Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3938446.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage, Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence
  Category:
      Gen, M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Tokyo_Ghoul
  Relationship:
      Kaneki_Ken/Kaneki_Ken, Sasaki_Haise/Tsukiyama_Shuu, Kaneki_Ken/Nagachika
      Hideyoshi, Kaneki_Ken/Nagachika_Hideyoshi/Kaneki_Ken
  Character:
      Kaneki_Ken, Sasaki_Haise, Arima_Kishou, Nagachika_Hideyoshi, Tsukiyama
      Shuu
  Additional Tags:
      everybody_is_human_AU, Twincest, Sibling_Incest, selfcest, M/M/M, Torture
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-05-14 Updated: 2016-04-03 Chapters: 4/? Words: 30674
****** Like Jigsaws ******
by motoroilfreeway
Summary
     Haise had always thought about the what-ifs.
      
     (or an au where ghouls don't exist and Haise has little brothers
     named Ken and Kaneki)
Notes
     kind of a collab thing with Res_CVX but its mostly her idea but I
     ended up writing this bit *cough* because I had too much ideas fuck
     me
     before I almost forgot PLEASE READ:
     Kaneki = shironeki
     Ken = kuroneki
     they're twins in this au, and are 3 years younger than Haise, if that
     ain't obvious enough, heh
      
     WARNING: UNBETA'ed
     EDIT: now featuring draws! pics are made by me unless credits are
     stated in the notes :)
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Jigsaw *****
i.

      20th of December, it was a cold, cold night. The snow was thick and it
was giving drivers a hard time to drive. They need to wait for the roads to be
plowed before they can resume to their daily routine, which was already ruined
by the snow. Tokyo is a busy city, after all. A second wasted is a time too
many.

It doesn’t help the fact that despite the thick snow covering almost everything
in white, snow is still falling from the sky.
In a hospital, somewhere in Tokyo, twins were born.
They were quite small, but it does not mean they were not healthy. It just so
happens that their mother made sure she would not eat too much meals with high
levels of carbohydrates so her children won’t grow too big in her and give her
a hard time during labor. She had a hard time giving birth with her first born,
so what was the chance of her having a harder time with two? Plenty. She just
wanted to be careful. She doesn’t want to have orphaned children. Haise is only
three years old and he cannot lose a mother right after losing his father in
the same year.
Same goes with the little ones.
She was thankful when she heard the doctors say she wouldn’t need a ceasarian.
She could make it through the normal method, but still, it took a lot of her
energy, pushing and pushing, grunting and screaming in between because her body
wasn’t really up to bearing children, even. But she tried.
She was panting and in the brink of passing out right after they managed to
carefully pull the last infant and hear the doctor say aloud, “another boy!”
But she didn’t. She wanted to see them as soon as possible.
Her children. The only memories of her late husband has left her.
She wanted to cherish them all. All three of them, since they are all she has
left now.
 
     Arima-kun, a neighbour, who was only seventeen, just came home from school
when he saw Mrs. Sasaki grunting in pain, blood flowing down her legs as she
tried to compose and be calm whilst pressing her head against the wall next to
her apartment door. He was the one who helped the woman walk to the elevator,
give instructions to focus on breathing and staying calm and bring her to the
nearest hospital, with her three-year old in Arima-kun the highschooler’s one
arm.
He was also inside the emergency room, held Mrs. Sasaki’s hand like how a
husband would, since there was no one else available but him, and she really
needed the support. Arima-kun took her crushing grip with a cooled expression
and never forgot to remind her to breathe and provide encouragements when he
deems it fit.
Arima-kun was currently in one of the seats in the waiting area, playing games
with Mrs. Sasaki’s three year old when one of the nurses who saw him inside the
ER with Mrs. Sasaki called him over to see the children.
To be honest, he has no idea why they wanted him to see them. He’s not a
relative after all and he just stayed at the hospital despite his duties as the
concerned neighbour is over because Mrs. Sasaki has no one to ask to look after
her son for the time being.
He goes to the nursery anyway, with the toddler in his arms. He supposes the
toddler has the right the see the twins and so hitches the boy higher to get a
better look from the glass window.
“Say hello to you little brothers,” he murmurs. Doubts the boy heard him, but
he supposes he doesn’t really need to tell him who the babies are when he feels
the boy in his arms tense and lean closer into the glass, hands finding their
way to lie flat against the surface at the sides of the toddler’s face. Hears
him make giddy noises and coo.
Arima stands by the window of the nursery section for a couple of minutes
longer than he previously intended.
 
 
ii.
     Sasaki Ken and Sasaki Kaneki at age three were inseparable.
There was not a time you will not find the one without the other. They hated
being away from each other’s company for too long that they would cry and won’t
stop calling the other.
One time their mother tried to make them grow out the habit and placed them in
separate cribs located on opposite corners of the room, only to come home and
see the cribs pushed together, courtesy of her eldest son. Haise loves his
little brothers so much and couldn’t bear the sad look on their faces or the
way they would wail so loud he fears the twins would lose their voices so he
pushed their cribs together, to wipe those sad, miserable looks. He wanted them
to be happy, even if it would mean disobeying his mother’s words, whose words
Haise had always considered as law in the Sasaki household.
 
Mrs. Sasaki lightly reprimanded her eldest son, who since apologized sincerely,
was easily forgiven. She tried separating the twins again, everytime before she
leaves for work, returning home from work, and tucking them to sleep at nights.
No matter what she did though, she would always return without fail, in one way
or another at the sight of her twins together, in peace in the presence of each
other.
If it wasn’t Haise it would be Arima-kun, their next door neighbour, who is not
actually a highschooler but still seventeen on the day he found her in pain and
at the brink of giving birth right outside her apartment. Turns  out the boy is
some sort of a child prodigy, finished criminology with the highest awards at
the age of twelve and was immediately assigned to covert operations a year
after. The Tokyo Police Department’s pride.
Arima-kun too, at age seventeen, a few weeks after the twin’s birth came over
with a crib for a present. Reasoning it would be too cramped if the twins would
share a crib, despite their size. He had learned that children, babies
especially, grow faster than older children and it won’t be long, he assures,
that they would start crying because it was too cramped in their small crib.
But that doesn’t seem like a problem three years later, was it, when it was
Arima-kun himself who takes the initiative to place the twins together in one
crib. None of the two complained and instead looked happier and livelier, he
reasons Mrs. Sasaki whenever he gets scolded when the woman comes home  to her
twins still joined at the hip. She’s trying to separate them after all. She
thinks it would be bad if the two grew dependent on each other, what if they’ll
have a hard time making friends---
Arima-kun, now twenty years old, stops Mrs. Sasaki mid-sentence but immediately
apologizes at his rudeness as he explains,
“We can’t really do anything at the moment if the twins wanted no one but each
other into their own worlds. Mrs. Sasaki, they are still young, it is only
normal, in my opinion, for their worlds to be small and only allow entrance to
someone they treat the closest to them. They are twins, which means they have
been together since the day they were created in your womb, I think it is only
natural they would find solace in each other’s presence. Please, let us give
them more time to grow and broaden their worlds on their own. Either way, I
don’t think they would be as lonely as you think they would be if they do grow
having no friends.”
Arima-kun’s speech took Mrs. Sasaki by surprise. For the last three years since
Arima-kun has started dropping by for a short peek at the children that quickly
escalated to Arima-kun taking over babysitting duties on his day-offs or free
times, she had never actually heard the boy---now man---speak his opinions
aloud. He never actually seemed to care for anything else, from what she
observed. Arima-kun, she presumed, was the type to go along with whatever
people say, as long as it does not directly affect him or cause trouble with
his daily routine.
Getting out of his own way to talk about her children’s well-being was---
Well, she’s actually speechless.
But she thinks it was sweet of him, such kind boy who cannot express his
feelings properly. He really cares about her children does he? Ken, Kaneki, and
Haise too.
It seems that Arima-kun has understood her children far better than she did,
but she’s not angry, no. Actually she felt more assured since she had to raise
three children all on her own plus provide allowance for her poor sister
struggling with finances in her own home, she is almost always not there for
her growing kids.
It was assuring to know that despite her absence, there was someone they could
look for support. For someone who would understand them and help them in their
times of great  needs.
It was important for parents to be present in the first few years of their
children’s growth, to strengthen the bond between parent and child and for the
parents to learn to understand and get to know what kind of people their
children are going to grow into. She is aware she missed those years with the
twins, and had less with the eldest.
It saddens her, knowing that she had to choose work to keep her children well-
fed and her sister too, but if she wants them to live in a better home, then
she had no choice now, does she.
Next time, and the days that followed, she stopped separating the twins and
listened to Arima-kun’s words.
She’ll just have to believe in her children to find the right people to give
access to their small, but still growing worlds.
 
iii.
        Ken and Kaneki at eight years old is still as close as they were born.
Inseparable even in school that classmates and teachers have a hard time
knowing who is who and soon gave up and started referring to both of them as
“the twins” as if they were not two but one person. It was easier that way if
they won’t budge if tried to be separated. Even in assigning them to sections,
teachers put their names together in the same class, just to avoid further
problems, and really, they don’t even know which of them is Ken and Kaneki
anymore.
Usually, twins, are still distinct because they act and dress differently from
each other, despite carrying the identical facial features of the other. Most
stereotypes say they have clashing personalities---sporty and nerdy, friendly
and shy, the list goes on---but not with these two, oh no.
From the hair to the shoes they wear, it was like a person was placed next to a
life-size mirror. Even the personalities and mannerisms were the same, it was
almost scary.
Even their classmates think so too.
They were so quiet, never stands out in classes but honor students,
nonetheless.
When it was known in their class and year that they do well in academics---too
well, actually---they became easy targets of bullies.
Their books would go missing, same goes with their shoes in their lockers that
would be soon found in garbage cans and they would occasionally get vandalisms
in their desks.
They never fought back nor made their experience be known though, so it
continued, for a while, until their bullies who remained faceless and unknown
grew tired of the same boring reaction they see and left them alone eventually.
The bullies, still faceless and anonymous, had wondered, how come the twin’s
big brother, who was a sixth grader by the time they finally gave up tormenting
the sasaki siblings, has never done anything to get his brothers out of this
 predicament?
Maybe he doesn’t care about them?
Hm, maybe. The eldest Sasaki is by far, the normal child of the family. The
twins were freaks, obviously. Not just because they look and dress alike, which
is of course, supposed to be normal for twins and they do not really have a
choice when it comes to clothes because of the school’s dress code, but you get
the point. The twins act like they were the same person. They could literally
kill the other and pretend they were the twin they killed and they bet their
mother and brother could never tell the difference.
The eldest Sasaki though, he is perfect. A prodigy, the teachers would say.
He’s great at literally everything, and they said he was supposed to be
accelerated to three levels three years ago but refused for reasons unknown to
the students but the teachers.
If Sasaki Haise accepted the offer though, that would mean he would already be
a middle school senior by now.
No one knows why he wasted such opportunity, but those admirers, usually
students in Sasaki Haise’s year, spread rumors that his freak brothers
threatened him not to skip three grades. They said the twins doesn’t like
competition and if Haise is getting accelerated, that would basically mean he
won, doesn’t it?
Oh yeah, that was why they attacked the twins. Made their lives for the next
three years miserable and before they know it, they are already sixth graders,
about to move to middle school, with Haise, the poor, oppressed brother.
 
