Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1864356.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      F/F
  Fandom:
      Carrie_(2013), Carrie_-_Stephen_King
  Character:
      Carrie_White, Original_Female_Character(s), Chris_Hargensen, Tommy_Ross,
      Sue_Snell
  Additional Tags:
      Lesbian_Character, Lesbian_Sex, POV_Lesbian_Character
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-06-28 Updated: 2018-03-31 Chapters: 12/? Words: 25612
****** Loving Carrie White ******
by animationisart
Summary
     Based on the 2013 movie. Maybe if Carrie hadn't been quite so alone,
     things would have gone differently. F/F
***** Chapter 1 *****
 
 
I was born on May 22, 1995 in the small town of Cabot, Vermont. I wasn't born
there, there wasn't a hospital in the town. My surrogate mother went into labor
early in the morning and my two fathers drove her to the hospital where I was
born. 
I lived in that town on a small farm for the first seventeen years of my life.
There were only 12 other students in my class. We had all known each other
since we started going to school, except that one kid who had moved into town.
I think his name was Chris, but almost everyone avoided him. I think it was
because he picked his nose and wiped it under the desk up until our freshman
year of high school. 
My father's were both very wealthy. We had been well off for as long as I could
remember, but my junior year we became even more so. My dad got promoted to the
CEO of a company he had worked for since he graduated college, and it required
us to move to Maine. My daddy was a lawyer so he didn't mind moving. He was a
very successful lawyer who could easily get work anywhere, so he wasn't
worried. 
Leaving my friends wasn't easy. We didn't have any family in either state, so
that wasn't much of a problem. But video chatting and texting senior year, on
top of applying for college and graduating seemed like so much work. And a few
hours never seemed so far away as it did the summer we moved. 
My father's weren't big on cooking or house work that wasn't yard work. When we
went house hunting they were more concerned with the outside of the house than
the inside so I was given free reign over the interior. I requested an island
for the kitchen, a movie theater room, and a room with an ensuite. 
When we got to the house after driving for hours, I walked around, watching the
moving crew lug all of our things in. The neighborhood was quiet, hardly any
cars passing by. It was clearly the richer part of town, all of the houses were
large and all of the yards were as well. There were expensive cars in the
driveways and garages,  BMW's and Bentleys littering the street. 
"I know it's going to take a little getting used to, but I know you'll really
like it here. This place actually has places we can get take out. And you can
do a lot more shopping now," my dad said as he inspected the movers. 
"I wouldn't know the first place to go dad. And I don't have a car so I can't
go anywhere anyways."
"Didn't your Daddy mention we were taking you to get a car next week?"
"No Dad he failed to mention. He must be busy with all his lawyer stuff." 
"Well don't let your summer go to waste. Go shopping, make some friends. I
think there's a new friend coming this way actually." I turned around slowly to
see a very tanned girl come across the street. She was wearing a lot of makeup
and not very many clothes. She came from the house with the BMW, a cocky smile
on her face. She reminded me of Carolyn Parker from my old school. With her
confident strut and the slight smirk to the left. 
"Hey you must be our new neighbors. I'm Chris Hargenson."
"Hi I'm Greg Higgins. My husband Al is over there, making sure they don't drop
the $2,000 television. This is our daughter Delaney." 
"It's nice to meet you." She was making far too much eye contact, as though she
was trying to evaluate my weaknesses.
"I look forward to seeing you at school Delaney. It will be fun to have someone
new at this boring school. You'll have to hang out with me and some of my
friends." 
"Sure." I knew what she was like after only a moment of her fake conversation. 
"Cool I'll see you around." 
 
 
"I feel like that girl was coming onto you."
"Onto who Greg?" My daddy reached into his bucket of chicken wings, not tearing
his eyes away from the football game. Sunday was usually impossible to talk to
either of them. They were totally consumed with their football that they even
ignored each other. 
"Our daughter Alaster." 
"What was that girls name again Laney?"
"It was Chris, Daddy." 
"She wasn't unattractive that's for sure."
"I'm not gay Dad." 
"You don't have to be gay to be flattered." They both returned to the bucket of
chicken and their football. I slowly snuck up the stairs as they yelled about
some play. I sat down among all the boxes in my room, wondering how I had
gotten here. How I was going to spend this last year in this town among
strangers. I laid down in the bed, pulling the covers over myself. My phone
buzzed and I ignored it at first. Then I finally looked at it. 
How's the new place Lane? My best friend from home, Amber had texted me a
couple times on the way to Maine, but she had her sister's dance recital to go
to.
Alright. The dad's settled in right away. They think the girl from next door
was hitting on me.
Was she hot?
I guess. 
You should probably get her number bitch.
 I'm gay Amb.
You hella gay bitch.
 
I rolled over and ignored the phone. Just because my dad's were gay didn't mean
I was. I knew that genetics had a role in that kind of stuff but that didn't
mean I was gay. Just because men were repulsive and women were beautiful didn't
mean I was gay too. There was a slow knock on the door and I rolled over.
"You didn't eat your salad. If you don't eat it some hungry giraffe or hippie
is going to get it." 
"I wasn't all that hungry Daddy."
"Don't worry, the movie room will be set up tomorrow so you can watch whatever
you want instead of football." 
"I know Daddy. I just don't know if I'm going to like it here." 
"I know it's going to be tough at first but you'll get used to it really fast.
Even if you don't really like anyone here you'll be too busy with all your AP
classes and you college applications, and your new car, and prom.."
"Daddy you know I don't want to go to prom."
"You could change your mind. I wish I had been able to go to prom." 
"You're right Daddy, I'll be too busy for everything. I'll graduate and go to
school and then become a veterinarian." 
"That's my girl." He turned around and walked back downstairs. I could hear him
ask my dad what he missed. I rolled over and texted Amber back, then set my
alarm for the morning. And once again I fell asleep to myself praying over and
over.
 
Don't be gay. Please don't be gay.
***** Chapter 2 *****
After nearly a week of me moping around my house my dads made me go out on the
town to look at the stores in my new Prius. I wasn't very enthusiastic about
going out but my dad threatened to stop buying me vegetables if I didn't go do
something. My daddy gave me the address to the vegan restaurant in town. It
would be nice to have someone cook my food for me for once. I tried to walk
around the mall first but it was incredibly boring just like all malls in the
world.
 
I stood in front of the counter, looking at the menu and the cupcakes. It was
always difficult to decide what to get at a restaurant when you want to eat
everything in sight.
 
"Hey you're Laney right?" I looked up from the menu to see Chris standing
there. I hadn't gotten a good look at her last time. Her features were
pleasing. She was darker than I remembered but then again high school girls
loved spray tan in a bottle. Her body was very fit and she was one of those
girls that had clearly developed early. I couldn't even imagine all the time
she must have spent on her hair, although her outfit was very casual.
 
"Yeah you're Chris right?" She nodded. I had to admit I was surprised to see
her here instead of at the mall. She seemed like one of those girls that spent
all her parents money and then whipped out their credit card. Just for that new
purse to go with their fifty new outfits.
 
"So you just moved here right? I suggest the Mexican bowl it's really good."
 
"I'll try it. Are you here alone?"
 
"Yeah my friends hate vegan food. Plus they've been annoying the hell out of me
lately. You wanna sit with me?"
 
"Yeah sure." She sat down across from me. Her ponytail was tossed over her
shoulder, her brackets making light clanking noises as her wrists moved towards
the table.
 
"So where'd you move from?" Her voice had that strange whine that popular girls
always had in every teenage movie. But she was so pretty I decided to ignore
it.
 
"I moved from a small town in Vermont. My daddy got promoted so now we're
here."
 
"It must be really hard to adjust to a bigger place like this. Did you leave a
boyfriend behind? LDRs are rough."
 
"No I've never dated anyone since my two day relationship in fifth grade. It's
a little rough. But it's just for one year and then I'll be at college." Chris
started sending me a smile. Like she was really satisfied with that answer. Her
hands reached over the table and cupped mine. I got this warm tingly feeling
that I couldn't ignore.
 
"Do you have one?" She smiled devilishly at me with her intent written all over
it.
 
"No. Me and my ex broke up ages ago."
 
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
 
“Not really he was such a douchebag. Hey, do you want to hang out at my place?
My parents aren’t going to be home all weekend again. I forget what romantic
bullshit they’re doing this weekend.” She looked at me longingly and I didn’t
know if I should go with her. Maybe we would just watch movies like I had with
Amber. The look in her eyes told me otherwise, and I wondered if I should get
this experimenting stuff out of the way while I was still young. I wasn’t gay
but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try it for myself. Everyone raved about sex and
I had been too chicken to ever try it with a boy. So why not with a girl? A
soft, gentle girl.
 
Following Chris home to the her house felt like a blur and a total conflict
within me. I was about to give up my virginity through casual sex with someone
I had only met twice now. What if it was awkward after they did and I had to
see her at school. Passing each other, staring each other down until one of us
looked away. But I wanted this. I had been horny and wanting human contact for
long enough now. I had never kissed anyone other than my fathers, and lightly
on the cheek. I was ready for the hunger in her eyes, the softness of her
touch. I didn’t even know her but I hoped that she was gentle and kind, as
though we were in love.
I don’t remember what her house looked like the first time. The way she looked
at me as she pulled me in made me forget what my new house even looked like the
way she was looking at me. She slammed the door and pushed me up against it,
her lips on mine in nothing but lust. I didn’t know how to react, I stood there
frozen against the door frame. She pulled away, looking confused. She didn’t
back far away, her face still close to my own, making my heart rocket out of my
chest.
“Are you a virgin?” She started to laugh at my completely bashful look, pulling
me closer towards her. My body was screaming for her to touch more of me. Her
chest was so close to mine, her hips lightly touching mine. I nodded slowly and
she smiled, her forehead touching mine.
“Don’t worry I’ll be gentle. You just have to follow my lead.” I smiled into
her face before she leaned down again to take my lips with hers. She was gentle
this time, coaxing my mouth to open to her. When she slid her tongue into my
mouth I shuddered involuntarily. She laughed into my mouth and I thought I was
in heaven. Her tongue danced with mine, swirling around my mouth like she
wanted to know every inch of it. My hand slowly tangled itself into her hair,
pulling it out of the ponytail. She smirked into my mouth as she slowly
demanded more from me. She started to get faster, her mouth pressing harder
against mine which made me make even more noises. Her hand reached up to cup my
breast and I moaned into her mouth. She started circling it with her thumb,
making me want to lose all control. I started to tug her shirt upwards and she
happily grabbed it herself and threw it to the ground. Her black lace bra made
me want her more, not to mention how confident she looked with her clothes
coming off. She ripped my shirt off just as quickly as she had ripped her off.
She unclasped my bra and her mouth was on me. I dug my hands into her scalp and
she groaned against my bare flesh, sending shivers down my entire body.
She was quickly pushing me to the couch, pulling my jeans off me. She looked
down at me as though I was some kind of dessert she wanted to ravage, like she
hadn’t eaten anything in months. She got on top of me and pulled my underwear
off with her teeth, making me moan . Her smirk was almost enough to send me
over the edge itself, but I had to have more of her. She sat in between my legs
and her head started to go closer to my womanhood. And when she took me in her
mouth I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. She started to suckle and move her
face from side to side, licking and purring. She started to groan into me and I
could see her rocking against her own hand as she sucked on my most sensitive
nub, making me cry out in pure pleasure. She started to shake uncontrollably,
moaning into me. I didn’t think that I was going to live, the pleasure becoming
so close pain that I almost couldn’t tell the difference. She was so skilled
that I was torn from pulling away from the acute agony, or shoving her face
further onto me. She made one final groan, shaking underneath me, before she
tore her face away. I made a begging noise, pleading her to give me what I
wanted.
“Come on, cum for me baby.” And when she put her mouth back on me and sucked I
felt my whole body quake, my insides convulsing in pure pleasure. It was like I
could see everything becoming perfect and right, and she was smiling as she
pulled away, a look of pure satisfaction on her face. I wondered if I should
cover myself up, as she started to get up and walk towards her kitchen.
“Do you want me to go Chris?” She turned around and started laughing.
“No Laney you stupid fuck. Do you want some wine? Or how about some tropical
vodka? My mom will never even notice they’re gone.” I pulled my bra and
underwear on. “You shouldn’t put all of those back on. We can still go a couple
more rounds.” I smiled as she grabbed some glasses from the cabinets, pouring
me some wine. She handed it to me and filled hers. She then raised her glass
and clinked it with mine.
“To your virginity. You’re one of the lucky girls that cums on their first
time!” She laughed and drank some of her wine, and I drank some of mine.
“Did you?”
“Fuck no. I did it in the back seat of a truck with some asshole who wouldn’t
know what the clit is if his whole life depended on it.” I couldn’t help but
laugh at that. I felt incredibly bad for her situation, wondering how awful it
must have been to have some asshole pumping into her for about five minutes
with no satisfaction.
“So are you bi? Or are you pan or-”
“Hell no I’m a lesbian all the way. I just like to experiment every now and
then to make sure. You know, my parents always saying shit about lesbians and
how they haven’t found the right man yet. Which is just a load of horseshit but
they don’t care. Bigoted assholes. What about you? You look like you could be
down with the D.”
“I’m not really sure. I don’t really want to be gay because everyone would say
that my dads turned me gay. But I really don’t like guys at all. They’re pretty
gross. Not to mention 98% of guys in highschool don’t give a shit about a girl
getting off.”
“And how would you know about that my little virgin? Teen movies?”
“The internet, Cosmo. You know the normal way.”
“I just got the new one. Isn’t Scarlett Johanson sexy as fuck?” She sat down on
the bar stool, giving me a come hither finger. She pulled me down into a kiss.
“Not as sexy as you of course though Lane.” I sat down next to her, sipping on
my wine.
“Was I unsatisfactory?” She laughed.
“It was your first time. But your pleasure was my pleasure. I couldn’t have cum
without you baby, you gotta know that.” Her hand was sliding down my thigh
again.
“You want to have a sleepover?”
“Yeah I’ll just text my dads.”
***** Chapter 3 *****
     "Hey you have to wake up my parents are going to be back any minute now,"
Chris gently shook me awake. I couldn't remember why she wanted me to get up
for her parents, which by this point I had met several times over the past few
weeks. But when I looked down I realized that I was naked again, from one of
our many weekends of sleepovers. I sat up abruptly and she handed me some clean
clothes. We were about the same size, which was becoming convenient since she
had a closet full of clothes that she hardly wore. We didn't talk about much in
the few weeks we had known each other. We had watched every lesbian movie on
Netflix that was possible to watch, we had cuddled after we made love for
hours. But we hadn't really talked about each other. But with Chris, it was
obvious there wasn't much more to her than what was on the surface. She was
very shallow and obsessed with being liked. She was constantly answering text
messages and phone calls, having a plethora of friends. 
     Her parents were nice enough and they didn't suspect anything. They were
very unassuming, asking when we were going to get boyfriends, although
according to them Chris wasn't ever without one for very long. I asked her
about it and she said it was to keep up appearances until she got to college. I
believed her enough, it wasn't uncommon. My dad had done it all through high
school and for the first two years of college. But her parents didn't seem to
pay enough attention to her to care about whether she fucked girls or guys.
They didn't seem to mind my parents, inviting them over for dinner. I didn't
know where her fears came from, but even the most accepting people could turn
on their own family. 
     I lived for the weekends of summer. The week was filled with Chris and I
hanging out with her friends, mostly Sue Snell and her boyfriend Tommy Ross. I
didn't mind Sue, she seemed alright to me. But her boyfriend seemed like a
bumbling idiot. He was always trying to crack jokes but they just made him
sound like a total idiot. It was something that I was used to from teenage
boys, but I still didn't know how to handle it gracefully. I always rolled my
eyes and said snarky things in comment to their idiocy, which Chris always
scolded me for afterwards. Most of her friends were just like her, shallow and
incredibly annoying. But for some reason, no matter how much I didn't like
them, there was something different about Chris. Maybe because she was my first
or maybe because she could be so sweet and loving when normally she just acted
like a party girl. 
     Each weekend was filled with sensual touching and a feeling of love that I
couldn't quite explain. She always tasted like some kind of fruity gum or
tropical chapstick. And I always welcomed her touch, as she did mine. But it
wasn't just the sex that I longed for. I longed for searching through Netflix
with her, laughing at movies and cuddling long into the night while her parents
were away. The tickling and the teasing. The way she could completely undo me
with one smile or look. I longed for her to be near me at all times, we were
always texting each other no matter where we were. My fathers started calling
her my new best friend, but I wanted to tell them it was more than that. 
     I remember when things took a serious turn between us. We were lying in
her bed after a long Saturday night and she had put "But I'm A Cheerleader" on.
We were entwined together in our underwear and her face was in my hair. She
smelt like her new shampoo, coconut and lemon. She looked down at me with so
much emotion of her face and I couldn't believe that anyone could look at me
like that. Especially not someone that I had met only two months before.
     "I love you," she whispered, almost like she was afraid the world would
hear her say it in that tiny whisper. I looked up at her, her face full of the
fear of rejection. I smiled up at her and cupped her face in my hands. 
     "I love you too Chris." She grabbed me harder, and latched onto me like
she never wanted to let go and I didn't want her to. It was the weirdest, most
alien feeling to have someone you in reality hardly knew telling you that they
love you, and holding you close to them. But for whatever reason it felt right,
and I welcomed it. 

