Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5282297.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      ダイヤのA_|_Daiya_no_A_|_Ace_of_Diamond
  Relationship:
      Miyuki_Kazuya/Sawamura_Eijun
  Character:
      Sawamura_Eijun, Miyuki_Kazuya, Takigawa_Chris_Yuu, Takashima_Rei, Kataoka
      Tesshin, Kuramochi_Youichi, Kominato_Haruichi, Furuya_Satoru
  Additional Tags:
      Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending, Rape, Post-Traumatic
      Stress_Disorder_-_PTSD, Stalking, Manga_Spoilers, First_Time, Anal_Sex
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-11-25 Updated: 2016-11-17 Chapters: 9/? Words: 49023
****** Journey ******
by kazuyaloveseijun_(satorumiyuki)
Summary
     Sawamura and Miyuki have been dating for a month and life couldn't be
     better until one night a stranger's visit to Seidou changes
     everyone's lives. Now all that's left is to pick up the pieces and
     try to put their lives back together.
Notes
     WARNING: THIS FIC HAS RAPE AND VIOLENCE IN IT. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF
     YOURSELF. IF THAT'S NOT YOUR KIND OF THING BUT YOU WANT THE HURT/
     COMFORT/ANGST OF IT ALL I SUGGEST SKIPPING THE FIRST CHAPTER.
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
“Shit,” Eijun curses under his breath and sets down his piece of cake.
“What is it?” Miyuki turns to him, a small speck of frosting on the corner of
his lip as he continues to fight the smile he’s been holding back all night.
Eijun wants to taste it.
Later, he tells himself and touches his left pocket under the table for the
umpteenth time that night. 
“I forgot your present in my room.” Your public present, he adds in his head
and can’t help the rush of heat to his face at the thought.
“You can give it to me later,” Miyuki gives him a significant look and Eijun
flushes deeper.
“I have something else to give you later,” Eijun tries to return the look and
from the blush creeping into life on his captain’s cheeks he knows the message
is received.
In the past month they’ve grown adept at this sort of communication; the
language of discretion, meaning conveyed through tone and look, always careful
to keep their distance.
“You two are about as subtle as a fastball to the face,”Kuramochi told them the
week after they became a couple.
“Well then make it fast, you don’t want to miss Zono doing karaoke,” he nods to
the corner where Kawakami and Shirasu are setting up the mics. “This is sure to
be good too,” he turns his head to where Kuramochi and Kanemaru are setting up
the mats for Dance Dance Revolution.
“I won’t miss it,” Eijun grins. “I’ll blow you away with my amazing singing and
dancing skills.”
“Oh? Is that all you’ll blow me with?” Miyuki whispers suggestively. The effect
is somewhat ruined by his red face.
“Shut up Miyuki Kazuya,” Eijun whispers back, struggling to keep his voice in
check just as much as his blush.  He pushes his chair back and makes his way
out of the room full of his teammates.
“Oi, Bakamura!” Kuramochi’s voice stops him at the door. “Where do you think
you’re going? Running away before I can kick your ass at dancing?” He cackles
and Eijun beams at him.
“No way, senpai. I forgot something in our room, I’ll be right back.”
“Get me a Pocari Sweat from the vending machine while you’re at it.”
“OK.” Eijun closes the door behind him before anyone else can give him a drink
order.
The cold evening air feels good in his face after the warmth of the party. He
fills his lungs with it, relief setting in now that all their hard work is
paying off. A rush of giddiness overtakes him and he stifles a giggle. Miyuki
seems to truly be enjoying his surprise party, the stress of the last few
months forgotten at least for his birthday.     
Eijun walks quickly, not wanting to miss any of the fun, not wanting to miss
the look on his boyfriend’s face when the retired third years show up. He
especially wants to thank Chris for looking after Miyuki earlier today; when he
returned from visiting the former catcher at his rehabilitation his mood had
been noticeably lighter.
He unlocks the door to room 5 and doesn’t bother turning on the light. Miyuki’s
birthday present is sitting where he left it on his desk. The wrapping paper
crinkles pleasantly under his fingers and for a moment he wonders if maybe
Miyuki would prefer to receive this in private.
Eijun pictures the soft smile Miyuki reserves only for him, the way Miyuki’s
amber eyes fill with warmth. He clutches the present to his fluttering chest
and lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
Too many people helped with Eijun’s present, they deserve to see Miyuki receive
it, he decides. He just hopes their captain can let down his guard enough to
show everyone what it means to him; if it means anything.
He locks the door behind him, the present tucked under his arm and slaps his
cheeks, letting out an ‘oshi!’ to pump himself up. He thought a long time about
his present for his boyfriend and put a lot of work into it, he’s sure it will
be well received. Nervousness gnaws at his stomach regardless as he turns back
toward the dining hall, taking the present in his fingers again.
His pace slows as someone rounds the corner of the building, coming from the
alley between the dorms and the indoor practice facility. The person pauses
momentarily in the covered passageway before coming toward him. Eijun studies
the figure as they approach each other. It’s dark in the passage so he can’t
see perfectly but it doesn’t look like one of the third years or teachers.
“Sawamura-kun! Just the person I was looking for!” The man’s tone is light and
friendly as he waves at Eijun and steps into the light of the courtyard.
Eijun stops in front of the laundry room and cocks his head to the side in
confusion. There’s something familiar about him but Eijun doesn’t know who he
is. He feels like he should know with the familiar way the man speaks to him.
“Ah, I’m sorry sir, do I know you?” He laughs awkwardly as the man stops in
front of him.
Whoever he is he’s only slightly taller than Eijun but with the cap pulled down
so tight and the angle of his head Eijun can’t see his eyes very well. He can
see the crooked grin that flashes at him.
“No I don’t think you would remember me but I’m a fan.”
Eijun blinks at him in surprise. He was expecting this to be an old senpai
coming for Miyuki’s party, someone’s older brother dropping by, but then why
would the stranger be looking for Eijun specifically? He still wasn’t expecting
this.
“A-a fan?” Eijun gawks and can feel a blush forming on his cheeks as his chest
swells with pride. “I didn’t know I had fans.”
“Of course,” the man grins. “You’re such a unique pitcher Sawamura-kun; I’ve
never seen someone quite like you. That shut out game you pitched against
Nanamori Academy was truly spectacular.”
“It was something wasn’t it?” Eijun laughs, feeling warm with praise.
“Everyone is always talking about Furuya-kun but you’re my favorite, I see how
you shine on the mound.”
“Really?” Eijun feels almost lightheaded. He wishes there were more people
around to hear this, people might not believe him when he tells them.
“Yes. You bring a light to the field that no one else does, it’s very
attractive,” the man says breathlessly, taking a step closer to Eijun. “You’re
the true ace of Seidou.”  
“Wow,” Eijun laughs, “thank you for noticing. I mean, sometimes I think I have
a long way to go but sometimes I think I’m just as good as Furuya.”
“I’m sure you’ll be the ace in no time,” the man says affectionately.
Eijun laughs again and hugs Miyuki’s present to his chest, flush with pleasure.
Just the other day Miyuki had told him something similar with heated eyes in
the deserted bullpen; there might have been something else in there about still
needing to work hard but Eijun was having a hard time listening with Miyuki’s
face getting so close to his.
The feel of the present against his chest bring him back to his task. He
wonders if the stranger would like to come to the party and if he wanted to
tell everyone in the room how great Eijun was well then, he couldn’t really
stop him could he?
“Got somewhere to be? It sounds like a party.”
“Yes,” Eijun answers proudly. “It’s our captain’s birthday. The party was my
idea.”
“That was very thoughtful of you Sawamura-kun. Is that his present?” Eijun nods
enthusiastically. “You’re very generous to throw him a party and get him a
present.”
“Well he is the captain,” Eijun laughs nervously, hoping the blush on his face
can be excused by the compliment.
“I suppose I should let you get back to the party before you’re missed but…”
the man trails off and Eijun can see his lips quirk down into a slight frown.
“What is it?” Eijun asks. He wants to get back to the party but he also doesn’t
want his fan to be sad.
“Say, Sawamura-kun could you do your biggest fan a favor?” The man’s lips
twitch at the corners.
“What is it? Anything for Sawamura’s biggest fan,” Eijun rubs the back of his
head, holding the present at his side. Wow, he thinks, I can’t believe I
already have a fan.
“Well, I was waiting around for a while,” the man says lightly, “and I want the
wait to have been worth it so maybe just a kiss?”
Eijun feels like his heart has stopped beating before it picks back up and
pounds in his chest. He’s not laughing anymore.
“A k-kiss? Uh,” he rubs the back of his head again before dropping his hand.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do that.” He thinks of what Miyuki will say
when he tells him Eijun has a fan and he wanted a kiss from him. He’ll probably
just laugh, the bastard.
“Really?” The man frowns. “I could have sworn you said “anything for Sawamura’s
biggest fan”.”
“Ah, well, yes I did say that but uh,” Eijun tries not to squirm with
discomfort. “I uh, didn’t know it was going to be a kiss.”
“Have you never kissed someone Sawamura-kun?” The stranger asks
sympathetically.
“N-no, I have but uh,” he laughs uncertainly, at a loss for words for once in
his life; thinking of Miyuki pulling him aside the evening of the game against
Nanamori. The look he had given Eijun then as they sat on the bench by the
vending machines, legs almost touching.
“You know, when you pitched to the inside I was so happy I thought I could kiss
you,”Miyuki had said without a hint of his usual humor. “The feeling hasn’t
gone away so, can I? Kiss you…”
The guileless, earnest brush of lips against lips had changed Eijun’s world
just as Miyuki had changed it the day they met.
“I’m sorry,” Eijun says more firmly. He squeezes Miyuki’s present.  “I can’t do
that it wouldn’t be right.”
The man doesn’t say anything; he just frowns at Eijun as uneasiness begins to
settle in Eijun’s chest. “Uh, I should go now. Sorry,” Eijun bows and is nearly
knocked off his feet as the man sweeps him into a headlock.
Is this guy related to Kuramochi-senpai? He thinks dazedly, but no, Kuramochi
has never once made fear bubble up in his chest.
Eijun opens his mouth whether to yell or demand to be let go he doesn’t know
and doesn’t find out because a hand clamps over his mouth before he knows what
he’s doing.
“This could have been easy,” the man whispers close to Eijun’s face. “I was
just asking for a kiss.” He pulls, forcing Eijun to take a step. “But then you
had to go and upset me like this. You were supposed to say yes, not make me
think about you kissing someone else.”
He continues to pull Eijun along, his arm tight around Eijun’s neck and his
hand over Eijun’s mouth making it harder to breath.
Miyuki’s present drops from his fingers. The sound of it is muffled by the
pounding blood in his ears. His hands pull at the arm, desperate for air, but
it doesn’t budge. He scratches uselessly against the arm, his short nails doing
no harm against the man’s jacket.
It’s when he realizes the man is forcing him in the passageway toward the alley
between the buildings that he really starts to struggle.
He brings his elbow back as hard as he can against the man’s stomach, earning
him an “oof” as the man doubles over, bringing Eijun with him. Eijun stomps as
hard as he can on the man’s foot and his grip loosens enough for Eijun to duck
his head out of the man’s arms.
He gasps for breath as he stumbles sideways, trying to put distance between
them. He leans against the wall. He can’t get enough air in his lungs to scream
but he turns back toward the party, knows everything will be ok if he can only
make it back to the warmth and light a few meters away. It’s so close he can
hear Kuramochi laugh. He moves toward the welcome noise.
A hand grabs his arm, squeezing painfully as it yanks Eijun backwards. He loses
his footing and trips, falling back against the stranger who catches him and
takes advantage of his lost footing; pulling Eijun backwards, his legs dragging
on the ground.
He twists with all his might, struggling in vain against the strong arms around
him. He hadn’t noticed before but the man smells of cigarettes. Eijun breaths
in the acrid smell with every gasp, his heart hammering against his chest. He
digs his nails into the man’s hands, wishing uselessly that he hadn’t cut them
earlier that day.
Eijun is dropped to the ground with an irritated curse from the man. He lands
on his left elbow and pain shoots through his arm. He groans and rolls to his
side intent on scrambling back to his feet but a kick to his stomach knocks the
wind out of him and makes him curl in on himself.
“What’s this?” The man wheezes and Eijun can hear him bending down next to him.
He curls tighter around himself, protecting his aching stomach as he struggles
against the tightness in his chest to fill his lungs with air.
“I think you dropped your lube Sawamura-kun.” There’s a pause in which Eijun
feels his heart leap to his throat. “I’m relieved it’s unopened. You don’t want
to make me more jealous do you? Did you have plans to use this? Or were you
waiting for me? Maybe it’s fate.” He laughs softly, crouched in front of Eijun.
Eijun rolls to his other side and scrambles on hands and knees as quickly as he
can before trying to get on his feet. He’s stopped by a hand grabbing his
ankle, sending him back on the ground and onto his aching stomach.
His head is forced up by a grip on his hair, pulling him to his knees. The
lights swimming before his eyes are blocked out and his gasping breath is cut
short by the press of the man’s mouth to his. The man’s tongue snakes into
Eijun’s mouth before he can clamp his jaw. He tastes like mint chewing gum and
cigarettes.
Eijun pushes uselessly against the man’s chest and when that doesn’t work he
does the only thing he can think of to get the unwelcome tongue out of his
mouth; he bites.
The man pulls away with a low chuckle.
“You taste sweet, exactly how I thought you would.”
“You got your kiss now let me go,” Eijun says desperately, trying to pry the
fingers off his hair.
His vision blurs as a fist connects with the side of his face, clicking his jaw
shut. The lingering taste of mint and cigarettes is replaced with blood.    
“Sorry about that,” the man says breathlessly, his fist tightening around
Eijun’s hair. “I didn’t want to hurt your pretty face but you don’t leave me
much choice. I don’t think I’ll be kissing you again but I have much better in
mind now.”
“That’s not fair,” Eijun whimpers. He said he just wanted a kiss, he thinks
childishly.
The man laughs and hot anger takes hold of him for the first time.
He spits the blood in his mouth at the man’s face.
He’s not laughing anymore.
The man wipes off the blood and spit with the back of his hand. His face is
cast in shadows but Eijun can feel the intensity of the man’s gaze on him as he
stands over Eijun. He glares up defiantly.
Eijun claws at the hand fisted in his hair and aims a kick at the man’s shin.
It connects and the man grunts and pulls Eijun’s hair before another blow to
the same spot has his vision going spotty.
His head throbs with pain as the man begins to drag him backwards by his hair.
He feels like his head is going to split open and he pants for breath against
the pain. He blinks into the darkness and realizes that they’re in the alley
between the dorm and the indoor practice facility. The lights are off.
The bench next to the vending machine appears to his right and Eijun grabs it
like a lifeline, gritting his teeth as a handful of hair rips from his scalp.
He uses the bench to pull himself up as his vision blurs momentarily with hot
tears.
No this is our bench, he thinks and wipes angrily at his eyes.
He swallows the new blood in his mouth and turns to face the man, anger welling
in his chest again. It bubbles out of him as a feral growl and the man laughs
at him.
His body protests but he forces himself to stand straight, his stomach aching
dully. He closes his left hand experimentally, careful to keep his thumb on the
outside. His left arm hurts but he grits his teeth and takes a swing when the
man steps closer to him, still laughing softly.
His swing is wild and the man catches Eijun’s arm easily, twisting it behind
his back as he steps into Eijun’s space. He can feel the man’s hot breath on
his face and his stomach roils.
He brings his knee up toward the other’s crotch. The man jumps back, releasing
Eijun’s arm. His knee doesn’t connect but he extends his leg easily and kicks.
He misses his target but he hears the air rush out of the man as his foot
presses against the soft flesh of the man’s stomach. He shifts his weight and
pushes with everything he has, sending the man stumbling backwards, his arms
flailing to keep his balance.
Eijun blinks in confusion when he finds himself sitting hard on the bench. The
glow of the vending machines is enough to show him the man leaning against the
opposite wall, one hand on his stomach, his head bowed, face obscured by the
black cap. The light suddenly feels too intense, Eijun’s head throbs.
He closes his eyes tight and there’s only the hum of the vending machines, and
the heavy breaths of the man across from him.
Get up, a voice tells him and he nods in agreement. Yes, he should move. Now,
it insists and Eijun thinks it sounds like Miyuki; not soft and warm Miyuki
under the blankets of room 203 but captain Miyuki commanding his team with
confidence. He wishes he felt that confident right now.
His hands tighten on the bench as he pushes himself up, forcing his eyes open
against a wave of dizziness. A hand closes around his throat and pulls him the
rest of the way up.
His head and stomach swim as he’s pulled and then pushed roughly. His front is
cold, pressed against something hard, his cheek rubbing against a course
surface. It stands in contrast to the heat at his throat and back.
“This was nice foreplay,” a voice whispers in his ear, “but if you don’t mind I
think I’m ready to move on.”
Suddenly Eijun can’t breathe although the pressure on his throat hasn’t changed
as a hand tugs at the waistband of his sweatpants.
He swats the hand away with a sharp slap and it withdraws.
“Now, now, I thought we were done with that,” the voice chuckles near his face
and his body is pressed harder against the wall. He feels like he’s being
crushed.
“Be a good boy for me Sawamura-kun, otherwise I might have to go find someone
else to get rid of this,” he grinds his erection against Eijun’s ass and a
panicked whine gets caught in Eijun’s throat. “You have a lot of pretty
teammates, even though you’re my favorite. I’d love to see little Kominato-kun
turn as pink as his hair.” He chuckles. No, not Harucchi, Eijun thinks,
clenching his fists.
“Or your gorgeous captain,” Eijun’s heart thuds painfully against the wall.
“Have you ever wondered what he’d look like on his knees? I have.”
Eijun’s gut wrenches at that thought and he feels sick.  
He tries not to think of how Miyuki looks on his knees in front of Eijun, eyes
half lidded but alight with fire as he moans around Eijun’s cock, his hand
working unsteadily between his own thighs.  
He tries not to think of Miyuki in his place.
Eijun’s throat works painfully to produce sounds. The hand on it relaxes some
but the message it there, Eijun understands it even if his thoughts are getting
cloudy; don’t scream.
He doesn’t think he could even if he wanted, not with his throat so tight and
his head pounding.
“What was that Sawamura-kun?”
Eijun licks his lips and takes a wheezing breath before trying again.
“Please don’t.”
“So polite but it’s a little late for that.”
Panic grips him momentarily. No, not them. Not Miyuki,he thinks but then the
hand is back at his waistband, the small of his back this time and Eijun
realizes the man thought he was pleading for himself. Tears sting at his eyes
and he shuts them.
Cold night air makes his exposed skin break into goosebumps as his pants and
boxers are forced down. His blunted nails dig into the palms of his fists.
“Don’t move,” the man whispers into Eijun’s ear and flexes his fingers before
removing them.
He can hear the rustling of fabric behind him but he doesn’t look.
“I hope you don’t mind if I keep the lube,” the man says and Eijun hears the
foil being peeled off the tube. “It’ll be a nice little memento. I’ll think of
you every time I use it.”
There’s nothing on his throat now but it still feels tight, like his windpipe
is stuck in a vice as he feels the man step closer to him and nudge Eijun’s
legs further apart.
The man clasps a hand over Eijun’s mouth to stifle any noises but Eijun keeps
his jaw clenched as pain rips into him.
It burns and his legs shake with the effort of staying upright as his knees
buckle. He puts all his weight against the wall as hot tears finally spill from
the corners of his closed eyes.
He tries to concentrate on other sensations, the wall digging into his bruised
cheek, the throbbing of his headache, the clenching of his fists, but he keeps
being dragged back to the pain between his legs.
“You’re so tight; I can tell you’ve never done this before, good boy Eijun. I
hope I can call you Eijun now.” The man pants against Eijun’s neck making his
skin crawl.
The man lays a wet kiss on Eijun’s neck and Eijun twitches, raises his
shoulders to try to protect himself.
“I’m making love to you and you don’t want me to kiss you?” The man says
breathlessly, voice full of amusement and Eijun huffs angrily against the hand
on his mouth. “Don’t you want to feel good too?”
To Eijun’s horror the man’s other hand reaches around to fondle him. Bile rises
in his throat and he swallows it down. The only thing he feels is pain and it
becomes apparent quickly that he’s not going to get it up so the man abandons
his task, gripping Eijun’s hip instead.
“That’s too bad Eijun, hopefully it’s enough to know that I feel good, and I
feel very good. You’re so tight and hot I’m not going to last much longer. I
wish I could do this all night I’ve been thinking about it for so long…” the
man babbles on and all Eijun can think is soon, it’ll be over soon and the pain
will stop soon.
He’s not sure how much longer it takes, time feels fuzzy and he’s not sure if
it’s the headache or the difficulty he has breathing with the hand over his
mouth and his throat still tight but he feels consciousness begin to slip from
him a few times.
His body feels numb by the time he’s aware the movement has stopped. There’s no
hand holding him up anymore and his legs finally give out.
The ground is cold on and he rests his forehead on the wall, taking gasping
breaths.
“Sorry there’s not time for more Eijun but I think I should go now.” The man
says from above him and ruffles Eijun’s hair. Eijun flinches. “See you around,”
he whispers and with a caress he’s gone.
Eijun can hear the man walking away as his body starts to tremble. He finally
opens his eyes and the tears flow more freely. He feels sick to his stomach and
the pain hasn’t stopped. He thought it would have stopped.
He leans to the side and vomits. It tastes like blood and birthday cake.
His vision blurs as he drops to his hands and knees.
Shower, I need a shower, he thinks dimly but he can’t get to his body to move
anywhere but down to the ground. It’s cold against his naked lower half. He
wishes he could pull up his pants. I need to get to the shower,he thinks before
his eyes close again.
Miyuki only likes me when I’m clean.     
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Eijun’s eyes snap open and his heart begins to race when he hears someone enter
the alley.
He’s back he thinks and can’t suppress the panic that makes his aching body
tremble. Please no I can’t take any more.
It takes effort but he unclenches his hands and tries to push himself up. Pain
shoots through his body and he drops back down, his vision blurring. He hears
the footsteps stop and the metallic tinkling of coins scattering on the
concrete.
“Sawamura,” a quiet voice says and Eijun’s heart pounds. “I-I’ll go get help,”
the voice says and Eijun can feel the pounding footsteps reverberate in his
skull.
No, no no no no, Eijun tries to pull himself forward, away from the direction
the footsteps went, distress taking over.
He needs to get somewhere private; he can’t be seen, not like this.
His arms feel heavy and useless, his nails digging into the concrete as he
tries to claw his way forward. He tries to use his legs to inch his way away
but the pain is too intense. His thighs feel slick and wet and the realization
of what it is, that he can feel it seeping out of himself makes him vomit
again.
The footsteps are back, heavier this time and Eijun is having a hard time
breathing.
“Sawamura,” a soft voice says and Eijun chokes on a sob. He hides his face in
his arms and cries, his stomach muscles throbbing with every gasping breath.
“Shit,” Chris curses under his breath and he’s closer now, Eijun can feel him
crouched next to him.
There are more heavy footsteps, so many Eijun feels like his head is splitting
from the noise, they don’t come closer but Eijun can hear indistinct murmuring.
He can feel their eyes on him, can feel them sizing up the situation, knows
it’s obvious what happened.
He wants them all to stop looking.
“Shirasu, go get Kataoka-kantoku,” he hears Shirasu running before Chris
finishes the sentence. “Kuramochi bring a blanket and a change of clothes for
Sawamura.” There’s no sound of movement. “Kuramochi,” Chris says softer, “now.”
There’s still no movement.
“Come on Kuramochi-senpai, I’ll help,” Haruichi’s gentle voice speaks up.  
“Miyuki,” Chris says quietly and Eijun’s chest constricts painfully. “Help me
pull his pants up. The rest of you get back to the dining hall and don’t touch
anything on your way.”
“Like hell we’re going back,” Eijun flinches at Isashiki’s harsh voice,
“whoever did this might still be around, we could catch him and –”
“It could be dangerous, he could have a weapon,” Chris cuts him off and Eijun
shakes.
He didn’t have a weapon, he wants to say but he can’t, I’m just weak.
“We can grab our bats,” Yuuki’s says solemnly.
There’s a tense silence as Chris thinks that over. Eijun doesn’t care where
they go; he just wants them to leave.
“Stay in groups of at least three, no less, and be back in ten minutes,” Chris
sighs and Eijun hears the remaining team move away with an angry buzz.
“Miyuki,” Chris says again and Eijun hears soft footsteps approach his other
side.
“Sawamura,” Miyuki breaths and Eijun’s heart pounds.
His breath is coming in rapid gasps he can’t control.
“Breathe slower Sawamura, you’re going to hyperventilate,” Chris says calmly.
“Do you understand?” He adds and Eijun nods slowly. “Take one deep breath on
three,” Chris counts for him and Eijun tries to breathe in deep but it ends in
a sob that racks his body.
“Sawamura,” Miyuki says, his voice pained.
A hand touches his arm and he flinches. The hand withdraws quickly.
“Again,” Chris says and counts again until Eijun is out of danger of
hyperventilating.
“We’re going to pull your pants up now, ok Sawamura?” Chris says softly.
Eijun nods against his arms and tries another steading breath. He knows the
hands are coming but he still flinches and yelps when they touch him; one pair
of large, steady hands and a smaller pair that’s less sure but that Eijun would
know anywhere.
They each help lift him as they pull his pants and boxers up. The pain makes
his stomach churn.
“Chris-senpai,” Miyuki’s voice sounds strained, “there’s so much blood.”
“I know,” Chris’ voice shakes imperceptibly.
A pair of pounding footsteps makes Eijun’s heart race again.
“Here,” Kuramochi pants and Eijun feels something draped over him.
“I’m going to pick you up now, ok Sawamura?” Chris says and Miyuki makes a
noise of protest.
“I can do it Chris-senpai,” Miyuki says but Chris is already picking Eijun up
wrapping the blanket around him and holding him to his chest like he weighs
nothing.
His head pounds and his body aches but he’s glad to be off the cold ground even
if he can’t stop shaking. It takes him a moment to reorient, the dim light in
the alley feeling harsh against his eyes. When they focus it’s on Miyuki’s
face, ghostly pale and eyes wide.
Miyuki steps closer. The pounding of blood in Eijun’s ears blocks out the words
but he’s seen Miyuki’s lips shape his name a hundred times. Miyuki reaches out
a hand to touch Eijun’s face and he turns away burring his face in the blanket.
His nose is stuffy from crying but it smells like Kuramochi.
“Don’t,” he says through the tightness in his throat. “Don’t look at me.”
He doesn’t want this. He wants to wash himself clean and crawl into bed and be
left alone with his pain, not have it all on display for his entire team to
see. He doesn’t want anyone looking at him, especially Miyuki, not after he’s
been used like he has.
He’s still crying, breathing raggedly into the blanket. He can hear Kuramochi
speaking softly but he can’t hear the words. Chris says something too; Eijun
can feel the words in his chest along with the pounding of Chris’ heart and
then they’re moving. The movement makes him wince.
He wonders if Chris will take him to his dorm, or if he can be convinced to
stop at the bathhouse, he really needs a hot shower to scrub himself clean and
a long soak in the bath.
When they stop Eijun peeks out of the blanket. The lights of the courtyard burn
his eyes but he can see Kataoka, Takashima, Ochiai, and Oota approaching them.
He hides his face in the blanket again.
“Chris,” Kataoka barks and Eijun flinches at the volume. “Follow me to my car;
we’ll take him to the hospital. The rest of you stay here with coach Ochiai and
Oota, the police are on their way.”
Hospital? Police? Eijun’s heart hammers. He doesn’t want to go to the hospital.
Hospitals mean bright lights and unwelcome questions and invasive touches.
Police mean he has to remember everything that just happened. He just wants to
forget, to be clean and alone and forget.
“Kataoka-kantoku, here,” Haruichi says and Eijun chances a glance out of the
privacy of the blanket to see Haruichi hand over some of Eijun’s clothes. At
least most of them are his clothes, the sweater neatly folded on top isn’t his,
it’s Miyuki’s. His stomach lurches.
Miyuki won’t want him to wear his clothes anymore, not after what happened to
him, not after he’s been tainted.
Miyuki won’t want him anymore.
He squirms in Chris’ arms but his hold doesn’t lessen as he follows Kataoka and
Takashima.
“Miyuki-kun,” Takashima says gently, “stay with the others.”
“No, I’m coming,” Miyuki says and his voice waivers in a way Eijun has never
heard. It makes his heart ache.
You don’t want to come, Eijun wants to say, you don’t want to see me like this.
I don’t want you to see me like this.
“Miyuki-kun you need to stay, you’re the captain. They’ll be looking to you for
guidance.”
“I…I’m his partner, I need to go,” Miyuki pleads and a fresh wave of tears
overtakes Eijun.
“Please Rei-chan, he might need me, I…please.”
“Miyuki,” Kataoka’s voice is firm but gentle, “there’s nothing you can do for
him right now. The only thing you can do is lead your team.”
“You can visit him in the morning, Miyuki-kun. I’ll take you myself,” Takashima
says.
Will he want to see me in the morning? Eijun thinks, chest tight.After he
realizes I’m disgusting?
“He’ll be ok, Miyuki,” Chris’ says, “Sawamura is strong.”
Not strong enough to stop this from happening.
When they reach Kataoka’s car Chris eases him into the backseat.  A wave of
pain and nausea hit him when he sits and feels the wetness seeping between his
legs. He hopes there’s not a stain on the seat when he gets up.
Chris buckles him in and drapes the blanket over him. He didn’t even bother to
grab his coat when he left the party; his destination only a few meters away,
although he’s not sure how much of his shaking is due to the cold.
“It’s going to be ok Sawamura, we’ll help you through this,” Chris says before
leaning back out of the car. Before he can close the door Miyuki is there,
bending down, his pale face creased with worry.
“I’ll come as soon as I can, I promise, Eijun. I…” Miyuki looks like he wants
to lay a hand on Eijun but he doesn’t know where so he pulls it back and
swallows hard. “You’re my partner, ok? Don’t – don’t forget that.” And then
he’s gone, leaving Eijun to sniffle into the blanket as Kataoka and Takashima
get in the car.
And like that they’re on their way. He tries to steady his breaths and cling to
hope; the hope that Miyuki meant what he said. There’s something in the pit of
his stomach telling him that Miyuki will change his mind. No one will want to
be with him, not someone who’s been ruined like he has.
The city lights blur and hurt his eyes so Eijun closes them.
“Sawamura, don’t fall asleep,” Kataoka’s voice disturbs the silence of the car
and Eijun’s head throbs. “You might have a concussion.”    
Eijun forces his eyes open and finds Kataoka studying him in the rearview
mirror. His eyes return to the road and he reaches up, opening a compartment
and removing the contents without looking.
“Put these on,” he hands Eijun a pair of dark sunglasses.
They make the lights more bearable but don’t lessen the throbbing in his head.
He’s not sure what the source of it is, if he has a headache from a concussion
as Kataoka says or from something else. He reaches up and feels the spot that
had hair torn from it; it’s tender and he takes his hand away with a sharp
inhale.
“Are you alright, Sawamura-kun?” Takashima cranes her head to look at him from
the front seat.
Eijun’s lip quivers but he nods. Takashima’s eyes soften as she looks at him
and it makes him uncomfortable. He looks away and when she returns her gaze to
the front he wipes his fresh tears away.
Anxiety clenches at his chest as they pull up to the hospital.
Kataoka tells them to wait and returns quickly with a wheelchair. It
embarrasses Eijun but as soon as he stands on his own and tries to take a step
he knows it would be too painful to walk so he sits without protest, wincing at
the pain.
He focuses on breathing in and out, fighting the panic and shame making his
heart race. There aren’t many people in the waiting room and he’s grateful as
he looks around behind the dark lenses of Kataoka’s sunglasses.
Takashima and Kataoka talk quietly with someone at a desk and Eijun doesn’t
listen, doesn’t want to hear or see the look on the receptionist’s face. He
puts all his focus on breathing and not crying, his eyes sore and skin raw.
They don’t wait long for a nurse to come get them and Eijun is wheeled along
empty corridors, the sterile hospital smell so strong even through his stuffy
nose that it makes him nauseous again.
“Sawamura-kun,” Takashima says softly outside of the room. “They’re going to
examine you and…use a rape kit to gather evidence. It will take a couple of
hours do you want one of us to come with you?”
Eijun blinks at her behind the sunglasses, trying to process that information.
Examine. Evidence. Hours. He trembles with renewed fear and shakes his head no.
    
