Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/47369.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_Rowling
  Relationship:
      Remus_Lupin/Severus_Snape
  Character:
      Severus_Snape, Remus_Lupin
  Stats:
      Published: 2005-06-08 Words: 32458
****** Lupin's Worst Memory ******
by Snegurochka
Summary
     What if Lupin's worst memory was the same as Snape's? After a teenage
     romance goes awry, Lupin is forced to choose between his friends and
     his lover.
     ~33,000 words. NC-17. Consensual underage sex. May/June 2005.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
Prologue: The Pensieve
He didn't think about Snape anymore, but when he did, he thought about the
scars.
There was the long, purple one that curled around his torso, and the smaller
ones that dotted his stomach and his back. Those were just the ones on the
outside, though, and Remus knew there were scars elsewhere, painful welts of a
different kind lanced across his subconscious.
At least, Remus hoped there were – so he could feel a bit better about his own.
He needed to believe that Snape had them, too, that Snape still thought about
it sometimes, that Snape felt.
They had never talked about what had happened, and how could they? How could
they. They weren't fated to be together, and they weren't star-crossed. And
anyway, they had just been kids. Nothing that happens at that age means
anything – not hate, and certainly not love.
Maybe that knowledge was the only way he had been able to forgive his friends
for that day – celebrating the end of OWLs, visiting each other over the
summer, getting drunk at James and Lily's wedding, promising to look after the
baby. Because he knew the hate hadn't been real, hadn't mattered.
Wouldn't it be nice if that were true.
No, he didn't think about Snape anymore. They were not friends; they spoke only
when required, and then with careful civility. The past was best left buried,
repressed, pounded into dust with a heavy boot. A person should not, under any
circumstances, look up at his own fireplace one idle day, and suddenly have to
face that past.
                                     ~~~~~
"Sirius?"
Remus jumped. "Harry!" he exclaimed, peering into the fireplace. "What are you
– what's happened, is everything all right?"
"Yeah," Harry answered. "I just wondered – I mean, I just fancied- a chat with
Sirius."
A chat? Now? Remus frowned, rising from his chair. "I'll call him. He went
upstairs to look for Kreacher, he seems to be hiding in the attic again…" He
hurried from the kitchen and called for Sirius upstairs.
"Fucking toe rag's probably gone off with the bitch's garters, for fuck's
sake," he heard Sirius mutter from the staircase. "What?" Sirius then called to
Remus, a shaggy head appearing over the banister of the second-floor landing.
"Get down to the kitchen," Remus insisted. "Harry's here."
Sirius's eyes widened and he ran down the stairs, almost knocking Remus out of
the way at the bottom. Remus glared at him, but recovered himself enough to
push open the door to the kitchen first, Sirius following closely, and he stood
aside for a moment as Sirius fell to his knees in front of the fire.
"What is it?" asked Sirius quickly. "Are you all right? Do you need help?"
Remus knelt beside Sirius, watching them both with interest. Something was off
about this visit. If Harry was in trouble at the school, they would already
know about it, either from the portraits, or Minerva, or even Snape. He may not
like the kid, but he would notify the Order if Harry was in danger; of that
Remus was certain. There had been no word from any of them, however.
"No," Harry answered, confirming Remus's suspicions, "it's nothing like that… I
just wanted to talk… about my dad."
Remus glanced over at Sirius to find his friend throwing a sidelong look back,
and he tried to steel himself. Even after all these years, it was difficult to
talk about James, and he knew that Sirius found it even harder. The two of them
had been like two halves of the same person, really. Remus knew that however he
and Peter had fit into the mix, they never could have infiltrated that bond
between James and Sirius. It was to James that Sirius had gone when he had left
the Black house; it was to James that Sirius had whispered suspicions about the
traitor in the Order during the First War; and it was for James that Sirius had
always done everything. Remus had no doubt that Sirius had come up with the
Animagus idea to impress James, not Remus, and that that terrible night with
Snape, and the Shack, had been planned for similar reasons.
He looked back at James's face in the fireplace and swallowed. James and Sirius
– his best friends. Peter had turned against them all, but not James and
Sirius, no – they always looked out for Remus, always did what was best for
him, always –
As Harry's disembodied head replayed for him and Sirius the scene they had
lived, all those years ago on the shores of the Lake, the day of their Defence
Against the Dark Arts OWL, Remus felt short of breath – but more like a slow
drowning sensation than a quick right hook to the gut.
They always did what they wanted, not what you wanted.Fucking hell. He closed
his eyes.
Severus.
                                     ~~~~~
 
Remus's lungs filled with a new drop of water with every word out of Harry's
mouth. And then- then I think I saw my mum, but she was really angry with my
dad. The tide rose and rose, like wet fingers choking Remus. He had these
greying underpants, really just- I don't know. But you and my dad were laughing
at him, Sirius.
Remus noticed out of the corner of his eye that Sirius was frowning, and he
focused all his energy on watching Harry's face in the flames as impassively as
he could. It would be so much easier to do, he thought grimly, if only he could
breathe. He had to get a hold of himself; this was ridiculous. He couldn't let
either Harry or Sirius see how rattled he was.
A Pensieve. Snape had ensured that memory was carefully tucked away from
Harry's probing mind. He didn't blame Snape for wishing to keep that particular
memory as far out of Harry's reach as possible.
I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her.
Fuck. Twenty years of careful repression, and Harry had to come along and sock
him in the gut with it all over again. It was stupid – it was just so
unbelievably stupid that after all these years, that memory could still make
him want to vomit. What did he care, that Snape had been humiliated in front of
the whole school that day? He'd deserved it, after what he'd called Lily.
Before, his brain yelled at him – it happened before he said anything to Lily,
and you know it.
Remus listened to Harry's story with a gnawing ache in his stomach. He tried to
avoid the memories; he tried to push them down, somewhere deep and
inaccessible, where they had lain undisturbed for twenty years, somewhere he
would never, ever have to relive them. He tried, but it was impossible. He was
thirty-six years old now; he should not be held hostage by the mistakes of his
youth. No one Remus's age should have the pain of past events thrust upon them
long after it was too late to change them.
He gritted his teeth and shook his head, willing away the image of James
swirling in the fire in front of him.
Snogging blokes is one thing, Moony, and it's a bit sick if you want to know
the truth, but fuck it, as long as you're getting some then we'll let it go.
But fucking around with a greasy vampire bat behind our backs? You didn't
really think we wouldn't find out, did you?
The kid had stopped talking. Remus needed to say something. One of them needed
to say something, and Remus could see that Sirius was gone, off in that faraway
place he went to when he couldn't deal with the memories. He would be back, but
not yet. Remus cleared his throat and tried to still his own racing heart. "I
wouldn't like you to judge your father on what you saw there, Harry," he
ventured. "He was only fifteen–"
"I'm fifteen!" Harry interrupted.
Remus resisted the urge to tell Harry that he was right, that his father was a
complete arsehole, and on that day especially, if he could live it over again,
Remus would not have hesitated to hex him upside down, and toss him in the Lake
besides. He took a deep breath.
"Look, Harry," said Sirius at last, shaking himself back into the present with
a jerk of his head, like Padfoot did when he came in from the rain. Remus
watched him closely, waiting to hear how Sirius would explain what had happened
that day. "James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on
each other, it was just one of those things, you can understand that, can't
you? I think James was everything Snape wanted to be – he was popular, he was
good at Quidditch – good at pretty much everything. And Snape was just this
little oddball who was up to his eyes in the Dark Arts, and James – whatever
else he may have appeared to you, Harry – always hated the Dark Arts."
Remus tensed, and had to concentrate on not letting his jaw fall open. Liar. He
stared at the side of Sirius's head, daring him to say that again – wanting him
to look into that fireplace and tell James's son againthat they had only been
fighting for the side of good against evil that day. That's not why it
happened, and you fucking know it. Unless, he thought with a start – Sirius
didn't know it? Unless… he really believed that? There was no way. Sirius just
didn't want to tell Harry what had really happened, the real reason he and
James had targeted Snape that day, and Remus couldn't say he disagreed with
that decision.
"Yeah," Harry was saying as Remus turned back to face him, "but he just
attacked Snape for no good reason, just because – well, just because you said
you were bored."
"I'm not proud of it," Sirius snapped, and Remus glanced at him.
"Look, Harry," Remus began, fighting down the rage he was beginning to feel,
fearing where it would take him if he paused to give it voice. If Sirius could
play this game, if he could make up stories for Harry to smooth everything
over, then Remus could, too. "What you've got to understand is that your father
and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did," he said casually,
hiding the irony threatening to push through in his voice. "Everyone thought
they were the height of cool – if they sometimes got a bit carried away–"
"If we were sometimes arrogant little berks, you mean," Sirius added, and Remus
couldn't help but smile. Understatement of the century.
But the smile faded as Harry's story cemented in his mind. Snape's Pensieve was
remarkably accurate: OWLs. The Lake. Sunshine. A Transfiguration texbook. If
you're bored you could test me. A tree. Snape. Mudblood. It was rushing back at
him, a powerful wave he couldn't avoid if he tried. And he was trying, oh god,
he was trying to avoid this more than anything else in his life. Living through
it once had been bad enough. Reliving it was out of the question. But he
couldn't stop it, now that it was here.
"He kept messing up his hair." Harry was still talking. Remus laughed when
Sirius did, still trying to fight off the growing clarity of that memory. No. I
can't do this. Don't make me remember.
"I'd forgotten he used to do that," Sirius managed, smiling sadly at Harry and
Remus.
"Was he playing with the Snitch?" Remus asked suddenly, a new detail coming to
him.
"Yeah," Harry confirmed. "Well… I thought he was a bit of an idiot."
"Of course he was a bit of an idiot!" Sirius barked. "We were all idiots! Well
– Moony not so much." He glanced at Remus with an affectionate smile, and Remus
bit his lip.
"Did I ever tell you to lay off Snape?" he asked, pausing over the name. It was
what he used to call him when they were sixteen, when first names seemed too
intimate, like an acknowledgement that the things they did were too intimate,
like a reminder that they shouldn't have been doing them. Hey, Snape, he'd say,
are we snogging or what? Now, as adults, he did call the man Severus,
ironically. It was the surname that seemed too intimate now, ever since that
night in the Forest when they were sixteen – that night he hadn't thought about
in decades.
Remus took a deep breath. "Did I ever have the guts to tell you I thought you
were out of order?" he asked Sirius.
"Yeah, well," Sirius replied, "you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes…
that was something…"
Remus shook his head, staring at the floor. You never felt ashamed of that day,
he wanted to say. Never.
"And," Harry pressed, "he kept looking over at the girls by the lake, hoping
they were watching him." Remus smiled a genuine smile then. Lily. Mudblood. The
smile faded.
"Oh, well, he always made a fool of himself whenever Lily was around," said
Sirius, by way of explanation. "He couldn't stop himself showing off whenever
he got near her."
"How come she married him?" Harry asked. "She hated him!"
Harry was still talking. Harry wanted to talk about his parents, and all Remus
could think about was that skinny chest filling his mind, a long scar around
the ribcage and a trail of coarse black hair at his navel, leading down to –
"Nah, she didn't," Sirius was saying, and the memories became clearer and
clearer in Remus's resisting mind.
"She started going out with him in seventh year," he added.
"Once James had deflated his head a bit," Sirius pointed out, as Remus narrowed
his eyes.
"And stopped hexing people just for the fun of it."
"Even Snape?" Harry raised his eyebrows.
Remus's mouth felt dry, his palms clammy, and his mind foggy. "Well," he
replied, lingering again over the name. That name. "Snape was a special case."
He almost choked at that, and had to think quickly in order to recover. "I
mean, he never lost an opportunity to curse James so you couldn't really expect
James to take that lying down, could you?" Good. If Sirius could spout bullshit
like that, so could Remus.
"And my mum was okay with that?"
I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her. Remus took a deep
breath.
"She didn't know too much about it, to tell you the truth," Sirius replied. "I
mean, James didn't take Snape on dates with her and jinx him in front of her,
did he?"
It was upon him; he couldn't stop it. You kissed me. The memories swirled
angrily around him, closing in. And I liked it. They tightened like a coil
around his body. You couldn't have.
"Look," Sirius was saying to Harry, "your father was the best friend I ever had
and he was a good person. A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He
grew out of it."
No, he didn't. But yes, a lot of people are idiots at that age. I think… I love
you. Oh yes, a lot of people are right bastard idiots at that age.
It came back to him with a dull thud, like a stack of books dropping onto a
thick oak desk, and he stopped trying to hold off the memories. He knew now; he
saw with sickening clarity exactly what had happened – not only that terrible
day, but the two months leading up to it.
He sat back on his heels as a vision of a tall screen fell over Harry's face in
front of him. The grainy, black-and-white footage came into view and he was
reminded of his Muggle grandmother's ancient projector. It clicked on, the tape
rattling against the film reel as it established its rhythm. The credits
rolled; the actors tipped their hats and pulled their cloaks tighter around
themselves; and the lamp fluttered off and on for a moment before deciding it
could muster a level of brightness somewhere in between. The reel continued to
click with each rotation of the film, and Remus blocked out Harry and Sirius,
the fireplace, and the last twenty years, as he started to watch.
He had been sixteen years old, and this was the worst memory of his life.
                                      ***
Chapter 1: A Potion Gone Awry
It began with a potion – or, rather, their failure to brew one properly. It was
April, OWL homework was piling up nightly, and Severus Snape got a potion wrong
for the first, and only, time in his life.
Remus should have known to be suspicious.
They were Potions partners – some crackpot theory about Inter-House
cooperation, in advance of the OWL exams. Their Draught of Peace had gone a
sickening brownish-orange instead of the requisite brownish-green, and
Professor Carleton had made them stay after class to get it right. I'll be in
my office; no funny business out here, all right?
Sure, Professor, no funny business at all. Remus snorted at the memory. He had
been at the sink rinsing the cauldron (And no magic! You boys are doing this
the old-fashioned way) when he felt a body standing just too close to him,
behind, and a little to the left.
"Tell me why you hate me," a voice said, quivering a little.
Remus looked up. "I don't hate you."
A pause. "Then tell me why they hate me."
He went back to scrubbing the pot. "I don't know, Snape. They just do. Don't
worry about it, all right?" Why was he so close? Remus frowned and swirled the
sudsy water around in the pot.
"But… you… don't," Snape said slowly, and Remus turned to him again.
"No."
"Why not?"
Remus shrugged. "You're good at Potions. Except today, that is." He rolled his
eyes and kept scrubbing. "Are you going to stand there forever, or help out?"
"Stand here."
Remus sighed at looked over at him again, exasperated. "Then that's why I don't
like you."
"You just said you did."
"Did what?"
"Like me."
"Snape, for god's sake. I didn't say I liked you – I said I didn't hate you.
Big difference, all right? Now wash the stupid pestle." He continued with his
work, picking a hardened bit of dark orange grime off the cauldron as Snape
settled in beside him, rolling the pestle around in his hand. They were silent
for a few moments until Remus looked over again, his eyes widening.
Snape's idea of washing the pestle seemed to be consisting of… of… what the
hell was he doing? Stroking it? Soaping it up and- and- feeling it? Remus
watched, mesmerised, then swallowed hard, for what reasons he didn't know, as
Snape gripped the thing with both hands, lathering it with suds and sliding his
palms up and down its length.
"What are you- doing?" he managed at last, his voice a whisper.
"Nothing."
"I think it's clean, all right?" Remus replied angrily, rinsing the cauldron
and making to place it back on the burner, then noticing it still had an orange
hue around the rim. "Just- oh, hell, it's still dirty. What the hell did you
put in here, Snape? Fine time to fuck up a potion, you know, I've got a lot of
homework tonight." He glanced up to see the hint of a smile quirking at Snape's
mouth, and everything fell into place. The force of it hit him like a branch of
the Willow to the gut, and to his horror, the blood dropped to his cock and he
felt himself grow hard. Not that that was a surprise; these days he got hard
thinking about his mashed potatoes at lunch. But… Snape? "You–" He grabbed
Snape's robes before he could think. "What did you do?"
"I–" Snape stopped and gave him a challenging look. "Do you know what the
Slytherins say about you?" he asked, and Remus released Snape's robes as his
stomach fell to the floor.
They couldn't know, they couldn't, it was impossible. Stay calm. "Don't
Slytherins have better things to do than say things about me?" he muttered,
looking at the floor.
"They say–" Snape paused. "They say you don't like girls."
Remus's eyes jerked up. "What?" He hadn't quite been expecting that, especially
since he really didn't know what he liked… apart maybe from Snape's hand on
that pestle.
"They say you miss classes so much because they send you to the hospital wing
to get electric shocks, so that you'll like girls."
"That I- electric- what?" Remus laughed despite himself. What the hell was
Snape talking about? "Snape, what the hell are you talking about?"
Snape looked a bit less sure of himself with the laughter. "I- I just want to
know if it's true," he said quietly, looking at the pestle in his hand.
"Uh, no, it's not true. I just- get sick a lot." He shrugged, his spine tensed
against any further probing into his whereabouts once a month.
"It's not true?"
"No. And anyway, we're wizards. Why would they use electric shocks?"
"Because you're part Muggle."
Remus stared. "Not really! Just- okay. But so what? So- electric shocks." He
shook his head in disbelief. "Honestly."
"It's not true," Snape pressed.
"Of course not! Snape, you're being weird. What the hell did you do to our
potion, you idiot?"
"So, you like girls."
"What. No, I don't know, who cares? What did you do to the potion?"
"I just… wanted to ask you that," Snape mumbled, dropping the pestle in the
sink and turning away.
"No!" Remus said irritably, grabbing his robes again and turning the other boy
around to face him. "You got me detention tonight, so you're going to tell me
why."
But Snape didn't answer. He just gazed into Remus's eyes for a long moment,
then before Remus could protest, he leaned in and kissed him.
Kissed him. Kissing him. Kiss… Snape… Potions classroom… potion… kissing… fuck
fuck fuck.
If anyone had asked him before that moment if he'd ever thought of kissing
Severus Snape, he would have laughed at them; but if anyone had asked him
afterwards, he would have said he would never think of anything else ever
again. Was it his first kiss? Yes. No. He couldn't remember. If he'd been
kissed before it hadn't been anything like this, and that wasn't because Snape
was some kind of expert – of course not. He was sixteen years old. But good
lord. Remus had never reacted to a kiss that way before, had never felt his
toes tremble like that, had never cursed those heavy robes for keeping them
from further touch.
He didn't mean to kiss back, but he did. He didn't meant to gasp at it, parting
his lips and letting Snape's tongue between them, but he did. He didn't mean to
clutch at Snape's shoulders like swooning girl, suddenly helpless against some
bloody Lothario, but he did.
Footsteps came thudding down the hall and Snape sprang away from him, his face
flushed and his eyes unreadable.
"How's it going in here, boys?"
"Just… fine, Professor," Remus stammered, trying to catch his breath. He
reached up and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth.
Snape looked thunderstruck. "I don't- excuse me, Professor. I don't feel very
well." He bolted out of the room before the professor could stop him, and Remus
stared helplessly.
"Um, I'll finish the potion, sir," he offered, turning back to the cauldron and
scrubbing furiously. When he was alone again, he rested his hands on the warm
metal and closed his eyes, his lips still swollen and the idea in his head that
this could be what electric shocks would feel like.
                                     ~~~~~
He might have let it go, had it not been for that damned Potions class. Snape
was like a stone figure all through the lesson the next day, dicing and
chopping methodically, in silence. Remus made sure the rest of the class was
busy with their own potions, conversing with each other, before he leaned a bit
closer to Snape. "Tonight after dinner, far north edge of the Forest – there's
nothing on that side that bites."
