Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13627221.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      방탄소년단_|_Bangtan_Boys_|_BTS
  Relationship:
      Kim_Namjoon_|_RM/Kim_Seokjin_|_Jin
  Character:
      Kim_Seokjin_|_Jin, Kim_Namjoon_|_RM, Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Jung_Hoseok_|_J-
      Hope, Park_Jimin_(BTS)
  Additional Tags:
      Parent/Child_Incest, Abuse, Self-Hatred, Self-Esteem_Issues, Dubious
      Consent, Rape/Non-con_Elements, Child_Abuse, Humiliation, Eating
      Disorders
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-10 Updated: 2018-02-25 Chapters: 2/? Words: 6974
****** Just a Pretty Boy ******
by The_Raincoat_Dreamer
Summary
     Jin has been in too many abusive relationships to count and each one
     had broken him down a little bit more. Jin knew he was never going to
     be anything more than a pretty boy. So what happens when Namjoon
     falls for Jin's mind, body, heart and soul? Can Namjoon convince Jin
     that he loves Jin as more than a play thing?
Notes
     Hey guys this story involves rape, incest, verbal and physical abuse,
     eating disorders and extreme self-hatred. Please take care of
     yourself and do not read this if any part of it might be triggering.
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Kim Seok-jin's father always wanted a son. Not a pretty boy who loved to act
and had delicate features like Jin, but a manly son. Jin remembered his
childhood as a golden, happy time full of his mother's love and his father's
pride. However, something shifted when Jin turned eleven and hit puberty. His
life became a living hell.
He still remembers the first time his father, Doyoon, called him “ttal” or
daughter. Jin was twelve. He had just auditioned for the role in a play and
remembered dancing through his house in wonder and amazement when he got the
role of one a major supporting character. Jin's father called him into the
office that day.
“Your mother tells me you're in a play.” The voice of Jin's father was usually
calm, patient but now it seemed to have turned into ice.
“Yeah, appa I got it.” There was something in Jin's father's voice that served
as a warning but Jin had been taught to fear his father.
“Oh, is this something you're serious about?” Doyoon said.
“Yes, appa, of course.” Jin knitted his eyebrows together. Had he done
something wrong? His father was supposed to be proud and happy for his
accomplishment. He always wanted to make his father proud. Why wasn't his
father proud?
There was sudden heat and pain colliding with Jin's face. The pain knocked him
down. Jin was on the floor, cradling his cheek, in an instant. Jin smiled up at
his father, not able to understand the pain for a moment. His father was always
affectionately rough housing with Jin, maybe this was a celebratory shove or
something that had backfired. Surely his appa hadn't meant to hurt him.
His heart stopped when he looked up at his father's face. His father looked
angry, disgusted and there was something else that Jin couldn't name in his
father's eyes.
“You are disgusting. Men don't act. I asked for a son, not a stupid, worthless
pretty boy. Grow up, I never wanted a stupid… ttal.” Doyoon spit on Jin and
stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Jin was left cradling his cheek, crying on the floor. Jin was too young to know
anything about the stress that had pushed his father to hurt him. Jin was too
young that his father was about to lose his company, too young to know that his
mother and father might divorce soon. Too young to do anything but cry and
blame himself.
Jin didn't stop acting. After his first play he was hooked. He knew it wouldn't
be possible to give up the rush of the stage, the pride of hearing people
cheer, and the amazing bonds with the friends who shared the stage with him.
Jin just never told his parents about it ever again.
His father never stopped making fun of him though. Doyoon would tell people
that he had a daughter and when they looked confused he's say “Jin is just a
pretty boy, so he's my daughter.” Doyoon forced Jin's mother to teach Jin how
to cook, insisting that all women should know how to make good meals. This
backfired though, as Jin adored cooking. He loved trying out the different
spices and flavors. Eating was another thing he loved. His father would beat
him whenever Jin gained weight, saying that pretty boys must stay thin. Jin
couldn't help gaining weight though, he was becoming a man and gaining weight
was only natural.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Things took a turn for the worst when Jin hit fourteen.
He'll never forget that night. He came home late from a rehearsal for a play
that was opening that weekend. He came home to a quiet house and assumed that
meant both of his parents were fast asleep. Jin was starving after skipping
dinner to rehearse. He smiled to himself. This was the perfect opportunity to
try the kimbap recipe he had found in one of his mother's cookbooks. He put
some music on his phone and started happily, but quietly, cutting the carrots.
