucking school knew
that you were off limits.” He chuckled, holding me steady. “It also helped a
lot that you only had eyes for me.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and
nuzzled my ear.
I giggled happily. “Eyes, lips, nose, hands, feet, elbows, pinky toes…” I
linked my arms around his neck.
“All of it…all of you, for me.”
“Damn right,” I agreed, capturing his lips. I could feel his smile through the
kiss and his happiness was infectious. I resolved to tell him about the
nightmares later…much later so that I didn’t ruin this upswing he was on. I was
strong enough to bear it forever if necessary; for him, I could do anything.
His hands had just slipped under the loose shirt that I wore when there was a
loud knock at the door. “I heard the timer go off minutes ago. What are you two
up to in there? Tae-baby, come out. Breakfast is here and I really want to see
you.”
“Ugh…not only is she a hag, but a cockblocker, too,” Yoongi complained.
“You can’t talk about Eomma like that,” I reprimanded, grinning like crazy.
“I’m going to tell her exactly what you said. You know that right?”
“I already heard him,” Eomma Yun yelled through the door. “If he keeps it up he
won’t have a cock to block.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes and pushed me away playfully. “My husband is a traitor.”
“I still love you the most,” I stage-whispered.
“Eomma, did you hear that? Tae said he loves me more than you,” he called out.
“Didn’t hear a single thing. You need to get more sleep kid, you’re delusional.
Now come out or I’m coming in!” A loud bang rattled the door in its frame.
I laughed and grabbed Yoongi’s hand. “We really should get out there before she
knocks it down.” He groaned as I pulled him towards the door and opened it.
Surprisingly, Eomma wasn’t there.
“I guess our honeymoon had to end eventually,” he grumbled.
“Honeymoon, my ass. You haven’t even asked me properly, you jerk,” I lamented.
“I told you a plan is already in the works. You’ll see.”
We emerged into the brightness of the living room to find Eomma and Appa
already with plates in hand. They had taken over the sofa, a person-sized space
between them. I let go of Yoongi and carefully stepped around Seung Gi’s long
legs and plopped down between the two of them. I laid my head on Eomma’s
shoulder and clung to Appa’s shirt with the tips of my fingers, happy to have
them close to me again. I felt strong fingers raking my scalp and I practically
purred my pleasure. “I really missed you two. Don’t stay away for so long
again, I don’t care what hyung says.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Yoongi called from the kitchen. “His brains are still
addled and he doesn’t know any better. And give me the key back. It’s supposed
to be for emergencies, not for you to use at your whim because you have zero
patience, you crazy old hag.”
“Like what he says matters. It’s not like anyone came to see that bastard
anyway,” Eomma Yun complained. Seung Gi bellowed a booming laugh and I could
hear Yoongi angrily tossing things into the sink. “How are you feeling,
sweetheart.”
“Much better.”
“You look like you’re healing well. Is Yoongi taking good care of you?”
“We’re trying our best to take good care of each other.” I looked over to make
sure he was still out of earshot and lowered my voice to a whisper. “He’s
sleeping so well and he’s been eating without me asking him to. He’s very
strict with his meds and hasn’t missed a dosage. Meditation is helping him a
lot, too.” I beamed in the general direction of where I supposed he stood. “My
hyung is the best. I guess I have the two of you to thank for how great he is.”
“He grew up great in spite of us,” Eomma admitted and we all laughed lightly.
Yoongi finally rejoined us balancing two plates with one arm and carrying a
glass of water in the other. He set the glass on a coaster and then handed one
of the plates to Eomma, who placed it in my lap. He then took a seat on the
floor on the other side of the table. I frowned down at the food, two muffins
and some fruit, not really hungry but knowing that Yoongi would fuss over me if
I didn’t eat it. I picked up a muffin and took a bite.
Seung Gi slid Yoongi’s phone across the table towards him.“Your phone has been
buzzing like crazy since we got here. I think you should check it…could be
important.”
Yoongi grunted, his mouth full of food. He leaned forward and grabbed up the
phone. His eyes went wide as he dialed a number and put the phone on speaker.
When someone on the other end picked up, Yoongi immediately greeted them with,
“Griffin. Wilson. You have news for us?” We all went quiet, freezing in place.
“Good morning to you, too,” Wilson greeted, sounding amused. “Yeah, I’m doing
well. Worked my ass off for the last few days for an unappreciative asshole,
but hey, that’s life, right?”
“Ignore him,” Griffin advised. “He’s an idiot.”
“No, he’s right. I’m sorry but we’ve all been worried about the kid and want
him back here with us where he belongs,” Yoongi said with sincerity. I couldn’t
have been more proud of him. “The sooner he gets out of that house the better.”
“Is right now soon enough for you?”
“Yes!” I yelled out.
“Is that Taehyung I hear?”
“Yes and my parents are here as well. You’re on speaker.” We all exchanged
brief hellos. “So, what’s going on.”
“Looks like the case was tossed out right before COB yesterday, but we were out
on a call. The order was waiting in our inbox when we came in this morning. All
of the charges were dropped so we’re headed over there now to take off his
ankle monitor.”
I jumped up from my seat, plate tumbling to the floor. “No. Come here first
please. If it’s okay with you two, I’d like to be there when you get him.”
“Can you be ready to go within the next ten minutes or so?”
“I’m already heading out to get ready. I’ll meet you at the curb.” I didn’t
wait to hear the rest of the call, I left for the room as quickly as I could
manage and started grabbing clothes. I hurried into the shower and cleaned the
parts of me that weren’t bandaged in record time. When I stepped out and
grabbed my towel, Yoongi was leaning in the doorway waiting for me. “Yogi-
hyung.”
“By I need to be there, did you mean you by yourself?” he asked quietly. “As
in, without me?”
“I did. It’s something I want to do on my own.” I grabbed a towel and dried
off.
“Maybe we can prepare something to welcome him back. I can call Namjoon and
Seokjin over and we can do lunch or something. Will you bring him back here?”
“Eventually, but I want some time alone with him first. You should plan
something for dinner instead.”
“Alone time…yeah. Okay.” He peeled himself from the wall. “You and the kid and
time alone until dinnertime.”
“Hyung,” I started towards him, but he held out a hand and barred me from
getting close. “My Yogi?”
“Don’t…you don’t have to call me that to butter me up. I understand. I don’t
like it, but I understand.” He turned to leave and I gave chase, grabbing him
by the arm when I finally caught up to him. He shook himself free of my grasp
and stared me down.
“Do you truly understand or is that something you’re saying just to keep from
snapping?” I wrapped the towel around my waist and tucked in the end. “You’re
scowling at me and your whole body is rigid. If you’re angry just say that
you’re angry. You’re allowed to go off on me if you want to, I can take it.
Bottling up your feelings for my sake does you more harm than it does good. Say
what you have to say, I won’t judge you and I won’t get upset. Let it out.”
“I’m not angry, frustrated is a better word.”
“Frustrated…right. So frustrated that you won’t let me near you. So, frustrated
that I can’t touch you. Fine, call it whatever you want.” I left him standing
there and started to get dressed. “If we’re not going to be honest then there’s
no need to discuss it any further.”
“I’m trying here, Taehyung, I really am. I’ve been very vocal about how I feel
regarding this relationship between you two. Compared to where I was a few days
ago, I think I’m doing pretty damn good. I can respect the friendship, I can
tolerate the I love yous, but is this how our relationship is going to be? You
running off to baby him every five minutes and leaving me behind? You choosing
him over me? He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need you to take care of him. This
situation feels a lot like I’m sharing you with him and I don’t like it!” His
raised voice surprised the both of us. “Shit, I guess I am angry.”
“You are sharing me with him, just like you have to share me with Eomma, Appa,
and my cousins. As much as I would love to be solely yours, completely wrapped
up and surrounded by all things Min Yoongi, life doesn’t work that way. I love
him, hyung, and I know that it’s not necessary for me to take care of him but I
want to. He’s my best friend and he’s in this mess because of me. I just want
to see him and make sure he’s okay. And I still have to apologize in person for
hurting him, for making him cry and getting him involved with my family drama.
I want to be there for him because I haven’t been able to when he needed me
most. I want to comfort him and spend time with him as his friend. That’s it.
There’s no need for you to be there when it’s something personal between him
and me.”
“I don’t see why I can’t come along if you have nothing to hide," he grumbled
angrily. "Tae, I want to be there...need to be there with you.”
“Why? What purpose would it serve other than you working yourself up and seeing
things that aren’t there? How can I give him a real apology if I have to mince
my words or limit my actions because I’m worried the entire time whether
something I say or do will offend you?” I jammed my arms into the sleeves of my
shirt before making my way to him. “Yoongi-hyung, you are my entire world and
you know that. But this is about making things right with Jungkook and it has
nothing to do with you.” I cradled his face with my palms. “I told you before
that I don’t mind reassuring you, I’ll tell you over and over again how much I
love you. I’ll say it until you get tired of hearing it. You have nothing to
worry about.” I gave him a gentle peck on the lips. “Jungkook is not a threat
to what we have.”
“I know…” he sighed softly. “I know and I hear you, Tae. I’ve heard you say it
again and again and it helps a lot. But now you have access to him. You two
have a home together and Jungkook is very forthcoming when it comes to his
feelings. He’s not giving up on you.” He helped me button my shirt. “What if
something rekindles between you two? What if something happens? Your
relationship with him was easier to deal with when I knew you two had no choice
but to stay away from each other.”
“What I’m hearing is that you don’t trust me, hyung. Am I wrong?”
“I’m trying, love. I’m really trying, but it’s hard.”
“It’s okay. I get it,” I said as I embraced him. I thought he and I were making
real progress, but it seemed like we were right back where we started. I knew
that it wouldn’t be easy to be with him, he’d warned me. But seeing him like
this, insecure and needy and sad; I didn’t want to be the one responsible for
making him feel those things. “Should I just not go to him? Would that be
better?”
“No, don’t do that. I think he really needs to see you,” he mumbled into my
chest. “It’s just the idea of you two alone together. You’re overly
affectionate and he’s too…” he stepped out of my embrace. “Tae, he’s
manipulative. I like the kid, he’s like my brother now, but I haven’t forgotten
the crap he pulled in Vegas. He says he’s trying to change, I can tell he’s
trying hard, but what if he reverts to his old ways and tries to take
advantage?”
“Hyung, he can only get away with what I allow. He knows where we stand. We’re
friends and nothing more that. And Jungkook wouldn’t take advantage of me.”
“You mean, take advantage of you again. He did it before, remember?” he
shouted. “Or are we ignoring that like we ignore every other bad thing he
does?”
I stayed cool because I didn't want to fight with him. “He regretted it and
apologized. I’ve forgiven him already and he’s learned from his mistakes,
hyung.”
“I’m not letting you go by yourself. That’s final.”
“I can’t show up there with you on my arm! I refuse to hurt him more by shoving
what we have down his throat. The way you and I are when we’re together, it’s
something that can’t be hidden. It would be insensitive to him, right? Hasn’t
he gone through enough because of me?”
“In other words his feelings are more important than mine and to hell with what
I need and what I feel if it makes Jungkook uncomfortable, is that it?”
“ This is sounding more and more like an argument instead of a discussion and
I’m not going to fight with you, Yoongi. You know that’s not it at all. I just
want to spend a little time alone with him as his friend. If you won't ask me
to stay away from him, I only see one other solution and I hate even thinking
it.” I took him by the hand and led him to the bed, forcing him to sit next to
me. “Until you can get a better handle on your emotions, we can end this and
just go on as friends for now. I love only you, I want only you, and I hate
waiting but I will if that’s what you need. Is that what you want? Do you need
more time to decide if this is what you want?” He stared at me. “Whatever you
want, that’s what I’ll do. I love you more than life itself, hyung, and all I
want is for you to be okay. Whichever works best for you, tell me. Tell me and
I’ll do it.”
“End this? Are you serious? You would really…you would just let me go? Just
like that?” he chided. “You would just step aside and not fight for me?”
“I wouldn’t want to, hyung, but if it’s what’s best for you I would. Yogi-hyung
I told you that you’re it for me. Even if we weren’t together I wouldn’t want
to be with anybody else. I’ll love you the same a year from now, ten years from
now. I’ll wait forever if that’s how long it takes for you to learn to trust
me.”
His face was totally blank as he stared at me and honestly I was afraid of what
he would say. “Don’t ever let bullshit like that leave your lips again, Kim
Taehyung. If you ever let go of me that easily I would never forgive you.”
“I never said it would be easy, hyung.” I stood and slipped my feet into the
nearest shoes, not caring if they matched or not. “But I’ll do just about
anything for you.”
“You won’t let me come along.”
“I’m begging you to be more understanding. Flaunting our relationship in his
face when he’s still trying to recover is cruel. But if you want me to stay
away from him, just say it. All you have to do is ask me.”
“I would never do that because I don’t want you to stay away from him. I just
want to be there to watch him.”
“Stop being like this and see me off properly, hyung. I don’t want to leave you
alone while you’re upset.”
“I...can’t. I know I’m being stubborn, but I’m too pissed.”
“Okay,” I resigned. “I’ll have my phone with me. Call me at any time for
whatever reason. I’ll answer.”
“You’re really going to leave?” he asked, brow raised.
“I am. You’re really going to let me leave without saying goodbye?” He didn’t
answer and after a while I left.
Leaving him sitting there with all of his unresolved feelings was the hardest
thing ever, but there was really nothing I could say that would fix what was
wrong. It was something he would have to work through on his own. Maybe a
little time apart would allow him some perspective and he could calm down.
In a hushed voice, I explained what happened to Eomma and Appa as quickly as I
could before asking them to look after him. They assured me they would watch
him closely and kissed me goodbye, sending Jungkook their love. Before the door
closed shut behind me, I was running.
Even though it hurt like hell, I pushed my distress over Yoongi aside and ran
towards Jungkook.
                                     *****
I tapped my foot nervously as we waited for someone to come to the door.
Griffin and Wilson didn’t bother to hide their amusement at my impatience,
teasing me and laughing; eventually, I ended up laughing right along with them.
It helped me relax a bit.
I wore the brightest smile I could manage, expecting to see Jungkook as soon as
the door opened. When it finally did and it was his father standing there
instead, I felt the corners turning downward. It was with a menacing scowl that
I said, “Park Sungmin, are we well met?
“We are indeed,” he said smiling.
“The last time we met…” I began before I was cut off.
“Don’t worry, he and I are working on it. You and I are meeting as two people
who love my son very much.” He opened the door wide and waved us in. “Come in,
please.”
I didn’t trust him yet but decided not to cause trouble. We all followed him
inside as he made small talk. I ignored most of their exchanges, too focused on
catching a glimpse of one Jeon Jungkook. It wasn’t until I felt a tap on my
shoulder that I gave the three men my attention. “I said he’s upstairs,” Mr.
Park repeated, smiling kindly. “He’s been sleeping in late the past few days. I
think it’s about time for him to wake up, don’t you?”
“Where…which room is his?”
“Just go up the stairs and down the hall. His door is the only one closed on
the left.”
“Ah…okay.” I didn’t waste time on words, making my way to and up the stairs in
what seemed like the blink of an eye. When I finally stood in front of his
door, that annoying prickling beneath my eyelids started up to alert me of
looming tears. Though the feeling was unpleasant, the tears were welcomed
because I knew they would be born from elation.
There was no dramatic hesitation or the slightest pause, I turned that knob so
hard and fast I was surprised when it didn’t fall off. I stepped into the room
and the very first thing I saw, the only thing I wanted to see was right in
front of me. He was still sound asleep in his bed, back facing the door and
buried deep within the covers.
That first tear pushed its way through as I smiled at the sight of him. I
quietly made my way over, feet moving too slow for my liking, and stood gazing
down at him. His head was half-buried under a pillow and most of his body was
lost under the blankets and sheets, but I noticed the bear I’d gotten him
poking out from under his neck. I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick pic
because it was such an adorable sight, and a rare one since soft Jungkook
hardly showed himself.
I climbed onto the bed and didn’t bother to do it gently since I was going to
wake him up anyway. I slowly dragged the pillow out of the way; he grumbled in
his sleep and rolled over onto his stomach. I could finally see his face and I
didn’t like what I saw at all. Those bastards must have really hurt him if
there were still bruises. Seeing him like this strengthened my resolve to bring
Kim Taesuk to his knees.
I propped myself up on an elbow and leaned down until I hovered over his face.
“Jeon Jungkookie. Don’t you think it’s time you drag yourself out of bed? It’s
almost noon.” I brushed his hair back from his forehead. “Don’t you want to
wake up and greet your hyung?” I traced the yellowish shadow marring his cheek.
“That bastard did this to you…” I said sadly. “Because of me you were in even
more pain. I’m so sorry, babe.” I moved in and placed a loving kiss on the
bruise; Jungkook smiled and hummed in his sleep. “Can you hear me, Kookie? Wake
up.”