Snape paused and glanced over at him with the barest flicker, his hand
stilling, then set his mouth in a resolute line and resumed chopping.
"What do you want?" the voice called softly through the darkness that night, on
the edge of the Forest, and Remus pulled his cloak around himself.
"I don't know. What do you want?"
"I- I made a mistake yesterday. I'm sorry."
Oh, not likely, Remus thought. He grabbed Snape's sleeve as the boy turned to
go. "I don't think- you did," he mumbled. He let his hand drift down to
Snape's, curling their fingers together. He hadn't the least idea what he was
doing, or why, but he couldn't stop if he wanted to. He leaned close to Snape's
ear. "Can you- do that again?"
Snape's heart was beating wildly; Remus could feel it. "What?" he stammered,
and Remus couldn't help but chuckle.
This time, he initiated the kiss, wet and hungry, one hand squeezing Snape's,
the other flat on the boy's chest. He'd pushed him backwards into a tree before
he knew what he was doing, their bodies falling together, but Snape pushed him
away, gasping.
"No- what… no."
Remus was puzzled. Snape had started this, and Snape was bloody well going to
finish it. "What? You started this."
He shook his head. "I shouldn't have. I said I was sorry, now leave me alone!"
"What–" He took a deep breath. "What are you afraid of?" he whispered, asking
himself the same question.
"Look, you have all the ammunition you need now," Snape snarled. "Go tell your
friends all about the queer Slytherin they already hate. See if I care."
"Snape- what- I'm not–" Remus frowned. "I'm not telling them anything. It's
none of their business."
Snape stared at him. "Then what- are you doing here?"
Remus took a step closer. "Um. You kissed me."
"I told you, I shouldn't have–"
"And," Remus interrupted, before dropping his voice, "I liked it."
Snape was silent for a long time. "You… did not. You couldn't have."
In response, Remus leaned in again and brushed a kiss across Snape's lips. "Why
not?" he said when he pulled back.
"You're not–" Snape swore and looked away.
"What?"
"Gay," he muttered.
They stared at each other. Remus didn't know what to say to that. The kisses
had made him feel… well, he couldn't explain it, but it was nothing he'd ever
felt before, or nothing he'd ever thought about feeling before. Snape, on the
other hand, had obviously spent a great deal of time thinking about it, and
analysing it, and… feeling guilty about it.
"I don't know what I am," he admitted at last. "But… you wrecked our potion."
Snape smirked. "And you kissed me." Snape blushed. "And I liked it." Snape
bowed his head, and Remus sighed. "So what if you shut the hell up about it
and… just do it."
Snape leaned towards him at that, hands pulling at his robes, and they fell
together into the side of the tree, panting breaths echoing in the Forest as
fumbling hands and lips explored hormonal teenage bodies. Remus would be damned
if he could get the image of that bloody pestle out of his head, as he reached
experimentally into Snape's robes, fumbling for further contact. He soon found
that if he liked kissing Snape, he liked touching him even more, and there was
no experience quite as incredible as hearing Snape's stifled cries, forehead on
Remus's shoulder, every muscle in his body trembling with pleasure.
That was the last they ever talked about it for quite some time, in fact. They
kept doing, and doing, and doing, not stopping to think about whether or not it
made them gay, or what James and Sirius would do if they found out, or even
what would happen to them if the lust ever wore off.
                                     ~~~~~
He was addictive, that was the only explanation. There wasn't any point in
having angst about kissing a boy, touching a boy, getting off with a boy,
because Snape didn't really fit those categories anyway. Snape was just… Snape,
and the second Remus even considered ending whatever they had, he felt a knot
well up in his stomach and a vague fear crush his lungs. He didn't want to be
with girls or boys, he wanted to be with Snape, and he knew that didn't make
any sense, but he just didn't care. It wasn't very often that he got what he
wanted in life, and he decided that he was bloody well going to get this.
"Another hot date tonight?" Lily asked him slyly one evening after dinner, as
he packed up his Charms textbook in the library, glancing down at his watch.
"What? Of course not."
"Relax, Remus," she replied with a smile, setting down her quill. "I'm not the
village idiot, you know. Every night you come here for half an hour, then
decide you're too tired to study anymore." She giggled. "It's not hard to
figure out."
He sighed, eyeing her warily for a moment. "Don't tell, okay?"
She shrugged. "Who would I tell?"
"James," he answered, raising an eyebrow.
She waved a hand. "Like I don't have better things to do than talk to him. But
if you don't want him to know, it must be someone really bad, eh?"
He frowned at her, then considered. Lily was like the sister he never had. It
hadn't taken her long to figure out what was going on, and he was so bursting
to tell someone that he didn't deny it when she guessed who it was he was
rushing off to meet. Their feigned study dates continued, and in return for her
silence about Snape, Remus let her prattle on about what an idiot James was,
and how she wouldn't go out with him if he was the last boy on earth. It felt
good to have someone to confide in, even though he still kept most of the
details to himself.
The Slytherins could go fuck themselves with their electric shock therapy; they
could say whatever they wanted. He had James and Sirius to back him up if
anyone wanted to call him queer; so long as they never found out what he was
doing, he could beat the rumour mill. And Lily wasn't going to say anything –
hell, most people thought theywere dating, with all the time they spent
together studying.
It would be all right. Everything was going to be all right, as long as he
didn't think too hard about any of it, and as long as he didn't let himself get
in over his head. Famous last words.
                                     ~~~~~
Still breathing hard but obviously struggling not to, Snape leaned back against
the wall in the dusty, boarded up classroom they often used for their secret
meetings, and closed his eyes.
Remus fastened his trousers quickly and then sat for a moment just watching the
other boy, fascinated. It had been three weeks since that Potions detention,
and Remus's head was still spinning from the rush of it all. Snape came undone
so easily, so quickly, no matter what Remus did. Sometimes he wasn't sure if he
was doing it right – he would reach out to touch Snape, guided only by thoughts
of the way he liked to touch himself. He always hoped that would be good enough
for Snape as well, but he was never sure.
Well, he was never sure, that is, until Snape came in a trembling rush in his
hand barely two minutes later. Then he was pretty sure he was doing it right.
"All right?" he ventured now, still watching Snape's closed expression. His
ragged hair hung down the sides of his face, highlighting his flushed cheeks
against the pale skin. Remus took the opportunity to study him while his eyes
remained closed. No, Snape definitely was not the best-looking bloke at
Hogwarts, and that was for certain. He probably wasn't even the twentieth best-
looking bloke at Hogwarts, nor the hundredth. Remus stared some more. That nose
should probably have enrolled separately, really, with all the space it took
up. He briefly imagined having Snape's nose as a Potions partner instead of
Snape himself, and had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud. The damn
thing would still probably find a way to belittle him and bark instructions.
"Yeah," Snape replied slowly, breaking Remus's reverie as he opened his eyes.
"Just-" He swallowed.
Remus smiled. No, Snape was not very attractive, and not even very nice most of
the time, but he knew what he wanted and he went after it, and if nothing else,
Remus had to admire that about him. There was something else, of course – there
was the way that shy smile appeared, maybe once a month if that, but usually in
response to something Remus had said; there was that stubborn courage, to just
keep atsomething until he got it right; and there was pride. He knew he was
skinny, and that his nose was too big, and that not many people liked him. But
Snape would never, ever let someone judge him based on those things. And if
they did? Pride. Snape would walk away from them and never think twice about
it, that much Remus knew by now.
No, he wasn't perfect, but neither was Remus, and the more time they spent
together, the more Remus was coming to realise that he didn't want to spend his
time with anyone else. Their mutual imperfections suited him just fine,
especially since he spent most of his time with two boys who were perfect, as
far as he could tell. It was hard to keep up sometimes, and when he was with
Snape, he didn't have to.
Snape was watching him now, just as intently as he was watching Snape. Was
Snape picking apart his features, Remus wondered – weighing the ghastly scar
down his right cheek against the way his hair fell over his forehead? He would
never know.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Snape, and Remus smiled.
"That's a loaded question, Snape," he said mischievously. "What if you don't
like the answer?"
"What kind of answer wouldn't I like?" Snape cocked his head to the side.
"I don't know. Quidditch. Charms notes. Hagrid's feet. Something like that."
There it was: that tiny smile. Remus caught his breath.
"You're right," Snape agreed, "I wouldn't have liked any of those answers."
"See?"
"Mm." Snape was quiet again for another moment before gathering himself up from
the floor. "Tomorrow?" he asked, fastening his buttons and not looking at
Remus.
Remus started to nod, lost in the moment and already anticipating tomorrow,
absorbing the way the word slid off Snape's tongue like a promise, but then he
remembered, and the dream shattered. "Oh," he began. "No, not tomorrow, sorry."
Snape watched him for a moment, his face unreadable, then he shrugged. "Fine."
He bowed his head and fumbled some more with his clothes, but Remus caught the
frown.
"It's not- I want to," he stammered, "it's just that–"
"You don't need to make excuses. I don't care."
"No, you don't- look, my mother, she's been- sick. I have to go- home for a few
days." Remus took a deep breath. Fuck.
"Is she dying?" Snape asked plainly.
"What? No! I mean, we- don't know. Maybe."
"You're going home in the middle of the week, just before OWLs, for just a few
days? She better be dying."
Remus dropped his head. "Look, it's just- I can't explain, but that's just the
way it is, all right? I'll see you in Potions on Friday."
Snape just nodded, his gaze scrutinising Remus. When Snape turned towards the
door, Remus impulsively grabbed the sleeve of his robe and pulled him back to
face him.
Just understand, please? he wanted to beg. Just don't ask me questions about
this. But he didn't say anything. He only leaned in to kiss the other boy,
surprised by the taste on those lips before remembering what it was, that he
was tasting himself, and he gasped and parted his lips, the kiss wet, sloppy,
and forceful. It was supposed to convey all sorts of things to Snape, things he
couldn't say with words, but Remus wasn't sure it conveyed anything other than
a great deal of saliva, mixed with stale semen, and possibly a bit of potato
left over from dinner.
Snape allowed the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away, wiping the back
of his hand across his mouth and glaring at Remus. Without another word, he
turned on his heel, opened the door and carefully peered down the empty
hallway, then strode out of the room.
                                     ~~~~~
Three nights later, still sore and bruised, Remus met Snape again in their
secret classroom.
"You're back," Snape observed, his usual neutral expression firmly in place.
"Yes."
"You look terrible."
Remus made a face. "Thanks."
Snape stepped towards him, narrowing his eyes, and Remus could almost see that
irritating inquisitiveness at work in his brain. He raised a hand to Remus's
cheek but stopped halfway there, letting it drop back to his side.
"What are you doing?" Remus asked irritably. "Are we snogging or what?"
"What are those scars from?"
Fuck. Remus steeled himself. "What? Nothing. Fell out of a tree when I was a
kid, is all."
"On your face?"
"Yeah. It was a- branch. Sharp."
"It's still red."
"Look, do you want to snog or not? If my face isn't good enough for you, I'll
find someone else." Remus folded his arms over his chest and tried to compose
himself. Why did Snape have to ask these questions. Fucking, fucking hell. He
was running out of excuses.
"No one else will snog you," replied Snape matter-of-factly, and Remus found he
couldn't argue, despite the insult. "You said you were just at home, with your
mother," he added after a pause.
"Yeah, so?"
Snape studied him for another unnerving moment. "Fine." He stepped closer,
still inspecting Remus's face, before leaning in close and kissing him.
Remus responded slowly, chastely, still rattled by the questions, and soon
Snape broke off the kiss and looked at him.
"What? Okay, here." To Remus's surprise, Snape stepped back and unbuttoned his
robes, letting them fall to the floor, then started in on his shirt. It fell
open as the last button popped through its fastening, and Snape stood awkwardly
in front of him, almost half naked. Remus bit his lip, staring. "You, too,"
Snape added.
"What?"
"Take your shirt off."
"Take- why?" Remus thought of all the scars running down his torso and
shuddered. The welts on his cheek were nothing compared to those lining the
rest of his body, especially today, when they were still fresh and angry, and
he didn't want Snape to see them. He had been so careful about that until now.
"I don't want to," he muttered.
Snape didn't answer, but reached two fingertips out to trace down the fabric
over Remus's chest. He started on the buttons, and Remus was so surprised he
couldn't object until Snape was almost done.
"Wait. I said- I don't want to."
"It's already done."
"It was not! You-" He looked down and frowned, pulling his shirt closed again.
"Why are you such a jerk?"
Snape was silent again, ignoring Remus's protests, letting his fingers fall
against the hollow of Remus's throat, then down, until Remus was persuaded to
drop his arms and allow the fingers to move against his bare chest. He studied
the floor. Maybe Snape wouldn't notice. Remus's breath quickened at the touch,
and he was surprised to find it so light and wonderful against his skin. He
closed his eyes and was just beginning to enjoy himself, when he realised that
Snape was tracing the lines of his scars across his torso. He tensed, but Snape
placed a palm flat against his chest and bent in to kiss him again, and Remus
forgot his objections.
When he broke it off, Snape pulled back and whispered so softly Remus could
barely hear him, "It's all right, I- I have them, too." He moved back a
fraction and pushed his own shirt off his shoulders, pausing with shy hesitancy
while it puddled on the floor at his feet. His breaths were shallow, his eyes
pinned to Remus, and Remus couldn't figure out what Snape had to be so nervous
about, when it was Remuswho had the disgusting scratches all over his body.
But Remus's eyes widened and his lips fell open as Snape turned slowly,
revealing a long dash of scar tissue that curved around his ribcage, from his
back almost to his nipple. It was an angry purple, thick and tight, and much
worse than anything marring Remus's body. Snape turned again, back to face
Remus, and pointed to an ugly, stumpy knot of tissue just over his belly
button.
Remus gasped, not sure what to think. "You-"
Snape nodded.
"But-"
"Fell out of a tree as a kid," Snape murmured, eyes still locked on Remus.
Remus stared at him, and Snape swallowed.
"This was… a whip," he said softly, his voice faraway as he pointed to the
first scar, the long one that seemed to be coiled around half his body. Remus
closed his mouth, eyes fixated on the scar. What was Snape talking about?
"And this?" he asked uncertainly, reaching out to run his hand down Snape's
chest, stopping at the knotted lump above his navel.
"Knife," Snape answered, in the same mysterious, haunted voice, and Remus's
heart skipped a beat. He still wasn't entirely certain what they were talking
about, but he knew better than to ask Snape, not with his voice sounding like
that.
"Knife," he repeated, nodding. Knife? What? "Those are- Muggle things," he
stammered.
"Yeah," Snape agreed. "Some Pure-blood, right? He likes Muggle- things."
"He- yeah. Not… hexes."
Snape shook his head. "Doesn't like them," he replied. "Too… impersonal." Snape
swallowed. "Some things magic can't quite get right, apparently…" He tried to
smile and failed, then reached out for Remus again. "This looks like a Stinging
Hex, though," he said, tracing the skin at the place where the werewolf's
sternum burst forth every month.
Remus nodded before he could think of what he was doing. "Yeah. Stinging Hex."
Snape's gaze continued to drink in Remus's body like it was a well he had
discovered in a desert, his long fingers running lightly up and down Remus's
chest. "What did you do?" he asked at last, his voice shy, his hands resting on
Remus's ribcage.
"Just- nothing," he stammered, not quite sure what answer he should give, but
Snape seemed pleased with that one, because he nodded, then lifted his hands
away and leaned back against the wall.
"Me neither," he said to the ceiling. "I mean, once I dropped a bottle of milk,
and it- it splashed on some parchment he had on the counter. He was really
angry about that one." He took a deep breath. "But usually it's nothing. He
doesn't need- a reason."
It all hit Remus like a crashing wave then, and he thought he was going to
throw up. He turned his head away for a moment and squeezed his eyes shut,
trying to block out the pain and rage in his stomach. Snape was… Someone used…
And he thought Remus also… His breath came quickly, and he was certain that he
suddenly understood everything he needed to understand about Snape, and all he
wanted to do was get as close to him as possible and never let go.
"I don't- want to talk about that anymore," Remus said, moving towards the
other boy and placing pale hands on his bare shoulders.
Snape tensed. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"It's okay, it's just- you know."
"Yeah."
Remus let his hands slide down to Snape's bare chest then, and began marking
designs on it with his fingertips. Snape closed his eyes and sighed, slumping
into the wall, and Remus thought he almost saw a smile. He leaned in to kiss
Snape, more gently than he usually did, just a tiny kiss, a light whisper of a
kiss, a kiss of friendship and understanding and solidarity, because both of
their lives were haunted by shadows that no one else knew about. Remus felt
slightly guilty for misleading Snape about the exact nature of the shadow in
his life, but he also liked the idea that Snape understood – generalities at
least, if not specifics – and that he understood the pain, the scars, and the
secrets more fully than James, or Sirius, or Peter ever would.
He pulled back from that light little kiss to see Snape's eyes still closed,
his dark lashes stark against his pale cheeks, his lips slightly parted, and
Remus's heart skipped a beat.
Snape opened his eyes again and gazed at Remus for a long moment, Remus's
fingers still tracing those patterns on his chest. God, Snape was always so
serious, always scrutinising things with those deep black eyes of his, as if
watching long enough, and with enough intensity, would give him all the answers
he wanted in life. Remus loved it when that gaze settled on him. It made him
self-conscious and uncomfortable as hell, but it also warmed and reassured him,
in a way, to know that someone wanted to look at him like that, with such
reverence.
He kissed Snape again, then moved his nose to the other side and did it again,
then again – short, biting kisses that stole his breath and made his palms
sweat. Finally, he pushed his bare chest against Snape's, his hips following
suit, grinding them both into that wall, and kissed him with a ferocious need.
Snape responded, more intensely than ever before, reaching around to pull Remus
even tighter against him. When they both came, in quivering silence, neither of
them stopped the kissing, or the pressing. Remus felt inexplicably as though
Snape's skin against his was the only thing that made sense in his life, and he
never wanted to let it go.
 
                                     ~~~~~
"Powdered bicorn horn, Lupin, not the rat testicle yet!"
"Okay! Calm down, I've got it."
"How did you ever pass Potions before this, anyway?"
"Shut up! I'm good enough at it when you're not yelling at me. Besides, what's
so bad about getting it wrong?"
"Oh, let's see – detention, maybe?"
"Right. So I repeat: what's so bad about getting it wrong?"
Snape opened his mouth to reply, then paused, closed it again, and glanced
sideways at Remus. A faint blush crept up his cheeks. "I- nothing, I suppose."
Remus grinned at him and moved a bit closer, letting his left elbow touch
Snape's right, as they both leaned over their cauldron. "Thought not," he
whispered, and he felt Snape's arm press into him.
They were silent for a moment, and Remus gazed into the swirling blue mist of
their potion, relishing the feel of Snape's body beside his – here, in the
middle of class, where it felt so brazen just to be standing this close to each
other, as though anyone could look up at any moment and know exactly what they
had done to each other in that old classroom the night before, as though
stirring that potion while Snape chopped the ginger root revealed all his
secrets about the quivering mess he became the second Snape's lips landed on
his throat and Snape's fingers wrapped around his cock.
Oh god. Think about something else.
"All right?" Snape was eyeing him with a half amused, half terrified
expression.
"Yeah." He moved away from the other boy and ran a hand over his face. "Just-
don't stand so close."
Snape glared at him. "You did it first!" he hissed, as quietly as he could.
"I know, but now you're- distracting me." Remus turned back to his tablet and
knife.
"Well, that's not my fault. If you'd pay attention and stop–"
"I'd watch your mouth, Snivellus," a menacing voice cut in from behind them.
"Remus not a good enough partner for you, Sniv?" Another voice. "Sure we can
find you someone else, if you'd rather – James here is quite good at Potions,
actually."
