Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7870489.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      VIXX, K-pop
  Relationship:
      Jung_Taekwoon_|_Leo/Lee_Jaehwan_|_Ken
  Character:
      Jung_Taekwoon_|_Leo, Lee_Jaehwan_|_Ken, Cha_Hakyeon_|_N, Han_Sanghyuk_|
      Hyuk, Lee_Hongbin, Kim_Wonshik_|_Ravi
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, poor_writing, Homophobia, Homophobic
      Slurs
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-08-25 Words: 33810
****** little talks ******
by jaehwandred
Summary
     Jaehwan had everything going for him. Except for the whole
     homosexuality identity crisis thing. But that was part of the
     quintessential high school experience where you discovered yourself
     somewhere along the way, right?
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
The choir room was Jaehwan’s last safe refuge.
A quiet sanctuary untouched by the influx of new students that had transferred
in. His father, a new member of the school board, thought that both schools
would be better off if they attempted to integrate the slowly dwindling
population of students from the nearby neighborhood into their own school. He
had been wrong to think that these new students would be hardly noticeable but
they stood out, rough and uncouth next to the cultured and prim air of freshly
pressed uniforms and shiny cars. Worse, they seemed to have no respect for the
rules, running down the hallways with the reckless abandon of youth expressed
in raucuous catcalls and noise. Before this, he hadn’t even truly believed it
was possible to get below a 3.5 GPA until the new students proved him wrong
quite quickly. (He wasn’t the brightest or most driven student but, really,
even he had managed to scrape by with a 4.0 and he wasn’t even taking that many
Honors classes).
Frankly, he couldn’t stand them.
He was sure they would have overrun the choir too had he not been left in
charge of it. The choir’s numbers were already low, Jaehwan wasn’t going to put
up with any tone deaf hopefuls and seeing as the new students could barely show
up to class with any regularity, he wasn’t counting on a wealth of hidden
talent from them.
He rubbed at his forehead, breathing out a sigh of tension as he stepped into
the choir room. The dust caught in the afternoon light, shimmering in the
afternoon. It was usually quiet here after school, the majority of plunking on
piano keys and impromptu harmonizations saved for lunch or class. Most of the
members had far too many extra-curriculars after school to linger. A mock trial
meeting here, volunteer work there, practice for any number of varsity sports
teams. All for the sake of college applications, of course. Jaehwan doubted
anyone would willingly work themselves half to death for the fun of it.
His sense of tranquility was short lived, his eyes immediately narrowed when he
realized he wasn’t the only one in there. It had been a long day and Jaehwan
fought the overwhelming urge to grab the nearest binder of sheet music and
throw it at the other person for disturbing his peace. “In case you were
unaware, this room is off limits to students without express permission from
the faculty.” He gritted out, his patience wearing thin after three consecutive
tests that day. It was a lie, of course, but most of the bullshit that came out
of his mouth went largely unquestioned.
The other blinked at him, his hands hovering above the piano, the remnants of a
last note hanging in the air behind him. His eyes were dark and piercing with
the kind of permanent glare that would probably terrify Jaehwan had he not been
backed up by the fact that nobody in this school particularly wanted to get on
his bad side considering the fact that his family more or less had enough
wealth and influence to practically own the school. “I’m sorry,” the boy said,
his voice feather soft in direct contrast with his broad shoulders and
intimidating features. It offset Jaehwan. “The door was open so I assumed this
room was for everybody to use.” He stood up in a brusque manner, betraying the
slight annoyance behind his polite words and he didn’t spare a glance as he
brushed past Jaehwan on the way out.
Jaehwan just frowned some more and decided he was in too foul of a mood to
attempt any sort of individual practice. He moved to put away the sheet music
the stranger disturbed, shutting the piano lid with practiced care. The
intruder was probably one of the new students, usually not even the Freshman
wandered into the choir room.
He sighed and locked the choir room behind him with a click, stuffing his keys
back into his backpack when a loud albeit familiar voice came from behind. Cha
Hakyeon strode towards him and Jaehwan silently wondered why that long necked
fucker would never leave him alone. For all his (usually) fake denouncement of
the boy he did both to Hakyeon’s face and behind his back, he still remained
one of Jaehwan’s closest friends. Which was saying something because rarely did
anybody stick around to look past Jaehwan’s self-absorbed tendencies and
frankly obnoxious personality. Well. It probably helped that they both grew up
together but that was besides the matter. Despite Hakyeon’s motherly
tendencies, he had always meant well.
“Long day?” Hakyeon asked as he approached, slinging his arm over Jaehwan’s
shoulder. “I’m pretty sure they’re just making stuff up in Pre-Calc now because
that class is unreal.”
Jaehwan managed a weak smile in agreement. “Math isn’t terrible but I’m pretty
sure if we didn’t have a crazy feminist for an English teacher, we’d both be
scoring significantly higher,” He snorted derisively, “I’m pretty sure I’m only
failing because I once implied that I didn’t think the Great Gatsby was the
greatest book ever written but I’ll pull up my grade by the end of the
semester. Maybe.”
“Your class must suck then because she loves our class. Probably because we
have one of the smart new students and she thinks he’s hilarious.” Hakyeon
shrugged as he adjusted his backpack. “You know, they’re actuallynot too bad if
you just pretend they aren’t there and the ones that were smart enough to
actually make it into any of the honors classes are bearable.”
Jaehwan made a non-commital noise of agreement, “I probably left the choir room
accidentally unlocked because one of the new students was in there. Tall, big
shoulders, looks like he’s just committed a murder and is ready for his second
one of the day. I forgot that they don’t know that they should probably stay
out of the choir room before they risk facing my eternal wrath.”
Hakyeon’s eyes lit up with interest. “I think I know who you’re talking about.
Taekwoon, I think? Oh, Wonsik told me he’s pretty fucking scary and has said
maybe one sentence ever since the beginning of the school year.”
“Wonsik?”
“The kid in my English class,” Hakyeon waved a hand dismissively. “He’s one of
the smarter ones, nobody really knows anything about him and all though because
he’s just one of those people that are kind of there, you know? I think he’s in
one or two of my classes and I didn’t even notice him until Sanghyuk introduced
me to him.”
“Leave it to Sanghyuk to be trying to make new friends with all of them,”
Jaehwan breathed the words out in an almost sigh.
“He’s always been friendly like that. I should probably take a leaf out of his
book seeing as I’m Student Council president and all. I should probably be
doing the same thing, now that I think of it.” Hakyeon frowned slightly when he
heard Jaehwan mutter something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like
he was accusing Hakyeon of being a shitty leader. “Frankly, I think you’re the
only one that’s this bothered by them. Sanghyuk knows a couple of them and they
seem nice. He thinks Taekwoon is the most interesting though. He doesn’t talk a
lot but he said that he’s funnier than you would think.”
“Sanghyuk is interested in any poor soul he could possibly lure into joining
his stupid club though.” Jaehwan laughed at the thought, lightening up around
Hakyeon as they strolled out to the parking lot. “Everybody thinks Sanghyuk is
nice and innocent at first until he starts pestering them to join his club and
they find out what a giant weeb he is because he just watches anime and cries a
lot.”
“Oh? You do the same though.” Hakyeon turned to him with a mischievous smile on
his face.
Jaehwan exaggerated a scowl as he hit Hakyeon’s neck. “I’ve only seen one,
okay, maybe ten or so animes, and I’ve never cried over any of them. Why do you
bully me when I’m nice enough to offer you rides home?”
Hakyeon made a face. “I only accept your offer because gas prices keep going up
and you’re rich so I don’t feel bad about spending your money. You should be
lucky I’m volunteering to spend any more time with you than necessary.”
Jaehwan laughed at that as he slipped into the driver’s seat, fiddling with the
radio station as they drove to Hakyeon’s house in the company of the music.
After dropping an ungrateful Hakyeon off, it was hard to forget the piercing
sharpness of Taekwoon’s eyes. Maybe he was just being a pretentious asshole and
Hakyeon was right. (That seemed to be a general trend in his life.) Perhaps
there was more to these students beyond their ragtag clothing and seeming
disregard for structure.
—
Taekwoon winced at the inevitable amount of noise that came with Club Rush.
Bullhorns tried their best to outcompete each other over a garish pop
soundtrack, all the different organizations of the school vying for the
attention of the students. He had agreed to come with Sanghyuk to help out with
his club if only it meant getting out of class for one period. He quickly came
to regret that decision when he realized just how much Sanghyuk cared about Key
Club. He had only been president for three or four months and suddenly, Key
Club became his entire life. Sanghyuk had fed him an obviously pre-canned
speech about how they were the oldest and largest high school service
organization and every club is part of an international family and they were
more than a club, they were a lifestyle.
Taekwoon privately thought that Sanghyuk’s overzealous nature for his club was
doing more harm than good but he was feeling generous enough today to let his
dream live.
“None of these clubs are even active anyways I don’t even see why they bother.”
Sanghyuk gestured with his hand that wasn’t holding a stack of flyers. “I mean,
I suppose, all the performing art ones do stuff but they’re so exclusive I
don’t know why they bother advertising. The drama club is nice but with Jaehwan
and his monopoly on anything that involves singing, well, let’s just say that
unless you’re blessed with a voice from the gods, the chances of admission are
very low.”
“Mm,” Taekwoon made a noncommittal noise as he looked up in interest towards
the booths set up in the shade. There was quite an elaborate display for the
choir booth but its members looked more interested in their own conversations
than attracting any new members. “But it’s not impossible to join, is it?”
Sanghyuk raised an eyebrow, looking quizzically at Taekwoon. “You really think
Jaehwan will let you join? No offense but your voice isn’t exactly powerhouse
singing material.”
He must have communicated something in his half glare because Sanghyuk quickly
wilted and shut up under his gaze. After a minute more or so of following
Sanghyuk around as he tried to indoctrinate freshman into committing to club
membership, Taekwoon seemed to have made up his mind as he dumped the remaining
stack of flyers on Sanghyuk and abandoned him in favor of heading towards the
choir booth. It seemed as though they rarely had any people genuinely
interested in truly trying to join but one of them broke off to address him, a
shiny badge gleaming importantly upon his chest.
His neat hair styled up spoke of an hour ritual in the morning, his iron-
pressed uniform of old money. But the rest of his cohorts were no different in
that respect. He was different because of the way he held himself, like he
owned the world and knew it. He strided over because walking was for mere
mortals and he struck Taekwoon as the kind of person who would punctuate his
sentences with built in spots for applause, awe, and admiration.
He puffed out his chest, probably ready to launch into a spiel but broke off
when his eyes narrowed as he realized who Taekwoon was. “I know you.You’re the
one that broke into the choir room the other day.” His tone was ridiculously
accusatory, as if he had just accused Taekwoon of high treason instead of
breaching a ridiculous unspoken school rule.
“I didn’t know that it was off limits. The door was open.” Taekwoon said, quick
and straight to the point. “I realize that you’re selective about who you let
in but you shouldn’t discount anyone before they’ve had a chance to prove
themselves.”
Jaehwan blinked in surprise, taken aback by his forwardness. He was expecting
at least some kind of small talk and he probably wasn’t expecting any sort of
assertive nature from the soft spoken Taekwoon. He recovered quickly, though,
all the pieces falling back into place. “You’re new at this school and you
can’t back up your claims. Also,” He paused, his eyes raking over Taekwoon’s
form. “Well, to put it bluntly, we are an award winning choir and I will not
have our reputation tarnished by simply allowing anyone to join if they simply
show initiative.”
Taekwoon remained silent for a bit, always one to consider his next words
before he actually spoke. “Then I’ll prove it to you.” He said steadily, his
eyes meeting Jaehwan’s.
“And how exactly do you expect to do that?”
“You’ll meet me in the choir room after school.” Taekwoon could not help the
inward twinge of smugness as he took note of Jaehwan’s surprised expression
again, it was a little amusing to watch the emotions play across his face.
Jaehwan’s face scrunched up momentarily in displeasure at being told what to
do, then the furrow of his eyebrow smoothed out a little to consider it as he
chewed on his lower lip, and it flickered back to annoyance as he tried and
failed to stare down the slightly taller Taekwoon. Taekwoon never flinched,
just kept his stare level as Jaehwan crossed his arms petulantly before huffing
in defeat.
“Fine,” Jaehwan waved his hand dismissively. “I’ll give you a chance. Maybe. I
hope you know that’s only because I happen to have nothing to do after school
today and I’m in a particularly giving mood at the moment.” He pointed his
finger threateningly. “Don’t expect this generosity again in the future!”
Taekwoon nodded stoically and he didn’t bother trying to suppress the small
smile on his face as Jaehwan yelled after him not to be late, his squawk
carrying across the plaza.
Sanghyuk caught up to him again soon after, curiosity agleam in his eyes and
Taekwoon noted that the pile of flyers in Sanghyuk’s arms seemed to be greatly
diminished. He could only hope they went to prospective members instead of
straight into the trash can after Sanghyuk handed them out. “Jaehwan agreed to
meet me in the choir room after school.” He decided upon answering Sanghyuk’s
question before it could be asked.
That clearly wasn’t the answer Sanghyuk was expecting because he gaped at him.
“Really?” He asked. “He must really see something special in you then.”
“Mm.” Taekwoon said in vague assent as he trailed after Sanghyuk, tuning out
the noisy rancor of the students around him as he lost himself in his own
thoughts.
—
Taekwoon hadn’t expected there to already be an occupant when he stepped into
the choir room, the bright fluorescent lights already illuminating the space.
It turned the softness of the room into a display. He had to fight to school
his face into an unaffected expression when he saw Jaehwan scramble to lean
against the piano, his expression and posture one of cool and collected
arrogance, smoothing out the front of his shirt and readjusting his tie.
“Ah, so you came after all.” Jaehwan gestured for Taekwoon to enter the room.
“We haven’t really had any formal auditions in awhile. I usually know talent
when I hear it so I don’t often exactly have the patience for this but,” He
made a sweeping motion towards the piano, “Impress me.” He cocked an eyebrow at
Taekwoon, his arms folded across his chest. Taekwoon had rarely been affected
by nerves before but he knew Jaehwan already had rejection on the tip of his
tongue even before he began.
He eased into the familiarity of the piano, clear and high notes ringing in the
air and he forced himself to ignore the presence of Jaehwan, focusing on simply
singing, his passion that had come to him so easily unlike anything else in his
life.
The only thing that snapped him out of his reverie was Jaehwan’s voice joining
him. He never thought that anybody else knew the lyrics to this song but he
chanced a glance up to see Jaehwan’s gaze focused on nothing in particular,
adding his own harmonizations to the song as if it were second nature, his rich
tone filling up the spacious room. Was this a test to see how he would handle
an impromptu element in his performance? He couldn’t be sure, he didn’t let
himself falter.
Taekwoon had already prepared himself for Jaehwan’s sharp reprieve so he was
thrown off guard by the genuine smile that Jaehwan offered him instead. It
truly did seem that Jaehwan was a different person every other conversation.
“You did well, I’m glad I gave you the chance.” Jaehwan admitted before
scoffing aloud to himself. “I can’t believe I’m doing this but your voice would
fit in well with our choir. Your breath control could use some work and it’s
obvious you’ve never received any real formal training but even I can not deny
your natural aptitude.” He paused for a moment before adding in an
afterthought, “And it doesn’t hurt that I did quite like the song you chose. It
suits you.”
Taekwoon stared back at him incredulously before simply inclining his head.
“I don’t even get a thank you?” Jaehwan said indignantly after a few beats of
silence from Taekwoon. He frowned, the emotion exaggerated on his face into an
almost pout and Taekwoon realized that for all of his pretentious and showy
behavior, Jaehwan was proving to be quite, well, an idiot. This wasn’t what he
had expected at all and Taekwoon felt almost on edge, something knotting in his
stomach when he realized how different Jaehwan was from his expectations, it
was almost as if he met a different version of him every time they’ve met.
“Whatever, fine!” Jaehwan threw his hands up dramatically. “Our practices start
next week and we meet every day except for Wednesdays. I’ll give you the forms
and I expect them in by this Friday.”
Taekwoon nodded again and gathered his stuff quickly, heading towards the door.
He paused before he left, turning just slightly. “Thank you.”
—
Jaehwan was left in the ensuing silence of the choir room, left with the memory
of how genuine the passion was in Taekwoon’s voice as he sang. It had been a
long time since he had heard that genuine love for singing in his own voice,
let alone in someone else’s. From their admittedly few encounters, he had
already accepted Taekwoon’s general taciturnity but he had never expected his
powerful yet lilting voice when he sang. He figured it was normal to feel this
vague sense of nervousness around Taekwoon, after all, he generally gave off an
aura of “Fuck with me and I’ll kill your entire family and kidnap a puppy while
I’m at it”, and he chose to ignore the fact that he knew that this nervous
tightening in his stomach wasn’t caused just by Taekwoon’s ominous silence and
piercing eyes.
He left the choir room with a headache throbbing behind his temples, hurriedly
tidying up the place before he departed, his backpack slung over one shoulder.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached to check it, his phone informing
him that he had two new notifications from ☼ min doheee ☼. The sigh Jaehwan let
out was involuntary at the thought of having to come up with yet another excuse
to avoid her for the weekend. He wasn’t an idiot, everybody knew that his
fellow choir mate was head over heels for him but Jaehwan simply couldn’t bring
himself to care. Others envied him for it, he had been pestered by others
asking for tips and tricks on how to win Min Dohee’s heart but he had never
considered her as more than a friend until now. He wasn’t sure if he would ever
be able to move past that.
Jaehwan supposed he should eventually let her down easy but that felt too close
to admitting that something was wrong. There was nothing wrong with Min Dohee,
she was popular, sweet, funny, and a talented singer. They were easy friends
ever since their first meeting on the first day of freshman year and he
supposed that had things been different, Jaehwan could have been in love with
her. A could have, would have, should have.
Jaehwan quickly texted back with a flimsy excuse on how he had to visit his
grandmother this weekend and couldn’t catch a movie with her, ending it with a
hopeful “Maybe next week.” He didn’t think he’d ever come to terms with the
fact that girls were just not as attractive to him as they should be. In both
the ideal world of Jaehwan and his parents, he would find a pretty girl that
was soft and caring in all the places where Jaehwan was sharp and cutting and
they would build a family, a stable happiness in the whirlwind of the world
that surrounded them. But he would never have that because Min Dohee was
perfect in every way. The problem was that Jaehwan didn’t want perfect and
never would.
—
Jaehwan usually had the entire morning to fill up with complaints before
spilling them at lunch to a bemused Hakyeon but today was different. Before he
could complain about how his father forced his academic counselor to move him
up into AP Physics, he was stopped short by the sight of one Jung Taekwoon at a
table where one Jung Taekwoon did not belong.
“What is he doing here?” He didn’t particularly care that he sounded a bit rude
about it but he really, really didn’t like the way Taekwoon always made him
feel as if he were on the edge of his seat.
“As Student Council president, it’s my mission to make every student feel
welcome, no matter where they came from or the circumstances that landed them
at Jelpi High!” Hakyeon said cheerfully, probably just to get on Jaehwan’s
nerve knowing him and he patted the empty space next to him. “Come and join us,
our dearest Jaehwan.”
He grumbled something under his breath but eventually relented, sitting down
and out of habit, tossed his lunch towards Sanghyuk. “I’ll trade you my lunch
for the English homework?” Sanghyuk raised an expectant eyebrow and Jaehwan
hated how quickly the little shit had realized that Jaehwan was always
desperate for homework and there wasn’t too much of a price limit when it came
on how much he was willing to pay to acquire it. “Fine, I’ll also, I don’t
know. Fuck, okay, fine. I’ll throw in ten dollars, too.”
Sanghyuk broke into a grin and readily accepted the offered bill and Jaehwan’s
lunch. “You’re always so easy.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
“Rich choir kids are my favorite victims. You guys never do your homework and
you never run out of money, it’s easy business, really.” Sanghyuk informed him
as he rummaged through his backpack for his homework.
“I’m not even that rich, though!” Jaehwan protested despite Taekwoon’s audible
derisive scoff from across the table.
“Jaehwan, you wore your smart watch into a pool once because you were too lazy
to take it off and you just happened to have three replacement ones. And-“ He
smacked Jaehwan’s side when he tried to interrupt. “Don’t get me started on the
fact that you get a new phone pretty much every month and before you learned to
drive, you just called an Uber every time you wanted to get to the coffee shop
down the street even though it was, like, five minutes away walking distance.”
Jaehwan had to admit that the excessive spending before he got a car himself
was a bit much but Hakyeon and Sanghyuk had just as much money as him so he
wasn’t even sure why they felt the need to relentlessly tease him about this.
“Okay, fine, I’m well off but that doesn’t excuse the fact that you two are
always trying to leech money off of me!” He shook his head, muttering.
“Parasites.”
