Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10512768.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Phandom/The_Fantastic_Foursome_(YouTube_RPF)
  Relationship:
      Dan_Howell/Phil_Lester, Phil_Lester_&_Charlie_Skies
  Character:
      Dan_Howell, Phil_Lester, Charlie_Skies, PJ_Liguori, Brendon_Urie
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe, Angst, danandphil_-_Freeform, Phan_-_Freeform, AU,
      YouTube, Trigger_Warnings, Self_Harm, Phanfiction, Sad, Hurt/Comfort,
      Emotional_Hurt, Hurt_Dan_Howell, You_Know_When_You_Die, Semi-Soulmate_AU
      but_not_really, attempted_suicide, Self_harm_burning, Love, Happy,
      Alternate_Universe_-_Tattoos, Alternate_Universe_-_High_School,
      References_to_Supernatural_(TV), lots_of_Twenty_One_Pilots_references_in
      chapter_titles, Idk_what_i'm_doing, Depression, Triggers, Past_Abuse,
      Implied/Referenced_Homophobia, Implied/Referenced_Rape/Non-con, Implied/
      Referenced_Character_Death, Implied/Referenced_Cheating, referenced
      sexual_content, past_abusive_relationships, Implied/Referenced_Suicide,
      Implied/Referenced_Underage_Sex, Implied/Referenced_Domestic_Violence,
      Implied/Referenced_Underage_Prostitution, implied/refernced_prostitution,
      Eventual_Happy_Ending, Drinking, Underage_Drinking, Underage_Drug_Use,
      Drug_Use, Dysfunctional_Family, Unsupportive_family, Bullying
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-03-26 Chapters: 15/? Words: 24754
****** Lucky // Phan ******
by Toxic_Essence
Summary
     It's a world of conformity and Dan's a storm of abnormality.
     Everyone is born with a special tattoo on their wrist. It's the date
     and time of their death and how they die. But the thing is, they
     themselves can't see the date. Only how they die.
     But others can see the date, just not how they die.
     It's really interesting circle.
     So what happens when Phil Lester, the happiest and most outgoing kid
     in the entire school, just happens to catch a glimpse of Dan Howell's
     wrist and sees that he dies that day?
***** Hypocrite take your pick *****
Chapter Notes
     A little something for you guys to read while I work on more
     chapters.
     I guess you could call this Dan's background.
     And uhm, *cough cough* trigger warning for death and drugs
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Dan's earliest memory was one of his parents fighting. He was just a little
kid, maybe no older than five. It was late at night, and he'd been having a
nightmare. There was a monster chasing him. A big one. One that loomed over
him, ginormous and threatening. Its body was long and scorched black, pieces of
flesh peeling in certain areas. It was quick and steady on its feet, and
everything that it touched, everything that it left behind in its path was on
fire. Dan was being chased through a dark wood, one that was similar to the
dense forest outside his home. He ran and ran, as fast as his small legs could
take him. His feet were aching, and it felt as if the monster had reached
inside of him and grasped his own two lungs, setting them alight.
The leaves crunched under his feet. Twigs snapped in two as he stomped through
the forest, branches smacked him in the face as he flew past them, and small
rocks and sharp pebbles dug into the soles of his feet he ran, ran, ran. He
prayed internally that a small animal would take his place. That the monster's
attention would be diverted by a rabbit or a deer, and that he could escape. He
just wanted it to stop. He wanted to be free.
But somehow, deep inside, he already knew that he was alone. That in the
entirety of the forest, there was not one other single living creature other
than him, and the monster that wished to kill him. He was alone.
So he kept running. He kept running, sprinting as far and long as he could. But
his luck, if it even existed in the first place, finally gave way, and his foot
caught on a hidden root from one of the nearby trees. It was then that the
monster had caught up to Dan, and instead of picking him up and devouring him
like the monsters in the many other stories he'd read, ran past him, and left
him behind much like it had the rest of the forest.
And suddenly, Dan was being engulfed in flames, high and wide and scorching.
The pain was unbearable. He'd been told that you weren't supposed to feel pain
in dreams. Of course, once again, everybody had lied to him.
He woke up in a sweat, his eyes shooting open, his breathing irregular, his
heart beating out of his chest. He felt frozen in the spot he laid in, even if
it was only for a few moments. But he was scared. What if the monster came back
in real life? What if it set his own home alight?
His young, imaginative mind raced as he shot up from the bed, threw his Winny
The Pooh covers back and ran out into the hallway. There were two other doors
in the hall. One that leads to his baby brother, Andrew's, room, and one to his
parent's room. The door to his brother's room down the hall was open, as were
his parent's, but the lights were off in all of them. Instead, he could see the
lights on downstairs, coming from what he guessed was the kitchen.
He made his way to the stairs, and started down them slowly, being extra
careful to not make a sound. He heard his parents' voices coming from the
bottom of the stairs. Their tones were sharp, hushed, and angry. As Dan
descended the stairs even further, their voices grew a little in amplitude, by
not by much. And once he was finally three-fourths the way down the stairs, his
parents finally came into view. His father was throwing his hands around like
mad, and he grasping a bunch of letters in his hands that Dan assumed to be
bills, whilst his mother stood there, glaring down his father, her hands
twisted in her long dirty-blonde hair.
"We're drowning in these, Marie! But you can't be bothered to care, can you?
You're so fucking out of it that you don't even care anymore!" His father
raged, picking up another bill from the counter and throwing it at his wife.
"No, no, you're wrong. I do care-!" His mother shot back, only to be
interrupted by her husband once again.
"Well, you sure have a great way of showing it! You seriously think getting
high out of your mind is a way to show that you care? It only shows that you
can't even give a shit to be lucid enough to pay attention to real life
anymore! We have kids to take care of!"
"Don't you think I know that? I'm the one who carried them! How the fuck could
you believe for even one second that I don't care about them? I love them more
than anything else, I want what's good for them as much as you do!"
"Oh really? Well, how the hell are they supposed to get through college if I'm
the only working? If I can barely afford to pay the bills and put food on the
table every night? You say you care so much, but you don't. Fucking. Do.
ANYTHING!" That was the first loud voice Dan heard that night. The first time
either of his parents raised their voices.
"Mark, keep your voice down! Dan's asleep, and so is the baby! You don't have
to go and wake them up!" Dan's mother hissed, finally removing her hands from
her scalp and using them to push his father backward a couple of steps.
"Oh no, oh don't you fucking start! You think you can tell me what to do? You
get a say once you're not high as a fucking kite! Tell me, are you high right
now?" His father seethed.
Silence followed.
"I knew it..." His father muttered, lowering his head. "Two choices, Marie. You
can have me, and the kids or you can have the coke and the heroin if that's
what you're so fond of these days. I don't want the kids growing up in a drug
den. Two choices, Marie. Two. What will it be?"
It went quiet for several seconds. Then the seconds started turning into
minutes. And finally, Dan's father spoke up once again.
"You fucking bitch..." He started, and then Dan's mother burst into tears.
And that's the moment Dan decided to reveal himself. He didn't understand what
was going on, really, but he knew his mother was upset, and he wanted to
comfort her. The big strong woman in his life that chased away all the
monsters.
He ran out from his hiding spot on the stairs, and dashed into the kitchen
where his parents were standing, and wrapped his arms around his mother's leg,
letting her know that he was there. Letting her know that he still loved her.
She, along with his father, seemed shocked to see Dan appear out of nowhere.
And their conversation ceased, and Dan's mum wrapped her arms around her small
little boy, letting him know that everything would be okay. That she was okay.
That his parent's relationship was okay.
But in reality, it wasn't. But Dan didn't like sad stories. So he fell for the
story in which his family lived a happy ever after, tucked away in a small
cottage in a small village in the large countryside.
And after a few minutes passed, his mother and father both individually
reassuring Dan, Dan let go of his mother's leg. And in turn, his mother turned
around and reached behind her, grabbed an envelope, and knelt down beside the
small boy. She pulled him into a hug, and handed him the envelope, smiling at
him all the while.
Dan excitedly opened the envelope, and inside there was a small, Shiba Inu
plushie keychain. He let a small squeal of happiness and turned around to hug
his mum. She smiled down at him while he repeatedly voiced his thanks for the
gift. He hugged the plush dog close to his chest as both his mum and dad walked
him back upstairs and tucked him back into bed.
In that moment, everything was okay.
The next morning, his whole world fell apart.
He woke up to screaming. Loud, shrill cries that rang in his ears, accompanied
by another, louder high pitched scream that filled the whole house. His vision
was foggy and his lungs ached, and it was almost impossible to breathe. A thick
smoke filled the air, along with a strong, unbearable heat. He started coughing
and cried out for somebody, anybody to help him. It took only a few moments for
his dad to come bursting into the room, already carrying his crying baby
brother in his arms, and picked up Dan as well, racing out the house with both
of them over his shoulders. Dan's father ran out into the yard and over to
their family car, where he dropped both Dan and Andrew in the back seat before
taking a seat at the wheel. He put the key in the ignition, started the engine,
and the three of them were out of the driveway in a flash. It took Dan several
minutes to calm down, get his lungs working again, and take in his bearings
before his mind finally took in the situation.
"Dad, where's mum?" He whimpered, his voice catching in his throat.
Silence.
That was Dan's oldest memory. The time where the demon from his dreams came to
life and left a scorched path in its wake.
The time where his mother fell victim to one of the world's many, many demons.
Chapter End Notes
     <3
***** Believe me i'm fine... i'm so very far from fine *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Fall Away
Chapter 1
There seemed to be a certain gloominess that hung in the air that monday. Dan
realised that the second he woke up, and knew that today was going to be worse
than usual. He got up, put on his usual attire that consisted of a black
hoodie, black skinny trousers, and some beat up dark grey vans. Looking at the
clock, he noticed he was already late for school, as class had already started
a half hour ago, and decided to take the extra time to straighten his brown
hair since it wouldn't matter that he would be even more late anyways.
He skipped breakfast, because one, he had barely had any food anyway, and two,
he needed to save money for this month's rent. Also he just wasn't hungry. As
he has passed the mirror on his way out, he stopped for a moment and took in
the sight of himself. He had but deep bags under his dull brown eyes, his
clothes were loose, and his cheeks were sunken. Sighing, he left his small
flat, and put his earbuds in as he started on his semi-long walk to school, and
about halfway there his earlier suspicions were confirmed as it started
raining.
"Damn it," he muttered as he started walking faster. He made it to his school
after another fifteen minutes of walking, and by the time he made it through
the doors and into the office he was soaked.
The office assistant looked up as she noticed his presence, and a look pity
fell upon her features, which Dan absolutely loathed. He mentally rolled his
eyes as she handed him a green late slip, and he walked out of the office and
to his second class, math, which just so happened to be on the other side of
the school.
He took a quick glance down at the tattoo on his wrist. Everyone had their own,
each unique in their own little ways, but Dan couldn't help but think how
fitting the words of his happened to be.
Suicide.
It was just one word. It seemed so simple, Dan thought to himself as he
continued walking. But the thing was, it wasn't just something simple. That
word described everything Dan's shitty life had been leading up to. And though
he knew there was a date accompanying the word, he couldn't see it. But how he
wished that mystery day would come already.
|-/\-|
Maybe the day wouldn't be as bad as he had originally thought, Dan mused to
himself sarcastically as he walked into his second class right as the bell
rang. His seat was taken by none other than the king of the school himself,
Charlie Skies, who just also happened to dedicate himself to being Dan's
personal bully.
Taking a deep breath, Dan walked over to the last open seat which coincidently,
just happened to be right  next to Charlie.
Dan took his notebook out of his bag, along with a pencil, and stared off into
space out as the teacher started rambling, thinking of new things to draw.
About five minutes into the class, the first waded up note came from Charlie
and landed on Dan's desk, breaking him out of the little trance he'd slipped
into. He opened up the note, the words "fucking sissy" written in big, bold
letters.
Sighing, he wadded  the paper back into a small little ball and rested it on
the corner of his desk, making a mental note to trash it later.
A few minutes later, another wadded paper ball landed on Dan's desk. Then
another, and another, until there were at least ten. Dan ignored them all, only
giving them minimal attention when he had to brush one off his notebook.
Dan thought the mini onslaught of notes was finally over after Charlie had
stopped for about ten minutes, but of course, he was wrong. Suddenly, he was
hit on the side of his head with an extra big wad of paper, and for some
reason, it was in that moment that his mind decided to snap.
"Would you please stop!" Dan said angrily, quickly turning to face Charlie, and
as a result also drawing the attention of several people.
"Mr. Howell!" The teacher barked, upset at the interruption. "Please do not
disturb the class again or I'll see you in detention tomorrow."
"Yes, sir..." Dan replied quietly, lowering his head to the desk. He took a
quick side glance at Charlie, only to see him shrug and smirk.
Oh this was going to be a long day.
|-/\-|
Once the bell finally rang, Dan made a quick dash out the door, all of his
stuff already in his backpack save for his notebook. He made it about ten steps
out the door before he heard another person following directly behind him.
He sped up, his panic rising a little, but in the end it turned out he wasn't
fast enough as he got shoved sideways into the lockers. He felt something pop
in his shoulder, and as he fell he also dropped his notebook, which landed a
couple feet away from him.
"Hey faggot," a voice that undoubtedly belonged to Charlie snarled as he was
yanked up by the collar of his shirt and shoved back into the lockers, this
time being held upright.
"That was cute, you bursting out in class," Charlie said, his voice taking on a
sickeningly sweet tone. He took a handful of Dan's hair, pulling him forward
before shoving him back into the lockers again. "Actually it was pretty funny
seeing you get in trouble with the teacher for what, the third time this week?"
This time Charlie opted to take his hand that wasn't viciously holding Dan's
head back and punched Dan in the gut.
Dan felt the wind get knocked out of him, and his body wanted to double over
but couldn't because of Charlie's hold on his hair. Instead his arms went
flying to hold his stomach, which was comfort enough at this point to Dan.
Dan tried to catch his breath as Charlie leaned in close next to ear. His eyes
darted around the hallway, desperately looking for someone to help him, but
everyone just continued to walk past them as if nothing was happening.
"Why are you still here?" Charlie whispered, before breaking Dan's arms away
and kneeing him in the stomach. "You not doing anyone any favours, I mean
seriously, you're just a massive burden on everyone here." A kick to the shin.
"Face it Howell, you're just a waste of space."
Dan's head was smashed into the lockers once again, and his vision darkened
over for a couple seconds before everything came back into focus a little
blurry. He mentally swore that the lockers had to be made of titanium if there
wasn't at least a small dent in them from that.
He was pulled forward one last time by his hair, before he was kicked in the
stomach and thrown to the ground like a rag doll. Dan curled in on himself, and
watched as Charlie picked up his notebook from the ground. He held just above
Dan, taunting him.
"I think I'm going to have a look through this, and I'll get back to you at
lunch." Charlie smirked as he walked off, the bell ringing at the same time.
Fuck, Dan thought as Charlie disappeared with his notebook, leaving him there. 
Once Dan was finally able to get back on his feet he grabbed his backpack,
slung it over his shoulder, and made a quick dash for the bathroom. Luckily
they were empty, and Dan rushed into the stall farthest from the entrance of
the bathroom. He locked the stall door, and dropped his backpack onto the
floor. He closed the toilet lid and sat down on it, reaching into his bag and
taking his earbuds out. He put them on and plugged them into his phone, and
started playing the first playlist that showed up. As soon as the music started
playing Dan felt better, but he still felt that annoying little urge poking at
him.