He got lost in his happy cooking and music world, where his father's abuse
couldn't hurt him. He was deciding what spices he wanted to add to the finished
dish, testing a little bit on his finger and smiling when he found one he
wanted to add. A crash interrupted him. Jin only ever played his music on half
volume so he could be alerted if his father woke up.
Jin heard loud, thundering footsteps come to the kitchen. Jin was screaming at
himself to move, to run, to get into his room and lock the door but he was too
stunned to move. His father was in bed sleeping, so why was someone coming into
his house. Was it a robber? Should he call the police? He was still holding the
salt, and he gripped it tighter with his shaking hands, like it was a lifeline.
He saw his father and his world stopped spinning. His father had clearly been
out drinking. Jin had never seen him like this. His eyes were bloodshot. His
fists were clenched. Every part of Doyoon's demeanor screamed anger and Jin
didn't even have time to consider running away. Doyoon stepped closer towards
Jin. He started kicking and punching Jin, no matter how many times Jin screamed
and how much he begged he wouldn’t stop.
Jin doesn't remember major chunks of that night. He read somewhere that
sometimes trauma forms holes in your memory, making you block out parts. The
brain's way of trying to protect itself.
The next memory Jin has he's in his bed and his father is ripping off his
shirt. Jin's crying, humiliated.
There's a voice, but it's not attached to a visual memory. “Take off your
pants. I'm not going to do it for you.”
Then there's another block of memory and next Jin's pinned to the bed. His
father's massive weight is crushing him, as his father whispers in his ear,
while pulling his hair.
“You should have been more. You should have been more than a pretty boy. If you
had been a boy, I wouldn't have ever thought about doing this. But you're all
dainty features, plump lips, slender waist. My ttal, my beautiful, sexy ttal.”
His father whispers.
The next memory Jin has, his father is gone. Jin is crying. There's so much
blood on his sheets. Jin's alone crying harder than he ever has before. He's
shoving his pillow into his mouth, so he won't wake his father up, so his
father will keep sleeping. Once he gets a grip on himself he gets dressed and,
through vision blurred with tears, cleans up the kitchen.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
That morning he woke up early to make his father breakfast. He knew now, better
than ever, that his father was right. He was just a pretty boy, just a useless
pretty boy. But maybe if he played that role well enough his father would
forgive him, and not hurt him as much.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Jin never told anyone about that night, but his mother must have somehow sensed
something. Jin always suspected the woman was psychic somehow. She watched as
Jin endured so much abuse, but they left a week after that night. His mother
didn't have much money, but she was able to buy them a very small apartment in
Anyang.
He started going to high school and his shoulders got wider. His jaw got
sharper. He was turning into more of a man and somehow that made him feel so
much worse. He didn't know why, and he tried not to think about it.
It was then that he got his first girlfriend. Her name was Jia. He didn't feel
anything for her, but she seemed to have a crush and he was desperate to make
it work. They had been dating for three weeks. Jin's mother was out of the
house working a late shift. Jin had bought her gorgeous pink hibiscus. And made
her a delicious meal of Bibimbap. To top it all off Jin had dressed up in his
best pair of jeans and a white flowing shirt. He knew how handsome he looked
but hoped she enjoyed other things about him too. They were finished eating and
now they were sitting together on the couch.
“Why did the man go to the dentist when he lost his dog?”
Jia just rolled her eyes.
“Because his canine was getting loose.” Jin said, he laughed so loudly. The
sounds of a window wiper filling the room.
“Ugh,” Jia said. “It's a good thing you're so pretty, so I have a reason to put
up with you.”
Jin almost gasped with how much pain those words caused him.
“Oh, did I hurt your feelings? I'm really sorry.” Jia said. “Here, let me make
it up to you.” Jia moved so she was straddling him on the couch.
“No, um, that's okay. My mother's going to be home soon.” Jin lied. He knew his
mother wasn't going to be home until at least nine o'clock.
Jin tried to gently scoot her off of his lap, but she persisted, and he would
never want to hurt her.
“Jin, I feel like that's not the real reason. You've been dodging me since we
started dating. Jin, d-do you not want me, baby? Do you think I-I'm ugly?” Jia
looked like she was about to start crying.
“No-baby, of course not, you're gorgeous. It just-my mom will be home soon.”
Jin said.
“Maybe I can get your mind off it.” Jia started kissing him again.
He tried to push her off him gently, but she wasn't taking the hint. He tried a
few more times. She seemed to not care that he wasn't kissing her back. He
closed his eyes for only a moment, but that was enough to bring up the bad
memories. He gasped. He wasn't with his girlfriend, not anymore. He was with
his father now.
