Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4573653.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      Multi, F/F, F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Smosh
  Relationship:
      Ian_Hecox/Anthony_Padilla, Kalel_Cullen/Anthony_Padilla, Ian_Hecox/
      Melanie_Moat, Ian_Hecox/Original_Male_Character(s), Anthony_Padilla/Miel
      Bredouw, Kalel_Cullen/Melanie_Moat
  Character:
      Anthony_Padilla, Ian_Hecox, Kalel_Cullen, Melanie_Moat, Miel_Bredouw
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Smut, Konstantine, really_sad_stuff, Pining, Cheating, Bisexual
      Character, Anthony-centric, Top_Anthony, Bottom_Ian, Anal_Sex, Blow_Jobs,
      Songfic, Ian_and_Anthony_are_underage_for_a_short_period, At_one_point
      Anthony_is_18_and_Ian_is_17, There's_no_creepy_underage_stuff
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-08-14 Words: 14339
****** Konstantine ******
by WalkingonFirex
Summary
     Konstantine: Someone that you will love no matter what happens.
     Or
     Anthony Padilla loves Ian Hecox and will under any circumstances for
     eternity. However, when something terrible happens, he learns that
     simply holding on isn’t always the best option.
     An Ianthony au based off of the nine minute, heart-wrenching ballad
     by Something Corporate.
Notes
     In this story, Ian is a year younger than Anthony and some of it is
     set from when they are in high school, which is why there are
     cultural differences. It’s kinda Anthony-centric, but Ian is involved
     quite a lot. And I know the song’s really long and the story can
     definitely stand alone, but if you listen to the song, I promise the
     experience will be 1,000 times better! And obviously, I did take
     quite a few liberties to make it more Ianthony, but it is based on
     the song. It’s a bit choppy and jumpy, but so is the song and
     Anthony’s mind in the story. I just hope you guys like it! I spent so
     long on it. :D
     Disclaimer: The song “Konstantine” belongs strictly to Something
     Corporate and I gain no monies from the use of it.
For the majority of Anthony’s life, there was a lot that he didn’t know. There
were things he didn’t understand and didn’t claim to grasp. He had a habit of
going through life without questioning things. He knew that there were just
certain things that he wasn’t meant to know. But there was one thing that he
knew deep in his heart and soul, something that he’d never had to cross-
examine.
And that was that he loved Ian Hecox.
*
“One day,” Anthony said one night, only a month or two before graduation. He
was snuggled up in his bed with his boyfriend, his arm around him and bringing
him as close as humanly possible. “I’m gonna start a punk rock band and travel
the world and I want you to come with me.”
Ian chuckled. “You’ll go off and forget all about me. Your band will get all
famous and you’ll get crazy record deals and hot, big-boobed women will throw
themselves at you and you won’t care about me ever again.”
“You really think so?” Anthony asked.
Ian shrugged. “I hope not.”
“I could never forget about you, Ian,” Anthony protested, kissing Ian’s head.
“You’re my Konstantine.”
Ian snorted. “Your Konstantine?” he asked, perplexed. “What the fuck is a
Konstantine? A woman’s name?”
Anthony sighed. “No, Ian. Ugh, you juniors are so un-cultured. Konstantine
means someone you’ll love forever. Someone you can never forget. Your
constant.”
Ian smiled softly. “That’s sweet. Where’d you get it?”
“The internet,” Anthony murmured. As Ian laughed, Anthony quickly changed the
subject. “Okay, enough about my dreams. What are yours, Ian?”
The bowl-haired boy thought for a moment. “Well…I want to write. I want to
write books, like stories. And poems, too. I want to be able to capture raw
human emotion with words.”
Anthony was silent.
“Is that weird?” Ian asked, panicking a little.
Anthony beamed. “Not at all. I think you’ll be an excellent writer. In fact, I
think it shows that juniors aren’t as unlettered as I would have previously
assumed. Well, at least some juniors.”
Ian rolled his eyes. “Shut up, senior.” He stared up at the ceiling as another
thought crossed his mind. “Anthony…you’re graduating in two months and
then…then what? What’s gonna happen to us?”
Anthony swallowed. “We’re gonna get married.”
Ian sighed. “There’s two problems with that, Ant. One, gay marriage isn’t
legal. And two, I’ll still be in high school.”
“Well…,” Anthony trailed off, burying his face in Ian’s neck. “I don’t know
yet, Ian. But you know what?”
“What?”
Anthony grinned against his boyfriend’s skin. “I love you.”
Ian blushed. “L-love you, too.”
The rest of the night was spent fooling around and finally, sleeping. Not
another mention of the future was spoken — though thought of — that night.
*
The night after graduation was the night that Anthony made the biggest mistake
of his entire life. His friend, Ras, was throwing a huge, blowout ‘because-
this-is-it’ party and everyone at the school was invited.
Anthony had guided Ian in gladly, though not holding his hand because they both
knew that being out would cause more problems than they wanted to deal with.
Besides, Ian still had two more years at that hell hole high school and he
wasn’t about to be bullied for his sexuality.
“Yo, Anthony!” Ras called, over by the drinks table, “you made it. And you
brought Hecox! Woo!”
Anthony shook his head. “Ras, you fuckhead, you’re already drunk.”
“N-no,” Ras protested, “I’m really great. I’m having a fan…fab…good day!”
Ian giggled as Anthony guided him away from the drunk teenager. “You thirsty?”
he asked.
His boyfriend shrugged. “Maybe. Not for alcohol, though. A Coke?”
Anthony nodded, leading him over to one of the tables. Luckily for Ian, there
was a can of Coca-Cola in a cooler beside the table. Anthony, on the other
hand, popped the top of a beer and downed it.
Ian gave him a disapproving glance.
“Ian,” Anthony whined, “it’s graduation night! I gotta get a little buzzed,
right?”
The shorter boy shrugged. “I guess…But I don’t want you to get drunk. People do
dumb things when they’re drunk and you know it. And you’re smarter than the ass
wipes
in this town.”
Anthony nodded, tossing the can on the floor. “I know, Ian.” He bent down,
reaching for another beer. He knew that Ian wouldn’t approve of him getting
drunk, but a few beers wouldn’t hurt anything, would it?
He decided that the answer was no and grabbed a couple more, heading toward a
free sofa with Ian in tow.
Over the course of the night, Anthony drank more and more, never able to
decipher when or how many was too much. All the while, Ian tried to be
supportive, but he simply didn’t like the idea of Anthony getting drunk.
Anthony didn’t even realize it when Ian left to go to the bathroom. Instead, in
his drunken haze, he followed a slutty blond girl from his class, whose name he
couldn’t even remember.
“Hey Anthony,” she’d said, bending over slightly and giving him a very clear
view of her cleavage.
“Hey,” he slurred back.
She’d grinned, grabbing his hand. “You’re drunk,” she giggled. “Need a hand?”
“Not drunk,” Anthony replied, squeezing her hand.
“You so are.”
And before he could really register what was happening, they were making out
and he had her pressed between him and the red bricks of the house. Then, his
clothes were gone and he was inside of her, and she was moaning. And then it
was over and he was passed flat out.
*
Screams of utter pain and cries of his name awoke him from his haze and he
looked up to see Ian, eyes wide and mouth agape. Tears began to flood down
Ian’s face and Anthony’s heart broke.
“I-Ian,” he tried to speak, “Ian-”
Ian shook his head, turning away. “It’s over,” he whispered.
“Ian, no-” Anthony protested.
“No!” Ian screamed, “no, no, no!”
Anthony crossed his legs to hide his nakedness, his complete shame. “Ian, I’m
sorry, I don’t know what happened, I-”
“I can’t talk to you right now,” Ian spat, tears still cascading down his
cheeks, his shoulders trembling. “But it’s over. I’m through with you.”
Anthony gripped the patch of clovers underneath him. The realization hit him
like a ton of bricks and soon, he began to sob, too. He covered his face in his
hands as he cried woefully, pathetically, his entire body shaking with grief.
He’d just ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Loud, ugly sounds began to echo from his lips and even as he tried to muffle
them, Ian still heard them and he had to look away.
Anthony didn’t notice Ian turn away, but he did feel the sensation of clothing
being flung at him.
“Get up,” Ian instructed, “get dressed. Meet me in the car. You’re damn lucky I
have my license.”
Anthony sniffed, scrambling to get his clothing on. It was a struggle to even
put his legs in his pants because he was shaking violently, it was dark, and he
was still a little drunk, though the events of the night had sobered him up a
little. Hastily, he threw his head into his shirt and stumbled to where his old
Pontiac sat. He got into the passenger side with his head hung low.
“Give me the keys,” Ian demanded.
Anthony reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his keys, handing
them to Ian, hands still shaking.
Anthony sat beside Ian, tears slipping quickly and hotly down his face. He
couldn’t talk, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t even so much as look at Ian. He
knew that he would sob for days on end. Anthony did not even register it when
Ian turned the ignition on the car and backed out of Ras’s driveway.
