Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4986031.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager, Levi_&_Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Eren_Yeager, Erwin_Smith, Hange_Zoë
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Drama, Slow_Build, Pining, Breathplay, Violence, Dom/sub
      Undertones, Masturbation, Dry_Humping, Humiliation, Name-Calling,
      Drunkenness, Accidental_Drug_Use
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-10-12 Words: 24414
****** Inanimatum Quoddam Sidus ******
by Miku
Summary
     Eren's feelings towards his Captain only increase the closer they get
     to their next, most dangerous as of yet, mission.
     He tries to respect Levi enough and keep his little crush to himself
     but it seems like the older man is far more observant than he'd
     initially believed him to be.
     Yet, as Levi keeps pushing him away, Eren starts to figure out that
     perhaps his Captain is hiding something of his own.
     Who is Levi exactly? How compassionate is he? What's up between him
     and Erwin? Why is his sense of humour so atrociously bad? What makes
     him tick?
     Most of all, how deeply exactly does he care for the young boy?
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
                                        
                                        
 'There's a feeling that I can't describe and there's a reason that I can not
                                     hide.
   Because I've never seen a light that's so bright as the light that shines
                               behind your eyes.
  I can see this life and what you mean to me and when I dreamed I dreamed of
                                     you.
                   Then I wake... Tell me, what could I do?
                    I had to let you go to the setting sun.
                I had to let you go and find a way back home.'
                                    [x] [x]
Eren wasn't sure what it had been exactly that had made him wax poor poetry to
himself in the middle of the day. Perhaps it had been the intimately-charged
dream he'd suffered through last night. Perhaps it had been the ache he'd felt
in his stomach when he'd witnessed what had come close to a smile on the
Captain's face. An almost-grimace but with mischief in his eyes, all of it
directed towards someone who hadn't been Eren. Or maybe it was just the
realization that they'd be outside of the walls in less than two months on
their most dangerous mission yet, and as always this could lead to either the
Captain or Eren's death; prematurely ending whatever it was that Eren was only
just discovering about himself regarding his superior.
But maybe, Eren pondered, but maybe his chest felt this tight because Levi
chose to spend some evenings in the boy's company, sharing tea and silence in
which the boy would fidget on the spot and the Captain would appear as
indifferent as he always did. The man's jokes were dry and crude, quick and
witty enough for Eren to miss their punch-lines over and over again, causing
him to gape at Levi until the man would wave his hand to dismiss whatever it
had been he'd tried to communicate to his scout.
Then there had been that incident two weeks ago in which Hange had pushed
Eren's powers -his Titan self- too far and too hard. Levi had been forced to
end the exercise two hours in by cutting the boy from his Titan's nape in order
to pull him from the searing hot flesh with gritted teeth and words Eren had
not been able to decipher in his hazed state of mind. He'd woken up not much
later in the shade of his Captain leaning over him, the sun in the sky casting
a halo around his frame like some he were some damn guardian angel. Though his
body had ached head to toe, Eren had sat himself upright with the help of a
firm hand between his shoulder blades.
“How are you feeling?” Levi had asked him with a voice as bland as his face had
been.
“I'm fine.” He'd hesitated before adding. “Just tired.”
Levi's eyes had narrowed at the boy's much wider ones which had been incapable
of holding his gaze and ended up staring down at his own clenched fists in his
lap. The Captain had seemed to have wanted to say something, most likely insult
him for being a shitty brat who didn't know -let alone respect- his own
boundaries, before Hange had interrupted them by running towards them from
across the field, limbs flailing.
She'd seemed worried but more so excited, apologizing and complimenting Eren at
the same time as she'd pulled him into a hug. Though the boy's brain had felt
stuffed with cotton; slowing its process dramatically, he'd still tensed
visibly when being removed from his Captain's grip to have his face shoved nose
first into a squishy chest.
Eren had protested weakly, still exhausted and slightly nauseas, pressing a
weak hand against one of her shoulders.
“Let him go, four-eyes.” The Captain had scolded the scientist but had made no
move to tug Eren from her arms such as the boy had secretly hoped him to.
When she did loosen her grip on the young boy, Eren had felt his world spin
around and had had to squeeze his eyes shut to not witness the sickening sight
of his surroundings swirling around him. Even when seated he'd had trouble
keeping his balance and swayed a bit where he'd been sitting on the grass.
One of them had steadied him with a hand on his shoulder, Eren had been too
nauseas to open his eyes and see who it'd been.
Hange had kept talking, babbling words Eren had not been capable of taking in,
let alone comprehend. When the hand on his shoulder had tightened its grip the
boy had been able to tell, by strength and heat alone, that it had been his
Captain's.
“Hange. Shut up.” Levi had spoken with a tremor in his voice, something Eren
had never heard before and for a second he'd suspected himself to have been
hallucinating; wistfully so.
However, the silence that had followed had been tense, off, and with great
difficulty Eren had managed to raise his heavy lids. The sunlight had been
blinding, but the iciness of winter had been a blessing to the boy's burning
skin.
It'd taken him all of five disorientated seconds before Eren had realized both
his Captain and Hange had been staring at him.
“W-what?” He'd tried to get an answer from Hange first but she kept quiet even
as their eyes had locked. Her face had appeared concerned as well as ashamed-
no, regretful.
Not getting a reply off the scientist Eren had timidly looked back to his
right, meeting his Captain's stare. Levi had snapped his mouth shut -teeth
clacking- which had been only slight agape and the lids of his eyes had drooped
back to their default bedroom gaze. Though there'd been some kind of expression
on his face half a second prior, Eren had been too out of it to read any of it
and continued to stare at his Captain's blank features.
“You're bleeding.” Had been his simple explanation and whilst Eren had brought
up a heavy hand to prod fingers over his face until the tips gotten smeared
with liquid, Levi had retrieved something from underneath his cloak. He'd
shaken his hand once, unfolding a linen handkerchief, and unlike Eren had
expected him to, he'd not handed over the piece of fabric. Rather, the Captain
had optioned to gently cup Eren's nose with the cloth, pressing softly. The boy
had instinctively tried to tip his head back, thinking this would make the
bleeding cease quicker, but his Captain had cradled the back of his skull and
softly pushed his head down until he'd been leaning with elbows on knees,
staring at the grass below between his sprawled legs.
Even when Levi had began to scold the scientist, his hands had not left Eren's
nose nor the back of his head, pinky-finger hot on the boy's nape where it met
his skull.
“This is the last time I allow you to be in full charge of him.” Levi had
spoken, his voice much colder than Eren had ever heard it before and it'd taken
him three days before he'd figured out it had been confined rage that he'd
witnessed within the man's clipped tones.
“He's my responsibility and I'll be damned to have him die a lousy death by the
hands of a crazy scientist before he can even show his worth.”
“I'm so sorry, Le-”
“A week. I want him to be left alone to recuperate for at least seven days
starting right now.”
His words, though still muffled in the boy's groggy brain, had been enough to
have Eren's heart increase its pace after it had only just started to calmed
down.
“Understood?”
“Yes, Captain.” She'd humbly replied.
Though Levi wasn't a man who felt it necessary to have the last word, or to
pour oil onto a heated discussion in order to have it ignite, nor to add any
kind of repetitive conclusions when he'd have deemed a conversation finished,
he still chose to speak up once more. It had been uncharacteristic for the man
who'd prefer to communicate through glares rather than taking the chance to
voice his concerns and make it easier for others to read him by his lilts and
intonations.
“There's enough weight on his shoulders as it is. The Brat needs all the breaks
he can get.”
Eren had not been exactly sure how emotionally invested his Captain had felt
with him when saying that. However, it had still caused his stomach to clench,
chest to burn and eyes to prickle.
All in all, whatever it had been that had caused Eren to perceive his Captain
in a new light, it was too late to fight it now. The dam had burst and it was
only a matter of time before his perceptive superior would figure out something
was off with his scout.
“Oi, brat.”
Eren flinched at the familiar voice before looking up from his plate of food
and noticing -with slight horror- that the long table no longer was surrounded
by his fellow friends and soldiers. How he'd sat through thirty-something
people leaving the room, how he'd not noticed the loud chatter making place for
absolute silence, wasn't even that surprising anymore. Nonetheless, still
rather embarrassing.
With his head in the clouds most of the time, Eren did have a tendency to make
a fool out of himself in front of the Captain. Levi had been a witness to it
more than once and hence, when their eyes met, he merely cocked an eyebrow at
him before sipping from his tea.
“It's past your bed time.” The man spoke in a monotone voice and again Eren
couldn't figure out whether he was making a joke or not. He stared at the older
man's features for a few seconds before he gave up trying to read him and
instead buried his face in the palms of his hands with a sigh, elbows planted
upon the wooden table-top.
“I'm not tired.” The boy complained uncharacteristically, not one to talk back
at his Captain, but granted he'd not felt like himself for various days now.
“No, you don't look tired.” Levi agreed, surprisingly, and Eren peeked through
his fingers to watch him lower his cup of tea back on the table. His fingers
stayed on the porcelain's rim for a moment, absentmindedly traveling the tips
of his digits over its smooth surface. This did more to Eren's self-composure
than he'd ever would've expected such an innocent act to be able to.
“Constipated, more like.”
Eren bristled at this, straightening up in his seat and burying his hands in
his lap, frowning.
“I-I'm not constipated, sir.” He assured the man almost desperately, blushing
by the audaciousness of his words.
Levi seemed unimpressed by the exclaim and stared at the tea cup, seated with
one arm thrown over the back of his own chair as he leaned to his right,
slouched in a sideways fashion.
“Not tired, not constipated.” He began before pausing in which he appeared to
be forming his next words carefully in his mind. “Tell me, Eren.”
Such as was the case every damn time again, the Captain saying Eren's name like
that; like he couldn't be bothered articulating it, only exhaling it and
rolling the 'r' simply because of his dialect, as if it was just another word
to not be given any thought to, caused the scout to wriggle in his seat with a
blush on his cheeks.
“If it isn't exhaustion or constipation, then whatever is the reason you've
been looking like you got a stick up your ass for days, if not weeks, now?”
Baffled by the man's boldness (and the mental image) Eren could feel the gray
mass in his skull stutter to a momentary halt. However, he was too juvenile,
too greedy, and so very eager to defend himself that his words avoided his
brain-to-mouth filter altogether and just tumbled out without any censorship.
“I don't have a stick up my ass, Captain!” Grateful to note that his words had
maintained polite, Eren could immediately wince at the tone he'd used against
his superior.
Eren hadn't realized it'd been obvious to outsiders that his mind had been
mangling itself over assumptions and realizations for days to no end.
Certainly, Levi was observant and apparently could read Eren like an open book,
but still... how much did he exactly know? The Captain knew something was off
with the kid but had he any idea? Did Levi see the permanent rosiness beneath
the tanned skin of Eren's cheekbones whenever in his presence? Did he witness
the dilated state of his pupils every time he'd meet his gaze? Did he see the
boy suppress full-body shudders whenever he addressed him with his first name?
No, surely... He couldn't be that observant, could he?
“Whatever it is, I want you to take care of it before we leave the walls.” Levi
demanded with an icy tone to his voice as he got up. Eren's heart deflated at
seeing his Captain get ready to leave the room. No matter the awkward tension
whenever in the same place with him or the apprehension of having the man be
able to see his fantasies portrayed on his large eye-balls if looking long
enough, the boy still enjoyed to be in Levi's company.
The boy looked back down at his hands with a murmured 'yes sir' as he listened
to Levi's boots clack on stone tiles. The steps paused and Levi called for his
attention.
Eren looked up immediately, pulling back his shoulders and staring wide-eyed at
his Captain who took a few seconds to have his sight travel over every inch of
the kid's face.
“We're going to need all of you when outside to fight them. We've no time for
incompetence. Don't be a sulky brat and leave any distractions within the
walls.”
Eren gulped at this and though his warning had been a tad vague and though his
eyes remained cold and his face impassive, the boy suspected that Levi knew
much, much, much more than he'd initially thought -or had hoped- him to.
Did he know?
“Do not disappoint me, kid.”
“I won't, Captain.”
He left after the boy's reply, not a nod or blink to ease his peace of mind,
and Eren spent the remainder of the night in the cellar, on his uncomfortably
hard mattress, staring at the ceiling with a pounding heart and a head full of
dread.
                                      XXX
 
 
Week_1.
 
Sometimes, when reminding yourself that life is as permanent as youth, you
couldn't help but feel like there was a timer wrapped around the back of your
neck which grew heavier the closer it got to zero. Along with the added weight
you'd sag lower and lower to your grave six feet under.
Life, initially, was a race to the grave. Death awaited you at the finish-line,
a 'last stop' which, for everyone, was located at different hours and dates.
There'd be babies who'd crawl three months worth of steps before reaching their
halt and tumbling off the edge into an unfair, yet unavoidable, death. More-so,
there'd be villains, monsters, who'd race for years and leave mayhem in their
path, a trail of hurt and cruelty until finishing their race at a despicably
old age.
The case was that no one, including yourself, would ever be able to read those
numbers on the timer dangling off your neck. If it weren't for an illness,
premeditated murder or brave suicide, no one truly did have a clue about where
exactly the edge of the world would be located at in their own life.
Still, evermore, people like Eren knew that their run would be a short one. The
boy realized that he was not likely to ever reach an old age nor was he certain
he craved to. His only goal in this existence was exterminating every single
Titan on this planet, including himself if necessary (were Levi not to beat him
to it). He honestly, wholeheartedly, believed that he'd been put on this earth
to save human kind. His own life was not of importance other than putting it to
use to assure a cruelty-free future. However, when this goal would be met, Eren
would gracefully step over the end's line and leave this earth with a sated
conscience and a smile on his face.
He'd been birthed on this world selfless, he'd been created to fight and he'd
been taught to save lives. That was all Eren was and ever would be, and the
boy's chest warmed with the fantasy of rescuing humanity.
So, even though many of us would never be able to see the numbers counting down
to the end, we could still feel its weight and how close it already was to the
ground. Eren felt the heaviness of it, could almost smell the dirt of earth in
his nose and knew it wouldn't take long before he'd stop running to sag to the
soil and occupy his grave. He was close and like many others just knew he'd not
grow old, was not meant to in the first place.
This, literal, deadline caused Eren to feel even more guilty over his own hazy
state of mind when it came to his Captain. They didn't have time for this. He
couldn't afford being distracted or having his heart mellow out over a thirty-
something man who'd head-butt his nose were he to ever try and lean in for a
kiss. Only a little over a month was left before they'd be going outside to
exterminate the Titans and still, with his hunger to beat the world's villains,
Eren couldn't help but allow an infatuation to distract him at the most
inopportune of moments.
