Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8744248.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage, Major_Character_Death, Rape/
      Non-Con
  Fandom:
      Supernatural_RPF
  Relationship:
      Jared_Padalecki/Other(s), Jensen_Ackles/Other(s)
  Character:
      Chad_Michael_Murray, Jared_Padalecki, Jensen_Ackles, Sandra_McCoy,
      Original_Female_Character(s), Katie_Cassidy, Christian_Kane
  Additional Tags:
      Romance, Torture, Angst, Horror, Alternate_Universe, Drama, Established
      Relationship, Abuse, Hurt/Comfort
  Collections:
      Sinful_Desire
  Stats:
      Published: 2009-10-14 Chapters: 2/2 Words: 3432
****** Lips Like Morphine ******
by PadAcklesInfatuated [archived by sinfuldesire_archivist]
Summary
     Jared Padalecki wants nothing but to get rid of the self pity and
     hatred. Jensen Ackles just wants to finally be accepted by someone.
     Suicide and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)? Will they go hand-
     in-hand and find solace within each other or be the mere destruction?
Notes
     Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally
     archived at Sinful-Desire.org. To preserve the archive, we began
     importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in
     November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted
     announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or
     know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on
     Sinful_Desire_collection_profile.
     Author's notes: This is a dark fic. There are some happy times but
     mostly its just sad and depressing. Includes some painful flashbacks.
***** Cause None of Us Are Angels *****

Author's notes: First chapter, always interesting. Talks about whats going on
in Jensen's mind.
===============================================================================
The door to the medicine cabinet opened with a start. Jensen grabbed for the
anti-depressants after waking from memories he really rather not think about.
He was sweating in his boxers, on a chilly, fall night. Hands trembling
violently he tried opening the bottle of what would drift him to dreamless
sleep. "Dammit." The bottle cap just didn't want to oblige to the fact of being
opened. He struggled and after a good 5-10 minutes finally got the tiny bottle
to open. A sort of relief flood through him as he took 2 pills and wobbled to
the kitchen. Ever after about 20 pills you'd think the person could walk
properly, but no. It was a slow, unstable, hunched walk. A walk that clearly
showed the person was on his defense and constantly reminded of the ridicule
and unworthiness. It's the walk Jensen had become accustomed too. And that too
for a while now.
 
He opened his fridge door and took out the nice, cool water jug. As soon as his
hand encircled the jug handle a relieved look washed over his face; cold water
always soothed him. He set it slowly on the counter top as he pulled a glass
out of the cupboard and set it down. Maybe he should call Rennie and tell her
what happened? No, he'd just be bothering her. He'd already done enough of
that. With feeble hands he lifted the pills up to his mouth and swallowed,
following with water.
 
As soon as the pills washed down a sort of relaxation came over Jensen. He
tilted his head back and closed his eyes, leaning against the counter so he
didn't tumble. He never was able to explain what the drugs did for him but he
knew he helped him forget. For the moment at least. And that, that was good
enough. Even if the nightmares were at bay for minutes, even seconds, it was
worth it. How he wished everything that happened back then never came true. He
wished he didn't have to make his closest friends leave their further schooling
because of his insecurities. What he would do just so they all could go back to
that. What he'd do just to be held in the arms of his family.
 
This time with love, not disgust.
 
What he'd do to make everything go back to normal. He sighed raggedly as the
phone ringing brought him back to life. He shuffled over to it and picked it
up, "Hello?" God, he hated how his voice sounded barely above a whisper and
weakened over the years. "Hey Jensen, how are you?" Jensen's sadness vanished
for a few moments as he heard the person’s voice that was there for him through
everything. Serenity Fate. Yeah, she had a very unique and different name that
matched her personality perfectly. "F-fine, you?" he hadn't meant to stutter.
She caught on to the slightest of actions. It was like she didn't even try.
 
"Jensen? Baby, are you ok?" Jensen could hear the evident panic in her voice.
Great, she thought he was having a nightmare and probably going through some
shock. In a matter of minutes she'd probably bust through the door. His hands
started to shake a bit from the haunting memory that followed. His voice
cracked when he spoke, "Yeah, I'm fine." Jensen didn't hear Rennie's voice for
a bit and knew she was probably quickly dressing in whatever she found before
answering, "I'll be there in 5." With that she closed the phone. Jensen sighed
again, followed by a small cough. She didn't need to come here at 3 in the
morning. She should be sleeping like any normal person and waking up normally.
Not abnormally, like him. She really didn't need to do this for him, yet she
did.
 
