Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/252456.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Tenkuu_no_Escaflowne_|_The_Vision_of_Escaflowne
  Relationship:
      Allen_Schezar/Gaddes
  Character:
      Allen_Schezar, Gaddes, Millerna_Sarah_Aston, Assorted_OC, Assorted
      Crusaders, Celena_Schezar
  Additional Tags:
      Yaoi
  Stats:
      Published: 2011-09-12 Chapters: 17/17 Words: 152118
****** In Disgrace With Fortune ******
by orphan_account
Summary
     A love story from Gaia: Allen and Gaddes in the years before the war.
Notes
     FAIR WARNING: I wrote this story in about 2000 and have not revisited
     it since. I'm resurrecting it now by request, and make absolutely no
     representations as to its quality. Sincere apologies to Mr William
     Shakespeare and Mr Charles Dickens - and to the Mutton Birds, for
     bludging off their rather lovely song 'Wellington.'
***** Chapter 1 *****
When, in disgrace with Fortune and men’s eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man’s art, and that man’s scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet, in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
 
-       William Shakespeare, Sonnet 29.
 
The new boss had found himself a quiet place up on the roof of the fort's
central building, a good place to watch the sun set on his first day as
commander of Castelo Fort. He was sitting hunched up with his arms around his
knees and his chin resting upon them, and it would not be diplomatic to say
that he was crying. It was quiet up there, and Gaddes had approached quietly,
but when he heard a rather tearful sniff he reconsidered and backtracked,
deliberately making more noise on the ladder as he returned to the rooftop. The
young man was perfectly composed when he reached him this time; if he was
blowing his nose rather vigorously, well, the swamp plants gave some people hay
fever at first.
'It's not a bad view, is it?' Gaddes said, hooking his thumbs on his belt and
looking out at the frontier swamps with a proprietorial air. Thick, dark
vegetation stretched for miles in all directions, except where it was broken by
the cliffs of the river gorge. The river ran down from Fanelia; up in the
mountains there it was a swift sharp flow of snowmelt, but down here it changed
character, seeming to want to try out different possibilities, or perhaps
suffering an identity crisis. There were misty bayous, stagnating oxbow lakes
left behind by the changing watercourse, deep rusty-looking pools, treacherous
quicksands, places where it forgot about being one river and frayed into dozens
of meandering channels, creating dozens more small marshy islands before
reuniting its stream, and behind the fort, there was a waterfall whose soft
blurry roar was hardly distinguishable to the ears of men who had lived there
for some time, although its cessation would have startled them as much as that
of their own heartbeats. Eventually, the river decided that although it had
been a fascinating experience trying out all these alternative lifestyles, it
was happiest being an honest, uncomplicated river, and so it flowed on down
into Asturia and out to lose itself in the sea.
Gaddes' unambitious attempt at conversation met with no reply. He turned his
gaze to look down at the man sitting beside him - although, really, calling him
a man was just being diplomatic again. He was not much more than a tall boy. He
was far finer stuff than you would expect to see in a place like this, too;
everything about him screamed - no, bespokequality, in a quiet, well-modulated
voice, with an upper-crust accent. He had got through a whole day in the
humidity and dirt of the swamps without staining his pristine gloves or
developing damp circles under the arms of his starched white shirt. Everything
about him looked soft and glossy and clean, particularly his blond hair, bobbed
at chin length. There you could see the only flaw in his façade, because by
this time of day even he had a trace of golden stubble along his jawline. He
must have shaved this morning, on the ship coming here; Gaddes found his hand
had gone absent-mindedly to his own face, gloved fingers rasping against a
three-day growth. He felt a bit grubby by comparison, but a few days of swamp
life would be a great leveller.
'I said, it's a nice view,' he tried again, because perhaps this stranger from
Pallas, this  scion of the Knights of Heaven, just hadn't been listening the
first time.
'I suppose so,' the boy replied, 'but I've never really been happy in the
wilderness. I lived somewhere like this for a while when I was younger, and it
wasn't a good time in my life.'
'Well, if you don't talk about your tragic past, I won't talk about mine. Fair
deal?'
The boy looked up at him in apparent surprise, but he seemed to relax a little
as he saw that Gaddes was smiling at him.
'You have a tragic past?' he said, with a trace of amusement. 'You look too
cheerful.'
'I'm cheerful by nature,' Gaddes said. 'I don't let things bother me. That's
pretty much the attitude here. No-one gets too uptight about anything. I
thought, you know, I'd come up and we could have a chat about what you can
expect here.' He sat down and leaned back on his hands, still smiling easily.
'I only expect that the men will obey my orders and behave like decent
soldiers,' the boy said, a little stiffly.
'I think,' Gaddes said judiciously, 'you might want to revise your
expectations. Like, down a bit.'
'You're telling me they won't obey me? They were all right today.'
'Well, they were sizing you up. Getting your measure. What you've got to
understand is that the old boss didn't make trouble for anyone. We didn't see a
lot of him, one day to the next. He had his still, he had his pipe, and he was
pretty happy, I guess.'
'He was a drunkard who died of a heart attack,' said the boy, frowning. 'I
don't call that being a good commander.'
'No-one needs you to be a good commander,' Gaddes said. 'All we need is for you
not to make any trouble.'
'Is this a threat?' The boy's sky-blue eyes narrowed.
'Hell, no. I'm just trying to prepare you. Help you out, like your sergeant
should. We're happy here. You can be happy too, you just need to… be realistic.
This ain't the Knights of Heaven, and it ain't a Sunday school. I'm guessing
you've fallen from grace too, if you're out here.' He raised his eyebrows.
'What'd you do, anyway?'
'I thought you didn't want to talk about our tragic pasts,' he said, looking
away.
'This is our shady pasts, not our tragic ones.'
'I'm not sure it's any of your business,' the boy said, with a trace of haughty
reserve.
'Fine,' said Gaddes pleasantly. They were both quiet for a while. The sun sank
lower; its lower edge was touching the lip of the horizon now, and it began to
bleed fire into the surrounding sky.
'I beg your pardon, Sergeant,' the boy said slowly, 'but I can't remember your
name. I know we were introduced this afternoon but I'm afraid it didn't stick.
Could you remind me…?'
'Samivel Gaddes,' said Gaddes readily, and offered his right hand for a shake.
'Call me Gaddes if you like. I'm not used to being Sergeant and I probably
won't answer.'
'Allen Schezar,' the boy said, reciprocating. 'Is it too much to expect you to
call me Captain, or Sir, or anything of that kind?' There was a trace of humour
in the way he said that, which confirmed Gaddes in his tendency to like him. He
was posh, but not toffee-nosed. He might be quite decent once he had had the
corners knocked off him.
'I'd call you Boss if you'd like,' Gaddes offered, grinning back. 'That's what
I called the last guy, when I needed to call him anything.'
'Boss,' said Allen wryly, rolling the sound round in his mouth. 'I suppose
that's the best I can get. Is it? Really?'
'Fraid so,' said Gaddes. 'And that's me being friendly and polite, because I
like the looks of you. Some of the others might be a little… cheeky.'
'Oh, joy,' Allen said, with a heavy sigh. He shook back his hair, turning his
face to the ruddy light of the sunset. 'Still, I won't lose heart. Even if I am
stuck at the back of beyond, I won't lose my standards either. I do appreciate
your intent in warning me, but I am determined to make the best of this
situation and make some changes for the better in this place. If my destiny is
to be warden of the swamps, at least I'll be the best warden of the swamps I
can.'
'It's really sad,' Gaddes said, 'a nice kid like you.' He shook his head and
made a 'tsk tsk' sound.
'I'm not a kid,' Allen said indignantly. 'I'm - almost seventeen. How old are
you?'
'If you're almost seventeen, I'm almost nineteen.'
'You look older,' Allen said dubiously.
'Thanks.' Gaddes looked at him sideways, slyly. 'Go on. What did you really do?
I just can't imagine what someone who looks like you, and only sixt-  sorry,
almost seventeen years old, could've done already to get booted out to a place
like this.'
Allen looked down at the toes of his well-polished brown boots, rubbed at a new
scuff mark with his thumb and looked at it ruefully as he realised it was not
coming off.
'If I told you,' he said cautiously, 'would it be in confidence, or would you
tell the men? What I mean is, are you on my side, or theirs?'
'Iiii… don't like taking sides. But, like I said, I like the looks of you, and
I don't want to make your life any harder. I'm just curious. I won't tell
anyone else if you don’t want me to. Break my heart across your knee.'
Allen regarded him, considering it. 'You have an honest face, you know,' he
said. 'I do feel as though I can trust you.'
'That's what those other poor fools said,' Gaddes said, and flashed him another
grin. 'Go on.'
'Well, you know… the royal family? There are three princesses.'
'Big, middle-sized and little,' Gaddes said, nodding. 'I heard they married the
oldest girl off to the Duke of Freid. Princess Marlene, that's the one.'
'Yes, just recently,' Allen said. 'Princess Marlene.' There was something in
his tone as he spoke her name that caught Gaddes' attention. 'She's - she's
very much loved by the people of her new home,' he went on, 'and of course by
her husband. She's going to have a baby, you know.'
'I didn't know, actually. Royal gossip tends to get to us a few months late,
out here. We're never exactly up with the latest developments in princess news.
So she's having a baby, so what?'
'So,' Allen said, once again becoming very interested in the state of his
boots, 'that's my fault.' He said it so quickly and softly that Gaddes almost
didn't catch it. He stared open-mouthed at the boy for a long moment, and then
began to chuckle, gently at first, but soon laughing so hard that tears came to
his eyes.
'Sshh!' Allen hissed. 'People will hear you! What's so funny, anyway?'
'That's bloody brilliant!' Gaddes managed to say. 'We've got to tell everyone!
The guys will think you're a god!'
'I don't want them to think anything of the sort, I'm certainly not proud of
it,' Allen said irritably. 'You don't seem to understand at all what I just
told you.'
'I understand it all right! Our captain the stud. You can't be modest about a
thing like that, mate, in bragging terms that's a gift from God! I mean, most
people here just got caught with something that didn't exactly belong to them,
or got drunk and disorderly too many times, or told a brass hat what they
thought of him, or all three at the same time. But you knocked up a princess.'
'Don't talk about it like that,' Allen snapped. 'We were in love. It was all a
terrible mess. And I have far too much respect for her to do something so crude
as to boast about the fact that I almost ruined her life. It looks as though I
have ruined mine. There was a time when I would have said it wasn't my fault
because so many things were stacked against me, but this was different, I had a
real opportunity -'
'And boy, did you take it!'
'I had an opportunity to make something of myself,' Allen said coldly, 'and do
something to merit the faith a good man had in me, when no-one else would have
seen any worth in me at all. I let him down sorely.'
'The king?' Gaddes said, puzzled. 'You're still that impressed with him after
he sent you out here?'
'Not the king,' Allen said dismissively, as though no-one would seriously
consider the possibility. 'Did you ever hear of Balgus, from Fanelia?'
'Well, yeah, he's a legend. You know Balgus?'
'The mighty Balgus trained me as a swordsman,' Allen said, with genuine
reverence. 'It was entirely thanks to his teaching that I was able to get into
the Knights of Heaven. Without him I would probably soon have died; I held my
own life at no worth whatever. He was the father I wished I'd had. I don't know
if he knows exactly what happened but I hope I never meet him again, because I
know I couldn't look him in the eye.'
'Wow,' said Gaddes, quietly impressed. 'You get the best of everything. You
havecome down in the world.'
'Perhaps I've just returned to my natural level,' Allen said grimly. 'Among
thieves and bandits. But at least I know there is something better. I have an
ideal to strive for, and I refuse to stop trying because I have failed once. As
long as I live, I can keep trying to redeem myself, and repay my great debt.'
Gaddes stared at him, waiting for a wink or a grin or something, but he seemed
to be totally in earnest. He was staring into the sunset with a look in his
eyes like the sort of people you saw in paintings of heroic battles and rescues
and things. Once when he went AWOL for a couple of days in Pallas (sort of by
accident, but it was a long story), Gaddes had passed some time before the pubs
opened by looking round the big art gallery they had there. It had left him
with a rather confused impression that either people had been somehow different
in the olden days (and in the case of the sculptures, had worn a lot less
clothing), or arty types had more imagination than he had given them credit
for. But here was a face just like the paintings, full of noble, selfless
resolve, in reality, in the present. It gave him a chill. The weird part was
the feeling that he could actually do it.
'Well, if you're sure you want to,' he said lamely. 'I won't try and stop you.'
'Thank you,' said Allen, giving him a warm smile which was totally normal and
human. 'Do you want to tell me about your shady past after all?'
'I may as well, but it's not as good as yours. I was accused of buggery, with
one of the other guys in my first regiment. They couldn't prove anything, and
they had to find me not guilty at the court martial, or I'd be in jail
somewhere by now - but anyway, next thing I knew I got sent out here with a
supposed promotion to sergeant. This is where you end up when nowhere else
wants you. So you can't corrupt anyone else with your own special vice,
whatever it might be, because they're all taken up with vices of their own.
Seducing princesses is a bit classier than allegedly seducing a corporal.'
Gaddes shrugged. He had kept looking Allen in the eye the entire time. No point
looking as though he had anything to hide. He half wanted to laugh again,
because Allen was blushing so much.
'Well - I don't mean to insult you, but did you do it?'
'Well,' said Gaddes reflectively, scratching his nose, 'does it really mean
anything if I tell you no? Because even if I had done it, I'd still say no,
because I'm not stupid. If it makes you feel any better, no I did not. All
right?'
'I have insulted you,' Allen said. 'I'm sorry. Of course you didn't.'
'Corporal Esper,' Gaddes said, in a reminiscent tone, 'had one eye higher up
than the other, a pockmarked face, and duck's disease. Apart from the lack of
evidence, I always thought the case would've foundered on lack of motive.' He
grinned at Allen, inviting him to find it funny.
'I think it's absolutely terrible that a man's career should be destroyed by a
false accusation like that,' Allen said earnestly, and rather heatedly. 'I've
actually done something to deserve this setback, but you're suffering just
because of someone else's malice. What became of the corporal?'
'Well, it was sad. He couldn't take it any more, and they found this note on
his bed…'
'He committed suicide?' Allen's eyes widened; he looked shocked as well as
dismayed.
'No, let me finish, this note saying he couldn't remain where his word was
disbelieved, and like you said, his career was ruined because someone had
nothing better to do than go around making allegations, so he was going to find
somewhere where no-one knew him and start again. He did a runner in the middle
of the night. I sort of wished I'd thought of that, but once it was found they
kept a very close eye on me until I was sent here so I didn't get an
opportunity. But I’m not actually suffering. Like I said, we're happy here.
There's not a heck of a lot to do.'
'But I've heard that these woods are rife with bandits!' Allen said.
'Well… yes… your point being?'
'Then there's a great deal to do! We have to organise patrols, protect the law-
abiding local population, arrest criminals and send them to - ' He stopped,
snapping his fingers irritably as he tried to remember something - 'the next
town downriver where they've got a magistrate, what's it called? For a proper
trial and sentencing.'
'Lamor,' said Gaddes, 'but they won't thank you for it. You'll just annoy the
bosses and they'll start demanding more protection money. That magistrate
hasn't convicted a bandit for twelve years. He knows his place and we know
ours. As long as we don't make trouble for the bandits, they allow us to stay
here and play at soldiers.'
'But you have weapons, armour and melefs,' Allen said, incredulously. 'How can
you be afraid of a lot of grubby little swamp bandits?'
'Boss, you don't know what swamp bandits are like.'
'Actually, I do, for the very good reason that I used to be one,' he replied
crisply.
'You?'
'Me. I used to live…' he glanced at the half of the sun which remained visible
and took a bearing along his arm, 'over that way, in the wetland forests near
the coast. I met Balgus when he was on his way back to Fanelia from a journey
of self-improvement, and tried to rob him.' He smiled wryly. 'As you may
imagine, he trounced me. But he also went easy on me. I expected and rather
wanted to be killed. And he said to me, "Why are you in such a hurry to die?"
It was the first time anyone had shown a genuine interest in me for far too
long. My life began to change and gain meaning from that moment.'
'So what are you going to do, reform the bandits with understanding and
sympathy?'
'Oh, goodness no. That is, I don't expect all of them to be reformable. I'm
sure there are many hardened criminals out there who consider others' lives of
even less value than I considered my own. But there may be boys and young men
who are like I was, who see no alternative to a life of degradation and wrong-
doing and need to be shown. We have such an opportunity to make a difference
for good, Gaddes! I'm sure we can do it. I can count on you, can't I?' He put
an enthusiastic hand on Gaddes' shoulder, looking brightly into his eyes.
'Are you serious?' Gaddes managed to say.
'Absolutely! We must lose no time in starting. Once the men see what I'm
talking about, they'll come round.' He got to his feet with a quick, elastic
movement. 'Come with me and tell me about the local situation in more detail.
I'll need to make some notes. Give me a night to consider our strategy, and
tomorrow we can start setting the swamp to rights!'
 
Gaddes kept asking himself why he had gone along with any of it. It was so
obviously doomed to failure. It was just so hard to say no to Allen (which
perhaps explained something about the princess situation). It wasn't that he
was forceful or intimidating, just that he seemed to have such faith that you
would be as keen as he was, never mind the practicalities of it, that you sort
of got carried along before you knew where you stood. There was absolutely no
reason to think that it would work.
It had.
They had set off together before sparrow-fart that morning. First Allen had
woken everyone up hours earlier than normal by standing in the middle of the
barracks yard and blowing reveille on the fort's dented trumpet. Again and
again, until the men had emerged, scratching, yawning and regarding him with
bleary-eyed suspicion. Then he had made them a bright, enthusiastic speech
about what he proposed to do. They had looked at him blankly. He asked for
volunteers, and got a laugh. Instead of getting angry, he said that he
understood they had not had good leadership in the past and he had a lot to
prove to them. He was confident that they would regain their faith in
themselves and their abilities, with a little encouragement and a good example
from their officers. Everyone looked sideways at each other. Faith in
themselves? What was he going on about? Who wanted leadership anyway? This was
a dead-end posting, but at least it was a soft one as long as you didn't mind
the climate and the mosquitoes.
'Very well,' Allen said, 'Sergeant Gaddes and I will show you what can be done.
Right, Gaddes?' He turned and smiled at Gaddes, who found the sudden attention
horribly embarrassing. He had known to get up and dressed early, judging by the
surprise Allen had expressed last night at hearing that they didn't observe any
precise rising-hour, but he hadn't realised he would be singled out to do
anything. Frankly he had been hoping that when Allen saw how unmoved the men
were by any suggestion of actual work he would get discouraged and go back to
bed himself. Now Allen was the only person in the whole fort who was smiling at
him, or looked as if he ever would again. The combined force of dirty looks
from the men would have knocked him over if it had been something physical.
Wonderful. Everyone thinks I'm a sell-out and a brown-nose.
But it was the way Allen was smiling. He would feel like a bastard if he let
him down.
'Um, right, Boss,' he said, wondering what he was letting himself in for.
It turned out to be a long walk through the swamp, not as unpleasant as it
would have been if the day were a little more advanced and the sun hotter, but
still a pretty hard slog. Allen obviously was familiar with a swamp
environment; he was better at avoiding hidden slippery mud and the sort of
foliage that enjoyed slapping you in the face than Gaddes was. He sweated a
little, certainly, but he didn't get his clothes dirty or fall painfully on his
backside or accidentally walk right into a small but deep stagnant creek
entirely grown over with ferns. Nor did he laugh at Gaddes when any of these
things happened to him, until the creek incident, when he did appear to be
biting his lip somewhat.
'Have you not been out in the swamp much?' he asked in neutral tones, while
Gaddes was wringing out his socks. 'You don't seem familiar with the local
landmarks.'
And you only just got here, so how do you seem to know your way? It's as if
whatever way you decided to walk wouldbethe right way.
'Well, no. People stay in the fort where it's safe.'
'How do you get supplies in, though? You buy produce from the local peasantry,
don't you?'
'Yeah, but they bring it to us. I don't know where they live.'
'That's the first thing to fix,' Allen said positively. 'This trail ought to
lead us to someone's home.'
'What trail?'
'The one we're following,' Allen said patiently. 'The one that leads away from
the cleared area at the base of the stockade. Look, haven't you noticed the
blazes cut into the trees? Quite elaborate markers, too - I wouldn't be
surprised if there's a local system of signage indicating things like the
distance to certain places and the conditions to expect there. Without being
familiar with the local symbols I would guess that this castleish thing here
stands for "Castelo Fort" and this half-arrowhead is a directional marker. The
pattern of dots might indicate distance, or a notation like “you can sell
produce here.” I thought surely you'd seen that.'
'Honestly, no,' Gaddes said. 'I was too busy trying to see where I was going.'
Allen gave him an odd look, but didn't comment. Once Gaddes had his boots back
on they proceeded. Gaddes still couldn't see anything he would dignify with the
name of a trail, but now he was on the lookout for the markers he could see
them, scratched into the trunks of moss-hung trees. They came to the edge of
one of the larger watercourses. There was a raft attached to a sort of pulley
arrangement strung across the water, so that whichever side you happened to be
on, you could pull on the rope and bring the raft over to you, then get on it
and pull yourself over to the other shore.
'What a good idea,' Allen said, 'although it needs a little maintenance.' The
raft was so slimy with algae that Gaddes wasn't sure he could stand up on it.
'Rafts are clearly the only way to get very far in the wetter parts of the
swamp,' Allen was saying, jauntily stepping onto the greasy boards and taking
hold of the rope. 'We'll have to make several. Or perhaps some flat-bottomed
punts. Are you fond of boats, Gaddes? Be careful!' Gaddes had almost stumbled
into the water at the first pull, only saving himself by grabbing a handful of
Allen's puffed sleeve.
'I think perhaps you'd better sit down,' Allen said. 'Your feet are wet enough
without soaking the rest of yourself. Besides which, do you have alligators
here?'
'Huge mothers,' Gaddes said, sinking into a more stable crouch. 'Which is one
reason why we don't mess around in the swamp. Then there's the mosquitoes,
which are the size of small dogs, and the leeches, and the snakes, and the
vampire bats, and the flying lizards, and the possums…'
'Oh, come on,' said Allen, 'what can opossums possibly do to you?'
'You haven't met these possums,' said Gaddes darkly. 'They're savage little
bastards.'
'Well, even alligators need not discourage us if we proceed sensibly,' Allen
said, drawing them up to the bank. 'After you.'
A few more minutes' walking brought them to something that actually did look
like a trail to Gaddes' eyes, and by following it they reached a ramshackle
fence enclosing a small yard around an old swamp cottage, the kind that looked
as though it had grown, rather than being built. There was smoke coming from
the chimney, chickens running in the yard and a small girl sitting on the
doorstep sucking her fingers.
'Good morning, my dear!' Allen called to her, leaning over the gate. 'Would you
run inside and tell your father there's someone to see him?' The child looked
at him saucer-eyed, then scrambled up and ran into the house.
'I hope I didn't frighten her,' Allen said. 'Do you recognise her?'
'No. No-one brings little kids to the fort.'
The front door opened a little and an older girl, about fourteen, looked out
suspiciously.
'I do know her,' Gaddes said. 'Maeleen Quin. She helps her mum and dad bring
vegetables up to us.'
'Good morning, Miss Quin!' Allen called out cheerfully. 'I'm terribly sorry to
disturb you, but is your father at home?'
'Mum and Dad have gone to Lamor,' she said. 'It's market today. They went last
night.'
'Ah. Well, perhaps you would tell him that I called? I'm simply introducing
myself, I am the new commander of Castelo Fort and I wished to make myself
known to the people I am here to serve.'
I think I'm going to die of embarrassment by association, Gaddes thought.
Doesn't he know that's not how you talk to swamp people? They're little and
shifty and scared, and they won't look you in the eye, and they're sharp enough
to cut themselves, especially when it comes to taking your money. They don’t
trust anyone, including each other.
However, Maeleen came out of the house and down to the fenceline, although she
did not open the gate. She put her hands on her hips and looked the two of them
over critically.
'I know you,' she said to Gaddes. 'Is he really your boss?'
'Yes,' he admitted. 'He's new,' he added by way of explanation.
'Allen Schezar,' said Allen, and bowed as though he were meeting a perfumed and
powdered lady of the court, rather than a girl in an old calico shift with her
brown hair in an unravelling braid. If there hadn't been a gate between them,
you really thought he might have taken her hand and kissed it.
'Is he really your boss?' she asked Gaddes again, with a delightedly
incredulous smile. 'I mean, is he real?' Gaddes shrugged.
'I realise that the former commander did not, perhaps, take as much of an
interest in those under his protection as he should have,' Allen said. 'I wish
to remedy that. If you have concerns, I wish to know of them.'
At the word protection, Maeleen's smile had collapsed into a frown. 'We're not
going to pay youas well as that mob up the creek,' she said. 'We give you a
discount on potatoes as it is.'
'I assure you that nothing is further from my mind,' Allen said. 'This mob up
the creek to which you refer - do you mean a gang of bandits?'
'Of course I do,' she said. 'Aidan's gang. And we pay the bill every fortnight,
on the nail. We don't owe anyone anything. Until next week,' she added, as an
afterthought.
'Could you direct me to their headquarters?' Allen asked courteously. 'I think
I should meet Mr Aidan.'
***** Chapter 2 *****
Things had gone alarmingly fast from there. The next thing Gaddes knew, they
were squelching along a creek bank making for the bandits' hideout. He had
tried to point out to Allen that it was absolutely crazy, and Allen had just
said he was touched by his concern, but there was no need to worry about him.
And then they were walking right up to the hideout itself, under the roots of a
massive hunchbacked fig tree. Allen had told him to wait under cover, only
coming forward if he gave a signal, which he had been only too glad to do,
except he felt terrible about letting him go ahead by himself. He resolved that
in any case, he would try to get the body back so the kid could be sent home to
his family for a decent burial.
Only one or two bandits were actually awake, standing guard in a desultory
manner. Allen strode up to them and asked in a clear, ringing voice to see Mr
Aidan. After much bug-eyed staring, and with some nasty sniggering, the bandit
chief was eventually brought forth. Gaddes had never seen Aidan in person
before, but he matched up pretty exactly to his reputation. He was built like a
brick shithouse, if you could imagine a shithouse with a grin full of gold
teeth, dreadlocked ginger hair and two machetes crossed over its back, and
despite the grin, in a filthy temper at being woken from its morning lie-in.
Allen had challenged him to a duel.
Then, when the bandits had finished laughing, he had repeated the challenge.
He's actually mad. That explains it. It's a shame, because I really do like
him, but he's obviously completely barking. You get that in posh families,
don't you, too much inbreeding. They look all right on the outside, but inside,
cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Aidan had called all his men to watch the duel.
Gaddes had never seen anyone lose a fight so fast.
The bizarre part was, Allen didn't even fight dirty. He was simply so quick and
so deadly accurate that there was nothing Aidan could do; somehow, wherever he
aimed a blow, Allen was never in the way when it got there. First he lost one
machete, the rusty steel blade sheared through by a deft stroke of Allen's
shining sword; then the other was struck from his hand by a wicked sting from
the point of it.
'Do you yield, sir?' Allen asked, holding the blade motionless a breath away
from Aidan's bristly throat.
'Uh, yeah,' said Aidan, swallowing and looking as though he regretted it when
his adam's apple bobbed against the cold metal edge. One by one, the other
bandits melted away into the bushes.
And then, as if the previous impossibilities were not enough for one day,
Gaddes found himself bringing up the rear as Allen led Bloody Aidan, terror of
the swamps, or of that bit anyway, back to the fort with his hands tied behind
his back and a rope around his neck. He was carrying a bag containing the sum
total of the gang's portable assets, a double handful of gold coins and some
gaudy jewellery. Allen said they were going to return it to its proper owners,
or if they couldn't be found, redistribute it amongst the local poor. Gaddes
felt like pointing out that he was quite poor himself, as was anyone getting a
sergeant's salary, but he felt sure Allen wouldn't see it that way. He was
getting an inkling now of why he went along with all this; he was dying to see
what happened next.
When they came to the gates of the fort, there was no-one to be seen. Allen
shaded his eyes and looked up at the battlements with a faint air of
exasperation.
‘They’re probably having their after-lunch kip,’ Gaddes said apologetically.
‘We’ve been gone hours.’
‘Tight little operation you’ve got going here,’ said Aidan. Allen absent-
mindedly tugged on the halter rope and he choked into silence. At this point,
the crown of a bald head came into view over the tops of the battlements. Its
owner did not appear to be looking over the battlements or through the arrow-
slits, just standing there.
‘And that’ll be Oruto having a smoke,’ said Gaddes. ‘Good place to catch the
sun.’ He gave Aidan a nasty look in case he was thinking of commenting on that
too.
Allen cupped his hands around his mouth. ‘Hey! Up there!’
The head rapidly vanished. After a few seconds’ pause it reappeared,
cautiously, rising high enough for the eyes to come into view.
‘Who goes there?’ Oruto called out, as if he was not sure he was getting the
terminology right.
‘Your commanding officer! Open the gate!’
‘How do I know it’s you?’
‘Don’t piss around, Oruto, you can see it’s us!’ Gaddes yelled back.
‘Give the password!’
‘What’s the password?’ asked Allen.
‘We don’t have a password,’ Gaddes growled, ‘he’s being a prick. Oruto! Open
the gate now or I’ll make you eat those knives you chuck around!’
‘Not from out there you won’t,’ came the undeniable reply.
‘Oruto,’ Allen called, ‘this is a direct order. Kindly open the gate and let us
in now.’
Silence.
‘Shit,’ said Gaddes. ‘Look, Boss, it’s just Oruto being Oruto. If it was anyone
else they’d open up. We just need to wait until someone else comes out.’
‘But they’re having their afternoon kip,’ Aidan pointed out.
‘Don’t help!’ Gaddes snapped.
‘Is Oruto always this paranoid?’ Allen asked. Gaddes checked and yes, he was in
earnest again. He seemed to have a dangerous tendency to assume the best of
people. He looked worried about Oruto.
‘He’s not paranoid, he’s a wanker,’ Gaddes said wearily. ‘Oruto,’ he called out
again, in a wheedling tone, ‘we’ve got moneeeeeey.’
‘Money?’
‘M-O-N-E-Y, pronounced money.’
‘I’ll be right down.’
A few moments later, one half of the gate swung open, letting them walk in.
‘Right!’ said Oruto cheerfully, closing it behind the three. ‘Let’s see that
money!’
‘I never said we’d give you any,’ said Gaddes, grinning. ‘I can’t believe you.
Ten-year-old kids know that one.’
‘You want that smile to go all the way to your ears?’ Oruto demanded, weighing
one of his throwing knives in his hand. At this point he noticed Aidan, who was
looking disgusted at being captured by this class of person. The effect was
rather gratifying to observe; he went so pale you could tell what had been tan
and what had been dirt in the overall brownness of his complexion. It was only
for a moment, and he made an impressive recovery, but he was clearly shaken.
‘That’s Bloody Aidan,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ said Allen, rather crisply. ‘We captured him. I haven’t inspected the
entire fort yet, but I assume we do have some sort of holding facilities for
prisoners?’
‘There’s the cooler,’ said Oruto, not taking his eyes off the ferociously
sulking bandit.
‘That sounds eminently suitable. Gaddes, put Mr Aidan in the cooler, please.
Oruto, summon the rest of the men. I’d like them all to see this.’
 
They were suitably impressed, although there were the usual voices of
scepticism.
‘It’s a trick,’ someone at the back said. ‘They’ve got someone to dress up as
Aidan.’
‘Why would we do that?’ Gaddes asked.
‘No offence, Sarge, but we know you didn’t go out and catch Bloody Aidan.’
‘I didn’t go out, we went out. This is the Boss’ work,’ Gaddes explained. ‘All
right, all right, people who’ve had a look move to the back, let some fresh
ones through. You’ll all get a turn. Don’t throw him peanuts, we feed him.’
