Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5537867.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      One_Direction_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Harry_Styles/Louis_Tomlinson, Niall_Horan/Harry_Styles, Eleanor_Calder/
      Louis_Tomlinson
  Character:
      Harry_Styles, Louis_Tomlinson, Niall_Horan, Liam_Payne, Josh_Devine, Ed
      Sheeran, Stan_Lucas, Gemma_Styles, Eleanor_Calder, Anne_Cox, Des_Styles,
      Jay_Tomlinson
  Additional Tags:
      larry_stylinson_-_Freeform, Top_Louis, Bottom_Harry, Anal_Sex, Anal
      Fingering, Attempted_Rape/Non-Con, Sexual_Assault, Coming_Out, Friends_to
      Lovers, there_is_some_narry, and_also_elounor, Bullying, Cutting, I'm
      pretty_sure_there_are_implied_if_not_explicit_suicidal_thoughts, Panic
      Attacks, Friends_since_birth, Best_Friends, Louis_is_an_only_child_in
      this_one, Also_Anne_&_Jay_don't_get_remarried, Post-Traumatic_Stress
      Disorder_-_PTSD, I'm_just_listing_tags_as_they_come_to_me, Social
      Anxiety, there_is_a_lot_of_crying, Starvation, mild_but_implied_anorexia,
      I_think_that's_it_really_I'm_sorry_if_I_forgot_anything, Oh_also, Next
      Door_Neighbors, Alternate_Universe_-_Childhood_Friends
  Series:
      Part 1 of The_Playground
  Collections:
      readfics_larry
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-12-26 Chapters: 2/2 Words: 96019
****** My Hands Pressed to Your Cheeks, A Long Way From the Playground… ******
by SilverShadow1
Summary
     Harry and Louis have been best friends since the day that Harry was
     born and Louis was told to take Harry under his wing. Somewhere along
     the way, they learn that the love that they always had for the other
     might run deeper than they originally realized.
     Or
     The one where Louis is Harry's guardian angel, but he has always
     considered Harry to be his angel.
Notes
     I don't know what to say other than I worked on this fic for ages and
     I'm extremely proud of it, so I hope that all of you enjoy it as
     well. It gets quite emotional at times and there are important
     trigger warnings that you should address in the tags before reading
     it. At heart, this story is meant to be light, but it has some
     extremely dark themes, so be cautious and please do not read it if
     you think it will compromise your own health in any way.
     So, without further ado, here is my first full fic!
***** Part I: The Heart *****
~Louis’ POV~
“Come on Louis, it’s time to meet him!”
“Why?” whined Louis.
“Because he’s our new neighbor,” explained Jay patiently, as she adjusted Louis
on her hip. “And he’s Gemma’s younger brother. You and Gemma are friends,
right?” Louis nodded.
The pair of them walked into the hospital room where Anne Styles was laying
with a smile on her face and a bundle wrapped in her arms. Beside her stood her
husband Des who was holding their three-year-old daughter Gemma. She was only a
year older than Louis, though both were born in the same month. She waved at
him as he and Jay entered the room, to which he responded to by giggling and
sticking his tongue out at her.
“Oh, Anne, he’s beautiful,” smiled Jay, supporting Louis as she looked down at
the newborn baby boy. “He’s the spitting image of you!”
“We’re so blessed,” murmured Anne, staring at the boy in admiration.
“What’s his name?”
“Harry Edward Styles.”
Louis snickered.
“That’s a funny name!”
Jay shushed him.
“It’s not nice to tease people, Boobear. Behave.” Louis pouted. “Would you like
to say hi to Harry?”
“He’s sleepy,” Louis pointed out, and the adults chuckled.
“That means you should whisper so that you don’t wake him up.” Louis nodded and
Jay brought him closer so he could see Harry.
“Hi Harry,” Louis said, whispering rather dramatically. “I’m Louis.”
Suddenly, Harry’s eyes shot open, surprising all of them. Louis stared at the
baby’s remarkably green eyes and smiled.
“He’s funny looking. I like him.”
The adults smiled, looking between the two boys fondly when Harry let out a
gurgle. Suddenly, Harry’s short, chubby little arm poked out of his blanket. He
reached out for Louis.
“I think he likes you, Boobear,” said Jay, smiling.
Louis reached out and held Harry’s hand delicately. He marveled at how small it
was next to his own rather small, but by comparison large hand.
“We’ll let you rest,” said Jay after a couple of moments. “Please, let me know
if there’s anything that we can do for you before or when you come back home.”
“Thank you, Jay. Goodbye Louis,” said Anne, waving at him along with the other
two Styles’.
Louis ignored them though, still focused on baby Harry until his mother left
with him and the family was out of sight.
“I like him,” said Louis, later that night as Jay tucked him into bed.
“Who?”
“Harry Edward.” Jay smiled.
“I’m glad Louis because you’re going to need to watch out for him.”
Louis fixed her with a quizzical look so she explained.
“Harry is two years younger than you are so he will need protecting. I reckon
that the two of you will be best mates so being older, it is your
responsibility to make sure that he doesn’t get hurt. Kind of like how an older
brother would protect his younger sibling. Do you understand?”
“I think so,” said Louis, nodding after a moment. “So I’m Harry’s guardian
angel?”
Jay smiled.
“I suppose so, yes. Though, he kind of looks like an angel too, don’t you
think?”
Louis thought about it then nodded.
“Yes.”
“Goodnight sweetheart,” said Jay, kissing him on the forehead and then turning
off the light.
“Goodnight mummy.”
Louis rolled over in bed, staring at the stars that lit up his room from the
night sky. In that moment one thing seemed perfectly clear to him, even in his
two-year-old mind.
Louis may be Harry’s guardian, but Harry was most certainly his angel.
***
It was a crisp autumn day and that meant Louis and Harry were playing at the
playground while Anne and Jay socialized and kept a close eye on the duo.
Two years had passed since Louis’ conversation with Jay the night after he met
Harry and the two were thick as thieves, despite Harry being two years younger
than Louis. Now that Gemma was in school, Louis and Harry spent most of their
days together playing games and causing mischief, at least in their own minds.
“Lou-Lou!” squealed Harry. “Push me harder.”
Harry was laughing on the toddler’s swing set. The set was small enough that
Louis could push Harry with no struggle.
“Careful angel,” smiled Louis. “If I push you any higher you might spread your
angel wings and fly away.”
Harry giggled cutely.
“Please, Lou-Lou?” The older boy smiled and obliged.
Louis watched as Harry practically flew off of the swing. He admired how
Harry’s golden hair sparkled in the Sun and how his green eyes lit up with
glee. Unfortunately, he did not notice the swing coming back down at him until
it hit him square in the chest, sending him flying backward and knocking the
wind out of him.
“Louis!” screamed Anne and Jay, running over in a panic. Anne unstrapped Harry
from the seat and held him as Jay ran over to make sure Louis was okay.
“Boobear, are you okay?” Jay asked with tears in her eyes. “Did you hit your
head?”
Louis shook his head.
“No mummy. Just didn’t see him coming back down.”
After she checked his head for any abrasions or bumps and checked his eyes for
any sign of a concussion, she accepted his answer and fixed him with a stern
stare.
“Promise me that you’ll never push him so high again,” scolded Jay, and Louis
frowned.
“But he was flying mummy. He was flying like an angel.”
Jay sighed and hugged her son tightly. He returned the hug, looking up at
Harry. The boy looked sad now that he was no longer on the swing, but he caught
Louis’ eye and giggled when the older boy winked at him.
“Why don’t you boys stick to the sandbox,” suggested Anne and Jay nodded in
agreement.
“Okay!” said Louis. Anne lowered Harry to the ground and Louis grabbed his hand
before running of with him toward the desired area. Harry laughed as Louis
stuck his other arm out like he was a superhero.
“I’m Superman!” cried Louis, jumping into the sandbox. He turned to Harry. “And
you’re my Lois Lane.”
“But she’s a girl,” Harry whined. “I’m a boy.”
“But he’s her guardian and she’s his angel,” said Louis like it was the most
obvious thing in the world. “And you’re my angel.”
“Why am I your angel?”
“Because you look like an angel,” said Louis, grinning. He took out a polo from
his snack bag and put it above Harry’s head. “Look, now you’ve got a halo!”
Harry giggled.
“Let’s build a castle!”
“Okay, but I want to be the prince.”
***
“Shhh,” whispered Louis, holding a finger to Harry’s lips. The younger boy
looked up at Louis with wide eyes. He pushed Louis’ finger off of his lips.
“Why do I have to be quiet?” whispered Harry.
“Because we’re ninjas and I said so.”
“Why are you the boss?” asked Harry petulantly. Louis fixed him with a glare.
“Because I’m five and you’re only three.”
“So?”
Louis did not respond to Harry, he simply peeked around the corner again. Gemma
was sitting on the couch with one of her friends from school, Eleanor.
“Why are we spying?” persisted Harry.
“Because they’ve got cooties,” explained Louis, and Harry frowned.
“Gemma says cooties are stupid.”
“Of course she would say that. She’s a girl!” Harry nodded rapidly.
“Right.”
“On three we attack,” Louis whispered. “I’ll get Eleanor, you get Gemma.” Harry
nodded again.
“One… two… three!”
Both boys charged into the den and jumped on the girls, toppling them off the
sofa. Both girls squealed, trying to slap the boys off of them, but were
laughing as they did so.
“Harry Edward Styles, you get off me right now!” laughed Gemma, swatting her
baby brother’s chubby hands off of her arms as he tried to pin her down. “Just
because I’m a girl does not mean that I can’t beat you every time.”
Harry stuck out his tongue at her. He turned to see where Louis had gone and
saw him giggling on the floor in a tickle war with Eleanor who was begging for
mercy. Harry frowned.
Louis did not look like he was afraid of getting cooties.
***
“I don’t want him to go!” sobbed Harry, clinging to Louis’ torso.
It was the first day of school for Louis and being two years Louis’ junior,
Harry still had to wait to join Louis and Gemma.
“It’s going to be okay, Harry. You’ll still see him all the time,” soothed
Anne, trying to placate her son. “And in two years you’ll be joining him too.”
“But I want to go now. Can’t I go now?” pleaded Harry, tears streaming down his
face. It broke Louis’ young heart to see his angel so distressed.
“Let me speak to him,” he said, pulling Harry aside so that they could talk in
private. Harry sniffled, not removing himself from Louis as they walked outside
to sit on the porch swing.
“What’s the matter angel?” Louis asked, his eyes sad as he looked at Harry’s
own red-rimmed ones.
“You’re leaving me,” hiccupped Harry. “You’re going to be with Gemma and
Eleanor all day and will make new friends and you won’t like me anymore.”
“Why wouldn’t I like you anymore?”
“Because I’m too young to be in school and I’m just a baby.”
Louis frowned.
“Who called you a baby?”
“Gemma.”
“Well, she’s wrong. You’re not a baby… you’re my angel.”
He had hoped that this would make Harry smile like it normally did, but no such
luck. Sighing, he pulled Harry closer to his side so that the younger lad could
cuddle with him. Louis paid no mind as Harry’s tears got onto his uniform. He
hated the blasted get-up anyway.
Harry continued to shake with grief and Louis stroked his soft, golden hair.
His hair was easy to run his hands through and he knew how it relaxed Harry
when he did so. Now was no exception because sooner than later, he managed to
get Harry breathing slowly against him.
“He’s asleep,” said Louis when Anne, Jay and Gemma walked outside to check on
them.
Anne smiled sadly at her baby boy and picked him up in her arms. He did not
stir and merely cuddled into the crook of her neck.
“Ready for school?” asked Gemma eagerly, reaching her hand out to grab Louis’.
“We’re meeting Eleanor at the bus stop.”
Louis offered her a weak smile.
Was he ready to leave Harry?
***
“How was it?” asked Harry later that night.
The pair of them were in Harry’s bedroom playing with his racecar set. Harry
had said very little since Louis had left that day, but finally gathered up the
courage to ask the older boy about his day.
“Horrible,” Louis replied. Harry stared at him shrewdly.
“Don't lie. Mummy says lying is bad.” Louis sighed.
“What do you want me to say, Haz?”
“The truth. How was school?”
“Not bad,” shrugged Louis. “I ate lunch with Gems and Eleanor. I also met these
lads in my class – Stan, Liam, Calvin and Oli. They were nice.”
Harry looked downcast, staring at his black, mini Mercedes. Louis bumped his
shoulder playfully.
“Not as cool as my best mate though,” he said with a teasing smile. Harry’s
lips twitched slightly.
“Yeah? Who’s that?”
Louis pretended to think for a while.
“He’s this blond boy. Acts a lot older than he is and sometimes I think that
he’s just pretending to be three and is really an old man trapped in a little
boy’s body.” Harry snickered.
“He sounds pretty cool.”
“The coolest.”
***
-2 Years Later-
“Louis Tomlinson, you remember your promise to me, right?”
“Yes mummy,” said Louis with a smile. “Watch out for Harry.”
“It’s his first day of school,” explained Jay. “It’s going to be overwhelming.
You remember what it was like, right?” Louis nodded. “Then I trust that you’ll
make sure that he finds his way everywhere safely?” Louis nodded again.
“Good boy,” said Jay, kissing him gently on the top of his head. “Now go on,
Harry and Gemma will be waiting for you at the bus stop.”
“Goodbye mummy,” chirped Louis, hugging Jay before practically skipping out of
the house.
He hurried down the street to the familiar bus stop that he had been going to
now for two years. He loved school. Well, for the most part. He had nice mates
and he stuck to them mostly, but also found himself spending time with Gemma
and Eleanor and their friends when he could. It was because of that though that
he got flack from other children in his year.
Most of them teased him about his voice. He couldn’t help that it was squeaky
and higher than most boys’ even though they were all young. He hated when they
pointed it out, but he mostly ignored it, cracking jokes and snarky remarks at
them in return and that usually made them back off.
Despite being only seven, where he lacked in popularity with the boys in his
year, he certainly made up for with his girl classmates. They all flocked to
him during break time despite his minimal interest in them. Sure, they were
nice but as far as he was still concerned, most girls were icky. The only
exception were Gemma and Eleanor who were both nice and not as giggly. Louis
could not stand the giggles.
All of a sudden he heard a familiar giggle though that made him smile. He was
approaching the Styles children when he heard it escape from Harry’s lips. He
loved Harry’s laugh and it was the only person he could stand making such a
silly sound. On Harry the laugh was just funny and infectious.
“Louis!” cheered Gemma, wrapping her arm around his neck. “Just in time to see
lil’ Harry here fidget on his first day of school.” She leaned closer to him
and whispered loud enough so that Harry could also hear, “He’s nervous.”
“Am not,” retorted Harry, scowling at the ground. He was particularly focused
on kicking the pebble that was wedged between the crack in the pavement. “And
I’m not little!”
“Sure you’re not,” snorted Gemma. “And I’m not a girl.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“Watch it, twerp,” snapped Gemma, getting Harry in a headlock. He maneuvered
his way out though, flattening his hair once he did with an even deeper scowl
on his face.
“It’ll be fine, Haz,” said Louis reassuringly. He walked over to the boy and
threw an arm over his shoulder. He then leaned in and whispered so that only
Harry could hear, “I’ll be watching over my angel all day.”
Harry smiled shyly, looking up at Louis when suddenly a voice came from behind
them.
“Hi Louis.”
The three of them turned around to see Eleanor standing there timidly. She had
a smile on her face and her hair was in a neat little bun on top of her head.
Not a strand of hair out of place. Louis returned her smile.
“Hey Eleanor, how’s it going?”
“Well,” she replied, standing next to Gemma. “Ready for Year 4?”
“As I’ll ever be,” snorted Louis, looking down at his uniform in distaste. “I
didn’t miss wearing this over the Summer.”
Eleanor giggled slightly, causing both Styles children to look at her with a
baffled expression, but Louis did not seem to pay any mind. He was too busy
fixing Harry’s hair that was sticking up in the back.
“Knock it off, Lou,” he muttered, swatting Louis’ hand away. Louis rolled his
eyes.
“Fine. See if I care if you get called out by one of your teachers for looking
brutish.”
Harry’s eyes widened.
“W-What?”
“Kidding!” Harry smacked the back of Louis’ head, which made Eleanor frown.
Although both boys did not notice the look, it did not escape Gemma’s
attention.
“Oh, the bus is here,” she said, suddenly. “We’re going to go grab a seat up
front. Why don’t you two sit in the back with the other lads?” She did not wait
for a response before dragging Eleanor away, though she was too busy waving
goodbye to Louis to care.
“Come on then,” said Louis, pushing Harry onto the bus. “We’re holding up the
queue.”
Harry shuffled in, afraid to make eye contact for too long with anyone.
Eventually, he made it to the back of the bus without tripping over his own two
feet. More than once.
“Relax,” said Louis, sitting down next to him. Harry glared at him.
“Yeah, because that always helps. Thanks.” Louis squeezed Harry’s shoulder
reassuringly.
“I was nervous my first day too, it’s normal. I’ll be here though and so will
Gemma and Eleanor if you need any help.”
“You all have a different lunch than me though,” said Harry meekly. “What if I
can’t find anyone to sit with and have to eat alone?”
“It won’t come to that,” assured Louis. “I promise.”
“Don’t make promises that you can’t keep Lou.”
“Never,” replied Louis, crossing his heart then holding out his pinky for Harry
to grab. Harry looked down at it with a slight smile before grabbing it with
his own.
“Best mates regardless?” said Louis, smiling down at the boy.
“Best mates forever.”
***
~Gemma’s POV~
“Well?” said Gemma, sitting down with Eleanor at the front of the bus.
“Well what?”
“Are you joking? Since when do you fancy my kid brother’s best mate?”
Eleanor flushed, glancing around to make sure that Louis was nowhere near the
pair of them.
“I don’t fancy him,” she hissed. “I just have a little…”
“Massive crush?”
“Shut it!”
“Seriously El? Since when?”
“I don’t know… since that day they attacked us on the couches?”
Gemma nearly choked.
“He was four El, you were five!”
“So?” Gemma continued to look at her incredulously. “Look, it’s nothing
serious. It’s not like I fancy your brother or anything.”
“Ew, don't even say something like that.” Both girls laughed. Gemma loved Harry
to death, but the idea of anyone fancying her brother that way was unfathomable
to her. He was only five-years-old and acted dorky a majority of the time.
“So will you help me?” asked Eleanor after a while.
“Help you with what?” replied Gemma absentmindedly.
“Get Louis’ attention. All he focuses on when I’m around him is Harry.”
Gemma bit her lip.
“Give it time, El. You’re both still young…” Eleanor pouted. “But I promise
that when the time comes, I’ll see what I can do. Put in a good word or
something.”
Eleanor squealed and hugged Gemma while thanking her repeatedly. Gemma just
smiled weakly.
What was she getting herself into?
***
~Harry’s POV~
“So?” pressed Louis later that evening.
“So what?” asked Harry, raising an eyebrow. Louis looked at him petulantly.
“How was your first day?”
Harry smiled weakly.
-Flashback-
“Watch where you’re going, baby!” shrieked an older girl. She must have been at
least two years above him. He frowned.
“I’m not a baby!” he protested. She and her three friends snickered.
“Are you sure? You certainly sound like one,” smirked one of her guy friends.
He had red hair.
“Baby, baby, baby,” they all chanted.
Harry bit his lip, trying to stop his eyes from filling up with tears. The last
thing he wanted to do was cry in front of these mean people. It did not escape
their notice.
“Lookie here,” said the same bloke. “The baby’s crying. Go cry to your mummy,
baby.” All of a sudden the bell rang.
“Come on Stan,” said the original girl to his left. “We haven’t got much time
and you know how sir gets when we’re late.”
The four older students ran off, leaving Harry alone in the middle of the
corridor, tears now streaming freely down his cheeks. He wiped them away
aggressively.
Louis could not know about this.
-End Flashback-
“Angel? Earth to angel!” cried Louis. Harry’s head snapped up.
“What?” he asked sharply, taking Louis aback.
“What’s wrong? You got a weird look on your face.” Harry frowned.
“I’m fine,” he said shortly. “School was fine.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Not much had changed for Harry since that first day of school. The only
difference now was that he was five years older and, if you could believe it,
he was feeling worse about himself.
He walked with his head down in the corridor, focusing on his shoes. He found
that if he did not make eye contact with anyone that no one would hurt him.
Physically, anyway – he could still hear their murmurs.
“What a loser.”
“It’s no wonder he doesn’t have any friends.”
“So ugly.”
“I don't know why Louis gives him the time of day.”
That last one always hurt the most because he constantly found himself
wondering the same thing. Why was Louis still friends with him? Louis was
plenty popular in his own year, so he did not need Harry anymore. Harry needed
Louis.
“Hey mate,” said Louis cheerfully, swinging an arm over Harry’s shoulder and
breaking the latter out of his thoughts. Harry looked up at the boy with fear
in his eyes, causing Louis to frown. “Hey, what’s wrong angel?”
“N-Nothing,” stammered Harry, inwardly berating himself. “Just surprised is
all. Don’t you have lunch?”
“I’m on my way,” chirped Louis. “Eleanor is saving me a seat.”
Louis’ words made Harry’s squirm uncomfortably for some reason. He had no idea
why, but he had some off feeing toward Eleanor. He had for a while now, but he
tried to ignore it since both Louis and Gemma were good friends with her.
Louis was becoming extremely good friends with her.
“You two have gotten awfully close,” said Harry quietly. Louis nodded, not
noticing anything off with the other boy.
“I suppose so, she’s a nice girl,” he noted, his eyes drifting off somewhere
else. His mouth then widened into a grin. “Hey Stan! Over here, mate!”
Harry visibly tensed under Louis’ hold, but the latter chose that moment to
remove his arm and embrace Stan.
“How ya doing mate?” asked Louis, and Stan smirked as he eyed Harry.
“Good thanks. What are you doing with young Styles, here?”
Harry tried his hardest not to physically shake in Stan’s presence, but he knew
that the older boy could tell that he was terrified. The knowing smirk was
clear as day.
“Just walking angel here to maths,” explained Louis without thinking. Harry’s
eyes widened in horror at the look of glee that appeared on Stan’s face.
“Angel?” snorted Stan. “Mind if I call you that too, Styles?”
Harry’s hands were shaking so violently that he dropped his books on the floor,
causing Stan to erupt with laughter. Louis even let out a small chuckle.
“You all right, Haz?” He clearly had no idea of the impact of his words.
“F-Fine,” choked Harry, quickly gathering his belongings. “Bye.”
“Bye angel!” he heard Stan shout after him as he rounded the corner.
***
~Louis’ POV~
“What was that for?” asked Louis, slapping Stan upside the head. “Only I can
call him that.”
“What are you, a dirty f****t?” sneered Stan, stunning Louis.
“My mother says that word is foul.”
“Your mother?” Louis flushed and Stan put a hand on the cerulean-eyed boy’s
shoulder. “Listen mate, you want to be popular, yeah?”
Louis nodded anxiously.
“First things first, cut the pet name for Styles. Enough people think you’re
gay.”
“T-They do?” faltered Louis, his heart sinking. Stan nodded solemnly.
“Yeah mate, they do. But there’s an easy solution.”
“What is it?”
“Quit hanging all over Styles and go find a girl.”
“A… girl?”
“Don’t make me spell it out for you, Tomlinson. I know you know what a girl
is.”
Louis scowled at the other boy, smacking his hand off of his shoulder.
“Sod off. Come on, let’s go to lunch.”
As they walked to the dining area, Louis could not get Stan’s words out of his
head. Did people really think that he was gay? Did he really spend too much
time around Harry?
Could he really cut Harry loose?
***
“Hullo Louis,” smiled Anne. She was preparing supper moments before Louis
walked in the back door. “Harry’s upstairs.”
“Evening Anne,” smiled Louis. “But actually, I was looking for Gemma?”
Anne raised a surprised eyebrow. Her daughter and Louis, though once close
friends, hardly spent time one-on-one with each other anymore now that he and
Harry were best mates.
“She’s on the porch swing doing homework.” Louis smiled at her. “You’re welcome
to stay for dinner.”
“Thank you Anne, but I’m strictly here on business!” he called back into the
kitchen, causing Anne to chuckle to herself.
Louis let himself out the front door and turned to the left where Gemma was
sitting, casually doing her French homework assignment while swinging back and
forth.
“Hullo Gems,” smirked Louis.
Gemma looked up and raised an eyebrow at him.
“Harry’s upstairs.” Gemma’s eyebrow inclined further.
“It’s you I’ve come to see. Why is that so hard for everyone to believe?”
“Maybe because you’re always attached at the hip to my kid brother?”
Louis grunted.
“Am I really that bad?”
“Who said it was a bad thing?” inquired Gemma, but Louis shook his head.
“Never mind. I need your help though.”
“Of course you do. What is it?” Louis took a deep breath.
“I need a girlfriend.” Gemma choked. “Not you!” he added as an afterthought,
flushing a bright pink. “You’re like a sister to me.”
“Blimey, you had me going there for a second. I was five seconds away from
changing my name and leaving the country.” Louis frowned.
“Am I really that unpleasant?”
“Aw Lou, you’re a catch,” smirked Gemma, throwing her arm around him. He
shrugged it off.
“Do you know anyone who could be my girlfriend or not?”
Gemma bit her lip and seemed to be contemplating whether or not she wanted to
say what was on her mind. Louis tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for her to
respond.
“How about Eleanor?” Now it was Louis’ turn to choke.
“As in our Eleanor? As in the one who’s seen me running around stark Eleanor?”
“The very same,” snickered Gemma. Louis thought it over.
“There’s no way she’d want to be my girlfriend.” Gemma rolled her eyes.
“For someone remarkably bright, you’re pretty dense, Lou.”
“…Thanks?”
“She’s fancied you for years!” Gemma cried before slapping a hand over her
mouth. Louis’ eyes widened.
“She’s what?” Gemma cursed under her breath.
“You can’t tell her that I told you or she’ll kill me!”
Louis ran a hand through his hair, staring at the passing cars on the street.
He then turned back to Gemma.
“Are you messing with me?” Gemma shook her head.
“Cross my heart.” Louis smiled slightly. “So how about it?” asked Gemma
anxiously. “Ask her to be your girlfriend?” Louis pondered it for a few
moments.
“Sure.” Gemma squealed, pulling Louis as she jumped up and hugged him. He
laughed, hugging her back.
What neither noticed was a certain forlorn lad listening and watching the two’s
encounter from his open bedroom window.
***
~Harry’s POV~
“Maybe because you’re always attached at the hip to my kid brother?”
“Am I really that bad?”
“Who said it was a bad thing?”
Louis’ words reverberated in Harry’s mind as he lay in bed that evening.
Something had changed and Harry did not have to be a rocket scientist to figure
it out.
Louis was tired of him.
He was finally starting to see Harry as the annoying baby that followed him
everywhere and with Stan’s help, Louis was finally getting ready to cut him
loose.
Well, Harry would beat him to the punch.
If Louis was planning to remove Harry from his life then Harry would remove
himself first.
***
Harry had not spoken to Louis in over a week. He had grown more isolated in
that time, much to his mother and sister’s concern. He only left his room for
meals and school. He also refused any visitors, including Louis.
“Harry, Louis is here to see you,” tried Anne with little hope that her son
would respond.
Harry didn’t respond, mostly because he had his headset in and was blasting
music. He was trying to erase the image he had been witness to earlier.
-Flashback-
Harry was sitting at his desk doing his French homework when he heard a
familiar high-pitched giggle coming from outside. He cringed, but could not
help himself from looking up. He was met with a less than pleasant sight.
Louis and Eleanor were kissing on the former’s porch. They were flush against
each other, so much so that Harry could not see where one ended and the other
began.
Harry felt his vision go red. So that’s whom Louis had replaced him with now.
He had heard the rumours. They were aimed at both of them. Harry had found them
preposterous, of course. He and Louis had been best mates and the pet names
were just natural to the two of them, as was the touchy-feely quality of their
friendship. There was no harm meant by it.
Though clearly he had been wrong there.
He felt his heart constrict as he continued to watch the two of them snog
without coming up for air. What made her any better than Harry? Sure, she was
pretty, but it was not like she was particularly interesting to speak with
about anything. All she did was smile and nod when you said something that she
was in agreement about.
Finally, the two of them untangled themselves and with a final peck, Louis bid
Eleanor goodbye before she ran down the block. Louis then looked directly at
him.
Harry’s heart flipped when he made eye contact with the older boy and
immediately dropped his gaze. He refused to look up to see if Louis was still
there, afraid that he would be and making repeated eye contact would only make
the situation that much more excruciating. Finally, after several long minutes,
he chanced a glance only to see that Louis was gone, much to his relief.
-End Flashback-
Harry did not hear the door slam open, nor did he see Louis since his eyes were
closed. He only recognized the boy’s presence once he ripped Harry’s headphones
off.
“Hey!” Harry protested. Louis narrowed his eyes at him.
“What are you playing at?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Like hell you don’t. First you drop me like a hot potato and now you’re spying
on Eleanor and me from your window? What are you – some voyeur?”
Heat made its way to Harry’s face. He snatched his headset back from Louis and
tossed it on his bedside table.
“I wasn’t spying. I looked up and you were in my line of vision. Trust me, I
had no pleasure watching you give her a tonsillectomy.” Louis rolled his eyes.
“Don’t be such a prude.”
“Shut it!”
“Make me.”
Harry jumped up from his laying position, pushing Louis back as he did so.
“Get out of here!” Louis’ eyes flashed.
“Fine, I will! But know that my leaving is final. Once I leave, I won’t come
back!”
“Good! I don’t need you anyways!” Louis laughed cruelly.
“Of course you do. It’s not like you have any friends!”
Silence filled the room. All that could be heard was the heavy breathing
between the two boys. As the moments passed in silence, Louis began to filling
with regret.
“Angel, I –” Harry cut him off.
“Never call me that again,” said Harry coldly. Louis swallowed. Harry never got
angry, let alone with him, and he did not care for the sight.
“Harry, I –”
“LEAVE!” screamed Harry, pointing his finger to the door. “I NEVER WANT TO SEE
YOUR BLOODY FACE AGAIN!”
Louis bit his lip, trying to hold in the tears that were threatening to escape
his tear ducts. It was no use.
He stumbled out of Harry’s room and the latter slammed the door after him,
bolting it before sliding down in a heap. He let out a heart-wrenching sob of
distress.
“It’s not like you have any friends!”
Harry sobbed louder. Louis was right, he did not have any friends. But it was
the fact that Louis was fully aware of that and brought it up that hurt Harry
the most.
All of this time he thought that Louis was truly that thick to not realize how
alone Harry was at school. Harry had truly believed that Louis thought that he
enjoyed school.
Learning how wrong he was made him realize how wrong he was about Louis.
***
~Louis’ POV~
Louis stumbled blindly into the house. He never fought with Harry, but his
words to the younger boy echoed in his mind, making his heart hurt.
“It’s not like you have any friends!”
Louis could not believe that he said such a cruel thing to his angel. Harry was
so sweet and innocent and never did anything to harm anyone and Louis just had
to go and break him.
Louis bit his lip guiltily. It had not taken any deep observation to realize
that Harry had no friends at school. However, he had no idea why. Louis just
assumed that Harry preferred to be alone. He still assumed that until the look
on Harry’s face moments ago in his bedroom. Now, he was not so sure.
“Boobear?” Jay called out from the den. Louis grimaced.
“Don’t call me that,” he snapped, and she came over to him with her arms
crossed.
“Watch your tone young man.” He hung his head. “Louis, darling, what’s wrong?”
Louis’ eyes began filling with tears and he dug the heel of his palms into his
eyes to try and stop the tears from flowing. Jay looked on in concern.
“Darling please, you know that you can talk to me about anything. Is it
something to do with Eleanor?” He shook his head then hesitated and nodded
slightly.
“Did you two have a fight?” Louis shook his head again.
Jay guided him over to the sofa and sat them both down, having Louis rest his
head on her lap as she stroked his hair. She waited patiently until he was
finally composed enough to explain himself to her.
“Ang – Harry and I had a fight,” he said quietly. Jay was silent, waiting for
him to continue. “A bad fight, mum. I said something awful to him and he said
that he never wants to see me again.”
He heard his mother take a deep breath and waited for a scolding.
“What’d you say, dear?”
Louis closed his eyes.
“I don’t wanna say.”
“Sometimes it helps to get these things off of your chest and that way I can
help you decide what to do next.”
Louis’ bottom lip trembled.
“Please don't hate me… he said that he didn't need me as a friend, so I yelled
back that of course he does, it’s n-not like he h-has any f-friends.”
“Louis William Tomlinson,” said Jay sternly, and Louis looked away.
“I know that I was wrong! I just – I was upset and I wasn’t thinking. He’s been
refusing to speak with me since –” Realization dawned on Louis. He face palmed
himself in frustration.
“I’m an idiot!” he screamed. Jay looked at him curiously. “Thanks mum!”
He got up to run out but not before Jay called him back. He turned around.
“What you said Louis… it’s not going to be easy from him to forgive you. Have
you forgotten what I said to you all of those years ago?”
Louis was silent.
“Harry is two years younger than you are so he will need protecting. I reckon
the two of you will be best mates so being older, it is your responsibility to
make sure he doesn’t get hurt.”
“He hates me, doesn’t he?” said Louis sadly. “I was supposed to protect him,
but I ended up being the one to hurt him.”
“Things happen Lou. I’m not saying that what you did was excusable, but people
make mistakes. Harry has always acted older than his age… I’m sure that with
time he’ll see that you didn’t mean what you said. Let him cool down before you
talk to him.”
Louis sighed, nodding before he trudged up to his room. He would let Harry
breathe a bit and then talk to him at first opportunity.
***
Harry was not in school for the rest of the week, which made Louis extremely
uneasy. Sure, he spent most of his time with Eleanor and Stan anyways, but it
was not as though it went unnoticed by him.
“So my parents are away this weekend,” smirked Stan. “And my older brother is
inviting some of his uni friends over. You know what that means?”
“What?” said Louis distantly, his mind not really on the topic. Eleanor was
tracing circles with her thumb on his hand, but he hardly paid it any mind.
“There’ll be alcohol.”
“So?”
“So? Get your head out of your arse, Tomlinson.” Eleanor gave Stan a
disapproving glare, which caused the latter to roll his eyes. “Any leftovers
are ours.”
Louis swallowed. He was only a few months shy of thirteen, but he had never had
a drink before. He knew that Stan had though and had even gotten pissed a
number of times. He had no idea how well he would hold his liquor before he
made a fool of himself.
“I don’t know…”
“Oh, come on, Lou-Lou. It’ll be fun!”
Louis inwardly cringed at the name. The last time he was called that was by
Harry and Harry had been two-years-old at the time. The nickname was simply
pathetic now.
“Saturday night?” Stan nodded. “I’ll be there.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
His mum was growing weary of his seclusion, Harry could tell. She wanted to
help him, but he refused to grant her access to any aspect of his life,
including the fight with Louis.
Unsurprisingly, he had not heard from Louis since that day. Thankfully, he did
not have to see him either because Harry had been acting sick all week to avoid
going to school. The act was not going to last much longer though and he was
certain that come Monday, his mum would make him return so that he does not
miss any more work. It was not like he has someone to bring him any of the
assignments.
Harry was currently laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Ever since the
fight, something had shifted inside of him. He rarely smiled and he could not
sleep. He had no appetite or any desire to do anything other than lay on his
bed or the floor of his room.
Harry was no fool. He knew that he was exhibiting some signs of depression.
He had done some research recently on the topic, wondering if he could find any
solutions. He found nothing suitable, but one awful “solution” when scrolling
through forums. The “solution” was clear as day on his upper arms.
He had not wanted to give into the temptation, but more and more he felt
himself itching to do something to compartmentalize his emotional pain and
redistribute it somewhere else. It had worked in the moment, but later he only
felt worse about himself.
Not bad enough though that he had stopped hurting himself.
He subconsciously picked at the scabs forming on his upper arms. Grimacing as
one opened, he immediately grabbed a tissue to soak up the blood and prevent it
from staining his t-shirt. The last thing he needed was his mum or Gemma seeing
it in the wash.
How had he come to this?
He went to the adjoining bathroom that he had in his room and flushed the
bloody tissues down the drain once the cuts had stopped bleeding. Hesitantly,
he looked at himself in the mirror.
He looked gaunt. For ten-years-old he was extremely underweight, but that was
no surprise to him since he hardly ate these days. His self-image issues were
growing worse with each passing day and it did not help when his own thoughts
were articulated daily by those who he passed in the corridors at school.
Ugly.
Fat.
Worthless.
F****t.
The last one was more recent. He never had considered himself gay before, but
maybe they were right. Or maybe they were not, but he simply looked like one.
What did a gay person even look like? Harry had no idea, but if it was the
reason for all of the hate he got then he certainly did not want to look like
one.
F****t. F****t. F****t. F****t. F****t.
The word kept echoing in his mind, causing him to bite his lip in pain until he
drew blood. He licked the wound, tasting the metallic quality.
That’s why he didn't want to be friends with you anymore, the voice in Harry’s
head taunted him. He knew you were a filthy f****t and was worried that people
would think that he fancied you.
The more he thought it over and tried to rationalize it, the more it made sense
to Harry. Of course that is why Louis left him and took up with Eleanor. She is
the prettiest girl in her year and certainly dating an older girl had its
perks.
Harry could feel the bile rising in his throat and promptly lifted the lid on
the toilet before spilling the contents of his stomach into it. He had no idea
what exactly he was throwing up considering that he had not eaten since he had
a few crackers yesterday.
When he finished emptying his stomach and rinsed his mouth, he left the
bathroom again to lay down on the floor like he had been doing previously.
F****t. F****t. F****t.
He closed his eyes.
Sometimes Harry wished that he had a turnoff switch.
***
“Gemma and I are going to a friend’s for the night, darling. Are you sure that
you don't want to come with us?” asked Anne from outside his door.
“No thanks mum, I’ve got some studying to do,” lied Harry, staring at the
ceiling.
“Okay, well call if you need anything or if there’s a problem you can go next
door to Jay’s, understand?”
“Yes, mum.”
“There’s leftovers if you’re hungry later.”
He nodded, fully aware that she could not see him, but he could not bring
himself to respond with another lie. It was not like he was going to eat
anyways.
He heard his mother’s footsteps fading as she walked back downstairs. Moments
later, he heard the ignition and knew that both she and Gemma were gone. He was
alone.
Harry hated being alone. Harry being upset and alone was a lethal combination.
Moving lethargically, he wandered to his adjoined bathroom. He took the
razorblade that he had nicked from Gemma’s medicine cabinet and stared at it
blandly.
Was it really worth it?
The words of his classmates danced around in his mind, encouraging him to drag
the devil object across his creamy, white skin. Finally, he sucked in a breath
and acquiesced.
He let out a cry of agony as he dragged it across his arm. He could feel his
old cuts opening up and new ones being formed below them. The pain, although
excruciating, was a nice distraction from the turmoil that typically occurred
solely in his mind.
***
It was one in the morning and Harry was sobbing so hard that he could hardly
catch his breath. He was in a fetal position on the floor, staring out his open
window at the stars as the tears streamed down his glowing cheeks.
He was in such agony. He had extreme hunger pains and had unknowingly cut
deeper than he ever had before and was paying the price for doing so now. The
fabric of his long-sleeve shirt was only making the wounds itch and become more
unbearable, but he could not risk falling asleep and then waking up only for
his mum to see the marks.
Harry just wanted the pain to go away and never return. He was crying so loudly
that he nearly missed the sound of the voice outside of his window. His eyes
widened in shock at the figure crouching on his fire escape.
“L-Louis?”
***
~Louis’ POV~
Stan’s party had not been for him. He had taken a few sips of the burning
liquid before feeling lightheaded and ditching the party. Although he was
slightly unsteady on his feet, he was not drunk and therefore, had his
principle faculties about him.
After getting home, he was about to enter the house when he heard a loud cry
from above. Frowning, he looked up and saw that Harry’s window was open.
Fear suddenly filled Louis’ body. Harry sounded like he was hurt and crying. He
let out another sob and the sound broke Louis’ already hurting heart. Was Harry
still upset because of him or was he upset about something else that caused him
to miss most of the week of school?
He went over to the front door and tried to open it, only to find it locked.
Anne and Gemma must have gone out for the night. There is no way that Harry
would be crying that loudly if either one of them was in the house.
He should really speak with Anne about giving him a key to the house. There had
been a time when he practically lived there anyways.
Had been a time.
Not anymore. Why was he even considering going up there? It is not like Harry
ever wanted to see him again.
But he still had not apologized and that was at the top of his list of things
that he needed to do. He needed Harry to know that he realized how out of line
he was and more than anything… he needed Harry back in his life.
Making a rash decision that was not wise to do, let alone if he had been
completely sober, Louis started climbing the escape ladder attached to Harry’s
bedroom window. Finally, he reached the top and let out a gasp.
Harry was curled in a heap on the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks. Louis
had never seen the younger lad look so broken and devastated and he hoped that
he never would again. The sight was enough to make him start crying as well.
Louis took a deep breath, wiping his tears away.
“Can I come in Haz?” he called over the sound of the wind.
Suddenly, Harry’s eyes shot up and Louis watched as he spoke the latter’s name
in shock. Gingerly, Harry stood up and stumbled to the window, lifting it so
that Louis could slip in. He did, but not without managing to catch his foot on
the ledge and topple on top of Harry. The two of them groaned, their bodies
aching from the collision.
Louis opened his eyes, suddenly realizing how close he and Harry were in
proximity. They had not been so close in a long time and Louis could not
believe that he had forgotten how bright Harry’s emerald eyes were.
They were not bright now, however. They were dull, bloodshot, puffy, but
unmistakably full of an indescribable pain that Louis knew was not attributed
to his landing on him. Gradually, he got off of the younger lad and extended a
hand to help him up. Harry stayed there on the ground though, staring up at
Louis as if he were an illusion.
Finally realizing that Harry had no intention of moving, Louis laid down next
to the boy and stared at him solemnly.
“W-What are you doing here?” stammered Harry, and Louis frowned.
Did he really make Harry that nervous?
“I heard you crying,” Louis replied, softly. Harry flushed.
“I-It was nothing. I’m fine.” Louis fixed him with a look.
“I know you’re not Haz, you can’t lie to me.” He took a deep breath. “That’s
not the only reason I came though. I – I wanted to apologize for what I said
the other day.”
“I’m sorry angel. I was upset when you said that you didn't need me anymore and
I said the first thing that popped into my head that I knew would hurt the
most. I would never intentionally hurt you. I care about you too much and never
want to lose you.”
Harry mumbled something under his breath that Louis did not quite catch.
“Come again?”
“I said that you lost me long before you threw my having no friends in my
face.”
Louis felt his eyes fill up with fresh tears.
“What’d I do to make you hate me, Haz?” Harry stared at him incredulously.
“You really don't get it, do you? I heard you that day talking to Gemma.”
Louis looked at him in confusion. What had he said that day that warranted
Harry not wanting anything to do with him?
“Maybe because you’re always attached at the hip to my kid brother?” Harry
mimicked before adding, “Am I really that bad?”
Realization struck Louis and he turned to face Harry fully in horror.
“I didn’t mean it how it sounded Harry!”
“Really?” sneered Harry, sitting up and crossing his legs. “Because it sounded
to me that you meant it exactly the way you said it. I’m just a nuisance to
you.”
“I was stupid Haz, I just wanted a girlfriend. People had begun talking and I
didn’t want them to think that I’m anything other than I really am.”
“Which is?” pressed Harry. Louis swallowed.
“Someone who isn’t interested in girls.” Harry stared at him shrewdly.
“And being friends with me compromised that. I’m not an idiot, Louis. I can
follow the trend here. Let me guess, it was Stan who suggested the whole
thing.”
“Yeah,” Louis breathed. “He meant no harm by it though.” Harry scoffed. “Please
Harry, I don’t want to lose you over some misunderstanding. I care about you
too much to just walk away from ten years of friendship.”
Harry sighed, biting his already painfully chapped lip. He nodded slowly.
“I don’t want to lose you either…” Louis beamed widely. “But maybe we should
stay away from each other in school.”
Louis looked at him baffled.
“Why?”
“We’re completely different in every way Louis. You’re popular, I’m not. You
have a girlfriend, I don’t. You…”
“I what?”
“You don’t need me slowing you down or making people think that you’re
something that you’re not.”
“Harry, listen to me,” said Louis, reaching out and grabbing hold of Harry’s
arms to steady him. Harry let out a yelp of pain and Louis immediately
retracted his hands in a panic. “What’s wrong? What’d I do?”
“N-Nothing,” said Harry too quickly. Louis’ eyes narrowed.
“Why are you wearing long sleeves? It’s only the beginning of October.”
“N-No reason. No, Louis, don't!” screamed Harry as Louis yanked up his sleeves.
The older boy gaped. All up Harry’s arms he could see the self-inflicted marks,
some old and some new. He traced them gently with his finger, retracting his
touch only when he felt Harry cringe. He looked up at Harry with tears of pain
in his eyes. The pain that he imagined was in his eyes was mirrored in Harry’s
own.
“W-Why?” Louis croaked, and Harry swallowed.
“It helps.” Without any warning, Harry promptly broke down again in tears,
covering his beautifully pained eyes with his hands.
Louis quickly gathered the boy up in his arms, cradling him against his chest
as he let his own tears fall steadily. The two boys sat there in Harry’s room,
rocking back and forth. The only sound that was heard were Harry’s wails and
Louis’ sniffling.
He had made a promise that he would protect Harry from ever being hurt, but he
had let his angel down. Now, Louis had to figure out how he could regain the
younger boy’s trust while meanwhile, helping him sort through his painful
emotions that would help him stop harming himself repeatedly.
***
Harry eventually cried himself to sleep that night and although he was knocked
out, Louis did not leave the lad’s room.
After Harry fell into an uneasy sleep, Louis lifted him up and placed him on
the bed. It was not difficult considering how light Harry was now. The
realization only made Louis more concerned as to whether the boy was eating
properly, which he doubted.
First thing’s first, he cleaned up Harry’s bathroom. He found the razorblade
and immediately pocketed it so that he could get rid of it at the earliest
opportunity. He also removed any other sharp objects that he could find in
Harry’s medicine cabinet.
One he had finished, Louis laid next to Harry for the rest of the night,
watching the steady rise and fall of the young boy’s chest. He cuddled Harry
into him, marveling at how warm he was and how right it felt now that he had
his angel next to him again. He vowed to never let anyone convince him again to
disregard his friendship with Harry, and that included Harry himself.
He knew that he would not listen to Harry telling him that they should stay
away from each other during school. Harry needed him just as much as Louis
needed Harry. They had always been a balancing act, bringing out the best in
the other and Louis had become his worst in Harry’s absence and he was not
going to make that mistake again.
Finally, when the sun rose and he was certain that Anne and Gemma would be
returning soon, Louis stretched his limbs and rose, but not before moving
Harry’s bangs and gently kissing him on the forehead. He was not sure what
brought him to do so, but it felt right for some reason and Louis decided not
to question the matter.
He hurried down the fire escape, bearing mind not to trip and fall. Carefully,
he inserted his key into the back door of his house, hoping that his mother
would not hear him. Thankfully, he was greeted by no one in the kitchen and
thought that he was in the clear when his foot hit the first step and his name
was called. He grimaced.
“Where have you been?”
He turned around slowly to be faced with the stony expression of his mother.
She did not look too impressed to see him so early in the morning, or at all.
“I – I was at Stan’s… remember?” he hesitated. Something was off.
“That’s funny,” said Jay sardonically. “That doesn’t explain why Eleanor called
this morning at 5am frantic about where you had gone off to. Care to explain?”
Louis swallowed thickly. He would have to thank Eleanor later for the situation
that she had now put him in with his mother.
“I was at the Styles’.”
“Now I know that can’t be true because I know for a fact that Anne and Gemma
were at a friend’s for the night.”
“I went to apologize to Harry.”
“At that time of night?” she said, incredulously. Louis nodded.
“I felt guilty and saw that his light was on so I climbed up his fire escape
and then spent the night with him.” It was not a complete lie, he was merely
omitting some of the finer details. His mother needn’t know that though.
Jay sighed, her lips forming into a thin line as she ran a hand over her weary
face.
“You scare me sometimes Louis. You don’t think about your actions before you
take them. Do you really think I couldn’t tell that Eleanor was intoxicated
when she called?”
Louis did not say anything. He knew that if he did then he would only bury
himself deeper. His mother knew what she knew. After all, she was not a mother
for nothing.
“I’m disappointed Louis.”
She was not screaming at him, but somehow her disappointment was worse. Not
only was it worse because it made him feel awful, but he knew that it was not
entirely deserved. Maybe he should not have had anything to drink and maybe he
should have let her know that he decided to go to Harry’s, but last night was
not a mistake. Far from it.
“I shouldn’t have gone to Stan’s, I knew what he had planned,” said Louis
shortly. “But I’m not going to apologize for going to Haz’s. I couldn’t live
with myself knowing that I put him through any pain and I needed to make
amends. Ground me if you have to, but my friendship with him is worth more than
anything else in the world.”
Jay stared at him for several long moments and he wished that he could open her
head so that he could read her thoughts. Eventually, she spoke.
“Go take a shower and then get ready. We’re going to the Styles’ for breakfast
so we’ll talk more later.”
He nodded in acknowledgment and ascended the stairs in silence. He had gotten
off easy.
But could the same be said for Harry?
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry woke up with throbbing pains shooting up both of his arms. At first he
was confused, but then memories of the previous night came crashing down on
him. The cutting, Louis arriving, Louis apologizing and then discovering that
Harry had been self-harming. It was all extremely humiliating for Harry, but he
could not rewind time, nor could he pretend that it had not happened. Louis
certainly would not allow him to do so.
“Harry, darling, breakfast.”
“I’ll be down in ten, mum.”
He trudged to the bathroom, immediately opening the medicine cabinet and
sensing something was off. It did not take him long to realize that Louis must
have been in here removing every object that he could potentially use to harm
himself. While Louis doing so frustrated him, he also felt slightly warm by the
consideration and felt a ghost of a smile dance on his lips.
It was a start.
Harry went through his regular routine of washing up and changing into a
sweatshirt before he left his bedroom and descended the stairs. When he entered
the dining room, he saw his mum and Gemma sitting there side-by-side and across
from Louis and Jay. He froze when he made eye contact with Louis.
Louis smiled slightly at him and he tried to smile back, but was certain, based
on Louis’ confused expression that it came out more as a grimace. Unfortunately
for Harry, since he was last to the table, all of the seats were taken and he
had to sit next to Louis.
“How was your night, darling?” asked Anne with a light smile.
“Erm – it was good, thanks,” Harry said, quietly. He could feel Louis’ eyes
burning into the side of his head, but he refused to look at him. He smiled
meekly at Anne who seemed to find his answer sufficient. She then began
chatting with Gemma and Jay.
“How are you really?” Louis whispered into his ear. He shivered, feeling Louis’
breath against his skin, but dismissed the feeling.
“I’m fine,” he said, shortly. “Like I said.”
He heard Louis let out a frustrated huff and he said nothing more so Harry
assumed that he had finally dissuaded him. While he was eating though he felt
Louis’ pinky slide against his own, squeezing it in support. He dropped his
fork in shock.
“Are you all right, dear?” asked Anne concerned. All eyes turned on him and he
flushed.
“Y-Yeah, sorry. Just got a hand cramp is all.”
The mothers accepted this, but Gemma gave him a weird look to which he scowled
at her in return. He then turned to Louis.
He still had his pinky entwined with Harry’s, but he was busy focusing on his
breakfast. However, when Harry looked closely he could see a slight lift in
Louis’ lips.
Harry decided to test the theory and squeezed Louis’ pinky in return, waiting
to see a reaction on the boy. He was surprised to see Louis’ smile become more
pronounced.
Maybe, just maybe they would be all right.
***
Despite Stan’s prior warnings and Harry’s insistence that he did not want to be
a burden to Louis, Louis continued to spend time with the younger lad in
school. Of course, Louis still had classes with his friends in his year and
spent lunch with Eleanor, but he made sure to accompany Harry in the corridors
so that the younger lad was not lonely.
Harry put on a decent face for Louis that he was doing better, but he was far
from it. Having Louis back by his side meant nothing to Stan. In fact, it
infuriated the older lad to the point that he had begun getting physical with
Harry.
It started off with simple things. When Louis was not around and Stan happened
to be passing, he would “accidentally” stick out is leg to make Harry trip or
smack Harry’s books so that they scattered all over the floor. The type of
things that made Harry flush bright red and his ears ring from the laughter of
the students around him.
Harry never told Louis though because he saw no reason to do so. Louis was
still under the illusion that Stan was a stand-up chap, so why should Harry be
the one to shatter the illusion? He would just be a crybaby after all and he
did not want to seem weak to Louis. Louis had already seen him incapable of
dealing with his feelings.
But it was getting harder to hide from Louis.
Soon Stan began showing up during Harry’s gym period while he was changing in
the locker room. Harry, already being self-conscious as it was, would change in
the cubicles. The other lads in his year would poke fun at him for doing so,
but it was relatively harmless until Stan would appear with his mates during
their break period.
When the coast was clear, they would ambush Harry as he came out of the cubicle
and start beating him, yelling horrible insults at him that he never wished to
repeat.
-Flashback-
“Hey f**, I know you’re in here,” rang Stan’s sneering voice. “I’d tell you to
come out and face us, but I fear that the double-meaning would be lost on you.”
Harry closed his eyes, feeling the tears beginning to form.
“P-Please,” begged Harry, already beginning to shake. “J-Just leave me alone!”
“Did you hear that boys?” mocked one of Stan’s friends who he knew to be
Calvin. “He wants us to l-l-leave h-him alone!”
The other lads laughed, banging on the door to get him to come out of it.
“Get out of there Styles or it’ll only be worse on you.”
Bracing himself for the worst, Harry unlocked the door and stepped out.
Immediately, he felt himself being grabbed by his gym uniform and slammed up
against the wall. His back ached from the connection and his surroundings began
to spin.
“Why couldn't you just leave Tomlinson alone?” snarled Stan. “He’s better off
without you fucking up his life.”
KICK.
Harry doubled over from the pain in his gut. The pain hurt no more than the
words though.
“You’re useless,” Stan continued. “A worthless piece of garbage that should
have been disposed of years ago.”
PUNCH.
Harry could feel a black eye forming. He only let out a shout of pain though
when Stan put pressure on his recently healing scars.
“What’s the matter, f****t?” Stan lifted up his sleeves and his eyes widened
before he burst out laughing. “Look at this!”
The other lads chortled as Harry looked on in horror. They could not know… they
would tell everyone…
“Looks like f****t here hurts himself enough as it is!” snickered Stan. “Shall
I continue?”
His mates cheered him on so taking that as encouragement, Stan dug his nails
into Harry’s cuts.
Harry let out an earthshattering scream of agony. The pain was unbearable – why
was nobody coming?
Afraid that someone would hear the screams, Stan dropped Harry, allowing the
boy to slide to the ground, and ran out of there with his mates in a hurry.
Harry folded in on himself, sobbing harder than he had previously thought
imaginable.
***
Harry stayed in the locker room cubicle for the remainder of the day. He knew
that he could not show his face. For starters, his arms were soaked in blood
from the open cuts that Stan had caused and would soak his uniform. Secondly,
his secret was undoubtedly out. There was no way that Stan and his mates would
not have spread it around the school by now.
He continued to sniffle in the stall, paying no mind when he heard the door
open. It was probably one of the maintenance workers coming to clean for
tomorrow.
“Haz?”
Harry had an intake of breath.
No… Louis could not see him like this.
“Angel, I know that you’re in here. I know that you didn't go to any of your
afternoon classes today and this was the last place that I left you.”
Harry bit his chapped lip, praying that Louis would eventually give up. He
lifted his feet off of the ground so that Louis could not see him. He did not
account for; however, the fact that his door was the only locked one.
Despite his protests, Louis began to slide under the stall.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I could ask you –” Louis stopped short with a gasp when he saw Harry’s face
and then his arms. “Angel…”
“I know, I’m hideous. Don’t remind me.”
“You are no such thing. Who did this to you?” Louis asked, sharply.
“I fell.” Louis gave him a petulant look.
“And the arms?”
“Those too. I tried to break my fall and I scratched them.”
“Do you think I was born yesterday? I can see the fingerprints. Tell me the
truth, angel.”
Harry sighed. There was no way around it. He could continue to lie to Louis but
Louis could see through his lies and would continue to pester him about it.
Harry had never had the best poker face.
“It was Stan.” Louis’ eyes widened.
“Stan?” he said, shocked. Harry nodded timidly. “Why would he do this to you?”
