Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11297358.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Star_Wars_Episode_VII:_The_Force_Awakens_(2015), Star_Wars_-_All_Media
      Types
  Relationship:
      Kylo_Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben_Solo_|_Kylo_Ren
  Character:
      Kylo_Ren, Ben_Solo, Rey_(Star_Wars)
  Additional Tags:
      Slow_Burn, First_Kiss, Awkward, Voyeurism, Consensual_Underage_Sex,
      Eventual_Smut, YALL_THIS_PLAGUES_MY_DREAMS, Violence, Blood_and_Gore
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-06-25 Updated: 2018-03-23 Chapters: 9/? Words: 11779
****** It's Raining Somewhere Else ******
by Goldenmachine
Summary
     "There was no denying it: she was entranced by him and she shouldn't
     be. The way he watched her sent her searching for breath. It sent
     shocks down her spine, making her want, well, she wasn't even sure.

     Yes I am. His hand threaded through my hair, pressed up so close I
     can feel his breath."
     Rey is a librarian with too much freetime. Kylo is a high school
     student who frequents her library.
Notes
     This will be underage-y. Ren is 23, Kylo is 15, going on 40 with his
     attitude. Sorry if that creeps you out :| I have to get this out of
     my system.
***** Peggy *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Rey was jolted by the sound of books hitting her desk. Hard. She looked up at a
woman, obviously very annoyed, who narrowed her eyes downward.
“Please do something about the young man over in the non-fiction section. His
music is so loud, I can’t even hear myself think.” The woman began searching
through her bag, grabbing her overly key-chained car keys.
“Were you needing to check these books out?” Rey called out to the woman who
sauntered towards the automatic doors of the library entrance. She barely heard
the woman huff a “No” before the doors shut behind her.
“You’re fucking kidding me.”
===============================================================================
 
It took Rey longer than she would have liked to put up the abandoned books.
There were 15 books in total; most were assorted romance novels, heavily worn,
sprinkled with the occasional southern cookbook. The cookbooks were easily re-
shelfed, as the gaping holes on the bookcase were indication enough. The area
for these was also in a featured section near the front of the building,
towards her desk. The romance novels however needed a miracle.
The bookcases in the romance section were absolutely stuffed. The paperbacks
were squeezed so tightly together trying to put them back on the shelf resulted
in crinkled covers. Rey audibly groaned. She’d have to re-shelf entire rows to
accommodate the books better. She glanced down at her watch. 4:15. She tied up
her hair with her a rubber band that she had a habit of keeping on her wrist.
Sighing, she set off to work.
4:45 her watch face read now. Irritation flooded her as she looked at her
masterpiece: an adequately spaced bookcase.
“How did it even get that bad?” she pondered. She had only been at the library
for two weeks. In those two weeks, she undid the damaged of months of neglect
by the person who had her job before her. She shook her head and began walking
to the labyrinth of bookcases.
I should have looked for that kid earlier, she thought. She peered down row
after empty row of shelves, looking for anyone really. The library was closing
soon anyway. As she approached the non-fiction, she did hear faint, muffled
noise. It was so obscure from where she was, she couldn’t identify it.
Walking section through section, she swept the area thoroughly.  
300- Social sciences.
The sound grew louder.
400- Language.
She quickened her pace. For whatever reason, she was nervous. Through her
search of the previous areas, she knew the building was empty. If anyone else
was back there, surely they would have complained to her about the music too.
But no one did.
When she reached the 500 shelving, she could hear it fairly clear. Her feet
stopped of their own accord. Nostalgia coiled in her stomach at the familiar
sound.
The figure sat cross legged on the floor in front of the 520 bookcase:
 Astronomy. Books were scattered around him, some opened to charts and
diagrams. Others formed sizable stacks, over which he was now hunched. His dark
hair curled to wispy ends that nearly pressed into the hood of his jacket.
She walked behind him, not sure how to approach the situation.
The library was closing.
He had books everywhere
He probably couldn’t hear her.
Rey huffed. She was annoyed.
What if I tap him on the shoulder and scare the hell out of him? What if he
punches me? Rey thought to herself, trying to formulate the best way to handle
it.
So she waited, hummed along until she knew the song was dying down.
What should I say?
“Hey, turn that shit off when you’re in here.”
“You made a woman upset earlier with your garbage music.”
“Do you want to be deaf soon?”
“You better put all that shit back.”
Her lips twitched upwards in a small smirk. She felt like an old librarian
coming to chastise a teenager for doing, well, what they always did: annoy
others.
“Hey,” she settled on when the music track finally ended. It was loud enough
that she knew he could hear. He visibly shuddered, nearly knocking over the
stack he was slouched over. Ripping his headphones out of his ears, he scowled
backwards at her.
“What?” He practically snarled at her. She flinched at the harshness in his
voice, also mirrored in his eyes. She was taken aback.
“T-the library is closing. I need you to either leave or head to the
circulation desk.” She stammered out. His eyes were so dark and stared blankly
at her, it made her heart quicken. She began to fiddle with her watchband. It
was a nervous habit she had. And she was nervous.
His eyes moved from hers to her watch her wiggle the band on her small wrist.
He blinked a few times before standing.
“I’m checking all these out, then.” He spoke evenly now, making an effort to
pick up the books that surrounded him. Rey stood still for moment, almost
afraid to move. When his eyes moved back to meet hers, she lurched forward
kneeling towards the piles, trying to help him gather the books that were
sprawled everywhere.
“All of them?” She asked, genuinely curious. There were 20, no maybe 30, books
between the two pairs of arms that gathered them. She lifted her face to try
and meet his gaze, but in being so engrossed in picking up the books, they were
close. Not “count his eyelashes” close, but close enough to see that “kid” was
the right thing to call him. He was young. A high-schooler. She could see the
telltale strap of the ID lanyard that the local high schools forced the
students to wear tucked beneath his jacket. He nodded at her question.
She smiled. Not so much at his answer, but because there she went, talking to
herself as though she was over the hill already. She wasn’t. Not even close.
But sometimes 23 can feel that way.
His eyes grew wide as saucers.
===============================================================================
 