‘I am not a menagerie animal,’ said Aidan resentfully from inside the cell.
‘You act like an animal,’ Allen said sternly, ‘so now you are being treated
like one. I would like you all to observe, men, exactly how fearsome Mr Aidan
is when stripped of his weapons and removed from the company of his
accomplices. In and of himself, he is nothing. He is by all accounts a cowardly
ruffian the least of us can look down on. For too long, people like him have
held sway in this region, and we are going to change that.’ He was standing
against the wall, his arms folded across his chest.
‘My “accomplices” will be coming for me as soon as it gets dark,’ Aidan said,
grinning an expensive grin. His gold dentistry gleamed in the flickering torch-
light of the cell. ‘They’ll be getting ready right now, while your lot are
standing round gawking at the big scary bandit.’
‘My lot,’ Allen said coolly, ‘will be ready for them.’ He turned smartly and
strode out of the cell, followed by cries of protest from his men. No-one would
have shut or locked the cell door if Gaddes had not remembered. He could hear
Aidan laughing, with an intimidating echo effect, as he hurried up the steps to
the main yard. Everyone was milling around indignantly, agreeing with each
other that they couldn’t possibly hold off a full-on bandit attack and the new
boss was clearly mental. Allen stepped onto a crate standing against the
palisade wall and held up his hands for quiet. The strange thing was, after a
moment or so it worked.
‘Gentlemen!’ he began, which got another ready laugh. ‘I understand that you
may be daunted by the prospect of the task ahead. However, I assure you that
you are more than equal to it, and with efficient co-operation and adherence to
strategy we will achieve victory.’
‘How!?’ yelled Reeden.
‘I’m glad you asked,’ said Allen. ‘I have a plan.’
And stranger still, they listened. Every now and again someone would ask a
question, but only half-jeeringly, and gradually not jeeringly at all.
They’re already shaken up that the kid actually got Aidan. Now anything seems
possible, or at least uncertain, Gaddes reflected as he watched Allen draw an
enthusiastic and efficient battle plan in the dust of the yard with a pointed
stick. His men would follow him anywhere, he thought wryly, if only out of
morbid curiosity.
 
The sun was once more setting as Gaddes climbed the ladder to the rooftop,
still feeling mildly stunned at the night and day that had passed. The
afternoon of their return had been spent in feverish preparations for the
bandits’ attack. There were still many of the men who would have refused
indignantly to lift a hand, except that if they still wanted to have hands, or
indeed any other significant body parts come morning, they didn’t have much
choice. There was some grumbled resentment of Allen for getting them all into
this, and Gaddes didn’t see that there was much he could do about that without
firmly establishing a reputation as Allen’s nark. It had to be proven that
Allen was right before he would be forgiven for siding with him; he was on thin
ice as it was.
It made him a little annoyed that Allen had done this to him after he’d said he
didn’t like to take sides, and yet he couldn’t point to any way in which Allen
had made him do anything against his will. He could always have said no, he
simply hadn’t. He had never expected it to go so far.
Everyone had been tense and keyed-up as twilight came, naturally enough. Heavy
cloud had come down in the afternoon and there was no proper sunset; it
promised to be a very dark night, which made a lot of people feel worse. They
waited in their places, straining their ears to hear more than the sounds of
the swamp’s teeming wildlife.
Then the bandits had screamed in the night and attacked. There had been no more
time for nerves, almost no time for thought. Many of the men of the fort had
never been in a proper battle before, unless you counted the larger street
fights. This was different. This wasn’t the chaos of a brawl; every man had a
duty assigned to him, and somehow, to their own awe, they found themselves
becoming integrated parts of a large and powerful machine. It didn’t work
perfectly by any means; there was clumsiness and panic and several mistakes
that almost ruined everything, but somehow they prevailed. Allen seemed to be
everywhere at once, shouting orders and exhortations, sword flashing as he went
through the ranks of the bandits like a shark through water.
And somehow, as the first watery light of dawn broke, they had the surviving
bandits sitting in a snivelling, mutinous cluster in the middle of the yard,
hands on their heads, ringed in by men with polearms.
‘Take them to the cells,’ Allen said, wiping his sword on the hem of his
overskirt. There was nothing glossy about him now; he had gotten good and dirty
in the fight, and had a rather painful-looking burn on his chin and cheekbone
from a firebomb that had gone astray. ‘We’ll take them downriver for trial once
we’ve got this place cleaned up.’
The men looked at each other in disbelief, but he clearly meant it. Somehow,
after all that, no-one said no. Even as they put out smouldering fires,
repaired gaps in the stockade, scrubbed blood off the walls and dug graves for
the handful of bandits who had fallen in the attack (no casualties for the
fort, and the most serious wounds had been accidentally self-inflicted by Kio,
who was using a bow too short for him and had managed to shoot himself in the
heel of the hand), the grumbling was more muted than it had been the previous
evening. They worked like dogs all morning and most of the afternoon, but
eventually the fort was probably in better condition than it had been before
the fight. At late afternoon, Allen had called a halt to the work and given
them, he said, a well-earned rest. The men, most of them still with the stains
of battle on their faces and clothes, hardly seemed to know what to do, but
after a bit some of them wandered off to the well to draw water for washing,
and others brought up a few barrels from the cellar and had a drink which they
felt was even better earned than the rest.
That dazed, what-the-fuck-just-happened mood seemed set to prevail for the rest
of the afternoon, but as the day cooled people seemed to revive, and began new
preparations for a victory celebration. Allen was nowhere to be seen at this
stage, but Gaddes thought he knew where to find him, which was why he was now
climbing the ladder one-handed and carrying two bottles in the other hand.
True to form, Allen was sitting on the flat roof, watching the sunset as
tranquilly as if he had never moved from the spot. He turned his head as he
heard Gaddes approaching, and smiled up at him.
‘We showed them,’ he said, with evident pride.
‘Yep,’ said Gaddes, sitting down beside him and offering him a bottle, ‘those
bastards won’t try it on with us again.’
‘I meant the men,’ Allen said. ‘We showed them what they can do. If I’d asked
you yesterday whether we could do that, would you have said yes?’
‘I wouldn’t’ve said anything, I’d be laughing too hard.’ Gaddes took a swig
from his bottle. ‘I suppose you were proving a point?’
‘Of course,’ Allen said. ‘I knew it would be all right. This is an excellent
position for defence, and really, the men are much more capable than they
seemed at first glance. We had superior numbers and weaponry, and ultimately
the whole thing was a foregone conclusion.’
‘I’d have said that, too, but from the other side.’ Gaddes shook his head.
‘Tell me one thing, Boss, are we going to do that kind of thing a lot from now
on?’
‘As much as we need to,’ Allen said. ‘Although I anticipate it will get easier
after an initial difficult period, because many bandits should move off to
other areas where they meet with less resistance. We’ll only have to deal with
the hard-core hangers-on here.’
‘What fun,’ said Gaddes dryly.
‘I know,’ said Allen, with a self-deprecating smile, ‘but you know it’s worth
it. Thank you for all your work, Gaddes.’
‘I didn’t do anything much,’ Gaddes said, surprised, ‘it was all your plan. I
just did what you showed me.’ Something that had been bothering him at the back
of his mind pushed to the front. ‘Listen, why’d you leave me behind at the
bandits’? Did you not think I’d be any use? I guess I seemed pretty pathetic to
you coming through the swamp.’
‘Oh no,’ said Allen. ‘It was a calculated risk, because I thought it would be
more effective if I appeared alone. Believe me, I would much rather have had
you by my side, but a lone challenger made Aidan fatally overconfident.’
‘Uh-huh,’ said Gaddes, not entirely convinced. Like you needed that advantage.
I’m going to have to raise my standards a lot just to keep from feeling like
crap around you. And not because you’d ever try to make me feel like it;
somehow it’d be worse because you wouldn’t. You actually seem to believe in me,
which makes me wonder what’s wrong with you. It’s not that I’m such a waste of
space, but I’m not as good as all that.
‘Balgus always said that you win the fight before it begins if you can make
your opponent lose mastery of himself,’ Allen said thoughtfully, tapping the
neck of his bottle against the unburned side of his chin. The burn itself did
not look too bad now that he had washed his face; it was red and puffy but
seemed unlikely to leave a scar. From the other side, where Gaddes was sitting,
his face in profile still looked perfect.
‘Well, however you did it, you kicked his ass,’ Gaddes said. ‘Cheers.’
‘Cheers.’ They clinked the bottles together, and sat quietly a while longer,
gazing into the sunset.
‘The boys’ll be having a party tonight,’ Gaddes said. ‘That’s all right with
you, right?’
‘Of course. They deserve some fun after what they’ve just been through. It’s
certainly not my intention to make their lives joyless and exhausting. You must
go and enjoy yourself too, Gaddes.
‘Well, you’ll come too, won’t you?’
‘Do you think I should?’ Allen said, looking concerned. ‘Sometimes the presence
of an officer can be an awful wet blanket. They may not feel they can relax
with me there.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Gaddes told him. ‘These guys could relax on a clothesline.
They’ll like it. You can’t stay up here like you know you’re too good for them.
Come on. We’ll get you drunk. As long as I’m conscious I won’t let them try to
do any sort of horrible initiation ritual on you. After that you’re on your
own.’
‘How can I resist an invitation like that?’ Allen asked, grinning briefly, then
wincing as the stretch of the smile made his burnt cheek ache.
***** Chapter 3 *****
These sunset talks became a habit, then a tradition. It gave them time to
consult together and discuss the increasingly eventful days, looking back and
planning ahead, but also time to enjoy one another’s company. Allen could relax
in Gaddes’ presence in a way that he could not with the other men; Gaddes
realised he was in a rather privileged position, and felt especially favoured.
Since Allen had come to the fort even the air of the place felt different. The
sense of who-gives-a-damn fatalism had lifted, and the men were gradually
discovering that actually, they gave at least a darn, possibly a damn, and in
some cases a good goddamn. Allen might have been disappointed to realise how
few were actually inspired by his vision of justice and peace in the frontier
zone, and how many by the sense of power and pride that came with being on the
winning side for once, but in any case the effect was the same. Big changes
were afoot. The ship Allen had arrived in, his own Crusade, was now at rest in
the limestone caves beneath the fort, caves which Allen himself had pointed out
made an ideal hidden hangar. And in the big melef chamber, along with the
somewhat broken-down models that had made their way, at the end of a long
service life, to this end of the earth, loomed the elegantly deadly figure of
Scherazade, his chivalric order’s guymelef. An heirloom like this was something
rarely seen in the modern world.
He really is like something out of the olden days, Gaddes thought. That’s his
secret, that’s his charm. I didn’t think there were knights like him any more;
if I’m honest I don’t think I seriously believed there ever were.
Terror spread through the criminal population of the swamp like contagion. They
had been so used to a total lack of resistance or interference that many were
entirely demoralised by the sudden aggression on the part of the army and left
altogether. Others, as Allen had predicted, dug their heels in and vowed to
fight for their way of life. The magistrate in Lamor had his heaviest caseload
in years, and was actually working up the nerve to sentence some of them. The
almost invisible population of the swamp, the tenders of tiny farms, the
hunters and charcoal-burners and gypsies, took heart and grew a little bolder,
as though they actually had a right to make a living here. The different
feeling was spreading out there, too.
Allen requisitioned new arms and armour and they actually came. He ordered in
books which he offered around to any of the men who might feel like improving
their minds, although for the most part he was the only one who read them. He
ordered brandy and cigars which he handed around at victory celebrations, and
these were much more popular.
‘Why don’t you ever have one too?’ Gaddes asked him. They were breaking habit
by watching the moons from the rooftop. That day they had cleaned out a nest of
particularly nasty thugs responsible not only for intimidation and robberies
but for a few rapes and cold-blooded murders. It was enough to make you feel
quite righteous; it was certainly enough to make a few of the men put the boot
in when Allen wasn’t looking. He was very set on treating prisoners with
decency.
‘What?’ said Allen. He was lying on his back with his head pillowed on his
arms, gazing up at the faint blue shimmer of the Mystic Moon, partially
eclipsed by the cratered mass of the white moon.
‘You never have a cigar,’ Gaddes said. ‘You’re like the too-good-to-be-true kid
who hands round the box of chocolates without even trying to sneak the rum
truffles out first.’ He was lying back too, blowing smoke rings at the moons.
‘I just don’t smoke,’ Allen said. ‘I know some of the men do, which is why I
ordered them, but I’ve never tried it myself.’
‘Ah well. You’re only almost seventeen.’
‘I can see you grinning without looking. Pipe down about my age, Sergeant.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t make fun, I know you’ve achieved a lot more than I had when I
was almost seventeen.’
‘I’ve had more opportunities,’ said Allen, sounding a little guilty.
‘Don’t talk crap – meaning no disrespect, sir. Doesn’t matter what
opportunities we got, we’re both where we are because of what kind of person we
were.’
‘We’re both in the same place,’ Allen pointed out. ‘As you poetically put it
the other day, the arse end of nowhere. I’d like to consider us equal.’
‘You’re too generous, that’s your trouble,’ Gaddes said. ‘Makes me feel stingy.
Go on, you have a puff. At least try it out, you’re paying for it.’ He passed
over the cigar. Allen took it rather dubiously, and looked at it very carefully
before putting the end in his mouth. After holding the smoke in his mouth for a
moment, with a puzzled look, he let it escape.
‘What do you think?’
‘Remarkably nasty,’ Allen said, and coughed slightly. ‘Not to mention
pointless.’
‘It’s an acquired taste, they say.’
‘It’s lunacy.’
Gaddes pointed at the full moons and grinned.
‘The phase of the moon is no excuse,’ said Allen, getting to his feet and
handing the cigar back. ‘You do it all the time.’
‘I do not, only when you pass the box round.’
‘At least you don’t howl at the moons,’ Allen said, stretching lazily with his
hands clasped above his head. ‘My little sister and I used to do that on full-
moon nights, until we scared ourselves silly of werewolves and had to sleep in
Mother’s bed.’
‘How old are you in this?’
‘Up to ten or eleven – I was a cowardly child.’
‘I can’t believe that.’ Gaddes thought for a moment. ‘You never said you had a
sister before. What’s her name?’
‘Her name was Celena,’ Allen said quietly, and Gaddes noticed the significant
was, the please-don’t-ask tone, and decided it was time for diplomacy. There
was a pause and the moment of danger passed.
‘I don’t know,’ he said lightly, ‘I could go for a howl about now.’
‘It does feel like a wild sort of night,’ Allen said, pacing over to the edge
of the rooftop. ‘I can’t be still any more. I was lying there thinking how, if
I could, I might fly rings around the moons on the back of a dragon.’
‘Good luck catching one,’ Gaddes said, amused.
‘Don’t you feel it, though?’ Allen asked, turning to look down at him. The
moonlight gave him silver edges, and his face was hooded in shadow. ‘Tonight is
a night for prowling around, for going where you’re not supposed to. Going
where you’re afraid to, and making it yours.’ He stood for a moment looking out
at the swamp. ‘Let’s go out,’ he said.
‘Out?’
‘Let’s go for a walk.’
‘In the swamp at night?’ Even now they weren’t trying to patrol in the hours of
darkness, although that was part of Allen’s long-range plan.
‘Hard by the fort it should be perfectly safe. Come on. I feel pent up staying
here. Let’s go, Gaddes!’
‘Who’s a lunatic now?’ Gaddes asked. ‘You want to get eaten by mosquitoes?’
‘I fear no mosquito,’ said Allen, grabbing his hand and hauling him to his
feet. ‘Come on. You’re going to say yes anyway, it’s just a question of keeping
at you.’
‘Did you use that line on your princess?’
‘Good Lord, no. Please, Gaddes!’ Allen looked at him beseechingly, his eyes
silvered by the moonlight. Gaddes could feel himself giving in already.
He agreed to go, although he insisted on bringing a pistol crossbow, which
Allen pooh-poohed as unnecessary. He seemed to have come over quite reckless.
‘Three feet of cold steel is all I need between me and the hostile world,’ he
declared, striding down the path from the fort gates. Teo had let them out,
looking bemused but asking no questions. These days he assumed it must be
something important. ‘Although if you want to protect me from savage possums,’
Allen went on, laughing, ‘please go ahead.’ He swung the lantern he carried,
making the light bob and dance over the ground ahead.
‘You are nuts, of course,’ Gaddes said, but he was only protesting on principle
now. There was a sense of enchantment out here, of secrets, of the world at a
time that did not belong to people. As usual, he was resonating to Allen’s
mood, however reluctantly.
Heading into the scrub at the side of the now well-beaten path to the first
homestead, they walked towards the sound of running water.  Gaddes had spent a
great deal of time in the swamp since Allen’s arrival and he was much more sure
of himself here now, but it was still slightly tricky going in the near-dark,
with the glowing light that marked Allen’s position bobbing away ahead of him.
Eventually it grew still, and drawing near, he found that Allen had stopped on
the bank of a broad bit of creek, an almost still pool above a faster downhill
passage, shining his light over the mud at the edge.
‘Does this look like a landing-place to you?’ he asked. ‘Maybe we should use it
for the rafts.’
‘If we want to compete with the alligators for berthing space,’ said Gaddes. ‘I
know I’m not the outdoorsman you are, but you didn’t have them  in your neck of
the woods, and I can tell you that’s what made that slide into the water. Come
away from the edge, Boss. They’ll see you.’
‘Don’t make such a fuss,’ Allen said. ‘Alligators are cold-blooded reptiles.
That means they’re slow-moving and almost inactive at night. I had a book of
natural history as a child.’
‘It’s a warm night, and you’re shining a light right over the water. Please,
Boss, I would feel a lot better if you took a few steps back.’ Gaddes sidled
closer to the water, trying to work out how to herd Allen away from the bank
without having to get nearer to it than he was.
‘Back which way?’ said Allen, grinning and turning to face Gaddes, his back to
the water. ‘Why, if I go back this way I’ll just ruin my boots.’
‘It’s not like you to act the goat,’ Gaddes was saying reproachfully, when the
water behind Allen erupted in a spout of foam. It was too quick to see what
made it; Gaddes leapt at the same time, firing the small crossbow; then there
was impact and motion and a short tumble later he was on the ground with both
arms around Allen’s waist, staring at the expanding circles of ripples in the
water, where the wounded alligator had just made its retreat.
There was a long time in which there was no sound but their rapid breathing;
Gaddes could feel his heart crashing against Allen’s back.
‘That was an astonishing shot,’ Allen said, a little weakly. ‘Right in the eye.
It’s very hard to hit them anywhere vulnerable.’
‘It was a total fluke,’ Gaddes said. ‘I didn’t have time to aim.’ He thought
about it. ‘Right in the eye, and it didn’t die?’
‘They have very tiny brains,’ Allen said.
‘Oh, I forgot, you’re the expert on alligators who’s never seen one. Inactive
at night, he says.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s all right. Just, if you ever do something like that again, I’ll hold you
down so the alligator can bite a tasty bit.’
‘I’m really sorry, Gaddes.’ Allen was shaking. Gaddes tightened his arms around
him a little, worried by the tremors he could feel.
‘And it’s all right. Are you okay?’
‘Yes, I think so. But – it’s strange, people trying to kill me is quite
accustomed now, and I don’t panic, but somehow, the – an animal – it… I don’t
know how to say it.’
‘I know what you mean. Scared you shitless.’
‘Again, you put your finger on the nub of it.’ Allen shivered. ‘Can we just…
keep still for a little while, while I calm myself down? I… feel better like
this.’
‘Of course. Don’t worry about it. Take as long as you like.’
‘It must be uncomfortable for you.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Gaddes repeated softly.
 
Something strange happened after that night; Allen seemed to go back inside his
shell. At first Gaddes thought he was only embarrassed to have been so
overconfident and nearly gotten into serious trouble, but it wasn’t just that;
he seemed to be withdrawing his friendship, speaking more formally to him and
cutting their evening talks short. He also didn’t allow them to get onto any
subjects not related to the business of the day; whereas before he had quite
often gone off on rambling tangents and told Gaddes about things like a night
at the opera house in Pallas or exploits of Balgus, or asked him things about
himself, his own thoughts and likings. Now he got to the point and that was it.
After a week of it Gaddes was fed up.
‘Are you mad at me about something?’ he asked bluntly as Allen was getting up
to leave. The sun was still on the horizon; he was always dashing off these
days before it had time to set properly. Before they had kept talking while the
stars came out.
‘Of course not,’ Allen said stiffly, pausing without quite turning to face him.
‘Your work has been excellent.’
‘I don’t mean about work. I know I’m doing my job. I mean personally. Because I
thought we were getting on really well, and suddenly you’ve gone dead on me.
Did you decide you shouldn’t be getting pally with a lower-class NCO or what?’
‘Oh, no!’ Allen said, sounding distressed that he should think it. He turned
back and stood looking at Gaddes in a way that seemed oddly irresolute. He
looked as if he couldn’t make up his mind whether to come back and sit down, or
run away altogether. ‘No, Gaddes, I’d never be such a snob.’
‘Then what is it? You act like you don’t want to talk to me. Not to get mushy
about it, but I thought we were friends.’
‘I – I wanted to be friends too,’ Allen said helplessly.
‘Well, why not be friends? And it’s especially weird that you’re acting like
you’ve gone off me since we had that walk and you nearly got yourself eaten.’
‘I know you saved my life, Gaddes, it’s not that I’m ungrateful. Quite the
opposite.’
‘Is it one of those things where you get snotty with anyone who’s seen you in a
moment of weakness? Don’t you trust me? Do you think I’d tell the guys, or make
fun of you? Do I do that? Did I tell them about the princess? You’re not being
very fair to me.’
‘It isn’t that at all,’ said Allen. He shifted from one foot to the other,
uncomfortably. ‘I’m trying to be fair to you, to be professional and not bother
you.’
‘What do you mean, bother me?’
‘Well – I – it’s embarrassing to say.’ He looked very boyish saying that, very
young. Gaddes supposed he had to be patient with him.
‘Would you just tell me so I know where I stand? I don’t enjoy guessing games.’
‘About – about that night,’ Allen said. He was looking at his feet again. ‘How
you pushed me back from the water’s edge, and landed on the ground holding me,
and I asked to stay like that.’
‘What about it?’
‘Well, I thought surely that must have bothered you.’
‘Why? I told you it was all right.’
‘I thought you were just being nice.’
‘No, I’m only nice if I mean it. See, you’re the one with a sense of duty. You
think I’d be anything like a good sergeant if I didn’t actually like you? Why
did you think it’d bother me? I still don’t understand that. It’s not as if I
think you’re a wimp because you wanted to be close to someone after you were
scared. People don’t talk about it, but everyone understands.’
‘But for you, particularly, in your situation,’ Allen said anxiously. ‘I’m
trying to be tactful.’
‘You’re just being confusing.’
‘Your whole career was ruined because someone accused you of… of being
inappropriately intimate with another man. So surely it would have made you
very uncomfortable for me to put you into a situation where we were so close.’
‘It was a hug,’ said Gaddes flatly. ‘It’s not like I was trying to feel you up.
Nice of you not to want to put temptation in my way, but I have got some self-
control.’
‘No! You’re getting it reversed, I meant that – well, that you might think I
was – that I was…’
‘Asking for it?’ Gaddes said incredulously. He had never thought to look at it
from that side.
‘No! Oh, I don’t know what I mean. Because I suppose I was – no – well, I did
like being close to you, but just because we’re friends, because…’ He stopped
and took a deep breath before starting again. ‘Put it this way. I have been at
chamber-music evenings in private houses in Pallas where it would not be
considered at all questionable for young men who were friends to sit with their
arms around each other listening, or to walk in the garden hand in hand, or to
kiss each other at meeting and parting. On the other hand, I have been in bars
where the only acceptable way to show affection for another man was to punch
him in the arm instead of the face. Admittedly, these are two opposite
extremes, but I confess I wasn’t at all sure where you would fall between them
in your idea of – of what was an acceptable level of intimacy between friends.
And if I seemed too – affectionate, I suppose, you might be repelled and our
friendship would be ruined. I think I’ve been overcorrecting my course, and
I’ve given you the impression of coldness, which saddens me still more as I may
have spoiled the friendship in an effort to preserve it.’ The look on Allen’s
face was quite tragic.
‘Boss,’ said Gaddes ruefully, with half a smile, ‘why didn’t you tell me all
that instead of thinking it and assuming you knew how I’d feel?’
‘I don’t know,’ Allen admitted. ‘I was just trying to be normal, but I confess
I’m not very sure what that is. I grew up mostly in the company of my mother
and sister, with an absent father, and I’ve always been afraid that it’s made
me effeminate. After I lost them I was alone much of the time. I’ve never had a
close male friend before, not one of near my own age. Of course I was
tremendously attached to Balgus, but he was my mentor so it was quite
different.’
‘Don’t try to be normal,’ Gaddes said, shaking his head. ‘Normality is
overrated. I’ve got an aunt who lives her whole life like that, trying to guess
what other people expect her to do, and she never pleases herself or anyone
else. You’re fine the way you are. You’re a cut above most people I know. I
told you I liked you already. I thought you’d be able to tell from that. You
can’t say it like that to everyone. You’re right, they pull back and look at
you funny. I thought I was showing you there that we could be… like you said,
close friends, and it was all right. I suppose I was making the same mistake as
you.’
‘Oh,’ said Allen. After a moment, he smiled slightly. ‘I feel a bit of an
idiot. But I’m pleased.’
‘So am I, now I know what you’re going on about. Would you just sit down again?
You’re making me uncomfortable, hovering like that.’
‘Of course, of course,’ Allen said, sitting down with alacrity. He seemed
unable to stop smiling now. ‘So you actually didn’t mind? That’s such a
relief!’
‘I told you, it was fine.’ Gaddes paused, a little awkwardly. ‘Do you mean that
you want to do stuff like you were saying, like the holding hands bit?’
‘Oh. Oh no.’
‘Because I wouldn’t mind if you did, I mean, we’d have to be discreet about it
because I don’t think the guys would understand, but if that’s important to
you, if you’d like it…’
‘No, no, I was just offering that as an example.’ There was a small silence
full of mutual embarrassment and shyness.
‘It’s a nice sunset tonight,’ Allen said, a shade desperately.
‘Yeah – yeah, it is, I like the way it’s reflecting up on those little shreddy
clouds.’
‘Looks like the sun on the ocean, only upside down and different colours.’
‘Very pretty.’
‘Very.’
They both trailed off again.
‘Gaddes, do you think I’m effeminate?’ Allen asked. He looked troubled; clearly
he couldn’t leave the idea alone now he had brought it up.
‘With the amount of ass I’ve seen you kick? No way. The guys don’t think you
are either. Terms like “brass balls” have been bandied about.’
‘Well, they don’t see me like you do.’ Allen tucked a lock of hair back behind
his ear. It was growing out, starting to brush his collar. ‘I always wonder
about that. I worry about the way my mother brought me up, talking with her and
playing with my little sister all day, little things like letting my hair grow
long – I got it cut off short because I thought it would please Balgus, but he
didn’t seem to notice. Sometimes I feel more comfortable with women than with
men. They’re easier to talk to. It’s always been like that for me. Men seem as
mysterious to me as most men say women are.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with that. You know how many guys would give their eye
teeth to know how to talk to women? You could give lessons and make a fortune.
Or at least a big teeth collection. You could make a cannibal-king necklace.’
‘Marlene used to say I was so easy to talk to I was nearly as good as a girl,’
Allen said, blushing but smiling at himself. ‘That made me wonder, too!’
‘I don’t see how, given that you were sleeping with her.’
‘Well, not like that. Not as a routine. There was just the one night, before
she was taken away from me.’ Allen lowered his chin onto his folded arms,
getting into the self-comforting position he had assumed when he spoke about
her that first evening. Gaddes looked searchingly at him, trying to decide how
to ask without being intrusive.
‘You said she got taken away from you… and you said you lost your mother and
sister… it sounds like you’ve lost a lot of people who were important to you.’
‘I think loving me must be bad luck,’ Allen said, trying to laugh it off.
‘Do you ever want to talk about it?’
‘Not very much. That is… I want to talk, but when I do it hurts so much that I
hate it, and there’s nothing that makes it feel better. I only ever told
Marlene. Well, she did make me feel better, but then I lost her too and it was
worse than ever. I told Balgus a little bit about it, to explain why I was
where I was, but I tried not to say too much because I thought this was my
opportunity to finally become a real man, and I’d spoil it if I wittered on
about my feelings. It made me wonder how much of it really was a result of my
upbringing, because having a very different life and learning different ways
didn’t seem to make any difference to how I felt. I learned how to fit in among
men, but I always felt like a bit of an impostor.’
‘Everyone feels like that sometimes,’ Gaddes said. ‘I have days where I feel
like a twelve-year-old going round in disguise, wondering when someone’s going
to realise I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.’ He paused, considering. ‘Your
mother didn’t bring you up like a girl, did she? That’s not what you mean?’
‘Not at all. She always taught me how to be a gentleman. She said the world can
be very cruel to women, and they are largely dependent on the kindness and
honour of men for their protection and comfort.’ Something in his eyes
hardened. ‘And she knew what she was talking about. My father may have provided
for her materially, but the only comfort she ever had, the only love was from
me and Celena. She loved him and depended on him, and he never considered her
good enough for him, always roaming about looking for his heart’s desire. It
was so selfish. I hope I never treat a woman that way. I would want to treasure
and look after and protect her, so that she never had to worry about anything,
or face any trouble alone.’ He pushed his fingers through his hair, raking it
back from his face, and clasped his hands at the back of his neck.
‘I didn’t manage to look after my mother very well, or my sister. You see,
Celena disappeared when she was five years old. We think she was kidnapped but
we really don’t know; none of the searches found anything like evidence of an
abduction, or… or a body… It was as though she was just lifted off the face of
the earth, like a mouse carried away by a bird of prey. My mother was one of
the kindest, gentlest souls that ever lived, and she simply couldn’t bear the
cruelty of life any longer. I really did try, but it should have been her
husband who carried her then. Perhaps he could have saved her. Perhaps it never
would have happened if he had just been there looking after us as he should.
But her spirit was broken, and her health went into a decline, and she died not
long afterwards. I couldn’t help her.’
He turned to look at Gaddes; there were tears in his eyes, trembling on the
brink of being shed. ‘It’s all so cruel, Gaddes. So sad, and everyone is so
helpless, because they don’t try to help each other. My father’s selfishness
destroyed our family. I haven’t heard from him for years. For all I know he’s
dead too, and I’m an orphan. All I have of him is a journal of his that I found
among my mother’s little treasures after she died. He never loved her properly
and she still treasured something of his! I would throw it away except that it
was precious to her.’
‘Did you ever read it?’ Gaddes asked. ‘Maybe he explains why he did it. Maybe
there were things that forced him, that you didn’t know about. Or maybe at
least he felt sorry.’
‘I can’t read it,’ Allen said bitterly, ‘it’s written in some sort of code or
heathen language. My father was a man of much esoteric learning. Always off on
his expeditions and treasure hunts, looking for something he thought was worth
more than us.’
‘Oh,’ said Gaddes, and decided to stop playing devil’s advocate. ‘He must just
have been a dickhead, then.’
‘Gaddes!’ Allen made a sound that was like laughing, but a moment later had to
stop himself and press the back of his hand to his lips, blinking hard as he
tried not to cry.
‘You’re all right,’ Gaddes said, hitching himself closer over the flat rooftop
and putting an arm around Allen’s shoulders. ‘You don’t have to cry because of
him. If he didn’t appreciate you, stuff him. Right?’
‘You ought to be right, but… but he had so much power to hurt us, without even
thinking about it. I don’t think he even meant to be cruel. An honest enemy who
wants to harm you straightforwardly isn’t nearly as bad as someone who breaks
your heart without ever caring, or seeming to see that’s what they’ve done.’
Hesitantly, Allen leant his head against Gaddes’ shoulder, and after a moment
relaxed there. He sniffed; although he still seemed tearful he was not quite in
tears.