      Those bullies were wrong, of course.
Haise was the first-born, so he had assumed his brothers would be loved the
most.
Oh how wrong he is
When his adviser sent his home a letter asking for his mother or guardian to
come to school for a talk, he was happy to hear that it was because he excels
so much, too much in his classes that the teachers had all agreed to give him a
test. So that was that test was about…
The results say that his level of learning is higher than his classmates by
three years and they highly recommended that he should be moved to a higher
grade as soon as possible. They cannot waste this opportunity after all.
Of course Haise was glad too.
His mother was busy with work and it cannot let her take a leave for a day to
appoint a meeting with his advisor so Arima-san took a leave from work and went
in his mother’s place.
Haise had been to Arima-san’s workplace countless times. When he learned to
commute on his own, he sneaks into the headquarters, his little brothers
holding tight on each of his hands. The people in there were so nice, they give
them biscuits and bitter coffee, which they all enjoyed to drink, despite the
bitterness because it was a grown up drink. They want to be like the grown-ups
in Arima-san’s workplace.
They used to frequently stay at the headquarters after school until their
mother drops by to pick them up or to Arima-san to escort them home, after
bringing them all three to a snack house not too far away from the
headquarters.
So in their stay they hear stories from Arima-san’s co-workers about Arima-
san’s greatness.
He’s a child prodigy, they told them. Graduated when he was twelve and got
assigned to covert operations when he was thirteen.
“Covert?” Haise asks.
“What’s that?” Followed by the twins.
Shinohara-san, a big man who is known for his skills in the field as a
formidable foe but was nothing but no more than a gentle giant to the small
children, looked away and scratched his cheeks in deep thought before replying
with a smile on his face, “It means he’s like a spy.”
The twins made a sound of pure admiration, eyes glowing as images of Arima-san
doing spy things like how characters in their books does. Arima-san in dark,
tight clothes, hiding in the shadows of skyscrapers, talking to a small device
installed conveniently in his spectacles as he watches his targets from afar,
but sees them clear as day because his lenses were optimized to zoom and
capture the scene like a normal camera.
Haise was as amazed as his little brothers, of course, but not the way they
were. He did imagine Arima-san doing the same things he was doing in the twin’s
imagination, but the twins did nothing but that: imagine. They imagined and
admired. Haise felt different. He imagined, admired, and dreamed.
He imagined Arima-san doing covert operations and admired the man for the
incredible things he would’ve done while in the field: profiling criminals,
analysing suspects, investigating scene of the crimes, interrogating witnesses
and people directly involved in the crime with the pretense of an ordinary
nosey by-stander, catching criminals, and saving people. The more he imagined
and admired, the more the image of Arima-san doing these things slowly blurred
and cleared again as an older version of himself doing the things he initially
imagined Arima-san to be doing.
He dreamed.
That was why when Arima-san went out of his way to meet with Haise’s adviser
for a talk about his academic performance; he was both glad and anxious.
Glad because of all people, it would Arima-san who would be able to hear the
words come of out his adviser’s mouth. How good Haise had been in class, how
he’s so participative, he’s a natural, he’s so good that it seems like he needs
to be moved to a higher level. Three levels, we suggest your boy to skip---
Haise had known Arima-san for as long as he can remember. He had always been a
constant in his memories growing up, has seen him as his role model, even way
before he dreamed to become a police officer like him. He wanted Arima-san to
acknowledge him.
But it seems like he doesn’t need to.
Because—
Arima-san nods along to whatever else his adviser babbles about and instead of
giving the other his decision (about his future?), Arima-san tilts his head
towards Haise, then he asks him, “Do you want to be moved to a higher grade,
Haise? Your classmates would become at least three years older than you. It
also means you’ll get to graduate elementary school earlier than normal. Would
you like that?”
---Arima-san already did.
For a minute Haise was silent, undecisive.
For a first-grader like Haise, who thinks he was nothing more than an average
child, things like doing well in academics for the sake of getting good grades
and better admissions to better schools never truly crossed his mind. He
doesn’t understand what merits he would get if he were to be accelerated and
given the opportunity to graduate from school earlier. He’s a child, whose
biggest problems as of yet was whether he should buy that toy with the rest of
his allowance or not.
It shouldn’t be much of a deal if he said yes, since it feels like nothing
harmful would happen if he said yes or no anyway. Acceleration seems like the
better choice between the two, and he bet his Mom would be happy to hear the
news when she gets home from work later.
Then Arima-san’s words echo in his head.
It also means you’ll get to graduate elementary school earlier than normal.
It would be three more years before his little brothers would start elementary
school. He had been looking forward to the day he’ll walk with them to school
and walk with them on the way home, maybe even make it a routine to drop by
that ice-cream shop he likes so much.
He’ll save up his allowance so he can buy them popsicles that the twins would
surely enjoy to split in half and be shared between them.
Kaneki and Ken liked sharing everything to each other after all.
If Haise gets moved three levels then that would mean crashing those dreams he
longed for.
He doesn’t want that.
So he told Arima-san, the person he looked up to, the person he wanted to
impress that very day,
“I don’t want to.”
Haise loves his little brothers and if no one would love his brothers, then he
would. He would love them as much as how those people in school loved him, and
then he would love them more, until it surpassed the love Haise gets from
everyone else.
Haise loves his little brothers, and so he throws away that something he didn’t
know at that time the one thing that would help him the most in the future.
It wouldn’t matter though if it wasn’t to be spent with his little brothers, so
maybe it was truly worth the sacrifice.
Or is it?
 
iv.
        Mom doesn’t want her children to become orphans.
So she was very careful and took precautions during the months she was carrying
Ken and Kaneki. She knows her body cannot handle pregnancy, but she still
pushed for it, because she wanted to keep her children, no matter what.
When the twins were born, she did everything in her power to give the three of
them a good place to live-in, books to read, clothes to wear, and food to eat.
She worked so hard for them—them three and their Aunt too, because she cannot
work and is (still is) suffering financially and needs help.
Mom has always valued family above all else, and their Aunt is also Mom’s
family, so she cannot really choose who to keep and who to let go. So she
worked hard, to keep them all to herself, no matter what.
She worked and worked, until they noticed that she barely slept on her bed and
barely touched her food before going off to work again.
Day and night, this is her routine.
They tried to ask her to take a break, she’s been working really hard, and they
doubt her boss won’t let her take at least a week-off----
But no, she tells them. Its okay, she assures her children.
She’s really okay, just tired.
Just tired.
She died because of fatigue. Over-working herself. For the three of them, plus
their Aunt.
Just tired.
 
        Ken and Kaneki and Haise too became orphans that day and onwards. Their
mother worked herself to death so she wouldn’t lose them, only to lose herself
and leave her three snivelling children to become orphans.
The verdict: they will be under their Aunt’s custody from now on.
Ken and Kaneki were obviously reluctant, always held on to Haise’s shirt who
was thirteen at that time.
Haise wasn’t reluctant, not in the least but he was also against the decision.
He couldn’t bear to look at the face of the woman who basically killed their
mother. It was this woman’s fault why his brothers started closing themselves
off of him and refused to talk to anyone else but themselves. It was this
woman’s fault why the three of them has lost their mother.
This woman is a murderer.
Arima-san is a police officer, so why can’t they ask him for help, ask him to
catch this woman for committing such a heinous crime? The twins asked Haise
once, when Haise found the twins hiding in a closet at their old home---old,
because they no longer live in here, they are supposed to live with their Aunt
from now on---a big, bulky hardbound book resting on one of their thighs, a
flashlight on, for better lighting because the closet is dark, it is hard to
read.
Haise at thirteen has already lost the kind of innocence his younger brothers
seem to still have, and it hurts him to know it would be him who would take
that away from them, but he thinks that it has to be done, so that once that
wound heals, they will become stronger and it would protect from harsher things
to come.
The world is cruel, Haise knows. He experienced it first-hand after all.
He knows he wouldn’t be able to protect his brothers from the cruelness of the
world, and so he strives to find a way to provide them protection, to keep them
safe wherever they are that he cannot reach.
He enters the closet that is now too small for three growing children. The
twins knows this, but still wriggled around inside and snuggled closer to each
other, to give their older brother a space to sit on with them.
Haise enters, squeezes himself between the twins, which the twins paid no mind
at all. The closet door was closed again and the only light they use to see
each other in the dark was through the flashlight Kaneki held in his hands, now
pointing upwards, at the closet’s ceiling, allowing it to scatter light and see
everything inside better, if not clearly.
Haise holds them both, wraps his arms around them and presses his mouth to
their brows, kissing them.
Haise takes a deep breath to steel himself, then says as he exhales, “That’s
not how justice works, though.”
Haise’s hold on the twin tightens when he feels them squirm in his arms, trying
to reposition themselves to look up at their big brother and meet gazes with
him. He explains further.
“We know she killed Mom, but everyone doesn’t see it like that. She made Mom
overwork herself to death but to everyone else, no one saw her making Mom do
it. Everyone thinks Mom did this to herself.”
“But we know that she didn’t---“
“A word of three children against a bunch of adults won’t be enough to get that
woman in jail. That’s just how it works in this world.” Haise grumbles.
The twins were silent for a moment, just staring at their brother whose arms
are starting to tighten around them painfully but they paid it no mind. It just
means that their brother is as upset about their situation as they are.
Ken and Kaneki’s gazes meet each other a second and gives each other a look of
understanding, before answering their brother, voices in perfect
synchronization one would think this was practiced, but was not, as they say,
“this world is wrong.”
Haise blinks, then sniffs and nods. He holds them tighter against him, as if
that would serve enough to protect his brothers from bad things that is the
world.
“It is.” He replies afterwards.
Mom is gone, which means the three of them were left to fend for themselves
from now on. Haise makes it his responsibility to protect his brothers.
The three of them ended up locked in the closet for hours until Arima-san came
and found them, asleep and wrapped in each other’s arms, stuck in their little
world that is the closet.
 
v.
        When Arima-san found them, he had a hard time separating the three. The
twins refused to let go of each of Haise’s hands, screaming when touched.
Arima was wincing and after one try, he let it be.
The ride in Arima’s car was deadly silent, so different from the usual noise he
hears whenever all three were in his car. Usually there would be silent murmurs
between the twins, Haise silently sitting by the window but occasionally talks
to Arima about small things like what they ate for lunch in school or what a
co-worker told them when they were staying in the headquarters.
This time, it was so different.
The twins were separated for once, Arima thinks as he sneaks in a glance
through the rear view mirror. The twins were on either side of their older
brother, hold on Haise’s hand firm and tight. It doesn’t seem to bother the
elder at all and instead kept his eyes on the road, back stiff.
Arima inhales.
 
