Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4167417.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/F
  Fandom:
      Once_Upon_a_Time_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Evil_Queen_|_Regina_Mills/Emma_Swan, Belle/Red_Riding_Hood_|_Ruby
  Character:
      Emma_Swan, Evil_Queen_|_Regina_Mills, Belle_(Once_Upon_a_Time), Red
      Riding_Hood_|_Ruby
  Additional Tags:
      Swan-Mills_Family, Mental_Health_Issues, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism,
      Implied/Referenced_Child_Abuse
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-06-19 Updated: 2015-08-01 Chapters: 4/? Words: 21561
****** Internal Darkness ******
by ReginasSass
Summary
     Emma Swan has not had the most ideal upbringing. She moved to
     Storybrooke, Maine for a fresh start and has since found her soul
     mate, a group of friends and has a job as Sheriff. She was sure her
     life was looking up until her past catches up with her and triggers a
     series of Mental Health problems. Rated: Explicit. SwanQueen.
Notes
     WARNING: Trigger for mentions of past Child Abuse, Abuse/Sexual Abuse
     and Violence.
***** Chapter 1 *****
Emma sat at her desk watching as the clock ticked by. She was sure that it had
stopped given that every time she looked at it only a minute had passed. She
groaned and put her feet up on the corner of the desk and indulged in a sugary
doughnut paired with the biggest mug of stale coffee going. She could sure do
with a proper drink and not just of the hot kind either. Emma contemplated her
options for a couple more minutes before picking up her phone and texting both
Ruby and Belle. Sure enough straight after the message she had sent the message
she had received two back confirming their excitement of drinks at the Rabbit
Hole later that evening.
A full mug of coffee and two doughnuts later Emma glanced at the clock once
again and thanked whatever higher power there was out there that it was time to
finally go home. She put her mug in the sink deciding to wash it tomorrow
before grabbing her jacket and leaving the sheriff station as fast as her feet
would allow. Once she got into her bright yellow bug her phone rang she took
one look at the caller ID before answering feeling instantly better hearing
that voice,
“Good Evening, Sheriff Swan, I do hope that you have washed up your pots at the
station. I would hate to get more complaints filed against you and your
tardiness.”
Emma could almost hear the smirk on the mayor's face, the mayor who just so
happened to also be her girlfriend. The blonde bit her lip as she tried to
dismiss the accusation,
“You know I always clean up after myself, 'Gina.”
The blonde's ears filled with sarcastic laughter from the offending earpiece to
her phone. Damn Regina and her high pitched squeal; she really needed to talk
to her about that at some point.
“Very funny dear, that's the best thing I have heard all day. I thought your
parents preached about honesty and being of pure mind?”
“Whatever.” Emma faked a pout before changing the direction of the
conversation, desperate to get home and get ready for the girls night out, “Did
you want something specific or...?”
“I just wanted to ask if you could pick up a few things from the grocery store
on the way home for dinner? I'm all out of pasta and mince.”
“I'm not surprised with the amount of lasagne you make.” The blonde shared a
giggle with her love before confirming she would pick up the ingredients. “Oh,
Reggie?”
Regina knew without even having to see the sheriff that something was coming
that she was possibly not going to like, but she held back and braced herself
for the fall all the same, “Yes, dear?”
“I'm really sorry but I'm not sure if I'm going to be home for dinner. You see,
I've asked Ruby and Belle if they wanted to meet at the Rabbit Hole for a few
drinks and a catch up. I haven't seen them for a while and I would ask you to
join us but...”
“...You know how busy I am darling and how much I hate that hell hole so I
understand, of course I do. Not to worry I will make sure to have some with you
for supper when you get home then, how is that?”
Emma's heart swelled and she smiled down the phone. Regina never ate after
seven pm so for her to make this one exception and be so welcoming to the idea
of her going out to a place she deemed unsuitable and a “hell hole” made her
love grow stronger for the mayor of Stroybrooke, Maine,
“Thank you, really. I love you Reggie.”
“And I you dear. Now, don't forget the groceries and I will call you probably
later on tonight. I highly doubt that I am going to make it home before you go
out. I've still got reports to finish and boring town council stuff. You know
how it is.”
Emma chuckled, which sounded like music to Regina's ears,
“Yeah, I do. I hope you get finished soon so you can relax once you get home
and do what you do best. Drive safe later, okay?”
“Okay. You be safe too and call me if you need picking up or anything. Give my
love to Ruby and Belle.”
“I will do. Bye, baby.”
“Bye, dear.”
Emma hung up her phone and made her way over to the local grocery store. She
hated shopping and was in and out within five minutes. She climbed back into
her bug and set off for the mansion on 108 Mifflin Street, pulling up into the
driveway before vacating the bug with her brown paper bag of shopping for
Regina and heading to the kitchen to put them away safely and in the order that
Regina expected.
Once she was sure everything was in order, she went upstairs to their bedroom,
quickly discarding the red leather jacket in a heap on the floor. The blonde
turned to look at it and grinned, knowing full well that the brunette would be
more appreciative if it stayed there rather than on the sheriff. Emma walked
over to the large wardrobe that dominated the north wall and peered inside it
for something to wear. After five minutes of digging, she settled on a hot pink
body con dress that she wore back in her bail bond days in Boston. The blonde
smiled fondly at the dress, slinging it over her shoulder before going back in
search of the ridiculous high heels to match. She returned to the bed throwing
the dress and heels down onto it and shimmied out of her tank top and skinny
jeans. It had been a while since Emma had the opportunity to dress up; being
sheriff you had to dress for practicality and comfort, not to look good.
The saviour glanced at herself in the mirror, turning this way and that to make
sure she was happy with her outfit before taking a seat at Regina's dresser and
turning on the curling iron. Whilst she waited for it to heat up, she applied a
lighter pink shade of lipstick and some eyeliner just in time to hear the beep
to confirm that the iron was now ready. A whole ten minutes later the blonde
straight hair had been transformed into loose curls. Satisfied, Emma turned off
the iron and placed it on the heatproof mat and added some perfume and a
necklace to complete her look. She looked in the mirror once again and smiled
to herself, damn she looked good! The blonde whipped out her phone taking a few
selfies and body shots for Regina's benefit. She wanted her to see how she
looked before getting sweaty dancing at the Rabbit Hole, or “Hell Hole” as the
mayor preferred to call it.
Emma gathered her phone and monies, stuffing them into her clutch then took a
long look around the bedroom, making sure that everything was neatly put away.
She knew that Regina did not really mind if there was the odd thing out of
place but if she came into a messy room she used this disapproving stare that
did both good and bad things to the blonde. The sheriff quickly bent down
picking up her leather jacket and hung it up on the rack behind the door. She
had turned off the curling iron, check. Got her clutch, check. Money? Check.
Phone? Check. She was all set for her night out with two of her first-ever
friends.
The blonde decided to walk to the Rabbit Hole. It was a nice evening and she
could do with the air. The sheriff noticed a few heads turning and smiled to
herself, knowing that Regina would most probably kill anyone if she even knew
that they'd looked at what was rightfully hers. A couple of blisters later Emma
arrived at the bar and was almost instantly deafened by two brunette's running
and screaming straight towards her with arms outstretched.
“EMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!!! HIIIIIIIIIIII!”
Emma braced herself, ready for the impact from the two overly excited
brunette's. She was sure to go over on her ass otherwise. She had never been
one for hugs or contact of any sort but with these two, she could make the
exception, oh and Regina, of course.
“Hi! Have you two started without me?!” Emma developed a look of mock shock and
hurt but could not keep it up for long, especially seeing Belle's pout.
“Well duh. You know we drink before we go out anywhere! Besides you were taking
so long and we were both so thirsty.” Ruby placed her hand on her hip in
defence causing the blonde to laugh.
“How could I forget? You are world renowned for your drinking skills, Ruby
Lucas.”
Belle finally caught up to the situation and gave them both a pointed eye roll,
dragging them over to the bar,
“Honestly? Are you two just going to banter the whole evening or are we
actually going to drink and dance?!”
It was Emma's turn to eye roll. Of course they wanted to dance, something the
blonde never really enjoyed doing but for tonight she was sure she could manage
one or two numbers. The music in this place was usually old and needed some
serious updating, something that the owners had finally done.
“I'll have a beer then, if that's your way of offering. Thanks Belle.” Emma
winked and smirked as Belle turned her attention to the taller brunette who
also confirmed she too would have a beer.
Once the trio all had drinks, Ruby spotted a booth and made a beeline towards
it, holding onto Belle's hand who had hold of Emma's. They had reached the
vacant booth just in time before a group of other drinkers and sat down,
earning a few comments from the others. Ruby glared and sneered at the guys
daring them to come on over and say something to their faces rather than behind
their backs. Emma just took another mouthful of beer not letting them ruin her
night.
“Jerks. Anyway, how was your day? How's things with Regina going?”
Belle fired away the questions over the loud modern dance music the sheriff had
only just got what she was asking and most of that was down to lip reading. If
they wanted to have this kind of catch up then maybe meeting at the bar was not
the best plan. Emma smiled lovingly at the mention of Regina's name that almost
sounded like a melody coming from the Aussie's lips.
“My day was very boring and unproductive. As for Regina, she's great. We both
are.” Emma could feel her pale complexion turn a hot pink. She guzzled down the
rest of her beer at an attempt to disguise it as “beer flush.”
Ruby smirked, catching onto Emma blushing and nudged Belle just as she was
taking a good mouthful of her drink, and as a result, she ended up spilling
half of it down her top. She gave Ruby a look and a light shake of the head.
“You are lucky this is not one of my favourites!”
“Oh shut up and look at our Sheriff blushing over you mentioning you know
whooooo!”
Emma pouted and threw a tissue at the pair before jumping up and gesturing over
to the bar, seeing as it was now her turn to get the round in. Ruby went for a
cocktail whereas Belle stuck to the beer which surprised the blonde. She needed
something a bit stronger herself so decided to join Ruby in whatever the hell
she had asked her to order. The sheriff set up a tab at the bar, knowing that
the trio would be staying there for a while.
Once she got their drinks, she headed back to her two friends, being careful so
not to spill or bump into people. When she got back to their booth, she set the
drinks down and slid back into her seat, eyeing her and Ruby's cocktail
suspiciously. Ruby raised a brow at Emma and exchanged a look with Belle.
“It's a cocktail, Emma. You know like a mixture of spirits?”
The blonde glared at the wolf playfully as she brought the glass up to her lips
taking a slow tentative sip coming to the conclusion that it was not all that
bad
“I know what a cocktail is, Rubes. I just know you and your definition of one.”
Emma smirked at Ruby's offended look, 'causing the younger of the trio to snort
with laughter
“She does have a point; I wouldn't drink anything that you recommend.”
Ruby rolled her eyes and took a long sip until the next song came blaring out
of the sound system. Her eyes lit up and she was on her feet, dragging both
Emma and Belle onto the dance floor.
“I LOVE this song!”
The sheriff was thankful that the cocktail did have a fair amount of alcohol in
it. She would not have been up dancing otherwise. She could feel eyes on her
but with another quick sip she soon forgot and let the music take over her
body. She soaked up the atmosphere and tried to make sure that she would not
forget this experience, having never been dancing in a club until very
recently. She brought her attention back to her two friends and saw Ruby
grinding upon Belle and rolled her eyes. It was about time! She could so tell
that the librarian and the wolf fancied each other; she just did not realise
how long it would take for them to act upon it. Perhaps the alcohol gave them
that final push. She continued dancing and her eyes flew open to Belle in front
of her and Ruby behind both grinding and dancing happily Emma laughed and held
onto Belle's hips pulling her closer earning a low growl in her ear from the
wolf. She titled her head back so she could talk to her,
“Don't worry Rubes, I have a woman at home. I will not steal yours.”
“That's a shame Sheriff. I was going to invite you back to my place later.”