‘What I sometimes think…’ Gaddes said slowly. ‘What I think is that it’s very
dangerous to love someone. A lot of the time you can’t help it. I think you’re
still so cut up about this because you’re like your mother really. A gentle
person. You walk around with your heart open and you’re very easy to hurt. When
you love someone, you love them very much. I can hear that when you talk about
your princess. It’s dangerous for you, but anyone you love is very lucky, if
you ask me.’
‘Not any more,’ Allen said. ‘With everything that’s happened, I’m very clear
about that now. I’ll never fall in love again.’
‘That’s my philosophy,’ said Gaddes.
‘Really? Why?’
‘That would fall under the heading of talking about my tragic past, which I
told you I don’t do,’ Gaddes said, rather briskly and cheerfully.
‘You said you wouldn’t if I didn’t, but I did.’ Allen raised his head and
looked searchingly at Gaddes. ‘You can tell me anything.’
‘I know,’ said Gaddes. ‘It’s just not a story for right now. Are you feeling
any better?’
‘Perhaps a little,’ said Allen. He looked at his hands, twined together. ‘Can I
tell you about Marlene?’
‘I’ve been hoping you would. I keep wondering how you managed to seduce a
princess.’
‘I wouldn’t exactly say I did,’ said Allen, blushing. ‘People would expect
that, wouldn’t they? But it never worked quite that way. She sought me out in
the first place. At a ball, she sent me a note telling me to ask her to dance!
I couldn’t believe it.’
‘Of all the luck!’
‘Well, yes, but I also was astonished at her boldness. She was a very unusual
girl, and I’m sorry to say quite unhappy. She told me once she wanted to make
her life different but couldn’t see how to. She felt trapped by all the
obligations and expectations that surrounded her. There are so many things that
remind me of her, whispering, and crumpled paper, silk flowers and cigarette
smoke. She smoked secretly, with an elegant little tortoiseshell holder. She
said she was really a very good princess, she only had two little rebellions,
two little vices – smoking and seeing me. They had to be secret. It was because
they were secret that they gave her… some power, I suppose, something that was
only hers, because she was Marlene, not because she was the princess.
‘And of course we were both bad for her. I wanted so much to sweeten her life
and take away her worries but I was never in a position to do anything for her.
There were all the public meetings… balls, and the opera, more private
occasions like musical evenings and garden parties, when she was like a
beautiful doll that moved and spoke… and then the times when I came to her
secretly in the garden and she was truly, fully, alive, and herself, Marlene,
my Marlene, my night-blooming lily. There was such an air of desperation in
her, as though she felt she wasn’t going to live very long. She told me I
helped her just by seeing her, by knowing the real secret her. Every time I
kissed her, every time I called her my darling, my lily, my sweetheart, I was
giving her strength.
‘And so I just tried to do that as best I could. One day her engagement was
announced. That night she was in the strangest mood I’ve ever seen, full of
grief and rage, but held back by a sort of dead acceptance of her fate. For the
longest time she sat motionless while I tried to say something to comfort her,
and then she suddenly looked at the cigarette in the holder in her hand, how it
was almost all a long shaky line of ash, and began to laugh, and then to cry. I
put my arms around her and kissed her, and cursed her father for signing her
life away for an alliance, and her fiancé for taking her in such an exchange,
neither of them knowing or caring who Marlene was in her heart.
‘And when she kissed me, there was that desperation, that feeling of an ending
at hand too soon. It was…’ He paused, looking ashamed. ‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘It got you very excited?’
‘Both of us. I was frightened by how passionate I became. I thought surely I
would offend her and taint the memory of our love for her. I was trying to
apologise when she, um, she put her hand in my lap.’ He swallowed. ‘And – well,
touched me. Somewhere very private.’
‘You weren’t expecting it?’
‘I certainly wasn’t. She took my hand and put it to her breast, and kissed me
again and told me to do whatever I wanted to, and I was so stunned that for a
moment I couldn’t think of anything. Then all I could think was that this was
what she wanted, and if I could make her happy only once, even in such a wrong
way, it must somehow be right. And she touched me again and it became very
difficult to think of anything else. No-one had ever touched me like that and I
had certainly not been so close to anyone else. It took possession of me. That
and the desperation. So I tried to make love to her. I wasn’t even sure I was
doing it right.’ He flashed another self-deprecating little smile.
‘I wasn’t really very seductive. I kept having terrible trouble with things
like her garters, and she kept having to help me. The setting was really quite
romantic, with a starry sky overhead and roses and jasmine all around us
breathing out sweetness, but I kept fumbling around like an idiot and I was
sure I was spoiling it for her. The sofa in the gazebo was made out of some
sort of cane that made the most infernal squeaking every time we moved. I think
she knew a little more about it than I did, because she showed me a way of
touching her that she seemed to like. I was just trying to work out where I
would have to go in. Very mechanical, I’m afraid.
‘It was all very confusing, quite dark, and what I was touching was so warm and
wet that I thought she was bleeding somehow. I wasn’t at all sure how to
proceed, and I felt terribly foolish and was beginning to lose my nerve. She…
touched me, and held me, and guided me in. I remember the silence of her
holding her breath. At first I thought I was… in the wrong place, or something
was wrong, because the, er, the space felt so tight, and the way seemed to be
blocked, and she told me to push and I did and she cried out in pain and I
wanted to stop, I didn’t want to hurt her, but she told me again and buried her
face in my shoulder and I felt something give and I sank in and she bit me so
hard just here that I still have two little pale pink half circles in my skin.
It was terrifying and wonderful.
‘My body seemed to start moving by itself. I really hadn’t realised how… nice
it would feel. It was all over rather quickly, and when my head stopped
whirling I could feel her crying under me. She told me it was only because she
was happy. I kissed her, and begged her to forgive me, and she told me it was
perfectly all right. And a few minutes later she got dressed again – she was
really only half undressed, because we had been in such a hurry – and went in
to bed so no-one would miss her or think she was out too late. I sat there in
the gazebo feeling… feeling sweaty, and sticky, and almost sick. My skin was
smeared with her blood, and the cushion she had been lying on… I turned it over
and tidied myself up and left and walked around the city all night. I was
terribly frightened. I kept thinking that we would be found out, that someone
would find the bloodstain and know what caused it, or that someone would be
able to tell simply by looking at her, and there would be the most terrible
trouble. I felt so ashamed of myself.
‘And – and not long after that, she had to leave, to go to Freid as a bride. As
I said, it never happened again, after that one night. But a little while after
she left, I received word from the King that I was to be sent here, clearly in
disgrace, so he must have noticed or been told that we were closer than we
should be. I have no idea whether he knew the whole truth. But just before I
shipped out, the news came that she was with child… and a letter came to me, in
her hand, blurred with her tears, telling me that she was sure it was my child,
and her husband would know too. She wanted me to know the truth, because she
could never have anything to do with me again. She thought it would be better
for everyone that way, and I should try to forget her. And I still can’t help
her… and my love only hurt her. That’s why I mustn’t fall in love again, you
see. Not for my own comfort, but to keep from harming anyone else.’
‘You poor boy,’ said Gaddes. The pain Allen felt seemed to be transmitted to
him through the vibrations of his voice, through the tiny shivers of his frame.
‘My poor Allen…’ It was the first time he had used his name, and it somehow
felt closer than a kiss. It was frightening to feel such tenderness for a boy,
and he tried to tell himself it was only intense sympathy. ‘I know how you
feel.’
‘No you don’t,’ Allen said. ‘Because you’re cheerful by nature. You’re so
strong and sensible. I’m just stupid. I know all this and I still want to love
someone. That’s why I want so much to be your friend. It’s a safe love, a
harmless love. Isn’t it? Do you mind me calling it love?’
‘No… no. It doesn’t sound stupid to me.’
What’s stupid is me saying I’d never fall in love again, when I’m realising I
started to the first time I spoke to him.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Gaddes made absolutely sure the door was locked, for the third time, and
returned to sit at the small cluttered table under the window. There wasn't
exactly a quartermaster of the fort, but there was an office for one which had
ended up as a sort of box-room. There was still notepaper on the shelf under
the table, and he had found a pencil. He cleared a space on the table, smoothed
out a sheet of paper in front of him, decided the pencil wasn't sharp enough
and spent a little while coaxing it to a fine point with his pocket-knife. The
shavings fell on the paper in front of him and when he brushed them off the
shaved lead smeared all over it, so he screwed up that sheet and took a new
one.
He licked the point of the pencil to make it darker, pricked his tongue because
he had made it so sharp, and considered giving up. Having reached the lowest
and most pathetic possible point, he pulled himself together, drew his chair up
closer to the table and started to write.
Dear Boss,
He stared at that for a moment, then crossed it out. All right, he'd waste
another page doing a draft, at least until he'd decided how to start the damn'
thing.
Dear Allen,
No, that looks wrong too. I've only called him that once and it wouldn't be
natural. I hate my handwriting.
Dear Sir,
That's worst of all! He scribbled over it and snapped the tip off the pencil
lead.
Okay. Let us just assume that if I write his name on theenvelope, he'll
understand it's for him without me having to worry about the inside. Stop
faffing about with the preliminaries and write your message, kid. And check
your spelling later. No making excuses to go off and look for a dictionary, you
know perfectly well there isn't one for miles.
I'm writing you a letter because I want to tell you the truth but I can't make
myself say it to your face. I don't want to see how you look when you find out.
The first thing I want you to know is that while I lied to you, I warned you I
was lying, except you seemed to think that meant I was telling the truth. Well,
I sort of was, you just didn't see through it.
You might not remember what I'm talking about but it is something we talked
about your first night here, about why I'm here. What I was accused of was true
but not true. I mean, the guy who reported me was telling the truth about half
and lying about the other half. I never did have anything to do with Corporal
Esper who I didn't even know that well, but I have been what you called
'inappropriately intimate with another man.' A lot, to be honest. And I think I
should explain because I feel bad being dishonest with someone like you and you
told me everything after all, so here I go with My Tragic Past and please don't
make up your mind until you've read all of it. I mean I think I know what
you're going to think but then I didn't when you thought that so maybe I should
give you a chance, even though hoping for that is nearly worse than thinking I
know.
I'll try to settle down a little and start making sense.
Probably the first thing to explain is that the one who dobbed me in was my
lover, for want of a better word for what he was to me. That was how he knew, I
mean. But to explain the whole situation I have to go further back and put down
a foundation.
I've tried sometimes to work out when I first knew I was like this, and
sometimes I think I always knew, and sometimes I think it only really got clear
around the time all the other boys my age got interested in girls and I didn't,
I got more interested in them. At first I thought I just wasn't interested in
girls yet and I would start growing up a bit later - but I was certainly
growing up, and soon it made itself obvious to me. I went through this very bad
spell of being in love with my best friend Danyon which at first was just
confusing and then very scary because I found out asking roundabout questions
that people thought this was EVIL and then I thought I was going to hell. Even
when I was really scared of it I never stopped feeling that way, being crazy
about him and wanting to get closer to him and having dreams about him, and all
the time it was chuntering in my head 'going to hell, going to hell, going to
hell' and I had no-one I could tell.
And one night I had one of those funny moments where things change over and
you're not the same afterwards, even though nothing really happened. I was
lying in bed halfway crying and feeling bad because I'd been playing with
myself thinking about when I'd gone swimming with Danyon in the afternoon
(excuse me, you might not want to hear stuff like that, but then you told me a
lot of detail about Marlene so if you could just consider this the same I'd be
grateful) and suddenly I just thought But who am I hurting? Wrong is when
you're hurting someone and I'm not doing anything to anyone. I know Danyon
likes girls and I'm not going to upset him telling him how I feel. It's not
like I'm molesting little boys or rubbing up against guys in crowded streets or
staring at their privates in public toilets. (I didn't even know at that stage
what goes on in public loos and maybe you don't either, so never mind - just
don't go into the Gents in the Rose and Crown in Pallas on a Saturday night,
you'd find yourself with a lot of unwanted popularity.) I'm not a pervert, I
thought, I'm just in love.
After that I got sort of defiant about it, and I don't feel as strong about it
any more but I still do think that it's actually not wrong to feel the way I do
as long as you still try to be a decent person. I wasn't ever planning on
telling anyone and I thought I'd probably have to go my whole life being a bit
unhappy that way but I felt so much better than when I thought I was evil that
it seemed a small price to pay. Also, being in love with Danyon wore off after
a bit, because he got more boring as he got older. That helped.
So I had that changeover when I was just thirteen. I got to keep going to
school up until I was fourteen but then my father did his back in and I had to
start work to bring some money home. At first I worked in a butcher's cleaning
up, which was pretty foul, but then his nephew needed a job so he was going to
let me go, and I saw this recruiting poster for the army and figured, well, I'm
not scared of blood and guts by now, and the starting wage is more than I was
getting anyway, so I lied about my age which was easy because I was always tall
and I got in.
Now I don't know if you know about this because you didn't come into the army
from the bottom up, but if you're lucky when you're new someone who's been in a
bit longer than you will make friends and show you the ropes, and in return
you'll do them some favours. They might push you around a bit and play some
tricks but it's nothing nasty, and they protect you from anyone else who might
feel like picking on the new kid. That's usual.
The first person I met who seemed anything like friendly was this guy Nichol,
but friendly is not the word. I felt like he knew me before he met me. He saw
me and he KNEW, it was like he could see me naked. I'd never been recognised
like that before and it scared me and grabbed me at the same time. He didn't
care and he was like me and the way I saw it he was going to make everything
perfect. I fell in love with him very fast without really thinking about it. He
took on this thing of being my older mate in public, and in private he was
getting me to do him a LOT of favours. I remember very sharp and clear the
first time he kissed me was when we'd both been sent to get potatoes from the
cellar for the cook. Romantic, right? No. You had roses and jasmine, I had
potatoes. This must be what they mean about the class system, ha ha.
The situation was a bit special because our regiment didn't have a proper
barracks at the time, for some reason I never found out exactly we'd been
billeted in an old empty country house as a temporary measure about five years
ago and it had become permanent. It was kind of a joke and people were a bit
proud of it. Some rooms were made over as bunkrooms but there were more of us
than there was space for bunks so a lot of people who weren't even officers had
rooms of their own. They were kind of a prize, and Nichol had one (of course -
he was a genius at getting himself a piece of whatever action was going, by
hook or by crook). It wasn't much of a room, it was like a big closet that
opened off the landing between the second and third floors. It had two beds in
it, and we pushed them together at night and
Well I'm not going to pretend I wasn't having a lot of fun to be honest. Even
after I started to figure it out about Nichol. I like a ride as much as anyone
else. It's not like I was innocent and he was using me, but I didn't exactly
understand him at first and after a bit I began to see him more clearly.
I started to think he wasn't a very nice person. The first thing, and in a lot
of ways it was the worst, was he slept with other men all the time and he
didn't care that I knew and he didn't care that I minded. He'd laugh and ask if
I wanted to make it a threesome, or maybe he could fix me up with someone, and
I'd tell him to piss off and go and sulk, I mean, apart from that I didn't want
anyone except him and I didn't want him to want anyone except ME, the kind of
guys he went with were backstreet trash who would do it standing up in an
alley. He gave me crabs at least four times and I just thank God it wasn't
anything worse. I was fifteen. I think he was twenty-seven then.
Anyway it didn't make me feel good to know I loved him a lot more than he loved
me, but then I had to start realising that it wasn't just that he wasn't very
nice, he was a real bastard. He liked to find out what someone loved, what
really made them happy, and ruin it for them. The example I always think of was
our drummer boy, who had this pet rat. Yes, that sounds dumb, but he had a pet
rat and he really loved it and saved food for it and it rode round in his
pocket. Quite a lot of the guys had some kind of pet, because it was easy to
keep them living where we did, but usually dogs.
Nichol caught this rat when it wasn't in the kid's pocket and he fed it to a
guy's dog, this little terrier that was a really keen ratter. It wasn't the
dog's fault, Nichol practically put the rat in its mouth. And he called the kid
to come and see and laughed at him. I didn't understand what was happening
until too late and the dog was tearing up the dead rat and the kid was
screaming. (I'm calling him the kid but he was just a bit younger than me.) I
was really mad at Nichol and told him so, but whenever you got mad with Nichol
he would either laugh at you or knock you down. He had a lot of power over me
one way and another.
And anyway everything came to a head late one night when two other guys, who
were about Nichol's level of bastard (but not queer) banged on our door and
said come and see what we've got.
I'm just looking at that sentence again and I really didn't like putting Queer
in it. I don't know any words for what I am that people don't use as curses. I
don't want to call myself queer or bent or a fairy or an ass-bandit. And when I
look at it again it looks like I'm saying being a bastard and being queer go
together. No. I just meant they had being bastards in common but not the other
thing. No, look, I'll just get on with the story.
They took us out to this barn kind of building out behind the house. They had
caught a catgirl in the woods and tied her up there and they were going to have
a gang bang. I don't think they knew about Nichol and me (we did keep it a
secret although it was kind of an open secret with the town fags he went with)
because they were inviting him to join in, and I was just kind of there because
I was always where he was.
I got very upset but I didn't know what to do. I didn't think Nichol was going
to join in anyway. I thought maybe we'd go away and he'd let me tip off the CO
anonymously or something so they'd get busted. (I know YOU would have kicked
all their asses without thinking twice about it, but I didn't have your skills
or your balls.)
And they were standing round her - she was tied so she had to kneel on the
floor, looking up at them - and laughing at her and talking a lot of shit which
I don't know if she understood, I don't think she spoke our language because
she would say things sometimes that sounded like they meant 'please let me go'
or 'don't hurt me' but I didn't recognise the words. She was really scared,
obviously, and she only looked about my age or something, and I was feeling
sick about it all. I didn't want to see someone get raped because I knew what
it was like.
I mean, I don't know if you can say it counts after you've said yes to them
once, but I felt like Nichol had raped me more than once. Anyway, he definitely
didn't think I got to say no any more. Mostly he didn't ask. Sometimes it was
things like I'd wake up with a hell of a fright to find he was inside me
pumping away and hadn't even woken me up first, and he'd say what are you
complaining about, it just means I want you too much to wait sometimes. Which I
tried to believe. Other times he would decide he wanted to do it and he would
just keep going for it no matter how many times I said no or pushed him off or
tried to distract him or actually tried to leave the room, and eventually I
would cave in because I knew I couldn't make him change his mind - so
technically I had said yes but he still knew I didn't want to. I know I said I
enjoyed it but there were times when I was tired or not feeling well in myself.
He could be quite rough with me and he didn't really give me time to recover
from times when we had overdone it. I really was stupid to put up with it but
as I said I loved him and I thought he was worth it.
And there were times when I stood up to him about something and he knocked me
down and f***ed me to make his point. I remember lying on the floor crying
after the rat incident and he pulled out and gave me a big wet kiss on the back
of my neck and said 'See, we never really fight, do we, we always make up so
fast.' Sometimes I wondered if he really meant that and thought it was a normal
thing to do. He didn't talk much about his past life either but I had the
impression it had been quite hard and maybe he had learned by example or
something. Not that that would be any excuse. I never want to treat anyone the
way he treated me. You've got the right idea, make someone happy, take away
their problems, don't be one of them.
Well, on this night I was getting ready to say something, if Nichol wouldn't.
And I'll say again that I really didn't think he was going to be part of doing
anything to this girl, I still believed in him that much - or anyway I didn't
think he'd be interested. And suddenly Nichol is dropping his pants and (excuse
me, this is another thing I can't imagine saying to your face, the little stars
instead of writing out a whole word up above was because I lost my nerve)
holding his cock in her face as though she was going to have to suck it. I went
into a panic. Then, and I really hate writing this down, because this was what
made me see once and for all what a complete dirty bastard he was and what a
complete stupid fool I was to have let him anywhere near me, he pissed in her
face. It was just disgusting. It was nothing to do with f***ing, it was just
how he liked to mess people up. He pulled up his pants and stepped back
laughing, and I got up from where I was sitting and told him what I thought of
him.
He went for me and for the first time I actually took a swing at him. Before I
had been too scared to or thought I was in the wrong and just wanted to make
him pleased with me again. And that goes to show how stupid I was too because
if I would just have fought back I could have stopped him any time. He had a
glass jaw and I knew it, I'd knocked him out by accident once with my knee.
This time I just punched him squarely and he dropped straight away, and I stood
there staring at my fist like it surprised me, and the other two guys attacked
me, which kept me very busy for a while, but I managed to knock one out (kind
of by accident, I basically put him off balance and he hit his head falling
against the wall) and then I could fight the other one properly and sent him
running. (I was younger than him but bigger than him. I've always looked older
than I am.) So then I knelt down and untied this poor girl, who was going
crazy. I don't think she understood what the fight was about, she thought I was
fighting for first crack at her, and she scratched me and bit me pretty well
before running away like a streak of lightning, and good luck to her.
I was sitting there sucking a big scratch down my wrist when Nichol lifted up
his head and looked at me. I froze. He picked himself up without saying
anything, just gently feeling his face where I'd punched him, and then he said
'I'll pay you back for that,' and I thought 'Is that all?' and he walked out.
I went and slept in the stables, because of course I couldn't go back to our
room. In the morning at parade I got called out and hauled to the CO's office
and he told me what I was supposed to have done. That is, the Corporal Esper
story. I don't know what Nichol had against him and maybe he just picked on him
because he was so homely he thought it would be a funny insult to make out I'd
been with him.
Well, I couldn't tell the truth, could I? I would just be busted for doing it
with someone different, and Nichol would have found a way to weasel out of it.
I thought I still had a hope because like I told you there was no way anything
could be proved and that of course was the way it turned out. He wasn't trying
to get me put in jail, just to mess things up for me and shame me. That was
more fun to his way of thinking.
But also he knew I wouldn't tell on him because even after that I still loved
him. I loved him knowing he was a bastard, and I still sometimes thought about
how I could possibly get back with him. I wrote him a letter about it once
which thank God he didn't answer. I bet he laughed at it. I did stop loving him
eventually but it took months. THIS is why I always said I'd never fall in love
again. I had it right the first time, when I thought I was going to be alone
but safe all my life. What saved me of course was that they sent me here well
away from Nichol and I started thinking clearly. Of course it was a complete
laugh putting me up to sergeant. I was a private before. It was just because it
was for here. (The last sergeant died. The only way people get out of here is
dying or going permanently AWOL. You know that.) I never actually did a
sergeant's job before you came and showed me what it was.
Okay, that's the first part of the truth I wanted to tell you, and I've been
writing for ages. My wrist hurts. I haven't written this much at once since I
was at school. I've had to sharpen the pencil twice. I'll stop complaining and
tell you the next part.
But this is far harder to tell you because it's about you, and the only fair
way to tell you is after telling you all of that, which I don't kid myself
makes me look good. You might have worked out what it is anyway as I'm afraid
I've been a bit obvious about it.
Here he paused, the pencil describing squiggles for a line while he worked up
his nerve.
I love you. I'm in love with you.
It doesn’t feel real to put it down like that of course. I love you. See, there
it goes again. I've never felt like this about anyone, because I never fell in
love with my head as well as my heart, it never was that I didn’t have to fool
myself about anything for it to feel right. You are the first truly totally
good man I've ever met. You think I'm as good as you are which is bollocks but
you think it because you are so wonderful. You've walked in and changed the
world I live in, besides which you are so gorgeous I have to remind myself
every two minutes not to stare at you. I didn't know there WERE people like
you. I can see you with my eyes closed, like when you look at the sun by
accident and shut your eyes and there's still a bright spot in the dark.
Of course I do realise this is hopeless. It's safe to love you and hopeless to
love you for the same reason, you're so perfect. That's all right really. I am
looking at this letter and by now I know of course I will never give it to you.
What would you say? What could you say? You're in love with someone else. Even
if you get over her (I hope you do because I hate for you to be so miserable
about it) there is no reason for you to fall in love with me. Apart from you
being out of my league I know I've never fallen in love with a girl even though
I've known ones I really liked so I don't think people switch back and forth
like that. All I would really hope for is that you would not hate me or despise
me because of something I don't think I can help. Remember, even when I thought
it was evil it didn't go away at all.
It really will make me happy just being your friend, being a good sergeant to
you and backing you up and helping you do what's important to you. Sometimes
it'll drive me a bit crazy, like when you get upset and need comforting and I
get to touch you but not quite the way I want to, but I know how special this
is because you couldn't fall apart like that with anyone else. You told me your
secrets and I wish I could show you the same trust but I don't want to ruin
everything. Well, what do wishes get anyone. I wish tonight in the sunset you'd
let me hold your hand and kiss you (we don't need chamber music and I don't
know what that sounds like anyway). I wish I could find you your sister, or
kick your father's ass for you. I wish when that one strand of hair falls down
between your eyes it was all right for me to stroke it away. Actually you're
lucky we're never going to be lovers because I'd drive you mad playing with
your hair all the time.
I'll write it one more time and finish up. It feels better to have written all
this down, even if nothing's going to change. At least I'm not confused about
it any more, because at first I wasn't sure it was love I was feeling -  maybe
I was just sorry for you, or hot for you, or something. But that's what it's
been all along, I just didn't recognise it because this is the way love's
supposed to feel. It's the way you would feel love, maybe. I've had another
changeover, and I think I'm better for it.
I love you, Allen Schezar, more than anyone in the world, and you can count on
me no matter what.
Yours truly,
Samivel Gaddes
After reading the letter over again, and looking at the last page a long time,
he carefully folded the pages together and tucked them inside his shirt, behind
his breastplate and over his heart.
 
'What's the book, Boss?'
Allen was reading by the dying light of the sun, but he looked up smiling when
he heard Gaddes' voice.
'Philosophy,' he said. 'I'm seeing if it helps resign me to my fate.'
'Are you up to the meaning of life yet, or isn't that till the last page?'
'This writer isn't concerned with the meaning of life so much as he is with
blaming every human woe on women. It seems to be a popular theme. Women are to
blame for being curious, women are to blame for being talkative, women are to
blame for being attractive. Personally I think the world could use more
thoughtful, articulate, pretty women. I certainly don't see how they do men any
harm. What keeps striking me is this horror of - well, relations between men
and women.' Allen flipped back a few pages in his book. 'Listen to this. "The
lust for woman enflameth man and maketh him as naught. All worthwhile endeavour
lieth forgotten as he seeketh the favour of a harlot."'
'I didn't know there was so much lisping in philosophy,' Gaddes said. 'Had all
the philosophers lost their front teeth? Probably from being punched out by
women who'd had enough of being called harlots.'
'Well I should hope not, I'm certainly not in favour of that type of woman,'
Allen said. 'They shouldn't have to taint themselves with violence. It's one of
the risks that we assume for them, so that they can remain so wonderfully
innocent and gentle, our peaceful haven from the chaos of the world. What is at
fault is surely not the women themselves but the men's response to women. It's
cowardly to lay blame for your own lust at the feet of its object. If men do
terrible things because of desire for women they should take responsibility for
it; anything else is unmanly.'
'Some men do good things to impress women, of course,' said Gaddes. 'When
they're in love, I mean.'
'Well, yes, but you've got to make a distinction between love and lust.' Allen
frowned at the page. 'It is true, though, that a terrible amount of unhappiness
is caused by how men feel about women. I know that all too well myself. I do
take moral responsibility for my lustful stupidity, but I can't do anything to
make practical amends without going against the lady's wishes.'
'You're doing the best you can,' Gaddes said. He wasn't sure how to proceed; he
felt rather out of his depth, and it made him uncomfortable to realise that he
was not sure he agreed with Allen.
'Of course, many of these thinkers present an argument that I do find more
satisfactory, that true fellowship and comfort comes in friendships between
men,' Allen said. 'A friendship like yours and mine is safe because it can
never be ruined by lust.'
'What, you mean because you couldn't get me pregnant?'
'Gaddes!' Allen actually looked offended, although he'd thought his tone made
it clear the remark wasn't remotely serious.
'I'm sorry, Boss, I was joking.'
'A joke is when you say something funny.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Show a little respect for poor Marlene instead of making off-colour references
to her situation.'
'Boss, I said I'm sorry!'
'It's not me you've insulted.' Allen turned to look stonily down at his book
again.
'But she's not here to apologise to, and you're the one who's angry.' Gaddes
nudged him with his elbow. 'Come on, Boss. I wasn't trying to be sleazy.'
'It's just a bit of a sore point with me,' Allen said.
'Of course it is. It's understandable. I mean, you loved her. I shouldn't've
said it, obviously.' And I thought you were offended because of - well, I
shouldn't've meant that, either. I've got to stop thinking things like that
about him. It's not a good habit to get into.
'What do you think about this, Gaddes?' Allen said abruptly, tracing his finger
down the page to a line further on. '"And so is paederastice much to be
preferred before gynerastice, that is the love which enflameth men with lust
toward womankind." Rather takes it to the opposite extreme, don't you think?'
'I, um, don't know. What's paederastice mean?'
'Making love with boys instead of with women.'
Gaddes' mouth dropped open for a moment. It was a feeling not unakin to that
produced by being struck on the back of the head. 'What,' he said after a
moment, 'little boys? Because pardon me, but that's bloody sick.' And how
doyouknow about things like that? Fancy words for it, even! I can't even find a
better word than queer.
'At least I suppose that's what it means,' Allen said, frowning at the page,
'because the connotation of "children" is there linguistically, isn't it, but
from context it appears the author's thinking of adolescent boys and young men.
Isn't that a funny idea?'
'I… don't think it's right.'
'Oh dear,' said Allen, looking stricken. 'I'm so sorry. I should have thought.
That's a sore point for you.How can I reproach you when I go blithely saying
such offensive things?'
'It isn't offensive at all, what I meant is I don't think it's right as in
correct because it's all built on that idea that wanting women is bad. That's
shonky right at the bottom, so you can't really believe what's at the top when
you think about it. If you had an argument for peeder-whatsis that didn't
involve slamming women that'd be different. Like if you could show how it was
good in itself instead of just saying well it's better than the alternative.'
'I'm not arguing for it,' Allen said rather hastily, 'I was only calling it to
your attention because I thought it was interesting as an example of taking an
idea to its logical extreme. I never said I agreed with it at all.'
'Right, of course, you wouldn't.'
'No, I like women. And respect them, I mean.'
'Maybe I'm not the best person to have these intellectual conversations with,'
Gaddes said. He felt embarrassed, not only because of how his own train of
thought had been running, but because he knew he was not keeping up with Allen
mentally. If he couldn't see the difference between holding an opinion and just
discussing it, he wasn't going to get anywhere in a philosophical discussion,
as far as he could see. He couldn't think of anything to say about an idea
unless he actually approved or disapproved of it. And somehow he was managing
to give Allen the idea that he did disapprove of boys together, and he couldn't
correct that impression without worrying that he sounded too much in favour of
it.
'But if not you, who else?' Allen said, a little dejectedly. 'You're my only
friend here. And I thought we could talk about anything.'
'I just don't think it'd be all that satisfying for you. I can't say anything
clever about it. I haven't had the education you've had.'
'Any education I've got, I picked up in a hand to mouth fashion over the last
couple of years. My formal education stopped before I was twelve years old, and
that was only the reading, writing and arithmetic my mother taught me at home.
I'm not an intellectual, Gaddes, I'm still trying to improve my mind. I'm
ignorant about an embarrassing number of things.'
'Oh,' said Gaddes, suddenly feeling vaguely proud of having been to a real
school, even if it was only a rather underfunded establishment with pretensions
to gentility at the good end of the lower-middle-class suburb of Pallas he'd
grown up in. 'It's not like I'm over-educated, but I did go to school up to
fourteen.'
'You probably know things I don't.'
'I've forgotten nearly all the maths,' Gaddes said sheepishly. 'And we
definitely never read any books like that. Most of it was memorising stuff no-
one would ever want to know, like the exports of Zaibach and kings by numbers.'
