Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7483044.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Twenty_One_Pilots, Bandom
  Relationship:
      Josh_Dun/Tyler_Joseph, Tyler_Joseph/Original_Male_Character(s)
  Character:
      Tyler_Joseph, Josh_Dun, Original_Male_Character(s)
  Additional Tags:
      christian!tyler, Anal_Fingering, Anal_Sex, Blow_Jobs, Mildly_Dubious
      Consent, sorta_not_really, Masturbation, this_is_honestly_just
      disgusting, i_havent_done_anything_so_bad_in_my_life, Regret, so_happy
      thats_a_tag, honestly_i_think_its_better_than_the_summary_makes_it_out_to
      be, read_me
  Series:
      Part 1 of Save
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-07-14 Words: 16575
****** It's as good as I can be (This is all that I can be) ******
by ttsg
Summary
     Tyler struggles with the meaning of being religious as well as his
     developing sexuality
Notes
     Forgive me for I have sinned. Tyler is about 16-17 through most of
     this. This is also just really disgusting and I lowkey (highkey) hate
     myself for writing it. This is also lowkey based off the song Save by
     Tyler Joseph
See the end of the work for more notes
It was definitely not the way that he was brought up but he was realizing
really quickly that he couldn't control it.

 Feelings, he couldn't control his feelings. Actions, though? He stopped caring
when he understood that he was going to hell one way or another. Might as well
go big and get a spot next to the devil.

 It first started when he hit puberty and learned what a boner was. Tyler was
pretty sure that that night he cried because he felt impure for even so much as
thinking about  touching  himself. God forbid he get pleasure out of it. That
was the same time that he really learned what sex was. His mother told him that
it was between a man and a woman when they were deeply in love and married.
Surely this was a sin, right?

 He hadn't actually meant to, it was completely an accident but he realized
that  shit, shit, that felt good . He had been trying to distract himself from
the weird feeling in his pants and he reached across himself to grab something
off his bedside table. His fingers brushed against himself and he shivered.
Tyler realized right then and there that he was going to hell. He experimented
with it for far too long, trying to talk himself out of it because it was  so,
so  wrong but then he'd reach down and palm himself and he was biting his
tongue because he couldn't help but whimper. Tyler would hold real still and
look over to his door like his parents had heard and we're going to burst
inside. They didn't and he let out a breath he'd been holding and applied a
little more pressure. Tyler didn't need to look in a mirror to know that his
face was red and he probably looked like he was in pain. But really it felt way
too good and it was definitely not enough and he was struggling with keeping
God in his mind while he was slowly palming himself.

 God slipped from his mind pretty quickly when he squeezed just slightly,
squirming on his bed, learning pretty quickly how to keep quiet. Tyler was
looking over his shoulder every so often at the door because he was still
terrified that his mother might pop in for something or his brother, or sister,
some random neighbor.

 It really wasn't enough anymore and he popped the button on his jeans, gasping
quietly because he hadn't realized how tight it had gotten and how good it felt
to relieve some of that pressure. Tyler let his fingers trail inside his pants
slowly, wanting desperately to scream but he didn't, knew that it would end
badly for him if he did. His fingers were tip-toeing over his boxers, a new and
exciting feeling versus that over his pants. He felt more this way, it was
easier to grab at himself, it was way more sensitive. He gave himself another
experimental squeeze and then it was all too much and he was letting out these
breathy little moans and he couldn't move and everything felt too much. He was
choking over air, eyes wide and body frozen because holy shit, what even was
that. His boxers felt wet and his face was wet now too because surely he had
sinned, he would have to beg for forgiveness that night. Tyler buttoned his
pants again and sniffled, standing up and heading over to the bathroom. He took
a quick shower to clean off before he went downstairs for family dinner.

 "Tyler, why were you taking a shower in the middle of the day?" His mother
questioned as she set the table. Nobody was paying too much attention to him
otherwise they would have caught him in his lie, plain and simple.

 "Uh, just wanted to do it now and avoid doing it tonight?" He phrased it as a
question and his mother still didn't notice.

 "You usually shower in the mornings before school," she stated, turning and
looking at him. He quickly schooled his face as best he could, trying to hide
the worry that was there.

 "Thought it would save time to do it at night since Jay and Zack like to
shower in the morning, too." His mother accepted the lie and didn't question it
again that night.

 He spent that night on his knees by his bed, hoping that he could be forgiven
for what he'd done.

 After that first time, he tried to avoid it as much as possible. He couldn't
deny it to himself or anyone up above if they were listening that he'd enjoyed
it. The thoughts of touching himself kept popping up in his head and man, he
wanted to do it again but he was trying to be good. He wanted his parents to be
proud of him and he didn't want to lose his faith, he believed in it all. But
that meant that whatever happened the other day, couldn't happen again. No
matter how often he got hard, or how often he "accidentally" brushed his hand
across the front of his pants. Each time it was like a shock of electricity and
it was becoming increasingly harder not to.

 To keep up with his small lie, he started showering at night. It proved to be
somewhat useful actually.

 Tyler could only tell himself no so much before it was extremely difficult not
to. Exactly two weeks and three days was his breaking point.

 He was in the shower, trying to ignore the way his hand itched to just touch.
He was fighting with himself internally before he decided that one little touch
wouldn't kill him. God couldn't send him to hell just for a couple seconds,
right? It wasn't actually a couple seconds though.

 He ran his palm across his dick, reaching his other hand up to cover his mouth
because it was way better than he'd remembered. Tyler squeezed his eyes shut
and did his best to let his mind go blank. He didn't want to think about
religion or God because this felt nice and he was going to enjoy it while it
lasted.

 Tyler tentatively wrapped his fingers around himself, breathing in through his
nose at even the light touch. It felt like his whole body was shaking and every
nerve in his body was screaming good. He opened his eyes and looked down,
trying to understand everything. He'd had sex education classes in school but
they were brief and didn't explain anything. They'd basically told him that if
he had sex he'd get aids or some other disease and that was the extent of his
knowledge. They'd mentioned the word masturbation and he'd scoffed at the idea
but now that he was here, it still didn't make sense to him.

 He moved his hand slowly, finding it hard to do much of anything because he
was so sensitive, why had he never noticed before? He was definitely noticing
now. Tyler squeezed his hand a little harder and gave himself a good couple of
tugs before that way too good feeling happened again and there was white on his
stomach and on his hand. He faced the stream of the water and frowned, watching
as it washed away.

 That night when he was sure his parents went to sleep, he pulled out his
notebook computer that his parents had gotten for him one Christmas. He was
googling any keywords he could find, deciding that it couldn't be that much of
a sin, he wasn't doing it to anyone else. He figured that if this was going to
become a thing that he'd have to at least understand what his body was doing,
what he was doing.

 It was an educational night for Tyler.

 He stopped fearing his own body shortly after that. He was still careful about
it, worried that somebody might find out and judge him for it but he didn't
mind so much. There was always that worry in the back of his mind, nagging at
him to think about if this aligned with what they preached in church. It was a
battle in his head that caused a lot of anxiety for Tyler. On one hand, it
seemed like something that would be very against everything he had been raised
to believe in, on the other, there wasn't anything he could remember that
specifically said he couldn't. So he tried his very hardest not to let it
affect him too much. It felt good and once he started, if his body was itching
for that release then why should he continually say no. It was a hell of alot
easier to just take a quick shower and get off then try to will away another
boner.

 As he got older he figured out how to keep his body in check and for the most
part, not to make situations uncomfortable. He was still a teenager though and
it wasn't his fault if an awkward boner made an appearance when he needed it
least. Tyler knew that he wasn't the only boy that struggled with it and
eventually he stopped feeling so bad about it.

 Then eventually, it got harder for him to come, taking longer and longer each
night.

 There was one night in particular that he remembered being annoying. It felt
good, it really did. He was bucking his hips up into his hand, quiet moans
falling off his lips but it just wasn't enough. It would build and build in the
pit of his stomach but it wasn't ever enough. He was squeezing and pulling
harder, trying to get something more out of it but it didn't make much of a
difference. His arm was tired and he was breathless but not in the way he
wanted to be. When he finally did come he was more frustrated than relieved.
Tyler cleaned up quickly before he fell back into bed, his body exhausted. He
huffed and rolled over, hugging his pillow as he drifted off to sleep.

 He decided that he needed to cut back on the amount of times he jacked off,
that maybe it was too much and that was why he wasn't coming as fast or as hard
as he used to. His brain wasn't completely convinced that it would work.

 Tyler's friends at school had brought the subject up. He didn't participate in
it because to them he was still the goody-two-shoes Christian who they thought
didn't even know what a dick did. They apologized for the topic but continued
on anyway. Tyler listened in, smirking on the inside because  these fools don't
even know.

 "Hands are boring," one of them said, the group collectively laughing.

 "What? It's not like you could ever get a girl to even kiss you," and the rest
of them muttered about the boy getting burned. Tyler let out a chuckle then.

 "No, I'm saying porn makes it way better."

 So it was a week later and Tyler was doing homework and he still remembered
the conversation. He had his textbooks and notebooks spread out around him on
his bed, a pencil in his mouth as he was chewing on the end of it. He glanced
over at where his laptop was closed after being discarded after his research.
He wondered how easy it would be to find porn. It hadn't ever occurred to Tyler
that that was something he could do. He wouldn't even know what to look up but
it seemed enticing. It was new and his dick seemed interested in the idea of
it. Tyler gave a weak groan because he knew that now was not the time,
homework.  It was soon forgotten and he was pulling his laptop over, opening it
and logging in.

