Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1370482.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Eren_Yeager, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin)
  Additional Tags:
      post-anime_(please_no_spoilers_for_the_manga_♥), First_Kiss, First_Time,
      bed_sharing, Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, Underage_-_Freeform, requited
      feelings, Developing_Relationship, Porn-with-Plot, Slow_Burn, mild
      violence, Night_Terrors, handjobs, Snuggling, Romance, Angst, Snark, Eren
      is_seventeen
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-03-26 Completed: 2014-04-04 Chapters: 2/2 Words: 12097
****** Let Me Help ******
by twisting_vine_x
Summary
     A/N: The one in which Levi and Eren are forced to share a bed, and
     Levi has nightmares. (This was meant to be a short little bed-sharing
     fic, and instead became thousands of words of feelings and porn).
     Summary: Levi, vulnerable. It’s like watching the rain fall up
     instead of down.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
“I hate that I know you well enough to know that you’re not joking.”
It’s Levi’s voice, and – unsurprisingly – he doesn’t sound impressed. Clutching
tighter to the rake in his hands, Eren peers around the corner of the stable,
to find Erwin and Levi glaring at each other. Levi looks painfully beautiful,
as always, and Eren’s about to step back, and give them their privacy –
“There’s nothing for it, Levi. Eren’s going to need someone to stay with.”
And that’s – Eren can’t breathe, suddenly. A freak accident had brought down a
tree straight through his window, not even twelve hours ago, and his room’s
more than a bit of a disaster; but he’d assumed he’d be sleeping on one of the
couches, or something, until the damage was repaired.
“Why me?”
“Because you’re the only one who doesn’t regularly have company.”
“Oh, aren’t you just a ball of wit today.”
“I’m serious. Besides, aren’t you the one who’s supposed to watch out for him?”
“I hate you.”
“No you don’t. Now, seeing as the boy’s right over there –” Eren jerks out of
sight and presses himself against the stable wall, a blush flaming down his
cheeks when he realizes how stupid that must have looked. “– Why don’t you two
go discuss who gets the first bath in the morning?”
Eren can very well imagine the glare that Erwin gets for that one, and he holds
his rake a bit tighter and makes himself stand still until Levi walks around
the corner, his feet barely making a sound. For a moment, Levi just stares at
him, looking a bit like he’s just seen someone step on a kitten.
“Eavesdropping, then?”
“I – heard my name –”
“Of course you did. Well, come on. If you’re staying with me, we’re laying out
some ground rules.”
“I – right. Of course –”                                        
But Levi’s already leaving, and Eren hurries to keep up, clutching tight to the
rake. They’ve fought together for months now, but Levi’s still just as
inscrutable as he’s always been; and there is absolutely no cause for Eren to
be feeling the way he’s feeling. The last thing Levi would want would be some
seventeen-year-old kid crushing on him like the smitten fool that Eren so
definitely is.
- - -
“You stay on your side. I am not above making you sleep on the floor if you
kick.”
“I –”
“Your room should be fixed in about a week. I trust you won’t make my life
difficult until then.”
“N-no, sir. I –”
“And lose the ‘sir’ when it’s just us here. You’re making me feel like some
lecherous old man luring some helpless kid into my bed.”
“I’m far from helpless, sir – Levi.”
It’s – the exact opposite of what he wanted to come out of his mouth, and he
slaps his hands over said mouth. For a moment, Levi just stares at him, as
emotionless as ever; and then his eyebrows furrow ever so slightly, and Eren
drops his hands and takes a deep breath. Tries to keep his voice steady.
“I just mean – you all of people know I’m not – I mean, I do turn into a giant
monster, after all.”
“You’re not a monster. And you can put your things in the trunk in the corner.”
Eren’s so busy tripping over the first part that he almost misses the second
part, and by the time he’s finished gaping, Levi’s already moved to sit down as
his desk, and is no longer looking at him. For a desperate second, Eren teeters
there – and then something warm and comforting and all-together lovely seems to
spread out through his chest, and he can’t stop a grin as he picks up his bag
again. Realizes he’s still smiling a bit even by the time he’s done putting
everything away, and turns back to find Levi staring at him from where he’s
sitting at the desk. It’s enough to make Eren stop smiling – is horribly sure
that he blushes, instead, even as the warmth in his chest blooms a bit brighter
– and then Levi waves his hand in a way that seems to encompass the room.
“Do whatever you want until you’re tired. Read. Write. Draw. Stare out the
window. I don't care. Just don't be noisy.”
“Yes, s-sir – Levi.”
“Is ‘sir Levi’ going to become a thing, then?”
“I – right. I’ll do my best to just go with one.”
“You’re a smart boy. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“You think?”
And – god. It’s like he’s completely lost control of his mouth, tonight.
Probably something to do with the fact that he’s in Levi’s bedroom, and that
Levi looks painfully good by torchlight. There’s nothing but the candles on his
desk and the few torches on the wall, and Eren’s fingers are suddenly aching
with how badly he’d like to touch, even as Levi scowls a bit harder at him.
“Stop fishing for compliments.”
“I –” wasn’t. “Sorry. I’ll just – I think I’m going to turn in, actually.
Tired.”
“Suit yourself.”
Levi’s already gone back to looking at the papers in front of him, and Eren –
realizes, suddenly, that he’s still in his clothes from the day. Clothes that
he cleaned the stables in. Wavers horribly – but he can clearly imagine what
Levi would have to say about him dirtying the sheets. Pushes down a painful
flush as he turns and goes back to the trunk, keeping his back to Levi as he
slides out of his shirt and pants, and pulls on clean ones. Pushes the dirty
things up against the wall – hopefully out of the way, but he doesn’t want to
put them in the chest with his clean stuff – and then turns back around to find
Levi not looking at him. Of course he isn’t. Why would he be? Eren’s suddenly
aching a bit inside, and he quickly slides in under the covers and takes a deep
breath and –
Oh, that was a mistake. The sheets smell like Levi. Somehow, stupidly, it’s
enough to make tears prick at his eyes; and Eren quickly presses his face into
the pillow and pulls the blankets up around him. Maybe it’s safe to say that
he’s got more than a crush, then. And he really can’t think of a worse
punishment for that than the situation he’s in right at this very moment.
- - -
When Eren wakes up again, the first thing he registers is surprise that he even
managed to fall asleep at all. The second is that there’s still one torch
burning on the wall, and that the building is completely quiet around them, and
that Levi is a warm line pressed all up along the side of his body.
It takes everything Eren has to bite back a whimper. Closes his eyes again and
just holds on tight to the blanket. In the quiet room, even the sound of Levi’s
soft breathing is loud, and Eren can feel the touch of him all along his side
like a burn, and – this is so unfair. This is so colossally unfair, and –
Levi makes a noise that sounds pained, and Eren goes very, very still. Waits a
moment, and then – carefully – turns onto his other side, so he can look at
Levi. Levi, who’s frowning even harder in sleep than he normally does when he’s
awake, as though he’s in the midst of some horrible nightmare; and Eren doesn’t
know whether to feel awful for him, or whether to be scared that Levi will kick
his ass if he ever finds out that Eren’s seen him like – and then another
pained little whine drives away anything but concern, and Eren takes a deep
breath. Notices that Levi is sweating a little, even, the pale skin of his face
damp in the torchlight; and his body has tightened up, and – there’s another
whine, Levi’s lips pressing together; and Eren clearly has a death wish,
because he puts a hand on his shoulder. Can’t just lie here and watch this
happen without doing anything. Barely bites back a yelp when Levi’s hand snaps
down around his wrist before his eyes are even fully open – and then Levi’s
staring at him, his eyes gone wide, for once, in the dim light; and Eren
swallows hard and hopes Levi’s not going to rearrange all the bones in his
wrist.