Ruby winked, 'causing the blonde to almost choke on her drink.
The music faded out and the sound of the last orders bell filled the bar the
sheriff dug her phone out of her bag and realised that it was nearing on for
3am. She quickly drank the last of her drink and went into the bathroom to
phone Regina. It was not in her intentions to be out so late and she remembered
that there was lasagne waiting for her when she did get back home. The mayor
answered on the third ring,
“Regina I'm so sorry baby I didn't realise the time!”
“It's okay dear. Are you having fun?”
“It's not okay. You're clearly still awake waiting for me to come home. I
should have kept a closer eye on time...”
Regina was not upset or annoyed at her love. She was quite the opposite she was
glad that Emma was letting her hair down and enjoying herself for once and that
made her happy.
“Emma, really it is okay. I'm just happy that you're having fun. I hope Belle
and Ruby are taking care of you?”
“Of course they are. They can't seem to stop bumping and grinding on me
though.” Emma smirked down the line at hearing Regina's mock gasp of shock and
horror
“I will be having words with Miss Lucas and French tomorrow for that matter!”
“Eh, they're harmless. I just wished it was you doing the grinding that's all.”
Emma's smirk turned into a grin.
“Sheriff Swan! Is that anyway to talk to your boss?”
Emma laughed. She could almost see the eye roll and grin that was currently
plastered all over her girlfriend's face.
“Oh, I am sorry Madame Mayor. Please do forgive me?”
“I will sort out some punishment for you Sheriff. For now, go and enjoy the
rest of your night. I'm sure they will be closing soon. Do you want me to come
and get you?”
The blonde smiled lovingly at Regina's offer but she was sure to be safe
walking with Ruby and Belle. The mansion on Mifflin Street was not too far away
from Ruby's place so she shook her head.
“No, it's okay, baby. I'll walk with Ruby and Belle. You stay there where it's
nice and warm and I will see you soon, okay?”
Regina worried her brow. She did not like the thought of Emma walking home
alone when it was so late and intoxicated. She just sighed softly and respected
her love’s wishes.
“Okay, dear. Be safe. I will see you soon. I love you.”
“I love you too, 'Gina.”
Emma was surprised that Regina actually ended the phone call first. Usually she
was the one who had to do that, because the brunette would say, “I don't want
to stop hearing your voice,” which warmed Emma to the core. She put her phone
back into her clutch and went back to the dance floor, finding her friends at
the bar getting the last drinks in for the evening. Emma went over to them and
joined them in taking shots. After the first five she lost count, Belle dropped
out having had enough but she turned into the official shot photographer
getting plenty of what would be incriminating evidence of the town's sheriff
giving Ruby a run for her money. Belle asked the bartender to get some more
shots lined up for the two elder women but he responded by telling her that
they were waiting to close. Emma looked around and noticed that they were now
the last ones in the bar and mumbled her apologies before paying her tab and
stumbling out of the Rabbit Hole with the two brunettes.
When they approach Granny's, the sheriff was trying her best to assist Ruby in
keeping Belle somewhat upright. She could not help but laugh once or twice as
she fell over her own feet on numerous occasions. She helped Ruby up the path
and opened the door for them before turning to her,
“Are you going to be okay, or do you need a hand to get her into bed?”
“I've never had any trouble with other people,” Ruby winked but then smiled at
her friend's offer. “No, it's okay I've got this. Thanks though, Em. It was
really great seeing you let your hair down for once.”
“I had a great time. Perhaps we could do it again soon?”
“Like you even need to ask! Give me a text when you get in so I know you’re
safe.”
And with that, the leggy brunette ushered the very drunk Belle into the house.
She turned to see Emma stumbling slightly down the path and cursing at her
heels.
The sheriff realised that the garden path had gone dark, a sign that Ruby had
now closed the door. She stumbled down the rest of the street wondering what
the hell she was thinking wearing heels this high when she knew she was going
to be dancing and drinking. Emma looked up and realised she was not that far
from home now, so she kept her pace, trying to get to the safety of the mansion
where she could kick off her heels and not see them again for a while.
As she rounded a corner a man came flying out from the alleyway and clamped a
hand firmly around her mouth. Emma tried to scream and fight the person off.
She did not need to see the person to know it was a man. She could tell that
from the size of the hand and the strength he had as he pulled her roughly down
into the dark depths of the alley.
“Do not make a sound! If you do I will slice your fucking throat ear to ear! Do
you understand?!”
The blonde was thrown to the floor against the wall, landing with a hard thump.
She banged her head and everything went dark. When she came too she felt the
heavy weight of the man on top of her trying to get into her panties. She
quickly raised her knee and impacted him in the stomach trying to by time to
escape, but all the man did was laugh and pin her down by her throat. He
snarled at her his breath smelt of nothing but cigarettes and alcohol and a
sickly sweet cologne. Emma thought she recognised his voice but she could not
be so sure.
“You stupid little bitch, you haven't learnt anything have you?! Well let me
remind you of what it means to be a good little girl Emma.”
Emma's mind shot back to her last foster home where the so-called Father would
constantly abuse her in many different ways. She remembered that once he had
come into her room and forced his penis into her mouth threatening her that if
she did not do what he wanted then he would kill her. When he finally left her,
she quickly gathered her stuff and left in the dead of night and never
returned. She felt sick. Surely it wasn't...? The cologne, the voice, the look
of him.... “Let me remind you of what it means to be a good little girl Emma.”
The blonde reached around her feeling something heavy in her pal. She did not
even stop to think. This was not going to happen to her again. She lifted the
object and with one swoop of her arm she hit him over the head and kicked him
square in the stomach using all of her strength to get back on her feet she
kicked him again. She kicked off her heels picking them up and ran back to the
mansion with tears and blood streaming down her face.
Regina was startled awake from her nap she had not meant to fall asleep as she
waited for her better half, but it was late and she had a hell of a day in the
office. As she descended the steps into the foyer she heard crying and Emma
heavy breathing she threw all caution to the wind and skipped two steps until
she was at the bottom and found her way to the blonde heap on the floor she
flicked a lamp on and noticed she had blood on her and her dress was ripped.
Regina quickly dropped to her knees and went to embrace the blonde who looked
so broken and fragile in that moment. As strong olive skinned arms made contact
with the fragile porcelain doll, she flinched away and recoiled in herself
causing the mayor to retracted her arms and try soothing her down with her
voice alone.
“Sssh, Emma... It's okay, I'm here. You're okay”
Emma shook her head violently. She had sobered up very quickly and all together
too soon for her to handle the situation she had found herself in. How had he
found her? How did he get into Storybrooke and why the hell could he not just
leave her alone and let her get on with her life? She had done nothing to him,
not one thing. She endured years of abuse and torture and never once spoke out
of line or complained about the way he spoke to or treated her. She was “a good
little girl.”
“It's not okay! It's never going to be “okay!” I'm broken and I'm never going
to be fixed!” Emma sobbed uncontrollably.
Regina just wanted to wrap her up in her arms and protect her from the world.
She wished she could cast a spell and take all over her worries and bad
memories away from her but at the same time she knew that is why Emma is well,
Emma and she would not change her for anything. Regina held onto Emma's hand
and she took it as permission to be touched. She got to her feet and gently
helped Emma up before leading her up the stairs and into the bathroom to get
cleaned up. She did not want to ask too many questions right now, given the
state Emma was in, and she knew that the blonde would open up and talk about
what had happened when she was ready. The sheriff relaxed into Regina's embrace
and held onto her for what seemed to be an eternity as the mayor took extra
special care to not frighten or make her jump. She slowly washed her face free
of now smudged make up and dried blood. Then she ran a soft-toothed comb
through her knotted hair and put it up in a ponytail out of the way. Regina sat
her down on the seat in the bathroom whilst she went into the bedroom and came
back with fresh pyjamas, handing them to Emma.
“Do you want me to...?”
Emma shook her head no. She did not want to be left alone. If there was anyone
that she could trust not to abuse her it was Regina. The mayor slowly stepped
forward as Emma stood and unzipped the back of her dress giving it a gentle tug
to encourage it to pool at the floor. She did turn her back to give Emma some
privacy. She did not want to seem like she was imposing or abusing the
situation of Emma being so vulnerable. The blonde appreciated Regina's
understanding and she stepped forward, now clad in silk pyjamas before
following the brunette into the bedroom. Regina pulled back the covers and
tucked Emma in she looked into forest green pools, noticing nothing but sadness
and vulnerability shining back. She had so many questions running around in her
mind. What had happened to the happy Emma she had spoken to only an hour ago on
the phone? Why did Emma have blood on her and why was her dress torn? Then it
all fell into place and clicked. Regina felt her heart sink and bile rise up in
her throat she did not want to alarm Emma, but at the same time she wanted to
go out there and find who the monster was that did this to her love.
The blonde smiled weakly up at her loyal girlfriend before taking hold of her
hand once again. She couldn't say anything, but she did not have to for Regina
knew everything she wanted to say from those eyes.
“You're welcome. Try and get some sleep dear. I'm going to be here when you
wake up, okay?”
Emma just nodded. She was so tired, but the likelihood of getting any sleep for
tonight, or the nights to come was pretty slim. She closed her eyes and gave
into the surrender of the remains of alcohol in her system. Regina could not
and would not sleep. She wanted to be true to her word and be there for her
Emma instantly should she ever need her. She wished to herself that she could
have done more. She should have gone to meet her from the bar. She should have
protected her more.
No, you cannot do this to yourself Regina. You need to be strong for Emma, for
yourself. This was not Emma's fault but it also wasn't yours.
Regina's thoughts whirled around in her mind, never settling. She glanced over
at the sleeping blonde and her heart shattered into a million pieces, seeing
tears rolling down her cheeks, which were paler than usual.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Self Harm and Alcohol Abuse.
It has been two weeks since the night when the mayor found her usually cocky
sheriff girlfriend laying in the foyer, covered in blood and looking broken
beyond repair. She still does not know what had happened. She just could not
bring herself to ask Emma in case it destroyed her further. Regina noticed the
change in the blonde's behaviour; she had started to drink heavily, skip meals,
slack on her duties, and reject any social invitations. The brunette's concerns
grew for her girlfriend, and she had absolutely no idea what to do for the
best. She cooked one of Emma's favourite meals in the attempt of enticing her
to at least try and eat something. As she laid the table, the blonde came into
the dining room and leaned against the doorway. Regina cast her eyes up at
hearing Emma's voice. Her heart sank to the very bottom of her stomach as she
saw the state her Emma was in. Her golden hair was a mass of knots and tangles
and more brown than golden yellow, her cheeks were a deathly shade of white,
and she noticed that her usual choice of tank tops had been replaced by long
sleeved shirts which made Regina's mind go into overdrive.
“What's for dinner?” Emma asked faintly as she toyed with the bottoms of her
sleeves and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
“I've cooked some home made chilli and cheese burgers. I know how much you like
them.” Regina smiled softly in the hopes that the younger woman would find
tonight's dinner choice more appealing.
Emma grinned and entered the room taking her place at the dining table, “Well
you do make the best burgers around, just don't tell Granny I said that”
Regina was just so glad to have Emma sitting at the table willingly. She had
grown to dislike meal times as she would have to spend hours trying to get the
stubborn blonde to even sit at the table, let alone eat anything. She was
concerned, and she knew that she had to do something. The brunette hurried back
into the kitchen, gathered some sauces and relishes along with the burgers and
buns, and laid them all out on the table.
Emma licked her dry lips and reached for a burger, placing it in a bun and
adding burger sauce and extra cheese. She took a slow, tentative bite, and when
she was sure she was not going to vomit the food back up, she practically
stuffed the rest of the burger in her mouth and swallowed thickly. Regina would
have usually chastised the blonde for such poor dinner manners, but she did not
care. She smiled warmly at the blonde,
“Would you like another burger, Emma?”