 This has to be against Christian values,  he thought to himself as he searched
the word  porn.

 A lot of options came up and Tyler was a little overwhelmed. There were a
couple sites that Tyler had heard of before and he clicked on the first one,
eyes going wide at the thumbnail pictures that were there. Naked people,
everywhere.

 He clicked on one that said something about a 'big titty beauty' and figured
that that would be good enough. He plugged headphones in while it loaded,
looking between his laptop screen and the door for a few minutes. It was that
same 'oh shit what if they catch me' feeling as when he first learned what it
felt like to touch himself. There was the danger of getting caught and it was a
little bit exciting to him. His eyes drifted back to the screen and watched as
a man and woman as they were kissing each other, hands under clothes and
everything. Things were slowly coming off and Tyler was definitely interested.
His hand was under the waistband of his sweats, teasing himself softly. It was
just light touches trailing over his skin, not even enough to come close to
satisfying but he didn't want to come right away. He still had a good fifteen
minutes left of his video.

 Unfortunately, he was only a boy and his dick was starting to ache and he
didn't care if he finished the video or not as long as he got off and it felt
good. It definitely did. He was jacking himself off, hand quick and his thumb
sliding over the tip every once in awhile, his stomach tensing and then he was
coming. This time, he wasn't quite as frustrated. He closed out of the page and
laid back in bed, satisfied this time.

 Porn seemed to be the magic solution for the moment. It was new still and he
really liked watching other people fuck. Sins aside, he had to admit he was
having a good time with it. The more he watched, the pickier he got about what
he was seeing. He figured out what turned him on and what was just plain to him
and he picked things based off that. He liked when they were rough. He also
really liked threesomes. Tyler didn't think that it was a fantasy of his or
anything because he should have really enjoyed the videos where the guy had two
beautiful girls all to himself. Sure, he could get off to them, porn was porn,
but it didn't spark anything inside him that he felt should have been there.

 The ones he did like, were usually two males and one female. He tried telling
himself that it was just because he liked it when the girl seemed a little more
helpless but if he actually thought about it, he knew that he was lying to
himself. There was an easy answer to his wandering thoughts but he refused to
think about it. For now he was just gonna cruise on, not bothering to pay
attention to the fact that his dick would ache if the two males started to
kiss, the way his body would react and he'd have to close his eyes and still
his hand for a moment. He didn't pay any attention to the fact that sometimes
he'd replace the girl with himself, his own head picturing it as those two guys
on top of him, overpowering and dominant, throwing him around like it was
nothing. He didn't think about how when it was those thoughts, he came so hard
the he let out a fairly loud moan.

 The next day he was starting to get a little worried about what it meant. All
the thoughts that he was trying desperately to ignore. They didn't seem to want
to go away though and it was starting to happen outside of him jacking off to
porn. He would be at school in class and look over at a classmate, (he seemed
to have a thing for football players). He'd wonder what it would be like to be
pinned underneath one of them, to have them biting at his lips and gripping his
arms so hard that it could leave bruises. Those were dangerous thoughts to be
having at school.

 There were also slightly more innocent ones. He'd see a guy and wish that he
could be there instead of the girl, holding his hand and getting to walk so
casually with him. Those might have been the most confusing thoughts to have.

 It lead him back to porn one night, the thoughts swirling around in his head
and he felt like maybe it was time to actually think on them. To figure out
what exactly it all meant. Tyler had a really good idea of what it meant but he
was still trying to deny that, didn't know how he could accept that idea and
also remain with his religion. He was really trying to stay true to God,
despite his numerous fuck ups lately.

 He opened his porn site, looking through the thumbnails and the names of the
videos and not finding what he was looking for. He went up to the internal
search bar and took a deep breath before he typed in exactly what he was
looking for.

 Gay.

 It was just a test to see how things went. Tyler was hoping that he'd watch it
and it would kill any thoughts of masturbating that night and that that would
be that, he'd be in the clear and not have to let those thoughts bother him
anymore. So he clicked on a video and let it play. Tyler watched as these two
men were making out, neither wanting to give up their dominance. He was
desperately trying to tell himself that his body was reacting so strongly just
because it was porn. There was always that undeniable fact though that he
hadn't been this turned on when he was watching women do this. It was never lip
biting, hand squeezing the base of his dick to keep himself from coming good.
But he was watching one man fuck another and things seemed to click in his
head.

 This was hot and he wanted it. He decided right then that he wanted some tough
guy to throw him down on a mattress and fuck him.

 His orgasm left him shaking and blissful because he finally understood, a lot
of things made sense. Tyler was holding onto that last shred of his faith
because he believed God could save him, but did he want to be saved? Was god
actually capable of saving his sin riddled soul at this point? Tyler shrugged
it off, he didn't need to stress himself out just yet.

 Tyler found it a hell of alot easier to get off now that the videos he watched
were men and men only. It didn't matter if it was kinky or if it was just them
kissing and fucking slowly, Tyler got off every single time. And every single
time it left him panting, his eyes squeezed closed, his hand moving slowly,
milking out that  fuck, fuck, so damn good  feeling for as long as possible. He
would have to lay there for a few minutes and calm down because this never
failed to get him going.

 While jacking off was always good, he was tempted to play into the thoughts
that kept flowing through his mind. He definitely wanted to know what it was
like to have someone fuck him and he wasn't exactly out, didn't know how to
find someone willing to do that. So he experimented on his own.

 After school one day he sprinted to the nearest store, walking up and down the
aisle that had condoms and lube, nervous as all hell to actually pick one out
and buy it. They were all so colorful and there were different names and
benefits and he was overwhelmed because he didn't know what he wanted, didn't
know what it would do if he bought the one that supposedly felt good to
females. Would it feel good to him?

 After a couple weird stares from passersby, Tyler reached out and grabbed one
at random, running up to the cash register and setting it on the conveyor belt.
The check out lady scanned it and Tyler handed over the money, biting at his
nails as she put it in a bag and counted out the change.

 He ran all the way back home, waving off his mother's weird glance as he hid
his purchase in his room for later.

 Tyler figured that for this new idea, it would have to be his decision only
which meant no porn. He wanted to enjoy it because it felt good to him, not
because he was watching someone else enjoy it. It was an experiment to see if
he could really go this far with someone and enjoy it.

 He made sure that his family was all in bed, even giving them another thirty
minutes to make sure they wouldn't be walking around for any reason. Tyler left
his room to get a glass of water. Partly to stall what he was planning but also
just to double check that nobody was moving around. The coast was clear and he
was as nervous as ever. At the same time he was excited and he walked back to
his room, closing the door and turning off the light.

 He'd moved the lube to under his pillow after dinner, making sure he could
find it in the dark. That was somehow more calming to him, the dark, it was
more of a psychological thing but if it helped then who was he to complain.

 Tyler started easy, palming himself like he always did, letting his eyes fall
close and just get lost in the feeling. He was half hard when he decided it
would be easiest if he took his pants off altogether and so he did. Tyler
looked down at himself and kept the shirt on, using it to hide just a bit more,
another thing that meant nothing but it seemed to comfort him. He laid back on
his bed, hesitantly reaching out and jacking himself off slowly, going like
that until his hips were bucking for more friction and he was aching for more.


 His hands were shaking as they found the bottle of lube. It seemed loud in the
dark room as it opened and Tyler was even more nervous than before. There was
excitement pooling in his stomach though, a dim feeling that urged him to keep
going despite his brain that was telling him how unnatural it was. But there
was lube on his finger and he was shaking with fear and excitement and he had
to try it now, he would just be disappointed if he backed out now. Was it
possible to peer pressure his own self?

 He reached back and pressed his finger against his ass, the cold shocking him
and he tried to move away but he only got so far before he talked himself back
into it. Tyler took in a deep breath before he pushed his finger in just barely
and it was so weird, he couldn't move it in any farther. He was barely one
knuckle in and he had to pause. He could feel it up in his throat, like
something was stuck there and he was gasping but it wasn't completely awful.
Tyler wasn't sure if that terrified him or excited him. It wasn't a natural
feeling to have something inside his ass but it was a test, he wanted to find
out. So he took in another deep breath and pushed his finger farther. His eyes
squeezed closed and he wasn't sure how those guys in the video could do this,
not even just one finger, a whole dick.

 Tyler let the pain wear away slowly and he was contemplating if it was
possible to only ever suck dick and still be a good gay, (was there even such
thing?). He couldn't honestly see himself being on top of someone every time,
that wasn't what he thought of when he was jacking off in bed time and time
before. It was always someone on top of him, fucking him rough, ordering him
around and digging their fingernails in. Tyler pushed his finger all the way in
at that and he slapped his other hand over his mouth because it was most
definitely not a quiet moan.