“He gets mad sometimes…”
“Sometimes?” cried Louis, his eyes flashing. “You mean he’s done this before?”
Harry mentally slapped himself.
“Leave it alone, Lou.”
“No, I want you to tell me everything.”
“Fine,” Harry acquiesced. “But first, I want to clean up and I want to go
home.”
-End Flashback-
The pair was currently laying on Harry’s bed, staring at each other. Harry had
just explained to Louis what seemingly caused Stan to hurt him as he did,
including the name-calling. While it felt good on some level to confide in
someone and to get the pain off of his chest, he felt like a dirty snitch all
the same. He was ruining Louis’ relationship with not only Stan, but also
Calvin and Oli as well.
“Those bastards,” growled Louis. He looked at Harry. “Why didn't you tell me?”
“Y-You’re friends with them. I didn’t –” He was cut off by Louis slamming his
hand on his nightstand. He flinched.
“Dammit, Haz, I don’t care if I was friends with them! I’m not anymore and I
certainly wouldn’t have been if you had told me what they were doing to you!”
“I didn’t want to ruin your friendships,” said Harry, tears filling his eyes.
Louis sighed and wrapped his arms around the younger lad, pulling him into his
chest.
“I appreciate you caring so much about my feelings angel, but your safety is
more important than your ego or any friendship that I have with those
bastards.” Harry looked at him. “I know you’re feeling rotten about telling me
all of this like you’re complaining.”
“But –”
“No but’s,” Louis insisted. “You matter so much to me, Harry. I couldn't bear
if anything happened to you and I could have stopped it, but wasn't able to
because you didn't tell me.”
Harry was silent, sighing slightly as Louis ran his fingers through his hair.
“I never told you this, angel, but after you were born and I met you in the
hospital my mum had me promise that I’d always take care of you.”
“You were two-years-old!” Harry protested, and Louis chuckled.
“I know. I don't think I understood what it meant to protect someone then, but
I did know that I liked you then and those feelings hold true now. You're my
best mate and brother, Haz. You come before everything and I never want you to
sacrifice your happiness or safety to protect me when it’s my job to make sure
that you’re never hurt.”
“You can’t possibly live up to that promise, Lou. Life happens.”
“This isn’t life,” said Louis sternly. “Stan’s a bastard and a bully and its
inexcusable.”
“Can I ask you something, Lou?”
“Anything, angel.”
“Did… did he tell them all?” Harry subconsciously looked down at his arms that
were covered by his sleeves. Louis bit his lip.
“I’m sorry, angel. I heard people talking, but I didn't realize at the time
that it was about you.” Tears leaked out of Harry’s eyes. “Please don't cry,
angel.”
“I can’t help it Lou. I’m… I’m fucked up.”
“Don’t say that Harry, don’t you ever say that!”
“But I am,” sobbed Harry. “Just look!” He lifted his sleeves up, the sight
making Louis draw in a sharp breath.
Gingerly, Louis took Harry’s arms in both of his hands. He gently kissed each
of the scars, making Harry’s heart flip. Louis then looked the younger lad in
the eye.
“Your scars don’t define you,” whispered Louis. “I’m not going to glorify them
and say that they’re beautiful, because they’re not.” Harry lowered his head.
“But you are, Haz.” Harry’s head shot up, his cheeks flushed.
“Quit it, Lou.”
“I’m serious!” Harry just shook his head.
“Why are you so good to me, Lou?” Louis smiled.
“‘Cause you’re my angel.” He kissed the top of Harry’s head and after rolling
the latter’s sleeves back down, cuddled him again.
“Really? Indirectly quoting Forrest Gump?” Louis elbowed him.
“I promised that I’d watch over you, angel,” said Louis some time later,
thinking that Harry had fallen asleep. “And I don’t break promises to angels.”
But Harry heard him, a small smile dancing across his lips in response.
***
The fallout between Louis and his mates was colossal, but Louis did not seem to
regret it. By the end of the school day, everyone knew that Louis had told off
Stan and warned the three of them that if they ever said another foul thing to
Harry or harmed him again that they would have him to answer to.
Suddenly, Louis had become somewhat of a social pariah. He still had some of
his closer friends who had not known what Stan was doing and were horrified,
but many had taken Stan’s side out of fear. Louis did not seem to mind though.
He said that it taught him who his true friends were and who were simply social
climbers and cowards.
Much to Louis’ surprise, and Harry’s chagrin, Eleanor stayed by his side.
Although Louis admitted that he was expecting her to leave him after he
imploded their friend group, Harry saw it coming. She was a close friend with
Gemma and when the latter found out what Stan had been doing to Harry, she
threatened to cut off some essential anatomical bits if he ever touched Harry
again. Harry did not speak to her for days after that because all he heard was
how his sister and Louis had to fight his battles.
The only silver linings were that Stan was leaving him alone for the time being
and that he had Louis back in his life again. Since the revelation, Louis had
been trying to make things up to Harry and make up for their lost time even
though Harry insisted that he had forgiven Louis long before all of this came
to light.
“Haz, I’m home!” called Louis, walking into the younger lad’s room.
Harry did not bother looking up from his English homework, but rolled his eyes.
“This isn’t your home, Lou.”
“Well, it might as well be,” smirked Louis, planting himself on the bed next to
Harry. He took Harry’s book that he was reading and closed it. “Let’s go out!”
“I have a lot of work, Lou…”
“Come on, we never do anything just the two of us anymore!” Harry fixed him
with a look.
“You don't have to keep doing this, Louis. You’re allowed to have a life
outside of spending time with me. Eleanor must want to spend time with you…”
Harry inwardly cringed at the thought, but managed to compose himself. Louis
just shook his head.
“I see her all the time. Come on, Haz. I hardly see you during the day.”
“You walk me to all of my classes,” Harry pointed out.
“And that’s the highlight of my days.” Harry felt his heart flutter at the
comment. “I’m not taking no for an answer. I won’t let you be cooped up in here
and that’s final.”
Harry sighed and nodded, causing Louis to break out in a grin.
“You won’t regret this!” He grabbed Harry’s hand, making the younger boy’s
heart rate increase. He frowned at the realization, but pushed the thought
away. He was probably just excited for whatever Louis had planned for them.
“I’ll be back for dinner, mum,” Harry called into the kitchen.
“Be careful, dear. Have a good night, Louis.”
“You as well, Anne!”
Harry shut the door behind him as Louis continued to hold his hand, pulling him
down the street while jogging. He panted, trying to keep up with the older
boy’s strides.
“Slow down, Lou! What’s the hurry?”
“No hurry,” smiled Louis. “I just enjoy spending time with you, is all.”
Harry suddenly looked down at his hand and realized that Louis dropped it when
he had slowed down. He regretted telling him to do so, missing the warmth that
Louis’ hand provided.
What are you talking about? Thought Harry in horror.
“You all right, Haz?” asked Louis with a concerned expression. “You look
upset.”
“Huh? Oh, no. I’m fine,” said Harry, forcing a smile that Louis could tell was
not genuine. He swung his right arm over Harry’s shoulder and looked down at
the lad.
“You can talk to me about anything, you know that right?”
“I know,” Harry whispered.
Not about these weird thoughts though.
“And I’d never judge you, you know that, right?” Harry nodded, biting his lip.
“Do you not trust me, angel?”
Harry nearly melted at the use of the pet name. He had an awful time trying to
resist spilling his soul to Louis when he used it. The name was so cute and
charming.
“I trust you more than anyone else, Lou,” said Harry honestly. He looked up at
the boy’s bright, blue eyes and found himself captivated by them. He looked
away quickly. “Sometimes I just need to work things out for myself first
though, you know?”
Louis nodded, still slightly forlorn. Out of instinct, he grabbed Louis’ pinky
and squeezed it with his own. Louis’ lips turn up at the action. Suddenly, he
stopped walking.
“We’re here,” said Louis cheerfully. Harry looked around, recognizing his
surroundings.
“The playground?” Louis nodded.
“We used to always come here when we were younger,” Louis explained. “We
haven’t in a while and things have been difficult, so I figured that we could
use a bit of fun to remind ourselves where we came from.”
Harry smiled his first genuine smile in quite some time and he felt Louis’s
eyes staring at him with something akin to admiration in them. He would not
stop staring and without warning, Louis poked his dimple, causing Harry to look
at him in surprise.
Louis just shrugged, giving Harry a lopsided grin, but Harry swore that there
was something else in the boy’s eyes. Instead of trying to decipher any
meaning, he said:
“Race you to the slide!”
Louis snapped out of his daze and took off after him at a run. Louis was faster
than Harry by principle considering he was taller, but Harry managed to
outsmart him.
“Hey, look – it’s Eleanor!”
Louis turned in surprise and Harry took the opportunity to climb up the stairs
to the slide. Louis let out a cry of outrage as he saw Harry sliding down,
laughing loudly.
“You tricked me!” he said when Harry reached the bottom.
“Sorry Lou, you know what they say. I’m beauty and brains – the whole package.”
He was obviously saying this jokingly, so Louis shoved him and rolled his eyes.
“You’re a dope.”
“Ah, yes. But I’m your dope.” Louis smiled, Harry noticing that his eyes
crinkled by the sides as he did so.
“But of course, angel. Want to swing?”
Harry nodded eagerly, the two walking at a much slower pace to the swing set.
“Get on, angel. I’ll push you like old times.” Harry hesitated.
“I’m too heavy, Lou.” Louis fixed him with a stern look.
“Save it, Haz. You’re nowhere close to being heavy. You’re perfect.”
Harry flushed slightly and just shook his head as he sat down. Louis would say
the most ridiculous things to him sometimes that would make him feel the most
ridiculous emotions.
Harry kicked off the ground. He began pumping his legs, smiling when he felt
Louis’ hands make contact with his back. He laughed, his hair flying forward
and back.
“Faster, Lou!”
“As you wish,” laughed Louis. He continued to push Harry, paying mind to not
stand to close like he did when he was younger. They did not need a repeat of
events.
The entire time Louis was pushing Harry, he could not take his eyes off of the
flying boy. Although he was young at the time, he still remembered how Harry
looked all those years ago when he was pushing him. He still looked like a
flying angel to Louis and Louis never wanted him to have to touch the ground.
They stayed in the park until it got dark, which did not take long since it was
approaching the winter season. The temperature dropped and Harry wrapped his
arms around himself to stay warm. He had a long sleeve shirt on to cover his
scars, but the shirt was still rather thin for the cold winter nights.
Louis, sensing Harry’s coldness, began stripping down a layer despite Harry’s
protests. He forced his sweatshirt onto the younger boy.
“You’ll catch a cold!”
“I’ll be fine. Angels can’t be cold, Haz!” Harry flushed as Louis wrapped his
arms around him to keep both of them warm, which admittedly helped. “Come on,
our mums are probably wondering where we are by now.”
They hurried home, teasing each other’s red faces as they ran. Finally, they
reached Harry’s porch. They stood staring at each other with flushed faces and
wide smiles.
“You can stay if you’d like,” offered Harry.
“Thanks, but mum’s probably already prepared dinner and I can’t keep her
waiting. Maybe on the weekend though.” Harry nodded, slightly disappointed.
“Hey, don't frown, angel. I’ll see you tomorrow on the walk to the bus stop,
yeah?” Harry nodded again, this time with a brighter expression.
“Yeah, see you then.” He wrapped his arms around Louis’ torso and the taller
boy rested his chin on Harry’s forehead, wrapping his arms around Harry’s
shoulders. He loved moments like these between the two of them where everything
seemed easy.
Finally, he kissed the top of Harry’s head and the two boys pulled apart. They
both suddenly felt cold again, but they dismissed the feeling.
“Goodnight, Lou.”
“Night, angel.”
Harry went inside and it was only later that night after he took a shower that
he realized that he still had Louis’s sweatshirt. Harry loved how big it was on
him and how it smelled like Louis, but he texted Louis to let him know that he
would bring it with him to school tomorrow.
Just as Harry was getting into bed, he heard his phone buzz.
Keep it. It looks better on you, angel xx.
Harry smiled softly, falling into a deep and peaceful slumber.
***
The rest of the year flew by for Harry and Louis. Their friendship was stronger
than ever and Stan and his cronies did not dare coming anywhere near the two
boys.
Louis and Eleanor were still dating, which Harry accepted at point value. There
was not much that he could do about it anyways. Harry was more than happy when
the end of year six finally rolled around.
Harry was now fourteen-years-old and in year ten, whereas Louis was sixteen and
in his lower sixth form. Harry did not expect much to change that year, but was
surprised come mid-September.
He was in maths class when he heard over the PA system:
“Can Mister Harry Styles please come to the front office?”
His eyes widened and his face was burning, suddenly feeling all eyes on him. A
couple of snickers were heard throughout the room, despite the teacher’s
disapproval.
“Go on then, Mister Styles,” said his teacher. Even she wore a skeptical look.
Harry quickly grabbed shoved his books into his bag and hurried out of the room
to get away from the stares. Once he did, he leaned against the locker and took
a deep breath. He hated being the center of attention.
As soon as his heart rate decreased, he began making his way to the front
office. He had no idea what he could have done to warrant them calling him and
he went through every possible scenario.
Maybe they had found out about his history of cutting and did not want a freak
in the school anymore. Sure, he had not cut in a while, just the occasional
superficial one, but they were still plenty visible if someone happened to take
off his blazer and lift the sleeves of his dress shirt. He subconsciously held
the end of his sleeves to prevent anyone from doing so as he walked into the
office.
“Ah, Mr. Styles. The headmaster would like to see you,” said the receptionist
without glancing up.
He nodded, even though she could not see him, and knocked on the headmaster’s
door. He was told to enter so he reached out with a shaking hand and turned the
doorknob.
“Please have a seat, Mr. Styles,” said Headmaster Cowell with a slight smile.
Harry did as he was told and it was only when he sat down that he realized the
two of them were not alone. To his left sat a blond boy with bright blue eyes
and a crooked smile. He had never seen him before, but he smiled brightly at
Harry.
“Hi! I’m Niall!” spoke the boy, extending his hand and taking Harry’s own
without any warning. Harry tensed, his eyes wide with surprise as the boy named
Niall shook his hand vigorously. As soon as he spoke, Harry realized that this
boy must have transferred from Ireland.
“This is our new student from Ireland, Mister Niall Horan,” said Headmaster
Cowell unnecessarily. “He just settled today and is newly enrolled in Academy.”
Harry nodded for lack of anything better to do. His hand was finally released
from Niall’s enthusiastic grasp and was clenched tightly by his side.
“Your job, Mister Styles, is to show Mister Horan here around and help him grow
acclimated to the grounds. Will you do that for me?” Harry nodded again – it
was not like he had an option. “Excellent. Mister Horan was given the same
schedule as yourself so that he knows at least one person in his classes and
that way he will know where to go.”
Brilliant.
The bell suddenly rang, signaling the end of his maths class. Headmaster Cowell
nodded in approval.
“You had best be off then. I believe you both have music next and Mister Horan
should get there in time to be introduced to Mister Walsh.”
Harry nodded again and stood up. Niall eagerly did the same.
“Nice to meet you, Mister Horan. Have a nice day.”
“Thank you, sir. You as well,” smiled Niall, shaking the headmaster’s hand.
The two of them left the office and Niall’s eyes were wide as the students
hustled and bustled through the corridors. Harry watched him and noticed that
his eyes were blue, but not the same as Louis’. Louis’ were more of a rich,
ocean blue and Niall’s resembled the sky on a sunny day.
“My old school back home was nowhere near this crowded,” gaped Niall.
“Everything is different here. I like it though, but I miss home. My mum and
dad stayed in Ireland, so I’m living with my older brother Greg. It’s nice
though, I haven’t seen him in quite some time and I missed him. He’s graduating
uni this year, so he has his own flat, which is sick. You should come over some
time. We have this wicked stereo and a lot of tunes to play.” Niall suddenly
turned to Harry, realizing that he had not heard the boy speak one word. “You
don't seem to speak a lot, am I scaring you? I don’t think I even know your
name other than your last.”
Harry looked at the boy with wide eyes. He was used to Louis talking a lot, but
no one else ever spoke so much to him.
“N-No, it’s okay,” stammered Harry finally. “I’m Harry. H-Harry Styles.”
“Nice to meet you, Harry Styles,” said Niall with a huge grin.
Did this boy ever stop smiling?
“Off to music then?” Harry nodded. “I like you, Harry Styles.” Harry raised an
eyebrow. “Most people tell me to shove off when I start rambling, but you seem
like a good listener. I think we’re going to get on quite well.”
***
Music went well for the two boys. Niall was introduced to the class, but he
stayed by Harry’s side for the entirety of the lesson. He nearly talked Harry’s
ear off, but the green-eyed boy did not mind. He may not be used to someone
talking to him at school, but that did not mean that he did not enjoy having
someone by his side. He tried not to get attached though because he knew that
sooner or later Niall would make friends and leave him. It was not difficult to
tell that he would be able to make friends easily since he was outgoing and
everything that Harry was not.
Finally, lunch rolled around for the boys and they were leaving class when they
nearly ran head-on into Louis. The older boy frowned.
“Where’ve you been, Haz? I heard your name being called on the PA and looked
for you after maths, but I couldn't find you anywhere. Who’s this?” he asked,
finally realizing that they were in fact not alone.
“This is Niall Horan,” said Harry, indicating to the boy who had fallen silent
upon Louis’ arrival. “Niall, this is my best mate Louis Tomlinson. He’s two
years above us. Niall just moved here from Ireland.”
“Nice to meet you, lad,” said Louis, smiling from when Harry referred to him as
his best mate. He shook Niall’s hand and the blond boy smiled.
“Nice to meet ya, Louis.” He turned to Harry. “You ready for lunch, mate? I’m
starved.” Harry snorted.
“See you after classes, Lou?”
Louis nodded and frowned as he watched the two boys make their way to the
dining area. He always walked with Harry to his classes, but now it looked like
this Niall fellow had taken his place.
***
The end of the day rolled around without a hitch. For some reason, less people
bothered Harry now that he had someone by his side, which he was grateful for.
He only hoped that Niall would stick around longer so that he could reap the
benefits. Also, he was coming to enjoy Niall’s company. The lad was always
smiling and laughing in a way that was contagious and Harry could always use a
good laugh.
They were walking to their lockers when it happened. Out of nowhere, someone
stuck out a leg and Harry, being the unobservant klutz that he could be, did
not see it and went crashing to the ground.
“Better watch where you’re going, f**,” smirked an older girl. “You wouldn't do
well falling for an upperclassman.”
Harry’s face flushed and his eyes burned with tears. He thought that they had
dropped those stupid rumours about him and Louis, but clearly people still had
to throw their digs in for fun. He could hear the laughter ringing in his ears
as people took photos of him on the floor.
“Get the fuck out of here,” Harry heard a cold voice say and suddenly a bunch
of feet scattered. “I said go!”
Harry went to reach for his books when someone else beat him to it. He looked
up and saw Niall looking at him with an angered look. He then realized that it
must have been Niall that he heard before and he averted his gaze, embarrassed
about what had happened. Now Niall would definitely leave him and find someone
cooler with whom he could spend time.
“Come on, mate. Let’s get out of here,” was all Niall said. He handed Harry his
books, which the other lad took before moving briskly to grab his jacket and
leave.
“Harry, slow down!” panted Niall, running after him. “Where are you going?”
Harry spun around, glaring at Niall. The other boy stopped in surprise.
“Why do you even want to be seen with me? You saw what they did back there –
they all hate me.”
“They’re all dicks,” said Niall bluntly. “They may act all posh and shit, but
they’re not worth two flying fucks.”
Harry grimaced. He was not used to someone cursing and Niall seemed to notice.
“Sorry,” he apologized, sheepishly. “Irish, you know?” Harry’s lip turned up
slightly and Niall grinned triumphantly before turning serious again.
“Listen mate,” he said, placing a hand on Harry’s right shoulder. “I’m new here
and haven’t met many nice people, except for you. I understand if you prefer
being on your own, but if you’re trying to push me away because you don't think
that you deserve friends, then tough. Everyone deserves friends and no one
deserves to live with that crap.”
Harry stared at Niall in shock. He had not met someone like him beyond Louis
and it was refreshing. He could not believe that Niall really wanted to be his
mate.
He swallowed.
“Is that invite still open to listen to the speakers in your brother’s flat?”
asked Harry timidly. Niall grinned from ear-to-ear and swung an arm over
Harry’s shoulders.
“Let’s go!”
***
Louis saw red after seeing the photos of Harry posted all over his Facebook and
Twitter. Why could people not leave his poor angel alone? How had it taken him
so long to see how badly people treated him?
He spent twenty minutes looking for the boy, expecting to find him in one of
the lavatories, but with no success. Finally, he gave up and texted him saying
that he would meet him at home. He got a text ten minutes later.
Sorry, I’m spending the night at Niall’s. See you tomorrow. H xx.
Louis frowned. He and Harry always spent the afternoon together at one of their
houses. All of a sudden this Niall came out of nowhere and took that away from
him? Louis shook his head.
He was going to have a talk with the Irish boy tomorrow.
***
Not wanting to be alone that night, Louis texted Eleanor and spent time at her
place. She had been more than thrilled by his sudden interest and they spent
most of their time making out in her room since her parents were not home. To
say that he did not enjoy himself would have been a lie, but he certainly
missed Harry’s company and had a hard time not thinking about how he may very
well be losing his best mate all over again.
The next day came faster than Louis would have liked. It was hard to get Niall
on his own since he was glued to Harry most of the time, much like Eleanor was
glued to him. Finally, he cut her loose saying that he had to use the restroom
and went searching for the lad.
Much to Louis’ surprise, he found Niall coming out of the first floor lavatory.
He caught his eye.
“Louis, how –?” Louis did not let him finish and grabbed him by the arm,
pulling him back into the restroom. “What are you –?”
“Let me talk,” said Louis coldly. Niall nodded, his eyes wide. “What’s your
angle, Horan?”
“My angle?”
“Don't play dumb. You may be new here, but you can’t have missed the way that
people treat ang – Harry.” He caught himself before using Harry’s pet name and
though Niall gave him a strange look, realization also dawned on his face.
“I’m not like the others, Louis. Harry seems like a nice lad, we’re mates.”
“Mates?”
“Yes, mates. I’m sure that you’re familiar with the concept.” Louis gave him a
dirty look. “Easy lad, it’s a joke. I saw what they did yesterday, I was the
one who helped him and told him that I wouldn’t leave him.”
Louis was stunned, speechless even. He was hardly ever speechless.
“Look,” sighed Niall when Louis gave no indication that he would speak up. “I
have no intention of hurting Harry. I get that you guys are best mates; I’m not
trying to threaten or replace you. He could use someone to hang out with who’s
his own age though, don't you agree?”
“Y-Yeah, I suppose so,” said Louis, cursing himself when his voice cracked. He
cleared his throat. “I guess that I’m just not used to anyone treating him
right. I’ve looked out for him his entire life, you know?”
Niall nodded, a slight smile playing on his face.
“The three of us should hang out some time, how about it?”
“Yeah… yeah, that sounds all right.”
“Great. Well, I’ve got to get back to biology. Later, Louis.”
Louis watched as Niall left and he turned to stare at himself in the mirror.
Niall promised that he was not trying to take Harry away from him.
So why did he still feel so awful?
***
“He ambushed you?” cried Harry. He was sitting on his bed with Niall across
from him after school. Niall had just told Harry about the conversation that he
and Louis had earlier.
“He didn't ambush me, H,” replied Niall, ignoring Harry’s skeptical look
regarding the nickname. He must have used it in a text to Niall. “He just
wanted to talk.”
“It sounds like he ambushed you,” muttered Harry, glaring at his music
spreadsheet. Niall rolled his eyes.
“He just worries about you.”
“Yeah, well he shouldn’t. He should worry about his own life a bit more.”
Niall raised an eyebrow.
“A bit hostile, don't you think? What’s wrong with him worrying so much?” Harry
bit his lip. “You can tell me anything, you know?”
Despite having just met, Harry trusted Niall. The boy had given him no reason
not to and they got on well from the get-go. Harry sighed and acquiesced.
“People get the wrong idea from it.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning they think that I fancy him.” Harry flushed, crossing his arms
defensively. Niall did not seem fazed though.
“Well?”
“Well what?” asked Harry.
“Do you?” Niall pressed, and Harry nearly choked on his own saliva. He glared
at Niall, who put his hands up in defense. “It’s a legitimate question!”
“What do you take me for?”
“Someone who doesn’t particularly care about what’s on the outside,” said Niall
honestly, “but what someone is like on the inside.”
Harry stared at him skeptically, so Niall continued.
“Look, I’m not here to judge you on who you do or don't like. Louis seems like
a nice lad. A bit defensive, but it’s only because he cares about you. Probably
more than he’s willing to let on to others and even to himself.”
Harry was silent, pulling at the thread on his bed.
“He used to have this friend, Stan,” Harry whispered, and Niall paid close
attention. “He’s an awful bloke. He and his friends used me as a punching bag
and said all these awful things… They… they used to call me a f** constantly
and after a while…”
“Yeah?” Niall encouraged him. Harry swallowed, trying to keep his tears at bay.
“I don’t know, I guess after a while I started to think that maybe they were
right.” Harry pushed up his sleeves and Niall’s eyes widened. “They found out
and told most of the school. You might as well know so that you can decide if
I’m really worth all of this trouble.” Niall fixed him with a stern look.
“Haven’t I already told you that I’m here to stay?”
Harry smiled shyly and both boys jumped as the door opened.
“Harry, it’s time for dinner. You’re welcome to stay Niall, if –” Gemma froze,
her eyes immediately darting down to Harry’s still exposed arms.
Harry looked down in confusion, and then quickly pushed down his sleeves as if
that would help now. He was screwed.
“I’ll erm… wash up?” Niall bolted, leaving the two siblings alone.
“You should’ve knocked,” muttered Harry. Gemma’s eyes filled with tears and she
closed the door behind her, making her way over to her bed.
“How long?” was all she asked.
“Four years…” Gemma gasped. “I haven’t cut for two years though.”
“Harry, you have to tell mum.” Harry shook his head frantically. “We can help
you!”
“I don't need help,” he said, coolly. “Louis helped me –”
“Louis knew and didn’t tell us?”
“Don’t get mad at him, I made him promise. He only found out by accident
anyways, no one was supposed to know.”
“So that’s what Stan was going on about all those years ago? I thought he was
just talking his usual shit. That bastard…”
“Leave it, Gems. He hasn’t bothered me in years.”
“Like hell. He caused this, didn’t he?”
“It was a group effort. Besides, I didn't need to do it. I’m the freak who
couldn’t deal with his own feelings.”
“Don't you dare call yourself that, Harry. Don't you ever dare. You’re not a
freak, you’re my baby brother and I love you.” She pulled him into a bone-
crushing hug. He gasped for air.
“C-Can’t breathe!” She loosened her grip, pulling back.
“You can always talk to me, Haz. You know that, right?” Harry shrugged.
“Promise me that you’ll talk to me the next time you feel that way. Please.”
“I promise,” said Harry quietly. “And you won’t tell mum? Or dad?”
Gemma nodded, biting her lip.
“But if you harm yourself again, I’m not making any promises. You’re my kid
brother, I won’t let anything happen to you. If I did, I’d never forgive
myself.” She stood up. “Come on, mum is probably wondering where we are.”
“And Niall’s probably eaten all the food,” snorted Harry, getting up from his
bed as well. Gemma laughed, throwing an arm over Harry’s shoulder and guiding
him out of the room and down the stairs.
***
“Hey mate!” greeted Niall. Harry looked up from his sandwich. He had been
sitting by himself in the dining room, waiting for Niall to get off of the
queue. To his surprise, Niall was not alone. He raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“Oh, right. H, this is Ed and Josh. They’re in our music class – Ed plays the
guitar and Josh plays drums. Lads, this is Harry.”
Ed and Josh smiled in recognition and nodded. Harry did the same in return,
suddenly feeling uncomfortable by the new addition to their usually small
lunch.
“I thought that they could join us? The other tables are full and we have
room.”
“Sure,” said Harry, relieved that his voice did not betray how nervous he
really felt. He was never good at meeting new people. He moved over so that Ed
could sit next to him on his right. Niall sat directly across from him, with
Josh on his left and across from Ed.
“I haven’t seen you around much, Harry,” said Josh, picking at his vegetables.
“I tend to keep myself to myself,” said Harry slowly. He did not say it in an
unfriendly way and the other two thankfully did not take it as that because
they both nodded in understanding.
“I’m the same,” grinned Ed, his accent extremely thick. “As long as I’ve got my
guitar then I’m all good. You play, right Niall?” Harry looked at Niall in
surprise when the boy nodded.
“Since I was about eleven. Picked out me first guitar with me dad.” Niall had a
soft smile on his face. He was always fond when recalling memories with his
family.
“How about you, Harry? Do you play anything?” Harry froze.
“Erm, no, but I like to sing sometimes.” The three boys looked on in interest.
“Yeah? We should all get together some time and play. You can sing and we can
provide the background vocals and instrumentals.”
The three began chatting excitedly about where they could go to practice and
Harry watched on in amazement. In less than a month he had managed to go from
being friendless, with the exception of Louis, to seemingly having three new
friends.
He caught Niall’s eye during the chatter and smiled genuinely at him, mouthing,
“Thank you.”
Niall winked and returned to the conversation, but not before Harry felt a
flutter in his stomach.
Things were changing for him.
***
“You sure that you can’t come over today, H?”
“Positive Ni, I haven’t seen Louis in ages and I don't want him to think that
I’m forgetting about him.”
“Yeah, okay. Well, see you tomorrow then?” Harry nodded with a smile and waved
as he got off at his bus stop. He began walking home.
After stopping in his house and dropping his bag off in his room, he decided
that he would go over to Louis’. He had not been to the lad’s in a while and
thought it would be a nice surprise.
Smiling, he began walking over. He entered the house and was surprised to not
see anyone around. The door was unlocked so clearly someone was home, but he
was not sure where.
“Hello?” he called out. “Anyone there?”
He began walking up the stairs and paused when he heard some squeaking. He
hesitated before continuing at a less certain pace. He reached out and grabbed
Louis’ door to open it, only to wish that he had the foresight to knock before
doing so.
On Louis’ bed were clearly Louis and Eleanor doing… that. He could see Louis’
behind and flushed bright red. He had seen the lad stark before, but obviously
never in this way. Harry’s eyes widened in shock, before slamming the door shut
and booking it.
As he reached the front door, he heard voices upstairs and quickened his
running. He only stopped to breathe once he reached his own bedroom again and
locked the door and window and closed the shades as well. He slid down to the
ground, his heart pounding, but also something else had stirred inside of him.
Jealousy?
No, that was insane. What could he be jealous of?
Louis and Eleanor?
No. Maybe of the fact that he was still single and Louis was in a committed
relationship that clearly had been taken to the next level, but not anything
else. One other thing bothered him as well though.
Was this the first time? If it was not, then Louis had been kept something
massive from him. Harry thought that they told each other everything,
regardless of how personal. Granted, he had kept a lot from Louis, but Louis
always kept him clued into his life.
Why was he all of a sudden unsure about whether that was true or not.
He suddenly realized that his eyes were wet. Why was he like this? He used to
never be so emotional, but suddenly everything became impossible for him to
deal with? For the first time in a while, he had the urge to harm himself.
Promise me that you’ll talk to me the next time you feel that way. Please.
His sister’s words rang through his memory. The situation was beyond awkward
though and he would have to explain to her what had led him to feeling this way
and that was simply impossible.
Harry gnawed at his lower lip in contemplation. How would he ever face Louis
again after what had happened? Louis would be furious at him for interrupting
them, especially if it was his and Eleanor’s first time. How could he have been
so dense? Louis would have wanted it to be special and now he had gone and
ruined it for him.
He pulled at his hair, burying his face in his knees and letting out a silent
scream. All of a sudden, he heard his phone buzzing repeatedly. Something told
him that he knew exactly who was trying to reach him, but he did not want to
face what was to come.
***
~Louis’ POV~
SLAM!
Louis and Eleanor pulled away from each other in a panic. They looked toward
the door, but whoever had entered had left quickly. There was only one person
who it could have been. If it had been his mother, surely all hell would have
broken loose.
“Shit,” Louis whispered, quickly getting out of bed and finding both of their
clothes. He began tossing them to Eleanor and throwing them on himself.
This was not the first time that they had done this. It started a couple of
weeks ago. Things escalated and they were both ready for it, so they went for
it. It was comfortable and they had been keeping up at it whenever Louis’ mom
worked late. Which was often.
“Who was it?” asked Eleanor panicked. “Not your mum?” Louis shook his head.
“You’d better believe that we would’ve known if it was her,” he muttered. “I’m
sorry, I’ll take care of it. See you tomorrow?”
She nodded and he kissed her on the cheek before grabbing his phone and leaving
the room. She would see herself out when she was ready.
He closed the front door behind him and texted Harry as he leaned against the
house.
We need to talk.
After sending that he realized the text sounded too nasty and sent a follow-up.
Please xx.
He waited for a response and when he did not get one, he began making his way
next door. He climbed up Harry’s fire escape and knocked on the window.
No response.
He knocked a bit harder and finally, the curtain was withdrawn and he saw a
red-eyed Harry. His hair was all over the place and his lip was bleeding,
likely from him biting it like he does when he is upset. Louis’ heart hurt upon
seeing his angel like this and knowing that he caused him pain.
That seemed to be all he did.
He was not mad at Harry, not by a long shot. He was embarrassed by the position
he was in when Harry clearly walked in. He had made such a show about how he
and Harry had to tell each other everything and here he was omitting a huge
part of his life.
“Can I come in?” called Louis through the window.
Harry nodded and unlocked the window, lifting it up and stepping back so that
Louis could climb in. Once he was steady on his feet, Harry began talking.
“I’m so sorry, Lou. I didn’t mean to walk in! I just figured that you were
alone and that I would surprise you, but I should have knocked or rang you
first. I’m so sorry, I probably ruined your time with Eleanor and it’s all my
fault and I’m so –”
Louis cut him off by pulling him flush against his own body for a hug. Louis
did not want to hear an apology from Harry. Maybe he should have knocked, but
Louis should have locked his door and not have lied by omission.
He could feel Harry’s tears soaking his shirt and began stroking the younger
lad’s hair and trying to soothe him.
“Why are you crying, angel?” whispered Louis, and Harry choked.
“I’m s-such a fuck up,” whimpered Harry. “I r-ruin everything.”
Louis pulled him away and looked him in the eye.
“You’re no such thing. I’m sorry, Haz, I should have locked my door and more
so, I should have told you about Eleanor and myself. This – this wasn't the
first time and I should’ve given you a heads up that we had gotten to this
point, but I didn’t want things to be weird between us. We’re best mates, but
you’re still like a younger brother to me.”
Harry averted his eyes and Louis put his thumb and finger on either side of his
chin to get Harry to look at him. Eventually, it worked.
“Why the sudden desire to come over?”
Harry flushed with humiliation.
“I – I felt like I had pushed you aside. I’ve been spending so much time with
Niall and now Ed and Josh that I haven’t –”
“Ed and Josh?” Harry nodded.
“Yeah, they’re in my music class. Niall introduced us one day at lunch and
we’ve been hanging out more and more. They’re nice, they’re not like all of the
others at school.”
Louis smiled at him, but based on the look of confusion Harry gave him, he
could tell that it was not a convincing smile.
“What’s wrong Lou?”
“N-Nothing.” Harry gave him a look and he sighed. “I’m thrilled that you’re
making friends, really I am. I just – I guess I’m not used to…”
“No longer being the only person in my life?”
“That sounds horrible when you put it that way,” said Louis guilty, and Harry
shrugged. “I suppose so. I know that I have to share you and I can’t expect to
be the only one with whom you spend time. I guess I’ve missed you more than I
realized.”
Harry smiled up at him.
“I’ve missed you too, Lou.”
Louis kissed Harry’s forehead, not noticing that the latter closed his eyes
when he did so. They stayed there for several moments just enjoying each
other’s presence.
“I told them that I sing,” said Harry after they finally pulled apart. They
walked over to Harry’s bed and sat down. Louis looked surprised.
“Yeah? I thought you hated telling people that.”
“They didn’t make fun of me for it,” he shrugged. “We’ve been talking about all
getting together to practice. Niall and Ed both play the guitar and sing as
well and Josh is a beast on the drums. You should join us and sing as well.”
Louis looked at his hands. Harry and his mum were the only ones who knew of his
love for singing. He did not like his voice though. It felt too high and he
knew that everyone would make fun of him for it sounding too feminine.
“Please Lou?” begged Harry. “I know you’re self-conscious about singing, but so
am I. Maybe we can help each other?”
Louis looked at Harry and his wide, hopeful eyes were enough to convince him.
He could never deny Harry anything even if he wanted to. He loved the boy too
much.
“Yeah, I guess we can give it a go.”
Harry grinned eagerly.
“Great! How does this Saturday sound?”
“T-This Saturday?”
“Yeah, Ni’s brother Greg is going out of town, so we’ll have the flat at our
disposal. It’ll be better that way without worrying about any interruptions.”
Louis listened as Harry continued to talk about how great the weekend would be.
Louis found himself relaxing at the thought. Harry was starting to find his
place and he was so happy for that. He wanted what was the best for Harry and
if stepping out of his comfort zone was what it took for Harry to do the same
then he would try and compartmentalize his fear for one evening.
Who knows? Maybe he would have fun.
***
Saturday arrived quickly and Louis was a nervous wreck. He had no idea why – he
was only going to be singing in front of four fourteen-year-olds, including
Harry.
When he and Harry arrived at Niall’s flat, Harry practically dragged him to the
door. Before he knocked though, Harry turned to look at him.
“You’re pale as a ghost, Lou.”
“Am I?” said Louis faintly.
“It’s going to be fine, Lou, I promise. I’ll be right there next to you,
remember?”
Louis smiled weakly and nodded. Harry then extended his arm and knocked on the
door, but not before squeezing Louis’ pinky with his own to show his support.
It helped the older boy tremendously.
“H! Louis!” cried Niall, swinging the door open. “Come in, Ed and Josh are
already in the studio. Louis, mate, are you alright? You look –”
Harry stepped on Niall’s foot and gave him a disapproving look. Niall let out a
grunt of pain and limped back to where the others were without another word.
Harry huffed out in annoyance before turning to face Louis.
“Sorry. Ni tends to say the first thing that comes to his mind if you didn’t
already notice.”
“Do I really look that bad?” said Louis, running a hand through his hair. Harry
grabbed his wrist and put it back down by its side while shaking his head.
“You look perfect, Lou. Come on.”
Louis tried to hide the flush that threatened to appear on his face.
Thankfully, Harry had already turned around. He followed him to wherever Niall
had gone. When they walked in, they were greeted by a lot of noise and three
different voices trying to talk over each other.
“Ed, Josh – this is Louis. Louis – Ed and Josh,” said Harry with a smile.
“Nice to meet you,” said Josh, putting his drumsticks in one hand and shaking
Louis’ outstretched one with the other. Ed simply nodded in acknowledgement.
“We ready to start?” asked Harry, and they all nodded. “What are we singing?”
“I Want To Hold Your Hand by The Beatles,” Ed replied, strumming a few chords.
Harry nodded in approval and turned to Louis, handing him one of the mics.
“You’ll be fine, Lou,” he whispered confidently. “I’ll be beside you the entire
time, yeah?”
Louis nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment. He took the mic and began
playing with it in his hands. Eventually, he stopped because he did not want to
drop it.
“We ready to go?” Ed asked, and they all nodded. They began playing and Louis
looked to Harry, who had begun singing.
Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
I'll let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Harry gave Louis a warm smile as he sang the last part, nodding in approval and
Louis took that as his cue.
And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Harry gave him a thumbs up, which Louis returned, exhaling as he did so. That
was not as bad as he thought it would be. He watched in admiration as Harry
continued.
And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Harry and Louis joined to finish the chorus, smiling at each other all the
while.
Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll feel that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
They finished the song and Louis stood there stunned. He only broke out of his
daze when Harry ran up to him and hugged him tightly. He chuckled, wrapping his
arms around the younger boy.
“You were brilliant, Lou! You had no reason to be nervous!”
“Thanks, angel. You were great, yourself.”
“We should record some stuff together,” Josh suggested from the back of the
room. He was still sitting by the drum set, but he had a large grin plastered
on his face.
The others all nodded eagerly and Louis felt his phone buzz. He checked it to
see that it was his mum and that she wanted him to come home for the night
before the storm. He swallowed tightly. He hated storms and she knew that, so
really she was saving him from being embarrassed in front of the others.
“Sorry lads, mum wants me home before the storm. I’ll see you during the week?”
The three nodded, except for Harry who frowned in concern and followed Louis
out to the front of the flat. He knew well of Louis’ fear of storms, comforting
him on several occasions. He also knew that Louis was embarrassed by his
phobia.
“You want me to come with you and keep you company?” Harry asked softly. Louis
shook his head.
“Stay with your mates,” Louis insisted.
“They’re your mates as well, they really took a shine to you. They wouldn’t
judge you for being afraid.” Louis just shook his head again.
“One fear at a time, angel. Tonight was brilliant, thank you for convincing
me.”
“It wouldn’t have been as perfect without you, Lou.”
“Right you are, angel,” teased Louis, receiving a smack on the arm from Harry.
“I’m wounded, angel!”
“Boo hoo,” Harry laughed. He then reached and hugged Louis again. “Text me if
you need a distraction, yeah?” Louis smiled slightly and nodded against Harry’s
head.
The two of them separated as they heard Jay honk the horn. After waving goodbye
to Harry, Louis ran down the steps and got in the car before he could get too
wet from the drizzle.
He smiled as he got in the car.
Tonight had been wonderful.
***
~Harry’s POV~
“There you are, H,” said Niall as Harry re-entered the flat. “You staying the
night?”
“Yeah, I already spoke with mum about it.”
“What’s up with Louis ditching early? He all right?”
“Yeah, his mum just didn’t want to not be able to contact him if all the lines
went down,” Harry lied easily. He was sure that Louis wanted his secret to
remain just that.
“Fair enough. At any rate, Ed and Josh are staying the night as well.”
“Brilliant.”
***
Well, brilliant was not entirely the word Harry would use to describe the rest
of the evening. Sure, he had fun with the lads, but he quickly realized despite
their many similarities, they also had glaring differences. For one, they were
all obsessed with watching porn and talking about the girls in their class.
Unfortunately for Harry, he was subjected to both during the evening.
It was not like he never found girls pretty, but he could not say that he found
any to be particularly attractive. Sure, there were many girls in their class
with decent looks, but he would never do the things that the other three made
clear they wanted to do with them. As the night wore on, he found himself
growing more and more upset and agitated with why he did not want to do the
things that evidently, every other lad his age enjoyed.
He hid his discomfort though because he did not want to seem like a spoilsport.
After all, he had made friends with the lads easily and knew that if he pushed
them away that he would lose them just as quickly. He never wanted to go back
to being alone again.
He checked his phone. It was now 3:30am and the three other lads were finally
asleep. He was relieved because he could not have kept the act going for much
longer.
The storm was raging and he doubted that Louis was asleep, so he decided to
text him.
Hey, are you awake. H xx? He sent the text and waited for a response. Less than
a minute later, he got one.
Am I ever not during a storm? You all right, angel? Why are you still up?
Harry hesitated. He and Louis kept saying that they have to tell each other
everything, but lately it just seems to be getting harder to keep that promise.
I couldn't sleep. A lot on my mind. That was not entirely a lie.
Anything you want to get off of it? I’m always here to listen and I could use a
distraction, if I’m honest.
Harry bit his lip and dimmed the light on his phone so that he would not wake
up any of the others. They were all fast asleep, especially Niall, given his
snores.
I sometimes feel like I don’t belong, you know? Cryptic much?
Louis’ response was immediate.
What do you mean? Are you okay, angel?
Harry inwardly cursed. He probably freaked Louis out by saying something like
that at nearly 4 o’clock in the morning. If Louis was not panicked enough by
the storm, Harry was sure that he would be now.
I’m fine, I promise. Harry sent the text first so that Louis would not spend
time worrying and then worked on composing his next one. It’s just… well, it
was weird earlier. Not long after you left, the lads started talking about the
girls in our class and were watching porn.
Harry saw Louis’ upcoming speech bubble and waited with baited breath.
It’s normal to feel weird, especially if you haven’t watched it before Haz.
It’s even weirder doing it for the first time, but you just need to make sure
that you’re ready and comfortable, you know? It shouldn’t be forced.
Harry felt like an absolute child. Here Louis was giving him “the talk” at four
in the morning because he could not cope with “being a man.” He then realized
that he had yet to respond to Louis.
How did you know that you were ready?
Eleanor and I had spoken about it and I suppose that the moment was just right.
We had been dating for four years. To be honest, if we weren’t ready then, we
probably never would have been. There needs to be trust and we both trusted
each other.
Harry wondered if he would ever find that person with whom he trusted to the
extent that he could go that far. He doubted it, but the thought only upset him
more.
All of a sudden, he saw another text come in from Louis.
You’ll know when you’re ready, angel. You’ll meet the right person and at a
certain point, you’ll just know.
Harry certainly hoped so. He was beginning to worry though that he might be
looking for the right person in all of the wrong places.
***
~Louis’ POV~
The first snowfall of the season was exciting for everyone, but especially
Louis because it meant that his birthday was just around the corner. His
birthday was always a magical time because it meant that Christmas was also
coming and everything was festive. He loved his birthday and the holidays.
He and his mother always spent the holidays with the Styles’ and this year was
no different. Since neither family had close immediate relatives, they would
always spend Louis’ birthday on Christmas Eve and all of Christmas morning and
evening together.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” screamed Harry, jumping on Louis’ bed.
Louis groaned, trying to shove the boy off, but with little success. Harry may
look small, but he can latch onto someone tightly like a koala bear. Most of
the time Louis found it adorable, but not so much at seven in the morning.
“Come on, Lou. It’s time to celebrate, not to sleep!”
“Celebrating is for when the sun has risen, Harold. Go back to bed and wake up
when that’s happened.”
Harry snickered. Louis only called him Harold when he was sassing him out or
too grumpy to call him angel. This happened every year, but Harry was not
fazed.
“I was afraid you’d say that.”
Louis suddenly felt the dip on his bed disappear and smirked, thinking that he
had won. First mistake.
SPLASH!
Louis jumped out of bed in shock. He was dripping wet and only wearing his
boxer briefs. He looked around wildly and when his gaze settled on Harry, he
glared.
“You’ll pay for this one, Styles.”
Before Harry could respond, Louis threw him over his shoulder fireman style and
marched to the bathroom. He ignored Harry’s screams of protest and stepped into
the shower and turned on the stream of water. He held Harry in place, laughing
at Harry’s yelling and cursing for him to let go. Harry should have never
underestimated him.
Finally, he put Harry down and stared at the boy. He took him in.
His white shirt was clinging to him tightly, completely see-through at that
point. He hair was plastered to his face and his pants that were once baggy
were now skintight and three shades darker. He smirked when he saw that Harry
was checking him out also.
“Why don’t you take a picture, it’d last longer?” Harry just grinned. “What?”
“Oh, nothing…” said Harry innocently. “I guess I didn’t realize how you keep
your cell phone on you while you’re sleeping.”
“What are you talking about? I’m only wearing –” Louis froze in horror when he
realized what Harry was referring to and then felt the same thing. He turned a
deep red.
“You’re just happy to see me then?” said Harry, cheekily. “Gosh, Lou, I didn’t
realize that I had such an effect on you.”
Louis stared at Harry in horror as the younger lad stepped out of the shower
and grabbed himself a towel. Harry could not have possibly aroused him.
“I’ll see you in half an hour, Lou. Make sure to take care of your little
problem before then or people might get the wrong idea.” He then left the house
to change again.
It was safe to say that Louis spent some extra time in the shower doing just
what Harry had instructed.
***
Louis was still embarrassed when he got out of the shower. He could not believe
that he had let Harry see his… morning wood. That had to be what it was of
course, he just must not have noticed it when he woke up because Harry
distracted him. It meant nothing else, of that he was positive.
He quickly brushed away the thought though so that nothing would happen again.
He went downstairs and was greeted by his mother and the Styles’.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUIS!” they all cheered, smiling widely at him.
He grinned at all of them, turning pink at the knowing smirk on Harry’s lips.
“Have a good morning, Lou?” he asked innocently. “Did you ever make that call?”
The others looked at them in confusion, but Harry simply smiled as Louis gave
him a dirty look. He refused to dignify that with a response.
Oh, whom was he kidding?
“I did,” Louis breathed into Harry’s ear when the others went back into the
kitchen to finish preparing breakfast. “It was for you.”
He smirked, enjoying the stunned look on Harry’s face as he walked out of the
room. Harry joined them a minute later, more composed than when Louis had left
him.
After they all ate Louis’ favorite, traditional English breakfast, Louis turned
to his mum.
“What’s going on for today?” he asked, eagerly. Jay smiled.
“Harry actually planned a day out for the two of you,” she replied, and Louis
looked at the younger boy in surprise. “The two of you are set to be back here
by seven for dinner with the rest of us.”
“Sounds brilliant,” said Louis excitedly. “When do we go?”
“Now, if you’re ready.”
He immediately jumped up, taking Harry with him and dragged him out of the
kitchen, both of them yelling their goodbyes as they went.
“Bundle up, Lou, it’s bloody freezing out there. I’m going to go back and get
another layer.”
“No time – just wear something of mine!”
“All of your clothes are huge on me, Lou.”
“So what? You look cute in my oversized sweaters.” He grinned at the blush on
Harry’s face. “Please, angel? For me? It’s my birthday.” Harry rolled his eyes.
“Fine, fine.” Louis cheered and handed him one of his sweatshirts that was even
slightly big on him, along with a parka and a hat and gloves.
He watched as Harry put them on and when he was finished came to one
conclusion. Harry looked utterly adorable.
“You look like a marshmallow!”
Harry groaned, his cheeks turning bright red underneath all of the clothes. He
moved to take it off, but Louis stopped him.
“Don’t, you look great, angel,” he promised. “Let’s go!”
***
First they went into town and went to the arcade where Louis loved spending his
free time, and most of his allowance. Harry knew how little time Louis had to
go there during the school week, so he decided now would be the perfect
opportunity to go and he made sure that they would be open especially for
Louis’ birthday.
Louis had protested when he found out that Harry had already paid so that they
had “free” access to the machines, but Harry just shrugged and told him that it
was part of his present. Louis simply hugged him and then the two ran off,
competing on every machine that they possibly could.
After the arcade, they went for lunch. Harry took Louis to his favorite
restaurant where again, he beat Louis in picking up the tab. They spent three
hours in there talking with each other about everything and nothing. They just
enjoyed each other’s company.
Finally, they walked side-by-side as the sun began to set. It was setting
earlier and earlier now that they were in the dead of winter, but it was still
a beautiful sight. They had one last stop to go; however, to fully appreciate
the view.
“Where are we going Haz?” asked Louis. Harry had blindfolded him so that their
location would not be given away.
“It’s a surprise, Lou,” teased Harry, and Louis pouted. He had never liked
surprises, the anticipation for what was to come was always too much for him to
handle.
“We’re here.” Harry dropped the blindfold and Louis smiled fondly at the sight.
They were back at the playground where they somehow always found their way back
to. Harry and Louis had made a lot of fond memories at the playground and they
were all rushing back to him at that moment.
“I – I thought that we could finish watching the sunset on the swings,” Harry
faltered, and Louis could tell that Harry was nervous of whether he liked the
day or not.
To give him confirmation, Harry hugged him tightly.
“Thank you, angel,” he whispered so Harry could just hear him above the roar of
the wind. “This has been the best birthday ever.”
Harry flushed with happiness, hugging him back. When they pulled away, they
walked side-by-side to the swing set and sat down next to each other. Neither
of them was swinging, but simply admiring the view. Louis turned to face Harry.
The pinkish glow in the sky was illuminating Harry in a breathtaking way.
Wait, breathtaking?
Louis shook his head to clear his thoughts. He could not get over how much
thought and effort Harry had put into today. Sure, his mum usually did this
kind of thing for him, but never anyone else. It was days like Louis’ birthday
that day that made him realize why Harry was his best mate. Harry simply knew
him better than anyone else.
Suddenly, Harry turned to him and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
Shit. He was caught staring.
“Why are you staring at me?” he asked. Louis thought quickly.
“Oh, I was just thinking about what I was going to do next.”
“What do you –?”
Without warning, Louis jumped up and grabbed Harry off of the swing. Ignoring
the younger boy’s squeals, he brought them both down in a snow bank nearby.
Louis grinned down at the boy below him as he wiggled to get out of the cold
that was threatening to soak through his clothes. Eventually, he gave in
knowing that Louis had won. He stared up at Louis with a petulant look and
Louis just laughed.
“I think this is your best angle, angel,” teased Louis, winking at the
implication.
Harry just rolled his eyes, a faint blush appearing.
“Yeah, yeah. Well, only you could get me in this position, Lou.”
Louis gaped at him and then the pair of them burst out laughing. Louis rolled
off of him and laid by his side, getting equally as soaked by the snow. As he
thought that, it began to snow for real again.
“It’s beautiful,” whispered Harry, staring up at the sky.
“Yeah,” breathed Louis, watching Harry fondly. The younger boy looked over to
him again and blinked bashfully. “You’ve got a snowflake on your eyelash. Here,
close your eyes.”
Harry did as he was instructed and Louis took a moment to just admire the boy
before he reached out and wiped away the snowflake. The action was strangely
intimate, but neither one of them thought much on it.
“W-We should probably get going,” said Harry after several moments of silence.
Louis nodded in agreement.
Despite both of them being frozen to the core, they walked back to Louis’ house
at a slow pace. They never wanted the perfect night to end.
“We’re home, mum!” Louis called out.
They did not receive a response.
“Mum?” he tried again. “Anne? Gems?” Still no answer, so he shrugged. “They
must have gone out to get groceries or something.”
He then noticed that Harry’s teeth were chattering and the boy’s lips were
turning blue. He wrapped his arms around him and took him to the upstairs
bathroom.
“W-Where are we going?”
“Let’s go take a shower and warm up.”
Harry stopped dead in his tracks and Louis felt Harry’s eyes trained on him. He
blushed bright red when he realized how that sounded.
“I – I just meant, you shouldn't have to go out again in the cold, especially
if they’re all out. It’s not a big deal if we take a shower in our briefs to
warm up, yeah?”
Harry was silent for a moment, still staring at him with an unreadable
expression.
“Why do we need to shower together?”
“Why are you making this difficult?” grumbled Louis. “It’s not like we’ve never
done it before.”
“And Eleanor would be okay with this?”
Louis was silent. Would Eleanor be okay with this? Probably not considering the
fact that she was not okay with a lot of things, but it was his life and if he
wanted to shower with Harry, then he would.
“It’s just an innocent shower,” he replied, avoiding the question. “Right?”
“Right,” said Harry hurriedly.
“Let’s go then.”
They walked into Louis’ adjoining bathroom and looked at each other uneasily.
“This is ridiculous. It’s not like we’ve never seen each other in swim trunks
before.”
“Y-Yeah.”
They did not say anything further and began stripping off their wet clothes.
The pair of them were left shivering on the cold linoleum and Louis turned on
the water. When he turned around, he saw that Harry had his arms in a weird
position, both trying to hide his stomach, but also trying to hide his scars.
Louis frowned. He walked over to the boy and grabbed Harry’s wrists gently and
pulled them away from his body.
“Don’t do that,” pleaded Louis. Harry looked up at him with tears sprinkling in
his emerald eyes. “You have nothing to hide from me, angel.”
“’M sorry,” murmured Harry.
“Don’t be, angel. Come on, let’s get in before we catch cold.”
Louis tested the water and finding it sufficiently warm, he stepped in and
brought Harry with him. He closed his eyes as he felt the warm water bring his
body temperature up. He then stepped aside and allowed Harry to do the same. He
watched as Harry’s hair laid plastered to his face and reached for the soap so
that he could do something with his hands. He did not want to make Harry
uncomfortable and he had already been staring at the boy too often today.
They lathered themselves up and made small talk to diffuse the tension that
they both were aware was present. Louis did not know why the tension was there,
but he could tell that Harry was not entirely at ease with the situation.
“Come here, angel,” said Louis, his voice barely above the steady stream of
water.
Harry looked at him in confusion and spun around when Louis instructed him too.
Louis felt his gaze drop subconsciously down Harry’s back and to…
His eyes snapped up immediately, pouring a generous amount of shampoo in his
hands before running it through the other boy’s scalp. He was unsure what
motivated him to do so, but he found himself enjoying it. After a few moments,
he could see Harry’s muscles relax from the shock of what he had done.