“Ok,” Takashima says and looks concerned. “If you change your mind we’ll be
here.” Kataoka nods, his arms crossed as the nurse wheels him into the room.
The nurse talks softly to him and explains that the police will want his
clothes as evidence. She asks if he needs help taking them off or if he would
prefer to do it himself. Eijun says numbly that he can do it and she nods
reassuringly, setting a hospital gown and bag on the bed and his change of
clothes on a chair.
Eijun stares at Miyuki’s shirt, his throat tight before turning away. He’s
never had a hard time removing his clothes before but his fingers tremble and
his heart hammers with fear as he takes off his shirt. He knows he’s safe, that
there’s a nurse on the other side of the privacy curtain, but he can’t stop
feeling afraid as he removes his shoes and socks and stuffs them in the bag
with his shirt.
His hands shake at the waistband of his sweatpants and he can’t stop the stream
of tears coming from his eyes as he pulls down his pants and boxers. His vision
swims and he smells it before he sees it staining his boxers, a mix of blood
and semen.
When he wakes up he’s on the hospital bed, dressed in the hospital gown,
surrounded by people in scrubs as they set up equipment.
“How do you feel Sawamura-kun?” The nurse who wheeled him into the room asks.
“You passed out for a couple of minutes.”
He feels dizzy and disoriented as he tries to piece what happened together. He
remembers he was taking off his clothes and putting them in the bag when…
“I’m going to throw up,” he says and is handed a sick bag by one of the nurses.
The original nurse, he can’t remember if she told him her name, helps him sit
up and rubs his back as he heaves into the bag. When he’s done she takes the
bag from him and disposes of it.
Eijun lays down feeling more exhausted. He looks at the faces around him and
sees one person has a camera. Dread stirs his stomach but it doesn’t have
anything else to expel.
“Sawamura-kun we’re going to complete the rape kit now, ok? I need you to scoot
to the bottom of the bed and put your feet here,” the nurse taps where she
wants his feet and he fights back tears because he’s going to be spread open
and exposed.
“We’re going to take some pictures and swabs and the doctor will examine you,
alright?” Eijun nods even though he knows he doesn’t have a choice if he’s not
alright with it. “I know this is scary,” she says when Eijun trembles, getting
himself in place, “but we’ll go as fast as we can. You’re a very brave boy
Sawamura-kun.”
Eijun stares at the ceiling, the sunglasses still on, and lets the tears slide
down the sides of his face. The pain is worse now, spread how he is and he
feels vulnerable and ashamed, all eyes on him as they begin to take pictures of
his genitals, hot lights illuminating his tortured flesh.
The nurse murmurs encouragements and praise as he takes gasping breaths. She
offers her gloved hand when it’s time for the swabs and he takes it, squeezing
tight when the pain hits him. His throat is too sore and tight to produce full
screams, what comes out is rasping whines punctuated by sobs at the new
violation.
When they’re done with his lower half the doctor examines the rest of him as
the other nurses leave, save for the one who had been there from the start. The
nurse covers his legs and crotch with a blanket as the doctor examines the
bruising on his stomach, his arms, and his face.
His throat is slightly swollen from having been choked and the bruising on the
right side of his face is going to be significant. His eyes and head hurt when
she removes the sunglasses to examine his eyes. She asks questions about how he
feels, as well as some about who he is and tells him he has a slight concussion
and they’ll need to wake him a few times through the night to check his
condition.
Eijun takes it all in numbly. He nods automatically when the doctor tells him
she will send a counselor to talk to him in the morning.
“You did a good job Sawamura-kun,” she says softly as she folds her clipboard.
“I’ll leave you in the care of Nurse Tanaka.”
Eijun tries to hold on to the name of the kind nurse as she helps him out of
bed and to the bathroom to be cleaned. She’s young and kind and Eijun doesn’t
have any more dignity so he lets her wash him and speak soft praise and ask
questions to distract him from the discomfort.
After he’s changed into hospital pajamas and exhausted himself with pain from
using the toilet she helps him back into his hospital bed, covering him with
blankets as he shivers.
Tanaka asks if she can let in his teachers to see him now and he says yes
through his sore throat.
He’s nodding off when Kataoka and Takashima enter his room, the lights dimmed
and the sunglasses folded on the bedside table.
“I talked to your parents, Sawamura-kun,” Takashima tells him and that’s enough
to bring panic back to him. “They’ll be here first thing in the morning.”
      
Eijun nods, full of apprehension at what his parents will say, how they’ll
react, how they’ll treat him now.
“Sawamura,” Kataoka says, “do you want visitors in the morning? Just because
they want to come doesn’t mean you have to see them if you’re not ready.”
Eijun tries to think that over in his sleepy mind.
“Kuramochi-kun keeps texting me, everyone is very worried about you but
Kataoka-kantoku is right, if you’re not ready to see them you don’t have to; I
think they’ll understand that this is all overwhelming.”
Eijun nods. Overwhelmed is a good way to describe how he feels; everything has
happened so fast.
He thinks of lying in the alley, all eyes on him as he was filled with shame
and fear and he trembles. He thinks of Chris’ steady hands and arms holding
him, of Kuramochi and Haruichi, of Miyuki.
Miyuki pale and worried, asking to come, calling Eijun partner even after he
saw him bruised, bloodied, and used on the ground.
“Miyuki,” Eijun struggles to say through the knot in his swollen throat. “I
want to see Miyuki.”  
Chapter End Notes
     I'm sorry I'm bad at pacing, but look at it this way, the suffering
     will be over faster because I can't draw anything out or let anything
     breathe OTL
***** Chapter 3 *****
Kazuya watches them pull away from the parking lot helplessly. He wants to be
in the car with Sawamura, to brush tears from his eyes and hold him tight while
he tries to process what just happened.
All he has is images. Sawamura lying on his stomach, heaving with sobs, his
naked skin pale in the dark alley. The sight and smell of the blood and come
coating his thighs.
Sawamura telling Kazuya not to look at him.
Kazuya’s stomach turns and he feels like throwing up. He swallows the urge
down.
“Miyuki,” Chris says softly, “we should go back.”
Kazuya turns soundlessly and starts back, Chris falling easily into step beside
him. He can feel Chris’ eyes on him as they walk in silence: evaluating. Kazuya
wonders what he sees.
His body moves him to the courtyard, most of his teammates already rounded up
and looking sheepish as Oota lectures them about their reckless behavior;
running around at night while a dangerous person might have still been on the
premises.
He hears the words, which are more ramblings of the club president as he tries
not to fall apart himself but he’s not really listening. He wishes Takashima
would have stayed instead, although Sawamura wouldn’t need Oota’s nervous
energy around him.
He wishes he was with Sawamura.
“I think they’ve been sufficiently reprimanded,” a voice from the side speaks
and Kazuya doesn’t think he’s ever been grateful to hear Ochiai before.
“Everyone wait in the dining hall until the police have cleared the campus. I’m
sure they’ll want to take statements from at least some of you,” Ochiai sounds
as cool as usual but there’s something in his eyes that makes Kazuya think he’s
not entirely unaffected.
His teammates begin to shuffle back into the dining hall, still bright and warm
from the party, his party that Sawamura planned for him. He doesn’t want to go
back in; the decorations he can see from the open door feel wrong, out of
place, like they’re mocking him with their cheery colors.   
“Captain,” Kazuya flinches, he didn’t hear Ochiai approach him but the
assistant coach doesn’t comment on it. “How are you holding up?”
My boyfriend was just raped outside of my birthday party and I wasn’t allowed
to go with him to the hospital how do you think I am? Kazuya thinks bitterly.
“I’m…shocked,” It’s true. “This all happened so fast, it doesn’t seem real.”
Ochiai studies him carefully, looking for signs of cracking, Kazuya guesses.
“This isn’t going to be easy,” Ochiai turns his critical eyes on the last of
the team entering the dining hall and Kazuya follows his gaze. He knows
Ochiai’s words are true.
We’re a team, he thinks. We can do this together.
“I suppose we’re lucky this happened in the off season. If it was the summer
the whole team might be useless.”
Kazuya turns back to him sharply, appalled at the insensitive words when he
realizes that Ochiai is right. If this had happened in the summer…could any of
them play a game tomorrow? Would Sawamura recover in time for his last summer
as a battery with Kazuya?
Will he recover now in time to play the sport they love, that brought them
together? Will he even want to after Kazuya failed to protect him?
The thought overwhelms him further, settling in his chest and making his heart
ache more. He shoves his hands in his pockets to hide their shaking.
“I’m sorry Captain; I know your battery with Sawamura is important to you. I’m
sure you’ll do all you can to help him recover. Just don’t forget your duty to
the rest of your team.”
Kazuya nods dismissively and mumbles an excuse to get himself away. Ochiai lets
him go without protest and the only place for Kazuya to go is a roomful of
people whose eyes follow him to a seat he chooses at random.
He glances around at his team. The room looks not unlike the day after their
loss to Inashiro.
Kazuya doesn’t know what everyone expects of him, what his “duty” as captain
entails when one of their own has been hurt like this; he doubts any previous
Seidou captain had to deal with this. He finds it hard to care at the moment.
He only wants to do his duty as Sawamura’s partner but he can’t.
He stares unseeing at the table in front of him and swallows around the lump in
his throat as he waits with the rest of his team in shocked silence.
 
===============================================================================
 
The voices outside are strangers for the most part, he heard the principal
arrive not long ago, and Kazuya assumes the police are here. He doesn’t know if
they arrived quickly or not, this whole situation is new, although he supposes
this is Seidou after all. If the police needed an incentive to work faster that
might be enough.
He can hear someone giving orders and people rushing to obey before the dining
hall door opens. Oota comes in, still looking like a nervous wreck, with an
officer, short and fat and with a severe mustache. He introduces himself as
officer Honda and tells them he’ll take statements to gather evidence. Kazuya
doesn’t know what evidence they can provide, the bulk of it seemed to be on his
boyfriend’s body, but he’ll do whatever he can to be helpful.
“I’ll start with whoever found the victim,” Honda says and Kazuya feels a flash
of irritation. He has a name, he thinks angrily. “Who was it?” Honda looks
around at the sea of distraught faces.
A chair scrapes as someone stands and Kazuya follows the noise with the rest of
his team to land on Furuya. His stomach drops further at the haunted look on
their ace’s face.
“Th-this way, Furuya,” Oota gestures and Furuya follows them to the kitchen for
his interview.
Kazuya doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to Furuya, or anyone for that
matter. He’s not even sure what he wants to hear himself.
He just wants to be wherever Sawamura is. He’d looked so scared and pained when
they’d found him. Every muffled whimper coming from the bundle in Chris’ arms
had felt like a stab to Kazuya’s heart. He’d just wanted to hold him and kiss
his face and tell him it was going to be alright, that he was safe now.
He tries to calm himself, to hold himself together when all he wants to do is
give in and cry. He looks up and catches sight of Kuramochi. His vice-captain
looks angry, tears falling from his eyes. Kazuya remembers Kuramochi’s last
words before Sawamura left the party; Kuramochi telling Sawamura to get him a
drink from the vending machine.
“Where is Bakamura?”Kuramochi had said after a while. “Leave it to that idiot
to get distracted during the simplest task. Hey, Furuya, wake up and get me a
Pocari Sweat. Don’t look at me like that, you may be the ace but I’m still your
senpai.”
Kazuya wonders if Kuramochi is thinking about his last words to Sawamura, what
he said when he didn’t come back. He thinks about his own last words to his
boyfriend.    
“Is that all you’ll blow me with?”
He tries his best not to shake, to breathe normally. He puts a hand over his
mouth to stop himself from being sick.
“Chris,” Oota calls from the kitchen door and Kazuya looks around again. Furuya
is returning to his seat, still looking shaken.
“Miyuki.” Chris’ soft voice comes from next to him. Kazuya hadn’t even realized
who he was sitting next to. “You should come with me, you weren’t far behind.”
Kazuya nods numbly and follows Chris to the kitchen, his body feeling heavy and
sluggish, his side aching dully from the tension in his body.
Officer Honda accepts that they’ll give a joint statement, “saves time,” he
says and Kazuya listens to Chris recount what happened. How he was the last of
the third years to leave for the party, how he saw the present he knew Sawamura
had bought for Kazuya on the ground and became concerned.
Kazuya remembers Chris coming into the dining hall holding a present, asking
the closest person if they’d seen Sawamura. Furuya bursting into the room,
wild-eyed and breathing heavily.
“Where is he?” Chris had asked and Kazuya had been confused.
“Vending machines.”Furuya had panted and Chris had taken off, tossing the
present on a table.
Dread had filled him and he’d chased after Chris, the rest of the team quickly
snapping out of their surprise at Furuya’s appearance and following him, their
hearts racing as one with alarm.
He listens to Chris recount finding Sawamura, the position he’d been in. Kazuya
fights the image rising up again in his mind. Chris tells the officer how he’d
sent Shirasu to the coaches, and Sawamura’s roommate to get clothes he knew he
would need after the hospital and a blanket for the cold and shaking boy. How
he and Kazuya had pulled Sawamura’s pants up, what they had seen there.
Officer Honda praises Chris’ thinking and asks him to point out where he found
the present for the officers outside and Chris agrees.
Kazuya wonders numbly what he would have done if he had been in charge of the
situation. He’d been completely frozen with shock, unable to move until Chris
asked him to help. He feels ashamed. He could have done more. He could have –
“Is there anything you want to add,” the officer looks at his notepad, “Miyuki-
kun?”
Kazuya shakes his head, his throat tight.
The officer dismisses them, tells Oota to start bringing more in as groups to
go faster and reminds Chris to show someone where he found the discarded
present. Kazuya turns to follow Chris out of the kitchen but he pauses, his
heart beating wildly as he turns back to the mustachioed officer.  
“What happens now?” Kazuya asks, his voice sounding tight. He clears his
throat. “Do you…what are the odds of catching…” He looks helplessly at the
officer who looks up from his notepad.
“It’s hard to say,” Honda tells him levelly. “It sounds like there’s plenty of
physical evidence so if the rapist is in our system we’ll know who he is.”
Kazuya’s heart thuds. It’s the first time someone has said the word aloud. “If
he’s not then it comes down to how much your teammate saw and can remember of
what the rapist looks like, what kind of lead we’ll have.”
Kazuya nods and follows Chris out of the kitchen. He watches as Chris takes the
present, the wrapping paper crumpled and ripped slightly now that Kazuya looks
at it closer, and exits the dining hall. He thinks about following Chris but he
doesn’t want to face Ochiai again, or the principal.
He sits and thinks about what the officer said. It makes him think about the
person who hurt Sawamura; walking around somewhere in Tokyo right now while
Sawamura is suffering at the hospital. It makes him angry for the first time,
the thought that that monster might get away with what he did.
He wishes the team had found the bastard although rationally he knows that it
might have been dangerous, knows that the night would be very different if they
had found him. There’s no question in his mind that if the rapist had been
found some of his teammates might have thrown away their future, might be
exchanging their baseball uniforms for a prison uniforms. He wonders if he
would have taken justice into his own hands if he’d found the man who raped his
partner. He might have. The next time he saw Sawamura might have had bars
between them. He shakes off the thought, his anger turning back into despair.  
The room is less quiet now, or one corner of it is. Ono and Haruichi are
speaking softly to Furuya and Kazuya feels grateful that for now he can just
sit and focus on his own misery, that their team has compassionate people on
it. It will give him more time with Sawamura, will give Sawamura more support.
He tries to take comfort from that, to feel the sense of comradery in the room
but it does little to dull his worry or the ache in his chest.
It doesn’t take long for officer Honda to interview everyone. They were all in
the same place, heard nothing, saw the same thing when they found Sawamura.
Kazuya is relieved that they’re done. He just wants to go back to his room, to
get the rest of this night over with as soon as possible so he can see
Sawamura.
Officer Honda thanks them all for their cooperation and tells them to stay
where they are until he checks that their rooms have been cleared as safe.
There’s a stirring among the team but Kazuya isn’t surprised. They need to
check that the rapist left, isn’t hiding out in one of their rooms or somewhere
else on campus.
When Honda gives them the all clear Kazuya stands with the rest of the team
automatically.
“Miyuki, what should we do with…” Kawakami asks him, gesturing to the table
with presents on it. Kazuya doesn’t want to open presents, doesn’t want to even
look at them, the garishly bright reminder of his birthday all around him.
“I’ll open them later,” he has to cough to clear his throat again.
“Don’t worry about it Miyuki,” Maezono says clearly. “We’ll clean everything
up.”
Kazuya feels like he should object, tell them all to go back to their rooms but
the thought of walking into the decorated room in the morning fills him with
bitterness.
“I can help,” he says against all his desires. He should really stay with them,
despite his yearning to flee.
“We’ve got this Miyuki,” their former captain assures them. “The second and
first years can go back to their rooms, we’ll clean.”
He opens his mouth to object when Isashiki interrupts him, “We mean it, beat
it. You guys will need your strength. Go rest.”
Kazuya wants to scoff, the third years have college prep and exams and now this
hanging over their heads too but all he can feel is grateful to their senpai.
“Thank you,” he says sincerely and bows. He hears the rest of the second and
first years follow his example, a chorus of bowed ‘thank you’s bouncing around
the room.
“It’s the least we could do,” Tanba says. Masuko agrees with him quietly.
The rest of the second and first years begin to move to the exit but Kazuya
catches Kuramochi’s eye from where they’re both still standing. He’s not crying
anymore but he looks pained. Kazuya doesn’t blame him, having to go back to his
dorm room without Sawamura in it.
“Kuramochi,” Kazuya calls the shortstop over. “Help me carry these.”
Kuramochi nods and wordlessly helps Kazuya gather his birthday presents. The
brightly wrapped packages make Kazuya’s throat burn and his stomach turn.
He wonders if all his birthdays will taste like this now.
When they enter the courtyard there are officers milling about talking to
Ochiai and the principal. Chris is still talking to one of the officers with a
camera, still holding the present Sawamura had gotten Kazuya. He doesn’t want
to look at it. If Sawamura hadn’t left to get it. If Kazuya had stopped him…
The climb to the upper floor feels long, his legs leaden and attached to clumsy
feet. He almost drops his keys getting into his room. He deposits the presents
on his desk, moving out of the way to let Kuramochi do the same.
“Can we go to your room?” Kazuya asks Kuramochi abruptly, before he’s really
thought about how to verbalize his desire.
Kuramochi blinks at him. “You think I want to go there after…without…” His
voice waivers and he scowls at the carpet, his hands shoved in his pockets.
“Please,” Kazuya manages around the lump in his throat, “it’s the closest I can
get to him right now.”
Kuramochi looks at him with surprise before mumbling his assent.
Kazuya follows Kuramochi back down the stairs, hand skimming the cold railing
in case he trips. Kuramochi walks slowly and Kazuya feels a little guilty for
making him go back to his room, especially when he sees how badly his hands
shake as he unlocks the door.
As soon as Kazuya is in the room he slips off his shoes and heads straight for
Sawamura’s bed, sitting on it, running his hand over the familiar blanket. It’s
not particularly soft or nice but it belongs to Sawamura so Kazuya cherishes
it, has always felt a thrill when they’re on Sawamura’s bed, Sawamura’s space
where he exists without Kazuya.
He picks up Sawamura’s pillow and buries his face in it, inhaling the
comforting scent. There’s a soft knock on the door and Kazuya takes his face
away. Unwilling to put it down he wraps his arms around it, holding it to his
chest.
Chris is at the door, still holding the present. Kazuya averts his gaze from
it, his throat tightening again.
“Can I come in?” Chris asks and Kuramochi steps aside for him. Chris lies the
present on Sawamura’s desk.
Kazuya wonders if Sawamura will even want to see it when he gets back.
“He put a lot of thought into this. I didn’t want it to get taken as evidence,”
Chris says quietly. He turns his gaze on Kazuya. He looks tired. “I know it may
not seem possible now but, there will be a time when you’ll want it.”
Kazuya hopes Chris is right. He can’t see that time right now though.
“If I’d stopped him from going to get it none of this would have happened,”
Kazuya voices the thought he’d had all night, feeling the full weight of his
guilt now that the crinkled and abused gift is sitting across from him.
“I shouldn’t have told him to get me a drink,” Kuramochi rasps, sliding against
the wall to a sitting position. “I should have looked for him when he didn’t
come back. I shouldn’t have said…” he hides his face in his knees.
“It’s not your fault,” Kazuya says, despising the wavering of his own voice.
“It’s not your fault either, Miyuki,” Chris says gently and Kazuya’s breath
catches in his throat. His eyes sting and he rubs them irritably with the back
of his hand under his glasses. “Neither of you could have known what would
happen.”
“But I…I couldn’t protect him. I could have…” Kazuya feels his defenses
cracking and he tries desperately to hold onto them. “You didn’t even let me
carry him,” he snaps at Chris and immediately feels regretful for being so
irrational.
“I’m sorry,” Chris says carefully and Kazuya fights the trembling of his body,
clutches the pillow tighter. “The look on your face was – I thought we’d be
carrying you out of the alley as well.”
That fills Kazuya with self-loathing. Chris thought he was too weak to carry
Sawamura and he may well have been right. What did Kazuya do anyway? Nothing.
He failed to protect his partner, failed to provide comfort, failed to be
strong for him.
He buries his face in the pillow again. He doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t
deserve to be sitting on Sawamura’s bed, where Sawamura would be sitting if
Kazuya hadn’t failed him. He doesn’t deserve Sawamura.
He can’t help the small noise of distress that escapes his mouth as he heaves a
breath against the pillow. The bed sags and he feels Chris lay a tentative hand
on his back.   
“It’s ok, Miyuki. It’s not your fault.” Chris repeats and rubs his back as he
tries to suppress his tears.
His stomach and side hurts from the tension and the barely contained sobs
racking his body. The bed sags on his other side as Kuramochi throws himself
against Kazuya, knocking the wind out of him as his vice-captain wraps his arms
around Kazuya. Kazuya frees one of his arms and wraps it around the silently
shaking boy in return.  
He feels the warmth pressing in on him from all sides and his heart hurts
because he doesn’t need this, doesn’t deserve this; it should be Sawamura
surrounded by warmth and comfort.
“It’s no one’s fault,” Chris says still rubbing soothing circles into Kazuya’s
back. “We can’t change what happened. All we can do is give Sawamura all the
support we can when he returns.”
Kazuya nods into the pillow, feels Kuramochi nod against his shoulder. His
breath gradually steadies but the weight in his chest and stomach remains. He
can feel Kuramochi’s arms begin to go lax until they’re no longer around
Kazuya. Kuramochi remains though, slumped against him. Kazuya wishes he could
make fun of him, provoke him for the sake of normalcy but he can’t.
He wonders how long it will take for anyone to feel normal again. If Sawamura
will ever be normal again.
“How long have you and Sawamura…” Chris interrupts his thoughts and Kazuya
tenses, his fingers reflexively squeezing Sawamura’s pillow, “or are you not?”
 
His mouth opens to deny the implication but he can’t deny it, can’t deny
Sawamura so he closes it and takes his hot face away from the security of the
pillow. His mind races as he studies Chris’ neutral face. He doesn’t remember
Sawamura telling him that he told Chris. As far as Kazuya knows Kuramochi is
the only one who knows about their relationship.
Kuramochi punches him in the arm and he winces.
“About a month,” Kazuya admits before glaring at Kuramochi. “What was that
for?”
“In case you were thinking of denying it,” Kuramochi says and Kazuya is
surprised at the amount of anger there. “You better not break his heart over
this Miyuki or I swear – ”
Kazuya makes a noise of disgust. “Of course I won’t, what kind of asshole do
you think I am?”
Kuramochi doesn’t answer and they stare at each other for a moment, tension
thick in the air before Kuramochi looks away and rubs his face.
“Sorry,” Kuramochi grumbles. “I just don’t want to see him get hurt worse.”
“I don’t want that either,” Kazuya says, most of the hurt softening in his gut.
Kuramochi is just worried about Sawamura; he can’t fault him for that.
“Have the two of you uh…” Kazuya turns back to Chris in surprise. Chris is
blushing fiercely and studying the fabric of Sawamura’s blanket like it’s the
most interesting thing in the world.
Kazuya fights the urge to hide his blushing face in the pillow childishly.
“Not uh…that no. Other stuff but not…” he wonders if Kuramochi is going to hit
him again. He doesn’t.
“So this was his first then.”
“Yeah.” Kazuya admits. He’d been trying not to think about that fact. That
Sawamura’s first time was full of pain and fear with a stranger instead of as
it should have been, with Kazuya. With soft kisses and playful teasing and
passion that only Sawamura elicits from him.
“I…I’m sure I don’t have to tell you to be patient with him.” Chris says, still
blushing furiously.
“Of course, I know.” Kazuya doesn’t tell them that he’s pretty sure that
tonight was supposed to be their first time. Sawamura had hinted at it. He
tries not to think about what it would have been like to be ending his birthday
naked in his bed with Sawamura.
“I’m going to try to sleep,” Chris says after a moment of silence and stands.
“I suggest the two of you try too.”
They promise they will and wish Chris a somber good night.
Kazuya and Kuramochi get ready for bed on autopilot, no one speaking when they
run into teammates in the bathroom. It suits Kazuya’s fine. He’s exhausted and
doesn’t know what to say to anyone still.
He doesn’t ask to sleep in Sawamura’s bed, doesn’t need to, Kuramochi clearly
expected him to come back to room 5 with him.
In the dark in Sawamura’s bunk his partner’s presence is both strongest and
more acutely absent. Kazuya smells him but doesn’t feel him. The other side of
the bed is icy cold where it should be warm. He nuzzles his face against
Sawamura’s tear streaked pillow and wonders how many tears this pillow has
already known, how many more it will know when Sawamura’s head rests on it
again.
Tomorrow, Kazuya tells himself, trying to hold on to the only comforting
thought he has. He’ll see Sawamura tomorrow morning; and every morning after
that. 
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     I reference some manga things that haven't happened in the show yet
     in this chapter. You can read about Chris'_card_here and Miyuki's
     conversation_with_Rei_here.
Kazuya hardly sleeps and from the sound of tossing and turning and grumbling
from the bunk above him Kuramochi doesn’t sleep much either. He doesn’t ask
Kuramochi what he’s thinking about; he’s certain the same vivid images are
plaguing the shortstop’s mind too.
He must have dozed some in the early morning though because when he decides to
get up Kuramochi is already gone.   
There is no formal morning practice but everyone is awake. Most of the team is
out on the grounds despite the cold, misty air; the swish of swinging bats the
only sound to break the silence. Some of them look like they’ve been at it
since before the sun rose. Kazuya doesn’t blame them.
“Don’t mindlessly overwork yourselves!” His voice rings out in the still air
louder than necessary. It makes him miss Sawamura. “Break for breakfast.”
His teammates shuffle passed him tiredly, hollow eyed and heavy footed. He
follows them, not feeling hungry at all. Kazuya forces himself to eat, telling
himself he’ll need it for energy even as his stomach protests. He doubts anyone
will be eating three bowls of rice today.
All the team is there, Kazuya can feel their glances at him as he eats
mechanically. He wonders if they expect him to say something, to make a speech;
or maybe they’re looking for signs of cracking like Ochiai was.
He feels mildly ashamed for breaking down in front of Kuramochi and Chris like
he did, especially for snapping at Chris so childishly. He probably owes the
former catcher an apology but it can wait, he thinks as Takashima walks through
the door and scans the room.
His heart pounds with nervous energy when she walks over to him.
“Miyuki-kun,” she says quietly, “Sawamura-kun will probably still be busy with
doctors and his family this morning but if you’d like to wait at the hospital
we can.” Takashima cuts straight to what she knows he wants to hear and Kazuya
is grateful that she knows him well enough to skip the meaningless morning
pleasantries.
“Yes,” he says quickly, gathering his tray of partially eaten food. He sees her
lips tighten but the reprimand doesn’t come so he disposes of his tray and
makes to follow her out of the room.
“Miyuki-senpai,” Haruichi’s voice stops him. “Take this with you please. We
made it this morning,” he hands Kazuya a card. “Ah, sorry you didn’t get a
chance to sign it yet.”
Kazuya looks at the card full of encouragement and well wishes from the team.
Was it just yesterday he visited Chris at his rehabilitation? It feels much
farther away but it’s been less than 24 hours since Chris shared his own card
that helped him persevere through his recovery. He wonders if Chris had
anything to do with this. The small smile Chris gives him makes him think yes.
“Thank you very much,” Kazuya says to the room, bowing deeply.
He hopes his face is composed when he straightens up and follows Takashima out
of the dining hall. He’s surprised but relieved that no one asks to come with.
Maybe that was another kindness from Chris; preparing the team to not see
Sawamura but giving them an outlet to show they’re thinking of him with the
card. It suits him fine; he wants to see Sawamura alone.
Takashima is quiet on the car ride to the hospital. Kazuya stares out the
window at the grey Tokyo morning. Yesterday she had told him he should try
expressing himself more; try not to shoulder everything alone. He couldn’t help
but blush at the time, thinking about how he was trying, trying with Sawamura
but learning to lean on someone is hard, it doesn’t come naturally to him. He
doesn’t know what Sawamura will need from him, only that he wants to be there
for Sawamura to lean on and maybe Kazuya can learn to lean a bit too.     
The trip is mercifully short. Kazuya follows Takashima into the looming
building after she pays the cab driver. His hand feels shaky as he signs his
name on the line that names him visitor.
He follows behind the click of Takashima’s heels on the white hospital floor,
his stomach twisting into knots. He focuses on keeping his breathing steady
when she stops in front of one of the rooms.
“I’ll give you some time alone with him as well but I’d like to talk with him
too,” she says.
Kazuya nods and some of his nervousness must show on his face because she looks
at him questioningly.
“Does he know I’m coming to visit him?” Does he even want to see me?
She looks at him with surprise that softens into something else that makes him
uncomfortable, like she can see right through him.
“He asked to see you last night,” she says softly. “Only you, Miyuki-kun.”
Kazuya feels his cheeks heat up as his heart speeds in his chest. He feels
tingly with anticipation. He looks away from her knowing smile and gestures to
the door, after you.
Takashima knocks softly and opens the door at the soft ‘come in’ on the other
side. The voice doesn’t sound familiar to Kazuya.
The room is dimly lit. Sawamura is propped up in the hospital bed, eyes wide
and puffy as he stares at Kazuya. His face is pale except for the bruise on his
cheek. Kazuya’s heart aches at the fearful look on Sawamura’s exhausted face.
He’s not alone, there’s a woman with short brown hair and large man with a
ridiculous haircut that reminds him of Umemiya Seiichi from Ugumori High.
Sawamura clearly inherited his mother’s eye shape but his father’s coloring.
It’s strange to Kazuya to be looking at two strangers who look so familiar.
It’s clear that the three Sawamura’s have all been crying.   
“Sorry for intruding, we can come back later if you’d like,” Takashima says
politely as she bows. Kazuya bows automatically with her, his mind working
double time. He hadn’t put any thought into meeting Sawamura’s parents, at
least not like this.
“It’s ok Takashima-san, we seem to be having some trouble talking some sense
into our son, maybe you can help,” Sawamura’s mother sniffles.
Takashima opens her mouth, confusion creasing her brow but before she can
respond Sawamura’s mother cuts her off. “He refuses to come home with us.”
Kazuya’s heart thuds painfully as he stands forgotten near the door. He locks
eyes with Sawamura as he fights down the panic rising in his chest. Sawamura
looks as distressed as Kazuya feels.
“He should come home. He needs to rest and recover,” Sawamura’s mother babbles
through a fresh wave of tears. “He needs to be safe away from the city.
Something like this would never happen in Nagano. There are no such people in
the country. He should transfer to a safer school closer to home. I just want…”
she breaks into sobs and Sawamura’s father wraps an arm around her.
Kazuya’s head spins. He has to come back, he thinks, his heartbeat in his
throat. I can’t lose him like this, not now. Sawamura looks away. Kazuya wants
him to look back, to assure him that he’s going to return to Seidou.  
“It’s not as simple as that,” Sawamura’s father says calmly. “Eijun has school
here, friends, a team and a dream he’s following. He can’t just give that up.”
She cries into Sawamura’s father’s chest, shaking her head.
Sawamura grips the hospital blanket tight in his fists and stares at his lap.
He’s trembling slightly, fighting tears and Kazuya wants nothing more than to
hold his shaking boyfriend.
“What does Sawamura-kun want?” Takashima asks.
Sawamura looks pained. “I want to go back to Seidou.” His voice is low and
raspy and Kazuya clenches his fist, staring at the bruises on his neck and
feeling sick and angry. “Exams are coming up and…and winter training camp next
month.”
A weight lifts from Kazuya’s stomach. Sawamura wants to come back, he wants to
keep playing baseball; Kazuya won’t lose him.
“But Eijun,” his mother’s voice comes out muffled, “I can’t take care of you if
you don’t come home.”
“It’s…it’s ok mom. I’ll be ok,” Sawamura says but there’s not much conviction
in his voice.
“Sawamura-kun is well liked among his team,” Takashima assures them. “He’ll
have plenty of care. Everyone is worried about him and wishes him a speedy
recovery,” she looks at Miyuki and he swallows, knowing his time of being
unnoticed is at an end. “This is our captain and main catcher Miyuki Kazuya. He
has something from the team.”
Sawamura’s parents look at him, a bit surprised to notice him lingering by the
door. He bows and sounds much calmer than he feels when he says a friendly
“it’s an honor to meet you.” They give him a courteous bow in return.
“We’ve heard about you Miyuki-kun,” Sawamura’s father says and Kazuya
hesitates, eyes flashing to Sawamura, wondering if they know the nature of his
relationship with their son.
“Yes,” Sawamura’s mother says, wiping her eyes, “thank you for taking care of
Eijun, we know he can be a handful sometime.”
“Ah, it’s no problem,” he says, “it’s been my pleasure.” He immediately regrets
that choice of words but Sawamura’s parents don’t seem to take notice of the
heat on his face. “Sawamura-kun has improved a lot since he came to Seidou.
He’s become a very important player on the team.” He sees the way Sawamura’s
eyes widen; it contrasts with the way his body shakes. Kazuya frowns.
“Eijun,” Sawamura’s father notices the way his son is shaking, he sounds
alarmed. “Are you ok? Are you cold?”
“I’m fine,” Sawamura says through gritted teeth. He wraps his arms around
himself and avoids eye contact with Kazuya as he approaches the hospital bed
cautiously.
As Kazuya steps closer the dark lines under Sawamura’s eyes are more
noticeable. The swelling of his throat is more pronounced, the hand-shaped
bruising more distinct. Kazuya’s hands tremble slightly as he hands the card
over. Sawamura’s hands shake worse as he takes it, reluctantly unwrapping his
arms from his body, careful not to touch Kazuya’s hands.
“Thank you, Miyuki-senpai,” Sawamura says softly, swallowing and wincing.
Kazuya wonders if it hurts to talk, how much talking he’s had to do, if he
still feels the hand around his throat. He shoves his hands in his pockets and
stands awkwardly across from Sawamura’s parents as Sawamura runs his shaky
fingers over the card.
Kazuya hadn’t read the card on the way to the hospital, just gave it a quick
glance in the dining hall. He’d forgotten to sign it when he had a pen in his
hand as he signed in as a visitor. He doesn’t know what he would write on it
anyway.
Sawamura takes his time reading it, tears escaping his tired eyes and Kazuya
fights the urge to touch him, to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder or his
head. The significance of the touch would probably go unnoticed in the room but
the way Sawamura flinched away from him last night still stings in his memory.
 