Emma paused to think for a moment before nodding. Her eyes glazed over as she
made eye contact with the brunette seeking permission to take another burger.
Regina looked confused for a split moment. Emma had never stopped to ask
permission especially after being offered one but she thought back to
everything that had happened over the last two weeks and she put two and two
together. Emma was back in that place she was in as a child and teenager.
Regina reached forward and gently took hold of a shaking pale hand,
“Emma, it's okay. You can have however many you like. The only thing I ask is
that you eat this one a little slower than you did the last. I would hate for
you to get an upset stomach.”
The mayor smiled softly as a faint smile ghosted across Emma's lips and the
blonde nodded her agreement to Regina's question before getting herself another
burger and taking a slower and more manageable bite. She savoured every
mouthful. Regina really did make the best chilli and cheese burgers around.
When they both had enough, Emma helped her girlfriend clear away the plates and
helped to do the dishes. She washed and Regina dried. She needed to do
something to distract herself and to help out. Emma knew that she needed to get
her act together. She was not blind. She could see what she was doing to Regina
and she knew that the brunette was sleeping in fear of not being there for her
if she had yet another nightmare. The sheriff has not been to the station since
the night she went out with Ruby and Belle, and she knew that she needed to
sort someone to temporarily replace her, and Regina would have to approve of
the new Deputy. When they were done with the dishes, she planned on having a
conversation with Regina to try and work a few things out, together.
Emma checked that all the dishes were washed, dried, and put away before
getting a drink and following the brunette back into the lounge where a
comforting fire was happily burning away. It made the blonde feel warm, safe,
and at home. She sat on the sofa carefully and turned side ways on so she could
face the mayor,
“Regina, we need to talk...”
Regina's heart started thumping along in her chest. Was this where Emma was
going to tell her everything that's happened, or was it the end of their
relationship, or...? The former Queen told her inner self to shut up as she
turned her full attention to the blonde. She cleared her throat and placed her
glass down on a coaster,
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”
Emma nervously chewed her bottom lip she tried to think of the best way to say
what was on her mind. Tact was never a strong point, so she just threw caution
to the wind and inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly,
“I'm not sure when I can go back to work, so we need to get a Deputy in place
to cover me. We can't really have a town and no sheriff.”
Regina nodded and played with her fingers nervously,
“Okay. Do you have anyone in mind?”
“I was thinking maybe Ruby or Belle? I trust them both completely. They are
both reliable and sensitive, and the townsfolk love them. Oh, and they're
active in the community. What's not to love?”
Regina quirked her brow up in surprise. She had expected David, Mary Margaret,
Graham or even the dwarves, she was not prepared to hear Ruby and Belle. She
could see Emma's logic; the community did love them both, but one thing played
on Regina's mind,
“How experienced are they in fighting crime and protecting the people of
Storybrooke?”
Emma raised a brow pointedly at Regina,
“Seriously? How experienced was I when the town selected me as their sheriff?
You learn along the way on these kinds of things. A lot of common sense and
knowledge helps get you by, which I'm sure Belle will provide.”
Regina's lips turned upwards at Emma's remark. She knew better than anybody
that if it involved common sense and knowledge, then Belle was the best person
in town to look for and ask, not some wolf who tied her boyfriend up to a tree
thinking he was the wolf and then killing him. The brunette considered her
options, but ultimately she knew that Emma was right and nodded softly,
“Someone does have to take over until you're feeling up to the job again. How
come you have not mentioned your Father?”
Emma screwed up her nose and shook her head,
“David won't want to step in. He is too wrapped up in Mary Margaret since Neal
was born. I know he's stepped in once before, but truth be told, I would rather
leave work life and personal life separate where they are concerned.”
Regina nodded in agreement. So that was that, Storybrooke's new Sheriff and
Deputy now came in the form of Belle French and Ruby Lucas. The mayor played
out the image in her mind a few times. She did not really like the idea of Ruby
being the one to respond to crimes, but at least she would be under the
watchful eye of Belle. She reached forward for her glass and raised it to her
lips, allowing the warm liquid to flow down her throat.
Emma decided that was enough for tonight and reached for her glass and drained
the rest of the liquid, then going in search for something stronger. When she
re-entered the lounge empty handed, she glanced quickly at the clock above the
mantle piece, and realised that it was actually a lot earlier than she had
first thought. The sheriff rushed back out of the room and up the stairs in a
blur of blonde hair and denim. Regina placed her glass down once again and made
her way up the stairs and into the master bedroom seeing Emma getting all
dressed up.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to get out. I'm going to go to the Rabbit Hole.”
Emma quickly dragged a brush through her mane of hair whilst Regina stood in
the middle of the bedroom, wide eyed and slack jawed,
“You are NOT going there! Not after what happened two weeks ago, Emma...! I
don't even know what happened to you, but I never want to see you that fragile
and vulnerable again. It was heartbreaking.”
Emma stopped what she was doing and slowly turned her head towards Regina.
There were a lot of things she was described as but “fragile” was one that she
did not like. She was not some doll that would crack under so much pressure.
Emma slammed down her hairbrush and applied some make up then headed towards
the door,
“I am going to go out and try and unwind. I can't just sit inside day in day
out, Regina. It's turning me crazy. I cannot avoid places because I have had a
bad experience. That's part of life. You can come with me if you so wish but
just let me have some fun.”
Regina's eyes looked as though they were going to bulge out of her head and
that vein on her forehead sure as hell looked like it may pop any second.
“All I want to do is to keep you safe and protect you from any more harm, Emma.
I cannot bare the thought of someone hurting you. I know what you are saying
about needing to face people and not avoid a certain place, but...”
Emma lifted her hand swiftly to silence Regina's ramblings. She did not need
this, especially not now. She walked back over towards her brunette lover,
feeling guilty for snapping at her. She placed a gentle soft peck on her lips
before smiling gently at her,
“I know you are trying to protect me, Regina, but I am an adult. I can take
care of myself and if I get hurt then that is my problem. I have dealt with
worse when I was a child. I'm sure I can manage this. I am just going to go out
for a few drinks and unwind, okay?”
The mayor considered Emma's words. Emma was an adult, and she was starting to
suffocate her. She did not want to turn into one of those crazy, overprotective
partners who stop their better halves from having fun, all for the sake of a
possibility of something going wrong. They would never live. She knew that she
would have to let Emma go, regardless of her better judgement.
“Okay. Go. Have some fun, but please, Emma, be safe. I love you so much, and if
you need me you call, yeah?”
Emma's eyes glistened as she nodded and placed another loving kiss upon full
plump lips. She was so lucky to have somebody as considerate and loving as
Regina, somebody who was willing to protect her no matter the cost.
The blonde finished getting herself read. If she was going to the Rabbit Hole
she was going to do it properly.
Once she was ready, Emma checked her make up in the floor length mirror and
walked over to Regina, giving her a kiss,
“I love you. I won't be too late tonight, babe.”
Regina smiled lovingly at the blond. She really looked stunning out of that
awful denim she tended to hide herself behind,
“Okay. I'll be waiting for you.”
The blonde gave her one last kiss and then headed downstairs and out of the
front door. Regina watched her from their bedroom window as her tummy started
to do somersaults with worry. She did not want Emma to go out, but at the same
time, she knew she couldn't stop her. The mayor decided to busy herself,
starting with doing all the laundry then the dusting.
Emma entered the Rabbit Hole, and sure enough, heads turned. She could feel
eyes on her as she made her way over to the bar. She set up a tab and took
three shots then headed onto the dance floor with her bottle of beer. The
blonde let the alcohol flow through her blood, and the music took over her
body. She moved fluidly in time to the beat, finding herself in her own little
world where nothing else mattered. All too soon the beer had gone, so she
danced back over to the bar and got another, thinking it would be easier to
stick around the area. Emma perched on the only vacant stool and knocked back
the beer. Tonight she was going to have a good time, and there was nothing or
no one that could stop her.
Three hours and ten beers later, the sheriff was now stumbling more than
dancing. She felt hands on her hips and spun around a little too quickly,
almost toppling over. She noticed an slightly younger female, which took her by
surprise. She had expected to see some overweight dirty guy looking to get
lucky, but this woman was beautiful. Emma did not remove the hands from her
hips. Instead she danced close to the taller woman and drained the rest of her
beer.
The last orders bell screamed out over the pounding beat causing the blonde to
glance at the time. She saw that it was almost one am and decided that she had
had enough. She placed her empty bottle on the bar and paid her tab then bee
lined out of the club onto the cool street. A voice called out into the
otherwise quite street causing Emma to spin around. She was greeted by the
female from the club,
“Going so soon? I would have thought someone like you would be partying all
night”
Emma closed the gap between the two and gave a small shrug,
“I told my girlfriend I would not be too late, she'll worry about me and the
Rabbit Hole gets boring after a while.”
The slightly older woman's face fell slightly at the mention of Emma having a
girlfriend and took a small step back,
“You have a girlfriend? That's too bad”
“Not for me it isn't. She's my world.”
“Then how come was she not here with you?” the other woman asked with
curiosity,
“Well, she's the mayor and she has a lot of work to catch up on”
The taller woman's eyes widened at the knowledge of who the blonde was dating
and she took another step back in fear of making a pass at the mayor's
girlfriend,
“You're with Regina Mills?! I am so sorry!”
Emma looked concerned at how scared the other woman became she shook her head
softly and smiled brightly at her,
“Hey, don't worry about it. I take it you knew her more from when she was the
Evil Queen? She is nothing like that any more. It was lovely meeting you...?”
“Aurora”
“Emma” the blonde smiled gently as Aurora turned back around and disappeared
back inside the bar.
The cold air nipped at her warm exposed skin. She wished she had brought a
jacket, but old habits die hard. Emma made her way towards Mifflin Street, and
sure enough, walking started to prove a problem, and not just because of her
high heel shoes.
Regina could not bear waiting for Emma any longer. She blew out her candles and
grabbed her car keys. She knew that the Rabbit Hole was not that far away, but
it was a lot safer to drive at this time of night. The brunette pulled out of
her driveway and slowly drove down the route Emma was more than likely going to
take. Five minutes later, Regina spotted a very drunk looking Emma stumbling
along the pavement, and the mayor's heart sank. Why had Emma drunk so much? Why
had she not called her to come and pick her up? Why was she taking these risks?
Emma lost her balance and almost fell off the curb. She was grateful for a hard
surface to break her fall. The blonde stared wide eyed as the black car and the
Mercedes came clearer in her mind. The sheriff regained her balance as Regina
stepped out of the driving seat and walked around to the passenger side,
opening the door for Emma.
“Get in. There is no way you are walking home like this, Emma.”
The blonde knew better than to argue. She climbed into the car and clicked her
seatbelt in place, turning to face Regina when she got back in,
“Thank you,” Emma smiled softly at the semi confused looking brunette, “for
coming to get me.”
“You don't need to thank me, dear. You should have called before you left the
bar, though.”
Emma knew Regina was right. She was always right.
They both sat in silence for the rest of the short journey back to the mansion
on Mifflin Street. Emma gazed out of the window, looking for any signs of one
of the men who ruined her life as a child. There was no sign of him. Perhaps he
had done the right thing and left town, leaving her to get on with her life?
That was wishful thinking.
Regina pulled up into their driveway, cutting the engine and moving around to
the passenger side to help Emma out of the car. She made sure to lock up before
helping Emma into the warm house. The sheriff flopped down on the sofa and
kicked off her heels, eliciting a moan of relief. Regina waved her hand,
putting the shoes in their closest upstairs so neither of them would trip over
them.
“Are you hungry?”
Emma's stomach churned at the possibility of food. True, she had two chilli and
cheese burgers before she went out, but that was three shots and ten beers ago,
“Mmm.”
“I'll take that as a yes. Stay there. Put your feet up if you want. I'll be
back shortly.”