Why was he acting like this tonight? Louis pushed the thought aside.
“I’ll do yours,” murmured Harry once he had rinsed the shampoo out.
They switched positions and Louis slouched a bit so that Harry would have
easier access to the top of his head. He stifled a moan when Harry began
massaging his scalp. His eyes widened with the realization of how wildly
inappropriate that would have been.
Then the understanding of what they were doing hit Louis like a train.
They were taking a shower together.
He finally understood why Harry was so nervous about what Eleanor would think.
Blimey, what did Harry think? The only thing that separated the two of them was
some fabric that, if Louis was honest, left little to the imagination. Sure, he
and Harry had seen each other naked when they were younger, but showering
together when he had a girlfriend was entirely different.
Louis was even more bothered by the fact that he did not mind as much as he
knew that he should.
When Harry finished, he rinsed his hair off rather quickly and the turned off
the water. Their families should be home soon, if not already, and if they were
caught in here together that would lead to some extremely unfortunate
questions.
“You can go ahead and find something of mine to wear, I’ll change in here,”
said Louis, and Harry nodded. He left the bathroom without saying a word and
Louis let out the breath he did not realize that he was holding after the door
closed.
What was he getting himself into?
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry’s mind was chaos. The night had been wonderful thus far, so why was he
feeling his anxiety levels rising with every passing moment? The shower
definitely did not help. He felt incredibly guilty for being in there with
Louis the entire time. If anything, Louis should be doing that sort of thing
with his girlfriend, not him.
He could feel his heart threatening to pound its way out of his chest when
Louis began shampooing his hair. Had Louis gone on any longer, he was afraid
that he would have something to show for how he was feeling in that moment.
The thought alone terrified Harry.
Finally, he let out a breath when the bathroom door closed behind him and he
was back in Louis’ room. He had a towel wrapped around his waist as he went to
Louis’ bureau to pick out something casual to wear. He quickly found a fresh
pair of boxers, a simple white-t and jeans that he knew would fit. Dropping the
towel, he quickly stripped of his boxers and had them around his ankles when
suddenly, the bathroom door swung open.
“Ready to go down, ang – blimey – sorry!”
Harry felt his face turn bright red and saw Louis’ was the same. The other boy
had his hand over his eyes and resembled a tomato. Harry resisted the urge to
laugh because honestly, if he was not so embarrassed, the situation would have
been comical.
“I’d say you ought to have knocked, but I suppose it is your room,” said Harry
drily. He quickly pulled on a fresh pair of boxers. “I’m good now, Lou.”
Louis did not say anything and quickly went over to his nightstand to grab his
phone. He busied himself on the phone and did not make any eye contact with
Harry.
“Are we okay?” asked Harry timidly.
He saw Louis look up at him with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Yeah… why wouldn't we be?”
“It’s just – never mind.”
“Talk to me, angel,” said Louis, patting the open spot next to him. Harry sat
down, towel-drying his hair. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just… we keep having these weird moments and…”
“You’ve noticed them too,” was all that Louis said. Harry simply nodded.
“I don't want anything to be weird between us, Lou. I care about you and our
friendship too much for that. But…”
“But what?” asked Louis, and Harry could tell that he was nervous. He bit his
lip.
“I don't think we should do things like shower together anymore. I get that it
was for practicality purposes,” cut off Harry when Louis opened his mouth. “You
have a girlfriend though, Lou and she wouldn’t be thrilled about us doing
something like that. You have to realize that.”
“Yeah, I suppose,” replied Louis. Harry watched as the older lad played with
his fingers. Harry hesitantly took them in his own and stared at them rather
than looking Louis in the eye.
“We can still… spend time and cuddle together though, yeah?” He chanced a
glance up at Louis and saw, much to his relief, that Louis was smiling his
favorite smile. He loved when the crinkles appeared next to Louis’ eyes.
“Yeah, I don’t want that to stop.”
“Me either.”
“Louis! Harry! Dinnertime!”
“Coming!” they both shouted back in unison, grinning at the other.
“After you, Master Tomlinson?” Harry teased.
“Beauty before age, Angel Styles,” smirked Louis. “Oh, wait – that’s me as
well.”
“Tosser,” snickered Harry, pushing Louis aside and rushing out the door ahead
of him. “Catch you on the flipside, old man!”
“OI!”
***
~Louis’ POV~
Harry and Louis flopped down again on the latter’s bed. They had just finished
singing “Happy Birthday” to Louis, led by Harry because he had the strongest
voice. Louis had also opened his presents and Harry had said he wanted to
sleepover the night.
Louis sighed happily as his head hit his pillow and closed his eyes easily. His
peace did not last long because soon his eyes popped open from Harry tickling
his sides.
“Y-You m-monster!” Louis gasped, trying to fight Harry, but to no avail. The
other boy did not look it, but when given the opportunity, Harry could be
strong.
“Say I’m cooler than you!” said Harry, grinning as tears sprung to Louis’ eyes
from laughing so hard.
“N-Never –” choked Louis.
“Say it!”
“F-Fine! You’re c-cooler than m-m-me! UNCLE!”
Harry got off and sat back, smirking at Louis. Louis knew that Harry loved
winning their tickle wars since he rarely did since he was even more ticklish
than Louis.
“Okay, time for your last part of the night,” said Harry, and Louis noticed
that he seemed nervous now. Louis gave him a skeptical look. “I have your
birthday present.”
“Haz, you’ve already done so much for me today!” Louis protested. Harry shook
his head.
“This was something I got a while back before I planned today.” Louis watched
as he went over to the door and left the room momentarily. When he came back,
he had a small, cutely wrapped present with a little bow on it.
“Wrapped it myself,” said Harry with a cute smile. “It even has a bow.”
Louis smiled back at the bow. Sometimes Harry was too adorable for words.
Adorable?
Louis took the present from him and fixed him with a look.
“You really didn't have to do all of this, angel. I’ve already had the best
birthday.”
“I hope that you like it,” Harry murmured, ignoring Louis’ previous comment.
“I’m sure that I will love it.”
Louis began unwrapping it and revealed a disc. Before he could ask what was on
it, Harry popped it into the stereo that was on his bureau. He clicked one of
the buttons and they waited. Suddenly, they heard a voice:
“We ready to go?” It was Ed’s. there was a moment’s silence and then the
instruments began playing and suddenly, Louis realized what the disc was a
recording of.
Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
I'll let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Harry’s voice ended and then it turned to Louis’. The boy continued to listen
to the track with wide eyes.
And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Harry then picked up the song.
And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Harry and Louis listened as their voices joined together to finish the chorus.
Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll feel that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
The recording cut off and the room was filled with Harry’s voice again.
“Happy birthday Lou,” he said, and Louis smiled at his high, slow voice. “I
know how nervous you were about performing for the first time in front of
everyone, but I knew you could do it the entire time. I knew that Niall’s
studio on default recorded everything so after that night, I asked him for a
copy. I hope you love it, Lou and listen to it whenever you need a reminder of
how talented you are. Love, Harry.”
The recording officially stopped and Harry got up to retrieve the disc and turn
off the stereo. Louis realized then, much to his surprise and embarrassment,
that his eyes were slightly damp. Harry seemed to realize the same as well and
came rushing over.
“Are you upset Lou? Did you not like it? I’m so –”
Louis pulled the boy into a bone-crushing hug, effectively silencing him. After
a moment, Harry hugged him back and Louis pulled him back onto the bed.
“Thank you so much, angel. I love it.”
“You – You do?” Louis nodded against Harry’s head.
“More than any other present I’ve ever gotten. You put so much thought into it
and I can’t thank you enough.”
Harry smiled up at him and they just laid there like that for an indefinite
amount of time. Finally, Harry stirred.
“We should change Lou. It’s getting late.”
Louis nodded. He went to his closet and pulled out a pair of pajamas for
himself and Harry. He knew that normally, regardless of the weather, they both
slept in either just boxer-briefs or nothing at all, but they clearly could not
do that tonight. After they were both ready and washed for bed, he saw Harry
make his way out the door.
“Where are you going?” Louis pouted, and Harry snickered.
“I’m just going to get your sleeping bag –”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” grunted Louis. He went to the door and grabbed Harry’s
hand. It was surprisingly warm and he pulled him back to the bed, not letting
go even as they got in. “Cuddle with me, angel.”
“You sure?”
“Always.” Harry smiled again at him and cuddled into Louis, the older boy
wrapping his arms around Harry. He loved when they were like this, their limbs
tangled up to the point where he was unsure which belonged to him and vice
versa.
“Thank you for an incredible day, angel,” whispered Louis in the dark. He
brushed Harry’s hair aside and kissed the boy’s forehead.
“Anytime Lou. Goodnight.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Christmas went similarly to Louis’ birthday. The Styles’ spent the entire day
with Louis and his mum. They opened presents together and had supper all
together as well. Overall, Harry enjoyed both days more than any others during
the entire year. Those days were the ones where he was given Louis’ undivided
attention and he thrived.
Opting to sleep over another night at Louis’ house, Harry woke up again the
next morning in Louis’ arms. He smiled to himself, loving the feeling of the
two of them being flush against one another. It was so comforting and he loved
being the little spoon.
Harry was afraid to move too far so he simply shifted and looked at Louis. He
was still fast asleep so he took the moment of peace to admire his features.
Despite it being the middle of winter, Louis’ skin was golden as always. There
were a few freckles here and there, but only visible being as close as Harry
lay. Louis’ eyelashes were fluttering slightly and Harry wished that he could
see the blue in Louis’ eyes. He had always been envious of Louis’ blue eyes and
how stunning they were. Everyone thought so and Harry wished that his eyes were
the same shade.
Harry’s gaze then darted down to Louis’ bright, pink lips. They were thin, but
did not look unpleasant. Harry found himself mesmerized by the pair and
swallowed when Louis’ tongue slipped out of his mouth momentarily and glided
across them. Harry’s eyes then widened in alarm at the growing problem going on
“downstairs.”
He quickly got out of Louis’ bed and threw his clothes on, trying to conceal
what was threatening to become obvious. He darted out of the bedroom and
despite the iciness of the fire escape, scaled the side of the house and darted
through his unlocked window.
Stripping himself of his clothes, he locked the door and stood in his bathroom
stark naked. There was nothing hiding it anymore. He had a definite hard-on. He
willed himself to think of something nasty like wrinkly, old grandmothers, but
nothing worked. He had never had this problem before. Normally, when he would
get morning wood, he could solve it with these thoughts, but it was clear that
he would have to go to more extensive measures now.
Stepping into the shower, he turned on the water. Believe it or not, he had
never done this before and was not entirely sure how to begin. He hesitantly
started pumping, like he had seen in the video with Niall and the other lads
and felt a strange sensation coursing through his body. He had never felt this
kind of pleasure before and he was not entirely sure whether he liked it or
found it uncomfortable.
He tried picturing the woman in the video, but found himself accomplishing
nothing. He found nothing desirable about her. Reluctantly, his mind wandered
to the man in the video. Without warning, he let out a moan and his eyes
widened in shock.
He was in such pain at this point that he ignored the fact that he was getting
off to the image of the man’s naked body in the video and continued to pleasure
himself. He ran his thumb over the head and threw his head back, his moans
covered by the steady stream of water. Finally, he came and watched as the
remnants of his thoughts from that morning were washed down the drain.
The impact of what he had done hit him hard and with shaky legs, he sat down
and leaned against the shower wall. He felt his tears mix with the fresh,
shower water and let out a choked sob.
They were right… they had all been right. All of those people who ever bullied
and teased him had been right. He had been denying it for ages, thinking that
perhaps he just was not interested in girls because he was inexperienced, but
he felt certain now.
Harry knew that he definitely fancied men and the realization broke his heart.
Not because he was unaccepting or thought it was dirty. He had no issue with
same-sex couples or marriage, but he never thought it would be him, nor did he
ever want it to be him. It was simply easier to be straight. Everyone accepted
you automatically and there was no explaining yourself to anyone. There was
also no constant fear of alienation every time that you told someone new that
you did not fancy the opposite sex.
Harry had no idea what he was going to do. Now people would have another reason
to tease him in school and he could not cope with that. His weight and
appearance, he knew that he could change with time. His sexuality; however, he
could not change and that terrified him.
As he thought about it more, what frightened him the most was not the people
that he did not know finding out. He was more concerned of the reaction of
those who did know him.
More than anyone, Louis.
He hoped and imagined that his family would accept him once the initial shock
wore off. But Louis…
It was not so much that he was afraid of Louis turning on him. He never saw
Louis as a hateful person unless someone did something to harm a loved one…
namely Harry. But he also did not want Louis treating him differently and for
their relationship to change. Louis might feel uncomfortable now by how close
they have been and Harry could not cope with that.
He had no idea what he was going to do.
“HARRY EDWARD STYLES! YOU ARE USING ALL OF THE HOT WATER!”
That would be Gemma. Wiping his eyes and realizing that he did not even shower,
he turned off the water. Grabbing a towel from the rack, he wrapped it around
his waist.
“I’m out, Gem,” he muttered, his voice hoarse. She grunted a thanks and he
heard his bedroom door close indicating that she had left his room.
After he changed and got ready for the day, he sat down on his bed and stared
at his phone. He had three new unread text messages. With nervous fingers, he
opened them.
10:49: Angel, where did you go? I woke up and miss you.
10:51: Thank you for the past two days, Haz. They’ve been incredible xx.
10:59: Are you okay?
Was he okay? No, not by a long shot. He realized though that if he ever wanted
Louis to trust him, he had to stop keeping secrets from him and tell him what
he discovered about himself.
11:11: No, Lou, I’m not. Can we talk?
***
It did not take Louis long to respond to Harry and tell him that he was on his
way. Harry felt awful for taking Louis away from his mum on Boxing Day, but
Louis insisted that it was fine.
Harry heard a light knock on his window and opened it for Louis. He was unsure
why the both of them had an aversion to using the front door, but he did not
question it.
Based on Louis’ expression, Harry could tell that the other boy knew he had
been crying. Louis’ eyes practically frowned themselves as he observed Harry.
“What happened, angel?” asked Louis, taking Harry into his arms.
Harry’s eyes filled up with tears and he did not say anything, but he could
feel his tears soaking through Louis’ shirt. He heard Louis’ intake of breath,
also realizing that he, Harry, was crying, and led him over to the bed so that
they could sit down.
“Angel, please talk to me. You’re scaring me,” pleaded Louis.
“I’m s-sorry L-L-Lou,” sobbed Harry. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, angel,” hushed Louis. “How can I help you?”
“C-Can you just h-hold me for now?” whimpered Harry, and Louis nodded.
They laid there like that as Harry continued to cry because he knew that
moments like the one they were having were temporary. He knew that once Louis
found out about him that everything would change. How could it not?
He sighed as he felt Louis stroking his hair. Louis’ touch always calmed him
down, no matter how upset he got. Louis was a constant in his life and he could
not imagine a life without him being by his side. Well, if Louis started to
distance himself then he might just have to start imagining.
“I – I don't know where to start,” croaked Harry, and he felt Louis’ arms
tighten around him.
“Take your time angel, I’m in no rush. Take as much time as you need.”
Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He thought that the realization
was terrifying, but the actual telling to someone was far worse. He could have
never prepared himself for this moment.
“Promise me that you’ll let me get all the way through without any
interruptions? I don’t think I’ll be able to continue if I’m stopped.” Louis
nodded in understanding and Harry launched into it before he could second-guess
himself.
“I think that I knew it for a while, at least on a subconscious level. I never
wanted to believe it though because I knew that people would only tease and
bully me more. I would feel… different than the other boys in my class and I
thought it was just because that I have no experience, but then I realized that
thinking that was only an excuse. An excuse that was only a short-term
solution. I know I’m beating around the topic here, Lou, and I’m sorry, but I
never thought that I would have to say this to anyone and you’re the first one
I’m telling and I hope that nothing will change between us because I value our
friendship more than anything in the world and… Louis, I’m fairly certain that
I’m gay.”
Harry let out the breath that he did not realize he was holding. He tried to
discretely wipe the tears that had fallen during his monologue, but he was sure
that Louis saw them. He could not look up at Louis though because he was afraid
of what he would see in the older boy’s eyes.
Eventually, he heard Louis breathe. He focused on the boy’s feet until Louis
forced him to look up by placing a finger underneath his chin. Harry closed his
eyes.
“Angel, please look at me.”
“I can’t Lou,” begged Harry.
“Why not?”
“B-Because… because I’m afraid of how you’ll look at me.”
“Please angel. Please look at me, I miss your eyes.”
Eventually, Harry acquiesced and looked at Louis. Thankfully, Louis looked more
concerned than anything else. Harry could deal with that. What he could not
deal with was hatred or disgust and thankfully, Louis gave no sign of feeling
either of those emotions toward him.
“I would never look at you differently for any reason, Haz,” sighed Louis. “How
long have you known?”
“S-Since this morning.” Louis furrowed his eyebrows. “I know that it’s sudden,
but everything just clicked in place and – and it just all makes sense, I can’t
explain it.”
Louis nodded, still stroking Harry’s hair absentmindedly. Harry would give
anything to know what Louis was thinking about right now.
“Do you fancy someone?” Harry’s eyes widened in surprise.
“What?”
“I just figured – I don’t know, maybe that’s how you realized it.” Harry just
shook his head.
“No. At least I don’t think I do. I haven’t thought too hard about it, it’s
more of just a general attraction, I suppose. Kind of like how you fancied
girls before you knew that you fancied Eleanor.”
Harry swore for a second he saw a disappointed and troubled look on Louis’
face, but the expression was gone as soon as he looked closer. He must have
imagined the look.
“Yeah, right,” said Louis with an incredibly obvious forced smile.
“So are we all right?” asked Harry nervously, and Louis nodded with a soft
expression.
“There will always be the ones who criticize, but I know we’ll be all right,
angel.” He pressed a kiss to Harry’s forehead and the two laid there for the
remainder of the morning.
***
~Louis’ POV~ (Earlier that morning)
Louis woke up with a smile on his face. The past two days had been brilliant.
He and Harry had spent loads of time together and everything was as it should
be between them. They had never been closer.
He rolled over and frowned when he reached the end of his bed. He felt around
and then opened his eyes in confusion. Harry was gone and so were Harry’s
belongings.
He reached onto his nightstand to look at his phone. No missed messages.
Deciding to reach out to Harry, he opened a new one.
Angel, where did you go? I woke up and miss you.
He thought that the message was a bit cheesy, but he was speaking the truth. He
had grown used to being so close to Harry the past few days and to be without
him was odd. Remembering that he had wanted to thank him again, but forgot last
night, he sent Harry another message.
Thank you for the past two days, Haz. They’ve been incredible xx.
He waited for over several minutes and still received no response. He was
getting nervous. Harry was hardly away from his phone for long stretches of
time. Eventually, he caved and sent a final message.
Are you okay?
It took Harry some time to reply after that, but when he did, Louis’ breath
hitched.
No, Lou, I’m not. Can we talk?
Louis immediately jumped out of bed and threw on any clothes that he could
find. He was fairly certain that he was wearing some article of clothing
backwards or inside out, but he could not find it in himself to care. All he
cared about was Harry and how his Harry was distressed.
Harry sent him another message apologizing for taking him away from his mum.
Louis just rolled his eyes. Harry always worried about trivial matters over his
own well-being. Louis responded nonetheless saying that there was no problem
with him coming over and after washing up quickly, ran out of his room.
When he got outside, he quickly climbed Harry’s fire escape and entered the
room the moment that the window was opened for him.
Louis immediately searched for Harry’s eyes and when he found them, he knew
automatically that the boy had been crying for a while. They were red-rimmed
and puffy and Louis’ heart ached from the sight.
“What happened, angel?” he asked, pulling Harry into his arms.
He received no response from Harry, but could feel his shirt becoming wet. He
inhaled sharply and realized that whatever was going on was more serious than
he realized. He led the pair of them over to Harry’s bed so that they could sit
down.
“Angel, please talk to me. You’re scaring me,” Louis pleaded.
“I’m s-sorry L-L-Lou,” sobbed Harry. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, angel,” hushed Louis. “How can I help you?”
“C-Can you just h-hold me for now?” whimpered Harry, and Louis felt himself
nod.
They laid there like that as Harry continued to cry. Louis’ mind was spinning
and he could feel his heart racing. He was terrified because all of this time
he thought that Harry was doing better. He thought that Harry was happy and
that they were talking. How long had his angel been unhappy again and Louis not
realize that he was this way?
Louis began stroking Harry’s hair to soothe the boy and he heard him sigh.
Louis smiled gently; glad that he could help Harry in a small way. He felt so
helpless right now.
“I – I don't know where to start,” croaked Harry, and Louis tightened his arms
around him.
“Take your time angel, I’m in no rush. Take as much time as you need.”
He watched as Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He waited with
baited breath for Harry to reveal what was plaguing his mind.
“Promise me that you’ll let me get all the way through without any
interruptions? I don’t think I’ll be able to continue if I’m stopped.” Louis
nodded anxiously and listened carefully as Harry launched into the story.
“I think that I knew it for a while, at least on a subconscious level. I never
wanted to believe it though because I knew that people would only tease and
bully me more. I would feel… different than the other boys in my class and I
thought it was just because that I have no experience, but I realized that
thinking that was only an excuse. An excuse that was only a short-term
solution. I know I’m beating around the topic here, Lou, and I’m sorry, but I
never thought that I would have to say this to anyone and you’re the first one
I’m telling and I hope that nothing will change between us because I value our
friendship more than anything in the world and… Louis, I’m fairly certain that
I’m gay.”
Time was frozen for Louis. Of all the things that he expected Harry to possibly
tell him, Harry being gay was certainly not even on his radar. He was simply
speechless.
He did not care. He loved Harry regardless of his sexuality, but he was still
shocked. How long has Harry known? Has he been keeping these feelings pent up
for a long time thinking that Louis would hate him? Louis’ mind suddenly honed
in on one part of what Harry had just told him.
You’re the first one I’m telling and I hope that nothing will change between
us.
Of course nothing would change between them and Louis felt his heart swell that
Harry came to him first. He was honored, really. He was relieved that Harry
trusted him so much with such a huge part of himself and Louis could not
articulate how wonderful that made him feel.
Suddenly, he realized that both he and Harry had not said anything for several
moments and that Harry could be taking his silence as a negative response.
He released a breath and placed his fingers underneath Harry’s chin. He looked
on sadly as Harry closed his eyes to avoid making eye contact with him. Did he
ever give Harry the impression that he would be disgusted by something like
this?
Of course you did, when you put people’s perceptions of you above your
friendship and began dating Eleanor. Louis turned off his internal battle
momentarily.
“Angel, please look at me.”
“I can’t Lou,” begged Harry.
“Why not?”
“B-Because… because I’m afraid of how you’ll look at me.”
Louis’ heart could not possibly hurt more than it did in that moment. Harry was
truly afraid that he would lose Louis over the revelation.
“Please angel. Please look at me, I miss your eyes,” said Louis honestly.
Eventually, Harry acquiesced and looked up at him.
“I would never look at you differently for any reason, Haz,” sighed Louis. “How
long have you known for sure?”
“S-Since this morning.” Louis furrowed his eyebrows. How could he have realized
so quickly? “I know that it’s sudden, but everything just clicked in place and
– and it just all makes sense, I can’t explain it.”
Louis nodded, still stroking Harry’s hair absentmindedly. A thought suddenly
occurred to him. What if Harry fancied someone? It would be a logical way to
discovering that he likes blokes if he fancied one. The thought made Louis’
head spin for some inexplicable reason.
He saw Harry giving him a searching look.
“Do you fancy someone?” he asked finally. Harry’s eyes widened in surprise.
“What?” Louis backtracked quickly.
“I just figured – I don’t know, maybe that’s how you realized it.” Harry just
shook his head.
“No. At least I don’t think I do. I haven’t thought too hard about it, it’s
more of just a general attraction, I suppose. Kind of like how you fancied
girls before you knew that you fancied Eleanor.”
Louis found himself deflating for some reason. Eleanor. He had not thought of
her in a while and had not even wished her a happy Christmas. What a lousy
boyfriend he was. Did he feel the way for her that Harry seemed to indicate? He
thought so up until this moment of doubt.
No, of course he cared for Eleanor.
Still, he found himself oddly disheartened by Harry’s words.
“Yeah, right,” he finally said with a forced smile. He feared that Harry could
see through him, but if he did then he gave no indication.
“So are we all right?” asked Harry nervously.
Louis nodded, his expression soft. He never wanted Harry to think otherwise.
“There will always be the ones who criticize, but I know we’ll be all right,
angel.” He pressed a kiss to Harry’s forehead and the two laid there for the
remainder of the morning as Louis tried to let the events sink in properly.
***
~Louis’ POV~
The New Year was almost upon them and Louis had no idea what it would bring.
The last year threw some curveballs at him that he could have never predicted
and he was not sure that he was ready for any more.
His mate Liam who he has known for as long as he knew Stan was throwing a New
Year’s Eve party and he was going. Practically all of his year was and Eleanor
had practically twisted his arm into joining her. She complained that if he did
not go that she would not have anyone to kiss at midnight. Personally, Louis
did not think it was a strong or compelling argument, but he did not want to
argue with her.
If he was honest, he was beginning to lose interest in Eleanor. They had been
dating for the past four years, but he felt like they were practically dating
from birth. She would tell him the same stories and complain about the same
people and he could not find it in himself to feign interest for much longer.
He did not know if he should break it off though. Every time he pulled away,
she would bring herself closer in more than one way. He had been spending time
with her the past couple of days and they had sex together three times. Louis
knew that he should feel something more for her, but he simply did not and it
made him feel awful like he was just using her to get off.
He was staring at his ceiling and just shook his head to clear his mind. He was
being absurd. He had a lot on his mind lately and he was simply stressed about
everything. Of course he cared about Eleanor.
Cared about her. They had been together four years and not once had he even
considered feeling anything more than an attraction and care for her. As young
as he was, he was certain that he should feel something akin to love by this
point, but he felt nothing.
He grunted, sitting up and gripping his hair in frustration. He had not spoken
to Harry in a couple of days and he knew that he was avoiding the boy. It was
not because he had anything against the boy, but he did not know how to behave.
He had promised Harry that nothing would change, but that was so far from the
truth. He had seen texts from Harry, but he had ignored all of them or when he
did respond, he said that he was busy spending time with Eleanor or his mum.
He could tell that even his mother was growing suspicious. Louis hardly spent
time away from Harry and it was clear that something was bothering him
regardless of how hard he tried to hide it. As if on cue, his mother knocked on
his door before entering.
“Mum! I could have been changing!” Louis protested, and Jay rolled her eyes.
“Don’t be silly, darling. I brought you into this world, there is not a part of
you that I haven’t seen.” Louis groaned in embarrassment and Jay smiled
slightly.
“Is there something you need?” asked Louis pointedly.
“There is actually. I need you to go over and speak to Harry about whatever is
going on between the two of you. I know that you’ve been avoiding him and I
know that it’s only hurting both of you.”
“How do you –?”
“I’m a mother, I know these things. I also was visiting with Anne yesterday
morning and she told me that she was worried about him.”
“S-She did?” Jay nodded.
“She has been for a while, but things had been getting better. Until the day
after Boxing Day. She’s not deaf, Lou. She can hear him crying and this isn’t
the first time.”
Louis looked down at his hands guiltily. Harry being upset was all his fault.
He kept hurting his angel and he did not know how to fix himself or what was
between him.
“I noticed a common correlation,” said Jay softly. “Whenever Harry is upset the
two of you tend to be on a “hiatus.” What happened between the two of you,
Louis?”
Louis just shook his head. He bit his lip and tried to figure out how he could
speak to her about what was wrong without revealing anything.
“Haz and I were talking about something the other day,” said Louis slowly. “He
was worried that I wouldn’t like his – erm – opinion on the matter, but I
assured him that his opinion is valid and that mates can have different
opinions.”
Jay nodded slowly, giving Louis the encouragement that he needed to continue.
“His opinion just threw me for a loop, mum. I never expected it and I don’t
want to make him feel like he can’t have it, but I feel like if I say the wrong
thing that he’ll think that I’m pushing him away.”
“I think that you already are, Boobear,” said Jay softly. Louis frowned at the
realization.
“Why do I keep doing this to him, mum? I keep hurting him and in the moment
everything seems justified, but later he’s torn up and it’s all my fault. I was
supposed to protect him from being hurt, not be the one constantly hurting
him!”
Jay brought him into her arms and shushed him, stroking his hair soothingly. He
sighed and relaxed into her. Her stroking his hair always helped him calm down
when he was worked up.
“I’m so sorry darling.”
“Why?” asked Louis confused. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Jay just shook her
head.
“I should have never put so much pressure on you to watch out for Harry. You
were so young and I knew that he would need protecting, but so do you. You’ve
always put him first, sometimes to a fault and both of you end up getting hurt
because you’re still young and you’re supposed to make mistakes. I’m so sorry.”
“Well I’m not,” said Louis firmly, sitting up and looking his mother directly
in the eye. “Harry is the most important person in my life, along with you, and
I would do anything for him whether you told me to or not. He deserves that
much and I need to stop running from the things that I don’t understand.”
“I’m so proud of you, darling,” said Jay, stroking Louis’ cheek lovingly. She
planted a kiss on his forehead. “You’re turning into a fine young man.”
“Well, I did have a pretty good mom and dad,” he said, pointedly looking at
Jay. She wiped her eyes discretely and pulled him in for a quick hug. “I’ll be
back later, mum.”
She nodded and he hurried out of the room to make things right with Harry.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry simply felt numb. Numb was the only way to describe how he felt at that
point. He had completely exhausted his tears and a feeling of emptiness
replaced the pain.
It had been days since he and Louis had spoken and he was no fool. He knew that
Louis was slowly edging him out. What hurt the most was that he expected it,
but Louis had tricked him into believing that nothing would change. Harry had
truly believed him too. He thought that since Louis vowed to always keep his
word that Louis’ word would actually mean something. So far though he had
proved to Harry that his word was useless.
He heard the doorbell ring and his sister answer it. He had refused her or his
mum to come in, but he knew that they were worried about him. He had not been
exactly quiet.
He listened as footsteps walked up the stairs and then stopped in front of his
door. There was a hesitant knock.
“Go away Gemma, I don’t want to talk any more than I did fifteen minutes ago.”
“How about me?” asked a soft, Irish voice. Harry swallowed.
“Come in.”
The door opened and Harry glanced over at Niall. He had not seen the boy for
quite some time. Niall had gone home to Ireland to visit his family for the
holidays, so the opportunity to speak with him had been minimal. Not that Harry
was likely to have reached out anyways, but he justified that by saying Niall
was with his loved ones and would not want to be bothered.
“You could have called me,” was all that Niall said and that was all that it
took.
Apparently, if prompted in the right way, you could cry more even after you
feel like you have cried a river. Harry was certainly testing the theory as the
moments passed.
“And s-say what?” choked Harry, tears streaming down his face. “That I’m f-
fucked up and an emotional piece of sh-shit?” He brought his knees up to his
chin and Niall sat down next to him.
“Don’t talk like that, H. You’re neither one of those things, but you’re
clearly upset about something. Talk to me, maybe I can help.”
“You c-can’t.”
“Try me?” Harry groaned in frustration.
“I told him that I’m gay, Niall,” Harry blurted out before he could filter
himself. Niall’s eyes widened in surprise. “I told Louis that I’m fucking gay
and do you know what he told me? He told me that it makes no difference and
that our friendship would always be too important for him to let anything come
between us.”
“That’s great H –”
“It was bullshit.” He saw Niall cringe and he did internally as well. Harry
hardly ever cursed, but when he did then he was truly angry. “He lied to me.
He’s hardly said two words to me since I told him on Boxing Day. And when he
does respond to my messages it’s to tell me that he’s spending time with his
bloody girlfriend. It’s like he’s afraid that I’ll fucking infect him and he’s
trying to assert his masculinity. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me
feel, Ni? To know that my best mate of my entire life thinks I’m carrying some
disease?”
“I’m sure that he doesn’t think that H…”
“Well, maybe he should! Maybe I am disgusting –”
SLAP!
Harry sat back stunned. Niall was looking at him and for only the second time
since they had become friends, Niall looked furious. The first time was on the
first day that they met when those older students targeted Harry and Niall had
told them off.
“I never want to hear you say that about yourself again, do you hear me,
Harry?” Harry stared at him with wide eyes. “Do you hear me?” Harry nodded
quickly and Niall deflated, his expression regretful.
“I never told you the reason why I came here, did I?” said Niall in a dull
voice. Harry shook his head.
“I didn’t exactly come here by choice, mate. I – Well, let’s just say that it
was bad where I was before. Ireland is extremely Catholic, I’m sure that you
know that and the school that I went to before Academy was no different. They
frowned upon anything that went against ‘God’s word’ and were strict enforcers
of ‘the message.’”
Harry listened silently, not wanting to interrupt Niall. He had a sinking
feeling in his stomach.
“You can probably figure out the rest. I realized that I wasn’t straight when I
was twelve. Sure, I find girls plenty attractive – you could probably tell from
that night after the recording with the lads – but I’ve never solely been
attracted to them.”
“So… are you bisexual?” Niall shrugged.
“I never felt the need to label myself. All I know is that I’m Niall and that I
like all genders. It makes no difference to me and though there will be people
trying to label me as bi, or pan, or any other title under the sun, I don’t
care. I am my own person.”
“I wish I could be more like you,” murmured Harry.
“I didn’t get this way over night Harry. Bloody hell, I’m fifteen and have
spent the past three years torturing myself trying to figure out who I want to
be for others. It was about time that I put that aside and figured out who I
wanted to be for myself. If not for my own clarity then for my own mental
health.”
“Have you told anyone?”
“My immediate family. That's why I came here to live with Greg. Mum and dad
thought that I would be happier and be able to live more freely. I can’t say
that I see it yet, but I know you’re the best person I’ve met here and if
nothing else, I’m glad that we became mates.”
“Likewise,” said Harry with a slight smile.
He and Niall were quiet for a little bit. Harry contemplated all that Niall had
told him. He certainly understood better why Niall had been so furious that day
in the hall. Besides being a loyal friend, the words that the girl spoke hit
home in some way for Niall. Quite literally. He had left most of his family
behind to get away from that kind of prejudice only to see that he was
thousands of miles away and still encountering the same disgusting behavior. It
must be infuriating to him and then for Harry to also call himself disgusting
only made matters worse.
“I’m sorry for what I said about myself.” Niall just shook his head.
“I know that you can’t see it now H, but Louis is probably just afraid that
he’ll say the wrong thing to you or that he’ll make you feel uneasy. He may be
pushing you away, but it’s only because he’s afraid that it’ll happen anyway
because let’s face it, he’s way out of his depth.”
Harry sighed and leaned back against his pillow.
“Everything was easier when I was ignoring the truth.” Niall smiled
sympathetically.
“Welcome to the real world, H,” he said, throwing his arm over Harry’s
shoulder. “It sucks, you’re gonna love it.”
“Quoting FRIENDS?” Harry snorted. “Seriously?”
“There’s never a wrong time to quote FRIENDS!”
“He’s not wrong.”
Both boys turned to the window in alarm and saw Louis sitting on the
windowsill. Niall narrowed his eyes.
“One wrong move, Tomlinson, and I swear – I’ll push you off that fire escape.”
Louis held his hands in the air and turned to Harry.
“Can we please talk, Haz?”
Harry bit his tongue and nodded begrudgingly. He turned to Niall.
“We’ll talk more later?”
“Sure thing, H,” said Niall, standing up and kissing the top of Harry’s hair.
He walked out of the room without another word and Harry watched him go in
surprise. Niall had never been so… intimate before. He was surprisingly okay
with it. He turned back to face Louis and saw a troubled look on his face and
crossed his arms.
“Problem?”
“I – Nothing,” said Louis quickly, and Harry raised an eyebrow.
“I assume you came here for a reason,” he said coldly, and Louis flinched at
his tone, but nodded.
“Yeah, I need to t-talk to you.”
“Talk.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
When Louis had arrived at Harry’s room, he heard more than he had bargained
for. He arrived at about the same time Niall had and did not want to interrupt,
so he had crouched outside listening to the conversation. Sure, he felt slight
guilty for eavesdropping, especially because Niall had told Harry something
personal, but he felt that he needed to know what he was going into.
Normally, when he and Harry were separate and Harry was upset, Harry would be
crying a lot and Louis comforting him and promising that things would be
different would suffice. Now, Louis was terrified because although he heard
Harry crying earlier – and it broke his heart – he also knew that Harry was
furious.
In the fourteen years that he had known Harry, he could count the amount of
times that Harry had been angry on one hand. Harry was not a person who got mad
easily. Even though he could be sensitive when someone teased or hurt him, he
never got angry and lashed out like Louis did. He would cry, he would keep to
himself and he would compartmentalize any anger that he felt.
To hear Harry cursing when talking about him was something that he had never
experienced before and never wanted to again. Quite frankly, Harry being angry
terrified him because he did not know what to expect or how to try and fix it
so that they were okay again. That is why when Harry told him to talk that he
clammed up and stared at him with wide eyes. Harry looked extremely
unimpressed.
“If you’re just going to stand there like a deer caught in the headlights then
leave.”
Louis flinched at his cold words. He hated seeing Harry like this. It was not
him and both of them knew it. He could see how Harry did not like what he was
saying either.
“I’m sorry, angel,” he whispered, and Harry scoffed.
“You’re sorry?” sneered Harry. “You’re going to have to dig a bit deeper,
Louis. ‘Sorry’ isn’t going to work this time.”
“I know that,” said Louis quickly. “I just – I’ve never seen you like this Haz,
I’m not used to it and I don't even know why I’ve been doing what I’ve been
doing…” He was rambling like a fool and Harry was staring at him with an
expressionless face.
Deciding he might as well be honest, he bit the bullet.
“I heard yours and Niall’s conversation.”
Louis wished that he had lied. Harry’s face transformed from expressionless to
one of pure fury. Louis had never been more scared in his life.
“You were eavesdropping on our private conversation?”
“I-It was about me!” Louis tried, but Harry cut him off.
“Bullshit. I don’t give a damn if it was about you, Louis, how dare you? You do
this… shit and keep doing it and expect me to forgive you every damn time? I’m
sure this isn’t the first and I know that you certainly have interfered with
our friendship before when you practically ambushed him in the bathroom.”
Louis’ mouth fell open in shock.
“Did he say –?”
“Of course he didn’t, he defended you saying that you ‘cared about me.’ Fat
load of rubbish that is – you don’t repeatedly hurt the people that you care
about, Louis. I’m astounded you haven’t gotten that through your thick skull
yet.”
“I do care about you, Harry! More than I’ve cared about anyone.”
“Yeah? And how have you been showing that? By ignoring me, by falling under the
sheets with Eleanor. I’m not an idiot, Louis, your house isn’t that far and you
should really close your window.”
Louis flushed bright red and for some reason, hated that Harry heard that.
Eleanor could be vocal while they were doing it and the fact that Harry heard
that humiliated him.
“You have every right to be embarrassed about that, it’s disgusting,” said
Harry carelessly, not seeming to care that Louis’ expression was crumbling
before him.
“I know that I pushed you away Harry and I know that it was wrong and that I
promised nothing would change, but it really hasn’t! No, listen to me!” he said
when Harry rolled his eyes. “Bloody hell, Harry, I’ve been thinking about that
day since you told me about – about –”
“That I fancy boys,” said Harry bluntly, and Louis looked down.
“Yeah. It’s not that I don’t want to be around you, I just didn’t know how to
act. I didn’t want to say or assume the wrong thing and I guess it was easier
for me to push you away so that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”
“So is that it then?” said Harry, his face riddled with confusion and hurt now.
“You don’t want anything to do with me, so you wanted me to feel the same?”
“No,” said Louis hastily, running a hand over his face. “I know I’m doing a
shit job at explaining myself, but trust me when I say that I don’t want you
out of my life, angel. You’re the most important person in the world to me, and
I have always known that, but I hope that I didn’t just remember it too late.”
Harry was silent and Louis bit his lip anxiously. He could not deal with the
anxiety of the silence and of the space between them. No matter how hard he
tried, the space kept getting deeper and he did not want this to be the end of
their friendship. He was fairly certain that he would not be able to survive
that.
“I don’t want to lose you either,” said Harry quietly, and Louis looked up
happily. “But I don’t forgive you. At least not yet.”
Louis nodded, bringing his gaze back down and Harry continued.
“You’ve hurt me so many times Louis – so many times,” he continued. “And every
time you hurt me, I feel like I’ll never be able to pick up the pieces again.
But then you come back in here and apologize and I fall into your arms and you
promise that our friendship will last forever… and then the vicious cycle
continues.”
“I can’t keep doing that. I get that you were thrown by me telling you that I’m
gay, but you could have talked to me about it. You could have talked to me
instead of pretending that everything was perfectly fine. I trusted you against
everything and to think that you had lied… I’ve been a wreck.”
“I never wanted to hurt you, angel,” said Louis. He felt his cheeks grow wet
and knew that he had tears streaming down his face, but made no move to stop
them from flowing. “I’ve never wanted to ever. All I’ve wanted to do is protect
you.”
“You have this God complex! You’ve had it since we were kids and it’s like you
feel this need to protect me from everything, but you forget that you’re just
as susceptible to hurting me as anyone else is. More so, Louis because I don’t
give a damn about the others. Yeah, they said and did things that have fucked
me up, but at the end of the day you were the only person that really mattered.
You were the only person who could put me back together or break me for good.”
Louis just stood there with silent tears racing down his cheek. He felt like
his world was crashing in on him and he could not stop thinking about how the
tables had turned. He was not used to being the one crying and he let out a
gasp, trying to catch his breath. He felt everything close in on him and he
panicked, trying to breathe.
“Louis – LOUIS!” shouted Harry, grabbing his cheeks and looking at him in the
eye. “Breathe in Louis.” Louis did as he was instructed. “Now breathe out.” He
did so.
“Please Louis, keep breathing in and out slowly.” Harry brought them over to
his bed and his warm hands never left Louis’ face.
Louis had no idea what was happening, but he felt his breathing slow down. He
could hear Harry talking, but he could not hear the words and eventually, he
blacked out.
***
When Louis woke up, he was in a different, unfamiliar room. He looked around
and realized that he must be in a hospital. How had he gotten here though?
His gaze finally fell on Harry, who was asleep in an uncomfortable looking
chair. He smiled slightly and then everything came crashing back down on him.
Avoiding Harry, going to his room to talk, the anxiety attack…
Anxiety attack. That’s what brought him here. The last thing he remembered was
Harry telling him about his “God complex” and then suddenly everything was
fuzzy before it all turned black. He grabbed his forehead, suddenly feeling a
sharp pain and let out a weak whimper.
The noise was enough to wake Harry though and when he saw that Louis was awake,
he immediately pressed the buzzer to notify a nurse. He turned Louis.
“How are you feeling?” he asked quietly.
“Like someone dropped an anvil on my head. How long have I been here for?”
“Only a couple of hours. Jay just stepped out to grab a cup of tea and mum and
Gemma are in the waiting room.” He suddenly looked away. “Do you remember what
happened?”
Louis nodded without a word, forcing Harry to look up again.
“Lou, I’m sorry –”
“Forget about it,” said Louis gruffly. “Consider us square?”
“No,” said Harry harshly, and Louis flinched. He softened his voice. “I’m sorry
– but no, Louis, you can’t keep doing this. We both hurt each other terribly. I
said horrible things that put you in here, I can’t just sweep that under the
rug and say, ‘Well, we both caused shit for each other, let’s just call it a
day.’”
“Why not?” asked Louis impatiently. “Do you want us to keep doing this until
we’re both blue in the face?”
“Of course I don’t. I hated saying those things to you, Louis, but I felt that
I had to and to be honest, I still feel that way. I’ve been bottling my
feelings for so long and just accepting every apology that it just… something
snapped. I can’t just keep accepting things anymore because no, it’s not okay
and I’m not fine. I will be though and you will be too once we address our
issues.”
Louis opened his mouth to respond when the door opened. A nurse and Jay greeted
them.
“Oh, my poor baby boy!” cried Jay, tears in her eyes. She ran up to Louis and
engulfed him in a tight hug.
“Mom… too tight,” gasped Louis, and she immediately loosened her grip.
“Sorry dear.” He just shook his head and turned to the nurse. He looked at her
nametag and saw Nurse Thirlwall was written on it.
“Your charts seem to indicate that you’ll be fine, Mr. Tomlinson,” she said
with a bright smile. “Dr. Jacobs will be in to see you shortly. After running
some tests, unless something shows up flagged, I imagine that your release
papers will be able to be signed and that you’ll be free to go.”
Louis nodded slightly as to not aggravate his head and Nurse Thirlwall left the
room. The door closed behind her and he felt his mother’s gaze on him.
“Yeah?” he sighed, and she frowned.
“What happened, darling? Last I was with you, you were fine and –”
“It’s my fault Jay,” interjected Harry, and both sets of eyes turned on him.
“Harry, don’t –” Louis began, but Harry just shook his head.
“I – Louis came over to talk and I was just so angry and I said awful things. I
know that I shouldn’t have, but I just couldn’t stop myself and I’m s-so s-
sorry.” Harry’s voice broke and Louis reached out to squeeze his hand.
Jay went over and wrapped her arms around Harry’s shoulders comfortingly.
“Thank you for telling me, dear. I know you didn’t mean to hurt Louis, but both
of you need to find a way to deal with your problems between each other.” She
looked at both guilty parties. “You,” she said to Louis, “can’t keep avoiding
Harry and expecting everything to be fine again when you apologize. And Harry,”
she said, turning to the other boy. “You need to talk it out, love. I know that
you were trying to, but words hurt as we can see here and if you hadn’t called
for us as soon as you did, there could have been some serious complications
from the oxygen deprivation in Louis’ brain.”
Harry covered his face with his hands and Jay rubbed his back soothingly. Louis
gave his mother a “look what you’ve done” expression. He indicated for her to
leave them alone to talk and she nodded. She squeezed Harry’s shoulder and
walked out.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself, angel, she was right. It was as much my
fault, if not more, that we even ended up here. If I had just spoken with you,
everything could have been avoided and we would still be best mates.”
Harry looked up at Louis incredulously. His eyes may be red-rimmed, but he
still could express his disappointment easily.
“Did you think that we were ever not best mates?”
“I –”
“Louis, I know I said all of those awful things to you, but not once did I stop
being your best mate. Blimey, even if we never talked again I’d still consider
you my best mate because you know me better than anyone else, and yeah, that’s
terrifying especially in moments like this, but it’s true. I could never
replace you, Louis. Not even with Niall.”
Louis was silent, contemplating all that had just been said. He was relieved
that Harry was not “dumping him,” so-to-speak. He considered Harry his lifetime
best mate as well and was grateful that he had not ruined that relationship.
“We’ll be all right, Louis,” said Harry, squeezing his hand and Louis realized
that they had never released the other. He smiled slightly.
“I know.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
As promised, Louis was released later that evening. Harry had spent some more
time with him until Eleanor had come in hysterical and Harry quietly ducked out
saying that he would see Louis later. He decided to hang out with Niall and the
lads at Ed’s flat.
They were all playing pool when Harry felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He
took it out since he was only watching Ed and Niall and looked at the message
that he received.
Eleanor’s finally gone. I thought she would suffocate me.
Harry smirked slightly. He knew that it was mean to say, but Eleanor was clingy
as hell and he found pleasure in knowing that her clinginess got on Louis’
nerves.
He was about to write a response when another message came through.
Do you want to hang out :) xx?
Glad to hear you’re free! Haha! :) Sorry, I’m at Ed’s with the lads. I’m sure
that you can come over though if I ask. They all like you xx.
He saw the speech bubble appear meaning that Louis was responding.
It’s okay, have fun, angel. I just got a text from Liam anyways.
Harry frowned guiltily. Why was he feeling like this? It was perfectly normal
for the two of them to do separate things with other people. They would not
always be together. The thought of that made Harry incredibly sad though, so he
pushed the thought aside as another text came in.
By the way, Liam’s having a New Year’s Eve party. I meant to ask you the other
day if you wanted to come? Harry bit his lip.
I don’t know, Lou. You know that those kinds of parties – or any for that
matter – aren’t really my speed…
I just asked Liam and he said that you can bring your friends along if you
want. Why don’t you ask the lads?
I’ll think about it.
Please do, angel. I’d love for you to be there as well. I’ll even save you a
dance ;) xx. Harry chuckled lowly.
Quit being such a bloody flirt, Tomlinson. I’ll see you later xx.
Tommo the Tease OUT. Harry covered his mouth to refrain from laughing.
“Your go, H,” said Niall suddenly. Harry looked up and saw a grumpy look on his
face and he realized that Niall must have lost. He grinned teasingly.
“Aw, did wittle Ni-Ni lose?” Harry pouted, and Niall groaned.
“Never call me that again.” Harry continued to grin as Ed and Josh guffawed in
the background. He took the stick that Niall had in his hand and went up
against Ed.
“What do you lot have planned for New Year’s Eve?” he asked after several
minutes.
The three exchanged a look.
“Nothing,” they said in unison and Harry rolled his eyes.
“Louis just texted me saying that his mate Liam is throwing a party and that
the invitation has been extended to us all. Thoughts?”
“Hell yes!” cried Ed and Josh together, high-fiving. “Good going H!”
Harry just smiled weakly and continue playing against Ed. He watched as Ed
repeatedly sunk balls and after a while, he felt Niall’s chin rest on his
shoulder. He tensed slightly, but eventually relaxed into the boy.
“Do you want to go?” Niall murmured into his ear. Harry shrugged slightly.
“I wasn’t sure,” Harry admitted. “If you lot go then I guess I’ll give it a go
myself. I’m not really good in those kinds of situations and there’ll be a lot
of the people who’ve given me hell for years there.”
“We can stick together, yeah? I won’t leave your side all night.”
Harry nodded, slightly distracted as he felt Niall tracing his thumb soothingly
on his hip. He resisted the urge to moan as Niall discretely went under the
fabric of his shirt and rubbed it on his exposed skin.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Niall whispered nervously. Harry shook his
head.
“N-No, it’s okay,” replied Harry, cursing himself for allowing his voice to
track. “It’s… nice.”
He could see Niall smile slightly from his peripheral and felt his heart
flutter slightly. He was not sure what Niall’s endgame was, but he did not find
himself worried. Harry trusted Niall implicitly and knew that the boy would
never hurt him or use him.
“Your go, H,” said Ed, breaking him out of his train of thought.
He felt sad as he and Niall separated so that he could make the shot. He almost
wanted to miss on purpose so that they could return to their position, but
Niall went over to talk to Josh. He felt a little spark of envy course through
his body and his eyes widened.
Was he beginning to crush on Niall?
***
~Louis’ POV~
“Stan won’t be there, will he?” asked Louis. He and Liam were at the arcade
having pizza and playing some of the race car games. It was not the same as his
birthday where he spent time there with Harry, but he still found himself
having a good time.
“Absolutely not,” promised Liam. “I have Jake – you know, that large footie
player? – and his mate Jerome bouncing. They know him well and can’t stand him
or his mates either.”
“Good,” said Louis, turning abruptly as to avoid the wayward grandma. Liam
laughed as he crashed head on into the velociraptor. “This game is ridiculous.”
“And you suck at it.” Louis stuck his middle finger up at Liam, earning a
disapproving look from several nearby mothers. He had the decency to look away
sheepishly, but when their backs were turned, he rolled his eyes, much to
Liam’s amusement.
“Have you two even said two words since the whole –?”
“Nope and I’m not planning on it. He, Calvin and Oli were right dicks toward
Harry and that’s putting it mildly. He’s lucky I just took a swing at him.”
Liam nodded in understanding.
“You think Harry will come to the party?”
“I don't know,” replied Louis honestly. “He seemed kind of uneasy about it and
I guess I get it since he’s two years younger and half the people there have
treated him like shit at some point.”
“But if his mates come?”
“He’ll probably come if Niall does,” said Louis pensively. He watched as his
racecar fell into the water, but ignored the flashing “Game Over.” He was
preoccupied.
“Is that bad?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“You always get this weird look on your face when Niall is mentioned.” Louis
just shrugged.
“I just don't know the lad well, is all.” Liam nodded and dropped the subject.
The two moved on to different matters, but Louis knew that he had not convinced
Liam. Hell, he had not even managed to convince himself.
He had his suspicions about Niall since he found out that the boy’s sexuality
was fluid and then when he kissed Harry’s head. He did not know how Harry felt
toward the boy, but something made him uneasy. Maybe it was because Harry had
never been in any type of relationship with someone or maybe it was because he
was… jealous?
No, why would he be jealous? Especially of Niall of all people. He had heard
the boy’s background story and he pitied the boy. He could not imagine leaving
his loved ones and moving to an entirely different country where the culture
was quite different.
Still, when he pictured Harry and Niall together he felt slightly ill. Not
because they were two boys, but because it was Niall and he seemed like a great
mate, but not a great boyfriend for Harry.
Bloody hell, he did sound jealous.
***
~Harry’s POV~
“I have no idea what to wear,” Harry groaned. He and Niall were at Niall’s
place getting ready for the New Year’s Eve party. Ed and Josh would be making
their way over soon and Greg would be driving the four of them. It was much
better than the idea of Anne chauffeuring.
Harry had brought numerous options, but he had no clue what he wanted to wear.
His hair was growing longer and much to his displeasure, curlier. He was used
to managing his shorter hair, but now he was forced to use moose so that it
would be tame.
Niall, since he was already ready, began looking through Harry’s clothes. Harry
admired him from behind. He looked good, Harry had to admit. His dyed hair was
shaggy, but it gave him an adorable look and Harry just wanted to hug and kiss
all over his face.
Where did that come from?
“I know I look good H, but there’s no need to stare. A picture would last much
longer,” came Niall’s teasing voice. He was not even looking at Harry.
“H-How did you?” Harry spluttered, and Niall burst out laughing.
“I didn’t,” Niall grinned, turning around. “But it’s nice to know that you were
checking out my arse.” He slapped Harry’s easily and smirked as the boy
flushed. “Steady H, wouldn’t want to excite yourself. Too much, at least.”
“Blimey, has anyone told you that you could use a filter?”
“Consistently. Here,” he said, holding out an outfit. “Put these on.”
Niall turned around in order to give Harry some privacy and he quickly dropped
his trousers and put the jeans on. They were tighter than he was used to, but
he felt he looked pretty decent in them. He then put on the navy-blue collared
shirt. He buttoned it all the way to the top and rolled the sleeves since they
were rather long on him. Finally, he looked in the mirror.
He liked what he saw and that was a rare occurrence for him.
“What do you think?” he asked Niall timidly.
Niall turned around and his jaw dropped.
“Too much? Do you think I should dress down more, or –” Niall covered his
mouth.
“You look hot, H,” he said, bluntly and Harry turned bright red.
“Yeah?” Niall nodded, eyeing him up and down and Harry saw something unfamiliar
in the boy’s eyes. He just shook his head slightly though. He was imagining it.
As Niall ran his hands through Harry’s hair to style the growing curls, Harry
found his eyes drawn to Niall’s lips. They were not quite as thin as Louis’,
but were not quite full either. They were a soft pink though and Harry felt
himself getting antsy when he saw Niall’s tongue slip out in concentration. He
did not even notice when Niall had stopped playing with his hair and was
watching him in amusement.
“Maybe at midnight?” Harry’s head snapped up and his eyes widened.
“Have you had your first kiss, H?”
Harry shook his head shamefully, but Niall just smiled.
“It’s not a big deal,” he replied. “Though, I reckon your first kiss has a high
standard to worry about setting now so that it’s special.”
The doorbell rang so he winked and kissed Harry on the cheek before going to
answer it. Harry let out a deep breath and resisted the urge to run his hand
through his newly styled hair. The thought of kissing Niall tonight as the ball
dropped was both terrifying and sounded wonderful.
He could not decide which feeling would outweigh the other one though.
***
When they arrived, the party was already in full swing. Harry was glad that
they came slightly later though as to avoid the awkward small talk amongst
first arrivals. Harry recognized the bouncers as members of the footie team and
they seemingly recognized him once they heard his name.
“Hey, I have trig with your sister!” said the one. Harry smiled weakly. “She’s
hot!”
Harry gave him a warning look and he seemed to get the idea. They both knew
that Harry did not have a prayer against him in a fight, but the older boy
respected his protectiveness and put his hands up innocently.
“Have fun, lads. Knock a few back for us.”
“Will do,” smirked Ed, pounding fists with the other bouncer.