“What are you doing.”
It sounds like he’s about a second away from throwing punches, and Eren takes
another deep breath. Doesn’t dare to try to move his wrist. Tries to breathe
through the way his chest has gone tight.
“Y-you were – having a nightmare.”
And – he doesn’t know what he’d expected, but it’s not for Levi to stare at
him, and then – remove his hand, freeing Eren’s aching wrist, as his eyes drop
down somewhere around Eren’s chest, and his expression pinches into something
that, on anyone else, Eren would call it insecure. It’s so unexpected it hurts,
and Eren has no idea what to say as Levi doesn’t look at him.
“If you wish to sleep elsewhere, I’m sure –”
“Is there anything I can do?” He barely recognizes his own voice – Levi,
vulnerable; it’s like watching the rain fall up instead of down – and his words
waver a bit when Levi still doesn’t look at him. “To – help. Some kind of
sleeping aid I could prepare, maybe?”
“I dislike anything that may affect my concentration.”
“I –”
“And if you tell anyone about this –”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Good. See that it stays that way.”
Levi’s still not looking at him, though, and his shoulders are hunched in like
someone’s been hitting him, and Eren – is definitely in over his head, here.
Wants, suddenly, for Erwin to step in and take over. He’s pretty sure that, of
everyone in the world, Erwin’s probably the only one even remotely equipped to
deal with this – Eren certainly isn’t. Lies back down against the pillow, even
as Levi stays stiff beside him; and Eren stares at the lines of his face for a
moment longer before he closes his eyes and barely gets the words out. Maybe he
really does have a death wish.
“If you need me, I’m here.”
It sounds like a cannon shot in the silent room, and Eren expects a scathing
reminder of how Levi doesn’t need anyone, and certainly not him; but there’s
nothing for a painful while, until Levi lies back down, not quite touching him
but not that far away, either; and Eren squeezes his eyes tight shut, holds on
to the blankets, and knows that he’s not falling asleep any time soon.
- - -
When Eren wakes up, Levi’s standing beside the wooden bathtub in the corner.
There’s a towel around his waist, and his back is to Eren, long and lean and so
very pale. There are scars down the length of him, and his wet hair is dripping
down his shoulders, and Eren flushes straight up his entire body, shaky and hot
and he feels so young and stupid,suddenly – doesn’t realize he’s made a noise
until Levi turns around. Stands there gorgeous and inscrutable as always, as
Eren stops breathing; and then a hand falls to a line of silver across Levi’s
stomach.
“I guess you’ll never have these.”
His scars. He thinks Eren’s staring because – Eren unclenches his hands from
the blankets. Still can’t quite manage to speak, but Levi’s already moving,
crossing the room to a wardrobe; and Eren won’t survive watching Levi lose the
towel and get dressed. Hides in the blankets until there are footsteps beside
the bed, and he looks up to find Levi glaring down at him, fully dressed.
“You know where to find fresh water, if you want. Meet me at the stables in an
hour.”
“Yes, sir.”
“You’re in my bed. Drop the –”
“R-right. I’ll try.”
“See that you do.”
Levi looks just as he always done – cravat in place, perfect clothes, not a
speck of grunge, and that perpetual scowl back on his face – and Eren wants to
reach out and mess him up. Watches as Levi turns and leaves; and then Eren
drops his face back into the pillow and pulls in a groan that fills his nose
with the scent of Levi’s bed – because obviously the situation wasn’t cruel
enough already.
- - -
The day passes like any other. Levi gives directions, Eren follows them. Levi’s
gone on another cleaning spree, which means that everyone has been roped into
doing the same; and Eren, thankfully, gets to spend some time with Mikasa and
Armin, cleaning one of the dungeons. It’s a nice distraction from the image
behind his eyes, of Levi tossing and turning on the sheets, mussed up and
hurting and far-too-human, for once; but it’s a reprieve that can’t last.
Eventually, once the day is done and the dishes from dinner have been cleaned
away and everyone is settling in for the night, he has to wander back to Levi’s
room, which is – empty. Cold and dark and empty; and Eren lights one of the
torches and then goes to sit at the window ledge. Changes into his night
clothes and then takes one of Levi’s books with him – it’s a book on fighting
technique, sitting on the edge of the desk; and he hesitates only for a moment
before picking it up – and curls up on the large window-ledge, the torch beside
him giving him just enough light to read by.
Still, Levi doesn’t come back, as the building goes completely quiet and the
stars come out; and Eren props himself better against the wall and concentrates
on keeping his eyes open. He doesn`t think Levi would let Eren kick him out of
his own bedroom – he’s pretty sure the only one who can makeLevi do anything is
Erwin – but he’d rather stay awake and be completely sure.
- - -
When he wakes up, he’s under the blankets, and there’s a single torch burning.
Beside him, Levi is sliding in under the covers – it’s the movement that woke
him – and Eren goes hot inside as he realizes what’s happened. Taps into years
of practice at pushing away that unpleasant burn of embarrassment.
“Did you carry me?”
Levi goes still, for a moment, and then makes a scoffing noise as he lies down
the rest of the way, not touching Eren anywhere as he does so. Pulls the
blanket up and lies with his back to Eren.
“Go to sleep, brat.”
It doesn’t sound as harsh as it normally does, though, and Eren doesn’t fight
the smile. Breathes through the ache in his stomach, and closes his eyes,
fighting the way every inch of him is aching to move closer.
- - -
This time, he gets punched in the face.
He’s upright and hitting back before he realizes what’s happened. Misses Levi’s
head by inches, and then reels away and spits out blood. Loses a tooth again,
even. Winces through it and scrambles back as Levi lashes out again, silent,
fist making contact with Eren’s shoulder, pain blooming as he hits the floor,
hard. Scrambles back up as Levi’s fist nearly makes contact with the headboard
– and Levi’s going to kill him, after this, but Eren can’t care. This can’t
continue.
At any other time, he’s sure that Levi could put him on the floor in seconds.
Has, in fact, many times before. But Levi’s asleep, and Eren’s not. Which is
the only reason for why he manages to end up sprawled on top with Levi’s wrists
pinned above him; and Eren lets the full weight of his body down, trying to
keep Levi from throwing him off, and – god. He’s never seen a nightmare like
this.
“Wake up, wake up, Levi – Levi, it’s me, you’re going to hurt yourself, let me
– wake up, wake –”
When Levi’s eyes finally snap open, Eren realizes that they’re both shaking.
Can’t seem to move. Levi looks – not frightened, not quite. But – shaken. Truly
shaken. And it feels worse than being punched. Enough that it takes Eren a
second to remember that he can move – and then he scrambles off. Kneels on the
bed and spits out more blood. The sheets are already ruined. Wraps his arms
around himself and waits for what to do next. Can’t stop a flinch when Levi
touches his arm, and – Levi looks upset, but that’s insane. He’s done much
worse to Eren during their practices.
“It’s – nothing, I’m – I’m fine. I –”
“The fact that you will heal does not make this ‘fine’.”
Levi’s voice sounds like it’s been put through a shredder, and Eren can’t look
at him anymore. Feels himself flush as Levi’s fingers trace the edge of his
cheek. Digs his own fingers into the mattress underneath him. Wants, suddenly,
to be someone Levi can come to, when he needs a friend. When he needs to not be
perfect. Wants to be someone Levi can be vulnerable with.
“Does this happen often?”
He barely gets it out, as Levi kneels there and keeps a hand on his face; and
then the hand drops away, and Eren barely has time to be disappointed before
Levi’s sliding to his feet, not looking at him.
“There are clean sheets in –”
“Levi.”