     The first day of school was upon us. I asked Chris if she wanted a ride to
school and she respectfully declined my offer, saying that she was going to
school with Sue. I understood her want to hang out with her best friend so I
didn't push the issue. I stood in my room for over an hour before school,
trying to pick the perfect clothes to impress her on the first day. I wanted to
catch her looking at me like I did whenever she was with her friends. She would
steal secret, longing glances. I picked clothes that at my old school I would
have never worn. But I loved the way she looked at me when I had her clothes
on, like she wanted me more than anyone else. 
     I parked my car in the parking lot, looking around for her because I
didn't know where the hell I was going on the first day. I looked around the
parking lot and saw Sue Snell and her boyfriend locking lips near his car. I
walked up to them, although I didn't want to get anywhere near their public
display of affection.
     "Hey Sue? Do you know where Chris is?" Sue unhooked herself from Tommy and
looked at me like I had three heads. 
     "She's over there with Billy." She pointed over by a bright red car and I
almost threw up at what I saw. My girlfriend…. my girlfriend was locking lips
with some disgusting looking male right next to the car, looking just as
passionate as she normally did when she was with me. I could feel the bile from
my stomach churning, the agony in my chest swirling around me, aching and
shattering inside me. 
     "I'm sorry I have to go." I ran towards the school right as Chris made eye
contact with me. I ran through the building as teachers yelled at me to stop
running and into the closest girls bathroom, locking the stall. I slid down to
the floor, my eyes filled with tears. My mouth had a disgusting taste in my
mouth as I started to sob. I didn't know why I hadn't expected it. She was a
liar and I knew it. She probably didn't even love me. She had just said it to
get me more invested. As I sobbed a small hand reached over from the stall next
to me, leaving a pack of tissues. I started to hiccup as I took them
gratefully.
     "T-thank you," I croaked. 
     "You're welcome," a small voice answered back. The voice sounded nervous
and frightened. But I was too consumed in my own misery to ask what was wrong. 
     "Are you ok?" she asked even more quietly. 
     "I… I got cheated on. I'm such an idiot I should have known. God I'm such
a fucking idiot." The girl in the other stall didn't answer back, just slipped
a small chocolate bar underneath the stall too. I started to laugh a little bit
as I unwrapped it and shoved it in my mouth. Fuck Chris. Fuck that stupid
bitch. 
     "Thank you." I slowly got up and got out of the stall, looking in the
mirror and the makeup running down my face. The girl from the stall next to me
came out, and she was more particularly plain looking than most girls at the
school. Her face had great features and she had beautiful strawberry blonde
hair. But her clothes were incredibly modest, covering every inch of her skin.
She reminded me of Amber, so kind and plain. So uncaring about societies beauty
standards. She nervously washed her hands, avoiding looking at me. 
     "Do you know where I can get my schedule? I'm new and the asshole who
cheated on me is one of the only people I know here. And I don't want to talk
to their friends." The girl looked over at me and I noticed her blue eyes. She
was prettier than I initially thought. 
     "I-if you go to the guidance office they should be able to give you your
schedule. It's down the hall to the left." She looked at me briefly. 
     "Thanks I appreciate it. I'll see you around." I grabbed my bag from the
floor and walked down the hall, avoiding contact with anyone that even looked
like they might run in Chris' circle. I went to the guidance office and got my
schedule, filled with AP classes. I thanked the guidance people and they asked
me if I needed any counseling, to which I declined politely. I knew Chris
wouldn't have any AP classes, which I was grateful for. I was navigating
through the school to my first class when I felt my phone vibrating in my
pocket. I tried to ignore it but I had to read it. 
     Baby please we need to talk.I could have laughed in her face. I didn't
answer, turning my phone off for my AP Anatomy and Physiology class. I scanned
the room for faces I might know but I didn't see any until I got all the way to
the back of the room. The girl from the bathroom. I walked all the way back and
sat next to her. I could hear some of the people whispering on the way to
sitting with her. Oh my god is that Chink going to sit with the freak? I think
she is.I sat down at the work bench next to the girl and she looked around at
all the empty seats. 
     "Why are you sitting with me?" she whispered.
     "Because everyone else looks like an asshole." She smiled, looking down at
the desk. 
     "My name is Delaney Higgins. You can just call me Laney though, I like
that better."
     "My name's Carrie. Carrie White." 
     "Nice to meet you Carrie White." I could still hear racial slurs from the
middle of the classroom, where some boys that looked like they could be friends
with Tommy Ross were sitting. I tried my best to ignore it. I should be used to
it by now. They see someone who's Asian and they were all over it. Chink, Jap.
Me love you long time. Do you eat dogs or cats? I was so tired of it.
     "You kind of learn how to tune them out."
     "No not really." 
     "No you're right," she agreed. We could pretend and try to make it better
all we wanted but it wasn't going to ever be better.
     "And just so at least you know, I'm not Chinese. I'm half Cambodian. So I
don't know how to cook Chinese food or make sushi. And I don't watch anime." 
     "I didn't think you did. I just met you." 
     "So why do they think you're a freak?"
     "My mom is super religious. And I'm…. awkward." 
     "So you don't have a third tit or anything?" She chuckled and shook her
head. The teacher stood in front of the room and started to take attendance so
we stopped talking. But she didn't look at me with as much fear. She had a
small smile on and I liked it. The classes at this school didn't seem like they
were going to be as advanced as my school, but maybe it was because they had to
pander to a larger population of students. I pretended to take notes but really
I just doodled some lizards on the piece of paper, which Carrie kept looking
at. When class ended I looked at her as we stood up.
     "Hey do you have a cell?"
     "N-no.." 
     "Oh, that's ok. I guess I'll see you around then Carrie."
     "Yeah I'll see you." She looked like she didn't believe that I would ever
talk to her again. She grabbed her book bag and started out of the room with
me. As I left the room, someone grabbed my arm, a familiar manicured hand. 
     "You didn't answer my text we need to talk." 
     "I'm going to be late for my next class. Leave me the fuck alone Chris."
She whipped me around to look at her.
     "We need to talk."
     "And I said there's nothing to talk about." I ripped my arm from her
grasp, Carrie watching from my left.
     "What the fuck are you looking at freak?"
     "Hey leave her out of this you bitch." Chris' face contorted as I said
that to her and I turned, leaving with Carrie. 
     "Please tell me you have AP British Literature next." 
     "Yeah I do." 
     "Can you show me where it is? And keep me the fuck away from her." Carrie
nodded and we made out way down the halls. For the remainder of the day I sat
with her in the back of classes, except when she had gym and I had study hall.
I stayed in the library, confident that Chris wouldn't ever go there. Sometimes
I wondered if she ever picked up a book for class in her life. Carrie was quiet
but she seemed very nice, something I didn't see a lot of at this school. I
longed for home, I longed to go back. I longed for anything but this pain that
was twisting inside me, the shame of being fooled so completely. Of being
tricked by someone that I loved. The day seemed to drag on, and I had to will
myself not to sob, not to think about Chris. 
     I started to stalk towards the door that led to the parking lot. I had to
get home and lock myself in my room so that I could forget her, forget all of
this. I needed a pint of cookie dough ice cream and some vodka, but since I
couldn't get any vodka without Chris I would have to get two pints of ice
cream. Drown myself in fats. Maybe pick up some McDonald's french fries on the
way home. As I passed the locker room for gym classes, a hand swooped out and
pulled me in and I knew who it was. 
     "I told you to leave me alone," I started to cry. I didn't want to let her
see that she had hurt me. She was holding me close and I tried my best to look
away and pull myself from her grasp. 
     "Baby, baby please listen to me."
     "Don't call me that anymore!" I yelled. She started to shush me, begging
me to be quiet. 
     "Baby, please. I'm not really with him, I'm just pretending. My friends
were asking too many questions and I couldn't just tell them I'm a dyke. Please
baby you have to understand. My dad will kick me out if he finds out about us."
She was looking in my eyes, with so much sincerity. I wanted to believe her. I
wanted to be able to trust her. 
     "Baby I only love you. I've only ever loved you. Billy is a piece of shit
but he won't get between us I promise. Please baby say you love me back." The
tears started to come down her face and I broke.
     "Of course I love you Chris. But you're supposed to be with me. I love you
and you were kissing him-"
     "And it was gross and he shoved his tongue down my throat. Baby it's just
until graduation, then I can be with you and only you. I promise baby I love
you please don't leave me." 
     "When were you going to tell me?"
     "I was going to tell you tonight. I didn't think you'd get to school so
early. I'm so sorry baby." She stroked my face and I put my hand in her hair
longingly. 
     "Alright.." I continued to cry. She wiped my tears and I wiped hers, and
she looked around for others. Then she kissed me lightly before pulling away. 
     "Come over this weekend baby? I'll make it up to you I promise." I nodded
slowly and she put her hands in mine.  
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry it took so long for me to update. This one chapter has been
     giving me trouble. I mean I have everything for the fic all planned
     out but I'm having a hard time with Chris still in my way all the
     time! Anyways, here you go, hope you like it!
     The loathing that I had built up towards Billy Nolan could not be
accurately described, nor documented properly in history. There is no way to
convey the complete and utter disgust that I got every time I saw him. Every
movement he made, every word that came out of his mouth was completely
disgusting to me. It was impossible for me to hide my hatred for him, Sue and
Tommy noticing immediately. They were not fond of him either, but I hated him.
I wanted him to perish off the face of the earth and burn in an unimaginable
hell. Watching him with Chris made my stomach turn and bile build. Weekends
were now split between me and Billy, something that I was not able to easily
accept. Chris tried to include me in as many things as possible, parties that
she and all her friends were going to, sleep overs with all of her female
friends. But it wasn't the same, and our sexual encounters were becoming fewer
and less involved, often in bathrooms or closets that had locking doors. We had
only been together about three months but I was growing tired of hiding just to
save her skin. If she truly loved me and thought her father was going to kick
her out, she could tell them and live with me and my fathers. But she wanted to
keep her life, her popularity and friends. 
     When I wasn't with Chris and her friends I was with Carrie White. Carrie
was like a breath of fresh air to me. She was reserved and quiet. I could tell
she longed to be accepted by Chris and her friends, but I couldn't see why she
would want that. It was incredibly easy to see from the outside that they
weren't good people, and they would eat Carrie for breakfast. But all she
wanted was for someone to accept her, someone to be her friend. She wanted to
fit into society so badly, but part of me wanted nothing more than to just
trade places with her, to give her the life that I didn't want anymore. 
     Carrie and I couldn't hang out when we weren't in school. Her mother only
allowed her to go to school and home, and she didn't have a cell phone so I
couldn't call her without her mother knowing. Her home situation didn't seem
good, not that I had talked to her about it. She didn't seem to keen on
mentioning her mother, and based on the way other people talked about her
mother I couldn't blame her. She seemed like a religious extremist, and Carrie
had been home schooled for most of her life. Her exposure to society was
limited and other than me she didn't have any friends. But we spent time
together in classes and in the library after school sometimes. 
     About a month into school we were sitting in the back of Anatomy when the
teacher told us all to pick our lab partners for the semester. Immediately the
teacher looked at Carrie, as though he expected her to be alone once again. I
pushed my chair even closer to hers, making a big scene about it. I didn't like
the way even the teachers treated her, like she was some kind of freak. She
wasn't, there wasn't anything wrong with her. They didn't treat the other
introverted students the way they treated her. 
     "Miss Higgins, who will you be working with?" I looked at him as though he
had five heads. I was clearly keen on working with Carrie, although he seemed
as though he couldn't believe it. 
     "I want to work with Carrie if she wants me as her partner. I have my old
schools transcripts that she can look at if she's worried about me not doing my
share of the work Mr. Berg." Carrie turned bright red and the teacher seemed
too flustered to do anything but nod and move onto the next person. 
     "You don't have to work with me you know." 
     "I know but I want to. But you better do your portion of the work. I don't
like slackers Ms. White. Especially when it comes to science. I love science."
She smiled and looked down.
     "I like English."
     "We can be partners in that class too if you want." 
     "No one ever wants to be my partner."
     "Well I do. I think you're really cool Carrie." She blushed a little bit
and looked down at her notes and I couldn't help notice that she was really
cute. There was nothing wrong with noticing that another girl was pretty was
there? Chris couldn't read my mind so there was nothing wrong with thinking
that Carrie was cute. She was beautiful even. She had that lucky quality that
made her not need makeup, she was naturally gorgeous. Chris was still pretty
without makeup, just not nearly as pretty as the makeup would lead the public
to believe. But she was beautiful. Her hair was a very soft color with a gentle
curl to it. She had an incredibly cute nose, something I had noticed almost
right away when I had met her. Her eyes were a brilliant color, even though she
averted her gaze most of the time. She was gorgeous in a different way than
Chris or Sue. Sometimes I would catch myself looking at her when I knew I
shouldn't be. I had to be faithful to Chris, even though I had no proof that
she was faithful to me.
     After school I spent time with Chris and her friends, who were all
chattering away about boys and the next big dance or whatever. I honestly
couldn't pay much attention to what they were talking about. I was absorbed in
my science homework, hoping to impress Carrie the next class. I was hoping she
would be impressed by all of my knowledge from my previous school. Chris was
eyeing me up and down while she was giggling with Sue and I took notice.
     "So Lane, I hear you're partners with Carrie White in your science class.
How did that happen exactly?" Chris looked at me with utter disgust as Carrie's
name left her lips. When I looked at them now all I could see was Billy Nolan's
lips on hers and that was completely disgusting to me, far more disgusting than
the way she mentioned Carrie. All of her friends were looking at me like I had
the largest misfortune in the world to be partners with her.
     "I like her Chris. It's not impossible for people to like her."
     "Yes it is! She's a total freak Laney. And you hanging out with her is
seriously going to bring your status down."
     "Well that's where you and I are different Chris. I don't give a shit
about my status at this fucking school. I'm here to graduate and go to college,
not make everyone in the god damn place my friend." Chris rolled her eyes at me
as though she couldn't even fathom what I was saying. The only one in the room
who didn't look at me with total horror was Sue, who seemed to be slightly more
understanding than the rest. Although not by much. She was still the poster
child of popularity, with her perfect boyfriend and her perfectly dressed
friends. I loathed them all and sometimes I wondered why I was still hanging
around Chris at all. I didn't care for the parties that I was constantly
dragged to or the malls. I didn't care about clothes or popularity. 
     "Please Laney. Everyone cares about it. Carrie White would kill to be one
of us. Anyone would.” It sounded like that line from “The Devil Wears Prada”. I
continued working on my homework and pretending she wasn’t full of herself.
Times like these made me want to break up with her. But every time I thought
about it, she pulled me back in. I don’t know how she managed it. She always
went right for the throat, guilting me about how she couldn’t come out of the
closet and I how I wasn’t being supportive of her. And then she would bring out
the tears. And I would cave and we would have quick makeup sex for whatever
reason that would make me feel satisfied but guilty afterwards. 
 