He gasped and pushed her off him with all his strength. She was knocked
backwards, hit the coffee table and landed on the floor with a harsh crash. Jin
flinched, that looked so painful. It was enough to force Jin back to reality.
Jin jumped to his feet immediately and offered her his hand, but she refused
it.
“Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. Did I hurt you? I never meant to
hurt you. I'm so sorry, please forgive m-”
“You don't get to hurt me.” Jia sounded hysterical. She stood up and dusted
herself off. She looked like she was about to, cry-but she also looked furious.
Jin cowered before her. “This is over. This relationship is over. You do not
deserve me. You're not funny. You're not smart or talented and apparently,
you're not even nice. You have one thing going for you Jin, one thing. You're
handsome and that's it. If you don't put out no one will ever want to date
you.” Jia said. She gave him one last furious look before she turned away and
slammed the door.
Jin was still shaking. He never meant to hurt Jia. He never meant to hurt
anyone, ever. He was so sorry. He laid on the couch, shaking and crying. He
wished he could go back in time and undo his mistake. He wished he could have
given her the only thing she dated him for. He really was a worthless pretty
boy.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Jin was seventeen. He attended an all-boys school and for Valentine's Day he
had been given chocolate as well as sixteen roses. Some of those gifts were
from friends, some of them were innocent jokes, and some of the were from
crushes. One of them was from Hajoon.
He understood himself better a year after dating Jia. He knew why he didn't
feel anything for her. He knew why he couldn’t even kiss her without feeling
sick. His father hadn't broken him, he was just not into girls. So, when Hajoon
had given him a rose and asked him out his heart pounded in his heart like a
happy, overexcited drum as he said yes.
He had a panic attack that night, convinced that Hajoon would be like everyone
else, convinced that Hajoon would only want him for his body. Oh, how wrong he
was. Hajoon, with his thick glasses, carefree smile, and plump lips had been so
many firsts for Jin. They had been each other's first boyfriend. Hajoon had
been the first person, besides Jin's mother, to really listen to Jin. The first
person to hold the door open for Jin. The first romantic person to treat Jin
like he was a human being and not a piece of meat. Jin knew he wasn't allowed
to say no to sex while dating anyone, Jia and his father had treated him that,
so he would have given into any of Hajoon's demands. But there weren't any.
Hajoon never pushed him for sex. He could tell Jin was uncomfortable-although
he was never told the reason-so he never pushed.
Jin fell hard and fast. He didn't know anyone would ever listen to him, laugh,
at his jokes, and hold his hand without asking to fuck him in return. The six
months they had been dating had been the happiest of Jin's life up to that
point. They went on dates every weekend and during the weekdays they both went
to school early, so they could talk and eat the breakfast Jin cooked for both.
Hajoon would joke about how Jin would be the perfect housewife, dutifully
making him meals before work. Jin found he didn't mind the jokes if Hajoon was
the one making them. Jin found he didn't mind much of anything if Hajoon was
there.
There were warning signs, times when Hajoon got angry over nothing. Hajoon had
never complimented Jin on anything but his looks. Hajoon often looked at other
guys for a bit too long. No one had ever really taught him what a normal
relationship looked like, so he had nothing to compare his relationship with
Hajoon too. Hajoon had pushed him to wear contacts instead of glasses, even
though the thick lenses often irritated his eyes. Jin was happy to do that,
happy, if it meant he could be even more handsome for the man he loved.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Then, one day, it all ended and Jin was left heartbroken.
“I'm not in love with you anymore Jin.” Hajoon said, over the breakfast Jin
made him. They were at school, in their secret hallway.
Jin felt his heart drop out of his chest. This couldn't be true. His darling
Hajoon couldn't be serious.
“Wha-” Jin said. He blinked several times, he knew that Hajoon hated when he
embarrassed Hajoon by crying.
“You understand. There's this boy.” Hajoon smiled. “He's really cute and he's
smart. You were a great first boyfriend Jin and I'll always have the happiest
memories of us, but we just wouldn't work out. You're going to school for film,
that's perfect for someone as handsome as you. But I'm going to school for
engineering, and so is Mingyu. He's the kind of man who's smart enough to go to
school with me. You were fun, and sweet, but I need to start thinking about the
future. I need to date someone who has something besides a pretty face to offer
me.”