He groaned while reaching out for me and mumbled a string of nearly incoherent
words, including too early and second shift in two hours. I giggled and let him
pull me closer. “Ten more minutes,” he whispered, as he tugged me down until I
was trapped beneath his muscular arm and pressed his forehead against mine.
I laughed again. “But the sooner you wake up the sooner we can leave. Don’t you
want to go home?”
“Taehyung…” he breathed happily, albeit groggily. “Tae, you’re here.” His grip
on me grew tighter as he frowned. “Stay-hyung. I didn’t get to say it last
time, but don’t leave, okay? ”
“I won’t…not without you. Now open your eyes and greet me properly.”
He nuzzled into the side of my neck. “No. You won’t be here if I open my eyes.”
“You’re brave enough to refuse me? You don’t trust your hyung?” I asked
playfully. “Open your eyes, Kookie, or I’ll drag your ass out of bed. I want to
hug you but I can’t like this. I’m gonna die if you aren’t in my arms in the
next minute. 59…58…57…”
“Hyung?” There was a lot of movement under his eyelids as he tried to wake
himself. I kept counting, smiling when I saw his eyelids flutter open, then
close again as he cringed away from the brightness of the room, then open again
seeking me out with his eyes. “Tae?” he asked, clearly confused. He squeezed me
again as if he were testing to see if I was real. “Tae?”
“I’m still counting and you aren’t in my arms yet, Kookie. I’m dying here. 43…”
“TAE!!!” He clambered on top of me and I wrapped him up, holding him tightly to
my chest. “It’s you! You’re here, you’re really here!” he cried into my neck.
“You came for me.”
He was heavy but I didn’t mind too much. I felt a flash of fire on my back as
it pressed into the mattress and everything inside me throbbed in protest, but
having Jungkook in my arms again was all the medicine I needed at the moment.
“I did. Are you ready to go home?”
“Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…” he chanted contentedly. It went on for a while
and I didn’t dare stop him. I could feel moisture building on my neck and knew
that he was crying, so I rubbed soothing circles into his back and let him get
it all out. “Please. Let’s go home now, hyung…together,” he begged. “Just you
and me, okay? Just us…let’s go home. I want to go home and it’s not that if
you’re not there,” he sobbed.
It took a few minutes for him to calm down and somehow I managed to keep
control of myself and not break down. “We’ll go home together, I promise. But
first, we have to get you out of this house. We need to pack your stuff and you
have to get dressed…”
“I never unpacked, I just have to grab everything. I want to get up and get
ready, but I don’t want to leave you. What if you’re not here when I get back,”
he asked. He finally slid off of me so that he could see me better. “Tae?
Oh…shit…your face!” He hesitantly reached out with shaky fingers, face set in a
fear-inducing grimace. “I’m going to fucking kill him, hyung. I’m going to kill
him so that he never touches you again, I swear. It wasn’t this bad when I left
you…fuck, it wasn’t this bad, hyung.” He traced the scars and bruises tenderly.
“It’s my fault, isn’t it? If I was able to get you out that night…if I wasn’t
such a dumbass and hadn’t gotten caught this would have never happened. I’m so
sorry, Tae. I’m sorry.”
“You have no reason to apologize. I’m the one who is sorry. I hate that you got
hurt because of me. I hate that Kim Taesuk came after you and decided to fuck
up your life. I’m so sorry, Kookie.”
“Don’t you dare apologize to me when it’s not your fault. The only person I
blame is Kim Taesuk and that sick fuck is going to get exactly what he
deserves.”
“He will, there’s no question about that. But my question for you is why are we
still in this bed?”
He shot up, eyes wide and wild. He grabbed my hands, frowning at the bandage,
and tugged gently. “Let’s go, hyung. Now.” He pulled me from the bed and I
practically flew into him because of how much stronger he was than me at the
moment. We were nearly nose to nose, studying each other's faces closely. "You
haven't been sleeping well..." he said softly.
I stiffened. I could never hide anything from him and should have known he
would notice. "The nightmares. They disappeared for a while but I think they've
come back with a vengeance," I half-joked. "You know how I get and I haven't
told Yoongi about them yet because he's dealing with his own stuff. I'm trying
to deal with on my own."
He pulled me into his arms and placed loving kisses all over my face. "Hyung,
it's going to be okay. I'm here now."
I relaxed in his arms, happy to finally have my light back. "I know and I'm so
happy, Kookie. You have no idea how much I've missed you."
"I missed you, too. Let's not ever do this again, okay? Staying away for this
long...it was painful."
"Never again." I held on to him, a little scared he would vanish. "I promise,
never again for that long."
                                     *****
We both waved goodbye to our detective friends as they drove away and then
turned to face the door. Jungkook twisted the key in the lock, smiling over at
me as I held onto his arm. “Why does this feel like such a significant moment?”
he asked.
“I don’t know. But it does, doesn’t it?” I let my head fall onto his shoulder.
“We’re finally home.”
“Home…together,” he whispered in an awed voice, turning the knob and pushing
the door open. We both stood there grinning at each other. “Shall we go in,
hyung?”
“Yeah. Let’s get inside.”
He picked up his box, he had thrown his small bag on top because he didn’t want
me carrying anything in my condition…he was almost as busted up as I was, but I
didn’t argue with him. All I wanted was to keep the smile on his face. “Ah,
home sweet home,” he announced as we crossed over the threshold in sync. He
kicked the door shut behind us and dropped his box. “It feels like I haven’t
been here in forever.”
“It’s been even longer for me,” I said looking around, nearly overwhelmed by
nostalgia. “Everybody thought it was best that I stay away in case Grandfather
came searching for me.”
“Then why are we here?” he asked worriedly. “If you’re in danger by being
here…”
“Don’t worry about me, Kookie. I’m not afraid at all. If he or his minions show
their faces here they’ll leave in body bags. They pushed my patience too far
when they hurt you…I won’t let them leave my sight still breathing.” I gave his
shoulder a gentle pat. “I will protect you no matter what.”
“And I will protect you, too.”
“I know. That’s another reason why I’m not afraid.” I smiled at him. “So, we’re
home and it’s around lunchtime. What do you want to do?”
“Anything, as long as we do it together.”
“Scary movie or anime?”
“Scary movie. And popcorn. And can we order pizza and wings?”
“Sounds like a plan. I left my wallet behind at the mansion, but there’s the
cash stash…”
“Ah. Perfect!” His eyes crinkled as he smiled and my heart skipped a beat.
“I’ll go and get the laptop so we can order.” He ran off towards his bedroom
and I made my way to the sofa, switching on the tv as I plopped down. I channel
surfed before settling on a cartoon that seemed pretty funny.
It felt like nothing had changed between us and I couldn’t tell if that was a
good thing or a bad thing. It didn’t feel awkward at all, everything was just
so natural with us. Being with him felt right and really good. I was glad that
I hadn’t brought Yoongi along because it would have thrown off our dynamic, but
I missed him so much. I pulled the phone from my pocket to check again for the
fiftieth time; he still hadn’t made contact. No texts, no call, no anything. He
had to be really pissed.
I put the phone away, refusing to call him before he was ready to talk. I hated
the lack of communication, but there was definitely a method to my madness. I
didn’t want to smother him or handicap him by always being there and available
when he had an episode—sometimes he didn’t realize he was having one, but that
blowup we had earlier was definitely a product of his illness. I knew all to
well about inner voices and I’m certain that he was hearing all kinds of
whispers that fed his insecurities.
I was worried whether we could last. Things were great right now, other than
this little argument, but that’s because the conditions were good. We were
together under the same roof, united against a common enemy, and surrounded by
loved ones who supported and took care of us. But conditions wouldn’t always be
this ideal. Sooner or later Yoongi would have to go back to California and I
would return to school and we would have to live separately for a while. If he
couldn’t trust me twenty minutes away, how would he ever trust me fifteen hours
away?
I didn’t set out to test him, but this was a good way to gauge whether this
thing between us could work. If he could fight his way through this on his own,
if could stand up against those voices and reign in his jealousy, we would have
a better chance at making it. If he didn’t…
No…I had faith in my hyung. He was the strongest, bravest, smartest person I
knew. He would win the war against his illness, I knew that without a doubt,
but I didn’t know how long it would take. I prayed it was soon because I missed
him so much and I hated the idea that he was mad at me.
Jungkook burst into the room with the laptop already up and running, talking
excitedly about toppings. He plopped down next to me and I threw an arm over
his shoulder. We had a heated argument about pineapples, of course, him telling
me to be more open-minded and me telling him to kiss my ass. We ended up
ordering two separate medium pizzas—so that his pineapple smell didn’t infect
my slices—as well as a 16 piece wing basket with the hottest sauce on the menu
and a two-liter Sprite to wash it all down.
While we waited he laid with his head in my lap and told me about his time in
the Park house as the tv blared in the background. His eyes were closed as I
gently stroked his hair to help keep him relaxed. Every time he tried to skate
over something I called him out and forced him to tell me the truth. By the end
of it all I didn’t know how to feel when there was so much bad but also some
good that came out of his experience there. I absolutely loathed those people,
his brothers and stepmother, but his father…that was a different story. I’d had
my doubts when he and I first met, but now it seemed like he was sincere.
I recalled their goodbye when we left the house. The old man had been choked up
and teary-eyed and the way he looked at Jungkook with so much longing and
affection, I knew he loved him. Witnessing that moment made my hatred dissipate
instantaneously and I vowed to help them build a long, lasting relationship as
father and son. I even gave the man a hug and whispered words of encouragement
to him before we left.
“So, how is everyone? Joonie and Jin? How is Yoongi-hyung? I half-expected him
to be here waiting when we pulled up,” he said chuckling.
I continued to rake my fingers across his scalp, massaging gently. “Everyone’s
great, happy that you’re out of that house. They may be planning something for
you later.”
“Really?” he said grinning. “It’ll be nice to see everybody.”
“Yeah, we all missed you so much. Yoongi…he wanted to come but I didn’t allow
it. We’re fighting right now because of it.”
“Hyung!” he yelled, sitting up to face me. “Why? Damn it, we were getting so
close, too. He’s going to hate me now,” he groaned.
“He won’t, he cares too much about you to hate you. He’s jealous for sure, but
he won’t hate you.” Jungkook rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. But he has to learn
to trust me when I say that there’s nothing going on between you and me. I’ve
explained our relationship and he said he understood. I told him that I
wouldn’t leave you behind and he said he could live with it. I even told him
that if he asked me to I would love you from a distance, but he said he would
never do it because he knows it would hurt me. He understands how I feel about
you and he supports our friendship but he can’t control his jealousy.”
“Ah…that. He’s such an idiot, I even warned him…” he laid back across my lap.
“You warned him?”
“It wasn’t anything major, I just told him he needed to handle his
insecurities. He’s his own worst enemy, you know?”
“That he is. I’m hoping he overcomes it soon.”
“If he loves you as much as he says he does, he will. Just give him time.”
“I’ll give him as much time as he needs. I’ve already waited this long for him,
it won’t hurt to wait a little longer.”
“That’s a lie,” he said sadly. “It will hurt like a sonofabitch, but if you’re
together in the end it’ll be worth it, right?” he asked gazing up at me
hopefully.
“Right.” I had a feeling that he wasn’t talking about Yoongi and me anymore,
but I wasn't about to acknowledge it. I was too happy to have him back by my
side and I had made it clear many times already that he and I could never be
more than what we are. His hope wasn’t harming anyone, so I wasn’t going to
take that from him. If it motivated him to do better I would nwant to ruin
that, so I let it slide. “What is meant to be will be. All I can do is be
patient and supportive. I’m going to try my hardest to love him through it and
when he’s ready, I’ll be right there waiting.”
“You two…” he said shaking his head. “I’ve never seen two bigger idiots in
love. You’re supposed to be a genius, too,” he snorted.
“Idiots? You really want to go there when you’re in such a delicate position?”
I squeezed his side a bit and he laughed loudly, cringing away and grabbing at
my hands.
“No tickling, hyung, you know I hate it,” he whined trying to hide a smile. I
held up my hands in surrender and he relaxed in my lap again. “But the two of
you are idiots. I gave Yoongi some excellent advice the other day and now I’m
going to give you some. You’re going about this all wrong, hyung.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. Forcing him to get over it this way won’t work. It’s true that he needs
to learn to be more trusting and he needs to learn how to cope on his own, but
you’re leaving everything up to his imagination. If he’s already picturing
negative things, won’t it be harder for him to overcome his jealousy?”
“What are you getting at?”
“You need to combat the made-up negative images in his head with authentic
positive ones. He has to see it to believe it, hyung. He has to be around us to
see that things are strictly platonic. It might’ve been better if you had let
him come.”
“But what about you? I thought you would want time alone with me and I didn’t
want to hurt your feelings by rubbing our relationship in your face.”
“It hurts to see you two together, actually it hurts just thinking about it, so
I really appreciate that, Tae. It was thoughtful and sweet of you to be so
sensitive to my feelings.” He reached up and pinched my cheek. “It’s no wonder
I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” I said smiling down at him. “That’s why I needed this time
with you.”
“I needed it too, badly, and I’m glad that it’s just me and you. But until
Yoongi-hyung is more comfortable it might be best to let him tag along at
first. That way he can see with his own eyes that he has nothing to worry
about. Besides, you two are a couple now. His needs should always come before
mine.”
“No,” I said seriously. “I don’t want to place either of you above the other. I
love you both more than I love myself and while I was forced to make a choice
between you two, I cannot make one of you happy at the other’s expense.”
“But that’s exactly what you did. You chose to placate me even though it hurt
him. You know he has an illness, you know he has no control of his emotions,
yet you still chose to disregard his feelings. He’s not you, hyung. He can’t
push it aside or forget it or bury it and still function. His issues are always
present and constantly eating away at him.” He played with my chin with one
hand as he talked, and I gripped his other one, interlacing our fingers. “The
things you went through growing up made you stronger as a person and I admire
you so much for it, but it also desensitized you. Things that are small bothers
to you are huge fucking obstacles to the rest of us. His jealousy and
insecurities aren’t something he can just get over because he knows it’s
there.”
I stared at him as I went over his words in my head, astounded that he was so
insightful. “How do you know all this?”
“Don’t tell that bastard I said it, but he and I really are alike. We struggle
with the same issues, so it’s easy to understand where he’s coming from.” He
sat up again, this time pulling his knees into his chest. I scooted close to
him, wrapped an arm around his back, and rested my head on his shoulder. "The
way he's acting right now, the way he feels, I had a similar reaction when I
found out about him."
“So…I did bad?” I asked frowning.
“No, not bad, you just skipped a step. You have to get him used to the idea,
let him build up a tolerance first, and then introduce him to the situation.
You just threw him right into it without any preparation, hyung.”
“Well, shit, when you put it like that…” I thought long and hard about my
argument with Yoongi. He told me exactly what he needed from me and I had heard
him, but I didn’t listen. I was so concerned about Jungkook's feelings that I
had ignored Yoongi's. I expected him to just get over it and trust me because I
asked him outright, but he was mentally and emotionally incapable of doing it.
I had fucked up big time.
“And before you start blaming yourself, it’s not your fault. I bet when you
talked he lost his temper, right?”
“He did,” I confessed.
“If he keeps this up I really won’t have to wait long.” Jungkook laughed,
shaking his head again. “He truly is an idiot. He’s shit with words as is, but
when he’s angry it’s probably worse. He probably couldn’t express his feelings
to you well because his emotions got in the way. He has to learn how to control
himself and communicate better when he’s angry.”
I lifted my head and kissed his cheek. “Since when did you get so smart?”
“Yoongi -hyung asked me the same thing.” He said with a bark of laughter. “With
you two as my hyungs, how could I be anything else but smart?”
"Jungkookie..." I began with some reticence. "Why are you being so damned
helpful? We didn't get a chance to make things official between us, but we were
dating in every way that matters and I chose him over you. I know you still
love me and you're hoping we'll end up together again one day. You're giving us
both advice to help us save our relationship...what do you get out of it?
Wouldn't it be better for you if he and I self-destructed?"
"Hyung, you of all people should know what real love is...you were the one who
taught me. I love you, so what I want more than anything is for you to be
happy...even if it's not with me. If Yoongi-hyung is what does it for you, then
I have to make sure you have him. It's as simple as that."
"I am...shit, I'm so proud of the man you're becoming, Jungkook. You're
maturing and growing and I'm so damned happy for you."
He cupped my cheeks in his palms. "It's because of you, Taehyung. I want this
for myself too, but you're the one who inspired me to try harder, to do better.
So, thank you, hyung. Without you, I would have never gotten this far." He
kissed me on my forehead, then my nose, then my lips and they were all innocent
and full of love. "Now call Yoongi-hyung and make up. He's probably talking
himself out of calling even though he really wants to. Don't make him worry so
much."
