Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/3523565. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage Category: F/M, M/M Fandom: Marvel_Cinematic_Universe, The_Avengers_(Marvel)_-_All_Media_Types, Captain_America_-_All_Media_Types, The_Avengers_(Marvel_Movies), Iron_Man (Movies), Iron_Man_-_All_Media_Types, Iron_Man_(Comic), Captain_America_ (Movies), Captain_America_(Comics), Agent_Carter_(TV), Thor_(Movies), Thor_-_All_Media_Types, Thor_(Comics) Relationship: James_"Bucky"_Barnes/Steve_Rogers, Pepper_Potts/Tony_Stark, Natasha Romanov/Sam_Wilson, Peggy_Carter/Steve_Rogers, Peggy_Carter/Howard_Stark, Peggy_Carter/Daniel_Sousa, Wanda_Maximoff/Vision Character: Steve_Rogers, James_"Bucky"_Barnes, Thor_(Marvel), Natasha_Romanov, Clint Barton, Tony_Stark, Pepper_Potts, Loki_(Marvel), Bruce_Banner, Jarvis_ (Iron_Man_movies), Stephen_Strange, Wade_Wilson, Peter_Parker, Pietro Maximoff, Wanda_Maximoff, Vision_(Marvel), Brock_Rumlow, Alexander Pierce, Arnim_Zola, Peggy_Carter, Howard_Stark, Howling_Commandos, Daniel Sousa, Edwin_Jarvis, Angie_Martinelli, Timothy_"Dum_Dum"_Dugan, James Montgomery_Falsworth, Jim_Morita, Jacques_Dernier, Aleksander_Lukin, Gabe Jones Additional Tags: Nightmares, Period-Typical_Homophobia, Homophobia, Self-Harm, Military Homophobia, Shameless_Smut, Angst, Fluff, Songfic, Song_Lyrics, Pre-Serum Steve_Rogers, Pre-Captain_America:_The_First_Avenger, Emotional/ Psychological_Abuse, Emotional_Manipulation, Physical_Abuse, Bucky_Barnes Feels, Steve_Rogers_Feels, Captain_America:_The_First_Avenger, Bucky Barnes_Recovering, Bucky_Barnes_Has_Issues, Artist_Steve_Rogers, Fluff and_Angst, Smut, Post-Avengers:_Age_of_Ultron_(Movie), Bisexual_Steve Rogers, Top_Steve_Rogers, Bottom_Bucky_Barnes, Secret_Relationship, Alternate_Universe_-_Canon_Divergence, Pietro_Maximoff_Lives, Post- Traumatic_Stress_Disorder_-_PTSD, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth_Issues, Past Sexual_Abuse, Sad_Ending, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending, it's_a_happy_ending cause_they_get_to_be_together_at_last_okay, Breathplay, Humiliation, Verbal_Humiliation, Rimming, Blow_Jobs, Voyeurism, Accidental_Voyeurism, Anal_Fingering, Fisting, Anal_Fisting, Anal, Anal_Sex, Romance, Pining, Mutual_Pining, Masturbation, Mutual_Masturbation, Love, Friendship/Love, Love_Bites, Neck_Kissing, ear_nibbling, Oral_Sex, Rough_Oral_Sex, Rough Sex, Forced, Romantic_Fluff, Romantic_Angst, Making_Love, Making_Out, Kissing, Boys_Kissing, Gentle_Sex, Gentle_Kissing, Steve_Rogers-centric, Dominance, Dominant_Steve_Rogers, Protective_Steve_Rogers, Possessive Steve, Past_Bucky_Barnes/Steve_Rogers, Bottom_Steve_Rogers, Steve_Needs_a Hug, Steve_Angst, Bucky_Barnes_Remembers, Hurt_Bucky_Barnes, Bucky_Barnes Needs_a_Hug, Top_Bucky_Barnes, Protective_Bucky_Barnes, Filthy, I'm_Going to_Hell, I_Will_Go_Down_With_This_Ship, Implied/Referenced_Rape/Non-con Series: Part 1 of Iris Stats: Published: 2015-03-11 Completed: 2015-12-26 Chapters: 33/33 Words: 118737 ****** Iris ****** by anusha Summary When Steve Rogers is reunited with a long lost friend in an unexpected way, he has to take matters into his own hand, and that means breaking every inch of virtue or kindness that he stands on to make sure that he can avenge what has been done onto his best friend and never lose him ever again. *I only reedited this fic a little. Ending is still the same, almost everything is still the same. Notes WARNING : Only chapter 30 is extremely explicit with vivid descriptions - this is were the breathplay and watersports tag apply, where Bucky gets tortured by Rumlow and his men. The other chapters are safe to read, as there are only mentions about what has been done to him. This is my first fic, and its un-betad, so forgive me for the errors. Do inform if if there are any mistakes and i'll correct them as fast as possible. There's non-con at chapter 30. Also, the main characters here are Steve and Bucky, because the plot practically revolves around them. The remaining characters are just minor characters or only appear in certain chapters. Links for the songs are marked with an x. Sometimes, you need to reload the link if the error thingy pops up. And I kinda scribbled out a little about why I chose the song for each chapter. I hope that you do take your time to read it up a little, cause it kinda makes things clearer a little more. :D Hope you enjoy the fic and the songs! And if you did, do leave kudos or comments xx See the end of the work for more notes ***** Chapter 1 ***** Chapter Summary Blood was oozing out of Tony’s nose. Thick, red, blood. It wasn’t unusual for Tony to get punched but Tony just wasn’t ready for being hit by someone he trusts. Tony could have punched him back but he knew that without his Iron Man armour he’d be dead meat within minutes. It took about a few minutes for Steve to actually realise what he had done. The crowd were watching them, waiting for someone to initiate the next move but nothing happened. Chapter Notes The first chapter is kinda slow, but I promise that it'll get better. Pinky promise. The song for this chapter would be Here without you by Three Doors Down. Here's the link. x See the end of the chapter for more notes I'm here without you, baby. But you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you, baby. And I dream about you all the time. Present day New York “ I thought you couldn't get drunk.” Steve could have recognized that voice from anywhere. It was just far too familiar for him. He made a small effortless smile but he didn't even look at the man. He felt a hand on his shoulder. It was a soft gesture, but he couldn't quite fathom the idea that a man, a man other than Bucky could have such a gentle touch upon his body. “ Yeah?” Steve turned to his left, where a slightly shorter-than-him man was seated beside him. “So, why are you here, then?” His unconventional facial hair and his lightly tanned skin were highlighted by the dim lighting of the light bulbs, something that differed from the rest of the crowd. “Tony, you can’t just go around asking why someone is at a bar.” “Firstly, this is America. I can do whatever the fuck I want to, and that includes asking anyone any sort of questions. Second,...” Steve wasn't listening anymore. He took the glass of whiskey and drank whatever was left in it. He slammed the glass down aggressively and turned back to look at Tony. Steve rolled his eyes, he was annoyed. He came here to have some time with himself and the last thing he needed was a member of the Stark family, who was well known for his recklessness, giving him advice about drinking. “ What do you want, Stark? ” He ended the last word like it was some kind of offensive, swear word. Steve didn't want to talk about his feelings or anything all that lingered around the same topic. It wasn't like Tony could understand or anything. Besides, Steve was used to keeping everything pent up like he used to. “ Steve, I- ” Tony paused. He didn't have the slightest clue of what to say or how to react to a pissed off Captain America. He was used to other side of The Cap. The side that always smiled the brightest, the side that didn't quite get the modern day jokes, the side that had such an admirable amount of leadership that would make even Hitler himself look so puny. “ Steve, why are you here actually? Is this about that time you almost got killed by the assassin? Cause, if this a mid life crisis where you start realizing your life was at the mercy of some unknown dude, believe me, I've been there....” "I knew him. I need to save him." "Pal, trust me, you don't want to know him and saving someone who tried killing you is the last thing that you would ever, ever, want to do. That guy got Fury off his hooks and shipped his own arse up to Europe, so I take that he must have been something so vicious and wild. A killing machine." “ His name is Bucky!” Steve yelled in a sudden fit of anger. The noisy and busy crowd in the bar suddenly went silent and looked towards the two men.Without any hesitation, Steve stood up, aimed a punch towards Tony's face and it hit right where Tony’s nose was situated. God, he wanted to do that all along, to give Stark what he deserved for talking about Bucky like that. It felt really good but then again, he wasn't sure why he had punched Tony, whether it was because of all those bothering thoughts that he had since the past few days after going through small part of Bucky’s file or whether it was because Tony was a douche. Either way, Stark had it coming. Blood was oozing out of Tony’s nose. Thick, red, blood. It wasn't unusual for Tony to get punched, but Tony just wasn't ready to be hit by someone he trusts. Tony could have punched him back, but he knew that without his Iron Man armor he’d be dead meat within minutes. It took the blonde about a few minutes to actually realize what he had done. The crowd were watching them, waiting for someone to initiate the next move, but nothing happened. “ I’m sorry, Tony. I- I didn't mean to- to hit you." There was sudden realization in Steve's eyes, and Tony had noticed that. Tony knows that Steve truly means the apology, because that's the person Steve is, and that there was no changing that.Tony wiped the blood with the sleeve of his grey, arm- covering-t shirt without looking right into Steve's eyes. Tony was wearing one of his favourite t-shirts and the patch of blood on the shirt just made it look awful. “ It’s okay.” Tony said nonchalantly, and crossed his hands after a small pause, addressing the next question that he was about to post to the crowd that were staring at them ever since Steve landed a punch to his face. "What are you guys looking at? Haven't you guys seen two friends(that's one of Tony's lies again) meeting up each other?” Tony didn’t quite like all the attention they were getting in the bar. Iron Man getting into a fight with some blonde dude? Bad publicity. Especially when some of the customers were already taking out their Smartphones and had begun recording the whole thing. “ Come here, big guy,” he hugged Steve, his palms patting against a shocked Steve Rogers. When they were close enough, he whispered to Steve to just act along. Steve then gave out a forced laugh and had hugged Tony back tightly. Tony was extremely satisfied when Steve had understood what he had meant. It was a good cover up, though, Tony thought to himself. “So, are you heading back or are you just gonna just sit here?” Steve asked. “ I just came. I’m not leaving until I get a shot or two.” Tony sat down again and requested the bartender for the highest quality of scotch that they had. Apparently, the best one they’ve got was probably the worst one that Tony has ever tasted. Then there was an awkward silence. “ I heard about Bucky.” Tony had corrected himself this time. He then continued, “ Was it true that he saved you from drowning? Well, after trying to kill you, that is.” “ I don’t know, Tony.” Steve had lied, of course. He remembers someone pulling him out of the water when he went down with the remaining ruins of S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters. He felt someone carrying him to the shore. And he certainly remembers a very frightened-looking man walking away from him. But Steve just wasn't sure. He wasn't ready to accept it. Not now at least. Steve took out a wallet and placed a few bills on the table. “ Drinks on me.” Tony would have rejected the offer, but he wasn't ready to headbutt all over again with an emotionally compromised soldier. He followed Steve's fast paced footsteps and tried to catch up with him. Occasionally he had to run a little so that he wouldn't be left behind. “So you’re spying on me, huh?” Tony looked down. His hands were fidgety and all sweaty now. Steve wasn't supposed to know about it. He had tried his best to keep a close eye on Steve without him noticing for months now, since the very day that S.H.I.E.L.D. was brought down. “ Sort of. I’m keeping an eye out for everyone who worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. The important ones.” “Natasha?” “ Her too. And she knows.” Tony had walked with Steve for about an hour when Steve reached the front door of his new place. Steve had to move out of the old one because he didn’t have a constant flow of money to pay the rentals, but he still got his salary from S.H.I.E.L.D. and all, but it wasn't worth much. They paid him and despite the medium wage, he could still afford a comfortable living in New York back then. He avoided his neighbour, or what she appeared to be, because she was still trying to rebuild S.H.I.E.L.D. with help from the clean agents, and she would have definitely gotten him back on their radar one way or another, maybe even change his mind about finding Bucky and convincing him to join S.H.I.E.L.D. Captain America was kinda broke. Economics was a bummer. Like it always has been. It was kinda pathetic actually, when you think of it. A nation’s hero left behind without any gratitude, but that was the reality. It happened to every single soldier that fights for his country. They were never truly appreciated. But Steve didn't want anything in return from the government. He just wanted to be left alone. “ So who’s the new guy?” Tony's read his file; Project Falcon. He knows everything about Sam but he just asked Steve for his respond, some thing like a conversation starter, so that he wouldn't feel alienated standing beside Steve. “Sam.” Sam had given a set of keys to Steve after he moved in with him. In a big city like New York, you couldn't trust anyone. Sam however, was different. Sam had his back, and practically, that was all that mattered for Steve. He trusted that guy. Steve opened the door. “Is it okay if I come in?” Tony asked. “Yeah, I think Sam wouldn't mind.” The house wasn't big. It was what you would call an average home fit for one man. Two was a crowd. Nonetheless, Sam took him in, even before Steve asked for his help. He offered to share everything with Steve. Sam knew what it was like to lose a close friend in the war. The worst part often came after the war, when it's over, when you had nothing to do or no one to rely on. It would have been nice if someone had the heart to ask how Sam was doing, or to simply just spend some time with him back then. If there's one thing that Sam has learnt from that, is he wouldn't want Steve to face all of this alone, like how he did when he lost Riley. Tony walked into the house bravely. The other man wasn't there as all the lights were switched off, except for one in the dining area. They probably kept that one switched on so that it wouldn't be too dark in the house. “Sam’s probably in the volunteer centre, and he’d be back within half an hour. You should meet him. He’s nice.” Tony nodded as he positioned himself onto one of the couch in the living room. It wasn't lavish like the ones that he has in his tower but it was comfortable and homely. The house was simple. It had soft blue tones for its walls, and the flooring was pleasant. If the home was anything, it was calming. It had a military aura that reeked of discipline, courage, strength. All those in which Tony finds himself lacking in. Steve sat down gently on the couch that was on Tony’s left. “So, what are you up to nowadays?” Tony asked. Steve remained silent. His mind was blank, his eyes were wide open and his lips were slightly apart from each other. He gave Tony a good stare, hoping that Tony would avoid that question. He didn’t know what to answer. Steve didn’t have a job nor did he participate in any side projects. Steve was doing nothing but constantly reminding himself about Bucky. In short, he was suffering. But he couldn't tell that to Tony now, could he? “Not much. Just sketching at times. Searching for a job. Looking for a place to stay.” Well, those were partially true. He had been doing all those things to keep himself occupied and busy, getting his mind off Bucky when the headaches and memories burn like fire from a candle. The job part was also true, as Steve often flicked through pages of advertising placed in newspapers. He did go for some interviews but well, he wasn't exactly tech savvy or well acquainted with modern day epistle. Sam was already kind to him and he didn’t want to burden Sam too much either. “You can stay with me, if you want to." Tony said. Steve didn't look like he agreed to that suggestion. His face had made a small frown in disapproval. Tony noticed it. "I've been renovating the Stark Tower to fit us, The Avengers. It’s almost done now. I was about to inform all of you anyway. We could be together, like a real team, you know." “ Not interested. Not after S.H.I.E.L.D.” “ Steve, come on. You’re a warrior. You don’t just laze around like bunny rabbits after having their lunch. You crave the fight. It’s in your nature. Besides, your friend could stay with us. Heard he got real close with Natasha. “ “ I don’t think it’s a good...” Keys clinked, and the door knob twisted, and then the door opened. He could hear footsteps. Sam was home early, his hands were carrying some packages of Chinese food. “It’s all I could find for the night, pal...” Sam stopped talking when he saw Tony. “Tony Stark? Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist? Iron man in my house?” He would have fainted but he was not gonna lose his cool over a friend of Steve. “ Nice to meet you, Mr...” Tony liked pretending like he was above everyone. Remembering names was for ordinary people and not for some big shot like him. But of course he knew every name that he read about, which was stored up somewhere in his memory. “ Wilson. Sam Wilson.” “ Yeah, Sam. As I was saying, nice to meet you pal.” “ The pleasure’s all mine. So what brings you here?” “ Well, I was asking Mr. Old Man over here to agree that the both of you would move into my tower. “ “ Of course, we would. Right Steve?” Sam answered immediately. You could tell the excitement in him just by looking at how his eyes rounded up huge and his huge teeth forming a bright smile. Steve just bent his head low. He didn't like where this was heading. Sam understood what that had meant. He could feel that Steve didn’t want to move in with Tony. He raised one of his eyebrows at Steve and pouted his mouth a little. Steve thought about it for a while. If he moved in, well if they moved in with Tony, Sam wouldn't have to struggle to make ends meet. Sam somehow deserved better. Food will be covered and the bills will be paid themselves. “Okay, Tony, We’ll move in if Sam agrees.” “You kidding me? I’m definitely in.” “Alright then! I’ll see you guys in the morning. I’ll get my movers” “Thank you very much Mr. Stark." Sam shook Tony's hand vigorously. “Please call me Tony. I insist.” Sam gave a smile that highlighted his pearly, white teeth. His smile was genuine and it was filled with gratitude. Honestly, Sam didn’t know how much longer was he going to survive if he kept on trying to support Steve and his one-man missions to find Bucky. He wasn’t going to tell Steve anyway, he didn’t have the selfishness in himself to do so. Tony waved goodbye. He was relieved that Sam had came home. Steve was in safe hands. At least Sam would look after Steve a little. A car had been waiting outside of the house for a while now. Tony had coordinated J.A.R.V.I.S earlier to send a mode of transportation to his current coordinates. The car was controlled by the A.I., and its new destination after picking up Tony was to go back to Stark Tower. Back in the house, both Sam and Steve had already went into their rooms to start packing for tomorrow after having their dinner. Sam didn't have much to pack. Most of his things were neatly tucked in boxes or packages. It was a habit of his to keep all his things neatly. It was easier when he had to look for anything. He would know where each item was located and he liked it how he didn't have to ransack his whole place when he wanted to find something. Steve wasn't struggling either. Not unlike Sam, he didn't have many things to call his own. He had a few art stuffs that he had bought earlier, with his own hard earned cash when he was working with S.H.I.E.L.D. but sadly, he never had the chance of using it. Too busy chasing bad guys, perhaps. He had a few personal belongings. And then he had the cursed file. Steve had hid it once. He didn't want to touch it anymore. He just wanted to avoid it. The file was pure evil. Sometimes, he regretted taking the file from Natasha. It wasn't her fault, actually. Steve had asked her for it. He wanted to know, he wanted to understand. His curiosity got the better of him, and well, he should have known that curiosity kills the cat. But he just couldn't continue going through the file. But even if he had the stomach to do it, it was fruitless too. It was written in German, Steve could understand a few words, here and there, but he couldn't read what was written. Some were in Russian. And that didn't help either. The pictures in the file were enough to make Steve throw the file across the room, sending fragments of paper flying like confetti in a parade. Sam had no idea about that incident. And even if he did, Sam was kind enough to not mention it. Steve packed the file with him anyway. He took it and tucked it in between his clothes when he had finished packing. Maybe Tony could help him translate the stuff in it. Tony was after all a genius, like Howard. Like father, like son. Maybe he just wasn’t gonna let anyone near the file. Maybe he just wanted to carry it with him, because that’s the only thing that was left of Bucky. Be it ugly or pretty, Steve didn't quite feel that it had mattered. Because everything that meant the world to him right now was to at least save what remained of Bucky. Chapter End Notes Whenever I hear this song, I keep having this thought that one of the lovers are alone and the lyrics are the haunting words that goes on in their minds. In this case, I'd have to say it's Steve. You guys can say hi at, stuckyisbae.tumblr.com. Thanks again for kudos and the comments. ***** Chapter 2 ***** Chapter Summary Steve’s cheeks were red, and that wasn’t just the reflection from the red fireworks. Steve's yes made their way to meet with the firce grey ones, soaking up every shimmer that had enchanted his heart and soul. Steve moved in closer until their noses were touching. His thin fingers of his right hand went up slowly against Bucky's cheek. He kissed Bucky on his lip Chapter Notes So here's Chapter 2. I promise this one is better than the first one. Finger's crossed. BTW, pictures of Pre-serum Steve just makes me go all squishy. Song for this chapter is For The First Time by the Script. x I love this song. Loved it when I first heard it on the radio and I still do love it now. Eeekkk!! See the end of the chapter for more notes We're smiling, but we're close to tears, Even after all these years, We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. July 4th, 1935 Brooklyn, New York Long masculine fingers had covered his beautiful blue eyes. Steve touched those fingers, anchored his fingers into the depths of the stranger’s, slowly pulling them down. “Buck?” The other man had slowly taken down his fingers in accordance to the pull of Steve’s fingers. He then lowered himself until his lips reached Steve’s ear. Steve could feel the breath of the man against his neck and his jaw line. It was a warm sensation, a beautiful one which Steve liked very much. ”Happy birthday Stevie.” Bucky whispered across his ears. Steve turned around and faced Bucky. His lips slightly brushing against the brunette's face, sending a line of moisture across his cheeks. “You remembered!” “I wouldn't forget it for the world, punk. Also, I’ve got something for you.” Bucky bent over to his right and picked up the beautifully wrapped red gift. It had blue and white ribbons on it. And if you were to shift it from left to right, you could see the red wrapper giving out a bright and sparkle-like illusion. “You shouldn’t have, we don’t have enough money. You didn't have to do this, not for me.” Steve was slightly unhappy with Bucky. He didn’t like how Bucky was spending most of his hard earned money for Steve. Bucky was already paying his school fees and providing meals for the both of them, often keeping their home stocked up with food. He didn’t want to make Bucky spend anymore for him. ”I want to make you happy. Go on, open it.” He pulled one end of the blue string and slowly, the knotted ribbon unraveled easily. Steve unwrapped the gift gently, tearing the wrapper in one straight line. He felt the cold lamina shaped metal box by running his hand over it. He pressed his fingertips against the bold and raised wording on the box. “Derwent’s High quality Artist Pastel. 72 soft and realistic colors.” Steve read it in his mind. “How much was it?” “They didn’t cost me much.” Bucky lied. He had asked his boss at the factory to pay him his three month salary early in advance, borrowed some money from the local loan sharks and had used up all his savings that he had. He didn’t have any money left. He’s gonna have to work overtime, work his ass off until late at night to cover up the money that he had owed. Or worst still, his boss would demand Bucky to let him do whatever he wanted with the brunette's body. Just like how he always did when Bucky needed the extra cash, when Stevie got slightly under the weather. He doesn't mind it though, because he knows he's not doing it because he wanted the money for hinself, but because he's doing it for Steve. “ You’re lying.” “This one just came in from the UK. The dame at the store gave me a special deal,” He winked cheekily at Steve. He didn’t want to dwell on the price of it anymore. If Steve knew how much it had cost, it was gonna make Steve feel all guilty. Steve will be worried of him and that could get Steve all pressured, over thinking and headaches, leading to fevers that gets Steve completely helpless. “Buck, you’ve gotta stop getting me all these gifts for my birthdays. It had already meant so much to me when you remembered it.” No one ever did pay any attention to Steve. No one would remember his birthday. No one cared for scrawny Steven Grant Rogers, except for his ma and Bucky. He understood the reason why his mother had loved him. He was her son. Her own flesh and blood. But Bucky? Steve had nothing to do with Bucky. Bucky could have picked anyone, but he chose Steve. He never quite understood why that was. Bucky was the apple of everyone’s eye. He did well in sports. He was top in class. If only Steve could sum the what Bucky was in one word, but he knew that he couldn’t. He searched for the word but never did actually find it. “Do you think they’ll refund your money if we returned this to them?” "Steve, please. It’s for you.” Bucky’s eyes were all teared up. He felt like he was stabbed by some sharp shattered glass right in his heart. His voice didn't break but you could hear that it was strained to the point you could almost hear a subtle choke. Steve saw how frustrated Bucky looked. Steve hadn’t mean to hurt Bucky’s feelings. He cared for Bucky just as much Bucky had cared for him. And being in art school, he knew that these art supplies don’t come easily. They’re bloody expensive. They would literally cost you an arm and a leg and by looking at Bucky’s perfect limbs -not missing any of his body parts- he could only imagine the amount of money that Bucky had paid. Steve gave Bucky a hug. His thin hands flung across Bucky’s back. His frail body couldn’t even cover half of Bucky’s torso. Steve felt embarrassed at how small he was compared to Bucky. Bucky was shocked at first, but he slowly returned the hug. He clutched the younger man tightly and only stopped when he realised that Steve was gonna have difficulties in breathing if he doesn’t loosen up his grip. “Steve, there’s something else I want to show you too.” “No, not again. Not another of these gifts.” Steve shook his head, he was troubled internally. Not that Steve didn’t like the pastel that Bucky had given him, in fact, he loved it to bits, but he just wasn’t ready to find out that Bucky sold his soul to some demon so that he could afford another gift for Steve. “We’re going out tonight. Somewhere special.” ~ There was a sweet aroma that came from the kitchen. Steve woke up from his slumber that lasted about two hours, only to wonder where Bucky was. He pushed the blanket away with a struggle and then he tried moving his aching body from the bed that he had slept on. The bed was an old one. Steve had been using the same bed since he was a kid. His family could only afford one and being the only child, his parents had let him sleep on it. Steve’s ma had slept on it when she was ill and that was the only time she ever did. She used to sleep on the cold hard floor, on a mat. When he was little, he would pull her towards the bed. He didn’t like watching his mother sacrificing her comfort for her son. But being the mother that she was, she was somehow able to assure her little boy that she loved to sleep like that on the floor. Steve remebered when Sarah Rogers went for a night shift, Bucky would camp in and take care of Steve. And when ma died, Bucky had taken over her role on a full time basis. Bucky had taken care of Steve when he was ill, or when he was beaten up by some mean bully. It was also Bucky who paid for all of funeral expenses for Steve’s mom. Bucky felt like it was his responsibility to make sure that everything went right in Steve’s life. Kinda like an overprotective big brother that took on the role of an absent father, you know. He had taught Steve how to do all the manly stuff, like shaving and how to talk to those pretty ladies in the counter, working as cashiers or talking to the girls that worked in the cafes and bakeries. Bucky was a natural at that kind of stuff. He knew how to do everything, and could sweep people off their feet if he wanted to. And that was the way Steve looked at Bucky, like he was perfect. Steve followed the trail of the appetising scent that had lead him to the kitchen. He saw Bucky in his white singlet and black shorts. He had an apron tied around his waist. Bucky was rocking his right arm to and fro, with his palm carefully placed on the handle of the pan. Steve pulled a chair from the dining table, slowly and placed his body on it without making any noise. Bucky hadn’t notice him. Steve had put his hands on the table. He then positioned his head between his hands and continued to look at Bucky. To eye the way that Bucky had swayed from left to right while humming some soft tunes, made Steve feel very happy. Twenty minutes had passed when Bucky finally noticed Steve’s presence. “How long have you been awake?” Bucky asked. “Nearly half an hour now.” Bucky walked towards him with one bowl on his right arm and another one on his left. He put the left one in front of Steve. The other one was placed on the opposite direction, facing Steve. “Tomato soup?” Steve looked at the bowl, beaming by the fact that they actually had something for dinner. “That’s all that I could whip up for the day, Steve.” “It's great” “It's nothing much, Stevie. Hope you like it.” Steve always took a longer time when it came to eating. He had difficulties swallowing the food. He felt like the bolus of food was going to be stuck in his throat forever and that would cause him to feel nauseous, wanting to puke out what he ate. But soup was good. It was soft and it was always an ease for him when Bucky cooks, because Bucky knew what he could and couldn’t eat, should and shouldn’t eat, like and disliked to eat. He knew Steve way better that Steve knew himself. “Remember that I told you that I was going to show you something special tonight?” “Yeah?” “Get dressed. We’re heading somewhere.” “ Where to?” “Now that is a secret." Bucky let out a small laughter right after saying that. “I’m gonna shower. And I’ll be waiting for you if I’m done earlier.” Steve had trouble finding the right thing to wear. He didn’t know where they were heading to or whether the thing he was about to put on was going to be suitable. He could just wear his suit, put on a matching tie with it. But what if that was too much? On the other hand, just wearing overalls or putting on a singlet under his old trench coat seemed so inadequate. At the end of the day, nothing beats a suit, does it? Steve could still hear the sound of water gushing from the shower when he sat down by the couch. Bucky was still bathing. That was an extremely long time to shower, especially for someone like Bucky, Steve thought to himself. Bucky was busy scrubbing out every single dirt and grease on his skin. He wanted to look clean and presentable. There was an old, broken mirror on the bathroom wall and Bucky fixated his eyes onto the reflection of himself. His body had scars. Round cigar burnt marks that made his body look hideous. He wasn’t going to think about it now, not when it could make him sad, or worst, make him all teary eyed. Especially not today, not on Steve’s birthday. “What’s taking him so long?” He thought to himself as he crossed his arms, and kept on tapping his foot on the floor. "Steve?” “Speak of the devil, Buck! I was just thinking about how long you…” Hepaused when he turned his head to look at Bucky. His jaw clenched a little, eyes widened at the sight of the older man. Bucky wasn’t handsome in the dark blue suit. He was, what you would call, beautiful. Grace. ”How do I look, punk?” ”You look like you’re gonna get laid by some innocent chick.” A small chuckle accompanied Steve’s words. ”Why you little punk...” he joined Steve’s laughter. "Besides, all girls are beautiful after the lights are switched off. Shakespeare.” He paused for a while after laughing again. “You don’t look bad yourself, Steve.” “Thanks.” Steve honestly felt that Bucky didn’t mean it. He felt that Bucky was just trying to cheer him up. Bucky's always pampering him with sweet little words, even if Steve feels that it's the furthest thing from the truth. But Bucky always looked so genuine when he said all those compliments, like as if he really meant it, as if it wasn't just a part of his usual sarcasm. “Are you coming or what?” “Yeah.” Steve and Bucky had walked from their place for quite some time before reaching their destination. There was a huge crowd gathering at the stadium. There was an elderly man who looked like he was in charge of the whole gig. “Sir, have you got any tickets left to check out the fireworks for the night?” “I’m sorry there sonny, tickets were sold out long ago. Didn’t you hear the news? They sold the tickets early this year.” “Aw, I wanted to take my little brother over here to watch the fireworks, live.” Bucky said as he ruffled Steve’s neatly combed hair. “It’s his birthday today, and I was hoping that I got the tickets. But it's okay. Thank you, sir.” Bucky was disappointed. All these while he could never bring Steve to watch the fireworks during his birthday and now that this is the only time that he’s free, there aren’t any more tickets. Time and timing were absolute fuckers, he thought to himself. “Happy birthday young man. You should be proud to be born on this day. We think of July 4, 1776, as a day that represents the Declaration of Independence and the birth of the United States of America as an independent nation. It’s our independence day, son.” The elderly man continued. His eyes squinting, accompanying the smile on his wrinkled face. “I AM proud, sir. And one day, I’m going to join our brothers in the army, to fight for this country.” The old man smiled. His face was sympathetic though. He felt that the little kid didn’t quite understand what happened to menBuckyar. Oh, the horrors. “Say what, I’ll tell you boys something. If you walk across the Ramsey forest and walk straight ahead and turn left before reaching out to the docking yard, you guys can have a clear view of the fireworks. Don’t tell anyone else alright?” The man continued cheekily. Bucky’s face instantly lit up like a boy who got his presents on Christmas morning, when all the other kids had coals in their stockings. The extremity of his gratitude had found no limits. “I can’t thank you enough sir. You don’t know how much it means for me. And my brother of course. We’ve never seen ‘em fireworks before.” “Glad I could make someone’s wish come true. And glad enough to know someone who’s willing to sacrifice themselves for their country.” He looked at Bucky, and then at Steve and gave a small smile that approved of Steve’s words. The forest was horrible and stupid. It had trees and shrubs, everything on the ground was pointy, sharp and bruising. Every step Steve took would scratch his hand or poke through right enough into his black suit and hurt his skin. He hated how it had hurt him. Bucky noticed how Steve was struggling to get himself through all the bushes. He felt that he owed Steve an apology for asking him suffer so much on his birthday. If only he'd known about he tickets earlier, Steve wouldn't have to suffer like this. Bucky didn’t talk much to anyone and he rarely joins chatting with the crowd, too. It wouldn’t be impossible if he missed out on the news. I promise you Steve, it’ll be worth every single thing, once we reach to the other side Bucky didn’t say it out loud but those words ran over his mind like a million times, every single moment when Steve cried out in pain or when he tried to deflect the twigs from poking his face or his torso. “How much further do we have to walk?” “Just a little bit more, Stevie.” And when they finally got to the place that the old man had mentioned, they had to find a spot to sit down and to watch the whole view. Bucky sat on the cold grass. He could feel the coldness against his rear, the dew on the grass wetting his suit. Steve did the exact same and gave out a small cry when he felt the damp and moist texture on his skin. It was like placing your bare self onto cold marble, for Steve. His body was always so sensitive when it came to his sensory feelings. They had to wait for about ten to fifteen minutes for the fireworks to get started. And once it did, it was remarkable. Different tones of colour filled the sky. It was difficult to swallow the fact that fire and metal combined can create something so beautiful. Yellow. Purple. Green. Red. Blue. White. The cycle of colors repeated and continued themselves. Steve had already curled up beside Bucky. It was just too cold and Bucky was the only thing radiating heat at the moment. He had laid his head on Bucky’s shoulders. Only the both of them were there and no one could say anything about how close they were sitting beside each other. No one to judge or stare at them. Just the two of them, against the world that was ahead of them. Both Steve and Bucky could agree that the last three colors made a better combination in the sky. Those colors were bright, and looked even brighter since the sky was already dark. Bucky had turned around to look at Steve. He wanted to catch the expression on Steve’s face. He was watching Steve smiling with his lips slightly ajar, allowing the reflections of the fireworks to be prominently reflected upon his cheeks to be seen clearly by the brunette when Steve suddenly turned to face him. It was just too close. Steve was already staring straight into Bucky’s eye. Steve noticed how Bucky was biting his lower lip so subtly, that it was barely noticeable. You would only realize him doing that if you observed from a very close distance. Steve’s cheeks were red, and that wasn’t just the reflection from the red fireworks. Steve's eyes made their way to meet with the fierce grey ones, soaking up every shimmer that had enchanted his heart and soul. Steve moved in closer until their noses were touching. His thin fingers of his right hand went up slowly against Bucky's cheek. He kissed Bucky on his lip. Bucky was shocked. Bucky had kissed girls before, but never has anyone had else made the first move onto him, and certainly not a boy. But, that didn’t stop him from kissing Steve back when the blonde tried pull himself back further from Bucky. It felt so wrong. Bucky was supposed to push Steve away. Bucky wasn’t supposed to return the kiss. It wasn’t right but Steve loved the way how Bucky was slowly nibbling onto his lips. He enjoyed the passionate touch that landed from Bucky’s full lips. He loved how Bucky was slow and not too rough. It was after all, Steve’s first kiss. he didn't have much chance with the ladies, hell, he couldn't talk to them without turning into just a quivering mess. But Bucky has had all kinds of experience, he probably has a good record with the dames of being both a dream maker and a heart breaker. Steve wondered if this bliss that he is feeling right now was the same way that those dames had felt whenever James Barnes kisses them. They were polar opposites. They were not supposed to be attracted to each other. They were both panting, breathing so heavily. They only broke the kiss because they had to breathe. There was no other reason. Steve wouldn’t mind giving up his life, only to make the feeling last forever. Steve looked at Bucky. Bucky stared at him back, and this time, Bucky was all red too. Steve felt guilty. His eyes widened, hands were sweating, shaking uncontrollably. No, I have to stop this. If I’m going to hell that’s fine. But not Bucky. He hasn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault. Steve ran as fast as he could. He could hear Bucky calling out to him, something like, “Steve, wait! Please don’t go.” But it didn’t matter anyway. Steve was going to get away from Bucky as it was for Bucky’s own good. He wasn’t gonna make Bucky a disgusting piece of trash like the one he already was. Bucky was pure, he was normal. Steve isn’t going to change all that for his own selfish desires. Bucky chased Steve. He tried finding Steve when Steve got lost in the forest. “Steve? Stevie? Where are you?” His voice was coarse and broken. He could break down right at that moment but he was going to control himself for Steve’s sake. “This was a bad idea. Now Steve probably hates me. No, God. Please don’t let him hate me. Please, help me find him, God. He’s got no one. Please,” he begged. Tears were already halfway to his jaw. He rarely prayed, but if he did, it was always for Steve. Steve had ran so far. Distant footsteps could be heard. Steve’s only mistake was to trip and fall. He hit his head hard and could feel something thick and wet when he touched his head. Sounds were muffled and everything was turning dark. Bucky carried Steve all the way from the forest to their home when he had found him lying unconscious. Steve was considered to be very light but the task of carrying over 50 to 60 kilogrammes of mass over your shoulders non-stop for more than an hour was tiring. Bucky had tucked Steve into his bed when they reached home. He wiped the stale and caked up blood on Steve's forehead with the help of the washcloth that was by the kitchen table. He did everything a mother would have done for it's child, the same gentle touches that cared for the broken skin, the occasional hand under the neck just to make sure that her child wasn't boiling up with an unwanted feve,r and soft whispers assuring the child that everything is alright and how she still loves him,no matter what happens. Chapter End Notes Steve and Bucky have known each other for so long now, but just like the song, they feel like its the first time they're seeing each other, after the kiss that is . Now, the mere thought of it brings tears, afraid of what what the other might think, afraid of losing the other. And they somehow realise that now, they're in some mad situation where things might not go as planned. Thanks for all the kudos and the lovely comments! ***** Chapter 3 ***** Chapter Summary Beneath that was the last thing in the box. They were dog tags belonging to a Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes from The 107th regiment. He remembers the day that Dum Dum had given him those tags. Apparently, Bucky has given those to him to pass it to Steve if he went MIA or KIA. Dum Dum also told him that Bucky never asked for those tags back either, even when they teamed up to form the Howling Commandos, even when Steve was by his side. He just wanted assurance that if any accident did happen, Steve would still have a part of him. Chapter Notes I kinda included some self harm in this chapter and I really do not recommend Steve's actions. Chris Daughtry's September is the song for this chapter. x See the end of the chapter for more notes How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave, And all those days we spent out by the lake. Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made. One by one they vanish just the same, Of all the things I still remember, Summer's never looked the same. The years go by and time just seems to fly, But the memories remain. In the middle of September, we'd still play out in the rain. Nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Reflecting now on how things could've been, It was worth it in the end. Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear. So we made our way by finding what was real. Now, the days are so long that summer's moving on, We reach for something that's already gone. Present day Manhattan, New York. “Steve? Steve?” Sam knocked on Steve’s door. Steve was still fast asleep when he heard Sam's voice buzzing between his eardrums. He woke up abruptly. “Yeah?” He answered back. He put on his sweatpants over the white boxers after getting up from the bed. “Tony called. He said his guys are gonna be here any minute now.” “Yeah. Okay. I’ll get ready," Steve answered hastily. This was extremely tiring and annoying. He didn’t like the notion of moving from one place to another. It was like he had no permanent home. Not that he had one either, but the illusion of one was good enough. Steve brushed his teeth. Shaved off his freshly formed stubble. He liked being neat and all. Got into a quick shower, just enough to feel clean. He wiped himself with one of the soft cotton towels that he has gotten from Sam. He grabbed the white t-shirt, put in on, matched it with a pair of dark blue cargo pants. It would be easier to move around with those on, he thought. The doorbell rang, and when Steve looked below from the mirror from his room, he saw a huge truck, with the emblem of Stark Industries in gigantic, bold, red and silver prints. Steve helped the men load their stuff into the truck, even when the employees rejected his help. For them, it was their job, they were paid to do that. Steve, however, felt that as a gentleman, even as a man at least, he was to help others. And Sam, whether or not he believed in the same ideology, it didn’t matter, did the exact same. It didn’t take too long for everything to get transferred into the truck. Steve and Sam both sat in the back of the truck. The whole journey took a minimum of forty to fifty minutes. ~ "Guys, I welcome you to my humble abode." “Humble, my foot!” Sam cut in. Tony laughed. He had gotten so used to receiving that kind of remark as almost anyone who walked into Stark Tower for the first time were absolutely stunned by its extravagant measures. The details in every nook of the building was astonishing. The employees had already placed all of their belongings in their respective rooms that Tony had allocated. “Coffee, anybody? Only the best that you can get in the whole world." Tony was proud of his coffee making abilities. His craving for coffee was considered unhealthy by Pepper. She had been trying to stop Tony from hiring any of those high end baristas, and, surprisingly, she managed to do it. But sadly, she couldn’t stop Tony from actually drinking coffee. Once Tony understood the mechanics that were used in structuring a coffee maker, he had designed his own one. It came with some nifty cool features that would be the envy of any technological company. And after that, he mastered up the beautiful art of coffee making. And truly, that was all he bothered to show to his friends these days. That is, again, he wondered, whether they had considered him as their friend. “Sure. I could really use one of those,” Sam responded. Steve on the other hand just nodded. Tony knew that Captain America didn’t quite like him. Steve had probably assumed that Tony was a reckless, irresponsible spoilt brat that rose from Howard's legacy. But Steve wasn’t wrong either, because Tony acknowledged that he was all of those things. They had their arguments, like petty little boys, trying to outdo each other for a father’s attention. It was amazing they haven't caused Civil War. But Steve was a discipline freak. That was the only thing that bothered Tony when it came to the blonde. Tony felt quite small the more he thought about it. Captain America didn’t have panic attacks or anxiety. Captain America was always in total control of himself and he was able to lead others. Tony envied that part of him silently. Tony walked back to his lounge with a tray consisting of three cups of coffee. One for each of them. And to top it up, he made those latte art patterns on the coffee. He was happy and proud of his new found skill. “Bet you guys can’t do that.” Sam and Steve looked at each other when they saw what Tony had brought in. “Seriously, Stark? We left you like for a year or two and all you learnt up were just drawing patterns on coffee?” Steve smirked. Tony just rolled his eyes. “Just drink it already, and stop complaining like you’re someone’s grandfather.” They laughed. Sam felt that the coffee was delicious. He’s never tasted coffee that was so good before. “Back then, coffee tasted differently, you know” “Stop being Captain Obvious, Steve. You can only be a Captain America.” Tony answered. Tony enjoyed his coffee very much indeed. And the fact that he made them himself was even more rewarding. ~ Tony had refurbished an entire floor for the Avengers. There were 10 rooms. He had built extra rooms just in case, if there were new members to the avengers. Fury had told him once that there were some more heroes that he would like to add to the group. One of them was a Dr. Stephen Vincent Strange. Tony knew that the guy was a surgeon but that was so long ago before he went away mystically. And then there was that kid, Peter Parker. The spider guy. Sam was given one of the rooms allocated for the avengers. He liked Sam, and he has heard of Sam’s skills from Natasha. He’d be a good Avenger, Tony thought. Each of the room had a bathroom attached to it. And none of the room were like the other. Tony would let them choose their own room. After all, they were going to stay in that place for a lifetime now, so they might as well like the design of their room. Sam’s taken the room beside Steve’s and Steve had chosen the room with the simplest and most minimal design. The rooms looked comfortable and were big enough to fit at least five people at a time. It was spacious. There was a working desk and a wardrobe. Each room had a different view of Manhattan when you looked out the windows. Steve’s room had a nice view overlooking the State Park, and if you were to look closely, you could have a glimpse of Lady Liberty. It reminded Steve about his old times. Everything was so scarce back then. Bucky had shared everything that he had with Steve. Food, clothes, shelter. While Steve, Steve had always felt like he was a burden for Bucky. He’d always wanted to make Bucky feel special, but he couldn’t. He just didn’t have the opportunity to do so. Steve was sitting on his bed, unpacking his clothes when Tony had knocked on the door. “There’s something here that I wanted to give you.” Tony brought in a metal box. “Howard kept your stuff after you fell. He went looking for you, but when he couldn’t find you, he went to your place and collected what was left. He liked you very much. He’d often tell me how you were the best thing that he had ever created.” Steve saw Tony’s face. It had a small but not so visible frown and his eyes were a little droopy. Stark had tried all his best to put on a fake smile but Steve could see right through him. “And you kept it after all this while?” “Yeah, besides, I’ve got a whole tower to myself. A small metal box of Captain America’s personal belongings ain’t gonna take over the whole space.” Tony always used humor to cover for his vulnerabilities. It was a way he could escape. Laughter, after all, was indeed the best medicine, the best mask to hide your insecurities. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Tony had left Steve alone with his things as people usually rejoiced upon the sight of long lost items. Steve was curious. He didn’t have much things before the war, and the few that Howard would have kept were probably last of his true belongings. There were a few clothes. They were so small in size that Steve was so sure he couldn’t fit them anymore, clothes he used to wear before he got the serum. The old olive green jumper and the blue rugged jeans looked exactly the same as he had left them in their home back then. Steve’s 17th birthday present was in there, too. He opened the rusted metal box. The pastels that Bucky had given him back then were broken into pieces, flaked around the corners, powdered up a little but they were still in good shape, courtesy of Howard Stark. Steve remembers what happened on that very day as it the whole incident occurred yesterday. The fireworks, the kissing and how he ran. Steve placed the pastels on the worktable in the room. Steve had probably only used them a couple of times back then. But with his spare time now, he could really put them into good use. Beneath the pastels, was the last thing in the box. They were dog tags belonging to a Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes from The 107th regiment. Steve remembers the day that Dum Dum had given him those tags. Apparently, Bucky has given those to Dugan to pass it to Steve if the brunette went MIA or KIA. Dum Dum also told him that Bucky never asked for those tags back either, even when they teamed up to form the Howling Commandos, even when Steve was by his side. He just wanted assurance that if any accident did happen, Steve would still have a part of him. “He told me to give this to you. And that would be his dying wish.” Dum Dum had told Steve that upon handing him those tags. After Bucky fell. Steve had been mad at Bucky. He had thrown the tags somewhere in his place out of a fit of anger. Bucky promised to be with him until the end of the line. “ You promised to stay. I hate you, Bucky. I hate you. Why did you leave me?”He had cried those words out loud after the incident. It killed the Howling Commandos to watch their Captain in pain. It killed them to lose their Sergeant. Steve couldn’t find the dog tags when he searched for them later. He didn’t have much time finding them either as he was busy putting down HYDRA for Bucky. It was difficult for Steve after that. He had no Bucky. He had lost a part of him. Slowly, Steve clenched the tags in his fists, sobbing. The veins in his hands were already protruding and obvious. Heavy teardrops fell onto his hand, onto the sheets. He could taste the salt in his mouth. Wet, thick, sticky stuff was slowly coming oozing out of his nose. He’d been crying for a few times now since he saw Bucky. He should have gotten used to it. He should have learnt to not make so much noise but it was just too hard to control himself. Sam could hear the muffled cries from next door. “Steve, are you okay pal?” He walked out of his room and called out from the front of Steve’s door. “Steve?” Steve didn’t answer. If Steve were to say anything, Sam would have heard how bad his voice sounded. How coarse it was. Sam knew something was wrong. “I’m alright Sam! I fell down. Hurt myself a bit.” Steve answered with a strong voice. He put some pressure on his vocal cords, trying to sound normal but Sam didn’t believe a word that Steve had said. He knew soldiers far too well. And Steve isn’t the type of person that would cry when he fell. He’d probably been hurt physically far much worse. There was no use in bothering Steve anymore. Sam walked to the lounge to find Tony because he saw Tony walking out of Steve’s room a couple of minutes ago through his door. “If I knew you were gonna hurt him, I’d never agree to come here.” Sam had grabbed Tony by the collar of his shirt and pushed him against the wall. “What the heck are you talking about? “Don’t pretend like you don’t know. What did you tell him?” “Dude, I just gave him a box of his stuff from back then! I swear!” Sam released Tony. Tony relaxed and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself, readjusting the collar of his shirt. “What’s wrong with Steve?” Tony asked once he was relaxed. “I don’t know. I thought I heard him crying in his room” Tony looked disturbed. “Look, my dad had kept some of his stuff with him when everyone thought that Steve had died. I’ve been wanting to pass it to him since we were assigned to be a team. I don’t know if this helps but I’ve peeked into the box.” “Go on.” “There wasn’t much in it actually. Clothes, some art stuff and someone’s dogs tags.” Tony answered with a cool tone. “James or Brad or something like that.” “James Buchanan Barnes ?” “Ya, exactly.Wait, how did you know?” There was a long silence. Puzzles started to piece back together in Sam’s mind. “Mind telling me what the hell is going on?” “Winter soldier.” “Winter soldier?" Tony knew little about him, one of the fact was that Steve hated when he referred Bucky like that. “Master assassin. Natasha said that they used to call him a ghost because of the way he disappears without a trace. He’s been credited for more than a dozen murders of highly important leaders since the forties.” “So, he’s ninety and a serial killer.” “He’s a weapon. He’s a soldier who follows orders. And he’s young.” “But that’ll be impossible.” “Not if it had something to do with HYDRA. He’s got a metal arm which is way stronger than anything I’ve seen. He ran fast, even Steve couldn’t catch up with him. He shot a bullet through Natasha to kill someone she tried protecting, a good sniper.” “And what has this got to do with Steve?” “Steve knew him. He called him Bucky. Steve didn’t want to kill him, and had let the soldier to try to kill him instead.” “Is he nuts? Or is he just plain STUPID?" “They were best friends. I’d do anything to save mine.” “Not if he tries to kill you!” Tony yelled. Sam couldn’t help but to agree somehow to what Tony was saying. But in reality it was easier said than done. You always try to protect the people that you loved no matter how much they hurt you, right? “So you’re gonna talk to Steve?” “I don’t know. When I heard him like crying, that is, if he was really crying, I had called out to him. He didn’t answer at first but then he told me that he fell.” Tony knew what that meant. When he was vulnerable and weak, when he was breaking down or when he was crying, he never wanted anyone to see the weakness in him. It was something that you hid from others. The only person who has seen Tony in his true, and weak, state was Pepper, the woman he loved and Rhodey, his best friend who’d put up with his shit. “Give him some time, Sam. He’ll talk when he’s ready.” “I know” ~ Steve wasn’t aware of the conversation that took place in the lounge. He’d been crying for about an hour now. And when he couldn’t control the emotional pain, he decided to take matters into his own hands.Literally. He put a screwdriver that was wrapped over with a small hand towel around it into his mouth and made sure it had fit just right so that any noise he makes can’t be heard. He then slowly twisted his right arm with his left one. It had hurt bad, but not bad enough for him. He went onto full throttle and he twisted his hand completely. Then there was a crack. Steve bit the through the cloth, he felt the rubbery texture of the handle of the screwdriver. It was too painful now. He had broken his arm. “Was this how he felt when I twisted his arm? God. I’m so sorry I hurt ya, Buck.” It made Steve really mad at himself when he realised that he had twisted Bucky’s normal human hand. He felt that he was so stupid at times as he had tried to hurt the only normal thing that Bucky had left. Steve bit the screwdriver even harder this time. It had hurt even more when the super serum tried to work its magic. It tried healing his broken arm. But Steve didn’t want to be healed. He wanted to feel the pain. He needed it. He craved the physical pain so that it would help him block out the emotions that he felt. Steve curled up on his new bed. He hid his broken arm under the weight of his body, so that the pain would last a little longer, you see. ~ Sam opened the door to Steve’s room with Tony’s spare ‘override all protocols’ key. Both he and Tony just wanted to make sure that Steve was okay. They saw Steve fast asleep. Steve had hid his head under the pillow but if you look close enough, you could see how his cheeks were red and how his eyes were swollen. The way that Steve had positioned himself on bed looked really uncomfortable especially when Sam knows that Steve usually sleeps upright, neither turning right or left. He had never seen Steve curled up like a ball or cover his head or even placing his hand under his body. Steve usually looked calm when he slept, but today, for the first time, he looked stressed and tired of everything. Tony however noticed something shiny around Steve’s neck. Tony moved aside, took a good look and moved outside. Sam followed after him and closed the door again. “He’s wearing the dog tags. That guy probably meant something important to him” “Yeah, I guess so.” Chapter End Notes When i hear this song, i feel its all about how Steve and Bucky have been far away for so long and now when he knows Bucky is alive somewhere, Steve wants a second chance to love him the way he should have. He remembers everything that he's done with Bucky and he'd do anything to at least get a hold of some of the happy memories now. Thanks in advance for the kudos! ***** Chapter 4 ***** Chapter Summary Who’s this man?” Steve pointed to a tall figure who often stood beside Peggy or Howard. The man had the brightest yet the most genuine smile that would light up even the worst day in a person’s life. Tony’s eyes teared up a little, accompanied by a small smile. “Edwin Jarvis. Dad.” He said in admiration. Steve looked at Tony in awe. Tony had just addressed a man who probably had little to no resemblance at all to Tony. Tony never called Howard as his father but surprisingly, he had addressed another stranger as if it was the truth. Chapter Notes Okay, chapter 4 is kinda weird you know, cause this story was supposed to be about steve and Bucky. But I also felt that I wanted to give Steve a relationship with Tony, like they could become friends, you know. Kinda like how the saying goes, opposite attracts? Song chosen for this chapter is Give me Love by Ed Sheeran x oh, one ore thing, there's a small surprise at the end of the chapter. *New character that's gonna be a major character* See the end of the chapter for more notes Give me love like never before, 'Cause lately I've been craving more, And it's been a while but I still feel the same, Maybe I should let you go, Present day Avengers Tower (Formerly known as Stark Tower) It’s been a few days now since Steve had moved in with Tony. He was still getting used to his new surroundings. Back when he was living with Sam everything was simpler and easier to handle. Tony’s place was just too technologically advanced for him. Sam however loved it. Sam had always liked this kind of stuff. He found it interesting and cool. Despite only spending about 3 hours in a day in the tower, he had already understood the mechanism of the building. Steve, unlike Sam, was too free. Sometimes, he would walk around the building only to be startled by the talking A.I. At first he thought Tony was pranking him. But when he confronted Tony, Tony had broken out into a fit of laughter. “No, Steve, he is not a spy. He is my assistant.” “An assistant with ninja skills? Is that really necessary, Stark?” “No, he isn’t human. He is programmed to act and to talk like one. You should have understood the mechanics of it by inward, especially since we've got Vision on our team." “I don’t get it.” “He is a computer program. Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. Jarvis for short. Let me demonstrate. Jarvis buddy, could you do a background search for Steve Rogers?” “There are exactly 35 Steve Rogers from around the world, sir. The man next to you is one of them, sir. He is born Steven Grant Rogers, son to Joseph and Sarah Rogers. His childhood best friend was James Buchanan Barnes who also served with him during the 2nd world war. Steve Rogers was a frail boy who was denied to join the military four times. However, Steve Rogers was chosen to join the military under Doctor Erskine for Project Rebirth. Head scientist, Howard Stark…” “That’s enough pal. So do you understand now?” Tony had cut short Jarvis’s explanation. “Can he do other stuff? Like track people or translate languages?” “Of course he can. I created him. Why do you ask?” “No reason, I was just curious.” “Besides, If you need anything, you could just call for him. He’d be glad to help.” ~ There were times during late nights when Steve would sneak into Tony’s working lair, watching Tony work with those robotic stuff. He didn’t quite understand the term robotics. But he knew it had something to do with combining different technologies to make sophisticated robots until they were almost human like. Steve wouldn’t make a sound as he slowly watched how Tony assembled stuff together, as quiet as a mouse. He would admire the other man’s delicate handiwork. In reality, Tony wasn’t actually soft when he was handling the tools and everything, but he was indeed cautious and full of care when he was tuning them together. Sometimes Tony would just throw the spanner across the table when he was done using it. Tony was often covered in grease or lubricating oil. His face and hands were all smudged. His hair would glisten with sweat. But Steve was a big fan of how Tony worked. Tony was clever, smart,a genius. Steve wouldn’t call himself smart though, but Bucky, that was a definite yes. Steve was the one who was stupid enough to pick fights with everyone who was bigger and stronger than him while Bucky was the total opposite. He could literally get his way out of any trouble. One of those bloody street smart rascals. However, anyone would agree that Bucky was stupid when it came to Steve. He was willing to get into fights to help his little friend. He wouldn’t mind getting injured physically or even get hurled at with vulgar words if it was to help Steve to get out of any trouble. And that meant a lot for Steve, you see. “So you’re just gonna sit there and stare at me or, you know, you could help me with some stuff.” Steve was surprised when he heard Tony call out to him. “How long did you know I was here?” “Since the moment you walked in. Jarvis told me.” Tony answered and tapped twice the metallic blue earpiece that was attached to his right ear. “So he can’t keep a secret, heh?” “I would if you asked me to, sir.” Steve was a little shocked that the A.I. was conversing with them. It just wasn’t usual for a man from the forties to be getting an answer from a robot. “He’s programmed that way. I’ve programmed him that way. But it will still remain in his records, unless you ask him to permanently delete it, of course. By the way, can you pass me the fluted socket 6 flutes screwdriver?” Steve looked back at Tony, raising his eyebrows. “English please.” “That was English.” “Ugh. Stop showing off.” “The yellow one, beside the keys.” Tony gave out a small chuckle. He liked doing that. It made him sound superior and somehow it was able to cover his inferiority complex. But it kinda made him sound like a jerk, too. Steve moved forward, picked up the referred screwdriver and passed it to Tony. “So what are ya building, actually?” “A new suit prototype. Adding in some new functions, new weapons in store, etc." “It’s cool.” “Thanks. I appreciate that.” Tony had meant what he said. Not many people had praised Tony’s hard work. Some of them were busy mocking his ideas, or calling him a bastard for showing off his skills. Most were just interested in buying them. They didn’t actually see it for what it was worth. Steve kept quiet for a while. He seated himself on a chair that gave a nice and full view of Tony’s working place. He could see Tony’s every single move, be it lifting a screw or applying some heat to the metal. Welding, people called it. “Who sits here?” “Pepper.” “Who’s that? Another A.I.?” “My old secretary, now CEO. And no, she’s human.” “Why’s a secretary given a special seat that allows her to have a full on clear view of you in sweat?” “Huh, it makes more sense when you put it that way though. I thought she was just worried that I might hurt myself.” Steve looked at Tony judgmentally. “It’s none of your business.” “You guys fondue.” Steve said in a slightly lower tone, as if he just meant those words to himself. It wasn’t a question either. It was more of a statement actually. “From what I have heard from Howard, I assume you mean sexual intercourse?” “Um, yeah.” “Well, I love her. She’s the only one who has been truly honest with me. And, Rhodey too, but I can say, she’s the only woman who has ever done that.” Tony’s face was slightly lighted up by a small, satisfied grin. He found the love of his life and he would to anything to cherish that. “Well, she ought to be a hell of a woman if she’s willing to put up with a huge egomaniac like you.” Tony accompanied Steve’s laugh. He had managed to accept the truth that he was one, anyway, so it didn’t matter much when Steve said that. But something else was on Steve’s mind. He was slightly disturbed by the fact that Tony had addressed his father by his name. Twice now. “Howard, heh? Why’d you call him that way?” “It doesn’t matter.” “Well, it mattered enough to change your facial expression.” Steve pinpointed Starks’s frown. Steve realized that Tony was ever so bitter when anyone talked about his father. Howard probably became a billionaire after Steve fell, and Tony would have been the coolest kid on the block. Tony didn’t give a reply. He continued his work silently without saying a word. Steve kept quiet too. He felt it was best that he didn’t dwell on that topic anymore. It would just make things worst among them. Steve just observed Tony’s swift actions through the dimly lit room. The only light aimed was near where Tony was standing. His shadow was cast at his newly designed Iron man suit. It was only about twenty minutes later when Tony wiped his hands with a rag cloth and threw it on the floor. He then walked away from his work. “Follow me.” The brunette said. ~ Steve just walked behind Tony. He followed his footsteps slowly, at the same speed of which Tony was walking, but with more caution as he was walking to an unknown place. There were sensors that detected movement. Lights were switched on one at a time, automatically. They reached a small isolated room at the end of a corner. “Unlock room zero.” “I’m afraid I can’t sir. Your orders.” “Override all previous commands for this room” “Are you sure you would like to override all protocols that you have set up for this room? I do not recommend that action, sir. “Do as I say.” Tony was stern. Steve was slightly disturbed at Tony’s tone and looked worriedly at Tony. Maybe it wasn’t right to ask Tony about his dad but then again, it just felt so wrong to call the man who raised you up by his first name. It was as if Tony had no respect for his old man. The room opened. He switched on the incandescent lights manually. It gave the red coloured room a slightly warm and sentimental glow. “He didn’t deserve the privilege of me calling him dad.” Steve didn’t answer. He felt it was best if he just listened rather than asking more questions. But if the need came, he would ask, but now, there wasn’t a need for it. “He never cared about me. All that mattered to him was you.” Steve did not expect that from Tony. It was truly a shocking revelation. “After you fell, he set out to search for you. He went into the ice looking for you without telling a single soul. He was out in the ice for months. He set up a small camp and did everything he could to look for you.” Tony pointed to one of the photos that was arranged systematically on the wall in the room. It had a picture of Howard waving from the middle of an iceberg. “He had a sample of your post serum blood work kept safely in one of his inventions.” Tony paused for a while. “But he lost it. Never knew how. He often said that you were slowly slipping away from him.” Although Tony never did sound extremely sad or anything, but Steve could feel it. Tony was disappointed at his father. That was for sure. “This is my mom, Maria. He got married to her once he found out Peggy got married to Sousa.” “Peggy got married?” “Yeah. Howard was heartbroken when he found out.” Tony showed Steve a picture of Peggy in her white dress, smiling beside a handsome man in crutches. “He’s disabled?” “Yeah, the guys at the SSR used to joke around saying that no girl was gonna trade a red, blue and white shield for aluminum crutches.” Tony smiled a little. “Peggy liked Howard too. It was some sort of skinny love between those two. She stayed in Howard’s place for some time and well, you know, things happened.” Steve understood what Tony meant when he said that. He wasn’t that naïve. “So what broke them up?” “Howard. He’s a fucking idiot. He vanished for about 5 years without telling anyone. No one knew what happened to him. There were rumors that he was dead. Others said that he had joined Hydra. She was pretty messed up after he went missing.” Steve was slightly pissed at Howard. Steve had loved Peggy and he would be happy if she found love. But Howard didn’t take care of her. He didn’t deserve her. “So what about this Sousa guy?” This guy somehow made Peggy happy, Steve had assumed, by looking at a few of the photos. He would have been a hell of a guy if Peggy was comfortable around him. “He was a sweetheart. He would stand up for her when the other guys treated her as second class. She cared for him as he did for her and at the end of the day, that was what really mattered, right?” Tony was right. That was the thing that truly mattered to anyone. Because that's the way Steve and Bucky loved each other too. “They lived a happy life, but they didn’t have any kids. Daniel loved kids though. He used to play with me, spend his time with me and all.” That revelation seemed to relax Tony. Steve was probably the first person that he had ever talked about his childhood, and it seemed to do wonders to let some burden off your shoulders. “She started moving on, accepting the fact that Howard was probably dead somewhere, looking for you, or got involved with the wrong sort of people. He was after all, an arms dealer. It came with the job description.” There were several photos of Howard and Peggy standing close to each other, very close in fact. In one of them, Howard was wearing sunglasses and was dressed up in a well tailored suit while Peggy was in a nice dress. They had looked good together. In some other photos you could see the way that Howard looked at Peggy. He had eyes that showed an infinite amount of affection towards her. And then there were also a few photos of Peggy and Daniel together. She looked happy. And Daniel, just like Howard, aimed the same look towards her. Steve understood what it meant to be in love. He understood both the men. He had loved Peggy too and Peggy loved him back during the war. It was selfish of him to dive in the iceberg like that. But losing Bucky was just too much for him and he couldn’t imagine a life without Bucky bossing him around or just calling him a punk. That was the truth. It had hurt like hell within the two weeks of his death and Steve just wasn’t sure if he could continue doing the right thing and all. “Maria was okay. She took care of me. Sometimes.” Tony continued. “She and Howard had their life. She took care of Howard more though,” Tony sighed at the end, put on a small smile. “Peggy was nice to me. She and Daniel took me to zoos and parks. We did parents-children stuff. It was during those moments that I was able to be a normal kid. They were my godparents, but they somehow they became more than that. She used to say that I should love my parents more and give them more credit. After Maria and Howard died in the car crash, we became closer. Like a real family.” There was a short silence. Tony was collecting himself again. "Who’s this man?” Steve pointed to a tall figure who often stood beside Peggy or Howard. The man had the brightest yet the most genuine smile that would light up even the worst day in a person’s life. Tony’s eyes teared up a little, accompanied by a small smile. “Edwin Jarvis. Dad.” He said in admiration. Steve looked at Tony in awe. Tony had just addressed a man who probably had little to no resemblance at all to Tony as his biological father. Tony never called Howard as his dad but surprisingly, he had addressed another stranger as if it was the truth. Tony never returned Steve’s gaze. He just looked at the man in the photos, slowly caressing the flat area in one of the photos where the man was standing. “He was Howard’s right hand man. Or in truer, but harsher words, his servant. He would do anything that Howard had requested him to do." "Jarvis was an excellent English soldier who fought alongside the British Government. But he made the biggest mistake in his career. He fell in love. His General wouldn’t let him save the Jewish girl that he had loved from being a victim of the holocaust, so Jarvis took matters into his own hands. He rescued her from the Germans and tried to bring her to England, so that she could have a new life. He was then considered as a traitor to his country. Howard cleared his name, and by that, I mean Howard had used his influence to erase Jarvis’ past. And Jarvis was with him ever since.” Tony paused a while. “He cared for me, like no one else did. Not even Howard. He didn’t shower me with gifts or toys. But he gave me what I wanted the most. What I needed the most. Attention. Affection.” Tony’s eyes teared up a little bit more, talking about his father figure. “So, you named your invention after him?” Steve asked. “Yeah. That was the only thing that I could do to keep him alive. To keep the memories burning. He worked with Peggy to clear Howard’s name when he got into trouble, during the time that Howard was considered as a fugitive by the SSR. Peggy told me that she owed Jarvis but somehow she never actually said it out loud. He was man who you’d look up to. A gentleman. He was my idol." "I started to call him dad when I was a kid, probably around the age of 4 to 5, until the very day he had died. Jarvis would correct me, saying that Howard was my father though. And one day, I just told him that I wanted him to be my father, but he only smiled. Till this day, I’m not even sure if he would be proud to have me call him in that way, or whether he had felt guilty to the bottom of his heart for turning a child against his own real father. I don’t even know whether if he even truly liked me." "After all, I wasn’t that important, or special, or a person that someone would be proud of. Howard used to say that you were the only good thing that he had brought into the world. I just wasn’t you, Steve. But Jarvis said that he had faith in me. If I am trying to do my best in protecting the world today, it’s because of Jarvis.” Tony looked at Steve, wide eyed, with all the despair and sadness that was way too visible in his emotions. Steve could just see all the pain, anger, and disappointed that Tony had kept to himself all these while. Steve felt sorry toward the slightly older man. He placed his right hand on Tony’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.” “No, it wasn’t your fault.” Steve hugged Tony. He held Tony tightly. Tony returned Steve’s grasp. Steve felt a warm sensation, probably a teardrop on his shirt. It felt good to finally let all of that free. All those emotions. ~ Tony and Steve had sat down in the room for an hour now doing nothing but keeping each other company. “Jarvis used to say something though. He always said that he owed Howard his life, but he doesn’t owe him his integrity.” Tony had voiced out to break the deafening silence. Those words made so much sense to Steve. It sounded righteous and full of honor; something that Steve adored and based his principles upon. Steve felt that if he had met Jarvis, he would have instantly liked the English gentleman. They would have been good friends. The doorbell had rang. Tony rarely had guests, being alone at this time of the day. It was about one in the morning now. Tony had to walk out of the room. The A.I. was not supposed to disturb Tony whenever he was in that specific room and would only update Tony once he stepped out. It was set that way, once all the protocols for that room was rewritten. “Sir, Miss Romanoff and Mr. Barton are at the door. There also seems to be a third unidentified semi organic being with them, sir. Should I open the door?” “I’ll have a look, Tony”. Tony just nodded. Steve walked down the hallway. Jarvis had guided him through the enormous building and Tony was slowly trailing Steve from behind. Steve turned the door knob, and gave a hearty smile at Natasha. “S-Steve? What are you doing here?” “I live here. You look as if you had seen a ghost or something, Nat.” Natasha’s facial expression had changed once she saw Steve. She looked even more stressed when Steve told her that he lived here now. “I didn’t k-know you w-were...” Natasha stumbled upon her words “Natasha, what’s taking you so long. My arm fucking hurts." Clint yelled out from behind. “Is he alright?” Steve opened the door wider and tried to look at Clint. He was worried whether Clint might have hurt his arm or something. But that wasn’t the case. He was carrying someone in his arms. The figure was very muscular. His right arm hung low and his left arm… it was shiny. It reminded him of someone. “Bucky? Is it Bucky?" Natasha tried to explain but Steve had opened the door wide and moved his way towards Clint. He wanted to make sure that his eyes weren’t just playing tricks on him. Clint was shocked to see Steve. The only reason that they had brought the Winter Soldier here, instead of Steve’s old address, was due to the fact that Natasha didn’t want Steve to know. Natasha wanted to protect Steve from knowing the fact that Bucky was in a bad shape. And she had failed. Chapter End Notes This song signifies how Tony as a kid, craved the love from his parents. How he would do all kinds of things to get his parents attention, but it just never seemed enough, especially with Howard. But Jarvis was there for him. After the crash he fell apart, not because of his parents, but because of the unnamed driver in the car. The only person who cared about him. And that his how Tony became the damaged person he is today. Thanks for reading ! ***** Chapter 5 ***** Chapter Summary Steve started placing slow and soft kisses onto Bucky’s body. Steve moved his hands along Bucky’s body, touching him gently and full of passion. Steve didn’t know what had gotten into his mind. The only thing he knew was that he felt the extreme urge to make sure that Bucky knows that he is loved no matter how deep those scars ran. “St-Steve?” Steve didn’t answer. He just continued his movements, kissing one burnt mark to the other after making circular movements around them. Chapter Notes This chapter's a bit long. Kinda feel sorry for Bucky though, he didn't deserve all that pain. Felt like i was gonna punch his boss when I was writing this. Leona Lewis- Bleeding Love x See the end of the chapter for more notes But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away, But they don't know the truth. My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing. November 1935 Brooklyn, New York Steve had to get up early in the morning today, despite feeling slightly under the weather, as he had to walk to the comic book company that was located about 1km from his place. It was gonna be his first day of work. He had sent in a few of his artwork to the rising company, and he got called after a few days. All he had to was to draw some characters, give them some colour after inking them with a ruling pen or with a crow’s quill. And the most important thing was, that this job would help him to get some supplies for the house. Maybe help them get around the month without Bucky having to do odd jobs. He had noticed that Bucky was coming home extremely late for the past few months, probably working overtime he thought. Because if only Steve knew how Bucky sacrificed his body for the blonde, then Steve would hate his own self. He would how despise how Bucky went through all of this for the blonde’s weakness and his own happiness. Bucky had already gone for work and Steve was all alone that morning, as usual. He slowly put off the candle that was lit up and went to take his shower. The water was icy cold. Steve had gotten used to it burning into his skin, despite Bucky saying he was going to earn enough money so that they can afford a water heater. He doesn't blame Bucky though,because it's not his fault that they can't afford it. He put on his clothes, not too fancy, but nothing too simple either. He ought to give a good first impression, you see. Steve packed his art stuff. Some ordinary sketching materials, some coloured pencils too, an eraser, ruler, and other stuff that he thought that he might need. He was told that he would be given the supplies that he needed, but he preferred to use his own ones. He was comfortable with them. He locked the door before leaving, wondering if Bucky had an extra set of keys. Since Steve was usually at home, Bucky didn’t bother to take his set of keys. He didn’t tell Bucky that he was going to work either because Bucky would have been pissed off if he found out that Steve was going to work. He remembers suggesting it to Bucky once, but Bucky had fought with him and didn’t talk to him for nearly a month. Bucky did exchange words but that was just it. No meaningful conversations. Steve remembers the incident in detail. “It’s fine, Steve. I can manage.” “No, Bucky. I hate see you doing all the work. You seem so tired, and if I get a job, you don’t have to struggle this much.” “I KNOW THIS ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH, OKAY. BUT I’M TRYING! I DON’T NEED YOUR OR ANYONE ELSE’S SYMPATHY.” Bucky snapped. He was furious. He stormed out of the house and only came back at late night, smelling like fresh cigarettes. The stench was powerful, and Steve didn’t like it. Bucky walked into his room that night without talking or even looking at Steve’s direction. But everything between him and Bucky was resolved now. He didn’t want to jinx anything, but he was not gonna let Bucky suffer alone either. Steve walked with the crowd in the busy morning streets of New York. Most of them were in grey or black suits, with a trench coat or raincoat over them. And they were all bigger than him. When he had reached his new working place, he found that everyone was looking at him from the tip of his hair till the edge of his toes. He could hear silent whispers filling the air, mostly condemning about his scrawny appearance, as if it had never hurt his pride before. “He’s the new kid.” “How old is he anyway? Ten?” “He’s a goddamn midget.” “He’s skinny and scrawny like a scarecrow. Pretty sure his job should be chasin' after crows and not after quills and inks.” “Oh, come on. Don’t be mean guys. We don't want him to feel smaller than he already is." His soon to be colleagues had belittled him, but he didn’t quite care. He was here for the job, not for their remarks. “You must be Steve.” A young woman approached him. She had a name tag that stated Susan, pinned on the area of her left breast. She brought him to her supervisor. Steve stood like a statue in front of the well built man. The man was in his forties and he had a thick black mustache. His head was bald; you could say that it reflected light really well, like a mirror. “I’ve seen your work, boy. But I never thought you were this small. Can you get the job done?” “Yes, sir. I promise that I won’t disappoint you, sir.” “I hope so, too.” The young woman then brought him to his new working desk. The desk was dusty and was kinda small compared to the other desks. For once, his small figure actually was useful. She had then left Steve with a folder and had told him that all the stuff on the table was his now. Steve got some water and used it to clean his table and chair but some of the dust got into his nose and he started sneezing and coughing. Everyone looked at him, but then just continued their work, pretended like nothing ever happened. He then placed his stuff on the holders on the table. There was India Ink and some different sized paintbrushes on the table. Steve sat down on the rickety chair and prompted to open the folder. There were some rough words written down in pen, giving Steve an idea of what to draw. Steve didn’t know how to start his work. He had been reading comics since he was a kid, he knew the process and everything, but this was now his job, not just his hobby or his goddamn skill anymore. Steve picked up a pencil and stated moving with the flow. He drew some stick figures, positioning them the way that he wanted. Sometimes, the stick figure would have a bent arm or looked as if he was kicking. And within minutes he had finished “stick figuring” a whole storyboard. He moved on, making the lines and scribbles look as if they were in a 3- dimensional shape like cylinders, spheres and cuboids. The arms and legs were cylindrical, joints and the cranium was symbolized with a sphere and cuboids were used for the torso and the pelvic area. It was only after that, did Steve took a slightly darker pencil than the 3H one that he was using. He opted for a HB and began doing all the details. The face was starting to look more than just a mannequin. Steve took a small break after working for 4 hours continuously. He stretched his arms and legs and sat upright. He was kinda hungry, his tummy was already rumbling like it used to. He didn’t take any breakfast that morning and now he really felt the urge to eat something. Steve searched his pocket and found twenty five cents in his pocket. He walked out of the place slowly with small steps and proceeded to move towards a small eatery that was a few shops ahead of his workplace. He sat down on one of the plushy chairs of the diner, by the window as he watched people walking, asked the waitress politely for a cup of coffee and the smallest and cheapest bun that they had. “Here you go.” “Thank you, ma’am.” “No need to call me ma’am, just call me Angie.” the waitress smiled. “I’ve never seen you here before.” “My first time here.” Steve answered while taking a bite of the bun. It had some butter in it. Nothing else, but it was enough for Steve. "The bun’s quite nice. Angie, right?” “Yeah, but between the both of us, I feel that it needs more improvement,” She answered honestly with a bit of a mischievous smirk. She moved away, and Steve continued to feast on his breakfast and drank the coffee. Then paid her with all the money that he had, feeling a little guilty for not tipping her well. “That was what I could afford.” “It's okay, most of them don’t even tip.” ~ lSteve continued his artwork again. He used the size 0 brush to outline his sketch. He dipped it into the small glass container that was filled with India Ink. He pressed the brush against the brim of the container, removing excess ink from the brush. He then tried the brush on a piece of rough paper to make sure that the brush had the right amount of ink. Slowly, he moved the brush in accordance to his previous sketch. His sketch stated to look like it was printed. It took him a solid 6 hours to get it done. His boss was about to call it a day when he saw Steve. He walked towards him and observed his newly appointed worker. He took Steve’s work and inspected it. Steve had butterflies in his tummy, he was worried whether his boss had liked his art. If it wasn’t up to standards, he might need to find another job, but a skinny kid like him wasn’t actually working material. It would take him ages until he had found another job, and by then it would be too late to actually reduce the burden that was shouldered upon Bucky, the burden of providing bread and butter for his family. “Not bad kiddo. This is good stuff. Really professional. You took lessons?” “Not really.” “So it’s all talent, eh? Tell you what. Give me more stuff like this, I’ll pay you 5 dollars for each one you get done.” Steve beamed at the words that he had heard. He agreed instantly. Five bucks for each work? That would be more than enough to make ends meet. Hell, it could even let them to have a more lavish life than the one they’re having right now. “Here, keep this five dollars on this one, for starters.” The man handed the shiny dollar to Steve, who kept rubbing his fingers against it, like it was the best thing that he has ever laid his hands on. “Thank you, sir.” “I expect you to be here tomorrow and hand me more stuff like this.” “Yes, sir.” Steve was as happy as a lark. Well, he did get a solid five dollars on his first day of work. He walked out of the place with the money, without caring about his art stuff. The table was his now, right? He could use the money to do so many things but the thing that the both of them needed right now is some home supplies. Food. Something fresh and actually edible. They had been eating canned food for so long now. It would be a nice change if they had something that didn’t come out from a metal container or was made like a year ago. He went to one of those organic grocers and bought a bag full of fruits and vegetables. “Bucky would be happy,” Steve thought to himself as he struggled to carry the heavy goods. There weren’t much people on the streets as it was almost eight. Most people finished their job at six and were often at home half an hour later. The streets were dark, only lit up by the dim streetlamps. “Hey there, pansy. All alone tonight?” A man who was probably two and a half times bigger than Steve called from behind. Steve frowned. "Your mam' didn't teach you manners? Talking to people like that?" Steve turned his head and looked right into the stranger's eyes. Steve hated those kind of words, made him sound disgusting and pathetic, as if he was so much lower compared to other beings. He can't deny that he loves Bucky, but when words were put that way, they were just just plain hurtful. "And you're telling me what's right and wrong? No one in his right mind is ever gonna take advice from a pansy. Why don't you be a good little cocksucker and answer the damn question you fucking faggot.” The man approached him and placed a firm grip on his shoulders. It hurt Steve, burnt his soft skin, marking up the area with large hand prints. “Leave me alone. Don't make me fight you." Steve said confidently. Like the hell you can. I’d push you over in a single blow.” Steve was not one that would back down from a fight, especially not when he tried avoiding one in the first place. Steve put down his groceries to the side, and aimed to punch the man, but the stranger anticipated his movements and got hold of his wrist. “Let me go, you son of a bitch.” “Whoa, big words coming from a fairy.” The man squeezed Steve’s wrist. Steve tried to fight back, but the man had hit him hard. Steve fell against the floor. Steve tried to rise up, but the man pinned him down. He pushed the groceries bag with one hand and used his other one to squeeze Steve’s face. Hurt like hell. “Trying to keep the streets of New York clean from you filthy creatures, you see” “I’m not like that.” “Maybe not yet, but you lot are just the same. You want a larger man to protect your frailty. You’re no woman, you remember that you piece of shit. You can thank me later, when I have finished ending your misery.” The man paused to take out a knife from his pocket. He covered Steve’s mouth with his bare hands, abrasively, muffling any noise that Steve made. Steve struggled. If this was his end, he wasn’t gonna give up. He was gonna go down swinging. He kicked the man, tried to push him and all, but the man was just too strong. “Feisty little fag, aren’t ya? Well, maybe, I can put you to good use. Perhaps have some fun with you before ending this.”He gave Steve a filthy look. He moved Steve’s hand towards his groin. Steve was terrified, but he didn’t show it. He had never imagined that something like this would have happened. This kind of things just happened to other people and he would be one to just hear about it. It wasn’t like Steve never had any sexual thoughts or anything. He had his fair share of imagination and touching other men was something that he assumed that he would have enjoyed. But it had to be someone who he had loved and not some stranger who just wants Steve to go down on him. “Hey jackass! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size.” Another man had yelled from the back. A younger man, probably a few years older than Steve, pulled the bastard from Steve. The Samaritan had his face hidden under a cap and a long dark scarf. He was tall and well built. “Steve?” “Bucky? Is that you?” Steve was shocked to see his best friend coming to save him, yet again. This was getting all too usual and he didn’t like the fact that Bucky was always saving his ass from the outside world. The stranger was now surprised after realising that the two of them knew each other. "So this little pansy over here is your cocksucker eh?" That question was aimed at Bucky. "Don't you dare call him that, you bastard!" The man noticed how Bucky's hands were forming into fists. His only choice now was to eliminate them both as fast as possible. He can’t be leaving any witnesses behind nor can he take a chance of letting any one of the queer men to live. He needed to attack the stronger man first to make sure his rate of success was high. He pushed Bucky away and stated hitting him. He punched Bucky’s stomach and chest. Bucky cried out in pain. The man then noticed a dumpster along the walls of the building in the back alley that the three of them were fighting in. He slammed Bucky against it. Bucky’s head was hit hard against the metal dumpster. His hair covered the blood that was smeared on his skull. He continued hitting Bucky and Bucky had finally passed out. Normally it would take more than this to put him out, but Bucky couldn’t fight anymore, not after what had happened just a few hours ago. He was tired and broken and he wasn't ready to put up a fight, especially not when his body was still aching. Bucky was thrown into the dumpster by the stranger as if he was just a piece of domestic garbage, nothing bigger or more meaningful than that. Meanwhile, Steve had noticed that the man had dropped his knife. He picked it up, ran towards the man, and stabbed him. Steve had jammed the knife in the right spot, blood was just flowing freely from his body, and dampend his shirt. Steve had severed one of his main arteries. Steve just let the man there, not giving a fuck of whatever that was going to happen to the man who tried to rape and kill him, just because he looked like a goddamned fairy. He tried waking Bucky up, but Bucky wasn’t responding. Steve checked his pulse. It was weak. Steve had to move fast. He placed back the scattered fruits and vegetables into the bag and carried it with him. He placed the bad down and pulled Bucky with all the might that he had left. He grabbed Bucky’s right arm and placed it over his shoulder. He acted like a plinth, supporting Bucky’s weight. When he was stable enough, he grabbed the bag and continued walking. ~ He had laid Bucky on his bed, removing some of his clothing. Just to make sure that Bucky’s airway wasn’t restricted. Once Bucky was half awake, Steve made sure to remind Bucky to get a shower. He was already smelling like two days worth of left overs. Bucky was very conscious when it came to his body though. Steve had never actually had a good look of it. Bucky was always wearing an undershirt or singlet.Despite being fit, he wasn’t one to show off his muscles, and Steve didn’t understand why. Men their age do it ever so often, just to have a chance with the ladies by grabbing their attention. Show off some nice muscles and you get all the ladies swooning all over you. Bucky had forgotten that Steve was in his room after he was finished with his shower. He came out, dripping wet in water, with a strong scent of cheap and old soap. They never had the opportunity to get good quality stuff and soaps were just one of them. He was clad only in his old tattered towel, topless. It was the very first time Steve noticed how badly injured Bucky was. His body looked as if it just got through a whole day in hell, all battered and hammered. And to Steve, it didn’t make much sense either. Most of his injuries were already healing, which meant that these bruises weren’t caused by the fight that they had just got involved about 2 hours ago. Some of the bruises were already turning blue black, meaning they would have been at least a few days old. Small cuts covered his body. His wrists and ankle line were red and sore and looked as if they were tied together. And there were so many round but really small, tiny circular burnt marks on his body hidden partially under his chest hair. It looked as if someone had pressed burning cigarettes or maybe even cigars, against his body when he was a kid. Those marks looked years old and were not even healing anymore. They were permanent at the back of his spine. Steve didn’t know what to do. He thought today was the best day of his life as he thought he would be able to see a grin on Bucky’s face due to the money that Steve's gotten from day's work... But after realizing all these, Steve wasn’t sure he’d be able to look at his cheerful friend the same way again. There was no possible way that someone can actually pretend that these scars had never hurt them one bit and be happy all the time. Steve stared at Bucky. He wasn't sure whether he was supposed to feel angry or sad. Angry, for his best friend not telling him about any of this or perhaps sad, that this person that he had loved wholly had been reduced to such a level. “Don’t.” Bucky noticed how his body was affecting the younger man. He looked at his torso, his own eyes trailing on the scars on his body. “Bucky?” “Don’t look at me. I’m hideous.” “No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.” Steve was honest. Bucky was probably one of the most attractive men he had the pleasure of meeting. “Stop lying! Can’t you see these scars?” Steve didn’t answer. Those scars had hurt Steve, because every time he looked at them, he saw the way that his friend was in pain. But the thought of it making his friend look ugly had never occurred through his mind. Steve knew that Bucky wasn’t just physically hurt, he was emotionally compromised too. Bucky had thought too low of himself, and Steve didn't like it one bit. Steve stood up, and moved closer to Bucky. He held out both of Bucky's hands. Bucky wasn't used to this. He had never feel anyone being to close with him, so intimate with him. Sure, holding girls as if they had meant the world to him were all good: oh how their faces brightened up like the sun when he said he they were beautiful, but this, but this was different. Stevetually feel loved by someone you truly care about. When Bucky stared into Steve's eyes longingly, Steve knew this wasn't going to turn out right. "Bucky, I..qqnkhi pool qqnk I should go." Steve could feel that all of this could end up in the wrong way. He motioned to move but Bucky didn't want to let go of the grip in his hands. Bucky stared at how both their hands were entangled. He had liked it. Slowly, Bucky moved his hands from their original position, only to caress Steve's face. His hands were rubbing his soft heeks, gently. Steve didn't want to look at Bucky. He was embarrassed, for fuck's sake. His face was glowing in a bright red concoction, as blushing was something so natural to Steve. His face would flush at every opportunity that it had, be it time when he was sick, or the moment his ma had caught him sneaking out to play with Bucky. He hated the fact that it made him look like a dame, so effeminate, he thought. Bucky, on the other hand, felt it was cute, rare even as most of the girls he dated had never turned that red when he had touched them. Steve looked up directly into his grey eyes. His lower lip was already trembling, quivering, begging for attention. Bucky bent his head low enough until his nose was touching Steve. It was so wrong, but Bucky didn't care anymore. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips on Steve's. Steve remembers the warm sensation being exactly the same way back then, when he had kissed Bucky on his own birthday. For some reason, they never talked about it and Steve appreciated the fact that it remained that way. He couldn't imagine Bucky scolding him with foul words or making fun of him, or worse, abandoning Steve for being a big disgrace. One of Bucky's hand had wrapped itself around Steve's head and the other was slowly unbuttoning his shirt. When his hand had undone the last button, Bucky prompted to remove all of Steve's clothing. He hands ran free over Steve's hairless chest. He could feel the bones, ribs protruding out of his soft, baby- like, lithe skin on his body, how easily it had seemed to break them. He was fragile, and Bucky knew that. Steve took away Bucky's hand from his body and pushed it down slowly. Steve gently pushed the standing Bucky down, until he was lying on the sheets. It wasn't hard anyway as Bucky just surrendered himself and let Steve do whatever he wanted without even the slightest resistance. The blonde sat beside Bucky, Steve started placing slow and soft kisses onto Bucky’s body. He saw how Bucky's head rose a little in curiosity. Steve moved his hands along Bucky’s hairy chest, feeling the strands of hair gently brushing gently brushing against his small, skinny fingers. He touched him gently and full of passion. Steve didn’t know what had gotten into his mind because the only thing he knew was that he felt the extreme urge to make sure that Bucky knows that he is loved, no matter how deep those scars ran. “St-Steve?” Steve didn’t answer. He just continued his movements, kissing one burnt mark after the other. He knew that there was nothing in the world that could fix that, but at least giving a kiss onto each one would at least make it a little better. It had always worked when his ma did that to him. She always knew how to fix up with a kiss every time he got hurt. As Steve kissed the brunet, he could feel the remaining water from Bucky's bath touching his lips. He grabbed Bucky's towel and threw it across the room. Bucky looked up at Steve. He looked like a little lost puppy that just wanted to forget everything and go home to its mother before its too late. Steve moved his head between Bucky’s thighs. He noticed how bruised Bucky’s hips and groin was. It looked as if Bucky was hurt, as if someone had used him for rough sex, nothing much more. And they had just discarded him after they were done. But Steve wasn’t going to do that. He was going to be gentle and made sure that Bucky enjoyed it. He wanted to make sure that all of this would heal Bucky. If not wholly, partially was good enough. He was beginning to get bold. He had heard some of his school friends talking about how the girls would suck them off. He licked Bucky’s shaft with gentle strokes, from the bottom to the top. The wet stripes had allowed the bare skin on Bucky's cock feel the cold air that surrounded their atmosphere. He shivered a little. Steve had already started sucking Bucky when the brunette moaned. He started moving faster, his head bobbing forward and backward, his hair moving in the same direction when he saw how it made Bucky squirm. His tongue parted the slit that was slowly leaking with precum, tasting the liquid slowly. He saw how Bucky's face changed, losing control over some little punk that looked a bit like a dame, that was sucking every inch of him without even losing his own cool. He's never imagined seeing Steve like this, no, because Steve was too pure, too holy for all of this. Bucky's hand clasped the blonde hair tightly, holding Steve's face in the right place. “Ngghh... God, Steve. Th-that’s great. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.” Bucky had begged him. And Steve didn’t bother to stop either. He just continued, increasing his speed until Bucky came. Only then he stopped, to swallow Bucky’s cum and lick off whatever that was spilled. His fingers wiped off the excess fluid off his chin and pushed in back into his mouth. He licked his finger when he was done. "Who are you and what have you done to Steve Rogers?" Steve just gave out a small chuckle. He became conscious after a while and started turning all beet root red again. Bucky then got up. "Do you trust me?" "I-I t-trust you." He bent Steve low enough so that he could reach him easily. He was a bit curious though. He knew what it was like to have a dick in him, to be fucked in every damn position even when he was pretty sure he didn't want it. But fucking another man was a whole new thing to him. He knew that this was probably a first to the both of them and Bucky wanted to make sure that it was a first that Steve would never forget. He got off the bed, and came back to the room with some Vaseline rubbed between his fingers. He started by pushing in one finger. Steve squirmed when he felt something foreign entering him. Seconds later, he felt another finger entering him. This time it had hurt a little bit. "Can you take another one in?" "Umm..." Steve couldn't make out any words, not when his teeth was biting into his lower lip. Bucky then placed his third finger into Steve, slowly, but it was already enough to make Steve ungodly noises. Bucky found that to be very sexy. He would move the fingers in and out, hoping to prepare him for what he had in mind. He had his cock was directly aimed at Steve’s hole. After pulling out the three fingers, and without any hesitation, Bucky had thrust himself into Steve. He moved a little, trying to adjust the cock into Steve's hole. Letting Steve get used to the feeling of getting his hole all filled up. The icy cold water on Bucky's body burned against Steve's bare, raw skin. “Bucky.” Steve had yelped when Bucky entered him for the first time. It felt as if something huge had thick had been put into his hole. Bucky remembers doing girls, making them call out his name. Most of them referred to him as James. But being called Bucky, in such a needy manner, oh, how it did things to him. He was pretty sure that Steve's voice always sounded so masculine and righteous, and how it never seemed to fit his body. But now, Bucky wasn't complaining. The blonde moaned whenever Bucky went in and out of him, his balls slapping against Steve's ass. It sounded so obscene, filthy even. "Fuck.. yeah... oh... Bucky... Faster!" Steve would have screamed it as loud as he wanted to, but he had to control himself. Didn't want to let the neighbours talking, you see. "Gotta. Be. Patient. Babydoll."Bucky wasn't gonna end all this easily. He breathed at Steve's nape and continued to place sloppy kisses all over his neck. Steve was getting hard and Bucky moved one of his hand over him. He rocked his body forward and back while his hand was stroking Steve’s cock at the same time. He liked this, he liked seeing Steve like this. He liked the feeling of ruining something so pure and virginal especially something as good and holy as Steven Grant Rogers. But the way Steve keeps on taking his dick in his ass like a good slut seemed to make Bucky into a fucking mess. “Oh Bucky. That feels good. Mmmm... God. Bucky.” Steve moaned. “It’s okay Stevie. You made me feel good. It’d only be fair if I make you happy too.” “Oh Fuck!” Steve said hoarsely as he came. His fingers clenched into the bedspread, his head pressed onto the bed with so much pleasure. Seconds later, Bucky had released his load into Steve. Everything was quick. It wasn't like they had so much of practice fucking anyone. They couldn't control control their orgasms and it was just normal for people of their age. They were just amateurs but at the end of the day, it was a good fuck. Everything was just too sticky though. They were sweating heavily as if the both of them had just accomplished a marathon. Steve had lost his virginity to his best friend and that, somehow, made Steve happy. Bucky moved his lips against Steve’s neck again, but this time, he bit him long and slow enough, until his skin was sore. There would be an awfully embarrassing mark at his neck and Steve had to make sure that no one would notice it. He then turned the older man and faced him. Both of them were already tired. Their eyes were already giving out on them. ~ Steve woke up half and hour later only to realise that the older man had been watching him sleep for at least 10 minutes. Steve curled himself and cuddled Bucky. His head was on Bucky’s chest and had placed his right hand over Bucky’s body, touching him slowly. Bucky had placed his left hand on Steve’s head and tousled with his hair. They lied down like that for what that seemed like eternity. “These burnt marks…,” Steve trailed off Bucky had turned his head to the other side. “I want to know.Please.” “My dad. He used to do that when I was a kid. He did this to me when ma died. He would chain me to a metal bar to make sure I wouldn’t run. And if I made too much of noise, he would try to break my hand. He even succeeded a few times.” “But your dad died ages ago. These ones are fresh.” Steve pointed to the blue black marks that were still healing. “I fell.” “Bucky, I know when you’re lying.” Bucky sighed. How was he going to explain to Steve that the loan shark that he borrowed money from had beaten him up for not paying up on time? He couldn’t tell that to Steve. It would break his heart. "Fine if you don’t want to tell me how got those, at least tell me about these. And don’t you fucking dare tell me that you forgot. It’s so fresh, it could have only be a eight to ten hours old at most.” Bucky knew he couldn’t lie anymore. Sooner or later Steve would find out. “The old ones were from the thugs that were sent, as a reminder that I didn’t pay the money that I owe some guy.” Bucky paused. “And the one near your dick? Those string marks on your wrists?” “I can’t.” “Can’t or won’t?” Steve’s voice slightly sterner now and he sat upright, looking at Bucky, expecting answers. “Both.” “I need to know.” “You don’t have the right to.” “Yes, if it involves money that you’re spending on me.” There was a small pause. “I also owe my boss some money. He said that I had to pay him fast or he’d fire me. I had no other choice.” "What did he do?” Bucky had never seen Steve being so overprotective before. Steve was like this when he stood up for something, but he didn’t feel the need to have Steve stand up for him. He was a big boy now. He was a man. “He uses me.” “You mean he makes you pay back the money you owe by forcing you to fuck him?” Bucky didn’t answer, avoiding eye contact. “Tell me.” Bucky didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to talk about how he was forced to do something he wasn’t willing. He didn’t want to go over the details of him crying out Steve’s name when he was in pain. ”Please, I need to know. I want to understand what you're going through , Buck.” "I just don't want to talk about it.” Bucky's voice broke. He couldn’t look Steve in the eye anymore. He kept on remembering every single thing that happened to him when he was under his boss’s control. The words hurled at him, the emotions that he had felt, the pain, every single damn thing. Steve finally understood why Bucky was coming home late. He hid head under his shoulders, like he was hiding away or protecting himself from the world. "I'd understand if you don't want to do this anymore. Bucky knew that no one ever wanted anything that was used and broken. Nobody would have wanted to fall in love in with someone as damaged as he was, and Bucky knew that it was the truth. “Buck, it's okay. It’s gonna be alright. This doesn't change the fact that I still love you, okay?” He touched Bucky’s hand, slowly matched them as if they were two sides of a broken puzzle. He kissed Bucky’s forehead and laid his weary head onto Bucky's chest. Steve felt that it was his turn to protect Bucky now, from Bucky himself. They were both naked, so close to each other. The only thing that separated and protected them from the outside world was the blanket that they had used to cover themselves. Chapter End Notes The phrase 'keep bleeding love' is symbolic to how Bucky is willing to get himself hurt for Steve. He bleeds; as in he is sacrificing his own needs for his best friend. He doesn't mind being abused by his boss if that gets him the money to look after himself and Steve. Steve is probably gonna try his best to help Bucky, but I'm not sure myself of how far it's gonna be any good for Bucky. I just feel like i want give him long hugs and cuddle with Bucky. I'm sorry for being such a mean person. ***** Chapter 6 ***** Chapter Summary “No, you are going to punish me. You’re going to punish me, right?” “Bucky, no. I’m not going to do that. It’s not your fault.” Bucky didn’t care what Steve had said. He tried to put on the restrains on the medical chair that he was seated on, only to realise that he had busted them earlier. He started to panic. His punishment was going to be severe. He laid down onto the chair, shaking. “I’ll be quiet. I won’t scream. I promise.” Chapter Notes Song for this chapter will be Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson x See the end of the chapter for more notes Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye. Present day Avengers Tower Once Clint had placed the unconscious assassin on Tony’s sofa, Steve had ran to his aid. His gaze was fixed on the older man. But Steve wasn’t fully oblivious to the things happening around him either. He could hear Tony shouting at Natasha. It was a first. No one ever yelled at Natasha, and Tony himself knew too well not to mess with the Russian. But ironically, Natasha made no noise, quietly accepted Tony’s remarks only to be stood up for by Clint. “Are you nuts? You bring a psychopathic serial killer into my place without consulting me? And you know what’s even worst? You brought him here in hopes that the only person that could put him down wasn’t here!” “Look here, Tony. Nat had her reasons. If you’re going to yell at us the whole day, fine, just do it. Neither of us is going to give a damn.” Clint retaliated only to be calmed down by Natasha. “Tony. You have to understand. I know you weren’t there, but I can tell this man over here meant something important both to me and Steve." “No, you don’t get it.I know that he means something to Steve. But what if he tried to kill one of us? He works for Hydra and he can’t differentiate right from wrong. And you expect me to risk all that? I might be reckless, but I ain’t stupid.” There was a silence. Tony had a point. But Natasha and Clint had found him like that, not moving, not being a threat. He could have been unconscious for days, and no one would have even known about it. “Where did you find him?” Steve had asked sternly, he did not move an inch from where he had knelt, nor did he move his gaze from the man that was on the couch. “We were raiding an old Hydra base, when we found him. He was lying unconscious on the floor, surrounded by some dead bodies, Hydra scientists probably.” “What were you doing there Bucky?” He asked in slow, nearly untraceable, sympathetic voice, while running his fingers into the other man’s long, brown hair, in a flow with until it had reached the tip of the hair strands. “We should get someone to have a look on him. I’m calling Banner.” Tony stated. He was trying to move away from Bucky as far as he could. He was afraid of him. Everyone was, actually. Except for Steve. ~ “He’s gonna be alright. He’s been into shock, and he’d wake up within a few more hours. As long as he is given enough food once he wakes up, he’d have a full on recovery.” Bruce tried to sound as convincing as he could. “Oh, thank God.” Steve was relieved. Bucky was going to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright. Meanwhile, Bruce was trying to figure out how he was going to inform Steve about the bad shape that Bucky is in. How was he gonna tell Steve that his best friend was poked around with, like some lab rat in a science experiment gone wrong. “Steve,” Bruce addressed him a while later when he was ready to talk about Bucky. “I need to talk to you about something.” He motioned to Steve to move closer to Bucky by walking towards the chair that Bucky was laid on. He looked at Steve in a soft, sympathetic way, showing that he really cared about Steve and his friend. “Is something the matter, Bruce?” “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t think he is 100% human.” “What?!” “At first I couldn’t believe that he had survived without food for so long. His digestion track was practically empty. And that is biologically unnatural for a normal human being. So, out of curiosity I did a comparison of his DNA to a few other ordinary people. I expected a few enhancements but it was more than that. His genes were modified in extreme measures and it was somewhat similar to yours.” “I don’t understand.” “He’s a super soldier. The reason he isn’t dead right now is because his body had gone into a hibernation mode. I’ve never seen anything like it actually. Other than you of course. You survived being frozen for seventy years and that is due to the serum that you received. And judging from all the half healed needle wounds, I can assume that he was given jabs that were almost as similar as your serum. Both of you have cancerous cells, that is what aids your rapid healing factor, your super strength, your super speed, memory and every other superior sensory skills that you have. For you, it’s somehow, rather controlled. But Bucky’s cells are in a bad shape. They’re unstable .” “Go on.” Here, I’ll show it to you. Take a look at these cells.” Bruce, pointed to Steve in the direction of the microscope. Steve placed his right eye into the eyepiece. “I’m going to show you three slides containing body cells. The first one belongs to Clint. Don’t tell him that,” Steve looked at Bruce in disbelief, as if he was judging Bruce for using Clint’s DNA without his consent. Bruce raised his eyebrows. “What?” “Nothing.” Steve answered. But as a doctor, Bucky was more important, he was a patient. And his duty as a physicist was to help his patients in any way possible. Steve took a good look at Clint’s cells. Steve wasn’t really good with science and all, but he remembers a few things from his days back in school. The cells were in normal shape. “These are your cells.” Again, Steve looked at them in detail. He had never seen his own cells after the serum and to compare it with Clint’s, his own cells looked bigger and clearer. He could see how fast his cells reacted with the food particles. He could see how the small amount of hemoglobin turned dark red from its bright color faster than Clint’s- his rate of respiration was high. Everything with his cells were the same of Clint’s, except the fact that they were designed for a different purpose. “Okay, this is the final slide. The sample from Bucky.” It was horrible. That was the first thing that came into Steve’s mind. His cells were cloudy. They divided non-stop, twice as fast as that of Steve. His cells were constantly vibrating, especially at the cell membrane, as if they were radioactive. His cells took in oxygen way faster than Steve. And within minutes after dividing, the cells died. Something was terribly wrong. It was as if Bucky was some kind of mutant. He was deadlier than Steve, he was a better super soldier, but it was somehow a failure. His body wasn’t working as well as Steve’s. Steve’s serum was perfection. He was the equivalent of a good scientist and a careful research. But Bucky wasn’t. Bucky was torn apart into pieces without any mercy and put back together again. Everything in him made him a better soldier, but his own personal health was not taken into consideration. He’d be a good soldier, a good weapon that took orders like a champion, but unlike Steve, he was in a mess. “So what’s gonna happen to him?” “I don’t know. The worst case scenario is that he might die.” Steve twitched his lips. “Is there anything that you can do to help him?” “Steve, I don’t have the right technology to handle this. And even if I did, I don’t understand how his body works, how it will react with other chemicals. Not to mention, anyone from Hydra who knows their way around it is probably dead or can’t be trusted.” Bruce stared at Steve. It was only after 2 hours of waiting that Steve had a final confirmation that Bucky was truly alive. And not in some bullshit coma. “AARGH!” There was a sudden shout that turned both their attention to the medical chair. Bucky had woken up. He was shirtless. His hands were tied but he managed to break free. He looked at his hands, first at the fleshy one, and then at the metal one. He looked around and saw data, more data. Computers. He saw a blonde man approaching him. He remembered the man. He remembers saving the younger man from drowning. “How are you feeling?” The blonde man asks him. He just gave a blank stare at the man. He didn’t know what to answer. Hydra never did take his health condition into the reports. This was something new for the Asset. All he had to do was to complete the mission, and he would be frozen again. “Hey.” The man spoke again. This time, the man’s smile was symmetrical and was partially showing his white teeth. There were obvious crow’s feet near his eyes. Bucky had interpreted that the smile that this man offered was genuine. Steve gave Bucky some time to react, but when five minutes had passed and Steve wasn’t getting any response, Steve felt the urge to take the next step. He placed his hand on Bucky’s arm, the metal one. “NOOO!!” Bucky pulled his arm back from Steve. He moved backwards, further from Steve. Steve was shocked. He didn’t expect that from Bucky. Bucky looked down. He didn’t have any eye contact with Steve. He looked away. “It’s okay. M’ not gonna hurt you.” Steve assured. He moved closer. Took a chair and sat down beside Bucky. Bucky would try to look at Steve but he was afraid. What if all of this was a trap to test his obedience? He had gone through this before. And he wasn’t ready to face the punishments and the consequences all over again. “It’s okay, you can look at me.” Steve said convincingly, He knew exactly how frightened Bucky was. The way Bucky had tried to not look at Steve somehow made him understand that this was how Bucky was programmed. Bucky had no power and he was trained to take orders. He was reduced to the level of a slave. “My name is Steve. What’s your name?” Steve wanted to know more about the Winter Soldier. He had known Bucky all his life and if he wanted to cure him, it would be by reaching out to his alter ego. The person that he was now. Only then he could save his best friend. There was a small silence before Bucky answered. “Asset. Or Soldier. That’s what they would call me. I don’t have a real name.” Bucky had answered with his head held low. “Is it okay if I call you Bucky?” The soldier nodded. He knew had no other option than to agree. For all he’d know, this Steve guy could be working for Hydra. But Steve had a look that no one in the facility had ever given him. It managed to make Bucky feel safer than he ever was in Hydra’s hands. It was the look of kindness. A look of hope. Bucky’s stomach growled. He looked at his tummy. His hand pressed against his stomach out of reflex. He had been hungry so many times before and this wasn’t any different. But when he saw Steve looking at his reaction, he moved his hand away. "Would you like something to eat?” There wasn’t any reply. "How about pizza or spaghetti? My friend Tony knows the best Italian diner in town. He can bring you some food. Or if you want something homemade, I can whip up anything you can think of.” “I don’t eat.” “Everybody eats.” Steve says. Bucky raised his left arm towards Steve. “The other men used to give me IV.” Steve looked at Bruce. He hoped that Bruce had some answers on what to do. “Steve I’m not sure if regular food would be good for him. He’s probably not used to it.” Bruce paused. “But, we can’t keep giving him intravenous treatment. He needs to learn how to rely on normal food. Something organic for starters.” Bucky listened attentively to what the shorter man was saying. From his words, Bucky had assumed that the man was probably a doctor. This wasn’t usual though. Back then, there would be at least three doctors watching his every move, recording his every reaction in detail. “Bucky, I can’t do what the other men did to you. I’m here to help you, okay. Hold on, I’ve got an idea. Wait here.” Steve stormed into Stark’s kitchen, only to return with a few apples and oranges in his hand. “Here, take this.” Bucky took an apple from Steve. He looked at the red fruit as if he had never seen it in his life. He ran his fingers over the smooth texture of the fruit, only to look clueless again. “You bite the fruit, chew it and swallow it.” Bucky did as he was ordered. It wasn’t hard for him to bite the fruit or chew it despite it being a foreign sensation. It was only a trouble when he tried to swallow it. It was as if he was pushing down, jamming a solid metal box down his throat. He had to put so much of effort into making sure that the food went down his oesophagus. He had to remind himself on the steps for the first few bites, but after a while he got the hang of it. Within two minutes, he had eaten 3 apples. He was extremely hungry. He hadn’t eaten had any source of glucose in days, months, probably. Who knew? Bucky didn’t count the days either. Bucky was about to eat the orange when he felt his stomach twisting. He felt nauseous. ~ “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, sir.” “It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’ll clean it up.” Bucky had puked out all the apples that he had eaten. Visually, it wasn’t appealing. It just consisted of chewed up, half digested food covered in mucus. “No, you are going to punish me. You’re going to punish me, right?” “Bucky, no. I’m not going to do that. It’s not your fault.” Bucky didn’t care what Steve had said. He tried to put on the restrains on the medical chair that he was seated on, only to realise that he had busted them earlier. He started to panic. His punishment was going to be severe. He laid down onto the chair, shaking. “I’ll be quiet. I won’t scream. I promise.” “It’s okay. I’m not gonna punish you. I’m not one of them.” He looked at Steve. He’d hope that Steve wasn’t telling the truth. Because if he wasn’t gonna punish him now, that could only mean one thing. He would punish the asset privately. Oh, the things that some of them made him do, the things he remembers from those secret punishments. It made Bucky even more frightened. Bucky had no right to ask Steve for anything. He has been kind to him from the moment he woke up. He didn’t wanna upset the man by asking him for favours. He didn’t want to ask him to punish him now. He didn’t want to reduce his punishment. He would gladly take any form of torture as long as it mattered. He felt that deserved the punishment for causing Steve so much of trouble. “There, there. Look, it’s all clean.” Steve had cleaned the floor, the mess that Bucky made. Bucky didn’t look. He just waited. He looked up at the ceiling, like he always used to. It was calming for him, to see something so white and pure and blank. “Hey, it’s okay. You can sit up. You don’t have to be afraid of me.” Bucky followed his orders. Steve had cut the oranges into slices and gave them to Bucky to eat. Bucky would have refused. However, he ate them, just like how Steve wanted. The process was repeated several times, until Bucky had stopped puking. Only then, Bucky was eating better. He wasn’t so scared of putting food into his mouth anymore, but you still could see him wondering, what if he made the same mistake of puking out the food that he has eaten. What if Steve had gotten impatient with him? What if Steve was to snap out and was to punish him? His shuddered at the very thought of it. When Bucky had stopped vomiting, Steve was happy. Bruce had considered it as the pioneer step into recovery. “Bucky, you’re gonna need a bath.” The truth was that Steve didn’t like the condition that Bucky was in. He looked like a homeless man, who no one had cared for. His hair had a strong smell of blood, his body was sticky, probably due to the sweat, accumulated over the years. His body didn’t smell nice, didn't smell like how Steve remembered it to be. It was all the smell of old gunpowder and stale blood. He just smelled bad. Steve remembers the old days, when they were kids. His ma would bathe them together. They wouldn’t look at each other naked, as kids. It was embarrassing enough to be stark naked in front of your best friend, and to actually look at each other was a another thing by itself. He remembers the first time that he really observed the older man’s body. He remembers the first time they had been doing it. Having sex. He remembered everything he did with Bucky. But Bucky didn’t know a single damn thing about the blonde stranger that was leading the way to the bathroom. All Bucky knew was he had this strong feeling to protect the man. He had defied his orders for this man. And that made him question things. He had gone to the Smithsonian museum so many times, trying to find out who James Buchanan Barnes was, who Steve Rogers was. But all he got were just fragments of images, pictures that would appear in short bursts. Many of them were people who he didn’t recognise. But Bucky still wasn’t sure. It could have been Hydra. Hydra could have inserted him with false memories. They could have done anything to him and he wouldn’t know. “Is it okay if I trim your hair? Get you shaved?” Bucky didn’t answer. He didn’t know how he’d look like if he was neat. Barnes had looked nice with his hair short and being cleaned shaven. He nodded after thinking about it for a while. The scissors worked their way up until the Winter Soldier looked more like Bucky Barnes. Steve also used one of those shavers to remove all of Bucky’s unattended facial hair. After that, Steve had asked Bucky to get naked. Bucky had done what he had said. He placed Bucky in a bathtub full of nice, warm water. He remembers Bucky loving the idea of immersing himself in that luxury. Bucky had sat quietly and Steve washed his hair in shampoo. Steve would try to apply soap onto him, but every time Steve did that, he had pulled away from him. He didn’t do it on purpose. It was out of reflex. The Asset never actually liked baths. Baths were usually where the pain would begin. He remembers how Mr. Lukin had treated him in the showers. He remembers Mr. Rumlow doing stuff that he didn’t like especially, when he was bathing. Generally, he hated baths because of the bad memories that he has of them. But this man wasn’t like them. He was soft and gentle. His touch were, as if, they had some healing factor to it. But he remembered that everyone was nice to him at first. Only then they would turn the trust that he had towards them against him. He had learned to live with that fact now. Steve noticed the scars on Bucky’s body. There were just too many scars that healed partially. There were always dark bruises that proved all the pain that he has underwent. The burnt marks from his childhood were still visible. His scars never healed completely like Steve’s, despite being a super soldier himself. Steve remembers Bucky having strands of hair on his chest, but now, his chest was bare and empty. Bucky’s body was skinny, too thin for Steve. His bones were prominent. He didn’t look like he was dying of starvation or famine, but Steve just wasn’t used to that image. Mostly it was because the blonde was the skinny one during the old times. Bucky still had muscles, muscles that were larger than what he had back then before becoming the Asset, but Steve still felt that Bucky was thin. Bucky would shiver every time Steve touched him. He remembers how Bucky used to love his touch and how it has all changed now. Bucky is afraid of him and it hurts Steve in ways that no one can imagine. Would you even be able to picture your best friend, your lover to fear you, to worry that you might hurt them? The image of them trying to move away from you because they don’t want to be attached anymore? Them being afraid that they might hurt you back? It was painful, for both parties. All that Bucky was given to wear was a loose t-shirt and some baggy sweatpants. It was comfortable, way more comfortable than the uniform that he had been wearing for the past 70 years anyway. Chapter End Notes Thanks so far to all those who gave kudos and comments. You guys are my biggest inspiration to continue writing. For those who are wondering why I chose this song, it is because Bucky is 'already gone'. He is no longer the same person Steve remembers him. Bucky doesn't remember a single thing. And it hurts Steve to know that between both of them, only Steve knows their dreams and hopes. And there's a part in this song that kinda gets to me all the time; It started with the perfect kiss then We could feel the poison set in "Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive. Their relationship was a poison, it was wrong. But like every perfect love story, they were enchanted by a kiss. And now, its all gone. Thanks for the kudos and the comments! ***** Chapter 7 ***** Chapter Summary “So who’s the hunk? Is he your boyfriend or something?” “ What? NO! We’re just friends.” “Oh really? Then why are you blushing?” “I-I..” Steve stammered. He didn’t know what to answer. Surely he couldn’t tell anyone that he was fucking his best friend. The society didn’t accept that kind of things. Chapter Notes when I was typing out this chapter, I felt sad that people back then weren't much accepted they are as today. I mean we all see cases of people being judged for being who they are even in these modern times and it hurts even more to know that it was worse in the past. To anyone reading this, I just want to tell you that you are beautiful no matter who you are and you don't have to conform to society. This chapter's song would be Lee Dewyze's Beautiful Like You. x See the end of the chapter for more notes You know that I never gonna stop, stop, stop your love. Let's pretend that the world is waking up. Everything that we see is beautiful, Like you. Early December Brooklyn, New York Autumn was coming to an end. And that meant only one word for Steve. Cold. The breeze, or the way Steve puts it, icy cold wind, had always sent shivers down his spine. There would be an influx of orangey red leaves that floated around the atmosphere at that very season. Steve used to collect those leaves when he was a kid, kept them in thick old books that his mom used to have. The leaves would be pressed and if not wholly, nearly flat. He’d give them away as presents to Bucky, who’d used them as his bookmarks. Eventually, the leaves would dry off, breaking away like fragile butterfly wings. But that was a matter of the past. And Steve knows too well to not dwell on matters of the past and of those which meant too much for the heart. Steve zipped up his old navy blue jacket that he had been wearing since he was 14. He had put on his gloves, wore thick boots, and had a purple scarf covering his neck. He wore a hat. Bucky had pestered Steve to wear thick wooly clothes to his way to work, after Steve had opened out the matter to him. Steve told him about his job, after he had gotten ill that time, only a week after he had lost his virginity to his friend. His body temperature was way above his ‘normal’ fever temperature. His face had turned into beet root red, and he was ever so tired. He couldn’t move around and had just lain in bed for the whole day. Bucky felt guilty. He felt that it was his entire fault that Steve had gotten ill. He didn’t have the slightest clue that his actions, his deepest, darkest desire would hurt Steve so much, because if he knew, he wouldn't have had sex with Steve. It was during that exact moment of desperation that Steve had told Bucky about the extra money that he had from going to work. He had about 17 dollars with him. At first Bucky was furious, but the thought that the money could help Steve just pushed his anger aside. Normally, the money that Bucky had earned wouldn’t even suffice for the prescription. But with that amount of money, Bucky could get a doctor to check on Steve. He rushed out, and was back within half an hour, along with Dr. Erskine. The doctor was an old family friend of the Barnes and Rogers. He used to live in the same block with them, back when Bucky and Steve were just kids who played with each other. He used to tend to Bucky when he was sick, and was a nice man and he had always cared for his patients. The doctor sat beside Steve, and pressed his hands against Steve’s forehead. He had a gentle smile on his face that made his aging and wrinkled face look kind. He placed a thermometer into Steve’s mouth carefully, making sure to avoid any contact between Steve’s teeth and the bulb of the thermometer. “Hey there, kid. How are you feelin’?” “Better than this morning,” Steve lied. He felt as if his entire body was going to melt, like wax on a candle that was lit up on fire. He could feel the heat coming from his inside, within his body. It was almost unbearable. Then, the doctor checked under Steve’s eyes. When that was done, he proceeded to ask Steve to open his mouth wide. “Say aaaaaaahhhhh.” Steve did as he was ordered despite feeling a little bit unsatisfied because the doctor was treating him as if he was a child. Steve sat up when the doctor asked him to, so that the doctor could check Steve’s heartbeat with his stethoscope. His heartbeat was a little abnormal due to the small hole in his heart. But other than that, Steve was fine. “Did you forget to eat any of your medications? As a matter of fact, he did. Steve had completely forgotten about his pills. He was too busy drawing and working that he had forgot to take his medicines. Steve nodded. He felt so foolish. “You make sure that this young man over here takes his medication daily. And make sure he takes this too. This will give him a speedy recovery.” He told Bucky in a serious tone. Bucky thanked the physician repeatedly after paying him, as if it were a part of a mantra. “Hey.” Bucky kneeled next to Steve after he had sent away Dr. Abrahams. “Bucky, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to put you into a lot of trouble. I just...” “So, do you understand now why I told you to not go to work?” Bucky asked in stern tone. Steve didn’t answer. He was both ashamed and sad. All he wanted to do was to help Bucky. But at the end of the day, he just made it worse. He felt like a complete good-for-nothing, screw up. He looked up at Bucky with guilt. “But, the work wasn’t the reason. It was purely my fault that I forgot my meds.” “Well, how did you forget?” “I was doing my wo-" Steve was at a lost for words. Bucky was right. Steve felt that he didn’t know how to manage himself without making a scene. He couldn’t even complete any simple task without harming himself. Well, some did say that Steve was stubborn. “It’s okay Steve. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You take some rest. We'll talk about this later, okay?" With a sigh, Steve nodded reluctantly. He didn't want to have this conversation, but they both knew it was bound to happen at some point. He lay back down, and waited for troubled sleep to come ~ When Steve woke up, he was surprised to see that things had gone back to normal, at least temporarily. It was the calm of the storm for now, but once Steve got better, that was the real trouble. And Steve wasn't known to back down. Within only a few days Steve was surprisingly alright again. During the past days, he had realised, that, you don’t need any drugs to make you feel better. Hope was all that you needed. If you believed that nothing is wrong and everything was gonna be alright, it would eventually end that way. It just depended on you, on your own mentality. Steve couldn’t just stay at home and do nothing. He had a job that he loved. Drawing has always been his passion, and it will always be. Bucky had loved Steve’s sketches, especially when they were kids. Steve used to show him every single thing that he drew or crafted with his bare hands. But lately, he stopped showing them to Bucky. He knew Bucky would've loved to see them, but Bucky was always tired when he came home and he would just go to sleep after having dinner. He didn’t want to disturb Bucky. Bucky needed some rest too. That was his routine for at least two years now. But if Steve went to work, that meant that Bucky could get some days off. And Steve could get his art recognized. “I don’t give a damn that you’re angry. I’m going.” “Why are you so stubborn? Why won’t you just listen to me? It’s for your own good.” “You think I like it here, trapped in this old place that’s falling apart to pieces, every single day, doing nothing?” “So our home just sucks?” “That was not what I meant. I just want you to know that I am happier when I am at the comic book company. I can draw. People can see my art, reflect upon it, and that makes me happy.” Bucky pouted and remained silent. He looked away from Steve. He knew exactly how this conversation was going to end, and it wasn’t a good one. Someone has to give in and clearly Steve is not going to be the one. “Fine. You can go on doing whatever it is that you like.” Bucky stormed out of the room into the kitchen. He knew that he had no right to control Steve, even if it meant for his own good. Steve was his friend and he just wanted to keep Steve safe. But Steve should have his own free will. That was indeed something that Bucky believed in, as he believed that everyone should be able to make their own choices even if it meant making mistakes or being heartbroken, because that’s what life is all about. It’s about learning, living life to the fullest and being happy for whom you are. ~ They would wake up really early in the morning, when the moon was still shining dimly and the owls were hooting away in the starry sky. That was the only way he could get to walk Steve to the comic book company without being late to his own job. Bucky didn’t mind walking an extra mile or two just to make sure that his little Stevie reached work safely and ate his medications after his breakfast. The young waitresses at the diner would all flirt with Bucky. They knew that Bucky would be there with Steve every day. They made sure to ask Steve about Bucky and requested Steve to introduce them to his handsome friend. And Bucky was good at returning the side glances, thanking them with a charming smile and making sure that they noticed that he was checking them up. But Bucky was always staring at Steve whenever Steve wasn’t watching. And Steve, did the exact same. No one noticed, well except for Angie, the one that was genuinely kind to Steve. She approached Steve one day at the table that he was seated at, when Bucky had gone to the washroom. “So, who’s the hunk? Is he your boyfriend or something?” “What? NO! We’re just friends.” “Oh really? Then why are you blushing?” “I-I..” Steve stammered. He didn’t know what to answer. Surely he couldn’t tell anyone that he was fucking his best friend. The society didn’t accept that kind of things. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be ashamed of anything. The only thing that matters is that you love each other. And, don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone.” Steve faced down. He couldn’t look at the girl anymore. “H-how did y-you kn- know?” “You get all jealous when the other girls talk to him. I saw it in your eyes. At first I thought you were just unsatisfied that he gets more attention. But then I noticed how his face would glow like the sun when he was talking to you. And you think I didn’t notice how you guys kept on eyeing each other secretly? So it was clear you guys were lovebirds.” Steve blushed even harder this time. He didn’t know that there were actually people who were watching the way that the both of them had been when they were with each other, that there were people who still cared about how you looked at your lover. “Thanks for keeping Steve company, ma’am.” Bucky said after returning from the loo. “Oh, it was nothing.” She gave a wink to Steve before she moved away from the table, leaving both the lovers smiling to each other and looking at themselves. Bucky then turned to Steve. “Taken all the meds?” Yup.” ~ Angie waved at them while they left. She somehow felt sorry for the two. Things weren’t much different from where she came. Sure, being queer was wrong to the public, but deep down, she had an opinion. She had her own voice. She didn’t just follow the herd mentality. She believed that people should be allowed to love anyone and sexual orientation was just a matter of your own preference. In the evenings, Bucky would be waiting outside the company where Steve worked. He made sure to finish all his work earlier than his fellow colleagues at the dock just so that Steve wouldn’t have to wait for him so long. Love was a funny thing, you see. You’d sacrifice everything just to make sure the one that you loved was happy, to make sure that they were alright and eating enough. You’d even sacrifice your own life for them so that they would be safe and sound. Everything Bucky did for Steve just proved that he had loved him too much. And Steve knew that too, because he would do the exact same for Bucky. ~ Steve always nuzzled his nose against Bucky’s neck while hugging him from the back. It was comforting and something that Steve had enjoyed, especially the way how his lips were brushing against the nook of Bucky's nape in a soft manner. Bucky enjoyed being so close with Steve too, the feeling of having Steve embracing him even when it would have been perfectly normal for the more petite person to be the smaller spoon. Words couldn’t explain the emotion he felt whenever Steve flung his hands across his body, tugging a few strands of hair that covered his chest and occasionally breathing against the brunette's body. It was both a blessing and a curse, as it made Bucky feel so good and made him craving for more. Steve always liked being the bigger spoon. It felt as if he was covering Bucky from the dangers of the outside world, something that he could never physically accomplish. He was able to smell Bucky’s sweet scent, a musk that Steve never got tired of. It was nothing like flowers or artificial perfumes that was sold in stores. He smelled of sunshine and rainbows, like how Steve’s ma used to.It smelled of care and kindness. Steve placed his hand over Bucky’s hip. Slowly, he moved his hand against his torso, making sure that Bucky could feel his fingers running through his bare skin. Bucky just nudged Steve gently, moving away slightly, just enough that there was a little space between the both of them. It was something quite common now, after their first time. It was as if Bucky was pushing Steve away, abstaining himself from being too close with Steve. Steve let Bucky have his time, well, it was totally understandable for Bucky to have second thoughts about this, about their relationship. But to tease Steve, taunt him by letting the blonde to touch him passionately only to move away as if he didn't want this, wasn't something that Steve wanted. And sure enough, Steve couldn't take it anymore. If Bucky didn't want to continue with any of this, then he should spill it out. At least it would hurt a lot less than this, Steve thought. “What the hell is wrong with you? You keep pushing me away every time I get close to you. I thought you liked it. I thought you loved being with me.” He demanded one day. Steve sat up after trying to get close to Bucky. He spoke in a serious tone as he was disappointed. Bucky has been doing the same thing every time Steve touched him and he didn’t understand why Bucky was pulling himself away from Steve. He was afraid that Bucky didn’t want him anymore. Bucky mirrored Steve’s position, getting up and looking at Steve directly in his eyes. “ I’m sorry. It’s just… I’m afraid that I’m gonna hurt you again. The last time we did it, you got sick and I can’t bring myself to do that to you again.” Steve was silent. He knew that Bucky cared for him, but he never thought that Bucky would decline all his own needs just to make Steve safe. “You’ll never hurt me, Buck. I know that you never will.” Steve placed a kiss on Bucky’s forehead, resting his left hand on Bucky’s hair. Bucky closed his eyes at the contact. "I want this, Buck. It's not exactly right and all, but it sure does feel good. I understand if ya don't want to do this, cause I get it if ya were just experimentin' and all, but if that's true, I just want ya to look me in the eye and tell me that ya don't want this. I'll stop everything and we can pretend like none of this happened, hell, I can move out if you want me to." Bucky only gave out a faint whisper. "No." "Bucky?" "I don't want this to end." "You sure?" "I wanted this for so long." "Can I kiss you?" Steve asked after a while. He looked into Bucky's eyes longingly, expressing every inch of desire that had built up in his system. Bucky nodded as he maintained his gaze on Steve's eyes. Steve took that as a yes, hovered his body over Bucky, moved his head downwards as he plunged into the brunette's mouth. His hand held Bucky's head in place, before running through the strands of his hair, gently rummaging the brown tousled hair. Bucky on the other hand moved his hand over Steve's back, feeling the twist of his spine and the baby smooth skin that was often so easily bruised. Steve's tongue made its way through Bucky's lips, exploring every inch of the moist texture at the back of his mouth. They were still young, and their passion for each other was strong. Steve only let go of Bucky after a whole two minutes of kissing. Bucky was still panting when Steve had let go of him. "St-Steve... I need y-you to.." "You want me to?" "I want you to tell me what to do." Steve looked a little bit shocked, but his shocked demeanor was quickly replaced by a sly grin. If Bucky wants to be controlled, Steve's gonna just do exactly that. “Lie down” “What? “Lie the fuck down, James.” Bucky did as he was ordered. Steve never called him James, and the fact that he did now, made him sound so bossy and controlling. He liked that. He laid himself on the bed while Steve moved towards his legs. “Spread your legs.” Bucky wasn’t used to seeing Steve being all dominant and all. It was Bucky who was the muscular one, the one that made sure that Steve was alright and all. Sure, between the both of them, Bucky was the one who loved science fiction and was the straight A’s student while Steve was the one who picked fights with everyone. But Steve never did show any of his dominance to Bucky or anyone else. “Didn’t you hear me?” Bucky did as he was asked.Scratch that. Bucky did as he was ordered. Steve placed his head between Bucky’s legs and started teasing the older man. He licked the sides of Bucky’s cock, circling the head in swirls. Occasionally, he would stop and look at Bucky, leaving him begging Steve for more. “Oh God, Steve. Don’t stop. Please.” Steve pulled his mouth away from the full erection that was right in front of him. He only had gone down on Bucky for a maximum of 3 minutes and Bucky was already trembling like a little school girl. “You want me to suck your cock?” Bucky nodded upon hearing the question. “Now why would I do that?” Steve was getting all bitchy. His finger touched the tip of bulbous head, wiping precum that was leaking from its slit. He licked his finger clean while looking at Bucky lustily. “God, Steve. Don’t do this to me. Please,I’m begging you.” Steve popped the dick into his mouth only to take it out again after one suck. He stopped for a moment just to see how Bucky would react, smirking at the same time. He liked being in charge, especially being in charge of his Bucky. "St-stevie, please. I need this. I need you." “Well, since you asked so nicely…” Steve’s words were muffled by the sound of him going down onto Bucky. He picked up his pace again. “Steve baby,... you’re so good at this. I feel that I’m going to come any minute. Oh Fuck!... Yeah, just like that ba-babydoll." Steve looked up at Bucky every time he took the whole length in his throat. His eyes fluttered, teared up a little, taking out the cock just before his gag reflex kicked in. He could feel Bucky tensing up, saw how the brunette curled up his toes as he approached his climax. “Fuck!” Steve was careful enough to make sure that he didn’t get any of Bucky’s cum in his mouth. He took it out right before Bucky exploded in him, leaving the sheets and Bucky's skin covered in his own cum. Steve wasn’t gonna give that privilege to Bucky, not for the moment at least. The sheets were already soaked. Bucky could feel the sticky wetness against his thighs. He was slightly embarrassed to see Steve grinning at him like Cheshire cat. Bucky pulled Steve down until their positions were switched. “Bucky? What do you think you’re doing!" Bucky didn’t bother to answer Steve’s question. He just did what he felt like doing. “Are you…? Fuck!” Steve could feel Bucky’s warm tongue sliding up and down his shaft. Steve was too sensitive down there. He knew that before, but being able to witness how his own body betrayed his commands and flinched every time he felt over stimulated, made him realise that he was far more sensitive than he ever thought he was. And Bucky was good at it too. He knew exactly how to pleasure a man. He would make sure to apply pressure everywhere. He’d rub his hands against Steve’s inner thigh, slowly and gently caressing them. He also paid attention to Steve’s balls, licking them, only to suck them after. In short, Bucky was a pro. Steve enjoyed every second that Bucky touched him, pleasured him. He enjoyed how Bucky had paid attention to him. Every touch that Bucky placed onto his body made him so open and vulnerable. And the sight of Steve coming was like ecstasy to Bucky. He loved watching Steve raising his body into an arch when he was at the tip of reaching an orgasm, his pink, round and hard nipples protruding out like tiny rose buds as he came right inside Bucky's mouth. ~ After that, Bucky just joined Steve, lying beside him. Being quiet. Talking nothing. No moving or turning around. Just being so close with each other. Bucky was facing the pillow. His hands were wrapped against his head. Steve on the other hand was laying upright, eyes fixed onto the ceiling. “One of the girls from the diner we always have our breakfast, Angie, you remember her?” “Um.” Bucky answered sleepily. “She asked me something today. She wanted to know if you were my boyfriend. “ “Tell her it’s none of her fucking business.” “Bucky!” Steve was slightly shocked at Bucky’s words. Bucky wouldn’t have said that to a dame, well at least not when he was fully awake to his senses. “Anyways, there’s something that I need to talk to you about." Bucky turned his body and faced Steve now. He noticed the worried look on Steve. He didn’t like any conversations that came up with that tone. He knew that there was trouble was ahead. Steve returned the gaze. “We can’t be so obvious about our relationship, Buck.” “Well, it’s not like I tell anyone I’m fucking my best friend or anything.” He smirked. “What I mean is that you keep staring at me and how I keep doing that too. I’ve heard you don’t look at girls the way you look at me. It’s just too obvious.” “Of course I don’t. I don’t love them dames as much as I love you.” “I love you too, but..” “Hey, I don’t care what the world is thinking, okay. I only care about us. About you.” Bucky was genuine about his feelings. He truly thought that people who felt that the love between Steve and him was disgusting can just go on and fuck themselves. “Date some girls. Bring them out for dinners and make them feel really special. At least for now. Sure, we’ll still be with each other, keep each other safe from the world, have sex and all, but at least people won’t be talking. And maybe,just maybe, when the world isn’t looking at us as if we’re terrible sinners, we can all stop pretending.” “Look here, Steve. I can’t change myself for the world.” “I’m not asking you to do it for them, I’m asking you for a favour that would keep us together. I wouldn’t ask you for this if only those dames would look at me the same way they look at you.” “Well, it’s their fault they’re missing a great guy like you. I only don’t understand why you would want to hide yourself from the world. It’s not like we’re hurting them or anything.” “I just want this to last forever, Buck. Until we die. And we can't do that if people already know about us." Chapter End Notes Love itself is a beautiful thing, even if it is unconventional or looked upon as some sort of taboo. In this case, the love between Steve and Bucky was beautiful but the world was just not ready for it. They only can pretend because that's the only way that they can survive. And they'll have to believe in the lie that someday, the world might just wake up and accept the fact that two men can actually fall in love. You can drop by at stuckyisbae.tumblr.com and we can become friends! ***** Chapter 8 ***** Chapter Summary “Back in the Red Room. He’s the reason why I got so good at what I do.” Everyone was shocked at Natasha's revelation. Even Bucky himself. He didn’t have any memory of the woman, but every inch of gut in his body told him that she was dangerous, and his actions were just an effect of what his mind had coordinated to keep Steve safe. Chapter Notes God, I suck at writing. Kudos to those who were patient to read through all this. Hoobastank - The reason x See the end of the chapter for more notes I'm sorry that I hurt you, It's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away, And be the one who catches all your tears. Present day. Avengers Tower. “This is for you.” Bucky handed a gun from his old suit to Steve. “What is this for?” “You need to put me down if I hurt you, or anyone else.” “Buck, I trust you. I know you won’t hurt me.” “It is a procedure that I am needed to comply. All my handlers are armed.” “I-I’m not your h-handler.” Steve didn’t understand what the last word had meant but he had a vague idea of what it could have meant. “I love-.” Steve stopped abruptly. He knew it would be unwise to let Bucky know about their relationship now. Maybe when he trusted Steve a little bit more, Steve would tell him. Or maybe Steve wouldn’t say a single thing and wait until he regains his own memory. Steve decided that the later was a better option as he didn’t want his Bucky to love him as if it were a part of his duty. “I’m your friend.” Steve said. “I care about your safety, sir.” “Please, stop calling me sir.” There was a time when Steve loved how Bucky would address him in that manner, when they had sex. But this time, Steve hated it, the way that Bucky downgrades himself to the level of a slave and hell, Steve didn’t like it one bit. “We’re all equal.” “Okay.” Bucky didn’t believe in what the blonde man said. He knew that he was lower than him. He was lower than everyone else, as that was what he was made to believe in. “You know what, follow me.” Steve said. Steve walked down his best friend from his room. He was going to introduce Bucky to the rest of the Avengers. He held Bucky’s hand like a girl on prom night, eager to show her date to all her friends. Natasha was sitting on the chair with her head slumping on Sam’s shoulder. Sam was just looking at the red headed Russian, slowly caressing her hair. They’ve been like that for days now, since Sam had admitted of having feelings towards her. And Natasha, oh boy, was she so happy. She had admired his work during Project Falcon, and things developed from there. Sam was a nice guy and Natasha had always liked nice guys. Clint was obviously jealous, he kept on eyeing the both of them, only to turn away when one of them had realized that he was watching them. Tony was talking to Rhodey and Bruce. They were both good listeners, and being able to listen to Tony ramble on was a good proof of their attentiveness. Steve came and stood in front of them while Bucky was hiding subtly behind the blonde. Natasha straightened up. Tony stopped talking. Everyone was paying attention to the 96 year old legend. The man behind Steve Rogers was equally as handsome as the blonde was. The man who looked like a homeless guy earlier that day had now transformed into what you’d call a male model with the face of Adonis and the body of a Greek God. His eyes were grey, lips were full. His neatly trimmed hair suited his prominent jaw and cheekbones. “Bucky, these are the Avengers. They are my friends, we kinda work together now.” Bucky took a step forward, but he was still slightly behind Steve. “Like the Howling Commandos?” “Exactly. You remember the Commandos?” There was a glimmer of hope in Steve's eyes. “Not really. I heard about them when I was at the Smithsonian.” “It’s okay.” Steve then proceeded to introduce them to Bucky one by one. “This is Clint, codename, Hawkeye. He’s a good tactician. He can aim a target with his arrows.” Clint woke up, approached Bucky to shake hands with him. At first, the brunette wasn’t sure what to do, but when Clint handed out his hand, he did the exact same. He’s seen how the doctors shook each other’s hand when they first meet. He assumed that it was the same case here, that this was a normal thing that humans do when they meet someone new. “This is Bruce. You remember him?” “He’s the doctor. He didn’t hurt me. He was nice to me. He’s a nice doctor.” Bucky answered in short sentences. Bruce smiled. He hasn’t heard people calling him something good for a long time now. Bruce was also slightly grateful that Steve didn’t tell Bucky about his ‘other side’. He wanted to look as gentle as he could, especially towards Bucky, so that Bucky wouldn’t be so afraid of him whenever Bruce was examining him. “This man here is Colonel James Rhodes. We all call him Rhodey. He’s Stark’s personal pilot, and best friend. He’s usually fighting battles in his armor, Iron Patriot. “I prefer War Machine. Has got more of a ring towards it.” The man chuckled. “Be a little realistic Rhodey. Capt’s obviously smitten over the word patriot.” Tony interrupted. All of them broke into a laughter. Except Bucky. He didn’t understand a single thing. He stood, just watching them. “I’m Tony Stark. Call me Tony. Oh, I almost forgot, I’m Iron Man. You know, that superhero that goes of blasting all those villains. Piewww! Piu! Pieewwww!” Tony made some sort of gun shooting sound effect, making some actions accompanying his words. “Stark? Stark... The name’s familiar. I don’t remember. But, I heard that name before.” “I’m Howard Stark’s son. Stark industries?” Bucky shook his head. He still couldn’t place the word. Steve moved on to Sam. “This is Sam.” “I remember him. I tore your wings. I had hurt you. I’m sorry.” “It’s cool. All is forgiven. Besides, I’ve gotta thank you, ‘cause that’s the reason I’ve got new improved wings.” Sam proceeded to shake Bucky’s hand with a genuine smile. “And finally, this is..” Steve didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence. Bucky didn’t flinch when he had grabbed Natasha by the neck. His actions were quick, like a snake, within a second. He would have crushed her throat. “BUCKY! STOP! LET HER GO! SHE’S ON OUR SIDE!” Steve shouted with all his might. He wasn’t ready to see his Bucky kill the best spy in the world. Bucky had let go of his grip and that caused Natasha to fall down onto the floor. He could hear the rest of them asking her if she was okay. And that included Steve. “I’m fine.” She answered calmly. “Bucky, why did you do that? You could have killed her. Are you out of your mind?” Steve lashed out at him. Bucky drew back, taking slow steps away from them. Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand roughly, not letting the asset to walk away in fear. Bucky felt that they were angry at him. He could see that everyone was looking at him, as if they were waiting for some kind of answer that would somehow justify his actions. “That’s enough Steve. He’s not to blame. I’m at fault.” The point of attention shifted to Natasha. “What do you mean?” “He trained me.” There was a simultaneous “what” coming out of all their mouths. Natasha rarely talked about her past. And by rare, that means literally never. But the only time that she actually does, gets them all paying their fullest attention to every word that she was saying. “Back in the Red Room. He’s the reason why I got so good at what I do.” Everyone was shocked at Natasha's revelation. Even Bucky himself. He didn’t have any memory of the woman, but every inch of gut in his body told him that she was dangerous, and his actions were just an effect of what his mind had coordinated to keep Steve safe. “He doesn’t remember me anymore, that’s for sure. They wiped him clean after he was done. Those were just his reflex actions. I should have been honest. I’m sorry. I never thought that he would actually do that. If there’s anyone here that understands how The Winter Soldier thinks, that would be me. But his techniques are often random and therefore, unpredictable. That is the reason why he never gets caught.” She paused. “It’s good to see you again, sir.” She placed her fingertips against her temple and saluted the brunette who was now trembling and shaking. And it was that exact moment that Tony understood why she had risked everything to bring Bucky to him in the first place. It wasn’t only because of Steve. She had her reasons too. She wanted to save the person that she had idolised, the person who taught her everything and the person responsible for who she is today. ~ Tony’s working lair. Few days later. Present day. “You sure you want to do this, pal?” Tony looked at him in the eyes, asking for confirmation. He doesn’t want to proceed to examine the decorated soldier without his consent. Bucky has not been given a choice for so long now and Tony isn’t going to do the same. “Yes,” Bucky paused. “Sooner or later, I have to get this checked out and I rather have it done by someone other than Hydra.” He wasn’t fully sure if he had meant his word, as being away from Hydra kinda made him felt homesick. This wasn’t his place. This was a place for heroes and he definitely wasn't one. Being around people for these past few days made think a lot about himself. Why wasn’t he like them? Why did he have a metal arm? Why did he do what he did? Was he really at fault? Whenever he thought about something, a painful headache would terrorize him, surrendering him to idleness and not being able to develop those ideas any further. Those questions would just end up playing on and on like it was part of a spoilt vinyl record that repeated itself over and over again. At least he could think now. He was a bit happy about it, even if his thoughts were just in short bursts. Back then, it was only about taking orders and not asking any questions. If he got Tony to check his hand, he’d feel a little bit relieved. He’d feel like home, like he was with Hydra. He felt safe in Hydra despite the way that they had treated him. They always made sure to carry out maintenance on his bionic metal arm before and after a mission to make sure he would be fully functional when they needed his ‘assistance’. It was during those times that he felt that he had been cared even when he didn’t deserve it. Bucky held out his hand to Tony bravely after sitting on a stool. Steve had held him by the other other hand, the human and fleshy one. At first, he flinched when he was touched, but he curled up his hands in Steve’s anyway. He didn’t know why he had flinched but it was as if his body had been like that for ages. As if his body remembered every single thing painful beating and torture that was inflicted onto him when his mind couldn’t even remember being hurt that bad. “Can you feel anything on this hand?” Tony asked while he was trying to open the casing of the metal arm. He hadn’t seen any physical screws or hinges that welded the portions together and had immediately assumed that there was a whole different way to open up his arm. “No. I used to. But one of the engineers ended the support for any kind of sensory feeling for that arm. Said I’d function better without feeling pain.” “Pain’s not the only thing that exists in the world, Buck. There’s gentle touches too.” Steve tried to sound as convincing as he could. “You mean like this one, Steve?” Bucky looked at how his hand had entangled itself with that of Steve’s. It had felt familiar, but at the same time he had no real recognition of being touched in that manner. Steve’s face was slightly red upon noticing how Tony was looking at them. Tony was raising his eyebrows on purpose making Steve blush. Tony always a cheeky little bastard anyway. Steve knew exactly what was going on Tony’s mind. Of course, the sight of Steve holding the hand of another man in such an intimate way made Tony question a few things, but he didn’t let that bug his mind too much. His duty now was to help Sergeant Barnes. After what seemed like an hour, Tony finally managed to open a small part of Bucky’s hand. Inside the metal contraption were wires of all colours and sizes, be it yellow or red, thick or thin. Tony saw how neatly the connections were made. It looked like a professional job, something that Tony himself would approve. Hydra ain’t got a manual for this. I’ve gotta do this old fashioned, he thought to himself. Tony got J.A.R.V.I.S. to scan Bucky’s arm from the inside, so that he wouldn’t miss a single thing. “Scanning of Sergeant Barnes’ hand is complete. Opening inventory. There are exactly 50 wires in his hand. Only 10 of are connected. The balanced 40 have been put in a dormant mode. I believe that these wires are connected to his nervous system as they have finer tips attached to the rest of his arm. Five active trackers are currently sending information to an unidentified port. Someone has put in large efforts so that we cannot trace these ping’s back to them, sir. There is also a small storage compartment with a lever. Inside, it contains 3 cyanide pills. I’m pretty sure those are suicide pills, sir.” “Let’s get all these tracking devices out first. I don’t want you to be followed around by those bastards.” Tony said as he looked at Bucky sympathetically. He knew what it meant to watched every second, knowing that your every move was being recorded. The trackers weren’t as simple as they looked. They were fastened deep into the system of the arm. Removing them using conventional methods would paralyze the operating system, thus making Bucky’s arm to render itself useless. Tony removed all the old copper wires, and replaced them with his own optic fibers that he had used for his iron man armor. This would not only ensure that there wouldn’t be any form of malfunction, but would also ensure optimum speed and accuracy. He had reconnected all the wires that ran across the trackers to a brand new host port. By doing this, he was able to control the trackers. Next, he carefully disabled the trackers with one of his ‘scramblers’- that was what he called them. Once deactivated, Tony took them out, and crushed them with his feet. He finished this process after 10 hours. “J.A.R.V.I.S. buddy, If I were to re-calibrate his arm by making all the wires active, would he be able to feel again?” “I’m unsure of that, sir. I can assist you in the process but I know not of the consequences of this action, sir.” Tony then faced to Bucky. “Do you want to be able to feel again with this arm? This would mean that you not only will be able to feel any nice and pleasant touches, but you will also be submitting yourself to the feeling of pain. And there will be risks. I’m not sure if this would heal or damage your arm. If this causes your arm to malfunction, I’ll make you a new one, but I can’t promise that it’ll work exactly like this one.” After a long silence, Bucky agreed. He had his fair share in handling pain and getting hurt didn’t matter to him anymore. But the feeling of being able to touch and feel excited him. That would make him more human. And that was what he truly wanted, to feel like he wasn’t just a monster that parents told their kids about at night. And he believed that trying something was way better than doing nothing. Once Bucky agreed, Tony had requested that he A.I. guide him through the steps. Tony was good in robotics and all, but he wasn’t gonna risk everything going south by not being careful enough. He hadn’t the slightest clue of the mechanics in Bucky’s arm. At first, Bucky didn’t feel a single damn thing. He knew Tony was tinkering with the stuff in his hand and that was it. He didn’t look at what Tony was doing. He looked straight forward, eyes looking blank as they always did, as if he was watching a movie or something. Steve saw how Bucky faced the wall emotionless. It was one of those thousand yard stare that war veterans usually had, one that Steve himself had found himself doing when he first lost Bucky. For Steve, it involved a lot of graphic and vivid details of the war, how Bucky would always have his back and vice versa. How they would sneak out and make love when no one was watching them. How Bucky and Steve’s pre-serum self were in love before Bucky was deployed. It was mostly about Bucky. That was for sure. Tony on the other hand was more focused on his task. This was a relatively new thing for him. Even with his iron man armor, he had never had any sensory detectors attached to it as he did not see the need for it. He only wore his suit when he was fighting and not feeling any pain would do him a great deal of advantage. But Bucky’s arm was attached to him 24/7. And Tony himself wouldn’t be able to imagine a life without being able to feel with one of his hands. After a painstaking 7 hours, Tony was finally done. He had taken 4 cups of coffee within that period, excluding the 8 that he had taken earlier when he was removing the trackers and revamping Bucky’s arm. “You probably won’t feel a thing for a while. I’ve this almost done. Give me a sec to remove this pills.” “Don’t. I need those.” Both Steve and Tony looked at the older man in surprise. “You sure? ‘Cause I don’t see any good coming from these, pal.” Bucky didn’t answer. He hadn’t got any answer. All he knew was that those were for a back up plan if he was to be disposed. Hydra didn’t like their hands getting dirty, and suicide pills looked like a better option for a asset that could win any battle. “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. If I ever get out of control, that’s the only way I can fight back.” “You’re not gonna hurt anyone. You don’t have to keep them, Buck.” “James Barnes wouldn’t hurt anyone. The Winter Soldier can. Especially if Hydra wiped me out again. If I may, I hope that you’d allow me to make this decision, sir.” Steve wasn’t going to deny Bucky from his own will, especially not after what Hydra did to him. They had never even let him speak without asking for permission. This was an improvement from the Bucky he saw at the bridge, a Bucky that was starting to think for himself again. “Alright then.” Tony reattached the cover for the hand after rechecking the circuits twice. Bucky caressed his metal arm and didn’t feel a thing. Only his right hand felt its fingers caressing the icy cold metal hardware. Slowly, his arm began feeling a tingling feeling, as if ants were crawling all over his arm. Bucky couldn’t get enough of touching his left arm using his flesh one. He felt good. As if it made him a whole lot more human than he actually was. When Steve prompted to touch him, he pulled his hand back. He was extremely sensitive. And he wasn’t used to being touched softly. He didn’t want this illusion of kind and gentleness that the blonde man had, to go away. He didn’t fear pain on its whole, he only feared that the one person that he somewhat trusts now wouldn’t be the person that the asset wishes him to be. It wasn’t the asset's own fault if he couldn’t trust his own judgment, he’d been wrong about his previous handler, Rumlow, and not to mention the sweet talking Mr. Pierce. At first Steve didn’t understand why Bucky pulled his hand away. But then he knew that Bucky didn’t fully trust him and that had hurt the blonde's feelings a little. This was going to take some time. Chapter End Notes I believe that after S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, Bucky is the reason that Steve is starting all over again. He has something to live for. Something worth fighting for. He's sorry that he didn't save Bucky the last time, and he feels that it is his fault that Bucky was used by Hydra. He's sorry for all the pain that Bucky has gone through. Or you could even interpret it as Nat being the person she is today mainly because of Bucky. Thanks for all the kudos. You are all amazing! ***** Chapter 9 ***** Chapter Summary The sight of America’s poster boy crying and begging for forgiveness from someone who didn’t exist anymore made Tony weak in his knees. How could a hero fall like this? How could a great man cry like a slave, begging for mercy? How could a legend be so damaged? Chapter Notes Secondhand Serenade - Fall for you. x See the end of the chapter for more notes This is not what I intended I always swore to you I'd never fall apart You always thought that I was stronger I may have failed But I have loved you from the start Tony’s room Present day Sex with Tony was always good. Well, he did have a lot of women in his life but being a playboy was never a reason for Pepper to dislike Tony. She had loved him, not because of his skills in bed, nor was it due to the money. It was never about the money, she thought. Money couldn’t buy her happiness. She believed in that since she was a little girl in her scouts’ uniform. She wasn’t all crazy about his intelligence or the way he talked about science like a little nerdy kid. But she has learned to love his little geeky quirks that people rarely see. Her love on him was due to something wholly different. She saw something that no one else saw in him. She saw that he had a heart. She knew how he used to look out for every single one of his workers, how he would give them money when they needed it badly. She saw the kindness that everyone else overlooked. And most importantly, she didn’t judge him. You wouldn’t judge the people you love because you would be busy hiding their flaws. She knew far too well about the feeling of being in love. The effect it had on a person was devastating. You would do everything you could for them. And somehow, she saw that in Steve. The way Steve would try to help Bucky even when he knew it was all fruitless. The way that Steve would look gently at Bucky even when he knew all the horrible things that Bucky has done. It was as if Steve Rogers was in love with his best friend. “No it can’t be.” She thought to herself. She dismissed the thought, but it kept on haunting her. She assumed that they were close because they had known each other for so long. She’s heard about the forties. It was a hard time. The economy was down, resources were scarce and it would be normal to share everything. She's heard about how Bucky fell from the train for Steve. Maybe that’s why Steve is trying to help him, he’s repaying what he owed to his best friend. Or maybe Steve believed that Bucky would have done the same for him if the tables were turned. Either way, she could see how desperate Steve looked. “Tony?” Tony was wide awake. He rarely slept after sex. It was a habit. He looked down at her, slowly playing with her soft and sweet smelling hair. Tingling and twirling his fingers around the loose strands. “Yeah?” “How is he coping with all of this?” “Bucky? Well, I don’t think there’s much improvement. He’s still…” “No. I mean Steve.” Tony was a bit surprised. He hadn’t thought about Steve for a while now. “I don’t know. Now that you mentioned it…” “I think you should talk to him. He looks like he’s been through hell.” Pepper paused. “ I know that despite the fact that you two don’t get along very often, I can see that he trusts you. If he had to open up his emotions to someone other than Bucky, it’ll be you.” She said in confidence. Tony looked at the ceiling. He wondered if Steve would actually trust him. Steve wasn’t his number one fan and he knew that. Once he had told Steve about his past, Tony had felt so much better, as if a huge burden was lifted off his shoulders. He didn’t feel the need to hate Steve anymore after being truthful with him. And if he could do anything to help Steve, he’d gladly volunteer. That night, Pepper curled up on Tony like how she always does. She never fully puts her weight onto him, only partially. And Tony would place his hand over her bare back, in a way that showed how protective he was over her. ~ It was seven in the morning. Steve couldn’t sleep that night. He hadn’t slept in days in fact. He sat on his chair, watching Bucky lying on his bed, as if the brunette was a lifeless corpse. Bucky didn’t sleep either. His eyes were open as he stared into the ceiling. He was too afraid to fall asleep. Being asleep means being reckless, and that can compromise his duty as the asset. He couldn't be careless, not when the life of his handler was at his hand. It was his job to be ready to sacrifice his own life for the safety of his handler. A month, Steve thought. It had been a fucking month since Clint and Natasha brought Bucky in and nothing had changed. Bucky was still empty. He would still shudder at every touch that Steve placed upon him. He moves away from Steve every time their skin brushed against each other. Bucky wouldn't say a word either. He would only answer the questions when he was asked about it repeatedly. There were also times when he would not say anything to answer some of Steve's questions, especially the ones regarding his well being, his hunger and his self cleanliness. It killed Steve to watch his best friend, his lover, to be something so alien and different than the old Bucky that he knew. Bucky used to love being touched by Steve. He’d never shut up, he was always going on and on about how Steve wasn’t taking care of himself. But now, Bucky was the one who didn't look after himself. The irony was strong with this one. And to think that Steve had wished that Bucky would stop talking at times. He never thought he would feel so hurt if Bucky didn’t talk to him. Yet he was so sure that he had never asked Bucky to stop touching him. It was bliss to have his fingers running against his own smooth skin all those years ago. Steve stood up after reminiscing about their current relationship, walked into the bathroom with a slow pace. He saw Bucky looking at him, before turning his head away after Steve stepped into the bathroom. He turned on the shower, letting the jet of water drop on his skin. His hands ran through his hair before washing his ears and his forehead. At first, it just seemed like a normal shower. It always started that way. He would then close his eyelids, upon feeling the burning sensation that had formed tears in his eyes. He started sobbing. Every time he looks at Bucky, Steve feels himself being stabbed, being beaten, being hurled with every single foul and disgusting word that existed in the world. Steve felt broken. The running water did an excellent job at hiding his silent cries as it was a good way to hide his vulnerable and heartbroken side from the world. He’d place his hand over his face, covering his eyes. He could feel the warm droplets in his hands contrasting the cold jet of water that was pouring over him. He was doing the same thing for a month now. He has finally mastered the skill of crying silently. Steve came out of the shower, eyes all swollen and red. He changed into some decent clothes. Bucky didn’t even look at his naked body. Bucky didn’t have any emotions for him anymore, he didn’t admire the body of Steven Grant Rogers like he used to. He didn’t have the memory of lusting over his best friend, not anymore. He turned away while Steve was changing, giving the man privacy because that was the right thing to do. But in this case, it was totally wrong. If it did anything, it had only hurt Steve even more. Bucky was so near, yet so far. ~ Tony knocked on the door. He had a promise to keep. He seated himself on the chair, trying to look as friendly as he could. Bucky got up, walked out of the room. He didn’t say a word. He kept quiet and gave a chance for both the man to converse alone. He stood outside the door, waiting. “What’s with him?” Steve didn’t answer that question, he had no definite answer. “I don’t think I can help him anymore Tony. He is damaged beyond repair. I’ve tried every single fucking thing I know and IT. JUST. ISN’T. WORKING.” Steve paused at three words, anger boiling in him. “I’m going to make them pay. They did this to him. I’ll kill every single one of them.” His hands boxed up in a fit of rage. “Woah, calm down Steve. I know you want to make them pay, but now is not the time. You’re not thinking right.” Tony warned. He has never heard the good captain swear, nor has he seen his wrath. It was clear that Rogers has pent up so many emotions, kinda like Tony himself, only worse. He grabbed his friend’s hand, held them both between his, trying to relax the older man. “He doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t touch me, and he's ever so afraid of every touch that I place on him. He won’t look at me like how he used to. He looks right into me as if I’m nothing. As if I’m no one to him. We used to have so many great times together. We used to be inseparable.” “He’s gonna need some time, Steve. This isn’t something that you can cure within a week or two. Tony could feel Steve tensing up, his eyes were all watery. Steve pulled his hands from Tony, covering his face. He knew he was going to break down any minute soon. Steve felt embarrassed. This would be the second time he cried today, and having an audience didn’t make it any easier. "I don’t understand a single thing that is going on his mind. I don’t know how he’ll react to anything. I want to help him. He had done so much for me and it kills me to not be able to do the same for him.” “ Hey. It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright. We’ll find a way. We’ll help him.” “No, I don’t want to burden any of you. It’s my entirely fault. I should have looked for Bucky. I disappointed him. I don’t deserve him and this is my punishment. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Buck. I’m sorry. I should have done more. I’m so sorry.” The sight of America’s poster boy crying and begging for forgiveness from someone who didn’t exist anymore made Tony weak in his knees. How could a hero fall like this? How could a great man cry like a slave, begging for mercy? How could a legend be so damaged? Steve was blaming himself, Hydra. He’s blaming everyone and Tony knows far too well that these thoughts will destroy him. “Steve? It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It would have been impossible to survive falling like that. Let it go, brother.” Tony rubbed Steve’s back, hoping that Steve would calm down a little bit. But at the same time, he knew that Steve should cry out as much as he wants. That would help; it'll do him a lot of good. It’ll release all the pain, anger, sorrow and every goddamn feeling that you’d wish you couldn’t feel. He knows exactly how Steve feels. “I just want everything to be like it used to. When it was just the two of us against the whole world.” He continued with his gentle sobbing. Tony didn’t like anything that he saw, especially the way that Steve was crying. It made him look so weak and helpless. Nothing like the legend that he said to be. “ He should have died. If God brought him back because I begged him to, I’d do anything to take that wish back. He should be in heaven, enjoying himself, not down here, because of my selfishness.” Tony wasn’t one to believe in God. He had lost his faith long ago. He only believes in himself, and his friends, because that’s what he can see and rely on now and definitely not some blind faith that could go against you. But if that was what Steve believed in, he’d respect that. Steve didn’t look like the religious type. He hadn’t seen Rogers praying before. As far as he knew, Steve was a realistic man. A man who puts logic before faith. But you know what the masses say, that people would believe in anything if they need a place to rely on, a pillar of strength, a spark of hope. They’d willingly believed in anything when things weren’t going in the right way, in a hope that everything would turn out alright. “I’ve turned him into this, Tony. I’m responsible for turning him into a monster. But I never wanted anything like this to happen to him.” “Look here Steve. Ain’t any of these is your fault. It’s ‘em damn fucking Hydra. Don’t blame yourself.” “I should have looked for him when he fell. I should not have given up on him. He wouldn’t have left me there if I fell. I should have jumped. I understand now. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve his love.” “Steve, please. You had no idea that something like this would happen. Quit blaming yourself for everything that happened. You’re helping him now, and that would mean a lot to him, I know that for sure. It’s okay. We’ll find a way, pal.” There was a knock on the door. “Can I come in now?” “Yeah, Bucky. Come on in." Steve said as he woke up, went to the washroom, rinsed his face with the cold water. It hit his swollen face like liquid ice cubes. Bucky sat beside Tony, waiting for Steve to fill the room with his presence. He had grown much attached to the blonde man. He’d follow him everywhere, wait for his approval for anything that the asset wanted to do. Steve is his new handler now. “Why were you crying, sir? Did anyone hurt you? Did he scold you?” He looked at Tony when saying the last sentence. “Did I do something wrong, sir?” He looked at Steve like an innocent lamb, waiting for its shepherd to give it orders. “No, I wasn’t crying. I am alright. You didn’t do anything wrong, Buck. You’ve not eaten since morning. Would you like some breakfast?” Steve changed the topic like a pro. “Yes, please.” This time Bucky had answered. Steve placed a false smile over his face, making sure to grab Bucky's hand gently as he led the way to the kitchen. They walked out of the room, leaving Tony to watch them in awe. Tony realised that even when Barnes doesn’t remember who he is, he still gives up everything to Steve. He would do anything for him. But the question was, whether he did it out of love or fear. Tony heard him calling Steve, sir. And surely that wasn’t normal. It seemed like the Winter Soldier has assumed that Steve Rogers was his new care taker and he was to follow all his orders. Despite being a super soldier, ex assassin that could kill anyone within a minute if he chose to, but he didn’t. It looked as if he didn’t have a choice. That he was only capable of taking orders and being submissive to his superior. Maybe that’s the way that they have conditioned him to be. From afar, something caught Tony’s eye. He saw a brown file that looked like it was some top secret government folder. He moved towards the half open cupboard, pushing the doors aside, taking out the file. He was right. It was in German. He had opened the first page, and saw a small picture of Sergeant Barnes. Behind it was a shot taken from when the asset was in cryofreeze. He flipped the next few pages but he couldn’t understand a thing. “Jarvis?” “How can I help you, sir?” “I need you to do an entire copy of this folder, and make sure it is saved into the main hard drive.” “Alright, sir. Estimating time for copy of all details. It would take approximately 3 minutes. Starting to copy documents.”The copying was finished three minutes later, exactly as the A.I. has predicted. “Copying completed.” “Thanks, buddy.” “You’re most welcome, sir.” Tony carefully placed the file into back into the cupboard. He closed both the doors tightly, until there was a click. And then he walked out of the room as quiet as a mouse. He joined the rest of the Avengers for breakfast. It was great to see his most trusted people enjoying themselves around him. He liked the illusion of trust, but maybe because deep down it wasn’t all a lie after all. He could actually rely on these people with his life despite the fact that all of them were complete screw ups. And maybe that was the reason why they could trust each other. Because they somehow knew what the other would feel. Tony excused himself earlier. He was usually the last one to get up. He was usually lazy. But not today. He’s got plans. He walked into his working lair and requested J.A.R.V.I.S. to bring up the folder that it had just scanned. The folder was displayed in a holographic and three dimensional view. He hovered his fingers over the image, and the folder was ‘opened’. “ I would recommend a translation for this document, sir. It’s data are in Russian and German. I don’t think you have mastered those languages, sir.” “One step ahead of me, aye buddy? Since when did you become so smart?” “Since the latest update, sir.” One thing was for sure. J.A.R.V.I.S. sure did know how to make Tony laugh. “Translate them to English.” “It has been done, sir.” Tony pouted his mouth a little. He wasn’t angry. He was in fact amused by his A.I. He was proud of his handiwork. “Alrighty, then.” Tony aimed his hand the image of the document and pieces of ‘paper’ were displayed across the whole room. This was going to take more than one day to understand and to actually read it through. This project is supervised under Doctor Arnim Zola. Anything from the folder is meant to be kept with the highest form of secrecy. Anyone involved in this project will be constantly under surveillance and any form of treachery will lead to the worst punishment imaginable. Project code name: The Asset. Tony stopped reading. He knew what this file was about, he knew that the things that he was about to read would be all about the things that they did to Steve Rogers’ best friend. It would be all about the process that changed a good warrior into a killing machine. He walked out from the room, headed towards the kitchen, made himself a cup of coffee. He knew that the cup that he had for breakfast wasn’t enough to last for the next few hours. “Hey, Tony! Care to join us for a game of Monopoly?” Clint shouted from across the hallway upon seeing Tony. “Not now, pal. I’ve got some work to do. Maybe next time.” “Next time? Did he just seriously say next time to Monopoly?” Clint was surprised. Tony never turned down a good game of Monopoly. Literally. He was good at building his empire, well , Stark industries was a good prove at it. And Tony had always loved showing off his skills. “Maybe he’s busy, Clint. It’s okay. Steve, you joining us?” Sam asked to his friend instead. “Yeah, sure. Just give me a minute to get my lucky stone.” Steve might be Captain America but he wasn’t gonna get into a game of Monopoly without his lucky charm. He had found the rock that day when he was feeding some ducks at the New York State Park. It was different and special. He edges were not symmetrical, and it was wholly black. It would shine like glitter and reflected whatever light that was aimed at it. He had requested Bucky to stay and startwith the game first. Steve got up to his room, opened his cupboard, took out the rock and closed it. Only then it had struck him that the cupboard was closed. He had left it open before leaving for breakfast. And Tony was the last one to leave the room. He reopened the cupboard, and saw the file being placed on his clothes, right exactly where he kept it. But he remembered that there was a small piece a paper jutting out from the folder when he saw it, but now, the edges were neat. Tony had poked into his stuff. He walked down the stairs. “Guys, rain check on the game. I’ve got something to do.” “Should I follow you?” “No, it’s okay, Buck. You join them.” Natasha approached Steve. She knew something wasn’t right, especially when Captain had his serious face on. He had a file in his hand. She recognised that file immediately. “Hey.” She said. “I want you to keep an eye on him. Give him company.” “You sound worried. Is everything okay?” “Ya.” Steve lied through his teeth. Chapter End Notes Captain America wasn't supposed to fall apart. He was supposed to be the head, the leader. I felt that this song resembles a man who is not going to give up for his love but when things take a turn for the worse, he is slowly breaking down in ways that others can't see. He is, in fact, falling for his lover. I'm so excited for Age of Ultron. Can't wait. Can't Wait!!! I don't think Bucky will be in AOU but, it'll be great if they show Steve trying to look for his friend. ***** Chapter 10 ***** Chapter Summary As far as Bruce knew, Barnes never had any medical history in having seizures. He had asked Steve, earlier about Barnes medical conditions, when he first did the medical check up on the soldier. Steve seemed very sure that Barnes was as fit as a fiddle. Bruce noticed how Steve was shocked to see Bucky in that condition as if he had never seen epilepsy. The only conclusion that Bruce can make was that if this didn’t happen to Bucky in the past, that could mean one thing. This was probably a side effect from an injury, brain damage being the most possible explanation. It could have been from the fall. Chapter Notes Chapter 10 is a bit dark, it looks into how Bucky would have been treated when he was in Hydra. Also, shoutout to my friend Shrey, who might be reading this. She's kinda the reason why i posted this so early. Thanks for kudos and I would love to hear comments on how you think this story should progress. :) And the song for this chapter is by Evanescence, My immortal. x See the end of the chapter for more notes These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. Avenger’s Tower Present day Tony hurried back into the room that he was in earlier with a cup of coffee in his hand. Steve could hear Tony’s footsteps, saw him rushing into one of the rooms. With the file in his hand, he followed Tony. Steve watched Stark moving his hands in the air and when Tony was fully focused, Steve barged into the room, furious as ever. “Ste-Steve? What are you doing here?” “No! You tell me! Why the hell did you touch my stuff? Why on earth did you take this file?” Steve flashed the brown object aggressively at Tony. “Quit playing games with me, Stark.” Steve’s authoritative tone was enough to send shivers down your spine. It was his true anger, combined with disappointment. He trusted Tony. With a slight hesitation, Tony answered. “I only wa-wanted to he-help you.” “Did you read it?” “No. I can’t understand Russian or German. B-but I’ve got them copied and translated to English.” “Show me.” Those two words were already sufficient for Tony to give Steve a view of the holographic file. Steve’s was astonished. He’s never come across such a highly advanced form of technology in his entire life. Sure, he’d seen similar stuff in S.H.I.E.L.D. but nothing was like the one that Stark possessed. Tony read through the disclaimer once again. This project is supervised under Doctor Arnim Zola. Anything from the folder is meant to be kept with the highest form of secrecy. Anyone involved in this project will be constantly under surveillance and any form of treachery will lead to the worst punishment imaginable. Project code name: The Asset. Steve took a deep breath before he continued. He knew that there was no going back after reading this. He’d know everything about Bucky. His worst torture, his unstableness, the pain he was put in through and the worst of all, Bucky’s breakdown. But if that is what it takes for Steve to understand him, he’d never think twice to go on with it. “Turn to the first page.” Steve ordered. Tony looked at him. “Just swipe your hand in the air with a close proximity to the hologram, like you’re flipping a page of a book.” “Like this?” Steve motioned his fingers and the 3-D folder ‘magically’ opened. New contents replaced the old words. The asset will be one of Hydra’s most prized possession after it has been conditioned. It will be used to complete high scaled tasks, operations that require the highest form of professionalism that only exists in this unit. It will be handling missions of a high priority and will be given a very limited accomplishment duration. Steve knew what that had meant. Next page. Day one I had informed the others that the asset has fallen into the ice. They would have to collect his body before he rotted. He would survive as I had already given him the necessary procedures back when I was first experimenting on him. He had seemed to be the perfect soldier. He was willing to sacrifice himself for the rest of his squad. He was also physically stronger than the rest of the men. Schmidt and I had tortured several of them and he was the only one who didn’t break. Both these reasons made me to believe that he was the best one for us to experiment on. The best one to be made into our asset. Zola “Zola. I should have known.” Steve whispered those words under his breath. “Zola?” “Arnim Zola. Ever heard Howard talk about flying me to save the 107th regiment?” “He’d never shut up about it.” “I went there to save Bucky when I heard that his regiment was captured. I found him strapped on the chair and Zola was standing next to him. Zola ran away after seeing me. “ “So Bucky was already injected with a serum before he fell?” “According to this paper, yes, which I also assume is a part of Zola’s journal.” “So that explains how he survived the fall. He would have been as strong as you.” Steve didn’t want to agree. He knew Bucky was always stronger than that Steve himself could ever be. He was the man that Steve has always looked up to and to be like. Page 2. Day 8 It’s been a week since my comrades have found the asset. He’s unwilling to cooperate and is refusing every offer that they made him. I had already told them to give him the adequate amount of punishment for every single misdemeanor. Zola. Steve flipped to the next page. There was a report on the asset. Introduction The asset is born James Buchanan Barnes. Captain America from Project Rebirth was his childhood friend. Although we are not very certain of the nature of his relationshipwith the super soldier, we can conclude that this man is willing to risk his life for him. It also seems that this man was capable of handling the ‘treatments’ that we have given him so far. “The nature of his relationship? What are they even blabbering about?” Tony was ridiculing the work of the top secret facility. Tony felt that they were dumb for questioning Steve and Bucky’s friendship. It was obvious that they didn’t do enough research to even know that they were best friends. Stupid Hydra, he thought. But what he didn't know was that Hydra had noticed how Bucky would cry out Steve's name whenever when he was in pain. How he would turn red and threatened to kill them mercilessly if they ever touched Steve, or perhaps even believing that Steve might actually come back one day, just to save him. Steve kept quiet because he knew what those words had meant. There was a high probability that they knew what Bucky and Steve were doing. But how did they know? Bucky surely wouldn’t have told them, right? Those questions kept on repeating in his mind. They continued reading. Page 4 to 5. The_handler’s_manual_on_handling_the_asset 1) The asset is not to be considered as a human being. It is only a weapon that we, Hydra, have chosen to use in our times of desperation. 2) The asset is always kept in a cryofrozen storage container once every mission has been completed. This is to ensure the continuous survival of the asset. 3) The asset cannot be kept too long out of cryofreeze, as it will cause the asset to malfunction. 4) It is the handler’s duty to make sure that the asset succeeds in his given mission. 5) In relation to rule no. 4, the asset will never fail any mission. If it does, it's handler must be responsible to ‘repair’ it. He is to reformat the asset; wiping its memory. 6) The asset should not be given any solid food. It should only be fed once using IV, that is, only before it begins his mission. 7) The tracking devices in the asset will be constantly active. It's handler should be aware of its whereabouts at every single second and update Hydra with its progress. 8) A handler of the asset should not need to worry about the asset’s well being. It will be taken care of by the doctors in our facility. The asset has a self repair serum, that, although isn’t fully functional, should be sufficient enough to ensure its survival. 9) A handler must make sure that the asset will not be able to make any decisions of its own. Hydra does not restrict any method that will allow the asset’s obedience. 10) The asset is to be conditioned to believe that whatever he does is for the greater good. So far, this is the only method that has worked on ensuring the asset’s loyalty to Hydra. 11) The handler must make sure that the asset is fully dependent on him, and believes that it cannot live without its handler. 12) The asset is not permitted to touch anyone, especially his handler, and is required to address every single person in contact with him as ‘sir’. The handler must ensure that the asset will not have direct eye contact. The handler takes upon the role of a master, and the asset is bound to be his slave. This is a recommended rule, to ensure that the asset is fully disciplined, met up with the standards required by Hydra. 13) The asset will arm it's handler with a gun, pistol or any weapon of the handler’s choice. Shall the asset malfunctions, this will allow the handler to defend himself from the asset. If the asset does not comply with this rule, the handler needs to punish the asset. 14) A handler must continuously punish the asset even if there isn’t a proper cause. The handler is required to create a reason to punish the asset at all times. He is also required to brief the asset on its ‘wrongdoings’ upon punishment. This is to ensure the optimal amountof obedience. 15) A handler must ensure that the asset will always obey all_his_rules. Once the asset is under his handler, it may be used for any purpose, and that includes those of 'personal' interest. This rule is solely to train the asset on his future missions, and is considered as a reward for its handler for training it correctly. 16) A handler must get rid of the asset once it is no longer a benefit, if it becomes a liability, or when it's assistance is no longer needed. This is the supreme rule. Hail Hydra. ~ “Buck.” That was the only word that came out of Steve Rogers’s mouth upon reading the manual. His voice was soft and full of remorse. No wonder Bucky is afraid of him. No wonder Bucky won’t touch him. No wonder the love of his life is so broken and damaged. He hasn’t been treated like a goddamn human for a long time and Steve made a promise to himself to make sure that Bucky will never have to feel like a lower being. Not anymore. ~ Page 6 There was a picture of a group of doctors, possibly surgeons, surrounding a small operating table. Below it was written, Procedure of presenting the asset with his new arm. Page 7 A picture. Bucky was in the middle, standing, hands chained to a metal bar. It was clear that he was unconscious.Operation, a success. Page 8 Another picture. This time Bucky’s was lying down on a medical chair. A man who was somewhat short stood next to him. The image was in black and white. Steve instantly recognized the stranger next to Bucky. Arnim Zola. The first handler. 1945–1955 Steve looked at the image in pure disgust. He flipped through several pages, skipping handlers two to five. Page 13 Steve thought the face looked fairly familiar to him. Aleksander Lukin. The sixth handler. 1995-2005 “Hey, Stark? Could you run this face against a facial recognition program?” “Yeah sure." Tony did some magic with his hands and viola, a match was found within a matter of seconds. Tony’s eyes widened and his mouth gaped a little. He was shocked to see the name. It can’t be right. It can’t be Pierce. But Jarvis never makes mistakes in these kinds of things. “No way!” “What is it, Tony?” “It’s a 98% match to Alexander Pierce. That doesn’t make sense at all, Steve. It couldn’t be him, could it?” He couldn’t accept the fact. Tony flipped to the next page. This time, the words, Brock Rumlow, The seventh handler. 2005–present were captioned under the image. Both Bucky and his handler were in the same position as their predecessors. Bucky in restrains on a medical chair and Rumlow standing next to him, in a master like manner. “You have got to be kidding me! Rumlow too? I kinda liked that guy!” “He was a Hydra agent from the start. The entire STRIKE team were.” ~ “So you’re telling me that there is a link to view videos?” “That’s not exactly true. It more of a secured centre, where I would have to hack in to gain access to other data. But sure, you can put it that way. When Jarvis scanned the file, everything in the file was processed in a binary system, consisting of the digits 1 and 0. There’s a few encryption codes hidden in some of the images. If you were just to view it with an ordinary computer, it would appear to be normal. But Jarvis is an A.I. He is programmed to trace information like this.” “How long will it take for you to extract the data?” “Since there are multiple codes, I can only assume that only one of them is the true key. If I were to put in the wrong code, the data might get deleted, as a safety measure set up by Hydra. I’m pretty sure Hydra doesn’t want unauthorized personnel to get their hands on their intel." Tony then continued with the intricate explanation of how he would actually use this data. "Firstly, I would have to find their main server. That could take days, minimum. Then, I would have to emulate their system, using it as a base to create an exact replica that I can test the encryption codes on. And, oh, I almost forgot that I would also have to run hundreds of tests, just to make sure that these codes aren’t viruses. They will not only harm the system, but could also kill Jarvis.” “How long, Stark?” “You’re looking at a month’s work. That’s the fastest. Considering if I have nothing else to do and if I’m working on this 24/7. Excluding time where I would eat, sleep or even rest.” Tony was being a sarcastic, pretentious bastard as usual. He needed Steve to understand that this wasn’t going to be easy, even for someone like Tony. “Look Tony, I didn’t mean it like that. I just ..” “Sir, here’s a commotion in the main lounge. Sergeant Barnes fell and is reacting to symptoms of a seizure. Probably, epilepsy. Agent Romanoff has..” Steve didn’t bother to listen to the end of Jarvis’ news. He rushed to the hall where a loose, broken circle was formed. Tony was right behind him. Pushing himself through Clint and Rhodey, Steve saw Bruce and Natasha on the floor, tending over Bucky. He stood frozen, watching Natasha’s swift movements loosening the knot on the unconcious brunette's sweatpants. Her lap was pillowing Bucky’s head. Bruce was holding Bucky’s hands, lips whispering. The doctor was counting the seconds that were passing by, timing how long the seizure was lasting. Bucky was shaking, limbs moving. His eyes were wide open, staring blankly. His mouth gasping for air, his breathing was heavy. About two minutes later, his eyes fluttered. His breathing was slowly returning to normal and his body wasn’t shaking as much as it had before. “S-sir? Ste-Steve?” His voice was frightened and terrified. He turned his face, left to right, looking for the blonde. He tried to sit up as fast as he could, but his body wasn’t fully functioning yet. Bruce assured him to rest down. Steve moved towards Bucky, squatted in front of him, making sure that he appeared as small as he could. “You okay, pal?” “I’m sorry.” “Hey, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” “I lost control. It’s my fault. I will accept the punishment, sir.” “Bucky, like I said before, I won’t punish you. You take some rest, okay? Now, would you like some water?” Bucky nodded. Steve moved to the kitchen, collected some water from the Stark Water Dispenser in a clear glass. When he handed the clear fluid to Bucky, he noticed Bucky’s worried expression. Steve wasn’t sure what it had meant. Deep down the asset feared that the liquid might be some type of drug that would cause his stomach to feel the effects of burning. He took a sip. It tasted like ordinary water. He continued drinking, and unlike back then, there weren’t any immediate effects. It was after a while that he finally realized that the blonde handler wasn’t lying. He didn’t hurt him. ~ Bruce and the rest of them had left Steve alone with Bucky in the lounge. When he last saw Steve, the blonde had taken over Nat’s place of watching over Bucky. He was talking, probably trying to beam him up or something. As far as Bruce knew, Barnes never had any medical history in having seizures. He had asked Steve earlier, about Barnes medical conditions, when he first did the medical check up on the soldier. Steve seemed very sure that Barnes was as fit as a fiddle. Bruce noticed how Steve was shocked to see Bucky in that condition as if he had never seen the brunette in an epilepsy. The only conclusion that Bruce can make was that if this didn’t happen to Bucky in the past, it could mean one thing. This was probably a side effect from an injury, brain damage being the most possible explanation. It could have been from the fall. [Tony] “What happened back there? [Clint] “Everything was just so sudden. We were on with the game and suddenly he just shrieked. Fell onto the floor.” Clint’s explanation was already good enough for Tony. It was simple and short. Precise. No exaggeration of any kind. It was as exact as what had happened. [Rhodey] “And Steve was with you right? I didn’t see the both of you after breakfast.” [Tony] “Yeah.” [Rhodey] “What were you guys doing actually?” [Tony] “Nat, you remember the file you gave him about, you know, about …?” [Natasha] “What about that file?” [Tony] “Well, I kinda found the file. And I kinda copied it, so that I could have a look. Steve found out and that’s it, I guess. We were going through it.” [Sam] “You peeked into his stuff? Dude! Privacy!” [Tony] “It was an accident. Besides, I wanted to help him.” There was a small silence. [Sam] “What was in it?” [Tony] “How the hell you know about the file in the first place?” [Tony] “We only passed through some stuff, like his objectives, and his handlers.” [Rhodey] “What’s a handler?” [Tony] “I think it’s like someone who is in charge of the asset. [Rhodey] “And the asset is?” [Tony] “It’s the name they’ve given him. Him as in Bucky, that is. Oh, and there was this manual for handlers. Based on what I read, I don’t think he’s been treated right.” [Bruce] “Could you do a search in that file, like look for anything pertain the word ‘fall’? [Tony] “Sure. Give me a sec. Jarvis, search for the word ‘illness’ in the file that we were viewing earlier. “No results were found, sir.” [Bruce] “How about the word seizure or epilepsy?” This time, the doctor was talking directly to the A.I. "There is 1 result under the word seizure. Shall, I display the contents, sir?” [Tony] “Yes.” The asset has been showing signs of recovery after the lobotomy surgery. The results are as expected. The asset does not respond as much as he used to. It often falls into a dream like state. Other effects include unpredictable seizures. The asset has full control over his motor skills, but is in constant need of orders. So far, it hasn’t shown any ability of free will. The effects are said to be permanent as long as it is in constant cryofreeze. Once out of cryofreeze, anything could happen. Tony finally understood what the handler’s rules had meant about Bucky malfunctioning. For all it’s worth, Bucky could be recovering. “So, what do you think, doc?” “It’s hard to say, Tony. Bucky could get better, or he could get worse. We have no idea of telling. All we can do is to wait and see.” Chapter End Notes The harm done on Bucky cannot be erased. When Steve understands what Bucky undergoes, he too feels the pain because both their hearts were once considered as one. I just feel an extreme urge on doing a flashback chapter, so the next chapter is gonna be one. :D thanks for the kudos! ***** Chapter 11 ***** Chapter Summary “Someone’s awfully quiet today.” “Oh come on, I thought you liked me better when I shut up.” “I like how you shut up when I fuck you seven ways to Sunday.” “Jesus, Steve. Don’t talk so loud. Someone might hear.” “This is precious coming from the dude who said he doesn’t care what people think of our goddamn relationship.” Chapter Notes x Sam Smith - Stay with me. See the end of the chapter for more notes Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one night stand But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand? Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love it's clear to see But darling, stay with me Why am I so emotional? No it's not a good look, gain some self control And deep down I know this never works But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt March 8th, 1938 Brooklyn, New York Bucky carried the heavy wooden crate and placed in onto the ship. That was the last one for the day. And everything after that was as usual. He would go and meet up with Steve, walk him home. He quickened his pace after recognising the sound of the footsteps that were approaching him form behind. “Hey Barnes, wait up.” Bucky stalled his movements, and waited for his dark haired friend to catch up with him. “Woah, what’s the rush, Sousa?” Daniel Sousa worked at the docks with him. They had often kept each other company while waiting for the arrival of more boxes to be loaded on ships. He was a man of decent height, with dark brown hair like Bucky, and kind brown eyes. From a scale of 1 to 10, Bucky would rate him as an 11. He looked nice, but he wasn't exactly a hit with the ladies, not much of a talent for chasing skirts. “Haven’t you heard the news?” “What news?” “We got drafted. We’re gonna join the troops.” “What?!” “Yeah, you and me, pal. And that jerk, Thompson, too.” Bucky wasn’t expecting himself to join the army. For God’s sake, that’s the last thing he wants to do right now. Of course he would love to serve his country when she needed his assistance, but who’s gonna look after Steve if he went away? Steve would be all alone, and that little punk always gets himself into trouble, like some kind of trouble magnet. It would be a true miracle for Steve to not get involved in a fight whenever he got the chance. And if Bucky goes away, no one would be there to save his skinny arse anymore. And what if he got sick? Who’s gonna put the damp towel over Steve’s forehead and make him his favorite get-well soup? How was Bucky gonna live in a whole different continent, months and years without looking at Steve’s sweet face or hearing Steve grumble about how Bucky was disturbing him when he was sketching? He couldn’t even stand the thought of being so far away from Steve. “Everything alright, Buck? You look sad for someone who’s been wanting to serve our motherland and all.” “Yeah. I’m happy. I just… It’s all too fast you know. I didn’t expect this.” Bucky was an expert at hiding his emotions. “So, when are we leaving?” “In a week’s time, I think. Heard ‘ose German bastards got their way into a part of Austria yesterday.” A week? How the hell am I gonna tell Steve? Bucky thought internally. This was all happening so fast and Bucky had so little time left. “I’m gonna have to go now, Buck. Looks like it’s gonna rain. Hey, don’t you have somewhere to go? You’re always rushing away when you finish your work at the dock.” “Shit! I forgot about Steve. He’s gonna be waiting for me.” Those were the last words that Daniel heard from Barnes on that day. He saw his friend running as fast as he could, moving towards the area where the dark clouds filled the sky. Daniel knew that he had to run too, or else he’ll get caught in the brewing storm. ~ “You’re late.” “Oh come on, Stevie. Give a man some credit for running non-stop,” Bucky replies, panting. He slowly controls his breath. Bending forward, with hands on knees, he tries to relax, his muscles screaming. “We can rest, if you want to.” Steve comments. “No, I think it’ll be better if we continue. It’s already drizzling. Here, stand still.” Bucky took the scarf that was wrapped around his neck and used it as some sort of head gear for Steve. He rolled the cotton material until it covered Steve’s whole head because he knew that Steve would get sick if he got wet in the rain. ~ Lightning flashed across the darkening sky, like fake light, while the thunder sounded like artillery pounding the dunes. It was raining cats and dogs. Both Steve and Bucky were drenched by the time they had finally reached home. Bucky made sure that Steve had wiped himself dry to make sure that he wouldn’t fall sick. He didn’t manage to avoid Stevie from getting wet, but he could at least make sure that the blonde was dry from all the rain water. “Stop being a mother hen. I hate it.” “Well, you’re not the only one suffering when you get sick. Besides, you should learn how to take care of yourself. One day, I might not be here to tell you what to do.” Bucky hadn’t meant to say the later sentence, but it sort of came out of his mouth. Thank God Steve didn’t dwell on his words. “Make sure you get dressed in some woolly clothes. It’ll keep you warm for the night.” “God, Buck! Can you shut up already?” “I’ll shut up after you drink this.” He said while handing warm mug of hot chocolate to Steve. With Steve working for the past few years, they’d been able to have a better life. They had a chance to taste the finer stuff and immerse themselves in certain luxuries that they had never had the chance to before. And hot chocolate was one of them. Steve was already sitting on the bed when Bucky approached him with the warm drink. Steve loved the smell of hot chocolate on rainy days. He loved how he could smell the scent of rain on wood, or rain on metal. Sometimes he could smell rain on grass. It was a calming scent. But hot chocolates and rain weren’t the only reasons that he had loved rainy days. It was during these times that Bucky would cuddle up against him, to keep him warm. Steve slowly drank the cocoa drink, leaving half for Bucky. He covered himself in a big, oversized blanket and placed the mug on the small table beside the bed. ~ “Why didn’t you finish it?” Bucky asked as he just came out of the shower, clad only in a towel that was covering his upper thighs and his pelvic area. The towel reached until his knee. Steve could see the highlighted abs on Bucky’s torso, an he enjoyed the view. Steve only turned away so that Bucky wouldn’t catch him blushing. “Kept ‘em ha'f for ya.” “I don’t need it. It’ll keep ya warm. I’ve got enough fat that’s gonna last me a year in the winter.” Bucky chuckled. “Can’t bring my love there can I? He’ll freeze to death, punk.” “Oh shut up. You know you’re such a jerk, right?” “I might be a jerk, but I’m your jerk.” Steve rolled his eyes. Bucky was always answering him with all these witty comebacks. Bucky on the other hand, drank the remaining hot chocolate in the mug and placed the empty cup in the kitchen sink. He knew Steve was too stubborn to finish it and Bucky might as well have a go for it. He didn’t like the thought of food going to waste, especially not when he's struggling daily to make sure that there's food on the table. Steve’s eyes trailed the older man as he walked back into the room and got himself into some warm clothes. Bucky got onto the bed and had laid by his side. “You know, I have a great idea that’s gonna keep us both warm, Buck.” “Oh yeah? I wonder what that is.” Steve moved his body until he was directly on top of Bucky. There was only a small gap that separated their bodies. Steve looked directly into Bucky’s grey eyes. He bit his lower lip subtly. His hands were supporting his body weight and Bucky’s head was placed strategically in between them. “Steve? Can we– um, do this on some other day?” “What’s wrong?” “No, it’s nothing. I just feel a little bit tired.” Steve knew Bucky was lying. Steve could have swore that he felt a hardness between Bucky’s legs. And Bucky had never, ever turned down a night that involved fucking Steve Rogers. Not until today. Steve positioned himself beside Bucky. He knew that there was something wrong, probably there was something bothering him. He placed his small hands over Bucky’s hips and rubbed them gently, like a feather. “Is everything alright, Buck? You seem troubled.” “Everything’s fine Steve. God, if you gonna keep asking me the same question over and over again, I’m going to head over to the couch.” “Okay. I’m just next to you if you need me.” Steve rested himself against the delicate sheets, frustrated over Bucky’s reactions. He had known his best friend for too long now to not notice any changes in his behavior. Bucky wanted to touch Steve badly, but he knew he had to learn how to control himself. He’s gonna get deployed within a week, and he hasn’t got the slightest clue on how to let Steve know about it. He knows that once he goes to the battlefield, he’s gonna have to control his urges. He’ll be so far away from Steve and he has to learn to live without Steve. Without someone to touch or kiss. Without someone who he had loved. That night, there wasn’t any contact between the body of the two lovers. Both the men fell asleep heads laying on their sides while facing opposite directions. ~ Steve woke up late the next day, only to notice his boyfriend wasn’t beside him. He’s already awake, Steve thought, as he saw the dim light shining away from the kitchen. Steve was usually the early bird, and even if Bucky woke up earlier, he’d lay beside Steve until the blonde woke up. Steve walked towards the kitchen, but he didn’t enter the place. He saw Bucky sitting all alone on the old wooden chair, hand held against his forehead, eyes closed. Steve knew Bucky too well, he was probably thinking about something and clearly it was enough to bother him that the brunette didn’t sleep much. There were times when Bucky would talk to himself, when he thought no one was watching. “How am I gonna tell him? I know he’ll ask me to go. He’s all Mr. Do-What’s- Right and serve your country kind of dude. Shit! I’m in huge trouble, aren’t I?” “Bucky? Why are you talking to the wall?” “St-Steve, you’re a-awake. I didn’t notice you were standing there.” Bucky wondered if Steve had heard him. He’s never been this careless when he's talking to himself, he always made sure that no one was watching him or listening to what he was saying. “I was here long enough to hear you talking to yourself. You alright, jerk?” “Oh, it’s nothing actually. Just a bit sleepless, that’s all.” “So, you wanna go back to bed or …” “No. I’ve gotta get ready. We’ve gotta go to work. See you in half an hour.” Bucky rose from his chair and moved to the bathroom. He smiled at Steve, his lips were full, and none of his teeth was showing. Steve just looked at him, watched his every awkward movement, trying to avoid Steve. Steve knew Bucky would talk to him when he’s ready. ~ Bucky wasn’t as chatty as he always was. He sat quietly watching Steve eating one of those butter buns. Bucky didn’t like butter. He hated how it would make his tongue oily and slippery, as if something foreign was coating his tongue. He liked jam. It was sweet and its bright red colour would remind him of Steve’s cheeks when he’s all shy. And Bucky remembers that Steve tastes like strawberry bubblegum. Maybe that’s why he likes strawberry jam that much, because it's a constant reminder of Steve. “Someone’s awfully quiet today.” “Oh come on, I thought you liked me better when I shut up.” “I like how you shut up when I fuck you seven ways to Sunday.” “Jesus, Steve. Don’t talk so loud. Someone might hear.” “This is precious coming from the dude who said he doesn’t care what people think of our goddamn relationship.” “I don’t. But, I don’t want people marking you as a fairy and then come back to finish their job when I’m not here.” “What’s gotten into you? You talk as if you plan on leavin’ me for some pretty dame or somethin’.” “You know I'd never do that right...?” Bucky’s tone changed a little. He sounded bitter. “Dude, I was just joking. Why are you so serious? What’s gotten into ya, Buck? We always joke around like this and you’ve never gon’ mad. Ya okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine. Ya done eatin’?” “Yeah.” ~ Steve started his art as usual. It begins with a rough sketch that slowly morphs into something more physical. Slowly, he dipped the crow's quill into the bottle of half used ink. He just bought the bottle about a week ago and has been using it ever since. He’s been getting a lot of commissions lately, especially since the uproar in Europe. America’s been using them comics to get a lot of people to join the army, and Steve would do anything to join the army. He’s twenty now and he can enlist himself, but he knew they wouldn’t take him, not when he looks like he’s 14. It was his responsibility to serve his country, and if he couldn’t join them right now, he could at least encourage others to do the same. “Crap!” Steve spilled the bottle of ink all over his new poster that featured a man wanting people to join the army. He was gonna have to draw it all over again. There was no way he was going to get this done by today. “Steve, son.” Steve looked up at the older man. Mr. Dunsly was the new chief in charge of the store now. The old one with the thick moustache quitted about a year ago and his new supervisor was just as nice. Despite having doubts on Steve’s ability when he first saw him, Mr. Dunsly had finally realized that Steve was the best artist that the comic book company had. Only then he then understood why the skinny boy was paid higher than the rest of them. “I’ve got some bad news kid. We’re gonna have to shut down the company. “What? Why? We just launched a new character and it had gotten a lot support and ...” The man nodded, agreeing to what Steve had just said. 1938 may be a part of the great depression, with a really high unemployment rate, an estimated whooping 19 %, but it was also the golden era of comic books. Almost half the entire population read comics, and that included adults and kids, girls and boys alike. “We sold the character rights to DC. They made us an offer, a really good one. But you don’t have to worry much. I’ve made preparations that you get signed with them. You start working with them within a week or so. You’ve got these few days off. The only thing is that you might not get the same wage. You are our best kiddo, but with companies like DC, you’re gonna have to make your way up. They’ve got lots of experienced artists and submissions from external sorces.” Those were the only advice that the bald man could think of. He looked at Steve as his son, his golden boy. “Thank you, sir. I really appreciate that you helped me with the job.” Steve was indeed thankful but he was really unsatisfied and disappointed. His art wasn’t gonna get any recognition any time soon and he’d have to start all over again. And this time, in a surrounding where the competition is even greater. ~ “So you’re telling me that you’re switching jobs?” “It’s not like that, Buck. I am moving from one company to another. A bigger one. DC.” “Well, it’s true. But there’s gonna be some downsides. Lesser wage. But I don’t think it’ll be problem. We lived with so much less before this.” “But the prices of stuff have gone up, Steve.” “I know. But we’ll make it. We always do.” Steve played around with the small bowl of pasta. His fork was turning and tumbling the contents and only occasionally the food had reached Steve’s mouth. Bucky knew what Steve meant. They’ve been surviving every single thing, pneumonia, poverty, and so far, society. The way people have been treating them wasn’t really what you’d call a good hospitality, the curious and wandering eyes, the silent whispers that Bucky and Steve heard whenever one of them walks by. Some parents would close their children’s eyes or just walk away as fast as possible if they stumbled upon the brunette or his skinny partner. Steve and Bucky didn’t make their relationship public or anything, but when two young boys lived together, people always talked. There were times when the people would stop giving them the cold shoulder, that was when Bucky brought some pretty girl home, take her out on a date or when he kissed her at her doorstep after a warm conversation over a nice dinner. Maybe, if he joined the army, people wouldn’t look at him in disgust anymore, and maybe the young lads wouldn’t call Steve a pansy. Bucky stopped his thoughts for a while. His head was slightly spinning, nothing that a cigarette can't fix. He took out the small box of cheap cigarettes from the pocket of his trousers, before lighting it up with his dad's lighter. “Babe, I’m going out for a puff." “You just had one just now. God Buck, I know it helps you relax and stuff, but at what cost? You know the tobacco is said to cause lung cancer and all kinds of diseases. If you need someone to talk to, I’d be glad to listen. You don't need the company of cigarettes to relax your mind and all.” “I’m fine, and I don’t need no expressin’ meself to you.” Bucky walked out, his words slightly muffled as the cigarette has taken its place between his lips. A bright red ring formed at the tip of the cigarette as he breathed the smoke in. Bucky stood by bushes after walking for 5 whole minutes, like he always does when he smokes, leaning his body against the cold metal frame of the iron bar that bordered the wild shrubs. Bucky was conversing with himself again. "Five days more till I get deported and I still haven’t told Stevie." "Maybe I should get him something. Or maybe we could go to a few places. Steve isn’t working and my boss has agreed to let us boys free for the next few days to get ourselves ready for joining the troops. " "How about a fancy dinner? Steve would love that. And maybe we could go for a movie on the next day. And maybe a trip to the woods where we had our first kiss." Bucky blushed. He bent his head low, smiling at the thought. He continued standing like that at there, for an hour or more, not thinking about anything in particular, but just breathing in the smoke and blowing it out. It’s like getting high, but not with the help of shooting up. He would stare at the couples holding hands and kissing in the public. He wished that he could give Steve the privilege of being in love but he knew far too well of the consequences. “Gosh, it’s been hours. Steve’s gonna get worried.” ~ “Stevie? You still awake?” As Bucky opened the door, he saw Steve lying on the couch, half asleep, hands stretched over his frail, lithe body. Bucky carried Steve across the hallway, as gentle as possible, placed him on the bed and pulled the blanket, covering his body. The younger man was a little startled, and opened his eyes. He felt a warm kiss over his forehead. Steve smiled, closing his eyes again. He could smell the fresh smoke that radiated from Bucky’s body. He nuzzled his nose against Bucky’s rough, stubbled cheek. Steve hated when Bucky smoked. He didn't like the smell of those nasty things that Bucky was putting in his mouth whenever he was troubled. He hated how Bucky was willing to get temporary relief by smoking and not talking to the blonde about it, when logically, the latter would be the better choice, by looking at it from both a physical and an emotional aspect. But Steve didn't say a word about it. If that's what Bucky wants, he has the right to do so. “You smell awful, you know that?” A naughty, cheeky grin flashed across Steve’s face after pressing a soft kiss on his cheek, feeling the sandpaper-like surface rubbing against his red, soft lips. Bucky left out a small moan. His eyes were open after Steve took his lips of the brunette's skin.“Go to sleep, punk. We’ve got plans tomorrow.” Bucky had said. “Aren’t ya comin'?” "Be right beside you in a while.” Bucky sat right up, packed some of his clothes, things that he might need once he gets deployed. A razor, some clean underwear, a few shorts, singlets and t- shirts. The toothbrush and the comb is only going into his bag on the night before he leaves. After packing, Bucky blew out the candles and joined Steve. He wasn’t wearing anything to cover his torso despite the cold atmosphere in the room Upon feeling the presence of someone beside him, Steve placed his head on the warm body, like he always did. The man beside him ruffled his hair a little and placed his hands over Steve’s body. He’s gonna miss Steve so bad when he’s deployed. That’s for sure. ~ Chapter End Notes I just love this song so much. It's simple but it still amazing. I really don't have much to dwell on this song, it just kinda signifies that how the both of them would want the other to stay with them for eternity. Thanks for all the kudos and the comments! :D ***** Chapter 12 ***** Chapter Summary When two people kissed on screen, Bucky’s left and Steve’s right hand entangled, holding the other tightly in the dark. Anna had placed her head on Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky chin was nuzzling against the tip of her forehead. Bucky’s right arm was wrapped around Anna’s body. Steve saw how much Anna had loved the way that Bucky touched her. If only he was a girl, he would be the one caressed by Bucky, taking over Anna’s place. Bucky noticed how Julie placed her hand onto Steve’s knee. Bucky was already biting his lower lip. She was touching Steve so intimately, and Bucky couldn’t help but feel slightly upset. He turned his head away, not wanting to see the smile on Steve’s face when a girl was asking him to kiss her. Chapter Notes Finally, for one of the songs I enjoy the most, Careless whisper by George Michael. I hope you guys enjoy the song as much as I did and also enjoy reading the plot as much as I enjoyed writing it. x See the end of the chapter for more notes Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend. To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind. There's no comfort in the truth, Pain is all you'll find. March 10th, 1938 Brooklyn, New York “Bucky, could you just stay still? Stop making those silly faces! God, you’re such a bad model.” “You’re taking way too much time, punk. And, I ain’t got the patience of a dame.” “Then, why don’t you draw?” “Look, it was all your idea. I told you it was such a bad idea from the moment you suggested it.” “It’s almost done. If only you'd shut up I’ll get it done within a minute or two...” “Steve, it’s been almost ten minutes now! My shoulders are aching.” “Another second... Aaaaannnnnddd done.” Bucky stood up, stretched his body a little, rubbing his hands over his head and walked towards Steve. “That’s me?” “No. It’s Jenna from downtown- Of course it’s you!” The whole sketch was just in one colour, brown. Steve had been able to get everything right. His prominent jaw, his round eyes, his sharp nose and his plump lips. Bucky rubbed his fingers as softly as he could, against the sketch. Afraid that he might smudge the lines, he pulled his fingers back. His broad shoulders were clearly visible, and his muscular arms were highlighted in Steve’s sketch. “It’s beautiful, Steve.” “You’re only telling that to make me happy, aren’t you?” “No, seriously, it’s really good. You’re talented, you know that, punk?” “I had a handsome model.” Steve winked. “What’s a handsome model without his artist, eh?” “An annoying prick, I can assure you that.” Both of them chuckled. Their laughter echoed throughout the shabby house. Bucky gazed at Steve. He knew that he would miss all the small talk and poking around when he's gone to war. And he’s guilty, feeling all wrong, knowing that he hadn’t told Steve about him leaving. Should he tell Steve? His mind raced at the thought of it, heartbeat increasing, pumping him up with this addictive ecstasy called oxygen. “Steve?” He asked moments later, after giving it a good thought and realizing that it was the best thing to do. “Yeah?” “Umm, I’m listening. Go on.” “I.. How about we go out for dinner? Somewhere fancy. Like the Italian restaurant at the corner?” Real smooth Barnes. You had one perfect moment to tell him and you chickened out. “Sure.” ~ Bucky sneaked out when Steve wasn’t watching. He knew far too well that Steve would start yapping if he knew that Bucky was going out for a smoke. “You James Buchanan Barnes?” A postman looked at him, eyeing from head to toe at the young man, his fresh body, thinking of the damage he'd get after he's been to war. Oh how the perfect skin was going to end up battered and bruised, used up. “Yep, that’s me.” “Here’s your letter. Got drafted, sonny. And make sure you go grab your uniform, today, at the enlisting agency.” “Thank you, sir.” The man didn’t turn back. He just kept on moving as he had many more letters to deliver and he hadn’t got the time to stay in one place. Bucky knew he’d forget about uniform, and he’d be better off if he took his set of the uniform now. He walked, with large steps, a bit too fast for someone who wasn’t rushing. He saw a lot of young men, most of them around his age, with wide smiles painted across chubby cheeks. Some of them came with their friends, whom mostly were drafted or had enlisted themselves. Some came with one of their parents, or siblings. And Bucky was alone. He tried to keep his chin up, put on the best smile that he could and looked ahead. He took the uniform, looking at brown material. He was slightly happy that he had a chance to serve his country, happy that Steve would be proud of him. Happy that he could do something better with his life than just being a disappointment to the people around him. But he was also slightly sad. He knew he wouldn't be able to touch Steve, or tell him everyday about how much the blonde had meant to him. When Bucky reached home, he quickly kept the uniform with all the other stuff that he had packed. He knew he would have to wear it on the day that he leaves and keeping it in his cupboard would be a better choice, but he wasn’t going to let Steve see it. Not until the time was right. “Where’d ya go, Buck? It’s almost evening.” Steve suddenly appeared from out of nowhere and Bucky instantly pushed the zipped bag under their bed. “Went out to see Daniel. But he wasn’t there. So I came home.” Steve could feel Bucky getting tensed. He saw the older man rub his nose, a tell tale sign that Bucky was lying. Steve pouted, wondering if Bucky went to see a girl. Not that steve would actually mind or anything, but if it were true, then this would be the first time that he didn’t tell Steve the name of his date. Maybe things are getting serious and Bucky probably likes her. Or maybe Bucky doesn't want to hurt me by telling me about her. That would explain why he pushed Steve away that night when Steve wanted to go down on him. Steve wouldn’t be angry, because that’s the natural order. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, right? Maybe he was going to leave Steve for that girl. After all, who would want scrawny, little Steve Rogers, when there are hundreds of pretty dames who'd be willing to spend the rest of their lives with handsome James Barnes from downtown, the same guy who could make any girl melt with his thick Brooklyn accent and his charming demeanor? Steve pushed those thoughts as far as he could. “Aren’t you getting ready?” Only then Bucky had realized about his promise to Steve. He looked back at Steve, seeing his lover all dolled up, in a nice grey suit. Hair was gelled, but the fringe was still covering half his forehead. There was a small frown on Steve’s face. Frowns never did look good on his face, made his jaw really obvious, not in a good way though as it made him look really undernourished. Bucky promised that he wouldn’t take too much time in the shower and he was truly a man of his word. When he was done, he put on his one and only blue suit. He knew that Steve loved the colour blue very much. And when they locked the front door, they walked together. Like they always do. Luigi’s was just around the corner and walking beside each other was something that both of them had enjoyed. They sat, facing each other. Steve covered his face with the menu as he felt that the whole world was looking at him. Bucky on the other hand took every opportunity to look at Steve when he didn’t notice. At a first glance, everything looked normal. Two men eating dinner. But the more you observed, you could see the gentle lip biting, occasional blushes and the long gazes between the grey and blue eyes. “Orecchiette with tomato sauce.” “Traditional Neapolitan pizza.” “And bring us a bottle of campari.” “We’ll both have tiramisu cake for dessert.” Bucky felt that Italian food was good. It tasted nice, wasn’t bland and you could taste the spices. It’s a good kind of feeling, where you felt like the cook had put in a lot of effort and added the special ingredient called love when he prepared the dishes. And Bucky paid for the both of them. He was able to save some money as Steve was working and contributed for some of things they had needed. Bucky hated to agree that it lifted a huge burden off his shoulder when Steve got a job. Because that would evidently make Steve right. Steve brought cash too, just in case Bucky didn’t have enough to pay. But he knew Bucky was far too egoistic to actually let Steve pay for him. Steve also knew that Bucky felt responsible to look after him. Steve was independent, even if he'd told Bucky that he could survive on his own, Bucky wouldn’t listen. Bucky made Steve move in with him, so that he could keep a watchful eye on the boy with the golden hair. ~ “Steve, meet Julie. This fine young dame here, and my date for the night is Anna," Bucky said playfully. The blonde girl placed a kiss onto Bucky’s smooth cheeks. It was clear that Bucky had taken some effort in making himself look presentable. He was shaved clean, but there was a bit of stubble above his lips. The crease between his chin was all too visible. His hair, all gelled back with a black hat to top it off. Bucky bought four tickets, for the movie, ‘Goodbye’. It was a love story and it certainly wouldn’t be right if two men just showed up without a date each. Julie wasn’t what you’d call gorgeous, but she surely was a cutie. She would blush every time Steve looked at her. No woman had looked at him like that before. She had a small frame, a bit smaller than Steve, probably an inch shorter. Her hair was almost shoulder length and she had glasses on. Steve thought she was beautiful. Anna had a small headband that made her shiny locks of hair stand out. Her eyes were fixed on Bucky and had been holding his hand ever since they had arrived. Is she the one? Steve wondered. He could feel how his heart sank a little, but he didn’t want to dwell on it too much. After all, they’d come here for a movie. And even if she was, he's supposed to feel happy for Bucky, because surely, Steve would want the best for Bucky, to make him as happy as possible. Bucky hated those love stories. For him, it didn’t make much sense because at the end of the day, the girl and the guy always lived happily ever after. It didn’t please him because he knew that he could never live the way they do in the movies with Steve, the person who he truly loved. The tickets weren’t front rows seats, but were of a ‘Goldilocks’ like position, not too near or not too far. Julie was on Steve’s left, and Anna was on Bucky’s right. Bucky and Steve sat beside each other. The story aired was about the love between two people from different fractions of a war torn country. They had to keep their meetings a secret without letting any of their family members knowing of their absence. It kinda resembled the love between Bucky and Steve. If anyone actually found out about them, they would be in great trouble. Their love was forbidden, it was taboo for a man to love another man. When two people kissed on screen, Bucky’s left and Steve’s right hand entangled, holding hands tightly in the dark. Neither of them looked at each other. They tried to concentrate on their dates, the company that they were suppose to entertain but it was harder when the person they each truly love was right next to them every single second. Anna had placed her head on Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky chin was nuzzling against the tip of her forehead. Bucky’s right arm was wrapped around Anna’s body. Steve saw how much Anna had loved the way that Bucky touched her. If only he was a girl, he would be the one caressed by Bucky, taking over Anna’s place. Bucky noticed how Julie placed her hand onto Steve’s knee. Bucky was already biting his lower lip. She was touching Steve so intimately, and Bucky couldn’t help but feel slightly upset. He turned his head away, not wanting to see the smile on Steve’s face when a girl was asking him to kiss her. Steve and Bucky's hands didn’t let go of each other even when Steve was kissing the small girl on her lips. It wasn't really a passionate kiss, just lip onto lip, something soft and suitable for a first date. And besides, Steve would never kiss anyone else the same way that he kisses Bucky. It was horrible. You kiss someone you don't love, someone you don't know and don't care about in front of the one person who matters the most to you. And the worst part? Kiss the same damn stranger while holding your beloved's hand. When Steve kissed the girl, he had only one person in his mind. Bucky. He wished that it was Bucky that he was kissing, not some girl that he had the pleasure of meeting just two hours before. Every single touch Steve laid on her was made on the notion that she was Bucky. It was at that exact moment that Bucky understood what Steve would have felt when the brunette was with other girls. The feeling of being left out. Emptiness. Loneliness. Come to think of it, Bucky realized that things would have even been more painful for Steve as the blonde was the one who suggested Bucky to go on all those dates in the first place. Finally, both of the lovers in the movie were killed mercilessly when their affair was found out, without even giving them the chance to say goodbye. Steve and Bucky walked the two girls home after the movie ended. It was late, nearly ten when both men reached home. Neither of them talked about what happened in the movies. They pretended like everything was right, even when things had obviously gone slightly sour an hour ago. ~ March 13th, 1938 “You remember this place, punk?” “Yeah, we kissed for the first time here.” Steve remembers every single thing that happened on his birthday that very day. It had been three years. Three fucking years since all the touching, kissing, and love making first started. They had sat down the same place, the same exact spot where it had all began. Steve coiled upon against Bucky and the older man sheltered him like a mother hen taking care of its little chick. Covered him from the cold like how he always did when they were still kids and even on days when it was snowy and Steve was shivering like motor, vibrating non-stop. They sat there for hours, not saying anything. Being so close was good enough. They didn’t need to. “Would you like to dance, Steve?” Bucky whispered into Steve’s tiny ears after a while. Steve looked back at him, direct eye contact. “Yes.” They both stood up, one after the other. “May I have this dance, punk?” Bucky was being a prick again. Not that Steve didn't like it. The truth is, he kinda loves that part about Bucky, all those times where he got a little bitchy and sounded like a royal prat. Bucky bowed, as if it was a real ball, a real gala. Steve rolled his eyes and bowed in return. They have danced so many times, in the comforts of their home, without anyone knowing. But this time, they were welcomed by the soft breeze that ruffled their hairs and brought brown, fallen leaves floating in mid air. They were accompanied by the symphony of the nocturnal insects and the sound of the distant ships docking. Bucky placed one of his hand on Steve’s waist while Steve placed his on Bucky’s shoulder. They kept their other hands together, stretched out far enough in a comfortable position. Steve had always taken the position of the dame when dancing but Bucky had never assumed that Steve was actually one, despite his small frame. That wouldn't be fair to Steve you see. But still, Bucky would lead the way and Steve would follow his steps as it was the easier thing to do. But there was no music. No crowd to watch them. Only the moon was, like a silver thumbnail, watching their every touch, their every move. It had watched two broken men falling in love three years ago, and now it was watching the same broken men slowly being torn apart. They continued their steps until it was midnight. Bucky let go of Steve’s hands, used two of his fingers to slowly tilt Steve’s head until they were looking directly at each other. Steve saw the way Bucky had wet his lips, the way his Adam’s apple moved down and back up. And they kissed. Steve’s arm was around Bucky’s neck, his small fingers playing with the brunette’s soft, tousled hair while Bucky’s hand was all over Steve’s cheeks, his thumb rubbing the delicate skin. Bucky had always loved the way Steve blushed, the way he was smiling amidst their kiss, the way his eyes closed at every touch Bucky pressed onto him. Deep down, both lovers were worried. One was afraid that the brunette was going to leave him for someone else, afraid that he might never have any of these wonderful, yet cursed feelings again. Afraid that he might see his lover with some other girl, even if that was the right thing to do in this society. The other was scared to leave the only person he had loved his entire life, scared that he might never see the love of his life ever again. Scared that his lover would die of loneliness or get beaten up by strangers, with no one looking out for him. Scared that he himself dies in war and left his lover all alone for the rest of his life. “Bucky?” Steve called out. The older man looked at Steve. “I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world.” Steve continued. "I love you too, punk.” Steve saw the tears forming in Bucky’s eyes. He knew that there was something that Bucky was hiding from him. He was acting all strange for the past few days and had been spending all his time with Steve, as if he wasn’t going to see the blonde for a very long time. Steve ached at the thought but he didn’t show any of his emotions. “Are you…?” Steve stopped halfway. “Am I what, Steve?” “Nevermind. It’s nothing.” Bucky brushed his eyes roughly, making sure that Steve doesn’t notice the wet streaks that ran behind his hand, but it was too late. Last dance. It was their last chance. ~ March 14th, 1938 Home. Brooklyn, New York. Steve was cleaning the room when he saw something hidden under the bed. He pulled it out. It was a black bag. When he unzipped it, he saw clothes, Bucky’s clothes, all neatly folded and packed inside. He zipped the bag, pushing it back from where he found it. He walked away from the bed, leaving the broom and the dustpan on the floor, unattended. His hand ran against his blonde hair. How could you be so stupid? How could you ever think that he would want this, that he would want your disgusting little body? You are useless and you will never be good enough for him. You were just cheating yourself when you felt that he loved you back. You really thought that he would love you? You’re nothing, you have nothing that would make him ever want you. Can’t believe that you are this stupid, Rogers. He looked at his reflection in the mirror of the dresser. He hated what he saw. The sore eyes that bulged from his small face. The puffed up lips. The red complexion that ran over his pale cheeks. The lines of partially dried up tears, sloshed over with cold, running, tap water as he tried to assure himself that he had not been crying. Thank God he isn’t here. Thank God he didn’t see me like this. Wanting him when he clearly doesn't feel the same. Stupid. Halfway across town Barnes was doing the same exact thing he does when he gets all tensed up. He smokes. He’s been at it since he left home that morning. He would have cried if he could, but getting all teary eyed without actually letting those tears fall was all that he could afford. He couldn’t let the image of him being strong and unbroken, the image that he has tried to keep in a pristine condition, to be torn down into pieces with the simple act of crying. It made him look weak and that would be the last thing that Bucky would ever want. To let Steve see him in such a mess. “Rough day huh, Barnes?" The man next to him had asked. “Rough future.” “You need someone to talk to, buddy?” “Nah. Cigarette?” Bucky asked instead. “I don’t smoke. It’s really unhealthy. Ever thought of quitting?” “You talk exactly like my bird, Sousa.” “So it’s about her? The reason why you are standing here?” “I haven’t told her that I’m drafted.” Bucky hated when he had to refer Steve as a female. But he had to. Steve wouldn’t want anyone to know. “Jesus! You’re leaving tomorrow and you haven’t told her?” “No. I don’t know how I’m suppose to break the news and all.She’ll be happy, I know, but who’s gonna look out for her ?” “Women may look small, but they’re really strong. Grown up with three sisters myself. ” Bucky sighed. How was he supposed to tell that he was in love with another man? A man who would pick fights with anyone who called him awful names or anyone who hit him? Steve wasn’t a dame, he knew that. He never looked at Steve as feminine or effeminate. He looked at Steve as his equal, as his partner. His other half. But all of this pretending would have to stop someday, right? Someday. Maybe in the future perhaps, when people are okay with this, where people can accept this sinful flaw. “I got Austria. Heard Thompson got stationed to Okinawa, Japan. “England.” Bucky answered. There was a moment of silence between the two men. Neither had anything to tell the other. Both looked forward to the different lives that they were about to lead. Both were young men with high hopes and dreams. Both men wanted to serve their country. “One last piece of advice Barnes. Tell her. She deserves to know. If you leave without telling her, it’ll break her heart. And it’s hard to mend broken hearts.” “I know.” Steve was listening to the radio when Bucky reached home. He was lying down on the bed, hands crossed under his head as he stared at the ceiling with this terrible feeling of emptiness engulfing every inch of his soul. “Three days ago, Austria was dominated by the Germans. Both the British and French have not sent any help and it’s up to us, Americans to help our allies. Enlist yourself and help bring peace and justice...” Bucky shut down the radio before he started to strip down. He didn’t need to hear another word about soldiers and war. “Hey! I was listening to that.” “I don’t want to hear about ‘em.” Bucky was in his briefs, as usual. Steve eyed him from head to toe. "Well, screw you," Steve responded before he moved over to the radio and switched it back on. Bucky pushed Steve's hand roughly, knocking the radio over to the floor. “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” “Y-you don’t understand.” “I think I might if you had told me that you were ditching me for a dame.” “St-Steve. I... I don’t understand.” “Quit playin’ games, Barnes. I saw your packed stuff.” “You’ve got this all wrong! It’s n-not a dame.” “So it’s a guy? Wow, Rogers you really fucked up big time.” Steve cursed at himself. He rarely did swear, he often saved it for the right time. “STOP IT!” Bucky’s was strained and aggressive. Bucky’s never been this harsh on Steve before. Well, everything has its firsts. The older man walked towards the dresser, opened the drawer. He handed a yellow envelope that he took out from the drawer to Steve. “Open it.” Steve did as he was told. He read the letter inside, eyes swiftly moving from left to right. “You got drafted, huh? That’s why you packed your stuff?” Bucky nodded. He looked guilty, as if he was caught red handed for sneaking out of the house at night. “God! I’m so sorry I doubted you. I’m s-so s-sorry, Buck!” “It’s not your fault. I should have told you. I couldn’t tell you. I know you’d want me to go, serve our motherland and all. I just don’t want to leave you here all alone.” “You’re an idiot, you know that, Buck? I can look after myself. You go do what’s right. And maybe, I’d serve with you boys, when I get enlisted myself.” Bucky made a weak smile. Steve was always too selfless. He wanted to make others happy, fight for those who got bullied, do the right thing. He didn’t see the world as ugly as it actually was. He was too noble to see the bad stuff that existed. But Bucky saw everything. The inequality, the war, the lies. “You’re leaving tomorrow?” “Yeah.” "You're gonna miss me?" "God, Steve! Don't remind me. I don't want to remember. I want tonight to be about us. Nothing else. Just the two of us, here. Not about soldiers and certainly not about some goddamn war." Those words were accompanied by a monotonous voice. It was depressing actually, for Steve to hear the sullen expression on his cheerful friend. When Bucky leaves, I don't want him to remember us being sad. I want him to remember that the last night that he had with me was an amazing one. Perhaps give him the courage and strength for him to return home, surviving this shit. Steve knew that this was the last time they were gonna be so close. All the hugging and kissing from the last hour got him worked up too much. He knew that he had to take advantage, seize the moment. He needed to act quick, to make his move. It was now or never. “So got anything planned for the night, Buck? Because I sure as hell have a few tricks up my sleeve that will surely make you forget everything. Except my name.” Steve looked at Bucky, pulled him down for a nice slow kiss. "Steve..." Bucky mouthed. With a devilish grin, Steve slid one of his hand inside Bucky’s briefs, tugged the white, cottony material down slowly until it touched the floor. He rubbed Bucky’s smooth, muscular arse. “St-Steve?” Bucky voiced out. He didn’t expect the younger man to be so quick, so blunt. It was sudden and Bucky resisted at first. But he was easily distracted by the magical spell that Steve mustered up with his dreamy eyes. “I owe you this, Bucky.” Steve felt guilty for doubting his lover and this was the least he could do to redeem himself. “Besides, you’re not gonna have any of this for a long, long time.” Steve made sure he stressed the word. He could feel Bucky getting tensed up, slightly aroused from the younger man’s actions. “God, Rogers. You’re always so...so...um..” “I’mma pro. I know that.” “Mmmm...Stevie....umm...” “You always talked too much. Now, why don’t you be a good soldier and lie on your back, on the bed?” Bucky did as he was told. Steve was still fully clothed when he got onto Bucky. He made sure not to touch him. His face was right above the older man. Breathing in and out. Panting. Looking straight into his eyes. It was enough to make Bucky go crazy. “Aren’t you gonna make your move, Buck?” Bucky started undressing Steve. He fumbled with the buttons as fast as possible. He threw the shirt onto the floor. One down, one more to go. He placed his hand on the zipper of Steve’s pants but his hand got pushed aside hastily by the blonde's. “You’ve got to earn that one soldier.” Steve answered cheekily. Steve moved downwards, facing Bucky’s hard on. “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Steve grabbed Bucky and began licking along his bulbous head. He knew the effect that it had on his lover. Steve picked up his pace, began sucking him hard. He took the precum that was already slowly oozing out, even sucked on the head to make Bucky feel good. He heard every squirm, every moan, every erotic sound that Bucky made. And the way his fingers wrapped around his veined cock, gently massaging the right pressure onto the areas that wasn't covered by the warm moisture of his mouth, was good, all too good for the brunette. Bucky was already at his edge within minutes. “Steve, baby, please. I... Need t-to come.” Steve stopped bobbing his mouth over Bucky. He lifted his mouth, dropping a goo of saliva onto Bucky's dick, letting it dribble along the shaft until it reached his balls. His hands were at his hips as he positioned himself into a nice, bossy position. “Now, now. We don’t want you messing the sheets do we? Turn around soldier.” “Stevie, please, don’t do this to me. I need. To...” “Are you defying my orders? How about I leave you like this for the whole night, begging me to fuck you so that you could come. That sounds like a lovely idea to me. What do you think, soldier?” “You kinky son of a bitch. I’ll make you pay for this.” “Oh really? We’ll see about that. Besides, I wonder how good you are under pressure, especially when you've got such a loud mouth. Shall we test you?” Shit. Bucky knew that he was in big trouble now. He should have learnt to keep his bloody mouth shut by now. Hell, maybe a part of him wanted to be dominated like this. It was so hot to see Steve all glistening in sweat like this, all bossy and controlling. “If you come, I’ll have to punish you, soldier. Steve moved up, start biting and sucking on Bucky’s neck while his fingers ran up and down against Bucky’s shaft. Steve didn’t stop until there was a red, sore mark on the right side of his neck and how the head of the cock was turning slightly purple. Bucky’s face was beetroot red. He tried controlling himself as much as he could. Steve worked on the left side of Bucky’s nape, but this time his hand circled the head of his cock, slowly, at the tip of the opening. He knew that this would be hard on Bucky. Especially when he got Bucky all worked up within a couple of minutes. “Oh yeah.. yeah... good... Oh Steve.. babydoll... Fuck.” Bucky cried. The white cum over Steve's hand spilled over Bucky's torso. He was sure that he could have controlled himself. But watching Steve being all possessive, all strong and controlling over Bucky... It was a sensation of a different kind. Made him weak. All sexed up. Steve's hand wiped the cum off his hands onto Bucky's torso, letting him feel the warm, sticky substance, smeared all over his body. “James Buchanan Barnes. You came without my permission. You do know what comes next, right?” Bucky couldn’t look Steve in the eye anymore. He was embarrassed. “Turn around, soldier. You know what happens when you don’t follow my rules. Up.” Bucky turned around and raised his ass up in the air. “Now, I want you to count.” Steve smacked his arse hard, leaving a stinging burn and a red hand print on his white, pale skin. “One.” “Two...” “Eleven. Twelve. Fourteen.” “Someone forgot thirteen. Guess we’ll have to start again until you learn your numbers right.” Bucky was enjoying this. No doubt about it. And he had a nice little erection making its way to the surface of the bed sheets again. And Steve being the opportunist he was, would surely never waste such a treasure. “One.” This is going to take ages. “Six” “Ten” “Twenty.” “Well, that wasn’t so hard, was it, soldier?” Only Steve could make a seemingly normal word like soldier sound so sexy. Only Steve had the upper hand, being able to control him like this, boss him around to do whatever he wanted. Only Steve. “God, Steve. Can you just fuck me already. Stop teasing me.” “I didn’t hear the magic word.” “Steve, please, I really need you.” “Beg.” “Oh, come on. Fine. Steve, baby, can you please fuck me already. Babydoll, I’m begging you. Please.” “Well... I guess, since you have earned it, soldier.” Bucky could sense the enthusiasm in Steve's voice. Steve unzipped his pants, chucking it aside. The sound of the zip screeching made Bucky twist in excitement. Steve yanked down his inner wear. After quickly prepping Bucky, pushed his dick slowly into Bucky's hole, letting him squirm. He watched as the throbbing hole swallowed the cock easily, tugging it back whenever Steve pulled it out again. Steve had a good rhythm, despite his constant shortness of breath. He was focused, had a target. He made sure to hit the brunette's prostate when he got inside of Bucky. “Fuck, Stevie, you’re so good. You’re so good to me.” “You really don’t know when to shut up do you?” It was that exact moment that Steve hit Bucky in the right spot. Steve moved in and out a few times, and eventually joined Bucky in the bliss that he was feeling. Steve inside of Bucky, his fingers pushing every single dollop of cum that dripped out of his hole, back into its right place, making Bucky feel like a slut, more than the brunette could have ever imagine. "You like that Buck?" "Yeaaahh.." Bucky answered, his eyes were slowly shutting. He let Steve lie on his chest, playing with the slight strands of hair. He liked how Steve always made him feel so masculine after breaking him down to the point of taking the blonde's cock in his hole, like a dame. ~ Steve woke up, and saw Bucky getting ready. He headed to the shower, got himself cleaned and dressed. He would be accompanying his best friend to the centre where the drafted had to gather. He waited for half an hour, outside of their room while Bucky got dressed in his uniform. “How do I look, Stevie?” “You look gre-. Hold on." Steve pulled a small stool in front of Bucky. He stood on it, and adjusted Bucky’s raised collar. He saw the blue back hickey on both sides of Bucky’s neck. He made sure to hide the mark, not wanting any prying eyes to question things. “There you go. You look stunning.” Chapter End Notes i love the part that goes; there's no comfort in the truth pain is all you'll find Because i feel it fits so well with Bucky's feeling. He wants to tell the truth but he is afraid. He believes that the truth is hurtful, to himself and to Steve. I kinda like the idea of skinny Steve being dominant despite his sweet and do-no-evil nature. Hands up if you feel the same. thanks for kudos and comments. ***** Chapter 13 ***** Chapter Summary “ I’m sorry, Steve. This involves the matter of the heart and the mind. I don’t have the ability to heal him, but..” “But?” “I know someone who might.” “Who?” “Loki.” Chapter Notes Thanks for the kudos and comments in advance. If you guys have anything that you want me to write about, just ask me in stuckyisbae.tumblr.com. Song picked for this chapter is The A Team, by Ed Sheeran. x See the end of the chapter for more notes But lately her face seems Slowly sinking, wasting, Crumbling like pastries. And they scream. The worst things in life come free to us, 'Cause we're just under the upper hand. Present Day Avengers Tower The asset never quite felt at home with so many friendly people around him. He had seen a few new faces in the tower since the last two months he’s been here. At first it was a weird magician who always wore a blue suit. The wizard had always kept to himself and talked very little. He only voiced out when people had addressed him. Some called him Vincent or Stephen, others called him Strange. Then there was a man in a red skin tight suit. He had a good sense of humor. The asset had heard that the other guys calling him deadpool, although the asset himself didn’t know what it had meant, he assumed that it must be his nickname. He was rarely in the building, but whenever he was, he would be picking fights with the guy having unconventional facial hair, Tony. The asset remembers the guy introducing himself as Wade Wilson when he first met him. He’d only seen the man once without his mask, and his figure was very disfigured, like he was a living corpse. And the latest addition was a kid. Or at least that was what he looked like. He was slightly skinny, probably still attending college or something. His hair was always scruffed up, messy. But it looked soft. He’d seen the kid always following his handler, Steve. Spidey, that’s what they called him, but he’s heard the blonde handler calling him Peter. The asset didn’t talk much to any of them. His job was to observe, and he felt that he was doing it quite well. He noticed how Peter would beam up whenever he met Steve or the asset himself. He always rambled on about how he admired them and wanted them to be his mentors. The asset noticed how the wizard was always meditating and conjuring small jolts of magic rays within his fingers when no one was watching. He saw how Wade made sure to check his handphone and his social networking site accounts at least once every hour. For some reason that the asset is unsure of, he knows that he likes the spider kid. He’s nice. Bucky can feel that. The kid often looked at Bucky’s arm in awe. Bucky knew he did horrible things, but he wasn’t sure what he had done. He could feel guilt, a really uneasy feeling, but he didn’t understand why he felt it. The kid idolised Barnes, but the asset knows far too well that he is not that man. He’s seen Barnes at the Smithsonian and he couldn’t feel any connection to him. They might have had the same face, but he isn't him. The asset isn’t a hero. He’s a villain, always have been and always will be. He doesn’t understand why his handler is taking good care of him. Steve, as what his handler has requested him to call him by, was always watching out for him, making sure he was eating right, taking his showers, talking to rest of the avengers. His new handler treats him like a human. And he knows he doesn’t deserve it. But why? Why doesn’t he deserve it? Why doesn’t this new handler hurt him? Why is he surrounded by people who look after each other as if they were family? Why isn’t everything normal like how it should be? “Bucky?” Bucky stopped whatever thoughts that were playing in his mind and looked at the blonde, whose blue eyes were all wide. He knew it was lunch time. They were always alone when Steve sits with him, when the blonde accompanies him to eat. Steve usually sat beside him. He always finished an hour earlier than the asset and spent the rest of his time waiting and encouraging the older man to eat the remaining vegetables and meat that were still on his plate. “You’ve got to eat them all, Buck. You need to recover, remember? And these will help to keep you healthy.” Bucky never answers. He just does what he is ordered to do, as always. Today was no different. ~ Steve didn’t notice how four people from the distance were watching the antiques of both the men, the image of how Steve would want to feed Bucky but he didn’t do it because it would somehow seem forceful, how Steve take care of the metal armed man. “How long is Rogers gonna keep babysitting him?” “I assume it will go on until Bucky can actually do things without stumbling or having a seizure. Somebody’s gotta keep an eye on him, and I think Steve’s the best one out there, Wade.” “Does Fury know about this?” Peter shook his head. “He doesn’t. Steve hasn’t told him yet.” “Hasn’t or doesn’t want to tell him?” Parker looked at Wade in disapproval. The older man was patronising his idol and he didn’t like it one bit. But Wade had a point. It was obvious that Steve doesn’t want to brief Fury because he’s afraid that he would have to give Bucky up for the name of science and humanity. It made Captain America sound so selfish. “He probably has a good reason.” A different voice. Clint. Wade liked the Hawk guy. He was funny and he had a good sense of humor. Clint laughed at Wade’s jokes when no one else does. They had grown closer when they got stuck on a mission last week. Wade tackled the guy who aimed at Clint and refused to take any credit for saving his life. It was during that moment that Clint realized that this Deadpool guy wasn’t as bad as everyone thought him to be. He was just another one of those dudes who uses all these snark humor to cover up the fact that he felt like he was a huge fuck up. Kinda like Tony himself. And that explained a lot why both Tony and Wade couldn’t get along. “Yeah, but don’t you feel sorry for the star spangled man? It’s way too obvious that he looks like he’s drowning.” “I know. But he’ll explain when he’s ready. We just gotta trust him, Wade. Like how he trusts us. Besides, Banner’s told us that Bucky could recover and…..” “I don’t think he’ll recover, Clint. It’s been two months and if anything’s changed, he’s only gotten worse.” This time a different voice had answered them. It was Bruce, and by worse, he was referring to the constant black outs and epilepsy that Bucky’s going through. Often while the rest of the avengers were busy in combat battles or conversing with each other, Banner was busy thinking about how he could help his friend. He’s seen Dr. Strange doing a lot of things with magic. Well, at first it was ironic, because he was a doctor, and doctors were prone to be skeptics of mystics. But everyone knew his back story. Well, somewhat a figment of it. He used to be the best surgeon in New York until his hands started to fail him. The he vanished somewhere, to learn magic or something. That’s was all that Banner had known about the man. Banner knows that the damage done by lobotomy was incurable and every decent medical practitioner knows not to meddle recklessly with the complexity of the brain. Lobotomy wasn’t brain surgery. It wasn’t as delicate, you see. The ‘psychiatrists’ would stick a long and fine wire from your eyes or nose, until it reached the frontal lobe of your brain. Some ‘psychiatrists’ would just fiddle with the white matter while others would add alcohol to ‘enhance’ the desired result. They were done within a matter of 10 to 15 minutes. There wasn’t much care to be given to these patients because lobotomy itself was damaging. The effects of such a surgery often lead the patient to be unable to think like a normal adult. He wouldn’t know what’s right or wrong. He wouldn’t be able to make any decisions. He would be like a child again, but without the capability of actually outgrowing his child-likeness. And that is exactly what Barnes is now. A puppet. A weapon for Hydra. He’s the gun that Hydra uses when they need to pull the trigger. As far as Bruce knows, there is no possible scientific way to cure Barnes. You just can’t expect a way to treat a damaged brain. But magic? That’s different. Magic doesn’t need to be logical. It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s just there, waiting to be understood, learned and exploited. “Excuse me, guys, but I gotta go.” Bruce had plans and he knew that it was either Thor or Strange that could help both Bucky and Steve now. And Thor wasn’t in Midgard. He used the elevator to reach Strange’s room. He knocked on the door but there was no answer. He turned the doorknob and found that it was unlocked. He pushed the door lightly. “Vincent? Is it okay if… W-What the hell..” The sight of a man in some weird drapery floating in mid air was not a common thing you’d expect to see when you walk into someone’s room. Banner stood still, mummified. “You’re here about one of your patients. Steve’s friend I assume?” “Y-Yes?” Bruce stuttered, he was still a bit agitated that the magician was in a trance like state, that he wasn’t effected by gravity. “You want my help to cure him?” “I was hoping we could talk in a more ‘normal’ way?” “I see. You want me to be on level with you as it is more comfortable for you?” “Yes please. If it’s not a bother.” Slowly, Strange descended from his position. He sat down on the floor and then he slowly rose up from his foot. He opened his previously closed eyes and looked directly at Banner. “Go on.” "I feel like it’s my duty as a physician to cure him, and I hate the fact that I can’t do anything to help my patient, to help my friend.” He referred to both Steve and Bucky. “And between us, we took an oath, to help them as much as we could. I may not be able to help him now, but I feel that you have the ability to reduce their suffering.” Strange looked at the shorter man. He had left the field of science a long time ago. “What’s the matter with the soldier?” “Lobotomy.” Stephen’s face changed. His eyebrows furrowed down, his jaw clenched a little. He was one of those surgeons who went against lobotomy, one of those who thought that it was degrading, one of those who actually cared for their patients. “I don’t know if can help him. I need to have a look at him. Need to go into his mind, and leave no rock unturned. I would first need to talk to Rogers. I need to know what he expects from the soldier." ~ “I want the old him. How he used to be, everything about him. The memories of us being together. I just want him back.” “But that means I’ll be able to know everything he did when he was under Hydra, every single pain and torture he underwent, every thought that he had, and every emotion he felt. It will be a complete violation of the very same freedom that you believe and stand up for. Do you really want me to do this?” “Yes.” Steve didn’t flinch one bit when answering, as if that was exactly what he wanted. He looked at Bucky who was seated right next to him with a small, gentle, smile. Bucky returned his look with just a blank and meaningless stare. It hurt Steve’s pride. He had just betrayed his own beliefs for the one person he loves. He backed down from his principles to help his love. He wasn’t embarrassed by himself. He assured himself that he has a reason to agree to this. He didn’t even ask Bucky if he were up to it as he knew that there was no use by doing so. Bucky would just remain silent or ask Steve to do whatever he wants. Bucky never made decisions for himself anymore and Steve wants to believe that Strange could help change that. Strange nodded. That was the signal that he was going to start his ritual. He seated Bucky and himself comfortably at a corner. Both of them in a soft cushioned chair each while Steve, Bruce and Tony watched them anxiously. “This might hurt a little.” There was no response. The asset has been hurt so many times and it didn’t matter now either. Vincent closed his eyes and placed his hands onto the soldier's head. His thoughts were focused on projecting himself into Barnes’ mind. A few minutes of fumbling around in a high-like feeling got his mind prepared for the real action. His body was vibrating ferociously, or at least it felt that way. Slowly he felt himself drifting and entering Barnes body, in a trance-like state. He was used to do this to himself, not on others. His hand gripped Bucky’s head rougher but there was no reaction from the ex-assassin. Once he was in, he felt the feeling of emptiness, not unlike himself. It was usual for his mind to wander off, only to return after a while. But it started to worry him a little when nothing changed. Only then he had realised that there was nothing in Barnes' mind and that he has to start searching for whatever that was left hidden. He tried looking for Barnes’ subconscious self. He walked across the vast field of emptiness, searching for at least something that can lead him in meeting Barnes' real self. He tried using incantations to enter a deeper state of mind, in hope that it would help him to find the deeper roots of his mind. Still, nothing. “Summoning ritual it is then,” Strange said to himself. He conjured up a mystical power, using the dark void to get into the deepest part of Barnes’ mind. What he eventually found, shocked him. He saw no one, all but three different personalities. Despite looking physically like each other, there was a different aura in all three of them. “I come here in peace. To help you.” Strange said. None of them responded. They presented themselves as entities and then slowly disappeared. Strange knew he had to do go on further, he needs to understand him thoroughly. Strange’s spirit self began manifesting himself as a person. He continued to chant Latin words. The view started to change again, there were colours, all kinds, like when you were high on LSD. And then there was nothing. At first he saw the a small kid, some child that probably looked like Barnes when he was younger. He saw the boy being tortured by his father. It was painful to see a kid crying and getting hit for something that wasn’t his fault, getting beaten by a drunkard. The kid was chained to a cold, rusted metal rod and the saddest thing was how he had accepted all of this as if it were his fate. How could anyone hurt their own flesh and blood like that, mercilessly? And that was the only thing that went on in Strange’s mind when he saw the whole act. Then, he could see a young blonde boy walking towards Strange himself, walked pass him like nothing happened, followed by another kid. He could hear voices of two children running around. “Wait up, Stevie.” “I might be sick one, but you’re slower, Buck.” It was always the same two voices. Strange was beginning to understand that this is who Bucky was, as a kid. His happy memories. Then the kids stopped running, one of them, the blonde had an asthma attack. Strange saw how the brunette was helping him with a distressed look on his face. “Promise me that you won’t do that again, Steve. You got me worried.” “I’m fine! Stop being such a mother hen.” Strange watched the antiques of both children until they were slowly growing up, one remained skinny and scrawny while the other grew up handsome. The brunette left school to earn money for the both of them. He saw how the brunette was treated by his boss, used as an object of sex just so that he could get extra money to put food onto the table for the both of them. He saw the first kiss, between the two young men. He saw every single intimate act that they got involved in and how they hid their relationship. It was agonising to see that they couldn’t love each other like how other lovebirds did, because it was wrong back then. The brunette went to war. He saw the brunette under the hands of Arnim Zola when his whole regiment got captured by Schmidt. He saw every single needle probing his skin, testing his resistance, giving him shot after shot of body enhancing serum. He saw the man in pain. He saw a blonde saving him, who Strange later realized was the same kid that the asset was in love with back when he was in Brooklyn. He saw the two men being together in war, hiding their secret from the other soldiers, avoiding each other desperately when their friends found out. He saw the brunette falling, bleeding out. He was saved by Hydra but he lost an arm. He survived the tortures, the whipping and the drowning, but he finally broke down when one of them showed him a newspaper cutting of Captain America dying. After that, everything were a downfall. His memory was wiped. He was tamed to be a coward. He awaited each punishment like a good, loyal, little dog. This process wasn’t a pretty one as he wasn't just physically or emotionally tortured. There were a few of his superiors using him as their little sex slave. And that disgusted Strange. He’d never seen a man being put through so much. Sexual torture was always the worst, the most damaging. The one that was most frowned upon, yet it often gave the best results. The man was then conditioned to become a soldier, mastering every single skill that was thrown at him. He’d become the perfect weapon, one that does what he’s told, no questions asked. One thing that bothered Strange was that every time they wanted him to kill someone they’d tell him that his work was a gift to mankind and that he was helping others. Strange realised that there was something more than what meets the eye here, as if the soldier was always sacrificing himself for what he believed would have helped others. He saw the incident when the Hydra men had hurt him, wiping his memory over again, torturing him for telling them that he remembers the man at the bridge. The asset denied knowing the man after that because he understood that knowing the man meant punishment and punishment meant he was at fault. Strange saw how the man didn’t want to kill Steve, saved him from drowning, as if it was already his instinct to save the one person he loves the most. He saw every single thing that Barnes had undergone. He understood that the three entities represent the three different beings that Barnes has become. His own, original self. The asset, who was the victim, the slave. The Winter Soldier, the deadliest weapon. Everyone has seen the soldier, heard of him. Only Steve and Strange knew his original self. And it was Strange alone who had the opportunity to witness the asset in his weakest and most vulnerable state, which was far worse than what Barnes was letting on to the people around him. Strange was once again surrounded by the three entities, one looking at him with sadness, another with fear, and the final one with anger. “Vincent? Strange? Get out! Get out !”Strange felt his connections with the soldier weaken. He could start to feel his physical body again, he woke up from the subconscious state. He saw Steve and Bruce arching over Bucky, tending to him while Tony was tugging Strange’s hand. “Why did you interrupt us, Stark?” Bucky. His mouth was foaming, he was having another seizure, and this time it was worst. He was having multiple spasms and he was calling out to Steve uncontrollably. Strange remembers the asset calling out to Steve every time he was hurt, every time he got beaten, even after his memory was wiped after a few times. It took a lot of practice to remove the part of the asset that cried for his lover whenever he was in pain. Strange saw how Steve was holding Bucky’s body, hugging him; assuring him that everything was going to be alright. Steve made sure to exchange glances with Strange. ~ Steve only motioned to talk to Strange when Bucky was lying asleep on his lap. Steve was slowly, continuously, caressing the brunette’s hair, as if it was a calming and therapeutic gesture for the older man. He was partly worried that Strange would judge him, judge them for what they were back then. “The things you saw between us, I just want to…” “It’s okay. Your secret is safe with me, Steve. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Tony looked at them. He didn’t know they meant, but he knew that there was something fishy going on. “Steve, I have to tell you that he has suffered so much. His mind.. his mind is like scrambled eggs. There’s nothing else to save from there. But just so you know, he is still down there, a very small part of him. He is overpowered by two other superior personalities, one which is constantly in fear and the other which is constantly waiting for orders.” “Can’t you help him?" Steve asked. His voice was full of despair, as if his entire life was crushed and there was nothing else worth living for. "I’m sorry, Steve. This involves the matter of the heart and the mind. I don’t have the ability to heal him, but..” “But?” “I know someone who might.” “Who?” “Loki.” Chapter End Notes My favorite lines in this are; 'The worst things in life come free to us, 'cause we're just under the upperhand." I believe that this song symbolises more than just drug abuse.You see, it is so easy to suffer. The worst things are free in life; the emotional anguish, the physical anguish, the addictions, the needs, the dead ends. We're all under the upper hand, the things we want and dream about. We all end up falling short of our idealistic desires. We're "slowly sinking, wasting". Although it is mainly about drug addiction, it can also represent how everyone in life has something that drags them down and keeps them from "flying". In this fic, I would say that Bucky is dragged down by his alter egos, while Steve is dragged down by his love and affection. *hints* It's a flashback chapter next!!! ***** Chapter 14 ***** Chapter Summary I know you want to prove yourself to the world, but don’t. It doesn’t matter what the world thinks of us. They don’t know you like I do. And if there’s one thing that’ll keep me smiling, that will be you. No matter how many times I say this, it will never be enough. I love you. Chapter Notes God, this chapter's so sappy, it's got the word smut written all over it. Lady Antebellum - Need you now. x See the end of the chapter for more notes It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without. I just need you now. July 1939 At camp It was so late at night. Everyone had gone asleep, except for the grey eyed soldier. He had waited for everyone to hit the sacks before he continued his plan. He took a candle out with him as he walked out of the tent as quiet as a mouse, tip toeing. Once he reached his spot, by the rock, he lit up the candle with his lighter, and preceded to take out the neatly folded piece of paper that was delivered to him this morning. Dear Bucky, It has been so long. Bucky stopped reading. He was sure he had heard footsteps. He turned around, with the paper held tightly in his hand. “Who’s there?” No answer. Bucky waited for a few minutes to pass, making sure there wasn’t anyone near him. He was always so paranoid, worried that someone would actually find out that he was fairy or something. Dear Bucky, It has been so long. How are you? How’s everything? As for me, I’m having a rough time with my job. My superiors still doubt me for my size, assuming that I am unable to perform as well as them; ordinary men. I don’t see how someone’s size and gender can determine the quality of their work. I hate these double standards. They don’t pay me as much as they pay the other guys but the wage is enough for me to sustain a modest life. The good news is one of my works got published as a front cover and it’s getting tones of great reviews. The old neighbors have stopped talking. They don’t look at me like some kind of abomination anymore. And Angie dropped by that day. She asked about you and I told her that you went to war. She asked how I was coping and I said I was okay. She brought some of that apple pie, the one that you loved. Too bad we had to finish it, cause it would be rotten and moldy by the time you reached home. But hey, I promise I’ll make some for you if you return safely. I asked her for the recipe and I had been trying to get it right for days now. I still have your picture you know, the one I drew. I look at it every day, wishing it were you. I miss our fights, it had kept us together and near each other. I wish I could touch you, or even let you touch me. I want to kiss you, but never mind, just forget about it. I hate this, I hate being far from you. But I know it’s your duty, and I’m proud that you are risking your life for the comfort that the rest of us get at home. I want to do the same like you, I tried enlisting, but they wouldn’t accept me. I think you’d know why. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Love, You know who. Many soldiers got letters from back home, from their wives or their loyal lovers. Their loved ones. This was Bucky’s first letter. He caressed the soft, cheap paper with the tips of his fingers. He sniffed it, and it smelled like rose and satin, exactly what Steve always smelled like. He let his guard down a little, trying to relax his shoulders. Within seconds the paper was snatched from his hand. “What the hell?!” He turned around to see who did it. Dum Dum and Falsworth were standing right behind him. Dernier, Jones and Morita were coming out of the tent one by one, with grins wide from ear to ear. “Dammit guys, give it back!” Both of the men ran as fast as they could from Barnes. They knew they’d be in great trouble if he were to catch them now. If they got back with the rest of the Commandos, he’d be unable to fight them. [Dernier] “ont-ils obtenu sa lettre?” (Did they get his letter?”) Gabe nodded, smiling with half of his teeth visible. [Barnes] “Come on guys, it’s not funny! I don’t read your stuff!” [Falsworth] “We don’t read them in the dark or at night, Sarge.” [Barnes] “It’s private!” Bucky tried snatching the letter from them, but they were quicker. They hovered the letter in mid-air, as it if were a tease to their superior. [Dugan] “You don’t have anything to hide, do you?” His tone was a cheeky one, but it had already got Bucky a little sweaty. He knew that if his secret ever got out, he was gonna have a rough time. Most soldiers hated fairies and if they ever got their hands of on one, that’ll be the end of them. [Barnes] “No, it’s nothin’ like that, but…” [Jones] “Then, you don’t have to worry. We’re all men here. I believe we can relate to what your girl might be writing." They laughed. The rest of the boys sat in a small circle, each trying to read what was written. Each tugging whichever side they could get their hands on. [Falsworth] “Calm down fellas. It’s gonna get torn and we don’t want Sarge to be pissed off with us. You know what? I’ll just read it out loud." Shit, Bucky thought to himself. This was gonna be harder than he thought. ~ [Dernier] “sons comme se ils avaient beaucoup de plaisir.” (Sounds like they had a lot of fun). He winked his eye in Bucky’s direction. [Barnes] “What’s he sayin’?” [Jones] “You guys were pretty close, weren’t you?” [Barnes] “Yeah.” Bucky stopped with a simple answer, he didn’t know what else to say. Saying too much might just reveal everything. [Dugan] “You never told us you were married.” [Barnes] “We’re n-not ma-married.” [Falsworth] “Jesus, that made a lot of sense now you know. Cause once you get married, then phewww... That's the end of it. But don't get me wrong, the sex actually gets better." Everyone laughed. Bucky just gave a weak smile. He couldn’t laugh like how they did, because deep down, he was madly in love with another guy. [Morita] “What’s she like?” [Barnes] “Cute and caring.” [Dugan] “Could you be even more obvious, Barnes? It was pretty clear how you felt about her. You were blushin’ like an apple when Monty was readin’ the letter.” [Barnes]“Um. Blonde. Huge blue eyes that shine like sapphire. Small in size, I would guess about 5 foot 4. Looks like an angel, but if I were you, I wouldn’t let the look of innocence fool me. Picks up fights with ‘ose bullies al’ the time." [Jones] “She sounds like one hell of a woman.” [Dernier] “quel est son nom?” [Jones] “Her name?” [Barnes] “Look guys, I’m not one to kiss and tell." [Falsworth] “Oh come on, mate. It’s just a name." [Barnes] “I think it’s good enough that I share a part of my personal life with you guys.” Bucky rose up, took back his paper and walked until he was halfway from where he sat earlier. Sporadically, he stopped, turned behind and faced the men. “Oh, and one more thing, don’t ever do this again. I’d hate to give all of you sentry duty.” Once Barnes had entered the tent, the men looked at each other, whispering to each other in soft voices. ~ [Barnes] “RUN!!!” [Dugan] “We’re a team! We’re not leaving you here without backup!” [Barnes] “This is not a request. This is an order.” Sounds of artillery could be heard. It was loud and noisy. Falsworth was already injured, he needed medical attention. If the rest of the men were still here, they could get hurt and Barnes couldn’t risk his men like that. Bucky threw a grenade and it probably hit a few other soldiers from the opposing side. He got shot at, but he didn’t feel any pain. The adrenaline was strong enough to keep him moving forward and lashing out one attack after another. Bucky hid behind one of the fox holes, aimed a shot at the remaining 6 men. He took out everyone with a bullet each. It was when he tried going back to their camp that he felt a stabbing pain in his right thigh. There was blood soaked on the uniform covering his skin. Extracting the bullet embedded in his skin was excruciating, especially when there wasn’t any anesthetic to stop the pain. Bucky tried to refrain himself from shouting, but when the doctor was taking out the bullet, he screamed in pain. It wasn’t like he didn’t get shot before. Hell, he got shot all the time. It would be bruises, scratches, and rarely, like this time, bullets penetrating the skin. And when the procedure was done, he would get back to his place, often being surrounded by his men. [Falsworth] “We could have helped you, Sarge.” [Barnes] “I got them, didn’t I? Besides, most of their shots were crappy. Luckily for me, most of ‘em didn’t hit. If you guys were there, chances are, you guys would've gotten hurt too.” Bucky slowly sat up, resting his leg. [Jones] “It’s our job too, you know." [Barnes] “But, it’s my job to keep you guys safe." [Dugan] “But I really don’t like that stunt you did back there. I ain’t gonna be the one telling your girl that you were too busy protecting our asses if you don’t get back alive.” They laughed it off as a joke, but deep down, all men understood that these were the types of risks that they would be facing when they agreed to join the fight. Getting injured or killed was something normal, it was to be expected. War is often glorified. You’d hear kids wanting to be soldiers, but they never actually know what goes on during a war. They don’t see bodies being dumped into big wagons, they don't see men not being given the respect of a proper burial. They never see men melting like candle wax when there was poisonous gas slowly seeping through the atmosphere. It was only thise who really experienced it that would understand the true damage that war had on people. [Morita] “Come on guys, let the Sarge get some rest.” They were heading outside. When the other guys were already out, Dugan turned back. “Hey Barnes?” “Yeah?” “I noticed that you still haven’t answered her letter. You got hurt today, you never know when you’d go missing or lose your life. I’d hate to see a strong, young woman like her get broken hearted.” “I know.” Barnes paused. “Can you do something for me?” “Yeah, sure.” Bucky lowered his head, took out his dog tags and handed them to Dum Dum. He pressed the metal into his hand, and then motioned to cover them with his own hands. “If I go MIA or anything, I want you to pass this to a friend of mine. Steve Rogers. He lives in Brooklyn. He'll know what to do with it.” Bucky moved around, looking for some kind of scrap paper to write down Steve’s address down. Dugan just nodded. “And don’t worry, I’ll start writing.” ~ Once everyone had left the sergeant alone, he began fumbling his thoughts, searching for the best words to fit into a letter. Darling, No. It sounded too usual. Baby Doll, That’s better. Baby Doll, I’m not used to writing letters and all. I’m not one with words. But, I feel the urge to talk to you, tell you how I feel. Tell you how much I wish I was back home, by your side. Everything over this side of the world is just the same as it always is, bloody. People die and get hurt. I got shot at today. Nothing big, just a bullet through my thigh. Before you get worried, I just wanted to tell you that I’m fine, the doctor got the bullet out. War isn’t peachy. It’s heroic and all, but at the end of the day, the things you see, it’s just unimaginable. I don’t want you over here because I know that you’ll be safer back home. I don’t want you to get hurt and I’d do anything to keep you safe. Sometimes, I wake up middle of the night, nightmares picturing that you were fighting the war with me, by my side, you getting injured, leaving me unable to help you. And when I actually wake up, I’d feel lucky, that it’s me fighting this war, and not you. God, I miss you so much. I want to run my fingers through your hair like how I always did when you laid your head on me. When the wind blows, I can hear the voices in the air calling out your name. I don’t know if I’m just imagining things or if nature’s playing tricks on me. You know what I’d do when I miss you? I look at the stars and I imagine that we’re looking at the same ones. I imagine sitting side by side with you, so close, skin to skin. Maybe, if we both do the same, gaze upon the same stars, we could actually feel each other. I know you want to prove yourself to the world, but please don’t. It doesn’t matter what the world thinks of us. They don’t know you like I do. And if there’s one thing that’ll keep me smiling, it will always be you. No matter how many times I say this, I know that it will never be enough. I love you. Bucky. Your Bucky. Chapter End Notes Firstly, i would like to apologize if there were any mistakes with the French. I can't speak French, I had to use google to translate it, so it might sound a little bit weird. Do correct me if there's anything wrong. And just like the song, Steve and Bucky are in need of each other. They miss each other terribly and by writing letters, the only means of communication available at that time, they know that the other is alive. It is also the only way that they can subtly feel the other's presence. Second, chapter 15 will be a trip to Asgard. :) ***** Chapter 15 ***** Chapter Summary This time Steve’s eyes met those belonging of the younger God. It had the look of innocence. It had withheld tears. “I need your help, please.” Chapter Notes This is a very short chapter. The following chapters will also be shorter, but hopefully, not as short as this one. XD And the song for this chapter is Coldplay's The scientist. x See the end of the chapter for more notes Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions. Oh, let's go back to the start, Running in circles, coming up tails, Heads on a science apart. Present day Avengers Tower “You’re telling me, that the only person who can help him, is Loki? What about Thor?” “Thor is righteous, a good, kindhearted king. Loki, though he might be the trickster, is far more powerful than his brother. He had manipulated me once, and I don’t like him one bit. But, I believe that he is the only choice that you have left.” There was a silence in the room. No one spoke for a long time. The three conscious men looked at Steve, as if they were waiting for an answer. “I’m going to Asgard. With Bucky.” "So, you're telling me that you're gonna hook up with that bastard to save Bucky?" There was a certain annoyance in Starks’s tone. “What is wrong with you? Don't you remember what he did to us?” “Tony has a point, Steve. Loki isn’t the type who keeps a promise. He would use everything against us, and you know it too." Bruce agreed with Tony. “I have to try at least something. I need to.” “NO. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I DON’T GET IT WHY YOU SEE THIS HYDRA ASSASSIN AS SOMETHING WORTH SAVING. IT’S CLEAR THAT HE DOESN’T REMEMBER YOU.” “He knows me, Tony. He saved me.” “Just because there was, what, he had some slight recognition of what you might have meant to him, it doesn't mean that he actually knows the about the nature of your relationship. And reasoning out with Loki is plain stupid." “I’M NOT GIVING UP ON BUCKY AND MY DECISION IS FINAL.” Tony knew that it wasn’t worth arguing with Steve anymore. If Steve is gonna dig his own grave, so be it. He wasn't going to stop him anymore. “How are we going to do this, Strange?” “Loki is locked up in Asgard, so we have to meet up with Thor first.” “How do we go to Asgard?” “You hold my hand. I bring your inner self there, and then ask Thor to get us up physically.” “I’m coming.” Tony had butt in. There was a look of disbelief in Steve’s face. There he was, one minute ago, arguing with him that talking to Loki would be the worst thing imaginable. “If you’re doing something stupid, I’m not gonna let you do it alone.” “Me too.” Bruce agreed. “You will need to bring Bucky, and that will make five of us. Alright, I want each of you to hold hands, form a circle.” ~ Minutes of blackness turned into golden light when all of them opened their eyes. “Vincent, my friend. It’s good to see you here. Ah, and you brought visitors. Steven, Anthony, Bruce.” Thor nodded each time he said out the name, as if he was welcoming them. Thor introduced himself to the foreign face. “I am Thor Odinson of Asgard and you are?” Bucky looked at Steve waiting for a sign of permission. “ I-I am the asse- Bucky.” “Bucky?” Thor tried saying the name out loud, trying to get the pronunciation right. “Do pardon me. I would have to request to Heimdal to open the gates, so that I may bring you physically to the land of Asgardians.” Thor walked out and came back within 10 minutes. At first there wasn’t anything, but there was a mild dizziness that slowly crept up into their self. Tony was the most disturbed by it, as if he got it the worst. He would feel like he was going to puke and he had these short bursts of sharp intense pain in his head. This effect lasted for a short while, but it felt like forever. “Now that all of you my friends are here, I assume this is something more than a social visit?” “I need your help.” “Yes, anything for you, my friend.” “I was hoping that you could cure him. I don’t know how to explain this, but..” Steve tried to put everything he knew Barnes was facing into words, the things http the brunette had gone through, the things that Hydra has done to him. “Yes, Strange is right. Only Loki can help your friend. I’ll get him to talk to you. He might be stubborn but he’s my brother. I’m sure he will help you.” ~ “Why would I even help you? You people are the reason that I’m spending the rest of my life behind glass walls as a prisoner.” “Brother, it has been our custom to offer whatever help to people who have come to us for help.” “It’s a custom for you. Not me. The last time I checked, I’m not an Asgardian.” “No matter what you think, you will always be my brother.” “If I may?” A voice approached the two brothers who were conversing. Steve’s been listening to them talk and he knows that Loki isn’t going to help him unless he is returned the favor. “Oh, look. It’s Captain Justice and Freedom. It’s you who’s asking for my help?” Steve nodded. “I have to decline your request.” “I am sorry, Steven. I have failed you when you needed my assistance.” “It’s okay, I understand.” Steve and Thor were about to walk out when Loki called them again. “I changed my mind. I will help you if..” The dark haired God spoke up. Upon hearing his voice, Steve turned his head to the chambers where the prisoners were kept, faced directly at the one that housed the trickster. “If?” Steve asks. “If I am given freedom to roam the land. And that you’ll give me the throne when father offers it to you.” “Considered it agreed, brother.” Thor said. “Thor, no. You don't have to do this.” Steve protested. He didn’t like the idea of making Thor sacrifice his birth right just because of Steve’s own selfish needs. “I am more than happy to help. This is the least I can do for helping me back in Midgard.” “But first….” Loki wasn’t done with his requests. “I want you to beg me.” He pointed to Steve. “On your knees, that is.” Steve got down to the positioned that he needed to. His knees could feel the coolness of the golden floor through the material of his clothing. “Please.” “Say it like you mean it.” This time Steve’s eyes met those belonging of the younger God. It had the look of innocence. It had withheld tears. “I need your help, please.” Thor didn’t like how his friend was humiliated, but then again, he realised that there was something in Steve that was so willing, to do anything to help Bucky. “When shall we begin?” Thor opened the glass door that Loki was locked in. It had been ages since Loki has been given the pleasure of setting his foot on the free land. Loki had requested that Bucky to be laid on a flat surface, so that he could control the brunette's mind in a much easier manner. “Are you sure you want to do this? This might not work out perfectly. He might break down if he's inflicted with a certain trigger. I can get him back on his own two feet but that means I will have to bring back every single memory that is suppressed inside of him.” Steve agreed. He cannot bear watching Bucky treating himself like a slave anymore. It just wasn’t right. At least with Loki's help, it might just mean that Bucky won’t be so damaged anymore. As Loki began to cast a few spells onto him, everyone watched in awe how the green vapour just emerged out of nowhere. The asset could see everything that Loki did, heard every single word he enchanted. He saw another weirdly dressed man, adorned with the most beautiful, long, golden locks. He felt that the colour of his hair somehow resembled those of Steve’s. He saw the doctor and the mechanic who tried fixing his hand standing beside Steve. He felt Steve’s hands slowly moving its way, tangling his fingers with those of Bucky’s. It was rather strange. He had no memory of doing this but he recognized it, it felt good, it felt safe and comfortable. He liked it very much. Slowly, Loki used his fingers to cover the eyes of the soldier, when the soldier had reached a state of subconsciousness. He continued his methods until he felt that it was truly enough. “He needs to rest, your friend. Travelling back to Midgard might hurt the healing process.” “Thank you, Loki.” “You’re welcome. And as for you, brother dearest, remember that you have a promise to keep.” “I have never gone back on my word, Loki. And you know that too.” Thor glared at the black haired God. After exchanging glances with his brother, Thor turned to Steve and his friends. “You are welcomed to stay here as long as you want to, brethren.” “Thank you, Thor. I’m sorry for the inconvenience that I have caused you.” “No worries, Steven. I’m glad as ever to help. And I’ll leave the both of you here. I assume you might want to be here when he wakes up?” “Yes.” “Anthony, Bruce and Vincent, you shall follow me. I’ll give you a private tour, show you all of Asgard.” “Sounds great to me, big guy.” “Me too.“ Banner answered. “And you’d know me far too well, son of Odin, that I will not reject an amazing offer like this.” Strange continued. This would be the best opportunity for them to discover and explore the place where people could only dream of visiting. Chapter End Notes I chose this song for this chapter because it resembles how Steve is going back to the start with Bucky and that he'll be prepared for whatever the outcome is. He'll be ready for the questions. Ready to accept all of Bucky's secrets and dark past with Hydra. I want to say thank you for being so patient with me and actually reading this far. :D ***** Chapter 16 ***** Chapter Summary “And, can you promise me something?” Steve’s stomach twisted. He knew that Bucky was going to ask him to do something stupid. Something that they both would end up feeling hurt. Bucky’s tone was a dead giveaway. Nevertheless, he answered. “Promise me, that when the war is over, you’ll forget about us. Forget that we did all of these. Get married to Carter and live in one of those white picket fenced houses.” “I can’t promise that Buck. I can never forget you. You know that too.” “Neither can I, Steve. But at least just pretend like nothing ever happened between us." Bucky paused a while only to look in Steve's wet eyes. "Being Captain America’s number two is good enough for me." Chapter Notes Song for this chapter is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol x See the end of the chapter for more notes If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me, and just forget the world? April 15th, 1942 Schmidt’s test lab Bucky hasn’t heard from Steve from over a year now. No letters, no nothing. There was a part of Bucky that thought that Steve might have moved on, probably found some pretty dame, went out on dates with her. He preferred the thought of Steve living with someone else more than the thought that Steve might be dead, from some disease. If there was one thing he would do right now, if Steve was alive, it would be to tell Steve that he loved him. This might be the last of Bucky’s days and he’d hate to think that he himself had let go of Steve without saying the one thing his heart had always told him. His eyes were already red, his muscles ached. Needles and needles of god-knows- what punctured his skin. Every inch of his body was tired, feeling sore and broken. He couldn’t take the beatings anymore, but if that keeps his men safe, he’ll do it all over again. He needs to protect them, that's his duty. “STEVE!” He shouts, every single time that the Doctor injected him. It hurt. It hurt like hell. His body would burn, as if he were some meager candle wax, made for burning. His limbs would twitch uncontrollably. He knew if he didn’t die now, he would at least live long enough to see himself become the villain. And he definitely didn’t want the latter. He wished that he would die, just die on the operating table that he was tied on. But if he died, that would mean that someone else would have to take his place, and he didn’t like the idea of anyone else suffering all the things that he was going through right now. Bucky winced. This is it. This was the end. The moment of truth. But instead, he saw the man panicking, taking his files and start to run away. And this time, a different, a muscular figure hovered over him. His eyes, they reminded him of something, he couldn’t place his mind on. “It's me. It's Steve.” It took Bucky a while to actually get a hold of himself in front of the other. “Steve?” He asked in disbelief. “Come on.” “Steve.” “I thought you were dead.” “I thought you were smaller.” ~ April 21st, 1942 Steve made sure that no one was near Bucky when he wanted to visit him in the recovery tent. There were other wounded soldiers around, resting, all with some sort of company, except Bucky. Bucky and Steve hadn’t seen each other for more than two years now, the last time they laid eyes on each other was during the Science expo. Steve has kept so many things from Bucky. And now that he’s seen Buck on that table at the Hydra base, he feels guilty, for letting him go to war in the first place. He should have known that Bucky would get his stupid ass in trouble. “How are you doing, Buck?” “‘M fine.” Bucky lied. The effects were still strong, his body was in shock and pain, a combination that seems to be poisonous. “What about you? Did it hurt?” “A little.” “Is this permanent?” “So far.” Bucky was hurt bad, Steve could see right through him. And here he was again, asking about how Steve was doing, if the process of turning into Captain America was a painful one. Why can’t Bucky just look after himself for once, just once. He deserves being taken care of, Steve thought. Bucky had asked the same question when they were trying to escape from the base, but still, Bucky asked Steve again, as if he didn’t believe allow these. Steve knew Bucky was trying to assure himself that Steve was doing fine just like old times when Bucky would ask Steve repeated if he was okay, after an asthma attack. The thing that Steve doesn't understand that it's already hardwired in Bucky's brain that no matter what happens, Steve always comes first.Always.Even when the brunette's whole life was at stake. Steve would never realise that. Just like how he didn't realise the fact that Bucky made sure Steve was in front of him, right in front of his eyes when they were running for an escape from the base that Bucky was tortured in, even when he can barely breathe with all those Hydra poisons inside of him, even when it was clear to him that Steve was way much stronger now, than he was. Maybe because Bucky's used to watching Steve's every step. Maybe because Steve was used to having Bucky to guard his back. Maybe because Bucky loved Steve and there was nothing in the world that can change how important Steve was to him. There were things that even the trickster himself can never change, and Bucky being Bucky was one of them. Bucky sat up in silence. He looked at the man who was sitting on a stool, in front of him. His hair wasn’t as floppy as before. It was neatly combed, gelled and nicely styled. His face was a little more fleshy, squarish jaw that amplified the lips that he used to love. His eyes were still blue, the most beautiful shade of blue that he knows of. But they were a little smaller now. They weren’t as huge as they were when his face was small and skinny. The new Steve didn’t need no protecting against anything. There was no use for Bucky now. There was no reason for Steve to ever want him anymore. Bucky was damaged goods and Steve, Steve on the other hand was Adonis. He’d be stupid to trade all those perfect abs for someone with hideous scars all over his body. “What are you doing here, Stevie? Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” “You’re the only place I know, Buck. You’re the only one I ever had.” “Come on, don’t tell me the chicks aren’t all over ya?” Bucky asked in a playful tone. “Tonnes of them. But they’ll never be like you, Buck.” A slight pause continued. “But there’s this one. Her name is Peggy.” “Tell me about this Peggy.” “She’s gorgeous. And she believed in me like you did, even before the serum and all. She’s nice.” “You’ve got a picture of her, Stevie?” Steve took out his compass and showed the black and white image to Bucky. “She’s beautiful.” Bucky can already imagine Steve living in a house, bunch of kids, like a normal good ol’ American. He’d do better without Bucky. The brunette flashed a faint smile. “Buck?” “Yeah?” “I missed you so much.” “Missed ya too, punk.” “I mean it.” Steve moved his hands, clasped it against the rough ones belonging to that of James Buchanan Barnes. He could feel every blister and peeled skin from Bucky’s palm. “I know.” Bucky had pulled his hand away when he saw a soldier walking towards him.Couldn’t let people see. The soldier told him that the colonel wanted to meet him. ~ It was already night when Steve realizes that Bucky wasn’t back with the other men. He tried asking around, some of them said he was eating, some said they saw him wandering near the woods. But when he found Bucky, it was near the small stream, overlooking the dark trees and misty mountains. Steve sat down beside the brunette. For nearly half an hour they sat beside each other, not saying a word. The silence was loud. “They want me out, Steve. Honourable discharge. But I know what they mean.” Bucky’s words were soft, full of remorse. “ They think I broke down.” Steve would try anything to help his lover, but no, no words will cure the feeling of emptiness and worthlessness that Bucky feels. Steve knows that. He was there before. “I didn’t break you know. I swear I didn’t. They asked me about Captain America, and at that time, I didn’t know a single damn thing that it was ya. Them Germans pushed me down the edges, but I know I didn’t break. I just know it.” Bucky’s voice was cracking. Steve knew that he couldn’t face Bucky crying. Even when it was dark, his vision was good now, and he would be able to see the tears. He doesn’t want to see the bravest and strongest man that he knows to become weak. Steve hugs him. Grabbed him tight. Real good. He could feel Bucky’s muscular arms over his back, in a grip similar to that of Steve’s. “I don’t h-have anything else, Stevie. Nothing to g-go back to. I can’t go b- back. It’s meaningless back home. At least here, I ge-get to do something useful. Be someone you’d be proud of.” “God, Buck. I’ve always been proud of you. Proud that you chose me. Proud when you went to war. Proud that you loved me.” Steve could feel Bucky’s hand clasped his torso even tighter now. He could feel the man shaking, trembling. “It’s okay. I’ll think of something. Don’t worry.” Steve let go of the hug, moved his hands to Bucky’s face now. Using his thumbs to wipe of the wet blotches on Bucky’s cheeks. His palms could feel the rough stubbles on his skin. Steve knew no one would be out, at night this late. He saw them all getting into their tents, wanting to catch up on those times of sleepless nights. But not Steve. If there's anything that he wants to catch up with, it's his time with Bucky. Only God knows how much he's prayed so that he can see Bucky again, just him being alive was enough. He placed a kiss on Bucky’s forehead while his hands still remained at their positions. He placed another kiss onto his nose, gently. He saw how Bucky's eyes closed when his lips touched the dirtied skin of his face, as if he was extremely touched starved, basking in every sensation of Steve had onto his rough skin. But when the realization that they were in the middle of some part of nowhere, near a stream where anyone could pass by and notice what they were doing, his eyes were fully open and in fear. “Steve, what are you doing? So-someone might see us.” “Shhhh, it’s alright. No one’s gonna come and search for us at this time.” Steve looked directly into Bucky’s grey eyes. “I’m pretty sure we’re alone.” Steve bit his lip, and this time he made sure that Bucky noticed the way that Steve looked at his lips. “Besides, it’s been so long.” Steve's hand pushed the sweat covered hair off of Bucky's forehead, pressing it against the rest of the dark brown patch of sticky hair on his head. Bucky knew that too. He’s been dreaming for a moment like this, just to be close with Steve again. And now when he’s gotten it, he is slightly worried. Thousands of ‘what if’ questions flooded his mind. He was gonna get discharged anyway, so it wouldn’t harm him much. But Steve’s still serving, and the consequences would be horrible for him if anyone actually found out. “What if they find out? Yo-you might get into trouble.” “I don’t think they’d want to mess with Captain America.” With that, Steve sealed Bucky’s lips with a kiss. Steve's hand cupped the face of the older soldier gently, positioning it so right, right where he wanted it to be. His hand was fast but not hasty, as it ran down his neck, pulling drops of sweat and dirt together along Bucky's bruised skin. Steve tried to savour the feeling of having Bucky near and close to him again, only with kiss that has waited far too long. Bucky didn’t move. He was pretty much static. And when Steve noticed how he didn't get much reaction from the one person who used to get all jelly when the blonde was practically right in front of him, he knew that there was something wrong. “If you don’t want this, it’s okay.” Steve said. “No. I’m just- I haven’t done this in a while.” “That makes two of us, Buck. But the question is, do you want to?” There was a small silence before a quite answer,an answer that Steve almost missed, caught his ears. “Yes.” And this time, Bucky kissed Steve. He gripped the other man’s uniform by its collar, tugging the yellow ochre tie that matched so well with the uniform that he was adorned with. Steve already started moving his hands under the hem of the loose, green baggy shirt that Bucky has been wearing for three whole days now. “Rip it off.” Bucky said in a raspy voice. “You sure?” “I can get another shirt if that’s what you’re worried about.” Steve raised his eyebrows. He took out his hands from under Bucky’s body. He gripped the front where a button used to be, and tore the shirt apart with his bare hands. Shrrrkkk. The sound of cotton shredding was loud. Steve looked down at the bare abdomen that was displayed in front of him. It was the same as he remembers it. Except for the new scars and wounds. It still looked the same when it glistened with sweat, except for the small bones that seemed to potrude through the slightly thin body. His fingers fiddled with the zipper of Bucky’s pants. He pulled them down and tossed them aside. Steve took off the top of his uniform, the smooth brown material. He rolled it in a bunch. “Get up.” “What?” “Here, put this under your head.” “Steve, I don’t need that as a pillow.” “Just take it. You might hurt your head.” Steve said sternly. Bucky took the bunched up cloth, placed it under his head. “Happy?” Steve smiled. He moved downwards, the grin on his face continued. Bucky was already fully naked when Steve started licking him. Bucky could feel the cold ground against his skin. He could feel the small particles of soil that poked his skin. They were sharp. Made small spots of red on his skin. Steve moved his head up and down, slowly sucking and making sure that Bucky felt pleasure. And he knew he was doing great when he saw the brunette arching up, putting all his weight on his shoulders. “Oh God, Stevie. “Steve.” “Steven Grant Rogers.” “Oh, baby.” Steve could feel his own hardness when he heard Bucky calling out his name. Every word that came out of Bucky’s mouth was needy and desperate for Steve. He moaned like a fucking slut in heat, desperate to be fucked in every way that was possible. Open and vulnerable for Steve. His Steve. Steve licked the precum that was on Bucky’s tip. He sucked the purplish tip hard, giving it a nice firm pop sound when he lifted his mouth every inward and then just to see Bucky squirm. Bucky’s hand pushed Steve’s head down, clamping the loose strands of hair and holding the blonde's cranium in place. Steve made sure to pay extra attention to Bucky’s balls too. He knew that Bucky was sensitive there. All those times back in Brooklyn, he remembers how he pleasured his Bucky, and how the brunette would want to scream his name out loud until the whole neighbourhood could hear, only that he didn't because it was wrong if people ever found out. Disgusting. Steve remembers Bucky telling him how badly he wanted to put a ring on his finger, and how he would have married Steve right away at the old chapel that was down the road, even if he wasn't believer. Start a nice little family, have kids. Grow old together and watch the sunsets by the porch. He would have, could have done all of that, all of what he wanted his entire life, if only one of them were a dame. Steve remembers Bucky telling him how he wouldn't mind being a girl, doing girly stuff, the rest of his life if it meant getting to love each other correctly. Steve remembers how he thought Bucky was only saying that because he doesn't want Steve to feel small and weak, lady-like even, how the blonde used to believe that's why he said he was willing to become the girl in their relationship. But Bucky loved the pounding, the stretching. The way Steve's dick would fit nicely in his hole, the way the his wanton hole would take up every single inch of Steve's member, accompanied by soft and delicate, sexy moans from his mouth, that made Steve even more harder than he already was. "P-put it in me Steve. I need you to... to let me feel it...Stevie ..." Steve doesn't hesitate when Bucky begs him like that. Bucky's been a good soldier, he deserves this. Steve gets over his torso, shielding the body underneath him a little from the dark sky as he positions his cock right at Bucky's entrance. He licked his index finger, as he was going to prep Bucky up a little. But eventually he didn't as the brunette begged him to just fuck him like that. Raw and sore. Roughly used up for sex, by America's favorite poster boy of honour. And all those thoughts about Bucky, about his precious, got Steve really pumped up. Bucky's voice was addictive enough to make him break his decency and pound into Bucky without any remorse. Blood was gushing through his veins, from his head to his cock. He was so sure he would have passed out due to the lack of oxygen channeled to his brain as he went in and out of Bucky in such a haste. Bucky was panting non-stop when he was in his climax, called out Steve’s name so loud when he reached his orgasm. His voice echoed through the distant woods, reverberating through the air, filling up the atmosphere. His cum was all over Steve’s body like a flag, marking up a territory to not be trespassed by others. Creaming up the body of Captain America shamelessly. He then got up, pushed the blonde down and began peppering sloppy wet kisses, admiring every inch of the broad shoulders, fortified muscles. The chiseled structure of his abs. The perfect body. Steve loved it. He felt so special, but he stopped the thought from continuing. It wasn’t right to be prideful. But you can’t help yourself if you’ve got James Barnes making you feel like the you’re only thing in the whole world that he cares about. “I’m gonna need a bigger mouth.” “Oh, shut up, Barnes.” “Aye aye captain.” Both men giggled like school boys that got away with a crime. Bucky then began licking and sucking Steve. It was exactly how he remembers it. Steve might have changed physically, but he still smells like a friggin’ teddybear. No doubt about that. Once Bucky got Steve fully down his throat, he saw the full effect it had on Steve. Steve was all red, moaning his name non-stop. Calling out Bucky like it was the only sane thing in his mind. “Bucky... James... Oh fuck. Bucky.... Fuck. Fuck yeah. Bucky, I’m gonna cum!” And Bucky slowed down, positioned his mouth properly and made sure to get all Steve’s sweetness in. Not even spilling one drop of it. And when Steve was done, Bucky swallowed everything right into his system, brushing his lips roughly after that. When every single creamy drop was gone, all that he could taste was some sort of sour bitterness in his mouth, which suprisingly, was one that he craved deeply. “Com’ere Buck.” Steve called out to the brunette who was still kneeling in front of him, savouring whatever nothing that was left in his mouth. Bucky did as he was told. He laid beside the super soldier, his head on Steve’s outstretched hand. The hand that was firm, solid. The comforting and warm body that resembled nothing like the old Steve that he used to know. It was so different back then, it was Steve who used to lie on his body, making him feel protective of the younger man. But he's the smaller one now, he's gotta accept the new fact. He laid his head on Steve's polished chest, a bit of his dried of cum sticking to his face and his hair. Steve's body was as smooth as it was back then, nothing like his own one that was usually covered in strands of dark brown hair. Steve’s large fingers played with the brunette’s hair as he stared into the sky. His hand slowly tilting Bucky's chin so that they can gaze on the same stars that they used to when they were lonely. “The stars look beautiful don’t they?” Bucky said as his fingers curled up onto the hand that was under his chin. “Yes, Buck. Yes they do.” ~ Neither of them slept much that night. It was too cold. The wind was bruising their skin as much as the ground did. They watched the sunrise overlooking the stream together, naked in each other’s presence. It felt amazing. Steve glanced to look at Bucky only to realise the worried expression on his face. “What’s wrong Buck?” “It’s nothing actually.” “You do know that I can see right through you whenever you lie, right?” “No, I was just thinking.” “About what?” “You remember that time you asked me to date other girls?” Steve frowned upon hearing that. He remembers it alright. “Yes. Why?” “I understand now. I understand why you asked me to do so.” Steve didn’t answer. “And, can you promise me something?” Steve’s stomach twisted. He knew that Bucky was going to ask him to do something stupid. Something that they both would end up feeling hurt. Maybe because he remembers doing this, back when he was the weaker one, the liability that Bucky was trying to bear. Bucky’s tone was a dead giveaway to the fact that that the next few words from the older man wasn't going to be peachy. Nevertheless, he answered. “Promise me, that when the war is over, you’ll forget about us. Forget that we did all of this. Get married to Carter and live in one of those white picket fenced houses.” “I can’t promise that Buck. I can never forget you. You know that too.” “Neither can I, Steve. But at least just pretend like nothing ever happened between us." Bucky paused a while only to look in Steve's wet eyes. "Being Captain America’s number two is good enough for me." Bucky rose up, not looking back, because he knows that if he sees Steve, he’ll start tearing up. And he can’t do that. Once was already enough. He’s a man and wasn’t gonna cry anymore. He put on his pants, carried the torn shirt with him and started walking to the base. The other soldiers would start searching for them and he wouldn’t want to give them a chance in knowing what happened last night. Chapter End Notes The idea for this song comes from the part where Steve and Bucky lay together by the stream for the whole night. Because they lay down together and forget all about the world that is against them. ;) If any you have any song suggestions, do inform me using my tumblr which is at, stuckyisbae.tumblr.com, or you can even drop a comment below to send in your suggestion. You can also send in song suggestions if you want. Thanks for the kudos in advance! :D ***** Chapter 17 ***** Chapter Summary Bucky tried scanning his memory, seeing if anything useful showed up. But there was this huge black void that he couldn’t move. He tried hard, but it was just blank, like some sort of black hole. “I can’t…I can’t remember. I don’t remember a fucking thing. What happened to me, Steve? What the hell did I do?” “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” “You’re lying. Fuck, Steve. I know you’re lying. I can see right through you. What are you hiding from me?” Chapter Notes The song for this chapter is Say something by A great big World and Christina Aguilera. x See the end of the chapter for more notes Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one, if you want me to. Anywhere, I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you. Asgard Present day. “So this is Valhala?” Bruce asked “Indeed. Glorious isn’t it?” “I so understand why your evil-douche-bag-of-a-brother is head over heels with the throne." “Aye, that is probably one of the reasons, Tony.” Thor gave out a hearty laugh. His cheeks turned rosy when he laughed. “How long have we been out, Thor?” “It was day when we left, almost evening now. I would say nearly six Midgardian hours. Why do you ask?”’ “No, I was just thinking about Steve.” “It’s alright Bruce. Steve will be fine. Bucky will remain under our care until he is cured and I assume Steve would want to be with him. And as the rest of you, you are welcomed to stay here as long as you want. I don’t think anyone would question you. Visitors are often treated with the same respect as gods.” “Thank you.” “It’s my pleasure. And shall I show you your rooms?” First, he showed the way to Banner, second to Strange and finally to Stark. Each room was lit up in gold. Pillars and walls of that same color. It seemed very elegant. If you walked out a little, passing by the bedroom door, you would reach an open space, where you could see the vast land in front of you. The darkening sky was purplish pink in color, you could feel the fresh air brushing against your face as you watch the trees sway left and right, following the lead of the wind. The howling whistle of the wind accompanied the warm feeling that kept the place very much alive. Once on his bed, Bruce was already in a deep slumber. He was tired. The trip was something new to him and his body was already aching, as a side effect of travelling to a different world, he assumed. And the sweet smell of lavender that surrounded the room was already enhancing his sleeping experience, as it gave out some sort of calming aura. Strange continued his meditation, as he always did. He wasn’t the one to sleep like a log, resting as if he were a mere, regular human being. Before leaving, Tony requested Thor to bring him back to Steve. He wasn’t the sentimental type, but he knows that it’ll be better if someone kept the blonde company. Besides, his insomnia was already kicking in and lying down on a strange bed without the comfort of Pepper wasn’t going to help him sleep anyway. And when they reached there, they saw Steve holding the pale flesh arm that belonged to the Winter Soldier. His thumb was rubbing against the lithe, lifeless skin. Steve’s head was held very low, as if he were sleeping. But when Tony walked closer, he saw that the captain was very much awake. “Still nothing?” Steve shook his head subtly. Thor and Tony sat nearby, waited for an hour or so, but nothing happened. “Steven, I think, you should get some rest. I can place a guard to watch over your friend.” “No, Thor. I want to be here when he wakes up. We don’t know how he’ll react and I’m the only one who knows him well enough.” "I agree with Mr. America. I’ve seen what he’s capable of. You don’t want to leave him alone without supervision. He almost killed Steve.” “Almost?” “He kinda remembers Cap, or something along the line.” “I see. Would you prefer to be placed in the same room with him then, Steven?” “Yes, please.” “How?” Tony asked. “I’ll carry him. It’s okay, I don’t think he’s too heavy for me.” Steve placed one arm under Bucky’s frozen body, and then the followed by the other which went under his neck. At first, the cold body startled a little and Steve thought Bucky was waking up. He waited a bit, but there was no further movement. It was just a reflex action, Steve thought to himself. Steve realised that he had to put his hand under Bucky’s knee to support his whole weight. Slowly, he lifted the brunette. Steve carried Bucky, like he was some damsel in distress, head hanging on one side and legs on the other. Bucky wasn’t exactly heavy. The only thing that made the weight unbearable was his metal arm. That explained to Steve why Bucky was always swaying towards to left and hunching forward when he was walking. He has never carried Bucky before, but he remembers Bucky carrying him whenever he got hurt too bad in a fight or whenever he was too sick to walk. He remembers loving Bucky’s caring gesture even as they were kids. And for the first time, he feels strong, for being able to help the person he loves. Steve walked through halls in Asgard, carrying Bucky. Once he reached the room, he laid Bucky on the bed carefully. “Can I get you something to eat, Steven?” “No, it’s alright, Thor. I’m good.” “Well, if Steve doesn’t want anything, I’ll take up on the offer. What do you have, Thor?” “Why, we have everything from the freshest grapes to the oldest of wines.” “Bring me your best. And oh, I’ll be here with Steve.” “No worries, Anthony. I’ll bring your food here.” ~ “God, Stev'. You shou'd re'lly try out thes' fo'd, They tast' so go'd.” Tony’s mouth was full and yet he still insisted on talking. He was complimenting the Asgardian delicacies and their chefs. He even wondered if he could bring one of them back to Earth. He’d be willing to pay a lot of money to have one servicing him with good food every now and then. Steve could understand what Tony was saying. Bucky used to do the same and Steve’s learnt how to guess the meaning of weirdly pronounced words. "It’s okay, Stark. You enjoy.” “Hey, I thought you had a very high metabolism?” Tony’s words were clearer once he swallowed down the bolus of food. Steve didn’t answer. Tony was right. He was pretty sure that Tony could hear his tummy rumbling because he hasn’t eaten from morning. But hunger has never bothered Steve before. There were so many times in their childhood that Steve and Bucky have both starved, before eventually sharing anything that they came across. And it wasn’t any different now. There was a long silence after that. Tony didn’t ask anything. He just watched Steve. He observed every single thing that Steve did. He noticed how Steve would occasionally cover his face after staring at Bucky for a long time. He also noticed that Steve would slowly, in an extremely low tone, call out Bucky’s name. It looked as if he was trying to wake the asset up, but at the same time refrained himself from doing so to avoid compromising the healing process. Whenever Tony looks at Steve, he feels that he is not looking at a man who lost his best friend, but at a man who had lost the love of his life. Because Tony knew what it was like to lose Pepper and it was way different than the thought of losing Rhodey. “Hey, Steve. Can I ask you something?” “Sure.” “A-are you in love with him?” Tony wasn’t one who came with a filter. He always spoke his mind out, more often than not, regretting all the times where he should have given his thoughts a quick scan through the ‘is-it-socially- acceptable’ meter before blasting them out like a laser. “What? No. I’m not. It’s just…” “You know, Steve, gay marriages are allowed now. It’s okay to have feelings for another man. Well, personally, I don’t care who you fuck anyway.” “Then why the question?” “It just popped into my mind. Never mind just forget about it.” Steve averted his look from the younger Stark. He placed his gaze back onto Bucky’s body that was on the soft and silky bed. “It was different back then, Tony.” Tony didn’t expect the sudden answer from Steve. “Look, Steve. I didn’t mean to..” Steve cut Tony’s words. “4th of July". "What?" "It all started on 4th of July 1935.” Once Steve started talking, Tony kept quiet. Normally, he doesn’t listen, he wouldn’t even bother to listen. He prefers to do the talking, but this one time would be an exception. Because there was a sound of neediness in Steve’s voice. Like he has waited so long to tell someone about this. “I kissed him in the woods.” “Your birthday’s on Fourth of July, right?” “Yeah. That time, we were both young. And stupid. I ran away after the kiss. I liked it, but I felt that it was wrong, so wrong. You hear everyone talkin', sayin' that fairies go to hell, and I just didn’t want to drag him with me, you know.” Steve’s eyes remained positioned at the unconscious body that lay before him. Steve placed one of his hands on Bucky’s hair, ruffled it a bit, ran his long fingers through the soft strands. “He took good care of me. Like a brother. Sometimes, even more. And then things changed. People began talking. We were looked upon like some kind of abomination. I asked him to date girls so that people wouldn’t notice much.” Tony kept quiet. He listened to every word that Steve had to offer. Tony felt that this was probably the first time Steve has ever spoken about his love life. “Hell, he was good at pretending, you know. Any girl could fall for him. Those grey eyes would just swipe ‘em dames off their feet. But I could tell that he was hurt. He only did it for me. Because I asked him to.” Steve paused a while. He looked at the brunette who was lying down quietly. If only you’d wake up. Bucky... Hey, come on, pal. Say something. Anything. And Steve hated the fact that Bucky wasn’t answering. He felt alone. All alone in a huge palace, and not knowing a single thing to do, the same feeling of helplessness that he used to feel when he was just the kid from Brooklyn. But it was much worse now. He had gotten what he had wished for, but now, he can’t even use it, can’t even use that mighty strength and strong body to help the one person he truly loves. “And what happened after that?” “We, um... He went to war. It was tough. He was in the army and I don’t think it’s any good bein’ queer there. We couldn’t talk so we wrote letters. And I never wrote my name, nor did he. It was all a hush hush thing. For all they knew, their sarge was in love with a blonde chick.” “But you served with him after that, right?” “Yeah. That. Fooled around quite a bit. Until the others found out. After that, it just went downhill." Steve’s voice changed. It was as if he remembers all the things that happened the last few days before Bucky fell, vividly, yet somehow, those memories didn’t seem to consist of happy ones. “Downhill, like he fell down a hill from the train?” Tony gave a small laugh. He only stopped laughing when he noticed that the blonde didn’t laugh in the first place. Okay, this time, he really should have thought about his words before turning them into jokes that only Tony himself would find funny. “We fought that night, before he fell.” Stark noticed a certain bitterness in Steve’s voice. He saw how Steve’s eyebrows furrowed, eyes rapidly scanning the room, looking for something that wasn’t there. He saw Steve taking his hand away from Bucky’s hair and clasping his own two ones together. He could see Steve getting tensed up and that didn’t seem like a good thing. Tony could ask Steve about it, but he wasn’t going to. And by the looks of it, Steve wasn’t gonna dwell on it much either. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be. You wouldn’t know what’s it like to hear the words I hate you being the last real words you hear from the person you care most. And you what hurts even more? The way they pretend on the next day, as if nothing had happened, so that the others wouldn’t know that you fought." Tony looked at Steve with sympathy. He saw the blonde being hurt, but it didn’t seem like he was angry with Bucky. “And you don’t know what it is like living with the guilt of failing someone you love.” That was it. That was the exact moment that Tony understood that Steve has been carrying everything from his past with him. Carrying the guilt of letting down the only family he had. Beating himself up for the mistakes of others, mistakes of Hydra on Bucky. But that wasn’t the thing that gave Tony the goosebumps. It was the intense look in Steve’s eyes. It didn’t have tears nor did it hide of anything that looked soft. They were full of something else. Something hard and strong. Steady like a fast paced bullet. Guilt? No. No, his eyes didn’t seem that way. Rage? No, that didn’t seem right either. Could it have been hope? But hopes were long gone. And Tony couldn’t have it figured out. He just didn’t understand what that look had meant. Tony’s thoughts were disturbed when he hears a subtle voice calling out Steve’s name. “Steve? Steve. Where’s Steve? Is he alright?” “Hey, hey.... Buck. I’m here.... I’m here.” “Steve?” Bucky placed his right hand against Steve’s cheeks, touching them gently. His body was still flat on the bed and Steve’s body was just hovering over him. “Is it really you?” “Of course it’s me. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” “I…I… They showed me the newspaper. Said you were dead. And they told me I fell. Fuck.It’s all just a dream.” “What dream?” Bucky tried to sit up. Positioning himself upright, using his hands to stabilise himself on the soft bed. “It was on a train. You and me. And then I remember falling. Waking up.” Barnes pause a while as if he remembered something painful. “And then I got into some stuff. And then the paper. And then I woke up.” “It’s okay. You’re here now. You’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you.” “How did you kn-know I dreamed that th-they hurt me?” Bucky looked right into Steve’s eyes. He lifted his left hand to scratch his forehead, only to notice it wasn’t fleshy anymore. And then he lifted both his hands up, examined them thoroughly with fear, only to give the same look back onto Steve. “It was real wasn’t it?” Bucky was shaking, lips trembling. “Am I dead? Is this hell? But... But certainly hell can’t be this good. I don’t deserve this.” He wasn’t referring to the soft bed and the beautiful golden walls. He was referring to the part where it almost felt as good as heaven, being able to see Steve again after what seemed like a terrible dream. “Bucky.” Steve’s voiced echoed and slowly dispersed through the room. “ No, you’re alive. We’re both alive.” “Then how did this..?” “You don’t remember?” “Remember what?” There was panic in the brunette’s voice. “You told me about you falling and you seeing a newspaper. What happened after that, Buck?” Bucky tried scanning his memory, seeing if anything useful showed up. But there was this huge black void that he couldn’t move. He tried hard, but it was just blank, like some sort of black hole. “I can’t…I can’t remember. I don’t remember a fucking thing. What happened to me, Steve? What the hell did I do?” It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” “You’re lying. Fuck, Steve. I know you’re lying. I can see right through you. What are you hiding from me?” “Hey, calm down. Calm down, Buck.” The second sentence sounded harsher than the first one. Bucky kept quiet. It wasn’t in his nature to do so, but for some reason that he couldn’t understand, his body and mind just reacted that way. Being submisive as if it was his true attribute. “Wait here.” Bucky did as he was told. He wanted to protest, but his mind was trying to figure out the missing pieces of puzzles. Steve stood up from the chair, left to find Thor. “You look upset, Steven? Is Bucky alright?” “I need to see Loki.” Thor brought him to the place where all the prisoners were kept. Steve could have gotten there on his own, but it wouldn’t seem right. This was Thor’s home and giving Loki a midnight visit all alone wouldn’t be right. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM, YOU SICK BASTARD?” “I cured him. Like you asked me to do.” “Then why isn’t he fully cured?" "I told you, I don’t know what will truly happen to him. He was damaged beyond repair and you knew that fact too, you mortal human.” “He remembers some of the beginning.” Loki kept quiet for a while, as if he was thinking. “Then, I have to assume the other memories will come slowly to him. It will take some time to remember everything.” “He is not supposed to remember anything.” “Sooner or later, he will start to remember. Even if I wiped his memory, it will all return to him. Whether you like it or not, you don’t have a choice.” “The truth will kill him. Can’t you do something?” “WHY ARE YOU HUMANS SO STUPID? I JUST TOLD THAT YOU CANNOT FIGHT THE COURSE OF DESTINY. HE IS GONE. HE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON AND YOU KNOW THAT TOO, YOU MORON!” “MIND YOUR WORDS, BROTHER!” Loki gave a brooding look towards Thor only to look at Steve like that after. “Don’t you feel it’s cruel, you try to save him, only to watch him destroy himself all again? You petty humans never think before you make a decision, do you?” At that moment, Steve was at a loss for words. Loki was right. What have I done? What have I done to him? What am I even thinking to do now? I’m trying to wipe him down. I’m trying to keep him under a leash. That’s makes me no better than Hydra. “Brother, you have surpassed your limits.” “No, Thor. He is right. You both have already done so much for me. For that, I am grateful to you. Excuse me, I need to see if Bucky’s alright.” With that, Steve walked away, back to the place where he was before. He noticed how Bucky was looking at his metal arm, trying to get accustomed to it, feeling every single inch of the smooth, shiny surface, bending his fingers forward and then releasing them, like a robot testing out it’s mechanical arm, turning his whole arm around, until the bright light from a glowing lamp in the room was reflected and was now visible against the ceiling. Tony was still there, looking at him, watching his every move. Keeping an eye on him. Trying to talk to Bucky, trying to keep him calm. “What happened to me, Howard? Why isn’t Steve telling me anything?” “He’s just a bit tired, you know. He’ll be back soon. Give him some time.” Barnes kept quiet, as if he was trying to understand what the older brunette had just said. “Talking about tired, you look like you could have some sleep yourself. And you're very different now. You put makeup on, Howard?” “What? No!” Both men were laughing. Bucky had no clue of what happened. He was in this bubble of the past, much like Steve was, when he first woke up. And Tony was just trying to help. Because, if he corrected Bucky, that he wasn’t Howard, Bucky would have been in a state of denial. And Steve could already see it from afar. Chapter End Notes I have to admit something, I was actually having a hard time finding the right song for this chapter. XD I chose this song, because Steve is in this point where he is beginning to give up. He needs Bucky to at least say something, to let him know that this relationship is still worth fighting for. But When Bucky actually says something, it wasn't exactly the thing he needed to hear, In fact it was the total opposite. He's waited so long, given so much. He thought he could cure Bucky, but now, he has finally realised, that he could never undo the harm that was done. Steve swallows that gut feeling that he's doing something wrong and should turn back, but he still wants to stay and help because he has gone this far and the thought of giving up would seem like a waste. ***** Chapter 18 ***** Chapter Summary [Dugan] “But, what we really want to know about Sarge, is about his girl.” [Rogers] “His girl?” [Morita] “Yeah, the blonde who keeps sending him letters. Those goddamn romantic letters. God, you should have seen the look on his face when he got her letters. His face would beam up like a kid on Christmas morning.” Chapter Notes Hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I love the idea of Steve joking around with the Howling Commandos cause they're all grown men and Steve is an innocent little puppy. And this will only lead to all kinds of shenanigans.*winks* And by the way, the song for this chapter will feature The Fray - Never Say Never.   x See the end of the chapter for more notes Some things we don't talk about, Rather do without. And just hold the smile, Falling in and out of love. Ashamed and proud of, Together all the while. April 22nd, 1942 The base camp. It was almost eight when Steve walks back to the base. He saw soldiers warming up, some were running and some were just chatting. He tried scanning around for Bucky but he was nowhere to be found. Steve saw prying eyes all over him. He looked down at himself and noticed that his uniform was covered in dirt, and it was pretty obvious. “Where have you been, cap? Didn’t see you checkin’ in last night.” The man was wearing a some sort of green helmet and he had a huge moustache. Steve remembers the guy. He remembers saving him from Schmidt. “I was here last night. I just came back real late.” “Oh.” The man gave it a thought for a while. “And you were coming from?” “The woods. Took a hike. Could use some fresh air. You should give it a try though. Really helps to relax your mind. ” The man gave it a thought. He felt that there was something so suspicious about the captain’s tone. But he shrugged it off. He knows and remembers that this is war. The "don’t ask, don’t tell" concept was very strong among the other soldiers. Besides, no one wants to mess around with Captain America. “You’re Dugan, right?” “Yeap, Timothy Dugan. But most of them just call me Dum Dum.” The man answered with a hearty laugh. “Well, it’s nice to meet you, again.” Steve followed up. “You too, Cap.” Both men walked in different directions. The captain was on his way to meet the Colonel, while the other was going to meet his brothers in arms. Dugan admired the captain. Not only he had saved the whole 107th battalion all alone, but he was also honest in his quest for freedom. And Dugan, someone who could read through most characters, knew that this man that he had just conversed with, a while ago, had a heart of gold. Dum Dum didn’t need no prove or anything, he could just see it. Just like how he could see that the glorious captain was hiding a secret. Only that he didn’t know what his secret was all about. [Falsworth] “Ah, saw you were having a nice conversation with the captain.” [Dugan] “Yeah.” [Morita] “What did he say?” [Dugan] “Nothin’ much. I just asked where he was comin’ from. Told me some bullshit about gettin’ fresh air from the woods.” [Morita] “He doesn’t look like the lyin’ type.” [Dugan] “I know, but I just knew it, man. It’s my gut that’s talking. You know..” Dugan and the rest were interrupted by the presence of their Sergeant, whose hair was wet and all spiked up after a bath. [Dugan] “Hey, Sarge. You were out late, last night, right?” There was hint of curiosity in his voice. [Barnes] “Yeah, why?” [Dugan] “You saw the Cap?” Barnes could answer yes, but that would be slightly incriminating. “No.” He answered while rubbing his nose against the rough material that was covering his shoulder. “Why?” [Dugan] “Huh. I dunno. He seems a bit suspicious to me. Wanderin’ off late night like that.” [Barnes] “He’s probably coolin’ some steam off. He’s a captain. He’s gonna have to relief all that anger somewhere.” [Dugan] “Yeah, I guess you’re right, Sarge.” [Barnes] “Like always, Dum Dum. I'm always right.” The rest of the men broke into a fit of laughter. Their Sarge always prided in his “I told you so” manner, because indeed he was always correct. And that didn't only include the battlefield planning. Then, it struck Jones. Captain America was from Brooklyn. Just like their Sarge. [Jones] “Hey, Sarge! You from Brooklyn, right?” [Barnes] “Yeah, born and bred. Why?” [Jones] “So tell me. You would have surely met him.” [Barnes] “We know each other. I guess you could say we were acquaintances.” [Falsworth] “And you never thought of telling us that? Jesus! Our Sarge was friends with Captain America.” [Barnes] “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. He is after all, a soldier just like us.” Bucky’s tone was a playful tone. He raised his eyebrows, making sure that they get that he was joking around. [Dugan] “Not a big deal? Not A BIG DEAL? IT’S A GODDAMN BIG DEAL!” [Barnes] “Look, I wasn’t gonna flash the fact that I knew the star spangled man to get what I wanted or to look cool in front of you lot.” [Morita] “Nah. We wouldn’t want anything from you, except maybe tell him that we would want an autograph on the war bonds and on his action figure that we can get in the markets after the war ends.” The rest of them tried to put on their best judgmental face and aimed it at their sergeant, only to laugh their lungs out after. ~ I'm not going to let him go While Bucky and his men were joking around, Steve got himself cleaned up before meeting Colonel Phillips. He wanted to ask him to change his mind about sending Bucky home. And when he did, the response he got from the colonel was lukewarm, lackadaisical. Insouciant. “No, I cannot allow him to serve with the rest of them anymore. He is now a liability." The colonel wasn’t even looking at Steve when he answered. He was ‘busy’ looking through the paper work. “I beg to differ, sir. I know Barnes. He’s strong. He ..” “Save it Rogers. I don’t need no convincing. I made a decision, and that’s final.” Steve was disappointed. He thought he could make a difference. He thought that his opinion would have mattered. He walked a bit, sat down in one of the recovery camps. “What’s wrong, Cap?” Rogers was approached by a brunette, whose hands were on her hips. “Oh, hi, Peggy. I didn’t see you.” “Well, I noticed you. And I can see that something is bothering you.” “No, it’s okay. I can deal with it.” “If you think that you’re not going to tell me just because I’m a woman, you better rethink your life choices. I’ll beat the crap out of you to get an answer.” Steve knew that Peggy wasn’t playing the fool and he wasn’t going to test the reliability of her words. Getting shot at once was a good reminder of to not go around messing with her. “He’s gonna get discharged. And he doesn’t want to go home. Says he’s got nothing else back there. I want to help him. He’s helped me so many times now.” “It’s Barnes isn’t it?” Steve nodded. “Look Steve, there’s nothing you can do about it.” “But I feel like I’m letting him down. And I hate that feeling. I just need to … at least give him a chance to proof himself, like how he’s done for me.” Peggy looked at Steve. She could see that Steve was feeling miserable. Feeling guilty. “Why don’t you start your own special ops team?” “What do you mean?” “You know, like a team, where you lead a group of men on missions. You can get Barnes and a few others on your side. That way, you get to help him and at the same time, you don’t need to kiss the Colonel’s ass.” Steve gave it a thought. He was silent. “Howling Commandos.” Steve gave out a small noise. “What?” “The Howling Commandos. The name for our team.” Peggy smiled and it made her jaw line and cheekbones look more prominent. Her ruby red lips highlighted the colour of her eyes and her hair. “Thank you Peggy, you’re the best!” Steve’s words were accompanied by a brightened look on his face. “You’re welcome.” ~ [Rogers] “Sure.” Steve pulled out a chair, and sat down. He signaled to the waiter to get him a glass of beer. Despite being one who wasn’t very attached to alcoholic beverages, Steve did drink. A little by little that is. He wasn’t one to go down chugging a whole glass.He’ll save that action for a time where he really needs the beer. [Jones] “Alright, Cap. Who exactly are you?” [Rogers] “Well, Steven Grant Rogers by birth. You can call me Steve if you really want to.” [Jones] “Not like that. I mean, how did you become Captain America and all?” [Rogers] “I call that classified info.” Steve smirked. [Falsworth] “Oh, come on cap. Share with us. We wanna know what makes Steve Rogers invincible.” [Rogers] “It’s nothing actually. I was just a scrawny kid from Brooklyn. Then I got into Project Rebirth, where I was given this serum and got bombarded by some kind of ray, Vita rays. And after that I was what you would call a dancin’ monkey, punchin’ out fake Hitler and sellin’ war bonds. In tights.” [Morita] “Why, you make it sound as if it’s a bad thing.” Morita made his sentence sound so sarcastic that it made the five men to laugh at Rogers. [Rogers] “That’s the truth. Honest to God.” The men kept quiet. [Dugan] “Well, at least you look good in tights. This time the men laughed even louder. The bar was filled with the sound of their laughter. And Steve laughed along. He was beginning to like the men. [Morita] “Cap. I’ve got a question for you.” [Rogers] “Alright, spill it out.” [Morita] “Do you know our Sarge?” [Rogers] “Your Sarge?” [Jones] “Barnes. James Barnes.” Steve eyes glistened. He licked his lips subtly. “Bucky was my best friend. Still is.” It started making sense now, how Steve Rogers seemed to be attached to their Sarge. How Captain America went to visit him when he was still in recovery. They were always sitting around together, just the both of them after Rogers saved him from the test lab. Talking as if they’ve known each other for a very long time. It all made sense now. [Dugan] “That son of a bitch. He told us that you two were just acquaintances. That you know each other.” Steve was a little upset. He never thought that Bucky would hide their friendship. Was Bucky embarrassed of me? [Falsworth] “But you know, we could tell that he admired you. Talked greatly about you since you saved us that day.” Steve plastered a smile across his face. [Dugan] “But, what we really want to know about Sarge, is about his girl.” [Rogers] “His girl?” [Morita] “Yeah, the blonde who keeps sending him letters, you know, those goddamn romantic letters. God, you should have seen the look on his face when he got her letters. His face would beam up like a kid on Christmas morning.” Steve’s face turned red. He took a sip from the glass in front of him. “I know not a single thing.” [Jones] “I dunno why he’s so secretive about his bird. I’ve never seen a picture or anything. Never even hear him calling her name or anything. It’s a wonder that he’s even got one.” [Dugan] “Bullshit. Didn’t you see how all the girls in the brothel were all over him?” [Rogers] “Brothel?” [Falsworth] “It wasn’t exactly a brothel. It was a pub. Where a lot of call girls were working their asses off to get some tips." [Morita] “Damn, they were pretty. And there was this one who got her hook on Sarge. She kept on talking to him. And we all had placed a bet that he was gonna fuck her real good. She was already pulling his hand and was fumbling with his shirt.” [Dugan] “But that bastard was unbelievable. He said he couldn’t do this and that he had someone waiting for him at home.” Dernier mumbled something in French and Jones translated it. “He says that the hooker was impressed and that she said that his girl was a lucky bitch.” [Dugan] “Damn right she’s a lucky bitch, alright. I’ve never seen a soldier so loyal. I mean, well, we are all guys and we all have our urges. A guy can only hold it for so long. I can assure you that I speak here for all of us.” The five men nodded, looking at Steve, not knowing the real nature of Barnes's romantic and sexual relationship. The fact that Steve was the person that Bucky was in love with. That Steve was the person that lucky bitch that the call girl referred to. [Dugan] “But our Sarge, he’s a fool. He thinks he can go back and act like nothing happened. But no, them dames will know when something’s wrong with ya. A man will change after the war. He ain’t going to be soft like he used to. He’s seen things, done things and then, eventually, he lives with the guilt.” The men were all silent. Dugan was right. That was the ugly truth, the unchangeable fact. They drank whatever was left in their glasses, and got themselves a refill. These men seemed friendly and they were straight forward. And they seemed to be of ones that you could trust. These were type of men that Steve could rely on to watch his back, the right type of men to join him. [Rogers] “You all have got someone back home?” [Jones] “Dum Dum, Morita and Dernier do. Falsworth and I don’t.” [Rogers] “So what are you lot planning to do after this?” [Dugan] “Personally, I don’t know anymore.” [Rogers] “So, would you guys like to join me? Become a part of the Howling Commandos?” [Falsworth] “What’s a Howling Commando?” [Rogers] “I was planning on setting up my own team of warriors, heroes who go to war and fight the good fight. Not those who just follow orders, but those who make sure to hit and crit at the right time, right place, right person.” [Dugan] “So, let’s get this straight-” [Jones] “We barely got out of there alive, and you want us to go back?” [Rogers] “Pretty much.” [Falsworth] “Sounds rather fun.” Morita gives out a loud burp, only to follow up with a enthusiastic “I’m in”. Jones and Dernier were conversing in French. And once they were done, they looked at Steve. “We’re in.” Jones says, as he points to himself and to Dernier. [Dugan] “Hell, I’ll always fight. But you gotta do one thing for me.” Steve looks up with his eyebrows raised. “What’s that?” Dum Dum finishes the rest of his beer in one go and slams the glass on the table. He then flashes a cheeky smile. “Open a tab.” Steve smiled and gets up to go to the bar. The rest of them laughed. [Dugan] “Well, that was easy.” Once Steve was done with them, he only needed to confront Bucky and tell him about his idea. When he reached there, he saw his best friend already drinking. His face all sweaty and tired, which was a huge contradiction to the way that Steve looked like now, Steve who was all shiny and dolled up. He sat down in front of Bucky, placing the best smile he could. “You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death? “Hell no. The little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight, I’m following him.” Bucky smiles. His hair in the front, that was kind of overgrown, flopped over his head. His eyes looking directly into Steve’s. “But you’re keeping the outfit, right?” “You know what? It’s kinda grown on me." Chapter End Notes We're falling apart and coming together again and again   We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again   There's a reason why Bucky never told anyone that he was friends with Steve. He's been to war and he's seen what happened to men who were queer. He couldn't risk talking about his lover and not look like a person who's in love. And that's not the only reason. Bucky knows that there isn't any future in love for two men. Steve doesn't understand it yet. He hasn't seen it. He's always leading the others, and therefore he isn't aware of what's really going on. So yes, you could say that Steve was hurt by the fact that Bucky hadn't told anyone about their friendship. He can feel Bucky distancing himself from Steve and perhaps by serving with him, Steve feels that he might be able to get back the old Bucky. This is Steve's way of pulling their relationship together again. ***** Chapter 19 ***** Chapter Summary If you looked closely, both were hot headed, loud mouthed brunettes. And with those two side by side, you could actually tell that Steve Rogers had a type. Or you could also say that Peggy was just someone who reminded him of Bucky. But either way Steve had to choose. Chapter Notes The song for this chapter would be You and Me by Lifehouse. Here's the link! x See the end of the chapter for more notes 'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose, And it's you and me and all of the people, And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you. April 23th, 1942 Howard Stark’s hangar. They took a flight the next day. All seven of them in a plane, or what remained of it. Courtesy of Howard Stark. “So you’re the Howard who flew Steve to get me?” “Yeap, the one and only.” Howard thought he was going to receive gratification, like he always did. He held his nose high and expected Bucky to thank him but instead, Bucky smiled and then unexpectedly punched Howard in the face. Steve pulled him back with all his might and then Bucky continued with the smug grin. “What the hell was that for?” Howard was in complete shock. “If a dumb guy asks for a favor to aid him on a suicidal mission, especially Mr. Perfect Ass over here, you say no. You don’t go around givin’ him a piggy back ride.” Howard checked his nose, pushed it slightly to the left and right. He could feel some wet and warm sensation from his nostrils. “You broke my nose as a sign of gratitude to me, for being a part of the reason of you being alive?” “Oh, that’s not the only thing that’s gonna get broken.” “Noted.” Howard’s answered as he blotched the blood. His face was that of a timid man now. “Bucky!” “What? I know it’s sweet and all that you’d risk your life for lil’ ol’ Bucky from Brooklyn Stevie, but I ain’t ready to see you try your luck with some reaper.” “Oh, for God’s sake! Try to appreciate the fact that I came looking for you!” “Not until you learn how to take of yourself, and by seeing how you keep lunging yourself at all these fights, you’re gonna need a babysitter.” “Oh my God! Please, just shut up, Buck.” ~ The journey was a long one and the soldiers were just making some dumb jokes. Jokes about dames, jokes about war, jokes about Hitler, and jokes about everything that they could think of. It was a great way to pass time. ~ And when they first reached the border of Austria and Germany, they already began planning. Everyone was given their specific fields and jobs, based on their forte and on their past experiences of being on the battle front. Falsworth was given the job of handling the weapons. Guns and explosives alike. He could make a bomb using scraps and he could even make your average pistol into an enhanced form of machinery that looked and functioned like it came from the future. There was no doubt about his skills. Morita was in charge of the communications. He knew morse code like the back of his hand. Back in the 107th regiment, he was the one who decrypted all the secret codes, gaining them access into one of Schmidt’s old lab, before it went south that is. And he was good in Navajo, the major language of the native Americans at that time. That was the only code that the Germans and the Japanese couldn’t put their finger to, because not only it was strongly different from those two languages, but it was also due to the reason that there were no known Navajo dictionaries that were published or existed at that time. The thing about this code was that certain words like wire were coded with the Navajo term, Beah-le-chee-ih, which meant Copper. Another good example would be the alphabet A, which would be represented by the Navajo term Wol-la- chee, which meant ant. Jones was good in languages. He could speak German. And he was good in French, which made him the only one who could translate what Dernier was mumbling about all the time. He knew a bit of Russian, those of simple and everyday terms, which surprisingly, was slightly better than his mastery of Spanish. And Jones was good with analyzing geographical areas. He was the one who would find a place for them to crash at night, making sure it was near a stream and far from the dangers of nature. Dum Dum had great strength and was always the first to enter and building. He was also the one who would barge in metal doors alongside Steve. He was their bruiser and scrapper, the muscle man who would get all the heavy jobs done. Whether it was getting firewood or getting buckets of water, he could lift a good amount of weight. Hell, he was the only one who could lift Steve or Bucky. Dernier was their infiltrator. He was a highly trained combatant, who was good in martial arts and all things stealthy. But he was a bit reckless for an infiltrator. He would forget where he kept his stuff and more often than not, Jones or Morita would be the one picking up after him with grunts and complains. He was good with knives and swords, just about anything that had a sharp end to it. He had what you’d call combat reflexes, which was not something that you would not want to mess around with. There was this one time where Dernier was sleeping and the guys were planning to prank him, but you could say it kinda backfired when Dernier’s half conscious self managed to kick Jones at his shin. And since that day, everyone knew that despite he was sleeping, he was like a tiger, always ready to pounce. Barnes was their sniper. He was the best. He could easily gun down five targets from a distance of 10 meters using an ordinary rifle. And you wouldn’t want to know what he could do with one of Falsworth’s enhanced machinery. He was always at a high up on a tree branch that could actually stand his weight or hid behind a rock so that he wasn’t easily found by other snipers. He'd be in foxholes and trenches sometimes, where he’d end up with his face all smudged, hair all ruffled and skin covered in sweat. Barnes was also Cap’s right hand man, and somehow, the only person who was sane enough to argue with Steve about how stupid his plans seemed to be. Rogers was the leader, the tactician who plans down every single thing that would happen, every attack, every defense, every single move that the Howling Commandos were about to make, as if it were some part from a game of chess. Even with Bucky yelling at him, he would still continue with his reckless ideas, because the rest of them would actually settle for it. He was the master of strategics because it was his unconventional plans that would actually get them through all those Hydra bases. And the seven of them were great as a team. ~ April 25th, 1942. Germany “How’s it lookin’ Dum Dum?” Dugan scanned around, eyes looking left and right, searching for possible dangers. “One up ahead, near the left. Another one behind the trees. The last one is in a foxhole.” “Good.” Steve then looked at Bucky who was already aiming for his targets from a hidden spot. He signaled his fingers and immediately three shots were fired. And then three cries echoed throughout the forest. “Good to go, Jones?” “Coast’s clear, Cap.” Steve and Dugan entered the jungles first. Followed by Jones, Falsworth and Morita. Bucky and Dernier were always the last. Their formation was based on tactics, where the first two would break through every obstacle to allow a much easier passage for the rest, while the last two would act as the defense system that would eye out for any form of unexpected dangers. The middle ones were the source of weaponry and attack. And after hurdling through the forest, the Howling Commandos reached a Hydra Base. “Ready?” “Yes, Cap.” All answered in unison. The seven men barged into the facility, taking out everything that was in their way. Bucky and the French fired their guns until their ammunition were depleted, and then they refilled their weapons, only to continue shooting again. The cycle continued. Dum Dum and Steve were punching and knocking over every Hydra personnel that attacked them. Monty was throwing his signature grenades. Jones and Morita were making their way through into the building. Once they were in the main lab, they aimed their attacks towards the scientists. After finishing their job there, the two took whatever that was left, and that included the fully stocked first aid kit and the newly designed Hydra weapons. They managed to kill most of the Hydra’s soldiers. And when the coast was finally clear, they searched for some sort of fuel. They found a few barrels of petrol and they emptied them by spilling everything all over the facility. “Alright, boys. It’s Sarge’s turn to give it the finale that it deserves.” “Well, I’m honored, Cap.” Bucky smiled and then aimed his weapon. Bucky fired a few shots and then, slowly, they could see the fire spreading its wings. At first, the bright flame was small. But it gained its power steadily. Its magnificence increased every minute until the whole area was lit up by the fiery, red orange flame. The fire danced through the night sky, burning whatever that was left, taking down whatever that was around it, like a hungry and greedy monster. ~ Ironically, fire was still beautiful. Small and harmless when it was used as a bonfire to keep the Howling Commandos warm. All the seven of them sat in a circle, hands over the fire, occasionally rubbing both of them together and then hovering them back over the fire. Dugan had placed three wooden stands, shaped as some sort of cone, tied up with a rope. The sticks were used as a base to lift up a brass cauldron. Steve tried to make some soup, with whatever rations they had left. Steve and Dugan were the one who were in charge of food, because they were the only ones who were decent enough to cook something that was edible. They talked about tactics, about their plan for tomorrow while waiting for their dinner. They were all in on the idea of Morita trying to crack Hydra’s code and then using it as a decoy to get them all wrapped up. Except for Bucky of course. He said that seven Howling Commandos members weren’t enough to take down a whole military base. Usually they just attacked science labs and it was going to take a lot more than seven idiots to actually sweep a fully armed military base. But at the end of the day, the sound of danger and excitement won over the hearts of the remaining members of the Howling Commandos. [Rogers] “Soup’s ready.” The men filled their broken wooden bowls with the soup, using the half burnt ladle. The soup tasted bland, just like every other meal that they had. Steve didn’t have any sort of seasoning like salt or pepper to actually put some taste to it. All he had was water and part of their old canned military rations. Yet you could say that they enjoyed the meal, because something, was always better than nothing. Jones, Barnes, Morita and Rogers all consumed two bowls each Falsworth, Dernier and Dugan had three bowls each. [Jones] “Thanks, Cap.” The man had said once he was done with his meal. The rest patted him on his back, except Bucky. After they got their bowls cleaned in the river, they sat around the fire once again. But now, it was time for some relaxation. Relaxation, or if that was what you’d call booze and a few puffs of cigar. Everyone drank a little, only a sip each from a small bottle of good old scotch. Something to keep them warm throughout the night when the fire was already put off. Steve was the only one who didn’t smoke. Everyone was sharing one, the same cigar, grabbing a few puffs and then passing it on to the one beside them. And when it finally reached Bucky, Steve made sure to grab it from his fingers. “Give it back to me, you bastard.” Bucky yelped. “I’m sorry. It’s really not healthy.” Steve winked as he tried smoking it. But he realized that it was a bad idea once he started coughing non-stop. “You know you can’t handle it, Cap. Might as well give it to someone who can.” Bucky tried taking the small stump of cigar from Steve, thinking that he could get at least one puff. But Steve foiled his dreams by throwing the cigar down and stomping it with the boot on his right leg. [Barnes] “Dammit, Steve!” [Dugan] “Hey, Sarge, give up on that cigar. Somethings are just never meant to be.” Dugan made sure he put on his best bitch face. [Barnes] “Oh, you wait. You just wait, Rogers. Wait til’ I get my hands on you.” [Rogers] “Oooo, I’m so scared.” [Falsworth] “Alright, alright, cut it out kids.” The commandos laughed at their Sarge and Cap. For the past few days, they could see that these two men were actually quite close. And after that, they usually sang songs, sometimes, somewhere along the lines of something famous. Sometimes, something that was created on the spot, spontaneous. It had already passed midnight before, one by one, the Howling Commandos' members decided to catch some sleep. It was Steve’s turn to guard the place. Bucky went into the tent at first, but he then came out with a bottle of whiskey. “I thought you were going to sleep.” “No. And I’m not here to keep you company either, if that’s what you’re hoping for, punk.” Bucky opened the cap and took a sip from the bottle. “Where’d ya get that from?” “Been having it for some time now.” Bucky handed the bottle to Steve. “Tis’ okay. I’m good.” “Why? You wouldn’t want to end up being a drunken bastard, like me?” The last two words sounded a bit harsh. “No, that’s not what I mean, Sarge. I-I....” “Chill up, punk. I’m just messing with ya.” Steve could see that Bucky was just trying to cover up what he felt with words. “How's your leg?” Bucky asked. “How did ya know about my leg?” Earlier during the attack today, one of the Hydra’s men had given a good stab to Steve’s leg. He didn’t feel much pain back then, thanks to the adrenalin rush, but when the glory of adrenalin started to fade off, the wound’s sting was a constant reminder to Steve of his earlier injury. “You really thought wouldn’t notice, Steve? I’ve patched ya up more times than ya probably cried as a baby. So yeah, I’d know when something is hurting ya.” “It’s okay.” “Show it to me.” “No really, I’m fine.” “You expect me to believe in that bullshit?” Steve had a look of guilt on his face. “Give me the goddamn leg, Rogers.” Steve rolled up his trousers up to his knees. There was a huge part of open flesh on his left leg. Bucky gave a good stare at Steve after eyeing the wound. “Wait here.” Bucky walked into a tent and brought out one of those first aid kits that they got from the bust earlier today. And then he took his dinner bowl to get some water from the river. He asked Steve to bent his leg. He poured the crystal clear water over the open wound. “Ssssrrrrllhhh.” It burned. Steve eyes fluttered and his upper torso twisted to the right side. Usually, it wouldn’t have hurt this bad. “Don’t worry, the next step is only going to hurt, a lot more.” Bucky chuckled as Steve gave him the meanest look that he could muster. Bucky then poured some whiskey out of the bottle that he was drinking just a while back. “Aargh!” And this time, Steve’s cries were a little louder. Falsworth woke up. He knew that Steve was on guard duty, and the fact that the cries he heard sounded like Steve, didn’t help either. He was armed with one of his guns only to notice that Bucky was treating Steve’s wound. “What’s wrong with him?” “He hurt his leg back in the base. No worries, I’ve got it covered.” “Alright, if you guys need anything, just wake me up?” “Sure will, Monty.” Bucky answered as Falsworth went back to continue his slumber. “Could you shout even louder next time and probably wake them all up?” “Are you done?” “With the insults or with the patching up?” “Both.” “Nope.” “Ugh.” Bucky waited for a while, letting the whiskey to slowly disinfect the wound. After that he took out a rolled up white mesh bandage. He tore the long cloth using his teeth, only to carefully wrap it around the open cut and fastening it with some sort of safety pin that was included in the first aid kit. “There you go.” Steve sat upright. He ran his fingers through the bandage. He remembers the familiarity of the feeling. Especially when he got into fights in all those back alleys. Bucky was always the one who was saving his sorry ass from those bullies and fixing him up, cleaning up his wounds. “Thanks.” “You’re welcome, punk.” Bucky stood up, collected the kit and was ready to put it where it belonged, only to be pulled down by Steve. Steve grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pressed their lips together in a rush. He hasn’t had the chance to kiss Bucky since that day by the stream. Bucky kissed him back, like it was some sort of reflex action. But then he pulled away and started to recollect the kit that he dropped when Steve had kissed him. Bucky avoided any eye contact. “What’s wrong?” Bucky didn’t answer. “Hey.” Steve made his way to gaze on the grey eyes. He could see fear in Bucky’s eyes. “We can’t do this, Steve.” “Is it because we’re surrounded by people?” For Steve, that seemed like the only reason that Bucky would refrain from actually kissing Steve. He thought that Bucky was scared that he would be caught kissing another man. Only a small “no.” came out from Bucky’s lips. But still, it was loud enough to be heard by Steve. “Then?” Bucky didn’t answer. “You can tell me.” “I told you before. I told you that we ain’t doin’ this no more.” “You asked me to forget you after the war. The war ain’t over yet, and I don’t even remember sayin’ that I’d even agree to do that.” Steve retaliated. “Dammit, Steve. I don’t want to be the reason that things between you and Peggy didn’t work.” Steve looked at the brunette in silence. He’d never thought about it, that he’d have to choose between Peggy and Bucky. Of course he had loved Bucky first, but with Peggy, he’d have the chance to truly love someone. To have a family and to have kids. To have the freedom to love unconditionally. If you looked closely, both were hot headed, loud mouthed brunettes. And with those two, actually standing side by side, you could actually tell that Steve Rogers had a type. Or you could also say that Peggy was just someone who reminded him of Bucky. But either way Steve had to choose. “How would things even work if every time I look at her, I only see your face? How would it work, when every time she touched me, I wished it was you? How would it work when I know that you’re feelin' miserable and I’m the reason behind all those pain?” “Steve, I-I..” “No, you listen. I love you, okay? And you know what, I don’t care if it’s wrong. I don’t care if people don’t understand. I just want you to know who I am. Steve stood up, took hold of Bucky’s left hand while Bucky’s right hand curled the first aid kit against his chest. He locked his eyes with Bucky’s, making sure he was staring right into the older man’s soul. "I told you that being your number two would be good enough for.." "What if it's not enough for me? What if I want you to be my favourite, give you my very best?" There was a small silence which was then disrupted by Bucky's words. “It hurts, Steve. It hurts that I can never give you what you deserve.” “You were always more than what I’ll ever deserve, Buck.” Chapter End Notes This song is about a guy who wants to express his love but he keeps delaying it. I chose this song because i kinda symbolise Steve as the guy. It's hard on Steve, because he loves Bucky but he never did say anything to him. Bucky can't see his own place in the future, but he picture a good and happy one for Steve if Steve chooses Peggy. But at the end of the day, it's all about Steve and Bucky, not about anyone else. Thanks for all the kudos! Do drop a comment too! :D ***** Chapter 20 ***** Chapter Summary “YOU’RE LYING. YOU’RE NOT REAL. ALL OF THIS IS MADE UP. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! FINE! YOU WANT ME TO PLAY ALONG? I’LL PLAY ALONG. IF YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM, RIGHT?” “Bucky.” “YOU’RE NOT HIM. YOU’RE NOT STEVE. YOU’RE JUST A VISION. NOTHING BUT AN IMAGE OF HIM!” Chapter Notes It's been a long time since I updated this fic, so thanks for the patience, guys. Song for the chapter is The Fray - How to Save A life. x See the end of the chapter for more notes Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night, Had I known how to save a life. Asgard Present Day When Steve entered the room, he saw Bucky notice him. Steve walked towards the table where all the previous food from Stark’s meal consisted. He took two golden goblets, which was probably about the size of an ordinary mug; minus the handle and added with the shiny jewels, and poured some Asgardian ale into it. He sat down beside the metal armed brunette and handed out one of the goblets to him. Bucky looked at him, scanned from head to toe before actually accepting it. He sniffed it, looked back at Steve and only then did he take a sip from the goblet. Steve took a sip too. He was fascinated by how fresh it tasted.“Good?” “Yeah.” There was not much conversation going on between the two men, or, rather truthfully, there weren’t any words exchanged at all. Bucky would just stare at his drink and then look back at Steve, only to look back at the golden goblet again. And Steve was just as terrible as Bucky was. “So how are ya feeling, Buck?” “I dunno. I just feel tired. A bit drowsy. Nothing else.” Bucky smiled at Steve. Bucky opened his mouth to say something but then he just pressed his lips together again. “What is it, Buck?” “Where are we?” “We’re in Asgard.” “Asgard? As in Asgard from the Norse mythology? Loki, Thor kinda Asgard? You playin’ some trick on me, Stevie?” Steve turned his head and looked at Tony. He then looked back at Bucky. “How did you know about Loki and Thor?” “I dunno, it’s just like it’s there. Think I’ve read about it before. In the library back in Brooklyn. You’re not serious are you?” “Look, Barnes,” Stark interrupted. “This is year 2015, and I should have said this before. I’m Tony, Tony Stark, son of Howard Stark. When we first found you, you had no memories of your own, and you were bat shit crazy, so fucked up. So bringing you to Asgard was the only way that you could be normal again.” “So you’re telling me that this is the future? And I’m actually not on Earth?” “Technically, yeah.” Stark continued. Bucky was silent for a while, but he had this look of distrust on his face, like he didn’t believe a word that Steve had said. Bucky gave a wry smile, as if he pieced all the facts together. Bucky then looked up, as if the words that will be coming out of his mouth would be meant for someone who actually had power over Bucky, someone who could actually be blamed for all these nonsense. “YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M SICK OF ALL YOUR GAMES, ZOLA. I’M TIRED OF YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. ARE YOU REALLY THAT OUT OF OPTIONS THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO GET INTO MY HEAD WITH FALSE MEMORIES?” “Zola’s dead for years now, Bucky.” Steve continued. His words were soft, unlike Bucky’s harsh and disappointed tone. “YOU’RE LYING. YOU’RE NOT REAL. ALL OF THIS IS MADE UP. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! FINE! YOU WANT ME TO PLAY ALONG? I’LL PLAY ALONG. IF YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM, RIGHT?” “Bucky.” “YOU’RE NOT HIM. YOU’RE NOT STEVE. YOU’RE JUST A VISION. NOTHING BUT AN IMAGE OF HIM.” “Would an image actually be able to hold your hand? Or would an image be able to tell you that when we were kids, we used to build fortresses and act like knights in shining armors? You always let me save you from the dragon. You'd pretend that you were always in distress because you didn’t want me to feel weak and all?” At this moment, Tony looked at Steve. He knew that no one knows these things except for Bucky and Steve. “Would an image know that the real reason that you stopped praying to God was because everyone said that a man cannot make love to another man like he would to a woman, because it was sin and all’?” The more Tony heard, the more he understood about their relationship, the more he tried understanding their relationship as well. “Would an image know that you asked Dum Dum to pass this to me?” Steve took out the dog tags that he has been wearing. He gave them to Bucky. Bucky took the dog tag that had his name engraved to it. He pressed his finger against the metal, as if he was examining whether it was real. He remained silent again. “I-I d-don’t.. know. Can I have some time to myself, please?” Steve had no idea if this words had any positive impact on the man he loved. He was a little dissatisfied with Bucky’s answer but he tried not to show it out.“Sure, Buck. Come on, Tony.” ~ “It’s okay. He’ll be alright Steve. He’ll be alright. We’ve gotten so far, and I’m sure we can go on with this. We just gotta keep trying you know.” “I know.” ~ When Steve followed Tony back to his room, he didn’t expect to fall asleep for four hours straight, on a silk woven armchair. His head was held low, hands being a pillar to withstand his weight. He was sleeping soundly, catching up for not sleeping for nearly two days now. Tony only slept for two. He was used to it and all, as he had gotten a good amount of rest on the few days before. Besides, he was always having troubles with his insomnia. He watched the blonde sleep. He didn’t want to wake him up either. Tony felt that Steve could use some sleep, especially right now, to clear his mind a little. Steve woke up suddenly and the first word that came out of his mouth was “Bucky”. He felt a bit guilty for leaving Bucky all alone, unattended. He woke up to have a look on Bucky, only to be interrupted by Stark. “Checkin’ on him?” “Yeah. You comin’ Stark?” Steve’s words were spontaneous. A few months ago he wouldn’t even have thought of being so close with the billionaire. But now, everything’s changed. Foes became friends and friends became foes. “Nah. You go. He needs you.” Steve gave out a dry smile, nodded and made his way to see the ex assassin. Cold sweat started to form on his skin, when he noticed that Bucky wasn’t where he had left him earlier. He walked passed a few walls, hoping that he’d find Bucky, probably sitting on a chair or talking to someone. But there he was, sitting on the cold marble floor while looking out to the scenery of the night, cold wind swaying the trees and stars twice their size. “They look even better here.” “What do?” “The stars.” Steve didn’t answer. “You remember that night?” “By the stream?” Steve asks. Steve saw Bucky staring at the night sky. He remembers the night, after saving Bucky and his regiment, the night where they both made love to each other and then laid on grass, naked, watching the stars as they fell asleep. For Steve, that was the most memorable thing that he had in his mind. Bucky turned his head, as if he wasn’t expecting Steve to be giving an answer. “So you’re real, huh? This is real huh?” Steve just smiled. “Yeah.” He loved how the silver spots of stars shone lightly on Bucky’s skin, giving a matte finish over his face. Bucky’s hands were on his bent up knees, clutching on the cottony material of his sweatpants. “You’re good?” Steve questioned. “I swear Steve, if you ask how I’m doing another time, I’ll punch that pretty lil’ face of yours.” Steve’s eyebrows were raised, eyes were wide, lips slightly parted and slowly engraving a smile. Now this was the Bucky he remembers. The hot tempered brunette who was always ready to pick up an argument with Steve.He wondered if this meant that Bucky was healed. “Alright. Alright. Jeez, Buck. I thought you would be happier to see me.” Steve joked. “Words can’t describe.” Bucky looked at Steve with a forced smile. It looked as if he could burst into tears, but he was just holding it back in, like he always does. Steve placed his hand over Bucky’s flesh arm, hoping that this time, he wouldn’t have to worry about Bucky trembling. Bucky didn’t pull away. But he startled a little. As if he it was way beyond his control. “Shit. I’m sorry S-Steve. I d-dunno what’s gotten into me.” “It’s okay Buck. It’s probably just due to Zola. It’s okay.” Bucky didn’t answer. He didn’t understand anything. He remembers that Zola’s done some things to him, but at least not to such an extent where he’d resent any touch from Steve. But then again, there’s this whole chapter in his life that he can’t remember. He feared that Zola’s gotten too deep into him until the feelings he had for Steve were somehow fading. “What year is it?” “2015.” “You’ve got to be kidding me.” “I was frozen for 70 years. Been alive for three years now.” “Then what about me?” “You were um… frozen too, but unlike me, you were active once in a while. ” “Meaning?” “I .. um.” Steve didn’t want to answer Bucky. Because if he did, that meant that he would have to tell Bucky everything about The Winter Soldier. What he did and what he was put through. “It’s something bad isn’t it? Hydra? ”Bucky asks confidently. “Look, Bucky. It wasn’t your fault.” “What did I do?” There was a certain sternness to Bucky’s voice, as if he was demanding answers from Steve. “You were brainwashed. Used as a weapon by Hydra.” “I didn’t ask about what they did to me, Steve, I want to know what I did.” “To be exact, I don’t know what you did.” Bucky could tell that Steve was lying. But there was no use pestering Steve for it, because it was obvious that Steve wasn’t going to tell him. He kept quiet for a while. “Thank you.” “For what, Buck?” “I know this whole thing is messed up. I have a feeling that you did a lot of stupid things to save my ass.” “You would have done the same for me.” “But that’s my job. It’s not your duty to look after me.” ~ Bruce felt that Bucky had made a miraculous recovery. Loki’s probably done a good job on Bucky. Strange admired Loki’s work. Despite being tricked by him before, Strange still felt that Loki was someone who was admirable and someone you could look up to in the field of magic. Tony was impressed but he’d be even more impressed if he could use of that magic to power up his Iron Man armors a bit longer. The men spent a few days there. Bucky was given all kinds of healing tonics that gave him better strength. His immune system was fortified. The Asgardian medicine were like a patch over the crack of a dam, it’ll last for some time, but not forever, because the damage was already done. It was more of a superficial healing. His cheeks glowed radiantly, his body putting on some weight due to the enlargement of his muscles. His skin tone was no longer as pale as ice. He looked healthier. Steve would occasionally have a look on Bucky, making sure that he was recovering well. And other times, Steve actually joined Strange, Stark and Banner on trips across Asgard. He brought beautiful flowers that he plucked from fields and farms back to the palace, put them in the nice engraved vase that was on a small table-like structure that was beside the spot that Bucky had slept. Steve enjoyed the smile that he saw on Bucky’s face upon noticing the flowers when he woke up. They had enjoyed the good hospitality that the Asgardians offered them. Tony learnt up games while Banner was in awe of the Asgardian medication. Sorcerers were part of the health system and the results of such treatments were tremendously good. It was nothing like the things they did on Earth. Of course, the Asgardians made all kinds of medicines, but they seemed far more effective than what Banner himself would be able to use back on Earth. Strange was getting a better hold over his control on dark matter and dark void. He even paid a visit to Loki, just to make sure he was placed right where he should be, behind a glass prison. And when everything was done, the five men headed home via the same that they came to Asgard in the first place. Heimdal opened the gates and made sure they had a safe journey home. Thor followed them back to pay a visit to Jane. He only stayed for a few hours in Stark’s building before heading off to meet Jane. ~ “Welcome to the future, Buck.” Bucky gave him a good stare, in a way that mocked Steve’s way of reusing Bucky’s words from the past. Bucky remembers saying the very same phrase years ago in the science fair, the very night before he left to war for the second time. “Very funny, punk.” Chapter End Notes This song is the song that would describe Steve desperately trying to reach out to Bucky. There's a part where Steve is trying to talk to Bucky, to check on him. He keeps asking Bucky if he's alright, but in a way, it just reassures what he wants to hear. He'd be willing to go through anything if it means that he can help Bucky. But he's wondering where he had gone wrong because Bucky is still withdrawing unconsciously from him. "let him know that you know best". Steve wants Bucky to know that he knows what is best for him, that is by not telling what Bucky had actually done, because he knows it'll break Bucky's heart. ***** Chapter 21 ***** Chapter Summary After a while of remaining in that position, Steve’s hand found its way to Bucky’s. Bucky’s grip was soft at first, as if he was unsure of it, but then it slowly became stronger. Steve wasn’t facing Bucky. ”I’m sorry.” “What for Buck?” “For sayin’ all those things to you. I never got to say sorry.” “It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay.” Steve whispered in Bucky’s ear. Steve planted a small kiss at the back of Buck’s head, at the soft hair. His head moved a little. Steve hated how Bucky still flinched at every touch, despite being cured. The only difference was that previously, Bucky would start trembling and even start talking about his punishment. The shudders seemed so much minor compared to what Bucky used to do. Steve could live with this, or at least he had to learn how to. Chapter Notes Good news: I can promise you that this is a happy chapter. Any Hunter Hayes fans out there? Cause the song for this chapter is Where we left off by Hunter Hayes. x SPOILER ALERT !! Also, the next chapter is gonna be a flashback chapter, it's gonna explain what happened between them when the Howling Commandos find out about their relationship, about their fight that Steve told Tony about in one of the earlier chapters and how Steve coped with Bucky falling. See the end of the chapter for more notes And the way we say goodbye, Is not that way that anyone would do. Like a wave out on the ocean, I will always come right back to you. Like we blinked, Not a moment is gone, We'll pick up where we left off. Avengers Tower Present day “You remember them?” "No, but I just feel familiar with all these people. Just give me a minute, I’ll figure them out.” But naturally, Bucky actually took more than a minute to guess who was who. The first one that he successfully guessed was Natasha, he said he remembers training her, like teaching her combat skills. And then he remembered Sam, but with wings. He thought he sounded crazy until Steve assured that he wasn’t. Next he remembered Bruce. He can see an image of the good doctor checking his pulse. Next was Clint, the arrow guy and followed by Rhodey, he recalled that the man had an armor just like Tony. And then it was Wade, the guy that everyone called Deadpool. Peter Parker was next, the nickname Spidey sprung like fountain to him. He remembered Strange as the man who walked along fields with him. Although it didn’t make any sense at first to Bucky, it wasn’t gibberish to Steve, Tony, Banner and Strange himself. They, of course, remembered the course of events that took place; Strange entering Bucky’s mind when he was still the asset to actually see how much damage was done. But Bucky didn’t actually remember who they were or any significance that they had on him. The only thing that he could recall were names and looks, characteristics. Attributes. He tried to be friendly to all of them. Right after meeting the real Bucky, Wade decided that everyone should come up with lists of things that Bucky should get introduced to now that he’s better and can actually enjoy the things in the future. Steve still had so many things that he needed catching up on, and all of those he’s still not acquainted with was not crossed out on his tiny notebook that he carried with him all the time. But at least he was a bit ahead of Bucky, and that was a good first. Back then, Bucky was the one who actually knew the latest buzz on gadgets and the latest movies. Steve smiled when everyone decided that Bucky was like their little baby that they were going to bring to this brand new world. ~ Bucky often was filled with glutton during meals. He was eating everything that he had laid his eyes upon. “It feel'z lik' I’ve not eat'n in fifty ye'rs. ‘onest. I can feel my tummy rumblin' all the time. Feel like I can even eat a whale!” His words were muffled by the food in his mouth. Bucky’s eating habits continued for the day. Nevertheless, everyone would just laugh or smile. They actually started liking the guy. He had a good sense of humor and pretty much, that was quite the necessity in a building where the atmosphere is filled with tension. ~ The first day wasn’t much eventful, but Bucky was already yawning twice every minute. “You wanna sleep Barnes?” “With that lovely woman over there, of course I would.” Bucky winked at Pepper, only to return the same reaction back at Stark. Stark raised his eyebrows. Pepper gave a flying kiss to Bucky and Bucky then pretended to grab the kiss and plaster it over his heart. Tony was biting his lips and Pepper was already giggling like a little schoolgirl. She loved to watch her boyfriend getting all anxious. “You watch your mouth. That’s my woman you’re talking about.” Stark tried making a witty comeback “Scared, Stark?” “Oh, hell no.” “Then you wouldn’t mind if I..” Bucky shrugged his shoulders playfully. “You’re starting to get on my nerves, Barnes. Hey Steve, put a leash on your boyfriend.” The rest of them laughed it out but Bucky seemed to be slightly uncomfortable with it. “He’s not m-my boyfriend. We’re not l-lovers.” “Relax Barnes. It’s just a joke.” Stark assured. Bucky nodded and remained silent. The rest of them chit chatted a little bit. “The room’s on the tenth floor right? I think I’m calling it a night.” Bucky walked up and headed back to the room. He wasn’t familiar with the building but he knew his way around to get to his room. Their room. Steve felt that it was a good idea that Bucky was with him during the nights, so he can watch over Bucky. “Your metal armed friend alright, Rogers?” Wade asked. “Yeah, no worries. He’s still from an era where homosexuality was a big no-no. He’s gonna take some time.” “But you know, it didn’t look like hatred. More like fear.” Pepper said. “He’s a bit moody when he’s tired. I’ll check on him in a while.” ~ It was nearly two hours later that Steve actually went back to his room. The room was dark, no lights were switched on. It was pitch darkness. He thought that Bucky might have slept. He switched on the small incandescent night lamp, only to be flabbergasted that Bucky was sitting topless on the bed. Bucky’s eyes winced upon the presence of the light, his body taken aback slightly. His hands covered his eyes, making sure that no bloody light was getting into his eyes. When he got used to the light, he started rubbing his forehead instead. "You haven’t sleep Buck?” “Not tired.” His answer was cold and short. Steve sat beside him, trying to make his own self seem small. He didn’t want to intimidate Bucky. "You think they know?” Steve saw Bucky’s worried face and immediately understood what he meant. “Other than Tony and Strange, no one else knows a word of it.” “How did they know?” “Strange found out when he was going through your mind. And Tony, Tony just asked me when we were in Asgard, waiting for you wake up.” "Shit. We’re screwed Steve. Was Stark trying to tell the rest of them?” Hey, it’s okay. Stark’s fine with it and no, he was just joking. He didn’t mean any harm. And Strange promised that he would never tell another soul. Besides, if they ever find out, it’ll be due to the way you overreact whenever someone makes one goddamn joke about fairies. And it's okay now. People like us can even get married yo each other. One of the best things of the modern world. ” “I’m sorry, Steve. I just can’t help it. The last time someone found out about us, we..we um fought. You and me. And I can’t afford that again this time. I feel like I was bein’ a jerk back then and I don't want to lose this second chance with ya, Stevie.” “You were always a jerk, Bucky. My jerk.” He could see Bucky’s body muscles flexing back as his tensed up body started to look more relaxed. His body slouched a little, eyes shut. His hands were by his side, feeling the silky and smooth sheets that covered the mattress that he was seated on. He had a small smile. He then rose up, took off his trousers and laid them on the chair that was neatly shoved into the work desk. He walked to the other side of the bed, and went under the covers, snuggled under the blankets. It has been a long time since he actually had a bed to sleep on. As a matter of fact, he never got anything to cover his skin even back before the war. He always made sure that Steve was warm as possible, even if it meant that he wouldn’t have anything to keep him comfortable. “Can I lay beside you?” Steve asked. Bucky turned his head around. “This is your bed. Your room. You can sleep wherever you want.” Steve got down to his briefs, and laid next to Bucky. He made sure he didn’t touch any part of Bucky’s skin. There was a considerable amount of distance between them. “Can you come closer?” Bucky asked this time. Steve didn’t expect Bucky to be asking him that, yet he couldn’t help but be slightly happy that Bucky actually wanted Steve to be close to him. Steve moved his body until his skin was in contact with that of Barnes. Bucky let out a small shudder at first, but then he made sure that he controlled himself. Steve placed his arm protectively over Bucky’s bare abdomen. Bucky moved a little, but it wasn’t as bad as the first one. He let out a small whimper. After a while of remaining in that position, Steve’s hand found its way to Bucky’s flesh arm. Bucky’s grip was soft at first, as if he was unsure of it, but then it slowly became stronger. Steve wasn’t facing Bucky, because his head was nuzzled against his neck. "I’m sorry,” said Bucky. “What for, Buck?” “For sayin’ all those things to you. I never got to say sorry.” “It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay.” Steve whispered in Bucky’s ear. Steve planted a small kiss at the back of Buck’s head, at the soft hair. His head moved a little. Steve hated how Bucky still flinched at every touch, despite being cured. The only difference was that previously, Bucky would start trembling and even start talking about his punishment. The shudders seemed so much minor compared to what Bucky used to do. Steve could live with this, or at least he had to learn how to actually deal with this now. That night they slept like that. Steve spooning Bucky and there was nothing sexual about it. ~ Bucky felt the sunlight burning his eyes. “Wake up, sunshine.” “Ummmm,” Bucky replied. He took the sheets and covered his face with it. "Bucky, this is your second day here. Everyone’s got plans on givin’ you the best trip around. So you have to get that lazy arse of yours up.” Steve pulled the sheets from Bucky. Bucky glared at Steve and then curled himself up like a kitten. “See you downstairs for breakfast, Buck.” Steve smiled before shutting the door. Bucky woke up eventually, after rolling around the bed finding the most comfortable position. He couldn’t sleep any longer, anyways, so he got up. He experimented with the shower a little. He was pleased that there was hot showers, something that he didn’t have the luxury of having since he got to war. Well, even before that, he had to work his ass off to get one and it broke down all the time. He came out of the steamy shower, dripping wet. He wasn’t wearing any towel and the whole floorboard was puddled with water. Bucky forgot to ask Steve for clothes his size too. He ended up rummaging through Steve’s drawer for a towel to wipe himself and get something decent to wear. The door knob twisted and Steve popped his head in. “What’s takin’ you so lo..” Steve saw Bucky covering his private area with a bunched up t-shirt that he grabbed in a rush. “EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING?” Steve just gave a cheeky grin. “Well, technically,…” “DO YOU MIND?’ “Alright, alright. Relax Buck.” Steve proceeded to close the door. “And, oh, by the way, the towels are in the third drawer.” Bucky could feel his red face reverting back to its original colour after Steve had left. He quickly took a towel from the third drawer and started to wipe himself as fast as he could. He then took one of Steve’s shirt and cargo pants to put it on himself. The sleeves were too long for him and so were the length of the pants. He felt that he looked ridiculous in clothes that were too big for him, but the plus side was that he could walk around all day smelling like the one thing he loved the most. He was in a rush to get downstairs that he forgot that he left his wet towel on the bed. He even forgot to roll up his sleeves so that the shirts wouldn’t look so huge on him. He reached the dining table, where everyone was waiting anxiously for him. They laughed when they see him in Steve’s oversized clothes. “What you all laughin’ at?” Bucky took his seat next to Steve, so that he wouldn’t feel left out. The round mahogany table was clearly custom made for a maximum number of eighteen people. It was like one of those meeting tables, except with a more familial and friendly garnish onto it. Tony was at one end and Pepper was at the other. Rhodes was always on Tony’s right and Banner was on his left. Natasha always sat opposite Sam and Sam would sit beside Steve. Clint and Wade sat beside each other. Two empty spots were left beside Strange, it was reserved for Thor and Jane, just in case they decided to crash along. Peter was on Bucky’s left. With three more additions to the Avengers; the Maximoff twins and Vision that were due to join them in two days time after completing their current special ops, the table would be considered full. He's heard the rest of them talking about the twins, the girl had some kind of magical power, not unlike Strange in some ways while the other one was fast, super fast and was close with Clint. He didn't hear much about Vision though, except for the part that he was some side product of something called Ultron. “Pass me the salt.” “Who wants the maple syrup?” "Milk! Over here!” Bucky liked it. He liked how everyone there was like one big family. At first it was like eating with far away relatives whom you knew nothing about. But the longer he was there, he felt accepted and yet somehow, he felt like he had known them for a very long time because the end of the day, he didn’t look at them as friends or distant relatives anymore. He would call them as siblings, as his family. ~ One could only imagine the look on Bucky’s face when he was handed a credit card by Tony. “So you’re tellin’ me, that if I swipe this card, it just kinda pays everythin’? And I can use it to buy whatever things I like?” “Yup. It’s the chip in work, actually. And also, it's because that I can actually afford anything. Stark legacy.” “So what should I use it for?” “Well, Pepper and Natasha are gonna take you boys for shopping, so no worries. They have pretty good taste in clothes, unlike Steve here, who just walks around everywhere with sweatpants and t-shirts.” “Oh come on. They’re not that bad. They’re pretty comfortable.” “I have to agree with Steve, though.” Pepper added. “But you need to look good, James. Shall we?” Pepper took hold of the wheels and Nat called shotgun. Steve and Bucky sat together behind. The Audi that she drove was shiny and sleek. Red in colour. Looked as if it was made exactly for a classy lady like her. Pepper drove to her favorite store, the same place where she gets Tony all his clothes as presents on his birthdays. The two ladies began shuffling through shirts and trousers, trying to find a look that suited Bucky. Steve just stood there with Bucky, occasionally pushing around hangers to see whether anything would fit Bucky. “Try these on.” Pepper handed him tonnes of t-shirts. Some of them had collars. Most of the were short sleeved. He didn’t like the idea of wearing short sleeved shirts, he was afraid of the looks he’d get when he was in public. Pepper said that he could wear the short sleeves at home and the long sleeves when he went out. She also assured him that people nowadays wouldn’t even notice his left arm; they were too busy with their work to actually observe the surrounding and that if anyone did notice, most of them would actually be fascinated by the technology of his arm. He went into the fitting room to try them on. He didn’t like the yellow one, thought it was a bit too simple and plain. It looked like something like Steve would wear. He felt that the t-shirts were a bit too tight. Not that he was uncomfortable with it, but he was just worried that the seams might rip off if he moved around too much. He could visibly feel that his nipples were too obvious under the white shirt. But when he showed off what Pepper had chosen to Steve, Steve said that the white shirt was his favourite, and that Bucky looked super buff in it. Natasha got few good shirts too. One was in pale orange color, another in dark violet. Another had thin dark grey stripes against the white background. She also picked one that was in baby blue and another one that was in dark navy blue. She thought that blue would bring out the fierce grey tone of his eyes. Picking the trousers was the hard part. Bucky was adamant that he wasn’t going to try them on, saying that it would be humiliating. They didn’t understand at first, but then Steve pulled him aside. “You’re not avoiding this because you’re not wearing underwear under those pants, are you?” “Shhh, Steve. You didn’t expect me to wear any of yours, did you? Hell, we’re not kids anymore.” "Right, Buck. I’ll inform Pepper about this issue.” “Do you really have to? Cause I’m pretty sure all those pants suit me anyway. And this is a guy’s thing. Them dames don’t have to know.” “Well, trying on the pants is one thing. We’d have to make another stop to take care of this problem.” “Just hand me the pants, Rogers. And you better shut up about this.” Once Bucky was in the fitting room, Steve immediately walked over to Natasha and Pepper. “How did you convince him?” Nat asked. "Piece of cake. He was just embarrassed.” “What? Why?” Pepper was the one who asked the questions this time. “He.. um.. Went commando.” “And by commando, you mean commando commando, right? Nothing to do with the Howling Commandos? ” Steve and Natasha laughed at Pepper’s attempt of cracking a joke. And by the sound of manic cackling through the doorway, Bucky knew that Steve had spilled the beans. He’d have to wait, if he wanted to take revenge by telling everyone all the embarrassing things that he remembers about Steve. Bucky liked cargo pants. He felt that they would come in handy, especially if he wanted to keep weapons or hand grenades that Falsworth used to make. But he immediately corrected himself after that. This was the future now. No more throwing hand grenades or stuffing pocket knives at someone’s face. He got himself a few trousers, cargo pants and sweatpants. He also got a nice leather belt. Steve chose a suit for Bucky. He picked a blue one. He remembers Bucky looking amazing in a blue suit, he remembers Bucky wearing a blue one when they kissed for the first time. Steve never forgot what Bucky looked like on that day. And when Bucky tried it on, he looked stunning. As always. ~ When they were done for the day, Bucky had a wardrobe full of clothes, a few pairs of sneakers, socks and a pair of white leather shoes to match his suit. Not to mention the really comfortable briefs and boxers that Pepper and Natasha had shamelessly chose for him back in the lingerie store. Chapter End Notes I kinda like this song a lot and I really think it fits the love story between Bucky and Steve. Now that Bucky's cured, or seems to be cured, Steve is trying to get him back on track. And these are the adventures that's gonna take place between the both of them. This song was chosen because this is now where they're picking up from where they left off. Like a wave out on the ocean I will always come right back to you No matter what separates them, they always end up together, as if it was destiny. At first it was at Schimdt's lab, and then after that he was turned into an assassin but the fact remains that no matter what happens, they are always able to find each other. ***** Chapter 22 ***** Chapter Summary For the first time in their lives, Falsworth and Jones saw the element of fear in Bucky’s eyes.Bucky’s mouth was slightly gaped and his grip onto Steve’s hand tightened. He looked scared. His body curled up next to Steve’s and Steve gripped him tight in return. Steve looked scared too, but he wanted to hide Bucky, like an overprotective mother bear, keeping its cub from danger. Steve’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down prominently. Chapter Notes x   Song for this chapter is Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz This chapter was too long so I had to cut it into two parts. The second part will be continued on the next chapter. See the end of the chapter for more notes Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm afraid of what you'll see right now. I give you everything I am, All my broken heart beats. Until I know you'll understand. And I will make sure to keep my distance, Say, "I love you," when you're not listening, And how long can we keep this up, up, up? And I keep waiting, For you to take me. You keep waiting, To save what we have. April 26th 1942 Germany When Steve woke up next morning, his body was sticky. He had his clothes on, but he felt really uncomfortable, as if his whole body was itching. He smelt like dirt and soil mixed with some kind of sour smell, as if he has been wallowing in mud all day and hasn’t bathed ever since. Bucky wasn’t beside him, he wasn’t there to be found. He’d probably gone back to sleep in the tent or he probably gone to clean up himself after yesterday night. Oh, yeah. Steve remembers it alright. He remembers giving Bucky pleasure all night, as if the brunette was the only thing that Steve loved in the whole wide world. He remembers the dreamy look in Bucky’s eyes when Steve was inside of him. He remembers covering Bucky’s mouth so that the brunette wouldn’t be moaning too loud or making inappropriate noises that could wake up the other members of the Howling Commandos. “Cap! You look terrible! Night guard got to you?” Steve just smiled at Dum Dum’s questions. He couldn’t give a definite answer. “Maybe next time, we can take turns. That way, no one would doze off.” Bucky said as he walked from afar. He looked fresh and good, after a nice dip in the river. “I didn’t sleep if that’s what you’re implying, Barnes.” “I didn’t say a thing. You’ll only feel guilty if you actually did it.” Great comeback. Steve hated the fact that Bucky was always a wisecrack. “Shuddup, Barnes.” ~ Ever since that day, Steve and Bucky would sneak out during the night. It was the only way that they could love each other without being noticed or judged. “Whatdidcha tell Morita?” Bucky asked as the both of them wandered through the forest. “Told him that the both of us were goin’ out to survey the woods and look for potential danger.” “You lied.” “Technically, no. Cause we are in the words and we’re actually scouting for a good and quiet place." “But still...” “You want me to tell him that I was going to the woods to fuck their Sergeant?” “No, but you think he bought it?” “There’s no reason that he shouldn’t. Besides, I don’t think they’ll even find us here.” “I hope so.” “Why don't you loosen up a little and stop worrying too much.” Steve grabbed Bucky by his waist and brought him closer. He placed a peck on Bucky’s sharp nose. Bucky kissed Steve. Their tongues made their way into each other’s mouths. Bucky’s right hand was strong against Steve’s head, pushing Steve closer towards himself. His left hand was against the blonde’s neck, gently playing the soft skin. Steve’s hands were on Bucky’s cheeks. Their kiss was nice and slow. You could see Bucky smiling when they both let go gasping for air. He had this beautiful smile that Steve just adored. When Bucky smiled, his upper row of teeth would be visible, crow’s feet at the edge of his eyes obvious. “You’re beautiful, James Buchanan Barnes. God, I could kiss you all day.” “Then what are you waiting for? New year to come?” “Oh, shut up,” Steve said as he pressed his lips once again on Bucky’s. His hands fumbled with the buttons of Bucky’s blue uniform. He took off the clothing and threw it on the ground. His hands then worked their way onto his own skin tight uniform. He pulled the shirt through his head. Steve then pushed Bucky down to the ground. They still had their pants on. Steve was slowly grinding against Bucky. The older brunette could feel Steve’s hardness against his thighs. “Is that a gun in your pocket, Rogers, or are you just happy to see me?” “Don’t worry, it’s a gun. One that’ll never miss.” Bucky almost choked on his saliva. He couldn’t fathom the idea of Steve actually saying dirty stuff like this. “Who are you and what have you done Steve Rogers?” “I’m an upgrade. Why, don’t you like the new package? Heard it lasts longer.” Steve’s gonna get into a lot of trouble if he keeps up with his new vocabulary for sassiness. On the other side, his cockiness, the same blinding confidence that he had was still a part of him, and it had always made Bucky feel so aroused. “Clearly not as long as me, though.” “Wanna bet, Barnes?” “Oh, hell yes.” Steve started taking of his boots and then his trousers. He got rid of whatever underwear he was wearing, sat at one corner and started pumping his own cock. Bucky didn’t understand at first. That was, until Steve actually started moaning Bucky’s name. “Oh, Bucky. You’re so good. God.” Bucky tried to look away but he couldn’t. The sight of Steve touching himself while thinking of Bucky was already doing things to the brunette. He would have started doing the same, but he knows that if he actually did, he might actually cum before Steve. “This ain’t fair Stevie. You didn’t say you were gonna touch yourself and cry out my name.” “Why, cause it makes you so damn hot for me? Oh, fuck. Yeah.” Steve started moving his hands faster. “Ummm.. ” Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. Hell, if Steve wants to play dirty, so be it. He took off his pants and moved closer towards Steve. He moved Steve’s hand away from his cock and started using his mouth instead. He went slowly at first, but he picked up his speed. He’d look up at Steve, eyes wide open and his mouth full of Steve’s cock. Steve thrust himself harder into Bucky’s mouth. This continued until Steve knew he was on the edge. He wasn’t going to give up that easily. He took out his fully erect cock from Bucky’s mouth, even though he knew it was going to hurt like a bitch and that he’ll be having a hard time of not cumming. But he wanted to win the bet. This time he went down on Bucky. His mouth all sloppy over Bucky’s hardness. Dammit, Steve. Oh yeah... God. Stevie... You're so good. Ah... Babydoll...faster. ” Steve did a good job on making Bucky whimper every now and then. He liked it when Bucky was moaning and crying out his name, calling him babydoll like that, even when he's the one who's being fucked like a whore. He felt dominant. He pulled his mouth away. Bucky’s cock glistened with Steve’s saliva. The blonde made one last lick, pulled it with a pop sound, before spreading Bucky’s legs. He inserted one finger into Bucky’s hole and he could see how Bucky reacted to it. His eyes closing in bliss, fluttering every now and then while Steve moved the finger in and out of his hole. He then added another finger, and then another. “You son of a... bitch. Oh god, please, fuck me.. Stevie..” “They don’t call me the master of strategies for nothin’, Buck.” And with that Steve took out his fingers, moved his shaft that was lubricated with saliva into Bucky’s hole. He went in and out a few times. Fuck! Bucky was already rock hard from all the sucking just now and when Steve hit his prostate, he couldn’t keep it in any longer. He came. Steve got hold of the tip of Bucky's cock, catching every single drop that oozed out from the slit in his palms. Bucky knew the exact moment when Steve came, he could feel Steve filling him up, the warm liquid slowly coming out of his hole as Steve pulled his cock out of Bucky's hole, dribbling down his legs. Steve pulled himself out and laid himself beside Bucky for a few minutes. They let their heavy pantings reside. He then slowly picked up his clothes and after he was done putting them on, he whispered something into Bucky’s ears. "I won.” ~ The next time they did each other was two days later, after they finished torching down another Hydra base. They told Dum Dum, who was on guard duty that day, that they were going to check out the base that they cleared out earlier, making sure that there were no survivors or no more new Hydra members who tried to save whatever that was left from the fire. They did go to the base and made sure nothing was there. And that was before they started fucking each other. Steve had Bucky pinned down to the ground, his blue uniform plastered in white ash. There was something so exciting about the idea of being vulnerable and naked in an enemy territory. Something so terrifying, pumping adrenaline into their bodies. And when they got back, both of them were covered in sweat and ash, yet no questions were asked. ~ April 30th 1942 “Cap, have you seen Sarge?” Falsworth asked. It was almost ten in the night. Bucky told Monty that he was heading out to the mountains to get a good bird’s eye view for tomorrow’s event. He had left them about half an hour ago. “As a matter of fact, no. Where’d he go?” "To the mountains.” Falsworth answered. “I’ll go check on him.” "Do you think he’s in trouble?” “No, he’s our Sarge. No trouble is too big for him. But I'm gonna check it out. You stay here.” Steve stood up and walked towards the dark woods. He carried a torchlight with him. Falsworth waited for about 5 minutes before actually following Steve, disobeying his Captain's orders. He was worried that those two might actually get into some serious trouble. So he brought along Jones and asked Dum Dum to take over night guard until he gets back. “You think the both of them are in danger?” “It’s probably nothing, Dum Dum. I just want to check it out.” Both Jones and Falsworth had a hard time meandering through the jungle. They followed in the directions of footprints. There were two sets of footprints and by the looks of it, they looked like they belonged to Cap and Sarge. The prints of their boots were pretty obvious, they had to know how to differentiate their bootprints from ones that belonged to enemies. They stopped walking when they heard voices. Falsworth placed his index finger against his mouth, as a signal for Jones to walk as quietly as possible. They thought they’d be able to ambush whatever that was dangering their brothers in arms. But when they peeked through the overgrown leaves and wild shrubs, they were shocked. They saw their Captain hugging their Sergeant. At first they thought it was just something platonic, probably Bucky was lost and Steve had just found him. But their views were changed upon seeing what took place next. Steve placed his forehead against Bucky’s and looked right into his eyes. His hands made their way from Bucky's soft brown hair to his cheeks. “What took you so long?” The shorter man had asked. “I couldn’t just follow you. It would have been suspicious, Buck.” Bucky’s hands were on Steve’s shoulder and around the blonde’s neck. Steve then lowered his mouth it met the ruby red lips belonging to Bucky. Steve kissed him long and hard, as if there was no tomorrow. He then moved his mouth even lower and started placing kisses on Bucky’s jaw. He moved down a little more and then began kissing Bucky’s neck. What the hell “Ummppphhh…” Bucky had let out a loud moan when Steve bit the skin around his neck. The skin was turning pink from all the attention it was getting. Bucky’s hands were all over Steve’s neck and hair, as if he were letting Steve know that he loved what Steve was doing that to him. Falsworth and Jones watched the two men kiss and then they looked at each other in total shock. They didn’t understand what was going on. Was it really what it looked liked? Were their Commanding Officer and his right hand man really kissing each other or was it just a figment of their twisted imagination? They saw Steve and Bucky taking off each other’s upper uniform. They watched as Steve hovered himself above Bucky. Steve planted wet and sloppy kisses upon Bucky’s bare abdomen. They saw how every time Steve’s lips touched Bucky’s body, the older man would moan in pleasure. They saw Steve and Bucky clinging onto each other, only with their pants on, and how love struck they seemed to be. Steve’s hands were entangled with those of Bucky’s. They heard their Captain saying "You're beautiful, James." They saw him moving his fingers over Barnes' lips before actually nibbling on it ever so gently. They realised that Steve had loved Bucky and Bucky had loved Steve back. It made sense why Bucky didn't say anything about knowing Steve earlier to them, he was afraid that they would have found out about his real relationship with Captain America. Jones accidently dropped his rifle when he saw Steve fumbling with the zipper of Bucky’s pants. Both lovers were in shock. They stopped moving. Steve and Bucky turned around, and noticed Jones and Falsworth watching them. Their hands were still clasped together. For the first time in their lives, Falsworth and Jones saw the element of fear in their sergeant's eyes. Bucky’s mouth was slightly gaped and his grip onto Steve’s hand tightened. He looked scared. His body curled up next to Steve’s and Steve gripped him tight in return. Steve looked scared too, but he wanted to hide Bucky, like an overprotective mother bear, keeping its cub from danger. Steve’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down prominently. Falsworth and Jones stared at them before they headed back to their campsite. ~ All the gentle touches and the longing glances made perfect sense now. They weren’t just best friends, they were lovers. “I can’t believe this. That’s disgustin’. I knew somethin’ was wron’ wit’ you the moment you flirted wit’ al’ the dames but never actually fucked them.” Dum Dum said to Bucky. “I looked up to the both of you, but now, every inch of that respect is gone.” He spat at their feet. Dernier said something in French which Jones refused to translate. But both the lovers knew it must have been something terrible. ”So you and Carter were just an act huh? Does she know?” Morita asked Steve looked at the ground. He couldn’t answer that question. Falsworth said their act back in the woods was heinous and that they should be ashamed of themselves. Jones didn’t say anything, but he gave them a good stare that managed to eat their souls. Bucky and Steve turned their heads away. They were hurt. And since that day, the relationship between Bucky and Steve was never the same again. Bucky avoided Steve. They never sat beside each other. If one of the lovers was hurt during ops, the other would not help them to fix up their wounds. They patched up all their wounds all by themselves now, because no one would want to touch them, afraid that the disease would spread you see. Bucky took care of himself and Steve took care of himself. There was no more caring for the other. Dum Dum was the meanest on them. He would call them every single word that was used to shame fairies. For him, they were nothing but disgusting perverts who went against the natural order of things. The fact that they had saved his life didn’t even matter anymore. It was already forgotten. Morita and Jones didn’t say much. They had realised that they, being racially different than most Americans, would have been treated unequally by other commanding officers. Even when Bucky was their head, he had never differentiated them. The least they could do now was to shut up about it. Falsworth and Dernier would sometimes say spiteful things. Other than that, their unit was somewhat fully functional. And they noticed how Steve was harsher on Bucky. Steve was their commanding officer and he was in charge of everything. Their Sarge was not given an option to voice out his opinion anymore. And if he raised his voice, he was given night guard or sentry duty. Back then, everyone was equal, everyone was given back up if they were in a compromising situation. And now, Steve would always place Bucky alone, as if he’s trying to prove something. Occasionally, one of commandos would stand up for Bucky, because Steve was being irrational. But Steve would tell them that it was an order and Bucky needs to fulfill it. Steve wasn’t a tyrannical dictator. He was only trying to keep his team intact. He had to be rough on Bucky. Every act of kindness towards Bucky would be taken in a wrong way and could be used against them, even if Steve would have done the exact same for the rest. He treated the remaining commandos right and just, even if he’s heard horrendous things coming out from their mouths. If this issue reached Colonel Phillips, this whole unit could be discharged. Everything would be kept as a hush-hush thing because they can’t have the news of Captain America fucking his fellow soldier, spreading out to the masses. Not only it would look bad on the military, but it would also be a forte for the Nazis. But rationally, fighting alongside fairies seemed like a much better option than to just sit and do nothing. The remaining commandos knew that they had to shut up. Orders were followed because the Howling Commandos were a Special Task Force. And in a Special Task Force, you are supposed to shut up and do your goddamn job. “I can assure you that nothing like this will happen again. That was just a onetime thing. I appreciate the fact that you have not reported us.” “We’re not doing it for you, we’re doing it for ourselves and for our country.” Dugan answered. ~ May 2nd, 1942 Germany Falsworth and Morita were assigned to infiltrate one of Hydra’s smaller barracks on themselves. They got captured before entering the building. It was Bucky who saved them. The others were still on the other side and it would have been too late by the time they would have arrived. Bucky managed to single handedly take out 10 soldiers with his sniper skills only to get to Monty and Morita just before their heads were cut off. They owed a fairy their life. It was shameful of course. A man who would be seen as feminine to the outside world, managed to save their lives yet again, as if the previous times didn’t matter enough. The cold shoulder they had given him clearly wasn’t a hindrance for their safety which was always Bucky’s priority. t was then, that they had realized, that no matter what Steve and Bucky might be, they were still soldiers. Their Sarge and their Captain were braver than most lot and they were always putting the lives of their men before their very own. Everyone said that fairies were weak, that they have no guts. But after this war, after seeing these two soldiers, a man has to review his stands. One cannot just believe in the masses when there is evidence against the herd mentality. [Falsworth] “Guys, we have to stop this. We can’t do this anymore. We can all see how this is affecting us.” With Steve constantly trying to prove himself and Bucky taking up blows for all of their mistakes, it was only a matter of time until something bad happened. [Dugan] “So what? You want us to pretend like nothin’ ever happened so that we’re not going to break their little fairy hearts?” [Morita] “I don't like 'em fairies either, but Sarge saved our lives so many times. This is the least we can do for him.” Jones] “I’d have to agree. [Dernier] “Then you should have thought about it before telling us in the first place," he said in French. [Jones] “I thought I was doin’ the right thing.” ~ Bucky and Dernier got injured bad that evening. Their camp site got ambushed. Steve didn’t even take a look at Bucky. He told Jones to patch up Dernier first and make sure that Dum Dum, Falsworth and Morita also get treated. Only whatever that remained was to be used on Bucky. Jones argued. “Sarge is the most injured, Cap. Other than Dernier and him, the rest of us only got minor scratches. If there’s anyone that I should treat first, it would be Sarge.” “Your Sarge can take good care of himself. For now, focus on them.” Steve made sure that he checked how everyone was doing for that night, except Bucky. Steve wanted to look after Bucky, give him all he had, but he can’t. It was hurting Steve to not see how Bucky was doing, to not help him get through all of this, but it was his job, to do what was right for the team. And the rest of the commandos knew what Steve had felt, that he was only avoiding Bucky because of them. They saw the worried expression on his face when Jones first told him that Bucky had got injured bad and they saw how he mustered up a firm look before proceeding with new instructions for the rest of the team without even asking how Bucky was doing. Even Dum Dum’s heart changed after that. He asked Steve to take a look at his right hand man, but Steve didn’t. Dum Dum was married and he knew what it was like seeing someone you love, being in pain. He’d do whatever he can to help his wife, help reduce the suffering that his Mary would be facing. They all knew that if Jones and Falsworth didn’t see what happened between Steve and Bucky that night, their whole team would be better prepared. It wouldn't be as dysfunctional as it was now. It was obvious that Steve and Bucky avoided each other because it was the only thing that they could do. If an outsider joined their team, not knowing of the past, they would just assume that Steve Rogers hated the sniper because he never showed any form of compassion to Bucky since their secret was out. They kept their distance. Steve never called him Bucky or Buck since that day. He only called him Sergent. Bucky would only refer to him as Captain, no longer were the words punk or Stevie used in his daily conversation, that is, if they even have a conversation. They never joked around, everything was direct and straight to the point. How can someone pretend to not love what they hold dearest to their hearts? It would have been painful. It would have killed them. The Howling Commandos in the end made an agreement. No one was to open their mouth about the incident that took place on the 30th of April. No longer would discriminating words come out from any one of the soldiers’ mouth. They tried to fix the mess they made by being nicer to their commanding officer and their Sergeant, not looking at them as the lowest form of celestial beings anymore. They tried to piece back the group like it used to be, but it was of no use. The damage was already done. Chapter End Notes I guess it's about how Steve and Bucky are struggling to keep their distance. They can't stand close to each other, no more soft touches and no longer are the days where these two men could say how much they loved each other. And after their secret was found out, that was the only way that they could avoid the worst possible scenario of being blue ticketed back. They were so close yet, they felt that they were so far apart. Kudos and comments are much appreciated. Also, you can find me on stuckyisbae.tumblr.com if you have any questions or you want to say hi and all xx ***** Chapter 23 ***** Chapter Summary Steve dived the plane two weeks after Bucky’s death. Everyone thought that he did that because he wanted to make sure that the plane didn’t hit any city and hurt any civilians. Only the Howling Commandos knew the truth. They know how Steve suffered the loss of his best friend and his lover. They knew that the real reason Steve did that because he wanted to end his life, so that he could see Bucky again. Because he if he wanted to live, he could have given the coordinates to Peggy and they would have found him in no time. He’d hate to keep Bucky waiting any longer for him. Chapter Notes The song for this chapter is Somebody I used to know by Gotye and Kimbra. x This link is for a lyrics video, because the official video was very soft and I couldn't hear most of the lyrics. This is a very angsty chapter. I know this chapter is gonna break a few hearts but I'll make it up to you guys in the following chapters. Also, is the last flashback chapter. Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated xx See the end of the chapter for more notes But you didn't have to cut me off, Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don't even need your love, But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. No you didn't have to stoop so low, Have your friends collect your records and then change your number, I guess that I don't need that though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know. May 14th, 1942 Austria It was Morita who first received the news, about a week ago. “Hitler has surrended.” The Howling Commandos cheered and clapped that night when Morita told them about it. They were happy. They celebrated by opening the last bottle of Jack Daniel’s that was handed to them by the Colonel. Despite the fact that the main man had step down, Hydra was still fully functionally and growing ever stronger now. Johann Schmidt had taken over everything for a whole twelve days now and it seemed like he was doing a good job. He got rid of the useless weaponry and replaced them with advanced ones, thanks to Arnim Zola and his men. “So what if Hitler gave up? He is just one limb. Remember, brothers, that if you cut off one limb, two more shall take its place. Hydra will fight till the very end. Hail Hydra!” Today, however, Morita successfully tapped into the radio frequency that Hydra was using to send messages. And by the looks of it, they’ve got good intel that Arnim Zola would be on a train to cross the border, from Austria back to Germany on the sixteenth of May, which left them with only one whole day to prepare before bringing down a pillar of Hydra’s structure. Steve sat alone for the rest of the day, planning out whatever that was to be done. He knew that Zola would likely have ground support, so the best thing they could do was to attack mid air. Zola can’t escape, because he’ll be stuck in the train. Steve knows that he has to launch the attack on Zola by himself, because you’d never know what kind of weapons that they might have in hand. Besides, anything could go wrong in a hanging train and Steve wasn’t ready to risk the lives of his men. He needed the remaining commandos to guard the ground. And Zola has done so many horrible things to Bucky. Steve definitely wants revenge. “Alright guys, here’s the plan. We set up our perimeter at the border of Austria, because that’s where he’s heading from. And from there I’ll slide down and launch an attack on Zola and his men. ” No one said a thing against Steve. “You’re going alone in the train?” Bucky voiced out. “Yes.” “Captain, this is stupid. You’re going in there without any backup. Anything can happen.” “No, I can handle them, Sergeant. Besides, I want the ground to be covered just in case he tries to escape. Also by covering the ground, we can get some of his men who will be waiting for him. I want three men on each side so that everything will be secure.” “You do know that your plan is like a suicide mission right? Besides, I want to get my hands on that bastard for laying his finger on me and my troops.” “Sergeant, this is not a one man mission. This is an attack on Hydra. If you cannot control your emotions on the battlefield, or if you have a personal vendetta against our target, I suggest that you stay back and report to Colonel Phillips for the team’s next briefing. I don’t want you to jeopardise our mission. ” “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?” Bucky’s tone was one belonging to a pissed off man. “No.” Bucky just walked off after that. He had enough. He hated how Steve was always trying to prove himself to the rest of the Commandos. “Should I go after him, Captain?” Jones asked. “No. He has to handle his issues alone.” The rest of them just looked at each other. Steve was always being harsh on Bucky, today was no different. Even when they stopped calling them names, their Commanding Officer was still giving their Sergeant a hard time. They didn’t know who were to blame. One part of the wanted to blame the both lovers because they should have not continued their romance on the battleground, the other part wanted to blame themselves for making everything worst, by humiliating them to the fact that now the both men looked and acted like sworn enemies. “So I assume the rest of you agree with this plan?” The plan seemed like a reasonable one. The Howling Commandos have done riskier plans and they have succeeded. And Captain Rogers would be able to handle a few men on the train. But as what Bucky said, it was a suicide mission, anything could go wrong without back up. ~ It was almost two to three hours later when Bucky finally came back. His face was a bit softer than it was, when he first left. He had started to round up his ammunition when Steve called him. “Sergeant, meet me in the tent, in five minutes time. We need to talk.” Bucky didn’t answer a “Yes, Cap” like the rest of the Howling Commandos would have. He just nodded without looking at the blonde. When he was done with cleaning his rifles, he went to see Steve. “You said you wanted to see me?” “Yes, sit down.” “No thanks. I’m good. Just get to the point.” Steve looked at him from head to toe. “I see. I was hoping to talk to you about what you did back there.” Bucky remained silent. His arms that were previously on his side crossed against his torso as he gave Steve a “I’m-tired-of-this” kind of body language. He knew that Steve understood what he was implying and he didn't care if it had hurt Steve. Steve's hurt his feelings far more than he could ever imagine, treating him like he was the scum of their task force. “As I was saying, I didn’t like what you did back there. We have to respect each other. If you walk out on us again, I’ll have to report you to the Colonel and I might have to take disciplinary action on you.” “You’re talking about respect? Cause I don’t see how you’re respectin’ me. Every time I say anythin’, you shut me down. So yeah, I might be a lil’ blur on this respect that you speak of, Captain.” The last word was said as if it was something bitter as vile. “You do know that I have no other choice, right?” “No. You always have a choice.” Bucky was about to leave when Steve stopped him. “I’m not done yet, Sergeant.” “But I am.” He moved towards the outside of the tent, when Steve grabbed him by his shoulder. “DON’T TOUCH ME.” Steve was taken aback by Bucky’s words. “What’s wrong with you?” “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? NOTHIN’S WRONG WITH ME.” Bucky’s tone was loud “Then why are you acting like this?” “Oh what? You suddenly care about me now?” “Bucky, I..” “DON’T YOU BUCKY ME. I’M ONLY YOUR SERGEANT, NOTHIN’ MORE.” “You know that’s not true.” “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S TRUE ANYMORE. YOU OPPRESS ME LIKE I’M NOTHIN’. SO DON’T START CARIN’ NOW.” “YOU ACT AS IF IT’S MY FAULT. I’M DOIN’ IT FOR BOTH OF US.” Steve shouted back. “No you're only doing this for yourself. I told you a long time ago that we shouldn't do this, that we shouldn't continue what we did back in Brooklyn. I told you to be with Peggy and you refused. I told you that being your number two was good enough for me, but you wanted this. Yet now that everything's gone wrong, all you do is shove me way. Tell me Steve, how is this good for both of us when all your actions seem to imply that I'm a huge disgrace? And don't you ever forget that you made me into this, you kissed me first.” "That's why I ran away, so that you wouldn't be dragged into this. You kissed me again and acted as if you were okay with it, as if you liked it. I thought you loved me." Bucky pushed Steve against one corner, his anger and rage all boiled up. His fists clenched the collar of the blonde's unifrom. "DONT. YOU EVER DARE. TALK AS IF. I. NEVER LOVED YOU." “Sergeant, control yourself. You’re shouting and I’m pretty sure everyone’s gonna hear us arguing if you keep up with it.” Steve’s words contradicted his own actions. “SO WHAT? NO ONE’S HAD ANY RESPECT FOR ME SINCE THAT DAY AND HELL, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.” “MAYBE YOU DON’T BUT I DO.” Steve pushed Bucky back, not to hard, just enough for Steve to regain his authority. “Huh.” Bucky huffed. “I thought you changed only a little. But I was wrong.” “What are you talking about?” "I guess it’s time I told you then. You’ve changed a lot after the serum. At first I thought it was just because you’re seeing life from a different angle. But now, I’ve realised it’s more than that. You want to control everything and you think the whole universe revolves around you. But the truth is, you’re just like me, we’re nothin’. You think you have a bigger obligation than us, that you have a bigger importance than us and that you’re a gift to the world. Maybe you’re right, you are special. But it took away the kindness you had.” “You’re jealous that I’m better than you? Hell yeah, you should be. I’m not little or small anymore. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you watchin’ my back every second because you think I can’t defend myself. The truth is, yeah, I’m stronger than you and I can do things that you can’t. And I plan on makin’ full use of it. Helpin’ out people. It’s about the bigger picture, now.” “Bigger picture.” Bucky taunted. “Back then, it were the little things that counted. You’re not him anymore, you’re not the Steve Rogers that I used to know. You’re not the little guy who stood up to bullies anymore. You’ve become one of them bastards yourself. You ain’t the kid who stood up for what he believed in.” It was clear that Bucky has kept so many things to himself ever since Steve saved him. Bucky wasn’t really one to hold a grudge, he’s always forgiven Steve for being a prick back them in Brooklyn. But somehow, things have changed between them. Bucky was no longer close to Steve and it so was it vice versa. It was clear that Bucky had built this wall between him and Steve. “SO WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? JUST GO BACK AND BECOME THE ONE KID THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT? NO, I CAN’T GO BACK TO THAT.” Bucky’s lips turned into a frown. He tried to smile because he knew he was hurt. “You know, I’d give up everything to go back to what we were before. The only reason I went to war was so that you’ll be safe there. I guess we’re just not on the same page, Steve." Bucky looked away. His eyes were slightly damp, his cheeks red like crimson and Steve could see it. He moved in front of Bucky and tried to hold him by his chin. Bucky moved away. “I loved you since I was seven. Since we were kids and went to school together. But I only told you that after ten years because I was afraid of what you’d think. And you want to believe that now, after two years into war, I don’t love you anymore?” “You think you were the only one who was carrying a torch for a decade? You never thought that for one moment, that the fact that I’d risk my life to save yours since we became friends was weird? You’d never know how many times I was willing to do anything that would trade my life for yours whenever you got too sick. You wouldn’t understand that, because you never promised my ma to take care of me when she’s gone.” Steve never knew that Bucky promised his mother, Sarah, to take care of him. He knew his ma and Bucky were close, but he never would have thought that his mother would do that. It made sense, because Bucky was the one who was always looking out for Steve. She would have had no idea that he was the stronger one now, due to the serum. “I didn’t know.” “There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. You don't know the things I did for you when we were back in Brooklyn. You don't know what I did for money, when we needed the extra money urgently. You don't know how much I wished that I was a dame, even when you were the smaller one, so that we didn't have to pretend with all of this. You don’t know how much I miss him.” “Who?” “The old Steve.” “I’m still him.” “You’re not him anymore. Because if you were, I would still love you.” “Does that mean you hate me now?” Bucky didn’t answer. “ANSWER ME, DAMMIT.” “Yes, I hate you. I hate you for what you’ve become. I hate you because I feel dead and empty without him. I hate you for consuming the one person I loved my whole life." One couldn’t tell whether Steve was furious or whether he was heartbroken. Maybe he was both. Outside, the Howling Commandos heard every single detail of their argument. If they felt guilty for separating the two lovers before, they felt even worse now. Who would have known that two people can actually carry a torch for each other for so long. It was heartbreaking how the war was affecting their love. They always thought that their Sarge was the one who's to be blamed for the way Rogers and Carter didn't work out. They didn't know that Bucky was willing to sacrifice his love towards Steve, just so that Steve go on with a normal life. Steve asked Bucky to get out, that he didn’t want to see him anymore. “Leave me alone.” The Commandos looked at each other and whispered among themselves. They kept quiet when they saw Bucky walked passed him with a scorn on his face. He didn’t talk to anyone after that. He kept to himself for the whole day. About an hour later, Steve called Dum Dum and told him that the plans were changed. Steve would go in the train and then followed by their Sergeant. Dum Dum looked at Steve with sympathy. He could see Steve was disturbed and unstable. Steve was hurt. And so was Bucky. In an argument, you just couldn’t blame a specific person. It is during anger and frustration, that one’s true thoughts were released. Neither Steve or Bucky were against each other, but they had just loved each other too much. That was their biggest flaw. They should have known that the world didn’t have a place for two men to fall in love. ~ May 16th, 1942 Border of Austria and Germany Steve never thought anything bad would have happened in the train. He thought everything would go according to plan, after all it was just a regular mission. But he should have known something was about to go wrong when Bucky made the stupid joke about the Coney Island trip. Steve and Bucky didn’t talk for the whole day before and it just made the whole mission on the next day a bit more tense then it was supposed to be. Bucky was just trying to de-stress them a bit, also perhaps to try to patch things up with Steve. Steve joined along. He couldn’t imagine what it’ll be like if Bucky was angry with him for more than two days, because he had never been in that situation before. But Bucky’s words weren’t that good of a relationship band aid. But when Bucky fell, he knew he lost everything. Technically, the last thing Bucky said was Steve’s name, which he shouted loud enough as he fell into the ravine. But the words “I hate you” that Bucky said on the day before, they way that he had put it, went on and on like a broken vinyl record in Steve’s mind. Maybe because those were the last honest and most hurting words that Bucky had said to him. Bucky probably died hating him and it haunted Steve. Steve drank everything from the strongest scotch to the highest quality of whiskey, tried to get as drunk as possible as he could, but he just couldn’t. He remembers getting all wasted one night, before the serum, with the alcohol that Bucky stole from one of their neighbours. Steve was babbling gibberish and tripping over all his steps. At that time, he had been able to feel happy and forget about all his worries. But now, he just couldn’t achieve the same bliss that he craved. Steve cried as he tried to get himself intoxicated. His eyes were all puffed up, red and sore. His lips were swollen and his whole face was red. His nose was wet and was filled with mucus. So far, till this date, Steve had only once cried once when he was seven, when he first got beaten up in the alley. Steve didn’t cry when his ma passed on. He was prepared when his ma died, because he knew that someday he was going to lose her. She was having all these horrible complications and she was always telling Steve how much she loved him. But he never expected to lose Bucky this fast. Losing Bucky was the only thing that hurt him bad enough to make him cry, for the second time in his life. The Howling Commandos were sad to lose their sergeant but they knew that Steve was the one who bore the biggest brunt. They told Peggy where he was, assuring that he could use some company. They knew that if there was one person who could replace Barnes, it would be Margaret Carter. But it didn’t work. Because the moment she sat beside him, patting his shoulders and convinced him that they would avenge Bucky’s death, Steve only saw an image of Bucky. He could only see a part of Bucky that lived in her. Colonel Phillips put Steve on a three day break, asked Steve to go back to Brooklyn, and come back when he’s ready. Steve didn’t want to go but it was order. Dum Dum met Steve before he left. “He wanted you to have these.” He took out Bucky’s dog tags and pressed them into Steve’s palm. Steve’s eyes glistened with tears but he didn’t cry. He put on a good smile and said “Thank you.” ~ The first thing that Steve did when he got back to Brooklyn was to go back to their home. He opened the door with a set of keys that he had gotten from his personal belongings that were stashed in the Military Headquarters. Once he got into the house, the first thing he felt was some kind of emptiness, like the whole place was gloomy and had lost its shine. Sure, it wasn’t the best place to live but it was the home that he built with Bucky. It used to be filled with joy and happiness. He swore he could have heard Bucky laughing through the doorway, like he always did after messing up Steve's hair when he got home from work. Home sweet home. The whole place was quiet and the furniture were covered in dust. Steve had to clean up a few things and make the bed. Usually, Bucky used to help with the cleaning. And by help, it didn’t just mean lending a hand, but it actually meant Bucky doing everything because Steve had asthma and the dust could get Steve sick. Steve spruced the whole place. He knew how people talked that only a woman was supposed to do all the cleaning and that a man shouldn’t be doing any of it. But Steve was against the whole idea. He was more of an equality kind of guy, because he has been doing it all his life, helping out his ma, and so was Bucky. It wasn’t something foreign to them and it never will be. Steve sat on the tattered sofa when he was done. He smiled at first, thinking about how Bucky and he used to live their lives here, making jokes and calling each other names. But slowly, he couldn’t help himself from drowning in suffocating thoughts of his lover. At first he was just sad, but then he was angry. He shouted across the whole house like a mad man. He threw Bucky’s dog tags across the room in a fit of rage. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? YOU SAID TILL THE END OF THE LINE! YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE BUCK! And when nightfall came, he crawled up on the bed that they used to share and sleep on. He took one of Bucky’s old singlet from the spider webbed cupboard and pressed it against his body throughout the night. He clung to the cottony material and slept breathing in Bucky’s scent. ~ The next day he went to the church. It didn’t matter whether he believed in God or not. He just needed some peace with himself. He sat by one of the benches for hours, looking and observing everyone who came. He saw the crowd grow and disperse, smiled at everyone who looked at him. Only one person noticed the blonde’s presence. “You remind me of a young man who used to come here with his mother and his friend.” Steve smiled. “Was it Samuel? No, wait... Steven. Steven Rogers. And James Barnes. Those two were quite a pair. Couldn’t see one without the other. That James boy was a good pianist though. Sad thing he never showed up after a while. He wasn’t the praying kind, unlike his friend Steven,” said the pastor. Steve remembers Bucky playing the piano for the church when he was a kid. Bucky wasn’t an expert, but he was good enough for the local community. He stopped praying after hearing all those things on sin and hell when a man loved another man. And since he didn’t believe anymore, he felt that his presence wasn’t supposed to linger among those who did. Steve prayed, but he just didn’t go to church that often. “I wonder where those two boys are now. Anyway, sorry about lingering about the past. How can I help you, young man? You seem troubled. It’s okay, you can tell me.” Steve wasn’t sure if he should tell the pastor that he was Steve Rogers and that Bucky was the one that he lost. “I lost someone I loved.” “That must be hard. Did she passed on?” Steve nodded. He couldn’t correct the man. “I couldn’t save.” Steve stopped halfway. He could have used the word “her”, but that would mean he was lying. If he used the word “him”, that would be wrong. But Steve didn't care. The pastor wouldn't know that he was talking about his lover. "I lost a friend in the war." Steve said. “The best thing you can do is to find forgiveness within yourself. You have to learn to move on, because if you don’t it’ll eat you up. And always remember that God is always there for us.” ~ Steve tried to take the old man’s advice, but he failed. He didn’t move on. He swore for vengeance. ~ Steve dived the plane two weeks after Bucky’s death. Everyone thought that he did that because he wanted to make sure that the plane didn’t hit any city or hurt any civilians. Only the Howling Commandos knew the truth. They knew how Steve suffered the loss of his best friend, his lover. They knew that the real reason Steve that did that, was because he wanted to end his life, so that he could see Bucky again. Because if he truly wanted to live, he could have given the coordinates to Peggy and they would have found him in no time. He’d hate to keep Bucky waiting any longer than he's already waited. The Howling Commandos referred both the fallen men as heroes and as the best of their unit in the interviews, so that nothing would damage the personalities of their Commanding Officer and their Sergeant. The masses only knew about their friendship. They had no idea about their forbidden love. They didn’t tell Peggy either, because they preferred not to break her heart. For all she knew, Steve died loving her. Chapter End Notes This song can be used in both ways. One, when Steve and Bucky grew apart from each other. How they cut off everything that was between them and pretended that they were nothing. The things is, love hurts and it hurts even more when you have to pretend its not there. Bucky also referred to Steve as someone whom he used to know, meaning that he doesn't know or doesn't see how the old Steve and the new Steve could be the same person. Second, when Bucky died and Steve was left all alone. When Bucky fell into the ravine, he ended up becoming memories and somebody that Steve used to know, because Bucky wouldn't be there for him anymore. He had never imagined a life without Bucky and when reality hit him, he couldn't face it. I think the saddest part is that they didn't leave in good terms. Especially when Steve thought Bucky died hating him. If you left kudos or comments, thank you !!! ***** Chapter 24 ***** Chapter Summary Steve took Bucky to the New York State Park. They talked a little, simple talks that didn’t actually help diffuse the tension between them. Bucky brought bread crumbs, which was a token of advice from Stark, to feed the little ducklings or birds that came along. Steve just watched Bucky feeding the animals compassionately when they had nothing to talk. It was funny, Steve thought, they used to never run out of things to ramble about and they could go on and on for hours to days. Chapter Notes Beyonce - Halo x I'm going to apologise for two things. Firstly, for breaking some hearts in the last chapter. I know I was mean but I promise that things are gonna get better in the next few chapters. Second, some of you might have noticed that I actually posted this chapter earlier, but I was unsatisfied with it so I took it down. This is an updated version of it. Sorry for all the inconvenience caused. See the end of the chapter for more notes Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they're tumbling down, And they didn't even put up a fight, They didn't even make a sound. I found a way to let you in. But, I never really had a doubt, Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now. Avengers Tower Present Day Tony was the first guy he actually got close to. Bucky liked science a lot, he was top in class when it came to that subject. Hell, he used to get a string of pearly white A+’s and would proudly wear it around his neck. Science and technology was just easy flowing stuff for Bucky. He was already enchanted with all the technological enhancements that were equipped in the Avengers Tower. Natasha was looking out for him, just like how he did for her, back when she was in the Red Room, under his supervision. Little did Bucky know that he had protected her and covered for her mistakes, willing to take the blame and all the horrendous punishments so that Natasha wouldn’t have to endure them. And Natasha, who never forgets, made sure to always watch his back now. He bonded with Wade and Clint, probably because Bucky realized they were quite similar in the department of disabilities. Clint had to put on his hearing aids to actually hear what the rest were talking. Wade was literally what you’d call a freak. His cells were always dying and multiplying at the same time, not unlike Bucky in some ways, but the only thing that differentiated them was that Wade’s healing ability was a messy sight. And Bucky, well, he felt that he fitted right in with them because he practically didn’t have an arm, right? He tried his very best to get accustomed to the metal arm, but it was always too heavy and made him sway a little bit to the left when he was walking. Sometimes it would get too cold and he didn’t like it. Other than that, it felt like his old arm, sometimes even stronger because he could carry really heavy stuff; that Steve has to use both his hands while he only had to use his left one. He could also rip things easily and it was almost effortless. He broke many things, but he just hid them in plain sight. Bucky liked Pietro, because he was always hanging out with Clint and he had a good sense of humor. Wanda wasn’t so close with him, and the Vision guy was too innocent. Strange was always quiet and minding his own job, meditating most of the times. Bucky felt that the wizard was always serene and Bucky wondered how he managed to control everything. He would love to learn how to calm himself down and remain happy from Strange. Banner was still constantly checking on him, telling him that he was making really good progress. The spider kid was Barnes’ biggest fan, after being Steve's biggest fan of course. Peter was always idolising Steve and Bucky, that Bucky thought that the young boy had an unhealthy obsession with his blonde lover. But could Bucky actually call Steve his lover? Because he and Steve didn’t actually leave on good terms and the only reason they hanging onto each other now is because Bucky is broken and Steve is trying his best to fix him. Steve would never let him go and Bucky knows that. He also knows that Steve is hiding a lot of things from him, like Bucky’s own past; the things that he has been doing for the last seventy years. He would have asked Steve about it over and over until Steve spilled the beans, but he thought that Steve would tell him eventually when the blonde was comfortable and ready. “So this is the future, huh?” “Yeap.” Tony answered. Both Bucky and Tony had been sitting adjacently to each other since they seated themselves on the sofa. “There’s only one thing that I’m dissatisfied with this future. Howard promised that flying cars would be in the market within two years. It’s already 73 years. ” “And that same bastard told me that Hydra wasn’t gonna attack me with pockets knives. Clearly he was wrong about that too.” Steve added. Bucky didn’t understand what Steve had said, but he could see that Tony and Steve had smiles plastered on their faces. Steve interrupted both the brunettes by walking in into the lounge that they were seated in. Bucky pulled a small cushion off the seat next to him. And Steve understood that Bucky would want Steve to sit next to him. Steve sat on the soft sofa, his hands were some sort of pivot that helped him onto the seat carefully. Bucky moved a bit to the side, to give Steve more space to sit comfortably. His once openly spread legs were now close each other. “Well, predicting the future wasn’t really his forte.” Tony laughed in accordance. He was beginning to like Bucky. He couldn’t actually believe that Steve and Bucky could actually become friends, both whom were of different characters and personality. He didn’t know that behind ex-Hydra assassin part, there was an inner geek in Bucky. Maybe because Bucky had always portrayed himself as a man who was so full of himself as the chicks would flock all over him. And not to mention that he was a bit smarter than the rest. You could say that he was like Tony in so many ways, minus the billionaire part. "Well, colour tv is good. And I like the internet. What else, eh? Hmm..” “So, Bucky, since it has been a week since you joined us and this is officially the eighth day that you are in the future, what are you planning to do?” “I don’t know. Any ideas, Steve?” Steve took out a small notebook from one of the pockets of his sweatpants. He wet his index finger of the right hand and used it to flip through the pages. He also scanned word by word to actually get an idea. “Why don’t the both of us go for a stroll in the park?” ~ Steve took Bucky to the New York State Park. They talked a little, simple talks that didn’t actually help diffuse the tension between them. Bucky brought bread crumbs, which was a token of advice from Stark, to feed the little ducklings or birds that came along. Steve just watched Bucky feeding the animals compassionately when they had nothing to talk. It was funny, Steve thought, they used to never run out of things to ramble about, they could talk on and on, for hours to days. But now, things are a bit different. They're gonna have to take this slow if they want to rebuild their relationship. And when Bucky turned to him, Steve looked away sheepishly. “You were looking at me, weren’t you, punk?” “What? No!” “Yes you did. I saw you.” “No you didn’t. You were concentrating at them.” Steve pointed to the yellow ducklings and grey birds that were pecking at the bread crumbs that were scattered below, around the bench that they were seated on. “But that means you were looking at me.” “I..Um..” “Steve, you’re blushin’” “Shut it, Barnes.” “Even after all these years?” Bucky chuckled. “If you want me to play along with your Harry Potter quotes, the answer is no, Bucky.” “Oh come on Steve. They were good. Rowling's amazin'. Can’t wait to finish the second book, but I have this feeling that a part of the Dark Lord lives in…” “Okay, enough Bucky. I just can’t believe you ditched me last night so that you and Tony could have a Harry Potter movie marathon" “Not my fault you don’t have good taste.” “Yeap, and not to forget that me falling in love with you is also associated with my taste.” “Touché.” Both Bucky and Steve were laughing between themselves when a little girl and her mother walked along. “Mommy, mommy, look at him. He’s got shiny fingers.” The petite blonde girl who had shoulder length hair tugged her mother’s coat. She only saw Bucky’s fingers as the rest of his hand was hidden under the long grey sleeve of his sweater. “Why do you have metal fingers?” She asked. Bucky didn’t answer. He remembers undergoing the surgery that Zola performed on him, to replace his damned left arm. But he doesn’t remember what the metal arm was used for, not even a single thing that he has done with it, other than normal things that he's been using it for, now. Steve looked at the little girl with a gentle face and soft smile. “My friend here lost his arm in the war, so he’s got a metal arm now.” The mother of the child looked apologetic. “I’m so sorry. I- we didn’t know. Now, now, Katie. It’s not nice to stare. Say that you’re sorry.” “I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” Bucky answered. He knew it was not the girl’s fault. She was just a small child and she was curious. “Do you want to see my arm? It’s pretty cool.” The girl looked at her mother for approval and when he mother nodded she said that she wanted to see it. Her smile showed her baby teeth and the holes in between some of them, marking the spot for new teeth. Bucky rolled up his sleeve, until his shoulder. The little girl walked towards him and ran her fingers along the metallic surface. Bucky felt her every single touch. She was gentle. And when she knocked on the arm, they all could hear the sound of metal clanking. Bucky moved his fingers and his arm, showing to her how flexible his hand was. “Why is there a red star on your arm? Do you like stars? I love stars! I want to reach the stars when I grow up. I want to become an astronaut!” The little girl beamed. Steve smiled and when Bucky saw Steve doing so, he followed the blonde’s action. Bucky knew why the red star on his hand, as a symbol of Zola's and his men’s belief. He hated how it was on his arm, always staining a part of him to be a reminder to the brunette. He frowned when the mother and her child left. He kept quiet. Steve noticed how Bucky’s reaction changed. He placed his hands on Bucky’s metal arm softly. “Hey.” Bucky startled a bit. He then took his hand away and turned his head to his left. “Bucky?” “What were you trying to do, Steve? We could get caught, you know. There’s tonnes of people all around us.” His voice was so soft that it was almost undetected by Steve. “It’s okay now, Bucky. People are okay with it.” “We won’t get arrested?” “Buck, two guys can even get married now. And girls, too. It’s the future. We don’t have to hide anymore.” Steve wasn’t sure if Bucky truly understood Steve’s words. Because all the while the both of them have been following the society’s norm of hiding their biggest sin behind masks. Steve understood if Bucky needed time to digest the fact. And he’ll give him the time that he needs. ~ Steve woke up the next morning upon hearing some weird screeching and scraping noises. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sun shone directly into his eyes. He twisted and turned, tossed all over his bed, finding the perfect spot, hidden away from the sun’s burning rays and hiding his head under the pillow. He noticed that Bucky wasn’t beside him. Even if Bucky doesn’t cuddle up much with Steve for the past few days, he and the brunette still slept on the same bed. It was just Steve’s way to make sure that Bucky was doing alright. Steve turned his head to the direction of the horrendous noise, slowly opening his heavy eyes only to notice a figure sitting on his table. “What the hell..Bucky? What are you doin’?” Bucky looked back at Steve with innocent eyes. “It won’t come off, Steve.” Steve tried to sit on the bed, re-positioning himself so that he can actually get a better look at Bucky. He saw Bucky using some sort of penknife to scrape off the mark of the red star on his left arm. He saw a small piece of broken glass right beside where Bucky was seated. Bucky’s flesh arm was red and the fingernails on that hand look like they have been put through a rough time by scraping out something. “It ain’t comin’ out, Steve. I tried with my hands, the glass and even with this knife. Not even a scratch. I h-hate this. I w-want this out.” Bucky looked at the red, five pointed star on his arm. His hands were shaking and the penknife vibrated non-stop. Steve sat up and immediately rushed to Bucky’s side, took away the knife from his right hand. He pushed away the piece of broken glass far from the both of them. “Hey, look at me. I’ll fix this okay.” “It won’t come off. How are you going to..” “I’ll think of somethin’, Buck. I promise, okay? But before we can even do anythin’, I need you to calm down, Buck.” Steve placed his hand over Bucky’s shoulders and then slowly patted him along his back. ~ He asked Natasha to keep an eye on Bucky while he went out to get some things from the local craft store. Steve bought paints of three colors. Blue, red and white. “I thought about it, Buck. Maybe if we can’t take it off, we can paint on it, to cover it up. Something you like, so that every time you look at it, you feel happy.” Steve remembers waiting for Bucky to think about it. He remembers Bucky having a glimpse of hope in his eyes. “Can you paint your shield over it? Because I’m happy when I’m with you, and your shield reminds me of you.” Steve had to get permanent paint that was not only waterproof but practically ones that would last for a lifetime once applied. He doesn't want the star to resurface after awhile. He had to go through store by store and when he finally found the right ones, he immediately bought them using whatever money he brought with him. He gave the colours that he had bought to Tony, asking him to use some sort of emulsion so that it would last permanently. He didn't want to take any chances. ~ “Are you sure that this is gonna work, punk?” “Trust me.” “Trust you? A pretty face like yours should never be trusted.” “If you don’t shut up, I’ll actually paint this over your face and then you’ll have to live with a stripped face for eternity." Steve moved his brush gently and swiftly. He applied a few layers of undercoat before actually painting on Bucky’s arm. Steve made sure the circles of the hand drawn shield was perfect and blemish free. The three bright colors were painted so smoothly, that you couldn't tell that it was actually hand painted. “Whatcha think, Buck?” Bucky looked at the arm directly and then proceeded to get a good view from the mirror. He twisted and turned his arm, as if he was an inspector trying to get a good view of a clue. “I think it’s amazing, Stevie.” Chapter End Notes This song just reminds me of a fresh start and I think it fits the both of them. After what has happened between them, I think this is a fresh start that they both deserve. Just like the lyrics, Steve is Bucky's saving grace, his guardian angel who's trying to fix Bucky back again slowly. Now in the future, Bucky can actually break down all those walls he built back in the war. And maybe, he can let Steve back in, giving the both of the a chance to start all over again and perhaps, fall in love without any obstacles anymore. Also, thanks for kudos and comments. You guys are the best! Find me on stuckyisbae.tumblr.com and we can be friends! Spoiler alert - Tony is gonna play matchmaker next XD. ***** Chapter 25 ***** Chapter Summary Clint and Pepper saw everything from under Steve’s bed and just kept quiet. How long have Steve and Bucky been hiding like this? How long are they still going to hide? Even if Steve was too dumb to say it, that was always in his heart. So it wasn’t exactly wrong when Tony and Pepper decided to do it on his behalf right? Chapter Notes I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Also I'm a sucker for songs by Coldplay. Maybe because the lyrics always somehow fit Bucky and Steve. Song for this chapter is In my place by Coldplay. x See the end of the chapter for more notes I was scared, I was scared Tired and under prepared But I wait for it If you go, if you go Leave me down here on my own Then I'll wait for you (yeah) Yeah how long must you wait for it? Yeah how long must you pay for it? Yeah how long must you wait for it? Present Day Tony’s security room, Avengers Tower Tony’s been watching them. Hours, days, weeks. He sits on the comfy armchair surrounded by 10 computer screens and a cup of espresso in his hand. Tony’s seen a lot of things now. He knows that Steve is the one who actually bakes in Tony’s extravagant kitchen and Bucky is the one who eats the cookie dough when Steve is not watching. He knows that Bucky likes the chocolate chip one the most because he finishes it up it no time. Steve would have to hide the bowl or keep a close eye onto it so that Bucky didn’t steal the mixture in it. Steve was taller and he usually tried to place the bowls on higher places on cupboards so that Bucky could not reach them. Bucky tips his toes and tries to get it but often ends up dropping the bowl and spilling all its contents over his head or on the floor. Tony would just laugh from his seat watching those two. But most of the times, Bucky is the one who whips up some kind of meal for the both of them. Bucky likes how Tony keeps his kitchen stocked even if he never actually stepped into the place other than to grab a cup of coffee. Usually when no one is around them, Steve would place his hands around Bucky’s hip and then move them up to his waist. Steve would then lower his mouth and place it gently against Bucky’s neck. His hot breath would run against Bucky’s nape. Bucky would shudder a little bit but then he’ll lean against Steve softly, letting his skin touch Steve’s mouth, letting Steve kiss his neck over and over again until he’s familiar with the feeling of having Steve so close to him. Tony’s noticed that now. Tony’s pupils would be dilated and he would more often than not focus on the both lovers. Who would have thought that Tony liked watching these two idiots being in love. It was probably due to the fact that Captain America was usually too quiet about his love life. But now, he just lets it all out and shows that does actually love something other than his country. Just kiss already, you two idiots. And if anyone just walks in, Steve would move away, pretend like nothing had happened between them, just like how he’s promised Bucky. Tony knows that Steve would want to tell everyone now that he loved Bucky, but he only kept quiet to honour his promise to the brunette. Dammit Pietro! Don’t you have a better time to come and get a glass of water. Ugh. You’ve ruined the perfect moment. Now, I can’t see them kiss. Great job, Pietro. Steve just sat on the chair and watched Bucky from afar after that. ~ Tony? Tony? Oh, God! Where the hell is he?” Pepper. Dammit. Crap. Tony heard footsteps that got louder as it reached closer to Tony’s room. He tried to shut down everything, switching off all the screens. His legs that were once on the table were hastily taken down, accidently kicking the espresso from his hands and causing it to spill on the table and the floor. Shit. Fuck. The door knob twisted and the woman walked in. She switched on the lights and it accented the white dress that she was wearing. “Tony! I’ve been looking everywhere for y.... Oh my God, is that coffee?” “Um, yeah. Why are you here? Is anything the matter?” “No, I just came to ask you to sign.. Wait a minute. You’re hiding something from me.” “No, I’m not.” Tony’s fingers fidgeted against the paper cup. He scratched his head and Pepper instantly recognised the tell tale sign of the billionaire lying. “Okay, Tony. What’s up?” “It’s nothing, I swear.” “Yeah right.” She moved towards the screens and switched on the one that was in the centre. She saw Bucky standing near the sink and Steve seated on one of the chairs. “It’s not what it looks like.” Tony tries to defend himself. “Are you spying on Steve? And Bucky?” “I can explain?” Tony’s sentence was more of a rhetorical question than a statement. “How long?” “Since that day. The truth and dare.” ~ It was three weeks ago when the incident happened. The infamous Avengers’ truth and dare. Strange didn’t pitch in, he thought that the idea was childish. Wanda and Vision went out together that time, they wouldn’t call it as an official date but just a stroll in the park at night. Bruce didn’t want to join the rest of them but Tony pestered him long and good enough that the doctor finally gave in. Certainly it seemed like a terrible idea at that moment. The world’s most notorious superheroes all in a room asking truth and dares towards each other. You could have only imagined the questions and requests that came flooding in. It was hard to determine the turns, so they just put one of Wade’s old empty beer bottle in the centre of the circle of avengers. It could have been a classic game of spin the bottle, but then the name “Truth or Dare” was really tempting. Besides, it’ll be a bit more fair using the bottle, making sure everyone gets trolled at least once. Natasha turned the bottle to begin the game, Sam was the first one to be victim. He chose dare. Clearly it was a bad idea. Natasha dared him to pour water over his body and remain in his wet clothes until the game was over. Wilson complied. He thought it was simple. But he changed his mind when he actually did the dare. He started to shiver after a few turns. Next to fall victim was Clint. Obviously, being the daredevil he was, he chose dare. Sam asked him to put sit there only in his underwear. Wasn’t too bad, right? “Pietro, if you fucking don’t stop staring at my amazing body, I’ll have to gorge your eyes out.” Clint turned the bottle, Tony’s turn. “Truth or dare, Stark?” “Dare, obviously.” Clint whispered something into Pepper’s ears. She started giggling. She then woke up and walked away. “Come on, tell me dare already.” “You’ll see.” Pepper came back with a red thong in her hand. She was grinning at Tony. “You’re not gonna ask me to take off my clothes and wear that right?” “Nope. But you’re still wearing it. On your head.” “Seriously?” “You’re not backing out are you, Stark?” Tony’s face turned red. “Hell no!” Tony put on the red lacy thong over his head, his black hair poking out from the empty space. “Happy now?” “Yeap. Red looks good on you Stark.” “Shut up.” It was Steve who fell victim to Stark, next. “Alright, cap. Truth or dare” “Truth. I’ve got nothing to hide and I always am honest.” Bad idea, Steve. Tony smirked mischievously. He had questions, tonnes of them to ask the star spangled man with a plan. One of them was about his past. He knew that Steve and Bucky were in love, but did that mean they had sex? And if they did.. “Are you a virgin?” “What?” “You heard me. Is the righteous Captain America a virgin?” Steve gave a good stare at Tony. You know the goddamn answer Stark. Everyone else looked at Steve, awaiting his response. Of course it was a stupid question, hell, the rest of the avengers thought it was an obvious question. Steve was surely a virgin they thought. He’s so quiet and innocent. He can’t possibly have actually done anything. Either way, the question would just backfire Steve. If he was honest, then they’d all know he isn’t as innocent as he seemed to be. If he said he was a virgin, it would mean he’s ninety and he has never had sex. Also, that would be a lie. Steve wasn’t going to lie. “Oh come on, Tony. Ask a different question. It’s obvious that he’s still a..” “No.” Steve interrupted Clint. “What?” Natasha asked. She couldn’t believe it. At least not when Steve was a terrible kisser or when he was easily flustered around ladies. Everyone was silent, they looked at each other and then back at Steve who’s cheeks were all dolled up in red. His head was hung low and Bucky who was seated next to him was laughing his heart out. “You guys didn’t expect Stevie here to be all innocent, did you?” Bucky aimed the question at the crowd while looking at Steve who’s face was wholly red now. You’re making this worse, Buck. “Oh, shut up Buck. Can we move on now, Tony?” “Yeah sure.” Tony answered with a shit eating grin on his face. Steve pushed the bottle and it was Bruce’s turn. ~ Two hours later and almost everyone was already victim to this game. Everyone’s already got at least two turns. On the dare side, Wade had already drank copious amount of toilet water from his last turn and Tony’s face had enough make up to look as ridiculous as a clown, courtesy of Rhodey’s horrible make up applying skill. His lips were coated in dark red lipstick and he was given some mascara, as if his eyelashes weren’t long enough. ‘Smoky blue’ eye shadow and some nice shade of light blush was applied to his cheeks. The final touch was a blonde shoulder length wig that belonged to Natasha. Sam wasn’t dared to the extreme; the rest of the team knew not to mess with Natasha’s sweetheart. Bruce’s head had shampoo for nearly one and a half hour now. He resisted the urge of scratching his scalp violently. Pietro’s fingernails and toenails were painted with the brightest shade of pink that Pepper had with her and was told to wear it on for a whole week. Clint had to shave his hair in random zig zags. Not amusing Clint thought. Peter was forced to pick his nose and eat his booger. If that wasn’t bad enough, Wade also dared him to lick his toes. Gross. Steve was wise enough to pick dares, he knows far too well that the next questions on truth that would be aimed at him would circle around his sexual activities. And those were a total nay for him. He hadn’t mind drinking a weird concoction that Tony and Clint prepared for his dare. It tasted like shit, but he thought it was way better than any other questions. Secrets were out too. Wade has probably slept with at least 50 people, not including the times when he was unconscious. Tony’s got a school girl kink and has imagined Rhodey wearing short skirts back when they were teenagers. Short cheerleader skirts to be precise. (This was where Rhodey was dared by Pepper to wear a short pleated skirt and to sit on Tony’s lap came from. Tony had a hard time keeping his face straight though.) Everyone also found out about the incident that actually happened in Budapest and promised not to mention a single word about it anymore. The weirdest thing that happened to Sam was this one time when he saw Natasha trying to cook but she ended up dropping flour all over the place. Her whole face was covered in white powder and Sam was the one who helped with the cleaning. And when Sam was done with the story, Natasha looked right into him, as if he was not supposed to mention the incident. He was going to be in big trouble for the night. Pietro admitted that he had a huge crush on Clint, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. Clint wasn’t entirely shocked but the both of them agreed on actually spending some time together and see how things progress from there. Bruce had a question of who he would kiss, marry and push off a cliff. His answer was that he’d kiss Tony because their relationship would somehow remain platonic at the end of the day, marry Science because he loves Science and push Wade off a cliff because he would still survive after hitting his head on rocks. It was already late and everybody wanted to end the game. That was until Wade pointed out something. “It’s not fair. Barnes here didn’t even get one turn.” Lucky bastard. “Ain’t my fault that Lady Luck shone on me today.” Everyone looked at each other, they hadn’t noticed it actually. And now that it’s come to surface, it simply won’t do to let it be. “Bucky.” “Bucky.” ”Bucky.” “Bucky.” “Bucky.” His name was chanted repeatedly by everyone. Steve was giggling and Bucky just rolled his eyes. “Fine.” “Truth or dare.” Wade asked. “Dare.” “I DARE YOU TO KISS STEVE FOR TWO WHOLE MINUTES!” Wade shouted. Bucky didn’t answer, his looks were of a mixture of being puzzled and embarrassed. “Scared, Barnes? You’re not afraid of kissing your best friend, are ya?” Steve knew that Bucky was still getting used to the future. The last thing that Steve wants is to make things between the both of them to be worse than it already is. “Wade, come on, isn’t this a little too…mmphh..ummppffh.” Steve’s eyes were wide open when he felt something warm on his lips. He could feel Bucky actually holding his head and giving him a proper kiss after an astonishing gap of 73 years. “Start the timer!” The crowd started cheering the moment they saw Bucky doing the dare. What they didn’t expect was Steve to actually play along. Steve closed his eyes and moved his hands along Bucky’s neck. His fingers slowly crept up until they reached his soft tousled hair. Bucky kept on biting Steve’s lower lip while Steve tried to make their tongues meet. The blonde started tugging Bucky’s collar, pulling him closer for a deeper kiss. Bucky was a bit shocked by Steve’s bold movements but that didn’t make Bucky stop kissing him. Bucky actually moved his hands all over Steve’s face, cupping his flushed cheeks. Steve didn’t want to let go and neither did Bucky. “This is not the Steve Rogers I know.” Natasha said. Everyone else just clapped and cheered on until three whole minutes passed. Tony asked Jarvis to record the whole kiss while Sam took out his smartphone and took several shots. “Alright, alright. Enough you two. I said two minutes, not two hours.” Wade reassured. Bucky and Steve eventually stopped kissing. The brunette then licked his lips and whispered something into Steve’s ears. Steve smiled and tried to cover his mouth with his right hand. Bucky giggled like a school girl and then rubbed the bottom of his nose. ~ For everyone else, the kiss was just a part of a dare, nothing more. But Tony knew that Steve and Bucky were actually lovers and he couldn’t just turn a blind eye of watching these two hide all their lovey dovey emotions, how they act all manly and macho in front of others while they turn all squishy like jello when they’re with each other. Tony just can’t waste such an opportunity of watching Steve’s alter ego being a sappy romantic who loves another man. “So what have you got so far?” “Wait, you’re not mad at me?” Tony asked Pepper. “Nope. I knew that something fishy was going on with those two the very moment Steve tried to risk everything for him.” “And you didn’t tell me?” “I thought I was just imagining things. It’s Steve Rogers we’re talking about, remember? “ “Good point. But you should have heard his voice though, when he was talking about his relationship with Bucky. He was desperate to save him.” “He told you?” “Ummmm… I asked him. It was just a spur of the moment thing, back in Asgard.” “Anthony Stark! How dare you not tell me!” “He just seemed so broken and flawed, and I couldn’t.. I even thought of ideas on making these two fall in love again.Wait, why am I having all these emotions for him. It’s not like I care about him or his stupid boyfriend.” “Because you’re a nicer person than you take credit for. Now, tell me your plans and we’ll work them out right. I want to see Captain America in some action.” ~ The first thing that Pepper and Tony agreed upon was to lock up both Steve and Bucky in the elevator for a few hours. Small space and close proximity will surely get these two snogging in no time. Pepper was in charge of getting them two in the elevator. She brought the both of them to the elevator, saying that Tony has something that he wants to show the both of them. The minute they both stepped into the elevator, the door was shut. The elevator brought them down a few floors but then it came to a haul. That was the sign that Tony had just requested JARVIS to stop all the function of Elevator C. Pepper started giggling and took the stairs down to catch up with Tony. She took a seat next to Tony, her leg pushing over Tony’s and claiming the desk as her space. Tony focused the camera in the elevators and locked its position on the organic beings in the elevator. “Did you get the popcorn?” “Stock’s all full, Pepp.” It was only when the elevator was at a stagnant position for a few minutes that Steve and Bucky actually realise that something is wrong. “Something’s wrong, Buck. I think we’re stuck.” “ I think it’s cute how Steve calls James as Buck. It’s like a nickname for Bucky, which itself is already a nickname. Like a nickname for a nickname.” “Pepper, if you don’t keep quiet, I’m gonna have to glue your mouth.” “What a bossy attitude, Stark. You just wait when all of this is over.” “Yeah, yeah. Can we focus on the main thing here?” “You think I’ve not noticed that by now, Captain Obvious? ” “Look, there’s a small camera by the side, maybe we can try to communicate with JARVIS and get him to load the back up electrical supply for this unit.” Steve tried waving to the closed circuit camera but there was no reaction. Only a red LED was blinking on the camera, proving that it was still functioning. Bucky just shook his head. Steve was still as dumb as he remembered him to be. “Thank God, at least you’re pretty.” “Hey!” Bucky tried opening the elevator door with his left hand, he succeeded but the result was fruitless. Not only the door was crumpled, but when the space between the door was visible, Bucky only saw concrete walls. He tried to think of another plan. He hated being in tiny areas. One, because it made him sweat terribly, second, he just doesn’t understand why he gets this weird feeling that something bad is going to happen. “Can you lift me up?” “What? Why?” “I think I can get a way out from here.” Steve squatted down and helped Bucky to get onto his shoulder. When Bucky was stable Steve rose up. Bucky was able to reach the ceiling. He pushed the white and gold embossed plate to reveal thick cables and a dark atmosphere. “This is not what I wanted. He wasn’t supposed to find a way out. He was supposed to kiss Steve.” Tony said in disappointment. “This should spice things up a little,” said Pepper as she ordered JARVIS to channel electricity to that specific elevator. The elevator began moving downwards and it caused Steve to lose his stability. Both of them fell, Bucky was on top of Steve. Bucky tried to get up as fast as he could. Pepper then requested that the electric supply to be completely cut off, so that we're no lights, and that even the emergency lights were to be shut down. “Great!” Bucky said sarcastically. “We are gonna be stuck here forever.” “At least we still have each other.” “Can you stop being so optimistic?” “Can you stop complaining?” “Don’t you have any ideas to get us out of here?” “Oh wait, I can call Tony.” Why didn’t Steve think of it earlier, Bucky thought as he slapped his own head. Steve tried to contact Tony. Tony’s mobile phone rang, he fumbled with it before answering it. “What should I tell him?” “That you’re fixing it.” “Okay, okay. Here goes nothing.” “Hey Tony, Bucky and I are stuck in one of your elevators. Can you help us out?” “I’m on it. It’ll be fixed around, say… um..” Pepper pointed out two fingers to Tony. “Two hours? Can you guys hang on?” “Two hours? Okay, we’ll hang on.” Tony immediately switched off his phone and started laughing. “He believed it.” “He said he’s on it.” “So what now?’ “I don’t know.” The next two hours were filled with empty chatters and questions. Nothing interesting took place. The whole plan, according to Tony was a complete flop. These two idiots had the best time to actually have some quality time together, but they ended up talking about times from their childhood, how Bucky stole food and Steve insisted on returning them, how Steve picked a fight with everything that moved and Bucky being the only thing that stopped him from getting badly injured. Pepper felt that it wasn’t a complete fail, cause Bucky and Steve actually had a good conversation and that they were laughing. Pepper liked seeing those two actually getting closer again. Tony eventually let them off the hook this time. ~ Two days had passed and Tony was ready to execute his second mission. “You sure this will work, Wanda?” “You want something to increase sexual activity, am I right?” “Yes.” “Then just add a drop of this solution into some plain water. The rest will work on its own. You planning to use this on yourself right?” “Why?” “Not sure how it will react. Besides, this is the first time that someone’s actually asked me for something like this. You’re not playing a sick joke on someone, are you?” “No. NO. Anyway, thanks Wanda.” Tony grabbed the small chamber containing the magical, pink coloured elixir. Tony made sure no one was around when he actually tried to hex Steve’s drink. He did as he was told, only dropping one globule of the mystic elixir into Steve’s drink. A small pop and a burst of pink mist surfaced from the drink. Steve didn’t have any suspicions, and he finished the whole glass of water after hus dinner. Tony just watched Steve, smiled, knowing that Steve’s gonna have a splendid night soon. Let the magic begin. Steve couldn’t sleep that night. At first, everything seemed pretty normal. Getting into bed and lying beside Bucky. He knew something was wrong when he accidentally placed his hand over Bucky’s bare abdomen and started moving his fingers sensually. It was like he had no self control over his actions. Steve tossed and turned away, trying to prevent Bucky from waking up by his touches. Things got worse when Steve felt something tingly between his legs. He had a aching boner and he really needed some sort of relieve. He woke up abruptly, almost tugging the sheets with him. He nearly fell but he managed to keep himself on both of his feet. He rushed into the bathroom and took off whatever clothing that separated his hand and his cock. The rest was history. Bucky eventually woke up, upon noticing the usual warmth beside him was missing. He could hear muffled sounds from the bathroom. Tony’s hidden cameras in the room were doing a good job on catching Bucky’s worried expression. But he was decent enough not to spy on Steve while he was jacking off in the bathroom. Sure, it would have been great watching an attractive man in such a vulnerable state, but then again, it would have been like watching his own dad. (Mind the age though.) “Hey Steve, you okay, pal?” Bucky’s voice was already an excellent aphrodisiac for Steve. Steve’s voice was almost cracking from the pressure his dick was facing. “I’m f-fine, go back to s-sleep, Buck.” Liar. Bucky didn’t argue. He just went back to bed and waited for Steve. Steve’s face was covered in sweat when he came out from the bathroom. He tried to go back to bed and sleep close to Bucky after jacking off, but things were far from over. Everytime he moved closer to the brunette, Steve would start feeling weird, and by weird, it meant that he was extremely aroused. Tony laughed at how Steve was trying to get some sleep. Steve couldn’t risk making things between them more awkward that it already was. “Hey, Bucky. I’m gonna sleep on the couch. If you need anything, you can find me in Stark’s living room.” “Umm..,” Bucky answered. His eyes were firmly shut and it would have been a miracle if he actually understood a single word that Steve said. Steve could actually close his eyes when he laid his body on the couch. Tony decided that he'd pay Steve a visit, see how he’s doing and all. Maybe talk some sense into him and help him into some action for the night. “What’s wrong, Steve? Why aren’t you in bed?” “Uncomfortable. I kept on getting hard.” Steve didn’t filter his words, and when he noticed what he had said, he had this huge expression of regret on his face. “I didn’t mean to tell you .. um..” “Why don’t you ask Bucky to help you out?’ “He’s. Sleeping. Don’t want to. Disturb.” The mention of Bucky itself was getting him all worked up again. Steve fidgeted. It was also that exact moment that Tony realised that he was talking to a selfless Neanderthal who was willing to go abstinence so that he wouldn’t have to wake up his lover. A complete idiot. ~ Plan C included a lot of flowers and a romantic card. Tony had asked one of his workers to get the biggest and freshest bouquet of roses that he could find all over Manhattan. Red. The card that Pepper picked out the day before was simple and engraved with the words, I love you in beautiful and elegant curls. All they had to do now was to place the bouquet of flowers and the card on their bed, make it look like Steve was the one who bought it for Bucky and wait for him to find them. Surely Bucky would love them. Pepper got out early after breakfast, sneaking into Steve and Bucky’s room to place everything in their rightful places, the card under the beautifully wrapped bouquet and the bouquet on the bed. She heard footsteps from afar, thinking it was either Steve or Bucky, she quickly walked out of their rooms. It was only Clint. “Pepper, were you snooping around in Steve’s room?” “Um.. no. I was just…” Clint took the magnetic card that was held in Pepper's hand used to open the room door and walked into Steve's room. “Are you trying to matchmake those two? Clint caught on easily, he was practically one of the sharpest tool in the shed. Pepper just looked at the ground. “Hold on, I think we need a vase.” Pepper didn’t expect Clint to actually join their plan. The archer came back with a beautiful translucent vase, shaped like a graceful swan. “We’ll keep this here, so that the flowers will actually be a constant reminder,” said Clint as he placed the vase on the small mahogany table that was beside the bed. “That should do it.” “Miss Potts, Mr. Stark asked me to inform that both Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers are on their way to their room.” “It’s show time.” Pepper and Clint hid under the bed, so that no one will notice them, also because they wanted to hear the live conversation. Bucky and Steve did walk into the room. At first it was all quiet. Until Barnes' saw the bouquet that is. “What the hell…” Bucky exclaimed. “Did you buy this?” “No. I swear I didn’t.” “Huh. Funny. I don’t think anyone else sends me flowers, Steve.” “I didn’t. I have no idea where it came from.” “Really Steve? Gifts? I’m a soldier, not some maiden who fancies gifts, punk.” “This is rich coming from the dude that actually spent his every dime getting things on my birthday.” “That was different.” “Yeah, so I looked like a dame and I should be treated like one. But if it’s the other way around it’s all wrong?” “That’s not what I meant. I just..” “Just for your information, I actually didn’t get those. So you might want to reconsider your words, Bucky.” Steve just had a scorn on his face. Pepper and Clint who heard everything, exchanged looks. Plan gone wrong. When Steve walked out, Bucky just sat on the bed and gave out a huge sigh. He started talking to himself. “I screwed up, didn’t I?” Bucky then took the roses and inhaled the strong fragrance. He gave out a weak smile when he noticed the vase. Perfect. Bucky added some water from the bathroom sink and filled up half of the vase. He then opened the plastic wrapper from the roses and placed the flowers carefully into the vase, arranging the flowers nicely, so that it would look nice. He then took the vase and then placed on the table, that was next to his side of the bed. It was when he was about to leave the room to make peace with Steve that he noticed the card on the bed. I love you. “I love you too, punk.” Bucky took the card and kept it in his side of the cupboard. He touched his lips with his flesh, index and middle fingers and placed the fingers on the card, as if he was trying to pass the kiss it in a subtle manner. Bucky then walked out, pretended like nothing had happened. Clint and Pepper who saw everything from under Steve’s bed just kept quiet. How long have Steve and Bucky been like this? How did they even love each other when being homosexual was the biggest sin back then? How long are they still going to hide? Despite feeling slightly guilty of what just happened, Pepper thought to herself. "Even if Steve was too dumb to say it, loving Bucky was always in his heart. So it isn't exactly wrong when Tony and I decided to do it on his behalf, is it." ~ Chapter End Notes Steve is a total idiot. That's it. He's a total idiot who keeps on waiting for Bucky. He wants Bucky to return to him and he really doesn't mind waiting. But clearly Tony doesn't see it though, because to him it looks like Steve is not doing anything. ***** Chapter 26 ***** Chapter Summary “Umm.. Nothing. “ Tony stuttered. Just remember to use protection okay?” Tony slid something into the inner pocket of Steve’s jacket. Steve took it out, tried to have a good look at it. It was a tin foil, with something circular in the centre. “Protection?” “Just go get ‘em, Tiger.” Tony said as he ushered Steve out of the door. Chapter Notes Millionaires by The Script.They're an amazing band and they make great songs. Special shoutout to them for doing a great job so far. x See the end of the chapter for more notes They're kicking us out sayin' it's time to close We're leaning on each other tryin' to beat the cold I carry your shoes and I gave you my coat, yeah We're walkin' these streets like they're paved with gold Any old excuses not to go, neither one of us wanna take that taxi home. We were singin' our hearts out, standin' on chairs Spendin' our time like we were millionaires Laughin' our heads off, the two of us there Spendin' our time like we were millionaires, millionaires Avengers Tower Present Day Tony was about to give up. Everything that he did to get both Bucky and Steve into some hot action always turned out the wrong way. Like that time where he placed all kinds of gay magazines over Steve’s working desk to get Bucky’s attention. All he got in return was Bucky actually arranging the magazines nicely and asking Steve to keep his stash of porn properly, after ogling around the pictures of hot and under-dressed men that is. Not to forget the time where Tony and Clint copied really cheesy poems from the internet and addressed them to Steve. The captain, of course, blushed when he read them, but at the end of the day , he advised Bucky to write better stuff because no dame from this century is ever going to appreciate his poems. There was also this one time where Tony tried to introduce some ‘products’ to Steve. “What’s this called again?” “Lube. Edible lube.” “Tony, I don’t understand why you think I need..” “Oh, I didn’t know you guys liked it rough. I thought you, of all people would be more gentle and all, especially during sex.” “What are you talking about, Stark? Isn’t this some sort of car or motor lubricant?” Steve said as he picked up the bottle of lube and held it high, letting in some of the sunlight from the window to pass through the contents of the bottle. His eyes fixated on the plastic tube, trying to actually understand what’s its true purpose. “God no. It’s um.. something like using Vaseline to ease some friction while you’re at it.” “You were talking about..fondue?” Steve’s brows knitted. “ And this stuff is supposed to what.. again?” Tony sighed. “You know what, just forget about it. I give up.” He answered with a giant huff. Tony took giant footsteps when stomping out of Steve’s room. ~ He was already running out of ideas. Hell, he had actually ran out of ideas. Tony might be amazing at thermonuclear astrophysics but getting Steve and Bucky together was really not his expertise. Tony sat down that morning, with a cup of espresso in his hands when Sam came along. “Performance issues again, Stark?” “oh, I don’t know anymore! How on earth do you get a 96 year old man to actually admit, show his feelings and start falling in love again with his boyfriend, who he thought was dead after 70 years?” that was probably the first time Sam had seen Tony being so tensed up with something. He usually cares about nothing. “Don’t you mean a 97 year old guy?” Sam laughed before continuing. “Wait, Cap’s queer?” “Details. Goddamn details Wilson? Does it really matter? He’s madly in love with Barnes and I don’t see how no one’s noticed that by now.” “So what, a guy cares for his fellow brother in arms and all of a sudden you think something’s fishy and he is gay?” Sam rolled his eyes. “Will it make a difference if I said he admitted to me that they were actually a thing back then?” “What?” “Bet’cha never learned that from any history textbook.” Tony smirked. “But that doesn’t matter now. What I need is something that will actually work.” Sam was quiet for a while. “Have you thought about actually making them go on a date. Nothing big, something simple like cupcakes and ice cream, walk by the beach? Cause you know Cap’s a little bit old schooled.” “Why didn’t I actually think of it?” “Um, because I know him better than you.” “Hate to admit that, but you’re right. Plan Steve a Date. Next on my checklist. You coming Wilson?” “Hells yeah.” ~ “You want me to ask Bucky on a date?” “Something like that.” To y answered sheepishly “Why would I do that? I’m not going jeopardize everything that I’m trying to build between us.” “Look Steve. You love him?” Steve didn’t answer, only a small nod. “Just try something okay? Give it a chance again.” “What should I do?” ~ “Bucky?” Steve called up the brunette who was chatting to Natasha. Bucky turned his head, looking at a nervous Steve Rogers standing in front of him. “Hmmm?” “I was thinking…um… We should go out. Stark told me about this pastry shop, Meghan’s Cakes. Heard, um..they make really good cupcakes.” “Oh, I’ve been there before, with Sam. It’s an amazing place.” Natasha added. “Okay. When should we go?” Barnes asked. Steve turned around looked at Tony who was standing behind the wall, with his fingers all waving, trying to tell something to Steve, without actually saying the words out loud. “Now?” Steve asked Bucky. Bucky raised his eyebrows, a little bit shocked perhaps. “Alright, lemme get into my jeans.” Bucky said as he woke up, to get a change of clothes. Steve sat down beside Natasha, taking up the spot that Bucky was seated on earlier. He tried to flex his legs, stretching the up a little to ease the tension that’s building up in him. Tony from far clenched up his fingers to hold up a ‘good job’ sign. Steve sighed. Natasha probably figured out what was going on just by watching Steve being all nervous around Bucky. Steve could easily probably punch Hitler in the jaw without any sort of fear but it was obvious he had a hard time asking Bucky out. Natasha placed her hand and caressed Steve’s left thigh softly. Steve didn’t have to say a word to make her understand how he felt about Bucky. I know. If there was one thing Steve was terrible at, it was wearing his heart on his sleeve. But the side glances and willingness to do anything for Bucky was already a good prove that Steve loved the man to bits. “Hey, punk. Let’s go.” Bucky came out, t-shirt that barely covered his metal arm, hiding only the painted shield, and blue worn out jeans to match the grey material that covered his upper abdomen. Steve walked with Bucky, until they successfully hailed a taxi. The taxi driver only asked for their destination and said how Bucky looked very familiar. Small talk and nothing else. Steve didn’t notice Tony, Sam, Pepper and Clint following them from the back in Tony’s Audi. Steve paid for the cab, smiling as he always does, walking out with Bucky and getting a spot in the confectionery. They were surrounded by many people. Parents with their children, friends in a group. People in queues trying to get some pastry as snack. But most of them were lovebirds that came to have a good time together. Steve got a chilled Tiramisu cake for himself, and got Bucky the strawberry cupcake that the brunette wanted. “So, is this a date?” Bucky asked, when the both of them were seated on the soft plush chairs. Steve almost choked on his saliva. “Um..I-..” Steve was saved by the waitress who brought the delicacies. Steve tried to hide the fact that he was starting to blush. Bucky didn’t need an answer anymore when the intensity of the colour red on the blonde’s cheeks was a dead giveaway. Bucky took a bite, a huge one. Some of the pink cream just smeared on his nose. Steve smiled at Bucky, tilting his head to the left a little, watching the brunette enjoying his cupcake. “Quit staring at me, punk. I’ve got cream on my face, haven’t I?” Bucky tried wiping his philtrum and then his nose. He got most of the cream out, only a small white dot in the centre. While Bucky was busy finding the smeared cream, Steve used the tip of his index finger to pick up a little cream from his tiramisu cake. “Here, let me help you.” Steve stood up, from his chair, tipped over the table and touched the tip of Bucky’s nose. The beige colored cream was now smudged on Bucky’s nose, replacing the pink one. “There, all done.” Tony grinned, admiring the cheeky side that was rarely a part of the Captain’s trait. “Did he just..?” Clint asked as he watched Steve’s actions. Tony slapped away Clint’s hand that was pointing towards Steve and Bucky. Pepper and Sam just smiled. The four of them still followed Steve and Bucky quietly, when the both of them went for ice cream, occasionally pulling binoculars from each other to catch a glimpse of Bucky and Steve acting all cute, something that they know wouldn’t be portrayed back in the Tower. “Give the fucking binoculars, Stark,” Clint argued. “You should have brought your own binoculars.” “Will the both of you actually shut up and let us enjoy the moment.” Pepper fired back. She was having none of their shit. Pepper loved the part where Steve kissed Bucky’s lips, just a short kiss, good enough to remove the white milky substance on Bucky’s lips. “You taste like Vanilla.” “Of course I fucking taste like Vanilla. Just ate..” Steve kissed the brunette to silence him again. Just like the previous one. Just a touch, lip on lip. They all could see how Bucky smiled when Steve finally pulled away, Bucky showing off his sharp molar between his pearly white teeth. He had the ability to melt Captain Rogers to nothing. And everyone would agree that it was the best thing about his smile. “Punk.” ~ When the day was over, when night began to fall, Tony told Steve to use the reservations he made at the posh restaurant that evening. “Thank you.” “You can thank me when the mission is accomplished.” And if Tony wanted to thank someone, it would have been Sam, for bringing up such an ingenious idea. If only he’d known that a simple date was what Steven Grant Rogers needed to get close to James Buchanan Barnes, Tony would have planned up all things, date related. “What mission?” Steve asked. The mission to get you laid, silly. “Umm.. Nothing. “ Tony stuttered. Make to use protection okay?” Tony slid something into the inner pocket of Steve’s jacket. Steve took it out, tried to have a good look at it. It was a tin foil, with something circular in the centre. “Protection?” “Just go get ‘em, tiger.” Tony said as he ushered Steve out of the door. Bucky was already waiting in the cab. The blue suit that Steve picked out for him was just as amazing as he imagined it to be. It hid the metal arm, while the fingers were covered with some sort of leather glove that fitted his hand perfectly. His hair all gelled up like how he used to when he was going out on dates with them dames back then. “You look amazing, Buck.” “Right back at ya, punk.” Tony would have spied on them again this time if it wasn’t for Pepper asking Tony to respect their privacy. The dinner was something that the both of them had a hard time of getting used to. It wasn’t usual for two men to actually go out on a date, back from where they were from. The food was extravagant, but the company that they gave each other was the fling that made the whole event something simple and enjoyable. They tried being ignorant to their surroundings, but Steve noticed how Bucky was looking over his shoulder from time to time, as if he felt someone was watching him. “You okay, Buck?” “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t let me ruin the moment, okay?” Steve smiled. “You’re not ruining anything. I’m happy to be here with you.” Steve couldn’t have ever dreamed of being so close and happy with Bucky. Not after the fall when he thought he lost everything. Not when Bucky was first deployed. Not when they were still kids. But now when he finally has the chance to make it all right, he is not going to screw it up. He’s going to make sure that every single second he spends with Bucky is going to last forever. “Is it okay if we walk back to the towers? I miss walking like we used to.” the brunette asked. “Sure, Buck.” And after Steve paid for the bill, using one of those nifty credit cards that Tony handed to him earlier, they walked out from the posh restaurant. After a few steps, when they reached a part of the busy road, Steve immediately held onto Bucky’s hand, the left one. It was some sort of reflex action, trying to hold on tight to Bucky, afraid that he might get lost in the crowd. Bucky looked back up at Steve, just a short glance and then he turned his head away. The longer he stared, the higher the chance that Steve would actually notice him and let go of his hand. Nope, Bucky didn’t want Steve to let go of his hand. He would have preferred if Steve held on to the flesh one, because that was the real part of him. But then again, it really didn’t matter that much because he could still feel the blonde’s tight grip. They walked for some time. They passed by large crowds, smaller crowds and a few people who carried suitcases. Bucky and Steve just walked together, covered in the orange incandescent lighting that lit up the dark streets. They were halfway through the journey back to the tower when it started drizzling. Bucky took off the leather glove from his right hand, placed his hand out, feeling the tiny droplets of rain water that fell from the sky. Within a few minutes, the intensity of the rain started increasing, drenching everything that was in its way to reach the ground. “We need to find shelter.” Steve said. They ran. Bucky’s left and Steve’s right hand were still caught up with each other. People carried their suitcases over their head, protecting themselves, some of them running to their destination and others running to get shed. Bucky and Steve had nothing of that sort to cover them up. All they had were each other. Steve and Bucky were soaking wet, got drenched up real good in the rain water as they stood behind one of those old buildings, in a dimly lit alley. That was the closest thing to a shelter that they could find. “You know, back then, I would never let you get wet in the rain,” Bucky said as he looked at Steve, once they were standing still beside each other. “I know.” Steve paused for a while, started grinning like a Cheshire cat before he actually continued. “And you wanna know what else we wouldn’t be doing back then?” “What?” “This.” Steve pressed up Bucky against the brick wall, pinned him against his own warm body. Their faces were close enough for Steve to actually feel Bucky’s breath against his cheeks. Steve nudged his left knee in between Bucky’s legs, his thigh gently brushing against Bucky’s groin. His torso was of close proximity to Bucky’s as the idea of personal space was completely abolished at the very moment. Steve placed his head beside Bucky’s, against the brick wall, eyes all closed and trying to soak up the fact that he finally has the chance to be so close to Bucky. “Steve.” A whisper and nothing more. It sounded like a plead to continue, as if the sergeant needed it to survive. He turned his head towards Steve, awaiting the blue eyes to greet his grey ones. His eyelashes were covered in droplets of water. Steve rubbed his thumb against Bucky’s red, moist lips. He could feel Bucky squirming beneath his touches as the brunette arched very subtly upon feeling Steve’s skin. Steve then moved his hand and pushed away the wet hair that dropped against Bucky’s forehead. Again, he pushed the brown hair that was coated in some sort of slick backwards when it bounced back, before actually pressing a gentle kiss onto Bucky’s forehead. Bucky’s eyes were shut. There was something so soothing in Steve’s touch. He keeps on getting this horrible feeling that he will be attacked any moment now, his body preparing into a flight or fight mode. But another part of him, the part that can see the present, is assuring his reflex that Steve would never hurt him. It tried to calm down his vulnerabilities. He doesn’t remember why all these gentle touches doesn’t seem so gentle. It’s like he’s been through all of this, like his emotions and thoughts have been toyed around with. He knows something is wrong but dwelling on it is just going to hurt the both of them. Bucky let out a small shudder before opening his eyes again. Steve heard Bucky. He looked up at the brunette. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Bucky noticed some sort of pain in Steve’s eyes. Steve was always being delicate with him, like he was some fragile little glass that was broken, held together with only some duct tape. Steve has never been like this before the fall. Surely something would have happened within the huge gap of 70 years that Bucky barely remembers. He knows he’s been under Zola, been through a little bit of pushing over here and there, but that’s it. Why would Steve act like the whole world was turned inside out? Bucky didn’t understand. “Please.” Bucky begged. “Don’t stop.” Steve looked hesitant. Steve pressed his lips against Bucky’s, tasting the rain water that dribbled down from the tip of his head. Bucky’s left hand was about to run against Steve’s cheeks, but his conscious mind was able to beat him to it. He touched with his right hand instead. He didn’t want to touch Steve intimately with something that wasn’t part of him. Steve bit Bucky’s lower lip, pulled it in gently, getting the skin in between his tongue and teeth. Bucky let a tear run down his eyes. He wasn’t sure why his body reacted that way. But he was thankful that the rain was able to cover up the tear. He didn’t want Steve to think something was wrong. He loved how Steve adored him, how Steve touched him, how the both of them were able to be close again. He wasn't going to let his problems and his demons to ruin what was left between them. Chapter End Notes If there was a peak of happiness in Steve and Bucky's life, this would be it. The time in a place where they can be what they always were, or being able to care for each other without being judged too much. Simply just being able to love each other. ***** Chapter 27 ***** Chapter Summary “Fill me up, Steve. Come on, baby. I need you in there.” Bucky positioned his body upright, making sure his hole is right above Steve’s cock. Steve would have came all over Bucky even without entering him. Those goddamn words from his goddamn mouth. So sexy, so desperate. That was all that Steve needed as incentive to push whatever erection he had into Bucky’s hole. Chapter Notes Umm.. slight adjustments to Chapter 26 landed me here, with a hot sex scene with these two. Lady Antebellum - Just a kiss x See the end of the chapter for more notes Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight Just a touch of the fire burning so bright No I don't want to mess this thing up I don't want to push too far Just a shot in the dark that you just might Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight Their room, Avengers Tower. Present day. Bucky would have let Steve do him right there, in the rain, in some back alley that the both of them had no idea about. Nothing would have stopped him from collapsing into Steve’s arms and taking what was his. From his Steve. But then again, Steve always had his way of getting into Bucky’s head. Always asking him to do the right things. “It’s been a long time. I was this to be proper for both of us. You deserve more than this.” Well, Bucky didn’t agree on whether he deserved this more than Steve did but if that’s what Steve wanted, he’d be willing to give in. Back in war, his body had been against all kinds of dirt and twigs, so being held against a brick wall or against the cold wet concrete floor wouldn’t hurt him any more than it did 70 years ago. It was just a matter of place. He would have done anything to let Steve ravish his body, use it up for pleasure. He enjoyed that. His hands on Steve and Steve’s on his own body. All the touching and the moving. When the two bodies were working so perfectly in unison. Perhaps because it made Steve happy. And that’s the only thing that mattered to him. Steve on the other hand, wanted to make sure he was soft onto Bucky. He didn’t want some meaningless sex where he could fuck the brains out of Barnes. It was tempting, but Steve was better than that. He wasn’t going to take advantage of him, not when Bucky’s so needy and vulnerable. He wanted to make love properly to Bucky. Not something that he only lusted for, but something that proved that he loved him true and holy. They didn’t exchange any words when Steve helped him undress. Steve was standing behind him, his hands around his waist, after taking off his soaked up jacket and the clingy shirt that was underneath. He threw the wet clothes over his working table. His arm ran across his stomach. There wasn't any hair on his chest, and even if there was, it was just in the form of tiny, nearly invisible strands that could only be seen when you're extremely close to his body. No hair was there to cover any inch of his fully formed muscles, highlighting the scars among his abs. It was almost as if Hydra had gotten rid of his body hair, making his body all shiny and sleek, reducing any sort of friction that might hinder his movements. But Steve knew far too well that whatever Hydra does to Bucky, it never is for his benefit, but merely for sheer fun or to prove to the brunette, the fact that they have total control over him, not only in the psychological department, but also over his physical form. Steve used to be able to run his fingers under his chest hair back then, but now all that was left on his body were just nothing compared to what Bucky used to have. Steve moved his hands lower, opened the zipper to Bucky’s pants. And then he slowly pulled down Bucky’s clothing. It was slow, sensual even. His hand rubbing against the bare thighs that belonged to the previous Sergeant. Steve liked how Bucky leaned against his body whenever their skin touched. He liked how their sweat got onto each other’s body. Steve peppered the soldier’s body with light kisses. He could feel Bucky’s body responding, with small, slight, nearly undetectable shudders. He hated how subconsciously Bucky was still the Asset, afraid of anything gentle that could be a disguise for something harmful. He hated how Bucky’s body was still covered in dark marks, as if he was beaten and bruised without mercy. Steve traced the skin with his fingers, the place where the scars were all over the tissue, where the shiny metallic structure was joined to his body. The skin was slightly raised against the flesh, proving that it was partially healed. Whenever Steve's finger rubbed the skin, Bucky would shudder, biting his lower lip gently so that he wouldn't let out any noise that indicated that he was in pain. His silent moans sounded as if the scars still hurt him. Bucky doesn't deserve this. He didn’t do anything to them. Why did they hurt him? They have no right to do this to him. Bucky doesn’t remember how he got most of the wounds, but when he realized how it disturbs Steve, he placed his hand over blonde’s, pulling it away from the scars. “Don’t look.” Bucky said. Steve wasn’t expecting Bucky to say something. Steve’s eyes were open, wide awake. “Don’t look at them. They’re hideous.” It was clear he was referring to all those scars. No, Bucky got it wrong. Steve admired his strength, he survived all of these, he was stronger than he looked. “No. They’re battle scars. They prove that you survived. That you survived the worst.” “ Strong,” Steve said after a pause. Bucky just hung his head low. He wasn’t sure if it actually proves anything. Even if Steve means it, it doesn’t change a thing, that Steve will always be better than him, by looks or by his kindness. Bucky Barnes was just no good compared to Steve Rogers. “Hey.” Steve’s voice was soft. Bucky clung onto Steve’s hand, moved his head a little higher, let his hair rub against Steve’s neck. Steve swayed with Bucky for a while, pressed a kiss behind his head. Steve's lips then positioned themselves, next to Bucky’s ear. “You know that I love you right?” Bucky didn’t answer. He had only let out a small moan when Steve bit his earlobe. “Ummm……Nghhhh…” Bucky’s ears were red from the sucking and slow abuse that it received from Steve’s teeth. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy it or anything, hell, he loved how Steve paid attention to something so insignificant. He let out another moan when Steve continued his actions on the other ear. “I’m gonna make you feel real good, Buck.” “Steve… I…” “Shhh… It’s okay. You don't have to do anything. I'll make you feel good, Buck. Can you lie down for me?” Steve’s right hand patted the bed that was behind his body. Bucky complied. He turned around and laid down on the soft silky bed as he watched Steve undress himself. He took out each piece of clothing from the top to the bottom. Bucky watched as Steve revealed his perfect his body slowly. It made Bucky conscious about his body but he tried his best not to show it. Steve hovered over him, his right hand caressing Bucky’s jaw, feeling the newly formed stubble. His fingers touched the small indent in between his chin, slowly giving the skin the attention that it craved. He kissed Bucky’s jaw. His hands moved up and joined Bucky. Fingers dug into each other. Bucky closed his eyes, shutting them tight. Keeping his eyes closed had always heightened his other senses. He could feel even the slightest brush of skin against skin, skin against silk. His nose could pick up Steve’s scent, the musky scent of the cologne that he had put on, mixed with fresh rain water. He could hear the metal clanking with each other, sometimes a soft dub when it touches Steve's skin. The way Steve kissed him still lingered on his lips, as his tongue could taste something sweet, which he somehow, couldn’t quite put a finger on it. Like as if he was just imagining the last one. The neck. Ah. Steve licked and pressed a kiss on the lightly stubbled skin under his jaw. And if that wasn’t enough to make Bucky squirm beneath Steve, the biting by the side of his neck was surely good to get Bucky all needy again. Steve suckled parts of his neck, as Bucky pushed his head further away, sinking it deeper into the soft mattress. One could clearly see how the sheets crumpled around his head, from all the pressure it received. “Ngghhhhh… ahhh… ummmphh…” The skin turned red and sore. It would surely leave a mark or two in the morning. Bucky touched one of the areas that Steve bit, with his metal hand. It burned upon feeling the cold metallic surface. The moisture around the skin was transferred onto his metal finger. Steve paid his attention to Bucky’s nipple. They weren’t as pink as his. They were brown, slightly larger and elongated than his round ones. He sucked the right one first before moving onto the left. He then would rub his thumb against the sensitive area, kneading, pulling it a little before going over it with his tongue again. Bucky’s nipple was caught between Steve’s teeth a few times, which at one point, made Bucky think that Steve was actually doing it on purpose. When the cold air brushed against the abused nipples, it made Bucky moan in bliss. The sight of Bucky slowly arching his body up, getting all tensed up was like ecstasy to Steve. He liked making Bucky feel good. Kisses over kisses were layered over the brunette’s body. His body was cherished, as if it was precious. At that time, anyone who watched them would have thought that Steve loved Bucky’s body more than he loved anything in the world. Love his body. Love him. Love him until he learns to love himself. But then again, it wasn’t his body that Steve held dear to his heart, it was Bucky himself. His body was just a part of him, being a medium that Steve can show how he felt about his best friend. How he cherished everything about him. “Steve.Fuck me.Please.” That raspy voice, it had got Steve. It hit him hard like a brick on his face. Bucky sounding so desperate was something that Steve adored. Needy. So fucked up. “Stevie. Please. I need this.” “Not until I prep you up. I don’t want to hurt you.” Steve placed two of his fingers into his mouth, trying to coat it up with saliva. Upon noticing Steve’s action, Bucky got up. He then took Steve’s hand, that was still partially in his mouth and pulled it out. He saw how those two fingers glistened under the lighting of the small night lamp. He took those two fingers and placed in his mouth instead. Steve could feel Bucky’s tongue going all over it, wetting up everything that was in contact. It felt good, in a way. Steve could imagine Bucky doing the same to his aching cock, putting his moist lips over it, taking it in like a good little girl. “Can you take another one in?” Bucky couldn’t answer with his mouth. He just gave out a small ungodly noise, accompanied with a nod. Steve pushed a third finger into his mouth. Bucky just gobbled up his ring finger greedily, hungrily. As if he has never devoured anything as tasty as them. Oh, the way he looked back at Steve was just unbearable for the blonde. His eyes practically showing him how vulnerable he was, his eyelashes fluttering like a slut, nothing more worthy. Wanton. Steve’s fingers swell a little when he took them out. Covered lightly in his own saliva, but mainly with Bucky’s. Steve wondered if Bucky could actually taste his saliva when he sucked on his fingers. “Hey. You ready?” “Ready is my middle na…Ooofffhh.” Steve slid in one finger first. His middle one. Bucky was such an idiot and the only way to shut that goddamn mouth of his was, well, to make him focused on something else. His hole wasn’t exactly gaping, but Steve could tell that it wasn’t like how it used to be. It used to be a different kind of tightness, Bucky would moan even at the smallest entry, as if it had hurt him. But this time, one finger wasn’t such a hindrance for Bucky. But the muscles around his hole was stronger, still tight, but as if they had tonnes of practice. It was a good thing, perhaps, because it made Bucky’s hole all greedy and inviting. Steve could only imagine the things that they, Hydra, did to….. Stop. Don’t think about it. That past is the past. Don’t let Bucky know. Two fingers slid in. This time Steve could feel that he was stretching Bucky. He could see Bucky’s facial reaction changing. That face that Steve longed to see. The face that showed how desperately Bucky longed for his lover. Third finger in. Bucky bit his lower lip hard. His hands gripped the grey-white sheets tight. The folds of the silk material were under the grasp of his hand. Steve moved the fingers in and out, slowly. His aim was to get Bucky all ready. It would hurt lesser if Bucky gets prepared. Surely pain comes with pleasure and that there is no gain without pain, but that is not what Steve wants, not right now at least. When Steve finally pushed in his fingers for the last time, he urges it in a little bit deeper, just to see what Bucky looks like under pressure. And hell, Steve loved it. Bucky gripping the sheets even tighter than before, his eyes closed, eyelashes all glued together. His teeth were visible and were marking his lower lip. And when he took them out, he could fell the contrast of the surrounding temperature. They felt comfortable and warm in Bucky, but once they were out he could feel the coldness of the surrounding atmosphere. “I want you inside of me.” “I need to put some vaseline so that…” Steve tried to get up but Bucky pulled him back down. He got over Steve’s body, exchanging their positions, him being on top of Steve. “I’ll help you with that.” Bucky spat into his flesh hand while his metal one positioned and held the weight of his body. Bucky then moved his hand over Steve’s cock. His movements were a little bit slow at first, trying to get used to the feeling of having something so human clenched up in his palm, covered in his own saliva. His hands moved up and down, trying to lubricate Steve with his saliva, trying to get Steve harder and excited. Bucky tried to smile but his thoughts were focused elsewhere. Bucky lowered his head, until the tip of Steve’s cock reached his mouth. He gave the purple tip a good lick before sucking it gently. He let go of the head before licking a strip under Steve’s shaft. And then he took it in. “God….. Bucky.” Bucky was still good. He could still make Steve twitch with the magic of his tongue. He tried to look at Steve, but his partially wet hair kept on getting in the way. Steve used his left hand to push the hair backwards and held it against Bucky’s head. His hand facilitated Bucky’s bobbing head and made sure Bucky was in rhythm. Steve pushed gently pushed Bucky's head down each time Bucky was taking his cock in his mouth. When Bucky had all of Steve inside his mouth, he would look at Steve. Hot damn. Steve’s face was all red, flushed up in a way that would make strawberries ashamed of their incompetence to turn all bright. His other hand was under gripping the bedspread, holding himself in position and not losing control, making sure he had a good look of the brunette taking him into his throat. “Bucky you gotta slow down, or else I’ll have come down your throat.” That didn’t stop Bucky from taking up Steve’s length as much as he could. Hell, he actually quickened his pace, as if he wanted Steve to let go of whatever he had building up in him into the depths of his throat. His hands held against Steve’s thigh’s as firmly as they could. Surely when Steve wakes up the morning, his thighs would have Bucky’s handprint over them. “Oh God, baby, that’s good… Ohhhhh yeah…. Fuck… Fuck… ah… no, Bucky… yes…” Bucky lets go of Steve’s cock. He could how Steve’s face pulled out a small frown, knitting his eyebrows a little. He was close. So close and Bucky knew it. Bucky couldn’t let Steve finish off early before he did, now could he?Strands of shiny saliva was connected from Bucky’s tongue and Steve’s hard on. “Fill me up, Steve. Come on, baby. I need you in there.” Bucky positioned his body upright, making sure his hole is right above Steve’s cock. Steve would have came all over Bucky even without entering him. Those goddamn words from his goddamnmouth. So sexy, so desperate. That was all that Steve needed as incentive to push whatever erection he had into Bucky’s hole. “Fuck… Stevie. Babyd-doll...Yeah… Faster…” Steve quickened his pace, pumping his cock in and out of Bucky just like how the brunette wanted it to be. His huge hands grabbed Bucky’s arse, clenching the firm gluteus muscles, cupping them within his palms and making sure that Bucky would be right where he was supposed to be. Bucky had his hand on Steve’s shoulder, helping him to maintain his position above Steve. Bucky might be the one who is above Steve, but Steve still had control over Bucky. The blonde had a pretty good view of his lover, taking up Steve's whole dick in him, while the brunette's own one was hard and curled against his belly. “Steve… Ah… Faster… Baby… I need you to go even faster…” “You sure you can handle it, Buck?” At that moment Steve wasn’t sure if he should even be pounding into Bucky like that. He promised himself that he wanted Bucky to enjoy this but then again, Bucky’s not asking for sweet love making. It’s like Bucky is used to all the rough stuff, that pain is the only pleasure that he can actually attain. Steve knew that even if he had to go faster, he would have to be gentle and that itself would be a hard thing to manage. He had to control his every step so that it was fast enough, but not too hard because it would hurt Bucky. And hurting Bucky is last thing on his mind right now. He needs to subconsciously remind his lover that being gentle is also good, that it is also pleasurable. “Yeah, Stevie. God, you’re so hot…” Bucky’s words were enough to get Steve all fueled up, thrusting deeper and faster into his Bucky. Steve pushed Bucky towards him, letting Bucky feel what he wanted. He could feel Bucky’s nails digging deep into the skin of his shoulder. Some skin was peeled and got in between Bucky’s nails. Bucky’s grip was hard and the markings left by Bucky would be a constant reminder to Steve that he had managed to make Bucky feel good. “Oh yeah… Ummm… Fuck… Ahhh…Shit…Steve… Oh God… ебать!” The whole world would have stopped right there for Steve. It would have. It could have. But no, it didn’t. His body trembled and spasmed as he came in Bucky’s hole. Coating up the moist fleshy insides. Bucky had him far deep in his ass, that it hit his prostate real good. Perfect timing. He came all over Steve’s stomach, marking the territory with his cum, as if Steve was his and his only and that nothing could change the fact. When Bucky pulled his body away, Steve could see how red and sore his hole was. It twitched, and Bucky rubbed his metal finger at the opening as if he was trying to soothe it down a little. He was alright for about a minute, and that was before he dropped to the side without any warning, as if he had no control over his body. Steve was bit shocked, he’s never seen Bucky losing control like this. “Bucky? Bucky… Baby are you okay?” One could definitely hear the panic in Steve’s voice. Steve hovered over Bucky. “Stev-vie… I’mm fin-ne….” . That was the only thing that came out of Bucky’s mouth. His voice was soft and it showed how unguarded he was. His eyes were partially open and his hands tried to meet those of Steve's. He grabbed the dog tags on Steve's neck, remembers how it kept touching his own skin when Steve fucked him right. He tugged it gently, turned it to rrveal his name. "Looks good on ya. Like you're mine, like nothing can change that." Bucky pressed his head against Steve's torso, nuzzled his hair on the blonde's chest slowly. Steve kept on rubbing Bucky's head, his half damp hair that was mixed with rain water and sweat, until he was all alert again. He crawled up over Steve slowly, trying to get his body stable again after losing control so easily. Once he close to Steve's abdomen, his hand flung over the muscular body and his thighs was over against Steve’s cock. Steve covered both of their bodies with the comforter so that it would keep them warm. Steve turned a bit to the right to switch off the night shade when he heard Bucky calling his name softly. “Steve… ” “Mmmphh?” Steve asked back. He turned his head only to see Bucky's hand reaching over his pecs. Bucky didn’t answer. He fell asleep over Steve’s chest. Steve smiled to himself upon noticing how adorable Bucky looked, like a child in his arms. He then continued moving, to actually pull the string of the night shade, letting the calming darkness to fill up the room, giving them the privacy that they needed to be so close after so long. When the room was lit up by the light on the pillar that shone dimly through the open window, Steve pressed a small kiss against Bucky’s forehead. “I love you,” Steve whispered. It didn’t matter if Bucky couldn’t hear him, it didn’t matter if Bucky isn’t what he used to be. It only mattered that Bucky was happy, because that in return would make Steve happy too. And what a shame it would be if all this bliss came to an end. Chapter End Notes Steve's really happy with how everything is progressing and I think this is such a lovely song and aww yes I think these two deserve to be happy for a while. Steve is being all gentle, because he doesn't want to hurt Bucky, not now when Bucky is still recovering. He doesn't want to mess their whole relationship and lose Bucky all over again. He doesn't mind taking it slow so that Bucky enjoys it too and I think that really sums up how Steve Rogers is as a person. Also, to those who have been actually read chapter 26 previously and has read the part about the small puppy, I'm sorry I edited that part out, cause I didn't want it to get in between the climax of the story. If any of you want to know the continuation of that story, I'll try to make it into a different short fic. Like how Bucky is great with pets and all. Just drop a comment and I might just whip it up. ***** Chapter 28 ***** Chapter Summary “Who are you and what are you doing here?” Bucky asks again, this time with a sterner voice after putting another step forward, closer to the stranger on the chair. He can see the man a bit better now from the dim reflection of white light. Black ink was circled around his eyes and he had this weird muzzle against his mouth and nose. “I’m you.” Chapter Notes Ed Sheeran - All of the Stars x I'll be updating as fast as possible! See the end of the chapter for more notes So open your eyes and see The way our horizons meet And all of the lights will lead Into the night with me And I know these scars will bleed But both of our hearts believe All of these stars will guide us home Steve’s room. Avengers Tower Present Day, 4 in the morning. ебать. Bucky was asleep. No, he was trying to sleep. He can hear a faint whisper, something that woke him up from his slumber. He’s pretty sure it’s nothing, just his mind playing tricks on him as usual. He’s used to all the weird shit that his mind can pull up since the war, since Zola. He tries to brush it away and pulls the duvet over his body, trying to cover his exposed body. He twisted and turned. Every position was either too hot or too cold, too rough or too soft. ебать. ебать. ебать. The goddamn word played like a broken record in Bucky’s head. He’s pretty sure he’s never heard of it before, nonetheless understand it, but then again, he did say it out loud. He said the word while Steve was pounding into him like it was something usual, something that he is used to saying when he’s got a dick in him. It freaked him out a little, enough to get him up from the bed in his boxers and head to the kitchen to get a glass of water. His throat was dry and he convinced himself that that’s the only reason he’s trying to leave the comfort and warmth of Steve’s body. He doesn’t let Steve know that he is awake. He tip toed to the kitchen, didn’t switch on the light, just fumbled for a glass in the utter darkness. He had the mug in his hand, all filled up with warm fluid from the water dispenser. ебать. ебать. The word repeated itself again. This time, his mind blacked out for a minute. He lost control of his left hand and dropped the mug onto the floor. Crap. He could feel the whole world watching him. His head was spinning lightly and he’s sure that this isn’t the first time he’s losing control. “Weak. Can’t even grab a cup properly. Pathetic.” Bucky hears a man’s voice, something soft yet it was clearly distinguished from the humming of the central heater. “Who’s there?” he asks. He takes a step forward, trying to find the source of the disembodied voice. He couldn’t see much, only a shadow in the dark. His night vision was good and it had helped him to draw a figure of man, seated on one of the chairs surrounding the round table. He could make up the image of a man with shoulder length hair, a muscular frame. The grey eyes belonging to the stranger met his very own grey ones, under the glimmer of light that suddenly shone through from the main hall of the tower. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” Bucky asks again, this time with a sterner voice after putting another step forward, closer to the stranger on the chair. He can see the man a bit better now from the dim reflection of white light. Black ink was circled around his eyes and he had this weird muzzle against his mouth and nose. “I’m you.” Bucky froze, his eyes focusing on the figure. It wasn’t the answer that startled him, it was the way he heard the man’s voice, as if the man was next to him and had whispered into his ear, as if the voice came right from his head. “Barnes?” The lights were switched on. Bucky turned his head and he saw Tony. Then he saw Steve running through the hallway, standing next to Tony only in his sweatpants. He turned his head back to the table and there was no one there. No figure, no stranger, no one who could have talked to him a few seconds ago. “He was right here. A man. He- he..” “Barnes. Hey, snap out of it.” Tony said. Bucky moved his body backwards, without losing sight of the chair. “You guys have to believe me. There was someone here. He had this weird mask and smudged ink over his eyes. Hair this long,” Bucky said as he pointed to an area of his neck, trying to show the length of the stranger’s hair. Steve looked at Tony and Tony returned his gaze. “I swear Stevie, you gotta believe me. He was right here!” Bucky pointed to the empty chair again. “Bucky… hey, relax. There’s no one. You’re probably tired, worked up and all from last night. You’re probably seeing stuff.” Steve knew what Bucky had seen but surely it would be best if Steve kept this to himself first. “No! He was here! I’m not imagining things!” “James, go back to bed. You get some rest and we’ll talk about this in the morning okay?” Tony sounded comforting. Tony might be an asshole and totally useless in daily conversations but right now, he knows what to do, he knows what to say to a person who’s facing his own ghost, his own demons. He’s been on this road. “You think I’m making this up.” Bucky took a step away from where Tony and Steve were standing and stepped on the shattered mug. Cleesshhh. “Bucky.” “I b-broke the glass. S-sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll clean it u-up.” Bucky stammered as he tried picking up one by one of the shattered pieces. He managed to get the huge pieces, held them in his left hand. “James, I’ll get someone to clean that up. You don’t have to do it.” “No. I broke it. I can clean it. I’m not weak.” Bucky continued to pick up whatever that was left on the floor. He continued mumbling, saying in soft whispers that he wasn't weak. Kept on repeating it as if he was hardwired for it. Why did he say that? Why did he say he was not weak? Tony and I didn’t say anything about being weak. Steve looks at Bucky, watching how the metal hand worked together with the flesh one, trying to pick up some of the bigger parts of the shattered pieces. “You’re not weak. We just don’t want you to get hurt.” Steve assures him. “Can’t leave broken glass on the floor. It’s okay if I get hurt. It only matters if someone else gets hurt. Can’t afford to make mistakes.” Bucky mumbled. And then he continued repeating his words again. Bucky paid no more attention from the glares that he received from Stark or Rogers, he continued moving his fingers to grip the broken glass tightly, secured. “BUCKY!” Steve yelled. At that moment, Bucky stopped moving. He dropped back whatever glass that was in his hands on the floor. His hands started shaking, his legs wobbled a little as he tried to stand up and look into Steve's eyes. He took a few steps, positioned himself carefully against the table top, gaining momentum before strolling to the hall. A few more steps. He was already in the hallway, Steve was right behind him because the blonde that knew something bad was going to happen. His head twirled, his vision suddenly turning blurry and slowly turning dark, all black. He fell onto the floor as he heard Steve calling out his name. ~ Bucky only wakes up 5 hours later. “St-steve?” That’s the first thing that croaked out of his mouth. His eyes weren’t fully open yet, but the light was already blinding. When he managed to fully recover his vision, he saw Dr. Banner over his face, asking him if he was alright. He doesn’t answer the question but instead, he asks if Steve’s alright. Bruce assures him that Steve is fine and calls the blonde to Bucky’s aid. Bucky sits upright, when he notices Steve.He can’t let Steve see him being weak. “How are ya feeling?” “A bit thirsty.” Bucky then could hear Tony asking someone to get a glass of water from the kitchen. He’s handed with a transparent glass, filled with transparent liquid. Bucky drinks the water, handing the glass back to Peter as he tried to stand up. His legs doesn’t fail him this time. “ W-why is everyone.” Bucky stopped his words halfway as he stared through the crowd. “Did something happen?” Steve looked at Bucky with his eyes wide. “You don’t remember?” “Well I remember last night. Us.” Bucky gave a small pause, looking at Steve, placing a small mischievous grin across his lips. He could feel that everyone was looking at Steve, giving him the looks.Bucky just gave out a small chuckle, being the lil’ piece of shit he was. “And that I was sleeping. Now that I’m awake, I’m here. Did I do something?” Bucky’s eyebrows twitched, a puzzling reaction took its form, replacing the smile that was previously etched on his face. “You passed out.” “Where?” “There,” Steve said as he pointed to the spot from where he carried Bucky from a few hours ago. “What was I doing here?” “Kitchen. I think you were looking for something to eat, probably hungry?” Tony interrupted. Tony knew that Bucky wasn’t in the kitchen to eat, he knew something had bothered the ex-assassin and that his counter measure was to walk it off, perhaps get something to drink and forget about it. Steve looked at Tony, as if he didn’t approve the way he lied to Bucky. “Sleepwalking perhaps?” Tony reinforced his words. “Well, that would be a first then.” Bucky said. He just smiled, easing off the worried expression on his face. “Well, I dunno ‘bout you fellas, but I’m headed off to get myself cleaned up.” He closed up to Steve, near his ears, before whispering a small “I’ll be waiting.” Steve’s face blushed a little, nothing more than the usual though, despite knowing what Bucky had meant. Bucky walked up, his body swaying to the left a little more than to the right. Steve’s accustomed to watching Bucky move like that now. The crowd dispersed, leaving only Tony and Steve with each other. “We need to talk.” Steve said. Tony ignored him, but Steve pulled his hand. “Hey! I said we need to talk.” Tony shook off Steve's grip, turning to face the taller blonde with his eyebrows closely knit. “What’s there to talk about?” He asks in an obnoxious tone. “You know what I mean. You lied to him. ” “Yeah, so?” “You know what he described; we both know what he thought he saw.” “And you think telling him that he saw his other self is a better option? Don’t you see how that will head? If he remembers, we don’t know what will happen to him,” Tony raises his voice a little. Don’t scratch the itch. Steve remembers what Loki has said. He remembers how he was warned to not let Bucky delve too deep into his past as it could bring unsavoury results. “But Tony, this is not right. What if he actually finds out? Loki said the memories will return to him slowly, one way or another.” There was a small scorn on Tony’s face. “Then we have to prepare for the worst,” he said bitterly. “I shouldn’t have... I shouldn’t have done that to him. It probably triggered that reaction in him.” Tony knew what Steve had meant, he saw how Steve and Bucky were all over each other at the front door of the tower, via the surveillance camera. He knew what happened in their room, as he was the one who deleted the recording from Jarvis' database after jacking off to it. What Tony first thought was a success was now slowly turning into Steve’s worst nightmare. “No, it’s my fault too. I wanted to get you two together.” Small pause. “Besides, if Loki said the memories were to return, there’s no way you can stop it anyway.” “But I could have stalled it.” Steve was full of regret. “And what possible good would that bring?” Steve didn’t answer the question. Maybe because he had no idea what to say. “Don’t keep him waiting.” Tony fingered to the floor above him. “He might notice that something’s wrong.” ~ Steve pushes the room door open. He’s greeted with the sound of water falling onto the floor. Bucky was in the shower. Steve sits on the bed, his hand covering his eyes, holding his head in the right position. “Steve?” The sound of the tap turning was turning was loud. The water stopped pouring. “Yeah it’s me.” “Come in.” His voice is crisp, loud and clear. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, B-Buck. You need to get some rest.” Bucky comes out, all wet, just like last night. He pulls Steve with his metal hand into the bathroom. He turned on the taps, lets the water running as he tried to remove Steve’s pants. Steve resists a little, trying to push Bucky away gently. “What’s wrong?” “No it’s nothing. I just..” “Was it because of what happened back there?” Bucky’s tone changed, his eyes all round and curious. He looked at Steve and his question was easily answered by Steve’s worrying look. “Hey, it’s okay. I can take it. You don’t have to worry about me.” “I don’t want to hurt you.” “You won’t. We did this so many times before. Why would it be different now?” Don’t let him dig deep. Steve was trying to avoid this. He can’t have Bucky asking questions, especially not when the answers would do more harm than good. Steve pulls Bucky into a kiss. If this is the only way he can keep Bucky from scratching the itch, he’ll do it. He’ll make sure that he keeps Bucky safe from the darkness that might engulf his soul. ~ And Tony is going to make this right. If he brought this onto Steve and Bucky, he’s gonna fix it. And he can only think of one way to do it. He’ll need to get back to work on that HYDRA server. If he can get anything from their port, it might be useful to them. Perhaps he can help Steve get rid of HYDRA once and for all, help him avenge what’s done onto Bucky. Tony is going to do what he should have done a long time ago. Crack the code and let Steve know why Bucky is broken. Get Steve prepared for the worst by making him understand everything that he needs to know about the winter soldier. Because, Tony believes that if Steve knows the damage that has been done onto Bucky, he’ll know what to do and how to help the ex assassin to get through all the mess. He knows that Steve would do anything to keep Bucky safe, even if it means breaking his virtues. Steve's personal stands would be nothing compared to saving Bucky. The fact was slightly terrifying though, because anyone who had the power over the Winter Soldier could actually control Captain America. And Tony isn’t going to let HYDRA get away with anything. Not without crossing his dead body. He sits on his computers, starts trying every possible code to access the information. He made sure to have the intensive firewall up as backup so that if anything does go wrong, if HYDRA actually traces his ID, he might be able to prevent too much damage. ~ “You know how to use this?” Steve threw the bottle of lube onto the bed, next to Bucky. Bucky picks the bottle of blue gel and looks at the print. “Of course. Where’d ya get this from, anyway?” Bucky opens the cap of the tube. “Stark.” “Takes after Howard, don’t you think?” Bucky said as he squeezes some of the lube onto his hands, rubbing the gel, spreading it evenly on his hands before applying the cool substance on his dick. “Oh, you should have seen him before this. Think he’s beaten Howard’s record with the ladies.” Steve said as he hovered over Bucky, his hole right on top of Bucky’s hard cock. His hand beside Bucky’s shoulders, his body in between the brunette’s legs that were spread out wide. “You know, I’d prefer if you were screaming my name out loud while I fuck you, instead of you talking about the Stark legacy and their sex life.” Steve just gave out a small laugh, before thrusting his body towards Bucky. “God… Steve… Ah…” “Really tho, you’re the one who’s all loud when we do it, Buck.” “Shut up and move, punk.” Steve chuckled. He liked seeing Bucky being all a prick when they were at it. It reminded him of the good old times. As if Bucky was still Bucky, and that nothing had happened between them. He wishes for that though, but he knows he cannot change the past. “Oh Fuck. Fuck… yeah. Fuck!” This time it’s Steve that goes all vocal when he's riding Bucky. Having Bucky in him feels good. Steve moves in and out, he’s on top and he’s controlling their pace. He starts slow, but with the way Bucky looks at him, as if his whole world revolved around the blonde, Steve gets all pumped up and increases his speed. He lets Bucky take away every inch of honour that he had, every inch of integrity that he gained over the years. “Oh god, Steve!” And when Bucky shoots in side of him, Steve is sure that that is the only blessing that he can ever get from this wicked world. And no, he doesn't question that. Because that is, apparently, what he truly believes in. He then turns around when Bucky asks him to. Getting underneath of Bucky. He lets the brunette to touch him, suck the tip of his swollen dick. Bucky takes it like a pro, deep throating Steve like he always does. And he only stops when he feels the slippery sticky goo in the back of his throat and how the hard dick would grow limp between his tongue. He makes sure that Steve did feel good. He knows that’s all he can do right now. Steve doesn’t hate it. He doesn’t hate how Bucky lets himself to be taken advantage of by Steve himself. Not anymore. The feeling of having Bucky underneath him, all ready to be used up is just as strong as he loved it 70 years ago. ~ Two months ago, when Bucky first started acting weird again, he was afraid that he might break Bucky, he was sure that if he pushed Bucky a little more over the edge, he’d ruin all the chances that he had with Bucky. With the occasional memory losses and staring spells, Steve's sure that it's just a matter of time before Bucky loses it, explodes and breaks down. But now, with Bucky asking him for more, he doesn’t want to say no. He knows that they don’t have much time before all of this comes to an end. At least that’s what he’d convince himself with, so that every time he touches Bucky, he doesn’t feel wrong and full of guilt. He doesn’t want to believe that he’s doing this so that Bucky wouldn’t learn about his past. Steve doesn’t want to have this feeling of treachery, where he is actually lying to Bucky, and perhaps that’s why he makes the idea; that he’s hiding the truth from Bucky, completely oblivious from his mind. Kiss him. Give him love. Hide the hurting truth so that he can find peace with himself. Tell him lies. Because there isn’t anything worst than learning about your demons. So think that you’re helping him. It’ll help you get through each day without breaking a heart. And Steve lives with that. He just has to. Chapter End Notes Yes, Steve's devotion to Bucky deserves a really heartbreaking song, so yeah, this song popped up in my mind. You know people say that the truth will set you free, I think if Steve lets Bucky know about his past, it will reduce the burden that Steve carries with him. But Steve is an idiot, he wants to protect Bucky from the things that lurk in the dark. The thing is, Steve should have known that dark secrets do catch up, they don't remain buried forever. ебать - Fuck. Well, I can't have Bucky saying a different word when Steve's pounding into him, can I? XD Comments are greatly appreciated! :D ***** Chapter 29 ***** Chapter Summary “You don’t understand this do you, Rogers? He doesn’t want to do this, but he has to. You might have fixed him up, but he was with us for 70 years. You don’t think we’ve actually scrambled out everything in his mind? He will follow every single command that I place onto him. How should I make this clear for you? Hmmm… I know…. Pet, take this gun.” The asset took the pistol that was handed out to him. “Put it against your head, while your finger is inserted at its trigger.” Its body did as told. The mouth of the pistol marked a black circle of gun powder at its temple. “Look at him, Rogers. Just look at how weak and pathetic he is. Is this the person you loved?” “YOU TURNED HIM INTO THIS AND I SWEAR THAT I’LL GET YOU AND ALL OF FUCKING HYDRA FOR THIS!” Steve struggled with the grasp of the muscular figures behind him. “BUCKY! BUCKY! LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME, PAL! YOU CAN FIGHT THIS! I know you can… I need you to do this, for yourself. I believe in you… Please…” Chapter Notes P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess x See the end of the chapter for more notes Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts We're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again Tony’s working lair, Avengers Tower. Present day. Tony doesn’t exactly waste much time when he’s trying his best to get into Hydra’s system. The usual shenanigans and antiques were avoided, even when he lost every inch of idea that could help him bypass their security. He survived on coffee, coffee and every form of coffee that exists in the world. The thing about Hydra is, if there’s actually something that Tony’s has learnt so far, it’s how meticulous their systems are. 10 weeks and counting, and Tony still hasn’t found the perfect code to get into their bloody system. “There’s gotta be something. No way Hydra’s system is perfect.” “Sir, you do know how all of this works right?” “Nope, not a single clue, bud. I’m just creating bullshit as I go. Like always.” “But sir, you always have a plan.” “I did, one month ago.” Tony’s pretty sure that everything he has tried has gone to ashes. Every single damn thing. “Sir, if you were to create a program where the decryption system isn’t exactly a virus, in terms, that instead of taking down the system, why don’t we just shut it down for a while. Wouldn’t that give us enough time to actually gain access into their server.” “Wait, how come I didn’t think of that?” “You did, sir. And we did tried it out too. But we failed earlier. Also, I think if we were to send a newer format of that specific reboot program, we might just be able to pull it off. I think it would be a good time to give it a try again now as I just detected a slight change in their firewall. It looks like someone is rearranging their codes as we speak.” “Let’s give it a shot then.” Tony started typing, meddling with the keyboard. Click. Clack. Clickkk. Click. Clak. Clackk. “Jarvis, how is their coding on?” “Still progressing sir. I assume they’d be done within a few minutes.” “Perfect.” Tony exclaimed. He had a plan somehow, well, not a plan exactly, more of a theory with a hypothesis that was leaning towards the fact that he might succeed. If he uploads the reboot program right after Hydra is finished with their coding, it would seem less suspicious. It would seem like a technical glitch. Not only that, the reboot program would give Tony approximately 3 whole minutes to get through the system. 3 minutes should be enough. “Sir, I am about to launch the program in the count of three, two, one…” Fingers crossed. He had three whole minutes before Hydra actually successfully reboots their system and realize that Tony has gotten into their server. One minute. Nothing happened. The second minute was about to end when Tony actually got the chance to enter their server. He had to pose as one of their primary users to actually get authorized into Hydra’s internal cloud. He tapped into their log in page, easily got into with his own special ID generator. ACCESS GRANTED “So far so good.” Tony said as his tongue licked his upper lip. One minute passed and he got into their main data server. He opened a few folders, and tried to peek into their contents. MISSIONS NEW_WORLD_STRUCTURE PROGRAM:_NEW_DIVERSE THE_ASSET “Sir, please do hurry up. We have less than a minute left.” Tony would have copied everything if he could, but with only a minute remaining he couldn’t do much. He clicked on the option that seemed the most important right now. The asset. ACCESS DENIED. “Hell no! Get me in.” Tony tried the option again. ACCESS DENIED. “No way dude. Maybe I didn’t crack the whole system.” Tony tried the first option Missions. ACCESS GRANTED It displayed contents ranging from legendary heroes to the current President of the United States of America. “This can’t be right.” He can’t understand how he was able to access the missions, but not the asset. It did not make any sense. He could try making a loophole in the system but he wasn’t sure if he had enough time to actually carry out his plan. He could try. Something was always better than nothing, wasn't it? “Sir, we only have ten seconds left.” “I can do this.” “Sir, I suggest aborting the mission. We have five seconds left.” “Dammit Jarvis. Is firewall up?” “Yes sir.” “Then, continue with the mission. I’m not giving up.” Everything was going on okay. Until suddenly the whole Stark Tower came down to a blackout and the alarms were blaring. Tony’s pretty sure everyone would be awake right now, probably cursing him and his technologies if they weren’t freaked out by the whole thing. “Fuck. I screwed up. Jarvis, buddy, can you hear me?” No answer. “Shit. Buddy you alright?” “I’ve been better, sir.” Tony gave out a huge sigh. Slowly, the dark building started to gain its brightness. Blackouts weren’t something common in the Avengers Tower, even if it did, Tony always had back up, a general motor that could last for a whole two days on full blow. Jarvis sounded alright, meaning that his AI was probably still in good shape. Nothing a good scan and some minor technical repairs couldn’t fix. He took the last cup of coffee and finished everything that was in it, probably taking a 20 minute break from all the tension that rose from his current doings before he thought of giving it another try. He walked out of his lair to get a refill for his coffee before he was startled by Jarvis’s voice. “Sir, this may sound sudden, but we have an incoming missile that will hit our main lobby.” “What?” “Sir, we have an incoming..” “No I heard you. But how? Can’t it be diverted?” “I do not have access to overwrite protocols, sir.” “Dammit!” Tony said as he rushed out of his working lair. He ran as fast as he could into the vault where he kept all of his iron man suits. He was sure that he could have had enough time to at least put on one of the armor that he had. He was wrong. The missile hit the tower, sending pulses of shock and eruptions all over. If the earlier black out didn’t bring people to his aid, this should have really scared the shit out of them. He could hear a loud uproar, probably from the cement and plaster falling from the walls and floors above. He wasted no time, the remaining parts of his armor that weren’t already on his body did their roles in combining with each other and fully covering every inch of his skin. He rushed outside, flying, where he met almost everyone. The only people who weren’t there at ground zero yet were Wade and Strange. And within two minutes they arrived and joined the rest of them. The crowd was gathered at the huge hole that was pounded into his tower. “What happened?” Pepper asked. “I think I got attacked by Hydra, well, technically, we got attacked by Hydra.” Tony answered. “You got what?” Steve’s eyebrows were raised. His eyes lured over his shoulder where Bucky was standing, before returning to meet his gaze with Tony. “I’m not sure what happened. I thought I got into their system. I did actually, they granted me access to certain parts. So I tried getting what I wanted and ka-boom, here we are.” “So did you get anything useful from Hydra?” Natasha asked. “I don’t think so. But…” Before Tony could actually finish his sentence, he was interrupted by Jarvis. “Second incoming missile, sir. I suggest taking cover.” Right after Jarvis finished talking, the second missile had entered the building forcefully. Everyone tried to find shelter, keeping themselves and the people around them as safe as possible. “You think?”Tony sounded sarcastic. “Why isn’t any retaliation been made?” “I cannot seem to find the source for these missiles sir. They seem to… come out of nowhere.”Jarvis stalled before it answered. It knew, from experience, that Stark wouldn’t have liked what it had told him. “Fuck!” Tony exclaimed. Not only they were in danger, there was also no exact foolproof way that would render them bruiseless, nor was there a way for them to stop these attacks. Two missiles flew in and this time, Tony didn’t even bother asking Jarvis anything. “What the fuck is that?” Wade exclaimed upon noticing men in green uniforms marching in. “Fucking Hydra.” Tony hissed back. The fiery orange-red emblem that was on the side of their uniforms was the bloody prove. Tony was amazed in a way. They arrived to his tower within an hour after he tried to hack into their server. Getting here this fast, just seemed so unnatural, as if they have been keeping their eye over Tony and the Avengers and had just used this opportunity to launch an attack on them. “If it’s a fight that they want, then it’s a fight that we’ll give it to them. Avengers, Assemble!” Captain shouted from the corner where he stood. His eyes were fixated on the incoming troops. Everyone there got into their positions, being stable and planning their next move. Tony did a head count. There was him and Rhodey all geared up in their armor. Clint and Natasha at one end, leaning against each other, one aiming target with arrows while the other shooting or kicking the crap out of them. Sam was working Steve, while Strange partnered up with Wanda and used everything within their magical capabilities to ensure that optimal damage was cast upon the intruders. Bucky was on his own, under some of the crumbled pieces of structure, and after he got out of the mess, he was snapping heads with his left hand as if he was breaking something as simple as pasta. Tony had Vision to help him control Jarvis, to attack the hydra soldiers. Bruce was all hulked up while Pietro was running over targets non-stop. Peter wasn’t in his suit but that wasn’t much of a problem as his spider abilities was working fine. Wade brought out his Katanas and was already spinning it around, dodging bullets by reflecting them to where they came from. Tony hunched over his left only to notice Pepper all fueled up with the extremis virus in her body. He hasn’t seen Pepper using it in a while, and well, to be honest, he hasn’t seen her using it ever since she learned how to control it. She looked like someone who knew what she was doing, better than Tony anyways. The current group of Avengers were clearly outnumbered, but that didn’t seem like much of a problem, not when you had Earth’s mightiest heroes all under one roof. Dead bodies with all kinds of weapons were piled up everywhere. Bucky took advantage of every single hand toxic pistol or pocket knife, whatever that looked functional from the bodies. He tossed some to Natasha and some to Steve. Bullet shells dropped onto the floor where he stood as he opened fire with one of Hydra’s rifle. Shooting was always his specialty anyways. Sam dodged everything that was aimed at him. “I’ve got your back.” Steve said as he covered Sam, who was trying to rush to the room where Tony kept his prototypes. He ran as fast as he could while Steve continued firing shots after shots to the Hydra goons. “Stark, this better friggin work.” Sam said as he put on the new wings. It was supposed to be powered with the same thing that powered Tony's armor, longer lasting and better efficiency. Not to mention how it now complied with Stark industries latest policy of being “Eco-friendly”, courtesy of its current CEO. When he turned it on, he clearly noticed an immediate difference. It was faster, slightly wobbly but he’ll get used to it. Sam carried Steve back to ground zero and fought together, side by side. They worked well as a team. “Retrieve the asset. Retrieve the asset.” Steve could hear a crisp, familiar voice across the place that he was standing. “Bucky.” He said. “Go to him!” Sam yelled. “I’m good!” Steve nodded, as a sign that he appreciated the fact that Sam understood what Steve had to do. He had to get to Bucky before Hydra does. If this is Hydra’s plan, Steve's going to make sure that they don’t succeed. He can’t let them take Bucky, not again. He looked onto his right, where he noticed a man with a mask over his face. “Stupid! You were made to serve us! Come with us this instance! “I don’t know you! And I surely don’t serve some punkass Nazi group!” Steve heard Bucky yelling. He ran as fast as he could to the brunette. “What have you done to him, Captain? Did you wipe him out, like we did?” The man looked at Steve, his eyes darting the worst possible stare, conveying abhorrence. Steve was uncomfortable with the way the man has used his words. He didn’t like how the man made Him sound as despicable as Hydra. “KNEEL, SLAVE!” “I’M NOT YOUR BITCH, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!” Bucky said as he aimed his weapon to the face of the masked man. The man just gave out a smug grin, his teeth glimmered through the empty space of the mask over his mouth. “кукольный.” The man didn’t shout, he didn’t enforce any trace of violence in his words. There was a certain kindness to his voice, a softness that seemed so pure and truthful. The reaction on Bucky’s face changed. He recognized it, his limbs shaking, trembling. One could only imagine the horror on Steve’s face when he saw the brunette struggling to keep his upright, firm posture. He saw Bucky putting down whatever armory he had in his hands and then lowering his body until his knees touched the flaky floor. “BUCKY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Steve yelled. Bucky didn’t answer. He looked back at Steve with some sort of unspoken fear, as if he was literally crying out for help. But no words escaped from his mouth. His sympathetic look was just a mirror to what he couldn’t say. “You can try to take away his memory of us. But you can’t take away what he was hardwired for, Captain.” The way the man had called out to Steve sounded eerily familiar. Steve’s jaw clenched, his fists curled up, ready to throw a punch at the monster that had hurt his Bucky right in front of him. He lunged forward, but he was pulled behind by two muscular figures. “Who the hell are you?” Steve asked. "Recognise me yet, Rogers?" he said as he took out his mask. His face was a bloody mess. His eyes were bloodshot, face scalded. His face looked like it had melted in flames and was patched up with poison plastic. His lips looked rubbery and his nose was disfigured. It was clearly the worst thing that Steve would have ever seen. It could have easily been classified as the utter definition of ugliness. “Did I change too much, Cap?” “Rumlow?” “LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME! LOOK AT MY FACE! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” Rumlow said as he stared right into Steve’s soul. “AND THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU KILLED HIM AS YOU WERE ORDERED TO!” This time his gaze shifted onto the small figure kneeling beneath him. Rumlow slapped Bucky. No, that wasn’t right. He slapped the asset. Hit it hard enough to make it fall over to its right. It didn’t retaliate. It just sat quietly, like a mouse, taking up the punishment as if that was its one and only duty. “Bucky…” Steve cried. The asset turned to meet its gaze with Steve. For an instance, Steve could have sworn that he saw Bucky, hidden behind the asset. “Get up, кукольный.” The asset rose up, but before it could make a full stand, it was pushed back down harshly by Rumlow. It got kicked in its stomach, in its face. The asset coughed, spurting out tiny droplets of blood to the white chalky floor. The red fluid gathered up specks of tiny dust and plaster that was accumulated on the floor. It agglutinated. Rumlow roughly pulled up the asset by holding the tip of his hair. Tears were formed around the asset’s eyes. It didn’t cry though. It remembered that crying is a form of weakness and Hydra doesn’t like weakness. Rumlow grabbed the asset’s neck and squeezed the bones hard enough to make it gasp for air. The sound of it choking recklessly accelerated every inch of adrenaline that Rumlow had in his system. But for Steve, it was something wholly terrifying and disgusting. Bucky could die right in front of him, without even putting up a fight. Its hands were trying to reach its neck, as if it wanted to break free, but it didn’t even make an effort to actually pull away Rumlow’s hand. It accepted its punishment. It’s eyes were rolling, only the sclera of its eyeballs were visible.It could die.Rumlow would have killed it there, but his orders were to bring it in alive. “Pathetic.” Rumlow said as he let go of the grip around the asset’s neck. It fell back onto the floor, hand resting its weight, coughing and taking in huge and deep breaths. “Bucky, you need to break through this! BUCKY!” Steve yelled. Rumlow walked up to Steve. He saw how furious Steve was. If glares could kill, then the look that Steve had in his eyes was the exact definition of it. He’d seen Steve being angry, but this, this wasn’t just pure anger, this is protectiveness. This is love. This is how Steve Rogers is when his precious little toy is being beaten up by Hydra right in front of his very eyes. Steve spat at Rumlow. Rumlow’s eyes closed when Steve’s saliva hit his skin. His hands wiped off whatever sticky fluid that was on his face with just one brush. Rumlow gripped Steve’s face, hurting his jaw, as if he was trying to break his bones. “You were always too pretty. Wait till I get your face skinned up all alive and use it as my very own.” His voice was deep. Rumlow punched Steve in his stomach while the two figures behind the blonde just held him tightly in position. Two whole punches was all it took to get Rumlow feel a small tugging by end of his pants, near his feet. “P-Please d-don’t hurt him. I’ll take his hit.” The asset was on its knees, much like in a beggar’s position as it looked up to Rumlow in the eyes. “Now would you look at that? You’ve come to save your petty little lover haven’t you?” Rumlow looked at the asset. He shook off Bucky’s grip from his legs before kicking him. “You think he loves you? Wait ‘till he hears about what a fucking slut you were. If I were him, I’d be disgusted.” Rumlow didn’t look back at Steve as he continued kicking the asset. “Not that you had a chance though, did you? You were just, simply following orders. Taking up every single dick like whore.” Rumlow placed his boots over Bucky’s head, pining it down against the floor. He pressed it hard enough to hear the sound skin rubbing roughly against cement. Its grey eyes matched those belonging to Steve. “It's so good having total control over something so deadly and feared, wouldn’t you agree on that Rogers?” “NNNGGGHHH…” was all what Steve did answer. “And you were such a perfect little pet. What a shame it all had to come down like this.” Rumlow took his leg from the asset’s face. He pushed it with the tip of his boot until the asset was facing the ceiling. “Let’s play a little game, shall we? Get up!” He barked out orders. The asset complied “Let’s give Captain Rogers a good show to watch.” The asset bent forward. “Break your lil’ finger. The one on your right.” The asset’s metal arm moved forward, pulled the little finger on his flesh arm and snapped it under a second. The sound of the finger breaking seemed so loud, so amplified, even if it was hidden under the symphony other things crashing and breaking, dying and suffering from across the hallway. Yet, the asset didn’t give out a cry and the expression on its face was dead. “Bucky!” “Break another one, slave.” The asset continued. “BUCKY YOU GOTTA STOP THIS!” “You don’t understand this do you, Rogers? He doesn’t want to do this, but he has to. You might have fixed him up, but he was with us for 70 years. You don’t think we’ve actually scrambled out everything in his mind? He will follow every single command that I place onto him. How should I make this clear for you? Hmmm… I know…. Pet, take this gun.” The asset took the pistol that was handed out to him. “Put it against your head, while your finger is inserted at its trigger.” Its body did as told. The mouth of the pistol marked a black circle of gun powder at its temple. “Look at him, Rogers. Just look at how weak and pathetic he is. Is this the person you loved?” “YOU TURNED HIM INTO THIS AND I SWEAR THAT I’LL GET YOU AND ALL OF FUCKING HYDRA FOR THIS!” Steve struggled with the grasp of the muscular figures behind him. “BUCKY! BUCKY! LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME, PAL! YOU CAN FIGHT THIS! I know you can… I need you to do this, for yourself. I believe in you… Please…” Steve's eyes sapphire blue eyes were greeted by the asset's very own pair. It remembers the small kid in the alley getting all bruised up and beaten, his nose bleeding and eyes swollen. It remembers how its heart melted for that one kid who was brave enough to fight off thugs that were clearly too big for him, standing up for what he believed in. It remembers the touches that the skinny kid placed onto its scarred body in a small rusty old house that they had called home. It remembers how it had loved the kid more than it loved itself and how keeping the kid safe was the only thing that it cared about. It remembers war and how leaving the kid behind almost killed its heart. It remembered how its heart longed to see its loved one, hoping that Steve, yes, that was his name, would be safe back home so that he didn't have to fight a bloody war. It remembered all the rushed touches in the woods behind their military camp when Steve became something so perfect and so close to it. It remembered how it had broke Steve's heart, just a two days before it fell into a ravine. It remembered the broken look on Steve's face. He remembers. The asset had tears in its smoky grey eyes again. It is prepared for death and all, but there was just something in it that didn’t want all of this. Something in it that was so human and wanted to gain control over its own body. Something that didn’t just want to watch all of this anymore. Its hand trembled. The gun started shaking vigorously, reddening the skin that was against it. Rumlow looked back at the asset. “кукольный,” he said. That was the word it was trained to respond to, but this time something was different and Rumlow noticed it too. The look in its eyes turned more humane in nature. “кукольный!