'I have a number,' Allen said. 'I'm Allen Crusade Schezar the Eighth. It makes
me feel very strange sometimes to know there are seven dead men with exactly
the same name as me. When I was six I saw the tombstone of Allen Crusade
Schezar the Seventh, in the wall of the church at Celena's baptism, and thought
it was mine and had hysterics. I still remember my father shaking me by the
shoulders and nearly shouting in my ear, "There are only two I's! You have
three! Look at it, boy! Good Lord, Encia, why doesn't this child know his
numerals yet?" That's one of the few very clear memories I have of him.'
'Not very sympathetic,' Gaddes said.
'I know,' Allen said. 'I wasn't even looking at the VII. I didn't know those
numerals at all. I couldn't think why he was saying I had three eyes, and it
upset me even more. I wanted to know where the third one was.' He tapped his
forehead between his eyes.
'I can prove you've got three ears, though,' Gaddes said, anxious to lighten
the mood a little. 'The left ear, the right ear and,' he made a sweeping
gesture to take in the border-zone swamps, 'the wild front ear.'
'Oh, for Heaven's sake,' said Allen, and hit him lightly with the spine of the
book, trying not to laugh. 'That's the worst joke I've ever heard.'
'Yes. I should be punished.' Gaddes grinned at him.
'That's appalling,' Allen declared, and gave him a shove. Gaddes shoved back,
laughing, and it developed into a rather half-assed wrestling match. He ended
up in a headlock with Allen knuckling his head.
'Do you yield, sir?'
'Ow! Yes!' He felt breathless with laughter, and with a delight that he hoped
didn't show. He's hugging me, he's holding me, he's touching me because
hewantsto. It feels much too good. All right, it's only playful, but I'm
allowed to enjoy it.
'Pathetic,' said Allen affectionately. 'Routed by someone two years younger
than you.'
'Well, I didn't have the advantage of being trained by the mighty Balgus.'
'As if he taught me to give people noogies?' Allen laughed and relaxed his
grip, although he did not let go of Gaddes. Instead he settled into a sitting
position half-behind him, hugging him loosely around his shoulders and resting
his chin on the left one. 'Thank you, by the way,' he said. 'You cheered me up
with your horrible joke just as I was getting dangerously close to sinking into
despondency again. Thinking about my father tends to do that to me.'
'Oh, well, that's all right… if I can ever help you out you know I will.'
Gaddes was not sure why he could feel himself blushing. This moment felt very
fragile, something composed of nothing more solid than sunset clouds. Even
while he rejoiced in it he was fearful of doing or saying something to ruin it
before its time. Surely he's not going to stay holding me like this? Having
Allen behind him meant he couldn't exactly return the hug; he felt rather
stuck, sitting there cross-legged and gazing down at Allen's gloved hands
clasped over his chest.
'You don't mind me doing this, do you?' Allen asked quietly. 'I don't mean to
cling.'
'I don't mind it at all,' Gaddes said, flustered. 'It's nice.'
Stoprightthere,he told himself.
'Good,' said Allen, with a contented little sigh, and settled his head on
Gaddes' shoulder.
His hair always smells so sweet and clean. He makes me feel rough and grubby
every time, although I've been trying to keep myself smarter than I used to. I
would look stupid if I tried to carry off his kind of style, though. Some
people are made for it and some just aren't. He was made to be beautiful.
The sun was sinking lower, and banners of rose and violet cloud, gilded at the
edges, were streaming away from it. Talk about romantic. Watching a sunset
together… which we do all the time, I know, but it'll always mean something
more now. I'm sure he doesn't think of it that way… I can never figure out how
he does think of this. I guess it's true that he never did have a lot of
contact with other guys growing up, and he doesn’t know how it usually is
between friends. I've never known anyone this affectionate. It's only when
we're alone, of course. He keeps up that smooth front all the rest of the time.
I'm the only one he can relax with like this.
That's not necessarily because it'sme, is it. If not me, who else. It would be
unbecoming to an officer to be too close with any of the rank. Class system
again. He's just lucky he got a sergeant hecouldbe friends with, or he'd have
nothing at all. My poor Allen…
'Gaddes?' Allen said, breaking the comfortable, tender silence between them.
'Hmm?'
'I just remembered what I meant to discuss with you tonight. We really ought to
start night raids and regular patrols, now we've consolidated our position in
the daylight hours. It will involve a change of schedule, so some men sleep
during the day, but I think it will make a great difference in reducing
lawlessness and unrest. At the moment the bandits still think they're
relatively safe under cover of darkness.'
'Oh. Right.' And here I was hoping you'd say… I don't know, something a bit
mushy I could treasure. 'What do you want me to do?'
'Well, I thought you could assist me in drawing up the plans, and working out
exactly how we'd do it. You're always very good at practical things like that.
I tend to see the big picture, while you manage details well and fill in the
gaps. A person like me always needs a person like you to be complete.'
Oh… you just did, after all.
***** Chapter 5 *****
The first night patrol was a thoroughly unpleasant experience. They were
supposed to set out at two o'clock, but Gaddes slept through the alarm clock
and was only woken by Allen trying to pull him out of bed covers and all.
'Whoa!' he exclaimed, grabbing hold of the wall. 'Don't do that, you could send
me flying!'
'Why in the world do you sleep in a hammock?' Allen asked. He was fully dressed
and looked as fresh as if it were a normal morning.
'The bed had woodworm,' Gaddes explained. 'It collapsed. So I put up a hammock.
It's comfortable.' Technically he should really be sleeping in the barracks
with the men, but there was a small room next to the commander's quarters which
had been meant for the use of guests such as visiting officers, and he had
claimed it for himself long ago because he liked a bit of privacy. People slept
where they wanted to; it was one thing Allen hadn't changed, because he said he
really did not see that it affected discipline. Reeden slept in the cockpit of
an old melef because he found the padded seat and headrest cosy.
Of course, there was privacy and privacy. It was a whole different story now
Allen was living next door. He had never worried about the old boss hearing
anything from his room, because he was usually too drunk to hear if you shouted
in his ear. Now he lay awake and registered the sound of every creak in the
board floor, every time Allen shifted in his bed next door. It was amazing what
you could hear through the partition wall; sometimes he would catch a sigh, the
scratch of a match being lit, the rustling turn of a page, or sounds that
suggested quiet tears. He wished at those times that he had the nerve to go
next door and kiss the tears away.
It wasn't until silence had descended that he felt able to sleep as well, or to
do anything to release the tension and desire this distant intimacy provoked in
him. The thought that Allen might overhear him masturbating was quite a horror.
He was as silent as he could be, and tried to reassure himself that his
breathing and heartbeat were only so loud in his own ears, but the worry was
still there, and paradoxically it added an edge to the pleasure. This is for
you, Allen, he would often think as he reached the peak, this is for you. He
wanted to reach out and touch Allen's sleeping mind, make love to him in his
dreams.
Allen had never come into his room before, although Gaddes had been into his to
make plans or receive orders. He always had his work cut out not to stare at
the bed. There was certainly plenty of room for two in it. You couldn't say
that about a hammock.
'Come on, get up, I need you to help me get the men going,' Allen said
impatiently, and tried to pull away the blanket.
'Don't!' Gaddes grabbed at the edge of it and tugged it back up.
'Why not? Just get out and get dressed.'
'I haven't got anything on,' Gaddes admitted.
'Where are your nightclothes?' Allen asked, looking confused.
'I don’t own any. Look, could you turn round while I get out? I'd just feel
better that way.' If I know you're looking at me when I'm naked. God knows what
effect it'll have on me. Well, Iknowwhat effect it'll have, and you'll be able
to see it plain as day.
'I didn't think you'd be so shy,' Allen said in a puzzled tone, but he turned
his back obligingly and waited while Gaddes hurriedly put his clothes on.
Together they went to get the patrol underway.
The men were still not entirely comfortable moving through the swamp in broad
daylight, and having to do it in darkness meant that they were not only
extremely nervous, but trying to suppress their nerves and consequently jumpy
and ill-tempered. Allen told Gaddes confidentially that he was hoping nothing
would happen this first night, just to allay their fears a little.
Unfortunately, quite without trying to, the party led by Baile stumbled upon a
group of men in a clearing, counting over the proceeds of a raid on a river
merchant-boat. Signal whistles were blown, reinforcements came running, but
things rapidly became confused, especially when a kerosene lantern was smashed
and a few people's clothes caught fire and had to be beaten out, and two of the
men improved the opportunity to take to their heels carrying most of the money.
'You men hold the others! Gaddes, with me!' Allen cried, and took off after
them.
'Boss!' Gaddes called after him, although he was not sure whether he meant it
as a protest or just an exclamation of dismay, and anyway he was already
running. He could see Allen flying just ahead of him, moving with an incredible
nimbleness amid listing hunchback treetrunks and waist-high bracken. He seemed
to have very good night vision; Gaddes' eyes were still dazzled from the fire
in the clearing. He did not think he could keep up; he was only making headway
by sheer force of momentum, because he kept tripping on roots and stones and
stamping heavily into puddles and small watercourses, so he covered ground in a
series of connected stumbles rather than the sprint he was attempting. Huge-
feeling insects kept flying into his face; he had already been pretty heavily
bitten by mosquitoes as they walked through the swamp. He swatted aside a great
feathery-feeling moth, something large and white flashed at him in the
darkness, he half-dodged, half-lurched away from it in a panic and ran right
through a very large and whippy bush to fall headlong into a pool.
When the crashing and splashing were over he found himself sitting, scratched
and bruised, in waist-deep, freezing cold stagnant water, amid a chorus of
offended frog noises, with a damp and indignant half-grown owlet sitting on his
chest and clicking its beak reprovingly at him. He must have dislodged it from
some kind of nest in the bush. He could hear the two runaways crashing away
into the murk, and Allen's lighter step which had faltered at the sound of his
fall - and the cry he'd let out unintentionally.
'Gaddes?' came his voice from amid the trees ahead. 'Are you all right?'
'I've fallen in a hole,' Gaddes replied, fully aware of how foolish it sounded.
He made an effort to get up and found his right arm and foot were in the grip
of thick sucking mire. 'I'm stuck in the mud. Can you come and help me out?'
The footsteps came back towards him. The sound of the two escaping bandits was
receding into the distance; they were well away. Allen appeared, ducking under
a curtain of beard lichen and looking concerned, as far as Gaddes could make
out in the fitful moonlight that made its way through the canopy.
'How on earth did you manage this?' he asked, as he took a good grip on a tree
branch and leaned out over the water with the other hand.
'Something flew in my face,' Gaddes said, holding up his free hand for Allen to
take. A querulous 'who?' from above made them both look up; a large grey-white
owl was perched up there, rattling its beak and shaking its head at them
furiously.
'Oh,' said Gaddes. 'I guess that was it.' He looked down at the owlet ruefully.
'I suppose that's your mum or dad.'
'Ah,' said Allen, with an undercurrent of laughter in his voice, 'you've found
a little friend.'
'We don’t like each other,' said Gaddes. 'Do we?' he asked the owl. It shook
its head and snapped at him.
Allen chuckled. 'Can you get your other hand free? You'll need to hold that
little fellow when you stand up if he's not to fall in the water.'
'Oh, for crying out loud…' Gaddes grumbled. 'Hold my hand then, I've got to
have something to pull against.'
'Right.' Allen grabbed his dripping hand and held it firmly. With a
considerable effort, Gaddes freed his hand, losing his glove and making his leg
sink in further in the process. He nearly lost the owlet too, but managed to
catch it as it somersaulted off his chest towards the scummy water. It bit his
thumb.
'Fuck!'
'Hey, language,' said Allen, who seemed to mean it. He let go of Gaddes' hand
so he could juggle the owlet and make it release its pincer grip.
'Sorry, but when you get bitten by a bloody ungrateful owl up to your neck in a
swamp "oh, bother" doesn't really cover it.'
'It should work the same if you say it in the same tone. Come on. Just hold the
owl and give me your other hand.' With a loud, rather flatulent noise, Gaddes'
leg and the mud parted company, and he heaved himself back onto dryish land.
Half his body was coated in ill-smelling ooze.
'And now I suppose I've got to put you back in your nest,' he said ungraciously
to the owlet, 'and probably get pecked and clawed by your mum in the process.'
'You can't do that,' said Allen, 'the mother won't take it back now that you've
handled it.'
'Why the hell not? What sort of mother is she?'
'I'm sorry, but that's what all the books say. It's got the smell of man all
over it and she won't trust it now.'
'Even the owls are paranoid around here. What am I supposed to do with it,
then?'
'You'll just have to bring it home and try to look after it. You can't leave it
out here to starve to death.'
Gaddes had been looking at the malevolent little bundle of soggy feathers in
his hands, but he took a look at Allen's face as he said that. Of course, that
was Allen all over. He wouldn't just leave this to Mother Nature, who
admittedly tended to be a bit of a bitch where such things were concerned. And
there was no way Gaddes could let him down by suggesting any such thing.
'A-all right,' he said. 'I - I - I'll - atchoo!' The sneeze blasted the owlet
in the face, stunning it into blinking silence.
'Bless you,' said Allen. 'We'd better get you home quickly too, and out of
those wet clothes. The nights are getting colder, aren't they? Let's find the
others.'
'Okay - atchOO!'
'And we'd better hurry before you and your owl catch your deaths of cold.'
'It's not my bloody owl,' Gaddes mumbled, but he was feeling too bedraggled to
kick up a fuss.
He felt a little better once he was wrapped in a blanket, wearing an old
dressing gown dug up from somewhere, in front of the fire in the large
downstairs mess room. Allen kept pothering about finding a box to make a little
nest for the owlet, lining it with an old towel, mincing up a piece of meat to
feed it with. He offered this last to Gaddes, on a plate with a teaspoon.
'What do you want me to do with that?' Gaddes asked, wiping his nose on the
blanket.
'Well, you've got to feed him, poor little thing,' said Allen. The owlet was
looking much sturdier and more comfortable now its feathers had dried out in
front of the blaze, and Gaddes looked at it in its box rather resentfully. He
felt like more of a poor little thing at the moment. He wished Allen would put
him to bed that tenderly. And hop in beside him to keep him warm. He sneezed
again. Of course, no-one wants to kiss anyone with this much of a runny nose.
'I don't see why it's got to be me,' he grumbled, getting a bit of mince into
the spoon and offering it to the owlet. It looked at the meat as though it was
an insult.
'It just makes sense,' said Allen. 'You have to take the place of its mother.
It'll accept you quite soon if you're kind to it. No-one else has handled it,
after all. It would probably be too frightening for it to encounter a lot of
people.' They were the only ones still sitting up, as the others had gladly
gone to their beds, lairs or other sleeping arrangements once the bandits they
had apprehended were safely under lock and key. It was still the dead of night
and the fort was very quiet.
'Come on, then,' Gaddes said to the owlet, pushing the spoon at its face. 'Tch-
tch-tch. Nice food. What? I suppose you don’t want it if it's not still
wriggling? Do baby owls even eat meat?'
'Of course they do,' said Allen. 'They're dear little predators. Yes you are,'
he added, to the bird.
'Explains why it's such a vicious little bugger,' Gaddes muttered.
'Maybe it can't see how to take the food from the spoon,' Allen suggested. 'You
might try offering it the meat with your fingers.'
'Urgh,' said Gaddes, picking up a small amount of cold slithery mince. 'I hope
you can see the difference between your dinner and my fingers,' he told the
owlet. 'I'm not putting up with any more biting out of you.' It took the meat
from his hand rather delicately, gulped it down with lightning speed and opened
its beak for more.
'Now you're getting somewhere,' said Allen, sounding delighted. 'You'll have to
think of a name for it, too.'
'A name?' Gaddes looked at the owlet blankly. The only ones he could think of
were offensive. Evil-Minded Little Stinker was probably not the sort of name
Allen had in mind, however fitting it seemed. 'I'll call it Natalie,' he said.
'My cousin's called Natalie. She wears big glasses. It reminds me of her.'
'I'm not sure it looks like a Natalie,' Allen said, sitting back and peering at
the newly-named Natalie with his chin in his hand. 'It's rather a masculine-
looking owl.'
'How can you tell?' Gaddes said. 'What are you going to do, part its feathers
and look for a little dick? I don't even know if birds have got them.'
'Well, if we're going to keep one I suppose we should find out how to tell what
sex it is,' said Allen. 'You might end up being a grandmother, if it's a girl.
This could be quite educational.'
'I do know where babies come from, Boss.' Whoops. Was that tactless? Even if
I'm never a grandmother, you'll be a father before too long.
However, Allen seemed so taken up with Natalie, who had polished off the meat
and was looking sated and sleepy, sinking her head into a collar of puffed-up
feathers, that he didn't really seem to notice.
'You'll have to take her to sleep in your room, of course,' he said, 'and I
expect we'll have to feed her little meals pretty often. She'll be rather a lot
of work until she learns to hunt for - I say, do you suppose she will learn to
hunt for herself? We might have to teach her.'
'How am I going to teach an owl to catch mice? I don’t think I could teach a
cat, and at least they don’t fly.' He sneezed again, gloomily, and shivered.
'Well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.' Allen smiled at him.
'You'd better go back to bed, my poor friend, you look done in. Go ahead and
sleep late this morning if you like. It'll take everyone a while to get into
the new routine.'
'All right. Thanks, Boss. Come on, Natalie. And if you wake me up crapping on
my pillow or anything you'll be learning to fly ahead of time, my girl.' He
gathered up the box and tottered off to bed.
 
He woke up with the feeling that he had slept very late indeed, although the
light in the room looked quite like early morning. He was also surprised at how
weak he felt; he'd thought he might have caught a bit of a cold last night, but
really, he felt shattered. It wasn't so much the symptoms of a cold as a
feeling of exhaustion, at odds with the long sleep he had had.
Abruptly it came home to him that he was not in his own room, or his own
hammock. He was lying alone in Allen's bed, warmly covered and with his head
supported by thick soft pillows.
What the hell? Did I get confused last night and go to bed in the wrong room?
I'm sure I remember putting the bloody owl down on the floor and getting into
the hammock, though. I was feeling pretty sick. Maybe I walked in my sleep?
Where's Allen? How'm I going to explain this to him? He tried to sit up and was
surprised again at how hard it was. His head felt swimmy and his neck seemed
unwilling to support it. And he was wearing a nightrobe, too. He didn't own a
nightrobe. It looked like the sort of thing Allen would own, fine white cotton
with a pale blue border. I sleepwalked in here, put on his clothes and got into
bed? What's going on? I should be able to remember. Any recollections he had of
the time after he fell asleep in the hammock, shivering under both blankets and
the dressing gown, were hazy and oddly uncomfortable, with an impression of a
headache and sweltering heat. He put his hand to his face. This was all wrong.
He had quite a beard, as though several days had passed, but he had shaved just
the other morning.
While he was trying to make sense of it the door opened and Allen came in,
balancing a tray and with Natalie sitting on his shoulder. When he saw Gaddes
sitting up his face lit up with a smile, and he hurried over to the bedside.
'How are you feeling?' he asked softly. 'I thought you might feel up to a bit
of breakfast, since your fever broke last night.' There was a plate of bacon,
toast and eggs on the tray, and a glass of milk. 'A good nourishing meal to
build you up,' Allen said encouragingly.
'Fever?' Gaddes repeated.
'Can't you remember? You've been very sick, you poor old thing. The day after
our little adventure, when you still hadn't gotten up at lunchtime I went to
check on you. As I came up to the door I heard a great thump from inside. You
were delirious, and you'd rolled yourself right out of the hammock. You nearly
squashed this little one,' he said, shrugging the shoulder the owl rode upon.
It swayed slightly, to keep its footing, and nibbled at his ear reprovingly.
'My God, that thing's grown,' Gaddes said, staring at it.
'Well, it's been over a week, and they grow fast at this age. I'm learning
about owls,' Allen said, looking pleased with himself. 'I managed to buy a
second-hand book on birds. Oh, I'm afraid I did find out that he's not a girl.
I've been calling him Natal. I thought that worked quite well as a boy's name.
I didn’t think it would be right to change his name altogether. I've just been 
minding him for you.'
'I've been sick for a week?'
'I don’t know whether it came from a mosquito bite, or if it was a reaction to
something in the swamp - you were certainly scratched all over, and some of
those plants are quite toxic I'm told - but yes, you've been in a dreadful
state, unconscious or semi-conscious most of the time. It was all we could do
to keep you alive, and none of the medicines we had seemed to do you any good.'
'And you put me in your bed?'
'Well, of course. I wanted to make you comfortable. I was terribly worried
about you.'
'But where did you sleep?' If you were in the same bed as me and I was too out
of it to appreciate it, I'll kill myself.
'On the bench there,' Allen said, indicating a long wooden settle with folded
blankets and a pillow at one end of it. 'It's quite good enough for the likes
of me. And that way I could keep an eye on you.' He put down the tray on the
bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Gaddes' hand in his
and giving it a friendly little squeeze. 'It's really quite lucky for you that
I've had too much of a feminine influence in my life. The others don't really
understand about taking care of a sick person, about bathing you and not
leaving you alone too long and seeing that you keep drinking water - they
wouldn't think of it unless you asked for it, and of course you couldn't, you
were too ill. So I played nurse.'
'Bathing me?'
'It seemed like a good way to bring down your fever a bit, and of course you
were getting terribly sweaty which I thought must be making it more unpleasant
for you,' Allen said. 'Also, I needed to make sure all those cuts and scratches
were clean. So I'm afraid I did see you without your clothes on, but not to
worry, I didn't see anything I thought you should be ashamed of and I covered
you right up afterwards.'
'Oh. Thank you. I mean, thank you for everything. It sounds like I might've
died if you hadn't been there.' Gaddes could feel a red-hot blush rising in his
face; perhaps the beard was a good thing if it made it less visible. He had
never felt so grateful to anyone, or so embarrassed.
'Well, I certainly wasn't curing you,' Allen said. 'When the farmers came up to
deliver some vegetables, Mrs Quin noticed I was looking a bit dishevelled - I'd
been up all night because you'd taken a very bad spell, convulsing and shouting
as though you were having awful nightmares, and I hadn't had time to wash or
change my clothes - and asked me if anything was wrong, and I told her about
you. She came up here, gave you a once-over and told me I didn't have the good
sense God gave a pig for not calling someone to have a look at you sooner. I
protested that I hadn't thought there were any doctors in the area - there
isn't even one in Lamor, only a barber-surgeon who had already come and done no
good - and she said very scornfully that that wasn't what she meant at all. She
went away and came back with a little old woman who looked as though she was
carrying half the swamp on her back, and she made up some sort of strong-
smelling brew and made you drink it, then told me to keep you well covered up
and you would be on the mend by morning. I couldn't believe it but it's come
true. Do you really not remember any of that?'
'Nothing at all,' Gaddes said. 'I wish I could remember. It seems ungrateful.'
'Don't be silly,' Allen said, smiling. 'I'm rather glad if you can't. It must
have been a beastly experience. All I care about is that you're going to get
well. I felt terrible when I thought you might die, all because I'd dragged you
out on a fool's errand. Thank heaven for little old wise women! I'm not at all
impressed with the barber-surgeon. Cupping and bleeding didn't do you a
particle of good.'
'Oh,' said Gaddes, looking inside the front of the nightrobe. 'That would
explain these things like really enormous hickeys on my chest. I thought I felt
sore.'
'I'm sorry about that. It probably made things worse.'
'It's not your fault the barber's an idiot,' Gaddes said. 'We just won't give
him any more business, eh?' He rubbed the bristles on his face with a rueful
grin.
'Speaking of which, I would have tried to give you a shave,' said Allen, 'but I
was afraid of cutting you by mistake. Sometimes you twitched about quite
unexpectedly. At the worst times I had to hold you down.'
He was holding me down in bed and I didn't know anything about it. God is
mocking me. Gaddes found himself squeezing Allen's hand and smiling at him
rather foolishly. 'I really don’t know how to thank you,' he said.
'Don't bother,' Allen said. 'I felt responsible for the whole business, and in
any case I was glad to look after you. You're my friend. I know you would do
the same for me.'
'Of course I would.' And I really hope I wouldn't take advantage of your
weakness to enjoy myself a little. I don'tthinkI would, I would just feel
awfully tempted.
'I want you to stay in bed today,' Allen said, 'because you seem badly run
down. Tomorrow you can see if you feel like getting up for a little while, but
right now you are to stay here and be waited upon hand and foot. I insist. And
eat your breakfast before it gets cold and horrible.' He helped Gaddes to sit
up against the pillows and put the tray across his knees.
'This is ridiculous,' Gaddes muttered, finding that he couldn’t hold the knife
and fork steady. His hands were shaky.
'Well, don't worry about it,' Allen said, taking them from his hands. 'I fed
you before, when you were awake enough to take anything, and I can feed you
now.' He set about cutting up the egg and making a sort of fork kebab with
bacon and a square of toast.
'I suppose you've had a lot of practice feeding Natalie - sorry, Natal,' Gaddes
said, nodding at the young owl. It glared back at him as if he had been
thoroughly impertinent.
'That's right, although I'm sure you want to get back to it,' Allen said,
holding out the forkful of food. 'Open?' Feeling like an overgrown baby, Gaddes
took the mouthful.
'Actually,' said Allen, with a sudden boyish enthusiasm, 'look at our little
trick.' He cut off a small piece of bacon and put it in his mouth, sticking out
between his lips, then turned his head towards Natal, who nibbled it away very
politely and gulped it down.
'Well, mother birds feed their young from their mouths,' Allen explained,
smiling sheepishly, 'so I thought I'd try that as being more natural for him. I
suppose it's rather strange, but I've enjoyed looking after him - he was less
of a worry than you, of course. Oh, and look at what he's learned to do!' He
sprang up from the bed and reached his hand to his shoulder. Natal shuffled
onto it, and Allen extended his arm so he was holding the bird away from him.
Standing a few paces from the bed, he flicked his hand upward, launching Natal
into the air. Rather ungracefully, the young owl flapped his way to the end of
the bed and perched on the knob at the top of the bedpost. He almost fell off
backwards in doing so, but it would have been uncharitable to comment.
'Isn't he clever?' Allen asked, beaming proudly.
Gaddes took a long look at the two of them and folded his arms. 'You're his
mum,' he said.
'I am not,' said Allen. 'He's your bird.'
'That's not true,' said Gaddes, breaking into a grin. 'You're smitten with him.
You are so his mum.'
'Oh, but that's not fair,' Allen protested, picking up Natal and restoring him
to his shoulder perch almost unconsciously as he spoke. Natal, who was clearly
used to riding there, settled down and nibbled at his ear affectionately. 'I
shouldn't take him away from you.'
'I didn't want him in the first place,' Gaddes said. 'You're welcome to him. If
you actually enjoy looking after him, I can't think of anything I'd rather give
you. Consider him a thank-you present for looking after me.'
'Really?' said Allen, glancing eagerly at the owl. 'Thank you!'
'No, no, don’t you thank me, we've got to get square!'
'We don't need to worry about that,' Allen said happily, sitting down again.
'Now let's get this breakfast into you.'
'How'd you teach him to ride on your shoulder?'
'He just seems to like doing it.'
'Makes you look like the exact opposite of a pirate.'
'Well,' said Allen, laughing, 'aren't I? Open.'
After finishing breakfast, Gaddes felt fairly exhausted and Allen insisted that
he have another nap. He woke him at lunchtime, spoon-feeding him a bowl of soup
because although his hands trembled appreciably less, he was still in no shape
to feed himself.
'It'll be a while before I can get rid of this without cutting my throat,' he
said, fingering his beard.
'Oh, I'll help you with that,' said Allen, and had hurried away to get a basin
of hot water before Gaddes could protest. He refused to listen to any
objections, insisting that this was all part of the service. Because he was
unsure he could do a proper job from the front, he settled on sitting directly
behind Gaddes and making him lean back against his body, so he could shave him
from a more natural angle. Natal settled once more on the bedpost, and tucking
his head under his wing in a way that made him look as if he had been
bloodlessly decapitated, went to sleep.
'You still look quite flushed,' Allen said as he applied lather. 'Are you sure
you don't feel feverish any more?'
'Not feverish at all,' Gaddes said, quite untruthfully; he knew, though, that
the heat he was feeling was nothing to do with any bodily illness. Telling
himself that there was absolutely no way out of the situation, he resolved to
close his eyes, lie back and enjoy it, although he did take the precaution of
drawing up his knees, making a large tent of the covers against the possibility
of a smaller tent rising. Allen was humming quietly as he worked; the bed was
warm and soft, the shaving soap had a pleasant fresh smell, the razor was sharp
and clean and didn't drag or rasp at all, and all in all he felt very well
pampered. He was acutely conscious of the strong slender form of Allen's torso
behind him, of the living warmth of his legs on either side, of the gentle
sleeping bulge between those legs, positioned just against the small of his own
back. God, if only he'd get hard. It could happen. I wouldn't even have to say
anything, I could just lie here and feel it pressing against me and pretend I
was tactfully ignoring it. The only rising hardness was on his own part. He was
going to be pretty uncomfortable until that went down by itself; there was no
way he could let himself go in Allen's bed. Still, it was a very sweet, warm
ache. In a way he could enjoy that too.
'There you are,' said Allen, patting his face with a towel, 'all smooth and
clean again.' Gaddes heard him set the razor down on the bedside table; he
didn’t move, mainly because he was so comfortable where he was. He opened his
eyes after a moment and looked up at Allen's face, hovering over him with a
gentle, upside-down smile on the lips. His corn-blond hair was hanging down as
he bent his head over his friend, and he pushed one side of it back behind his
ear. His hand was moving to the other side when it was forestalled by Gaddes'.
Almost holding his breath, he gently tucked the silky hair behind Allen's ear,
drawing his fingers back slowly past his soft downy earlobe and along the angle
of his jaw. He was not sure why he did it, except perhaps because he could. It
seemed to change the very air in the room, charging it with some new sharply
ionised atmosphere. Equally slowly and gently, Allen's fingertips traced the
side of Gaddes' face, exploring the smooth texture, and awakening the acute
sensitivity, of the freshly-shaven skin. He had taken off his white gloves for
this; it was the first time he had touched Gaddes with his bare hands.
Looking up into Allen's eyes, Gaddes felt as though he was gazing into the
vault of the purest, brightest summer sky. His own eyes, faded grey-blue like
old denim, could be nothing like as beautiful, but love must be shining out of
them as brightly as the sun.
Kiss me, he thought. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me kiss me kiss me. I need it to be
you that does it. I can't start something like that. To his astonishment and
joy, he thought he felt a slight stirring against the small of his back, just a
hint of arousal. The sky clouded over; Allen blinked in confusion and suddenly
the air was ordinary, the room was dull and absolutely nothing was going to
happen.
'You do look feverish,' Allen said. 'I'll get you a drink of water and a cold
cloth for your forehead.' Not ungently, but very firmly, he lifted Gaddes'
shoulders so he could get out from behind him and off the bed, slipping away
and out the door.
'Th-thank you.' Gaddes sank back against the pillows, still warm and pressed
down by Allen's body. All he could be glad of was that he hadn't said or done
anything to really humiliate himself. He had at least been a gentleman; hadn't
tried to force himself on Allen. He seemed perfectly willing to believe that if
Gaddes had looked or acted a little oddly it was only the fever in him. That
was something. That might be everything; to put it another way, that might be
all. His fingers had not trembled at all as he touched Allen's face, but now
his hands were shaking so hard he had to grip the edge of the bedspread to keep
them still. To his astonishment, he was more powerfully aroused by that one
gentle stroke against his bare cheek than he had ever been by the most
inventive and extreme embraces Nichol had introduced him to. Nichol! He hardly
even seemed real now; he was a fading yellowed ghost where once his body and
face had filled the world. Now Allen's face was the sun on the horizon; the sky
was only blue as it reflected his eyes, the sunlight only golden because it
imitated his hair, peaches and rosepetals were shamelessly plagiarising from
his cheeks and lips.
'Oh, God…' he moaned, twisting his hands in the sheets to keep them from
straying to touch the persistently pulsing heat in his groin. Natal, on the
bedpost, woke up, shook his head and regarded Gaddes sarcastically.