They entered the house and Harry could feel his anxiety levels rising. The
music was blaring and the people were already sweaty from grinding on each
other. Their drinks sloshed around and he swore he saw one couple dry humping…
no, it did not even look like they had anything on their lower halves.
“I’m going to get a drink, do you lads want anything?” shouted Josh. Ed nodded
and moved to go with him, but Niall just shook his head, noticing the shocked
look on Harry’s face.
“Maybe later,” Niall yelled back, but Ed and Josh were already gone. He turned
and Harry felt him gently put his hand on the small of his back. He indicated
to a more secluded part of the room and the two made their way over there,
keeping close so as not to get separated.
“Are you okay, H?”
“Y-Yeah,” breathed Harry once they were out of the mosh of people. “Just
couldn’t breathe for a second there, but I’m fine.”
“It’s overwhelming the first time, I was the same,” said Niall comfortingly.
“How about a drink? It might take the edge off.”
Harry was hesitant, but he nodded. Perhaps Niall was right.
“I’ll be right back!” Before he could respond, Niall disappeared into the
crowd.
Harry was now alone and petrified. He watched as people practically had sex on
the dance floor and wondered how they went to these parties all of the time. It
seemed exhausting and quite frankly, gross.
“Haz!” he heard a voice shout. He turned to see Louis with an already wasted
Eleanor. On his other side was Liam. “You remember Liam, right?”
Harry nodded and gave Liam a smile, which the older boy returned.
“Thanks for inviting us,” said Harry over the noise of the music and screams.
Liam nodded in acknowledgement and after a moment was beckoned away again.
“Did you just get here?” asked Louis, and Harry nodded. “Where are the others?”
“Ed and Josh went to get drinks a while ago and Ni and I were here and he went
to get us drinks.”
Louis nodded absentmindedly and shuffled with Eleanor to the side as Niall
returned with the drinks, as promised.
“To new beginnings!” slurred Eleanor, sloshing her drink slightly.
“I’ll drink to that,” spoke Niall, making direct eye contact with Harry.
The other three drank and Harry did the same after a moment’s hesitance. He
felt the liquid burn as it slid down his throat and cringed slightly. It was
cheap, but it helped.
“You handled that well, H,” said Niall, throwing an arm over his shoulder. “Not
bad for your first time.”
Harry smiled timidly at the boy and turned when Louis cleared his throat.
“Keep an eye on each other, yeah? And Harry, I expect that dance later,” he
smirked. Harry nodded and watched as he and Eleanor disappeared.
“What was that about?” asked Niall.
“He had said he wanted me to save him a dance,” shrugged Harry, and Niall
hummed.
“Well, you’re mine for now,” he grinned, and Harry shivered at the
possessiveness. “Care to dance?”
“Get a few more drinks in me and maybe I’ll consider it.”
***
It only took another two drinks for Harry to completely let loose. Turns out he
was a lightweight and he already felt buzzed from the drinks. He and Niall were
practically grinding crotch-to-crotch, but the boys kept enough distance to
prevent arousing any suspicion… among other things.
At around 11:30, Louis stumbled over and asked Harry to dance. Of course, Harry
obliged and Niall went to find some more drinks.
Dancing with Louis was different than with Niall. For starters, Louis held back
more and Harry felt like all eyes were on the pair of them. Everyone knew who
Louis was, but no one cared about Harry or Niall. He tried to put the thought
out of his mind, but he could see the judgmental looks from all those around
him.
“Careful you don't dance too close Tomlinson,” slurred one bloke. “You might
catch the disease.” Harry felt his blood run cold. He recognized him as one of
Stan’s mates. Not a close one, but one who took Stan’s side after the falling
out.
“What are you talking about?” Louis snapped.
“You know… the f****t disease.”
Harry stopped short and booked it out of the room. He went up the stairs,
ignoring Louis’ shouts from behind him and opened the bathroom door on the
second floor. Thankfully, it was unoccupied so he locked it and slid down to
sit on the ground.
He should have known that someone would say something underhanded toward him.
How would he ever gain the courage to tell anyone about his sexuality if this
was how he was treated when they only assumed? If they knew the truth they
would only be more brutal.
He wiped the tears that were pooling in his eyes and threatened to fall.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
“It’s occupied,” said Harry, his voice cracking.
“It’s me, H.”
Not trusting his legs, Harry shifted slightly and unlocked the door from his
sitting position. He allowed Niall to come in and then re-locked the door
behind him. Niall sat down across from him.
“Louis is hysterical downstairs, he was fuming when he told me what happened.
He tried calling after you, but I told him to deal with Eleanor and that I’d
come find you.”
“Well, here I am in all of my glory,” snorted Harry. “I’m sorry Ni, I know this
isn’t how you wanted to spend your last night of the year.”
“Don’t blame yourself, H. Blame the dick downstairs who thought it was a good
idea to shoot his mouth off in front of me and Louis.” Harry gave him a
questioning look. “Louis and I both decked him.”
Harry could not help himself – he burst out laughing and Niall laughed
alongside him. The two of them were in stitches, rolling on the ground. It was
quite a sight. Eventually, they calmed down and laid parallel to each other as
the countdown began.
“FIVE!”
Niall turned to face Harry, brushing the latter’s fringe off of his face.
“FOUR!”
Harry tried to fight the blush, but Niall just shook his head with a smile.
“THREE!”
Niall rolled over and gently climbed on top of Harry. Harry looked up at him
with wide eyes as they both positioned themselves better.
“TWO!”
Niall lowered himself, cupping Harry’s cheeks. Neither boy broke eye contact.
“ONE!”
Their lips connected as the cheers and cries of “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” resounded
around the house. Niall’s lips moved slowly against Harry’s own and Harry found
himself instinctively moving his own to the same rhythm.
There was little space between them. Niall’s crotch ghosted over his own and he
jutted up, causing Niall to moan into his mouth and arouse something inside of
him. He smirked slightly against Niall’s lips at the realization of how he was
making Niall feel.
Sooner than Harry would have liked, they separated and stared at each other
with flushed cheeks. They both waited for the other to say something.
“Happy Yew Near,” said Harry, and he nearly facepalmed himself, turning bright
red. Niall burst out laughing.
“Happy Yew Near, H,” snorted Niall, and both boys started laughing again.
Eventually, when they were through, Niall asked hesitantly, “Can I kiss you
again, H?”
Harry nodded nervously and this time, leaned up to capture Niall’s lips. They
kissed gently in the beginning and then he felt Niall’s tongue glide across his
lips. He opened his mouth wide, giving Niall better access and the two fought
for dominance.
Harry had never felt this way about anyone before and he loved the feeling of
being there with Niall even though they were in Liam’s bathroom.
Liam’s bathroom.
Eventually, he came to his senses and pulled away from Niall, who looked at him
in surprise. Harry was more out of breath than he realized so it took him a
moment to articulate what he wanted to say.
“We’re in a bathroom.” Niall laughed.
“Do you want to come back to mine for the night? Not like that!” he said when
Harry’s eyes widened. “A sleepover like we always do. We don’t have to do
anything.”
“I’d like that,” Harry smiled, and Niall stood up and extended a hand. Harry
took it and quickly pecked Niall on the lips. “I really like you too.”
“You’re such a goof, H,” snorted Niall. “But you’re cute, so it’s okay.”
Harry grinned cheekily and the pair of them shared one more kiss before walking
out of the bathroom. Once they found Ed and Josh and pried them off of their
respective midnight snogs, they called Greg and waited for their ride home.
***
“So, what does this make us?” asked Harry.
He and Niall were cuddled up under the comforter on Niall’s bed. Ed and Josh
had gone home for the night. Harry and Niall had given each other a look of
understanding and mutually agreed not to tell either boy about the two of them
until they felt it was right. They had secretly held hands the whole car ride
home, but nothing more.
“What do you want us to be?” deflected Niall, and Harry gave him a look. “This
is as new to me as it is to you, H.” Harry sighed.
“I think I’d like you to be my boyfriend,” said Harry sheepishly, and Niall
grinned.
“I’d like that too, H.” The pair exchanged a kiss again, Harry’s hand cupping
Niall’s cheek this time. He stroked it gently and the pair of them pulled
apart. “Are we telling anyone?”
“I can’t keep it from Lou,” said Harry honestly. “There’ve already been so many
things between us that it would only create issues.” Niall nodded in
understanding. “Is there anyone you want to tell?”
Niall shrugged. “I reckon I could tell Greg, but he might tell my parents and
they’ll get weird, so I think I’ll hold off on that.” Harry laughed. “Other
than that, I don't think I’m ready for the lads to know.”
“Neither am I,” agreed Harry. “Plus, I haven’t even told my mum or Gemma that
I’m gay and I don’t want them finding out by word-of-mouth.”
“Do you think that you’ll tell them? That you’re gay, I mean.”
“At some point,” Harry replied. “It’s not that I think they’ll be against it,
but I’m still nervous, you know? I don't want to go through the same walking on
eggshells as I went through with Louis.”
“I doubt that you will, but tell them whenever you’re ready.” Harry smiled. He
was so glad to have Niall in his life. He was so sweet and caring toward Harry.
“We should probably get some sleep,” said Niall eventually. Harry moved to get
up and go on his air mattress. “Stay close, tonight?”
Harry smiled cutely and nodded. He laid down and cuddled into the blond boy.
“Sure, Ni.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
Harry had texted him on the way home last night saying that Niall had found him
and they talked. Despite knowing that, Louis still worried about the boy for
the rest of the evening. He had a shit time at Liam’s party since he had to
deal with a drunk Eleanor.
Then it only got worse when that arsehole said that horrible thing about his
angel. Louis was beside himself by the time Niall had showed up, but he gained
a new respect for the boy when he knocked the lights out of the bloke.
It was now early on New Year’s Day and Louis was laying in bed with a wicked
hangover. He rolled over and groaned as he held his head. He felt like his
brain was shifting inside of his skull and he just wanted someone to knock his
lights out so that he did not have to deal with the pain.
He reached for his phone and checked for any messages from Harry. He had an
unsettling feeling like something more had happened last night, but he could
not figure it out. He knew that Harry would talk to him if something serious
had happened, but he could not shake the misgivings.
No new messages. He was about to put his phone back when it buzzed. He looked
at it, turning down the brightness.
Angel: Hey, mind if I stop over? H xx.
Sure thing Haz, just come right up :) xx.
He sent the message back to Harry and did not receive a response so he just
waited. He knew that Harry would not care how he looked and given the hangover,
he could not find it in himself to give a damn either.
About twenty minutes later there was a knock on his door.
“Come in,” Louis groaned, and Harry walked in with a smirk.
“ARE YOU TIRED?” Harry screamed, and Louis shot out of bed in alarm. He glared
at the laughing boy.
“Are you quite finished?” he snapped, and Harry raised his hands in surrender.
“Good. I’m fit to die, why aren’t you hung over? It was your first time
drinking.”
“Guess I have a decent tolerance. I also didn’t get as wasted as you,” Harry
said, rolling his eyes. Louis flipped him off and rolled over so that he faced
Harry on his side.
“So what’s going on?” Louis asked. “I reckon this isn’t a casual visit.”
Harry played with his fingers and Louis could feel himself growing nervous.
“Well, yeah I did come here to talk to you about something. I –” Louis cut him
off.
“Is it about last night? Niall and I took care of that bloke Haz, he won’t
bother you again. I’m –”
“Louis, calm down!” cried Harry. His voice softened. “Ni told me. Thank you for
doing that, but I didn't come here to discuss that idiot.” Louis chuckled
slightly.
“Like I was saying,” Harry continued, “I did come here for a reason. Erm well,
there’s no point in beating around it, really. I thought that you should know
that Ni and I kissed last night and – and we’re boyfriends.”
Louis stared at Harry and said nothing. He had not expected Harry to come out
and say that to him so easily. His mind started racing. Harry just come to the
conclusion that he was gay less than a week ago and now he was in a
relationship? It did not add up.
“So quickly?” was all Louis said, and Harry frowned.
“A simple ‘congratulations’ would have sufficed,” Harry muttered. Louis sat up,
ignoring the pain in his head as he did.
“I’m not trying to be an arsehole, Haz, but I –”
“You could’ve fooled me.” Louis pursed his lips.
“I’m just worried that you’re moving too fast,” finished Louis, and Harry gave
him a petulant look.
“You don't need to worry about me, I know what I’m doing. I’ve known Ni for a
while now and I wouldn’t be jumping into anything that I wasn’t ready for.”
“Are you sure that you – that you’re not…?”
“That I’m not what?” said Harry with a warning expression. “Proceed with
caution, Louis.” Louis gave him a look.
“Are you sure that you’re not just settling because you’re trying to convince
yourself that you need to fulfill a certain role?”
Harry was silent and stared at him. He did not say anything for several moments
and it was starting to make Louis uneasy.
“Kind of like what you did when you started dating Eleanor?”
Louis’ jaw dropped. He could not believe what Harry had just said.
“Are you fucking with me?”
“Give me a break, Louis. You can’t honestly tell me that you’re happy with
her.”
“And you’re happy with Niall?” countered Louis, avoiding the question. That was
all Harry needed to hear.
“Yes I am,” growled Harry. “Louis, I want you to be happy more than anything
else, but just because you’re not does not give you the right to try and
question my own happiness! I know I just realized that I like boys and I know
that I’ve never been in a relationship before and yeah – there are a lot of
risks, but they are worth it.”
Louis had nothing to say. His mind was spinning with Harry’s proclamation and
the fact that he was speaking so confidently about something he had no idea
about. Since when did he talk that way to Louis? He used to be so calm and
recently he had gotten so… hard.
“You’re changing,” said Louis quietly, and Harry shook his head sadly.
“No, Louis. I’m just growing and realizing that I can’t let people keep pulling
me down.” He stood up abruptly.
“Is that what I am to you, then?” asked Louis, standing up as well. He was
still taller than Harry. The room was spinning slightly, but he steadied
himself on the night table. “Someone who’s holding you back? Because if I’m
such an inconvenience, please feel free to cut me loose. Oh, bad choice of
words?”
Louis regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Without warning,
Harry swung back and punched him directly in the eye. He fell back onto his bed
stunned.
“Don’t you ever speak to me like that again, Louis William Tomlinson,” said
Harry, his eyes flashing with rage. “Don't you ever fucking think that you can
speak to me like that. In fact, don't think that you can speak to me ever.”
“Harry, I –”
“Goodbye, Louis.” Harry left the room without another word and Louis collapsed
in on himself.
He had really done it this time.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry could not even find it in himself to be sad about walking out of Louis’
room like that. He pretty much ended their friendship in that moment, but all
he felt was anger. He wanted to talk to Niall, but he knew that he was out for
the day with his brother and he did not want to disturb that for him.
He decided to go on a walk to clear his mind. A walk always did him good. He
walked in an aggravated manner down the street causing people to give him room.
He ignored them though. Nothing mattered to him beyond how furious and betrayed
he felt.
Harry did not even realize where he was going until he looked up and froze. He
was back on the playground where he and Louis used to spend all of their time.
He hated thinking about those brilliant times that they spent together,
especially Louis’ recent birthday. Blimey, it felt so long ago when in reality
it was only a little over a week ago.
He abruptly turned on his heel and kept walking. He did not want to relive the
memories that were making it too hard to stay angry and not break down crying.
He was sick of crying and he just wanted to be enraged without any side
emotions.
Harry spent the entire day walking around to nowhere in particular. It was
getting cold and he regretted that he did not bring a sweater with him. He
wrapped his arms around himself and jumped when he heard a honk. He turned his
head and squinted through the person’s headlights.
“Harry, what are you doing out here?”
It was Liam.
Harry did not want to respond to him. Liam may be a decent bloke, but he was
also Louis’ friend and he did not want anything to do with Louis at the moment
or perhaps anymore. The jab was below the belt and Harry was tired of forgiving
him.
“Get in,” sighed Liam, and Harry shook his head. “Harry, I’m not leaving until
you get in. It’s nearly 10pm and you’re 7 miles away from your house.”
That shocked Harry because one, he was not even a little bit hungry and he had
not eaten since that morning, but also, he did not realize that he had walked
that far.
He saw that Liam was still waiting and sighed. He opened the car door and sat
down, holding his hands up to the fan that was blowing out the heat. Liam
turned it up for him and took off his coat. Harry shook his head.
“Don’t be a hero, you need it more than I do.”
Harry rolled his eyes, but gratefully took the coat and slipped it on. He
looked ridiculous, the sleeves going far past his wrists, but Liam kept any
cracks to himself.
As they made their way back to Harry’s house, they sat in silence. He could
hear Liam tapping the wheel impatiently and could practically hear the wheels
in the older boy’s mind turning.
“Just spit it out,” snapped Harry, and Liam gave him a surprised side-look.
“You’re different,” was all he said, and Harry snorted.
“So I’ve been told.”
“I mean it though. I know we’ve only met a handful of times, but you’re not
like the person that Louis described.”
“Don’t say his name to me.”
Liam fell silent and all they could hear was the sound of the bumpy roads.
Eventually, they made it to Harry’s house and he gave Liam back the coat.
“Thanks for the coat… and for the ride. You’re not bad, Liam.”
“Harry, wait,” said Liam as Harry went to get out. Harry turned to face him.
“Yeah?” he said impatiently.
“I don’t know what happened, and I know that it’s none of my business, but if
you ever need someone to talk to… well, I’ve been told that I’m a pretty decent
listener.”
Harry stared at Liam for a prolonged amount of time. Silently, he took out his
phone and extended it to Liam. The boy took it hastily and programmed in his
number.
“Thanks.” That was the last thing that Harry said before he closed the door and
walked up to his house. He did not bother looking back at Liam as he walked in.
“Where the hell have you been?” cried Anne, and Harry froze midway through
closing the door. He closed it gently. “Well? Are you going to answer me?”
“I was out,” said Harry lowly. Anne’s eyes bulged out of her head.
“I haven’t seen you the entire day and all you have to say for yourself it that
you were out?”
“Well… yeah, that about covers it.” Anne’s eyes flashed.
“Don’t speak to me like that, young man. Go to the kitchen.”
“Why –?”
“I may be furious with you, but I’m no fool. I can tell you haven’t eaten all
day and I’m not having you go to bed on an empty stomach. Kitchen. Now.”
Harry trudged into the kitchen and sat down at the table. His mother began
preparing some soup and chicken for him. He wanted to argue that he was not
even that hungry, but he figured that it would only rile her up more.
They did not speak the entire time that she was cooking. Even as she slammed it
down in front of him and poured him a glass of water, she was silent. Harry
could feel her anger radiating off of her, but ate silently. She finally sat
down across from him.
“What happened to my baby boy?”
Harry looked up from the soup that he was blowing on and placed the spoon back
into his bowl. He entwined his fingers and placed them in front of him.
“He grew up.”
“He never used to speak to me like this.” Harry averted his gaze.
“I’m sorry, mum.” She just shook her head.
“It’s not just that. You never used to keep things from me, Harry. When you
were upset you would come to me to talk and fix it. You know you can talk to me
always.”
“There are some things that you can’t fix, mum.”
“I’m your mother, you’d be surprised at what powers a mother has when her baby
is hurt or upset.”
Harry did not say anything so she took that as her cue to continue.
“I’ve noticed you changing over the past couple of years, honey. At first I
thought you were just going through normal pre-teenager hormonal changes, but I
started getting worried. I know that I should have done more, but I was afraid
that if I pried, you would push me away more and I can’t stand the idea of you
resenting me.”
“I could never resent you, mum,” mumbled Harry. Anne just shook her head.
“Tell me the truth, Harry.” She glanced down at his arms. Harry swallowed and
when she looked up at him again he nodded slowly. Her eyes welled up with tears
and she dug her palms into her eyes.
“I failed you, sweetheart.”
“You didn't fail me, mum. I haven’t done anything in ages and I wouldn’t have
stopped just because you took the blades away. I would have found other ways.”
“I could have gotten you help…”
“Mum,” said Harry, grabbing her wrists gently and taking them off of her eyes.
“Blaming yourself is only making me feel worse about it. I promise, if it comes
to it again, I will be the first one finding a therapist.”
“D-Did anyone else know?” Harry bit his lip anxiously. “Harry, who knew?”
“W-Well, it started off just…” he trailed off. Saying his name would only cause
the rage to build up further in him. His mother understood though.
“Louis,” she said matter-of-factly. “‘Started off?’”
“Yeah, well erm… I told Niall and Gemma accidentally walked in and saw them.”
Anne sighed, running a hand over her face. She would talk to her daughter
later.
“Don’t be mad at Gem, mum. I begged her not to tell you or dad, I couldn't bear
the thought of either of you knowing.”
Anne nodded, but she continued to scrutinize him. Harry shifted under her gaze.
“You’re not being straight with me, Harry.” He squirmed more at the expression.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Please don't get upset mum.”
“I’ll decide how I react, honey. Tell it to me fully.”
“One of the upperclassmen… told the entire school.”
Anne gasped, her hand flying to her mouth in shock. She tried to fathom all
that was being told to her, but she was out of her realm of comprehension here.
How could she have missed all of this and how could anyone be so cruel, let
alone to her baby boy?
“Who?” she asked more harshly than intended.
“Mum –”
“Harry, I want to know who so that I can address it!”
“Mum, it was four years ago!”
Silence filled the kitchen.
“Four… four years ago,” said Anne weakly. “You’ve been in pain for that long
and you never… I never…”
“I haven’t been completely alone throughout it all.”
“Louis helped you?”
“He told the bloke off and took a swing at him. They were mates, but he told
him never to come near me again and he hasn’t since.”
Harry kicked the leg of his chair with his heel. He did not want to talk about
Louis right now, but he held a large role in the story and most of Harry’s
life.
“He’s always been by your side,” said Anne, but she noticed Harry’s disgruntled
expression. She sighed. “What’s going on between the two of you now?”
“I don't want to see him anymore, mum.”
“Why on earth not?”
Harry groaned, realizing that he was opening an entirely different can of
worms.
“It’s complicated, mum.”
“It’s a good thing that you’ve got plenty of food left and I’ve got plenty of
time.”
Harry gave her a deadpan expression.
“This isn’t really a casual ‘let’s talk over dinner’ conversation.”
“Harry, please let me help you.”
“I’m fourteen-years-old, mum. I can take care of myself.”
“And I’m your mother and it’s my job to take care of you no matter how old you
are or how little you think that you need me.”
Harry threw his fork down on his plate. He was fed up with everything.
“Fine. You want the unabridged version? Let’s have at it. I realized that I’m
gay, mum. I’m fucking gay and it was the most terrifying realization of my
life. Louis was the first person that I told and he insisted that nothing would
change, but it did. He started avoiding me and dodging my calls saying that he
was busy, but it was because he couldn’t get his head out of his own arse and
realize that yeah, maybe he was nervous and felt that he had to walk on
eggshells around me so that he wouldn’t say the wrong thing, but I was just as
afraid around everyone else. It fucking sucked, mum and I never felt so
worthless in my life, but he finally came to his senses. He came over and I
told him off and that is why he ended up in that bloody hospital. I ripped him
a new one and he panicked thinking that he had lost me for good when he hadn’t
even done his worst yet.”
“No, that came this morning. When I went to that stupid New Year’s Eve party
with the lads last night, Louis and I were dancing and some upperclassman
arsehole made some homophobic remark. Louis and Niall ended up putting him in
his place, but it was only after Ni found me that I was okay again. We kissed
last night mum and we decided to start a relationship. I told Niall that I was
going to tell Louis this morning because after everything we’ve been through,
lying by omission only made everything worse. Well, I did and of course, he
spoke out of his arse again. Even after I told him that I was fully aware of
the risks and that I was new to relationships but that I trusted Niall, he
still doubted me. He claimed that he was concerned, but it was a load of
horseshit. He said to me…” Harry’s voice cracked. “He started twisting my words
saying that if I didn't want him to ‘hold me back’ that I should ‘cut him
loose’ and then mockingly asked if that was a bad choice of words.”
“I punched him, mum. I know you said never to resort to violence, but I just
lost it. I told him that I never wanted him to talk to me like that ever again
and I left. I’m pretty sure I walked out on our friendship mum, but I can’t
keep doing this to myself. Everyone keeps telling me that I’m changing, but I
don't think I am, mum. I think that I’m finally just trying to be myself and
not some scared little boy who’s afraid of how others see him. I don't want to
hurt anyone by doing it, but I’m not going to sit back and let him keep hurting
me just because he regrets it afterwards and tells me that he’s sorry. It’s not
right.”
Harry was full on hysterical now and his food was ice cold. Anne immediately
got up and took him in her arms. She led him to the couch where they sat down
together, his head in her lap like they used to when he was small. He did not
hold back his sobs. On some level, it felt good to be crying to his mother
because he was so used to hiding his tears. It would have been liberating if he
did not feel so awful.
When he finally began to calm down, Anne spoke in a soothing voice to him.
“Darling, I want you to know first and foremost that regardless of who you
fancy or how you identify, I would never judge you. I would hate for you to
ever be concerned otherwise.”
Harry let out a breath and smiled weakly up at Anne.
“I also know how much you and Louis care for each other. I’m not saying that
you should run to him with open arms, but I wouldn’t want to see that
friendship end because you pushed him away without giving him another chance.”
“I’ve given him so many chances, mum.”
“I know sweetie, but people make mistakes and they will continue to make
mistakes throughout their lives. Once you realize that, you’ll also realize
that not all things that break are meant to be thrown away. Some things are
worth fixing.”
“I’m just so mad still…” Anne nodded understandingly.
“You have every right to be. What he said to you was inexcusable and between
you and me… I’m glad you knocked a bit of sense into him.” Harry’s eyes widened
in shock. “I love Louis, but sometimes that boy speaks without a filter. Don’t
mistake me though – if you ever lay a hand on someone who’s not physically
attacking you again, you’ll have to answer to me.”
Harry nodded and smiled at his mum, which Anne returned.
“I love you, darling. Thank you for talking to me.”
“I love you too mum.” He sat up and hugged her tightly, trying to convey his
gratefulness through the hug. She seemed to receive the message because she
patted his back in understanding.
“Let’s go to bed,” she said finally. “It’s been a long day and I want to be
awake in the morning so that you can tell me more about how you and your
boyfriend got together.”
“Mum,” Harry groaned, covering his face, and Anne just laughed.
***
~Louis’ POV~
Louis was in a daze for the rest of the holiday. He hardly left his room beyond
using the bathroom and when he ate, he refused to speak to his mother. He did
not have the right to speak anymore. After all that he had said to Harry, the
right should have been taken away ages ago.
Eleanor and Liam both tried reaching out to him, but he was ignoring them as
well. He knew that both of them were concerned, but it was inconsequential. The
only person that could help him had walked out of his life for what seemed like
good.
He did not have the audacity to reach out to Harry after that morning. Even if
he did, he had no idea what he would say. He could not apologize – that ship
had sailed a long time ago. No, he had royally screwed up and there was no
coming back from that.
Classes began again only a few days after the incident and when Louis walked in
the door, all eyes were trained on him. He knew why – he had a huge black-eye
where Harry took a swing at him. He could not be bothered to cover it up though
despite his mum insisting that she use some of her concealer. He deserved the
pain and the humiliation and he was going to get it.
“What happened Tomlinson? Walk into a door?” snickered a member of the footie
team.
He ignored him and kept walking toward his first class.
“I heard that he got in a bar fight,” whispered one of the girls, eyeing him
up. She and her friends all kept whispering and trying to get his attention.
“Just ignore them, Louis,” said Liam bracingly, coming up from behind him.
Eleanor was there as well and she put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“Sweetheart, what happened?” she asked, and Louis had to resist the urge to
roll his eyes. It sounded like she was close to having a breakdown over the
bruise.
He did not respond to either of them and they settled for walking a short
distance behind him, whispering amongst each other.
“Hey Tomlinson, looks like the f****t Styles finally left his mark.”
Louis’ head turned in the direction of the voice and saw the same arsehole that
had insulted Harry that night. Something inside of him snapped.
Louis charged at him and slammed him up against the locker.
“Shut up! SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” he screamed, his face turning red.
Despite the boy being older, he looked positively petrified of Louis. It was
not a pretty sight when Louis got angry at someone.
He felt Liam’s arms on him, pulling him off and could see a crowd had gathered
to see what was the commotion. He pulled away from Liam and straightened his
bag.
“You say another word about him. I dare you and surgery to rearrange your face
will be the least of your concerns.” He moved to turn and walk away when he
froze.
“It’s a pity, Tomlinson. You were pretty cool until you turned into a f**
yourself.”
No one was fast enough to grab him. Louis dropped his bag, turned on his heel
and punched the bloke straight in the nose. He was sure that he heard a crunch
and his knuckles were smarting enough to realize that he had probably broken
the bloke’s nose.
He continued to punch and kick and scratch at the other boy. He refused to let
go of him until finally, four different sets of hands pulled him off of the
nearly unconscious boy. He turned and saw that they belonged to Liam, Niall,
Josh and Ed.
Louis looked around and saw Harry standing off to the side expressionless. He
tried to open his mouth to say something – anything – but Harry just pushed his
way through the crowd and walked away. Louis groaned and ran a hand through his
hair.
“Tomlinson. Office. Now.” He turned and saw Headmaster Cowell standing there.
He picked up his bag gruffly and slung it over his shoulder as the headmaster
instructed two of the bloke’s friends to bring him to the infirmary. Louis
walked ahead of the man and walked into his office, sitting down.
When the headmaster finally walked in, he fixed Louis with a severe look.
“Violence is not tolerated at Academy, Mr. Tomlinson.”
“Is homophobia, sir?” Headmaster Cowell raised an eyebrow.
“Explain yourself.”
“That – arsehole,” he ignored the headmaster’s disapproving look, “called Harry
Styles a gay slur. He kept saying it and said that he ‘gave the disease’ to me
and I snapped. I’m sorry if you think that I shouldn’t have taken a swing, but
I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Harry’s been targeted enough as it is, if I
could get one of them to leave him alone then whatever punishment I get is
worth it.”
Headmaster Cowell pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
“Mr. Khan will be dealt with accordingly. As for now, you will still be
disciplined for your actions. I can appreciate your motives, but violence is
still strictly frowned upon.”
“You’ll have two weeks worth of detention every day after school with Ms.
Teasdale. You will report to room 201 after the final bell and stay for as long
as we deem appropriate. Do you understand?”
Louis nodded. He knew that he had gotten off easy. He had expected suspension,
or at the very least, a month’s suspension. He knew that homophobia was
typically frowned upon in the school as well, but they hardly did anything to
monitor its presence.
“You’re free to go to your first class. Take this.”
He handed Louis a slip that had his signature already on it. He accepted it and
after nodding one final time, left the office to go to maths.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Everyone was talking about Louis for the rest of the day and seemed to have
figured out that Harry was the one who gave him the black-eye. While some
people looked at him differently because they never expected to see anything
other than the timid side of him, others continued to give him dirty looks.
Louis, for the most part, was well-liked around the school and anyone who went
after him was not going to be popular.
“Just ignore them,” said Niall, squeezing his leg comfortingly. “They don't
know shit, they’re just listening to rumors.”
“Rumors that are true,” muttered Harry, and Niall gave him a look.
“What he said warranted a reaction, H. Personally, I would’ve gone for the gut,
but that’s just personal preference.” Harry knew that he was trying to lighten
the mood, but he was not having it. He felt like their table was in the center
of the universe even though they were in the back corner of the dining hall.
“Why the hell would he go after that bloke again though?” Niall pondered aloud.
They had not been there for the encounter. They only arrived when Louis was
already laying into him. Harry just shrugged.
“I stopped trying to understand Louis a long time ago.”
As if he was summoned, Louis chose that moment to walk in with his mates and
Eleanor. The dining hall noise dropped immediately and everyone stared at him.
Louis gave everyone a petulant look.
“Sod off,” he said to the dining hall as a whole.
Harry looked down, rolling his eyes. Yeah, that was Louis. Always acting
defensive and speaking without realizing how much of an arsehole he sounded
like.
When he glanced back up, his heart nearly gave out there. He made direct eye-
contact with him from across the room. The sadness in Louis’ eyes pained him,
but he refused to feel bad for the boy. He got himself in the position he was
currently in and none of it was Harry’s responsibility. He had tried to be
honest and tell him what was going on in his life and Louis just threw it back
in his face, along with his former illness, like they were nothing and he was
nothing.
He looked away and when he chanced a glance back, Louis had disappeared on the
line to get his lunch. Harry wished that it was like the old days when they had
separate lunches. They had started sitting together more as the year
progressed, but now that was undoubtedly not going to happen. Louis would sit
with his own friends, and Harry with the lads.
Harry tensed when he saw Louis and his gang sit down only a few tables away
from them and Niall noticed. He looked down as he felt Niall discretely take
hold of his hand under the table. He looked at the boy to see that he was still
focusing on his food, but with a tiny, almost unrecognizable smile. Harry
looked down and felt himself smiling as well. He gave Niall’s hand a squeeze
and had the favor returned. Knowing that Niall was beside him always helped.
“Thank you,” Harry whispered so that only Niall could hear. The boy squeezed
his hand again in acknowledgment.
“Want to rile him up?” Niall whispered under his breath. Harry furrowed his
eyebrows in confusion.
“What do you –?” He froze when he felt Niall reach out and touch his fringe.
“Your hair is all over the place H, did you comb it in the dark this morning?”
Harry saw Niall wink covertly and knew that he did not really think so. He was
putting on a show though and Harry was not sure how he felt about it.
“What are you doing, Ni?” hissed Harry as Niall continued to play with the
fringe.
“It’s working,” was all that Niall said under his breath.
Harry turned his head slightly, mostly looking out of his peripheral and saw
Louis’ fist clenching and unclenching under the table. He had a murderous
expression on his face and Harry was sure that he was about to blow a fuse.
“Knock it off before he knocks you out like the other bloke.”
“Do I look like I couldn't handle myself in a fight with him?” asked Niall
offended. Harry just scoffed.
“I’d rather it not come to that. You’d probably both knock each others lights
out.”
Niall seemed slightly disgruntled by Harry’s words, but he listened and gave it
a rest. They still kept their hands entwined though and by the look on Louis’
face and the direction of his gaze, he could see them under the table.
Harry raised an eyebrow at Louis and the older boy just shook his head and
focused back on what Eleanor was going on about. Harry could tell that he was
not listening to her because he had a far off look in his eyes.
The rest of lunch went by unbearably slowly. Finally, when it was time go get
going to their next class, Harry and Niall let go of their hands and made their
way with the others to dispose of their rubbish. As he went to put his tray on
the counter, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Spinning around, he came face-to-
face with Louis.
“I thought that I told you to stay away from me,” he hissed.
“Please, can we talk?” pleaded Louis. Harry shook his head. “Just five minutes
Haz, that’s all that I need.”
Harry exchanged a look with Niall. The latter boy did not look pleased.
“Do what you think is best, H. I’m not going to tell you who to speak to.”
Harry sighed and turned back to Louis, who wore a hopeful expression. Harry
tilted his head to the side, indicating for Louis to lead the way. He took off
and Harry followed him, making their way down the stairs to the less occupied
end of the school.
Finally, they reached one of the older, abandoned classrooms and walked inside.
“Five minutes,” said Harry, and Louis immediately jumped in.
“I just had to explain this morning, angel –”
“Harry.”
“H-Harry,” faltered Louis. “Right, sorry. The whole school was trying to figure
out what happened to my eye and that idiot started calling you those awful
names and I just lost it. I know that I acted like a right prat, but I couldn’t
stand listening to him say those hateful things, let alone toward you.
Especially…” he trailed off.
“Because they’re true?” said Harry, emitting a sarcastic laugh. Louis shook his
head quickly.
“No! Harry, whether you were gay or not, those things he said were still both
horrible and untrue. He had no right to say them, especially when you weren’t
even there to defend yourself.”
“That’s funny, I could’ve sworn you had taken on the role of my keeper.”
Louis ran a hand over his face in frustration.
“All I’m trying to say is, there was a reason for what I did. I just wanted you
to know that.”
Harry crossed his arms and gave Louis an unimpressed look.
“As noble as it was for you to defend my honour, nothing has changed, Louis.”
“What do you –?”
“You think that you can beat up some guy for saying nasty things that I’ve
heard my whole life and that it will suddenly make it all better? You crossed
one too many lines, Louis and your dig at my history of cutting was the
breaking point.”
“Harry, I’m sor –”
“You throw that expression around like it’ll mean something, Louis!” Harry
cried, infuriated. “It lost its meaning when you kept hurting me time and time
again.”
“What can I do to fix this? To fix us?” whispered Louis, and Harry sighed
again.
“I don't know,” he replied honestly. “I truly don't know because I’m not sure
that I can forgive you this time.”
“Harry –”
“I already told you, Louis, it’s always been you. You’ve always been the one
with the power to pick me up or break me down. I can’t keep giving you that
power when you abuse it every time.”
“It’s not like I do it knowingly! You know that I don't think before I speak,
Harry.”
“Trust me, I know.” Harry looked at his watch. It was already ten minutes past
the warning bell. He turned on his heel so that he could go and not be any
later for class.
“Harry, wait!” Harry turned around to face Louis. “I will win you back.”
Harry just turned around again and walked out of the room.
***
~Louis’ POV~
Louis did not go to classes for the rest of the day. He knew that there would
be hell to pay if his mum found out, but he could not find it in himself to
care. He had more important things on his mind. The first one being, how would
he get Harry back?
He nearly blew up at Eleanor when she told him that it was not worth it.
-Flashback-
“What the hell do you mean ‘it’s not worth it?’” he asked her, seething.
“You spend half of your time trying to make him like you again Louis. Don't you
see that if he doesn't want to be your friend that he doesn't deserve you?”
“I’m the one who doesn't deserve him,” he said through clenched teeth. “Not the
other way around.”
“He’s always pushing you away. Maybe this time you should let him, you’re
obviously better off –”
“Harry’s my best mate,” said Louis flatly. “I would never be better off without
him in my life and don't you ever suggest that to me again.”
She frowned at him and he sighed.
“Look, I’m sorry. I’m just on edge and I don't need anyone telling me that it’s
unfounded. I fucked up and I need to make things right. Even – Even if we can’t
be friends again, I can’t stand the thought of Harry angry with me.”
“You’re such a good person, Lou-Lou,” she crooned, her hands sliding down his
chest.
He bit his tongue so that he would not say anything nasty. He hated that
nickname.
“El, we’re in public,” Louis hissed. She smiled flirtatiously up at him.
“We could fix that,” she suggested, a twinkle in her eye. “Do you have a
rubber?”
Louis’ eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.
“We’re in school!”
“Better make it quick then, eh?”
-End Flashback-
They had ended up sneaking back down to the room that he and Harry had been in
and all Louis could think about the whole time he and Eleanor were getting off
was the look on Harry’s face when he left. When they both finally came, he had
left her in a hurry.
Now, he was sitting on the playground swing that he used to push Harry on. He
watched as young children ran around chasing each other and felt envious of
them. Their lives were uncomplicated and untarnished. He had ruined the only
good thing in his life.
Louis knew that he was probably being dramatic, but he did not care. He felt
his eyes well up with tears at the thought of never spending time at the
playground anymore.
“Are you okay, mister?” asked a voice from below him.
Louis looked down and saw a young girl with blonde pigtails looking up at him.
She had big, doe eyes that were nearly the same shade of green as Harry’s. He
smiled tightly at her.
“Not really,” he answered honestly. “Would you like my swing?”
The girl shook her head and sat down cross-legged on the ground. She stared up
at him in a calculating way and he found himself having a hard time maintaining
eye contact. Her eyes were too painful to look at given their resemblance to
Harry’s.
“Why are you sad?” she prodded.
“How old are you?” Louis asked, avoiding her question.
“Five and a half.”
“Well, I think my problem may be a bit too complex.” The girl crossed her arms.
“Mummy and teacher say that I’m very smart for my age.”
“Do they?” he said, a smile threatening to overtake his lips. She nodded
vigorously.
“Yes. Yes they do.” He laughed. “Why are you sad?” she repeated, and he sighed.
“I lost my friend, Harry,” he mumbled, and she looked sad all of a sudden.
“I lost my daddy.” Louis’ head whipped up. “Is your friend in Heaven too?”
Louis’ heart nearly broke for the girl. He shook his head, a lump in his
throat.
“I’m sorry about your dad. I never knew mine.”
“I remember him a little,” the girl said quietly. “He was tall and wore a
uniform with shiny things and ribbons on it.”
Louis tried swallowing the lump in his throat. He wished that she would stop
talking about her father to him, but he did not have the heart to get up and
leave her.
“I miss him,” the girl whispered. Louis got up and crouched down next to her.
“I’m sure he’s watching you, you know. From Heaven.” The girl nodded.
“I hope so.”
“Annabelle? Annabelle, there you are!”
“I’m here, mummy!” cried the girl, jumping up and running to her mother. Louis
stood up as well as the mother noticed him for the first time.
“I hope she didn’t bother you, hon. She has a tendency to just run off and talk
to strangers.” Louis shook his head.
“No, it wasn’t a problem. She was lovely to talk to… I needed someone to give
me some perspective, anyways.” He crouched down so that was eye-level with her.
“It was lovely to meet you, Annabelle.” She smiled.
“It was nice to meet you too…”
“Louis,” he finished for her. He outstretched his hand and she took it in her
tiny hand and shook it.
“Bye Louis!” she called out as she walked away with her mother. “I hope you
find your Harry.”
Louis’ heart clenched at her words and he nodded after her. Even though she was
out of earshot, he replied:
“I hope so too.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry and Niall had been spending more time together in the passing weeks. Even
though he loved spending time with the Irish boy, he had to admit that he
missed Louis. Spending time with anyone else was not the same and he would be
lying if he said that him calling it quits on their friendship did not take a
part of his heart and soul away.
Niall could see that as well, so he tried his best to make Harry happy and
distracted whenever they were together. Harry felt bad about it because he was
already a lousy boyfriend and he had hardly become one. For that reason, he
decided to do something special for Niall.
“Tell me what it is, H!” pleaded Niall. “You know that I can’t stand
surprises.”
The pair was lying on Niall’s bed in his room. Harry cleared his throat
nervously.
“You’ve been so good to me, Ni,” said Harry nervously, “and I know that I
haven’t been easy, but I wanted to do something that I thought you’d like.
Well, I think you’ll like it since you’ve been asking for it since the
beginning…”
Niall fixed him with a quizzical look, so Harry clarified.
“I erm… well, I recorded you a s-song that I wrote myself.” Niall’s eyes bulged
with excitement.
“Really?” he squealed. Squealed. He then flushed bright red as Harry kissed his
cheek cutely. Niall could really and truly be the most adorable person on the
planet.
“Yes, really,” Harry laughed. He got up and went to Niall’s speakers. He put
the disc in hastily and after a deep breath, returned to Niall’s embrace on the
bed and hit the play button on the remote.
I think I'm gonna lose my mind,
Something deep inside me, I can't give up,
I think I'm gonna lose my mind,
I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck, yeah,
I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck,
I'm feeling something deep inside,
Hotter than a jet stream burning up,
I got a feeling deep inside,
It's taking, it's taking all I got, yeah,
It's taking, it's taking all I got.
'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do,
And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do,
It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe you are fireproof,
'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do.
I think I'm gonna win this time,
Riding on the wind and I won't give up,
I think I'm gonna win this time,
I roll and I roll, 'til I change my luck, yeah,
I roll and I roll, 'til I change my luck,
'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do,
And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do,
It's been so long, it's been so long, you must be fireproof,
'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do,
'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do,
And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do,
It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe you were fireproof,
'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do.
Harry and Niall both sat in silence. Harry was chewing on his bottom lip
nervously when he felt Niall’s finger reach under his chin and lift his gaze.
“I love it, H.”
“R-Really?”
“Really.” Niall closed the space between them. They moved their lips together
in sync. Harry rolled over so that he hovered over Niall. Eventually, he
decided to be bold and began peppering kisses down Niall’s neck. The Irish lad
let out a throaty moan.
“Blimey, H.”
Harry had to resist the urge to moan loudly as Niall thrust up and grinded
their clothed hard-ons together. Both of them knew that Greg was in the flat,
but they did not care. Harry teasingly played with the hem of Niall’s shirt and
moved to lift it up when Niall hesitated.
“W-Wait.” Harry shot him a baffled look. “H, this is new to both of us. Are you
sure that you want to keep going? It’ll only be harder to stop and I don't want
to do anything that we’ll both regret later.”
Harry rolled off of him again and lay next to him. Reality sunk in. He was
really about to go for it without even thinking about what that could mean and
it terrified him.
“I’m not saying that I don't want to eventually, H,” Niall murmured, running
his hand through Harry’s hair. “We just need to make sure that we’re on the
same page though, you know?”
Harry nodded absentmindedly and then kissed Niall’s forehead.
“You’re the best boyfriend, you know that, right?” Harry said to him with a
smile.
Niall grinned cheekily.
“It’s a gift.”
***
Harry got a text from his mum earlier telling him that he needed to get home
for dinner. Seeing as it was a nice afternoon and Niall’s house was not too far
from his own, he decided to walk the way back.
His hands were in his pockets as he strolled and he thought back on the
afternoon. He almost kept going with Niall and he had no idea what would have
happened if Niall had not hit the breaks. Would he have lost his virginity? The
thought alone scared Harry. He most definitely was not ready for the next step,
especially only a couple of weeks into his first relationship. No, he had to
think with his brain next time.
Next time. Harry smiled at the thought. Even though the act scared Harry, he
was not scared of doing it with Niall. He felt safe around the boy and
protected. Niall was always there when he needed him and he always made sure
that they were on the same page. It was more than he could say for Louis.
Why was Harry even comparing the two? Niall was his boyfriend and Louis was a
former mate – nothing more. To compare the two was to compare apples with
oranges.
About half an hour later, he arrived home and texted Niall that he did as he
promised. He opened the door, still looking down at his phone when he heard
voices.
“Mum, I’m –”
He froze in his tracks. Sitting at the dining room table were Louis and Jay.
Harry’s face hardened at the sight. He could tell that Louis was sad by his
reaction, but he could care less. He was more concerned about why his mother
thought that having the Tomlinson’s over was okay. He bore Jay no ill will, but
her son on the other hand…
Anne seemed to realize what was going through his head, and quickly pulled him
aside into the den. He crossed his arms at her and she hastily explained.
“I thought that we could have a nice dinner together, darling,” she whispered.
“I know that you and Louis are going through a rough time –”
“We aren’t mates,” said Harry bluntly. Now it was Anne’s turn to cross her
arms.
“Harry Edward Styles, you have been friends with that boy far too long to throw
that away.”
“How can you honestly stand there and say that to me after I told you all that
he’s done to me? I trusted you; mum and you took that and put me in this
position. If I leave, I’ll look like an arsehole, but if I don't I have to sit
next to him and suffer for the night!”
Harry was aware that his voice was steadily rising and he knew based on the
silence in the other room that they could hear their entire conversation.
“It’s just dinner, Harry. You’re fourteen-years-old – you can be civil, can you
not?” Anne gave him a warning look.
Without saying another word, he marched into the kitchen, ignoring the people
at the table and washed his hands. He could feel his eyes burning with tears,
but blinked them away. He would not give any of them the satisfaction of seeing
him like that again.
When he sat down, of course next to Louis, he was silent. He did not speak for
the entire dinner, except when spoken to. Louis tried timidly to start a
conversation with him several times, but after a while he gave up when Harry
did not bite.
Harry knew that his mum was aggravated with him, but he could not care less.
She had no right to make him feel so awful in his own home. It was as if he was
being tag-teamed by his own teammates who had joined the opposing side. He
hated the feeling.
He was putting some soup on his spoon, trying to calm his racing heart when he
heard his voice again.
“Please talk to me, angel,” Louis whispered. Harry gritted his teeth.
“I told you,” he hissed, “to not call me that anymore.”
“Please –” He reached under the table to grab Harry’s hand and Harry dropped
his spoon at the contact. His heart was pounding and he felt like he was going
to pass out.
All eyes turned on him in concern.
“Harry, what’s –?” Anne began, but he did not give her a chance to finish.
He pushed his chair back abruptly, making it topple over, and ran up the
stairs. He could feel his blood pounding in his ears and he was never more
aware of his body than in that moment. He felt like he was going to lose it
right there, but thankfully he made it to his bathroom. He hurried over to the
toilet and emptied the contents of his stomach into it. Eventually, after
everything was gone, he curled in on himself.
He could not stop the tears anymore. However, the crying that he was doing now
was more terrifying than any type of crying that he had done before. He was
completely silent, his body convulsing with grief as he lay on the cool,
linoleum tiles.
***
~Gemma’s POV~ (Surprise!)
Gemma watched as her younger brother ran up the stairs in a hurry. She put her
fork down anxiously. She was not sure what Harry was planning on doing, but she
could feel her heart racing in a panic.
Louis put his palms over his eyes. Jay rubbed soothing circles on his back.
“I’m such an idiot,” he muttered, his voice cracking. “How am I going to ever
convince him to forgive me when I can’t even understand why he would to being
with?”
“I should go up there…” said Anne, but Gemma shook her head.
“I’ll go,” she said, pushing her chair back. She walked hastily up the stairs
and into Harry’s bedroom. She saw the room empty and looked to see that the
bathroom door was closed. She walked over and knocked on the door.
“Harry, it’s me. Can I come in?”
She was given no response and that only scared her more, so she turned the knob
and thankfully, it was unlocked. She walked in and her heart broke at the sight
before her.
“Oh, Harry,” she sighed. She closed the door behind her and walked over to her
baby brother. She lifted him up and held him close to her, trying to soothe him
as the tears streamed down his face. “Mum never wanted it to turn out like
this, she was only trying to help the two of you work things out.”
“I c-can’t, Gem,” sobbed Harry. “Every time I s-see him, I can only r-remember
the awf-ful things that he ever said to me.”
“What about all of the good things?” He shook his head.
“It only makes it harder to hate him.”
“Well, maybe that’s not a bad thing. If you cling onto the good memories then
maybe you can forgive him.”
“You don't get it, do you?” said Harry, pulling back harshly. “I don't want to
forgive him. He keeps doing the same shit to me over and over and expects me to
come running back to him every time that he apologizes. It’s horseshit, and I’m
sick of it.”
Gemma looked at him in surprise. Her brother hardly spoke like that, but
recently he has gotten more vulgar. She chalked it up to being Niall’s
influence since he and her brother were spending even more time together now
that they were dating, but even the Irish lad did not curse that much. In that
moment, she realized that Harry was purely angry and held more resentment than
she had ever seen in her life.
“A lot of people have treated you shitty, little bro,” Gemma said, honestly.
“Ain’t that the truth,” he muttered.
“But that doesn't give you free reign to mope about and take it out on the
world.” His head snapped up and he glared at her. “Don't deny it, I can hear
that depressing ass music that you blast in your room. Someone hasn’t died
Harry, you can work through things. You can’t honestly believe that dropping
people every time that they say something idiotic is a practical solution?”
He averted his gaze and she knew that she had struck a chord.
“Look, Louis did you wrong, there’s no denying it. Hell, he’s not even denying
it. He’s downstairs unsure of how to make things up to you when he sees no
reason for you to forgive him. All I’m saying is that you need some perspective
on the situation. If you’re ready to throw away fourteen years of a strong bond
then that’s your prerogative. But I don't think that even you want that, H. Not
really, anyway. You’re putting on a good show, but I can tell how much being
apart from Louis is hurting you as well.”
“I’m just tired of being hurt and feeling worthless all the time,” sighed
Harry, running his hands through his hair. Gemma rubbed his back comfortingly.
“You’re not worthless, bro. Far from it.”
“The people at school wouldn’t agree.”
“The people at school can suck my dick.” Harry choked and gave her a look.
“What? You don't know me.”
Harry’s lip quivered and before they knew it, both of them were laughing
hysterically. Gemma clutched her sides, trying to calm herself down, but she
was in stitches and was glad to see Harry laughing as well.
“Thanks Gem,” said Harry after a while. “I’ll think about it.”
Gemma nodded gratefully and she stood up, pulling Harry with her. They both
walked out of his bathroom when he turned to her.
“I think I’m going to wash up and try to sleep though. I feel like rubbish and
I can’t go back down there again, especially not after making that scene.”
“No one’s judging you, H.” He just shook his head.
“They don't have to – I am.” She squeezed his shoulder. “Please?”
She nodded and gave him a quick hug, then ruffled his hair before turning to
leave.
“Twat,” he called after her.
“Wanker,” she called back over her shoulder, and smiled when she heard him
snort. She and Harry might bicker like siblings do, but at the end of the day
they were closer than ever.
Gemma descended the stairs and saw everyone sitting exactly where she left
them.
“Is he okay?” Louis was the first to ask, standing up abruptly. Gemma just gave
him a look.
“He’ll be fine,” she directed at her mother. “You,” she said, pointing to
Louis. “Outside with me, now.”
He followed as instructed and she knew that he would not try and cross her.
They walked out the front door and sat down on the hanging bench. Gemma was
brought back to all of those years ago when Louis was looking for a girlfriend
and had come to her.
“Look,” she said, turning to face him. “There’s no point in me telling you what
you already know: You fucked up. Massively.” Louis looked down at his shoes.
“But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t try to lay some groundwork so that Harry
can forgive you.”
Louis’ head shot up and he looked at Gemma in amazement.
“Gems, I –”
“Don't thank me yet, Tomlinson,” she said, sharply. “This isn’t the first time
that you hurt my baby bro. He’s a forgiving person and I’ve never seen him like
this before.”
Louis looked down again, his lip quivering. Gemma continued regardless.
“You need to pull yourself together. And I don't mean with the crying shit, but
actually figure yourself out. The last time we sat here four years ago was when
the shit started to hit the fan.”
“I –” Gemma cut him off again.
“This all started because you want everyone to see you a certain way. I get it
– the people at school are shit and being a teenager is shittier. Trust me, I
know firsthand. That doesn’t give you an excuse to take that out on Harry
though. He’s always been sensitive, you know that best and you know that he can
be a ticking time bomb. I don't want to see him self-destruct because some
arsehole can’t get his head out of his arse enough to realize that he cares
about him more than he’s willing to admit.”
Louis’ eyebrows furrowed.
“What do you –?”
“Think about it, Louis. Really dig deep. It doesn't take much to realize that
you and Eleanor aren’t clicking. Why do you think that is?”
Louis was silent and Gemma sighed in frustration.
“You never clicked to begin with,” she explained. “Am I wrong?”
Louis hesitated and then shook his head.
“You can’t keep this going, Lou. You need to figure out what it is that you
want, but I can tell you right now that it is not Eleanor. You only started the
relationship because you didn’t want people to see you as something you weren’t
comfortable being.”
“If you’re suggesting that I’m –”
“I’m not suggesting anything,” said Gemma pointedly. Louis’ jaw dropped. “Look
Louis, only you know yourself really. All I’m saying it, start listening to
your heart and stop putting how you want people to perceive you above the one
person that makes you happier than anyone else.”
Gemma fixed him with one last look. Patting him on the knee, she stood up and
left him, walking back into the house to help clean up.
***
~Louis’ POV~
Louis sat on the porch swing stunned by Gemma’s words. She had basically
insinuated that his entire relationship with Eleanor was one big cover up and
that he was gay and fancied…
No. It just was not possible because he would know if he was gay and he
certainly is not. It would explain the feeling he got every time he saw Harry
with Niall though.
When Niall was messing with Harry’s hair during lunch period that day, Louis
nearly lost all control. He could not explain it then, but he felt rage build
within him. Now, thinking back, he realized that he had wanted to be in the
same position as Niall.
As he reached that conclusion, the glass illusion that he had formed in his
mind shattered. Everything began clicking into place and he buried his face in
his hands. He could feel his hands growing wet.
What was he going to do?
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry watched from his desk as Louis sat on the porch swing. He wondered why
the lad was still there, but even from the distance could see that he was
shaking. It did not take a genius to realize that Louis was crying.
Harry bit his lip. A part of him – the part that still cared about Louis –
wanted to help him and figure out what was wrong. The more resentful and
winning part; however, kept him grounded in his chair.
He continued to chew on his lip as he watched the boy. Harry watched as Louis
took a fistful of his own hair and pulled at it. Harry cringed, seeing how
painful it looked.
Just as Harry was about to make his final decision, Louis made it for him. He
got up with a force that caused the swing to go flying back and stormed over to
his house.
What was that all about?
***** Part II: The Soul *****
Chapter Summary
     Louis is beginning to realize the true depth of his love for Harry,
     but has the realization come too late?