     Saturday nights were hell. Swimming through the crowds that were in
Chris’ house. Turning down every offer of beer. By early November I had had
more than enough of it. I wasn’t friends with anyone there and I could smell
the pot and sex in the air no matter what room I passed by. I had no idea how
she cleaned up the house well enough for her parents not to suspect anything
when they came home on Sunday nights. I was of the opinion that they chose to
ignore it because she wasn’t in jail. 
     I had decided to leave early because someone had almost vomited on my
shirt. I went around the house looking for Chris and finally decided to try her
room. I made a quick knock and started to enter the room.
     “Hey Chris-“ I almost lost all the food I ate that day when I saw him
naked on top of her. Her face was full of apathy, not that he noticed since his
was buried in her neck. He stopped what he was doing for a moment and looked at
me with a smirk on his face. 
     “Are you gonna join or are you just gonna watch?” 
     “Fuck you.” I slammed the door shut despite the look of panic and sadness
in her eyes. I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I went down the stairs and grabbed a
bottle of tequila. I walked out onto her porch with it. I started forcing it
down my throat despite the burning. I started to choke on my own tears as I
clutched the bottle. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to a guy I had
seen in my study hall. He looked like he had come right out of the 80’s with
his spiky hair and he dressed like Jason Dean from Heathers. He sat down next
to me with a bottle of vodka and a blunt, which he passed to me. 
     “She fucked you over too huh?” I looked at him through my tears and nodded
as much as I could. I took a hit and took some vodka. It was starting to feel
better, even if for only a moment, everything around me starting to get fuzzy. 
     “I’ve been watching you for awhile. She did the same thing to me in
sophomore year. Well, when I was called “Jessica”. Drew me in with sex and
false promises of love. Fucked Billy Nolan in the back of his truck. I forgave
her for some fucked up reason.” He took another drink and hit himself. 
     “When did you break up with her?"
     “I didn’t. She broke up with me when I told her I was trans. She said she
doesn’t date dudes. That’s a fucking riot.” I took more tequila for myself and
then offered him some. 
     “She’s a fucking bitch. She told me she was too a-afraid to come out. That
her dad would kick her out and she’d have no where to go. That all her
friends would hate her."
     “She just does that to fuck with your mind. Make you stay. She doesn’t
mean a fucking word of it. She’ll do anything to try and keep you and her
fucking popularity.” I nodded and took the blunt back. I was starting to see
fuzzy. 
     “What are you going to do? Now that you caught her?” I started to laugh
when he asked that. I had no fucking idea. I hated her but at the same time I
loved her. But I couldn’t do this anymore. Even drunk and high I knew that I
couldn’t let her hurt me anymore. I looked over at him.
     “Not return any of her calls. Block her number. Break up with her through
ignoring her. I don’t know how I’m going to break up with her but I’m fucking
done with this bullshit.” 
     “Damn fucking right. You deserve better. She’s getting what she deserves
with her scumbag boyfriend.” He took out some cigarettes and offered me one but
I shook my head. The party was still raging, bottles breaking, music blaring. I
could literally just walk back across the street and go home. 
     “How did you get over her?” I croaked. I could feel the tears coming back
but I didn’t want to seem weak. 
     “I pictured them together everyday until I got angry instead of sad. Then
I started checking out girls on the volleyball team.” I smiled. She was my
first but that didn’t mean she would be my last. I would make sure of that. 
     “What’s your name anyways?” He took a puff and a swig. 
     “Delaney. What’s your name?"
     “Jason Deen.” I started to laugh hysterically. 
     “Like from Heathers?” He laughed and nodded. 
     “He was fucking good looking. He was a piece of shit but he was good
looking.” 
      “Dude I love that fucking movie. Do you want to go to my house and watch
it? I live across the street.” 
     “Fuck yeah. Let’s blow this place.” We both got up and walked across the
street to my house. I was obviously tipsy but he looked just fine, like he was
used to being drunk and high at the same time. I almost tipped over as
I unlocked the door. My dad  was still awake watching the recap of the games
since he had to work. 
     “I see you’re back from the rager over there. How was it this time?” 
     “Dad I’m drunk can you take my phone as punishment?” He looked at me like
I had three heads. He laughed and then held out his hand and I slapped it in
his hand.
     “JD and I are going to go upstairs and watch Heathers in the movie room.
We’ll keep the door open.” He nodded and I drunkenly made my way up the stairs.
I put the movie in and he started to pop the popcorn. When it was done he sat
down in the movie seats and passed the bucket. He hit play because I was
finally being hit with all the effects of the drugs and alcohol. And when the
first Heather died in the movie, for some reason I cried. 
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     Please enjoy! I really love writing this story and I hope you all
     enjoy reading!!
 
     “Laney, wake up. Your dads want you downstairs for breakfast.” I groaned
as I realized the full weight of how much I had to drink the night before. I
started to rub my temples. JD started to laugh over me, offering his hand so I
could stand up. I reached in my pocket for my phone and then remembered that I
didn’t have it anymore. 
     “You’re a lightweight. We’ll need to work on that. I don’t think your dads
are going to be that impressed with your first bender.” 
     “Shut the fuck up JD. I just want this fucking headache go away.” 
     “They have stuff for that downstairs. Come on I’m fucking hungry.” I
slowly walked all the way down the stairs, JD in front just in case I started
to fall. When we got to the kitchen there was fully cooked breakfast. It
confused me for a moment because I had forgotten it was Sunday. My fathers were
sitting at the other side of the island, which had bacon, eggs, vegan pancakes,
and home fries for me. My dad looked at me with pride but my daddy did not look
happy with me at all. 
     “Really Delaney? This couldn’t have waited until you were in college?” 
     “I’m sorry Daddy."
     “We met your lovely new friend JD. He kept us company while you were
passed out.” 
     “Al stop being a catty gay. No one in this house likes that attitude.
Besides, you were always wasted out of your mind in high school.” 
     “That’s because I was the only openly gay person at my school in the
1980’s. I thought I was going to die half of the time and the other half I was
pretending kids on the football team weren’t having sex with me.” 
     “I won’t do it again. I’m really sorry okay?” I asked sharply as I rubbed
my temples. I had more than enough the night before and I didn’t know how much
I could take. It was going to take all day to recover, and I still hadn’t
started to work on my Anatomy homework, not to mention Calculus. I was doomed.
My father’s were well behaved through the rest of breakfast, and were polite to
JD until he left around 3 pm. They loved him so much they were almost adopting
him, trying to kidnap him from his family. I looked at my daddy in dread as JD
left.
     “Take your phone. I’m tired of hearing it go off every five minutes.” He
tried to hand my phone to me but I refused.
     “No Daddy I don’t want my phone. Please, it’s my punishment for getting
drunk last night.” 
     “It’s not a punishment if you ask for it. Now you’re going to tell us
what’s going on and why you have 73 texts from Chris that all seem threatening
and almost 30 calls.” I looked to my Dad, pleading for him to bail me out. But
he gave me the look and I sighed. A stray tear ran down my face that I tried to
cover up. 
     “Honey tell us what’s going on. We’re here to help you. If something is
going on that we can help you get through, we want to.” 
     “I didn’t want to tell you, but you saw all the texts so you probably
already know. Dad, Daddy… I’m gay. I was dating Chris and I caught her fucking
Billy Nolan who she claimed was her beard. So I got drunk and high and watched
Heathers with JD, who also got fucked over by Chris but two years ago-“. It all
came out as one run-on sentence as I started to sob. My fathers weren’t great
at handling outward displays of emotion. But they swooped in at exactly the
right moment, better than any mother ever could. My daddy opened my phone and
texted Chris back, saying that I was grounded and would not be answering my
phone or social media. 
     “Honey, we’re so glad that you finally told us. We kind of knew something
was going on between the two of you. We are here for you. And if she keeps
harassing you, we’ll get the police involved if we have to.” 
     “I’m just going to try to ignore her for a little while Daddy. Can I take
Monday off from school? I’m not ready to deal with her just yet."
     “Of course. But make sure you get the makeup work. I know this is really
hard to go through, especially senior year.” 
     “I just wish it had never happened. I wish I had met JD earlier. Then I
could have avoided all of this pain."
     “Every experience is important. Even if it is a negative one. I know how
hard it is in high school. I’m just glad that you didn’t hide as long as I did.
I didn’t tell Yieey and Ta until I was in college, and even then I thought they
were going to disown me."
     “Dad, sometimes it sucks being Asian. I’m terrified to tell them. I don’t
want anyone to think that you guys made me gay."
     “Well I kind of did genetically,” my Daddy grinned. 
     “I know Daddy but still.” My dad put his hand on my shoulder.
     “You don’t have to tell them until you’re ready. But they’ve gotten
so much better about it. Yieey even reads lesbian romance novels, which kind of
makes me question some things.” I laughed, hiccuping. 
 
     The rest of that day was spent pleasantly, as I listened to them yell at
the tv over football. I didn’t even mind, I didn’t retreat to my room. I
remembered how important they were to me, and how grateful I was to have them.
I could have had far worse parents than the two of them and sometimes I got
caught up in how different they were from me. I didn’t notice how many ways
they were like me. 
     I spent all of Monday doing things I wanted to do. After I did
the homework I hadn’t done over the weekend, I stayed on the internet for
hours, ignoring sites that Chris was glued to. I read a few herpetology
researchers works, spent hours looking at things I want to put in my dream
home, and ate soy ice cream. At about 3:30 I heard a knock on the door
and started to have a panic attack. I slowly went towards the door, prepared
for if it was Chris. But there at the door was Carrie White. She was wearing a
clunky sweater and pants that were a little too bit. Her hair was a little
frizzy, but the light snow started to stick in it. It was twinkling like
starlight in her strawberry blonde mop. 
     “Hey I got worried because you weren’t in school today. I would have
called you, but my mom doesn’t like me using the phone so I thought I should
check on you.” 
     “I’m sorry to worry you Carrie. I’m going through… something really rough
right now. So I thought I’d just take today off from school. Take that out of
the equation."
     “Yeah that makes sense. I brought you all the homework we have for
tomorrow. I know you don’t like to be behind so…” She pulled out some papers
from her backpack and handed them to me.
     “Thank you so much Carrie. I really appreciate this. Do you want to come
in?” She looked around nervously.
     “No my mom will be upset if I don’t get home before her. I should start
walking so I can get there."
     “I’ll drive you.” She shook her head.
     “I can’t make you do that."
     “I want to. I haven’t gotten out of the house all day. Besides, you really
helped me out. You’ve been a really great friend to me Carrie. Now let me
return the favor.” 
 