He drowned out the usual bickering conversations Hakyeon and Sanghyuk had but
today, there was the added bonus of Hakyeon shaking and pestering Taekwoon in
trying to get him to talk. He looked up from trying to quickly copy Sanghyuk’s
homework before the next class when Hakyeon and Taekwoon came back from
ordering lunch and he had to bite down on his lip when he caught sight of how
Taekwoon seemed to look almost lost at the prospect of so much food.
Taekwoon weakly protested at the free gift of lunch but after Hakyeon
threatened to shove the food down his throat, Taekwoon eventually gave in.
“So what do you like to do anyways, Taekwoon?” Hakyeon was greeted by
Taekwoon’s half hearted attempt at a glare. “Hey, I bought you lunch so you
have to talk to me at least once!”
Taekwoon shrugged before deciding to regale him with at least one answer.
“Sing.”
Hakyeon looked delighted even at the one word reply and he gave Jaehwan that
trademark hundred wattage smile of his. “You should ask Jaehwan to join his
cult, I mean, choir, then!”
Jaehwan couldn’t wipe the bashful face off his look fast enough, licking his
lips out of habit. “Actually, I already let him in. He starts Monday.” Sanghyuk
looked up from his lunch, gaping at Jaehwan and he had the distinct impression
that both him and Hakyeon could feel the heat of embarrassment rolling off of
him in waves but even he wasn’t sure why he felt so suddenly chagrined.
The embarrassment died down quickly after Hakyeon cooed patronizingly, his face
lighting up in delight. “I never thought I’d live to see the day where Jaehwan
actually recognizes that there are other people that can sing in this school
besides him!” He placed his hand over his heart for dramatic effect. “My son is
finally growing up.”
Jaehwan cut him off quickly by pushing him away and almost off the table.
Hakyeon screeched at him in defiance as Jaehwan ignores him with a finesse
perfected over the years. Taekwoon was relatively unaffected by the scene and
shrugged. Jaehwan was under the impression that nothing could faze him and if
the school were to catch on fire this very moment, Taekwoon would only look
vaguely surprised and walk calmly out of the burning building.
Hakyeon spent most of lunch talking shit about Jaehwan to Taekwoon, going on
about how Jaehwan wasn’t always a grumpy old man and somewhere, deep down
inside, he’s sure that he’s still capable of love and cracking a joke that
doesn’t offend anyone. Jaehwan doesn’t pay much attention to him, he’s quiet
for once (an unusual occurrence when he’s at their lunch table), watching as
Taekwoon smiles with his eyes, his lips barely curving up and he loves that
little chuckle that Taekwoon makes when he’s amused, on the verge of growing
into full on laughter.
“You should be friends.” Hakyeon said, clearly referring to Taekwoon and
Jaehwan and subsequently breaking him out of his reverie. “Maybe you’ll be the
person that finally makes Jaehwan realize that he always has his head up his
ass and he’s an annoying little shit.” He said in aside to Taekwoon and Jaehwan
really hates how stomach knots up in response to how Taekwoon’s eyes crinkle up
a little bit in laughter.
“Hey, hey!” Jaehwan complained, scowling in a playful manner as the others
laughed. “I’m really not even that bad. I’m in high school, what do you expect
from me? It’s my time to shine and be a bitter and angsty teenager, how dare
you people slander me like this?” He grabs a fork and threateningly jabs at
Hakyeon beside him, laughing when Hakyeon dramatically pretended to keel over
in pain.
Even as he’s headed home that day, Jaehwan can still hear Taekwoon’s light
laughter from Jaehwan’s antics and he really doesn’t want to think about how
much he wants to make Taekwoon laugh again. He decided to shut down that train
of thought before it veered off into dangerous territory.
—
Despite Hakyeon’s pestering and motherly nature, Taekwoon found that he could
be added to the small group of people he truly liked. Granted, he had never
been one to keep around many friends simply because he preferred the quiet,
being left to his own devices when he needed a break from the fast paced school
week. He never had a hard time making acquaintances, the people he saw every
day in class, that he talked to once every awhile but it was harder to keep
friends that he didn’t simply feel exhausted with when he was around them. He
expected Hakyeon and Sanghyuk to wear on him after awhile, they were simply too
much. They talked and bickered and never caught a break but Taekwoon found that
they never expected him to talk much or laugh along with them but they always
included him and he would never voice these thoughts aloud but he was thankful
for their simple acceptance with no questions asked and no expectations raised.
When he was with them, he often forgot that he was supposed to be out of place
in sparkling white halls and monogrammed notebooks and the latest technology
when Taekwoon could barely afford to keep his uniform in tact and his own
textbooks were falling apart despite the fact that it was only a month or two
into the school year. Jaehwan was always there too, he hadn’t expected any
differently after he found out that Hakyeon and Jaehwan’s families had been
friends since as long as either of them could remember.
Jaehwan was strange. He was loud and goofy with an almost cringeworthy sense of
humor yet paired with a wit sharp enough to cut steel. He was bold and
confident but sometimes faltered, cutting himself off halfway through a
sentence, seemingly embarrassed of himself and his own thoughts. He was the
type of person that affected the mood of the group without even seeming to
realize it, when Jaehwan was in high spirits, even Taekwoon was affected, but
as soon as he had a bad day, Hakyeon and Sanghyuk followed suit. That and he
never missed how Jaehwan’s eyes flickered up to meet his after he cracked a
joke or how he seemed skittish and nervous every time Taekwoon got too close,
it was strange being around Jaehwan for too long so it was hard to really
consider him a friend even if they did spend a decent amount of time together.
Taekwoon sat at the lab table with Sanghyuk by his side, chattering amiably
away to Hongbin across from him. When the lab groups were chosen, Hongbin
almost bowled over a smaller girl as he rushed to Taekwoon, probably grateful
that he recognized a familiar face amidst the unwelcoming original students of
Jelpi High. Taekwoon hadn’t even known Hongbin that well but he supposed the
fact that they shared a couple classes together at their old school was enough
to provide some sense of reassurance in a new place.
The two chattered away amiably as Taekwoon flipped through his textbook, trying
to get a head start on the night’s homework. He knew he would be busy later
that evening, booked for a double shift until midnight so he’d be lucky if he
managed to go to sleep at any sort of decent hour tonight.
There was a lull in the conversations in the classroom as the door opened
quietly and Taekwoon looked up momentarily in interest to meet Jaehwan’s eye.
Jaehwan quickly strode over to their table, looking relieved to find Sanghyuk
in this class.
“Thank God I know at least two people in this class,” Jaehwan sat next to
Hongbin, letting his bag crash to the floor as he smiled cheerfully at
Sanghyuk. “Now I can leech off your homework and maybe I have a chance at
passing Physics!”
Sanghyuk groaned and Hongbin stared at Jaehwan quizzically as if trying to rack
his memory and put a name to the face.
Of course Taekwoon had forgotten that Jaehwan had been transferred to a higher
science class courtesy of his father but for all of Jaehwan’s charms and
alluring presence, most of his time spent with Jaehwan left him unsettled and
almost frustrated, as if he knew there could be something more than just
amiable acquaintanceship between them but that something would never be
realized.
“Well, I hope you guys know what the fuck you’re doing in this class because I
barely passed Honors Chemistry and that class wasn’t even that hard.” Jaehwan
yawned, his head on his hand, taking dull note of the lab equipments that were
laid out on the table. Taekwoon didn’t want to mention that Jaehwan probably
meant that he barely got an A in that class and that was with a private tutor
he could afford to higher and brand new books not salvaged from his local
library and Taekwoon would kill to have the same privileges some of the
students at this school had but he wasn’t naive, he knew this difference would
always exist between them. He just tried to ignore it most of the time.
“Hongbin and Sanghyuk are smart. I just copy all of their work.” Taekwoon said
truthfully, his voice quiet enough to avoid detection by their teacher as the
bell rung and she started relaying the day’s instructions.
Taekwoon quickly found out that with Jaehwan as his lab partner, he was forced
to do most of the thinking because Jaehwan was content to laze around on his
phone and when he did try to help Taekwoon, he ended up being more of a
hindrance than anything else.
Halfway through the class and Taekwoon was seriously considering throwing
himself out the second story window to escape Jaehwan, though, if he didn’t
stop with his shitty googled pick up lines. “Wait, no, but I swear this is a
good one!” Jaehwan positively whined as he grabbed onto Taekwoon’s sleeve and
pulled him back as he tried to leave under the guise of going to the bathroom.
“Hey, are you gravity? Because I think you made me fall for you.”
Taekwoon groaned, the most reaction he had given all class and resigned to his
fate, laying his head down on the table as Sanghyuk chortled at him from the
next lab table. It had been too late to realize that Jaehwan was quite useless
and was only good for his money.
With mostly silence on Taekwoon’s part, he soon realized that Jaehwan had a
tendency to ramble when no one talked back to him. This was the most at ease he
had seen Jaehwan around him but he was certain that was only because Jaehwan
was too preoccupied with his phone to regulate his own behavior. Taekwoon was
privately glad for the ring of the bell that dismissed him from class, Jaehwan
was amusing but when he was trying to focus on completing their lab for the
both of them, he would rather do so in comfortable silence.
The rest of the students filed past them, Hongbin and Sanghyuk waving them a
quick goodbye as they hurried on to their next class, but Jaehwan lingered,
purposefully taking his time in putting the various pieces of lab equipment
away. He finally realized that Taekwoon was watching him, his posture
expectant.
Jaehwan only sighed, chewing on his lower lip. “I kind of need your number for
this class, since we’re lab partners and all and I think I could definitely use
some help with the homework.” He finally admitted, looking suddenly bashful and
small despite his usual confidence puffing him up.
Taekwoon simply lay out his hand for Jaehwan to hand him his phone and typed in
his number without a fuss but Jaehwan fumbled with his phone as he slipped it
back into his pocket. Taekwoon heard Jaehwan mumble a weak goodbye as he
brushed past him and he could only wonder why it was such a big deal for
Jaehwan just to ask him for his number and he could have gotten in from Hakyeon
later anyways.They were just friends, after all, it just seemed as if Jaehwan
was turning this into a bigger deal than that and Taekwoon couldn’t puzzle out
why.
--
The twinge of surprise when he realized that Taekwoon is joining them for one
of their customary after school boba outings is rather marginal considering how
easily Hakyeon and Sanghyuk had accepted him into their group.
“Oh, by the way, Jaehwan, I found out that Taekwoon sort of lives near-ish you
anyways, so you’re also dropping him off afterwards.” Hakyeon said and Jaehwan
wasn’t expecting that, neither was Taekwoon by the looks of his half hearted
scowl.
“Or because you’re rich bourgeoisie scum, you can just call him an Uber if
driving someone home is too much of an inconvenience to you.” Sanghyuk said and
Jaehwan really needed to instill some respect into that kid. He wistfully
remembered the days where Sanghyuk actually listened to him and didn’t
antagonize him but after a major growth spurt in Junior Year, well, Jaehwan
couldn’t really do that thing where he towered over him and lectured him
anymore so he gave it up as a lost cause.
Taekwoon was really scowling now and Jaehwan would be worried had he not known
that Taekwoon’s face of annoyance was often more serious than it looked. “You
really don’t have to, it’s not that big of a deal, I have somewhere to be after
school anyways.” Taekwoon said, staring at his feet.
“It’s fine, really.” Jaehwan interjected quickly. “I don’t mind driving you
afterwards it’s not a big deal.”
“No, it’s just that,” Taekwoon inhaled sharply before he stopped speaking,
clearly thinking over his next words. “I don’t really have the money to spend
on a treat like this and I have work in an hour or so.” His expression never
changed but he crossed his arms, a sharp defensive posture. It clicked,
suddenly, that Taekwoon was embarrassed of the fact that the glaring difference
between him and the rest of them was so obvious.
“Ah, don’t worry about it. I’ll pay then and we can leave early.” Jaehwan said
and Taekwoon looked at him in surprise, his eyes soon softening into
gratefulness that Jaehwan quickly smoothed over the tension that hung between
them.
Sanghyuk and Hakyeon shared a look that made Jaehwan’s ears heat up and there
was just a little too much conveyed between them in Hakyeon’s knowing smile.
Jaehwan was torn between wanting to get himself run over or waiting until they
least suspected it and hitting them with his own car.
“Oh God, no, not this fucking emo music again.” Sanghyuk immediately began to
complain as they drove off. Jaehwan mentally made a note to run over every
speed bump at high speeds and hoping that Sanghyuk hit his head on the roof of
his car. Serves him right for growing so tall.
“It’s not emo music, it’s art!” Jaehwan said indignantly, purposefully turning
it up, the heavy beat and dramatic music blasting through his car’s state of
the art speakers.
“I like this song.” Taekwoon said softly beside him, just loud enough to be
heard after Jaehwan was done belting the main chorus.
“Two emos.” Hakyeon said with a small sound of defeat, staring at his hands as
if this was the worst news he had heard all day.
Jaehwan laughed, a genuine sound as he turned down the music just marginally
and he turned to catch Taekwoon’s eye with a hint of mischief gleaming in them
and he may or may not have missed the green light because just for a second,
Taekwoon’s delight in his eyes was more distracting.
Things quickly went south when a familiar note rang out and the happiness
quickly left Taekwoon’s eyes when he realized that Welcome to the Black Parade
was on the radio.
Hakyeon positively cackled in the back. “Holy shit, this song has destroyed
every emo I’ve known.”
Taekwoon looked like the only thing he wanted more than to strangle Cha Hakyeon
was the sweet release of death. “I still can’t believe MCR broke up.” He said,
his voice flat. Jaehwan reached over slightly to give him a comforting pat of
condolence.
“Honestly, nobody’s really over it.” Jaehwan sighed, a sound full of nostalgia,
until Sanghyuk yelled at him from the backseat to snap out of it.
—
Jaehwan and Taekwoon walked out, Taekwoon shyly stammering his thanks before
Jaehwan eventually hit him lightly in the head to shut him up. He quietly
sipped on his drink after that and Jaehwan was left with the impression that he
had rarely been treated to a small thing such as an after school treat like
this and it was something that he had never even thought twice about.
“You want me to drop you off at the bowling alley right on Main right?” Jaehwan
asked, already searching for the location on his phone.
“Mm.” Taekwoon said around his straw.
The ride there was in comfortable quietness, broken by Taekwoon quietly singing
along to Jaehwan’s song selection of choice. Jaehwan really doesn’t want to
think about how nice Taekwoon’s voice really is and how much he’s improved
since he had joined choir and how he really loved how Taekwoon sang simply
because he enjoyed it, pouring his heart into every note and every syllable.
“We got here faster than I thought we would, my shift doesn’t start for a
little bit.” Taekwoon said.
Jaehwan shrugged, reclining his chair. “I can wait here with you, I don’t have
anywhere to be. I certainly don’t want to go back to Hakyeon and Sanghyuk. They
just stress me out, anyway.”
Taekwoon managed a weak chuckle at that. “They’re not that bad but you’ve known
them for longer.”
“You’re a nice break from them, though. Nobody really likes my music taste, to
be honest and you sing really well. You’ve improved a lot, truly. Your voice is
much more stable now and I’ve always liked your voice.”
Taekwoon ran a hand through his hair, shifting uncomfortably in his seat at the
compliments. “I’m really not that…” He struggled with his words before finally
giving up. “Thank you.”
Jaehwan leaned forward to peer at his surroundings out the window. The cars
around him were dented, one too sharp acceleration away from a junkyard, the
paint on the building obviously peeling, standing on wobbly foundations. “You
know, I don’t think this place is too far from my house, actually.” He lied
easily. “I don’t mind dropping you off here or your house after school. It’s
not like I’m spending my time on anything productive anyway.” Even he was
briefly surprised by his generosity, usually anything that was more than a mild
inconvenience for him was briefly shot down but here he was, offering to waste
his precious gas money on Taekwoon whom was still more of a friend of a friend
than anything else.
Taekwoon gave him a small smile that quickly grew to one of the rarer shows of
expression, it was a true smile, one that made Jaehwan’s heart skip a beat and
catch in his chest. “Thank you, you’ve done a lot for me today. I think I have
to go now but I’ll see you tomorrow.” Taekwoon paused before adding an
afterthought. “And I suppose I’m feeling generous today because I’ll send you
tonight’s Physics homework too.”
“Hey! You should be repaying me not just because you’re feeling generous but
because I’m even offering to be your personal bus service!” Jaehwan shook his
head. “You ingrate!” He called after Taekwoon who briefly turned around to
laugh a little at him.
It takes a bit longer than usual for Jaehwan to get his mind into functional
order again to drive back to his own house after that and he really doesn’t
want to think too much about the fact that Taekwoon’s laughter was enough to
send his heart rate skyrocketing.
Taekwoon wasn’t oblivious to Jaehwan’s stares no matter how discrete he thought
he was being. What he hated was how wrong-footed he felt by them. Part of him
fancied that they almost looked like the type of look that many girls gave
Jaehwan and he could see why they all wanted him. He was charismatic, good
looking, talented, and witty but Taekwoon was almost positive that most of them
saw him as nothing more than a trophy, a coveted accessory to tote around for a
couple months and flaunt on the internet. Taekwoon couldn’t help the way his
chest tightened when he saw Jaehwan’s arm around a tittering girl, obviously
trying to charm her way into his graces. He couldn’t exactly consider him a
close friend but he figured it was just his natural instinct to be a bit
protective over some of the few people at this school that truly welcomed him
and enjoyed his company. He didn’t think most of them could even hold a true
conversation with Jaehwan for more than a couple minutes and earn his true
friendship let alone anything more than that.
He was also no stranger to the fact that Jaehwan wasn’t around quite as often
anymore, only conversing with him at lunch or in class and even then it was
forced at best. The one time Taekwoon had made the mistake of asking Hakyeon
about Jaehwan’s sudden disappearance, he was forced to suffer through a long
winded rant about how Jaehwan spends too much time trying to have sex with
everything with a pulse and how when he suddenly gets horny, all of his
responsibilities flew out the window and Hakyeon was left to deal with the
remaining mess.
It was never a pivotal part of his conversations with Jaehwan but it was no
secret that he slept around, quite frequently, in fact.
“He’s never kept a girl around longer than like, a month, though, he’s just not
that type of person.” Hakyeon said with a shrug before he scribbled down some
more notes in the margins of his book. “Why do you ask, anyways?”
“Just curious.” Taekwoon sipped absent-mindedly at his mug of coffee, his
fingers thrumming on the table between them.
“Actually, come to think of it, I don’t even think he’s properly dated anyone
since his first year in High School. He always says he gets bored of people and
just doesn’t have the emotional commitment to stick around.” Hakyeon frowned a
little at the thought. “He’s definitely kind of a douche about it sometimes too
but I think all of us just gave up trying to stop him and let him do whatever
in that regards.”
“Has he ever wanted a real relationship, though?” Taekwoon asked, his voice
lilting just enough to be a question.
Hakyeon only frowned more at that, chewing at the end of his pen in thought.
“We’ve probably talked about it once or twice. He always says that he’s waiting
for someone he actually really likes but I don’t know, he’s always quick to
change the subject anyways. For someone so social, his romantic life is really
boring. Why don’t you ask about mine instead for a change?”
Taekwoon shot Hakyeon an unimpressed look, slyly muttering something about how
he was probably the most shameless person he knew.
Hakyeon threw his pen in retaliation but soon regretted it after Taekwoon
quietly but very seriously threatened him with murder.
—
The sun was heading well into the afternoon before Jaehwan even thought about
waking but five seconds after returning to the world of the living, he cursed
his last night self into oblivion for giving him a hangover from hell. He was
no stranger to waking up in a strange bed with a girl’s who name he could
barely remember but at this point, mornings like this were beginning to get a
bit gratuitous.
In what felt like a lifetime ago, he would have known her name, lingered and
cooked breakfast and left with a promise of something more than a one night
stand but fleeing was just the easier way out now.
She didn’t stir as he hastily clothed himself and grabbed his belongings,
quietly stepping out into the nippy fall air.
He supposed it should be considered a positive thing that he always left with
no feelings of attachment or fondness but that was different from the hollow
ache in his chest. He was so tired of chasing after an unidentifiable something
that had him up late nights with pounding music and lost in the heat of bodies
but what once brought him some sense of fun and youthfulness simply left him
feeling even emptier than before.
His phone buzzed twice in his pocket, a quick check informing him that Hakyeon
was determined to pester him about whether or not something had happened
between him and Taekwoon because something seemed just a bit off about the two
of them. Sometimes he was grateful for Hakyeon’s innate perceptiveness but at
times like these, it was just grating and despite everything, he truly did wish
for Hakyeon to simply mind his own business. Everyone would only tell him that
it was in Hakyeon’s nature to worry, fret, and to simply be in the know but
from his own experience, Hakyeon’s meddling often turned simple matters into
huge fiascos. That was life, he supposed.
