Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1366267.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage, Major_Character_Death
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      My_Chemical_Romance
  Relationship:
      Frank_Iero/Gerard_Way
  Character:
      Frank_Iero, Gerard_Way, Mikey_Way, Ray_Toro, Bob_Bryar, OC_-_Character
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, Alternate_Universe_-_Boarding_School,
      triggering, Suicide, Self-Harm
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-03-25 Updated: 2014-09-02 Chapters: 24/? Words: 21680
****** Love is Totally Punk Rock ******
by gayisnotasynonymforailsa
Summary
     Frerard Prep School AU
     Gerard is a new kid, and a total dork. Frank thinks he's too punk
     rock for Gee.
     **TW: suicide, depression, self-harm. Also drug use/abuse**
Notes
     I changed the ages so they would be in school together (it makes me
     uncomforatble, too). I made them all the same age (making Gee and
     Mikey twins) so they are in the same grade. Sorry! ~Ailsa
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter One *****
Frank stared at the boy across the room.
“He's never gonna make it,” he leaned over to tell Ray.
“Who?” Ray asked, clearly having not payed attention.
“That kid. The one with the comic books and the long greasy hair. He's never
gonna make it.” Some jock pushed the kid, making him drop his comics. “See?”
“Why don't you talk to him? If he's never gonna make it, maybe he should be
less lonely.”
“Dude, I don't know. I don't wanna seem stuck up or anything, but I wanna make
it. I don't want some loser bringing me down.” Frank took a drag from the
cigarette between his fingers.
“Just talk to him.” The same jock was kicking the kid's books.
“Okay, fine. But you owe me, kay?” Frank dropped the cigarette and ground it
into the earth with his sneaker, then sauntered over to the boy.
Gerard had almost finished picking up his comics. Why prep school? Why here? He
knew his parents wanted him to get a good education, but after leaving his last
school to avoid getting beat up again, he wasn't sure this one would be
different. At least his brother, Mikey, would make friends. The kid was quiet,
but better with people than Gee.
Some guy was walking over to him, a short yet punk kid. The bulky blond in the
football jersey yelled out at him.
“Where the fuck you think you're going, Iero?” The guy, Iero, didn't answer. He
pushed past the jock and picked up the last of Gerard's comics. He silently
handed it to Gerard, and started to walk away.
“Hey! Wait!” He ran after the guy. The boy turned around, the front of his
punk-style mohawk flipping in his face. “What's your name?”
“Frank. You?”
“Gerard Way. I'm new here.”
“That's why I've never seen you before. You're a new kid. You like comics?” He
indicated the faded X Men issue in Gee's hand.
“Yeah.”
“Comics are cool. Do you listen to music at all?” Frank started walking.
“Sort of, I guess. Not often.” Gerard could sense the awkwardness of the
conversation.
“Where's your dorm?” Frank asked the new boy.
“Second floor in the main building. I gotta go and unpack, so, um, bye!” Gerard
ran off, his suitcase bouncing over the bumps in the sidewalk. Frank watched
him as he left.
“What a dork,” he mumbled to himself, before walking away.
Gerard stared at the blank wall in his cell like dorm. He was glad he didn't
have a roommate, his people skills numbered zero and he was a slob. He'd barely
unpacked, his suitcase lay on the floor, and his sheets weren't even on his
bed. The only organized things were his comics and his notebook, neatly stacked
on his desk next to his pile of textbooks. He thought about drawing or writing
something, but he really didn't feel like it. He knew this place was gonna be
the same. But that kid Frank gave him hope. Maybe not everyone at this place
was a clone. He decided that he would at least attempt to make friends with
Frank. The guy seemed nice, he'd helped Gerard with his comics when that
asshole kept kicking them. Or maybe this would end up fizzling out just like
every other friendship Gerard had had. Well, other than his friendship with his
brother. His twin, Mikey, was his best and only friend in the world. But lately
Mikey and him had grown apart. They just weren't doing things together anymore.
But at least Mikey wasn't popular, another one of those fucking clones. Prep
schools were for clones, but rich clones. They made you all dress the same and
do sports and live in fucking cells. Gerard hated it. But he had to go through
it. At least he had his art.
Frank's first period class was Chemistry. He didn't mind it, the teacher was a
younger guy who cracked jokes and hated the system, but he didn't have any
friends in the class. Then again, that guy Gerard was there. Gerard was sitting
three seats down, intently scribbling something in a sketchbook. There was no
space between them.
“Psst!” Frank whispered. “Gerard!” Gerard whipped around, some of his dark hair
hitting him in the face. “Move over!” Gerard slid his bag and notebook down the
table, and moved to the seat next to Frank. Gerard continued to draw, not
paying any attention whatsoever to the class or Frank, who wanted to know what
he was drawing, but was too afraid to ask. The class droned on and on until the
bell rang. Gerard picked up his things immediately and bolted for the door. But
not before Frank could catch a glimpse of Gee's notebook. In it there was a
picture of Frank, with a superhero mask.
Frank was laying in his bed, thinking about Gerard. The kid was probably gay,
and he didn't mind it, he just didn't want people thinking he was gay, and if
he kept hanging out with a gay guy, rumors would spread. Not that he cared what
other people thought of him or anything. He was too punk rock for that shit.
But he wanted to maintain his reputation. He already hung out with Ray a lot,
and didn't have a girlfriend, so he already could get some damage. But he
couldn't get the drawing of him out of his head. It was perfect, it couldn't be
anyone else. And Gerard had drawn him so well, like he spent hours and hours
studying his subject. But they'd only known each other for a few days. The
whole thing was crazy. Like it was a chick flick, and they were psychic soul
mates or something. But it was real. They were just guys in high school. It
couldn't be.
Ray's opening of the door disturbed Frank from his thoughts. “You know dinner's
out, right?”
“Yeah, but school food's shit. Get me some ramen and a microwave.” Frank tossed
a hackey sack into the air, catching it in his hand. He couldn't get that
stupid fucking image of Gerard's drawing out of his head. Maybe the guy was
just drawing him because he was fun to draw. Frank was one of the more
attractive people he knew.
“Gerard's down there, looking for you.”
Frank dropped the hackey sack onto his face. He jolted up. Maybe he could
confront the kid. Or something. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. He stood
up. He hoped it was.
Gerard sat in the corner of the dining hall, waiting. Maybe Frank wasn't gonna
show up. He wanted a friend, and Frank was the closest he'd ever come to having
one. But maybe he'd scared him off or something. Gerard did spend all his time
drawing, as a coping method to block out the world. And he liked Frank. Not in
a gay way or any thing, he just thought the guy was cool. He'd even tried to
make him into a superhero, one of the Killjoy Gang. He still needed a name for
Frank's Killjoy persona. Gerard was Party Poison. And he liked that. Party
Poison was everything Gerard wasn't. Cool, strong, confident. And Mikey was
another one of them, Kobra Kid. The Killjoys were cool, ten thousand times
better than real humans.
Frank ran down the stairs, his mohawk flopping in the breeze. He could see
Gerard in a corner, hunched over his sketchbook. He decided he would slow down,
and act like he had no clue Gee would be down their. Or maybe he shouldn't,
considering how lonely the kid was. But he didn't want to seem desperate. In
his attempt to make a decision, he fell down the marble staircase with a loud
crash.
“Smooth move, Frankie,” he muttered to himself as he got up. Gerard had seen
him. The kid was looking up, his round face full of hope. Frank made eye
contact, and watched as Gee blushed. Frank forced himself not to crack a smile.
The kid cared about him, it was cute. But smiling wasn't punk rock, and neither
was Gerard's cuteness.
“Um, hey,” Gerard said, barely audible, as he walked toward Frank.
“Hey,” Frank replied, giving a confident (and punk rock) smile.
“I was wondering if you were gonna show up,” Gerard confessed. “Not that I was
waiting for you or anything,” he quickly added.
“It's fine. I don't usually come to dinner, but I was hungry tonight.” Frank
hoped the kid wasn't thinking he was anorexic or anything. He just usually
'dined elsewhere', as he liked to call it.
“Why don't you usually eat dinner?” Gee asked.
“Reasons.”
“Can you tell me?”
“No.” Frank bit his bottom lip. “But I can show you.”
***** Chapter Two *****
“Are you sure this is alright?” Gee asked as he watched Frank climb over the
chain link fence at the edge of the school grounds. “Like, we won't get caught
or anything?”
“Nah. Anyway, if we do, we can make up some bullshit story to explain
ourselves.” He grinned. He was almost over the fence. There was a large thud as
Frank landed on the other side, and shouted, “FREEDOM!” He could hear Gerard
giggling, and watched his face through the gaps in the metal. His smile was
stupid looking, yet adorable. Gerard possessed the quality of complete and
utter dorkiness with a touch of cute-as-fuck. Frank laughed as he attempted to
climb the fence. It wasn't his weight that was the problem, or his greasy hair
in his face, or even the fact that he had probably never climbed a fence to
ditch dinner in his life, it was because he was laughing so damn hard.
“Idiot,” Frank muttered under his breath.
“What did you say?” Gerard asked, still struggling.
“Nothing.” Frank flashed a smile. An almost flirtatious smile. But he was
flirting. Was he? He wasn't gay, and he had a reputation. He couldn't keep it
and flirt with Gerard, class a dork. He decide the smile was totally 100% not
flirty. Meanwhile, Gerard was still having issues with the fence. Frank laughed
as he fell for what must have been the twentieth time. “Need a little help?” He
asked.
“Just a bit.” Frank walked over to fence, scaled it, and dropped to the ground.
Gerard was sitting on the wet grass, clearly have given up. “Stand up,” Frank
said. Gerard stood up. “Now, I'm gonna give you a boost, like a fucking
cheerleader mount. Step on my hand.” Frank cringed as Gerard put his entire
weight on Frank's fingers. Finally, Gerard was over the fence. Frank leaped up
and climbed it.
“Show off,” Gerard muttered. “Now where the hell are we going?”
“This way, Way.” Frank led him down the moonlit path to a street. A car zoomed
past. “Stick out your thumb like this.”
“We're hitchhiking? What if we get picked up by, like, a serial killer or a
teacher?”
“Relax. All the teachers are at dinner, and I have a knife. We're gonna be
okay.” Gerard wondered how someone so small could be so confident. He was a
short sixteen year old punk against the rest of the fucking world.
Unwillingly, Gerard stuck out his thumb, and walked backwards with Frank,
trying not to trip over his own feet. Unsuccessfully. As he stumbled backwards,
a red van pulled up. Frank slid open the door, hopped inside, and motioned for
Gerard to do the same. He uneasily followed, and shut the door behind him.
“The diner on second street, please.”
“Sure thing.” The driver was a young guy, mid 20s, with long hair. Gerard
relaxed a little. Serial killers were usually middle aged. He watched as Frank
made small talk.
“So, where are you headed?”
“The city.”
“Where you from?”
“Here.”
“What's your name?”
“John. You?”
“Frank. This is my friend, Gerard.” He motioned to the wide eyed boy next to
him.
Finally, the van pulled up in front of the diner. The boys got out, and Frank
tossed the driver a pack of cigarettes. “Payment.” he yelled, as John shut his
window.
“So this is where we were going? A fucking dive?”
“It's the diner. You'll like it. It's fine. The coffee's actually pretty damn
good.
“I don't have any money.”
“It's fine. I'll pay. Or we can go into prostitution. Your choice.” Gerard
laughed. He followed Frank into the dimly lit diner. A busty waitress walked
over to their booth.
“What'll it be today, boys?” She grinned at Frank. “The usual?”
“Yeah. And my friend wants the same.” Gerard gave Frank a what-the-flipping-
fuck-are-you-doing look. “Don't sweat it. The veggie burgers here are
orgasmic.”
“Veggie burgers?” Gerard asked, his eyes wide.
“Yeah. I'm a vegetarian, so its what I live on. The ones here aren't shit like
the ones everywhere else.”
“Since when is being a vegetarian punk rock?” Gerard joked.
“Since I became one.” Frank gave that trademark smile, and Gerard had half a
mind to kiss him. But Frank was a guy. And Gerard wasn't gay. And people would
talk. He couldn't. Never.
The waitress, Kelly, brought out a tray and two plates. The burgers were
stacked as high as big macs, and looked equally as appetizing. She poured the
coffee for them into two mugs. Gerard eyed the burgers suspiciously. “This is
actually vegetarian? It looks... tasty.”
“Yep. They taste like real meat. It's fucking great. Nothing died, but it's
delicious. Try it.” Gerard took a bite, shoving the entire burger into his
mouth.
“It's... great!” Gerard said, between bites.
“Weren't expecting it, huh? You'll get used to it. These are cheaper than beef
anyway, and you got the guarantee it was treated well, cause it's not alive.
Try the coffee, too. It's suberb.” Frank added a creamer and some sugar to the
steaming mug while taking another humongous bite.
“For someone so sure you sure eat a fucking lot.” Gerard noted. Frank glared at
him. “Sorry.” Gerard mumbled.
“No, it's totally fine. It's just that people are sometimes rude about my
weight.”
Gerard stared. “But... You're skinny! Well, not skinny, average weight.”
“Apparently I'm a fatass.”
“No, I'm the fat one.” Gerard looked down at his body. He wasn't grotesquely
overweight, but he was chubby. He hated it. He always drew Party Poison as
skinny.
“No, you're not. If anyone says so, I'll fucking bash their skull in.” Gerard
smiled. As he sipped his coffee, for the first time in his life he felt like he
belonged.