The doorbell rang then and Jungkook jumped up, hobbling over to the door to pay
for the food. I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed Yoongi as quickly as
I could; he picked up on the first ring and I couldn’t contain my joy. Jungkook
was right. He had probably been waiting for me just like I had been waiting for
him. “My Yogi…” I started.
“Tae…” he exhaled in relief on the other end.
***** Hearing Voices *****
Chapter Summary
     Yoongi's jealousy causes trouble.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“You’re really going to let me leave without saying goodbye?” he posed and I
legitimately could not muster a response, wilting under his scrutiny. For the
first time in days, my mind went completely still. There was nothing up there;
it was absolutely vacant. My emotions were so all over the place, so out of
control that my brain had finally shut down. It made me angry that my own
thoughts had whipped me into a frenzy, enticed me into doubting Tae’s love, and
instigated this whole unnecessary blow up only to abandon me in the end. Now I
was left to deal with the consequences and I had no idea how to fix this.
I knew Taehyung loved me, I would have to be touched in the head not to know.
He chose me even though I wasn’t the best choice for him…hell, I wasn’t the
second or third best choice for him, but he still wanted me. He told me over
and over again and I could hear the love in every fucking word. I could see the
love in his eyes, in his expressions, in his gestures. I could feel it in every
touch, every kiss; his urgency, his attentiveness, his desperation screamed
love whenever we joined together as one. From the very tips of my toes to the
top of my head, his love swaddled me and it was all-encompassing, limitless,
unparalleled…still, something whispered to me that it wasn’t enough. It should
have been enough…I thought it was enough, but then as recently as a few minutes
ago it wasn’t and I didn’t know why any of this was happening.
Immobilized by diffidence, I clung to my muteness and waited for him to say or
do something. Yell at me, fight with me, grab me by the shoulders and shake me
for being so stupid as to question his love only to throw me down on the bed
and fuck me until I screamed my apologies and promised never to do it again.
Say something, do anything…please.
He did none of those things. He only gave me an exhausted, sad smile; eyes
half-full of pity and disappointment with the other half comprised of his love
for me. It was still there just as brilliant, warm, and pure as always and
suddenly I felt guilty for even suggesting that it was insufficient when it
clearly wasn’t. It wasn’t at all and I wanted to take everything back. He
turned to walk away and unforeseen crippling chest pains forced me from the bed
onto my knees. “Don’t…” I managed to eek out but the door had already sealed
shut behind him.
He was gone. Again.
And then those same voices that caused this episode started up again, pulling a
complete reversal to beat me down with chastisements. Those bastards forced me
to fight and now they wanted to tear me down for fighting. Traitorous fucks.
What if this was your last time seeing him?
“No…he promised me…he promised…”
But his track record with keeping promises isn’t that great.
My fingernails found purchase in the thinly carpeted floor and I couldn’t
breathe. Taehyung only ever broke one promise that I knew of, and though it was
the most important promise he ever made he had a good reason for doing what he
did. That matter had long been resolved…hadn’t it? “He thought I forgot him. He
thought we were over. That’s…it’s unfair to blame him for that. Don’t say that.
Just don’t.”
He left. He promised not to leave but he left.
“He’ll come back. He’ll always come back,” I cried out in a strangled voice.
“He won’t ever leave me. He can’t…he…”
What if he has no choice? What if he can’t come back?
“No...” I said shaking my head. “Don’t do this. Not now. It’s too much…he’s
faced too much bad already for anything else to happen. He’s coming back.” I
don’t know why I covered my ears rocking back and forth; it served no purpose
when the voices were my own. The words rattled around inside my head, grating
and echoing off my skull and I clenched my teeth as I rocked. I tried to drown
them out. “He’ll be back soon and we’ll talk it out and everything will go back
to how it was. Everything is fine. We’re perfect.” I wanted to believe my
words, so I repeated them a few times until I felt a little bit better. “My Tae
will always come back. He is mine and I am his. He would never leave me. He
loves me. He honestly loves me. Nothing can keep us apart.”
He’s not safe and shit happens. Shit happens, Yoongi.
It was so quiet that I could have missed it if it weren’t inside my own head.
Quiet and quick and really fucking effective. I could feel myself tensing up
because shit did happen, and it seemed to happen quite frequently to Kim
Taehyung. Immediately I thought of the huge mess that arose the last time we’d
separated; how Hoseok had fucked with his head and sent him running back to his
torturer. And of course before that he had been kept away me for ten years. Ten
years of unbearable pain and insurmountable hurt that we still struggled with
even now…I had just gotten him back and now there was chance I could lose him
again. What if something happened and he couldn’t come back to me?
“What if…” Several different scenarios flitted through my mind, from the most
ridiculous—Tae tripping over his own foot only to take a spill and break his
neck in the process—to the more realistic—Taehyung and Jungkook see each other
for the first time again and he suddenly decides I wasn’t worth the headache.
Then I thought of Kim Taesuk and how he had tails on Jin and Namjoon in an
effort to sniff out his grandson. I had been too blinded by my jealousy to even
consider it. Taehyung was out in the open without me, in danger while I sat
here having a bitch fit about him seeing Jungkook. He was in danger. My Tae was
in danger…
He’s not safe…what if he can’t come back?
About a million images flashed in my mind. The cage…the chain…his face…his
back…the cuts…the bruises…his dead eyes… how had I forgotten? Maybe it was
because he had been strong enough to bounce back so quickly, I don’t know. But
I had forgotten.
And then I thought of private planes…unlimited wealth…innumerable
connections…Kim Taesuk could take him away again. He could take Tae and fly
away to some unknown destination well beyond my reach and I would lose him all
over again. He would get to do with Tae as he pleased and no one would stop
him.
What if he can’t come back?
The palpitations came first and they came fast and fierce, exploding in my
chest and throat. The air meant to sustain life became stifling and
unbreathable, choking and smothering me until I was a twitching mess lying
level on the floor. I tried to calm myself down, tried to focus on regaining
control of my breathing, but my mind was too far gone. It was on autopilot and
pounced on the opportunity to break me.
My mind dredged up our last minutes together and replayed them at warped speed
on repeat just to torture me more. I realized that my last words to him were a
snotty You’re really going to leave? I had been obstinate, clingy and downright
unreasonable when all he wanted to do was see his best friend. They had both
been through the wringer and had been forced apart. They loved each other so
much and of course they would be excited to reunite after this dreadful
ordeal…why did it seem like such a big fucking deal back then, but something
insignificant now?
I let him leave here without a proper goodbye. I let him leave without knowing
that the sun rose and set on his smile alone, that tides peaked and fell with
his laughter, and that the only reason this shitty world kept whirling along
its predestined path was because he existed. The last thing he would remember
was me refusing to talk to him. His last image of me was a frowning, raging,
jealous asshole. That’s how he saw me. I didn’t even tell him that I loved him.
Why in the hell hadn’t I let him know how much he meant to me? Why hadn’t I
hugged him or kissed him goodbye? Why hadn’t I made him promise again to return
to me safe and sound, to always come back to me no matter what? Why was I so
stupid?
The world went sepia and I could no longer make out structures or details;
everything blended into one fuzzy blob and I knew for sure that this was
finally the end, I just knew it. I had so many regrets…too many…I watched the
world blur and regretted everything.
What would my parents say when they found me like this, laid to waste by a
panic attack after they’d worked so damned hard to pull me back from the brink.
Time and time again I’d given them reason to throw in the towel and just let me
go, but their stubbornness eclipsed even mine. Eomma had suffered just as much
loss as I did back then, but she had battled her way back for my sake. Appa had
been a pillar of strength, supporting the both of us through all of our shit.
His devotion to keeping our family whole took superhuman effort and he’d done
it without breaking a sweat or griping. It would be one helluva payback for all
of their effort to find me here like this.
And Tae…
We’d lost so much time. We were supposed to be happy together for the rest of
our lives and we had so many plans for the future. My number one fantasy…I
never got a chance to make it happen. I never got the chance to hear him say
yes.
I had too many fucking regrets…
This couldn’t be the end, not for me. No fucking way, not by a longshot.
Clarity was immediate. I remembered that this was only an anxiety attack; it
couldn’t kill me. I had to take control and work myself through it. I forced my
eyes shut and focused on my breathing. With these attacks, your body had a way
of tricking you into believing that you needed to take in more air, that you
couldn’t breathe and needed to suck in as much as possible. Instead of taking
another breath, I held what was already there in and started to count. When I
got to ten I exhaled slowly. I repeated it a few times until my panic dulled
and the twitching stopped. I imagined Taehyung in front of me and reached for
him, outstretched fingers resting against his lips as he breathed in and out
and copied him. I could almost feel the air from his imaginary mouth slipping
between my fingers and matched him until we were breathing in sync.
I opened my eyes and the brightness was so intense my eyes watered…or maybe the
tears had been there already, who knew. I continued to breathe and focused on
regaining a serene mind. I started by purging all of my bad thoughts and then I
sent a mental fuck you to the voices who had gotten me in this predicament in
the first place. I emptied my head of every doubt, every negative emotion, and
then refilled it with the things that gave me strength, my family—Eomma, Appa,
Tae…Jungkook, too. I reclaimed all of their encouragement, all of their
support, all of their love and let it pervade my body until every cell was
saturated with positivity, continuing to breathe in and out all the while.
For the first time in the history of my illness, I made it through the attack
all on my own. It took some time, but eventually, my pulse rate decelerated and
I no longer felt like I had a rhinoceros standing on my chest; I felt
good…light. I felt like me again. I tried breathing normally and when that was
successful I cautiously sat up. My fingers throbbed and I looked down to see
the familiar mulberry tint filling the tips of a few nailbeds; it was normal
for me to claw into whatever surface I ended up on and usually that meant
bending back my nails. It was a discomfort but no big deal really.
Sweat-drenched clothes clung to me and wet hair stuck to my forehead; it made
me feel icky. I stood, slowly, and let out a long, relieved exhalation. I
needed to maintain this level of calm. I grabbed some clothes and made my way
to the bathroom where I took what seemed to be the longest, most relaxing
shower I’d ever taken. After I picked up after myself, I made my way back to
the living room where my parents sat eating...actually, they were whispering
more than they ate.
“What are you two gossiping about?” I asked as I rejoined them, taking my seat
on the floor in front of my plate. Unabashedly, the two of them stared at me as
if I another head growing out of the side of my neck. “What?”
“We heard you two argue.”
“And Taehyung explained that you two had a fight, but he didn’t give any real
details. He was very worried when he left,” Eomma revealed.
“Ah,” I said nodding. “I gave him reason enough to be worried.” I offered up a
wry chuckle and forced a forkful of food into my mouth while they stared on
seriously. “I went off on him about going to see Jungkook without me.”
“Oh,” was all that my father said…Eomma was something else entirely.
“You absolute idiot! Why would you go off about something as silly as that?
He's been worrying himself to death over Jungkook and they're so close. Why
can't he have a little time alone with his friend? Haven’t we all gone over to
see him? Hell, you’ve been over there three times!”
“It’s not the same for them and you know it. I was feeling really insecure and
I let my doubts get the best of me. Also, I’m still trying to wrap my head
around their relationship that’s actually a non-relationship that’s really a
friendship but more than just friendship…” I sighed and laid down my fork.
“It’s hard on me, but I’m trying. I can’t help how I feel. I’m jealous, but I’m
dealing with it.”
“I understand that really I do, sweetheart. I’m not saying that what you’re
feeling is wrong. But…”
“Yun,” Appa warned. “We said we wouldn’t get involved. It’s his life, his
relationship…let them work it out on their own.”
“I’m not interfering, just giving advice,” she argued.
“Fine,” he relented.
She smiled. “Yoongi, son, I understand your frustration. I only have one thing
to say to you…” She joined me on the floor and placed a comforting hand on my
leg. “There can be no security where there is fear.” I merely stared at her and
she shrugged her shoulders. “I read it somewhere a long time ago, I have no
idea where and I have no idea who said it or why they said it, but it stuck. I
felt it was appropriate for this situation. If you can't learn to trust him,
there's no way the relationship will last.”
“It is very appropriate and thanks for the advice, but I already know that and
I’m working on it.” I shoveled more food into my mouth. "I've talked to both
Taehyung and Jungkook about my issue and they've both been very supportive.
They're both trying their hardest to put up with my paranoia."
“I’m not taking sides here, Yoongi. Your envy is only a part of the problem.
Taehyung also has to be more sensitive to your needs,” she fussed.
“Other than letting me accompany him on his visit, Tae has done everything I've
asked of him and he's done it without question. He’s trying, he really is, it’s
just that with so much happening all at once…” I sighed again, “he has his own
shit to work through. I don’t want to put too much pressure on him while he’s
recovering.” I took my prescription from my pocket and popped two pills, then
downed the now lukewarm water. “Let’s not forget that it was only five days ago
that I pulled him out of a fucking cage. It’s easy to forget because he seems
so strong and unaffected, so goddamned normal, but still…” I picked up my fork
and started eating again. “It’s going to take time and practice and a lot of
fucking patience on both our parts, but I’m willing to put in the work if it
means I get to spend the rest of my life with him.” I smiled to myself, not
ready to share my most recent victory with them yet. I wanted to tell Tae
first…if he even wanted to hear it after the way I behaved. “There's no such
thing as a perfect relationship. We're just starting out and we have a lot more
to learn about each other, but I’m optimistic about our future.”
“And that’s all that matters,” my father spoke up proudly.
“Now, about what we’ve been discussing, our plans for Kim Taesuk. How are
things coming along?”
“Apparently his cruelty isn’t exclusive to his home life,” Eomma started. “The
bastard has a mean streak that has killed any loyalty his board may have had
for him. They’re only sticking around because profits are good, their loyalty
is to continued success not Kim Taesuk…they don’t care who’s running the show
as long as their bank accounts keep growing. The employees hate him. The
shareholders hate him. It will be a smooth and easy transition.”
“Ah, that’s good to know. But if those fat bastards on the board only care
about making money, then they aren’t trustworthy either. It’s troublesome that
they are so willing to turn on a man they’ve supported for such a long time;
there’s no way we can keep them.” I cleaned the rest of my plate and pushed it
aside. “Appa, our solution to this dilemma?”
“Between the four of us we’ve managed to accumulate 73% of the total available
stock, making us the majority shareholders. There were confidentiality clauses
in each seller contract, so they cannot discuss the sale of their stock,
meaning no one will know about the transfer of ownership until we're ready. Kim
Taesuk nor his board will be able to offer much opposition when we eradicate
the scum and vote them all out.” I nodded my approval. “Also, I’ve vetted quite
a few candidates who are more than willing to come on board, Taehyung gave a
few recommendations as well. We'll be able to replace the board with people we
can trust. My part is done, just waiting on you two to give the go-ahead.”
“Good. I’ll talk to Tae later and let him know that we’re ready to strike.
We’ll make our move only when he’s strong enough to deal with the fallout. Only
then…I can’t see him hurt again.” My mother and father nodded their agreement,
faces grim and unforgiving. “Kim Taesuk’s days are numbered,” I declared,
standing with my now empty plate. “I will see him penniless and broken and
isolated…he’s going to feel pain unlike any he’s ever felt before, though it’ll
never be enough to match Tae’s. First, I’m going to take away everything he
values—his wealth, his prestige, his allies, his power—and then I’m going to
make sure he rots away in a jail cell for the remainder of his wretched
existence.”
“We’ve done well, haven’t we?” Eomma asked my father, pride making her glow
prettily. He cracked a smile and I rolled my eyes at the both of them.
                                     *****
I slid into the booth and took a seat next to Seokjin. Namjoon studied me from
over the top of his spectacles before pushing them up his nose. It made him
seem so adult and sophisticated, yet he was a year younger than me. “Kim
cousins, it’s been hours,” I greeted them.
“Namjoon and Seokjin, if you don’t mind. We share a surname not a brain,” Jin
complained playfully. “We’re two individuals, please address us as such, Min
Yoongi.”
“Sorry, sorry…” I said with a smile, holding up my hands in surrender. “It
seems easier to do it all in one go.” I accepted the hug he gave without giving
him too much grief and Namjoon just smiled the entire time, sliding an extra
cup of coffee and a plate of cookies across the table towards me. “So, why did
you two call me out specifying that Taehyung couldn’t come? Do you have news?”
“We went to the police station earlier,” Namjoon said seriously. “I turned over
everything I had, the pictures I took and my documentation of his injuries over
the past few years. We both gave statements and told them we were willing to
testify. They’re working on a subpoena for his mental health records, which I
will be more than happy to turn over to them. They've also requested the
records of his visit to the emergency room. Charges should be coming really
soon, so prepare yourself. Tae is really going to need you.”