Chapter Notes
     Here is the second and final part! I uploaded it all in one go
     because I originally intended it to be one chapter, but apparently it
     was too long.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
~Harry’s POV~
Even when he had cut Louis out of his life, he still could not get the lad off
of his mind. He continued to worry and contemplate over what Louis could have
possibly been so upset about that evening. He doubted it was about him because
his reaction was mild compared to previous ones between the two of them.
Something else must have happened downstairs that made him break.
It did not help that Louis was now blatantly ignoring him as well. Harry was
aggravated because he knew that he should be glad about Louis giving up, but it
infuriated him and he felt like a hypocrite. He wanted Louis to leave him alone
and when he did, he wanted him to try and fix things between them. He knew that
he could not have it both ways, but the thought of Louis giving up on him was
painful enough without the lad seemingly doing so.
The unsettling part about everything though was that he felt like Louis was
still watching him. When Harry glanced his way, he would be focusing on
something else entirely, but when Harry was working or talking to Niall and the
lads, he felt like someone was observing him. Furthermore, every time that he
looked up, Louis was always nearby. Harry was starting to wonder if he had
perhaps had a break with reality.
He did not tell Niall about his worries because quite frankly, he did not want
to bother the lad. Things were going well between them and he did not want
Louis to come between them like he was worried that he would. Louis was clearly
a sore subject for Niall, for reasons that Harry did not know, so he seldom
mentioned him around the lad.
Finally, Harry could not take it anymore. It was during lunch. He took out his
phone to compose a new text message.
Can we talk?
He stared at his phone that was resting next to his right leg. It buzzed lowly.
Sure. When and where? Harry chewed on his lip.
Leave five minutes after me. I’ll be in the basement in room B10.
Harry shoved his phone in his pocket and after a moment, turned to Niall.
“I’ll catch up with you later, Ni, yeah? I forgot that I needed to talk to ask
Mr. Johnson a question about maths.” The lie was a safe one – Niall was rubbish
at maths, so he could not offer to help him.
Niall nodded, a smile on his face.
“See you later, H.” He squeezed Harry’s hand discreetly under the table and
Harry felt guilty for lying to the lad. He was so sweet and lying to him was
like hurting a puppy. He could not explain himself otherwise though because he
was not even entirely sure what he was doing.
He got up and left the dining hall in a hurry. After throwing his lunch bag
into his locker, he rushed down the basement stairs and entered the desired
room. He sat on one of the desks and waited impatiently, tapping the sides of
his feet together nervously.
A little bit over ten minutes later, the door opened. Harry lifted his head.
“Hey Liam,” Harry muttered. Liam nodded in acknowledgement.
“Sorry, I got delayed. Anyways, what’s going on? You okay?”
Harry nodded in appreciation. He knew that he was taking a risk going to Louis’
best mate about all of this, but he had to talk to someone. Besides, Liam was
probably the person who knew Louis best besides Harry and right now… Harry
thought maybe even better than himself.
“I’m just… have you noticed something strange going on recently? With… him?”
Harry waited for Liam to recognize who he was talking about. After a prolonged
moment, realization occurred on his face. He looked at Harry hesitantly.
“Strange in what regard?”
So Harry explained to him how he had been feeling around Louis recently – like
he was being watched. Harry had a difficult time explaining the sensation, but
Liam seemed to be thinking hard about something, which Harry took as he knew
something.
“Well?” said Harry once he had finished. “Do you know what I’m talking about or
should I check myself into an institute?” Liam frowned slightly.
“I thought it was just me as well,” he replied. “I had noticed something off
about him, but he keeps insisting that nothing is wrong. I’d catch him staring
off into space sometimes though, but I never put two-and-two together to
realize that you were always within a couple feet radius.”
Harry ran a hand through his hair. Now, he was more confused than ever.
“So what does it mean?” grumbled Harry. “He doesn’t talk to you at all?”
Liam looked slightly offended by the comment and Harry had the decency to look
apologetic, but Liam brushed it off.
“Not about you, if that’s what you mean. Every time I’ve broached the subject,
he’s been pretty mute about it. Except…” Liam trailed off.
“Except what?” said Harry quickly.
“Well, we were hanging out in the arcade somewhat recently and you came up.”
Harry’s heart clenched at the mention of the arcade, memories of Louis’
birthday flooding back to him. It seemed like such a long time ago, when in
reality it was less than a month ago. Harry cherished that day above any other
that he and Louis spent together.
“It was when he invited you and your mates to the party. I was asking if he
thought that you would come and he said probably only if Niall came. He got
this disturbed sort of look on his face… I had seen it before when Niall was
brought up and I called him out on it, but he said it was nothing. He just
brushed it off saying that he didn’t know Niall well and that’s all there was
to the matter. I let it go, but I could tell that he was covering, even if he
did not realize fully at the time what he was covering for.”
Harry let the new information sink in. He had known that Louis was not
supportive of his relationship with Niall, but even Liam had noticed something
weird before he and Niall became a couple. It was more than what Louis was
letting them believe though… that much Harry could tell.
“Can I be honest?” asked Liam. Harry looked up at him warily and nodded.
“Louis’ been my best mate since we started school – but I don't pretend to know
him like you do, even if you’re not close anymore.”
“Your relationship runs deeper than I think either of you realize though,” Liam
continued. “And I think that he’s starting to realize how deep now that he’s
lost you.”
“What do you –?” Liam just shook his head.
“Louis’ important to me, Harry and I know that he is to you even if you don’t
want him to be any longer. You both owe it to yourselves to be honest with each
other and with yourselves.”
Harry watched as Liam left the room and he continued to stare at the door. What
Liam had said made absolutely no sense to Harry regardless of how much he
thought it over. It was as if Liam was talking in circles and he could not
figure out the meaning.
He heard the faint sound of the warning bell and jumped off of the desk. He
knew that he had a limited amount of time to get to French without raising
suspicion from Niall, so he pushed thoughts of Liam and Louis to the back of
his mind and took off at a run.
***
~Louis’ POV~
“Where’d you go at the end of lunch?” Louis asked Liam. The two of them were at
Liam’s house. Louis had decided to spend the night so that he would not
continue moping around in his room as he had been for over a week now.
“Oh, I just had to talk with someone,” said Liam evasively.
Louis raised an eyebrow.
“Care to elaborate, or is that an open invitation to guess which girl you
hooked up with?” Liam snorted.
“It was nothing like that, I was just with a friend talking about… footie.”
Liam was a rubbish liar and both he and Louis knew it, but the latter dropped
it.
“Whatever,” he said suspiciously. He tried to focus on his homework, but his
mind just was not where it needed to be. He threw his pencil across the room in
frustration. “This is shit.”
“Yeah, no kidding.”
Suddenly Louis’ phone buzzed and he looked over at the new message.
El: You want to come over? My parents are out of town and I got something new
that I’d like to show you ;).
Louis felt slightly aroused by the message, but the thought of hooking up with
Eleanor did not seem right. He knew that his heart was not in their
relationship and he had been pulling the breaks whenever she tried to initiate
intimacy between the two of them. It would not be right to continue using her
just to get off.
“Problem, Lou?”
Louis looked up and saw Liam with a knowing smirk on his face. Liam’s gaze
shifted down quickly before returning to Louis’ and the latter flushed bright
red. He grabbed one of Liam’s pillows.
“Shut the fuck up,” he sneered, and Liam just laughed.
“I won’t be offended if you have a ‘sudden emergency,’” Liam said, rolling his
eyes. Louis just shook his head and replied to Eleanor.
Sorry babe, I’m swamped right now. Maybe next time though.
He added the winky emoji at the end for good measure and then put his phone on
silent before tossing it away. He turned back to Liam who still had a playful
smirk.
“You’re relentless,” Louis groaned, holding the pillow tighter.
“And you’re avoiding your hot girlfriend,” replied Liam. “What’s up, mate?”
“Nothing’s up…”
“Well, I wouldn't quite –” Louis shot him a warning glance and Liam just put
his hands up. “Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood. Seriously though, what’s
going on?”
Louis ran a hand through his hair aggravated.
“I’m just not in the mood, yeah? Haven’t you ever been not in the mood?”
“No,” said Liam honestly. “But I figure that I have the rest of my life to be
sex deprived, so why start now when someone willingly wants to have it with
me.”
Louis could not help but laugh at the remark.
“Especially,” Liam continued, “if I was doing it with someone I cared about.
Unless…?” Liam trailed off, giving Louis a look. Louis averted his gaze. “I
thought so.”
“It’s just a dry spell,” Louis practically begged. “It doesn’t mean anything,
right?”
Liam stared at him pensively and Louis just wanted to know what was on the
other lad’s mind. The silence was driving him crazy.
“It could be,” Liam finally said, and Louis let out a breath. “But it also
could mean that you’re ready to move on.”
“No, I can’t end things with El. We’re good together, we’re… we’re safe…”
“Does she make you happy, Louis?”
Louis was silent and that answered Liam’s question more than any words could.
“Why are you making yourself unhappy by staying with her?”
“Because the alternative is terrifying,” Louis’ voice said, hardly above a
whisper.
“Being alone?” Louis shook his head. “You know that you can tell me anything.”
Louis just sat there, his heart racing. It was one thing to think about it to
himself, but another thing entirely to say it aloud. He wanted to run, to leave
Liam’s house and run as far away as possible, but he knew that if he could
trust anyone, it was Liam.
“I may… fancy someone else.” Liam did not look surprised.
“What’s stopping you from acting on it?”
“If erm… if I do fancy this person then it could lead to a lot of pain and it’s
complicated. It’s more than just the two of us involved in making anything
happen.”
“In my experience,” said Liam, “and granted, it’s not extensive, I’ve found
that if you truly care about someone, the rest will fall into place. The trick
is showing them.”
“Showing them?” Liam nodded.
“Do things that you know they’ll like. Show them that you carry a piece of them
with you everywhere that you go. If they return the feelings, they’ll show you
the same.”
Louis flipped Liam’s pillow in his hands repeatedly. He still was not sure if
his possible feelings toward Harry were anything more than fear of losing the
boy forever.
“What if you don't know if you fancy the person? What if it’s just because it’s
new and different and… you think that you’ll be missing something if you
don't?”
Liam gave him a calculating look before he sighed.
“I think then that you need to determine what attracts you to the person – what
qualities about them do you like and what makes them worth the potential pain?”
“That’s it?” said Louis frustrated. Liam shrugged.
“You have to dig deep, Louis.”
“So I’ve been told.” He waved Liam off when the boy raised an eyebrow.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Liam replied. “Oh, and Louis?”
“Yeah?”
“If you realize that you do fancy whomever you do… you shouldn’t stay with
Eleanor. Just because something seems comfortable, doesn’t mean that it fits
anymore.”
Liam turned back to his work and Louis thought over what he had told him.
Was the risk worth the possible pain?
***
When Liam went to bed that night, Louis was still awake on his phone. He opened
the Notes app on his phone and created a new note. He stared at the note for a
while, unsure of what to write. What possibly attracted him to Harry?
1. His smile
Louis found himself smiling slightly at the image. Whenever Harry smiled
genuinely he got these cute little crinkles by the sides of his eyes and his
one dimple popped out. His eyes would get all bright and even greener, if that
were possible.
2. His laugh
Louis loved Harry’s laugh. He had a tendency to cover his mouth when he laughed
because he felt that his mouth got too wide, but Louis always pulled his hand
down when he instinctively went to cover it. Most of the time, he would contain
his laugh, simply chuckling, but sometimes when you least expected it, he would
laugh with his entire body and the sight was beautiful. His whole body would
jerk back and forth and his laugh would be throaty and crackly in a way that
sounded ridiculous in theory, but made Harry even more beautiful and special.
3. His hair
Harry’s hair was growing curlier by the day and Louis was astounded. For
Harry’s entire life, he had blond, straight hair, but suddenly it was turning
darker and curlier. Louis loved it. When he and Harry would spend time
together, he found himself playing with the boy’s hair more, infatuated by how
tight the curls were every time he pulled on one slightly and they bounced back
into place.
4. His kindness
Harry was kinder than any person that Louis had ever met. From the time that
they were younger, Harry always tried to include people if they were left out.
Oftentimes they would deny his offer, claiming that they did not want his
“hand-out,” but Louis knew that it was more than that. Harry never wanted
anyone to feel the way that he did: An outsider. The thought broke Louis’ heart
because Harry tried so hard to get along with people, but he was treated so
poorly that sometimes he feared that Harry would lose his softness and
innocence. In a way, he had grown hardened by his pain, mostly because Louis,
the person that he trusted above everyone else, had hurt him the deepest.
5. His loyalty
Louis could argue that Harry was loyal to a fault, but saying so would not be
fair. Harry was loyal to every person that he cared about and would never
betray their trust. If someone told Harry a secret, he would take that secret
to his grave. He valued loyalty above all else and if someone broke Harry’s
trust, much like Louis had numerous times, his trust was difficult, if nearly
impossible to regain.
Louis stared at the list that he had made. All of these little things that he
had written about Harry were only the beginning. There were numerous other
aspects of Harry’s personality that Louis was attracted to. He loved how
passionate Harry got when he spoke of something and how slowly he would speak
as if deliberately drawing someone into what he was saying. He loved how Harry
knew everything about him from how he liked his tea to what his favorite song
was to his deepest fear.
He also loved Harry’s body. Not necessarily in the sexual sense (though he did
have a nice little body), but in a way that Harry could not see himself. Harry
hated his stomach and thighs, but Louis found Harry’s insecurities to be his
most beautiful qualities. Sure, he did not have abs and was not toned, but he
was young and he was perfectly proportional. There were times where Louis got
frustrated that Harry could not see what he saw, but he tried to remain patient
because he knew that Harry felt a certain way after being teased about these
features for most of his life by his peers.
He loved how Harry did not let his scars define him. He had overcome the urge
to cut and although he had admitted to Louis in the past that the urge came
back occasionally, he fought it. He would busy himself by making a cup of tea,
or by talking to Louis or Anne or Gemma.
Most of all, Louis loved how patient and trusting Harry was with people,
especially himself. Even if he wanted a result, he never rushed anyone if they
were not ready and he always would put Louis’ feelings ahead of his own. Louis
felt bad about him doing so, but Harry had always insisted that if Louis was
happy then he would be happy. Louis had tried to explain to Harry that he
should not put other peoples’ happiness above his own, but Harry had patiently
explained that he was not Charlie from The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Making
others happy was the way that he found happiness and Louis had acquiesced after
he had said that.
Louis laid on his air mattress in shock. All of the thoughts running through
his head had been poured onto the note without his even realizing and reading
everything back, there was not a doubt in his mind.
He was completely gone for Harry Edward Styles.
***
Louis hardly slept that night. He simply laid in his bed thinking about all
those things that he liked most about Harry. He even found himself going
through old photos that they had taken together or that he had taken of Harry
on his phone. He would not admit that aloud to anyone though.
He was exhausted the following morning in school, but he did not care.
Everything had changed. Of course, he still had to figure out how he would move
forward. He knew that he could not stay with Eleanor, but it was not like he
could confess his feelings to Harry. Unlike Harry, who had jumped headfirst
into his relationship with Niall, Louis was more cautious.
He was not sure why though. Harry was not some random bloke that he fancied –
he and Harry had been friends for years. Had being the operative term. How
could he expect any future with Harry when they had no now because Louis had
messed everything up?
Louis was contemplating his thoughts during the lunch period and did not
realize that he was staring off into space until he caught someone’s eye. He
swallowed when he realized that it was Niall. The boy was giving him an unhappy
look and shook his head.
Louis looked back down at his food. He had no idea that he was staring so
obviously at Harry, but Niall must have noticed it and thought it meant more
than it did. What was he saying – of course it meant more. Louis nearly
facepalmed himself – he was so sleep-deprived that he had no idea what he was
saying anymore.
He looked up again and saw that Niall was whispering something to Harry and
then stood up. He glanced at Louis again and had Louis not been paying
attention, he would have missed Niall’s subtle indication for him to follow the
other lad.
“I’ll see you lot after final bell,” Louis murmured. He kissed Eleanor’s cheek
out of obligation and she smiled up at him, but he ignored it. He hurried out,
not trailing far behind Niall.
He turned the corner, wondering where the boy went when he felt himself being
dragged into the lavatory. The door closed behind him and he was pushed
forward, stumbling slightly.
“What the hell?” he snapped, glaring at Niall. Niall returned the look.
“I could ask you the same thing. Why are you staring at Harry with heart eyes?”
“I wasn’t,” insisted Louis, his heart-rate increasing. Niall of all people
could not know about his growing feelings toward Harry. It would make
everything even worse.
“Like hell. You had that stupid, lost puppy expression on your face. Don’t deny
it, Tomlinson. I’m not blind and I know more than you think.”
Louis kept his face composed, not wanting to give anything away. Niall could be
bluffing for all he knew or know something entirely different or nothing at
all.
“And what is exactly is it that you think you know?” said Louis, crossing his
arms.
“I know that you fancy Harry.” Louis’ heart sunk and Niall snorted. “Anyone
with a pair of eyes could see it, Tomlinson. It just seems to have taken you
the longest.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis faltered. Niall rolled his
eyes.
“I’m not going to say anything if that’s what you’re worried about,” said
Niall, and Louis felt a sense of relief wash over him. “I’m also not going to
back down though.”
Louis felt his heart clench, but he said nothing. Niall continued.
“I care about Harry. I hated seeing him torn up over you and you don’t deserve
him, Tomlinson, you have to know that! He’s clearly oblivious to any feelings
that you have toward him and unless he tells me otherwise, he fancies me, not
you. I’m not going to be ‘noble’ or some shit and mess that up for someone who
can’t treat him right.”
“I never intentionally hurt him,” said Louis. He was surprised by how low and
calm his voice was when speaking aloud. His inner voice was screaming and
shouting.
Niall shrugged.
“Maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t really matter though, does it? What’s done is
done and Harry’s moved on. He wants a life without you in it and if you care
about him so much then you’ll respect his wishes. Now if you excuse me,” Niall
sidestepped him and walked to the door, “I have to meet my boyfriend before
class.”
Louis stared at the place that Niall had been standing. When he heard the door
close behind him, he locked himself in one of the cubicles and lost it. He was
sobbing and he knew that probably anyone could hear him, but he did not care.
All that mattered was that everything Niall had said was true. Niall was not
even nasty and did not threaten him. He was just brutally honest and up until
now, everyone had given him some false hope that blinded him from the harsh
reality. He and Harry were probably through with being friends forever and any
chance of a relationship was gone with that friendship.
He continued sobbing into his hands, wishing that he could be anywhere but
here. He felt so awful and he just wanted these feelings to go away
permanently.
Suddenly, the lavatory door opened and he let out a gasp of shock, before
covering his mouth. The footsteps moved forward hesitantly.
“Hello?” said a soft voice. Louis bit down so hard on his lip that he felt it
split.
Harry.
“Please, I heard you crying. I’m sure that you probably came in here to be
alone, but if I can help… I can maybe get one of your friends to help you?”
Louis did not say anything. The tears continued to stream down his cheeks.
Sure, he could probably use Liam right now, but he could not respond to Harry.
He would know who was in here then and it would lead to an uncomfortable
confrontation.
“Look,” said Harry patiently. “I know that you’re embarrassed, but it’s not a
big deal. It’s not shameful to express your feelings. Please let me or someone
else help you.”
Louis closed his eyes and breathed out. He hated this so much. There was a time
that he could go to Harry with his problems. He wanted so badly to open the
door and engulf him in a hug, but that ship had sailed. Harry no longer wanted
anything to do with him or his problems.
“I know it’s not my place, but you sound distraught. I’m going to find the
nurse –”
Louis began panicking and without thinking, unlocked the door and stepped out.
Harry stumbled back in surprise.
“L-Louis?”
“Yes, are you happy?” Louis snapped, suddenly feeling defensive. He glanced at
himself in the mirror and saw that his eyes were puffy and bloodshot. His hair
was sticking out in several directions from running his hands through it. He
looked a fright.
“Happy? Why would I be –?”
“Look, you know it’s me now, so you can go back to class. Just leave me alone,
you don't want anything to do with me, so don't pretend like my problems
matter.”
“Is this about that day?”
“What day?”
“The day that you were crying after dinner on my porch.” Louis froze.
“H-How did you?”
“I could see you shaking from my window,” said Harry, sticking his hands in his
pockets.
Louis shuffled his feet and looked away from Harry. He should have known to
leave as soon as Gemma had. Now Harry had seen more than he should have and it
was making things even more complicated than they should be for him.
“Yeah, it’s about the same thing,” he muttered. What was the point in lying? It
was not like Harry knew what he was upset about that day. Harry frowned.
“D-Do you want to talk about it…?” Louis rolled his eyes.
“I know that you don't give a damn, Harry. You can stop being nice now and
leave me alone.”
Harry pursed his lips, but nodded. He walked to the door and turned around.
“For the record, Louis” he said. “Your problems have always mattered to me.
Just because you want someone out of you life doesn’t mean that you ever stop
caring.”
He walked out of the lavatory and Louis slid down the bathroom wall.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry was not angry by Louis’ outburst, not really. He was more hurt though
than he cared to admit and he was slightly miffed that he revealed that to
Louis before he left.
Of course Harry still cared about Louis and any problems that he was having. He
may be trying to distance himself from Louis, but whether he liked it or not,
Louis was his history. They had done so much together and meant so much to each
other that he could really never fully feel nothing toward the feathery-haired
boy.
When Harry returned home from school, he went up to his room. As soon as he
opened the door, he saw the note at the end of his bed. He walked over,
confusion etched on his face. Dropping his bag, he sat down on the bed and
unfolded the note cautiously.
I’m sorry for earlier.
Harry could not help but smile slightly. Then confusion sunk in again. When did
Louis bring the note to him when he had only gotten home? Realization struck
him. Louis must have skipped the rest of the day after Harry had left him in
the lavatory.
Reaching for his phone, he scrolled through his contacts until he found Louis.
In all of his anger and sadness, he had not found it in his heart to delete the
boy’s number. Even if he had done so, he had it memorized anyway, so deleting
the number was actually pointless. Harry clicked on his name and crafted a
response. He wrote:
I’ve been there too a few times.
He hesitated. Part of him wanted to write that Louis could talk to him if he
wanted or needed to, but he did not want to open that door of pain and hurt
again.
“You’re putting on a good show, but I can tell how much being apart from Louis
is hurting you as well.”
Gemma’s words rang in his memory. She was not wrong then and she still was not
wrong now. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he returned a few times and
added a separate message underneath the previous one.
I still care and I’m here if you need someone to talk to or someone to listen.
Harry did not expect a response from Louis. He tossed his phone aside and was
surprised when it buzzed only a few moments later.
Thank you, angel xx.
For the first time in a while, Louis’ words did not hurt Harry like he expected
them too. However, they did make him miss Louis even more.
***
~Louis’ POV~
It had taken Louis a lot to send the message in response to Harry, but he was
glad that he did. He had been surprised enough when he had seen that Harry
replied to the note.
He was laying on his bed, a smile on his face, thinking about Harry. He knew
how stupid his crush was making him, but he did not care. The boy was so cute
and what he wanted more than anything was to figure out a way to get him back
in his life again.
Louis was still contemplating ways when his phone buzzed again. Excited,
thinking that it was Harry again, he opened it quickly and deflated when he saw
that the new message was from Eleanor.
Is your mum home?
No?
I’m coming over ;) No arguments!
Louis swallowed thickly. He knew what Eleanor was coming over for. She had been
dropping hints about it for ages now, but he did not want to have sex with her.
He would not be honest with himself or her if he said that he enjoyed being
with her that way.
Realizing that he did not have much time to get ready, he ran to his bathroom
and washed up, before grabbing everything that was necessary. He brushed his
teeth for a solid ten minutes when he heard his bedroom door open.
“Hey,” he said, stepping out of his bathroom. He felt his heart racing.
She eyed him with a smirk.
“Hey yourself,” she said, walking over to him. Her walk was more like a strut
though. She stopped a couple of feet away from him and stood there. “I’ve
missed you.”
“I – I’ve missed you too,” he lied, and she smiled, buying the lie.
“I’m glad.” Without warning, she pulled the drawstring of her coat and
unraveled it. She let it drop to the floor and his eyes widened when he saw
nothing beneath it.
He continued to stare at her body. She had clearly rubbed something on it to
make it shine before arriving and despite how breathtaking she was, he did not
feel himself becoming aroused. Not even when she walked over to his bed,
shaking her hips, and spread herself across it with a raised eyebrow. He
watched as she arched herself.
“Are you going to join me?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
He nodded hastily, hurrying over to the door to lock it before he went over.
They did not need a repeat of what had happened that afternoon so long ago with
Harry. Louis also closed the window and shades so that it was darker in the
room. He may or may not have also done that so as not to see Eleanor as
clearly.
***
When they both finally climaxed, Louis rolled off of Eleanor and lay beside
her. They had done it twice and both times he had an impossible time getting
hard until he thought of Harry writhing underneath him instead of her. The
thought drove him mad and helped his perform better than he ever had before
with her.
He glanced over and saw that Eleanor was grinning from ear-to-ear. He was glad
that at least one of them was happy.
“I’ve got to get going,” she said, suddenly. She stood up, her body still
shining as she cleaned herself off. Louis watched her as she slipped her coat
back on, tying it around herself. She gave him a suggestive wink. “Again
though, yeah?”
“Y-Yeah,” he stammered. She kissed him on the lips and then left the room.
Louis’ head hit his pillow and he felt dirty. He was still using Eleanor and
quite clearly, she was using him as well. He had the feeling that she could
tell that he was losing interest and she was sinking her claws in so that he
could not jump ship.
Louis rolled over again and reached for his phone. He opened a new message.
I need your help.
***
“Are you okay?” Those were the first words out of Liam’s mouth when Louis let
Liam inside of his house.
Louis was dressed in an over-sized sweater and black jeans. The ends of his
sweater fell past his fingertips and his jeans were cuffed slightly around his
ankles. He crossed his arms across his chest in a protective manner.
He nodded hesitantly, not trusting his voice. Liam did not look convinced.
“What happened, Lou?” Louis cringed slightly at the nickname. It had been
forever since he heard Harry use it and the name was not right on anyone else’s
lips.
“Eleanor came over… for that,” he said, biting his lip. “She… blimey, she
wouldn’t take no for an answer. What’s worse though is that I know I could have
easily stopped her, but she only had on a coat and she just… I felt like I had
no choice and I just feel so dirty.”
Louis was rambling as Liam brought him over to sit down on the couch. He rested
his head on Liam’s shoulder, trying to wipe his eye inconspicuously.
“Why’d you do it? Really though, besides her coming here on a mission.”
“I want to like it, I want to like her,” said Louis in almost a begging voice.
“I just don't though. I had to… think of someone else.”
Liam’s eyes widened a little, but he did not tease Louis, which the latter
appreciated. He felt bad enough as it was, the last thing he needed was to be
mocked. He knew that Liam would never do that to him though when he was
evidently distraught.
“If you don’t mind my asking… who’d you think of?” Liam asked, hesitantly.
Louis had been afraid that Liam would ask him that question. Louis wanted to
tell him so badly, but something was holding him back. Perhaps admitting the
fact that he fancied Harry out loud because that made it official. He was not
afraid of Liam, he was fairly certain that the boy would be accepting
regardless. Still, he could not shake the feeling of uncertainty and doubt.
“It’s hard, Li. I haven’t told anyone and I’m afraid,” he said, honestly. Liam
looked him directly in the eye.
“You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable, Lou, but I’m going to be
here for you and accept you regardless. People don’t choose who they fancy,
they just fancy them and that’s all there is to the matter.”
Louis swallowed, his Adam’s Apple bulging slightly, and nodded.
“I –” his voice died. Liam gave him a nod of encouragement. “I fancy H-Harry.”
Liam’s eyes lit up, much to Louis’ surprise. He let out a whoop of happiness.
Once he had finished making a scene, he looked back at an unimpressed Louis.
“Sorry mate. It’s just that I was wondering how long it would take for you to
realize your feelings for the lad.”
“Is it that obvious that everyone realizes it?” Louis asked in a panicked
voice.
“Who’s ‘everyone?’” Louis was silent. “Louis. The hard part is over.”
“Not by a long shot, Li,” Louis muttered. “‘Everyone’ is Gemma, which isn’t
horrible because we talked indirectly about it before I realized and I know she
wouldn't tell Harry, and Niall.”
“Niall knows?” exclaimed Liam. “Bloody how?”
“He said that I’m transparent and that Haz is the only one who’s oblivious.”
Liam ran a hand over his face.
“He also said,” continued Louis, “that he wouldn’t back off and that I don’t
have a shot in hell of ever being friends with him, let alone more.”
“What?”
“He’s not wrong, Liam. I think that’s what’s the worst part. Although…”
“Although what?”
“I spoke with Harry earlier.” Liam’s eyes nearly bugged out of his sockets.
“Blimey, Louis, you’re giving me whiplash. Tell me everything that happened.”
So Louis explained to him the conversation with Niall and how Harry had heard
him crying afterwards in the lavatory. He also explained how he blew up at
Harry and then left the note for him, which the younger lad texted him back in
response to afterwards. Louis handed Liam his phone so that the other boy could
look for himself.
Liam stared at the phone and then looked back up at Louis.
“He seems to be warming up to you again, Louis,” said Liam bracingly. “All is
not lost.” Louis smiled weakly. “There’s still Eleanor though.”
“I know,” Louis groaned, burying himself under his sweater sleeves.
“Are you going to end things with her?”
“I have to, don't I? I have no feelings for her. It’s just a matter of when and
how…”
“Well, January is almost over so –”
“What?” Louis screamed, jumping up. Liam jumped in alarm. “What’s the date?”
“January 25th…”
Louis slapped his forehead. How could he have forgotten? Harry’s birthday was
in exactly a week! Granted, normally he would be doing something with the boy
for his special day… Louis deflated at the thought of that being different this
year. Harry would probably be spending the day with Niall, someone he wanted to
be around and trusted.
“Harry’s birthday is on the first of the month,” muttered Louis when Liam gave
him a look. “It’ll be the first one that he’ll be spending with Niall rather
than me.”
Liam’s lips pressed into a firm line, but then he started grinning. Louis
looked at him oddly.
“Did you ever make that list about the things you like most about Harry?” Louis
nodded and Liam grinned wider.
“How do you feel about stepping out of your comfort zone?”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry was not looking forward to his birthday at all. It would be the first one
that he would be spending without Louis by his side and the thought saddened
him tremendously. Granted, he would be spending the day with Niall, so he knew
that the two of them would still have a great time.
On the morning of his birthday, he woke up and saw a pile of presents at the
foot of his bed. He sat up as the door opened.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” cheered Anne and Gemma. He smiled at the pair of them.
“Happy fifteenth birthday, darling,” smiled Anne, sitting down on his bed and
hugging him. She kissed the top of his head. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah,” Harry lied. The truth was he was up half the night thinking about
Louis. “Thanks for all of the presents.”
“Well, go on. Open them!” insisted Gemma, rolling her eyes.
Harry stuck his tongue out at her, but did as she demanded. He got some new
clothes, a better iPod then his current one that had a cracked screen and some
iTunes gift cards. Overall, he was extremely pleased. He tried not to ruin his
mood though when he noticed that there was nothing from Louis. His mum seemed
to understand though because she gave him a comforting squeeze.
“Things will work out, dear,” she said, bracingly. She had a twinkle in her
eye.
“How are you so sure?” he asked, looking up at her. She just smiled.
“A mother always knows.” She kissed his forehead again and stood up. “I’m going
to finish breakfast. Why don’t you get washed up so that you’re ready for
Niall?”
Harry nodded in agreement and waited until the pair of them had left before
getting up. Feeling that “presence” down below, he quickly stripped and turned
the water on. He began pumping back and forth, muffling his moans with his
other hand.
Finally, when he had taken care of all that he had to, he washed up and got out
of the shower. Not bothering to use a towel around his waist, he dried his hair
and walked out of the bathroom stark. It was nothing that his mother and Gem
had not seen before.
It was only when he took a few steps out of the bathroom that he heard an
intake of breath. Whipping around, he saw Niall sitting on his bed with his
eyes wide.
“Sorry,” gasped Harry, taking his towel off of his head. He went to put it
around his waist. Niall shook his head, standing up.
“N-No, I should’ve told you that I was here.” Harry found himself flushing
under his gaze. Niall looked at Harry hesitantly and pointed at the towel. “Can
I?”
Harry nodded, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Niall slowly hooked his
hands around the towel and undid it, allowing it to fall to the ground. Harry
looked away, but he could feel Niall’s eyes on him, staring at the lower half
of his body. He did not feel uncomfortable by Niall doing so, but he was merely
self-conscious of his body.
“You’re gorgeous, H,” Niall breathed, and Harry felt his face burn brighter as
Niall trailed his fingers down his chest. “Blimey.”
“Stop it,” muttered Harry. “I’m nothing special, I’m not even toned.”
Niall just shook his head.
“Toned doesn’t necessarily equal sexy, and you, my dear Harry, certainly are.”
Niall smashed his lips against Harry’s before the latter could get a word of
contradiction out. Harry hastily moved his lips against Niall’s, as if he was
answering Niall’s call to him. He felt himself being guided back to his bed and
had no protests.
He fell onto the bed, bringing Niall down with him. He had never done something
so reckless before with his family so close by, but he did not care. All that
he cared about in that moment was how good he felt being under Niall in this
way and how much he wanted their relationship to go further.
He suggested as much as he thrust up, grinding his bare groin into Niall’s own.
The boy let out a moan of appreciation. In a flash, Harry had Niall’s shirt off
of him and his trousers and pants pooling around his ankles.
Harry took in Niall in all of his glory. He was much fitter than Harry and
certainly well-endowed. Harry felt himself growing hard at the thought and
Niall winked.
“Get the door,” breathed Harry. Niall did as he was told and locked it before
rushing back to Harry’s side. They resumed kissing, their movements more sloppy
and lustful. Harry’s head extended back as Niall’s hips grinded against his
own. Niall kissed down his neck, now that he was given more access.
“Sh-Shit,” moaned Harry. “Ni, please. I - I need you now.”
“H…” said Niall hesitantly, pulling away, but Harry shook his head.
“I promise Niall, I’m ready.” Niall still looked hesitant. “I promise that I’ll
tell you if I feel uncomfortable. Do you want to do this?”
Niall nodded, a smile on his face.
“More than anything.”
That was all Harry needed to hear. He brought their lips together again, this
time slower. Eventually, their pace quickened again and Niall grabbed a condom
and lube from Harry’s bedside table. He knew that the moment would be coming
soon.
After putting the condom on, Niall generously applied lube to his fingers.
“You know that this is going to hurt before it feels good, yeah?” murmured
Niall, and Harry nodded.
“P-Please,” Harry whimpered.
Slowly, Niall traced Harry’s hole and pushed one finger inside. Harry whimpered
in pain and Niall looked on nervously. Harry took a deep breath and tried to
unclench. After a few moments he nodded and Niall began moving it in and out.
Harry let out a series of breathless moans, eventually begging Niall to insert
another, which he did as he kissed down Harry’s jaw to try and distract him.
“You’re brilliant, H,” moaned Niall, scissoring him. Harry felt himself
becoming more and more undone with every movement of Niall’s fingers.
“An-Another,” Harry gasped. Niall obeyed and put a third finger in, and Harry
nearly shouted out with a mixture of pain and pleasure as Niall began moving
all three.
Harry had never felt anything like this before. Feeling Niall inside of him was
the strangest sensation of his life, but pleasurable at the same time. He let
out a loud gasp when Niall hit his prostate and Niall smirked. He withdrew his
fingers and Harry whimpered at the loss.
“You ready, babe?” Niall asked, positioning himself better. Harry nodded
breathlessly. Niall pecked his lips before inching inside of him.
Harry gripped the sheets and arched his hips. When he gave Niall the okay,
Niall moved again, pushing Harry’s hips back down. He continued to thrust
repeatedly into Harry, having the boy make vulgar sounds. Not much later, Harry
came in between their chests and Niall followed, releasing into the condom. As
the pair of them came down from their highs, they stared at each other.
“Bloody hell,” grunted Niall, pulling out of Harry. Harry winced slightly and
curled up next to Niall. He watched as Niall tied up the condom and tossed it
away.
“You can say that again,” murmured Harry. He smiled slightly as Niall brushed
his sweaty fringe to the side and kissed him on the forehead. “Thanks for the
birthday present,” he snickered.
Niall rolled his eyes.
“Hopefully it’ll be more than a one-time deal.” Harry smiled and pecked Niall
on the lips.
After a few moments of laying there together, the boys returned to Harry’s
shower to rinse off before redressing for the day. As they went downstairs to
eat, Harry’s head was spinning.
***
Harry and Niall spent the day in the park and then at night they decided to go
ice skating. Granted, doing so was a bit strenuous for Harry after that
morning’s activities, but he managed to do so without showing too much pain.
Finally the night had ended and Harry was ready for it to. He and Niall had a
mini make-out session on his front porch and then Harry watched as he got in
the car with his brother and was driven home.
Once he saw that Niall was out of sight, he sat down on the porch swing and ran
a hand through his growing, curly hair. He should be ecstatic right now – he
had just ‘made love’ for the first time with his boyfriend. People always raved
about how good they felt after sex, so why was he not experiencing that same
feeling?
He had felt it at the time, but once the high wore off, he was left feeling
empty. Maybe it was because he and Niall were not in love yet that he was not
feeling that way. But he knew of people who had less than he and Niall had
between them and they claimed to feel some “thrill” afterwards. All Harry felt
was a loss.
He had lost his virginity and he could never get that back. He had been happy
to give it to Niall and he knew that he had taken Niall’s as well, but either
Niall was a better actor than Harry gave him credit for or he really had a
brilliant time at it.
Harry pinched the bridge of his nose. He was overthinking it. People also
always said that sex got better with time. He was sure that once he and Niall
were used to it and knew each other’s bodies better that it would be more
pleasurable afterwards as it was in the moment.
Resigning himself to the fact that he would not be able to figure the
phenomenon out tonight, Harry placed his hands on his knees and stood up. He
walked inside and saw it mum sitting at the kitchen table with her phone in one
hand and a steaming mug of tea in the other.
“Hey mum.”
“Hello dear,” she smiled, softly. “Did you have a good time with Niall today?”
Harry nodded because it was not like he would tell her otherwise. Then he would
have to explain what was on his mind and he certainly was not going to go
through the sex talk again with his mother.
“I’m actually pretty tired, I think I’m going to bed.”
“Alright, dear. I’m going to lock up for the night as well.”
Harry was slightly confused by her words, but nodded his head in
acknowledgement. He climbed the stairs and when he reached his room, he opened
the door. His eyes widened in shock and he let out a gasp.
There were candles spread throughout his room on top of his bed table, bureau,
cabinets, everything. He counted them and noted fifteen to be exact. Looking
down, he also saw that there were pieces of paper in the shape of snowflakes
leading up to his bed.
As he looked closer, he saw that each snowflake had something written on it. He
picked the first one up and squinted his eyes in the dim light.
1. Your smile – Whenever you smile, you get these cute little crinkles by the
sides of your eyes. I love when your one dimple pops out. Every time you smile,
your eyes get all bright and even greener, if that is possible.
Harry stared at the snowflake in shock and felt his hand shaking slightly. He
recognized that handwriting, but he was not sure what all of this meant. He
walked over and picked up the next snowflake with trembling legs.
2. Your laugh – You always try to cover your mouth when you laugh because you
feel that your mouth gets too wide. I prefer your genuine laugh though so I
always pulled your hand down when you instinctively went to cover it. Most of
the time, you contained your laugh, simply chuckling, but sometimes when I
least expected it, you would laugh with your entire body and the sight was
beautiful. Your whole body jerks back and forth and your laugh is so throaty
and crackly in a way that should be ridiculous, but makes you even more
special.
Harry could feel his heart pounding as he picked up the third snowflake.
3. Your hair – Your hair keeps growing curlier by the day and it astounds me.
You have always had blond, straight hair, but suddenly it’s turning darker than
mine and curlier. I love it. I love the look of amusement that you would get on
your face when I would spend time with you and I played with your hair. I’m
infatuated by how tight the curls are and how every time I pulled on one
slightly, it always bounced back into place.
Harry picked up the fourth one, his breathing growing heavier.
4. Your kindness – You’re kinder than any person that I have ever met. From the
time that we were younger, you always tried to include people if they were left
out. Even if they denied your offer, claiming that they did not want your
“hand-out,” I always knew that it was more than that. You never wanted anyone
to feel the way that you did: An outsider. It still breaks my heart that you
feel that way because you try so hard to get along with people, but are treated
so poorly that I sometimes fear that you will lose your softness and innocence.
I am especially worried because I know that I cause you the most pain of
everyone. I thank you for your kindness and how even after everything that I’ve
done to you that you still care about me and still offer to help me through my
problems.
Harry reached for the final snowflake.
5. Your loyalty - You’re loyal to a fault, angel, but it is my favorite
characteristic of yours. You are loyal to every person that you care about and
would never think of betraying their trust. If someone tells you a secret, you
are prepared to take that secret to your grave. You value loyalty above all
else and if someone breaks your trust, much like I have numerous times, your
trust is difficult, if nearly impossible to regain. But you still try to
forgive everyone on some level because you know that everyone is flawed and you
refuse to hold their shortcomings against them.
Tears were streaming down Harry’s cheeks as he read the final snowflake. He
then turned to look at his window and saw Louis perched on the windowsill. He
had not heard him come up, but he was preoccupied enough as it was.
“Do you mean all of this?” Harry choked out. He was having a hard time catching
his breath.
Louis nodded solemnly, stepping hesitantly into the room.
“I know that I’ve messed up so badly, angel,” he whispered, keeping a fair
distance between them. “And I know that you’ve given me so many chances to show
you that I’ve learned from those mistakes only to wreck your trust again… but I
promise you, Haz, I mean every word that I wrote there. I care about you more
than anyone in the world and that’s the –”
Harry ran into Louis’ arms and hugged him tightly. He refused to let go and
eventually, the taller lad wrapped his own arms around him. He felt safe in
those arms.
“Happy birthday, angel,” murmured Louis into his hair.
Harry’s mouth lifted at the sides.
“I’ve missed you, Lou.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
-Four hours earlier-
Louis and Liam had discussed the idea and it was a brilliant one. He thanked
his lucky stars that Liam was his best mate because he would have never thought
of it without Liam’s help.
Louis had spoken to Anne about what he was planning to do so that he would not
alarm her if she walked in and saw him in there loitering. She was fully on
board with the idea and even got slightly emotional. Louis could tell that the
woman was sad about his and Harry’s separation.
“You know, I’m pretty sure that this screams ‘fire hazard,’” snorted Gemma.
Louis looked up and saw the older girl standing in the door frame. He was
lighting the candles on Harry’s bureau. He had scattered them all over the room
– one for every year that Harry had been alive and part of his life.
“It sets the mood,” snapped Louis.
“For what exactly?” said Gemma, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Louis
ignored her. “If it counts for anything, I think what you’re doing is really
sweet.”
“Thanks,” said Louis shortly, and now it was her turn to roll her eyes.
“You don't have to put on some act around me, you know,” she continued. “I know
you well enough to tell that you realize what I meant that day. I also know
that you’re still dating my best friend.”
Louis glanced over at her skeptically.
“What’s your end game, Gems?” he asked. “You’re rooting for me and Harry, but
you’re best friends with Eleanor, the girl that I’m dating. How exactly does
that work?”
“It doesn’t really,” she said, shrugging. “Unless I justify it by saying that
your relationship with El will only end in flames and both of you will be
miserable. You have a shot of happiness with Harry. I’ve seen the way that you
look at each other.”
“It’s one-sided,” said Louis, focusing on his lighter again. He did not miss
her rolling her eyes again though. “You know that the more you do that, the
more likely they are to roll out of your sockets.”
“I’ll take my chances. But that’s where you’re wrong. About the affections
being one-sided, I mean. Harry’s young, Louis and he just got in a
relationship. Of course his sights aren’t on you, but I’ve never seen someone
so fond or jealous over their best mate.”
“Jealous?”
“You don't think I didn’t know about when he accidentally walked in on you and
El? The walls aren’t that thick, Lou.” He frowned. “It was obvious that he was
upset. And not for nothing… girls do talk.” Louis would have laughed if he was
not so anxious.
“He was upset because he thought that he ruined –”
“Because he hadn’t realized until that point how seemingly intimate and strong
your relationship with Eleanor had gotten. He wants that with you, Louis. Even
if he doesn’t know it yet.”
She walked over and took the lighter that was dangling dangerously from his
hand. She began helping him light some of the candles and he watched her in
contemplation.
“Don’t fight your feelings because you’re afraid that they won’t be
reciprocated.”
“Right now I just want to be mates with him again,” Louis insisted, and Gemma
raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah? And how was that working out for you?”
“Pretty well until I opened my mouth and used it as a rubbish feed.” She
laughed.
“Think on it, Lou.” She handed him the lighter and gave him a one-armed hug.
“What was that for?” he asked in surprise.
“Just a good luck hug.” She left the room and he resumed his work.
He was going to need that luck.
***
Everything was ready and in place for Harry’s arrival. Anne was going to send
him a text when Harry was coming upstairs so that he could be fully prepared
for him.
He felt like he was on a mission.
All of a sudden, he saw lights illuminate the street. Harry stepped out of the
car with Niall and the two of them walked up to the front porch. If he leaned
at the right angle, he was hidden by a tree branch, but could still make them
out under the dim light.
He watched as they exchanged a few words before they began kissing. Louis
looked away, a pain going through his chest at the sight. He glanced back a few
moments later and saw that they were still in the same position. They had to
come up for air at some point right?
He felt his blood boil as Niall’s hands slipped under Harry’s shirt and grazed
his pale, milky skin. He felt even worse when he heard Harry’s escaped moan. He
should be the one making Harry feel that way, not Niall. He could be the one
too if he had not realized his feelings so late and royally screwed everything
up.
He glanced back again and saw that Niall was walking back to the car. He was
relieved when he saw the car disappear into the night. If Niall had come up
with Harry that would have led to some highly uncomfortable questions for both
of them.
He waited expectantly for the text, but still did not receive it. He glanced
down again and saw that Harry was sitting on the porch swing with his head
down. He ran his hand through his hair and moments later, pinched the bridge of
his nose. Was he crying?
Louis’ thoughts were interrupted though as Harry got up and walked inside. He
felt his phone buzz in his back pocket.
He’s here.
Louis felt his heart rate quicken. The moment of truth was coming soon. Either
Harry would choose to forgive him or things would go on as they were between
them.
Several moments later, Louis heard the door creak open and Harry’s gasp. He
waited a couple of minutes before peeking inside so that he would not risk
Harry seeing him quite yet.
When he looked inside the window, he saw that Harry was already on the third
snowflake. He had gotten the idea based on his own birthday and how they had
been lying in the snow. It was right before they had showered together, a
memory that Louis cherished, but forced himself not to think about right now
for obvious reasons.
He silently perched himself on the windowsill and gazed at Harry. He was
stunning all of the time, but particularly so in the current lighting. His
silhouette was painted across the wall and he watched as Harry’s bright, pink
lips moved as he read.
Louis tried not to sigh when he saw that Harry had started crying. He wanted so
badly to reach out and hold the boy, or at least touch him, but he restrained
himself.
Finally, Harry had finished the last note and looked up, making direct eye
contact.
“Do you mean all of this?” Harry choked out.
Louis nodded solemnly, stepping hesitantly into the room. He did not want to
get too close to Harry in case the boy was still upset with him, so he kept a
fair distance between them.
“I know I’ve messed up so badly, angel,” he whispered. “And I know that you’ve
given me so many chances to show that I’ve learned from those mistakes only to
wreck your trust again… but I promise you, Haz, I mean every word that I wrote
there. I care about you more than anyone in the world and that’s the –”
Harry ran into his arms and hugged him tightly. Louis was stunned. He had
prepared an entire speech thinking that Harry would need more persuasion, but
the boy was even more forgiving than Louis had given him credit for. Harry
refused to let go and eventually, Louis snapped out of his trance and wrapped
his own arms around Harry. He loved the feeling of holding Harry in his arms.
Protecting the boy made him feel whole and he wanted nothing more than to lean
down and capture his lips, but he did not. Doing so would only complicate
things further and Louis wanted something to be easy for once.
“Happy birthday, angel,” he murmured into Harry’s hair. He waited, not
expecting a response, but when he received one he smiled widely.
“I’ve missed you, Lou.”
***
Harry asked him to stay the night, so Louis could not refuse. They were laying
in Harry’s bed staring into each other’s eyes and simply smiling goofily.
“I’ve missed this,” Harry admitted, and he nodded in agreement.
“I have too,” he said with a smile. “I’ve missed you more though.” He reached
out and stroked Harry’s cheek, his thumb grazing it and causing Harry to close
his eyes.
“I’m sorry that I couldn't spend your actual birthday with you,” Louis
continued, but Harry shook his head.
“This is better Lou. I’d much prefer to always end my nights and start my
mornings with you.”
Harry did not seem to realize what he implied, but Louis certainly caught it
and tried to calm his pounding heart. He was afraid that Harry would be able to
hear it.
“Did you have a good day with Niall?” he asked out of politeness.
“Mhm,” said Harry noncommittally. Louis scrutinized him.
“Tell me the truth, angel. I won’t be upset, I promise.”
Harry opened his eyes and peeked at him hesitantly.
“Erm… it’s – it’s awkward, Lou.”
“What is?”
“We erm… well…”
Louis felt his chest constrict. The realization of what Harry was trying to get
around saying hit him hard. He had thought that Harry had broken his heart
before, but nothing compared to the way that his heart was feeling in that
moment.
“Did you guys –?” Harry nodded and Louis forced a smile. “Yeah? C-Congrats.”
Harry gave him a pointed look and he sighed.
“I’m not trying to make things awkward, I swear, Haz. I just don't know what to
say… are you okay? Was he gentle?” Louis nearly face palmed himself. He was
relieved of how dark the room was because he was certain that his face was
tomato red.
Harry’s eyes widened in shock.
“Y-Yeah,” he stuttered, and Louis groaned in embarrassment.
“I’m sorry, I don't know why I asked that –”
“Don’t worry about it, Lou. It was… sweet.” Louis snorted.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” said Harry sincerely, and somehow Louis believed him. “I do feel odd
though. Not like that, but I feel like I should be feeling different right now,
you know?”
“How do you mean?”
“Like I should be overwhelmed with happiness. How did you feel after your
first?”
Louis thought back. How did he feel? Hornier, if that was possible. He opted
not to tell Harry that though because the thought of his angel doing that with
Niall again sent daggers through his already wounded heart.
“Not much different,” he replied. Not a complete lie. “I mean, I didn’t really
feel closer to Eleanor, if that’s what you’re looking for as a response. I
don't know, I didn’t really dwell too much on it…”
He was glad to see that Harry looked somewhat relieved by his response though.
“I thought it was just me. Don’t get me wrong, I care about Niall and I’m glad
that I lost my virginity to someone that I trust, but I don’t love him. Not yet
at least.”
Louis’ heart swelled at Harry’s words. He did not love Niall. Maybe that meant
that he still had a chance of being with Harry. He just had to keep hinting at
his feelings.
“You’ll find your love some day, Haz,” Louis whispered, taking Harry in his
arms.
“I know,” yawned Harry, snuggling into him. “But until then, I have you.”
Louis was certain that Harry could feel his heart pounding in that moment, but
when he looked down he saw that the boy had fallen fast asleep. He held Harry
close to him and tried to do the same.
***
When Louis woke up the next morning, it took a few moments for him to gather
his bearings. He was not sure where he was immediately until he felt something
soft against his chin. He looked down and saw Harry’s sleeping form.
If possible, the younger lad looked more angelic than ever. He was letting out
little snores, his chest rumbling simultaneously and sending vibrations through
Louis.
Louis brushed the fringe that had fallen into his eyes during the night off of
his face. He continued to stroke Harry’s hair, mesmerized by its softness. As
he did so absentmindedly, he also admired the boy’s eyelashes. They were thick
and long for a bloke and Louis loved them.
Subconsciously, his eyes then drifted down to Harry’s plump, pink lips. They
were parted slightly and slightly chapped, but appealing nonetheless. Louis
felt his heart rate increase as he continued to stare at them, wishing that
Harry would lean up and capture his own, if even for a fleeting moment.
Without warning, Harry let out a groan and Louis felt himself harden against
his will. Curse Harry and the hold that he had over his body.
“N-Niall…”
If Louis could have burst into flames at any given moment, he would have chosen
that one. He felt his eyes stinging, but he blinked several times,
disentangling himself from Harry. He had no desire to be the physical reason
why Niall was entering Harry’s dreams. It was bad enough that the dream was a
reflection of real life.
He saw Harry frown at the sudden absence of warmth, and gradually open his
bleary eyes. The sudden greeting of emerald took Louis’ breath away and he
wondered to himself when he became so melodramatic?
“Morning,” came Harry’s groggy voice. The sound sent chills up Louis’ spine.
“Morning, angel,” replied Louis, smiling weakly. He saw slight discomfort on
Harry’s face and he had an idea of the cause. “What’s the matter?”
“Erm… morning wood,” Harry murmured, flushing slightly.
Louis’ lip curved slightly.
“You wouldn’t be the first, Haz,” he laughed, lightly. He lifted the sheets as
an exhibit. “Happens to all of us from time to time.”
Harry covered his face in embarrassment and Louis simply laughed harder.
“Stop laughing!” groaned Harry. “Do you realize how pathetic we both are?”
“Or incredibly imaginative.”
“Oh, gosh.”
“Seriously though, Haz. It’s not a big deal. You can take care of it if you
need to, it’s not like I’ve never seen your junk before.”
Harry’s hand dropped in shock. He looked over at Louis scandalized.
“Blimey Lou. You can’t honestly tell me that you woke up hoping to see me jack
myself off this morning?”
You have no idea, thought Louis. He settled for rolling his eyes.
“Yeah, it’s actually on my bucket list. Quit it, you twat. I’m just trying to
make it less awkward.”
Louis watched as Harry swallowed thickly, his arousal still extremely evident.
“You sure?” he asked, bashfully. Louis nodded wordlessly.
What am I doing?
Harry lowered the sheets off of them and dropped his briefs, those being the
only article of clothing that he was wearing, and spat in his hand to minimize
the friction. He then began stroking himself gradually, a slight moan escaping
him as he proceeded.
Louis watched greedily as Harry pleasured himself, watching as Harry’s finger
glided over the tip that was sparkling with precome. He watched as Harry’s
forehead built up a sweat and his moves became more desperate. He was growing
more and more frustrated and he could tell that Harry was too, his stomach
clenching and unclenching.
Finally, Louis reached out a hand and grabbed Harry’s wrist. The latter froze.
“C-Can I speed the process along?”
“What?” gaped Harry, his eyes blown wide.
“It’s just… I could maybe help you get there faster?” Louis immediately began
backtracking. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –”
“No, it’s just… Niall…”
“I know,” said Louis quickly. “I was just – offering as a mate. Nothing more, I
just thought I c-could help. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –”
“Louis,” sighed Harry, covering his mouth with his other hand. “Relax.”
Louis fell silent, his eyes searching Harry’s own to gauge his reaction.
“I suppose – as mates – it’s okay… just this one time?”
Louis nodded, perhaps a bit too eagerly. Harry dropped his hand from Louis’
mouth and laid back down. He and Louis did not break eye contact as the latter
rolled himself over Harry and straddled him.
Louis began lowering himself, his breathing uneven as he reached Harry’s
length. He caught Harry looking at him in concern.
“Are you okay?” asked Harry softly. Louis nodded, not trusting his voice. “You
don’t have to –”
Before Harry could finish or Louis could second-guess himself, he took Harry in
his mouth. The feeling was foreign and slightly gross, but he adjusted to the
sensation.
He heard Harry moan from above him and began pulling Harry deeper until he hit
the back of his throat. Louis nearly gagged, but resisted the sensation and
began bobbing his head as he had seen done in videos before.
He watched as Harry’s eyelashes fluttered and closed, the younger lad fisting
the sheets. Almost as if he could have predicted it, Louis held down Harry’s
hips before they could thrust up into him. His actions surprised both of them,
but he lost his surprise when Harry elicited a sinful moan.
“I’m gonna – I’m –”
Louis licked Harry’s head and that was all that it took. Harry released inside
Louis’ mouth, the liquid burning the latter’s throat as it went down. He
spluttered slightly, the taste extremely unpleasant and released Harry with a
pop. He fell down beside him in shock. Several minutes passed before either of
them spoke a word.
“Thanks.”
The one word sent them into a fit of giggles. The situation was far from
appropriate for laughter, but what they had done was so absurd to them that
they could not help but laugh it off. It certainly eliminated some of the guilt
that they both felt.