 He felt a little ridiculous to just be laying there on his side, his breathing
heavy and his pulse loud in his ears and his finger up his own ass but he was
nervous, especially after moaning. He had to make sure nobody had woken up.
Tyler started to rock his finger after awhile, slow and shallow movements,
enough that the tip of his finger was moving inside, something completely new
to him. He was whimpering against his hand, biting at his lip to keep quiet.
His movements got bigger and he was pulling his finger out slowly, pushing it
back in and no matter how hard he tried, he could not keep quiet. He was
whining in the back of his throat, small little 'oh's slipping from his lips
because it was such a new feeling and it was so good. His hips were wiggling,
meeting his finger as he thrusted in. Tyler was testing out the waters but
decided that it was okay and he was going faster, letting himself push in with
a little more force. He gasped at the feeling, unsure of what to even do with
himself from there. His hand over his mouth was useless and he opted for white
knuckling his pillow.

 His dick was aching and he wanted to touch it so bad but he was a mess
already, he couldn't risk being any louder than he already was. Besides, he was
quite enjoying that feeling and he didn't want it to end. Tyler was pushing in
as fast and as hard as he could at such an awkward angle. His whole body was
shaking with pleasure and he couldn't keep himself from moaning. Tyler just
prayed that he was quiet enough that nobody heard him.

 He didn't even have to touch himself to come that night. He fucked himself on
his finger and it got to be too much and he was coming. Tyler couldn't even
moan because he choked over the air in his lungs, the feeling hitting him quick
and he didn't have any time to respond.

 Tyler pulled his finger out slowly, frowning at the new feeling before he got
up to find his hamper. There was a spare towel behind it that he used to wipe
himself off with. He went back to bed after that and felt that maybe he should
pray before sleeping but he wasn't even sure what to ask for anymore. Tyler
didn't know if he could get forgiveness at this point but he figured that if it
was manageable he would have to stick to his faith as tight as possible.

 Tyler slid off his bed, pulling boxers on before he kneeled by his bed. He
pressed his palms together and leaned forward until he was resting his forehead
against the edge of the bed. Tyler waited in that position, hoping that maybe
words would come to him but his mind was empty. Maybe confession would do him
good.

 "I pray for forgiveness," Tyler finally whispered before he stood up and
crawled under the covers. He knew that it was weak and that he could have asked
so many things but he was tired and doubting so much of what he thought he
knew.

 When Tyler woke up the next day he decided that he could only finger himself
when he was home alone. He'd been careless the night before and it wasn't easy
to control the sounds he made when he did that and it was better to be safe
than sorry. He stuck to just simply jacking off for the next few weeks and it
while wasn't quite as good as fingering himself, it still did the trick.

 "We're going to the fair, Tyler, would you want to come?" His mother offered,
opening his door one day and looking inside his room. Tyler yawned and was
about to say yes when he got an idea.

 "Is everyone going?" He asked quietly. His mother shook her head and he felt
his stomach drop.

 "Maddy went over to a friends house but besides her and you right now,
everyone is going," and Tyler felt the anticipation grow in his stomach again.
He tried to keep it off his face.

 "'M sorry, ma, my stomach is feeling queasy and I think rides and stuff would
just make me vomit," he lied and he didn't really like how good he'd gotten at
lying right to his mother's face.

 "Well, you do know there's music and games and stuff," she tried and Tyler
gave her a look.

 "What's the point if I can't go on the zipper?" He asked and she rolled her
eyes before closing the door behind her. Tyler rushed out of his room, watching
through the window as the car backed out of the driveway and he was completely
alone. He ran back to his room, shutting the door and leaning against it
because he was alone, he could do whatever he wanted. For all his house cared
he could blast satanic music and get away with it. There were so many ideas in
his head, most of them included walking around in a baggy sweater and boxers
and eating food. He saved that for later and decided that maybe he could
masturbate. It had been a couple of nights since he had last even jacked off.
He hadn't been in the mood for it and now he had the range to do what he
wanted, to be as loud as he wanted, nobody around to hear him.

 It didn't take him long to get the desire to walk over to his bed and shuck
his boxers and off, leaving him naked and cold. He had his hand on his cock,
jacking himself off a couple of times, smiling as he moaned because he could be
loud and boy was he gonna. He rubbed his thumb along the slit and groaned,
letting his head tip back as the pleasure rolled through him.

 Tyler pulled his hand away, reaching down under his bed for the shoebox where
he hid his lube from last time. He stared at it for a minute, letting the
nervous excitement wash over him. He knew that it was gonna hurt again at the
beginning but he knew now that it was definitely worth it.

 He crawled into bed, pouring some lube over his finger, taking in a shaky
breath before he rolled over, pressing his face into the mattress. He arched
his back and left his ass up in the air, letting his mind imagine that there
was somebody behind him. Tyler wanted it rough, or at least wanted to know what
it was like for someone to be rough with him. It was as good as any time for
that. He breathed in and out a couple times, letting himself relax before he
circled his finger around his hole, teasing himself like that would stop it
from hurting. He took in one last deep breath and pushed his finger in as far
is it would go. He let out a long moan with it, trying to decide if it was a
pained or pleasured moan. Tyler was left panting as he tried to adjust to the
feeling again. He decided that waiting was too gentle on himself and he closed
his eyes, pulling his finger out and pushing it back in as hard as he could.

 It was too much and he was still in a little bit of pain but in his mind it
was someone else. Someone else was on top of him, pushing their finger in hard
as he moaned into his sheets. It was a broken moan as he kept going, hard and
fast, but it melted away into just pleasure and suddenly it wasn't enough.

 "Fuck," he mumbled, turning his head to the other side to see the lube lying
by his pillow. He pulled his finger out and sat up, uncapping it and lubing up
a second finger. He laid back down, pushing the first finger in again. It went
easy and he moaned. His eyes were wide as he felt his second finger pushing at
his hole. It was definitely painful and he wanted to stop himself but there was
that voice in the back of his mind that whispered that he loved it. He got his
finger just barely in and he gave himself a second to adjust and to let himself
calm down. At this rate he was going to come soon and he wanted to hold off as
long as possible.

 Once he didn't feel the need to squeeze his eyes closed anymore, he pushed
both fingers in as far as possible and it hurt him.

 "Shit, fuck," he mumbled, pulling his fingers back out and pushing them in
again. His voice was caught in his throat, mixed up in the pain of it all but
he had no intention of stopping. There was a high pitched whine that left his
mouth and he was making sounds that he hadn't heard before and he liked it.
Tyler liked being able to be loud and moan, let whoever was around know that he
loved fingers up his ass, that given the opportunity he would probably enjoy a
dick up his ass as well.

 Tyler was twisting the angle of his fingers, trying to find that spot that
he'd only ever heard about. He thought that he might've brushed it once or
twice but he wasn't exactly sure.

 That was the second time that he came completely untouched. He pulled his
fingers out and rolled over and panted into the air for awhile, wondering how
he couldn't have not known he was gay only months before. It was so painfully
obvious to him now.

 School for Tyler was a completely different problem. They all knew him to be a
straight Christian kid. While his close group of friends knew that he wasn't
completely pure, (he was a teenage guy, Christian or not most of them have
jacked off), none of his friends knew how far he'd gone though.

 He had explored the idea of coming out once or twice, thought of the pros and
cons about it. He decided that it would be worse to come out and kept that to
himself.

 When his friends started thrusting the pretty blonde girl his direction, Tyler
wasn't sure what to do. He figured that it would be as good as any time to come
out but the words didn't find their way to his lips and instead he smiled and
shook her hand. His friends were so sure that they were perfect together that
they were honestly surprised when he said that they'd stopped talking.

 "What, are you gay or something?" One of his friends teased and it struck a
note of anxiety in Tyler's chest. He laughed it off and shook his head.

 "Nah, don't worry about it. She's just not my type, I guess," he explained and
it was one hundred percent true. She didn't have muscles or a dick. A little
bit of a downside because that's exactly what he was after.

 He kept it a secret and he was getting good at lying. It got a little harder
when basketball started up and he caught himself staring in the locker rooms.
He wasn't attracted to any of his friends, not like that, but there was that
curiosity that nagged at the back of his head still. He wanted to know what it
was like to actually be fucked. His fingers were great for the time being but
he knew the real thing would be so much better. Tyler tried really hard not to
stare at his friends.

 He thought one night that maybe a temporary solution would be a dildo. It
wasn't the  real  thing but it was a damn close second. It would fill him up
just like another dick and it would give him a taste of what the real thing
was. It was honestly a great plan, except for the fact that he had no idea how
to get one. He sure as hell wouldn't go into the mall and buy one from
Spencer's, people from his school shopped there. He knew that it was far too
risky to order it online and have it shipped to his house. He had no friend of
the girl variety that he could trust with this side of himself. So he sighed
and shrugged the thought off. His fingers were satisfying enough.

 Tyler wasn't bothered by his sexuality anymore. He kinda figured that God had
either given up on him or was leading him down this path with some evil
intended. What bothered him most was having to hide. He knew that his family
would be unsupportive and that people at school wouldn't take lightly to it.
Tyler didn't know for a fact that the outcome would be bad, he knew his family
loved him, religious or not they should love him no matter who he liked. But he
was still scared. It was terrifying to think of losing everyone but it was also
degrading on Tyler to have to keep hiding. He couldn't ever feel completely
himself because he was always hiding. Tyler couldn't talk about his feelings
without the fear of slipping up and it was starting to drive him a little
crazy.