Regina headed into the kitchen, brewed some fresh coffee, and cooked some
scrambled eggs on toast before taking them into the lounge where the younger
woman was waiting. She would never allow anyone to eat unless it was in the
dining room, but she knew it would be a lot easier to magic away any crumbs and
mess than get Emma to the table. She placed the coffee down on a coaster and
handed Emma the plate, taking a seat on the sofa next to her with a mug of
coffee.
“Ooh, thank you, 'Gina.” Emma inhaled the aroma of the coffee and scrambled
eggs before delving into her supper.
“You're welcome, dear.”
Regina watched as Emma happily ate the eggs and drank the coffee. She was glad
that she accepted the food and drink; she had expected to have to force it down
the blonde.
Emma placed her empty plate on the coffee table, closely followed by the empty
mug. She leaned back, her tummy fully satisfied. The brunette took the dirty
dishes into the kitchen, deciding she would wash them tomorrow after breakfast.
Right now, she wanted to be with Emma.
She made her way back in the living room and smiled lovingly at the now
sleeping blonde who sprawled all over the sofa. The mayor giggled softly and
shook her head. This was not an opportunity she would get often. Reaching for
her camera, Regina snapped a few photos of the sleeping beauty then waved her
hand once again, causing Emma's body to levitate and follow her up to their
room. The mayor pulled back the covers and guided Emma under them and tucked
her in. As she pulled the covers up over Emma's arms, she noticed some fresh
cuts on her arms. The mayor could feel her heart sink and a lump form in her
throat as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. Regina sat on the edge of
the bed and watched the blonde sleeping for a few moments before getting
herself changed in the bathroom.
The older woman stared at her reflection in the mirror and finally gave in to
her emotions. Her tears rolled in a constant stream down her face, and she was
sure she heard her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. All she ever
wanted was to protect Emma, to make her feel happy, safe, secure, and able to
talk to her about anything and everything, and she had failed. Emma had harmed
herself, and she had not even noticed. Guilt began to overwhelm her, and
thoughts spilled into her mind. You should have noticed! You should have paid
closer attention. She has started to wear long sleeved shirts for fuck’s sake,
Regina! There was no way sleep was going to happen tonight. The brunette made
her way back to the bedroom and climbed into bed next to her Swan.
Tomorrow there will be discussions. Tomorrow there will be answers.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Warning: Mentions of Self Harm, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse/Sexual
     Abuse and Alcohol Misuse.
The night was long and exhausting for both Emma and Regina. The brunette had
not got any sleep after worrying so much about the blonde's current mental
state. She had absolutely no idea what to do to help Emma, and she really hated
feeling so powerless at a time like this.
After battling to get even ten minutes sleep, Regina had enough and got up out
of bed. She made her way down into the kitchen and began to prepare some
breakfast.
Emma stirred slowly as light began to pool in through her eyelids. She slowly
opened them and noticed that Regina was not at her side. She sighed softly and
forced herself up out of bed and headed into the bathroom to take a quick
shower. The blonde hissed as the water and soapsuds trickled over her wounds
but she also liked the pain that it created.
As the sheriff made her way down the stairs she could smell the sweet aroma of
blueberry pancakes, and almost as if on cue her tummy announced that it was
indeed time for food. She made her way into the kitchen. A small smile ghosted
across her lips,
“Morning, 'Gina”
The brunette turned around from the stove and smiled through her tiredness at
the sight of her girlfriend standing before her clad in nothing but one of her
shirts and fresh from the shower,
“Good morning, dear. How are you feeling?” Regina knew that this was a silly
question, but she also felt inclined to ask.
Emma gave a small shrug. She felt guilty, broken, dirty, ashamed, and she just
did not know how much strength she had left,
“Been better, been worse, I guess.”
The mayor nodded gently. She was not expecting to hear anything else, but the
hope was there. She handed Emma her plate of blueberry pancakes and picked up
the pot of fresh coffee, joining her at the table. She wanted to bring up the
cuts on the sheriff's arm, but she just did not know how to handle the whole
situation,
“I'm glad that you are feeling somewhat better,” Regina mentally cursed herself
for the lame attempt of small talk. She bit her lip and decided to just come
out with what was really on her mind, “Emma, I need to ask you something...”
She noticed the way that Emma's hand paused midway to her mouth and the way her
eyes shined with fear, “I'm not going to push you into telling me if you are
not ready, but I just need to know...What are those marks on your arm? How did
you do them?”
Emma froze. She wanted to explain everything to Regina so badly, but she just
could not help feeling guilty and ashamed. Of course Regina had spotted her
cuts; some were fresh from only yesterday. She hated having to resort to
harming herself to help cope, but pride prevented her from talking about her
problems to anyone, and overwhelming emotions screamed out at her to just take
the knife. The blonde swallowed thickly as she tried to form the words she
needed to try and explain and answer the mayor,
“I-- It's a long story. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it right at this
moment.” Emma momentarily made eye contact with Regina and she saw how tired,
scared and nervous she really was, causing her heart to break and guilt build
up. She bit her lip softly trying to suppress the sensations that began to take
hold of her body, “I will explain. Today. I just need some time to wake up and
adjust to the day first.”
Regina's lips turned in a faint smile as she reached across and squeezed Emma's
hand. She felt pride rush through her veins that the blonde had decided to talk
about what was going on with her. She remembered a time not too long ago when
Emma would not talk to anyone about anything,
“Thank you. Take your time, though. I do not want you to feel pressured or
rushed into talking about it if you are not ready, dear.”
Emma shook her head looking deep into chocolate pools,
“I don't feel pressured. This is affecting you too, you deserve an explanation
into everything.”
The mayor got up from her place at the table and walked around to where Emma
was sitting and pulled her up into a gentle but loving embrace. She did not
know what to expect from the blonde, whether she was going to allow the gesture
or not, but the sensation of her Emma relaxing into her body made her heart
flutter with joy.
“I love you Emma, so much.”
The blonde's eyes fluttered closed as tears began to spill down her cheeks. She
had never felt so loved, so connected with anyone before, that in itself was
more than overwhelming,
“I know. I love you too.”
Regina was the first one to break the contact. She did not want to, but they
had dishes to clean up. Emma gathered most of the pots and filled the sink with
warm, soapy water. The brunette gasped out loud causing a questioning look from
the blonde,
“Are you feeling okay?!”
“...Yeah, why?”
The brunette bit her lip to try and contain her giggle but to no avail,
“You are washing the pots instead of drying them”
Emma threw a playful glare towards the brunette and gathered some suds on her
hand blowing them into her face. Regina wiped the suds away laughing at the
sheriff's childlike behaviour. It really warmed her heart, seeing her having
some fun and smiling again,
“You asked for that! Now hurry up and dry, woman.”
The brunette chuckled and picked up the tea towel and began to dry the well-
scrubbed pots the blonde handed to her. She noticed how hard Emma concentrated
to make sure that the dishes were spotless, and she assumed that it was a
coping and distraction technique for her. She smiled and placed the last dish
in its rightful place in the cupboard.
When Regina turned around to thank Emma for her help, she realised that she had
disappeared. Momentary panic set in as she let her sleep deprived mind run wild
at the possibilities of what could have happened,
Maybe she has materialised herself out of here and gone some place because you
were too hard on her. Seriously Regina, what were you thinking asking so much
of Emma so soon? Surely you would know how to spot a desperate soul!
The mayor shook her head to try and vanish the thoughts. She suddenly felt
really weak and nauseous at the thought of Emma bailing on her when she was
clearly in such a fragile state. The brunette was just about to completely
freak out when Emma appeared in her signature white cloud of smoke with the
laundry from all over the house in her arms. The blonde picked up on Regina's
look of complete relief at seeing her,
“Are you okay 'Gina? You don't look too well.” Emma dumped the laundry in a
pile on the floor in the front of the washing machine before turning her
attention to the brunette, “Sit down. I'll get you some water.”
Emma led Regina to the chair and sat her down before getting her a glass of
cold water. She felt sick to her stomach that she had caused her love so much
panic and worry. The blonde decided that they really need to have this
conversation sooner rather than later. She made her way back over to Regina
with the water and handed it to her before flicking her wrist and loading the
washing machine with magic to save time on something so trivial,
“Emma, I am fine, honestly. You needn't worry about me. I just never got much
sleep last night. That is all. You need to be careful using so much magic too;
it drains your energy,” Regina warned carefully. She did not want to come
across as patronising, but she did not want Emma to harm herself any more than
she already had,
“You haven't slept for ages, Regina. I know that you stay awake waiting for me
to have a nightmare because you want to be there to help comfort me. I'm sorry
that I've caused you so much worry and stress...” Emma sat on the chair
opposite Regina and took a deep breath. “I need to explain everything to you
now. I know it's having an impact on you and your health too, so if me talking
about what's going on is going to help you, then I will.”
Regina did not want to interrupt, but she got up from her seat at the dining
table and led Emma into the lounge where they would both be more comfortable.
Heaven knows how long this was going to take.
The brunette sat on the sofa and patted the side next to her indicating for
Emma to come and join her. Once they were both comfortable, she took hold of
her hand,
“I appreciate you for wanting to talk about this, Emma. I just want to make
sure that you are ready and you are not doing it just to make me feel better. I
want you to be ready for this.”
Regina had absolutely no idea what was going to come out of this conversation
but what she did know was that it was going to be a very difficult one from the
way that the blonde was acting. The sheriff smiled faintly, grateful for the
care and consideration her girlfriend was showing her but she knew that she had
to do this, for herself AND for Regina,
“I am ready. I can't keep this from you any longer. It's destroying me from the
inside out and it's started to destroy you too. I hate seeing you so anxious
and worried, and I'm just so sorry that I let it go on for as long as I have.”
Emma took a deep breath and carefully chose where to start the conversation,
“This is going to be a difficult one for me, so you'll just have to bare with
me, okay?”
The brunette nodded. She could feel the anxiety tear her up from the inside.
She needed to be strong for Emma. The mayor turned slightly on the sofa so she
was facing the blonde as she began to explain everything,
“Okay, so you know about me being in foster care and about what some of the
families did to me? Well, do you remember that one family I told you about with
the “dad” who forced himself on me?”
Regina nodded again. She already felt anger, sickness, and rage from inside her
gut. She really needed to hold it all together,
“Yes, I remember you told me about him,” she lightly encouraged Emma to
continue,
“Well after he did that to me I started to self harm. It was only ever
superficial cuts, but it was my life. All I thought about was when the next
possibility for me to cut was going to be. Every day when I went to school I
just could not cope with anything. The emotions and thoughts I was experiencing
sent me into a downward spiral. My teachers just thought that I was being an
attention seeker and kicked me out of class. Never did any of them actually
bother to sit down with me to try and talk about what's been going on.”
Regina's heart shattered into one million pieces. She did not want Emma to
mistake her sadness for pity. She was always cautious about that. She knew how
much the blonde hated people taking pity on her and being sympathetic to the
point where it's sickening. The brunette was surprised to hear that none of
Emma's teachers even bothered to talk to her when her behaviour change. She
could not help but feel angry knowing that if they had done their jobs, maybe,
just maybe the blonde would not be as damaged as she was. Regina bit her lower
lip, trapping what she really wanted to say and pressed for Emma to continue,
“They should have done a better job. They should have talked to you as soon as
they noticed any changes in you.”
The blonde shrugged softly. She was used to people just letting her get on with
things and not really caring about her,
“Yeah, well anyway,” Emma cleared her throat and tried to find a good place to
restart her explanation, “When I turned sixteen, I left that family's home, and
I never looked back. I was done with him abusing me and the so-called mother
verbally abusing me. I could not handle it any more. I got a job as a waitress
to try and make some sort of income to be able to save up and get my own place.