The room is silent except for Sawamura’s sniffling. When he’s done with the
card he sets it on his lap and leans back, resting his head on the pillows and
closing his eyes. He looks so tired Kazuya wonders if he slept at all last
night. Kazuya’s own dreams were disrupted with images from hours before; he
can’t imagine how much worse it must have been for Sawamura.  
“I’ve talked to Sawamura-kun’s teachers and informed them he’ll be absent for
at least a week,” Takashima interrupts the silence and Sawamura’s eyes snap
open, staring fearfully at her as he visibly tenses. “They’ve been told
Sawamura-kun is ill and unable to attend classes.” Sawamura relaxes a bit.
“Sawamura-kun’s health and safety are very important to us, Kataoka-kantoku or
I will bring him to any appointments he needs.”
“Thank you, we appreciate that,” Sawamura’s father says. “Eijun will be in good
hands.”
Sawamura’s mother nods before bursting into tears again. Sawamura turns his
head to look at her.
“Mom…” he chokes out before he starts to cry harder.
Kazuya feels helpless and out of place, unable to comfort Sawamura despite
standing next to him.
“Come on dear,” Sawamura’s father says, wiping his eyes. “You’re upsetting
Eijun. Let’s take a little walk.”
“I’ll go with you, if you don’t mind,” Takashima says and Kazuya holds his
breath until they consent.
Sawamura’s parents promise tearfully to be back soon and follow Takashima out
of the room, saying something about a good cup of coffee. Kazuya also feels in
need of some caffeine but there’s no way he’s missing his chance to see
Sawamura alone.
The door closes with a click and they’re alone. Sawamura still has his face
turned away from Kazuya. The bruise on his cheek is turned upwards. It looks
swollen too. He thinks of Sawamura’s other wounds from last night and his
stomach twists. He must be in a lot of pain.
“Eijun,” he exhales the name he’s been holding. “I’m sorry.” His hands ball
into fists in his pockets. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have let you go last
night. If I hadn’t…”
Sawamura turns to look at him, wincing when his bruise brushes the pillow.
“No,” he whispers, his voice hoarse. “It’s my fault Kazuya. I’m so sorry. I
couldn’t…he was too strong. And he said…” his breath hitches and his chest
heaves for a moment until he lets out a sob, shutting his eyes tight. “I’m
sorry,” he manages through his tears. “I’m sorry. I…”
“Eijun,” Kazuya’s voice waivers and he feels sick. “Don’t apologize. It’s not
your fault. You can’t…you can’t apologize for…” he can’t bring himself to say
it; ‘you can’t apologize for being raped.’ “It’s not your fault,” he repeats,
trying to hold himself together, trying to stay strong for his partner.
“I shouldn’t have stopped to talk to him,” Sawamura goes on and Kazuya wonders
if he was listening to what Kazuya said. “I should have gone straight back to
the party. I should have been faster, stronger. I shouldn’t have been so
stupid.”  
“Eijun…” Kazuya watches powerlessly as his boyfriend cries, body trembling and
pale against the white hospital bedding. He pulls his hand out of his pocket
and is halfway to Sawamura’s face before Sawamura’s eyes open and fix fearfully
on his hand. Kazuya pauses, his heart twisting painfully. “Can I touch you?”
Sawamura shakes his head, before turning away from Kazuya and covering his
face. Kazuya knows Sawamura can’t see him but he tries not to let the hurt show
on his face; it makes him feel in control of something.
“Don’t” Sawamura’s voice is muffled by his hands. “You shouldn’t touch me. I’m
dirty, Kazuya. You shouldn’t…you shouldn’t touch me anymore. I might…I might
have…some disease or something,” he chokes out and his body quakes.
Kazuya’s stomach drops. He hadn’t thought of that, but of course that was a
risk Sawamura was facing. It was clear from last night that the stranger hadn’t
used a condom. Even still…
“Even if you have an STD, that doesn’t change my feelings,” he says, still
wanting to touch him. “I still want to be with you Eijun. It’s…” he swallows
and tries to keep his voice steady for what he’s about to admit. “It’s really
hard not touching you. I’ve wanted to hold you since last night.”
Sawamura’s breath hitches. “But I’m dirty,” he repeats.
“You’re not dirty, Eijun.” Kazuya assures him softly. “It’s not your fault and
you’re not dirty.”
“Kazuya,” Sawamura sobs his name into his hands.
“I’m here, Eijun and I’m not going anywhere,” he inches closer to the bed,
pressing his legs against it but not touching Sawamura. “You’re safe now.”
Sawamura whimpers and takes his hands away from his face. He wipes at the tears
and snot on his face with the sleeve of his hospital gown before fixing his
golden eyes on Kazuya. Bloodshot and bagged, they still hold some shine.
They’re not dulled like Kazuya feared they would be; they still take his breath
away.
Sawamura tentatively opens his arms, reaching for Kazuya. Kazuya moves in,
wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and feeling some relief. He’s stiffer
than normal, not the usual malleable warmth against Kazuya’s body but he’s
still Sawamura, he still makes Kazuya’s heart hammer and his stomach flutter.
“It’s going to be ok,” Kazuya breaths into the crook of Sawamura’s neck and
he’s not sure if he’s talking to Sawamura or himself.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Sawamura says against him shakily. “It hurts so bad Kazuya
and I was afraid. I kept thinking I was back in the alley and he was still
there…”
Kazuya tightens his hold on Sawamura and cups the back of his head, running his
hand through his soft brown hair.
“I don’t know how I’ll face everyone. They all know. They saw,” Sawamura clings
to him and sobs.
“It’s ok Eijun,” Kazuya rubs his shaking back. “No one’s going to look down on
you for this. They’re just worried about you.” Kazuya knows that with certainty
but he understands that it’s not going to be that easy to make Sawamura
believe.
“I didn’t want anyone to see. When Furuya found me I tried to crawl away but it
hurt too much. It…it was Furuya right? It’s a little fuzzy.”
“Yeah.” Kazuya thinks of how scared and ashamed he must have been and wants to
squeeze him tighter but he doesn’t want to hurt either of them.
“Di-did you see what he wrote on the card?”
“No,” Kazuya says and pulls away enough to look at the card still on Sawamura’s
lap. He scans through the sea of ‘stay strong’ and ‘get better soon’ and ‘we’ll
be waiting for you’s until he finds their ace’s handwriting:
 
     I won’t let anyone touch your tire until you return.
 
Kazuya can’t help laughing and Sawamura chuckles a little too. It turns into a
cough and Kazuya rubs his back as he embraces Sawamura again.
“That’s a strong sentiment from your rival, he must really want you to recover
worry-free,” he teases but he knows it’s true. “Everyone wants you to come
back,” he adds more seriously. “Especially me.”
“Yeah,” Sawamura says quietly. “I want that too. I want…I want to come back.”
There’s something in his tone that Kazuya doesn’t understand and he wants to
ask about it.
“Kazuya?”
“Hm?”
“Talking really hurts…”
“You don’t have to talk,” Kazuya tells him and pulls away to look at his face.
He looks haggard. “You should try to sleep some. I wish I could hold you but
your parents would think I was a weird senpai if they caught me cuddling you.
But I’ll still be here.” He kisses Sawamura’s forehead and pulls away. He pulls
one of the chairs over to the bedside and sits.
Sawamura looks at him gratefully. He reaches his hand and Kazuya takes it.
Handholding is fine; it’s easy to slip away from.
“Kazuya,” Sawamura whispers.
“Don’t strain yourself,” Kazuya warns him gently, stroking the back of his
hand.
Sawamura looks at him with annoyance and Kazuya feels a thrill at the normalcy
of it.
“Do you think when my mom said…” his forehead creases as he tries to think.
“’There aren’t such people in Nagano’ do you think she meant…gay people?”
“I don’t know,” Kazuya says honestly. The possibility had occurred to him but
he was willing to give her the benefit of a doubt given the circumstances.
“Maybe.”
“What if she thinks I…I turned gay after this? What if she won’t love me
anymore?” Tears spill over his tired face again and Kazuya leans in and brushes
them away with his free hand.
“I don’t know, Eijun. I don’t know her well enough to say but she seems to
really love you. I think her love will be harder to shake than that.”
Sawamura nods. “Yeah, probably,” he yawns and Kazuya fights the urge to yawn
with him. “Besides, if it’s Miyuki Kazuya I bring home they might understand.”
“In that case I better start trying to win them over now,” Kazuya teases as his
boyfriends tired eyes close.
Sawamura hums thoughtfully. “You better not say anything then, you don’t want
them to know you have such a nasty personality, senpai.”
“Stop talking and go to sleep,” he squeezes Sawamura’s hand and doesn’t fight
the smile on his face. They’re going to be alright.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Eijun wakes slowly, unsure of where he is. His eyelids feel heavy and sticky
with sleep. There are people in the room talking softly. He tries to listen but
his mind is still foggy with sleep.
“How long has your father been in the steel business, Miyuki-kun?”
Dad? Kazuya? Miyuki-san.
“Hello, this is Miyuki steel how can I help you?”
“Hello, hi, nice to meet you, not that I’m meeting you,”he’d said in a rush,
bowing to the empty room. “This is Sawamura Eijun, I’m uh, on the baseball team
at Seidou and well, it’s almost Miyuki Kazuya’s birthday and I was hoping you
could help me with something…”
Sitting seiza in his dorm room, his phone clutched to his ear and his heart
pounding with nervousness, but that feels like a lifetime ago.
He listens to the voices; they definitely belong to his father and Miyuki, and
then there’s his mother and Takashima. Eijun can’t recall why they would all be
together in his groggy mind. He feels too exhausted to think. He hadn’t slept
well last night, waking frequently from nightmares...
The alley. Darkness and pain and fear.
He remembers.
Waking throughout the night with screams stuck in his swollen throat. The
counselor coming and talking to him, a police officer with a mustache writing
down everything he recalled.  
“You’re doing a good job, Sawamura-kun,”the kind-faced counselor had said.
“This will help the police find him.”
Eijun doesn’t know if that will make him feel better; right now he can’t
imagine anything short of going back in time and stopping himself from leaving
the party to get Miyuki’s present. Although the man might have just waited,
found some other way to get to him…
He whimpers, fear gripping his racing heart.
“Eijun,” his mother sounds alarmed somewhere to his right. “Are you ok? Do you
need something? Should we call a nurse?”
He shakes his head slowly, unsurprised to find himself in a hospital bed when
he pries his eyes open. His parents worried faces to the right, Miyuki and
Takashima to his left.
Eijun rubs the sleep out of his eyes and winces as he grazes his bruised cheek.
Everything hurts as he shifts himself into sitting more upright. The pain from
being kicked in the stomach is dulled, a light bruise hidden under his hospital
gown. He’d tried not to look at it as he bathed last night; he’d tried not to
look at any of his body, it made everything seem much more real. He doesn’t
want it to be real but the pain in his head and between his legs is a constant
reminder.
His throat feels tight and dry and he looks around for something to drink. A
water bottle appears in front of him and he meets Miyuki’s amber eyes, tender
behind his glasses and his throat tightens further. He takes the water
gratefully, brushing Miyuki’s warm fingers in the exchange, an unspoken ‘thank
you.’
It hurts to swallow but he forces himself to drink. He’d done a lot of talking
that morning about things he didn’t even want to talk about and he could feel
the toll it was taking on his body and mind. Nurse Tanaka had stopped by before
her shift ended to check on him, wiping sweat from his forehead and telling him
he was brave, that he would get better but he needed to rest and relax.
Eijun is used to relaxing from tense situations on the mound but this is
different. He can’t just breathe deeply and put all his concentration in his
fingertips. Maybe if he had a ball in his hand but…
His hand trembles and he spills some of the water on himself, cold dripping
down his chin and neck and chest. His hand doesn’t stop shaking as he hands the
bottle back to a frowning Miyuki. He presses his hand to his chest, feeling the
pounding of his heart as he tries to soak up the wetness with his hospital
gown.
“Is there something we can do Sawamura-kun?” Takashima asks and he shakes his
head, trying to keep his breathing normal under everyone’s attentive gazes.
He’s saved by a knock on the door, drawing everyone’s attention away from him.
Or almost everyone’s. He feels a soft touch on his arm, Miyuki gives him a
gentle squeeze before pulling away and Eijun breaths a little easier when the
nurse enters with his lunch.
He hadn’t eaten much of the rice porridge for breakfast and he stares at the
meal of miso soup, rice, fish, and boiled vegetables with a churning stomach.
He knows he should be hungry, that he needs to eat for his health so he picks
up his chopsticks and takes a bite of rice. It could be worse; it could be
three bowls of rice with everyone in the dining hall staring at him. Everyone
who saw him lying in the alley, cloaked in fear and shame and not much else.
His father’s stomach growls loudly, interrupting the silence.
“S-sorry,” his father laughs nervously under everyone’s stares. “We didn’t get
a chance for a proper breakfast…”
“We’ll go get some lunch for everyone,” Takashima stands and looks at Miyuki
who stands with her reluctantly.
“Oh, you don’t have to do that Takashima-san,” Eijun’s mother says politely but
the look on his father’s face ‘yes, please.’ He might laugh at it if he knew it
wouldn’t hurt so much.
“It’s no trouble, just some bentos from the cafeteria. Come on, Miyuki-kun.”
Eijun’s parents say their thanks as Takashima and Miyuki leave, Miyuki giving
Eijun a look that makes his stomach do a flip before he disappears through the
door.
“I’m glad you have such a kind senpai on your team,” his mother says, “he’s
handsome too.”
Eijun almost chokes on his rice. He hopes it excuses the flush on his face. If
he trusted his hands more he might try to hide his face by drinking some soup
but it looks too hot to spill on himself at the moment.
“Are you ok Eijun?” His father asks, patting him on the back with a strong
hand. Eijun nods.
“It’s good you all have baseball to keep you busy, otherwise you might have too
much time for getting in trouble with girls, they must be interested in Miyuki-
kun.”
Eijun occupies himself with shoving food he doesn’t want to eat in his mouth so
he doesn’t have to respond to that. He doesn’t want to tell them that Miyuki
isn’t interested in any girls, or that they do have time to “get into trouble”
just not the type of trouble his mother is thinking of.
He can’t tell them that Miyuki Kazuya isn’t exactly ‘kind’ or that if you
compliment his looks he’ll blush prettily and look away, long lashes making
shadows over his cheeks; that the first time Eijun told him he was beautiful
Miyuki had pulled Eijun on top of him after he regained his composure, bodies
fitting together perfectly on Miyuki’s bed.
“Make me feel that way,” he’d breathed against Eijun’s lips and Eijun had done
his best to show him how beautiful he is in the language of tongues and agile
fingers that Miyuki loves so much.
He feels sick with guilt hiding his relationship from them but now isn’t the
time to tell them. He’s not sure when the right time will be, if they’ll accept
him or not, if Miyuki will even still be with him when he’s ready to come out
to his parents. That thought turns his stomach and he sets down his rice in
favor of picking apart the fish until his stomach settles some.
It was easy to believe that Miyuki wants to be with him when Eijun was in his
arms but the fear hasn’t completely left him that Miyuki will leave him when he
realizes that he’s used and broken.
The fish feels dry and flavorless and it’s hard to swallow.
“Eijun,” his mother starts softly and he already knows what’s coming next. It
makes him feel more exhausted. “Are you sure you don’t want to come home?”
Eijun nods and tries giving her a smile. He knows he’s not fooling anyone.
“I’ll be home before you know it for New Year’s.” And then he’ll have to face
his grandfather and his friends from home. His hand trembles and he drops his
chopsticks. One of them lands in his rice, leaning precariously to the side. He
snatches it out quickly, heart pounding. His parents don’t comment on it as he
sets the chopsticks down gently next to the bowl, lining them up neatly to calm
himself.
“Have you told anyone in Nagano?” He asks, trying to keep his voice steady, his
eyes trained on his fingers as they perfect the placement of the chopsticks.
“No, we thought that should be up to you,” his father says gently. “Gramps
knows but he’s sworn to keep it to himself.”
Eijun wants to ask what his grandfather said but fear makes the words stick to
his tongue.
“He said you’re too strong to let this hold you down for long,” his father
tells him and Eijun looks at him with surprise. “We know that’s true, Eijun.”
His eyes hurt from crying but he can’t stop the tears from welling in his tired
eyes. He wipes them away with the back of his hand. He wants to express his
gratitude that his family believes in him that much, express his fear that he’s
not strong enough to meet their expectations but talking is hard enough on his
throat even when he knows what he wants to say.
“Eat your lunch,” his mother sniffles. “We can’t have you turning to skin and
bone while you rest.”
He nods and goes back to his meal, wrapping the love from his family around
himself, trying to use the comfort of it to steady his hands.
By the time Takashima and Miyuki are back he’s finished most of his meal. It
feels like a bizarre picnic, everyone eating out of disposable containers and
making intermittent small talk.
This isn’t how Eijun had wanted his parents to meet Miyuki. They were supposed
to meet him on a hot summer day after they won Koshien with their amazing
battery, the ace number firmly on Eijun’s back. Or maybe at a real picnic,
under spring cherry blossoms and blue sky.
“Do you like it? Kazuya is an excellent cook…”he could have boasted to his
parents.
A knock on the door brings him out of his daydream.
“Excuse me,” the nurse who replaced Nurse Tanaka lets herself in. “The doctor
will be in soon for a checkup. If she says it’s ok Sawamura-kun can go home
today.”
Eijun’s heart leaps with a mix of excitement and apprehension.
“Today?” His mother sounds surprised. “That’s so soon.”
“There isn’t much more we can do for Sawamura-kun right now,” the nurse bows
apologetically. “He needs rest to heal, if he’d rather do that in the hospital
it can be arranged but there are so many flu patients this time of year it’s
best to send those who can go home home so they don’t get ill. He’ll need to
come in for tests and checkups though.”
“I want to go back,” Eijun speaks up, his voice raspy and painful.
“I’ll let the doctor know,” she bows again. “Do you want me to take your tray
Sawamura-kun?”
Eijun nods and hands it to her, his hands shaking again. The idea of exams and
tests fills him with dread; exposing himself to the humiliation and pain of
having his legs spread open for a stranger makes his heart race and stomach
churn.
He takes a deep, shaky breath and lets it out slowly; trying to calm himself
the way the counselor showed him that morning. He looks at the pamphlets and
business cards she’d left on the table by his hospital bed. Taking them feels
embarrassing, like he’s admitting his weakness but he knows no one in the room
is going to judge him for shoving them in his pocket on the way out.
“Do you want us to stay for your exam?” His mother asks tearfully.
He shakes his head too fast, making him dizzy and nauseous.
“We won’t be far if you change your mind,” his father tells him as they stand.
“I know you’re growing up fast,” his mother sniffles, holding back her tears as
his father puts a hand on her shoulder, “but you’re still my baby. There’s no
shame in needing your mother to hold your hand sometimes.”      
“I’ll be fine, mom,” he whispers, too tired to feel embarrassed that she called
him a baby in front of Takashima and Miyuki.
When Miyuki catches his gaze on his way out of the room Eijun’s stomach does
another flip. The look in his boyfriend’s eyes says ‘I want to hold your hand
too’. Eijun wants to hold Miyuki’s hand in return, but not now, not like this.
He doesn’t want anyone to see him exposed and vulnerable and in pain so he
waits for the doctor by himself, anticipation building in his chest.
Eijun jumps involuntarily when the doctor comes in, trembles uncontrollably
when he has to move aside the blanket and open his legs for the exam. Her hands
are gentle and the contact is brief and professional but it still makes tears
spring to his eyes, panic clawing at him.
“It’s over, Sawamura-kun,” she says and he closes his legs like a vice, still
shaking. “You did a good job. It doesn’t look any worse. It should heal on its
own just fine. If it feels like it’s getting worse you should come in right
away, it might be an infection. Eat soft foods for the time being. You should
get plenty of rest and try not to strain yourself until your concussion is gone
and your wound is healed. I’m going to send you home with a mild anti-nausea
medicine in case you need it. If you need a pain medicine acetaminophen is safe
to take. If you have trouble sleeping you can get a prescription once your
concussion is gone. I’ll see you back here in a week for a checkup and some
tests, alright?”
She must see the overwhelmed look on his face because her clinical demeanor
softens.
“I’ll write that down for you, ok?” He nods gratefully. “If you want to go get
dressed now you can,” she says as she makes notes for him.
He swallows and slides out of the bed. His legs feel wobbly and weak but he
clutches his change of clothes to his chest and makes his way to the bathroom,
gritting his teeth against the pain. He tries not to look at himself as he
changes, leaning against the wall for support as he pulls on his underwear. He
slips the sweater on over his head last and wonders if Miyuki will say anything
about it being his. He smells it. It smells like Miyuki. It steadies him as he
makes his way out of the bathroom, balling up his dirty hospital gown and
shoving it in the receptacle he’d placed his pajamas earlier.
“Here you are Sawamura-kun,” the doctor hands him a sheet of paper from her
clipboard. “Any questions?”
He skims the paper, eager to get out of the hospital, but he does think of a
question. It makes his cheeks burn.
“Can I…can I share a bath or…if I have something…” the paper shakes in his
hands.
“It’s fine,” she assures him steadily, not batting an eye. “You can’t pass
anything through a bath. The only risk would be pubic lice but bath water is
hot enough to eliminate the risk, just don’t share a towel with anyone until
you’ve had all your tests.”
He nods, embarrassed but relieved that he won’t infect any of his teammates if
he has an STD. The only person at risk if he has one is the person he cares
most about though and that thought scares him.
“Is there anything else?” She asks.
“No, thank you,” he bows slightly, the pain in his stomach making him stop
short.
She tells him to pick up the anti-nausea medication on his way out and says a
goodbye, leaving him alone.
He feels restless, like he wants to pace around the room but he knows he’s
supposed to stay still so he settles on walking to the table by the side of the
hospital bed and collecting his things. He checks his wallet. He’d forgotten to
take his wallet and key out of his pants before putting them in the evidence
bag but they had already been returned to him by the morning. He wonders if
whoever returned them said anything about the two condoms in his wallet.
He shoves them in his pocket before sliding on Kataoka’s sunglasses and
carefully folding the pamphlets the counselor had given him and putting them in
his pocket with her business card.
He doesn’t want to get back in the hospital bed, doesn’t even want to look at
it. He knows he’ll have to sit and stand in front of people eventually but he
doesn’t want to show his parents how his legs shake when he does so he leans
against the wall, reading over the card Miyuki gave him.
His fingers trail over the lines one by one, his eyes stinging at the well
wishes and encouragements, his stomach twisting with nervousness at the thought
of facing his teammates soon. He’s not sure what to say to them, what they’ll
say to him.
There’s a sharp knock on the door and his father peaks his head in cautiously,
eyes widening when he sees Eijun dressed and standing.
“Ready to go?”
He nods and takes careful steps, trying his best to hide his discomfort.
“The doctor came and talked to us, your mother and Takashima-san are picking up
your medicine now.”
Eijun’s heart swells with gratitude. He doesn’t want to spend any more time in
the hospital, surrounded by strangers. The idea of sitting in the pharmacy
makes him feel on edge, paranoid. He feels a little more at ease, Miyuki
falling into step beside him as they follow Eijun’s father to the elevator.
Miyuki walks closely; his arm brushing against Eijun’s every few steps. He
wants to take Miyuki’s hand, feel its steady warmth and knows that Miyuki feels
the same. Knowing is enough to satisfy him for now.
Against the wall of the elevator, Eijun’s father humming absently to the soft
music piping in, Miyuki takes his hand, squeezing softly, watching Eijun out of
the corner of his eye. Eijun squeezes back.
The touch is brief but it stays with him all the way down the hall and into the
lobby where they wait. He can’t believe Miyuki still wants to touch him, still
wants to look at him after what he saw.
They don’t wait long, watching as people pass in and out of the lobby. If
anyone stares at his bruised face and neck he doesn’t notice.
His mother and Takashima join them, explaining Eijun’s medicine to him as they
wait for their cabs.
“Do you want us to stay in town? In case you need us?” His mother asks, handing
him the bag of pills.
“It’s ok, I’ll be fine,” he smiles at them and it feels a little more natural
this time. He can feel their love and worry about him in their eyes. His
parents rarely leave the farm all in his grandfather’s care, even if he wanted
their constant attention one of them would have to go back to help.
When the time comes to part the three of them cry again, his father sweeping
him and his mother into a tight hug that makes his heart pound before he’s
released in a daze and they climb into their cab to head back to the train
station for the ride back to Nagano.
To his surprise Takashima takes the front seat of their cab, leaving Miyuki and
him in the back. More surprising still is that Miyuki takes the middle seat.
Eijun gives him a look that says ‘who’s always worried about ‘discretion’
here?’ but Miyuki can’t see it behind the sunglasses.
Takashima’s head is trained forward though and Eijun is too stressed and
drained to worry about it when Miyuki takes his hand. He just enjoys the
comfort he can get before he’s faced with a sea of worried and curious
teammates.
He tries not to think about it, resting his head against the window and closing
his eyes, breathing mindfully, calming his racing heart.
Before he knows it he’s standing at the gates of Seidou, Miyuki at his side,
Takashima’s promise to help with anything he needs hanging in the air in her
absence.
He feels dazed being back so soon. It feels like he’s been gone much longer but
it’s been less than 24 hours. He swallows painfully, eyes sweeping the
courtyard. Nothing feels real.
“Everyone’s probably having lunch,” Miyuki says, a gentle hand on Eijun’s arm.
He barely feels the touch, he feels numb. “If you want to just go to your room
no one will notice, probably.”
Eijun shakes his head, feeling a world away.
“No,” his voice sounds much surer than he feels. “I just want to get this over
with.”
He registers Miyuki’s surprise as Miyuki falls in step beside him, making a
straight line for the dining hall. His legs feel heavy, his heart painful in
his chest as the door gets closer. It’s so quiet as they approach he wonders if
Miyuki is wrong, maybe no one is in there but as he opens the door a roomful of
eyes fall on them.
Eijun steps in, glad he has Kataoka’s sunglasses to hide his tired and puffy
eyes as he sweeps over his teammates surprised faces.
“Thank you for the card,” he says, dropping as far into a bow as he dare go.
His voice is quiet but the room is silent and attentive. He wonders if they can
hear his heart beating. “I’ll be in my room resting. I’m sorry to have caused
such an inconvenience.”
There’s a slight stirring in the room as he finishes, straightening up, ready
to make as hasty of an exit as he can.
“Eijun-kun,” he hears Haruichi’s soft voice, it sounds both sad and relived.
There’s a scraping of a chair and his eyes are drawn to Maezono, looking
nervous but determined.
“Don’t worry about anything Sawamura; we’ll support you 100%!” He says voice
filling the quiet room and making Eijun want to shrink away from the noise.
“Just focus on resting for the spring.”
Eijun’s heart pounds as the room fills with a chorus of support. It’s loud and
overwhelming but looking around at all the faces none of them look disgusted
and he feels some relief, tears swimming behind the protection of Kataoka’s
sunglasses.
“Thank you,” he says again but he’s not sure if anyone hears it.
“Oi, that’s enough,” Miyuki speaks up next to him and the room goes quiet.
“Sawamura needs to rest; he can’t do that with all of you shouting at him.” He
rests his hand on Eijun’s shoulder. “Come on,” he says softly and steers Eijun
back out the door.
Eijun blinks the tears away and keeps his eyes focused on the door to his room,
not daring to look to the side for fear of seeing a man standing near the
laundry room, waiting for him. He drops the key when he tries to unlock it, his
fingers feeling numb.
“I got it,” Miyuki mutters and picks it up, unlocking the door and handing it
back to Eijun.
Eijun goes through the door first, leaving the light off and slipping out of
his shoes before dropping the bag of medicine on the floor and crawling into
his bed. It’s much more comfortable than the hospital bed and maybe it’s his
imagination but it smells like Miyuki.
“Eijun,” he stiffens at the edge in Miyuki’s voice. He tries not to shake but
he thinks Miyuki notices by the way he sighs and sits on the bed. “Stop
apologizing,” he says softly, setting his hand tentatively on Eijun’s back.
“You didn’t cause an inconvenience, ok? You didn’t choose this, it’s not your
fault and everyone knows that.”
Eijun nods into the pillow, the sunglasses pressing into his face. He takes
them off, Miyuki’s hand out ready to put them on his desk. Both of their eyes
fall on the battered present.
Eijun can’t help the sob that escapes his tightening throat. It feels like he’s
being strangled all over again. Miyuki picks up the present and puts it in
Eijun’s desk drawer, out of sight before returning to the bed and sliding in
next to Eijun.
He shivers in Miyuki’s arms, burying his face in Miyuki’s chest and taking
gasping breaths. Miyuki doesn’t say anything, just holds him and rubs his back
soothingly until his heart slows.
Safety, the counselor had said that he needed to regain his sense of safety. He
knows that’s not going to be easy, not with reminders all around him of his
most vulnerable and painful moment but tucked into Miyuki’s arms, feeling
Miyuki’s breath and heartbeat against him he thinks that there’s no place safer
to be.
    