“Y-you can’t break up with me,” Anthony sobbed, his shoulders still shaking
violently. He had his face shoved into his palms and he could feel every tear
slipping from his eyes, down his cheeks, and finally into his hands.
Ian sighed. “You should’ve fucking thought about that before you got drunk. You
should have thought about me when you were fucking Lindsay, huh?”
Lindsay Taylor. That was the girl’s name.
Anthony reached out and grabbed the sleeve of Ian’s sweater. “N-no, Ian. I love
you. Please…,” he trailed off.
“I don’t want to be here,” Ian said, quietly.
Anthony looked up at him, tears in his eyes. He didn’t know what Ian meant, but
he
was too shaken to ask him.
“Here. This feeling, this awful, gut wrenching thing. I don’t ever want to
experience it again. Never. I don’t want to be here in the future,” he looked
straight at the road ahead of him, gripping the steering wheel.
Anthony swallowed hard. It absolutely killed him to know that he was the one
that had caused this. He’d never seen Ian so upset before.
Ian chuckled, shaking his head and Anthony could see a few stray tears quickly
race down his love’s cheeks. “The present…it’s just a pleasant interruption to
the past. It’ll be over soon. And I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want
to look any more into what might happen now, because I’m afraid. I’m so scared
that all of this hope that I had, the hope that I put my entire life on
crashed…,” he trailed off, biting his lip. “And it did.”
Anthony took a deep breath and looked away. “Because of me.”
The rest of the ride was silent and Anthony was surprised to see Ian pull into
his own driveway.
“I’m still really angry with you,” Ian explained, “but I can’t very well just
take you home like this, can I? Get out of the car.”
Anthony opened the car door with trembling hands and followed Ian inside the
house. He watched as Ian arranged a few throw pillows onto the sofa and place a
multi-colored afghan onto the cushions.
“Here,” Ian said, “you can sleep in the living room. I need…I need time to
think.”
Anthony nodded, feeling more tears pricking to his eyes. “I-I understand.”
He settled down on the couch and watched Ian walk up the stairs.
He managed to hold off his sobs until Ian disappeared.
*
After that night, Anthony knew he and Ian would never be the same. But what he
didn’t anticipate was the fact that Ian never wanted to see him again. Anthony
had left the following morning for his house, hoping to give Ian some space.
But when he called Ian or texted him, he was ignored. When he called his house,
Stephen and Cheryl assured him that Ian was either not at home or busy. His
emails were never opened and his IMs were completely disregarded. Finally, he
tried visiting Ian’s house, to which his older sister, Melissa, flatly told
Anthony that Ian just didn’t want to see him anymore.
After this, he realized quickly that there was simply nothing left for him in
Carmichael, California. Ian would go on, graduate high school, and become a
famous author. There was no reason for him to want Anthony anymore and Anthony
simply had to accept that.
Two months before classes at Del Campo High School started back, Anthony had
packed up his clothes and his guitar into the back of his Pontiac with only
about five hundred dollars from his summer job at Target and had headed to Los
Angeles, searching for a band.
He rented a room from a guy named Josh and his boyfriend, David, who just
happened to be in a band that was indeed looking for a guitarist. It was
honestly too good to be true.
And it was, for the fact that simply being in a band did not make money.
Fortunately for Anthony, the keyboardist of the band, Mari knew where Anthony
could get a job. He began to work at a small café as a chef on the early
morning shift so that he could still play gigs at night. He was incredibly
tired for the vast majority of the time, but that meant that he didn’t have
much time to think about Ian.
Besides, there was a really cute waitress that worked with him.
“My birth name’s Kristen,” she’d said to him on his first day, “but don’t you
dare call me that. My real name is Kalel.” She tossed her dark green hair off
of her shoulders and gave him a smile.
“Kalel?” he asked, “like Superman?”
She’d nodded. “Clark Kent has saved the world a zillion times. What the fuck
has Kristen Smith done?”
He’d smiled, shrugging. “I’m Anthony.”
Before they could talk anymore, there was a rush of people and the two of them
had to get to work. He didn’t talk to her again until his next shift.
He’d been cleaning the stovetop when Kalel had come in and plopped down on the
counter beside him, crossing her ankles.
“So what’s your story, Anthony?’ she asked, taking a sip of soda from the
restaurant’s complementary styrofoam cups.
He shrugged. “What do you mean my story?”
Kalel looked at him and quirked an eyebrow. “I mean your story. Where you came
from. Who you are. Everyone comes to LA for a reason. What was yours?”
Anthony had gone back to scrubbing some grime and thought for a moment. “My
name’s Anthony Padilla. My parents are divorced. My mom has another son and my
dad has a daughter. I’m from Carmichael, which is in Sacramento County. I
graduated high school last year and then came out here because I want to be in
a band. That’s pretty much it.”
She clicked her tongue and had hopped off the counter. “That’s really it, huh?”
He nodded. This was neither the time nor place to bring up Ian. Besides, doing
so would hurt.
“What about you?” he asked. “Why are you here?”
Kalel sighed. “I wanted to do fashion. I’m taking classes and I’ve done a
little modeling but it’s hard. Nobody tells you that. They just say ‘oh, look
at that face! Oh, darling, you’ve got a face that a camera just begs for.’
Turns out, everyone’s like that in LA.”
Anthony swallowed, nodding. “Yeah…,” then he trailed off, going back to the
stove.
The following night, he and his band had a small gig at a club as an opening
act for a popular local band. It had gone better than most of them before. The
crowd was pretty engaged, the sound system hadn’t glitched, and no one had
thrown beer bottles at them. In fact, their cover of Blink-182’s “I Miss You”
had even gotten a standing ovation.
After their set, they’d gone backstage, sweaty, tired, and ears ringing to find
a few of their friends waiting for them. Kalel was there, due to the fact that
she was good friends with Mari.
Anthony was glad. He felt lonely a good amount of the time. David had Joshua
and they’d been together for a long time, Mari had her longtime boyfriend,
Matt, who also served as the lead singer of the band, and the bassist and
drummer, Wes and Flitz, also happened to be in a relationship. When they’d all
be together and Anthony was alone, he missed Ian more than he ever thought
possible.
“Didn’t know you’d be here,” he said, sliding up to her.
She giggled. “Yeah, well, Mari’s one of my only friends and I kinda like pop
punk.”
“Really?” Anthony asked, furrowing his brow.
Kalel nodded. “That, and Josh paid me to design shirts for you guys.” She
reached into her bag and pulled out a black T-shirt and laid it out for him to
see. “By the way, Mari tells me that you’re the one that came up with Smosh.
What the fuck is a Smosh?”
He laughed. “When I was in high school, I had this friend named Ryan and he
accidentally said Smosh pit instead of mosh pit. We’re punk rock and I figured,
hey, Smosh is as good as anything, huh?”
Kalel shrugged. “I guess so. I mean, I’ve heard worse. Like, have you ever
heard of We Butter the Bread With Butter?”
Anthony laughed, nodding. “I have and that is pretty weird.”
Suddenly, Mari yelled,“Yo, Kalel!” breaking them away from their conversation.
Matt and Mari made their way over to them, sharing knowing smiles.
“Is something going on here?” Mari asked, poking Kalel in the ribs.
Anthony blushed and looked away; Kalel only giggled.
“I don’t know,” she said, locking eyes with Anthony, “is there?”
Anthony had bitten his lip and nodded. “I think there might be. And that
something is that I’m thirsty as fuck. Let’s go get drinks!”
As the months passed, Smosh became more popular and was able to release their
first EP, which had better sales than they’d expected. Somehow, Anthony and
Kalel also became a couple. This was very odd for Anthony. Sure, he liked Kalel
a lot. He liked her hair and eyes and body. He liked her snakiness and her
laugh. He liked to kiss her and fuck her and feel her writhing underneath him.
But she wasn’t Ian. And try as he might to not compare the two, he still did.
Ian would forever be a factor in his mind and he knew that, but he really
wished that he wasn’t so prominent. He wished that he could talk to Kalel and
wonder where the pretty words were. He wished that he could laugh with Kalel
and not miss little hiccups. He wished that he could kiss her and not hope for
the scratchiness of facial hair. Ian was there but he wasn’t and it was slowly
killing Anthony.
Soon, Smosh was able to go on tour and began to travel all across the country,
meaning that he had to quit his job at the café with Kalel. However, that was
honestly okay because not seeing her all of the time made him miss her and
think of Ian less. Now, he was so tired from the constant travel and shows that
he could barely miss anything.
That is, until it was somehow November. November fifteenth was he and Ian’s
anniversary. Well, it would have been their anniversary if Anthony hadn’t have
fucked up on graduation night.
After a show and long after the rest of the band had gone to sleep, he laid in
his bunk on the tour bus, brooding sadly about his Ian. He lamented, thinking
that he should be happy. All he’d ever wanted was to play guitar, cross the
country, and become a rock star. And here he was, in New York City traveling to
Philadelphia, playing the guitar in a punk rock band. But then again, there had
been hope in him that Ian would be able to come too. They could have even
shared a bunk. He’d have let Ian keep the overhead light on when he was trying
to sleep just so that Ian could write. He wanted Ian to be sitting on the front
row of every show that he played. He wanted Ian to just be there.