Reaching back into his bag with his left hand, he pulled out a pocket lighter,
and flicked the cap open. Flames burst to life with the small motion, and he
smiled as he watched the small flame dance. He rolled up the sleeve of his
right arm and slowly lowered the lighter to his skin, the pain nothing to the
rush he felt as the flame burned him.
This was what made Dan feel like everything was fine for once.
|-/\-|
Chapter End Notes
     Feedback always appreciated! Hope you guys enjoyed!
***** We're broken, oh, we're broken people *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Screen
Chapter 2
Dan waited until the bell rang for break, which was about thirty minutes later,
before packing away his earbuds and his lighter. He unlocked the door of his
stall and went to leave the bathroom, but as he reached for the handle of the
door, the door flew open and ended up hitting Dan in the head, which caused the
pain Charlie had managed to inflict earlier to spark up once again.
He fell ungracefully to the floor, landing on his butt. He rubbed his head as
the person who knocked him down quickly knelt down beside him, asking if he was
okay as the door closed behind them. Dan looked up to only to see Phil Lester,
the only boy just as, if not more, popular than Charlie. In fact, the blue-
eyed and black-haired boy was Charlie's boyfriend, which along with his peppy
attitude and contagious smile was probably why he was so popular.
It was then that Dan realised he hadn't said anything yet, and responded with a
quick "I'm fine" before attempting to push himself up. Phil stood up as well,
and as Dan tried to take a step away he started falling again. But this time,
Phil caught him before he could make contact once again with the floor.
"Yeah, um no offence but you don't seem fine," Phil laughed, helping Dan get
steady on his feet.
"Well is anybody?" Dan spoke before he could even process his words. He looked
away from Phil as he felt the other boy's gaze on him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, just forget it," Dan muttered, as he tried to leave, but he was
stopped by Phil grabbing the sleeve of his hoodie.
"But I want to know," Phil asked. Dan turned to look at him, only to be met by
the gaze of two curious blue eyes.
Sighing, Dan shrugged out Phil's grasp, and turned around completely to face to
other boy. He concentrated for a moment, trying to string together the right
words to properly explain what he wanted.
"Is anybody really ever 'fine?'" He decided to say.
"Um, well yeah, most people?" Phil answered, confused.
Dan looked at the boy with a sad smile. "Really?"
"Yes?"
This drew a small laugh out of Dan. "Oh Phil," he sighed. "No."
With that, Dan turned and finally left the bathroom, leaving Phil.
|-/\-|
(These next parts deserve a massive trigger- I'm sorry. Stay alive please,
you're worth it
Dan was able to make it to fourth period, and by some miracle, fifth as well.
As the bell rang at the end of fifth period for lunch, Dan took his time and
made his way through the crowds, intending to go to the theatre where he
usually spent his lunches, but as he was walking he suddenly felt a hand wrap
around his throat and another fist collide with his side.
He was thrown to the ground, and soon after there was a foot resting on the
small of his back.
"So," Charlie began, "I took a look through your little book, and let's just
say, I wasn't impressed."
Shit, Dan thought.
Charlie lifted his foot and stomped it back down on Dan's back, causing a small
cry to rise from Dan. "I saw all of your little drawings," Charlie stated,
lifting his foot and kicking Dan's side. "All of your little poems." Another
kick. "Little rants or whatever." A harder kick. "But what interested me the
most, though, Howell, was the drawing you did of my boyfriend, Phil."
What? Dan thought. He couldn't remember ever drawing Phil. The first time he'd
ever talked to the boy was back in the bathroom, but Charlie didn't have to
know that. Speaking of which, Charlie leaned down far enough so that he could
hold a paper out in front of Dan. On the paper, of course just happened to be a
perfectly sketched picture of Phil.
It was then that Dan remembered. He had drawn that during his first week of
freshamn year. He'd seen Phil in the hallway, and for some reason decided to
draw him.
He saw Charlie smirk as the recognition dawned on his face. "Little sissy,"
Charlie uttered. The next thing Dan knew Charlie was standing once again and
there was a foot coming down on Dan's back. He was being turned over as Charlie
straddled him, and landed punch after punch on his chest, face, arms- pretty
much everywhere. By the time Charlie was done, Dan could blood in his mouth and
he was having a hard time opening his right eye fully. He also couldn't feel
his right arm, and was pretty sure he had at least a couple broken ribs.
Through his blurry vision, he could see Charlie smirking, before he felt
himself being lifted up and onto Charlie's shoulder and was being dragged
somewhere. Dan could hear the sound of a door being opened as he was brought
into a new room, and was thrown against a wall. He felt his pants being torn
off, and thought he heard Charlie whispering something, before he felt a new
kind of pain he'd never imagined.
|-/\-|
Dan woke up to the sound of the bell ringing, and the first thing he felt was
the splitting headache. The next was the rest of the pain that completely
consumed his body. He could only open his right eye half way, and couldn't feel
parts of his right arm. He was having a slightly hard time breathing.
Using his left arm, Dan tried to push himself off the floor, and barely managed
to keep himself upright by grabbing the sink. The he realised his pants weren't
pulled up, and that's when the presence of dried blood and cum became
noticeable. Dan let out a small cry, and reached to pull up his pants.
After that he cleaned himself off to the best of his ability, washing away any
visible blood and heavily scrubbing . Then he made the mistake of looking in
the mirror. Unlike that morning, when Dan could just casually look in the
mirror and feel nothing, this time he felt hate. He hated himself; he hated his
clothes, his hair, his face, his eyes, his shoulders, his height, his
weight, his sexuality, his personality, everything. He hated himself to the
very core. This time looking in the mirror, he felt hate. He felt disgust.
Suicide, Dan thought. That was how he was going to die. And at this point, it
didn't seem all that bad. He could finally leave. He could be free, free from
the pain, the sorrow, the hate. He could be free from his mind. His demons.
Dan reached down into his bag, and pulled out his iPod, looking at the time and
seeing it was halfway through sixth period. Art. Art was Dan's sixth period. A
perfect way to end my last shitty day at school, Dan decided. Art was his
comfort.
He put his iPod away in his bag, slung his bag over his shoulder, and made his
way to sixth period.
|-/\-|
After Dan gave a quick excuse to the about why he was late, Dan grabbed his
canvas from the cupboard where everyone kept their "works in progress" and made
his way to take a seat in the very back corner of the room. The picture Dan had
drawn on the canvas was of boy with headphones on, and the head was smeared
slightly to give the impression of a person with no face, or a blurry face. He
had done the entire drawing with charcoal.
He took out his charcoal pencils to add the finishing touches to the drawing.
Only couple minutes later, Dan heard the sound of a chair scraping against the
floor next to him, and looked to his side, only to see that the one and only
Phil Lester was now occupying the previously vacant seat next to him.
"We never got to finish our chat earlier," Phil stated, giving a small smile.
"You kind of, um, walked out..."
Dan nodded, and replied "Guess I did. Sorry."
"So what did you mean? Nobody's ever 'fine?'"
"It's hard to explain, Phil. Or at least, to people like you. I'm sorry."
"But why? What more is there to it? I want to understand, please? And what do
you mean 'people like me?'"
Sighing, Dan disregarded his canvas, and turned so that he was once again
completely facing Phil. "People like you," he began, "People who seem to have
the best lives anyone could ever be living. People who constantly radiate
happiness. People like you. It's hard to explain, because you usually
don't feel sadness, unless it's something like your fish just died. But then,
there's others. Everyone else. People who have a deep feeling a sadness, of
self hatred, and everything of the like. Everyone else. In that case, nobody's
ever really completely and truly 'fine.'" Dan ranted.
Phil sat there, looking stunned. Because of which part of Dan's little mini
rant/speech, Dan had no clue. He sat patiently, waiting as the other boy
absorbed all of the information. Finally, Phil started nodding minutely, and
Dan took it as Phil understood. But as the other boy still stared off into
space, Dan joking waved his left hand in front of Phil's face as a gesture to
get the other boy's attention. He did, and he saw a smile play upon Phil's. But
as he did so, his sleeve rolled up just slightly, and he just noticed Phil's
attention shift to his wrist, eyes widening and Dan realised Phil was looking
at his tattoo.
Dan quickly yanked his arm away, rolling his sleeve back down. He quickly
gathered his things, putting them away, and as the bell rang Dan jumped up from
his seat nd made his way out of the school.
|-/\-|
This was it.
It was all going to end.
All the pain, all the hurt, all the hatred...
He wouldn't have to deal with anymore.
Everything was running through Dan's head all at once, everything that had been
leading up to this. And the one thing that kept plaguing his mind was his image
in the bathroom mirror earlier.
He could've sworn he heard footsteps following him, but Dan paid them no mind
as he continued walking. Instead of taking the route he normally used to go
back to his flat, Dan took the path that would lead to the bridge.
Chapter End Notes
     Stay alive guys and gals, you're all amazing and deserve the best
     that life can give, never forget that <3
     If anyone ever needs to talk about /anything/, just leave a comment
     or shoot me a pm on Wattpad (@ToxicEssence) and I promise to listen
     and keep an open mind. Love you all!
     As always, hope you enjoyed and feedback is appreciated! (Even though
     this chapter was kind of chaotic)
***** What kids are doing they're killing themselves *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Fake You Out
Chapter 3
The sun was close to setting by the time Dan made it to the bridge. For the
entirety of the walk, Dan felt numb. Even the pain he had felt earlier somehow
seemed to vanish. Dan felt as if he was floating, like the whole world was
falling away from underneath him and he was the only one in existence.
Oh how much better Dan's life would be if that was real.
He looked up at the just now appearing stars that started painting the sky,
along with the long streaks of orange, red, and golden hues. He looked out at
the river that ran under the bridge, the water of the river seemingly stealing
the colours from the sky and entrapping them within the rough currents of the
waves.
Sighing, Dan hoisted himself and sat down on the ledge of the bridge, setting
his backpack down next to him. Reaching into his backpack, Dan pulled out his
trusty lighter. There with him in the beginning, and now the end, Dan thought.
He flipped the cap open and watched as the little flame burst to life for what
he presumed to be the very last time.
Unnoticed tears streamed down Dan's cheeks as he lifted the lighter to the
middle of his vision, holding it above the river and watching as it became more
contrasted against the quickly darkening sky. With a strangled cry and a shaky
hand, Dan closed the cap of the lighter, the flame that was there just moments
ago becoming nonexistent.
He packed away his lighter once more, and set his backpack down carefully on
the inside of the bridge, making sure it wouldn't fall. Once he was sure his
bag was secure, Dan stood back up on the ledge, his footing unsteady as he was
shaking.
As he took one last look over what would soon be his grave, Dan finally became
of the tears falling full force from his eyes. Letting out a small sob, Dan
took one step forward. Then another, and another, and finally he was on the
very edge. One foot hanging off, and now all Dan needed was to let go.
Taking in a long deep breath, Dan completely cleared his mind, and let go.
That was it.
That was all it took to end his pain.
He would finally be free.
But then a hand grabbed his arm, and yanked him back into the chest of the
person who had "saved" him.
"Please, don't go."
|-/\-|
Dan froze, his entire body seemingly just shutting down. He was so close. He
was there. How much of a fuck up could be to the point where he couldn't even
kill himself properly.
He couldn't even die right.
"How are you feeling?" The man who'd brought Dan down from the bridge asked.
Dan knew that voice. To hell if he didn't.
Slowly, Dan turned around to face the person who was still holding Dan in their
arms.
He saw the bright blue eyes first. Then the mop of black hair, and then the
strangely styled button up and black jeans and holy shit.
Phil. Phil fucking Lester had been the one who had saved Dan.
Looking into the concerned eyes of Phil, everything came rushing back. The
hurt, the trauma, the pain- both physical and mental. And oh boy was the pain
something new.
Letting loose a scream, Dan fell to his knees. The pain consumed him, wrapped
around his conscience like a chain link, making it the only thing he could
feel.
He realized he was still screaming, and through his fog of pain and confusion
Dan could've sworn he could hear Phil panicking, could feel hands grabbing at
him and shaking him
and holding him before his world went dark.
Finally, the pain subsided a little, the numbness from before retaking control
over him.
Once again, he was floating.
And only then, was he free from the world.
|-/\-|
Chapter End Notes
     Oops. But no really, stay safe guys and gals.
     Also, "He couldn't even die right."
     Sound familiar? *Cough* Castiel *Cough*
     K I'll be leaving now.
***** My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal headcase *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Addict With a Pen
Chapter 4
He was dead, damn it.
So why the hell was he still feeling the same pain he'd felt before?
Of course, it was duller now, but still. He was definitely still in pain.
As he started waking up and became more and more aware of his surroundings, he
realised that he was lying down on something soft, and comfortable. A bed, he
deduced. But it definitely wasn't his. Dan's bed was hard, and cold, and most
definitely not as comfortable as the one he lay upon currently.
After about another minute, he could start hearing voices whispering from
somewhere.
Then he opened his eyes. Groaning, he lay still while letting his eyes adjust
to the sudden brightness, and moved his gaze around the room, taking in his
surroundings completely. As he started to remember the events that had taken
place prior to him waking up, just by looking around, Dan had inkling as to who
this room belonged to. Dan took a (not so) wild guess and presumed that it was
Phil's room.
Other than that, brightness of the room just so happened to be the first thing
Dan noticed. And no, not just brightness as in there was a lot of light.
Brightness in terms of the colour and décor (and yes the lights as they were
actually pretty bright too.) The room just seemed to radiate this type of happy
aura. The blanket of the bed he was laying on was designed with a blue-green
checkered pattern, while the walls were painted white. At least, the parts of
the walls that were visible. Every other inch of said walls were covered in
posters of bands, games, and movies. There were little knick knacks that lined
the bookcases and shelves in the room as well, like little plushies or Pop!
anime figures.
To be honest, it looked like the room Dan would've dreamed of having as a kid,
but a complete contrast to his actual room now back in his apartment. His room
had the bare minimum. A bed, a nightstand, a broken lamp, his alarm clock and a
practically empty small bookshelf. Also, the walls were painted black.
Taking one last look around the room, Dan noted that there was a full length
glass door to his right that seemed to lead out to a balcony (from which he
could most likely escape if needed) and that most of the light in the room was
coming from a bed side lamp to his left, as the sun had already gone down
outside the window.
Then he realised that the voices he'd heard earlier were still talking, a
seeming little louder now that Dan was fully awake. They seemed to be coming
from behind the closed door on Dan's left side, about seven feet from the bed.
Slowly, Dan slid out of bed, mindful of his injuries and not wanting cause
himself more pain. With a slight limp, he walked over to the door, putting his
ear against it and listening in to what the people outside were saying. One was
Phil's voice (which made Dan pretty confident about  his guess of who the room
belonged to) and the other voice, upon listening in, Dan had found out was
Phil's mum.
"Look sweetie, I know you like to help others, but don't you think it'd be
better if we just brought the poor boy to the hospital? It'd help him more than
keeping him here. Plus we don't how to care for him, the hospital would."
Phil's mum explained. Dan supposed that they had been discussing the same thing
for while based on Ms. Lester's tired sounding voice.
"But mum, you don't understand. His tattoo says that he's supposed to die
today! And I found him on the side of a bridge! He looked like he was about
ready to jump..."