“That’s great,” I said with a hesitant smile. “You don't have to worry, I'll be
here with him until everything is settled. But I’m guessing you didn’t want Tae
to come because there’s some blowback. Bad news?”
“Bad,” Seokjin said shaking his head. “Our family is divided and everyone is
taking sides.”
“They all agree that what Uncle did was reprehensible, unforgivable. We won’t
have to worry about him getting much support from them," Namjoon assured. "The
problem is that half says that it’s a family matter and should be dealt with
in-house so that our family name isn’t tarnished, while the other side wants to
crucify him and strike him from the register for treating another family
member…a child that way,” Namjoon finished.
“The latter supports us, the former is trying to talk us out of it. We’re at
war," Seokjin said sadly, and I couldn't resist giving him a supportive pat on
the shoulder.
"We can deal with the family drama, but I don’t want Tae blaming himself for
it. I don't want to trigger him, so we won’t tell him until things calm down.
Something like this might make him regress," Namjoon warned.
“Ah,” I sighed, taking a cookie from the plate. “I don’t like the idea of
keeping secrets from him, but I agree that this news might do more harm than
good. He won’t hear anything about it from me and I'll try my best to keep him
distracted."
"Good. Thanks, Yoongi."
"And for the record, I’m sorry it came to this,” I added. "I know I gave you
two a lot of grief when we first met, but I never wanted to tear your family
apart. I'm really sorry."
“I’m not,” Jin said, chin jutted out. “It’s been long overdue. I don’t give a
damn about keeping the family name clear when Taehyung has been suffering this
whole time. We shouldn’t have backed down just because he asked us to…we should
have done something sooner.”
“You’re doing something now, that’s all that matters,” I reassured him. “And
you’ve supported him, took care of him when he needed you. You two will never
know how much I appreciate that…it means…” I took a breath trying to keep a
reign on my emotions, but it wasn’t easy to do that when it came to Kim
Taehyung. “It means the world to me that he had someone to lean on while he
went through this. I owe you both my gratitude. I don’t know if I’ll ever be
able to repay…” I choked on the words. "He's my whole world and saying thank
you just doesn't cover what you did for him...for me. But it's all have to
give, so thank you. Thank you both for watching over him until I could find him
again."
After staring at me for a few seconds, the two shared a look as Namjoon smirked
over his cup. “Told ya,” was all that he said, holding out his palm.
“I see, damn it,” Seokjin answered, looking repentant. He took out his wallet
and after rummaging around pulled out a bill and pressed it into Namjoon’s
hand. I didn’t see which denomination it was, but Namjoon gave a satisfied
smile.
“What?” I asked, genuinely interested.
“Nothing. It’s just that my days are going to be much more pleasant now that I
won’t hear someone calling me a traitor and cursing my name,” Namjoon teased.
Seokjin shrugged. “I see what you mean but I can’t help it that I’m loyal.
Jungkook and Tae would have been the perfect couple.”
“I gave him my support when he asked, but they wouldn’t have lasted a year,”
Namjoon announced firmly. “I love Jungkook, but he is in no way ready to be in
a real relationship and I told him so when he asked for my blessing. He would
have made mistake after mistake after mistake but Tae would have stuck with him
because he’s not the type to give up on anybody. They would have been miserable
together until one of them broke.”
“But Jungkook is changing, he’s becoming more mature…”
Namjoon pushed his spectacles up on his nose again. “Yes, but only because it
was compulsory in such a serendipitous and bizarre situation. Yoongi’s arrival
was the impetus that initiated said change. As I’ve explained…”
“Ah…I see what you mean.”
“I don’t. Could Webster’s dumb it down a bit so that I can follow along, too?”
They both laughed and continued their debate. I was on Namjoon’s side of course
and I watched the exchange with amusement, eating a cookie and sipping my
Americano. When they got down to physical comparisons and my waifish arms came
up as a matter of contention, I interrupted. “Speaking of Jeon Jungkook, did
you two hear the good news yet?” That got their attention. “His case was tossed
out yesterday.”
“Really?” Seokjin asked excitedly.
“Yep. Wilson and Griffin went over earlier to remove the ankle monitor.”
“So, that’s why they weren’t at the police station,” Namjoon mused. “I bet Tae
is excited. I know it was hard for him to be away from Jungkook for such a long
time. This is the longest they've been apart since they've met.”
I wanted to scream. A few days apart was nothing compared to the ten long years
I suffered. Bitterness invaded me. “He is…in fact, he went with them to free
the brat,” I unintentionally griped, stuffing a whole cookie in my mouth.
“Alone time with the bestie and all that good shit because they couldn't stand
to be apart for a week.” The two shared another look. “Stop doing that. Two
friends reconnecting after a shitstorm…I get it. Maybe I didn’t get it at
first, but now I do. I just…” I sipped from the slightly trembling cup in my
hand. “It’s been a couple of hours and I haven’t heard from him yet. I miss
him.”
“You miss him or you’re worried?” Namjoon asked with interested.
“Both,” I admitted. “It’s hard for me to be away from him right now but I don’t
want to cling. Also, I’m working hard on trusting Tae but Jungkook is such a
wildcard. Anything could happen when it comes to that kid.”
“Checking in on him isn’t clinging. You should call him,” Seokjin advised.
“I’ve tried…eleven times.” I set my cup on the table and melted into the booth.
“I let my finger hover over his name and then I chickened out every time. See,
we argued before he left, well, I argued while he stood there and let me vent.
I don’t want to make things worse between us by intruding on his time with
Jungkook.” I spun the cup on the saucer, doing anything to distract myself from
the looming admission. “Besides, he put Jungkook’s feelings ahead of mine. He’s
supposed to be my boyfriend, but he rushed off to coddle some kid who has made
it blatantly clear that he won’t give up chasing him. I miss him, but I’m a
little pissed at him, too. I don’t know how he feels about me at the moment.”
“So, what I hear is that you’re being an idiot?” Namjoon asked with a smile,
dimples punctuating his amusement.
“Pretty much,” Seokjin agreed before laughing. “I’m starting to think that
neither of them is good enough for our precious little cousin.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, curiosity overpowering my irritation..
“Do you know Taehyung at all?” he posed. I looked back and forth between the
two of them and they both wore the same exasperated yet pleased expression. “He
would kill himself twice over for the people he cares about. He’s trying to
accommodate the both of you, you idiot. It’s not that he’s prioritizing
Jungkook because he loves him more, but probably because the kid needs him
more. And he probably needs Jungkook too, right now. It’s a part of his
process…”
“But that’s not the issue, Jin. Nor is it our place to speak on it.” Namjoon
interrupted, giving him a warning look. Seokjin went quiet and I was confused
by the whole exchange. “For the most part, Tae is very straightforward when it
comes to his feelings. If he didn’t say he was angry, he wasn’t angry. You got
upset but Tae didn’t. When it comes to the people he loves his patience is
boundless. He’s probably trying to give you space to calm down right now.”
“Our poor, Taehyung. His own boyfriend doesn’t recognize that he would never
prioritize his feelings over those of the people he loves,” Seokjin joked,
tutting afterward.
“B-but…” I sputtered. “But my jealousy…and I even raised my voice at him-” and
I stopped right there. I knew Taehyung just as well as these two did and they
were absolutely right. He would never hold a grudge, his forgiving nature
wouldn't allow him to. He probably didn't even blame me for how I reacted. “I’m
an idiot.”
“Passion makes idiots of the cleverest men, and makes the biggest idiots
clever. Francois de La Rochefoucauld,” Namjoon offered sagely. "Call him."
“Ugh, why is everybody throwing quotes at me today?” I moaned as I slid out of
the booth and stood. “By the way, family dinner tonight to welcome Jungkook
home. I’ll text you the address when we settle on a place.”
“We’re there,” Seokjin agreed. “Give Tae our love and please tell him to call.
I miss him.”
“You just saw him last night,” Namjoon mumbled while rolling his eyes. “See you
later, Yoongi. Take care.”
“I will…thanks. For this and for everything else, thank you both.” I hurried
away before either of them could say anything else.
Once I sat in the safety of my rental, I pulled out my phone and went straight
for Tae’s number. It was as if an invisible box kept my finger from touching
the damned call button. All I wanted was to hear his voice and know that he was
fine. He and I could work everything out later, I just wanted to hear him. I
stared down at his picture, willing myself to press the damn thing but I
couldn’t.
I wasn’t expecting the phone to start vibrating in my hand, Tae’s picture
lighting up the screen. I fumbled the phone a bit, finally getting a good hold
on it and quickly swiped to accept the call.
“My Yogi…” he started, happiness dripping from his voice. There was also an
underlying hesitance.
“Tae…” I exhaled happily at just hearing his voice; but I did not like how
timid he sounded. “What’s wrong, love? Are you okay?”
“I…I miss you, Yogi-hyung. I really miss you even though it's only been a few
hours.”
The tension melted out of my shoulders as I let his words soothe me. “I miss
you, too. So much, Tae. I don’t like being away from you. It sucks not being
able to see you or reach out and touch you. I miss you, damn it.”
“Jungkookie and I are at home now. We haven’t been here long or anything, but
we’ve ordered pizza and wings. We’re going to watch a movie together…”
“Sounds like a good time,” I said smiling, despite it sounding too date-like
for my taste.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun. I was wondering…I know Eomma and Appa are visiting today,
but could you come over? Only if it’s okay with them…”
“Text me the address and I’m there, screw those old people.” He giggled and my
heart stuttered. “I’ll head over right away, okay.”
“Okay. See you soon, hyung.”
“Not soon enough. And Tae…I love you.”
I could feel his smile through the phone as he replied, “I love you, too, my
Yogi. Hurry home.”
                                     *****
The gate guard eyed me suspiciously before closely inspecting my license, even
going so far as to quiz me. Who in the hell did he think he was? When he
finally let me through he stared after my car as I drove away; I left him with
a parting gift consisting of my upraised middle finger and a sweet fuck you
accompanied by my signature gummy grin to tide him over until his next victim
arrived.
I drove in absolute awe; seeing the beautiful mini-mansions lining the street
was quite the experience, even though I had grown up surrounded by wealth. When
I finally pulled into Tae’s driveway, I understood why Tae had been so adamant
about Jungkook moving in with him. His house was fucking gigantic and as
opulent as any of the other houses on the street, though Tae wouldn’t care
about things like that. What he would have noticed first was how big and empty
it was; it probably reminded him how alone he was in the world. I wondered if
his Grandfather purposely chose a huge house for that purpose and concluded
that it was highly likely. The bastard probably used this monstrosity to
reinforce the sense isolation he had already instilled in Taehyung.
I parked and nearly ran over to the small staircase leading to the front door,
which just so happened to swing open at that moment. Taehyung stepped out onto
the landing that was too large to be called a porch, hands clasped delicately
in front as he waited for me. Seeing my salvation perched atop the steps made
me want to run to him, but had already given up so much of my dignity. I
climbed the stairs at an average speed but it seemed like an eternity had
passed by the time I finally stood in front of him. My thumb found itself
tracing his sharp jawline before my entire hand settled on his multi-hued
cheek. “Tae…”
His eyes closed as his fingers lightly tugged at my shirt. “My Yogi.”
How had I ever survived for ten years without hearing those words in that
voice? It was both my redemption and damnation all at once. Wanting to kiss him
was an instinct, but I suppressed my natural urge and instead said, “We need to
talk.” I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation at all. After a whole day
of thinking about our disagreement, I was even more embarrassed about the way I
behaved before he left. I was also worried about telling him about the anxiety
attack I had after he left. Talking with Namjoon and Seokjin had reminded me
about his predilection to assume blame when he wasn’t at fault. I didn’t want
him to think that he caused my episode and beat himself up about it.
“Yes, we do.” Not letting go of my shirt, he led me over to a fancy cement
bench and we sat. “So…I…”
“I’m sorry!” I shouted awkwardly, startling him. “I mean…I’m sorry, Tae.”
“No, don’t do that. You have no reason at all to apologize.”
“I was an asshole to you.”
“You weren’t, you were only being honest. Your points were valid and even if
they weren’t, you have the right to feel whatever you want to feel. I don’t
want you to think that you need to hold your tongue or downplay your emotions
for my sake. Please continue to tell me what’s on your mind, anything that
bothers you, let me know.” He rested his head on my shoulder and I wrapped my
arm around his middle to draw him nearer. “I’m the one who needs to apologize.
I’ve made so many mistakes.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did. I made you feel like you come second to someone else, didn’t I?” He
lifted his head to watch my reaction and I couldn’t hide the truth from him. “I
really am an idiot, hyung. I was so worried about Jungkook that I put how you
felt on the back burner. I was wrong and I’m very sorry for being so
inconsiderate.”
“It’s not like you did it intentionally,” I asserted.
“Intent means nothing if the outcome is the same. You told me it bothered you
but I did what I wanted anyway. I hurt your feelings and I’m really sorry for
that, Yogi-hyung. I don’t want you to think that I value Jungkook more than you
or care more about his feelings. That’s not true at all. I…” He toyed with the
fabric he held in his hand. “I overestimate you sometimes and expect you to
know that I’m sincere. To someone like me a person’s word is enough. I don’t
like to lie or keep secrets, even when I believe it’s necessary it still makes
me uncomfortable. That’s why I try to be as direct as possible. When I say that
I love you, there is no hidden meaning. When I say that you’re it for me,
there’s nothing more to decipher. If I say it I mean it…but I didn’t take into
account the type of person you are.”
“What kind of person am I?”
“You’re not as trusting as I am, so someone’s word alone could never be enough
for you without action to support it. It should have been obvious after I asked
if you were certain that you wanted to be with me. You emphasized that you
would show me through your actions.” He dropped the fabric and looked into my
eyes. “Since you pay more attention to what I do, my actions have you confused,
don’t they? It seems like I’m saying one thing but doing another.”
“Yes,” I admitted, grateful that he understood me so well. “It’s the little
things, love. You said you loved only me, but then I overheard you telling
Jungkook you love him, too. You tell me I’m all you want and need, but you call
out for Jungkook in your sleep. You say you won’t ever leave me, but then you
ran out as soon as Jungkook was available. I felt abandoned.” I grabbed his
bandaged hand and held it tenderly. Although I wasn’t ready to share it yet, it
seemed like the appropriate time to tell him what happened in the room. “I
battled a bad bout of anxiety when you left…I had an attack. Seeing you walk
out fucked me up and I went batshit…I…the whispers started. They said you
wouldn’t come back and made me believe it was my fault. I ended up collapsed on
the floor and hyperventilating. I thought I was dying. My fingers…” I held them
up for him to see and he studied them closely, inspecting each one and kissing
the tips as if that would make them all better. “...from trying to dig through
the floor as I spasmed.”
“I…hyung, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” His eyes were sad and rife with guilt. “I
didn’t mean to…”
“It’s not your fault, it was my mind that did all the damage. To be honest, it
wasn’t even that you left that triggered me, it was the thought of you leaving
and not coming back. That was the real trigger.” I let him continue to love on
my fingers; I could tell he was shaken by my attack, but trying hard not to
worry me. “The important thing is that I was able to fight through it all on my
own. Without doctors and nurses, without my parents or that asshole Hoseok, for
the first time ever I was able to take control of the situation and calm
myself. Thoughts of you…” I gave his hand a squeeze, “Eomma, Appa, and
Jungkook, too, but mostly you…that’s how I got through it. You helped me
breathe again and when it was over I was proud of myself. It’s like I’ve turned
a corner. What I want more than anything is to show you that I can be strong
enough for you, that you can depend on me. This was a huge step forward in
achieving that.”
“There’s no one stronger in my eyes, hyung,” he insisted. “I’m proud of you,
too; I know you can beat your illness. This might seem like a small victory,
but I’m confident it’s the first of many. And I already know that no one will
take better care of me, so you don’t have to prove that to me.”
“I’m glad you have so much faith in me, love, but I have to prove it to myself.
Please bear with me and continue to be as supportive as you are.”
“Without question. I know you’ll succeed…you’re my Yogi after all.”
I had no self-restraint whatsoever and I didn't give a damn. I grabbed his face
and kissed him long and hard just because I wanted to, and when I let him go I
clung to his fingers again. “That’s not all. The trigger was the thought of not
seeing you again, but the catalyst for all of it is my insecurity about you and
Jungkook.” His fingers slipped from my hold and I could read the devastation on
his face. “I know it was me who asked you not to hide your relationship with
him from me, but hearing you say how much you love him all the time, how much
you need him, how you can’t live without him…it makes me question your
commitment to me. I’m trying hard to be reasonable but those trivial things
keep stacking up and it’s slowly driving me insane with jealousy. It's
uncontrollable. One minute I love him like a brother and the next I want to
strangle him because you two are too close. I hate that you love him, Tae. I
hate it and it makes me so angry that I lose my temper. I don’t like feeling
like this, but I can’t stop.” Even talking about had me on edge and ready to
snap. "I don't know how to make it stop."