“Fuck,” He muttered with quite some feeling behind the word as he rubbed his
temple, a throbbing headache building behind his eyelids. Why couldn’t drunk
Jaehwan pick someone to fuck closer to home so he didn’t have to deal with
trying to get a ride home from the other side of town. Dimly he realized that
Sanghyuk’s house was just close enough for him to crash at and Sanghyuk usually
didn’t mind as Jaehwan melodramatically recounted all of his life’s problems
and expected Sanghyuk to magically cure him of all of his hangover symptoms.
Yes, that sounded like a much better plan than going to Hakyeon’s house.
Although nearby, he was sure that if he was put through another round of
Hakyeon’s lecturing as all of his bodily systems attempted to self destruct, he
would probably do something he would soon regret.
At least Sanghyuk didn’t ask any questions as Jaehwan staggered through his
front door and flopped face down on his couch. He dimly noted it was a new one.
Good. He knew Sanghyuk was a growing teenage boy and all but when Sanghyuk’s
couch started smelling like come, Jaehwan had staged an intervention and
coerced him into buying a new couch for all of their sakes. It just now struck
him that was perhaps a bit hypocritical of him. Still. The kid needed a new
couch — sometimes there were some stains that really shouldn’t be there
permanently.
Sanghyuk brought him a glass of water, choosing to sit on the coffee table as
he nudged Jaehwan. “You really gotta stop doing this, I’m no medical expert but
all of this alcohol is probably bad for your health.”
“Blergh.” Jaehwan huffed into the fabric of Sanghyuk’s couch.
Sanghyuk rolled his eyes and wrangled Jaehwan into a sitting position, forcing
the glass of water into his hands. “Drink. You’ll feel better, at least.”
Jaehwan slitted a half hearted glare at Sanghyuk for the man-handling but in
the end, he obliged.
“You know, you’re going to have to tell me what’s up sooner or later. You’re
not very good at hiding things, whatever you’d like to believe. Something’s
up,” said Sanghyuk.
“Nothing’s wrong, you nosy brat.” Jaehwan sighed dramatically. “I thought I’d
be spared the lecture if I avoided Hakyeon but alas—“
Sanghyuk frowned at that, looking remarkably like Hakyeon for a moment before
his eyes softened a little. “Come on, we’ve been friends for longer than you’d
care to admit and you know that I wouldn’t judge you for whatever it is that’s
bothering you. I know you can be a bit, err, dramatic, sometimes but this is
different, isn’t it?”
“No, actually, it’s a bit of a petty problem. You will laugh, I guarantee it.”
Jaehwan said, with an almost self-deprecating note in his voice.
Sanghyuk shot Jaehwan the type of look that made Jaehwan feel a bit small
despite himself and he shifted uncomfortably under Sanghyuk’s gaze, followed by
heavily martyred sighing.
“Why do you want to know so badly?”
“Because I care about you, you idiot. You know that you’re not all that great
of a liar, right?” said Sanghyuk.
“Ah,” Jaehwan said a bit lamely, casting around for the right words to bring
forth. He was never able to keep his own secrets to himself, always spilling it
as soon as he could and he found that when he started talking, he couldn’t stop
himself. No matter how small his own problem seemed even to himself, it was at
the very least a great relief to be able to tell it to someone else. “I’ve just
always felt a bit…” He gestured hopelessly, “Strange, I suppose. I’m not like
you or Hakyeon. I thought that I just couldn’t hold any type of relationship
because I got bored and it was a phase I would grow out of but…”
“But?” Sanghyuk prompted patiently.
“Would you find me strange, then, Sanghyuk, if I told you that I’m afraid it’s
because I don’t even think I truly like girls all that much?” He asked softly.
Sanghyuk fixed him with an unreadable gaze, the silence seeming to stretch on
forever to Jaehwan, before he started laughing quietly, shaking his head as
Jaehwan started at him incredulously. “No, of course not. Oh my God, Jaehwan, I
thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t already know.”
“What?” Jaehwan asked indignantly, sobering enough to sit up straighter to
glare at Sanghyuk. “What do you mean you knew?”
“Jaehwan, the last time we got drunk together at buttfuck in the morning, you
told me that you weren’t gay but ‘Holy shit, guys are so hot.’” He held up a
hand to stop Jaehwan’s protestations. “And what was that whole thing about that
one time you kissed a guy in an iHop parking lot?”
“It was a dare!”
“You were completely sober.”
“I find it hard to resist a dare,” Jaehwan sniffed.
Sanghyuk gave him a smile, almost patronizing this time and Jaehwan couldn’t
help his defensive bristle. “Truly, though. You never told me you knew.” He
frowned sullenly down at his glass of water.
“I never brought it up, I guess. I don’t know about Hakyeon but it was a bit
obvious from the beginning. In case you haven’t gotten it through your thick
skull yet, I don’t particularly care about your current state of fragile
heterosexuality. Well, I care, but you know what I mean.” Sanghyuk said.
“Then I’m assuming this explains the Taekwoon thing a bit?” Jaehwan asked.
“Well,” Sanghyuk said in a falsely cheerful voice. “What could go wrong with
that?”
Jaehwan found himself sighing a lot in Sanghyuk’s company, often accompanied
with him staring melodramatically out the window.
—
The halls were nearly empty as most of the general student populace had fled
school as soon as the last bell rang but Jaehwan remained missing. Taekwoon had
volunteered to find him, if not only to escape Hakyeon’s pestering. He supposed
he should have been more surprised to find Jaehwan passed out underneath the
choir risers, curled up in deep sleep, his backpack doubling as his pillow.
Taekwoon prodded the sleeping figure, only to be rewarded by Jaehwan squinting
at him blearily.
“Are you asleep because of midterms, you’re homeless, or you’re dead?” Taekwoon
asked.
Jaehwan continued to blink at him, his eyes slowly narrowing in annoyance.
Apparently unable to think of a suitable comeback in his half asleep state, he
was resigned to retort with a rather rude gesture involving his middle finger.
Taekwoon laughed quietly at that, trying his best to keep his mind off of how
Jaehwan’s hair looked, sleep-tousled and sticking up in every which way, and
how his full lips had curled into his typical exaggerated frown.
“Hakyeon’s been looking for you,” Taekwoon continued, undeterred.
Jaehwan eventually sat up, nearly hitting his head on the bottom of the risers,
complaining as he did so, trying to rub the exhaustion from his eyes. “He’d be
sleeping too if he had an AP Physics midterm in two weeks.”
“I’m in the same class as you and I’m doing just fine.” Taekwoon said serenely.
“Well, you’re smart so you don’t count!” Jaehwan gestured angrily at Taekwoon
as if his intelligence personally insulted him.
Taekwoon just laughs at that, soft and genuine, as he crouched down. “It truly
isn’t that hard of a class, though.”
Jaehwan only glared at him harder. “I hate smart people,” He muttered under his
breath but clearly loud enough for Taekwoon to hear.
“If you’re truly having such a hard time, I can help you. All you had to do was
ask.” Taekwoon said.
Jaehwan looked at him, not bothering to hide the slight surprise in his gaze
before he ducked his head, turning away from Taekwoon, shifting almost
uncomfortably in his close vicinity. “I don’t wish to bother you, I know it
would take a lot of time and all.”
“I owe you though,” Taekwoon persisted. “You accepted me into choir when you
truly didn’t have to.”
“That’s different.” Jaehwan turned back to face him, exasperated. “You deserved
it, you’re talented. It would have been a waste for me not to admit you. This
is just…you doing a favor.”
“I suppose I am, then.” Taekwoon said, matter-of-factly.
Jaehwan fixed him with a gaze that Taekwoon couldn’t quite read, biting down
slightly on his lower lip. “I don’t want to be in your debt,” Jaehwan said. “At
least let me give you something in exchange. I could help you with extra voice
or theory lessons, whatever you’d like in return.”
Taekwoon thought that it almost seemed like Jaehwan was forcing himself to
offer something in return. He supposed that was Jaehwan’s pride talking but he
supposed there was no harm in taking him up on the offer, despite Jaehwan’s
strange behavior as of late. “Okay.”
“That’s it, then? Now go away and don’t interrupt me when I’m clearly trying to
catch up on my sleep, Hakyeon be damned.” Jaehwan shooed him away, his
awkwardness falling away as he made his obnoxious annoyance known again.
Taekwoon could have sworn that as he walked away, he could still hear Jaehwan
muttering under his breath about how ungrateful kids were these days.
Taekwoon thought it was a shame that Jaehwan had stopped coming around more
often, he seemed to find himself smiling quite a bit more when Jaehwan was
involved. No, he couldn’t afford to think like that. Jaehwan was just Jaehwan
and there was nothing more to that.
—
“I told you, studying at school ruins my concentration. I just can’t do it, the
vibe is different, you know?” Jaehwan said, his voice bordering on an almost
whine. “I know my house is too far but why can’t we meet at your house?”
“No.” Taekwoon said softly, but not any less firmly.
“Agh, if I have to spend any more time in the choir room, I swear to you that I
will lose my mind.” Jaehwan said, a scowl on his face for more dramatic
importance.
Taekwoon pushed the door open to the familiar room, the lights flickering on
automatically as its occupants stepped through its threshold. “I just get a bit
distracted at home, I suppose. The only reason I have more time to be doing
this is because my younger sister is old enough to work now and my parents want
me to be using it to study.” He admitted quietly. “But helping you study helps
me as well.”
Jaehwan didn’t know how to respond to that, so he chose not to. He supposed it
was a bit of a Taekwoon thing to speak frankly, cutting straight to the point
with very little preamble. It was something to get used to if nothing else. He
knew that the words were not meant to make him feel guilty, they were just
facts.
It didn’t take long for Taekwoon to realize that Jaehwan was smart, just
incredibly lazy. He had a sneaking suspicion that most of his energy and
intelligence went into creating witty one-liners to offset Taekwoon with
instead of actually studying. He was a bit scatter-brained, that was true, but
Jaehwan picked up most concepts with a swiftness he couldn’t help but envy. It
seemed that the only thing he needed was someone to help him concentrate.
Taekwoon had only planned for them to go through one chapter and Jaehwan blew
through that too quickly. He almost wondered if this was simply an elaborate
ruse for Jaehwan to be able to spend more time with him.
“If you have so much trouble concentrating at home, why don’t you just listen
to music or study in your own room? Surely, it can’t be so noisy there that we
couldn’t concentrate in your room.” Leave it to Jaehwan to diverge the topic
again, firmly intent on ending any academic conversations because as far as he
was concerned, he had no need to study anymore after fulfilling Taekwoon’s set
quota.
Taekwoon would never be able to truly explain why he was so ruffled by the
innocent question. Not to Jaehwan. Their lives were too different for Jaehwan
to ever begin to understand. “It’s not that,” Taekwoon eventually said with
difficulty. “I do not know how to explain in terms you would understand.”
“Try me, then.” Jaehwan’s face was boyish, alight with the kind of sureness
that suggested that yes, he would understand, he was clever and well educated
like that.
Taekwoon couldn’t help the annoyance that rose in his throat, half at himself
for never being able to find the words for anything and half at Jaehwan for
pestering. A small voice inside of his head reasoned that Jaehwan truly didn’t
know any better, he was simply being curious in a way that Jaehwan always was.
“Have you ever considered that perhaps I have things to be ashamed of at home
that people like you would not?” Taekwoon asked, his eyes roving over Jaehwan’s
new uniform, freshly pressed and laundered, the season’s latest designer watch
glinting on his wrist. He didn’t know why he was continuing when Jaehwan froze,
clearly sensing that he had breached a sensitive topic. “Because even with my
own room, the walls are so thin you can hear almost every whisper at night, the
paint is peeling, and the plumbing is only slightly faulty on its good days. I
can’t bring you to my house when as soon as I get home, I have to worry about
how we’re going to get dinner that night or what bills still need to paid.”
Taekwoon said, his voice soft and steady but his eyes shuttered off with a
hardness that Jaehwan was never privvy to. “I don’t know if you’ll ever realize
just how much you have when my life is one more chore after another while all
you have to worry about is what Ivy League will best suit your future.”
Jaehwan blinked in surprise, his face twisting into an affected expression of
pity, the kind of response Taekwoon had expected and dreaded. “Taekwoon—“ He
began, perhaps to tell Taekwoon that someone still in school should never have
to deal with that, or to offer help or empty words of reassurance.
“I would rather not hear it, whatever it is you’re about to say.” Taekwoon
said, with a note of finality in his voice. He supposed he shouldn’t have any
real reason to be miffed at Jaehwan, not when he had asked innocently, not
knowing any of this. But that, he supposed, was the problem. He had known
Jaehwan would react like this and he still couldn’t help the unjustified anger
that settled uncomfortably in his stomach, the knowledge that Jaehwan and his
friends would never know just how lucky they were.
“I—“ Jaehwan paused, perhaps searching for an apology but he simply searched
for his belongings. “I didn’t know…ah, I should probably leave now, then. My
parents will be expecting me home soon, I think.” He winced, at the tension in
the air hanging in between them but was only able to stammer a weak goodbye as
he all but fled.
Taekwoon hated the heavy feeling that settled in his stomach after Jaehwan
left.
—
Taekwoon was unsure if Jaehwan would even come to the choir room after school
but he stepped into the room, looking unsure and tentative. Jaehwan’s small
stature only accentuated his short steps into the room, licking his lips out of
nervousness, as he approached with something behind his back. Taekwoon wasn’t
sure of what to make of this timid Jaehwan but wasn’t given enough time to
linger on that thought as Jaehwan had taken a deep breath and launched into
speech.
“I’m sorry about yesterday and I know it was out of line for me to keep asking
about your family and your home and I know I can be annoying at times and I
pestered you but I didn’t mean to upset you. I know I don’t think I’ll ever
really understand your life and I’m not going to try to pretend that I do but…”
He trailed off before offering the thing he had concealed behind his back. It
was a simple box of chocolates and Jaehwan seemed rather determined to look
anywhere but Taekwoon’s eyes. “I know it might not be a huge deal to you but I
truly do not wish to upset anyone and I’ll admit that I did feel quite a bit
guilty so,” He practically shoved the gift in Taekwoon’s hands.
Taekwoon had to actively work to conceal his surprise, ducking his head on the
premise of examining the box. He could not say that he expected this at all.
Hakyeon had often lamented Jaehwan’s penchant for avoiding apologies as a
whole, refusing to pull his head out of his ass in favor of preserving his own
pride. He could have been motivated simply by the guilt of offending Taekwoon
but he appreciated the sentiment all the same, hating how he still felt, well,
fond of Jaehwan. He hadn’t even remained miffed at Jaehwan for very long but he
wasn’t going to let him know that.
“Thank you,” He said quietly, accepting the box.
Jaehwan nodded, his shoulders still stiff as he moved to lean against the
piano. “I guess I just never really registered the fact that I’ve always grown
up so privileged. I shouldn’t have looked down upon all the new students for
something as stupid as not having as much money as well, all of the original
students.”
“You never acted like that towards me, though.” Taekwoon said, half statement
and half a question.
Jaehwan’s attention snapped up, fixing Taekwoon with that unreadable gaze of
his. “You’re…different.” He admitted but did not elaborate. “But still, I
shouldn’t be an asshole to anyone just because of their family and all.”
Taekwoon almost dared not to believe this. “You’re not quite the emotionless
asshole that Hakyeon sometimes makes you out to be.”
Jaehwan gave him a short laugh, shaking his head. “No, I think that assessment
of me is still correct.” His tone was self deprecating. “But I suppose that I’m
changing a bit. My dreams have always been within my reach, my parents support
me in pursuing a career in music. I never appreciated that but chasing your
dream is almost impossible.” His eyes hid something behind them but his face
quickly shuttered as he looked away quickly.
“I suppose you’re right but Jaehwan, you deserve it.” Taekwoon said. “You’re
talented and passionate, not to mention that you are a truly good singer. I
hope you know that.”
Jaehwan had always been on the harder side to read but there was that
unidentifiable something in his eyes before he grinned, simply happy with a
small hint of pride. “You really think so?”
Taekwoon almost tried to hide his own small smile that blossomed forth,
inclining his head in a slight nod. “You are. Your voice is the nicest when you
think no one is around to here it.”
“That means a lot from you.” Jaehwan nearly whispered, all traces of his usual
loud, boisterous, and insensitive persona falling away. Taekwoon liked that
Jaehwan but he liked this one a little bit more. This Jaehwan that rarely saw
the light, eager and almost soft. “You know, you deserve your dreams too.” He
spoke with an intensity that sent shivers down Taekwoon’s spine.
He was struck in that moment, just how young Jaehwan was. A teenager just like
him, with his dreams and his hopes, and a fire that life had not tampered yet.
Perhaps there was hope for them yet.
—
It had been awhile since Jaehwan had re-appeared at their group’s lunch table
but he should have known that as soon as he sat down, Hakyeon and Sanghyuk
would be on the attack.
“Really, Jaehwan.” Hakyeon tutted. “I know you have a talent for wasting money
but this is ridiculous.”
Jaehwan scowled, snatching his water bottle back. “Thirty five dollars is a
small investment to make on this new water bottle. I don’t see your cheap
grocery store thermoses keeping your drinks ice cold for up to twenty four
hours and your coffee hot for twelve.”
“Liar. You bought it for your stupid aesthetic, didn’t you?” Sanghyuk
immediately shot.
Jaehwan glared at him. “A worthy investment all the same. I’m paying for
quality, Han Sanghyuk.” Judging by the derisive snort coming from Sanghyuk, he
obviously did not realize the importance of a good water bottle as Jaehwan did.
Taekwoon chuckled across from him and Jaehwan’s body quickly betrayed him, his
affronted behavior dissolving quickly into a barely withheld smile. “What are
you laughing at? Look at this!My coffee is just as hot as it was this morning!
A feat of modern technology.”
“Mm” Taekwoon made a noncommittal noise of agreement to that but Jaehwan
realized a lost case when he saw one.
There were two new additions to their table, he supposed he had missed quite a
lot while sneaking off during lunch to hidden school corners and the janitor’s
closet, to, well. He knew Hongbin, he was a staple at their lab table in
Physics but he wasn’t aware that he was genuinely friends with the rest of
them. Next to him sat a surly looking boy, with broad shoulders and a deep
voice. “And who are these? Hakyeon, you really need to stop taking in charity
cases.”
Hongbin cracked a smile at that and Jaehwan wasn’t entirely sure if he could
ever get over the fact that every time the kid smiled, he looked like he simply
had too many teeth to fit in his mouth.
“Ah, well, you already know Hongbin.” Sanghyuk interjected. “And Wonshik is
Hongbin’s…” He shot a quick look at the two of them. “Best friend.”
“I do not take in charity cases!” Hakyeon protested. “I happen to actually like
Wonshik and Hongbin just happened to come along with him.”
“Alright, well, as long as none of you bother me, I have a Physics quiz next
block so unless you want to suffer my wrath, don’t pester me.” Jaehwan tried
his best to glower at them. Wonshik was intimidated at least but Hongbin looked
too serene for a newcomer. The rest were used to threats of a similar nature
but Jaehwan took at least some pleasure in Wonshik’s uneasy shifting.
“Is he always this stressed?” Wonshik mumbled in an undertone to Hongbin, just
loud enough for Jaehwan to still be able to hear.
“No, he’s just not doing well because he’s always on his phone during class.”
Taekwoon said with a barely discernible note of mischief in his voice. “I’ve
been helping him though, so don’t take his dramatics too seriously.”
Hakyeon, that pestering giraffe necked brat, looked like he stumbled upon a
gold mine at these words. Jaehwan didn’t want to think about what that meant so
he aimed a well-deserved kick at Hakyeon under the table. Nobody paid much
attention to Hakyeon’s obvious cry of pain and protestations.
“So that’s where you two have been disappearing to every day after school,”
Sanghyuk said with a glint in his eye.
“Don’t.” Jaehwan nearly growled.
“Just the two of you, alone, in the choir room every day? Those must be some
fun study sessions but really,” Sanghyuk plowed on, completely unaffected by
the threat of a looming and angry Jaehwan. “Taekwoon, you could do so much
better. I’ve heard Jaehwan kisses like a girl anyways—“
“Why, you little!” Jaehwan exclaimed, reaching quickly across the table to
presumably strangle Sanghyuk but in his haste, he knocked over his water
bottle, the scalding contents of the tea quickly spilling onto Sanghyuk who
screeched, leaping out of the way. Hongbin and Wonshik weren’t fast enough to
escape the collateral damage either, the steaming liquid getting the better of
them.
Jaehwan had never been so thankful for the end of lunch. He was willing to
sacrifice a thirty five dollar water bottle to the lost and found if that meant
escaping a seething Hakyeon and friends.