Alas, Ian was so young. Too young. Perhaps if Ian had graduated, too, if he
hadn’t had one more year of high school, Anthony could have somehow convinced
him to come to LA with him and he could have fixed things. Actually, Anthony
didn’t think he cared about Ian finishing school. He just wanted him back and
he wanted him with him.
Thinking of how he’d hurt Ian so much still broke his heart. It made him
absolutely miserable. He was so sorry, but he couldn’t express it to Ian and
that hurt worse. Knowing that even though he regretted every moment of his
mistake, but could do nothing to fix it and make it better absolutely destroyed
him inside.
And maybe Ian did want to fix things. Maybe he was just waiting it out and
needed time. Maybe when he found out that Anthony was gone, he’d regretted ever
shutting him out. But it was too late now.
Anthony could only hope that Ian didn’t think that this decision had been easy.
In fact, it had been the hardest one he’d ever made.
He went to sleep and dreamed relentlessly of Ian and his last night in his
living room.
*
Christmas came sooner than Anthony would have liked and his mother begged him
to come home to see her. He knew that he’d been neglecting his family greatly
and after all, he did miss them. He also knew that Carmichael was only so big
and the possibility of running into Ian was great. He didn’t know what he would
do if that happened.
He spent all of Christmas Eve with his dad, stepmom, and little sister, and all
of Christmas day with his mom, He was pleasantly surprised to find that he’d
actually missed his family and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them. That
had been one thing he hadn’t expected when he’d moved to LA. He anticipated
missing Ian, but not his family and found himself sad to be leaving.
His final day in his hometown was spent merely reflecting. He’d gone to his old
room to find it completely untouched from the day that he’d left it, but had
also found a few essentials he wanted to bring back to Los Angeles. A few
guitar picks, pictures of his family, and a few more comforters and blankets.
He also found the photos of he and Ian from a photo booth at a mall in
Sacramento in the bottom of a shoe box in a closet, just like he’d left it.
He’d previously had to keep it hidden in fear that his mother would find it,
for the very last picture featured him blatantly pressing a kiss to Ian’s lips.
He must surely have been a masochist because he decided to take it with him. If
Kalel found it, she’d certainly ask questions. Anthony shrugged that off and
merely decided to deal with that situation if and when it ever came.
In the late afternoon, just as the sun was going down, Anthony decided to take
a walk to the park where he and Ian had often met at night a year before. It
was conveniently located right between their houses and was home to a lot of
equipment, plenty of coverage from anyone. California was a progressive state,
but even still, they hadn’t been the least bit ready to come out. The park at
night had been perfect and private.
As he walked up the sidewalk, he put the hood of his black cotton jacket on his
head and jammed his hands into his pockets. It was a bit chilly and he didn’t
want to be bothered. Luckily for him, the park was free of any people and he
was able to just be alone. He ambled over to a swing, sat down, and pushed his
feet off from the ground underneath him. Lost in thought, he began to swing up
and down.
After a few minutes of this, he saw a couple walking towards him, but it was
obvious that they weren’t paying him any attention. He dragged his black Chuck
Taylor clad feet in the dirt and slowed the swing to a stop. The couple settled
down on a slide close together. The girl, a blond, giggled and pushed at the
boy, whose face Anthony had yet to see clearly. The girl was beautiful, he
remarked, as she leaned in to kiss the boy. As they pulled away from one
another, Anthony stood up to leave. That was when he saw the boy’s face.
It was Ian; Anthony would have known those blue eyes anywhere.
He debated on whether he should approach Ian or not, but the decision was made
for him when Ian stood up, taking the girl by the hand and began to walk toward
him. Blue eyes were locked on brown and he wore a tight smile.
Anthony’s heart began to hammer in his ribcage and he wanted more than anything
to break off into a sprint back to his mother’s house and never look back. But
he was completely frozen to the spot as his estranged lover walked toward him
with a girl who was quite clearly his girlfriend. That hurt him a lot, but not
as much as knowing that he’d brought someone else to their spot did.
You have a girlfriend, too, you know, he thought to himself. And besides that,
you’re broken up.
He still wanted to run away.
“Anthony?” Ian said, squinting, “is that you?”
Swallowing, Anthony nodded and willed his legs to move toward Ian. “Y-yeah,
it’s me. Hey, Ian.”
Ian let go of the girl’s hand and stepped forward. “H-how are you?”
Anthony shrugged. “I’m pretty good, I guess. How are you? How’s senior year?”
“It’s…it’s okay, I guess.” He then turned to the girl and gave her a smile.
“Hey, Anthony, this is Melanie. Melanie Moat. She just moved here this year.
And Melanie, this is Anthony Padilla.”
Melanie gave him a big, genuine smile and reached over to shake his hand.
Leisurely, he accepted it politely.
“It’s great to meet you!” she exclaimed, “Ian talks about you a lot.”
Ian blushed and looked away.
Anthony hid a smile. “It’s good to meet you, too. I haven’t talked to anyone
from around here since I moved down to LA.”
“Do you miss it here?” she asked, before snorting. “Of course you don’t! LA is
so exciting and big and loud. This is a dinky little Sacramento suburb. I’m
from Jersey, so believe me, I know the thrill of a big city.”
Anthony shrugged. “Well, the truth is, I do miss it sometimes. Not really the
town. Certainly not Del Campo. But I do miss some of the places,’ he gestured
around, “like the park. And without a doubt, I miss a few of the people.” As he
said this, he eyed Ian. Blushing, Ian looked away.
Anthony had forgotten how shy and bashful Ian was and it made him smile
harrowingly.
“Yeah,” Ian muttered, glancing back at Melanie.
It was painfully silent for a moment and Anthony could only jam his hands in
his pockets and pray for conversation to hit. It didn’t. Not for a while, at
least.
Finally, Melanie leaned over and kissed Ian’s cheek. “I’ve gotta get to work.
But I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Ian nodded, hugging her to him. “Of course.”
She grinned, shaking Anthony’s hand again. “It was really great meeting you,
Anthony!”
“You, too,” Anthony said, grinning. Despite the fact that she was clearly
dating his Ian, he couldn’t entirely hate her. She was sweet and bubbly and
under other circumstances, he assumed that they could be friends.
She gave Ian one last smile before turning around and walking in the opposite
direction.
Anthony cleared his throat. “She seems really nice,” he remarked, rubbing the
toe of his sneaker on the soil beneath them.
Ian nodded slowly. “Yeah. She’s great. Really great.”
Swallowing, Anthony decided to address the elephant in the room. “So…You’re
dating her?”
The shorter boy hesitated before finally sighing. “Y-yeah. I am.”
It was quiet for a few more moments until Anthony broke it with meaningless
fillers. “O-oh.”
Ian bit his lip and looked away. “I guess…Do you want to come over and talk? My
parents won’t be home until tomorrow afternoon.”
Anthony raised an eyebrow. “W-well…what about Melissa?”
“She moved out a couple of months ago,” Ian replied.
Anthony shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. In the few months that
he’d been gone, so much had happened. It was incredibly strange.
Against his better judgement, he replied with, “y-yeah, I guess I could.”
He followed Ian from the park to his house, despite the fact that he knew the
way quite well and had walked it many times. They did not speak and the only
sounds were crickets and owls and their sneakers rubbing against the concrete.
In a way, it was almost comforting. Anthony knew that eventually, they would be
catching up. This meant talking about the band and Kalel and Melanie and maybe
even what had happened at Ras’s. He didn’t want to tell Ian about Kalel and the
things they did and he didn’t want to hear what Ian did with Melanie either.
More than anything, he didn’t want to talk about the party and what had
happened there.
Soon enough, they were back in Ian’s living room and Anthony was settling on
the sofa, just as he had done only months before. Except this time, he wasn’t
completely broken and drunk out of his mind.
“I’ll be right back,” Ian said, wandering into the kitchen.
Anthony considered propping his feet up on the couch and stretching out, like
he’d done in high school, but he and Ian weren’t together anymore. He was just
a guest now.
Ian’s parents had never known of their relationship, but they did know that he
and Anthony were close best friends. They’d adored him and allowed him to come
over all of the time. Back then, he certainly would have put his feet all over
the furniture.
But not now.
Before Anthony could dwell over it more, Ian was back with a bottle and two
glasses. He sat them down on the coffee table and grinned. “Vodka. I had one of
Melanie’s older brothers get it for me. If I share it with you, I won’t drink
it all by myself.”
Anthony raised an eyebrow. “You drink now?”
Ian shrugged, pouring the drink into the glasses. “Sure. I figured why the hell
not.”
Anthony wanted to point out that the Ian he knew would never drink, but then he
remembered that he’d destroyed that Ian and he wasn’t about to bring that up.
The younger boy handed him a glass and then settled down in a recliner. He took
a long sip before saying, “I heard you’re in a fairly successful band.”
“I guess,” Anthony replied, “we’ve got an EP and we just went on a tour around
the U.S.”
Ian raised an eyebrow. “Well, that’s great! You always did want to be in a
band. A successful one.”