 One night, instead of opening porn, he shocked himself, he found a website for
gay and lesbian and any other person to the queer variety, to meet others. It
was a place where he could openly say he was gay and know that he would be
accepted. They didn't see the perfect boy that went to church every Sunday,
they just saw the smiling boy with brown hair who said he  really  was into
guys. It didn't take long for men and women to start messaging him. A lot of
them were looking for friends and Tyler was more than happy to talk to them. He
was sitting in his dark room smiling because he had friends that he could be
himself around.

 Tyler was talking to a girl named Julia who was in his same situation and she
was just as thankful to have someone she could be herself around. She lived
about two hours away and he offered one day to drive down and have a gay day
with her. They could go to some town far away from both their homes and indulge
at staring at girls asses and checking out the muscles on passing men.

 There was also a couple of men who messaged Tyler though they weren't his type
but he was gladly making friends with them. There were also people who weren't
after friendships at all.

 Brent: hey there, sweetheart

 Tyler felt like he should be a little bit offended by the guys words, he felt
like the term of endearment was almost derogatory but at the same time he was
very, very down for it.

 Tyler: Hey ;* how are you?

 Brent: lookin for a little fun, baby. saw ur in columbus and i was hoping u
wouldnt mind?

 That excited nervous pooled in his stomach and he was so ready to say yes but
there was a small part of him that was hesitant. Tyler ran downstairs and found
his parents in the living room.

 "Ma, you care if I go over to Ryan's?" He asked, maybe a too little quick and
breathless for a friend from school. His mother and father both looked up at
him and for a second he felt like they knew what was going through his head.

 "No, of course. You have hardly left the house, go have some fun, be safe,"
she yelled as he turned and ran back up the stairs to his room. He wrote out a
quick reply to Brent and then checked himself in the mirror he had hanging.
There was only so much he could do for his appearance. His hair was too short
to style really and he didn't think changing clothes would really be necessary
for what he assumed was a hookup. He shoved some spare clothes in a backpack
and shouldered it, needing to make it look like he was actually going.

 "Bye, I'll see you guys tomorrow," he said, heading out the door. Brent had
sent him the address of a place that he'd suggested they meet at and it wasn't
that far of a walk. Tyler could manage. He dropped his bag behind some bushes
in his neighbor's yard and headed down the street, trying to calm his nerves.

 Brent had sent him to a gay bar.

 He was pacing on the other side of the street, debating about if he should
just bail. He was worried about if he saw someone he recognized inside. But
then again, they couldn't use it against him because he had shit on them. Tyler
took a deep breath and crossed the street, opening the door and slipping
inside. It seemed they either didn't care or were too busy to notice that Tyler
was underage.

 He found a piece of wall that was unoccupied and decided to wait there. Tyler
realized he should have asked for a number or maybe looked at the photo a
little longer before he decided on coming. He had no idea who was going to
approach him or if it was even going to be the right guy. A fairly attractive
guy was walking towards Tyler, looking him up and down like he was an object
and he really should have been offended but he knew what they had in mind and
Tyler was completely down for that that he let anything slide.

 "Tyler, right?" The guy asked and he had a deep voice that had Tyler curious
to know what his moans sounded like.

 "You'd be correct," he said easily, unsure about the sudden confidence but he
wouldn't question it. Tyler pushed off the wall and stepped into the guy's
personal space, letting his hands rest on the guy's chest, letting them tug
gently on the coat, hopefully a subtle hint that Tyler didn't want to stay.

 "I'm glad you showed up, I'm Brent," and Tyler smirked because this guy really
was attractive and he was everything Tyler had been looking for. Admittedly, it
wasn't much that he was looking for, mainly just someone bigger than him, but
this guy was it.

 Brent had his hands on Tyler, pulling him in close while they talked, giving a
bad excuse about it being loud, his smirk said otherwise. So did the hard line
of his cock. Tyler smirked back, looking up at Brent, waiting for him to make a
move because Tyler really didn't know what he was doing. Porn only got him so
far.

 "Come on, I know a place not far from here."

 Tyler wasn't expecting anything fancy but he also wasn't expecting this.

 Maybe somewhere in his head he was thinking of a dingy bathroom and a wall to
get fucked against but he wasn't gonna be picky. There was a neighborhood not
far from the bar, all the driveways were long dirt paths. There weren't any
lights and if anyone stepped in a couple feet then they were drowned in
darkness.

 Brent was dragging him by his wrist, tugging when Tyler wasn't moving fast
enough. His grip was nearing painful and Tyler thought that this might actually
leave a bruise but it was the biggest turn on he'd found yet.

 Tyler soon found out that Brent wasn't looking for more than a hookup and that
only. He wasn't into kissing, said he thought Tyler's lips would be more useful
doing something else. It wasn't like he cared, really. He didn't come out
tonight in hopes of finding a boyfriend. He wanted someone to fuck him and that
was it, a new experience.

 Tyler's brain short circuited for a moment as he looked up at Brent. He seemed
a little concerned for Tyler, maybe about to say that he didn't have to but
Tyler dropped to his knees, his brain trying to find an excuse for why his
knees were so dirty when his mother asked. If his hands were shaking, Brent
didn't comment on it. Maybe they were both scared Tyler would back out if he
was confronted with what he was really doing.

 He reached up and rested his hand over the button, digging deep to find the
confidence to actually continue. He wanted it, of course, he was actually about
to start whining because he really just wanted to get himself off right then
and there but he was far more interested in pleasing this guy. The thought of
that made that building feeling in his stomach start. Tyler let out a breath
and unbuttoned Brent's pants, pulling the zipper down. He reached his palm
inside, cupping Brent's cock before he looked up at the other man from under
his eyelashes. Tyler didn't know the very first thing about being sexy but he
figured it couldn't be that hard when he had his hand on this guys dick.

 The guy made a soft noise, a smile on his face as he looked down at Tyler.

 "That's good, baby," he whispered and Tyler enjoyed that way too much. He
didn't feel comfortable with himself enough to voice his own desires so he
hoped it was obvious in the ways he started to move his hand around Brent's
cock, squeezing it softly the way he did to himself, knowing how it sent a jolt
up his spine every time. Brent reached down and pushed his jeans to mid-thigh,
his boxers following suit and Tyler definitely did not hesitate. His hand was
back on Brent's cock, jacking him off a couple of times before he leaned in and
licked at the tip. It was more of a test for himself, to see if he could manage
this, but Brent seemed to like it.

 He leaned back, trying to remember all the videos he'd watched and what he was
supposed to do, what those men had liked. Brent noticed the pause and stared
down at Tyler, one of his eyebrows raised.

 "This is your first time, isn't it?" Tyler's eyes snapped up to the other mans
and he tried to fake being offended.

 "What? No. I've done this plenty of times," he said, the lie spilling easily
off his tongue but it seemed like Brent could see his nerves in his eyes.

 "That's okay, baby, open that pretty little mouth and I'll help."

 Tyler swallowed and sat back on his heels, tipping his head up to Brent and
opening his mouth a little. Brent stepped forward, his hand reaching down and
guiding his cock to Tyler's lips. He opened his mouth wider and let his tongue
run along the underside of Brent's cock.

 "Stay just like that," Brent whispered, his hand going up to Tyler's hair. He
grabbed onto it a little tight and Tyler let out a whine.

 "Shit, baby, you like that?" He asked and gave a short tug on Tyler's hair. He
groaned around Brent's cock as an answer.

 Brent was pulling out of Tyler's mouth slowly, pushing in again. His cock
touched the back of Tyler's throat and he gagged around it but he heard the
moan Brent let out when he hit the back and Tyler almost came in his pants. He
definitely liked pleasing.

 He was picking up the pace, pushing in harder, tugging on Tyler's hair harder.
Tyler kept choking around his cock, finding it a little hard to breathe at
times but he loved it more than he should have. He felt like for a moment God
was watching over him, watching as this man fucked his mouth and he palmed
himself because he was so fucking turned on by it that he couldn't help but
start to touch himself. Tyler felt like that was the moment when he really lost
the last shred of faith he had been trying to hold onto. But this guy was
moaning above him, telling him how good Tyler's mouth was, and he found he
didn't care about if he lost religion that night.

 Tyler was choking around this cock and he loved it. He also couldn't help the
fact that his body's reflex was to cry. Tyler tried to reach up and wipe away
the tears but that seemed to get Brent's attention. He pulled out of Tyler's
mouth so fast, his hand going to rest on Tyler's cheek.

 "Shit, Tyler, I didn't mean to, are you okay?"

 He seemed genuinely concerned and Tyler figured that of all the people to hook
up with, he was definitely the best option. Tyler shook his head as an answer.


 "Please fuck my mouth again," Tyler begged, looking back up at Brent, "I love
it, I want you to use me."

 Brent didn't waste any time in getting his cock back into Tyler's mouth. He
was rougher this time as well. He would tug on Tyler's hair, pulling his head
forward as he thrusted in and Tyler could feel his eyes water again but he
wasn't even going to ask for a second to catch his breath. His pants were
beyond tight and it was starting to hurt. He reached his hand into his pants,
pulling his cock out as he started to jack himself off. It only took himself a
couple of strokes before he was coming. He was whining with it, knowing that
Brent felt it when he let out a moan too.