—
Taekwoon was growing used to Jaehwan’s nearly constant presence in his life
now, he was used to his playfulness filling in the silences and gaps in
Taekwoon’s life and it felt almost too quiet now without him around. Still, he
wasn’t quite expecting for a Jaehwan hurtling himself down the hallway at top
speed at the end of school and crashing into him in a storm of excitement,
crushing him in a tight embrace. “You did it, Oh my God, I got an almost
perfect score on the Midterm and I’m back to an A in the class now and now I
know for sure my parents won’t murder me and God, I’m so happy, I could kiss
you.” He blurted out, his face shining.
Taekwoon flushed, his facial expression almost grumpy to hide his
embarrassment. “It was your own doing, you idiot. I just helped you concentrate
but you did this on your own. You’re smarter than you realize.”
Jaehwan finally relinquished his hold on Taekwoon, seemingly coming back to
himself as he looked quite embarrassed at his outburst. “I still truly do owe
you, though. We haven’t really had time for me to help you with your singing
and all so let me at least, I don’t know, take you out somewhere.”
Taekwoon truly had to work to school his face into one of indifference at this.
“That sounds quite a bit like a date, though?” He asked cooly.
“No, no, don’t misunderstand. It’s not a date.” Jaehwan said too quickly. “I’m
just repaying you.”
He tried to resist but it was a futile attempt and in the end, he gave in too
quickly. He always did when it came to Jaehwan. “As long as you don’t spend too
much money on me.” He wondered when his life turned into a bad romantic comedy
when his stomach tightened at Jaehwan’s delighted smile. “There’s a dollar
theater near that boba place by my house. We could go there, there’s never
really anyone around—“
“Sounds like a plan, then.” Jaehwan interjected, presumably to get him to agree
before he changed his mind. “Now, don’t get this wrong, Taekwoon, this isn’t a
date! I know, it’s quite a privilege already to be seen in public with me but
to date me…well, that’s an opportunity many would die for.”
Taekwoon couldn’t help his bittersweet smile at the thought as he climbed into
Jaehwan’s car.
—
Taekwoon had tried his best to persuade Jaehwan out of buying enough food for a
family of four just for a movie but soon gave up when he realized just how much
Jaehwan could eat. For someone with such a slim frame, he did truly wonder how
he had the stomach to nearly finish the family sized popcorn pack by himself.
He had weakly tried to get him to slow his rate of consumption down but gave up
soon afterwards.
“You better not talk during this movie or you’ll never hear the end of it from
me.” Jaehwan wagged his finger threateningly. Taekwoon scoffed. He knew that he
rarely talked when prompted, let alone offer his unsolicited opinions during a
movie.
It didn’t come as a surprise when despite Jaehwan’s words at the start of the
movie, he spent most of it offering his unsolicited opinions. That was life
with Jaehwan, he supposed.
“You talk too much.” said Taekwoon almost immediately after leaving the
theater.
“Of course I do! It’s because you don’t talk at all!” Jaehwan said.
He shrugged. “I only say what’s worth saying. You talk a lot but half of it is
just you saying the first thing that comes to mind.”
Perhaps he shouldn’t have said that, knowing Jaehwan’s penchant for arguing to
his last breath if it meant defending his own pride. “I’m witty and intelligent
and everything I say is worth hearing! What am I supposed to do if I’m
uncomfortable with silence?”
Taekwoon pursed his lips. “Have you ever considered shutting up for once?” He
snuck a side glance at Jaehwan, the words clearly meant in jest.
Evidently this was the last straw for Jaehwan who weakly swat at him. “Really,
the nerve of this kid.” He muttered under his breath. “What did I expect
anyways,” He said, half to himself. “Nobody really appreciates me for my
personality.”
Taekwoon nudged Jaehwan lightly, his eyes betraying his amusement despite his
otherwise stoic face. “Despite what I say, I do quite appreciate your
personality.” He said, a clear attempt in placating him. He felt the other go
stiff, his muscles tensing and his laugh didn’t quite meet his eyes.
“Of course, how could you not?” Jaehwan asked with false bravado. They reached
his car soon afterwards, their conversation trailing off.
Car rides with Jaehwan were always interesting to say the least. He never quite
knew if he would get a motor mouth driver who insisted on singing along to all
of Today’s Pop Hits or if he would get a quieter one, content to let his soft
voice flow to the soothing beats of his own playlist. Taekwoon loved both sides
of him but sometimes he truly appreciated the quieter Jaehwan, the one that
left him time to sneak glances at him without noticing, let his eyes linger and
take in the curve of his jawline, his crooked smile, and eyes that shone with
the city lights.
“Come on, sing with me!” Jaehwan said, suddenly interrupting his thoughts.
It took a moment for Taekwoon to come back to the present, to realize that this
was a song he knew. Of course Jaehwan had to take advantage of the red light to
lean over and nudge him insistently. “Everyone knows this one, you don’t have
any excuse.” He said, with his trademark smirk.
Taekwoon should really start learning how to say no to him.
He was glad for the darkness of the car to hide his own red face. His voice
barely loud enough to be heard over the car speakers. It was easier to sing
without any attention on him. Even though he focused his attention solely out
the car window, it always felt easier with Jaehwan. For all of his pride, he
was surprisingly encouraging when it came to singing, doing anything in his
power to bring Taekwoon up with an extra word or two of praise. A part of him
wished for the others to be able to see this Jaehwan, the one whose lilting
voice carried through ballads and easy beats, the softer one who wanted to
share his passion with anyone and everyone. And yet, there was still always
that part of him who wanted him for himself.
“You always sing so well, ah, maybe I should stop teaching you since you’re
starting to get better than even me.” Jaehwan said and Taekwoon could sense the
underlying sincerity in his playful words.
Taekwoon blinked in surprise before ducking his head, embarrassed and gratified
all the same.
Jaehwan opened his mouth as if to say something before suddenly scowling at the
sight ahead. The street to Taekwoon’s neighborhood had been blocked, complete
with a small army of police cars and grating lights. “Great, now we have to go
the long way around.” He huffed, and Taekwoon couldn’t help it, most of his
expressions were exaggerated anyways and it was rare for Jaehwan to truly be
very annoyed, he laughed at the severe line of his lips and squinted eyes.
“Hey, I’m suffering this inconveniences just for you!” Jaehwan shot back,
redirecting his annoyance at Taekwoon, not hesitating to strike out at him.
With some effort, Taekwoon stifled his laughter quickly but not before he
caught sight of Jaehwan’s facade slipping, amusement written in his eyes.
“You can take the back street and I can walk the rest of the way, it’s not a
big deal,” said Taekwoon.
Jaehwan contemplated this option, weighing it against attempting to turn around
completely and have to drive around the block and quickly decided that
Taekwoon’s would be a lot faster. He parked at the small playground a street
from Taekwoon’s house, surprising him by getting out of the car as well. “I
have to walk you home, at least. That would be quite rude of me to drop you off
and just hope you’ll get home safely.” He said imperiously, adjusting his
jacket around him.
Taekwoon cocked an unimpressed eyebrow at him. “You’re half my size, Jaehwan.”
“I like to think that I compensate with my big personality!” Jaehwan said.
“Mm,” Taekwoon said as he fell in beside Jaehwan, his feet crunching the twigs
and leaves of the unswept sidewalk as they headed towards his home.
“I think this is the first time I’ve actually been to your neighborhood, I’m
usually always dropping you off at your jobs,” Jaehwan said with the air of one
commenting on the weather. “I was just thinking, if you’re free of course, if
we can’t hang out at your house, mine is always free. I need someone’s ass to
kick in Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm. I used to play Sanghyuk but, well, he got
too good and now I need someone to rebuild my self esteem.”
Taekwoon could see that, with Sanghyuk’s near encyclopedic knowledge of Naruto
and natural talent at video games, it came as no shock that Jaehwan was
suffering a rather bad losing streak. He didn’t think Jaehwan needed to know
that he had been to Sanghyuk’s place once and beat him at his own game with his
sheer determination and will to win.
“We could,” said Taekwoon carefully.
He almost didn’t want to enter his house, not when he felt at peace and content
just being here with Jaehwan, in their own world that seemed removed from
reality. Perhaps he should stop fighting with himself and resign himself to the
fact that it was impossible to run from this. He wasn’t searching for the kind
of love that poets write about, the type that sets one’s soul alight. No, with
Jaehwan, it was simpler than that. With Jaehwan, it was enough to just be. He
knew he shouldn’t let himself feel the dangerous type of hope that came with
nights like these, he was being foolish if he allowed himself the brief
illusion that Jaehwan wasn’t just into girls and this, whatever this was, would
work out. If Jaehwan felt even a fraction of the things for Taekwoon as he did
for him.
They stopped just outside the realm of Taekwoon’s house, the light from his
house illuminating Jaehwan’s face.
Jaehwan seemed uncharacteristically nervous, obviously fidgeting. “I—“ He
cleared his throat, determinedly looking anywhere but Taekwoon’s face. “I
suppose this is where I leave you then.”
Taekwoon looked at him, slightly puzzled.
Jaehwan finally looked up, his startling piercing eyes meeting Taekwoon’s. “I
actually had a lot of fun tonight, more than I usually do when I’m…” He suck in
a deep breath, biting his lip. “I suppose, I enjoyed it much more than I did
with some actual dates I’m on.”
Taekwoon’s mind came to a screeching stop. Was Jaehwan implying something? No,
it could not possibly have been. Despite all their shared moments, this was
still Jaehwan, the popular head of choir who liked girls, was perfectly content
being normal, the one who could not love Taekwoon back.
It seemed as if Jaehwan gathered the last of his remaining courage, taking a
halting step forward, his cheeks flushed even in the low lighting, his eyes
darker and more intense than Taekwoon had ever seen them. “I understand that I
could really be fucking everything up by admitting this but I really and truly
can not keep a secret, especially my own.” He said with a small laugh out of
nerves. He seemed to take the fact that Taekwoon had not backed away as a good
sign, leaning ever slightly closer. “But I am quite…fond of you.” He admitted
finally, his blush spreading to the tips of his ears. He reached out, his hands
traveling down Taekwoon’s arms until they found his hands, his grip clammy and
Taekwoon was struck just then by just how painfully young Jaehwan felt and
looked like this.
His eyes dropped to Taekwoon’s lips before flitting back up to meet his eyes.
“May I kiss you, Taekwoon? Even if it’s just this once.”
The second between them felt like the span of eternity and Jaehwan looked so
handsome like this, earnest and hopeful. He had not dared to hope for this, and
he was almost afraid to take it, afraid of this precious moment being stolen
away from him.
“It doesn’t have to be just this once,” Taekwoon finally said.
And Jaehwan leaned in and kissed him, his hands on Taekwoon’s waist, his lips
soft and pliant against Taekwoon’s. For someone that could be so cold to some,
he was so warm in Taekwoon’s arms and he kissed with the same fervency that his
eyes held.
Taekwoon unconsciously followed Jaehwan’s motion when he pulled apart, exhaling
heavily in the early winter air. He was robbed of his words when Jaehwan looked
stricken, almost stumbling backwards. “I— I think I have to go. I’ll…” He
looked shaken, running his hands through his hair. “I’ll see you at school
then.” His voice sounded forcefully clipped as the dark of the city night
swallowed him, his footsteps rushing and disappearing.
“What the fuck,” Taekwoon hissed under his breath, his hands balling into
fists. He found it almost impossible to believe that just moments ago, he had
felt like the luckiest person in the world.
 
—
 
The door to Jaehwan’s house creaked open and that was odd, his parents had left
and weren’t expected home until next week. He hated that his heart still
stopped and stuttered when he saw who it was. Taekwoon stepped through into his
house, almost cautiously as he took in the sight of his home before his eyes
locked with Jaehwan.
“Hey,” said Taekwoon, his voice soft and feathery and Jaehwan didn’t think he
would ever get over how his voice would never quite fit his otherwise extremely
intimidating demeanor.
“Taekwoon,” he breathed, and he found himself by his side almost faster than he
could remember moving. “I missed you.” He could feel his face breaking into an
unbridled grin, drawing the other closer to him, their bodies slotted together
so Jaehwan could pepper kisses over his face, just to hear his laughter bubble
up in his chest.
“I might have thought about you once or twice while I was gone,” Taekwoon said
with that all too familiar glint in his eyes and Jaehwan knew it was the best
he was going to get so he just pulled him closer to kiss him properly this
time, the way he knew Taekwoon liked to be kissed, deep enough to take his
breath away.
“Someone’s at the door,” Taekwoon said breathily, suddenly pulling away, his
hair slightly disheveled from Jaehwan’s hand carding through it.
That wasn’t right, he was sure he had no visitors but the incessant knocking
continued as the world before him faded away.
Jaehwan blinked blearily only to find himself staring at his ceiling fan, the
light tapping against his door, probably his mother reminding him to come
downstairs for breakfast.
Of course, it had just been a dream. Because in the real world, Jaehwan was a
fucking idiot who had effectively ruined his chances with one of the few people
he genuinely had ever fostered true feelings for. Above all, this was Taekwoon,
someone he found quickly to be a genuine friend. He buried his face in his
hands. God, how could he be so stupid to do this.
It would have been easier for both of them if Jaehwan had denied himself of his
own feelings. He wouldn’t have to subject Taekwoon to a relationship that would
always have to be kept behind closed doors, wouldn’t have to make him live with
the ever looming threat of the discovery that both of them were not quite
normal, and he would not have left Taekwoon standing alone there in the quiet
light of his house. No, that was wrong. Of course, Jaehwan had feared all of
those things but he knew himself to always be bull headed enough to ignore
those. It had all boiled down to the fact that Jaehwan was a coward. He was
afraid of giving away his heart only for it all to go wrong. No, he decided,
Taekwoon did not deserve a sniveling coward who only cared for himself.
—
“He did what.” Hakyeon said, his voice flat, barely concealing his teeming
anger below the surface.
Taekwoon shrugged, frowning at Hakyeon from across the table. “He kissed me and
then had an existential crisis and ran away.”
Hakyeon closed his eyes and looked as if he had enough of Jaehwan to last him
the next century and a half. “I knew he was dumb but this is something else.”
Taekwoon had to crack a small smile at that, sipping at his boba. “It’s not
worth the energy getting worked up over it.” He said in what he hoped was a
placating voice. “I’m not upset over it, I just wanted to let you know.”
Hakyeon’s own drink went ignored as he stared at him incredulously. “Still not
upset over it? You’ve been sulking. Don’t give me that look, I can tell the
difference between the neutral Taekwoon face and the ‘one of my best friends
just kissed me then disappeared out of my life’ face. They’re very different.”
Only strong feelings of friendship for Hakyeon kept Taekwoon from rolling his
eyes. He was still upset and deep down inside, he did appreciate the fact that
Hakyeon could tell but he only wanted to go home and study or do something
marginally productive to keep his mind off of the events at late. Hakyeon
forcing him to meet up and repeat everything just so he could renew his own
personal fires of vengeance against Jaehwan was in fact, quite tiring.
“I’ve known him for years and every time I think he’s grown up a little and
started thinking about something other than himself, I’m always proven wrong.”
Hakyeon grumbled. “Sanghyuk tells me he hasn’t been doing anything other than
dragging him out to parties nearly every night.” He added as an afternote, as
if looking for one more reason to stay justified in his anger.
“He’s probably back to sleeping his way around the city, then.” Taekwoon said,
unintentionally bitter. He was a little surprised even at himself, usually
always weighing his words before speaking but he could not help the fact that
besides still being a bit upset over the whole situation, he was angry, the
emotion coiling itself around his chest and constricting him. It just made him
feel tired in the end.
“Oh, Taekwoon.” Hakyeon said, his eyes softening. Without warning, he
practically flung himself across the table to envelop him in a hug, despite the
awkward positioning. “You’ll get over this even if it means my father hiring a
mafia to beat that skinny little shit up.”
Rich kids, Taekwoon thought dimly as he got the life squeezed out of him by Cha
Hakyeon.
—
The first time Taekwoon saw Jaehwan again was a week later and his stomach
rolled with a mixture of anger and elation before it quickly filled with
horror. Jaehwan’s eyes flit across the choir room to meet briefly with
Taekwoon’s, sporting a rather obvious black eye, along with some rather
prominent scratches. He looked away quickly in favor of laughing quietly at
whatever the girl next to him said and it seemed as if he was dismissing his
injuries but his smile never meet his eyes, his eyes dark as they stared ahead,
obviously zoning out when he was usually the first to answer questions and
interject with his own suggestions to improve the choir.
He had heard the rumors and had passed them off as simply that. Rumors. They
were abundant in the school, especially surrounding Jaehwan and the more
malicious ones were often started by people he recently dumped and so usually
lacked much credibility but no, Taekwoon, had refused to believe the newest set
of them but it seemed as if he had proof of their truth in front of his very
eyes.
—
Jaehwan was still all too predictable after school. He caught him alone as his
other friends left the choir room, closing the door behind him with an air of
finality.
“Jaehwan, what happened?” Taekwoon asked, his voice barely louder than a
whisper.
“I don’t get at least a ‘How was your day’ first before being interrogated?”
Jaehwan joked weakly but even so, he took a step away, his eyes wary.
“No,” said Taekwoon. “You can’t just disappear for a week and return looking
like this and avoid not only me but Hakyeon and Sanghyuk as well.”
Jaehwan drew his arms across his body and growled, “It’s none of your business
if I do not wish to tell you. I should not have left so suddenly but I do not
recall having to recount every moment of my life with you three.” He looked
like a cornered animal, faltering in front of Taekwoon’s calm exterior.
“You said so yourself, you can’t keep your own secrets. I’ve heard the rumors
just as everyone else has.”
He flinched visibly at that, his face contorting. “You have never believed in
rumors before this.” His voice was probably meant to be accusatory but it fell
short, sounding almost meek.
“Then tell me what happened.”
They stared at each other until Jaehwan tore his gaze away, pacing the length
of the room. “It was just me being an idiot and letting my pride get to me.”
“That is not new. That usually does not end in you looking like you came off
worse in a street fight.” Taekwoon said quietly.
Jaehwan barked a short laugh. “I suppose not. But that is surprisingly close to
what happened.” He turned to catch Taekwoon’s slight expression of surprise.
“I know that they’ve been gossiping about me. I went to a party, got drunk, too
drunk, actually, and you won’t believe what happened next. Actually, you will.
I hooked up with a guy, word got around and I didn’t know. Next party I went
to, someone called me out in front of everyone and I lost my temper and as
you’ve noted before, I’m not the biggest guy around.” He ran a hand through his
hair, taking in a deep shuddering breath that filled his shaking body before
deflating. “I denied it but you, of course, know the truth.
“I know you’ve seen very little of me lately but believe me, many people have
altogether stopped talking to me or ridicule me. Some still hang around me but
I’m still almost certain that they’re just trying to confirm the rumors.
Perhaps that’s me being a bit pessimistic about the whole thing but I can not
pretend that I’m not affected by this,” He seemed to be searching for the words
as he stared at the ground. “So called fall from grace.” He gave a wry little
smile. “It can not be helped, I suppose. Not when it was my own fault.”
It seemed that once Jaehwan started talking, it was hard for him to stop,
spilling his thoughts and baring them to Taekwoon because now he looked
unsteady, unsure. Taekwoon hated how hard it was to remain upset at Jaehwan,
knew he shouldn’t let go of his anger this easily. Not when he had been pushed
away so easily before but he was always too soft, too easy. “Still, you don’t
deserve this.” He said finally, cursing himself for the way his chest tightened
when Jaehwan looked up, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
“When all else fails, at the end of the day, you are still my friend and
nothing will change that.” Taekwoon said.
Jaehwan blinked quickly, on the verge of tears, and it shook Taekwoon, he had
never seen him that vulnerable but Jaehwan quickly rubbed at his eyes and
looked like he was about to move to hug Taekwoon but thought better of it, his
hands awkwardly at his sides. “I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know,”
He said, his voice sounding off.
He brushed lightly past Taekwoon on his way out and he could not rid himself of
that heavy weight in his chest that seemed to plague him quite often lately
whenever Jaehwan was involved.
—
Their conversations had been clipped and awkward at best in their shared
classes and in the halls. At lunch, Jaehwan was content to entertain himself
with Sanghyuk as Hakyeon always looked torn between glaring daggers at Jaehwan
or ignoring him.
Frankly, Taekwoon’s prospects for the upcoming Winter Break weren’t looking to
hopeful. He refused to stay home with his constantly quarreling family and he
had decided on giving himself a personal break from studying. Of course, he’d
have to work after hours for the Christmas sales but he knew that if he
attempted to take on any more shifts, he was sure he’d have a breakdown soon.
He was not very well equipped to handle so many late nights in a row without
some kind of reprieve.
He supposed a two week break from too much social interaction would be good for
him to reset but still, a part of him knew that he would miss Hakyeon as he
traveled to Europe for break and he wasn’t as close to Sanghyuk but he was
traveling as well. That left only Jaehwan. He wasn’t so much as miffed at
Jaehwan as he was awkward in his presence. There was an unspoken agreement
between them not to bring up the events of that night again but it still
lingered in Taekwoon’s mind, taunting him with the possibility of what could
have been. He had not been lying when he said that he would always truly value
Jaehwan as a friend, but in his deepest of hearts, he still wished for that
something more that Jaehwan had offered and so quickly taken away.