“Y-yeah,” Anthony agreed, taking a long swallow of his drink. He grimaced as
the sharp alcohol made its way down his throat. “I have. But what about you?
What have you been doing?”
Ian shrugged. “Just senior year, I guess. We’ve got a new counselor and he’s
obsessed with getting every single person in the senior class into college.”
Anthony chuckled. “Do you know where you want to go?”
“Not really,” Ian replied, “to be honest, I’ll probably just go to community
college. My ACT is too low for most places to accept me and the ones who will
are gonna cost me an arm and a leg that neither me nor my parents have.” He
looked down at the floor before taking another long drink.
It broke Anthony’s heart to see Ian like this and he wanted more than anything
to reach over and hug him. However, he knew that the couldn’t do; he’d ruined
that privilege.
“But you can bring your ACT up,” Anthony protested, “you just have to find your
problem areas and study them. Besides, how is it low? Your English and reading
skills have always been so high.”
Ian nodded. “Yeah, but my math and science aren’t. It doesn’t matter apparently
if I can make a thirty-two on English if I can only make a sixteen on math.”
It was quiet for a few moments, as Anthony could not think of anything to say
and Ian was silent, too.
“That sucks,” Anthony said, finally.
“Yeah,” Ian agreed, but then he turned his attention back to Anthony. “Have
you…have you met anyone interesting in LA?”
Anthony shrugged. “N-not really. I mean, I’m in a band with five other people:
Wes, this guy with amazing hair, Flitz, his boyfriend that can dance like you
would not believe, Mari, a Japanese-American girl that I think you would
absolutely love, her boyfriend, Matt, who goes by Sohinki and is literally the
greatest at video games, and David.” Then he laughed.
Ian smiled, confused. “What is it?”
Anthony shook his head. “It’s nothing. He just…He has a tattoo of a unicorn
with a laser on his back and because of it, his boyfriend, Josh, who I rent a
room from, calls him Lasercorn.”
Ian laughed, too. “That’s crazy. It sounds like you’re having fun, though.”
“Y-yeah,” Anthony agreed. “I guess I am.”
And he was. For the most part. He did genuinely like the other members of his
band and Joshua. In fact, he liked them a lot. Other than the huge part of him
that missed the hell out of Ian, he was happy. And this was odd, because he’d
spent the majority of the last few months of his life convinced that he was
utterly and perpetually numb without Ian. He’d missed him with every bit of his
soul, but he’d also been able to enjoy pursuing music, too.
Even still, no matter where he was, no matter whom he was with or what he was
doing, Ian was eternally in the back of his mind and in the core of his heart.
Ian downed his glass. “Are you…Are you seeing anybody?” he asked quietly.
Anthony’s heart almost stopped and he bit his lip. This was among the many
things he hadn’t wanted to discuss with Ian tonight, but he couldn’t very well
lie or not answer him. Thus, he mirrored Ian and downed his glass, too. It
burnt as it went down and Ian immediately set to work on refilling the glasses.
If Ian kept this up, they’d both be drunk in no time. However, Anthony found
that drinking the vodka really did help him deal with what was currently
happening. And maybe that was why Ian was drinking now, too. Anthony knew that
he’d hurt Ian very much and it was possible that he drank to numb the pain.
That notion gave Anthony chest pains.
Finally, he nodded. “I am.”
“O-oh.” With this, Ian grew silent, gingerly sipping at his drink.
Anthony looked away, his eyes darting around the room. As if the conversation
wasn’t awkward enough already. Maybe it was due to him being nervous, maybe it
was due to the alcohol, but he decided quickly to keep talking. “H-her name is
Kalel and I worked with her at a café when I first moved to LA. She’s friends
with Mari, the girl from my band. She’s pretty chill. She moved out to do
fashion and modeling and I know she’ll do it eventually because she’s
gorgeous.”
At this, Anthony could see Ian’s obvious grief. His eyes fell to the floor and
he blinked quickly, reaching for his glass again. He drank it all and winced as
he swallowed it. It clearly burned his throat. He then stood up, wobbly, and
said, “I’ll be right back.”
Anthony watched as Ian hobbled up the stairs and disappeared. He shook his head
and took another long drink himself. He hated that he’d clearly saddened Ian
again, but in a way, he almost wanted to with the way that Ian had rubbed
Melanie in his face. At the very least, he wanted to make him jealous. He sat
in silence, alone with his thoughts, drinking and reflecting. In no time, the
room around him became hazy.
He was awakened from his blurred reverie by loud footsteps on the stairs. He
turned around to see that Ian was making his way back down from the second
floor of the house. He was also clad only in a pair of tight black boxers.
It had been a while since he’d seen Ian; almost six months. But he’d never be
able to forget how Ian’s body looked. He still had the same pale, creamy skin
and hairy legs. There was still that small mole on his shoulder and the scar
from when he’d burned his leg on a three-wheeler at age twelve.
Like a sleepwalker, Anthony stood up from the couch and realized that his legs
unsteady and his vision was fuzzy.
I’m drunk, Anthony thought dimly to himself.
He staggered over to where Ian stood and swallowed hard, drinking in the sight
of his ex-boyfriend, drinking in how beautiful he still was. He bit lip,
finding that he was having to fight back tears. With a shaking hand, he reached
into Ian’s hair and ran his fingers through it, almost sobbing at the sensation
and how very familiar and also alien it was to him. It was still the same bowl
hair, but it had been so long since he’d touched him.
Before he could stop himself, Anthony took Ian’s face in his hands and smashed
his lips down against his own, promptly licking into his mouth. He could taste
the bitter flavor of alcohol on Ian’s tongue, but he couldn’t have cared less.
Underneath that acridity was the sweet tang of Ian and he was determined to
find it. Immediately, Ian kissed him back with an amazing force, closing his
arms around the back of his neck. Whimpering softly, Anthony brought his hands
down to rest on Ian’s backside and picked him up. Ian wrapped his arms around
Anthony’s waist and Anthony carried him over to the sofa, laying him down.
He pressed his lips onto Ian’s neck, kissing and licking and biting, leaving
his mark all over his lover’s Adam’s apple and all the way down to his
collarbone. “M-missed you s-so fucking much,” he whispered against Ian’s neck.
Ian moaned and entwined his fingers into Anthony’s hair, pulling him back down
for another hot kiss. Ian’s lips were soft, but surrounded by a dusting of
facial hair. That part was new. When Anthony had left, Ian had still been
unable to grow a beard. That wasn’t the case now, he lamented.
Anthony’s fingers snuck downward, hooking into the elastic of the small, tight
boxers and he slid them off easily. He pressed his palm onto Ian’s already hard
member and gave it a small squeeze. As Ian moaned, he could feel the heat
growing as he groped him.
Soon, Anthony’s clothes were strewn haphazardly on the floor and Anthony was
trailing kisses down Ian’s fronts and his hands were caressing his sides and
back. “I st-still love you so much,” he whispered softly.
“L-love you, too,” he barely heard.
It had been a little while since the two of them had had sex and even in his
alcohol-induced fog, Anthony assumed that Ian had not had anal sex in a while,
so he wet fingers in his mouth before pushing one inside of the younger boy.
Ian gritted his teeth, but did not cry out, which Anthony took as a sign to add
more. A second finger made Ian squirm, but he was still seemingly okay and this
prompted Anthony to begin scissoring his index and middle finger. The smaller
boy bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. Anthony stopped for a moment,
letting Ian relax, before he put in a third and final finger. He moved his
fingers around, twisting and crooking, trying to rouse Ian’s prostate. It
seemed to be working after a while, because Ian began to whimper, jerking up to
meet Anthony’s fingers.
“Pl-please, Anthony,” Ian gasped.
Anthony pulled his fingers out of Ian. “What, Ian?”
Ian took a deep breath. “F-fuck me.”
With that, Anthony threw Ian’s legs over his shoulders and gently pushed it. He
then waited. He knew that three fingers were a lot different from a cock.
“G-go ahead,” Ian urged. “I’m okay.”
Anthony then pushed forward, his hands resting on Ian’s shoulders and his
fingers squeezing into the flesh there. He started out with a slow pace, simply
rocking back and forth as he allowed Ian to become accustomed to the rhythm.
“F-faster,” Ian demanded, digging his fingernails into Anthony’s back.
He obliged by pulling almost all of the way out and then slamming back in.
Ian’s cried out loudly, wrapping his arms completely around Anthony and holding
onto him tightly. As Anthony rammed in a second time, he pressed his forehead
against Ian’s and kissed his lips and face and chin hungrily. He was so close
to Ian that he could feel the younger boy’s eyelashes fluttering on his own
cheek and his heart beating so closely to his.
This is love, Anthony thought to himself, this is truly what it feels like to
love someone.
He’d known for a long time that he wasn’t in love with Kalel. He cared for her
deeply and he did feel a sort of love for her, but it wasn’t this. This all
encompassing feeling that Ian gave him. He’d never, ever feel that for someone
else.