 
     She looked very nervous as I pulled up to her house. There was no car in
the driveway and she sighed in relief. I could tell how much anxiety was built
up from her mother. I wondered how bad it was for her. It wasn’t easy to tell
from the look of their house or the way she dressed. But the way she acted
worried me. She was terrified of making mistakes. I worried that her
mother beat her. 
     “Thank you so much for driving me home. You really didn’t have to. It was…
really nice of you. I’ll… see you in classes tomorrow?” 
     “Yeah. Save me my seat ok?” She smiled and gently shut my door, scurrying
in to her house. When I got back to my house I looked at my phone on the
counter. I had a new text, and I looked at it out of curiosity. It was from
Chris. 
     I saw you w/her. So this is how your going 2 be? Fine. The whole school is
going to know your a dyke tomorrow. Unless you get your ass over my house
tonight your in deep shit.

     I actually genuinely smiled. I walked out the door and over to Chris’
house. She answered the doorbell, which surprised me. She grinned when she saw
me. 
     “I knew you would change your mind.” 
     “Actually, I came to tell you to tell everyone. It will save me the
trouble. And stop texting my phone. I don’t have unlimited.” 
     “I will make your life a living hell. Do you hear me?” 
     “Yeah. I don’t care. I don’t care what you do anymore Chris."
     “I will make Carrie White’s life miserable. I will make you and JD the
biggest outcasts this school has ever seen. You will regret breaking up with
me. I will make you realize what a mistake you've made,” she spit out. 
     “The only mistake I made was not dumping you sooner.” 
***** Chapter 6 *****
Texts_for_the_beginning_of_this_chapter!
So many texts before I got to school that morning. Chris was still trying to
tempt me back into her arms by promising not to tell anyone a thing. By the
morning I had long stopped caring. I felt nervous about all of the assholes in
the school, but not enough to hide from them forever. It was easy to be
terrified of coming out in a small town, where everyone will be sure to talk
about you even if they don’t bully you or try to kill you. But everyone was
going to find out sooner or later. Whether they walked in on Chris and I or me
with some other girl. Hell, even if they checked my internet history they would
find out pretty damned fast. 
     JD had suggested me outing her the night before. I looked at the phone so
judgmentally that I think he could feel it through the phone, and he texted jk.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t thought about it. I had, quite frequently. I had enough
pictures and texts to prove that she was gay to anyone on the planet. But
outing someone was wrong. And I didn’t really want to hurt her, no matter how
much she had hurt me. Part of me had loved her, whether it was because she
was my first or because I had really loved her at one point I couldn’t say. 
     When I walked down the halls to my locker it didn’t look like anyone was
looking at me any more than usual. I knew she was probably going to try and
corner me to ask me in person one more time. Sue did seem to be looking at me
differently, but she was the only one. No one else was looking at me at all. I
grabbed my calculus book and Chris came around the other side of my locker to
talk to me. I tried to ignore her as I shoved more things into my backpack. 
     “Come on baby. I love you. Don’t make me do this, I don’t want to do
this."
     “Then don’t,” I said as she shook her head.
     “Baby I can’t lose you. I need you here with me. I want you back. Please
I’ll do anything,” she whispered. 
     “Break up with Billy. Right now. Then maybe I’ll think about it."
     “I can’t do that. Sue saw our texts. I have to keep her off the trail."
     “Or you could just come out.” 
     “You’re really going to make me hurt you. I can’t fucking believe you."
     “I’m not making you do anything. It’s your choice Chris.” My phone buzzed
in my pocket and I saw it was JD to see if the bomb had dropped yet. I turned
away from Chris and walked away to class, texting JD back. I knew that it would
be all anyone could talk about with the hour. Chris would start texting
everyone and put up whatever lie she was concocting. Classes wouldn’t wait for
rumors, no matter how much I wished they would. 
     I sat down next to Carrie and I could see a bunch of the popular guys
eyeing me from their seats. Whispering and laughing as they looked at me.
Carrie thought they were talking about her and put her head down. I hated that
she was used to it, but she would find out soon enough that they were talking
about me. I didn’t know how she would find out, whether it was bathroom gossip,
or if someone walked up to me and said something. But I knew she would find
out. And it might mean the end of our friendship forever. I knew that her
mother was religious, although Carrie didn’t seem to mind that I had two
fathers. I knew that I might lose one of my only friends, but it was something
that I had to face. 
     Calculus was always my hardest class. I had no idea how half of the people
in that class planned on passing it since they didn’t take notes and they
bragged about failing tests. And they were talking even more, whispering and
texting about me, I was sure. One of them kept looking at me like he was
interested in harassing me, which I wasn’t wrong about. As soon as we left to
go to Carrie’s locker he started following us. Carrie hadn’t noticed and opened
her locker like normal. But the kid decided to corner me right next to her.
     “So I hear you’re a lesbo. Would you like me to fix that for you?” I
hadn’t expected him to get right up in my face. I knew that I was going to get
some creeps but at 9 am I was not feeling it. I thought about punching him in
the face, but I had already sent my SOS to JD. It was only a matter of time
before he got there. 
     “Leave her alone Zach,” Carrie came from behind her locker and clutched
onto her books. She looked angry but also nervous as people were looking at us.
I could see Chris smiling from across the hall and it made me sick to think
that she was enjoying this. 
     “Aw, do you want me to leave your girlfriend alone? I just want her to be
normal that’s all. I can fix both of you if you want."
     “Hey leave them the fuck alone.” I was surprised that it wasn’t JD. It was
Tommy Ross with his little girlfriend Sue next to him standing up for me. 
     “There’s nothing wrong with her Zach. And even if she was straight she
wouldn’t pick some nasty creep like you,” Sue spat. Tommy pushed him away from
me and the kid looked a little scared, since he was about half Tommy’s size. He
grudgingly walked away and Carrie grabbed the rest of her stuff. We had a
fifteen minute break and I was going to buy her some food. 
     “Thanks. I really appreciate it,” I refused to look in either of their
eyes. I couldn’t figure out why they would bother to help me, unless Sue knew
the entire truth from the texts and was just pretending to Chris she didn’t
really know. And Tommy had been the one to rush over, with Sue close behind. He
had no reason to defend me. I hated him to the core, all summer I had been rude
to him.
     “Hey no problem. Anyone else gives you any trouble, text one of us. Here,”
he handed me a piece of paper with their numbers on it. I put it into my pocket
and then starting walking with Carrie towards the cafeteria. She didn’t say
anything all the way there, but she was more aware of people staring at me. She
knew now, and I had no idea how she was going to take it. But I still bought
her a muffin like nothing was going on. We sat down and we didn’t really
talk as we ate, but that wasn’t all that unusual. Sometimes I couldn’t think of
anything to say to her. JD came over and I frowned at him. 
     “Sorry I couldn’t find you for awhile. You alright? I heard it was fucking
Moore that bothered you. Ross is talking about kicking his ass after school, do
you want me to get a good punch in for you?"
     “Yeah I’m fine. We would have been fine even if Tommy hadn’t showed his
face. Make sure to text me when you punch him.” 
     “Sure thing. I’ll be sure to get him in his smug little face. I’ll take a
picture if I can, but I’m already in enough fucking trouble at this school.” JD
made an eye motion towards Carrie while she was looking down and I shook my
head. I knew I had said I would tell her, but I didn’t have it in me. I was
hoping that Chris would spread it enough that she would have heard within an
hour or two. Part of me was hoping that she would just decide not to talk about
it and just keep being my friend. But I knew we would probably have to talk
about it.
     “Alright shitstain. I have AP Art so I gotta get going or everyone’s going
to steal the rest of the plasticine. Because the school can spend money on new
football helmets but god forbid they buy the art department more clay.” JD
tussled my hair a bit and walked away with his backpack, nodding his goodbye to
Carrie. We started to go towards A&P, and Carrie avoided looking at me.
Normally I wouldn’t have cared because she had this weird thing with eye
contact. 
     “So…. is it true what that kid said? Are you gay?” She tried to keep her
voice down so other people in the hall couldn’t hear. She still wasn’t looking
at me and I knew this was it, the end of our friendship. 
     “Yeah.” She looked over at me shyly and smiled. She lightly touched my
hand and then went back to walking towards class. 
     “So, do you have a girlfriend right now? Is that how everyone found out?"
     “I have an ex-girlfriend right now. She’s how everyone found out.” 
     “I’m really sorry. Is she who cheated on you?"
     “Yeah. I caught her making out with some guy the first time. Found her
having sex with him on Saturday so I broke up with her.” 
     “I’m so sorry…. If you need anything just let me know okay? I don’t know
how helpful I can be since I don’t have a phone or a computer, but I’ll try my
best.” 
     “Thanks Carrie. I really appreciate it. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to
be my friend anymore.” 
     “I know being gay isn’t a choice. And even if it was, who cares? It’s
about two people loving each other not about procreation. We have enough
homeless children as it is. And you’re my best friend… and my only friend. I
want to be there for you. Besides, I understand the appeal. Girls are really
pretty and they smell really good.” I smiled as she said that. She sounded
pretty gay to me in that sentence but I wasn’t sure if I should call her on
it. 
     “You should come over my house sometime. You could tell your mom that it’s
for A&P or English if you want. We can watch a movie after school. You know,
hangout sometime.” That made her look a little nervous, but she nodded after a
moment of thinking about it.
     “I would really like that. I’ll talk to my mom about going over your house
on Friday? Can you drive me home?"
     “Yeah, I can drive you home. I’ve got you covered there, don’t worry.”
Carrie smiled and I felt a small part of me melt. I had spent so much time
trying to ignore how cute she was that sometimes I forgot that she was. I had
tried so hard to keep even my thoughts completely faithful to Chris. But now I
didn’t have to. I could look at Carrie all I wanted and not expect anything
from her because right now we were just friends. And that’s all we probably
ever would be, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t look. 
 