“It’s because of that…” he mumbled quietly. “I…because of my feelings, you're
like this?" He touched my face, fingers fanning the flames already burning
beneath my skin. "My love for him...it caused this?”
“I wouldn’t say the cause, more like a contributing factor.”
His hand and head dropped. “I'll talk to him tonight. You won't ask me to stop
seeing him because you don't want to hurt me, but I'd rather it was me in pain
than you. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel more secure, hyung. If it
means stepping away from Jungkook completely for a while…” I could hear the
hurt in his words. “If it makes things better I’ll do anything, whatever you
need...for you, I'll do anything.”
“No,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “Don’t do that. He needs you and you need
him, too. The brat is as much a part of our family as I am and I don’t want to
ostracize him. But don’t tell him I said that, I don’t want him to know I have
a soft spot for him.” Taehyung smiled softly, nodding. “Just be mindful, a tiny
bit more sensitive to my feelings.”
“I will, I promise.” He chewed away at his bottom lip; he was trying to mask
his stress but little things like that let me know how affected he was. “When
you asked me to be upfront and honest about Jungkook I thought it would put you
at ease, would show you that I didn’t have anything to hide…I never imagined it
would make things worse. I’m truly sorry, hyung.”
“I thought I could handle knowing the truth, but I was wrong. It’s too much for
me but it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s not like I can just forget
it.”
“You can’t forget but maybe you can come to terms with it. Until you are
comfortable I won’t spend time alone with Jungkook. You can come along with me
whenever he and I meet.”
“I don’t want to intrude on your time with him.”
“How could it be an intrusion when you’re half of me, hyung?” he asked
seriously. I really wanted to kiss him again right then, but I wanted to hear
the rest of what he had to say. “Yogi-hyung, you and I are one. If I ever made
you believe anything other than that, I’m sorry.”
I rolled my eyes and knocked his knee with mine. “Stop apologizing for
everything damn it! I’m starting to feel bad.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Ugh, could you stop being so understanding? At least put up a fight so that I
can justify my jealousy. Don't just roll over and give me what I want, make me
work for it,” I grumbled and he laughed. “I already know in my heart what’s
real, it’s really unfortunate that my head isn’t on the same page. And you’re
making it worse by being so accepting of my crazy. I feel stupid for being this
way.”
“You’re not stupid, you just need assurance. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Why don’t you need assurance?” I demanded. “You’re so sure about everything,
about me and us and how all of this will end. How can you be so certain?”
“You said you were committed to me,” he answered, looking confused. “You
wouldn’t lie about that, would you?”
“Of course not,” I hurriedly replied.
“Then why would I need assurance when you haven’t given me any reason to doubt
you? I trust you and I love you. That’s all it takes.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“I love you,” I stated as I stared at him in wonder. It was almost annoying how
easy this was for him. He was steadfast in his love, so accommodating and
willing to compromise; I was a lucky man. “I love you so fucking much that it
scares me sometimes.”
He stood, sighing as he stretched. “Trust me, I can relate.” He pulled me to my
feet and kept hold of my hand. “Is this talk done? There’s cheesy deliciousness
waiting inside for me. I didn’t get to eat breakfast remember?”
“I’m done, but don’t you have any gripes? Is there anything I need to fix or
change to make things better for you?”
“You’re perfect in my eyes, I have no reason to complain,” he said frankly.
"No one is perfect, Tae. I'm flawed and fucked up."
"Your imperfections make you who you are, they make me love you even more."
"There has to be something you're unhappy with, something I can do to help our
relationship grow."
“You’ve done enough letting me be with you. I'm thankful enough for that, how
could I ask you for more?” I could hear the honesty in his words but his eyes
suggested he was holding back...something was wrong. Something was bothering
him but he didn't want to tell me. I opened my mouth to ask him what was up but
he caught me off guard with my favorite smile, the one that turned my brain to
mush and made my heart hurt. I could only return his with the gummy one he
loved. “Let’s go and eat,” he said dragging me inside.
I didn’t get a chance to check out his place; we moved so quickly that
everything was a blur. Before I knew it we were in a room with a huge tv, one
bigger than any I’d ever seen in person. Jungkook sat on the sofa staring
longingly at the untouched pizza on the table. When he noticed us standing
there, he scowled at me. “About fucking time, hyung. Did you have to build a
car in order to drive it here? What took so long?”
“Ugh, this brat.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s only been about twenty minutes since
Tae called me. Kiss my ass.”
“We’ve already chosen a horror movie, no need to put scary images like that out
into the world,” he teased. He leaned forward and piled a few slices on a plate
before standing and coming over to us. “The thought of your ass is nightmare
inducing.”
“Ha fucking ha, emo boy.” I held out a fist, smiling at the idiot.
He bumped it with his own. “Bite me, grandpa…pizza?” He held out the plate to
me, then pulled it back. “Wait a minute. This won’t ruin your dentures, will
it?”
“Really?” Taehyung said giggling, eyes twinkling in amusement. “I truly hate
the both of you.” He walked away shaking his head and made a beeline right for
the food.
I affectionately punched the kid in the shoulder, taking the plate out of his
hand. I looked from the plate to the table and then frowned at Jungkook. “Why
didn’t you give me a slice of Hawaiian?” I griped.
“Ah…” he threw an arm around my shoulder as we moved to join Taehyung. “There’s
hope for you yet, hyung,” he said grinning.
                                     *****
It hadn’t taken Tae long to fall asleep. A belly full of pizza, the dark room,
and the most boring, cliche horror movie in cinematic history sent him into a
deep, peaceful slumber, his head resting in my lap and his legs propped up on
Jungkook’s. The movie had long ago lost my interest; it was much more
entertaining watching the silken, crimson strands of Tae’s hair slip between my
fingers and seeing them fall back in place exactly how they were before I
disturbed them. I don’t know how long I sat there doing that, trying to figure
out some scientific explanation for why his hair did that before Jungkook spoke
up.
“Hyung, have you noticed Taehyung behaving strangely?” he whispered. “Or off?”
“No. Everything has been good between us up until our disagreement today.” I
smiled down at the beauty lying in my lap. “It’s been perfect.”
“Oh…okay. Good.” He went back to the movie, but I could tell he wasn’t really
watching.
“Don’t ask a question like that and then drop the subject,” I fussed. “Why?”
“It’s nothing big, I just noticed earlier that he looked tired. I guess it’s
been pretty rough for him since he hasn’t slept in a while. That’s why he went
down so fast, right?”
Nothing big…it was fucking major to me because Jungkook had only been around
him for like five minutes while I had been around for almost a week. If he
hadn’t been sleeping I would have been the first to notice, not Jeon Jungkook.
It was such a trivial thing to be angry about, but it was enough to wake the
green beast slumbering deep within the recesses of my mind. I heard those
whispers again, telling me that Jungkook overstepped and that he implied I
couldn’t take care of Tae properly. It also irked me that he was intimate
enough with Tae to spend a few hours with him and pick up something that I had
missed. Although he hadn’t said anything bad and all of this happened in my
mind, I got defensive.
“He’s been sleeping just fine, as a matter of fact, I fall asleep watching him
sleep. He rests very well in my arms every night. He’s usually so exhausted
after…” I saw his jaw twitch at the subtle implication and the beast within me
purred in contentment, “he conks right out.” It was such a douche thing to say
but my envy was assuaged…though a part of me, the rational side, wished I
hadn’t opened my mouth at all. That side of me felt bad that I intentionally
tried to hurt Jungkook by flaunting my relationship. It was exactly what
Taehyung wanted to avoid and I basically proved him right, that I shouldn't
have come.
He rolled his eyes. “Well, thanks a lot for that image. Gold star for you
hyung, you hit me right where it hurts. I have no idea why you would bring your
sex life into this, and as much as it’s going to suck for me later since I
won’t be able to erase it from my mind, it means dick to me right now. All I
care about is Tae.” He shook his head, disappointment and anger ruining his
usual cuteness. “How sad is it that he’s been that close to you and you’re too
blind to see what’s right in front of your face? How shitty of a boyfriend are
you that you can’t tell that he hasn’t been sleeping? But hey, at least you’re
fucking him, right? That’s what’s really important here,” he retorted,
shoulders tense and jaw set.
We stared each other down and I could feel that old day-one rage bubbling up
inside again. The whole argument was my fault, I knew it, but I was still
pissed…even if it was for a stupid reason. I wasn’t even mad at Jungkook, not
really, but the voices in my head had a point. He was too close to Tae for my
comfort. I really hated the idea of him knowing Tae better than I did and my
stupid fucking insecurities turned my mind into a chaotic minefield of doubt. I
hated fighting with the brat because we were in fact friends, brothers, but I
was too far gone to pull myself back. I didn’t want to fight with him, but I
wasn't mentally strong enough to be the first to back down.
Jungkook looked just as angry as I felt and judging by the hatred in his gaze
and his puffed up chest, he was a second away from getting up and decking me.
But then I saw him focus on Taehyung and he deflated; the anger and hatred,
that mean look in his eyes became something remorseful. “Look, hyung. I’m not
about to have a pissing contest with you to prove I love him more or any other
bullshit like that. I’m genuinely concerned for him. Something is wrong and I’m
just trying to find out what so that I know what to do to help. I know you’re
dealing with your own shit, I know you have trouble controlling your jealousy…I
do too. I do stupid shit when I’m mad and you’re making the same mistake right
now. I’m only trying to help here. If you’re trying to start a fight, you won’t
get one from me.”
Still incensed, I glared at him even though he wasn’t the real target of my
anger. I was upset with myself for once again letting the jealousy take over
and push me into another unnecessary confrontation. Jungkook loved Tae and was
only being caring; I was being a jerk. He brought up a legitimate concern and I
reacted like an asshole reacts. I yelled at the whispers in my head to shut the
fuck up and once they were quiet, my anger quelled effortlessly. Since I was
the one who initiated the argument, I had no qualms about apologizing first.
“I’m sorry, brat. Saying what I said, rubbing it in like that, all of it was
unnecessary and mean. I know losing him…I know it’s still hard for you. I’m
working on getting my emotions under control, I swear. Thank you for
recognizing what was happening…”
“As long as you’re trying.” He offered a half smile. “I’m sorry for what I
said, too. We both know you’re far from a shitty boyfriend, well, usually.
Today you fucked up.” His smile disappeared. “The only reason I was able to
step aside was that I believed you to be a better man. Stop proving me wrong,
hyung. Now, regarding your insinuation," his eyes went to Tae's beautiful face,
"he is not just some fuck to brag about. Being able to keep my cool after you
said something like that is a true testament to how committed I am to improving
myself. If it happens again though, I’m not so sure I’ll be able to hold back.”
“That was more about getting a rise out of you, not a slight against Tae. But
you’re absolutely right, he didn’t deserve that at all and I regret it. You
know that it’s not about sex for me. In my anger, I lost control and said it. I
apologize to you and I’ll apologize to Tae, too.”
“I don’t think he needs to hear something like that. Just don’t do it again.”
He extended his fist. “Truce still on?”
I bumped it without a second thought and it was over as easy as that. I needed
to learn how to appreciate the kid more; he kept saving my ass when I didn't
deserve it. Why did he have to be my competitor, not just my friend and
brother? “Now that I’m sane again, what makes you think Taehyung hasn’t been
sleeping? I really do watch him fall asleep every night.”
“Falling asleep isn’t his problem,” he said quietly, “it’s staying asleep.
Haven’t you noticed the bruises under his eyes?” He inspected me closely. “Nah,
you’re probably blinded by those love goggles you’re sporting and can’t see it.
But that’s not all, he’s too quiet and reserved…he’s too serious. He’s not
himself. Something is wrong and I think it's something other than what happened
with Kim Taesuk.”
I thought back to our conversation outside earlier and remembered that look in
Tae's eye. I never got a chance to ask about it because he distracted me. “You
might be right. Did he say anything to you?”
“Not really. It makes sense that his nightmares would intensify…” It didn’t
make sense to me because somehow I had forgotten all about his nightmares. With
everything else going on, it slipped my mind. “…but they usually do after…you
know. Since his time with that bastard lasted longer than usual maybe the
effects are going to last longer, too. Maybe it's more intense.”
“I can't believe I didn’t even notice something was wrong.”
“He’s doing that thing he does, you know? Trying not to burden others, taking
care of everybody except for himself. He’s such an idiot.” He laughed lightly,
looking fondly over at Taehyung’s sleeping face. “I don’t know much about the
Taehyung you knew growing up, but my Tae is as stubborn as they come. He won’t
ever complain if something is bothering him no matter how many times you tell
him it’s okay. You have to watch him closely for signs, otherwise, he’ll just
internalize it all so that he isn’t a bother.”
“He hasn’t changed much then. He was the same way as a kid.”
“When he has trouble sleeping it’s best to stay up with him; distract him with
games or anime…cuddles. Anything to get him out of his head,” he advised, I
nodded in acknowledgment. “So now that we’ve settled that, how has the rest of
his aftercare been going? It’s much easier when there are other people to help,
you know? Joon, Jin, and I usually work together.”
“I’ve been handling it just fine on my own. He takes his meds, he’s resting a
lot…besides the nightmares, I guess it’s going well. He’ll recover just fine.”
“No, hyung. His aftercare…he…” he looked confused.
“What are you talking about?”
He frowned, “Wait…you…you mean he hasn’t…but if it’s supposed to be kept in
confidence I don’t want to risk breaking his trust,” he mumbled to himself. He
carefully removed Tae’s feet from his lap and stormed off to parts unknown,
pulling his phone from his pocket and dialing as he walked to some unknown area
of the house. I could hear him yelling at whomever he spoke to on the other
end, but I couldn’t make out his muffled words.
I got distracted from the din by a now squirmy Tae. There was a fine sheen of
sweat on his forehead and nose…it hadn’t been there just minutes ago. His
eyebrows were creased and his eyes squinted as he mumbled and turned over. The
rise and fall of his chest sped up as I watched him claw into the sofa cushion
with his fingers before he went stiff and let out an agonizing whimper that
sent a ping of distress right to my heart. “Tae?” I shook him a bit. “Tae,
love, wake up.” I shook him some more and pinched his arm. “Wake up for me.”
In a small voice, he whined and asked someone or something to stop. He sounded
so helpless, so scared that I pulled him up into my arms, cradling him as I
begged him to wake up. When his body started to jerk and horrendous, wet
gurgles erupted from his throat as if he were being held underwater, tears
filled my eyes as I screamed bloody murder for Jungkook. I could only wonder
how in the hell had I slept so soundly next to him every night when he was in
this state. How had I not known? I was afraid. I was scared out of my fucking
mind and I didn't know what to do.
Jungkook came running, eyes wild and terrified. He knelt in front of us,
staring intently down at Tae. “It’s a bad one,” he said, sadly. “Okay, fuck
what the Doublemint Kims were saying, they’re far too accommodating because
they’re so whipped for him and you need to know otherwise how in the hell is he
going to get better.” He looked at me seriously. “I know you have problems of
your own and apparently Tae has been trying to spare you because he doesn’t
want to pile too much on your plate when you’re so goddamned fragile. I’m going
to need you to man the fuck up, hyung, and quickly.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked seriously.
“We’ll talk later, he’s about to wake up. Remember, don’t badger him when he
does. He usually doesn’t remember the dream and sometimes he loses part of his
memory leading up to when he fell asleep. Don’t crowd him at first, but once he
seems settled he’ll need lots of physical contact. Don’t be an asshole if I
touch him or he touches me.
I nodded. “Okay.” I watched Taehyung’s face lock into a petrifying grimace and
then his body went limp and still. A few minutes later, his eyes opened. It
wasn’t slow or cute, there were no fluttering lashes; his eyes opened and he
seemed surprised that they did, like he never expected to open them again. That
look only lasted a millisecond before the fear and shock evaporated to be
replaced with emptiness.
He pulled himself out of my hold and sat up on his own, looking around. His
eyes landed on Jungkook first and the contentment that flooded his face, the
obvious affection he had for the kid stoked the bitterness that I harbored
towards their relationship again. Jungkook and I had just settled things
between us and I knew it wasn’t a romantic look; I knew it wasn’t their fault
that I felt this way but I just could not control my anger. I could feel the
reigns slipping again…
And then he looked at me.
If ever there were a crucial moment; a life-changing, mind-altering event that
defined our relationship, this was it. The way his breath hitched at the last
minute and he seemed to forget how to exhale…the way the brown of his eyes
melted into deep, warm, rich pools of milky chocolate…the way his fingers
twitched fitfully as he reached for me, leaning towards me as if not touching
me caused him physical pain…the way his beautiful lips parted ever so slightly
and instead of waste air he let out a soft but sure, “My Yogi.” Before he took
a breath, he called my name and it was such a significant thing that I felt
lump rise in my throat as a single tear escaped and slipped down my cheek.