***** Chapter Three *****
Frank left a tip in the form of a cigarette, and left his phone number on the
check. Gerard took a mental picture of the digits- (555) 727-3481. It wasn't
creepy. He just wanted to be able to contact Frank. The short punk led him out
of the diner and into the alleyway.
“What are we doing here?” Gerard asked.
“Hanging out.” Frank leaned against the wall. He pulled a lighter from his
pocket, and flipped open the cigarette carton. He placed the cigarette between
his teeth, and lit it. He took it out of his mouth, and breathed out the smoke.
“Want one?” he asked Gerard.
“Um, I,” Gerard stuttered. “I've never smoked before.”
“Try it. If you like it, you can have it. If you don't, get rid of it and never
smoke again.” Gerard uneasily took the cigarette from Frank's hand. He was
surprised Frank gave him the same cigarette he had just been smoking. Frank had
obviously noticed. “I didn't want to waste it.”
Gerard placed it in his mouth, and breathed in just a little bit. It tasted
like ash, close to what Frank smelled like (because he smoked so much). Before
he could breathe in anymore, he started coughing.
“Fuck, you don't have asthma or anything, right? I never asked. Oh shit. I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have given you that smoke. Fuck!” Frank cursed loudly.
“No, it's fine,” Gerard said between coughs. “I'm just not used to it.”
“Do you like it?” Frank asked?
“Yeah. It's nice. Gives me a real rush, and the taste...” He hesitated from
saying, 'reminds me of you.' “The taste is really great.”
The stood in that dark alleyway, smoking for a good while in silence. Then,
Frank broke it with a question. “So, what are you?”
“What do you mean?” Gerard asked.
“Like, gay or straight. Your sexuality.” Gee's heart fluttered in his chest. He
knew. He knew. He was gonna lose the only friend he'd ever had due to being
gay. He started to tear up.
“I- I'm gay. I don't know. I'm sorry. You can't tell anyone. Please. Not even
my brother. I don't know what people will think. Please don't stop talking to
me. I- I've never had a friend before.” By the end of the monolouge, Gerard was
sobbing. Frank was gonna leave him. His only friend. And he would tell everyone
in the school. And Mikey would tell their family. He couldn't risk losing them.
He needed to do something. To stop Frank from talking. But what?
“It- It's okay,” Frank said, comforting him. In that moment, he wasn't thinking
about his reputation, he was thinking about Gerard. “I won't tell anyone if you
don't want me to. It'll be okay.”
Gerard stared at him, his eyes wide. “Y- you won't?”
“Yeah. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'll take it to my frigging grave. And I
don't care if you're gay. I just was wondering.” He gave a little smile to show
that he was telling the truth. “Don't worry about it.”
Gerard smiled, wide and meaningful. He felt like he could trust Frank. He felt
safe with him, it was strange. He never felt save around anyone. And then
suddenly, after knowing this guy for two days, he felt safe and trustworthy.
Like everything was better and the world was gone when he was around Frank.
“So, do you like to draw? I saw you had a sketchbook today in class,” Frank
asked.
“Yeah. I like comics a lot. I wanna be a comic book author or artist when I get
older.”
“I wanna be in a band. Play guitar and shit. But that'll never happen. I'm not
good enough, and even if I was, punk's fucking dead. Real music doesn't exist.
It's only that boy band shit on the radio.”
“Yeah? I used to sing when I was younger. Don't tell anyone, though. Only Mikey
knows.”
“What kind of music?”
“Rock, metal, punk. I'm not that good, though. And I only listen to music on
occasion. I got this Discman, and a couple of CDs. Not too much.”
“Nice.
They talked for hours about their futures and their interests. They stood in
that alley until midnight, when they caught a rid back to the campus in the bed
of a truck whose driver didn't even know they were there. When they got back,
they scaled the fence once more and used an unlocked backdoor to get back into
the building, and dashed up to their rooms. Gerard stood at the door to his
room, watching Frank walk away. He was incredible. His spirit, his energy, how
passionate he was about music, how he was so short but he made Gerard feel
small. How he was punk, and how he'd made an image for himself. How he didn't
care what people thought of him. How he treated Gerard like a human being.
Everything about him was just incredible. He was incredible. And Gerard was
falling in love, even if he didn't know it.
Gerard closed the door to his dorm room, grabbed the discman, and fell asleep
with headphones over his ears, and Iron Maiden playing.
***** Chapter Four *****
Frank leaned over Gerard's shoulder to see his drawing. “Which one is that?” he
asked.
“That's Party Poison, you idiot. He's the best one.” Gerard said, indicating
the Killjoy in his sketchbook.
“When are you gonna finish Fun Ghoul?” Frank asked. It'd been just over two
months. They were best friends, doing everything together. And every night
sneaking out to the diner and the alley for cigarettes, coffee, and veggie
burgers. Gerard had nearly mastered the art of climbing the chainlink fence.
“You mean your Killjoy? Narcissistic bastard. He's almost done. I decided to
give him long hair and no mask.”
“What color hair?”
“Black. Party Poison's the only one with colored hair.”
“Whose the narcissistic bastard now, though? Only you get pretty red hair!”
“Shut your fucking face,” Gerard said with a smirk. Their insults were playful,
in a best friend, bordering on flirty kind of way. Frank was his best fucking
friend, and he would do anything for him.
“Hey, are you going to the party on Saturday?” Frank asked. “The one at
Ailsa's?” Ailsa was the only girl in their gang. She was a short, loud,
lesbian, almost the female version of Frank. Only not as attractive. She was a
day student whose parents apparently traveled a lot, which led to parties.
“Yeah. As long as I don't have to climb that fucking fence.” Frank laughed. His
laugh was cute, funny. It made Gerard feel all warm inside. Happy.
“Nah, she's gonna pick us up. You don't need to worry.”
It was Saturday afternoon, and Gerard was rushing around his room. He needed
something to wear to the party. He didn't really know what people wore to these
sort of things. Frank had told him that parties weren't like in the movies. He
stared at pile of unwashed clothes on the floor, nearly everything except his
uniform was dirty. He fucking needed to do laundry. Then, he found it. A stick
of eyeliner, nothing special. It must have gotten packed accidentally, or maybe
it was Ailsa's. He'd never seen her without makeup. However it got there, it
was there. He crossed the room to the mirror hanging on his wall, an idea in
his head. Without thinking over the consequences, he pressed the pencil
underneath his eye and dragged it, leaving a thick black line. He did the same
on top, his mouth open wide. Except for a small smudge, his right eye looked
good. He started applying it to the left, hoping for equally perfect results.
There was a knock at the door. Without thinking, Gerard shouted, “Come in!”
Frank entered.
“Hey, Gee, are you ready for the- WHAT THE HELL?” Frank stared at the
eyelinered Gerard, confused but turned on. Gerard looked hot, but he was a guy.
Worse, he was Gerard. But the eyeliner made him look feminine and sexy.
“Do you like it?” Gerard asked, indicating his makeup.
“Um... I do, but... it's different.”
“Isn't that was punk is about?” Gerard asked, his makeup now finished. He
unbuttoned his shirt, not caring if Frank was there, and slipped into a
teeshirt, the shorter boy staring intently.
“Yeah, I guess,” Frank said, trying not to focus on his stripping friend. He
was NOT gay. He liked girls. He was too punk rock for that.
“Hey, um, can you turn around? I was gonna change into my jeans.”
“Oh shit, sorry,” Frank said, turning around. He wanted to look. But he wasn't
gay. He shouldn't want to look. But Gerard looked incredible. There was no way
he could like him. He was just a guy. He was a dork. He couldn't be attracted
to him. Yet, after all those night in the diner and the alley, talking until
past midnight over cigarettes and coffee, he'd grown quite close to Gerard. But
it couldn't be love, could it? They were just friends. And even though the kid
was gay, he clearly didn't like Frank. Their relationship would have gotten
awkward if he did.
“Frank, you can turn around now.” Frank spun around to reveal Gerard in tight
black jeans, an old tee shirt, and eyeliner.
“Do you have a jacket? It's pretty cold, even for November in Jersey.”
“No. Do you have one I can borrow?” Frank thought for a minute.
“Come with me. I think I've got something in my room.” He led Gerard down the
hall and up the stairs. They unlocked the door, and entered.
The first thing Gerard saw were the posters. The wallpaper was barely visible
due to Misfits and Black Flag merch. Frank's side of the room was messy, but in
the back was a neat corner adorned with a guitar with a sticker on it that read
“PANSY”.
Ray was sitting on his bed on the other side of the room. “Hey, guys. Are you
going to the- what the fuck is on your face, Gerard?”
“Eyeliner,” Gerard said confidently. He watched as Frank rummaged through the
drawer of his dresser.
Finally, he called out, “Found it!”, and held up a black leather jacket.
“Are you sure it'll fit?” Gerard asked. The jacket was big, but Frank was so
tiny he doubted that even the biggest thing he owed could fit him.
“Yeah. Try it on.” Gerard slipped on the leather jacket. Not only did it fit
perfectly, it reminded him of Frank. Just like cigarettes and the coffee from
the diner and punk music.
“It looks great on you!” Frank exclaimed. He wasn't lying to flatter his
friend, he was telling the truth. With the eyeliner and the leather jacket,
Gerard had grown up, and Frank felt like a proud mother of a punk rock child.
***** Chapter Five *****
The boys climbed out of Ailsa's truck bed, and walked up the driveway. As they
open the door to the house, they were greeted by Bob, another guy from their
group of friends.
“There's a keg in the back,” he said as he handed them each a red solo cup.
Gerard stuck to Frank like glue to avoid being alone. He followed his clearly
more experienced friend to the back room of the house, where a keg was on top
of a washing machine.
“So you're losing your party virginity tonight, huh?” Frank acknowledged as he
filled the cup.
“Yeah, I guess. What's in that thing?” Gerard asked, indicating the keg.
“Beer. What else would it be?”
“But that's illegal! We're not twenty one yet!”
“Relax,” Frank said, taking a sip. “It's only illegal if you get caught.” He
took Gerard's cup, and poured in the beer. “Have some. Besides, half the shit
we do together is illegal.”
Gerard took the cup, and took a sip. The taste wasn't great, but he like the
way it made him feel. He downed the cup in his next gulp, and refilled. Frank
laughed.
“Looks like you're becoming an alcoholic already in the first ten minutes of
the party!”
“Shut you're face. I'm fine.” They left the backroom, and walked into the
party.
Frank stared as Gerard stumbled around the room. He felt bad for pressuring the
kid into his first drink, but everyone was like this.
“Look at me everyone!” He shouted, words slurred. He started singing along to
the tune blaring from the stereo, and dancing. Badly.
“Gerard, get down!” Frank was getting worried.
“He's fine, he's having fun!” Someone in the crowd yelled. Frank didn't believe
it. He pushed his way through the crowded room, and shepherded Gee down from
the table.
“I'm fine!” Gerard yelled drunkenly as Frank dragged him away from the table.
He knew that Gerard wasn't okay. He knew he shouldn't have made him drink. He
pulled Gerard into a bedroom at the end of the hall, checking first to make
sure no one was fucking in there (he'd made the mistake before hand, and ended
up seeing parts of Ailsa he did NOT want to see).
They sat down on the bed. “Are you okay?” Frank asked. Gerard's lips told him
yes, but he could see in his eyes that he wasn't. “Really?” Frank stared at
him, wanting the truth.
“NO! I'm not okay! I'm not o-fucking-kay!” Gerard yelled, tears welling up in
his eyes. “My family hates me, I suck at everything, I'm gay, I'm a freak, and
I'm never gonna make it! My only friend in the world barely tolerates me. I'm
worthless. I should just die!” He threw himself onto the pillow and sobbed.
“You're not worthless,” Frank said quietly. “You're my best friend. You matter
to me. And you're good at stuff. Have you seen you're drawings? They're
spectacular. You have talent. Maybe you're not gonna make it. Maybe the world
hates you. Maybe you're a freak. But it doesn't matter. You are worth
something. I care about you.”
“R-really?” Gerard asked, sitting up. “I- I didn't think you wanted me around.”
“I want you around. I love you around. You're funny, you're talented, and
awesome. And before meeting you, I always went to the diner alone. You are so
great to have around, and I never want to lose you.” He hugged Gerard. There
was something good there. Something happy. They were more than best friends. He
held his sobbing friend for a long time before letting go.
“I have an idea. Come with me.” They got up, and pushed their way through the
party, and out the door of the house. It was only about nine o'clock, so they
had time to do what ever they wanted. Frank led Gerard down the streets,
walking until they reached the one labeled “Main,” and on it was the diner.
They walked in and ordered their usual, enjoyed the meal, and talked a little
bit. Gerard was trying to ignore his state of drunkeness and his smudged from
crying eyeliner. After the meal, they walked into the alley behind the diner to
talk and smoke, Frank watching Gerard the whole time to make sure he was okay.
Their conversation was subdued, but personal. They talked for hours about their
little issues, and Frank comforted Gerard.
In those moments in the alleyway, comforted by having a friend and feeling
safe, after the worst night of his life, Gerard Way realized he was in love.
With Frank Iero.
***** Chapter Six *****
Chapter Notes
     MAJOR TW!!!!!! [[I had a breakdown writing it]]
After that night, Frank always looked at Gerard a little differently. He had
had no clue how broken he was, how scared. The kid was his worth something
though. He had talent. And even if he was innocent, he was so strong for not
breaking down ever again.
But speaking about it was taboo. It was something Gerard didn't really want to
talk about, so Frank left it alone. They acted like Gerard wasn't fucked up,
like he'd never gotten drunk that night, nothing had ever happened.