 
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     I hope everyone is having a good 2016 so far. Sorry for the wait, I
     hope this is acceptable
A knock on the door makes Miyuki tense before pulling away and standing up.
Eijun misses the warmth immediately but he sits up, rubbing at his tear
streaked cheeks to dry them. Before Miyuki can open the door, the lock turns
and Kuramochi’s face peaks in tentatively. His body follows, shutting the door
and locking it behind him.
Eijun’s heart thuds against his chest as the silence drags on.
Kuramochi just stands there, hands in his pockets as he scowls at the floor.
Fear makes Eijun tremble slightly; maybe Kuramochi is mad at him, maybe he
doesn’t want to be roommates with Eijun anymore…
“I don’t like knocking on my own door,” Kuramochi breaks the silence, “but I
thought you guys might need a little time alone…” he trails off, eyes finally
sweeping over the other boys in the room.
“Thanks,” Miyuki says for them as he sits on the edge of Eijun’s bed. He looks
at Eijun reassuringly, amber eyes warm with comfort. Eijun’s heartbeat stutters
and slows a bit, some of the tension releasing.
“Sawamura,” Kuramochi says, voice rough and Eijun’s heart jumps back into his
throat as his stomach drops. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…” he takes a deep
breath, “If I hadn’t asked you to get me a drink you wouldn’t have gone to the
vending machines and then…I’m sorry. It’s my fault that…”
“Kuramochi-senpai,” Eijun manages through the lump in his throat. “It’s…it’s
not your fault,” he hates the way he can’t stop himself from shaking at the
memory. Miyuki slides an arm around him and Eijun leans into him, pressing his
side against Miyuki, anchoring himself to what’s real as his mind tries to pull
him back to last night. “It didn’t…start at the vending machines, that’s just
where it ended…he was looking for me and he,” the words stick in Eijun’s throat
but he forces them out, “he found me in the courtyard as I was coming out of
the room.”
He wants to close his eyes against the stinging of the tears making his vision
swim but he’s afraid to close them, afraid of what he’ll see behind his
eyelids. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, and takes it away in time
to see Kuramochi and Miyuki having a silent argument with their eyes.
“Sawamura,” Kuramochi says, looking at him again, pale in the darkened room. He
feels Miyuki tense against him. “What do you mean he was looking for you?”
Eijun shakes, tears finally spilling from his tired eyes.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Miyuki says softly, his hold around Eijun
tightening.
Eijun shakes his head, making himself dizzy. He listens to the sounds around
him; Miyuki and Kuramochi breathing, some of their teammates walking by the
room, talking softly, his own breathing. He feels the softness of the bed under
him, Miyuki’s solid warmth. He wraps an arm around his boyfriend in return, it
grounds him.
He doesn’t know if he wants everyone to know but it seems important for them,
two of the people closest to him to know.
“He said he was looking for me,” he repeats what he said to the counselor and
police officer that morning, feeling numb. “He said he was a…a fan.” He feels
Miyuki’s hand spasm against him and he waivers. “He said he just wanted a kiss
but…” he doesn’t finish because they know what happened, they saw.
“Shit,” Kuramochi says with a heavy sigh.
A choked laugh escapes Eijun’s throat but it sounds like a sob.  
“I’m…I’m still sorry, Sawamura.” Kuramochi says. “We should have looked for you
when you didn’t come back. We should have done something.”
Eijun shakes his head carefully. “There’s no way you could have known,
Kuramochi-senpai. I didn’t…I didn’t even yell, I…”
“Sawamura,” Miyuki says gently, rubbing his arm, spreading warmth with his soft
touch. Eijun nods, Miyuki’s reminder that it’s not his fault fresh in his mind.
“Talking hurts,” he says. “And I have a headache.” He doesn’t bother to list
everything else that feels wrong with him. He doesn’t want to think about
everywhere else he hurts.
“You don’t have to talk,” Miyuki assures him.
“Do you…want to play a video game?” Kuramochi tries.
Miyuki huffs with annoyance. “He has a concussion, he can’t play video games.
No bright lights, loud noises, or quick movements.”
“Oh,” Kuramochi says, not bothering to argue despite Miyuki’s tone. “That’s
going to be boring.”
Eijun makes a noise of agreement and Miyuki sighs.
“Not helping,” his boyfriend mutters under his breath at Kuramochi. “Lie down,
and relax,” Miyuki tells him and Eijun can’t argue with him either, can’t tell
him that relaxing is harder than it sounds, especially when he just wants
everything to be normal again.
He lies down on his back, the bed still warm from where he’d been lying before.
Miyuki lies next to him, propped up on an elbow, facing Eijun. He can hear
Kuramochi sit down at his desk and switch on a light.
Miyuki looks at him tenderly, it fills Eijun’s chest with warmth and gives him
the kind of butterflies in his stomach he loves to read about.
He tries not to squirm. He tries not to think about what Miyuki must be looking
passed to have that look on his face. He’s avoided looking in a mirror for the
most part but he knows how he looks; tired and used, his cheek swollen and
bruised, eyes red and puffy from crying, bagged from lack of sleep. The bruise
on his throat.
Miyuki strokes Eijun’s hair gently, running his fingers through it carefully.
Eijun wonders if it’s obvious that he’s missing a handful of it. He’s not sure
if he wants to know, it might make Miyuki look at him differently. He doesn’t
want anyone to look at him differently, especially Miyuki, but he’s relieved
that so far he hasn’t seen any pity or disgust coming from his partner.
He can’t help relaxing under Miyuki’s gentle touch as his hands move to leave
soft trails of warmth on the unbruised side of Eijun’s face. He caresses
Eijun’s cheek, his thumb running lightly over his cheekbone, sliding across his
jawline carefully and skimming across the surface of his lips. It makes Eijun’s
lips tingle even as his eyes water.
Miyuki was the first person he’d ever kissed and in Eijun’s romantic heart he
wanted Miyuki to be the only person he would kiss; the only person he would be
intimate with but now Miyuki isn’t Eijun’s first and he can’t get that moment
back, the moment that should have been with the one he loved.
He closes his eyes, not wanting to see the tender look on Miyuki’s face change
to worry. He feels Miyuki shift before he feels the soft touch of Miyuki’s lips
on his forehead. The lingering kiss makes Eijun’s heart beat faster. His eyes
flutter open when Miyuki pulls away but Miyuki doesn’t return to looking at
him; instead he lies down against Eijun, pressing against his side, wrapping an
arm around Eijun. He feels Miyuki’s breath against his ear, can hear him lick
his lips.
“I was scared that you weren’t going to come back,” Miyuki whispers, barely
audible, breath tickling Eijun’s ear. “I don’t want to lose you.” He tightens
his hold on Eijun, pressing himself harder against Eijun’s side. Eijun can feel
Miyuki’s heart beating rapidly to match his own. “I don’t know what I would do
without you.”
Eijun’s breath catches in his throat as Miyuki rests his head next to Eijun’s.
That should be my line, he thinks dazedly. He’s the one who relies on Miyuki,
as his partner, his captain, and his boyfriend; Miyuki is the entire reason
Eijun came to Seidou to begin with.
“Me too,” Eijun croaks out as quietly as he can.
“Did you say something?” Kuramochi says.
“Nothing,” Eijun says, warmth growing on his face. Miyuki snickers and Eijun’s
face gets hotter.
“Hey, how do you expect Sawamura to rest if you’re clinging to him like that?
You’re going to suffocate him, he’s all red,” Kuramochi admonishes but Miyuki
doesn’t budge. “Have you even finished your homework for tomorrow?”
Miyuki stiffens and his soft chuckling stops.
“You might get by in English on sympathy but no else knows so they’re not going
to be nice if you don’t finish.”
Miyuki sighs but doesn’t give any indication of moving.
“Do your homework, captain,” Eijun says even though he doesn’t want Miyuki to
move either.
Miyuki pulls away slowly, leaving Eijun feeling cold.
“I’ll be back; if Kuramochi is so worried about my grades he can help me.”
Kuramochi doesn’t object, just grunts as Miyuki leaves the room. Eijun turns
his head to look at his roommate. His back is turned and he has his homework
out but his pencil isn’t moving. The desk light hurts his eyes so he turns
away, staring at the bottom of Kuramochi’s bunk.  
Eijun has never wanted to do homework until now, it would be preferable to
lying here doing nothing but he knows he’s not supposed to if he wants his
concussion to heal faster. He’s not allowed to do anything that might aggravate
his condition; no TV, no video games, no manga, no homework, no baseball. The
counselor had told him that he should do activities he enjoys, that getting
back into his old routine would help but she didn’t say what he should do while
he physically can’t do those things.
“Concussions suck,” Eijun says to the top bunk.
“Yeah, I had one once in middle school,” Kuramochi says absently before Eijun
hears him scoot his chair back. He appears in front of Eijun’s bed, leaning
down to see him at the far edge by the wall. “Are you ok?” His roommate asks,
looking at him carefully.
“Y-yeah,” Eijun tries to sound light, giving his senpai a smile. It hurts his
face.
“Don’t” Kuramochi sounds angry and the smile slips from Eijun’s face instantly.
He tries not to shake. “Don’t do that. If you need to cry, cry. Don’t force
yourself to smile when you don’t feel like it. If you do fake shit like that we
won’t know when you’re really better. Your fake smile sucks, you’re not going
to fool anyone anyway Bakamura.”
Eijun nods around the lump in his throat. He’s never been happier to hear
himself be called “Bakamura.”
“And if you need anything just tell me, ok? I’ll get whatever you want, water,
food, anything. But if I find you doing something you’re not supposed to
I’ll…I’ll make sure Miyuki won’t catch for you for a month.”
“He wouldn’t!” Eijun chokes.
Kuramochi gives him a wicked grin. “He would if he knew you were making
yourself worse.”
Eijun huffs but nods.
“And no going anywhere by yourself,” Kuramochi adds gruffly. “Not until…you
know.”
“Yeah,” Eijun agrees quietly, hoping the fear doesn’t show on his face.
“Good,” Kuramochi says but doesn’t move from Eijun’s bedside. “Zono was right,”
he says after a pause. “A lot of people have got your back, but if it’s too
much and you want space just tell me ok, I’ll kick them out, even that clingy
boyfriend of yours.” Eijun can’t imagine not wanting Miyuki around but he nods
anyway. “And if anyone gives you any shit,” he cracks his knuckles making Eijun
cringe, “they’re dead.”
Eijun opens his mouth to tell him not to kill anyone but the overwhelming
feeling of gratitude for his roommate’s protectiveness keeps the words in.
Instead he gives a soft “thanks” as Kuramochi goes back to his desk.
When Miyuki gets back to the room Eijun is already getting tired of looking at
the underside of Kuramochi’s bed and he has more days ahead of him with the
same view, staring vacantly and trying not to think about why he’s stuck there.
“Miss me?” Miyuki grins, slipping his shoes off. Kuramochi groans and glares at
him. “Can I turn the light on?”
Eijun agrees, bracing himself for the harsh light but from under the bunk it
doesn’t hurt his eyes. Miyuki sits on the floor, leaning against Eijun’s bed.
“You won’t be smiling when you get to this math problem,” Kuramochi grumbles,
turning back to his homework.
“Which one?” Miyuki asks absently, flipping open a textbook.
“Second to last,” he says. “Sadistic bastard. He put it so close to the end so
you can see the finish line but you can’t cross it.”
“Yeah that one was pretty hard,” Miyuki chuckles and Kuramochi’s head whips
around to stare at him.
“You’re already finished?”
“Just a few more questions from history and English. You were worried I wasn’t
finished and I’m further than you,” Miyuki laughs but it stops short. “I have
more free time lately for homework,” the smile is gone from his voice and Eijun
wonders what sort of face he’s making. “I finished most of it before the
weekend…” Eijun can hear the unspoken ‘because I had plans’ and it hurts his
heart.
He rubs the tears out of his eyes and tries to calm the knot in his stomach. He
wishes they would go back to bantering like normal. Instead he stares at the
back of his boyfriend’s head and wishes everything was different.
He scoots closer to the edge of the bed and reaches out a hand, stroking
Miyuki’s hair. Miyuki turns his head and smiles softly at him before going back
to his homework. He wants to apologize again but he knows Miyuki wouldn’t like
that so he tries to show him with gentle caresses that he’s sorry.
If he’s distracting Miyuki from his homework Miyuki doesn’t tell him to stop so
Eijun sinks himself into the feeling in his fingertips to distract himself,
soft strands sliding between his fingers as he tries to relax again.
Even after they’re done with their homework Kuramochi doesn’t leave. Eijun
thought he might go practice but he stays, sprawling out on the ground with a
sports magazine even though Miyuki is back in Eijun’s bed and he would usually
complain about them cuddling in front of him.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do when he’s alone in the room while
everyone else is in class or practice but he tries not to worry about it and
spoil the sense of safety he has with the two of them in the room and the
knowledge that the rest of the team is so nearby.
They were all nearby last night too and it didn’t make anything safer, a voice
in his head thinks but he tries to shove it to the back of his mind and focus
on the present, on the sound of Miyuki’s heartbeat under his head and the
warmth of the body pressed against him, on feeling safe right now.
He must have dozed off because the knock on the door has his heart racing as he
jolts upright, narrowly missing hitting his head on the top bunk.
“It’s ok,” Miyuki says calmly as he gets out of Eijun’s bed, “it’s just the
door.”
Eijun nods, placing a hand on his pounding heart and trying to calm himself.
Kuramochi gives him a troubled look before opening the door.
“Chris-senpai,” Eijun says on reflex even though it comes out raspy.
Chris meets his eyes with a soft smile as he steps into the room carrying a
tray of food.
“I brought Sawamura’s dinner,” he sets the tray down on Eijun’s desk. “You two
should go eat now, I’ll stay with him.”
Miyuki and Kuramochi look at each other, having another silent argument between
them. Eijun isn’t sure what they have to argue about, now or ever, especially
with the sure tone in Chris’ voice; it didn’t sound like they had much of a
choice.
It makes Eijun nervous, interacting with Chris after he saw, after he carried
him out of the alley and made him go to the hospital but he would never turn
down time with his mentor.
Miyuki opens his mouth to talk but Kuramochi cuts him off, a quick “yes, Chris-
senpai,” before he knees Miyuki in the ass to make him move toward the door.
Miyuki gives Chris a plaintive look but puts his shoes on.
“I won’t be gone long,” he says to Eijun, hesitating by the door.      
“Don’t worry, Miyuki, nothing’s going to happen to him,” Chris assures him
before Kuramochi pulls Miyuki out the door with him.
Eijun wishes he could sit more formally to receive whatever wisdom Chris has to
offer but sitting itself hurts so he doesn’t try it.
“Do you want to eat in bed or at your desk?” Chris asks calmly.
“Bed please, Chris-senpai,” Eijun responds, sitting up straight and stretching
his legs in front of him when Chris hands him the tray of rice and soup. He’s
glad to see there’s not three bowls of rice. “Can you hand me that please?” He
gestures to the bag with the anti-nausea medication in it and Chris obliges.
The bottle of pills is difficult to open but before he can ask Chris has his
hand outstretched. He opens it with ease and hands Eijun a pill before taking
the water bottle off Eijun’s tray and opening it for him. Eijun wonders if his
mother somehow talked to Chris.
“Thanks,” he says and takes the water. Thankfully the pill is small and it goes
down easily. Chris pulls Eijun’s desk chair over to the bed and sits facing
him.
“At least it’s not three bowls of rice,” Chris says in response to the daunted
look Eijun can’t hide. He’s not hungry at all. “Do you remember that giant bowl
of rice you gave me?”
“Yeah,” Eijun smiles at the memory.
“I thought about bringing you one that big.”
The look of fond amusement in his eyes makes Eijun’s heart swell with relief
and happiness. He uses it as strength to make himself eat despite his lack of
appetite. Chris waits patiently for him to finish his meal before taking the
tray and setting it aside.
“How do you feel, Sawamura?”
Eijun doesn’t know how to answer that. He can’t say ‘fine’ he can’t lie to
Chris. He’s scared, ashamed, embarrassed. He feels dirty and used. He feels
like he doesn’t know his own body anymore. And then there’s the physical pain,
the headache, the nausea.  His body betrays him and he shakes, unable to stop
tears from streaming down his face.
Chris moves from the chair to Eijun’s bed, rubbing Eijun’s heaving back as he
tries to get himself back under control.
“It’s going to be ok, Sawamura,” Chris says soothingly.
“I – I,” he gasps for breath through his constricted throat.
“Just breathe,” Chris says calmly. “One deep breath in and then out. In and
out.” Chris takes a deep breath and Eijun struggles to follow along. “Another
one, slower,” Chris instructs, taking deep breaths with Eijun until he’s not
struggling to breathe anymore.
 “I don’t know what to do Chris-senpai,” he finally manages.
“I don’t know what you should do either, Sawamura,” Chris says and Eijun’s
stomach drops. “This isn’t going to be easy. The only thing you can do is take
it a day at a time.”
Eijun nods, trying to absorb Chris’ words of wisdom like he always does.
“You’re a fighter, Sawamura. You wouldn’t have come this far if you gave up
easily. I know you can do this.” Chris gives him a final pat on the back and
moves to get up but Eijun wraps his arms around him and burying his face in his
wide chest.
“Thank you Chris-senpai. For everything.”
Chris chuckles, ruffling Eijun’s hair gently.
“I’m just repaying my debt,” he says but Eijun doesn’t understand what he
means; he can’t remember doing anything that Chris would need to repay. Before
he can ask about it the door opens, Kuramochi and Miyuki returning to the room.
Chris gives one more pat to Eijun’s back before slipping out of Eijun’s arms.
“I’ll be going now,” he moves Eijun’s chair back to its rightful place and
picks up the tray, blushing slightly as he says goodnight to them. Eijun can’t
quite tell but it looked like he was avoiding looking at Miyuki.
“Are you ok?” Miyuki asks, taking Chris’ spot on the bed.
Eijun nods, feeling exhausted.
“Yeah, Chris-senpai helped,” he gives Miyuki a small smile.
“Good,” Miyuki says, cupping Eijun’s face in his hand gently and wiping his
fresh track of tears away.    
“I think I’m gonna go swing some with Kominato before the kids bursts. Need
anything? Not you Miyuki!” He yells, hurting Eijun’s head. “Sawamura?” He says
calmer.  
“No thank you Kuramochi-senpai. Please be careful, don’t…don’t go anywhere by
yourself and please keep an eye on Harucchi.”
“Of course,” Kuramochi says easily but he looks carefully at Eijun. “I’ll be
back in a bit.”
Eijun shivers. He told the police officer what the man had said about Haruichi
and Miyuki but he doesn’t know how to tell them, if he should tell them. He
can’t bring himself to do it, not yet at least.
I gave him what he wanted he can’t come back for them, he tells himself but it
does little to ease the fear in his chest.
“Eijun, what’s wrong?” Miyuki wipes the new tears away.
“Scared,” Eijun says, his voice shaking. He might not be able to tell Miyuki
the specifics but he wants to be honest.
“It’s ok,” Miyuki wraps him in his arms. “You’re safe now.”
What about everyone else? He thinks, clinging to Miyuki, although he’s also
still scared for himself.
“You’re safe Eijun,” Miyuki says softly, holding him tighter. “I’m here and I
won’t let anything happen to you.”
Eijun wants to say the same but he can’t. He’s already proved that he’s too
weak to defend himself, he can’t protect Miyuki either. The thought fills him
with panic.
Stronger, I need to get stronger, he thinks but there’s nothing he can do now
except cry and hold his partner tight.  
“I didn’t know how to be there for you when you had the yips,” Miyuki cradles
the back of Eijun’s head, stroking his hair. “I don’t want to fail again. I’m
going to be here for you Eijun. Always.”
Eijun’s stomach does a flip and he’s glad he took that anti-nausea medicine
because he might ruin the moment by throwing up on Miyuki.
“You feel really tense, do you want a massage?” Miyuki asks, pulling away some
to look him in the face.
“Are you sure you can give one?”
“How vigorous of a massage do you think I’m going to give you?” He laughs and
Eijun huffs. He wants to look out for Miyuki too but he’s always difficult
about it. “It’s fine, just turn around.”
Eijun turns his back to Miyuki, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater. He’d
usually take it off for a massage but the thought makes him nervous now.
“Keep it on if you want,” Miyuki slides his hands over Eijun’s shoulders, “it
looks good on you.” Eijun blushes. “You can keep it.”
“No,” Eijun plays with one of the red sleeves. “I like it because it’s yours;
if you give it to me it won’t be yours anymore.”
“Alright,” Miyuki chuckles, rubbing Eijun’s sore shoulders. “Borrow it then.”
Eijun nods and leans into Miyuki’s touch. Miyuki’s reputation for being good at
massages is well earned; his fingers always seem to find the perfect place, the
exact pressure needed for working out kinks and knots. Eijun tries his best to
relax and let Miyuki work his magic on him until his muscles feel loose and his
heartbeat slows.
“Better?” Miyuki asks, pressing his chest to Eijun’s back and circling his arms
around him, resting his chin on Eijun’s shoulders.
“Yeah, thanks,” Eijun sighs, letting his head rest on Miyuki’s shoulder behind
him. It pulls his throat taught but his neck is much less tense lessening the
pain.
“Do you want a bath? It would help you relax more before bed.”
“Yeah…” Eijun can’t keep some of the tension from returning to his body. “Just
not when a lot of people are there.” He doesn’t want his body on display for
the entire team to see.
“Do you want me to go check? It’s getting late most people are probably done.”
“No, stay,” he says quickly, heart thudding fearfully in his chest.
“Ok,” Miyuki nuzzles Eijun’s neck. “We’ll wait a little longer until we go.”
Eijun relaxes some, leaning against Miyuki’s warm chest.
Leaving the room is harder than Eijun anticipated. It’s dark outside and even
with Miyuki beside him, even with the knowledge that he’s safe he feels panicky
as they approach the spot where he first saw his attacker. He tries to walk
quickly to the bathroom, ignoring the pounding in his head and the twisting of
his gut.
They make a quick stop at the toilets, Eijun avoiding looking at his sweaty
beaten face in the mirror as he washes his hands thoroughly. He feels like a
mess.
The bathhouse is just next-door but leaving the safety of shelter makes him
shiver. Miyuki waits patiently for him by the door. When they get to the
bathhouse the only person in the changing room is Kuramochi, pulling on his
shirt as they enter.
“Anyone left in the bath?” Miyuki asks.
“Nope,” Kuramochi tosses his towel in the bin of used towels and runs a hand
through his damp hair.
“Where’s Harucchi?” Eijun asks, fighting another wave of panic.
“He’s with Furuya, don’t worry I told them to stay together.”
Eijun nods, some of his fear easing.
“Kuramochi-senpai!” Eijun gasps. “You were in here alone! And you’re going back
to our room alone! That’s against the rules!” His voice echoes in the changing
room and normally his senpai would yell at him but he doesn’t this time. 
“Hey I wasn’t alone when I got here, and don’t worry. I can make it back to the
room fine.” Kuramochi waves him off before slipping out the door, his hands in
his pockets.
He’s stronger than me, Eijun thinks, he’ll be fine. I’m one of the weakest on
the team. It stings, thinking that but it fills him with hope, that most of his
teammates could fight someone off, especially Kuramochi.
“I don’t think you have to worry about Kuramochi,” Miyuki assures him, pulling
off his shirt.
“Yeah,” Eijun exhales, trying to regain the calm that Miyuki’s massage gave him
before the painful trek in the courtyard.
He stands awkwardly, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater. He still hasn’t
removed any clothes by the time Miyuki is wrapping a towel around his waist.
“Don’t look, ok?” He says, staring at his feet.
“Alright,” he turns his back and Eijun undresses with shaky hands, wrapping a
towel around himself higher than he normally would to hide the bruise on his
stomach from being kicked.
“Ready?” Miyuki asks without looking.
“Yeah,” he says, feeling nervous but Miyuki doesn’t look at him as he leads the
way into the baths.
Eijun chooses a shower station two away from Miyuki’s. Miyuki sets his glasses
aside to wash himself and Eijun feels a little better.
He tries not to think of his body as he washes it mechanically. It feels
strange, wrong, like he’s touching a stranger, being touched by a stranger as
he slides soap over his skin and shampoos his hair. He washes himself twice,
and rinses thoroughly but he still feels unclean. Miyuki had already gotten in
the bath before he’d finished his second wash and he doesn’t want to make him
wait so he rinses his shower station thoroughly, wondering if he should put a
sign up so no one else sits on the same unclean stool.
“Don’t look,” he repeats and the edge of the bath. Miyuki gives him an
unfocused disbelieving look before turning his head away.
He eyes Miyuki’s neatly folded glasses on the edge of the bath before folding
his towel and joining him, sinking into the hot water gratefully. He leans
against the back wall next to Miyuki, sinking down so only his face is above
water. The water steams around him and he relishes in the heat, it makes him
start to feel clean for the first time.
“Do you want another massage?” Miyuki interrupts the silence.
“H-here?” Eijun splutters, sitting up straighter.
“There’s no one else around. You got pretty tense on the way here.” Miyuki says
without a hint of joking.
“And I’ll get stiff on the way back too,” Eijun says honestly. “It’s the
courtyard, I…”
“I know,” Miyuki says, placing a hand on Eijun’s shoulder reassuringly.
“There’s nothing to be scared of now, you’re safe.”
“Yeah,” Eijun says and tries to feel that way.
“Do you want the massage or not?” Miyuki asks, running his thumb in circles on
Eijun’s shoulder.
“No. You’ll relax me too much and I’ll drown.” Eijun says seriously and Miyuki
laughs.
“I’d rescue you,” he smirks, scooting closer to Eijun, making butterflies set
to flight in his stomach.
Any response Eijun could have had is cut off by the door from the changing room
sliding open. They both scoot away from each other, leaving a more respectable
distance between them as Furuya and Haruichi enter the room.
“Ah, sorry,” Haruichi says, grabbing onto Furuya’s arm to stop him from going
further. Furuya looks at him with mild confusion. “We can come back if you
want.”
“No,” Eijun insists even though his heart pounds at the sight of them. “That’s
fine, come in.”
Eijun sinks back down to hide the bruise on his throat, trying to go back to
enjoying the water instead of thinking about the awkward silence. He thinks
about just leaving before they get in the bath, hoping they won’t see much of
him as he gets out of the bath and wraps the towel around himself but before he
knows it his fellow freshman are sliding into the water on the other side of
the bath.
He’s never felt awkward around either of his teammates, it feels almost painful
now.
“How long will you be gone?” Furuya asks, breaking the silence.
“Not sure,” Eijun says nervously. “A few weeks maybe?”
“That’s not that long,” Furuya says. “You’ll be back for winter training camp.”
“Yeah, of course,” Eijun says confidence growing.
“It’s supposed to be brutal,” Haruichi speaks up.
Miyuki laughs, setting Eijun at ease, even if it sounds a little sadistic. “You
freshman have no idea what you’re getting into.”
Eijun feels the awkwardness lift from the room like a fog as they fall into
easy conversation about the coming camp. He doesn’t feel awkward again until
they have to get out of the bath but Furuya and Haruichi are both busy drying
themselves when he gets out.
He feels safer in the group as they divert to the toilets to brush their teeth
in silence. He takes comfort in Furuya’s words. A few weeks and things will be
more normal. Chris said to take it a day at a time, he can do that. It’ll fly
by, he tries telling himself but he’s not as sure about that.
They stand outside room 5, Eijun shivering more from cold than anything as they
watch Haruichi make it to the stairs and Furuya enter his room further down the
row of dorms.
It went undiscussed but Eijun knows that Miyuki is spending the night in Eijun
and Kuramochi’s room. Kuramochi is already in bed playing a game on his phone
when they come in. He seems unsurprised when Miyuki changes into a pair of
Eijun’s sweatpants and turns off the light before slipping into Eijun’s bed.
Eijun rests his head on Miyuki’s chest, the comforting sound of his heart and
the heat from his body lulling him to sleep.
===============================================================================
 