Jensen trailed into his living room as he idly sat down and stared into space.
Memories invaded his mind, and this time he wasn't able to let them just, go
away.
 
Jensen limped his way down the darkened streets of Richardson, Texas after
another beating. The kids at school said he deserved it because he was a
“little fag excuse of a man”. Their words hurt like hell but Jensen had long
since learned to drown them out. How he wished he wasn’t walking late at night
though. That was when they were out anyways.
 
Hot, wet tears streaked down his face as he furiously tried to wipe them away.
He hated that his own family was disgusted by the very thought of him. He hated
how he was deserted by his so called “friends” because of his sexuality. Yes,
Jensen Ackles was gay and so far proud. But now he didn’t know anymore.
Everyone drilled it in that no one liked someone like him. Some words just cut
deep down. Especially, when his own father called him them. He knew he was a
disgrace. He didn’t need to be told twice. Once was more then enough. The only
person who truly seemed to not care was Serenity; which is where he was
currently going.
 
Before he could even ring the doorbell it flung open. There stood Rennie in a
t-shirt and shorts with a sad and concerned face, “God Jensen, what did they do
now.” He stumbled in as she caught him just before he fell to the floor. Her
eyes bugged out at the numerous knife cuts and bruises he had received. She was
revolted by these bastards that called themselves “human”. No one should have
to take such a severe beating.
 
She helped him inside and upstairs. His jeans were all cut up and bloody as was
his ripped shirt. His hair had dirt and blood clinging to and off it. Tear
tracks were evident on his usual handsome face. She ran out and came back with
the first aid kit, “I swear, I’ll kill them for this.” She now also had tears
adorning her face. Before she fixed him up—or as much as she could—she worked
his jeans and shirt off. She threw them in a heap as Jensen now stood there
only in his boxers. Her eyes narrowed at the scatter of bruises around his
stomach and chest. She trailed light fingers over them but when she felt a
wince she quickly retracted it. “Why me Rennie?”
 
Jensen constantly asked himself this. Why did he have to go through all this,
when all the “straight” and “normal” people were worshipped? And always he
never got an answer. “Because, their stupid assholes who think their better
then everyone else.” She wiped away the dirt and blood from his face. First she
used alcohol for the cuts and then water to give it a cleaner look. “You wanna
shower?” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she got a look at his back
bruises as fresh tears leaked through her eyes. Jensen nodded. When she got up
to leave he grabbed her wrist, “Please don’t leave me.” Her eyes widened as she
grabbed him in a hug. He buried his face in her neck and she felt his body
wreck of sobs. Serenity closed her own eyes as her tears fell on his hair.
 
She sniffled as she got him up and to the washroom, “I’ll wait here.” She
turned around as he stripped and got in the shower and just sat on the toilet.
So many things hit Jensen at the moment. If he ever got away from this he
didn’t know if he’d ever be ok again. It’s one thing when people say you’re a
failure and to never contact them, it’s different when your own family does.
 
He shut the water off and opened the shower curtain. Serenity didn’t react as
most girls would after seeing Jensen wet and naked. She smiled feebly and
handed him a towels to wrap around himself. She supported him out as they
walked back to her room so he could change. She kept a small supply of his
clothing in case he ever had to come to her house. He dried off and got into
the clothes. Jensen saw Serenity go to lie on the sofa to give him extra room
but pulled her besides him. She smiled, wrapping one of her arms around him,
while the other stroked his hair to lull him to sleep.
 
Jensen woke when he heard the doorbell ring. He half slide half tripped to the
door opening it to a worried Rennie who flung herself at him, “God Jensen! Are
you alright honey! I’m here ok! We’ll just lie down till you sleep ok, I am in
no hurry.” She was constantly looking at him to see any damages done, none.
Jensen had rather grown into quite the attractive man. Pine green eyes, plum,
pouty lips, high defined cheekbones and a killer smile, when he smiled.
 
She took off her jacket and her shoes. Jensen cringed slightly at the sight.
She was in such a hurry she wore shorts and a tank. God, she must be freezing.
And it was his fault. “Really Rennie, y-you didn’t have to c-come.” He
stuttered, closing the door, tripping in the process. He balanced himself to
come face-to-face with Serenity’s annoyed face, “Jensen, you know I’d be here
even if you didn’t need me.” She smiled giving him a big, warm hug. He
responded back as he clutched onto her as though he’d break.
 