     The rest of the day was spent with me listening to people talking about
me. Girls saying that they hoped I didn’t hit on them. Or saying that I was
clearly dating Carrie. Boys saying that I was just some kind of challenge to
them and saying that it was a waste that someone like me was a lesbian.
Whatever the fuck that means. But I did my beset to ignore them through the
day, finding a nice calm in study hall. I put my headphones in and no one
bugged me as I worked on all my homework. It was a quiet little space just for
me and I loved how peaceful I felt. Now I didn’t have to hide myself anymore
and that felt amazing. I felt free, no matter what anyone else said about me.
***** Chapter 7 *****
     I got home about the same time I always did. I texted JD and Amber. Amber
was very proud of me coming out at school and told me I should come out on the
internet so all of our friends from Vermont could see. I wasn’t sure that I was
ready for that, and I tried to tell her that while driving. Not texting while
driving but using voice software so I wouldn’t crash into anything. That would
just make my fucking year if I died in a car crash over a fucking text message.
     I parked and saw my Dad’s car in the driveway, something that wasn’t a
usual occurrence. He was the CEO of a huge company now, he was voted in this
year, so he usually worked late. Sometimes he didn’t come home until 2 am,
which I noticed because I was watching videos online and I could hear him going
through the freezer for something to eat. But it almost looked like he hadn’t
left that morning. 
     “Eu, why are you home? Weren’t you supposed to go to work today?” I put my
bag on the chair and he looked over at me from the couch. He shook his head as
he ate another corn dog, something that I would always find pretty gross. He
shook his head and kept watching the basketball game on tv.
     “I decided to take a day off. I haven’t had a weekday off since we moved
here so I thought I could use one. You should go look at your room, there’s
something special for you in there from Yieey and Ta. I told them you were
having a hard time and they gave your Daddy and I some suggestions.” I couldn’t
imagine what they could have gotten me. Maybe some more Cambodian candy. They
had just gone back for a few months to visit some old friends, the few that
were still living after Ta lived through the Killing Fields. He had flew Yieey
and my dad out of there as soon as he could, and my dad had US citizenship now.
Ta was lucky to be alive, but there were a few people who had gone back after. 
     When I got into my room I screamed in delight. I could hear my Dad laugh
from downstairs when he heard me. He had built a large enclosure into the
wall and inside was a beautiful baby snake. It was a Malaysian blood python,
something native to Cambodia. It was a beautiful red with gold and I knew I was
in love. Wild caught was always a problem but I knew they would have bought
from a breeder. They were incredibly docile in captivity if they were bred.
There were other cabinets built next to it, which I dug through. One of them
was a small freezer built in for the food, and the rest had supplies. I checked
the tank obsessively to see if there were any problems that could hurt the
snake and after clearing it I practically jumped down the stairs onto my
father.
      “I thought Daddy said no reptiles! Why would you take the whole day off
to do all that? You didn’t have to do that."
     “Your daddy and I talked about it and he decided he can live with it if it
stays in your part of the house. And your Ta knows a lot more about snakes than
he’d like so they suggested something from home. There isn’t much from that
area that isn’t venomous or enormous but we figured it out. But you have to
take care of it. Neither one of us really want to feed that thing. Besides, we
figured it would cheer you up.” 
     “Well you were right. I’m so happy I might cry. If you need me I’ll be in
my room for the rest of my life!” I ran back up with my backpack and sat down
in my chair near my new pets cage. I read all of the purchase information and
she was a beautiful girl. I opened the cage and took her out gently. She was a
little afraid, squeezing me but she calmed right down and wasn’t aggressive
like I was worried about. I took her weight, marked on the calendar when she
needed to be fed. I yelled down to my dad to make a vet appointment for the
next month to make sure she was growing alright. And then I grabbed my computer
and started to look for names for her. And I decided that Kalianne was a great
Cambodian name. I sent my grandparents an email to say thanks for helping my
dad, since it was difficult to call them. She nestled herself against my neck
as I started to take down different things, checking the inside of her mouth,
her eyes, all of her scales. I would pick her up and then put her back on my
neck. She didn’t seem all that amused but she dealt with me anyways. 
     I put her back gently and then sent pictures to all of my friends. I was
not looking forward to doing my homework now, I just wanted to watch her and
hold her obsessively. Call a herpetologist to make sure there was absolutely
nothing wrong with her an make sure he explained to me every little detail. I
printed every care sheet I could find and checked temperatures and humidity. I
was obsessed. But I had to focus on homework. I knew that I did but she was so
cute. 
     After about 6pm I had accomplished nothing except to make myself
question my ability to care for any animal at all, even the mites that lived on
my skin. I got distracted from my worries when my phone started to ring. It was
a number that I didn’t recognize. It had a familiar area code, like it was from
around where I lived. 
     “Hello?” I couldn’t hear much of anything, except a door slamming a being
locked. I continued to try to talk to whoever had called me, but no one
answered. I heard a girl yell in the background and it sounded vaguely like
Carrie. 
     “Carrie? Carrie is that you? Carrie are you okay? Carrie answer me.” There
were footsteps towards the phone and then I was hung up on. I didn’t know what
to do. Should I call the police? What if nothing was going on except an
argument? I didn’t have any real proof that her mother was abusive to her. But
it seemed like she was and what I heard on the phone made me even more
suspicious. It had been a desperate cry and I didn’t know what to do. I grabbed
my computer and looked up the phone number. There wasn’t a single hit for the
phone number. I went downstairs and grabbed the phone book, which the dads used
for takeout. 
     It was Carrie’s house. Her mother’s name, Margaret White, was listed on
the number. My blood felt like it ran cold. I didn’t know what I should do. I
hadn’t ever been in this kind of situation. I grabbed my phone and started
dialing JD. I waited as it rung, redialing when it went to voicemail. 
     “Whaaaaat do you want bitch? I’m watching RuPaul and hating how fucking
transphobic he is because the only other shit that’s on is Family Guy."
     “JD, I just got a scary call from Carrie’s house phone. It sounded like
she was yelling for help and then the phone hung up. What should I do?” 
     “Hold on. I’ll have my grandma go check on her. We live next door. GRAM!
CAN YOU CHECK ON THE WHITES? MY FRIEND SAYS SHE THINKS SOMETHING'S GOING ON
OVER THERE,” I could hear his grandmother, muffled in the background, “She’s
going to check on them. Carrie’s mom is fucking nuts. My grams called the
police on her quite a few times but pretends like she has no idea who keeps
calling the police.” 
     “I’m really scared for her JD. What if her mom kills her one day? I know
that she’s hurting Carrie… I just can’t prove it."
     “I bet if you lift up her shirt you can prove it. Margaret may be crazy as
shit but she knows where to leave bruises. She hit me with the bible once when
I was younger. Hit me in the chest, left a huge bruise. I was too afraid to
tell anyone.” 
     “You are not helping JD. I’m fucking scared for her. Should I drive over
there and get her?"
     “No, that bitch will call the cops on you. You’ll get arrested for
trespassing. Just wait a minute my grams coming back in.” My leg was shaking in
my nerves. Please be okay Carrie. I will never forgive myself if you’re hurt
and I didn’t call the police. 
     “Gram says that Carrie is praying for forgiveness or some shit. I don’t
know what that means but when Carrie was little that meant being shut in the
closet to pray for forgiveness.” 
     “Why didn’t you tell the police? What is fucking wrong with you?"
     “We tried that. Because it’s religious they couldn’t do much of anything.
We did get her to stop homeschooling Carrie. That’s all we could do man. I’m
sorry but right now we can’t prove anything. My gram has been watching them
like a hawk but we’ve got nothing. Carrie doesn’t want to talk shit about her
mom. Maybe you could get her to admit something?” 
     “I don’t know. I’m going to try and call her. Leave some kind of fake
message.” 
     “Alright. Text me, okay?"
     “Yeah, I’ll text you.” I hung up and redialed Carrie’s number. I waited
anxiously until it went to voicemail. I took a deep breath as it beeped. 
     “Hey Carrie, it’s Laney. I just wanted to make sure you got the notes for
our AP test from Sue. I would like them back tomorrow so can you meet me in the
lobby? Thanks so much, I’ll see you tomorrow in class.” I hung up and was
scared for her. I hoped she would get the message and meet me in the morning.
***** Chapter 8 *****
     I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went into school the next day. I
waited for Carrie in the main entrance, the time getting very close to class
before she actually arrived. Her mother had driven her. Carrie looked very sad
and sullen. Her eyes were sunken in as though she had been crying and hadn’t
slept much. I watched her almost bolt from the car and head for the school. I
waited anxiously as she approached. She didn’t notice me at first and I had to
put my hand on her shoulder before she whipped around to look at me.
     “Carrie are you okay? You called me last night and I heard some things…”
She looked down and away from me. 
     “I’m fine. Just please don’t call my house again. My momma doesn’t like it
when people call the house.” I looked down near her wrist and saw a bruise. It
looked like someone had grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her. 
     “What’s that on your wrist?” She pulled her sleeve down even further and
started to walk towards the door.
     “It’s nothing. I’m fine okay?” I rushed after her, hot on her trail.
     “You’re not okay Carrie. Your mother hurts you doesn’t she?” 
     “It’s not as bad as you think. She’s ill, she needs my help. She needs
me.” She tried to keep her eyes averted from me.
     “Carrie, if you need help you need to speak up. I can help you.” 
     “I’m okay Laney. I know you’re worried but I’m going to be okay.” We
stopped at her locker and she threw some books into her backpack. 
     “I just want you to know… I’m here for you. If you need somewhere to stay
or someone to listen to you I’m right here. Whenever you need me.” 
     “Thanks…” She sounded grateful, but also so sad. I wanted to hold her and
tell her that she would be okay. I would figure out how to help her, I just had
to think of something. I started to look up everything I could on my phone,
hoping she wouldn’t notice. She usually thought I was texting and would ask me
how Amber was. But this morning she seemed less focused, just trying to
survive. Was she always like this? Had she been alone before I had moved? 
     Then I had a brilliant idea. I texted Amber and asked her for her brothers
number. I knew that he could help me, although I knew he would be reluctant at
first. Amber was even reluctant to give me his number. But I knew if I could
call him after school he would help me. Carrie and I started walking towards
class, as we were going to be late.
     “Are you still coming over tomorrow?” 
     “Yeah my momma said it was fine as long as I’m home for dinner.”
     “Do you have any idea of what movie you want to watch?” 
     “I don’t care, you can pick. Just nothing religious please.” 
     “Sure thing. I think we should watch some kind of chick flick. Have you
ever seen the Devil Wears Prada? You’ll love it.” She shook her head, and I had
known that she probably hadn’t seen it. If it wasn’t about Jesus she probably
hadn’t seen it. Her mother didn’t seem like the type of person to have a
television. I kept trying to figure out whether or not I should call social
services. It was a slippery slope, and I knew that they could take her away and
put her in an even worse foster home. 
     Carrie worried me all throughout the day. She hardly said anything to me,
which would seem normal. But she usually had a few things to talk to me about.
Usually we compared reading materials and suggested books to one another from
the library. That was something she could easily pretend was for school. I
suggested many different supernatural fiction books and she found me books to
read as well. She knew I was fond of books about serial killers and
psychological dramas. She had gotten me into Hannibal, which had made me watch
the movies with Anthony Hopkins. 
     By our third class I had started passing notes to her, trying to get her
to talk to me. She then admitted that her throat hurt. When I asked her why,
she said that her mother had dragged her by the hair into the closet to pray
for forgiveness. She asked me not to tell anyone, so I promised I wouldn’t,
even though everything was screaming inside me to tell someone. The police, my
fathers, anyone. JD had been right, her mother was an insane religious fanatic.
But she was adamant that her mother needed her and I almost felt bad trying to
tear her from her own mother. But the bruises on her wrist told me all I needed
to know. 
     We got out of school and I called Amber’s brother Terry. I waited for
awhile by my car while the phone rang. I saw Chris walk by and get into Billy’s
car, making eye contact with me as she got in. I ignored her as I heard the
phone pickup.
     “Hello?” Terry answered as though he was a bit annoyed.
     “Hey Terry? It’s Laney, I need a huge favor.” 
     “Okay, I have class in fifteen minutes. Shoot.” 
     “One of my friends mom is being abusive to her. Do you think we can set up
a camera at her neighbors house to see what’s going on? He’s my friend and
he’ll be totally okay with it.” 
     “You do remember I am a computer science major right? I’m not part of the
fucking FBI."
     “Come on, you used to put cams in the guys locker room. And I’d ask you to
hack into their computer cam but they don’t have one. Please Terry? I think
something really bad is happening to her.” He signed on the other side.
      “Alright, I’ll be over this weekend. I don’t have work this weekend
luckily for you, and your house is right on the way to Vermont."
     “Thank you so much Terry. I owe you one.” 
     “Yeah I know you do. Just don’t tell my sister I’m doing this kind of shit
again. And if they catch you, you hardly know me and I sure as hell didn’t help
you.” 
     “Sure thing Terry. Good luck in class.” 
     “Ok, I’ll text you when I’m leaving on Friday.” I hung up and got in my
car, noticing that Billy’s car was still in the parking lot. Chris and Billy
were making out, and she was looking to see if I was looking. I flipped her off
and turned my car on, driving away angrily. I had too many things to do and
dealing with Chris shouldn’t be one of them. I couldn’t stop thinking about
poor Carrie on the way home, wondering if I should still call social services.
     
