Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11453775.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      Other
  Fandom:
      Fire_Emblem:_If_|_Fire_Emblem:_Fates
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-07-09 Words: 1625
****** Kiragi snitches on Shiro ******
by Pawnz
Summary
     Shiro is best friends with Kiragi, not anymore when Kiragi finds out
     that Shiro likes lolis.
It was a normal day in NarsheenisaCunt Middle School. Kids were showing off
their Snapchat Dms to other kids, Ponz came to around recess time to hit on the
girls, and oh dear lord the horny kids! Kiragi was different from the other
kids, not because he was in Special Ed, it was because he didn’t understand why
these kids are acting so unsophisticated. Shiro, Kiragi’s best friend helped
him understand the dangers of Middle School, “Okay Kira, whatever you do, DO
NOT FOLLOW ANY OF THAT BE YOURSELF CRAP!” Shiro snarled into Kiragi’s ears.
“Okay but don’t we have to go to Chinese class?” Kiragi pointed out. They were
18 minutes late. “Oh shit...” Shiro muttered under his breath. “Hey no naughty
words!” Kiragi shouted as he was catching up to Shiro.
“Ms Mikoto! Why do we have to learn Chinese? Why can’t we learn something more
productive like Spanish or German?” Siegbert yelled without raising his hand.
Mikoto sighed. “It’s because the school board wanted the kids to learn Spanish
now sit down you ADHD sellout. Now where was I? Oh yes, Forrest can you say
“Would you like fries with that” in Chinese?” “Hey Ms. Mikoto? Can I just skip
Chinese class, I’m 20 minutes late” Shiro barged in the class with nothing but
a wife beater top and a can of Bud Light beer he found in the dumpster while
going to Chinese class. Mikoto was screaming at Shiro in Chinese. “Look lady
speak English this is America’s land.” Shiro said with a straight face. “Go to
the principal’s office immediately for disturbing the entire class and bringing
alcohol on school grounds.” Mikoto grapped her staff and shooed Shiro away like
he was some sort of rabies infested dog.
Kiragi was having panic attacks on the floor from Mikoto yelling at his best
friend in a language he couldn’t understand. “Come here buddy, I want to tell
you something in our little cool kids hideout.” Shiro whispered in Kiragi’s
soft delicate ears. “But… aren’t you suppose to go to the principal’s office
and you didn’t call the teacher a slut! You aren’t gonna be popular or
remembered!” Kiragi screamed in a ear piercing voice. “No one has to know.”
Shiro smirked like how Disney villains smirk.
The two were walking down the hallway while Shiro was calming down Kiragi like
the best friend he was. “Isn’t this the janitor’s office?” Kiragi noticed. He
maybe mentally deficient but at least he has more brain cells than Shiro. “Yeah
let’s make this quick before Jakob gets here anyway, I have a confession… I
like lolis.” “Oh same lolipops are so delicious especially cherry flavored
ones!” Kiragi smiled with joy like the happy Autist he is “No not lolipops, I
mean lolis, as in… little girls.” Shiro explained to Kiragi what lolis are and
he was petrified. His best friend was in to little girls. “Yeah I saw Elise’s
Hello Kitty panties and it made my 4 millimeter go crazy like I couldn’t stop
that thing.” Shiro bragged. “I… think I’m going to be sick.” Kiragi stormed out
of the janitors office with puke in his mouth when he noticed a little mouse
running down the halls. “Aren’t you that chipmunk that hits on Nino and
Delthea? And, are you a girl.” “Yes and yes but more importantly, why is there
puke on your mouth? Did you finally find out that Forrest is a dude?” The mouse
squeaked. “Girls can’t love girls!” Kiragi screamed down the hallway crying
inaudibly and with puke in his mouth. “Didn’t even answer my question, what an
asshole.” The chinchilla dashed down the hall after Kiragi, wanting that damned
answer.
“Leave me alone you lesbian.” the little archer boy was sobbing tears of
“Please leave me alone”. “Relax buddy I’m not that gross, is it that Shiro kid?
My spidey senses are tingling.” Kiragi stopped crying and was now more
interested than ever about this girl. “How did you know and what is your name
soicanturnyouintothecops?” Kiragi stuttered. “Oh Shiro has been trying to take
Sakura and Midori away from me for the past week now and I have been plotting
revenge. That is why I put Bud Light cans in the dumpsters around and as for
the name, it’s Ponz. Kiragi was appalled, he was actually talking with a
homosexual without being scared shitless. “Oh I have to go back to
ChromisaBitch High, after school meet me by the high school, I know where Ryoma
lives and we can tell him that his son likes little girls.” Ponz exclaimed.