Anthony felt the familiar tightening in his belly as he fucked deeper and
faster yet and he could also sense that his eyelids were growing heavy and
itchy. Before he knew it, he was crying. Tears began to pour down his face and
he was sobbing as he came hard, calling out Ian’s as loud as he could and
shooting his cum deep inside of his lover. He probably awoke Ian’s neighbors
but he didn’t care at all.
He forced himself to calm down and he scrubbed mercilessly at his face and
eyes, realizing that Ian had yet to come. Anthony gingerly pulled out of Ian
and gave him an apologetic look. “I-I’m sorry,” he said, looking down. He was
embarrassed and forlorn and he just simply wished Ian wasn’t seeing him like
this.
“I-it’s okay,” Ian replied, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Ignoring Ian’s words, Anthony pushed the shorter boy down onto the couch again.
He could see that his cock was obviously fully erect and leaking and
desperately needed to be touched. Without giving it a second thought, he
wrapped his lips around Ian’s member.
Anthony had always despised giving blow jobs. It wasn’t that Ian grossed him
out, because it was quite the opposite. No, it was more that they shamed him.
Anthony had a very prominent gag reflex and thus was not the best candidate for
it. He could barely take an inch of Ian into his mouth without gagging and
coughing. This was especially mortifying due to the fact that Ian was probably
the world’s best at giving head. He could (and had) make Anthony see stars with
just a simple swipe of his tongue. However, he very much felt that he owed Ian
one, especially after all that had happened in the few months — and the last
few hours.
He started off with simply sucking the tip into his mouth and swirled his
tongue around the slit. Ian drew in a breath quickly and involuntarily thrusted
his hips up, forcing Anthony to take in more. He wrapped his hands around the
base and let his one of his pinkies shyly move down to the other’s balls and
stroke them gingerly. As he began to suck harder, he moved his hands and jerked
him. The faster he sucked, the louder Ian became and the closer Ian’s cock came
to hitting Anthony’s throat.
Soon, Anthony could tell Ian was close by the way he whimpered and moaned and
how his fingernails were scraping carelessly into Anthony’s scalp, and his
hands twisting and running through his hair.
“God!” Ian exclaimed, thrusting up hard and quick, his cock slamming ruthlessly
into Anthony’s throat.
The older boy gagged loudly, but he did not stop, instead, he kept going, tears
forming in his eyes and his lungs burning.
“Anthony, I’m gonna-” Ian’s words were cut off by loud panting and shrill
shrieks.
Unlike ever before, Anthony swallowed every drop of Ian’s cum. He forced
himself to ignore the bitter taste and focus solely on the fact that he and Ian
both needed to clean up.
“We’re drunk,” was the first thing Ian said to him after his breathing and
heart rate stabilized.
And they were. Anthony could not fault that. He’d felt it in his brain and his
blood; he’d tasted it on Ian’s tongue. However, by the way Ian sounded, he
wanted to blame what they’d just done completely on the alcohol and that simply
wasn’t the case. He’d wanted Ian from the moment he’d seen him at the park and
Ian knew exactly what he was doing when he’d came downstairs completely void of
anything but his underwear.
Anthony nodded, reaching for a throw blanket to cover himself. Now that the
deed was done, he was a bit cold. Ian, however, stayed wholly nude and was even
sweating. “Yeah,” he agreed.
“It…It didn’t mean anything,” Ian whispered, almost more to himself than to
Anthony. “Melanie is…I’m still with her. I still love her.”
Anthony felt a pang in his chest straightaway. He didn’t have the right to be
hurt by Ian’s words, but he was. Very much so.
“And y-you have a girlfriend,” Ian reminded him.
Right.
Fucking hell, Anthony thought to himself, I’ve cheated again.
He’d sworn for the majority of his life that he’d never cheat on anyone.
Cheating had always seemed to him like an insane waste of time. Why ruin a
relationship by breaking trust? He’d always believed that if people were
unhappy, they should simply talk about it. However, here he was, cheating
again. The first time, had honestly and truly been a drunken mistake because
he’d never consciously cheat on Ian. He’d been drunk this time, too, but he’d
known what he was doing. It crossed his mind that this was a different
situation simply because it was Ian.
 But that wasn’t fair to Kalel at all. She’d done nothing but love and care for
him in the past few months. She didn’t deserve this. Melanie didn’t deserve
this.
“I-I know,” Anthony replied finally. “And I’m gonna tell her. She…she deserves
to know.”
Ian furrowed his brow at Anthony. “Well, I’m not going to tell Melanie.”
This astounded Anthony. He remembered how Ian had reacted when he’d cheated on
him and it had been ugly. It had broken both of them and changed both of their
lives forever. Ian wouldn’t hear an apology and did his best to shut Anthony
out for good, Yet, here he was, doing the exact same thing to Melanie and
behaving as if it were trivial.
It wasn’t trivial. Not at all.
“You have to!” Anthony exclaimed, “you can’t just let this go! You..,” he
trailed off, unsure of what it was exactly that he was saying. It was also
unclear of what it was that he was angry at Ian for. But he was. Incredibly
angry.
Ian just shook his head, crossing his legs and looking away. He reached into
the floor and slid his boxers on. “This conversation is over. You’re welcome to
sleep on the sofa if you want, but I’m going up to bed.” He turned to leave,
but Anthony grabbed his arm harshly.
“Wait!” he exclaimed, digging his fingernails into the flesh on Ian’s arm.
Ian looked down at him stoically. “What?”
At this, Anthony exploded. “What do you mean what? You gave me so much hell
after that night at Ras’s and I get it, I do, because I would take it back in a
heartbeat if I could. I would do anything to get you back, but I understand why
you don’t want to be with me. I cheated on you, I broke our trust. But you know
what? You just did the same goddamn thing and Melanie deserves to know. Don’t
do that to her. Don’t let her go on believing that you’re the perfect boyfriend
when you’re clearly not. I hate that I have to, but I’m going to tell Kalel
about what happened because that’s what you do in relationships. You tell the
truth!” He took a deep breath and found that he was close to tears, yet again.
Ian stared at him, a furious expression painted on his face. “That is
completely different!” he spat, “I was there, Anthony. I had to ask a horde of
drunk morons where you were because you left me. I had to fight through a bunch
of crazy, horny people that all wanted to hook up. One guy literally grabbed me
and shoved me down on a sofa. I had to kick him in the balls to get away. I was
terrified and alone and I spent a good amount of the time just praying you were
okay and weren’t driving or getting raped. And then, what do I find? You’re
lying naked in the grass with a fucking dumb blond on top of you. I couldn’t
help it, I screamed. It scared her so bad that she ran away and it was so clear
what you two had been doing. I felt so stupid and used and lonely.” He stopped
for a moment, choking back a sob.
“I loved you so much, Anthony. You were my everything. And in the span of an
hour, all of that was totally ripped from me. I had to get away from you for
good because I never wanted to feel that way again. Now, I’m doing better. I’m
nowhere near good, but I’m improving. Melanie has really helped me so much.
She’s…she’s teaching me how to be independent. And if I tell her about tonight,
she’ll never forgive me. I can’t go through another breakup, Anthony. I just
can’t.”
If Anthony wasn’t selfish, he might have been able to accept that. He would
have nodded and bowed out right then and there, gone back to his mom’s house
and then headed back to Los Angeles.
But he was selfish.
“Ian, please,” Anthony begged him, “I…You don’t even have to tell Melanie. I
just really want you to give me another shot. Please. I still love you so much.
I’m so sorry about what’s happened. You have no idea how sorry. And I promise
I’ll never hurt you again, I-”
The shorter boy interrupted by shaking his head. “No. Anthony, we can’t get
back together. It’ll never, ever work out. And more importantly, I just…I don’t
love you anymore.”
Tears began to creep out of Anthony’s eyes and an icy film began to cover his
heart. He should have never came back, he should have just stayed in LA with
Kalel and his band and forgotten all about Ian. If he thought he was depressed
before, he had no idea what he was now.
“But…,” Anthony trailed off, sniffling and wiping at his tears. “You said you
loved me, too. Just a few minutes ago. And…and you can’t tell me you didn’t
feel it, too.”
Ian shook his head. “I loved you once. But not now.”
“That’s not what you said!” Anthony screamed, fighting back tears. “That’s not
what you said when I was f-fucking you! Fucking you balls deep into the couch!”
Shooting Anthony a disgusted look, Ian turned away and said, “it’s over. We’re
over. We have been for a while.”
With that, Ian left Anthony sobbing on the sofa yet again.
This time, Anthony didn’t wait for Ian to disappear upstairs to start sobbing.
*
By the time Ian awoke the next morning, Anthony was gone, long gone to Los
Angeles. He’d planned on leaving the morning after, but what had transpired had
made him eagerly change his mind. It was simply too painful to be anywhere near
Ian now. He felt guilty and heartbroken and it was all his own fault. Cheating
had absolutely destroyed him.
On the afternoon in which he arrived back at his apartment, Kalel came right
over, excited to see him. She embraced him, kissed him, and told him how much
she’d missed him. The remorse he felt quickly began to eat him alive.