“Lou…”
“Yeah?”
“I think that you need some help of your own.”
Louis glanced down and saw that he had a tent in his pants. He had not even
noticed or felt the change until Harry just mentioned it, but now it was
becoming slightly painful. Harry sat up in bed.
“Come on,” he said, standing up. Louis glanced away from Harry’s perky bum
quickly before he could get any more obvious.
“Where?” he asked, accepting Harry’s hand.
“I’m going to return the favor, silly.” Louis tripped.
“W-What?”
“It’s a one-time thing Lou,” said Harry easily. “You helped me out, and I’ll do
the same now for you. But we should also clean off as we do it, so let’s go
into the shower.”
Louis could not believe his ears. If someone had told him that he would suck
off and then be sucked off by Harry Styles this morning, he would have laughed
hysterically.
“Are you coming?” asked Harry, stepping in and turning the water on.
“Hopefully,” teased Louis, winking at Harry. The boy simply sighed.
“You’re awful, Lou.”
“Most say it’s part of my charm.”
He lifted his shirt off of his torso and dropped his trousers and boxers in one
go. He flushed slightly as his hard on sprung up, but Harry just smirked
slightly.
“Nothing to be ashamed of, right Lou?” he mimicked Louis’ words. Louis smacked
him as he stepped inside the tub.
“Doesn’t mean that I can’t be embarrassed about you seeing me like this and
knowing the reason why.” Harry was silent for a moment.
“You’re okay with all of this?” Harry asked suddenly. His hair was now making
him resemble a baby Tarzan. “You being straight and all? And Eleanor…”
Louis tensed under the steady spray of water. He wanted to tell Harry that he
was not straight and that he did not like Eleanor in that way anymore. It would
not make any of what they were doing right, but it also would explain some of
it. He also did not want any secrets between them anymore. Louis was afraid if
he told Harry though that the latter would realize how much more this meant to
Louis than he was letting on and that it would not happen.
“Don’t worry about me, angel,” said Louis, wiping droplets off Harry’s
eyelashes.
That was all he said and Harry seemed to take it to heart. He lowered himself
down on his knees in front of Louis and took Louis in without any hesitance.
Louis knees nearly buckled at the sight. His hand settled in Harry’s hair and
he could stare at the boy sucking him off for the rest of his life. The sight
of Harry’s pink and inviting lips around Louis’ throbbing member was both
ghastly and gorgeous. He wished that he could memorized Harry’s movements so
that he could later recall them.
Harry hollowed his cheeks and hummed into Louis and Louis felt something
already stirring in his stomach. He was so close already and the thought of
releasing with hardly any stimulation embarrassed the hell out of him, so he
held on longer.
“Blimey, you’re thick, Lou,” said Harry, his voice scratchy and Louis was
becoming more undone. He needed to hear that voice from here on out.
“G-Getting close, Haz,” he whimpered, fisting Harry’s wet curls. The water was
growing cold for both of them, but neither cared. They were hot off of their
own heat.
Harry licked a strip and went to pull off, but was not quick enough to avoid
Louis’ spurts hitting him in the face. He cringed slightly, but took it like a
champ, chuckling slightly. Louis blushed scarlet.
“I’m so sor –”
“Don’t worry about it, Lou,” laughed Harry, rinsing his sticky face off.
Louis watched as Harry’s back was turned. He felt something stirring within
himself. He wanted so badly to turn Harry around and tell him that he fancied
him so badly. It was actually becoming bloody painful for him. But he did not
say anything.
So instead they both showered. They were slightly touchy-feely as they washed
themselves, but nothing too frisky. Both were extremely aware of what they just
partook in, but they ignored the elephant in the room by filling the silence
with mindless chatter.
***
~Harry’s POV~ (Same situation earlier)
Harry has never professed to having the cleanest mind, so when he had a dirty
dream about himself and Niall, he was not surprised. However, he did feel
horrified when he realized that he was having the dream while cuddled up in
Louis’ arms.
He began stirring when he felt Louis’ body shift away from him and he frowned.
He wanted Louis’ warmth and safety and did not know why he let go of him so
suddenly. Gradually, he opened his eyes and saw Louis staring back at him
solemnly.
Louis always looked good in the morning, unlike how Harry felt about himself.
His eyes were the brightest blue, ready for the new day, and his hair was
tousled in a way that Harry knew that he could never pull off in a million
years.
In less than a split second, he snapped himself out of his daydream.
“Morning,” he said, groggily. He shifted uncomfortably, making a grimace. He
tried to hide the obvious erection that he was sporting under the covers.
“Morning, angel,” replied Louis, smiling at him in a way that made Harry’s
heart soar. “What’s the matter?”
Harry flushed, having hoped that Louis could not sense his discomfort. He
should have known better.
“Erm… morning wood,” he finally murmured. Louis’ lip curved in amusement.
“You wouldn’t be the first, Haz,” he laughed, lightly. Louis lifted the sheets
as an exhibit. “Happens to all of us from time to time.”
Harry covered his face in embarrassment. He heard Louis laugh harder.
“Stop laughing!” he groaned. “Do you realize how pathetic we both are?”
“Or incredibly imaginative.” Harry nearly choked.
“Oh, gosh.”
“Seriously though, Haz. It’s not a big deal. You can take care of it if you
need to, it’s not like I’ve never seen your junk before.”
Harry’s hand dropped in shock. He knew that he was wearing a scandalized look,
but he could not help himself. Louis was suggesting that he get himself off
while the he was present? He knew that Louis had seen him naked plenty of times
in the past – and vice versa – but touching himself in front of Louis was far
different.
“Blimey Lou. You can’t honestly tell me that you woke up hoping to see me jack
myself off this morning?”
Louis rolled his eyes at him.
“Yeah, it’s actually on my bucket list. Quit it, you twat. I’m just trying to
make it less awkward.”
Harry swallowed thickly. He was becoming painfully aware of how great his
arousal was and also how evident it was to Louis. He really needed to get this
finished and done and if Louis was really giving him permission…
“You sure?” he asked, bashfully. Louis nodded wordlessly.
Harry shakily lowered the sheets off of them and dropped his briefs, those
being the only article of clothing that he was wearing, and spat in his hand to
minimize the friction. He then began stroking himself gradually, a moan
escaping his lips.
He could feel Louis’ watchful eyes on him and the realization was turning him
on more in a disturbing sort of way. Louis was his best mate and he should not
be so comfortable doing something like this around him, but it was Louis. They
may have just reconciled, but Louis knew more about him than anyone else in the
world.
His finger glided over his tip, feeling it begin to leak. Harry felt his
forehead grow sweaty as his fringe stuck to its dampness and quickened his
pace. He was aware that his technique was growing more sloppy, but he was
getting closer, but not quite there. He was becoming aggravated by the slow
pace until finally, he felt Louis’ hand reach out and grab his wrist. He froze
in shock, unsure of what to do next.
“C-Can I speed the process along?”
If Harry had been standing, a gentle breeze would have knocked him over at that
question Louis had just uttered.
“What?” he gaped. He saw the panic building in Louis’ eyes.
“It’s just… I could maybe help you get there faster?” Louis immediately began
backtracking. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –”
“No, it’s just… Niall…”
Niall. How could he do that to someone who was so sweet to him? If he let Louis
touch him in any way, it would be cheating and as if Niall meant nothing to
him, which was far from true. He felt enough guilt from simply jerking off in
front of someone else.
“I know,” said Louis quickly. “I was just – offering as a mate. Nothing more, I
just thought I c-could help. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –”
“Louis,” he sighed, covering Louis’ mouth with his clean hand. “Relax.”
Louis fell silent and Harry watched as Louis’ blue eyes searching his own own
green ones to make sure that he was not angry with him. Harry would not be
though. Not over something like this when he was not suggesting that they
actually cheat on their significant others. Despite feeling as though he was
justifying and talking himself into what he was about to let Louis do, he
finally responded:
“I suppose – as mates – it’s okay… just this one time?”
Louis nodded quickly. Harry dropped his hand from Louis’ mouth and laid back
down. He maintained eye contact with Louis as the latter rolled over and
straddled him.
Harry continued to watch as Louis lowered himself, his breathing uneven as he
reached Harry’s length. Harry looked at him in concern. His breathing was
erratic and Harry did not want him to do anything that would sacrifice his
comfort, even if Louis had been the one to suggest that they do “this” in the
first place.
“Are you okay?” he asked Louis softly. Louis nodded, but Harry could still see
the panic and fear in his eyes. Louis was straight and sucking him off was
completely out of his depth. Harry did not blame him for that. “You don’t have
to –”
Before he could finish, Louis took him in his mouth. Harry moaned, nearly
coming undone when he felt himself hit the back of Louis’ throat. As Louis
began bobbing, Harry wondered how someone so straight could so expertly know
how to undo him with his mouth.
Louis looked so pretty as he continued to bob up and down, his hair bouncing
slightly and his toes curling at the end of the bed. He managed to look
graceful and sinful at the same time and Harry knew that he should not be
thinking these thoughts about him.
Harry’s eyelashes suddenly fluttered and closed, fisting the sheets
simultaneously. He felt his hips go to buck, but almost as if he could have
predicted it, Louis held them down. Harry’s eyes popped open in surprise,
wondering how Louis could have known and saw the surprise written all over
Louis’ face as well. Without warning, Harry elicited a low, throaty moan. He
was close.
“I’m gonna – I’m –”
All it took was Louis licking his head to have him releasing inside Louis’
mouth. He heard Louis splutter slightly, before releasing Harry with a pop.
Harry felt the bed incline by his side as Louis fell down beside him. Harry was
in shock about what just occurred between them and several minutes passed
before either of them spoke a word.
“Thanks.”
The one word sent them into a fit of giggles. The situation was far from
appropriate for laughter, but what they had done was so absurd to them that
they could not help but laugh it off. It certainly eliminated some of the
guilt.
Harry glanced down and bit his lip. Louis was clearly turned on by the entire
situation and he felt that he should reciprocate the favour. Simply out of
kindness.
“Lou…” said Harry, somewhat nervously.
“Yeah?”
“I think that you need some help of your own.”
He sat up as Louis glanced down and saw that he had a tent in his pants.
“Come on,” he said. He felt Louis’ eyes on him, and for some reason, did not
feel as self-conscious as he thought that he would about being so vulnerable in
front of him.
“Where?” Louis asked, accepting his hand.
“I’m going to return the favor, silly.” He held back a laugh as Louis tripped.
“W-What?”
“It’s a one-time thing Lou,” he said easily. “You helped me out, and I’ll do
the same now for you. But we should also clean off as we do it, so let’s go
into the shower.”
He entered the bathroom and organized the towels and such so that they would be
ready for when they finished. When he turned around, he saw that Louis remained
frozen.
“Are you coming?” he asked, stepping in and turning the water on.
“Hopefully,” teased Louis, winking at him. Harry sighed, amusement coursing
through him, along with something else that he could not identify. Louis was
such a trip.
“You’re awful, Lou.”
“Most say it’s part of my charm.”
Harry watched as Louis lifted his shirt off of his torso and dropped his
trousers and boxers in one go. He could not help admire Louis’ strong physique.
Being two years Harry’s senior, his body was certainly more defined and growing
more so by the day. He smirked at Louis’ flushed complexion when the latter’s
hard on sprung up.
“Nothing to be ashamed of, right Lou?” he mimicked Louis’ words. Louis smacked
him as he stepped inside the tub.
“Doesn’t mean that I can’t be embarrassed about you seeing me like this and
knowing the reason why.” Harry was silent.
What did Louis mean by that? Was he embarrassed that sucking Harry off turned
him on? If that was the case, he knew that Louis’ body was simply reacting. He
was not under any false impressions that Louis fancied him or wanted something
more to come.
Something else occurred to him then: Eleanor. What if Louis was regretting what
they had done because he realized that Eleanor would be impacted by it as well
if she got wind of it? Harry had forgotten about her, only thinking of himself
and Niall.
“You’re okay with all of this?” he asked, worriedly. “You being straight and
all? And Eleanor…”
He saw Louis tense and felt that he hit the nail right on the head. He could
tell that Louis was also having an internal battle, but knew that he would
explain himself.
“Don’t worry about me, angel,” said Louis. Harry felt himself tense as Louis
wiped the water off of his eyelashes. Louis always did things like that and he
could never quite master having a calm reaction to his movements.
Realizing that Louis had said all that he was going to say and accepting that
fact, Harry lowered himself down on his knees in front of Louis. Then, before
he could second-guess the situation any further, he took Louis in his mouth
fully.
Harry nearly moaned when Louis’ hand settled in his curls. Harry hollowed his
cheeks and hummed into Louis. The lad was not long, but he made up for that
fact in girth. Harry’s mouth had to stretch exceptionally to fit him fully.
“Blimey, you’re thick, Lou,” he said, his voice scratchy.
“G-Getting close, Haz,” Louis whimpered, fisting his wet curls. The water was
growing cold, but neither seemed to care. Harry, himself was hot off of their
heat.
Knowing that Louis was moments from coming, Harry licked a strip and went to
pull off, but was not quick enough to avoid Louis’ come hitting him in the
face. He cringed, but chuckled slightly to defuse the obvious tension. He did
not want Louis to feel bad because he came too soon or because Harry did not
react quickly enough. Nonetheless, he saw Louis blush scarlet.
“I’m so sor –”
“Don’t worry about it, Lou,” he laughed, rinsing his sticky face off.
They both showered, opting not to talk about what had just happened between
them. Harry certainly felt something new stir within him from what had just
happened. They were slightly touchy-feely as they washed themselves, but
nothing too frisky. There were moments when Louis would dance his fingers
across his hipbones or he would play with a longer strand of Louis’ hair, but
every action was done and perceived innocently.
Harry knew that they were both aware of that fact going into the situation.
***
~Louis’ POV~
“You and Harry did what?” Liam exclaimed.
Louis cringed at the look that Liam was giving him. His face was full of shock
and disappointment and Louis could not blame him. He knew what he and Harry had
done was beyond wrong.
“I know, Liam. I feel horrible about it…”
“I should hope so! I know that you don’t fancy Eleanor, but she still doesn't
deserve something like –”
“I know!” snapped Louis, and Liam fell silent. Louis ran a hand over his face.
The pair were sitting in Liam’s bedroom after school. Louis had told Liam
during the day that he had to speak with him about something that was bothering
him.
“What are you going to do?” asked Liam hesitantly.
“I have to end things with her,” replied Louis without missing a beat. Liam
nodded. “I don’t know how or when though.”
“Do it now.” Louis’ eyes bugged out in shock.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me, Lou. You can’t put this off any longer and you certainly can’t
do it between classes.”
“I can’t?” mumbled Louis meekly. He had been hoping for that option so that he
could make a quick escape when the bell rang for the next period. Liam shook
his head.
“You owe it to her to be honest.” Louis looked at him incredulously.
“Honest?” he cried. “I can’t exactly tell her that I sucked off my best mate,
who I may just happen to fancy to the next century, but he doesn't know that
because he’s too busy hooking up with his boyfriend.”
Liam pursed his lips and gave Louis a calculating look.
“You’re screwed, mate.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know.”
***
~2 Hours Later~
“Hey Lou-Lou, what’s up?” asked Eleanor with a chipper tone.
Louis cringed at the nickname. Eleanor could never seem to wrap her head around
the fact that the name was vomit inducing and that Louis despised when she used
it.
“Erm, hi,” he said, weakly. She stared at him expectantly. “Can we talk?”
Eleanor frowned, but nodded. The pair of them sat on the step that led up to
Louis’ porch. His mother was not home, so he did not have to worry about being
interrupted.
“What is it that you want to talk about?” asked Eleanor timidly.
Louis watched as she reached to grab his hand in her own, but he did not
respond. He did not pull away either, but he made no move to entwine their
fingers together.
“Look, El. I’m really –”
“Save it, Louis,” she sighed. He froze. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out
that you’re breaking up with me.”
“How did you –?”
“I can tell that your heart isn’t in it anymore,” she said, releasing his hand.
It fell limply to his side. “Who is she?”
“W-What? No, there’s no one…” Louis stammered, trying to figure out how he had
backed himself into this corner without even saying anything incriminating.
“I’ve seen the look in your eye, Lou. There’s somebody else. I’m not going to
lie, it’s the same for me as well, but I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“There is?” he asked, stunned. She nodded with a soft smile.
“Yeah. You know Max from my year?” Louis nodded in surprise. “Nothing has
happened between us yet, but I can’t say that I don’t want something to.”
“Oh,” was all that Louis said. Eleanor scrutinized him.
“There won’t be hard feelings between us, will there?” she questioned him, and
he shook his head. She did not deserve any resentment from him. Not when he had
in fact technically cheated on her with someone else.
“No, of course not, El. You were always one of my best girl friends first and
foremost.” She smiled at that. “Thanks for being so… so nice about all of
this.”
“Sometimes things have to end for something new and better to happen,” she
said, standing up and brushing off her skirt. “We were always better friends,
Louis.”
He nodded in agreement, standing up and looking down at her. She wrapped her
arms around his torso and he returned the hug, the weight on his shoulders
feeling lighter.
“Thanks El,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She nodded, kissing his cheek before walking back in the direction of her own
house. Louis stood there for a few moments, before he heard a knock on a
window. He looked up and saw Harry standing there with a quizzical expression
on his face.
Without a word, he began climbing the fire escape. Harry lifted the window and
moved to the side so that he could jump in without any interference.
“What was that about?” Harry asked without any lead-in. Louis glanced at him.
“I was ending things with Eleanor.”
“She seemed to take it rather well.”
“She did,” he confirmed. “There was someone else that she was interested in and
I think that having another interest always makes these situations easier.”
“And you?” asked Harry, sitting down on his bed and crossing his legs.
“What about me?” he responded, his heart rate increasing. He sat down next to
Harry and chanced a glance at him. The lad was chewing on his bottom lip.
“Is there someone else that you’re interested in pursuing?”
He ran a hand through his already tousled hair. He averted his eyes from
Harry’s inquisitive green ones.
“Perhaps,” he said evasively. “It’s complicated.”
“How so?”
“They don’t see me that way.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“I just do,” he said shortly, immediately feeling bad when Harry dropped his
gaze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. It’s just… it’s hard. Knowing that
there’s someone out there that you care so much about, but that you can’t
have.”
“I’m sure if you told her how you felt, she’d feel the same way.”
“It isn’t a ‘she,’” he replied before he could register what he was saying.
Harry’s eyes widened in surprise and he covered his face with his hands. There
was a long moment of silence and he could not take it anymore.
“I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you –” He trailed off as Harry grabbed his wrist.
“No, Lou, don’t go. I’m sorry, I was just surprised. I never… you never
seemed…”
“It never occurred to me either,” he murmured, looking at the ground.
“Louis, look at me, please,” pleaded Harry. He shook his head. “Please.”
He looked down at Harry, feeling his eyes fill with unshed tears. He did not
like feeling so vulnerable, least of all in front of Harry. Harry pulled him
down, wrapping him in his arms and even though Harry was much smaller than him,
he felt safe in the younger lad’s arms. He had a strong sense of déjà vu to
when Harry told him that he was gay and Louis held him while he cried. Still,
Louis felt wrong for showing this side of himself. He was the one who was
supposed to protect Harry and keep him safe when he was feeling sad or
confused, not the other way around. He was failing Harry again.
“Any person that you fancy would be lucky to have you, Lou,” whispered Harry,
stroking Louis’ hair softly. “You should never feel like you’re not good
enough.”
The entire situation was turned on its head. It truly felt like only yesterday
that he was the one holding Harry and comforting him. Now, a year later, here
they were and it completely overwhelmed him.
“How did you cope with realizing it, Haz?” whimpered Louis, tears running down
his cheeks.
No matter how often Harry wiped the tears from his cheeks, they kept flowing.
He hated the look that Harry was giving him – a look full of sadness and pity.
“It felt impossible,” said Harry honestly. “It felt like because being gay was
true that everything else I had been teased about was true as well. I felt like
I would never come to terms with who I was as a person. But…”
“But what?”
“You helped me through that. You helped me realize that I wasn’t any different
or any worse for fancying who I do. Eventually, I realized that those closest
to me would not treat me any differently and that if I could accept myself, it
would only become easier.”
His heart warmed at Harry’s words, but he felt like it would never be that
simple for him. Not when he fancied his best mate and said mate had no clue.
“I don’t know if I can do that, angel,” he said, rubbing his eyes. His energy
was fading from him.
“Why?” asked Harry softly.
He closed his eyes, humming slightly as Harry massaged his scalp. Moments like
this, he wanted to never end. He knew he could not make them last forever
though.
“It’s too hard…”
“I never said that it would be easy, Lou, but I’ll be by your side the entire
time, I can promise you that. Tell me what you need and I swear I’ll help you
unconditionally.”
He knew what he needed. He needed Harry, but he could not tell Harry that.
“I need to stay next to you,” he sighed, curling up further into Harry’s lap.
“Please don't let me go.”
“I won’t,” promised Harry. Harry brushed his fringe aside and planted a kiss on
his forehead. Louis’ eyes fluttered closed. “I promise that you’ll never feel
alone.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry watched Louis with a soft expression as the latter slept off his sudden
exhaustion. He continued to stroke Louis’ hair, his fingers gliding easily
through the soft, feathery locks. Despite the soothing action also relaxing
him, his mind was spinning with the unexpected nature of Louis’ earlier
outburst.
He never imagined that Louis could be anything other than straight. Louis had
made such a point to prove to everyone, including him, that he was straight so
that there would be no doubt in anyone’s mind. Perhaps that should have been
the first red flag.
Of course, Louis being gay or bisexual or anything else did not change Harry’s
feelings toward the lad. He still cared about him deeply and always would even
when Louis infuriated him with his propensity to speak before thinking about
the implications.
He could not help but wonder though if that day in the shower meant more for
Louis though than he let on. He shook his head. No, of course it did not. Just
because Louis fancies lads does not mean that he has any type of feelings like
that toward him.
He could not get the thought out of his mind though and as he looked down at
Louis’ calm, sleeping face, his eyes drawn like magnets to Louis’ parted lips.
He vaguely wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips and feel their
warmth on his own.
Stop it, he thought. You’re in a relationship. You can’t have these fantasies.
He had not realized that as these thoughts floated around his mind, he was also
drifting closer to Louis’ face until they were inches apart. He froze, about to
pull back before he did anything that he would regret, when Louis’ eyes slid
open.
Their icy blue depths met his own mossy ones and stared at him blankly.
“Hi,” Louis whispered, his voice thick with sleep.
“S-Sorry,” he murmured, going to pull back. However, Louis grabbed his neck and
held him in place. He swallowed.
“Please don’t go, Haz,” Louis begged, and he just shook his head.
“Lou, I can’t…”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything, Haz. Please… I just need to feel… I need to
feel cared about again.”
“But Niall…”
“Is still your boyfriend and you still care about him, right?” He nodded
hesitantly. “I’m not asking you to stop. Just… please, can you kiss me? I need
to be kissed.”
His heart was pounding in his chest. Moments ago he noted how inviting Louis’
lips looked and they still appealed to him, but he could not move. Would he be
cheating on Niall if the kiss did not mean anything more to the pair of them?
Could he just be there as a mate for Louis?
“I’m sorry for putting you in this position,” said Louis, going to sit up. “I
shouldn’t have –”
He gently pushed Louis back down. Louis stared up at him with wide eyes as he
pressed his hands to Louis’ cheeks.
“I promised that I would do anything to help you, Lou,” he whispered, his
thumbs stroking Louis’ still damp cheeks. “Just as mates, right?”
“R-Right,” breathed Louis.
Harry stared at him for a moment longer. Slowly, he lowered himself and
captured Louis’ lips between his own.
The kiss was soft and gentle with no sign of increased passion. He gently moved
his lips against Louis’, sucking on the latter’s bottom lip in a way that he
hoped was soothing. Louis’ lips reciprocated against his own, and tangled his
hands in his curls. He felt his pants growing slightly tighter beneath him, but
he ignored the feeling and simply kissed Louis. He knew that Louis needed to
feel cared for and he wanted to show that he cared about him more than anyone
else in the world.
Finally, he pulled away and saw that Louis’ eyes were still closed, his
breathing slightly uneven and ragged. He watched as Louis tried to compose
himself and did the same. Eventually, Louis opened his eyes and stared up at
him shyly.
“Thank you,” Louis said, softly. “I needed that more than I realized.”
“I think that I did too,” he said honestly. “It felt… it felt good.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
They were silent for an extended period of time. However, the silence was
comfortable and neither one felt the need to break it.
“Louis?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think… do you think that I should end things with Niall?”
Louis was silent and he glanced down at him to try and gauge his reaction. He
wore a troubled look on his face.
“You have to do what you think is best, angel,” Louis replied honestly, and
Harry’s heart fluttered at the age-old nickname. “Why are you considering
ending it?”
“I… I liked kissing you,” he admitted. “And if you did too… I wouldn’t mind
doing it again. I don’t think that’s fair to Ni, even if we are just friends.”
“I liked kissing you too,” said Louis so lowly that he almost missed it. “But I
can’t tell you what to do with Niall. I’ll support you either way, but I hope
that the kiss wasn’t a one-time thing either.”
He smiled lightly, gently pressing his lips against Louis’ again. He felt
something great turn in his stomach and felt addicted to these small acts of
affection already.
“Don’t worry. It won’t be.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
After his first kiss with Harry, Louis could not get his mind off of the boy.
If he thought that it was impossible to stop thinking about Harry before, he
had no idea.
Thankfully, he and Harry were closer than ever. Months had passed since that
day in Harry’s bedroom, and now they were only a month away from summer
vacation. They spent a lot of time during the past months in Louis’ room,
cuddled on his bed and sharing soft kisses with each other. For the most part,
it was perfect. He was getting closer to fully being with the boy that he
fancied.
However, there was still the issue of Niall. Harry had never decided what he
was going to do next. A large part of him wanted to tell Harry that he could
have more with him than Niall, but he refrained from doing so. He did not want
to scare Harry off by admitting his feelings and he did not want to jeopardize
the arrangement that they had going on between them.
Currently, the door was locked and they were making out on his bed. He was
resting between Harry’s thighs, running his hands through the latter’s curls
and pulling them in the way that he discovered Harry enjoyed. Harry let out a
particularly breathy moan as a reaction to his curls being tugged at again.
“Shit,” Louis groaned as Harry ground his crotch up against his own clothed
one. “H-Haz, fu –”
“Shhh,” Harry whispered, tugging Louis’ shirt over his head. He discarded it on
the floor in a rush and began kissing up Louis’ torso. “Is this okay?”
“It’s p-perfect…” He gasped when Harry licked and began sucking on his exposed
nipple. “W-Want more, angel. Want to touch you.”
Harry hesitated for a moment and Louis looked down at him.
“We can stop if it’s too much…” said Louis nervously, but Harry shook his head.
“No, it’s okay. I want this too, Lou. More than I probably should.”
“Yeah?” Harry nodded and Louis began fumbling with his belt. “H-Hurry, Lou.”
Louis pulled Harry’s trousers down and felt himself harden even more.
“Haz, why are you commando?” Harry flushed deeply.
“It’s more comfortable…” he said, avoiding Louis’ eyes. Louis placed his
fingers under Harry’s chin and forced him to look at him.
“It’s hot as fuck.” Harry turned an even deeper shade of red. “Where do you
want me to touch you, angel?”
“F-Finger me, Lou.”
“You’re sure?” Harry nodded desperately, so Louis reached over to his bedside
table for his bottle of lube. He had recently gone to the drugstore to pick
some up with the hope that he would need it in the near future and he was glad
that he had the foresight.
He coated his finger with a generous amount before he began teasing Harry’s
soft, pink hole. Gently, he guided one finger inside of him and began searching
for his spot.
“Louis,” Harry moaned, and Louis knew that he would never tire of hearing him
say his name in that way. “More, please.”
Louis inserted a second finger, moving the two in a scissoring motion. He began
hooking his fingers, searching deeper until he finally hit Harry’s prostate.
Harry threw his head back and let out a guttural moan that sent a course of
heat through Louis’ already sweaty and turned on body.
After adding a third finger, he began pumping them in and out of Harry rapidly.
He reveled in the noises that he was emitting from Harry and continued to hit
his spot repeatedly until he completely unraveled the boy beneath him. As he
continued to finger him, he began sucking Harry off. Within moments, he was
swallowing Harry’s liquids.
“Shit, Lou,” he moaned, his neck arched in a way that made Louis want to leave
marks all over it. He knew that he could not though without arising suspicion.
“Did that feel good, angel?”
“So good,” breathed Harry, rolling over and cuddling into Louis. “Why are you
still dressed? That’s sinful. You’re practically bursting out of your
trousers.”
Louis looked down and saw that in fact, Harry was correct. He watched as Harry
unbuttoned his trousers and slid them and his pants down to his ankles. He
kicked them off and cursed when Harry began pumping his hard length.
“Haz, you don’t have to –”
“I want to, Lou,” slurred Harry. “And you know what else?”
“What?” breathed Louis, practically falling unconscious.
“I want you.”
Louis came in Harry’s hand at those words and stared at the boy in shock. His
shock was mirrored in Harry’s expression, shock at the effect that his words
had on Louis.
“Y-You what?”
“I want you, Louis,” said Harry more confidently. “I want you more than I know
that I should, but I’m not afraid to admit it.”
Louis felt his heart soar, but tried to remind himself that Harry was horny and
only wanted him sexually. He did not reciprocate the same feelings that Louis
had for him. He had to remember that or else he would truly experience his
heart being pureed.
“I want you too, angel, but not like this,” groaned Louis, rubbing his eyes.
“What do you –?”
“Niall is still your boyfriend and what we’re doing is bad enough without
adding sex on top of it.” Harry was silent. “No, don’t think I mean – I love
what we’re doing, angel. But you have to admit that we’re walking a fine line
here and are justifying a lot.”
“I know,” said Harry, and Louis hated that he was the reason for his guilt. “If
I end things once and for all with Niall… would that change things between us?”
Louis swallowed, looking directly into Harry’s eyes.
“How do you mean ‘change?’”
“Would you want something more between us, Louis?”
This was his opportunity. He could say how he fancied Harry and yes, if he
broke up with Niall, he would want to be with him. There was still the part of
him that feared the hypothetical nature of this entire situation. What if Harry
did not want a relationship?
“Louis? Lou, are you okay?” asked Harry with concern.
“Y-Yeah, why do you ask?”
“You turned really pale. Are you sure that you’re okay?”
Louis felt slightly ill. He did not know why everything changed so rapidly, but
perhaps the seriousness of what they were doing and what could happen next
terrified him. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and he was
panicking just like the time that Harry tried to cut ties with him and he had
an anxiety attack.
“Louis… Louis!” cried Harry’s faint voice, snapping him out of his trance.
“Louis, breathe for me. Breathe for me, love.”
Harry’s term of endearment soothed him and his strokes across his chest relaxed
him further. His breathing was ragged, but Harry continued to whisper sweet
nothings in his ear to calm him down. It may not mean much to Harry, but it
meant the world to him.
“Lou, you’re going to be okay. Stay with me,” pleaded Harry, and Louis focused
on his breathing for Harry’s sake. He knew how panicked Harry got when this
happened.
“I-I’m… I’m okay,” he breathed after several moments. Harry continued to trace
calming circles on his chest.
“What happened then, Lou?” he asked, softly. “Why did you panic?”
“I care about you so much, Haz,” croaked Louis, his voice cracking. “I don’t
want anything to ruin our friendship. If I’m honest with you, will you promise
not to leave?”
“I promise,” said Harry, but Louis could see the worry lines appear on his
forehead. He took a deep breath.
“I’ve fancied you for a while Harry. Please, let me finish,” he said as Harry
went to respond. “I can’t even pinpoint when I started fancying you because I’m
pretty sure that I did before I even realized it myself. I’m also sure that
just about everyone knows.”
“Those notes for you that I left on your birthday were just the tip of the
iceberg. I didn’t just do that so that I could try and get your forgiveness. I
did that because I wanted you to know how special you are and so that you would
know how much you meant to me. I can’t imagine my life without you in it and
experiencing that was hell on Earth.”
“I know you’re with Niall and I know that you care about him. But if I’m
honest, I’ve seen you with him and it kills me because when I see the way he
looks at you because I know that I could care for you more than that. I always
have and I always will.”
Louis let out a shaky breath, glad to have finally gotten the entire thing off
his chest. He did not look at Harry, but he could feel his own breathing
quicken next to him.
“Why did you never tell me any of this before? Why did you stand by and let me
be with Niall when you felt this way about me?”
“I was afraid that I would ruin our friendship and that you would want nothing
to do with me anymore,” said Louis meekly. “I can learn to accept if you never
want to be with me, angel, but I could never accept not having you as a part of
my life.”
Louis was surprised when Harry swung his leg over him and straddled his hips.
Harry leaned down and captured his lips, gliding them gently together in a
careful way.
“I care about you too, Lou,” he whispered as they pulled apart. He placed his
forehead on Louis’. “I don’t know much beyond that, but I do know that I have
never felt the way that I do with you when I’m with Niall and I think that
speaks for itself.”
“So…?” Louis said, hopefully, and Harry laughed. He pecked Louis’ lips.
“So, I’m going to end things once and for all with Niall. If he truly cares
about me, he’ll understand that I can’t be with him anymore.”
Louis brought his and Harry’s lips crashing together in a moment of pure
passion. He licked Harry’s bottom lip and the boy opened willingly, allowing
Louis to search his mouth for whatever he was looking for. Their tongues
circled each other, dancing to their own beat as they ground their bare hips
against each other.
“Steady, Haz. You’ll make me hard again,” laughed Louis. Harry bit his lower
lip.
“Who says that wasn't the plan all along?”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry was truly nervous about ending things with Niall. A lot had changed about
him in the time that they had been boyfriends. Harry gained some more
confidence and he no longer was as insecure around the lad. However, he still
feared confrontation and did not know how Niall would take the seemingly abrupt
news.
The truth was that the guilt of stringing Niall along any further was eating
him alive. He felt something special for the lad, but not what he felt when he
was with Louis. Niall did give him a sense of security, but Louis made him feel
cared for and loved unconditionally. Even if they had never said anything of
the sort to each other, Harry knew that Louis would do anything for him and
that he would never abuse that power.
He twiddled his thumbs as he waited to meet with Niall after the final bell. He
did not exactly want to do this in school, but he also did not want to bring
the situation home. All in all, Harry decided that it was better to end things
here and now so that he could then go home with Louis.
Harry looked at his watch. In fact, Louis should be finishing up with the drama
club soon. Harry promised that he would meet him outside after he finished with
Niall.
“Hey, H,” came Niall’s chipper voice.
Harry turned as Niall rounded the corner fully and engulfed him in a hug. After
looking around quickly, the latter pecked him on the lips and then pulled back
with a grin.
“You ready to go?”
“Actually… I wanted to talk to you about something,” said Harry, playing with
the hem of his dress shirt.
He looked up and saw that Niall was looking at him with a calculating
expression.
“Erm… I really don’t know how else to do this other than come right out and say
it, but… I’m sorry Ni, I think that we need to break up.”
He watched as Niall’s head dropped and waited anxiously for some sign or
reaction. Unexpectedly, he drew his hand back and punched the locker right next
to Harry’s head. Harry recoiled in shock as Niall showed little sign of pain.
“Ni…”
“Don’t,” said Niall shortly. His hand was swelling rapidly and Harry could tell
that it was broken from the way that he could not flex his fingers. “Just
don’t.”
“I never wanted to hurt you, Ni,” Harry pleaded, keeping his distance
nonetheless. “I promise you, I care about you so much and I value our
friendship more than anything.”
“You finally realized his feelings for you, didn’t you?” said Niall lowly.
Harry’s blood ran cold.
“W-What?” Niall laughed coldly.
“I’m not an idiot, H. I told Tomlinson months ago that he should back off
because you deserved better, but I should have known that he wouldn’t care.
He’s put you through so much, but he can’t see past his infatuation with the
little boy he swore to protect.”
“Don’t talk about him like that,” snapped Harry, losing all sympathy he had for
Niall’s pain. “I’ve forgiven him for the past between us and hold no grudges
toward him.”
“You can’t even see what he’s done to you!” cried Niall. “You’re inside the
bubble, so you can’t see the damage that everyone on the outside is witness
to!”
“So that’s it, is it?” said Harry, his voice dropping dangerously low. “I’m
damaged goods to you?”
Remorse was immediate on Niall’s face and he tried to backtrack.
“No, H… I didn’t mean it like –”
“Save it. I should have known that’s how you saw me. That’s how everyone sees
me, yeah? Some damaged freak with scars that has become so used to being
everyone’s punching bag that I practically bend over upon request? Shove off,
Niall.”
“Harry –”
“Were we ever really friends?” Harry asked, tears forming in his eyes. “Or did
you just pity and think that you could fix me?”
“I always cared about you, H,” whispered Niall, avoiding the second question.
That was all the confirmation that Harry needed from him.
“Leave.”
Niall looked like he wanted to say more, but realized that it was a lost cause.
He slowly trudged away, walking out of the front doors with his head down low
and his left hand cradled gently in his right one.
Harry wiped his eyes as he watched him go. Moments later, he jumped when he
heard slow, exaggerated clapping behind him and spun around in fear.
“Excellent performance,” said Stan. Harry’s eyes grew wider in alarm. Stan,
Calvin, Oli and another lad that he did not know were approaching him. “You
really outdid yourself, f**.”
“Don’t call me that,” hissed Harry, sounding braver than he felt.
He had not seen Stan up close in months and as he got closer to him, he grew
more fearful for his safety. Stan looked crazy, deranged even and his friends
looked amused. He felt himself back up against a locker to try and get away
from them.
“I’ll call you whatever I want you, f****t,” snarled Stan. He pushed Harry up
against the locker and the latter let out a whimper. “So you do like it up the
arse then?”
“Please stop,” pleaded Harry, his eyes filling with more tears. Stan and his
mates just laughed at him.
“You’re pathetic,” he sneered. “I don’t know what Tomlinson sees in you, but I
do know that he’s just as dirty as you are. You made him a filthy f****t too.”
“Don’t talk about him that way!”
Harry was silenced by a swift punch to his gut. He let out a pained moan,
bending over in agony. He then felt someone grab his hair and slam his head
back into the locker.
“Come on, lads,” sneered Stan. “Let’s show f***y here how fun it really can be
to take it up the arse.”
Alarm bells started going off in Harry’s head, but a hand covered his mouth
briskly before he could scream. He tried kicking his way out as he was dragged
into the boys’ lavatory, but the four older lads combined were much stronger
than himself.
It was easily a group effort and one that they had thought out fairly well,
much to Harry’s disgust and horror. As one of them kept his hand over Harry’s
mouth, the other pulled his trousers and pants down and a third held him still.
Tears were streaming down his face as he looked up at Stan. The lad was leering
at him, tracing his fingers along Harry’s length in a way that made him feel so
dirty.
“My, oh, my. What ever will we do to you,” teased Stan, continuing to stroke
Harry’s length. He released it suddenly and unzipped his own trousers. “I bet
you’ve never seen a cock before, have you?”
Harry could not stop the tears from flowing. There was no way out of the
situation no matter how much he struggled and tried to free himself from the
grasp of the other lads. What was going to happen was scarier than anything
that he could have imagined.
“That’s okay,” said Stan, mockingly. “I’ll make sure to give it to you good.”
His one friend that was not restraining Harry continued to punch and kick him.
Harry tried to hang onto consciousness and fight back, but was growing weaker
with each blow to him. Stan then began touching Harry’s hole and Harry suddenly
bit the hand that had been held over his mouth. The other lad cursed and
retracted his hand, giving Harry the opportunity to let out an earthshattering
wail of distress.
“You little –”
Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood Louis, his eyes wild. As he took
in the scene, Harry swore he had never seen him look so angry as he lunged for
Stan. Unfortunately, Stan was too quick and he and his friends booked it out of
the lavatory.
Harry was full on sobbing now that he could let out a proper breath and felt as
though he was hyperventilating. He felt Louis run over to him and wrap his arms
around him frantically as the nurse and Headmaster Cowell came running inside.
“Oh, my word,” gasped the nurse. Headmaster Cowell’s eyes were wide in shock.
“I’m going to call the police, an ambulance and then Mrs. Styles,” he said, his
voice surprisingly steady. “In the mean time, take Mister Styles and Mister
Tomlinson to your office to wait.”
The nurse hurried over to him and helped Louis pull Harry’s pants and trousers
up. Harry kept his head down the entire time, but he could hear the nurse’s
soothing voice and Louis’ gentle sobs from beside him. He knew that Louis was
trying to contain himself for his sake, but the fact that he caused all of this
pain for him was worse than any of what he had gone through moments before
Louis burst in to save him from Stan.
“It’s going to be okay, Harry,” said the nurse kindly. He could hear the
shakiness in her voice. “Those boys aren’t going to get away with what they did
to you.”
Harry wanted to correct her and say that they never got to do what they had
planned on doing, but words failed him. He was so stunned and in a state of
shock that he hardly registered where they were going, let along what had truly
happened to him before.
Harry had no idea how long they sat in the nurse’s office for before his mother
and paramedics came rushing in to see him. His mother was beside herself with
grief, holding onto him, and he let her. He knew that she needed to know that
he was okay. So he simply sat there and let himself be examined by the
strangers who should not be seeing these parts of him.
He listened through their technical talk and gathered that they wanted to take
him into an ER for further testing. He would protest, but he felt that he had
nothing to say. Nothing that he said would make a difference in the grand
scheme of things. Not really.
“Angel, are you still with us?” came Louis’ soft voice. He felt Louis squeeze
his fingers and reciprocated the action, but did not response otherwise. There
was nothing to say to him or anyone else. Yes, he was still physically with
them, but his mind was somewhere else entirely.
“Sir, you have to step aside,” one medic said. “He has to leave now to be fully
examined.”
“Like hell. I’m going with him!”
“You’re not family, sir. Only his immediate family can come along –”
“Louis’ been like a brother to Harry his entire life,” came Anne’s voice from
somewhere. “He’s as much a part of this family as myself.”
“I understand, ma’am, but for legal reasons I cannot allow it.”
He heard hushed whispers and his mum promising Louis that she would call Jay to
pick him up from the school and bring her himself. Louis did not sound happy,
and Harry could not blame him. Louis was hardly just a brother to him.
But then they left and they insisted that Harry be wheeled out on a stretcher
even though he knew that his legs were perfectly fine. He did not want the fuss
and he certainly did not want the watchful eyes of his peers who were still on
school grounds.
He heard the whispers and the rumors begin and he heard Louis telling the lot
of them to sod off and quit talking about things out of their realm of
comprehension. He appreciated Louis’ bluntness. He would say the same if he was
that type of person. They did not understand what had happened to Harry.
Then again, neither did he.
***
~Louis’ POV~
Louis was waiting for Harry outside of the school as they had scheduled. He
knew that Harry was breaking things off with Niall today and had a bad feeling
about the entire situation. He felt that he should be nearby in case Harry
needed support – or someone to knock Niall’s lights out if he so much as hurt
Harry – but Harry insisted that he needed to do this on his own.
Louis glanced at the time on his phone. It had been twenty minutes since Harry
had been scheduled to go meet with Niall. Sure, Niall could have been running
late, but Louis doubted it. He never kept Harry waiting, so why start now when
he had nothing to suspect? He supposed that the conversation could be dragging
on, but how much could they really talk about after a certain point? He knew
that Harry wanted this to be over quick and easy, so he would not prolong the
break up.
Finally, after another five minutes, he decided to go inside and check on
Harry.
The corridors were practically deserted as he looked around for where Harry and
Niall could be. Louis began wandering toward the front office. Headmaster
Cowell should still be there and maybe he had seen where Harry was last.
He walked in without knocking and saw the headmaster speaking with the nurse.
Both adults turned to look at Louis with skeptical expressions.
“May I help you, Mister Tomlinson?” asked Headmaster Cowell severely.
Louis opened his mouth to ask if either had seen Harry when he heard a
deafening cry. He would recognize that voice anywhere and chills went down his
spine, his entire body going numb.
Without uttering a word, he booked it out of the office toward the source of
the wail. He heard footsteps behind him and could only assume that they were
following him, but he did not look back. His lungs were burning and his heart
was pounding in his ears.
Finally, he reached the first floor boy’s lavatory and swung open the door.
As he took in the scene, Louis saw red. Stan and three of his mates had Harry
pinned down with his trousers and pants around his ankles. He could see what
Stan was planning on doing and he swore in that moment, he could easily kill
Stan with his own bare hands. Without hesitation, he lunged for Stan, but the
latter was too quick for him. The coward and Louis’ other former friends dashed
out of the lavatory.
Louis immediately turned back to Harry and his heart broke at the sight. He was
curling in on himself and was having difficulty breathing. Tears filled Louis’
eyes at the sight of his poor angel wrecked again and knowing that there was
nothing he could do to erase what had been about to happen if he had not burst
in when he had.
Realizing that he was still standing in the same place, he ran over to Harry
and wrapped his arms around him as the nurse and Headmaster Cowell came running
inside. He paid them no mind though and tried to get Harry to calm down.
“Oh, my word,” he heard the nurse gasp.
“I’m going to call the police, an ambulance and then Mrs. Styles,” said
Headmaster Cowell, his voice surprisingly steady. “In the mean time, take
Mister Styles and Mister Tomlinson to your office to wait.”
The nurse hurried over and helped Louis pull Harry’s pants and trousers up. The
entire time, Louis tried whispering soothing words to Harry, but Harry kept his
head down the entire time. The true horror of the entire situation was finally
hitting Louis. He was trying to be strong for Harry’s sake, but he could not
dial back the small sobs that he was emitting.
“It’s going to be okay, Harry,” Louis heard the nurse say kindly. There was no
mistaking the quiver in her voice. “Those boys aren’t going to get away with
what they did to you.”
Like hell they won’t. Louis would make sure of that if he ever saw them again.
Harry stayed mute and Louis was growing more worried by the minute. He refused
to acknowledge their presence and he had no idea what was going to happen. He
had heard of people going into shock before, but seeing it firsthand was
petrifying.
They finally reached the nurse’s office and sat there for at most fifteen
minutes before Anne came running in with tears streaming down her face. She
immediately ran over to Harry and Louis stepped aside to give them room. He
wanted to tell her that Harry was in a state right now and that holding onto
him for dear life would not tether him to the ground and stop him from drifting
away, but he remained silent.
What made Louis extremely uncomfortable were the paramedics surrounding Harry.
He looked away out of respect for Harry during the entire examination. Sure, he
had seen it all before, but not under these circumstances. He knew that Harry
hated people seeing more of his body than was socially acceptable to display,
but there was no avoiding their invasion of his privacy. No one had any idea
how much or how little Stan and his mates had done to him. The thought alone
sent a wave of nausea through Louis.
The technical talk of the paramedics went over his head entirely. However, when
they said that Harry would need to go in for more testing, Louis immediately
returned to Harry’s side. He took Harry’s hand in his own and gave it a
hopefully calming squeeze.
“Angel, are you still with us?” he asked softly. Louis did not expect a
response, but was surprised when Harry squeezed his fingers in return. The
action should have relieved him, but made him even more sad. He should be able
to be there for Harry, but the curly haired lad was shutting him out.
“Sir, you have to step aside,” one medic said. “He has to leave now to be fully
examined.”
“Like hell,” said Louis rudely. He looked the man straight in the eye. “I’m
going with him!”
“You’re not family, sir. Only his immediate family can come along –”
Louis opened his mouth to retort, but Anne interfered before he could get
himself into any trouble.
“Louis’ been like a brother to Harry his entire life,” she said. “He’s as much
a part of this family as myself.”
Louis appreciated her words and Anne sticking her neck out for him, but he knew
that he was more than a brother to Harry. He knew that and Harry knew that and
more than anything he wanted Harry to tell these jackasses that he wanted Louis
next to him.
“I understand, ma’am, but for legal reasons I cannot allow it.”
Louis ran a hand over his face in frustration and pinched the bridge of his
nose. He nodded as Anne told him that she would call Jay to pick him up from
the school and bring her himself.
“Thank you, Anne,” he said gratefully, but through gritted teeth all the same.
They took Harry out on a stretcher and Louis wanted to scream. The attention
that it would draw to him was the type that Harry would want to avoid. There
were still students lingering outside of the school and the whispers and
staring had already begun.
“OI!” snapped Louis, and heads turned his way. “Sod off, will you? Quit making
up shit that you don’t understand.”
The groups quickly filed out of there, no one wanting to mess with Louis when
he was clearly angry. They were smart. He would surely deck the next person who
said something disparaging or untrue about Harry.
He sat on a bench and waited for his mother to come. It did not take long and
when she did, there were tears in her eyes. She hugged him tightly and promised
him that everything would be okay, but he found himself having a difficult time
believing her.
All he wanted was to be with Harry. He practically forced Harry’s hand in
ending things with Niall and all he had gotten in return was being sexually
assaulted. None of this would have happened if it had not been for Louis and he
was fully aware of the fact that Harry’s life always goes up in flames whenever
he is around him.
And he did not know if he could deal with that for much longer.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry was forced to stay in the hospital even after they had concluded the
screenings and tests to see if he was hurt. It was approaching nighttime and
the only people who had been inside of his room to see him were the nurses and
his mum and sister. His father was out of town at the moment, but he called
Harry and promised that he would return as quickly as he could to see him.
Harry did not say anything to that and Anne took the phone afterwards and spoke
to Des in a low voice outside.
He knew that Louis was outside in the waiting room with Jay. He heard him
outside of his room begging to come inside and see him, but he was turned away.
He felt guilty for not fighting for Louis’ right to come in and see him, but
Louis was the last person that he wanted to see. Not because he was angry with
him, but because he was ashamed of everything that had happened and he did not
want Louis to blame himself.
“How are you feeling, Mister Styles?” asked one of the nurses.
Harry glanced at her for a short moment, taking in her appearance, before
looking away again. She had soft, blonde hair that was pulled back into a
ponytail and a thick accent. She wore a kind smile that told him that she was
used to seeing people in his position and worse, and that she took these people
under her wing. Harry did not want anyone’s pity or sympathy though. He just
wanted to be left to himself for the night.
“I brought you some pudding,” she said, and he saw her walk over to his side
out of the corner of his eye. “Don’t tell anyone though. Technically, it’s only
supposed to be for the patients who can’t swallow harder food.”
He glared at his hands. Why was she doing this and being so kind to him? He
heard her sigh.
“If you tell me to sod off, I won’t take offense. You certainly wouldn’t be the
first one.” He frowned at that. “People here have been dealt a raw deal. I
don’t hold any of their anger against me. It would make my job a lot more
difficult if I did. Of course, getting close to them isn’t any easier, but I’ve
never been brilliant at compartmentalizing.”
She extended her hand to give him the pudding and he took it hesitantly. He
went to rip off the top and saw that his fingers were trembling. He was
grateful that she did not offer to help him though. He did not think that he
could stand the humiliation of that.
Finally, he ripped it open and took a small spoonful. She let out a noise of
content.
“Do you mind if I ask you something?” she said, softly.
Harry did not respond, but he also did not discourage her from asking what was
on her mind. Her chatter was surprisingly growing on him and distanced him from
his own thoughts that would not stop echoing in his mind.
“There’s a boy out there, close in age to you, who has been close to tears for
the past two hours.” Harry bit his lip. “He keeps saying that he should be
allowed in, but no one is budging because you haven’t given the okay to let him
in.”
Harry did not look up, but arched an eyebrow as if to ask her what her question
was for him. She sighed lightly.
“Why are you keeping him at arm’s length?”
Harry just shook his head. He did not need to explain himself to the nurse who
he had just met. Hearing that Louis was upset outside did not surprise him, but
he also knew that if he saw him upset in here that it would be a million times
worse for both of them.
“I’ll let you get some rest,” the nurse said finally. “If you need anything, my
name is Nurse Edwards and I’ll be on duty for the rest of the night.”
She left afterwards and Harry watched the swing of her ponytail as she went.
Finally, the door closed and he was left alone again. His solitude was short-
lived though.
“Harry,” said Gemma, coming inside and sitting next to him loudly. He cringed,
curling in on himself. Her face softened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten
you.”
He just shook his head and looked back at his hands. His cuticles were bleeding
from how much he had picked at them. The pain that they were giving him helped
to distract him from the more permanent pain. She quickly pulled his nails away
from them.
“Don’t do that,” she said, her voice cracking. She reached over for some wipes
and began cleaning off the dried blood. “Please Harry, don’t hurt yourself
again.”
He watched her hands move across his own as she cleaned them. More guilt seeped
into him for causing his sister pain and he felt a stinging in his eyes against
his will. He was surprised that he could even produce more tears at this point.
He felt Gemma pull him into her arms and rock him and he let it all out. He
cried for all the pain he had felt and all the pain that had been directed at
him. He cried because he felt so dirty and could not look anyone in the eye
because he was afraid that they would see how broken he was from all that he
had endured. He cried because he wished that he had never been born because
maybe then he would have saved everyone so much pain and chaos. But mostly, he
cried because the person he cared about the most was the person that he hurt
the most by pushing him away out of fear that he would only cause him more
pain.
“You need to let Louis in to visit you, little bro,” said Gemma, stroking his
hair. “He’s going mad out there and I know that he’s blaming himself for
everything that has happened to you.”
Harry shook his head rapidly. He knew that Louis would think that, but he was
at no fault. He wanted to badly to tell him that, but he could not get the
words out. Gemma seemed to realize his struggle and bit the inside of her lip.
“Would it help you if I asked mum to bring up your iPad?” Harry looked at his
sister questioningly. “That way you can write out your thoughts if you’re not
ready to verbalize them quite yet?”
Harry’s eyes lit up with possible hope and hugged Gemma. She took that to be
confirmation and returned the hug gently. She eventually pulled away from him.
“I’ll be back,” she said, standing up. “Should I tell the nurses that you would
like Louis to come in for a little bit?”
Harry bit his lip. He knew that he could not avoid Louis forever, but the
thought of seeing him set him on edge. He wanted so badly to say no to Gemma,
to tell her that he was not ready to see the beautiful boy, but instead he
nodded. He nodded and he felt like his body had taken control of him separate
from what his mind wanted.
Gemma was not gone for long. The hospital was close to their home, so Anne was
able to run back and grab Harry’s iPad for him. Less than fifteen minutes
later, Gemma came back and handed the screen to him. He glanced up at her and
smiled weakly.
“You’re welcome,” she said, understandingly. “Louis is outside, if you’re
ready?”
Harry bit his lip, but nodded. He busied himself with the iPad, opening the
“Notes” application so that he could tinker around with it and use it whenever
he felt ready.
He heard footsteps that came to a halt moments later. He could hear Louis’
ragged breathing and kept his eyes trained on the iPad. He knew that if he
looked up that he would be met with Louis’ helpless stare that was a mixture of
pity, guilt and pain.
“Haz,” Louis breathed, sitting down on the chair next to him that Gemma had
previously occupied. “How are you?”
Harry let out a shaky breath, his hands trembling at Louis’ soft voice. He
hated everything about how he felt in that moment. He should not be afraid to
be around Louis, but his body was betraying him and he felt like the air was
slipping out of the room.
“Please, angel, just breathe for me. It’s going to be okay… y-you know? You’re
going to be okay and – and so will we. I p-promise.”
Harry covered his face with his hands. He wanted it to stop. He just wanted all
of this to stop so that Louis could go back to being himself and not someone
who felt that he needed to be strong for Harry’s sake.
“What can I do to make this easier for you, Haz? Tell me, please. If you want
me to leave, I’ll go. I don’t want to make you upset.”
Harry tried to steady his breathing and focus on managing that for several
moments. He felt the oxygen returning to him and heard the scrape of a chair
that indicated that Louis was standing up to leave. Without thinking, he
reached out and grabbed Louis’ wrist to keep him tethered to the spot. He felt
Louis freeze and chanced a glance at him. He regretted doing so though when he
saw how worn out Louis looked.
His normally bright, blue eyes were weary and red-rimmed, indicating that he
had been crying for an extended period of time. His hair was haphazard,
standing up at odd angles like it always did when he repeatedly ran his hands
through it, aggravated.
But what struck Harry the most was how small he looked. Normally, Louis was
bigger than life for Harry. He had such a huge and loud personality that he
easily filled the room up and despite his naturally small stature, he had the
presence of a 6’5” man. Now, he looked as though he could curl in on himself
and disappear and Harry hated being the reason for his smallness and all of the
pain in his normally stunning eyes.