 "Almost there," he mumbled a few thrusts before he came in Tyler's mouth. He
could feel it in the back of his throat and could taste it and it wasn't the
greatest thing. He swallowed around Brent's cock as best he could anyway. Brent
pulled back, fixing himself back in his pants as he watched Tyler do the same,
wiping his mouth and then standing up.

 Tyler stepped up into the other man's personal space again, his arm looping
around Brent's neck.

 "I'd suggest next time you bring a condom," Tyler whispered, knowing that
Brent could hear him in the close proximity. He raised an eyebrow at Tyler.

 "Whys that?"

 Tyler leaned up on his tiptoes so he could whisper in Brent's ear.

 "I've been dying for someone to fuck me into a mattress." He pulled away from
Brent after that, turning and walking in the direction towards his house.

 When he got back his parents were already in bed. He figured it would be safe
to head inside and get in his own bed.

 Tyler laid down and tried to sleep but his mind was stuck on what had
happened. A part of him wanted to feel guilty for what he'd done, like maybe he
should get up and pray, something. Instead he just laid there because a bigger
part of himself liked it. He was thinking about what the appropriate amount of
time was to wait before he could message Brent and beg for him to fuck Tyler.
He was thinking about the way Brent moaned, about how once Tyler asked for it,
he was rough with him, tugging on his hair hard and forcing his mouth over
Brent's cock. He was thinking about those things as he dug for his lube and
gave in because he hadn't gotten everything he wanted tonight.

 He knew his parents were a couple of doors down but he didn't really care this
time around. He was quick about getting his first finger in, his body adjusting
and then he was putting in the second. He pushed his face into his pillow,
letting out a quiet stream of curses because it was painful. It didn't stop him
though. He was thrusting his fingers as hard and as fast as he could go, a
quiet moan slipping out as it started to feel good again. He breathed in deep
before he was pushing in a third finger, farther that he'd ever gone before.

 "Shit," he whined, mouth hanging open as he gasped for air, trying to let the
pain subside. Maybe that was his clue to stop moving his fingers and let his
body adjust but he never once did. He slowed down for the time being, letting
his fingers drag out slow and push in. There was another moan stuck in the back
of his throat that he was choking around, trying to get it out but he couldn't.
His eyes were squeezed shut and he was whining. The moan finally left his
throat as he came on his sheets. Tyler got up shakily to clean himself and his
bed off as best he could.

 Tyler woke up the next morning, sore from having stretched himself so much the
night before. He almost regretted his timing in doing it because his mother was
waking him up, telling him he had to get ready for church.

 "Why'd you come home last night?" She asked, a little surprised that he wasn't
still over at his friend's house. Tyler was trying to find an excuse in his
still sleep confused brain.

 "Remembered I had church, knew you'd be upset if I slept through it at
Ryan's," Tyler lied easily, sighing when his mother took the excuse and left.

 Tyler winced as he got out of bed, going into the bathroom and taking a quick
shower before he was changing into a nice pair of slacks and a button down. He
looked at himself in the mirror and for a second he saw a good church boy,
someone who had a nice smile that could let anyone know things were okay. Then
he looked at himself in the eyes and he saw the boy he really was, the one who
lied to his parents every day, the one who essentially snuck out so he could
have sex with another man. Tyler saw that version of himself everywhere, saw it
in the way he couldn't meet anyone's eyes anymore, in how his lips turned down
at the edges rather than up. He hated it and to an extent he hated himself.
Even so, he was still thinking about the next time when he hoped Brent would
actually fuck him, he was thinking about how he couldn't wait to get his lips
around another cock. He was thinking about how both of those excited him.

 Tyler left his room and went downstairs, getting into the car with the rest of
his family as they all chatted happily.

 Church was the same as always but this time, Tyler felt like he'd crossed a
line that he couldn't ever take back. People came up to him and tried to talk
to him but he kept his head down, he couldn't look them in the eye and not feel
guilty about it. They were asking about his plans for college, what he wanted
to do with the rest of his life. They told him how they prayed for good things
to come his way. He couldn't answer any of the questions because suddenly he
felt undeserving of all of their attention. He was in a place of God and he had
sucked another man off last night, fingered himself. What the worst part of it
all was, is that he wanted to do it all again.

 Tyler desperately wanted to go to confession, to speak to God and ask for a
way to fix what he had done. He knew that the person on the other side would be
appalled with him and he couldn't even get the courage to do it. So Tyler just
sat with his family.

 He skipped out on saying the prayer with the rest of the people that day.

 It was only logical for Tyler to go home and get on his laptop. He had a
message from Brent and he smiled, sitting down and opening it.

 Brent: baby im gonna be in town next week, what if we made your wishes come
true?

 Tyler wrote out a quick yes, imagining how rough Brent might be with him this
time around. He spent much of the next week daydreaming about what might happen
and was more than ready when Brent asked to pick him up from his house. He said
he'd be out front and sent the address.

 "Mom, I'm going over to Ryan's house again," he said as he ran down the stairs
and she replied with a 'have fun' before he was out the door. He wasn't sure
what he should have brought besides a change of clothes, didn't know if Brent
expected anything. He kinda just hoped that Brent wouldn't be too picky about
what Tyler needed if anything. Was he supposed to have done something before
they met?

 He couldn't even go back inside because headlights were turning down his
street and slowing down in front of him. There was the ever attractive Brent in
the front seat, a soft smile on his face. It didn't match the look on his eyes
that was knowing, looking Tyler up and down like he was trying to decide what
part of body he was going to mark up first. Tyler shivered under the stare
before he ran around the car and got in. Neither one of them talked before they
got to the hotel that Brent was apparently staying in. He looked at Tyler and
broke the silence.

 "I'm gonna ask it again before we do anything but are you sure? I know you put
on this facade like you know what you're doing but I can tell that you don't. I
know you're nervous. I don't want to be the one to force you into anything,"
Brent said and Tyler felt a swarm of happiness, maybe even the start of
feelings. He leaned across the console and kissed Brent, smiling when he felt
Brent lean into him.

 "I promise I'm okay," Tyler said quietly, "I've been waiting for this since
before we even talked."

 Brent gave him an odd look but didn't comment on it. Instead he got out of the
car and Tyler followed, sticking close behind Brent as they went into the
building. Tyler knew that Brent wasn't looking for a relationship, Tyler wasn't
either really, but he still wanted a taste of it. He was tempted to reach out
and grab Brent's hand, to see what it was like to have some guy lace his
fingers through Tyler's. It seemed there was some sort of unspoken boundary
though that Tyler may have began to cross in the car. He wouldn't push his luck
with this.

 The room wasn't extremely impressive, it was a bed and a small kitchen area
and a bathroom but that was more than enough for Tyler. He walked over to the
bed and sat up by the headboard, watching as Brent sat at the small table and
looked at a few papers. He seemed to feel Tyler's eyes on him.

 "What? That excited for it?" He asked as he looked over at Tyler, laughing
quietly. Tyler laughed along with it and shrugged.

 "Maybe, I seem to recall that I was told my dreams would come true, I'm just
waiting for a little magic," Tyler said, looking away like he was
disinterested. There was another shuffle of papers that caught his attention
and he looked over to see Brent standing at the foot of the bed. Tyler felt the
nerves in his stomach, the excitement that bubbled up. He watched as Brent
tugged the shirt over his head quickly, smirking when he saw Tyler's eyes drift
over his chest and stomach.

 "I'll ask it again, are you a hundred percent sure about this?" He asked and
Tyler swallowed, looking up to meet his eyes. His mouth felt dry and he was
having trouble forming the words.

 "A hundred and ten percent," he whispered, earning a chuckle from Brent.

 "Okay, any time you want to stop, just tell me and I will," and Tyler decided
that he picked the best person to experience this with. Tyler nodded his
understanding and then Brent was on top of him, his lips harsh against Tyler's.
He had a hand on Tyler's hips, dragging him closer, his grip tight enough that
it had Tyler squirming.

 Tyler reached an arm up to wrap around Brent's neck, whining quietly when
Brent bit at his lip, licking into Tyler's mouth. He had a hand under Tyler's
shirt, his fingertips trailing over skin and leaving goosebumps behind. His
nails were raking down Tyler's back, making him arch into Brent's body, sending
a spark that went straight to his dick.

 Brent was pulling back and Tyler tried to follow but there was a hand on his
chest, holding him back. Tyler's shirt was being pulled over his head and there
was a hand at his jeans, trying to unbutton them and take them off. Tyler
helped to wiggle out of them, blushing when he realized just how close to naked
he was, how close to sex he really was. He had no intentions of backing out as
he reached up to Brent's jeans, unbuttoning them like he did the week before.
He slipped his hand inside, happy to see that Brent closed his eyes and bit his
lip. Tyler liked knowing that that was because of him, he caused that.

 "You keep touching me like that and we won't ever get around to sex," Brent
whispered, opening his eyes to look at Tyler. He pouted, pulling his hand back
out.

 "Well then hurry up," he shot back, smirking when Brent looked a little taken
aback.

 Brent was grabbing at his hips and flipping him over, his finger dug into the
skin and Tyler gasped in pain, even though he was enjoying every second of it.
Brent was pulling his boxers down and tossing them somewhere in the room before
he grabbed at Tyler again, forcing him onto his knees, his ass presented to the
air.

 Tyler whined as a shiver went through him and he needed something but he
wasn't sure what it was. He wanted so many things all at once.