A worried expression crossed her as she stroked through his hair, giving him a
small kiss on the cheek, “What’s wrong?” Her voice was now barely above a
whisper. Jensen told her what he dreamt. He broke down during the middle, so,
she snuggled up to him, rocking him back and forth as he kept telling her what
happened. Jensen hated being so weak and that something so small got him so
hyped. He hated knowing that he worried the people around him over minor
issues. He wished he was strong like before. He wished he was able to face his
problems head on. He wished so much only to be gained with nothing.
 
“God Rennie, you probably think I’m a sad excuse for a man. I just, I just
can’t get anything out of my mind. Everything just keeps falling apart.” Rennie
held him tighter as she wiped away the tears and kissed his forehead, “Jensen
don’t you ever say that again. You aren’t weak; you’ve just been through hell.
All you need is love and support. Something you should have been receiving from
a while ago. No ones perfect Jensen” She spat the middle part and he cringed.
She got him to lie down again as she wrapped herself around him as she played
with his hair, trying to get him to go into a dreamless, painless sleep.
 
Jensen owed her so much. He wanted to break through all this. So badly, no one
could even imagine. He wanted to be the supporter not the one being supported.
He wished so deeply that he could really just go back to sleep, but sometimes,
nothing helped him. God, wherever you are, please help me.
***** Now, now Darling, Oh don't Kill Yourself *****

Author's notes: Second part already, I'm surprised! So, this is Jared's story
and his thoughts. I have a weird kink for graphic torture when it comes to his
case.
===============================================================================
Slow, tortured, music played through the speakers. There was an assortment of
different knives and razors laid out in front of him. Jared sat in a huddled
corner in his one bedroom, crap ass apartment. His fingers were shaking for the
aching touch of metal against cold, lifeless skin. That's how he felt; cold and
lifeless. Like a vampire. If there was such a thing.
 
Since he can remember the only thing drilled into him was that he was
worthless. He wasn't good for anything besides sex. No one would love him
because he was a gay freak. Yes, the truth at first hit him like cold knives,
but then, they were just words.
 
Sweat was pooling near his brow. It was freezing outside and his apartment
didn't have the best heating, yet here he sat, ice cold. He sighed in and then
reached for the smallest of the knives first. He always started with smallest.
As soon as he felt the metal touch near his wrists, a small anxiety hit him.
Would today be the day? Would it be the day he finally had the guts to finish
what he was contemplating to do since he was a teen?
 
When the knife made a small cut, and only a trickle of blood ran out he knew
the answer; no. Today was not the day. He sighed just watching the blood swim
across his arm and then dripping down. He debated whether going for a deeper
cut but eventually settled on the second biggest, razor this time. He wanted to
end this session quicker.
 
He took the razor and made a painful yet satisfying cut right near a vein. His
teeth clenched as he hissed in pain mixed with his own sick pleasure. The blood
this time was much more and it seeped through his cut, staining the wooden
floor and crimson. He bit his lip and rushed for the next, dropping the knife
in the blood, watching some splatter on his clothing.
 
He took the largest of them and settled for his other arm. I twisted smile
broke across his face as he took the razor and without thinking just cut
through. He really should of been used to it but then when the blade left his
arm an odd sort of excruciating pain shot through him. He cried out slightly as
blood poured out of his wound. He grabbed his arm and doubled over, falling
slowly on the ground. His legs were on one side as his upper body was twisted
in a uncomfortable position.
 
His breathe became rasp as he took large amounts. The blood now was stained on
most of his shirt and pants. His vision became blurry and he thought, he
finally did it! He finally gathered the strength to throw him out of this
hateful and miserable world. It was never nice to him, not once. He just hoped
that someone wouldn't com-.
 
"Jared! I brought some Mexxxicana home since the Chinese restaurant closed," a
chuckle was heard, "Doesn't matter to us right? We'll eat anything! Pigs for
life!" Then there was a full break out of laughter. Oh know, he completely
forgot that Jane was spending the night at his house! Jane Eve; one of the few
people he lived for. Then he heard the cringe worthy sound of a choked gasp and
stuff falling to the ground.
 