He’s prying. And he’s probably going to get punched in the face again. But it’s
late and he wants to be more than just the kid Levi has to watch out for. Wants
– doesn’t want Levi to hurt like this.
“Some nights are worse than others.”
Levi’s still not looking at him, and his white top is stained with Eren’s
blood, and he’s gathered up the blankets like he’s about to pull them all of –
and Eren doesn’t know what to do, anymore. Helps Levi change the bed in
silence, until – that’s definitely a tooth hitting the floor, tumbling out of
the blankets; and Eren runs his tongue over where the gap has already been
filled. Looks up to find Levi looking as close to freaked out as he ever gets;
and Eren surprises himself with the wave of protectiveness. Levi has never
seemed like someone who needed protecting from anything.
“It’s fine. Already healed.”
“That’s not the –”
“Does it help, ever? Sharing a bed with someone?”
“You’re changing the –”
“If me being here might help, even a bit, I want to stay.”
Because Eren knows what’s coming. Levi’s going to go to Erwin, tomorrow, and
demand a different sleeping situation. And maybe Eren’s more of a masochist
than he thought, or maybe he needs to be here, to take care of Levi. The way
Levi’s taken care of him. Either way, as he picks up the tooth from the floor
and throws it in the garbage, he knows he really doesn’t want to leave.
“That’s not your decision.”
“But –”
“Let’s get this cleaned up. We still have a few hours until dawn.”
Eren doesn’t argue. Helps Levi strip the bed without either of them really
looking at each other, and then Eren puts down new sheets while Levi starts to
strip out of his bloodied clothes. Keeps his back to Levi as he wipes the blood
off his face and changes out of his own clothes, finding something else
suitable for bed – and then turns to find Levi in his full uniform, cravat and
all. It’s like being punched in the stomach.
“But –”
“Go back to sleep.”
“I – it’s your bed, I –”
“Enough, Eren.”
And Eren knows that voice. That’s the captain speaking, more than anything; and
he grinds his teeth together as he sits down on the side of the bed, flinching
when the door shuts behind him.
- - -
Eren doesn’t sleep.
He spends the next few hours staring at the ceiling, the night crawling by,
until he finally gets up and goes to fetch some warm water, though the bath he
takes does nothing to calm him down. It’s still far too early – nobody is awake
– and he ends up taking Levi’s book and going to sit under a tree in the
courtyard. The sun’s just barely coming up, and the grass is damp, and
everything’s foggy – but he can’t concentrate on the book, or the beauty around
him. Ends up leaning against the tree and scowling down at the dirt until he
hears footsteps, and looks up to find Levi watching him. For a moment, they
stare at each other; and then Levi comes over to lean against the tree beside
him, and it takes everything Eren has to not move closer. Clutches tight to the
book and doesn’t know what to say.
“I’ll talk to Erwin once he wakes up.”
Levi sounds just as put-together as he always does – sounds like not a single
thing has changed between them – and it makes something twist in Eren’s
stomach. Makes him hold the book a bit tighter, even as Levi walks away again,
leaving Eren standing alone under the tree, feeling cold inside.
- - -
The day drags on like some of the worst days in his early military training.
Mikasa and Armin, unfortunately, are somewhere else, which leaves Eren with
nothing but his own thoughts – until he gets matched up with Sasha for stable
duty, which helps a bit. It’s a distraction, even if her normally-welcome
enthusiasm is a bit much for him; and it’s only when the day’s over and the
dinner dishes have been cleared away that Eren realizes he has no idea where’s
meant to be sleeping. Turns his feet towards Levi’s room – his things are still
there, anyway – and opens the door to find Levi glaring out the window.
Hesitates, then closes it, even as Levi turns to direct that glare at him.
“I could think of no feasible reason to convince Erwin to get you out of here.
I’d either come across as unbalanced, or like I’m having trouble keeping my
hands to myself.”
The very thought is enough to make Eren’s entire body burn, the words cool and
calm from Levi’s mouth, and – god. He doesn’t dare say anything. Sets Levi’s
book down on the desk and – notices, then, the bed that’s been made up on the
concrete floor. It won’t be comfortable, but it’ll do. Doesn’t look at Levi as
he moves to stand beside it – at least he’s not going to have to worry about
getting Levi’s sheets grungy – and then looks up when Levi makes a noise that
sounds almost pained.
“The floor is for me, you idiot.”
“But – this is your room. I can’t –”
“What you can and can’t do is –”
“No, but – this is – this is ridiculous, this –” And Levi looks like he wants
to punch him, now, but he’s already knocked out a tooth today, so maybe Eren
can get away with this. “You can’t hurt me. Alright? And I certainly won’t
sleep if you’re sleeping on the concrete floor, and – you take such good care
of me, Levi, all the damn time, and – can’t I want to do something for you,
too?”
And that’s – way too much honesty, and Eren’s heart is beating hard enough to
hurt. He’s glad he set the book down, because his hands are sweaty, and he’d
probably drop it. In front of him, Levi’s only reaction is to stare at him, as
emotionless as he always strives for – and then his eyebrows knit together.
“You’re an odd individual.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Don’t get cheeky.”
“But –”
“Yes, it’s a yes. If only because I don’t fancy you sulking at me all night.”
“I would, too.”
“I’m well aware. Now get your ass into that bed and shut up so I can at least
try to sleep.”
There’s maybe something fond underneath the growl, and Eren bites down a grin
as he starts picking up the bedding from the floor. Three days ago, the idea of
sharing a bed with Levi had been a special kind of torment; and now here is he,
volunteering – though maybe it’s not so surprising. If Levi will let Eren do
something nice for him – if he’ll let Eren stop him from trying to punch holes
in the walls, at least – then it’s an opportunity that Eren’s not going to
waste.
- - -
Levi doesn’t wake up all night, and he doesn’t punch Eren in the face again.
It’s only when the sun’s coming up that they both crack their eyes open, and
Eren doesn’t know what it is – doesn’t know if it’s a fluke, or if it’s the
result of Levi knowingly bunking with someone who can handle the nightmares –
but he knows he must be smirking when Levi rolls over under the blankets and
fixes him with a glare that looks less than impressed.
“Don’t get smug.”
“Me?”
“Oh, hell. Please tell me you’re not thinking of degenerating into a sarcastic
little shit.”
“That would be your influence, I think.”
“Alright, it’s far too early for this. Get up. Go do productive things.”
“Yes, sir.”
He grins his way through saying it, as much as he can manage while only half-
awake; and when Levi just fixes him with a glare and then puts his face back
into the pillow, Eren just grins a bit harder.
“First bath is yours. I want thirty more minutes of rest. If you’re noisy, it
will end badly for you.”
It’s the perfect set-up for a quip about Levi’s charming personality, but
Eren’s pretty sure he’s gotten away with enough sarcasm for one morning.
Doesn’t even know where this sudden playfulness is coming from. Whatever the
case, he just grins a bit harder and slides out of bed, though he has a moment
of desperately hoping that Levi will sleep through him taking a bath. The last
thing Eren needs is to have to put all his effort into not drowning before he’s
even had breakfast.
- - -
It’s a good day.
Eren doesn’t knock himself out and drown in the bathtub, largely because Levi
doesn’t even get out of bed until Eren is dressed. It gives Eren the excuse to
run off before Levi starts taking his clothes off, and Eren ends up making
breakfast with Armin and Mikasa, just in time for everyone to start filing into
the kitchen. Both the morning and the afternoon are spent on sparring – Levi’s
nowhere to be seen, but Mikasa is more than capable of leading the class – and
by the time Eren’s back in Levi’s room, he feels better then he has in a long
time. Doesn’t realize he’s humming to himself until Levi looks up from his
paperwork and gives him a look that promises certain death unless he stops; and
Eren bites down on a grin, and decides to keep working his way through Levi’s
book. Curls up cross-legged on the bed and wishes for pen and paper to take
notes with. Armin was always the best, of the three of them, at simply reading
things and remembering them. Sits there and reads until the pages are starting
to go all fuzzy, and then sets the book on the floor and slides in under the
covers, letting the soft scratch of Levi’s pen lure him off to sleep.