Jin had a few classes with Mingyu. He was very serious, never made a joke,
never even cracked a smile and got the best grades in the school. So that's
what Hajoon wanted in a man. Jin blinked more furiously, still trying to avoid
crying.
“Thanks for the breakfast, Jin.” Hajoon said. He stood up, gave Jin one last
kiss on the cheek and left.
Jin spent a whole two weeks crying his eyes out every single night. The worst
part is that he couldn't tell his mother about the heartbreak because she
didn't know, couldn't know, that her son liked boys. He knew she would love him
anyway, but she wouldn't understand and that would break Jin's heart. Jin
couldn't tell anyone.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two weeks later, Hajoon came knocking on the door.
Jin was in his room on the second story floor. He looked out the window and
grinned ear-to-ear. Hajoon, his first love was here, maybe Hajoon wanted to
apologize. Jin slipped on his sexiest, tightest black jeans and a flowing black
shirt that showcased Jin's strong chest muscles, before running downstairs.
“Hajoon, you came back. You came for me. I missed you.” Jin said.
“I… um, can I talk to you in your room?” Hajoon said.
Jin frowned at Hajoon's serious tone, this isn't what he had expected.
“Um... sure, Jin said.” Closing the door, he almost told Hajoon that his mother
was at work, so they could talk freely anywhere in the house, but one serious
look from Hajoon left Jin too terrified to talk.
“Jin, can you sit on your bed?” Hajoon said. He sounded nervous.
Jin frowned but was quick to comply.
“It's Mingyu, he's not interested in me, no matter what I do. He's not into it.
I know he likes boys, so why won't he even go on one date with me?” Hajoon
asked.
Jin didn't want to hear this, not at all, but he was overwhelmed with sympathy
for Hajoon.
“I'm so sorry,” Jin said.
“I'll get him in time, I'd do anything to date him. It's just stressful, you
know, loving someone who doesn't love you back.” Hajoon said.
Jin bit his lip, he knew exactly what Hajoon was talking about.
“Maybe just be patient, you're an amazing guy. I know he'll fall for you soon.”
Jin said, hoping he was wrong.
Hajoon moved quickly, before Jin knew it Hajoon was kissing him, exploring his
mouth. Hajoon moved Jin backwards onto the bed. Jin moaned, surprised but
happy, he wrapped his arms around Hajoon's waist.
“I love you, Jin. I was so wrong to ever leave you. You're so beautiful,”
Hajoon said, between kisses.
“Do you, I thought you wanted Mingyu. You just said you did?” Jin was so
confused.
“Yeah, but you mean so much more to me.” Hajoon purred.
“I, I love you,” Jin said. He was too happy, too in his own world to notice
that Hajoon had never taken back having a crush on Mingyu or returned the words
of love.
That was the first night he had sex willingly.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The next day, Jin was so happy. Jin thought that he and Hajoon were back
together. Nothing could make him happier. He texted Hajoon all day on Sunday
but didn't get an answer until he got a call later that night.
“I'm sorry, Jin. I made a mistake. I still love Mingyu.” Hajoon said.
“But…” Jin wiped away tears. “You said…”
“I never said I loved you, or that I didn't love Mingyu. It's not my fault if
you were too stupid to know what you were getting into. Look, I'm coming over.
I just wanna make sure you're okay.” Hajoon hung up the phone before Jin could
tell him not to.
Thirty minutes later found Hajoon trying to kiss Jin.
“Please, don't,” Jin begged.
“But you're so important to me,” Hajoon said.
“Please, don't lie to me. I still love you and it hurts Hajoon. It hurts to be
used be you.”
“Jin, it's really stressful to try to date Mingyu. I know that he'll fall for
me pretty soon and then you can stop but I need to be patient and it's hard.
He's a real man, I can't just buy him a rose and listen to his stories and have
him fall madly in love with me like I can with you. You were, are, so easy. I
need something sexual to take my stress out.”
Jin whimpered.
He tried to fight Hajoon. He really had. But Hajoon was so much stronger than
he was, and Hajoon wasn't afraid to hurt Jin. Wasn't afraid to punch and hurt
and it's almost like Hajoon took pleasure it in.
“Slut, not worth loving like Mingyu is. You're just a worthless, stupid slut,
just a stupid, preety fucktoy.” Hajoon whispered as he plunged into Jin, over
and over again, without lube or any kind of preparation.
Jin cried so hard. He would have consented, to anything, anything at all if he
was dating Hajoon. He just couldn't do this when Hajoon was in love with
someone else. He knew he deserved this but it just hurt too much.