Though the greater part of his days would be filled with exercises and
practice, it were the evenings, nights and early mornings that did his head in.
In the evenings Eren would be in the dining hall with his friends and comrades
and there'd always be a small chance Captain Levi and Commander Erwin would be
joining their recruits for dinner. The bad thing about having them join was the
fact that Eren would not be able to keep his eyes to himself and would torture
himself by glancing repeatedly at his superiors who, beneath the surface,
seemed to be much closer than the boy had initially feared them to be.
Were the men not to join, well, Eren would just be disappointed and would sulk
all evening with a heart that'd skip beats and a stomach that would flip each
time the double-doors of the hall would open to have someone enter (never
Levi).
The nights were horrendous because Eren would be alone with his thoughts and
the day's frustrations gnawing away at either his emotions or his libido. He'd
martyr his conscience, strangle his foolish hopes and masochistically indulge
his fantasies only to end up with painful erections he'd not be able to attend
to because he'd be restrained to the bed by chains and cuffs.
The mornings were obnoxious because he'd wake up and realize he'd have to go
through everything all over again.
“Not a lover of rye bread, Eren?” Along with the deep voice and the warm hand
on his shoulder, Eren jumped in his seat and turned his head to face Erwin who
was much closer than he'd initially had thought him to be. The boy leaned a bit
away, trying to spot any danger behind his friendly smile and cold blue eyes.
“N-no, I mean, yes sir. I like it, sir. I was just distracted, I apologize.”
Eren disgracefully stuttered, blushing immediately at the proximity and having
been caught staring at his plate for ten minutes straight (again) while
everyone had left the room (again).
“You appear to be a little distracted lately, Eren.” Erwin's smile softened, as
did his eyes. The boy chose to not say anything, preferring to hear his
Commander out.
“Is anything the matter? You know you're encouraged to share any thoughts with
any of your superiors, right?”
Eren just nodded before finding back his voice, though the pitch of it was a
bit too high.
“Nothing is the matter, sir. Thank you.”
Erwin kept his gaze on Eren's features for a few long moments before his smile
quirked as he straightened back up from his hunched position and released
Eren's shoulder after having squeezed it gently.
“Well, if you say so. However, if something is on your mind, do not feel
frightened to share. We might be able to find a solution after all, or if
anything, it'll allow you to vent a bit. It can be a relief.” Erwin urged
gently, waiting until Eren had nodded with a gulp before adding.
“Also, do remember that Levi is officially your 'caretaker' and hence he has no
choice but to listen to you and do everything within his power to help you.”
His smile turned a bit colder and Eren vaguely recognized a sarcastic, humorous
tone to it.
“Oi. Don't give the brat any ideas.” Levi's voice sounded from somewhere behind
the Commander, making Eren jump in his seat for he'd not thought the Captain
had been in the same room with them. Erwin's broad shoulders had neatly blocked
the boy's sight from looking down the table's length and regard Levi at its
head.
“Play nice, will you, Levi?” Erwin threw back without taking his eyes off
Eren's wide-eyed face. It wasn't until the scout had lowered his gaze that the
Commander at last turned around and away from him.
“Now, if you'll excuse me, Eren, Levi. Have a good night.”
Eren replied with a 'thank you, sir' whereas Levi just sipped from his tea and
ignored the tall man who left the room through the double-doors behind the
Captain's back.
The boy cursed himself when noting he was once again left alone in a room with
his Captain. Their tea-sharing evenings hadn't taken place as regularly as they
used to ever since Levi had left Eren with the command to not disappoint him.
He could feel Levi's eyes on him before even looking up to confirm the
suspicion as just so. Rather than making a joke about the boy's intelligence or
bowel movement, the Captain remained quiet though his gaze appeared more
telling than otherwise. Eren's skin crawled at the unreadable intensity he
witnessed within his superior's stare and awkwardly rose from his seat.
“I'm-uh. I'll head to bed now, Captain.” The boy stumbled over his words (and
almost over his own feet) whilst picking up his full plate and heading towards
the exit past Levi's place at the table.
When reaching the corner at which Levi was seated, the man stopped Eren in his
tracks with a simple 'hey'. His voice had been soft, though not kind or gentle
in any way and Eren recognized a command when he heard one, no matter if
whispered or shouted.
The boy froze on the spot, glancing down at his superior who in turn was
leering up at him as he gingerly sipped from his cup of tea.
“Stop wasting food.” He murmured hoarsely, eyebrows twitching into a half-a-
second scowl. Eren's back straightened up as he pulled back his shoulders.
“Y-yes, Captain.” Not sure whether Levi was suggesting for Eren to offer him
the food, to finish it himself or to just take the advice for future reference,
he remained unmoving on the spot. Almost in an eerie fashion, his Captain did
not let go of his eyes as he put down his cup of tea before pointing at the
chair closest to him.
“Sit and eat.”
“Yes, sir!” Eren nearly saluted him had it not been for the plate he was still
holding and he unceremoniously dropped down on his appointed seat.
“And hurry up, I want to make sure to have you locked down before I call it a
night.” Levi added moodily, frowning before hiding his mouth behind the cup
he'd picked back up.
“Of course, sir.” Eren answered with far more enthusiasm than he felt. He hated
being locked in that cellar like an animal. By now Levi no longer escorted him
to his cage, but still made sure to be the one to lock it at night before
heading to his own quarters.
Eren understood that Levi was only doing what was expected of him. Hence, could
not find it within himself to be upset about it too much. Certainly he was
aching for Levi's approval, regarding anything he did and was, really. It'd be
nice for the man to deem him safe enough to not lock him in his cage,
personally, every night again. Or at least not restrain him to the bed with
shackles and chains.
But, again, these were rules Levi had had to follow in order to keep Eren under
his care and away from the police corps.
Eren was humbled and grateful whenever remembering that it had been Levi who'd
decided to look over him. He'd not been inclined to do so. Or perhaps he had,
by a sense of guilt or a desire to cleanse his conscience. Even if so, still,
he'd chosen Eren because he believed in him, he was humanity's and hence Levi's
last hope.
Which, for now, would have to suffice.
So, even though he disliked it, Eren could live with having Levi lock the door
on him, literally, each night again.
The boy finished his food in record time, not missing his Captain curling up
his nose whenever he almost choked on the bread in his haste. Still, Levi's
night's rest was more important than the image he may have of Eren, seeing the
teenager eat like a pig.
“Let's go.” Levi spoke after Eren had finished. They both got up and the older
man told him to leave the dishes on the table as they left the dining hall.
The scout followed his superior through the hallways of the worn building,
making sure to stay a few steps behind the shorter, but broader, man.
There was a symbolism to it, Eren realized, when watching Levi open the door to
his cell. Who would ever step willingly into their restrictive cage? Surrounded
by bars that reminded you that you were an animal necessary to be locked away
for the safety of normal people. Shackles to remind you that you were as much,
if not more, monster than you were human.
Who would ever smile at the man holding open the door to a cold, dark and
lonely space? Who would ever offer gratitude to a man who locked the door
behind them, turning on his heel and walking away without as much as a good
night's wish, making sure to dim every light as he exited the basement?
There was even a symbolism to how it got darker and darker, the farther Levi
removed himself from Eren.
And yet still, for all the anger that had been boiling in the teenager ever
since the shock of his mother's death had granted enough space for it, Eren
couldn't find it within himself to ever be upset when it came to his Captain.
Levi was Humanity's Strongest and such as Erwin had once assured him, he would
not regret putting his faith into his Captain, no matter his cold shoulder.
If Levi believed in Eren, even half as much as Eren did in Levi, then the boy
would die a happy young man for sure.
                                      XXX
                                        
Even when believing you're looking beyond the outer layers of a person and even
when convinced that you're one of the few people clever and empathetic enough
to figure out at least to some degree as to what is going on in another being's
heart...Even then, still, you can be proved so damn wrong.
Eren knew Levi wasn't an emotionless man. Of course. Anyone who fought with
such determination and intensity had had to have a reason for it. Of course
Levi had a past, though Eren knew absolutely nothing of it except for some
vague rumors about Erwin having trained the Captain to the warrior he was
today. Whether or not this was even true, the boy didn't know.
Then there was the fact, again, that Levi had chosen to take Eren under his
wing and though his teachings and support could be written off as a worry for
the future of human kind, it still meant he cared, if not for Eren, then people
in general.
Levi wasn't heartless, wasn't as cold as many thought him to be.
Levi had shown slivers of empathy in the past to Eren. Levi had told him he was
too young to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders, yet with him not
having a choice, he'd confessed being appreciative of the kid's braveness. The
Captain, as well, had scolded Hange -apparently one of his best friends if the
scientist were to be believed- for pushing Eren too far and had even proceeded
to dab away at his bloodied nose, the hand on his head warm and gentle.
He'd tell him stupid jokes, out of nowhere, and for reasons unknown to Eren.
Whereas the man had a habit of breathing crude words and displaying a demeaning
sense of humor, it'd mostly be because someone would've done or said something
stupid. More often so, it'd be done in public, as if to make sure everyone
would perceive him to be uncaring and brash.
Yet, in the privacy of the basement, where it was just the Captain and his
scout, the man didn't particularly need to be exclaiming gossip in humorous
fashion. But still, he did, glaring at Eren's face as if trying to coerce it
into smiling by sheer intimidation alone.
It seemed as if this had been a secretive goal of the Captain as of late; to
humor the kid. The relationship between them was awkward at best, but had
become horrendously weird whenever Levi would linger outside of Eren's cage at
night. Whereas it was normal behavior for him to lock the door and leave, the
last three nights he'd stayed for a few moments longer, leaning his arms on one
of the three horizontal bars crossing the various vertical ones as he cracked
the most idiotic jokes with the dryest of faces.
Eren ended up laughing stiffly, causing the Captain to question the intensity
of his constipation out loud, only to watch the boy bristle so they could part
on even worser terms.
Though the young boy doubted Levi even felt something close to resembling
nervousness, there was something about the man's demeanor which had shifted,
slightly.
The scout recalled this as he was in the midst of cleaning the Captain's
office, pausing at one of his book cases to stare at a spine that read 'the
truth behind laughter'. Eren frowned hard enough to cause a second-long
headache, wondering if it was literature on how to tell jokes... No, it
couldn't be. Levi didn't have time for such pastimes.
The boy retreated his hand from the spine, optioning against taking a peak and
continued to clean the office at a relatively fast pace, knowing the man would
be returning any moment.
Earlier that same day, during practice, their training had had to be stopped
prematurely when a storm had quickly and unexpectedly roared in the sky. The
rain had been pouring to the earth's surface in generous amounts, causing all
of the young soldiers to run back inside the castle, soaked and frozen to the
bone.
Whereas everyone had had the brain capacity to remember Levi's obsessive
appreciation for cleanliness, Eren had just stomped up the staircase to the
Captain's office, for he'd been ordered to report back to him the moment they'd
all return from training.
However, when called inside, Eren's boots had left a trail of mud and rain on
the tiled floor and he'd been too late to realize this. Levi's face had been
expressionless, though when he commanded Eren to clean his office top to bottom
later that same day, his voice had been clipped through clenched jaws.
So, here he was, working on finishing the last details to get the man's space
back in order.
When rounding his desk, though, Eren cursed as he bumped his hip into
something. With a hand rubbing over his sore skin and a grimace on his face,
the boy looked down at the assaulter and noticed he'd walked into a key
sticking from one of the desk's drawers.
How he'd managed to impact a hipbone into half an inch of protruding metal was
beyond him. But hey, it wasn't the first time Eren managed to fall victim to
such an idiotic accident.
The drawer had been nudged open slightly by the force of impact and though it
had been the boy's intention to close it, a beige piece of fabric caught his
attention, halting him in his tracks.
Gingerly he opened it farther, peeking inside before reaching out to what had
initially caught his attention. It was a small square of cloth, edges smudged
with a filthy brown, an unknown name scribbled in its center. When placing it
into his other hand, turning it around, Eren's breath stuttered in the back of
his throat.
It was the Wings of Freedom emblem. He recognized it as the one he had himself
on the sleeves and breast pocket of his uniform jacket. He'd heard that these
were often returned to the family of those who'd died in battle but had had no
chance to have their bodies returned to inside the walls for a proper burial.
Holding his breath, Eren slowly opened the drawer farther and felt his throat
thicken with emotion when seeing various neat little piles of emblems. His
heart pounded at this, slowly coming to the realization of Levi's true person.
Never had the boy expected for the man to have dozens, perhaps over a hundred,
named emblems alphabetically organized in the drawer of his desk. A desk he
worked at day in day out. A drawer highest in the piece of furniture, above
others which held papers, ink, rulers and whatever else the man might need any
second when working.
See, Eren had known there was more to his Captain than met the eye. But even
he, who thought so highly of the man, had not expected this. How many deaths
did Levi carry with him every time they were out on the field? How many
memories flickered across his inner eyelids whenever he squeezed them shut to
prevent blood from stinging them as he slashed another Titan's nape?
How many names and dates had he memorized? How many bodies had he had to leave
behind? How many family members had he had to confront and how many of those
had put the blame on him?
How much guilt... How much guilt was hidden behind the man's stoic features?
Eren swallowed down the bile in the back of his throat and blinked away the
prickling sensation in his eyes.
Placing the emblems neatly back into the drawer, making sure to not mess up the
order of them, Eren took a deep breath and-
“I don't remember telling you to snoop around.”
Eren nearly flipped the drawer out of the desk at Levi's voice coming from the
door across of him. He froze immediately after his jump and stared at his
Captain with a horrible sense of guilt in his stomach which hopefully showed on
his features.
“I-I'm sorry, Captain, I was just-”
“Save it.” He interrupted Eren's poor attempt at apologizing, and walked
farther inside. The young boy tensed only further when noting the man closed
the door behind him.
This was it. He was going to get the beating of his life and then Levi would
kick him out and he'd never put his faith in him anymore. The little trust he
must've had in the kid surely had been ruined now.
Eren clenched his fists and jaws, stiffening when the Captain rounded his desk,
coming to stand next to him uncomfortably close. The boy wasn't stupid enough
to move away though, knowing that the least he could do was to show respect for
this man's authority by not doing or saying anything until commanded to.