I looked over at Jungkook to see if he saw the same thing I did only to find
that he had looked away, the image probably too much for him to handle; I
pitied him because I knew how much he had to be hurting. Taehyung’s love for me
was that strong, that tangible, and I couldn’t believe that I even now a small
part of me doubted him. When his fingers found the skin of my cheek and dabbed
away the tear trail, a small puff of awed air escaped his lips and he smiled a
smile that gave angels their wings, cured cancer, eradicated world hunger, and
established world peace all at once. He gave something that powerful, that
beautiful to someone like me and I didn’t feel worthy of it, especially after
how stupid I had been all day.
He loved Jungkook, I could see that too, but what he felt for me was infinitely
stronger. I knew that I would question him again, I knew I would lose my temper
and let my jealousy get the better of me; it was as inevitable as sunrises and
sunsets. But the next time it happened all I would have to do is revisit this
moment and I would feel this feeling again. All I would have to do was remember
how he looked at me and I would know the extent of his love.
"Yogi-hyung, why are you crying?" His eyes were full of concern and worry.
“I'm not. Welcome back to the world, my love,” I said, covering his hand with
mine. “Are you o…”
Jungkook cut me off. “How could you fall asleep during the movie you picked,
Tae? Why would you make me suffer through that alone?”
“Movie?” he asked, hand dropping to my lap as he looked from the screen and
then back and forth between the Jungkook and me. His fingertips clutched my
pants and I could tell he was trying to pull the pieces of his day together.
“Ah…” he said after a while, grinning. “It must’ve sucked majorly.” I didn’t
know for sure, but I could only assume that he had lost a portion of the day. I
noticed his fingers grip Jungkook’s shirt and the kid shifted closer
immediately and took a seat on the floor in between his legs. He rested his
back against the sofa, letting his head fall back onto the cushions until he
was smiling up at Taehyung. Tae unconsciously locked him in place there with
his legs, tickling the exposed skin under Jungkook’s chin before running
fingers through his hair.
“We picked it because we thought it would be shitty, but damn. I thought we
would get a few laughs at least, but it was so bad that it wasn’t funny,”
Jungkook said. “I feel sorry for the actors.”
Though I didn’t particularly care for the level of intimacy those touches held,
I pushed my feelings aside. I couldn’t get the image of him trapped in that
nightmare out of my head. This was not the time for my petty issues; I had to
take care of him. And if that meant allowing him to run his fingers through the
brat’s hair for a few minutes, then so be it.
I noticed that Jungkook spoke as if nothing had happened, like everything was
normal. He didn’t call attention to how touchy Tae was, nor did he mention
anything about the nightmare. I tried to follow his lead since he had the most
experience with a situation like this. “I don’t, I feel sorrier for our eyes
and ears. With that acting they’re lucky that this movie is the only bad thing
that happened to them,” I lamented, never taking my eyes off Taehyung. I wanted
to memorize his actions and reactions so that if this happened again…when it
happened again, I would know what to do. “And those cheesy ass effects, ugh.
Shouldn’t they have to pay us for watching this shit?”
“They should. I lost my actual soul watching it, it’s only fair,” Jungkook
grumbled. “What’s the going rate for a whole soul these days?”
“For yours, ten cents. But you actually watched most of the movie so ask for a
cool ten million. It’s only fair,” I said shrugging.
Taehyung burst into laughter and I saw Jungkook give up a small smile before
saying, “After that train wreck I’m like fuck movies anyway, right? There’s a
ton of other things we could do in here. Tae, you have any suggestions?”
“Hmmm…” He cutely chewed away on his bottom lip as he continued to stroke
Jungkook’s hair and think. “I don’t know and I don’t really care as long as
whatever we do, we do it together.”
“Nothing too strenuous though, there’s still Jungkook’s dinner tonight, too.
You're still healing, love.”
“Ooh, I know! Remember those water guns we ordered, Kookie?” he asked, smiling
devilishly. “I’m thinking a backyard battle…”
“You really want to go up against me again, hyung?” Jungkook teased. “I’m
unstoppable.”
“It’ll be a more even match now that my Yogi is here.” I beamed with pride
while Jungkook laughed.
“Two against one then? It’s still very uneven, Tae. With an old man like him,
it’s more of a disadvantage for you.”
“Who said he was going to be on my team? I was going to pair him with you to
slow you down.”
“That’s a damn good strategy, you might actually win, Tae.”
Ouch. I frowned. “Hey! The way you two are talking, I don’t want to be on
either of your teams. Besides, I’m not the chasing people down, getting shot in
the face with blasts of water type anyway. Lounging by the pool with a drink,
good. Running around with a water gun like an idiot, not good.”
Taehyung’s eyes went wide, practically falling out of the sockets. “Yogi-hyung,
you’re a genius!” He kissed me full on the lips grinning crazily before nearly
trampling poor Jungkook as stood. He patted Jungkook's head affectionately as
an apology and pulled out his phone. “I’ll be right back,” he called over his
shoulder already dialing.
I flicked Jungkook’s ear to get his attention. “Explanation now,” I demanded
quietly. "What is this about aftercare?"
He joined me on the sofa and in a hushed, rushed whisper explained everything.
"Taking care of his physical injuries is a part of his aftercare, but it's the
mental damage that's the most important. Whenever Tae comes back from meeting
with Kim Taesuk, he is extremely vulnerable. He really believes everything that
sick bastard drilled into him and thinks he deserves to be hurt. It's a very
delicate thing and has to be addressed as soon as possible. Joonie, Jin, and I
work together to combat his grandfather's programming. He does counseling
sessions with Namjoon to let out those negative thoughts and Joon spoils him
rotten, cooking him his favorite foods and waiting on him hand and foot. He
doesn't like to be babied at all, but whenever he leaves the mansion he needs
it. And me, I'm the one who loves him through it. Because we've had similar
experiences I understand him best and he relies on me to pick up on the things
he can't say out loud, the things he's too afraid to vocalize. He trusts me
implicitly, I'm the closest person to him. I know when he needs to be
surrounded by the people he loves, when he wants to be alone, when he needs to
cry it out. There's usually a lot of kissing, holding hands, hugging…loads of
skin-to-skin contact. I praise him a lot, too, let him know how much I love
him. We're all sickeningly sweet to the point that he gets sick of it.
Sometimes he gets really silly or super lovey-dovey, and I go along with it. He
can't ask for these things because he believes he doesn't deserve it. Kim
Taesuk, the bastard, was very effective at tearing him down."
"I had no idea," I whispered, completely floored by this influx of information.
"He didn't say anything about aftercare."
"He wouldn't, not to you," Jungkook fumed. "Apparently, you've been quite
fragile lately and he's too afraid that he's either going to scare you off or
cause you to relapse. He was desperate to see me not only because he wanted to
apologize to me and misses me, but also because he's struggling. You're so
fucking jealous that he won't take what he needs from me; he's restraining
himself because he's worried about how you will feel if he's too close to me,"
he lamented. "According to Joon, he made them promise not to tell you anything,
but I didn't make any such promise. He's also refusing counseling because you
can't stand to be away from him for too long and I can only guess that he's not
letting you baby him..." I didn't know how to respond; Jungkook shook his head
sadly. "You didn't even notice that he wasn't sleeping, so you probably haven't
picked up any of his other tells; he's really good at masking them after doing
it for so long. He's been quietly trying to deal with it on his own and I guess
it's not going too well, maybe that's why the nightmares are getting worse."
"It sounds likely." I had already felt guilty but now that I knew he was
suffering quietly for my sake, I felt even worse.
"These nightmares, Joon believes it’s a way for Tae to punish himself, a way to
hurt himself when he believes he’s done something wrong. He blames himself
enough for everything normally but during this time period, it’s much worse.
Saying or doing the wrong thing, no matter how small it seems to you, can
really impact him. You have to be mindful or else he might take it the wrong
way. For example, I know he feels guilty about what happened to me. When we
talk on the phone, I make sure to give him lots of affirmations so that he
doesn't blame himself too much. You have to do the same. You especially have to
watch your words since you have a tendency to fly off the handle. How is it
that you're more hot-headed than me?"
I thought over our conversations from the past week...the things I had said to
him.
I’m trying hard not to be overbearing and all I want to do is give you smiles
and happiness, but I’m so worried, love. Aren’t I entitled in a situation like
this?
*
*
You don’t like hurting me. You don’t like seeing me in pain, yet here you are
the main cause of it and refuse to do anything about it.
*
*
I’m scared, Tae. Scared and worried about you.
*
*
How do you think I feel knowing what happened to you down there and knowing
that it all could have been avoided? I feel fucking useless. And guilty. And
angry and worried and stressed and scared to fucking death that I’m going to
lose you at any second.
*
*
Do you know that I’ve been slowly falling apart since the moment I found out
you came to California for me? I’ve been fighting extremely hard to keep
control of my emotions and avoid spiraling...I’m failing, Tae... I’m losing the
battle with myself and I’m trying like hell to not let myself fall into my old
habits...All of this anger and self-pity and guilt…it’s ripping me apart
inside.
*
*
You’ll continue to do whatever you like and I’ll have to put up with it, won’t
I? If I want to keep you I have to accept everything.
*
*
I can’t help but wonder if maybe you chose too quickly. Maybe you chose wrong.
*
*
I hate that you love him, Tae. I hate it and it makes me so angry that I lose
my temper. I don’t like feeling like this, but I can’t stop.
Fuck. Sure, they were just my feelings at the time, but there were better ways
to express them. "I may have said some things over the past few days that he
may have latched on to," Jungkook glared at me accusingly as I spoke, "but to
be fair, I didn't know about any of this. And I suck when it comes to words." I
could recall every response he gave clearly, usually an apology or him
accepting blame. He was always too accommodating, too eager to compromise, too
willing to give me whatever I wanted or needed. Fuck, how had I not seen it?
"It's too late to take it back. Just be more careful from now on."
"I will..."
"You will what?" Neither of us had noticed Tae's return. "What are you two
talking so seriously about?" he asked, smiling.
"Let's just say the water gun fight is getting very competitive. Were you
eavesdropping on our strategies?" Jungkook teased. He switched modes so easily
that I believed for a second that our conversation had existed only in my mind.
"That would be cheating and you know how I hate cheating, Jungkookie. Besides,
I don't need to resort to low tactics to win against you two. I have a secret
weapon." He held up his phone, shaking it at us. "All the arrangements are
made. Everyone is coming over for a barbecue."
"Barbecue...that's a great idea, Tae!" Jungkook cheered. "Meat, meat, and more
meat."
"I figured it was the perfect way to welcome you home. Yogi-hyung, are you okay
with barbecue?"
I was still reeling, but I gave my best effort. "When have I ever not been okay
with meat?"
"Good. We have to go shopping before everyone gets here. C'mon." I watched him
extend a hand to Jungkook, pulling him to his feet. He held onto Jungkook's
hand tightly until he saw me looking; he let it go quickly, smiling to cover
the obvious guilt in his eyes. He held out his hand for me to grab, I did, and
he pulled me up as well.
Wow. Even something as innocent as that, he was too worried about how it looked
to me. This was the result of my jealousy and anger. I had to figure out a way
to fix this before Tae cracked under the pressure.
Chapter End Notes
     Switching to biweekly since it's winding down.
***** Barbecue, Brews, and Brawls *****
Chapter Summary
     Jungkook worries about Taehyung; Jungkook has a heart-to-heart with
     Eomma Yun and Yoongi; an unexpected visitor spurs Jungkook into a
     violent rage.
Chapter Notes
     I know it hasn't been a full two weeks (it's only two days away but
     damn it it's so far away). I got sick of waiting to post, so here I
     am. I don't like bi-weekly much, but I'm determined to stretch it out
     a bit longer. I am soooooo not ready to let my babies go, hehehehe.
     Bear with me.
     If you read 'Alone Together' or 'Still Doll', new chapters go up
     tomorrow. :)
     How is everyone? I hope all of you are doing well. What are you guys
     up to?
     What have I been up to? (asked absolutely no one, lol) Nothing much.
     Since the iHeart Awards are over I'm focusing on streaming on YT,
     Spotify, and Soundcloud while voting for the KCAs right now. How
     awesome was Hope World, right? My goodness, I'm obsessed with it. I'm
     super excited about the Japanese comeback and Burn the Stage...ah, we
     are a blessed fandom, are we not? If you don't think so, fight me. xD
     I've been a little bit more active on Twitter, just a bit. When I'm
     not dancing, writing, or throwing away money on strippers (honestly,
     I love watching strippers dance to learn new techniques), I'm
     watching anime and catching up on my manga/webtoon updates. Life is
     good right now.
     I really miss you guys. Talking to you every Wednesday has been a
     highlight of my week for such a long time now...it's going to suck
     when it's over. I keep trying to decide whether or not to add a few
     chapters as an epilogue or to just let it end the way it is right
     now. Something keeps whispering to me that it's not complete, but I
     think it might be because I'm not ready for it to end. I don't know,
     I guess we'll see when we get there.
     I hope to hear from you guys in the comments. I really hope you enjoy
     the chapter. See you in two weeks. :)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The silence in the house was deafening as I hid out in the darkness of our
room, well just Tae’s room now, steeping in grief. It was inevitable that I
would slip up because no matter how hard I fought to shed my past I was a fuck
up, we all knew it, but I didn’t want it to happen like this. I never wanted to
disappoint Tae the way I did tonight, but it happened and now I didn’t know
what to do with myself.
I blew my stack…lost my shit…went cuckook fucking bananas in front of my entire
family and I was so embarrassed and full of guilt about the whole ordeal that I
had no choice but to isolate myself. Seeing them all look at me the way they
did—I didn’t want to face them again. Hiding out was the best solution until I
was brave enough to apologize.
Life was so unfair. The strides I made towards proving myself as someone more
mature, responsible, reliable and worthy went up in smoke all because I
couldn’t control myself for a few seconds. I had been so good up until now. I
was honestly making an effort at accepting Tae’s relationship with Yoongi. I
was supportive when they needed, offering advice when I felt it would
help…keeping my mouth clamped shut when I was in danger of saying something
stupid or brash. I hadn’t made any inappropriate advances towards Tae nor had I
tried any tricks to win him back to my side. I was genuine in my attempt to
reform.
The mental and emotional effort it took to continue this in this endeavor, to
accept things as they were simply because I loved Taehyung was draining enough
but how far was I expected to go? How did everybody else manage to keep their
cool upon seeing what I saw? Especially Yoongi-hyung…he should have been right
there by my side, just as angry, just as committed to doing what needed to be
done. But things didn’t go the way they should have gone, when did they ever
when I was involved?
My resolve to become a better man and want to prove myself as someone worthy of
being Taehyung’s life crumbled to dust as soon as I came face to face with that
bastard. I wanted to rip that fucker’s head clean from his body and mount it on
the wall. I wanted to pluck his eyes out and pour lemon juice into the sockets,
laughing loudly as I watched him writhe in torment.
I tried to be better, but I failed. Maybe it was time for me to just accept
that I am who I am…Jeon Jungkook, a perpetual loser screw-up with a hair
trigger temper and no sense of self-worth. I was shit. How Tae ever saw
anything good in me, I would never understand. What I did know was that after
tonight, he probably never would see that good again.
                                     *****
I didn’t know how this turned into a full-blown party. All I had wanted was
some quality time alone with Taehyung after not being able to see him for so
long. Then because I genuinely felt bad for Yoongi-hyung, I encouraged Tae to
let him come over, too. I understood his jealousy, hell, I was struggling with
the same problem even though I had no right to, so I was okay with sharing that
time with him. But then Tae had the brilliant idea of inviting everyone over
for a barbecue and now I was surrounded by people I didn’t want to see right
now. I desperately wanted it to be just me, Tae, and Yoongi again, instead I
had to share his attention with a whole damned crowd.
But it wasn’t about me…Tae needed this so I went along with it for his sake.
The doorbell wouldn’t stop fucking ringing. First, it was Seokjin followed
minutes later by Joonie. Then came Detective Griffin and his wife. Then the
Mins. Then Detective Wilson and a date. The house had never seen so many
visitors and Tae flitted around from person to person as they arrived, full of
life and laughter that never seemed to touch his eyes. He gave his best effort
at being welcoming and cheerful and for the most part everyone bought it…I
didn’t.
The truth was that Tae was not okay, far from it actually. I didn’t have to
remind myself that he was damaged physically, all I had to do was look at him,
but Joonie, Jin, and I tended to pay more attention to his mental state in
instances like this. After watching him today though I was very concerned about
his health. I don’t know if the others picked up on it, I knew for a fact that
Yoongi didn’t, but Taehyung was suffering much more than he let on and he was
desperate to keep it to himself. He was successful at hiding his condition from
the others, but not from me. After two years of him being my entire world, he
couldn’t sneak something so obvious past me.