'It's all right for you,' Gaddes muttered, 'you get to eat out of his mouth.'
Natal cocked his head to one side quizzically.
'Who?' he enquired.
'Allen, you idiot bird. Gorgeous, perfect Allen Schezar. Don’t tell him I'm in
love with him, will you. Hah, good thing you're not a parrot.'
'Who,' replied Natal imperturbably, and started to preen his feathers. In
desperation, Gaddes reached down and gave himself a sharp little pinch in a
sensitive spot. It did the trick in terms of killing the erection, but it hurt
so much that he had to turn over and bite the pillow for a moment, tears
springing in his eyes. Oh, andthisis a familiar feeling. I didn't think I'd be
tasting feathers again; not all by myself, anyway. He heard Allen's tread in
the corridor beyond the door and quickly wiped his face on his sleeve.
'This should help,' Allen said, entering with a glass of water and a cold
compress. 'Now, I want you to keep resting. I hope I don't have to call that
old lady back and admit I haven't been taking proper care of you.' He gave the
glass to Gaddes, and when he had taken a few sips took it back and set it on
the table. 'Lie down, Gaddes.' He laid the damp cloth on his forehead and
smoothed it down; it felt soothingly cold. For a moment he held Gaddes' face
between his hands, looking at him with worry in his eyes. 'Your eyes look a
little too bright. Just rest, and I hope you feel better soon. Come here,
Natal, don't bother your uncle when he's not feeling well.' Taking the owl with
him, he left the room.
After some time, Gaddes succeeded in falling asleep again. Apart from his
troubled mind, it would have been easy because he really did feel tired. He
woke in the early evening with the dried-out cloth sandwiched between his cheek
and the pillow, and with the realisation that all his earlier good resolutions
about not masturbating had been fairly pointless as he had had a rather lavish
wet dream in the meantime. Frustratingly, he couldn't remember the exact
details, only a vivid sense-memory of the texture and scent of Allen's hair. He
also needed quite desperately to go to the toilet. That meant going downstairs
to the long-drop.
Carefully, he pushed back the covers and swung his legs out of bed, sitting up
slowly to make sure he was not going to topple over. Actually, he decided, he
felt a lot steadier by now. Perhaps all he really needed for recovery now was
natural sleep. Fortunately, the nightrobe wasn't visibly stained; the mess was
on the inside and on his own skin. It didn't matter if he met anyone. With one
hand against the wall, to be on the safe side, he made his way to the door and
out into the corridor. The stairs gave him some trouble; he had to hold the
banister fairly tightly. No-one seemed to be around; they must all be busy
somewhere else. He wasn't sure whether he wanted them to be getting on fine
without him or falling apart in his absence. He would have to pull himself
together now.
***** Chapter 6 *****
The remainder of his recovery was quick and unremarkable. Allen continued to be
kind and attentive, but there was never another charged moment like the one
Gaddes thought they had both felt before. After a while he began to think he
had probably imagined Allen's apparent response to his desire. It was just
because he wanted so badly for there to be a response. What he had seen in
Allen's eyes had only been kindness, a brotherly sort of tenderness. The touch
on his face needn't have the same meaning as his touching Allen, and as for the
stirring between Allen's thighs that had probably been pure fantasy. Nothing
had changed between them; nothing ever came of it.
Nothing and no-one, he thought. Except, of course, that he found himself using
the scenario again and again, with variations as imagination permitted, in the
fantasies of his nights and idle moments, and certainly enough of those led to
him coming. He was afraid he was taking this to excess, but even when he
stopped his hands he could not stop his thoughts. When he was actually talking
to Allen, in his presence, he was fairly well under control. He sometimes
realised he was staring at Allen's lips while he talked, or watching the way he
moved with a little too much admiration, and had to pull up sharply, but
overall he behaved himself, and his lapses were not of a kind to be observed by
anyone else. It was when he was by himself that it got out of hand.
After that first day he had gone back to sleeping in his own room, and after
washing the nightrobe himself he had given it back and returned to sleeping in
nothing but his own skin. He was more comfortable that way. Knowing exactly
what Allen wore to bed added a new level of detail to the fantasies; he knew
just what you would have to do to undress him, how the robe would fall open
over his chest first, as you unfastened the little button, then falling away
entirely at a tug on the soft belt at the waist. He knew how it felt to lie in
Allen's bed, the texture and weight of the quilt and sheets, the sag in the
middle of the feather tick mattress so that two people would roll to nestle
together, the way the slat base squeaked when you moved. It was wonderful and
terrible what a vivid picture he could conjure for himself.
It was all he had as the weeks rolled on. He felt increasingly hypocritical in
his friendship with Allen. He never told him anything untrue about his
feelings, but nor did he tell him the most important and central truth. Winter
was coming on, and the men were often confined to the fort by heavy,
bonechilling rainfall. Since the bandits were not stupid enough to go out in it
either, the only serious consequence of this was that mild cases of cabin fever
developed. Sometimes it took the form of short tempers and simmering
grievances; sometimes it broke out in weird behaviour, punchiness born of
boredom. The men played tricks on each other, or made and took dares, or just
behaved like lunatics until they felt better. Their commander always humoured
them as long as their behaviour did not become seriously disruptive.
Allen caught a cold and went around pale, sniffling and obviously suffering but
refusing to lie down or be treated as an invalid, which made Gaddes feel
guilty. He felt guiltier still about the fact that he was half hoping Allen
would get sick enough to need to be looked after by him, but he recovered
within a few days, which was both a relief and a disappointment. Natal became
proficient at flying and started to catch small prey without the need for any
instruction. The river burst its banks and changed its course in various
places; the swamp people took this in stride, as it happened almost every year.
On one of the few clear days of a very soggy late autumn, a patrol from the
fort successfully interrupted a robbery attempt upon an elderly merchant
travelling to Fanelia by wagon, since the weather conditions made flying
impractical. Shaken but unhurt, he was persuaded to come and stay at the fort
for a couple of days, partly so the gang that attacked him could be thoroughly
rounded up and he could identify them for the magistrate, but also because he
was a welcome diversion. It was a bit of a mystery what sort of business he
thought he would do in Fanelia. People out there did not normally have the
disposable income to buy jewellery or picture-books or hand-painted gold-rimmed
china. The men thoroughly enjoyed picking through his stock, and he gave out
many small presents in gratitude for their help.
Allen did not take a great interest in anything except the books, which were
not of very high quality - that was, until he found the decorated plate.
'What is this?' he asked, holding it up with an odd look on his face, as though
he knew the answer but was hoping it would be something different.
'It's a plate,' said Reeden, who was trying on a lady's hat on top of his usual
bandanna. 'You eat things off it,' he added helpfully. He was in a stupid mood
today (cabin fever again) and kept talking in put-on accents, which he seemed
to find highly amusing. Gaddes was getting sorely tempted to box his ears, but
in the present circumstances that was only likely to heighten tensions within
the fort. Getting through winter with this bunch was often a challenge. In the
past he had resorted to spending a lot of time every day in his room, doing
nothing. Now there was still nothing to do but he couldn't go there to do it.
'That, my good sir, is a very lovely piece, just imported from Freid, a
commemorative plate commissioned from the finest artists on the occasion of the
birth of the Duke's heir. Quite a collector's item, sure to appreciate in
value,' the merchant said, in plummy tones. His accent was one of the ones
Reeden had been imitating.
'It's - it's already happened?' Allen said. 'No, of course it has. I - my
goodness. You said heir - it's a boy?'
'A prince,' the merchant corrected him. 'I have not had the good fortune to see
him myself but I understand he's a very bonny little fellow, very like his
mother. Sir can of course see this in the artist's impression of the ducal
family - the flaxen hair and cornflower-blue eyes. Beautifully captured on the
finest porcelain. One always sees the best work of this kind in Freid, doesn't
one, sir? I see sir is a connoisseur. For this exceptionally fine piece, I
could not consider accepting less than thirty gold.'
'All right,' said Allen, without taking his eyes off the painted figures of the
Duke, Duchess and Prince.
'Sir is a hard bargainer - ' said the merchant, and then his brain caught up
with his mouth. 'You what?' he said, losing his accent entirely.
'Thirty, right?' said Allen. 'I'll just fetch it for you.' He went up to his
room, still carrying the plate in his hands. He came back without it, but with
a small bag from which he counted over thirty gold coins into the disbelieving
merchant's hand. Then he vanished upstairs again. After arguing with himself
for some time, Gaddes followed him and tapped on the closed bedroom door.
'What is it?' Allen's voice came from within. There was a tremor in his voice
that Gaddes recognised.
'It's just me, Boss. Can I come in?'
'If you want to.'
Gaddes hesitated a moment, then opened the door and went in. Closing it behind
him, he saw Allen was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, his head
bowed and his face concealed by a curtain of his hair. It was just past his
shoulders now and he had recently taken to binding it in a loose ponytail, but
he had unfastened it at the moment.
'Are you all right?' Gaddes asked. 'I can guess what that thing must mean to
you.' He edged a little closer to the bed and looked where Allen was looking.
The plate lay on the bedspread, in two pieces; about a third, the part that had
borne the likeness of the Duke of Freid, had been broken off and lay to one
side, so the remainder bore only a portrait of the Duchess Marlene, dressed in
dove-grey and lavender, holding her infant son in her arms and smiling sweetly.
'She's beautiful, Boss,' Gaddes said quietly. 'And your son is too.'
'He's not my son,' said Allen, his voice thick with tears. 'He's not and never
will be, any more than she'll ever be my wife. He's the Prince of Freid and
he'll grow up to be Duke. He'll never even know me, and it's better that way.
Better he should never have a rotten father like me. I could only ruin things
for him.' He had been sitting very still, but at this a sob escaped him and he
hunched over, covering his face with his hands. Natal, perched in his favourite
place on the bedpost, shook his wings and tutted with his beak.
'Don't say that,' Gaddes said, sitting down by Allen's side and putting an arm
round him, rubbing his shoulder. 'Don't be so hard on yourself. I hate seeing
you unhappy like this.'
'I'm t-trouble to everyone I've ever cared about!' Allen wept. 'My father hated
me and I let my sister get lost and I let my mother die and-'
'Shut up!' said Gaddes, giving him a gentle shake. 'You're talking crap because
you're upset. I can't say anything about your father, because frankly I think
the less said about him the better, but what happened to your mum and your
sister was not your fault, and so far from you being trouble to anyone you care
about, you've made my life ten times better just since you got here, if that
means anything to you. Of course you made a big mistake with the Princess, and
of course you feel rotten about it, but don't go making it into a reason why
there's nothing good about you. You're only sixteen!'
'Almost seventeen.'
'Whatever. The point is, you're still a kid. You don't know everything and you
can't take care of everything and if you expect to you'll just be miserable.
You're going to have a long life and do great things and I'm going to help you.
Don't you dare go thinking your life is over already, or spoiled because of one
screw-up. You said as much to me yourself your first night here, so don't go
making that a lie. You saying that was what made me start believing in you! If
I can believe in it so can you.'
Allen tried to say something in reply to this, but it got lost in his tears. In
the end he could only hide his face in Gaddes' shoulder and cry as if his heart
was breaking. Gaddes put both arms around him and held him tightly, one hand
mindlessly stroking round in a circle on his back. He pressed his cheek against
Allen's soft hair and tried to think of something, anything soothing to say.
'Don't cry… don't cry, it'll be all right.' Is that the best I can come up
with? 'We'll be all right as long as we're together, right? You took care of me
and I'll take care of you.'
'Do you promise that?' Allen asked, sounding muffled. 'You'll always be my
friend, no matter what?'
'Of course I do.'
'There's nothing that could make you stop caring for me?'
'I can't think of a single thing.'
'All I want to do is be worthy of that. I've let down everyone else, especially
myself. I don't ever want to let you down.'
'You never could, Allen, you never could.'
Allen sat up a little, pulling away enough to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. He
sniffed and managed a bit of a smile. 'I don't think I could go on without you,
you know. I don't have any brothers but you must be as dear to me as a brother
could ever be.'
'Thank you.' Brotherly love, too much and not enough. He took Allen's face
between his hands and stroked away a couple of errant tears with his thumbs,
smiling gently. 'You're going to be all right, aren't you?'
'Yes. Yes. You won't ever tell anyone about this, will you?'
'I've never told anyone a thing you said to me in private. I never will. You
can always count on me.'
Allen raised a hand to cover one of Gaddes', holding it to his face. 'I'm
really a very weak person, I suppose,' he murmured after a moment. 'I thought I
had put this behind me. I didn't realise how it would all surge up again.'
'It's just because you loved her. Love doesn't go away all at once.'
'I like the way I love you much better,' said Allen. Before Gaddes could think
of anything to say to that he had dropped his hand, and was smoothing his hair
back away from his face, fastening it with the toggle looped around his wrist.
He hastily took his own hands away from Allen's face.
'I'd better start behaving like an adult now,' Allen said. 'We're going into
Lamor today, after all. It only needs a few people to take the prisoners in to
the magistrate, but I thought it would be a nice break for all the men, to get
out and see some faces other than the ones they see every day. A few have
volunteered to stay behind as sentries, and I don't really anticipate any
trouble.'
'Well, except what our guys might cause in Lamor,' Gaddes said, grinning.
'But you and I will be keeping an eye on them.'
'Unless we want to misbehave too.'
'As if we would,' said Allen, sounding amused.
'You need to relax a bit, though. At least have a drink and try to forget about
stuff for a while. Just to please me.'
In the evening, as they sat at a back table in the Lamor pub, he wondered if
that was really the way to drown Allen's sorrows. He didn't really have the
mentality for getting drunk and happy; he sat quietly with a glass of wine and
drank moderately. Gaddes didn't want to get pie-eyed if he wasn't going to as
well. It would be embarrassing. He couldn’t think of much to talk about, not in
a place like this where they might be overheard. It wasn't quite private or
public. He kept finishing his own drinks too fast, although he was trying to
space them out with distractions like throwing peanuts at Natal. The owl was
quite good at snapping them out of the air.
'You shouldn't give him those,' said Allen, 'he'll only regurgitate them
later.'
'Won't we all,' said Gaddes, looking at the bowl the peanuts were in. Someone
had earlier mistaken it for an ashtray, and possibly also a spittoon. 'Do you
want another glass? You've nearly finished that, and I'll be going to the bar
in a sec anyway.'
'Thank you,' said Allen, more as though he were being polite than really
enjoying his drink.
'See you in a minute, then,' said Gaddes, and made his way to the bar. The pub
was quite full, what with the men out of the fort and a number of people from
outlying farmsteads who had come in for the market next day. There were also a
surprising number of out-of-towners; word was spreading that the swamps were
safer for travellers these days. He had to wait a while to place his order.
People jostled behind and around him as he tried to get the bartender's
attention.
'Glass of claret and a - can you hear me? Glass of claret and a pint of
bitter.' The bartender quickly drew the pint and went off to see about the
wine. Gaddes picked up the glass and sucked a little of the foam off the top so
he would be less likely to spill it on the way back to the table.
Someone slapped him on the behind, giving him a hell of a surprise. He almost
bit the rim off the glass.
'Hello, Sammy.' The hand lingered on his rear and gave him a little squeeze
before dropping away. Only one person would do something like that; only one
person would get away with it.
I willnotjump round. Especially not with foam on the end of my nose. 'Nichol?'
'I wondered if I'd see you round here. When I knew I was coming I thought,
isn't that where Sammy ended up?'
'Thanks to you.'
'You going to turn around, or do I have to keep talking to the back of your
head?'
Gaddes wiped his nose and upper lip on his sleeve and turned slowly. He kept
his eyes low, because he did not want to have to look Nichol in the eye
straight away. He focused on a point at about collarbone level. It surprised
him to find that Nichol was no longer taller than him, although he should have
known it.
'You're looking good,' Nichol said. 'You grew up handsome.' There was a grin in
his voice.
'You got fat,' said Gaddes. It was a nasty thing to say, but he'd always heard
the best defence was a good offence, and he was feeling defensive. Besides, he
was interested to see that it was partly true. Nichol was not really fat but he
was distinctly heavier around the middle, bulging above the belt, and he looked
as if he was making an effort to hold in his gut. He let his gaze move up and
found that in many ways Nichol seemed to have gone to seed. There was a
puffiness about his face that there hadn't been when he had first known him,
his wavy hairline had receded a little, and his sharp brown eyes looked weary -
also annoyed.
'And you're still a rude little shit,' he said. 'I'd forgotten how often I had
to smack some manners into you.'
'Sorry,' said Gaddes coolly, 'it was the first thing I noticed. What are you
doing here? We would know if troops were in the area. Are you AWOL?'
'I'm not in the army any more,' said Nichol. 'If you must know, I got a
dishonourable discharge.' The returning bartender put down a wineglass, and
Gaddes paid him, trying to seem calm and unhurried.
'I always said you'd catch something like that if you weren't careful. Still,
the doctors can do a lot these days,' he said to Nichol, picked up the glasses
and walked away before his old lover had time to answer back. His heart was
humming at panic speed and he felt as though Nichol's eyes were burning a hot
spot in the centre of his back. He wished he could become invisible. At least
the crowds here tonight would make him harder to follow. He ducked behind a
large man telling a story with expansive arm movements and made a circuitous
route back to the table where Allen was waiting.
'Are you all right?' Allen asked as he sat down. 'You look rather hot under the
collar.'
'I just saw someone I didn't want to see,' Gaddes said. 'Remember the Tragic
Past I don't talk about? Someone like that.'
'An old girlfriend?' said Allen, uncertainly, as though he was not sure it was
tactful.
'No, nothing like that.' He lowered his voice, although this meant he had to
lean over the table for Allen to have any hope of hearing him. 'The guy who
accused me.'
'Seriously?' said Allen, looking startled and indignant. 'Did he have the nerve
to speak to you?'
'Don't worry about it.'
'I'd like to have a word with him myself.'
'For God's sake don't!' If I can just get out of here without bumping into him
again, and particularly without him and Allen meeting, I'll consider the
evening a success.
'It probably is wiser just to ignore him,' Allen said reluctantly. 'Do you want
to leave?'
'We don't have to.'
'I will if you'd rather. There's no need to stay if he's bothering you. We can
find somewhere else to go and still meet the others at midnight as planned.'
'There aren't a lot of places to go in Lamor. It's this or - actually, it's
just this.'
'Well, we can walk around.'
'You shouldn't have to spend your first evening in civilisation for months
walking around in the dark because I bumped into a dickhead.'
'Well,' said Allen, 'firstly, this isn't quite civilisation as I know it,
secondly, I won't really mind much where I am as long as I have good company,
and thirdly, the noise in here is making Natal nervous and he keeps digging his
claws into my shoulder quite painfully. And those girls over there are laughing
at me.' He indicated three young women sitting together nearby with a tilt of
his head.
'Are you sure they're laughing at you? Maybe they just think you're cute.'
Goodness knows I do.
'No, I could hear them making fun of my owl and my puffed sleeves. Honestly, if
I were their fathers I wouldn't let them come out to a place like this in the
evening. There are some very unsavoury types about. As your encounter just
demonstrated. Let's go.' He took up his glass and drank off the contents in one
go.
'Do you think that's a smart way to drink wine, Boss?'
'Don't make a fuss, it's only my second glass. Finish yours and we can leave.'
'I think you were sitting here waiting for an excuse to get out,' Gaddes said.
Knocking back the last of his beer made him realise that he was now past - only
just, but certainly past - his limit for reasonably sober behaviour. He would
have to watch himself carefully now. He thought he might also need to watch
Allen; although technically the boy was his superior Gaddes couldn't help
feeling responsible for and protective of him, especially when he seemed as
young as he did just now, and was looking rather pink in the face, whether from
embarrassment at the girls' attention or from having skulled a fair-sized glass
of unaccustomed alcohol.
I bet his mouth tastes like wine. Stop it! He got up, noting the feeling that
his head was floating above his shoulders rather than being attached to it by
the normal arrangements, and followed Allen as he picked his way through the
crowd towards the door. The air outside was chilly and damp, especially
compared with the stuffy atmosphere generated by many people and a blazing
fireplace indoors, but that was refreshing and Gaddes drew in a deep breath
with a feeling of relief.
'Where should we go now?' Allen wondered aloud. 'It's all the same to me. Maybe
we should flip a coin.'
'Ask the owl,' Gaddes suggested. 'He sees all and knows all.'
'But tells nothing,' Allen pointed out. 'He's a very discreet bird. Yes you
are,' he added, absent-mindedly scratching the owl's head. Natal ruffled his
feathers and clicked his beak contentedly.
The door opened behind them, letting out a slice of noise and light before it
swung to behind an emerging figure.
'I thought I saw you skulking off,' Nichol said. 'Who's your friend?'
Allen looked at him with instant contempt, which, if possible, endeared him
still further to Gaddes. He couldn't help seeing the glaring contrast between
the two men he had fallen in love with. He would never have thought twice about
Nichol if he had met him for the first time tonight; at least he supposed not.
He wouldn't be the same person if he hadn't met him before now. He might have
been happier, but he supposed he would have been dumber.
'This is my commanding officer,' he told Nichol, 'Allen Schezar of the Knights
of Heaven.'
'Good evening, sir,' said Allen, with a curt nod of his head.
'What's a Knight of Heaven doing commanding a swamp garrison?' Nichol asked,
his tone incredulously rude.
'A good job,' said Gaddes crisply. 'Have you got something you want to say to
me or can I get on with my life unmolested?'
'I never molested you, Sammy,' said Nichol, grinning. 'You're the one with a
record that way.'
'Look here,' said Allen abruptly, 'I will not stand here and listen to you
malign a good man. I know all about you. And I am glad to say that I know
Gaddes very well and I know the accusation you made was perfectly untrue.'
'He's told you that, has he?' said Nichol. 'I can't blame him.'
'Just shut up,' said Gaddes desperately. He wasn't sure if he was talking to
Allen or Nichol. It felt all wrong for these two parts of his life to come into
conjunction.
'Exactly,' said Allen. 'We don't have to listen to this. Good evening, sir.
Come on, Gaddes.'
'I see you're still someone's bitch,' said Nichol to Gaddes, sneering.
I'm not going to give you a reaction. I'm not going to let you see you can hurt
me any more.
'I beg your pardon,' said Allen. 'What did you call him?'
'Your bitch. Unless you're his. Maybe he wanted someone pretty this time.'
'That's what I thought, thank you,' said Allen brightly, swung his arm, and
punched him under the chin with sufficient force to lift him off his feet. He
landed in a heap and collapsed entirely, unconscious.
'Ouch,' said Allen, shaking out his wrist. 'What an unpleasant man. Shall we go
now?'
'Um,' said Gaddes. 'Yes. Quickly!' They hurried away through the damp streets;
Gaddes found himself on the verge of laughter, or worse, giggles.
'I didn't think I'd knock him out,' Allen explained, a touch breathlessly. 'He
was just so irritating!'
'You always punch people who irritate you?'
'No, I have to be a bit tipsy first, I think.'
'You should do it more often, it's very effective.' They were coming to the
edge of the town, on the side away from the river. Lamor stood on an island,
but the watercourse on the other side was so narrow and shallow that it did not
really seem to cut it off. There was a small footbridge over it, and then the
path led away into the trees. It was quiet here, except for the orchestra of
insects and frogs that performed every night in this region. The moons were at
third quarter, although the Mystic Moon looked shadowy and indistinct tonight.
'I don't think any outraged citizens are going to come after us now,' Allen
said, turning on the footbridge to look back at the town.
'As if we'dmisbehave,' said Gaddes, trying to imitate Allen's voice. 'I can't
take you anywhere. Two drinks and you start a fight.' He felt inanely happy
somehow, and wanted to make Allen laugh.
'He started it!' Allen protested. 'Calling you names. What an idiot, anyway. It
doesn't even make sense to call a man a bitch. What was that supposed to mean?'
'He was accusing us of being - well, what he said Corporal Esper and I were. If
I'm your bitch it kind of means you're the boss of me.'
'I am,' said Allen, frowning as though he didn't quite get it.
'Not like that. Like…' He trailed off, unsure of whether he even wanted to make
Allen understand what he had been, even if he didn't mention that it was him.
'I don't understand it and I don't want to; it's probably disgusting anyway,'
said Allen cheerfully, and sat down on the side of the footbridge with his legs
hanging over the stream. There were no railings at the sides to lean on, so he
leaned back and rested his weight on his hands. 'It's a beautiful night and
there's no need to think of him any further.'
'I just couldn't believe it when you popped him like that,' Gaddes said
enthusiastically, shaking his head as he sat down by Allen's side. 'It was - I
just couldn't believe it. Talk about style. I wouldn't have thought of that. He
always gets me really rattled, so I just want to hide. But you just stepped up
and knocked him flying! Don't take it the wrong way, but I love you!' He
laughed as he said it, to make it sound light-hearted and jokey, but there was
no way he could have kept it back.
'There's no wrong way to love someone,' Allen said, smiling peacefully at him.
Gaddes caught his breath. Right here, under the moonlight, I may be about to
become perfectly happy.
Then Allen's eyes clouded and he looked away, gazing down at the water as it
chuckled over the stony streambed. 'Or maybe I'm wrong,' he said thoughtfully.
'I mean, look at me and Marlene.'
'Please stop beating yourself up about that,' Gaddes said, trying to fight
through his own crashing disappointment to find some sympathy. I wish you'd
piss off and stop getting in my way, Princess Wonderful Marlene! 'You talk
about it like you were some sort of wolf taking advantage of her. But she
started it! It was all her decision, you just gave her what she wanted.'
'That isn't exactly what I'm talking about,' said Allen, 'and yet it sort of
touches on the same thing.' He picked up a pebble that lay on the bridge and
chucked it into the water. Disturbed by the movement, Natal fluttered off his
shoulder, dipped through the air and flew towards the woods with a hunting cry.
'I hadn't thought hard about her for a little while now, and when I did today I
thought I saw something about it that I'd never really thought of before.' He
looked up at Gaddes; his expression was more quizzical than anything else, as
if he hoped his friend might shed some new light on a puzzle. 'When I was all
upset, I said to you that the baby would never be my son any more than Marlene
would be my wife. But thinking about that… I don't think I want Marlene to be
my wife. I don't think I ever actually wished for that. Perhaps it was because
I knew it wouldn't be allowed to happen anyway, or perhaps because Marlene
never seemed to think of the future in that way, but I really had no idea in my
mind of a life for us together. I was quite sure I loved her, but how can that
be if I feel this way?'
'I think it's just because, like I said, you're still a kid. You're old enough
to fall in love but not old enough to know who you really want to spend your
life with, or see who the right person would be.'
'It just… rings false,' Allen said. 'Gaddes, I want to know if this is normal.
Before the night when… it happened, I never actually imagined making love to
her. It hadn't occurred to me. When I kissed her, it was not because I felt a
positive desire to do so, it was because I thought it would make her happy.
That was what I wanted, to cause her happiness, by whatever means. Is that
love?'
'It is love,' Gaddes said slowly, 'but it's not the kind I'd get married on the
strength of, no. Are you sure? I mean, you never had dreams about her, or
anything?'
'What kind of dreams?' Allen asked.
Gaddes could feel himself blushing. It was strange how talking to someone who
seemed innocent made you feel embarrassed about things that normally you
accepted comfortably. 'Wet dreams,' he said quickly. 'Like when you dream
you're doing it and you wake up to find your body thought you really were.'
He's got to know about that. He's sixteen for God's sake. And you'd think that
at eighteen I could talk about it without going red. He stared down at his
boots, dangling over the stream. It was easier than trying to look Allen in the
eye.
'Oh,' said Allen, sounding rather shocked. 'Do you think that should be part of
being in love?'
'Well, I mean, it's just - I mean, if you wanted to sleep with her even if you
didn't think about it at the top of your mind it might have come up in your
dreams.'
'I have had that kind of dream but never about Marlene,' Allen said. 'Do you
think that's strange?'
'Stranger if you didn't have them at all.' If they weren't about her, then who?
Or what? Sometimes the dream is just a feeling, yeah, but there's usually
someone with you. Someone who makes you feel that way.
'I - I dreamed about, um, this woman from a picture,' Allen said, as though he
sensed the question in Gaddes' mind, but sounding unsure if he should even
admit it. 'A picture I saw reproduced in a book when I was quite young. She
was, um, she had no clothes on, it was a sort of classical painting of a dryad,
draped about with grapevines, and a crown of vine leaves on her head, and the
loveliest soft-looking white skin, and she had, um, a bunch of violet-blue
grapes in her actual lap so you didn't see anything private but she had a
single grape between her thumb and forefinger and she was just biting it and
looking up at me from under her eyelashes. Looking up at the viewer, I mean. I
mean, I thought it was a woman because the face was so beautiful. Just, just
rather a willowy, gamine woman, perhaps very young and not fully developed
yet.'
'What are you getting at?'
'Gaddes, last year I saw the original of that painting in the National Gallery
in Pallas, and it was of a boy,' Allen said. 'It was bizarre! I stood there
looking at it and could see as clear as day that it was a boy, and couldn’t
think why I hadn't understood that in the first place. I was horribly
embarrassed, although of course no-one was to know. It was as though my dream
took off a mask. Why would anyone paint a picture like that? It doesn't make
sense. I suppose it might be for women to look at, but I thought they didn't
like that sort of thing. It seems a bit indelicate.'
'Um,' Gaddes said, trying to think of anything diplomatic he could say. 'Um,
what actually happened in those dreams?'
'Well, she let me eat all the grapes, for one thing,' said Allen. 'Don't let's
talk about it! I haven't really been able to enjoy grapes since that.'
'I don't think I'll look at them quite the same way either.' Damn! That wasn't
meant to be out loud.
'Do you think that's really, really strange?' Allen asked, as if determined to
hear the worst.
'No! Look, don't worry about it. Dreams are strange. You weren't to know, were
you?'
'Every time I try to understand something about desire I just get more
confused,' Allen said, shaking his head. 'I don't know if it's separate from
love, or part of love, if they always go together or can exist separately -
look here, if you can have desire without love, which I know you can, it's what
everyone complains about, surely you can have love without desire?'
'Ye-es,' said Gaddes, 'it's just that people don’t call that being in love. In
love tends to mean that you want the whole package.' The whole bunch of grapes.
Thank you, incidentally, for providing me with another image that pops up every
time I close my eyes!
'This is why it's so much easier just to love you!' Allen exclaimed. 'That
can't be anything wrong, so I can just love you as much as I like without
worrying.'
'Well, if I make you feel better that way, I'm glad.' My God, he's innocent.
'Gaddes?' He felt Allen put a hand over his, where it rested on the boards of
the bridge. He took the chance of turning to look at him. Allen leaned forward,
looking very serious, and asked, 'Do you love me too? When you said it before
it sounded a little as though you were just joking. I do want to think that you
love me as I love you. You don't have to be embarrassed about saying it.'
'Of course I love you,' Gaddes mumbled. 'I thought you knew I loved you.' How
can you be getting me to say this in a way that I don't want to? Idolove you
that way, but that's not the half of it. And honestly, I'm starting to wonder
again exactly what you mean by love. You sound pretty mixed up about it.
'Then I'm happy,' said Allen. He leaned over a little further and put his head
down on Gaddes' shoulder. 'Tragic Pasts can take a running jump. We'll be all
right.' He closed his eyes and rested there, the shadow of a smile on his lips.
Gaddes looked down at him, and at the trusting white-gloved hand in his own
brown mitt.
'Boss,' he said, mentally kicking himself for trying so hard to spoil it,
'someone might see us and think this is weird.'
'If they see us they'll probably think I'm a girl,' Allen said, sounding
amused. 'I'll draw up my legs so they don't see my trousers, and spread out my
overskirt a bit, and the camouflage will be perfect, from a distance,
especially with my hair the length it is these days.'
'You don't have to keep boycotting the barber just because of me.'