Remus's stomach rolled over, as he stared down at his tablet. He saw out of the
corner of his eye that Snape was completely still, tensed like a coil, his eyes
on the cauldron in front of them.
"It's true," James agreed. "Maybe I should be your partner, Sniv, how'd you
like that? Give Remus the day off." He stepped closer, until he was right
behind Snape. "I'd dump that sludge all over your greasy head," he hissed.
"Wouldn't even notice the difference."
Snape finally whirled around, his eyes flashing. "You get the hell away from
here, Potter, or you'll end up getting your precious Lupin detention when we
don't get our potion finished on time."
Remus continued to stare down at his tablet, his heart hammering, his brow
furrowed at the way Snape had spat his name. Do something, a voice in his head
yelled. But he didn't.
"Is that a threat?" Sirius was whispering furiously now, darting a quick glance
across the room to ensure Professor Carleton was still occupied checking other
students' potions, before stepping in front of James and pushing Snape back
into the counter.
Remus finally forced himself to look up, catching Snape's eye and letting his
gaze linger a fraction too long. He intended to turn around and send James and
Sirius back to their own work table, but Peter intervened before he had a
chance. Peter? Yes, Peter.
"Hey!" he called from two tables over, where he was partnered with a dark-
haired Slytherin girl. His voice was quiet but terse, and they all looked over
at him. "I'm the one who needs some help over here, all right? Look who I'm
stuck with." The girl glared at him as he jerked his head towards her, but
James chuckled and started to make his way over.
Sirius paused and gave Snape another shove into the counter before strolling
off as well, as if he had already forgotten the entire incident.
"Two of us stuck with bloody Slytherins," James muttered, leaning over Peter's
shoulder to inspect his work. "What the hell's the world coming to?"
Peter glanced back at Remus and caught his eye, staring straight through him as
he answered. "Don't know, Prongs." That gaze began to burn a hole through
Remus's chest, and he had trouble getting his breath. "But too much time with
Slytherins can get a person in an awful lot of trouble, if you ask me."
Remus stared.
"Too right, that," Sirius agreed, a distant voice in Remus's head, as he turned
back to his tablet and resumed chopping in silence.
Snape didn't say another word for the rest of the class, and when the bell
rang, he quickly stoppered a sample of their potion, handed it to Professor
Carleton, and fled the classroom without a backwards glance.
                                     ~~~~~
 
Remus tried to forget the entire incident, but he found the task completely
impossible. He fretted more than usual that night as he packed up his books and
gathered some spare parchment, ostensibly for his almost-nightly visits to the
library. Would Snape show up? Would he be so angry at Remus for not standing up
to his friends that he would refuse to see him again? The very thought made
Remus's bones ache.
Well, he told himself, slinging his bag over his shoulder and heading down the
stairs to the common room, there's only one way to find out.
"Study time," he called casually to James, Sirius, and Peter as he passed them,
two engaged in a game of Wizard's chess while the third avidly watched. "Anyone
who wants more than, oh, zero OWLs had better come along." This was his
standard speech. His friends were so tired of it by now that they didn't even
look up.
"We'll take that chance, Moony," Sirius replied, delighted eyes glued to the
board as his knight clobbered James's castle.
"Yep," James agreed, hauling the carnage off the board. "Being the first Potter
in family history to get zero OWLs would actually be quite an achievement,
don't you think, Padfoot?" He glanced up at Sirius and smirked.
"Oh, quite." Sirius nodded. "Even better than being the first Black, I should
think."
"Excellent." James turned to Remus. "There you go, Moony. We couldn't possibly
study tonight – family history to think about, and all." He laughed and kicked
a foot out at Sirius's leg, and the other boy grinned.
"But you have fun," Sirius added.
Remus rolled his eyes and turned to go, already thinking ahead and worrying
anew about whether or not Snape would show up, and how angry he would be if he
did, and what the odds might be that a well-timed blow job could shut him up –
when another voice piped up.
"Well, there isn't really any Pettigrew family history to uphold on that score,
so I should probably come study with you, Moony."
Remus froze, one hand on the door. He turned slowly, to find Peter glaring at
him with that same look he had seen in Potions earlier in the day.
"You- don't have your books," Remus stammered.
"I'll use yours." Peter scrambled out of his chair and met him at the door,
giving him a pointed look. "Come on."
With a last glance at James and Sirius, who had started a new game and didn't
even appear to have noticed Peter's absence, Remus pushed through the portrait
hole and out into the corridor. No, they hadn't noticed, Remus realised, but
one wrong move and Peter would make them notice it – and he would make them
notice all Remus's secrets as well.
Peter followed him out into the hall, and as soon as the portrait clicked shut,
Remus rounded on the other boy and pushed him back into it. "What's up,
Wormtail?" he asked curtly, his hand gentle, but tense, against Peter's
shoulder. Depending on the turn this conversation took, he could release him
and laugh it off as horseplay, or close a fist around his throat in seconds. He
would do it, too – depending on the turn the conversation took. "You hate
studying."
Peter narrowed his eyes. "Just curious about your study partners," he answered,
and Remus paused.
"I don't have any study partners," he said carefully, but he knew it was wrong
when a wicked grin spread over Peter's pointy face.
"Ah. I didn't think so."
They stared at each other for several long seconds. "What do you want?" Remus
asked at last, tightening his grip on the other boy's shoulder.
"I want you to think about where your loyalties lie, Moony," Peter replied,
"running off to fuck a Slytherin." The words came out with barely a whisper,
but the venom behind them knocked Remus's hand back down to his side.
He took three shallow breaths. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Maybe I don't. But you do."
Remus considered his options; none of them looked good. "So." He raised his
eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?"
But Peter shook his head, the lucidity of the past few minutes suddenly
replaced with his usual expression of confused disbelief. "I don't want
anything, Moony, I just- wanted to tell you that I don't think it's a good
idea."
Remus regarded him sceptically. "So noted, Wormtail, but it's not your
business."
Peter frowned. "You're my friend, Moony, so yes it is. I just- you're making a
mistake, all right? He's not just a Slytherin, he's a – well. I've heard him
say really bad things."
"Like?"
"Like about Muggles. And non-Pure-bloods. You know the words."
Remus was taken aback. He stared at Peter. "He wouldn't say something like
that," he mumbled. I'm not a Pure-blood, he added in his head. No, Snape
wouldn't say something like that.
Peter shrugged. "Well, that's just what I heard. Not to mention–" His eyes
narrowed again – "It's a bit sick to be off snogging blokes, isn't it?"
Remus didn't bother with his hands this time – he grabbed his wand and had it
pointed at Peter's throat in seconds. "I asked you what you wanted, Peter," he
seethed. "Either you tell me, and we negotiate, or you fuck off and let me go
study."
Peter was still for a moment, then shook his head. "Nothing, Moony, I don't
want anything. I just wanted to tell you to stop it."
Remus let the wand press into his friend's skin a second longer, then dropped
it to his side. "And them?" he asked, jerking his head towards the common room
behind the portrait, and Peter shook his head again.
"I won't tell them," Peter replied. "I swear I won't. But Moony – you have to
stop, okay? Someone else could find out, and it'd be even worse."
Remus almost snorted, shoving his wand back into his robes. Nothing would be
worse than James and Sirius finding out. Nothing. "Goodnight, Peter," he said,
turning to hurry down the hall, and leaving Peter to stare after him.
                                     ~~~~~
"You're fifteen minutes late," Snape snarled when Remus finally arrived at the
classroom.
"I'm surprised you're here at all," Remus shot back, his run-in with Peter
having put him in a fair mood for a fight.
"You should be."
"I- what's that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't need to be wasting my time with someone who considers those
rabid imbeciles to be friends," Snape hissed.
"Well, they are my friends, so you have to live with it. And- fuck. I'm sorry,
all right? I should have–"
Snape's face paled. "You should have what?" His dark eyes glittered and Remus
took a step backwards. "You should have stepped in and done something? Fuck
off, Lupin – I can take care of myself. I don't need any help from you."
"Fine! Next time I won't bother."
"You didn't bother this time, you idiot!"
"I- why are you so difficult?" Remus suddenly felt an inexplicable sadness
settle in his chest, pushing aside the anger, as though he knew that this was
it; this was the issue that would always stand between them. His friends.
"Why do you waste your time with them?" Snape's voice was quiet now, as he
slumped against the far wall of the room. Quiet, but full of fury.
Why did he? He couldn't explain it to Snape, that feeling of being completely
alone in the world, until one day you got on a train to go to school, and the
kid beside you offered to share his Every-Flavoured Beans with you if you
promised not to make fun of his glasses; and the kid beside him asked you to
check the corridor for his wicked older cousins and give him some notice if
they were coming; and the kid beside him told you that the scar on your cheek
was ace, and asked if you'd gotten it in a fight, then told you that if he had
some scars like that maybe it would hide his pointy nose.
He couldn't explain to Snape what it was like to curl up in a ball on the floor
of that Shack, rocking back and forth and crying because you just couldn't help
it, as you waited, and waited, and waited, the seconds stretching into hours
before that first crack in your jaw reverberated from your shoulder blades down
to your ankles, pain blazing through you like an electric shock as every bone
in your body broke and reformed itself anew.
And he couldn't explain to Snape that the pain was warmer somehow, and duller,
when you opened your eyes to see Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs there to take
care of you, to make sure you never had to be alone again.
There were an awful lot of things he would never be able to explain to Snape,
and that thought made him ache more than any other.
"You wouldn't understand," he said quietly, approaching Snape from across the
room.
"You're right," he replied, his voice tinged with sadness, "I wouldn't.
They didn't speak after that, as Remus stood in front of him and slowly moved
both hands up to Snape's hair, tangling through it and pushing it aside as his
palms came to rest against the back of Snape's neck. He leaned in to kiss him,
and all thoughts of Potions class, and Peter, and his stupid fucking friends
evaporated from his mind, as that pleasant mist settled in, the familiar
cloudiness that always occluded his better judgement whenever he found himself
kissing Snape.
It surprised him, how needy he felt tonight. The fear that Snape wouldn't show
up, or would never allow this kissing again, after the scene in class that day,
had been stronger than Remus wanted to admit. But Snape was here, Snape was
kissing him, Snape was letting it go – for now, at least, and Remus wanted to
make the most of his good fortune. He wanted Snape to know how relieved he was,
and that no matter how important his friends were, he also wanted this.
He slowed the kiss, drawing back gradually and sucking at Snape's bottom lip as
he let go, then allowing his gaze to linger on Snape's for a moment before
sliding to the floor. Snape gasped as Remus unbuttoned his robes, then his
trousers, drawing out Snape's pulsing cock. He wrapped his hand around it, then
licked the underside slowly, his tongue flat and his heart racing.
He saw Snape's hands clench into fists at his side and felt his legs stiffen,
as Remus licked his lips and took Snape's shaft into the wetness of his mouth.
It was big enough, and he wasn't an expert at this, but the rush of it was like
nothing he had ever experienced before. It was a unique thrill, to think that
this thing filling his mouth was Snape's cock, and that the pressure of his
lips and his tongue in the right places, at the right time, could make those
crazy deep moans escape Snape's lips.
It didn't take long; it never did. Snape bucked into him, and he thought he
heard a thud, like the back of Snape's head hitting the wall, as he sucked and
swallowed as quickly as he could. He barely had time to press a hand to his own
trousers before he was coming as well, Snape still panting above him and that
cock slipping from his mouth and back against Snape's body.
Remus collapsed onto the floor, his chest heaving, his muscles quivering, and
Snape slid down beside him. He crawled over and laid his head in Snape's lap
without even thinking about it, and remembered feeling warmth in his fingertips
when Snape's hand started stroking his hair.
                                      ***
Chapter 2: That's What Friends are For
 
"You heading out already? What about Transfiguration?"
Remus looked up from his book bag, where he'd been packing away his cumbersome
textbooks after another OWL study session. "Oh, well, I'm tired. We'll make up
for it tomorrow, all right?"
Lily grinned at him and narrowed her eyes. "It's eight-thirty, Remus, and I've
heard from your dorm-mates that you never sleep more than four hours a night.
You're not tired."
He tried to stop the blush rising in his cheeks but knew it was useless. And
anyway, it wasn't like he had to hide anything from Lily; she'd been good about
it for almost two months now. He just got embarrassed when she brought it up.
"Fine," he said, crossing his arms and glaring at her. "I have to be somewhere.
What's it to you?" He tried to hide a grin but failed.
"Oh, you are so cute with that crush of yours!" she exclaimed, beaming at him,
her chin resting in her hand. "That's three nights this week you know; better
be careful, or someone'll start thinking it's serious."
"Who, me? And it's not a crush."
"You, or… your partner in crime. And yes it is." Her eyes twinkled, and he
laughed.
"I don't think so, Lily," he said, shaking his head. "It's just… you know."
"Enlighten me," she pressed.
"No! Lily… come on." His face flushed further.
"Sex?" she prompted.
"Lily!"
"What? That means it is." She thought for a moment. "I'm not sure if that's
better than a crush or not."
"I'm not either," Remus agreed, then gave her a warning look. "Secret still
safe with you?"
"No. Where's James?" She looked around frantically, and Remus put his hands on
his hips. "Potter! Come here! I have to tell you your mate's shagging
Snivellus!"
"Shut up!" he hissed, his eyes darting around the library as Lily collapsed
into giggles.
"Oh, leave it out, Remus. There's no one around here, and anyway, until Potter
stops being an arrogant prat, I'm not going out of my way to tell him
anything." She smiled at him, but then, catching his raised eyebrows, fell
straight-faced and added, "Not that I would, even if he wasn't being an
arrogant prat."
Remus sighed. "Good. Thanks, Lil. I think you're the only person in the
universe who has any hope of understanding this." His face darkened.
"He's a decent bloke." She shrugged. "I don't know what James and Sirius's
problem is, but I've got no reason not to like him. Unless–" She narrowed her
eyes – "I ever find out he's done you wrong. Then he'll be sorry."
He smiled, rolling his eyes. "My own protector and saviour. Thanks, Lily.
Tomorrow night, same time?"
She waved her hand. "Sure, sure. But if you fail Transfiguration, it's not my
fault." He waved at her over his shoulder as he headed for the door, distantly
hearing her call, "Say hi to Sev for me."
                                     ~~~~~
Remus exited the library in a rather good mood – his Transfiguration notes were
well in order, his Charms revision seemed to have stuck in his head, and
overall his OWL exams in a week were looking to go very well. He checked his
watch. Not to mention, he thought as he hurried down the hall, that if he
didn't meet anyone along the way, he should still get to that classroom in
plenty of time.
Alas, the figures that emerged from the shadows as he rounded the corner to the
side staircase had different ideas entirely.
"Moony," one drawled, approaching him with languid, confident steps. He tried
not to look surprised as he collected himself.
"What?"
"Where are you going?" the second voice asked softly.
"What are you talking about, Prongs – I was at the library. Just coming back to
the common room."
"This isn't the way to the common room," the first hissed, and Remus saw
Sirius's dark eyes glittering at him.
"What- I- who cares?" he stammered. They had no right to do this. They couldn't
stop him. They couldn't know. There was no way they could possibly have found
out. He concentrated on keeping his breathing steady. "Do I have to tell you
everywhere I go?"
James laughed, clapping a hand to Remus's shoulder. "Yes," he said plainly, the
laugh fading.
"Especially," Sirius chimed in, "if it involves sneaking around… without us…
when it's not full moon." He stared pointedly at Remus.
Oh god they know. "What? I- forgot a book- in Charms today. Just had to go get
it."
"Oh!" James laughed again. It was not a pleasant sound. "Is that all? Good,
because Padfoot and I thought maybe it was something else entirely. But a book
– hey, no worries. We'll go with you to get it, yeah? Come on." He headed down
the corridor, as Remus felt the colour draining from his face.
"No!" he cried before he could stop himself, and Sirius broke into a maniacal
grin.
"Ah, see, Prongs?" he said, his head cocked to the side as he swaggered over to
Remus. "He's lying to us again. Peter was right."
Peter? Peter. Peter. Remus's stomach roiled. Peter knew. Peter promised not to
say anything.
Peter lied.
He steeled his nerves. These were his friends, after all – what did he have to
be afraid of? "Look, I don't know what you're talking about, so just… go back
to the Tower, all right? I'll be there in a minute."
James pushed him hard into the wall again at that. "No, Moony, you look –
snogging blokes is one thing, and it's a bit sick if you want to know the
truth, but fuck it, as long as you're getting some, we'll let it go." He leaned
closer. "But fucking around with a greasy vampire bat behind our backs? You
didn't really think we wouldn't find out, did you?"
Oh fuck.
"We're your friends, Moony," Sirius piped up, though his eyes said anything
but. "We're looking out for you. You make a bad decision, it's up to us to set
you right, isn't it? He leaned against the wall, arms folded over his chest in
aggression. "And fucking a Slytherin is a really bad decision."
Remus glared at him. "I'm not fucking a Slytherin," he spat.
James calmly raised his eyebrows. "Peter says you are."
"Well, I'm not," he seethed. What did he have to be afraid of? He refused to
give in to them on this. "So who are you going to believe – Peter or me?"
There were all silent for a second, he and James staring at each other with
unwavering eyes, both of them angry, stubborn, and refusing to back down. Remus
had thought the question would be easy, and they would all be laughing off the
entire incident by now, heading back to the common room to collectively yell at
Peter for spreading such lies.
But they weren't, because James still hadn't answered the question. After a few
more seconds, Sirius did it for him.
"Peter," he said softly, from a place just beside them. Remus continued to
watch James's face, anxious to find disagreement there.
James turned to Sirius. "Yeah? Why do you think so?" he asked.
Sirius dropped his eyes to the floor, but Remus had turned his head and caught
it just in time, that expression on Sirius's face. The fear. When Sirius lifted
his head again a split-second later, he was all charm. "Peter's too stupid to
be devious," he explained, and James snorted a laugh. "But Moony here could
pull it off without breaking a sweat." He gave Remus a look that under normal
circumstances might have been admiring, but tonight held only judgement.
"Moony?" James prodded again, more gently this time. He smiled at Remus,
watching him carefully. "Come on. The truth?"
Remus sighed. Trying to resist that welcoming smile was pointless. He held up
his hands in mock surrender. "Fine," he declared. "I lied. All right?" He
swallowed hard and tried not to think about how pissed off Snape was going to
be when he didn't show up tonight.
Sirius looked aghast, but James quickly placed a hand on his chest to keep him
back. "There," James said, satisfied, "that wasn't so hard. Now come on – take
the night off. Let's go- play some chess or something." He looked from Remus
back to Sirius, and gave a tiny shake of his head. Sirius looked as though
smoke could have been coming out of his ears, his nostrils flaring as his
breath came fast. "Padfoot," James warned before turning back to Remus, "and
Moony. Let's go."
What could he do? Remus took a deep breath and followed his friends back to the
common room.
                                     ~~~~~
That night he tossed and turned, finally settling onto his back and staring at
the ceiling. Fucking, stupid Peter. You didn't keep Snape waiting, that was one
rule. He'd never talk to Remus after being stood up like this. But what did
Remus care? He didn't, he decided. It was never supposed to happen in the first
place, so it was just as well that it was over now. As long as James and Sirius
never talked about it again (and they were most expert at ignoring things they
didn't want to deal with, as that very evening had proven, once they had all
reached the common room again), all could proceed as before. He could leave all
of this behind him. If only his traitorous mind would stop flashing back to
those stolen encounters… in that classroom, or the Quidditch stands, or just
inside the Forest…
"What if I just…"
"Oh."
"Do you- like that?"
"Oh."
"Just- let me- here, take these off."
"No! Not unless- you do, too."
"No way.
"Then fuck off, I'm not going to."