This caught Dan off guard. That was supposed to be it. He was meant to jump,
and he almost made it. He'd been so close. It wasn't his fate to be saved, to
commit suicide some other day- no, he was meant to die that day. And so far, he
hadn't.
"Okay sweetie, I get it. But you know that we shouldn't be peeking on others
tattoos in the first place..."
"It was an accident mum! He was waving his hand in front of my face and his
sleeve rolled down. You know I'm too curious to not look." Phil whined, too
which he heard Phil's mum sigh.
"Okay, Phil. He can stay here for the night. But why are you so insistent on
not taking him to hospital?"
"He's supposed to die tonight! What if we get into a car crash? What if an
officer thinks we're trying to kidnap him, and they try to shoot the car to
make it stop, but accidentally shoot him instead? What if while we're walking
through the parking lot, a tree falls and hits him? What if he gets attacked by
a squirrel? If the, um... what if he's on a high floor and is trying to look
out the window but accidentally falls out? What if a doctor trips and stabs him
accidentally? What if-"
"Okay, Phil, I get it. He could die by whatever means that-"
"What if he accidentally ends up spraying his eyes with a poisonous deodorant?
Or if the nurses accidentally transport him to the Bahamas and the plane
crashes because an engine failed? What-"
(a/n- ^too true)
"Philip!"
"Sorry mum."
"It's okay. Now, why don't you go check up on him? He should be waking up some
time soon."
Before Dan had a chance to react, the door was flung open and he was thrown to
the ground, landing on his bum with his hands behind him to cushion his fall.
"Philip!" Ms. Lester screeched from where she was still standing in the
hallway.
"Oh my goodness Dan! I'm so sorry!"
And a few seconds later, Dan blacked out once again.
|-/\-|
Chapter End Notes
     Hey! I'm sorry for the long wait for the chapter, got caught up in
     finals (kill me I still have more to take.)
     I don't know how to describe this chapter other than: idk
     I feel like it was all over the place, like feels with Dan realising
     he's supposed to be dead and humour with Phil coming up with a
     million different scenarios of how Dan could die.
     Also rip danisnotonfire
     It was funny how in Daniel's Bahamas disaster video he was like "I
     didn't think this through"
     Also, you all ready for some more Supernatural references in the next
     chapter?
***** Rain falls from you, can you wash me? can you drown me? *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Drown (Tyler Joseph)
After Dan woke up for the second time, it was past midnight. It was past
midnight. Which meant, Dan had survived the day he was supposed to die. Which
was completely unheard of. You'd never walk down the street and hear someone
tell another person that they had, in fact, survived their doomsday. Nor did
you hear of anyone celebrating their survival.
This was because there was usually no survival, and no celebration to be held.
Only a funeral to be planned.
The closest you could get to finding someone who survived the date that they
were born with were people known as Backwards. They were people who could see
the date they were supposed to die on, but not how they die, and the reason
they were called Backwards was because it was quite rare as it was the opposite
of what most others had as their tattoo. Dan couldn't even think of someone who
went to their school that was a Backwards. And since the whole ordeal of
tattoos was already relatively taboo, being a Backwards was not something that
was taken lightly or joked about. Even out of everything Charlie had taunted
Dan with, he'd never called :Dan a Backwards.
But that's the thing. Dan wasn't a Backwards. He could only see how he was
supposed to die. Not the date. He was normal in the sense of tattoos. So he
didn't understand why he hadn't died. Unless...
Dan was broken out of his thoughts by Phil entering the room with a bowl of
chicken broth soup in his hands. He handed the bowl to Dan, along with a spoon,
and took a seat next to Dan on the bed. Dan muttered a quiet "Thank you" as he
took both items and began eating the soup slowly.
It was quiet for a few minutes, the only sound being Dan eating, before Phil
broke the silence between the two.
"Why?" He asked simply, turning his body so that he was sitting cross-legged on
the bed while facing Dan.
Dan swallowed a mouthful of soup before responding "Why what?"
"Why were you going to jump?"
"I don't know."
"Were you trying to jump?"
"I don't know."
"What would you have done if you did jump?"
"Died probably. I bet you would have too." Dan answered, continuing to eat the
soup.
It was silent again, and this time Dan started to disappear into his thoughts,
all the while mindlessly eating. He started to wonder why as well. But he was
questioning something else. He was wondering why Phil, fucking Phil Lester had
saved him, out of all people. Of course Phil was known for being a literal
walking ball of sunshine, but he had chosen to talk to Dan. The person Phil's
own boyfriend had dedicated himself to torturing throughout high school. He had
chosen to save Dan from the ledge of that bridge, and now Dan couldn't help but
wonder "why?"
And then Dan's thoughts drifted back to the bridge.
He remembered how the sky and river seemed to just mold together, how it seemed
that the river was holding the sky captive. He could barely tell where the
river stopped and the sky began.
He remembered the flame of his lighter, and how it seemed to be the only
guiding light Dan had in that moment. It was the only thing that made him feel
alive, and boy could he use it right now. Maybe he could he leave the world if
he set his mind on fire...
"Dan? Dan, are you okay?"
Dan whipped his around to face Phil, broken out of his thoughts once again. The
older boy was looking at Dan with concern in his eyes. Dan didn't realise that
a few tears had escaped his eyes until Phil reached a hand out and brushed a
couple away.
"Dan?" Phil asked again.
Dan looked away, lowering his head to look into his now half-empty soup bowl.
He picked the spoon up again, continuing to eat, glad that it was still a bit
warm.
"Hey, Dan, come on, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong," Phil insisted.
"It's fine, Phil. I'm fine. It doesn't matter anyway." Dan told the blue-eyed
boy sitting next to him.
"You're crying."
"So?"
"Clearly, you're not okay. You're not 'fine.'"
"Oh but I am Philip." Dan chuckled a little, before shoving another spoonful of
soup into his mouth.
Phil sighed, finally giving up. Instead, he asked something different.
"So Daniel, what things interest you?"
"Hmm?" Dan mumbled over his mouthful of soup. Phil smiled at this.
"What interests you? You know, music, movies, video games?" Phil elaborated.
"Oh, um... I'm not really sure. I've never really had the time or money in my
life to be able to enjoy those things that much..." Dan said quietly, finishing
up the last of his soup
before setting the now empty bowl aside with the spoon in it.
"Oh? Why don't you have the time? Too much homework?"
"I wish. I actually have to work a job at the coffee shop, and then on top of
that I also have my homework. Also I don't really have money to spend on things
that aren't essentials..." Dan spoke
quietly, thinking of how normal this was to him. It probably seemed absurd to
Phil, and at this point Dan was questioning whether or not the other would
actually believe him.
"What about your parents? Don't they supply money as well?"
"What's your favourite song?" Dan asked, quickly changing subject. He'd never
talked about his parents to anyone. He refused to. And at this point, he was
mentally hitting himself for already telling Phil so much. He'd just blindly
trusted the boy, and that wasn't good. It never was.
"Excuse me?" Phil inquired, taken aback slightly by the sudden change of topic.
"Your favourite song? Or favourite band?"
"Oh, um... Well my favourite band is Muse, and my favourite song is Sail by
AWOLNATION."
"Seriously? I love Muse too! But my favourite song has to be Can't Help Falling
In Love by Elvis."
"Really? That's cool, I can dig Elvis." Phil replied, admiring how the sad
brown eyes of the younger boy that sat next to him lit up when he said that.
(a/n I'm sorry)
"So um, I guess I should go home now?" Dan asked quietly.
"Wait, what?" Phil was surprised at the younger's words.
"Well, I mean, it's really late, and I don't want to have to be a bother any
longer than I already have been..."
Just as Dan finished his sentence, a loud clap of thunder roared outside,
illuminating the full length window of Phil's room. Dan jumped slightly, to
which Phil took notice. Another clap of thunder, this one a bit louder, and the
light that came with it showed that it was starting to rain outside.
"Well, looks like you can't leave now. It's raining." Phil stated triumphantly.
"Yeah... God's crying now..." Dan whispered inaudibly. He was probably crying
because he didn't get to see Dan's soul off to hell. "No, it's fine. I really
should get going," Dan continued, getting off the bed and standing up.
Phil stood up as well, looking dumbfounded. "Dan, are you deaf? I just said
it's raining!"
"And I said I should get going. I really don't want to be a bother. And you
know, you have a boyfriend... isn't this a little weird for you, having another
boy in here?" Dan questioned,
hoping to persuade Phil to let him go. He walked to the door and grabbed his
backpack (which Phil had graciously carried back to his house along with Dan
after the incident at the bridge.)
"No, not all. You're my friend, so it just feels normal."
"I'm your friend?"
"Yes! Of course! Of course you're my friend, Dan! Why would you think
otherwise?" Being quite honest, Phil looked like a kicked puppy whose eyes were
unnaturally large and about to pop out of their head. He just had that look on
his face while saying this.
"Oh Phil..." Dan sighed. "We've only known each other for a day."
"So?"
"So, how can you even trust me? You just blindly brought me back to your house
without even considering that I could've been, I don't know, some psycho
murderer?"
"If you're a murderer, than kill me. Right here, right now." Phil demanded.
Dan whipped around, staring at the boy like he was crazy.
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
Dan just stood there, too shocked to respond or do anything other than stare.
"See? I'm still alive, aren't I?" Phil walked up to Dan, and grabbed Dan's
hand. Phil placed Dan's hand over his heart, to show Dan he was, in fact, still
alive. "Can you feel that? It's my heart, and it's beating normally. I'm alive.
I trust you."
Phil then moved their hands so that they were on Dan's chest, over Dan's heart.
"That's your heart. It's beating. You're alive. Do you trust me?"
Dan stared at the blue-eyed boy in front of him. If he was being honest, Dan
wanted to. He wanted to trust this boy. But here's the thing: he wasn't being
honest. Because he couldn't be. Life had taught him that trust existed only in
the flames of his lighter; not in people.
Finally, Dan spoke.
"Not everything's that black and white, Phil. Some things are black and blue."
Phil's face dropped. "What?" he whispered.
"I'm sorry. Thank you Phil."
And then Dan ran.
|-/\-|
Chapter End Notes
     Aw.
     Twist and shout.
***** Down in the forest *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Forest
(Trigger, trigger, triggers...)
Five blocks away from Phil's house was when Dan realised he'd fucked up.
He had stopped for a minute to catch his breath, and with a quick glance around
at his surroundings, Dan registered that he didn't recognise any of them. he
had just passed through a neighborhood that he didn't know, and now was sat in
front of a forest. He was lost. On top of that, he realised that he was also
soaked down to his very core. His clothes were sticking to him and his hair
fell across his face. His shoes were full of water and would most likely take
days to dry.
Dan had no idea where his house was. He had no idea where he was. He was cold,
and tired, and couldn't tell if the water that slid down his face was his tears
or the rain. So what did he do? He kept walking. He walked into the forest,
glad that the shelter of the trees lessened the amount of rain that fell on
him.
Maybe Phil was wrong. Maybe he had mistaken the date on Dan's wrist for January
10 instead of January 11. Maybe Dan would be dead by morning. Maybe his suicide
would be running away from everyone, and subjecting himself to a cold, stormy
night in the forest.
After walking for about a half hour, Dan reached a clearing in the trees. It
was an interesting place. The trees cleared out in a circle, while there was
one giant tree in the middle. In the middle of said tree, there was a
treehouse. Dan stepped out into the clearing and looked up. He saw only
darkness above him, and the rain started to create more makeshift tears on his
cheeks again.
And again, Dan created tears of his own.
And again, he screamed. He screamed at the sky, letting his every emotion out
in an ear-splitting screech. He screamed and cried and yelled at the skies,
asking them what he had done wrong. Asking what he had done to deserve the life
he'd lived. He screamed and yelled until his voice physically wasn't capable of
creating sound anymore. He cried until once again, it was only the sky that
created tears.
He slowly trudged to the tree in the middle, all his energy having been sapped
from him. He adjusted his backpack (that he had surprisingly managed to carry
with him the whole way) on his shoulder, and began to climb. The treehouse sat
nestled between branches several metres up.
Once Dan made it to the entrance to the treehouse, he climbed inside, glad to
see the place was practically empty with nothing inside. He set his backpack
down in one corner and sat next to it, his back supported by one of the walls.
Finally, Dan was out of the rain.
His swept across the treehouse, landing on the silhouette of what seemed to be
a lighter. Upon the reminder, Dan reached to his left and unzipped his back
pack, shuffling through it trying to find his lighter.
He couldn't find it.
Next pocket. Not there either. Next pocket, nothing. Last pocket, completely
empty.
Disappointed, Dan stood up and walked over to the lighter that was sat towards
the opposite wall of the room. He picked it up, and realised that it was his
lighter. Maybe it had fallen out of his backpack somehow?
Either way, Dan had his lighter. That was all that mattered.
He walked back over to his little corner, sat back down in the same position as
before, and began playing with his lighter until he flicked it closed one last
time, the smell of lightly burnt flesh barely noticeable as he fell asleep with
a couple new scars on his arms.
Just as he was about to fall into deep sleep, Dan remembered that he had missed
work.
|-/\-|
His body hurt. His neck and back are really stiff. The floor is hard. It's
cold. It's stopped raining. His clothes were still wet. His feet are kind of
numb. His shoes are no better than how they were last night.
Those were the first things that Dan's mind registered as he woke up. As he
opened his eyes, he realised that it was cloudy outside, but still pretty dark,
and he had no idea what time it was. Also, some time during the night, Dan's
body had slumped completely down onto the floor of the treehouse, so that he
was laying down instead of sitting against the wall.
Dan pushed himself off the ground as best he could, stumbling and only falling
once. But hey, the more pain his body was in the better, right?
Life seemed to believe so.
Once he was finally standing, Dan reached down to his feet and started untying
both of his shoes and took them off. He didn't care if the forest floor was
muddy, or if it would hurt if he walked around in only his socks. He needed to
get his fucking shoes off his feet.
He untied his sopping wet, beat up sneakers and grabbed his backpack and shoved
the shoes into one of the empty pockets. He then threw his backpack back over
his shoulder, and climbed out the treehouse. Once he reached the ground, he
realised just how muddy the it was. His feet sunk at least eight centimetres
with every step he took.
As Dan made his way back through the forest, he made a mental map of the trail
so he could go back to the treehouse whenever he wanted. After about fifteen
long minutes, Dan finally saw the forest starting to clear out and he saw the
stretch of houses that he was walking down the last night. He walked down the
block and started wandering aimlessly after that, trying to find an area that
he recognized so that he could go home.
After another half hour, Dan finally made it onto a street that he recognized.
It was a street that served as a route to the school. Dan had only gone down it
a few times as he usually took a different route, but that was enough for him
to remember how to get home. He only had about five more minutes to walk and
then he would be safe. He'd be okay. He could get out of his still slightly wet
and freezing cold clothes and he could have something to eat. He could also
play with his lighter for a bit without worry of it getting messed up by the
rain.
He walked down the rest of the street until he reached the intersection at the
end, and went to turn left when suddenly somebody grabbed his arm.
"Hello, Howell." an all too familiar voice said.
Turning his head to look at the person, Dan saw that it was none other than his
bully, Charlie. When Charlie saw Dan turn around and the look of recognition
crossed over the poor boy's features, he smirked, glad to have his toy back
after having fun with him the previous day.