My boss was pretty decent. He let me stay at his on the sofa and I pulled
double shifts to pay him back by working when he was short staffed, but then
one day he just closed the diner and was never seen again. Which meant I was
back on the streets looking for some place to go.” Emma stopped for a moment to
collect herself, “It was a couple of months later when I saw an advertisement
for a waitress position not far from here. I met Ruby there and she took me in
to her home. She took care of me like I was a sister. It was nice.” Emma smiled
at the memory,
“I did wonder how you two met. I could tell that you already knew her from
before you moved here I just did not understand how.” Regina smiled. She was
glad that Emma had met somebody that showed her some sign of kindness, “I
thought that she always lived here though.”
Emma nodded, “She did, kinda. Her Granny has always lived here but Ruby came
and went a lot. She was working for the guy's diner where we met but when I
left and came to Storybrooke she left and came back here too. She said that she
did not see the point in keeping her job there any longer than she had to, not
when her granny owned a diner where she could do the same work but for people
who actually appreciated her.” Emma laughed as Regina rolled her eyes,
“Yeah and she knows people appreciate her at Granny's.” She smiled and Emma
just gave her a look before giggling,
“Anyway. So then I met you and everything has been great. I haven't self harmed
for a while and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had learned some self
control and gotten something right for a change.”
Emma sighed sadly as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Regina could tell
that this was starting to get really difficult for the blonde and she reached
out and took hold of her hand gently,
“You're doing really well. Do you want to break?”
The sheriff looked up and shook her head no. She needed to do this. She took a
sip of her drink and took a deep breath before continuing,
“I went to the Rabbit Hole with Ruby and Belle the other week, you remember?”
Regina nodded, “So everything was great. We drank and danced and drank some
more. It was great to just let my hair down and be more free but still feel
safe. I had never done anything like that before. Ruby got me onto some
cocktails and Belle got me dancing more than I have ever danced. It was a great
night. We all left together and I walked Ruby and Belle back to Granny's, Belle
was pretty drunk and Ruby had difficulty in keeping her upright on her own so I
helped her. I said bye to Ruby and made my way back here...” Emma's eyes filled
up with tears. She would be damned if that jerk made her cry! She swallowed
thickly and squeezed Regina's hand tighter as all the emotions came flooding
back,
“Ssh, it's okay, you're doing really well, dear,” Regina cooed softly as she
rubbed comforting circles on Emma's hand.
“I got to the alleyway when some guy just grabbed me and pulled me down into
the dark. He threw me to the floor and started trying to undress me. I kicked
and hit out at him. I used all my strength to fight him off. He just got more
angry and said to me 'Let me remind you what it means to be a good little girl,
Emma.'” The blonde blinked her tears away and took a shaky breath, “It all came
back to me then. The guy who had just dragged me down the alley, who was trying
to rape me, was my old foster dad from that family.”
Regina's normally olive toned skin was paler than usual at hearing the
revelations from her girlfriend's mouth. She could not honestly believe what
Emma was saying. No wonder the blonde had been acting so off these last few
weeks but the one thing that stuck out to her was the fact that she was not
there for her when she needed her the most. Guilt set in, and she pulled Emma
in to a gentle but loving embrace,
“I am so sorry Emma. I had absolutely no idea... I want you to know that you
are not alone and that you never will be again.” Regina pulled away from the
cuddle and looked into vulnerable forest green eyes, “I want you to be able to
talk to me about anything and everything, okay? I hate the fact that you were
trying to cope with that on your own, Emma. I want to be able to help you.”
Emma nodded softly as a stray tear ran down her cheek. She did not know why she
did not tell Regina what had happened. Perhaps it was shame or fear and perhaps
a bit of pride. She did not want to come across as the weak one who needed
someone to help her fight her corner. Emma Swan never needed anyone before; she
sure as hell did not need them now, or so she believed,
“I know. I can talk to you. I just...I don't know. I just needed to try and
cope with this and work through it on my own? I don't want to be weak...”
Regina felt her heart sink at the blonde's words. Her heart started to beat
faster and her thoughts began to scatter all around her mind,
“Emma, baby, you are not weak. I understand that you needed time to wrap your
head around what happened, but the fact that you have talked about it does not
make you weak. It is quite the opposite actually. It shows how strong you are.”
The sheriff bit her lip as her eyes searched for something to focus on. She
took another sip of her drink and sighed heavily,
“I sure as hell don't feel strong. I feel weak and pathetic. I feel targeted. I
feel as though I am destined for a lifetime of abuse. Let's face it, that is
all I have ever known! He has found out somehow that I am in Storybrooke who's
to say that he won't be coming back?”
Emma started to cry she felt her worries pour out in the form of tears as she
clung to Regina, trying to seek some form of comfort and safety. She knew that
deep down, it was unlikely that she was ever going to see her old foster dad
again, but just the thought alone terrified her.
Regina held onto the shaking, vulnerable woman, feeling her heart grow weaker
and weaker with each tear she wiped from a pale cheek. She had never seen Emma
like this before, and she was not sure how to help her. Her thoughts began to
cause turmoil insider her mind,
You should have done better to protect her in the first place, Regina. You are
a useless partner! You cannot even comfort her and tell her that everything
will be okay. How can you make a promise you cannot keep?! She tried to shake
the thoughts away. She was going to do everything it takes to help Emma feel
safe again and she did not care how long that took her.
“I am always going to be here for you, Emma, that I can promise you. I can also
promise you that you are strong and that you are destined for greater things
than what you have experienced so far. I am going to stand by you and help you
through this, if you'll let me?”
Emma did not really know what Regina was talking about. She looked up into
brown eyes with a questioning gaze. The brunette smiled softly and looked right
back into forest green being sure to answer with gentleness in her tone,
“I think that it will be a good idea to find a good therapist that will work
with you and help you come to terms with what has happened. I can do that with
you, but I am not qualified to help you cope with the feelings that it all
brings up for you, and I do not want to fuck it up. This deserves the care and
attention only a therapist can bring to you.”
The blonde could feel panic rise up within her at the mention of a therapist.
She had no intentions of ever dealing with one of those in all her life, but
maybe Regina was right. Maybe she needed to speak to somebody to help her deal
with the emotions attached to what had happened to her in order to move on with
her life and not expect abuse. She did feel guilty in opening up and telling
Regina that all she had known is abuse and who's to say that it won't happen
again. In all honesty, she still half expected the brunette to turn around and
punch her in the face. She knew now that was never going to happen, no matter
how hard she pushed her. Emma thought about everything before inhaling sharply
and nodding,
“You're right. I need to deal with all of this in a controlled environment. It
would do me good to be able to put it all to bed and not have it define me.”
The brunette smiled and made a mental note to find a good therapist. She knew
that she would have to look for one outside of Storybrooke but she did not
care, as long as she found someone who could help and that Emma could feel she
could trust. She loved seeing the more positive side of Emma and even now, when
everything was so raw and fresh, the blonde still surprised her with some form
of positivity,
“I am so proud of you, Em.”
Emma could not find the words. She smiled and hugged Regina tight. She could
tell that something was not sitting right with the brunette, but she put it all
down to everything she had just said. It was only natural that Regina needed
time to digest everything and come to terms with it all.
“'Gina?”
“Hm?”
“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you ill with everything that's gone on. I
never meant for you to get hurt too.”
Regina could feel how intense her guilt was. She still blamed herself for
everything that happened to Emma. She still blamed herself in the sense that
she could have done more to protect her, she blamed herself that Emma got hurt
and violated again, and she blamed herself for not being approachable. Just to
add to that list, she now blamed herself for making Emma feel guilty. The mayor
shook her head quickly and looked at the blonde,
“No! No Emma, don't you dare feel guilty for this. This was not your fault! I
was worried about you, but really do not blame yourself for this, okay? I will
be okay, just like you will be.”
The blonde looked sceptical. She honestly did not know that it meant to be
“okay” any more and she had realised just how tired looking and thin her
girlfriend had become over the last few weeks. She sighed gently,
“Promise me one thing?”
“I will if it's something I can promise, dear.”
“Promise me that we will both get through this?”
Regina smiled softly as she pulled Emma in for another cuddle. She placed a
soft, loving kiss on her lips and whispered,
“I promise you we will get through this, together. We've got this, yeah?”
Emma's heart fluttered and her eyes lit up with hope and strength for the first
time in months as she heard her Regina's promise. She smiled and kissed full
plump lips,
“Yeah, we have, baby.”
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warnings: Mentions of Abuse/Historic Child Abuse, Self Harm/
     Blood, Flashbacks and Nightmares.
Things have most definitely not been easy since Emma explained what had
happened on the way home from the Rabbit Hole. The couple spent most of their
time together researching different psychiatrists that specialised in the type
of problems that the blonde needed help with, and every single one they
contacted expressed their desire to work with them but went on to say that
Emma's case was far too complex for them to handle and to “possibly try this
number.”
The sheriff started to grow increasingly anxious and agitated as they ended the
call to the twelfth doctor's office,
“It's no use! Nobody wants to help me! I'm far too broken for anyone to ever be
able to put me back together!,” she started to pace around the study as tears
of anger, frustration and desperation began to trickle down her cheeks, “How
can I possibly get better if no one is going to at least try to help?!”
Regina rose to her feet and took slow steps over to her rapidly crumbling
girlfriend. She hated seeing Emma so upset, she wished that she could do
something to at least try to help, or better still, to take it all away from
her. The brunette reached out and pulled Emma into a gentle, loving embrace and
used her free hand to trace comforting, soothing circles on her lower back,
“I know you are frustrated, dear. I am too. What we have got to remember is
that these people are professionals; they're experienced and they know what is
best. At least they are being honest with us by explaining that they are
probably not the best people to help instead of us going to meet them and
setting you up to fail.”
Emma inhaled sharply. She knew Regina was right. Her rational began to creep
back in and began to battle with her irrational self; she was so conflicted by
the situation. Parts of her wanted to give up and just throw in the towel, but
the biggest part of her knew that she wanted and needed help to live, cope, and
manage her emotions and how to deal with the traumas of her past. She sighed as
she tried to regain control before smiling faintly at the brunette,
“I know. I just... I'm scared that this is just going to consume me and that
I'll end up dragging you down with me. I don't want to mess up your life too,
Regina.”
The mayor stood back and looked into Emma's eyes. She could see the dark depths
of her soul reflecting back at her as tears now began to stream down her face,
leaving a trail of black from her make up,
“You are not dragging me anywhere, Emma. I love you, so much. We are in this
together, and no matter how difficult it is, whatever happens, I am always
going to be here to help and support you through this. You have most certainly
not messed my life up. If anything, you have made it a much more happier place
to be.”
The sheriff smiled weakly as she nodded her head. She knew that Regina
respected honesty and trust. She had never held anything back from her before,
and she had never lied to her, not even a small, little white one. She did know
in her heart of hearts that she would always be there for her, but fear began
to creep back in as she began to sob once again,
“How could it be a happier place? I haven't given you anything worthwhile! I'm
a mess and I don't know if I can ever be fixed! You deserve so much better than
this, Regina. You should get yourself out whilst you still can...”
Regina grabbed Emma's arms and gently shook her to try and inject some sense
into her. She could feel all of her emotions reaching exploding point as her
tears turned into more desperate and frantic ones,
“Emma! Emma, you listen to me. You are not worthless, and you have given me
something so special that can never be replaced or reproduced. You have given
me hope, shown me what it is truly like to be loved, respected, protected, and
cared for. You have helped me experience what it is like to finally be happy
and feel like I belong.” Regina tried her best to blink away some of her tears
as her eyes searched out Emma's. One of her hands reached out and began to
stroke her cheek softly, “I love you with every ounce of my being. I am not
going anywhere, believe me.”
