Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/6819625.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Eren_Yeager, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Hange_Zoë, Erwin_Smith, Oluo
      Bozado, Petra_Ral, Eld_Jinn, Gunther_Schultz, Moblit_Berner, Mikasa
      Ackerman, Armin_Arlert, Jean_Kirstein, Sasha_Blouse, Connie_Springer,
      Ymir_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Krista_Lenz_|_Historia_Reiss
  Additional Tags:
      canonverse, Canon_Compliant, Canon_Era, knife_sharpening, Manga_Spoilers,
      Canon-Typical_Violence, Mention_of_torture, Masturbation, Panic_Attacks,
      Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Fluff, Blow_Jobs, Hand_Jobs
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-05-11 Completed: 2016-05-29 Chapters: 10/10 Words: 33830
****** Light in the Dark ******
by sugarplumsenpai
Summary
     Eren was sitting on a couch in a room above the courtroom and still
     almost couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the recent turn of events.
     He truly was a member of the Survey Corps now, wasn’t he? He was
     where he belonged. Officially under surveillance, yes. But otherwise
     free.
     He’d be able to do something again. He’d wear his harness again. He’d
     make a change.
     - - -
     After years of pursuing his dream, Eren finally is a member of the
     Survey Corps.
Notes
     For appleapple. For making me fall in love with canonverse
     stories…and for so much more.
     - - -
     Thanks to my lovely beta, who not only keeps on being my emotional
     cheerleader, but also reads my crappy first drafts that constantly
     tend to get rewritten entirely. Oops.
     Tracking Tag on tumblr: #ereri fic: Light in the Dark
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Eren was sitting on a couch in a room above the courtroom and still almost
couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the recent turn of events. He truly was a
member of the Survey Corps now, wasn’t he?  He was where he belonged.
Officially under surveillance, yes. But otherwise free.
He’d be able to do something again. He’d wear his harness again. He’d make a
change.
Long missed sunlight shone through the windows, blinding him in its afternoon
glow, and painting the room with golden colours. It slowly withdrew the
coldness that had persistently attempted to settle in his bones during the days
spent in chilly dampness, replacing it with warmth.
The proximity of Captain Levi, who sat on the seat cushion directly next to
him, only increased the feeling and an uncomfortable heat flushed Eren’s cheeks
as he thought about how he had flinched away involuntarily as Levi had sat down
earlier. He owed that man his life. He shouldn’t be scared. He wasn’t.
Commander-in-Chief Zackly had just visited them to go through a few
formalities, repeating Levi’s obligations concerning Eren. The rules were
clear: Keep Eren in order. Make sure the other soldiers are safe. Take
precautions. Don’t let him out of sight for too long until they could be sure
of his loyalty. Kill him if they must.
Zackly had exited the room again. And shortly afterwards Commander Erwin had
taken his leave as well, accompanied by Mike, to tend to other urgent matters.
Eren had kept his mouth shut during Zackly's visit while he had avoided to look
directly at Levi who had been strikingly silent as well.
Now his concentration was directed at Hanji who had begun to tend to his wounds
again. He—she? Eren couldn’t tell for sure—eagerly washed off the crackled and
dried blood on his forehead and curiously checked his ribs for serious
contusions or broken bones.
“So, your blood is red too, huh?” Hanji wondered.
Eren was puzzled by their notation. How else should blood look like? “Eh, yes.”
“Does it taste rusty as well?”
They raised the cloth to their mouth and sucked on it to try it. Levi hissed
audibly.
“It does, indeed. Just like mine. How fascinating. Levi–”
“Disgusting,” Levi interrupted them with a repulsed look on his face.
While Eren wondered if this comment was directed at Hanji, his blood or him in
general, the former had already started a muttered monologue about possible
reasons for Eren’s tooth being already healed, but the slower fading of his
scratches and contusions. Stress. Healing by seriousness of the wounds. Or by
cell structure…
Eren tried to listen, but quickly couldn’t keep up anymore while he forced
himself to stay awake.
His stay in the musty dungeon had been tiring. Endless questions had filled his
mind, making him nothing but angry about his situation. Additionally there’d
been his constant unrest due to a potential Titan’s counter attack just around
the corner, with the perspective of being of no use if kept in chains. Then
there’d come the tribunal…and the shock in the form of a foot hitting his
stomach. When the verdict had been spoken relief and exaltation had flooded
over Eren with full force, exhausting him immediately.
And now he was about to fall asleep as he was, sitting on a couch in the
courthouse, next to Captain Levi himself. Eren didn’t have to turn his head to
know he was being observed. Instead he stared at the tip of Levi’s boot that
was pointed at him. It felt safer. To his irritation the boot looked absolutely
spotless.
Hanji interrupted their mumbled soliloquy, threw their arms into the air, and
stretched until their vertebras popped. “I’m starving! I’ll get us something to
eat,” they yawned with a drawn-out howl.
“Mm,” Levi agreed and Hanji left.
When they were alone Levi unfolded his legs to rise from the shared couch. He
laid out his weapons onto a small table and started to maintain them.
Eren stayed put where he was, unsure of what to do or say. Was he allowed to
lie down? He didn’t want to ask.
Since the Captain didn’t appear like he was about to start a conversation, Eren
twiddled with his fingers and remained without a single word as well. For the
first time in his life he wished for someone to tell him how he was expected to
behave socially. Nobody had ever made him feel this insecure. Maybe he’d just
have to get used to situations like this. Maybe it just was what it meant to
grow up.
He shot a quick peek at Levi for what felt like the umpteenth time.
Fortunately, it took Hanji only a few minutes to return with a couple of slices
of bread and Eren relaxed considerably at their sight.
“Are you okay Eren?” Hanji inquired with big brown eyes, enlarged by a pair of
thick glasses as they handed him his share of food. “Your ears are red and
you’re all sweaty. How is your heartbeat? Is it average?”
They placed their palm on Eren’s brow. “Do you feel feverish? May I check your
forehead? Oh wow, you’re hot! Levi, look! Is it always this way, Eren? Please
tell me. Oh! Have you ever measured the temperature of your body fluids?”
Eren stole another glance at Levi, hoping that Levi’s demeanour would give him
a hint whether or not this was supposed to be a serious question. In vain. Levi
just clicked his tongue but apart from that he didn’t react at all.
“I… ahem. No?”
“Don’t worry, most people don’t,” Hanji proceeded blithely. “But I could do it
for you. What would you prefer?”
“Er…”
“Urine? Blood? Maybe spinal fluid? That last one would hurt, but if you’d be
alright with it, that would be fantastic. It’s some good stuff.”  They had
slowly leant closer with glowing cheeks, their eyes growing bigger with every
word, and Eren could spot some drool running down their chin.
“Don’t make him shit his pants during the first few hours already, four-eyes,”
Levi grumbled, rescuing Eren from having to answer. “You’ll get your chance
soon enough. Eren you may kick her if she gets too obtrusive. Consider this an
official permission. She can take it.”
The affirmation in Levi’s voice irritated Eren. “I…what? I would never–”
“Ahh!” Hanji sighed as they leant back again and scratched the back of their
shaggy head. “Don’t be such a spoilsport, Levi!”
They both fell back into silence, and Eren with them.  Hanji turned to a pile
of papers and some notebooks they fished out of a bag. They seemed weird to
Eren somehow. Still he couldn’t help but feel strangely at ease around their
company. Their lively nature had a certain candidness to it and their hand that
had wiped his face earlier had been careful and caring.
Wondering about the fact that Levi had called Hanji “she” right now and if he
should ask about that or if it even was important—probably it is not, he
concluded quickly—Eren bit into a piece of wheat bread with luxurious butter.
He hadn’t had butter in years, not since wall Maria had been breached, and he
couldn’t hold back an nostalgic closing of his eyes at the soothing flavour. It
was divine. And it calmed him down instantly.
“Thank you, Hanji.”
“You’re welcome, Eren.”
Hanji sat on the floor again, cross-legged and munching a few slices of bread
as well. They didn’t care to wipe away the crumbs which fell onto the ground
and soon were scattered all over their papers. They murmured unremittingly in a
low voice while they scribbled down notes in an erratic handwriting Eren could
not decipher. Every now and then they chewed on the pen instead of eating the
bread and it gradually dyed their lips in a dark blue.
By the window Levi still sat at the table, tending to his weapons and answering
an occasional question from Hanji. He regularly frowned at the mess Hanji made.
But either he wasn’t annoyed enough to complain or he didn’t bother to start a
fight he wouldn’t win.
The irregular scratching of a pen on paper and the rhythmic sound of buttons
being polished and knives being sharpened filled the room, accompanied by a
casual exchange of words. Peaceful, Eren thought. This was so much better than
the paralyzing noise of imprisonment and incapacitation under the accusing
glances of indignant guards. This was familiar. It implied safety and security.
They would protect him and he would protect them in return. Just as it should
be.
Soon Eren’s chin kept on falling down onto his chest in the middle of a bite
and he repeatedly jerked his head up again.
“There is a cot in the adjacent room,” Levi pointed out just as Eren had
finished his last piece of bread. “We’ll stay here until tomorrow morning. Get
some rest.”
Eren accepted the offer gladly. He sank down on the bed, fully clothed as he
was, and almost the second his head touched the soft pillows he fell asleep.
- - -
One day later the old castle, that was supposed to be their new headquarter,
appeared in front of them under a clear blue sky. Almost hidden in the middle
of a forest, it had a somewhat secluded feeling to it as Eren thought. Maybe it
was the lack of the constant presence of the walls. Of course they were still
there. But not being able to see them every second he’d lift his head for a
change felt foreign to him.
Apart from that he wanted to groan in blissful relief as the trees parted to
reveal their destination. It took every bit of willpower he could muster to
stay upright in the saddle for the last bit of their journey. He clung on to
the bridle, clenched his teeth, and concentrated on keeping his movements in
order.
Eren felt sore. His back was aching, his muscles had been about to shake out of
exertion for a while now, and his arse was numb. Each step of the mare below
him jolted uncomfortably through his joints, shaking him in his saddle. He
hadn’t been this long on a horse’s back for a very long time and he was
hurtfully reminded of how arduous this way of movement was. Also he’d spent the
last week nearly completely chained to a bed.
At least his powers seemed to give him an extraordinary quick and thorough
healing so that the ache in his bones would probably have faded in a couple of
hours. Hopefully. Come to think of it now it might explain why most of his
comrades had been assailed by muscle soreness much heavier and longer than him.
Mikasa and Marco naturally used to dissemble it, former with a stoic expression
and latter with forced smiles, but especially Connie and Sasha always had been
moaning for days.
The perks of being a monster, Eren pondered grimly.
“You would want to train your skills, Eren,” the soldier next to him, Eren
remembered he’d introduced himself as Auruo, said. “Unless you want to become
Titan fodder before you do anything useful for us. Riding is essential when you
want to earn yourself your position in Captain Levi’s squad.”
“Yes.”
Captain Levi’s squad.  It still hadn’t felt quite real to Eren until he’d met
the other four soldiers this morning.
Successfully oppressing a wince since his muscles wanted to disobey, Eren
turned around in his saddle and met at a pair of coolish grey eyes that already
were fixed on him. Eyes that had seen the outside of the walls. Eyes that knew
freedom. 
He had been sensing Levi’s appraising stare the whole ride, as if he’d been
attempting to burn a whole into his spine.
Levi held Eren’s gaze. He didn’t even blink.
Eren turned around again. Yes, he would train his skills. Riding, fighting,
getting stronger. Everything. He would earn his place and make them proud. And
regarding the rest of his abilities, Levi doubtlessly had a plan. He had been
killing so many Titans for so long now and certainly knew so much more about
them than Eren himself.
It is strange though, Eren thought. Seeing Levi like this almost didn’t make
someone believe he was supposed to be Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. His whole
appearance was unprepossessing and he was so…calm. If it weren’t for his
intimidating expression, Levi would almost look unimposing.
Of course he was everything but. Eren had seen Levi in battle and knew. It had
only been for a few seconds—but oh, these few seconds. He’d been so fast and
powerful. Like a merciless angel of death.
Eren resisted the urge to peer over his shoulder again.
As if his reprehension had loosened his words Auruo kept on talking to him.
Eren tried his best to redirect his attention and listen intently. He didn’t
know what is was exactly, but Auruo had something to him that reminded him of
Jean.
He gave a wheeze of sympathy pain when Auruo’s horse jerkily moved over a big
stone, making him jump in the saddle and bite on his tongue for the second time
today.
“Are you alright?” Eren asked worriedly.
“Yes. Don’t worry,” Auruo confirmed. Given that he patted an already bloody
tissue from before against his mouth and continued his speech airily Eren
concluded that this apparently happened frequently.
With the castle in sighting distance, they all seemed to spur their horses on
in unison to quicken their arrival and Eren followed suit.  The building was
huge. According to Erwin’s briefing earlier the other squads would join in the
course of a week and bring the new recruits with them. For now, however, it
would be solely the six of them.
The walls were heavy and made with stone bricks. It could easily be qualified
as a fort in Eren’s opinion. The courtyard alone was big enough for many horses
and people to gather, though all the weed growing between the cobblestones
indicated that this place had long been abandoned. Maybe for years.
Out of the corner of his eye he could see a single cat dash away in a hurry. It
must be a straying one and it probably was disturbed by suddenly having to
share their chosen refuge with someone. Cats were a good sign; they wouldn’t
have too many mice with at least one of them around.
They all dismounted. Eren gave a silent praise at the fact that he achieved the
task on his own without having to ask for help as he managed to swing his right
leg over the saddle.
He was led to the stables around the corner and guided his mare into a box
where he removed her harness, the saddle, and blanket underneath before
brushing her dry and scraping out her hooves. He talked to her, even if most of
it was only senseless and incoherent sentences.
“Let’s give our best, yes? I’ll give you lots and lots of hay.” She should get
used to his voice.
Just as he was about to look for a pitchfork for gathering some hay a factual
voice rang out. “You aren’t used to riding long distances, are you?”
Eren looked about. He could hear the other’s muffled chatter in the adjacent
boxes but this statement had come from nearby. He spotted Levi who leant
against a pole a few steps away. His arms were folded in front of his chest and
now he came closer.
“No, Captain,” Eren answered, willing himself to stare back. “That’s right. I
am going to train hard though and do whatever it takes. You’ll see.”
He could feel the mare behind him move her head and sniff his neck with her wet
nostrils and warm breath. It tickled.
“Hm.” Levi said. “At least they taught you how to do it, so we can skip the
basics. Your resilience training begins tomorrow. Be here right after breakfast
and bring your gear. For now we’ll clean this filthy shithole of a headquarter.
It’s disgusting. There’s dust everywhere.”
Dust?
Levi’s frown deepened into a grim scowl and after shortly patting the mare’s
mane he turned around. “Follow me. Eld will take care of feeding her and the
others.”
“Yes, Sir,” Eren confirmed and did as he was told.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Cleaning, as Eren should find out and Levi kept on reminding him, wasn’t
something to treat lightly in this squad. Initially he had hoped they would
start with their first training today, but apparently that would have to wait
until the castle would fulfill Levi’s standards. Therefore they dusted, swiped,
mopped, and scrubbed all afternoon until the sky outside had changed from
bright blue to colourful.
“It’s getting too dark,” Levi eventually announced, pulling down the mask
around his face. “Let’s finish for today. Eren, fetch your belongings.”
“Yes, Sir.” Eren went and a few minutes later he followed Levi down a narrow
staircase, a small chest up in his arms. He’d been disappointment when Levi had
announced that he’d have to sleep in the dungeon again, but it couldn’t be
helped. Orders were orders after all and Eren wouldn’t complain.
“My own room is not too far away,” Levi said. “So try to not make too much
noise at night.”
“Yes. I’ll do my best, Sir.”
“You’re not a snorer, are you?”
“No.”
“Mm.”
Eren was feeling somewhere between regretful and relieved. He didn’t want to be
trouble to anyone. Nevertheless, the affirmation that if by any chance he
actually should transform and would be about to make damage he wouldn’t be let,
eased him down.
“Welcome home,” Levi said dryly as he opened the door with a creak.
Eren put down his chest at the foot of the bed before he glimpsed around. The
bed, table, and dresser seemed to have been moved here for his sake—they lacked
the cloths that had covered the other furniture in the upper part of the
castle. He noticeably relaxed at the sight of the well-stuffed mattress and the
thick blankets. They should be more than efficient to keep him warm in here.
And he wouldn’t have to sleep in chains anymore.
“At least it’s dry in here,” Levi mentioned. He swept a finger over the wall
and frowned at the dust-covered fingertip with a twitch of his upper lip. “You
should clean this place. I bet even the meadow outside would be an improvement
to…this.”
“Yes, Sir.” Eren made a mental note to make the room spotless as soon as
possible.
“You do understand we will have to lock the door at night. Someone, presumably
me or Hanji, will let you out in the mornings according to your schedule and
lock you in just before curfew.”
Eren merely nodded in response. What was there to say anyway? 
Levi already was on his way back upstairs again and without hesitation Eren
hurried to fall into step behind him.
- - -
The remains of their travel rations—bread with cheese—were already awaiting
them on one of the many tables in the otherwise scarcely furnished room next to
the kitchen. The sight made Eren’s stomach growl in anticipation.
A single oil lamp illuminated the dark room and Eren waited for Levi to sit
down at the head of the table before he sat down himself. At the training camp
they’d all had their familiar seats. He didn’t want to disturb the probably
habitual seating arrangements. Personal routine was one of the few things they
all had left for themselves in the end.
Whilst eating Petra and Auruo kept up a conversation about their cleaning this
afternoon. Eren had quickly found out they were constantly in a bicker-battle
about some trifles, even though they didn’t particularly appear to be on a
hostile basis. On the contrary. They would simply start to banter with each
other without any evident reason and laugh it off afterwards, as if nothing had
happened, only to start from anew. Now, however, they talked calmly.
“Did you discover any mould?” Levi asked when he had finished his share of
food.
“Yes,” Auruo answered. “In one of the shared bathrooms.”
“Disgusting.”
Petra smiled. “But at least with the stone walls and floors in this castle it
was easier to get rid of it. No comparison to the washroom in the wood hut.”
Levi shivered so heavily at that memory that the plates on table rattled.
Smoothing out his cravat Auruo strutted and snorted. “Don’t remind us, Petra.”
She winked at Eren and explained to fill him in. “The whole thing was a
goldmine for fungus. Not too cold, yet not too warm, and most of all moist. I
bet the whole place still smells like vinegar.”
“You were the one to soak up the whole floor with it, Petra,” Gunther made his
point.
“Because I ordered her to,” Levi said. “Fucking mould.”
“Indeed,” Auruo agreed.
Petra rolled her eyes at Auruo across the table and laughed. “I still find the
hornet’s nest in the kitchen was much worse.”
“Eyebrows certainly knows how to pick all the nice places,” Levi added.
“Knowing him there will be more surprises to look forward to in here. Maybe
delightful moths and mealworms in the pantry or something else.”
“Well,” Petra giggled. “Up to now we haven’t found anything else.”
“Maybe someone shit into the well.”
“Yuck! That would be awf– ouch!” Auruo winced as he bit on his tongue again, a
new, unstained handkerchief already pressed against his lips.
Yes, Eren concluded, this tongue-biting definitely was a usual habit. Poor guy.
It must hurt a lot to bite on your tongue several times a day. He peered down
at his left hand, wondering which option hurt more. He briefly considered to
try biting on his tongue to find out, but quickly decided against the impulse.
It surely would be a stupid idea.
“Who would do something like that on purpose?” Gunter inquired, ignoring
Auruo’s misfortune completely.
No one answered him and silence settled around them. Now that the food was
finished off as well it made Eren edgy. He wasn’t able to tell if this was a
comfortable quietness or not—not yet able to feel the room—as he felt their
curious gazes on him. Did they wait for him to contribute something? Had they
just read his mind with the biting thing?
He just wondered if he should wipe his face to check it for remains of food as
Auruo cleared his throat and looked at Petra. “Whose turn is it?”
“I can’t recall. Rock, paper, scissors?”
“Don’t mind, Petra… I’ll go.”
“Thank you, Auruo,” she smiled. “Then it’s me tomorrow again.”
Auruo excused himself and shuffled into the kitchen. After a few minutes he
came back with a steaming tea pot, a portable hearth, and some already filled,
small cups he handed out. Levi gave a short, appreciative nod. He held the cup
in a strange way, not using the handle. And Eren could be mistaken, but he was
sure to spot a short glimmer in Levi’s eyes as he took his first sip.
Curious, Eren tried the tea as well after blowing it cool. It was strangely
refreshening but slightly bitter. Back at home he’d solely drank water and
milk, he had been a child after all. At the Training Barracks they’d sometimes
had beer. He knew herbal infusions for healing purposes and the awful, burning
stuff that had been in Commander Pixis’ canteen, but that was it. At all events
this tea had an odd, unfamiliar taste and he wasn’t quite sure if he liked it.
The stimulatory side effect felt kind of nice though.
“So, Eren,” Eld broke the mutual stillness. “You truly are a Titan?”