In a turn of events, Jaehwan had been the one to invite him over on the last
day of school before break. He, apparently, still wanted to take up that game
of Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm he had challenged Taekwoon to.
Jaehwan had cheerfully informed him through text that he just ended up going to
the nurse’s office for the last block and would be in his car. Taekwoon vaguely
wondered when the last time Jaehwan had actually been to class was. In a stroke
of luck, his last period teacher felt as if he could no longer hold their
attention and allowed them to go free fifteen minutes before the rest of the
school populace. At least at this rate, Jaehwan wouldn’t be left waiting for
long.
Taekwoon made his way out to the parking lot, the wind whipping around him. The
parking lot was nearly deserted save for a group of boys ahead, mostly obscured
by the edge of the school building. From this distance, it looked like a fight
was brewing, the wind carrying their steadily rising voices. He was not usually
the nosy type but he couldn’t help edging closer, careful to stay against the
wall.
“I have done nothing to provoke you. Not only are you wasting my time but
you’re wasting your own. Go pick a fight with someone who actually deserves
it,” Said the boy whose back was against the wall, and it was with a shock that
Taekwoon realized it was Jaehwan, surrounded by three boys he knew were in
their grade.
He wouldn’t, couldn’t interrupt yet, lest he made the situation even worse.
“It’s bad enough that the school had to let in the welfare kids that are
ruining this school but who would have thought that it could sink even lower
with faggots like you in it?”
Taekwoon’s blood boiled as he saw Jaehwan flinch back, his shoulders drawn in
upon himself. “That is none of your business,” Jaehwan grit out, his eyes
flashing dangerously.
Taekwoon knew that look, it was the kind of dead set look that Jaehwan got in
his eyes before he was about to do something undeniably stupid.
“Call me that once more,” Jaehwan said, his voice steely. “I dare you.” He spat
at them, quite obviously unaware that he really shouldn’t be provoking all
three of them at once as they threatened to bear down on them. Taekwoon moved
quickly, leaping in front of Jaehwan and pushing him back against the wall with
one hand before he could move forward, using his own height to his advantage as
he glowered at them.
“What are you—“ Jaehwan hissed.
“Have a new boyfriend to protect you then?” The one on their left sneered.
Taekwoon glared harder but decided to leave before anything got any worse.
“Let’s go, it’s not worth it.” He muttered, seething in anger as he grabbed
Jaehwan’s wrist and pulled him away.
He blocked out their slurs to the best of his ability and he could feel Jaehwan
trembling slightly before they reached his car. “Did they do anything to you?”
He asked softly, turning to face Jaehwan.
He pursed his lips and shook his head. “Just a couple of bruises. I think I’m
just more shaken than anything,” said Jaehwan, not bothering to hide the
bitterness in his voice. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let them affect me like that.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
Taekwoon frowned. “Don’t apologize, they’re being terrible to you for no
reason, can’t your father do anything about this? He’s on the board of
directors for the school, is he not?” His voice was unusually brisk, a
byproduct of the anger he felt settling low in his gut.
Jaehwan tugged his hand free from Taekwoon’s grip, getting in the car and the
other followed suit. “He is but I do not want to trouble him with this. My
parents left with Hakyeon’s family yesterday but I didn’t feel like coming with
them.”
“Why not?”
“I suppose I just wanted to spend some time at home,” He paused then added as
an afterthought, “And I knew that with everyone else gone, you’d be left here
for Christmas. I know you have your family but you never seem very happy when
you’re with them so I decided my gift to you this year would be to bless you
with my company for two weeks.”
“I’m flattered,” Taekwoon said dryly.
By the time they arrived at Jaehwan’s house, he seemed to have shaken off the
incident in the parking lot but Taekwoon knew enough to look past the easy
banter to see the tense lines in his shoulder and how he stumbled over his
words.
It didn’t stop Taekwoon from exploring his abode though. His house was less of
a house and more of a high-tech modern wonder, straight out of a modern design
magazine. It was a house of cool neutrals and touch screens, and windows that
spanned ceiling to floor (which was quite a feat considering the soaring
ceilings that gave him the impression that the house was doubly larger than it
already was). It should have been impersonal and cold, were it not for
Jaehwan’s books and magazines scattered all over the coffee table, bright
family photos, a roaring fireplace, the agglomeration of pillows and throws on
the sofa; there was just enough of a human touch to feel like a home and not a
house. It was difficult to imagine that anyone could live here on a day to day
basis without worrying about dirtying the house or setting an item out of place
but he supposed Jaehwan had maids to deal with that for him.
Jaehwan didn’t stop him as he entered his room and it felt strangely intimate
to be in there, just the two of them. Taekwoon withheld comment until he
wandered into his bathroom, raising an eyebrow at him. “Why do you even need
this many facial products?”
“This clear skin doesn’t just come naturally, you know!” Jaehwan sniffed
indignantly.
Taekwoon reluctantly put down the product he was eyeing when he realized that
most of these served the same purpose and at this point, it was just
indulgence. “You’re so high maintenance,” He sighed at him.
Jaehwan rolled his eyes and grabbed his wrist, tugging him back towards the
door. “And that concludes your house tour for today. I feel like I must remind
you that you came here to play video games not criticize my life choices.”
Taekwoon had the foresight to sooth the wound for Jaehwan by giving him the
privilege of two easy rounds where he patiently allowed Jaehwan to teach him
the controls. As if he hadn’t memorized them two months ago pummeling each and
every one of Sanghyuk’s characters into the ground.
Poor Jaehwan was in for quite a shock when Taekwoon scored an easy win after
their quick crash course.
“Ah, not to worry. That wasn’t the prime of my game. That was just a warm up
round, I got it now.” Jaehwan said but he could see the worry in his eyes. He
had been counting on an easy win and quickly realized that perhaps Taekwoon
wasn’t such easy prey after all.
“Okay, okay, I’m playing for real this time,” claimed Jaehwan after losing
spectacularly to Taekwoon (again) as the TV screen in front of them read Round
18.
Taekwoon snuck an amused glance over at Jaehwan. “I know how to play this, you
know. I just wanted to see if I could rile you up.”
He seemed genuinely at a loss for words for a moment before he threw the
controller lightly at Taekwoon before kicking out at him for good measure.
“Just so you know, Satan called, he wants you back home for dinner.”
“I don’t know why you’re getting upset at me when you’re naturally bad at video
games. Sometimes you’re just meant to lose.” Taekwoon said without a change in
expression.
Jaehwan’s eyes narrowed and he reached over, fully intent on throttling
Taekwoon but he used just a bit too much force, bowling both of them over,
falling on top of Taekwoon. He had a brief moment where he allowed himself to
wonder when his life had evolved from simply a bad romantic comedy to a really
shitty one. Jaehwan laughed breathily, obviously unsure of what to do in this
situation, his chest pressed against his, but he didn’t make any movement to
suggest that he wished to move away and so Taekwoon got to watch a blush bloom
from his pale cheeks to his ears again.
 
“This is…ah…” He stammered, unsure of himself, looking at Taekwoon nervously.
He could feel Jaehwan’s breathing quicken and catch in his chest, licking his
lips quickly and he knew Jaehwan realized that he tracked that particular
movement.
“Oh, fuck it.” He whispered, coming to a decision quicker than Taekwoon would
have thought, before leaning down and kissing Taekwoon, properly this time. He
pressed himself against his body, and unlike the first time, there was nothing
chaste about this kiss. It was open-mouthed and ardent and Taekwoon was sure
that he could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. “God, you don’t know how
badly I’ve wanted this,” Jaehwan whispered against the curve of his lips and he
could feel his soft pants against his mouth.
“You have a funny way of showing it then,” Taekwoon couldn’t seem to help his
snide remark nor could he help his soft gasp when Jaehwan tangled his hand in
his hair, pressing himself against Taekwoon and kissing him again and again. It
was a heady feeling, knowing he was wanted, wanted so desperately by someone so
desired by others. No, it was knowing that Jaehwan wanted him back after all,
that despite his tendency to be the most indecisive fuck on the planet, he was
just as great of a kisser as he claimed to be.
Jaehwan was gentler than he expected, his mouth soft as he sighed into his
mouth, the fullness of his lips kiss red.
“Are we okay then?” Taekwoon asked, a quiet exchange of words between the two
of them.
Jaehwan didn’t reply at first, instead choosing to press several closed mouth
kisses to Taekwoon’s mouth and he could feel his smile instead of seeing it.
“Yeah, I suppose we’re okay, then.”
—
Jaehwan had somehow convinced Taekwoon to stay for a gourmet High School cooked
dinner of ramen (the fanciness of his kitchen made up for the lackluster meal)
and against all odds, had convinced him to stay for awhile afterward too.
Perhaps this was too fast, though, with Taekwoon pressed into his side, his
head on his shoulder as they watched old Game of Throne reruns. Oh well,
Jaehwan had always been all or nothing and it somehow seemed right, to have
Taekwoon by him, and he wasn’t protesting.
“How long have they been bothering you, Jaehwan?” He asked suddenly,
interrupting the quiet between them. “The boys that you met in the parking lot
earlier.”
Jaehwan had hoped that Taekwoon would have let the issue go, he didn’t
particularly like lingering on the thought that there were people so spiteful
against him for such a small reason and how willing they were to turn their
backs on him without knowing anything about him. “I don’t usually run into
them,” He said truthfully. “But it wasn’t them from the party that gave me the
black eye, if you’re wondering. There are, quite frankly, a lot of people that
are very quick to hate me for what they don’t understand.”
“Does it bother you, then?” He asked, tilting his head up.
Jaehwan contemplated lying, brushing off the issue but in truth, the slurs and
words pained him more than any of his mottled bruises did. “Yes,” He finally
admitted. “But it's not something that can be helped.” He could sense that
Taekwoon wanted to say more on the issue but in the end, perhaps, could not
find the correct words so he fell quiet as Jaehwan put his arm around his waist
and drew him closer.
—
When Taekwoon woke up, it took him awhile to register the fact that it was
Christmas morning, that he should feel more excitement than a distant sense of
apathy. He supposed it was a side effect of growing up, the luster of Christmas
falling aside but it was difficult to linger too long on that thought when
light flakes of snow drifted from the sky, covering the untrimmed lawn outside
his bedroom window. The rickety swing set with its frostbitten chains barely
swayed in the wind, under a grey sky, and it felt like winter had finally
settled in properly at last.
He must have spent too long staring out his window because he could hear the
quick footsteps of his sister running downstairs, caught up in the excitement
of the season. Of course he had spent as much as he could on gifts for both his
sister and his mother but a part of him wished he could have more, have more
money or time to give them the Christmas they deserved. But that kind of
thinking would get him nowhere, it was only what he made of the present that
would matter.
He padded out, his too short sweatpants exposing his bare ankles and his
usually neat hair flat on one side, belying which side he had favored
throughout the night. It brought a small smile to his face to hear his little
sister’s squeals. Their Christmas tree was, quite frankly, falling apart branch
by branch but it was still painstakingly outfitted in glimmering golden lights
and twinkling ornaments of every sort of color. Taekwoon walked slowly as if
not to spoil the scene before him, the light scent of sugary goodness drifting
in from the kitchen, a carpeted living room covered in scraps of wrapping
paper, and a new doll in his sister’s hand.
“Look at what Santa brought me!” She squeaked with a megawatt smile,
brandishing her prize.
Taekwoon nodded, laughing softly as he sat down cross-legged next to her. “It’s
very pretty, Minyeol.” He gestured to the small pile of presents still left
under the tree. “You forgot to open those, maybe Santa brought you even more
stuff.”
“Those are for you, idiot.” Minyeol said, not a trace of fear on her face as
she teased her older brother.
Taekwoon usually would have chastised her for this but instead remained caught
up in his own confusion. “For me?”
She nodded enthusiastically, dragging the pile over. “Santa brought you a lot
of things this year!”
He hadn’t received Christmas morning gifts ever since he was Minyeol’s age. His
mother had always been too busy to make him anything and he always insisted on
them saving any extra money to treat his mother to a massage. Perhaps Hakyeon
and Sanghyuk had sent them? But they would have no way of knowing where he
lived and if they had purchased gifts for him, they would have most likely sent
them to Jaehwan’s house anyways. He methodically tore the paper from the gifts,
the red and green falling next to him as he lifted the sweater up to the light.
It was a red sweater with long sleeves, the fabric soft to the touch. He turned
the remaining of the wrapping paper over, only to discover a small handwritten
note tucked away, naming the true gifter of the present so as to not ruin
Minyeol’s belief in Santa.
Taekwoon turned quickly when he heard another person enter the room. His mother
grinned and oh, Taekwoon had missed this smile, the one that wiped away all
traces of age from his mother’s face as he leapt up and caught her in a hug. He
was never one for many words, only able to stutter a weak, “Thank you.”
He was half surprised and half mortified to find his eyes filling with tears
when he pulled away, quickly attempting to regain his composure. “How did you
have the time for this?” He asked, his voice quiet enough not to be heard by
Minyeol.
“I made time for you, you deserve it and I think the color suits you.” His
mother whispered, smiling fondly at him.
Part of Taekwoon was convinced this was a dream, a vignette that he wanted to
ground in his life and relive again. This was the kind of Christmas he had only
been able to dream of, the one he had tried to make happen every year for his
sister, but never one he had received.
The other two packages he had received were both significantly smaller turned
out to be a book and a new pair of earphones.
The gentle snow drifted down outside their window, the house full of light and
overplayed Christmas Carols, rattling their radio. Both Taekwoon and Minyeol
had forgone their usual breakfasts in favor of candy canes and sugar cookies as
they watched their mother delight in the new scented candles courtesy of Saint
Nicholas.
“What are you talking about, Taekwoon? This skirt does not go with those
shoes!” His sister protested, yanking the doll back out of his hands. “You’re
ruining her fashion sense.”
Taekwoon’s lips quirked up in a smile as he held up his hands in mock
surrender. “You’re right, you know best. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
She stared up at him in a scarily accurate imitation of his own expression of
annoyance, shaking her head, muttering under her breath, “Boys.”
Taekwoon cuffed her lightly over the head for that, about to make a suggestion
to at least change the jacket for this particular outfit when—
“Can’t you two keep it down for once?” A deep voice bellowed and Taekwoon
flinched, instinctively blocking his sister from view as a man filled the
doorway, his face stormy. He could smell the reek of alcohol even from here, he
had hoped that he had drunk enough to maybe remain passed out until noon or
later but it seemed as if that was his only Christmas wish that was left
unfulfilled. His father had evidently taken another swig of beer, this morning,
a freshly opened bottle clenched in his hand as his face reddened. “And clean
up this mess while you’re at it. Making a mess while I work hard to give this
family what it needs and you,” He pointed a quivering finger at Taekwoon, “Go
every year, spending it on useless gifts like this and turn the house into a
pig stye while you’re at it.”
He lumbered off into the kitchen, scratching at his head and in the charged
quiet that followed, Taekwoon let out a sigh of relief that he didn’t know he
had been holding. He wanted to say something, wanted to apologize to Minyeol
but she had silently begun to move her dolls out of the way, collecting the
remaining wrapping paper off the floor. The room had turned chilly as the
clouds moved to block the morning sun and he couldn’t help but shiver a little,
deciding to don his new sweater.
They had both been cowed into silence as they entered the kitchen.
He wordlessly snuck past his father to attempt to go back to his room when a
glass shattered, behind him, the shards skittering across the floor. He turned
sharply, his mother’s hands shaking, the cabinet door swinging above her, the
ruined cup on the floor.
Taekwoon winced preemptively before the shouting even began.
He didn’t know why he reacted, this was a scene that he had seen play out time
and time before. His mother cowering under his father’s alcohol fueled rage,
his sister covering her ears and yet unable to look away. Maybe it was because
the morning had started so young and innocent, only to be trampled mercilessly
upon.
No, it wasn’t simply today. It was a childhood of hiding behind his bedroom
door, unable to do anything, helpless and small. A childhood of eating dinner
in rushed silence in case his father’s fist slammed on the table, bringing on a
torrent of slurs. A life time of defending the rest of his family, only to walk
away with the scars to prove his useless struggle. He didn’t know where the
courage came from, what exactly inside of him snapped but he shoved his father
backwards, standing in front of his mother, his jaw tense. It struck him that
this was the first time he had been able to look his father in the eye. He had
grown taller than he remembered.
“I’ve had enough,” said Taekwoon.
His eyes flashed dangerously. His father raised the remnants of his beer
bottle, his unshaven mouth contorting in range. “This is none of your business,
boy.” He said, evidently struggling to keep his voice as even as Taekwoon did,
pointing to the kitchen door.
“No,” He said calmly, despite his trembling hands. “You have no reason to be
yelling at mom like that. You’ve done enough.”
“You dare…” His father spat, jabbing his finger into Taekwoon’s chest. “You
dare challenge me when I give you all a place to sleep and food to eat? I own
this house, this is my house!” He shouted, causing Taekwoon to flinch back
despite himself.
Taekwoon grit his teeth, he could feel his anger boiling up below the surface.
His father had done nothing but haul himself to work every day and drink
himself into oblivion every night, considering his job done as long as the rent
was paid off. The rest of them were the ones that had to deal with the bills,
the food, and everything that came along with it. His father had spent so long
bullying them all into silence that he was sure whatever he expected, it wasn’t
this.
“The only thing you’re supporting is your own addiction,” Taekwoon snapped, his
voice rising steadily. “We owe you nothing.”
Although, his father was the same height, he seemed to loom over him as his
face grew progressively redder as he trembled, carried by the same hot anger
that Taekwoon held.
“You are lucky I let you stay in this house anymore, I know what you’ve done,
don’t you dare take up that attitude with me!” His father yelled, breathing
heavily.
Taekwoon felt as if someone had doused him in ice cold water, he couldn’t
possibly know, no, he was probably feigning, coming up with a ridiculous excuse
just to yell at Taekwoon even more.
His father must have seen something in his face because his smile was one of
vicious victory. “Yes, I know,” He sounded even more dangerous when his voice
dropped and Taekwoon couldn’t help shuddering, “I know about that boy, the one
you kissed right outside of our house. How did you think I could not have
seen?”
Taekwoon staggered backwards as if he had been struck. “No…” He had naively
assumed that nobody would be paying attention to what was going on outside at
that hour, the possibility of his father seeing him had never even crossed his
mind. He felt as if he was going to be sick. “You can’t have.” He dared not
look at his mother, he had already heard her shocked gasp, he did not need to
see the disappointment written clearly on her face.
He couldn’t stop his shaking but he could feel the insistent lump in his throat
and he curled his hands into fists. “Fine,” He said cooly, sounding much more
in control than he actually felt, his mind seemingly having gone numb, “It’s
funny, I’ve always been so ashamed of you, a good for nothing father who could
provide us with nothing. I’ve always been ashamed of the life I could have had
but I’m not ashamed of who I am and who I turned out to be. If you choose to
be, then that is your own doing.”
He could see the cords in his father’s neck as he opened and closed his mouth,
like an absurd fish out of water, and his hands did the same, clenching and
unclenching, as he struggled for the words to convey what he was trying to say.
“Then get out,” He hissed, a savage gleam in his eyes.
“What?” Taekwoon asked numbly.
“You heard what I said,” He raised a shaking hand and pointed to the door, “Get
out! If you’re so ashamed of this family, then don’t bother coming back.”
This time it was Taekwoon’s turn to stare at him in disbelief.
“I don’t want a freak for a son.”
He looked at his mom helplessly but she only stared blankly ahead. His sister
had disappeared from sight, most likely to hide in the relative safety of her
room.
Taekwoon felt as if the pain hadn’t quite hit him yet, barely trusted that his
muscles would work as he fled from the kitchen and out into the cold air,
slamming the door behind him.
He only walked, without any destination in mind, until he deemed that he was
far enough from his house. He crumpled down on an empty park bench, shielding
his face from the cold and the stares of concerned passerbys. The tears never
came but there was a stitch in his chest, as if he ran a marathon without a
chance for rest. He choked on his own breath, no, he couldn’t breathe, this
wasn’t right, this wasn’t right at all. He couldn’t breathe. The world around
him felt almost faint, blurry at the edges. Was he shaking because of the
ruthless cold or because of his own nerves? He couldn’t tell. He still couldn’t
breathe as his lungs struggled to suck in lungful after lungful of the burning
air.
He didn’t know how long he stayed there but it was long enough for his heart to
feel normal in his own chest again, until he could breathe again. His face was
dry but he still felt shaken down to his very core. He couldn’t very well stay
out here, with no purpose and nowhere to go. No home to turn to.
Somewhere along the way, Taekwoon had decided to go to Jaehwan’s. It was as
good of an option as any with Hakyeon and Sanghyuk both out of the country.