Dan on the other hand, was utterly terrified. The second he saw it was Charlie,
memories came rushing back to him from the day before. All could he feel was
pain, pain, and more pain, even if he knew it wasn't real and just in his mind.
All of his instincts were yelling at him to run as Charlie pulled him in
closer, but he couldn't. He was in shock, and his body was refusing to move. So
he just stood there helpless, putty in his bully's hands.
Goddammit, why couldn't he have just died yesterday, that would've made his
life so much easier. Simply because of the fact that he wouldn't have to live
it.
Suddenly, Charlie's voice right next to his ear broke Dan out of his thoughts.
"So, why you all wet? Get stuck out in the rain last night? Are you seriously
so poor that you can't afford a fucking roof over your head or what , Howell?"
He taunted. "Actually, you do have a place, don't you? I bet it's some foster
home or a cheap apartment, huh? Wow, didn't expect someone like you would
actually have a place. That's pathetic."
And the next thing Dan knew, he was on the ground, with Charlie towering over
him.
"Seriously, you're just a waste of space. Why don't you do this world a favour
and just end yourself?" He spat, before something flashed in his eyes and a
sadistic smile lit up his face. "You know what? I bet that's what your tattoo
says, doesn't it? Why don't we have a quick look." He moved so that he was
kneeling next to Dan, and suddenly his hand lashed out and grabbed Dan's wrist
with the tattoo on it.
Dan's eyes went wide and his instincts finally took over, trying to get his arm
out of Charlie's hold. It was no use though, and Charlie pulled down his sleeve
and revealed his tattoo. He held his wrist so that at the moment, only Dan
could see it. Sure enough, there was the word Dan had stared at his whole life.
Suicide.
"What does it say, Howell? It says you're going to end yourself, doesn't it?"
Dan remained silent. He felt defeated. After everything he'd endured, every
word he blocked out by telling himself it wasn't true, this had to be up there
in the most painful. Because it was true, Charlie was right. For once, Dan
couldn't try to fight off his words by simply thinking he was lying anymore.
"Well, well, how nice. Now, let's see. When shall the poor Daniel Howell end
himself?" Charlie smirked, and turned Dan's wrist over so that he could see the
date that was visible to the rest of the world on Dan's wrist. Immediately, his
eyes went wide.
"What the fuck!" He screamed. "You were supposed to die fucking yesterday! Why
the hell are you still here! Are you fucking Warkbac or something? Bloody
hell!"
Dan froze at the mention. So it was true. He was supposed to die last night. As
for being Warkbac, he'd considered it last night, but had immediately discarded
the thought. Being Warkbac was even less heard of than being a Backwards. It
meant that you didn't have a tattoo. It was the rarest thing in the world.
There was nobody known who was Warkbac. People believed that those who were
born Warkbac were either the Earthly equivalent to gods, or possessed by the
devil - immortal beings sent to Earth to do his bidding. Either way, they were
just plain freaks of nature to the rest of the world.
Honestly, Dan thought it was pretty stupid, but he couldn't help be self-
conscious when there was a possibility that he could be. But he had a tattoo,
so it didn't make sense. But there was also the fact that Charlie had messed
with him because of his tattoo. That was a first.
And yet once again, Dan was being lifted by his collar, and held against a lamp
post. One punch to the face, a kick to the shin, a knee to his gut, and a few
more random punches. It hurt more than usual, as Charlie was hitting the still
fresh wounds from the previous day.
Honestly, Dan was surprised no one had seen the two of them yet. The street
wasn't necessarily busy, but there had been the occasional car. Dan just drew
the conclusion that no one cared enough.
He was dropped back to his feet, having to use the post behind him as support
to stand. He was breathing hard, and pain was creeping back up on him.
Everything that he had felt yesterday, the pain both physically and mentally,
was creeping back to the surface and starting to take him over.
"You listen here you freak, I-" Charlie started, but was cut off by someone
calling out to them and the sound of feet pounding against concrete.
In the next moment, Phil was stood by their sides, with his backpack on.
"Hey, you two know each other?" He asked, a curious look on his face. He had no
idea what had just happened between the two, and based off of his question, Dan
took a guess and assumed that he didn't know what Charlie did to him at school
either.
"Oh, no, actually I saw Dan here fall and decided to help him up. We were just
getting to know each other." Charlie spoke easily, the lie rolling right off
his tongue. He shot a look at Dan, as if challenging him to say anything else.
But of course, Dan still had some of his sanity left, and followed along with
the simple lie.
"Yeah, I was just walking back to my place and tripped. Charlie here found me
and helped me. Actually, Phil, you two are together aren't you?" Dan spoke, his
social awkwardness forgotten as he said the words almost robotically.
"Yeah, we are together." Phil replied, a smile on his face as moved next to
Charlie, who put an arm over Phil's shoulder. But Phil's smile was replaced
with a look of a doubt and something else Dan couldn't quite pinpoint as he
continued speaking. "But Dan, last night you said were going home? Why were you
just walking home now?"
Dan's heart sunk at this. He looked down at his feet, which were still bare
save for his socks. Apparently, Phil saw this as well, and of course asked
about it.
"And what happened to your shoes?"
Dan's mind raced as he tried to come up with a decent answer, one that would
please both Phil and Charlie. Of course he didn't forget Charlie's threat to
stay away from Phil after he got his hands on Dan's journal, so this whole
situation was just a pain in the ass for him to get around.
"Um, well last night, after we'd played video games at your place, as I was
walking home it was still raining so I decided to stay at a friend's house
that's nearby. And um, my shoes got wet in the rain, and they're still soaked
through, so I decided it be more comfortable to not wear them..." Dan answered,
praying to every known god that Phil would believe him. His thoughts were
starting to race again, detaching him from the situation just a bit.
"Oh, which friend? Do I know them?" Phil pressed.
"Um, probably not. It's a relative that's older than all of us."
"But you just said friend."
Fuck, he did? Dan could barely even understand the words coming out of his own
mouth anymore.
"Oh, no. They're technically a relative, but we're close like friends, so
that's why I said friend. Wasn't thinking, sorry."
"Oh, that's cool..." Phil muttered, looking as though he didn't believe a
single piece of the bullshit Dan just spewed to him.
"So," Charlie spoke for the first time in the whole interaction. "How do you
guys know each other?" He asked, conjuring up a minute glare that he sent in
Dan's direction as he spoke.
Phil spoke up immediately, before Dan even had a chance to comprehend the
question.
"Oh, I ran into him in the bathroom yesterday. We talked in Art as well, got to
know each other a little, and I invited him over to play video games. Now, we
should get going or we're going to be even more late for school. Dan, you
coming with us?"
"No, no, sorry. I have to go get changed, and dry off my stuff. I might see you
guys around later, though." Dan replied instantly.
"Okay, see you!" Phil said, turning and walking away. Charlie stayed behind
though.
"Wow, you're stupid. Stay. Away. From. Phil. And the next time I see you,
you're so going to get it."
Dan quickly nodded, in fear of Charlie hurting him even more for the day, and
watched as he jogged to catch up to Phil and two left.
Whether or not he was imagining it, he couldn't tell.
But he could've sworn he felt tears starting to fall down his face.
 
|-/\-|
When Dan finally made it to the front of his four story brick apartment
building ten minutes later, he realised that in that moment, he was the
happiest he'd ever been to see the shabby place that looked as though it could
crumble and fall down at any moment.
He opened the door to the lobby, walked over to the stairs and made his way up
to the second floor. He walked down the hall to his room, which was just about
three to four metres away from the stairwell.
He got his keys out, unlocked the door and stepped inside, enjoying the
familiar faint musty smell that had settled in his apartment along with the
rest of the building. His apartment was pretty simple and small. It had one
bedroom, a small living room joined with the kitchen, and a main bathroom. He
let the door close by itself behind him as he set down his backpack next to the
door, leaning down and unzipping the pocket his shoes were in. He took them out
and set them down, hoping that they'd be dry soon enough.
He then got up, walked the few steps to his bedroom, which only had his small
closet, a single bed, a window on the back wall next to his bed of which the
view was a magnificent cement wall, and a nightstand. He got changed into a
pair of boxers, grey sweatpants, and a white hoodie. He went back out to the
common area and opened his backpack again, this time looking for his phone and
lighter. He found them both, then made his way back into his bedroom, closed
the door, opened his window and plugged in his phone since it was dead.
Finally, with his lighter in hand he slid down his bedroom door until he was
sitting with his back against it, his knees drawn up a bit. He flicked the
lighter open, and the second he saw flames, he lifted the lighter to his arm,
watching as the flames ate his skin little by little before pulling the lighter
away.
Thank goodness there were no fire alarms in his place.
After a while, he closed his lighter and fell asleep, exhausted.
|-/\-|
It's dark once again by the time Dan wakes up.
He stood up from his place on the floor, stretched, and walked over to his
phone. He unplugged it as it was finally at full power for once, and checked
his messages. His heart sunk as he saw one from his boss at the café he works
at.
That couldn't mean anything good.
And Dan was right. As he read through the text, he realised he was fucked.
"Dear Daniel Howell, due to your constant absence and poor performance here at
The Underground Café, we have no choice but to fire you. Thank you for working
here, and we wish you the best of luck."
He'd been fired.
Mind racing with panic (at the disco), he ran out of his room and to the fridge
in his kitchen where he kept a small month to month calendar posted on it with
a cheap magnet. He looked for the current date of Tuesday, and saw that his
rent was due that Friday.
Still panicking, he rushes back into his room and picks up his lighter. He
didn't intend to burn himself more, he just mindlessly flicked it open and
closed, while his thoughts raced. It was basically his fidget spinner in that
moment, minus the fact that it didn't exactly spin.
But that aside, he couldn't get the fact he'd been fired out of his mind. How
was he supposed to make money? How was he going to pay his rent?
The other night, money had been the last thing on his mind as he believed he
wouldn't need anymore. He was on the bridge. He was there. He wasn't supposed
to live past last night. It was supposed to end.
But it hadn't and now here he was. Stuck paying his bills, fired from his job,
in a shit load of trouble with Charlie, still in a bit of pain, and having to
face the rest of the school year. Thank god he was a Senior. He'd finally
graduate, and be free one circle of his hell. Then he could also get Charlie
out of his hair.
But he still had bills and rent due.
And he only had about a third of what he needed to pay.
Dan let out a groan of frustration, the hand not holding his lighter going up
to tug at his hair. After five minutes of thinking of different ways to bring
in money by the end of the week, Dan had some ideas.
One, he could rob a bank, but he doubted that would work. Two, he could play
songs on the street and hope that people would give him money, but that had
very little chance of working and he didn't even have any instruments, so that
was off the table.
And three, was something he never thought he'd resort to. But at this point, he
had no other choice.
He made up his mind, and decided that tomorrow was going to be busy a night.
He laid down, trying to get his thoughts to calm down so that he'd be ready for
the day to come.
Holy shit he was not ready.
Chapter End Notes
     Story time! I wrote the whole first part of this chapter (the part
     where Dan's in the forest and treehouse) with Tyler from Twenty One
     Pilots instead of Dan. Oops. Also sorry for the long wait for this
     chapter, but it also just happens to be the longest one in this whole
     book at almost 3.6k words. I had the first part written out for a
     while, but finally got the motivation to write out the rest of the
     chapter after something happened yesterday. Death is literally my
     motivation and inspiration. Wow.
     As always, thank you for reading, the support is amazing and feedback
     is always appreciated! Love you all!
     ///ALSO, SUPERNATURAL SPOILER LAST EPSIODE SEASON12///
     Cass is dead. I wish to be dead. Kill me please.
     ///SPOILER OVER///
***** Metaphorically im a whore and thats denial number four *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry if it's bad and has a lot of mistakes, I wrote this sleep
     deprived. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
     Will hopefully edit this thoroughly soon
     (lol I had to ask siri how to spell thoroughly ha)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
-Ode To Sleep
Chapter 7
When Dan woke up, it was 04:00 the next day.
Sighing, Dan sat up and reached for his phone, which was on the nightstand next
to him. He continued to sit in bed, the covers pulled up to his hips, while he
mindlessly scrolled through random stuff online on his phone. He told himself
that he was still tired, even though he had just slept the most he had ever
slept in a long time, but in reality he was just mentally and spiritually
preparing himself for the day ahead of him.
No, he wasn't going to school. He wasn't trying to prepare himself for another
agonizing at the hellhole most knew as "school."
That morning, Dan was preparing himself to go into town.
After about three hours of mindlessly playing on his phone and sitting in bed,
it was 07:12. Dan finally decided that it was time to get up and officially
start his day.
He slid out of bed, walked over to his closet and pulled out a pair of extra-
skinny black jeans that hugged his ass, a loose fit white t-shirt, and his
spare pair of sneakers that he usually never wore in a feeble attempt to at
least have one nice piece of clothing. He put his phone into his back pocket,
and walked out of his bedroom and into the kitchen.
He walked to his cabinets, and pulled out a bowl and a nearly empty box of
cereal. Looking into his nearly empty fridge, he found a carton of milk.
Opening it up, he was immediately hit with the extremely foul smell that
indicated that the milk was way past expired.
Sighing, Dan walked over to the sink with the carton and poured it all out, sad
to see food go to waste. Then he got his cereal and poured all of it into his
bowl, seeing as there wasn't much left anyway. He sat down at his small table
and ate the cereal dry, as it was the only food he had. He ate slowly while
reading random political articles on his phone. Everything was pretty much the
same - there was still confusion with British elections and America was
freaking out trying to impeach their Cheeto.
Finally, he's done with his cereal, so he gets up, puts his phone away, does
the dishes, and goes back into his room to grab his wallet, putting it in his
pocket along with his phone. He walked back out into the living room, and made
his way to the front door, where his backpack still lay. He kneeled down and
grabbed his backpack, finding that it was still a bit damp. Groaning, he opened
it to find that most of his papers were messed up and some of his books were as
well, though not to the same extent as his homework. He found his journal,
which mostly dry thankfully, and pulled it out. He was desperate to write
something new in it.
He opened to a new page, and stared at it for a few seconds before deciding to
write some lyrics he'd memorized from a song.
So get this doubt out of my head
It's only real if you let it
And I've been letting go of my ghosts
I'll never let them catch me no more
But these words are all I have
So I'll just keep dreaming out loud
And if I just keep talking
Maybe I'll figure all this out
-Nocturne by Eden
Finally, he decided that it was no use to keep stalling, so he set his journal
aside, stood up, and walked out of his apartment.
09:52
|-/\-|
The bright lights shone in his eyes, the loud music drummed in his ears, the
bass from the speakers vibrated the whole building, and the liquid in Dan's cup
sloshed around as he danced in the midst of the strangers, pretending to have
the time of his life.
He was currently in the more sketchy part of town, where you'd expect gangs to
be hanging out and where you could get into almost any club without being ID'd.
Dan managed to do the latter of the two.
He got into a random club and got a drink with ease, and was currently waiting
for someone to talk to him. Being in the middle of everyone, Dan decided he
wasn't drunk enough.
He went back over to the bar, sitting down next to a guy who looked to be in
his early twenties, not much older than Dan. He was lean, had sandy blonde hair
and blue eyes, and a barely noticeable stubble. He was wearing an expensive
business suit, and also had a drink and a few discarded shot glasses in front
of him.
Dan ignored him while ordering his next drink, sliding a tenner to the barista
who gave him a glass of rum in exchange.
He started sipping on his newly acquired drink when he felt a tap on his
shoulder from the guy sitting next to him.