'It's a matter of principle, and anyway I feel more comfortable with it long,'
said Allen. 'I mean, I've had long hair for most of my life. It was the short
cut that was out of the ordinary. Even then I couldn't make myself get it as
short as yours. I felt almost as if I were having an arm off. For weeks when I
tried to comb it I would keep making long strokes, and the comb would shoot off
the end of the actual hair and then I'd think, oh yes, it's not there any more.
The nape of my neck felt naked.'
Don't use a word like naked, please, not when you're so close to me. I keep
feeling like Icouldkiss you, and taste the wine, the ghost of grapes in your
mouth… still, I should enjoy an evening like this as much as I can, within
reason.
'Just relax,' said Allen, laughing softly. 'You're all stiff. No-one is going
to come out here at this time of night and laugh at us being sentimental and
childish.'
'Of course you're right,' said Gaddes, and gently squeezed his hand. 'You're
not cold out here, are you?'
'No, I'm keeping nice and warm.'
How cananyonebe that innocent? Maybe heisn't, maybe he's been trying for weeks
to get me to make a move and I've been too dumb to try. No, that wouldn't be
like him. He's too honest. He'd be direct about it if that were what he meant.
So I just sit here… longing… How am I ever going to cope with this? If we get
separated, I'll be miserable. But being together like this is doing my head in.
He's just so sweet, and so gallant, and in a weird way so defenceless.
He let go of Allen's hand in order to be able to put his arm around his
shoulders. 'Yeah, well, if I feel you shivering we're going somewhere indoors,'
he said, a little gruffly. I really,reallyshouldn't be doing this! That's me,
go too far and not far enough…
'You worry about me far too much,' said Allen peacefully. 'You're the only
person I've known, apart from my mother, who seemed to think they ought to take
care of me. It's very refreshing, but rather funny.'
'I can't see you letting most people take care of you,' Gaddes said. 'I was
taking it as a compliment that you put up with it.'
'I enjoy making an exception in your case.'
Emboldened by the situation, and to a small extent by the amount of alcohol
still in his bloodstream, Gaddes gave a little squeeze to Allen's shoulders and
rested his cheek against the top of his head. He closed his eyes in delight at
the silky texture of his hair, and quietly breathed in its clean scent. I
shouldn't be so sneaky… he has no idea what this means to me. Keep remembering
that. This isn't romantic to him, it isn't exciting, it isn't making his heart
go kerthoomp and you can bet your life it isn't making anything happen in his
pants. Absolutely clear on that? Good. Just sit quietly and be happy. You
couldn't hope for more than this.
They sat in dreaming silence for a long time, until Allen sat up with a start,
and looking at his pocket watch, found it was almost midnight and time to meet
the others to return home. He stood up and whistled to Natal, who emerged from
the shadow of the trees as silently as a ghost, and they walked back into the
town. Gaddes would have been just as happy never to move again.
 
For some reason, things seemed to get a little easier for him after that.
Perhaps, he thought, it was a case of revising his expectations, or his hopes,
to something he could live with. His expectations, he was pretty sure, had
always been realistic, it was the wild hopes that were the problem. Or perhaps
he was just getting resigned to the situation. He was able to enjoy the
closeness they did share without breaking his heart that it was not deeper.
Was that really it? Sometimes he stepped back and looked at the situation very
critically, and wondered if he wasn't feeling better because in an odd way he
felt as though his hopes were being fulfilled. Even if Allen thought of it as a
tender friendship, the way they were behaving together kept making him think of
a kind of shy, adolescent romance, the sort of thing he had wanted to have with
Danyon, holding hands, confiding secrets. It was very sweet, and yet he felt
like a bit of a hypocrite, because his desires had moved a long way past that
by this time in his life. This wasn't the be-all and end-all of love, as it
would have been to his thirteen-year-old self; it was a stage in the
progression to the kind of intimacy he really wanted.
He couldn't help thinking of it as romantic, just because it was secret. When
anyone else was present Allen was completely different; he was unambiguously
Boss, professional and gentlemanly and entirely, suavely in control. Then in
private with his friend he would let that front drop so easily, so eagerly that
Gaddes couldn't help feeling deeply flattered. It reminded him a little of
something he had tried to put into words in his letter, that he had felt as
though Nichol saw him naked; in that case it had been because Nichol's vision
had somehow penetrated the cover he tried to keep around himself, the cloak
over his feelings. Even while he was thrilled, he felt it as an invasion. In
this case, it was as though he was the one who saw, because he was shown,
because he was invited to see. It was the difference between looking through a
hole in the changing-room wall and being allowed to watch your lover undress.
And when he got to thinking of it in those terms he had to stop and shake
himself sternly, remind himself that that was not what Allen meant by it, so
far as he could tell.
The temptation was still there. He didn't try to avoid fantasising any more,
particularly when he had such good material. It just seemed easier to accept
the gap between fantasy and reality, and how unlikely it was to be closed.
The year was turning, becoming more positively wintry. The weather changed; now
instead of incessant rain there were grey days when the sky seemed to lower to
half its usual height, as though the world were being packed in cotton wool for
storage. Thunder grumbled around the horizon and Allen's hair filled up with
static electricity. This was thoroughly strange, as it seemed to take on a will
of its own. Anyone standing near him would find fine filaments of gold
stretching out to cling to their clothes. It almost drove him mad, particularly
the shorter strands around his face which clung to his cheeks and got into his
mouth.
'It's not as if it doesn’t stick up enough by itself,' he complained to Gaddes,
trying to smash it flat on top of his head. 'A very practical reason why I
never cut it really short was that if it's shorter than about six inches it
stands up straight. When I was a toddler I looked like a dandelion clock. My
hair was nearly white when I was very small. The only thing that keeps my hair
from looking stupid is its own weight.'
'You can't walk around holding it down,' Gaddes pointed out. They were making
their way through the swamp on a routine day patrol, heading back towards the
fort, having seen nothing to concern them on the way out. 'Just tie it out of
your way.'
'It won't even stay in a ponytail,' Allen muttered, yanking out the toggle with
an exasperated sigh. 'Look at this. It's creeping towards you. You're a hair
magnet.'
'I can't help being attractive,' Gaddes said, laughing. He brushed away the
strands that were adhering to his shoulder.
'And if I comb it or brush it it just gets worse,' Allen grumbled. 'I thought
if I didn't wash it for a bit it might get better, but no, then it just looked
greasy as well.'
'No it didn't. Don't think about it so much.'
'It's annoying.' Allen made a petulant face as he pushed the sides back behind
his ears, but his look turned to one of worry. 'Am I being annoying?'
'Just a bit,' said Gaddes patiently, bending back a springy treelimb that
obstructed the path and holding it so Allen could follow him through.
'I'm sorry,' said Allen. 'That's the worst of letting myself go with you. I
feel as if I can say anything and sometimes that leads to me behaving like a
spoiled child.'
'I don't know that you were ever spoiled.'
'You spoil me,' Allen said, half-smiling. 'Holding that branch for me. That’s
the sort of courtesy you're meant to perform for ladies.' He walked through,
throwing a teasing glance back over his shoulder.
'Your hair confused me,' said Gaddes sarcastically. 'Besides, you think I'd
walk through and let it spring back in your face?' Not that undignified things
like that ever happened to Allen. The universe just unobtrusively arranged
itself around him so that he was never made to look ridiculous. This static
electricity difficulty was all the more striking because it was such an
anomaly.
'You manage so much better in the swamp these days,' Allen said with clear
admiration. 'In fact, I think the last accident I saw you have was the night we
found Natal.'
'Then there's a lot you haven't seen,' Gaddes said. 'Or a lot you've been nice
enough to overlook. You've always had a better opinion of me than I deserve.'
'You're not that bad,' said Allen, patting him on the back. Gaddes felt a small
electric jolt. This was not uncommon if Allen happened to touch him, but the
loud 'snap' was less usual.
'Goodness,' said Allen, staring at his hand. 'I could see a spark! It jumped
between us when I patted you. I seem to be becoming a human lightning-
conductor.'
'Are lightning and electricity the same stuff, then?'
'According to something I read the other day. The natural world is stranger
than we can imagine, and I'm beginning to give up hope of understanding it.
I'll never hold my own among intellectuals. I probably shouldn't aspire to be
erudite.'
'I wouldn't aspire to use a word like erudite. Speaking of lightning, does it
look like rain to you?' They were stepping out from the shelter of the trees,
into the cleared area in front of the fort, and the sky above them was ugly. It
looked bruised, and while it had been oppressively still all day, a sudden wind
now set the leaves and grasses hissing. The sky flickered as though the sun was
blinking. Allen's hair was whipped into his face, and he shoved it away
impatiently. Gaddes saw his lips move as he said something, but the sound was
entirely drowned by a monstrous growl of thunder. It seemed to be directly
overhead, like something that could fall on them; for a second they both
instinctively hunched down and looked up as if to see the danger. Allen
recovered first and began to laugh, and then the rain came down so thick and
fast and heavy that it was almost ridiculous. Within seconds they were
saturated, their hair plastered to their heads and their clothes to their skin;
it was so sudden that they stood there gaping at one another in amazement.
Then fork-lightning stabbed down from the sky and a tree not far off erupted
into flame, although judging by the amount of smoke and steam rising the rain
began to put it out almost instantly.
'Shit!' said Gaddes. 'Let's get inside quickly!'There was already a promising
juvenile river running down the zigzag track up the bare hill to the gates, and
running up it involved a lot of slithering and skidding back. Gaddes' feet went
out from under him entirely at the second bend and he fell on his hands and
knees, which promptly slipped in their turn so that he was deposited on his
stomach in the mud. He hit his chin rather hard on a stone. Allen helped him
up; although he was doing his best not to laugh, since it was not at all
amusing for Gaddes to be hurt, he was on the edge of it. The absurdly extreme
heaviness of the downpour was making him giggly.
'I'm covered in it,' said Gaddes disgustedly.
'It'll rinse off in no time at this rate,' Allen pointed out. They were both
shouting to be heard above the hiss of the rain. 'Let's get inside.'
The next few seconds seemed to Gaddes to pass with the unreal slowness of a
dream. It should not be possible to see a bolt of lightning coming, and yet he
could swear he saw it descend. There was no way to tell where it would land; he
only had time to throw his arms around Allen and pull him close. If he was
thinking anything, it was only that he would rather they got struck by
lightning together than that either of them should die alone.
The lightning hit the earth several metres away. There was a blinding flash and
a strange metallic scorched smell, but the two of them were completely
unharmed, and stood motionless under the falling curtain of chilly water.
Gaddes' heart had begun to pound from panic, and if possible it beat harder
now. Allen's face was inches from his and their bodies were pressed closely
together. Perhaps it was only to keep his balance on the slippery path, but
Allen had closed his arms around Gaddes' waist and was holding on tightly.
Probably it was only because he was startled, but he was gazing up at him with
wide eyes and half-open lips, his face softly flushed and shining wet. His damp
hair formed fine curling tendrils around his face; a strand was caught across
his eyes and trembled as he blinked.
Don't, Gaddes told himself fiercely. Let go, step back, remember it's not meant
to be. The compulsion was upon him so strongly that he could feel his own lips
trying to shape themselves for a kiss even while he fought against it. He
didn't have the power to let go; keeping still was the best he could do.
'Did you,' said Allen breathlessly, 'just now, try to rescue me from a
lightning bolt?'  The trace of disbelief in his voice broke the spell.
'I'm sorry,' said Gaddes, snatching his hands away and holding them clear,
although Allen's hands were still on his waist and springing away on this slimy
surface seemed a good way to make them both fall over.
'Don't be sorry,' said Allen, smiling. 'But you'll admit it's funny. Alligators
are one thing, but my dear fellow, did you seriously think you could protect me
from lightning?'
'I don't know, I didn't really think about it,' Gaddes said sheepishly. 'It
gave me a hell of a fright.'
'Were you trying to protect me, or did you want me to protect you?' Allen
asked, with his head on one side.
'I haven't got a clue,' said Gaddes. 'Are you all right, though?'
'Right as rain,' said Allen, with a soft chuckle. 'Covered in mud, though,
thanks to you. Let's go inside and get out of these soaked clothes before we do
get struck by lightning. You'd get hit first. You're taller than me.' He
stepped back easily and set off up the path again.
Damn it, damn it, damn it, Gaddes thought, squelching along behind him. Should
have kissed him. Should have said to hell with it and kissed him hard. Cue
thunder and lightning. Dramatic, romantic, you name it. It's like the world is
teasing me, setting me up again and again so that I could but I know I can't.
Ridiculous anyway. Anyone on the battlements could see us. I've got an excuse
for grabbing him, however stupid, but kissing him… either we'd never hear the
end of it, or that would be the end of everything.
In his own room, shivering, he stripped off his soaked clothes and put on dry
things, although this meant wearing his only other pair of pants in the world,
which fitted well enough but had an enormous badly-mended rip in the seat that
made them embarrassing to be seen in. He rather anxiously unfolded the letter
he still carried over his heart. It was wet and crinkly, but being written in
pencil still legible. He spread the pages out carefully on top of the
footlocker. Hopefully they would dry there. He wasn't sure why it was so
important to him to preserve a letter he never intended to give to anyone, but
it would have upset him to lose it. Even with dry clothes on he felt chilly and
miserable, so he gathered the wet things into a bundle and went downstairs to
hang them in front of the fireplace to dry.
He was sitting gloomily before the hearth, watching the fire eat up the logs
and the steam rising from his tunic, and feeling deeply unimpressed with
himself, when someone sat down beside him. He knew it was Allen without
looking, without him speaking; there was simply a different feeling about Allen
for him, an energy surrounding his body.
'What a day,' said Allen, with an oddly contented sigh. 'Or what a night. It's
like night out there and it's only half past four. If there are any bandits out
in that good luck to them. I don't stir from this spot until I'm warm as toast
and the weather starts behaving itself.' He gave Gaddes a little smile. He was
dressed very differently now. Gaddes had never seen him in anything but his
blue and white uniform, but he had changed it for a soft white shirt, without
the stiffly puffed sleeves of a regulation one, and old black moleskin
trousers. He noticed Gaddes looking curiously at his clothes and said with a
slight air of embarrassment,
'I'd just sent my spare suit to the wash, so this was all I had to put on.'
'Makes a change,' said Gaddes. That sounded ridiculously ungracious to him as
soon as he had said it, but what was he supposed to say? You look wonderful in
anything? Better still in nothing? He was having problems maintaining decorum
as it was. There was something about seeing Allen with his hair wet, sleeked
back from his face, and with his cheeks softly glowing in the firelight. He
looked as though he had come straight from the bath. Gaddes had lost his
virginity in a bath, as it happened, the large white-enamelled tub in what was
meant to be the captain's private bathroom in the old country house. The
captain had gone in to Pallas for the day for some appointment and Nichol had
never had any qualms whatever about taking opportunities like that. As he saw
it, the world set these things up for him: there was the bath, the only one in
the house with water heated by a working geyser, exactly the sort of luxury he
liked to appropriate to himself; here was his new boyfriend, confused and eager
and unable to think of saying no, and things like getting caught simply weren't
in the equation. If Nichol had been in Gaddes' place, and had decided he wanted
Allen, he wouldn't have delayed five minutes. He would laugh till he cried at
Gaddes' painful dithering.
Well, I guess that just shows that I'm a slightly better person than he was.
Wherever he is now. I wonder what brought him round this way? No, I don't care.
I just hope he's gone for good and I don't have to run into him again.
A hot bath would actually be about the nicest thing I could have right now, bar
a hot bath with Allen. There was no such thing to be had in the fort; it had
always puzzled him a little how Allen managed to keep himself looking so
immaculate when he must have to wash with a basin and pitcher like everyone
else. He never gave the impression of being vain or dandified, just of having
high professional standards of appearance. He had even been down to the laundry
room to personally explain to the surly, perspiring little man whose domain it
was exactly how he required his shirts to be boiled, starched and pressed. And
because it was Allen, it had actually turned out that way. Anyone else would
have found his shirts accidentally on purpose dyed pink and exactly half his
socks lost without trace.
'Guess what,' said Allen, apropos of nothing. Nothing had been said for some
minutes.
'I give up,' said Gaddes.
'Go on, guess what today is.'
Gaddes shrugged. He really was not fond of guessing games; they always made him
feel slow-witted. 'Autumnal Equinox?'
'It's my birthday,' said Allen, and beamed at him. 'Third Moon of Blue. I
wasn't going to say anything, but then I thought why not? I haven't actually
celebrated a birthday in years, but why not feel quietly glad that I've gone
another whole year without dying, and share it with a friend?'
'Your birthday? So you're not "almost seventeen" any more?'
'That's right,' said Allen, his smile broadening. 'Now I'm almost eighteen.'
Gaddes looked round at the room. A few men must be skulking in the
outbuildings, but most people were in the mess hall, driven in by the rain and
the cold, quietly absorbed for the moment in card games, telling lies and in
one corner an attempt on the world record for domino-toppling. He got up and
made a trumpet of his hands.
'Your attention, please! It is the Boss' birthday! I repeat, the Boss'
birthday.'
'Shush!' said Allen. 'I didn't mean you to tell everyone.' He had to raise his
voice on the last word because a rowdy cheer was going up.
'You didn't give me time to get you a present,' Gaddes said unrepentantly, 'so
the least I can give you is a party.'
To a certain extent it was 'any excuse,' but there was genuine goodwill towards
Allen in the hastily arranged festivities. Predictably, a good deal of drinking
was involved. Allen would not normally have participated but in this weather
there was no question of retiring to the roof, and his judgement was very
slightly affected since, at the outset, someone pointed out that after getting
soaked in the rain a hot toddy would probably do him some good. Allen had been
under the impression that a hot toddy, like mulled wine, wasn't actually
alcoholic. What he drank had sufficient rum in it to put rather more colour in
his cheeks than usual. He agreed to join in a game in which shots were drunk as
forfeits, and played extremely badly. He stood on a bench and announced that
they were all the best friends and comrades a man could hope to have and he
loved each and every one of them. Then he fell off.
'Come on, get up,' Gaddes said, laughing and trying to lever him off the floor.
He had partaken as much as anyone else and was beginning to see the world in a
rather rosy light.
'You see,' said Allen, enunciating very carefully, 'you did not succeed in
inebriating me when first I arrived, for I was - I was… something. Something
fast. Stead! I was fast stead in my resolution… no, I don't think that's right.
Don’t tug at me, I can get up.' He got up quite smoothly and managed to seat
himself without further incident.
'I do have a present for you,' Gaddes said, sitting down beside him. 'Bought it
off Kio just now. He carves things in his spare time. Have a look at that.' He
handed over something knobbly wrapped up in a napkin.
'It's a lizard,' said Allen, looking at the little wooden reptile he unwrapped.
'It is not,' said Gaddes, 'it's an allengator. I got him to put a toothpick in
its eye special.'
'Allengator!' repeated Allen delightedly. He was tipsy enough to find the small
play on words intensely amusing. As the evening wore on he became increasingly
easily amused, to the point where, around ten o'clock, he was in a chair in the
corner, laughing silently at no-one could see what.
'He's a very happy drunk,' said Reeden.
Allen tried to say something and was unable to do so. This also amused him.
'I think he's had enough,' said Gaddes, feeling somewhat responsible again. He
had enjoyed himself thoroughly but he had a feeling Allen might not thank him
for letting things get any further. It would just be unkind to allow him to
drink until he was sick, and it would not be good sergeanting, he supposed, to
let him make too much of a fool of himself in front of the men. Counting it up,
he had not actually had that much, but it had a strong effect on him because he
was new to it.
'Well, you can put him to bed. We're still just warming up.' This was true. In
the absence of the birthday boy the party could happily proceed all night.
'Come on, Boss,' Gaddes said, hauling Allen to his feet, 'you can tell me the
joke on the way upstairs.'
'You're my bestest friend,' Allen said, very earnestly. Then he looked at
Gaddes and started laughing again.
'Thank you. You're very strange. Come on, just - hey, don't lean on me, I'm
drunk too.'
'Good night, everyone!' Allen called out. He got a chorus of goodnights in
reply, which seemed to please him.
'Come on, come on,' said Gaddes, steering him towards the stairs. 'Move your
ass. Sir.'
'Which way sh'd I move it?' Allen stumbled and fell against him, and they made
their way up the staircase leaning against each other arm-in-arm, zig-zagging
from the banisters to the wall.
'My veryest best friend,' Allen said, quite loudly. 'I love you, Gaddes.'
'Sshh, you're shouting.'
'But I love you!'
'Sshh!'
'Don't you love me? Gaddes doesn't love me!'
'Of course I love you, now shut up, you're being weird.'
'Just s'long as you do,' Allen said decisively. 'You're very very nice.' They
were in the corridor outside their rooms now, where at least it seemed less
likely the others would overhear them. Allen probably wouldn't make it across
his room alone. Gaddes, with some difficulty, as Allen seemed quite
uninterested in the whole business and was getting in his way a lot, managed to
open the door and guide him in, kicking the door shut behind them. They
stumbled across the floor to the bed, where Gaddes tugged back the covers,
tried to help Allen lie down and ended up falling on the bed himself.
'Ow,' he said vaguely, trying to crawl off the bed and butting into the wall on
the other side. He was much drunker than he had realised; as he fell back on
the mattress the ceiling of the room seemed to tip and spin above him. It was
rather interesting. Allen was making a fuss about something; belatedly he
realised he was lying on the poor boy's hair and pulling it. He rolled to the
side a little to let him get comfortable.
'That's better,' said Allen. 'You've fallen over.'
'I'm very very tired,' said Gaddes. 'Very very tired from saving you from
lightning and allengators.' He gave Allen a sort of friendly pat on the
shoulder. It seemed like a nice safe gesture.
'You can stay here to sleep,' Allen said, throwing one arm over him in an
outburst of affection. 'I love you so much.' Without warning, unless you
counted the previous utterance, he planted a heavy, clumsy kiss on Gaddes'
upper lip.
Gaddes was far from sober but that certainly made him fully alert. Reflexively,
his arms closed around Allen, although he couldn't yet quite co-ordinate a
response to the kiss. Before he could get that together, Allen had pulled away
and dropped his head on his shoulder with a sigh. Gaddes lay there for a moment
feeling stunned and overjoyed. He would rather Allen had wanted to do this when
he was sober, of course, but he was damned if he'd complain. He was about to
kiss Allen in return when he realised from his breathing and limp, relaxed
stillness that he had fallen deeply asleep almost instantly after kissing him.
'Ohhhhhhh…' A tortured moan of sheer disappointment rose up in him. If he was
smashed enough to drop off like that you couldn't base anything on what he said
or did right beforehand. And you could tell he would be impossible to wake. And
he was lying on top of Gaddes' arm. And he himself was both too giddy and too
sleepy to move. His own room and hammock seemed a hundred miles away.
I don't care, I just don't care. I will stay, then. Sleep in a proper bed for
once. They told me to put him to bed after all. He tugged up the quilt to cover
them and fell asleep pretty quickly himself, despite the continued noise of
merrymaking from downstairs.
He woke from a muddled and anxious dream sometime in the early hours of the
morning. The fort was finally quiet. At first it was very hard to remember why
he was where he was, but after a few minutes' painstaking thought it came back
to him. He hated waking up still drunk, probably more than waking up with a
hangover. Allen was curled up close to him, one leg laid over his, all warmth
and weight and sweetness and hundred-proof breath. Gaddes was not particularly
surprised to have woken with an erection. What caught his attention was the
fact that Allen seemed to have one too, or more accurately to be just getting
one. He could feel the swelling and stiffening against his hip, very
definitely, none of the uncertainty of that other occasion of blessed memory.
You're dreaming something with grapes in it, he thought vaguely. The problem
with waking up drunk was that you couldn't think sensibly about anything. Here
he was enjoying this. A little, sensible, but above all outvoted part of his
mind kept pointing out that this was a terrible situation to be in, he couldn't
possibly do anything about it and it was going to be pretty painful resisting.
The rest of him told it to shut up and stop being a killjoy.
Allen sighed in his sleep and pressed closer to him.
My God. No, no, I can't. I can't try and do stuff to him when he's sleeping,
it's just creepy. Oh, God, he's rubbing it against me. He Is Rubbing It Against
Me. His stiff, warm cock, rubbing up and down my thigh, just clothes between
us, clothes come off you know. No. I can't. Oh God, this is too much. I can't
let myself go here, I can't, leaving my mess in his bed…
A thought occurred to him. Assuring his conscience that he wasn't doing this
just for the fun of it, he slipped his free, unpinioned hand into Allen's
trouser pocket. It was nearly too much for him to get his fingers so close to
the heat and hardness straining and stretching the fabric. He thought he
touched the side of it at one point, as he reached down into the warm curve of
his groin, but here it was, naturally Allen had a handkerchief.
I'll just borrow this, sweetheart, you'll never miss it. I've never seen anyone
sleep so sound. One-handed, he fumbled open his flies and released himself,
keeping the handkerchief ready, trying to be practical even while giving in to
the urgent, mindless heat he felt. Allen gave a soft moan and moved his hips a
little faster; Gaddes pressed his face into the soft mass of his long hair,
deeply breathing in the scent of him while he worked to bring himself. Even the
small sensible part of him had shut down now and he only knew how wonderful
this felt. Even knowing that Allen was not conscious of his presence, it was
ecstasy to feel that contact with his, Gaddes', body was what was giving him
the pleasure he kept voicing in little sighs.
This is so good… too good… my love, my one… It was such a relief to go
mindless, to give up and devote himself to releasing all the tension of his
body in a series of escalating shudders of delight, the sweet itch of it
growing sharper, golden light deepening to red. Inside him was a feeling of a
thick cable being drawn ever tighter, tighter and tenser and hotter until it
abruptly broke and lashed through him, releasing pressure and pleasure together
with an electric thunderbolt jolt.
In the same moment he felt Allen push against him, trembling, the muscle of his
overlaying thigh taut and warm, and heard him catch his breath, a sharp little
gasp that snapped like an echo of the release Gaddes felt. Then he subsided,
breathing heavily, lapsing back into deep sleep, his flushed face looking
utterly innocent and untroubled in the shadows.
How do you like that… together… we couldn't have hit it better if we'd tried.
Dumb luck is a wonderful thing. He brushed his lips against Allen's hairline,
making himself keep awake long enough to tuck himself in, button his pants and
crumple the handkerchief, soft around sticky warmth, into his pocket. A deep,
peaceful heaviness was settling in all his limbs. I'll sleep as well as you
now. And no harm done. Good night, love. Thank you. Thank you…for what it was
(and I won't kid myself it wasn't just a surreptitious wank) that couldn't have
been better.
He woke once before dawn, really only half waking, aware with a blind, nuzzling
kind of sense that Allen wasn't beside him. But perhaps that was only a dream,
because a moment later he found his warm mass again, rolling back against him
with a sigh, and he curled his arms round the boy's body and returned to
comfortable insensibility.
***** Chapter 7 *****
As the first pale infiltration of morning light seeped into the room, Gaddes
awoke sober and mildly repentant. His mouth was sour and dry, and his eyes felt
dusty, but he felt far better rested than he normally would with a hangover. It
took him a moment to pull his scattered mind together sufficiently to
understand where he was; until then he blinked stupidly at Allen's face on the
pillow beside him. Even when everything was clear in his head, he could only
feel half-heartedly guilty; he was much too contented to reproach himself
seriously.
After all, he's fine. He looks so sweet and peaceful sleeping there. Such a
soft boyish mouth. Nearly eighteen indeed. I love being the one who knows the
cute little things you say like that.
He was alert enough to widen his focus a little now, and found that the
bedclothes were not as he had remembered, pushed towards the wall so that he
was half uncovered and Allen was entirely so, as though one or other of them
had kicked off the quilt in their sleep. Gaddes' gaze travelled gently down the
line of his bedfellow's body, and his eyes widened a little in drowsy
confusion.
I didn't do that, did I? I would remember, surely. How did his pants get pulled
down like that? God, I didn't, did I? Oh no… I was feeling so good about how I
hadn't done anything to mess him up… no, no, come on, Iwouldremember something
that major, and no matter how drunk he was he wouldn't sleep through it. Oh
God.
Allen's trousers and underwear were crumpled down below his knees, leaving his
thighs bare to the point where his shirt-tails hung down; as he lay halfway on
his side his smooth fair hip was bare, but the front of the shirt seemed to be
making an attempt at decent modesty which was precariously threatened as he
shifted slightly in his sleep. Gaddes froze, terrified to wake him, unable to
stop staring.
He's almost showing me everything. All I want, all I want in the world, is to
slide my hand up his warm thigh, over his apricot hip, soft white shirt just
slipping away, and kiss my way down the tender fold of his groin to - stop it
at once. I can't, not now, it's close to broad daylight and I'm sober as a
judge. I've got to try and get my arm out from under him, he can't wake up with
me hugging him. What the hell happened to his pants anyway? You'd think the
cold would wake him.
After a few moments' careful thought, he started the manoeuvre, drawing up the
covers with his free hand at the same time as rolling Allen slowly away from
him and stealthily drawing his arm out from under his body. It took about five
minutes because he was so afraid of waking him by moving too quickly, but
finally his arm was free, Allen was covered and lying on his side with his back
to Gaddes, and he was able to catch his breath.
Right. Can you try and get out of a tizz now, please Sam? Everything's fine.
You don't look suspicious at all. As insurance, he turned his back to Allen and
tried to relax. I wonder when he's going to wake up. Maybe I should try and
slip out before he does. Except I'm over against the wall; I can't get out
without either climbing over him, or crawling over the end of the bed, and
either of those is probably going to disturb him. Gee, I think I'll just
stayherefor the night,brilliantdecision, fuckwit.
This train of thought was abruptly cut off as Allen stirred and rolled onto his
back again, mumbling 'What time is it?'
'I don't know,' said Gaddes, gingerly half-turning over. Apparently Allen
hadn't been expecting an answer to his question; his head whipped round and he
stared as Gaddes in mild shock.
'I think it's early morning, though,' Gaddes went on, trying to sound normal.
'Doesn't sound like anyone's up, although they'd probably be hard to get out of
bed anyway. Hangover bad?'
'Just… very tired, and my head feels tender,' Allen said, raising a hand to
touch his forehead and brush away a strand of hair caught across his face. 'I'm
afraid I made a beast of myself. I can't remember the last part of last night
very well at all. You helped me back to my room, didn't you?'
'Yeah. You said I could stay here. I wasn't very steady on my feet either. We
both just flaked out. Everyone's going to laugh at us, we didn't even last till
midnight.'
'I feel poxy,' said Allen, sitting up and rubbing his hands over his face. 'I
don't think I'll do that again. Ugh…' He paused with his chin in his hands.
'Gaddes, did I say, or do something stupid or embarrassing before I went to
sleep? I've got a feeling as though I did.'
'No,' said Gaddes promptly. 'Not that I remember.'
'It's a very odd feeling to be ashamed of yourself but not to be sure why,'
said Allen. 'I need to wash my face, I'm really not awake yet. And the light is
hurting my eyes.' He pushed off the covers, swung his legs over the side of the
bed, stood up, and fell full length at his first step, with a thud.
Gaddes shut his eyes for a moment. 'Are you all right?' he asked. It wouldn't
be polite to look. He could hear Allen from the floor, starting to laugh, so
presumably there was no serious damage.
'My trousers are all caught round my ankles like a web,' he managed to say.
'I've tripped myself up. That really does set the tin lid on the whole thing. I
think I've sunk as low as I possibly can.'
'You don't have much experience of this sinking low thing, do you?' asked
Gaddes, amused. He was beginning to feel less tense, and even to enjoy himself
slightly. What he had really been afraid of was that Allen would be distressed
and repulsed to realise that they had shared a bed; that he would have to see
him recoil, and probably go through the whole post-alligator distancing thing
again before they could approach a return to normal friendliness. Instead he
seemed perfectly relaxed about it, and the whole thing was starting to feel
rather cosy and intimate. Just to make sure he could trust himself, Gaddes kept
his eyes on the ceiling, taking a census of cracks and funny dark marks on the
plaster made by old leaks.