 "Please," he begged, not finding anything else to come out of his mouth. Brent
was moving around behind him before he was pressing up against Tyler, this time
naked. His cock was hard and warm against Tyler's ass, a tease of what was
being stalled. Tyler tried wiggling his hips, trying to get Brent to give in
but instead he got two hands holding him still. Brent leaned over top of Tyler,
lips by his ear.

 "What do you want, baby?" He asked and Tyler's eyes fell closed.

 "I want you to fuck me," Tyler responded only to get Brent tsking in his ear.


 "No, tell me  exactly  what you want."

 Tyler thought for a minute, trying to find his words. It was hard to think
when Brent was behind him, grinding slowly against Tyler. He wanted that
friction inside of him, this wasn't enough.

 "I want you to fuck me so that I feel you tomorrow, I wanna be out of breath
because I can't stop moaning, please," Tyler said and he wondered if married
couples ever talked like this or if he was just so far from any Christian
lifestyle.

 Brent didn't ask for anymore. There was the sound of a lube bottle cap and
then there were fingers at Tyler's hole, two of them pushing in easily and
Tyler hadn't ever done that before and it was painful but all he did was whine,
pushing his hips back because he still needed more, he wanted. Brent was going
slow but there was still more force behind it. He was reaching places inside of
Tyler that Tyler couldn't have ever found. He moaned as Brent's fingers pushed
against his prostate. Then a third was being added and Tyler hadn't gone this
quick before. He felt full and on the edge of pain but there was so much
pleasure that he couldn't done anything but gasp and clutch the pillow that was
under his head.

 "Just fuck me, please, I'm okay," he said, desperate to feel Brent inside of
him.

 The fingers were gone and Tyler was whining, needing something. The tip of
Brent's cock was at his hole. Tyler was about to take a deep breath to relax
but he didn't get very far before Brent pushed in, the air punching out of
Tyler's lungs. He had been right, this was much better than fingering himself.


 Tyler let out a shaky moan. Brent was pulling out just a little before pushing
back in, small thrusts as he let Tyler get used to the feeling. Tyler didn't
want gentle though, he wanted rough. He was pushing his hips back into Brent,
wiggling as best he could and earning himself a quiet groan. Brent took that as
his cue and he pulled almost all the way out before he snapped his hips. He
pushed in hard and fast and Tyler couldn't catch his breath long enough to even
be able to moan. He was making these small little whimpers every time Brent
pushed in, his knuckles white where they were gripping at the sheets.

 Brent leaned over the top of Tyler again, the small movement changing the
angle and how deep he was. His hand was on Tyler's cock, jacking him off as he
thrusted. Tyler was trying to keep his body calm but the longer Brent did that,
the harder it was. He felt way too much all at once and he was coming over
Brent's hand, his ass clenching around Brent's cock. The older man stilled,
waiting as Tyler rolled through his orgasm before he continued thrusting into
Tyler. His hand was still jacking Tyler off slowly and the stimulation on his
cock and in his ass too much and he was choking around a cry.

 "Fuck, fuck," he mumbled, squirming more but he couldn't get away from it, he
didn't want to get away from it. He reached a hand down to grab at Brent's
wrist though because his cock was starting to hurt with oversensitivity. His
body felt spent and he wanted to sleep but Brent was still thrusting into him,
using his ass like he owned it and it was everything Tyler had begged for. He
felt dizzy on the high of his orgasm and dizzy on the fact that Brent wasn’t
letting up and it was painful and it was pleasure and he didn't notice how loud
he was moaning until there was a hand over his mouth.

 Brent kept hitting his prostate and Tyler might've been crying but he wasn't
sure. There was a hand in his hair, pulling roughly on it and it was arching
Tyler's back. He felt lips on his neck, biting and sucking at the skin as his
cock was still pushing in. Tyler was trying to clench his ass and help to
finish Brent quicker because too much, too fucking good.

 Brent's hips finally stilled as he came inside Tyler. It was a weird feeling
that Tyler couldn't really describe except for the fact that he wanted it
again. He felt almost accomplished that he'd managed to be good enough to get
this guy off. Tyler decided to save any other thoughts for later because his
body felt numb and he was needing sleep. He was trying to close his eyes and
pass out for the night but Brent's hands were all over him, turning him onto
his back, demanding Tyler's attention.

 "Satisfied now, baby?" He asked and Tyler smiled lazily.

 "How often will you come into Columbus for work?" He asked, wondering if this
might become a thing. Brent chuckled and left the bed, coming back with a
washcloth.

 "Get some sleep, baby," he whispered and that was all it took for Tyler.

 He was woken up the next morning to warm, wet around his cock. He'd never felt
it but he never wanted it to end. Tyler's eyes opened and he looked down to see
Brent's lips wrapped around his cock and Tyler suddenly realized what was going
on.

 "Oh, fuck," he groaned, his hand fluttering in the air for a moment before he
tangled his fingers in Brent's hair. The older man pulled off of Tyler then,
leaving him to whine at the loss.

 "Good morning," he said, his eyes dark as he looked up at Tyler.

 "No, don't stop," Tyler said, frowning for a minute before Brent nodded and
continued. He leaned down, his mouth opening and taking Tyler in. Tyler could
feel himself hitting the back of Brent's throat and he moaned each time,
wondering why he'd never had someone do this to him sooner.

 He was watching Brent carefully, not noticing until then how the older man was
jacking himself off hard and fast.

 "You like sucking me off that much?" Tyler stuttered out, a moan slipping out
as Brent ran his tongue along the tip of Tyler's cock. He pulled off again
after that.

 "I could say the same for you, last week you were on your knees jacking off
because you loved my cock so much, had to come back for seconds." Tyler
couldn't really argue because it was all true. He liked being the cause of
someone else's moans.

 "Fuck, okay, go back to what you were doing," Tyler mumbled, giving a soft tug
to Brent's hair. The older man did as he was asked, his cheeks hollowing out as
he went down and it only took another minute before Tyler was coming.

 Brent was crawling up on the bed to kiss Tyler until they were both out of
breath.

 "I should probably get you home soon," he said, leaning back and then getting
off the bed to get dressed. Tyler frowned, not wanting to have to go back quite
yet. He sat up but didn't get changed yet.

 "Are you gonna be coming down here somewhat regularly?" Tyler asked and Brent
looked over his shoulder at where Tyler was sitting. He raised an eyebrow
before he went back to putting his socks on.

 "Probably will, why are you asking?" Tyler rolled his eyes because that was a
dumb question.

 "You know why," is all he said in return. He felt a little self conscious
actually trying to say what he wanted out loud.

 "I just blew you and you're already trying to weasel me into more sex?" Brent
asked but it wasn't judging. He was almost laughing.

 "I had fun, I wanted to do it again," Tyler said, looking down at his lap. He
shifted until he could pull the sheets over himself.

 "I wouldn't mind."

 Tyler definitely was gonna come back for more.

 It was a month later when Brent informed Tyler that he was coming back. Tyler
was waiting outside his house like last time, a little bit more confident with
himself and their situation. He had some ideas he wanted to try out.

 Brent took him up to his hotel room and they made out and undressed each other
before Tyler pushed against Brent's chest.

 "Lay down," he said and Brent gave him a look.

 "Why should I take orders from you?" He asked, though he was scooting back
towards the head of the bed.

 "Because I want to try this and you're gonna let me." Brent didn't argue with
Tyler.

 It worked out in Tyler's favor anyway. He found the lube that Brent had
brought and opened himself up in front of the other man. He swatted away
Brent's hand a couple times, almost laughing at the pained look Brent got each
time Tyler would moan. When he felt he was opened enough he crawled over and
straddled Brent's lap. He had been wanting to try fucking himself on top of
someone, wanted to know what it was like to have a little bit of control.

 He was sinking slowly down around Brent's cock, letting his head tip back as
he did. Tyler gave an experimental roll of his hips, finding what felt best to
him before he started bouncing. It didn't take long before Tyler was being
flipped over onto his back but he didn't mind because Brent was fucking into
him hard, the whole bed rocking with them. Tyler's nails were digging into
Brent's shoulders and he was trying to keep quiet, didn't want the people in
the room one over to hear him.

 Tyler always came quickly with Brent and this time was no exception. Brent
followed him shortly after and they laid together that night until it was time
for Brent to drop Tyler off.

 He changed his biography on the website to include that he was looking for
hookups. He and Brent were not exclusive, Tyler had asked before he did
anything. It turned out to work in Tyler's favor because Brent was getting
jealous and that made the sex all the more better. Tyler started to get other
offers too, various men that were looking for someone as well. Tyler just
deleted a couple of the messages because as hard as he tried, he wasn't
attracted to them. There were others that  holy shit,  they were attractive and
Tyler sent them a quick yes because he was definitely down.

 There was one particular night that Tyler remembered. He was up against the
wall of some gas station bathroom. He still wasn't sure how he'd gotten to be
in this situation but it, as always, felt nice and Tyler really wouldn't
complain. It kind of hit him all at once just how far he had gone, how far away
from any values he used to have. Tyler was getting fucked by a stranger, all
thoughts of safety, of morals gone.