Jaehwan was expecting him later in the afternoon anyways.
He paced the length of the bus stop, regaining his cool composure and settling
himself down out of the sheer force of his will. It would do no good to either
of them for Jaehwan to realize that something was amiss and potentially ruin
his holidays too.
He hardly remembered the bus ride there, simply trekking up the stone cobbled
path to Jaehwan’s house. Taekwoon fumbled with his phone for the gate code,
pulling his sweater sleeves down over his hands as he rung the doorbell.
—
Jaehwan had been steadily eating his way through the box of chocolates his
parents had sent home from Paris. It was a wonder it had arrived that morning
and he didn’t even want to think of the shipping cost it took to mail the
package that quickly. The house was quiet and empty but not quite lonely, not
with the fireplace crackling merrily in front of him as he texted quick replies
to everybody wishing him a Merry Christmas. Perhaps it was simply because he
was always surrounded by company but he appreciated the quiet, even if he was
present-less and alone on Christmas morning. Taekwoon would be coming by later
anyways and he had threatened Hakyeon and Sanghyuk with bodily harm if they did
not return bearing gifts so he was sure that was sorted out.
It came as a shock, then, as the doorbell rang, notifying him to someone’s
arrival. He threw the candy wrappers haphazardly on the coffee table, hastily
heading towards the door, hoping that there was no trace of chocolate still
lingering on his mouth.
He opened the door only to be greeted by the sight of a particularly surly
looking Taekwoon in a new sweater. He had come to accept that Taekwoon only had
two default facial expressions anyways: Angry and less angry.
“Taekwoon!” He exclaimed, pulling him in by the front of his sweater and
shutting the door before capturing his lips in an excited, albeit sloppy kiss.
“You said you weren’t coming by until after lunch.”
“Are you implying that you’re not happy to see me?” He squinted, punching
Jaehwan lightly in the stomach.
“Merry Christmas to you too,” he sighed, half fondly half out of exasperation.
It took Taekwoon a surprisingly short time to zero in on the mess that he made
of his coffee table and he raised his eyebrow, looking first at Jaehwan than at
the slew of wrappers.
Jaehwan rushed over, trying to gather them up and out of sight. “Why are you so
judgemental?” He complained, “I’m home alone and under no obligation to keep
this place clean!”
“Tch,” said Taekwoon.
He tried to hurl a chocolate at Taekwoon in response but should have foreseen
him catching it and eating it instead. Curse Taekwoon and his natural athletic
ability and scary stares.
Taekwoon looked around and must have quickly noticed the lack of a Christmas
tree. “Where are all your presents?” He asked, genuinely curious.
“Hakyeon and Sanghyuk are bringing theirs back, as are my parents and most of
my remaining friends at school besides you three have already given me theirs
or plan to give it to me when we come back from break,” He shrugged. “I was
going to buy you a present but Sanghyuk suggested that my Christmas present to
you should be mind blowing sex instead,” He said with the straightest face he
could manage.
 
Taekwoon looked suitably unimpressed, cocking an eyebrow at him. “That is a
rather underwhelming gift. You have not particularly astounded me as a
particularly great kisser so far so I’m managing to keep my expectations low.”
Jaehwan sputtered and Taekwoon had to work this time to keep his face
impassive. “What? How dare you, you come to my house and insult me like this? I
will not stand for this!” He advanced in what he hoped was a threatening
manner, trying to make himself bigger than he actually was. It was hard to
maintain his facade when Taekwoon broke away, practically giggling, turning his
head to the side.
“Fine, you are not a bad kisser,” admitted Taekwoon, grabbing his arm and
pulling him back.
Jaehwan smiled at that, cupping Taekwoon’s face in his hands. “Hmm, I would
hope not,” He said, softly kissing him. This is what it was supposed to feel
like, he thought, the excitement not dying out as he kissed him over and over
again. This was completely unlike any other girl he kissed, they were nice but
Taekwoon was different, he was firm and solid beneath his touch and he was not
as soft, his lips slightly chapped from the winter cold and Jaehwan loved it,
he wasn’t sure if he could ever get enough.
Jaehwan was pleased to see the flush on Taekwoon's full cheeks and he looked
down in obvious embarrassment. "It's cold," said Taekwoon.
"Maybe I can warm you up then," said Jaehwan, his voice full of innuendo as he
waggled his eyebrows.
Taekwoon scrunched up his nose, "You're disgusting."
Jaehwan laughed before pressing himself against Taekwoon's front again, kissing
him insistently as he pushed him back onto the couch, falling on top of him,
reveling in his breathy sighs and the way his hands bunched up with the fabric
of Jaehwan's shirt. He loved how pliant Taekwoon was below him, his usually
stoic nature falling when he moaned as Jaehwan licked into his mouth, grinding
down. Taekwoon's hips rocked up to meet his and his eyes lost their usual focus
as pressed kisses down his jawline. "I want to see more of you," he whispered,
"Can I?"
Taekwoon's eyes looked almost curiously shuttered and he looked as if he wanted
to deny him, his cheeks still flushed a pretty red like his lips which were
shining wetly.
Taekwoon moved into a slightly more upright position as Jaehwan slowly lifted
his shirt above his head, goosebumps raising upon his skin in the cold air. His
hands stuttered a little but Taekwoon finished the job, pulling both his
sweatshirt and shirt off. He looked so vulnerable like this and he covered his
arms across his chest, sitting up, and not meeting Jaehwan's eyes.
"Taekwoon," he said, shocked, his fingertips trailing over the light scars that
crossed across his chest and snaked to his back. "What..."
Taekwoon frowned, bowing his head. "I didn't want to tell you but I knew you'd
find it eventually," he said, his voice flat. He took a deep, shaky breath
before continuing, "My dad has always been a heavy drinker. I would have rather
it been me than my mom or my sister."
“Taekwoon…” Jaehwan choked out finally.
“Don’t. Please don't be upset," Taekwoon murmured, "It was all a long time ago
anyways." He rubbed absent-mindedly at his arms before huffing, his eyes
averted, ”This might seem stupid to you but I also do not think they make my
body very appealing."
"Taekwoon look at me," Jaehwan said quietly but no less commanding. Taekwoon
met his eyes reluctantly, as if worried about his reaction. "That doesn't
matter to me, alright? I would never find you any less than what you are just
because of your scars."
Taekwoon managed a weak smile at that, which turned a bit wry. "I'm sorry for
ruining the mood, by the way. I have no doubt in my mind that you were
definitely hoping for sex considering you knew we were going to be alone."
Jaehwan rolled his eyes, "I know I'm a teenage boy with needs and all but,
really, I have my priorities too." His eyes turned more somber, "But you would
tell me if anything else happened, wouldn't you? I may not be able to fix
everything but you shouldn't keep these things to yourself."
Taekwoon chose not to answer as he pulled his shirt back on. "I..." He watched
Jaehwan carefully for a reaction. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't
want to ruin your Christmas."
Jaehwan's chest definitely tightened at that, his eyebrows furrowing. "Don't
worry about me, I want to know if something is bothering you. Above everything,
we’re friends first, remember?”
He fiddled with his watch, the silence punctuated only with the soft crackle of
the warm fireplace in front of them, and when he spoke, it sounded as if he was
forcing himself to continue, his voice halting almost every sentence, “My dad
told me he didn’t want to see me in his house again,” He said quietly and
Jaehwan went still, “We had a…disagreement…as we are prone to doing and I
should not have said the things I said because he knows about, well, us. He saw
us that one night in front of my house. I do not think he meant it lightly when
he told me he didn’t want me as a son.” Taekwoon made a little scoffing noise
from the back of his throat, “I’ve never been particularly fond of my father
but that was not exactly how I imagined today going.”
Jaehwan was at a loss for words, could only hold Taekwoon close to him, his
hand running soothingly through his hair. He always found it odd that no matter
how upset Taekwoon was, he didn’t think he’d ever seen him cry. Taekwoon let
out a dry sob, burying his face into Jaehwan’s chest, trembling, as if the
entire weight of the situation bore itself down upon his body and it was too
much for him to bear.
He could feel his throat tightening with anger, anger on behalf of Taekwoon,
thrown out because of who he was, anger at the rest of the world for
perpetuating this, anger at himself for being the one to cause all of this. He
supposed if he truly wanted to blame fingers, the blame would rest on no other
than himself but he didn’t want to examine that too closely.
“We can deal with this,” Jaehwan said, swallowing his anger down, “My parents
will let you stay with us, I’m sure of it. You deserved better, you deserved so
much better than that. He never deserved a son like you.”
Taekwoon looked up and his eyes were unreadable for a moment before he sighed,
“You are angry.”
“Of course I am, I don’t…I don’t want to see you hurt.” He felt almost shy
saying those words aloud, but there was more to it than that. He wanted
Taekwoon to stop feeling broken, like he should apologize for being who he was,
he wanted Taekwoon to have the unconditional love that should come with family,
not experience the hatred and rejection he never deserved.
“Don’t blame yourself for kissing me in front of my house, I should have
realized that there was a chance that someone could have seen us.”
How Taekwoon it was to worry more about Jaehwan than himself, his heart ached
for him who had so much to give and had spent most of his life being pushed
away into a corner. Jaehwan shook his head quickly. “No, it’s not that,
although, I should have thought that one through but I’m just…I’m angry at your
father and just…at everything,” He finished lamely and mentally smacked
himself. He wondered if he would ever be able to pull together the proper words
to tell Taekwoon what he felt, what came so clearly to him in his mind.
“I admit that just being with you makes me feel better. I don’t know how you do
it but you just being there has always comforted me, in a way.” Taekwoon leaned
forward quickly, kissing his forehead and the gesture felt strangely intimate
in a way that made Jaehwan’s heart flutter.
He cleared his throat out of embarrassment, “I wish I could do more,” He said
sincerely, “But you can definitely stay here since my parents won’t be back
until break is over and well…when they come back, I’m sure they’ll welcome
you.” Something nagged at the edge of his memory and he suddenly remembered
that he had, in fact, gotten an actual gift for Taekwoon. He hoped that it
would be enough for now to take the edge off the pain and distract him. “I just
remembered something…I’ll be back, I swear.”
Taekwoon stared after him, bemused, but did not move as Jaehwan shot upstairs,
grabbing the present placed on top of a small pile of gifts that he had
painstakingly wrapped last night.
He returned, pressing himself against Taekwoon’s side, handing him the box.
“It’s ah…” He rubbed the back of his neck, “This one isn’t something I bought,
it’s actually something that’s always meant a lot for me but I thought you
should have it.”
Taekwoon’s curiosity was piqued now as he undid the wrapping paper, undoing the
lid of the vinyl player.
“I’ve had it for a couple years now, mostly because I went through a hipster
phase but I had grown sick of singing because I was kind of forced to carry so
much pressure to do well in competitions and performances but one summer, I had
shut myself out from the rest of the world and I started a vinyl collection and
I think that’s what helped me start to truly love music again.” Jaehwan was
aware that he was rambling now, suddenly nervous in the face of the fact that
Taekwoon had not shown much of a reaction, “I thought it would be nice because
we only met because you practically begged me to join choir and—“
Taekwoon grabbed his face and kissed him, maybe to shut him up, maybe to thank
him. Probably all of the above. “Thank you,” He said, closing the lid
carefully, his fingers brushing over it almost reverently. “It means a lot.”
Jaehwan nodded and it felt like a weight had been taken off his chest, he
usually just methodically purchased gifts for his friends off Amazon without
too much thought put into it so he hadn’t been entirely sure how Taekwoon would
receive this. “I have a huge vinyl collection too that I put in the box but I
did a pretty shitty job at wrapping it, somehow, so I was just going to plan on
giving it to you tomorrow.”
“How do you mess up wrapping a plain box?” Taekwoon asked incredulously.
“My mind stops functioning after about one in the morning,” said Jaehwan.
“Thank you,” Taekwoon said, “Not just for this, but for everything.”
Jaehwan could sense the weight of the words that Taekwoon left unspoken, he
always said so few words that the ones he did say held so much more meaning.
“You deserve it.”
“You’re just hoping that I’ll really show how thankful I am to you by agreeing
to fuck you, aren’t you?” Taekwoon said suddenly, with a put upon sigh, “You’re
almost boringly predictable.”
“What?” Jaehwan asked, affronted, “I would never—“
Taekwoon shot him a look.
“Well, okay, that certainly was not my original intention but now that you
mention it.”
Taekwoon gingerly set his new gift down on the coffee table and lobbed a throw
pillow at him which barely went whizzing past his head.
“How dare you, that’s authentic imported Egyptian Cotton!”
—
Jaehwan had just been joking when he implied that sex would be proper repayment
for his Christmas gift but he supposed he should have foreseen that Taekwoon
would almost certainly follow through with his promise when he realized that he
would be spending the rest of his Christmas break alone with Jaehwan.
It shocked him how easily they both fell into a comfortable routine and Jaehwan
had found that he didn’t mind any silence that stretched between the two of
them. It was the kind of comfortable silence he could share with Hakyeon,
without the pressure to say anything witty or to contribute anything to a
conversation. It was a nice change from the usual school year.
He lounged on his own bed, which was more than large enough to accommodate the
both of them, even with Jaehwan’s tendency to sprawl out and hog the sheets in
the middle of the night. His glasses rested on the bridge of his nose as he
absent-mindedly read their Christmas break assignment, none of it really
filtering through to his over-active mind. The steady flow of water switched
off as Taekwoon ended his shower, hastily tying a towel around his waist as he
padded from the bathroom and into Jaehwan’s room.
“For all you eat, you have the physique of a particularly sickly child,”
Taekwoon intoned as he went through Jaehwan’s clothes.
Jaehwan closed his book to glare at Taekwoon. “It is not my fault you have
inhumanly big shoulders and I’ll have you know that you walk like a newborn
spider because of how long your legs are.”
Taekwoon rewarded him with a small laugh as he pulled on a pair of Jaehwan’s
too short sweatpants, foregoing a shirt and ending up in bed next to Jaehwan,
his still damp skin pressed against Jaehwan’s arm through a threadbare T-Shirt.
It wouldn’t do to seem affected so he simply opened his book again, feigning an
unimpressed look. “You’re distracting me,” he said.
“That seems rather easy to do,” Taekwoon remarked, playfully shutting his book.
Jaehwan glared at him, pretending that he wasn’t hyperaware of how Taekwoon’s
leg was pressed against his, how he hated the small smirk that played on
Taekwoon’s lips, and fuck, Taekwoon really could be a little shit when he
wanted to be. Which was, to say, all the time. “Go put on a shirt, you’re not
impressing anyone.”
“You’re also a shitty liar,” Taekwoon said matter-of-factly.
“Damn you,” Jaehwan growled, throwing his book to the ground because homework
could always wait until a later time but this could not. He pushed Taekwoon
down onto his bed, and then he was kissing him, their chests pressed against
each other, his knee pressing down just so on Taekwoon’s crotch. Taekwoon was
still so sensitive, obviously inexperienced, as his hands grabbed at Jaehwan’s
arms, sloppily kissing him back, struggling slightly under Jaehwan’s intensity
as he pinned him to the bed.
“You’re going to be the death of me, “ Jaehwan said under his breath, pulling
his own shirt off. Taekwoon seemed like he couldn’t help himself as he reached
up, his hands splayed across his chest and down to his lightly toned stomach,
his fingers catching on the waistband of his pants.
Taekwoon smiled a little at that, the kind of smile that looked like he was
holding a secret for himself, before asking in that quiet voice of his that was
no less intense for its softness, “Can I fuck you, Jaehwan?”
Jaehwan’s mind grinded to a halt (that seemed to be a common occurrence with
Taekwoon) and his breath caught in his chest. “Say that again.”
Taekwoon smiled again at that, a maddening smile as he easily flipped them
over, his breath lingering on Jaehwan’s jaw and it fanned hot across his hear.
“I said, can I fuck you?”
Jaehwan shuddered underneath him and he barely had time to gasp out a “Yes,”
before Taekwoon was lifting his hips off the bed and pulling his pants and
boxers off with swiftness and confidence he wasn’t even aware that he had. This
was a side to him that he had never seen before, the one that pinned his arms
above his head and kissed him senseless, rutting against him until they were
both properly hard.
He didn’t want to think of how much of a mess he looked, his dark hair
disheveled and his eyes unfocused, and he would rather be caught dead than
admit it but this side of Taekwoon was turning him on more than he would care
to admit.
Jaehwan whimpered into Taekwoon’s mouth as he palmed at his cock, not enough
pressure to give him any true pleasure but just enough to tease him and put him
on the edge for more. He paused just long enough to give Jaehwan the
opportunity to tug off Taekwoon’s pants and mumble incoherently about the lube
and condoms being in the bedside drawer.
“Didn’t know you had this in you,” Jaehwan joked weakly and Taekwoon’s reply
came in spreading Jaehwan’s legs and slowly pressing a finger inside of him and
it was maddening to do this all sober, wrenching a choked moan from Jaehwan,
his breathing coming hard and fast as he spread his legs a little wider,
embarrassment coloring his cheeks red.
It was at the same time too much and too little as Taekwoon fingered him, slow
and teasing, then too hard and fast for Jaehwan to be able to catch his breath.
Jaehwan knew he had a penchant for being loud in bed but this was ridiculous,
he should not have been good enough to pull every sort of curse and ragged moan
from him, his hips lifting slightly as he rocked back to meet Taekwoon’s
fingers. “Oh God, wait, wait…” Taekwoon slowed but didn’t relent, pressing the
pad of his fingers against his prostrate, the pressure unyielding and Jaehwan
shuddered, “I’m going to come very soon if you keep this up,” He admitted.
“It’s alright,” Taekwoon said as one hand curled around Jaehwan’s bony hip as
he fucked him with his fingers hard enough to have Jaehwan crying out against
the sheets again, coming in a rush, that had him shutting his eyes and clawing
at the sheets and God, these would be a bitch to clean after they were done.
Taekwoon kissed him tenderly after that and Jaehwan melted into the kiss, his
hands running down the broad expanse of Taekwoon’s back, leaning up to leave a
kiss on his jawline. “Contrary to popular belief, you know, I don’t have
unlimited stamina,” He said, despite the fact that his cock twitched in
Taekwoon’s hand as he pumped it languidly.
“You’re so talkative,” Taekwoon hummed, his hand moving slowly on Jaehwan’s
over sensitive cock, pressing open mouthed kisses to his neck as he did so. It
came as a surprise to neither of them when Jaehwan was quickly fully hard
again.
Taekwoon fucked into him with painstaking consideration until Jaehwan snapped
at him to pick up the pace but he found himself almost regretting that when he
found himself gasping and clawing at Taekwoon’s back, and he came undone
between their bodies, Taekwoon following not long after.
Jaehwan closed his eyes, content to lie in the aftermath, their soft breathing
intertwining, where one ended and the other began. He usually hated this, the
tangling of limbs, sticky with sweat and he figured it was probably kind of
gross but it was much less so when Taekwoon nuzzled into the crook of his neck.
“We should do that more often,” Jaehwan said finally, “Only if you agree to get
off of me so I can go and take a proper shower, though,”
Taekwoon laughed at that, he could feel it against his chest but he agreed in
the end. “I guess I’ll have to shower again too, then.”
“What a shame that the closest and most convenient bathroom has a shower big
enough to fit the two of us.”
Taekwoon rolled his eyes but this, this was nice. This was something Jaehwan
could definitely get used to.
—
"Don't leave out any details," Hakyeon said, practically dragging Jaehwan with
him and Sanghyuk as they traveled across campus to their next class. "Really, I
can't believe this, we leave for two weeks and you manage to resolve your
homosexual identity crisis all by yourself." He pinched Jaehwan's cheek, cooing
patronizingly, "Our Jaehwan is finally growing up!"
Jaehwan swore under his breath, slapping Hakyeon's hand away. He recounted
everything as quickly as he could, from their not date at the movies and ending
his story by vaguely mentioning that Taekwoon was able to stay over for most of
break. He didn't think he was in any position to tell them any specifics about
the situation but he supposed it would be the lesser evil to fill them in
before they pestered Taekwoon about it, putting him in a potentially awkward
position. "And something, err, happened, I guess with Taekwoon's family and
he's staying with me for now. As far as my parents are concerned, his family is
on an emergency visit to the States because his cousin is dying and they wanted
to leave Taekwoon behind to finish the school year."
"Your parents actually bought that?" Sanghyuk asked.
"It was the best bullshit story I could come up with on the spot and thankfully
for me, my parents don't tend to question much since they're rarely home
anyways. They'd barely notice that Taekwoon was there so therefore it's not a
matter of huge importance to them to validate that story," Jaehwan shrugged.
"You had all of break to come up with a story though, surely you could come up
with something better than that?" Hakyeon peered at him.
Jaehwan looked a little flustered at that and he said in an off-hand voice, "I
was busy, it kind of slipped my mind."