     Taking care of my snake was something that relaxed me. I tried not to
think so much as she curled around my neck, lightly squeezing onto me. I
checked all of her tanks temperatures, cleaned it like I was performing a
ritual. She was something that was so calming. She was like a scaled dog,
always so caring and sweet. She could read my emotions, which was something
that surprised me. Everyone always acted as though reptiles were uncaring but
she was so different from what they painted. She was docile and sweet, trying
to tangle herself in hair. I hoped that Carrie would like her when she met her
tomorrow. Chris had said she thought reptiles were disgusting and I had felt
hurt. I kept her on my neck as I started to do homework, until she got tired of
me. But it was nice to have someone to comfort me. 
***** Chapter 9 *****
     “Everything about this is ridiculously illegal. If I get busted for any of
this shit I will sue the shit out of your rich ass,” Terry sighed as we stood
outside hooking up cameras to spy on the White house. I was skipping study
hall, and JD smoked a cigarette in the background. 
     “Yeah Terry, I dare you. My dad is the best lawyer in New England. And
we’re not going to get caught.” Terry rolled his eyes as he hooked up the last
camera and turned it on. 
     “Now I already explained this to you, but I’ll remind you. The
transmission will go straight to your computer, which will automatically save.
You can then watch through all of the footage whenever you want, but it’s going
to live stream to JD’s laptop. Now I’m hoping you know how to scrub through
things because this is 24 hour footage and you probably only want to watch when
they’re actually home.” 
     “Thanks so much Terry. I’m going to sneak back into study hall before the
librarian realizes I’m not in the guidance office. I really appreciate this.” 
     “Yeah you owe me. Let me know if you meet any hot gay guys once you’re in
college. And preferably a Catholic Italian. My sister is really picky about the
guys I date."
     “Will do. Have a safe drive.” He saluted me before walking back to his
truck and I went back to my car. I rushed back to my own car so I could get
back to school. I had to pretend I had been in the school the whole time and
then wait for Carrie to get out of class. I was grateful that the town was so
small. I was getting nervous about her coming over my house. I hadn’t had any
friends other than JD and that had been when I was drunk. I had only hung out
with Amber when I was in Vermont and we had days of sleepovers, usually at my
house since my fathers were rich and she wanted to mooch off our food. Meeting
new people was stressful and I truly didn’t enjoy making too many connections.
Most people liked the theory “The more the merrier”, but I have always believed
that to be bullshit. When you surrounded yourself with people you don’t really
know, you surround yourself with people who don’t really care about you. Having
few close friends was far more worth it, though Chris would disagree. But she
had to be lonelier than she let on. But I shook myself; I had to stop thinking
about her. She was a toxic influence on my life.
     Sneaking back into school was easy enough. No one paid attention at the
front desk and it made me think we should practice some of those safety drills
more, just in case someone came into the school with a gun. It’s not like it
would have been that hard, since I snuck back into the library without anyone
even looking at me. There weren’t any students in the halls, class being in
session. It was an odd thought to have, but I knew that something could easily
happen if they kept doing what they were. 
     I sat back down in at the table I always sat at, only five minutes left of
classes. I started to fiddle with my pen, feeling very nervous. She was going
to see my house, my room. I was going to have a girl I liked over. I had never
invited Chris…. I mentally slapped myself. I didn’t like Carrie. Not like that,
she was just a friend. And I had to keep telling myself that was the truth no
matter what. I would never fall for a straight girl. I had to keep telling
myself that it would never happen, and that I didn’t want it to happen. 
     The bell rang and I sat there frozen, wondering if I should go meet her. I
knew she would be in gym and that I could meet her outside the locker room, or
even go in the locker room. I wasn’t as welcome there now that I was out, but I
could just say I was waiting for someone. But then I would have to see Chris
and Sue, something that I didn’t want. So I decided to stay where I was, and
hope she would figure out where I was. Her not having a cell phone was becoming
a huge pain, but I realized I should have told her where to meet before school.
But I was too nervous to ask her about the details, I just made sure that she
was still coming, that her mother was still okay with the lie we had come up
with. And when she was I didn’t know what to do anymore.
     It was fifteen minutes after school and all the buses were departing as I
sat and twirled the pen in my hand. But I heard the door open and I turned to
see her standing there. She looked the way she always did, hair out of control,
a bit frizzy from gym. She hadn’t taken a shower the way she normally would
have. Her clothes were so covering, and she wore a heavy flannel shirt and
baggy jeans. But to me it looked like she was glowing as she crossed her arms
and smiled shyly. I slowly stood and took my bag, slinging it over my shoulder.
We walked towards each other and my heart started racing as we met in the
middle. We stood in silence for a few moments, until I finally looked down, not
being able to take it anymore.
     “So… are you ready?” I looked back up and she nodded slowly. I gestured to
the door, which I opened for her. She slowly went out before me and I closed
the door behind me. She walked towards the parking lot and we both stopped when
we reached it.
     “Sorry, I can’t remember what your car looks like,” she said nervously. I
smiled at her, not really expecting her to remember it. I had only given her a
ride once. But when I looked around the parking lot I noticed that Billy Nolan
had parked right next to me. He was staring us down from the car, and I was
surprised that Chris wasn’t out of the showers yet and snogging her boyfriend.
The way he grinned at me made me want to commit murder for the first time in my
life. I swiftly tugged on Carrie’s arm towards my car.
     “Quick, Chris’ gross boyfriend is staring at us. Let’s get out of here.”
Carrie looked at me as we rushed to my car. I unlocked it with the key and we
opened our doors at the same time. But Billy couldn’t resist making some kind
of snide comment.
     “Hey dyke! Want to have a threeway with me and my girl?” I whirled around
and looked him up and down before laughing. I took offense but I didn’t let it
show. That would only fuel him.
     “You fucking wish, pencil dick. And besides, if I did your girlfriend,
she’d never go back.” I winked at him and got into the driver seat. Carrie
buckled herself in and looked at me sympathetically as I started to drive away.
I felt quite satisfied as I saw him flip me off as I drove out of the parking
lot.  
     “I’m sorry he said that to you. It was rude, and really homophobic. Not to
mention disgusting.” I glanced over at her, feeling bad that she didn’t know
the whole story. But if I told her everything, she might want to stop hanging
out with me. Chris was terrible to her, but then again Chris was horrid to me
as well. 
     “It’s ok. I’m used to it,” I replied. I didn’t think much of it now,
especially with how I grew up; where I grew up, in the sticks, some people were
much less accepting than they claimed. 
     “But you shouldn’t have to be. You shouldn’t let them treat you like
that.” 
     “They’re just idiots, Carrie. I don’t care about their opinions, I care
about people like you.” I saw her smile out of the corner of my eye. She was
incredibly beautiful, and she kept drawing my eye more and more lately. It
wasn’t that she was the only girl to look at; there were many girls at school.
But she was beautiful on the inside as well, and it made her impossible to
ignore. 
     When we got to my house I was very excited to show her everything. I knew
that we were considered wealthy and I didn’t want her to feel intimidated. I
just wanted her to come over as often as possible. I led her in through the
front door, which she carefully closed behind her. 
     “So, this is my house! We’re going to spend most of our time upstairs, but
this is where my dads spend most of their time.” Carrie stood almost in awe of
my living room. It had never seemed like much to me, but perhaps that was
because I was so used to it. I never thought I was privileged when I was
younger, but in middle school I realized how fortunate I was financially. But
being a lesbian and Asian was something that made the rest of my life
difficult, so being wealthy was like a small prize from life. 
     “Do… do you want to see my room? There’s someone who would love to meet
you.” She looked vaguely confused, but nodded. I launched myself up the stairs
and waited for her at the top. I couldn’t help but smile at her as she came up
the stairs. I tugged on her sleeve excitedly and pulled her towards my room. I
walked to the tank and opened it slowly, whispering words of love to my dear
pet as I pulled her out. 
     “This is Kalianne. My grandparents bought her for me. She’s really sweet,
I promise. She’s only cranky when she sheds once a month,” I grinned as
Kalianne started to move her way through my hair. She was always very fond of
my hair and I giggled as she tickled me. Carrie approached slowly and carefully
put her hand on her, feeling her scales. 
     “You can hold her if you want.” Carrie shook her head and smiled
nervously. But she did not remove her hand for awhile. 
     “She’s really beautiful,” she whispered. I smiled and slowly put her back
in her tank. I felt a weird butterfly feeling when Carrie had said Kalianne was
beautiful. Chris had told me that reptiles were disgusting, and cold. But
Kalianne loved me just as much as a dog could, and she was sweet as any dog
unless she was hungry or shedding. 
     “Thanks. Most people think snakes are disgusting. I’m glad you don’t.” I
noticed her looking around my room. I knew it wasn’t what most people had, but
it was what I called home. 
     “Your room is really pretty.” I smiled and kicked my shoes off before
pulling her out of my room and down the hall. She looked very confused, but
followed me anyways, still smiling. I was happy to see her smile for once; she
always looked so sad, and I hated it. I wanted to take all of her pain away,
just have her live with me instead of with her abusive mother. But I could make
one night every week wonderful.
     I brought her into my movie room and I could tell that she was in awe. It
was my own private theater, and we could watch anything we wanted. I had almost
every movie (well all the good ones) and Netflix. I offered her a seat as I
started up my popcorn machine and opened the closet filled with candy. 
     “We can watch anything you want Carrie. And take any candy you want, most
of it is for company since I don’t eat anything with animal products. Do you
want any popcorn?” I started filling it with the kernels, preparing to make a
lot for myself anyways. Popcorn was my favorite thing about the movies; except
at home I could eat as much as I wanted at a fraction of the cost. I saw Carrie
pick some of the dark mint chocolate candy and sit back down.
     “I’d like some… Can we watch something…. not religious?” She looked down,
almost embarrassed. I knew that must be the only kind of thing she could watch,
if she was allowed to watch anything at all. I smiled and walked over to my
large cabinet and opened it to all my movies. 
     “Don’t you worry, Ms. White. I have anything you can imagine. What kind of
film would you like? An action movie, a romantic comedy, a horror flick? I have
it all, I promise, anything you’re interested in I have in a movie.” She smiled
shyly and looked down at her hands. 
     “Do you have anything about fashion? I really like looking at fashion
magazines…. when I’m able to.” I smiled and noted to myself that I should buy
her a subscription to some fashion magazine. 
     “I have the perfect movie! WE are going to watch “The Devil Wears Prada”.
And we can skip the couple of sexy scenes if you want.” I wasn’t sure how much
she wanted to handle at once; I figured we could take her movie watching
slowly. 
     “No that’s ok. I really don’t want any special treatment. I just want to
be normal.” She looked upset, like she would give anything to be normal.
     “Hey, I can do that. I can swear like a sailor and offer you liquor. Then
we can go to a shitty sports game that doesn’t matter and tee-pee someone’s
house on Halloween. But I don’t think that’s our kind of normal,” I laughed.
And she laughed as well, which made me feel happy.
     “Just swearing is fine with me. Just… don’t treat me differently than you
would JD…. or anyone else.” 
     “I can’t do that Carrie. I like you more than anyone else,” I made a kind
of shy gesture and kicked myself. I didn’t want her to think I was flirting
with her. I was certainly not flirting with her. I heard the popcorn start
popping loudly, so I put the disc in and ran over to the machine. 
     “I like you more than anyone else too.” I turned and saw that she was
looking down at her hands again. 
     “Hey, don’t ever be afraid to say something to me. We’re best friends, ok?
You don’t have to be nervous. Is fake butter ok? I don’t eat the real stuff.
But I can run downstairs and get some of my dad’s if you want.” 
     “No, I’m sure it tastes the same. And Laney….” I turned to look at her,
“Thanks. I’ve never had a best friend before. So I don’t really know what to
do.” I opened the door and put the popcorn in one big bag, adding the fake
butter and salt. I put it in between us as I sat down with the remote in the
other hand. I put my hand on hers for a moment, and smiled when she didn’t pull
away. 
     “Well, best friends spend lots of time together. Amber and I used to do
each others hair and nails… we helped pick out clothes and stuff. Taught each
other how to put on makeup, not that I wear any now. And we always talked a
lot, whether it was about who we liked or didn’t like. We just have to talk…
all the time. I want that for us… if you want, that is. I don’t want to
pressure you-"
     “That sounds amazing. Please…. let’s do it.” Her smile and enthusiasm made
me grin from ear to ear. 
     “Ok, we’ll start by doing Friday night movies! It will be really fun.” 
     “I don’t think my mom will let me do more than one time.” 
     “You could just tell her you’re at school studying with me. Then I can
sneak you home. It’ll be fun, I promise.” She looked a little worried about the
idea of lying, but she nodded anyways. I pressed play on the movie and watched
as her face lit up when I dimmed the lights. I realized she probably hadn’t
been to a movie in her entire life. 
     Through the whole movie I kept finding myself watching her more than the
film. All of her excitement was contagious. And as we both reached for the
popcorn, her hand kept brushing against mine, our eyes kept locking as we both
muttered we were sorry. I wanted to look away, to remember that I couldn’t fall
for a straight girl. But the way the screen illuminated her face, the way she
smiled, gasped, laughed, covered her eyes; it was intoxicating and I couldn’t
look away. And her disappointment when the credits began to roll made me feel
disappointed as well. She would have to go home soon, but I wanted it to last
forever. 
     I heard the door open, signally that it was indeed a little after 5. I
cleaned up, even though Carrie tried to offer her help. She grabbed her things
as we walked down the stairs. In the living room, my daddy was throwing his tie
onto the end table, and put his feet up on the coffee table. I put my hands on
my hips as I looked at him. 
     “Daddy, I just cleaned that glass.” He smiled as he turned his head. 
     “Who’s your friend?” Carrie stood a little more behind me, a little afraid
of being introduced. 
     “This is Carrie. She’s really great Daddy. Is it ok if she comes over
every Friday?” 
     “Of course. We’re going to order out tonight, your Dad has to stay at the
office late. Do you want to stay for dinner, Carrie?” 
     “I would love to, but I have to get home. My mama will be worried if I’m
not there when she gets home.” 
     “Well maybe next time. It was lovely meeting you Carrie.” 
     “Thank you for letting me come over. I had a nice time.” I took my keys
and nodded to my daddy, going out the front door. I didn’t want to drive her
home. But when we pulled into her driveway, she looked relieved that her mother
wasn’t home yet. 
     “Thanks for a great day Laney.” 
     “Hey, we’re going to make it a weekly thing. It’s going to be fun all the
time. I’ll see you Monday. You have my number if you need anything… anything at
all, just call.” She nodded nervously and I watched her walk out to her house.
I waited until she was inside before driving home. I dialed JD on the way home
and he picked up.
     “Yo, what you need pretty mama?” I rolled my eyes, not that he could see.
     “Can you watch the cameras when Carrie’s mom gets home and let me know how
it goes? I don’t want to be the cause of any abuse.” 
     “Yeah sure thing. Did your date go well?"
     “It wasn’t a date asshole.” He laughed as I hung up the phone. I went back
into my house to see my father up, done ordering food for us. He smiled when he
saw me. 
     “Well, she’s very different than you last pick. Polar opposite.” 
     “Daddy, I’m not into her like that. She’s just a friend.” He nodded, but
seemed to ignore what I had said. I couldn’t argue too much. I could feel
myself drifting. Shit. I’m falling for Carrie White.
 
***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Notes
     Pssttttt: Hey guys, I'm back! Just so you know I have a playlist for
     when I'm writing this. If any of you have Spotify it's called Loving
     Carrie White. (just thought I would share it with you guys, in case
     you don't have anything to listen to while you're having feelings.)
     Please enjoy the chapter!!
     Classes began to get more difficult for me to focus on. I made up all the
time I didn’t work in class during study hall because Carrie was in all my
classes. My time in class was spent between staring at her, and arguing with
myself. I had to nip these feelings in the bud, or they would get out of
control. I could feel them happening despite my best efforts, every Friday
becoming a larger challenge, as we started to go through all of the 80’s movies
on my shelf. I had been trying to talk it through with JD, who was of the
opinion that I should go for it. He was no help, and I knew that Amber might be
my only hope. That was until I tested her as well. 
     [Text] Hey Amb, I think I’m getting feelings for Carrie. What should I do?
     [Text] Is she gay? Cuz if she’s gay you should go for it.
     [Text] It’s not like I just fucking asked.
     [Text] Then here you go: Step 1 ask her if she’s gay. Step 2, if she gay
make a move. You go on a date like every week, you have plenty of time to make
a move.
     [Text] I’m not going to just ask her if she’s gay. That’s fucking stupid. 
     [Text] Nah son, just ask her. I bet she’d go out with you. 
     [Text] Even if she is gay, her mom is crazy. She’ll never get to go out
with me. 
 
     I was typing quickly and furiously as Carrie and I walked in between class
and stood by my locker. I didn’t notice that Carrie was waiting for me at
first, I thought she was still getting her books from her locker. 
     “Laney, is everything ok?” I whipped my head up and instantly felt sorry.
I was constantly talking about her behind her back, but I didn’t have the guts
to say it. It was March now; Chris and I had been broken up for five months.
Carrie and I had months of watching movies together; we had gone through The
Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, Saint Elmo’s Fire… all of the 80’s classics. We
had grown so much closer, and she wasn’t as nervous to say things around me
now. 
     “Yeah, I’m just answering Amber… she’s having some boy troubles right now.
I’m not really any help,” I replied. I hated lying to her. 
     “Yeah, I wouldn’t be much help either. Tell her I’m sorry that we’re no
help,” she smiled shyly. I opened my locker and took my books out of my locker.
I threw them all into my backpack, and threw my other book into the locker
before slamming it shut. These emotions were straining my ability to act normal
in our friendship, and I was getting sick of it. 
     “Don’t worry, she knows that we suck.” Carrie smiled. She was finally
starting to get normal, teenager jokes. She wasn’t socializing still but
neither was I. We were the outcasts in the school. JD and I were starting a GSA
that would start the following week. I was hoping that it would be a nice
support group, keeping member confidentiality was important to the two of us.
We weren’t the only queer kids in school, we were just the only out ones. And
there were some things that I wanted to get off my chest; I was hoping to make
more friends that I could confide in about what was happening to me
emotionally. 
     “So what are we going to watch tonight?” Carrie asked as we started down
the hallway. Thus far we had successfully been able to sneak her home every
Friday night. It was lucky for us that her mother worked until 6 or 7 every
Friday, otherwise we would be up a creek without a paddle. I smiled back at her
as we made our way through the crowds. 
     “I have no idea. You can pick tonight, I’m mostly out of 80’s movies. But
the 90’s was pretty solid too, especially in the romantic comedy department."
     “You always do a really good job picking, so I think I’ll let you keep at
it Laney,” she smiled shyly at me. I kept throwing things into my bag, trying
to figure out how I was going to stop getting feelings for this girl. She was
always on my mind, totally consuming my thoughts. I was never going to get into
college at this rate. I had to remind myself that statistically high school
relationships rarely worked out. I had to remind myself that in only a few
months we could be in completely different states. I knew we would still be
friends and I didn’t want to ruin that. But despite my best efforts I found
myself actually taking in interest in my appearance; I had started wearing
makeup and picking cute clothes everyday. She was becoming a major
distraction. 
 
     We were still in almost the exact same classes we had been in the semester
before. AP classes ran all year, and Carrie had put off taking gym for so long
that she had to do both classes this year. So while I was in study hall, she
was in gym with Chris and Sue, being tortured by the bitch squad. Near the end
of the final period I got a text message while I was finishing my calculus
homework. I looked around for a librarian, and when I found none I looked at my
phone. It was a number I didn’t recognize. 
     [Text] Hey Laney, it’s Sue. I was wondering if you would like to come to
my birthday party this Saturday?
 
     I almost laughed when i read the text. She must have gotten my number from
Chris. I couldn’t believe that she could think for even a moment that I would
interested in going to that. 
    [Text] What makes you think I would want to go?
    [Text] I know you and Chris aren’t together anymore, but I miss hanging out
with you. 
    [Text] You hardly even know me. I don’t want to see Chris. She cheated on
me, we’ve been done for months.
    [Text] I just think you two should be able to be in the same room as one
another without being pissed off. Think about it? JD is coming.
 