"Hey, my name's Brian!" The guy exclaimed over the music.
"Dan!" Dan replied, shooting the guy a smile.
They got to talking a bit more, and the next thing Dan knew, they were heading
out the back doors of the club and down the street to the guy's car, supporting
each other while laughing at the same time. They were both pretty drunk, but
not yet to the point where they were wasted.
Eventually they both made to the street and got into the guy's car, driving off
to Brian's hotel room. In the short time that Dan was pretty much sober, he'd
learned that Brian was in London for a business trip, hence the suit, and that
he lived in Manchester.
After that, the alcohol took over and Dan stopped paying attention.
The drive was short, lasting only about five minutes, and then they were
outside Brian's hotel, which was surprisingly fancy. A four star, Dan guessed.
Getting out of the car and walking inside, Dan was practically hanging off the
other male, both of them still drunkenly laughing over their pointless
conversation. They made it into the elevator, where Brian made the first move.
He pulled
Dan into him in a sort of side-hug, his hand low on Dan's waist.
Dan leaned into Brian, resting his head in the crook of the barely-older-man's
neck.
(a/n le smut until next note)
Brian's hand travelled lower, until it was resting on Dan's butt.
Just then, the elevator dinged and the two made their way out, slightly rushing
down the short hall. Brian opened the door to his hotel room, ushering Dan
inside, and closed the door behind the two of them.
He then proceeded to hold Dan against the door, leaning in and kissing him
roughly. Dan kissed back, a little uneasy as other than the incident with
Charlie, Dan was still a virgin. Knowing that this was his only way to get
money, Dan let himself go and let his drunk mind take over, giving full
submission to the older male.
They continued making out, and in the process, clothes started coming off as
well. Dan's shirt went first, then Brian's suit jacket and dress shirt, the
latter of which Dan pretty much ripped off.
Brian started moving down to unbutton Dan's jeans, when suddenly Dan grabbed
his hands, stopping him from doing anything. Brian looked up at the younger
quizzically, wondering why he chose to stop.
"L-look, not the best time to mention this, but, £100 to keep going," Dan said
in-between pants.
Brian nodded, and said that he would give Dan the money afterwards.
Dan let go Brian's hands, and allowed the man to do as he wished. Brian
unbuttoned and unzipped Dan's jeans, desperate to get them off the boy, and
slid them down. Dan was left in his boxers, still leaning against the door.
Brian stood up and put his hands under Dan's butt, telling the boy to jump. Dan
complied, wrapping his legs around Brian's waist, and the older carried him to
the queen-sized bed that was in the middle of the room, laying him down before
getting on top of him and going back to kissing Dan.
Brian then undid his own pants, sliding them off and discarding of them. He
started grinding down on Dan, causing the younger to moan.
Dan himself, though still a bit drunk, was surprised at himself with how well
he was taking everything, especially since it was barely a few days ago that
Charlie had raped him.
People really didn't care when it came to money, Dan reasoned. Because this was
how he was going to survive for a while.
Dan was brought back to reality when he felt a hand grab his dick, while the
other slid his boxers off. He looked up at Brian, panting, and saw that other
already had his own boxers off and was wearing a condom. Dan moaned again when
Brian started playing with the tip of his dick, flicking it and messing with
it.
After a few minutes of this, a pair fingers were thrust into Dan's mouth and he
was told to suck them. He did so for about a minute, before Brian took his
fingers and messed with Dan's hole for a few seconds, before grabbing his own
cock and positioning himself at Dan's entrance.
"Ready?" He asked Dan, out of breath.
Dan nodded quickly before he could think twice about it, and felt a sudden pain
he thought he'd never have to feel again. It also didn't help that they weren't
really using lube, and Brian had barely stretched Dan at all.
Dan kept in a squeal successfully, his eyes wrenching shut at the feeling of
being stretched so much. Brian himself let out a loud moan once he'd bottomed
out, quickly pulling out a little and thrusting back in. He did this a few more
times, creating a study rhythm.
At first, Dan hated the feeling, as he felt like he constantly needed to take a
shit, before after a while he became more comfortable and started to enjoy it.
After about ten minutes, Brian came, and Dan followed a few minutes after.
(A/N END SMUT... that was horrible pls spare me)
The two retrieved their clothes and got cleaned up, and as Dan got ready to
leave Brian handed him a £100 and business card, telling Dan to "call
whenever."
Dan accepted both, though he knew it was very unlikely that he was going to
need the business card.
He left the room and continued to make his way out of the building, and managed
to see the time on a clock as he was leaving. It was barely noon. Dan had some
more time to try and go out to get more money.
So he did.
|-/\-|
Another bar, another guy, and £250.
|-/\-|
And then £120.
|-/\-|
After the three guys, Dan's ass hurt, his pride was completely gone, but he had
enough to pay for his rent, as well as some food.
So, he decided that it was worth it.
He'd made £470 in one night, so combine that with the three hundred he had
saved for rent and bills initially, and he had just enough to pay his £750
total of bills and rent. The best part, he had about £20 left over for food.
Dan decided that he was done for the night, and started to make his way back to
his apartment.
Once inside, he set his money on the table next to his wallet so that he
doesn't forget to give it to his landlord in the morning, and walked into his
room. He stripped completely down, threw his old clothes into a laundry bag in
the corner, set his phone down on his nightstand, and grabbed his only pair of
pajamas from the closet. He went into the bathroom, took a shower, put on his
clothes, and jumped into bed.
He was exhausted. His back hurt, his sides hurt, his head hurt, and his heart
hurt.
But he felt numb.
It was as if his brain couldn't comprehend the fact that he was hurting.
He felt numb, through and through.
And that meant that he couldn't feel anything.
Which just so happened to be the most positive thing he'd felt in a while.
(a/n This is a good place to stop reading if you need to go do something else)
|-/\-|
Dan woke up to a splitting headache.
It was morning once again, and it was already 10:23 according to Dan's phone.
It was kind of funny, as Dan had actually been planning to go back to school
that day, but he couldn't.
His ass still hurt, his head was killing him, and he wasn't numb anymore, which
happened to be the biggest problem in his mind.
So instead of getting ready for school, as he wasn't feeling up for it and
since there wasn't any point as it had started about two hours ago, Dan got up,
went into his bathroom to retrieve a bottle of Advil, chugged down two tablets,
and got his money from the night before off the table in the living room.
He grabbed his phone, his wallet, and keys before leaving, heading down to his
landlord's office on the first floor. Dan gave the landlord his money, and left
with his remaining £20 to go to the grocery store. He picked up bread, a
package of cup of noodle, cereal, and milk before paying and leaving with it
all in bags. After that, he had £5 left.
He went back to his apartment, and then his day took a turn for the worst.
Standing right outside Dan's door waiting for him, was Charlie.
Chapter End Notes
     Oh motivation, where have you gone?
     Please come back I miss you I need you and I'm sorry for whatever I
     did I didn't mean it
     On a serious note, been in a constant mental battle about what to do
     with my life, and seeing all the support from everyone makes me
     believe that so far I've made the right choices. I just don't know
     what to do with my future. My life's also been pretty rough and
     stressful recently, and it's because of that along with sheer lack of
     motivation that there haven't been so many updates recently. Sorry
     about that.
     Anyway, just wanted to thank many of you for sticking around with me
     and giving feedback and support, it truly means a lot so thank you,
     thank you, thank you <3
     Also, last but not least, once this is done and I post it on Wattpad,
     do you guys and gals think I should enter this in the Watty's?
***** I wont take much of your time *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Save (Tyler Joseph)
Chapter 8
Dan felt paralyzed at the sight of Charlie in front of him. It felt as though
something was sitting on his chest, holding him in place and suffocating him at
the same time. His mind was racing, thoughts flying through his head, his
breaths quickening as his mind finally settled on a single thought:
Run.
But he couldn't. He needed to get inside his apartment. To do so, he had to go
past Charlie.
'Well fuck...' He thought.
Charlie was looking at Dan from where he was leaning against the wall with a
devilish smirk on his face, before he stood up and revealed another person who
had been hiding behind him. Dan recognized that person as Joe Sugg, another one
of the popular people at their school. He was also wearing an evil looking
smirk.
"What do you guys want?" Dan spoke, breaking the silence that had settled
between the three of them. He tried to sound confident, but his words were
barely above a whisper. Being honest, how could he be confident when he was
scared out of his mind?
"Oh nothing, we just came to chat," Charlie responded, wiping the smirk off his
face and replacing it with a look of innocence that could fool almost anyone.
He started moving towards Dan, to which Dan avoided and moved to his apartment
door, his groceries still in hand, quickly sticking the key in the lock and
swinging the door open before attempting to slam it shut, but it got stopped by
Charlie who swung it back open.
In all honesty, Dan was surprised that the door hadn't fallen off its hinges.
He was also even more terrified of Charlie than before.
Charlie and Joe strolled inside as if they owned the place, Dan slowly backing
away from them. Suddenly, Joe rushed forward and knocked Dan to the ground.
He landed on his back, his hands flying behind him to try and brace his fall to
no avail. His grocery bag went flying to somewhere in the room, but Dan
couldn't be bothered to give a shit. He tried to get up, but in the blink of an
eye Charlie was there picking him up as if he was a feather, and carried him to
his bedroom and threw him on the bed. Dan screamed, hoping one of his neighbors
would hear and call the police, though he knew it was unlikely. He quickly sat
up, but Charlie got on top of him, grabbed his hands, and held them above his
head while Joe stood next to the both of them and ripped his shirt off before
rolling it up and putting it in Dan's mouth like a gag. He and Charlie switched
places as Charlie got his own shirt off, rolled it up, and used it to tie Dan's
hands together. Dan was squirming underneath the two, tears pricking at the
corners of his eyes as his mind was in full blown panic.
It had already once with Charlie,  and that was miserable.
And now it was happening again with both Charlie and Joe.
'Oh god,' Dan thought, 'what did I ever do to make you hate me this much?'
Once Charlie and Joe were finished restraining Dan, they stripped him until he
was left in only his boxers and stripped themselves as well. By this point, Dan
had stopped struggling, knowing it'd be easier to just accept his fate. He
closed his eyes, shutting them tight hoping that the next he opened them he'd
wake up from this horrid nightmare. That he'd be with his family and his
friends, that he wouldn't be the outcast of the school, that he would be
straight, that he'd be normal.
That he'd be happy.
But that didn't happen.
The next time Dan opened his eyes, Charlie was grabbing his chin and punched
him in the cheek.
His eyes shot open, a gasp leaving his mouth followed shortly after by a groan
of pain. He so desperately wanted to hold his cheek as an attempt to ease the
pain, but alas he couldn't move.
Charlie and Joe took turns hitting Dan wherever they pleased, Charlie even
landing a hit on Dan's dick, causing Dan to cry out, tears coming out like
someone had broken the dam that had been holding them back.
They took hit after hit, until Dan felt pain on almost every part of his body.
He couldn't do anything but lay there helpless, struggling to breathe,
whimpering and crying.
Then, through half lidded eyes, Dan saw Charlie and Joe taking off their
boxers, and then felt his being taken off.
Weak and beaten, he left out one last scream, praying to every known divine
figure that someone would help him, save him, even though he knew no one would.
He was just another worthless soul in a world that didn't want him.
And then there was the all-too-familiar pain in his ass and back, and he let
one last tear slip before shutting his eyes, hoping that they'd just kill him.
It went on for about an hour.
Dan was quiet during it all. He just laid there like a lifeless sex toy. He
felt disgusted.
He could feel the cum running out, feel the lingering pain of being stretched
so much.
Why wasn't he dead.
Why?
He opened his eyes slightly, seeing a fully dressed Charlie and Joe sitting on
the end of his bed, Charlie holding the side of Joe's face.
"See, that was fun, wasn't it sweetie?" Charlie whispered to Joe, pecking his
lips.
"Yeah, it really was babe." Joe kissed Charlie.
And Dan blacked out.
|-/\-|
Dan hadn't left his apartment in a week.
Dan hadn't gone to school in a week.
He hadn't heard from anyone, nor had anyone heard from him.
He was running out of food again.
But he didn't care.
He'd had enough.
Not a day had passed by in that week though where Dan hadn't seen that
magnificent flames of his lighter.
They seemed to be the only constant in his life.
He was tired. He was sick. He couldn't bare the thought of going back out into
the world. The world was horrible, cruel place filled with evil, greedy people
who knew of nothing but themselves. Dan thought that hell sounded like a better
place.
He had been sleeping on the couch as well, trying to avoid his room as much as
possible.
So he really didn't care if he wasted away in his apartment. But life always
seemed to have plans opposite of his.
At the moment, he was sitting on his couch, watching anime on his phone. He was
very surprised when he got a notification about a new text. Being curious, he
opened it, feeling shocked to find a new message from none other than Phil
Lester himself.
Phil: Hey Dan
Dan: um hi phil
how'd you get my number
Phil: I put yours into my phone and mine onto your phone when you were over at
my house that one night
Dan: ah got it
anyway, what do you want
Phil: Why haven't you been in school recently
I thought you were coming back?
Dan: oh yeah
still sick
Phil: okay dan
oh wait can you smell that?
Dan: smell what?
Phil: the bullshit that's coming out of your mouth
Dan: ...
Phil: yeah, so really, why haven't you been in school?
Dan: why do you care?
Phil: cause you're my friend
Dan: still
Phil: please Dan
Because I care about you
Dan: I don't know
it's just been a rough week
i'm okay Phil
Phil: okay
well, it's Friday, and I just got out of school, so I was wondering if you want
to go out to eat?
Dan: no please
I really don't want to be a burden
Phil: you wouldn't be
Dan: but don't you want to go hang out with your actual friends or your
boyfriend
Phil: yeah I do
I do want to hang out with my actual friend
and that would be you
Dan: okay fine
Phil: Yay!!
So does pizza sound okay?
Dan: yeah sure
where at?
Phil: I was thinking that little local shop on the corner of the street a few
blocks away from the school?
Dan: sounds great, I'll meet you there
Phil: awesome!
oh one more thing
Dan: what is it
Phil: have you hurt yourself recently?
or thought about going back to the bridge?
Dan: we're not having this conversation phil
Dan locked his phone, tossing beside him on the couch. He put his feet flat on
the floor, leant forward and rested his elbows on his thighs, burying his face
in his hands.
What the hell did he just agree to?
|-/\-|
All dolled up (as if, he still looked like a walking corpse in semi-decent
clothes) Dan made it to the pizza shop Phil had been talking about.
Walking inside, Dan sees Phil waiting for him in a corner on his phone. Taking
a deep breath Dan started walking over to him, eyes darting across the faces of
the people he passed, wary of nearly every small movement from inside the cozy
building. He couldn't but feel all of their eyes were on him, judging him.
He should've stayed home.
But he didn't, and that was why after a few quick strides, Dan made it to
Phil's side and was tapping on his shoulder. Phil looked up from his phone, and
a smile lit up his face when he saw Dan.
"Hey Phi-" Dan started, but was cut off when he was engulfed in a hug from
Phil.
"I missed you..." Phil mumbled, letting go of Dan, who felt a faint twinge of
happiness at the older boy's words.
He brushed it off though, pretending not to hear him. Instead, he asked where
Phil wanted to sit. Phil lead Dan to a booth in a corner and they sat down on
opposite sides facing each other, as a waitress came by and set a menu down in
the middle between the two.