So for a while, their lives went back to normal. Hanging out, listening to
music, talking, watching Gerard draw. Life went on. But their minor crushes
continued, slight progression. Frank and Gerard would watch each other when the
other wasn't looking, watch to make sure he was okay.
But about a week before Thanksgiving, things changed. Frank had been invited to
a party, and the whole group was going, except for Gerard (for obvious
reasons). So Gerard sat alone the whole day, trying to ignore his friends
obsessing over another crazy night. He wished they would talk about something
else, but he didn't want to seem rude and ask. Besides, they seemed to like
planning. So Gee sat in the back of his classes, feeling distant, and drawing.
When they left for the party, he sat alone, in silence.
Some kid walked up behind Gerard as he stood on the stairs, watching the boys
walk away, as they talked and laughed.
“Miss your friends, huh freak?” The guy said, shoving Gerard down the stairs.
His sketchbook fell to the floor, opening on that first drawing of Frank. “They
don't like you anyway.” He picked up the sketchbook, staring at Frank's
picture. “What's this? A drawing of your boyfriend?”
“He's not my-” Gerard mumbled, but the taller boy cut him off.
“You're a fa**ot, you know that, Way? You're a freak and a fa**ot. No one likes
you, not even your gay punk friends. All you do is fucking draw. Everyone in
this fucking place hates you. You should just fucking kill yourself.” Gerard
tore his notebook from the boy's hands, and ran up the staircase, blinking back
tears. It was all true. It was all fucking true. They never really wanted him
around. He was a freak, and a fa**ot. Maybe he deserved to die.
Gerard slammed his dorm room door, and fell to the floor, his eyeliner smudging
as he attempted to wipe away his tears. The guy was right. He should die. He
was pretty sure Frank only stayed around because he felt bad for him. He wiped
away his tears, and walked out of his room. There was a guy in his art class
that kept beer in his dorm, maybe he could get some. Maybe it would numb him.
The guy was there, and Gerard bought a 6 pack. Afterwords, he went back to his
dorm and sat on his bed. He wanted it all to go away. He wanted to die. He had
already drank two cans and was feeling the effect, but he didn't want to feel
like that. He didn't want to feel anything. He wanted to die.
On Gerard's desk, there was a small pencil sharpener he had once cut his hand
on the blade of. Suddenly, it caught his eye. He'd heard about kids cutting
their wrists, about the poetry and the blood and the pain. He took a
screwdriver, and took out the tiny screw holding it together. The blade fell
into his hand, a benign object had become a weapon. He picked it up, his hands
shaking, maybe from the alcohol, but maybe from the fear. He took the angled
side of the small rectangle, and ran it over the smooth skin on his wrist. It
barely scratched it. He did it over and over again, but still no blood. After
several attempts of slow movement and lots of pressure, he ran it over his
skin, fast and light. Droplets of blood appeared. He did it again and again,
until his skin was red and he had a collection of cuts, though they were mostly
shallow.
It still wasn't enough pain. He cut deeper, drawing more blood. He moved his
blade to the fresh skin on his right arm, there was no empty space on the skin
for more cuts. It still wasn't enough. It would never be enough. He looked
around the room. He needed something. Something to die with. His comics and
sketchbooks were worthless. They kept him alive. He didn't want to be alive. He
wanted to be dead.
As he scan the room for something to off himself with, he glanced at the
mirror, and saw a total wreck. Puffy red eyes with too much black kohl that was
smudged over his face, a face he hated, his greasy hair, his chubby body, the
cuts on his arms: he was a freak. Destroyed, gone. He looked like he was
already dead. He wanted to fit the description. His tie was around his neck.
And that would be his way out.
His clock read midnight as he tied it into a noose, and pulled his desk chair
to underneath the ceiling fan as he tied it up to the fan itself. He left it
hanging as he scribbled out a suicide note, on the side of one his drawings of
Frank:
“You told me I deserved this. You told me I should die. And you were right. I'm
a freak, a punk, a fa**ot, and a loser. And the only friends I had left me
behind. I deserve to die. And none of you will fucking care when they find my
body hanging here.
Xoxo, gee”
Gerard took one last breath before placing his neck in the tie, and kicking
away the chair.
***** Chapter Seven *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry for leaving you off with Gee's suicide. It gets better.
The party had ended fairly early, but only because the cops had showed up.
Frank and the other guys from the school had escaped out the first floor
window, and managed to hitchhike back. At around 1.30, they climbed the fence,
laughing and talking. Frank had barely drank, so he was fairly sober. As the
other boys laughed and walked drunkenly to their dorms, Frank decided he would
go to see Gerard, just to make sure everything was okay. He'd been kind of
distant lately. He never really spoke up in the group, he only really talked to
Frank, though he did have conversations with Mikey and Ray and Bob on occasion.
But they'd missed a night of coffee and cigarettes, and he figured that Gee
would be lonely.
He walked down the hall to the second floor dorms, and knocked on the door of
221. There was no answer. He knocked again. “Gerard?” he called. Still no
answer. “You better have pants on, I'm coming in.” Frank actually didn't mind
whether or not Gerard had pants. He liked the guy, but he WASN'T GAY. He opened
the door, and stood in shock.
Gerard's body was hanging from the ceiling fan. He looked limp and lifeless,
his skin paler than usual. Frank stared. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't be.
He looked at the note on the floor, scribbled on the side of a drawing of
Frank. Tears welled up in his eyes.
“I- I didn't leave you,” he choked between sobs. It was his fault. He'd ignored
Gerard, left him alone. Gone to that party. “I'm sorry”. He hugged Gerard's
body, which was mostly cold. He stood on the chair, and pressed his lips
against the body's, hoping it didn't constitute as necrophilia. He held the
limp hand. “I'm sorry. I should have been here. It's my fault.”
Frank's whispered words, however, did not fall upon deaf ears. He held Gerard
close, and felt something. A pulse! He frantically moved his hands to untie
Gerard from the fan. The red tie was tightly around his neck. “Please, please
live,” he whispered. He needed Gerard to be alive. If he died, Frank would be
to blame. Finally, the rope came undone. Gerard fell to the floor, still not
breathing. Frank frantically tried to remember the CPR lessons he'd gotten as a
freshman. Push down on the chest and breathe into the mouth with the head
tilted back, that was it. He hoped it would work. It had to work. Gerard had to
live. He felt violating saving Gerard's life. His lips on those of Gerard Way,
a freak, a boy he'd only known for a few months. But he was breathing, not
kissing. His hands on Gerard's chest, pushing to bring him back.
Finally, Gerard took a single breath. Frank breathed a sigh of relief. He was
alive. He had saved Gerard's life.
Gee's eyes fluttered open, and stared up at Frank. His hazel eyes were wide.
“Wh- What are you doing here?” he stuttered.
“Saving you.” Frank smiled, holding Gerard close.
“But I didn't think you cared. You went out with all your friends, and I was
here. You stopped talking to me. And-”
Frank cut him off. “Shhh, it's okay.” He ran his fingers through the taller
boy's greasy hair. Gerard's tears streamed down his face and onto Frank. “It's
gonna be okay.”
“R-really?” Gerard asked. Frank looked around the room at the aftermath of the
breakdown. The empty beer cans, the broken pencil sharpener, the bloody blade,
the tie hanging from the fan, Gerard's cuts, bruises, and marks from the
attempt.
“Yeah. It's gonna be okay. I got you.” He held Gerard's hand, intertwining
their fingers. “So- if you don't mind me asking- what exactly happened?”
“I-I tried to kill myself.” Gerard's tears returned. “I tried to fucking hang
myself. It was stupid. I'm sorry. I just wanted to die.”
“W-why?” Frank asked, his eyes full of fear that Gerard might do the same thing
again.
“B-because I'm a freak. Because everyone hates me. Because I'm a worthless
fa**ot. Because everyone wants me dead.”
“Why the hell would you believe this shit? You're not a freak. Not everyone
hates you. And you're not worthless, even if you are gay. You mean so much to
me. You're my best fucking friend, Gerard. I would do anything for you.”
“This guy, he- he said- he said-” Gerard was crying to hard to finish. Frank
placed his finger on Gee's lips, silencing him.
“The opinions of the closed minded don't matter. You're a thousand times better
than anyone who hates someone because of who they are.” Gerard smiled. “And, if
you need me to, I'll find him and beat his ass. If he EVER hurts you again,
I'll- I'll kill him. I'll give him hell.”
“Thanks.” Gee's smiled widened.
“Can you promise me that you won't hurt yourself ever again? You won't cut your
wrists, drink, starve yourself, try and kill yourself, or any of that ever
again?”
“Y-yeah.” For once in his life, Gerard knew he was gonna be okay.
***** Chapter Eight *****
And life went on. Diner visits, cigarettes, art, and conversations. Frank made
a point to always check on Gee after going to parties, or to stay behind. So
far, if Gerard had hurt himself, he hadn't told Frank. Every so often, though,
Gerard would manage to get beer and drink, or pull apart another pencil
sharpener and slash his pale wrists. Frank would comfort Gerard every time this
happened, holding his hand (metaphorically, he was still straight), and telling
him things would be alright, even when it felt like a lie. It made Gee feel
better, no matter how unstable he was, he felt okay around Frank. Almost happy.
He'd started socializing with the others in their group, especially Ray, who
was much cooler than he seemed. And of course, Mikey was his brother, and
family. They were close, but not as close as Frank and Gerard. The others in
their crew weren't as close to Gee, but they all talked on occasion. They found
common ground over punk music and comic books and D&D. For once in his sixteen
years, he felt like he belonged somewhere.
It was mid December, and everyone was excited for Christmas. Gerard had
awkwardly left his dorm to shower at night, after a fairly good day (though
everyone else was away at some party). The bathroom was empty, thank God. He
couldn't stand to be in the shower when someone else was there. The guys on the
hall all suspected he was gay, and hated him. So he showered at awkward hours,
and usually didn't have time to wash his long black hair (why it was so greasy
all the time). He stripped, and stepped into the warm water. The noise of the
water was enough to make him feel safe enough to sing loudly, so he didn't
notice the sound of the door opening.
Gerard's voice echoed through the small bathroom. The lyrics weren't
enunciated, and the water was loud, but Frank could hear the talent coming from
the next stall. The voice, whoever it belonged to, was incredible, and Frank
Iero wanted more.
The next song being sung was something original, with the lyrics
“So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will”
Frank stood in awe. Not only an amazing voice, but song writing talent. He
guessed that was all the boy had written, considering he had stopped singing.
Frank wanted to know who the guy was, but he was scared to open the curtain and
have the person throw whatever antigay slurs they could come up with at him.
A few minutes after the singing had ceased, Frank heard a sound coming from the
shower stall. It sounded like a moan. Then another. And another. And Frank
recognized the voice. It belonged to Gerard, who was most likely jacking off
behind the shower curtain.
“Mmm, oh yeah!” Gerard elbowed the curtain. Yep. He was definitely jacking off.
Frank hald wanted to go in there with Gerard and have some fun. But he wasn't
gay. He was just curious and horny. Nothing more.
“F-frank!” Gerard's sounds of pleasure echoed through room, confusing Frank. It
was his name. Nobody, not even his gay (and hot) best friend screamed his name
while masturbating. Maybe there was some other guy named Frank that he liked.
That had to be it.
“Oh please!” Gerard moaned. Frank could feel his cock getting hard. But he
wasn't gay. Just horny. He left the bathroom, forgetting his plans to shower,
and ran back to his dorm.
Gerard watched his cock get soft, the cum dripping into the drain. He felt
guilty for fantasizing about his straight best friend, but he wanted him. He
was glad no one had been in the bathroom. He would get beat up for this sort of
thing. And if Frank found out, he didn't want to think about. In the back of
his mind, he knew he would lose his best friend. And without Frank, he would
probably kill himself. He felt manipulative for thinking that, but the truth
was he would. Without Frank, he was a standing suicide attempt.
Frank sat on his bed, hours later. He was still confused about before. Maybe it
hadn't been Gerard, maybe he'd been wrong. But how many gay guys were there at
the school? How many gay punk guys? Whoever it was was a talented singer. Frank
wanted to approach Gee about it, but of course he couldn't. Then, Frank Iero
devised a plan: he would get Gerard to sing for him, to prove it was him, and
to get to hear that voice again. Gerard Way sounded like sex when he was
singing, and Frank loved it. But he wasn't gay. He just liked Gerard. As a
friend. Only as a friend.
***** Chapter Nine *****
Frank scribbled in the notebook that was reserved for the chemistry notes he
never took. He would hear Gerard sing again. He had vowed to.
“What are you writing?” Gerard leaned over Frank's shoulder.
“None of your fucking business.” He covered the notebook.
“Let me guess. It's dirty and heterosexual.” Frank laughed nervously.
“It's one of those things.” He hoped Gerard was assuming he meant heterosexual.
His plan to get a guy he'd listened to jack off sing was the single most gayest
thing he'd ever done. The first thing on his list of plans was karaoke. He
would take Gerard to a karaoke bar instead of a diner. But it would be weird,
to take a gay guy out somewhere that wasn't a date. Especially at a bar when
that guy was Gerard. It couldn't work. It wouldn't work. Frank scribbled out
the idea. He needed some idea. Maybe he could propose starting a band, but
lament about lacking a singer? No, he'd been a singer in a band before. He
needed an idea. Audition for the musical? Gerard was gay, but he wasn't that
gay. Anyway, he would have to go with Gee. And musicals were NOT punk rock.