'I'm so glad only you have seen me like this,' he could hear Allen's voice
saying cheerfully; it sounded as though he was trying to deal with his
obstructive clothing before attempting to rise from the floor. 'I'm lucky you
did look after me. At least I didn't wake up, oh, I don't know, head down in
the lavatory. If I must behave like a silly ass, at least I have you to protect
me from carrying it too far.'
Gaddes felt something land on the bed beside him and looked over, startled at
the soft impact. Allen had taken off his crumpled pants entirely and thrown
them there; he was going to the washstand in just his shirt, padding softly
over the rough floor with bare feet.
I really shouldn't have let you get to trust me this much!
'Although I'm sorry you have to see me like this,' Allen said, pouring cold
water into the basin, 'because I'm such a mess. I do want you to know I was
brought up to know better. I'm just letting my standards slip very badly on
this one occasion.'
'You look fine to me,' Gaddes said, and bit his tongue. 'I mean - well, I
wouldn't expect you to look any better under the circumstances.'
'A mess,' Allen said, looking at himself in the small mirror over the
washstand, as he raised his face dripping from the basin. 'What was that
colourful expression I heard someone use the other day? Eyes like pissholes in
the snow.'
'Not true,' said Gaddes wearily, rearranging the pillow under his head. If he
was going to stay for a while he wanted to be comfortable. 'You shouldn't worry
so much about how you look.'
Allen was quiet for a moment. 'I know I'm too vain,' he said. 'I'm sorry.'
'I don't mean that,' Gaddes protested, lifting his head to look at him
properly. 'Heck, you've got something to be vain about. I just meant you
shouldn't get upset about it, because you never look that bad anyway. If I
looked like you would you hear me complaining? Hell no. And why do you mind if
I see you looking messy anyway? I'm your friend.'
'Well, that's why,' said Allen in a rather small voice, muffled as he was
drying his face. 'I want you to think well of me, not to think I'm a shambles.'
'How you look is not why I think well of you. All right? So really, stop
worrying about it. You're not going to lose my respect over one night like
this.'
'That's an awful relief to hear,' said Allen, smiling at Gaddes over his
shoulder. He glanced over to the window, one shutter half open. 'Do you think
we'll have a nice day today? It might have rained itself out yesterday.' He
stretched with his arms over his head, which caused his shirt to ride up a
little behind. Gaddes caught his breath and then let it out with something
between relief and disappointment as he realised it was going no higher.
A pox on whoever decided shirt-tails should be so long. I thought I was going
to get a peepshow. Oh, stop perving at him, he's onlylikethis because he feels
safe with you. Just try not to stare at his ass so much, all right? His bare
ass like a ripe peach, just hiding from me behind one layer of linen. Stop it.
You can't get carried away just because of last night. As far as he knows
nothing is different. Control yourself. Just store it away and put it in a
daydream.
Allen came back to the bed and climbed in, pulling the covers up to his chin.
Gaddes pressed his back against the wall, trying not to crowd him. It was
uncomfortable, with the edge of the bed under him, but he couldn't see what
else to do.
'It's too cold to get up,' Allen said, rather defiantly, as though he thought
he was misbehaving and Gaddes would scold him. 'And I don't feel well, so I'm
just going to lie here and keep warm for a while.'
'I think you're very sensible,' said Gaddes. 'Do you want me to push off to my
own room now?'
'No, you can stay if you feel like it. It would be pretty rude of me to throw
you out.' Allen rolled onto his side, looking at Gaddes. 'Are you comfortable?
Do you want to leave?'
'No, I'm fine where I am.'
'Good,' said Allen, smiling a little. 'I don't expect we'll make a habit of
this but it's quite nice once in a while.' Abruptly his face clouded.
'What's wrong?'
'Oh no,' Allen moaned, hiding his face in his hands. 'No, no, no, no.'
'Allen? I mean Boss, are you all right?'
'Oh, I've just remembered what I did last night!'
'You - you have? Well, it's… it's nothing to be ashamed of…'
'You don't even know what it was.'
'Of course I do, I was there.'
'You were asleep.'
'I was?'
'This is why my pants were down when I woke up. This is just awful, I'm so
embarrassed.' Allen smacked his hand down on the pillow.
'What are you supposed to have done now?'
'I don't want to tell you.'
'You can't make that much of a fuss and then not tell me.'
'You won't say anything to anyone else, will you?'
'You know I never do.'
'All right,' said Allen, although he still looked upset. 'In the middle of the
night some time, I woke up needing to go to the lavatory. And I was sleepy and
perhaps still tipsy, and I couldn't be bothered to go downstairs. I went over
and opened the window.'
Gaddes looked at him, waiting. 'And?'
'Well, I did it out of the window!'
'You just mean you peed, right?'
'What else could I mean? Isn't that bad enough? Like a common drunkard.'
'Have I ever told you that you're about a million times too hard on yourself?'
'My mother would be so ashamed of me.'
'I don't know, mothers are usually pretty understanding about that type of
thing.'
'You don't understand. I always try to check myself from doing anything wrong
by asking myself "Would I be ashamed for Mother to know about this?" Or for
some things, "Would Balgus think this was good enough?" I didn't even think of
thinking that, I just stumbled over and disgraced myself and stumbled back into
bed. I've let them down.'
'I promise you it doesn't matter that much. Anyway, the mystery of your pants
is solved, and no-one saw you do it, so just forget about it. God, with the
fuss you were making I couldn't imagine what you might have done.'
Allen did not look at all convinced; he looked as though he were settling in
for a thorough session of self-reproach.
'Hey,' said Gaddes, trying to bring him out of it, 'better than if you'd wet
the bed, right?'
'Oh, my Lord,' said Allen, looking aghast, and pulled the covers over his head.
'Come out of that,' said Gaddes, trying not to laugh at him. 'You're being
ridiculous.' And adorable. This is no good. Next thing I'll want to tickle him.
'No,' said Allen, muffled.
'You'll smother.'
'I have an air-hole.' One hand emerged from under the covers and waved at him
briefly. 'If you don't mind, I'll stay here until the world ends or I stop
being embarrassed, whichever comes first.'
'You know you're not going to do that.'
'Of course I'm not,' said Allen quite comfortably, reappearing with his hair
tousled and his cheeks a little pink. 'Can't you tell when I'm joking?'
'You don't joke that much.'
'Just with you. See? I am pulling myself together. I tend to trust your
judgement, and if you say it's only a minor lapse I suppose I can believe it.'
He smiled. 'And now, if I'm not really to despise myself, I'd better get up and
start the day. You too.'
'What happened to our lie-in?'
'I was joking about that too.'
'That's evil,' Gaddes complained.
'Come on. It would be a shame to spend the first full day of a new year of my
life lying around in bed. It would get so boring.' He gave Gaddes a playful
shove and got out of bed again.
For someone who's really quite bright, you don't think of the most obvious
things.
'The wonder is,' Allen said cheerily as he returned to the washstand and
started brushing his hair, 'how I didn't fall over on my way back from the
window.' He paused with the brush in his hand. 'Wait a minute, now. When I
first said I'd done something awful, you said you knew about it, you were
there. What else did I do that was awful?'
'Oh, nothing,' said Gaddes, heaving himself out of bed. 'I was just teasing
you.'
'You sounded serious,' Allen persisted. 'If I've done something foolish I
insist on knowing, so I can berate myself suitably.'
'And that's why I won't tell you,' said Gaddes, in the doorway. 'It wasn't
terrible, anyway, just the sort of thing you would think was shameful and I
would say was nothing to worry about. So let it go, hmm?' He stepped out and
closed the door firmly behind him, although firm was not the word for how he
was feeling. He thought that as soon as he stopped trying so hard to keep his
body under sensible control he would be shaking like a leaf.
It's getting too much for me again. It's not fair. All right, last night was
fantastic, I wouldn’t swap it for anything, but he's gotnoidea how he's teasing
me and it keeps getting worse. He's probably got the right idea. Get up and get
on with it as if this were a normal day. I can't keep thinking about this. Be
practical. I'd better go and see if my other clothes are dry or if someone
pushed them into the fire last night.
Predictably, the mess was exactly what it sounded like.
 
As though they realised Gaddes would rather welcome a diversion, the Fates
decreed that the next little while should be hectically busy. The rain
continued heavy, and the river rose to such an extent that some people in the
swamp and Lamor districts had to evacuate their homes. The fort offered
temporary lodging to those who could arrange nothing else, and the place was
full to capacity with families and their damp possessions. A few disreputable-
looking men who were almost certainly bandits down on their luck, but looked so
wet and miserable that no-one had the heart to press the question, also slunk
in from the woods and made themselves at home in nooks and crannies.
The weather was too bad to go out much, and the atmosphere inside the fort was
so thick with the sheer mass of people living together that it was almost
unbearable. Gaddes spent whatever time he could in out-of-the-way places where
there was some chance of solitude. The best place he had found to skulk so far
was the hangar cave, which was out of bounds except to fort personnel. The
evening meetings with Allen simply went by the board; there were no sunsets to
watch, and even when it was dry enough to sit on the roof it would be covered
with people's bedding laid out to air and dry. They spoke to each other and as
when it became necessary, usually quite briefly.
Gaddes was treading carefully around Allen in any case, as the unusual stresses
of the situation were clearly making him feel a little tense. He took to
spending a lot of time working with Scherazade, taking the machine out into the
swamp, stalking through the raw drenching rain protected by its metal carapace.
He said it was because he hadn't spent much time in it since arriving at the
fort, and he was afraid he was getting out of practice, but Gaddes felt fairly
sure it was his own way of seeking a little solitude, a little respite from the
constant noise and movement of other people.
When the two of them were together, they were as friendly as ever, but somehow
did not stay together long. Even the company of a dear friend could feel
oppressive under these circumstances. Gaddes felt a little envious of the fact
that Allen still had his room to himself; he was sharing with an old man who
constantly chewed tobacco and spat as regularly as clockwork. He was almost
sure that if he asked, Allen would let him move into his room for the time
being, but there was enough uncertainty to make him hold the request back.
Besides, sharing a room with Allen would be a constant source of maddening
titillation, and if there was one thing to be said for an elderly, nicotine-
stained, nocturnally-flatulent roommate, it was that his noisome presence
helped keep lustful thoughts at bay.
The New Year came in, and no-one felt like making much of a fuss about it. It
didn't feel as though a new year would really begin unless the rain stopped
properly, the water level subsided to something liveable, and the populace was
out from underfoot again.
'Just think,' Gaddes grumbled one afternoon, when he happened to be in the
guymelef hangar when Allen brought Scherazade home, streaming cold water from
its blue cape. 'We never see hide nor hair of most of these buggers when the
weather's fine. You can walk miles from here and not see a soul. A few weeks of
heavy rain, and I had no idea there were so many people living in this swamp!'
He was sitting on top of a piece of peculiar armour whose exact history no-one
knew. It looked as though it was designed to be worn by a battle elephant, and
how it came to be dumped in a swamp fort's armoury was an abiding mystery.
'Well, it's a good thing that we can be here to offer them help,' Allen said,
as though he were reminding himself. 'We have a role to play in this community,
as protectors, and it's our duty to fulfil it without repining.' He had opened
the cockpit, but looked reluctant to climb out. 'And it's really not that many
people. It just feels like so many because of the confined space, and because
there's no option but to be with them most of the time. I think I'm going to
lose my room soon.'
'Really? Why?'
'Mrs Gherr will probably have her confinement soon, so I should give up my room
to her for that so the poor woman has a comfortable bed and some privacy. I
suppose I ought to have done so earlier. You do understand, though, I needed a
room apart for planning and strategy, somewhere that I could think without
being disturbed… right, Gaddes? It wasn't just me being selfish.' He eased
himself out of the kneeling guymelef and climbed to the ground.
'No, I understand,' said Gaddes. 'And it's not like you're getting to keep the
luxury.'
'Would there be space for me in your room?' Allen asked. He put one hand to the
flank of the elephant-armour, but made no attempt to climb up and join Gaddes.
It was understood that if someone had a bit of space to himself, you didn't
rush to push into it.
'Well, maybe, if you don't mind sleeping under my hammock. Or, no, you can have
the hammock, I'll take the floor under you.'
'Bother it,' said Allen, 'I'll just sleep on board Crusade. It's damned
inconvenient, but at least it might be quiet.'
'You are really fed up, aren't you, Boss?'
'It's not important how I feel,' Allen said, summoning a cheerful tone. 'You
know I wouldn't grumble to anyone but you. And it can't possibly go on much
longer, can it?'
'God knows,' said Gaddes, gloomily. Outside, there was a deep rumble of
thunder, and the constant background whisper of rain on the roof deepened to an
insistent soft roar.
'There are times,' said Allen, 'when I want to pack the whole thing in and run
away on my own again. Sleep under the stars and go whole days without seeing a
soul. Except I know how wretched and uncomfortable and lonely that really is.
Perhaps you could come with me. What do you think, shall we be desperate
robbers together?'
'You paint a romantic picture, but I don't think we've got any choice but to
stay here and try to behave ourselves.'
'Oh come now, Gaddes,' Allen said, mock-reproachfully. 'I wanted you to talk me
into doing something wicked, and here you are being sensible. You disappoint me
so.' Restlessly, he turned away and paced around in a broad circle. 'And I
might have more privacy in the ship,' he said, abruptly recurring to his
earlier thread. 'Do you know what happened last night? You wouldn't have heard,
you were out on watch. I was in my room, minding my own business, trying to
work out how to make this quarter's money stretch to feed all the people we
have here. And when I got into the military, let me say, I didn't expect to
learn housekeeping. We've simply got to get a quartermaster. I'll appoint
someone. It shouldn't be my job. I was sitting at my desk, anyway. And there
came a tap at the door. I said "come in," and a young woman entered - I can't
remember her name, the short dark one with a little mole on her cheekbone like
this.' He pointed on his own face.
'Gia someone,' said Gaddes. 'Or somebody Gia.'
'Anyway,' Allen went on, 'she said hello, and asked if she might stay there for
a while because she was so tired of her sister's children climbing all over
her. I thought it was a bit forward of her, and I rather resented the
intrusion, but I sympathised and said she was welcome. She wandered about the
room, picking up things and putting them down in different places, which I
found very trying, and humming a tune which kept distracting me from my work.
Eventually I had had enough, and when she had worked her way around beside me,
I turned my chair towards her and asked whether I could do anything for her.
Rather tersely, you know, to imply that I was busy and would like to be done
with her. Do you know what happened? She said "You know you can" and plumped
herself down on my knee and kissed me!'
'The hussy,' said Gaddes distantly. He was trying to suppress quite a violent
surge of jealousy. Hussy didn’t come close to the names he wanted to call the
girl. How dare she walk in there and try to help herself when he was having to
be so careful. But the violence was ameliorated by a quiet, soothing faith that
she wouldn't have gotten anywhere with Allen with that kind of approach. His
indignant tone had told the end of the story as soon as he'd begun speaking. I
don't have to worry about losing him toher. 'So what did you do?'
'I almost didn't know what to do,' Allen said. 'It sounds funny now, I suppose,
but at the time I was simply shocked. Well, I lifted her off my knee quite
sharply, and said "Forgive me, madam, but I must ask you to leave immediately."
I saw her to the door - protesting at first and then getting angry and calling
me some names I would rather not have heard from the lips of a woman - put her
out, shut it behind her and locked it. What a disgraceful way to behave. We're
barely acquainted, and I'd given her absolutely no reason to believe I should
welcome such overtures. At first I thought I should tell her parents, but that
would only lead to more ill-feeling. And,' he added, pointing at Gaddes as
though to overrule an objection, which he had not even thought of making,
'please don't tell me I'm hypocritical because of what happened with Marlene.
That was an entirely different situation with an entirely different sort of
girl.' After defending himself he suddenly looked irresolute. 'Do you think I
did the right thing?'
'Absolutely,' said Gaddes firmly. 'You don't want to get your name mixed up
with a bold little minx like that.'
'Do you think she'll tell people?'
'I shouldn't think so. If she's got any sense she'd be embarrassed to.'
'But you know,' said Allen, pacing away again and launching himself onto a
different tangent of worry, 'this highlights a serious problem we have at the
moment. I am sure there are relations between some of the men and the women who
are staying here. It's so problematic having women in camp. Of course we must
always be ready to assist the ladies, but what if they won't behave like
ladies? And I know I can't expect our men to be perfect gentlemen, but they
might at least see how harmful such liaisons can be in the present
circumstances. I know Oruto is courting Mrs Dell, for want of a better word for
what he's doing, and it's only a matter of time before Mr Dell sees it, and
what will happen then?' He paused and looked up at Gaddes with bemusement.
'What does she see in him?'
'There's no accounting for taste,' said Gaddes, non-committally.
'I have nothing against the man, but… ugh,' said Allen, with a fastidious
little shake of his shoulders.
'No-one expects you to fancy him, Boss.'
'To return to my point,' Allen said, letting that drop, 'it's no good for
discipline, and it's no good for how we appear in the eyes of the local people.
Why can't people just control themselves a little? They're thrown together and
so they simply begin to behave like animals! This is just the sort of thing
we've talked about.'
'If it makes you feel better, I'm not getting any.'
'Well, I know I can depend on you.' Allen gave him a brief, tight smile. 'You
know how I feel about this kind of thing. Gaddes?'
'Yes?'
'It… might not be my place to say anything, or perhaps you'll feel I'm just
worrying needlessly again, but it seems to me you're very unhappy lately. I
hate to see that. I know there's nothing I can do about the present overall
situation, we all just have to wait for it to change, but is there anything
else I could do that would make things easier or more pleasant for you? I'm
asking as your friend, not as your commander.'
'There's really nothing, Boss. It's just how things are at the moment, like you
said.' I hate it when life gets ironic. Still, this is part of why I love him.
He thinks of stuff like this.
'Would you like to sleep with me?'
'Um - what?'
'You could move down to sleep on Crusadeas well. There's more than one cabin.
Although really, one of us should be easy to find at all times, so we could
take it in turns sleeping there. Wouldn't you like that? It could be awfully
cold in the cave, I suppose, but it would certainly be quiet and peaceful. The
sound of the waterfall is indistinguishable from the rain.'
Well… I knew you couldn't mean that how it sounded. Only you would use a phrase
like 'sleep with me' that way. I'm starting to wonder if someone up there just
enjoys tormenting me.
'Um… yeah, that sounds quite good. But doesn't it mean you'd have to sleep in
my room every other night?'
'Your room isn't as bad as all that.'
'It's got Merve in it.'
'Merve isn't as bad as all that.'
'It's got vampire bats in it,' Gaddes said, grinning and flicking his eyebrows.
'Vampire bats aren't as bad as all that,' said Allen, beginning to laugh. 'You
idiot, what are you going on about?'
'I don't know. Trying to make you laugh.' He felt that he was smiling
foolishly. 'It's got to get better soon, hasn't it?'
'I really miss talking with you like this,' said Allen. 'That's the one thing I
most want to get back. I hope we will get it back.' He stood there a moment
longer, looking rather self-conscious, before beginning to turn away. 'I'd
better be going. I have to make my report for this month.'
'I could write it for you,' said Gaddes. 'Five words. "It rained. We stayed
in."'
'Two more words,' said Allen. "'We're bored."'
'Roll on Spring.'
***** Chapter 8 *****
Spring came in with a roar, and slammed the door behind it. At first it seemed
that the rainstorms were being replaced by windstorms, and the winter was only
going to stretch on long after the usual beginning of the greening period. Then
it became clear; the wind was blasting away the rainclouds, gusting in a fresh
new air that smelled of the coastal farmlands and wetlands, already blooming.
The wind was powerful; on one occasion Gaddes saw Natal flying by backwards,
and looking very embarrassed about it.
At last the floodwaters receded, and with deep relief on both sides, the local
people said goodbye to the men of the fort and set to the damp and squelchy
task of reclaiming their homes and properties. The probable bandits, too, slunk
away; it was probably too much to expect that gratitude would move them to give
up robbery, but they might at least push off and do it elsewhere.
On the first evening everyone was really gone, Gaddes made his way to the
rooftop. He had no idea if Allen would have gone there too, but it felt
important to go and reclaim their own place. The wind was howling and whistling
around every corner, blasting over the rooftop, and it hit him hard in the face
as he raised his head over the edge. Until then he had been climbing in the lee
of the building and it took his breath away for a moment, making him close his
eyes reflexively. When he looked again, his heart leapt at the sight of Allen
sitting huddled up against the wind, his hair streaming and snapping like a
banner before his face. Gaddes scrambled over the edge and made his way towards
him, having to lean forward to make headway. He stopped bent double with his
hands braced on his legs.
'You look miserable up here!' He felt pretty storm-battered himself, but he
couldn't keep the smile off his face.
'WHAT?' shouted Allen.
'I SAID YOU LOOK MISERABLE UP HERE!'
'I'M DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY!' Allen bawled back. 'THEY'RE ALL GONE AND WE CAN HEAR
OURSELVES THINK AGAIN!'
At this point a gust nearly lifted the two of them off the rooftop, and it was
decided that until the weather calmed down a little they would put off resuming
the regular meetings.
 
Quite abruptly, the wind blew itself out and something that really looked like
spring began. The last gale had taken with it all the tension and boredom and
stir-craziness that had made the fort feel like prison, and venturing outside
without getting soaked or frozen felt like such a treat that patrolling became
positively popular. The rise in bandit activity that coincided with the
improvement in the weather was almost immediately met and quelled by an upsurge
in the soldiers' determination and energy.
Gaddes was surprised to discover that part of the frustration and discontent he
had experienced over winter was caused by missing the swamp. He'd actually
gotten to like ranging around out there, now that it was no longer a
bewildering and hostile jumble of browns and greens in which he could hardly
distinguish a pleasant, sandy clearing from a patch of hungry quicksand. It was
a real landscape in which he could find his way; he had learned safe paths and
watercourses, gained a basic understanding of the treesign system, and worked
out how to make a punt and a raft do what he wanted. It was another, unexpected
way in which he could divide his life into Before Allen and After Allen parts;
before Allen, whenever he was out in the swamp (seldom enough), he had always
just been thinking of how he could get out again without getting into too much
trouble. Now he actually looked forward to exploring out there; even if there
were dangers, he felt more confident of his ability to avoid them.
In springtime, exploring also became a passion with Allen. Although the
geography of the well-travelled areas of the swamp was reasonably well-known to
anyone who had business there, there were few if any maps worthy of the name,
and large areas of these were unhelpfully vague. This was part of the bandits'
advantage, of course, that they knew more about the terrain than any travellers
coming into the area could be expected to, and they certainly knew more about
the routes in and around the swamp, living in it, than the men of the fort had
to begin with.
This was changing. Allen came up with the notion of drawing up the first
comprehensive and accurate map of the area, and pursued it with his customary
vigour and directness.
'It will be useful for us, a service to the local people and visitors, and
probably not bad fun,' was the way he put it.
Patrols did double duty as survey teams, of a rudimentary sort, and a large,
hand-drawn map pinned on the mess-hall wall was constantly being corrected,
added to and improved. Every so often it would get so covered in corrections
and additions (and graffiti from bored people) that it had to be redrawn from
scratch, and the sight of the fresh new map seemed to spur people to find still
more to fill the gaps. The men could see the practical use of what they were
working on; it was already making their regular routine easier, as they built
common points of reference and an accurate picture of their surroundings. In
addition, it was understood that whoever first identified and mapped a feature
of the landscape, if it did not already have a locally known name, had the
right to name it himself. This was the popular part, for reasons of ego and
humour.
Some of the new names were patriotic, such as Aston Inlet and Bayou Therese, or
descriptive, such as Alligator Landing and Circle Pond. Others were named for
personal references, tributes and jokes, like Teo's Mistake, Rebeka Island and
Runaground Creek. Still others - and these were the ones that Allen got
uncomfortable with and tried hard to persuade their originators to change -
acquired such elegant and charming names as Shit Creek (which Reeden stoutly
defended on the grounds that there had to be a real one somewhere, for people
to get up without a paddle) and Little Tits, a pair of small hills which no-one
would own up to having named.
The patriotic names were mostly Allen's choices, although he had also essayed a
couple of personal ones and named a waterfall and a pond after his mother and
sister. Gaddes had not named anything. He was mostly Allen's partner on
exploratory forays, and tended to give him credit for any discoveries they
made. Even when he had found something alone, he usually let Allen make up a
name, saying 'You're better at that kind of thing than I am, and you enjoy it.'
So there was a Gaddes Gorge, but that was only Allen being nice (and
alliterative). Otherwise, his only contributions to the map had been
collaborative. He was happy with that. He found it hard to think of snappy
descriptive names, didn't care about the royal family, and the only person, the
only associated incidents he wanted to immortalise were not the sort of thing
he wanted to put up on the mess hall wall where everyone could see.
His mental map of the swamp, then, had such placenames as Little Valley Where
He Took My Hand To Help Me Over A Fallen Tree, Hill Where He Turned His Face To
The Sun And Smiled So Sweetly The Sun Must Love Him Too, and Big Willow Tree On
The Creekbank Where We Tied Up Our Raft To Eat Lunch On An Almost Perfect Day.
On this almost perfect day, he sat with his back against the lumpy grey trunk
of the willow, and looked up through shards and splinters of shifting light at
Allen, who had made himself comfortable in the curve of a cradle-like bough
overhanging the water and was periodically rocking himself with a slight push
of his foot against the treetrunk. He was idly watching the stream flow by, a
placid amber-brown current that gleamed softly in the mild spring sunshine.
'Aren't we lucky, you and I,' he said, with a sigh of contentment. 'To see a
day like this, and to know we're doing something truly worthwhile in it.'
'Worthwhile? I think you just enjoy tramping about in the swamp,' Gaddes said,
smiling.
'There's some truth in that. I happen to think it's a beautiful place, now I've
learned how to look at it. I would never have expected that when first I came
here. There aren't any raisins left, by any chance?'
'No, you had the last ones five minutes ago.'
'Well, being outdoors so much gives one a good appetite. It's one of the
pleasures of this job. Like coming home covered in mud.'
'Which we know you do all the time. I don't think.'
'It would just be greedy to try for every pleasure at once,' Allen said self-
righteously, and then grinned. 'And you like being out here too. I can see it.'
'Yep. I'm pretty happy.'
'Are you sure?' Allen said. 'There's nothing still bothering you? You do seem
much more cheerful now that dreadful winter's over. I hope that's not going to
happen every year.'
'Well, it didn't last year, or at least if it did we didn't hear about it.
Let's keep our fingers crossed.'
'Gaddes… if there was anything making you unhappy, you would tell me, wouldn't
you?'
'Of course. Don't worry about it.' Gaddes closed his eyes against the dappled
sunlight and let it warm his face.
 
The lantern-light bobbed just ahead of him.
'You're quiet tonight,' said Allen, half-turning to look over his shoulder.
'Are you having deep thoughts, or just wishing I wouldn't drag you out in the
middle of the night?'
'Neither, really. Just walking along. Trying not to fall down a hole or
anything,' he said, with a light laugh.
'As if you would,' said Allen, also lightly, but he seemed dissatisfied with
the answer, and looked at Gaddes a moment longer before turning his attention
back to the path ahead.
'I don't really know if there's anything away back here,' he said. 'There's no
indication of bandit activity in the area… really no indication of human
presence. We may be in one of those little pockets of swamp that don't belong
to people at all.'
'It's nice,' said Gaddes.
'You can think of a better word than nice.'
'All right. It's bosky.'
'What's that supposed to mean?'
'I don't know… it's got a lot of bosk?' He frowned, wondering why he seemed to
be out of phase with Allen tonight.
'Gaddes…' Allen said, then failed to follow through on the opening.
'What?'
'I was thinking again about the winter, and how you seemed unhappy.' He had
stopped walking, a few paces ahead, and was looking at the ground before him.
'Well, I was. So were you. The whole situation stank. Thank God it's over!'
'But I think you're still unhappy. That source of trouble is gone, but I don't
think you're happy, just contented. I know what that's like. I know because
even when the present around me is warm and sweet, there's still a cold
darkness beneath me. You understand me so well, and when it wells up and I get
despondent you always comfort and cheer me. I've been much better this spring,
don't you think? It hasn't been on my mind nearly as much, and part of that is
because I've told you all about it and I have your moral support. I can't help
feeling that your situation must be the same, except you don't have the comfort
of a friend who understands. I keep thinking that when I see this sadness in
you, it must be because you have the same problem… what you call your Tragic
Past… and I can't help but think that if you would only tell me about it…' He
paused, measuring his breath. 'I've asked you before if there's anything I can
do to make things better or easier for you. Please let me do this little thing
for you; just let me listen and understand.' He turned then, looking hopefully,
eagerly at Gaddes.
Gaddes closed his eyes for a moment. You could really lay off the irony, you
know, God. It’s notthatclever.
'Allen, that's great of you, but I honestly have nothing to tell you. Please
don't worry about me any more. I'm fine. I am happy. I was exaggerating about
my Tragic Past. I just called it that to be funny. Come on, how could I have a
tragedy in my past? Someone like me? Samivel Gaddes, common as muck?' He tried
to laugh.
'Gaddes, please don’t joke about it!'
'I thought you liked it that we could have a joke together.'
'This isn't the time for it! Gaddes… I trusted you, almost as soon as we met,
with some of my deepest secrets. I felt in my heart that you were trustworthy,
that you were kind, that you would be the friend I had always needed. I've told
you everything about myself. I know next to nothing about you because you just
won't tell me anything! Don't you trust me?'
'You know I trust you,' said Gaddes, stunned. 'I trust you with my life. That's
not what it's about at all.' It gave him a sick wrench of guilt and pain to see
Allen looking so wrought up. He had thought that his seeming contentment this
spring had meant he was doing everything right, making him happy. 'A-aren't I
the friend you need? I thought I was helping…'
'Of course you are! You're wonderful! That's exactly the problem, that you
won't let me try to be the same to you.'
'You are wonderful to me,' Gaddes said lamely. 'You're a good friend. Don't
worry about it. Okay?'
'Stop telling me not to worry about it! You know I'm a worrier!' Allen snapped.
He turned on his heel and stamped away, swinging the lantern angrily so that
the light bounced and swung from one crookedly leaning treetrunk to the next.
It made bright bars of nearby trunks, but its light fell weakly away into
darkness in between.
'Don't just go off mad!' Gaddes protested. He picked up his pace, trying to
catch up to Allen. He hadn't a clue how to solve this. If only he could think
of something to say to make Allen forget about it. He could not give him what
he was asking for.
'Boss, don't you see this is one of your things that's like a girl? Always
wanting to talk about people's feelings, and why they say what, and stuff? I
thought you didn't want to be like that.'
'It is not like that!' Allen cried, wheeling around for a moment. 'I don't want
to talk like this with anyone but you. You encouraged me to be like this. You
told me it was all right! Don't try to take it back just because it becomes
inconvenient for you.' He turned again and strode on before Gaddes could think
of an answer.
The way up ahead was opening out; the jouncing light showed a clearing. As the
lantern's beam fell into open space, Gaddes caught up and put his hand on
Allen's shoulder. He had no plan for what to say, and considered it a mercy
that he was distracted at that moment, as was Allen, by the view in front of
them.
'Oh, look,' said Allen quietly. Outside the trees' shadow, there was really no
need for the lantern; the clearing was bathed in strong moonlight. The
moonlight was caught by the soft misty vapour hanging over a large still pool
of water, creating a sort of shifting silver glow. There was a faint, rustling
gurgle of water moving somewhere. The pool appeared to be a natural rocky
basin, unusual in this land of mud and shifting landmarks. Some parts of the
growing fort map would never be permanently marked, but would have to be
pencilled in as temporary and adjusted from year to year as watercourses
changed seasonally or altered their path entirely. This, though, gave you the
feeling that it had been here, just like this, time out of mind, and if you
came back again in a year, five years, at the end of your lifetime, it would
still look much the same. It was obvious that nothing lived in this pool; the
water was still yet clear, and that gurgle must be some little overflow that
ran away to join another stream. Otherwise it was quite cut off.