Still staring at the door, Eren could feel Levi watching him from his left and
he blinked down to watch the older man close the drawer with one finger, slow
and deliberately.
He locked it, the click absurdly loud in the small space, before he pocketed
the key on his body somewhere (his breast-pocket if Eren's peripheral vision
was to be believed).
“I know all the dates.” Levi confessed quietly, his voice not sad nor angry.
“I know how each one of them died, even when I wasn't there to witness it,
which more often than not I was.”
A beat of silence followed before Levi continued, softer now, and Eren glanced
from the corner of his eye to note that the man no longer was watching him but
staring unseeingly at the drawer beneath.
“Many of them were my fault. Though, when thinking back far enough, all of them
have been for they'd joined because of my words, or Erwin's.”
“We join because we want to, Captain.” Eren assured before he could stop
himself and then cringed when Levi looked up at him, stepping even closer. He
leaned his left hand on the desk, shifting a hip to lean against the wood's
end.
“I know. However, a sense of guilt, a sense of regret, is not always led by
rationality, Eren.” He vaguely stated and the boy wasn't sure he exactly
understood what Levi was getting at.
“I've made many wrong choices and will proceed to do so, unknowingly. We cannot
foresee the future shaped by- and around our decisions.” The Captain tilted his
head sideways and Eren chanced a glance at him. Again he remained unreadable.
“Tell me, Eren. When not knowing that your choice will end the lives of others,
is it even logical to suffer through guilt and regret? To grieve, sure, but to
beat yourself over the head until your conscience remains bruised and damaged
for the rest of your years?”
It was a genuine question. Eren tried to read any emotion on his superior's
face, but predictably found none. His eyes seemed as bored as ever and though
all his attention was focused on the boy, the latter still expected his Captain
to dismiss him any moment now.
“No, sir.”
“No? But we still do, don't we?” The man added.
“Don't you still hurt for your mother? Your comrades?”
Eren wasn't sure what his Captain's goal was exactly, but he could feel the
threat of tears already starting to well back up. He bit the insides of his
lips, pinching his mouth shut before nodding and looking away.
“Are you not angry of yourself? For my squad?”
Eren had to close his eyes at this, inhaling shakily, his fists clenching
harder at his sides. Levi's last squad... four deaths which Eren still felt
disgustingly responsible for. If only he'd shifted. If only he'd not relied on
them. If only he'd taken matters in own hands. If only he'd been brave and had
fought like he'd promised himself he would from the moment his mother had been
eaten.
If only he'd been brave.
“Hm, thought so.” Levi hummed lowly, his voice near to a whisper.
“But even then, thinking back far enough, was it not my fault, Eren? After all,
I stopped you, I made you hesitate, I made you question whether or not to shift
into your Titan.”
“N-no, sir, it was-” It came naturally to him, to defend his Captain, and he
was only starting to notice this now. How blindly he trusted this man to do
everything right, to have done everything right. To know everything. Even
though what he'd found in the drawer and what Levi was saying now proved
against all Eren's idolized believes. The Captain wasn't perfect by far.
But still... he was not to blame for this. Everyone, even with good intentions,
made mistakes.
“Stop being selfish by stealing my grief of them.” His tone was cold again,
voice louder and more firm than it had been seconds ago and Eren's eyes blinked
open.
“Sir-” He whispered, not understanding what he was getting at, staring at the
shorter man with wide eyes and mouth agape.
“Leave it to me, Eren. Your guilt, your hurt, grief and mistakes. All of it.
Leave it in my hands to carry, it is what I am here for to do. Your only
mission is to fight and win.”
This kind request, even though spoken with a lazy tongue and an expression that
came close to resembling that of a damn eggplant, still caused the boy's
eyelashes to flutter in an attempt to stop the tears which were so desperate to
spill along with his grief into Levi's hands.
“You're too young to carry the world's faith on your own. Remember what I am
here for. You're not alone in this.”
How it had come from Eren snooping through Levi's things like a disrespectful
little brat to the Captain giving him the pep-talk of his life, the kid
couldn't even comprehend. But his heart was swelling and his emotions drowning
and his mind floated into a blissful calm.
“Just fight.” Levi concluded, stepping back. Eren only now realized how close
the man had actually been standing for his skin grew cold at the new-found
distance... Or perhaps it was more metaphorical than literal.
“Fight. Win. Live.” The Captain checked the three words upon index, middle- and
ring-finger before gesturing towards the door to his left with his eyes.
“Dismissed.”
Eren's breaths were still shallow and his consciousness still dulled with the
kindness that had just been portrayed to him by his Captain and hence it took
him various seconds before he managed to exit Levi's office on wobbly legs.
He forgot to say a thank you, or even a goodbye, but Eren was convinced that
the man had seen all he'd left unspoken in his watery eyes.
                                      XXX
                                        
Week_2.
There was something confusingly cruel about being praised by someone who seemed
indifferent about you any other moment throughout the days and nights.
Eren knew, more so now than a week ago, that Levi did care for him to some
degree. He'd told the boy to not worry about his future and to not stress out
over the grimness of his past. Still, as always, Eren had yet to receive any
clue that'd prove that his Captain liked him as an individual, a person, rather
than Humanity's Hope. Rather than the Titan-shifter who was most capable of
slaying the monsters of this world.
Being complimented by Levi in the first place was rare. Being complimented by
Levi about your performance at practice was even more of a miraculous event.
There was no need for the Captain to tell Eren he'd done well at training. He
never did, only watched on in silence and that was if he even bothered to step
outside to watch.
Whether or not he'd let the kind words slip for the sake of motivating the
young boy or because he'd genuinely been impressed by him, was yet to be
uncovered.
Eren doubted he'd ever find out.
Still, the words clung to the boy's shoulders for the remainder of the day,
slowing time down along with his movements and he couldn't help but stare at
his Captain each time when in his presence, foolishly believing that somehow
he'd see something, anything.
Eren still hoped for that day he'd be able to read the man's face, to see in
his eyes what was going on in his head. He was frustratingly mysterious, an
absolute enigma, a puzzle Eren was desperate to solve.
And now, with the compliment still echoing in his ears, the boy had an even
harder time trying to deal with the man's emotionless gaze whenever their eyes
would accidentally meet over the dinner table.
Eren wasn't sure if it was he himself who'd been glancing more at Levi or the
other way around. Nevertheless, their eyes had met over a dozen times in the
past hour and it was with great frustration the boy could feel his hormones
swirl down to his groin, teasing it into a heat.
Armin, to his left, nudged an elbow into his ribs and Eren flinched. He looked
up from his plate to glare at his friend.
“What?” He asked with a slight frown.
Armin leaned closer, his voice hushed even though the people around them were
loud enough to have them speak at a normal volume and still not be overheard
two chairs down the table.
“Have you upset the Captain?” The shorter boy asked, glancing rather unsubtly
over Eren's shoulder in Levi's general direction, as the latter had turned in
his seat to face him.
The young man resisted the urge to look behind him at the head of the table.
“What? No. Why?” Eren asked with a frown, his heart skipping a beat at the
question, curious, excited and fearful to find out the reason as to why his
friend would ask this.
Armin seemed to hesitate for a second, looking down, hands in his lap fidgeting
before leaning up to Eren's left ear.
“He's been watching you ever since we got here.” The scout whispered with a
nervous lilt to his high voice. Eren felt himself blush at the thought, hoping
dearly it was true.
“I- no. I don't think so.”
“He looks irritated.” Armin added before pulling back, frowning thoughtfully.
“The Captain always looks irritated.” Eren joked lightly, curling his lips into
a smile which, as always, triggered a similar curl to Armin's mouth.
“Behave then.” The blue-eyed teen teased, nudging Eren once more in the ribs,
earning him a shove to the shoulder by the taller boy. They snickered before
resuming to eat.
Eren chanced a glimpse at his Captain, however, was met with the image of an
empty chair.
Levi had left. No matter today's compliment and no matter the unreadable gazes.
It was once more proven to Eren that the man indeed was rather indifferent
about him.
That same night, it was an unknown soldier who locked the cell-door behind
Eren's back.
And without the tense atmosphere of having to suffer through his Captain's
atrocious sense of humor at one in the morning, Eren remembered what it felt
like to be lonely. To feel unappreciated, after all.
                                      XXX
 
Week_3.
Everyone had their tipping point.
There were those who'd burst out into a fit of anger by a mere spoken insult
and then there were those you could be agitating for years before they'd snap.
There were those who'd need to suffer through various funerals and a handful of
break-ups before they'd shed a tear, and then there were those who cried being
scolded by their mother.
There were those who'd fight a hundred Titans with a braveness you could not
help but admire, even if suicidal, and then there were those who grew
frightened during a thunderstorm. And then there were those who'd not react to
aesthetic beauty or lewd flirting until they'd fall in hopeless love after
years of friendship. Or those who'd grow aroused by a simple leer from an
attractive stranger.
Eren was too young to know exactly how many drops it'd take before the last
one. He did know a few things though. His anger was passionate, immediate, yet
short-lived. His tears poured in generous amounts at the right times. His fear
was internal, swallowed up, his lust for fight too grand to allow it to ever
hold him back from achieving any goals he'd set for himself.
His sexual appetite was typical of a teenager; insistent, shameless and
painful.
But, his person, his sense of self, was immensely influenced by his Captain.
See, the man could tell him to swallow his words and calm his heart whenever he
felt like screaming and punching walls. And Eren would obey. His rage would
settle with a few practiced breaths and the devouring need to have Levi's
approval and appreciation.
He'd always try his best to bite back any tears within the Captain's company
for crying was a sign of weakness and he did not want the man to ever think
lowly of him.
His fear, though still overshadowed with rage, tended to be more insistent when
it came to the older man. The fear of losing him, hurting him, disappointing
him, would quite often cause Eren to hesitate at the most inopportune of
moments. This was a dangerous aspect to the infatuation he had for his
superior, and something he hoped the man would not be quick to discover.
Eren's bodily cravings, when it came to his Captain, were absolutely
unforgiving and all-consuming. Breathtaking. Obnoxious. Overwhelming. He'd grow
abso-fucking-lutely delirious with fantasies in the middle of night, disrupting
his well-needed sleep.
It didn't help his hands maintained shackled every night, the chains short
enough to have the boy's wrists rest just above his head and unless he wanted
to snap a rib by bending himself in half, there was no way he could relieve
himself manually. Sometimes he'd consider rubbing himself off against the
mattress underneath, but then Eren remembered that it often was Levi who'd
release him in the mornings and with the man's tendency to be an all-seeing
deity... Well... Eren just couldn't take the risk of having his Captain notice
sticky, moist stains on the front of the boy's trousers or the fabric of his
mattress.
It'd be embarrassing for Eren and annoying, if not disgusting, for Levi.
Unlike how Eren's building anger could be spotted from miles away by tell-tale
signs such as snarling, clenched fists, grinding teeth and glaring eyes, Levi's
progressed as subtly as everything about him was. Not over-the-top, like Eren.
Not predictable, like Eren.
The young man wasn't sure if it was because they'd both had, coincidentally so,
a very bad week or if it'd truly had been solely his own fault. Nevertheless,
Levi had shown intense emotion and that in itself was a victorious moment in
Eren's life.
Granted, all day Eren had been -such as his Captain would word- a shitty brat.
He'd been having little sleep for the past week, hadn't had any time to jerk
himself off in the restroom such as he'd normally try to do at least once a day
and this, combined with his confusion over Levi's sudden cold shoulder, had
caused Eren to have woken up in a prissy mood.
Though he'd always been respectful of his superior and plainly too apprehensive
to ever so little as scowl at the man, that day Eren had pushed his luck more
than once. Levi, granted, hadn't shown any emotion at any moment. The Captain
had only regarded Eren with a foreign look in his eyes, as if curious.
In hindsight Eren had acted like a child who'd been taught it'd get attention
by bad behavior. Nothing was less true when it came to Levi, but then, good
behavior hadn't done that much either.
The scout was so very tired of guessing, of adjusting, of compromising, of
censoring himself when it came to anything he felt towards his superior.
To make matters worse, Jean had been grinding his gears all day during
practice, Mikasa had been mothering him with scolding his bratty mood and Armin
had asked him if he was okay a goddamn hundred times in an hour. Everything had
built up, filling the boy to the brim until he felt like spewing his anger at
anyone in his presence.
For some ungodly reason he'd ended up at the dinner table across of Levi. Armin
was seated to Eren's left, facing Erwin to Levi's right. Though Eren respected
his Commander as much as he did his Captain, he'd always been a tad annoyed at
the casualness in which they acted around one another.
It was unadulterated jealousy on his part, that much the boy was aware of, but
that night...
When he'd seen Erwin whisper something into Levi's ear, when seeing his Captain
actually pause in the act of cutting his steak, knife and fork perched, to lean
into the Commander... When seeing the end of the taller man's nose bump into
the tip of the shell of Levi's ear, when noticing the wolfish grin on Erwin's
face, teeth bared. More-so, when witnessing how his Captain dipped his chin
when Erwin pulled back, almost as if shy, before glancing at the blond man with
an expression on his face Eren had never seen before, he'd grown so fucking
upset.
He'd never seen Levi smile. Only once had he seen the man's mouth quirk into
the very beginning of a tiny lop-sided smirk (this as well had been directed at
the Commander) and this had only lasted for half a second.
However, in the dim light, Eren had seen how the Captain's cheeks tinted and
he'd watched, in absolute disgusted awe, the corners of Levi's mouth pull down
as he'd been holding back an obvious smile. His face had lit up, eyes
glistening, mouth a pleasant line even with the corners pulled down sternly to
hide his amusement and Eren had been enraged that he had not been the cause of
this.
He'd been the one who'd wanted to make Levi smile. He'd been the one who'd
wanted to make the man happy, for that is what his Captain deserved, most
certainly.
Before he'd been able to stop himself, or think it through, Eren had risen from
his seat abruptly, his chair toppling over by the force. The clatter had
silenced everyone in the hall and with all eyes on him, Eren stuttered.
“I-uh. I'm n-not hungry.” A beat.
“Anymore.”
He'd turned on his heel, not daring to look at his superiors even though he'd
been longing to glare at the both of them, and with clenched fists he'd stomped
out of the large room.
Eren had never seen Levi lose control. He'd never seen him angry, only annoyed.
He'd never heard him shout out of rage, only had heard his voice rise its
volume when communicating commands with his fellow men when they were on the
field or when silencing rowdy soldiers in the dining hall.
He'd never seen him afraid or sad either.