He followed her to the circulation desk-her desk. She circled around and set
her stack of books on the counter in front of him while he made a separate pile
for the one’s he had carried over.
She ducked below, trying to find him a bag big and sturdy enough to carry the
books out in. She settled on two, previously used, grocery store paper bags.
“Can I see your school ID?” She asked him, gingerly holding her palm out
towards him. He looked at her, brows knitting slightly together.
“Why?”
“Have you never been here before?” She let her hand come to rest on top of one
of the books, awaiting his reply.
“No.” She took a deep breath in, feeling almost guilty.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m new here too.” She smiled, fighting the urge to twist her
watch band around her wrist. “Our system is linked with the high schools in
town, so we don’t need to separately get your information for check out. I just
need to scan your school ID.”
He reached up and hooked a thumb under his lanyard, pulling up his ID from the
confines of his jacket. He unclipped it from the bottom of the strap and handed
it to her. She took it from his, eyes glancing at his chewed short nails. He
quickly recoiled his hand.
“Are you new to the area?” She asked, trying to lighten the mood as she scanned
his ID. The computer took a moment to populate with his information. Her eyes
wandered over his card in her hand. West High School was printed across the top
in black, bold letters. His photo was in the middle, and underneath, “Kylo Ren
– Senior”. She glanced up at him when he didn’t answer her question within a
few lingering moments.
“Yeah” He huffed when he met her eyes before looking away towards the door.
The computer finally filled with his information, so she glanced towards the
screen before beginning to scan the books in. However, “Ben Solo - Junior” was
what she saw on her screen. She looked from the screen, to the ID card, to the
young man in front of her. It was definitely the right person she was looking
at; he looked identical to the photos. She inwardly shrugged. The computer had
been on its last leg since before she arrived at the library. She began to scan
the books.
She placed the books in the bags as she went. When she got to the last book,
the computer seized and wouldn’t populate the barcode.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Rey whispered to herself as she placed the
scanner, none too gently back into its cradle. She took a deep breath before
looking up to apologize.
“The computer needs a second to catch up. I’m sorry it’s taking so long.” She
held his ID back out to him. He took it from her quickly before shoving it and
his hands back into his jacket pocket, his eyes moving back to the doors.  She
sighed.
She counted to 30, but the computer still was processing.
Just take the books.
I’m quitting.
I can’t believe I wasted a degree on this.
“So, uh, the Mars Volta?” She settled on, beginning to bend the free end of her
watch strap as she waited for his reply; He didn’t. He just simply shifted his
gaze back to her, blankly.
“You were listening to them when I found you, right? Roulette Dares?”
Again, he didn’t say anything. She began to twist the watch around her wrist,
ignoring the burn of it being a bit too tight to make a comfortable turn. She
glanced down at the computer that was at least, slowly, populating the barcode
numbers.
“I used to listen to them a lot,” she told him, watching his eyes follow her
movements on her wrist. Her hand froze, stopping her nervous action. He glanced
up at her then. She absently chewed a corner of her bottom lip as she grabbed
at the receipt that finally erupted from the printer. She glanced back up.
His eyes were focused on her mouth. He looked enthralled, even hungry. She
immediately stopped her actions again, holding in a breath. His eyes surged
wide at the realization that she had seen him. He sucked in a breath. She threw
the receipt in one of the bags and pushed both towards his edge of the counter.
“Have a nice night.”
He didn’t reply.
What the fuck.
Chapter End Notes
     This is my first work on A03.
     Please be kind. Jk give me feedback.
     I really appreciate it.
***** How Near, How Far *****
Chapter Notes
     Thanks so much! I'll be updating frequently!
Rey grimaced. Her coffee was only getting colder as the IT tech droned on over
the phone.
Yes, I’ve done that.
And that.
Thanks for your help, I’m just gonna break it.
“I appreciate your help. I think I’m just going to put in for a new computer.
Have a great day.” She said curtly, agitation curling over her words. She put
the corded phone back on the receiver, groaning.
Why was everything always falling apart?
Her life, she swore, was battle after battle. Fighting for scraps others were
clawing at all the same. Scholarships for college, food stamps for dinner,
curb-side finds for decoration; nothing ever came easy. She was nothing more
than a scavenger.
As she sent the requisition email from her phone, her alarm buzzed along the
top of her screen. Time to officially start the day.
She strolled to the automatic door and reached up. She felt for the button
hidden along the top that would set the doors to open. Click. The doors whirled
open, allowing the chill to nearly knock her backwards. Shuddering cold invaded
the small holes of her worn, oversized sweater.
Kriff, its fucking cold.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure hunched by the side of the
building. Being used to having the occasional homeless person needing shelter
from the elements, she immediately called out to them.
“The library is open, if you were wanting to come in.”
He turned, those same dark eyes meeting hers. He held her gaze for a moment,
his breath coloring the space in front of him, before grabbing those same paper
bags and hauled them towards the entrance. He passed her quickly, almost
brushing into her as she stepped out of his way. She took in a breath turning
to follow him, fists curled into the bottom of her sweater.
She circled around her desk, noting the height difference as she walked behind
him that she didn't seem to realize yesterday.
But what does that matter?
He made a great effort to not slam the books down onto her desk, despite their
weight. She was puzzled.
“Did you decide you didn’t want them after all?” She began removing the books
from the bags, checking to make sure they were still in good condition.
“I read them.” He stated simply. She quirked a brow, pausing her motions. The
books wouldn’t have been an easy read, by any means. She looked at him waiting
for a “Just kidding” or something of the sort. It didn’t come. She quickly took
the remaining books from the bags and began to scan them in as being returned.
“I’ll check them all in then. You’re free to whatever else you need.”
He didn’t respond.
===============================================================================
 
Rey sat at her desk and idly scrolled on her phone, adding pins to several
different “Someday” boards. It had been hours since the kid had come in.
Kylo.
What is he doing?
Does he need help?
Should I ask?
Her eyes darted towards the entrance. Not a soul had entered the library all
morning, besides Kylo. She was grateful and disappointed. At least the day
could drag on while searching Pinterest, rather than re-shelving misplaced
books.
Another hour past. Her phone battery fought for a break as it uncomfortably
created heat in her hand. Begrudgingly, she decided to check on him. She shoved
back on her desk, attempting to roll her hair back so she could stand. Instead
it snagged on the rug beneath and nearly tipped her out.
I fucking hate this place.
===============================================================================
 