“Yes,” he answered.
Eld stared at his hands. “I still find it hard to believe. How does it feel to
become one?”
Eren tried his best to share everything he knew as good as he could, even if
his explanations puzzled him himself. Before Eren could pore over it though,
Levi interrupted his thoughts. He indicated that Eren didn’t know much more
than he had told him and Erwin already. However, that surely wouldn’t stop
'her' from trying to find out something.
Eren thought he already knew who Levi meant. Something in the Captain’s tone
made him remember excited, brown eyes behind a pair of thick glasses over
enthusiastically glowing cheeks.
Just as he had asked nevertheless, the door burst open with a bang and Hanji
appeared in the entrance. Opposed to Eren who had jumped on his chair at the
loud sound, the others around him seemed completely uninvolved in the abrupt
appearance. None of them even so much as flinched.
“Her,” Levi confirmed Eren’s guess calmly with another sip of his tea.
Hanji rushed forward with wildly gesturing arms, their hair sticking out in
weird places. “Ah, hello. Eren, it is so nice to see you again!”
Without interrupting their greeting Hanji took a seat facing Eren, clenched his
hand in theirs, and chatted about their research and experiments without
tiptoeing around the topic first. Before he knew it they had deliberately
crossed Levi’s plans about him helping to clean the courtyard after his
resilience training tomorrow. In return Eren enquired them about their
experiments, hoping that he could be of good use for them.
Three stretched moans and Petra’s more polite sigh echoed in the hall. It was
followed by the scratching noise of five chairs and the steps of five pairs of
feet aiming for the door, first and foremost Levi.
Wondering what the reason for their abrupt leave was, Eren turned back to
Hanji. Their face was beaming again and they instantly started to fill him in
on their surveys. The reason began to dawn on him as Hanji had been talking for
what must have been hours while he listened to their conclusions. His initial
hope about learning something new shriveled with each minute. It was all
observations on stuff he knew from training and his few own blurry experiences.
The moonlight filtered through the hall’s curtains. After a while the pale disc
itself appeared in one of the windows, only to wander further and further and
disappear again. How late was it already? Eren’s eyes burned from the mere
effort of keeping them open. He was starting to feel cold out of fatigue and
sensed his body had begun to shiver in an attempt to get warmer.
It was about then when Levi came in to check on them. He took one peep at Eren
and informed Hanji that curfew had been up for hours. “Your narrations are
tedious as fuck anyway. You’ll kill him with boredom before you can start a
single experiment.”
“I will not, how dare you! And they are not boring. Eren doesn’t think so too,
right, Eren?” Hanji fiercely slapped Eren’s shoulder, making him instantly sit
up in his chair again, suddenly realizing with embarrassment that he’d slouched
down in it.
“Eh–” he began, rubbing his eyes, but Hanji already took that as an
affirmation.
“See, Levi?” They beamed brightly, their hands eagerly gripping the air, elbows
whirling around, and tiny drops of salvia flying out of their mouth, spraying
all the way over the table and onto Eren’s face. “He is as excited as I am. We
could be at the edge of a breakthrough here. The mere thought of coming upon
something important any moment should thrill you.”
“Believe me. It does,” Levi said dryly while Eren tried to more or less
discreetly pat dry his face with the seam of his sleeve.
Not averting his stare from Hanji Levi withdrew a handkerchief from his pocket
and handed it to Eren, who took it with a quiet “thank you.”
The fabric in Eren’s hands was smooth and finely spun, spotless white, and it
smelled like soap and lavender with a faint hint of roses. It was shockingly
familiar.
Home… no. Mum. It was exactly like his Mum had used to like it.
It reminded Eren of her and everything he lost that day so badly and out of the
blue, that his vision started to blur and a his chest tightened painfully.
Maybe it was the tiredness. Maybe it was being away from all of his friends and
feeling strangely alone.
How could he almost had forgotten her laughter? Her embrace? Her awful porridge
that he had eaten anyway? Her way of humming gently when she had done the
laundry in the backyard or stitched up his socks with a gentle smile?
He hadn’t cried over his mother’s death for years. He wouldn’t start here. He
wouldn’t!
Not like this anyway. Not over a goddamn handkerchief. Not in front of two
squad leaders. Not in front of Levi! He wasn’t a child anymore; he was a
soldier. A Titan. He clenched his mouth shut and forced back the tears, while
he ordered his stuttering breath to go even. Luckily he had been handed the
handkerchief to pat dry his face in the first place.
“What is it, Eren.” Levi demanded.
“I’m fine,” he mumbled. “Thanks again, Sir.”
Levi squinted at him, while Hanji seized the short silence to start anew. “It
is the first time we can actually talk with one of them in a real conversation.
It’s a miracle, Levi. Even better than Ilse’s diary.”
Levi averted his observing eyes from Eren to stare at Hanji again. “Amazing,
four-eyes.”
“Right?”
Eren tried his best to make himself melt with his chair; he didn’t want to
interfere at any rate. He guessed he shouldn’t hear all of this in the first
place. It sounded like the private banter of a married couple.
“What kind of shit do you think you are doing here? If you truly want to do
something useful, take a fucking bath. You stink. And your lips are still blue
from that filthy pen of yours.”
Hanji smelled at the back of their left hand. “I do not stink. If anything, I
smell like genius, you walnut.”
“Tch.”
By now Eren was done with patting his face dry and fighting back his tears.
Almost reluctantly he refolded the handkerchief and held it out to give it
back. Levi didn’t take it. Instead he kept his gaze fixed on Hanji with a
barely noticeable shake of his head. Eren retracted his hand, wrapping his
fingers carefully around the smooth fabric, and put it away.
“Oh, come on, Levi.” Hanji boisterously waved their arms. “Just let me end my
observations about their regrowth. I’ll bring Eren back to his cell myself to
lock him in after that.”
Levi’s stare wandered from Hanji to Eren and back again, wordlessly affirming
Eren’s unuttered guess that this surely wouldn’t happen if someone didn’t stop
Hanji sooner or later. Then Levi turned to Eren. “It’s your choice.”
He had said he’d give his everything. “I want to help Hanji, Sir,” Eren said
truthfully.
Levi reached for the tea pot on the portable hearth and refilled Eren’s cup.
“Just don’t fucking break him on the first night, shitty glasses. Eren, drink
up. And remember my approval about kicking her.” With that he left them alone
again, closing the door behind him.
“Ha!” Hanji cheered and boxed Eren playfully into his arm so fiercely that he
was sure it would bruise. “We showed him! I already like you, Eren. Things will
be much more interesting with you around. He can be so boring sometimes.” They
sighed and stared at the shut door, their face suddenly calm and contemplative.
“I fear he’s a lost cause.”
Their glasses reflected the oil lamp’s light as they returned Eren’s hesitant
smile with a wide, reassuring beam and then Hanji went on with their theories;
even more ardently than before.
Eren sipped his hot tea, happy about how it made the tired shivers go away and
how it warmed him. He started to understand why Levi liked it and soon poured
himself another cup that sadly emptied the pot.
The handkerchief was resting in his jacket’s pocket, directly over his heart.
- - -
Hanji was still talking to Eren when the messenger arrived in the morning,
putting a final end to their report. 
Eren would have been grateful for their interruption, hadn’t it been for the
bad news that made Hanji scream in distress: Both Titan test subjects the
Survey Corps had been able to catch during the battle of Trost had been killed
at dawn.
Levi didn’t lose time and ordered the whole squad to mount the horses as
quickly as possible to ride back into the city, an out-of-their-mind Hanji in
tow. As opposed to the previous day’s journey with baggage, provisions, and
supplies at a slow pace, they now urged the horses to a fast gallop that made
them cover the distance in a fraction of the time.
They quickly discovered there were only a few bones left, as well as a lot of
the usual steam of corrosion.
“Sonny! Beane!” Hanji yelled. Their cries soon turned into incoherent howls
that echoed all over the place, until their voice was hoarse. They pulled at
their hair and skipped around the place, evidently mourning heavily over their
loss.
While the Military Police crowded the place in their search for evidence Hanji
sunk to the ground. Silent tears ran down their cheeks, leaving wet, pale
trails on their dust-covered face. Their hair was in an even greater mess than
the night before and some ripped out tufts of hair were scattered in the sand
next to them as they constantly shook her head.
Eren’s hands tightened into fists as he resolved to put all his effort into
their experiments as soon as possible. But right now all he could do was watch.
Again.
Chapter End Notes
     Thanks to shulkie for the "walnut" line! <3
***** Chapter 3 *****
“She didn’t let you sleep at all, did she?” Levi stated as he and Eren reached
one of the military bases where they’d stabled their horses earlier. They'd
stay in the city for the night to witness Erwin's recruitment ceremony for the
104th Trainee Squad.
“No, Sir.” 
They walked past a few official looking halls and up the stairs.
“I’m sorry to be the one telling you that, Eren. But considering the events of
this morning, I guess her experiments with you will have to wait a bit longer.
She’ll surely begin as soon as she’ll rejoin us at the headquarter.”
“Good.”
“Mm.” Levi guided them into a sparsely furnished room with a simple cot and a
chair next to a provisional table under a window.
Eren suddenly had to know. Two days ago he’d only been curious about it but
over night it had become a more and more pressing question as he’d tried to
stay awake. “Captain? Can I ask you something?” He was still standing in the
entrance and turned around to close the door while Levi strode over to the
window.
“You just did, didn’t you?”
Eren was puzzled, but took this as a yes. “Is Hanji a woman or a man?” When
Levi averted his eyes from the window to Eren and raised his eyebrow in obvious
reprimand, Eren quickly added “I’d ask them myself, but I’d rather pass their
lecture about…other stuff afterwards.”
Levi snorted shortly; it almost sounded amused. “That truly does sound like
her, doesn’t it? It wouldn’t surprise me if there’d be detailed charts and
quizzes. She’d probably even give you homework assignments.”
“Better not,” Eren mumbled sheepishly. “Father already told me more than enough
when I was five years old. I thought it was gross.”
As Levi turned around completely Eren shrugged his shoulders, faintly realizing
that he was about to ramble. “He is a doctor. Or…was a doctor. We don’t know if
he is alive. You already know that, don’t you? Sorry.”
“Hanji doesn’t really mind how to be addressed as,” Levi gave away.
“You call her 'she'.”
“Obviously.”
Eren looked around in the room, waiting for further explanation or some kind of
order that never came. Lastly he couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “What
do we do now, Sir?”
“We wait, kid.”
“Isn’t that boring?” The question had mostly slipped out and Eren blushed
faintly. He hadn’t intended to undermine Levi’s authority.
“We wouldn’t want to show you around on the streets, would we? And I thought
you’d rather want to catch up on some sleep.” He pointed to the cot.
“I’d rather do something more useful.”
Levi blinked.
Eren didn’t flinch. When exactly during the last two days he had gotten used to
that stare? And why did he feel so at ease around it?
“What do you know about weapon maintaining?” Levi asked.
“What they taught us during training mostly: disassembling, reassembling,
trimming.”
“Have you ever sharpened and polished a knife before?”
“Yes.”
Levi fetched a jackknife out of his pockets, as well as a small, ashlar-formed
whetstone from his saddle bag, and placed them onto the rattly table. “Show
me.” He refolded his arms.
After searching for reassurance in his eyes and finding it Eren aimed for the
door across the room, glad to see that it lead to some sort of bathroom. It was
only a hunch that made him wash his hands. When he went back he saw Levi was
still staring at him in a funny way.
“It’s yours,” Eren simply declared as he sat down and reached for the stone
that looked different than the ones he was used to.
He placed the stone in front of him, took the weapon, and unfolded the blade.
The knife was well-balanced and it felt good in his hand. The wooden handle was
oiled and the short blade shimmered in the light. Used apparently, Eren
decided, but kept in good shape. A nice weapon.  He was just about to strop it
as Levi already interrupted him for the first time.
“No!”
Eren stopped in his movement and looked up at Levi, the blade hovering a
centimeter over the stone. “Sir?”
“This is a boiler scale, made from sandstone.”
“Oh, okay.”
“It only works right when you wet it beforehand, you idiot. You haven’t worked
with these before, have you?”
Was it that obvious? “No, Sir.”
“Then fucking tell me so.” Eren was relieved that Levi didn’t sound
disappointed, only annoyed. He didn’t snatch Eren the knife away either.
“Stay.”  Unfolding his arms again Levi stepped into the washroom as well and
came back with a cloth and a container filled with water. After that he left
the room completely to return with a second chair on which he sat down next to
Eren whilst rolling up his sleeves.
To Eren’s surprise Levi’s arms looked more bulky and muscular than he would
have anticipated by how they filled out the shirt.
“Place the stone into the water and let it soak in there for a few minutes.”
Eren watched as a considerable amount of tiny bubbles rose out of the stone
immediately as it was put into the water. “You said this… boiler scale?”
“Yes.”
“You said that it only works right like this. Why?”
“The water will bind the metal dust which you scrape off during stropping the
blade over the stone,” Levi explained. “It enhances the sharpening process.”
“I see.” Eren enjoyed the private lesson. And since Levi didn’t seem to mind
his questions, he went on. “So it is better than other whetstones, then?”
“I prefer it. It takes more skill to use it properly, but it achieves the best
results in my opinion.”
“What about whetting with a leather strap and polish?”
“You can do that too afterwards, yes.” Abruptly Levi looked up. “Do you have to
shave already?”
Eren blushed under the sudden personal question and contained himself from
touching the light fuzz on his face. “Ahem…not really.”
“By the sound of your voice it has already been breaking.”
“Um…”
“Do you already own a shaving razor?”
“No, Sir. Why?”
“I’ll talk to Hanji and Erwin. You should practise. We don’t want to have to
deal with an addleheaded Titan in the bathroom every fucking morning, just
because of some shitty beard growth and clumsy shaving routine.”
Eren fidgeted on his seat, suddenly feeling very fatuous. Levi was right. He
hadn’t thought about that before at all.
But Levi’s gaze had already turned back to his weapon on the table. “Treating
blades with leather and polish or oil enhances the sharpness,” he answered
Eren’s original question. Then he reached for his own razor in another pocket.
“Furthermore,” he continued, “the oil is good for the metal so it doesn’t dry
out and embrittle.”
Resting his left underarm on the table to steady it Levi ran the unfolded blade
over the dark hairs growing there with some scratching sounds.
Eren watched. And wondered where this odd hope that Levi knew what he was doing
and wouldn’t hurt himself came from.
“See how the razor cuts through the hairs against their direction of growth?”
Eren leaned closer. Levi smelled like soap, leather, horse—in a good way—and
something else. Tea? “Yes.” Indeed. Where Levi had executed the cut his skin
was left completely bare. Eren wanted to run his fingers over the spot but held
himself back. He inhaled for air again. Definitely tea. It was compelling and
unnerving at the same time.
Levi changed the direction of the blade’s movement, making just as many hairs
fall down to the table board. His eyes were fixed on his task and a black
strand of his fringe fell onto his forehead as he tilted his head. “If it works
the other way around just like this the sharpness is fine. You can only achieve
that with additional leather treatment.”
“Shouldn’t I always use it then?” Eren concluded.
“Not necessarily,” Levi replied while he carefully cleaned the razor. “It
depends on the blade and what you want to do with it. As you already might
know, a blunt blade inflicts much more pain than a well-sharpened one. However,
the latter is more effective for cutting. Also, keeping it this sharp requires
constant work.”  He folded the razor and put it away again. After wiping his
scattered hairs off the table Levi stood up to wash them away in the bathroom
sink. Then he returned to his chair and jerked his head at the container.
“Get the stone out of the water and place it onto the cloth. Now take the knife
and hold it at a flat angle.”
“Like this?”
“No.” Levi reached out to Eren’s hands to adjust them. “Remember this angle for
the other side.”
Eren found himself observing Levi’s fingers. They were gracefully built and
pale, but firm and calloused. Kind of rough. But their touch was surprisingly
gentle. Eren forced himself to relax his fingers enough that Levi could correct
his grip but not so much that he’d drop the blade.
“And now, strop the blade over the stone a couple of times,” Levi proceeded.
“The direction isn’t too important at the beginning of the process.”
Eren followed the instructions. After a few strokes the water on the surface
began to visibly turn murky and a little smeary. “Is that grey stuff in the
water from the scraped off metal you were talking about?”
Levi nodded. “Yes. And from the sand as well. Now run the entire blade over the
stone a few more times, but only from the cutting edge to the thicker end. Now
the other side. No.” His hand reached out for Eren’s again to readjust them
slightly. “More like this.”
He let go again and Eren continued sharpening for a while before he asked. “How
do I know which angle is correct?”
“Mostly I go with the blade itself. The thinner it is forged the more flat I
usually want the angle to be. A thicker blade gets a less flat angle– eyes on
the knife, Eren! You’re holding a goddamn weapon!”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Whatever you choose you should stick with one angle for each blade. That’s why
this method is more advanced than others. You’ve been learning with a clamp
whetstone.” It didn’t sound like a question.
Eren understood. “Oh! So that was to assure a fixed angle?”
“Mm. Those things aren’t bad, but like I said, I prefer boiler scales. Try a
few things out and chose your own method. Each one has its advantages.”
“Like what?”
“For example, the whetstones used with the clamp method don’t dissipate as
quickly as this one. You should keep an eye on the surface. If it gets concave
or uneven you should get a new one soon.” He paused. “I think that’s enough for
this side as well. Finish it.” Eren did. “Now rinse the smear off the blade and
dry it.”
“Do you’ve got oil?” Eren asked. He wanted to do this properly—this wasn’t his
weapon after all.
“Yes. I’ll fetch it. Meanwhile you wash the stone and set it out to dry.”
“Yes. Thank you, Sir. For the lesson, I mean.” Eren beamed.
“You asked, didn’t you?”
- - -
Arriving back at the HQ meant resuming the abandoned tasks from the day before.
After stabling their horses most of them immediately tended to weeding the
courtyard. For Eren, however, it meant catching up on his resilience training
with Levi and more extra hours on horseback first.
Notwithstanding the military’s horses were a special and enduring breed, they
mostly went on a slow to medium pace. They’d already been riding quickly for
somewhat more than two, almost three hours already and Levi didn’t find it
necessary to continue with their prior speed.
That didn’t keep him from letting Eren try out different maneuvers though. Eren
had to evade obstacles, jump over roadblocks, and shoot out of the saddle with
his gear. Levi ordered forced shift in direction, abrupt change in pace, quick
mounting in variable scenarios, and reminded Eren to keep on communicating with
his mare.
Every now and then Levi corrected Eren in his drills, telling him how to move
differently and more efficiently. At least he tried to.
Sharpening knifes and explaining the process in detail whilst calmly sitting
next to each other at a table was one thing. Complicated movements of the whole
body whilst riding through the woods were a whole different matter.
“Move less but more precisely, you fuckwit!” Levi snarled. “Don’t wave your
arms like that—where’s your sense of body control?”
Eren tried again.
“Now you’re just cramping up.”
“Yes, Captain. Sorry.”
“Now you’re whirling your arms again! What the fuck is wrong with you?”
When the sun had passed its zenith Eren had learned a whole new range of
insults. Strangely they gave him more grit to do good than simple instructions
and little by little he got the hang of how to put them to a use.
When Levi indicated training was over Eren aligned his horse with Levi’s and
they started to head back.
Their return passed without talking and it felt nice this way. It gave Eren
time to go through his drills once more and he repeated what he had learnt so
far in his head. In the meantime he enjoyed the sound of their horses’ hooves
on the forest floor and their frequent snuffle. Sometimes it was interrupted by
a chirping bird and the breeze in the trees. Now and then a woodpecker hammered
against a bark.
After a while Eren’s thoughts drifted off and he dared to peer over to Levi. He
didn’t know if it was due to the exercise, their whereabouts or something else
entirely. Whatever it was, as far as Eren could tell Levi seemed quite
comfortable as well. With moving under the blue sky and surrounded by trees,
his eyes seemed to be more vivid, shining in a clear grey.
It kept on astonishing Eren how many versions of Levi he’d come to know so far.
Every time he thought that he’d wrapped his mind around him, Levi did something
completely unexpected again. It was like trying to figure out a locked box that
Eren desperately wanted to open.
He lifted his hand to his jacket’s left pocket where Levi’s handkerchief was
still tucked away, neatly folded. Levi hadn’t asked him to give it back and
Eren hadn’t offered. In an undisturbed moment this morning he had gotten it out
to sniff its still flowery scent again and had felt something inside of him
dissolve. It hadn’t made him cry again, only smile. Just like now.
Then he remembered yesterday and the feeling of rangy fingers on his. Right now
they were holding the reins of Levi’s horse. And Eren, observing as much of
them as he could from a couple of meters away, decided they reminded him of the
muscular arms attached to them.
His eyes wandered up to study Levi’s face again. Whichever way he looked at it,
Levi had an unprepossessing appearance. Not that it mattered. Still, he
wondered how Levi would look laughing. Everyone looked beautiful whilst
laughing, right? Would Levi chuckle out loud? Probably not, Eren decided. He
wished to– suddenly Levi looked at him in return and Eren quickly averted his
eyes. Even if it felt absolutely tantalizing, Eren knew he shouldn’t let this
get to him, whatever this was.