- - -
Eren wakes up with Levi outright whimpering next to his ear.
It’s enough to jolt him awake, but Levi’s not throwing punches, at least – his
arms are wrapped around himself, and he’s shaking so hard Eren can feel it –
and Eren spares a moment to be grateful that Levi always leaves a torch
burning. Grateful that he’s able to see a bit. Reaches out and carefully puts a
hand on Levi’s shoulder – but Levi doesn’t grab him. Doesn’t wake up. Doesn’t
react at all – and the wave of unease tastes bitter in Eren’s mouth as he
shakes him with both hands. Shakes him a bit harder when he gets no reaction,
and – Eren doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t want to startle him too badly – and
then Levi makes the most horrible sound Eren has ever heard from him, flinching
and curling in on himself like he’s been hit – and Eren must have completely
lost his sense of sanity, because he’s wrapping his arms around him and pulling
him in close. Has to do something.

It’s awkward – Levi’s body is ramrod stiff, and Eren gets an arm over him with
no problem, but sliding the other underneath him is trickier – but Levi doesn’t
react, just lies there and shakes; and Eren closes his eyes and holds on as
tight as he dares. Slowly moves in closer until Levi’s face is pressed against
his shoulder, his own arms still wrapped around himself within the cradle of
Eren’s arms; and he still doesn’t wake up. Which is probably a good thing for
Eren – Levi might well start throwing punches on purpose, when he finds them
like this – but definitely not a good thing for Levi; and Eren ends up stroking
a hand up and down Levi’s back. Is pretty sure he can feel almost every knob of
Levi’s spine. Let’s his mouth go and starts talking about anything that comes
to mind, trying to keep the waver out of his voice; until Levi slowly,
gradually, stops shaking against him, his body losing some of its tension and
his breath coming more steadily against his shoulder. Eren can feel, though,
the second that Levi wakes up – because he goes ramrod stiff again, and Eren
stops talking and doesn’t dare to move. Closes his eyes and prepares to be
knocked out of the bed and onto the floor.
“I dreamed that Leonhart won.”
It’s barely audible – sounds ragged, like Levi’s been yelling – and Eren blinks
back the tears and tightens his grip, pulls Levi in a bit closer, only then
realizing what a bad idea that is – but Levi lets him. Doesn’t try to move
away. Presses his face into Eren’s shoulder and just lets Eren hold him, their
hearts slamming together between them; and Eren’s not sure how long they lie
there, and he knows that Levi’s never going to forgive him for Eren seeing him
like this – but Eren can’t worry about that now. Closes his eyes and doesn’t
dare to move, hoping desperately that Levi might fall back asleep – but as the
minutes slowly slide past, silently, Levi gets tenser and tenser until Eren
takes the hint and pulls back – and that’s not nearly enough room between them.
Levi is inches away, and he looks – well. Some mixture of exhausted and shaken
and absolutely fucking furious – whether with himself, or with Eren – and Eren
nearly trips over the words.
“S-sorry, you j-just – I couldn’t wake y-you, and –”
Levi cuts him off with a shake of his head. Drops his eyes down to somewhere
around Eren’s shoulder, and then places his head back on the pillow, still so
close Eren can nearly feel him breathing.
“Go back to sleep.”
“But – are you –”
“I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“I – r-right. Okay.”
He trips over the few simple syllables, because he has no idea how this is
happening. Levi’s not kicking him out. Is still lying far too close, his arms
gone back around himself; and Eren turns onto his stomach – gets as comfortable
as he can, since he knows he won’t be sleeping any time soon – and closes his
eyes, knowing that he won’t survive watching Levi from this close up, and –
“Thank you.”
He barely hears it, but there’s no mistaking it, and – Eren swallows, hard, as
his chest goes all tight and something swoops low and hot in his stomach. Knows
to not make a big deal of this, even if he suddenly feels like it’s flying, a
little bit. Waits until he’s pretty sure his voice won’t shake.
“You’re welcome.”
Levi doesn’t make any other kind of response, but Eren doesn’t need one. Simply
keeps his eyes shut and concentrates on the places where their bodies are
almost touching, the heat seeping into his skin and his heart beating too hard;
and somehow he’s pretty sure he feels safer than he has in years.
- - -
When Eren wakes up, Levi’s already gone.
There’s no sign of him all throughout the day, either – and then one of the
repair crew informs Eren that his room is ready, and he feels cold and shaky
inside when he goes to Levi’s room at the end of the day. There’s no sign of
Levi, still; and Eren debates just taking his things and leaving, because
there’s probably no excuse for him to be here anymore – but he can’t do it.
Instead, stretches out on his stomach on the bed – because, at the very least,
he wants to thank Levi for giving him somewhere to stay. Ends up lying with his
face in the blanket, and just barely manages not to doze off. Props his chin up
on his arm and swallows hard as Levi enters the room, closing the door and
giving him the blankest expression Eren has seen from him in days.
“Your room is ready.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you here?”
Not the slightest glimmer of warmth. Nothing to hint at the last four days. In
fact, Levi hasn’t looked at him like that in a long, long time; and it takes
Eren a few seconds before he’s able to get up and start moving his things from
the trunk into his bag. Finishes the job with shaking hands, and turns back
around to find Levi already seated at the desk, paperwork in front of him – and
the emotion that sweeps through him is more anger than anything else. Makes him
want to break something.
“Will that be all, sir?”
Distantly, he’s proud of himself – he sounds just as cold as the man sitting in
front of him – and he hopes that Levi can’t see the way his knees have gone
shaky. For a moment, Levi stares at him, and Eren feels the space between them
like one of the oceans that Armin is always dreaming about – and then it’s like
a crack splits down Levi’s expression, and it’s enough to deflate the anger as
quickly as it had come, because – maybe Eren isn’t the only one who’s lost
here.
“I – apologize. I – you’ve done nothing wrong, and I’m the one acting like a
child.”
And that’s – that’s so unprecedented that Eren has no idea what to say. Can’t
do anything as Levi gets to his feet, still so much space in between them. For
a moment, they just watch each other – and maybe Eren actually is brave in ways
other than killing titans, because he sets his bag down.
“In that case, why not let me stay a few more nights.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“That just makes it sound so much worse.”
“If anyone asks, we can just tell them I get nightmares and don’t want to sleep
alone.”
For a moment, he’s not sure whether Levi’s going to laugh – unlikely, given
that he’s never even seen the man smile – or punch him in the face; and then
his face does something that looks as closed to amused as Eren’s ever seen him
get, and Eren can’t stop himself from grinning like an idiot.
“You really are becoming a little shit.”
“Maybe I had a good teacher.”
“Try it outside this room, and I’ll knock you on your ass so hard you won’t
heal for days.”
“Duly noted, sir.”
He’s still grinning, though, and Levi gives him a rather unimpressed look
before he sits down and makes an obvious show of going back to his paperwork;
and Eren breathes through the wave of contentment as he drops his bag by the
bed. He won’t unpack it just yet – doesn’t want to push his luck – but he yanks
out his sketchpad, at least, and lays down on the bed, his chest aching in a
way that feels good.