They both skimmed over the menu in silence for a few minutes, before the
waitress came back to take their order.
"One medium pepperoni and a lemonade please," Phil ordered, looking up at the
woman.
"Alright, and for you?" She asked, gesturing towards Dan.
"Um, just a root beer please..." Dan responded quietly, noticing the weird look
Phil gave him.
"Alright, will that be all?" The waitress asked, and Dan nodded before Phil
could say anything. Dan fished out his wallet and paid for his drink while Phil
paid for his pizza and drink.
Once the waitress left, Phil turned to Dan.
"Why aren't you eating more?" He asked, concerned.
"Just don't have the money," Dan replied, head down and his voice quiet.
Phil reached out and grabbed Dan's hands, which were folded on top of the
table.
"Come on, you should eat more," Phil told him. "When the lady come back, just
say you changed your mind and want to order something else. Anything, I'll
pay."
"No, Phil, I'm not letting you do that." Dan said, surprised. "Why would you
even think of doing that for me?"
"Because I care about you."
They were quiet after that, until the waitress came back with their food. She
set Phil's order in front of him, and Dan's root beer in front of him before
she left once again.
"Okay, how about this. If you're not going to order more food, then share some
of my pizza." Phil said confidently, a bright smile on his face.
"No, Phil. It's your food." Dan responded, rolling his eyes before taking a sip
of his root beer.
"Come on, please."
"No."
"How about a yes?"
"No."
"Dan-" Phil was cut off when one of the waiters dropped a tray on the other
side of the restaurant, a loud crash and clattering sound ringing out
throughout the place.
Dan jumped at the sudden noise, and felt as if a spike of anxiety had impaled
his chest for a brief moment, his heart skipping a beat and his breath seizing
for a second.
Phil took the chance to grab a slice from his pizza and shoved it in Dan's
mouth.
"Well you can't say no now," Phil stated happily, a triumphant look on his
face. Dan on the other hand, just sat there shocked while looking
straightforward at Phil, a small slice of pizza hanging slightly out of his
mouth.
After a couple seconds, Phil burst out laughing at Dan's appearance, and Dan
broke out of his shock, scrambling quickly to try and eat the pizza so he
didn't look as much of an idiot.
Phil, still laughing lightly in the background, started eating some pizza as
well, and from there they just sat, ate, and talked, sharing lighthearted jokes
and simple facts about themselves.
"So," Phil mumbled over a slice of pizza in his mouth, "how've you been this
past week?"
"I've been alright," Dan answered, finishing his last slice of pizza. "What
about you? How have you been?"
"I've been great, but I've missed seeing you around." Phil said simply. This
made Dan smile a little.
"What, you missed my ugly face?" Dan joked, shooting Phil a shy smile.
"Yeah, yeah I have," Phil laughed, going along with the joke. "But to be
honest, I don't think your ugly. You're beautiful, Dan. Don't let anyone tell
you otherwise."
Dan was surprised, to say the least. Those were the first kind words he'd
received from another human being in a long while. He shifted his gaze to his
lap, where his hands were folded. He didn't know what to think.
"Dan? Dan, hey, what's wrong?" Phil asked, his tone gentle as he got up and
slid into the booth seat next to Dan.
"Nothing, I'm fine Phil..." Dan whispered, not looking up.
"Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and empty or emotional. F.I.N.E.," Phil
declared quietly. "No, Dan, you are not fine. Please, just... trust me, Dan.
Please let me in instead of lying to me. I promise I won't think of you
differently no matter what you tell me. I promise I won't hurt you Dan."
And as if he was trying to seal some deal, Phil leaned over pulled Dan into a
comforting hug.
And that's when Dan realised he was crying.
He let out a small sniffle and leaned into Phil's side, despite every fibre in
his being urging him not to.
"But why?" he spoke quietly. "You just met me, like, a week ago. And when you
did I was running out of a bathroom crying. Why do you care so much?"
Phil pulled Dan closer, answering the younger's question straightforwardly.
"Because, there's something in me telling me that you'd be an awesome friend,
and from experience, I know better than to pass up an amazing opportunity. I
don't know what this feeling is exactly, but I care about you Dan." It was
silent for a minute, before Phil continued in a quieter voice. "So, will you
trust me? I promise you, Dan."
Right before Dan had the chance to answer, the sound of someone sitting down
across from the two caught their attention, and Phil took his arm back from
where it resting on Dan's shoulder as Dan looked up.
He immediately regretted doing so.
Because in front of them, sat Charlie.
'Why the fuck does he always have to ruin my day?" Dan thought, sighing
inwardly while fighting back the urge to cry.
"Well, hello to my favourite people- Phil and Daniel."
Chapter End Notes
     Also aww the fluff I was smiling so much when writing the
     conversation between Dan and Phil in the pizza place
     Also what have I done in life to deserve the support of all you?
     You're all amazing, love you guys and gals <3
***** Im here to give you words as tools that can destroy my heart *****
Chapter Notes
     Before we get started with this, I just want to thank everyone for
     the amazing and kind wishes. I read them all through and through (may
     have read a couple at least like five times lol.) Life's still shit
     for me but everything's starting to get better I guess. Also, I'm
     sorry for the month long hiatus. I really didn't mean for it to go on
     that long, but things got in the way and I couldn't update sooner, so
     sorry about that.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
-Air Catcher
Chapter 9
"Well Phil, I didn't expect to see you here." Charlie said, feigning being
surprised.
Phil didn't seem to be able to tell though, smiling sweetly at his boyfriend.
Beside him, Dan sat completely still, mind blank and body unresponsive.
"So, what have you two been talking about?" Charlie asked.
"Oh, nothing much, just been catching up," Phil replied vaguely. He squeezed
Dan's knee as a comforting gesture, before standing up and sitting next to
Charlie. The two of them started their own little conversation, while Dan tried
to collect himself.
Dan stayed silent, while Charlie and Phil chatted their little hearts away.
It was fine. Dan was used to having his thoughts as his only company.
'Fucking worthless faggot. Haven't you realised that everyone you meet hurts
you or leaves you? Why trust Phil?'
Because he's the first one that seems to genuinely care about me.
'Oh really? What about your parents? They cared so much before the little
incident.'
That was different. They were my parents.
'Still were people that cared about you. And they kicked you to the curb. I bet
Phil wouldn't hesitate to do the same if he got to know you.'
He wouldn't.
'Oh but he would. Hey, do you remember what your mother's last words to you
were?'
Don't even go there-
'"Fuck you, Daniel, you were never my son. I hope the tattoo with your death
says suicide."'
F-
"Dan? Hey, are you okay? You've been silent for the past five minutes..."
Dan looked up to see Phil and Charlie staring at him. Phil had a concerned
look, while Charlie seemed to be holding back a smirk.
"Um, I, uh, I have to go the loo real quick," Dan muttered, before he stood up
quickly and sprint-walked to the loo.
He went inside and quickly locked himself in a stall, putting the toilet seat
down before sitting on it and bringing his knees to his chest, burying his face
in his knees. It barely took a minute before Dan was sobbing, with tears
streaming down his face and every other breath getting caught in his throat.
His head hurt, his chest hurt, his throat hurt, his eyes stung and he was
hyperventilating. It felt as if something was trying to suffocate him, to
destroy him from the inside out.
If it weren't for the fact that he was in a public restroom, he would've
screamed. If it weren't for the fact that he had left it at home, he would've
been watching flames dance and lick his skin.
And if it weren't for the fact that Phil had showed up that day, Dan would've
been dead in a river.
He held a hand over his mouth, a feeble attempt to try and quiet himself.
This went on for about ten minutes before Dan heard the sound of the restroom
door opening.
"Dan?" He heard Phil call out.
Dan tried his best to keep quiet, his crying had died down to mere sniffling
and short, quick breaths.
"Dan?" He heard Phil call out again, and saw his feet stop right in front of
the stall Dan was hiding in. "Come on, Dan, I know you're in here."
"It's fine, I'm alright Phil." Dan replied, trying to keep his voice steady.
"Well, going off the fact that I heard you crying moments ago, I really don't
think you are okay, Dan. Please, open the stall so we can talk properly," Phil
pleaded.
"Phil, I already told you, I'm fine. I'm just feeling a little ill, it's noting
major," Dan insists, closing his eyes and hoping that when he opened them Phil
would've left. He needed to be alone. He couldn't handle being around other
people at the moment.
He should've just stayed home, dammit.
Maybe he could just rip a hole in the universe and walk through to a universe
that consisted of just his apartment. That, in his mind, was heaven in itself.
When Dan opened his eyes, he felt relieved to see that Phil's shoes weren't in
front of the stall door, indicating that he'd left. Or at least he'd thought
Phil had left, before said boy started climbing over the stall divider and
landed in front of Dan with a loud thump, causing Dan to let out a scream.
Phil giggled softly at Dan's reaction, before leaning down and wrapping the
smaller boy in a comforting hug. "C'mon, just tell me what's wrong," Phil
muttered into Dan's shoulder.
"It's nothing, I promise..." Dan whispered, fighting back more tears. Despite
every nerve that made up his physical being urging him away from Phil, and
Charlie, and the rest of the world as a whole, there was something about having
Phil there, comforting him and caring for him that nearly made him lose his
resolve. The action and the feelings that came out of it drew Dan in like a
curious child seeing a firefly for the first time.
He wanted to understand the magic of the creature known as Phil Lester.
"Dan, please... I just wanna know what's wrong. I want to help, please," Phil
persisted. When Dan was silent for a few seconds, Phil then added "Does this
have anything to do with Charlie? You were perfectly fine before he got here."
Dan wanted so bad to be able to tell Phil everything.
But he couldn't.
Because in doing so, he would just ruin everything.
For himself, and for Phil.
He also feared what repercussions Charlie had planned for him if he did so
happen to chose to spill his heart to Phil. Whatever they were, Dan had
decided, none of them could be good.
So instead, he lied once again.
"Phil, look at me. I promise you, I promise, everything's okay. Nothing's wrong
between me and Charlie. It's just, I'm... Life's been stressful for me these
past weeks. I just, I'm sick and tired of it all, it's wearing me down and I
can't take it. It feels like I'm a light that's dying out quickly, and like I'm
a fucking leaf getting tossed around in a tornado or a hurricane. I... I just
can't stand it, Phil. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I just-" Dan honestly
didn't know where all of that came from. First he was just telling a simple lie
to Phil, then he just ripped his soul out and gave it to Phil in the form of
words. He didn't even realise he was crying until Phil wiped away his tears.
"Shh, it's okay, it's gonna be okay Dan. Just calm down, deep breaths. How
about you calm down and wipe your pretty eyes and then we can get out of here,
yeah?" Phil whispered soothingly, rubbing Dan's back and rocking them slightly
in attempt to calm Dan.
Dan weakly nodded, and after a few minutes they both got up and left the
bathroom. Only Charlie was standing right there at the door, waiting for them.
"Hey Phil, I was wondering if I could talk to Dan real quick, alone?" Charlie
asked, subtly shooting a menacing glare at Dan.
Dan, scared as usual of Charlie, was about to respond yes in order to prevent
Charlie from getting too pissed off, but Phil quickly cut him off.
"Sorry babe, Dan's feeling really tired and I don't think he's up for a quick
chat right now. I'm taking him home as well, so I guess I'll see you later,"
Phil spoke, and Charlie just huffed in response, turning and leaving the store.
Dan and Phil followed, walking outside but heading in the opposite direction of
Charlie. They walked a couple metres before stopping beside a black 2017 model
black Mclaren.
Phil pulled out his keys and unlocked the car, which Dan was still gawking at.
"That's your car?" Dan asked, dumbfounded.
"Yeah," Phil rubbed his neck sheepishly. "It's a bit much, but my dad bought
for me when I got my licence."
"How the hell did your dad manage to afford that, much less as a simple gift?"
Dan retorted, waving his hand wildly while gesturing to the car.
"He um, he's uh, he's a businessman that owns a huge company. He's the CEO,
so... it's great that he can provide and do stuff like this, but honestly it
sucks because he's rarely around. It's always work, work, work, work with him
and it gets so frustrating sometimes. He expects me to take over his business
one day, but I just...never mind, sorry for dumping that all on you." Phil
said, ushering Dan into the car before getting in himself and starting it up.
"No no, it's fine Phil. Honestly I've dumped a ton of my shit onto you since
the moment we met, it's only fair that you get to vent as well. So what were
you going to say?" Dan told the older boy, who was concentrating on putting the
car in reverse and pulling out of the parking space.
"Well, it's just that I've never been interested in his business. Every time he
tries to show me something new about it, it just never sticks with me. I'm not
interested. But he doesn't understand that." Phil sighed. He'd managed to get
out of the parking space, and was now driving down the road.
"Well, what do you want to be? Like what job do you want to have?" Dan asked.
"Honestly? I uh, I've kind of always wanted to be a weather man," Phil stated,
laughing.
"A weather man! A fucking weather man? Oh my gosh Phil," Dan laughed as well, a
smile growing large on his face as his dimples showed.
"What? I've always found it interesting, don't judge me," Phil replied in a
joking tone, a smile on his face as well. "Also, um, we've been driving for
like ten minutes and I still don't know your address..."
"Oh my god I'm such an idiot."
|-/\-|
After quite a few u-turns and a lot of pissed off drivers, Phil had finally
managed to drive the two of them to Dan's apartment safely. Sometime during the
ride, Dan had fallen asleep somehow, so now Phil was tasked with the delightful
job of waking him up. which consisted of a few pokes to Dan's neck, yelling the
boy's name, and getting slapped in response by an irritated, but somewhat
awake, Dan.
The two made their way inside, Dan sleepily leading the way, stumbling every
couple of steps as if he were drunk. It was all very funny to Phil, as he found
it amusing to see the younger boy act in such a manner.
When they got to Dan's apartment, Dan opened the door and Phil blindly followed
Dan inside, watching as Dan nearly tripped while trying to get to his bedroom.
Dan collapsed onto his bed, allowing the old worn out mattress to catch his
fall. He closed his eyes, and almost immediately started to drift into a sleep-
like state.
Phil on the other hand, was looking around the tiny apartment, wondering what
had happened to Dan's family that required them to all live together in such a
small place. But after a few minutes of snooping, the realisation hit Phil like
Tyler Joseph hit the floor at Hangout Music festival.
Dan lived alone.
He worked and provided for himself, while at the same time managing his
schoolwork, and out of it all he got was a dingy little apartment and very few
possessions.
This just sparked Phil's curiosity, as he wondered what had happened to Dan's
family.
Setting the though aside, he walked to the boy's bedroom to check on him and
saw him lying on his bed, eyes closed and a peaceful look on his face.
"Dan?" Phil called out, unsure of whether or not the younger was asleep. His
question was answered when Dan hummed as a response.
"Hey, is it okay if I get some pajamas for you so that you'll be more
comfortable?" Phil questioned, his voice soft.
Dan nodded tiredly, so Phil set about searching for a pair of pajamas. When he
found, he walked back over to Dan. "Do you want to put these on yourself or do
you want me to help you?"
"Help me," Dan mumbled, not moving.
Phil sighed, and looked away as he took Dan's jeans off, replacing them with a
pair of sweatpants. He didn't bother to look away when he took off Dan's shirt,
but how he wished he did, because if he had, then he wouldn't have had to see
the mess that laid under Dan's shirt.
Dan's torso was a canvas of varying shades of blue, purple, and bit of yellow,
and had lines of red running across it haphazardly.