But a persistent warmth spreading through his veins whispered to him it might
already be too late for that. His fluttering heart only confirmed it.
- - -
Two days later Eren found himself helping Petra preparing their porridge,
yawning behind his hand and staring blankly into the small kettle.
“Are you alright, Eren?” Petra asked. “You’re looking pale.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get too much sleep the last two nights.”
“Oh.” She sounded genuinely concerned. “It must be cold down there. Do you need
more blankets?”
“Isn’t the dungeon good enough for you, Eren?” Auruo added as he joined them in
the kitchen.
“Do you intend to sound like Captain Levi again?” Petra asked in return.
Eren, sensing they were about to start one of their fights again, quickly
intervened. “No, it’s not like that. I’m just not used to the silence at night
yet, I guess.”
“So you’re complaining about not having to share your room? You should enjoy it
while it lasts, you know,” Auruo mentioned.
“No, Sir. I’m not complaining.”
“Well, good. You shouldn’t.”
Petra stood with her hands on her hips. “Auruo!”
It can’t be helped, Eren thought, and blended their bantering out. He truly
didn’t want to complain. Dungeon aside, having a room just for himself had been
such a nice prospect in theory. Actually experiencing it was oddly desolate.
As soon as he’d been in his bed on his first night here an unfamiliar silence
had settled around him. How he had wished for quietness when he had to rest in
the dorms. Now he just longed for the noises to be back. He missed Armin’s
sleep-mumbling, Marco’s low snore, and even Connie’s constant turning around in
his bunk bed that made the the wood squeak. He missed how they would sometimes
talk until late at night. Damn, he even missed his arguments with Jean.
Even in the courthouse’s cell he’d never been entirely alone with the guards
around. And during their stay in the city after the recruitment ceremony he’d
shared a bunk room with the others from his squad. It had been different too,
and the others had been bound to maintain a vigil, but comforting.
In the dungeon downstairs he suddenly was able to hear his own thoughts and it
only made him think more.
His own noises sounded strange. His breathing for example: Did it always sound
this weird? And had it always been rustling in the blanket like this when it
would move his chest? Up and down and up and down…
When his feet had kicked the blanket away it had been too cold, so he’d
retreated it and endured the rustling. The sounds of his pillows every time
he’d moved his head had been echoing eerily between the stone walls of the
mostly empty room. At first he had tried to cover his ears, but then he had
heard his heartbeat—it had been odd as well—and he had let his hands sink to
his sides again with a sigh. And last night hadn’t really been better.
Was it always like this when you didn’t share a room with someone? Was this why
Levi always seemed to be so tired?
“Ouch!” Auruo interrupted Eren’s thoughts. When Eren turned around Auruo was
already pressing a handkerchief against his mouth.
“I think the porridge is done, Eren,” Petra mentioned. “You can stop stirring.”
“Oh, right.”
“You’re not used to kitchen work yet, are you?”
“No,” he admitted. “Is it that obvious?”
She smiled. “Don’t worry. We will teach you.”
It was a new experience having to do laundry and cook suddenly. Back at the
Trainees Camp they hadn’t had to take care of that on their own. They only had
to stand in a line and take a plate, respectively drop off and fetch their
clothes.
Yesterday he had joined Gunther in the kitchen; it had been a taciturn hour.
Eren had peeled potatoes, cut stuff, got out the dishes and tidied up while the
other had done the actual cooking, occasionally telling Eren what he did and
why. How much food to count in for how many people. What each of the others
liked or disliked. How to know when something was cooked.
Eren had tried to keep up but most of it he’d already forgotten by now.
Gunther’s explanations hadn’t been nearly as comprehensible as Levi’s, instead
they had been short-spoken and also kind of jumbled.
The only thing that he still remembered clearly was that the kitchen knives
were unbelievably blunt and in his tiredness his mind drifted away to his
sharpening lesson again.
Boiler scales…he had to get one of those.
He looked up from the steaming pot. “Does one of you know where I could get a
boiler scale from?”
“For sharpening?” Petra enquired.
“Yes.”
“I could lend you mine if you’d like. But if you want one for your own I’d talk
to Levi or Erwin maybe. Or Hanji; she usually takes care of ordering and buying
all the equipment we need when we’re out of town.”
“Thank you.”
“Yes, but he is such a nut job,” Auruo chipped in. At first Eren wondered why
Auruo would speak so ill about Levi and wanted to defend the Captain. It took
him a moment to understand that Auruo was talking about Hanji actually. “I’d
rather ask Captain Levi or the Commander.”
“Thank you-u,” Eren yawned again and Petra patted his shoulder.
“I am sure it will get better,” she assured him kindly. “I’ve always got
trouble with sleeping at new places myself. It always smells differently and
the noises are strange, aren’t they? It just takes time to get accustomed to
it. Luckily the mattresses here are great.”
“Yeah.”
She rose another smile. “And hey, your friends will arrive with their squads
soon. Maybe a little more business during the day will be good for you as
well.”
“Yes,” he smiled back. “Thank you, Petra.”
“You’re welcome.”
***** Chapter 4 *****
Eren's riding drills proceeded. And since they had finished weeding the
courtyard and cleaning the headquarter, Levi subsequently announced their first
squad training.
It was an experience for itself. Petra, Auruo, Gunther, and Eld flew through
the forest with such an immense speed that Eren quickly fell behind. But even
they were no comparison to Levi, who dashed ahead like a bolt.
They are all so fast and powerful, Eren thought in awe as he tried to keep up
with the others. He loved the challenge of the hard training though and that
everybody did their best, so he pushed himself even further. When Levi nodded
in approval in the end, Eren felt elated and was looking forward to the
experiments with Hanji.
He didn’t have to wait for too long. Hanji, eager to start with the experiments
themselves, had decided to arrive earlier than initially planned and awaited
them after their training. They talked to Levi and both came to the agreement
that it would be best to have the first few shifting trainings before the other
squads would arrive.
Two hours later Eren stood at the bottom of a well, his heart beating
frantically in his chest, and his hands covered in blood, convulsed with pain.
Another two hours later he was vomiting into the grass while Levi—Eren wasn’t
exactly sure why because he definitely wasn’t very nice to look at right
now—was kneeling next to him.
“I think that’s enough for today,” Levi called over his shoulder.
“Ah, Levi!” Hanji moaned. It sounded like they were still standing next to the
Titan skeleton. “Can’t we try again?”
“No.”
“Just one more time…”
“Not today. Petra, make the horses ready.”
Petra’s answer came from nearby. “But, Captain, yo–”
“This in an order.” His voice was calm and allowed no objection.
“Yes, Sir.”
This was so completely different than Eren had hoped. Why did his own body
betray him like this? The memory about how willingly Petra had been to draw her
swords against him, directly followed by Auruo, Gunther, and Eld, made Eren’s
stomach retch again.  Just this morning Petra had comforted him in the kitchen
over a cauldron of porridge. Auruo had shown him how to make tea. Eld had
encouraged him during training.
And now…this.
“Here,” Levi said and passed Eren a canteen. “It’s water.”
“Thank you, Sir.” Eren took the bottle. Before he drank a generous gulp he
washed his mouth first, spitting the water to the side where Levi wouldn’t see
too much of it. He heard approaching footsteps in the grass.
“I’m so sorry Eren,” Hanji said. Despite their obvious urge for clarification
they sounded worried. “Are you alright?”
Levi looked up at them. “Tch. He was just covered in Titan slime and barfed,
shitty glasses. What do you think—that he has the fucking day of his life?”
“I’m fine, thank you, Hanji,” Eren muttered, now seeing that they were
accompanied by their assistant Moblit. “The water helps.”
He was grateful for whatever it was that made Hanji this strange. They didn’t
judge him quickly, they even were kind to him. And luckily Levi didn’t judge
him either. He hadn’t been afraid, too.
'Stand back!'  
Levi even had protected him. And he was still crouching on the damp grass next
to him.
“I am sorry, but I have to ask while it is still fresh.” Hanji got out a
notebook. “Do you know why you shifted, Eren? What did you do differently? Did
you intend to not finish the Titan?”
Eren wiped his mouth and sat back on his heels. “No. And I don’t know. My hand
hurt when I stretched for the spoon and it suddenly happened.”
“Are your hands still wounded from before?”
He looked at them before he answered. “No.”
“We should talk about this at the headquarter,” Levi intervened and stood up.
“Eren, can you ride?”
“Yes.”
“Then let’s go before someone pisses themselves.”
Gloom and jumpiness hung over their return like a dark cloud and Eren could
feel four pairs of eyes on him, suspiciously observing him all the way. Despite
their apology and their proof of trust in Eren as they bit into their own hands
later that evening, Eren could feel their leeriness like a wound. At least
Hanji had come up with a theory how the shifting might work, so they could try
again soon.
Eren was pacing through his room when Levi came down to lock the door. To
Eren’s surprise Levi handed him a small pouch.
“What is this, Sir?”
The bag was heavier than Eren would have guessed and its content clanked as he
took it. His first thought was that they would have to chain him to the bed
again. No, Eren thought, Levi wouldn’t give him his own chains in a bundle,
would he? And the clanking sounded more like glass than metal anyway.
“It’s your shaving equipment.” Levi explained.
“Oh.” They really had thought about that? “Thank you.”
“Hanji said you should try in her company for the first few times. Just until
we can be sure you won’t shift if you incidentally cut yourself. Better not
take the risk.”
“Of course.” Eren gulped and sat down on his bed, suddenly feeling spent.
“Will you be alright for the night?”
The considerate tone in Levi’s question made Eren look up at him. “Yes, I guess
so.”
“Good.”
“I still can’t believe they bit into their hands,” Eren thought out loud. Their
gesture had been a shock to him and whenever he closed his eyes he saw their
injuries.
“They want to prove their trust in you and want your trust in return.”
“But it must have hurt.”
Levi didn't respond.  
"And their wounds won’t heal like mine.”
“No,” Levi affirmed simply. 
Eren fell silent.
“Do you need me to prove my trust as well?” Levi asked.
“No!” It came out louder than intended and Eren winced at his own, shrill echo.
'Get away from him.'
“No, Sir.”
“Hm.”
Before he could change his mind Eren rested the bundle carefully on his lap and
fumbled with his jacket to get out the handkerchief. It had been in his pocket
all the time; he’d only taken it out to wash it as properly as he could have
managed without attracting someone’s attention. It hadn’t been offered to him
in secrecy, but it was strangely private and he hadn’t felt the need to show it
around.
He swallowed as he gave it back. “This is yours. Thank you, again. I know it’s
not as clean as you’d prefer it but…well. Here.”  The fine fabric was crumpled
now because he hadn’t found the opportunity to iron it yet, but he had folded
it decently again.
Levi eyed him with a blink. “No.”
“Huh?”
“Keep it.”
What? Eren wanted to keep it. So badly. Even after washing it, its original
scent still clung on to it as it slowly mixed with his own and the mere thought
of Levi presenting him with it made him want to smile. But…
“But it’s yours.”
“I’ve got more. And you might need it again.”
Eren thought of Hanji and the image raised him a weak, yet affectionate, smile.
“Thank you.”
Levi jerked his head at the bag. “Tell me if four-eyes forgot anything.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Night, Eren.”
“Good night, Captain.”
As Levi’s footsteps faded away after he’d locked the door, Eren opened the
small package. It contained a razor blade with a dark wooden handle that felt
smooth and smelled oleaginous. He rolled up his sleeve and unfolded the shiny
blade. It was unbelievably sharp and cut through the hairs on his underarm,
like Levi had demonstrated him, like it was nothing. After blowing over the
blade and wiping it clean he refolded it and placed it next to him on the bed
before viewing the rest of the bag.
Eren found a little container with soap, a bushy brush like he’d seen the
others use during their matutinal bathroom visits, a leather strap that was as
long as his underarm, a bottle with a light-coloured fluid that smelled tangy
but nice, and a small bottle of polishing oil.
And underneath all that, wrapped into paper to keep it from damaging the other
items and making his heart bump against his ribs, lay a boiler scale. Just like
the one he’d used a few days ago. He hadn’t asked Levi or anyone for it after
speaking to Petra and Auruo this morning.
And yet, here it was.  As he unwrapped it a note sailed down to the floor and
he picked it up. The writing on the small piece of paper was short, thin faced
and neat.
 Use it well.
“I will.” Eren solemnly swore to himself.
- - -
Levi made his way back to his own room up the stairs. It had been a long, not
to mention eventful, day and the pile of paperwork on his desk promised that a
busy night lay ahead of him as well.
As always he was welcomed by the faint smell of tea and soap. Wherever he went,
at least this remained the same—his constant in an ever-changing world. The
flame of the matchstick hissed in the otherwise quiet room as he enkindled it
to light an oil lamp. It instantly started to glow and cast its flickering
lights and dancing shadows throughout the office.
He freed himself from his jacket and harness and hung them up on provided
hooks. Then he removed his boots and placed them neatly next to the entrance
before he went into the bathroom to wash the day off his hands.  A short peek
at his exhausted reflexion in the mirror told him it would be time to cut his
hair again soon. The strands were almost too long and threatened to stick to
his cheeks when he would sweat. He pulled at a wisp of his fringe and squinted
at it. In a few days, he estimated.
After considering it for a moment he decided to brew himself some tea. He
padded to the chest of drawers on which he kept his own, private, stash of rare
leaves. It wasn’t that much, he couldn’t afford it anyway, just enough for an
occasional dose of luxury. But today he could use a cup.
Levi opted for an only slightly fermented black tea, his favourite these days,
that tasted almost grassy and fresh. While he filled the tea kettle with water
from a big mug and let it come to a boil on the small stove, he reviewed the
happenings of the last hours in his mind.
So Eren truly was a Titan.
He hadn’t doubted it before. However, seeing it with his own eyes—feeling the
blast wave, hearing the booming noise that came with it, and seeing Eren
merging with hot Titan flesh—wasn’t something one could simply shake off.
A knock rang out.
“Come in,” Levi answered and nodded when Erwin’s tall figure appeared in the
doorframe. “I should have known you’d come here tonight and see me. Tea?”
“What a rare honour,” Erwin closed the door behind himself. “Yes, please.” He
sat down in front of Levi’s desk, crossing his legs.
“You’ve come to enquire after Eren, I suppose.” Levi fetched a second cup and
poured the now boiling water into his tea pot before closing the lid.
“Indeed. I just spoke to Hanji and Moblit. As I heard you all had quite an
exciting afternoon.”
Levi snorted in response.
“How is he?” Erwin asked.
“He said he will be alright.” Levi placed the tea pot onto a coaster on the
desk top and sat down as well.
Erwin nodded. “There were complications with the shifting? Hanji only let me in
on the theory. I’d like to hear about your observations.”
“Apparently he has to have a certain task in mind before he can transform.”
“Yes. We didn’t know that before. Eren didn’t either. He tried anyway?”
“Oh, he tried. If we wouldn’t have stopped him he might have chewed his hand
off.”
So much blood. Levi had already seen a lot of shit in his life but this self-
mutilation thing being an inevitable trigger for Eren’s shifting was truly
fucked up. And yet, Eren hadn’t complained about the pain once.
“What made him shift in the end?”
“He grabbed for a stupid spoon and hurt his hand accidentally whilst reaching
out. Startled us and himself. It wasn’t even a full transformation. He truly
simply wanted to get to the fucking spoon.”
“Interesting. How did everyone react?”
“Hostile. Understandably, even though the whole racket was completely uncalled-
for. He couldn’t have done anything with that lame excuse of a half-finished
Titan in the first place. They had to be held back from attacking.”
“And Eren?”
“Nearly panicked until he told them to shut up. And then he ralphed.”
Levi hadn’t been surprised by Petra’s resolve, but he had been caught off guard
by Eren’s guts and his subsequent hurt. The kid trusted easily and relied on
that trust in return. Normally Levi avoided working with people like that if he
had the choice, he liked them suspicious. It helped them survive…at least for a
while.
“I see.” Erwin averted his eyes to his intertwined fingers for a moment before
looking at Levi again. “Do we have to worry that they won’t work as a team?”
Levi held Erwin’s gaze. “No.”
“Good.” 
By now the tea was ready. Levi got out the leaves and poured Erwin and himself
a cup. The colour was perfect, light brown, almost golden even, and clear. A
short moment of rightness.
“What are you serving me today?” Erwin asked.
“Something special.”
“Isn’t it always?” Erwin smiled and took a sip with an approving hum.
They drank and Levi relaxed a bit at the calming taste. He tapped his fingers
against the china as he let the flavour wash over his senses and gazed into his
cup.
“You’re brooding,” Erwin noted. “Is it about the next mission?”
Levi collected his thoughts before he answered Erwin’s question. “Eren is a
strange kid. Very eager to learn. Determined.” He frowned. “Oddly passionate
and ingenuous in his choices. There’s no bullshit with him.”
“Go on.”
He’s tiring me, Levi thought. Whatever he had expected; he hadn’t anticipated
Eren’s virtually inexhaustible energy. Along with his positive eagerness and
heated temper it was overwhelming.
And these eyes…
“He won’t stop until the end,” he said finally, pushing the other thoughts
away.
Erwin laughed shortly. “Is that a bad thing?”
“Not necessarily. But he won’t live long like this.”
“Do they ever?” Erwin pondered grimly.
They fell back into silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts. When
Erwin was finished with his tea he took his leave with a thankful nod.
Alone again, Levi began to read. After a few pages he sighed in defeat, stood
up, and fetched the empty tea cup that had been bothering him since the moment
Erwin had left. He cleaned it in his bathroom, toweled it dry, and placed it
back onto its rightful place on the drawer before tending to his paperwork
again.
Early in the morning he woke up in his chair. A few minutes after four, he
estimated. The tea had long been finished and he had fallen asleep with the pen
in his hand.
He stretched and took his own cup and the teapot into the bathroom to wash it
in the sink as well. While he rubbed away the residues of the tea he
recapitulated Eren’s worn-out expression directly after his transformation and
his downcast demeanour all evening. It had only lifted when Levi had told him
to keep his handkerchief.
What an odd kid, indeed.
He slipped back into his harness, boots, and jacket, fetched his 3d maneuver
gear, and put out the oil lamp. That being done he went outside for his morning
drills in solitude before the rest of the castle would wake up and he’d get
Eren out of his cell.
- - -
Shaving, Eren decided quickly, was a pain in the arse. To know that the blade
was sharp was one thing. To experience it on his face, however, meant cutting
himself over and over again. His perpetual impatience didn’t help. It only made
things worse and his hands kept being unsteady while he groaned in
exasperation.
Hanji was of no help either. Whatever they were, they didn’t have to shave and
had no clue how to explain it to Eren.
“I’m so sorry, Eren,” they sighed.
“It’s alright, Hanji. I’ll just have to practise, I guess.”
“I’ll ask Levi to show me again.”
Eren held back his question when Hanji had ever seen Levi shave himself or if
he could join them the next time. Ever since he had seen Levi’s underarms he
longed to see more. Maybe Levi would wear no shirt at all whilst shaving. Maybe
even no pants. Maybe only a towel…
Eren's hands sank down at all the possible images in his mind and not for the
first time he was very grateful to whoever had decided that the concealing
apron had to be part of their uniform.
“I do wonder how they all do it,” Hanji thought out loud. “Maybe the solution
here truly is simply practising. I can dissect an animal perfectly and even cut
through cells at the exact right point, but this?” They threw their hands up in
the air and handed Eren a towel to wipe the blood off his cheek.
“Does it hurt?” they asked with concern. “We could apply some numbing salve.”
“No. I’m fine. The blade is sharp enough. It only stings afterwards.” 
“Well. Be prepared for the aftershave. Oh, that’s right, we should try that as
well while we’re at it. Here.”
Hanji handed Eren the bottle with the light-coloured liquid and he poured a bit
of it into his hands before clumsily distributing it onto his face with a
surprised gasp.
“Is it supposed to burn like this?”
“Disinfection, Eren. Isn’t it wonderful?” Hanji scratched the back of their
head and started to mumble. “Not that you need it, now that I think about
it…ah, well.”
Eren liked Hanji just for him being able to ask them questions that even
sounded silly in his own head, without having to risk being laughed at. “Why
does it smell so nicely then?”
“To woo us girls, of course,” they grinned. “Or us boys…whatever you prefer.”
“Oh, right.”
“You still haven’t decided?”
“Huh?” Eren felt his ears turn warm.
“About what I am to you?”
“Oh,” he exhaled. “No. Is it important?”
“Not at all. Take your time.” Hanji didn’t pursue the topic any further and
didn’t comment on his blush. Instead they started questioning him about
shifting and explained him the theory of their upcoming experiments.
They were interrupted when Moblit knocked on the door, telling them it was
about time to begin, and they made their way to the well again.
Apparently Hanji’s conclusions about Eren’s shifting triggers had been right.
When he bit into his hand that noon he transformed and even stayed conscious.
Everybody remained more or less calm, no one drew their swords, and after a
while their unease seemed to fade.