He wakes hours later with a scream stuck in his raw throat, warm minty breath
on his neck.
“Eijun,” Miyuki says alarmed, “what is it?”
“Sawamura are you alright?” He hears the thud of Kuramochi jumping down from
his bed next to them.
Eijun gasps for air, clutching his chest as Kuramochi switches on the lights.
There’s no one else in the room, no one else in his bed, just Miyuki.
“Dream,” Eijun says trying to calm himself down although he knows that’s not
the entire reason for his panic. He felt it, his rapist’s hot minty smelling
breath on his neck but it must have been his imagination.
“You ok?” Kuramochi asks, eyes alert as he stands by the light switch.
“Yeah,” Eijun says weakly. “I’m fine.” Miyuki’s amber eyes search his
worriedly.
“Do you want the light on?” Kuramochi asks.
“No…maybe….” He trails off feeling childish. He hasn’t been scared of the dark
since he was a kid. “Maybe one of the desk lights. If it won’t bother
Kuramochi-senpai.”
“That’s fine,” Kuramochi runs a hand through his sleep tousled hair and does as
Eijun wants before pulling himself up on his bunk again.
Eijun lies on his back, feeling the sting of tears coming back to his eyes. It
was only a moment but in his mind he was back in the alley. The pain between
his legs feels fresh and he tries to calm himself.  
“You’re safe,” Miyuki whispers next to him, taking his hand under the covers.
Eijun squeezes his hand and Miyuki squeezes back.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
     Writing is hard. Thank you for bearing with me.
Eijun is already bored out of his mind, staring at the bottom of Kuramochi’s
bunk in the silent dorm room. He shifts restlessly, trying to get as
comfortable as possible while his breakfast churns unpleasantly in his stomach.
Miyuki and Kuramochi left for class an hour ago but time seems to have slowed
down, stretching one hour into what feels like several; an endless cycle of
fluffing pillows, sighing, and checking the time again.
He yawns, contemplating a nap already, wishing he could take it in class like
usual instead. He cringes, thinking of all eyes on his swollen and bruised face
and throat. Maybe being stuck in his room isn’t so bad; there are no awkward
questions to dance around, no curious eyes on him in the safety of the dorms.
He slept uneasily during the night, slipping in and out of the alley in his
dreams, Miyuki’s worried and tired face alert every time Eijun woke until he
gave up on sleep and watched the steady rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest,
Miyuki’s arm thrown over his eyes to compensate for the sleeping mask he left
in his own room; matching his own breathing to Miyuki’s until he felt calmer.
He wishes he had something to do to take his mind off of the aches in his body;
the press of the hand he can still feel on his throat, the burning pain between
his legs, the soreness in his body from struggling and failing, and the
headache from having a concussion but there’s nothing to do.
There are many people who would say emptying his mind shouldn’t be a problem,
but every time he tries to still his thoughts and relax the pain in his body is
more acute, the feelings he’s barely holding back bubbling to the surface
making him tremble, making him feel even less in control.
As a child he was always restless when confined to his bed for rest, impatient
to get outside and play with his friends, to play baseball, but this is
different. At least when he was ill he could read manga, watch TV, play video
games, no matter how bad he was at them. Now there’s nothing but pain, shame,
disgust, and the constant fear he tries to control.
Eijun has never been embarrassed about crying but he’d tried his best to hold
back last night, not wanting to bother Kuramochi and Miyuki too much, not
wanting to make them mad at him. His eyes still feel puffy and raw so he tries
to hold them back now too even with no one to be bothered by him. He doesn’t
want to spend more time crying but it’s hard when there’s nothing to do,
nothing to distract him, no one to tell him it’s going to be ok.
He rolls over and buries his face in his pillow. It still smells like Miyuki
and it makes his heart ache with the desire to have him there, to wrap his arms
around Eijun and comfort him, make him feel cared for, still desirable.
The silence in the room presses in on him, making him feel more alone, more
vulnerable. He remembers Kuramochi locking the door behind him but suddenly he
has to check to ease the paranoia that someone might come in, might come back.
He wipes the moisture from his eyes on his way to the door, the cold metal of
the door knob unmoving under his trembling hand.
He rests his head on the door for a moment, feeling silly for being so worried
over nothing. Still, the reassurance slows his racing heart some, lets him
relax a little more as he sits on the edge of his bed, wiping the sweat from
his forehead. He lies down, retrieving his mp3 player from near his pillow.
Loud noises make his headache worse, as he’d discovered that morning when
Kuramochi’s alarm went off, but the quiet music coming through his earbuds is
soothing as he closes his eyes and tries to make time go faster.  
The monotony is broken briefly when a cafeteria worker brings him lunch, the
soft knock making his heart race painfully long after she’s left the tray on
his desk and the door is safely locked again. He waits until his hands are
steady enough to hold his chopsticks before forcing himself to eat, the hard
seat of his desk chair uncomfortable but he doesn’t trust himself to not spill
everything on the floor if he moved his meal to his bed.
He’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with the cafeteria tray; if he’s
supposed to return it now or later, or wait for someone to come get it and the
question keeps him on edge for the rest of the afternoon. He can’t relax,
waiting for another knock on the door. He would just take it back himself, he
knows he can see the door to the cafeteria from his dorm room but fear keeps
him rooted in place. The situation is so ridiculous it makes him want to laugh
and cry.
By the time Kuramochi returns to the room after class Eijun is ready for him,
bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“Senpai I have to go to the bathroom,” Eijun blurts out before the door is
completely open.
Kuramochi tosses his bag on the floor and holds the door open.
“Hurry up then,” he says and Eijun is glad he doesn’t seem annoyed.
He feels weak and pathetic, not being able to walk to the toilets by himself in
broad daylight. He walks with his head down, quickly even though it pains him,
Kuramochi staying by his side without a word until Eijun bursts through the
doors of the toilets and into the nearest stall.
Feeling relieved and grateful for his patient senpai he tries his best to put
on a brave face on the way back to room 5. It’s easier with so many people
around, once he’s looked around to make sure that they’re all familiar.
“Sawamura, do you have a minute?” Kanemaru asks even though he must know the
answer. Kuramochi doesn’t leave Eijun’s side. “How are you?” His classmate
studies him carefully and Eijun regrets stopping.
Terrified, in pain, ashamed.
“Bored,” he says because it’s true and easier to admit.
Kanemaru looks surprised first and then a little amused, Eijun can see him bite
back what he wants to say, probably something like ‘wouldn’t you be bored in
class too?’
“Haruno-chan was asking about you,” Kanemaru blushes and Eijun starts to feel
light headed, his chest hurting and his throat constricting. He hadn’t thought
about any of the managers or classmates finding out about what happened to him.
“I told her you had a concussion and you’d be out for a while.” Eijun’s
shoulders sag with relief, some of the pressure letting up. “I’m sorry, was
that not right?” He continues in a rush, “Miyuki-senpai told us last night at
dinner to keep it down so we didn’t make your headache worse and it wasn’t
really a lie, I just didn’t know what to tell her and…”
Eijun shakes his head, cutting Kanemaru off. “No that was a good answer, thank
you for covering for me Kanemaru,” he bows stiffly.
“You don’t have to thank me, just get better ‘Wamura.” The nickname lightens
Eijun’s spirit and he grins even though it hurts his face. “I’ll help you with
the homework when you come back, ok? But I mean help; I’m not letting you
copy.”
That stops him from smiling. He hadn’t thought about that; he’s going to be at
least a week behind on school work on top of everything else and exams are
coming up. It makes him tired just thinking about having to catch up on
everything but the last thing he wants is to fall behind.
“That’s not that long.”
“I understand,” he says, trying his best to sound determined, to wrap his
rival’s words around himself for comfort.
“Come on,” Kuramochi knocks his shoulder into Eijun’s gently, or at least
gently for Kuramochi because it doesn’t knock Eijun over but it does make him
dizzy in his current state. “I’ve still gotta change for practice.”
Kanemaru gives a farewell, jogging up the stairs as Miyuki is coming down from
his room. He follows Kuramochi and Eijun into their room, sitting himself on
the bed next to Eijun and draping his arm around Eijun’s shoulders.
“Day one is almost over, how do you feel?” Miyuki asks.
Words stick in Eijun’s throat. He was miserable and lonely all day, has more
days of the same ahead of him but he doesn’t want to worry anyone. Kuramochi
pauses changing to look at him, waiting for him to respond. He wants to say
he’s fine but that would be a blatant lie.
“If you do fake shit like that we won’t know when you’re really better.”
Eijun remembers Kuramochi’s words and swallows, the silence dragging on too
long.
“It was difficult,” he says quietly and Miyuki pulls him closer. Kuramochi
turns around to continue changing.
“But you did it,” Miyuki strokes Eijun’s unbruised cheek softly. “I’ll be back
soon,” he says, the warmth in his eyes doing strange things to Eijun’s
heartbeat. “You know, you might be fully back at practice before me.”
Watching his captain and boyfriend mope on the sidelines of practice had been
hard, it was a relief when he could at least jog around the field for a while.
Never in his life though did Eijun think he would be joining him during his
remaining three week break from practice.
“You better both be back by winter training camp,” Kuramochi grumbles, buckling
his belt.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” Miyuki says, dropping his arm from Eijun’s shoulder and
following Kuramochi to the door.
“Be safe,” Eijun calls behind them, thinking of Miyuki running around the edge
of the field, walking back to the dorms early by himself.
They give their assurance they will but it does little to ease his worry
because Miyuki doesn’t know what Eijun does. His stomach twists with the sound
of the lock. Maybe he should tell Miyuki so he’ll be more careful.
The thought of talking about the attack makes him shake, remembering the press
of the wall on his cheek, rough hands, fear and pain. But if it would make
Miyuki be more caution, make him understand Eijun’s fear more than it would be
worth reliving the memories.
He lies down and tries to relax until Miyuki gets back but he’s too anxious. He
keeps a close watch on the time, willing it to go faster, feeling increasingly
worried when the time that Miyuki had been leaving practice comes around
finally.
He wants to go meet Miyuki, at least stand at the gate and wait for him but he
can’t bring himself to go. Miyuki is still injured, vulnerable and alone and
yet Eijun can’t move from his bed, paralyzed and suddenly unable to breathe,
panicked sobs wracking his shivering body as he tries to force air into his
lungs as he’s consumed with paranoia that something bad is going to happen to
Miyuki. He feels helpless and disgusted with himself for being so cowardly.
A knock on the door makes him lurch out of bed, desperate to see that Miyuki is
safe. He goes too fast, making himself dizzy as his head pounds. His eyes are
blurred with tears and he feels like he might throw up but he unlocks the door
and wrenches it open.
“Ka –” he cuts himself off, blinking in surprise because Miyuki isn’t alone.
“Ka-kataoka-kantoku,” he says, hand tightening his grip on the door. He wipes
his face, desperate to get rid of the tears and sweat and snot on his face,
desperate to not show his weakness.
He tries to pull himself together but the only thing keeping him on his feet is
his grip on the door.
“Sawamura, can we come in?” He sounds unfazed by Eijun’s distress.
Eijun nods, wiping his face again, moving out of the way and trying to get a
grip on himself. Miyuki is here, he’s safe. His fear was irrational but he
still feels jittery and distraught.
Kataoka enters the room, filling it with his presence. He looks out of place,
Eijun doesn’t remember ever seeing him come into a dorm room and suddenly he’s
nervous about why the coach is there.
Am I off the team? He thinks, in a panic, looking to Miyuki for a sign. Miyuki
is looking at Eijun with concern but that could just be because Eijun looks
like a mess. Miyuki takes Eijun gently by the arm and guides him to sit on the
bed. He looks hesitant before sitting next to Eijun, a respectable distance
between them. 
“I wanted to give you the news myself, and my apology.” Kataoka bows. “I’m
sorry. This never should have happened.  The school bears responsibility.” He
sounds angry and Eijun’s shivering comes back. Miyuki puts a hand on his back.
Kataoka stands straight again, leveling his intense gaze on Eijun.
“The school will be installing cameras around the dorms and hiring a security
guard to watch the gate. In the spring we’ll review our policy on spectators at
practices.”
He pauses to let Eijun absorb the information. He nods, feeling relieved that
he’s not being kicked off the team.
“Even with those changes, I understand if you don’t want to remain at Seidou.”
He sounds less angry now and Eijun realizes his anger must not be directed at
himself. “Are you going to stay, Sawamura?”  
Eijun’s throat constricts but he forces out a “yes, sir.”
“Good,” Kataoka says. “We’ll need your pitching in the spring. When the doctor
gives you permission you can rejoin practice.”
Eijun nods and Kataoka excuses himself, leaving Eijun and Miyuki sitting on the
bed. Eijun wonders if Kataoka will want his sunglasses back after Eijun has
touched them. Miyuki rubs Eijun’s back. He can feel Miyuki’s eyes on him, and
tears rise unbidden to his eyes again.   
“What happened Eijun? Your face when you opened the door…”
Eijun wraps his arms around Miyuki, hiding his face in Miyuki’s shoulder.
Miyuki holds him, rubbing his back as Eijun tries to get a hold of himself,
trembling against Miyuki’s body.
“I don’t want him to get you.”
Miyuki’s hand stops rubbing Eijun’s back for a moment.
“What do you mean?”
“He said…” Eijun takes a deep breath, willing himself to stop shaking, to stop
feeling himself pressed against a cold hard wall instead of Miyuki’s warmth.
“He said if I didn’t…he said he’d do it to you or – or Harucchi so I – I
stopped fighting but…” he gasps into Miyuki’s neck, feeling himself coming
apart. “What if I wasn’t enough and he comes back for you?”
Miyuki’s hands stop moving. He tightens his grip on Eijun, squeezing him
painfully.
“Too tight,” Eijun squirms, suddenly feeling trapped. He has to remind himself
who’s holding him.
“Sorry,” Miyuki says quietly and loosens his hold. “I’m sorry Eijun.” He
strokes Eijun’s hair, pressing his face close to Eijun’s. “You’re really brave,
you know that right?”
Eijun sobs, shaking his head.
“Not,” he heaves, gripping Miyuki’s shirt in his fists. “I’m not.”
“You are,” Miyuki insists. “I like that about you.”
Eijun didn’t think it was possible to cry harder but he proves himself wrong.
He’s a coward.
“I couldn’t leave the room,” he rasps through his tight throat. “I couldn’t
move. To make sure you were safe.”
“It’s ok.” Miyuki wedges his hand between their bodies, placing his hand over
Eijun’s heart. “It doesn’t change this.”
Eijun’s heart goes wild against Miyuki’s hand.
“Can I look at you?”
Eijun is still trembling, barely holding himself together. He probably looks as
bad as he feels but he slowly pulls away, looking Miyuki in the face. He looks
pained too as he cups Eijun’s face and thumbs away the trail of tears.
“Being brave doesn’t mean you don’t feel fear.” He sounds so certain that Eijun
finds himself nodding. “Things are going to be hard for a while but you’re
going to be alright. This isn’t going to break you.”
Eijun’s lip starts to quiver. He already feels broken.
“You’re determined and strong and if you feel yourself falling I’m here to get
you back up.” Miyuki wipes the fresh tears off Eijun’s face. “Me and Kuramochi
and Chris-senpai and everyone else. You still want to pitch, right?”
Eijun nods again, a storm of emotions brewing in his chest.
“We’ll get you back on the mound, together.”
The resolve and intensity in Miyuki’s eyes is contagious, filling Eijun with
true hope for the first time.
“Yeah,” his voice is steady and Miyuki gives a relieved sigh. “That was quite a
rousing speech. You’re getting better, captain.”
“Too bad I can’t end all my speeches like this…” and then he’s leaning forward
slowly, still holding the same intensity. Eijun’s heart pounds and he turns his
face slightly. Miyuki kisses his cheek gently.
“Sorry,” Eijun avert his eyes, heart heavy again.
“Don’t be,” Miyuki strokes his warm face.
“He kissed me.” Eijun blurts.
“I know.”
“What if he gave me something? Some mouth disease?”
“You mean herpes? That’s permanent, there’s no cure.” Eijun looks at Miyuki,
panicked, but Miyuki seems calm. “I’d get it eventually anyway. Unless…” he
looks uncertain for the first time, letting go of Eijun’s face. “Unless you
don’t want to kiss me anymore.”
“No, I do want to,” Eijun says quickly, focusing on Miyuki’s face. His
uncertainty melts away as a blush rises to his face.
“It was too soon, I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry Eijun.”
“No,” Eijun grips Miyuki’s shoulders tightly. “You’re my boyfriend and I want
to kiss you. I…” his voice waivers a little and he tries to summon up the
determination he had before. “I don’t want that to have been my last kiss. I
want to feel Kazuya’s lips on me instead.”
“It doesn’t have to be now, it can wait. I was being an idiot and -”
Eijun shakes his head. “I…I don’t want to makeout or anything but this will
help. I think. I hope. Just, let me try.”
He takes Miyuki’s face in his hands. He’s warm and growing warmer the longer
Eijun looks at him. He licks his lips; they’re chapped and he hopes Miyuki
won’t mind. He leans in and presses his lips to Miyuki’s gently. He’s warm and
smells like sweat and crisp November air. He tastes like the Pocari Sweat he
drank after running.
It reminds Eijun of their first kiss, awkward and innocent, before they knew
what they were doing, before they knew the details of each other’s bodies. It
feels strange, like they took a step back, like they're starting over.