Sanghyuk got that glint in his eye that had Jaehwan wrenching his arm out of
Hakyeon's loosening grip, "Well, anyways, we might be late to class, no time
for idle chit chat now—“
Sanghyuk pulled him back, "But wait you're leaving out some details, I can feel
it. You can't possibly tell me that you had your new boyfriend, partner,
whatever over for almost two weeks and you didn't fuck. Did you get emotional,
Jaehwan, now that you can finally have sex with somebody special? Was it hot—“
Jaehwan grumbled good naturedly under his breath and threw an arm out, solidly
thwacking Sanghyuk in the stomach. "Go seek out new wank material elsewhere.
Actually, now that I mention it, just go back to your tentacle porn hentai, you
disgusting weeaboo."
Sanghyuk managed to look equal parts affronted and highly offended as he opened
his mouth to prepare a retort.
"Don't bother, Hyuk," Hakyeon sighed, "We all know the truth.”
Years of practice enabled Jaehwan to block out Sanghyuk and Hakyeon bickering
as they walked into class (“If you’re going to watch hentai, at least make some
better choices!” “You shouldn’t be talking, Hakyeon, every time I look over in
History, I see some pretty questionable manga choices on your phone.” “They
were just hugging!”)
Jaehwan silently chose a seat in between them at the back of the class, knowing
that usually put a stop to it.
The rest of the class filed in, several of them giving him some odd looks,
almost accusatory as they took their seats. “What’s up with them?” Jaehwan
muttered under his breath, jerking his head in the general direction of the
students that had just walked in.
Hakyeon’s expression soured, “People have been talking about you over break.
This school has never been the most accepting.”
He supposed that was true but it was never something he had given much thought
but it lingered in his mind, the realization that even Jaehwan had perpetrated
the idea that if you were not well off, a straight A student, and involved in
either a sport or one of the arts, then you were lazy and a slacker. That had
certainly been true the beginning of the year when Hakyeon was the only one
wise enough to keep an open mind and realize that the new transfer students
should not be scorned simply for growing up in a way that was different from
Jaehwan’s own upbringing. The Jaehwan from months ago would have immediately
pegged Taekwoon for a lazy delinquent who always fell asleep in class and
seemed to glare at everyone but that was before he knew how much time he spent
looking after his family and attending to his studies. Plus the whole fact that
Taekwoon’s general demeanor was one of a particularly surly cat who had been
robbed of all the joy in life.
In a way, Jaehwan had expected the rumors to die down on their own but this one
had spread like wildfire, sweeping Jaehwan’s usually high reputation with it.
He had expected the skepticism and the disapproval of some of his peers but he
never would have anticipated the outright sneers and jabs shot his way, the
sudden liberty others had found to make their opinions clearly known to
Jaehwan.
He hated how it all mattered so much to him.
“Hey, you’re in our group,” Hakyeon hissed to him as he heard the screech of
chairs scratching against the floor as the class disbursed to form discussion
circles. Jaehwan was having a bit of trouble processing the fact that he
actually had to come back to school and work, his brain struggling through the
post-break slog that always followed for a week after the end of the holidays.
Thankfully for him, between Hakyeon’s natural work ethic, Sanghyuk’s ability to
bullshit his way through any assignment, and their assumption that Jaehwan
simply wasn’t going to contribute, that meant he got to spend the majority of
class doodling away in his notebook, only needing to pipe up once in awhile
every time the teacher got a little too close to their table.
In the general din of the classroom chattering away, he almost didn’t realize
that the group closest to them wasn’t too focused on analyzing their latest
poem, their heads huddled together and snickering at Jaehwan when he glanced
over. The churning feeling in his gut didn’t exactly quiet down when Hakyeon
muttered a steady stream of “Ignore them” under his breath, probably taking
note of the tenseness in Jaehwan’s shoulders, the tight line of his jaw.
Of course, he had been too caught up in his own world in the two weeks away
from school that he had forgotten about the reality outside of it.
Sanghyuk must have noticed his stormy mood but he didn’t comment when Jaehwan’s
pencil pressed down hard enough to rip through his paper.
He hadn’t thought it was possible but his mood only darkened when the group
beside them pushed past them on the way out, hard enough to jostle them but not
quite enough to catch the teacher’s attention. Jaehwan made a noise at the back
of his throat but Sanghyuk grabbed his wrist appeasingly.
“I know I’m going to sound like Hakyeon for saying this but really, it’s not
worth the effort,” said Sanghyuk placatingly, “I know this sucks right now but
you can’t do anything to change the opinions of others. The only thing to do is
just ignore it all, it’ll all pass sooner than you realize when they get bored
and move on to a new target next month.”
Jaehwan wanted to hold onto his anger for longer, he could still feel how just
moments ago, he was ready to snap. He was sick of how they treated him like a
spectacle to be mocked simply for the fact that he happened to like boys. It
was none of their business and he suspected half of them only disapproved of it
because it was natural, it was what they had grown up doing. But in the end,
Jaehwan just deflated, feeling oddly tired.
“You’re right,” he said, his mouth pressed into a thin line, “I guess I’m just
over-reacting,” He said in an attempt to be casual with a smile that was barely
there. “I guess I just realized that I value the opinions of others more than I
realized.”
Hakyeon and Sanghyuk shared a look that didn’t help quell the anxious feeling
in your stomach.
“It’s alright,” Hakyeon finally said, “It’s normal to be like that, we all want
to be well liked, it’s human nature I suppose.”
Sanghyuk walked in between them, putting his arms around both of their
shoulders. Damn brat had grown taller than Jaehwan before he had even noticed.
He needed to stop hanging around Sanghyuk so much, it just made him look and
feel smaller and smaller every time. “Well, that’s that then.” He quipped
cheerfully, “But save these kinds of discussions for your late night heart to
heart Skype calls because I’m starving and lunch beckons.”
—
Taekwoon shivered, wrapping his scarf closer around him. The trees were still
stripped of their leaves, the whisper of a wind traveling through them. The
snow crunched under their shoes as they made their way through a mostly
deserted park, Jaehwan’s hand warm in his. It was a nice way to spend their
afternoon, he supposed, though anything was better than homework. It was
calming to listen to Jaehwan’s soft melody under his breath and it struck him
just how much more peaceful it was returning to this after the end of every
school day instead of a household full of unknowns and the threat of the coming
day.
His phone buzzed in his pocket as Taekwoon fished it out of his pocket.
He stopped, the contents of the text message leaving him reeling, frozen to the
spot.
“You’re even quieter than usual and I wasn’t even aware that was possible,”
Jaehwan quipped, nudging Taekwoon, “What did that text say?” He asked, leaning
over to try to read it.
Taekwoon made no move to swat Jaehwan’s hand away as he would usually do,
relinquishing his hold on his phone. They had done it, he hadn’t thought…he had
thought his mother would eventually talk some sense into his father and let him
stay around. It wasn’t ideal, staying at home, but it was certainly better than
being a burden on Jaehwan and his family. In a way, the past couple weeks
hadn’t sunk in. It was easier to pretend to be locked away in his own
idealistic world, content to spend after school afternoons, quiet evenings, and
rushed mornings with Jaehwan. But his family wouldn’t have cut him off from his
phone plan if they hadn’t meant their words.
He felt numb, his hands clenched into fists. God, it was probably such a small
thing to Jaehwan but even Taekwoon had taken for granted the convenience of his
phone bill being paid by his family every month but they had taken even that
way as well.
“Taekwoon,” Jaehwan said softly, interrupting his train of thoughts with a
familiar hug and Taekwoon let himself fall into that, shakily taking a deep
breath. “Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal for us to cover it,
alright?” He pulled back, concern written into the lines on his face as he met
Taekwoon’s eyes.
Taekwoon shook his head, struggling to find the words that seemed to become
jumbled in his mind when it actually came to expressing his thoughts aloud.
“I—I thought they wouldn’t actually do this. I thought they’d let me come
back,” Taekwoon finally said, his voice flat.
He could tell that Jaehwan didn’t know what to say, in a moment like this, so
he simply pulled him into a tight hug again and for that, Taekwoon was grateful
for the familiarity of this, his warm body a comfort as he tried to slow his
own breathing down, fighting back the sharp panic that tried to claw its way up
his throat. He couldn’t go back there. His stomach rolled with guilt at the
thought of his sister and his mother…but even his mother hadn’t fought for his
return. His heart felt oddly heavy with the thought. There was no home for him
to return to. He would always feel like a burden no matter what Jaehwan said.
Taking his generosity only made him feel worse.
He choked back on a muffled sob, he knew full well that he was being weak, he
never let himself crumble like this because it hurt so much more to feel than
to ignore, it was so much harder too. Jaehwan probably thought this was silly
but nonetheless, he appreciated the hand carding soothingly through his hair,
his steady warmth steadying him, surrounding him with the scent of crackling
fireplaces and expensive cologne.
“I’m sorry,” Taekwoon said, turning away, hiding his red-rimmed eyes.
“Taekwoon, you don’t ever have to apologize—“
“No, for just…” Taekwoon sighed and it felt as if he was drained of his energy,
the mental exhaustion feeling heavier than ever, as if his thoughts had run a
marathon without leaving him time for rest, “I’m sorry for everything.” I’m
sorry because I’ll never be able to pay back the kindness you’ve shown me. You
are so much kinder than I think even you realize.
“Let’s go home, let me help you deal with this.” There was an almost plea in
Jaehwan’s voice but Taekwoon nodded wordlessly and let him.
Let’s go home.
The words came so easily to Jaehwan, who would always have a home, safe and
sound, for him to return to. Taekwoon could only hope for one like that.
—
“You really don’t have to go with me,” Taekwoon said, the obvious protest
creeping into his voice again. Jaehwan didn’t want to say that they fought but
they had departed in steelier silence than they usually did. Taekwoon had
insisted on going alone, unwilling to bring Jaehwan into this mess but he
adamantly refused.
“It’s fine, Taekwoon,” he said, his voice exasperated, “We’ll just go in there,
grab your stuff real quick and leave. I won’t get pissy with your dad or
anything, I promise.”
Taekwoon coughed slightly and he knew that was just his version of a scoff.
Jaehwan had to admit that he had a bit of a point, he was a bit short tempered
and best and downright argumentative at his worst.
Jaehwan supposed that dreading something only made its arrival more imminent
because he found that they had arrived at Taekwoon’s house much faster than he
anticipated. Despite the fact that he had been the one that insisted on coming
along, he couldn’t help fidgeting as they stood on his doorstep. He had never
met Taekwoon’s father, or any of his family for that fact, and they weren’t
exactly anticipating a warm welcome. Taekwoon stood there as stoically as ever
but the tenseness in his shoulders gave him away almost immediately.
The door swung open quickly, the light from the house spilling out into the
evening. Jaehwan’s first impression of Taekwoon’s father was that he was sure
that he would have a heart attack nearly daily if he had to live with him. He
was tall and unshaven with Taekwoon’s sharp glare, the distinctive scent of
alcohol still lingering about him, Jaehwan could nearly feel the shock and
anger rolling off of him. He looked quickly between the two of them, Taekwoon’s
father with his jaw grit tight as if to stop some outburst, Taekwoon’s head
bowed, not daring to look up.
Jaehwan had known it was bad but not this bad to have immobilized Taekwoon in
complete speechlessness.
He cleared his throat, standing up straighter, but he wasn’t sure if that did
him much good, under the man’s glare, he felt even smaller in his large coat.
“We—er,” Taekwoon shot him a look, “Taekwoon came here to retrieve his
belongings.” He decided to say, figuring that rambling on would not exactly
help the situation.
Taekwoon’s father didn’t say anything for a moment, simply glowered more before
he growled, “Fuck off, you aren’t welcome here anymore,” He said, trying to
close the door. Jaehwan quickly stuck his foot out, preventing the door from
closing and it was evidently a move that he wasn’t expecting but that didn’t
stop him from trying again. Taekwoon made a small noise of panic at the back of
his throat when Jaehwan pushed the door open forcefully, he could feel the
hints of the anger that he had been holding on to for the past weeks
resurfacing, winning over his fear. His fear had only temporarily outweighed
the frustration and anger he had felt, unable to be redirected. Taekwoon hadn’t
deserved this, any of this, and the culprit for his suffering was standing
there in front of him, not even willing to allow his son to do something so
simple as to reclaim his items.
In the moment that lingered, Taekwoon must have slipped past him and into the
house because Jaehwan was distinctly aware of the fact that nobody was there to
stop him from snapping, “You are honestly such an ignorant piece of shit, I
can’t believe that I have to be here to make sure you don’t lose your shit and
try to hurt your own son.”
“He is not my son anymore,” His father grit out, as if the idea of that was
repulsive. “Who are you supposed to be then? His boyfriend?” He taunted,
diverting the topic in an obvious attempt to get a rise out of Jaehwan.
He almost said ‘No’ the response was so automatic. He had spent so long denying
it to anyone who asked, they were something, but not quite solid yet. Had
denied it in fear of even his friends judging him for being different. “Yes,”
the reply slipped out before he could stop it, “He is, actually.”
Taekwoon’s father scoffed and Jaehwan hated that he could still see the
resemblance in their tics and habits, almost refusing to believe that Taekwoon
could be related to this man who was so devoid of something as simple as
kindness and the ability to love and protect his own family. “Then that proves
I was right to get rid of him when I did. I can’t have your kind hanging around
here and fucking up my daughter and this family.”
Jaehwan was left almost speechless at that. He spoke again, his voice quavering
with anger, held back with pure restraint, “How dare you?” His voice was
dangerous quietly, “How dare you cast out your own son just because of your…”
He inhaled deeply, “Your fucked up ideas of what’s wrong and right. He’s your
family. You’re supposed to give him unconditional love no matter what,”
Taekwoon’s father took a step forward and looked as if he was about to speak
but Jaehwan cut him off, plowing on, “You have never been a true family to him,
then. We’re just kids and yet, even if our relationship doesn’t last long, I
want to give him the kind of love that he has never known because you’ve stolen
it from him. Honestly, you make me sick.”
His voice sliced through the frosty winter air, and despite his quiet tone, he
found that his chest was heaving.
Taekwoon cleared his throat, looking between the two of them as he slipped past
his father and rejoined Jaehwan’s side.
“Let’s go,” Jaehwan said decisively, taking Taekwoon’s hand and departing from
the house, walking quickly down the dimly lit path back to his car.
Jaehwan turned on the heater immediately as he entered the car, fidgeting in
his seat as he cranked up the temperature, muttering under his breath about how
he was not built for these weather conditions and it made him smile when he
heard Taekwoon laugh almost mockingly at him.
“It’s surprisingly difficult to drive when you can’t feel your fingers,” said
Jaehwan, his hands gripping the steering wheel just a little too tightly,
anticipating Taekwoon’s question before he asked it.
“What did you say to my dad?” He asked almost immediately as they started to
head down the nearly empty road. Jaehwan vaguely wondered if he had suddenly
acquired the ability of telepathic communication.
“Just…you know, told him he was an asshole and all that. I’m not very good at
small talk,” Jaehwan said casually.
He chanced a glance over at Taekwoon who looked torn between legitimate anger
and simple exasperation. In the end, he just sighed, rubbing at his temples.
“To tell you the truth, I hadn’t expected anything different from you.”
“I have never exactly been renowned for my ability to think before I speak but
I’m sure you already know that.”
Taekwoon fixed him with a look before finally saying, “You have never exactly
been renowned for your ability to think, period.”
Without missing a beat, Jaehwan immediately reached over to catch him in the
stomach but of course, Taekwoon was too fast for him, stopping his arm before
he could deal any bodily damage. “But thank you,” Taekwoon said, catching him
off guard.
“For what?”
“For…what you said,” Taekwoon said and although he seemed embarrassed, Jaehwan
was touched by the obvious sincerity in his voice. “I caught some of it as I
was heading out.”
“Did you get to see your mom or sister?” Jaehwan asked out of curiosity but
almost immediately regretted it when he saw the expression on Taekwoon’s place.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—“
“No, it’s okay,” Taekwoon said, shaking his head. “I didn’t see them, I pretty
much ran to my room and took as much as I could, to be honest. I don’t think I
would have been able to bear seeing them again.”
“But surely they still care about you, I had thought you would want to come
back not only to get your stuff but to see them again,” Jaehwan said.
Taekwoon fiddled absent-mindedly with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, looking
down at his lap. “I honestly don’t know,” He said, his words barely heard over
the soft music filtering through Jaehwan’s car, “I’m still holding onto hope
that they would still want me back but I didn’t want to see them, I didn’t want
to prove myself wrong.”
Jaehwan stayed silent, left alone with his own thoughts as they cruised down
the nearly empty streets, the city unfolding before them as the crumbling
houses gave way to sprawling shopping malls and gated mansions. He could feel
his heart breaking a thousand times over, Taekwoon deserved the world and more.
How could life befall a boy who had only wanted to sing and turn him into one
that was scared to love, to be loved, in fear that it was going to be taken
away from him if he crossed some sort of invisible line. Jaehwan was never one
to be able to handle a long term relationship, actually, all things considered
it was pretty amazing that he managed to manage something more serious than
long term fuckbuddy. But whatever it was he felt for Taekwoon, he could not
name. He could only know that he wanted to see Taekwoon smile, truly smile,
even though he always claimed that his smile made him unattractive, he wanted
him to live and sing like he was meant to, he wanted to see him happy.
He was startled when Taekwoon interrupted his thoughts, asking, “What’s wrong?
You’ve seemed almost angry on the ride home.” He suddenly looked unsure of
himself, “I haven’t done anything wrong have I?”
Jaehwan quickly shook his head, parking the car in the driveway, leaning over
to press a soft kiss to his forehead, dispelling his fears. “No,” He said, “I’m
just…I’m just angry at everything that happened to you I guess,” He was fully
aware that the words sounded foolish after he said them. “This is going to
sound really cheesy but you’re someone I really care about, Taekwoon, it’s
almost scary how much I feel for you when I’ve always been…well, you know how I
am.”
Taekwoon surveyed him before remarking, “That was not something I’d have
thought you were capable of saying just a couple of months ago,” He said, the
corners of his mouth twitching up into a smile, “Who would have thought your
cold, dead heart was capable of feelings?”
Jaehwan struggled to find a response to that but he figured that was a fair
point. After all, it just wasn’t worth the energy to argue against the truth.
—
Jaehwan didn’t want to admit it but Taekwoon was handling the situation at
school much better than he was. Most of them didn’t pay as much attention to
him as they did to Jaehwan, considering that this was only his first year at
the school, but the bolder ones still called to him in the hallways and
whispered snide comments in class. In hindsight, though, he realized that
perhaps the only reason Taekwoon appeared to be handling it well was because
most people realized that poking fun at Taekwoon was usually a poor idea,
considering that he looked like a serial killer on good days and a mass
murderer when he was feeling particularly surly.
Having the support of his closest friends helped but it was still hurtful to
see his classmates and acquaintances regard him as a pariah. As if he were a
different Jaehwan from the one they had known all these years. He was suddenly,
the outsider, the one on display.
The bell rang, dismissing them and he shouldered his backpack, quickly heading
to the bathroom. It wasn’t much of a secret that he spent more time hiding in
the bathroom on his phone than actually attending class but in this case, his
choir director didn’t care overly much if he was missing. Their biggest concert
of the year was done and Jaehwan learned his music quickly enough so that his
absence wasn’t exactly detrimental.
Jaehwan entered, letting his backpack drop to the floor as he leaned against
the wall, taking out his phone, waiting for the class bell to ring and the
bathroom to clear so he could watch YouTube in peace. He peered over the edge
of his phone, two low voices conversing, sneaking glances over at him.
Jaehwan tried to ignore them, they were his classmates, they were once rather
good friends too but lately they had been avoiding him and he had the sinking
feeling that he was the subject of their current conversation.
The shrill alarm of the bell rang through the hallways, the hurried footsteps
of stragglers fading away outside the bathroom. “Shouldn’t you two be headed to
class too?” Jaehwan asked casually, looking up from his phone.
Their heads snapped up in almost unison, and Jaehwan quickly registered that
Kris and Chanyeol looked a lot taller and intimidating when they leered at him
in unison.
“We could say the same for you,” said Kris with a sneer.
Jaehwan shrugged, unconsciously moving closer to the wall and away from them.
“Waiting for your faggot boyfriend here?” Chanyeol jabbed, clearly drawing
confidence from the fact that they outnumbered him and there were no witnesses
around.
Jaehwan grit his teeth, exhaling heavily through his nose. He wouldn’t rise to
the bait, he couldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing how easily the
words nettled him.
“You’re selfish if you think you haven’t dragged him down with you. Just break
up already, it’s disgusting, none of us want to see it,” Kris’ voice was a
direct contrast with Chanyeol’s, low and controlled where Chanyeol’s was alight
with boyish cruelty.