When they were finished Hanji called it a full success and Eren sighed when he
mounted his mare again, promising her an extra portion of hay and a nicked
portion of sugar.
He rode next to Petra, glad that her cordialness was back, and he answered her
willingly when she asked him to tell her more about being in Titan form. Soon
they laughed again and quickly fell back into their prior familiarness. Auruo
joined them and instantly bickered with Petra about the weather prospects.
Gunther and Eld weren’t shooting distrustful gazes at him as well and Levi
remained his usual inscrutable self.
They returned to the headquarter almost simultaneously with the arrival of the
other squads. And even though the experiments had tired Eren, his excitement
came back when he spotted a few well-known faces, first of all Mikasa’s and
Armin’s. He stabled his horse and excused himself before hurrying over to greet
them all. He hadn’t realized how much he had actually been missing them.
They all were here—even Jean to his surprise—and Eren grinned widely, happy to
see them again. The news about Marco’s death quickly overruled his joy about
their reunion though, causing an awkward silence on both sides.
Most of them scattered off to move into their rooms after they’d received their
uniforms. Only Armin and Mikasa stayed and let Eren show them around the
castle.
“So, Marco truly is dead,” he began. They were standing in his room in the
dungeon after Mikasa had asked him where he slept.
“Yes.” Armin drooped.
“Does anyone know how?”
Armin shook his head. “No. Only that it happened during the clearing of Trost.
Jean found him. It is strange. Jean said Marco didn’t have his gear…but he was
fighting with us, wasn’t he?” It looked like Armin wanted to add something
else, but he stayed silent and bit his lip in contemplation.
“How have they been treating you, here?” Mikasa changed the topic.
“Good, actually.”
“They don’t hurt you, do they?”
“What? No!”
“What do you do during your days?” Armin wanted to know. “Is there any special
training?”
“We’ve just been starting with that yesterday. Up until then it has mainly been
cleaning and resilience training.” They looked at him with wonderment.
“Riding,” he explained.
Armin frowned. “Yeah, I’ve been worrying about that as well.” He indeed had
been moving stiffly. “But cleaning?”
“Yes.” Eren shrugged his shoulders. “There was a lot of dust that Captain Levi
doesn’t like at all and some mould in one of the bathrooms. And weeds–”
“It doesn’t sound right.” Mikasa interrupted him. “He should train you. Not
make you clean. Has he at least apologized to you yet?”
“There’s nothing to apologize for, Mikasa. Besides, he does train me and he
surely knows what he is doing,” Eren insisted. Mikasa hadn’t been here the last
couple of days and didn’t understand of course—she still had no right to judge
Levi. And Eren wouldn’t let her.
Mikasa looked grim. “If they do anything to you–”
“They won’t, Mikasa. I trust them. So should you.”
***** Chapter 5 *****
Shaving practise kept on being difficult. Since Eren achieved to stay in his
usual human form when he accidentally cut himself Hanji had declared it would
be alright for him to shave without supervision. Not that there was much to
shave to begin with, with the fuzz growing on his upper lip and cheeks, slowly
spreading to his chin and throat.
Once again he was grateful for his quick healing. After his first attempt he
had briefly looked like he had been fighting his way through a scrub covered
with thorns, and it remained like that for a couple of times. Especially on his
jaw. Why did chins have to have such a stupid shape and make shaving there
nearly impossible? However, he slowly got the hang of it and as his hands got
more skilled he also became faster.
It was fascinating so see how quickly the shaving made the razor’s blade blunt
and he practised with his leather strap and boiler scale. One day he took it
into the kitchen to whet their knifes there as well. As he walked past the
classrooms he caught a glimpse of someone sitting at one of the tables,
obviously asleep. He stopped to peer into the room. It was Levi. He must have
stayed in here after their instruction about how to cut Eren out of a Titan
earlier. The drawing had been wiped off the board by now and Eren averted his
attention to Levi again. His head rested on one of his arms on the table top
and he wheezed silently.
Cringing at the sound of a creaking floor board Eren snuck up to watch Levi’s
face. It was almost completely relaxed and he looked weirdly harmless like
this. He had a small wrinkle where his frown usually occupied his brow and his
fringe hung over his eyes like a dark curtain. Eren didn’t dare to move, didn’t
dare to smile or breathe even. He didn’t want to violate this peaceful moment.
But he couldn’t stay here either. So Eren broke away and—anxious to not make
any sound—slipped out of his jacked to drape it carefully over Levi’s
shoulders. It wouldn’t help much and Levi still wore his own jacket underneath
after all, but maybe it would warm him a little bit.
Skirting the creaking board from before Eren tiptoed out of the room. He took
one last glance at Levi, smiled silently, and closed the door without a click.
Then he continued his way into the kitchen and began his mission.
When he was finished and went back to his room to store the boiler scale there,
he heard Levi in the courtyard, chuntering orders and uttering his passionate
disgust at pollen. Eren’s jacket on the other hand lay neatly folded on his
bed. He lifted it up to his nose and smiled again before he slipped back into
it.
Later that afternoon someone cut his thumb. The wound wasn’t too big and
nothing serious apparently; but it was impressive how much blood could come out
of a single finger and how much of an uproar a nicely sharp knife in the
kitchen could make.
Levi was nearby and bandaged the hand after disinfecting it thoroughly, whilst
staring down the spiteful giggles around them—the man had fainted at the sight
of his own blood and had to be hoisted onto the chair. Eren, who was helping
with the dressing, told himself he wasn’t envious. He also kept on reminding
himself that his quick healing was actually something he just had praised this
very morning. 
“Your doing, I suppose,” Levi said to Eren as they where packing up the first
aid kit. The soldier was already back in the kitchen, a thick bandage around
his thumb, and stirring grimly in a pot of stew.
Not really knowing if he was in trouble or not Eren held Levi’s gaze. “The
knifes have been blunt, Sir.”
“Yeah, I know. They always are. You also polished them and oiled the handles.”
“Yes.”
“Mm.” Levi closed the kit. “Not bad.”
Eren, incapable of staying composed, visually straightened up and grinned.
The kitchen incident aside, Petra had been right. With the other squads joining
them at the headquarter the days were filled with life and the castle
constantly buzzed with noises. One could always hear someone train outside in
the yard, or gallop away on their horses. Someone laughing or fighting.
The only thing that annoyed Eren about having his friends back was Mikasa’s
leeriness against Levi. She had noticed how tired Eren came back from his
shifting experiments and repeatedly addressed that she didn’t like it.
“You said they wouldn’t hurt you.”
“They don’t, Mikasa,” Eren said defensively. “I’m simply tired.”
“Eren…” Armin began carefully.
“No,” Eren insisted. “It’s alright. Really. It comes from the shifting itself.
Hanji already has a few theories about that.”
Mikasa frowned. “I don’t trust her. She is…weird.”
“Well, I’m the one who is a Titan, so maybe I’m the weird one here.”
“That’s hardly your fault, Eren, is it?”
“Who knows?”
“She?” Armin interrupted them. “I thought Hanji was a man. You think he’s a
woman, Mikasa?”
“Yes,” she said. “Isn’t she?”
They looked at Eren.
“I haven’t decided yet,” he shrugged, suppressing a mischievous grin. “Ask them
yourself if you think it’s important.”
- - -
The next morning Mikasa shot Eren evil glances over the breakfast table,
muttering something about homework assignments and evaluation sheets into her
scarf. “You did that on purpose,” she said flatly.
“Well, you criticized my squad.”
Mikasa looked like she hadn’t slept all night and reminded Eren of Levi so
strongly with the dark circles around her eyes, that it was scary. Armin on the
other hand couldn’t hold back his laughter.
“Here, drink some tea,” Eren suggested in a peace-offering and slid her his
cup. “Auruo made it strong this morning. It will help.”
She growled in acceptance and Armin patted her shoulder. He looked tired as
well, but not nearly as much as Mikasa. She must have gone to Hanji on her own.
“Are there any conclusions?” Armin asked.
“Too many,” Mikasa said in a voice that sounded even more monotone than usual.
“Short summary. He, she, it, they, Mum, Dad…take a pick. She doesn’t mind. At
all. Even finds it interesting what you choose. So strange. Where’s sugar for
my tea. I need sugar in my tea.” Resolving it definitely would not be wise to
tell her now that Levi said sugar killed the flavour, Eren reluctantly spooned
her some into the cup, hoping he wasn’t being observed.
“Well that’s simple,” Armin said. “What did Hanji talk to you about then all
night?”
“Everything.” Mikasa took a sip from her tea. “More sugar.” 
When Armin looked at Eren who mouthed “everything” as well as he stirred
another spoonful of sugar into Mikasa’s tea with a roguish grin and a wink,
Armin giggled from anew. Hanji will probably be zealous at training this
afternoon, Eren thought.
“What’s so funny, Armin?” Connie asked as he sat down with a moan. “Damn that
muscle ache! Training with the Corps is torture.”
“Isn’t it awful?” Sasha agreed with him. She carefully sank down on an empty
seat between Eren and Connie and opposite to Mikasa. “My arms hurt, my legs
hurt, my arse hurts…so much. I can’t even shit without being in pain. This is
as bad as it gets, guys.” While she rubbed her lower back with a hand she used
the other one in an attempt to steal a spoonful of Mikasa’s porridge.
Mikasa’s hand snapped forward to stop her. Even in her half-doze her reflexes
were impeccable. “Don’t. Even. Try.”
“I’m sorry, Mikasa!” Sasha whimpered. “My portion is so small. It’s just–”
“You’re hungry,” they all finished for her in unison and she grinned
sheepishly.
“Yes. I’m missing meat.”
“Captain Levi said something about a hunt yesterday,” Eren said, ignoring Jean
who joined them with a harrumphed morning greeting and a rolling of his eyes at
Eren's mention.
Sasha’s head shot up. “Hunting. Really? When? How? What? Deer? There aren’t
bears here, are they? Bears,” she mused.
Eren shrugged his shoulders. “He said something about in two days or so. Our
squad will be staying for training and Hanji’s too, but some of the others will
go, I guess.”
“Hunting…” Sasha repeated with a beam, her eyes bright and misty.
“You’re drooling into your breakfast, Sasha.” Connie nudged her with his elbow,
instantly regretting it with a hiss.
“Doesn’t she always?” Ymir boomed and slapped Sasha’s back as she joined them
with Christa.
“Ouch!” Sasha cried. “Damn it, Ymir. That hurt!”
“Oh, no. It did? I most certainly did want that.” Ymir smirked and hit Connie
as well, who wailed.
“You are evil! Wait until I kick your arse during training.”
“Hell, yeah, you want to try, don’t you? Wait until I kick your arse during
training! Whining about some slight muscle ache…you’re such a bunch of
crybabies.”
“Ymir!” Christa sighed. “I’m so sorry, guys–”
She stopped in the middle of her speech, and the rest fell silent with her. The
stillness was so sudden and only interrupted by Ymir’s boisterous cackle and
Eren’s own chuckle, that he just wanted to ask what was wrong when–
“Eren.” The familiar voice came directly from behind him and Eren jumped in his
chair.
He turned around. “Captain.”
“Resilience training.”
“I’m not late, am I?” Tilting his head to the side Eren took a reassuring peek
at the clock that hung above the door to the kitchen.
“No, not yet. But you still have to prepare everything.”
Mikasa scowled, Jean sneered, his chin resting on his hand. Eren aimed a kick
at the both of them under the table before standing up. “I’ve already saddled
my horse and polished the gear before breakfast, Sir. So we can start
immediately.”
“Mm.”
Obviously unable to restrain herself any longer Sasha turned around on her
chair and let out a gasp. “Captain Levi.” She gawked at him, her mouth smeared
with some parts of her breakfast that she tried to wipe off with her
sleeve. “Is it true that someone will go hunting soon? May I help?”
“You’re the one who can use a bow,” Levi said. Eren could be wrong but he was
sure Levi’s hair was a bit shorter than earlier that morning when he had
unlocked the dungeon. “Sasha Braus, right?”
“Yes, Sir.” Sasha beamed and visually straightened up in her chair in a salute,
her spoon clenched in her right fist. “You’ve heard of me?”
Peering at her spoon and then back at her still daubed face Levi nodded. “Talk
to your squad leader.”
“Yes. Thank you, Sir!” She squealed, finished her porridge in record speed, and
rose from her seat in a hurry, knocking it over. At first it looked like she
would ignore the fallen chair but then she caught Levi’s piercing glare and
quickly decided against it at last second. She even took her empty bowl with
her.
Levi turned to Eren. “Ready?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Then come.”
They heard Sasha’s shouts of joy all the way to the main door and over the
courtyard that lay in the shadows of dark clouds that morning. Fog had been
creeping over the cobblestones earlier when Eren had prepared his mare. But by
now it had faded, leaving the scents of wet soil and moist grass in the
cool air, filling it with an inkling of rain. 
Another shrill squeak echoed through the headquarter, followed by a loud moan
that Eren recognized as Connie’s.
“It’s like she’s a second Hanji, isn’t it?” Eren pondered out loud as they
almost had reached the stables. With her brown eyes sparkling, her cheeks
glowing in a blush, and her brown ponytail flying around as she had fidgeted in
her seat earlier, the resemblance had been remarkable. They almost made the
same mess during eating as well.
Levi stared at him for a second with widened eyes, blinked, and abruptly
covered his mouth with a hand as he jerked his head away and stopped walking,
with a foot crunching on the gravel. His shoulders were hunched under his cloak
and even if he didn’t make any sound at all, his whole body shook. A few stray
strands of his hair hopped up and down on his head and it was like the sun had
come out. Levi was laughing.
He was beautiful.
Eren beamed so strongly that his cheeks hurt. This was all because of him and
by a fluke no one else was around to witness this. He didn’t want to share. For
a second he forgot about the war. He forgot about the Titans and about
Shingashina and his mother and everything about himself. He simply watched and
thrived in the warmth that spread through him at the sight, while his heart
wanted to burst and he tried to soak up every little detail to remember it
later.
“Training?” Eren asked after a few moments, still grinning.
Levi was already recollecting himself and cleared his throat. “Yes.” His eyes
were still a little watery and by the way he clenched his jaw he obviously had
trouble to keep himself composed. “And wipe that smug grin off your face,” Levi
growled, a not very convincing scowl back on his brow again.
“Yes, Sir!” Eren chuckled. “I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
“Oh, shut up!”
This promised to be a wonderful day.
- - -
The weeks passed by in a blur. Hanji conducted further experiments and Eren was
glad that they succeeded. In the meantime they continued their regular training
as squad. By now Eren could more or less foresee how the others reacted in
combat and Levi seemed to be satisfied with their progress as well.
Whenever he had a bit of free time he tried to spend it with Armin and Mikasa.
It was good to talk to them again, to have their wit back and their calm
presence. And in the mornings he mostly sat at their table before it was time
for his resilience training with Levi.
But as much as Eren liked to have breakfast with his friends, at dinner he
usually sat with his squad. They would talk about their day or about some
anecdotes from missions or about their families at home while Levi mostly
listened, and afterwards Petra or Auruo would brew them their tea. By now Eren
could tell who had made it without having to know beforehand. Auruo always made
it stronger and Petra’s tasted slightly less bitter. He loved their little
unofficial evening ritual and every passing day made it clearer to him, that he
was where he belonged.
All the more it went against the grain for him that Mikasa remained
forthrightly hostile towards Levi. Eren had repeatedly assured her that Levi
was neither bad nor gruesome. It was like talking to a wall and in the end he’d
given up trying.
“You know she might change her mind eventually, right?” Armin said one
afternoon when they’d met at the stables after their respective trainings.
They were standing in one of the boxes next to Eren’s mare, surrounded by the
carefree chatter of the other soldiers and the sounds of the horses. The sun
was burning on the headquarter and the stables smelled like heated wood and
straw and dust and horse.
“Yeah…I guess,” Eren answered absent-mindedly, wondering what Mikasa’s problem
was.
“She’s simply worried. So am I.”
“Worried? About what, Armin?”
“About you.”
“Why?”
Armin looked at him with a gaze that read really, Eren? but he let it slide.
“It’s just strange after being constantly around each other for all these
years. We all have to get used to it, I think.”
“Mm.”
“Hey, Eren!” Ymir interrupted them. She was spiked with hay from head to toes
and strolled over to them with big paces, her hands resting on her hips, her
freckles dancing on her cheeks and her mouth widened with a rompish grin. Her
lips looked swollen, her eyes were sparkling.
“Ready to be beaten at cards again after dinner, Titan Boy?” She smirked. “I’ve
been longing to see your ugly looser face again for weeks and you haven’t
joined us yet for once.”
“Hey, Ymir,” Eren smiled. “Sure.”
“Yes! Jean will be pissed—I love it. I’m counting on you, Eren.”
Armin looked her over and frowned. “Why are you covered in hay?”
“No reason. Christa looks worse.” She winked at Armin. “Jealous?”
“Not really.”
“Ha! You wish. Reiner’s already blubbering. So pathetic. Uh, Eren, what’s that
smell?” She sniffed and leaned closer. “Is that perfume? Nice! Go for it.”
“It’s called aftershave,” Eren explained.
“Uh-huh, right. Call it whatever you want. Anyway, see you later or I’ll
hunt you down.”
She threw her arms up in the air, gripped her elbows above her head, and left
them with a laugh and a short wave.
“Looking forward to it,” Eren called after her.
Then he caught Armin’s expression and his chuckle died in his chest. Armin
seemed to be in shock. His mouth stood agape, his eyes were widened, and his
face was white as a sheet.
“What?” Eren asked concerned.
“Oh, Eren…!”
“What?” he repeated.
Armin looked around and pulled them deeper into the box before he continued in
a lowered voice. “Captain Levi? Really?”
Blood surged to Eren’s face, all the way up to the tip of his ears.
“Why, Eren? He…” Armin obviously rung for words. “Why?” It almost sounded
desperate.
Eren shrugged his shoulders, not knowing how to answer.
It could have been irritating to be under constant surveillance. It could have
been awful to be bound to someone’s command who’d once kicked you to pulp under
the public eyes of a tribunal. It could have been terrible to have to depend on
some stranger to not kill you just because you were a Titan—and to rely on his
promise to the court that he’d actually would kill you if you should ever
become a threat. It all could have been a nightmare. Neither was the case.
Eren wouldn’t tell Armin about his reasons. About how Levi’s eyes would shine
under the sun and the rain, but appeared clouded during mixed weather. About
how he’d sneeze when he had been in the stables for too long and muffle it
before it could become loud. About how beautiful Levi looked like when he
laughed.
Nor would he tell Armin about his dreams or morning fantasies. It was the only
thing he loved about having a single room.
“I don’t know, Armin. It just…happened?” His mare snuffled into his ear,
tickling him again, and Eren absently stroked her mane.
“Well, now I know why Mikasa is so upset,” Armin exhaled.
“Huh?”
“You two aren’t…um…”
“No.” Eren looked at his feet.
“Will you just do me one favour?”
“What?”
“Be careful. I know you probably won’t listen to me anyway. But please, just…be
careful. Alright?”
Eren got angry in his bewilderment and stared at his friend. “Why wouldn’t I
listen to you? When did I ever not listen to you?”
“This is different. And it’s you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? That I’m stupid?”
“No, of course not. But a wall is a wall, Eren. No matter how often you want to
bash your head against it.” With that Armin exited the stables too, leaving
Eren alone with his horse and his thoughts.
Maybe, he mused. Maybe when we are back from the expedition…
- - -
One week later Eren stood next to the grave that read Petra Ral.
***** Chapter 6 *****
The graves were all empty, naturally. Of course that didn’t help Eren do deal
with it at all.
Petra. Auruo. Gunther. Eld.
He had thought, believed without a doubt, that they would all last and live
forever. He hadn’t even dreamed about their possible deaths. They had been the
best, so powerful. He’d been so juvenile and sure that they naturally would
outlive one single Titan… Of course they would.
They—he—hadn’t counted for Annie.
Annie.
He couldn’t even hate her. Why, Eren kept on asking himself, couldn’t he at
least hate her for what she had done? Because she indeed was behind all of
this, wasn’t she? He’d seen her with his own eyes. Had heard it in her laugh.
Had experienced it with his own fists. He had destroyed so much of a city, just
because of someone who he’d once called an ally. And a friend.
Now she was stuck in the strangest of sleeps and wasn’t even responsive to his
yells. He and Jean had spent hours and hours with her crystal in their mutual
attempt to wake her up. Jean with endless questions, Eren with pure rage.
Futile.
Eren sniffled, but forced the tears back, not allowing them to fall here. He
wasn’t entitled to them. His weakness had cost him a family. Their family, he
corrected himself whenever he looked at Levi. He saw it in Levi’s eyes and
heard it in his louring silence as well as in his sudden rambles. It was
visible in Levi’s resolve to walk without a cane.
Petra. Auruo. Gunther. Eld.
Eren granted himself one last glance at the empty graves. Then he turned around
and didn’t look back.