It's a good place to start. He pulls back with a smile on his face, feeling
like he accomplished something, feeling relieved that Miyuki still wants to
kiss. He rests his forehead against Miyuki’s and closes his eyes, feeling
content.
They have the rest of the time until practice is over together. Eijun can’t
help being nervous when Miyuki goes to his room to change and get his homework,
but the knowledge that the security guard is already on the grounds eases the
worst of his fears and he’s relieved when Miyuki comes back with an armful of
clothes in addition to his homework.
“I told Kimura I’d be sleeping in here for a while, to help you guys out,”
Miyuki explains. “He understands.”
Miyuki does his homework at Eijun’s desk, Eijun feeling a little creepy staring
at his boyfriend’s back so long but there’s nothing else to do other than
listen to music. He doesn’t feel lonely or scared with Miyuki in the room.
By the time Kuramochi returns they’re lying on Eijun’s bed, holding hands and
sharing Eijun’s earbuds. Usually Kuramochi would make fun of them for that but
he lets it slide.
Eijun relaxes more as the evening goes on, enjoying the normalcy of Kuramochi
and Miyuki bickering over homework, his loneliness throughout the day forgotten
as he melts into the bed, Miyuki tucked against him.
Chris brings him dinner again, sitting with him and congratulating him on
making it through the day, making Eijun’s chest swell with pride even though he
still doesn’t have much of an appetite.
He still has trouble outside of his dorm room, the walk to and from the bath
full of fear but with Miyuki beside him he relaxes in the bath, only mildly
uncomfortable when Haruichi, Furuya, and Kuramochi join them.
He gets a few peaceful hours of sleep, due mostly to the massage Miyuki gives
him, before the nightmares have him sitting up in a cold sweat, heart pounding
as Miyuki tries to comfort him.
It’s with a sense of déjà vu that he finds himself staring at the bottom of
Kuramochi’s bunk, tired, restless, and lonely. He puts his earbuds in his ears
and hopes this day goes faster than the last.
When Miyuki joins him after practice Eijun is crying.
“What is it?” Miyuki asks, crawling into bed beside Eijun.
“I just want to everything to be normal,” Eijun sniffles into his partner’s
chest. “I don’t want to be stuck in this room. I just want to play baseball.”
“I know,” Miyuki rubs Eijun’s back. He can feel Miyuki’s breath against his
hair. “Me too.”
===============================================================================
Eijun is having a hard time holding onto hope. Parts of his body feel like
they’re healing, but overall he’s starting to feel numb. He wants to move his
legs but when he stands they feel wobbly and uncoordinated. His arms feel
heavy. When Kuramochi finds him doing Mae-Ken stretches he scolds him and tells
him he’s supposed to be resting, after he takes him to the bathroom.
There’s no denying he feels trapped yet every time he’s outside of his room
he’s filled with fear. It frustrates and confuses him and he can’t relax even
with Miyuki wrapped around him.
“I’m not alone,” Kuramochi’s voice sounds from the other side of the door and
they part, sitting on the edge of Eijun’s bed.
“Hey,” Kanemaru steps into the room after Kuramochi, looking mildly confused as
his eyes sweep over the room until he sees Eijun and Miyuki sitting next to
each other on the bed. “I uh…sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting…”
“Not at all,” Miyuki says stiffly and the room lapses into awkward silence as
Eijun’s brain turns, trying to figure out what just happened.
“Did you want to talk about something or…” Miyuki trails off.
“I have something for Sawamura,” he riffles around in his bag and Eijun perks
up, interest peaked, awkwardness forgotten.
“Here,” he hands Eijun a CD.
“Thanks!” He studies the disc. “What is it?”
“I told Haruno-chan you were bored and uh,” he shifts awkwardly, not making eye
contact with anyone in the room as his face grows red. “She had this idea that
since you couldn’t read you might like to listen to a manga.”
“How do you listen to a manga?” Kuramochi looks at his kohai skeptically.
“She sort of wrote out a script and we reenacted the story. It’s stupid, you
don’t have to listen to it but she thought it might cheer you up.”
“Shoujo?” Eijun asks hopefully.
“Of course,” Kanemaru looks at him like he’s stupid for thinking it would be
anything else.
“Are you the love interest?” He smirks when Kanemaru blushes again.
“Of course, did you think I’d be the girl?” His eyes flicker between Eijun and
Miyuki and he blushes deeper. “Toujou, Haruichi, and Furuya helped too.”
“Really?” The smirk drops from his face and he’s filled with fondness for his
fellow first years. He holds the CD to his chest. “Thank you Kanemaru.”
“You’re welcome. Everyone worked hard on it so you better not make fun of us.”
Eijun nods seriously.
“Alright then. I’m uh, I’m going now. See you around, Kuramochi-senpai, Miyuki-
senpai,” he backs out of the room bowing awkwardly.
Kuramochi and Miyuki are having one of their silent conversations they have
sometimes but Eijun ignores them, cradling his gift.
“Hey should I listen to it now?”
Miyuki breaks the silent conversation to look at him.
“Maybe you should save it for tomorrow so you have something to look forward
to.”
Eijun nods. “That’s very wise captain, good idea. I wonder what kind of story
it is.”
“A love story,” Miyuki says, wrapping an arm around Eijun. “It’s shoujo, aren’t
they all the same?”
“No, no, no,” Eijun shakes his head. “How naive. They’re all different. I hope
it has a happy ending.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He feels Miyuki’s eyes on him and he looks at his boyfriend questioningly.
“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine. Right, Kuramochi?”
“Yeah, fine,” Kuramochi grumbles, finishing changing out of his uniform. “I’ll
be back in a bit.”
“Thanks,” Miyuki calls after him, confusing Eijun more.
“Wha-”
“I said you don’t have to worry,” Miyuki lies back down, tugging gently on
Eijun’s shirt. “Now come here and tell me about your favorite shoujo manga.”
Eijun is all too eager to oblige, propping himself up on an elbow, his other
arm wrapped around Miyuki as he lays the groundwork for the greatest love story
ever told.
Or at least he thought it was the greatest love story ever told but the story
on the CD Kanemaru gave him is also great. He starts listening to it the moment
Miyuki and Kuramochi leave for class.
It has everything; romance, drama, comedy, and he finds himself lost in the
story. Kanemaru is a surprisingly good love interest, if a little gruff, and
Haruno’s hesitance seems to melt away as the CD goes on and she gains more
confidence. Haruichi is an excellent narrator and Toujou shows impressive range
voicing several side characters. By the time the zoo scene rolls around Eijun
had forgot Furuya was also involved until he hears the pitcher make a variety
of animal sounds. He has to pause the CD because he laughs too hard.
He listens to it twice by himself and once with Miyuki, who looks amusedly at
Eijun whenever he quotes his favorite parts along with the performance.
When he runs into Kanemaru in the baths that night he seems slightly
embarrassed as Eijun rushes over to tell him how much he enjoyed his present.
“Good, good. I’ll give you part two tomorrow.”
“There’s a part two? OSH!”
Kanemaru winces. “Hey, I’m glad your voice is coming back but you don’t have to
yell.”
“Ah, sorry.” Eijun’s hand goes to his throat to feel.
It still feels sensitive but most of the pain is gone. He hadn’t noticed. He
apologizes again before finding a corner to undress in, becoming aware of his
body for the first time that day. He feels much more loose and relaxed. His
visits to the bathroom had been tense but as soon as he’d seen Kanemaru he
forgot to be afraid, flooded with excitement instead.
Miyuki waits for him before leaving the changing room. Haruichi and Furuya are
already in the bath this time and even though he still feels self-conscious and
nervous being so exposed in front of people he can’t help but smile.
“I listened to your performances,” he says, trying to choose a shower station
where he’ll have the most privacy.
“We heard, you were pretty loud Eijun-kun,” Haruichi sounds amused, smiling at
his nails.
“Noisy,” Furuya echoes, resting his head against the back wall of the bath and
resting his eyes.
More relaxed now that it’s clear that neither of them are going to gawk at him
he sets about washing himself.
“I thought it was good, especially Harucchi. If baseball doesn’t work out maybe
you could do voice work.”
“I think I’ll stick to baseball.”
“Yeah well Furuya doesn’t have a choice, his animal noises were awful.” He
chances a glance at his rival. He still has his eyes closed but he’s frowning.
“Except his bear noise wasn’t that bad.”
Furuya looks pleased.
“What happens in part two?”
“Haruno-chan made us promise not to spoil it.”
Eijun stops himself from begging, deciding it’s better to have something else
to look forward to.
Part two does not disappoint him. Even Miyuki and Kuramochi seem taken in as
they listen with him.
“Wait, is that it?” Kuramochi asks at the end.
“Yeah,” Eijun sighs, nuzzling Miyuki’s chest, listening to the steady beat of
his heart.
“But what happens next? Are they going to kiss finally or what?”
“I don’t know, Kanemaru said the next volume doesn’t come out until next
month.”
Kuramochi gives an irritated “tch”, jumping down from his bunk.
“Don’t pout Kuramochi-senpai, just enjoy the romance.”
“I’d enjoy stra-” he starts but stops. Miyuki’s heartrate increases.
“Enjoy what senpai?” Eijun asks, confused at Kuramochi’s stiff demeanor.
“Nothing. You guys want drinks?”
“Juice.”
“The same please senpai,” Eijun says, holding down the shiver he has every time
he thinks of the vending machines. He hasn’t been back there and he doesn’t
plan on it, although he knows that’s not reasonable; he’s going to have to go
back sometime before he leaves Seidou unless he plans on making every freshman
roommate he has his goffer like Kuramochi did to him but then they might…
“You seem to be feeling better,” Miyuki breaks him out of his morbid train of
thought.
“Yeah,” Eijun smiles. “Having something to do helps. It stops me from thinking
too much or being bored.”
“I’m glad. How’s your headache?”
“It comes and goes.”
“You’re still having nightmares.” Miyuki strokes Eijun’s hair.
“Yeah…it helps having you here though.”
Miyuki makes a noise of satisfaction, his heart under Eijun’s ear beating
faster.
“What about you? How are you?” He asks, gently stroking Miyuki’s side.
“I’m fine.”
Eijun props himself up to look at Miyuki better. “Are you really though?”
“Yes.”
Eijun studies his boyfriends face.
“Really? Fine in mind, body, and soul?”
Miyuki looks up at Eijun, mask slowly giving way to hesitation.
“Winter training is essential. It’s the base for your strength in the spring
and summer but we’re both going to be behind. I know we can catch up but it’s
frustrating…”
“Yeah,” Eijun agrees, guilt turning his stomach. “Miyuki Kazuya always has a
plan and this wasn’t part of it. I’m sor-” he clamps his mouth shut to stop
himself from apologizing. Miyuki’s hand reaches up to cup Eijun’s unbruised
cheek.
“The most important part of the plan is to stay together and that part’s fine
right?”
Eijun looks down at Miyuki’s blushing face and nods, not trusting himself to
speak. He leans down slowly, Miyuki’s eyes widening in surprise and his hand
falling away. By the time Eijun’s lips press against his eyes are shut.
It’s slow and sweet and Miyuki lets Eijun take the lead, not adding anymore
pressure, only returning what Eijun gives him.
“I like that plan,” Eijun says, pulling away. Miyuki’s eyes slide open slowly
and the look he gives Eijun makes his stomach flip.
“Good,” his voice sounds husky; it sends an electric shiver down Eijun’s spine,
Miyuki’s intense gaze rooting him in place.
Kuramochi breaks the spell coming back in with their drinks. He takes a look at
their guilty faces and glares at Miyuki even though Eijun is leaning over him.
Eijun takes his drink and presses it to his face, cooling himself off. It was
the first time he’s felt desire since the attack. It makes his stomach twist
nervously but he’s glad he felt it. Picking up from where they left off doesn’t
seem likely, not when being naked makes him feel so vulnerable and changing his
clothes makes him nauseous but that will change in time, at least he hopes it
does. He hopes Miyuki is patient enough to wait.
===============================================================================
The rest of the week seems to melt away rapidly and soon Eijun is joining
everyone for breakfast and dinner in the dining hall. He wears Kataoka’s
borrowed sunglasses to shade his eyes from the harsh fluorescent lights but
sound isn’t a problem; it’s only a surprise to Eijun that he’s the source of
most of the loud noises at meals. His teammates give him worried glances
occasionally but they seem to be mostly normal. Talk mostly revolves around
upcoming exams and winter training, except among those who have listened to
Kanemaru’s CD which seems to be circulating among the team.
He’s even looking forward to going back to class, free from the confines of the
dorms, but first he needs permission from the doctor.
Takashima takes him alone, his preference even though he saw the look of hurt
on Miyuki’s face.
He breaks into a cold sweat on the exam table, cold and shivering in the
hospital gown. The doctor is the same as before and she brings in Nurse Tanaka
to help her. Eijun is grateful for the kind, familiar faces but everything
reminds me of the last time he was at the hospital.
The exam is brief but draining. He nods numbly as the doctor informs him that
he’ll be contacted with the results of his first round of STD tests.
 Now he has more tests to worry about passing and no amount of studying will
help him.
He has permission to go back to classes with the caveat that if he feels his
headache returning or his focus too unclear he needs to tell a teacher.
“What about baseball practice?” He asks nervously.
“Stay away from activities that could damage your head but if you’re feeling
better you can try running at least. Don’t push yourself though,” the doctor
gives him a serious look. “I know how you athletes are. Your body is still
healing but modest exercise is good for your mind. It will help you sleep.”
That perks Eijun up. He could use plenty of help sleeping.
“I’m writing that down and giving it to your coach’s,” she says, looking at him
distrustfully.
He nods. He’s not good at doing anything in moderation but he’ll try his best
not to push himself.
Chris-senpai wouldn’t approve, he tells himself.
When Takashima drops him off at the gate there are a number of his teammates
waiting for him. He tries his best to smile for them even though he feels
awkward as they greet him, eager for news. Takashima relays the news,
emphasizing that he shouldn’t overwork himself.
“I’m beat guys,” Eijun says trying to keep his voice light, “I just want to
take a bath and go to bed.”
“Of course,” Maezono says. “Clear a path for him, don’t crowd him, move along
everyone,” he shoos people away, his unnecessarily loud voice only bothering
Eijun a little bit.
“See you at practice Sawamura,” Chris says as Eijun passes him. The thought of
Chris helping him again lifts his spirit.
Miyuki and Kuramochi fall into step beside him as he heads for room 5.
He’s truly exhausted from the exam, the feelings of being dirty strong so he
spends extra time scrubbing himself before climbing into the bath, his stomach
churning uncomfortably from all the people already in the bath this time.
When he climbs into bed his limbs feel stiff until Miyuki’s fingers work out
the knots.
He rolls over with a sigh of gratitude. His boyfriend can catch for him, cook,
and give world class massages. He feels lucky as Miyuki settles in bed with
him, pulling the blanket over the both of them.
“I get to run with you tomorrow,” Eijun says sleepily, pressing his forehead
against Miyuki’s. “If I can keep up.”
“I won’t let you fall behind, partner.”
The last thing Eijun sees before he closes his eyes is a warm pair of amber
eyes full of promises.  
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm sorry this took so long, thank you all for your patience and kind
     words, I'll try not to take so long next time. I've appreciated the
     reviews and messages so much. Special thanks to Sage for betaing this
     chapter and putting up with me, also Kat, Niki, Allie, and Io. Check
     out the fanart Io drew!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Eijun has spent most of the last ten days avoiding mirrors, but on Monday
morning he finds himself in front of one, strangely fascinated in a detached
way by the stranger looking back at him. The bruises on his cheek and throat
are mostly faded, adding a sickly tinge to the rest of his unusually sallow
skin; a stark contrast to the dark lines under his eyes. His hair sticks to his
sweaty forehead, the remnants of waking in a cold sweat, a scream on his
tongue.
How can Kazuya even stand to look at me?
“Eijun-kun, are you alright?”
He almost jumps, his trance broken by Haruichi staring at him with concern. At
least, he thinks it’s concern under Haruichi’s fringe.
“Yeah, fine,” Eijun says, leaning down and washing his face with cold water to
avoid more scrutiny. He stands up, face dripping on his t-shirt.
“Here,” Haruichi hands him a towel. He takes it gratefully, drying his face
longer than usual, leaving his face in it when Haruichi asks: “Are you ready to
go back to class?”
“Yeah,” Eijun says, his words muffled by the scratchy fabric.
“Eijun-kun…” His friend sounds hesitant and worried and it makes Eijun grit his
teeth.
Mornings are becoming his least favorite time of day. He gets out of bed
exhausted and immediately has to confront the place where his nightmares start,
every step toward the bathroom twisting his gut and making him shake. The
comfort of having Miyuki beside him when he wakes is dulled by his partner’s
tired eyes, guilt stabbing at him even when Miyuki smiles softly and whispers a
‘good morning’, burying his face in Eijun’s neck with a yawn.
“You’re in the way.”
Eijun does jump this time, the towel falling from his hands as he glares into
the mirror at the reflection of his rival standing behind him. He grabs the
towel out of the sink before whirling on Furuya.
“There are plenty of other sinks, use another one!” He shouts, a muffled ‘shut
up Bakamura’ coming from the bathroom stall with Kuramochi in it.
“But you’re done with this one,” Furuya levels his gaze at him and Eijun moves
out of the way to deposit his used towel in a bin.
“No one…will stop you…if you’re not…ready for…class yet,” Furuya says in
between splashing his face.
“It’s true, Eijun-kun. You shouldn’t push yourself,” Haruichi agrees. “If
you’re not ready, Takashima-san will get you excused.”
Eijun shakes his head. The thought of spending any more time alone in his dorm
room makes him want to scream; he’s memorized every line of the drama CD and
he’s bored of all his music; he just wants his life to go back to normal.
“I won’t let you skip practice though,” Furuya says, tossing his own towel into
the bin next to Eijun.
“He won’t be allowed to practice if he’s not going to class.” Miyuki joins them
at the sinks, washing his hands. “Rei-chan wouldn’t allow it.”
“I’m going.” Eijun flexes his left hand. He wonders when he’ll be allowed to
pitch. There shouldn’t be much risk of head injury in the bullpen, so maybe
Miyuki…his eyes dart over to his boyfriend guiltily. He almost forgot that
there’s more than one reason Miyuki hasn’t been catching for him.
He falls in with the others on their way to breakfast; his heartbeat picks up
again in the courtyard even though he’s safe among his teammates, knows there
are cameras around him and can see the security guard reading the morning paper
at the school gate.
Back to practice means back to Seidou’s mandatory three bowls of rice, and
Eijun is reminded somewhat nostalgically of his first week at Seidou. The only
difference is that he’s the only one struggling.
Kanemaru keeps an eye on him from down the table, telling him he needs it to
regain his strength when it looks like he might give up. What strength, he
can’t help thinking, chewing miserably while Furuya burns across from him,
chewing with determination and purpose like he’s trying to show Eijun how it’s
done.
He feels uncomfortably full following Kuramochi back to their dorm to change,
the rest of the first string players who had stayed in solidarity filling out
of the dining hall after them. It seems like a long time since he’s worn his
school uniform, and it feels bigger than he remembers.
The walk to school feels like freedom.
In class he tries to stay focused, sitting straight backed and attentive even
though the seat is hard and uncomfortable. When he entered the classroom there
had been a group of girls, his shoujo manga reading buddies, who had greeted
him enthusiastically; luckily they had all assumed baseball had been the cause
of his concussed absence. Eijun tries not to think about how that’s not too far
from the truth.
There are plenty of curious looks from classmates at first. He tries his best
not to flinch under their gazes, but once the lesson starts, their focus shifts
away from him. The lesson isn’t very interesting, but exams are approaching, so
everyone concentrates on the teacher.
Eijun tries his best to keep up, but paying attention in class has never been
his strong suit. Every time his mind wanders he reminds himself sharply that he
has a week’s worth of homework to do, that if he doesn’t pass his exams he’ll
have to make them up and miss more practice.
He refuses to fall behind.
By lunch time, his brain feels fried from trying to focus, his exhaustion
making him start to nod off as he picks at his lunch, even while Kanemaru tries
to catch him up on their math lessons. He takes the opportunity to stretch his
legs, waving Kanemaru off when he offers to go to the bathroom with him,
ignoring the whispering of some of their classmates.
People glance at him briefly in the hallway but don’t pay much attention to
him. To anyone who doesn’t know what happened, he just looks like a stressed
out student right before exams. It feels refreshing to be around people who
don’t know, didn’t see with their own eyes. As much as his teammates have been
supporting him, it’s obvious that they’re still thinking about what they saw,
are still being cautious around him just as he’s cautious around them. He hopes
seeing him in class and practice will help them see him normally; he hopes it
will make him feel normal.
The short bathroom break makes him feel more awake. He walks back to his
classroom proud that he went somewhere by himself for the first time, even if
it wasn’t somewhere in the dorms. Outside his classroom, a group of first and
second year girls is gathered, giggling and whispering and blocking the door.
“Excuse me,” Eijun clears his throat and they part for him, closing the gap
they made as soon as he’s through. He doesn’t understand what could possibly
have drawn them there until he spots the people sitting around his desk. He
blushes.
“Oi, Sawamura, come finish your lunch,” Kuramochi barks at him, and Eijun
slides into his seat.
There’s not a lot of room with four people sitting at his desk, everyone’s
dining hall bentos pushed in the middle and feet touching awkwardly. Eijun
tucks his feet under his chair for safety after someone steps on him.
“Sorry,” Kanemaru says quickly.
“Don’t worry about it. How’s class?” Miyuki asks, splitting one of his
croquettes in half and putting it in Eijun’s bento.
“Fine. It could be worse, you know?” Eijun says, occupying himself with his
lunch.
“Anyone give you any shit?” Kuramochi glares around the classroom.
“No, Kuramochi-senpai, please don’t scare my classmates with your face.”
“Hey, you,” Kuramochi reaches across the desk to grab his shirt and Eijun
instantly recoils with a yelp, closing his eyes and slapping his hand over his
mouth when he realizes he made a sound. His heart pounds in his chest and he
can’t help shaking a little.
It’s Kuramochi-senpai, he reminds himself, he wouldn’t hurt me.
“Shit,” Kuramochi curses quietly. “I’m sorry, Sawamura, I wasn’t thinking
and—damn it, Miyuki, let go of me.”
Eijun’s eyes open quickly to see Miyuki let go of Kuramochi’s wrist. Miyuki
looks just as shaken as Eijun feels.  
“Sorry,” Eijun says behind his hand, trying to compose himself and slow his
racing heart. The classroom is mostly empty, students usually choosing to eat
elsewhere, but he can feel people staring at them, more than just the group of
girls at the door.
“It’s my damn fault.” Kuramochi is quiet and serious, holding Eijun’s gaze even
though he wants to look away, flee the scene and never have a roomful of
curious eyes on him again. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
Eijun nods, taking his hand away from his mouth and picking up his chopsticks
because it’s easier than arguing. The atmosphere feels tense and he wishes he
wasn’t the source of it.
“Damnit, Miyuki, stop looking at me like that, I said I was sorry.”
Eijun almost recoils again. He’s only seen Miyuki angry a couple of times, and
even if it’s not directed at him this time, it still scares him. Miyuki takes a
deep breath and lets it out in a sigh before his face relaxes and he goes back
to his bento.
Eijun’s heart is still racing, but he tries to do the same. The adrenaline and
shame don’t help his appetite any, but he makes himself eat, chatter from the
other students in the room filling in the awkward silence surrounding his desk.
He knew Kuramochi wasn’t going to hurt him, but he couldn’t help himself. His
body reacted instantly with fear. However much he wants things to go back to
normal, they can’t if he can’t control himself. Kuramochi might start treating
him differently; he’s already been nicer and gentler since the attack. It’s
only a matter of time until Kuramochi gets tired of it and doesn’t want to be
around him anymore. He shakes again but he refuses to cry and embarrass himself
more—it will only chase people away faster.
“S-so about the homework,” Kanemaru breaks the silence, though he looks like he
wishes he hadn’t when everyone looks at him. “I’ll help you after practice.”
“You have a lot to catch up on,” Miyuki says. “When we get back to the room
I’ll help you get started.”
Kuramochi gives Miyuki a sharp look that Eijun doesn’t understand. The look
only grows more irritated as Miyuki ignores it.  
“You don’t need to push yourself too hard,” Kanemaru says, ignoring the one-
sided stare down happening at the cramped desk. “You’ve never had great grades,
you just need to pass.”
Eijun nods in agreement. No one has ever held him to high academic standards,
not even his parents, so there’s no reason to start now. He just needs to
scrape by so he’s not stuck doing make-up tests when he should be at practice.
“I won’t fall behind,” Eijun promises. He says it a little too forcefully, but
it snaps Kuramochi out of his glaring. “I know I’m not smart, but I can pass.”
“I wouldn’t normally advocate low expectations, but in this case it’s your best
option,” Kanemaru says. “Tutoring you and Furuya is going to be the death of
me,” he adds under his breath.
“Think of all the extra review you get in tutoring the idiot pitchers,” Miyuki
snickers. “By the time you graduate, you’ll have the best grades in your
class.”
Kanemaru groans and the tension around the desk seems to lessen for the rest of
lunch, even if Kuramochi still gives Miyuki an occasional, serious look.
“I’ll meet you by your shoe locker,” Miyuki says on his way out of Eijun’s
classroom, the girls near the door disappearing in a cloud of giggles.
“Does that bother you?” Kanemaru asks quietly.
“Does what bother me?”
“You know.…” He blushes, and Eijun really doesn’t know. “The girls that follow
Miyuki-senpai around. They show up every time he has lunch here.”
“Why would that bother me? He comes to see me, not them.”
They stare at each other in surprise until the implication sinks in, and Eijun
blushes just as hard as Kanemaru.
“How did you…?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Kanemaru says quickly. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“Th-thanks.” Eijun shifts uncomfortably. “It’s not because… you know… we were
together before that.”
“I figured,” Kanemaru says, and Eijun relaxes a little. He really doesn’t like
the thought of people connecting the two events. “And uh, it’s fine. I mean, I
don’t think any differently about you guys. What you do in private isn’t
anyone’s business, right?”
“...Kanemaru!” Eijun bursts into tears, and Kanemaru looks panicked. “You’re a
really nice guy,” he sniffles, trying to talk quieter as confused students
filter back into the classroom.
“Okay, okay, stop crying though. Miyuki-senpai and Kuramochi-senpai might kill
me if they find out I made you cry.”
Eijun nods, wiping his tears away as the teacher comes in and Kanemaru goes
back to his seat.
Eijun concentrates extra hard on the rest of his lessons that day. He doesn’t
want to drag anyone down, especially Kanemaru after he was so nice. He needs to
try harder so he won’t be such a burden on his teammates.
At the end of the day, Eijun’s homeroom teacher pulls him aside and gives him a
stack of homework. The amount isn’t as daunting as Eijun thought it would be as
he thumbs through it.
“Kataoka-sensei and Takashima-sensei both talked to me.” Eijun’s back goes
rigid, but there’s nothing on his teacher’s face to show he knows what
happened. “They asked me to see if your work could be condensed into a lighter
load. I wouldn’t normally do something like that—some teachers already take it
easier on you athletes anyway—but with exams coming up, I agreed. You’ll be
taking the same test as everyone else, though. Understand, Sawamura-kun?”
“Yes, absolutely!” Eijun says a little too loudly. “I’ll study hard and pass my
tests.”
His teacher stares at him, and Eijun doesn’t know what he’s looking for, but he
must be satisfied, because he sighs and nods.
“How are you feeling? Any headaches or problems concentrating? More than usual,
I mean.”
“No sir, I’m fine!” He bows and his teacher dismisses him.
He never thought school would be a place of comfort, but he feels better in the
familiar building, the distraction of schoolwork welcome instead of an annoying
obstacle to more time on the field. With the exception of his small panic at
lunch, he felt safer and calmer in class than isolated in his room. Even the
homework he has to catch up on is a relief, something mundane to occupy himself
with.
Miyuki is waiting for him alone, and it makes Eijun’s heart flutter even though
he just saw him a few hours ago. Miyuki takes Eijun’s bag while he changes his
shoes and doesn’t give it back when Eijun holds out his hand.
“Shouldn’t I be the one to carry the bags, senpai?”
“Really?” Miyuki chuckles, leading Eijun away from the school building.
“Usually if I ask you to carry my bag you tell me I’m abusing my senpai
privileges and I’m a selfish, inconsiderate catcher putting undue strain on a
pitcher.”
“I never said all that.” Eijun shoves his hands in his pockets.
“No, you’re right, you shouted it,” Miyuki grins at him. “Except for the week
after the fall tournament. Then you tried to wrestle my bag away from me.” He
snickers, and Eijun scowls at the memory of Kuramochi putting him in a headlock
and yelling at him.
“I was just trying to help,” Eijun justifies and Miyuki gives him a pointed
look. “Oh… thanks. You can be kind of nice sometimes, Miyuki Kazuya.”
Miyuki scoffs.
“Thanks for checking on me at lunch, too. You didn’t have to.”
“That would make me a shitty boyfriend if I didn’t. Kuramochi was worried,
too.”
Eijun studies Miyuki’s face for any sign of tension when he mentions Kuramochi,
but he doesn’t see any.
“Maybe we can have lunch somewhere else tomorrow; your desk was crowded.”
Eijun agrees. Somewhere away from the prying eyes of the Miyuki Kazuya Fan Club
and Eijun’s classmates, so he doesn’t have to worry about any more embarrassing
incidents drawing attention to him.
“I think I might try staying the whole practice,” Eijun says.
“Are you sure? You’ve been inactive for a while, Eijun. It’s ok to ease
yourself back in. I’ll leave when you do, and we can walk back together.”
It’s a tempting offer, especially when he’s already exhausted; the thought of
falling into bed and relaxing with Miyuki is almost enough to sway him, but he
can’t. He needs to get back to his best condition as soon as possible if he
still wants a shot at his dreams. He hopes Miyuki won’t be upset.
“No,” he says firmly. “I can do it.”
“Alright,” Miyuki smiles softly and Eijun feels like he made the right choice,
didn’t let him down at all. “If you say so, I’m sure you can. Maybe I’ll stay
too, then. Practice has been ending earlier, anyway.”
Eijun nods, a nagging worry that he can’t find a name for bothering him. He
tries to dismiss it—he has enough to worry about right now.
As they come closer to the gate of the dorms, some of Eijun’s calm disappears.
The security guard at the gate waves and greets them, and Eijun tries his best
to ground himself in the present, where it’s daylight and he’s safe, his
teammates milling around in the courtyard.
Changing into his uniform makes him feel jittery, his heart racing when he
joins the group heading for the practice field. It feels surreal as he steps
onto the field. Everything looks the same, but it makes his chest tight.
“Sawamura.” Kataoka’s voice rings clear over the voices of his teammates and
Eijun makes his way over to the coach, excitement replacing apprehension when
he sees who’s standing with Kataoka.
“Good afternoon, Sawamura.” Chris smiles softly when Eijun stops in front of
him, beaming.
“Boss! Chris-senpai! Furuya?”
“Chris and Furuya volunteered to help you transition back into practice,”
Kataoka says. “Are you sure you’re ready, Sawamura?”
Eijun meets Kataoka’s serious stare unflinching even though his heart is
hammering. He nods, tight lipped and determined. Kataoka nods back at him
before looking over Eijun’s shoulder.
“Is there something you need, Miyuki?”
Eijun turns around. Miyuki is a few meters away, hesitating before taking a few
more steps forward.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes.” Miyuki perks up at the Coach’s words. “Go run. You can help when you’re
both back in the bullpen. Until then, focus on your own recovery.”
“Yes sir,” he says less than enthusiastically, giving Eijun a regretful look
before jogging away.
Eijun turns back to the others. Miyuki has been Eijun’s constant source of
comfort and security, but he can’t depend on Miyuki constantly; he needs to
learn to stand on his own feet again.
“Before you rejoin practice fully, we need to assess where you’re at physically
and mentally. You’ll start out with stretches and running, and when you feel
ready you can get in the bullpen. Don’t push yourself too fast, Sawamura.
Rushing into it will only set you back, understand?”
Eijun soaks in the words, pieces clicking into place and telling him that
Kataoka must know the details of the attack if he’s worried about Eijun’s
pitching. He should have realized it when Kataoka told him the policy on
spectators at practice would be reviewed. The thought that Kataoka knows more
details than anyone makes him want to hide in shame, but he stands in place,
his desire to gain the respect of his coach outweighing his embarrassment.
“I understand,” he says when he realizes he’s just been standing there.
“Then I’ll leave you in Chris’ care.” Kataoka says, nodding to the older boy
before taking his leave to direct the others at practice.  
“Are you ready?” Chris asks him. Eijun nods.
Chris coaches Eijun through a variety of stretches, and to Eijun’s surprise,
Furuya follows along. He spends time on groups of muscles that Eijun feels like
he hasn’t engaged in much longer than ten days.
“Pay attention to how your body feels,” Chris tells them, and Eijun wonders if
Kataoka told Chris why Eijun might need to be told that.
Eijun tries to do as Chris says, but most of what he feels is numbness. He’s
looking at his arm stretched across his chest, but he feels disconnected from
it. He tries feeling it, but he doesn’t know how you’re supposed to go about
bringing feeling back when you’ve lost it. The thought that he might never feel
the same again makes his stomach sick, the taste of regret and disgust bitter
on his tongue.
“Can we run now, Chris-senpai?” Eijun wants to get moving before Chris or
Furuya notice he’s trembling.
“We need to do leg muscles first.” Chris furrows his brows. “Are you alright,
Sawamura?”
Eijun nods and hugs his arm tighter across his chest to stop himself from
shaking.
The ground is hard and uncomfortable when he sits. The first thing Chris has
them do is lean forward with their legs together. It hurts Eijun’s back. Miyuki
has been giving him massages regularly, but he carries the tension around with
him when Miyuki isn’t working the knots out.
When Chris instructs them to open their legs, Eijun’s knees squeeze together
and his heart races. He feels the dirt next to him with his hands. It’s nothing
like the hospital bed he was in yesterday at his appointment. There’s not going
to be any hands on him. He’s fully clothed in his baseball uniform and jacket,
not a hospital gown. There’s not going to be any swabs or samples taken, it’s
just stretching.
He takes his time, taking in his surroundings, trying to ground himself in the
present. Chris is studying his clipboard and Furuya is staring off into the
distance—Eijun thinks he hears Furuya mumble something about a crab omelet to
himself. The rest of the team is practicing batting and fielding, except for
the lone figure running around the edge.
Eijun wants to be out there too. He wants Miyuki to catch his pitch, to
practice pickoffs, to feel the satisfaction, however rare, of hitting the ball
with his bat; he wants to sprint around the field with Furuya. But before he
can do that, he needs to stretch and run and get the feeling back in his body
so he can feel the ball on the tip of his fingers right before its release.
He takes a deep breath and unlocks his knees, opening his legs and falling into
the stretch alongside Furuya. He feels vulnerable, exposed, sweat beading on
his forehead despite the cold. He keeps looking at the field, feeling the dirt
under his hands. He knows he’s safe, that no one is going to touch him where he
doesn’t want to be touched. Chris walks them through the rest of the leg
stretches and Eijun finds his heart rate slowing, his fear ebbing away even if
he doesn’t feel any more connected to the body doing the stretches.
When Chris dismisses them to take a water break, he feels sore already. He
tries to relax his shoulders, breathing in and out mindfully, trying to relieve
his tension.
“Does Chris-senpai always make you stretch that long?” Furuya asks.
“Yeah. I thought it was annoying at first, but Chris-senpai just wants to
protect people against injuries.”
Furuya nods seriously, looking into his cup of water. Eijun doesn’t understand
why Furuya is there with him when he could be practicing with everyone else.
It’s hard to tell from Furuya’s face, but the long stretching must have been
boring for him. Even if he sticks with it today, Eijun doubts he’ll join in
again tomorrow, or for however long Eijun is stuck doing stretches and running.
“Are you ready to run?” Furuya asks, tossing his cup into the garbage. Eijun
nods, tossing his in too.
“Don’t overexert yourself. This isn’t a competition.” Chris smiles slightly at
the two of them. “Walk if you need to. You’ve been inactive for a while, so let
things come back naturally. You have almost a month until winter training camp.
There’s no rush, Sawamura.”
“Yes, Chris-senpai,” Eijun barks, and Furuya nods.
He takes off at a slow jog, Furuya matching his pace. His legs feel strange
moving under him, but he’s just glad to be moving again. He missed the feeling
when he was confined to his room; the ground under his feet, the smell of the
field. Since his early days at Seidou, running has relaxed him best, making it
easier for him to think or clearing his head completely as he let his feet take
control.
He tries not to think. He’s done too much of that lately—dwelling on what
happened, how things could be different, how his future has changed, worrying
that he’ll never be rid of the feeling of unwelcome hands on his body. Instead,
he just feels the ground under his feet, his own breath and the calm breathing
of his rival beside him.
Eijun can see Miyuki on the other side of the field, jogging by himself.
They’re not running side by side, but they are technically running together,
and that makes Eijun glad.
They keep up a steady pace, Furuya adjusting his speed according to Eijun’s
until they stop for the evening, the field lights making it feel later than it
is. Eijun’s legs are shaky as he follows the crowd heading for the dorms. He
feels sore, but lighter than he has in a long time, his limbs looser and more
relaxed. He looks for Miyuki and sees him up ahead, talking to Kuramochi.
The dark makes him nervous, but he’s with people he knows, safe in the throng
of chatting boys, the rest of them oblivious to the potential dangers lurking
in the November night.  
“Sawamura!” Kawakami jogs up to him. “I didn’t know you wouldn’t be in the
bullpen, so I didn’t have a chance to give this to you.” He holds out a CD and
Eijun takes it.
“Thanks, Nori-senpai.” Eijun studies the disc. The cover has a list of
carefully written song titles, most of which Eijun has never heard of.
“Shirasu and I picked them out for you. They’re really motivating, they’re sure
to keep you moving.”
He wonders if Kawakami was lonely in the bullpen without Furuya and him.
Eijun’s grip on the case tightens and he thanks his fellow pitcher again.
His anxiety rises as they enter the dorm grounds, somewhat eased by the
friendly security guard greeting people at the gate, eased more by the fact
that Miyuki and Kuramochi waited by the gate for him.
“How do you feel?” Miyuki asks, throwing an arm around his shoulders as they
walk. “I kept an eye on you and Furuya—I’m surprised you both resisted
sprinting for so long,” he chuckles.
“I’m sore, but it feels kind of good. I’d rather be sore from working out than
losing my mind from boredom.”
“Hyahaha,” Kuramochi laughs. “Good thing you came back when you did, you
probably don’t have much mind left to lose.”
Eijun ignores the insult, too pleased that Kuramochi has started treating him
more like before, being less careful with him, to be offended by it.
They change out of their uniforms, Eijun doing so quickly even though Kuramochi
and Miyuki don’t stare at him when he changes.
“Welcome back, Sawamura,” Maezono’s voice booms as Eijun enters the dining
hall. “It was good to see you at practice.” The first baseman smiles widely at
Eijun and gives him an enthusiastic thumbs up.
Many of his teammates turn to look at him, calling their own greetings at him
as he flushes warm.  
“Everyone missed you.” Haruichi startles him, appearing quietly at his side.
“Practice isn’t the same without you, Eijun-kun.”
“It’s much too quiet.” Toujou smiles as he joins Eijun, Miyuki, and Kuramochi
in the lunch line. “It’s been somber the last week.”
“Well, I’m back.” He smiles, only feeling slightly strained.
Eijun feels warm knowing his presence was missed, but he can’t help thinking
about why he was gone, wondering if everyone has been thinking about it while
he was away; if everyone has been reliving that night in the alley in their own
way. He just wants to put it behind him, but he can’t pretend it didn’t happen,
not when everyone knows.
Dinner feels more normal now that he’s at least partially back to his old
routine. He got ready for school with them, walked among them to class, saw
them at practice. It’s only a matter of time until he feels like he’s back in
the group.
It’s starting to rain as he and Miyuki go back to Eijun’s dorm. Slipping his
shoes off and lying down in his bed with a sigh feels like coming home.
He closes his eyes and lets his muscles relax. He’s drained and he still has
homework to do, but he has a feeling he’ll sleep better tonight from the
exhaustion of the day. When Miyuki doesn’t join him, he opens his eyes to find
his boyfriend kneeling on the floor next to his bed with a serious look on his
face. Eijun’s muscles immediately tense up again.
Miyuki clears his throat, looking more nervous now and setting Eijun even more
on edge until he takes Eijun’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together.
“I don’t really know how or when to bring this up….” Eijun tightens his hold on
Miyuki’s fingers, tears already in his eyes in anticipation of the worst.
“Hey, don’t look at me like that.” Miyuki softens his voice and squeezes
Eijun’s hand back. “It’s just... Kuramochi is really getting on my case about
staying here. He says if things are going to go back to normal, I need to start
sleeping in my own room.…”
Eijun lets out the breath he was holding, blinking the tears out of his eyes.
His heart still aches, but as he stares into Miyuki’s eyes, he knows Kuramochi
is right. Miyuki looks as tired as Eijun feels, bags under his pretty eyes.
Miyuki has been losing sleep because of Eijun, has been leaving practice early
to spend time with him. He feels guilty.
“Kuramochi-senpai is right,” Eijun’s voice is steadier than he feels. “You
should sleep in your own bed.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
Eijun nods at him. Miyuki looks like he might pout.
“I’m going to miss it,” he says, and warmth pools in Eijun’s chest. “I like
sleeping next to you, and waking up with you even when you have bad dreams.
But,” he squeezes Eijun’s hand again, “it’s not like we won’t sleep together
again, right?”
“Yeah,” Eijun agrees, and tugs Miyuki forward until the catcher is on the bed
too, chuckling at Eijun’s insistence.
He cups the back of Miyuki’s head and brings it closer, closing his eyes and
relaxing against Miyuki’s lips. His lips are soft and warm,  and Eijun feels
like he’s melting into the bed, Miyuki’s words making him hopeful. They’re
still together—Miyuki still wants to be with him, kiss him, share a bed with
him. With Miyuki sleeping in his own room, Eijun won’t feel so guilty about
keeping him awake.
He trails his hand down to the base of Miyuki’s neck, stroking his soft skin
and making Miyuki shiver. Eijun moves his hand.
“Sorry,” Eijun says, pulling away, but Miyuki follows him, eyes half closed.
“It felt good,” Miyuki says against Eijun’s lips. “You don’t have to stop if
you don’t want to.”
Eijun’s heart flutters and he puts his hand back on Miyuki’s nape. With his
lips back on Miyuki’s, he’s suddenly aware of how close their bodies are. He
missed kissing Miyuki like this. It’s not as heated as it used to be, but it’s
deeper than their last kiss, and Eijun can feel the stirrings of arousal for
the first time since before Miyuki’s birthday.
He reluctantly pulls his lips away, still stroking the back of Miyuki’s neck.
“I have homework to do and you’re not helping, senpai.”
Miyuki chuckles and the noise goes straight to Eijun’s groin. It’s tempting to
continue, but the thought still makes him nervous and he’s trying his best to
be responsible.
“Do you want me to get Kanemaru for you?”
Eijun nods, and Miyuki gives him a quick peck before sliding out of bed and
leaving the room.
When Miyuki returns with Kanemaru, Eijun is ready, his homework and textbooks
in neat piles on his desk. It’s surprisingly easy with Kanemaru’s notes;
they’re neat and organized and have no drool marks on them like Eijun’s notes
sometimes do, and with Kanemaru and Miyuki there to answer his questions, he
gets a solid amount done.
Freshly out of the bath and with Kuramochi on the top bunk, Eijun feels
exhausted, his muscles easily relaxed by the massage Miyuki insists he needs.
“You feel less tense than usual,” Miyuki remarks, and Eijun grunts in
agreement.
He rolls over when Miyuki finishes and gives him a lingering kiss.
“Are you guys making out down there? I told you not to do that when I’m
around,” Kuramochi interrupts and they both snicker.
Miyuki gives him one more quick kiss before saying goodnight, turning off the
light and locking the door on his way out. Eijun falls asleep faster than he
has in a long time, his brain and body spent after such an eventful day. He
only wakes once, his heart pounding and his breath shaky.
“Yo’kay?” Kuramochi slurs sleepily from above.
“Yeah,” Eijun whispers and settles back down, missing Miyuki’s warmth.
 