"Oh my god..."
Chapter End Notes
     Hope you all enjoyed that little chapter =)
     Hope you all liked that little TOP reference I made, and who figured
     out that I was trying to make another Supernatural reference with the
     whole "tearing a hole in the universe" thing? (Season 12 spoilers
     sry)
     Also, I just want to write here that, thank you, thank you, thank you
     to everyone who took their time to write notes in the comments for me
     about the whole me relating to Dan in this book thing. It really
     means a lot, and those comments helped more than you can imagine. So
     thank you for taking your own precious time and actually spending it
     on writing those notes. I promise that I read each one through
     completely, and honestly a few of them left me in tears. You are all
     so amazing, much love <3 <3
     As for my hiatus, that was combined of a couple different things.
     School has started up again, and it's honest shit. I've had quite a
     few family problems in the past weeks, and everything's been
     stressful, but it's all calming down now so hopefully I should have
     some more time to write.
***** Im screaming submission *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warning*******
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Phil started panicking, pulling Dan's shirt back down and rushing to kneel
beside the boy so that they were face-to-face. He picked up Dan's head gently
with one hand, holding the boy's cheek with his open palm while he took his
free hand and shook Dan's shoulder.
"Hey, Dan, come on I just need you to stay awake for one more minute. Come on,
can you tell me who did this?" Phil spoke softly, keeping his voice low. He was
getting desperate the longer Dan took to answer. "Dan, come on please."
Dan mumbled something incomprehensible, and Phil asked him to repeat himself
not having heard the quiet words the boy had spoken.
After few minutes that consisted of Dan not saying anything Phil had just about
given up thinking the boy had fallen asleep, when finally Dan responded.
"Charlie..." He whispered before passing out.
|-/\-|
Phil felt like he was losing his fucking mind. He'd been pacing around Dan's
room for the past two hours, not even caring about monotony of his actions. The
nerves in his mind were going haywire and he couldn't control his thoughts.
Phil must've misheard Dan. There was no possible way that Charlie could've hurt
Dan like that. Charlie was a sweet, caring, humorous and loving boy who could
never hurt another human being. He also had no reason for hurting Dan.
So why the fuck would Dan say that Charlie had hurt him?
Phil was practically pulling his hair out by the time Dan woke up. Dan's now
conscious presence went unnoticed by Phil though, of course.
Dan had heard the repetitive footsteps first upon waking up. Once he had opened
his eyes, they immediately fell upon the black haired and blue eyed boy who was
pacing back and forth in front of his bed. The elder was running his hands
through his hair and biting his finger nails, which Dan guessed were nervous
ticks of the elder.
A minute smile formed on Dan's face. He felt something nice at the thought that
the other boy had actually cared enough to stay despite the fact that Dan had
passed out. He decided that it would be best to stay quiet and wait for the
other boy to notice that he was awake instead startling him.
A few minutes passed before Phil finally took notice of Dan, freezing in his
spot where had been pacing. The two boys locked eye contact.
The silence settled between them for several minutes, and grew so thick that if
it were a real, physical object, a sharp knife wouldn't even be able to cut
through it. Finally, Phil shattered the silence by speaking first, his voice
calm and low.
"Hey, Dan, how are you feeling?" He asked, trying to keep his cool. It was most
likely all a misunderstanding anyway, he shouldn't be freaking out so much.
"'M okay..." Dan replied quietly, looking down at his hands that were clasped
in his lap. He remembered what he had said to Phil before he had passed out. He
remembered his mistake.
And now he figured he was going to have to pay for it.
"Hey um, who gave you all those... those bruises, and cuts? What happened?"
Phil spoke softly.
Dan looked up and met eyes with Phil, trying to read the older boy's
expression. His face held no emotion, but his eyes, his eyes held a perfect mix
innocence, confusion, dread, and denial. They weren't their usual bright blue,
instead taking on a hue of gray, signalling the turbulent storm that was
brewing inside the black haired boy's mind.
Dan knew he had a second chance. He could answer with the name of anybody else
in the world other than Charlie and he and Phil could stay friends. Dan would
have somebody who cared about him in his life once again.
He could be happy once again.
But at the same time, Dan couldn't stand lying to Phil. So, without any second
thoughts, Dan replied to the other in a soft, timid voice.
"Charlie..." He whimpered, looking back down at his hands once again. He didn't
want to see Phil's reaction. He knew he wouldn't be able to take it.
A few seconds pass by filled with silence, before Phil suddenly starts
shouting.
"What the fuck Dan!" Phil screamed, and Dan jumped a little as the
aforementioned boy slammed a fist down onto the corner of Dan's bed. "Why the
fuck would you say that Charlie did this? What do you have against him? Do you
really think you can drive me away from him by saying that he beat you? Are you
fucking crazy?"
Dan sat frozen, now scared of the boy who'd only ever brought him comfort. He
felt tears start to run down his cheeks as Phil continued to spit hurtful words
at him. He felt his breathing start quicken as Phil just kept on screaming
accusations at him for minutes straight.
"And now you're fucking crying! You're such a little bitch, you know that
Howell? Fuck, I just can't believe you'd actually accuse Charlie of doing
this..." Phil exclaimed, finally starting to calm down. He shot Dan a side
glare, before asking, "So? Wanna speak up and tell me why the fuck you're
accusing Charlie of hurting you?"
Dan was silent, which only seemed to anger Phil more. "Well!" Phil screeched,
his eyes wide and breaths quick, fists clenching and unclenching by his sides.
"Because it's true..." Dan whispered, trying to steady his shaking hands on his
lap.
"No it's not!" Phil shouted, his expression holding hints of desperation in it.
"But it is! Please, Phil, just let me explain? Please?" Dan cried, looking up
for the first time since Phil went off on his tirade.
Phil stilled, looking hesitant. Dan was the one who was desperate at this
point. Charlie had been the one hurting him for so long, and Phil wouldn't
believe him. And Phil was about to leave him. Dan's only source of happiness
was about to leave him.
"Fine... explain." Phil muttered, sitting down on the edge of Dan's bed, his
gaze shifted towards the ground.
"Okay, it um... it started a while ago. Charlie and I have known each other for
a while, and he's been hurting me for longer than I can even remember." Dan
started, his voice quiet. He kept his gaze on Phil, attempting to gauge the
man's reaction. "But um, the bruises you saw... they're recent. Like, really
recent. It happened just last week. I um, I had gone to give my landlord my
rent for the month, then went to the store to get some groceries. When I got
back to my apartment, Charlie was here... He was waiting for me, Phil. He was
waiting there with some other guy. They started taunting me, then forced me
into my own apartment. They... they hit me, a lot, and they... they raped me,
Phil..."
"Shut the fuck up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You're a fucking liar!" Phil
screamed, jumping up from where he had been sitting on the bed. "You're lying!
Charlie'd never do that! You're fucking disgusting, Howell! How could you even
say that? I fucking hate you!"
Phil turned around started making his way to the door, but Dan stopped him
before he could reach it.
In one last attempt to get his point across, Dan called after Phil, asking a
rather odd question which caught the other off guard.
"Phil, why do you think you found me on that bridge that night! Why do you
think you saved me from jumping?"
Phil didn't turn around, he just stopped in his tracks. It was a question he
really didn't know the answer to.
"I don't know, because you're a fucking head case?" Phil called back over his
shoulder.
Dan got out of his bed, taking slow shaky steps toward the raven haired boy in
front him. "No, Phil." Dan responded calmly. "It's because I just want to end
this shitty pain. The pain of being hurt, over and over and over again. My
whole life is just one, constant cycle of pain. I just want to end this fucking
pain! No matter what I do I always end up getting hurt. I can't live my life
without being hurt every. Single. Day. I just want to end this fucking pain.
The pain of thinking, the pain of losing everyone around me, the pain of simply
existing, the pain from Charlie-" Dan explained, before he was cut off.
"No! Fuck you! Charlie didn't do anything, I know he didn't! He would never.
Fuck you Daniel, you're just a lying cunt." Phil exclaimed before storming out
of the room. The slam of the front door could also be heard just seconds later.
"-The pain of knowing that I might be falling for you..." Dan whispered to
himself, staring at the spot Phil had stood just moments earlier.
Tears blurred the world around Dan.
|-/\-|
Dan never thought that in all his years the best comfort he'd receive would be
from the burning liquid that slid down his throat as easily as flames caressed
his skin. He knew he'd end up in a bar once again, he just thought that it
would be to make next month's rent.
Not to find comfort.
But he also knew deep down that nothing would ever truly make him happy. Nobody
would every truly love a pathetic wreck like himself. Phil had proven that to
be true when he slammed the door to Dan's apartment, storming off into the
night.
So if Dan had to find love in a bottle of cheap rum then so be it.
Hours passed, and Dan found himself dancing with a random (though admittedly
attractive) man around 01:00, the man's arms wrapped around Dan's skinny waist
as they moved along to the music, the bass pumping like the blood in their
veins.
The man Dan was dancing with was about his height, had jet black hair swept up
in a quiff, and was wearing a white t shirt, a black jacket and black slacks.
He had a voice that was as soft as silk, and Dan found a new comfort in the way
the man's lips found his.
They went back to the man's huge apartment that overlooked the entire city.
There, the two enjoyed more expensive booze, shared jokes, and drunkenly
laughed their way through the night. Dan even tried weed for the first in his
life.
Somewhere along the line Dan had learned that the man's name was Brendon.
They enjoyed the rest of the night fucking, drinking and getting high.
And god dammit if it wasn't the best Dan had felt in a long time.
It was also on that night that Dan decided he didn't need Phil to make him
happy, and that he wouldn't let Charlie fuck around with him anymore.
Screw them, right?
|-/\-|
Chapter End Notes
     Believe it or not, I'm just getting started. There's still so much
     more until we finally get to Phan.
     Honestly as I finished writing this chapter (which is absolute shit I
     know I'm sorry) I considered just leaving the story at this and
     having this chapter be the end but I already have another ending
     planned that I like better (I promise it's happy)
     So get ready for more drama, feels, and fluff! I also realized
     recently that I barely even know how to write fluff fml
     Also, thank you to you all! You're all so sweet honestly, love you
     all <3
     Also who got the Dandelion Hands reference?
***** Get up johnny boy get up cause we all need you now *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
-Johnny Boy
The next morning, Dan woke up with a splitting headache.
He sat up in the bed he'd been lying in and reached up to hold his head, softly
massaging his temples in an attempt to get rid of his migraine. The first thing
that registered in his hazy mind was that the bed was way too soft to be his
own. It was that made Dan realise that he wasn't in own his apartment.
The second thing was that he was stark naked under the covers of the bed.
Panic started to rise in his chest as he rushed to get out of bed and searched
around the floor for his clothes.
"Hey, you're up. You okay, sleepy head?" A voice called to Dan's left just as
the brown haired boy was getting his boxers on. Dan's head snapped up towards
the voice, finding a familiar figure standing in the doorway of the room, cup
of what smelled like coffee in one hand, a burning joint in the other.
Dan calmed down a bit as he remembered what he and Brendon had done the night
prior. He nodded at the older boy who was still leaning against the door frame,
giving him a shy smile.
Brendon let out a quiet laugh before walking to the closet on Dan's left,
pulling out a loose black t shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants before tossing
them to Dan. "Not sure if those'll fit or not, but you can have them. Anyways,
I'm in the middle of making breakfast, just some pancakes, sausage, and fruit.
You want some?" Brendon asked while Dan busied himself with getting the clothes
on. Surprisingly, they fit decently well.
"Oh yes please, I'm starving." Dan answered, following a laughing Brendon back
out into the kitchen.
They ate their meals while getting to know each other, sharing jokes and laughs
here and there. When they were finished, Dan helped Brendon clean up, and
Brendon gave Dan his phone number "just in case you want to hang out sometime."
They bid their farewells, and Dan stepped out into the world.
The second Dan was outside the apartment building, the frosty, mid January air
hit him like a truck. He immediately wrapped his arms around his chest, speed
walking away from the building. He shivered, his teeth chattering slightly as
he walked down the street. He could see his breaths, swirling little clouds of
mist in front of his face. He was eager to get back to his apartment, which
would still be cold, but definitely not as cold as the air currently
surrounding him. He could also pop an Advil for his ever present headache.
About five minutes away from his apartment and Dan was pretty sure his
fingertips were turning blue. His skin was covered in goosebumps and he visibly
shaking. He wasn't sure if he was actually going to make it to his apartment
before he froze, and thought over whether or not it would be worth it to stop
at a cafe for a few minutes to warm up before he continued walking.
Lost in thought, he was caught off guard when he heard someone call out to him.
"Excuse me, mister!" Dan looked to his left, and saw a boy about his age
sitting against the edge of a building a few metres in front of him,
accompanied by two small duffel bags full of what seemed clothes and personal
possessions. The boy had light brown hair that sat in a messy mop on his head
and had bright green eyes. He was wearing a hoodie, jeans, and a beanie.
Dan walked up to the boy warily, stopping about half a metre in front of him.
"Yes?" He asked.
"Sit down for a moment," the boy offered calmly, gesturing to the empty space.
When Dan remained standing awkwardly, the boy shot him a kind smile. "Don't
worry, I don't bite."
Dan, against his better judgement, sat down next to boy timidly. He sat with
his back against the wall behind him, and pulled his knees up to chest trying
to get as much warmth as he could. "What did you want-" Dan started, before he
was cut off as a giant, warm piece of clothing was draped over his back,
engulfing him in warmth. Instantly he reached up and pulled it closer, the
article of clothing providing a huge relief from the biting cold.
"You looked like you needed it," the boy beside Dan laughed. "You feel better
now mate?"
"Yeah, thank you," Dan sighed out. He offered the boy a friendly smile. "I'm
Dan. Who are you?"
The boy looked down shyly. "I'm not really sure..." he answered.
"What do you mean?" Dan asked, confused.
"You see, um, my birth name's Ruby, but uh... It's just that, I'm trans, and
Ruby's more of a girl's name, you know? And I uh, I'm not a girl... And I don't
have a preferred male name." The boy clarified, rubbing the back of his neck
awkwardly.
"Oh..." Dan hummed in understanding. "That makes sense. Can I, um, ask you
something?"
"As long it's about what I have in my pants," The boy stated humorously,
letting out a small laugh.
Dan laughed as well, before asking, "Is uh, is that the reason you're out here
alone? Did your parents, um..." Dan trailed off, not really sure how to finish
the question.
"Kick me out? Yeah." The boy responded, laughing once again, although this time
sounded more sad.
"I'm sorry," Dan offered, not really sure what to say.
"Yeah, most people are." It was quiet for minutes, before the boy spoke up once
again, the energy evident in his voice again. "Hey, do you mind if I bounce
ideas for names off you, Dan?"
Dan gave the boy a happy smile. "Sure, go ahead."
"Okay, so, how about Johnny?"
"Nah, I don't really see you as a Johnny."
"How about Dean?"
"I don't think so."
"Jack?"
"Not really..."
"How about PJ?"
Dan thought it over for a moment, before smiling at the boy. "I think it fits
perfectly."
PJ smiled widely. "I like it a lot too. Thank you."
"No problem."
They sat there for a few more minutes in a peaceful silence before an idea
popped into Dan's head.
"Hey uh, PJ? How old are you?"
"Um, I'm sixteen. Why?" He responded, looking over at Dan quizzically.