     JD? Why would he go to that brat’s party? I couldn’t think of any reason
other than to try and get with that girl on the volleyball team he’d been
eyeing for the last two years. He had it bad, and he probably wouldn’t want to
miss a chance to hang out with her. And he would no doubt be texting me within
a few minutes to see if I would go to be his wing-girl. I couldn’t believe this
was happening to me. Sue was ruining my day and it was supposed to be a nice
day with Carrie. 
     I had been so annoyed that I hadn’t noticed the bell go off, or Carrie
come into the library. She lightly tapped me on the shoulder and I almost
jumped out of my skin.
     “Hey Laney, are you ok? You look mad.” 
     “Sue Snell invited me to her birthday party on Saturday. I think JD is
going to make me go to wing-girl him. Can you figure out a viable illness for
me to fake?” She started to fidget with her bag strap as I stood up. 
     “You should go. It could be fun for you.” 
     “Come on! A night with those bitches! I don’t want to go with them. I
thought you were on my side Carrie. Carrie and Laney against the world!” I took
her arm as we started to leave the building.
     “Well you used to hang out with them. Don’t you want to go and be normal
for a couple of hours? I would kill to go to a party.” She was looking at the
ground again. 
     “I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to be a person who only thinks
about themself. I like being different, and I like hanging out with people like
you. You shouldn’t want to be in their stupid group.” 
     “I just want one day where I fit in Laney. I don’t think that’s too much
to ask.” 
     “You fit in with JD and I just fine. Two people who care about you is
better than none. You’re my best friend Carrie.” She smiled a bit as I climbed
into my car. She gently shut the door, while I slammed mine. I was still
thinking about how I was going to get out of that party, but I couldn’t think
of any. JD needed me, and I couldn’t just bail on him. But it was still
frustrating that I would be stuck in the same house as Chris, perhaps for an
entire night. 
 
     We went about our night as normal. I made some popcorn, she took her
sweater off and grabbed some candy. I looked through my movies and picked “10
Things I Hate About You” since we had just finished reading Shakespeare in AP
Literature. Carrie took the remote so I couldn’t skip the previews; she was
always on the look out for something else she might want to watch. While I was
making popcorn she started to look through my movies, something that she did
every now and again. She pulled one out and turned around. 
     “Can we watch this one next week?” She had grabbed “Imagine Me & You”, a
movie that I had recently bought. I hadn’t watched it, but I knew there was a
gay plot line. 
     “Uh…. It’s gay. You might not want to watch it. I don’t want you to watch
anything that would make you uncomfortable.” 
     “Please, nothing could make me more uncomfortable than John cheating on
Allison in St. Elmo’s Fire,” she smiled, using the character’s names from the
Breakfast club. The Brat Pack was always interesting, but it had made her more
upset when we watched the second movie because she had become attached,
especially to Allison and her weird dandruff art. I smiled and put the popcorn
into the bucket, adding my fake butter. I sat down next to her and smiled.
     “We can watch it next time if you want. I don’t see why not. And we can
stop at any point you want.” 
     “Come on Laney, I’m not homophobic. I like to watch love stories and it
looks really cute. I want to watch it. You must get sick of watching straight
people kiss.” I couldn’t really argue with her last point. I was tired of
watching men who were idiots get the girl when they had nothing in common.
Sometimes it reminded me of Chris, sometimes it reminded me of the way Carrie
looked at Tommy Ross. He wasn’t smart or funny. He was just some jock who
looked decent. 
     “Alright, alright! We’ll watch it if you want. I haven’t seen it yet, so
it will be something different for me.” I offered her popcorn as I hit the
menu. 
     I kept spending the movie as always, stealing glances at her. Our hands
would touch, but she wouldn’t apologize anymore. She would just smile
absentmindedly, as though us touching was the most natural thing in the world.
It made me feel butterflies in my chest, the way she looked up at the screen
with such a happy face. We got to the scene where Heath Ledger started singing
to get her to go to prom with him and Carrie turned and looked at me.
     “Do you ever dream about it?"
     “Dream about what?"
     “Going to prom with someone? Getting asked… getting all dressed up?"
     “I haven’t met anyone I’m dying to go with. I used to think about it a lot
in middle school. I would look through prom dress catalogs, searching for the
perfect dress. Now I hardly ever think about it.” 
     “I think about it all the time. Having someone dance with me, wearing the
perfect pink dress. Putting on makeup for the first time. Maybe they’ll even
give me my first kiss.” She looked so far away in her fantasy that I almost
wanted to ask her to go to prom with me right then and there. But…. I had never
wanted to go to prom before she mentioned it. I needed to try and forget these
feelings. She would never like me in that way, and even if she did she would
never admit to it. Her mother would really kill her if she went with me.
     “It could happen. You never know.” She turned back to watching the movie.
She kept eating her candy and popcorn and her hand kept brushing mine. The
longer the movie was on, the more I thought about going to prom with her.
Twirling her around the dance floor, buying her a corsage. Kissing her lips-
I had to shake myself. I had never thought about kissing her before. But it
didn’t seem that bad…. it didn’t seem bad at all. Quite the opposite. And it
was starting to frighten me that I kept picturing myself with her. The two of
us doing each other’s hair the morning of prom; me putting some makeup on her
for the first time, the lip gloss smoothed perfectly over her soft lips.
Dancing around my room to music until we actually had to leave. Seeing her
happy… happy with me. It seemed like an unachievable fantasy, a sick delusion
of mine. 
 
     Saturday night my fantasy was still haunting the back of my mind. I put on
clothes that made it look like I wasn’t trying too hard. I didn’t want any of
those   bitches to actually think I cared about them. JD had come over my house
around noon and waited for me to get ready for hours while he talked about Iris
and how this might be his one big chance. He had finally had a real
conversation with her in AP Art and she asked if he was going to be at Sue’s
party. And of course, Sue trying to be the “perfect ally”, invited both JD and
I to her party. 
     “Come on, can’t you even be a little happy for me Laney?” He was laying on
my bed, panicked the whole day. He kept fidgeting and twirling things. He
dressed just like always, as though he had stepped out of an 80’s movie. He had
his fake leather jacket and his hair just perfect. It was almost time to leave
and I was still putting on makeup lazily with Kalianne around my neck. She had
gotten so big since my grandparents had purchased her. She was sweet and
docile, trying to comfort me while weaving in and out of my hair. 
     “Oh yeah. I’m so happy that I have to be in the same house as my ex and
her disgusting boyfriend,” I grumbled as I put more mascara on. I didn’t want
to look like I was trying too hard, but I did want to hurt Chris. I wanted her
to see just what she gave up for that baboon she called her man, for her false
heterosexuality. 
     “Hey, she’s my ex too. But I really need you to be there for me. I’ve done
so much shit for your weird relationship with Carrie.” 
     “We don’t have a weird relationship,” I snapped. I glared into the mirror
and caressed Kalianne. I knew he was probably aware of my feelings although I
had not confessed.
     “It’s fucking weird Laney. You watch a movie with her every week but you
still haven’t made a move on her. It’s been four months and you’re clearly into
her. You should just talk to her about it. If she doesn’t feel the same way,
you two can just move on.” 
     “JD, she’s my friend. She’s not just some girl I want to fuck, okay? I
don’t want to be without her. I don’t want things to get awkward between us,
and they would get awkward. I mean, do you know anyone who confessed their
feelings that made it through as friends when the other didn’t feel that way?
Because I can’t think of anyone.” 
     “Fine, live in your sad little bubble. Just hurry up, I don’t want her to
wait too long. But I also don’t want to seem like I care too much.” I rolled my
eyes and gently put my snake back into her terrarium. 
     
     I drove JD, although he had tried to convince me to ride on his motorcycle
with him. It had been a hand-me-down from his uncle for his 17th birthday, and
he took great care of it. But I was far too nervous for that, and I doubted my
fathers would like it. Not to mention I couldn’t drive us back if JD got wasted
and then I would be completely stuck with Chris. I parked on the edge of her
lawn, which was already becoming crowded with teenagers. I took a deep breath
and JD put his hand on my shoulder. 
     “Thanks for doing this buddy. I know it took a lot of guts. I just want
you to know it means a lot.” 
     “Yeah, you’re welcome. Just don’t make me stay if it gets ugly.” He nodded
as he climbed out of the car, motioning me to come in. I slowly made my way in
behind him. Though it was only about 7:30pm, people were already starting to
drink and get smashed. Sue clearly had the house to herself that weekend. I
almost threw up when I saw JD fist bump Tommy Ross. But I felt happy for him
when Iris genuinely looked very happy and bashful when she saw him. She looked
like she had jumped out of the 1950’s, so I thought they were probably a match
made in heaven. 
     Sue approached me with a large smile on her face. Tommy followed suit as I
clutched the sweater closer around myself. I didn’t want this to be a big deal;
I just wanted JD to be happy and then go home and sleep off this horrible
night. And perhaps look forward to next Friday when Carrie and I could be
alone. 
     “I’m so glad you made it,” Sue said as she hugged me. I weakly returned
her embrace and she pulled away.
     “Yeah, we missed you hanging out with our group. There was no dark,
sarcastic hipster anymore. Made it mad boring,” Tommy smiled. 
     “Yeah, well I’m here for JD. Thanks for inviting him,” I mumbled as I saw
Chris. Billy was hooked onto her arm but it was obvious to anyone watching that
she was hungrily looking at Tina. I could see that I had quickly been replaced,
as I was sure JD had been. 
     “I had to invite him. Iris is crazy about him! I had to get them together.
They were always almost talking, always sitting next to each other in class.
They were meant to be, just look at them!” Sue beamed. I looked behind them and
saw them at the kitchen entrance. Iris was laughing at something JD was saying,
looking happy and blushing. She wasn’t one of the bitches; she was one of the
pretty girls that was sort of friends with them, but was mostly focused on
trying to get a sports scholarship. She really loved volleyball. JD had been
into her for two years and he had been to every game, even the state
championship. 
     “Yeah… thanks for that. They look really happy.” I hadn’t noticed that
Chris had decided to approach and she was right on top of us before I saw her. 
     “Hey Laney, sooooo glad you could make it. What, no Carrie White on your
arm tonight?” 
     “No, she’s too classy for this kind of thing. I’m just stopping in for
JD.” Chris was clearly already drunk, her speech slurring and extra sugary
sweet. Her smile faded into an annoyed gaze. It looked as though she was going
to make some kind of comment when Billy started to grab her from behind. 
     “Come on babe, let’s take this party to your place.” The way he was
grabbing her made me uncomfortable. I was still upset with her, but I wasn’t
going to let him rape her. 
     “Actually, I thought Chris was going to sleep over with the rest of us
girls. Right, Sue?” I gave Sue “the look” and was pleased that she immediately
started nodding.
     “Yeah Chris, you promised. It’s my birthday.” 
     “Yeah, Billy. It’s her birthday!! I’m staying baby. Tomorrow, I promise,”
she smiled as she pulled away, heading back towards Tina. Billy looked visibly
pissed off, but went back to his red solo cup. 
     “Mind if I use your tv? I’m not really into this sort of thing.” 
     “Sure, go ahead. Do you want anything to drink or eat?” 
     “I’ll be alright. I can get myself something if I need to.” I went and
plopped myself onto one chair that didn’t have someone in it. I turned on the
television and looked for anything, anything at all that would numb me. Tommy
came over and took the remote, pressing a button to bring up Netflix. 
     “Thought that might be more helpful. No one here gives a shit whats on.”
It was true enough, as I heard everyone laughing and drinking. The only sober
people other than myself were JD and Iris. I scrolled through the movies as
Tommy walked away. I settled on Bloomington, which I knew was a lesbian movie,
but I didn’t care at that point. Seeing Chris made me so angry, but her
bringing up Carrie had stuck me in a different way. And through the entire
movie and driving JD home, I could only think about one thing : that I had to
stop these feelings for Carrie. If I wanted to keep our friendship…. I would
have to. 
 