There’s a voice message on his phone when he wakes. He mashes the buttons
sleepily to listen to it, but he’s instantly awake, heart pounding, when he
hears a detached voice on the other end reading him the results of his STD
tests. When it’s done, he sighs with relief—clean. So far he’s clean. There
will be more tests, more checkups, but for this kind of relief they might be
worth it. He kicks his blankets off, feeling a little better.
The bags under Miyuki’s eyes have already improved when Eijun sits next to him
at breakfast, which makes Eijun more confident in his decision, even when
Miyuki whispers that he missed him.
His second day of class feels better, any curiosity his classmates had already
gone. He and Miyuki have lunch in a stairwell without the usual mix of first
and second year girls gawking at them.
“Most of the second and third year girls realized a long time ago I wasn’t
interested in any of them,” Miyuki had explained after he’d started dating
Eijun. “But some of them are still holding out, and all first years are
hopeless,” he’d laughed, and Eijun had grumbled about the idiot dating a
“hopeless first year.”
By the time school is out, it’s pouring rain. No one looks twice at Eijun and
Miyuki sharing an umbrella—plenty of other teammates are huddled together as
they rush back to the dorms.
Kataoka is already in the courtyard when they arrive, telling everyone that
practice will be indoors today. Eijun doesn’t think anything of it until he’s
changed and standing outside his door. He’s staring in the direction of the
indoor practice facility when he starts to panic.  
He feels shaky and sick to his stomach, his heart pounding as his vision
narrows to the small passageway between the bathhouse and the dining hall, the
alley between the buildings beyond that. He hasn’t been past the bathhouse door
since the night it happened, hasn’t wanted to go anywhere near the vending
machines or alley—not when he can still feel himself struggling, the pain and
humiliation still so real in his mind even when he knows he’s safe.
“Sawamura, are you ok?” Kuramochi looks back at him, the look of concern on his
roommate’s face making Eijun’s heart race more.
He opens his mouth to lie but nothing comes out, the beads of sweat he can feel
on his face speaking where he can’t. Kuramochi takes a step toward him and says
something but it’s muffled, Kuramochi moving in slow motion, and Eijun wonders
if he’s about to pass out. He’s vaguely aware that there are other people
slowing down around him, more teammates to gawk at his embarrassment.
He feels a hand on his shoulder and jerks away, sound returning to him in a
rush, suddenly aware that he’s gasping rapid, ragged breaths that make his
lungs ache.   
“Sit,” says a firm voice as Eijun clutches at his shirt, feeling his heart
racing under his numb fingers and wondering if this is how he dies.
“Sawamura,” the voice says again. “Sit down before you pass out and crack your
skull on the concrete.”
“Eijun-kun, listen to Furuya. We’ll help you ok?”
A gentle hand touches his elbow and he jerks away again, his shoulder hitting
something cold and solid—the wall outside his room, he knows it is, but it
sends a spike of fear through him anyway.  
“Don’t—,” he heaves out. “Don’t touch me.”
He leans against the wall, turns his back against it, trying to protect
himself, although he knows he’s too weak to fight. He can hear his teammates
worriedly talking and he reminds himself that he’s safe.
For someone who knows he’s safe, he’s shaking a lot. He slides down the wall,
sitting hard and bringing his knees up, wrapping his arms around his legs and
wishing everyone would just leave. He doesn’t want to be seen like this, weak
and vulnerable and at the mercy of others. Again.
His teammates quiet suddenly, the sound of Eijun’s ragged breathing and the
rain the only sounds until someone kneels down next to Eijun. He flinches.
“It’s alright, you’re safe,” a warm voice says, and Eijun realizes he has his
eyes shut tight. He opens them slowly, focusing on Miyuki next to him, tears
slipping from Eijun’s eyes unbidden.
“What happened?” Miyuki directs the question to the crowd.
“I don’t know,” Kuramochi says. “One second he was fine, and then.…”
“Is it because practice is…?” Kanemaru trails off and a murmur of realization
runs through the crowd.
“Should we get Kataoka-kantoku?” Maezono asks, and Eijun wants to yell “no,”
but he can’t force the word out of his throat.
“No, just tell him we’ll be late,” Miyuki says and Eijun is relieved they’re on
the same page. “He just needs some time, it’ll be ok. You guys go ahead, I’ll
stay.”
Miyuki settles next to Eijun, so close that Eijun can feel him breathing. He
tries to focus on that, the rhythm steadier than Eijun’s. He closes his eyes
and tries to take a deep breath. Miyuki is next to him, they’re both safe,
everyone is safe and everything is going to be fine.  
“Come on, you heard the captain. Get a move on.” Kuramochi leads the others
away and Eijun can hear them leaving, some of them saying encouraging things
that make his face turn red, tears stinging his eyes.
Eijun watches their feet go with blurry eyes, relieved that his audience is
leaving. Only one set of feet approaches, stopping on his right side. Eijun
looks up, his throat tightening as Furuya slides down the wall to sit next to
him.
“Furuya, what do you think you’re doing?” Kuramochi calls, but Furuya doesn’t
budge.
“Furuya…” Miyuki starts carefully, and Eijun’s heartbeat picks back up. “You
should go to practice; the ace shouldn’t be slacking off.”
Eijun closes his eyes against the pain in his chest, unable to suppress the
gasping breath he has to take in order to breathe. Is that what Miyuki thinks
he’s doing, slacking off? Eijun doesn’t want anyone to think that, especially
Miyuki. Miyuki should know how hard he’s been trying to make everything
normal—the thought that he doesn’t hurts.
“I’m on the same training menu as Sawamura,” Furuya says calmly, like Eijun
isn’t a trembling crying mess in between him and Miyuki.
“That doesn’t mean you need to be here,” Miyuki sounds like he’s nearing the
end of his patience. A part of Eijun knows it’s not directed at him, but a
different part tells him it is; everything is his fault, and if he could just
hold himself together, everything would be fine.
“I know,” Furuya says neutrally. “If Sawamura wants me to leave, I will.”
Eijun’s thoughts race with his heart. He doesn’t understand why Furuya wants to
be here after being the first to witness Eijun’s raw pain and humiliation, why
they’re even training together when he’s just going to drag Furuya down. Furuya
could use this time to get further ahead of Eijun.  If their positions were
switched….
Furuya starts to stand, mistaking Eijun’s silence for a dismissal. Eijun’s hand
shoots out and closes around Furuya’s arm.
“Stay,” his voice cracks and he takes his hand back to hide the shaking, but
Furuya sits back down quietly.
Eijun takes another deep breath, trying to slow his racing heart. He wipes the
sweat off his forehead, the tears off his cheeks, and doesn’t flinch when
Miyuki starts to rub his back.
“It’s okay,” Miyuki says softly, and Eijun nods, sniffling and trying to get
himself under control.
He feels weak and pathetic to be unable to control his fear, embarrassed that
he broke down in front of so many people. He doesn’t want to feel this way. He
doesn’t want to be a burden, have the pity of his teammates, fall behind
everyone else and never realize his dreams.
He takes a few more deep breaths, filling his lungs completely and exhaling
slowly. He watches the rain come down, enjoying the cooling effect on his hot
face, tries to use the steady sound of the rain to slow his heart.
It has been getting easier to move around the courtyard, but he hadn’t thought
about moving past it. The farthest he’s been in the passageway between the
buildings is to the bathhouse door, slipping inside every night relieved that
he can scrub himself clean again.
No one has asked him to go to the vending machines, his status as Kuramochi’s
goffer suspended indefinitely; Kuramochi and Miyuki bring drinks back to the
room for Eijun with somber faces he tries not to think about. Being confined to
his room, he hadn’t had a reason to go to the indoor practice facility—even if
he had, he’s sure he would have been frozen like he is now, the fear and pain
from that night brought back to his mind in vivid detail.   
He tries to stay in the present, where the only hands on him are Miyuki’s, warm
and steady on Eijun’s back, soothing him. Furuya remains a stable presence on
his other side, the steady rise and fall of his abdomen comforting Eijun just
as it did when they ran together yesterday.
He still feels jittery, sitting there in silence, but his breathing is less
labored, the tightness in his chest lessening with each passing second.
“Sawamura.”
Eijun turns his head sharply, swallowing the lump in his throat at the look on
Chris’ face as he approaches quickly.
“I’m fine,” Eijun says before Chris has a chance to ask. He smiles weakly up at
Chris and some of the concern leaves Chris’ expression, softening his mentor’s
face. “I’m ready for practice now, Chris-senpai. Sorry for being late.” He
stands up and bows, even though his legs still feel a little shaky.
“Are you sure, Sawamura?” Chris asks as Miyuki and Furuya stand. “If it’s too
soon…”
“No, it’s fine. I can do it,” he insists. “I just got surprised.” Eijun tries
to laugh, lighten the mood.
He feels ashamed. Part of him wants to admit defeat and go back to his room,
maybe indulge himself and bring Miyuki with him so he can cry more, mourn what
he’s lost. But then, he’d be dragging Miyuki down as well as Furuya. He doesn’t
want to do that. He doesn’t want to show the team he’s weak.
“Take your time,” Chris tells him as Eijun squares his shoulders, facing the
sight that struck him with panic.
He faces it now with determination, his heart pounding but his breathing in
check. He faces it the same way he faces stressful situations on the mound; by
taking deep breaths and having faith that there are people supporting him,
people who are reliable and trustworthy and will help pick him up when he
fails.
He looks at Miyuki for reassurance and finds his boyfriend staring intensely at
him.
“Don’t look at the past,” he tells Eijun. “Move towards the future.”
A tingle runs down Eijun’s spine. When Miyuki uses that tone Eijun feels like
he can do anything. It’s how he speaks when they’re in a pinch and he’s putting
his faith in Eijun. He wants to be worthy of that kind of faith; from Miyuki
and the rest of the team.
Eijun nods and takes another calming lungful of air before he lets his legs
carry him forward. His body feels numb and exhausted, but he pushes through it.
If he can’t get past this, he can’t join in practice. If he can’t join
practice, he’s going to fall behind until he proves himself useless and gets
kicked off the team.
He refuses to give up.
He takes it one step at a time, the stiffness in his back and shoulders hiding
some of his trembling. He makes it to the bathhouse door before he pauses. This
is as far as he’s been; reliving the touch he tries to wash off most nights,
never thinking about moving past this point. He should have known it was
inevitable.
Things will never go back to how they were before, but they can’t remain how
they have been, either. He doesn’t want this to be normal for him; he wants to
move past it all and keep going. He knows he’s not going to be able to forget,
may never feel the same way he did before the attack, but what he’s been
feeling lately isn’t what he wants, either.
“Do you need me to hold your hand?”
Eijun turns to look at Furuya, standing to Eijun’s side and holding out his
hand. A blush creeps up Eijun’s neck. Furuya’s offer seems completely sincere;
no hint of mocking or judgment in his face, so Eijun takes the offered support
even if it feels a little strange. To his surprise, Miyuki laughs. He glares at
his boyfriend, who at least has the tact to look mildly ashamed as he covers
his mouth.
“Shut up, Miyuki Kazuya,” Eijun growls, shaking his other hand in a fist.
“Sorry, sorry,” Miyuki snickers. “Here.” He offers Eijun his hand as well, his
features softening, and Eijun takes his hand without hesitation.
It feels a little embarrassing, but he’ll take all the support he can, all the
reminders that he’s in the present that he can, and if that’s holding Furuya’s
hand as well as Miyuki’s, then that’s what he’ll do.   
Miyuki squeezes his hand, strokes Eijun’s callused palm with his thumb and
doesn’t take a step until Eijun does.
The passageway is already dark; the feeble sunlight from the grey, rainy day
already fading in the late afternoon. Eijun’s stomach hurts. He squeezes both
hands hard and keeps moving, trying not to think about the struggle that
happened here.
When he stops at the entry to the alley, he swallows the rising bile in his
throat. He doesn’t dare look to the side with the bench and the vending
machines; he’s not ready to go that way yet.
“You’re doing a good job, Sawamura,” Chris says softly from behind them, and
Eijun blinks the moisture out of his eyes.
He can hear practice happening through the open door a few steps away; bats
swinging through empty air, the clanking of weights, Ono praising Kawakami’s
pitching. He pushes the thought of hearing the blissfully unaware sounds of his
team in a different situation; the sounds of safety and comfort so close, but
so far.
He takes a last deep inhale before dropping Furuya and Miyuki’s hands and
taking the last few steps into the practice facility by himself. Heads turn and
bats stop swinging and he freezes under everyone’s stares. He hadn’t thought
past physically getting to practice, and now that he’s here, his embarrassment
comes back in full force. He tries to laugh it off, rubbing the back of his
neck awkwardly as Miyuki, Furuya, and Chris enter behind him.
“Sorry about that,” he laughs, his voice filling the room as the last clang of
the weight machines sounds. “I’ll just, uh… practice now…. Thank you for your
patience….” he bows, can feel the sweat on the back of his neck and knows he
must look like a wreck.
He remains bowed until he hears the weight machines start back up, the swish of
bats through air meaning that people aren’t staring at him anymore. No one says
anything, and he’s grateful, although he suspects it has something to do with
Haruichi’s hand on Maezono’s arm, a quick shake of a pink head that Eijun
catches out of the corner of his eye.
“Do you need to rest, Sawamura?” Chris asks as Eijun faces his rehabilitation
team, not trying to hide the slump in his shoulders.
He shakes his head. “I can’t slack off now that I made it this far.” He tries
to shake off his exhaustion, slapping his cheeks and trying to loosen his
shoulders. “Ready.” He gives Chris a thumb up, trying his best to smile
reassuringly.  
“Pace yourself, Sawamura,” Miyuki says, squeezing Eijun’s shoulder before
moving to a corner to do his own rehabilitation-approved exercises.
Chris leads Eijun and Furuya through the same stretches as yesterday; Eijun
feels tenser and more disconnected than before even as he tries to relax. He
just can’t shake the exhaustion, shame, and stiffness from his body, however
mindful and full of calming breaths he tries to be. When they finish the last
of the stretches, Chris asks if he wants to call it a day, but he resists the
temptation, not even daring to let himself look in Miyuki’s direction.
“Can we do some weight training, Chris-senpai?”
Chris looks surprised, but he doesn’t question Eijun’s request, just flips
through his notebook. Eijun is glad that he didn’t say anything to imply that
Eijun can’t handle weights right now—he feels weak enough as it is, both
physically and mentally, without the doubt of his mentor.
Chris directs them to the free-weights, starting them off with small weights
since neither pitcher spends much time in the weight room. By the end of their
session, Eijun’s muscles feel shaky with satisfaction.
He waits for Miyuki to join him before following the rest of his teammates back
to the dorms. He lets his exhaustion take over so he doesn’t have to think
about retracing his steps from a few hours ago. It works well, and before he
knows it he’s fed and bathed—the bath is especially relaxing tonight—and
falling asleep over his homework.
When Kanemaru closes Eijun’s textbook, telling him he’s going to ruin it with
drool, Eijun decides to call it a night.
He really wants to crawl in bed with Miyuki and let the comfortable warmth
sooth some of the emotional exhaustion from the day, but he settles for a
lingering hug after Miyuki performs his nightly ritual of giving Eijun a
massage.
“Sleep well,” Miyuki tells him, pulling Eijun’s blanket over him and tucking
him in.
Everything feels heavy and sore, from his heart to his eyelids, but he manages
to lift his arm toward Miyuki’s face until he leans down, a bemused expression
on his face. Eijun cups his cheek and Miyuki leans into it.
“My arm’s tired, come ‘ere,” Eijun slurs through his fatigue, and Miyuki
crouches down next to the bed. He has to fight to keep his eyes open, but it
feels important. “Thanks,” he rubs Miyuki’s cheek, trying to convey his
gratitude. “I’m not gonna slack off; I’ll work hard and show you I can be
stronger.”
“You’re already working hard, don’t exhaust yourself more.” Miyuki tweaks
Eijun’s nose playfully and Eijun slides his hand behind Miyuki’s head and pulls
him closer until their foreheads touch more forcefully than Eijun intended.
“’m serious, Miyuki Kazuya.” He tries to focus on Miyuki’s eyes, so close and
impossibly warm. “And don’t tuck me in again. You’re not my mom, you’re my
lover.”
Miyuki snickers, his forehead shaking lightly against Eijun’s, the cold from
his glasses brushing against Eijun’s brow. Eijun stops his laughter with a
kiss, putting the last bit of his energy into stealing Miyuki’s breath.
“That’s enough, lovebirds,” Kuramochi calls from the top bunk, and Miyuki pulls
away.
Eijun wants to pull him back for more, wants to pull him into bed with him and
wrap their arms around each other and fall asleep together, but he lets him go,
watching through sleep blurred eyes as Miyuki slips his shoes back on before
giving Eijun a last glance and wishing them a goodnight; turning the light off
on his way out.
Eijun falls asleep in seconds, heavy limbs following him into dreams where he’s
too weak to fight. He wakes up whimpering, too exhausted to scream even in his
sleep. He stares at the top bunk with a racing heart, feeling cold and lonely
and weak, limbs sore and heavy. He closes his eyes with the knowledge that he’s
trying, that he’ll get stronger, and that he’s not alone.  
 
===============================================================================
 
It gets easier every day. He feels a little more normal joining everyone for
breakfast, sneaking away with Miyuki at lunch, sometimes getting bold enough to
hold hands or exchange a quick peck in an empty stairwell. Practice is easier
too—whether it’s raining or not, he usually finds himself heading to the indoor
practice facility with Furuya at his side to lift weights.
He knows what to expect now, prepares himself mentally before stepping out of
his room and toward his nightmares. It’s hard sometimes, but he doesn’t have
another breakdown in front of everyone, at least. The bench and the vending
machines are off limits—he can’t even bring himself to look in that direction.
But this is enough for now; being able to go to practice feels like victory.
Kanemaru and Miyuki make sure he’s doing his homework, which, as he starts to
feel better, is made more difficult by Furuya, who’s glad to work as long and
hard as Eijun wants at practice. Their competitive natures start to emerge as
they try to outdo each other, and if there wasn’t a team of people to keep an
eye on them, they would keep going like they did before the attack, working
themselves into exhaustion until someone drags them away to do their
schoolwork.
There’s still the problem of the dark, though.
It’s easy to ignore with the field lights on and everyone practicing, but the
first time he and Furuya squeeze an extra lap into their run, it hits Eijun
just how much he can’t see outside the ring of light. At the dorms there are
cameras, the friendly security guard from the gate doing checks around the
buildings with a flashlight, but out here, there’s nothing. Anyone could be
standing on the other side of the light, and it terrifies him when he realizes
that.
He tries to run faster, his paranoia spurring him on past Furuya at his side.
He can see the group that stayed behind waiting for them on the other side of
the field, but they seem too far away for comfort. Eijun knows firsthand that
safety isn’t as simple as that.
“What is it?” Furuya pants next to him and starts to slow down.
Eijun doesn’t want to slow down even though his legs and lungs are screaming at
him to stop. He wants to yell at Furuya to keep going, but he can’t get enough
air for it He slows down, sticking to Furuya’s side so that he can hold onto
his only safety line.
“Dark,” he says, slowing down to a walk, his chest hurting.  
Furuya walks beside him quietly and Eijun isn’t sure if the other pitcher
understands what he means. He’s not sure he has the words to explain without
breaking down and crying.
“It’s going to be fine,” Furuya says, his calm steadiness reassuring Eijun.
“Everyone is over there; just keep your eyes on them.”
Eijun wants to object that there might be danger, but rationally he knows it
doesn’t make sense, and he does feel a sense of relief watching everyone get
closer.
“Are you still glad, Sawamura?” Furuya asks. “That you came to this school.”  
“Yeah.” Eijun doesn’t even think about it, eyes fixed on Miyuki and Chris,
walking evenly with Furuya. “Of course.”
And he is still glad, even given everything that happened, because if he’d gone
to a different school, who knows what another set of teammates would have
thought or done in the same situation. At least at Seidou he has the support of
everyone around him, a team full of people who have seen him at his worst and
still accept him and want to be around him.
At least at Seidou he has someone who still cares for him romantically, still
finds him desirable and worthy to be with. He locks eyes with Miyuki as they
get closer, his partner smiling a little concernedly at the determined way
Eijun is speed walking toward him, but he still looks happy to see Eijun.    
He still has so much growing and learning to do, and he can’t think of anywhere
else he’d rather do that. He hopes one day he can put the attack in the past
and still hold onto all the things he’s learned and the relationships he’s
built here; although one relationship in particular he hopes lasts longer than
his time at Seidou.
 
===============================================================================
 
The day Miyuki returns to practice they don’t talk about it, but they smile all
through lunch, shoulders pressed together as they eat. It’s a good thing they
decided to have lunch outside for more privacy, because they spend a good
portion of the break with their hands shoved in each other’s coat pockets,
frosty breaths mixing together as they alternate kissing and grinning against
each other’s lips.
Eijun hasn’t touched a baseball for three weeks, sticking to running and
weightlifting instead. His body feels better, less tense, but still somewhat
foreign. It feels like years ago that Chris told him, cold and dull-eyed, that
Eijun didn’t know how to use his body, the memory hazy and indistinct. He
wishes he was smart enough to remember how he learned to use it better, but
that’s never been his forte. All he can rely on is instinct, and instinct has
him itching to grab Miyuki’s hand on their way to practice, has him bowing to
Kataoka and telling him that he’s ready to fully rejoin practice now, that he
wants to pitch.
Kataoka gives him an evaluating look and Eijun doesn’t flinch, standing at
attention.
“If you think you’re ready, Sawamura.”
Eijun nods curtly, giddiness bubbling up in his gut as he tries to maintain a
serious expression.
“Miyuki.” Kataoka turns to Miyuki standing at Eijun’s side. The two share a
serious look, the tension making some of Eijun’s excitement disappear. “Welcome
back.”
“Thank you, sir,” Miyuki says.
“Go lead laps,” their stern-faced coach says as a dismissal, and Miyuki turns
away a conflicted look on his face.
“Chris-senpai!” Eijun stops in front of his mentor before going to join
everyone preparing for running laps together. Chris smiles softly at him,
closing his notebook. “Thank you for helping me. I hope,” he swallows around
the lump growing in his throat, “I hope you’ll still be around in case.…”
“I’ll still be around, Sawamura.” Chris says softly. “Anytime you need me.”
Eijun nods, sniffling and wiping his eyes, overwhelmed with gratitude.
“I won’t let you down Chris-senpai,” he says.
“It’s impossible for you to let me down,” Chris says fondly, clasps Eijun’s
shoulder and squeezes gently. “Now go run, Furuya is waiting for you.”
Eijun jogs off, his legs lighter and his heart fuller as he joins the rest of
the team.
Eijun can’t stop grinning, misty eyed, as he joins the rest of the team. Furuya
falls into step automatically next to him, Haruichi joining him on his other
side, and he has to fight off the tears threatening to fall, doesn’t want
sentimentality to slow him down as the three of them speed up.
“Louder, captain, we can’t hear you!” He shouts, and watches the back of
Miyuki’s neck flush lightly.  
By the time he steps into the bullpen, he’s brimming with excitement, unable to
keep his eyes off of Miyuki in his catcher’s gear grinning back at him without
reserve.
“Welcome back,” Kawakami greets Eijun and Furuya, his cheeks stretched in a
smile as he looks between them and Miyuki. “It’s been lonely without you guys.”
“Thank you for being patient, Nori-senpai. I use your CD for weight training
sometimes and it definitely helps, even though Furuya mumbles all the lyrics. I
told him he should sing louder like a man like–,”
“Hey, this is baseball practice, not a choir,” Miyuki stops Eijun mid-breath,
“get over here Sawamura.”
Eijun snaps his mouth shut, nerves mixing with excitement, hyper aware of his
limbs as he makes his way across from Miyuki.
“I’ll catch for you, Furuya,” Kariba calls, but it feels muffled, Eijun’s focus
narrowing to the sound of his heartbeat in his ears.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Back in the bullpen, back across
from Miyuki, doing what he’d always been begging for up until a few weeks
ago—but he feels wrong, slow and clumsy as he catches the ball Miyuki throws at
him. He touches the cold leather of the baseball. He watches his fingers touch
the red stitching, but his fingertips feel numb.
The smile slips from Miyuki’s lips.
 