- - -
They have two undisturbed nights, and then a night where all it takes is a hand
on Levi’s shoulder to wake him up – and then three nights in a row where Levi
sleeps all the way through; and while Eren doubts the dark smudges under Levi’s
eyes will ever completely leave, he’d be blind to not notice the way Levi wakes
up less and less ornery with every passing morning. It’s amazing to watch,
really; and it’s worth every time that Eren has to look away while Levi’s
changing or bathing. Worth every time that Eren wakes up with Levi snuggled
close enough to make Eren ache all over. Worth the ridiculous way that Eren
eventually starts sneaking into the public washroom while everyone’s at lunch,
hiding away in one of the stalls and doing his best to not think about Levi
while he gets himself off. It’s nothing glamorous – nor is it particularly
relaxing, given that he can’t get a damn spot on his clothes – but it’s all
he’s got. And if hiding away like he’s discovering masturbation for the first
time is the price to pay for sleeping next to Levi and getting to see his
adorable bedhead when he wakes up, then Eren is more than willing to pay it.
Amazingly, too, an extra chair appears by the end of the week, along with a
cleared-off corner of the desk for Eren to work at – something that Levi
brushes off like it’s nothing, but that makes Eren feel like he’s flying. His
belongings all end up back in the trunk, too; and he finishes the book on
fighting techniques, and then starts working his way through the rest of Levi’s
collection. And then there’s a night where they both end up lying on the bed,
awake, Eren with a book and Levi with a sketchpad; and as Eren lies there and
tries not to spy on the weapon that Levi is sketching, he knows by the pained
tightness in his chest that he should be trying to stop himself from just
falling harder and harder – but he just can’t help himself. Doesn’t know if
he’d stop if he even could.
- - -
Eren wakes up with Levi’s mouth pressed against his neck.
It’s like someone’s dumped oil into his veins and lit him up from the inside.
He’s lying on his back, and Levi’s slid partially on top of him, with an arm
across his chest. For a terrifying few moments, he can’t breathe. Then, Levi
moves – drags his mouth across Eren’s skin, damp and soft and gorgeous, but
Levi is still sleeping, and – Eren whimpers. Puts his hands on Levi to push him
away – but Levi’s already jerking back. Wide-eyed and flushed, his mouth
hanging open. Staring at Eren like he’s the most horrifying thing he’s ever
seen.
“S-sorry.”
Eren doesn’t know why he’s apologizing. Doesn’t think it was his fault. Has to
say something. Levi just stares, and then sucks in a sharp breath, looking
almost frozen in place.
“Don’t. I’m the one who –”
“It’s alright. I didn’t m-mind, you didn’t do anything I didn’t –”
Stops. I didn’t mind. Closes his eyes and waits to be thrown out on his ass.
Thinks, distantly, that this feels a bit like when you miss a step on the
stairs, and everything comes crashing down.
“I am your superior officer. I am twice your age. This is something that you
really should mind.”
And Levi – doesn’t sound like himself. Sounds rattled. It’s enough to make Eren
get his eyes open. Levi’s still flushed, and he hasn’t moved off Eren yet – and
then his eyes drop down to Eren’s mouth, and Eren can’t stop the shudder, and
Levi shakes his head again and jerks his eyes back up.
“You need to leave.”
“What if I d-don’t want to?”
“Eren.”
Eren puts a hand on Levi’s chest, against the soft material of his nightshirt,
and flushes even worse at Levi's sharp little inhale. Levi’s looking at him
like he wants him - looking at him like Eren's someone worth being stared at -
and Eren can feel himself shaking, his heart slamming so hard it hurts - and
then Levi grabs his wrist, only to let him go again and get to his feet,
feeling like he takes all the warmth and part of Eren’s heart with him.
“You’re going back to your room. Tonight.”
“Levi –”
“We can’t do this. We’re not doing this. Get up, get your stuff, and get the
fuck out.”
It’s always been a little scary, how lethal-sounding Levi can get; and Eren
doesn’t much like having it directed at him. Stares up at the sudden mask of
Levi’s face, and then slides out of the bed and gathers his things as quickly
as he can. Scoops up his books and sketchpads and clothes from the trunk,
before going to his corner of the desk and fumbling for anything he’d left
there. Shoves all of it into his bag, while Levi just stands beside the bed, no
longer looking at him; and Eren slings his bag over his shoulder, blinks hard
against the burn behind his eyes, and walks out on legs that barely hold him.
***** Chapter 2 *****
By the time he gets back to his room, his legs are even shakier, and he does
nothing more than drop his bag by the bed before curling up on the bare
mattress. Can’t be bothered to light a torch, or find some sheets and pillows
and blankets. He hurts worse than the time Levi beat the shit out of him.
Closes his eyes and wraps his arms around himself, the chill of his room slowly
seeping into him.
- - -
Levi’s not at breakfast. Or dinner. Or during chores, or at sparring practice.
Doesn’t make an appearance at all during the day. Where he is, Eren has no idea
– probably taking the chance to go off and do important corporal stuff – and
the absence hurts. God, he’s fucked this up. Or, maybe, if he can let himself
believe it – maybe they’ve fucked it up. As insane as it is, that moment
between them hadn’t quite felt one-sided – so maybe Eren’s not completely to
blame. It doesn’t make him feel much better, though. Levi’s still never going
to let him in that close again.
- - -
It’s only when the day’s done and he’s finally unpacking his things – has
gotten a sheet down on the bed, and everything – that he realizes that he
accidentally brought back one of Levi’s books with him – and one of his poetry
books, at that. There’d been a few tucked in between all the books on warfare.
For a long moment, Eren can only stare at it. Thinks that, if this were the
kind of love story that you read about, this would be the moment when he’d find
a fitting poem, something about second chances; and bookmark the page with a
note to Levi, and leave the book on Levi’s desk for him to find.
But this isn’t that kind of story. At best, Levi finds him tolerable, and maybe
not hard to look at. At worst, he just reacted to waking up with his face
buried into the neck of a warm body; and either way, Eren needs to leave it
alone. Puts the book by his bed, for now. He can bring it back tomorrow.
- - -
Eren wakes himself up yelling, the taste of titan blood in his mouth.
For a horrifying moment, he’s in freefall, bolting upright in the dark room –
and then the irony hits like a fist, and he starts to laugh. It’s a horrid
sound, even to his own ears – and it’s been a long time since he cried, but he
doesn’t try to stop it when he lies down on his side and his laughter slowly
gives way into tears.
- - -
He gets through the next few days by sheer will. Gets really uneasy when he
still can’t seem to find Levi anywhere – and short of going to his room, he
really has no options to change that. Isn’t sure whether he’s glad that Mikasa
and Armin are off at a training camp. He’s not sure he wants to talk about any
of this yet, but being alone doesn’t seem to be doing him any favours, either.
Catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror at the end of day four, and – wow.
If the smudges under his eyes get any darker, he’s going to look like – and his
hair looks like birds have been nesting in it. Has a moment of wanting to punch
Levi in his stupid attractive face – and then, instead, curls up on the bed and
starts working his way through the poetry book, because he’s just that much of
a masochist.
It’s a decision he regrets almost immediately, and he gets to his feet after
about the first five poems on love and loss. Runs a hair through his disastrous
hair and clutches tight to the book as he heads for Levi’s room. He’s his
corporal, and they could be called into battle at any time. Whatever it is
that’s broken here, they really need to fix it. Eren can’t afford to be at odds
with him just because he’s a pathetic teenager who’s possibly in love with the
orneriest bastard in the history of humankind. It takes him several attempts
before he knocks on the door, and when he gets no response, he isn’t sure
whether he’s shaky from frustration or relief. Bites out a curse and heads back
down the hall –
And rounds the corner and smashes right into Levi, who catches him, and stops
him from falling. For a moment, they just stare at each other, and Eren’s
pretty sure he’s never going to breathe again – and then Levi mutters, “You’ve
got to be fucking kidding me,” and firmly stands him up before stepping
backwards. Puts a sold amount of space in between them even as Eren swallows
hard and shoves out the book.