“Just wondering if you’ve ever heard of a thing known as minding your own
business?” The words left his mouth before he could even register it. Jaehwan
slipped his phone back into his sweatshirt pocket, his plans of staying out of
trouble quickly forgotten. He was sick of it, sick of the remarks made behind
his back, the rudeness to his face whispered under the protection of a
classroom, there was always something there tempering Jaehwan’s anger, his
visceral reaction but there was nothing of that sort now. His anger was quickly
mounting, overriding anything else, his hands clenched into fists.
Chanyeol snorted. “For such a skinny little shit, you’ve got a lot of gall.” He
said, a smirk written into the lines of his face and oh, Jaehwan had never
realized how much he hated that cocksure expression on Chanyeol until now.
“What are you going to do about it? Will you—“
He never got a chance to finish that sentence. Jaehwan swung, his fist
connecting hard with the side of Chanyeol’s face and the other crumpled to the
ground with a shocked yell. He whirled around, about to go for Kris but he
wasn’t quite fast enough.
He staggered backwards. The wind knocked out of him as the blow caught him in
the gut. Jaehwan fell, his head thudding heavily against the sink and he was
dimly aware of the ringing in his ear that grew steadily louder. The world
around him moved faster than he could keep up with. His mind felt slow and
groggy, his lungs moving independently to try to regain the air that they had
been robbed of. He knew he had to move faster, to get out of danger but he
couldn’t. His limbs replied seconds too late.
Chanyeol kicked him, his foot colliding with his ribs as his back hit the wall.
He couldn’t breathe, he let out a strangled cry of pain, it was sharp and
bright, knifelike in comparison to the dull thudding in his head. Jaehwan
couldn’t find it in himself to support himself any longer, slumping back
against the wall, his breathing ragged.
The lights seemed too bright now, the conversation before him sounding like it
was taking place miles from here.
The reality of the situation seemed to filter back to the two boys. “Holy
shit,” Chanyeol said, in disbelief. He staggered backwards almost as if he were
stricken. His eyes widened almost comically and Jaehwan would have found the
situation funny if he wasn’t sure that he was practically on the verge of
death.
Kris’ face went ruddy as he backed away. They looked at each other in shock.
They had gotten carried away as quickly as Jaehwan had when he lost his temper.
Obviously, however, that worked out much better in their favor than his.
Kris seemed to struggle to find his voice, to find something to salvage the
situation. “We’ll say that he swung first and we had to fight back in self
defense,” He said weakly, lacking his usual authoritative timbre.
Chanyeol mumbled something in agreement with Kris but Jaehwan didn’t bother
straining to try to catch it. They fled the scene, walking too quickly to not
be suspicious. Cowards, Jaehwan bitterly thought.
Jaehwan didn’t know how long it took for him to take stock of his injuries. The
stabbing in his chest was too much to ignore and yet it seemed to take forever
to reach his muddled mind, the world spinning and turning as he used his
remaining energy to push himself up.
He was vaguely aware of the sticky red that trickled down in his face. He
didn’t meet anyone in the hallways as he dragged himself to the nurse’s office.
Jaehwan offered no explanation to the shocked cries of the nurse, he only
remembered collapsing into the bed, thankful for the temporary relief it gave
him from his pounding head.
The commotion and whirlwind around him quickly died out as the world blurred at
the edges and faded to black.
—
Jaehwan’s father paced the room, and despite the crackling fire, he could
practically feel the storm rolling off of his father, the heat quickly
gathering in his eyes.
Personally, Jaehwan would rather deal with this later. He wanted to only remain
sprawled on the couch, left to deal with the headache hammering behind his eyes
in relative peace, letting the painkillers and a nap work their magic.
Evidently, his wish would not be granted.
“You must tell me why this happened sooner or later,” Jaehwan’s father spoke,
turning to his son.
He closed his eyes. He had avoided this for as long as he could but the more he
tried to divert the conversation, his father only pressed more insistently. He
had almost forgotten that his father had to be filled in on practically
everything. Considering that his parents had been absent from his life, not of
their own fault, he had forgotten that they still cared, no matter if they were
away on business trips for weeks on end. They had always been under the
rightful impression that Jaehwan had been generally well liked, avoiding most
trouble either through the fact that he simply wasn’t a trouble maker or he was
clever enough to avoid any disciplinary action.
Jaehwan opened his eyes slowly and looked up into his father’s eyes. He drew in
a deep breath, steeling himself. “It’s quite a long story,” he said slowly,
“But the gist of it involves my current relationship.” He said vaguely.
His father stopped pacing, looking at him expectantly.
He could feel genuine fear rising in him. He had never expected his parents to
ever find out about this, didn’t think he’d have to deal with their potential
disappointment and rejection. But they had to know and Jaehwan knew it would be
difficult to skirt around the subject for much longer. “The person I’m dating
is not…typical. I’m not really into girls,” He said quietly, curling in upon
himself and looking away quickly. “I think it goes without saying that many
people refuse to accept that.”
The silence stretched on longer than he could bear. He looked up hesitantly to
see his father looking contemplative.
He was almost ready to accept defeat, assuming the worst of the silence until
his father spoke again, “To speak plainly, I will not pretend that I am happy
with it but it does not mean I don’t accept it,” His father said, “It would be
foolish of me to try to change the person you are.”
Jaehwan let out a deep sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding. He
stammered out a weak ‘Thank You’, it wasn’t ideal but it was a start.
“I hope that one day I will be able to look past my own prejudices but until I
learn how to do that, I am still your father and you are still my son,” He
said, his voice softening and Jaehwan knew he meant it with utmost sincerity
despite his father’s usually distant demeanor. “However, that does not change
that there is still business I need to attend to,” he said sternly, “The two
boys that did this to you will pay. Obviously. I suppose it is a bit of an
unfortunate matter for them considering how much influence I hold over the
school board.”
Jaehwan bit back a wry smile. “Rest,” he told Jaehwan, pulling his coat on, “Do
try to avoid dying but the housekeeper should be over in about an hour to check
up on you.”
Jaehwan allowed himself to sink back into the sofa, resting upon the couch
cushions, a blanket pulled over his body as he heard the distinctive click of
the door behind his father.
He allowed himself to doze off for a little, only waking up when he felt the
light brush of a soft kiss on his forehead. He almost wrote it off as a dream
but he opened his eyes slowly, blinking blearily at Taekwoon hovering above
him.
“You’re an idiot,” Taekwoon said decisively, ducking down to kiss him chastely.
Jaehwan weakly reciprocated before hitting his chest lightly.
“I’m ailing and on the verge of death, I have no time for insults,” he said
although he couldn’t help the small smile that blossomed.
Taekwoon sat by his head, allowing him to use his lap as a pillow. Jaehwan let
himself lean into Taekwoon’s touch, relishing in the attention as his hand ran
through his hair. “You and your father are more similar than I gave you credit
for,” he mused, “The same short temper, impulsiveness, and cleverness. I didn’t
mean to but I overheard a bit,”
Jaehwan hummed lightly in responsible. “Probably would’ve been better if I took
after my mom then. Would’ve gotten into a lot less trouble,” He mumbled.
Taekwoon chuckled a little at that, causing Jaehwan to glare at him slightly.
“What?” He demanded.
“Nothing, you’re just cute when you’re sleepy.” He said impassively, probably
full well knowing that calling the other cute was more of an insult than a
compliment.
Jaehwan glared harder but eventually gave up and closed his eyes again.
“I’m sorry,” Jaehwan said suddenly, his voice muffled by sleep.
“Why are you apologizing?” Taekwoon asked, befuddled.
“They were right. I dragged you into this mess. I don’t want to be selfish to
continue dating you but I would never want the same thing to happen to you,”
Jaehwan admitted softly. “I don’t want you getting hurt at all.” He found that
when sleepy, he ended up saying things he would never say were he fully awake.
And yet, he felt that these were things that needed to be said, but they were
things he never had the courage to bring up.
“Jaehwan,” Taekwoon said seriously, “I’m not leaving. Not when…” He paused,
hesitating, “Not when…you mean so much more to me than I could have ever
imagined.” He admitted and Jaehwan didn’t have to look up to imagine the deep
blush on his cheeks.
He felt something in his chest, a burn of fondness and affection, the kind that
filled him with a glowing light and he felt is so strongly, it almost hurt. He
felt more awake now, enough to push himself up to a sitting position, turning
to face Taekwoon.
“Do you mean that?” He asked, hating how vulnerable he sounded even to his own
ears. But this was something different, this was something that ran deeper than
the quick and fleeting butterflies he had felt when he kissed others in the
rain, soft and gentle, this was more than the thrill in his stomach that he got
with escapades in back alleys, this was something else. This was the calm in
the middle of a storm, this was deep seated contentment, this was something
like the best type of friendship, the all-encompasing type, it was that and so
much more.
“Yes,” Taekwoon breathed, “You’re an asshole but you just happen to be special
enough to keep around.
Jaehwan scoffed at that, “First of all, fuck you. Second of all, yeah, I
suppose I am pretty special.” He kissed Taekwoon before he could retort with
something cleverer, his fingers intertwining with Taekwoon’s slender ones. He
knew this, whatever this was, could never be perfect, wouldn’t always end in
ruffled sheets and breakfast in bed, but he would weather the stony silences
and the jeering insults for this, whatever this was.
“I think,” Jaehwan began breathlessly when he pulled apart, “I may be a little
bit in love with you,” He said in almost disbelief. “I know we’re young and
this…whatever this is…is just us being teens and whatever this is, even if this
is just a childish type of love, I think…I think I might love you.”
“Just because we’re still young doesn’t discount anything,” Taekwoon said,
choosing his words carefully.
“You don’t have to say it back or anything, I just wanted to let you know,”
Jaehwan said quickly when he could hear the hesitation in Taekwoon’s voice.
“No, it’s not that because I’m more than fond of you, I think I might be a
little in love with you too,” Taekwoon said quietly, “I just want this to last.
More than anything.”
Jaehwan smiled at the way that Taekwoon said the words so easily, as if it were
the most natural thing to say. “We’re young and we have a future ahead of us
and I think that I would like to spend some kind of future with you.”
“I think I would like that too.”
—
Summer was upon them faster than Jaehwan had anticipated, the slow slog of the
school year speeding by when faced with an ever mounting pile of work and the
constant distraction of his friends. He couldn’t have asked for a more
picturesque last day of school, the ring of the bell dismissing freedom starved
students who flooded the hallways and spilled out into the grassy lawns,
undoing their ties and joyously calling out to their friends. He took his time,
packing his bags, taking his time tidying up the choir room, and strolling
leisurely out to the front.
Hakyeon had already driven Taekwoon and Sanghyuk back to his house to get ready
to leave, giving Jaehwan time to check things over in the choral department
before he left. He still had his duties after all. They had all packed for
their upcoming road trip the night before so all there was left was to enjoy
the traditional beginning of summer picnic at Hakyeon’s house before they
departed.
He felt almost nostalgic as he climbed into his car, the school abandoned by
the students. It had been a whirlwind of a Junior year, he could say that. He
had started the year with only Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, ending with the company of
Taekwoon, Hongbin, and Wonshik. It had taken him longer than the others to warm
up to Hongbin and Wonshik, that was true, but in the end he learned to cherish
them as much as the others had. Despite his blatant disgust at Wonshik’s
general fashion sense and appearance (he had enough after the socks and sandals
incidence), they got along rather well and he appreciated Hongbin’s sharp wit
and tongue, mirroring his.
He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he pulled up to Hakyeon’s house but
it wasn’t Hakyeon throwing a pair of tongs at Taekwoon who dodged it easily,
the unattended meat on the grill flaming angrily as Hongbin and Wonshik laughed
at the scene unfurling with Sanghyuk on hand to capture the entire thing which
was most likely destined for his Snapchat story.
“Your boyfriend is a menace!” Hakyeon cries. “We haven’t even cooked any meat
properly because he eats it right as it’s done! Why does he eat so much?”
Taekwoon couldn’t help his amused smile as Hakyeon looked at Jaehwan
pleadingly, obviously under the impression that he was able to keep Taekwoon
under his control. He was mistaken.
“The running theme so far has been everybody attempting to do as much stupid
shit as they can to land on Sanghyuk’s Snapchat Story and piss off Hakyeon,”
Hongbin said cheerfully, his arms folded across his chest, “I think this is
really setting a positive mood for spending a week in close proximity to each
other with no escape.”
“I’m getting rave reviews on my Snapchat Story already,” Sanghyuk said,
probably scrolling through his messages, “The current consensus is the best
clip was where we ran to the park and I took my pants off. Apparently ‘Han
Sanghyuk’s bony ass is a sight to behold,’”
Jaehwan couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up at the thought of that. Of
course it seemed like a very Sanghyuk thing to do. Part of him wanted to watch
the entirety of his Snapchat Story now and the other half of him didn’t ever
want to see the contents of that.
“You missed a lot,” said Hongbin conversationally, “I didn’t know that Wonshik
would eat so many stupid things on a dare. He legitimately ate a pretty much
raw piece of beef because Hakyeon told him it was medium rare and I dared him
to eat it.”
“He’s a growing child,” Jaehwan shrugged, “I think you were absent but it was
that one day Sanghyuk and I told him we’d buy him lunch if he ate the entire
wad of wasabi even though he can barely handle eating beef jerky because he
thinks it’s too spicy.”
“I can literally hear you guys talking shit about me,” Wonshik protested
loudly.
“That’s never stopped them,” Taekwoon said as he walked over, content to simply
stand near Jaehwan, never being the type to show affection openly in public.
Jaehwan, however, was never a believer in restraining himself when it came to
public affection, pulling Taekwoon over immediately, holding him tight so there
was no chance of escaping and kissing him dramatically on the cheek. “I don’t
get so much as a ‘hello’?”
“You’re disgusting,” Taekwoon dead panned, “You deserve nothing.”
Jaehwan let him go, feigning hurt, “I somehow never feel appreciated.”
Sanghyuk snorted audibly, “I don’t blame him.”
Jaehwan was stopped from responding only by Hakyeon’s announcement that the
beef was finally done grilling. The scent wafted through the air, and it proved
too great of a temptation to the group of teenage boys as they sat expectantly
around the table set up on the stone courtyard amidst the grassy expanse of
Hakyeon’s expansive backyard.
The conversation flowed lightly around the table, laughter interspersed with
the clinking of silverware, the soft chime of lemonade filled glasses as they
enjoyed the summer’s rays away from the confines of classrooms, the thoughts of
essays and exams a world away. They drifted away as the afternoon faded into
the early evening as they readied their bags and made last minute preparations
before they set off for a dubious adventure with a potentially disastrous lack
of parental supervision.
“Oh, Sanghyuk, can you do me a favor and grab my phone from my bedroom?”
Hakyeon said, after checking his pockets, “It should be on my nightstand,”
To general surprise, Sanghyuk went to do so without too much complaining.
Perhaps it was their impending departure that had put him in such good spirits
to listen to even Hakyeon.
The other three went to go load up the luggage into the rented vehicle for the
week, Hakyeon complaining audibly about how much luggage Jaehwan had brought
with him. Really, he thought that was a bit ridiculous, three suitcases barely
fit all of his essentials.
Without the presence of the others, Taekwoon was content to lean against
Jaehwan, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth. “I think we’ll be lucky
if we all manage to survive this entire week without murdering each other,” he
commented softly.
“Hakyeon will probably go first. We’ll probably rise in mutiny and kill him for
nagging us all but alas, we would be left leaderless because he’s the only
responsible one in this group,” Jaehwan sighed.
Taekwoon laughed quietly and they lapsed into comfortable silence for a bit
behind the tall hedges and he knew it would be the last moment like this for
awhile, just the two of them, in a world that could be just their own. “This is
not at all what I imagined this summer would turn out. Or this year,” Taekwoon
said, with something akin to wonder in his voice, “It’s strange, I feel almost
hopeful for some reason, like I have my entire future open to me. I feel…” He
paused and Jaehwan waited, as he always did for Taekwoon to find his words, “I
feel happy. If there could be a moment that I would save in my memory forever,
it would be this,” He said softly.
Jaehwan thought he knew what he meant, there was nothing important or
extraordinary about this happiness. Just the soft glow of the summer sun, the
laughter and companionship of his friends, the warmth and safety he found in
Taekwoon’s arms, and the ever lingering promise of life and something more.
“So are we good then?” Jaehwan asked, looking over at Taekwoon as the fading
light of summer caught in his hair, just so, his face bathed in the warm glow.
Taekwoon smiled gently, his hand finding Jaehwan’s almost automatically, his
thin fingers intertwining with Jaehwan’s, “Yeah, I suppose we are good.”
Jaehwan wanted to lean in and put his hands on Taekwoon’s waist and kiss him
breathless but the moment was quickly ruined by Hakyeon’s shriek of terror from
the other side of the hedges. Legitimate worry made them both hurry out to
investigate the cause of the noise but they only discovered Hakyeon looking up,
aghast at his bedroom window.
“Wonshik are you getting this on Snapchat?” Sanghyuk hollered down from the
second floor. The other scrambled with his phone and focused the camera on
Sanghyuk.
“He wouldn’t actually pee out Hakyeon’s window just for it to be caught on
camera would he?” Hongbin asked weakly.
Jaehwan didn’t have the heart to tell him that yes, Sanghyuk would. In fact,
Sanghyuk rarely needed a good excuse to do anything. His entire life was
extremely out of context.
“I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna pee in the grotto,” Sanghyuk sing-songed, the
devilish light of mischief ablaze in his eyes.
“Sanghyuk, no!” Hakyeon screeched.
It was almost as if it was in slow motion as Sanghyuk peeled his pants off,
unabashedly. Jaehwan was torn between horror and amusement between Hakyeon’s
expression of mingled rage and disgust and Sanghyuk’s rather impressive aiming
skills.
“It’s going on your story,” Wonshik called up as Hakyeon sunk to the ground in
defeat, staring soullessly into the patch of flowers below his bedroom window.
Even though Jaehwan could tell that Taekwoon was trying extremely hard to fight
back his laughter (the fucker always laughed as long as it was at someone
else’s expense), he made a valiant effort to pat Hakyeon consolingly on the
back, in an effort to keep the peace between the two. Sanghyuk thundered down
the stairs and out into the garden again, grabbing his phone to watch the slow
motion replay on display to the public.
“I feel like I’m reliving all of the stress of finals week but condensed,”
Hongbin said sadly.
“The more you hang out with Sanghyuk, the more you get used to it, I promise,”
Jaehwan said solemnly.
Hakyeon looked like he was in a state of constant screaming but internally as
they eventually managed to quiet the chaos and actually get in the car with
Hakyeon at the wheel and Sanghyuk insisting that he sit shotgun because of his
superb navigational skills and musical selection. Jaehwan sat pressed next to
Taekwoon’s side, Hongbin the unintended third wheel as Wonshik had claimed the
entire back row for his own, giving him room to sprawl out and sleep.
They hit the road to the tune of Hakyeon and Sanghyuk bickering, the sounds of
Wonshik snoring in the back already, and Hongbin chiming in unhelpfully to the
conflict in the front row, fanning the flames. Taekwoon moved to take out his
earphones to try and drown out the noise but Jaehwan stopped him, plugging in
his own phone to the car’s stereo system.
“You’re such a show off, Jaehwan, just because you can sing doesn’t mean you
should take literally every opportunity to do so,” Sanghyuk complained loudly.
Jaehwan shushed him. “It is not my fault that you simply lack talent,” He said,
pressing play. His voice filled the car, effortlessly gliding up and down the
scales. It was rare for Taekwoon to sing in front of others and it was a mark
of how much he had opened up to these people that he joined in, carefully
harmonizing to Jaehwan’s parts, the song familiar to the both of them.
There was magic in the power of music that couldn’t be explained. Even if it
was in Wonshik’s off tune and loud singing at the chorus, Hongbin’s shy singing
under his breath, or Hakyeon and Sanghyuk taking the rap verse for themselves,
it was something that brought them together with a shared voice, easy
camaraderie and boundless laughter.
Nothing was perfect but Jaehwan thought that this was as perfect as things
could get. He had one more certain year with his best friends, the same friends
who shared a kindled and fragile hope for a bright future that yawned ahead of
them as they drove just over speed limit down an open freeway, the light of
sunset peeking out over the edges of cities. They would have their quarrels and
disagreements but they would also have late nights and shared drinks and a
surplus of spare jokes. Jaehwan would come back the next school year to the
same jeers and jabs as last year and yet, he would still have Taekwoon beside
him, and perhaps that’s all he really needed.
Yes, Jaehwan thought, his head resting on Taekwoon’s shoulder, the other
humming a soft tune, they were good.
End Notes
     Sometimes I remember all the shit that happened in High School and
     honest to God all of these shenanigans happened in real life. This
     was the product of too much time, an abundance of fanfiction tropes
     and a lot of bad decisions and pacing issues. If you read this the
     whole way through, I am so sorry
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