"OK, fine. Just a second. There, is that better?"
"Oh."
"Now you have to."
"I am! Just hold on, for fuck's sake."
"Ah, you… bloody hell, Snape, that's… ah."
"Oh."
"Can you say anything else?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know. My name, maybe?"
"You know your name."
"Prat. Say my name."
"Lupin."
"My name."
"No. Ahh, just- don't stop."
"Only if you promise to do this to me later."
"Fuck, oh. Oh. I promise."
"Just–"
"Mm… Remus…"
They had graduated over the past few months from sloppy, awkward kisses and
shy, experimental touches to things that made Remus's breath hitch in his
throat when he thought about them… things involving steady hands and inventive
tongues and the thrill of flesh on flesh, when they could afford the privacy.
He didn't know what to call any of it; it was terrifying and mesmerising, and
he felt like his hand was in the world's biggest, most dangerous cookie jar. He
knew it was off-limits, the things they did, and the things Remus wanted to do
besides, and he hated himself for not being normal, like James and Sirius and
Peter, for wanting to study with Lily so that he could ask her what she thought
of Snape, not to snog her himself.
But he would be damned if he was going to admit that to his friends. They were
good friends, realfriends, and getting caught had been awful. They'd taught
themselves to become Animagi, for god's sake, and all by the age of fifteen.
They cared about him more than anyone else did; more than his own family did,
even – and probably more than Snape ever would. No, if they didn't approve of
Snape, they must have their reasons, and he couldn't go against their wishes,
just for a bit of fooling around in hidden corridors at night. He just
couldn't. Snape would come and go, but his friends – they would be there
forever.
                                     ~~~~~
The morning after they caught him, Remus went down to breakfast feeling sick
and miserable. When the post arrived, a school barn owl swooped towards him and
dropped a note in his lap. James eyed him carefully but said nothing, and Remus
hastily opened it to see two words scrawled across the parchment.
                                   Fuck you.
He frowned and turned away, but Sirius laid a hand on his arm.
"Look, Moony, about last night…" he began, and Remus glared at him. "No,
really! I just- we want to apologise." He glanced over at James, who nodded.
"We were just- worried about you, you know? You have to be careful who finds
out about- you know."
"And Snape would tell the whole school," James chimed in. "We don't want you to
get expelled or anything, right?"
Remus nodded. Well, that much was true – it was risky, and Snape had been
asking an awful lot of questions lately. "Yeah, I know," he agreed. "I'm… sorry
I… well, you know." He swallowed. "It's done with, anyway. Can we- not talk
about it, please?"
James smiled, and Sirius clapped him on the back. "Sure, Moony. Water under the
old bridge, right? Glad to hear it's all in the past. Now." He leaned in
conspiratorially. "That Hufflepuff's been eyeing you – the blonde one, with
the–" He made an obscene gesture in front of his chest and gave Remus a knowing
waggle of his eyebrows. "She's got Charms with us; why don't you try chatting
her up today?"
Remus smiled weakly and nodded. "Sure, Padfoot. Good idea."
As they left the Great Hall, Remus lingered behind his friends, glancing over
to the Slytherin table to find black eyes on him, as he'd expected. He pursed
his lips and shook his head slightly in apology, but if Snape understood him,
he made no sign.
                                     ~~~~~
"Moony, you awake?"
A dark head peered between his bed hangings, and Remus looked up with a start.
"Yeah," he whispered back, then scooted into a sitting position as James
climbed up to the other end and leaned against the footboard, closing the
hangings. He muttered a quick Silencio, followed by a Lumos, and the bed was
bathed in cool yellow light. "What the hell are you doing?" he added, eyes
darting around nervously.
"Relax, I'm not here to seduce you," James said, grinning. "I just wanted to
talk."
Remus sighed. "We've done that, all right? I don't want to talk about it
anymore."
"Well, I wanted to talk about Quidditch, but since you brought it up…" James
smirked through the dull light, and Remus couldn't help but grin back. The
tension that had weighed on them for the past few days seemed to evaporate, and
Remus let his head fall back against the headboard.
"Arsehole," he muttered, still grinning.
"Pouf," James replied, and Remus stiffened. "Relax, I'm just taking the piss,"
he added, laughing. "Look, why don't you- tell me about it?"
"About what?" Remus asked in alarm.
James smiled. "You're my friend, Moony, and you were- into this, right? And if
it was anyone else, a girl or something, I'd want to know about it. So, just-
tell me… why."
"If I knew why, I wouldn't have hidden it," Remus muttered, pulling his knees
up to his chest. He sighed. "He's different, okay? And he's not as bad as you
think."
"At what?" James said mischievously.
"Oh, for god's sake." Remus paused and narrowed his eyes. Fuck it – they
already knew, and they hadn't kicked him out of the dorm yet, so maybe it was
time to go for broke. "James Potter," he began, head cocked to the side, "are
you asking me what it's like to get a blow job?"
James's jaw dropped. "No! I- you think I don't know? I already know."
"No, you don't."
"I–" He closed his mouth and glared. "Are you telling me you got a blow job
from Snape?"
Remus nodded, inspecting his fingernails. "Several."
"Moony, that's disgusting. What am I doing here? Excuse me, I have to go throw
up."
"No, you don't," Remus said, grinning, "and anyway, who cares who it was? The
point is that I've had a blow job and you haven't."
James began to splutter a reply, but a new face poked between the curtains just
then.
"Well, I have," Sirius declared, crawling to the middle of the bed and looking
between James and Remus, "and I can tell you, it's something you should strive
for, Prongs." He nodded solemnly, then broke into a broad grin as James reached
out and took a swipe at him.
"I'm trying to have a private conversation with Moony, you tosser – fuck off."
Sirius looked put out. "Then you should work on your Silencing Charms, because
you're louder than a charging hippogriff over here."
James swore under his breath and tugged at the hangings experimentally, as if
blaming them for his failure. He glared at Sirius, who just grinned and turned
to Remus.
"So, blow jobs from Snivellus, eh? Pretty bad, Moony."
Remus sighed again in exasperation. "A blow job's a blow job, right? Who cares
who it is?"
Sirius shook his head sadly. "So, now we have to change your voice on the Map?
Or is Snape still a big-nosed git?"
Remus scowled. "Yes, he still is, and no, you don't have to change anything – I
told you, the Charm makes it change anyway, according to circumstances."
"So it'll still talk about his abnormally large nose in twenty years?" James
laughed. "Good."
"If I still think that in twenty years, yeah," Remus confirmed.
"So what's it say now?" James asked slyly. "Mr. Moony presents his compliments
to Mr. Snape, and thanks him for the incredible blow job?"
Remus's eyes widened. "Fuck off!" he cried.
Sirius laughed, then twisted his face into a sneer. "That's just… so…
disgusting."
"And doesn't he smell bad?" James asked, wrinkling his nose.
"And what about his hair? You don't want that on your… little werewolf," Sirius
added, as Remus glared at him.
"And aren't his fingernails dirty?"
They all turned their heads toward the new voice.
"Wormtail, go back to bed and let the adults talk," James said, smirking, then
turned to punch the curtains. "Wait – you can hear through these things, too?
What the fuck."
"And what do fingernails have to do with it, you dumb fuck?" Sirius barked as
Peter climbed onto the bed beside James.
"Do you even know what a blow job is, Wormtail?" Remus asked, almost enjoying
himself now that they were all talking about it so easily.
"Shut up!" Peter wailed, hitting them all on the arm in turn. "I know that I
don't want one from Snape, whatever it is," he muttered as an afterthought, and
Remus laughed.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," he said impishly. "He's quite skilled."
A poignant silence followed, as James and Sirius's mouths dropped open.
"Oh no, I really am throwing up now." James scrambled off the bed and out of
sight, Sirius watching him through the open curtains with a look of pure
delight on his face. Soon the room was filled with the sounds of James's
dramatic faux retching, and Sirius laughing.
"See what you've done, Moony?" he cried, his eyes alight. "Poor Prongs's lost
his dinner, and all because you had to go and put your dick in Snape's mouth."
Peter's head swung towards him, eyes wide. "In his mouth? Moony, that's–"
He was interrupted by the sound of more pained gagging from James, and they all
started to laugh, Remus included.
After a lengthy bout of hacking and coughing, James climbed back onto the bed,
wiping his mouth and taking deep breaths. "Whew," he said, shaking his head. "I
know I asked for details, Moony, but that was harsh. You've got to warn a bloke
before getting into stuff like that." He settled back against the footboard and
just dodged Remus's leg as it sprang across Sirius's lap to kick him.
"Well," Peter piped up, stretching his legs out on the bed, "at least you
didn't do that to Snape, eh Moony? That'd be even worse."
"What?" Remus looked at him.
"You know, with- his- dick." Peter pronounced the word with difficulty. "You
didn't put that in your mouth, at least, right?" He grinned and turned back to
James.
Remus felt his face flush, as James and Sirius slowly turned their heads
towards him, jaws agape.
"Moony?" asked James, his voice low. "You didn't, right? You used his greasy
Slytherin mouth for the only thing it's good for, then you zipped up and walked
away, right?"
Sirius leaned forward, his dark eyes glittering. "Right?"
"I… yeah. Of course, yeah. I walked away." Remus looked down, rubbing his
sweating palms against the sheets.
"You sucked his cock?" Sirius hollered, punching Remus in the arm. "You fucking
didn't, Moony! Tell me you didn't."
"Ow! Shut the hell up! No, I didn't." Remus shuffled back on the bed and glared
at the other three boys. "Of course I didn't."
The four of them were silent for a moment, and Remus prayed that this was the
end of it. He would never see Snape again, he would swear to it, if only this
was the end of it. But his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of James's
voice.
"Yeah, all right, Moony," he began, "but you know we're going to have to get
him for this, right?"
Remus's heart stopped.
                                     ~~~~~
He raised an eyebrow, struggling not to look worried. "Get him?" he asked
innocently. "What are you talking about?"
James shrugged, darting a glance at Sirius, whose grin was spreading across his
face. "You know, teach him a lesson."
Remus's eyebrow sprang higher as his gaze darted between the three of them, all
smirking at each other.
"Yeah," Sirius clarified. "We'll just have a little chat with him, Moony –
nothing for you to worry about. Unless you'd like to be there for it?" He
quirked an eyebrow.
"Look, what is this?" demanded Remus. "I'm not a child – you can't tell me what
to do."
James stared at him. "Okay, Moony, okay." His voice softened, and he glanced at
the other two boys. "Your judgement's a bit impaired by all those amazing BJs–"
Sirius turned his head and made a loud gagging noise on James's behalf, and
James paused to smile indulgently at him.
"–and we're not trying to tell you what to do, okay? But just- think about it.
Snape's pretty weird, right?"
"And queerer than a four-Sickle coin," Sirius piped up.
"Well yeah, and that," James agreed, giving Remus a pointed look. "I've got
four Sickles in my pocket right now that says he tricked you somehow, at least
the first time."
Remus shifted on the bed, hugging his knees tighter to his chest, as James
watched him carefully.
"Yeah. Thought so. He's not a good person, Moony, all right? You used to know
that."
"Not to mention," Sirius added, "that he's queerer than a–"
"I get it, Padfoot, okay?" Remus said irritably. "I get it."
"Look," Sirius continued, more angrily than before, "I'm sure it's really tough
for Snivellus, just wanting some Gryffindor cock and not being able to get
any–"
"–but you can't let him use you like this, Moony," James finished for him. He
held up his hands, palms facing Remus, seeking Remus's eyes. "It doesn't matter
to me if you want cock, all right?" He glanced to the other two boys. "It
doesn't matter to any of us."
Sirius and Peter muttered their half-hearted assent.
"So which is it–" James leaned towards him. "Did he trick you, or did you want
it?"
Remus felt a small explosion in his stomach, and he suddenly wanted to be
anywhere but here, doing anythingbut talking to his best friends about this.
They would never understand. "He tricked me at first," he conceded, "and then I
wanted it, all right? Just- you have to shut up about it."
"No, Remus, because this is important, yeah? It doesn't matter if you want it –
what matters," James continued slowly, "is where you go to get it. You start
going to Dark wizards, Moony, and people are going to talk about you." He
paused to let his words sink in.
"He's not a Dark wizard," Remus retorted, "and neither am I."
Another silence fell over the bed, and Remus's eyes widened.
"Neither am I!" he cried, sitting bolt upright and staring at his three
friends.
"We know, we know," said James quickly, in a reassuring tone, but the damage
was done. "I didn't say we think that, all right? I said other people might,
and you just don't want to have to deal with that, do you?"
Remus thought about it, and it didn't take him long to come to the conclusion
that James was right. There might not be anything wrong with Snape, but there
was definitely quite a bit wrong with the image of Snape, the sort of
reputation he had, the sort of spells he knew. And Remus was a Dark Creature.
Why hadn't he thought of this before? It was very, verydangerous, what he had
been doing.
"No, I know," he said quietly. "I was just–"
"Randy?" Sirius finished helpfully, and Remus laughed.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Moony, I'm saying this as a friend," James began. "It's really hard to live as
a pouf, okay? My mum's got this cousin, and he's just a real nutter. Big-time
queer. No one in the family'll talk to him."
"Right," Sirius chimed in. "No offence, Moony, but you already have a lot of
shit going on, that you need to hide, right? Do you want this, too?"
Remus snorted. "No," he answered truthfully, glancing around at his friends.
"No," he repeated, more firmly. "I just- sorry. I've been a prat."
"Blow jobs'll do that to you." Sirius patted his leg sympathetically, then
darted a mischievous look at James. "Prongs wouldn't understand that, but I
do–"
"Oh, you fucking–" James pounced on Sirius, wrestling him to the bed and
punching him in the arm, as Remus and Peter jumped out of the way.
"Get the hell off my bed!" Remus hollered after a moment, suddenly exhausted,
and sick of their conversation. He watched for another moment as his friends
laughed and rolled around with each other, before he reached out and pushed
them hard in mid-roll. They tumbled through the hangings with a muffled Oof,
landing on the floor and swearing profusely at him.
"G'night, Moony," they each called in turn, as Remus heard them pick themselves
up from the floor, still landing the occasional punch.
"Get off my bed, Wormtail," he said quietly to the last boy remaining, who had
watched James and Sirius tumble from view with that grin plastered to his face.
Peter turned to look at him. "Moony–"
"Get off my bed," he repeated, struggling to remain calm.
"Okay, okay," Peter muttered. "But I didn't mean to tell them, all right? And
it's okay now, anyway. It's better, isn't it?" He looked at Remus hopefully.
You know we're going to have to get him for this, right?
"Yeah, Wormtail," Remus replied, giving him a push and trying to ignore his
rising feeling of dread. "It's better."
                                     ~~~~~
The day before OWLs began, Professor Carleton gave the Potions class a fairly
simple review assignment, and Remus let out a sigh of relief – best not to have
any difficult assignments this week, so that Snape was less likely to get angry
with him for messing them up. The past week had been bad enough, trying to
avoid him, while simultaneously shooting him apologetic looks. He glanced over
now, feeling a pang of sadness, and caught Snape looking back out of the corner
of his eye.
"I'm sorry, you know," Remus said quietly, pretending for the benefit of the
others that he was fiddling with the strap on his book bag.
"They know, then?" Snape responded in a tense voice.
"Yeah. I didn't mean for that to happen, all right? I'm- I'm really sorry."
Snape snorted.
"Look," Remus continued, after ensuring that James and Sirius were occupied
making smoke rings float up from their cauldron, "they're going to- try to do
something to you."
Snape glanced at him. "Did you figure that one out all by yourself?"
"I–"
"Of course they are," he sneered. "What do I care? I'm not afraid of them."
Remus didn't know what to say to that, apart from, Yes you are, or at least,
Well, you should be, but those weren't likely to meet with a positive response
from Snape, so he didn't say anything for a moment. "Well," he began, only
half-joking, "aren't you going to beg for another chance?"
Snape stared at him. "No," he said simply.
"Why not?"
Snape resumed his chopping. "Are you actually an idiot, Lupin, or do you just
act that way around me?"
"Um."
"Right, I thought so. Fine – another chance."
"What?"
"You get one more chance. What's it going to be?"
"Wait – I didn't say I get another chance; I said you do. If you beg me for
it." Remus grinned at him, satisfied with his logic.
"Beg you for what, exactly - a slobbery blow job that I could do better
myself?" Snape folded his arms over his chest and tried to look intimidating.
"Could do better- what?" Remus laughed. "You can't give yourself a blow job."
Snape's cheeks pinkened. "You know what I meant!" he insisted.
"Though I think I'd like to see you try," Remus mused, angering Snape further.
"I meant I could- my hand would- better than you- oh, just fuck off." Snape
frowned, and in different circumstances Remus might have even taken it for a
pout. His heart tensed, and he suddenly wanted to lean over and wipe that
miserable expression off Snape's face with a deep kiss.
But he had promised is friends he wouldn't do that anymore. They were right –
Snape was dangerous, with all the reading he did about Dark Arts, and if he
ever discovered Remus's secret, well. There would be a lot of shit hitting the
fan, and that was guaranteed even if Dumbledore didn't find out. And if he did…
No. Remus couldn't risk it. He couldn't get himself kicked out of school, just
because Snape was such a good kisser.
"I liked this, you know," he said suddenly. "I'm- sorry they found out."
Snape watched him closely. "What are you so afraid of?" he asked at last, and
Remus started.
"I–" He paused. "We just- can't. Anymore."
Snape pressed his elbow into Remus's, that secret contact they always used in
the middle of class, and Remus's traitorous cock knew the signal by now. He was
hard in seconds, pressing his arm back into Snape's and fighting back a gasp,
as if his arm, even through two layers of clothing, was suddenly his most
sensitive erogenous zone.
"Once more," Snape whispered, pushing back, their bodies locked together from
shoulder to wrist, and Remus nearly screamed in frustration.
Fuck fuck fuck. Why did he have to listen to James and Sirius and bloody Peter?
Why was he so worried about what they would do to Snape – and to him – if the
two of them didn't stop this sneaking around? Why was – oh god, stop pressing,
stop rubbing – it's an arm, for god's sake –
"I can't," he choked out, wanting nothing more than to turn and crush his body
into Snape's against that counter, tearing their clothes open and dragging
their cocks together until the Earth stopped rotating. He knew Snape was just
as hard as he was. He knew Snape.
"Fine," Snape replied, stepping to the side and breaking the contact, and Remus
almost howled. He dropped his head, gripping the counter with both hands and
breathing hard.
"Wait," he pleaded, not looking up, and he didn't even care if the whole class
heard him, or noticed his strange behaviour, or even if he got detention for
neglecting his potion. He couldn't care about anything other than Snape, and he
was crazy for ever thinking he could.
"Once more or not?" Snape repeated, his voice calm, but when Remus turned his
head and looked into those eyes he saw the frustration, and the conflict, and
the desire – all of which mirrored his own.
"Fine!" Remus whispered back, still breathing hard and hating this entire
situation. "Of course once more." He paused and let himself smile a bit in
anticipation.
"Where?"
For a split second of insanity, he pondered taking Snape to the Shack. If they
could just get a bit of bloody privacy, especially if this was to be their last
chance, and the Shack would be perfect. "There's a place I go to sometimes," he
began, then bit his lip.
Snape looked at him quizzically.
"No, never mind, it's not safe. Let's just say the Forest, like usual. Should
be warm tonight."
The bell rang, and Remus rushed to join his friends at the doorway, chattering
about inane things to ward off any questions about his lab partner, but he
still noticed, with sinking dread, when James glanced over his shoulder at
Snape, still packing up his books, then nudged Sirius with his arm. No, they
didn't think he noticed, but he saw all the furtive glances, all the looks, and
anticipated all the secret plans being made.