        There were noises of obvious surprise when the children realize that
the nameplate on the apartment door does not say their Aunt’s last name but
instead it was Arima-san’s.
Before they got to ask though, Arima-san was already ushering them in. They
release their holds on each other and do as they were told.
They watch Arima-san closely as he takes off his shoes. When they receive a
look afterwards, they all scurry off to take off theirs and place it as neat as
they could near Arima-san’s.
The first thing Arima-san does was not take off his coat but instead walk
straight towards the kitchen, where the three follow like new born ducklings
attached to the first person they see upon hatching.
They all sit on the counter, which was quite big for someone who lives alone
(and was barely home).
Arima-san takes out a paper (when did he get that?) and shows it to them.
It was a legal document.
The first thing that came into their minds was why would an adult want children
to read something as complicated as official papers. They read it anyway, the
paper in Haise’s hold while the twins hover.
The terms are all too technical, they barely understand a single sentence, but
they were able to make out “custody” in it. A lawyer’s name and signatures,
witnesses (is this an investigation report?), their Aunt, and Arima-san.
It takes a long time before any one of them perked up and timidly asked Arima-
san what any of these words mean.
Arima-san actually looked surprised that they did not understand a thing. But
it was normal, they were children, one barely into middle school and the two
still in elementary. They couldn’t understand any of these, they explain.
Arima-san understood (did he really? They doubt it, he has always been like
this, after all), nods, and simply says, “You three will start living with me
from now on.”
 
vi.
        Living with Arima-san wasn’t any different from their usual routine
when their mother was alive. Arima-san was barely home, spending most of his
time in the headquarters, where he practically lives in.
Their mother is always away from her night and day jobs, and spend her free
time working on another part-time job or actually resting so the boys are
accustomed to have each other for company in the big, spacious house.
It seems that Arima-san has moved to a bigger house to accommodate all four of
them. Since they are growing boys, Arima-san’s co-workers advised he provide
them their own separate rooms. They never had a room of their own before, so
this was truly a surprise.
They were all excited of course, but the twins chose to sleep together on the
same bed nonetheless.
Neither Arima-san nor Haise mentioned anything about it.
 
      A few years later and the twins enter middle school. Their brother has
finally decided to be accelerated. He’s now on his first year, studying for his
degree in Criminology. His dreams to become an investigator becoming more and
more accessible everyday, but that is not the only reason why he had finally
accepted the offers.
Haise wants to graduate early, to become an adult as soon as possible. He
doesn’t want to burden Arima any longer.
He also wants to take care of his little brothers on his own.
The twins think that Haise is already doing that, taking care of them. Has he
not ever since they were little?
But Haise thinks whatever he had done for them wasn’t enough. Never was.
So they let him be, if that was what would make him happy and feel
accomplished.
Though they still think Haise should stop and just do things for himself. They
don’t need Haise to hold their hand everytime they walk anymore. They’re twelve
now. They can take care of themselves. They can walk without tripping on their
own two feet anymore.
 
      Arima is well-known in his crowd as the Wünderkind, the child prodigy.
He is also well-known outside his crowd, by those involved in businesses he is
investigating on. They know him because he hunt their kind down and burn their
businesses to the ground.
They fear him, they hate him.
Those who hated him got a whiff of the news that Arima had taken strays home
with him.
Three little boys, the oldest being 15 and the youngest 12. What’s best is that
there are two of ‘em.
The younger the better, wasn’t it?
Maybe after this, Arima will cool down from his hunting streak for a while and
they can come out and play some more.
 
      The twins were walking home after school when suddenly a vehicle sped
towards them before skidding into a stop, the wheels hot and squealing against
the graphite. There was no time for the kids to run because of shock, same goes
with the by-standers, as they stand still and watch how faceless men came
busting out of the doors and grab the struggling children. They were thrown
inside the car, doors slamming shut and the car skids away.
None of the witnesses are able to describe the vehicle other than its black and
expensive-looking. No plate numbers were found either.
Haise was in the verge of screaming at the police station, at the verge of
hitting and beating the current witness who seems like this interview was the
least important thing that matters. Children were kidnapped---
“Haise!”
All activity in the police headquarters stops, as everyone focuses on the new
comer.
It was Ken.
 
       Haise thought his heart jumped out of his throat upon sighting one of
his missing brothers.
They all run to him, Haise getting to his brother first. Entrapping him into a
tight hug, tears started flowing freely from his eyes now. Seeing his brother
safe and unhurt evaporates the heavy feeling lodged in his chest. He kisses the
top of that black hair and starts looking around, eyes teary.
When he finds nothing, he looks down at Ken who has been trembling, sniffling
and crying ever since he had stepped inside the headquarters, Haise asks,
“Where’s Kaneki?”
Ken and Kaneki are quiet little boys, very meek and soft-spoken. Hearing Ken
wail loudly that it reverberates throughout the entire headquarters was
unsettling.
The heavy feeling in Haise’s chest came back like a stab of a lance.
 
       The moment the boys hit the soft material of the car’s seat, Kaneki was
quick to act.
He held on to his twin as soon as he was able, and observed that the doors of
the car have their knobs intact, unlike in crime books he and Ken had read.
When he notice their captor lower their guard, he jumped at them, aimed at his
head, teeth clamping onto an ear. The captor screams and the people in the
front seats of the car looks behind them in alarm, the one seating next to the
driver had their hands immediately on his head, pulling hard.
He looks at Ken as he struggles, sees the other cowering on a corner and he
shouts.
“Open the door and run! I’ll be right behind you!”
It was a lie of course, since they had a firm grip on his hair, the other on
his arm. It’s impossible to escape from this unless he rip his arm off as well
as a part of his scalp, maybe.
Ken believed him though, and shakily, he pulled at the lever, the car door
opening and by the time they grab him off of a captor’s ear, Ken has already
fled.
They cuss and the person whose ear he had almost bitten off backhands him
across the face.
It was alright, Ken is safe, and that is all that matters.
He couldn’t recall anything anymore about the ride as he had lost
consciousness.
 
      It was ten days later when rescue came.
Though it wasn’t really a rescue when it was the kidnappers who had decided to
send him back, is it?
Initially he should blame Arima for whatever had happened to him, but he
didn’t.
It wasn’t Arima’s fault, Kaneki assures them.
Haise was contradicted, because yes, he had respected the man since they were
little, and to hear that all this would’ve not happened if
Arima did not take them in…
He’s not sure he if he wants Ken to see his twin like this.
From the looks of it, Kaneki shares the same sentiments.
But Ken has the right to know, and---
Kaneki watches passively as his brother violently brings both hands to his
face, rubbing it up and down and he sighs in frustration. Unshed tears
threatening to fall.
Tears flowed like opened dams when he sees how his little brother flinched
visibly at the mere hold of his hands.
What had they done to deserve this?
 
vii.
         It is no longer hard to discern who is who after the kidnapping.
A week later, they had deemed Kaneki fit enough to go back to school.
A lot of things had changed in him, and it wasn’t only the school who noticed
this.
Aside from his appearance, which was according to the specialists were due to
the trauma the boy has experienced, he had become emotionally distant.
No one knows what the kidnappers had actually done to the other Sasaki but the
physical and mental exams gave them a hint.
The signs were there.
Ken had read the signs in the books he and his twin had read, and he had always
found them fascinating. Seeing them on his twin brought a different feeling in
him though.
He felt sick.
They no longer sleep on the same bed, and for the first time the moment they
started living under Arima’s roof, they slept on separate rooms.
Kaneki did return to them, but to Ken, it felt like he never did.
 
       They still walk together to the school and home. Sit together in the
same table during lunch and breaks, but they don’t sit or walk as close as
before.
Kaneki flinches at the smallest of contact. He always looked like his mind is
somewhere, and it probably was because whenever Ken talks to him he never looks
his way to indicate that he is listening, he even asks Ken if he could repeat
it again. He looked apologetic, but his voice is hollow and lacks life it
usually carries.
It scares him, but it hurts him more to know how his brother had changed so
much in only a span of 10 days.
He knows that the kidnapping incident is still haunting Kaneki. He can see the
deep bags under his eyes grow heavier and darker everyday. Whatever it was, it
was so horrible that it keeps him up at night.
He wanted to ask him, beg him to please tell him. Didn’t they always tell each
others’ secrets? Why can’t Kaneki let him in on this one too?
No one else needs to know, just him. He won’t tell anyone.
He just wanted to close this distance between them that seems to grow everyday.
 
      Kaneki refused to talk about it.
Everytime Ken tried to breach the subject, he gets ignored, or the subject
changes into something else, Kaneki acting as if he never heard him ask at all.
Ken knows this very well. Changing topics and pretending to not hear any of it.
Kaneki must think that if he keeps it up Ken will give up.
Well, he won’t.
But Kaneki wanted him to.
When Kaneki finally realized Ken would never budge, he took further actions
that actually broke Ken’s heart.
If back then they used to walk together, eat lunch together and hang out during
breaks, now, they even stopped doing that.
Kaneki made it his duty to get up early and help Haise in preparing their
meals, then leave the house three hours earlier than usual, which was around
the time Ken was still in bed, sleeping.
Kaneki also got involved with afterschool activities now, something the old him
would never do, for like how Hide had worded it, the twins have this condition
where their bodies stiffen up and whither when exposed to big groups.
It seems like whatever it was that had happened to Kaneki has toughen him up,
Hide jokingly told him when he had addressed the issue to the other one time,
saddened when Kaneki has refused to walk with him home for the first time, for
he had afterschool activities to do.
Hide had seen the scene unfold, saw how Kaneki had unbelievingly crushed his
twin with words.
Hide was undeniably mad, because he thinks Kaneki went too far, but he thinks
he understands, in a way, why Kaneki did what he had done.
If he were in the other’s shoes then he wouldn’t doubt that he would do the
same things.
So instead of walking towards the two and hitting the other, he jumps at Ken,
surprising him to the point his screams sounded like he’s being murdered. There
was satisfaction there when he felt Kaneki run towards them but stop when he
sees what it was all about.
Hide told Ken that he thinks his legs need more exercise, so would he mind if
he walk Kaneki home? He lives on the opposite direction, so if he walk Kaneki
home, that means he’s going to walk thrice as far, that’s gonna do his legs
good!
Kaneki wasn’t satisfied with the offer, but it raised his spirits a little.
Hide decided to take joy in the small things.
 
viii.
        Time passes and it had been 6 months since Kaneki has started putting
distance between them.
At this point Ken could say he is used to it.
But he couldn’t deny how much it still hurt as much as the first day he had
realized that this is it. They had officially fallen out.
He started to think if maybe pushing his brother to speak about his experience
was worth all this if it costs their bond.
But if he didn’t, then what is the point of their bond? They’re together but
are they really if they couldn’t connect properly? How can you connect with
someone you barely know? Is he even still the Kaneki he knew and loved?
He had always told himself that he is used to the coldness his brother makes
him feel. The absence of the warm body next to him in bed makes him cry
sometimes, and he wants it to stop to be honest but the tears just wouldn’t
listen to him, no matter how loudly he begs it to please stop flowing. You
can’t cry, please.
He ended up sleeping with his pillow pressed to his face from muffling the
noises, another pressed tightly to himself, pretending it’s warm and breathing.
The fact that it wasn’t makes it harder for his tears to stop, and he hates
himself for his weakness when he calls for Kaneki, his voice and sobs muffled
by the pillow. If he gets too loud Haise might hear and come in his room. He
can’t afford to have their big brother to worry about something like this. He’s
busy studying for his exams.
Usually when he is sad he wakes Kaneki and they talk about it. But what if his
distress is because he doesn’t have Kaneki to confide to anymore? That Kaneki
has probably also no one to confide his feelings to too?
Oh, but Kaneki seems like he had made friends. Lots of them it seems, that he
doesn’t have time to spend with Ken anymore. The fact that he doesn’t have time
to read books with him is a proof of that.
Kaneki doesn’t need him like Ken does anymore.
 