“Just a stupid, pretty slut.” Hajoon said, as he pulled Jin's hair and slapped
his face.
Then Hajoon was gone, and Jin couldn't stand how much he hated himself.
Hajoon forced himself onto Jin countless times that summer and Jin kept asking
Hajoon to hang out, because he was in love with Hajoon. Hajoon made Jin do
things that Jin had never dreamed of before. He forced Jin to wear handcuffs,
which caused him to have a panic attack, thinking about how his father had
pinned him down. Hajoon didn't care. Hajoon had even found it funny. He even
shared Jin with a few of his friends one night. Jin thought he would die of
pain and humiliation that night.
One day he even bought Jin a lacy red bralette and a silky red thong.
“I wanna see how my pretty boy looks in this. Wanna see my worthless slut
please his daddy.” Hajoon said.
Jin cried but he put it on. He didn't want to deal with the beating that
refusing would bring.
It hurt Jin to see Hajoon buy Mingyu flowers and write him songs, while fucking
Jin on the side.
After every painful, humiliating sex act, Jin would bring him breakfast. Jin
knew he deserved the pain and humiliation. He wasn't worth dating and he was
just happy to have the little bit of Hajoon he was afforded. He knew he was
just a worthless pretty boy, but maybe if he played the role well enough Hajoon
would be a little bit easier on Jin the next time he needed stress relief.
Finally, Mingyu and Hajoon got together and Jin never saw him again.
Jin never could figure out if he should feel happy and relieved or completely
heartbroken over that.
***** BitHit's Preety Boy *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you so much to everyone who commented, gave Kudos or bookmarked
     the first chapter of this fanfiction. It's amazing to see how many
     people in the comments had pictures of Jin on their profile. Our baby
     doesn't get enough love but we're helping to give him the love he
     deserves. Also, I did a ton of research for this chapter but I'm
     still a baby ARMY (only been in the fandom for three months and I'll
     never go back) so I apologize if I got anything wrong.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Jin was a broken shell for a long time after Hajoon left him to date Mingyu.
Jin never told anyone what happened, what Hajoon did to him, how Hajoon broke
him. There was a one-month chunk where Jin just woke up every day and went to
sleep every night. He didn’t think about it. He didn’t think about anything. He
just went through his life until he could go to college.
Going to college was good for Jin. Getting away from his house that was full of
haunted memories was even better. Jin went to KonKunk University, a university
for acting, next to the gorgeous Han River. The river and the huge buildings
made Jin feel safe. He was so happy there and he shone so bright. He was casted
as the lead in countless plays. He knew he got those roles because he was
handsome, but sometimes he managed to convince himself it was because he was
talented too.
One day, Jin was walking through the streets. He had class in less than an
hour, but he was trying to find an ingredient for a new cucumber kimchee recipe
he wanted to make his dormmates for dinner that night. He was rushing to get to
the store when a man’s voice stopped him.
“Excuse me, sir.” Said a man who was wearing a business suit and carrying a
brief case.
“Yes,” Jin said. Something about how tall the man was made Jin nervous.
“I am a representative of SM. We are giving auditions for a new idol group
we’re putting together, and I think you have the visual we’re looking for.” The
man said. “The audition is at two o’clock tomorrow. You’re very pretty and we
would love to see you there.”
Jin felt a nervous twitch in his stomach. This man, who was obviously a con
artist, thought he was pretty. Something about this man, the handsome CEO,
reminded him of his father. Before Jin knew it images of his father were
flashing before his eyes. He saw his father’s thighs. He wasn’t in the streets
of Seoul anymore, he was on his eight-year old’s bed, underneath a weight that
wouldn’t let him breath.
Jin turned around, and without taking a second glance at the man, he took off
running. He didn’t go to class that day, he didn’t even get the missing
ingredient he needed. He just hid in his room, dry heaving into a trash bin,
until he could finally close his eyes and go to sleep. He told his teacher he
had come down with a horrible cold. She accepted his excuse and told him not to
miss anymore classes.
Jin felt like an idiot after he talked to his friends and found out that
apparently representatives from major companies do just go up to random people
in the streets and ask them to audition. You just have to be handsome enough.
It wasn’t even a month later when Jin was approached in the streets again, by a
representative from BigHit. This time Jin was ready. His friends were with him,
which helped him feel safe.