Her feet carried her into the labyrinth that was the nonfiction. The shelves
had been placed so precariously that in her short time here she had often
wanted to re-arrange the entire area. But she didn’t. So, they remained; some
corners obscured from even her own familiar eyes. It was a train wreck.
She didn’t have to seek out one of those inconspicuous corners however. He was
exactly where he was yesterday, surrounded by even more of a mess. An entire
shelf’s worth of books laid sprawled on the floor around him, most opened to
various pages. He looked exactly the same. Same jacket leaned over a larger
stack of books than yesterday. He didn’t have his headphones in.
What the fuck?
Is this really happening?
Who takes a whole shelf down?
“Is there something you’re looking for?” She quipped, hand coming up to brush
her temple. He turned to look at her, thankfully not as agitated as yesterday.
Her hand brushed a stray hair back behind her ear, before settling it into
crossed arms. He regarded her, eyes slightly faltering downwards before
returning to the book he was leaned over.
“I have a list. I didn’t see them here. Can you check to see if they are lent
out?” He reached into his pocket and handed her a note, eyes not leaving the
book in front of him. She gingerly took it before he recoiled his hand quickly.
Her brows knit together as she scanned over the list. It was long.
“We don’t have any of these.” She answered, attempting to hand him the list
back. He shut the book in front of him before turning to face her slightly. He
narrowed his eyes at her somewhat, taking the list from her outstretched hand.
“How do you know if you don’t check?’ At this she laughed. A small chuckle that
she quickly tried to cover with a forced cough, but not before agitation washed
over his features.
“This is my library. I already know”
“You told me you were new.”
“New and uninformed are two completely different things.” Rey retorted, her
mouth settling into a line. He held her gaze until it became uncomfortable, for
her at least. She fished her phone out of her back pocket and opened a link to
the library requisitions.
“Give me the list”, she murmured, holding out her hand towards him. He slowly
retrieved the paper from his jacket pocket again, brushing it across her
fingers. When she grabbed it, he didn’t recoil.
She typed the ISBN numbers into the requisition list. The books weren’t cheap,
and the library budget wasn’t as plentiful as it should have been. The running
total for his books hit the quarterly threshold and surpassed it eagerly. Her
heart thudded as she ran the over the options she had, gingerly running teeth
over her bottom lip.
I can’t have done this just for show.
I’ll just tell him our library is too poor for all these books and he needs to
narrow this list down.
She looked away from her screen to see him looking intently at her mouth. Her
heart seized. She quietly cleared her throat, mouth dry as ever.
“I’ll order them for you,” she declared. His eyes snapped up to meet hers, a
slight creep of color moving in over his cheeks. She paused before her finger
slid over the screen in her hand, deleting the new computer from her
requisition list. She inwardly kicked herself. He remained silent, but his eyes
conveyed confusion as he looked at her.
“Can I get a good phone number? I’ll call you when the books arrive.” She
inquired, fingers finishing up the order on her screen. He hesitated, waiting
until she looked over at him before he recited his number. She quickly typed
into the “notes” field of the order.
“Just text me.” He quietly spoke, almost slurring the words into a single
syllable. He opened the book again and turned away from her. Her cheeks flushed
hotly as her hand curved harshly over her phone.
“Please just put everything back when you’re done.” She turned on her heel and
back towards her desk.
***** 198d *****
Chapter Notes
     I really appreciate all of you! Thanks so much for the support!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Rey’s fingers ran over the package on her desk. She was grateful the mailman
had brought it in to her. From the way he strained through the door with it,
she might have had to drag it in across the floor.
“Did you order a whole new library worth of books?” the mailman had joked,
handing her his scanner. He waited expectantly on her signature.
“Something like that,” she smiled. She handed his scanner back to him, pausing
slightly. “They make you deliver in such bad weather?”
“Ma’am, until the city shuts down, I’ll be out delivering.”
As she watched him leave the building, she was struck with the realization she
should let him know his books were here. And she was nervous. She listened to
her watch tick as she fiddled with the worn band.
Just let him know his books are here.
School was cancelled for today, wasn't it?
Maybe he'll come see you.
She glanced out the front doors, watching the snow fall and pile on top of
itself. She couldn’t imagine walking through the snow drifts. She shook her
head, trying to reason with herself.
For the books.
Her fingers gripped her phone, squeezing it a bit too tightly into the sleek
casing. She hated the way her stomach flipped and churned.
“Hi, its Rey from the public library. Your books have arrived and will be here
whenever you can make it in.” she quickly typed out. She watched the cursor
blink for a moment, trying to calm herself. Before she could chicken out, she
harshly pressed send and watched it pop up into the screen above. She was
overcome with anxiousness she hadn't felt in years as she stared down at the
screen. It was almost immediately read. Her heart began to hammer obscenely
within her chest. She waited with baited breath for a reply that never came.
After a few minutes, she purposely left her phone on her desk. She roamed the
shelves trying to keep herself busy.
It wasn’t long before she heard the sound of the automatic doors whirling open.
Her heart thudded as she peeked around a shelf, hoping that it would be him.
But there was no one there. Rey huffed out a breath.
Damn snow tripping the sensor.
She walked to the front, cursing to herself.
You’re acting like a child.
Get it together.
She reached up the door’s button, switching it off. She didn't want it
continuously opening.
Getting my hopes up
If anyone needed in, which was doubtful, they could just knock to be let in. As
she stepped from the door she resigned herself to rearrange the shelves to pass
the time. She could finally have them just like she wanted and conveniently
keep herself occupied. Her mind wandered off to what she wanted to move first
as she slowly walked from the doors. She hadn’t made it but a few steps when a
gentle knock at the door had her rattled. It was unexpectedly soon. She quickly
turned on her heel to see him standing at the door, snow in his hair. The cold
had him pale as ever as he wore the same charcoal jacket. She smiled and
hurriedly moved to let him in.
The doors slid open and he stepped in, bringing the cold in with him. She
hastily reached back up to hit the button on the door.
“Are you closing?” he asked, teeth slightly chattering. His hands were fisted
in his jacket, trying to keep warm.
Why did you make him walk here in the cold?
“No, the door was just opening from the snow.” She coiled her hands in her own
jacket pockets to keep from lacing her fingers in his dark, wavy hair.
To get the snow out.
“Your books are over on my desk.”
He followed closely behind as she lead him to her desk. He was so close behind
she could hear his footsteps in the low, worn carpet. She suppressed a shiver.
From the cold.
“Well, I didn’t open the box yet.” She told him, gesturing to the package. “You
can open it, if you want.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, eyes grazing
from the box to meet his gaze. He actually smiled. She held a breath as her
heart felt like it was struggling to beat.
It was simultaneously the best and worst feeling of her life.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
“You don't always have to sit on the floor to read, you know.” She chided,
picking up the now empty box. He looked up from the book he was holding to meet
her gaze. "Just use my desk" He hesitated for only a moment, before making
himself comfortable in her chair. He began pouring through the first book,
flipping through the pages and pausing to look at diagrams. He looked
completely enthralled.
“Just let me know if you need anything.”
Her feet carried her down the hallway behind her desk. She felt absolutely
heavy as she crossed the threshold to the break room. She immediately felt the
telltale stinging of tears. Frustrated, she heaved the empty box at far wall.
Regret sank in quickly as the box knocked down a few framed certifications and
permits from the wall. She slowly crossed the small room, fists balling up in
the hem of her jacket.
Why would you even do that?
She blinked quickly as she knelt down and started picking up the fallen frames.
She willed her eyes not to cry, but to no avail. Drops fell down onto the glass
in her hands. Guilt wound its way up her frame, holding her still in a vice
grip. There was no denying it; she was entranced by him and she shouldn't be.
The way he watched her sent her searching for breath. It sent shocks down
spine, making her want, well, she wasn't even sure.
Yes I am. His hand threaded through my hair, pressed up so close I can feel his
breath.
She pushed the thought away, gripping harder onto the frame. She gave up the
one the thing the library actually needed; the one thing that consistently
plagued her every day. All for dozens of books he had asked her for on a whim.
And when he smiled at her, when his face genuinely lit up, she wanted to -
You’re being pathetic. You know that right?
Rey couldn't help but scoff at herself, acting the way she was. She stood up
and placed the frames back onto the wall in their correct places. Well, as best
as she could remember since she rarely used the break room. She regarded the
wall briefly and let out a small sigh trying to compose herself.
When she turned to leave, she saw he was just beyond the doorway. His brows
were knit together, concern lacing his features. She wished he wouldn't look at
her like that.
“Don't look like that. I’m fine.” Rey quickly told him, forcing a smile and
trying to wave his worry off. His gaze didn’t waiver from hers. He only
slightly shifted his stance. Her heart faltered slightly.
Do I look like I’ve been crying?
Out of instinct, she wiped the back of her fingers over her eye. His gaze
faltered and settled down to the tile floor. He looked like he was searching
for something to say.
She opened her mouth to presumably dig herself into a deeper hole, but snapped
it shut when she heard the city’s alarms blare in the distance. He pulled his
phone from his pocket, reading his vibrating screen.
“The city is under shutdown due to inclement weather. They’re urging everyone
to seek shelter.”
“Great,” Rey huffed, crossing her arms. “You should see if your parents can
come get you.” He narrowed his eyes at her, almost looking irritated at her
suggestion.
“Are you staying?”
“Yeah. Its better for me here than where I live.” She thought of her small
apartment on the less desirable side of town. She didn’t want to be stuck there
without power for who knows how long.
“Then I’ll stay too,” he decided.
Chapter End Notes
     Well, here we go ;)
***** Ease *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Rey willed her eyes to stay on her phone screen as she shifted uncomfortably in
her chair. She always thought that her desk was a bit small, but now trying to
share the space with another person, it was blatantly clear. She had pulled up
a spare chair to the short end of the desk, while he sat where she normally
did. She scrolled halfheartedly through pin after pin while he poured over his
books. She found herself intermittently gazing up over to him, watching him
scan line after line of text, until he wasn't.  He glanced over at her, meeting
her eyes.