The bell rang. The boys dashed off to the morning assembly. The gathered with
their friends at the back, the punks looking like melanistic squirrels. The
announcements droned on for 25 minutes before anything they cared about was
said. Then, something caught Frank's attention: a talent show.
“Does anyone want to sing with me? I want to play guitar and sing something,
but I want to do a duet.” Frank looked around for a response as his friends
laughed.
“Dude, do you know how fucking gay school events are? Anyway, they sensor
everything,” Ray said.
“Don't say that,” Frank said under his breath.
“Huh?”
“Don't say that,” Frank replied, louder this time.
“Say what?” Ray asked.
“That it's gay. Gay doesn't mean that something's shitty. It means something is
homosexual.”
“Sorry,” Ray muttered. He hadn't been thinking. He should have kept his mouth
shut or said something else. He should have used another word. He knew that he
was being an asshole, but it was just in his vernacular. Where he came from, it
was a typical thing to say.
“I think it would be fun. We could tell them that the lyrics are clean, then
BAM! We're singin' 'fuck you' to the whole damn staff!” Frank laughed.
“Yeah, maybe, but I'm not singing for the whole school. They'll think I'm a
pussy!” Ray was clearly too self conscious. The other guys agreed.
“Okay, I guess I won't.” Frank looked down, crestfallen. He didn't as much care
about performing as he cared about hearing Gerard sing. And he had decided not
to.
Frank and Gerard sat in their usual corner booth of the diner, sipping their
coffees.
“So, Gee, I never asked. Do you play an instrument or sing or anything?” Frank
broke the silence that felt awkward, but only to him.
“No. I tried guitar, but I'm shit. I kind of play piano, but everyone's forced
to learn that at some point.”
“Do you sing ever?”
“Nah. Unless you count in the shower, but I probably suck. I try not to pay
attention to my talent, or more, lack of.” Frank stared into the mug. He was
talented. And Frank couldn't stand to have him undiscovered. But he couldn't
say that he had heard Gerard singing. Because then he would seem like a
stalker, and say that he had heard him jack off.
It had been three weeks, and Frank was out of ideas. He'd tried everything,
from duets to karaoke and everything in between. There was no chance he could
get Gerard to sing. He lay on his bed, trying to think of something. There was
a knock at the door.
“Hello?” Frank called out. It couldn't be Ray. Ray was away visiting his family
for the weekend.
Gerard opened the door, wearing only a towel. “Um, it's kind of awkward, but I
was in the bathroom on your hall, and there's a really big spider.” Frank
laughed. He could picture Gerard getting into the shower naked, and seeing a
tiny spider, and screaming as it crawled across the tiles. “Don't laugh, I'm
really scared of spiders!” Frank bit his lip, trying to hold back a grin. An
idea popped into his head: shower at the same time as Gee, and hear him sing.
If Gerard knew he wasn't alone, he wouldn't jack off.
“Sure, I'll get rid of it. Anyway, I was just about to shower.” He picked up
the towel from his pile in the corner, and opened the door, laughing about
Gerard, the spider, the towel, and the plan the whole way.
***** Chapter Ten *****
Frank followed Gerard into the bathroom.
“It's in there,” Gerard said, shaking. It had stopped being funny when Frank
realized the Gee was actually scared. He pointed to the stall nearest to the
wall. Frank approached it. Behind the curtain, there was a fat spider, sitting
in its web. Frank jumped a bit when he saw it, it was big. He grabbed a paper
towel, picked up the spider carefully, and dropped it out the window.
“You good now?” Frank asked. Gerard smiled.
“Yeah. I'm gonna shower, so um, you should maybe turn around, 'cause I'm gonna
change.” Frank turned around, but wished he didn't have to. He wanted Gerard,
no matter how straight he was, that boy was the exception. He wanted to make
Gee moan like he had that day in the shower. He wanted to hear him scream. He
heard the close of the shower curtain door, and undid his belt and slipped off
his shirt. As he slid down his jeans, he revealed a slight hard on through his
boxers. Frank stepped into he shower, hoping his plan would work.
The water ran down Gerard's back as he stood in the shower. He stood there,
thinking. Frank is in the shower next to me was on repeat in his brain. I need
a distraction, he thought, trying not to picture Frank naked with the hot water
streaming down his body. Without thinking, Gerard started singing. It wasn't
anything special, except it was, since it was a song that Frank had told him to
listen to. The lyrics poured out of his mouth, loud and on key. The image of
Frank was still there, but the music was taking up the majority of his brain.
Frank stood in awe at Gee's voice. He was even more incredible this time.
“Wow,” Frank murmured. He hoped Gerard hadn't heard him, but he wanted him to
hear at the same time. He wanted to tell Gerard how amazing his voice was, but
he didn't have the balls.
The singing stopped. “Did you say something?” Gerard asked.
“Um, no,” Frank said. “But I um, I really um, like, uh love, your um, singing.
You're really fucking talented,” he stuttered.
“Really? I think it's shit.” It hurt Frank to think of Gerard hating one of the
best parts of himself.
“No! You're amazing! I love you!” Frank said. “I mean, I love your singing. I
don't love you. I'm not gay or anything. I think you're really good.”
Gerard laughed. He found Frank's whole “I'm straight!” thing amusing. Even
though Frank was straight, he just found the fact that straight guys had to
explain themselves every time they said something remotely homosexual funny.
Especially when he said it around a gay guy, the least likely party to be
homophobic. “Thanks, I guess.”
“No problem.” Frank turned off the water, and dried himself, and listened as
Gerard did the same. He'd finally done it! But he wondered what the point of
the entire plan was.
Gerard sat on his bed, a pen in one hand, and a spiral bound notebook in the
other. He had scribbled out the lyrics to the song he'd sung in the shower a
few weeks ago. If Frank thought he was a good singer, he decided he would write
a song. But all he had was the fucking chorus, and he couldn't play guitar or
bass or drums. He was never gonna make it, even if he lived through high
school.
There was a knock at the door. He stood up, and opened the door. It was Frank,
holding his guitar.
“What are you doing here? It's after in room time!” Gerard stared at Frank. He
knew they guy didn't care about the rules, but if he was playing guitar after
lights out, he would get caught.
“I wanted to jam. I know you don't play, but you sing. And I wanted to play
with you,” Frank said. He blushed a little. The whole thing was stupid, but
amazing.
“How are we gonna be quiet? You've got an electric guitar!”
“Lets go the diner, or the alley. Pansy and us can rock the Jersey night!” He
laughed.
“Okay. Fine. I'll go. I've been trying to write a song, anyway. Maybe you can
help me. Do we have anyone else?”
“Nope. Just us.” He grinned. Gerard and him were often alone, but this time
felt different. Almost... romantic, in a way. But he wasn't gay.
Gee and Frank talked as they scaled the fence, being careful not to hurt the
guitar. As they walked to find a driver for the two of them, they passed a
cemetery.
“Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Gerard asked, indicating the vacant lot
of gravestones.
“Necrophilia?”
“No, jam there. There's no cars coming, and the diner's miles away. And this is
right here!” Gee smiled.
“Sure, I guess. But no fucking corpses, alright?” They laughed as they walked
through the wrought iron gates.
***** Chapter Eleven *****
Frank strummed Pansy on the step of the mausoleum. Gerard stared at the boy's
fingers, how they could move almost instantaneously between chords and how his
right hand moved the pick over the strings. He loved to see how Frank caressed
the guitar. He could tell it made him happy.
“So can you sing that song for me? The one you're writing?” Frank asked. Gerard
stared at the ground uncomfortably. What if Frank didn't like the song? What if
he thought it was dumb and shallow? Or he hated the tune? Or thought it sounded
too poppy? “Please? I want to hear it.”
“Okay.” Gerard held the notebook up to the flashlight, and took a deep breath.
“So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will”
Frank grinned. It was the same song Gee had sung in the shower before jacking
off. The one he'd been itching to hear since the moment he stood in awe,
listening. “I fucking love it! Is that all you got?”
“Yeah. I only came up with it recently. You really like it?”
“Of course! You're really fucking talented. And I'm gonna try and come up with
the music for it, kay?”
“Sure.” They spent the next two hours jamming and playing, the song progressing
until they had a chorus, 2 verses, and a bridge. All they needed was a name.
“What should we call it?” Gerard asked.
“It's your song. You fucking decide.” Frank lit a cigarette.
“Should it be something from the chorus? Or is that too mainstream?”
“Nah, too popish. We're too punk rock for that shit!” He laughed as he put out
the cigarette with his boot.
“What about something sassy, like Thank You for the Venom? Like, all sarcastic
and shit!”
“I like it! Gerard Way, you are the most sassy punk I've ever met! Thank you
for the venom, babe!” Frank hugged him.
“Now all we need is a band. More than just us. We can talk to the guys
tomorrow. I know Mikey plays bass, and you mentioned the other dudes play.
We're gonna have a band!” Gee and Frank laughed and talked as they walked back
through the wrought iron gates and back to the school.
“A band? Are you serious, Frank? We're not gonna make it, all they care about
now is the shit on the radio!” Ray replied. So far, the band was still only
Frank and Gerard. They'd talked to Mikey and Ray, as well as Ailsa, who claimed
to be “only talented in bed”. Mikey had said that he wouldn't join the band
until there were other people in it, not just “the two gaylords”.
“Please, Ray. We've got a song written, we're good. But Gerard can't play
guitar, and we need another guitarist!” Frank pleaded. They needed him.
“Okay, fine. Let me hear this song. But if it's shit, forget it.” Ray returned
his headphones to his ears, and pressed play on his walkman.
Gerard looked at Frank nervously. “What if he doesn't like it? What if he hates
it?”
“He'll like it. It's gonna work out, trust me.” Frank wanted Gerard to be calm
just as much as he wanted to be calm.
“Guys? I'm ready,” Ray called out. They'd brought him up to the cemetery to see
them play. He wasn't as dark minded as them, so the cemetery thing had taken
convincing.
Frank played the opening chords. And they played the song. Gerard hit every
note. It was perfect.
“Whoa. That was... Really good. Like, I didn't know you guys were that
talented. That was amazing!” Ray was shocked. He hadn't expected them to be
good. Maybe mediocre, but not incredible.
“Do you want to be in our band?” Frank asked.
“Hell yeah!”
So far the unnamed band had three members, and lacked a bassist or drummer. But
they were getting there. Frank thought that maybe he was wrong about Gerard not
making it. Maybe they were gonna make it.
“No way am I joining your band!” Mikey screamed. “For the last time, you suck.
I don't like you guys, and I don't like playing bass in front of people! The
world hates bassists anyway!”
Frank stared a Gerard with a what-should-we-do look. Gee shook his head. “I
dunno man, my brother apparently doesn't want to be punk rock and cool. I guess
we can find another bassist. Probably a better one. With multiple facial
expressions. And no unicorn obsession.” They walked out of the dorm, leaving
Mikey on the bed.
“I have more than one facial expression, you assholes!” He called out.
***** Chapter Twelve *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you for the ideas, AverageFan! (I'll use them later)
It was the band's first jam session: in the cemetery. The three members played
and laughed and smoked and wrote songs. They weren't serious, and the songs
were pretty much shit that they scrapped at the end of the practice. While Ray
returned to the school, Frank and Gerard went to the diner. It was a typical
night, just them. They smoked in the alley, and talked. They returned to the
school after midnight in a strangers truck bed. It was normal.
Life went on like this for a while. Things were normal, or as normal as life
got for a bunch of punks at a prep school. But the band was still not fully
formed, and they needed a name.
“Something poetic! Something that shows fans they're not alone! Something new,
strange. Something personal!” Frank ranted.
“Like what? All the good names are fucking taken!” Ray replied
“What about 'Romance'? Or is that already done? Or does it sound to poppy? Or-”
Frank cut off Gerard.
“'My Romance!' Nah, something else. Like, 'My blank Romance', something in the
middle! Give me adjectives, bitches!”
“Beautiful?” Ray asked.
“Too feminine!”
“Miserable? No, that's not good enough! X-rated? We could get banned.” Gerard
ran through ideas. “Harlequinn, maybe?”
“Those are those shitty dimestore slut books! Innocent?”
“We're not fucking innocent, too much irony,” Ray said. “I was thinking
scandalous, but I don't want to sound cheap.”
“Selfish! Pathetic! Childish! Watercooler! No, those suck.” Frank vetoed his
own ideas.
“Chemical!” called a voice down the table. They turned. There was Mikey Way.
Quiet, tall Mikey had named their band.
“MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE!” Gerard shouted gleefully. They'd done it!
“You can't have it,” his brother called.
“What if you were in the band? We need a fucking bass player!” Mikey thought
about his brother's offer.
“Fine. Just, don't be such freaks.”
They were a band. Ray could play drums, and they could find a touring drummer.
Finally, My Chemical Romance was real.
“So why chemical?” Frank asked Gerard. “It's not- drugs or anything, right?” He
looked worried.
“No. Well, sort of. I, um, I'm on pills. Anti-depressants. They don't fucking
work. I usually just throw out the doses, or keep them hidden.” Gerard looked
at the ground. “I- I've never told anyone that before.”
“You should try taking them. Maybe they'll help.” They were in the alley,
taking drags off their cigarettes.
“I did. They just- fuck. They just don't work. You probably don't know anything
about meds. Except for, like ADHD or something.” Gerard spat. He knew Frank
wouldn't understand. No one would. And the worst part was, Mikey teased him
about it. So did everyone back home. And at his old school. He was known as
that weird gay guy on too many meds. That was the real reason he hated himself.