If he continued this, his friends would abandon him – that much he understood.
They would only take it out on Snape for so long; after awhile, they would
start taking it out on Remus, too, and then what? Then he would have no one.
No, it had to end, and it would. But first, he would get one more night.
                                      ***
Chapter 3: One More Night
That night was one of the strangest, and most exhilarating, of Remus's life,
and one he was not likely to forget. Snape seemed to have changed that week,
since their cancelled rendezvous the night James and Sirius caught Remus in the
hall. He seemed more serious now, more determined, and more sure of himself –
not the uncertain kid who had run off to vomit after their first kiss, but
someone new, a young man with burning black eyes, watching Remus take his shirt
off with the hunger of a Death Row inmate sizing up his last meal.
Remus had reached the clearing first, further into the Forest than they usually
went. He wasn't afraid in there; he knew the animals recognised his scent, and
stayed as far away from him as possible. He always tried to get there early, to
give the creatures time to get the warning to clear off before Snape arrived.
He conjured a mattress now, so thick and soft it was almost nicer than his bed
in Gryffindor Tower, and a blanket to match. Snape raised an eyebrow at him.
"Just what are you hoping for tonight, Lupin?" he asked with a smirk, and Remus
felt himself blush.
Oh, what the hell – it was their last chance; he had nothing to lose. "I'm
hoping to get laid," he said with a grin, licking his lips when he saw Snape
sink to his knees, pulling his own shirt off as he went.
"Come on, then," Snape challenged, pulling at Remus's legs until he lost his
balance and fell on top of Snape with an oof, and a laugh.
But the laughter quickly turned to moans and gasps as Snape rolled on top of
him and kissed him fiercely. Holy fucking god, there was no feeling in the
world like Snape kissing him, and Remus didn't care if he'd find girls he liked
kissing later, or hell, even other boys; for now, this was all he wanted.
Kissing Snape made Remus forget everything else – he forgot to worry about OWLs
and what his parents would say if he scored less than perfect; he forgot to
worry about how he was going to keep Padfoot and Prongs from running off to
Hogsmeade and wreaking havoc next full moon; and most of all, he forgot the
moon entirely. Kissing Snape made his aching joints disappear, his torn muscles
mend, and his scarred body heal, even if only for a few minutes. Kissing Snape
made him normal, in a way – he wasn't some grotesque Dark Creature during those
sweet moments when Snape's mouth was on his; he was just a normal sixteen-year-
old boy with a healthy erection and a wild imagination, learning about all the
marvellous things that lips, and tongues, and fingertips, and thighs, and bare
chests could do to a person.
He tried not to think about the possibility that kissing Lily, or Amelia, or
Alice would be quite a bit more normal than kissing Snape, if normalcy was what
he was after. But the thought of kissing anyone other than Snape made him
wince, in fact, and as Snape moved over top of him now on their makeshift
mattress, the Forest quiet except for their laboured breathing, it occurred to
Remus that he could quite happily kiss Snape until the end of eternity, and
never get tired of it.
Snape paused then and sat up, knees still pinning Remus down on his back. "Did
you mean that?" he asked quietly.
Remus struggled to sit up on his elbows, and his erection bumped Snape's leg in
the movement. "Ah," he gasped, and Snape grinned. "Mean what?"
"About hoping to get laid."
"Oh. Um, yeah, I think I did." He felt his cheeks redden, but what did he care
– he liked Snape, he felt comfortable with Snape, and he surprisingly didn't
mind saying something like that to Snape.
They gazed at each other for a moment, Remus trying to work out what could be
going through Snape's mind. "What- what's wrong?" he asked cautiously.
Snape climbed off him and sat cross-legged on the other side of the mattress.
He looked like he was trying to answer, and opened his mouth several times as
if to start, but then closed it again.
"You… don't want to," Remus said for him, after a minute of this behaviour, and
Snape looked up sharply.
"No! I mean, yes – I do. I just…" He clamped his mouth shut again.
Remus smiled, then scooted over to sit next to Snape, resting his chin on the
other boy's shoulder and placing a tentative hand on his knee. "Then what?"
"You know we're not supposed to be doing any of this, right?" Snape said
suddenly, in that voice of his that was much too old for him, and sounded like
it had always been like that.
Remus pulled back to look at him. "Oh, not this again," he muttered, and
Snape's brow creased.
"Not what? Look, you know as well as I do that we're just… freaks, right? You
never want to talk about that, but you have to admit it." He frowned and stared
up at the sky.
"Great. So this could be our last chance for awhile, and you want to spend it
all crazy because I don't have tits? Fuck off!"
"You fuck off!"
"No! You started this in the first place. I wouldn't be like this if you hadn't
kissed me."
"Oh, I made you gay? Fine, go snog Lily Evans, for all I care."
"I don't want to snog Lily Evans!" Remus cried. "And shut up – I'm not- that."
"What?"
Remus didn't answer, staring hard at the empty sky and trying to figure out
where this had all gone so wrong.
"Oh," Snape sneered, "you're not gay? Get a clue, Lupin. If you want to snog me
over Lily Evans, then you're gay, and you're also a freak. Nobody else in the
world will understand you, but I will, all right? Because I'm just as big a
freak." His voice wavered on the last words, and Remus looked over at him
again.
"I don't want to be gay," he whispered, a random image of James's mother's
cousin floating in his mind – someone he pictured as an awful man in snug
trousers, with food on his face and grease in his hair.
When Snape didn't say anything, Remus moved forward and rested his chin on the
other boy's shoulder again. Snape turned his head and looked at him with soft
eyes. "You shouldn't be," he replied, then forced a small smile. "And there's
still time to save you, anyway. It's- it's good they found out, you know. They
can still- I don't know… they can set you up with girls and everything. You'll
be better off."
"Wait." Remus lifted his head. "You just said I'm a gay freak, and that I have
to accept that, and now you think my friends are going to save me? What the
hell's the matter with you tonight?"
"I just- argh!" Snape fell onto his back and pounded his fist into the
mattress, then lifted it to rest on his forehead.
Remus laughed without meaning to, laying back and leaning over the boy beside
him. "Hey, Snape?" he asked, a playful note in his voice.
Snape glared at him.
"Do you want to kiss me?"
He heard Snape's breath hitch, though the boy said nothing.
"Mm, good. And do you want to… touch me? Like before, my scars, I mean?"
Snape continued to stare at the sky, his lips a tight line.
"Okay, good. And…" He swallowed, his heart hammering. "Do you want to… suck me,
like… you did before?"
Snape closed his eyes at that, his chest heaving.
"Because I really liked that, you know. And I really liked- doing it to you,
too." Oh good lord, Remus had no idea when and where he had developed the nerve
to say all of this, but he couldn't stop.
Snape turned his head at that, a carefully suppressed smile threatening to
break through on his lips. "Really?" he asked.
"Uh, yeah." Remus's eyes were wide. "Wasn't that pretty obvious?"
The grin succeeded in breaking through that careful façade, and Remus's heart
flipped over. "Yeah, I thought maybe- you liked it," Snape admitted, his cheeks
turning pink.
Remus relaxed. Now that he had broken through Snape's defences, this game could
be fun. "Did I ever," he confirmed, leaning in to nuzzle Snape's neck, his
tongue flicking down to his collarbone, then back up. "I mean, I hear it's
nothing like what you can do to yourself, but I'm not half bad, right?"
Snape rolled his eyes, then punched him in the arm.
"Ow!" Remus laughed before continuing. "And I also like… when you… you know,
use your hand."
Snape moaned, turning onto his side to face Remus.
"You know what I always think of?" he asked slyly, his fingers playing with the
long strands of hair that had fallen over Snape's shoulder, and Snape quirked
an eyebrow.
"What?"
"That day when you got us detention, and I made you wash that stupid pestle,
and… well, for fuck's sake, Snape, you were totally groping the thing."
Snape's eyes widened. "I was not!"
"You were so!" Remus started to laugh, and when he thought of Snape not even
knowing what he had been doing that day, he couldn't stop. "You mean you didn't
do it on purpose?"
"No! I- I was just washing it."
Remus stared at him in disbelief. "You looked like you were trying to get it
off, you pervert!" He buried his face in Snape's shoulder, shaking with
laughter. "You were like, fisting it. I've never gotten hard faster in my
life!"
Snape gave in and chuckled, his hand in Remus's hair, pulling him close. "Well,
you looked good that day. I must have been- frustrated."
Remus shook his head and burrowed further into the crook of Snape's neck, still
smiling. "Well anyway, I'll never forget that as long as I live, especially
when you're- doing that to me." He raised his head and kissed Snape slowly and
surely. All that talk about the pestle, and all that kissing, was making him
painfully hard.
Snape moaned into his mouth, then pushed him back on the mattress and climbed
on top of him. "And is that what you want- now?" he whispered when he pulled
back from the kiss.
"Maybe."
"Ah, right. You want sex." Snape gave him an uncertain look, and Remus flushed.
"Well, I don't know – do you?" He brought his hands down to cup Snape's arse,
pulling their hips together and gasping at the friction against his cock at
last.
Snape sat up, straddling Remus, his fingers on Remus's chest, tracing patterns
again. "Well, yeah, but…" He looked away.
"What?" Remus asked gently, his hands moving up Snape's torso, then back down
again to rest at the waistband of his trousers.
"I don't- know what that means," he finished, blushing again, and Remus's eyes
widened.
Oh. It wasn't a bad point, really, and Remus realised that he didn't know,
either. He figured Snape would. "Well," he ventured, "is it…" He trailed off,
furrowing his brow, then looking up at the other boy hopefully, waiting for
further instructions.
"I don't- know," Snape stammered. "I mean, I've read a few things…" He bit his
lip.
"You have? Where?"
"Just- never mind." Snape sat back on his heels and his shoulders deflated, his
hands resting on Remus's stomach.
Looking up at him, so anxious and defeated, Remus couldn't help but laugh. "Let
me get this straight," he said, pushing himself up on his elbows again. "We
both want to… have sex–" Snape's cheeks flamed – "but we don't know how. And-
you might have read about it in a book once… but you're not sure."
Snape stared at him for a second, then he too started to grin, then started to
chuckle, then ended up collapsing on top of Remus in a full-bodied laugh. Remus
joined him, clutching at his shoulders and pulling him close as they howled
together at the ridiculousness of it all.
But soon something more than laughter kept them rocking together, as Snape
buried his head in Remus's neck and Remus wrapped his arms around Snape's back
and pulled him in close, pressing his hips up and gasping when he felt Snape's
erection rub against him.
Suddenly Snape sat up again, panting and swallowing hard.
"What?" asked Remus, sitting up as well, their legs still tangled together.
Snape glared at him. "Just–" He grimaced.
"What?" Remus repeated in frustration.
"I'm not going to be able to wait to find out what sex is, if you don't stop…
rubbing like that, all right?"
Remus blinked, then started laughing again. "God, you're a lot of work, you
know that?"
Snape scowled at him and shook his head.
"Here, then," Remus continued, moving Snape off of him and unfastening his
trousers quickly, then pushing them down and off, followed by his pants. He was
more than outrageously nervous about this, because despite all the things they
had done, he and Snape had never been naked together. But this was getting
ridiculous. He was quite sure his cock was going to pop off if they didn't
start doing something pretty soon, and anyway, what did he have to lose? This
was supposed to be their last night together, wasn't it? The thought made his
stomach clench with fear and anger, but he pushed it away.
Kicking his clothes aside, he reclined onto the makeshift bed again, trying to
look more confident than he felt. He looked up and noticed that Snape had
turned an odd colour, somewhere between dust and ash, and was breathing hard –
panting, really, and his eyes were locked on Remus's straining cock. Suddenly
his hand flew to his own trousers and he pressed down hard, but it was too
late, and he made a sort of squeaking sigh and screwed his face up in agony and
ecstasy.
Watching him, Remus knew in a split-second that he wasn't going to be able to
wait either, and he grabbed his cock firmly and began to stroke. Snape jerked
his head up, eyes wide. Oh yes, they had done quite a few things to each other
over the past two months, but not this. Remus moaned, his breath hitching in
his throat as he felt himself unravel, warmth jetting into his hand, his eyes
locked on Snape.
They were still for several seconds, both panting, their cheeks flushed with
arousal and slight embarrassment.
"I- I'm sorry," said Snape at last, his face reddening further as he sat
kneeling over Remus's thighs, and Remus exhaled dramatically and grinned.
"I'm not," he teased, then gave a jerk of his head in the direction of their
crumpled robes. "Get a wand, if you can reach, and then think of a cleaning
charm that won't leave detergent on me."
He saw Snape hide a smile as he obeyed, cleaning them up and gazing down at
Remus.
"And if I'm not putting my clothes back on for awhile," he added, "a warming
charm wouldn't be a bad idea."
Snape's eyes widened. "Not… for awhile?" he repeated, then quickly cast the
charm around them.
"No," Remus confirmed, suddenly feeling more confident than he ever had before.
He felt as though lying naked on this forest floor with Snape was the only
thing he was meant to do his whole life. "Now stop playing this innocent game,
and take your stupid trousers off."
                                     ~~~~~
Oh yes, getting Snape out of his trousers had definitely been a good idea,
because at that point it became apparent that all Snape's inhibitions were tied
to his trousers, and getting rid of the second did wonders for erasing the
first. Remus had never been more nervous, and more excited, in his life as he
was in those next few moments, lying on his side next to Snape.
He tossed the blanket over both of them, smiling broadly to mask his anxiety.
Away from the open air, and the prying eyes of the stars, their inhibitions and
insecurities began to evaporate, and Remus couldn't help but groan as Snape's
body pressed into his. Snape's fingers had fallen to Remus's scars again, as
they lay together in a moment of post-orgasmic (if premature) bliss, and Remus
treasured the companionable silence between them more than he thought he would.
It shouldn't be like this, he thought. It should be harder, more awkward, and
tense. Not comfortable like this.
"All right, then," Remus offered after a moment, his curiosity pushing him to
interrupt their comfortable silence. Snape pulled back slightly to look at him.
"So what's in this book you read?"
Snape stared at him. "What?"
"You said- you read a book about it. I just- I wanted to know." He chewed on
his bottom lip as Snape rolled over onto his side, propping himself up on an
elbow to look at Remus.
"It- you're supposed to- never mind. I don't want to do it, anyway."
Remus watched him for a moment, then grinned. "I don't believe you."
"Don't believe what?"
"That you don't want to do it."
"Well, I don't. I don't care if you don't believe it." He frowned and dropped
his eyes.
"Snape!" Remus cried, his eyes wide. "Why are you so weird?
"I'm not weird! It's just–" Snape faltered. "You won't like it."
Remus laughed outright at that and rolled on top of Snape, pinning him down.
His skin flamed again at the sensation of being so close to Snape, lying on top
of him like this. The very thought of being here with him at all gave Remus a
small thrill. He shifted his weight and let his cock brush against Snape's,
just to hear the other boy gasp.
"Come on," he teased. "Tell me."
Snape's dark eyes gazed up at him for a long time, and Remus could tell he was
thinking it over. He moved his hips again to give Snape some incentive.
"I mean," he continued in a low voice, "we could do it this way." He pushed
down hard, groaning at the friction with Snape's straining cock, and for a
second he thought he might come again. Honestly, they would never get to this
sex thing if they both couldn't keep from coming every ten minutes just from
the thought of it.
Snape's head fell back against the mattress and his neck muscles tensed. "Ah,"
he muttered, gritting his teeth in concentration. "This way is- fine," he
managed.
But Remus lifted off him with Herculean willpower, sitting back on his heels
and crossing his arms over his chest. "No. Tell me what else you know."
Snape's eyes glittered in what Remus could only imagine was exasperation, as he
sat up and easily flipped Remus over, pushing his legs up and settling between
them in a few short seconds.
Remus's back hit the mattress and a thrill jolted his stomach, as his cock
strained for touch. Oh god, how was it possible that Snape, of all people,
could undo him like this? He closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath,
hardly daring to anticipate what Snape might do next.
It was a sound strategy, that, because what Snape did next he could never have
anticipated.
A simple finger started it. A lone, slender finger, with a first knuckle just
slightly crooked, made its way up to Snape's mouth and slipped between his
lips. Remus was certain he heard his cock whimper at the sight. The finger
stayed where it was, Snape's wet lips moving over the length of it, licking
every bit of it. His other hand, meanwhile, had travelled to Remus's cock,
grasping it lightly.
Remus moaned, unable to stop himself, as Snape slowly stroked his cock. He
looked down to find that finger leaving Snape's mouth, dropping behind the
other hand on Remus's body. It brushed past his balls to probe further, gently,
searching for –
Remus scrambled up into a sitting position again, his cock throbbing. "Wait,"
he warned. "What are you-"
"That's it," Snape answered, looking both pleased with himself and terrified at
the same time.
"That's what?"
"That's what I read."
Remus stared at him. "What's what you read?"
"That! I'm supposed to do... that."
Remus's chest heaved. "With- your finger?" he asked uncertainly.
Snape glared at him.
"With- oh. But- oh. You're kidding."
Snape shook his head.
Remus was silent for a moment, trying to keep his eyes from falling to Snape's
cock, from sizing it up, from wondering how it would ever - God.
"So do you want to do it or not?" Snape challenged.
"I- it won't- fit."
Snape stared at him again, exasperated. "Well, we have to- get ready first."
Remus realised he was breathing very quickly indeed. "But that's where- that's
what-" He frowned. "Are you sure you're supposed to put it there? I'm not a
girl, you know." He looked away, his face flaming.
But Snape's eyebrows shot up. "That's not where you put it in girls!" he cried.
"How do you know?"
"I just know."
Remus paused. "You read that somewhere too, didn't you?" he muttered.
"I- so?"
"Snape, how much time have you spent reading about sex, versus actually doing
it?" he asked, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"What, like a ratio?"
It was Remus's turn to stare. "Yeah, like a ratio," he confirmed, his eyes
narrowed.
Snape thought for a moment. "Probably... thirty to... zero."
They watched each other for a few seconds before Remus started to laugh. He
pulled Snape down on top of him again, smiling into his ear. "That's not a very
good ratio."
Snape started kissing his neck, wet, almost sloppy kisses that reminded Remus
of what that mouth had done to a finger not that long ago, and he groaned
happily. "No," Snape agreed between kisses. "I don't suppose it is."
Remus pulled Snape's head up so that their lips met hungrily. He let his tongue
slide forward, finding Snape's and tangling them together. He felt his heart
rate quicken as Snape lowered his body again, his chest pushing into Remus's,
their legs intertwined, and their cocks rubbing in a way that was making it
very hard to think clearly.
The last coherent thought he remembered having was: I want to. As Snape
continued to kiss him fiercely, hands in his hair, he remembered that wet
finger, and the idea of what he was about to do at once terrified and aroused
him.
As if sensing his thoughts, Snape broke off the kiss, lingering an extra second
to suck Remus's bottom lip before pulling away and gazing at him. "Mm," he
grunted, and Remus smiled.
"Hey, Snape?" he whispered, his voice wavering a bit. "You can- do it."
Snape's expression didn't change. "Really?" he asked, and Remus found himself
nodding, staring into those dark eyes and thinking himself a complete fool to
be having such strong feelings for Snape, of all people, but no longer able to
deny that the feelings were there, and that they wanted him to get as close to
Snape as possible.
"Tell me what to do," he said, a bit timid now. He wished he had read some of
Snape's books.
"All right," Snape answered, pushing himself up on his knees again, and Remus
lost his breath at the sight of the other boy's cock, hard and leaking, staring
at him as though daring him to change his mind. Without thinking, he reached
out to stroke it, his fist closing around it with firm pressure.
Snape closed his eyes. "Cut it out," he muttered after a moment, an irritated
expression on his face. "I have to be able to- just, stop that."