       The bullying did not really stop after they finished elementary.
When the seniors graduated, the underclassmen made it their duty to continue
their seniors’ legacy of terrorizing the twins.
The seniors took the reason to the bullying with them when they graduated
elementary, but the children a year or so below them hurt them anyway because
that’s what the older kids did and the idolize the older kids so what else
would make them feel more like their senior but this?
When Kaneki was kidnapped, the beatings had gotten worse. The taunts got to
him, and it ate him on the inside.
Why must it be him who got away? What if he never see Kaneki again? Then that
would mean that those children were right, Kaneki died for a wimp like him. He
died a useless death.
Hide would see him walk out of the gates dirty and in tears, and he wouldn’t
say a word behind the reason of how he got his injuries or why he’s in tears.
Same situation at home, whenever Haise is present and sees him dirty and still
in tears and he walks in, he only cries louder whenever Haise holds his
shoulders and gently ask him what was wrong? The worry in his face breaks his
heart, and he hugs him, taking in the welcoming warmth.
Haise started crying too when he heard him say once, in the middle of his
crying as he hugs Haise, “I want my brother back.”
 
       So from dejection and sadness it becomes guilt and regret.
Ken stopped mulling over things like why would his brother distance himself
from him like that and such.
Ken had truly accepted the change, and thought that he deserved this isolation.
He deserved the sadness and inwardly hoped that it was him who had the courage
to distract their captor and it was Kaneki who managed to run away.
A nobody like him doesn’t deserve to be the survivor.
 
        “Faggot.”
He flinches when one of his attackers spat on his face.
He was on the ground, writhing in pain. He gasps when he feels a shoed foot
make contact with his belly.
It hurts.
“Oh look, he’s drooling, gross,” they snicker.
“Careful, I heard he’s contagious. That’s why his twin unlatched from him, you
know. Even he got disgusted with him.” One of them tells the current attacker.
They laugh, then another kick that makes him turn on his stomach to vomit
whatever it is he had in his stomach, which was nothing but stomach acid. There
was fear when he sees his saliva on the ground mixed with red, then he actually
screams when they didn’t stop the assault and kicked him on the side.
He’s on his back now and he gets a clear view of their faces. All smiling, no
hint of guilt or regret. Just amusement.
“Hey, hey, is that true? You got a thing for your twin right? And he found out
so he started avoiding you  like the plaque? Hey, say something!”
At the lack of response, one them holds his head up, hands tightly latching on
a patch of black hair. It hurts so much, tears started flowing down his face,
causing dirt to smear and worsen his swollen face.
He had no idea where the accusations come from, he thinks they’re so cruel, but
in a way they’re right.
His brother did started avoiding him like the plaque.
Maybe that was it.
It wasn’t because Kaneki doesn’t want to talk about his experience, it wasn’t
about his resistance to confide to his twin but because of anger. Hatred.
Ten days of suffering because it was Ken who got to run away and survive
instead of him when he was the one who got the idea of distracting the captors
when Ken did nothing but cower.
He deserved this, he repeats to himself, openly crying now. The jeers of his
attackers were unheard as he continued to hate himself for the painful things
Kaneki had endured because of him.
Kaneki appeared to be happy and doing well in the times he see him with his new
friends, smiling and conversing. It hurts to see the other happy with someone
else but what mattered is that Kaneki is happy.
If being away from him makes Kaneki happy, then so be it.
He wished Kaneki could see him now, battered and crying, and pathetic. The
sight would make his twin feel better, he bet. He’s getting his well-deserved
punishment.
“Teacher! There they are! Hey! I saw your faces!” A shout not too far from
their location.
“Shit! Run!”
He was thrown into the ground and it hurts. He couldn’t will himself to move or
open an eye, his entire body is sore.
Footsteps fade and return, this one stopping above his head.
He hears a familiar sound, “Oh, Ken,”
A hand holds him up, gently this time but he still winces because the gentle
contact hurt nonetheless.
“Come on, I’ll get you home.”
“Please don’t tell them.”
He hears Hide inhale deep, thinking if it was the best decision.
“Okay,” He breathes out then lets out a weak, shaky laugh. “But it’s sort of
too late.”
He opens an eye, painful as it is, just to see what Hide meant by that.
Ken forgot there were two pairs of footsteps that approached. At the sight of
Kaneki looking at him with eyes that betray no emotion, he started sobbing
again.
The sting in his gut at every sob could not compete with the pain he’s feeling
in his chest.
His self-hatred grows.
 
 
 
 
***** Falling *****
Chapter Summary
     A prelude of sorts
Chapter Notes
     okay, okay, I said before that this is a one-shot, and I'm not really
     lying because that's the plan but it seems like I gave birth to a
     monster and now I'm dying
     It seems like this fic has a long way to go cuz I kid you not this is
     covering barely half of the story
     Warnings for graphic mentions of rape and torture at part ix.
     anyway, the usual:
     WARNING: UNBETA'ed
See the end of the chapter for more notes
ix.
           Kaneki cannot believe it has only been 10 days.
Every second felt like hours, and when they said they’re tired of him and
they’re planning to throw him out, he actually thought they were just trying to
dangle false hope at his face. They enjoy seeing him crumble after all.
They made him to do things to himself, because that’s more fun than them doing
it themselves. Adds to the thrill, they say.
If he says no, well, they can always come back for his twin.
“So you will do it after all! And to think you made it hard for us at first,
you fuckin’ tease!”
There’s no other word to describe it: they fucked him raw.
His mouth, his anus, sometimes two people will fuck his hole at the same time,
muffling his screams of pain with a hard, thick cock on his mouth. A threat if
he bites them.
The first time he was double penetrated, he bit the cock in his mouth. He rate
of how cocks go from hard to soft in seconds was amazing, but he didn’t really
had much time to marvel at the human anatomy when he was instantly punched, his
nose broke and bleeding and hands darted to his face, holding his head in
place, one of them entering him from the front, hands holding his knees to keep
it open wide, some on his torso, but mostly on his head, his mouth forced open.
He tried to keep his mouth closed when he sees one of them come close, pliers
in one hand.
He bit them, and they didn’t like it so they’re gonna get rid of whatever it is
that clamped their cock.
He firmly kept his lips closed, but they threatened to rip if off of him, and
the hand on his cheeks pressed hard, his mouth opening involuntarily. “Good
boy,”
The plier was already gripping on a tooth when he was suddenly shoved upwards,
the other person’s thrust dragging his body up. The one with the pliers said,
“Hey, could you wait? If the kid won’t stop moving I’ll never get finished with
this,”
And so the teeth-pulling began.
            After a while they got bored of fucking him so they tied him to a
chair, because he must be getting tired of all the fucking too, right?
“Hey, answer when we’re talking to you.” A slap, “What, getting lonely?”
The implications scare him.
“Yes,” he says, voice too raspy, they fucked his face so much, he doubts he
still has gag reflex. They put too many things in his anus too, things he
cannot bear to say without wanting to scratch his skin off.
If only he could scratch at all.
They already plucked all his fingernails because they don’t like getting
scratched during fucking.
He’s got a nice face, and if he behaves then they won’t come back for his
lookalike, no matter how merrier it would be if they got to play with another
one.
Those ten whole days, they did nothing but hurt him.
Pulled his fingernails, his hair, his teeth, almost gouged his eyes out, and at
some point twisted and bent his fingers. Days later when they think it’s
starting to heal, they reset the bones and proceed to beat him for screaming in
pain during the process. How ungrateful was he, they’re helping him!
On his first day, they were quite active in torturing him, but as days pass,
everything started getting milder. Cruel, but milder.
They would just run the sharp ends of their blades across his skin, lightly
skin his fingers and mess with his healing wounds, spit at the infection and
ejaculate on it, but the amusement they used to express strongly was mostly
gone.
On the tenth day, one of them loses it. Shouts and says they’re bored.
Turns out they’re supposed to keep him here for twenty more days, but what’s
the point of the twenty more days if they already ran out of ideas?
So they tell Kaneki, “Kid, we’re bored. We’re dumping you.”
“Don’t miss us too much though, we’re not sure we’re gonna come back and get
you again. But hey, feel free to find us. We’ll be more than happy to play
again.”
They snicker.
Kaneki begged for death.
           
That was how ten days later, Haise found him sitting in one of the
interrogation rooms in the headquarters, wrapped in a thick coat one of the
investigators gave him when they see him stumble into the entrance, naked as
the day he was born. They tore his clothes to the point it is no longer
wearable, they didn’t bother to find him anything to at least provide the boy
some decency. What’s so decent about him now, anyway?
Haise was the first to arrive, who ran out in the middle of his class when he
found out that they finally found his missing brother.
The look Haise gave him will be forever etched in his memory.
 
            Every inhale, every exhale, the longer Haise remained silent
brought Kaneki more on edge.
He unconsciously started cracking his knuckles, each pop calming and bringing
comfort to his joints. It brings normalcy, the control he has over himself is
still here.
But then Haise looks at the source of the noise, eyes opening underneath his
palms to see his fingers; bloody and lacking fingernails.
There was a pause.
Kaneki thought that the time he had spent in that hell hole would mean
something as small as a touch would no longer bother him, but he was wrong.
Horribly so.
Unlatching Haise’s hold on his own face to hold Kaneki’s hands in his, he
flinches involuntarily at the contact.
Too much things had been associated with the gesture and none of them are nice.
His repulsion to touch was noticed by the older brother, and Kaneki had to
endure minutes that felt like decades of his brother crying, sobbing,
apologising. His hands had long let go of his, and instead are hovering over
him, as if longing to hug him, hold him tight and make him feel secured and
protected, but no matter how strong they long, they cannot afford the risk.
Holding the younger close to him would only do the opposite, and knowing that
breaks his heart more.
When Kaneki finally speaks, for the first time since he was brought into the
interrogation room, he told Haise, “It wasn’t you fault.”
He expected his brother to calm down, but when had any of his plans ever went
according to his favour?
Haise’s tears did not stop, and instead he choked out, “Ken.”
There was a long pause before Kaneki brings his hands close to his chest,
squeezing. His face remained impassive, but the way he clutches at his hands on
his chest told Haise otherwise.
It hurt Haise to not see any trace of the Kaneki he knew ten days ago. The look
in his eyes were hard like steel and his voice, it was deeper and sounded far
away.
“He doesn’t need to hear anything about this.”
It was not a request, but Haise reluctantly nodded his approval anyway.
 
 
x.
            Everything is supposed to go back to normal.
Then again, Kaneki is broken. Damaged. What is normal about that?
But they tried. The three of them tried. Out of the three of them, Kaneki tried
the hardest.
It was painful enough to see Haise look at him with those eyes filled with pity
and self-hatred. Haise pushed himself harder because of what happened to his
brothers. He couldn’t bear the thought that one day, he might experience the
same thing again. Anxiously sitting in a police station, biting his nails as
they wait because that’s all he could do. He’s powerless.
Kaneki doesn’t want to be powerless either.
And so he tried, struggling every time just to get back to that normalcy he and
his brothers used to live in before this tragedy.
Like how they always did after one tragedy to the next.
It seems like the three of them are born under an unlucky star after all.
Their father died not too long after their mother got pregnant with him and
Ken. It was snowing hard the day they were born, and if it wasn’t for Arima-
san, who knows what could’ve happened to their mother and her still-borns.
Not too long after that, after their father, their mother soon followed. Their
selfish Aunt murdered her.
As if that wasn’t enough, outside their household, people had been mean to them
too. It seems like he and Ken had simply been dragging Haise into this series
of unfortunate events that befall upon them.
It’s like he and Ken being together brings nothing but bad luck.
To get to Arima-san, these people tried to kidnap him and Ken. They wanted
leverage from the man they despised the most.
It did not only hurt Kaneki, but also Ken and Haise indirectly. Arima felt
responsible for all that happened, but since Kaneki never truly had a good look
at their faces since it was so dark, they couldn’t trace them.
Arima-san had too many enemies to be able to narrow it down.
It was painful for his brothers knowing that their brother would never get the
justice he deserved, but to Kaneki, it never mattered to him anymore.
Those days he spent in that dark place, suffering and crying and screaming.
Trembling in his metal chair as they inflict horrible things upon him, it
opened his eyes.
The world is cruel, it always had been. Its just that he grew up sheltered,
protected underneath his brother’s wings and when he was snatched away
underneath his protection, he experienced pain.
The wounds cut him deep, not just physically, but it healed. Somewhat.
They healed and they became scars. These scars became his reminder that no
matter how bright today is, the world will always be dark and merciless. You’ll
never know when the darkness would descend and snatch you underneath the sun.
He was naïve once. Never again.
 
 
xi.
                    Normalcy.
He failed at that one, horribly.
Ken’s persistency cannot be deterred, and its chipping on Kaneki’s patience.
Ever since he got back, he started expressing his pain through violence. He
always had the itch to lash out at someone whenever he gets an episode. The
specialists didn’t help much, the stress balls or the ice didn’t help his urge
to crush someone’s head between his hands.
He doesn’t want to open up, you see. But Ken is persistent.
He wouldn’t stop asking him about it.
His fingernails, his disfigured fingers, his scars, his hair. Ken wants to know
every single detail of how they all came to be.
Kaneki doesn’t want to go back to the past and remember. He doesn’t want Ken to
know. He doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t want----
---breathe.
He doesn’t want Ken to know.
He, he can’t.
If Ken finds out, Kaneki…
He doesn’t think he’ll be able to mend himself back after that.
                   