Gerard knew that if he met himself, he would hate him.
“I-I'm sorry. I just- I just want to help. I just want you to be better.” Frank
was starting to cry. And he NEVER cried. He was Frank Iero. He was punk. He was
cool. He sneaked out and bought things with cigarettes instead of cash. He
didn't cry. Especially not over a boy he'd known for 6 months.
“I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING GET BETTER, OKAY? I'M GONNA STAY FUCKED UP, 'CAUSE
THAT'S WHAT I AM! I'M JUST A FUCKED UP KID FROM NEW FUCKING JERSEY! I'M NOT
GONNA MAKE IT! I'M WORTHLESS!” Gerard turned away. His throat was sore from
screaming. The February air bit his cheeks. He was crying.
“If you don't want me, then I'll go.” Frank walked away. He waited for Gerard
to call him back. He wanted Gerard to call him back. He never did. It was only
the silence of the wind, and the occasional sound of a passing vehicle. Frank
kept on walking. It had been stupid of him to try and help. He had just been
being nice. Because Ray had told him to. Fucking Ray had gotten him into this.
But it was Frank's fault for getting in this deep. No one's fault but his own.
He wished he'd never picked up Gerard's fucking comics. He wished he'd never
met him, and that he's never taken him to the diner. That he'd never taken him
to that party.
He wished he'd never saved Gerard Way's life.
***** Chapter Thirteen *****
Gerard put out the cigarette with the toe of his white converse sneaker. Frank
had left. His only friend had left. He was alone. And he was fucked up inside.
And those two together were dangerous. Gerard rummaged through his pockets.
Inside was his wallet. In his wallet there was a 50, and a fake ID. There was a
7-11 nearby. He walked through the empty streets, and bought a 6 pack and a
pocket knife. He wanted a gun, but he knew that would be harder to get. He
could just hang himself, or jump off a bridge. He didn't even know if there
were any bridges in town. There probably weren't.
It was starting to snow. It swirled around Gerard as he trudged back to the
school, the six pack in his hand, and the pocket knife in his pocket. This
would be the night that Gerard Arthur Way would end his life.
The snow was coming down hard now, and Gerard was wondering if he would freeze
to death instead of commit suicide. It would be ironic. He laughed to himself.
He kept walking.
It was a full out blizzard, and Gerard Way was in it. He sat down by the
wrought iron gates of the cemetery. There was too much snow for him to keep
walking. He realized he didn't even need to hang himself, he would just freeze
to death. It would be the end. He would never see Frank again, never talk to
his family again, never draw again. He would be over.
Frank Iero stood by his window in the school. It was snowing heavily.
“You really want to go out in this?” Ray asked, ask he took a drag of his
cigarette.
“It's important. It's... for a friend. I did something stupid. I need to
apologize. And, um make sure they're okay.” Frank slipped on a thick wool
trench coat.
“You like a chick from behind, by the way,” Ray told his roommate as Frank
walked out the door, crossed fingers in his pocket.
The blood on Gerard's wrists hadn't dried, it had frozen. The empty beer cans
were already covered in snow. He could barely feel his fingers as he tied his
tie into a noose. He had attached it to a branch of the tall pine tree in the
center of the graveyard. It was around his neck now. He was loosing feeling,
his body was numb from the cold, and there was a lack of oxygen. Gee smiled as
a tear dripped down his face. He would be gone. Finally, after nearly 17 years,
he'd be dead. For a fleeting moment he thought of Frank. He had loved him. Or
something. And Frank had walked away. It was as if his only friend had slipped
the noose around his neck.
The snow was piled up heavily as Frank walked down the street. No one was
driving out in this weather, so he had to walk. He stared up at the full moon.
It was a beautiful night, but the kind of beautiful that you watch from a
window, not the kind you go out in.
“You're a fucking idiot, Iero,” he mumbled to himself. “Gerard's probably fine.
Probably he just had a bad day.”
Frank walked past the cemetery, the moon silhouetting the pine tree in the
center. He stared. It would make a photograph. The way the branches had curved
under the weight of snow made it look like a corpse was hanging from a branch.
Like someone had been hung in the tree.
Gerard's was losing consciousness, and he was sure he was also hallucinating.
The reason he was so sure that he was hallucinating was because he was sure he
could see Frank at the cemetery gates. His eyes closed for a moment, then
fluttered back open. It couldn't be real. It couldn't. Frank was at the school,
in his dorm. He was stupid, but not stupid enough to go out in a blizzard at
three am. A thought crossed his mind: What if Frank was out looking for him? He
dismissed it quickly. Frank didn't care. He had walked away.
The figure was walking towards him, calling out into the darkness. It sounded
like his name, but Gerard knew he had to be hallucinating. No one cared enough
about him to do this. The figure was getting closer. There was no way it could
be him. But it was. He was running as fast as his short legs could carry him
through the two feet on snow.
“Gerard!” Frank's voice carried across the cemetery. Gerard was losing
consciousness. His eyes drifted shut, only to be awakened by another shout. “Oh
my god.” Frank was standing at the base of the pine tree, tears welling up in
his eyes. “You can't be- no no no! Fuck, it's my fault. I walked away. I'm
sorry. I- I fucking love you!”
Gerard's eyes shot open. Love? There was no way. He was dead, certainly, and
somehow he'd ended up in heaven. He didn't believe in God, however. It made no
sense. Frank Iero couldn't love him. Frank was a straight guy who clearly
didn't like him. They were just friends, if they were even that.
There was a sound of a branch cracking. Frank was trying to climb the tree. He
needed to see if Gerard was alive. Needed to do something.
“I'm going to fucking save you, okay? Because you are not fucking dead. You're
not dead until I say you are, Gerard. I need you here. And I'm going to save
you.” Another branch cracked. Frank was about three feet up. There was still a
ways to go up to the branch Gerard was hanging from. “Just hold on!” The snow
swirled around Frank. His mind repeated the words, “he's dead”, and “your
fault” a million times over, but he kept climbing. Gerard had to be alive. He
had to.
Gee was losing consciousness. He didn't know if he was alive or dead. It was so
cold. He just wanted to sleep. His neck hurt, and breathing was hard. His eyes
drifted closed. That's what he wanted, sleep. It would take the pain away. It
didn't matter if he couldn't breath, he wouldn't feel anything. His eyes
closed. It would come to him.
***** Chapter Fourteen *****
Frank held the cold, limp body close. He couldn't be dead. There was no chance.
Gerard wasn't dead. He had to be alive. Frank's tears froze as they dripped
down his face. He stared up at the black starless Jersey sky. He had been
raised Catholic, but he had his doubts. If there was a God, why would he kill
Gerard Way? Why would he destroy one of the best things on this pitiful earth?
Maybe it was punishment, for all their combined sins. Punishment for the lying,
the cheating, the alcohol, the rule breaking, all of it. But it wasn't. It was
his punishment for being gay. It was a sin to some, not a sin to others. Frank
always pushed it away. But now the realized being bi curious for Gerard was his
tragic flaw. Gerard was dead now. And Frank knew the sin of suicide. He wanted
to take his own life. There was no point in living this way, even though he had
survived nearly sixteen years without him, he couldn't bare the thought of it
now.
“I fucking love you, Gerard. I want you back. It's so funny, how you miss
someone when they're so close to you. I want you to be alive and warm again. I
want to see your smile. I want to see your drawings, and hear your voice. I
want to smoke with you behind the diner. I won't ever pretend I don't love you
again. I would kiss you all the time and make sure you know I love you. I don't
want you dead. If you die, my heart my just stop. That's how much I love you.
And I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I deserve to die for this. I need you back.
Please.” Frank was sobbing so much he couldn't speak. He needed Gerard. He
couldn't go on living without him. He held him close, never wanting to let go.
Frank could feel a slight pulse in Gerard, but he knew in the back of his mind
it wasn't real. He needed it to be real. He placed one hand on his friend's
chest. It was there. It was real. He needed to get him warm. That was how he
could live. Gerard was barely alive, but he would make it. He lifted Gerard's
body, remembering that first time they'd climbed the fence. Gerard couldn't get
over it, and had needed a boost. Frank had had no clue how much his life would
change because of that boy. He had just seen him as a face in the crowd: that
was the beauty of it. There was no shallow Romeo and Juliet love at first
sight. There was falling in love. And realizing he was in love when it was too
late. And there were stupid mistakes and stupid things and little things and
beauty. And now it was painful, like Frank's heart had been torn out.
They had made it across the cemetery, and had a long ways to go. There were no
cars out at 5 am in the new snow. It was the darkest part of the night, when
the moon was gone, but the sun wasn't there yet. He trudged through the thick
powder. In his mind, there was the feeling of them not making it. Knowing that
they might not live to see the sunrise. He felt the tears welling up again. He
would never see his family again, his friends again. He'd be dead. He would
have died for a boy he'd know for six months. But it was worth it. Frank Iero
felt that in his sixteen years, he had lived more than anyone else had. He
never believed in 'Live fast, die young,' but he knew he would. He wasn't lucky
enough for a long life. But he knew it didn't matter. He had never played by
the rules. He had never cared. He had done what he loved. And that was what
mattered.
The sun was just starting to come up. It illuminated a road sign that read,
“PENCY PREP: ¼ MILE”.
“We're almost there,” he whispered faintly to Gerard, whose breathes were light
and shallow. The fence was visible through the trees. He turned off the road.
He was tired. It was so hard to keep moving. But they were almost there. Almost
warm. Almost safe. Almost alive.
The chain link fence seemed taller early in the morning when Frank tried to
climb it with Gerard. It felt like an eternity to finally get over, and the
walk to the dorms felt like a marathon. When Frank finally reached the second
floor, he rummaged through Gerard's pockets for the key. Before finding it, his
fingers felt grasped around something else- the knife. In his head, it echoed
“your fault” again and again.
He carried Gerard to the bed, and turned up the room's thermostat. He didn't
know if he should call a doctor or something, but he didn't know if Gerard
wanted anyone to know.
Gerard was breathing well now, and his heart was pumping normally. It looked
like he was just asleep. Frank glanced at the clock- ten minutes to eight.
Classes would begin soon. Frank flipped through Gerard's sketchbook, fingering
the pages. They were drawings of celebrities, classmates, strangers,
characters, everyone and everything. Frank flipped to the back. There was one
picture that stood out from the rest. It was fully inked and colored, as well
as more detailed. It was the drawing of Frank from the first day they'd sneaked
out.
An alarm clock buzzed on the desk. Gee stirred. Frank slammed the book shut,
and returned it to the desk. He slipped out the door and shut it quietly as
Gerard began to wake up. He would make this night feel like a dream.
***** Chapter Fifteen *****
Gerard awoke to the pinging of his alarm clock. He sat up. He was still wearing
his jeans and tee shirt, along with his school jacket and tie. He rubbed his
skull, trying to think of why. The thermostat on the wall read 80 degrees, but
he felt cold. He sat up, and last night hit him like a brick to the stomach.
Suicide. Getting drunk. Slitting his wrists. Yelling at Frank. Frank Leaving.
He wanted it to go away. If he had succeeded, he wouldn't have had to pick up
the pieces. He was confused as to why he was in his bed. Was it a dream? He
didn't remember going to sleep, except when he was hanging from the pine tree.
The last thing he remembered before he closed his eyes was the hallucination of
Frank. As he stood up, he noticed a pounding headache. A hangover. So some it
had been real. He gathered his things in five minutes like he usually did,
changing quickly into his blue and white suit. He tied the striped tie
sloppily, and slipped on his shoes.
Gerard stared at his schedule taped to his locker door. Chemistry first. His
only class with Frank. “Fuck,” muttered under his breathe.
When he arrived in the lab, he made sure to sit as far from Frank as possible.
“New seat, Mr. Way?” The teacher asked. “Had a falling out with your
boyfriend?” The whole class giggled. Frank stared at his desk.
“It's not funny,” Gerard mumbled. Teachers and students alike made jokes about
his sexuality and his closeness to Frank, without realizing the truth.
Gee slept through the majority of the class, only waking up when a paper plane
his his leg. He jolted up, and picked it up, unfolding it carefully. Inside it
was scrawled in Frank's messy handwriting, “are you okay? -F”. He crumpled it
up and shoved it in his pocket. Instead of sending a note back, he took a
sharpie from his bag and scribbled, “I'M FINE” on his hand, waving it at Frank.
He wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't tell anyone. No one would know how fucked
up Gerard Way really was.
The bell rang, and Gerard was the first out. He decided he would completely
avoid Frank for the rest of the day: lunch alone in the courtyard, campus food
for dinner, getting to classes on time so he wouldn't see him in the halls. He
never wanted to see Frank again.
A thought flickered in Gerard's mind: What if Frank had saved him? But there
was no way. What if it hadn't been a hallucination? What if the real Frank Iero
had saved him life? But it was impossible. He had walked away.
Frank crumpled up the note. Gerard was ignoring him. He wouldn't read the note.
It had been almost a day. Gerard hadn't spoken to him in hours. At first he
hadn't felt it. But it was setting in. It had started as a little doubt, but
now it was infecting his mind. What if Gerard was mad at him for saving him?
What if he didn't want to be saved?
Frank walked to the diner alone in the snow. He could see his footprints. The
tears welled up in his eyes as he climbed into a truck bed. The diner felt
empty. He felt empty. The cigarettes he smoked reminded him of Gerard.