The blonde sighed and wiped away her tears. She knew that what Regina was
saying was the truth, but with her being abandoned so many times in the past,
she knew that the fear would always be there, especially now that Regina knew
how weak she really was. Emma's internal dialogue started to settle down enough
so she could think more rationally about everything,
“I just want to be who I was before, you know? I don't care about going back in
time to solve everything that happened whilst I was in care. What I'm bothered
about most is how I've lost who I really am,” Emma inhaled sharply as more
tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. She clung to Regina to seek out some
much-needed comfort from the brunette, “I don't know what I like or dislike. I
don't know what my hobbies or interests are. I don't know how I'm going to act
or react to anyone or anything. I'm so sensitive to people's comments whereas
before I never gave a shit,” the blonde sighed heavily again, “I don't know if
I can trust anybody ever again, with the exception of you. You are the only
person who I have been with who hasn't given me any reason to doubt you.”
Regina could feel her pulse quicken as Emma spoke. Her heart ached as the
younger woman laid her heart on her sleeve and truly opened up to her. She
wished so hard that she could take away some of that fear, uncertainty and
violation; she would never take it all away, not when that was what made Emma,
Emma.
“Things are not going to be the same again, Em. They can be similar but you
cannot get back something that is gone. You can get back your personality and
even begin to trust people again but that will take time and extensive work,”
Regina glanced at her clock and turned back to Emma, “Speaking of which, I
think we should call this last number and then take a break and do something
fun. How does that sound?”
Emma nodded. The break from all of the stress sounded very appealing indeed,
but there was still one thing on her mind, something that she needed to so
desperately bring up with her girlfriend,
“Regina?”
“Yes, dear?”
“I want this help more than anything in the world. I don't want to be like this
for the rest of my life. I know what kind of impact it is having on you with me
acting this way. I just don't know how to control my thoughts, I'm trying
though,” Emma groaned at herself mentally as she realised she had began to
ramble. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, “What I'm trying to
say is, I know that you're suffering, too. I want you to have some support in
place to help you.”
Regina's heart almost exploded in gratitude but also guilt as she had never
intended on Emma picking up on her behavioural changes; the last thing that she
wanted to do was to put more pressure onto the blonde and make her feel even
worse about herself,
“Oh Emma, I--,” the brunette so desperately wanted to tell her that she was
okay but she would never lie to Emma; she cared and respected her more than
that, “I will admit that this has been difficult but that is not your fault. I
have never experienced anything like this before, it is all very new to me.”
Regina paused and quickly thought over the sheriff's words before inhaling
slowly and smiling, “If it will make you feel better then I will get some
support and help sorted, but you need not worry about that.”
Emma's worried look quickly turned to one of disgust. She scoffed before taking
hold of an olive toned hand,
“Do you really think I will just stand by and let you find some help on your
own? Really? After all that you've done to help me? Think again!”
Regina knew that the blonde had her best interests at heart, but she also knew
that she really needed to save all of her energy to help with her own problems
and recovery. She did not need someone else to worry about,
“I know, Emma. I know you want to help me the way I have you, but believe me
when I say this: you will need to preserve as much energy as possible in order
to help aid your own recovery. This is not going to be easy. You will be
drained of every emotion possible.”
The blonde worried her lip. She really did not know how she was going to cope
with not only opening herself up to a complete stranger in a therapeutic
environment, being in a mental health facility and dealing with overwhelming
emotions. She highly doubted that she would be able to find something to self
harm with once she was in the establishment, and that alone would drive her
crazy. She took a deep breath and mentally counted to five before slowly
exhaling again, earning a worried look from the brunette,
“I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm just...anxious, I guess. I want to be able to help
you, 'Gina. I feel so bad for putting you through all of this, and I just don't
know if I'm ready to expose myself to a complete stranger and get the most out
of the therapy. I'm not one to cope very well with overwhelming emotions...”
The mayor smiled softly to herself. She knew that the blonde was worried, but
she also knew that her thoughts and feelings were completely normal and natural
for what she was about to do. She gently tucked a stray piece of blonde hair
behind Emma's ear and placed a chaste kiss to dry lips,
“Do not feel bad, Emma. I want you to accept that my feelings, thoughts, and
actions are my stuff. You need to be able to separate the two. How I feel, how
I act, and how I think are all things that I do, not you. The same applies to
me for you. I cannot control how you feel, think or act upon. I wish I could
but I cannot. We are human. We have our own impulses and instincts.”
The younger woman looked in awe at the brunette, and slightly surprised,
“I had no idea you were a therapist,” Emma joked before turning serious again,
“Where did you learn that?”
Regina smiled and looked straight into a sea of green,
“Experience. Shall we get this last number called and see what they say, dear?”
Emma had no idea what Regina meant by experience. She stored that away to ask
at a later date. Right now she just wanted to get all of this out of the way so
she could enjoy some time with her woman that did not involve calling around
facilities to help with her damaged soul.
Regina dialled the next number on the list and she could feel her own heartbeat
increase. This was the last number that she could find and she did not know
where to turn if this was not the place for Emma. After a short few minutes the
receptionist on the other end of the line picked up in a friendly, warm tone.
The brunette explained what she was seeking, or rather, what Emma was seeking
and a grin spread across her face. She asked the receptionist if they could
book an appointment to meet with someone to discuss things further before
hanging up,
“So, I take it they sounded good then?” Emma was slightly pissed that Regina
had not relayed any messages back to her so she could make the decision if she
wanted to meet them to discuss things,
“They sound more than good. They sound absolutely perfect. They have different
counselling programmes to help with abuse of any kind as well as self harming
behaviours and they offer CBT and DBT, so you have a choice about how deep you
go into therapy. Friends and family can visit however often they like and it is
only a short term residential so you will not be away from home for long, maybe
three, four months.”
The blonde could feel her complexion rapidly change from crimson with anger to
ghostly pale with fear. She wanted the help more than anything, but she just
was not convinced that she had what it takes to get better,
“It would have been nice for you to ask what I thought before booking to meet
them, Regina. This is about my problems, my damaged soul, my past, not yours.”
Emma clenched her jaw, she could feel the turmoil begin to tear through her
like an out of control power tool, “It's going to be a complete waste of time
anyway, as if I am going to go to this place for three months and come out
cured! What kind of joke is that?”
Regina sighed softly as she realised her mistake,
“I'm sorry, dear. I just want what is best for you. I want you to feel more at
ease, safer with yourself. I want you to be able to trust yourself again,” she
jumped slightly at Emma's rapid change of mood and direction. She really did
not know how to respond or cope when the blonde's mood changing so rapidly,
“Emma, please, you said so yourself that you want this help.” Regina tried her
best to keep calm as Emma began to pace around the room tugging at her hair and
muttering to herself,
“You have no idea what it's like, Regina! I can't handle this! I can't go away
into some place where people don't know me and is full of lunatics. I don't
belong there! I belong here, with you, with my family and my friends! I don't
need help, I can help myself! I've done it before and I'll do it again!”
The brunette sighed softly, she really did not know what to do or say to try
and comfort the blonde. In all honesty, the whole experience was draining her
soul. She walked on over towards the sobbing blonde and wrapped her arms around
her cautiously,
“Emma, you do know that I have your best interests at heart, right?” The blonde
just nodded, “I am not going to push you into doing anything that you are not
ready to do or do not want to do, okay? I am here to support and love you and I
always will, no matter what.”
Emma sniffed heavily as she tried to gain control of her shaking body. All she
wanted to do was curl up and snuggle into Regina. She just needed and wanted to
feel safe and go back to being her old, usual self, but instead she was this
totally different person, and she did not like it. Sure, the sheriff had felt
isolated and lonely in the past, and she did not care what others thought about
her, but now? She hated going out with Regina. She hated when people stopped in
their tracks or turned around to look at her and began to whisper. She hated
herself more than ever,
“I don't know what to do,” she confessed before wiping away some stray tears
from her blotchy face, “I want to be calm and collected. I want to be the Emma
Swan I was when I arrived here. I want to be that feisty blonde who didn't give
a shit what people thought about me. I hate being spoken about whenever we go
out. I hate...I hate myself.”
Regina honestly did not know how to handle the entire situation. All she wanted
to do was break down and cry and hope that this was all just a nightmare, that
she would wake up and it would all be over. She knew one thing; she had to be
strong. Strong for herself and for the broken blonde beside her. The brunette
composed herself and noticed that it was getting late,
“You have nothing to hate yourself for, Emma. You are so strong, beautiful, and
wonderful. I am going to be by your side every step of the way. I promise.” She
gently tucked some hair behind Emma's ear and kissed her cheek tenderly, “Come
on. Let's go to bed. I think we both need a decent nights sleep.”
Emma just nodded and allowed her love to lead her to the bedroom. Once she got
there, she stared at her reflection on the mirror and almost did not recognise
herself. Her vibrant hair had turned a dirty blonde colour. Her face was dull
and haunted. She noticed that she had also lost some weight. She slowly removed
her jumper and noticed that the cuts on her arms had started to form into
scabs. She hated the way that they looked, so she began to pick at them until
they were bleeding again. The blonde quickly got changed into her pyjamas just
as Regina exited the en suite. Green eyes followed the olive toned beauty as
she climbed into bed,
“Aren't you coming?”
“I just need to brush my teeth. Someone takes a while in there. Must be your
beauty secret.”
Regina sat up slightly to look at the blonde wondering what she had meant by
that statement, and when the penny dropped, she looked slack jawed and threw a
sock in her general direction,
“You are trouble, Miss Swan.”
The sound of Emma's chuckle vibrated through the tiled bathroom shortly
followed by the sound of the water running and her brushing her teeth. Regina
loved that moment of hearing something other than Emma's sobbing and self-
loathing. It really had been too long since she heard genuine laughter from her
love.
Emma looked at herself once again in the bathroom mirror and could see how much
of a fuck up she really was. She hated what she was doing to Regina. She hated
what she was doing to herself, but there was no way in hell she was prepared to
go into hospital. She never needed anyone to help her in the past, and she
certainly did not need it now. As she placed her toothbrush back into the
cabinet she caught a glimpse of new razor blades and felt a shudder rip through
her entire body. She slammed the cabinet shut and practically ran into bed
beside the sleepy brunette,
“I love you, 'Gina. I'm sorry, for everything.”
“I love you too, Emma. I just wished there was something else that I could do
to try and help you.”
The blonde turned to face the mayor and made solid eye contact for the first
time since earlier that afternoon,
“There is. Like I said, I want you to feel supported and I would hate for you
to be alone during all of this. I would feel better knowing that you had
someone to talk to for help, support and advice too. I know how this is
destroying you and that you are only putting on a front. I'm so sorry that I've
been a nightmare recently...”
Regina scooted closer and wrapped her arms around a toned waist, almost using
her arm as a protective barrier, shielding the love of her life from any other
abuse that life may throw her way,
“Hey. Seriously, you have not been a nightmare, Emma. You have been going
through a really difficult time, and your reactions are only normal given the
situation. I promise you that I will seek some support but I do not want to
hear you apologise again, okay? This is not your fault.”
Emma only nodded. She did not have the energy to argue right now. She hated how
her mind and heart endured constant battles; she just wanted to be normal
again, whatever normal meant.
The brunette smiled gently and placed a loving kiss to her forehead,
“Good girl. Try and get some rest, my love.”
Olive arms stayed wrapped around the blonde. Her fingertips traced soothing
circles on the small of her back as she drifted off into what Regina thought
would be a peaceful slumber. Her own eyes felt gritty and ached for some rest,
and after an hour of watching Emma sleep soundly she gave into the pull of
dreamland.
The younger woman woke a little while later. Her body glistened with sweat from
the streak of moonlight that poured in through the window. She could feel her
entire body shaking as the same old nightmare tore her from her sleep.
She glanced over at Regina who remained in a deep slumber before sliding out of
bed and making her way downstairs to where the brunette kept her home made
apple cider. Shaky hands carefully poured a tumbler full, quickly followed by
another. Five glasses later the blonde swept her hair from out of her eyes and
sighed heavily. Her eyes darted to the clock which displayed it was 3:30am.