                    Touka is a schoolmate.
She’s a year below them, kind of like a tomboy, but no one has the guts to tell
her that unless you want to be beaten up. Like Kaneki, she also has a twin
brother. His name is Ayato.
He met her one time when he refused Ken for the first time to walk home with
him with some absurd excuse like cleaning duty, when obviously the teacher
would never assign one of them to the cleaning duty without the other as a
partner.
It was an obvious lie, but Ken took it anyway.
The fact that Ken easily let him go poked at his insecurity, but if he didn’t
do this, then it would be harder for him not to break down in front of the
other and cry, tell him everything. How broken he is, how disgusting he has
become, how those men had fucking defiled him---
“Hey, you. Senpai with the old man hair.”
He was in the middle of taking out the trash when someone called him out.
It was a student. He doesn’t recognise her from their batch so she’s probably
in a different level. From the looks of it, she’s an underclassman.
“Boss wants to have a word with you.” She said before walking off, leaving
Kaneki wide-eyed and confused.
Noticing Kaneki not moving from his spot, she stops and looks back, clearly
annoyed.
“I said Boss wants to have a word with you. How can you talk to him by just
standing there? Follow me!” and she walks away again, steps faster as she
mumbles “are all upperclassmen supposed to be this stupid?”
There was curiosity, so Kaneki followed without question at that time. His
instincts weren’t shouting caution, so he went.
 
                    This Boss Touka---that’s her name, he finally finds out---
turns out to be Mr. Yoshimura, the school’s guidance councilor.
When he sees the door of the office, he felt anxious. He knows what this would
mean for him.
He doesn’t want to talk.
He felt like bolting away as soon as possible, but a tight grip on his arm
sealed his execution.
Sweat appeared on the back of his neck like bullets.
Touka pulled him inside, not bothering to knock and instead throws the door
open. The urge to wince once the knob hits the wall was strong, but he didn’t
succumb to the weakness. Showing weakness would make him vulnerable to attacks.
“Oh, Kaneki-kun,” Mr. Yoshimura said, upon glancing on who the intruder might
be. He didn’t even flinch at the door slamming open, which would mean he is
either used to it or is expecting his arrival.
He cannot tell from the look on his face.
“Please have a seat,” He gestures at the chair next to his desk.
Touka lets got of his arm and proceeds to do as instructed, plopping down
ungracefully on the seat opposite the one Mr. Yoshimura was pointing at. Her
hands are crossed over her chest, a deep scowl on her face as her visible eye
eyes him. As if they’re judging him on how he’s going to take the invitation.
With stiff legs, he forces himself to walk across the room and sit on the
chair, his feet had gotten limp once the back of his thighs hit the chair and
he collapses on the seat, his hands folded between his legs. He hopes none of
them noticed.
He refused to meet those smiling eyes with his and so stared at the tiles on
the floor. The white tiles warp and they become checkered: black and white,
alternating. They spread throughout the room and the room becomes too big, too
spacious. He’s alone, in his metal chair---
The sound of paper being flipped reels him back to reality.
He looks and sees a club application form. It says book club.
Under the club adviser, Mr. Yoshimura’s named was signed.
He finally looks up to meet Mr. Yoshimura’s smiling eyes.
“We need are still open for one more member. I heard you were quite the reader.
I think we would need someone like you in our club, don’t you think?”
“…what?” Was all he could say at that moment.
 
                    The book club or what the members all call it, Anteiku.
The members were all fucked up, that’s the only way to describe it.
Touka has a twin brother named Ayato. Or had, since apparently the boy had ran
away from home not too long ago. Hasn’t returned since. The twins are basically
orphaned, their parents involved in some sort of a gang and getting killed
because of it. Both by the police. Rumors say that the Kirishimas’ mother was
killed by Arima-san during an encounter. Everything went out of control at that
time, its not easily to have no casualty during raids such as those. Kaneki
chose to be quiet about it.
Their father never came back, but speculations said that “they” must’ve finally
gotten to him.
Ayato is the younger one, and the repulsive of the two. The abandonment hurt
him and so he developed hate for the man they call father. Called him a coward,
which caused the twins to drift away because of clashing opinions. Ayato ran
away after an uncle they didn’t know existed appeared and claimed custody.
Touka is currently living with him now.
Touka’s uncle is a man named Yomo. Huge and indifferent. Intimidating. Not the
talkative type.
Touka once introduced the man to him, and the next thing he knows he has been
joining the uncle and niece in their martial arts training. Yomo-san says it’s
the best way to release stress.
Kaneki thinks he sounds like he’s talking from experience.
Experience or not though, Yomo-san is right.
Sparring with the uncle and niece after school helps him loosen up, but the
strain between him and Ken has only gotten worse. He couldn’t do anything about
it but keep his distance more.
 
                    It’s called the book club, but they don’t even read any
books at all. Kaneki is starting to understand why they all refer to it as
Anteiku instead, or so he thinks.
They usually hang out by the field after school, just sitting and talking.
Nishio-senpai, another member usually uses this time to lie and sleep.
Sometimes Touka puts animal feces next to the sleeping senior, calling him
Shitty Nishiki, because of his strange fixation on feces. “Tastes like
horseshit.” “That’s sounds like a load of shit,” and so on.
This usually ends in squabbles and shouting, but at least it doesn’t go that
far.
There are alumnis, Irimi and Koma who drops by every now and then.
They all have come from something that’s hard to deal with. None of them talks
about it, but they can see it by the way they talk, the way they move. Always
in the defensive, always on guard. None of them has shown any signs of
vulnerability, as if afraid to be attacked.
Nonetheless, Anteiku felt like it was the safest place to be in. To let go and
be yourself.
It brought Kaneki peace, and so every day, he started attending their supposed
after school club activities, where they basically just lie and roll around in
the grass, talking about mundane things.
Turns out that Nishio-senpai is actually attending school on scholarship, but
since this is a public school, he’s spending his tuition money on his basic
needs. At age 15, he has been living on his own. He’s pretty smart, the top of
his class, so sometimes Kaneki approaches the cranky senior for questions about
a topic he couldn’t grasp. He had always admitted aloud how he hates Touka, but
there was never a time he did not get up from where he lie to pull out a
notebook and call Touka to sit next to him and teach her good studying
techniques to pass a test or two. He’s nicer than he claims himself to be.
Kaneki wonders what it is that Nishio-senpai is hiding like the rest of them.
But he doesn’t dare ask, because that would be rude.
 
                    “Hey, Bakaneki, we won’t have an after school today.”
Touka came over to his classroom to tell him. It was loud that everyone in
class definitely heard. Ken included.
That would mean his excuse to attend to an afterschool club activity will be no
good.
He had no choice but to face Ken and walk with him home that day.
 
                    “Um, Ka..neki…”
Kaneki flinches.
They were walking together on their way home, when Ken called him. It was
strange, hearing Ken talk like that to him. Shy and soft-spoken. Ken has always
been the most comfortable in his presence. Ken was never shy to speak aloud to
him.
They hadn’t been talking much ever since that day Kaneki made it his duty stay
away from the other as much as he can. Its only natural Ken would forget how to
act in his presence.
How long has it been since they have last talked? He doesn’t remember.
He turns his head towards him, letting the other know that he’s listening.
“Yesterday, Hide brought me to the bookstore.”
Kaneki remembers how either of them couldn’t go to public places without
company. Kaneki had long since grown out of the habit out of necessity, so that
he can live out of his dependence on his twin. He has to.
Ken seems like he still hasn’t. It was nice of Hide to accompany him in his
place.
There’s a sting in his chest thinking about the implications.
But he brought this upon himself. He wanted this.
So he ignores the stabbing feeling in his chest and continues to look at his
brother, silently asking to continue.
“I saw Takatsuki Sen’s new book…”
Kaneki patiently waits for him to finish and nodded his head, urging the other
to continue.
“…would you want to read it with me when we get home?”
The look on Ken’s face says he had been expecting Kaneki to gladly agree.
There was hesitance at first, but he kicked it down and replied, “Oh, sorry, I
don’t like her books anymore.”
Kaneki hoped the lie did not show in his voice. He refused to look at Ken’s
face again throughout the walk home.
Ken’s pace had gotten faster by the time they got home, not sparing his brother
a glance as he heads to his room and clicks the door locked.
Kaneki did it.
He doesn’t feel accomplished at all.
 
xii.
                    He was on his way to Anteiku’s usual hangout after school
when he hears Hide shout not too far away.
“Teacher! There they are! Hey! I saw your faces!”
There is no teacher, Hide is bluffing. It’s strange of Hide to do something as
risky as that unless its involving him in some way, so Kaneki follows where the
other is running to.
He was walking at first, then he hears Hide’s whisper, mentioning his brother’s
name.
He sprints.
 
                    It hurt.
That’s all he could describe it. It hurt.
Ken was lying on the ground, clothes rumpled and dirty with dirt and blood.
Kaneki’s sprints slowed to a halt not too far away from the scene.
Hide was already helping Ken up, Ken was wincing all the way. Ken is badly
hurt.
How could he fucking forget about the bullies.
He told himself he’s protecting his brother, but it seemed like it only did the
opposite. Just like how Haise did with them.
When will they ever learn?
He’s so selfish.
The thought of leaving Ken weak and vulnerable never crossed his mind.
Of course the bullying won’t stop. It would never.
Kaneki started hanging out with Anteiku and that leaves Ken alone and more
vulnerable than before.
The bullies never went this far before.
They never hurt them physically before.
There are too many thoughts that were running in his head as he stares his
brother down.
He hears Ken wheeze out, “Please don’t tell them.”
This pain is familiar.
Except now its tearing his heart apart.
Why wouldn’t Ken let them know?
Ken, he shouldn’t keep something like this to himself. He should let them know.
He should let him know.
Why won’t he---
“Okay, but it’s sort of too late,” Hide’s eyes meet his. They’re not soft and
bright but hard and blazing hot. They felt like his looks could kill him.
Kaneki thought that Hide has the right to kill him there and then.
He was disappointed when all Hide did was hold Ken when the other started
sobbing and fall on his knees.
 