Everything reminded him of Gerard. He had saved his life, but lost him. Silence
and no eye contact, and pretending he didn't care. It hurt. Why had he let
himself get so fucked up inside over a boy? It hurt worse than anything. For
just a moment, he contemplated suicide, but quickly dismissed it. He didn't
know anything about it. Gerard knew. Gerard knew too much.
As he returned to the school, he passed the cemetery. Their band was over.
Broken up after a few days. Frank felt dead inside. He missed Gerard. He felt
like he was going to collapse on himself and drown or something. He wanted to
collapse on himself and drown.
Gee hated the loneliness. His dorm felt like a cell when no one cared. He
wished nothing had ever happened. He wished he had never gone to this stupid
school. He wished he'd never liked music. He wished he'd never met Frank. He
wished he'd never fallen in love.
He flipped through the pages of his sketchbook. The drawings of Frank, and of
the Killjoys, and the little things, all the notes they'd passed in class, it
was over. He blinked back tears as he tore out the drawing of Frank on the back
page. It was his best work, inked and colored. He remembered that Frank loved
it. It was all gone now. He tore the picture straight down the middle. It was
over.
There was a knock at the door. “Go away!” Gerard yelled.
“It- It's me,” a voice called out. A voice he knew too well. It was the voice
of Frank Iero.
***** Chapter Sixteen *****
Gerard didn't remember getting drunk, but he was clearly loaded. Or maybe there
was something wrong with him. Like, really wrong. He was hallucinating again.
But if he told anyone, they'd put him on more pills. There was no way Frank was
there. Frank hated him. Frank had left. Frank had forgotten him. It was all
over. A tear rolled down Gerard's face. It didn't matter, he told himself. He
didn't care about Frank.
“Gerard?” The voice called again. Gee squeezed his eyes shut.
“You're not real,” he whispered. “It's a hallucination.”
“Gee, are you there?”
“Not real,” Gerard said again, this time louder. It wasn't real.
“Are you okay?”
“YOU'RE NOT FUCKING REAL!!!” He screamed, throwing his pillow at the door. It
wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't-
The door opened. Gerard was curled in a ball in the corner of his bed. Silence
filled the room. A painful silence. Frank walked towards him. It wasn't real.
It couldn't be. Frank didn't care.
“Gerard?” Frank sat on the edge of the bed. “Are- Are you alright?” His eyes
scanned the room. A decimated pencil sharpener. A blade covered in blood. And a
torn drawing. The best one Gerard had ever done. Frank bit his lip. He wasn't
gonna cry. He was strong. He would stay strong for Gerard.
Gee felt a hand on his shoulder. He shrank back instinctively. He hated people
touching him. It probably stemmed from a repressed memory or something. “You're
not real,” he whispered again.
“Gee, I'm real. It was stupid of me to not talk to you. I should have said
something. I just, fuck. I'm sorry.” Unwanted tears welled up in Frank's eyes.
“I don't know if you remember, so I'm just gonna fucking say it. You- You tried
to kill yourself, Gerard. Again. Because of me. Because I fucked up and said
the wrong thing and left. And I found you, almost dead in a fucking blizzard
strung up in the fucking cemetery. I saved your life. I carried you a mile back
here. I tucked you into bed and turned the heat up. And I left. It was a dick
move. I- I'm sorry. I just- you needed to live. I was hoping you'd think it was
a dream. I- I-” Frank was sobbing too much to continue. He wanted to tell
Gerard everything. He wanted to tell him what a hero he was. But he couldn't.
Because underneath all of this, he could see that it was his fault.
“You- You saved me?” Gerard's hazel eyes were wide. It wasn't a hallucination.
Frank had saved his life.
“I wouldn't have needed to if I hadn't been an idiot.” Gerard wanted to tell
him that it wasn't his fault, the default thing to say after any breakdown. But
he couldn't bring himself to it. He couldn't lie. He knew that Frank had
triggered it. He knew that Frank walking away was why he had hung himself. He
knew he couldn't lie.
“You saved my life, that's what counts.” Frank smiled as his blinked back his
tears. He was being given credit for saving one of the most amazing souls.
“You're the reason I'm alive. I think I'm going to be okay. Because now I know
someone cares. Now I have something to live for.”
Every voice in Frank's head screamed “KISS HIM!”, but his heterosexual image
held him back. Frank knew he spent too much of his time denying love, but he
also knew that he would lose family and friends to being gay.
“Gerard?” Frank began.
“Yeah?”
“Um, I uh, I um, I- I said something last night. I don't think you heard me.”
“What did you say?” Gerard was intrigued. He didn't remember, Frank was right.
He wanted to know.
“I- I uh,” Frank stared at the ground. Suddenly, his converse hi-tops had
become very interesting. They had gotten cleaned by walking through the snow
all night. And they were still slightly damp. “I um... I said... I um... I told
you...” He broke off his sentences, speaking quietly and slowly. He kept his
hands busy by playing with the gold cross he always wore around his neck. It
was something his parents had made him wear, but he never took off, maybe
because it connected him to home, or maybe because he had had it for so long.
“Gerard, I...” He trailed off again. What would people say? What would Gerard
say? What was going to happen if he said it. Scenarios played out in his head,
none of them good.
“You- you don't have to tell me if you don't want to,” Gee didn't want to see
him struggle.
“I- I have to.” Frank straightened his back, and looked his friend in the eye.
“Gerard Arthur Way, I- I love you.”
***** Chapter Seventeen *****
Gee's eyes were wide. Love? An hour ago he was sure Frank hated him. He had
always hoped, in the back of his mind, but he never thought it would happen.
“Me?” He asked, his voice sqeaking.
“Yeah. Ever since we met, I felt close with you. It took me a long time to
realize. I think I didn't love you at first sight, I fell in love with you.
It's weird. Like, I never thought I would fall in love with a guy. Especially
you. But you just- God, you just had me. You were perfect, and imperfect. You
didn't feel real. You felt like someone had cut out a piece of my soul and put
it into a guy. And then you were so damaged. And I tried to ignore it. And I
didn't even realized I loved you until I thought you were gone. Fuck, I didn't
mean for any of this to happen. I just, I just wanted something normal. And
this, it's fucking crazy. And you're probably gonna tell me you don't like me
because I'm a freak and a loser and I'm too short and I'm in the closet and
we're just friends and everything. I'm- I'm sorry, Gerard. I shouldn't have
said anything.” Frank stared at the ground again, holding back tears.
“Look at me.” Frank lifted his head to obey. Gerard stared into his eyes. He
felt violated by his gaze. This was gonna be over. They would probably never
talk again, drift apart, forget about this all in a year. And then something
happened and Frank would have never expected. Not in a million years. Not after
knowing Gerard for months, he never would have counted on this.
Gerard pressed his soft lips against Frank's, for just a second. And then he
pulled away with lightning speed. Frank's heart was beating so fast it felt
like it was going to fly away. This couldn't be happening. He was dreaming the
best and worst dream of his life. Gee's lips had felt so soft, so beautiful.
And the kiss had felt so right- and so wrong. This was a sin. He could feel the
guilt setting in. He could see his family kicking him out. He could see them
telling him he was a freak, a fa**ot, to go to hell, and to get out. He could
see himself sneaking back into his dorm over spring break when everyone would
be gone, on vacation or with family, and Frank would be in his dorm, alone. He
would never be able to go home, never see his dogs or his family. He felt lost,
confused, alone.
“I- I'm sorry. I just, I've wanted to do that for so long. I shouldn't have, it
was stupid.” Gerard stared at the floor. He wanted to kiss Frank again. He had
barely ever kissed anyone before that- once he'd kissed a girl, playing spin
the bottle at a birthday party Mikey had dragged him to. She was pretty, and
nice, but he didn't like her. Kissing her was nice, but there was no emotion
but boredom behind her kiss. This had six months of pent up love, pain, and
beauty. It was the best moment of his life, but Frank's wide eyes were full of
regret.
“No, it's fine. I wanted to, but I, I um, I shouldn't have said anything. I
don't- I'm not- fuck, I'm just so scared.” Frank bit his lips, trying not to
cry. Gerard hugged him.
“It's okay. It's all gonna be okay.” The words were default, a lying mantra. He
wanted Frank to be okay. To be happy. To not be hurt.
“No, it's fucking not. It's just, my family, everyone. I can't be gay, they-
they'll- they'll kick me out. I won't be able to come back. And if they disown
me or whatever, I can't go here any more. And I'll- I'll never be able- able
to- to see you- see you again.” Frank sobbed between his words. He was in love,
and the love would pull him out of love, and far away. It would be over the
moment it had begun.
“You can stay with me. I have a king sized bed, and um, a spare room. And I
don't think they can do that. You're not a legal adult. So, it's probably not
legal.” Gerard held Frank tightly. “You're gonna make it. It's gonna be okay.
Trust me.”
Frank stared up into Gerard's eyes. “I really do love you, Gee. You really are
incredible. I can't lose you.”
“Frank?” Gerard asked.
“Yeah?” Gee's heart fluttered in his chest. He couldn't do this. It was
impossible. What if he said no? He knew he would say yes, but what if he was
too scared?
“Um, will you, um, uh...” He trailed off. He couldn't say it. The words just
weren't there. But he had to. He needed to. He loved Frank, and had to say
something. “Will you...” Gerard took a big breath. “Frank Iero,” he began
again. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
The whole world was in Frank's head. If he said no, he would hurt Gerard, and
deny himself what he wanted the most. If he said no, he would lose everything.
The choice was simple, but the hardest in the world. He would lose Gerard
either way. And he couldn't do it. But he had to say one. He had to choose. He
had to say it.
The answer came out in a whisper, barely audible over the sound of Gerard
breathing. “Yes.” Frank had made his choice. He couldn't change his mind now.
And he didn't want to go back.
“We should get out of here. Campus gets so cramped at night, don't you think? I
know a place downtown, perfect for a first date. They've got coffee, and great
veggie burgers.” Frank grinned at his boyfriend, and stood up, and walked to
the door.
***** Chapter Eighteen *****
Frank and Gerard entered the diner just like any other night. Only they knew
that things were different. Frank ordered 'the usual' and they talked and
laughed and smiled over coffee. A passing stranger or diner regular would think
things were the same, but the topics of conversation were the beauty of their
eyes, how people would react, and how they should kiss again later.
“Gee, I got an idea,” Frank said as he dug in his pocket.
“Yeah?” Gerard stared as Frank pulled out a red pocket knife carved with 'FI'
in big letters.
“Let's carve our initials into the table!” He grinned.
“Dude, we've been dating for like, two hours. Isn't that a little serious?”
“Nah, it's already etched in my fucking chem notebook. Come on!” Gerard
laughed. Frank was intensely in love, especially for a guy who had just come
out of the closet. Gee agreed, though there was some worry behind his nod.
Frank flipped out the blade, and began etching 'FI+GW' on the edge of the
corner booth table. When he finished, the surrounded the initials with a heart,
and blew away the dust. “For you,” he said as he leaned over to his boyfriend
for their second kiss, not caring what anyone else in the room thought. The
kiss was short and romantic, and only stopped because Gerard didn't feel
comfortable in front of others. But the only people that could see them were
the waitress and each other, so it was fine.
When she brought the check out, Frank began to put down the carton of
cigarettes, but Gerard stopped him, pulling a crisp twenty from his wallet.
“The change is the tip,” he said, sliding it towards her. To Frank, he said, “I
got it this time. Keep your smokes.” They left the building for the alley, and
it felt like any other night, except it was the furthest from their normal
they'd ever gone.
“Did you have to kiss me like that in front of everyone?” Gerard asked.
“Dude, calm the fuck down. The only person in there was Kelly, and she likes
us. And I know she'll keep her mouth shut and that she's not homophobic cause
once I walked in on her at a party with another girl.” Gerard smiled slightly.
“There's no one around now, so, uh, do you um, want to-”
Gerard's lips cut him off, dragging him into a passionate kiss. Their tongues
played, and they held each other tight. Gerard felt happy, and Frank felt the
same.
It was four hours later, and they were lying on Gerard's bed at two am,
cuddling.
“You really love me?” Gerard asked, snuggling up to his boyfriend.
“Yeah.” Frank kissed the top of his head.”I really do.”
“Why?” Frank knew Gerard was looking for compliments, but he didn't care. He
wanted to give them, because Gee deserved to be happy, and Frank loved seeing
him smile.
“Because you make me happy. Because you're hot and handsome. Because you're a
great artist and an even better singer. Because you make me happy. Because we
can talk all the time. Because you're the person who I trust the most. Because
you saved me just as much as I saved you.” Gerard grinned. This was love. And
it was happening so fast.
The buzzing of Gerard's alarm clock awoke Frank. He sat up and rubbed his eyes
before he realized where he was. The past two nights flooded back to him. He
turned to look at his still sleeping boyfriend. Gee was cute when he slept. He
looked innocent and happy. Most people looked gross when they slept, but Gerard
was the exception. His black hair was messy and all around him, and his smile
was adorable. He just looked so innocent, so perfect. Frank pressed his lips
against Gerard's foreheard.
“I love you,” he whispered. He stood up and straightened his tie, and did his
best to make it look like he hadn't slept in his clothes. He never looked good,
for class, but he wanted to look like he wasn't a homeless kid in a suit.
When Gerard opened his eyes, Frank was staring in his mirror and fixing his
hair. The alarm had been going off for about a minute, and Gee was still in his
uniform. He stared at his boyfriend, remembering the previous night. They'd
fallen asleep together on Gerard's bed after hours of talking and kissing and
laughing. It was amazing.
“Uh, hey!” he called Frank over to him. The shorter boy's mohawk was even
messier and floppier than usual. No matter how messy it looked, however, Frank
still looked cute.