As far as Eren was concerned, Levi was the best at keeping himself in check and
didn't expect to ever see much emotion cross over his features except for the
painfully adorable held-back smile he'd granted Erwin earlier that night.
However.
“Eren.” Levi hadn't bothered raising his voice, when following Eren down one of
the many hallways. The boy had stopped in his tracks abruptly, not having
expected the man to have followed him after so disrespectfully having abandoned
dinner.
He'd still been greatly upset and Eren had not managed to turn around and face
his Captain, afraid the man would've seen the rage, the jealousy, the goddamn
love confession in his wide eyes.
Still, he'd not made for an escape, allowing Levi to catch up to him. Still too
obedient, no matter how angry. The older man hadn't quickened his pace, had
just walked closer and closer, almost cruelly slow, the heels of his boots
echoing off the walls.
Levi had walked around him until facing his scout, hands folded behind his back
as a silence had set over them. Eren had been too ashamed to look him in the
eye, head dipped and fists at his sides. His body had still been trembling with
rage, images of Erwin and Levi's shared amusement flashing in front of his
eyes.
“What was that little fit just now?” The Captain had asked, his voice quiet,
almost deceptively gentle.
Eren hadn't known what to say. He didn't want to lie to his superior but nor
had he been willing to tell the truth, to bare his heart and soul to the
shorter man.
“Oi. Answer me, brat.” Levi had added, an obvious warning to his tone. Eren at
the time had not been able to translate the actual upcoming danger beneath his
controlled tones and fearlessly had optioned to just talk back to the Captain
so he'd at least avoid the truth from being spilled.
“I wasn't having a fit.” He'd barely managed to not glare at his Captain,
though he would in the very, very near future.
“Eren.” Levi had murmured his name, taking one step forward. Eren, though his
stomach had been flipping at the sound of his name having been exhaled in such
breathy fashion by his Captain, had decided immediately to stand his ground,
convinced Levi had planned to intimidate him by backing him up.
“Look at me.” He'd said and Eren had just frowned even harder at the floor, as
if he'd been able to burn holes into his Captain's feet, clad in leather, by
sheer determination alone.
“Don't make me repeat myself, Jaeger.” The usage of his last name had not often
been a good sign and stubbornness be darned, Eren had raised his chin high and
proud, looking down at his shorter Captain with clenched jaws and flared
nostrils. He'd obeyed. But arrogantly so.
This was the point in which Eren had highly misread his superior. Levi had
appeared calm, the emotion flickering in his eyes resembling nothing but slight
curiosity, or interest at best. And Eren, foolish, stubborn, adolescent Eren
had been cock-sure eager to act up.
Levi had tipped his head to the side as Eren continued glaring, scowling at
him.
“It'd be in your best interest to roll back the attitude.” Levi had warned,
taking another step forward, bodily backing up the kid. Eren had not expected
the physical contact, the touch burned him, had made his juvenile hormones jolt
in interest, and he'd taken one step back for each one Levi took towards him.
“I-I'm not having an attitude, sir.” Eren hadn't been able to keep the sarcasm
from dripping on the 'sir'. His jealousy was greedy, screaming at Eren to fuck
everything up, to hurt the Captain as much as he'd hurt him. Like a twelve-
year-old love-struck child.
“Oh?” The man had exhaled and Eren thought he'd seen amusement dance across the
sharp angles of his face for a split second. He hadn't been sure, though. The
lighting in the hallway had been poor, dimmed and eerily intimate.
Evidently he'd been wrong. Very, fucking, wrong.
Eren's breath had hitched the moment his back impacted with the wall behind and
his eyes had flickered from Levi's face to the hand he'd been raising towards
him. He'd flinched, embarrassingly so, having expected for the man to have
punched him in the mouth.
However, the Captain had seized him by the collar, the movement too slow to
seem violent, though threatening nonetheleast.
“Say that again.”
Eren had gulped, trying to read the man's eyes which had seemed incredibly dark
in the poorly lit hallway. Or perhaps his pupils had been dilated by the dark,
doubling the effect.
“I-I don't have an attitude, Captain.”
“Then why are you talking back at your superior?”
“I'm not talking back!” Eren had yelped, suddenly annoyed by the man's teasing,
pestering. Something so unlike him that it had pissed him off. Had this been
Erwin's influence? Was his Captain fucking love-drunk on his Commander or
something?!
“I'm just replying to you, sir!”
“Now you're raising your voice?” Levi's question had obviously been rhetorical
and Eren should've seen the sign. Should've seen those eyes narrow, should've
felt the grip on his collar tighten, should've grasped the decrease of space
between them as his Captain had leaned closer.
“Obviously! Are you deaf, sir?”
Eren had known he'd taken it too far, immediately. Not only did a sense of fear
wash over him but as well had Eren felt ashamed the second he'd spoken.
Embarrassed that he'd talked so crudely to his Captain, to Levi.
Before he'd even witnessed the shift in the air, Levi had released his collar
and instead had placed his hand against the teen's throat, shoving him up
against the wall, higher and more firmly. Though Eren's natural instinct had
told him to grab the man's wrist to get ready to pull his hand away were he
about to tighten his grip to choke him, he'd flattened his palms against the
wall behind him instead. His inhale had stuttered and he held his breath as he
closed his eyes, knowing that he'd deserved it, that it had been his fault.
The silence had been grand and Eren had wondered if Levi could hear the
pounding of his heart. If not, it'd been certain that he'd been able to feel it
in his hand where he'd wrapped it around the boy's throat.
So, this had been the tipping point for his Captain, then? Acting up? Being
more of a shitty brat than he apparently had been so far? Disrespect?
Disobedience? Crudeness? All of the above?
Or had it been disappointment? Had Levi perhaps been upset with himself for
having failed to train the scout he'd taken under his wing?
Eren's guilt had made his eyes water immediately. The simple thought of having
disappointed his Captain, of having broken the trust between them that had
taken months to build, of having ruined any respect between them... it had made
his stomach drop.
And what for? Because he'd seen Levi almost-smile at Erwin? Because Levi had
yet to tuck him in at night and confess his undying love for a brat nearly two
decades younger than himself? Eren was stupid. A complete fucking idiot.
“Look at me.” Levi had hissed and Eren had had to gulp (with great difficulty
for the grip on his throat had only tightened) before he'd been able to collect
the courage to open his eyes and witness whatever expression would be upon his
Captain's face.
He'd known, before looking, that there'd be something more than the normally
blank expression. He'd heard it in his voice, had felt it in the fingers
digging into the side of his neck, had almost been able to smell and sense it
in the air between them.
When Eren had opened his eyes, he'd been met by a set of glaring ones. Within
the close proximity Eren had not only uselessly noted that Levi's lashes were
longer than he'd initially thought them to be, but as well had he been able to
notice how his left eyebrow twitched in the effort to control his face.
Glancing down had shown Eren flared nostrils, clenched jaws and tight lips. The
sound of grinding teeth loud along with the slow exhale of his Captain.
Eren had yet to breathe, had waited patiently for the man to let go of his
throat, even though he'd been growing light-headed with the lack of oxygen...
The least he'd been able to do was to take his punishment like a man. A man who
respected Levi, no less.
“I've been thinking.” Levi had spoken softly and though his face had fallen
back into its blankness, his grip had tightened enough to cause Eren to choke
on a cough. His head had grown even lighter, his heartbeat erratic as it tried
desperately to find more oxygen to pump along his blood.
“I've been observing.” He'd continued, his eyes roaming over Eren's face lazily
before coming to rest on the boy's mouth. This alone had done wonders to the
boy's motivation to sit this punishment through and go another few moments
without a breath. His stomach had warmed immediately.
“I've even been discussing this...” He'd thought for a moment.
“This little issue, problem, or whatever it is that has been distracting you so
and as of late has even been managing to put you in a foul and sour mood.” He'd
squeezed again, Eren had choked on a cough, and Levi had loosened his grip for
a few merciful seconds.
“I've come to a conclusion.” Levi's voice had lowered to a whisper by now and
whether it had been imagined or not, Eren only experienced a sexual tension
between them, his embarrassment and shame momentarily forgotten as his system
got overloaded with hormones.
The Captain had tightened his grip once more, Eren's breath had wheezed to a
stop, and their eyes had locked.
“I know what is bothering you, Jaeger.”
The thought alone of having Levi know about Eren's true feelings towards him,
had made the boy's heart skip another few beats. By now it'd been hard to tell
whether or not his burning skin, hazy mind and warm stomach had been caused by
Levi's words or the hand nearly choking him out... But it had not been
important because he'd felt Levi press his body into him, his skin burning
through both their layers of clothes.
Eren's eyes had fluttered shut only to snap back open as Levi had commanded
him, again, to look at him.
“Would you like me to indulge you?” The Captain had asked him, his tone
teasing... Too teasing to belong to Levi. Eren by now was convinced he'd grown
delusional with the lack of oxygen and he'd gasped for air desperately the
second his superior had loosened his grip.
“Come here.” He'd whispered lowly, traveling his hand from Eren's throat to the
nape of his neck, pulling him down so his forehead could rest on his shoulder.
The boy had gasped and coughed, dizzy with the sudden oxygen granted to his
brain, and his hands had grabbed onto Levi's shoulders, fingers clinging to the
fabric of the man's shirt in order to keep his balance.
The hand on his nape had been hot and the manner in which Levi had stroked his
thumb slowly over the skin had caused Eren to groan on an exhale. He'd only
been able to hope the Captain would've written it off as having belonged to a
desperation to suck in more breaths now that he could inhale rather than the
actual -legitimate- vocalization of sexual excitement.
“Do you think I'm stupid?” Levi had asked softly and Eren's grip had tightened
as he'd felt the Captain's hot breath on the shell of his ear.
“Do you think I'm blind?” His hand had brushed up from his nape to the back of
his skull, fingers curling into brown strands of hair.
“Do you underestimate your Captain so, shitty brat?”
When Eren hadn't replied, Levi had only tightened the grip on his hair and
tugged him back up savagely. The scout had hissed at the pain, though not
resisted being manhandled right back against the wall, the man's grip once more
on his throat. Levi had squeezed with a vengeance, shoving a leg between Eren's
thighs as he'd pressed his chest against the taller boy's.
“I will not tolerate this any longer.” He'd warned.
“Do you hear?” His hand pushed and squeezed and Eren had coughed before
nodding, eyes squeezed shut.
“Get over this puppy-love of yours.”
And there is was. Levi had basically told Eren exactly what he'd known. He knew
about the boy's infatuation and probably had since the beginning, even before
the scout had realized it himself.
“And stop getting excited over being choked.”
This comment had confused Eren though he'd chosen not to reply... Not that he'd
been able to, his mouth opened in a poor attempt to catch any air.
“Pervert.”
At that Levi had at last let him go, and through the buzz of his blood flow
chiming in his ears, Eren had heard the man walk away as he'd sagged down the
wall onto the floor.
It'd taken him various seconds before he'd opened his eyes, panting, scraping
his throat and looking down at the hardness of his erection straining the front
of his pants.
Shit.
                                      XXX
                                        
Week_4.
By the time Eren had gotten over that initial desire to be swallowed by the
earth and die a torturous death in the pits of hell, he'd finally managed to
recall parts of the one-sided conversation he'd had with his Captain only a few
days ago.
Though he doubted he'd ever get over the fact that he'd popped a boner in front
of Levi, he still martyred himself by replaying all he could remember the man
had said to him.
Granted, half of the conversation hadn't even made it into the boy's brain,
plainly because his superior had made sure to squeeze the everliving daylight
out of his thick skull.
Still so.
Apparently Levi had known, very early on, about Eren's feelings for him. This
was an odd aspect to consider for the man had still not given up on him and had
still treated him like he would any other member of his squad, as far as Eren
had been able to tell.
He'd not teased the boy, had not pushed him away (more than he already did with
every breathing being near him) nor had he ever hinted at what he'd known in
order to embarrass or scold Eren.
Perhaps, such as the boy himself, he'd had had high hopes of this having been a
teen crush. One of those that lasted for all of three weeks.
Eren doubted that he was the first one to grow infatuated with Humanity's
Strongest. This split second assumption made his stomach churn with envy,
jealousy and disgust for he'd never be that first boy to crush on his Captain.
And he wouldn't be the last.
The fact that Levi knew was a horrifying thought in itself. It had only been
made worse when the Captain had mentioned to Eren that he'd 'discussed' the
kid's -quote- 'puppy-love'. Eren remembered this belatedly and it made his
heart stutter to a halt for a few seconds.
With whom had he spoken about Eren? There weren't many people Levi seemed to
talk to in a familiar fashion and the boy hadn't even thought about the
possibility of his Captain talking about him when he wasn't in the same room
with him.
The scout hoped, dearly so, it had been Hange because knowing her she'd just be
highly interested and in awe, without a doubt. Perhaps she would even encourage
Levi to use the boy's infatuation to his advantage, to make him use it as
motivation to fight and survive. A logical assumption though Eren doubted his
Captain would ever go through the tedious task of manipulating a scout's
feelings to his hand.
After all, if anything, the Captain was a straight-forward man and didn't have
time to play silly games.
However, Eren knew it hadn't been Hange. Eren was convinced it had been Erwin
and the thought of his Captain and Commander possibly laughing about the
adolescent behind closed doors made his heart clench. He shouldn't be full of
himself and assume two of society's most important men would waste a breath on
Eren's miserable existence... Though, Levi had said so. Levi had said to Eren
he'd discussed the boy, had thought about him, had figured him out in his own
spare time. So, basically, his Captain's thoughts had been occupied by the
Titan shifter in more ways than he'd hoped.
Nevertheless, even if the man had not been bothered by the boy's feelings,
there was still the fact that he'd gotten an erection in front of him, because
of him. He could brush it off as nerves, the thrill of filling his lungs with
oxygen each time Levi had loosened his grip or he could blame it on the
apprehension of death within the Captain's grip. Perhaps he could even put the
blame on the thigh his Captain had pressed between his legs and the heat of his
body as he'd positively plastered himself against his taller frame.
But even if his body had reacted by mere physical contact, it didn't make
sense. Combined with the fear and shame he'd felt, he should not have grown
aroused even if Levi would've jerked him off right there against the wall.
Eren paused his thoughts at the abrupt fantasy, inhaling deeply and willing the
mental image away.
His youthful body had betrayed him, enthusiastically and unabashed, unafraid of
consequences. Whatever had been going on between Levi and himself, it was sure
to have been ruined by now.
Now the man wasn't only disappointed with him or angry at him, but disgusted.