Harry shook his head at him and Louis understood. He sat back down next to
Harry and readjusted so that he was now holding Harry’s hand mutually. He
offered the curly haired boy a small smile, which made Harry’s heart flutter.
“As long as you want me here, I’m not leaving your side, angel.”
Harry swallowed and glanced at the iPad. He then placed it on the table and
looked back to Louis.
“Please stay by me.”
Louis smiled wider, his eyes crinkling by the sides in the way that Harry
adored.
“Always.”
***
Given the trauma that he had been through and that the year was coming to a
close, Harry was granted the permission to not return to regular classes for
the remainder of the year. Of course, he still had to complete his work, so he
had his lesson plans delivered to him by one of the school’s administrators.
He was going slightly stir crazy being home all of the time, but he was
slightly relieved that he would not have to return to school and face the
watchful eyes of his peers. He had forced Louis to tell him about whether they
knew what had happened and Louis had admitted that word spread quickly despite
him trying to quell the rumors and gossip. Harry appreciated the effort, but
had expected the attention from the beginning.
Through everything, Louis had kept his promise and stayed by his side. They had
not spoken any more about what they could or would be and Louis did not push
the matter, which Harry was grateful to him for. He wanted to experience a
future with Louis, but right now he needed to focus on one day at a time and
keeping one foot in front of the other. When he was not keeping up with his
studies, he was forced to see a psychiatrist. Anne insisted that she should
have had him go to one years ago and that the recent “development” forced her
hand, but Harry felt no more comfortable talking to a stranger about everything
he felt and went through than he did with his own family.
His psychiatrist could not have been nicer though. She was a middle-aged woman
with a son close in age to him who was also gay, as coincidences would have it.
Both her son and Harry shared similar struggles coming to terms with who they
are as people and hearing that someone else went through that rough transition
was somewhat refreshing.
Now, Harry was spending his first day of freedom – he had finally convinced his
mum to let him go out and get some fresh air – at the park on the swings that
held many memories for him. He heard the crunch of gravel and looked up with a
light smile.
“Hey Lou,” he whispered, swinging back and forth with the tip of his toes.
“Hello angel,” grinned Louis, sitting down next to him. “I have some good
news.”
“Yeah?” said Harry perking up. “I could always use some of that.”
“I’ll get to it then. Stan and his cronies were expelled and are facing legal
action!”
Harry stared at Louis as the latter waited for some reaction out of him. When
Harry did not say anything, Louis frowned in confusion.
“What’s wrong? I thought you would be relieved.”
“Relieved? Yeah,” replied Harry, digging his foot into the ground. “Happy? No.”
“They deserve it, Har –”
“I know that,” said Harry shortly. “And I’m glad that there’s a real chance
that they won’t be able to hurt anyone else, but I’m not happy to see someone’s
life completely ruined. No matter how horrible Stan treated me, he’s still a
person and he was once your best mate. He meant something to you and must have
had some good qualities.”
“Hardly,” said Louis grumpily, but Harry shook his head.
“He’s still someone’s son,” reasoned Harry, and Louis looked over at him. “Some
mother and father could lose their son and I know that I shouldn’t blame
myself, but I still do. If I hadn’t been so –”
“Stop it,” said Louis roughly. “Don’t you dare put yourself down and justify in
any way what those arseholes did to you.”
“Louis –”
“No. Mr. and Mrs. Lucas may see their son locked up somewhere, but he deserves
it. What if I hadn’t been there to scare them off? Then what? They would have
–”
Harry was choking on tears and nearly missed Louis stop talking until he felt
Louis wrap his arms around his shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” whispered Louis, stroking his hair. “I didn’t mean to make you
upset. I just – I don't want you to ever think that you deserved any of that,
angel. You never did and never will, please believe that.”
“Why do you even like me?” sobbed Harry, clinging onto Louis’ shirt. “I’m such
a mess and all I do is cause you pain. You could fancy anyone, so why fancy
me?”
“Look at me, angel,” said Louis, bringing Harry’s chin up so that they could
meet each other’s gaze. “There was never anyone else that I was interested in
besides you. I was stumbling in the dark with an empty heart and it took me a
long time to realize it, but I did and there’s no going back now. I’ve made so
many mistakes when it comes to treating you right, but the best decision I ever
made was falling for my best mate.”
Harry’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as he continued to stare at Louis. His
heart was pounding in his chest as he moved forward a fraction of an inch. He
continued moving closer, close enough to count Louis’ eyelashes on both of his
eyes. He heard Louis have an intake of breath.
“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with because you feel
as though you have to return any feelings, Haz,” breathed Louis. Harry just
shook his head.
“I don’t feel like I have to do anything. Being around you is easy… the way
that it should be.”
Harry closed the space between them, bringing their lips together sweetly.
Louis’ lips immediately responding, moving against his own in a gentle and
soothing motion. He brought his hand to Louis’ hair, gently scratching his
scalp and eliciting a light moan from the boy. The sound was beautiful to
Harry’s ears and one that he had missed in the weeks that he had been holding
himself back from Louis. He felt safe around Louis and he wanted the boy to
know that more than anything else in the world.
Finally, the pair pulled away so that they could take a long, overdue breath.
“I’ve missed that,” said Louis honestly, bringing his forehead to Harry’s own.
“I have too,” Harry replied. “I want to be with you, Lou. I’m not sure how to
be yet and it’s going to take some time, but I do want to be with you more than
anything.”
“I’m glad,” smiled Louis, taking Harry’s hand in his own. “Because I have no
intention of going anywhere.”
“You’re such a goof,” laughed Harry.
“Yeah, but I’m your goof, right?” teased Louis, swiping Harry’s growing fringe
off of his forehead.
“My goof,” thought Harry dryly. “Has a nice ring to it.”
“Shut it, you dork.”
“Goof and dork?” snorted Harry. “A lethal combination.”
“The dream team.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
“I could get used to this,” Louis breathed.
“What exactly?” asked Harry, leaning on his elbow to look Louis in the eye.
The pair of them was laying on Louis’ bed listening to Louis’ stereo. Summer
had finally arrived and that meant that they could spend as much time as they
wanted together. Naturally, that translated to every waking moment. Right now,
Harry was waiting for a response, but previously had his head resting on his
bare chest as he, Harry, traced figure eights across his stomach. Louis had
been fighting the urge to giggle like an idiot.
“Being with you doing absolutely nothing,” replied Louis with a lazy smile on
his face. “We never get these moments anymore and I love them the most.”
“Yeah?” said Harry, smiling goofily. He gently kissed Louis’ lips before
pulling away and looking him in the eye again. “I like these moments too.”
Photograph by Ed Sheeran suddenly came on and Harry hummed in approval.
“I adore this song,” he said.
“Sing it for me?” asked Louis. Harry looked uncertain. “Please, angel? You know
that I love your voice.”
Harry conceded eventually, joining in with the beautiful voice of the musician
just in time for the chorus, which in Louis’ opinion was the best part of the
song.
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home
Louis could not take his eyes off of Harry. The way he was glowing, bathed in
the sunlight that was pouring through Louis’ window gave the illusion that his
curls were on fire. Louis swore that he could see a fiery halo, making Harry a
true angel.
Hm, we keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still
Louis could listen to Harry sing for hours. The way his eyes closed, so
passionate about doing the words justice. The way his lips formed so perfectly
around each word so that they were perfectly articulated for him to hear amazed
Louis.
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
And if you hurt me
That's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I wont ever let you go
Wait for me to come home
Louis moved forward and captured Harry’s lips in his own. They tasted every
part of each other, their hands reaching for the other’s hair so that they
could feel closer. The taste of Harry’s lips on his own – lemonade, thanks to
the chapstick that he had bought – drove him crazy. He never wanted to break
apart for air, but eventually they had to come up to breathe, listening to the
end of the song as they caught their breaths.
When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
"Wait for me to come home."
Louis held Harry closer to him, planting a kiss on the top of his head.
“I adore this song too.”
***
“Louis!”
Louis stirred from his relaxing slumber. He and Harry had fallen asleep shortly
after the song had finished, cuddled up in each other’s arms. He glanced down
and saw that the boy was still fast asleep, slight snores emitting from him.
Louis smiled fondly at the peaceful boy until he remembered the reason that he
woke up in the first place.
He got up gradually so that he would not disturb Harry and closed the door
behind him. He walked downstairs, running a hand through his hair and was
greeted by his mum.
“What are you up to?” Jay asked him with a quizzical expression.
“Haz and I were sleeping,” Louis replied, easily. Jay fixed him with a look.
“What?”
“You two have seemed awfully close lately.” Louis stared at her.
“We’ve been close for the past fifteen years, mum. Not a whole lot has
changed.”
That was a lie. Everything had changed and everything was perfect now.
“Right,” said Jay dryly, but chose to drop the subject.
Louis’ lips pressed firmly into a line.
“Is there something that you need me for…?”
“Anne came over to let me know that we’re invited for dinner tonight –”
“Is that all?” said Louis incredulously. Jay shushed him.
“Let me finish.” She adopted a more solemn expression. “Des will be joining
us.”
Louis swallowed. Now he knew why his mum had called him downstairs.
Although Des has been a part of Harry and Gemma’s life since he and Anne
divorced when Harry was seven, there has been a bit of a tumultuous
relationship between him and his son. Louis remembered the day that Harry found
out about the divorce as though it was yesterday.
-Flashback-
“Harry! Harry!” called nine-year-old Louis, climbing up the fire escape. He
knocked on Harry’s window excitedly. They were finished with school for the
week and they were planning on having a sleepover at Harry’s house that night.
The window was unlocked as usual, so Louis let himself into Harry’s room. Harry
never minded when he did that as long as he announced himself. One time he did
not and Harry let out the highest scream that Louis had ever heard that sent
the other three Styles running in panicked. Sufficed to say, Louis never made
that mistake again.
“Harry, I’m here,” said Louis cheerfully.
When he did not receive a response, he frowned. Then, after hearing a sniffle,
he turned around and saw that Harry was curled up in a ball next to his bed and
nightstand.
“Harry, what’s wrong?” asked Louis, hurrying over to him. He wrapped Harry in
his arms and felt the boy shaking. “Are you hurt? Should I call Anne –?”
Harry shook his head rapidly.
“N-No, don’t!” he begged, his wide, doe-eyes filling with more tears.
That is when Louis heard the screams.
“Why are you doing this to them?” he heard Anne scream. “You know how sensitive
Harry is – he’ll think this is his fault! Why do you insist on ignoring the
reality?”
“Ignoring the reality? You know for a fact that we don't work anymore. I’m
being realistic!” Des yelled back at her.
“Realistic? That’s what you’re calling throwing away something that’s broken?
What ever happened to trying to fix a marriage rather than condemning it?”
“This was a long time coming, Anne. You know that as well as I do!”
The shouts continued and Louis held Harry tightly for the entire night.
Eventually, Louis insisted that they spend the night in his room so that Harry
could escape the screaming. He even asked his mum and got permission to have
Gemma stay over as well. The entire night he spent comforting both Styles’, but
especially Harry because he was taking the news the hardest since he could not
understand what he had “done wrong.”
-End Flashback-
Louis knew that Anne had never forgiven herself for breaking the news to her
children in that way, but Harry had long since forgiven her. However, there was
no escaping the pain that he felt about growing up without his father in the
house. A part of him always blamed himself, remembering his mother’s words
about how he is sensitive and she was not wrong. Louis did his best to convince
him that being sensitive was not a fault, but the world seemed to keep
reminding him that it would be his greatest weakness.
“Why?” asked Louis hoarsely. Jay fixed him with a sad look.
“He is trying to make up for lost time and after everything that happened this
year… well, he says that he wants to be there for his children.”
“Like hell. He’s feeling guilty and he should. He missed a lot of moments
because he didn’t try to fix what went wrong with his marriage.”
Jay fixed him with a stern look.
“That’s not your call to make, Louis William Tomlinson. Do not intrude in that
family’s business, do you hear me? You should have never overheard that
conversation.”
“It’s not exactly my fault now, is it? Haz and Gems should have never found out
the way that they did, but here were are, eight years later.”
“You’ll behave yourself tonight,” Jay said, sternly. “Do you understand me?”
“Yes, mum,” he muttered, rubbing his socks on the old, worn rug.
“Good. Now go wake Harry up. The two of you should go get ready so that you’re
freshened up for tonight. Dinner is at six o’clock.”
Louis trudged back up to his room and opened the door again. Harry was still
asleep in the same position that Louis had left him earlier. He did not want to
have to wake Harry up with this news, but let out a soft sigh and gently shook
his shoulder.
“Angel, you have to wake up,” he said, his stomach twisting with nerves.
“Mhm, just five more minutes,” Harry groaned, rolling over. Louis would have
laughed and rolled his eyes in any other situation. The joy of the day was
lost.
“I’m sorry Haz, you can’t sleep any longer. We’re all having dinner tonight and
you have to get ready.”
Harry opened one eye and smiled sleepily at Louis. The sight made the latter’s
heart melt.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Louis nodded, his heart pounding. “But… erm – your father is joining
us.”
Harry’s cute smiled immediately melted off of his face. He sat up in bed,
rubbing his bleary eyes and fixing Louis with an unhappy stare.
“What are you talking about?” he demanded. Louis swallowed.
“My mum called me down and told me that your dad was joining us for dinner at
six tonight.” He glanced over at the clock and saw that it was nearing four
o’clock. “I’m sorry, angel, I know –”
Harry just shook his head and stood up. He pulled on his trousers that he had
opted to take off earlier due to the heat in Louis’ room that had no air
conditioner. He said nothing as he tied up his laces and ran a hand through his
bedhead.
“Please, speak to me, Harry.”
“There’s nothing to say, Lou,” replied Harry shortly. Louis was glad to hear
his nickname that indicated that Harry was in fact not upset with him. “My
father is coming for dinner. He’s probably trying to clear his conscience or
something, so I’ll let him.”
“Y-You’ll what?”
“I’ll let him,” repeated Harry shortly, standing up and avoiding Louis’ stare.
He grabbed his phone off of Louis’ nightstand. “He’ll feel better, I’m sure
that my mum will feel better and we can all just go on with our lives like
normal, yeah?”
“You won’t feel better,” Louis stressed, grabbing Harry’s hand before he could
leave. Harry finally looked at him.
“It’s not really about me, is it?” he said, sadly. “Not really.”
“It should be.” Harry smiled, but it did not reach his eyes.
“I’ll see you in a few hours, Lou.” He stood on his toes and kissed Louis.
Before Louis could register the kiss though or respond in any way, Harry was
out the door.
Tonight was going to be hell.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry’s stomach had been twisting in knots for the past two hours as he
prepared for the dinner. When he got home, his mum had tried to run
interference, but he just brushed her off and said that he was going upstairs
to take a shower.
Once he had stepped under the hot water, he placed his head on the cool tile
wall. Taking several deep breaths, he tried to compose himself.
He and his father had their issues. Sure, Des would come around to visit, but
he and Harry were not close like they used to be. Harry did not feel like he
owed Des much and hardly spoke about himself because the latter never showed
any interest in learning.
After the water had gone long cold, Harry hurriedly washed himself and stepped
outside into his bedroom. He had his towel wrapped around his head, nothing on
his lower half when he heard a tap on the window. He rolled his eyes, knowing
exactly who it was on the other side.
“I’m starting to think that you do this now just to get a good look,” Harry
said, walking over to let Louis inside.
Louis flushed, averting his eyes from Harry’s bare lower half.
“I – I didn’t –”
“It’s okay, Lou,” Harry teased, offering a small smile. “I’m not nervous or
uncomfortable around you.”
“Good,” breathed Louis. “I don’t ever want you to be. You’d tell me if you were
though, right?”
“Right,” nodded Harry. He stepped closer to Louis. “Are you going to kiss me,
or am I going to have to throw myself at you?”
“Don’t you want to put on –?”
“Not particularly.” He saw Louis’ Adam’s Apple pulse as he swallowed thickly.
Louis closed the distance between them, pulling Harry’s body flush against his
own. Harry let out a moan as he felt his length rub against Louis’ leg and
grinded slightly, creating more friction between them.
“Shit, Harry –” gasped Louis, as Harry removed his lips and began peppering
Louis’ neck with kisses. “F-Fuck.”
Just as Harry felt himself begin to harden, he pulled back, admiring how
flushed he made Louis. He could not believe that he had done that to the older
boy.
“I think you’re trying to kill me,” said Louis faintly. Harry smiled more
genuinely.
“Quite possibly. I’m not ruling out a murder-suicide given the way that you
make me feel.” Louis turned bright red, much to Harry’s delight.
“Get dressed,” he croaked, and Harry laughed. He watched as Louis sat down on
his bed, his shorts much tighter than they were previously.
Harry began dressing, bending over more times than necessary when he could feel
Louis’ gaze on him. He enjoyed teasing the boy for some unexplainable reason.
He knew that Louis would never make the first move without being prompted, so
he had no worries when around him like they currently were.
“Bloody finally,” Louis let out a breath once Harry was dressed. “You’re
killing me, Haz.”
Harry combed through his hair, styling it to his liking. He glanced at Louis’
reflection in the mirror.
“What do you mean?” he asked, innocently. Louis growled at him.
“Don’t play me, Haz. You know what your arse does to me.”
Harry playfully wiggled it in his tight jeans and laughed as Louis closed his
eyes.
“My, someone is horny tonight.”
“I can’t help it. You have that effect on me.” Harry rolled his eyes again.
“Steady. Try and bring yourself down, we have to meet the others soon.”
As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Louis glanced out the window. Harry saw him
frown and his butterflies resumed. Louis had been a lovely distraction until he
remembered why they were all having dinner together tonight.
“Hey,” said Louis, standing up and making his way over to him. “It’s going to
be okay, yeah? I’ll be next to you the entire time for moral support. Nothing
bad will happen.” He wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist.
“I’m having trouble believing that,” whispered Harry. “Not that you’ll be by my
side… the last part.” Louis bit his lip.
“We’ll handle it,” was all he said, kissing Harry’s temple. “We always do,
right?”
Harry nodded, slipping out of Louis’ grasp to kiss him once more.
“Come on. They’ll be waiting for us.”
***
Harry is on edge from the moment that he gets off of the staircase and his feet
hit the ground floor. He sees his father sitting in the den talking with Jay
and Gemma and he stops short, his mind drawing a blank. He is moments away from
breaking into a cold sweat when he feels Louis’ hand ghost the small of his
back and give him the confidence that he needs to go forward.
He looks up at Louis quickly and the taller boy gives him a soft smile.
I’ll be next to you, Louis mouthed to him, and he nodded.
He walked over to join the trio, their heads turning to greet them as they did.
“Hello Harry,” said Des, standing up in acknowledgement.
“Hi dad,” said Harry quietly. The two of them stood there looking at each
other. It was as though they had not seen each other in years, but the reality
of the matter was that they were emotionally miles apart.
His father offers him a tentative smile, which Harry returns before going and
sitting down across from him on the love sofa. Louis joins him and the group
resumes their mindless chatter. After several minutes, Des turns to Harry.
“How did the rest of your studies finish, son?” he asked Harry curiously.
Harry cleared his throat unnecessarily. He focused on maintaining eye contact.
“They went well. I was able to keep in line with the rest of my year, so I’ll
have no problem returning this autumn and focusing on my GCSE’s.”
“Excellent,” replied Des, bringing his hands together. “And your mates? How are
they?”
Truthfully, Harry did not know. Niall had attempted to reach out to him several
times after the incident, but Harry had nothing to say to him. Right now, Niall
was his ex and although he bore no ill will toward him, he could not just go
back to being friends. He also knew that Niall would ask him about what
happened with Stan, having no sense of filter or ability to detect discomfort,
and Harry was not ready for that conversation.
As for Ed and Josh, he had spoken with them a few times. They had not brought
up what happened to him, for which he was grateful, and they said that when he
was feeling up to it that he should join them for some more jamming sessions.
Perhaps when he was ready to see Niall again he would agree to that.
“They’re good,” said Harry, not too guilty about lying because they very well
could be. “Glad that the summer has arrived.”
“I bet. It’s been a long year for everyone.” Harry nodded non-committedly.
Thankfully, the conversation was re-directed toward Gemma and Harry was able to
let out a breath. He had not been grilled as hard as he expected, so that was
something.
“Are you okay?” Louis whispered in his right ear. Harry fought to contain the
shiver that threatened to overtake him. He nodded slightly. “Do you want to see
if your mum needs help?”
“Yeah,” he breathed, softly. The pair of them stood up and left the room,
entering the kitchen where Anne was putting the finishing touches on her
lasagna.
“Hello boys,” she said, cheerfully. The smile that she adorned did not quite
meet her eyes and Harry wrapped his arms around her. She patted his head
gently, kissing his forehead. “Are you okay, love?”
“Yeah, just wanted to see if you needed any help. Do you?” he asked almost
pleadingly, and Anne seemed to understand, her eyes turning sad.
“If the two of you could set the table that would be lovely.”
“On it,” said Louis, mock-saluting her. Both Harry and Anne laughed at him, the
former admiring how much life Louis could bring to a seemingly desperate
situation.
“Thank you,” said Harry quietly as they set the table. “That meant a lot.”
“How do you mean?” asked Louis, folding the napkins.
“She’s trying to put on a brave face, but I know that having him here is as
difficult for her as it is for me. You distracted her from that stress, even if
only for a moment.”
“Glad to have helped,” replied Louis, and Harry could tell that it was genuine.
He reached across the table and squeezed Harry’s hand. Harry looked down at
their hands entwined. They fit perfectly together, his slightly smaller than
Louis’. It was as though Louis’ hand was made just for him.
“Dinner is about to be served!” called Anne’s voice from the kitchen.
They immediately dropped their hands from one another and resumed setting the
table at a much quicker pace. Finally, they finished just as the others joined
them.
“Enjoy everyone,” said Anne with a light smile. She took her apron off and sat
at the head of the table.
Harry immediately sat down on her left with Louis on his other side. Across
from Louis sat Jay and on her left and Anne’s right, Gemma. Des sat on the
opposite end of the table, directly across from Anne.
“Everything looks wonderful Anne,” complimented Jay. Anne smiled graciously at
her and began dishing out portions for everyone. “This must have taken you all
day.”
“It was nothing,” Anne said breezily. “All right, everyone. Dig in!”
They all began eating their food, conversation flowing relatively easy. Louis
and Harry held hands discreetly under the table, the former occasionally
rubbing circles on Harry’s hand to soothe him. It helped, but Harry still felt
a sense of discomfort throughout the meal.
“Harry, dear, could you pass me the cheese,” said Anne at some point.
“Sure mum.” Harry reached to grab the cheese, freezing at his father’s next
words.
“Has anyone heard anything about the Lucas boy?”
The table fell silent, several sets of eyes fixating on Harry, except for Des,
who seemed to have no concept that the matter was one that they did not discuss
around him.
Harry returned to his seat, placing the cheese perhaps a bit too forcefully in
front of his mother so that some of it accidently spilled over the edge. She
may have glanced at him nervously, but he was too tense and caught in his own
thoughts to properly notice.
“No,” said Anne shortly when she realized that no one had responded. Harry
thought that would be the end of the conversation, but sadly he was mistaken.
“His father works in my firm,” Des continued, after he took a sip of his drink.
“Said that Maryanne Lucas was absolutely beside herself with the entire thing.
Swore up and down that it couldn’t be her boy to do such a thing.”
Harry clenched his fist tightly around his fork. He was aware that he was also
squeezing Louis’ hand tightly, evident when the lad let out a light gasp. He
released the hand immediately so that he would not hurt him further and shot
him an apologetic look.
“I guess she doesn’t know her son all that well,” he heard Louis say coolly
from beside him. He did not miss the disapproving glare Jay shot Louis either.
“Perhaps,” said Des diplomatically. Too much so in Harry’s opinion. “He was
always a straight A student though. Hard to see where he would go wrong.”
“Usually the crowd you surround yourself with is an indicator,” said Gemma,
playing with the hem of her sleeve. She shot Harry an anxious glance that he
ignored.
“You were mates with him, weren’t you Louis?” Des asked suddenly.
“Not for years now,” said Louis through clenched teeth. “Not since I found out
that he was hurting Harry.”
Harry felt sick by the entire conversation and wished for nothing more than the
ground to swallow him whole. He had long since lost his appetite, his food now
looking nauseating. He was hyper-aware of his father’s eyes now trained on him.
He had not responded once to the topic and he knew that his father was waiting
for him to do so.
“Oh? What did you do to provoke him into touching you, son?” said Des calmly.
“Des!” exclaimed an affronted Anne. Harry swallowed.
“I existed,” Harry muttered, staring at his plate. His vision was beginning to
swim.
“Don’t say such a thing, Harry,” said Jay sympathetically. “You did nothing
wrong and nothing to warrant the way he’s treated you.”
“He wouldn’t agree.”
“And neither does Jeffery Lucas,” grunted Des. “He’s convinced that you did
something to provoke Stan into behaving like a f**.”
Harry dropped his fork on the table and felt himself come to a physical halt.
The shaking was gone and the nerves were gone. All that was left in their place
was pure shock and disbelief. His own father…
Everyone was speechless, but if looks could kill – Anne and Louis would be
charged with manslaughter. Des seemed to realize now that what he had just said
appalled everyone and stared at them blankly.
“What’s the matter with the lot of you?” he demanded, and to everyone’s
surprise, Harry stood up and stared directly at him.
“You’re no different from any of the rest of them,” he said, his voice
surprisingly steady. “Every nasty insult that anyone has thrown at me has
always been accompanied with the justification that it must have been something
that I did. Heaven forbid that someone else is held accountable for his or her
actions. No, I caused them to behave that way because my simple existence is
apparently too much of a burden for them.”
“The sad thing is that I’ve believed it for so long and maybe a part of me
always will because on some level, I’ve become so desensitized to the name-
calling and the pain and I think that’s the worst thing that can happen to
anyone. To become so unbothered by it because it’s the norm. I’ve gotten so
worked up over it, but you know what? Why bother? I’ve agonized over what I
could have done to deserve being treated the way I have to the point where I
felt and still feel that I can’t be myself without constantly being on my
guard. It’s ruined more than one relationship and I’m sick of it. I’m done. I’m
finished with living in fear of what other people will think of me.”
Harry turned to look at Louis, who looked prouder of him than words could
express. He seemed to understand what Harry was silently asking and nodded.
Harry took Louis’ hand in his own and everyone’s gaze zeroed on the contact.
“In case you hadn’t figured it out already, dad, I’m gay. It doesn’t take a lot
to guess what your feelings will be about this revelation, but I can assure you
that I in no way influenced Stan’s ‘f**’ behavior. He chose to attack me all on
his own.”
“Louis and I care about each other and we haven’t gotten much further than
that, but if I’m right, we both reckon there’s plenty of time for that.” He
glanced at Louis and saw him nodding in agreement, his eyes trained on Jay who
had a light smile on her face. He turned back to stare at his gobsmacked
father. “So you can either accept me for who I am or stay the hell out of my
life because I certainly don’t need another person judging me when there’s
nothing wrong with who I am as a person.”
If there was ever a moment for a standing ovation, Harry felt it would be that
moment. His mum and Gemma had tears in their eyes and looked like they were
about ready to ask for an encore. Jay was beaming with pride at her son and
Louis was looking at him like he was the only person in the room. It was all
overwhelming and a tad unsettling, but he was eventually snapped out of his
stance by his father’s next words.
“I – erm – I haven’t been there for much of your childhood and certainly not as
you were growing up,” said Des uncomfortably. “So I can’t act like you owe me
anything. But… I do love you, Harry. I always have and I always will, even if I
act like a dolt about certain things and have to get some sense knocked into
me. Your – erm – preferences don’t change that. It’ll take some getting used
to, but with time I’m sure that I’ll adjust and I would like to be a part of
your life.”
Harry stared at his father speechless. His father’s words were far less
eloquent than his own, but they were all that he had been wanting to hear
throughout his life. He dropped Louis’ hand and hurried over to his father,
embracing him and taking Des by surprise. The latter eventually stood up,
wrapping his arms around Harry.
“I – I’ll go fetch dessert,” said a choked up Anne. She, Gemma and Jay hurried
out of the dining room, leaving the other three alone at the table.
Harry disconnected from his father and watched as Des’ gaze turned on Louis.
“You treat him right, you hear? I may not be in the running for father-of-the-
year any time soon, but I can still make you regret your decisions if you ever
hurt my son.”
“I have no intention of hurting Haz, sir,” said Louis seriously, and Harry’s
heart skipped a beat. “I’ve made enough mistakes to know that not having him in
my life would be the biggest mistake of all.”
Harry grinned at him, and Louis returned the sentiment.
“We’ll be right back, mum,” Harry called into the kitchen. He dragged Louis out
the front door and brought them over to the porch swing, sitting down beside
him.
“I can’t believe that all just happened,” Harry said after several minutes. He
was curled up, his head resting on Louis’ lap as the latter stroked his hair
gently.
“I’m so proud of you, angel,” Louis whispered from above him. “You’re the
bravest person that I know. I can’t imagine what it took for you to say all of
that.”
“You’re not mad that I basically out’ed you?” Louis shook his head.
“The look in my mum’s eyes was enough to tell me that she had her suspicions
and probably spoke about it with your mum. And Gemma already knew, so it was
just your dad who wouldn’t have had any indication.”
“How did Gemma know?”
Louis laughed slightly, rubbing the back of his neck.
“She was the one talking sense into me whenever Liam took a break.”
Harry burst out laughing at the embarrassed look on Louis’ face.
“That’s adorable.”
“Shut it, Styles.” Harry just rolled his eyes.
“My sister the matchmaker,” he pondered aloud. “I’ll have to thank her for
that.”
“Yeah, yeah. If you’re quite finished, we should get back inside. I’m ready for
dessert.” Harry laughed again and lifted his head off of Louis’ legs and swung
his own forward so that he could stand up.
“You’re the best, you know that?” Harry said to him, still holding onto his
hand.
“I did, but it’s always nice to be reminded.”
“You sod,” laughed Harry, smacking his arm. He kissed him sweetly on the lips.
“I mean it though. You really are the best person in the world.”
“That may be a bit hard to live up to,” teased Louis. “Especially since I
reckon the role has already been taken by you.”
“You cheese ball!” groaned Harry. He ran back into the house, hearing Louis’
laughter follow him. “You absolute cheese ball!”
“But I’m your cheese ball!”
***
The summer passed alarmingly quickly for the pair of them, but they hardly fell
out of routine. Harry spent most of his days with Louis, walking around town
and talking about random nonsense that had nothing to do with anything, but he
absolutely loved it.
It was August when he received a text from Josh inviting him to jam with them
again. He was with Louis when he received the text, the latter resting his chin
on Harry’s shoulder. Harry continued to stare at the text, knowing that he had
to respond one way or another. He also knew that going would mean seeing Niall
again and he was not sure if he felt ready for that reality.
“It’s entirely your choice, angel,” said Louis, rubbing Harry’s hips
soothingly. Harry leaned back into him subconsciously.
“Niall will be there,” Harry said unnecessarily, and he felt Louis nod. “Are
you okay with that?”
“It’s not my place to be not okay,” replied Louis, and Harry turned to look at
him. “Sure, I’m not a fan of the lad, but I’ll never try to stop you from being
around someone who was once your mate. And I wouldn’t want you to lose your
other mates as a result.”
“You’re the best, you know that?” Harry said, wrapping his arms around Louis’
neck and gazing up at him. “How do you do it?”
“I’ve learned from the best.” Harry stood on his tiptoes and kissed him softly.
“Haz, you have to answer him,” said Louis when they broke apart breathless.
“Right,” breathed Harry, running a hand through his hair. “Right.”
***
“Harry! Good to see ya, mate!” said Josh, opening the door.
Harry was unsurprised to see that Niall did not answer the door, regardless of
the fact that it was his own flat. He smiled meekly at Josh, returning the hug
that he gave him.
“You too, mate. I’ve missed you lot.”
“Harry!” Harry looked around Josh and saw Ed barreling in, his mouth full of
food. “S’been foreva!” He sprayed food as he said this, and Harry and Josh
grimaced.
“Same old Ed, I see.” Josh snorted, patting Harry on the back. Harry resisted
the urge to flinch, something that he had been getting better through going to
therapy.
“Seriously though, how are you doing mate?” asked Josh, and Ed nodded. Harry
swallowed. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want, but we’re here if you
know…”
Harry felt his heart expand about ten sizes. He had missed these blokes and had
forgotten how lovely they could be when they were not messing about. He would
be forever grateful that Niall had brought them over that day at lunch.
Speaking of Niall…
“Hey lads, what’s taking so –?” Niall trailed off as he entered the foyer.
Harry and Niall stared at each other silently. To Harry’s knowledge, Josh and
Ed were not aware of the falling out that he and Niall had or the extent of
their relationship. He watched as Niall’s mouth opened like he was going to say
something, then close again.
“Yeh all right?” asked Niall solemnly. Harry nodded, not breaking eye contact.
Another thing that he had been working on maintaining and improving in therapy.
“Yeah, thanks for having me,” he said, slowly. Niall nodded.
“Can I speak with H for a moment?” he said without looking at the other two.
Harry felt a familiar stir at the use of his nickname and heard as Ed and Josh
scrambled out of the room. But not before:
“Ed, Josh.” They turned to face him. “Thank you.”
“Any time, mate,” they said in unison before entering the studio again.
He watched as Niall indicated that they walk over to the sitting area. He opted
for the chair, the sofa being a bit too familiar to certain moments that they
shared in the past.
“How are you doing, Harry?” Niall asked before Harry could get a word in.
“Truly. I know I don’t deserve an answer, but –”
“Niall,” he said wearily. “I’m not mad at you.” Niall let out a breath.
“Believe me, I was for a while. I was mad at just about everyone and
everything, but I just can’t.”
“That doesn’t answer my question,” said Niall moments later, and Harry snorted.
“Sorry,” the former said sheepishly.
“Familiarity is good, I’m glad you didn’t change much,” said Harry truthfully.
“Honestly? I’m far from being better, but I’m working on it. I finally have the
support that I was too afraid to ask for and it’s by no means perfect, but it’s
getting easier.”
“I’m glad,” said Niall. He paused for a moment. “I’ve been thinking a lot about
the last conversation that we had that day…”
He trailed off and Harry took a deep breath. Eventually, he indicated that it
was okay for Niall to continue.
“You had asked me if I only befriended you so that I could fix you and I
hesitated. If I could rewind time and slap some sense into myself, H, I would.”
“I’m not going to lie, I did want to fix you, but not because I thought that
you were fucked up or damaged. Far from it. I knew that you didn’t deserve what
everyone put you though. No one deserves that and I thought in the beginning
that if I stayed by your side that I could minimalize the damage that was
inflicted upon you.”
“It didn’t stay that way for long though, H. You have this magnetic aura about
you and I know that you don’t see it, but when you truly let someone in,
they’re a goner. I couldn’t stop being friends with you even if I had wanted to
and it became so much more than trying to heal you or some shit. It became
about –”
“Please don’t say it,” pleaded Harry.
“…Loving you.”
Harry let his head fall down. He and Niall had never admitted any feelings
toward each other, on Harry’s part because his feelings never reached that
point. He had always hoped that it had been the same for Niall, but clearly
that was far from the case.
“I’m not saying all of this to make you feel bad, H, I swear. I felt like you
deserved to know my proper answer though. The answer that I should’ve been able
to give you months ago.”
Harry swallowed and looked up at Niall with glossy eyes.
“I never deserved your love, Niall. I – I was gone before I ended things that
day.”
Niall was silent. He did not have to ask Harry to elaborate to understand what
he meant and Harry did not trust his voice to articulate what was already clear
to him.
“I should go –”
“Please don’t,” said Niall suddenly. Harry froze. “It’s not okay. None of it
is, really and it goes way beyond just the two of us.”
“Niall –”
“But I’ve come to terms with it,” Niall continued like he had not been
interrupted. “I’m not okay with it, but it’s like you said. You can’t hold onto
that kind of bitterness.”
“It’s toxic,” Harry agreed, and Niall nodded.
“I found someone else as well.” Harry smiled slightly.
“Yeah? Who’s the unwitting person whose essence you’ve stolen?”
“Quoting FRIENDS? Really?”
Harry smiled fondly, remembering their conversation from what feels like a
lifetime ago.
“It’s never a bad time to quote FRIENDS,” he said, repeating what Niall had
once said to him in an attempt to cheer him up. Niall smiled his first genuine
smile of the day.
“Right you are. Her name is Jessie. She moved here down the block from
Brussels. Came running by while I was coming back from shopping one day and
well…”
“The rest is history?” Harry smirked, and Niall grinned sheepishly. “I’m happy
for you, Ni.” And he really was happy for him. Truly.
“Thanks,” said Niall softly. “And you and Louis…?”
“Yeah. We’re good. We’re really good.”
Niall nodded, standing up and Harry joined him. He shifted on his feet and
Harry knew that he was holding back, so he took the leap for him. He stepped
forward and embraced him gently.
Niall returned the embrace, offering the same pressure so as not to make Harry
feel trapped, and the latter appreciated that. Eventually, the pulled apart and
smiled.
“I think we’ve kept them waiting long enough,” said Niall.
“True,” said Harry seriously. “Ed’s probably eaten Josh by now out of pure
hunger and frustration.”
Niall threw back his head and laughed the laugh that Harry could never explain
to anyone if he was asked, but the one that he had missed so much more than he
realized.
“I’ve missed you, kid,” said Niall throwing an arm over him as they walked in.
***
“How’d it go?” said Louis, anxiously standing up when Harry entered his room.
“Have you been in here the entire time?” asked Harry bemusedly. Louis flushed.
“Your pillow smells like you,” he said sheepishly, and Harry nearly cooed. He
walked over and cuddled in Louis’ lap. “I’m sorry, that’s really creepy, isn’t
it?”
“On anyone else, yes,” said Harry seriously. Then he smiled. “But on you it’s
completely endearing.”
“Yeah?” said Louis, brushing his nose against Harry’s. “You’re not just saying
that?”
“‘Course not, love.” He knew how much Louis loved the term of endearment based
on how his eyes would sparkle and shine.
“So, how’d it go?” asked Louis a few minutes later when they were laying down
on Harry’s bed again. He had his arms around Harry, tracing circles on Harry’s
abdomen.
“Really well,” breathed Harry, a genuine smile falling across his lips. “I was
so nervous, but it all went well. Josh and Ed are good, supportive mates and…
well, Niall and I talked it out.” He felt Louis shift and looked up to see that
he was looking at him.
“What about?”
“That… that day.” He felt Louis tense. “About our conversation beforehand,”
clarified Harry quickly. “He just clarified to me why he didn’t respond when I
had asked him if he had only become friends with me to fix me.”
“What’d he say?” Harry could hear the tightness in Louis’ voice. Harry took his
hand and kissed it gently.
“He said that he had loved me.” Louis was silent. “Louis, please talk to me.”
Louis let go of his hand and Harry watched as he rubbed his face. Harry bit his
lip in nervous anticipation for what he was about to say.
“Did you ever…” Louis trailed off. Harry had an idea what he wanted to say and
understood why he could not articulate it.
“No. Don’t get me wrong, I love Niall as a mate, but I only cared about him
when we were together. I don’t think I could ever get to that point. Not when I
had a hard enough time loving myself.”
“Do you now? Love yourself, I mean?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Harry said, honestly. “I’m working on it though and
having you by my side has helped tremendously.” He looked up at Louis. “More
than I’ll probably ever be able to properly articulate to you.”
Louis closed the small distance between them, capturing his lips in a kiss that
took Harry’s breath away. Harry returned the kiss, stroking Louis’ cheek with
his hand. He lived for moments like these when they felt like the only two
people in the world, let alone the universe and nothing could interrupt them.
It would be these moments that he would miss the most when reality sinks back
in and summer holiday is over.
Eventually, they separated and simply stared at each other wordlessly. Harry
would do a lot at certain times to be able to open Louis’ head and know what
his thoughts are. Instead, he settled for asking.
“What are you thinking?”
Louis was silent for a moment and Harry got nervous waiting.
“I’m thinking… about how lucky I am to have you,” he replied, his lips turning
up at the corners. “And how lucky I am to be with someone who is so lovely and
so forgiving that he’ll look past all of my shortcomings and still consider me
his.”
Harry leaned forward to kiss him briefly again before pulling back.
“The feeling is mutual, love.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
Summer came to an end much faster than either one of them would have liked.
Gemma had packed and gone off to university, which brought about many tears in
the Styles household. Harry was adjusting to being the only child in the house
and the perks and downfalls that came with that. He missed his sister something
awful, but they still spoke regularly and he was grateful that they had a close
relationship.
Now, as autumn had finally arrived, Louis would be entering his final year at
Academy, whereas Harry still had two years to go in the school. With that, came
the realization that Louis had to buckle down and figure out where he was going
to spend the next four years of his life for university.
“Nervous?” Harry asked him on the morning of the first day of classes. He had
received a car over the summer – his early birthday present, his mum had
explained – so that he would be able to drive himself and Harry to and from
school now that her hours at the hospital were more hectic and also because he
was expected to get a job.
“For what?” asked Louis, focusing on the road. His fingers tapped on the wheel.
He did not have to look over to his left to figure out that Harry was fixing
him with a look.
“This is it, Lou. Your final year. You’re going off to uni next year and –”
“Haz, you’re my best mate and a lovely boyfriend, but if you keep talking about
my impending future, I can’t be held responsible if I veer off the nearest
bridge.”
Harry fell silent and Louis sighed. He reached over and took Harry’s hand
tightly in his own.
“I’m sorry, angel. I am nervous,” he admitted. “You know that I’ve never wanted
to grow up and all of a sudden it’s happening so fast.”
“I know,” Harry said softly from beside him. Louis felt him squeeze his hand
and had a feeling that it was not only to provide Louis with a sense of
comfort.
They pulled up to the school and Louis parked in the spot that he was assigned.
It was close to the entrance and he was grateful that he did not end up on the
other side of the parking lot like he knew Liam got when he registered his
vehicle.
He turned to look at Harry and saw that he was pale and breaking into a sweat.
It all came crashing back down on him that this was Harry’s first time back at
school since Stan and his cronies attacked him last year. He could have smacked
himself – this entire time he was worrying about his future when Harry was
anxious about returning.
“I’m an idiot, Haz. I’m so sorry, I completely forgot…” Harry shook his head.
“I’ll be by your side today, yeah? Why don’t you sit with me, Liam and the
others? No one will give you a hard time, I promise and if they do, they’ll
have me to answer to.”
Harry turned to look at him and he was glad to see that the fear in his eyes
was a little less than it had been moments prior.
“Thank you, Lou,” he said, gently. “I’ll play it all by ear, yeah? I want to
see how the other lads are as well? I need to learn to stand on my own two feet
as well.”
Louis nodded in understanding and Harry continued.
“How – How are we behaving today?”
“How do you mean?”
“We never officially came out, Lou. It was all just talk and rumours. Are we
going in there as boyfriends, or are we going in there as best mates?”
Louis honestly had not even thought of that, but the thought sent butterflies
through his stomach. Not unpleasant ones, but nerve-ridden ones.
“It’s your call, angel,” he replied, but Harry shook his head.
“This is as much a large step for you as it is for me, Lou. We need to make
this decision together.” Louis did not respond, so Harry continued.
“A year ago I would’ve said no way in hell could I go in there and face the
judgment that’ll likely be in everyone’s eyes. I’d have been too afraid of
confirming everything that they had said about me for I don’t even know how
many years at this point. I’m still terrified Lou, but everything gets a little
easier knowing that you’re by my side. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to
leave myself vulnerable, but what I do know is that when I do, I’ll never be
alone and that makes the decision a little more clear for me.”
Louis stared at him with wonder in his eyes.
“I want to go in there as your boyfriend.”
“Lou –” Louis shook his head.
“Any fear that I had faded after listening to what you just said, Harry. Sure,
I’ll always be nervous about people’s criticism and their words, but it comes
second knowing that at the end of the day we’ll love who we love and there’s no
other way. And I know first and foremost that whatever is thrown at us, I’m
always going to be next to you.”
Harry leaned forward, pressing his plump lips against Louis’ thin ones. It was
simply a peck – because they were in a prime spot right now – but it was the
reassurance that both of them needed to get out of the car and walk in together
hand-in-hand.
As they opened the door and began walking in, the corridor quieted down. Louis
felt more self-conscious than he ever had in his life, but he put on his tunnel
vision. He felt Harry squeeze his hand though and then looked down at him. The
look in Harry’s eyes was unmistakable – he was terrified, but the slight smile
on his face told Louis that he was glad that they had decided to go ahead and
be together publicly. Louis could not agree more.
“I know that I look good, but really. There’s no reason to ogle,” Louis finally
said.
He heard Harry snort beside him and grinned. His comment seemed to break the
Twilight Zone-esque moment that had taken over the corridor and people began
talking again. Their eyes were still trained on them, but at least some people
had the decency to look away when they were caught staring.
“All right, lads?” said Liam coming up to the pair of them. His eyes were
twinkling with support and happiness. Louis gave him a side hug, never
releasing Harry’s hand as he embraced the other lad.
“Yeah, we’re great,” said Louis into his ear, and Liam patted him on the back.
When they broke apart, Liam turned to Harry.
“I saw your mates over there, if you were looking for them,” Liam said,
pointing over his shoulder. Harry nodded in thanks and turned to Louis.
“I should head off. I have class with Mr. Walsh first and he’s anal about late
arrivals.” Louis and Liam both just stared at him before they burst out
laughing.
To Harry’s credit, it only took him a minute before realizing what he said and
smacking both of their arms with his schoolbag.
“Arseholes,” he grunted, but he had a smile playing on his lips.
“See you after class?” Louis asked, and Harry nodded. Louis leaned forward and
pecked his lips. “See you, angel.”
Harry waved to the pair of them and Louis watched as he went over, joining the
other three lads in his year. He turned and saw Liam’s eyes trained on him.
“I’m really happy for the two of you,” Liam said, honestly. Louis smiled.
“Thanks mate. So am I.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry felt uneasy as he walked over to his mates. He had never mentioned his
sexuality to Ed and Josh beforehand and he could tell by the looks on their
faces that they were both equally surprised. They did not look a mean sort of
surprised though.
“Hey,” said Harry feebly when he arrived in front of them. Niall patted him on
the shoulder, which he appreciated. “How were the rest of your summers?”
Ed and Josh just continued to stare at him with gobsmacked expressions. Harry
looked at Niall helplessly. Niall seemed to get the message.
“OI! You’re catching flies, you two.”
They snapped out of their reverie and looked embarrassed.
“Sorry mate,” said Josh. “Just surprised is all. Didn’t know you and Louis
were…”
“It hasn’t been something we advertised. Plus, with me not coming back at the
end of last year…”
“It’s all the same to us, mate,” interjected Ed. He offered Harry a smile.
“We’re just glad that you’re back.”
Harry smiled widely too. How did he get so lucky to have three of the greatest
best mates and Louis?
“Oh, H! This is Jessie.” All of a sudden, a girl with long blonde hair and
sharp blue eyes similar to Niall appeared beside him. She looked like she could
be his twin. “Jessie, this is Harry, one of our best mates.”
“Nice to meet you,” she said, kindly. He shook her hand with a smile and a nod.
“Niall’s told me a lot about you. Claims your rubbish at FIFA.”
“Does he now?” said Harry, quirking an eyebrow at the blond lad. He saw Niall
shoot Jessie a teasing glare. “Last I checked, where I fall short in FIFA, he
is more abysmal at pool.”
“Ohhh,” cheered Ed and Josh, slapping him on the back in appreciation. Even
Jessie burst out laughing at the beet-red look on Niall’s face. She kissed his
cheek and he smiled, wrapping his arm around her waist.
“Watch it, Styles. I’m not above whooping your arse again.” Harry snorted.
“All four foot nothing of you?”
“I’m taller than you!”
“You don’t know me.”
The others were in stitches as the warning bell rang, signaling that they were
about to be late for class.
“First period with Walsh?” Ed asked him, looking over his shoulder at his
schedule. “Sick, I’ve got him too.” Harry grinned.
“Off we go then!”
***
Harry’s first day back was the best that he had ever experienced in his life.
Sure, he was on the receiving end of conspicuous looks and glares, and he also
heard the whispers about “How could he do this to Louis?” but Louis was always
by his side during these moments and told the gossipers off, which quickly put
them in their places.
It also helped that he had all of his classes with at least one friend. Maths,
music and World History he had with Ed, science he had with Niall, English and
gym he had with Josh and French he surprisingly had with Liam. The class had
people from different years in it based on their skill level, and Harry had
always been advanced for his age. The class was predominantly older students
though and he was immensely grateful when Liam had immediately invited him to
sit with him and some of his mates.
“How’ve classes been so far?” Liam asked him when he sat down.
Harry shrugged, smiling easily.
“All right. I’ve been with at least one of the lads in each class, so I can’t
complain.” Harry had a sudden thought that perhaps that was planned, but pushed
it to the back of his head. Either way, he was relieved.
“Oh, I haven’t actually introduced you,” said Liam suddenly. “Harry, these are
my mates Andy, Dom, Mariah and my girlfriend, Sophia.”
Harry smiled timidly at each of them, nodding in recognition. He had seen them
around before, as well as at Liam’s party last New Year’s Eve. They were all
decent enough and all greeted him with smiles before resuming their separate
conversations.
“So your last year,” said Harry, regaining Liam’s attention. “Happy?”
“Mixed emotions,” admitted Liam. “I’m not sure what’s next, but Louis and I had
been talking about getting a shared flat together depending on where we go.”
Harry nodded. Louis had mentioned that to him.
“Any ideas where you’d like to go?”
“Manchester would be sick. I’m not sure if I’ve got the scores for it, but hey,
it’s worth a shot, yeah?” Harry nodded eagerly.
“It’d be great if the two of you went to Manchester. It’s less than an hour
from Cheshire and you could come back and visit on weekends and holidays
easily.”
Liam nodded, about the respond when their teacher walked in and called
attention.
***
Lunch was the most strenuous part of the day for Harry. The dining hall was a
nightmare for anyone with social anxiety, let alone for him. He walked in, his
hand clenching his bag tightly as he scanned, looking for Louis. He spotted him
easily, gesticulating as he spoke to Liam about something that the other lad
clearly found funny. As if he could feel Harry’s eyes trained on him, Louis
glanced his way and grinned. He stood up and made his way over to him, hugging
him into his side.
“How are you, angel?” he whispered into Harry’s ear. Harry melted into his
side.
“Good, yeah,” breathed Harry. “Just forgot how overwhelming it can be in here.”
“No worries, Haz. Come join us, yeah?” Harry nodded.
“Can… Can I invite the others? I just feel bad not sitting with them on the
first day back…”
“Of course,” said Louis immediately.
Harry glanced over to where Niall, Josh, Ed and Jessie were all sitting. They
were in their usual spot from last year. He caught Niall’s eye and indicated
them all to join. He began moving to join Louis at his table and greeted the
others as they sat down as well.
“Welcome to the cool kids table, lads and ladette,” said Louis dramatically.
“Only the laddiest of the lads –”
“Hey!” said several of the girls sitting there. Louis ignored them.
“– can be granted access to our round table –”
“It’s rectangle Lou,” said Harry, rolling his eyes. Everyone laughed.
“– Except Liam, of course, because he’s not a lad.”
“Hey! Watch it, Tommo!”
Everyone laughed as Louis and Liam engaged an intense, albeit brief, water
fight before it was broken up by one of the lunch monitors, Mr. Higgins. He
gave the two of them a look like he was used to dealing with them, but Harry
could see a small smile.
“How do you do it, Lou?” whispered Harry once everyone resumed conversing.
“Do what?” asked Louis with his mouth full. Harry grimaced.
“How is it that you’ve managed to get everyone wrapped around your finger?”
Louis swallowed, before taking Harry’s hand under the table.
“It’s a gift,” he shrugged. “But if it makes you feel better, there’s one
person who’s finger I’m wrapped around.” Harry flushed.
“I don’t want to have that kind of power over you, Lou…”
“I trust you,” said Louis, kissing the back of his hand. “I know that you’d
never abuse it, like I’d never do to you. Yeah?”
Harry nodded, looking at him fondly. Then someone yelled and his blood ran
cold.
“Oi! Get a room f*****s!”
The entire dining hall fell silent, all eyes turning to Harry and Louis to
gauge their reaction. Harry could feel Louis trembling with rage beside him. Or
was he the one trembling? He could not differentiate between them.
He looked for the source of the yell and saw it was the same bloke that Louis
sent to the infirmary that day in the corridor while they were still not
speaking. Shahid Khan was his name, Harry had learned near the end of last
year. He had been in his music class.
“Oi, shut your fooking mouth, pal!” screamed Louis back across the dining hall.
“Yeah? Or what?” Khan retorted.
Harry felt Louis go to stand up, but he kept him down beside him. He saw Louis
out of his peripheral turn to look at him questioningly, but acting braver than
he felt, he stood up instead and faced the homophobic bloke.
“Oh, look. You finally don’t need to be defended by your keeper anymore,
Styles?” Khan said mockingly.
“Really? Are you kidding me?” said Harry, his voice steadier than he had
expected. “How inconsiderate can you be that you have to comment on someone
else’s life and choices that doesn’t even impact you in any way?” He received
no response, so he raised his voice. “Seriously how old are you? Grow up!”
His words were simple, but left everyone stunned until moments later, he heard
someone clap from the other end of the hall. The clapping grew louder and
suddenly there were people on their feet giving him a standing ovation,
including several whistles.
He sat back down shakily and looked at Louis who was staring at him like the
Sun was coming out of him. He felt self-conscious.
“What?” he asked, over the thunderous noise.
“You continue to amaze me,” breathed Louis. “With every passing day I think
that it isn’t possible for you to amaze me more, but you always prove me
wrong.”
Harry smiled sheepishly and Louis took the opportunity to kiss him. There were
cheers from the people at their table and pats on the back when they pulled
apart. Harry was beat red and buried his face in Louis’ shoulder, but it did
not matter. He saw the ignorant bloke being taken out of the hall by Mr.
Higgins and he felt that was the greatest reward of them all. He had not said
anything nasty in response, he had simply been honest. And honesty and
politeness, though usually mocked, ended up working for once.
***
Autumn flew by much faster than Harry would have liked. He was enjoying his
classes and he and Louis could not have been happier. However, now that winter
was approaching, so was Louis’ 18th birthday and the reality that he would be
receiving word any day now from the universities that he applied to that would
determine his future. Harry had complete faith that he would get into wherever
he applied, but Louis did not share the same level of confidence in himself.
“I should’ve studied harder,” he kept insisting. They were doing homework in
his bedroom, wrapped up in blankets because the heat was not working. They
would have gone to Harry’s, but Anne was having a dinner date with her
boyfriend Robin tonight, so Harry wanted to give them ample space. Louis had
offered him to stay for the night and he had readily accepted, kissing him
profusely as thanks.
“You’ve studied so hard, Lou,” said Harry, rubbing his arm soothingly. He was
growing frustrated himself by his maths homework and tossed it to the side.
“Don’t keep putting yourself down, I know that you’ll get into your schools.”
“But what if I don’t, Haz? What if I don’t get any scholarship money? You know
that we can’t afford to pay full –”
“Everything will be okay, Lou,” soothed Harry, taking the older boy in his
arms. “You’re going to give yourself ulcers worrying about something out of
your hands now.”
“You’re right,” Louis sighed, resting his head on Harry’s lap. “You’re always
right. How are you always right?”
“One of us has to be.”
“OI!” Harry just laughed and they settled into silence.
“Is there anything in particular that you’d like for your birthday?” Harry
asked, breaking the peaceful silence. Louis shook his head.
“You know that you don’t have to get me anything, angel. I’ve already got
everything that I need right here.” Harry rolled his eyes.
“C’mon, cheese ball.” Louis scowled at him. “I’m asking out of politeness,
you’re going to get something regardless.”
Louis just shook his head.
“Surprise me then.”
“You hate surprises.”
“Too right you are.”
Harry leaned down and captured Louis’ lips in a kiss. The angle was
uncomfortable, so eventually they broke apart and readjusted themselves. They
resumed kissing, much more heated than before.
“I think we’re done with homework for the night,” breathed Harry into Louis’
mouth as he lifted the shirt off the latter’s body.
Louis pushed the books and papers off the side, not caring where they went.
They would deal with the mess later. Right now, it was just them and their need
to touch.
“Off with yours too, angel?” Louis asked hesitantly. They had not done much
sexually since Harry’s attack, so he always checked with Harry first in these
moments.
Harry nodded, lifting his own shirt off, feeling self-conscious by his tummy.
Louis kissed it though and blew a raspberry, making Harry giggle.
“How did I end up with such a goof?”