Frank grinned. “What?”
Gerard stared a the floor for a moment. “What- What will we tell people?”
“I- I don't know. I can't say anything, at least not now. We should wait a
while, until we know this works.” Gerard felt hurt. It was working. He couldn't
bare to think of this relationship failing. If it failed, he knew in the back
of his mind he would attempt suicide. And this time, Frank wouldn't sawve him.
“Okay. And your hair looks fine, by the way.” Frank smiled. He was in love. And
even little things like that made him blush.
***** Chapter Nineteen *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
They told everyone they had made up. That was all. They had gotten the band
back together, even though it technically didn't count as getting back
together, because half the members didn't even know about the fallout. They had
managed to get an empty classroom to practice in, and had jammed for a solid
three hours, when they should have been studying. Exams were just days away,
but the punk crowd didn't really care. They would study on occasional breaks,
or sing their chem notes during practice. Gerard had managed to keep everything
secret, for the most part. There was still the fact that he had ignored
everyone for a day, and looked like he hadn't slept in a week, and that Frank
and him always seemed to disappear at the same time. They brushed it off with a
quick 'no homo' and a 'best friends'. Gerard loved the irony in it, since they
were gay for each other, and since he had never had a best friend before, and
still didn't. He had a boyfriend.
They ditched everyone to go to the diner like always that night. Gerard saw how
their tracks had stayed in the snow. He was mostly unobservant, but when it
came to Frank, he saw every little detail. He had tried not to admit it to
himself, but he was head over heels in love.
“Hey, remember what's next week?” Frank asked as they drank their coffees. The
night was still young, and they were in their corner booth. Gerard had been
distracted as he eyed the heart carved into the wood.
“Don't fucking mention finals, you're gonna kill the mood! We were on a date,
and now it's gonna be another fucking study session! Goddamnit, Frank!” Gee
meant it lightheartedly, but he was doing his best to ignore the fact that
exams were in a few days. He was scared he would fail out of the school and
never be able to see Frank again. It was an irrational fear, but he was scared
it would happen.
“Not finals, idiot!” Frank laughed. “What's Monday's date?” Gerard thought for
a moment.
“The fourteenth? Wait, fuck, is that your birthday?” He was pretty sure Frank
birthday had already passed, but he wondered if he was wrong.
“Dude, February Fourteenth! How fucking dense are you? It's Valentine's Day!”
Gee hated the holiday with a passion, more than he hated family dinners and
homophobic jocks. He had always been single, and when he was in the closet,
everyone had tried to fix him up with girls. And they didn't even like him. And
then there was always the fact that everyone bragged about their relationships
on that day, and how couples called full on making out against his locker 'an
expression of love'. The holiday was bullshit surrounding some saint who
probably had nothing to do with cut out hearts and candy and cards and public
displays of affection.
“Do we have to?” Gerard asked. “I have that day.”
Frank looked hurt. “I wanted to do something special! Like watch a movie or
kiss all night or stay up talking. I had something planned. I, uh, have
something planned.” He stared at the ground. “But I guess... Never mind.”
Gee felt guilty. He was hurting his boyfriend. And he had ruined his chances of
a good day and a date. He cursed himself in his head, telling him he was a
fucking idiot, and that Frank deserved better.
“I'll do it.” Gerard didn't even know the words had come out of his mouth until
after he had said them. Frank smiled. “I'm sorry I said no, I've just- had bad
experiences with that holiday.”
Frank told him it was fine, and talked about how excited he was. Frank's eyes
lit up when he talked about it, for some reason. Gee had noticed that his eyes
lit up whenever he was talking about music, or Gerard. Though he felt
narcissistic thinking it, maybe those were the things he loved.
Gerard slid around the corner of the vinyl seat to next to his boyfriend, and
put his arm around him, leaning into Frank's shoulder.
“I love you,” he whispered, and leaned in for a kiss. It was beautiful moment,
like some redone Rockwell painting, two teenage punk boys kissing in the corner
booth over coffee after sneaking out of their prep school dorms. It was
something picturesque and wrong. But it felt so right. Gerard wanted to freeze
that moment right there forever. Them, kissing in the booth, young love with
nothing broken except for everything. Gerard knew in the back of his mind high
school loves never lasted, but he figured Frank was different. Frank was always
different. And Gee practically knew that even though it wasn't legal, they
would be in love until 'death do us part'.
Chapter End Notes
     God, I feel like a murderer knowing how this ends. And whats worse is
     my best friend guessed and hates me for it.
***** Chapter Twenty *****
The next week flowed like molasses, even on their dates. Gerard anticipated the
surprise of the fourteenth, and Frank couldn't wait to see the smile on his
boyfriend's face. They spent their nights out as usual, and every night in the
alley, Gerard would ask Frank what was going to happen on Monday, and Frank
always told him to wait. Gee didn't realize how impatient he could get.
The Geometry final was the morning of Valentine's Day, and Gerard spent it
thinking about Frank as opposed to surface area. He had bought him some
chocolates, and drawn some stuff, and he was planning on spending the night
making out and talking and watching bad movies. But he figured it would seem
shitty in comparison to what he was going to get. He was pretty sure he failed
it as he walked out, and he knew there were hearts doodled in the corner on the
paper.
Frank stared at Gee across the dining hall table. Ideas whirled through his
head as he worried about that night. What if Gerard thought the gift was
stupid? What if he hated it?
Meanwhile, Gerard was drifting asleep with his face in a bowl of tomato soup.
Gee hadn't slept well the night before, since he was “studying” (listening to
music and thinking about Frank with a textbook open). Frank laughed as he
watched his boyfriend snore into the soup. Gerard was an idiot, but he was
Frank's idiot.
“Aren't you going to get your boyfriend out of his soup?” Mikey asked.
Frank mumbled something about “not my boyfriend” (LIE), before saying, “Aren't
you going to get your brother out of his soup?” Mikey threw a saltine at Gerard
in response.
Gee woke up covered in tomato soup, with a saltine in his greasy hair. He had
apparently dozed off eating lunch, and instead of waking him up, his friends
had laughed. Though he was embarrassed, he found the incident funny.
“Fucking finals,” he mumbled.
Gerard had showered and taken a nap after the tomato soup incident. He was
pretty sure he was ready for his date. He had even put on eyeliner like he did
before the party all those months ago. He hoped tonight would go better than
the party did.
Gee looked anxiously at the clock. 5:51. Frank was supposed to come up to his
room at 6. Nine minutes. Those nine minutes were going to kill him. He tried
drawing, but everything came up shit. The trash can became filled with crumpled
papers. 5:56. Gerard tried to listen to music, but none of the tapes or CDs on
his desk looked good. He stared at the presents for Frank. Were they good
enough? What if Frank didn't like them? What if there was something he'd missed
Frank say and he couldn't eat the chocolates? 5:59. Gee stared at the clock.
His heart was pounding. 6:00. He watched the digits change, then watched the
door. A minute passed. There was no one. Two minutes. Gerard started to cry.
What if Frank had forgotten him? What if something had happened? Three minutes.
Gee's eyeliner was smeared all over his face. Frank wasn't there. His boyfriend
had forgotten him. This was going to be like every other Valentine's day. He
stared at the pencil sharpener on his desk. He could pull it apart. He could
hurt himself. He wanted to. Frank didn't care. Frank wasn't coming.
Gerard didn't remember hurting himself. At 6:12, there was a knock at the door.
He looked down at his bloody wrists. Frank couldn't see. If he saw, he would
blame himself. He couldn't blame himself, even if the reason Gee had done those
things was because Frank wasn't there. Gerard blocked out the truthful blame of
his boyfriend as he put on a hoodie.
Frank knocked again. “Gerard? Babe? You there?” Gee stood up nervously.
“I- I'm here.” Frank opened the door. He was still wearing his uniform, but he
had on black eyeliner, and his guitar -Pansy- was in his hand.
“Can I come in?” Frank asked.
“Yeah. I mean, of course. Sorry,” Gerard stuttered. He had the guitar. Gee was
freaking out. What the fuck was he doing with the guitar? They couldn't do band
stuff tonight, they were dating. It was a date. Not a band practice. As much as
Gerard loved their music, he wanted his love life to not involve his other
friends and his brother.
“Sorry I'm late, I was busy breaking into the greenhouse. I um, I got you
these.” Frank held out a bunch of roses, some with roots still attached. His
perfect hands were scraped and bloody from the thorns. Gerard was speechless.
Frank had done this for him? Gerard had hurt himself because he thought Frank
wouldn't come, that his boyfriend didn't care. And Frank was late due to
stealing roses.
“For- For me?” Gee stammered. “I- I don't deserve them!” Gee knew he didn't
deserve the flowers. He knew he didn't deserve Frank. He didn't deserve for
anyone to love him.
“You deserve them. You're wonderful, and I love you. Even if I'm annoying
sometimes, or say I'm not gay when other people are around, I still love you.
You're my boyfriend, and my best friend before that. You mean the world to me.”
“I- I don't deserve any of this. No one should love me. I'm too fucked up. I
hurt everyone. You should never ever get me flowers. You got hurt doing it,
you're hands are all bloody. You are so much better than me. You hurt yourself
for love, not to punish yourself for expecting love. You- fuck, you're too
good. Just get out of my life before I hurt you!” Tears were streaming down
Gerard's face. His boyfriend looked at him like he was broken. Like he needed
to love Gerard, because if he didn't, Gee would be alone and hurt in this cruel
world.
It wasn't like Gerard didn't want to be loved, but he knew he didn't deserve
it. He would never be good enough for anyone, even if they hurt him and called
him a freak- which he was. And somehow in this cruel world, he had come in
contact with someone who claimed to love him, even after seeing everything.
Well, most things. Even if Frank only stuck around him because he thought
Gerard needed someone, he was better than anyone else. No one else had ever
even come close to understanding, they'd told him to 'just stop' and 'be
happy', when he couldn't. Part of him thought Frank might have gone through
depression at some point, because someone who didn't know about it first hand
wouldn't understand and try to help like this. He didn't want Frank to leave,
but he knew that he deserved Frank to leave.
“Gee, you know I love you. And I'll never leave you. You're my friend, and my
boyfriend. And I'm not as perfect as you think. Are you okay?” Frank knew it
was a dumb question, but he didn't want to ask if his boyfriend had hurt
himself.
Gerard stared at Frank like his boyfriend had hurt him. “What the fuck do you
think?” he spat, lifting the sleeves of the hoodie. The blood was smeared all
over Gee's arms, and was only sort of dry. Then, more quietly, he said, “I'm
sorry. I don't deserve you.” Tears streamed down Gerard's face. There was no
sound in the room besides Gerard's nearly silent sobs.
“Fine. I'll go.” Frank stood up, and opened the door, then shut it again. “But
one last thing.” He walked over to the bed, and stood over Gee for a moment.
Then, without warning, he leaned in and kissed him.
It was a soft kiss. Romantic, beautiful, and painful. It captured the trauma
and the beauty of young love. Frank had never planned on leaving. He loved
Gerard. He just needed a way for him to think Frank wasn't just blindly loving
him. He wasn't, but he could tell his boyfriend thought he was. Frank knew
Gerard thought that he loved him out of pity. It wasn't anything close.
***** Chapter Twentyone *****
“You- you really- you really care?” Gerard stuttered after breaking apart from
Frank.
Frank stared for a moment. How could Gerard not be loved? How could he believe
people didn't care? How could someone so beautiful be so broken? Frank felt
guilty for the fact he couldn't fix him, couldn't change him, but also guilty
for blaming himself for something caused by disorders and a painful past.
“I care. I always cared, from that first day, when you dropped your comics.”
Okay, so that wasn't true. Frank hadn't wanted to held Gee, but he had. And
over time, he fell in love. And it was hurting. “I love you, god damn it, Gee.
Why I you just accept that? You're the one I love. I know it's hard, but you
need to. Because I don't want to see you hurt.”
Gerard stared at Frank guiltily. “I-I'm sorry. I should just listen, and
believe you, but I can't. For some reason, I feel narcissistic not hating
myself, and thinking that people might not hate me. It's hard. I want to
believe you love me. I know you love me, but I hate me for saying that.”
Frank looked into his boyfriend's deep hazel eyes. He'd been there, sort of.
But to compare his problems to Gee's was to compare a breeze to a fucking
tornado. He'd been sad. He'd thought about hurting himself. He'd hated things
about himself. But he knew his problems weren't as important as his
boyfriend's.
“I- I know it's hard. Just believe me. Why would I lie?” Frank smiled a tiny
smile, just enough to show he cared.
A long line of scenarios flashed behind Gerard's eyes. Frank lying to hurt him,
lying to get popular, lying to get something Gee had. Frank lied a lot, and was
good enough at it to get a lead on Broadway, though he never would, it was too
gay for him. Too gay for an out of the closet bisexual.
An idea crossed Gerard's head, and a smile crossed his face.
“Prove it to me. Prove to me you love me. More than anything. More than your
goddamn dignity and fake heterosexuality. Hold my hand in the hallway. Take my
fucking hand. Prove you love me. You always say you don't give a fuck, but you
do. You built an image, what people are supposed to see when they look at Frank
Iero. It's in every part of you. And you only take it down when we're alone.
Take it down tomorrow, like when we go to the diner, or when we're smoking.
Kill the fucking image. If punk isn't being who you are, fuck being punk. Or
leave me behind.”
Frank's eyes widened. He couldn't. His friends would hate him. He was small
enough to get beat up. And if someone told his family, he would get kicked out.