Eren was freed from constant surveillance and the court granted him the status
of an official member of the Survey Corps. By ruling he had to remain in a
single room at night, but he was allowed to move out of the dungeon. He would
have changed everything back to the way things had been instantly—if it only
meant for them to be alive again.
However, life continued. And the events kept on coming thick and fast. Reiner,
Berthold, and Ymir showed their true nature and escaped. Erwin lost an arm.
Mike, Nanaba and their squads were killed. Father Nick was murdered. News of a
mysterious Beast Titan spread. Titans were in the walls. Connie was awfully
silent. Christa—Historia—gloomy.
Levi seemed to simply move on. The only thing that held him back from
restarting the routine to the full was his sprained foot. Eren began brewing
Levi his tea and got hummed at for doing it all wrong. Levi drank it anyway,
until the pot was empty. And Eren tried again. And again. He kept on trying on
his own, stubbornly refusing to simply ask Levi to show him how to do it
properly.
The rest of his determination Eren put into his physical improvement. He
immersed himself back in his training and it helped. Eren never forgot—how
could he—but the spark inside of him came back. It not only spurred him on in
cultivating his rage and resolve; it also kept the grief at arm’s length.
That was until one evening, when a soldier came up to their table and thanked
Levi for handing him Ivan’s badge. In confusion Eren looked at Levi, saw him
nod, and when Levi put the tea cup back onto its saucer and the china rattled
shortly, Eren somehow knew.
Eren could only stare at Levi and exit the hall, his hands clenched into fists.
Talking himself into making it all the way to his room before he’d let himself
have this emotional outburst he stormed through the corridors.
He didn’t make it to his room. Blinded by his overflowing anger he ran into
Hanji. “Ah, Eren, here you are. I wanted to talk to you about Annie’s hardening
skills.”
“Yes, Hanji?”
“Do you think you could ha– what’s wrong, Eren?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re crying.”
“Huh?” He wiped his cheeks and was surprised to notice that they were wet. “Oh.
I’m sorry.”
“Never mind that.” Hanji fumbled with their pockets to get out a handkerchief.
It was covered in stains—Eren could identify ink and old blood amongst some
other stuff he didn’t recognize—and handed it to him.
“Thank you, I’ve got my own,” he said and got it out of his jacket. It had long
lost it’s original scent, but it still looked the same and the effect it had on
Eren remained the same as well. He blew his nose and dried his tears.
“Better?” Hanji asked, patting his shoulder.
“Yes. Um…what did you want to ask, Hanji?”
“It can wait until tomorrow.”
Their unusual patience when it came to their theories unsettled him. “No. I
really could use some distraction right now, if you don’t mind.”
“Very well. What about a glass of wine and a nice chat?”
“What?”
“I could use it too. Come on.” Hanji lead Eren to their office and offered him
to sit down. The room looked like someone had set off a Titan that had stomped
around. Papers were scattered everywhere, as were clothes, and all kinds of
technical instruments. Eren, used to Hanji’s chaos by now, stepped over their
junk on the floor and emptied the chair in front of the desk before taking a
seat.
“You came from dinner, right?” Hanji asked.
“Yes.”
“Mm.” Hanji used their teeth to pull the cork out of a previously opened bottle
of wine and poured each of them a glass.
“Did you know,” Eren began grimly as he received his glass, “that Captain Levi
gave a soldier a badge from one of our squad and told him that it was someone
else’s?”
“Ivan.”
“Yes. You did know.”
“Mm. It was Petra’s, I guess. Cheers!” They gulped their glass down in one go
and topped it up again. “Refill?”
“No, thank you.”
“They always die,” Hanji contemplated. They sounded so oddly solemn that Eren’s
fury about all the unrighteousness fulminated at once. What remained was
something empty.
“It shouldn’t be that way,” Eren pushed out.
“No. But we can do our best to honour them in going on and giving our all.”
“Yes.” He took a cautious sip from his wine, glad that it didn’t taste as awful
as the stuff that he remembered from Pixis. It was almost sweet and he let his
mind wander while he cradled the glass in his hand. “Does it ever get easier?”
“It doesn’t, no. And even if it did—it wouldn’t be a good sign concerning
ourselves, would it?”
He looked up at them. “How many have you lost, Hanji?”
“Too many,” they simply answered.
While he let the information sink in something that Hanji had said earlier got
his attention. “How do you know it was Petra’s badge?”
“It was the last one.” They said, lost in thought and staring into space. “He
does these kinds of things, you know?” Hanji snorted grimly and emptied their
glass again. “It’s why I like to call him walnut.”
Woman, Eren suddenly thought, not really knowing why. To me Hanji is a she.
He put aside his glass. “Hanji, tell me about Annie. Please?”
Hanji beamed, their cheeks glowing from the alcohol and their enthusiasm, and
began.
- - -
Early on the next day Eren found himself standing in front of a kettle with
porridge, yawning widely. He hadn’t slept and had talked with Hanji up until
now, but it had been worth it. They would begin with the new experiments soon
and give their all. Just like Hanji had said.
His mind drifted away to one similarly tired morning with Petra. Had it really
been only one month since then? Strange how a few days and weeks could change
everything. Now he knew how to make breakfast himself…and Petra and the others
were gone. Like some missing pieces of a puzzle that would never be complete
again.
He had just put the lid onto a pot of steeping tea as he heard a pair of
approaching feet. They were hobbling slightly and Eren didn’t have to check to
know who it was. “Good morning, Sir. The tea will be ready soon.”
“Mm.” Eren knew Levi wouldn’t approve to be fussed over, so he let him fetch
his own portion of porridge before he joined him at the table with the tea.
They ate and drank. It was too early for expecting company, but Eren didn’t
mind. Fortunately Levi was still here. He was alive. And as Eren watched him a
wave of tenderness crashed over him. The urge to reach out became almost
unbearable and Eren had to avert his gaze and bite on his lip.
Levi looked up. “What.”
“The porridge tastes bland,” Eren said evasively.
“The tea is not bad.”
Eren couldn’t hold back a hesitant smile. When they were finished he collected
their empty dishes and went into the kitchen to wash them clean.
Levi followed him and nudged him to the side before he rolled up his sleeves.
“I’ll do it. You can towel dry.”
Eren didn’t object and for a while there was nothing but the splashing of
dishwater and an occasional clanking of a bowl or cup on the bottom of the
sink. He tried to not look at Levi’s arms too much and to not bump against them
with his own arms and elbows.
Eventually Eren spoke again. “I’ll do better next time, Sir.”
“That’s all we can try to do. But you did good. You survived.”
You rescued me, Eren thought. Twice. He wanted to lift the gloom that hung over
them and an idea came to his mind. “Hey, what did the blanket say when it fell
off the bed?”
Levi raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, sheet!”
It was such a lame joke. But it worked. Levi paused, covered his mouth with his
underarm, his hands and wrists still wet and bubbly from the water, and shook
silently. It was the second time that Eren saw Levi laugh and he felt his heart
flutter in his chest like it was a caged bird.
“Yeah, I know,” Eren chuckled. “So bad. Just imagine. Sheet!”
Levi kept on shaking while Eren dried the last bowl.
When Levi was done he snuffled shortly. “So stupid,” he grumbled.
“Yeah, well—that’s me,” Eren smiled, but when he spoke again, he only muttered.
“Sorry to disappoint you.”
Levi frowned at him. His eyes were still a little wet from his amusement, but
there lay only earnestness in them. “You don’t, Eren. You haven’t,” he said
softly.
Suddenly the tenderness was back inside of Eren, threatening to overwhelm
him—just because of two simple sentences like that. Here he was, standing in a
paltry kitchen next to this amazing man that got under his skin and made his
stomach tingly. Levi had saved Eren from Annie in the forest and then again in
Stohess. He had injured his leg in that process and lost four soldiers. And he
was assuring Eren that he hadn’t disappointed him.
But what if Eren would some day? Eren’s fingers fastened their grip around the
bowl as he gulped and looked Levi straight in the eyes at his request. “When I
go rogue…you will kill me, won’t you.”
Levi’s gaze was firm as he observed him keenly. “Yes,” he confirmed finally. “I
trust in you that you won’t. But if you do, I will.”
Eren wondered how Levi could be so certain of such a doubtful thing, but the
affirmation in his eyes was like an oath and Eren relaxed in relief. “Good.”
The other feeling he locked away—deep, deep down inside of him—hoping that Levi
would never find out.
- - -
After Levi’s promise Eren put everything into keeping his own. And it began
with making sure that at least everything at their new headquarter fulfilled
Levi’s cleaning standards. However none of his friends understood and when Levi
arrived to join them at the farm…the whole place was a mess.
“I told you to do better,” Eren hissed at Jean on the next day when they were
re-cleaning the ground floor.
“How should I know that he checks the underside of the table? Who does that?”
Jean asked.
Eren let the teasing comment that Jean had just answered his own stupid
question slide. He had said that he’d do better and provoking a fight would
only have proven him wrong. At least he had made sure that Levi’s room was
spotless and taken care of it himself.
“You’ve been acting weird ever since that expedition, you know that?” Jean
said. “Are you okay?”
“Just shut up and clean.”
Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Sasha, Historia, and Jean. They all belonged to Levi’s
squad now, and even though Eren was grateful for their presence, they simply
couldn’t replace the four they had lost. Petra, Auruo, Gunther, and Eld.
Whenever things got too rough Eren thought about them and their names were like
a mantra that gave him the strength to go on.
For instance when he continued the experiments with Hanji and his Titan just
didn’t harden. They kept on trying and trying, but it just wouldn’t work, and
the next thing he knew he woke up in a bed with a heavy headache and strange
flashbacks. They worried him—they made him feel like he was losing himself. At
least he hadn’t hurt anyone. And he clung to Levi’s word.
Levi. How close Eren had been to kiss him in the kitchen. Only one step had
separated them—one single step. Eren had felt the proximity with every fibre of
his being, up to the point where goosebumps had covered his arms, his back and
his neck. The secret wish had only increased ever since and it followed him
constantly. Even in his sleep.
One day he awoke from a dream that had taken him back to that morning. Eren had
seized his chance and Levi had kissed him back. Levi was just about to press
his body against Eren’s when Eren shot up in his bed, his heart racing and his
cock so hard it almost hurt.
He groaned as he sank back and let his hand wander into his trousers. He
started to pump, desperate for touch, and closed his eyes again. He’d done this
before, but he’d never dreamed about Levi so vividly. It had felt like being
part of something real and terrific that now had been wrest away from him. So
he revived the false memory, imagining himself back in Levi’s arms, and he
moved his lips and tongue to sloppily kiss the air. It was such an awful
substitute, but it had to do while he tried to think about Levi’s scent and how
warm he’d been in the dream and how his lips had felt on his and how he’d
sighed into Eren's mouth with his deep voice and when Eren came only a few
seconds later he couldn’t hold himself back from whimpering Levi’s name.
“Fuck,” he gasped, staring at the ceiling. His cock in his hand gave one final
twitch and slowly went soft, while his heavy, irregular breath became more even
again. When his high had abated and the mess on his fingers began to cool
reality sunk in. Like every time.
He had to get over this obsession or whatever this was. It would—could—never
happen and even if it hurt, this was simply how life worked.
At least, he thought as he stumbled out of his bed to get himself cleaned up, I
still have a single room.
- - -
There came one gruesome evening when barbarous screams dominated the
headquarter. They had captured Nick’s killers and needed information. Nobody
could sleep that night.
Connie sat at the table in the kitchen, covering his ears and mumbling to
himself to fade everything else out, occasionally looking at Sasha who never
left his side with a sweaty forehead. Jean next to her ground his teeth and
Armin’s fingers twitched at every noise from downstairs. Every now and then he
peered at Eren and Eren could see that Armin was waiting for him to lose it. As
was Mikasa.
Levi had gone into the cellar earlier, looking more pale than Eren had ever
seen him before. Eren had seen Levi angry, he had seen him mourning and
grieving. He had seen his expression in battle and when he was in pain and
didn’t want to show it. He had seen him resigned and threatening. But when he
had met Levi before, all the other had worn on his face had been a blank mask.
Eren had never seen Hanji that fierce either. And he only hoped that, whatever
they had to do down there, they would overcome the horrors they had to deal out
that night.
When the screams finally faded after a few hours which felt like a whole
lifespan the others had given a grim sigh. All Eren could do was to keep
himself from biting his nails—he didn’t trust himself right now. One after
another excused themselves and went to sleep until Mikasa and Armin were the
only ones joining him. Eren told them to get some rest as well. And then he
waited.
He didn’t have to endure too long. He had just washed the other's dishes, wiped
the table, and taken his seat again, as he heard the door of the dungeon open,
then close, and Hanji and Levi emerged from the stairs.
“Sir? Hanji?”
They looked awful. Both were splattered with blood and their eyes lacked any
light.
“What are you still doing here, being awake, Eren?” Hanji asked, their voice
worn-out and hoarse.
“I wanted to wait for you.”
“Well, that’s very sweet of you.”
Levi slipped out of a rubber apron and a long rubber glove, that both glistened
with red, hung them over a chair with a disgusted distortion of his face, and
sank down at the table. He had never seemed this small. That he didn’t fold the
clothes or even wash his hands first told Eren more than he needed to know.
“Is there still tea?”
“Yes, Sir.” Eren gave him his cup.
Hanji ran a hand through their felted hair. “Levi, I’m going to write
everything down. Meet you tomorrow for round three.”
“Mm.”
“Good night, Eren.”
“Good night, Hanji.” He looked at Levi. “Any progress?”
“Hopefully.” Levi drank. “Thank you for the tea.”
“It’s the rest of the pot, but I can brew some more?”
“Mm.”
Eren stood up.
“Eren.”
“Yes?”
“There’s a black, metal box on the dresser in my room. Could you use the leaves
from that one. Please.”
“Yes, Sir.” He went.
It felt weird to enter Levi’s room without him, like he was doing something
forbidden. Eren almost creeped through it and felt silly for trying to make no
noise and touch as little as possible. There were three boxes standing on
Levi’s dresser, but only one was black and out of metal and he took it before
exiting the room again.
“As much leaves as usual, Sir?” he asked when he was back in the kitchen,
ignoring a piteous whimper from downstairs.
“No. Five teaspoons full. Heaped. Make it a whole pot and get yourself a cup as
well, would you.”
“Yes.” A few minutes later the tea was done and Eren poured each of them a cup.
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Mm.”
Levi took his cup and it was only when he lifted it, that Eren saw the fresh
blood and scraped open skin on Levi’s slightly shaking hand.
“You’re hurt!” Eren started up from his chair. “I’ll get the first aid kit.”
Levi watched his knuckles as if he’d just realized it himself. “Oh.” He flexed
his fingers.
With the kit on the table Levi slowly began to move and reach for it.
“Let me…” Eren said. “I’ll just wash my hands first.”
After doing so he began to disinfect Levi’s bruises and scrapes and wasn’t
entirely surprised when Levi didn’t flinch at the sting of the alcohol. Even
though Levi’s fingers were cold and limb in his own Eren noticed with easement
that the wounds were only superficial. His chest ached while he resisted the
temptation to kiss the pain away and pressed his lips together. Levi had
probably had worse, but that didn’t make this right. It only made Eren angry at
the two men downstairs.
“You won’t need any bandages, but we should apply some salve.”
“No, it’s fine.”
Eren got out the jar anyway. “It will help, Sir.”
Levi didn’t answer, but let him proceed.
This is a hand, Eren thought as he treated it gently with some ointment, that
has killed dozens of Titans. A strong, lethal hand, that has hurt
someone—tortured a human being—just tonight. But from this close it feels like
so much more. Strangely fragile and powerful at the same time. I trust it with
my life. And I’ll fight to protect it.
When Eren was finished Levi flexed his hand again while Eren packed up the
first aid kit and stored it away in the cupboard. Not really knowing what to
do, Eren sat down at the table once more. But when he drank the tea was
soothing and it loosened his tongue.
“There was this very old woman in Shingashina,” he began out of an impulse
while he stared into his cup. He more sensed than saw that Levi was looking at
him wearily. “We all called her Aunt Lena, but I guess her true name was
something else. Magdalegna? I can’t remember. She even made it on one of the
rescue ships with us, but died in the reclamation expedition. She had no
family, but she was always nice to us kids and sometimes she gave us candy or a
few slices of an old loaf of bread to feed the ducks with. She knew so many
stories.
“One time she told me about a boy who met a fox. The boy was unhappy and said
to the fox that he should play with him. The fox, however, said, that he wasn’t
tamed and couldn’t play. And he asked the boy to tame him.”
Eren shot a brief, cautious peek at Levi and since he was watching Eren with a
tired blink, Eren continued. “The boy didn’t know what taming was, so the fox
explained to him how it was done and that it meant to establish ties. He also
said taming meant understanding. So the boy tamed the fox and one day he had to
leave again. Both were sad, but the fox told the boy that the taming would help
him see things differently from now on. And the boy realized that the fox was
right. When he spoke to the fox again later the fox said that you can only see
rightly with the heart. Back then I didn’t understand. But now I see what my
friends have done to fight the Titans. And I think the fox—old Aunt Lena—was
right…wasn’t she.”
He gazed up and saw Levi was still observing him. He had an odd expression. His
brows were curiously knitted on his forehead and his mouth was a thin, narrow
line. His eyes, even though still bleak, seemed to see more clearly again and
reminded Eren of a late summer storm. Powerful and spellbinding. Scary and
beautiful. Somehow it didn’t fit together.
The peculiar picture made him forget why he had told that story in the first
place. It didn’t even make sense to himself anymore and going by the way Levi
looked at him with that irritating little frown, it neither did to him.
From this close Eren could see that Levi’s eyes weren’t simply grey. They had
tiny specks of blue in them and a few thin lines that were nearly colourless.
Eren felt himself spellbound by them and the thought occurred to him, that if
he'd only look into these eyes long enough, he could see the ocean in them.
Endless waters under a summer storm…
“I should go to bed,” Eren mumbled and emptied his cup before cleaning it in
the sink.
He was just passing the table on his way out as Levi spoke again. His voice
sounded funny as well. “Eren. Thank you.”
“It was only a story…” Eren said with a weak shrug. “Good night, Captain.”
“Good night, Eren.”
Something in Levi’s voice felt so unendurable, that Eren wanted to scratch his
chest open, rip his soul out, and offer it, right along with his heart that
didn’t belong to him anymore anyway. But what could souls do in a world like
this? And what worth had the heart of a monster to begin with? Still, if Eren
didn’t do anything, he knew he would burst.
And so it came that it was there—in the shabby farmhouse, in that very
saturnine night—that Eren, for the first time in his life, didn’t listen to
Armin’s advice. He stepped closer, bent down, and kissed Levi on his blood-
spattered, pale cheek. It wasn’t an erotic kiss or one filled with desire. It
wasn’t meant to be. It was merely a brush of lips, chaste and short, and was
simply supposed to keep the shadows away. It was all that Eren dared to give.
Levi’s cheek was rough, covered in the first trace of morning stubbles that
scratched Eren’s lips. And despite the atrocity Levi had to go through the
hours before and that hung over him like a veil, he still smelled like the most
right thing in the world. Like Levi. And like the faintest hint of soap and
tea, mingled with lavender and roses.
Levi froze under Eren’s lips, and Eren squeezed his arm and went to bed. If he
shed a tear, nobody witnessed it, except for the stars and the silent shadows
of the night.
- - -
Sanes—one of the captives—spoke. Somehow Levi and Hanji made him confess
everything and the information he gave them were substantial.
For the second time in 24 hours Levi showed Eren and the rest of them a version
of himself that Eren had never seen up until then and let himself have an
emotional outburst when Christa refused to accept her responsibilities. Eren
had never heard Levi speak of himself that much either. It made him sad and
proud beyond comparison. And it only improved his wish to do everything in his
power to help their mission. So he willingly let himself be handed out to
Reeves Corps.
It would never have occurred to him that it would mean ending up in a cavern
under a chapel, shackled and gagged. He also wasn’t prepared for what memories
awaited him there. And what a dreadful truth.
***** Chapter 7 *****
The world had gone dark. Levi had learned long ago that despair—like death—was
an omnipresent companion of life. Like death you could never escape it
completely. No matter who you were or what you did, sooner or later it would
knock on your door. And sometimes it would take everything away in the blink of
an eye.
But, as opposed to an encounter with death, the chances that you’d survive were
considerably higher. And if it didn’t kill you, it mostly made you stronger.
As they rescued Eren and Historia from Rod Reiss’ cave though, the thought
occurred to him that, as always, the exception probably proved the rule. He
looked into these big, green-blue eyes, once so bright and hopeful, and
received nothing but emptiness. He wasn’t new to the experience itself; despair
could break the strongest of them. But he’d never anticipated this. Not with
Eren.
Back at the headquarter Historia told Levi and Hanji about the things that had
happened during their time away and they listened. Mikasa and Armin sat nearby,
obviously determined to stay at Eren’s side. After Historia’s narrations of
their last past days and their encounter under the chapel Eren started to let
them in on his memories.