 "Fuck," Tyler said, his hand balling into a fist as they guy adjusted his
angle. The word had double meaning, though. He said it because it felt good but
he also said it because he felt sick to his stomach. He was letting so many
people down with each thrust this guy pushed into him and Tyler wanted to take
it all back.

 He turned his head and rested his forehead against the wall. A few tears fell
down his cheeks and he was whispering quietly to himself.

 "Please Lord, forgive me for I have sinned." He repeated it over and over but
he felt no sense of purity wash over him, no sense of relief. He figured his
prayers were useless at this point, he had embarrassed God enough by just
existing in the way he was. The man came inside of Tyler and Tyler let out a
choked moan, reaching up to wipe the tears away.

 He was left in the bathroom alone, the guy muttering about not being
somebody's bitch all because he couldn't jack Tyler off for a few seconds.
Tyler would have done it himself but he looked down at himself, his pants
around his thighs and his cock hard for some stranger who used him and left. He
pulled his pants up and then leaned against the wall. His knees buckled and he
was crying, covering his face with his hands.

 "I'm so sorry," he sobbed to no one but it was meant for so many people. He
meant it for his family who he was letting down each time he stepped foot
outside in search of some hot mouth or some person willing to fuck him. He was
letting down his friends because he was just lying, he knew that if they had
knowledge of what Tyler was doing that they'd want nothing to do with him, he
was selfishly keeping them around. He was letting down God most of all. He
still believed that there was somebody up above, someone who would save the
ones who were good and take them up to heaven and Tyler was no longer good. He
lost that title years ago and he wished so badly that he could go back to it.
He wished that when he prayed for forgiveness that it would mean something but
it didn't. He knew that it could never mean anything because Tyler would go
home that night to texts from Brent, asking if next week when he was in town
they could get together and Tyler would get excited at the thought of spending
another night with the older man.

 Brent had been in town for two hours and Tyler tried to leave early, telling
his mom he wanted to hang out with friends but she said no.

 "Tyler, you've been going out with your friends so much lately, I've hardly
even seen you. Stay and eat dinner before you go." Tyler had no argument. He
told Brent that and there was obvious disappointment.

 Brent: baby, i need you now

 Tyler didn't respond as he helped set the table for dinner.

 Brent: was thinking that maybe tonight you could come over and suck me off
again. i loved your pretty lips around my cock. maybe i could eat you out
tonight too. want to know what if your ass tastes as good as your cock

 Tyler blushed as he read the texts, sitting down in his spot at the dinner
table.

 "Tyler, put your phone away, we're eating dinner," his mother scolded and
Tyler fumbled for a second before he shoved it into his pocket.

 They ate silently for a while before Zack spoke up, a small smile on his face.


 "I asked that girl out today," he said and their mother lit up.

 "Oh, honey, that's great!"

 The rest of the family went off talking about his plans and what she was like.
Their mother was gushing over him. Tyler was trying to pay attention and
participate in his family conversation but it was hard because his phone was
buzzing in his pocket. He knew that it was Brent, sending him messages about
what he was in for for that night. He knew without even looking that they were
all dirty. Tyler was caught up in thinking about texts and that night when his
mother turned her attention on him.

 "Tyler, when are you gonna ask out a nice girl?" She asked and Tyler gave a
weak shrug.

 "I don't know, there haven't been any who've caught my eye," he said and felt
sick to his stomach because he hated having to lie. He wish that he could just
tell his parents that he was looking for a nice boy. Thought he wasn't really
looking for a date currently.

 Tyler felt guilty a lot of the time. He wasn't ever satisfied with how things
were going. Brent wasn't enough so he needed to find other men who would be
willing to fuck him. He was greedy, begging these men to fuck him again even
though he was exhausted and his muscles were weak. He could hardly push himself
up in bed and he was begging to please whoever it was. Tyler thought that one
time he said the words 'use me.'

 Most of the time the men he hooked up with weren't exactly gay or weren't
comfortable with it. They refused to touch Tyler, telling him that they wanted
nothing to do with his vile sexuality but they were hard and he was willing so
what did it matter? Tyler hated himself just enough to get down on his knees
for these men and suck them off. He hated himself just enough to put up with
the men who refused to acknowledge the fact that he was a male.

 "Such a pretty girl," one man had said to him and Tyler let it because then he
was moaning and Tyler was the cause of it.

 But a lot of things changed one day when he went to that first club again. He
had gone in search of someone who would fuck him in the bathroom but instead he
found a boy with a soft face and curly red hair. The boy was around his age, a
lot younger than most of the people that Tyler was with.

 "I'm sorry, I saw you and I just wanted to say I think you're really
handsome," the boy said, unable to meet Tyler's eyes. Tyler studied him and saw
that the boy was blushing and for a second Tyler thought that maybe he could
like this boy. He remembered that he wasn't good for much besides being used
and pushed that thought away, he didn't want to get attached.

 "I, uh, thank you. I hope you know you're handsome as well," and the boy
looked up then, a dazzling smile on his face. That was the first time that
Tyler felt something other than 'please fuck me.' This was the first time he
wanted to just kiss someone and hold hands and call them his boyfriend. It was
this boy with the ridiculous hair and a smile that should be illegal.

 It seemed that the boy, Josh, hated himself just enough as well to talk to
Tyler. It was perplexing, why anyone would want any semblance of a romantic
relationship with Tyler but this kid insisted, saying that he saw something
special in Tyler.

 "Stop putting yourself down, Ty, you're more than you give yourself credit
for. You've got such an amazing personality and you're just, fuck, I can't even
explain it. You're so much more than anyone I've ever met."

 Tyler couldn't tell Josh about how he was pressured by Brent into having sex
again. He wanted to just belong to Josh and only him but Brent was persistent
and he had a way with words.

 Even so, Josh continued to talk to him. Somewhere along the way, they became
boyfriends. It was a couple days after that that Josh was biting his lip as he
held Tyler's hand.

 "What's wrong?" Tyler asked, noticing the nervous look on Josh's face.

 "I, uhm, I want you to meet my parents," Josh confessed. He understood Tyler's
own home situation and didn't press him on that side but he was open with his
family and he wanted to share Tyler with them. It made Tyler nervous but he
agreed. He loved it when he could see Josh smile.

 He called his mom and let her know that he was going over to his friends house
for the weekend. She was displeased but didn't say much else about it.

 Josh's house was nice and warm, welcoming. He was guided through the hall and
into the living room where he smiled to Josh's mom and shook her hand.

 "It's so nice to meet you finally. Josh hasn't shut up about you," she said
and Tyler laughed, feeling his boyfriend squeeze his hand and hide in his
shoulder. They were sitting on the couch having a conversation, Josh's mom
eating up how cute they were. She would smile anytime Josh said something sweet
to Tyler, anytime Josh would lean over against Tyler.

 "I'm so glad he found you. Josh has been a little lonely even if he won't
admit it."

 "Mom, please don't embarrass him yet, I don't want him to run away," Josh
complained. Tyler turned his head and pressed a kiss to Josh's temple before he
leaned over to whisper in his ear.

 "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" He said seriously, understanding how it felt
to be lonely. He wanted Josh to know that he cared, that he wouldn't leave.
Tyler for once felt like he could make something better of himself.

 "Your father's home from work," Josh's mother said, pointing at the wall and
they all stopped and listened. They could hear the garage opening. They
continued talking and Tyler heard a door open and footsteps come from down the
hall. Josh stood up and pulled Tyler with him.

 "Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend," Josh said as his father rounded the
corner. Josh was all smiles and genuine happiness and Tyler wished he could
feel the same but he couldn't. Not with the sinking pit in his stomach. He
looked up at the man who was Josh's dad and remembered how his knees hurt just
last week as he was on the floor of some dingy motel. He remembered how there
was some guys cock in his mouth and he had looked up through his eyelashes to
see that very same face. He remembered how the man had been rough and pulling
on his hair.

 Tyler ran his fingers through his hair, trying to get the feeling of Josh's
father out of his head.

 "Hello," he said, letting go of Josh's hand to shake his fathers, "My names
Tyler." He was trying to smile but he was pretty sure it came out awkward.
Fortunately, Josh's father played along like he hadn't seen Tyler before.

 "Nice to meet you, my son hasn't shut up about you, I was wondering when he'd
finally man up and bring you over." There was a short awkward laugh and then
Josh was tugging Tyler towards the stairs. He went without a fight, needing to
get away from the older man.

 Dinner was awkward that night because he kept looking up at his boyfriend who
was smiling so wide at him. He could also feel his boyfriends fathers eyes on
the side of his face. He didn't want to think about what he'd done, how he had
really brought this on himself. Josh's mother asked if it would be alright if
Tyler joined in on the prayer and he nodded. Tyler said his own inside his head
though.

 It was the usual as he begged for forgiveness, wishing and hoping for someone
to wash his sins away. They said 'amen' and Tyler knew it would never happen.

 The Dun family had a pleasant conversation through dinner and they tried to
include Tyler but he didn't have much to say, couldn't form a decent sentence
through all the muddled thoughts he had in his head. The only form of peace he
found was when Josh took him up to his room.

 "Sorry about all the family time, I could tell you were starting to get a
little uncomfortable. Figured you could use some alone time," he said and Tyler
felt that it was a little suggestive. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms
around Josh's waist, giving a small smile when he felt Josh's around his neck.


 "Your family's nice but they're a lot," he said and Josh nodded.