“I – this w-was in my bag.”
It’s barely a stutter, and he sounds like such a stupid teenager; and Levi just
stares at him, before moving past him and opening the door to his room, and
Eren – shouldn’t follow. Does, anyway. He needs to give the book back. They
need to fix this. Hesitates before closing the door – but he does, in the end.
Whatever conversation they might be about to have, nobody else needs to hear
it.
"I just – I didn’t mean t-to take it, and I know you probably don’t want to
talk to m-me, but –”
“You look like crap.”
“Says you.”
He regrets it before it’s even out, but – Levi does look like crap, actually.
Not that there’s a speck of dirt anywhere, or a crease in his clothes, but the
bags under his eyes are back to being awful –
Oh, right. Mouthing off to his commanding officer, when things are already
tense. No wonder Levi’s openly glaring at him now; and Eren meekly sets the
book down on the table, leaving them each standing on a separate side of it.
For a moment, Eren remembers sitting at the corner of the table and reading,
while Levi slowly cursed his way through a pile of paperwork – brings his eyes
back up to find Levi watching him with such an inscrutable expression it’s
almost frightening. Certainly it’s not something that Eren wants directed at
him; and he bites down the wave of irritation.
“So, what, are we just going to pretend nothing happened?”
“Careful, Eren.”
“Why didn’t you want me sleeping here, then? The nightmares, or because you
really did have trouble keeping your hands to yourself?”
He’s going to die. He’s actually going to get smeared into a mess against the
wall.
“Both.”
He stops breathing. Oh, god.
“I’ll be honest with you – you deserve that much, at least. Letting you stay
was a stupid fucking idea, but it’s been years since I shared a bed, so I did
it anyway. And since I’m the adult here –”
“I’m not a child.”
“I’ll take my part of the responsibility. You’re well within your rights to
report me –”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Good. It’d be awkward to find you another qualified handler.”
Levi’s expression has barely changed this they started talking, and Eren can’t
do anything but gape. Stares at Levi from across the desk and realizes he’s
going to break the book if he squeezes it any harder. Puts it down with hands
that shake, and – he can barely breathe. Levi wants him, too.
“So – y-you – you want –”
“You’re seventeen.”
“Oh, what, so I can kill monsters and fight to save our species, but I’m not
old enough for sex?”
"Not with me. Now piss off and let me work.”
Still as expressionless as ever, and Eren – he knows what it’s like to quite
literally see red, and he’s reaching that point. Realizes his hands are balled
into fists at his sides, and does his best to unclench them. Can’t think of
what to say, but can’t quite make his legs work to leave, either.
“Get out of here, Eren. You’ll get over my pretty face soon enough.”
It’s said with what could almost be a smirk – one of the nastiest smirks Eren’s
ever seen, and not an expression he’s ever seen on Levi before – and he turns
and leaves before he either starts cursing and yelling or starts to cry. He’s
pretty sure Levi wouldn’t appreciate either of these options.
- - -
The next week is awful.
Mikasa and Armin come back, and though he can’t tell them everything, he also
knows they both know him more than well enough to see that he’s falling apart
inside. Tells them that he got into a fight with someone he likes, but that he
can’t tell them who – and, bless both of them, they don’t argue. They just
listen – Armin with his big concerned eyes, and Mikasa looking like she wants
to find this person and found him into a pulp – and Eren spends two nights
snuggled in the same bed with both of them, like when they were kids. It’s not
the same, but it does help a bit, at least.
Levi treats him pretty much the same as before. Maybe a bit colder, but, well –
he’d already been like that, so probably the only person who can tell is Eren.
There’s practice, and training, and stable cleaning, and trips out into varied
terrain to practice their three dimensional maneuvers – and through it all,
Levi never hints at anything that happened. Eren supposes it’s easier to brush
away physically wanting someone when there’s no emotions involved. He, on the
other hand, starts either dreaming about Levi naked – it had been a regular
occurrence before, but nothing quite like this – or dreaming about Levi being
killed right in front of him, with Eren unable to move; and by the end of the
week he’s so tired it’s a wonder he can move at all. Stumbles into his room at
the end of the day, and stops only long enough to grab his pile of sketchpads,
from where he’d shoved them all against the wall upon moving back into his
room. Drawing won’t help much – what he really needs is to punch something –
but it’ll be better than sitting and starting at the ceiling all night.
It takes him less than thirty seconds of sitting on his bed and sorting through
his sketchpads before he realizes that one of them isn’t his. Thinks back to
grabbing his things off Levi’s desk, and – Levi’s probably going to be more
pissed about this than the book. Opens it to double-check –
That’s not a weapon. That’s a sketch of a flower. And maybe he should have
opened to the front, because the back – he flips to another page, and, holy
shit, that’s a cat. A cat with kittens, even. Levi’s going to fucking kill him.
Weapons in the front and drawings of stupidly endearing things at the back.
It’s fitting, somehow; and Eren breathes through the tightness in his stomach
as he closes the pad. Doesn’t realize until he stands up that there’s a loose
page inside, somewhere – and when he leans down to pick it up off the floor, he
can actually feel himself go numb all over.
It’s him.
The page is wrinkled and creased, like it’s been crumpled up and then unfolded
again – but it’s definitely him. Curled up by the window, reading one of Levi’s
books by torchlight, and – Eren’s no art expert, but this is easily the closest
thing to affection Eren’s ever seen from Levi. This is – this is fondness and
soft lines and careful dips and curves – this is Eren drawn like he’s
beautiful, with gentle shading and incredible detail – and Eren sits down hard
on the bed as his knees give out.
“Shit.”
He barely chokes it out, and his chest hurts something awful. Blinks back the
sting of tears – but it’s not working. All this time, he’d been thinking he was
just the stupid kid Levi resented lusting after, but – you don’t draw something
like that unless there’s something more to it, maybe. He might not be a genius,
but he’s pretty sure he knows that much, at least. Carefully folds the paper
into sketchpad, and holds it to his chest, knowing that he needs to calm down
if this is going to work. Eren’s not a child – hasn’t been for a long time –
and Levi is damn well going to listen to him.
- - -
“Your continued presence here makes me wonder just how deep that masochistic
streak of yours runs.”
“Well, I do rip apart my own skin.”
They’re in Levi’s room – he’s gotten that far, at least, and the door’s closed
behind him – but there’s a gulf of space between them, and that was a bit
sharper than he meant it to be. He’s not nearly calm enough for this.
Immaculate and composed as ever, Levi just raises his eyebrows ever so slightly
– and Eren somehow keeps it together. Pulls the sketchpad out of his bag – he’d
figured that hiding it was the only way he’d get in the room – and holds it
out, his hands shaking.
“This is yours, too.”
And Levi – barely blinks. Doesn’t react at all the way Eren was expecting.
Hardly reacts at all. Simply reaches out to take it, and sets it down on the
desk beside them, as expressionless as ever.
“Is that all?”
It’s as bored as though Levi’s discussing their chores, and he’s watching Eren
like he’s the scum on his shoe that Levi’s too fucking phobic to scrape off –
and Eren wavers, his stomach turning. Watches Levi watches him, and then grinds
his teeth together. He’s fought titans. He can do this.
“If you’re gonna draw me like something from those poetry books you love so
much, you could at least kiss me.”
He’s not looking at Levi by the end of it, and he can barely hear his own voice
– but he’s said it, at least. Waits as the silence grows so loud it’s
smothering, and can’t quite make himself look at Levi.
“I was hoping you hadn’t seen that.”
“Well, I did.”
“So I gather.”