Levi let him talk. It had already been late at night when they had left the
cave, but they had to hear this and maybe it would help Eren to cope if he said
it out loud. He constantly ran his hands through his hair at the back of his
head and scratched himself there. It was as if he was grasping for answers that
were nowhere to be found.
Eren talked until his voice broke and silent tears began to run down his face.
Levi ordered the others to go to bed and shuffled to the stove to brew Eren and
himself a cup of tea. Levi would have preferred a blend from his room, but the
regular one would do for now.
They sat there for another hour or so. No more words were spoken as they drank.
Eren occasionally wiped his face with the back of his hands or snuffled, but
seemed desperate to compose himself. When his hands had become too wet
Eren fumbled for his handkerchief in his trouser's pocket and patted himself
dry. Levi could have handled it if Eren would have raged and yelled and thrown
things. It would have been healthy. Eren did none of that.
When the tea was finished Levi collected the used cups, cleaned them to keep
his hands busy and himself calm, and personally made sure that Eren found the
way to his room. He watched Eren sit down on his bed, fully dressed, and after
a brief moment of hesitation Levi left.
He found himself returning to the kitchen to make himself another cup of
regular—below average—tea. Usually he liked the silence the night brought. It
gave him time for himself and for his thoughts. It was a welcome contrast to
the lively days and looking after the teenagers was like herding cats. Right
now, however, the stillness directed his mind back to Eren.
Nothing good would have come out of staying in that room, he kept on telling
himself. He had no warmth and knew no stories about hope. And he was a terrible
hugger.
Fuck.
Levi cursed, scowling at the steaming beverage in his hand as if it would all
be the tea’s fault. He emptied the cup into the sink and cleaned it again. What
a useless waste of provisions…
Then he went to his room to brew a fresh, steaming cup of his favourite tea,
fetched a pile of paperwork along an oil lamp and his pen, and made his way
back to the room down the hallway.
- - -
Eren hadn’t moved from the sitting position on his bed when he heard the door
to his room open without a prior knock. He looked up and saw Levi step in
again, his hands filled with a stack of papers, a lantern, and some tea. Had he
taken the wrong room?
“Take off your shoes and lie down,” Levi ordered without further explanation.
He put the lamp and the tea cup onto the nightstand and took off his own boots.
Eren was so taken aback by Levi’s command and the whole situation, that he
simply did as he was told, forcing his body to stir and slip under the blanket.
Levi waited for him to finish, mumbled at him to scoot over, and after pushing
the rest of the blanket to the side he sat down on the mattress next to Eren,
the paperwork in his lap, his spine steadied by the backrest.
What? Why? Eren couldn’t bring himself to ask out loud.
“I surely won’t work sitting on the cold fucking floor,” Levi simply grumbled
with a scowl and began to read.
As Eren lay there—hearing the paper rustling and Levi breathing quietly besides
him, sensing the other one’s body heat and scent swap over to him—he felt a lot
of different things at once. One big part was still pure exhaustion and shock.
Another one was a strange mixture of gratitude and bafflement. Then there was
pure fondness and affection. And the fourth one was…simply dark. And it was
growing. Rapidly.
The tea cup was being lifted. Levi drank. Then the cup was set back onto its
saucer and it had such a homey ring to it that something inside of Eren
shattered.
Screams from far away.
Chills suddenly crept over Eren’s body, making him shiver. It was strange. He
never really felt cold. His chest hurt. He couldn’t breathe anymore.
“I don’t feel that good,” he gasped. He didn’t really know why he had said
that, but somehow he knew it was important.
“Eren?”
It was too much. All to much. He couldn’t see clearly anymore. He was freezing.
Eren could feel his fingertips staring to tingle. Then they went numb, and he
could feel his heart was beating fast. Too fast. Fright flooded over him and he
almost overheard Levi calling out his name again.
Why couldn’t he breathe?
“Eren. Shit!” The hissed curse seemed to be muffled and then the voice suddenly
sounded clear. And it went soft. “You’re safe. I’m here.”
How could Levi talk so calmly? Didn’t he feel that the world was crumbling
down? Over and over again it crumbled down and Eren could only stand by and
watch. Like always. It was all because of him. He wanted it to stop. Everything
should stop. He wanted to feel the pain on his skin, to concentrate on it
instead of being overwhelmed by it from the inside out. 
Father…
Tears began to flood his eyes again, silently trickling down his cheeks and
soaking the pillow. How he hated it to cry. Why couldn’t he control his body?
Was he shifting without knowing it? Was he dying? It felt like it. His arms
moved on his own, clenching around his chest. He’d never feel her embrace
again. He shouldn’t have run away from her that day. All of this wouldn’t have
happened…
“You are not going to die,” Eren heard Levi say. “You are not shifting, Eren.
Everybody is safe. You’re having a panic attack. It will pass. Talk to me.”
“I’m so scared. It…it hurts…Mum was…”
“I know. We will make it go away.”
“Captain Levi?”
“Yes. I’m with you. Do you want me to be here? Or should I leave?”
Eren didn’t want Levi to see him like this. He didn’t want to have him around.
And yet he wanted to reach out, hold on tight, and beg him to stay, to not
leave him alone. What if he would transform after all and hurt everyone? He
already had hurt Mikasa once. Why had he done that? Would he try to hurt Levi
too? What if Levi found out about Eren’s feelings? He would be disgusted at
him.
Eren wanted to run. Needed to run away. But the safest place was with Levi,
right? He would stop him. He’d promised. He had looked Eren in his eyes and
promised. “No. P-please don’t go. Please–”
“Then I’ll stay.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. I am going to touch your shoulder now, Eren. Is that okay?”
“Y-yes.”
Fingers were on his shirt, touching his shoulder and collarbones. Eren’s mind
recognized these fingers: Levi’s hands. Protection, Eren reminded himself.
Good.
“You will be alright. I’m here. I need you to breathe.”
“I…can’t.”
“Yes, you can. You are doing it right now. But it’s too fast. Breathe slowly,
Eren. You need the oxygen. It will help you and make you feel better.”
Help sounded good. Better did as well. Levi always knew what to do. Always.
“Come on! We’ll breathe together. Inhale with your nose. Deep and into your
stomach. Exhale through your mouth. Inhale—one, two, three. Exhale—one, two
three four five. Good. Again. Inhale…exhale…there you go. And again. Inhale…”
It was so hard. Eren felt like choking. But he listened to Levi’s composed
voice guiding him through it and tried.
And tried.
Air. Precious air, flooded his lungs while Levi continued talking to him.
Slowly, very slowly, the tightness around his chest subsided.
“Levi…” And then he started to cry for real. It was like breaking down a damp
and Eren couldn’t stop. He sobbed loudly and blindly wrung his arms around
Levi, pulling him closer without thinking.
“Yes, I’m here. Let it out. Keep on breathing.”
A pair of solid arms wrapped around Eren, a little clumsy and stiff at first,
but it was warm. So incredibly, beautifully warm. They shielded him from
everything else. And he let go.
“You’re not alone.”
A hand was stroking his back, up and down and up again, briefly running through
his hair from time to time and down once more. It was the thread that little by
little guided Eren back to himself. He buried his nose deep in Levi’s shirt,
ignoring the straps and buckles of the harness, and breathed.
It smelled so good. Nothing could hurt him here.
 Safe.
Later Eren would be ashamed of soaking Levi’s shirt like this with all kinds of
gross stuff and whining like a child that was scared of monsters under the bed.
But Levi didn’t complain and all Eren could do was to cling on whilst feeling
this wonderful body against his. It was steadying and grounding him as the
darkness slowly loosened its powerful grip on Eren’s mind.
Eren’s eyes kept on crying until the tears stopped coming and exhaustion took
over.
When he woke up again the darkness outside already was dusted with the first
shade of hesitant purple. His eyes were dry and burning from the exertion. His
head was throbbing from all the tears and Eren himself was wrapped into a
blanket. And into a pair of muscular arms.
“I’m still here,” a deep, throaty voice said. “Is it gone?” A thumb rubbed
gently over Eren’s shoulder.
Levi hadn’t left? Eren mentally checked his own body. No chills. No shivers. No
feeling of choking. “Yes.” Then he shot up and looked at Levi. “I’m so sorry!
Did I hurt you?”
Levi sat up as well. Had he held him all the time? “No. How do you feel?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Eren waited for the paralyzing fear to come back, dreading that it would. But
apart from the remaining sorrow deep inside of him all he could feel was Levi’s
hand on his back. When it seemed like the fear would stay away he let himself
relax.
“Thank you,” Eren said.
Levi grunted. “Any time.”
- - -
The sun rose and after looking Eren over briefly, Levi left him in the care of
daily routine and his friends. Mikasa turned pale when she saw the redness in
Eren’s eyes and immediately pushed him into the kitchen to feed him. Levi
nodded at Eren as he cast one last look over his shoulder and then he went to
see Hanji.
He wasn’t surprised to find them sitting at their desk, the whole table top
covered in notes while they scribbled ahead. Going by their ruffled hair and
burnt down candle they hadn’t slept as well and had immediately started with
their reports yesterday.
When he told them about Eren they rubbed their eyes wearily. “A panic attack,
huh? What symptoms did he have?”
Hanji—due to their injuries a little restricted in their movements—rummaged
around in their papers for a folder, opened it and began taking notes as they
questioned Levi and listened to his answers. Where had Eren been when it had
happened? How long did it take? How was he feeling this morning? Had it been
his first panic attack?
“Going by his reaction, I’d say yes,” Levi replied. “He thought he was dying.
Or transforming.” Apparently Eren couldn’t even fear for his own life without
thinking about others as well.
“I should check on him and talk to Erwin. We can’t afford it to get worse. He
can harden now. Did you see how he steadied the cavern yesterday? It was
amazing! We need to do experiments and–”
“Fuck the experiments, shitty glasses! He’s not up to it yet. That’s why I came
here in the first place. Give him a few days.”
“Ah, how bad. But well…” they scratched the back of her head. “You’re probably
right. He really has been having a few shitty months, huh?”
Levi nodded with an affirmative snort and turned his head to look out of the
window next to him. Otherwise he stayed put and Hanji eyed him with scrutiny,
gnawing at their pen again.
“You were with him when it happened.”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I had a bad feeling.”
“How do you feel now?”
“I’m fine.”
“You look old.”
“Guess what. I am old. And stop putting that disgusting pen into your mouth,
you’re inking yourself again.”
“You’re worried.”
Levi shot them a glare in response and Hanji sighed, their lips blue.
“You can’t take everyone’s pain, Levi.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Eren didn’t push you away, did he?”
“No.” Levi folded his arms and looked away again.
“Well, something must have happened when it unsettles you like this.”
“He leeched on to me.”
Hanji put away their notes. “How was it?” They licked their lips, smearing the
stain. “Is it gone?”
“Yes,” he deadpanned. “You’re so pretty now. We should paint you.”
“You’re lying, and your art is ridiculous anyway. You didn’t answer yet.”
“He cried, what do you think?”
“Of course he cried—given his state, I mean. That wasn’t my question though.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Levi–”
“No,” he ended the topic vehemently.
Hanji shook their head. “Anyhow, he shouldn’t be alone for the next few days.
What if it happens again?”
“I know, Hanji. I know.”
“You’ll keep an eye on him, won’t you?”
Levi didn’t answer, Hanji understood anyway.
“Tell me if you need help,” they said.
“Tch. Go the fuck to sleep, four-eyes. You look like shit. And clean that
filthy mouth of yours.”
Levi left, cutting off Hanji’s complain to mind his own business and follow his
own advice for once with a click of the door.
- - -
It soon became clear that something in Eren was broken. To expect his usual
nature back this quickly would have been naive, Levi knew that. But the light
in Eren’s eyes had gone out and all that sat at the table that morning was a
lifeless shell of the familiarly bubbly and sanguine, young man.
Days passed. They defeated Rod Reiss. Kenny died. They secured a syringe with
Titan serum and Historia was crowned. Hanji recovered from their injury.
Levi had moved a small table and a chair into Eren’s room to work there during
the nights. He kept his usual habit of mostly being awake, only interrupted by
a few short naps on his chair in-between. When he woke up he often would find a
cloak wrapped around his shoulders, but neither he nor Eren ever addressed it.
And even though Eren always made space next to him in his bed Levi never
allowed himself to act on the silent offer.
Eren didn’t sleep much as well. Sometimes he would try nevertheless and solely
turn around in his bed until morning. Sometimes he had nightmares and awoke
with a gasp, covered in sweat and panting heavily. Sometimes he screamed in his
sleep and shot up in his bed at his own sound. Eren didn’t cry again.
On some nights Eren gave up on his futile attempts to drift off and joined Levi
at his desk. One night they spent with playing chess, one with maintaining
their gear. One night Eren sharpened and polished every single knife he could
lay his hands on. Another night he simply stared at the sky until dawn. They
never talked about that kiss that Levi still felt on his cheek as if Eren had
etched it into his skin. They never talked about much at all.
When Eren kept on withdrawing his friends tried their best in bringing him back
to the living. Armin tried reason, then stories about something called 'ocean'.
It sounded weird to Levi and the others but it must have meant something to
Eren. Mikasa tried stoic solicitousness, then encouragement. All remained
fruitless and Eren quiet.
Praising the miraculous effect of food Sasha persistently suggested Eren should
eat more 'tatos'. When that didn’t help she asked Levi for the key to the
pantry so she could bake a luxurious dessert to cheer Eren up. It might not
have been a completely selfless request. Levi gave her the permission anyway
and—after telling Jean to have an eye on her—he handed over the key.
The cake was a small feast. Even Hanji forgot to talk about Titans for a while
as she dug in with a wide beam. Eren ate half of his piece, thanked Sasha with
a nod, and rose from his chair. Sasha cried until Jean had mercy on her and ate
the rest of Eren’s cake while Levi forced his own portion down with no appetite
at all and praised Sasha for her skills.
Sasha encouraged Connie to do 'something stupid and funny' that would make Eren
laugh. All they earned was a weak twitch of Eren’s lips that didn’t reach his
eyes. A mere ghost of a smile that was gone as soon as it had come.
Historia offered kindness as much as she could, being occupied with ruling and
beginning to plan her orphanage. She smiled too much as far as Levi was
concerned and in the end it didn’t achieve anything anyway.
Fiercely encouraged by Historia’s efforts and smiles Mikasa decided to try
again, opting for a constant presence, wherever Eren went. Eren yielded for a
while until he had a short and loud outburst, telling her to stop babysitting
him and to let him be. According to Armin that had been the first time he’d
ever heard Mikasa truly raise her voice. The fact that she went to Jean for
help after that, assuring him with folded hands that he was their only hope,
confirmed the graveness of the situation.
Jean used a discussion at dinner to his advantage and confronted Eren with a
few well-chosen provocative remarks that normally would have made him bark
back. At first it seemed that this tactic would finally do the trick. Eren
clenched his fists and scowled up…then he suddenly deflated. He simply let the
words wash over him with a blank stare and declared to go to bed early, leaving
behind a still filled plate.
“How is that my fault?” Jean defended himself when Mikasa glared daggers at him
before she stormed off after Eren without further comment. “How is that my
fault?” he repeated weakly, now looking at Armin, who shrugged his shoulders.
After that Jean stared down onto his plate. “I wish Marco was here…” he
sniffed.
“I know,” Armin said.
Death always looks the same, Levi thought as he poured Jean a cup of tea.
Eren remained more or less anorectic. And all attempts to infuse him with
nutrition were tedious. That was until Levi glared over his own tasteless
portion of porridge one morning and ordered Eren to fucking eat his breakfast
or he’d beat it into him and shove it up his arse. Although reluctant, Eren
complied.
Levi told himself it would be best to move back to his own room.
Days became weeks. Late spring made way to early summer. The offered space on
Eren’s bed became more and more inviting. Levi moved back to his own room. The
daily routine reinstated.
It was good for everyone, Levi supposed. Physical activity gave all of them
some distraction and the rote implied a feeling of normalcy. They did endurance
runs until their lungs burnt, practised to cut Eren out of his Titan more
quickly, and performed extra arduous maneuver gear drills. Despite Historia
missing in their midst now they all still worked good as a team. Under normal
circumstances Levi would be glad about that, but he wasn’t entirely relieved.
He eyed Eren and what he saw kept on worrying him.
It wasn’t that Eren had become a bad soldier. He did his work as he was
supposed to. His discipline was immaculate, his work flawless. Never had the
headquarter been this clean—not without Levi’s help anyway. Eren showed up to
training on time and was as assiduous as always.
He trained every free minute he was let and at first Levi let him. Maybe
exhaustion was what Eren needed—it had helped after the 57th expedition after
all. Maybe it was what his body and mind required to eventually be able to
sleep at night. So Levi let an impatient Hanji do their thing as well,
scheduling experiments to test Eren’s new hardening abilities.
In retrospect it might have been too much. Eren shifted and hardened over and
over again, making Hanji cheer in zealousness. Never had they had this much of
a progress before. Never this much hope for the future. Eren worked until
fatigue would demand him to sleep, only to start from anew as soon as he woke
up again, more determined than before.
When Eren’s nose started to bleed after retreating from his Titan and the
gruesome marks under his eyes seemed to leave their imprint on his face for
good Levi intervened.
“Enough!” He handed Eren a fresh handkerchief to wipe his face and ordered him
to get some rest. Then he grabbed Hanji by the scruff of their neck and dragged
them into his bathroom where he soaked them under the shower. The effect would
only last for a day or so but for now it gave him some sort of regularity and
satisfaction.
Of course he couldn’t stop Eren for too long though. With the experiments being
cancelled he only hurled himself back into his regular training routine.
At day Levi observed Eren. He kept everyone busy as far as he could and helped
Historia with the organization of the orphanage. At night he occupied himself
with his endless piles of paperwork. If anything, the recent happenings had
increased the unceasing flood of it. The ink had long dyed his fingers with a
dark blue that wouldn’t wash off and a tension threatened to settle in his neck
and shoulders.
One night he found he couldn’t concentrate on reading. And when the second cup
of tea didn’t change anything he set aside his pen and rose from his chair with
an ample stretch of his arms. A short while later his 3D maneuver gear was
hoisted up onto his hips and Levi closed the door behind him with a reverberant
clic.
An indefinable atmosphere clung to the air as he stepped outside. Summer had
come and it was filling the night with an undeniable warmth. With life. The
night sky showed stellar constellation that was typical for this time of the
year and Levi looked up at it for a moment. As much as he usually enjoyed the
view, however, today the stars looked dull. Mirthless. 
He didn’t have to search long for a place fit for his purpose and he decided
for a patch of grass that allowed him to move freely. Drawing his blades he
began to move his limbs, rotating his shoulders and wrists to warm them up and
make their motions smooth. And then he began his dance with the shadows.
He hadn’t been doing this for a while now. Maybe for too long. It was a routine
he had developed over the years. A quickening sequence of several drills that
covered exercises for his body as well as his mind. Quickly he became one with
the swords as they sliced through the air. He’d used them long enough to know
exactly how long they were without having to look. He could reach out with a
hand and blindly point to where the swords’ predetermined breaking points were,
where the blades began to narrow, and where they ended.
Right now he whirled them around, neither attacking nor blocking an invisible
enemy than rather aligning his mind to the blades again. Concentrating on every
limb to execute each drill perfectly he almost lost track of time and his
surroundings. It was why he only did this before dawn. He couldn’t use any
interruption whilst doing this. Faster and faster he moved, hoping that finally
his thoughts would reach clarity, as they always used to when he did this.
All he achieved was the constant image of Eren staring into space, looking
lost. Eren crying and shaking in his arms, clinging on to him like to a sheet
anchor. Green-blue, distant eyes that should be sparkling. A pair of gentle
hands that had once been tending to his injuries. An enchanting voice that had
once been fighting his demons whilst talking about kind-heartedness and hope.
About love. A pair of soft lips brushing over his cheek.
Two hours later Levi was back at his desk, waiting for breakfast, and achingly
missing the prospect of a bright laugh.
***** Chapter 8 *****
That evening Levi ordered Eren to visit him in his office after dinner. After
knocking and being bid to come in Eren entered and closed the door behind him,
involuntarily hanging his head.
He didn’t know what the Captain wanted, but a graveness had rung in his voice
that made Eren expect a rebuke. He hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? He had
done everything he was supposed to do and even had excelled the expectations.
“Sit.”
Eren obeyed, taking the chair in front of Levi’s desk.
“Tea.” Levi handed him a steaming cup.
"No, thank you."
"Drink the fucking tea, damn it!" Levi snapped. Then he sighed inaudibly and
added more calmly "it will help."
“Yes, Sir. Thank you.”
As he was waiting for Levi to speak again Eren drank. It truly helped, at least
a bit, and he emptied the tea—it had the same, grassy taste he remembered from
the night Levi and Hanji had tortured Sanes.
“You will discontinue your extra-curricular training.”
This made Eren glance up from his cup and look directly at Levi for the first
time in days. Even through his troubled mind he noticed that Levi looked worn-
out. The bags under Levi’s eyes were alarmingly dark and his skin was nearly
waxen. Eren wanted to ask for the reason but he knew it wasn’t his place. Maybe
it never would be.