кукольный!” he shouted repeatedly. The asset moved its hand from its head slowly and aimed it at the disfigured man that stood in front of him. “You wouldn’t dare.” Rumlow hissed. “He wouldn’t have. But I do.” Bucky answered. He moved the gun downwards and shot Rumlow at his legs. He didn't want to kill the bastard. At least not for now. Rumlow fell and cried out in pain. The two figures that kept Steve captive ran up to Bucky. Steve got hold of one while Bucky got hold of the other and broke his arm. “You okay?” Steve asked Bucky. Bucky nodded. He definitely wasn’t okay and the both of them knew it, but he needed to be alright for the moment, until they successfully fight off every single fucking Hydra soldier in their tower. “Behind you!” Bucky yelled. Steve turned and kicked the soldier in his face. Steve took hold of his weapon and used it against the rest that came after them. Bucky carried on fighting like nothing had happened. It was like the good ol’ days where the both of them were fighting Nazis and Hydra. “Commander down! Commander down! Retreat! Retreat!” The remaining soldiers backed off, leaving the building in chaos and full of the dead ones. Not one single dead body was taken back, Hydra wasn’t going to take in liabilities. “Don’t leave me you morons!” They left their precious little commander behind. He wasn’t much of a use anyway. Not when he couldn't get the job done. Not when he's right beneath the clutches of the avengers. Steve and Bucky were left with a bleeding Brock Rumlow on the ground. “Looks like they left you behind as a lil’ present for us.” Steve snickered. Bucky and Steve stood over Rumlow, blocking some light from reaching him. Even so, they still saw the horrified look on his face. He should be terrified, anyway. He was left with the two people in the world who want him dead and tortured the most. The two people he is silently afraid of. The two people who could actually do unimaginable things to him as revenge. Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Chapter End Notes кукольный - puppet. Now, this song seemed pretty random at first but I swear it makes total sense. Especially during the part where Bucky recovers from being the asset back to himself. I'm sorry I don't understand Where all of this is coming from I thought that we were fine I felt that this part really represented Steve when Bucky started succumbing to Rumlow's orders. Steve knew it was only a matter of time until of all this bliss would end, but deep down he thought that he fixed up Bucky. He didn't see how damaged Bucky really was and that all Bucky needed to fall into darkness again was just a trigger. Oh, tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us We're collecting dust But our love's enough You're holding it in You're pouring a drink No nothing is as bad as it seems We'll come clean No doubt it was their love that actually saved Bucky. The way Steve trusted him, Steve knew that Bucky was in there deep down and he didn't stop until Bucky brought out his true self. In the end, it proves, even when things are going bad, they're not as horrible as they see and you can still fix them if you actually tried hard enough. Also, spoiler alert - I'm planning to write some dark as hell thingies for the next chapter. And if you ain't into graphic descriptions of Bucky being bound and tortured, or Steve actually capable of doing things that are way off his moral code, you should avoid reading it. Or if you're trashy like me, stay tuned! :D I'd love to hear your comments! ***** Chapter 30 ***** Chapter Summary “St-Steve… I’m s-sorry… I’m sorry. Sorry. Please… Steve… Stevie… I’m sorry..” His eyes doesn’t run dry of tears, his lips getting all sore and puffed up, his cheeks turning crimson against the wet blotches of salty tears. He hides his head under his arms, his body all curled up in a ball. Chapter Notes TRIGGER WARNING: Please do not read this chapter if you're not into non-con. It's just me being trashy all over it. You have been warned. Also, there's mentions of rape, just minor descriptions of it. Just because the character blames the victim, that doesn't mean that I approve the notion. *HYDRA TRASH PARTY* Just to make it clear, the nightmare that Bucky steps into is like he's watching himself/the asset being used by Rumlow and his men. Song for this chapter is Love the Way you Lie by Eminem and Rihanna. x Just to avoid any confusion, the word It Refers to the asset, as in Bucky looking at the asset as a wholly different entity from himself while the word Him Refers to Bucky himself. Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Tony’s basement Present day Steve and Bucky walked into the underground basement, with the blonde staring right into Rumlow’s eyes. His hands and legs were tied to the chair, so that he couldn’t escape, and even if he actually did, Jarvis would have it on camera as he was supervised 24 hours, seven days a week. Rumlow did not look away, his eyes fixated on the ex assassin, trying to intimidate him as much as possible. Bucky didn’t look away either, he faced the figure, trying to prove that he’s not little or weak anymore, but Rumlow could see right through the bluff. The asset was still shaken from the way he had reacted earlier, and it made Rumlow give out a long wicked smile. “What brings you here, Captain oh, Captain? I’m pretty sure this ain’t one of your social visits. Not when you have a mass murderer by your side.” Bucky widened his eyes, his head turning to look at the reaction on Steve’s face, see whether the man in front of was telling the truth. And when he noticed Steve’s lips turn into a scowl, he knows that the man wasn’t lying. He knew he had to brace himself for the things he’s about to hear about his past. “Let me help you.” Steve said as he pulled up the chair, sat across Rumlow. His chest faced the back part of the chair, his legs separated by chair itself. Bucky stood by his side, his hand on the edge of Steve’s chair. “I don’t need your help.” Rumlow huffed out loud. “We used to be fighting side by side.” “I was supposed to make you trust me.” “Congratulations, you succeeded. Now I’m asking you to trust me, and this time, I’m not acting.” Steve said convincingly. “What do you want?” Rumlow looked at Steve. “Details. Everything Hydra has got planned. Their targets, their missions. Every fucking thing about them.” “And what’s in it for me?” “I’d let you live, for starters.” Bucky says from far across. Rumlow looked at Bucky as if he was trying to reassure himself that the asset was the one who had replied him just a minute ago. Rumlow rolled his eyes, smiled again after looking back at Steve. "Okay." Rumlow answered. “Give me something strong first so that we can move on with this deal.” Steve said. Rumlow looked up as if he was thinking about it. He nodded at Steve a while later. Steve pushed the laptop towards Rumlow. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” said Rumlow as he gave out a vicious smile. His fingers moved quickly, going into the Hydra server, using one of his co-workers credentials. He was pretty sure that his wouldn’t work anymore; HYDRA wouldn't let a liability like him to have access to their port. He turned the screen for both Steve and Bucky. “Watch.” Both Bucky and Steve paid their utmost attention to what was on play. It started with Pierce entering a building, that looked like a bank vault, Rumlow and some other Hydra agents following his footsteps. Bucky seems to be seated on the chair. His eyes staring into the distance. “Mission report.” The asset doesn’t answer. He just continues looking into the distance, processing certain thoughts in his mind. “Mission report, now!” Pierce raises his voice. He moves in closer and his hands strikes the asset hard in his face. “The man on the bridge…Who was he?” “You met him earlier this week on another assignment.” “I knew him.” This time Pierce moves closer and sits in front of the asset. He doesn’t try to intimidate it, he tries to be reassuring, just to make sure he gets the asset to listen attentively to his words. He knows how the asset’s biggest weakness is compassion. He knows that it’ll do anything for anyone who is able to pretend that they give a damn about it. Pierce’s eyes are as calm as the ocean on midday. He looks right into the asset’s eyes. “Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped this century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we’re gonna give it a push. But if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine, and HYDRA can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.” Pierce hopes it works. He doesn’t want to wipe the asset all over again. He hates the process of briefing him all over again, not to mention how the asset always makes a mess of his pants during the process. “But I knew him.” Damn. Pierce turns to the scientists. “It’s been out of cryo-freeze too long.” One of the scientists answered. Pierce sighed. “Then wipe it and start over.” The scientists strap the asset in its chair and then place a teeth shield in its mouth as they began the process of wiping its brain. They don’t want it losing its tongue, at least not anytime soon. “Nnngghhhhh… NNNNGGGGHHHH!!!!” The asset clenches the mouth guard in pain while everyone else just watches. It’s a usual sight for them now, especially when it’s in pain. They have learnt to just let it be, let it suffer. Tears form in its eyes. It doesn’t cry. It contains the tears like how it was always supposed to. “St- Ste… St-…” The asset stutters against the black, foreign object in its mouth. It’s pretty sure it remembers the man on the bridge, it’s seen him somewhere, seen him so many times. It’s sure about that now. It’s hands grip tightly against the chair that it was seated on. “St- Steve.” “Increase the voltage.” Knobs were turned after the head scientist said that out aloud. This time the asset’s eyes widened. The clenching of its teeth left some new indentations on the teeth shield. Its metal hand dug into the chair, sinking the rounded fingers tips underneath the metal sheath of the hardened cushion without damaging the restrains. Its body shakes violently, while white foam was forming in its mouth, covering the upper and the lower part of the mouth guard. It stops moving after a while, as if nothing had happened. Its grip loses its tension, its teeth reducing the pressure that it had placed earlier on the teeth shield. One tear fell right out from its right eye. It doesn’t understand anything. It just looked blankly at the scientists in front of it. A man was standing in front of it, looking at it with the kindest eyes it’s ever seen. “You’re here to help us. One last miss-... Aggressively, Bucky pulls the laptop towards him, takes it smashes it on the floor. He picks up the broken laptop and threw it on the floor harder again. Once he sees the laptop screen turning black, the glass factures and pieces of the keyboard on the floor, he moves closer towards Rumlow. His hand wraps itself around the man’s neck. “I. AM. NOT. WEAK.” Bucky said, his teeth clenching, his hand slowly trying to strangle the life out of him. “BUCKY!” Steve shouts. Bucky doesn’t immediately let his grip off of Rumlow, he takes his time. He doesn’t let go of eye contact. He wants to show Rumlow that he’s got the power now, the power over his life, the same way they had applied it on him. Rumlow chokes out, gasping for air when Bucky releases his hand. “You remember that, don’t you?” Rumlow continued with a smirk on his face, taunting Bucky. “Why you little...” Steve moved in front of Bucky, blocked him out of the way, in between the both of them. Bucky lifts his hand, as if he’s surrendering, and when Steve moves out of the way, Bucky aims a blow, a punch right at Rumlow's face. Bucky probably broke Rumlow’s nose, a few of his teeth too. Well, he was disfigured anyway, it wouldn’t make any difference, Bucky thought as he walks out of the door. Steve follows him, trailing his every footstep, closing the door of the basement behind him. He sat right next to Bucky on the chair that was in the lounge. Bucky covered his eyes, rubbed his neck and his forehead a little bit. He could feel that he was about to be hit with one of those terrible migraines he often gets when he’s too tired. “You okay?” Steve askes. “Yeah.” ~ Steve knows it’a lie. He realises it now, when Bucky’s trembling in bed, when he’s fast asleep and he’s crying out Steve’s name repeatedly. He knows that Bucky isn't okay, that he's only putting on an act so that the blonde wouldn't worry so much about him. It’s all blank when Bucky enters the empty room that was filled with white noise. He sees a man, whom at first he doesn’t remember, but the recognition that it is the same man he saw in Stark’s kitchen the other day, that it's the same creature being punished in the video that Rumlow showed to him and Steve in the basement, slowly filled up his mind again. He sees it tied up to a chair, its movements were strictly restrained. The assetdoesn’t try to break through. Bucky’s feels some sort of chillness climbing up his spine as the man looked right back at him. Bucky knows its identity now, he sees the resemblance. He can see the lost look in its eyes, the partially healed wounds that were scattered around its topless torso. He can feel the creature trying to cry for help, even when no words were exchanged between the both of them. He’s been here, Bucky understands that. He knows that he’s been on the chair before, and this time the asset being strapped onto it was no different. They were both the same person, if not wholly, at least they shared the same soul and physical essence. Slowly, things filled up the room, people in white lab coats seemed to walk around busily, buffed up men in weaponry were standing in front of his alter ego. He can hear soft voices calling out to his restrained self as the asset, as a puppet, as a slave. He tried walking through the crowds, he tried to pull away the soldiers. Bucky tries to call his own name out, he tries to push everything off the surgical tray that was that was placed next to his alter ego. It doesn’t work. He realised that he couldn’t do anything but just watch from where he’s standing. This has happened before and nothing could change this, not even the big man upstairs, if he chose to. The asset doesn’t complain when they put on the teeth shield over its mouth. It understands that Hydra doesn’t want it to be noisy when they prepare it for the mission. It closes its eyes as the metal patches were clamped against the temple of its head. Two more patches were strategically placed over his pecs. It starts screaming, spitting out the foreign object from its mouth when electricity passes through the metal structure, giving electrical surges in a long, continuous flow. Its hands was pressured down by the vibranium restrains, scarring it's flesh hand while causing scratches on its metal one. “SHUT UP!” Bucky screams at his alter ego. He screams the words repeatedly at the asset but nothing happened. It didn't stop wailing. He wants the asset to stop crying, because if it doesn’t stop, it’s going to get punished all over again. Bucky remembers what will happen if it continues crying, if it continues showing the trait of the weak ones.The asset kept on with the loud wails, its hand trying to break free from the restrains, pulling it hands away from the chair. “Please…Please… don't...” Bucky kneels as he begs his alter ego to stop with all the crying and its motives of trying to escape. He can feel the electricity jolting up his limbs even when he’s not physically in pain, even when he's not actually on the chair. He remembers the sensation; he remembers all the burning and the stinging. “How many times must we clean you up? I’m getting sick and tired of this.” Bucky hears a man, the same man that they have got in Stark’s dungeon. Rumlow cursed at the soldier. He was referring to wet stain of piss around the area of the asset’s groin. It lost control of his bladder again, twice in a row now, after it was wiped again after refraining from killing a child a week ago. “Pathetic.” Rumlow cursed at it. "Can't even control your bladder. Fucking baby." The asset looked puzzled, like an infant looking at its mother for the first time. Its face still wet from the tears and its lips all swollen. It looked up at Rumlow, seeking for attention and care, but what it got in return was stinging slap across its cheeks. “That was for crying,” said Rumlow. Rumlow was about to strike another blow before he was stopped by a distant voice. “Is it done?” The voice asked. This time another man walks in, a blonde, probably 10 years older than Rumlow. Bucky recognises the man, but he couldn’t recall his name. “Yes, sir.” Rumlow answers. “Release it.” The blonde man ordered. Immediately the restrains were open. The asset doesn’t move its hand away from the where it was held. It looks at its pants, it finally realises the mess it had made. It trembles a little, awaiting for its punishment. “What’s wrong pet?” The blonde man asks the asset. When it doesn’t reply, he moves his hands over its flesh one, rubbing it gently and looking at it with the most sympathetic eyes anyone could have ever seen. “You can tell me, pet.” “H-hurts.” The man turned over to look at the asset. His hand pulls its chin closer to him.“I can help you. I can stop the pain. I can help you learn from your mistakes.” The asset looked up at him with hope. It trusts the man. The asset looked at Bucky; as if he was trying to warn Bucky's own subconcious self to stop watching because it already knew what would await him, before returning its gaze back to the man in front of him. “All you have to do is to listen to my orders. Can you do that for me pet?” The asset nods its head. The man stands up, asks the asset to follow him to a locked room behind the chemicals shelve. The asset hungs his head low, that's his way of proving that he is lower than the other men in the room. They have freedom, and it doesn't. It's a slave; how is that not lower than anything else in the world? Bucky remembers. He knows who the man was. Pierce. Bucky doesn’t want to see this. He tries to cover his eyes, hoping that when he opens the again, he’d be next to Steve, beside his warm body and his gentle hand. But no, he was wrong, he was still in the room. He saw how the asset was kneeling on the floor, awaiting for its punishment. "They hurt me." The man had said. The asset looked at the blonde man, with innocence and nothing more. For some reason, the asset feels so attached to him. Maybe because he was nice to it, or maybe because the man reminded him of someone whom he could barely remember. It was as if the sound was already in his head. “It hurts me to do this to you, but I want you to know that I’m doing this because I love you. Because I want you to be able to complete all your missions so that we can bring order to the world. Because this is the only way.” “LIES! STOP IT! STOP IT!” Bucky shouts at Pierce but it was to no avail. No one heard his shouts. It was all in his mind, and he was merely like a ghost in a dream, where your actions don't matter, because you cannot change what has happened. The man holds him tight, plants a small kiss on his cheek while caressing its face. "I need you to make me feel safe again. You think you can do that for me?" the man asks the asset. The asset doesn't know what this feeling is called, but being touch-starved, its eyes closes, savouring the soft feel of the man's palm on its cheeks. Bucky knows that when he was the asset, he couldn't remember anything about his past, not even himself. But when it came to Steve, it was like he was hardwired for it. And to use that against him, to manipulate the fact that Bucky couldn't remember what Steve had looked like or felt like, anything that was just in slight resemblance to Steve would be enough to make the asset feel protective. Maybe that's how Alexander Pierce rose up to his ranks that fast. The way he looked when he was young, was almost like Steve himself and he used that to take total control over the asset like a lost little puppy. He didn't even need to use violence against the asset because some part of it still remembered, longed for Steve, even after everything its been through. “YOU ARE PATHETIC. YOU JUST LET HIM DO YOU LIKE THAT. USE YOU LIKE A TOY. WHAT WOULD STEVE THINK OF YOU, WHAT WOULD HE THINK OF ME?!” Bucky cursed at the asset. Bucky looked at the asset, its eyes still wet from the pain it felt from before as he kneels on the floor in front of Pierce. The asset was well built and strong, yet it looked defeated, as if it were begging for at least a little bit of sympathy for what it has been put through. The asset just fluttered its eyes, some of the tears sticking onto the brown lashes. It looked up at Pierce who was already unlocking the door. "Promise me you'll do what they say." The man patted his left cheek gently, before swatting it with his bare palms. The slap stinged the asset. “Rumlow!” Pierce called out. Brock came into the room, his eyes prying over the fucked up creature in the middle of the room. “I want you to break him.” “As always?” Rumlow asked. “Just don’t be too gentle. I want him to learn his lesson.” “My pleasure.” And Bucky knows what they mean when punishment and lessons are crucial for the asset. To train its obedience, it has to go through intense levels of pain. They never treated the asset as if it were a person. It was merely, a tool for their cause. It starts with waterboarding, where they push the assets head into cold water filled up in a basin, not letting him breathe. And when its close to drowning, they pull up its head for a second, just enough for a small grasp of air, to allow it to live. Sometimes they will tie it in a chair and make sure droplets of water are dropped on its head, repeatedly. If the Chinese invented the use of water for torture, the French invited silence. At times they will put it in an isolated room, and that would last for days. when you do not have contact with human, it can drive you mad, you know.People would do anything to not be alone without anything. At first your mind wanders, and then it slowly gives you this realisation that you're all alone. And it will scare you. The asset was always on a leash, his mouth covered with a muzzle. If Captain America wore a helmet for safety, then the Winter Solder wore a muzzle for anonymity. They didn't care if it had hurt its head, its welfare was least cared for anyway. It was only important that the Winter Soldier remained the myth that it was, a ghost whose identity is unknown, yet is feared in the spy community. Electricity was no friend of the asset either. Apart for using it to fry his brains out, they use it on his body muscles. It's almost a surprise how the asset doesn't flinch anymore when it hears them turning the knob to increase the voltage. It only shakes vigorously, like in some sort of epilepsy whenever the current passes through its body. And when it pisses itself, because lets be honest, no one can fucking control their bladder when 10mA or more current is passed through your body, they just let it be like that. It becomes a game of verbal amusement of how he's so weak that he can't even hold it in, and thats what kills the asset's emotions or sympathy. And sometimes they choke him, they constrict his airways so badly that it starts to to tear up and almost faints. But before it losses full consciousness, they will let it breath only to repeat the process over and over again. Sometimes the Hydra goons use their hands and pin the asset against a wall, sometimes they tie it up in a chair specially designed for this sort of torture. But the result, it was almost the same. To show how meaningless its life was, and how weak the asset was in comparison to them for not fighting back, because if the asset ever did fight back, it will surely will kill them off within minutes and that too, almost effortlessly. But, nothing was worst than when Rumlow and his cronies locks it up in a basement, all tied up in chains. They know about how Steve and Bucky were a thing back then, because after brainwashing the asset several times, it finally could tell whatever it was that Bucky did with Captain America. Yet the act of hitting it mercilessly and even stabbing or shooting parts of it body, was nothing compared when they would degrade the asset to just a mere toy for their pleasure whilst calling out degrading names. "No wonder Captain Star Spangled Banner kept you as his bitch too. You've got a mouth prettier than a girl and use it better than most of them. Besides, you're always warm and tight. Which man wouldn't like a whore like you huh?" And that was just the tip of the iceberg. And Bucky doesn't react very well to the men using his old self like that. He hates them, hates them so much. He doesn't want this. He didn't ask for this. He never wanted to be broken down to a mere plaything, only to be used up by the same people he fought against during the war. He never asked to be torn apart over and over again, only to be put back together to become a monster. He never asked for any of this. “St-Steve… I’m s-sorry… I’m sorry. Sorry. Please… Steve… Stevie… I’m sorry..” His eyes doesn’t run dry of tears, his lips getting all sore and puffed up, his cheeks turning crimson against the wet blotches of salty tears. He hides his head under his arms, his body all curled up in a ball from the corner where he was watching the men treat his past self. He hates how he’s filthy and used up. He hates how when Steve was frozen under, he was just the asset and he was servicing their enemies, the same people they have fought against. He hated how he lost control over his own self. “For-forgive me Stevie.. Please..” Bucky only wakes up from the nightmare after he hears Steve’s voice echoing through his mind. He wakes up trembling, shaking. Panting so fast and gasping for air. Saying out Steve's name and asking for his forgiveness like it was a mantra, like a recording that was on repeat. He knows that if Steve was in his shoes, Steve wouldn't have lost, and Steve wouldn't have sucking those men off. He feels that he's betrayed Steve, eventhough he didn't deliberately do it, even when he didn't have a choice. When Steve asks him to tell him about the nightmare, after he's gotten a grip of himself, Bucky just keeps quiet. He says it’s nothing big. He wipes the tears that had ran down his physical face now that he's awake. He doesn’t let Steve touch him. He pushes away the gentle touches. He doesn’t want Steve anywhere near his disgusting, defiled little body. Not now at least. ***** Chapter 31 ***** Chapter Summary “Oh God... Bucky... what have you done to yourself?” Steve poured water over the scars, and Bucky didn’t flinch. He sat quietly as he stared into Steve’s eyes, his eyes squinting a little, his lips forming a broken smile. Chapter Notes Song for this chapter belongs to Labrinth and Emily Sandequot - Beneath your beautiful This chapter is dark, like pitch black dark. Please don't read if you're not into Bucky hiding his vulnerable emotions and thoughts from Steve, or the idea of Bucky getting involved with self harm. x See the end of the chapter for more notes You let all the girls go Makes you feel good, don't it? Behind your Broadway show I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me" You've carried on so long You couldn't stop if you tried it. You've built your wall so high That no one could climb it, But I'm gonna try Would you let me see beneath your beautiful? Would you let me see beneath your perfect? Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy I wanna see inside Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight? Avengers Tower Present day. Bucky took out the box of cigarettes that he got from Wade. The taste of the paper is different, his tongue was able to tell the vast difference of the rolling paper used in the forties from the one that he has got in his mouth. Nevertheless, he lits it up with a match stick, covering the flame with his other hand so that the flame wouldn’t be put off by the light breeze that was slowly caressing his forehead. He craves the feeling of forgetting everything. He craves the feeling of wanting to be free all again. Bucky knows how to pretend in front of Steve. Eat your food, make some jokes. He lives by those words because he knows Steve will notice the smaller things now, after the war. Steve turned into the person he remembers, the overprotective boy who’d do anything to stand up for his will, that’s the kid from Brooklyn that he has loved with his entire heart. And there was literary nothing Bucky wouldn’t do for him. He takes in a long, deep breath. Inhaling as much smoke that he can take in at one time. But it’s times like these that really takes things into a whole new level. When all he could think of was no longer about kissing or hugging Steve, but merely the reasons why he shouldn’t let Steve love him. He knows he doesn’t deserve the blonde, but he’s too selfish to let go. It’s his Steve, and he is supposed to be Steve’s. It’s not supposed to be all 100 ways of fucked up emotions, knowing that he isn’t as good as his beloved, perfect lil' Stevie. And that has always been one of his flaws. His legs shift from being all the way down to a more relaxed position, his left leg across the right one while his right hand is the one that’s pressing the cigarette onto his lips after he pulling it away to let out the smoke from his lungs. It wasn’t as good as it used to be, it wasn’t the same kind of quality. But he’s not smoking for the pleasure of enjoying the finer aspects of life, but merely to help depress his mind a little. Help it slow down the racing thoughts that were, ironically, killing him slowly. His flesh hand lets him feel the texture, even if it isn’t as superior as the metal one. He has let his fingers curl against the rounded, soft cylinder, rubbing the paper, feeling the pores in it as if it were truly alive. Rumlow. He takes in a puff stronger, deeper than the first one, filling his lungs with the poison. He’d rather die due to the poison that he puts into his body himself, rather than losing to the one that was pumped in by Hydra. He’ll fight them, make sure that they don’t get him. He’ll do it for himself, or maybe for Steve at least, cause Steve deserves that from him. Winter soldier. The asset. Nothing but a weapon. Another puff goes in. It comes out fast like water spurting out of a jet. He hears the door closing, the sound as soft and quite as the night itself. He hears footsteps, and he instinctually knows that it is Steve. The way Steve walks is hardwired into his mind, the way he places his feet, the intensity of the steps that he lays onto the floor, the timing between each step. Bucky doesn’t stop smoking, he’d hide the half used up cigarette away if his mind was still strong, but he was already high enough to let go of everything, to let it be the way that it already was. He doesn't feel the urge to hide this from Steve anymore. He'll let Steve know that he's broken and torn apart, and maybe, just maybe, it'll be enough to push to Steve leave him alone and stop trying to fix everything that can't be put back together again. Steve walks until he reached out of the balcony, the door was open and the slow breeze was blowing the curtain in and out of the path. He knew that Bucky would be there, the brunette had always had a thing for the outdoors and the coldness of the night, made him calmer than the ocean on a sunny day. The stench of cigarettes burning filled up Steve’s nostrils, a smell that he had hated, a smell that he still dislikes, because it reminds him of his days fighting asthma, reminds him of times when things were rough and how Bucky pused them to push himself away, distancing himself from everything. Bucky knows that Steve’s next to him, the round blue eyes were staring boldly at him. The wrath of the blonde man radiates through his body language, his hands on his hips, his lips mouthing something so harsh which Bucky doesn’t pay attention to. He’s focused on the roll of cigarette that was slowly blocking out all of his senses. His eyes tightly shut, enjoying the bliss of having nothing to worry about. He feels the cigarette being pulled away from his lips. And it was only after realising its absense that he reopens his eyes again, watching Steve throwing the cigarette away to the ground below from the edge of the balcony after putting of the flame by pressing it under his booted feet. He saw Steve taking the packet of cigarettes and walking away with it, Bucky doesn’t know what Steve does with it. The blonde probably threw it into the trash in a hope that Bucky wouldn’t touch it anymore. Steve comes back in front of Bucky, who’s head was tucked in between his shoulder and his legs. “Bucky? Bucky... Let’s go in. It’s cold here.” And when the brunette doesn’t give a response, Steve tugs him by the hand, pulling him towards the room. Bucky shakes Steve’s hand off, like a child throwing a tantrum when he doesn’t get his favorite candy. “Buck.” Bucky lifts his head up. He knows what he should do now, to keep Steve away from him, making Rogers to go away, leaving the brunette alone like how he deserves to be. Steve pauses a weak smile when Bucky stands up. He didn’t expect a punch being thrown towards his torso. He takes up the blow without complaining, calling out to Bucky again, asking him to stop it and to come with him. But this time, Bucky didn’t stop at one punch. He pushed Steve away, hitting him harder each time. Steve doesn't retaliate, his body being pushed backwards everytime he got hit by Barnes. If this is Bucky letting out his rage, his anger, his frustration, Steve wouldn't mind being a punching bag just to help him get better. “Come on, hit me back. Do it, I know you want to do it.” Steve doesn't fight Bucky at first, but being pestered non-stop, Steve gives in and accepts the invitation, fights back each hit with one that was well aimed to hurt the brunette back even more, just like how Bucky wanted. Bucky was stronger, his metal arm was a clear advantage, but him being just as foggy as mist due to the cigarette, he was losing. He was letting Steve win. Thud. Steve got him easily pinned down near his workstation, the winter soldier’s back against the wooden structure. Bucky stopped fighting but his eyes were clearly staring into Steve’s. The blonde’s hands were raised up high in the air above them, ready to hit and crit the prey that was beneath him. “Hit me. Please. Just hurt me.” Bucky mouths at Steve. The look on Steve’s face isn’t vengeful anymore, it portrays one of shock and dismay. “Buck…” “Just do it, please.” “No.” His answer is short and firm. His voice strong and affirming. Deep and calming. Full of confidence, so much like Pierce. Bucky tries to get back at Steve but the blonde pins him down good. Bucky can’t move, his limbs are constricted, not by Steve, but by the very thought of how similar all of this seems, how Rumlow used to pin him down before having a go at him. He can feel it, deep in his bones, telling him how the asset I s ready for this. Steve moves closer until his mouth is right near Bucky’s neck, his breath leaving the cold neck bruised with hot streaks. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” Bucky hates those words, he can remember Pierce telling him that every time he’s bent over a counter. “I love you. I will never hurt you.” Stop. Don’t do this. "I want you Steve." Bucky said, his mouth trembling a little, knowing fully well that this is the last thing he needs now. But true to the words he uttered, he loved how Steve placed a kiss on his forehead, like how a parent would to his child. So protective. His hand is holding Bucky's head so softly, the huge palms being so gentle against his temple. Please stop. Bucky doesn’t say anything. His lips are sealed by his own free will. He hates how divided he feels, wanting Steve to leave him alone and forget all of this, or wanting Steve to hold him like this forever, never letting go. He hates how all those slow kisses across his cheeks remind him of Hydra. But if he asks Steve to stop, Steve will stop. Steve’s like that. Steve wouldn't do this if he knew. If only he knew how bad it hurts. No words come out of his mouth even when Steve’s hands rolled up his shirt, pulling it over his head while still maintaining some authority over Bucky. The brunette says nothing when Steve’s fingers touches his body, burning every inch of the skin underneath with the memories of all those strange, unrecognised hands over him. Bucky feels it. He can still feel everything they did to him, as if those fucking bastards from the labs were the ones touching him now, even when he's fully aware that they're not here, and he's safe with the one person he trusts more than his own self in this world. He lets out soft whimpers when Steve's touching his scarred, damaged skin as if he was made of glass. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down, terrified. Please don’t do this. You don't want this. You don't want him to do this to you. Steve’s lips touches his skin. The blonde’s moist tongue circling his right nipple in a nice and slow rhythm, making it hard. He blows over the wet spot, letting the cool air sting the brown aureoles a bit more before proceeding to the other one on his left. Bucky lets out a soft whimper. Bucky can feel the table marking a horizontal line at his back, marking across his spine. But it doesn’t hurt as much as the soft kisses that are now peppered onto his skin. Steve is soft, as gentle as can be. The blonde doesn’t see how Bucky is struggling between tears, not when Steve’s focused at something else. His hands slide down the older man’s body smoothly, caressing the muscles that’s been built up over the years. You're filthy and you're letting him love you. It's not fair for him, and you know that too. The words kept playing on and on in his mind and they hurt as bad as the touches that Steve's placing all over him. Steve’s calling out his name every now and then, telling him how much he loves him, telling him how important James Buchanan Barnes is to him, telling Bucky that no one is gonna hurt him anymore. But Bucky doesn't feel the same. He hears voices, and they weren't those belonging to his Steve, but it's Pierce, who's telling him all those things about love. Every word that is uttered by Steve’s mouth keeps transforming to Pierce’s as if behind the mask of Steve Rogers lies the great Alexander Pierce. "I need you, Steve." Bucky lies again. Maybe it wasn't a lie, if deep down he really wanted it, right? Steve grabs hold of Bucky’s trousers, unbuckles the belt. The noise reminds him of the same belts being pulled down from different people. The same belt that was used to hit him for the sheer fun, leaving him with sore marks. Steve pulls the black slacks down as slow as possible, causing the material of the trousers to brush against the pale thighs. Bucky feels vulnerable, open. Slut. No. Whore. Stop. You’re not supposed to enjoy this. Please. You think he wants you? He says he loves me. You’re not the person that he wants. But I love him. Stupid. The voice stops haunting when Steve’s mouth is over his cock, his lips engorging itself around the head, slowly sucking and making him hard. “Please st-…,” he couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. He couldn’t ask Steve to stop, because a part of him wants this, he still loves being close to Steve, but not now. If he tells Steve to stop, Bucky will never have this ever again, and that was one thing that he was truly afraid of. Steve’s good at it, he gets Bucking panting within a few minutes, the brunette’s hand is placed over Steve’s shoulder. When Steve bobbed his head faster, the blonde could feel fingernails digging into the left side his skin, rounder pressure points by Bucky's left arm on the right side of his skin. The asset’s eyes are wet with nearly invisible tears as he came in Steve’s mouth. His body trembling as Steve pulled his cum filled mouth away from Bucky’s member. Steve swallows it, picking up any excess cum that dribbled down his chin, the little drip that ran alongside Bucky’s shaft with his fingers. He takes it all in. Bucky doesn’t stop shaking, he knows he wasn’t supposed to cum, because Hydra will punish him. His heart rate became faster, his body sweating profusely. “Hey..” Bucky hears Steve calling out to him. He looks at Steve, his body doesn’t stop shaking, his hands that were off Steve’s shoulder were now holding the table with a hard grip. Steve’s hand reaches Bucky’s shoulder blades, gently pulling him, lifting him a little, just enough for him to get down on his own two feet so that the both of them can lay down on the bed together. The warmth of Steve's body was always so comforting ever since Rogers got the goddamn serum, so perfect, too good for Bucky... ~ Steve only wakes up two hours later, his arse facing the ceiling and his hand under Bucky’s pillow. The spot next to him was empty, cold even. He turned around, noticing the light coming from the bathroom. The door was slightly ajar. When Bucky doesn’t come back within 10 minutes, Steve wakes up, his hand pulling the boxers up again to properly cover his chiseled arse. “Oh God…Bucky!” Steve's voice echoes throughout the whole room. He sounded desperate, shocked, worried. There was shattered glass from the bathroom mirror all over the wet floor. The older man had broken the glass when he had stared into the reflection, hating the image, the disgusting trash that was painted on mirror. Slight traces of blood were on some of the glass that was still left on the wall, he's punched the mirror with his right hand, Steve thought. Two more drops were on the sink, perfectly round and beautifully staining the marble white wash basin. The toilet reeked of stale vomit. The fact that Barnes let himself wallow in the smell of his own mess disturbed Steve. The soldier was still clutching his stomach, as if it still hurts. He remembered what piss tastes like in his mouth, the acrid, pungent smell. He remembered what dirt feels like, after licking boots belonging to several men, all clean with his tongue. It doesn’t matter now anyway, but he thought of having something so vile between his tongue made him force out whatever he had left from yesterday’s early dinner. Bucky promised to himself that he'd apologise to Steve for letting them to use him like that, only to use the same mouth to pleasure Steve. Maybe, he'll even say sorryto Steve for not fighting them back every time they made him do things that he didn't want to. Water was still running freely on the floor. When Steve touched the metal arm, it was freezing cold. He was sure that Bucky feels it too, he would have definitely felt it, after Tony turned on the feeling's receptors of his arm. The scars on his skin were fresh. There was no telling how many times Bucky scratched himself until he was bleeding lightly all over. The blood was supposed to clot, but with his cells being unstable, the platelets didn’t work as they should have. Small cuts like these should have healed so long ago, Steve tried to piece how the big cuts could heal but the small ones were just lying around. He was no doctor, but he was pretty sure that it was because something to do with Hydra's version of the serum that's causing his cells to malfunction. It's all Hydra's fault that he's hurting like this, it's their fault that he's suffering. “Oh God... Bucky... What have you done to yourself?” Steve poured water over the scars, washing away small lines of blood. Bucky doesn't flinch. He sat quietly as he stared into Steve’s eyes, his eyes squinting a little, his lips forming a broken smile. “Tr-tried to g-get myself clean, all cl-cleaned up f-for you.” Chapter End Notes Oh God, this song is so beautiful that i feel like I want to smite myself. I chose this song because the moment Steve tries to fix him up, Bucky just breaks down even worse. Steve tries to see beneath all those layers of walls that Bucky is trying to build, but clearly it just doesn't do both of them any good. Bucky's carried on so long, but he's breaking down because no matter how strong a person is, everyone has their limits, and that includes James Buchanan Barnes. They say that the strongest ones break the worst, so, true to his character, Bucky is indeed strong, that's why he took so long to break down. ***** Chapter 32 ***** Chapter Summary But Steve and Bucky made the best combination of all. Steve got Bucky carried on his shoulder while the brunette rested his body comfortably against Steve’s torso. His fingers were in position to fire the rifle that was tangled in his hand at any moment that he saw a threat, any figure that reminded him of his past. Steve was brought down to the ground when his leg was shot by someone.The pain was stinging his entire body, he kept on moving until he couldn't bear the pain of the wound trying to heal itself, as the bullet was still embed beneath his skin. He eventually dropped Bucky to the ground, causing Bucky’s uncovered skin to peel off after the rough floor scratched against his tanned skin. The blonde was already trying to stand up when Bucky noticed a red laser being aimed to Steve’s chest. STEEVVEEEE!!!! BEHIND YOU!!! LOOK OUT! Chapter Notes The song for this chapter is If I Die Young by The Band Perry x See the end of the chapter for more notes If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song Present day Basement, Avenger’s Tower Steve pulls the duvet over Bucky’s abdomen, the silky material covering up the ex-assassin’s bare body. It would have felt soft, Steve thought, Steve himself used to bask in the luxury of having something so delicate and comfortable between his skin when he was trying to sleep. He takes one last glance at Bucky, making sure he’s truly asleep, with the help of Banner’s extra strong tranquilisers; that were usually used for the other guy. He’s calm when he’s sleeping. Steve closes the door tightly shut, rather gently though. Just careful enough not to wake the brunette up. He knows that there’s a promise he’s made to himself, that he’ll get revenge for what they’ve done to him. Because that’s the least he can do to make it up to him. “They can’t hurt you, Buck. They can’t. I promise.” “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Stevie.” There was some truth in what Bucky had said to Steve that day when Steve tried to calm him down after a terrible nightmare. He felt guilty at that moment, but he understands that if he can't protect Bucky forever and getting back at Hydra for what they've done to him is the least that he can do now. He walks down the corridor, with fast-paced footsteps that lead him down to the basement of Stark’s Tower. His eyes are adhered to the dark, hunched-over figure. Rumlow sits up properly, his body in a good posture. His eyes, meeting those of Steve’s. He isn’t afraid. He’s befriended the captain for so long now, and he’s sure that Steve Rogers would never break any of his virtues;little did he know that Steve doesn't have any stands when it comes to Bucky. ~ Steve’s on the chair, sitting on it backwards, his hands wrapped around the the acrylic surface. He’s facing the smug grin on Rumlow’s blood plastered lips, hating the fact that the handcuffed man that he has beaten up for the last 20 minutes has yet to break down. “You done yet, Captain?” “It’s just the beginning, Brock.” The expression that Rumlow has got on his face doesn’t actually reside, the smile grows wider instead. He rolles his eyes, licking the blotch of blood like a viper sliding its tongue over its skin. His cold blooded demeanor sticks on right with him, accompanying his reptile-like molten face. It suits him though, in a peculiar way. Steve doesn’t think of hurting him anymore, he’s waiting, watching like an eagle looking out for its prey. “You left me down here for a week, you didn’t visit me after that. Proves you have no need for me. But here you are, today, so desperate in front of me.” Rumlow taunts the good ol' Captain with a long smirk. “Ya right. You keep telling yourself that, Rumlow.” Steve answered. Steve understands that Rumlow knew what was racing through the blonde's mind, but Steve was never in fact going to give that monster the opportunity to knowing that he was right. “You think I don’t know that you’re here cause we had hurt your lover, or should I call him your very own cocksucker? Wanting to avenge the things we’ve done to him that caused him to break down like that on that day?” Steve’s hands were itching to get the blunt knife that was on the table. His legs were fidgety. No one ever talks about Bucky like that, no one, ever. Eyes are focused elsewhere, on the table. “Or maybe,maybe, he’s breaking down, over and over again. Must have been so painful to watch your loved one to go down to such a level.” Steve stands up abrubtly, his hands forming into a firm, steady box and punching it directly into Rumlow’s face. And when Rumlow’s body jerks backwards due to the force Steve’s placed onto him, the blonde poses another blow right into Rumlow’s stomach. The brunette spurts out blood, coughs it out like it was as bitter as bile. “You should have heard him though. Crying out your name when he was in pain, when we put all those needles into his body, when we got his memory wiped over and over again once he remembered who he was, or even when we were fucking him right against the walls. Calling out to Steve, Steve like the cheap whore that he already was.” Rumlow grins. “YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” Steve picks up the knife without any hesitation, slams it across Rumlow’s hand that were cuffed against the table. There was no blood, no messy spills of any sort. Steve didn’t hit any of Rumlow’s fingers with that knife, only making a thin sliced hole in the centre of the table. “Good shot.” Rumlow says. He thought Steve wanted to scare the guts out of him, but as usual, he assumed that Rogers was far much more nobler than that. “I missed.” Steve looked over Rumlow’s shoulder, rolling his eyes. Steve takes out the knife, throws it against the ground. Rumlow looks at the weapon that could have punctured his hand, a mere household kitchen knife. He smiled cunningly. “Bet you can do better than that.” "If this is what you want, I’ll give it to you. Just remember, that you asked for it, Brock.” Steve punched him, right in his jaw. He probably broke a tooth or two. Rumlow coughed out blood, spat out a tooth far into the distance of the room. He smiled again, this time his teeth was covered in maroon red blood. Steve didn’t care whether it was fair to fight a chained and unarmed man. He’s willing to forgo what he believes in for Bucky, because he knows it’ll be worth it in the end. Breaking his virtues presented Steve the satisfaction of getting redemption of failing the one thing that he had cared about the most in the world. The knife that once missed The scarred fingers had now penetrated Rumlow's shoulder. His thighs and his shin were not left out by the sharp blade. Steve took his pleasure in watching Rumlow burn in pain. ~ It’s when he hears a knock on the door, that Steve actually stops hitting, stops hurting him. Rumlow’s all bloody, he’s no longer chained to the table anymore. He’s sat up by the corner, hair rubbing against the blood stained wall. Steve turns around, the door knob’s twitching, revealing Tony Stark with a serious look on his face. “Fury’s on the line. He wants to talk to all of us.” “I thought he was in Europe.” Steve replies, eyebrows raised, hands wiping the blood onto a simple rag that Stark had just handed to him. “He says it’s urgent, something Hydra-related.” Both men looked at Rumlow who was still smiling ear to ear. “Go first, I’ll be right behind you.” Steve said. Tony nodded, understanding what Steve had meant. He walked out of the door first, leaving Steve with Rumlow in his hands. The door closed, but Steve still remained firm like a statue in front of Rumlow. When Steve didn’t hit him, Rumlow spoke up. “He didn’t hesitate you know. To jump when you fell. Even when he didn’t remember who you were to him. He stood by you even when he didn't even know his own name, like a loyal dog following its master. Doesn't it bother you that you didn't do the same when he was the one falling?" Steve's has thought of it before, that, in a way, he has betrayed Bucky. He didn’t answer Rumlow what the brunette had said to him. He knew Rumlow didn’t lie about that Bucky actually diving through an ocean to save Steve. Because if there was someone so brave and reckless at the same time, someone other than Steve himself, it would be Bucky. His Bucky. After all, Bucky was the one who took away all of Steve’s stupid with him. He left Rumlow to bleed, let him feel what Bucky would have felt, even if not wholly, he would still suffer. Every drop of Rumlow’s blood spilled was to avenge what had been done to Bucky, every punch he aimed, was to make sure Rumlow felt every single time he had hit Bucky.He watched, he looked right into him. Steve knew that he was better this, that he would have never done this, if it weren’t for Bucky. But he couldn’t let bullies walk free, not when they’ve hurt Bucky, which, in a way, had meant that they were hurting Steve himself. Steve's never given up fighting against people who've hurt him, and to prove it, Steve has never back down from a fight, except with Bucky on the helicarrier that day.If he was overprotective before this, with the serum in his system, this trait of his was now amplified, especially towards the only person who’s stood by him all those years. He watched as life was drained out of Rumlow’s beast-like body.there was no sign of remorse on the blonde's face. Emotionless. Steve followed Tony into his conference room after being contented. The rest of the avengers were already there, Bucky included. He was seated next to Sam. They stared at Steve, looking at him from head to toe, seeing patches of blood all over his white shirt, the stench of blood filling up his body. They don’t say anything. “What’s he doin’ here?” Steve asks, pointing towards the ex-assassin. Bucky was supposed to rest, get some medically induced sleep because that’s the only way all those nightmares wouldn’t hurt him. “I called for him. We need him.” A voice approached them from the telescreen. “ You’re gonna use him, like the way you use us to clean up all the messes from this world?” Steve questions the man in the screen, Nicholas Fury. “Steve.” Bucky looks at him. “Let him talk.” Steve kept quiet and looked right back at Fury. “What’s it?” “I’ve gotten information from a reliable source that there will be a security threat to the president of the United States. Tomorrow, there will be a universal United Nations conference at the White House, with the highest authorities of the organisation. My source claims that many of them are involved in Hydra, that they are holding important positions in Hydra." Everyone looked at each other and then at Steve. They then looked back at Fury. “Even if we take them down, only new leaders will rise up and take over their places. So why does it matter anyway?” This time it was Clint who asked the question. “Currently, every key, important figure in Hydra is attending this meeting, there’s a really good chance that we can actually get rid of Hydra once and for all, and maybe wipe off their sleeper cells without a trace.” “Is it a reliable source?” Steve questions. The last thing that he needs right now is to follow some wild ass rumor and put his whole team into jeopardy. “Let’s just say, he’s never been wrong.” “How do we know who’s the one, who's involved with Hydra?” Wade stands up. “I’ll know. Let me go in, and I’ll point out all those working for Hydra. I might be slightly off, but I sure as hell can remember their faces.” Bucky raises his hand like a school boy trying to say out his opinion. “No ! This is crazy! I’m not letting them use you as a bait!” Steve yells across the room. “This is my decision Steve, not yours. I have every right to choose what I want to do.” ~ “This is so wrong Buck. I can feel it.” Steve sat down by the bed that night, his weight causing obvious creases on the mattress. His eyes are covered by his huge palms, hiding out any source of light from outside of their pitch black room. He rarely disagrees with plans of going against evil, but ever since Bucky fell, he's always a lil' cautious when his conscience speaks. He's learnt to give some spacefor his gut to express itself now. He only trusts Bucky with his worries, well, and that is if he actually even talks about it in the first place. Bucky walks closer to the blonde, kneels in front of him and pulled his hands away from covering his face. Barnes' eyes are staring right into Steve’s blue ones. For once, Bucky can see how those calm eyes were as wild as a storm, hiding all kinds of insecurities. “Steve you need to understand, this is the only way that we can get through Hydra’s cell. I’m the only one who can infiltrate their system. I know them like the back of my hand. We might never get a chance like this anymore if we let this one time go.” “But… there’s always another way. We don’t have to do this, Buck. I don’t want to lose you. Not again.” “Steve, I’ve waited my entire life to fix all the sins I’ve committed, innocent lives that I’ve taken. We both know that the things that I’ve done ain’t pretty. But you know what, I’m willing to take any chance to make all right again.” If we get Hydra down, just succeed in everything this time and make sure that we don’t leave any traces of those bastards behind, we don’t have to do this anymore. It’ll be over and we can be together again, like the good ol’ days. “Now, get some rest, Stevie. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. We will need everything that we have to make sure that this goes down right.” Bucky said as he placed a soft kiss on Steve’s forehead, giving Steve enough view of the eye bags on the brunette’s face, eye bags that were partially healing. He’s been through days without sleeping, but he's still as strong as ever. He doesn't deflect from the motherly persona that he took upon after Sarah Rogers died, a mother who'd sacrifice anything for her son. ~ “Tony, did you get the blueprints?” “Bitch please, I did my homework.” Tony said as he handed a huge printed architecture design of the White House to Steve. This was it, the final battle. The thing that will either bring Hydra down to flames or cause Steve to lose everything that he had been fighting for ever since he got the serum. The fight that he will reminisce about his entire life, or the event that will be known for being a waste to all the effort that he's made for the past few months. Combined with all the other information that he has tortured from smaller Hydra goons that the avengers have captured from all the busts that they were involved with after hearing from Fury, everything that he needed was already in his hand. “Good job, Stark.” He nodded, he approved. All the avengers surrounded the table where the layouts were spread on. Steve took the lead as usual, he always did, because no one could do tactics like him. “Sam and Clint, I want the both of you on the top of the building, you guys are in charge of informing us of any incoming dangers.” Steve gave out his first orders. “And make sure you guys get a bird’s eye viewof everything.” Wade interrupted. His jokes were always successful in diffusing any sort of tension that raised among the avengers. “Can we stop with the puns and actually go back to the plan, guys?” said Strange. “Right. Nat, Wanda help us get in. Wade, you’re in charge of weapons. You take Spidey with you. Tony and Rhodey join up with Strange and Vision. You guys are supposed to take down all the targets that Bucky mark. Pietro you're up as usual, you do what you need to do and Bruce, you’re in charge in making sure that no one leaves the exit. ” “You wanna call Thor for back up?” Sam asks. “Good idea, Wilson. He can stand on ground with Bruce. ” ~ Natasha is the best at undercover. She knows everything from acting all innocent and child-like to acting as a woman, a seducer who cannot be charmed herself. She knew which buttons to push to get what she wanted, and well, that helped her a lot in getting in through the event without being discovered. Her make up was thick enough to hide any resemblances that her current alter ego had with the Black Widow. Once she got into the building, she made sure to keep her eyes on any possible entry holes that was good enough that allowed Wanda to use her powers in helping the rest of the avengers to get into the building. She was supposed to keep in touch with Bucky, getting him through the entire place, so that he knew the whereabouts of the people in the room, allowing him to actually mark all the Hydra goons that soon will help with bringing all of these down. She hears him telling her through the earpiece, guiding her to place some sort of marker on their clothes, that could only be seen under ultraviolet rays. “The one on your left, the bald one. Yeah that one too. The one drinking from the punch.” Bucky remembers them alright, their faces were just too vivid to forget. When sudden flashes of the past clouds his judgment, he tries to forget it, tries to ignore it as much as possible. His motivation is the fact that this will bring down Hydra, making sure they never make anyone else go through what he’s been through. He’s grasping the view from the air ventilator, he knows how to disarm the security in the White House’s system. After all, he’s been credited with the assassination of Presidents all around the world. It didn’t matter if they were in or out of the Oval Office, as his first task always included the fine art of getting into places unnoticed and undetected. That’s the thing that had always made him the faint rumor, the ghost that he was. He’s wearing his old suit, tailored exactly to feel and look like the one on display in the Smithsonian, the one that the last time he wore, he fell through a ravine. When Steve got into the building, courtesy of some help with Fury’s informant, he crosses path with many delegates, big shots, shaking hands with people he’s heard of, but hasn't actually met. He sat between two representatives from two different countries, one from Russia and another from Korea. They seemed alright, people who didn’t stand out too much, as if they were only yes-men who’d follow the herd mentality. Bucky saw a well-dressed Steve seated between many Hydra members. He could have called Steve, let him know about it, but then again, there was also a high chance that one of them might actually realise that Steve been talking to himself and that might compromise the mission. Too risky. Bucky just watches. “The reason that we’ve gathered here today is to ensure that the launching of…” Steve didn’t pay much attention to what they were rambling about. All he knew was that it was about some project that involved really high-grade technology in making sure the accessibility of satellite coverage in all parts of the world. Steve’s eyes were mainly focused on the others, watching them with hawk- like precision, observing their every step and their every movement. Deciding whether they looked suspicious enough to be members of Hydra, noticing they way they flinch when they saw the blonde standing in front of them. At first everything seemed alright. Gentlemen carrying about their tasks and discussions without any form of mutiny. It was nearly an hour later that Steve heard a pin drop in the distance. Had he had not posses the ability to hear a wider range of sound frequencies; he surely would not have picked up that slight disturbance in the force. His head peeked under the table, his eyes focused on something that seemed so elliptical, something so grenade-like. ~ Tony flew to the helipad, just to have a look at Clint and Barton. Once he got Pietro and Wade inside with Spidey, his job was to survey across the area with the help of Vision and Rhodey, Sam included as well if Clint was doing just fine alone on the helipad. “How’s things looking from up there, Sam?” Tony made sure to check up with Barton and Wilson who were on the helipad, just to ensure that the coast was clear and that the rest of them could land without being noticed. “Coast is clear Stark. Is Cap with you? “No. He’s headed through the front door. Fury called about an hour ago, saying that he’s secured seats for Steve in the main discussion area.” “What? Why?” Sam and Clint asked in unison. “Dunno, he said something about his informant helping Steve getting a spot in the meeting.” “How can that be possible?” Clint was skeptical. “I don’t think that they’d actually want Steve Rogers, man of honour and patriotism to actually stand among them, unless, unless all of this is a set up, right?” “I don’t know Clint, but by the way you’re putting it, I feel that we better warn Cap.” Tony’s voice is strained, worried, he’s done some pretty reckless shit, but this time, this feels wrong, especially when Barton viewed it from a wholly different angle. Boom. There was smoke all over the room. Thick grey solutes passing through the atmosphere, so full and blocking out the vision scope of ordinary human beings. The delegates scurried out of the room, running out towards exits, gasping for fresh air. Bucky didn’t leave the air ventilation hole, until he made sure everyone was out, that no one innocent was left to die. Waited until Steve helped out all the people out of the smoke filled chamber, waited until the blonde had left the place with his right hand against his ear, trying to call any one of the avengers to help them spread the news of what was going on. Tony tried calling Steve through the miniature phone in the armor, but Steve didn’t pick up as the call was not going through. He saw how crowds of people were running out through the front door, like tiny little ants flooding up the area. He is able to detect strong heat source from the center of the building, so strong that he knew that it must have been some kind of wild fire. Using his Jarvis coordinated armor, he was able to detect all the rest of the avengers, contacting almost everyone except Steve and Bucky. He got them all rounded up, to help him contain the masses, so that the suspects couldn’t escape too far away. Bruce got them contained within the 1 mile radius, with some help from air and ground coverage; Sam, Thor and Rhodey. Strange worked with Wanda and managed to cast a shield enchanting all the people within the dome. Tony was able to shine the UV rays after that. Pietro, Wade, Peter and Clint taking down most of the targets easily by getting rid of those with the hidden marker on their body. They were good. Steve comes out of the building a few minutes later, his suit tattered. Bucky was behind him. “The shield is not strong enough. We need back up!” Wanda shouts across the way. The shield does eventually break in a while, letting out a few of the targets running out lose, far far away, towards helicopters and airplanes that were already waiting for their departure. “Don’t let them escape!” We need to get..” No one actually waits for Steve to finish his sentence. They did what they have to do, what they were trained to do, to track down people, to hunt them down. Pepper was there within minutes after getting a distress call from Tony. She coordinated vehicles to bring the injured to the hospital. Pietro was able to take down a huge number of people by knocking them down to their feet. The fallen ones were left with Wade and Spidey to be taken care of. Bruce and Tony worked hand in hand with Clint and Thor. They had always been a good team that managed to compliment each other’s disabilities, ever since Loki’s attack on earth. Natasha was with Sam. He carried her with his Stark-powered wings, her legs wrapped around his head as they brought down targets with an ease. But Steve and Bucky made the best combination of all. Steve got Bucky carried on his shoulder while the brunette rested his body comfortably against Steve’s torso. His fingers were in position to fire the rifle that was tangled in his hand, his finger would be able pull the trigger at any moment that he saw a threat, any figure that reminded him of his past. Steve is still as good as he used to be, his body still agile due to all the practices that he has had, trying to break down smaller groups of Hydra terrorists, ever since Fury called. And Bucky was faster, his reaction time was always twice as fast of what Steve could offer. If the serum made Steve strong, then Hydra's version of it, enhanced what was already in the brunette. His marksmanship wasn’t what you'd call ordinary, even before Hydra’s serum he was the designated sniper, his aiming capabilities was better than the one belonging to Hawkeye now. He knew the exact angle that he needed to achieve to shoot target, with the most damage and least probability to miss. He was just that good. They were practically unstoppable, just like how they used to be. They were only brought down to the ground when Steve's leg was shot by someone. The pain was stinging his entire body, he kept on moving until he couldn't bear the pain of the wound trying to heal itself, as the bullet was still embed beneath his skin. He eventually dropped Bucky to the ground, causing the parts of Bucky’s uncovered skin to peel off after the rough floor scratched against the tanned layers. The blonde was already trying to stand up when Bucky noticed a red laser being aimed to Steve’s chest. STEEVVEEEE!!!! BEHIND YOU!!! LOOK OUT! Chapter End Notes Okay, I'm gonna do some explaining here. I chose this song in hopes that you guys can have an idea of what's about to happen next. Well, there's gonna be a result that proves the tag of "Major Character Death" haha. But mostly its the way how the death is gonna be reflected. Also I'd love to hear what you guys think is gonna happen in the last chapter, so do drop a comment on your imagination skills! Leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed this chapter. Find me at stuckyisbae.tumblr.com ***** Chapter 33 ***** Chapter Summary Bucky just shakes his head. His eyes are teary, mirroring the same facial expression that Steve’s got on his face. He lets go of the bloody stain, moving his metal arm to caress Steve’s face gently. He can feel the smooth skin, he can feel the outlined jaw. His fingers run through the plump lips and then down to Rogers’ chin, finally going back to palm his cheek. Steve’s eyes are gently shut, savouring every last touch that Bucky places onto him. Chapter Notes Song for the last chapter is... yup, you've guessed it, Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. x I'm gonna apologise first - for the hearts I'll be breaking later on. See the end of the chapter for more notes Present Day Near the White House, right before the Potomac River. Bucky doesn’t blink when it comes to sacrificing his life to save Steve, he’s hardwired for it. He remembers it being his responsibility ever since they were kids, ever since he first started having feelings for him and knew somehow that he could never truly have Steve like normal people would, ever since they actually starting loving each other, ever since he had a glimpse of recognition of Steve that day at the helicarrier even when he didn't remember who his own self was. No, he doesn’t even think twice about it. And when Steve doesn’t actually react quick enough to avoid getting shot, Bucky jumps until he is by Steve’s side to push the blonde further away to his right. Because that would be only right thing to do. “Aargh!” That was the only word that Steve uttered when he felt a sudden force pushing him away. He turns back to see that Bucky’s right next to him, clutching his upper abdomen tightly. At first Steve doesn’t get why Bucky looks like he’s in pain, but then he notices the small patch of dark brown stickiness, being visible, slowly seeping through his blue uniform. “Bucky….” “He’s g-gettin’ a-away. D-don’t let th-them win , St-Steve…” Steve turns his head, picks up the rifle from Bucky’s hand. His eyes catch the silhouette running away. He runs, as fast as he could, his fingers and eyes truly coordinated with one another, aiming the target with perfect clarity. He shoots the target down with a single pull of the trigger. He looks back at Bucky, he is able to view how the brunette’s hand is applying more pressure to the wound, his teeth grinding against each other, his jaw clenching. But when he notices Steve, he flashes a smile through all the pain, before mouthing “Keep going. I’m okay.” The blonde moves on, because he knows that if he goes back to Bucky’s aid, he’s only gonna get shooed to go away and fight ‘em Hydra, or worse still, Bucky himself might actually get up and try to fight even with a bullet underneath his skin. Steve picks up his pace after that, he asks Tony to give him his shield, the weapon that the genius has got strategically equipped within his own armour. “Nat, I need you to have a look at Bucky. He’s down.” He doesn’t trust anyone else with that task, only the black widow is given the highest form of authority to matters related to Bucky. She goes, to have a look at him, but the brunette told her to patch him up as minimum as possible, so that he can go and fight along Steve. Steve hates the fact that he’s left Bucky when he’s hurt, angry how he can’t do anything right now to actually help Barnes’s stubborn ass. Natasha makes sure to keep an eye on Bucky, and she asks the brunette stop fighting when she sees how the patch of blood isn’t just a patch anymore, as it almost covered the whole upper part of his uniform. She warns him to sits down or else she’ll break his leg to make sure he’s actually immobilized, for his own good. Too much movement might cause the gunshot wound to get even worse than it already was. Sam was in pair with Steve now, he’s the only other one who actually goes with all the crazy ideas that the Captain has in his mind when he’s in battle mode. He flies Steve by lifting him up and gripping him on his shoulder. For every shot that he fires, he looks back at Bucky. Steve is able to see how Barnes' facial reaction changes, how he grits his teeth when his fingers dug deeper to avoid further blood loss. Clint’s still fastened up with his bow and arrow. He’s alone, perched up in some tree while focusing on his targets. He’s got more arrows now, thanks to Stark actually making him a custom container to keep all of his arrows. Pietro’s still with his lightning speed, Wanda and Strange were more often than not, twisting and twirling their fingers, conjuring up mystical spells that none of the rest were capable of. Stark blows up random shit while Rhodey’s powered with the capabilities of the legendary war machine. Wade is just doing his fling, killing people as he goes, just as always. Spidey’s one with snark sarcasm when he’s about to beat the crap out of the Hydra associates. Bruce has already turned into the other guy, and at the end of the day, nothing actually beats that. Vision and Thor are side by side, he’s gained the Asgardian’s trust the very moment he lifted Mjolnir. Bucky pitches in too. He shoots as many Hydra bastards that he can reach from his position, occasionally moving a little to left or a little to right to make sure he hits the target. He jerks back a little when he fires a shot, in reaction. He couldn't withstand the force that acted back on him, not with a bloody bullet was strategically nudged in his torso, hurting him every time he tries to help. ~ By the time Steve goes back to Bucky, by the time all of Hydra’s men are either dead or badly wounded, tangled up in some sort of spider web, it’s already too late to save Bucky. He’s bled too much, there was no way he could would actually survive this time. He’s still clinging on to the tiny bit of his life, but Steve knows far too well of how this would end. After all, Bucky is still a mortal. He’s only human. Steve lifts his head up gently, places the sweaty head on his lap, mimicking what Bucky would do to him back in the thirties, whenever the blonde was hit by a fever bad enough to make him weak in his knees. Bucky still smiles, even when he’s spurting out blood, his sharp, pearly white canine tooth covered in red, they still stood out as usual as it, especially whenever he flashes a grin. His metal hand is pressing against the wound, blood was smeared all over the shiny, silver structure. And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow He moved his right hand to grab hold one of Steve’s hand. He ain’t gonna touch Steve with his metal hand, not when the brunette himself knows that this might be the last touch he is going to have of Steve. His grip isn’t firm, it’s as weak as his pulse, as soft as how he used to be whenever he held Steve during their childhood, afraid of breaking his fragile little bones. The blood, his blood,smears all over the glove that Steve has covering his hand. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't wanna go home right now. Bucky knows he’s going to hell, he was fucking queer for God's sake; he knew was destined to go to hell the very moment he kissed Steve on his own will. But he also believed that he was a villain, that he actually killed for Hydra, ending lives of innocent children, men and women, and now, he's twice as sure that that would definitely give him a one way ticket to face the music of his actions. No matter how many times Steve has assured him that it wasn’t his fault, no matter how many times Steve tells him that he wasn’t himself when he did all of those things, it just doesn’t change anything for Bucky. Because at the end of the day, it was him, his body and mind that did all of those nasty things.That it was his hand behind the trigger. He knows, being with Steve is the closest to heaven that he’ll ever get, as little ol’ Stevie from Brooklyn was always the nicest kid in the block, lil’ Steven was the only one he actually loved for a very long, long time now. It’s always as good as heaven, sweet as candy when he’s with Steve, nothing beats the way the blonde looks at him passionately or even the way Rogers traces his fingers along his spine when they’re alone with only each other’s warmth as company. And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life “Hang on, Buck. We’ll fix this. We have always fixed us Buck...” Bucky just shakes his head. His eyes are teary, mirroring the same facial expression that Steve’s got on his face. He lets go of the bloody patch on his uniform, moving his metal arm to caress Steve’s face gently. He can feel the smooth skin, he can feel the outlined jaw. His fingers run through the plump lips and then down to Rogers’ chin, finally going back to palm his cheek. Steve’s eyes are gently shut, savoring every last touch that Bucky places onto him. The blood's smeared across his cheeks now, the cold sensation of the metal hand masked by the warmth of the red fluid. When sooner or later it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight Steve understands why Bucky is smiling now. He understands that this is the only peace that Bucky ever get from all the demons that are constantly haunting him. He understands that Bucky wants to leave, that he wants this to be all over so that he doesn't have to live in shame and guilt anymore. “St-Steven Gr-Grant R-rogers." Bucky pauses. He looks back at Steve, his eyes are wet. His tongue licks his lips as he tried to put together his last words. "St-Stevie, I lo-love…” Bucky doesn’t finish his sentence. He stops it there. Steve feels the soft grip that was on his hand slowly fading away. He feels the metal hand slowly dropping to the ground, losing all of its strength. His eyes are still open, but there’s no life to it. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies “Pl-please don’t do this, B-buck. Please d-don’t leave me. Not again.” His voice breaks, it’s strained as he starts sobbing, trembling a child. And Steve’s not the only one who’s shedding tears. Pepper's sobs accompanies the ones that belong to Steve. Stark and Natasha both have got tears in their eyes, Bruce wipes the one streak of tear roughly with his bare hands; he isn’t the incredible hulk anymore, just the simple Dr. Banner who’s often seen as calm and serene. The rest, they mourn. They keep silent for Steve’s loss. When everything feels like the movies Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive Steve clutches Bucky’s body tightly now, he doesn’t let go. And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand Pepper’s face is all red as she pats Steve by his shoulder. She tells Steve that Bucky is in a better place, and that he has to move on, once and for all. But little did she know that Steve has other plans. No one would never know what Steve and Bucky were, what they had to go through when they were in Brooklyn, when they were in war. They would never understand how Steve’s mind is repeating those sharp words uttered by Brock Rumlow, reminding Steve how he has betrayed his best friend, betrayed his true love by not saving Barnes when he fell, letting him fall into the hands of Hydra only to become their slave. She doesn’t know how much Steve blames himself for everything that Hydra has done to Bucky. Maybe because he knows that none of this would have actually happened if only he believed in Bucky, believed that Bucky could have survived falling from a ravine, believed that Bucky was actually stronger than what he looked like, just like how Bucky used to believe in him. And to think that Bucky sacrificed his life for the same person who got him into this whole mess just kills Steve. He’s gonna make this right though. He’s gonna make sure that this time, Bucky doesn’t have to wait for him, that Bucky doesn’t have to go through everything by himself. When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am Steve carries the lifeless body, walks down the pathway. He’s done this before, he knows what it feels like to face death again. He'll do it all again if it's for Bucky. Steve doesn’t turn back when Natasha shouts out his first name. He ignores the taps on his shoulder, asking him to stop what he’s doing. Tony was the only one who didn’t say anything. “Let Steve go. He needs this.” Tony says. Steve turns his head one last time as a symbol of goodbye. He nods towards Tony, as a token of gratitude for letting Steve make his own choice. His fingers gently closed Bucky’s eyelids, as if he were trying to tell the brunette that everything is over, that they can finally be together again. He moves Bucky’s hand over to his own shoulder, so that the body will stay in place. His hand grasps Bucky’s body tightly as he descended slowly into the Potomac River, carrying Bucky’s weight together with him. I just want you to know who I am Steve doesn’t come up. The rest of the avengers understand that he had made his choice. Tears gushed down cheeks, because they know that they’ll never see Steve and Bucky again. Inside the water, Steve gets the same warm feeling that he got when he dived into the ice, the same warm feeling that he felt as he fell into the water from the helicarrier. There was just something so calm in its nature. It feels, almost feels like home. Steve could feel how the water started to fill his lungs. He made sure tangle his hands with those belonging to Bucky and clung onto the brunette's body as they were drifted by the current. And then, as simple as words could put it, they were finally together. Chapter End Notes Thanks for reading. Leave kudos if you loved it!! Do give comments, but please don't be harsh. *Apologises again for breaking hearts.* End Notes You can say hi at stuckyisbae.tumblr.com and we can be friends. Constructive criticism please xx Works inspired by this one Only_Us by orphan_account Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!