The first thing that he did was pull the photo booth pictures of he and Ian out
of his bag and show them to her. She was confused at first, mainly due to the
fact that the pictures were nearly a year old, Anthony did not look the same,
and Ian was a complete stranger to her.
“What is this?” she’d asked, furrowing her brow.
Anthony swallowed hard. “That’s me. A year ago. With my ex-boyfriend.”
At this, Kalel sat down in a chair across from Anthony. “Your ex-boyfriend?”
she asked, putting emphasis on ex.
Anthony nodded. “Yes. His name is Ian and he and I dated for a few years. I was
a sophomore when we started and he was a freshman. We broke up in May.”
Kalel raised an eyebrow. “Really? So…Why is he relevant now? Why are you
choosing this moment to tell me?” Then she blinked. “Are you gay?”
“No,” Anthony replied, shaking his head, “I’m definitely not. Maybe I’m bi or
pan or maybe I just don’t know what to call myself. But the fact is, Kalel, I
met back up with him when I went back to Carmichael. I didn’t seek him out and
I haven’t had any contact with him since I moved out here, I swear. However, we
went to his house and talked and got drunk…,” he trailed off, sighing. “And I
slept with him.”
In the time that he had known her, Kalel had been a vocal person and oftentimes
did not think before she spoke. She never failed to make her opinion heard loud
and clear and did not care what others thought of it. This was why Anthony
expected her totally go off on him. Instead, she shot him a wild, unreadable
glare, picked up her cardigan and bag, and slammed the front door behind her.
He felt awful for hurting her, but he also couldn’t exactly say that he was
unhappy about the breakup. He’d never be able to give to her what she truly
needed and that wasn’t fair. Better for it to have happened now rather than
later.
He fully expected an angry call from Mari at any time, but to his surprise, she
hadn’t heard about it when he turned up for the first Smosh practice of the
year.
“Have you heard from Kalel?” he’d asked her, “is she doing okay?”
Mari had frowned. “Yeah…She’s fine. Why would you of all people not know?”
He’d swallowed, running a hand through his hair.
Then she knew. “O-oh. Right. Well, as far as I know she’s doing really well.
What…What happened? If you don’t mind me asking?”
He shook his head. “I fucked up.”
With that, he picked up his guitar and began strumming the chords for their
newest song.
He poured himself wholeheartedly into his music and began working on a solo
project. He wanted more than anything to write a song by himself and to be able
to perform it himself. Anthony had never thought too much about singing, but
this was something that he really wanted.
He worked on it every single night and he went through quite a bit of paper.
Nothing seemed right. The words that he wrote on paper didn’t begin to explain
the thoughts and feelings that ran through his head. The guilt, the shame, the
misery, the utter loneliness. It was through this that Anthony discovered that
he was a very unhappy man.
Months went by and Anthony finally realized that the loss of Kalel and Ian both
had torn this hole in him. He needed someone. Someone to come home to, to kiss
and hug, to talk and vent to. He didn’t want to hurt anyone else because it was
clear that he was toxic and hurt anyone that he involved with.
On the plus side, Smosh finally scored their first major record deal and scored
an international tour with three of the most upcoming punk rock bands in the
country, one of which he’d listened to on sleepless nights with Ian. He always
managed to excuse himself when they played specific songs onstage.
Through this record deal, Smosh was given a new manager. Miel was a tough, no
nonsense, beautiful woman who didn’t take any of the shit that the band often
tried to throw at her. She knew their potential and wanted to fulfill it to
their best abilities, which made her come off harsh oftentimes. She also did
not know of Anthony’s past struggles (actually, no one in the band did) and
frequently grew angry with him when he sulked in the corner or spaced out.
After a show in London, she had scolded Smosh for smoking weed before the show
in the lobby of their hotel.
“You all know way better,” she’d snapped, snatching the bag away from Sohinki,
who had been the one to buy it.
Mari glared at her, upset with how she’d spoken to her boyfriend. “It was just
to take the edge off,” she’d protested. “It wasn’t like we got pass-out high.
Jesus Christ, we know better than that.”
Miel glared right back. “Fine. Smoke this shit. Bake it into brownies. Swallow
it whole for all I care. But don’t dare coming fucking running to me when your
asses get dropped from the label!”
Anthony just shook his head, heading toward the elevator. His mind was already
clouded with marijuana and he had a nice, big bottle of Jack Daniel’s in his
bag in his hotel room. He just had to get to it. That was one perk of being the
seventh wheel on the road. Wes and Flitz, Mari and Sohinki, and Lasercorn and
Joven, who served as their march guy, all shared rooms with full-sized beds
when they weren’t on the bus. Considering that they were overseas, they’d been
in hotels a lot lately, which meant that Anthony had been more alone than ever.
“Where do you think you’re going, Padilla?!” Miel barked, turning her attention
toward him.
He froze where he was standing. “To my room,” he said quietly. “I-I’m tired.”
She was quiet for a moment, as was everyone else. Finally, she scowled. “Fine,
Anthony. Go right a-fucking-head. It’s not like the rest of us aren’t tired at
all.”
Anthony could have cared less of what she had to say and so he stepped onto the
elevator. The last thing he heard was the simultaneous gasps from the group.
Once it dinged and he was on his floor, he stomped to his room. He was sick of
Miel and her bossiness and how she believed she knew better than anyone else
despite her not even being in the band. He slid his key card into the scanner
and pushed the door open. Anthony kicked off his shoes and slid out of his
jacket, making a beeline for the bottle in his bag. Drinking had fucked him
over more than once in the past, but it honestly helped him. It cleared his
head of the things that made him ache and relaxed his muscles and his thoughts.
However, it never did fill the gaping, torn rift in his heart.
Anthony grabbed the bottle and settled down on his bed, leaning back against
the pillow. He took a good, long swallow and shut his eyes. He relished the
burn it left in its wake, from his lips to tongue, from throat to stomach. As
he tipped the bottle back again, he heard a loud pounding on the door to his
room. He rolled his eyes, ignoring the noise and kept drinking still.
The banging continued and Anthony just sighed. It was probably Joshua wanting
to bum some of his alcohol. Anthony always had it and Josh was cheap.
“Anthony Padilla!” he heard from the other side, “open this Goddamn door right
this instant!”
It was Miel and as much as Anthony did not want to speak to her, he knew that
unlike the members of his band, she would not go away eventually.
He fumbled out of his bed, already feeling the alcohol working its way into his
body. He was a little shaky and he felt very warm as he yanked on the doorknob.
Miel was standing in a denim jacket with her arms folded across her chest. A
very annoyed expression was playing on her face as she stood primly. “Anthony,”
she spat, “what the hell is wrong with you? I know you heard me knocking.”
Anthony snorted, opening the door wider to let her in. “Y-yeah, I did. I let
you in, didn’t I?”
Miel rolled her eyes, stepping into the hotel room. “I didn’t ask for the
snark.”
“I didn’t ask to be interrupted at two am, either,” Anthony snapped back.
She nodded, settling down on the bed and crossing her legs.
Anthony furrowed his brows in confusion. “What do you want? Why are you here?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Miel asked, “your behavior lately has been less excusable.”
Anthony snorted. “Really now? And just who are you to say that?”
Miel tilted her head upwards, giving him a hard look. “Your band’s manager?
Your band’s publicist? I take care of all of the matters that you do not. Like
it or not, I’m a key member of the team and you haven’t been the best you can
be lately. You and I both know that.”
Anthony shook his head and began to pace. “Because you know the best I can be?
In the five months that you’ve known me, you already know what my good and bad
are? Wow, Miel, that is impressive!”
Ignoring her now, Anthony picked up his bottle of Jack Daniel’s and settled
down in the room’s desk chair. He rubbed his eyes before taking another long
swig.
Miel simply watched him, much to his annoyance. He tried his best to disregard
her intense stare, but he quickly found that he could not.
“What?!” he exclaimed, slamming the bottle down on the desk.
She blinked. “Who hurt you, Anthony?”
His heart sank completely and he grew silent.
When he did not reply, Miel repeated herself. “Who hurt you? What made you the
way you are? Why was it so bad that you can’t trust anyone at all?”
Anthony bit his lip and turned away from his manager. “Get. Out,” he hissed
through gritted teeth.
Miel sighed and stood up and Anthony was very relieved because he wasn’t so
sure that he could hold his tears off for much longer. Fuck her for noticing
and fuck her for bringing up Ian without even realizing it. Fuck her for making
him think about Ian. Just fuck her.
He expected her to open the door, spit a sarcastic comment at him, and then
remind him of the departure time tomorrow. But she did none of this.
Instead, she walked across the room over to him, wrapped her arms around him,
and pressed her cheek against hers. He wasn’t facing her, thankfully, because
he couldn’t look at her, not now, at least.
“I don’t know know what happened,” she whispered in his ear, “but I do know
that there’s no reason to dwell on it now.” Anthony flinched as she ghosted a
kiss onto his cheek.