"Would you like to move in with me? I have a small, grungy apartment that I
live in by myself. It's really not much, and there's not a whole lot of room,
but I'm pretty sure it'd be better than you sleeping out here on the streets."
Dan offered, a warm feeling sparking in his chest as the other boy's eyes lit
up excitedly and he nodded his head rapidly, a large smile on his face. Dan had
finally done something right.
So with that, the two boys stood up, grabbed PJ's bags, and headed to Dan's
apartment.
|-/\-|
The next couple days were spent helping PJ get adjusted to living in Dan's
apartment. The hardest part for Dan was trying to scrounge up money in order to
be able to feed the two of them. So during the first few nights while PJ was
sleeping, Dan would go out into town to "work."
He would admit that it wasn't the best way to get money, but it was all he had
at the moment. To him, it really didn't matter as he long as he got his cash.
And he did.
In the first few nights, he managed to get a little about £1500. That'd be
enough to pay the month's rent and buy a considerable food supply that would
hopefully last the two of them a while.
In the meanwhile, PJ had promised that he would start looking for a job, in
which Dan recommended his old job at the coffee house.
On the morning that PJ was supposed to go in for his interview, Dan decided
that it was time that he went back to school.
Chapter End Notes
     Omfg it's PJ AHHHHH!!
     Honestly adding him into the story was a spontaneous decision and
     really the only reason I wrote this chapter lol
     Anyway hope you all enjoyed it, I love you all!
     And once again, thank you all so much for all the supportive and kind
     comments, they really mean a lot <3
     Also we hit 20k words!
***** head tilted down knees on the ground *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dan walked up to the front gates, backpack bouncing against his back as the
feeling of dread started growing in his chest. He walked into the school,
immediately averting his eyes to the ground. He kept to the side of the semi-
busy hallway and walked with his head down, hoping that it would make him as
invisible as he could physically be to his surrounding peers. He made a bee-
line to his first classroom, slipping inside and feeling relief wash over him
when he saw that it was vacant.
He pulled an empty notebook out of his bag, along with a pencil, and set them
both on the desk in front of him. He started planning out how much money he'd
have to save in order for him and PJ (mostly PJ) to have food on the table
every day from now on. He had a little over a thousand saved up currently, rent
and bills averaged about £800 each month, and now with PJ, they'd probably go
up about £50-£100, averaging nearly a thousand a month. In addition, he needed
to buy food, and now he needed to get new clothes for PJ. Most of the stuff the
boy owned was old and worn.
Clothes would probably be about £50-£100, and the monthly cost of food would be
a little more. That meant Dan needed to bring in about £1500-£2000 a month,
which realistically shouldn't be that hard, but he's not exactly in the best
position to be doing anything currently.
Stressed and tired, Dan put away his notebook and crossed his arms on the
table. Seeing that there were another 15 minutes until class started, Dan
decided to lay his head down on his arms and get some rest.
|-/\-|
His first class, along with the two that followed, went fine, with Dan learning
nothing as usual. He went to break, which was oddly uneventful. His next two
classes passed without hassle, but by the time he got to lunch was when
everything went to hell.
The bell rang, Dan packed up all of his stuff, and barely two steps out of the
door an arm swung itself around Dan's shoulders, forcefully pulling him through
the crowd.
"Hey, bud, how've you been?" Charlie's all-too-familiar voice questioned
snarkily. Dan could practically hear the venom seeping through his teeth.
They walked a bit, with Charlie more or less forcing Dan along with him, before
they stopped in a less populated area in the hallway. Immediately, Charlie had
Dan up against the lockers behind him and was up in his face, teeth bared and
an animalistic expression upon his features. He looked insane.
"I know what you did, Howell," Charlie seethed, "You fucked up, big time. Don't
even try to play dumb anymore. Joe told me, after Phil went running to him
asking for advice. And trust me, when I'm done with you, you're going to wish
you died when you were supposed to." Charlie let go of Dan and stepped back
just enough to change his stance and raise a fist.
But before he could land a hit, a door opened a few metres down the hall, and a
teacher stepped out, accompanied by none other than Phil Lester himself.
The two were talking, seemingly oblivious to what was happening between Dan and
Charlie right next to them. That is, until the teacher went back inside the
classroom and Phil turned around to face the pair. His eyes lit briefly, most
likely because he noticed his boyfriend was there, but then narrowed just as
quickly at the sight of Dan.
He walked quickly towards the two, and before Dan could run off Charlie slung
his arm tightly around Dan's shoulders once again, keeping him trapped.
"Charlie, what are you doing down here? I thought one of the teachers wanted to
talk to you or something? And why are you here with... Dan?" Phil inquired,
hesitating on Dan's name before forcing it out. Did Phil really think that low
of Dan now?
Dan didn't matter to him anymore, did he?
Phil grabbed Charlie's free and tugged him away from Dan as if Dan was some
horrible disease that people needed to be protected from. Yep, it was official,
the last person that actually cared about Dan also thought that he was the scum
of the Earth.
"Oh, I was just making some conversation," Charlie finally responded, changing
his expression from a murderous glare to a soft, innocent little look in a
matter of nanoseconds. "And it was Mr. Graceffa that wanted to talk to me.
Something about some club or whatever. I don't really know."
Phil looked pleased with the answer and turned his attention to Dan. "You know,
Charlie, I appreciate that you're trying to get along with people you think are
my friends, but I don't advise you get too close to Dan." He spoke, his voice
low and void.
There it was. the confirmation that Phil wanted nothing to do with Dan.
"Oh, and why is that?"
Please don't, please don't, come on Phil...
"Because he's the kind of person who loves to break people with fake rumors."
'No, I'm not,' Dan thought.
"He's the kind of person who's selfish. He doesn't want others to be happy."
'But I do!' Dan was clenching his fists now, his head tilted to the ground.
"And he talks about others behind their backs. I hate people who do that. So
that's why I'm saying it all now since Dan's right here."
But...
"I hate him. I can't believe I ever thought of him as a friend. Thank you,
Charlie, for going through the effort to get along with him, but you really
don't have to."
How is it possible for a heart to break multiple times? Because Dan was pretty
certain that's what his heart just did.
Chapter End Notes
     hi.
     so um, sorry this is like, extremely late.
     how have you guys been? I hope you're all doing well, and I want you
     guys to all know that you mean the absolute world to me.
     truly.
     i love you guys <3
***** behind my eyelids are islands of violence *****
Chapter Notes
     *tw*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Dan stood there, stiff as a statue as he heard Phil and Charlie leave.
Dan was screwed. He knew that much.
Phil hated him. He said it himself.
Charlie wanted nothing more than to gut him.
His family was completely out of the picture.
And PJ. Once PJ got a job, once he figured out to care for himself, which he'd
already been doing beforehand anyway, he wouldn't need Dan.
Nobody needed him.
He didn't know what overcame him, but the next thing he knew he was sprinting
down the corridor, going as fast his legs could take him, his feet pounding
across the smooth tiled flooring of the school.
He stopped outside a bathroom and bent over, resting his hands on his knees for
a minute to catch his breath before he walked into the bathroom, checking to
see if anyone was inside with him, and locked the door after making sure it was
all clear. He walked over to the sinks and set his backpack down before staring
at himself in the mirror. Dull, blank eyes with dark bags that rested under
them stared back at him in the dirty mirrors.
They belonged to him. They belonged to the boy who was supposed to be long
dead. But they couldn't be his. His eyes were supposed to be bright and full of
life.
But after everything that's happened to him, he could understand why his eyes
looked so dead. Just the past few hours explained it all.
No one wanted him around. Everyone just wanted to watch him die a slow, painful
death. He had no one. He was dirty. And worthless. He wasn't normal, he was a
freak, he literally went against everything that nature said was normal.
Suddenly, one tear fell.
Then another, and another, and they kept falling until he couldn't see his eyes
in the mirror anymore. He let out a loud scream and threw his body forward, his
head hitting the mirror which caused it to shatter into hundreds of little
pieces before he flew back a couple steps. He ran forward and punched the sink
as hard as he could, succeeding in taking off a piece of the corner and getting
his hand all bloody. He heard a few bones crack.
He fell to his knees as he let out another scream. He could feel glass shards
digging into his kneecaps but he couldn't be bothered to care. Instead, he
picked up one of the shards and held it in his shaky hands, twisting it around
and around.
After everything, he'd never cut himself. He only burned himself. It might
sound stupid, but he was too scared of how painful cutting himself would be. He
was scared he might cut too deep.
It was pretty redundant considering his little death tattoo literally said
'suicide.'
But in that moment, Dan stopped caring. He stopped worrying about how painful
it would be, or that he could possibly end himself there on the dirty floor of
his school's bathroom.
So he brought the blade down to his wrist and started slicing his skin. He
usually hated the sight of his own blood, but in that moment he cherished it.
It told him he was alive. It told him his breaths had meant something up to
that point.
He took his left hand, the one he hadn't cut, and reached into his bag and
grabbed his lighter. He flicked it open as skilfully as a Winchester would, the
flames bursting to life on the first try. He brought his lighter down to his
bleeding wrist and held it against one of the cuts.
That's when (the author physically couldn't keep writing about that scene
anymore) Dan's world went black as he heard someone faintly screaming his name.
|-/\-|
Dan woke up sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the cold stone
wall of the bathroom. His head was pounding and his wrist was aching.
As Dan's vision cleared, he could make out a distressed Phil pacing around the
bathroom. As he looked around himself, he was surprised to see that there was
no glass on the floor, his jeans weren't ripped, and all of the mirrors were
perfectly fine. He also took note of the fact that his wrist was wrapped in
gauze tape.
He focused his gaze on Phil and tried his best to gather up the strength to
form audible words.
"Phil...?" Dan whispered, his voice weak and scratchy.
Immediately, Phil's head shot up to look at the younger boy. He stopped his
pacing and looked Dan square in the eye, his expression blank. Slowly, Phil
took a few steps towards Dan, stopping when he was only about half a metre away
from said boy.
"What happened?" Dan spoke quietly, fearful of the boy in front of him.
"You're such a fucking idiot, Daniel Howell," Phil spoke firmly, breaking his
silence. "What in the bloody hell were you thinking?"
Dan just sat there, confused. "What are you talking about?" He asked.
Phil kneeled down in front of the boy and reached out, sighing when Dan
flinched back. He grabbed the younger's wrist gently and held it out so it was
in the middle between the two of them.
"I'm talking about this, Dan," Phil started, taking his free hand and running a
finger over the bandage gently. "When I got here you were screaming and
scratching your arm raw."
Dan didn't remember doing that. He remembered destroying the bathroom and
cutting his arm open.
"I... I didn't do that..." Dan whispered timidly.
"Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty fucking sure that's what I saw you doing about
a half hour ago before you passed out!" Phil exclaimed, letting go of Dan's
wrist.
Dan immediately retracted his arm, hugging it close to his chest. He looked at
Phil, trying to decipher how the boy with crystal blue eyes and midnight black
hair had gone from caring and sweet a few days ago, to hostile and rude now.
Dan knew it was his fault though. Just like how everything else that had
happened was his fault.
Dan felt tears springing to the corners of his eyes once again as he watched
the boy in front of him stand up, grab his own backpack off the floor and walk
to the door of the bathroom.
"Fucking hell Howell, you're such a crazy headcase, it's no wonder no one likes
you. First, you accuse my boyfriend of raping and beating you, cheating on me
in the process, and now you can't even remember your little dramatic meltdown.
What a lunatic." Phil muttered before walking out the door and slamming it
shut. [Brendon Urie is proud of you for closing the goddamn door, Phil.
Otherwise, you've been an asshole]
Dan felt the tears that had been gathering start to fall. He looked down at his
wrist and smiled to himself through his tears.
Phil might've been angry, but he took it upon himself to at least wrap-up Dan's
wrist. It meant he still cared, right? It had to. In Dan's mind, it meant that
he had to still care. And Dan's heart held onto that, even though it was
probably worth nothing.
It was worth everything to him.
|-/\-|
Chapter End Notes
     I guess this is where I explain myself?
     I honestly have no idea.
     Um, I'm sorry for being gone so long. I had a chapter drafted for the
     longest time but I just couldn't piece it together well enough.
     Also, I've just been insanely busy, so sorry about that.
     I hope you guys enjoy these chapters, love you all <3
***** Hi. I'm sorry. *****
So, it's been a while.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I really didn't mean to be gone that long. I didn't mean to leave at all.
It just kind of... happened. The first month was a mental health thing. I
couldn't take being on the computer any longer. I was going on treatment. It
was doctor appointment after doctor appointment, and a million different
therapists and doctors trying to figure out what the hell to do with me.
Holidays, holidays, needles, holidays. Yay.
December just passed me by.
And then January.
And then February.
And then March.
Actually no, March hasn't passed me by. It ran me over like a fucking tornado.
I can't keep continuing my treatment the way I am. Finals are coming up. I have
to move schools. I have to leave friends. I have to break it off with longtime
friends. My sessions ended with my therapist, and now my next therapy
appointment isn't for another few weeks, and I need to talk to her so, so
badly. My anxiety is wrecking me. Paranoia has encased my brain in a makeshift
cage of doubt and worry.
But I'm back.
I'm writing again.
Even if it's only to finish the few books I have up currently. Lucky (which is
titled Flames on Wattpad) and my Lawlight series on Wattpad. If any of you were
reading Stockholm Syndrome here on AO3, it's not going to be updated. I'm going
to take down the second chapter and leave it as a one-shot. If you want to read
something like that book, then I'd suggest Keep Him. It's much better.
But anyway, that's the gist of what's happening.
Now onto more important things.
How are you all? Like seriously, I want to know how you all are doing. Because
I haven't talked to any of you in months. I hope you're all okay. Really.
And this book.
Yes, this book.
It is going to be continued.
But I'm doing a lot of re-writing. Like, a lot. It's still going to be the same
story, but with a lot of changes. More development. More relationships. Better
explanations.
Basically, I want to make it better because even though you all like it, I feel
it's shit.
Even if it is the best story I've written to date, and the book I'm most of
proud of.
As I tried to keep writing it, it was like shoving together puzzle pieces that
didn't fit. The flow wasn't as good.
That was also another reason I stopped writing for a while.
I couldn't write as easily as I could before. Writing is therapy for me. And
when it got hard, when it got stuck, I dropped it.
I couldn't face the huge challenge looming over me that was re-writing. I
couldn't.
But now I'm going to try. I'm going to try because of you all.
Because you all mean the absolute world to me. You all.
You're my inspiration. My motivation.
And there's no way in hell I'm leaving an unfinished piece behind when you're
all telling me to update.
So, there we go.
My first piece of writing in months.
My first words to the internet in almost half a year.
My note to you all, letting you know I'm not dead.
And I know some of you, the ones who have been here from the very beginning
will truly understand the weight of that last line.
So this is what's going to happen:
I'm going to start re-writing.
As I finish chapters, I'm going to replace previous chapters.
And I'm going to do my damn hardest to keep you all updated and talk to you
guys.
Like, actually talk. Not just short thank yous and long silences anymore.
Cause I love you all.
SO IF YOU LIKED IT, PUNCH THAT LIKE BUTTON IN THE FACE, LIkE a bOSS!
The Game Is On
(Help me please I'm trash)
Also, I guess now is as good as time ever, especially if I'm updating now. It's
around the right time.
Happy fucking birthday Lucky, the book that has given me so much.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!