Ever since Levi had left Eren’s room, sleep had come even more irregularly
again. At first Eren had thought it was simply because of having to sleep alone
once more. It had been odd the first time he had to leave the shared bedrooms
he’d been used to after all. Yet it wasn’t the usual loud noises that Eren had
come to miss most.
It was the quiet rustling of paper. The faint smell of tea. The cautious way a
cup would be set down on its saucer or the sound of a pen taking notes and
signing. Their occasional games of chess. Simply hearing Levi breathe or wheeze
in his sleep. Speaking to him late at night. Seeing the brief softness on
Levi’s features whenever he woke up at his small, improvised desk, noticing
that Eren had wrapped his cloak around his shoulders, before awareness had
concealed it instantly. Seeing Levi's morning stubble or the irritated knitting
of his eyebrows whenever he had read something that he didn’t like.
Having Levi around had just been…nice. Now it was over. As simple as that. And
he wanted it back. Eren felt selfish and guilty for having these thoughts, but
a tiny part of him wished to relapse so he could sleep in these arms again. He
despised himself for it.
One night he’d tried to hug a pillow instead. It hadn’t been nearly the same,
but it had helped so he’d done it again. It never smelled that nicely though
and it didn’t have Levi’s hands or his broad chest. It was too soft and too
cold in all the wrong places.
Seeing Levi now, seemingly as exhausted and grim as Eren felt, stirred up his
need for closeness from anew. How he wished that he could make this sad look go
away… Eren’s right hand clenched around the arm rests of the chair he sat on,
while his left gripped the saucer of his cup.
“Instead you will join me in the morning for additional drills,” Levi finished.
Private lessons? Eren’s hand loosened its grip on the chair and he placed the
cup onto the desk. “Sir?”
“We’ll start at dawn.”
There was only one answer to that, wasn’t there? “Yes, Sir.”
“You’re dismissed.”
“Yes. Thank you.” Eren stood up, took the cup again to wash it in the kitchen
sink, and made his way to the door before he would say something stupid.
“Eren.” He turned around. Levi took the harshness out of his voice. “I’m
sorry.”
Eren didn’t know what Levi was apologizing for, but it somehow felt strange. It
made him want to stay. Instead Eren nodded confirmatory and left, his mind and
heart one big, aching mess.
- - -
When they met outside the headquarter just after dawn both of them were dressed
in their harness.
“Take off your maneuver gear,” Levi ordered, removing his jacket. “We’ll do
hand-to-hand combat today.” He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up his arms and
waited for Eren to join him.
“Anything in particular, Sir?” They had done this before during their common
training routine with the former squad and a few times with the new one as well
so Levi could check everyone’s skills. Fist fights mostly, but also fights with
short weapons like daggers. Wrestling. And trying out different types of
defense and attack.
“No. Just attack me with everything you have. We’ll go on from there. A fight
ends when someone goes down or says 'stop'.”
Nodding briefly Eren stepped up to Levi, rose his hands, and they began their
dance. He stroke out, Levi dodged, and Eren’s fist went into thin air.
“Not bad. You can do better though,” Levi said. “Come on. Hit me as hard as you
can. You know how.”
Two pair of feet moved on the dry lawn. They circled each other, stepping back
and forth, and picking up the pace. With every beat Eren’s ambition visibly
rose. Levi feigned. Then he moved into the other direction to land a calculated
blow to Eren’s shoulder before already stepping back, out of Eren’s range. A
sudden flicker ghosted over Eren’s eyes.
They should have done this days ago. Weeks actually. Why hadn’t neither of them
thought of this before? Levi remembered Eren hitting himself in the face
shortly before their fight against Reiss. He should have known back then. And
now with every blow—hit or not—Eren’s vital spark grew more and more. It
finally settled back on his face. It made it look angry. It was exactly what
Levi was aiming for.
Levi could see Eren thinking how to go around Levi’s block this time. How to
deal with his agility. Meanwhile he considered how to continue himself. He
didn’t hold back too much since Eren was a strong opponent. His youth and
resoluteness, not to mention his slowly returning ire, wasn’t something to
underestimate.
They kept on fighting until their breaths were heavy and started to drown out
the birds’ morning singsong, adding to the sound of occasional thuds when a
fist hit its aim, mingled with the grass whispering under their boots. Levi
began to sweat. The sky had long turned blue and the sun was shining on them.
They still circled each other; both of them trying to find a loophole in the
other’s defense.
It was about then when Levi noticed a change in Eren’s expression. It had
assumed something desperate that reflected in his movements. They became more
irregular and furious.
Time to bring this to an end, he decided. Levi let Eren deal a blow and made
himself fall, only to grip Eren in his movements and use their momentum to roll
on even further and straddle Eren on the ground. Eren fought on, his fists
frantically flying into the air and hitting Levi’s ribcage. Levi didn’t stop
Eren. He could take a few bruises for this.
Eventually the blows became weaker. And after another while Eren’s hands fell
to his sides before his underarms covered his face as furious yells began to
shake his body. Levi stood up, giving Eren some space and letting him have his
outburst. Eren raged and roared. Then his face turned green and abruptly he
rolled around onto his hands and knees and threw up.
About time, Levi thought. One month—it had taken them more than one whole month
to get here. Levi crouched down besides Eren, placed a hand on his shaking
shoulder, and waited. When he wasn’t pushed away he began to run it over Eren’s
shoulder blades in, what he hoped to be, consoling circles. They had soothed
him once, hadn’t they? Eren heaved and heaved, until his stomach was completely
empty and nothing was left, aside from bile.
“I’m sorry,” Eren mumbled, sitting up. “I’m so sorry.”
“None of this is your fault.”
Eren snuffled.
“You will talk to your friends again.” Levi squeezed Eren’s shoulder in
affirmation. “You will eat. You will sleep. Understood?” Levi wouldn’t tell him
it would get better. They both knew he couldn’t promise that.
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good. You don’t have to laugh right away though. It sounds hideous anyway.
Like a choking frog or something similar disgusting.”
An involuntary chuckle escaped Eren’s chest. It was weak and sounded inept, but
it was there. Then Eren suddenly paused and looked over Levi with concern.
“Shit! I didn’t stop…did I hurt you?”
“Don’t worry about me.” Levi patted Eren’s shoulder one last time. “Come on.
Let’s head back.”
“What’s going on here?” Mikasa stepped out of the farm. Going by her harness
with attached maneuver gear that was squeezed over her nightgown and a pair of
loose trousers, she must have dressed in a hurry. She held the two swords in
her hands that sank down a bit at their sight. “I heard Eren scream.”
She shot a disapproving look at Levi. She had warmed up to him over the last
past months, even more so since they had found out about their mutual family
ties. But that clearly didn’t stop her from being protective when it came to
Eren. Levi simply hoped she wouldn’t do anything stupid the next time the shit
would rain down on them outside the walls. On the other hand, they were all
testy these days.
“It’s okay, Mikasa,” Eren conciliated her as he stood up and brushed the grass
off his pants. “I think I needed that.”
“Are you sure? What did you do?”
“Yes, I’m sure. We simply fought,” Eren said.
“You…fought.”
“I let him deal it all out.” Levi, deciding it would be best to calm her for
now, stood up as well and forced himself to keep a straight face at the
discomfort in his ribs. “Take care of him from here, will you?”
Mikasa finally put her swords away and had the decency to be abashed. “Yes.
Thank you, Sir. Come on, Eren. Let’s get you something to eat. Is that yours?”
She pointed at Eren’s maneuver gear on the lawn and already reached out for it.
“Stop mothering me, Mikasa. I’ll take it myself,” Eren complained and snatched
the gear out of her hands. He hoisted it back onto his hips and turned around
once more. “Captain Levi?”
“Yes, Eren.”
“Thank you.”
Levi nodded. “As I said, any time.”
Mikasa caught Eren by his sleeve to pull him away and Levi let them go.
- - -
Eren’s appetite had returned and he devoured his porridge at record speed while
he quarreled with Jean over his announcement that Eren’s 'lady screams' had
woken him up. It wasn’t as heated as usual, but with the argument Eren could
feel his vitality coming back and he kicked Jean’s shin under the table in an
unuttered thanks. Jean kicked back and smirked before coming up with something
else that started their quarrel afresh.
Despite her relief about Eren being more himself again, Mikasa was still
steaming with anger about Levi bringing Eren to puke and pestered Eren with
questions about what exactly had happened earlier. Eren rolled his eyes and
rose from his chair to make Levi his breakfast tea.
Training felt more natural that noon and while even Levi seemed to be pleased
with the results, a faint sensation of the long-missed content rushed through
Eren again as he flew through the trees. At dinner he laughed shortly at one of
Connie’s jokes and when Eren went to bed that night he welcomed the
overwhelming tiredness of exhaustion like an old friend.
Sleep still didn’t spare him his nightmares and disquiet, his worries or even
his recollections of what he had done back then. His room still felt too
empty—hollow almost—and his pillow still couldn’t even remotely replace
anything he was longing for. But when Eren woke up the next morning it was with
more eagerness than he had in a long time. He hurried into the bathroom and
made himself ready for his new morning drills with Levi.
With his old spirit being back Eren’s mind got clearer and as the days passed
by he was getting better in telling his own memories apart from the ones that
had been implanted in him. He talked a lot to Hanji, filling them in on his new
insights and memories in his hope to help them with their theories. Even though
there still were so many riddles to agonize over, at least bad information—as
Hanji kept on reminding him—was much better than none information at all and
they scribbled everything down.
Eren also talked a lot to Historia whenever they were at the orphanage to help
her, hoping that it would evoke something new inside of him. And then, indeed,
one morning he suddenly remembered about Shadis.
From then on it all happened fast, almost too fast. Levi’s squad and Hanji paid
Shadis a visit. More truths were revealed and Erwin made plans for the
reconquest of Wall Maria. There was a hole to fill. A basement to visit. And
some old friends to kill.
With only a few days to gear themselves up Levi cancelled further trainings and
abandoned their secluded headquarter to move his squad into one of the city’s
military basis and prepare everything. It so happened that they gathered around
a big table one afternoon, two days before the mission, and fully maintained
their equipment.
“Eyes on the knife, Eren,” Levi said. “How often do I have to tell you that it
is a goddamn, fucking weapon?”
Eren flinched on his chair and averted his eyes from Levi’s hands and
underarms, that were busy with cleaning and polishing his anyway spotless 3D
maneuver gear, to look at his whetstone.
Thinking about the devastating losses during their prior expedition, Eren
couldn’t help but look at his friends more closely. He remembered Levi’s words
from when he had threatened Historia…who would be alive tomorrow—or rather the
day after tomorrow—at the same time? It couldn’t be that they’d all survive,
could it? Yet Eren had to believe it to keep on fighting.
Most of all he had tried to not stare at Levi himself too much. Not to peer at
his faint smile when he drank his first cup up tea in the morning that Eren had
apparently brewed to his liking. Not to goggle at his movements. Not to gape at
his little frown. Not to gaze into these eyes for too long.
He had failed heroically. And apparently he still did so. “Yes, Sir.” Eren
looked back at his blade again. After Levi had begun to instruct him in dagger
combat he had asked Hanji for a jackknife and a few days later it had arrived
with other supplies. It wasn’t quite as nice as Levi’s, but it lay comfortably
in Eren’s hand. He’d called it Hoffnung—hope.
Jean, who sat across from him at the kitchen table, polishing his own gear,
scoffed. “Are you turning your brain off again, Eren? Must be nice.”
“Shut up.” How Eren longed to hit that face just one more time. But Levi was
right; he was holding a weapon and they had work to do. He shot an evil glare
at Jean and directed his attention back to his boiler scale and his knife.
“More flat,” came from his left.
“Huh?”
“You just sharpened the other side with a flatter angle.” Levi said.
“Oh. Yes.”
Sasha held out her gear. “Finished!”
Levi didn’t even take a peek. “Have you cleaned the hooks on the handles well
enough? You’ve been stunningly quick with them.”
Her stomach growled and she with it. Ever since she had heard that they would
have meat for dinner that night, she had stopped eating to 'leave more space'
for it. She’d been antsy all day long. “Hooks?”
“Are you telling me,” Sasha cringed under Levi’s calm tone and started to sweat
visibly, “that you’ve been in this squad for months now and still don’t know
how to properly maintain your gear?”
“No, Sir! I mean, I do.”
“Mm. Clean the hooks.”
“Yes, Sir.” Sasha sat back down again and frowned bemusedly at Jean who handed
her a pipe cleaner. “What’s this?”
Next to Eren Levi scowled almost audibly.
“A brush for the smaller parts,” Jean explained. “It works better than the big
one.”
Sasha took it. “Fancy. How come you’ve got something like that?”
“Having to deal with hamming handles in battle for one time is enough for me,”
he said.
Eren was finished with his whetting and looked up at him. “Hamming handles?
When did that happen?”
Jean pressed his lips together. “Trost.”
Sasha spoke up again. “Was that why you weren’t with– never mind.” She turned
pale at Jean’s expression and hurriedly tended to her gear cleaning again.
“Sorry.” Sasha hung her head.
Jean nodded, but stood up and left, his lips pressed into a thin line. Mikasa
paused in her movements, cursed a short “damn it!” and went after him, leaving
her sparkling gear on the table.
- - -
In the middle of dinner Eren’s fist met Jean’s jaw. They hadn’t particularly
planned it—at least Eren thought so—but something in Jean’s voice had told
Eren, he needed it as much as Eren himself. So he’d accepted the challenge and
felt the last bit of energy, that had been lacking ever since the incidents in
the Reiss cavern, finally come back to him. He embraced it…and realized too
late that they had reached a point where they both were unable to break it off.
Soon he found himself in a fight that neither he, nor Jean, could—or would—end.
“Did Marco know what an arsehole you are?” Eren heard himself ask. He couldn’t
believe he had said that. Why had he said that? He didn’t even recognize
himself right now.
“Yes, he did,” Jean seethed back. “And he still confessed to that arsehole.
What’s wrong with you,Eren? Chicken?”
Eren scored a satisfying hit to Jean’s chest. “Who do you call chicken?”
“Look around. There’s only one chicken present, moron.” Eren wanted to yell
back, wanted to defend himself, but Jean had already caught him in a tight
headlock and hissed. “Man up, you stupid bastard, while you’ve still got a
chance and stop that pathetic ogling. We both know, he won’t.”
Adrenaline rushed through Eren’s body as he fought himself free to attack
again. Pure, white rage ignited out of nowhere and when that composed,
interruptive “hey” came, he was utterly relieved to know that it would be over
within the next second.
It was. Levi’s foot landed a well-calculated kick into Eren’s stomach that sent
him whirling through the air before Jean got hauled up off his feet and was
pushed away in the opposite direction.
It was the second time that Levi’s kick had saved Eren. And even though the
circumstances had been much graver that other time Eren was unbelievably
thankful for the one right now. He could have seriously injured Jean and
knocked one of his most capable and loyal allies out. 
Levi glared both of them into the ground and the rest of the dinner proceeded
without further quarrels. Eren and Jean sat back down at the table and the
others, that had cleared the place around them when everything had started,
settled around them again and continued their conversations from earlier, as if
nothing had happened.
Bruised jaw aside, Jean looked more animated again and—going by the appraising
glance in Jean’s eyes and his affirmative nod—so did Eren. They kicked at each
other’s shins a couple of times and bickered harmlessly until dinner was over.
Jean excused himself first, taking his beer with him, and Eren left with Mikasa
and Armin as well.
The night that awaited them outside was cold for summer. A stiff breeze was
blowing, crept under their clothes, and made them almost shiver under the
chill. But after the heat they’d been having recently Eren was welcoming the
change and joined Mikasa and Armin on the big stairs in front of one the
armories. He looked up at the sky. The clouds were thick and moved fast, but
some parts of the sky were open and revealed a free view to the stars. Was Levi
looking at them right now as well?
Mikasa nestled her nose in her scarf that she wrapped tighter around herself
and they began to talk like in the old days. Eren had missed evenings like this
and joined Armin in his ocean theories and visions from a world beyond the war
while Mikasa mostly listened.
Their laughs and chatter faded when the first lights in the dorms went out.
Armin yawned with a stretch, declaring he’d go to bed. Eren told Mikasa to go
as well before she’d catch a cold. The wind had been increasing and had chilled
down even more.
It was just then when Mikasa had left and was out of his sight, that Eren heard
a well-known voice from behind, which pulled him out of his thoughts and made
him flinch for the second time that day.
“Eren.”
“Captain Levi!“ Eren shot up and faced Levi, who strangely had a beer mug with
him.
Levi jerked his head at the floor. “May I talk to you for a moment.”
“Of course…” Eren sat down again, a little away from his prior spot to offer
the preheated place to Levi, who took it to join him on the floor. When Levi
didn’t speak directly Eren began. “Thank you for stopping me. Earlier, I mean.”
“I thought you could use it.”
“I did. We both did. I’m sorry for making you trouble.”
“Mm.”
Silence.
Eren fidgeted with his fingers and looked down at them. Goosebumps, that had
nothing to do with the temperature, began to rise on his skin, while his heart
did that silly skipping thing again, like every time when Levi was nearby.
He cleared his throat. “I…um…since when do you drink beer?” he asked, pointing
at the tankard between them.
“I don’t,” Levi said. “It’s for you.”
“Oh…” Eren took a heartening gulp and put the mug down on his other side. It
was stale, but he wouldn't let on about it. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t want to intrude into your conversation with your friends,” Levi
explained eventually.
“You could have had. It was only Mikasa and Armin.”
“Mm.”
“Why did you want to talk to me, Sir?”
“I wanted to check if you’re alright.”
“Oh. I’m fine.”
“Good.”
There was something in the way how Levi said it that reminded Eren of Levi's
voice after he had told him Aunt Lena’s story. It was like they were back in
that shabby, old kitchen again and all of the sudden, it was so easy. As
unbearable as the chance of losing Levi in two days was, the idea of any of
them dying, without Levi knowing how Eren felt, was even worse. The mere
thought suffocated him and teared him apart up to the point where everything
simply hurt. Keeping it in any longer felt like lying. Levi deserved better,
deserved the truth.  
Eren's heart was hammering so heavily right now, that he could feel it in his
throat, guiding him forward. He had kissed Levi before. Back then it had been a
gesture of kindness and support. This…here…what he was about to do…was
something else entirely. He knew Armin would disapprove. Then again, he’d
already been stupid before, so one more time wouldn’t kill him.
Eren inhaled with a shudder, closed his eyes, and leaned over. On his way he
realized that closed eyes didn’t tell him were he was aiming at. Why did he
never think things through? He opened them again and found a pair of firm, thin
lips.
Kissing was weird. Eren didn’t know what he was doing and only managed a few
bumbling pecks that rang funnily and loudly in his ears. Levi’s breath fanned
over his mouth and it was warm and enticing. But Levi didn’t move, so Eren
pulled back.
He swallowed, looked Levi deep into his eyes, and offered his soul. “I love
you.”
It didn’t sound enough. “I love you so much.”
***** Chapter 9 *****
For a while there only was silence. Levi’s lips were still wet where Eren had
kissed him, and Eren could still smell Levi’s scent on him, hear his own words
in his head in an endless echo.
“Eren–” Levi began. And broke off.
Of course.
Eren swallowed heavily again. He wasn’t surprised by the rejection, not at all.
He’d awaited it even. It didn’t make it any less hurtful though. How was it
possible that going into battle was so much easier compared to this? He
resisted the urge to rub his sweaty palms over his trousers. His skin felt like
an army of little ants was crawling all over it. His guts were a rebelling
mush. And his stomach was about to relieve him of the delicious dinner. He felt
like a mess.
He wanted to leave. But even more more he wanted to stay. He had said his part
and it was only right to let Levi say his.
“Eren. Look at me.”
He turned his head away from his hands in his lap to face Levi again. He looked
so earnest, that Eren’s anyway racing heart kicked in his chest, about to give
out for good. Why didn’t it calm down? Levi must certainly hear the mad
thumping noises, Eren was sure of it.
“What do you see?” Levi asked calmly.
Was this a trick question? “Um…you? I see you.” No, that wouldn’t do. Levi’s
eyes searched for something in his own, and since Eren already had begun this,
he would pull through until the very end. “Every time I look at you, I see the
sun shining and I see the ocean. I see you fighting. I see hope.”
Levi simply stared back.
“Sorry,” Eren mumbled. “I just needed you to know.”
The quietness between them became unbearable and he added weakly “I also see
brooms.”
Levi’s eyes widened. And then he laughed. Soundless again, and only his shaking
shoulders and clenched eyes gave him away. It seemed to last for an eternity
and when he had composed himself again he wheezed shortly. “You keep on doing
that to me.”
Eren wondered if he should stand up and leave after all. He’d said everything
and now he’d even made a fool of himself.
Before he could move though, he felt a hand on his cheek and without further
warning he had trouble gasping for air. Levi was close, much too close, and his
lips were hovering over Eren’s. “Fuck the fucking brooms!” he growled and
closed that last distance between them.