A tear slipped down his face and she used a perfectly manicured finger to wipe
it away. “And I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you. I just…I know that you could
be something so big one day. Don’t tell the rest of them, but I’ve always seen
so much more in you. You’re real and so is your talent. It’s raw and biting and
you can just feel it when you play the guitar. You get so lost in it and when
Matt sings those sad songs, especially in “Hostile Rift”. God, I swear I’ve
seen you cry during that song.”
He had. Multiple times.
Anthony sniffed as Miel went on. “There’s something about you, Anthony, and
I’ve wanted it since the moment we met. So please…,” she trailed off, moving
her hands down to the chair and swiveling it around so that he faced her. She
straddled his lap and took his face in both of her hands. She was waiting for
him to make the first official move and for this, he was grateful and he also
was not. He knew that she didn’t want him to feel forced, but he also did not
want an option. Because he was insanely attracted to her, he wanted her, but
she wasn’t Ian and he couldn’t have given less of a fuck about her emotionally.
Therefore, he didn’t want to start a relationship that she clearly and
desperately wanted and he did not, especially considering that he’d been
drinking.
Throwing caution to the wind, Anthony surged forward and claimed her mouth with
his own, wrapping his arms around her back and standing up. She wrapped her
legs around his waist and smiled as he threw her onto the bed.
The sex was quick and rough. Anthony was not in the mood to play with anyone,
he just wanted to get off and get done. Thankfully, Miel seemed to understand
that and after she’d came twice, the second time tearfully, she’d only wanted
to go to sleep peacefully. Anthony wanted to sleep, too, but he found himself
unable to. Here he was, yet again, in bed with a person who was not Ian,
despite the fact that Ian was the only person that he truly wanted.
What the fuck is wrong with me, Anthony asked himself. Am I so emotionally
inhibited that I can’t move on from someone? Am I so pathetic that I can’t
accept love from good, honest, and loyal girls that want nothing more than to
help me? Am I just the world’s biggest fuck-up.
The problem wasn’t that he didn’t want to forget about Ian because, in truth,
he did. He wanted to be able to move on and develop a successful music career,
eventually get married, and have kids. He wanted that white picket fence and a
cat and a dog. He wanted what most people wanted. But he couldn’t because his
body, mind, and soul were all so entirely and irrevocably tied to him.
He wondered if this was what it was like to have a soulmate, but quickly
decided against it because there was simply no way that ones soulmate could
burn them this much and leave them so helpless.
Looking down, Anthony noticed that Miel was smiling in her sleep and he
couldn’t help but smile, too. He settled down against her and closed his eyes,
sleep finally consuming him.
*
“I’m pregnant,” Miel told Anthony on the last day of the tour.
He expected her to be heartbroken or excited or crying or jumping for joy or
something. But she was none of it. Her expression was painfully stoic and
unreadable.
His first thought was to ask if the baby was his, but he decided against it
because that would have been exceptionally rude and uncalled for. Besides, it
was probably his. He and Miel, while they hadn’t exactly been dating, had been
carrying on a secret tryst. Anthony was fairly sure that no one in the band
knew, except maybe Wes, who had seen Anthony sneaking out of Miel’s hotel room
early one morning. He’d never said anything about it and never gave him a
questioning or knowing look. Anthony as grateful for this.
 
His second thought was wow I’m gonna be a dad.
Anthony had wanted kids for as long as he could remember. He’d wanted to watch
Disney movies with his children, he wanted to teach them how to swim, and to
watch them grow. It was inevitable, after all. That’s the way life worked: you
got a career, you fell in love, got married, had kids, and grew old together.
Anthony had usually tried to push back the niggling thing in his mind that
reminded that his parents had gotten divorced and that the one he wanted to
spend the rest of his life was not exactly a child bearer. We’ll get around
that, he’d thought to himself so many times, a surrogate, adoption, something.
But Ian was not the one standing in front of him; Miel was. His brain began to
scope out what life with her would like: a short, impromptu wedding, a lot less
touring, a baby, maybe more, PTA and a house in Beverly Hills (if he was
lucky), vacations in Hawaii and New York City and Aspen, sports and ballet,
graduations and parties, retiring, and finally, dying.
Death, as Anthony had always known, was inevitable. Even so, it scared him. He
remembered the night that his grandfather died. It was in a cold hospital room
and his family had just sat around saying goodbye, watching the beeps on one of
the machines getting slower and slower. His grandmother had crawled into the
bed with him and held him in her arms, whispering how much she loved him as he
passed. She did not shed a tear until long after she’d been alone. Anthony had
never seen such strength since. This prompted him to always pray that he’d have
someone there with him when he died. Someone to hold him tightly and let him
know that everything would be okay. It looked as though that person would be
Miel.
Anthony allowed his mind to wander to what that looked like and he felt a very
consuming ache fill his chest. Spending his last moments with Miel was
definitely not how he wanted to go out. He wanted that person to be Ian, more
than anything. The thought of dying in another’s arms certainly devastated him.
But what could he do now? Miel was pregnant and there was no way that he was
going to let her parent alone.
“It’s not yours,” was the second thing Miel said to Anthony on the last day of
the tour. Her expression turned sheepish.
Anthony raised an eyebrow in shock. “I-it isn’t?”
Miel shook her head. “No. I know a few months ago we slept together without
protection, but I’m only a few weeks pregnant. Every other time, we’ve used a
condom and it’s been a month, anyway. I met up with my ex-boyfriend, Caleb a
few weeks ago and we’ve been hooking up. The baby’s definitely his.”
Anthony rubbed his eyes. “So this…Caleb. You started meeting up with again
right around the time we stopped having sex?”
She nodded. “That’s right. I’m sorry, Anthony, but I’ve already told him and
I’m moving to Santa Monica with him. I’m not gonna work for the record label
anymore. Or Smosh. What we had, it was fun. But it’s over now. Try not to be
sad.”
Anthony could have snorted. In reality, he wasn’t sad. In fact, he was
relieved. Though it was dreadful for him to feel that way, he was happy that
the baby was not his. He simply was not ready to be a father, much less now
that Smosh was becoming more popular. More importantly, Anthony did not love
Miel. He firmly believed that one was not supposed to have children with
someone that they did not love; that much too often ended in divorce or stayed
in unhappiness. He’d sworn he would never do that to his children and
thankfully, he’d completely dodged a bullet with this one.
“Good luck,” Anthony finally said, giving her a quick hug and kiss on the
cheek. “I hope you’ll be happy.”
“You, too,” she said, giving him one last smile. “Don’t be a stranger.”
After that, Anthony immersed himself totally in his music. He’d learned quickly
that he wasn’t invincible and he’d cut it way too close with his last
relationship. He’d put way too much on the line and mixing business with
pleasure was a stupid, stupid idea that he’d never should have never
entertained to begin with. Simply put, there was no room for romantic
relationships in his life anymore.
Smosh began to work on their first real album and Anthony desperately wanted
his song to make the cut. He began to pull constant all-nighters and he barely
slept. But he knew this was what it was going to take to get over everything
he’d done in the past. If he was going to become famous, if he was going to
finish his song, he was going to have to get past his mistakes and deal with
what he’d done to Anthony and Kalel and even Miel.
He liked to watch the hours on the clock tick by and every night at 11:11, he
made a wish and that wish was for Ian to be okay. He found himself constantly
worrying about Ian, his wellbeing, his grades, and his future. He knew that
he’d really hurt Ian and everything that he’d done to him in the past had
really determined his future.
It would take his entire life to make up for stealing Ian’s innocence.
*
He received a call in the last week of May from an all-too familiar number and
he’d answered on the first ring.
“Ian!” he’d exclaimed, unable to hide the excitement and relief in his voice.
“Hey, Anthony,” a small voice on the other end of the line said.
Anthony beamed, so thrilled to hear the other boy’s voice. “H-how are you?”
“Fine,” Ian replied, “I…I just graduated.”
Gasping, Anthony said, “I’m so happy for you! I told you that it would work out
for you!”
“Y-yeah,” Ian replied. “I graduated with all A’s and B’s, actually. I got a
math and science tutor and it really, really helped.”
“That is so great,” Anthony gushed. “I told you that you were smarter than you
gave yourself credit for.”
Ian paused for a moment, sighing audibly on the other end. “Right. I just…I
just wanted to call and thank you. For everything. I was…I was honestly
planning on dropping out before you came back. I was going to just work at the
gas station or Target, but you made me see that I could do better. And…and I
saw how well your band was doing and it made me want to do something important,
too. I’m going to get a degree in English and I’m going to teach. But I’m also
going to minor in creative writing so that maybe one day I’ll be actually be
able to write books. If it weren’t for you, I would have never decided that.
So…thanks.”
Anthony was completely speechless. For almost a year, he’d firmly believed that
he had destroyed Ian’s life. And maybe for a little while, he had. However, he
could see now that he’d also brought a lot of good into his life, as well.
“Y-you’re welcome,” Anthony finally said. “I’m so proud of you, Ian. And I’m
really glad that I was able to help you somehow, after…,” he trailed off,
“everything. Do you know where you’re going to go?”
“Yes,” Ian replied, “well, sort of. I’ve gotten accepted to a few and I have to
make my final decision soon.”