The next week, he went to the auditions with a huge smile on his face. He took
his acting resume, a headshot, as well as a monologue he had worked
effortlessly on mastering. He also wore a suite he had borrowed from his
friend, that he knew he looked amazing in. He knew he was handsome, pretty, but
somewhere deep in his heart he hoped they would notice him and pick him for
more than his looks.
In the end, that hadn’t been the case. He was nervous when he learned that he
got the role in an idol group, he couldn’t sing or dance. Then, when he
realized he had been casted to be the visual of the group, he felt better but
sad at the same time. He had no idea how to sing or dance, but he could pull
off being pretty. He had trained tirelessly as an actor, and in the end, it
hadn’t even mattered. He doubted they had even looked at his acting resume.
He was just in the group to be a prop and that hurt more than anything. The
night before he came in for his first training secession, his father’s words
had haunted him: “just a pretty boy, you’ll never be good for anything besides
your looks.”
The night before Jin got to meet his group members had been one of the hardest
nights of his life. He only got two hours of sleep and he had at least two
separate panic attacks. Besides, a few of his fleeting or superficial
friendships in high school, he had never had a good relationship with men, and
he was about to get thrust into a group of six boys. Boys who knew why he was
in the band. Boys who knew that-while they had real talent, he was there for
one reason. He was there to be pretty.
Would he be forced to be the groups- “pretty thing” providing stress relief
after a tiring day of training, like he had been forced to be Hajoon’s stress
relief? Would they pass him around and take turns fucking him? Would they tease
him and degrade him? Would he be allowed to cook, or should he skip out on one
of his favorite past times to appear manlier and less vulnerable.
He didn’t know he would fall in love with every single member of the group. He
was unprepared to have his heart stolen by Hoseok’s heart-shaped smile, or
Kookie’s constant shy cuddles. He had no idea that a man as smart as Namjoon
would come to him for advice or that someone like Yoongi could ever see him as
an equal. He had never been treated with proper respect, so the way the boys
treated him blew him away.
Jin had been reluctant about skinship at first. He was just so scared, because
he had never been touched in a friendly, nonsexual way. He was constantly
terrified that every time Jungkook laid on his lap it would lead to rough
fucking. He was terrified that holding hands with Jimin would lead to being
forced to give the boy a blowjob, but he was wrong and as soon as he realized
that he started sucking up their love like it was a drug he was addicted to.
If only the company was as good to him. Training had been hard, hell it was the
most difficult thing Jin had ever done. He had spent his entire life training
for his dream, training to be an actor, and now he had to learn a whole new set
of skills. He had to learn how to dance and sing. But he worked tirelessly.
Still, there were times when he wasn’t even sure if BigHit really wanted him
there. They called him a visual, yet they only gave him a few seconds of screen
time here and there.
One of his managers, who he was particularly afraid of, would scream at Jin
anytime he saw the boy eating. He would call Jin a pig and ask why Jin was so
fat. Visuals, he told Jin, weren’t supposed to be fat. It was so triggering,
every single time the manager screamed at Jin to stop eating he would blink
back tears. In those moments he didn’t see his manager, he saw his father. His
father, who had been furious anytime the growing boy gained as much as a pound.
Jin worked his hardest to lose weight. For a year, he only ate two chicken
breasts a day. This landed him in the hospital, but he didn’t care. As hard as
he tried he knew he would never be able to rap like Namjoon, sing like
Taehyung, dance like Hoseok, or do everything like Jungkook. He was in BTS to
be attractive and if that meant dieting, he would diet.
No matter how verbally abusive some of the managers were Jin never complained.
He knew he was in the band to support the real stars. He was there to support
his little ones. He loved taking care of his dongsaengs. Every morning he would
be the first to wake up, so he could cook breakfast and make sure that everyone
was fed and ready to go where ever they had to be that day. He often felt like
the mother of the group, a title he loved.
He hadn’t had good teenage years, not by a long shot, but he felt like every
bad experience he had been forced to endure could be made up if he could just
keep his little ones far from harms way. Making sure they had great teenage
years was his way of making up for his own horrible ones.
Of course, Jin couldn’t protect the boys from all evil. The day their manager
told Jimin to lose weight, he was furious. He burned dinner twice and broke
three plates, finally giving up and asking Jungkook to go get food. Jimin was
already so skinny. Besides, it wasn’t Jimin’s job to worry about how he looked.
Jimin wasn’t Jin, he had more going for him. He could dance and sing well too.
He was brave, and kind and so sweet. He should be eating full course meals as
Jin starved himself.
“Jin, you need to stop acting like this. You’re dragging the other boys down.”