They were too Catholic to have a gay son. Frank wouldn't even have a place to
sleep. Holding someone's hand could make him lose his life. But he would risk
the whole fucking thing, for Gerard. Because that was love. And love is totally
punk rock.
“I'll do it,” Frank said, his face full of fear and confidence. “For you.”
Frank stood at the door of his dorm.
“Is everything okay?” Ray asked. Frank had been nervous all morning, and had
actually woken up on time, which was quite rare.
“Uh, fine. Just, um, I uh, I have a test today.”
“A test?” Ray looked at him quizzically. “Since when do you care about tests?”
“Um, my uh, my parents, um, they uh, they said that um, if I failed, they'd uh,
take away my um, guitar. So I gotta pass.” Frank dashed out the door. There was
no test. Probably. He never cared if there was a test, his parents wouldn't
dare come near his guitar anyway. It was Gerard. If Frank came out, there was
no going back. He would lose everything for one boy, who hadn't even know for a
year. And he was going to do it. There was no backing out now.
Gee stared at the coffee. He was too nervous to drink it. What if he had pushed
Frank too far? At what point did this become a form of emotional abuse instead
of love? He remember once his boyfriend had mentioned homophobic parents who
would kick him out if he came out. And there were people in the school who knew
people. Who would talk. Who would tell people about them. If it happened, it
could mean Frank being gone. It would mean him never coming back to the school,
maybe getting sent to a military school or being homeless. It would mean the
end of them. He thought about backing out. Telling Frank they didn't have to.
He couldn't let his boyfriend be hurt. If not being in love meant being
together, that's what he would do. Because that was what Frank meant to him.
“Hey.” Gerard heard a familiar voice. He whirled around. His boyfriend was
smiling down at him. “Are we, um, still gonna do the thing?” He looked nervous,
but excited.
“Uh, yeah. I mean, if you still want to. I know that it's hard for you, so, um,
if you're scared and don't want to it's fine if-” Frank cut him off with a
kiss.
“It's okay. I want to. Now let's get inside. It's getting fucking cold out
here, and making out doesn't make it any warmer.” Gerard smiled up at him, and
grabbed his boyfriend's hand, and walked back inside.
***** Chapter Twentytwo *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Frank's heart fluttered in his chest. This wasn't happening. This wasn't
happening. This couldn't be happening. Gerard gave him the opportunity to back
out, but he didn't. He should've. He loved his boyfriend, but he could lose
everything because of this, including said boyfriend. If the story got back to
his family, he would get kicked out, and he wouldn't be coming back to Pencey.
He hated it there, but Gee was there. His friends were there. His band was
there. If he lost that, it would be like dying. It would be worse than dying.
He didn't want to be a has been homeless gay guy who smoked old cigarette butts
and carried around an old white guitar and a Polaroid picture of someone he
hadn't seen in years. But it was for Gerard. And he would do anything for him,
in a dumb love, young love, Romeo and Juliet way. And that terrified him.
The butterflies that filled his stomach and flown into his throat. The words he
wanted to say weren't coming out. Only stutters and “I love you”s. And every
time he tried to tell Gerard why he was scared, the voice in his said told him
that Gee would be pissed because he wasn't the most important thing in his
life. He was, but Frank knew being alive and having a home and being able to
see Gerard was more important than doing what Gee wanted. But the voice wasn't
convinced. All Frank could do was look up and smile, and pretend there was no
such thing as fear.
The dining hall seemed more crowded than usual. Or maybe it wasn't, and it only
seemed that way. Crowds get bigger when you're scared. They weren't holding
hands yet. The plan was for it to happen in the halls, between classes. Frank
wished it was now, the fear was building up inside him. Faces at the tables
caught his eyes. What would they think? He didn't even know half their names.
They were just people he saw on occasion, but now they were messengers. He
looked up at the high ceiling. It was ugly, boring, normal. But he wasn't
looking at it, he was looking past it. He was looking to heaven, to the domain
of his father's god. The god he didn't believe in. A prayer formed in his head.
“Just make everything okay.” In that moment, he wished that he could believe in
something impossible. He wished that he was dumb enough to think some guy who
got nailed to a cross was the savior. He wished he believed in miracles, but he
was too smart. He didn't believe in anything. Except for love. And even then he
was questioning that.
Chemistry. For once Frank tried to focus on a class. But elements were not more
interesting than Gerard, even when they were what made up Gerard. For once he
was sitting in the front. He got called on, took notes, paid attention (sort
of). Just like everyone else. Except everyone else wasn't planning on coming
out of the closet and holding their boyfriend's hand in the crowded hallway in
just five minutes. He wished he was everyone. He knew it was close. The teacher
made some joke about Gerard being gay. The usual. It was all typical, but Frank
couldn't take it anymore. Tears welled up in his eyes. He was going to lose all
of this. Why was it bad to love someone? Why did people hate people for no
reason? He just didn't understand.
The jock sitting next to him saw red eyes as he blinked back tears. “What's
wrong, fa**ot? You're freak boyfriend not want you anymore?” The chubby girl in
the sweater next to him giggled. That's not the problem. The problem's that I
can't love him without losing everything, Frank thought. “Why won't you answer
me, f*g? Too busy crying?”
Frank's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't breathe. He clenched his
fists. The douche was breathing too loudly. Everything needed to stop. There
was too much. It hurt too much. Frank was shaking. He wanted it to stop.
“Answer me fa**ot!” The guy yelled. Frank wanted to yell out “fuck you,” but
the panic attack constricted him from speaking. He wanted to turn and look at
the clock, but he could barely move. He felt paralyzed. That guy might do
something if he moved, like call him more slurs, or worse, insult Gerard. Or
hurt Gerard. That made him think. If he fought through the panic attack, then
Gee would be okay.
Frank inhaled. Oxygen. Lungs. Carbon Dioxide. Again. He could talk. He could
say something make him stop. But he couldn't. But he had to. For Gerard.
“Leave him alone.”
Before Frank could say something he nearly had the courage to say, a beautiful
voice broke the deafening silence. Gerard was like a character from one of his
fucking comic books in that moment. Frank nearly kissed him in the sheer joy.
His boyfriend made him feel safe. And he knew what he needed to do.
“If you ever call me or my boyfriend anything like that ever again, they'll
never find your body.”
The room turned and stared at Frank. He guessed that it wasn't a quiet as he
meant it to sound. Twenty-three pairs of eyes looked at the jock, the punk, and
the freak. And Frank had just come out of the closet and threatened murder in
the same sentence.
“Excuse me, Mr. Iero?”
Chapter End Notes
     I've never written a panic attack scene before, and it took me a
     while, a fuckload of rewrites. please tell me what you think of this.
***** Chapter Twentythree *****
Chapter Notes
     i have a lot written, but i've been to busy (read: lazy) with the
     collected works of ao3 helena_hathaway to type it.
     Sorry it's so short, the next few will be. They were 5 pages in my
     notebook, but minuscule in here!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The whole class watched as Frank stuttered. His life was practically over. They
knew- everything. The death threat would get a writeup and a detention- which
would get his parents called. They would know. God, why did Pencey have to be
so fucking uptight?
"He was talking about this chick he knows, and how she was gonna kill someone
if they kept talking about her boyfriend." Everyone's eyes left Frank and
turned to Gerard.
"Sorry if we were disrupting your class, sir. I promise it won't happen again."
Gee barely stumbled as he lied for Frank.
"Thank you for explaining, Mr. Way. I won't give the three of you detention,
since missing the material for next Monday's quiz is enough punishment. It's
quite a pity that Mr. Iero was only telling a story, since I was hoping you two
were finally revealing your relationship. Class dismissed." Mr. Jackson ushered
the class out as the bell rang.
"Um, uh, um, th-thanks for covering for me," Frank stuttered to Gee once they
were in the hallway.
"It's totally cool. I mean, I-" he lowering his voice. "I love you." Frank gave
a half smile. "And it's fine if you don't want to tell people. It's fine to be
scared. You're only human."
"No, I- I want to," Frank said.
"You seriously don't need to."
"I really want to, Gee."
"Are you sure? Because-" Frank cut him off with a kiss, in front of everyone.
Mikey stared at the couple from across the hallway. Gee had never told him he
was gay, but it was always assumed. But even though they joked about Frank and
him, Mikey never thought they were actually together. Or that they would put
their tongues down each other's throats in public. Love like that wasn't even
legal. Frank had once told him drunk at a party that his parents were extremely
homophobic and Catholic. He had said that they would kick him out if they knew
about him having kissed a boy. Mikey hadn't guessed that that boy was his
brother, or that it was a relationship. He had just guessed it was a one time
thing, a bit of bicuriousity and a game of spin the bottle. That was how Mikey
had gotten his first kiss. But then he was whisked off the prep school, and
never saw the boy again. He was almost glad, because what if for the guy (whose
name Mikey didn't even remember) it had just been a phase?
But Gee and Frank? Together? GAY? Kissing? Mikey wondered how many queer
children a couple could have, since he had always thought one gay kid was an
anomaly. But two? That was fucking insane.
Gerard's eyes were wide open as Frank's lips met his. He had never expected his
boyfriend to kiss him in the halls. Pencey was far from an excepting school,
with its bonehead jocks and religious teachers. This could ruin Frank's life,
if his parents found out. It could end everything, it would ruin them. There
was a beautiful irony in that- love ending love. The thought of sabotage
crossed Gee's mind for a moment. What if Frank did this to break up with him?
But it didn't make sense, it would get them caught. Everyone would know. All of
Pencey would know about the two f*g freak- Frank Iero and Gerard Way.
Frank didn't even realize what he was doing at first- it was an instinct to
kiss him, almost like it was meant to be. He felt like he was in some fucked up
chick flick. And it was too late now to back away. There is no going back in
the closet. And there was no going back now.
Chapter End Notes
     So I've been thinking about introducing more elements of Mikey, his
     point of view and life. And maybe, just maybe, I might introduce more
     characters (other band members, of course), specifically Mikey's
     lover- the emo whore Pete Wentz! (dun dun duhhh)
***** Chapter Twentyfour *****
"I guess this kind of makes holding hands obsolete," Frank smirked, trying to
hide his fear. He was never a good actor.
"I suppose it does." Gerard wondered if Frank was scared but just not showing
it.
"I, um, I still wanna." Frank smiled shyly at the floor like a little kid. He
was going to do it. Just like he planned, only he was trying to ignore the
internal conflict. If his family found out, he'd be fucked.
Frank's smile faltered for a moment, and his boyfriend caught it. "If your
family finds out, I'll find out. I'll stand by you. If they kick you out, you
can live with me. It's gonna be okay." Gee hoped he would be able to stay true
to his words. Frank grinned. "C'mon, let's go." And for the first time, the two
boys interlocked their fingers. Gerard could tell his hands were sweaty, but
Franks seemed so happy that he didn't care. And in that moment, it felt like
everything was going to be alright.
Frank could feel everyone's eyes on him. He could hear bits and pieces of what
they were saying about him. Slurs and that word he hated so much- freak. He'd
rather be called other words starting with the same letter than that. It was
what they called anyone who wasn't everyone. Frank hated that. What was wrong
with being someone else? He was sick of everyone fitting into those cookie
cutter molds. That was why he cut and dyed his hair like that- normal people
didn't have skunk mohawks. At least he was clever enough to hang with the punks
and to be one of them. It kept him from being beat up for his appearance. The
six foot two, two hundred pound jocks stayed away from him, his edginess scared
them.But he didn't think that the Misfits in his walkman could keep him safe
anymore. He'd become Frank "f*g" Anthony Iero.
The hallway seemed to last forever, but finally the boys reached the last
stretch of lockers before the stairwell. They had made it. When Gerard opened
the door the door, they felt the cold, stale air of the staircase.
"We did it," Gee breathed. It was okay now. "Let's go up now, we can hang in my
room until dinner."
"Nah man, let's go to the diner. I wanna carve our initials into the that
corner booth. But we gotta go up first, I'm running out of my currency."
"You could always go into prostitution," Gerard joked as he led his boyfriend
up the stairs.
There was a sort of path in the woods to the fence. It had snowed since they'd
last gone, so their last tracks weren't visible, but the snow was thinner
there. They made new tracks through the snow as they talked. There was
something different in the air of their relationship. It was like it was
official or something. Gerard could see it. It was a breakthrough, and it was
beautiful. Most couple's moment like this was the first "I love you", but that
had come much sooner. Things were different, and there was no turning back now.
They hitched a ride in a stranger's pickup, having jumped in the bed, they lay
flat on their backs, silently, until they reached town. The boys climbed out as
the strangers drove past the diner. The bells on the door rang as they walked
into the diner. The waitress greeted them and led them to their booths. She
poured them coffee, and made small talk with them.
"How's school?"
"I think I passed most of my exams, if that's what you mean. I think Gee only
passed art, though."
"Not true! I'm only struggling in chem."
"Doing anything interesting for spring break?"
"Not sure. Frankie?"
"I dunno. Maybe I'll stay with you to avoid my parents."
And the conversation went on. The veggie burgers came, and then the check.
Frank slid the cigarettes in with the cash. It was jut like any other night.
End Notes
     please comment ailsa likes comments!
     also, if you love me enough, follow mychemicaldorks on tumblr.
     My laptop broke, so I will keep writing, but in an actual notebook!
     (so last century, am I right?)
     if you need to contact me, please email ailsathemay@gmail.com
     I'm so sorry I can barely update, my handwriting is fucking
     atrocious! Also, school starts in about a week, so I'm really busy.
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