                    Haise will be home late.
The only people in the house will be Kaneki and Ken. It was Hide who helped Ken
walk home with them. Once inside, he made Ken sit on his bed to get the first-
aid kit and shoved it to Kaneki’s chest.
“Fix this.” He told him before leaving the house.
They both know what Hide truly meant.
He doesn’t know how to mend broken things though.
How can someone broken fix something as broken as they are?
Hide had too much faith in him.
 
                    When he enters the room, Ken wasn’t looking at him. It was
more like because he was zoning out rather than avoiding his gaze. He doesn’t
seem to notice he entered the room, even.
That was why he jumped when he felt the mattress dip when Kaneki sat next to
him, the first aid kit in his lap held protectively by his arms.
“Ken,” Another flinch, but he turns his head to look at him. He shakily smiles,
scratching his chin.
“O-oh, thank you.” His hands are asking for the kit.
“Let me, “ Kaneki tells him.
Ken looks like he was about to decline the offer so Kaneki beats him to it by
grabbing his wrist. It silences the twin instantly.
Ken easily complied after that so he stood up, pulling his brother with him as
they walk to the bathroom.
“There’s dirt…” and blood “…everywhere.” Is all what Kaneki can tell him at the
moment when Ken gave him a questioning stare. He gingerly pushed Ken into the
bathroom, hands stiff and too scared to touch. It felt like he’s with a
stranger, not his twin.
Ken must’ve felt the same.
Kaneki has no one to blame but himself.
Once Ken is inside and the sound of water running was heard, he proceeded to
get Ken clothes to change into and a towel.
Instead of calling for Ken while the other is in the shower, he chose to stand
right outside the bathroom’s door and wait. When the door opened and Ken’s head
comes out, awkward and shy to shout for a towel, he hands him what he needs
before Ken could ask for them.
Once out. He pulled Ken by the hand again, his hands wrapped around the other,
Kaneki remarks how warm they are.
Back in the room, Kaneki notices that Ken’s hair was still dripping wet,
causing water to drip drop from his hair down to the collar of his shirt so he
takes the towel from the others hands to wipe his hair dry himself. Ken was too
stiff and Kaneki wonders why.
When Kaneki held Ken’s face to inspect the cuts and bruises, there was a wince.
Apologizing, he gently ran his thumb over a reddening cheek soothingly. He
frowns when it reddened more underneath his touch. They’re warm.
There were bruises on his face and his other eye is swollen. His stomach hurts
and he refused to tell Kaneki how it happened, but he suspects it was probably
kicked based on the amount of dirt he had seen in the Ken’s shirt.
The scrapes were properly cleaned and disinfected.
When he was done, he gives his brother a once-over and nods to himself.
After taking away the first aid kit, Kaneki moves to touch his brother’s soft
hair, his fingers pinching and playing at the strands before leaning in to kiss
his forehead, something their mother used to do whenever the boys get injured.
 
                    Ken felt his heart stop, then beat again, faster and harder
as he watches his brother lean back and say, “Later,”
“Y-yeah…” Kaneki has already slammed the door shut when Ken managed to squeak
out a reply, too flustered.
What was that?
 
xiii.
                    “Ken, do you want to accompany me to Anteiku?”
“H-huh? An..teiku?”
Kaneki has been acting out of his character lately.
Ken had long since accepted that they would never come back to how they used to
be before, but ever since Hide and Kaneki had rescued him a few days ago,
Kaneki has made it his job to approach him all the time.
Kaneki still gets up as early as Haise, helps the eldest in preparing their
breakfast and lunches, but now he waits for Ken to get up from bed and walks
with him again to school.
Kaneki still has his after school club activities so walking home together is
definitely out of the question. Kaneki makes it up by eating lunch with him.
Ken was genuinely scared of the sudden change in his brother that at first he
tried to get the other to leave him be.
At the beginning, he thought that Kaneki’s kindness would fade away soon a few
hours after he had properly tended to Ken, but oh was he wrong.
Kaneki has been keeping this up for four days now. It is starting to scare Ken.
He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Kaneki has been going out
of his way for him, and now, he wants him to accompany him to where?
Kaneki gives him a look that’s asking if Ken did not really know what Anteiku
is. Ken really has no idea what it is.
Kaneki furrows his brows before his face morphs in mild surprise.
“Oh, I mean the book club.”
“…Anteiku?”
At the question, Kaneki looks away in deep thought, eyes darting left and right
to look for answers as he bites his lip. “I’ll…explain later.”
“You…said it’s a book club, right?”
Is it possible for people to look away when they’re already looking away? As
Ken watched Kaneki’s hand move to hold his chin and graze his teeth along his
lips, Ken can confidently say, yes, it is possible.
“...yeah.”
Is Anteiku some sort of a nickname then? It was strange of Kaneki to join a
book club. Well, this Kaneki anyway. He did tell Ken before that he doesn’t
like to read anymore.
But Kaneki is doing all these to get to know each other again. It would only
work if Ken put effort into it too, so for the first time ever since the big
change, he slowly, shyly pulls at Kaneki’s free hand, tugging it. His hands are
cold, not as warm as he had remembered. This is new.
Everything about Kaneki is new.
Ken told himself that he will work as hard as Kaneki to get to know each other
again.
“Okay,” Ken tells him.
 
                    After school, Kaneki brings him to the field by the school.
There was an older boy lounging on the soft grass, his leg raised and supported
by the other as it lazily swings left and right. He’s wearing their school
uniform so Ken presumes this must be an upperclassman.
“Nishio-senpai,” He hears Kaneki call out.
The older boy wasn’t even moving from where he lie, head tilted to the opposite
direction from them. He definitely heard Kaneki call out, so he hums in
acknowledgement.
“Kaneki, is that you?”
“I brought someone along, if you won’t mind.”
This sparked the other’s interest, finally moving to sit and look.
“Holy shit is that a dopple ganger?” He said, removing his glasses to wipe the
lenses with his shirt before putting them back in. He eyes Ken up and down, his
stare felt like they were ripping him open, and he unconsciously reaches for
Kaneki’s shirt to grab. Kaneki didn’t seem to mind and let him be.
“He really looks a lot like you. Well, except the hair and he doesn’t look like
he’s about to take a long shit, but definitely you. A brother then?”
“Twin. His name is Ken.”
Kaneki turns to Ken and says, “This is Nishio-senpai, one of the members. Feel
free to ask him about subjects you don’t understand.”
This Nishio-senpai character did not look pleased at what Kaneki told him. His
brows crease and he scowls, clicking his tongue at his twin.“Hey, don’t promote
me; I’m not your tutor, goddamnit.”
His eyes move to Ken and he says “Welcome to Anteiku,” without the hostile look
he gave Kaneki not too long ago. Before Ken even managed to give a reply,
Nishio-senpai had already rolled on his back, eyes closed. Later on, he finds
out that that’s Nishio-senpai’s way of telling people that “it’s time to fuck
off”.
The hand Ken is using to grasp at Kaneki’s shirt was removed and was moved to
hold Kaneki’s hand instead. There was a pull, then Kaneki pulls him along the
field to go lie together, side by side on Kaneki’s favourite spot. Once their
backs had finally settled comfortably on the grass, Kaneki turns to his side
and holds the side of Ken’s head, lightly running the pad of his thumb to Ken’s
cheek as he whispers to him, voice soft and gentle that he has yet to introduce
Ken to the rest, but Touka is running late today, must be in-charge of cleaning
duty. Kaneki is not sure if Irimi-san or Koma-san would join them today, but he
assures Ken he’ll meet them soon too.
The names did not really stick much to Ken, his mind lost to his brother’s eyes
gazing at him in a way he has never seen before. Those hands are cold, but they
never felt any less warm as they gently touch him. He thought they could stay
like that forever, if possible. He doesn’t want this day to end.
“Oh my god it’s so sweet, there’s ants everywhere!”
That’s what he felt when he saw someone stand over their heads, her hands on
her sides like a nagging mother. Ken rolls away from Kaneki, squeaking.
He felt like shouting, his face hot. Kaneki has yet to move from his spot, eyes
fixated on the space in front of him as if wondering where had his brother
gone.
“Hey, Bakaneki! This is Anteiku, no boyfriends or girlfriends allowed!” Even
Shitty Nishiki follows the damn rules!
“Touka.”
“Hey, Stupid Touka, that’s his twin.”
It was…not a good impression at all.
Chapter End Notes
     I'm gonna say now that my finals week will start on June 1st and I'll
     die taking 3 exams in one day
     so please be patient thanks I love you all <3
***** Plus one *****
Chapter Summary
     (An outsider)'s point of view
Chapter Notes
     I've hit a wall
     WARNING: UNBETA'ED (take this seriously I'm p much fried at this
     point to see any mistakes oh deer)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
xiv.
                    Elementary school.
Children are noisy and whiny. Always complaining about the littlest things to
their parents and teachers. Hide find this unnerving, thinks these people are
too “high-maintenance”. He won’t be able to keep up with them. He doesn’t like
elementary school. He wanted to grow up faster.
But then again, he first saw them during elementary school, so he supposes he
should owe that place a lot.
They sit at the back of the class, contrary to his seat, which is at the
center.
What made them stand out from the sea of noisy, whiny kids is that they aren’t.
They don’t make noises, they don’t make a fuss. It was strange for Hide, to see
people not make a fuss when their books get forcefully taken away from them,
their desks get vandalized, or their shoes go missing. Not a word. They never
mentioned anything to anyone and instead take it in silence. They would help
each other scrub the vandals off their desks, meekly ask for their books back
and smile wryly when it gets roughed up before it was returned in a very bad
shape, or patiently look for their shoes in every nook and cranny of the
classroom. Sometimes Hide follows them and see them find it in garbage cans.
Children can be cruel too, he forgot. That was another reason why he dislike
them.
 
                    At first Hide just preferred to watch them from afar.
So he asks himself why is he doing this when he found himself approaching the
almost crying twins with their dirtied shoes in both of his hands one day.
School was over for almost an hour now, and as usual, someone hid the twins’
shoes again.
They looked everywhere, and Hide knows there’s no way the twins will ever find
it this time. Hide followed the perpetrators and saw them throw it in the
fields not too far away from the school.
“Hey,” he calls out.
The twins turn and look at him, and Hide notices how there are already tears in
their eyes.
He plays an act to show he’s fidgeting before he raises the shoes to show them.
“I..found these in the fields and er, yeah.”
There was silence, and the twins gazed at him warily before they turned to look
at each other, as if asking the other if Hide is an enemy or not before they
approach with careful steps, hands trembling as they slowly reach out for their
footwear in his hands.
“Thank…you, uh…” one of them said.
“Nagachika.. Nagachika Hideyoshi.” He supplies.
“...Nagachika-san.” The other one said.
“Oh, no. Please, just Hide. Hide is fine.” Hide doesn’t like the sound of his
last name, to be honest.
“Hey, you guys are Sasaki Ken and Kaneki, right? We’re in the same class
together. I’m the guy sitting in the middle of the class. I guess we haven’t
introduced ourselves to each other properly yet, right?” He holds out a hand
for a handshake.
The twins both nod at the mention of their respective names before shaking his
hands gingerly. As if they never had any physical contact with someone else
before. Hide doesn’t doubt it.
He wonders why such well-mannered and timid people like them get bullied so
much, when they seem like they could barely kill a fly. Is it because they are
the type who doesn’t fight back? He inwardly scoffed. Only the weak would do
that.
“Hey,” He says too loudly, the boys flinching at his sudden outburst.
“What if we became friends? Like best friends? I’m still kind of new here and
haven’t made any yet, so wanna be mine?”
Hide liked the way the boys’ eyes glowed like stars on a starry night. The
small smiles and the reddening of their faces (fluster?). They looked so
hopeful. “Really?” “Are you sure about that?”
There was reluctance, children like these, they are bound to develop anxieties.
Hide’s decision is sincere though, so he says, without hesitation, brimming
with confidence and assurance, “Yeah, why not? You guys looked pretty cool!”
Their smiles grow bigger, faces redder and as look down to gaze at their dirty
shoes, they shyly nod.
Hide grins, teeth and all.
“That’s a promise, then!”
 