This literally couldn't be worse.

He regarded her for a moment as she went completely rigid. He slowly broke into
a smirk before reaching for a different book in his stack. Rey's face had never
felt this hot before. Her chest tightened uncomfortably and she found it hard
to take a breath.

This is literally worse.

Just get up.

It's already weird.

She pushed herself from the desk as quickly as she could and made her way to
the safety of the bookcases. She could feel his eyes on her as she walked, but
neither of the two exchanged a word.

-

It was a slow kind of torture trying to find books out of place. Rey
meticulously scanned each shelf, grazing her fingers along the spines looking
for one that didn't belong. For every one book she found, there were entire
book cases of perfectly placed titles. She began to hate that everything was in
its right place. Judging by the way the light from the windows was nearly
nonexistent, either the storm was getting worse, or she had successfully passed
the time. She unlocked her phone to find that both were true. The storm warning
had been extended and broadened to the neighboring counties and nearly two
hours had passed. She exhaled a deep breath. She wasn't sure whether to be
relieved that she was closer to being done for the day or more anxious that the
storm might have them stuck in the library for even longer. She began walking,
engrossed in the reports of accidents and road closures that flooded her
screen. She she turned sharply to return to front of the building, and
completely collided with Kylo's solid form. Her phone launched itself from her
hands and landed a few feet forward while her body was knocked backwards onto
the ground. Rey was mortified. It was the kind of embarrassment that washed
over you and kept you from sleeping at night. She couldn't even make a coherent
thought. Kylo's eyes were wide in mirrored empathy, his face coloring red. He
didn't miss a beat in offering her a hand, but she hesitated in taking it.

Don't take it.

Don't take his hand.

The lights overhead flickered out, leaving only the faint glow coming from the
few windows along the far wall. Cautiously she overstretched her hand out to
meet his, grazing along his wrist before interlocking hands with his. He pulled
her up, a bit too brazenly, and she stumbled forward almost running into him a
second time. She quickly pulled her hand from his. Rey's heart pounded harshly
in her chest. She swore it was audible with the way he looked down at her. They
were so close she could, this time, count his eyelashes. They were dark and
framed the deepness of his eyes.

Don't do it.

The overbearing voice of reason tried to drown out the chorus of bad ideas.

Kiss him.

What are you waiting for?

Kiss him.

They stood, as frozen as it was outside, for what seemed like an eternity. It
was an overwhelming sensation being so close to doing something that was, to
Rey, utterly wrong. She teetered on the edge, looking for any sign that would
push her either way. He gave no inclination, his expression had flattened down
to as passive as if he were reading one of his books. She took a deep breath
and made to step back from him, to apologize for everything that had happened.
His hand softly gripped her arm, keeping her from moving backward.

"Rey."

Chills ran down her spine at the way he curled over her name. Her breath
caught. She was caught. She took a tentative step forward, closing the gap
between them. She struggled to find words, to ask him what he wanted. He looked
down at her through lashes and licked his lips.

Oh.

She reached up and wound her fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck,
urging him downwards. He followed, fingers digging into the fabric of her
jacket at her waist.

"I don't think this is the best idea," Rey murmured, lips ghosting over the
warmness of Kylo's mouth. A brief moment of clarity making her want to recoil
away from him. His fingers harshly bit into her waist, pulling her flush to
him.

"Please."




Chapter End Notes
     Y'all, I was stuck. I hope this is okay.
     I really enjoy your feedback!
***** Love *****
Chapter Notes
     My whole life is a short chapter.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
If Kylo knew what to do, he would have kissed her. He would have kissed her
when she bought him the books, or when he caught her looking at him for far too
long. If the overwhelming sense of just how young he was, how naive he was,
didn't stop him dead in his tracks, he would have kissed her a long time ago.

It was a biting panic that rusted his joints, keeping him from closing the
small gap between their lips. Every ounce of willpower was concentrated in his
fingertips grasping onto her.

His mouth moved of its own accord, the sound falling out before his panic could
register it.

"Please." He uttered, feeling the ghosting of her fingers on back of his neck.
His thoughts were flitting. He wanted everything all at once, but would settle
for anything at all. He felt a slight shudder rack through her. He fought back
the weakness that threatened his legs, all because he had caused that.

He could move, just slightly, and kiss her. He just needed to press his mouth
to hers and then-

The uncertainty, the fear, all coupled with the overwhelming understanding that
he was leagues beneath her crushed his resolve to make the move on his own.
 
But he didn't need resolve when she was the one to press forward. Her warm
mouth found his and he could swear it was the highlight of his life. His heart
was pounding in his chest. He tightened his his arms around her, pulling her
closer. The softness of her pressed completely to him was something he could
have only dreamt of previously. Her fingers tightened in his hair as she
attempted to deepen the kiss.

It was all new and his thoughts were faded for her. He followed her lead,
moving his mouth against hers. Kylo felt like he could do this forever, wrapped
in the closeness of her.

But forever couldn't last.

His phone rang, the loudness piercing the silence that filled the library. He
made no attempt to move, but she jolted back, eyes wide with worry. He didn't
like the look. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, answering it with the
barest of interest.

"What," he mumbled into the receiver. He watched Rey begin to fidget with her
watch band, eyes wandering around the floor as his mother droned on over the
phone.

"I'm just at the library, I'll be home in a little bit." He said through
clenched teeth, hanging up almost immediately after. The familiar grip of
anxiety tightened in his chest.

Don't tell me you regret it.

Don't tell me you're sorry.

She didn't need to say it. He could read her face better than he, in that
moment, would care to admit. 
He hated it. 
The fiery burn of anger replaced his cold uncertainty of what to do. The
familiar singe found its way through his chest, comforting him in the way that
it always did. Agitation crept over his features as he drove his fists into his
pockets.