Is this is truly happening? shot through Eren’s mind. Levi’s mouth was warm on
his as it caught Eren’s astonished squeak and Eren’s whole body tingled more
and more with every touch. Levi’s lips brushed over his and Eren could feel
that they were rough and chapped. Scratching. It made him dizzy. He dared to
open his mouth to boldly lick over them. It coaxed a soundless hiss out of
Levi, and since he didn’t pull away, Eren did it again and risked to go even
further.
He licked his way between Levi’s teeth and felt a wave of heat clash over him
and settling deep in his belly as he tasted Levi on his tongue. This truly is
happening! He filled his lungs with the scent, moaned at the flavour and the
hot wetness of Levi’s mouth, and he gripped Levi’s shirt, then his hair, and
then his shirt again, in his desperate pursuit for more. He needed more. More
of that scent. More closeness. More of all these feelings inside of him—even if
they were already about to flood his singing heart and burst through him. And
he needed more of Levi. Please, please, please, so much more!
Levi began to struggle and pushed himself back, holding Eren at his shoulders.
Eren wanted to protest, ask why, beg Levi to not stop like this, but the second
he saw Levi the words stopped on their way out. Levi’s eyes were shining and
his cheeks were slightly pink. His hair was tousled from Eren’s hands. His lips
were swollen and glistening and red. And he was smiling.
Eren, completely stunned by the unfamiliar image, gaped back and was thrilled
to realize that Levi was panting heavily as well.
“Can’t you do anything unhurriedly like a fucking normal person? For fuck’s
sake.”
Eren searched for an answer. “I’m…sorry?”
Levi smirked. “No, you’re not.”
“No, I’m not.” Eren admitted with a grin.
“Tch. Let me…”
Levi’s hands slipped up to cup Eren’s neck and Eren, shivering in his attempt
to stay still, let himself be pulled. New goosebumps rose on his arms and nape
when Levi’s lips slid over his own and over the corner of his mouth and back
again, while Levi’s calloused thumbs drew feathery lines over Eren’s cheeks.
All the time Levi was looking at him under his lashes, compelling Eren and
making him blind for anything else.
When Levi began to nibble on Eren’s bottom lip and gently bit into it with a
slight pull Eren gasped and felt Levi’s lips part at the sound. His tongue
slipped into Eren’s mouth to achingly slowly graze over his and Eren was glad
that he was already sitting, because he wasn’t quite sure if his legs would be
able to hold him right now. They felt like melting. Everything did. His eyes
fluttered shut in delight, his hands clutched the fabric of Levi’s shirt, and
he couldn’t suppress a whimpering moan.
It was answered with a more urgent nudge of Levi’s tongue as Levi pressed
himself closer and Eren couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He carefully
moved his tongue as well, as slowly as he could with all the tingling and
tightening of in his stomach, and stroked with it over Levi’s in return. A deep
hum vibrated through his mouth and sent delicious sparks through him, so he
repeated it again and again, until they broke away. Levi rested his forehead
against his and they looked into each other’s eyes, both of their chests
heaving. 
“Wow!” Eren panted.
“Mm.” Levi ran his hand through Eren’s hair, sending a new wave of heated
shivers down Eren’s spine.
“Have you thought about this?” Levi asked solemnly.
“Yes. But I never thought that you’d actually kiss me back.”
Levi frowned. “Why?”
There were too many answers to that question. Eren settled for the easiest one.
“Because I am what I am?”
Levi’s frown deepened before he kissed Eren again, one hand nestling in Eren’s
hair, the other one caressing his arm, while his tongue continued its
hauntingly slow exploration of Eren’s mouth. It was so sweet that Eren felt his
heart clench.
A single tear escaped his eye and he sniffled as he withdrew. “Sorry.”
“Hey,” Levi said softly. “It’s alright.” He brushed a thumb over Eren’s cheek
to catch the falling drop, making another one trickle down.
“I don’t know why…I’m so happy.”
“I know.” Levi brushed away the other tear too and leaned closer to kiss Eren’s
eyelids. “I know. Come on, we should bring you to bed. It’s been an exciting
evening.”
Eren snorted in agreement and let himself been pulled up to his feet. He
stumbled slightly, his head was still unhealthily spinning and the tightness of
his pants didn’t really help. “I…um. We…” Levi surely didn’t mean…
“Don’t get any wild ideas. I’m going to escort you to your room and leave
politely.”
“I don’t want you to leave.”
Levi smiled mildly and handed Eren a handkerchief. “For the tears.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Eren,” Levi sighed. “It’s Levi.”
“Oh…right.” Eren blushed with a weak chuckle. “Levi. I love you.”
“I know. Now come on.”
They made their way to Eren’s room without a word and too soon they stood in
front of the door.
“Would you please come in?” Eren tried.
“No.”
“But–”
“Eren.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not rejecting you. Just sleep over it. Please.”
“But…do you want this?”
“Would I do this if I didn’t?” Levi traced his index finger over Eren’s neck,
leaving behind a heated trail.
“I don’t know?”
“Go, get some rest.”
“Okay. Levi?”
“What.”
Eren looked around to make sure they were alone. “One last kiss?”
Levi stepped closer and kissed him again, sweetly and tenderly like before, his
hands steadying Eren’s back while Eren’s fingers explored Levi’s arms and
chest. When Levi pulled away this time his eyes were nearly black. “Good night,
Eren.”
“Good night, Levi.” He stole one last peck and grinned while he watched Levi
leave.
- - -
Eren couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know how many hours had passed since he had
slipped into his room, an elated beam swelling his cheeks and his whole being
cheering with joy.
Now, after endlessly rolling around in his bed, however, the great sensation of
happiness had turned into an intense yearning for closeness that wouldn’t go
away and kept him awake.
 'I’m not rejecting you.'
He shouldn’t be here. They had too less time.
Pushing his blanket aside Eren stood up and snuck into the bathroom. He
showered in a hurry, praising his luck for not getting caught, dressed back
into his pyjamas, and after looking at his excited reflexion in the mirror he
tiptoed to Levi’s room.
A thin line of light radiated its way through under the door, silently inviting
Eren to knock. Knowing Levi, however, he could have dozen off at his desk again
and not wanting to wake him up, Eren ruffled his freshly washed and hastily
dried hair as he tapped unassertively on the door. Apparently Levi was awake,
since only a few seconds later the door opened and after looking over Eren
shortly, Levi let him in.
The room was lit by a few oil lamps and, even though they’d arrived here for a
few days ago, it already smelled like the familiar mix of soap and tea.
Levi didn’t say anything. Instead his eyes were fixed on Eren’s and after a
while Eren realized that he was waiting for him to go first. He stepped closer
and reached for one of Levi’s hands to link their fingers while he gazed into
these grey eyes, that always looked so concerned. “I want to be with you. We
don’t have to do anything, just…please, please let me stay?”
Levi retracted his hand and sighed barely audibly, but instead of withdrawing
or sending Eren away he wrapped his arms around Eren in such a tight embrace
that it knocked the air out of Eren’s lungs. Levi nuzzled his head in Eren’s
shirt and instinctively Eren’s hands wandered up to to hug Levi back. His nose
was directly over Levi’s head and since he thought, hoped, he was entitled to
do it now, he buried it in Levi’s hair and inhaled deeply. The scent calmed and
excited him simultaneously.
He could feel Levi’s breath on his neck before Levi kissed him there, making
Eren shiver, and Levi’s lips trailed further up until they met his own. Eren
bent down so Levi didn’t have to get up onto his toes and kissed him in return.
Their kisses were short and only lips meeting each other, until Levi kissed
down the other side of Eren’s neck and over his throat and collarbones. For a
while there were only the sounds of their breath and Levi’s kisses and Eren
still couldn’t quite believe this was actually happening.
“What if I told you, I…” Levi’s voice broke. “Shit.” He nuzzled his face back
against Eren’s chest.
“It’s okay,” Eren said. “You don’t have to say anything.”
“I need to, you dumb-arse,” came muffled from Eren’s shirt and Eren lifted his
hands to run his finger soothingly through Levi’s hair and pressed his lips
against the top of his head. He could feel Levi’s strength in his arm, warm,
powerful, and alluring, and tried to ignore the hardness in his pants as well
as the one pressing against his upper thighs.
Levi inhaled audibly, held his breath, and shook his head against Eren’s chest.
Then he inhaled again. “What if I told you, I loved you too?”
Eren hugged Levi tighter before he could answer and when he found his voice
again it was hoarse and watery. “Good. That’s um…that’s good.”
“I’m so fucking shitty at this.”
Without letting go Eren craned his neck back to look down at Levi. He still had
his face buried in Eren’s chest, his hands were grasping Eren’s shirt and the
tip of Levi’s ears were red. Now he glanced up at Eren, his cheeks were
reddened as well, and a moment later their mouths met again.
Levi’s lips trembled slightly under Eren’s as they parted and Eren licked over
them, before he dove in. He needed to tell Levi that he was doing just
fine—that he understood anyway—and since words weren’t even nearly enough he
had to show it otherwise. He tried to be slow and gentle, give Levi everything
he gave him, make him feel like flying and falling as well, but somewhere along
the line he failed. Too good. This was simply too good.
Greedy for more Eren’s hands lifted the hemline of Levi’s shirt, until he
finally felt hard, muscular skin under his fingertips. An impatient sound
escaped his throat and without warning they both were stumbling through the
room only to land on Levi’s bed in a rolling tangle of feet and legs and arms
and hands that were gripping on clothes and hair and finally found each other
as Levi pinned Eren into the mattress. Eren squeezed Levi’s fingers as he kept
on kissing him and instinctively wrapped his legs around Levi’s hips. His cock
got pressed against something similarly hard and when Levi moved his hips
forward Eren flung his head back into the mattress in an ecstatic gasp.
“Levi. Please–” He let go of Levi’s hands and daringly pulled at Levi’s
waistband.
His fingers got caught and pulled away and a moment later Levi was tentatively
tugging at Eren’s shirt, a question in his eyes. Eren held his gaze in
affirmation, helped him to get him out of it, and sank back as Levi slipped out
of his own.
“Okay…wow.”
Levi gave Eren time to look at him and Eren seized the opportunity to trace all
the bruises from the harness and the muscles on Levi’s chest, shoulders, and
arms with his hands and eyes. Levi shuddered shortly.
“Eren.”
Levi’s lips found Eren’s neck again and were sucking at a spot over the hollow
to his shoulder. All Eren could do was to gape at the ceiling and urge his hips
upwards as a flash of heat shot through him.
Licking and kissing his way over Eren’s collarbones and his ribcage, Levi
crawled downwards while his hands ran over Eren’s arms and shoulders, into his
hair and back down to his ribs. Further and further he moved, all the way down
to Eren’s stomach, where he lingered for a while, until his tongue dipped into
Eren's belly button.
Eren winced involuntarily with a bubbling laugh and his feet jerked to kick the
blanket. “Aha-ha, that tickles!”
A second later Levi’s hand was cupping Eren’s cock through his pants with a
following brush of his thumb and nothing tickled anymore.
“Okay?”
For a second Eren could only nod. “Yes…yes. Oh, please!”
Gentle fingers pulled at his trousers and freed him from the rest of his
pyjama. Cold air was hitting him and he could feel himself twitch at the sudden
change of temperature. Eren didn’t see it though, he only had eyes for Levi. He
knelt over Eren now and looked at his cock with blown-wide eyes and flushed
cheeks, and then directly at Eren while he lowered his head to lick over his
tip.
What…
“Oh!” Eren’s eyes rolled back. Oh, yes! Levi’s tongue was hot and wet and then
his lips were around him and Eren could feel a faint trace of teeth. He was
being sucked in and then he slid out of Levi’s mouth to be sucked in even
deeper again. Desperately wanting to watch, Eren blinked a few times before
glancing down. Levi’s eyes were shut in concentration most of the time while he
moved and where his mouth left Eren’s cock, Eren could see himself glistening
with spit.
Eren reached out to Levi to brush away his fringe and buried his trembling
fingers in the longer strands of his undercut. Levi’s tongue stroked against
him and Eren moaned again, clenching his hands in Levi’s hair. Levi hummed in
encouragement and Eren felt it there, vibrating through his cock and his balls
that already were tensing up, and when Levi opened his eyes that looked so
affectionate, and sucked again, Eren knew it was over.
“Levi? Levi!” He tried to push Levi away, but was held tightly in place. “Yes,
yes, oh, yes…ohh!” Eren’s back arched upwards as the orgasm clashed over him.
He could see himself pumping into Levi’s mouth, who still held his gaze and
Eren couldn’t hold back a loud whine while he dug his toes into the bed sheets
in a frantic search for hold until he was empty.
Levi swallowed and let Eren go to crawl back next to him and Eren pulled him
into his arms. He still shivered in his bliss and turned his head to kiss
Levi’s forehead, feeling the bulge against his leg. “I want to do that to you
too.”
“Give me a minute, will you?” Levi panted breathlessly.
The mere thought of Levi having to fight for control—before Eren had even so
much as touched him—made Eren twitch again. It would have made him go back to
being hard, if he hadn’t jerked himself off earlier that evening as he had
tried to get some sleep.
He let Levi have his moment and began to curiously map his body with his
fingers. It felt so right to finally being allowed to do that and he trailed
over the dark hairs on Levi’s underarms, brushed over chiselled muscles and
further to his shoulders, his neck, his ears, and down his back, over every
small bump he could find. It took Eren a while to notice that the bumps were
forming lines and he felt a sudden pang in his heart at their meaning, that
dampened his afterglow.
Their plans for the following day came into his mind and he vehemently forced
the thought away, snuggling more into Levi’s arms and holding him closer. He
wouldn’t allow himself having dark thoughts about the future tonight.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Eren said, running his hand up and down Levi’s back.
Levi kissed his shoulder and let his hand wander over Eren’s ribs, coming to a
stop over his heart. “I’m glad you’re here as well.”
“Do they hurt?”
“Mm?”
“Your scars.” Eren ran his fingertips along a longer line on Levi’s shoulder
blade.
Resting his chin on Eren’s chest Levi looked at him curiously. “No.”
“Good.” Eren swallowed.
“Hey.” Levi’s finger traced over a furrowed, brown eyebrow. “It’s alright.”
“They are so many–”
“I’m no shining knight, Eren.”
“I know. You’re perfect.”
“Ugh.” Levi freed himself out of Eren’s embrace and shuffled next to him until
he hovered over Eren on his knees and elbows. He cupped the nape of Eren’s neck
and kissed him tenderly. Even though he would have loved to kiss like this all
night long, Eren wanted to do something nice for Levi as well and he fumbled
blindly for his pants in a second attempt to make them go away. This time Levi
let him pull them down, kicked them off completely, and then Eren’s finger’s
found hard, alluring flesh.
“Oh!”
He felt Levi smile against his jaw. “Okay?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Look at me.” Eren tilted his head and peered down. And stared. “I meant my
eyes, but okay.” Levi sounded amused and Eren looked up.
“You’re…big.”
“And?” Tiny wrinkles framed Levi’s eyes and his gaze was warm.
“Nothing. How–?”
Levi kissed him again while he reached down to wrap one hand around Eren’s on
himself in encouragement and pulled away again. Holding Levi’s gaze Eren began
to stroke and squeeze. He tried to find out what Levi liked and when Levi’s
eyelids fluttered shortly with a quiet gasp Eren’s heart skipped a beat. More.
He definitely wanted Levi to feel more of that.
He lifted his other hand to run it over Levi’s face, down his chest and lower
back, over his arse and his legs, lingering and tending to a certain spot every
time he heard an encouraging sound. Levi’s eyes were almost black with lust,
his gasps became more heavy and irregular. Eren kept on pumping. Levi’s jaw
dropped, his arms that still steadied him began to tremble, Eren could feel he
was close and then–
“Eren.”
Levi stiffened a moment before his hips thrust forward and he came in Eren’s
hand, spilling onto his chest while he kept their gazes locked. Biting on his
lip at the view Eren held Levi until he winced. He let Levi go to let him
wiggle away and slump down on his back next to Eren. Levi was still panting
under heavy breaths. It sounded marvellous. Wanting to sense it against himself
Eren rolled over…or at least tried to.
“You’re dripping.” Levi held him back down, stood up, and Eren felt utterly
proud of himself when he saw that Levi was a little unsure on his legs as he
walked into the bathroom. After Levi had cleaned both of them up he handed Eren
his trousers and stepped into his own before he gathered the rest of their
discarded shirts to fold them neatly and put them on a chair. Eren watched Levi
turn off the oil lamps and when they crawled into the bed again Levi het
himself being pulled into his arms, slipping one of his legs over Eren’s.
Holding Levi close Eren ran his hand through Levi’s hair. It tickled his chest
and he could spot a few shinier, probably silvery, hairs among the pitch black
ones in the nocturnal darkness. He smiled. Sometimes reality was more wonderful
in all it’s bluntness.
“Are you alright?” Levi asked after a while, his fingers drawing delicate lines
over Eren’s skin.
“Yeah. More than, actually. You?”
“Mm. Sleepy.”
“Thank you for letting me stay.”
Levi hugged him tighter. “If that’s what you want to do.”
Eren chuckled and watched the moonlight cast its glow through the window and
over Levi’s cheek and arm. He trailed it with his eyes, while he listened to
Levi’s breaths which became more and more even and after a while mingled with
some quiet wheezing sounds.
Careful to not wake Levi up, Eren removed the key around his neck and silently
placed it onto the nightstand next to him. He didn’t know if both of them would
be alive when it was time to finally use it. But he knew they’d give their
everything to make it possible.
“I love you,” he whispered once more and closed his eyes, his arms wrapped
around the most heavenly view in his world.
***** Omake *****
They’d been on the move for weeks when they had heard it from far away: A loud
humming and swooshing, accompanied by the screams of foreign birds. At first
they had thought it might be a threat. Some long-hidden Titans perhaps or a new
enemy in the distance. They had approached with caution, almost readying
themselves for a new battle, a new war. Then they had reached the top of the
dune and couldn’t believe what they saw.
Endless—endless—distances of water reaching all the way up to the horizon and
much, much further. The air smelled like salt and something else and Eren could
taste it on his lips. The sky was covered by dark storm clouds that hung over
the water. It’s surface moved in countless spots of grey, scattered with a few
shimmering highlights of dancing silver where a few scarce sunbeams reached the
waves. No land was in sight on the horizon, making it look like everything
ended where the clouds touched the sea in the indefinite distance.
Eren didn’t know what to think of it—didn’t know if he should be afraid or
amazed. Simply awestruck by the spectacle all he could do was stare, until a
beam settled on his face.
The ocean had been no joke all along.
His best friend stood next to him and a wide grin was spreading over his face
as well, reminding Eren of the enthusiastically curious boy Armin had once
been. The others joined them one by one, each of them wearing their own
expression of fascination and caution.
Hanji was the first to collect themselves. They didn’t vacillate long and soon
they skipped about the place, screaming about how cold the water was and how
unbelievably salty, while they already began to collect samples which they
showed to everyone who didn’t flee from them.
Armin got a book out of his pocket and began sketching where he stood, stunned
wonder still open on his features, while a small figure hobbled up to them,
stopping at Eren’s side.
Only the way how Levi favoured his good leg as he stood gave away how much the
journey must have had strained him. Ever since that last and victorious fight
the old injury had resurfaced and had never faded again completely. In the end
it had been sheer luck that had saved his life. Now the war with the Titans
seemed to be over and with Levi’s retirement Mikasa had taken over his place as
Humanity’s Strongest.
Levi didn’t seem to mind. Idleness made him restless, however, and he couldn’t
be kept from helping Erwin and Mikasa with the Trainees occasionally for too
long. When he wasn’t teaching new soldiers he was at the orphanage—according to
Historia the kids loved his bedtime stories and by the way Levi’s eyes were
bright with warmth afterwards, Eren knew he liked telling them just as much.
He glanced to his side. Levi was deeply lost in thoughts, his eyes fixed on the
sea and his expression not revealing were his mind was wandering to. The time
had added more silver-grey hairs to Levi’s black strands and marginally
deepened a few wrinkles.
Each mark of age seemed a miracle in Eren’s eyes. Every single one of them was
a proof of life. An affirmation of reality. A blessing. Eren counted them as he
counted their shared memories—small treasures that he collected in his
heart—refusing to ponder about how close it had been for the both of them
numerous times. Somehow they had made it. Levi was still alive. As was he. That
was all that mattered. And they would never forget the dead and their
sacrifices.
Averting his eyes back to the waves he caught the glimpse of a few birds flying
over their heads, shrieking their own song of freedom, as the waves contributed
their constant whooshing against the land.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Eren said after a while.
“Mm.”
He would go down to the water later. Dig his toes into the wet sand and feel
the waves wash over his feet. For now he’d stay here and enjoy this moment,
looking at the spectacle of nature in front of them.
Eren felt a hand steal its way into his, a rare gesture of public affection,
and he didn’t have to guess anymore what Levi was thinking about.
He squeezed the fingers that were linked with his, answering Levi’s unuttered
question. 'Yes. This is what I see.'
End Notes
     Thank you so much for reading! Please leave Kudos or comments if you
     liked the story. <3
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