“Okay but I have to tell my caregiver Ms. Reina that I’m going outside by
myself! Please be patient with me, I have Autism!” Kiragi shouted with
excitement, he was going to arrest his former best friend. Ponz walked outside
thinking to herself “No wonder Takumi doesn’t talk about him.”
Kiragi bounced up and down waiting for Ponz to be done with school. “I hope I
don’t harassed by that Roy kid again.” Ike passed by Kiragi and kneed his
Spiderman backpack. “Fork you Mike and Ikes!” Kiragi shouted at the diet bara.
“Oh great you are here, okay I asked Roy for a ride to Ryoma’s house so it
should be fine… I hope. Also can you carry me like I don’t want to waste my
energy on walking?” Kiragi held Ponz, supporting both hands and arms to the red
head’s car. “Oh look it’s carpet munching dyke rat!” “Shut the fuck up your dad
is a washed up lawyer and police officer and you are just a basic white boy
trying to get laid now we have a loli liker to catch.” Ponz screamed at the
lord. “Wait how come Shiro can’t hit on lolis but you can? Kiragi whispered to
Ponz. “It’s because lesbians are hot according to Roy and his Krispy Kreme
Klub. I’m actually in it but we just tease and make fun of each other. I don’t
actually hate Roy.” Ponz monologued. “Okay Ponz please steal some insta ramen
containers because Eliwood will not give me anything to eat after the you know
what incident. I didn’t bail you out for nothing ya know.” Ponz gave her
signature thumbs up.
Kiragi was overwhelmed. He got to meet high schoolers for the first time and he
was going to arrest his ex best friend like his idol Cop Arthur. He just needed
sometime to comprehend this. “You know the stench of Monosodium Glutamine is
overwhelming like how much Chinese takeout did this man have.” Ponz yelled out
in the kitchen. By the way they broke into Ryoma’s house. Kiragi went to
Shiro’s room which he knows far too well. His Xbox lined with Fifa games,
Turtle Beach headset and a punching bag. “S...shiro? I want to talk with you
and your dad.” Kiragi said in an anxious and almost nervous tone. “Shut up
Kiragi, I’m playing CS:Go, unless do you want to trade gun skins with me?”
Shiro screeched. “No it’s about you liking lolis, I’m telling Ryoma about your
little habit.” Kiragi is snitching on his best friend. “Dude what the fuck I
was going to have my girlfriend Elise here and I was gonna show her my boxers
with the DICK HOLES!” Shiro shouted at the crying Asian Autist.
Ryoma was cutting teriyaki chicken with his twelve foot long samurai sword that
fucks with their electricity bills. “Your son is kinda into little girls, and I
heard in the other room that he is planning on showing Elise, her girlfriend
his collection of boxers with the dick holes.” Ponz snitched. “Hey! No vermin
in my house, you go or I call exterminator.”
“You are more concerned with a filthy pest than your own son being a potential
pedophile, woah no wonder you are still in Sophomore year even as 37 years
old.” Ponz is roasting Ryoma harder than his burnt beef that still reeks his
crib just as bad as the MSG. “I cut you up with 1000 degree Rajinto I find at
yard sale.” Ryoma was now gonna decapitate Ponz just like how Ponz’s girlfriend
Soleil fucking killed that bitch ass thottie Caeda before she could suck
Conrad’s dick. Good times… “Okay but what type of yard sales do you find 12
feet long ancient Chinese Japanese swords that are electric?” Ponz rebuttled.
“Damn you more concerned where sword came from than I go kill you.” Ryoma put
down his sword because this was not worth his time and we went back to chopping
teriyaki chicken.
Ponz and Kiragi meet up outside by the steps, looking down and sad like some
sort of cliché movie scene. “Shiro’s dad is a douche how could you stand him?”
Ponz spoke up in the midst of silence. “I told you this many times! No naughty
words! Mrs. Reina taught me that one after Shiro taught me you will be popular
if you call your teachers sluts.” Kiragi snarled in a whiny voice. “Wait… HOLY
SHIT I FORGOT THE RAMEN CONTAINERS FOR ROY!” Ponz dashed to Ryoma’s house at
like Deja Vu Initial D mach speed. “Come back Bonz!” Kiragi tried to catch the
scampering mouse but I wasn’t kidding when I say Initial D speed.
“Is… that the police car?” Ponz stopped in her tracks, Kiragi panting behind
her. “Shiro, you are under arrest like how many fucking pedos are in this town”
Eliwood shouted into Shiro’s ear like some sort of drill Sargent. “I… didn’t
call the cops?” Kiragi spoke up, “Neither did I.” Ponz replied. “Okay just
gonna steal some ramen cups and you meet in the Roy’s car. We been trying get
Shiro arrested for the past two hours.”
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