"Don't worry, I won't come back. You don't have to pretend to like me anymore
because I'm just a fucking kid," he snarled, brushing past her towards the
exit.

He didn't turn back to her once he passed her, but all he heard an overbearing
silence.

There was no attempt to call him back or to stop him from leaving. He didn't
even hear her move in the slightest. Fury coiled its way in him, pushing out
anything that might have been there before.

I should have known.

Why am I so stupid?

Why-
Chapter End Notes
     I appreciate any feedback you all have! If you caught the Dragon Age
     reference, you're super cool.
***** Mistakes and Regrets *****
Chapter Notes
     I've combined what was chapter 7 with this one because I think it
     fits better than as a stand alone.
When the cold front came, it didn't seem to ever leave. The snow continued to
fall while harsh winds carried it off. Going to work became a daily hazard that
Rey wasn't sure she even wanted to attempt.
But she did.
She told herself to not linger on what happened, to not think about it and to
move forward. She sat at her desk. Kylo's books were still on the corner,
neatly stacked. In case he comes back.
But he didn't. 
===============================================================================
 
Snow lingered through the season change, but the calendar managed to creep into
spring. Rey made a point to clean the library from top to bottom trying to
pinpoint when it must have been done last. The tops of the bookcases had a
thick carpet of dust that had accumulated throughout the years. She gagged.
===============================================================================
 
Summer sweltered in like it always did. May held no flowers, only dead grass
that looked well-done. Children started filtering in for summer break
activities, like drawing or paper crafts. Rey had never seen the library so
full, although having them all there wasn't her first choice. She invested into
an additional craft table in an attempt to keep all the students occupied. She
hung up their art around the building.
===============================================================================
 
Rey's birthday came around all the same. She pretended to blow out the candle
on the pie she let defrost while she was at work. It tasted a bit like stale
freezer.
===============================================================================
 
The city rolled out a program for problem youth: Skills for Success. Young
adults would be enrolled in community services positions at various city
facilities. Rey received her letter of placement mid-September and a follow up
call almost two weeks later.
"He should arrive in a public school vehicle in just a little bit. We try to
escort them over directly after school to ensure that they actually attend."
So I'm a babysitter.
"Have him do any tasks that you would have a library assistant do. He's top of
his class academically, so we're hoping that this will be a great opportunity
for him."
"Am I allowed to know why he was placed into the program?"
"I'm sorry, but that's confidential."
Of course
"We do ask that if you feel unsafe at any time, don't hesitate to call us, or
in an emergency, our local police station."
"Are you serious?"
"We have to say that to all the facilities participating, Ms. Rey. I wouldn't
be worried."
I'm sure.
===============================================================================
 
Rey swiped through pins on her phone, eyes flickering from the door to the
screen in her hand. Waiting had never been an easy task for her. The gentle
tapping of her foot kept the ever-present silence at bay.
She noticed car pull up front and fought the urge to stare. Immediately, all
the reasons as to why her life continued to attract the worst of luck flooded
through her head.
That one time I parked in a "no parking" zone.
When I stood up that guy from Tinder.
Is it because I stored the answers in my calculator for my math final?
It was Kylo.
Because it just had to be.
Even before the doors whirled open, she could see the fading black eye he had.
His face was set like marble, jaw clenched and eyes cast down. The man that had
driven him over watched from the car as Kylo entered the building.
"As soon as he leaves, I'll go, don-." He stopped abruptly.
Don't worry?
Rey blinked, hands clutching her phone mercilessly. His eyes met hers for a
brief moment before dropping back down to watch the floor, as they had been.
Rey looked to the man in the car, still watching the two of them intently. She
scrambled for a solution.
"Follow me down the hallway then. He won't leave if we both just sit here like
this." She settled on, pushing back her chair and standing. She tried to ignore
the butterflies in her stomach when she led him to the office hall. His heavy
steps echoed off the narrow walkway. The gaze on her back felt piercing. She
finally slowed to a stop in front of the office door. A dull thud jolted her,
and she turned on her heel to see him leaning back against the wall, head
turned the way they came. Kylo let out a sigh.
"I didn't choose to come here, if that's what you think."
I didn't think you did.
She remained silent, regarding him intently. He looked a bit different than she
remembered: a little taller, a little thinner. His skin was almost translucent,
showing off faint lines of veining on the skin she was able to see. His
knuckles seemed raw and were peppered with fading bruises.
"Did you get into a fight?" She asked softly, leaning back against the office
door. He flinched. Digging his hands into his pockets, he turned slightly to
look at her.
"What does it matter?," he growled.
Rey couldn’t quite place her anger at first. It just boiled over her edges and
she couldn’t name the source.
“You’re so childish.” She spat at him, crossing her arms. Her nails bit into
the flesh of her arm. He looked startled, as if he had never thought her to say
anything like that in response. It only added to her rage. “I’m sure he’s gone,
so just go. Don’t even come back. They can put you somewhere
else. Anywhere else.” The words fell from her mouth and she knew she didn’t
mean them, but she wanted them to hurt.
He seemed agitated, even more so than he was before. Then, almost in a flash of
inspiration, he broke into a grin. Her heart thudded.
“Maybe while I’m at it, I’ll tell them why I don’t want to be here. I’m sure
they’d be interested to know.”
What a low blow.
“And who do you think they would believe?” She retorted. His smirk fell.
Bingo.
The sound of his head smacking onto the wall behind him was jarring, but she
stood her ground, trying to glare him into further submission. The moment
stretched on; an awkward silence extending between the two. His eyes bore into
the wall directly ahead of him. He almost didn’t blink.
“Why didn’t you come back?”
It finally bubbled out of her when her nails dug in deep enough.
It hurt.
It hurt like when he didn’t come back. When she had to reshelf all his books.
When she watched the doors, but he was never there.
Rey was used to pain, but this was an ache in her chest that she'd never had
before. It was something she couldn’t fix with aspirin or a bandage. It didn’t
fade after time; she just grew used to it.
He said nothing, but still she waited for any indication that he might say
something. That he would tell her why he left her there to be alone again.
But it didn’t come.
She pushed herself off the door behind her and started for her desk. Her mind
was a blurry mess overcast by her closeness to him.
Don’t think about him again.
He won't answer you.
He's just like everyone el-
Her thoughts were cut short. She blinked when her back hit the hallway wall.
Kylo towered over her, leaning one arm on the wall beside her. Rey’s knees felt
like rubber.
“Did you want me to come back?,” His head dipped down. His eyes flickered over
her face like he was searching for the answer himself. She took in a breath,
but her lungs were on fire. He leaned closer and waited while she floundered to
answer.  She felt the press of his free hand smooth down her back before coming
to stop on her waist. She shuttered.
“Yes,” she finally answered. It was so quiet, if he hadn’t been so close, he
wouldn’t have been able to hear. But he did.
He pressed his lips to hers, tentatively. She could feel his hand tremble.
Maybe I should stop him.
But this is what she dreamed of nearly every night since she met him. She wound
her hand through his hair, pulling him closer. The grip on her waist followed
suit.
She couldn’t say what it was about him that made her like this.
I don’t even really know him.
 She slanted her mouth over his, trying to take more from him. She felt like
she needed more. Her teeth grazed along his bottom lip and he groaned. The
sound rocked down to her core. She was hooked.
===============================================================================
 