"Jared! Jared!! JARED! Oh my god! Dammit! What the hell! I thought we talked
about this!" she was hunched over to his side as she tried helping him up. Her
eyes widened immensely as she saw how much blood he lost. She grabbed a hold of
his shoulder and brought him to a sitting half slouching position. Her face
softened at his expression. His skin was deathly pale, eyes bloodshot, red and
puffy, beautiful, puppy-dog face stained with tears and memories and those
gorgeous hazel eyes. God, how she wished she could bring laughter back into
them.
 
Jared was the epitome of the living dead. Her face now flushed with tears as
she tried to smooth out his hair, "C'mon, let's go sit." She tried supporting
as much weight as she could of his. She at last got him to the couch but not
without a couple of stumbles and near crashes into the wall. All the time all
you could hear was the drip, drip of Jared's precious blood. She seated him in
front of a table and rushed to get a needle and thread. He needed stitches.
 
Jared started t drift in and out of conscious. His neck barely supporting his
head. He was having to take large amounts of air just to stay up. God, how he
wished he could just go to sleep. He wanted to just lie down and never wake up.
But, he made himself and a couple other people a promise and to hell with it if
he'd go back on it.
 
Jane rushed back and nearly dropped the materials. "Jared! Jared, baby? Please
stay up, god please stay up." Her voice was desperate as she hurriedly tried
putting the thread through the hole and failing. She muttered incoherent words
but finally got it through. "This may sting." But Jared was ready. I mean, it
wasn't like this was the first time this happened.
 
When the needle went in the first time Jared's face relaxed and his breathe
came out more calm. Jane frowned at this but he couldn't blame her. Most people
would run away as soon as they found out about Jared's psychological issues.
And sometimes, he wished they just would. Jared was lost in thought he didn't
notice when Jane was running an alcohol patch over the cuts; all stitched and
better. She took his hand in hers and gently rubbed it, "Jared, Jared please,
please stop. I hate seeing you like this, it's completely killing me. What
happened, it isn't worth you killing yourself over! Your life is worth so much
more, you have no idea. Your an amazing guy Jared, you really are, people just
don't take the time to see it." she caressed his face as Jared instinctively
leaned into it.
 
Jane smiled before she stroked his cheek, "Lets get you cleaned up, eat and
then head in, k?" Jared's eyes were closed due to the amount of warmth, love
and comfort. And when he opened his eyes, Jane was happy to see some life
return; even if it was minimal. They both got up, her now not having to support
him as much and trudged into his room. She helped him out of his clothes. Now
unless Jared was absolutely on the brink of falling apart would he call someone
in with him to help him. At the moment he just wanted to be left alone.
 
He saw Jane curl up in the bed with a book. He locked the door and faced
himself in the mirror. God, what was wrong with him? Why was he like this? Why
couldn't he take Jane's advice and just snap out of it? Why couldn't he just
let the past slip away and let him start fresh? The memories haunted him at
night and he hated waking up in a sweat. He hated how he had hyperventilated at
even the slightest of personal touch. He'd jump and completely embarrass
himself.
 
He turned the shower on and stepped in. Many things haunted him. Mostly the
fact that people really did seem to take a liking to him but due to his
problem, he'd shy away or just cut them out. He wouldn't give them a proper
reason and just bail. He really wanted to start over again. He wanted a fresh
start. A new life. He just wanted to forget was the main point. He wanted to
stop the self infliction of pain, the hatred and the pity. He sighed as he
quickly cleaned up and walked out in a towel.
 
Not to his surprise, his old clothes were away and a new pair of boxers, cotton
pants and a wife beater were were set on his bed. He gave a small, half smile
and changed into them. Eating went by quietly and before he knew it, Jane was
settled beside him. "Hey, how about we go out tomorrow. You know, call Chad and
Sandy up and head down to a bar or something. Maybe go out and eat?" she looked
tentatively at Jared, in case of any sudden outbursts or shaking; none. He just
laid with his arm behind his head—which she was not recommend—staring at the
ceiling. "Jared?" Still nothing. She sometimes wondered if Jared ever listened
to some of her thoughts. She gave him a small, barely noticeable shake and his
head snapped looking at her with wide, lost eyes. "Want to go out with Chad and
Sandy tomorrow? Eat? Bar?" Jared's lost face finally registered into it and he
calmed. He shrugged but nodded a bit after it.
 
Jane smiled as Jared's head came and laid across her chest as she lulled him to
sleep. Jared's thoughts went to tomorrow and what events he'd run from then.
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