He'd spat the insult, calling him a pervert before he'd turned on his heel to
leave him, and this had hurt the boy the most of all.
Anger could easily be resolved and even letting his Captain down could be
undone by proving himself to him once more. However, disrespecting his superior
in such an inappropriate fashion, having legitimately sickened the man he
looked up to most, how was he to bounce back from that? How was he to solve
this? How could he ever make it up to Levi if all the man would probably see
when confronted with his scout was the memory of the tent in his goddamn pants.
Hell, Eren was even disgusted with himself at this point. He still felt
horrified he'd grown aroused by the man's presence, even though he'd been
hissing at him, had been choking him, intimidating him, scolding him and
insulting him and-
The boy gasped as he could feel heat pool down his body and he quickly clenched
his jaws and fists in the hopes of preventing his blood from filling up his
growing interest.
What if... What if it hadn't just been the man's warmth and scent? What if that
unforgiving burn in his stomach he'd experienced alongside his rage when Levi
had beaten him up in that courtroom, under the judgmental stares of all those
people, had been one of sexual arousal rather than the shame he'd believed it
to be.
Had he not been tittering closer to blinding arousal than he had fear? Would
he've grown hard had he not been in so much pain? Had the unforgiving look in
his Captain's eyes, the blankness of his features, the unpredictability of what
the man (who'd been as good as a stranger to Eren back then) would do or say
next not excited Eren?
The epiphany backhanded him across the face in the middle of the night.
Everything started to fall into place. It wasn't justblind respect that made
him put up with his Captain's insults, that made him smile to himself whenever
the man would lose even the slightest of his composure. It wasn't justever-
consuming awe that made him swallow down all the disappointment he'd ever cast
upon his superior. See, it wasn't just that he wanted to please this man, that
he wanted to prove himself to him, that he wanted to be acknowledged by him. It
wasn't just any of this that made him be polite to his Captain, that prevented
him from losing his composure which he so often did even to men of authority.
No, it wasn't just all that.
Eren had been able to control himself around Levi, plainly because he enjoyed
being controlled by him. He reveled in being told what to do, to be guided, to
be scolded and corrected, to be -to a certain degree- taken care of. Levi was a
man who was used to being in charge and Eren took to it like a duck to water.
Because, this is everything he'd needed from the start, ever since he'd lost
his mother and along with her, his childhood.
When around the Captain, Eren did not have to think of what to do, of what to
say. Levi couldn't care less what came out of his 'bratty' mouth and if he'd
expected the kid to do something, he'd plainly tell him to. The boy could
follow this man blindly without consequence. The boy could let go of his image,
of being Humanity's Last Hope, for Levi had seen both his ugly and beautiful
sides and had never judged either of them.
Sure the man would insult him, eye him as if he was as interesting as a glass
of tap water, but Levi did respect Eren to some degree.
Figuring out for himself that he looked up to Levi because the man was as much
his guide as he was his disciplinarian, was surprising to say the least.
Finding out that half of the times he'd thought he'd been angry when being
scolded or physically hurt by his Captain, he'd actually been aroused, was
frightening to say the least.
Eren wasn't sure what to do with this new information and knowledge of himself.
He'd not expected himself to experience such complex emotions and desires, had
always perceived himself as a simple, agitated, teenage boy. His only mindsets
had been either anger against the world or tearful acceptance of nostalgia.
That had been all there was to the kid... Or, well, so he'd thought.
Nevertheless, even with this self-discovery, it was too late to adjust himself
to his surroundings and his Captain by now. Levi had seen a glimpse of the
truth and had been disgusted by it.
At least now Eren knew what exactly was going on inside of himself and hence
he'd have an easier time to avoid any future outburst of anger/shameful
arousal.
At least now Eren understood himself enough to know how to humbly back away
from his Captain and leave the man to give up on him.
                                      XXX
                                        
Eren's lifeline had always been laced with bad trips or delusional
coincidences. And of course it didn't take long before he'd gotten himself into
a situation rendering him incapable of escaping his Captain, though he'd wanted
to, badly so.
If his life had been similar to one of the romantic novels Armin had stashed
underneath his mattress, Eren would've suspected Hange of trying to get Levi
and him together.
However, in hindsight, the boy doubted the scientist would actually be crazy
enough to risk Eren's life simply to have him in the same room with his
Captain.
Premeditated or not, Eren currently was in his Captain's bed, staring up at the
white ceiling above him, trying to count the cracks which was ridiculously
difficult for his pupils quivered; incapable of deciding how much light exactly
they wanted to capture.
Levi and Hange's voices sounded far away, even though he could see their shades
in the corner of his eye as they were seated in the two chairs next to the bed.
It took him ages to figure out the words they were forming and hence he fell
behind on their conversation and missed great heaps of context.
After mere moments Eren decided Levi's voice was more important and tried hard
to understand what he was saying, and more so, feeling.
“I still don't understand how Erwin and you came to the conclusion to dump the
brat in my bed.” Levi growled under his breath quietly enough for the boy to
have missed it had it not been for the hyper-focus he was practicing on his
Captain. It wasn't that he couldn't hear, it was just that his brain was
processing everything a tad too slowly.
“You weren't supposed to return till two days from now.” Hange hissed back at
the Captain.
“I don't care whether I'm seven weeks away or right there in my bed. You don't
dump the brat in my room without my permission.”
“I had Erwin's permission-”
“I don't care if the shitty-ass king gives you permission. You don't dump
people in other people's rooms, especially not when they're tripping balls
because of some more-than-shady medication force-fed to him by the local
shitty-glasses scientist. What if he pukes?!”
Levi's voice rose with every word and Eren blinked lazily, almost smiling at
the amount of emotion he could witness.
“Levi, look at him.” Hange murmured softly and a pause followed in which Eren
assumed they were watching him. He couldn't have glanced at them even if he'd
wanted to. His body still terribly exhausted and his heartbeat sluggish.
“Yes, he looks pathetic and sick, what's your point?”
“He was begging to see you. He couldn't comprehend you were nowhere near. He
was panicking, Levi. What were we supposed to do?”
“Maybe you should think about that before you inject him with one of your
concoctions.” Levi grumbled. An adorable sound that chimed in the boy's empty
brain.
“Besides. I don't remember having given you permission to do so. I could get
you arrested for manslaughter.”
“I don't think th-”
Levi shushed her and another silence followed in which Eren's eyes drooped
closed. He wanted to recount the cracks in the ceiling, wanted to figure out
whether there were eighteen or twenty-one, but he'd tried a dozen times by now
and had still not figured it out.
So, with darkness surrounding him, the boy focused on listening to his
Captain's voice, and swallowing down his scent which crawled from the blanket
on top of him into his nostrils and onto his lips.
“Is he still in danger?”
“No. I had an antidote on the side which I injected when he got the seizure. He
should be fine, though he won't be in his right mind for at least the whole
night and perhaps most of tomorrow.”
Eren didn't remember anything about a seizure. He only could recall
excruciating pain and disorientation before he'd passed out in a panic. He'd
woken up, still frightened, and craving to see his Captain as if his life had
depended on it. He'd not known why he'd needed to see Levi, but he simply had.
The man had been the only one in his thoughts, the symbolic light at the end of
the tunnel, guiding him to ascend blissful heaven and pull him off this dirtied
earth.
He believed it had been Erwin who'd suggested they'd bring him to Levi's room
and though Eren had wanted the Captain in person, his Commander and the
scientist had explained to him he was not home.
Eren hadn't calmed down until he'd been lowered into the man's bed, his scent
surrounding every inch of him, cradling him more securely than the heavy
blanket had.
By some chance of fate, Levi had returned only hours later even though,
apparently, he'd not been supposed to get home for another couple of days.
Certainly it had been a coincidence. However, Eren accepted the dreamy fantasy
of it all having been meant to be. After all, he was drugged beyond acceptable
and could forgive himself the sappiness.
“What should I look out for?” Levi's voice sounded and Eren's lips curled back
into a soft smile. He sounded so warm, so soothingly calm. So, fucking,
familiar.
“It's not likely he'll get into another fit of panic, he's heavily sedated. The
only danger would be him trying to move and hit his head on something when
falling over. And he will fall if he gets up, you need to keep him in bed,
Levi. Do not let your eyes leave him even for a second.
I will leave you a syringe with a cocktail of endorphins for if his heart would
happen to stop bea-”
“Are you fucking serious?” Levi interrupted with a hiss and Eren's smile
widened even though he should be concerned with the fact that his heart could
give out at any moment.
“It shouldn't happen though! It's-it's just in case.”
The sound of wood scraping over floorboards was loud and Eren could feel his
heart skip a pathetic little beat as it had been startled... pathetically.
“Just, make sure to keep him warm. His blood isn't being pumped quickly enough
to keep his temperature steady. No food, for now, though keeping him hydrated
should do him good. Also, I'll be just down the hall in the back-up office with
any medication we may need.”
“I think you've pumped the brat with enough chemical bullshit for a life-time,
four-eyes.” Levi growled and Eren listened to them walk away from the bed.
The boy stirred, as much as was possible with his gelatinous muscles, for a
split second fearing Levi would leave together with Hange. However, his
anxiousness was near non-existent by now and sure enough, after the door had
opened and closed, Eren could hear one set of footsteps returning to the side
of the bed.
“Whatever have you gotten yourself into this time, brat?” Levi asked him
rhetorically and it took all of the boy's effort to crack open one eye and
stare up at the man next to the bed. His arms were crossed, face unimpressed,
chin tilted so he could stare down his nose at him.
Eren just smiled, wishing he could reach out towards the short Captain but
instead optioning to crack a whimpered 'sorry'.
“Shut up. It's not your fault.” Levi scolded him, clacking his tongue as he
looked away.
“If you puke on my bed I will make sure to rid you of your stomach and sell it
on the black market. Got that?” The Captain added matter-of-factly, squaring
his shoulders.
“Yes, sir.” Eren croaked and with a nod to himself, Levi took a step backwards
before unceremoniously dropping down on one of the chairs next to the bed.
Eren slipped in and out of consciousness throughout the night and each time he
woke up, he felt more clear-minded and his body seemed to become more in
control of itself. By the fifth time, Eren managed to wiggle his fingers and
lol his head to the side to look next to the bed.
Levi was still in the chair, his arms and legs crossed firmly, his head tipped
forwards and chest moving slowly with each in- and exhale. Eren sunk teeth into
his lower lip, trying not to fawn over the adorableness that was an unconscious
Levi.
He hadn't properly spoken to him since their little incident in the hallway
last week and Eren was frightened to discover his Captain's actual emotions
towards him.
Once the boy would be out of his drugged mind, Levi was sure to pick things
back up where they'd left off. However the scout hadn't a clue as to how the
man would act. Was he angry? Upset? Disgusted? Indifferent?
The boy wasn't sure which of those would be the worst.
He shuddered at the thought and though the movement hadn't lasted for a second
and he'd not made a sound except for a shaky inhale through his nose, Levi
stirred.
The older man looked up and their eyes met in the dim light of the oil-lamp on
the night-stand.
“Everything alright?” He asked, his face blank but his voice raspy. This
could've been because he'd just woken up... Though Eren's delusional mind
couldn't help but hope for something more. He was still terribly intoxicated,
could feel it by the cotton in his mouth and the cold in his skull.
“You sure?” He asked, his eyes smoldering in the orange glow.
“Certified.” Eren slurred with a dumb stare.
“I'm sorry?”
“Certified, sir.”
“What?”
Eren frowned, wondering if Levi had been second-hand affected by the drugs that
by now must've been seeping through the boy's pores.
“I'm certified.”
“Eren. Do you mean 'certain'?” There was a curl to Levi's lips, one he hoped
dearly he was not imagining and even though half-asleep, the boy's heart
skipped a careful beat at hearing his name being spoken by his Captain in such
a soft tone.
“Yes. I said that.” Eren frowned at the man, not hearing any difference between
what he'd said and Levi had suggested he'd said. It were literally the same
damn words. Why was he being so annoying and exhausting?
Levi paused for a moment and Eren narrowed his eyes at the twitch in the man's
lips.
“You're high.” He vaguely stated and Eren would've rolled his eyes had he been
able to. Instead he folded and opened his fingers, trying to get some feeling
in them before replying.
“Everyone is high compacted to you, sir.”
“Compac- compared, you mean?”
“That's what I s-said.” Eren frowned hard, wondering if the man was yanking his
chain. It seemed like it.
“Everyone is high compared to me? How do you mean?” Levi prodded and Eren
watched the man lean back in his seat more comfortably, his left foot swaying
in circles as his legs were still crossed at the knees.
“Captain... No offender, but, you're like five foots.”
Levi blinked at that and Eren watched the man's eyes widen as if suddenly
realizing something grand, as if solving a puzzle or catching the punch-line
from one of his own shitty jokes.
Eren would forever be upset of the fact that he'd been too drugged up to fully
appreciate what had happened next, but nevertheless he'd always be grateful for
the experience. After all, it was quite a once-in-a-life-time event to see
Captain Levi's lips curl up and part to bare a set of perfect teeth.
Eren gaped at the smile on the man's face. Unlike the smirk Levi had once
casted at Erwin, one Eren had been so jealous of, this one wasn't being held
back in any manner. It wasn't a modest smile. It wasn't censored whatsoever.
Levi's smile widened and widened, his eyes narrowed as the corners of them
creased into wrinkles the boy had never seen before.
And then the sound. He barked two simple, yet loud, 'ha's', and Eren knew that
sound would come to haunt his every wet dream and near death experience for
however long he may remain alive.
It was a fucking miracle, that.
A gift. Something Eren would cherish close to his heart even if the man would
end up hating him for all that had happened between them.
This was something he'd not be able to take away from the scout. And Eren hoped
dearly that he'd been the first to witness this side of his Captain because it
had been stunning, beautiful to such a degree it pained his heart. It wasn't
something he'd ever want to share with anyone.
That smile, that laugh, that little part of Levi the man had chosen to expose
to his scout was something that had been influenced, if not triggered, by Eren.
Eren had said something stupid (probably) and Levi had granted him an
appreciative sound.
He'd forever agree with himself that this was the most breathtaking present
that had ever been offered to him.
He'd take it to the grave with him.
                                      XXX
                                        
The following day Eren had woken up feeling clear-headed though he remembered
almost nothing of the night before. The lack of a fog in his mind had betrayed
his understanding of bodily functions and as he'd gotten up from the bed he'd
dropped to the floor with a loud thump.