Eijun isn’t pitching well. He’s stiff, self-conscious.  
“You’re such a unique pitcher, Sawamura-kun; I’ve never seen someone quite like
you.”
“I see how you shine on the mound… it’s very attractive.”
The memory shakes him, makes his form sloppy and robs him of the power and
control he’d gained since coming to Seidou. That night he cries in his dorm,
frustrated and scared even as Miyuki holds him and tells him that it will pass.
No one questions it when Kataoka shows up in the bullpen the next day and hands
him a towel.
Eijun takes it with stiff fingers and a nod, spends the rest of practice
watching Furuya pitch to Miyuki while he does towel drills under Chris’
supervision.
Every chance he has, he keeps a baseball in his hand. When he’s studying,
eating, lying in bed— Miyuki won’t let him take it in the bath with him, and
Kanemaru keeps confiscating the one he brings to class, but it helps.
He loves pitching; he tries to remember how it felt before the attack, the
thrill of the challenge, the feeling of being invincible with Miyuki’s genius
calls, the excitement of jamming a batter, confusing an entire lineup. He’s
already lost so much—he refuses to lose that as well.
Miyuki and Chris are right; it does get easier. He focuses on the physical
sensation of holding the ball, pushing the words away and being mindful of his
breathing. In a moment of desperation he read the pamphlets he left the
hospital with, hands shaking as he dug them out of his desk drawer alone in his
room, but they mostly talked about breathing and relaxing, things Eijun is very
familiar with on the mound.
By the end of the week, he can pitch without thinking about the words that
followed him into the bullpen, but he’s still a little off. The numbness hasn’t
completely left—whether he’s pitching, running, batting, all of his activities
are slightly dulled.
“I don’t feel like my body is part of me anymore,” he admits quietly to Miyuki
as they watch snow fall outside the library window.
Miyuki turns to look at him, his brows creased. Eijun swallows.
“It’s like it doesn’t belong to me anymore….”
Miyuki glances around, but there’s no one paying attention to them—everyone’s
focus is on studying for exams. He slides an arm around Eijun’s shoulders.
“It still belongs to you,” he says quietly, laying his free hand over Eijun’s
heart. “No one can take it from you.”
Eijun huffs, his heartbeat picking up under Miyuki’s hand like it always does.
“But it doesn’t feel like it. I just want to feel like myself again.”
Miyuki goes back to staring out the window, taking his hands off of Eijun. He
misses the warmth, wondering if he can talk Miyuki into taking their books back
to the dorms so they can study under some blankets.
“Have you tried, uh,” Miyuki trails off and Eijun watches a blush creep across
his cheeks. “Taking it back?”
“Huh?”
“You know… reclaiming it?” Eijun watches the blush darken, spread down Miyuki’s
neck as he watches Eijun out of the corner of his eye.
“I don’t understand, senpai.”
“Touch yourself—have you tried touching yourself?”
“Oh….” Eijun’s face feels hot now too. Beyond washing himself and other
necessities, he’s avoided touching his body, avoided being naked and
vulnerable, even by himself. “No.”
“It might help.”
Eijun isn’t sure how it will help, but he tries that night after Kuramochi is
snoring softly. It feels weird with his senpai in the room, but he’s done it a
few times before. Usually he prefers to sneak off to hide in a toilet stall,
but the idea of walking in the freezing dark by himself is too much, and the
thought of asking his roommate to stand outside while he masturbates is out of
the question.
He starts slow, sliding a hand under his shirt and over his stomach—it’s firmer
than it used to be, his time in the weight room already starting to show. He
feels silly, trailing his hands over his chest. He’d rather be touching
Miyuki’s chest, more muscular and wide than his own, and have Miyuki’s hands on
him in return. It’s easy to summon up an appropriate memory; Miyuki’s shirt
pushed up high as Eijun’s mouth and hands explored his chest, his name slipping
from Miyuki’s mouth as he reached to palm the bulge in Eijun’s pants.
It’s enough to have his heart racing, and he’s half-hard in his sweatpants as
his hand slides down to his waistband. He gets his fingertips under the band
before his stomach starts to turn, opening his eyes and staring at the bottom
of Kuramochi’s bunk with a different kind of racing heart.
With his eyes closed it’s too easy to think about the last time someone touched
him sexually, and it forces him to swallow hard around the tightness in his
throat. He takes a calming breath, blinking the tears out of his eyes. He’s
safe in his bed, warm and comfortable aside from the stiffness in his muscles,
the phantom pain between his legs that he tells himself isn’t real.
“I couldn’t,” he tells Miyuki at lunch over their notes for their next exam.
“Couldn’t what? Eijun if you failed an exam.…”
“No, I think I passed. I, uh...you know. Tried last night.” Miyuki looks at him
like he’s lost and Eijun huffs with annoyance—it was his idea in the first
place. “Touching myself.”
“Oh, I see….” Miyuki sets his notes aside carefully, and Eijun wonders if
there’s a way to talk to your boyfriend about jerking off that isn’t awkward.
“The mood wasn’t right. If I had my eyes closed I thought about… you know. But
if I had them open I was just looking at the bottom of the bunk, and that
wasn’t very sexy, either. Not that I really wanted to, anyway, after thinking
about….”
Miyuki nods seriously, like Eijun is talking about any other problem, even
though he’s blushing a little. Eijun blushes too, for what he’s about to ask.
“Maybe if I had some help to set the mood it would be easier.” Miyuki blinks at
him, turning redder. “I mean, I thought about you obviously, but.…”
“You thought about me?” Miyuki smirks, and snickers when Eijun starts to fume.
“Hey, calm down, calm down. I think about you, too.”
Eijun’s annoyance deflates and his heartbeat picks up as he stares at Miyuki,
who suddenly avoids his eyes.
“For longer than we’ve been going out.”
Now it’s Eijun’s turn to smirk.
“Really?” He eyes Miyuki teasingly. “What a perverted senpai, thinking about
his kohai like that.” He knocks his shoulder into Miyuki’s. “How long, huh?”
Miyuki covers his face and Eijun chuckles. It’s rare he has the upper hand
teasing his partner. He’s about to tell him he’s joking when Miyuki mumbles
something.
“What was that, senpai?” Eijun asks, not expecting a serious answer.
“The day we met.” Eijun stares at him, his heart suddenly pounding. “I didn’t
think about you again for a while, but then you came to Seidou and I started
again after a while.”
Eijun blinks at his boyfriend’s profile, fascinated.
“But what did you think about? I think about stuff we’ve done, so before
that….”
“You’re strangely lacking in imagination sometimes, Eijun,” Miyuki says.
“Kazuya,” Eijun’s heart hammers as he reaches for Miyuki’s face. Miyuki lets
Eijun turn his head so that they’re facing each other. Eijun cups Miyuki’s
cheeks, his skin hot under Eijun’s hands. “What did you think about?” He can’t
explain it, but he needs to know.
“I’ll show you sometime, if you want me to.”
He opens his mouth to insist Miyuki give him a real answer, but Miyuki leans
closer, cutting off Eijun’s words with a kiss.
“Do you want my help or not?” Miyuki mumbles against him, the heat from his
skin warming Eijun all over.
“Yes please, senpai,” Eijun answers in a haze and Miyuki pulls back, laughing.
“Then I’ll help you… if you ace your next exam.”
“Miyuki Kazuya!”
“Kidding, kidding,” Miyuki snickers. “Now shut up and study.”
It’s easier to find alone time during exam week. Club and sport activities are
cancelled, and between teammates taking out their stress by swinging in the
indoor practice facility and having extended study sessions in the dining hall,
no one notices Eijun and Kazuya stealing away to room 5.
Eijun locks the door behind them, wipes his sweaty hands on his pants while
Miyuki takes Eijun’s desk chair and places the back under the door handle, the
closest thing they have to a ‘do not disturb’ sign.
Miyuki sits on the edge of Eijun’s bed.
“We don’t have to do this,” he says. “If you’re not ready to, or not in the
mood.”
“No,” Eijun says quickly, sitting next to Miyuki.
“What do you want me to do?” Miyuki asks. His voice is unfairly husky, Eijun
thinks, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.
“Lie down,” Eijun says, the heat of desire already low in his belly right next
to his nervousness, his pulse jumping at the look in Miyuki’s amber eyes.
Miyuki lies down on his side, opens his arms, and Eijun finds himself drawn
into them, Miyuki’s lips warm and soft under his, his body solid and
comforting. He lets himself relax, most of his nerves melting away as instinct
starts to take over. He opens his mouth, Miyuki mirroring the motion, their
tongues sliding against each other, sending a shiver of pleasure straight to
Eijun’s groin.
It’s been over a month since they last kissed like this, since Eijun felt the
press of Miyuki’s growing hardness against his own, a month since….   
“Whenever you’re ready.” Miyuki pulls back, panting lightly against Eijun’s
lips.
Eijun’s stomach sinks a little.
“Don’t you want to touch me, senpai? All my tests were negative…”
“Of course I want to,” Miyuki chuckles. He stroke’s Eijun’s cheek, his eyes
warm with affection and desire. “But that’s not what we’re here for remember?
You’re supposed to be taking it back. Make it feel like yours again, right? I’m
just your mood maker.” He winks and Eijun feels a blush creeping across his
cheeks.
“Yeah, but… it’s a little embarrassing to be on the spot like this. Are you
just going to watch or…?”
“Do you want me to start, then?”
Eijun nods, their foreheads knocking together painfully.
“Ow, watch it,” Miyuki complains, adjusting his glasses as his face starts to
flush pink. His hand goes to the hem of his shirt and hesitates.
“Harder than it seems, huh?” Eijun snickers and Miyuki glares at him, pulls up
his shirt up enough to reveal the light trail of hair there. Eijun stops
laughing, his heartbeat picking back up.
Miyuki lifts his hips off the bed, sliding his sweatpants and underwear down
enough to reveal his cock, stiff and flush, the tip already leaking. He settles
back down, adjusting his glasses again before wrapping his hand around himself
and stroking slowly.
“You too,” he says, “touch yourself.”
Eijun doesn’t need to be told twice, pulling down his own sweatpants and
boxers. He wraps his hand around his cock, not joining Miyuki just yet. He
tries to feel it, really feel the hardness of it under his hand, how it feels
to have his hand wrapped around himself, calloused palm and long fingers
sliding lightly up the shaft, thumb rubbing circles into the tip. Miyuki
catches Eijun’s moan with his mouth.
He falls into a steady rhythm, pushing himself closer to Miyuki’s heat. Their
teeth click together for a second, but neither of them cares, moaning into each
other’s mouths, tongues clumsily mingling together.
“How does it feel?” Miyuki pulls back to ask, his voice sending another shiver
through Eijun.
“Good,” Eijun says, and it does. He feels hot and tingly down to his toes,
every nerve ending aware and alight at Miyuki’s proximity, pleasure building
deep down.
“I wanna touch you so bad.” Miyuki laughs but it gets stuck in his throat,
turning to a moan. “I’m a bad mood-maker, huh?”
“What are you talking about, senpai—I’m in the mood, aren’t I?”
Miyuki laughs, rolls onto his back and slows down his rhythm, stroking himself
lazily, pulling his shirt up and further exposing his abs.
“Come here,” he breathes, hair messy and lips wet, and Eijun has to stop
touching himself before he comes.
Eijun sits up, peels off his shirt and tosses it on the ground before moving
between Miyuki’s legs, spread as wide as they can go with his sweatpants still
on. He leans down for a kiss, bracing himself with one arm next to Miyuki as
the other goes back to his cock, stroking the wetness from his tip across the
shaft as Miyuki’s free hand starts to touch him.
His skin feels sensitive and alive, hyper aware as Miyuki’s fingers caress his
chest, his thumb teasing Eijun’s nipples hard until Eijun is moaning Miyuki’s
name into his mouth. Miyuki’s hand keeps touching, leaving trails of warmth all
over Eijun’s chest, stomach, sides, back. His hand stops over Eijun’s heart,
fingers flexing, tongue stilling against Eijun’s, and then he’s groaning, his
arm pumping as his body shudders with release.
“Kazuya,” he moans, “I’m gonna—ah....”
“Come,” Miyuki tells him, his hand tangling in Eijun’s hair as he pulls Eijun
back to his mouth for a sloppy kiss.
Eijun lets the pleasure build, spilling himself onto Miyuki’s stomach, his hips
thrusting forward. His mind blanks, moaning into Miyuki’s mouth as he rides the
wave of his orgasm. He pulls back, gasping for air as he comes back down,
slowly becoming aware of his body again as he hovers over his obscenely
attractive boyfriend; his obscenely attractive boyfriend who doesn’t like being
dirty.    
“I’m sorry,” Eijun groans into Miyuki’s neck.
“For what?” Miyuki strokes the back of Eijun’s head, slowing his pounding
heart.
“I’ve never come that much in my life.”
Miyuki chuckles, the vibration tickling Eijun’s nose.
“Is it gross if I thought it was really sexy?”
Eijun’s face grows hot.
“I always knew you were secretly a pervert, but I must be too, because when you
said it I wanted to do it again.”
“Already?” Miyuki laughs.
“No, I think I’m empty right now.” Eijun kisses the side of Miyuki’s neck.
“Really? Do you want me to check?”
Eijun groans, his cock already stirring with interest.
“I’m joking Eijun, unless….”
“Shut up, senpai.” Eijun pushes himself up, taking in the sight of Miyuki on
his bed, hair a mess, shirt pushed up to his nipples now, stomach a mess with
both of their come.
“Well, uh….” Eijun rubs the back of his neck as it grows hotter. “What did you
have in mind?”
Miyuki grins smugly, his own cock mostly hard again already.
“Get me some tissues and I’ll show you.”
He feels normal, helping Miyuki clean off the mess they made, not a worry in
the world when Miyuki has him on the bed again, the heat of his mouth
enveloping Eijun’s cock. His hand tangles in his boyfriend’s hair, taken in by
the passion in his eyes, the way he knows exactly what to do with his tongue to
make Eijun’s toes curl, as if they hadn’t taken a month-long break in exploring
each other’s bodies.
“How do you feel?” Miyuki asks, his clothed chest pressed against Eijun’s bare
one, their arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled together on the bed.
“Sleepy,” Eijun answers, and yelps when Miyuki pinches his arm. “Good,” he
answers sincerely. “That felt really good.”
“Do you feel like this is yours?” Miyuki wedges his hand in between them,
skimming his hand down Eijun’s chest.
“Yeah,” Eijun realizes, warmth spreading to his stomach as his hand joins
Miyuki’s. He feels more relaxed, more at peace than he has in a month. “I think
it helped.”
“Good,” Miyuki mumbles against Eijun’s lips. “We can do it however often you
need until you’re sure.”
“You’re such a selfless senpai.” Eijun nips at Miyuki’s lip, interlaces their
fingers and breathes a sigh of relief.
He can hear chatter outside, people moving toward dinner. He knows they’ll have
to get up soon, join everyone for mealtime and more studying, but for now he
just enjoys the slowness of Miyuki’s relaxed breaths, exactly where he wants to
be.
Chapter End Notes
     I made an updates page that I'll keep updated with my progress on the
     fic in case you get nervous, I haven't given up!
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Notes
     I was just going to post one last long chapter but I'm really slow
     and I ran a poll on my twitter to see if people wanted a little treat
     for Miyuki's birthday so here it is, how Miyuki's birthday should
     have gone down. I'm sorry it's not plot heavy, but the next one, I
     promise...
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Kazuya’s legs still feel sore, his breath coming out in clouds as he adjusts
his bag over his stiff shoulders. He keeps his hands in his pockets, for warmth
and a reminder to keep his hands to himself outside the safety of the dorms. He
gives Sawamura a sideways glance; he still looks on edge, eyes darting
everywhere as they walk to the train station, his hands gripping the straps of
his bag across his chest tightly.
They pass a crowd of people and Sawamura lets out a relieved sigh, burying his
nose into the scarf that Kazuya wrapped around him at the dorms. It makes
warmth bloom in Kazuya’s chest, seeing Sawamura breathing in his smell for
comfort, or maybe he’s just cold; the small smile Sawamura gives him makes him
think it’s the former.
“We’re almost there,” Takashima looks over her shoulder at them and Kazuya is a
little regretful the walk to the train station is so short.
They already said their private goodbye behind closed doors, mumbling ‘it’s
only a week’ against each other’s lips in between kisses until Kuramochi banged
on the door to tell them it was time to leave.
Standing amongst the group of tired and relieved baseball players saying their
farewells before heading home for New Year’s break Kazuya wishes he could have
one more kiss before Takashima and Sawamura meet Sawamura’s parents waiting on
a train platform. Sawamura turns and waves to Kazuya and even from his separate
platform Kazuya can see the tears in his eyes even though he’s smiling
brightly. He waves to a few more teammates, his parents bowing in Kazuya’s
direction and Kazuya’s gut twists painfully.
It’s only a week, he has to tell himself, reminded of the last time he saw
Sawamura’s parents in a hospital room where Kazuya thought he might lose
Sawamura to Nagano forever.  
He’ll be back, he’ll be back, Kazuya repeats to himself, moving to his platform
to wait for the train home.
He’s not surprised to find his father still working even though it’s the day
before New Year’s Eve but he is surprised he’s the only one in the shop.
Kazuya’s not sure if he sent the workers home out of kindness so at least they
could be with their families, because he couldn’t afford to keep them there, or
because he wants to be alone.
He makes it up the stairs on shaky legs, a week of Seidou’s Winter Training
Camp from hell making him want to collapse but he’s back out the door, clinging
to the railing on his way down after a few minutes to pick up a few things at
the store. His hand doesn’t leave his pocket, fingers wrapped around his phone
waiting for it to vibrate with a message from Sawamura telling him he’s home
safely even though Kazuya knows he’s still hours away from home.
It’s not until he’s nearly done washing the dishes from dinner that his phone
vibrates. He finishes hastily, drying his hands roughly before fishing his
phone out.
Text from Sawamura Eijun:
Made it home!
He’s about to respond when his phone vibrates again.
Text from Sawamura Eijun:
I miss you already Kazuya (ToT)
Kazuya stares at the text, his heart beating unnecessarily fast.
Text from Miyuki Kazuya:
It’s only a week, it’ll be over before you know it
That message may have been as much for Kazuya as it is for Eijun. He tries to
relax for the rest of the night, letting his body recover from the harsh
training by lazing on his bed, the door open in case his dad wants to talk to
him but he only waves on his way to bed. The room feels dusty from lack of use.
He spends the next day cleaning and cooking for New Year’s, letting his brain
relax for a while. It’s routine and comforting except part of his focus is
always on his pocket. When the first bell rings signaling the new year his
phone vibrates with it, his first text from Sawamura since waking up to a ‘good
morning!’ he read before he put his glasses on.
He can’t help the smile that quirks his lips reaching for his first text of the
New Year. It doesn’t escape his father’s notice, sipping a beer and turning
down the TV.
“That was fast,” his father says, a familiar smirk on his face. “Is it a girl?”
Kazuya freezes, his phone in his hand and his tongue suddenly dry. It doesn’t
seem like the best time to tell his father he’s gay, that it’s from his
boyfriend; he’s not sure when that moment will be but he knows there’s no way
he can do it now.
“It’s a teammate,” he says simply, glancing down at the message.
Text from Sawamura Eijun:
Happy New Year Kazuya! This year for sure, we’ll win Koshien!
Baseball idiot, Kazuya thinks fondly, unable to suppress the smile on his face,
his fingers automatically typing out a reply.
“Is it Sawamura Eijun?” His father asks and Kazuya nearly drops his phone, his
heart pounding and brain spinning.
How could his father possibly know Sawamura’s name?
“Yeah,” he says neutrally, trying to school his face into something that won’t
show is shock. He hardly ever talks to his father, and never about his
teammates.
His father laughs, a sound he hasn’t heard in years.
“He’s quite the character isn’t he?” He father shakes his head, still smiling
and Kazuya doesn’t know what to think.
“He is,” Kazuya admits, not un-fondly.
His father looks like he wants to say something more but he doesn’t, takes
another sip of his beer and turns away, doesn’t talk again until he says
goodnight and happy New Year, laying a hand on Kazuya’s head as he walks past;
the most physical affection Kazuya’s received from him since he was in
elementary school.
He stares at his phone.
Text from Miyuki Kazuya:
How does my father know you?
He waits impatiently, clearing the dishes from the table and getting ready for
bed to distract himself.
Text from Sawamura Eijun:
Can I show you back at Seidou?
It has to do with your birthday present.
He helped me with it
Kazuya almost drops his phone in the sink as he brushes his teeth. He hasn’t
thought about his birthday present since he put it out of sight in Sawamura’s
desk over a month ago. It feels much longer than that.
Texts from Sawamura Eijun:
I feel like I’m ready to give it to you
Kazuya’s father doesn’t bring up Sawamura again for the rest of Kazuya’s break
and Kazuya doesn’t ask, his curiosity burning quietly, always in the back of
his head even as he reads or watches TV.
He meets Sawamura at the train station. Takashima is already there when he
arrives, waiting to escort him back after being entrusted with his safety by
his parents. His heart leaps at seeing Sawamura there, grinning brightly and
wishing him a happy new year in person.
“It was a little weird being home at first,” Sawamura tells him on their way
back to Seidou, Takashima walking far enough behind them that they have some
privacy. “Seeing my friends was nice, kind of awkward for the first few minutes
because they didn’t know and I wasn’t sure if I should tell them but I didn’t.
I just wanted to have a good time and not think about it anymore. It was really
nice.” His laugh is so carefree and light, warming Kazuya down to his toes.
Kazuya nods. He wanted to know how home was for him sooner but he knew Sawamura
prefers face-to-face communication, or at least is a notoriously unreliable
texter; he felt happy that he got a short message every day, much more than
Wakana has gotten, much to Kuramochi’s delight.
“I did tell them one thing though,” Sawamura says, his face turning pink
against the cold and he whispers to Kazuya, looking around furtively. “I told
them I have a boyfriend.”
That catches Kazuya off guard and he stares at his boyfriend, butterflies in
his stomach.
“They were fine with it, and they said they wouldn’t tell anyone else. It was
just…that’s a good thing and I wanted to share it…right?” He looks at Kazuya,
uncertainty etched on his face, brown eyes wide.
“Yeah,” Kazuya says and Sawamura’s worry melts away. “That’s fine, you just
surprised me.”
“It was good practice anyway; I’ll have to tell my parents someday. Does…does
your dad know?” He asks, unsubtle as ever as he eyes Kazuya out of the corner
of his eye and brings up his father.
“No, although he already knows your name it seems.”
“Maybe I should have told you,” Sawamura frowns. “I didn’t want to bring it up
though, because…you know.”
“I know,” Kazuya says, staring at Sawamura warmly, bumping his shoulder into
Sawamura’s.
Sawamura’s strength and bravery never fail to amaze him.
Takashima leaves them at the dormitory gates, the security guard there,
shivering through layers of coats.
“Can we go to your room?” Sawamura asks and Kazuya agrees, waiting outside
while Sawamura deposits his bag and retrieves the present hidden in his desk
drawer.
Kazuya is glad Sawamura’s hands are steady, wrapped around the heavily crinkled
wrapping paper. Looking at it makes him nauseous, he can’t imagine how Sawamura
must feel but he appears calm as he follows Kazuya up the stairs and to his
room.
Kazuya’s dorm room is cold and feels surreal after only a week. He switches on
the space heater, Eijun settling on Kazuya’s bed and kneeling, holding out the
battered present with a sense of formalness that makes Kazuya suppress a
snicker.
“Please accept my humble offer Miyuki Kazuya, I’m sorry…I’m sorry it’s so
late.”
Kazuya doesn’t bother admonishing him for apologizing; he just takes the gift
with both hands and sits next to Sawamura who leans in closer to him, their
arms rubbing together. He tries not to think about everything that transpired
to make Sawamura apologize, to make the gift in his hands ripped and slightly
dirty and two months late. All he knows is his feelings for Sawamura haven’t
changed, if anything they’ve strengthened from seeing even more of his
fortitude and determination, and he’s fully prepared to love this boy forever
and cherish whatever it is that was so important that it sparked the night of
his birthday into taking a tragic turn. He tries not to think about that as he
rips the wrapping paper off revealing what appears to be the back of a black
journal; he turns it over, revealing that the front has “Miyuki Kazuya’s Famous
Recipe Book” written in careful and familiar handwriting.
“You have to open it…please,” Sawamura says before Kazuya can thank him. He
sounds a little nervous but excited and Kazuya obliges.
Inside Kazuya finds Sawamura’s hard work. Each page has a recipe collected from
their teammates; Miyauchi’s coveted protein shake recipe, Chris’ family’s
recipe for “get well soup”, Takashima’s “refreshing summer salad”, and a few
recipes from Sawamura’s family “please make this one for me, senpai” scrawled
in one of the corners. Kazuya turns the pages chuckling at Sawamura’s eagerness
to have Kazuya cook for him and stops, his eyes going wide as he stares at the
next page, familiar handwriting on a piece of paper affixed to the page. He
knows the handwriting immediately, fingers trailing over the page of his
mother’s work.
“They’re just copies,” Sawamura says apologetically. “Your dad made them and
sent them to me. I was so nervous to talk to him,” he laughs self-consciously,
his fists clenched on his lap.
Kazuya cuts him off with a kiss, the pressing urge to make Sawamura know
exactly how Kazuya feels about him bubbling up inside him and making him feel
shaky, his heart racing as he presses fevered kisses against Sawamura’s pliant
mouth.
“I love you, Sawamura Eijun,” Kazuya says against his lips, eyes open a crack
to see Sawamura’s eyes widen and feel his lip quiver against Kazuya’s own.
“I love you too, Miyuki Kazuya,” he says back and Kazuya’s face burns as he
kisses him again, both of them tentative now after crossing such a large bridge
together.  
“You’re not just saying that because…” Sawamura trails off, his breath hot on
Kazuya’s face, making his stomach flip.
“Because you’re determined and brave and resilient and the most thoughtful
idiot I’ve ever met?” Kazuya snickers when Sawamura turns redder. To his
surprise Sawamura doesn’t protest, instead he wraps his arms around Kazuya and
pulls him down with him on the bed, the book pressed between their stomachs.
“When does your roommate get back?” Sawamura asks, kissing Kazuya’s jaw, making
his groin start to stir with interest.
“Tomorrow afternoon,” Kazuya says, nerves heightening his senses as Sawamura
continues to kiss him, knowing where Sawamura is going with this. “Did you want
to sleep here?”
“Yeah…” Sawamura says quietly, his mouth pausing near Kazuya’s ear, making him
squirm a little. He’s careful not to hold Sawamura too tightly, leaving the
choice up to him when he presses their bodies together. “I was thinking…” He
can hear Sawamura swallow. “I was thinking about the other half of your
birthday present…”
“There’s no rush, Eijun,” Kazuya strokes his back, feeling him tremble slightly
even though he can also feel the beginning of the hardness in his pants pressed
against his own. “We can have sex whenever you’re ready.” His face flushes but
if he can’t say the word he shouldn’t be having it anyway.
“I was ready on your birthday,” he says, pulling back to look at Kazuya, his
eyes shiny as he lays his head down. “I want to do it. I want to move past
everything and have the life that I wanted. And I…I want to be that close to
you because…I love you.”
“You turn red when you say it, it’s cute,” Kazuya chuckles and watches some of
the tension leave Sawamura’s shoulders.
“You’re red too Kazuya,” Sawamura huffs and Kazuya kisses him softly, smiling.
“I know,” he says. “I want to be close to you like that too.” He kisses
Sawamura again, slow and gentle, their mouths parting to allow their tongues to
slide together. “We’ll go slowly,” he breathes against wet lips, his cock
already hard. “I’ll go first.”
“If that’s what you want senpai,” Sawamura kisses him again, sliding his hand
up the back of Kazuya’s shirt. “This was supposed to be your birthday present.”
“It’s what I want,” Kazuya slides his hand up Sawamura’s shirt too and he
flinches at Kazuya’s cold fingers. “Sorry,” he snickers, letting Sawamura’s
warmer skin heat up his hands. He swallows. “When I picture us having sex it’s
usually you on top. That’s ah…this is so embarrassing to admit,” he laughs even
though he knows Sawamura isn’t going to judge him. “That’s what I usually think
about when I jerk off. The thing I said I’d show you someday…” Sawamura looks
pleased, chuckling softly, making Kazuya’s stomach do another flip.
“I’m not surprised you want the great Sawamura Eijun to pleasure you like
that,” he tickles Kazuya’s face with warm laughter and for a moment Kazuya
thinks things will be fine until the hands on his back still and the chuckling
stops. “But I…” Kazuya can see him working through the tightness in his throat
and he tries to stroke his back reassuringly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s going to hurt at first but I don’t care” he says evenly. “We’ll figure
out how to make it feel good for both of us; it’ll just take practice right?
You’ve never been one to shy away from practice,” Kazuya chuckles at the
swelling of Sawamura’s chest. “It’ll be fun, won’t it? Figuring out what feels
good.” He grinds his erection against Sawamura’s and watches his eyelashes
flutter closed as he bites back a groan.
Kazuya pulls away briefly to put his present safely aside, pulling Sawamura
closer when he returns; enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed together,
their lips melding together perfectly. It feels natural and yet completely
different than before; they’ve touched each other plenty in the past but this
time there’s a goal involved, purpose in Sawamura’s fingers as he slides
Kazuya’s pants and underwear down and discards them on the floor. It heightens
his senses and makes him a little nervous, giggling breathlessly as Sawamura
lays light kisses on his stomach.
He cups Sawamura’s cheek, guiding him, bright eyed and red lipped back up
Kazuya’s body to kiss him again. He tugs on Sawamura’s sweater, breaking the
kiss to pull it over his head, removing his own as well and searching under his
mattress until his hand finds cold, hard plastic and a few scattered wrappers.
He pulls them out, taking in the downturn of Sawamura’s mouth and the pained
look in his eyes and sets them aside.
“Eijun,” he strokes his boyfriend’s cheek until he pries his eyes away from the
lube and condom on the mattress and blinks at Kazuya. “We don’t have to do this
now; I’m content to just be with you.” Sawamura shakes his head emphatically,
eyes brightening back up and making Kazuya’s pulse jump when he fixes Kazuya
with that determined look.
“We don’t get many chances to be alone like this. If we do it now we can go
slow like you said and…” he swallows, eyes downcast. “If…I…if we need to stop
we can and…just…do something else.”
Kazuya nods in agreement. Someday, he thinks, pulling Sawamura back into a slow
kiss, someday we’ll have more time to be alone.
He lets Sawamura take the initiative, kissing and touching each other’s bare
skin until lust outweighs any nerves and Sawamura finds his way between
Kazuya’s legs. Kazuya tries to set him at ease, stroking his chest as he
reaches for the lube.
“I uh…” Sawamura’s voice is husky, making Kazuya break out in goosebumps. “I’m
supposed to use my fingers right?”
“Yeah,” Kazuya slides his hand up his chest and feels how fast his heart is
beating. “If you want me to do it instead I can.”
“No, I should…I can do it.” Kazuya watches Sawamura take the cap off, pausing a
moment to blink at him, his brows furrowed. “It’s open. Have you used it
before?”
“Ah, yeah, kind of,” Kazuya can feel himself turning red under Sawamura’s
scrutinizing gaze. “I thought if I was going to offer I should make sure I
wasn’t going to hate it.” He stares back at Sawamura, waiting for him to
proceed but he seems frozen, staring intently at Kazuya.
“And?” He finally asks, huffing with frustration at Kazuya’s lack of
elaboration.
“It’s fine; I’m sure I’ll like it better if it’s you,” Kazuya says, rubbing his
leg against Sawamura’s, trying to make him move along. “Put it on your fingers
and let it warm up, it was cold when I did it.” Sawamura nods, looking a little
red but his hands are steady enough as he does what Kazuya says, spreading a
generous amount of the clear substance on his fingers. It’s much more appealing
like this, with Sawamura here on his bed, not by himself in a bathroom stall,
one foot on the toilet seat as he touched himself experimentally.
“I think it’s warm,” he says, breathing on his hand for good measure as he
looks at Kazuya for further instructions.
It doesn’t surprise Kazuya; Sawamura is used to following his lead as a catcher
and as Sawamura’s senpai, when he feels like respecting that. It’s not
unexpected that he’s looking for guidance now; the problem is that Kazuya has
never done this for real before…he tries not to think about how Sawamura has
technically had sex before, under extremely different circumstances and given
how lost he is Kazuya’s assumption that there was little to no preparation
makes his stomach churn.
He tries to relax into the bed, warmed up by their bodies. “Just come here,”
Kazuya pats the bed beside him and Sawamura lies down. “Kiss me.”
 Sawamura moves in, their lips parting together, tongues mingling, sliding
against one another sensually, sending a shiver of anticipation down Kazuya’s
spine. His cock feels painfully hard now that Sawamura is close, most of his
erection lost from nerves and embarrassment as they talked. When he feels
relaxed and turned on enough he reaches for Sawamura’s wrist, guiding it
between his legs as he spreads them wider, draping one over Sawamura’s warm
body. It takes some fumbling around but Sawamura finds the right spot, and it
takes every bit of self-control not to flinch from the surprising feeling of
someone touching him there for the first time, glad that Sawamura can’t feel
his pulse jump.
“Rub gently,” Kazuya says against Sawamura’s lips and he nods slightly,
swallowing hard and doing what Kazuya said. Kazuya tries to push his tension
away, sinking deeper into the pillow and getting lost in the feel of Sawamura’s
mouth, his body radiating warmth next to him. “Push,” he mumbles quietly,
unsure that Sawamura heard him until his finger slowly starts to enter him
 “Are you ok?” Sawamura says, breathing a little heavier than he probably
should and Kazuya nods, stroking his hair.
“I’m fine, just relax Eijun; I can’t relax properly if you’re so nervous.”
 “Sorry,” Sawamura says, closing his eyes and breathing in and out in a way
Kazuya is very familiar way; although he never thought he would see Sawamura
making that face with a finger inside Kazuya’s ass. He hopes the next time he
sees Sawamura make that face on the mound he doesn’t lose it laughing, or worse
get hard in the middle of a game…
“You can move,” Kazuya clears his throat when Sawamura seems to have found his
calm place. To his relief the goofy look leaves Sawamura’s face and he kisses
Kazuya long and deep, his hand moving achingly slow as he starts to finger
Kazuya.
It’s obvious they’re both inexperienced and nervous as they continue but it
feels perfect to Kazuya. All of his nerve endings are hyper aware of Sawamura’s
body, the way he’s breathing, the steadying rhythm of his hand, now two fingers
inside of Kazuya; it makes Kazuya’s hair stand on end, his legs feeling like
they’re turning to jelly. He’s never felt this singularly focused outside of
baseball; there could be an earthquake, the building could catch on fire, and
he wouldn’t notice as long as Sawamura was touching him.
He can feel the sticky pre-come pooling on his stomach when he tells Sawamura
he’s ready, his cock begging to be touched, Sawamura’s cock pressed against his
hip hot and leaking.
“Sit up,” he tells him and Sawamura complies, leaving Kazuya feeling oddly
empty with the absence of his fingers. Sawamura’s face flushes as Kazuya
fumbles with the condom wrapper to get it open. It smells like rubber, which
isn’t a turn on but Kazuya doesn’t mind, rolling it down Sawamura’s length,
making him bite back a moan.
“Don’t come from just this,” Kazuya snickers, coating Sawamura’s length in more
lube. “It would be a waste.”
“I won’t,” Sawamura glares at him, the effect dulled by the involuntary twitch
of his hips into Kazuya’s hand as he pulls away, making Kazuya laugh.
He’s still chuckling warmly as he adds more lube to his entrance, the skin
sensitive and pliant, ready as it ever will be as he positions himself in
Sawamura’s lap. When Sawamura starts to lean back to lay down Kazuya stops him
with a kiss, drawing him back up.
“Stay here,” he mumbles against his lips. He doesn’t need to be told twice, his
hands resting on Kazuya’s hips as he lowers himself, gripping Sawamura’s cock
as he lines himself up with the tip. He presses down, meeting some resistance
at first but it goes in and he stops there, trying to breathe normally. It’s
different than fingers, but he knew it would be. It’s hot, even through the
synthetic material, and denser than Sawamura’s fingers, stretching him further.
 
Sawamura waits patiently, his lightly trembling hands wandering around Kazuya’s
skin, stroking his thighs, his sides, his lower back until Kazuya feels
comfortable sliding down further. It doesn’t take long, little breaks to adjust
but it’s going much smoother than he expected, most of the stinging sensation
dulled by the time he’s sitting fully on Sawamura’s lap. He tries not to tense
up, taking in the foreign feeling of fullness inside of him. When he feels
ready he raises himself experimentally, sinking back down when to his surprise
Sawamura gasps, his fingers tightening on Kazuya’s hips and his eyes shutting
tight.
“Eijun, what’s wrong?” Kazuya asks, his voice uneven but his hand steady when
it cups Sawamura’s cheek.  Sawamura leans against his hand, his chest rising
with deep, deliberate breaths.
“You’ll tell me if you want to stop, right?” Sawamura opens his eyes, staring
right at Kazuya, the raw earnestness in his eyes making Kazuya feel barer than
should be possible when he’s already naked and spread open. “It feels good,
but…I don’t want to hurt you, it’s more important that I don’t hurt you…”
“I promise,” Kazuya whispers into Sawamura’s mouth as they melt together,
chests pressed so tightly Kazuya swears he can feel Sawamura’s heart hammering
with his own.
It feels better than he ever imagined it would and he knows it’s because it’s
with Sawamura. Being connected like this, feeling Sawamura’s breath on his bare
skin, Kazuya’s name falling from his parted lips like prayers making his chest
ache, his heart feeling  like it’s going to swell and burst as their bodies
move together in an unsteady rhythm. Just as he’s wondering if it could
possibly feel more right, more perfect, he comes down at a different angle and
he swears he sees stars as pleasure courses through his body, letting out an
involuntary moan against Sawamura’s lips, which he can feel quirk up into a
smile.
“What was that?” Sawamura says breathlessly, his voice low and playful. “Was
it, here?” He hits the same spot again, Kazuya’s head lolling back to stare
glassy-eyed at the ceiling, another guttural moan ripped from his throat from
the pleasure, his body growing hot and his thighs starting to shake. “I want it
to feel good for you too Kazuya,” Sawamura says against Kazuya’s throat,
punctuating with a wet kiss, sending a shiver down Kazuya’s spine as Sawamura’s
hot breath ghosts over his skin.
“Good,” Kazuya swallows, having a hard time getting his throat to form words,
“it’s good, I…I love you Eijun.” 
Sawamura takes a stuttering breath, his hands tangling in Kazuya’s hair and
bringing their lips together, their teeth clashing painfully in their fervor
but Kazuya doesn’t care, Sawamura pulling back a little to whisper “I love you”
before their mouths find each other again less violently.
Kazuya can feel the shift in Sawamura’s body language, the way his hands
tighten on Kazuya’s hips, his breaths becoming shallower, his hips moving more
urgently as he builds toward release. It spurs Kazuya on faster, his heart
pounding as he leads Sawamura to the height of pleasure. It happens quickly,
Sawamura’s tongue halting movement against Kazuya’s and a groan building in his
throat. Kazuya pulls away to see his face better, watching long eyelashes
flutter over burning golden eyes as he loses himself to the moment, his hips
snapping up roughly before rolling to a stop as Kazuya stills on his lap.
He takes the chance to catch his breath, taking in the rise and fall of
Sawamura’s chest, the sheen of sweat on Sawamura’s skin before he starts to
squirm a little, Sawamura’s cock still inside him. He reaches for his leaking
cock, intending to finish himself off quickly but his fingers barely brush hot
skin before Sawamura’s eyes open and his hand closes around Kazuya’s wrist.
Kazuya lifts a brow and Sawamura licks his lips; when he talks it comes out low
and sexier than Kazuya’s ever heard it.
“Let me do that,” he says and Kazuya nods, letting Sawamura’s warm hand wrap
around his aching cock, clever fingers spreading wetness from the tip and
stroking him with practiced ease.
Kazuya finds himself grinding against Sawamura’s lap, seeking more stimulation
than pleasantly warm fullness inside of him, more of that friction. It doesn’t
take long for Sawamura to have him on the brink, between his talented fingers,
cock, and the hungry kisses he’s peppering along Kazuya’s neck and jaw, it’s
almost sensory overload. He feels it building deep in his gut, warmth spreading
out as his focus narrows to the hand on him, spilling himself all over it with
a moan on his lips, swallowed by Sawamura’s warm mouth.
He feels satisfied and sore, lying under the covers with Sawamura, the condom
and dirty tissues hidden discreetly in the garbage can. It stings a little and
he lifted himself off Sawamura’s cock too fast than was comfortable but he’s
not about to complain, not after sharing something so good with Sawamura. He
strokes Sawamura’s bare back, holding him tighter, enjoying the luxury of being
naked with him without fear of interruption.
“That was amazing,” Sawamura says again, still in awe, still smiling at Kazuya
with that bright smile that thrills him down to his toes.
“It was,” Kazuya agrees. I’ll make it feel good for you when you’re ready, he
thinks, kissing Sawamura’s beaming cheek and poking him in the side. “You
better not smile so much in the dining hall, everyone will ask why and you’re a
terrible liar, they’ll know something is up.”
“I won’t,” Sawamura grins wickedly and Kazuya chooses to close his eyes rather
than roll them, kissing Sawamura’s smiling lips.
Chapter End Notes
     Thank you for your patience while I finish this up, I really
     appreciate it. You can check my progress here
End Notes
     I used this_map as a reference for Seidou's layout in case anyone was
     curious.
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