He left looking a mess, flustered with swollen lips. Rey didn’t want to stop-
We could go in the office and do whatever he wants.
But he was only scheduled to be at the library for so long.
“I’ll text you,” Kylo told her before heading outside, a small smirk playing at
the corner of his mouth. It gave her butterflies.
As she sat at her desk, watching the digital clock on the computer tick by, she
thought she should feel something.
Guilt.
Regret.
Something that seemed like a normal response to this situation. Instead, her
thoughts drifted in the opposite direction.
Was I his first kiss?
Will I be his first, well, everything?
Her heart quickened, building back up the fire that had only just began to
quell when he left. She heard her phone vibrate on the desk. She snatched it
quickly eyes scanning the screen.
‘Can I see you later?’ he asked. Uncertainty flooded her as she weighed her
options.
If I say no, will he not come back again?
Why would I say no anyway?
She typed out a few messages and deleted them before settling on just sending
her address. She added that he could come anytime after 7. He left her on read.
***** I Want (to use) Somebody (like you). *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
When Rey told him "anytime after 7", in her mind, she meant 7. That would be
just enough time for her to rush home after work, determined to make sure her
apartment looked good. Well, as good as it could.

But after the apartment was spotless, all her dirty dishes hidden in the
dishwasher and all her clothes piled into her closet, 7 came and went.
So did 8.
And 9.
Maybe he changed his mind

Rey fell asleep on her couch a little after 11, clutching her phone.
===============================================================================

A knock on her door jolted her awake, sending her phone skidding to the floor.
She glanced at it before hoisting herself off of the couch. 
2:12 AM
She was worried.
She cracked the front door hesitantly, nervous about what could be on the other
side. The light that escaped from her apartment illuminated one side of Kylo's
face as he stood in her doorway. She was momentarily relieved.
That was until she opened the door the rest of the way, letting more light
shine across him.
She locked up.
He was bloody. Something about him looked fragile in the way he clutched his
ribs and wobbled, but the state of his hands sent a cold panic through Rey.
Did he fucking kill someone?
It was an anxious stretch of seconds while her body fought the urge to slam the
door shut and lock it. Everything about this whole situation seemed to only get
worse as time went by.
He coughed hard, the force of it sent him shuffling for balance. She shuffled
forward to catch him.
She shut the door with him inside.
===============================================================================

She paced nervously in the living room while he was in the shower. They had
only spoken a few words.
"Is anything broken?"
"I don't think so."
"You need to get cleaned up."
She wasn't sure when she acquired the numbness to deal with these types of
situations calmly. Well, more calmly than she expected.

Its like that night with dad-
She stopped pacing.
No.
Don't even go there.

She busied herself looking for bandages and then anything that could act as a
bandage when she realized she barely had any. She had never felt so unprepared.

How do you fucking prepare for this?

She slammed cabinet doors shut and rummaged through drawers, only stopping when
she heard her old wooden floor creak. She clutched onto what she had found,
fingers pressing into the cloth.

He stood in doorway to her kitchen, hair still slightly dripping water. He wore
the only she had that would fit: old, worn sweatpants and an oversized shirt
she used to sleep in. She couldn't help the butterflies in her stomach.

Now that the blood was gone, she could see the bruises that covered him. They
were blue and purple, surrounded by red splotching. One eyebrow drooped
slightly from swelling. His lip was split. The way he stood, however, made her
think he didn't have anything majorly wrong.

Or he's good at hiding it.

Her mouth fell into a thin line, determined to keep what she wanted to say to
herself.
You're an idiot.
What are you doing to yourself?

"Rey." His voice was quiet, but sounded like he swallowed gravel.
Maybe he did.

She just shook her head and approached him, bandages in hand. The only part of
him that still looked as though it could bleed again was his knuckles. They
looked like he had dragged them along pavement. She carefully wrapped what
little she had around them. When she was done, she stepped away. She tried to
distance herself from him, for both their sake.

"I don't know what's going on, but we can't- I can't do this."  Doubt wound its
way into her words. He clinched his fists. She could hear the joints pop and
watched as he ground his teeth. She knew at least that had to hurt, but he
stayed silent. So they stood there, eyes glued onto one another. Rey's anger
drifted away with the seconds, with the way his eyes seemed to water.

She sighed, looking to the clock on the stove.
3:04 AM

I still have to go to work in the morning.
 
"I'm going to bed." She said unceremoniously, brushing past him and flipping
the lights out. She didn't hear him make a move as she walked down the hall to
her bedroom, but she wasn't even sure what she expected.  In a moment of
hesitation, she paused before turning the handle to her door. Something ate
away at her until the words fell from her mouth.

"You can come too."
===============================================================================
 
She strained her ears to try and listen for footsteps while she brushed her
teeth. It was much harder than she though it would be and ultimately proved
unreliable. He was in her bedroom, standing just inside the door frame when she
left the conjoined bathroom. Her heart beat sped up.

"I can sleep on the couch," he nearly blurted, eyes falling to the ground
instead of meeting hers. Color crept across his face and she repressed a smile.

"You can sleep in here, I'll take the couch. You need all the rest you can
get," she told him, grabbing a spare blanket off of her bed before making her
way to the door.  "Try and get some rest."

He flipped off the light switch and moved to stand in the doorway, blocking her
way out. Something on him popped sickly at his sudden movement. She sucked in a
breath and waited.

For what, she wasn't sure.

When her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could faintly make him out by the
street light filtering in from her window.He was still, fixated on the ground,
looking lost in thought.  

Her hand moved of its own accord, brushing along his wrist. He looked to her.

"Whatever it is, just forget about it for now."  She whispered like she was
afraid to hear herself.

He closed the distance between them, hands settling along her waist. He leaned
down to place a ghosting kiss along her cheek. She heard him take in a shaking
breath.

She wasn't sure where she could touch, what would hurt and what wouldn't, so
she stood still while her heart raced. His mouth trailed down, along the corner
of her mouth, along her jaw, to the softness of her neck. She was sure her
knees would give out. But they didn't, even when she felt the sharpness of
teeth. A gasp left her mouth before she could stop it. His hands tightened
around her, pulling her closer before biting down harder on the expanse of her
neck.

It was already feeling like too much, like she had never done this before. The
wet heat between her legs was overwhelming, as if she was already so close. She
tried to form a coherent thought, to keep herself from going over the edge, but
his breathing in her ear, the bluntness of his nails into her hips, it couldn't
be stopped.

The only place she thought it would be safe to dig her fingers in was his hair.
She probably pulled a bit too hard, but the only thing she could focus on was
wave after wave rocking through her harshly. He didn't seem to mind.

"Fuck" was the only thing Rey stammered out, trying to catch her breath. She
felt boneless.