PD-nim said.
Jin’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
It had been a stressful day because BTS was shooting the first video potential
fans would ever see them in. They had only been shooting for about an hour but
Jin thought he was doing great so far.
Before filming, Jin remembered how he always loved watching goofy idols the
most. He knew he was goofy, so he just tried to be himself. He had joked around
with the maknae line. He even did that strange trick where he bent backwards
and walked around on his legs and hands chasing Hobi around the studio for a
bit. There wasn’t a moment when his window shield laugh wasn’t heard. But
apparently PD-nim wasn’t happy with Jin’s performance because he had pulled Jin
aside the second he had a moment to spare.
“W-why?” Jin felt like he might start crying soon. He thought he did a good
job. He had given it his all.
Nim PD sighed, he looked like he regretted that he had to break this news to
Jin. “Jin, we need you to act like a serious, tough guy, like a heartthrob. And
that doesn’t just go for this video, we need you to act serious in all the
videos and interviews from now on. You’re a visual, you’re not here to goof
around and be yourself. You’re only here to be pretty.”
Jin stumbled backwards for a fraction of a second. The words hurt so much.
Flashbacks of his father and Hajoon and even his only girlfriend exploded in
his head. “You’re not good for anything but being pretty.”
Jin blinked rapidly to keep the tears from his eyes, even if he couldn’t keep
the flashbacks from his mind.
“I understand, and I apologize. I promise I won’t mess up again.” Jin said.
This had to be one of the most embarrassing moments of Jin’s life. The worst
part was that he knew he deserved this humiliation. He deserved this pain. He
was just a pretty boy, that’s all he would ever be, and he deserved to be
punished for forgetting that.
Jin was quiet for the rest of the shooting. He was mostly standing by the
sidelines, just trying not to cry. The boys kept asking Jin if he was okay, not
knowing about that PD-nim reprimanded him. Jin just said he was fine and
ignored their skeptical looks.
As soon as they got home, Jin went into his room, laid on his bed and covered
himself with his blankets. He quietly cried into his pillows. It hurt to know
how right his father had been, how right everyone had been. He was just a
pretty boy and he was so wrong to forget it. He had embarrassed everyone by
being himself. He was so stupid, how many painful times would he have to be
taught and reminded that he was just a pretty face and a sexy body?
Jungkook came into their room, probably trying to get a change of more
comfortable clothes. Jungkook walked in, but the second he saw Jin in bed the
footsteps stopped.
“Jin Hyung,” Jungkook said, walking over to the bed. Jin felt the bed dip with
Jungkook’s weight and a few seconds later felt someone lay his hand on Jin’s
back.
“I know you’re hungry, Kookie, I’ll be out to get you food soon, maybe get a
snack until then.” Jin was so used to being a means to an end that he had no
idea why else Jungkook would be on his bed.
There was an awkward pause.
“Hyung,” Jungkook sounded so confused. “Hyung, I don’t want food. I want to
know why you’re upset. Please, let me see your face.”
Jungkook was so young, young and innocent in a way Jin had never been. Jin
didn’t want to dump this burden on him. More footsteps joined and Jin could
hear Jimin, Hoseok and Taehyung joking and playing around with each other. They
stopped talking when they saw Jungkook talking to Jin. Jin didn’t want any of
the boys to see him like this. He just wanted to be left alone.
“Jin Hyung,” Hoseok asked.
“I’ll be out in a minute, please just give me a second.” Jin asked.
Jin heard the footsteps coming closer. The three of them joined Kookie and sat
on his bed together. Each of the boys massaged or held a part of Jin’s body.
Jungkook was rubbing his hands over Jin’s back. Jimin grabbed one of his hands.
Hoseok ran his fingers through Jin’s hair, and Taehyung grabbed his leg.
Their touches were so soft and so gentle. Jin knew he didn’t deserve their
gentle touches, he deserved to have them grab him roughly and force him to have
sex with them. That’s all he was good for, anyway. He was so grateful that
Namjoon and Min Yoongi were at the studio right now. He didn’t want more people
to see him in such a stupid, pitiful state, upset because his manager told him
something he already knew.
“What happened, Hyung?” Jimin asked.
“Nothing,” Jin said.
“It can’t be nothing, Hyung. Nothing wouldn’t make you cry like this.” Taehyung
said. Jin hated how worried Taehyung sounded.
Jin didn’t want to tell anyone. He was too embarrassed, too ashamed of the way
he had acted out.