Anthony decided not to pry anymore about it, for if Ian were to go far away,
he’d rather find out later. He didn’t want to lose this amazing feeling just
yet. “How’s Melanie?” he asked after a long pause.
“She’s…she’s good,” Ian replied, “she’s still my best friend. But we broke up.”
Anthony was surprised by this, as well. Melanie had really seemed to be
important to Ian and he’d also seemed to like her a lot. “R-really?”
“Yeah,” Ian replied, “I love Melanie a lot,” then he chuckled. “But we’re both
gay.”
In retrospect, Anthony should have known this.
Ian went on. “Melanie and her family took a vacation to LA a couple months ago
and she met up with this girl and they just clicked. She’s going to go to the
same community college as her and they’re gonna move in together. Her parents
are totally cool with it.”
“That’s great,” Anthony replied. “She seemed really nice and I’m happy for her.
Tell her if she ever needs anything to not hesitate to tell me.”
“I will,” Ian replied. “And thanks.”
Anthony smiled wanly. “You’re welcome. So I guess you’re single again?”
Ian was silent for a moment. At long last, he finally replied with only, “no.”
“Oh,” Anthony replied.
“Yeah,” Ian said, “my tutor…Casey, we just hit it off pretty well.”
It was Anthony’s turn to pause as he sat back on his bed, leaning his head
against the headboard.
“Anthony?”
“I’m here,” he replied, “and I’m so happy for you, Ian. I’m glad that things
are finally working out.”
“Me, too,” Ian said, relief clear in his voice. “Thank you so much, Anthony.
You’ve honestly helped me more than I could have ever imagined.”
Anthony’s small smile returned. “You’re welcome. You still mean the world to
me, Ian.”
“You, too,” Ian said, quickly. “See you later?”
“You better,” Anthony replied, “bye, Ian.”
“Bye, Anthony.”
When Anthony ended the call, a small tear slipped down his cheek and an ache
filled his chest. However, he picked up a pen and his notebook because he knew
exactly what his song was going to be now.
*
“You guys ready?” Matt asked, grabbing his microphone.
Mari shoved him playfully. “Duh, Sohinki. It’s not like it’s our biggest show,
like ever.”
He chuckled, kissing her cheek.
Everyone else was setting up for their concert tonight in the most popular punk
rock venues in downtown LA. The show was completely sold out and they’d be
performing songs from their EP and their new album, which had sold almost a
million copies.
Unfortunately, Anthony’s song had not made the cut. In a way, however, he
preferred it that way. This song was very personal to him and while he’d
allowed the band to learn it so they could record it, it was still very much
his own. Besides, it had been written solely for Ian and it wasn’t something he
could just share with everyone.
He took a deep breath as the band walked onstage to the many cheers of the
crowd. He took his place and put his guitar strap over his shoulder.
“What’s up, Los Angeles?!” Sohinki yelled into the microphone.
The audience screamed loudly in response.
“We’re Smosh and we’re from right here in LA and we’re ready to rock with you
tonight!”
Mari began playing the first few notes of their first song and Anthony followed
soon after, his fingers performing the correct chord. As Sohinki began to sing,
the spotlight started to move all over and finally into the crowd. Anthony
looked out and almost dropped his guitar. Because right there on the front row,
sitting beside Melanie was Ian.
Even more surprisingly, Kalel was sitting beside Melanie, her fingers laced
through the other girl’s. What a small world it was, he thought smiling. But
hey, at least they were happy.
Ian was looking straight at him, smiling brightly. His heart was pounding
furiously in his chest, beating so hard that he was almost afraid that his ribs
would break. He broke out into a sweat and his fingers began to shake
eminently. He hadn’t felt like this since the night after his graduation, but
now, it was for a different reason. He played their setlist on adrenaline
alone.
However, by the end of the set, he knew for certain what he had to do.
“Guys,” he whispered to them as they geared up for the last song, “guys!”
Wes turned toward him. “What is it?”
He took a deep breath. “Look, I know we haven’t rehearsed it, but is it
possible for us to play ‘Konstantine?’”
Lasercorn shook his head furiously. “No! Dude, we haven’t practiced it at all.
We barely know it.”
Anthony felt like he might cry. “No, you don’t understand. The person I wrote
it for is literally right there! I need to play it. I just have to.”
Mari frowned. “Kalel? Kalel’s your Konstantine?”
Anthony shook his head restlessly. “No, no! The guy two seats down from her on
the end. The bowl-haired kid.”
“I think we should let him play it,” Flitz said. “Anthony obviously has a
reason and we can’t take that away from him. So, let’s do it.”
Sohinki nodded. “All right, Anthony. The mic’s all yours.” He and Anthony
switched instruments and Anthony took his place at the front.
“If you get lost, just repeat the bridge,” Anthony said, “I may have to free-
verse a little.”
He eyed Ian and he bit his lip, a deep sense of nervousness spreading all over
him. He didn’t know why Ian was here, but now that he was, he was determined
for Ian to know how he felt. And if he was correct, this song would be just the
thing to do it.
“This is our last song of the night,” Anthony lamented, a loud ‘aww’ ripping
through the crowd, “but luckily for you guys, it’s really long.”
The audience cheered and he smiled.
“You may not know this one, but it’s my favorite song we’ve recorded. It’s
called ‘Konstantine.’”
As the opening notes began, Anthony looked out to find Ian’s face. When he did,
he saw the surprise and a blush creeping up on his cheeks.
As much as his chest hurt and his eyes burned, Anthony began to sing. He told a
story of true love and betrayal, about how he’d loved someone with all of his
heart and fucked up a thousand times, cheated, and tried to become a rock star.
How he’d had hope and lost it, how he’d never stop loving that one person and
he’d never forget what they’d had. He asked that person a dozen times if they
knew he missed them and then he finally said, he missed him. He expressed how
much he wanted to go with them and kiss them and again, how they’d always be
his Konstantine.
The song ended up being nine minutes long and by the time the final chorus, the
audience’s arms were swaying and lighters were being held high above their
heads. Many of them were crying and singing along, as the chorus was fairly
simple.
“My Konstantine,” Anthony finished, a lone tear sliding down his cheek. When he
looked down, he saw that the crowd was at their feet, cheering and applauding
ferociously, as was his Ian, who stood clapping and sobbing. Melanie had her
arm on his shoulder and she was smiling, too.
Almost as if she knew.
The band bowed and thanked everyone for their attendance before adjourning
backstage.
“Well, I guess I was wrong,” was the first thing Lasercorn said to Anthony. He
clapped him on the shoulder and laughed. “That was the best finale we’ve
personally ever done!”
Flitz agreed. “That song is just beautiful. I think we should record at least
one version. The people here really loved it and I bet the rest of our fans
would, too.”
Anthony nodded. ‘Thanks, guys. But if Ian didn’t like it, it’s not worth
anything.”
“Well, I think he did,” he heard Mari say.
When he turned around, he saw Mari in tow with Kalel, Melanie, and Ian.
Instantly, Ian ran to him and threw his arms around him.
Anthony’s heart began to pound again, but this time, he welcomed it. He buried
his face into Ian’s hair and bit his lip hard to keep from crying. “I-Ian,” he
choked out, “what are you doing here?”
“Kalel and Melanie,” he answered quickly, squeezing Anthony tighter. “They
figured out who we were and they convinced me to come up for the weekend to see
your show. I-I’m glad I did now.”
Anthony sighed, pulling away and looking deep into the blue eyes. “Me, too,
Ian. Me, too.”
“And I lied to you,” Ian said sheepishly.
Anthony frowned. “You lied to me? What do you mean?”
“I do still love you,” Ian admitted, “I always have and I always will.”
Anthony’s heart soared and he grabbed Ian’s hand, squeezing it again. “B-but
what about Casey?”
“He’s going to NYU,” he replied, “but more importantly, he’s not you.” With
that, he stood up on his tiptoes and pressed his lips against Anthony’s gently.
Anthony kissed back for a few moments before he pulled away again. “You have no
idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.
“A year,” Ian said, chuckling. “But I didn’t tell you the best part.”
Anthony furrowed his brow. “What could be better?”
Ian grinned. “I’m going to UCLA.”
And this was great, too, because this meant that Ian would be living in LA,
too. And more importantly, he loved Anthony back still, which meant that things
could finally be good in his life.
“Do you have any room?” Ian asked, “I know the apartments here are small.”
Anthony chuckled, gathering Ian in his arms yet again. “I don’t have much room
to live, myself,” he admitted, “but there’s always room for you in my life.”
*
Anthony brought Ian back down to his apartment and they spent the rest of the
evening catching up and making love. This was their apartment now and it made
Anthony’s heart swell so much he thought it might burst.
He looked down at the boy beside him and saw that he was very close to dozing
off.
Before he could do this, he leaned down, taking Ian in his arms yet again and
kissing him. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” Ian replied, grinning.
Anthony pressed their foreheads together and shut his eyes. “And I always will.
You’re my Konstantine.”
Ian blushed, wrapping his arms tightly around Anthony. “And you’re mine.”
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