                    Kaneki and Ken have an older brother called Haise.
He’s very skilled and talented. He heard that Haise-san is supposed to be
accelerated up to three levels but declined for some reason Hide did not know.
He’s more of a parent rather than a big brother, that’s what Hide also noticed,
but the siblings loved and treasured their absent mother the most.
Since Haise-san is so smart and way older than them, there are times the three
of them consult and ask the eldest Sasaki for some help regarding their
homework and topics they don’t understand. He’s very helpful, but there’s one
thing the three couldn’t stand whenever Haise-san gets too much into it.
“…and that proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum
of the squires of the two sides.” Haise says in the tone of a cheery preschool
story narrator, his hand holding a pencil like a stick of a conductor’s is
moving in waves, as he pronounces every syllable, word.
It took the three a few moments, repeatedly repeating the last sentences in
their heads over and over before the children broke off into a scream of no’s,
a thick algebra book flying towards the eldest’s head.
There is just something appealing to the elder boy’s character that makes it
hard for Hide to not to fall for his charms. They all love Haise-san, even
Hide, but they all hate his horrible puns.
 
xv.
                    Mrs. Sasaki died of fatigue when they were 10.
It broke Ken and Kaneki’s hearts.
Hide had always noticed how lonely the twins were, despite all the love their
big brother gives them. A sibling’s love will never fill the hole in them that
yearns for a parent’s. They always craved for it, their mother’s affection, but
her smiles and assurances were never enough. Not ever.
They needed her, and now she’s gone.
Right after her death, the siblings were taken by a man called Arima. A family
friend.
Haise finally accepted the acceleration. He wanted to become an adult faster,
to care for his brothers, Hide heard him say.
Their guardian----Arima----is a busy man. Always off to work from morning ‘till
midnight. Most of the time he’s not home, leaving the house to the three. It
was no different from their old home where their mother is always never
present. Always at work. Day and night.
But the twins still felt the difference nonetheless.
It took them a week after their mother’s death before the twins got the courage
to come out of the house and attend school again.
Hide was surprised to see them, too happy and ecstatic upon seeing his two
favourite people. He ran, screaming, calling them out.
He felt them jump when his hands land on their shoulders too hard, but he can’t
help it, he missed them so much.
“Hey! How long did you two plan to stay out of school! I was so lonely on my
own!” He tells them.
The look on their faces surprised Hide. It was disbelief. As if days without
them by Hide’s side truly made an impact on the other boy.
What were they thinking? Of course, he’s lonely. They’re his best friends. He
love them. Hide huffs, pats them again on the shoulders, as if dusting them
off. He tells them with a relieved smile, “It’s good to see you guys again.
Really missed you.”
And they continue to walk to school together. All three of them.
Ken and Kaneki were smiling, but there were still hints of sadness reflected in
their grey eyes. Hide couldn’t do anything about it for now. He just have to
give them time to lament for their loss, but he would make sure it wouldn’t be
for long.
The smiles on their faces give him hope.
 
                    Hide has yet to meet this Arima person, but he already
dislike him.
From what he had gathered, Arima has quite the reputation.
His peers call him the Wünderkind, the child prodigy. He started doing co-ops
at a very young age. He was so talented that they let a thirteen year old
handle sensitive and dangerous operations. Hide thought that if Haise went into
the program earlier, he would definitely be a little version of Arima.
Skilled, talented, Hide also heard that he’s quite the merciless fellow.
He brought too many organizations down alone. He’s hated by the so-called scums
in the society for ruining their businesses.
Hide still remembers that day clearly as if it happened tomorrow. He doesn’t
think that the memory will ever go away, to be honest.
The three of them were walking home from school.
They usually go their own separate ways too soon since they live in different
streets.
Not too long after they split in an intersection, Hide heard a screeching
vehicle not too far away, then people screaming.
He was too late when he went back to take a look, heart pounding hard in his
chest. Dread washed over him when he see a plateless vehicle running off,
people flocking by the scene of the abduction. He overheard witnesses mention
something about two young boys getting dragged into the vehicle before it ran
off. Some say the boys could be twins.
It wasn’t too long ago when the three of them split up and seeing no sign of
the twins anywhere near the street made him wish that what his gut was
currently telling him is wrong.
He’s afraid that his instincts had never failed him.
There’s no time to panic, he tells himself as he ran towards the police
station. The twins loved hanging out there before with their older brother, so
he knows the quickest route from school. A boy like him wouldn’t be able to do
a thing for now. He had to rely on the adults, no matter how another part of
himself tells him it how useless they would be.
Those are no ordinary kidnappers. They’re most definitely connected with the
Sasaki brothers’ guardian. He’s sure of it.
He wishes for the best of Ken and Kaneki, hopes for the impossible.
That’s all he could do for now.
 
                    Right after his report, Haise came as soon as he could. Out
of breath and in the verge of crying. Hide can see how much the older boy had
been trying to be strong.
They told Hide its best if he go home for now. He wanted to say no, but a look
from Haise shut him up.
He’ll only hold them back. A kid like him is no help at all. He didn’t even get
to see the twins’ captors. He’s practically useless. A dead weight.
Dejectely, he walks out of the station. He looks back once, on his way out of
the door, giving the older brother one last look of concern. Meeting the
older’s eyes, Haise smiles. An assurance.
Hide knows that either of them can’t do anything but wait for now.
The boys were abducted. Speculations say its kidnapping, but the immediate
family has yet to receive a call. This is no ordinary kidnapping. Hide can tell
that the kidnappers would never call for a ransom. They want something else in
exchange for the boys.
For what they are, only one thing comes to mind.
 
                   He was a few blocks away when he hears a commotion happen in
the headquarters. Police running around, people mumbling and whispering.
Everyone started gathering by the entrance. Hide hurries back to see.
He managed to squeeze himself between people, but there were just too many of
them at the front, so he couldn’t truly approach whatever it is everyone is
making a fuss about. He gets on his knees, tries to find any opening to squeeze
through and there he sees it. It makes him pause for a second, a minute, for a
long time. He felt his heart jump, seeing Ken in Haise’s arms, both in tears.
Ken is alright and knowing this lessened the heavy weigh on his chest.
He sees Haise open his mouth, talking to Ken, looking very hopeful before
looking around the crowd, as if searching for something.
Hide was confused for a moment when Ken starts wailing, his voice fills the
entire room, and its an ugly noise. Hide couldn’t stand it, neither does the
people gathered around the brothers, but they all continue to watch, curious on
how this little show would turn out.
Ken’s wails caused Haise to go still, eyes wide.
Shouting and adults started running towards the brothers when Haise’s eyes
suddenly rolled behind his back and he fell, collapsing on the cold, marble
floor with a loud thud.
“Get some water!” Hide heard someone say, as a policeman approach and hold the
teenager, cradling him. Another approaches Ken, who started screaming for his
brother when he collapsed.
Hide wanted to help, but then he got swallowed by the crowd.
He’s still a child, he had forgotten; easily dismissed by the adults. A kid
like him is no help at all.
Feeling useless, he couldn’t do anything else but continue kneeling, hands
darting down to the floor. His gaze falls down where his hands were at rest by
the time the Sasaki siblings were completely swallowed by the panicked crowd,
leaving him behind.
 
                    Hide sees Ken attend school a day later after his twin’s
abduction.
It didn’t took long for the news to spread throughout their school. The
kidnapping by the school gates brought fear within every students as well as
the parents and teachers. Hide thinks that their fear is justified. Two school
boys getting kidnapped not too far from the school. But there’s no need to
fear, really. Twenty-four hours had passed and they did not receive any calls
about ransoms, so Hide’s suspicion was right.
It was one of this Arima’s enemies.
Arima is good at what he does. He heard how many big and influential people got
taken down because of Arima, it is only normal that his enemies would be as
strong and powerful themselves. Definitely mafia.
Other than the precaution everyone took after that, the story of how Kaneki
managed to distract the kidnappers and let his twin escape became everyone’s
favourite topic.
Kaneki is so brave, so courageous. What a good brother, so selfless.
It is common knowledge that the twins were everyone’s scapegoat. With Kaneki
gone Ken has to shoulder twice the weight of abuse they receive. When he
started hanging out with the two, everyone seemed to steer far away from them,
scared of what the loud, playful new friend the two suddenly had but Ken
started closing in on himself. He refused to talk to Hide. Refused any
invitation to walk him home or sit with him during breaks. It left the boy
vulnerable and Hide once again, was left powerless. There is nothing he could
do about it but try to comfort the other whenever he sees him leave the
building, clothes dirty and face wet with tears.
Ken seems like he started blaming himself, hating the fact that it was him who
had to survive, but really, in Hide’s thoughts, if Kaneki were to be in Ken’s
shoes right now, he would probably think the same. The twins work and think
like one person. Without the other, they are sure to collapse and fall in on
themselves.
It would ruin them, Ken and Kaneki.
 
                    Ten days.
Ten painful days they waited with bated breath. Haise was restless most of the
time, walking here and there in their living room, looking at the door at every
chance he got, as if waiting for a knock, a call, from the authorities who have
his brother with them, safe and sound.
There’s nothing wrong in hoping for the best, but Hide had learned a long time
ago that instead for the best, its better to hope for the worst, in case things
didn’t end up the way we expect them to be, at least we were prepared to accept
it, in the least.
That’s what Haise lacked. What Ken had unknowingly thought. What Hide hated to
do but had no choice in the matter. It would ruin them all if they were all to
break down if the worst had happened to Kaneki.
Ten days is a long time, after all.
When the call finally comes, Hide and Ken were in school, wasting the day away
with self-study periods. Mid-term exams are coming soon, after all.
The bell rang, signalling the students that its time to go home, Hide sees
right outside their classroom door a person, whom he recognized as one of the
cops in the headquarters. They’re looking for Ken.
Something’s up, but Hide is not of kin, so he was left again. The person told
him as waits for Ken to grab his things that “It’s for the best.”
Hide hopes so too.
 