Levi’s voice is eerily flat, and the silence stretches further, until Eren
feels like his skin’s going to crawl off. Raises his eyes to find Levi watching
him with an expression Eren can’t read at all. Only realizes he’s moved closer
when he’s already done it. Puts a hand on Levi’s pale cheek – and Levi doesn’t
blink. Doesn’t blink, doesn’t step back, doesn’t move at all. Just stands there
as Eren swallows hard and – he doesn’t know how to kiss someone, but he does
it, anyway. Levi’s lips are dry, and Eren can’t breathe for how hard his heart
is beating when he pulls back, and – Levi’s cheeks are flushed. His hands are
on Eren’s hips. And Eren only realizes he’s been shoved against the wall when
he hits it, hard. Hits it with Levi’s mouth back on his, teeth and tongue, and
Eren closes his eyes and loses his air, spun around until his knees are hitting
the bed and he’s going down with Levi lying on top of him, heavy and warm and
biting out words against his lips.
“You just keep fucking pushing, can’t you just leave it, fucking –”
“Levi –”
“I can’t do this –”
Eren only realizes he’s wrapped his legs around Levi when he’s already done it,
keeping Levi from leaving. Blushes so hot it hurts, but – Levi’s making this
little rasping sound that might be laughter, their mouths still close together,
and – that’s definitely laughter. Grabs Eren’s legs and shoves them both even
further up the bed, bending Eren nearly in half and kissing him as he laughs.
“You little shit. That desperate to keep me, huh?”
“You’re the one who drew me like a fucking watercolour.”
Shit, that’s the wrong thing to – but Levi’s kissing him harder, and Eren
tightens his legs around Levi and squirms when Levi’s hands slide up under his
shirt, hot against his skin. Scrapes his nails along Eren’s sides and Eren
bucks into it, heat slamming down from his head to his legs. Only realizes he’s
whining when Levi shuts him up with another kiss, his mouth so hard it hurts.
“Tell me you’ve at least kissed someone before.”
Levi’s rattled, too. Eren can feel and hear it, the words shaky against his
mouth. Shakes his head, and Levi groans and stops moving completely, like a
wire breaking and leaving you in freefall – and Eren digs his hands into Levi’s
hair and holds him against his mouth, swallowing down the panic.
“Please, I want –”
“Eren –”
“I don’t want a-anyone else. I want – you, it’s been only you for so long –
wanted you since –”
Eren ends up half smothered under the press of Levi’s mouth, and is pretty sure
he’s not the only one panting. Digs his hands further into Levi’s hair and
tightens his legs around his waist. Bucks up when Levi’s teeth sink into his
neck – and then his pants are being yanked down, and Levi’s hand is hot on his
thigh, and Levi’s somehow crowding in even closer, breathing hard against his
mouth.
“Are you sure you –”
“Yes. Please, just –”
Levi kisses him the entire time.
Gets Eren’s pants shoved down just far enough, swipes his tongue across his own
palm, wraps his fingers around Eren’s dick, and never stops kissing him. Licks
into his mouth and bites at his lips and sucks his way down his neck and then
back up to his mouth again, and Eren can’t do anything but whine and shake, his
legs giving out and hitting the bed. Can barely arch up, but tries to, anyway,
as Levi jerks him off hard and fast and leaves him gasping into Levi’s mouth.
Pins him there, keeps him safe, as he kisses and bites until Eren come so hard
he can’t see for the white in his mind and the tears in his eyes. Realizes that
that whimpering sound is coming from him, and comes down with Levi’s arms
wrapped around him and his head shoved against Levi’s chest, and Levi’s fingers
in his hair and his mouth pressing kisses against the top of his head.
“Hey, shh, you’re alright.”
If anything it just makes him shake harder, and he bites back new tears. God.
What is wrong with him.
“S-sorry.”
Levi shakes his head against him, and combs his fingers through his hair.
Presses a kiss against the top of his head, and Eren has to close his eyes, the
too much of it all making him weak all over.
“Nothing to apologize for. Now shut up and let me enjoy this.”
Eren doesn’t quite laugh, but it’s a close thing. Still sounds too watery, but
he’s getting better. Grasps a bit blindly at Levi and tries to curl closer –
they’re already on their sides, with his head tucked under Levi’s chin, so it’s
not like there’s far for him to go – and flushes hot all over when Levi hisses,
and – right. Eren should – Levi’s hard against his leg, and Eren goes a bit
dizzy with it.
“Should I – I can – do you want me to –”
“Later.”
“But –”
“I can wait. Now shut the hell up and pass out already.”
Levi’s fingers are still in his hair, and his voice is lacking its normal bite,
and Eren’s going to cry like an idiot some more, if he’s not careful. Thinks
about arguing – but he’s exhausted. Knows Levi’s got to know that. Nods against
Levi’s chest and buries himself closer, closing his eyes as Levi’s fingers
never stop their movement through his hair, his heart beating right next to
Eren’s ear.
- - -
When Eren wakes up, the sun’s just staring to creep into the room.
He’s long since been cleaned up and tucked back into his pants, and Levi’s
still asleep beside him, in his pristine white night clothes and with his hair
a disaster against the pillow – and Eren breathes through the crushing wave of
affection, and raises his fingers to where his lips are still aching. Wants to
get himself in front of a mirror, and see just how much damage Levi did to his
neck. He’s gonna catch hell from the rest of the corps, he’s sure – but as long
as they never find out who, exactly, is to thank for the state that he’s in,
it’ll be worth every second of their teasing.
“Feeling pleased with yourself?”
Levi’s eyes aren’t even open. Eren swallows, hard, and tucks himself back in
under the blankets before Levi has the chance to leave. Doesn’t dare do more
than put his forehead against Levi’s shoulder – and then Levi twists around and
tugs Eren in until his chest is to Eren’s back, his arms wrapped tight around
Eren, and Eren shudders when Levi breathes hot and soft against his neck.
“Horrible influence. You’re making me want to take the day off.”
“Could w-we?”
“Only if we want Erwin to figure out that I’m fucking the teenaged hope for
humankind.”
His hand is sliding underneath Eren’s shirt, though, and Eren shudders again,
and closes his eyes. Realizes he’s twisting back against the press of Levi’s
cock against his ass, and blushes all over, but – Levi’s groaning against his
ear and tightening his grip, his nails biting into Eren’s stomach.
“Fucking menace, you are. Shit. Get out of here before I won’t let you leave.”
“Don’t w-want to leave.”
“I’m well aware.”
His teeth are on Eren’s neck, again, and Eren whimpers and tilts his head back
as best he can. Jumps when a hand slides down to grope him through his pants,
and squirms back harder against the erection behind him, Levi breathing hard
into his ear, his hips moving in a slow roll against his ass.
“You are awful. You are – we have shit to do. Get out of this bed.”
“Doesn’t seem like you w-want me gone.”
He flushes hot as he says it, and Levi’s arms clamp down around him, before he
rolls them over easy as breathing. Ends up flat on his back with Levi kissing
him, hard, licking into his mouth and palming him through his pants, and Eren
throws his head back when Levi’s teeth sink into his neck. Can’t do anything
but whine, twisting up hard, as Levi yanks at his pants with one hand –
“Wait.”
It sounds strangled to his own ears, and Levi completely freezes, and – shit,
that’s not what Eren meant. Presses a kiss to Levi’s motionless mouth and
blindly shoves his hand down between them, nearly passing out when Levi shivers
against him, his dick pressing up against Eren’s hand.
“I meant – I just – I want –”
“You’d like to get me off, you mean?”