Not two seconds later Levi appeared from one of the doorways, dressed in only
pants and shoes and a towel around his neck to catch the drops that fell from
his wet hair. A cloud of steam exited the doorway with him and Eren realized it
must be an adjoined bathroom.
The boy took a moment to gaze up from the floor and travel his eyes over every
line of darkened skin on the man's chest and hips where the belts of his
uniform had worn it over the years.
“Draw a painting of me. It'll last longer.” Levi dryly stated and Eren could
only blink dumbly, waiting for his brain to catch up.
“I-uh, I can't draw, sir.” The boy admitted in an almost apologetic tone.
Levi's face was blank but with the lack of clothes on his torso Eren could see
him inhale deeply.
“It was a joke.”
Eren wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the man's sense of sarcasm and instead
accepted his own daftness with an awkward smile.
“Sorry, Captain.”
Though Levi wasn't one to acknowledge any appreciation he may feel towards
Eren's apologies (likely because they came in bundles of ten with five extra
for free at least twice every day) this time he quirked an eyebrow.
“That's okay.” The Captain assured the boy, leaving them both in a tense quiet
for a few moments longer before he asked.
“Can you get back on the bed?”
“Yes, sir.” Eren replied automatically, his instinct programmed to please his
Captain blindly, to follow his command without questioning either him or
himself.
However, he could barely carry his weight on his elbows and with a grunt he
flattened back out on the cold wooden floorboards underneath.
“I-I'm sorry. I thought I was able to move better because my mind isn't foggy
anymore but-”
“Hange has told me the effects on your muscles may last longer than that on
your brain.” Levi lightly interrupted him before entering the bedroom and
walking towards Eren in a too slow of a pace.
The boy stirred, not able to stop himself, and held his breath when Levi
squatted next to him to wrap an arm around his body. It took the man little
effort to get him back on the bed and he even took the time to throw the
blanket back over Eren's clothed yet chilly body.
“Sorry for troubling you, sir.” Eren again apologized, desperate to assure Levi
that he was greatly appreciative for all he'd done for him.
“At least you're not covered in Titan-spit this time.” Levi murmured with a
snarl to his lips. Eren was momentarily in awe of the expression, always eager
to see some emotion on his Captain's features.
“I don't- I mean, I don't mean just this, Captain.” The boy shyly added, his
teeth starting to clatter not only because he was cold but as well because he
was nervous to finally be having a serious conversation with his superior after
having disrespected him and having popped a very ill-timed erection in front of
him.
“I know.” Levi stopped him, his eyes hard, though he did repeat his words a
second time with a nod as if to assure his scout that he truly did understand
that he'd been referring to everything that had ever happened between them.
“We'll be fine, Eren.” The man added after another silent moment of eye-
contact.
“I'll get you another blanket. Practice has been canceled, you can sleep it off
throughout the rest of today.”
With that his Captain retreated to the bathroom, coming back out a minute
later, a shirt hugging his upper-body to Eren's greatest disappointment.
For the rest of the day, except for when Levi had brought him his blanket and
Hange had brought him some food, Eren had been left on his own.
Though the boy did slip in and out of sleep continuously, his consciousness was
greatly martyred by what Levi had said to him that morning.
Eren wasn't sure if he should be picking apart and reassembling his words to
such a degree that they began to hold more meaning than they probably initially
had meant to have. However, he couldn't help himself. Levi was a man of few
words and when he spoke, he chose to build his sentences carefully, as if
making sure to leave any mistaking for ambiguity out of it.
Yet... what he'd said earlier had not sounded censored. Had sounded very much
like it had two meanings to it -if not more- and hence Eren kept repeating them
to himself until he grew a headache.
'We'll be fine, Eren.' Soothing.
'We'll be fine, Eren.' Assuring.
'We'll be fine... Eren.' Promising.
                                      XXX
                                        
Week_5.
Sometimes you think someone couldn't possibly get any better, any more
beautiful, in the eyes of yourself or those of others.
Sometimes you think you truly got a person figured out. You've seen them go
through emotions, have been granted to witness aspects of their personality and
conscience you'd never think they'd ever share with their own mother, let alone
you.
Eren had formed a hundred-and-one opinions when it came to his Captain. He'd
been proven wrong countless of times but as well had been proven right at least
a handful of times. Not much, you may think, however when knowing Levi was the
enigma of enigmas and his face tended to be as unreadable as a blank sheet of
paper... Well, then that was saying something.
There were moments in which Eren had thought he'd been able to predict the
man's next move or words because considering all things aside, Levi's crude
jokes and lazy blinked shrugs were of a predictable nature after all.
However, Humanity's Strongest wouldn't be who he was if it weren't for him
being one step ahead of everyone time over time again. He'd as well, often,
have logical reason to any of his behavior and opinions.
The man was of rational nature, a fighter first, a survivor second and a
dreamer last.
Eren on the other hand, was just a mess. He was a suicidal, angry brat who
dreamed of a better world but was led too much by emotion to watch his own
back. Luckily for him, the Captain kept an eye out for him.
Either way, such as had been proven before, Levi wasn't to be underestimated.
There was more to him than met the eye.
Eren was lying on his hard mattress in the drafty cellar as he went through all
of the telling moments he'd experienced with Levi in the past. Their next
mission was only seven days away, and the closer it got, the harder it became
for the boy to breathe and smile.
The boy thought back to when Levi had held a handkerchief against his bloodied
nose, and had heard the composed rage in his tone as he'd blamed Hange for the
boy's damaged state.
The boy remembered how he'd found all of the emblems in Levi's desk-drawer,
over a hundred of soldiers having died in battle which he'd kept close to his
person. Eren remembered how Levi had admitted he'd known the dates and names of
all of them and then the boy recalled how, instead of being lectured for
snooping around his things, the Captain had assured him he'd be the one take
the weight off his shoulders and carry it for him.
Eren thought back to the stupid jokes he'd made when locking him in his cage at
night, where he'd seemed almost as awkward as the scout had felt trying to
decide whether to laugh or be upset at being accused of being constipated.
The scout recalled the moment Levi had lost his self-composure, how he'd
dragged emotion out of his Captain. How he'd hissed at the boy, shoved him
against a wall with a grip on his throat so tight Eren had had to improvise for
days after of how to cover up the telling bruises below his jawline.
Eren thought about how Levi had allowed him to sleep in his bed, how again he'd
scolded Hange with a voice that had been less capable of hiding his emotions
than other times before. The boy warmed at the memory of his Captain having
slept in a chair all night, watching over him and had then laughed, laughed,
because apparently the kid had said something stupid in his drugged state.
And granted, Eren had always believed, or feared, that Levi treated him the way
he did because he was Humanity's Last Hope and because he needed this boy to
save the world and that was that.
But the more he thought about it. The closer he got to their next mission.
The more Eren would remember all the glances he'd ever caught from his Captain.
All the twitches of his lips, the narrowing of his eyes and dilation of pupils.
All the jokes and light-hearted insults. All the advice, the assuring speeches
of how he believed Eren was too young to go through it all, of how he'd carry
the weight of the world in his place, as if he felt guilty for putting the boy
through this.
All the times he'd defended him, from the police corps back in the courtroom to
that one time he'd slapped Jean over the head with a loaf of over-baked bread
because he'd been annoying Eren all dinner long.
All those times he'd commanded Eren that he were to fight and to win. That one
time he'd told Eren his only worry should be to survive.
All of this.
All of it.
All of the looks, words, touches and shared moments.
The Captain liked him. Perhaps not in a way Eren would like him to, but the boy
wasn't disposable or replaceable to Levi such as he'd always feared. Perhaps
Levi saw him as a son, a prodigy to raise to its full potential and honestly,
that'd be fine by Eren.
He just wanted to be recognized by him. Wanted to make him proud. Wanted to
change this world so they could live in peace. Wanted to take vengeance for all
the lives Levi had had to leave behind on the battlefield, some of them
probably having ceased their existence before Eren had even been born.
Levi might be able to carry the world's weight in Eren's place, but Eren would
carry Levi's on his own. It was the least he could do and it was something he
doubted anyone had ever done for him.
This man... he meant more to Eren than the boy would ever be capable to
comprehend.
This man, in hindsight, had certainly been many steps ahead and had continued
to surprise the boy. But nonetheless, he'd shown Eren signs the boy had not
been seeing until now.
“Shit.” He exhaled as he blinked away tears, the amount of love he was feeling
for the Captain overwhelming him momentarily.
“Already?”
Eren jumped at the sound of Levi's voice, raising his head off his pillow to
gaze down his body at the bars across from his bed's foot-end.
The man's elbows were rested on one of the horizontal metal bars, his hands
dangling inside of the cage as he stared at Eren even though he couldn't be
seeing much in the dark.
“Sir? What time-”
“Just over midnight.”
Eren paused at that, wondering why Levi had returned after having escorted him
to the cellar only an hour ago.
“Is something the matter, Captain?”
Levi's lips thinned uncharacteristically before he glanced away and
straightened up. The jangle of keys was loud as he swirled them around his
index fingers once, making way to the cage's door.
“No. I wanted to show you something.”
Though confused, Eren still followed the man timidly after he'd unlocked his
shackles and led him back up the stairs.
He optioned against asking where they were going, knowing that if the man
would've wanted to share the fact he'd have told him by now.
Levi took him higher and higher inside the building, walking up staircases Eren
hadn't even seen before and at the last swirly, metal staircase, the boy could
feel a draft. It was cool and smelled of the night.
The Captain had never taken him somewhere out of the blue, had never woken him
in the night, told him to follow. It felt oddly intimate and perhaps this was
why Eren halted in the middle of the rusty staircase.
“Come.”
Levi's voice was soft and Eren craned his neck to look up at the man on top of
the staircase, holding open a wooden lid to reveal a black sky of stars above
them.
It wasn't so much the command that made the boy move, but more so the hand he
had stretched out towards him, an offering of trust, a promise of care.
Guidance.
The boy shyly took hold of Levi's warm hand as the man helped him outside onto
the flat roof-top. Though winter had made place for spring, it was still
chilly, especially this high up, and Eren embraced himself as he slowly walked
around the wide space.
Levi followed behind after having lowered the door back into the floor, quiet.
“Let's have a seat.” The Captain murmured and Eren stirred at the warm
fingertips Levi had placed on his shoulder when speaking. The touch had lasted
all of two seconds before the man went to sit down in the middle of the
rooftop, his back against a stone wall, its function most likely having been to
create a tiny attic room, however apparently had never gotten finished.
Eren joined him, leaning against the wall, his ankles crossed as he sat in
Indian position. Levi followed his example, and the boy held his breath when
their knees rested against the other. Unexpectedly, the Captain left his legs
as they were, apparently not bothered by the physical contact.
“I've always wanted to go higher.” Levi spoke quietly, tipping back his head to
look at the sky. Eren had more difficulty following his example, too busy
staring at the man's throat and Adam's apple bobbing with every word.
“Before I got into the Survey corps, I lived underground. Literally.”
Eren shivered, hugging himself more tightly before he as well looked up at the
stars above them. In moments such as these, one would be able to appreciate the
beauty of earth and its atmosphere and the boy wondered if the world would
increase its delicate image were the Titans to be swiped off its surface.
It had to...
“I've always wanted to escape. I thought that when going above ground, I'd be
happy, but...” The man's head shifted and Eren could feel his eyes on him.
“But then I got faced with these walls which again trapped me, preventing me to
soar any higher.”
“Is that why you joined the Survey corps, Captain?”
Levi didn't reply immediately and when Eren lolled his head to the side to meet
his eyes, he held his breath at the softness he could see there. He looked
different, somehow... Perhaps he as well was being affected the closer they got
to their next mission.
“No.” He simply said and Eren knew he wasn't to ask any further about it.
Hence, he blushed unknowingly, before looking back up at the stars and trying
to ignore the man's burning gaze. His heart pounded in excitement, his lungs
quivered in apprehension.
He dug his fingers more tightly in his upper-arms, even though his body
temperature had started to rise.
“I'm a greedy man, Eren.” Levi whispered and for a split second Eren thought
his Captain had been leaning towards him but apparently he'd just been shifting
for his head turned back up to stare into the blackness above them.
“I always want more. I want to go farther. I want to fly higher. I want to know
what lies behind all these borders of limitations being held in front of us.”
Eren understood what the man meant, instantly, and he had to clench his jaws to
bite back the emotions of realizing his Captain wasn't so different from him
after all.
“It's dangerous.” The boy murmured, recalling all the times he'd pushed on and
the people he'd lost because of this.
“But necessary,” Levi added.
“For such as you and I, Eren.”
Again the boy understood and he squeezed his eyes shut, nodding once.
Eren would never be able to hold himself back, even if it'd lead to his death.
He'd always want more, such as his Captain did, he'd always find that lust to
fight because he'd always have something to fight for.
They were driven by a self-destructive sense of heroism. They wanted to save
the world, and then some. And no one would ever be able to stop them or talk
sense into them. They'd never be able to settle. Not when there was greener
grass to conquer.
“Each one of them has been given to a person I lost, you know.” Levi spoke
after a long moment of quiet between them. It was only when shaken from his
thoughts that Eren felt the warmth of the shorter man's shoulder resting
against the boy's right hand still cradling his upper-arm.
“Isabel.” Levi said the unknown name as he pointed up at the sky, presumably at
one of the hundred stars flickering above them. Eren, couldn't quite see which
one he was pointing at, there were too many and his line of sight different
than that of the Captain.
Nonetheless, it wasn't about which star belonged to which name. It was that
they all belonged to an individual from the man's past, to not only watch over
Levi but as well to leer at him in the night, remind him of all the mistakes
he'd made, of all the deaths he should not regret but forever would.
“Farlan.” His hand shifted a bit.
“Petra.”
“Oluo.”
“Gunther.”
“Eld.”
The names that followed were mostly unknown to Eren, but with each one passing
he could feel his chest tighten and the weight of Levi's shoulder against him
increase.
The names kept on coming, but eventually he lowered his arm and went quiet.
Eren carefully slipped his hand from between his arm and Levi's and instead
folded his fingers into his lap as he looked back down.
“There's still a few left.” Levi admitted.
“That one...” He pointed. “The big one.”
Eren looked back up, immediately spotting one star, brighter and larger than
any other. The most beautiful one out of them all.
“That one's reserved for someone special, though I hope I'll never have to give
it away.”
Eren carefully allowed his legs to fall open more widely, inhaling quietly at
the warmth of his Captain's knee. His whole body was a line of heat against
Eren's left side, incredibly comforting during the gloomy conversation.