                    Turns out it wasn’t.
The next day, Ken didn’t show up for school. Missed a lot of things, important
pointers from their teachers about the upcoming exams, Well, that’s what the
teachers told them anyway. School is important. More than your family, it
seems.
When school was over, he ran straight to the Sasaki’s, knocked on their gates
hard and screamed. He won’t take no for an answer this time.
The silence and the heavy atmosphere made him uneasy, so uneasy. He wants to
know what’s going on.
He stops when he sees the front door open, there comes out a man in spectacles,
tall and massive. He eyes Hide for a while, saying nothing as he approaches the
gate and opens it wide for the boy to have a better look at the man.
They were trapped in a staring contest, until Hide managed to speak, he wished
his voice didn’t quiver, but then again, why wouldn’t it? He’s a child still
compared to this man who was currently looming over him with that impassive
look on his face, calculating his every move, reaction.
“I—is Ken here?”
Something lights up behind the man’s glasses and he opens the gate wider, a
silent invitation.
And so Hide enters. Into the gate, into the front door, he almost forgets to
take off his shoes until he hears a voice telling him to before throwing his
bag next to it and running into Ken and Kaneki’s shared room.
Opening the door is no problem, the twins never locked their doors, too
trusting in their older brother and guardian not to enter without permission
and invade their privacy.
What he sees makes him want to rub his eyes, see if he’s dreaming.
Ken is on their shared bed, sitting in the corner by the wall, knees tucked
under his arms, head bowed low. Next to him is a person who appears to be
sleeping. Seems to be around their age, his back turned to him. Hide had sworn
he had never met a boy in the Sasaki household who has white hair. Who is this
boy?
“…Ken?”
Slowlly, Hide sees Ken move his head, turn up just enough to reveal a tired
eye. Before he says anything else, he jumps when he feels a warm hand land on
his shoulder rather firmly.
“The boys are still tired from yesterday, I think it’s best if you leave for
now.”
It was the bespectacled man from before.
“Arima…san,” he hears Ken mutter and Hide turns his head towards the man behind
him.
This is him? The so-called Arima Kishou?
 
            As Hide was led out of the house, before closing the gate, Arima
looks at him up and down, before leaning down to get a proper look at his face.
He mutters, more to himself than to Hide, “Have I seen your face somewhere
before?”
Hide, somewhat bewildered, shouts as he runs away, “No!”
 
            A few days after that, a boy enters the classroom with Ken in tow,
who sat quietly in Kaneki’s seat. Hide first notices the white hair, as well as
the rest of the class, who were all quiet and in a cluster to have a good look
at this new kid with the strange-looking hair.
When a teacher came in and everyone ran back to their respective seats and said
their respects, the teacher said, “We’re happy you can come back with us again,
Sasaki Kaneki-kun.” As they smile sincerely at the white-haired boy, face
showing no trace of emotion. His hands are intertwined under his chin, he
merely nods, avoiding eye-contact. The smile was too much for his mind.
A heavy, suffocating air settles in Hide’s lungs as he feels the tension in the
room.
Too much things has happened to these boys. There was a moment he doubted if
the twins could ever fix this by themselves. If being with the other is enough
to heal the wounds that came with this tragedy.
As of right now, if someone were to ask Hide on what he honestly thinks, he’ll
tell as he takes in a deep breath---
----
----No one knows.
 
xvi.
            Kaneki is back but it never felt like the missing sasaki boy has
truly returned home.
They all knew that if there ever was (it was painful to hear for the brothers,
but the possibility is very high) a chance that Kaneki were to be found and
rescued, he would never be the same again. The people (Hide thinks they don’t
deserve such title anymore at this point) who took him are cruel, they would
not think twice about mutilating a boy for petty reasons as a “little scare”.
This is their job.
Kaneki returned to them filled with the signs.
He was brutally tortured, traumatized, raped, dehumanized.
Leaving a boy naked in the middle of the street to fend for himself, almost
blind for this is his first time in ten days ever seeing light. Legs wobbly,
barely holding him up, body hurting all over.
Hide wasn’t able to get much other than the rumours about how Kaneki’s
fingernails were pulled from his fingers, how some of his teeth were pulled,
his hair turning white because of excruciating pain a boy’s mind couldn’t
handle, and a “little deaf” (in which ear, or maybe both, he would never know)
because they stuck a long hard stick into his ear just for fun.
There are some kids, who were so, so stupid. They really are, for cornering the
twins, threatening Kaneki to tell them his tale or else they’ll hurt his twin.
After all, he saved his twin once so saving him again wouldn’t be a problem,
right? Besides, this is easier, All he have to do is sit with them, and tell
them a good story. His story. About his hair, his nails, everything. That’s not
much, right?
They wait, wait and wait until their patience grow thin, watching the freaky-
looking twin do nothing but stare at them blankly, eyes occasionally shifting
from them to his twin who is shaking and in the verge of tears because he fears
not for his safety but his brother’s. He wanted to know too, but not like this.
Oh god, no. Please.
They start to get really, really impatient and they pull Ken’s hair, another
hand threatening to land on his face. They don’t notice Kaneki cracking his
knuckles.
They merely laugh when they see Kaneki’s eyes on them, hard and steely and
apathetic.
Ken’s screams echoed throughout the halls, the floor, and soon teachers and
students found them. The stupid, stupid kids were found black and blue and
broken, Ken crying, his knees planted to the cold floor, and Kaneki cracking
his knuckles that were covered in someone else’s blood.
 
            After that Hide found himself forcefully squeezing back into the
twins’ lives because he just couldn’t stand it anymore. Seeing them wreck each
other from the inside-out without even knowing it themselves.
Kaneki has reasons why he suddenly distanced himself to his twin, Ken has his
own on why he just stood there and accepted everything that gets him shoved
into.
Hide doesn’t like what he is seeing. It pains him to see his precious people
hurt themselves under the notion of doing it for the other’s sake. They’re
destroying themselves. So Hide thought about putting this into his own hands.
Well, he tried. He really did.
Most would think the twins are no longer the same person, when in reality,
beneath all those eyes and hair and whatever else that everyone thought made
the twins more distinct than before they are still the same through and
through. Kaneki is stubborn, stubborn to not ask for help, for his brother’s
comfort. He would rather suffer the nightmares on his own in his own little
world like how Ken refused to let anyone in in his that he made on his own.
Both had left their sanctuaries, in search for comfort for themselves,
stubbornly believing both can live without the other when it would never be.
Hide tried to push them back together, tried to make them a new place to call
their own where they can be themselves again, no more worries or anxieties
about rejection and pain.
But they’re stubborn. They really are, the both of them.
In the end, Hide felt like giving up himself.
 
            Hide supposes that everyone has a fuse that would one day run out
and he’s no exception.
He always thought he was a very patient person. The type who would sit and wait
and wait and wait until things go the way they wanted it. He never realized
he’s never that type. He never knew until that day.
He got too impatient, too worried when it took longer for Ken to come out and
meet him by the gates after school. Ken was in charge of the day’s cleaning
duty, so Hide told him that he’ll be waiting for Ken by the gates so they can
walk home together.
He found Ken at the back of the building, where students go to put the trash
out. It seems like those kids were at it again, must’ve waited for Ken at the
back because they know he’s in charge today. Ken is supposed to be with a
partner but they left halfway the work because of some errand Hide thinks is
just an excuse to skip. Ken believed anyway.
Hide knows he won’t be able to take these kids on. There’s like five or six of
them, not too tall or big but numbers would overwhelm him. He doubts he and Ken
can come out of it safely.
So he did what he’s always good at.
He walked a few, then a dozen and more steps backwards, away from the fray,
before running back, shouting, as he looks behind him and waves to make a show
that someone is following him.
From how these kids bring themselves, they like to mess with people weaker than
them, but they care enough for what others would think of them. The types who
smile and act like angels in front of the adults and once their backs face
them, they would kick and hurt and abuse people they think inferior to them.
Hide knows what he needs to do to scare them off.
“Teacher! There they are!”
Hide felt himself smile when he see them scramble and run away. He adds, just
for the heck of it, ” Hey! I saw your faces!”
They were too scared to linger long enough to see that there was teacher
following Hide behind. Cowards, indeed.
Hide’s smile drops when he sees his friend’s condition.
“Oh, Ken,” He breathes out, in relief and worry.
An eye is swollen he couldn’t open them completely and Hide winces. He kneels
down to whisper at the boy, hands gently guiding him back up on his feet.
“Come on, I’ll get you home.” He tells him as Ken winces in his hold.
There was a bit of hesitation in Ken’s voice, as it cracks when he tells him,
“Please don’t tell them.”
Hide felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest when he hears Ken say those
words, and he looks away in hopes to ease it. Hide notices a crown of white
hair by the corner of the building, Kaneki standing and watching them with a
straight face, unable to express what he truly feels.
For a moment, Hide felt furious, an emotion he never imagined he’d ever feel
for his best friend, but he can’t help it. If it wasn’t for Kaneki practically
abandoning his brother to fend for his own then this wouldn’t have happened,
but Hide knows its not his fault. Its not their fault.
Hide forces out a laugh that did not come out right, “Okay, but it’s sort of
too late.”
It’s hard to see Ken’s legs give out on him as he sobs.
Hide felt like it was him who was beaten at that time.
 
            “Fix this.” He tells Kaneki firmly, like how he shoved the medicine
kit into the other’s arms before storming off the Sasaki household.
The look Kaneki gave him at that time was of doubt, as if saying “You put too
much faith in me.”
Hide really did. He still does, actually.
 
xvii.
            The next time Hide saw them was the day after that.
It felt like years when he last saw them like that, sitting close as they eat
lunch together. No one says anything about it, but eyes dart towards the pair
every now and then because Hide is not the only one who felt like it has been
years since they saw the twins together like this again, despite the way they
act towards each other. As if both were strangers to each other.
Lots of things had changed. Kaneki changed, as well as Ken so Hide thinks this
is normal, for the twins to approach this rather delicately. But at least
they’re making progress. That’s what he is happy about.
 
            “He took me to his club meeting.”
Ken mutters to Hide as they walk home. Turns out that Kaneki has obligations to
his club, and so was never available to walk home with his brother. Ken says
its fine though, because he quite enjoyed these walks with Hide from time to
time.
("Just from time to time?” He asked Ken before, pouting and faking hurt. He
only got shoved by a red-faced Ken telling him to “shut up.”)
“Oh? How was it?” Hide asks, aiming to keep Ken talking.
At this, Ken avoids eye-contact, looks away as if he’s looking for birds in the
sky. Face growing quite red, he replies, “O-oh, its fine.”
“Ken, saying that meeting Kaneki’s friends is fine is like saying the Goblet of
Fire’s movie adaptation is fine.” He emphasizes on the word fine by raising
both hands to make quotation marks in the air.
Ken bristles at that, but drops the topic entirely when he says, “They
nicknamed the book club Anteiku.”
“Huh…”
“They said that’s because Yoshimura-sensei once planned to open a coffee shop
with his late wife but then his wife…yeah.”
Hide was sucking on his teeth as he listens. His lips make a popping noise when
he opens his mouth to reply, “Wow.”
Ken nods shakily, “…yeah,”
“Don’t tell me that’s all you guys did yesterday. Talk about Yoshimura-sensei’s
dream coffee shop.”
There was a very long silence before Ken replies, “Y-yeah. That’s all what we
did.” Nodding to himself, finding an answer he likes as he rubs his chin in
mock concentration.
Hide snorts. Yeah, right.
 
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     I know everyone is sick of that building scene. Don't worry, me too
     Who knew slow burn is slow, right?
     Time to go back to my responsibilities orz
     (I loved this au so much I wanted my sister read it for herself but
     she...got grossed out?
     ???????? ?? ?)
***** Comedy *****
Chapter Summary
     Tragedy is the best comedy.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
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Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
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Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
Ishida-sensei is a reifag Ishida-sensei is a reifag
Chapter End Notes
     [belated] april fools
End Notes
     this is E (for Everyone *gets shot*) because the next part has a
     rapey part and there's gonna be actual kanekicest sex yaaaayyy (maybe
     also a threesome bc why not *shrug*)
     hellweek is coming and I'm trying to run away from my
     responsibilities but since this is my last chance to get excepmted
     from taking at least one of my final exams then I might as well study
     for it yea?
     I promise the next part won't take a year before I pull it out of my
     ass I promISE
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