 "My mom asks a lot of questions," Josh concluded and Tyler ended the
conversation there because he didn't want to think about Josh's parents. He
didn't want to think about what he had done and how he was honestly just fucked
up.

 Tyler chose to forget in Josh's lips. He pressed into Josh, letting his mind
go blank as he felt the small smile of Josh's lips against his. He let his
worries go as he bit at Josh's lips, wanting to taste him and him only, he
wanted the taste of Josh's father off his tongue, out of his head.

 Josh was grinding against him slowly, a small moan leaving his lips and Tyler
pulled back, raising an eyebrow at Josh.

 "Shit, I'm sorry. I don't normally get turned on this fast okay, it's just
been awhile, I-" Tyler shut him up with a short kiss.

 "Let me help," he whispered, smirking at the way Josh blushed as Tyler sunk to
his knees.

 Tyler hated how familiar this felt to him, hated how reaching up and
unbuttoning Josh's pants felt like any other man that he'd sucked off before.
He didn't want to remember how many times he had done this but it was hard to
forget and let the memories go when everything but the person was the same.

 He wanted so desperately for Josh to be different but he wasn't.

 But he didn't really mind this. He still felt the satisfaction at the gasp
Josh let out when he first felt the warm, wet heat of Tyler's mouth. He still
felt the pride when he was the one able to make Josh moan as he hollowed his
cheeks and swallowed around the tip of Josh's cock.

 Josh's hand was in his hair but it was softer than the other men's hands. This
one was almost loving. Tyler choked for the first time in a long time because
he felt that he might cry at how sweet Josh was being to him. If only Josh knew
the things he had done.

 He swallowed the come in his mouth and looked up at the blissed out face of
his boyfriend. He looked at the smile and the soft touches on his cheek as Josh
was pulling him up to his feet. He was kissing Tyler and it was soft and loving
and nothing like Tyler knew.

 "Want me to?" Josh asked quietly and Tyler shook his head.

 "No, I just wanna cuddle," he said and Josh nodded, pulling him into bed. They
curled up into each other, Tyler's arms around Josh. He pressed kisses into
Josh's hair as the other boy fell asleep. Tyler wanted to experience this more
often and he wanted to think about Josh only but he couldn't because he felt
tainted. Too many other people had touched him and used him, bent him over a
piece of furniture and had their way with him. Tyler wasn't ever going to be
good enough for a relationship.

 He felt the steady breaths from Josh and slithered out of the bed. He stood
watching him for a moment, studying his soft face, the beauty that this boy
held. Tyler wanted so badly to be good enough for him.

 He tried yet again to be good enough.

 Tyler was on his knees with his hands clasped tightly together, forehead
resting against his hands.

 "God, please rid me of my sins. I want to be somebody worth investing in, I
want to be somebody that could evoke pride. I want to," he paused as he
sniffled, leaning back to wipe away the tears.

 "I want to be good enough," he said finally as he stood up. Tyler gave one
last look to Josh who was peacefully asleep in his bed before he left the room
to go downstairs. He needed some water so he could help calm himself down
before he really started to cry. He was standing over the counter, a glass of
water in his hand when he heard the voice behind him.

 "I didn't expect your pretty face to walk in my door when Josh said he was
bringing home his boyfriend." Tyler spun around to see Josh's father standing
in the kitchen a few steps behind him.

 "I," Tyler started, trying to defend himself but he couldn't say anything.

 "Can't be too into my son if you were with me only a week ago," the man said,
sounding like he was angry with Tyler for what he'd done.

 Tyler was trying to stutter out a response that would be an apology as much as
it was a confession.

 "I, it's not like that, okay? Hey, wait. You can't be that into your wife if
you were with me only a week ago," Tyler spit back. The man looked angry as he
stepped forward but his hand went to Tyler's hair, tipping it back. It was
uncomfortable to breathe and Tyler was ashamed with how it turned him on. He
didn't want to admit that he wouldn't feel this way with Josh, he couldn't see
Josh being rough with him, in fact, it would be the opposite.

 "You will  not  speak of that to anyone, you hear?" The man seethed and Tyler
gulped as he nodded. The man gripped tighter to his hair and Tyler's mouth fell
open, a whine leaving with the air from his lungs.

 "That's what I thought," the man said with a smirk.

 Then his teeth were at Tyler's neck, scraping gently, sinking in once.

 "Please," Tyler gasped. He was unsure what he meant by it. He wanted it to
mean 'please don't' because his boyfriend was in the room above them, he wanted
to be faithful but what scared Tyler was that that might not be what he meant.
There was a part of him that wanted it to be ‘please give me more’ and he was
scared that that's what left his mouth.

 There was a hand grabbing at his cock from outside his jeans and Tyler's
cheeks were red with shame.

 "I bet you get off on this," the man whispered, "I bet you enjoy the thought
of almost getting caught."

 Tyler didn't want to agree but it had been a thing he thought about even when
he was younger, fingering himself on his bed with his family only a few doors
away.

 The hand on his cock was squeezing slightly and rubbing and Tyler wanted to
run away but he also wanted to stay. There was honestly a part of him that was
telling him to flee, that he could get out of this if he wanted. It was the
same part of him that was hopeful for redemption, for a chance to be saved.
What scared him was that the more dominant side of him was telling him that he
liked it, that this is what he wanted and needed. That same part was the one
that made him whimper and arch into the man like he was needy to be touched.
The hand that was in his hair traveled down to his ass, squeezing it once.
Tyler let out a moan, his hands reaching up to clutch at the man's shirt.

 Tyler realized that the small part of him that wanted to leave would never
win.

 He reached down to his own pants, unbuttoning them and pushing them and his
boxers down to his thighs.

 "Touch me, please," he begged, knuckles white as he felt like he was holding
on for dear life. The man didn't hesitate as he reached down, jacking Tyler off
slowly. He stopped after a few seconds, backing away as he looked Tyler up and
down.

 "You're disgusting," he said, reaching forward and grabbing Tyler's shirt,
flipping him around and pushing him into the counter. There was the sound of a
cap and Tyler realized that after he found out who Josh's father was, there was
no way that this night could have gone any differently. He hung his head as he
felt fingers at his hole, pushing in quick and rough. It had been awhile since
Tyler had been fucked. He had stuck to just sucking people off lately as a way
to get around the fact that he was trying to be loyal. It didn't work so well
obviously.

 Josh's father was rough and quick about it, never giving enough time for Tyler
to get to that feel good spot before he was pushing into Tyler.

 He let out a groan as he gripped at the counter, trying to distract himself
from the burn he felt. It eventually melted away and it left him with too much,
too good and he was moaning even though he tried his hardest not to. The high
noises leaving his mouth were uncontrollable because the man behind him was
rough, going too hard and too fast and it was still bordering on painful but it
was also exactly what Tyler liked. He reached down and started to jack himself
off, his body aching with each thrust from the man behind him. He had pleasure
burning through each nerve and he was coming, his sore ass clenching around the
cock in his ass. He hadn't realized how loud he was until a hand was over his
mouth and lips were at his ear.

 "Shut the fuck up, boy, my wife is upstairs," he said and Tyler tilted his
head back, resting it on the man's shoulder. His body felt spent and the other
man kept going, using Tyler until he was finished.

 He didn't even bother to stick around and help Tyler clean up.

 Tyler sighed as he pulled his pants back up and cleaned the counter and
himself off. He was standing there, staring at the glass of water before he
burst into tears. He let himself fall to the floor as he curled in on himself.
There was so much negativity going through his head and he couldn't keep
himself together anymore.

 He hated himself for the fact that he was so disgusting. Simply for the fact
that he slept with people just for the satisfaction and pleasure of it. It
wasn't even just the sex part, it was how often and how many and how disgusting
it really was. Tyler hated himself for the fact that he had prayed to be good
enough but he wouldn't ever be because of things like tonight. He couldn't ever
feel like he deserved anything beautiful after the things that he had done.

 Tyler pushed himself up to his feet and wiped at his eyes and nose. He took in
a deep breath to steady himself before he walked upstairs to his boyfriend's
room.

 Josh was laying there peacefully, unaware of how disgusting his own boyfriend
was. He was unaware of what he boyfriend had just done.

 Tyler felt sick to his stomach and wanted to leave but he knew that if he was
going to pretend that he wasn't awful, he couldn't just leave.

 The problem was, he looked at Josh and he saw a future. He saw somebody that
could help him and be enough. He saw somebody who would love and care for him.
He saw somebody who was as perfect as they could get, beautiful and caring and
sweet and everything Tyler could have settled down with. But then he looked at
himself and saw the history. He saw all those other men's fingerprints
littering his body. He could still feel them touching him and grabbing him. He
could hear their moans and their words that they spoke in a hushed whisper.

 The worst part was he could still hear his own moans.

 So Tyler laid down next to his boyfriend and welcomed him with open arms as
the sleeping boy curled into the warm body now present. Tyler was running his
hand through Josh's hair, wishing once again that he could be good enough.

 At least for now the thoughts and sounds of the other men were replaced with a
constant string of thoughts.

 I hate myself, I hate them, I hate what I've become,  over and over in his
head. Tyler looked down at Josh at his side.

 He's beautiful, he's perfect, he's all that I want.

 "He deserves more than I can give."
End Notes
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