Maybe it’s because my eyes hardly left him, my love for him burning stronger
than it ever did, that I picked up on certain tells to let me know when he was
distressed. The sudden tension in his jaw and shoulders whenever he was
embraced—he kept requesting hugs from everyone, telling them that he was fine
and to squeeze harder, but the face he would make when they complied screamed
pain. The moment would pass, hidden behind a very effective mask of a smile and
the culprit who hurt him would be none the wiser every single fucking time.
That lip bite thing he did kept happening whenever he moved, not the one that
made me want to carry him off to a room a do very filthy things to him, but the
one that showed his nervousness, fear, or discomfort—whenever he moved, whether
it was to stand or to sit again, to bend/reach for something, he would bite his
lip in agony.
And then there were the flinches. If someone came in contact with his hand or
chest of shoulders or back or upper arms, he would unintentionally flinch. It
was a small thing, nearly indiscernible if you weren’t paying close attention
to him, but I was. I saw it all because I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him,
not even for a second, and seeing all of these things happening right in front
of everyone in the middle of such a joyous gathering with no one noticing was a
very sad thing.
So when Eomma Yun put a kibosh on the epic water gun fight he had planned, I
silently cheered even though Taehyung went into major sulk mode. Yoongi and I
had somehow managed to catch her up on Tae’s current state of mind in the midst
of the celebration, but she outright refused to placate him and let him risk
getting hurt further. Secretly, I was thankful that she did it because I was
just as worried, but I muttered fake lamentations along with Tae just to be
supportive as he clung to Yoongi’s arm on one side and held my hand on the
other.
When the group split up, Seung Gi and Seokjin made off with the meat and headed
for the patio to start grilling, trailed by the detectives and their partners.
Namjoon and Yoongi sat in the living room whispering conspiratorially, the
latter occasionally shooting grim glances whenever Tae was in his line of
vision. I wished I had never told him about Tae’s condition because I could
tell that he was even more stressed than he had been before and now I had to
worry about the both of them.
Tae latched onto Eomma Yun from the moment she walked through the door, only
letting go of her to greet new guests when they arrived, once to go to the
bathroom, and when he was upset about the water gun fight. Other than those
three times, he seemed to be glued to her side. When she left to start working
on sides for the meal, he trailed her holding onto the tail of her shirt like a
kid. It was an adorable sight to witness but I knew underneath the cuteness was
desperation; it made me reconsider my disdain for this random party because I
understood instantly that the love he got from Yoongi and me wasn’t something
that could compete with a mother’s love. He had gone for so long without it, of
course it made sense that he would try to soak up as much of it as he could
before it was gone again; Eomma Yun wouldn’t be here forever. I’m only guessing
that Yoongi had realized it as well since he left Tae’s side for the first
time, though he kept eyes on him all night, stares full of both worry and
longing. I knew I should have done the same thing, allowed mother and son their
time together while they had it, but I was too selfish. I couldn’t. I
volunteered to help the two of them…just in case he needed me.
There was lots of laughter in the kitchen, Tae and Eomma Yun being over-the-top
funny with their antics while I just sat on the island and watched them. He
mostly got in her way and received several gentle, playful hits from the back
of a wooden spoon because of it. The rest of the time he spent hugging her from
behind with his chin resting on her shoulder, cracking jokes or filling her in
about the parts of his life that she missed. Every now and then he would slip
away from her and feed me food to let me taste what they were working on, or he
would rest between my legs while leaning back against my chest. Those were my
favorite moments…loving on him, gently pecking the top of his head as I hugged
him. It was perfect. It was like old times.
Once the pot lids were done rattling and the mouthwatering foods were
transferred to serving dishes arranged neatly on the island, we went and
grabbed Yoongi and Joon from what seemed to be an intense conversation and
dragged them out to the patio. There was music going and so many different
conversations happening all at once that it was hard to keep up. I stuck close
to Tae, who had sidled up to Mr. Min this time. The tall man draped his arm
around Tae’s shoulders and held him close to his side. Tae participated a lot
in the conversations, smiling brighter and acting livelier than I ever saw.
Whatever he struggled with earlier, this gathering had distracted him from it.
I didn’t notice any discomfort or indicators of pain, so I pushed my worries to
the back of my mind with a reminder to ask him about it later.
He drew loads of laughter from everyone and I could tell that these
interactions were doing him a world of good, but what I appreciated most was
that he held my hand the whole time. He included me in the conversations,
forcing me to join in even when I didn’t want to so that I didn’t feel left
out. He knew my awkwardness, he knew I didn’t like being social, so he
supported me and encouraged me to participate, too. He was so considerate, so
thoughtful that it made my heart ache.
He gave me too many reasons to continue loving him and being with him tonight
just cemented it for me; moving on from Kim Taehyung would be an impossibility.
I already knew it, but this was a glaring reminder.
I think I was the only person to hear the doorbell ring because everyone else
was either talking, laughing, or tossing back drinks. It wasn’t hard to catch
Yoongi’s eye; he never let Taehyung out of his sight for too long. I gestured
him over by inclining my head and he excused himself immediately from whatever
he was discussing Joon, appearing by my side before I could blink.
“Ah, so can I finally have my husband back now?” he joked, smirking.
“Not for long, I’ll definitely be back,” I said, clapping him affectionately on
the shoulder. He really was a cool hyung. It had to be killing him inside
trying to accommodate Tae’s needs tonight when he had needs of his own. I was
so proud that he was willing to set his own shit aside and I honestly couldn’t
think of any person in the world who would be better for someone as precious as
my Tae. I would never tell him that though, he would hold it against me for the
rest of our lives.
I had to pull my hand out of Tae’s grip, which drew his attention. He looked
confused at first but when he saw Yoongi standing there a sappy, overly
saccharine look conquered his face and that powerful, tangible love those two
shared emitted a wave so strong that everyone unconsciously looked over to see
what had happened. Instead of taking my place, Yoongi held out his hand for Tae
to take. I watched Taehyung slip out from under Mr. Min’s arm, completely
spellbound as he took the offered hand and followed Yoongi over to an
unoccupied corner.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away as Yoongi wrapped his arms around Tae’s waist and
interlocked his fingers. Tae pressed his forehead to Yoongi’s for a second,
smiling gently before gripping the front of our hyung’s shirt and pulling him
even closer to hug him. The seemed to melt into each other and all of us, yes
even me, stared on in wonder. It was such a small thing, the two of them
rocking back and forth to the music barely moving as they whispered god knows
what to each other to produce such smiles, but it was also one of the most
beautiful things I ever witnessed. I couldn’t stop smiling and looked around to
see that everyone else seemed to share my sentiment. I whipped out my phone and
took a quick picture to preserve the moment.
Other couples began to drift away to different spots on the patio to dance as
well and it turned into an even more beautiful moment. I won’t lie and say that
I wasn’t a little bit bitter, but overall I was happy just to witness such a
wonderful outpouring of love…it wasn’t something I got to see often.
The doorbell echoed throughout the house again and I finally tore my eyes away
from the scene to make my way to the front door. I swung the door open, still
smiling from the good feeling I carried with me thanks to the scene on the
patio, and frowned once I saw who was standing there. I was not expecting him.
“Father?” I asked, honestly surprised.
“Jungkook,” he returned with a smile. “I hope you don’t mind that I showed up,
but your friend can be quite persuasive.”
“My friend…you mean Taehyung?”
“Yeah. He said there was a family gathering and apparently I’m family now so
here I am.” He chuckled, shaking his head as he did. “He wouldn’t take no for
an answer and threatened to come and drag me over here if I didn’t do it on my
own.”
Of course he did. This was probably some scheme of his to help me and my father
grow closer. I still had a lot of emotional baggage to get rid of and was in no
way ready to jump into a full-blown relationship with the man, but having him
here with people I truly loved and cared about was a good start towards a
friendship at least. “Then I’m glad you came them, I wouldn’t want him to push
himself too hard. He’s still recovering.”
His smile disappeared.“Is that the only reason you’re glad I’m here?”
I felt bad for not being as enthusiastic as he was, but I couldn’t help myself.
Knowing the truth now didn’t erase all those years of suffering and though my
head accepted the truth, my heart held onto the pain. I wasn’t willing to
pretend with him; I didn’t want to risk getting his hopes up only to crush
them. “If it isn’t I’ll never admit it,” I joked so as not to hurt his
feelings. “Come in. We’re all out on the patio.” I waved him in and led him to
the patio area where couples were still dancing. Since Namjoon and Seokjin had
shown up alone, those two manned the grill. I took my father over and
introduced them first.
The Mins joined us by the grill, Eomma Yun eyeing my father suspiciously the
entire time. I could only guess that her run-in with Mother Park made her wary
of my other family members. Though Seung Gi shook my father’s hand and chatted
with him amicably along with Namjoon and Seokjin, Eomma came to my side and
grabbed onto my arm, leaning against me. Damn, I loved her so much.
“How are you holding up, kid?” she asked.
“As good as can be expected. I’m just thankful to be back home.”
“Not that…”
“Ah…” I looked over at the couple that had turned this friendly family
gathering into a lovefest; they were suspended in a dimension outside of ours,
completely engrossed in each other on their own little world as usual. I
smiled. “Honestly, I’m somewhere between hurt and happy. Seeing them like this
doesn’t make me want to drive a stake through my eyes so I guess that means I’m
a bit better.”
“If it weren’t Yoongi you were up against I would be rooting for you. Other
than my son, there is no one else I would trust with his heart, Jungkook.”
“Hearing you say that is like the fourth best moment of this day.”
“Only the fourth? I’m offended,” she muttered, elbowing me in the side.
“Well it’s kind of hard to beat being woken up by the love of your life and
realizing he’s really there. Then crossing the threshold to our home together
with him after being apart for so long. Then spending an afternoon alone just
talking to each other while laying in his lap and he stroked my hair...”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said and pinched me. “But I guess I should be happy I
came fourth when I’m up against Tae. I even beat out the kitchen stuff.”
“Fifth, then. Actually, sixth because of movie time with Tae and Yoongi.”
“Damn it. You’ll even put that bastard ahead of me?”
“Don’t call my brother a bastard,” I fussed. “That’s my job. And he just so
happened to be there, even the wings and pizza were better than him.”
She laughed and gave me a squeeze. “You’re a sweetheart and a softie, you know
that right?”
“Let’s keep that between us, okay.” I smiled as I continued to watch them. “I
did good by stepping aside, didn’t I, Eomma?”
“You did. I think you saved all three of you a lot of unnecessary pain. And
look how much closer you are now because of it. Letting him go the way you did,
it was an admirable thing, Jungkook.”
“But…I still want him,” I admitted sadly. “I’ll always want him.”
“Which is why this is hardest on you, kid. But isn’t it better this way? You
gained a brother rather than an enemy. You get to keep Tae in your life, even
if it’s just as a friend.”
“Best friend,” I amended. “Having him love me in any capacity is more than I
deserve.”
“If you ever say that again I’ll pull your tongue out and beat you with it,”
she threatened.
“Ah, so that’s where hyung got that from…”
She ignored me. “Most importantly though, the icing on the cake, the pièce de
la resistance, you get me.”
I laughed loudly and swept her up in a big hug. “That alone makes everything
worth it because you’re the best Eomma ever.” She laughed as we twirled before
I set her back safely on her feet.
“C’mon, you idiot,” she said grabbing my hand, “let’s go make what I said your
seventh favorite part of the day.”
“Huh?” was all I could manage as she dragged me towards those two. I put up a
good fight but just like her son, Eomma had more than enough strength hidden in
that tiny body of hers to make me submit. I could only follow along with
hurried footsteps to keep from falling as she tore a path to Yoongi and
Taehyung’s personal love niche.
My neck burned from embarrassment when we finally reached them and Eomma tapped
Yoongi on the shoulder. “I hate to break this up but I would like a quick turn
with my son.”
“Ugh,” Yoongi groaned. “Eomma, we were kinda having a moment. I haven’t really
had him to myself since this morning and here you come over to snatch him. I’m
not letting him go that easily, you hag. Wait your turn.” Taehyung hit him hard
on the shoulder. “And why’d you bring the brat? If you think for one second
that he’s a viable replacement for Tae, you’re out of your fucking mind.
There’s no way in hell I’m touching that infant.”
Eomma smiled the absolute scariest smile I ever saw…never had I seen a mother
and son so similar. She dropped my hand and snatched Yoongi up by the front of
his shirt. “I meant you, you asshole. I want to dance with you. I brought
Jungkook…”
“Against my will, hyung!” I interjected. “She dragged me.”
Eomma gave me a look and I shut THE fuck up. “Like I was saying, I brought the
kid to dance with Tae.”
“I hate you so much right now,” Yoongi grumbled at her before looking over at
me. “Keep him smiling, brat, or I’m gonna kick your ass.”
Was it really that simple? After all the shit from earlier, his jealous
outbursts and glares whenever I touched Tae, even looked at him…just like that
he would let me dance with him? “Hyung, it’s not necessary. I didn’t even want
to come over, I swear.”
He gently pushed his mother away, who snatched a giggling Tae over to dance
with her so we could talk it out. Yoongi wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Kid, I’m trying like hell here to be a good hyung. I know I can be a little
jealous sometimes,” I snorted because that was definitely the understatement of
the century, “okay, a greedy asshole who wants to keep Tae all to myself, but
I’m trying here. I’m not saying I’m completely over it because I definitely am
not, but I’m trying. I’ve been watching you two together all night waiting for
some slip-up, some proof that I wasn’t batshit and imagining it all, and I’ll
admit that maybe I’ve been letting my head get the best of me.”
“I was honest with you, hyung,” I assured him. “I’m nowhere near ready to be
with anybody. I have to work on myself first, get my shit together, you know? I
love Taehyung with all my heart but being with him while I’m like this…it
wouldn’t be good for either of us. I’m not trying to steal him from you. I’m
not trying to come between you two. I just want to have him in my life, that’s
all. I won’t betray you. We…you and me, we’re brothers, right?”
He smiled. “Right, brat. Which is why I’m going to try harder to trust you.
It’s thanks to you that I realized I was putting more strain on Tae than there
already was and I had to self-correct. I already spoke to him about it and
while he tried to argue that it wasn’t the case, I had already seen it with my
own eyes. So, I’m making an effort to not be so possessive. Not crowding you
two tonight was the first step, letting you dance with him is another.”
“What about the strain on you?”
“It’s me who’s stressing myself out so it’s me who has to deal with it. It’s
wrong of me to try to keep you two apart because I keep imagining shit that
isn’t there. I appreciate how understanding and supportive the both of you have
been…I should have known from just that alone that I didn’t have anything to
worry about.”
“So…are you yourself again? Are you the mean, yet wise, short bastard who stole
my boyfriend away and somehow made me okay with it?”
He laughed and ruffled my hair; I slapped his hand away playfully. “Not quite,
but I’m trying to get back there. Seeing you and him together tonight is
helping, which is why I’m not upset about a dance. I’m not over my jealousy but
I’m trying. Bear with me, okay?” He held out his fist. “You, me, and Tae…we’re
a family now. We can’t have an ‘us’ without you.”
“Hyung,” I whispered, deeply touched by his words. It was such a nice thing to
hear, especially from Yoongi, that he considered me such an important part of
his life. I couldn’t let him know that though. I bumped his fist. “That’s the
sappiest crock of shit I’ve ever heard in my life. These few days with Tae made
you soft.”
“Fuck you, Similac.”
“Kiss my ass, AARP.”
“That’s actually a good one,” he said, smirking. He pushed me towards the
dancing pair. “Now go and dance with my husband before I change my mind. I miss
him already.”
“Fine,” I threw over my shoulder. “Let your old hips rest up awhile, old man.
I’ve got it from here.” I heard him laughing behind me.
I don’t know why the steps toward the twirling pair were so heavy, so slow, but
eventually, I was gripping Eomma’s sleeve between my fingertips. They both
looked at me, amused eyes glittering with broad goofy grins on their faces. I
let a giggle slip at the mirror image of the two; if I didn’t know better they
really could pass for mother and son.
“Finally,” Eomma said. “Tae wore me out. I’m way too old to keep up with you
youngsters.” She kissed Tae softly on the cheek before placing a hand there.
“Go easy, okay? You know how I worry.”
“Kookie won’t let me be too wild,” he said giggling. “Stop worrying, Eomma.”
“Never.” She smiled at the both of us before walking away.
I took in the sight of my hyung, bright eyes dancing with joy as he looked
right back at me with my favorite smile. Never in my life had I seen someone as
beautiful as him. “So, you feel like dancing with your best friend, Tae?”
“Always,” he said opening his arms to me. “Fair warning, I may squeeze you a
bit.”