Remus laughed again. "Oh, all right. I couldn't resist. You're so–"
"Yeah, I know, but you have to–"
"Okay! I stopped." Remus glared at him. "Now what?"
He looked down at Remus, splayed out on his back, and seemed to consider, as if
trying to remember specific drawings in his books. "You can stay like that if
you want, or you can turn over. I think."
"Turn over?" Remus sat up a bit.
"Yeah. Like–" Snape pushed on Remus's right hip to nudge him, and Remus
complied, rolling onto his stomach.
"Like this?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Oh."
"What?" He twisted his head around and found Snape's gaze on him again, then
felt soft fingers running down his back, his arse, his thighs. "Oh," he moaned.
"I think I- like you like this," Snape muttered, using both hands now to caress
the muscles of Remus's shoulder blades. He collapsed on top of Remus, letting
his chest push into Remus's back, and the sensation of such pressure on him
from another body thrilled Remus.
"I think I do, too," he breathed, letting his head rest in his folded arms as
Snape's hands fell to either side of his shoulders. He gasped as Snape shifted
his hips, and Remus felt the shocking and unbelievably arousing sensation of
Snape's cock against the cleft of his arse. "Oh," he managed.
Snape pushed against him again, but then drew back, with what self-control
Remus didn't know, since he himself was busy humping the mattress. "So, which
way?" he asked, sitting up.
Remus whipped his head around, panting. "What?"
"Do you want to stay like that, or turn over again?"
"Do I- fuck, Snape, who cares? Just- fuck. Do that- do that again." He suddenly
felt cold and bare without Snape's chest against his back.
Snape lowered himself again, and as Remus felt the other boy's peaked nipples
brush against his shoulder blades, he whimpered. Snape's hips drew up against
his arse, his cock falling just too low, brushing into Remus's sensitive sac.
He shivered at the sensation and bit his lip to keep from crying out. He pushed
his hips back a bit, hoping for more of that delicious contact.
Snape started kissing his back, lightly and quickly, moving across his
shoulders and down his spine. It felt like a burst of bright light, every nerve
end shooting out from his spine, down his arms, and out his fingertips. But
just as suddenly as it had begun, Snape stopped, sitting up again on the
mattress.
                                     ~~~~~
"Okay, I just need to think for a second," Snape said, frowning in
concentration.
"Oh." Remus rolled over onto his back again, trying to hide his disappointment,
and waited. He eyed Snape with undisguised curiosity, then waited some more.
Snape's lips were moving a bit, as if he was reciting something to himself. He
would do that for a few seconds, then curse and scowl, falling silent until
inspiration struck again.
After several minutes of this behaviour, Remus ventured a question. "Er- what
are you trying to do?"
Snape stopped muttering under his breath and looked up. "I'm trying to-
remember something I read."
"What?"
And exasperated glare. "If I knew what, I wouldn't have to remember it, would
I?" he shot back.
"Okay, okay." Remus rolled his eyes. "Maybe I can help."
"I doubt that," Snape replied, and Remus frowned. "But I think I've got it." He
knelt in front of Remus again and started to bring his hands to his cock, then
looked down and stopped. "Oh, for god's sake," he muttered, and Remus followed
his eyes, to discover that trying to remember spells was not an activity that
Snape's cock had found particularly engrossing. It appeared to be fast asleep,
lolling against the side of his leg.
Remus couldn't help but laugh, until he glanced down to find his own prick in a
similar sorry state. "Ack!"
"Here," Snape offered, pushing him back onto the mattress again and climbing on
top of him. "You have to kiss me some more."
"Oh!" Remus smiled. "Well, all right then." He wrapped an arm around Snape's
neck and pulled him close, their lips brushing softly. He tasted nervous but
determined, Remus decided as he deepened the kiss, parting his lips and letting
Snape's rough tongue into his mouth. He heard himself start to whimper a little
bit, pleading with Snape through his groans of pleasure to toss the books aside
and just do it.
He pulled Snape on top of him and wrapped his arms around the other boy's back,
then grinned into the kiss as he felt Snape's renewed erection pushing against
his leg. "Mm," he sighed, pulling back to whisper in Snape's ear. "I think that
worked."
Snape just groaned and kissed him again, more aggressively now, as though the
slow tease of the evening so far had finally driven him mad. He pressed down on
Remus's body, nearly smothering him with his weight, and Remus let himself be
happily suffocated, fingernails digging into Snape's back as the gasps into his
mouth grew more urgent.
When he felt Snape's hand moving down his body, a shiver of excitement passed
through him, and he had to remind himself to keep his restraint – that he
wanted to enjoy this and not let it end too quickly. Snape's hands kept
travelling down, and he sucked on Remus's bottom lip in such a distracting,
wonderful way that Remus barely noticed when Snape nudged his legs apart and
settled between them. He was so caught up in the kiss, of the feeling of
Snape's coarse hair between his fingers and Snape's pounding heart against his,
that he almost forgot to notice when one of Snape's fingers trailed down his
cock, along his balls, and pushed gently past his entrance.
Almost.
He felt himself clench down on it without meaning to, his body protesting the
intrusion. Snape pulled his mouth away just a bit, resting his forehead against
Remus's and breathing against his lips. "Relax."
Remus blinked and tried to obey, his blood racing from the terror and
excitement of this utterly strange situation, and as Snape began to move the
finger around a little bit, he pulled his face back from Remus's a fraction
more, and looked deep into his eyes.
Their gazes locked, and at that moment Remus felt safe, in a way he couldn't
explain, in a way he never thought he would feel. Snape pushed in further and
Remus winced, but didn't break eye contact, and didn't want Snape to stop. He
pushed in even more, and Remus panted a breath that came out like a gasp, and a
shameless moan, and Snape's eyes lit up.
"All right?" he whispered, still holding that gaze, and Remus never wanted to
look at anything else, ever.
"Yeah," he breathed. "Just- maybe a bit… dry."
Snape nodded and slowed the finger's movements. He pulled it back, freeing it
from Remus's body, and Remus had to swallow hard to keep from admitting that as
strange as it had been, he felt even stranger without it.
Snape sat back on his heels again, still watching Remus carefully, his hand
closing around his own pulsing erection. "I was trying to remember the charm,"
he explained hesitantly, and Remus nodded.
"Oh." His eyes fell to the hand on the cock in front of him, transfixed.
Snape closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in concentration, his fist firm on
his shaft, and Remus bit his bottom lip and shuddered with excitement as he
watched. It was happening, he thought with a thrill. He was here, and this was
Snape, and they were naked in the middle of the Forest, and Remus's entire body
was burning with anticipation, because they were going to have sex, they really
were, and he was ready, he was aching, he wanted nothing more than to lie back
and watch Snape move over him again, pushing into him not with a slender, dry
finger, but with the smooth, silky head of his cock, the thick fullness
entering him and joining them together, and Remus didn't care if he had never
even heard about the act thirty minutes ago – now, he wanted to do it so badly
he could hardly wait another second.
He glanced up at Snape's pale face, eyes closed, and took a sharp intake of
breath when the other boy uttered the lubrication spell.
"Lubrio!"
Remus's heart was hammering so fast he thought it might jump right out of his
chest and fly across the Forest. Snape opened his eyes and met his gaze, before
they both glanced expectantly down at his cock.
Nothing.
Snape frowned, moving his fist back and forth a little bit, as a test.
"Maybe you need a wand?" asked Remus helpfully, biting down his disappointment.
"I don't need a wand!" Snape snapped. "You think a spell like this assumes
people always have wands nearby?"
"Well, then maybe you got the pronunciation wrong."
Snape narrowed his eyes. He never got anything wrong, and Remus knew it, but
Snape resumed his position and prepared to try again. He began to stroke
himself earlier this time, establishing a focused rhythm before uttering the
incantation again. Remus held his breath.
"Lubrio!"
Still nothing.
Snape let out a stream of rather aristocratic curse words and Remus grinned,
shaking his head.
"That's what you were trying to remember?" Remus started to laugh. "You don't
have to be a Latin whiz to remember that one, Snape."
"I didn't see you trying to help!" Snape sputtered. "And anyway, I didn't
forget the word, you idiot – it's just that the–" He flicked his wrist around a
bit in the air – "hand movements are really specific, I think."
They sat quietly for a moment, Snape still apparently searching his brain for
the solution, and Remus growing increasingly desperate to just get off again,
no matter how they did it.
"All right, Snape," he offered when he could stand the silence no longer,
"we'll just do something else."
Snape glared at him, and Remus reminded himself that the other boy never got
anything wrong, and never accepted failure.
In one quick movement, Snape had leaned forward and positioned his cock behind
Remus's balls, just outside his entrance.
Remus raised his eyebrows and the grin fell from his face. "Wait," he pleaded.
"Not without- just- hold on and let me think."
"I think maybe you have to be starting to- do it- for the charm to work," Snape
muttered.
"Now you're just making things up!" Remus exclaimed. "None of this is actually
in a book, is it?"
"Yes it is! Just, be quiet." Snape took a deep breath and fell forward a bit
onto the palms of his hands, spread on either side of Remus's hips. He caught
Remus's gaze again and let it linger, then leaned down and licked a slow, hot
trail from the middle of Remus's chest up to the hollow of his throat.
Remus whimpered.
"Let me try," Snape pleaded softly, gazing down at him again. He moved his hips
a tantalising bit forward, and Remus's heart started to pound again at the
feeling of the head of Snape's cock pressing there.
"All right, do it," he whispered, and he wasn't sure whether he wanted the
charm to work this time or not.
"Lubrio," Snape recited, his voice soft but steady, his eyes boring into
Remus's.
At that point, their romantic reverie was interrupted by several things
happening at once. Snape tried to move his hips again, in experimental fashion,
but ended up finding himself sliding forward into Remus's body, much faster
than he had intended, as three times the requisite amount of lubrication
slithered between them.
Remus, meanwhile, managed to overcome the sudden lack of air in his lungs at
the pain to holler an uncensored, "Waaah!" and clutch Snape's forearms.
Snape, upon realising he had entered Remus too quickly and was hurting him,
tried to pull back again, but at that moment Remus's knees reflexively closed
around his hips, locking him in place, as Remus's passage tensed around his
cock.
They both stopped trying to move.
"I've hurt you," Snape said at last, panic in his eyes.
"Sort of," Remus agreed, still rigid as a broomstick.
"I can't- get out- unless you relax," Snape gritted though clenched teeth.
"Oh." Remus considered this, and tried to focus his energies on unlocking all
his muscles. When he did, he noticed it didn't hurt quite as much, and that
Snape was moving a little bit.
"Okay, just move your knees," Snape ordered, wriggling his hips a bit more, in
an effort to free himself from where Remus had him pinned.
Remus cried out, as a wave of electricity crashed over him.
"Fuck fuck fuck," Snape muttered, terror lining his face. "I'm really sorry,
fuck, just–" He tried to break free again, but rather than relaxing the grip of
his legs around Snape's hips, Remus tightened them. And tightened them more.
And then somehow found himself wrapping his legs completely around Snape and
pulling him close, until the other boy's cock was fully sheathed inside him.
The cry became a moan. The ache became a tingle. The hairs on the back of his
neck danced, sending a jolt of sensation down his spine.
"What are you doing?" Snape hissed. "Are you crazy? Here, let me- oh. Oh."
Remus felt warm, and wet, and completed. He arched his back and parted his lips
a little, panting as he gazed up at Snape. "Be quiet," he breathed. "Just–"
Another moan escaped his lips and he strained his neck against the mattress, as
Snape pulled back a fraction, then thrust in again.
"I don't know–"
"Like that."
"Like–"
"Oh." Remus couldn't talk. "Would you shut up?" he managed. "Just- ah. Do
that."
He closed his eyes and let sensation overtake him. It was by far the strangest
feeling he had ever experienced, and for someone whose entire body destroyed
and rearranged itself every month, that was saying something. Snape withdrew
again, about halfway, then pushed forward, grunting each time, and Remus's head
swam. Snape. Snape's cock. Snape's cock was inside him, moving, pushing,
pulsing, and it was making his stomach flip over, and his chest ache, and his
fingertips prickle.
Snape's cock was inside him.
This wasn't the same as those times when Snape's cock had been in his mouth, or
in his fist, or even that time Snape's cock had dragged itself against his own,
pressing into him and rubbing them together until they came in a dizzying rush.
This was nothing like those times. This was his body, the most intimate part of
his body, a part that nobody had ever been anywhere near, a part that was his
and his alone. He couldn't imagine allowing this from anyone else – not his
friends, not Lily, not anyone. There were people in his life that he trusted,
who knew him better than most others – who knew his secrets and helped him
through the pain and the howling and the loneliness in the Shack every month.
But this was different, this was something else entirely, and there was no one
in his life he trusted the way he trusted Snape right at this moment, because
Snape's cock was inside him.
His fingers clutched at the other boy's back as his heels pushed into the back
of Snape's thighs. The black hair was hanging over his face as Snape's head
dropped between his shoulders, his arms starting to tremble at the effort of
holding himself up. Remus pulled him down until his arms collapsed, and their
chests pressed together as Snape began rocking into him furiously. Snape's
belly rubbed against Remus's cock, and all he could do was wrap his arms
tighter around Snape and hope he never, ever had to let go.
He wasn't floating on air or anything. He felt thick, weighted, anchored. He
felt terrified, and enraptured. It hurt, and it didn't; he couldn't decide. It
felt strange, but in a good way, and he really wanted to know what it would
feel like in another five minutes.
His heart raced and his blood pounded as he neared release. The sound of
Snape's moans in his ear was making him weak, and he suspected he was making
similar sounds, but he couldn't hear them, he couldn't stop them, he couldn't
do anything but hold on, his body a mess of sensation and emotion. To his
horror, he felt tears pricking the back of his eyes, and he squeezed his lids
shut against them.
"Remus," he heard Snape whisper into his neck, then he heard it again, and
again, and the fucking tears broke through as it all overpowered him and he
came with a violent shudder between their bellies. He felt himself clench down
hard on Snape, who continued to thrust wildly into his body as Remus's
fingernails dug into the boy's shoulders. He felt Snape stiffen and jerk inside
him, and he took a deep breath to keep himself from dissolving straight through
the Forest floor from the sensation.
Snape just came inside him. Insidehim. Remus couldn't wrap his mind around it.
It was too much, an event so monumental he didn't think he would ever recover.
His legs shook and he turned his wet face to the side as Snape collapsed on top
of him, heaving and sighing and holding him tightly.
He buried his face in Snape's thick hair, hoping it would muffle his words. "I
think… I love you," he murmured before he could stop himself, his mind and body
thrumming with emotions he couldn't hold back.
Snape turned slowly and gazed at him for a moment, a shy smile on his lips,
then he leaned in and kissed Remus, gently and urgently and perfectly. When he
pulled back, his eyes were haunted, their blackness resting like coal against
his face. "Then I think… you're crazier than I thought you were," he replied
softly.
                                     ~~~~~
Remus wanted to lie together for awhile afterwards, Snape's lithe body pressing
into his as their limbs tangled together, flashbacks of sensation whirring
through his mind, but Snape had other ideas.
"We should get back," he said curtly, after allowing a moment of post-coital
snuggling. He rose to his knees and groped around the edges of the mattress for
his shirt, and Remus reluctantly sat up and watched him. Now that it was all
over he had to admit that his arse was feeling rather sore, and… sticky. He
really wanted a shower. He really wanted Snape to join him. He briefly wondered
if they could conjure one under the nearest oak tree.
Snape dressed quickly, pulling on his shirt and trousers, fastening his belt
and tying his shoes, then hauling his heavy robe over his head against the
night air. He stood to straighten his sleeves as Remus gazed up at him, still
reeling from the intensity of everything he was feeling.
"It's- you couldstay," he mumbled, trying to hide his disappointment.
Snape looked away. "No. I have to go."
Remus sat cross-legged under the blanket, still naked as the day he was born
but not caring one whit. He ran a hand over his face. "I just- okay. I know."
"Don't get any romantic ideas in your head, Lupin," Snape warned, turning
towards him suddenly and glaring down from his standing position. "This is
over." His voice wavered a little, Remus was sure of it.
Remus blinked. No. "Maybe it doesn't- have to be," he said quietly.
Snape stared at him for a second, then knelt down in front of him. That haunted
look was back in his eyes, Remus could tell. For eyes that colour, such a deep,
penetrating, solid colour, Remus was surprised at how many levels of emotion he
was learning to detect within them. "It does have to be," Snape confirmed in a
low voice, before switching to a lighter tone. "Don't get all sappy over it,
all right? That's all I need."
"What's all you need?" Remus challenged. Now he was getting angry. They had
just… just… done that, something so incredible and intimate and bloody fucking
amazing that Remus was sure he would never forget it as long as he lived, and
Snape was brushing it off? No.
"Look, I've got enough to deal with now, all right? I don't need you getting
all- like this." He took a deep breath and reached for Remus's shirt, tossing
it at him. "Go back to the castle, Lupin, before your friends come out looking
for you." He pronounced the offensive word as though it hurt his tongue.
His friends. That's what this was about. He grabbed Snape's arm as the other
boy went to stand up again. "They're not looking for me," he insisted, "and
they can't- do anything. Not anymore."
Snape watched him carefully for a moment, then snorted a bitter laugh. "No? Try
again. They know about this, Lupin, and I'm the one that'll pay." He broke free
of Remus's grip and held up his hand when Remus began to protest. "It doesn't
matter, all right? I don't care what they do. Don't feel bad or anything." He
muttered the last bit under his breath.
Remus shook his head. "Snape," he said evenly. "No. They won't do anything. I
swear they won't."
"Oh yeah?" Snape raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "Look who's suddenly
going to stand up to them."
Remus frowned, dropping his gaze to the ground. That hurt more than it should
have, especially since a nagging voice in the back of his head told him that
Snape was right. He picked himself up and stood to face the other boy, his legs
still unsteady. He reached for Snape's hand and held it tightly, so that he
couldn't pull it away. "I will," he insisted.
Snape was silent.
Remus moved forward another step, still squeezing Snape's hand, and brought his
free hand up to brush a strand of hair out of the other boy's eyes. He leaned
in slowly, tentatively, and placed a soft kiss on Snape's lips, sucking gently
at the bottom one, then gliding his tongue over it shyly. He pulled back and
regarded Snape again, to find his eyes closed and his chest heaving. "Do you
trust me?" he asked, a finger falling down Snape's cheek.
Snape remained immobile for another moment, then slowly opened his eyes and
gazed at Remus with that haunted look. There was the Snape that Remus wanted to
see right now, not the one who had risen so abruptly and tried to leave; there
was the Snape that he had just made love to, had sex with, lost his virginity
to – oh god, that's what it was, that's what this was called, that's why this
was so incredible – there was the Snape that had just been inside him, moving
and pulsing and gasping and shuddering. And there was the person he had just
decided he loved, for what it was worth.
Snape broke their gaze at last and let his forehead fall gently into Remus's,
his nose against Remus's cheek. He took a deep breath and muttered one simple
word. "Yes."
                                      ***
Chapter 4: Lupin's Worst Memory
 
OWLs went better than Remus would have expected. He felt prepared; he had made
a revision schedule months ago and stuck with it. He was still a bit worried
about Transfiguration, since his friends always laughed and swatted the book
out of his hand when he tried to study from it – What? Easiest subject in the
world, Moony. Don't you think so, Padfoot? – and no matter how many times he
tried to convince them that perhaps if he could control his animal changes, he
might not need the textbook – they never listened.
But eight of his nine exams were now over, and the latest – Defence Against the
Dark Arts – had gone very well. Remus found himself in a jovial mood as they
exited the Great Hall amidst a throng of their fellow fifth-years.