“Do you think-” Eren began but then paused, frowning as his eyes shifted from
one white speck to the other.
“Go on.” The older man nudged his shoulder into his' gently.
“Do you think my mom's up there as well?”
“Yes.” His answer was immediate as he joined Eren's line of sight.
“Should I give her a star? Name one after her?”
“Sure.”
Eren paused, his eyes staring into space, not seeing, not searching even, and
instead allowing his mind to recall her features which had smudged as time had
passed. By now he'd forgotten her smell and her voice wasn't as clear anymore,
and a childish part of him wondered if she would've stayed closer to him had he
given her a star from the start.
He knew it was symbolism.
Knew that time blurred memories.
Knew that his love would never lose its worth depending on how much of her he
was capable to remember.
But still.
Still.
“Eren.”
The boy felt hot tears streaming down his cheeks the moment Levi wrapped an arm
around his shoulders and held him closer.
“Please don't forget me.” Eren sobbed, trying to swallow down the disgusting
heaves and to control the cracks in his voice. But the man's warmth, his scent,
the gentleness of his embrace... There was a promise to it, a soothing
reassurance that he'd watch over the boy like his mother had before him, like
his father should've after her. There was a contract sealed, unspoken, in which
Levi promised the young boy to stay with him for as long as they both may live.
And thus, Eren knew he didn't need to hide what he was feeling at that moment.
“When I die-” The boy spoke, ignoring how Levi exhaled his name as if pained by
the assumption. The Captain brought up his other arm, tugged the young man
closer to him until he was fully cradled against his chest and Eren took the
opportunity to grab fistfuls of his shirt and bury his face where he knew his
heart was beating, loving and alive.
“-Give me a star.” Eren requested and it took a moment before Levi seemed to
catch up, probably having picked apart the scout's line of thought, bright
enough to figure out the link between 'being remembered' and 'being given a
star' after only a few moments. His grip tightened and his nose buried itself
in the dark-chocolate strands of Eren's hair.
“You're not going to die, Eren.”
It was not like Levi to not say it like it is. It was not like him to deny
their grim future. He was the man who'd promised Eren he'd slaughter him
himself if he'd ever turn his Titan self against them. He was the man who did
not sugarcoat the deaths of his comrades when sharing the news with family
members. He wasn't mellow, he wasn't romantic, wasn't even tactful and most of
all he was never in denial about something so certain as Eren's premature
death.
The boy wasn't sure when he'd grown so convinced he'd die before the age of
eighteen, but sometimes, well, you just knew.
He could feel it. Felt that timer around his neck grow heavier each day, knew
he was already knee-deep in his grave and it was a matter of time before he'd
sink down to occupy the pine box.
“Promise me, Levi. Please.” He could feel his Captain stir at being addressed
by only his first name, but he didn't seem that upset about it for his embrace
only grew more secure, tight and hot. His nose traveled through Eren's hair,
nudging strands aside in something that came close to a nuzzle.
“I promise.”
Eren's heart calmed down slightly when Levi had promised he'd not forget him
and hence the boy would not die without being remembered by the man who'd come
to mean all and everything to him. It was a selfish desire, knowing that with
every given star the pressure on Levi's conscience must be increasing...
Perhaps this was the first time Eren truly desired something for the sake of
himself, for his own peace of mind.
Though, all in all, there was a part of him which was convinced that Levi would
not mind fulfilling the promise they'd made tonight. He was a man of honor and
he'd honor Humanity's Hope as long as he roamed the earth.
Eren knew this. He just did.
And even if it was wishful thinking, at least it enabled him to relax in the
man's arms, even if only for that night.
“Don't make me do it, though.” The Captain murmured after a long time of quiet
in which they'd both maintained within each other's embrace, Eren's hands
having let go of Levi's shirt in order to wrap around his narrow waist. He felt
solid, hard muscles securing his safety, for now.
The boy was too blissed out, too empty-headed to understand what he was
referring to and instead waited for Levi to continue.
One of the older man's hands slid up from between the boy's shoulder-blades, up
his nape to come to cradle the back of his skull, pressing his face closer.
Eren turned his head, resting his cheek against Levi's chest and taking a
shuddering breath as he could hear the man's heartbeat even clearer now.
His Captain nuzzled a moment longer, his breath warm on the boy's scalp, before
he spoke.
“Don't make me give away my brightest star.”
                                      XXX
                                        
Everything escalated 'a bit', two days before their mission.
Jean had sneaked in some wine from their earlier dinner, his excuse being that
they needed to at least have a blast and more than a few drinks for it could be
their last chance.
Though Eren had never been one to disobey his superiors for something as
frivolous as getting drunk, the sense of doom that had been lingering over his
head since months now convinced him to go for it. After all, he was still
certain he'd not return to these walls once he'd left.
So that's what he'd done.
Though Jean and Connie had been drunk off their asses, the rest of their little
clique had taken it a bit more easy. Still, everyone had been more than buzzed,
bordering on drunkenness.
And Eren was no different.
Led by the wine in his blood and the ache in his heart, Eren stood in front of
a door, his door, his bedroom door. It took him all of ten minutes before he
had collected enough courage to knock against the oak.
Much to the boy's horror, the door opened almost immediately, granting him no
time to second-guess himself or, let alone, prepare himself. Eren gulped when
coming face to face with his Captain who was still fully dressed, not a hair
out of place and apparently had yet to call it a night.
“Eren.” He murmured in that softer tone he'd carried ever since their shared
moment on the roof five days prior.
The man frowned after a moment as Eren had yet to say or do anything.
“Sir, I'm-” He swallowed, his palms sweaty in an instant as he tried to look
anywhere but at the man's penetrative gaze.
“I'm-uh... drunk.”
Well done, idiot. He thought to himself and apparently this had also been
Levi's thought if the half-smirk half-grimace was anything to go by.
“What am I supposed to do about it, brat?”
Eren thought about this. He didn't even know why he'd come here in the first
place. It wasn't like he wanted to confess his love for the man. By now, it
must've been visible from miles away anyways. Still, the truth was spoken by
children and drunks and Eren was at least one of those, and half the other. So,
who the hell knew what he'd be spewing within the next minutes (probably
nothing for building sentences was as hard as putting one foot in front of the
other by now).
Levi sighed.
“Get in.” He commanded, walking back inside, Eren on his heel close enough to
bump into him when he stopped in his tracks.
“You should probably...” Levi began, glancing over his shoulder to glare up at
the young man still plastered against his back. He wanted to apologize but
wasn't sure he could form any words besides 'please' or 'touch me'. Eren
noticed too late he was horny as hell.
“-close the door.” The man finished, arching an eyebrow when Eren didn't move.
“Oi. Close the door, shitty brat.” His voice was louder this time, succeeding
in snapping the kid from his drunken haze if only momentarily.
He turned around, not stumbling over his own feet and closed the door he'd left
open.
“Lock it.” Levi added and Eren's body experienced a head to toe shudder.
“Sir?”
“Lock it. Turn the key. It's not maths, Eren. Shit.”
“Y-yes, sir.” Eren mumbled, blushing furiously as he turned the key to lock the
door before turning around and deciding it was best to lean against the wooden
surface for a moment longer. His sense of balance was pretty much non-existent.
“Sit.” The Captain pointed at the bed. His tone firm and his face blank.
Eren jolted before he nodded and pushed his weight off the door. He dragged his
feet across the room before dropping himself on the edge of Levi's bed.
The Captain regarded him for a moment longer, obviously indulging in being
taller now that the lanky kid had sat his ass down.
“What is it you want, Eren?”
Now that was a loaded question. Eren wanted a lot of things. He wanted to see
the ocean and he wanted to have more vegetables during lunch. He also wanted
all the Titans gone and then also would he not mind never drinking again. Eren
also kind of wanted to take a shower to sober up but then also kind of wanted
to suck Levi's dick.
Wait.
Eren blinked, his cheeks burning as he grew flustered, praying to hell he'd not
said that out loud.
Going by how Levi had yet to murder him, he hadn't.
“A lot.” He replied dumbly, only to see his Captain snort humorlessly before he
lowered himself on the chair in front of Eren, knees almost touching, had he
only scooted a bit closer.
“You did always come across as a greedy bastard.” Levi said, inspecting his
fingernails for a moment before lowering his hand back on the arm rest and
lifting his face to catch Eren's green eyes.
“You too.”
The Captain's eyebrows both lifted in surprise and Eren sputtered an apology as
he'd worded his accusation wrongly.
“I-I mean you're greedy also. You told me. On the roof. You're-uh not a, you're
not a bastard though, Captain.”
“I'm ever so relieved to hear.” Levi dryly remarked, glancing away for a
moment. Eren could almost hear the wheels turning in the man's head before he
faced him again, lifting a foot and placing it against the mattress on the bed
inbetween Eren's spread legs.
The boy's back straightened and he forgot to breathe when noting how close the
tip of the man's boot was to his crotch. Oh no, this wasn't good. He couldn't
be having any erections again, not now. Not now, please.
The older man put some pressure on his foot before leaning back and balancing
on the back-legs of his chair. He swayed lightly, not at all looking like he
had to put any effort into keeping himself upright. Then again... this man's
sense of orientation and balance was impeccable.
“You want something.” It wasn't a question but still Eren nodded.
“You want something from me.”
Again the kid nodded, his hair bouncing with the movement.
Levi prodded a chin on his left hand, his foot shifting slightly to have more
grip as he rocked his seat.
“Tell me what it is.”
The scout shook his head this time, eyes widening, only able to imagine the
beating he'd receive were he to even open his mouth for a second for he was
convinced he'd be spewing the stupidest and lewdest fantasies at his superior.
“Are you sure? I'm in a good mood today, Eren.”
And there it was, a twitch in the corner of his mouth, a hidden smirk. Eren
held his breath once more, trying to keep his eyes on Levi's even though he
couldn't stop himself from glancing down at the foot between his legs every now
and again.
“Feeling a bit generous even.” The Captain concluded and Eren knew that this
would be the last chance given to him that night to request what he desired.
The man remained quiet, swaying, arms crossed once more, eyes lazy.
“I don't know.” Eren weakly stated, his mind overflowing with numerous things
he wanted to do to and with the man. Hell, there was even a 'shaving-his-
undercut' fantasy in there somewhere.
“Sure you do. What's the first thing coming to mind right now?” Levi seemed to
be motivating him and it was working in the most horrible way.
Eren looked down at the leather boot between his spread thighs and naturally
the first thing that jumped to mind was to have his Captain press the sole of
his shoe against his awakening erection.
The boy huffed, blushing lightly at the thought and when looking back up at his
superior he knew he'd fucked up. Levi already knew. The man's eyes were sharp,
but his sneer -no matter how subtle- was sharper.
“Come a bit closer, Eren.” He murmured, beckoning him with a finger before
crossing his arms again. The motion alone had pumped an indecent amount blood
into his cock within half a second. The boy shuffled towards the edge of the
bed, stopping when a little less than an inch was between the boot and his
pants.
“No.” The man scolded softly and Eren had to close his eyes for a second to not
blow his load because of Levi's voice alone.
“You're going to help yourself and you're going to be very, very quiet, Eren.
Do you understand?”
The scout nodded abruptly, eyes fluttering open before he gingerly scooted
forwards until his crotch pressed against the man's sole. He groaned
immediately, wantonly, and Levi clacked his tongue at him.
“Not a sound, brat, or I'm kicking you out.”
“Sorry, sir.” Eren apologized immediately. His head was drifting away and he
was sure it wasn't the alcohol burning him from the inside out... Not anymore
at least.
Almost shyly, Eren tilted his hips, the bulge in his pants rubbing against the
ribbed sole of Levi's boot. It felt ridiculously and unexpectedly good and the
boy dropped his head, shoulders hunched as he gasped for a few breaths. He was
not going to last long.
The fact that he needed to stay quiet and the fact that Levi was just observing
him with cool eyes and a bored expression on his face just drove the boy up the
wall. The fact that he had to do all of the work, that his Captain couldn't be
bothered to participate in Eren's sexual release... Well shit... It only added
oil to the fire inside the young man.
As always, Levi knew exactly what he liked, what he wanted and needed and had
for so, so, so very long.
Another few experimental thrusts later and Eren took a shuddering breath as he
reached down a hand to take hold of the man's foot.
“No.” Levi warned and the boy looked up to meet his scowling face. The fact he
looked at him in such disapproving fashion, but in a sexual setting, did
wonderful things to the boy's arousal.
“Don't use your hands. Or are you that desperate to have me tie them behind
your back?”
Eren cursed as Levi hit the nail on the head and once more he was in absolute
awe of how well his Captain could read him. He knew exactly what he wanted.
Exactly.
“Did you just get harder at that? You filthy pervert.”
Eren muffled a groan, feeling heat pulsate along with the man's demeaning
words, and he fisted his hands into the sheets beneath, tipping back his head
as he pressed more firmly against Levi's foot.
“There you go.” Levi murmured and Eren thrust a bit harder at the praise.
“Just do what you need to do, Eren.”
The boy increased his pace bravely. Rubbing himself up and down against the
hard surface, his mouth agape as he started to pant.
“Touch your nipples.” The Captain commanded of him and the request was so
unexpected that Eren's hips stuttered.
He grabbed the hem of his shirt, ready to lift it off but again his Captain
stopped him, this time with a tut.
“Did I say you could take it off?” Levi asked in a harsh tone which got
accentuated by the pressure he practiced on Eren's dick with his foot. The boy
halted all movement and cursed under his breath as Levi took charge for a
single moment, pressing his cock once, twice and a third time before easing
off.
“Your night-shirt's thin enough. Squeeze your nipple and don't stop fucking
yourself against my boot.”
Eren obeyed meekly, moving his hips in shallow thrusts against the man's foot,
his erection now hard enough for it to hurt when rubbing in a particular angle
against the ribbed surface. However, the pain did not bother him... On the
contrary...
He pinched one of his nipples lightly as his other hand was splayed out on the
mattress, carrying his weight as he leaned back to grant his hips more leverage
to roll against Levi.
“Pinch it harder.”
“Sir...” Eren whispered without realizing, too turned on to pay much attention
to what was tumbling from between his lips or what exactly he was doing. Just
needing to obey the man who was still watching him with a bored expression, not
even a blush on his pale cheeks.
He increased the pressure on the bud of flesh and muffled a yelp as he'd
underestimated his own strength, too uncoordinated to calculate beforehand.