“Can you please show us your face, Hyung?” Jungkook’s soft, sweet voice asked
again.
Jin raised his face from the pillow and Taehyung was quick to wipe away his
tears.
“Please tell us,” Taehyung asked.
Jin opened his mouth to refuse, but then he saw the worried look on their
faces. Jin knew he should tell them why he was crying so they knew he deserved
it.
“Um… do you remember how I was laughing and joking around on set, before PD Nim
came to talk to me. Do you remember how bad I was acting?” Jin asked, as more
tears streamed down his face. His cheeks burned.
“Yeah, but Jin Hyung, you weren’t acting badly. We all love it when you act
goofy like that, especially when you did that backwards twist thing and you
were chasing Hoseok Hyung around the set.” Jimin laughed at the memory. The
sound of Jimin’s laugh made Jin’s heart soar.
“PD-nim didn’t like it. He said the fans won’t like me if I act like myself. I
need to act tough and manly in front of the cameras.” Jin said, furiously
blinking away his tears.
The boys were stunned silent for several long moments.
“But why,” Jungkook finally broke the silence.
“They don’t want me to be goofy. I’m the visual, I’m not supposed to be funny.
I’m just here to look pretty.” Jin spit out the last part with venom in his
voice.
“But it’s just for the cameras. You can keep making us laugh and being yourself
when the cameras are off, right?” Taehyung asked.
Jin looked at the devastated look on Taehyung’s face. It was mirrored in the
faces of all the boys. Jin’s insides felt so warm and tingly. He couldn’t talk
for several moments because a lump had formed in his throat. So what if PD Nim
thought he was just a pretty face? So what if everyone in the world thought he
was just a hot body with a nice face?
His brothers saw him as more than that. They loved him, and they would miss him
if he stopped acting like himself. He knew Namjoon and Min Yoongi felt the same
way too, even if they weren’t here to witness his mental break down. For the
first time in his life, he found a home, a safe home, with people who loved him
for his heart and his mind, not just his bedroom skills. He would be okay. He
could handle anything BigHit threw at him as long as his brothers were there.
“Yeah, of course, I’ll always be your goofy Hyung when the cameras are off, no
matter what.” Jin said.
“Just remember Hyung, if they don’t love you like we do then forget them. They
don’t deserve you anyway,” Jimin said, holding Jin’s hands.
“Thank you, guys, I feel so much better. Now, time to make dinner,” Jin said.
Later that night, Jin was lying in his bed. Jin decided to be gentle with
himself that night so he had eaten a whole plate of his favorite food,
Naengmyun, that he made that night. He even took a bubble bath. Now he was
relaxing in bed while he watched “The Matrix,” which was his favorite movie.
Jungkook had agreed to watch with him. Jin was spooning Jungkook and Jin’s
laptop was next to them. They were watching a tense action scene, but Jin
noticed that the Jungkook kept smiling.
“What are you thinking about?” Jin asked.
“Oh nothing, Hyung,” Jungkook replied.
“Tell me or else I’ll tickle you.” Jin said, brushing Jungkook’s sides.
“Hyung, stop.” Jungkook squealed.
“Okay, so will you tell me?” Jin asked.
“I was just thinking about how one day, when BTS gets famous you won’t have to
hide yourself anymore, Hyung.” Jungkook said.
Jin was surprised. “What do you mean, Jungkookie?”
“Like, you can be silly and goofy and tell your lame dad jokes to everyone,
even though they’re not funny.” Jungkook said.
“Hey,” Jin said.
“And if anyone doesn’t like you our ARMY will kick them out. And no one will
have to worry about dieting and you’ll have a whole show where you eat and talk
to Army. And we’ll win awards at the Melon Music Awards and even the Billboard
music awards.” Jungkook said.
Jin tried his hardest not to coo. His little Kookie was so cute with his huge
imagination.
“Kookie I don’t think there’s a way in hell a K-pop band could win a Billboard
music award. That’s an American award,” Jin said, smiling into Jungkook’s hair.
He’d do anything to make Jimin’s crazy dreams come true.
Chapter End Notes
     Thanks again to everyone who commented, bookmarked this or left
     kudos. I'd love to know what you all thought of this chapter.
End Notes
     Hey I'm really sorry if this chapter was a bit boring. I felt like it
     was necessary. The next chapter will be dedicated to Jin's first few
     years in BigHit and how the company beat him down more and made him
     feel even more like a worthless pretty boy. Also, I'd love to read
     your comments. Please tell me what you think.
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