Even in the darkness, Kylo's smirk was easy to see when he pulled away from
her. She wanted to wipe it off his face. She lifted her hands to touch him, to
dig into him, but hesitated before making contact. He grabbed her hands before
she withdrew them, bringing them to his chest.

"Just touch me."

With that, she was clamoring for any semblance of breathing. Air escaped her
and she couldn't be bothered to try and get it back. Not while her mouth was
against his. Not while her nails pressed into him under his shirt. She pulled
him towards her while she walked back towards her bed. When he got on top of
the bed, she got on top of him. She pulled his shirt off over his head and
pushed him down. His eyes were wide as she stripped hers off. She smirked.

She unhooked her bra with ease, sliding the straps off her shoulders. His hands
were on her immediately, skimming up her sides. Pressing herself down flush
against him, her mouth found his neck. Threading fingers through his hair, she
roughly pulled his head to one side and dragged her teeth down his neck. A
groan ripped through his chest and Rey wanted nothing more than to hear that
again.

It was a blur. Her body moved on autopilot and she couldn't complain. She
didn't want to think about anything but him. Especially when he yanked down her
pants down just enough to get his hand in. She wasn't sure who was the louder
one between the two of them. She sat up, placing her hands on his chest to get
better leverage and ground her hips against his fingers. Inexperience and all,
he watched her with a parted mouth, trying to figure out what she liked best.
Rey threw her head back.

She couldn't wait anymore and the way his breathing was ragged, she didn't
think he could either. The sting of nervousness ran through her as she pulled
off what clothing she had left on. He roughly pulled her back to him, crushing
his mouth against hers. Any doubts she had were left behind.

He actually winced when he tried to help her pull off his pants. Her hands
froze.

"Don't look at me like that." he told her. His voice was low and pulled tight.
She didn't realize her eyebrows were knitted so hard together.

His pants were down enough for Rey to pull him out. He throbbed against her
hand. For a moment, she couldn't believe this was happening.

She sank down onto him easily. It wasn't clear to her whether he was quiet or
if she just couldn't hear over the blood rushing in her head. His eyes were
fixated onto her as she moved. His hands dug into the softness of her hips,
trying to get her to slow her pace. So she did, even as eveything in her told
her to not to. She settled to a soft rocking that broke him all the same.

"Rey."

It was soft, like the way his eyes met hers. Like the way her hands roamed over
his chest, welts and all.

She had never come so hard in her life.
Chapter End Notes
     If you need me, I'll be chillin in hell.
***** Collapse *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It was hard for Rey to get out of bed. She was used to lack of sleep making her
want to sink back into the covers, not someone holding on to her. Not someone
groaning and shifting towards her. Not someone giving her a half-awake lazy
smile before falling back asleep. It set her stomach into knots.

She wasn't used to this at all.
===============================================================================
The brightness of the windows finally woke Kylo. In a moment of panic, his eyes
snapped open, trying to piece together where he was.

This isn't your room.

It was much too bright to be his room, where the curtains were constantly kept
closed. For a split moment, he worried he was in a hospital again.

But you hurt too much for that.

The hospital would have given him something for his pain, like they always did.
He didn't feel the telltale discomfort of an IV in his arm either.

Fighting against the inset pain, he sat up and blinked his eyes a few times to
help them adjust. The ache in every inch of him jogged his memory.

You were late.

You took a shower and wore her clothes.

She took them off.

A smile crept across his lips at the realization.

She wanted you.

But it was fleeting. The nagging thoughts he always had clawed their way back
up.

She's going to find out about you.

She's going to figure out who you are, what you did, and you will lose her.

It's all your fault.

If he could have made a fist, he would have, but he could barely move his
fingers. That was decidedly worse than the pain he had braced for. The claws
lodged in his thoughts were replaced with hot spikes of terror, pure and
volatile.

If I can't fight back-

His small world seemed to constrict upon him. It was suffocating. His limbs
were reduced to painful tremors. The tightness in his chest was overwhelming.
He was sure he was going to pass out. He began reciting what he always relied
on to try and stave off the ensuing panic.

The Andromeda Galaxy is 2.5 million light years away. One light year is 9.5
trillion kilometers, .301 parsecs. Luhman 16 is 6.5 light years away. That's 2
parsecs. Proxima Centauri is just 4.2 light years away, only 1.3 parsecs-

He continued until his breathing calmed enough for him to take even breaths,
pulling him from the cliff side he didn't want to fall over. Especially not
here.

His eyes scanned the room, taking in the everything that seemed just so "Rey".
She had two bookshelves along one wall of the small room and they were both
crammed full, with books overflowing into neat piles alongside the floor of the
shelves. The titles ranged from popular fiction to textbooks on psychology. The
majority of the books looked well-worn, with annotated pages and bookmarks. His
eyes continued to wander the room and the nightstand by the bed caught his eye.
In particular, pill bottles littered the tabletop along with a hand written
note. Kylo fought the stiffness in his arm and reached for the message.

I don't know how you'll feel when you wake up, but this is all the pain
medication I have (in case you're allergic to something in particular). If you
need something else, just call me if you're still here when I get home and I'll
bring it when I get off. I hope you feel better.

P.S The only thing I really have to eat in the house is waffles.

Her handwriting was a bold cursive that in certain instances was difficult to
read. It was entirely different than his own, which was decidedly plain and
nearly all capitalized. It made what she wrote even that much more endearing.

And he loved waffles.
===============================================================================
He was sure he had never been in this much pain in his whole life. Even if he
did have worse injuries, he had taken medication preemptively and had never
truly felt the full effects of his fights.

I should have fucking killed him.

It was a thought that continually plagued him. An idea that, especially after
last night, seemed like something that was completely unavoidable.

He's going to kill you eventually. You have to beat him to it.

He ate the waffles at her couch since she didn't have a table to sit at. His
jaw protested with every chew. With every bite, he became more bitter. More
determined.

Rey won't matter when you're dead.

That was enough to cement his resolve.
===============================================================================
He picked up her most worn book off the shelf and sat on the couch to pass the
time. It was a children's chapter book with a cover so worn it was hard to
read. She had a sticky note on nearly every page, each with a hastily written
thought on the significance of a certain passage. It was much more analytical
than Kylo would ever have thought of a children's book

As he continued to read through the book and her notes, he stumbled across the
only instance where Rey had actually marked the page itself. She had
highlighted:

""There's_a_but,_isn't_there?"
"I_can_feel_it._Like_a_rain_cloud."

It gave him pause.

Was it worse to know the rain cloud was there?

Or to be surprised when the drops finally fell?