“Harder, Eren.” Levi commanded, tilting his foot on Eren's next thrust, meeting
him halfway in an almost brutal fashion.
The scout squeezed even harder, the pain in his nipple shooting down to his
groin as it numbed between his fingers.
“Hold it, keep squeezing it.” Levi demanded before rotating his foot along with
the boy's hips and Eren looked from his own dick up at his Captain. To his
surprise, the man was still staring at his face, seemingly not that interested
with his insistent foot nor with the fucking death-grip Eren was practicing on
his left nipple.
“I hadn't thought of you being such a shitty pervert when I first saw you.” The
man admitted though only half his words managed to reach Eren's consciousness.
The boy was too busy losing himself in his Captain's steel gaze and the
pressure he could feel building between his legs slowly but surely, every now
and then decreasing its urgency when the man would press a tad too hard,
hurting him.
“Captain...” Eren whispered, not sure what he wanted to ask, though he doubted
Levi would ask.
“When you come, Eren,” He began and the promise of an orgasm made the boy whine
on the spot. A sharp nudge into his groin reminded him to keep quiet.
“I want you to let go of your nipple. Pinch it harder the closer you get,
though.”
“Yes.” Eren hissed, greatly pleased with the simple demand as he pinched
himself harder whilst thrusting against the man's boot more hurriedly.
The boy closed his eyes when he could feel himself getting closer, his face
contorting into a frown, mouth agape as he tilted back his head and tried to
hurry towards his release. The movements of his hips became less calculated,
far more erratic and this combined with the unpredictable movement by Levi,
caused for some delightful and some painful jolts every other thrust.
“Good boy, Eren.” Levi whispered and the boy nearly sobbed at the demeaning
tone to it, recalling how he'd been indirectly called a dog by his Captain
before.
“You're getting close, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Do you wanna come?”
Eren nodded rapidly, rolling his head forwards again, opening his heavy eyes to
leer at his Captain who appeared as unaffected as he had ten minutes ago. A
glance down though, showed the strain in his pants and Eren could only admire
the man's developed sense of self-control.
“Ask me.” Levi urged the boy on.
“Captain, I wanna come. Let me- I wanna-”
The young boy could feel himself nearing the edge, dangerously close to
toppling over and when only a handful of thrusts away from blowing his load,
Levi pulled away his foot.
“Fuck!” Eren cursed in surprise, humping the air without his consent, and
pinching his nipple harder in either frustration or the hopes that this would
make him topple over the edge.
“You didn't ask nicely.” The man matter-of-factly stated before getting up from
his seat, looking down at the panting, blushing boy on his bed.
“Eren...” He reached out a hand, flicking a sweaty strand of hair off the kid's
forehead.
“Lie down.”
Now, this was something that made Eren's frustration melt away immediately and
he quickly scooted higher up the bed, shifting until he was lying down.
“Pinch and hold both your nipples.” The Captain calmly told him, still towering
over him, appearing unaffected except for the bulge in his pants.
Eren got comfortable, barely managing to hold back a shit-eating grin at the
promise of what was to happen, and squeezed both his nipples through the thin
fabric of his shirt. He hissed and jolted immediately.
“Spread your legs.”
Eren did just so, licking his dry lips as he watched Levi lower himself between
his spread thighs, hands on his knees, sliding down to his thighs as he moved
closer. The image would promise him breathtaking self-induced orgasms for the
rest of his life.
“Now, two rules.” The man said before lowering himself onto the boy. Eren
nearly jumped out of his skin when the man repositioned them so he had one of
Eren's legs between both of his as did the boy have one of Levi's between his
thighs. A sharp, flat hip rested against the boy's trapped erection and he
couldn't help but thrust up into it.
“Rule number one. You will not stop pinching those until the very moment seed
spills from your cock.”
Eren nearly got an aneurysm hearing his Captain pronounce such filthy words in
such a bored tone of voice.
“Rule number two. You will beg me to let you come. Not 'ask'. Beg.” Eren nodded
immediately, his gaze flickering down to the man's lips hovering over his,
though still very far away.
“And-” This time, finally, something flashed across the man's features but Eren
was too late to recognize whatever it had been, too distracted by Levi leaning
down to his ear, exhaling hotly on its shell.
“Don't hold back, Eren.”
“Oh shit...” Eren groaned before he started to rub himself off against Levi's
hip. It took no time before he was back to his earlier point of desperation and
though Levi wasn't so much as panting, just staring down at his face, not
moving, only allowing the boy to use his body to get off, all of it was still
driving him absolutely insane.
It was perfect. So fucking perfect. He could feel Levi's erection against his
own thigh and he'd even tried rubbing against it to make him moan. Of course
the Captain hadn't, had even shifted his weight to tilt away from his leg,
which in its turn caused his hip to grind down even more firmly against the
boy's erection.
“Start begging.” Levi spoke after another few moments in which he'd stared
almost thoughtfully into the younger man's glazed eyes.
Whilst Eren began to throw out a litany of 'please please captain please oh god
please so good' Levi rested his weight on one hand, stretching his arm and even
grinding his hip against the kid's swollen dick, helping him along.
He was quiet as his right hand traveled up between those of Eren himself over
his chest to his throat, the boy's body arching into the touch like a cat.
“Oh fuck yes, Levi.” Eren gasped, eyes flying open the moment his Captain had
wrapped his hand around his throat, squeezing gently. The boy arched his neck,
as if in an offering and he'd have been killed a hundred times by now had they
been animals in the wild.
The boy surrendered so easily to Levi. Without question. Complete and utter
blind trust. Not a moment of hesitation.
His heart pounded as he kept begging and thrusting up into Levi's pelvis. His
voice was started to crack around its edges, his breath starting to wheeze the
more power the Captain practiced upon the grip he had on the boy's windpipe.
“P-please, Captain. Please. Pl- -se. -Ease. -Ease.” Eren whined, his fingers
still pinching his own nipples rather than wrapping around his superior's
wrists like his survival instinct was screaming at him to do.
But as his eyes met those of Levi's, as he saw the concentration in them, as he
regarded the relaxed line of the man's jaw, he knew he'd never been in safer
hands. The Captain's focus on his scout was thorough. Perhaps love was
surrendering yourself to a being you knew was capable of ruining you, but
trusting for it not to. Perhaps love was knowing you could rip the other's
heart out, but not doing so even when you hungered to.
Perhaps it wasn't a give and take as much as it was an offering, a sacrifice
that would always end up having been worth it.
The boy's mind was floating somewhere high up, a sense of incredible freedom
and calm washing over him as he felt nothing but an outer-body-experience.
His vision grew blurry, his heart skipped beats, his hands trembled in their
desire to fight the man off and even, somewhere deep in the back of his mind,
there was a voice telling him to put a stop to this. Telling him that Levi was
reading his body wrong and would choke him to death.
Yet, even Eren's gut instinct couldn't silence the trust his heart had poured
into this other human being and naturally his orgasm hit him out of nowhere.
As he tumbled down, his nerves bursting, Levi released his throat and pulled
his hands off his chest, pinning his wrists down beside him as he grinded down
against the boy's pulsating cock.
Eren's blood streamed deafeningly loud, even dulling the noise of his heart and
his brain twirled as he gasped buckets of oxygen into his lungs. His nipples,
though he'd not expected it, added a whole extra sensation to already mind-
numbing orgasm, as they burned with renewed blood-flow, nerves jolting down to
his cock.
His whole body throbbed along with his seed being spilled and Eren
absentmindedly noticed his whole body was shaking and twitching in its
pleasure.
It went on forever.
It took him, what seemed like, insanely long to come back down to earth but
when he did his mind remained foggy, his body tingled head to toe and the only
irritation was how he had to cough several times at the ache of having had his
throat squeezed so severely.
“Good boy, Eren. Such a good boy.” The scout could hear his Captain soothe him
in the distance and when he finally processed that the man was holding him as
they'd rolled onto their sides, Eren wrapped his arms around him.
Levi continued to soothe him with words, with stroking him softly over the head
and down his back, with pecking barely-there kisses on his temples.
All Eren could do, as he felt himself slipping away, incapable of forming
speech or even opening his eyes, was to hold onto the man and pray he'd still
be there when he'd wake up tomorrow.
                                      XXX
                                        
Week_6.
 The_Mission.
Levi had promised him many things, though not always with words nor always to
the kid's knowledge.
He'd vowed to take care of him, to teach him, guide him and protect him. Levi
had promised Eren that he'd carry the weight of being Humanity's Hope on his
own, stronger shoulders.
Levi had promised him a hundred more things the morning they left for their
mission.
He'd told him, with an unimpressed expression on his face, that he'd make his
jokes less difficult for Eren's shitty brain to understand, because the kid
deserved to smile much more with that set of fucking, beautiful teeth. That
last part he may not have added.
He'd assured Eren that he'd not allow his jacket's emblem to end up with the
rest in his top drawer.
Levi had gone as far as to promise the boy he'd be his first at many things if
he returned to the walls with him. If he'd fight, win and live, Levi would give
the boy his first kiss, would treat him more kindly than he had in the past,
would allow him to sleep in his bed, and would show him what it meant to be
fucked and what it meant to make love.
The boy had sulked at most of these comments. Nearly having begged his Captain
to at least kiss him, just once, before they'd leave the walls. But Levi had
shaken his head, sternly.
“All the more reason for you to not fuck it up and keep your ass alive.” He'd
said and had allowed a little twitch in his lips when Eren had been gaping at
him like an upset puppy, or fish.
Of course the smirk had done its job, had distracted the teenager from the
initial request and he'd thrown Levi a cheeky grin that would've gotten his ass
beat only a month ago.
Levi, had told the boy that he'd get the biggest star in the sky were something
to happen to him, which had been a promise that had hurt him to make, though
he'd known it'd been necessary at the time.
He'd also said to him, with a contained grin, that they'd get drunk together in
the future. See who'd be the stupidest (Eren), who would smile the most (Levi,
if past events of substance abuse were anything to go by) and who would grow
the horniest the quickest. (Both. Levi walked around half-mast most of the time
just thinking about the boy's eyes. And Eren... well, he was a feisty fifteen-
year old. Touch him on the nape or show him a bare ankle and he'd be ready to
go.)
The stupidest promise though, which he'd made, was when he'd told him -mere
hours before they would leave on their horses to fight the Titans- that they'd
defeat all of the world's monsters one day. That they'd survive together and
when that day came they'd visit the ocean together. They'd jump into the water
to wash off the blood of their pasts and they'd walk back out onto the sand,
hand-in-hand towards their new future.
Tch. The kid had softened him into a romantic sap. Had made him wax poor poetry
in the middle of the day.
See, Levi had promised the boy a lot.
He'd promised him he'd protect him, and that's what he'd initially done.
He'd promised to fight for him, which he had. Always had.
He'd promised to carry all of his hurt, and he had and forever would.
He'd promised, to himself in the dark of his bedroom alone, that he would love
the boy like no one ever had. And, that is absolutely what he'd done.
That he'd tell him this, that he'd be the first one to say those three words to
him he hadn't heard ever since his family had been ripped away from him.
There'd been two promises he'd broken though, in the middle of that field as
he'd been cutting Eren from his Titan, screaming at the boy to wake up and get
the fuck out of there.
The first one; that he'd take care of him like his mother had before her death
and his father should've after it.
Levi was not able to keep this promise for a finish-line had been reached,
prematurely ending the race of life.
The second one he'd failed to commit to as he'd tugged an unconscious Eren from
the burning flesh sticking to him, as he'd been too occupied saving this
wonderful fucking bright-eyed kid from a Titan heading towards them to even
notice the second one coming at them from behind.
The second one... his promise to give the boy the brightest star.
See, he'd managed to cut the boy loose in time, his body tumbling down his own
Titan's steaming shoulder and dropping perfectly into Erwin's arms as he'd
circled them both on his horse.
See, he'd noted, with relief, that Erwin would be bringing the boy to further
safety and though he could not hear whatever the Commander had been shouting at
him, he'd still known what was about to happen.
He'd been exhausted, having screamed his lungs out in the panic he'd
experienced of losing the brat. He'd been disorientated for he'd fought and
slain for hours to no end, had had to carry Eren's weight and his own worry
over the boy as a constant reminder that if he did not survive they would never
be able to go back and start their new-found relationship.
Time was a valuable thing.
No one could predict when one would reach the end of their run. Some died too
young, some lived for far too long.
Regrets, in which Levi had refused to believe, would always arrive too late.
They always appeared after the happening or the act that had created it in the
first place. There was no use to them but self-condemnation.
What happened, happened.
Life was fragile. But as well beautiful. There was a strength to it, and a
quiet sadness.
Eren was fragile. But as well breathtakingly beautiful and so damn pure. There
was strength to him, but as well a suffocating amount of undeserved sadness.
This boy had gone through too much. This boy, though having suffered through
the worst, still chose to care for others and to fight for human kind. People
in general were selfish, unforgiving and not half of them deserved to have this
stunning specimen sacrifice his life for them every time again. But the boy
forever would do just that. It was who he was, what he stood for.
And Levi knew all of this. And he knew it'd be so worth it to go home with the
boy.
He'd known.
But...
But he'd reached his end. Luck was no longer on his side. Youth no longer
blessed him with the quickness and alertness he used to have.
He'd overstayed his visit on this reeking world and though he'd slain hundreds
of them, it was still a stupid-faced Titan who decided to pick him off the
ground, away from Eren, away from the walls and the border and up into the sky.
Levi watched the white clouds above him, his head light as if he'd finally
managed to fly high enough and meet his deserved freedom.
And so, he closed his eyes, for the world was too cruel of a place to perceive.
And he held his breath, for the mercy Eren had brought into his life had been
of stifling beauty.
And he whispered his name upon smiling lips, tasting, at last, the Hope he'd
portrayed.
Soothed by the knowledge that it would not be Eren who'd receive the brightest
and biggest star, but Levi himself, the man no longer found an ounce of grief
or regret within him.
Humanity's Strongest may be no more.
But Humanity's Last Hope was and at last, at last, Levi Ackerman could rest.
 'There's a feeling that I can't describe and there's a reason that I can not
                                     hide.
   Because I've never seen a light that's so bright as the light that shines
                               behind your eyes.
  I can see this life and what you mean to me and when I dreamed I dreamed of
                                     you.
                   Then I wake... Tell me, what could I do?
                    I had to let you go to the setting sun.
                I had to let you go and find a way back home.'
                                      XXX
 
 
End Notes
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