It’s probably shakier than Levi meant it to be, and Eren closes his eyes and
nods, his skin flushing hot and his chest pulling way too tight – and then Levi
exhales against his mouth, and twists around until Eren’s chest is pressed to
his back, with his cock rubbing against Levi’s ass. Ends up with one arm
trapped underneath Levi’s body and the other draped over top, and then closes
his eyes as Levi finds his hand and yanks it down to rest over the hardness in
Levi’s pants.
“Like you would yourself. Easier.”
He sounds – not quite unsure, but maybe as hesitant as Levi ever gets – and
Eren only realizes he’s taken his hand back and wrapped both of his arms around
Levi when Levi goes still against him – but Eren’s not letting go. Needs to do
this. Shoves his face into Levi’s neck and holds on tight, his breath coming
shaky and Levi’s heart slamming underneath the tight circle of Eren’s arms.
“Don’t have to fucking sweet talk me into this.”
Eren still doesn’t let go. Holds Levi close and presses a kiss against his
neck. Does it again when Levi stays ramrod stiff against him – and again, with
his teeth, which has Levi hissing out a breath – and tilting his head back onto
Eren’s shoulder. Eren’s never felt so powerful. So protective. Shakes his way
through the rush and drops a hand to Levi’s pants, keeping his other arm
wrapped around him. If he’s going to do this, he’s doing it right.
“Swear to fuck, Eren, if you don’t start doing something –”
Levi stops talking when Eren undoes his pants. Unties the strings and tugs them
down, and tucks Levi’s nightshirt out of the way as best he can. Feels the way
Levi’s breathing goes ragged when Eren wraps a hand around him, and – it should
feel about the same as doing it to himself, but it doesn’t. It’s completely
different. And Levi’s nails are digging into his legs, even through his pants.
“Don’t just hold it, you fucking –”
“Aren’t I supposed to be the impatient teenager here?”
That gets something that’s almost a growl, and Eren breathes through the way
his heart jumps. Adjusts his grip – runs his thumb down the side and under the
head, just to feel Levi shake – and takes a deep breath. He’s done this to
himself a thousand times. Starts scraping his teeth across Levi’s neck as he
keeps his eyes open and lets his hand do what it wants. Gradually loses his own
breath as Levi’s pants get ever more ragged, until he’s twisting up hard into
Eren’s hand, his eyes squeezed shut.
“Alright?”
Levi just nods, panting too hard to speak, maybe; and Eren finally stops trying
to stop himself from grinding against Levi. Feels heat wash through the entire
length of him, and does it again, squirming against him, and never stopping the
movement of his hand. Realizes he’s been wasting a valuable opportunity, and
slides his free fingers along Levi’s chest, rubbing his nipple through the thin
white material. Gets a whine before Levi bites it down, flushed clean down his
neck and his teeth sunk into his own lip – and Eren has to close his eyes, the
threat of orgasm burning hot inside him – opens them again when he realizes
that Levi’s gone still, his fingers digging harder into Eren’s legs. Pulled
taught like a wire. Comes all over Eren’s hand with a gasping breath, like he’s
being punched. Shakes his way through it, and Eren keeps mouthing at his neck
and stroking, slowly gentling the movement, until Levi shakes his head and
shoves his hand away, tangling their fingers and dropping his head back further
against Eren’s shoulder as he pants, and –
Eren’s chest hurts. He closes his eyes, and holds on as tight as he can. Nearly
bites his tongue when Levi starts twisting back against him, slow and sure and
enough to make Eren shake. Opens his eyes to find a smirk on Levi’s lips, his
eyes still closed and his head still on Eren’s shoulder.
“Waiting for an invitation?”
He sounds exhausted, and Eren is so fucking gone over this man. Stops trying to
hold his hips back, and grinds hard against Levi until Levi squeezes their
fingers tighter and turns his head to bite Eren’s shoulder through his shirt –
goes a bit blind as he arches against Levi and comes so hard it hurts, making
stupid noises and shuddering, his heart slamming inside his chest and Levi’s
fingers wrapped up around his own. Comes back down to find Levi still smiling,
just slightly, his head dropped forward and his eyes closed, like he wants to
fall asleep right where he is, and – Eren thinks about speaking, but doesn’t.
Wouldn’t even know where to start. Holds on tight to Levi and closes his eyes,
too, his chest gone achy and something inside him feeling like it’s flying.
- - -
It’s Levi, of course, who finally drags them out of bed. Shoves Eren in the
direction of the bath, first, and then has him go get clean water for Levi to
use. Gets Eren shaky all over again at the sight of Levi naked and soaking wet
– and then Levi tugs him in for a hard kiss while he’s in the water, before
pushing him away. He’s not smiling anymore, but he still looks a bit softer
than normal.
“Best get going, then. Hanje’s taking you out today.”
“I – right.”
Eren has no idea what else to say or do. Hesitates, wavering, until Levi raises
his eyebrows at him – but there’s a smattering of soapsuds in his hair, and
Eren abruptly ends up biting down a grin, more than anything. Clears his throat
and can’t stop the little smile, some of his nerves washing away. He’s pretty
sure he can still feel the phantom touch of Levi’s fingers wrapped in with his
own.
“Just find a story for those bruises, and don’t treat me any different. Got
it?”
“Got it.”
“Good. Now scram, before I drag you in here with me.”
“Not good incentive to get me to leave.”
Levi gives him a look that could probably make an army turn tail and run, but
all it does is make Eren smile harder. Gives him the courage to put a hand on
Levi’s cheek and lean in for a last kiss – hovers there, their mouths barely
touching, until Levi swallows hard and kisses him back – and then Eren pulls
back, and Levi’s glare is rather ruined by the way his lips turn up slightly at
the edges.
“Yes, alright, you sentimental idiot. Now get out of here.”
Eren does so with a grin, his heart slamming in his chest as he all but skips
down the hallway.
- - -
Epilogue
They're never going to be easy, probably.
Levi's still a surly bastard, and Eren is still under his charge, and they're
still captain and solider.They're still living in a world that's been torn
apart, and if Eren had been scared of losing Levi before, it's nothing to how
scared he gets now, every time they go out to fight titans, working side-by-
side to keep each other safe and get their fellow soldiers home. He knows
himself well enough to know just how hard he's fallen, and he never wants to
lose Levi. Doesn't know how he'd survive it.
Somehow, though - despite the war, and despite the need to keep what they're
doing a secret - they make it work.
Eren starts spending most of his nights with Levi, sketching and reading and
helping Levi with paperwork until they curl up in bed together; and Levi's
nightmares gradually start to lessen, though Eren doubts they'll ever go away
completely. Levi, surprisingly, eventually stops putting up a fight whenever
Eren pulls him close after one of them - lets Eren curl up around him and hold
him, their hearts beating between them and Levi's fingers threading through his
hair; and those are moments that Eren will treasure forever. Moments that he
will take and tuck away safely inside of him, to help get him through the
darkness, and to remind him of his humanity whenever he needs to be reminded.

They’re never going to be easy, maybe, and the world they're living in is a
terrifying one – but whenever Eren manages to coax that ghost of a smile out of
Levi, an expression that Eren only ever sees directed at him; and whenever Eren
finds a new drawing of himself, complete with Levi scowling and refusing to
talk about it; and whenever Levi forgets himself and looks at Eren like he's
scared of losing him, too, the same way Eren feels about him – well. It might
not be easy, but Eren gradually comes to the realization that he’s loved and
protected, and that Levi’s letting Eren love him in return; and that’s
something that Eren will fight to keep for as long as they’re both alive.
End Notes
     If anyone fancies being tumblr buddies, I'm new to this fandom, and
     would be happy to make some AoT friends. ♥ (http://twisting-vine-
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     so if anyone wishes to be friends but avoid those, the tag to
     blacklist is 'aot manga spoilers').
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