Emma sighed as her mind wandered off to her reoccurring nightmare,
“Emma, my sweet girl, come over here and give your Daddy a cuddle?”
Emma shuddered. The man standing in the doorway repulsed her. She knew deep
down that what he does to her is wrong but she could not bring herself to speak
out about any of it; no one would believe her anyway,
“I'm busy. I've got to do my homework.” she knew that saying no to him was a
big mistake. She had hoped that using her homework as an excuse would deter him
somewhat,
“What did you just say?” The man took slow but purposeful strides across from
the doorway to the table. The closer he got, the more the teenager could smell
the alcohol mixed with his sweat, “I do not give a shit about what YOU are
doing. This is MY house so you will do exactly what I say!”
Strong masculine hands reached out and snatched Emma's exercise book from under
her, throwing it on the floor along with the rest of her school work and
stationary. His hands grabbed thin, protruding shoulders and pulled the blonde
out of her seat with force. Emma knew what was coming. She had gotten used to
it.
The man pulled her up the stairs and threw her into her bedroom before slamming
the door shut. Emma risked a look at her so called foster Dad and regretted it
straight away. The smirk on his face sickened her as he unzipped his trousers
and let them drop to the floor,
“Open your eyes and fucking look at me, girl!” He stepped out of his pants and
quickly paced the floor to where the teenager stood, looking down at the floor,
trying desperately hard to think of something, anything to help her escape. She
knew that it was pointless and the easiest way to survive this was to give him
what he wants. She slowly flicked her eyes upward and directed them to him,
“There's a good girl. You know what you need to do.”
Of course the blonde haired girl knew what she needed to do. This had only been
her routine since entering this placement. Her previous families would starve
her, hit her, disregard her. The previous group home she was in? Well she would
rather die than go back to that place. Emma really fucking hated her parents
for giving her up, or rather, abandoning her at the side of the road, when she
was a baby; if it was not for them, she would not be going through this.
Emma closed her eyes once again and slowly got down onto her knees. Her whole
body trembled with hatred and she felt physically sick. This time she was going
to at least try and get away. This time she was going to be brave and throw
caution to the wind. Emma's thought's of escape were ripped away when rough
hands slammed her head to where he wanted it. He forced himself in her mouth
and pulled her hair with such force clumps fell out into his palms. The blonde
knew it was now or never. She stopped struggling and when he was least
expecting it she clamped her teeth down with all the force she could muster.
She did not know how long she had been scratching at her skin for, but when
Emma managed to finally ground herself, it was red raw. She poured herself
another glass of cider and quickly gulped it down without so much as a flinch
from the burning sensation in her throat. Dirty blonde hair began to cling to
her forehead as the room started to spin and breathing was almost impossible.
She ran to the downstairs bathroom just in time to vomit down the loo.
Her slender, broken body slouched over porcelain for five minutes as she tried
to gain some control over her internal thoughts,
“To hell with this shit!” the blonde murmured to herself. “I'm already a
fucking let down, let's add to the never ending list, Swan.”
She picked herself up off of the floor and searched in the cabinet. It did not
take her long to come across what she was looking for. The younger woman
pressed the cool metal against her skin and pulled it down her arm as slowly
and deeply as she could. She moaned softly as she could feel the relief
flooding through her entire body and the tell-tale signs of blood dripped down
her arm. It was not enough. Emma removed the blade from completing its first
cut and repeated the process elsewhere on her skin, again and again and again
and again.
At some point, Emma had sat herself back on the floor. She glanced at her arm
that was now a mass of red liquid, but she did not care. The blonde dragged the
blade in a different direction, cutting over existing wounds and started to
feel light headed,
“Damn you Regina and your fucking apple cider,” were the last words to slip
past her dry, pale pink lips before darkness overcame her.
Regina stirred and reached a hand out to place around Emma but all she could
feel was the coolness of the sheets. She frowned in confusion and tried again,
only to be greeted with the empty space next to her. The brunette turned her
bedside light on and glanced around the room and slid out of bed, wrapping her
night robe around her to fight off the night chill. She made her way over to
the en-suite and saw no light on but she knocked and checked anyway, and when
Emma was not in there, she began to panic.
The mayor turned the landing light on and made her way downstairs. She noticed
the kitchen light was on and rolled her eyes,
“Of course Emma would be in the kitchen, she is always hung--”
When she entered the room to find it empty besides for the half empty decanter
of cider and empty glass, she frowned again. She looked at the clock and
noticed it was only 4am. She really did not think Emma was the type to go out
for a early morning stroll. It was a chore to get her out of bed for food. The
brunette flicked the kitchen light off and was heading to the lounge when she
noticed the bathroom light on. Goose pimples began to form on olive toned skin
as her hand reached out for the handle. Something really did not feel right.
She turned the knob slowly,
“Emma...?” Nothing could have prepared the brunette for the sight that she was
about to see. White floor tiles were splattered with droplets of blood as Emma
sat slumped against the wall. “EMMA!” Regina raced over to the blonde and
gently shook her to try and get some response out of her. In all of the panic
she looked at the wounds and noticed that they were not life threatening, but
they were in need of some stitches, “Emma, darling, wake up.” Regina shook the
blonde again who groaned at the rude awakening,
“What the...? What time is it?!” Emma moaned and rubbed her eyes. Her head
throbbed and she felt burning in her left arm causing her to hiss and frown,
and then she remembered. Green eyes flew open and looked into deep chocolate
brown, “Regina I--,” Emma tried to form an excuse but really, there was not one
to give.
The brunette got up slowly and got her first aid kit. She handed the blonde a
towel and instructed her to wash her wounds thoroughly before patting them dry.
Emma hissed and cursed as the water made contact with her skin. The pain made
her knees go weak with more relief and a sense of grounding. When she started
to pat them dry it suddenly dawned on her what she had done and how sad Regina
looked,
“Regina, I'm so sorry. I—I don't know what's happened...”
The mayor shook her head gently and took hold of Emma's arm softly to inspect
the wounds,
“They look superficial but there are some deep ones. They will probably need
stitches...”
The blonde snatched her arm back in horror at the mention of stitches. She knew
that would mean going to the hospital, and there was no way she was going
there,
“They don't need anything of the sort! Just patch them up with a bandage,
they'll be fine,” Emma looked up at Regina and saw the look on her face, “I
can't go to the hospital, Regina. They'll lock me up for sure!”
The brunette sighed gently and took hold of the blonde's arm again to begin
dressing the wounds as carefully and cautiously as she could,
“They will not lock you up, Emma. They will probably want to do a psych exam,
though,” Regina could see the panic rise in Emma's face, “We were looking at
getting you help anyway, dear. I thought that is what you wanted?”
Emma winced as the material made contact with the deepest wound. She knew
Regina was right, but the thought of being examined by psych freaked her out to
no end. She was not sure if she even wanted to go away to the appointment they
had later in the morning. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she began to
feel overwhelmed by her emotions,
“I feel so weak. I want to get better on my own. I can't stand the thought of
somebody else, a so called doctor, helping me through it all. It terrifies me!
I won't be able to trust them and open up to them enough for them to help me,
so what's the point? I mean, really?”
Regina knew that Emma had strong trust issues and did not cope well when
meeting new people, and it was not any wonder why. The younger woman had been
abused by too many people. Most, if not all, were in a position of trust at the
time. She pulled the blonde into a loving embrace and sighed against her hair,
“You are not weak, Emma. You are entirely the opposite. The fact that you can
recognise your fears and tell me about them, talk about them? Well, not many
people can do that.”
Emma scoffed as she looked at the brunette. She did not feel strong, in
control, or powerful, which are some of the words she knew the brunette would
use,
“You're kidding, right? I am weak. I did this because of a nightmare that I
just can't shake off! It's been the same damned one since that night after the
Rabbit Hole and it's just pathetic!”
“Emma, what you have been through is traumatic. I honestly am not surprised
that you have been having nightmares since. I would be worried if you did not.
It is perfectly normal to be going through these emotions; they are normal
given the circumstances. What you need help with is to be able to manage all of
those thoughts and emotions in a safe and healthy way.”
Regina hoped that Emma would be able to take in everything that she had just
said. The brunette hated feeling so powerless and useless over the situation,
but there really was nothing else she could do for Emma other than always
standing by her, supporting her, and loving her unconditionally. The blonde
knew that Regina was right. She did need help with being able to manage her
emotions and coping. She hated harming herself because she knew that she was
not only hurting herself, but she was hurting Regina, too. Emma sighed softly,
“You're right. I can't keep doing this to myself, to you. It's not fair,” she
glanced down at her arm and noticed the blood was starting to seep through
before inhaling sharply, “Do you still want to take me to the hospital?” Regina
nodded slightly. “Then I'll go.”
Regina smiled proudly as she placed a chaste kiss upon Emma's lips. They both
got changed into something more warm and appropriate before setting off on the
short journey to the hospital.
The brunette pulled up in the car park and noticed the blonde had started to
get restless and nervous. She placed a hand on Emma's knee and gave it a soft
squeeze,
“It is going to be okay, I promise. I am going to be with you the whole time
and I am not going to leave your side, okay?”
“Do you promise?” Emma knew that she sounded like a small child but she really
fucking hated hospitals and everything that they represent. “Please don't leave
me, 'Gina. Even if the doctors ask for you to give us time alone, don't?”
Regina smiled warmly,
“I promise.”
That was all Emma needed to hear. She knew that Regina would stay true to her
word. They both got out of the car and entered the hospital. Emma gave her
details to the receptionist and was just about to sit down when the doctor
called them through to the treatment room.
Emma walked into the room first, closely followed by Regina who sat down on the
chair beside the bed where Emma perched, nervously swinging her legs. The
doctor was a young male and with him was a slightly older woman. Regina scanned
them trying to determine whether they were good enough to deal with her Emma.
“Good morning, Ladies.” It was the young male who broke the silence first with
his cheery tones, but there was also a soothing gentleness to his tones, “I am
Doctor Whale, and this is Jac who is from the mental health team. Now, I
understand that you have self harmed, Emma. Is that right?”
The blonde cringed at the way that Doctor Whale addressed her, but she went
along with it and nodded. She could feel the shame, regret and embarrassment
all creeping into play and she just hoped she could keep the defensive side at
bay,
“Okay. Do you mind if we take a look at the wounds?”
Emma tensed up but nodded again. She untied the bandage and carefully removed
it before extending her arm out for the doctor to examine properly,
“They're not even that bad but I kinda overdid it on one or two and went deeper
than I intended. 'Gina thinks that they might need stitches?”
The doctor looked up and exchanged looks between the two women and smiled
softly. He could sense how scared Emma was and he wanted to make her feel like
she was safe around him,
“She was right, honey. You only need five or six at the most, though. Would you
like some local anaesthetic to help with the pain before I start with the
suturing?”
Emma shook her head. She could not stand the feeling of numbness from the
local. She also needed to feel the pain of the stitches to try and help her not
self harm again. It was a stupid thought, but one that she sat with through all
six stitches. When the doctor was done, he gave Emma a sweet smile and cleaned
the area gently before dressing it,
“Okay. You will need to come back in three days to the dressing clinic to have
the stitches checked, and they will check on the healing progress. Do you know
how to clean the area and redress it?”
“Yeah, I've had plenty of experience. I know to keep it dry, when I do clean it
pat it dry and I know how to dress it and stuff. Thanks....”
“You are more than welcome, Emma.” He smiled at her again before turning to
Jac, knowing that she wanted to do her assessment now. “Emma, do you mind if
Jac asks you some questions? Just given the reason you have come to the
department today, it's routine that we ask for someone to come and give you a
psychological examination.”
The blonde shrugged slightly and sighed. She knew it was coming. She was just
hoping that it would not have been as soon as this,
“Whatever. You guys need to do your jobs I guess. I would like Regina to stay
in the room, though.”