"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius teased with a smirk on his face.
"Loved it," he answered, smiling. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf.
Excellent question."
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" James raised a mocking eyebrow.
"Think I did," said Remus in a serious voice, as they headed towards the great
front doors of the castle, and the welcome June sunshine beyond. "One: he's
sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus
Lupin."
The three of them laughed, but Peter just looked confused, as usual. "I got the
snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail," he said anxiously,
"but I couldn't think what else–"
"How thick are you, Wormtail?" James snapped. "You run round with a werewolf
once a month–"
"Keep your voice down," Remus said through gritted teeth, suddenly not in the
mood to joke about question ten anymore. He caught sight of Snape out of the
corner of his eye, studying his exam paper as the other students jostled around
him and out onto the lawn, and Remus bit his lip. It had been over a week since
their night together in the Forest, and loathe as Remus was to admit it… he
missed Snape. His body was just starting to feel normal again, after he had
spent the first few days following their night together walking a bit gingerly,
and sitting down rather delicately. But now he found that he missed the
sensation of it. Snape had done that to him; Snape had been that close to him;
Snape had –
He sighed as they walked out into the fresh air, the other students around them
still chattering about the exam. It didn't help to dwell on the situation,
especially when Snape – not to mention James and Sirius – had made it clear
that it was over.
"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius was saying as they
headed across the lawn. "I'll be surprised if I don't get 'Outstanding' on it
at least."
"Me too," James agreed, reaching into his pocket.
Remus rolled his eyes and grinned. Always so modest, his best friends. But he
felt fairly confident about that exam as well; he had been studying hard, and
it seemed to have paid off. He watched as James pulled a struggling Golden
Snitch out of his pocket.
"Where'd you get that?" Sirius asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Nicked it," said James, with that casual smirk Remus knew meant that his
friend was immensely pleased with himself. He started playing with the Snitch,
releasing it from his grip for one, two, three seconds as a time to see how far
away it would fly, then grasping it with lightning-fast reflexes just before it
took off across the lawn and out of reach. He was as skilled with it on the
ground as he was on the Quidditch pitch, and Remus smiled to himself at his
luck, that someone so athletic, clever, and popular would ever have wanted to
be friends with him. He thought Peter might be thinking the same thing, as the
other boy watched James with undisguised admiration.
They wandered across the lawn and parked themselves under a sprawling oak tree:
James still playing with the Snitch as Peter gazed at him, Sirius casting a
bored eye around the grounds for something else to do, and Remus leaning back
against the trunk with his Transfiguration textbook propped open against his
knees. He glanced up as he flipped the pages, searching absently for the
chapter he had been reviewing the day before, and again he caught sight of
Snape wandering nearby, nose still glued to his recent exam paper.
Remus felt a jolt up his spine and a pleasant tingling in his fingertips as he
furtively watched Snape sit down on the grass, not far from their tree. That
was strange – Snape usually gave the Marauders a wide berth around Hogwarts. He
did seem to be engrossed in his paper, but surely he could not have failed to
notice where he was sitting…
But Remus found he couldn't spare much thought for that, as the sight of Snape
sent his mind and body into flashbacks to that night, to that unforgettable
feeling of Snape's wiry frame pinning him to that mattress, moving inside him
in a way Remus never would have even thought possible before. Concentrating on
his exams over the past week had been difficult enough, with all the sex-tinged
images floating into his head, while he was trying to remember the best
repellent for hinkypunks. But now, with Snape so close, almost within reach,
Remus was overcome with an urge to cross the short distance between them, push
Snape down into the grass, and just climb on top of him, grinding their hips
together and biting at his neck until that familiar moment of release left them
both breathless.
Did you sit there for a reason, Snape? Remus found himself thinking, biting
back a grin. Are you hoping I'll come to you, and pull your trousers off, and
grab your cock, and grip you so hard you'll shout my name like you did that
night? He moved the book a bit lower in his lap, trying to create some friction
with his swelling cock. Are you waiting there for me to do that charm, the one
you thought you knew so well – you'd teach it to me, and then I'd be inside you
this time, just fucking you like crazy? And then would you –
"Put that away, will you – before Wormtail wets himself with excitement," he
heard Sirius say beside him, and he shook himself out of his fantasy in time to
watch James make another laudable catch. He took a shaky breath and frowned,
spreading the open book across his lap.
"If it bothers you," replied James with a shrug, as Remus watched him put the
Snitch in his pocket.
Remus closed his eyes and tried to regain his control. No, he told himself
sternly. It's over. Snape said so himself. We can't do that again, ever. A
shockwave hit him in the stomach at that. We can never do that again. His cock
sagged, just as suddenly as it had hardened in the first place, as if in
resignation of its fate. He raised the book and pretended to read, hoping that
would keep him from thinking about Severus Snape ever again.
"I'm bored," Sirius announced after another moment. "Wish it was full moon."
Remus glared at him. "You might," he muttered. "We've still got
Transfiguration," he added, trying to get his mind off Snape. "If you're bored
you could test me. Here…" He held the textbook out to Sirius, who brushed it
aside.
"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."
"This'll liven you up, Padfoot." James eyed Remus for a brief moment, his dark
gaze lingering just a bit too long, before turning to Sirius. "Look who it is…"
Sirius followed James's eyes as they travelled back across the lawn.
"Excellent," he whispered. "Snivellus."
Remus glanced up for a split second, then immediately dropped his eyes again to
his book. Oh no. Snape had just packed up his paper and had set off back across
the grounds, studiously not looking in their direction. Remus found that his
heart suddenly felt like it would burst out of his chest, and his stomach had
completely disappeared.
He stared down at his book, the words swimming in front of his eyes. No.
"All right, Snivellus?"
No. This wasn't about him. It was done with; he had promised to stop fooling
around with Snape, and they had promised never to mention it again. He felt a
brief wave of relief at the thought. Yes, they had always teased Snape; this
was no different. This didn't have anything to do with him.
"See, Moony?" Peter whispered to him, in what the boy must have thought was a
helpful way. "They'll make sure Sniv never messes with you again."
Remus's head spun. What? It hit him with the force of a hundred
transformations. You know we're going to have to get him for this, right?
This had everythingto do with him.
                                     ~~~~~
 
Snape whirled around, already poised for battle. He threw his bag aside and
grabbed his wand faster than Remus would have thought possible, but James was
faster.
"Expelliarmus!" James yelled, aiming his wand at Snape.
Sirius laughed, James smirked, and Remus winced as Snape's wand soared through
the air, landing a fair distance away from him on the lawn.
Fuck, thought Remus with rising panic. Not today, not yet – I'm not ready for
this… But he knew that once James made up his mind about something, there was
no stopping him. Snape was just reaching for his wand when James's voice called
out again –
"Impedimenta!"

Remus had to look away as the spell hit Snape straight in the stomach, knocking
him backwards through the air to land with a pained thud on the grass.
Fight, Remus silently begged Snape. Don't make me get in on this; don't make me
save you. You don't need me; I know you don't. You know more spells than them –
FIGHT THEM! He scowled at Peter as the boy jostled his arm in search of a
better view, then noticed that several other students on the lawn had also
stopped chatting and had turned to watch.
"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" asked James, sauntering closer to Snape, who was
still sprawled out on the grass.
"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius added, his
face curled into a vindictive sneer. "There'll be great grease marks all over
it, they won't be able to read a word."
The crowd on the lawn began to laugh, Peter snickered beside him, and Remus
could only lean his head back against the trunk of the tree and close his eyes.
He felt sick. Do something. No, Snape didn't need Remus's help; the stubborn
Slytherin would just get mad and defensive if Remus tried to step in. You
promised him. No. Shut up shut up shut up.
Remus opened his eyes. Snape wasn't getting up. Why wasn't he getting up? Get
up, Remus urged in his head. He knew Snape could throw off an Impediment Jinx,
for god's sake – what was taking him so long? Snape struggled half-heartedly,
glaring at James.
"You – wait," he snarled, fury contorting his features, "you – wait!"
"Wait for what?" said Sirius. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your
nose on us?"
Peter turned to Remus then, his pointy face in a sickening grin. "Yeah, what's
he waiting for, Moony? Thinks you're going to save him, eh? Haha." He elbowed
Remus playfully in the arm, turning back to the scene before them, and Remus's
breath caught. That couldn't be it. It just couldn't be.
Snape was shaking with anger now, Remus could see it. It was the same
expression Remus had seen just before the full moon last month, when he had
told Snape they couldn't see each other; or that day in Potions class, when
Remus had stood by while James and Sirius taunted Snape. It was that expression
of disbelief, disappointment, and disengagement, all somehow wrapped together,
and the sight of it made Remus feel cold inside.
Snape couldn't reach his wand, but he tried a few hexes anyway with his hand
outstretched. He cursed to himself when they didn't work, his chest heaving as
his face turned increasingly purple. "Focus," Remus heard him mutter, before
unleashing another round of violent oaths when the wandless hexes again failed
to take effect.
"Wash out your mouth," James spat at him, narrowing his eyes. "Scourgify!"
A sickening stream of soapy film poured from Snape's lips, bubbling up around
his face and constricting his breath. Remus felt his lungs fill double, as if
trying to draw breath for Snape, when he felt a painful knock to the back of
the head. He winced and instinctively raised a hand to his hair, then turned to
find Lily striding past him, shaking out her hand and glaring at him over her
shoulder with those terrifying eyes.
"Leave him ALONE!" she cried as she approached James.
Oh god. Now Lily thought she was going to do the job that Remus himself
couldn't do? Fuck.
James and Sirius turned to her in surprise, James intuitively running a hand
through his hair.
"All right, Evans?" asked James, affecting a deeper voice for her benefit.
Remus squeezed his eyes shut. This was not happening.
"Leave him alone." Lily placed both hands on her hips and glared at James.
"What's he done to you?"
"Well," answered James, shooting a quick glance at Remus, "it's more the fact
that he exists, if you know what I mean."
Lily followed his eyes to Remus, still huddled under the tree. So did Snape.
Remus dropped his gaze again to his book, his blood stuck in his veins. Unable
to move, unable to think, he did the only thing he knew for sure he could
succeed at – nothing.
I'm sorry.
The students who had gathered to watch the entertainment were laughing outright
now, and Sirius and Peter were exchanging amused glances. They weren't just
laughing at Snape – they were laughing at Lily, too, for trying to defend him.
And they would laugh at Remus, he knew they would, if he intervened as well. He
pulled his book up over his nose.
I can't fight, he wanted to tell Snape. I can't beat them. Staring Remus down,
soap still streaming from his mouth, robes dishevelled and chest heaving, Snape
was frightening. He was a pale, skinny, ugly kid, with hair that never looked
quite clean, and an attitude that reeked of social phobia –
But he was mine, Remus couldn't help but think, as his heart sank.
"You think you're funny," Lily seethed at James, "but you're just an arrogant,
bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."
It won't help to intervene – I'll just be hexed along with you, and then what?
"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James offered. "Go on… go out with me
and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."
I meant what I said to you that night, you know. At least, I think I did. But
now… And anyway, I told you they'd come after you! Why aren't you fighting
back? You don't need me; you know more spells.
Remus dared to raise his eyes again, and his jaw tensed as he caught sight of
Snape crawling towards his wand, wiping soap from his mouth and shaking off the
Impediment Jinx, while James was arguing with Lily. Remus found himself
silently urging Snape on.
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant
squid," Lily was telling James, arms crossed defiantly over her chest.
They're my friends. You have to fight this one, okay? I know I promised, but I
just… I can't. Not now.
"Bad luck, Prongs," said Sirius, with a shrug in James's direction.
And anyway, they're done with you – it's over now. Just go back to the castle,
all right? James is busy with Lily; he won't notice…
But Snape, it seemed, had other ideas. Remus watched from behind the textbook
as Snape grasped his wand and jumped to his feet, aiming it straight at James.
"OI!" Sirius yelped, as he turned and saw what Snape was doing.
You see? You can fight on your own. Just –
In a flash, Snape had muttered a spell and sent a jet of light at James's face,
slicing into his cheek. Blood sprang from it immediately, sprinkling James's
robes as he raised a hand to the wound.
Fight.
But James's retribution was too swift. With a roar and another curse, he
pointed his wand at Snape and flipped him upside down, hanging in the air like
a grotesque marionette, his legs kicking up awkwardly in a futile effort to
right himself. Remus felt another wave of nausea as Snape's robes fell to his
armpits, and over his head –
Where the hell are your trousers? Oh god. No, no, no.
Ancient, tattered underpants appeared in front of every onlooker's eyes,
illuminated by the June sunlight, and pronounced against the paleness of
Snape's knobby legs. This was too monstrous to even contemplate. As raucous
laughter rose up from the crowd, and his three best friends howled with glee,
Remus felt like his whole life was unfurling before his very eyes, and he found
he could barely think.
He dared a glance at Lily, and found her eyes burning into him, her head
shaking back and forth almost imperceptibly. She scowled even further before
turning her gaze back to Snape, and taking a step towards James.
"Let him down!" she cried.
James shot a gleeful look at Sirius before dropping his wand. "Certainly," he
said to her, as Snape fell with a loud thud to the grass, his limbs collapsed
into a pile, robes spread every which way.
He jumped to his feet and readied his wand again, and Remus, watching
carefully, noticed that a good two seconds went by in which Snape could have
fired another hex at James, but did not. Remus's heart hammered.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Sirius hollered, just as Remus was wondering why Snape
had delayed his reaction, and in a split-second Snape froze up and toppled
over, limbs locked like a mummy.
Stop it! Remus shrieked in his head. For god's sake, we get it, all right? How
long was this going to go on? He took a deep breath and steadied himself. He
was being a coward, he knew it now. He had made a promise to Snape to help him
if this happened, and what had he done so far? Nothing. Fuck. He put the
textbook aside and gathered his courage. The longer this went on, the heavier
that feeling in Remus's chest became. He had to do something.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" cried Lily, grasping her own wand and aiming it at James.
Remus slumped back against the tree, as James and Sirius frowned at her.
"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you." James grinned at her.
Stop it, Lily – this is my fight. It's my turn to do something. Remus steeled
himself again.
"Take the curse off him, then!" she challenged.
Yeah, you tosser. Remus started to get to his feet.
James sighed, dramatically throwing up his arms, then turned to Snape and
lifted the curse. "There you go," he said, arms outstretched to her as if in
welcome. Remus sat back down and breathed a sigh of relief. It was over.
"You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus–"
But Snape scrambled to his feet on shaky limbs, breathing heavily and clenching
his fists at his sides. He turned to lay the full weight of his infuriated gaze
on Remus, dark eyes pinning him against that tree, as he spat out the worst
words Remus had ever heard from him.
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"
                                     ~~~~~
The film caught in the projector, the reel playing the archival footage of his
life sputtering and holding that frame in place. Remus's eyes locked on Snape.
What did he say? It wasn't possible. Snape knew that Remus was a half-blood –
he knew. He wouldn't say something like that, not with Remus sitting there. He
glanced quickly over at Lily and noted with approval that she was fuming. Oh
god, how could he have said that? Remus's stomach turned over and he thought he
might throw up right there on the grass. He'd let Snape touch him; he'd let a
person who used words like Mudblood suck his cock, and… Oh god. He felt himself
swaying, and he leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree for
stability.
And to think, there were times when he felt he could actually trust Snape –
when he convinced himself that if Snape could keep the secret about the things
the two of them did when they were alone together, he could surely keep a
secret about a werewolf. But Sirius had been right – Snape couldn't be trusted
with that. If he hated Mudbloods so much, Remus didn't want to know how much he
hated lycanthropes. Remus had been so stupid – he saw it all now. He was damn
fucking lucky James and Sirius had caught him, but they still hadn't been able
to stop him; they didn't know what he had done that night, what he had let
Snape do to him… He had let Snape into his life, into his body, moaning and
writhing on the ground like a whore, his hands and lips and cock doing all
those things – all those sick things with- with- a blood purist.
The reel flickered to life again, the film continuing to roll, despite Remus's
internal pleas for it to stop.
"Fine," he heard Lily fire back. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your
pants if I were you, Snivellus."
"Apologise to Evans!" he distantly heard James roar, and he found himself
grateful yet again for having the friends he did, the brave and loyal
Gryffindors who would defend their own to the death, who would not let such a
heinous insult go unpunished.
"I don't want you to make him apologise," Lily spat at James. "You're as bad as
he is."
Snape was staring at Remus. Events continued around them: Lily hollering at
James, Sirius watching with a smirk, Peter gawking back and forth between them
like a spectator at a tennis match. But Remus and Snape were in their own
world.
"What? I'd NEVER call you a – you-know-what!"
How could you?
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just
got off your broomstick," Lily continued to shriek at James, "showing off with
that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you
just because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground
with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."
I can't fight for you now, not with Lily here… my god, why did you say that?
She turned on her heel and hurried away.
Why didn't I know this about you? I'm a half-blood! You know that.
"Evans!" James called. "Hey, EVANS!"
You- you-
She ignored him, striding back towards the Lake.
You didn't mean that, did you? Tell me you didn't mean that.
"What is it with her?" said James, exasperated.
I let you… I let you… No, you didn't mean it. I know you didn't.
"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate,"
Sirius offered.
There has to be a reason, doesn't there? If I fight for you, will you tell me,
later, why you said that? Will you talk to me later? I'm just- I'm sorry.
"Right," said James, anger lining his face, "right–" He turned back to Snape
and flicked his wand. In a flash of light, Snape was flipped upside down again,
suspended in the air without recourse.
Oh god.
"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"
Remus closed his eyes.
                                     ~~~~~
Remus's heart hammered, despite the paralysis of his limbs. He finally opened
his eyes again and glanced up at Snape, hanging upside down in front of the
entire school – a humiliation so monstrous Remus could not even fathom it. He
had to do something. Snape would still never talk to him again, not after he'd
let this go as far as it did, but he could keep it from going any further.
"James," he began, his voice hoarse and broken.
His friend turned around slowly. "Yes, Moony?" he asked, eyes narrowed.
"Don't."
"What's that?" James barked. "Didn't hear you."
Sirius was circling Snape like a preying vulture, spitting more obscenities at
him, and no one seemed to notice Remus and James. Remus thought he heard
something like dirty queer from Sirius, and he closed his eyes.
If he said anything about this, he was likely to find himself up there as well,
and then Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs would never talk to him again. And they
knew! They knew everything about him now – that he was a werewolf, for one, and
that he really, really liked Snape's cock, for another. Queer.
Dumbledore thought Remus's lycanthropy was still a secret. If James, Sirius,
and Peter turned against him – if he angered them by standing up for Snape,
they could easily let his secret out, and then what? Then what. He would have
to leave the school. Not only would he end up like James's mother's cousin, a
stain on his family and a social pariah, but he wouldn't even be able to finish
school.
"Nothing," he muttered, and James frowned at him as he turned back to Snape,
jerking his wand.
"Evanesco!" he bellowed, and it was awful. Remus closed his eyes in horror as
Snape's pants disappeared, leaving his bare arse revealed to half the school,
and his cock flopping upside down against his belly.
"There it is, folks," Sirius announced, laughing. "Now you know what a faggot
cock looks like."
James turned back to Remus and said quietly, "Still want to suck it, Moony?"
"Stop it," he whispered back. "I told you I wouldn't see him again, all right?
It's over. Just- stop it."
James stared at him, considering. "We're your friends, Moony. Just had to show
you where you went wrong. You heard what he called Lily."
Remus nodded miserably, about to plead with James one more time, when a loud
thunk resounded across the lawn. They whirled around to find Sirius sprawled
against a tree, seemingly unconscious, and Snape back on his feet, robes
righted and face flushed with fury. He advanced on James with a finger
outstretched.