“No need for incentives, being with you is enough.” I stepped into his arms as
he giggled again. I inhaled his scent as I hugged him, that comforting,
wonderful smell of strawberries that I hadn’t been able to forget. “Damn it, I
missed you.”
“You won’t ever have to again. You have my word on that, Kookie.”
“Good.”
We didn’t just sway back and forth like he’d done with Yoongi, nor did we tear
up the floor like he did with Eomma; our dance was a happy medium. I didn’t
care much about how it looked to anyone else, I just focused on having fun with
my best friend. He and Yoongi had their own world, but so did he and I. It may
not have been as beautiful and bright, but it was special and ours alone.
We laughed and chatted, got silly, even had our own little dance battle and I
drowned in ecstasy. Nothing had changed, we were still us—Jungkook and Tae, a
set…a pair—and it felt so good to know that I could have moments like this with
him every day for the rest of my life if I wanted it. I would miss the other
parts of our relationship, sure, but I didn’t need to have all of him to be
happy; this was enough for me. It was more than enough…
I don’t know how long we danced before Taehyung actually admitted that he was
hurting too much to continue, still, our playtime ended on a happy note. We
held hands as we rejoined the group, all of whom had plates piled with food and
drinks as they sat around chatting and stuffing their faces. Not wanting to be
the only ones left out, he and I went to the kitchen to make our plates.
I was in the middle of choosing the biggest steak when the doorbell rang again;
Taehyung volunteered to get the door and ran off while I inspected each slab of
meat closely. I heard him talking to someone and the other voice seemed really
familiar, but I couldn’t put a face to it.
When they re-entered my line of vision, I froze. That fucker. He had a lot of
nerve setting foot inside this house with so many people here who hated him.
Maybe if I had known ahead of time, it would have been okay. Maybe if he had
been just standing there next to Tae instead of sticking to his side like a
goddamned leech, it would have been okay. Maybe if there were more people in
the kitchen instead of just the three of us, it would have been okay. Maybe if
he had stayed on the other side of the room instead of coming to rest two
fucking feet away from me, it would have been okay. But it was not okay. I was
not okay.
The plate dropped from my hand and clattered on the floor splattering food
everywhere, but I didn’t hear it. I didn’t see it. All I saw was that bastard
clinging to Taehyung’s arm with wide, wary eyes. “Jung Hoseok.”
That morning when his deception was discovered, when we realized what had
happened as a direct result of his lies was the most hurtful, depressing
moments of my life. Knowing that my Tae had felt so unloved, so unwanted, so
guilty for non-reasons…fallacies created by that monster Jung Hoseok broke me
in a way I didn’t know was possible. It was one of the lowest points of my
life.
Yet there he stood, the very man who had pushed Tae off the edge and into a
literal hell, holding onto him like he had done nothing wrong. Like it was okay
for him to be there touching our Tae.
I stared at this interloper, this intruder on what had been one of my happiest
days up until now, and something in me just snapped. “Jung…Jung Hoseok!” I
acted without a conscious thought before I could talk myself down; I decked him
and watched him crumple to the floor. I flew towards him but he was already up
again, feet planted and ready to fight me off. I was glad because I didn’t want
him to be seen as some defenseless victim like it had been when Yoongi had
gotten hold of him. I wanted him to swing back so that I could exert the full
extent of my rage on the bastard.
It was only him and me right now, everything else was background noise as we
went punch for punch, blow for blow, slugging it out around the kitchen no
holds barred. He somehow managed to get out of my range and our positions had
switched during the brawl, him being closer to the island now. I saw his lips
moving, but there was no sound; my fury wouldn’t let me hear him. It’s not like
I wanted to hear anything that asshole had to say anyway, our fists could
handle all communication as far as I was concerned.
I was tired of playing around with him though. While he put up a good fight,
his punches were absolute trash. Fighting him like this was a waste of time and
I wanted this to end…I wanted him gone.
For the first time in a very long time, I let the old Jungkook loose. He was a
demon of the worst kind; a numb, merciless, evil thing who had been locked away
after his brutal, but necessary, assault on Kim Taesuk. This Jungkook laughed
at pain and feared nothing. Chaos had returned and anyone who got in the way of
him and his goal was in grave danger. I smiled as I advanced on him; he was as
good as dead.
I put all of my energy, all of my hatred, all of those bad feelings resulting
from his deviousness into one punch and let it fly, hoping that I drive my fist
right through his skull. At the last minute, I saw him flying off to side,
falling to the floor, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. I saw my
angel, my love, my only reason for living standing in his place but it was too
late to stop. I could only watch in outrage as my fist connected with his
beautiful face, knocking him back against the island. I saw his already damaged
back connect with the sharp edge and suddenly I could hear again because I
heard him cry out miserably in pain.
A quiet no escaped my lips as I watched him fall to his knees first, eyes
closed now, and then forward onto his stomach. He was still, too still, and I
didn’t know what to do. I guess even the devil had a soft spot for Kim Taehyung
after all because upon seeing him get hurt, the old Jungkook fled and left me
to deal with it on my own.
“Tae?” I heard from somewhere off to my side. I looked over to see everyone
crowded at the patio door entrance, watching with varying expressions of anger,
disgust, and pity. It was Yoongi who had spoken; even though it was higher in
pitch than normal and shaking with emotion, I would have known it anywhere.
“Tae!” He rushed over, pushing me aside without even acknowledging what I had
done.
I could feel tears running down my face already but when I saw the red
blossoming across Tae’s back, seeping through his shirt, I started to bawl.
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t meant for him.” I don’t
know if anyone heard me.
Namjoon sprinted off, probably to get the medical bag he kept in his trunk for
emergencies such as this, while Mr. Min and my father helped Hoseok to his
feet. Seokjin had his arm around Eomma Yun, trying to calm her as she cried
while the two detectives comforted their women.
I was so ashamed of myself, so angry that I had lost control. Seeing the
judgment on all their faces; hearing Yoongi calling out to Taehyung, trying to
get him to respond as he knelt next to him…fingers hovering near his body but
fear preventing him from actually touching him; Hoseok being comforted and
looked over as if he were the victim again…it was too much to take in.
I did the only thing I could do. I ran.
                                     *****
I heard the door open and close; I could feel him making his way towards me. I
was so attuned to his presence, so in sync with his aura, so aware of who he
was and what he felt that I knew before the door closed that it was Kim
Taehyung coming out of concern for me. I should have known that he wouldn’t
hold it against me. I didn’t deserve his love, especially after what I did, but
I waited for him to come.
I heard the lamp click on and shielded my eyes from the light. “Have you cooled
off, Jungkookie?” I could feel him crawling closer on the bed. He took a seat
right next to me; I rolled over and put my head in his lap. The comforting and
familiar sensation of his fingertips raking my scalp soothed me.
“Somewhat. I sure know how to break up a party, don’t I?”
“It wasn’t as bad as you think it was.”
“Where is everybody?”
“Griffin and Wilson left to give us privacy. Your father stayed long enough to
help us clean up and then left. By the way, he said for you to call him when
you feel better.”
“He’ll be waiting forever then because I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself
for this one.”
“Eomma, Appa, Joon, and Jinnie are in the living room hanging out. They refused
to leave, so I invited them all to stay. I always wanted to have a sleepover,
so that’s a good thing.”
“Ugh. Stop being so positive about it.” I slipped one arm around his lower
back, playing with shirt nervously. “How mad is everyone? Honestly.”
“No one is mad at you, not even Hoseok. Everybody wanted to check in on you to
make sure you’re okay, but I told them to give you space.”
“Thanks for that.”
He nodded. “I explained that it was an accident and since everyone knows that
you would never hurt me intentionally, they accepted the truth easily. Eomma is
a bit disappointed that she didn’t get to join in though.” He laughed lightly,
pausing his ministrations. “Appa chastised her, rightly so, but now I’m worried
that he won’t survive the night.”
“You didn’t mention Yoongi-hyung. Should I be worried about surviving the
night?”
“He’s a little mad, he wouldn’t be my Yogi if he weren’t, but he’s more worried
about the two of us than anything. He should be back any minute. He left a
while ago to check out of the hotel so we can stay here…if that’s okay with
you.”
“Why should it matter what I think when it’s your house?”
“It’s our home and if you weren’t okay with it, it wouldn’t happen.”
It was quiet. “Did I hurt you? Are you okay? Be honest with me, don’t tell me
what you think I want to hear.”
“What do you take me for, some kind of weakling? It was a punch. It was
nothing.”
“But your back…you were bleeding.”
“It stopped once, it’ll stop again. It was just that a few staples tore away.
Joon cleaned it, stitched it, and applied fresh bandages. I’m fine.”
I shuddered at the memory of his blood-soaked shirt and his still body. “I’m so
sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I stepped into the punch hoping that it would help you
regain control of yourself. It worked.” He ruffled my hair playfully and I
leaned into his touch. “I probably should have warned everyone that I invited
him. The last time we were all together we managed to avoid something like this
happening, so I assumed we would be okay this time. I apologize for not telling
you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t…don’t start up with that again. Stop trying to make my
actions your fault.”
“I’m not. I’m just accepting my share of the blame. You were definitely wrong,
Jungkook. He only wanted the opportunity to apologize to you guys again so I
encouraged him to come. It was poor judgment on my part, but you didn’t even
let him speak before you attacked. You lost control and that’s not okay.”
“It wasn’t poor judgment, you were just being a good friend as usual.” He
hummed his disagreement but didn’t speak. “I should have tried harder to keep
my cool.” I rolled over onto my side so that I could better see his face. “Are
you…are you mad at me, Tae? I would understand if you hate me.”
“How could I ever be mad at you? How could I hate you?” He lovingly stroked my
cheek; my eyes closed in pleasure.
“Vegas,” I reminded him.
“Ah…that.” He sighed heavily and even though I couldn’t see him smile, I could
feel it. “Even then it wasn’t really anger at you, rather a denial of the
truth. Before my memories came rushing back all I wanted was you, Jungkook,
just you. I wanted you to tell me what I wanted to hear and when you failed to
do it, I lashed out.” His fingers left my hair and made their way to my cheek.
“I don’t think I ever told you that the only reason I left the room was that I
couldn’t stand to watch you leave even though I was the one who told you to go.
I wanted you to stay by my side, Kookie, even though I was hurt by what you
did. Back then I would have rather you lied to me so that we could stay
together.”
“I want to go back, Tae.” I sat up and faced him cross-legged, grabbing his
hands in mine. “I think telling you the truth will always be one of my biggest
regrets. One little lie could have prevented all of this. Lying back then would
have changed everything.”
“Not for the better, Jungkook…maybe short term, but not in the long run.”
“Maybe not, but at least then I would have gotten the chance to be with you.”
“At what cost though, Kookie?” he asked seriously. “You telling me the truth
proved to me that I fell in love with someone great. When you refused to lie to
me at first, I saw it as betrayal, but when I came to my senses it made me love
and appreciate you even more. You earned my respect and trust, Kookie. Your
selflessness at that time showed me your sincerity, how much you truly cared
for me.”
“Care, Tae. Still care…which is why I lost my shit out there. I hate that
asshole and I can’t believe you’re trying to forge a friendship with him after
all the trouble he caused. How could you do that? Why did you have to invite
him here to our home? After what he did to you, why would you?” I cried.
“I don’t blame Hoseok for what happened to me. I chose to go the Grandfather on
my own.”
“After he lied to you! He made you cry and broke your heart. It’s because of
him that you went back to the mansion and all of those horrible things happened
to you. I can’t forgive him, Tae.”
“You can. I did it, you can, too.”
“I’m not like you, Tae. I’m not a good person. I’m petty, I hold grudges, and
I’m a hothead. And it’s not that I can’t forgive him, rather that I won’t. He
doesn’t deserve to look in your direction much less have your friendship. I’m
willing to do a lot for you, Tae, but accepting that bastard is going one step
too far.”
“I think you should hear him out. You might find that you two have more in
common than you think.”
“I’m not ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
“You won’t have a choice soon. He’s going to be around much more now that he’s
moving here and things will flow so much smoother if you two don’t try to kill
each other every time you meet.”
“What?” I asked, completely shocked. “Why is he moving here?”
“He’s going to work for me.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“It’s not. I see good in him just like I saw good in you. He made a mistake,
but he’s remorseful. I have to give him a chance to prove himself.
“You don’t.”
“I don’t have to, but I want to. Everyone deserves an opportunity for
redemption.”
“I disagree, but who am I to judge. You've given me so many chances that I've
lost count, so have at it.” He smiled; I grimaced. “Fuck. I’m going to have to
see him a lot then, right?”
He nodded. “I thought tonight would be the best time to integrate him into our
group. With so many people around, I thought it would be easier on everyone.”
“And I completely fucked that up.”
“Not really. You actually got a lot of people to sympathize with him. So, good
job, Jungkookie.” I groaned as he laughed.
“It isn’t funny. None of this is funny.” I gently poked his bruised cheek.
“This is the second time I hit you, Tae. I won’t ever forgive myself for it.”
“You didn’t mean to hit me. That makes all the difference, Kookie.”
“Not to me.”
He stood and stretched, letting out a small squeak at something that pained
him. When he was done, he smiled and extended his hand. “Come on. Everybody’s
waiting to see you. You don’t want them worrying all night do you?”
“Do I have to?”
“No, but I really think you should. You won’t feel so guilty once you see how
many people are supporting you.” I let him pull me to my feet. “You trust me,
right?”
“Yes,” I answered quickly.
“Then let’s go.”
He pulled me out of the room and down the stairs, into the living room where
our family was spread about watching television. Seokjin, Namjoon, and Yoongi
were seated on the huge sofa while Eomma sat atop Mr. Min’s lap in an armchair.
All eyes turned towards us when we entered and I saw that it wasn’t judgment in
their eyes this time. I only saw concern as they all stared at me. I felt so
grateful to have so many people caring for me that I choked up. “I’m sorry,” I
said softly. “For everything that happened tonight, I’m truly sorry guys.”
Eomma and Seokjin were the only two who smiled their acceptance of my apology,
but I could tell that the others forgave me, too.
Tae led us over to the sofa where I squeezed in between Seokjin and Namjoon and
he clambered into Yoongi’s lap. Even though there was a lot of space between
us, he didn’t let go of my hand.
I warily snuck a peek at Yoongi who was now outright glaring at me. “Hyung…just
say it and get it over with.”
He took a deep breath to calm himself first before speaking. “This is my last
time saying it, pay attention this time, brat.” I prepared myself for a verbal
beatdown, though no one else looked worried. Taehyung was even smiling as he
shook his head. “Together. You and me, we’re supposed to finish him together.
Whenever you make moves without me it ends up badly because planning and being
covert just isn't your thing. Wait for hyung next time, Jungkook. Always wait
for hyung.” And then he grinned that gummy, menacing smile that sent frost up
my spine. “Do you hear me clearly, Jeon Jungkook? That was the last time...”
“I do, hyung. It won’t happen again, I promise.”
And that was that. I let myself get lost in whatever was happening on the
screen, sandwiched between Joonie and Jinnie while clasping Tae’s hand in mine.
Having a real family like this one was something I never expected to happen to
a dumbass like me, but I was damned grateful, damned lucky that it did.
Chapter End Notes
     So, our Kookie messed up. How many of you forgot about Hoseok?
     Hehehehe... I love that they didn't judge Kookie harshly because he's
     been trying so hard to better himself. One slip up, it's allowed
     right? I'm sorry, Hoseok, this was your last time as a punching bag.
     :)
     Yoongi gave me the hardest time this chapter because there were so
     many ways he could have reacted to what happened. Since they were
     little he's had a problem with people touching his Taehyung, so I
     thought it would be interesting to make them fight. But it just
     didn't fit with the rest of the chapter. He and Jungkook are so
     similar, damn it, they are like one person living in two bodies
     sometimes, so it just made sense to me that Yoongi would understand
     better than anyone else why Jungkook snapped. It ended up like this
     and I'm pretty happy with it.
     There were so many small things in this chapter I loved, but the
     sweetest most touching moment for me was Jungkook snapping the
     picture of Tae and Yoongi dancing together. Even as recently as last
     chapter (the same day in their time), it was hard for him to watch
     them together. Him finally accepting them completely, it meant a lot
     to me. I also liked Kookie's moments with Eomma Yun and Yoongi.
     Feel free to share your favorite part with me.
     Up next:
     Chapter 62 - The Big Payback
     Kim Taesuk's chickens come home to roost.
End Notes
     First off, first fanfic I've wrote EVER. The only experience I've had
     with them is reading the wonderful stories I've found here. I'm in
     awe of the authors here and I'm hoping that a modicum of their
     talents seeped into my brain as I read their works. I'm praying...
     I wanted to write a story where I built up a strong case for both
     guys and make it hard for readers to choose who they wanted Taehyung
     to end up with. I wanted extreme fluff but somehow it turned into
     fluff and angst and humor with a little bit of gore.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!