“The same way I ended up with such a dork.”
Louis pushed him down gently, peppering kisses down his neck and Harry closed
his eyes, grateful that Jay was working late so that he did not have to be as
quiet. He loved these moments with Louis when they could be in their truest
forms.
He reached out, beginning to unbutton Louis trousers, when the latter froze.
“Sorry, too quick?” said Harry, slightly flustered. Louis shook his head.
“I’m fine, angel, but we don’t have to go further than you’re comfortable.”
Harry felt a warmth spread within him. Louis was always so thoughtful of him.
“How far do you want to go, angel?” Louis pressed, and Harry hesitated.
“Not that far,” he admitted. “Could I…” He flushed.
“Could you what, Haz? It’s okay, I won’t laugh.”
“C-Could I give you a blowie?”
He watched as Louis stared at him, licking his lips. He did not look bothered
by the request – they had done this before the attack. He still seemed hesitant
though.
“I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything,” said Louis honestly. “You
don't feel like that, right?” Harry shook his head quickly. “And you’ll tell me
if you want to stop? I don’t care if I’m on the brink of an orgasm, you have to
promise to tell me.”
“I promise Lou.” Louis smiled, the sides of his eyes crinkling in the way that
Harry adored.
“Okay then.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
Louis watched as Harry unbuttoned his trousers and slid them down before doing
the same for himself. Louis moaned when he realized that Harry was in fact
commando.
“Christ, Haz. You’re killing me.” He watched as Harry’s pretty pink cock
twitched with interest.
“It’s impolite to stare, Lou,” said Harry teasingly. Louis looked up at him and
saw that he had a slight smirk on his face.
“Can’t help it, angel. If I could, I would write poems about your cock. It’s so
pretty and so pink. Could stare at it for a lifetime and never grow weary of
it.”
Harry’s face was bright red and Louis beamed at the sight. He loved the effect
that he had on Harry when he showered him in compliments.
Harry bridged the gap between them, kissing him with desperation and need.
Louis would never grow tired of the way that Harry’s lips moved against his
own. They were so soft and so plump and Louis loved the way they formed words
when he spoke and the way that they pepped his neck with kisses when Harry was
feeling particularly touchy-feely. He loved everything about Harry’s lips.
Especially when they were about to wrap around the most sensitive part of his
body.
He gasped into Harry’s mouth when he felt Harry pull his cock out from the thin
barrier that his pants provided. Harry took advantage of that moment and
entered his tongue into Louis’ mouth. The two of their tongues brushed against
each other as they continued to kiss passionately. He was becoming hyper aware
of how hard he was in Harry’s hand though and knew that he would not last long
if Harry’s lips were not wrapped around his cock soon.
“H-Haz,” he breathed. “I won’t last long… s-soon, yeah?”
Harry nodded, pulling Louis’ pants down entirely so that his cock sprung out.
It was red and hard, leaking at the tip, and Louis could not detect any fear in
Harry’s eyes.
“Remember, if you feel at all uncomfortable, just tell –”
He felt the wind get knocked out of him as Harry took him whole, the tip of his
cock brushing the back of Harry’s throat. He had known for most of Harry’s life
that the other lad had no gag reflex. They used to have marshmallow-eating
contests to see who could fit the most in their mouths, and Harry always won.
The older they got, the more Louis would tease him about how useful having no
gag reflex was and Harry would always smack him upside the head, claiming that
he was being too fresh and indecent.
“Blimey, Haz,” Louis choked, his head thrown back. He brought his hand to
Harry’s curls and pulled in the way that he knew Harry liked. He felt Harry
hollow his cheeks and he was nearly gone in an embarrassingly short amount of
time.
Harry suddenly pulled off and Louis was worried that he was having second
thoughts, but that concern lasted for less than a second before Harry was
licking the underside of his cock and giving little kitten licks to his head.
Louis felt the familiar warm sensation building up in his belly and his thighs
began to tremble in a way that he knew could only be attributed to one thing.
“H-Haz, I’m close…”
Harry took him entirely again and began humming, as though he was coaxing it
out of him, and with a shout, Louis came in Harry’s mouth. He watched with
hooded eyes as the boy with the pinkest lips imaginable swallowed his come,
licking his sinful lips once Louis had ridden out his climax.
“You’re something else, Haz.” Harry smiled up at him.
“You know what the say,” he croaked, his voice sounding beautiful to Louis’
ears. “The early bird catches the worm.” Louis stared at him.
“You did not just say that.”
Harry just grinned.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry had done a lot of thinking since that night when he and Louis were wholly
sexual for the first time in what felt like ages. He was thinking and he knew
that he felt comfortable around Louis and the thought of what that I meant sent
butterflies shooting through his stomach.
It was the evening of Louis’ birthday.
***
~Louis’ POV~
He and Harry spent the entire day together for his birthday and Louis would not
have had it any other way. He had pestered Harry all day trying to guess what
his present was, but Harry was not budging. In fact, when Harry thought that he
was not looking, he could tell that he was on edge about something. Harry was
biting his lip in the way that he does when he is thinking hard and is not sure
whether or not he should do something.
“You’ll stay the night, right Haz?” said Louis, getting up from his bed.
“Of course,” Harry replied easily, but Louis could hear the strain in his
voice. “Where are you going?”
“Gonna wash up. There are some trackies in my drawer if you want to borrow.”
Harry nodded and Louis stepped into his bathroom to do his usual routine. He
was in there for at least five minutes before drying off his face and going
back out to change.
And then he stopped dead.
Harry was laying on his bed in a way that Louis would have laughed at if it
were anyone other than his lovely boyfriend. In his 18 years of living, he had
never seen anything quite so alarmingly ridiculous, but also ridiculously
erotic.
Harry was sprawled out, his clothes folded in a neat pile at the end of Louis’
bed. He did possess one article though. A bow… there.
He became excruciatingly aware that he had been staring at Harry this entire
time, his mouth wide open, not saying a word, and that Harry was growing more
red under his steady gaze. His eyes immediately snapped back up to meet Harry’s
own.
“Where’s this coming from?” he croaked.
Smooth Louis.
He watched as Harry swallowed, his Adam’s Apple bobbing obscenely.
“I – I wanted to get you something memorable for your birthday, Lou,” Harry
said, quietly. “I – Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have – this was stupid –”
“No, no, angel. Don’t, it wasn’t,” said Louis hastily, hurrying over to him. He
sat down on the edge of the bed beside Harry, grabbing Harry’s hand and rubbing
his thumb across it in a manner that he hoped was soothing. “I just – I didn’t
know you were ready?”
Harry would not meet his eyes.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about it,” he said, lowly. “I feel safe with you,
Lou. You make me feel so safe and comfortable, and I’m more ready to be with
you that way than I ever imagined myself being ready to be with anyone. You
make me feel…”
Harry hesitated, and Louis squeezed his hand to tell him to go on.
“You – You make me feel loved.”
Louis felt his insides turn to Jell-O. It is not like he had never thought
about loving Harry before. He had thought about it a lot. He had just always
assumed that he was mistaking love for Harry in the romantic sense with his
love for him in the brotherly sense that he had grown accustomed to feeling for
fourteen years. He had also never allowed himself to think that far in case
things did not work out romantically between him and Harry. He knew how
impossible it would be to go on living a life without Harry in it, so he had
pushed the possibility of loving him so completely to the back of his mind
because it scared him more than he cared to admit to anyone, even Harry.
“Lou, please say something,” begged Harry. Louis looked up and Harry was
looking at him now with fear in his eyes. Fear that Louis was causing by his
silence. “Please. I have to know if I just made the biggest arse of myself, or
–“
Louis silenced him with a scorching kiss that knocked the breath out of both of
them. He pushed Harry onto his back so that his head was on Louis’ pillow and
Louis was on top of him, caging him in. He felt Harry whimper into his mouth.
“Does that answer your question?” asked Louis cheekily, and Harry smacked him.
“Idiot! You scared the hell out of me!” Harry turned serious. “Did I frighten
you?”
“Not like I would have thought those words would,” said Louis honestly. “Angel,
a lot of things scare me, but making you feel loved could never be one of them.
You deserve the best, and I’m glad that I can be the one you allow to give that
to you.”
Harry leaned up and kissed him again before pulling back.
“So… we’re doing this?” Harry breathed into his mouth. He tasted like mint.
“If you’re certain,” said Louis, gazing at him carefully. “You promise to tell
me if you want to stop?”
“I won’t –”
“Promise me, Harry.”
“I will Lou.”
That was all the reassurance Louis needed before bridging the gap between them
again. He ground down gently onto Harry, aware that he had far too many
articles of clothing on and had some catching up to do if he was going to be
dressed down like Harry. He leant up, straddling Harry, and lifted the shirt
off of his torso while Harry worked on unbuttoning his skinnies. He felt Harry
slide them down, leaving him in only his pants as they tossed them off to the
side of the room.
“The door’s locked, yeah?” he breathed into Harry’s mouth. Harry nodded.
“Always thinking ahead, angel.” They resumed kissing, Louis feeling the heat
building with the anticipation of what would be coming. He could feel Harry’s
heart pounding.
“You sure you’re all right, angel?” he asked. Harry let out a breath, nodding.
“Verbal confirmation, angel.”
“Yeah. I promise, Lou.”
***
~Harry’s POV~
He cursed his pounding heart. He knew that Louis would feel it and worry that
he was panicking and try to pull the breaks. He wanted to be with Louis like
this more than he had ever wanted anything in the world, but his body was
reacting on its own accord.
He watched as Louis began untying the ribbon that he had tied… there. It was
cheesy, he knew, but he knew that Louis would find it humourous, and he
certainly needed some laughter to divert himself from the serious conversation
he knew that Louis would insist that they have.
Once the ribbon was off, Harry noticed that Louis’ pants were gone as well.
Hard across Louis’ belly was his pink, flushed cock and Harry felt his own
swelling with interest. Louis’ cock was only the second he had seen in person
while in this setting, but it looked stunning and Harry wanted nothing more
than for it to be inside of him now.
“Patience, Haz,” teased Louis, like he knew his thoughts. Harry felt himself
flush. “All in due course.”
“Want you now, Lou,” he said, his voice coming out gruffer than usual. He
noticed Louis’ eyes darken with thinly veiled lust.
And then Louis was attacking his neck and it was all that he could do not to
come on the spot as their bare hard-ons brushed against each other repeatedly,
causing friction. He moans as he feels Louis bring his lips lower, giggling
when he feels them on his stomach blowing a raspberry.
“It’s like you want to ruin the mood!”
“I’m sorry, would you like to stop?” asked Louis drily, and Harry shook his
head. “I didn’t think so.” Harry can see the twinkle in Louis’ eyes indicating
that he is joking.
Harry has been blown by Louis more times than he has kept track of – he is not
that weird – but each time feels like he is being blown for the first time. As
Louis’ lips wrap around his sensitive head, he becomes acutely aware that Louis
is pleasuring him in the middle of Louis’ birthday present, meaning that it
should be the other way around.
“Lou, I should be –” Louis just shook his head slightly, popping off of Harry.
“You want to give me the best present, Haz?” he asked, his voice already
hoarse. Harry nodded, his mouth dry. “Then please… let me take care of you.”
“Are you –?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Louis went down on him
again before Harry could protest any further, eliciting a light moan from the
boy.
He whimpered again as Louis licked the underside of his cock where his vein was
and gripped the sheets tightly in his fists. He nearly came undone as Louis
began fondling his balls. They were growing heavier and heavier…
“Lou – Lou, I’m getting close. Want to come with you inside of me…”
Louis popped off again, saliva trailing behind him. He wiped it hastily,
reaching over Harry so that he could pull out a the lube from his drawer.
“Have to open you up first, angel. You’ll last for me, right angel?”
“Y-Yes. I promise.”
“Good lad,” said Louis, smiling widely. He coated his fingers generously,
lifting Harry’s legs over his shoulder so Harry assumed that he could have
better access.
“Your hole looks so soft, angel,” breathed Louis.
Harry’s eyes fluttered closed as Louis pressed a kiss against it. He felt
himself clenching with need despite not even having any of Louis’ fingers
inside of him yet.
Then he felt one press up against his rim and he froze, his wide springing open
wide and going into panic mode. He saw Louis looked at him concerned.
“Haz, breathe. We don’t have to do this. What’s wrong?”
Louis was spewing several different thoughts all at once that he could not
focus on while his brain was short-circuiting. He was going back to that place
in the restroom.
“Angel, breathe. Breathe for me…”
Harry counted backwards from ten, like his psychiatrist had instructed he do
when he felt overwhelmed or like he was going back to that place of self-hatred
or panic. It helped a bit and a few moments later, he opened his eyes and gazed
at Louis’ teary ones.
“I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m good, I’m good. I just needed a moment.”
“Haz, I don’t want us to go somewhere if you’re not ready. We don’t need to do
this tonight, we have ages to wait…”
“I know we don’t,” he insisted, grabbing Louis’ clean hand. “I’d like us to
though.” He compartmentalized the warmth that spread through his chest though
at the idea of Louis being prepared to stay with him for a long time. They just
needed to go at it slowly.
“Are you positive?”
“I am,” he nodded. “I think… it sounds creepy, but I think I just need to keep
my eyes open through it.” He flushed slightly. “So I know it’s you… Christ, I’m
sorry –”
“Don’t be angel,” said Louis, kissing his nose softly. “I’m flattered that
you’d be willing to look at this goofy mug the entire time.”
He let out a strained laugh. Louis always knew the right way to defuse a
situation.
Harry kissed him again, giving him the silent go-ahead that he knew Louis was
waiting for. Their lips moved against each other slowly, not having any need to
speed up.
When they broke apart again, Harry watched Louis as he circled his rim. He felt
his cock stir with excitement and kept his breath steady. He was ready for this
to happen.
Louis pressed one finger in steadily, then paused waiting. Harry let out a
breath. It was tight and slightly uncomfortable, but he made a conscious effort
to unclench around Louis’ finger. Louis peppered his face with kisses,
whispering words of encouragement.
“You can move,” Harry finally said, surprised by how low his voice still was.
Louis began pumping his finger in him softly, in and out in swift motions. Once
Harry got past the initial discomfort, he melted into it, thrusting his hips up
to meet Louis’ finger halfway.
“Another,” he gasped, feeling the sweat building on his brow.
“You sure?”
“Another, Lou!”
Louis obliged, Harry feeling the drizzle of some more lube. Another finger
pushed in and began to scissor Harry. He moaned rather loudly, Louis shooting
him a warning look to remind him that his mum was still down the hall. Harry
nodded in understanding, trying to mute himself slightly. He was fully aware of
how noisy and responsive he could be while in the sack.
“Oh!” he gasped, and Louis grinned. He did the same motion, hitting that same
bundle of nerves that Harry was eternally grateful to him for finding.
“Shit, Lou. There, right there!”
Louis hit that spot a few more times before adding another finger, making Harry
felt like he was going to split open. The pain was tremendous, but not in a bad
way.
“I – I’m ready,” he said a few minutes later.
“You sure, angel?” Harry nodded, his hair sticking to his forehead. Louis was
quite the sight as well. Harry looked at him in a way that he hoped would
capture this moment for the rest of his days. He never wanted to forget his
first time with Louis.
He watched as Louis reached over him to grab a condom. Then he watched as Louis
put it on and subsequently slicked himself up, before lining up with his
eagerly awaiting hole. Louis had a look of concentration and he looked so tense
that Harry reached out and stroked his arm gently. Louis’ eyes snapped up to
him.
“I want you to enjoy this too, love,” he said, softly. “You look so tense.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Louis admitted, and Harry looked up at him with
what he assumed were heart eyes.
“I trust you,” was all he said. The unspoken words between them clearly were
“and I know that you never will.”
Louis nodded shakily, smiling as he leant down to kiss Harry’s already plump
and Louis-bitten lips. Harry melted into the kiss, allowing Louis to coax his
mouth open with his tongue. He could spend a lifetime with Louis just like
this… he never wanted it to end.
And then Louis was gradually pushing into him and Harry was appreciating for
the first time truly how large Louis is in comparison to his fingers. Harry
wants nothing more to close his eyes and breathe, but he focuses on Louis and
how Louis is kissing every inch of his body to try and distract him from the
discomfort of having something so massive shoved up his sure-to-be-aching-
tomorrow arse. He was truly poetic.
“I’m ready,” he said eventually.
Louis began moving steadily, pulling almost all the way out before thrusting
into him again. His moves were not as erratic as Niall’s were their first time,
and Harry appreciated that, but quickly pushed the thoughts out of his head
because who the hell thinks of their ex while they are in the middle of their
first time with their boyfriend?
And just like that, Louis slams back in and hits Harry’s prostate dead-on,
causing him to throw his head back in sheer pleasure.
“Fuck. Right there, love. Right there!”
Louis held himself above him, the two of them maintaining perfect eye contact
as Louis thrust himself in repeatedly, hitting his prostate every other time.
Harry felt himself being brought closer to the edge and he could tell that
Louis was close too. He watched as Louis’ arms rippled with the strain that he
was putting on them and kissed him.
“I’m so close, love…” he gasped, and Louis’ moves became more erratic.
“Come for me, angel…”
Harry released with a strangled scream. His come was now pooled on his stomach
and Louis helped him ride out his high, his thrusts making his throbbing cock
all the more sensitive. Finally, Louis released into the condom as well, and
Harry soon after felt him soften inside of him before gradually pulling out.
He watched lazily as Louis tied off the condom and tossed it into the waste
bin.
They were silent for several moments, Harry cuddled up in Louis’ arms until the
two of them burst out laughing.
“Blimey, you’d think we were an awkward one-night stand,” choked Louis, his
voice still raspy from sucking him off. “Gosh, we’re a joke Haz.”
Harry grinned up at him.
“It was good though, right?” he asked, uncertainty laced in his voice. Louis
smiled down at him fondly.
“It was the best, angel. Thank you for my lovely gift.” Louis kissed him
sweetly and yeah, for once Harry was certain that he made the right call on a
birthday gift.
***
~Louis’ POV~
You make me feel loved.
He laid awake listening to Harry’s soft snores and rethinking what the younger
lad had said to him earlier in an intense moment of vulnerability.
Louis was not lying when he said that it had been the best. He was likely
understating it, if anything. Louis knew then and there that he did not want to
ever be in this position with anyone other than Harry again. It was hard to
believe that this time last year they were in such a different place, laying
here, but also a million miles apart.
One thing was certain to him now though as he stroked Harry’s growing hair.
He was truly, madly, deeply in love with Harry “angel” Styles.
***
Louis’ realization of his love for Harry did not scare him like he expected it
to when he woke up the next morning. Instead, he felt that he had to tone
himself back because he was being alarmingly obvious with his affections and
feelings toward the boy.
They go over to Harry’s for Christmas Day as usual. Much to Louis’ surprise,
Des joins them as well for tea. It is much less strained than the last get-
together they had and Des and Harry get on well, talking about Man U’s chances
this year. Louis scoffs at them.
Throughout the day, he sticks to Harry’s side like glue and he can tell how
ridiculous he is being following his newly realized feelings. He is on the
receiving end of some strange and calculating looks from Gemma, but he ignores
her, doing the Ross Geller “flip off” motion with his fists periodically,
causing her to snort into her hand.
“Gemma, Harry, come help set the table, please!” called Anne from the other
room. The two Styles children stood up, joining Anne and Jay in the kitchen.
That left Louis and Des together.
It is not like Louis despised the man, but… well, he was not overly fond of
him. Granted, the man had been a larger part of Harry’s life since their last
group dinner, but that still did not make up for the lost years and the way the
separation and eventual divorce went down in the Styles household. What could
he say? He was protective of Harry and hated how upset he was during the entire
ordeal.
“Care to join me on the porch, Louis?” Des said, standing up and walking to the
door. Something in his tone told Louis that it was not so much of an offer as
it was a mild demand. For all the sass Louis could give, he was by no means
disrespectful to adults.
He stood up, following Des outside and stood awkwardly as the older man sat
down on the porch swing. It felt too familiar to sit down next to him like he
would Harry or Gemma, so he opted for the classic rocking chair. It was brisk
and Louis saw his breath appear before fading into the harsh wind that passed
through the porch.
“I realize that you’re not my biggest fan, Louis,” sighed Des after several
prolonged moments. “I’ve done nothing to deserve your respect, but I also never
intended to hurt Harry in the way that I know I have over the years. I am
trying to change for him.”
Louis was silent. Des did not seem perturbed though and continued.
“I also know that you care deeply for him and he, you. That much was perfectly
clear when he announced that the two of you were together months ago.”
“I guess what I’m trying to get at is I want to try and form some sort of
relationship with you. You’ve always been a good lad, but if nothing else then
for Harry’s sake. Do you think that there is any way we could do that?”
Louis mildly resented Des for calling him out on his behavior. He knew that he
was being immature – Harry burying his grudges against Des a while ago, but is
there not some saying about how it is harder to forgive those who hurt the one
you love than it is for the person hurt to forgive that same person?
“I’ll always try to do what’s best for Harry, sir,” replied Louis, playing with
his fingers. “If that means having a cordial relationship with you, I’ll
certainly give it a go. I care about Harry a lot though and I can’t forget what
it was like holding him as he cried because he thought that he was responsible
for you and Anne ending your marriage.”
“You have no grudges against Anne.”
“Yeah, well, she’s been here to compensate for past mistakes.”
He could see that his words cut Des – like he had internally hoped that they
would – but he sighed nonetheless.
“I’m sorry,” he said, slowly. “That was disrespectful of me, I know that I have
no place –”
“No, you don’t,” said Des curtly. “But unfortunately, you’re not wrong.”
The two of them stared at each other, waiting for the other to speak up.
“You love him, don’t you?” Louis froze. “I may not pick up on a lot of things,
Louis, but I’ve seen enough of my mates fall in love and have done it myself to
recognize the look someone gets in his eye when it just clicks.”
“I’ve always loved Harry, sir,” said Louis lowly. “I only just realized how
much.”
Des nodded like he understood, not breaking eye contact with Louis.
“I take it you haven’t told him yet?” Louis shook his head. “Well, where I fall
short in observational skills, I tend to make up in secret-keeping.”
Louis recognized the unspoken agreement and nodded gratefully toward him.
“I only want what’s best for him, Louis. I can’t say that I’m that and my
intention isn’t to patronize you, but he shouldn’t feel like he has to choose
between us, right?”
“Right,” said Louis, running a hand through his hair. “You’re right.”
There was an unspoken agreement between the two of them. A moment later, Harry
stuck his head outside.
“Mum’s put dinner on the table,” Harry said, looking between the pair of them.
Louis saw that he was biting his lip. “Everything all right out here?”
“Yep,” said Louis and Des in unison.
***
Dinner talk flowed much easier than the last time they all sat around the
table. They were all talking about Academy’s prospects for footie this Spring
given that it would be Louis’ last time playing for the team.
“It’s looking like we’ll have a pretty solid team this year,” Louis said to
answer Anne’s question. Then he turned to Des, quirking an amused eyebrow.
“Much better than Man U at least.”
Des and Harry let out roars of outrage as the women laughed, cheering on Louis.
Louis smiled down at his plate, but not without noticing the squeeze of Harry’s
hand or the look of appreciation that he received from Des as he asked him to
pass the potatoes.
***
“Thank you,” said Harry as they laid down on the younger boy’s bed after
dinner.
“For what?” Louis asked him, glancing down at him. Harry just smiled.
“I’m not sure what you and my father spoke about before dinner, but I didn’t
miss the shift. So thank you.”
It would have been an ideal time for Louis to tell Harry then. The timing was
perfect. Harry was happy, it was Christmas and they were both content in
Harry’s bed.
He chickened out.
“You’re welcome, angel.”
***
New Year’s Eve came faster than either of them could have expected. Louis was
grateful to be starting the new year off better than the previous one. He had
high hopes for him and Harry this time around and told him so after they kissed
when the clock struck twelve. Harry just smiled up at him.
“As long as you’re next to me, Lou, it’ll be perfect.”
Louis kissed him again, but in the back of his head he was thinking.
He should have told Harry.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry knew it was going to happen eventually. He had just hoped – more than he
cared to admit – that it would not happen anytime soon.
He was doing homework in his room some time in March when Louis came barreling
in, out-of-breath and with a particular gleam in his eyes. He was all sweaty
from coming straight from footie practice to his home and then right over to
Harry’s. Harry glanced down at the paper in Louis’ hand and felt his heart skip
a beat.
“I’m getting a full ride to the University of Manchester!” Louis bellowed,
before jumping on Harry’s bed.
Normally, Harry would chastise him for getting on his bed before he had
properly showered, but he could not bring himself to do so. Louis looked so
happy, so he plastered what was possibly the fakest smile ever on his face.
“Congrats, love! I knew you could do it!”
Louis pulled back from their hug moments later and scrutinized him. He sighed.
“What?”
Harry looked at him blankly and Louis’ face fell.
“I thought you’d be happy for me…”
“I am Lou! I’m so proud of you, you worked so hard –”
“Then why do you look like I told you that you have to eat liver for the rest
of your life?” Harry grimaced at the thought.
“Lou, I don’t know what you’re –”
“Just forget it. Here I thought that you’d be supportive of me. I didn’t
realize that it would be too much to ask for.” He stood up abruptly and stormed
back out of the room.
“Louis, wait!” Harry called out after him, but the door slammed moments later.
Fuck.
***
Harry had paced around his room until he was blue in the face. He was sixteen-
years-old for crying out loud. He had to start acting like it. He knew that
Louis was upset with him and he had every right to be. This was Louis’ future
they were talking about and Harry had practically dismissed it like it was a
piece of gum stuck to his shoe.
Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but he could have been more supportive.
He came to a decision. He was going to go over to Louis’ and grovel until he
forgave him for acting like a complete arse.
He climbed down his fire escape and hurried over to Louis’ house, not bothering
to knock as he went in. He said hello to Jay as he passed her, and it looked
like she wanted to say something to him, but he hurried past her. They could
speak later.
He ran up to Louis’ room, pushing open the door and froze.
He stared blankly as Louis sat on his bed, head in his hands as Eleanor rubbed
him on the back, whispering something to him while gripping his forearm. He
cleared his throat and both of their heads shot up. He chose to ignore Louis’
bloodshot eyes.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize that I would be interrupting,” he said, his voice
cooler than he expected it to be.
“No, Haz, it’s not – shit, don’t go there,” said Louis, standing up. Eleanor
quickly withdrew her hands from him.
“Don’t go where, exactly? Should I not be bothered by the fact that my
boyfriend’s ex is currently comforting him behind his closed bedroom door?
Blimey, should I be happy? Thank you, Eleanor. Thank you so much.”
“Don’t talk to her like that,” snapped Louis. “She doesn’t deserve that.”
“You’re right. She’s not the one who went running to her ex for comfort. That
was all you.”
“I think I’ll – erm take my leave,” said Eleanor quietly, grabbing her bag. She
hurried out of the room without looking at either one of them. Louis looked
furious.
“She’s one of my closest friends, Harry!” he screamed. “She was home for the
weekend and came over to say hey. I didn’t invite her over so that I could cry
on her shoulder or so we could do whatever else you’re accusing me of doing!”
“Really? It looked pretty cozy when I walked in and not at all like a quick
hello.”
“You do talk some shit sometimes,” snapped Louis, his fists clenched together.
“Is your head really so far up your arse that you’d think I would ever cheat on
you?”
“I don’t know, Lou. I don't know. Remind me how we got into this relationship?”
Louis’ face hardened and he pointed a finger at him.
“Don’t throw that in my face,” he warned. “You were as much at fault in that as
I was. More so, even – I ended things with Eleanor long before you ended it
with Niall.”
He knew that he had backed himself into a corner with that low blow, but he
continued to talk nonsense. The fear and self-doubt wiggling in the back of his
mind constantly was beginning to twist themselves into anger and bitterness
toward Louis.
“Do you know how terrifying it is knowing that those feelings you had toward
Eleanor, toward any other girl are still there? Do you know how scared I am not
only that I could lose you to another bloke, but to a random girl as well?”
“You could never lose me to anyone else, Harry,” said Louis, his words laced
with anger. “But keep throwing my sexuality in my face and you’ll make a damn
good job of losing me all by yourself.”
“I can’t help that I’m bisexual. For fuck’s sake, I didn't choose it like I
chose what colour trousers I was going to put on this morning. All that fear
you just mentioned – it shouldn’t even be used against me when we’re supposed
to trust each other! I trust that you wouldn’t up and leave me for some other
bloke, and I expect the same courtesy from you! It’s down to trust, Harry.
Trust and –” Louis trailed off.
“Trust and what?” Harry asked, looking at Louis wage an internal battle.
He watched Louis cover his face with his hands in anguish. He walked over to
Louis quickly, wrapping his hands around Louis’ wrists and tugging at them
gently.
“Louis, please. Speak to me.”
Louis looked at him, regret in his eyes.
“I shouldn't have said it like this… I didn’t mean to –”
“Louis, what?”
“Trust and love, Harry, okay? Trust and love.”
Harry stared at him, watching as the older boy crumbled in front of his eyes
before he pulled him into a tight embrace. He carded his hand through Louis’
hair as he used the other to rub soothing circles on Louis’ back. He felt Louis
shaking against him and held him tighter, despite being the smaller of the two
of them.
He had no idea that Louis had felt this way. For how long? He had not really
thought of love that much, used to the idea of loving Louis in the way that he
had always loved him, before romantic feelings came into play. Now that the
idea had been properly introduced to him by way of Louis indirectly admitting
his feelings, Harry felt warmer than he had in a while. Warmer than he thought
it was possible to be.
“Louis, love, please look at me,” he said, softly.
He looked into Louis’ gorgeous blue eyes, which were currently bloodshot and
had dark circles under them. He padded away the wetness that had grown in them.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I – I was more scared than I gave myself credit for.” Harry chuckled.
“I can’t say for certain that I’m at the same place,” said Harry honestly, “but
I’m closer to being there than I’ve ever been before, Lou. I’m only sixteen,
you remember how you felt when you were sixteen? You were still dating Eleanor
and I had just come out to you in a sobbing mess in my bedroom.”
Louis smiled slightly, and Harry smacked him gently on the nose.
“The point is,” he continued, “I’m not sure that I know how to love anyone yet,
Louis. I know that I will eventually though and when I do, I’m certain that
I’ll still want to find out with you. That is… if you’re okay with waiting.”
He looked into Louis’ eyes hopefully. He saw a lot in those eyes – he saw
sadness, but he also saw hope and happiness and complete adoration that he
never imagined could be directed at him. Louis was a lot to him – more than he
could properly put into words.
“I’ll wait for however long you need, angel,” replied Louis. “I’d wait a
thousand lifetimes if that was what it took.”
Harry rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to say something sarcastic – Louis
was really rubbing off more and more on him – but not before Louis cut him off
with a sweet kiss that left his head spinning when they pulled apart.
“I’m sorry for before,” he said as they sat down on Louis’ bed. “I was acting
like a jealous git. I shouldn’t have thrown all my own self-doubt in your
face.”
“Hey,” said Louis, looking at him softly. “Thank you. I’m sorry for how it
looked, but you have to know that no matter how much you think otherwise, I’ll
never leave you, angel. You’re everything to me, Haz.”
Harry smiled, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder.
“I did come over here with a purpose though,” he sighed. “I wanted to apologize
for how I reacted when you told me about Manchester.”
“I want to be supportive Lou, and I am truly happy for you. I’m terrified
though that when you go off to school that’ll be the end of us. I know it seems
ridiculous, but you’re just – you’re magnetic. You’ll have everyone gravitating
to you because you’re this wonderfully bright, energetic, gorgeous person and
I’ll be here. I’m afraid you’ll resent me for holding you back when you could
be going out and experiencing life.”
He had not realized how terrified he was of all these things until he laid his
heart and soul out for Louis. Sure, he knew that he was afraid of the future,
but now that he had said all that was on his mind, he truly realized to what
extent he was afraid.
“I know it’s impossible to convince you now, but I could never resent you,
angel. I had no idea that you were feeling this way and by the look on your
face, I don’t think you did either. You need to talk to me when you feel this
way. As for going off to school, Manchester’s less than an hour from here. We
can visit each other whenever we have time, even if it means meeting half way
sometimes when we’re swamped. We can Skype too! I hear Skype sex is pretty
fun.” He let out a cackle, which caused Louis to laugh as well. Louis smiled
fondly at him.
“This is not the end, angel,” said Louis, holding him tightly. “We can make
it.”
Harry smiled.
“I know.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
“Come on Haz, you have to do it!”
“Absolutely not, Louis.”
“But you’d be absolutely brilliant.”
“Not a chance in hell.”
“Why won’t you do it for me?”
Harry sighed, putting his pencil down. He ran a hand over his face
exasperatedly.
“Louis, you know I can’t perform in front of people. I clam up and it terrifies
me beyond belief. Why would I want to subject myself to that? More importantly,
why would you want to subject me to that?”
He took Harry’s hand in his own. Academy’s Talent Show would be in a month’s
time and it was his last one. He wanted Harry so badly to perform. He knew that
once Harry did, he would gain a whole new level of confidence he never had
before. He said as much to Harry in response, but Harry shook his head.
“I couldn’t, Lou. I’m sorry.” Louis bit his lip.
“What if I told you that I had been planning on performing as well?” Harry
looked up at him in surprise. “And that I had written an original piece,
myself.”
“I’d say you’re full of shit, but you look pretty damn serious. Why didn’t you
tell me, Lou? That’s great!”
“I’ll only perform though if you perform as well.” Harry groaned. “I wouldn’t
insist if I didn’t think that you could do it, angel. I don’t want you to miss
any opportunities because you think you’re not good enough.”
Harry bit his lip in contemplation. Finally, he nodded slowly.
“Fine, I’ll think about it,” he said. “But only because you said you’d perform
yourself. Deal’s off if you decide not to.”
Louis grinned ear-to-ear, but inside his stomach erupted butterflies.
Look’s like he has less than a month to prepare an original song.
***
Louis did not take into account how difficult songwriting could be. Harry had
made it seem easy. He had watched Harry writing in the past, the intense
concentration shown through the added lines on his face. Harry always ended a
“writing session” with something though. So far Louis had nothing and he was
starting to panic because he only had three weeks until he had to perform. If
he did not come up with something, Harry would back out and he could not have
Harry miss this chance to show himself.
He picked up his phone, searching through his contacts list for the number that
he needed. He held the phone up to his ear.
“What’s up, Louis?”
“I’m gonna die!”
There was a pause on the other end.
“Want to run that by me again?” Louis huffed.
“I’m screwed Liam. I can’t come up with any lyrics for the song I’m going to
perform in the talent show! But good to know you’d be ready to run to my aid if
I were in actual trouble.” He could practically see Liam rolling his eyes on
the other side.
“Mate, I didn’t even know you were performing. Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have
done it with you.”
Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Don’t say that because now I feel like an even bigger idiot. I can’t anyways,
I told Harry I was performing a solo piece that I wrote so that he would
perform as well.”
“And your problem is…?”
“Keep up, Payno! The problem is that I have squat and I don’t know how to write
a song and I can’t ask Harry because he think that it’s done already!”
He heard Liam sigh on the other line.
“Well, I haven’t written much, but everything I’ve ever heard – rule of thumb
is to write about what you know. Like something that means a great deal to
you.”
Louis was about to curse Liam out for his vague ass answer when inspiration
struck him and his eyes widened extraordinarily.
“Thanks Payno!” He hung up and tossed his phone aside before Liam could respond
to him further. With a new vigor, he began writing again.
***
It was the day of the talent show and Louis was about to have an aneurism. He
did not look nearly as petrified as Harry though, so he tried to keep a brave
face on for him.
Harry had refused to tell him what he would be performing, only giving away
that it was a cover. Louis had Liam filming in the crowd for him so that they
could watch it back later, but Harry did not need to know that right now.
Harry suddenly turned to him.
“I think I’m going to vomit.”
“You’ll be fine, angel, it’s just nerves.” Louis felt odd being on the other
side of the stage fright pep talk. He remembered when Harry gave him the same
talk before they went into Niall’s flat. Today was extremely different though.
There were at least four hundred people out there, including parents and family
members. Both of their families were there today, having caught wind that they
would be performing and that did not help.
“Next up is Louis Tomlinson.”
Louis felt himself break out into a sweat. They were going by year in
descending order, so Harry still had some time to prepare, but now it was his
go and he did not feel ready by any means. What if he forgot the lyrics? What
if he stuttered. What if he pulled a “Pitch Perfect” moment and vomited all
over the audience? What if –?
“Go Louis!” Harry hissed, pushing him forward.
He stumbled forward, a sound technician handing him a microphone as he went. He
regained his balance, but still walked unsteadily onto the stage. He was out of
his depth here and he knew it and the audience knew it as well.
“Don’t take it personally, but I’m not going to pretend that you’re all in your
underwear,” he spoke into the microphone.
When in doubt, make a joke about it.
The audience laughed, humoring him and he appreciated it. He felt his nerves
die down and looked over to the side of the stage. Harry gave him a supportive
thumbs up.
“So, this song is one that I’ve written myself,” he said, pulling the
microphone back slightly so he was not holding it so close to himself. “In
fact… I actually kind of wrote it for someone who’s here tonight.” He glanced
back at Harry and saw that he had a stunned look of realization on his face. He
smiled slightly. “The name of the song is ’18.’ I hope you like it.”
He cleared his throat slight, nodding to the sound technician. She clicked the
button that held a recording of the instrumental he had recorded with Liam’s
help.
He took a deep breath as it came to the intro and began.
I got a heart
And I got a soul
Believe me I will use them both
We made a start
Be it a false one, I know
Baby, I don't want to feel alone
Louis let out a deep breath, closing his eyes and placing a hand on his
stomach.
So kiss me where I lay down
My hands pressed to your cheeks
A long way from the playground
I have loved you since we were 18
Long before we both thought the same thing
To be loved and to be in love
All I could do is say that these arms were made for holding you
I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18
He looked out to the audience and saw that everyone had bright expressions on
their faces, so clearly it was not going badly. He saw Liam and his mum give
him a thumbs up, giving him the confidence to continue.
We took a chance
God knows we tried
Yet all along, I knew we'd be fine
So pour me a drink, oh, love,
Let's split the night wide open and we'll see everything
We can livin' love in slow motion, motion, motion
So kiss me where I lay down
My hands pressed to your cheeks
A long way from the playground
I have loved you since we were 18
Long before we both thought the same thing
To be loved and to be in love
And all I could do is say that these arms were made for holding you, oh
And I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18
When we were 18
Oh, Lord, when we were 18
Kiss me where I lay down
My hands pressed to your cheeks
A long way from the playground
He was feeling loads more confident by this point. He voice had not cracked at
all and he knew that he would not forget the next part of the song. He slowly
turned so that he was facing Harry, looking directly at him off stage.
I have loved you since we were 18
Long before we both thought the same thing
To be loved and to be in love
He saw tears streaming down Harry’s cheeks as he maintained complete eye
contact with the younger boy. He turned back to the audience.
And all I could do is say that these arms were made for holding you
I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18
I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18
I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18
The recording gradually died off and he opened his eyes, having closed them
once more, and the audience burst into applause. He saw Liam wolf-whistling
from his seat and his mum and Anne both were cheering loudly, tears in their
eyes.
He grinned, hurrying off the stage where he was immediately pulled into a tight
embrace by Harry. He felt Harry kissing every part of his skin, lighting it on
fire.
“I take it you liked it then?”
“I loved it, Lou,” cried Harry, his eyes still wet from crying. He then looked
at Louis seriously and Louis felt a nervous stir within him.
“What? What is it? What’s wrong?” Harry just shook his head. He opened his
mouth to speak when –
“Next up is Harry Styles!”
Already? Had they been distracted that long?
“Wish me luck Lou,” he said, nervously. Louis shook his head.
“Angels don't need luck, Haz.”
“Cheese ball.”
“Goof.”
He watched as Harry walked on stage, eager to hear his song finally.
***
~Harry’s POV~
Harry felt time stop when Louis turned to look at him during the song.
I have loved you since we were 18
Long before we both thought the same thing
To be loved and to be in love
He was fully aware of the tears streaming down his cheeks as he maintained
complete eye contact with Louis.
He watched as Louis turned back to the audience, engaging them completely, but
also shutting them out. This was their song and Louis clearly had every
intention of keeping it that way. Harry felt something deep stirring within him
and at first he thought it was simply nerves, but…
No, he knew exactly what it was.
He then became aware that Louis was running off stage and attacked him,
peppering him with kisses everywhere, not caring who was watching them.
“I take it you liked it then?” Louis asked him, laughter in his voice.
“I loved it, Lou,” he cried. He could not stop crying, but then again, he did
not want to. Eventually, he looked at Louis seriously. He had to tell him.
“What? What is it? What’s wrong?” He just shook his head. He opened his mouth
to speak when –
“Next up is Harry Styles!”
He inwardly deflated. There would be time. In fact, he knew exactly when as
well.
“Wish me luck Lou,” he said instead. His nerves had returned, not for only one
reason this time though. Louis shook his head.
“Angels don't need luck, Haz.”
“Cheese ball.”
“Goof.”
He grabbed the microphone from the sound technician and wiped his eyes,
anticipation filling him as he took the stage.
“Sorry for my appearance,” he said, surprised by how easily his voice came. “My
arse of a boyfriend Louis Tomlinson thought it’d be nice to make me cry
before.”
Everyone awed in the audience and he received a wolf-whistle, which he saw came
from Liam. He grinned, looking over at Louis who was smiling fondly at him. He
then turned back to the audience guilty.
“Sorry for cursing mum.” Everyone burst out laughing, including Louis, he could
hear cackling from the side.
“Anyways, I’ll be singing Rihanna’s song ‘FourFiveSeconds.’” (I’m aware this
song wouldn’t have been out at this point)
He took a deep breath as the music began playing and looked out at the
audience.
I think I've had enough
I might get a little drunk
I say what’s on my mind
I might do a little time
‘Cause all of my kindness
Is taken for weakness
When he first decided that he would perform, he knew that this song would be a
perfect choice for him. All his life he was told that he was too nice and too
kind and that it would only cause him pain. He refused to see his kindness as a
burden anymore though. He was not weak from it and he would now allow anyone
else to make him feel that way.
Now I’m Four Five Seconds from wildin’
And we got three more days ‘til Friday
I’m just tryna make it back home by Monday mornin’
I swear I wish somebody would tell me
Ooh, that’s all I want
He saw his mum grinning in the audience and gave her a small wink. She laughed
into her hand and he smiled. His nerves seemed to be floating away with each
line.
Woke up an optimist
Sun was shinin’, I'm positive
Then I heard you was talkin’ trash
Hold me back, I’m ‘bout to crash
Yeah I'm ‘bout Four Five Seconds from wildin’
And we got three more days ‘til Friday
I'm tryna make it back home by Monday mornin’
I swear I wish somebody would drive me
Ooh, that’s all I want
He closed his eyes, completely connecting to the words as he continued.
And I know that you’re up tonight
Thinkin’ how could I be so selfish?
But you called ‘bout a thousand times
Wondering where I’ve been
Now I know that you're up tonight
Thinkin’ how could I be so reckless?
But I just can’t apologize
I hope you can understand
He turned to face Louis, a small smile playing on his lips.
If I go to jail tonight
Promise you'll pay my bail
See they want to buy my pride
But that just ain’t up for sale
See all of my kindness
Is taken for weakness
Louis was looking at him like the shine shone out of him. He wanted to memorize
the look on Louis’ face for the rest of his life so that whenever he was afraid
or nervous, he would remember this moment and how Louis was helping his dreams
come true.
Now I'm Four Five Seconds from wildin’
And we got three more days ‘til Friday
I’m tryna make it back home by Monday mornin’
I swear I wish somebody would tell me
Ooh, that's all I want
Four Five Seconds from wildin’
And we got three more days ‘til Friday
Just tryna make it back home by Monday mornin’
I swear I wish somebody would tell me
‘Cause that's all I want
The instrumental ended and Harry opened his eyes, smiling widely in the way
that he knew his dimple would be showing. Then, to his complete surprise, the
audience were on their feet cheering and stomping and whistling for him. He
never expected such a response and he feels like it is with someone else’s feet
that he walks off stage and into Louis’ arms. When they pull back, Louis kisses
him deeply before pressing his forehead against his own. He stared into Louis’
eyes.
“I’m so, so, so proud of you, angel,” he whispered. “I knew that you could do
it.”
“I’m glad you convinced me to,” he admitted, and Louis smiled at him.
“What can I say? When the assets outweigh the alternative…” Louis looked at him
suggestively and Harry smacked his shoulder.
The pair of them laughed until they heard a throat clear behind them. They
pulled apart slightly, not letting go of each other, but enough to look at the
source of the noise.
“Mr. Styles?” Harry nodded. “I’m Jonathan Wiggs. I heard you perform out there
and I must say, you have a remarkable voice.”
Harry flushed under the praise from a complete stranger.
“Thank you, sir. That’s extremely kind of you.” The man smiled.
“I happen to be from a record agency. We come here every year looking for fresh
voices that we think have excellent potential. Would you be interested?”
Harry froze. Was this man asking…?
“What – What exactly are you proposing, sir?” he asked shakily, squeezing
Louis’ hand tightly. He felt the same pressure being extended his way.
“I’m extremely interested in hearing you sing some more and I am sure my boss
would be as well. What I am offering is for you to come down to our office and
then if things go as planned, to our studios to record a few demos.”
He was stunned. Never in a million years did he imagine an offer like this
would come and land right in his lap. He turned to Louis who looked equally
amazed.
“What do you think, Lou?” he said, his voice coming out squeakier than he would
have liked it to in front of this professional man. Louis looked at him.
“Chances like this don’t come around often, Haz. It’s your call though.”
“Your friend is right, Mr. Styles.”
“Boyfriend,” Harry corrected automatically.
“…Right.”
Harry stared at the man for a few more moments before nodding.
“I have to speak to my mum first,” he said. “But I’m more than interested.”
“Of course,” Mr. Wiggs said. He reached into his suit jacket before brandishing
his card. “Here’s my card – it has all of my contact information, as well as
our office location. If you do decide to take me up on my offer, call ahead and
my secretary will set you up with an appointment so that my executives and I
can meet with you.”
Harry nodded dumbly, still trying to comprehend the enormity of it all. Mr.
Wiggs nodded to them one more time before walking off briskly. Harry turned to
Louis.
“Did that just happen?” he asked Louis, and Louis let out a muffled scream into
his hand.
“You did it, angel!” he hissed. He lifted Harry up, spinning him around and
causing Harry to laugh. “My boyfriend’s going to be famous!”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” snorted Harry. “I still have to talk to mum and
even if she agreed, there’s no guarantee that they’ll like me or I’ll be any
good.”
Louis was about to open his mouth – likely to protest – when he was cut off.
“And the winner of Academy’s 2010 Talent Show is… Harry Styles!”
The audience erupted into cheers and Louis turned back to face him.
“I think that refutes your point better than I ever could have,” he said
cheekily.
Harry smiled bashfully at him and went on stage to accept his certificate. He
waved to the audience, giving a bow and then walked back off stage to where
Louis stood.
“You deserved this more, Lou. Your song came straight from your heart.”
“And your song spoke from a greater experience than I ever could have put into
words,” Louis replied. “It was never a competition between us, angel. I’m glad
you won.”
Harry kissed him in response, before hurrying off to join their families in the
dining hall for refreshments and snacks.
What a day.
***
He is not surprised that despite his parents being thrilled when he tells them
about the scout offering him a chance at making a demo, they still insist that
they have long conversations about how it could potentially impact his
schooling now and in the future. He completely understands and although he gets
that they want him to focus solely on finishing his time at Academy, he is more
than ready to leave that place behind him.
Their talks take a substantial amount of time, and they do eventually agree for
him to go down to the offices and speak with Mr. Wiggs, as long as they
accompany him with a lawyer present. It is all highly legal and technical and
most of it goes over his head, but from what he gathers, the higher-ups are
ready to sign him on if the demos prove to be worthy of anything, so the ball
is really in his parents court.
In all of this time, he and Louis have only grown stronger, despite being able
to spend a limited amount of time around each other. Louis is busy with
finishing the year before uni and keeping up with football practice, so most of
his days and nights are occupied studying and catching up on some much needed
rest. That does not stop him from coming over on the weekends and spending
entire days with Harry, some that are spent having multiple rounds of sex until
they are both panting and sweaty messes. Harry would say that the novelty has
worn off by now, but he has a feeling that sex with Louis will never get old
simply because he feels so cared for every time Louis tops.
Today is the day though. His parents called him downstairs – his father had
stayed for dinner – and he knew that meant they were ready to give him their
final answer. He had not been this nervous to confront both of his parents at
the same time since they decided to announce their divorce – even though he and
Gemma both already knew.
So now, he tried not to trip as he hurried down the stairs, his limbs somehow
managing to get in the way. He sat down nervously on the couch in front of his
parents who were both sitting in parallel armchairs that faced him. He waited
with baited breath.
“So, as you know, we talked some more about the possibility of you pursuing
this opportunity,” began Anne, looking at Des, who nodded along her. “And we
have both come to a mutual agreement.”
At least they were not going to beat around the bush.
“You’ll have to keep up with your studies,” she continued. “We already spoke
with Headmaster Cowell, and he was receptive to the idea. Academy is willing to
accommodate you with online courses and summer credits, so you would have to
continue your studies over the summer, no shortcuts –”
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” he asked, his eyes widening.
His parents looked at each other and then smiled at him.
“As long as you maintain your marks so that the option for uni is still there,”
began Des, “we are willing to see where this opportunity could go –”
Harry jumped up from his sitting position and collided with his parents, first
going to hug his mum and then his dad. He kept repeating ‘thank you’s’ until he
was certain that he was going to go blue in the face.
“I have to tell Louis!”
He heard both of his parents chuckle as he ran out of the house. As he took off
at a sprint, he pulled out his phone.
Meet me at the playground as soon as possible! xx H.
Only u would spell out asap, angel. Be there in five x.
He rolled his eyes.
And your grammar is atrocious. But we all have our crosses to bear in life.
Insulting my perfectly adequate txts! im hurt, Styles.
He locked his phone, slowing his pace down to a brisk walk. He arrived at the
playground moments later and sat down on one of the swings. He glanced at the
ground, biting his lip anxiously. He knew that Louis would be thrilled for him,
he had been on edge just like him waiting for his parents to make a decision.
The wait was killing Louis just as much as it was him. Tonight was not only
about the final decision though.
He had been wanting to tell Louis that he loved him back since that night at
the talent show before he went on, but he wanted to do it properly and with the
craziness of the past few months, it had slipped by the wayside. Now, he was
ready to do it right.
He was so engrossed with pushing the woodchips on the ground in front of him
that he hardly heard the footsteps approaching him.
“Hey angel.”
He looked up, his heartbeat increasing when he was met with Louis’ sparkly blue
gaze. Even at night when it was dark, he still could see how blue his eyes
were.
“Hey love,” he smiled easily. He opened his mouth to continue, but he went
blank.
“Can I push you?”
He laughed. Of course Louis wanted to push him – he always did whenever they
came to the playground. It was somewhat of a tradition of theirs that was never
forgotten.
“Sure.”
He waited for Louis to come behind him before he pushed off. He soared through
the air, grinning widely at the feeling of elation coursing through his veins.
He felt like he was the most powerful person in the world when Louis pushed
him. Like he could soar through the clouds and touch them with his fingertips.
It was an unstoppable feeling.
“You know, every time we do this I can’t help but think of that time when we
were younger and I was pushing you.” He smiled.
“Tell me how it went again?” He knew the story by heart, but since he could not
actually remember it firsthand, he had Louis recount it every time it was
mentioned.
“Well, we were in the park with our mums,” Louis began, and Harry could
practically hear the smile creeping in as he told the story, “and I was pushing
you on the swings, but you wanted to go higher.”
“So of course, I had to try and push you higher because as I so eloquently put
it, ‘you looked like an angel.’ Pretty sure I was gone for you then, Haz.” He
flushed, even though he knew that Louis could not see him. “As luck would have
it, I didn’t account for gravity and before I knew it, you had swooped me off
my feet.”
“Sounds like I was a smooth operator,” he teased, and Louis laughed faintly.
“Yeah, I suppose you – oof!” He heard a thud behind him and panicked.
“Louis?” He turned around and saw Louis sprawled on the ground. “Louis! Are you
okay?” He rushed over to him, straddling him and checking his head for bumps.
“’M fine. Just reacted too slow,” Louis mumbled, holding his head.
“You idiot! I asked you to retell the story, not reenact it!” Louis chuckled as
well and before they knew it, the two of them were laughing on the ground.
“I’ve always had a hard time not falling for you, angel,” said Louis sweetly.
Harry was so full of love in that moment that he surged forward, kissing Louis.
He could tell that he caught Louis off guard, but he responded almost
immediately, his fingers holding his curls tightly and massaging his scalp like
Louis knew he liked. He broke apart moments later before Louis made him horny
on the spot.
“My parents said yes,” he breathed. “I can go to the studio and record a demo
and see if it goes anywhere. I just need to keep up with my studies, but I can
go!”
Louis’ face was indescribable. He went from shock to happiness to pure fond in
a matter of seconds before he launched forward, Harry now the one with his back
on the ground. He looked up at Louis cheekily.
“I knew you liked me better under you.” Louis looked at him fondly.
“I’m so proud of you, angel,” he whispered into his lips. Louis took his bottom
lip between his own and sucked on it, eliciting a moan from Harry. “I knew you
could do it.”
“I haven’t done it yet,” he panted, trying to control his body under Louis.
“But you will,” Louis insisted. “And when you become a pop/indie sensation like
you were born to be, I’ll be in the front row wearing all of your goofy merch.”
“Living that groupie life?”
“Absolutely. Just me though. If I catch wind of other groupies, we’ll have
words.”
“Deal,” he grinned. He turned serious. “I couldn’t have done it without you,
Lou.”
“Haz –”
“No, let me finish,” he insisted. “I never would’ve had the courage to go on
stage that day if it hadn’t been for you convincing me to give it a shot. If I
hadn’t gone on, I never would’ve had this amazing opportunity and even if it
doesn’t pan out, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for always supporting
me even when I didn’t want you to.”
“You never have to thank me, angel,” said Louis, stroking his cheek.
“I don’t ever think I’ll properly be able to, but that won’t stop me from
trying.” He took a deep breath, looking at Louis closely. “I love you, Lou.”
***
~Louis’ POV~
When Harry told him that he was going to be able to record the demo, he could
not express the happiness and pride that surged through him for the boy below
him. Words could not express how thrilled he was that things were finally
falling into place for the boy that was dealt such a poor hand for so many
years.
Then when Harry gave him that speech about never being properly able to thank
him for supporting him, he was convinced that he was going to start blubbering
like a proper baby and become an incoherent mess. Thankfully, he held it
together.
But then Harry told him that he loves him. The words that he has been waiting
patiently and hoping to hear for months now – nearly half a year. He had been
prepared to wait longer to hear it, not expecting it to escape the boy’s lips
any time soon, but those words knocked the breath out of him more than any
swing could.
“Lou, you haven’t blinked in two minutes, you’re starting to scare me.”
He snapped out of his reverie, smiling down at Harry.
“I just – I never – really?” Harry snorted.
“My heartfelt speech and all I get in return are three incoherent thoughts? I’m
wounded, Lou.” He slapped Harry’s arm playfully.
“You really love me?” he asked, softer. Harry nodded shyly. “I don’t care where
we end up in the future, Harry Edward Styles. You’re never leaving my side.”
“Wherever we end up – next to you?”
“Next to you,” Louis repeated, before he cupped Harry’s cheeks and kissed him.
When they broke apart, Harry glanced up at him with humor in his eyes.
“What?” he asked, somewhat self-consciously. Harry simply responded by singing,
his still slightly high, but slow voice entrancing Louis.
So kiss me where I lay down
My hands pressed to your cheeks
A long way from the playground
I have loved you since we were 18
Long before we both thought the same thing
To be loved and to be in love
All I could do is say that these arms were made for holding you
I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18
He stared back at the boy beneath him, stunned.
“I have loved you since I was 18,” he smiled, his eyes crinkling by the sides.
“I love you, angel.”
“I love you too, Lou.”
And he thinks that could be more than enough.
Chapter End Notes
     I really hope that you enjoyed the story and if you made it this far,
     I'm honored. If this receives the attention I hope it does, I will
     likely continue it. Regardless, I probably will continue because by
     no means do I feel like this is the end of their story, but it's
     truly in your hands. I appreciate any comments with your thoughts,
     likes, or dislikes, and please leave a kudos! That's always nice to
     see :) Thank you!
     To contact me:
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