“That is perfectly fine. If that is what you want, then she can stay. I will
leave you ladies to it, and if there is anything you need then I will be around
so please don't be afraid to ask.”
Both Regina and Emma watched as Doctor Whale left the room, leaving Jac with
them. The brunette scanned her eyes up and down the curvy brunette. She envied
Jac's long legs more than anything else. She could not help but wonder why she
had to be so short. It was not until Emma giggled that Regina was brought back
to her surroundings causing her to blink a few times out of confusion,
“Huh?”
Emma smirked and green eyes lit up the way they did when a playful yet cocky
remark was about to fall from her perfect lips,
“Very eloquent, dear.” Emma looked back towards Jac and smiled, “I am sorry
about Regina, she is usually on the ball. I don't know what has got into her.”
Regina raised a sculpted brow at the blonde and cleared her throat,
“Beg my pardon. I simply lost focus for a moment. Do you mind going over what
was said again?”
Jac nodded with an understanding smile that ghosted across her lips before
going over what her and Emma had discussed,
“Certainly. Emma was just telling me about how she was raised in foster care
and group homes. She has told me brief details about her time there and also
touched upon the more recent assault,” Jac turned her attention back to the
blonde before proceeding, “Is it correct in me believing that the more recent
ordeal has resurfaced your past traumas and triggering the decline in your
mood, Emma?”
The blonde felt herself tense up, not so much at the questions Jac was asking,
but more because she felt safe in talking to her. The whole experience for her
was very new, and she did not know what to think or feel about it. She felt
terrified and threatened that she would confide in the woman only to have her
trust broken and betrayed once again, but something inside of her made her
continue,
“It has. I mean, the guy who tried to assault me recently was one of my past
foster parents...I mean, if you can call him that.” Emma played with her hands
as the nerves began to creep up on her. She glanced at Regina who offered her
hand, which she took and held on tightly to it. “I don't even know how he
managed to pass clearance to be able to foster in the first place.”
Jac made some notes and nodded at appropriate times to let the younger woman
know that she was listening. She made eye contact once again,
“I am sure that you have already been told this, but I want to make sure that
you understand. How you've responded to this kind of trauma is perfectly
understandable. Many individuals report self harm, which is seen as a coping
technique, and although it is not seen as a massive problem, it is not the most
helpful way of coping. It can have a negative impact on how you feel about
yourself as well as the people around you. It can also lead to physical health
complications such as infections and diseases.” Jac stopped when she noticed
that Emma looked guilty, “That does not mean that you ought to feel guilty for
self harming though, Emma. I want to propose something to you and it is okay if
you do not want to do it.”
Emma looked up and exchanged looks with Regina before taking a deep breath and
exhaling it slowly,
“I know what you're gonna say. You would like to help me learn some better
coping techniques and to help me cope with my emotions and thoughts?” Jac
looked surprised but nodded confirming Emma's statement, “Regina gave me a
heads up before we came here. So...do I book weekly appointments with you
then?”
The taller brunette's smile faltered slightly and Regina felt herself tense up.
She knew what was coming next. She rather hoped that they would be able to
leave the hospital and go to their appointment as planned but what was
important was that Emma got help. At least this way she would still be in
Storybrooke so her parents were able to visit.
“Emma I do not see people in the community. I am a ward based consultant. That
just simply means that I work within the hospital where I can keep a close eye
on my patients. Personally I only agree to see three patients at a time so I
can focus as much time and commitment to each of them to ensure that they make
steady progress so they are able to go back to their families. How would you
feel about staying with us? I would recommend you to be admitted for at least
six weeks so we are able to work through triggers, emotions, coping and
distraction techniques.”
The blonde completely freaked out. She sat bolt upright on the bed and stared
wide eyed at Regina,
“I can't stay here! Regina, please, tell her! I just want to go home and just
work through this from home. I don't belong in a mental health hospital!”
Regina sighed and took hold of a shaking sweaty palm. She needed to be able to
get through to the blonde, but she also knew that she needed to be sensitive so
not to upset her further,
“Emma, listen to me. We both knew that this was a possible outcome of coming
here, and we both know that it is for the best that you stay. Yes, it is not
the place that I would have liked you to be, but it is better than nothing. If
you do not like it here I can see if the clinic will accept you as a transfer
but it will mean leaving Storybrooke and only seeing me at certain times and
probably not every day...”
The younger woman started to panic, and she felt so conflicted. She knew that
she had to do this to get better, but at the same time she already felt like
she had lost so much from being assaulted. She could not lose any more pride
and respect for being admitted to a mental health hospital. She sat up and
swung her legs off of the side of the bed and shook her head,
“No. No. I'm not staying in this place! I have only self harmed it's not like
I've tried to actually take my life or anything!”
Jac looked up at the younger woman's outburst and jotted down the changes in
her behaviour and what she was saying. She looked at Regina with an apologetic
look before asking the next question,
“I know that this is a massive shock for you Emma. You must realise that Regina
and myself only have your best interests at heart. I need to ask you something
else and it is very important that you answer me as truthfully and honestly as
you can.” She paused and managed to get the blonde's full attention, “Have you
had any thoughts or made any plans to commit suicide?”
Emma's complexion changed rapidly. She could feel her ears burning with anger
at being asked such a question. She had thought that she would be better off
dead but never did she ever make any plans to take her own life. She could
never do such a thing to Regina,
“I've been nothing but honest with you the whole time, so what the hell? I've
had thoughts that I would be better off not here any more, but not once have I
ever thought about planning to end my own life. I love Regina too much.”
The petite brunette felt her heart break at her lover’s confession. She was
glad that she proved too cherished, too important for Emma to leave, but she
wanted something more from the blonde. Tears began to spill down her cheeks as
the younger woman kept insisting that she did not need to be admitted,
“Emma, for the love of God, just stop! Can you not see what you are doing to
yourself? To me?! You are hurting the both of us! I do not think I have what it
takes to keep you safe, to keep you alive.” Regina began to sob as she lowered
her voice again. Emma stared at her in shock and guilt as she continued, “I do
not want to come home from work to discover you dead or bleeding. I want to be
able to stay awake all night every night to wake you up from your nightmares,
but I just cannot do that. I want you to feel as though you can talk to me
about anything instead of bottling it all up, too proud, too ashamed to talk
about any of it!” She sobbed and wiped the tears from her face before searching
for those comforting green eyes she had grown to love. “Above all else, I just
want you to get better.”
The blonde stared back into immense dark brown eyes. She really could see what
she was doing to Regina. She was not stupid. She knew that the brunette had not
been eating or sleeping properly, and that she feared the worst every time she
came in from being at work or out running errands or getting the groceries. She
knew that she had to at least try, but there was something that she was not
going to let go,
“You want me to get help? To stay here?” Regina nodded as Emma sucked in a
mouthful of air and proceeded to exhaling slowly, “Okay. Okay. I'll stay. I'll
work at getting better. I'll try and learn how to manage my emotions better and
how to cope instead of self destructing, but only if you hold up your end of
the bargain and find some help and support for yourself.”
The mayor could not hide her look of shock and relief as the most stubborn
woman she has ever come across finally accepted the one thing that she asked of
her. She sighed softly as her tears of desperation and heartbreak turned into
ones of happiness and relief, she nodded and smiled softly but with pride at
the love of her life,
“Thank you, Emma. I know that you are thinking that you are doing this for me
but you need to do this for you first. You are the most important person in all
of this, no one else.” she noticed the look Emma gave her and she shook her
head softly, “I promise that I will get some help and support. You have
inspired me into doing so, dear.”
Emma looked absolutely terrified. Her whole body shook as she held onto
Regina's hand. She had absolutely no idea what to expect and what being inside
a mental health hospital was like. She did not know what other patients in
there were like, what they are capable of, was there certain things that she
was not allowed with her and most of all, when would she get to see Regina
next?
“'Gina, when will I get to see you? I mean, I'm staying in Storybrooke, right?
Can you see me every day?”
Regina looked towards Jac who was so proud of Emma accepting the help, and she
nodded addressing both women at the same time,
“Regina can visit every day. Visiting times are 2-4 then 6-8pm all week. You
can take your mobile phone with you but we are required to keep your phone
charger locked in the office. When you need your phone charging you will leave
it in the office and get it later on. You are allowed earphones and headphones
but razors, scissors or other electronics need to be handed in. I know it seems
tedious and that you are an adult, but I am afraid patient safety comes first.”
Jac smiled apologetically at the two women before continuing, “You will be
assigned a nurse at the start of each shift but I will be your psychiatrist.
You will meet me on a weekly basis. We will work through everything but in a
pace that is set by you. If there is something you do not wish to talk about or
want to go over then that is perfectly fine. Just tell me. If you feel that you
cannot work with me then that is fine as well. I can ask someone else to see
you...”
“...No!” Emma's eyes widened in panic. Finally she had met someone who she can
trust and feels safe around. She did not want to let that go, “No, I want to
work with you, please?”
Jac smiled and looked from Regina back to Emma,
“It would be my pleasure. I will go and make a bed call and get your room all
set up for you and I will be back shortly to take you to the unit. Regina can
come over with you as well but I am afraid that you will have to stay in the
visiting areas. No visitors are permitted in the bedrooms and in communal
areas.”
Regina nodded and ran her fingers gently through golden hair knowing that the
gestures helps to calm and sooth the blonde,
“I understand. Thank you so much, for all of this.”
“It has been my pleasure. I will come by with some numbers for you to call for
some help and support too, if you like?”
“That would be great. Thank you.”
Jac smiled and left the two women alone as she began the admission process for
her newest patient.
The brunette held Emma close to her chest and played with her hair. She had so
many different emotions running through her body. She did not know what to do
or say other than to tell Emma what she did know,
“I am so proud of you, Em. You really have no idea how much I love, respect,
and admire you.”
“That's just stupid.”
“No, it is not. You have come here. You have let the Doctor examine you
physically and then explained everything to Jac. You have accepted the help
that she has offered you and you have not ran away.”
Emma sighed and she could feel her cheeks flushing a light pink shade. She
hated compliments and found certain things difficult to hear and understand.
Nobody else had ever said anything of the sort to her, and to hear it all now
was so new to her. She trusted Regina with her life, and she knew that she
would never lie to her. She smiled and cuddled closer into her,
“I'm not running. I've stopped that. This is the start of the improved Emma
Swan. There'll be no more running away from my problems. Instead, I'm going to
work through them.”
Another tear slipped down Regina's cheek as she looked at the blonde. The
amount of love she felt for the woman before her was unreal, and she really did
not know how she would be able to cope if Emma had not decided to stay in
hospital, or worse, had tried and succeeded in ending her life. The brunette
shook her head to rid the thoughts from her brain and smiled at the blonde,
“I am glad to hear it, dear.”
The couple stayed in exactly the same position for what seemed to be a long
time. The sound of the door opening and closing broke them out of their trance
and they glanced at the intruder. When they realised it was Jac, Emma knew that
the time had come already as she looked at Regina and lunged herself at the
smaller woman. She pressed her lips against hers in a slow, passionate but
loving kiss that was full of emotion and promise,
“I'm going to get better, 'Gina. I swear. I'm going to try my best and get the
most out of all of this. I won't let you down, baby.”
“I will see you every day, I promise. Unless you do not want me too, then I
respect that. I love you so much, Emma. Good luck, dear.”
Regina moulded their lips together as more tears spilt down her cheeks. She
never expected the ordeal to be so emotional. When Emma was the first one to
break contact, she knew that she was ready to face up to her problems and get
the help that she needed, which made the brunette happy.
Jac looked at Emma and gave her a warm, reassuring smile,
“Are you ready?”
Emma looked from Jac to Regina before returning her eyes straight ahead of her
and firmly nodding,
“As ready as I'll ever be.”
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