I have to tell her.
And so he waited.
Chapter End Notes
     I can't let anything be happy for long. Thanks for all your feedback!
***** If He Likes It, Let Him Do Anything. *****
Chapter Notes
     Yoooooooooooo. I've been productive
See the end of the chapter for more notes
She wasn’t sure what she had expected when she got home. She was nearly certain
he’d be gone, or maybe in so much pain he would still be in bed. Either way, he
hadn’t messaged her. She didn’t text him either.
Stepping inside, Rey saw that Kylo was sitting on her couch. He looked worse
than he did yesterday. The swelling was much more prominent. His bruises had
substantially darkened in color. She met his eyes as he looked up from the book
in his hands. She recognized it immediately.
My favorite book.
If that wasn’t surprising enough, there was something in his face that set her
on edge. It swung on hinges between worry and anger. She stood awkwardly by the
doorframe trying to figure out what to say but everything caught in her throat.
“You write a lot in your books. Why?,” he asked, speaking first. The way he
said it made the words come out almost clipped and hesitant. He still held the
book open, like he would start reading again just as soon as she answered him.
She could feel her face heating at his question.
“I just do?,” she told him. Irritation flooded her words even if she hadn’t
meant it to.
That’s the first things he says to me?
His eyes widened at her response just enough for her to notice, just enough for
her to feel bad at the way his brows bowed upwards. She wasn’t sure how to
answer the question. Well she did know, but it was hard to admit. Especially
out loud.
“It’s a way to gauge myself and see if I’ve changed. I reread my notes and see
if I feel the same.”
“So, you change your mind a lot?”
“No.”
===============================================================================

It was weird. There was absolutely no way around it. She felt like was walking
on eggshells in her own house, around someone she barely knew.
But you’ve fucked, so there’s that.
And even though she didn’t know him as well as she wanted, she knew something
was off, and it made her anxious. She sat on the couch next to him (but not too
close) pretending to be engrossed in her phone. She was keenly aware of how he
hadn’t flipped a page in a few minutes. Aware of the sensation of being watched
that sent her hair standing on end. It made her heart pound as the moments
stretched on. She resolved to continue to scroll through her newsfeed.
Eventually he broke his silence, giving up the façade of reading. He placed the
book down and used his now free hand to graze along her jaw, fingertips
ghosting along her skin.
“I’m not good at this. ‘I missed you’ doesn’t sound right coming from me.”
She fought the urge to smile as butterflies fluttered through her. She kept her
face as passive and even as she could. Even as her chest was on fire, she
continued to mindlessly scroll on her phone.
“You could try.” Something about that must have bothered him. He jerked his
hand back and she stole a glance at him. He was fixated on the floor, one of
his consistent tells.
He’s almost as bad as me.
“’One day I’ll find my real parents. The one’s I have now have to be my other
parents. I’ll find a cat and we’ll all be happy.’”
She flinched at her own words, the ones she had written when she was young and
first stole the book from the library. The same library she worked in
now.‘We’re not buying you a damn book, Rey’ her parents had told her, even when
she cried and told them how much she wanted to read it. She remembered checking
all the doors in the house until she was 14, hoping one day she would pull one
open and see something new. But there never was anything strange or out of
place behind them. She still dreamt of having buttons for eyes and trying to
rip them out.
“Did you ever find them?” His tone was flat. It wasn’t sarcastic like she
always thought it would be when someone found her elementary scribbles.
“Of course not.”
“Do you still look for them?”
She paused, locking her phone screen. It was hard for Rey to tell if he was
being serious or not. She gave him the benefit of the doubt.
“Sometimes.” She still found herself checking the doors of her house even now,
albeit not as much as when she was younger, and not as much as when she first
moved in.
He snuck a look up at her before dropping his head back down to the floor.
“I can help you look.”
She had only felt this stupid a handful of times before.
Remember when you thought for sure Poe was sending the love letters to your
locker. Remember when you found out it was Finn.
That still gave her goosebumps of embarrassment and sent her stomach churning.
Her protests fell on deaf ears when he turned off all the lights and grabbed
her hand. In silence, he led her through the house, opening door after door
just slightly enough to make sure they led to the same places that they always
had. He even checked the closets and the door to her near-empty pantry.
To Rey, it was absolutely ridiculous to even be going the motions of checking
for-
My “real” fucking parents?
Parents better than the ones who left me alone.
Better than the ones who would rather go drinking than come to anything that
was important to me. 
Nonetheless, she wound her fingers through his and told him to check the
cupboards too. He nodded slightly
===============================================================================
When the last door shut with nothing to be found, they were in the kitchen. His
hand lingered on the closed cabinet door, seemingly lost in thought. Rey
loosened her grip on his other hand.
You didn’t ask him if he’s okay.
You didn’t ask him if he needs to go home.
He turned to look at her, opening his mouth to say something but clamping it
back shut almost immediately. It didn’t help her worrying. After a moment of
brief stillness, his hands were on her, his mouth was on hers. He pushed her up
against the counter. The hard edge of the surface bit into her back as he
slanted his mouth over hers, trying to get more. A coil in her started to
tighten and Rey wanted to give him anything he wanted. He pressed his fingers
into the skin just under the hem of her shirt. As she sunk her teeth into his
bottom lip, a groan ripped through him. She immediately jerked back thinking
she had hurt him. She had, or at least she figured she did. The split in his
lip had reopened, glistening where the blood began to well at the surface. She
started an apology of how she had forgotten but he cut her off, hoisting her
onto the countertop.
Her breath caught from the way his gaze on her seemed feral. His hands dug into
the flesh of her thighs before pushing her knees apart to make room for himself
between her legs. She stifled a gasp when she was jolted forward, his hands
gripping her backside to pull her as close to him as he could get her. The
crushing force between the two of them bordered on painful even for Rey. From
the way he held her tight against him, it was like it wasn’t enough.
It was hard for her to think. It was hard for her to piece together what she
wanted to ask when his mouth was so insistent on hers. Every scrape of his
teeth wound her tighter. Something in the lingering copper taste of his lips
coupled with the persistent thought that it had to hurt him, even slightly, and
that he seemed to like it sent her head swimming. Every time she found just
enough determination to pull away, he moved his tongue just the way she loved
or he made a sound that tore through her and pushed out any thoughts she had of
ever stopping. But when his fingers hooked into the loops of her jeans and
tugged it snapped her out of it.
If you don’t ask, you’re going to regret it.
Her hand pushed against his chest trying to gain distance from him. He
responded by knocking her hand away and pulling her flush against him. His lips
tried to chase away anything she was trying to say, but she pushed again. This
time much harder. Even with his face flushed, his face still held a worried
expression.
“What’s wrong?” Her voice sounded small and out of breath, which she was. He
only blinked at her a few times before trying to close the space between them.
Rey held him away firmly with her hand still on his chest. She would not
waiver.
He stood for a moment searching her face, like she had the answer written there
and he just had to read it. When he looked like he realized it wasn’t there,
and she watched him try to think of what to say.
“You don’t change your mind.” It was between a question and a statement, a very
fine line that threatened to fall either way.
“No,” She told him again. Her heart felt heavy in her chest and seemed to be
falling with every passing second. She let her hand drop with it.
“You won’t change your mind about me?” This time it was a question. His voice
waivered and sounded smaller than her. He wouldn’t look at her.
“Whatever it is, I won’t change my mind.” Her palm cupped his cheek, urging him
to look at her. He did and it broke her.
“My name is Ben.”
 
Chapter End Notes
     Spotify playlist (spoilers because I update the songs before the
     work) https://spoti.fi/2HWoTqA
     See ya, space cowboys
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