***** Chapter 11 *****
     JD had made me stay so late that I had to sleep over with the rest of the
girls, much to my dismay, while all of the boys were banished to the basement
or the lawn. Most people that weren’t too drunk had already gone home, and
Chris was passed out on the couch in the living room, so I at least didn’t have
to worry about her, since Billy bailed after he learned he wasn’t getting any.
But Tina was glaring holes into me all night. I knew she was Chris’ new girl,
but I decided to ignore her as best I could. I stayed in the corner for as long
as possible, before Sue was grabbing me to go upstairs with the rest of the
girls. 
     Iris could see the panic on my face. And being the only other non-white
girl there, I think she wanted to come to my rescue. Either that, or she was
just trying to thank me for coming with JD. Regardless of her motive, she
started keeping herself close to me, making me feel a little safer than just
being in a room filled with Chris’ friends. The girls were starting to settle
in so they could all paint each others nails with movies on while they loudly
talked to each other. 
     I turned around as the other girls started changing into their pajamas in
front of each other. I didn’t want to be accused of looking at any of them and
I didn’t need any more rumors about me floating around school on Monday. I was
tapped on the shoulder and I hesitantly turned around to see Sue in an
oversized teeshirt. 
     “I know you weren’t planning on staying over. You can sleep in some of my
clothes if you want. It’ll be way more comfortable than jeans.” I nodded and
gave a weak smile. Most of the girls were just wearing large teeshirts from
their boyfriends and skimpy underwear. Sue didn’t seem to be concerned with me
looking at her friends, and I didn’t have any intentions of doing it. Every
time I looked at them I started seeing soft strawberry blonde hair and baggy
clothes, a sweet guarded smile. None of them interested me, despite their
budding bodies.
     “Can I do your nails Laney?” I was shaken out of my stupor to see Iris
smiling at me. I couldn’t help but smile at her as I saw her 1950’s pajamas. I
had no idea how she got all of these clothes, but she looked so good in them.
She hadn’t taken her makeup off yet, her bright red lips and sharp eyeliner
still standing out compared to the other girl’s makeup. I nodded and we sat
down on the floor. She took out a very large makeup bag and started to pick out
different nail polish. 
     “What color do you think you want? I think you’d look great with a black
or a purple. Could you do mine red after?” She was so bubbly and happy. I
couldn’t imagine how she could be so happy in such an odd, racist town where
all the teenagers were vicious. But she was so self satisfied, her warmth
attracted everyone in the area. I couldn’t remember seeing her angry, though I
only had one math class with her. And most of the times I saw her, I was with
JD and she was blushing and looking away, a big smile on her face. 
     “Black would be great. And sure, whatever red you want I can do. But I
won’t be as good at it as you are."
     “I’ve just had a lot of practice. My mom owns a beauty salon in the center
of town and I was obsessed since I was little. She taught me everything I know
about makeup. But my dad taught me everything I know about fixing cars and
volleyball.” 
     “You always look so great. Where did you get all of your clothes?” 
     “Well, my grandma has a lot from the 50’s she had hanging around and she
was about my size. The rest I get from online, or I have Carrie’s mom tailor
for me. She’s great at her job, even though she freaks me out sometimes.” 
     “It must have been really hard for your grandma… Segregation and all. But
her style is amazing, I won’t lie.” I didn’t know how to make that statement
not awkward. It was always a difficult subject to bring up. 
     “Yeah she doesn’t know why I like to dress like I’m in the 50’s since it
was a horrible time in history. It’s hard to explain to her that I like the
aesthetic, but not the rest of it.” She smiled a smile that I knew too well.
She had to explain herself to people constantly, and I felt awful. I felt I
always had to explain my background so people didn’t assume that I was Chinese
or Japanese.
     “I know what you mean. My grandfather still dresses like he has his whole
life, even though he got stuck in Cambodia during the killing fields. I think
he doesn’t attach the two things, though I’ve never really asked him.” She
slowly took my hand and gracefully started painting my nails. I hadn’t had them
painted in a long time. Middle school had been the last time, when I had
allowed Amber to do it during a sleepover. I couldn’t tell if she was so
focused because I had made her uncomfortable or because she was invested in my
nails. 
     “Thank you for coming over tonight. I don’t think JD would have come if
you weren’t here. I know that Chris can be a huge dick to him.” She looked up
and smiled gratefully. I smiled back. Iris and JD were the only reason I was
glad that I came to Sue’s house. They both looked so happy with each other,
even if they wouldn’t admit it. 
     “I couldn’t leave him hanging. He’s been a really great friend to me.
Besides, he’d do the same for me.” I knew if I needed him to supervise one of
my Friday nights with Carrie, JD would be there in a moment to wingman me. 
     “So… does he talk about me?” She looked a little embarrassed, and tried to
focus on her task. I laughed and she looked up, her eyes hopeful.
     “You mean… he didn’t ask you out tonight? He’s crazy about you!” 
     “Well…. I think he was going to, but then Tommy wanted him to hang with
them outside. I was really hoping that tonight would be the night…” 
     “Hey, he’ll still be here in the morning. And if he doesn’t ask you, you
should ask. Don’t let the patriarchy get you down, girls can ask people out
too.” 
     “Well, what about you? Have you asked Carrie out yet?” 
     “No, we’re just friends.” I tried not to let the disappointment seep into
my voice, but I think she heard it from the way she looked at me.
     “Please girl. Everyone knows you two are sweet on each other. You should
go for it. Carrie clearly really likes you, and you clearly really like her."
     “I don’t want to ruin what we have. She’s too important to me… I’m kind of
waiting for her to make the first move. Because then I’ll actually know she has
feelings for me and that I’m not reading it wrong.” 
     “That’s kind of what I’ve been trying to do. JD and I are always staring
at each other… and he’s always at my volleyball games. I couldn’t tell if he
was into me or if he was just the volleyball team’s biggest fan. But Sue asked
him for me and that’s how I ended up inviting him to the party. He’s really
great…” 
     “Yeah I can’t tell if Carrie is just really glad to have a friend to hang
out with or if she has feelings for me too. She picked a lesbian movie for us
to watch next Friday and I can’t tell if she’s trying to tell me something or
if she just wants to let me know she’s not homophobic.” It felt good to let all
of this go with another girl. It was so hard to keep this from Carrie, but I
couldn’t just come out with it in case she wasn’t into me at all. 
     “Come on Laney. That is a huge sign that she’s trying to tell you
something. 98% of straight girls don’t just go up to their gay friend and be
like, ‘Let’s watch this lesbian movie, it’ll be fun and educational!’,” she
laughed as she finished up my nails. Then it was my turn to take her hand. But
I turned my head for a moment and realized they had put in “The Devil Wears
Prada”, making me think of Carrie and how much she had loved that movie. 
     “That’s what I thought too, but I’m not so sure. I mean her mom is super
religious and if she is trying to figure her sexuality out I don’t want to push
her too fast. Besides, her home situation isn’t really safe for her to come
out, you know? The last thing I would ever want is for her to get hurt.” 
     “Yeah I get the safety first thing. Not everyone can be as lucky as you
and JD with their living situation. Carrie’s mom is super crazy and she only
has one more year of that left."
     “I hope she only has one more year. She hasn’t told me about applying to
any colleges and it’s kind of worrying me. Who the hell wants to stay with
their crazy parent forever you know?"
     “Maybe she just wants to get a job first and try community college. I
don’t see why though, she’s got the grades to get a good scholarship,” Iris
gently took the hand I had just finished and blew on it, then shook it around
for good measure. I wasn’t sure what to say to that; Carrie living at home
while attending college would just be a continuation of her hell. Her mother
would still impose the same trick rules she always had and would perhaps become
even more violent, as she had appeared to have gotten over the years. I didn’t
want to imagine Carrie being twenty-two and still being covered in bruises as
she ran to her final exam. But I also didn’t believe she would make it to
twenty-two if she stayed there.
     “Maybe I’ll ask her when she comes over next Friday. I don’t want to put
her on the spot but I’m worried about her. I’ll just casually bring it up or
something.” 
     “If she needs any help my dad is an an admissions counselor. He could
always help her put her resume together. I’m finishing mine because I want to
do theatre hair and makeup, or be a movie makeup artist.” She took her other
hand and repeated her previous attempts to dry her nails. 
     “Wow that sounds really fun. I’ll run it by her to see if she’s
interested.” 
     “Ok girls, who is ready for some cheesy horror movies?” Sue was holding up
a bunch of different 70’s and 80’s horror movies and all the girls clamored to
pick the one they wanted to watch first. Iris and I climbed under a blanket and
curled up next to each other while the girls giggled at all the cheesy jump
scares and horribly done scenes until we both fell asleep sitting up.
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Summary
     Sorry I haven't posted in a billion years guys. Lost a lot of
     inspiration, but I'm going to finish this eventually.
    “Welcome everyone, to Gay-Straight Alliance, a club that will hopefully
empower you to fight homophobia and transphobia in school. My name is Jason
Dean, but just call me JD, and this is our lovely co-founder, Laney Higgins. If
you have any personal questions after we’re done our first meeting, feel free
to email either of us. Our phone numbers are on your sheets too…” JD’s voice
seemed to fade into the background as Tina sat across from me, piercing daggers
at me with her eyes. The group wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be; there
was JD and Iris as expected, a bunch of drama and band kids, a couple other art
geeks that JD hung out with. But I hadn’t honestly expected Tina to show up,
and beside her was Tommy Ross and Sue Snell, trying to be the supportive
straight people. It would look good on their college resume, and as much as I
wanted to kick them out I knew I wasn’t allowed to. It wouldn’t be much of a
GSA if I eliminated straight people from the equation, though, in my opinion,
we don’t need their approval.
   “So to start things off, Laney and I will introduce ourselves properly and
then we can just go around the circle. Hi, my name is JD and I’m trans.” I
stiffened a little, realizing it was my turn. It almost felt like alcoholics
anonymous.
   “Uh, I’m Laney and I’m a lesbian. I want to become a herpetologist?” I added
the question at the end because I wasn’t sure how to make this experience any
less awkward.
   “I’m Iris and I’m pansexual.”
   “Hello, my name is Alex, I’m gender fluid and pansexual.”
   “Uh, hi I’m Tommy and I’m straight… but I want you all to know I’m here to
support you,” he finished awkwardly.
   “I’m Sue, and uh… what Tommy said.”
   “You all know who I am. I’m bi,” Tina rolled her eyes in annoyance as she
continued to scroll on her phone, ignoring the rest of us as they went around.
There were a few people who weren’t sure yet, and that was fine. JD and I tried
to be supportive through the rest of the meeting, which was only about 45
minutes because on Tuesday's drama practice had multiple rehearsals that lasted
until 9 pm, and we didn’t want to exclude anyone.
   As everyone scooted out to practices and rehearsals, I threw things in my
bag now filled with emails and phone numbers of everyone in the group. Tina
came up to me while JD and Iris were busy looking at each other. I tried to
ignore her because I didn’t want to get into a fight over a girl that I was
finally getting over and had no interest in getting back with.
   “Tina I’m not really interested in fighting today ok? I have a calculus exam
tomorrow and I’m already tired, so can we save it for another day?"
   “Calm down, I’m not here to fight either. I wanted to call a truce, alright?
I know you’re into Carrie now, I’m not scared of you.” She crossed her arms
over her chest and looked around like she was worried about someone hearing us.
She reminded me of myself a few months back, caught under Chris’ spell.
   “Ok, truce. What do you want?” Tina looked around like a paranoid stoner
before bringing her face closer, looking nervous.
   “Was she sleeping with Billy when you two were together? Is that why you
broke up with her?” I could see the pain in her eyes as she tried to dodge eye
contact with me.
   “Yeah. I’m sorry Tina, she’s not going to change. She wants to be popular
and she’s not going to give that up for anyone.”
   “I know. She loves you, not me. If she wouldn’t give him up for you, she
sure as hell isn’t going to for me. I just couldn’t get a straight answer from
her, so I figured I would ask you.”
   “You have my number if you want to talk. I’m always here. I know I’m not
anyone’s go-to person for this kind of thing, but I’m here to listen."
   “Thanks, I appreciate it,” she saw JD and Iris walking towards us and
started walking away before she turned around and said,         “Stay away from
her bitch.” I couldn’t help but smile as I saw her shuffle out the door,
feeling a buzzing in my pocket. The text only said, “Sorry” from a number I
didn’t have in my phone yet.
   “What the fuck was that about Lane? That Tina is fucking crazy,” JD put his
hand on my shoulder and Iris shrugged.
   “Eh, she’s not really that bad. She’s fun to hang with after team stuff, you
just have to chill with her outside of school,” Iris said, fixing her headband.
   “Cut her some slack JD, she’s going through the Chris whirlwind. You know
what that’s like. At least she isn’t delusional enough to believe she’ll leave
Billy for her like I was,” I murmured as we started out the door.
   “True that true that. But I don’t want to talk about her today, I wanna talk
about your plans with Carrie on Friday. We gotta come up with a game plan!
Friday is the night! You gotta make a move. Maybe you could get some mood
lighting, do the yawn arm over the shoulder-"
   “I appreciate the thought, but it’s not going to happen. I’m not going to
ruin my friendship just because I’m getting feelings for her."
   “Come on Laney, if this isn’t the biggest signal in the world then I don’t
know what is! You at least have to ask her if she likes anyone, then you’ll get
a bigger hint.”
   “I’m done talking about it JD. Thanks for your opinion, as always,” I rolled
my eyes and waved goodbye as he and Iris went towards the gym for volleyball
practice.
   “So, ugh… what do you want to watch? We still need to get working on some
other 90’s movies. You still have so much more to catch up on.” I started
popping the popcorn and pretended to forget what she had suggested we watch
last time. I was secretly hoping that she would forget all about it. I didn’t
want to deal with potentially awkward conversations that would follow, or worse
we would not talk at all.
   I barely heard her crack open one of the cases and slide the DVD into the
player. It made the heavy rotating sound. I dowsed the popcorn with butter and
salt and turned around to see the loading credits, Carrie totally enthralled by
movies she hadn’t seen yet. It was like going with Amber to the movie theaters
and she whispered excitedly that we had to see just about every movie that was
advertised as coming out in the next year or so. She had figured out the remote
by now and clicked the play button and I felt myself starting to shake as I sat
down next to her.
   “I already know how this is going to go. She’s going to end up with Luce,
who is clearly a better fit. Not that he’s bad or anything,” Carrie commented
in between a mouthful. The scenes started to blend together as the wedding had
ended and Rachel tried to set up her future lover with her male friend.
   “You only know that because of the cover. And because it’s on my shelf," I
laughed.
   “Not just that! I mean, Heck is nice but they have nothing in common. That’s
really important, despite what all the 80’s movies we’ve been watching say to
the contrary. Oh look, Luce just said something really cute about true love!” I
smiled as I sunk more comfortably into the chair.
   It was difficult to sit next to her with actual feelings. She kept gently
touching me, and it didn’t go unnoticed when the movie got to a part where they
were almost holding hands. I could feel her giggling in the awkward supermarket
scene against my skin. I kept my eyes towards the front and tried my best to
ignore her. But when they started kissing I could tell she was looking at me,
that she had completely turned her head away from the screen.
   I slowly turned my head towards her. Her eyes were a light green and they
sparkled in the light of the movie. I don’t know what I was expecting, but she
leaned towards me. I stopped breathing and my heart slowed to a beat a minute.
She was staring directly at my lips, like in all the movies. Her lips brushed
so gently against mine it was as though they were not even there at all.
   We sat in utter silence for the rest of the movie. I didn’t know what to
think, except that I liked it and I desperately wanted it to happen again. But
I didn’t want to tell her that; I hadn’t wanted the kiss to happen in the first
place. Well, I did, but not like this. I had hoped she would be away from her
abusive mother so she wouldn’t have to worry about being murdered over her
sexuality. The credits rolled and Carrie’s fidgeting became more apparent from
my seat.
   “I’m sorry Laney… I don’t want you to think I just did that because you’re
the only lesbian I know. I really like you.. I just need to figure some stuff
out. I don’t expect you to wait for me to figure myself out…”
   “It’s ok… I mean… I really like you too. But I understand if you can’t
because of your mom…"
   “It’s not just that. I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean… I’ve never had
time to figure it out. I’ve been living in constant fear for as long as I can
remember. I’ve just been the girl my mother wants me to be. But when I’m with
you… I like myself. And I really how I feel when I’m around you.”
   “I understand! High school is supposed to be about finding yourself, you’re
just starting a little later! I started pretty late too, I wouldn’t even admit
I was gay until this year!” My heart was racing and I thought I would die of
embarrassment. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her lips and I felt
guilty.
   “But… I’d like to do that again sometime… soon.”
   “I would really like that, Carrie."
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