"I'll kill you," he snarled. "I can kill Black–" He jerked his head back
towards the tree – "and I can kill you, too."
James's eyes went wide and he clutched his wand, as if desperate to convince
himself he still needed it, in the wake of Snape's show of wandless magic. He
ran towards Sirius, with Peter following close behind. "What did you do to
him?" James shrieked. "That was Dark magic!"
Snape did not reply, but he kept his hand outstretched towards James and Sirius
as he bent down to retrieve his wand. He lingered for another second, watching
James huddled over Sirius, shaking him in an effort to cajole him back to
consciousness, before turning to Remus. Snape strode towards him, stopping a
few paces away and staring down at where Remus was still huddled against the
trunk of the tree. Their gazes locked, and Remus felt all the weight of the
humiliation, the desperation, and the hurt in those dark eyes.
Remus opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He dropped his
eyes, never feeling so sick, so confused, and so horrified in his life. There
was nothing he could say.
Do you trust me? he had asked Snape that night, wrapped up as Remus had been in
the intensity of his emotions, in the utter certainty in the aftermath of what
they had done together, that he would go to the ends of the earth for Snape,
and that no one could stop him.
Yes, Snape had answered. Yes.
Not anymore. Never again.
James could stop him. Sirius could stop him. Mudblood. That word could stop
him. And anyway, what was Snape doing using wandless magic? It was Dark magic –
James was right.
He's not a Dark wizard, and neither am I.
Oh god.
He knew he had broken his promise, and he knew Snape would never forgive him
for that, but it didn't matter. None of that mattered anymore, because he just
saw a Severus Snape who knew a fearsome amount of Dark magic and was not afraid
to use it. James had been right: Remus was a werewolf; he could not risk
associating with a Dark wizard, or a schoolmate on his way to becoming one.
It was over; it had always been over; it should never have begun. He had never
seen that side of Snape before, and he didn't know what to do with it. He knew
his friends had done all of this for his benefit, but he wasn't sure he could
quite thank them for that. Mostly, he just wanted to go back inside, lie down
on his bed, and hope it had all been a terrible dream.
When he looked over at them again, James and Peter were coaxing Sirius into a
sitting position, with half the school looking on in concern; Lily was back at
the Lakeside with her friends; and Snape was striding up the lawn and into the
castle.
He and Snape never came near each other after that, they never touched each
other again, and they never, ever talked about that day.
                                      ***
Epilogue: Severus
The projector stopped rolling, the screen faded to black, and Remus's real life
came rushing towards him.
"Yeah, okay," Harry was saying. "I just never thought I'd feel sorry for
Snape."
Remus jerked himself back to reality. "Now you mention it," he said slowly,
"how did Snape react when he found you'd seen all this?"
Harry shrugged. "He told me he'd never teach me Occlumency again, like that's a
big disappoint–"
"He WHAT?" Sirius barked, and Remus's eyes widened. Oh, this was just
fantastic. The perfect ending to the perfect bloody afternoon. Dumbledore would
kill them all if he found out their childhood bullshit was now threatening to
leave Harry unprotected, and in a great deal of danger.
"Are you serious, Harry?" asked Remus. "He's stopped giving you lessons?"
"Yeah," confirmed Harry, "but it's okay, I don't care, it's a bit of a relief
to tell you the–"
"I'm coming up there to have a word with Snape!" Sirius bellowed, trying to
jump to his feet. Remus thought he would have dived straight through the
fireplace after Harry and screamed at Snape in front of the whole school, had
Remus not tugged at his robes and held him on his knees on the kitchen floor.
"If anyone's going to tell Snape it will be me," he said, giving Sirius a
pointed look, and ignoring the ice in his blood at the words. "But Harry," he
continued quickly, "first of all, you're to go back to Snape and tell him that
on no account is he to stop giving you lessons – when Dumbledore hears–"
"I can't tell him that, he'd kill me!" Harry interrupted. "You didn't see him
when we got out of the Pensieve."
Remus took a deep breath. "Harry, there is nothing so important as you learning
Occlumency!" he said carefully. "Do you understand me? Nothing!" They would
lose the war – Voldemort would get inside Harry's unguarded head and everything
would go to hell… all because Remus couldn't keep his dick in his trousers when
he was sixteen. He raised a weary hand to his temple.
Harry just glared at both of them. "Okay, okay," he huffed, looking exactly the
way James used to look when he didn't get his way. "I'll… I'll try and say
something to him… but it won't be–" He paused. "Is that Kreacher coming
downstairs?" he asked them, his face looking panicked.
"No," answered Sirius, casting a glance over his shoulder. "It must be somebody
your end."
Harry's face turned white. "I'd better go!" he said abruptly, and in another
second, his head had disappeared from the fireplace. Sirius and Remus sat back
for another moment in silence, processing all they had just heard.
                                     ~~~~~
After Harry's head disappeared, Sirius exhaled and sat back on his heels,
running a hand through his hair and staring at the empty hearth a moment
longer. "Fucking Snape," he muttered, his face dark. "No one'll see me, Moony –
just let me go over there and tell the bastard off, once and for all, would
you? Dumbledore doesn't need to know."
Remus shot him a stern look. "No."
"Come on," Sirius growled. "This is too important, for that slimy git to just
blame Harry for everything he ever hated about James!"
"I know that," replied Remus, "but you getting arrested again doesn't help
anyone, right? Harry least of all. And he's not a slimy git," he added softly.
His friend scowled at him. "Since when?" Sirius asked.
"Since…" Remus let the words trail off, shaking his head and looking down at
the floor.
Sirius stared back into the fireplace for a second, and Remus knew he was
pondering the consequences of going to confront Snape, against everyone's
orders. He never wanted to go back to Azkaban, and Remus didn't blame him for
that.
Finally, Sirius turned to Remus again, his face puzzled. "I don't even really
remember that day," he admitted. "Do you?"
Something unpleasant flashed through Remus's body at that, but he pushed it
away and shrugged.
"It's amazing that Snape still remembers it, though," Sirius continued. "Wasn't
really all that different from any other time we took the piss, was it?" He
grunted a laugh and got up off the floor.
Remus stiffened, answering the rhetorical question before he could stop
himself. "Yes, it was."
Sirius paused on his way to the liquor cabinet and turned to him, eyebrows
raised. "Oh yeah? Why's that?"
When Remus didn't answer right away, Sirius's eyes narrowed.
"Wait a second," he began, watching Remus closely. "I remember now. That was
during OWLs, and it was right before OWLs that Peter told us…" His voice
trailed off, and Remus folded his arms over his chest, trying to shield himself
from what was coming.
"Yes," he confessed. "That was the time you and James decided to punish Snape
for… because of me." He glared at his friend.
Sirius let out a low whistle and shook his head. "Shit, Moony, I forgot all
about that! You never mentioned it again, so neither did we, and- fuck. Forgot
all about it." He resumed his trip to the liquor cabinet but must have noticed
Remus 's continued silence, because he paused with one hand on the firewhisky
and turned back again. "You aren't still all fucked up about that, are you,
Moony?" He started to laugh. "What, did old Sniv break your heart or
something?"
Remus had jumped up off the floor and had Sirius pinned against the wall, one
hand closed around his throat, in a matter of seconds. His nostrils flared as
he tried to control his breathing, his eyes locked on Sirius's. "You and James
thought you were pretty fucking ace that day, didn't you?" he snarled,
tightening his grip.
"Fuck off, you lunatic," Sirius spat, struggling against him. "No – I just told
Harry I'm not proud of it, all right? But we were fifteen! What the hell's your
problem?" He managed to push Remus away, then stood backed into the wall,
glaring at him.
Remus shook his hand out and turned, walking to the door. "I was sixteen," he
corrected, "and do sixteen-year-olds have hearts?" he asked, his back to
Sirius.
"What? Yeah, of course. I mean, I think they do."
Remus nodded, his hand gripping the door frame. "Fine. Then yes, he broke it.
And so did you and James, for making him, and so did Peter, for ever telling
you in the first place, something that wasn't any of your fucking business." He
opened the door to leave.
"What? Moony, wait! What the hell are you talking about?"
Remus turned, shaking his head, his mind whirring. "I can't believe Harry saw
that! Of all the nosy things to do, totally disregarding Snape's privacy–"
"Don't you blame Harry for this," Sirius warned, setting his glass down with a
threatening clank. "It's all Snape's fault."
"What's all Snape's fault?"
"I don't know," Sirius sputtered, gesturing around. "This! You're all pissed
off; Harry's right fucked now; James and Lily are dead – everything's Snape's
fault!"
"Snape never did anything to you!" Remus shouted, whirling away from the door
and glaring at his friend.
Sirius's eyes narrowed. "What?" he asked, his voice low and eerily calm. "Never
did anything? I guess you've forgotten all the times he hexed James in the
hallways, have you? Me too, for that matter."
"What – so he hexed you and James! You did the same to him. That's the best
reason you have?"
"All right." Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and eyed Remus. "And he
fucked my best friend. That's about enough reason for me."
"It was never about me, and you know it," Remus said coldly. "Never. It was
about you, and it was about James, and the way the two of you couldn't stand
the idea that I didn't need you anymore."
Sirius stared at him for another second, his mouth twitching, then he broke
into a cruel laugh. "Didn't need- oh, is that what you think?" He laughed some
more. "All right then – so why didn't you step in that day, Remus? If Snape was
so much more important to you than I was, than James was – why didn't you do
anything?"
"I–" He paused, then shook his head. "It's none of your business," he said
quietly.
"Oh yes it is," Sirius snarled. "You brought this up; you're the one who wants
to yell at me for it, so you can answer the fucking question, Moony, if you're
such a goddamned prince among men. What the fuck were you so busy doing that
you couldn't be arsed to stand up and protect your precious loverboyfrom nasty
Padfoot and Prongs?"
Remus blinked. Why hadn't he? He moved slowly over to the kitchen table and
pulled out a chair, slumping into it as his mind again travelled a million
miles away, to another place and time. "Because…" he began, not looking at his
friend, "I don't know."
Sirius guffawed, sitting down across from him. "Lover's quarrel, maybe? Old
Sniv wasn't meeting your needs in the sack, eh?" he chided.
"Shut up," Remus fired back, then quickly clamped his mouth shut. "Just- you
don't know what you're talking about, and I don't have to tell you, so just
shut up about it, all right?" His head swam. God, he was even sounding sixteen
again. "This has got to be the worst bloody memory I have, Padfoot," he moaned.
"And now Harry saw us all like that, it's just- god, it's just awful." He
frowned and turned away again, his mind twenty years in the past.
You kissed me. And… I liked it.
You did not. You couldn't have.
He might have laughed at the memory, if he didn't feel so sick. I did, he
thought. I loved it.
"Worst memory?" Sirius bellowed, starting to laugh. "What are you talking
about? Your worst memory is looking at Snape's dirty pants? Not that I want to
bring it up or anything, but I would have thought the thing with Snape and the
Shack might be worse, or, oh, I don't know–" He stopped laughing and glared at
Remus angrily – "Hallowe'en '81 might be sort of a bad memory, wouldn't it?"
Remus was silent. How could he explain it? How could he qualify what he had
felt that day, and why it had left him blinded with sorrow and rage in a way
that was so much different than his feelings about the Shack, or James and
Lily's deaths? "Those were bad," he conceded, watching Sirius carefully. But
they didn't strike to the very core of who I am, he wanted to shout.
"You want to put taking the piss out of Snape up there as a worse fucking
memory than the night James died?" Sirius roared, leaning forward across the
table. "Are you out of your fucking mind, Moony?"
He looked up at his childhood friend, and felt a surge of bitterness through
his veins. He hadn't been strong enough to stand up to Sirius back then, but he
was now. "You just don't remember, do you?" he asked, eyes narrowed.
"Remember what – that day? I told you, just bits. It was all the same with
Snivellus, wasn't it? Why the fuck you're making it your defining life moment
or some shit, I'll never know." Sirius glared at him, nostrils flaring.
Remus regarded him, shaking his head in disbelief. "You don't." He shook his
head. "You really don't get it."
Sirius grew angrier at that. "I remember the greasy bastard trying to kill me.
Maybe that could be a pretty bad memory for you too, eh – or were you too
worried about poor Snivellus to care about your best fucking friend?"
"Of course not," said Remus, gazing up at the ceiling.
"I don't know about that." Sirius regarded him for a long moment, fists set on
the table. "Just remember what he called Lily, Remus," he said carefully. "I
don't remember everything that happened that day, but I remember that, and now
Harry's heard it, too. That's the kind of person Snape is, yeah? I can't
believe you're still defending him." He shook his head. "Young and randy and
stupid is one thing, but you're all grown up now, Moony – you should know
better."
"Padfoot, look, I–"
"You, Moony!" Sirius interrupted with a shout. "You. More than anyone else, you
should know better!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"He called her a Mudblood, Remus. That doesn't jar with you a bit?"
Remus stared at him.
"If I've got my facts straight, you were the only other non-pure-blood there
that day, yeah? You and Lily. If he called her that, I would've thought it
would make you think twice, too."
"I didn't like it," Remus conceded. "Of course I didn't like it, but–" He
stopped, the memory still blazing through his mind. He had been sitting right
there that day, Snape had seen him – Snape couldn't have failed to notice how
close he had been to their group, out on that lawn, as he reviewed his exam
paper. Snape had known where he was, and he must have known that James and
Sirius would provoke him.
Remus recalled being incredibly hurt by that word. Snape did know that Remus
was a half-blood, even if he hadn't known then about the lycanthropy. Why,
Remus remembered thinking - why would Snape say something so awful in front of
–
And then it hit him.
He had said it becauseRemus was sitting there.
It wasn't about Lily at all, and it wasn't about James. Snape had wanted Remus
to fight – for him, against him, it didn't matter – just as long as he stopped
sitting there like a log, hiding behind a Transfiguration textbook. There had
been plenty of time – those seconds between hexes; those first fumbles, when
Snape had allowed himself to get blasted onto the grass, hung upside down,
ridiculed in front of the entire school. It didn't have to happen; Snape had
known how to fight back.
But he had waited for Remus to fight, as Remus had promised he would.
Nothing is worse than neutrality, Remus realised now, sitting at his kitchen
table with his head in his hands – to Snape, at least. You pick a side; you
pick as many sides as you can; you fight so much you start to contradict
yourself; you might even forget who you're fighting for, and why.
But you still fight, somehow.
That was Remus's failure – in Snape's eyes. It wasn't just that he broke his
promise by not standing up to James and Sirius; he could have joined in, and
Snape would have been marginally impressed. No, his true failure that day was
that he pulled his book up over his nose and did nothing.
                                     ~~~~~
"But what?"
Remus looked up. "What?"
"Of course you didn't like it, but what?"
When Remus continued to stare at him blankly, Sirius started to laugh again.
"Earth to Moony!" he called. "Still dreaming about Snape? For fuck's sake, let
it go, would you?"
Remus regarded his old friend for a long moment. "You really thought you were
looking out for me, didn't you?" he asked quietly.
"Well, sure," Sirius replied. "And having a bit of fun with the stupid bastard,
I guess. What? I really don't see what you're so upset about." He frowned and
rubbed at his throat, before getting up again to fill his glass. Remus stared
at his back.
"You never did," he replied softly, and all at once, that grainy, black-and-
white footage of his memories blossomed with colour, revealing to him a
perspective he hadn't been able to consider when he was sixteen.
"What's that?" Sirius turned again, his drink in his hand. "Well, anyway. You
should go out tonight, get your mind off it, eh? I'm sure Rosmerta's got some
fine ladies who'd be happy to show you a good time." He laughed. "Get that
taste of Snape out of your mouth, that's for sure." He shook his head, still
chuckling, then took a long swallow of whisky.
As Remus watched his friend wipe his mouth and sigh with liquor-infused
satisfaction, already having forgotten what he had just said, Remus realised
that he had spent his youth throwing his chips in with all the wrong people.
He had been so sure.
He'd thought they had learned the Animagus transformation for him, that they
would do anything for him, that they were just looking out for his best
interests.
He had been so wrong.
They were loyal to their friends, certainly, but only on their terms. They
thought they needed to fight for Remus, to protect him from the forces of evil
they saw in Snape, and they did – oh, did they ever fight for him. And they
never once stopped to ask him if he wantedthem to fight. He had been so scared
of losing them, so afraid that they would betray all his secrets if he didn't
do their bidding, that he hadn't the strength to fight for the one person who
mattered more to him that day than anyone. Severus. He thought of Snape now and
a dull ache settled in his chest. He had forgotten. He had madehimself forget.
Seasons had changed, years had passed, best friends had died, and wars had lain
dormant. And with every ticking second, his memories of Snape had burrowed
deeper into his subconscious – until today.
"Going to feed Buckbeak," Sirius's voice called from the other side of the
room, and Remus looked up to find a sack of dead rats slung over Sirius's
shoulder. He pointed an index finger at Remus as he headed towards the door.
"We're not done with that Occlumency deal, all right? I still want to give
Snape a piece of my mind." He strode out, letting the door fall shut behind
him, and leaving Remus alone with his memories.
                                     ~~~~~
Remus sat at the kitchen table, staring at the wall. He thought about Snape,
and he thought about the scars. There would be more now, both internal and
external; life as a Death Eater would have done that to him, Remus suspected.
He knew now, without even thinking about it, that he wanted to see them, that
he had to see them – that neither of them would ever be able to remove that
memory from their shared Pensieve until they confronted it.
I loved you, and I should have fought for you.
Without another thought, he strode upstairs from the kitchen, grabbed his cloak
in the entrance hall, and headed for the front door, just as Sirius emerged at
the top of the stairway to the second landing.
"Where are you going?" he asked, furrowing his brow.
Remus turned slowly. "To talk to Snape about the Occlumency," he replied,
daring Sirius to challenge him.
They watched each other for a moment before Sirius spoke. "You think he'll fuck
you again after all these years, just because of that Pensieve?" he asked
icily.
Remus swallowed. He was sixteen again, that night in the dorm, and Sirius was
telling him the same thing, telling him what he couldn't do, threatening to
withdraw his friendship if he did – but this time, he would make the right
choice. "I hope so," he retorted, flinging the door open and marching out.
He didn't really think about what he was doing, or what he would say, or how he
would apologise, and he certainly didn't think about what he would do if Snape
refused to talk to him. All he knew was that he had to try.
Their lives were still interwoven somehow – a tragic story without an ending,
and all the hurt, the betrayal, the misunderstandings still stood between them
like a barbed-wire fence. Snape had tried to goad him into fighting, twenty
years ago, and Remus hadn't been strong enough to do it. He had hidden behind
James and Sirius, just like he always did.
Not anymore.
They were part of a different life, and he should have realised years ago that
he needed more than they could give him.
He reached Hogwarts and sneaked through the great front doors. Mass confusion
reigned, as students ran every which way, and that Umbridge woman scuttled
about the entrance hall, shrieking at all within range. There would be time to
ask questions about that later. For now, Remus hunched over in order to draw as
little attention to himself as possible, edged along the wall as he made his
way through the crowd, and started down the stairs to the dungeons.
When he reached Snape's office, he stood in front of the dark door for several
minutes, the low torchlight making eerie shadows on the wall, and reminding him
of the fear, of all the things he used to be afraid of, when he was young and
stupid.
Not anymore.
He smiled to himself and took a deep breath, then he raised his hand,
channelled all his courage into making a resolute fist, and knocked on the
door.
 
                                     -fin-
End Notes
     Some dialogue in the Prologue and Chapter 4 is taken verbatim from
     J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (UK edition),
     pp. 589-91 (chapter: "Careers Advice") and pp. 566-72 (chapter:
     "Snape's Worst Memory.") Thanks to Dora the Nymph and Smoke for the
     beta work.
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