'A white lady,' Allen breathed, 'bending over to see her reflection.' He was
looking at the tree which grew at the far side of the pool, a tree covered in
white blossom. It looked to Gaddes like a large old magnolia, although he
wasn't sure if those bloomed at night; in a place like this, at a time like
this, it seemed as though it might be enchanted, the only one of its kind,
sustained not by light, soil and water, but by the dreaming air of the place.
Gaddes shook his head. I don't normally think things like that.
Although the tree had the intricately angular shape of a magnolia, its flowers
were not the large waxy kind that gave rise to the colloquial name 'tulip
tree.' From a distance, they looked confusingly like the petals of old-
fashioned roses. Many lay scattered over the surface of the water, gently
turning and drifting like tiny white coracles, unmanned. As Allen and Gaddes
watched, a slight breeze made the surface of the water shiver like skin, and a
new drift of petals was shed by the tree, pattering down on the water almost
inaudibly. With his hand on Allen's shoulder, Gaddes felt him shiver too. The
night was cool, but not cold. It was a shiver of emotion, drawn out in response
to beauty. I know how that feels. If only I could kiss your skin like the
petals kiss the water… make you shiver…
'Do you smell sulphur?' Allen said abruptly.
'Um,' said Gaddes, pulling himself together, and sniffed at the air. 'Yes, now
that you mention it.'
'I had no idea there were natural hot springs in the swamp,' Allen said. 'Isn't
it amazing what we discover out here?' He seemed to have forgotten entirely
that he was cross; he was simply enchanted by what he saw. He turned his head
eagerly, to look up at Gaddes. 'Have you ever been to a place like this?'
'Um, no. They're for invalids, aren't they? Taking the waters, and stuff? Bunch
of old people hawking and spitting in bath chairs?'
'In Asturia, yes, mostly. The hot springs in Fanelia are different, though.
People sit in the steam, in a special shelter, to let out all the poisons and
impurities in their bodies through good clean sweat. Then they go out and jump
in a cold pool or if it's winter roll in the snow. Balgus told me about this.
It's meant to be very bracing and invigorating.'
'Well, people always told me Fanelians were mental, and now I see what they
mean,' said Gaddes wryly.
'Mental or not, I haven't been able to have a real bath for months, and I
choose to look on this as a heaven-sent opportunity,' said Allen decisively,
and strode out into the clearing, unfastening his belt.
'You what? You're just going to get undressed out here in the middle of the
woods?'
'The best place for it,' said Allen, smiling over his shoulder at him. 'Who's
going to see me?'
'Well, me!'
'I don't mind you,' said Allen, laughing. He undid the waist of his overskirt,
folded it briskly over his arm and laid it on the ground with his belt and
sword. 'After all, I saw you in the altogether when I was looking after you.'
He went to the water's edge, pulled off one glove and tested the water with his
fingertips. 'Temperature's perfect.'
'I'll turn my back,' said Gaddes, and did so. Yes,thatwill make everything all
right. I can't believe this is happening! He folded his arms across his chest,
trying to literally get a grip on himself. His right hand gripped his left arm
above the elbow so tightly that it hurt; his left hand dug at his ribcage,
trapped under his arm. Trapped and holding on at the same time.
There was a short silence from Allen. Somehow it had a peevish quality. Gaddes
could hear him stripping off his other glove, then a gravelly sound that must
be him sitting on the ground to remove his boots, tugging impatiently.
'I don't know why you're so shy about this,' Allen said. He sounded as though
he had remembered he was in a bad temper. 'It's ridiculous. At your age. And
it's completely inconsistent with the rest of your character. You're not a
prude.'
'I've got a right to have a quirk,' Gaddes mumbled.
'This isn't a quirk, it's just pathetic,' said Allen. He got to his feet with a
scuff and scatter of stones, and started popping the fastenings on the top half
of his uniform; they sounded like angry, jerky movements.
'I'm trying to be a gentleman,' said Gaddes desperately.
'Are you calling me ungentlemanly!?'
'No! Why are you so touchy tonight? What's wrong with giving you a bit of
privacy? I mean, I'll turn round once you're in the water.' He heard a long,
sliding rustle that must be Allen's trousers falling to the ground, an
impetuous scuffle that must be Allen kicking them away. He bit his lip. A clink
of cufflinks, the whisper of his silk cravat, the papery pop of shirt buttons.
'This is just the sort of thing I was talking about,' Allen muttered.
'I think there's a bit of a difference between telling you things and looking
at you naked.'
'You're being obtuse on purpose,' Allen said angrily. Gaddes heard him throw
down his shirt and step out of his underwear. Oh God, oh God, he's naked behind
me.
'It's not as if there's anything wrong with me,' Allen went on. 'Nothing you
haven't seen before! The world won't end if you look at me.'
I want to look at you so much I could just about grow eyes in the back of my
head.
'So don't join me to do something I enjoy, don't try something a little bit
different that might even be good for you, just stand there like a lump because
you couldn't possibly risk seeing a normal healthy human body.' Sarcasm, from
Allen, sounded quite bizarre to Gaddes.
'I'm sorry, Allen. None of this was meant to upset you. And I'm not trying to
spoil your bath or whatever. I can't change how I feel.'
'Fine. Never mind.' He heard Allen walk down to the water's edge, then a series
of sloshing wading steps and a final splash of a body being lowered in. 'There.
Modesty is satisfied.'
Gaddes let out his breath and relaxed marginally, then turned towards the pool.
Allen was standing a few feet in, the water only lapping around the tops of his
thighs. His arms were folded across his chest and he was directing a kind of
sullen, challenging glare at Gaddes. Automatically, Gaddes had clapped a hand
over his face, but he could and did still see between his fingers; he was too
much of a traitor to his own good intentions to blind himself effectively.
Turning away again was out of the question.
Oh, my God, my god of love. He's perfect, perfect, everything I want. Stop
staring. Stop. At least don't look straight at his cock. But I can't help it,
the most private, secret part of his body, most vulnerable, most powerful over
me… your eyesgoto what you know you're not meant to look at. God. Dark gold
curls,redgold. I could never have imagined that, in all my daydreams of
undressing him. And there it is with the warm water just kissing the tip… I
really wish I hadn't thought 'kissing the tip.' Look anywhere else. All of him,
perfect, strong and smooth and shining with warm young life. Now is when I
should stride right into that water and kiss him for all I'm worth. And, what,
make him scream and punch me into next week? Cut myself off from him forever?
'There,' said Allen. 'Is the sky falling? I don't believe so. Stop being
childish, get undressed and get in the water. If you don't like baths, you can
just take one as a punishment.' He turned and waded further in - a damn'
PEACH!, shouted an anguished voice in Gaddes' head - then swam away to the
other side of the pool, a sleek golden head becoming fainter through the soft
steam. 'I won't look.' His voice drifted back, mockingly.
I can't fight with you any more. As far as I can, I'll do what you want. He
stripped off his clothes quickly and hurried into the water, thrown off balance
as much by his confused feelings as by the shifting stones under his feet. He
could make out Allen's head bobbing under the branches of the white tree, and
swam towards him. His hair was clinging to his shoulders in wet golden strands,
and stray white petals clung to his skin.
'I'm sorry,' Gaddes said. 'Really sorry. I-'
'No,' said Allen, surprising him. 'I should apologise. That was a very childish
trick. I'm embarrassed now. It - it shouldn't be that important. Anyway,' he
said, with a nervous laugh, 'I suppose we're even now. That was what was
troubling me.'
'Oh,' said Gaddes. 'I see.' Well, that's a lie, but I'm playing it by ear here.
'I paddled out here and looked up through the tree branches at the moons, and
realised anew how beautiful it is here, and what a stupid waste it is to be
angry with you in a place like this.'
'Does that mean you'll go back to being mad if we go someplace ugly?' Gaddes
asked, attempting a crooked smile.
'Don't try me,' said Allen, smiling back. He was rather rosy-cheeked, whether
because he had embarrassed himself or because of the warm water; perhaps more
of the former because his manner had become a little diffident. He ducked his
head and looked at the surface of the water; for a panicky moment Gaddes
thought he was looking through the water and could clearly see the state he was
in, but he realised that his attention was on the floating blossom. Allen
pursed his lips and blew softly, sending one white petal scudding over the
water trailing semicircular ripples. It ran aground against Gaddes' collarbone
and adhered to his skin. Without any exchange of words, this turned into a sort
of game, a distraction from or displacement of their sudden awkwardness
together, with points being scored by landing a petal against one's opponent's
chest, neck or shoulder. After some time they felt ready to speak again, to
joke a little.
'Helping them along by waving your hands under the water is cheating,' Allen
muttered.
'So's using your hair as a shield.'
'I think that one should count - you dodged. It's not fair to move the goal.'
'To compensate for your hair advantage.'
'I get a handicap because you're better at blowing than I am.'
And I do believe I'll just overlook that outrageous double entendre. No matter
how much I might like to convince you of my ability in that department.
Carrying on as if the situation were normal and he were relaxed seemed to be
making him more aroused instead of less. There was no way he could meet Allen's
eyes at this stage.
'Rinse off and start again equal,' suggested Allen, splashing a small wave
against him, carrying away the bruised petals.
'Don't you think we've played that game enough?'
'Oh, perhaps,' said Allen. He turned and swam away easily; Gaddes rather envied
his smooth, confident stroke. He could swim well enough to keep himself safe,
but he knew he was out of place in the water. He was always happier if he had
the option of putting his feet on the bottom; at least the water here was
shallow enough to permit that. He saw Allen turn over and scull along on his
back, looking up at the sky.
What's going to happen? Where in the world does this go? What do I do when it's
time to get out, insist on the no-looking rule again and annoy him all over
again? Assuming I ever do make a declaration of love, I don't want it to be as
crude as just showing him I want him. He closed his eyes, trying to be aware of
nothing but the lapping of warm water around him, trying not to track the
rippling sounds of Allen's progress around the pool. This was impossible. My
merman. He tried to imagine the moons' view of Allen, suspended in the water
with his hair fanning out beneath him like golden seaweed. That would make it a
sun and two moons in love with him; it must be the attraction of a heavenly
body. One day I'm going to figure out what's wrong with me that makes me think
of puns at a time like this.
'There's a good place to sit over here,' Allen said, from a few metres away.
Gaddes opened his eyes and looked for him.
'You see, there are some large rocks under the surface,' Allen went on, 'and
they're quite comfortable and smooth to sit on. The higher one if you want to
get your head and shoulders into the cooler air and clear your head, the lower
one if you just want to sit and soak and dream.' He had settled himself on the
lower submerged boulder. 'There's room for you beside me.'
'Right,' said Gaddes. He was beginning to feel a little fatalistic about the
whole thing, as if he might as well just go with the flow.
When they had sat in silence a little while, Allen seemed to become slightly
restless and fidgety, changing position every few seconds.
'What's the matter?' said Gaddes. 'Have you had enough?'
'No, no. Are you happy? I mean, you like this, and you aren't just staying in
to humour me, right?'
'No, I like it very much, now I'm in.'
'Good,' said Allen, without seeming really reassured. After a moment he began
again.
'I want to explain about before, and why I was so insistent and unreasonable.'
'There's nothing you need to explain. I'm sorry I pissed you off, but let's
forget about it.'
'But I wantto. And you've always let me talk when I wanted to before.
'It all comes back to my feeling that you don't trust me.' Allen stopped and
took a deep breath. 'It hurts that you don't trust me, Gaddes. It feels as
though I turn to you with my arms open and you turn away with your arms folded.
It - it feels as though I stand before you naked, and you stand there in a suit
of armour.' His voice was getting quieter, and there was a catch in it. 'You
don't love me the way I love you.'
'Everyone's different,' said Gaddes. 'So maybe it's not in me to love you the
way you love me. But I do love you my way, more than anyone. Is that not
enough?' It's so bizarre how the exact truth can sound as if it means something
completely different.
'But I think you could,' said Allen. 'And I feel guilty about the way things
are. You've done so much for me, but won't let me do anything kind for you. I
feel that I can't go on accepting your kindness without offering anything in
return. It makes us unequal. You know all about me, all my weakness and shame,
and you care for me regardless. How can I say I really love you if I don't
really know you?'
Always hung up on saying you love me. You drive me crazy the way you mix up
love and friendship. 'The reason why I don't tell you everything about myself,'
Gaddes said slowly, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice, 'is that I want
you to love me, like you say you do. I don't want how you feel about me to
change.'
'How do you know it would?' Allen exclaimed. 'Remember the trouble we've had in
the past because one of us assumed he knew how the other would feel about
something? The person I love is you, as I know you, here and now. Your history
doesn't come into it, nor your rank nor your class nor how you look - I don't
mean I have no favourable view of those things but that even if they were all
different I know you'd still be the person I love. I want to know you better so
I can love you better. Please, Gaddes, stop holding me at arm's length!' There
was a shining in his eyes suggestive of tears; he put out a hand and touched
Gaddes' shoulder.
Unable to bear it, Gaddes pulled away.
Allen's hand dropped. 'You really don't love me,' he said hollowly. 'You could
have told me before, instead of letting me build my happiness on a false
foundation.'
'That's not true,' said Gaddes. 'Please believe me, it's not true.'
'Is there nothing you can do, or say, to show me that you trust me?' Allen
asked piteously. 'I know I shouldn't worry about it so much but I can't stop
thinking about it. You're such a mystery to me. You show me your cheerful face
and tell me there's nothing sad behind it, but every instinct I have tells me
otherwise. Sometimes it makes me so angry… what happened just before was like
that. I have told you everything because I know you would never use it to hurt
me. I can let down my guard, let all my façade drop away, and know I am safe
with you. You're the only person who looks after me. But all I can think is
that you don't feel safe with me.
'I feel terrible for not making you happy, and I feel furious with you for not
trusting me when I've never done anything to warrant your suspicion. I looked
after you when you were sick, and I felt as though that brought us very close
together, so that we didn't need to be embarrassed about anything. Like when
you stayed with me the night of my birthday, and you didn't lose respect for me
because I got myself into such a mess. I was so happy that morning, and all day
whenever I thought about it. And all through that horrible winter the thought
of it would cheer me and comfort me when I was tired or fed up. It was all the
harder because with so many people about and everywhere taken up with their
things, we couldn't have that intimacy any more. I wanted so much to return to
that… tonight, for example… and I got upset, and then angry, because it felt as
if you'd changed your mind and were pushing me away again.'
'It's not that I don't trust you. I want to protect you,' Gaddes mumbled. He
had never felt so ashamed of himself. 'I don't want to ruin everything.'
'But considering the way I feel now,' Allen said, 'if you don't tell me
anything I think everything is ruined anyway.'
Gaddes pressed his wet hands to his face, trying to think. There was no way to
avoid it; life had brought him round to the point where he had to tell the
truth. I never quite understood that saying about damned if you do and damned
if you don't before.His old hope that Allen would at least be tolerant enough
not to condemn him for his inclinations was no comfort now; their present
relationship had become too precious to him for the end of it to give him
anything but pain.
'All right,' he said finally. 'If you want to know everything, then all right.
Wait there; I have to get something you need to see.'
Swimming to the other side of the spring felt like crossing an ocean; he felt
his helplessness in a foreign element and wondered if drowning was an easy
death. He wasn't considering suicide, which he had always regarded as
unnecessarily dramatic, but thoughts of ending weighed upon his mind. The only
helpful thing about this bleak state was that at least the erection which had
started to make its presence felt around the instant Allen had started
undressing had given up the ghost. Even the most brainless optimism, which
seemed to be his body's usual philosophy, had to give in at some point.
The folded letter was still inside his breastplate, the paper moulded to the
shape of his chest. He swam back one-handed, holding it above the water. Allen
still sat on the submerged rock waiting; Gaddes stopped a few feet before him,
trying to memorise, to imprint on his mind the last time he saw Allen as simply
his friend. Moonshine in his eyes and white petals caught in his hair. In the
end, this is all I have.
'Here,' he said, 'you should read this.' He put the letter in Allen's hand.
'What is it?' Allen asked. 'It looks very worn along the edges, as if it's been
folded like this for a long time. And it's crinkled as if it's been soaked and
dried out.'
'Please stop playing detective and just read it.'
'Well, I'll sit up on the higher stone so I don't wet it,' said Allen,
uncertainly, changing his position so that he was only immersed to the waist.
The bright moonlight was sufficient to read by, if he squinted a little.
'Fine. I'll sit down here and wait.' Sitting on the lower rock, Gaddes drew up
his knees, rested his elbows on them and put his head down on his crossed
forearms. The gentle vapour of the water was warm and damp against his face. He
closed his eyes, wishing he could also close his ears and not hear the rustle
of unfolding paper and Allen's quiet breathing as he read. Am I going to hear
it in his breathing first? Yes, there's the break, the change. Goodbye. He
hadn't expected to cry, because it was something he very seldom did, but he
felt a burning behind his eyelids that suggested he might.
Time went by, slowly. He felt soft petals fall on his shoulders and arms, and
goosebumps rose on the wet skin, as a light breath of wind passed through the
clearing. He heard Allen murmur 'Oh, my Lord…' Gaddes turned his head to the
side briefly, like an overarm swimmer taking a breath, and took a quick look at
him; he was intently reading, his brows drawn together in concentration,
absent-mindedly biting his thumb.
At least he's reading all the way through. At least he didn't get to the first
incriminating bit and blow up at me. He would be kind like that. He would try
to be fair, and give me a chance. That's why I love him.
At long last, he heard Allen refold the paper and grow still. He lifted his
head, unable to turn to look him in the eye, and said 'Well, now you know
everything, and I'm sorry.'
'Gaddes, this is just awful,' said Allen, his voice tight with pain.
'I'm sorry.'
'What are you sorry for? I can't believe the way he treated you. How could he?
How could anyone be so selfishly cruel? This isn't - Gaddes, this isn't the man
I hit in Lamor, is it?'
'The same one,' said Gaddes, puzzled. This wasn't the track he had expected
Allen to get onto.
'My God,' said Allen. 'Well, I'm glad I did, but if I'd known all this I would
have wanted to cut him down where he stood. My poor, poor Gaddes…'
'You… did read the letter all the way through, right? I mean, to the end?'
Trying to make himself brave, Gaddes stole a look at Allen from the corner of
his eye. He didn't look angry. He looked stunned, but not repelled. How could
that be?
'Of course I did.'
'Then… then what do you think about it?'
'I honestly don't know what to think,' Allen said. He turned the folded letter
around in his hands and smoothed the creases. 'I didn't know this was possible
- for men to be in love with each other, I mean.'
'Pardon? But you were reading me something about it from a book once, peeder-
something.'
'That book was just dignifying physical desire with the name "love." I - I knew
there were relations between men, obviously, but I thought it was only driven
by lust, and - and taking pleasure in violation, like rape, like what you
describe with this terrible man. I didn't know true love came into it. Is all
this still… accurate? Your feelings haven't changed since you wrote it? It
looks old.'
'It's still true. It's more true. The only thing that's changed is I love you
more.'
'You did a very good job of hiding it,' Allen said, 'either that or I'm very
stupid.'
'You're not stupid,' said Gaddes miserably, 'just innocent. There's no reason
why you should have known. I never wanted to hurt you.'
'No-one's ever told me they felt this way about me,' said Allen. 'Not even
Marlene. I can still hardly believe it.'
'This… really isn't the reaction I'd expected,' said Gaddes. He had a stay-of-
execution kind of feeling. Surely nothing good could come of this, and yet
nothing terrible seemed to be happening immediately. Allowing himself to wind
down very slightly from red-alert status, he rested his chin on his arms, still
looking up at Allen.
'And I was accusing you of not loving me!' Allen exclaimed. 'Oh, God…' He
lapsed into silence again.
'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. We can just - I mean, please, if you'll let me
just keep being your friend - if you'll just not turn away from me - '
'Gaddes, stop, please, I need to say something.' Allen was biting his lip,
looking more anxious and churned-up than Gaddes had ever seen him. 'I will not
turn away from you. Please never think that of me. None of this lessens or
changes or does anything to my respect and esteem for you. But… but what you
say here at the end, about "It's the way you would feel love, maybe." It's
making me wonder… about the way I do feel love… and the way I feel about you.'
'What do you mean?' asked Gaddes. His heart had been beating with heavy, slow
pulses, painful; it gave a trip-step and began to beat just a little faster, a
little lighter.
'I think about you so much. I feel so happy when you smile at me, and if you
touch me. I want so badly to know you and for you to know me, for nothing in
the world to come between us. I'm always thinking of what I could do or say to
please you and make you happy to be here, now, with me, to want to be nowhere
else. I want to be the only one who is precious to you; I was so happy that you
didn't pick up a girlfriend over the winter, when it would have been so easy!
I'm selfish, and jealous of you. You're - you're the light of my world, you
know. The only person who's given me such happiness, and nothing has gone
wrong.' He looked into Gaddes' eyes, fearful and unsettled. 'Am I in love with
you, Gaddes?'
'I - I don't know. Only you can tell if you love someone that way.' Gaddes was
too stunned to come up with a more sensible answer. It felt as if the world had
tilted through ninety degrees and up was now sideways.
'But how can I know? I didn't know until just now that it was even possible!
You've always known. Can't you tell me, or help me to see?'
'I'm really not sure,' said Gaddes. 'The only thing I can think of is - well,
that you could let me kiss you, and see how you feel about it.' None of this
felt real; perhaps that was a mercy, because as long as he couldn't believe it
was happening to him he couldn't feel too nervous, only extremely.
'Well - well, all right,' said Allen. 'Should I come down to where you are, or
will you come up to me? What should I do? Is it the same as ordinary kissing,
or-'
'Calm down,' said Gaddes, speaking as much to himself as to Allen. 'It'll be
all right, just relax. No need to do anything yet.'
'All right,' said Allen again. He took a deep breath and released it slowly,
closing his eyes. Gaddes began to wonder what he was doing before he realised
he was waiting. Waiting for me, trusting me. I'm really going to be allowed to
kiss him. With his pulse almost humming, he placed his hands on the rock beside
Allen and lifted himself on his arms, rising level with his head; he felt a
shiver of Allen's breath against his face as he leaned closer and pressed a
soft, cautious kiss to his tense lips before dropping back.
After a moment Allen opened his eyes, looking no less confused.
'What did you think?' asked Gaddes nervously. Please may this not be how I find
out I'm a terrible kisser.
'I - I don't know,' said Allen. 'It was over so quickly that I didn't have time
to make up my mind. You'll have to do it again.'
'I can kiss you again?'
'Yes…' Allen closed his eyes once more, composing himself. On the second
attempt, Gaddes felt the slightest, softest response to his kiss, the barest
pressure in return; hesitant but unmistakable. The rush of joy, the deep
answering pull in his groin, sent such a powerful shiver through his frame that
he didn't trust his arms to hold him up. He let himself drop again, looking up
anxiously, eagerly at the statue-like form just above him, Allen enthroned,
moon-silvered, a love-letter crumpled in his hand.
His eyes were still closed, and the lashes flickered very slightly as if he
were dreaming. His lips parted softly and he breathed in deeply, his chest
visibly rising, then slowly exhaled.
'Again,' he said quietly.
'Because you're still not sure?' Gaddes asked.
Allen opened his eyes and tilted his head to look down at the man in the water
below him; a smile that was half angelic and half foolish spreading on his
face.
'Because now I know,' he said. He slipped down from the higher stone, his face
radiant, open and eager. With hands that still threatened to tremble, Gaddes
stroked away the damp strands of fine blond hair, and tenderly framed Allen's
face before kissing him again… and again. He was surprising himself with how
gentle and chaste these kisses were. He'd always thought of himself as more
aggressive somehow, but he was being guided by Allen's responses and apparently
he did not feel ready even to open his lips to Gaddes' exploration. The deep,
probing kisses of dreams, the soft biting and hungry sucking of lips just
didn't seem to fit here and now. And yet he was not frustrated by this at all.
What he had, what he held, was perfect.
'I love you,' he whispered between kisses.
'Love you…' Allen murmured. His hands crept to Gaddes' shoulders, stroked the
back of his neck and made him shiver with prickling delight. Even the little
hairs stand up straight for you. Everything stands to attention foryou,
sir.Growing ever more excited, he dropped his hands from Allen's face and
slipped his arms around his body, meaning to enfold him, to pull him close; he
felt Allen's arms stiffen and brace against him.
'Please stop,' said Allen.
'I'm sorry,' said Gaddes, snatching his hands away and backing off. He almost
slipped off the edge of the rock beneath him; he overbalanced but caught
himself again, and wavered in the water, feeling overheated and foolish.
'I didn't mean stop altogether,' Allen said, looking startled. 'Only stop what
you were doing just then. I - I suppose I'm being ridiculous, but given that
I'm still just getting used to the idea that we can kiss, I don't feel ready to
be held in your arms that way - certainly not when we're both naked.'
'Of course. Of course, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.' Ruin it all again, why
don't you. 'Please - can we go back? Can I kiss you again?'
'I - I think I should get dressed,' said Allen anxiously.
'I've scared you off,' said Gaddes, dismayed.
'You haven't. I just think it would be a good idea now. Gaddes - would you
please look away when I get out of the water?'
'Why?'
'I feel… differently about it now,' said Allen. He looked down at his hands,
seeming embarrassed. 'That's ridiculous too, I know.'
'Well, a few minutes ago you did deliberately flash me. I don't quite
understand the turnaround. What happened to wanting nothing to come between
us?' He risked touching Allen's face again, tracing the line of his jaw, and
felt a little relief at seeing how he inclined his head towards the touch,
unthinkingly.
'I feel shy,' Allen mumbled.
'You don't need to be shy, sweetheart, you're very beautiful.' It was hard to
keep the eagerness out of his voice, and perhaps he failed. He was worried by
the look Allen gave him.
'You called me sweetheart,' he said, frowning slightly. 'I didn't know you'd do
things like that.'
'I won't if you don't like it.'
'I didn't say I don't like it, only how surprised I am. I - I think I dolike
it. You must make allowances for me. So much of this takes me by surprise.'
'And you know, don't you, I'll never try to get you to do anything you don't
like, anything that upsets you. If you say stop I will. I'll just be hoping
it's only stop for the moment, not stop forever.'
'I'm sorry I tricked you into looking at me,' Allen said. He did not seem to be
able to leave this thought alone. 'It was underhanded of me, and I think I gave
you a shock.'
'More like the thrill of my life,' Gaddes said wryly. 'I told you I was just
trying to be a gentleman before. I've got no objection to looking at your body.
Just the opposite. I didn't trust myself to do it before. It seemed unfair when
you didn't know what it meant to me.'
'Oh,' said Allen, looking dismayed.
'That was meant to make you feel better. Was it just creepy?'
'No, I - I'm feeling guilty.'
'About what?'
'I kept saying it didn’t matter if you saw me naked because I had seen you when
I was taking care of you in your illness. And I wanted to make us square for
that, because - because, Gaddes, I didn't just see you, because you were there
in front of me, I looked at you. Carefully, while I was bathing you. I - I was
very curious - it was mostly because I'd never really seen another grown man
undressed and I wanted to make some comparisons and see if I was normal. It was
reassuring.'
'Oh… well, I'm glad I could do that for you, even if I was unconscious at the
time.' It would be very very wrong to grin and say 'See anything you liked?'
Yes, it definitely would.
'I… think there is something I should confess,' said Allen, rushing the words
out together after the hesitant pause. He reverted to fiddling with the folded
paper in his hands as he spoke, staring at it as if it were of absorbing
interest.  His cheeks were reddening again. 'That… sometimes… after your
illness, and more so after you stayed the night with me after my birthday… I
would imagine that you were with me in my bed, and we were naked under the
sheets, and you put your arms around me and kissed me and we slept like that.
It was always a, a comforting thought, that made me feel warm and safe and… and
loved… I would use it to help me go to sleep at night, imagining the feeling of
your arms around me and the warmth of your skin and the feeling that you were
protecting me. And - and I didn't think to associate the two until now, but I
think there was a definite connection between how often I would fall asleep
that way, and how often I would have, um, rather passionate dreams.'
'You dreamed about me?'
'I - no - not exactly, not as I understood it at the time. The, ah, you recall
the grape-eating dream I told you about once? I never dreamed of that in quite
the same way after I found out what it was about, I suppose because I was
rather shaken. I started to have new dreams that were less clear, but perhaps
more intense; dreams in which I didn't know who I was with, but in which there
were hands stroking me and lips kissing me and warm, strong arms around me. I
would dream like that after falling asleep with the idea of you.'
And after falling asleep with the real me. Oh, you sweet, muddled
boy.Pleasedream with me now.
'I never knew what it meant that I wanted so much to be close to you,' Allen
said, pressing on before Gaddes could come up with any reply. 'I only knew how
deeply I did want it, and how deeply it hurt me when you didn't seem to feel
the same need, and wouldn't open yourself to me, and how joyous I felt when we
seemed to reach a deeper intimacy… there was one moment when I had so much hope
that it frightened me, unsettled me… do you remember, it was also when you were
ill, the first day that you felt a little better and I gave you a shave?'
'I remember,' said Gaddes, struggling to keep his voice level. It was
threatening to wobble all over the place as it had not done since it first
broke.
'There was a moment when you opened your eyes and looked up at me. It felt as
though before you had always worn glasses with smoked lenses, and just then you
took them off and looked at me with your true eyes.' He looked up, timidly.
'The same way you're looking at me now.' As if he felt he had to do it quickly
before he lost his nerve, he leaned forward and pressed one of his tender
clumsy off-centre kisses against Gaddes' upper lip. It was only a brief kiss, a
soft heavy pressure before he pulled away, but Gaddes' hand behind his head
checked his retreat and brought him back for a revised and expanded version. He
was trembling; Allen could feel more than hear the smothered moan that rose in
his throat.
How can one kiss bring me so close to coming? The water between us should be
boiling. He's mine, my love, my boy, nuzzling against me and stroking my
shoulders, I won't grab you, I swear it, but come closer, touch me, touch
me!His fingers slipped and tangled in the damp softness of Allen's hair; he
felt the letter in Allen's hand crumple against the back of his neck. Their
bodies were still separated by shifting warm water, and he was unable to bring
them closer together before Allen broke away with a little gasp.
'I'm - I'm going to get out now,' he said, although he did not yet move or take
his hands from Gaddes' shoulders. The pressure and friction of their kisses had
reddened his lips; another soft night-blooming flower.
'All right,' said Gaddes, 'all right. You'd better go quickly or I won't be
able to let you go.'
'Right,' said Allen, a little vaguely, kissed him once more and slipped away
through the water. A little way away he turned and looked back.
‘Although I realise I’m spoiling it a bit by being awkward…’ he said, ‘would it
be fair to say that this has been more romantic than a certain memory
associated with potatoes?’
‘Definitely,’ said Gaddes. Allen smiled and slipped away once more.
I was hoping you wouldn't really. Damn. Okay, time to be a gentleman again.
Resolutely, he turned his back, even closing his eyes to the moonlight.
Whatever god is in charge of these things, thank you, thank you.He could not
have held back from touching himself now; the orgasm came upon him so quickly
that it almost seemed unassisted by his shaking hands. He leaned his forehead
against a smooth stone forming part of the brink of the pool and tried to
breathe slowly as the last shivers rippled through his body, and the fevered
intensity of his aroused senses gently dimmed to something approaching a normal
level. He opened his eyes and saw a small white cloud gently dissolving in the
water.
Next time, next time, and I'll do everything I can to make there be a next
time, we'll mix with the water together. I want to hold him so close the water
can't get between us, to suck his tongue into my mouth to play with mine, he'll
wrap his legs around my waist and I'll squeeze and stroke his perfect tight
little ass and try for nothing fancier than to rub together until we both
explode. That should have been just now… oh yes… now this is what you call
ingratitude, he kisses me, tells me he loves me, and I'm whining 'But I wanted
a shag!' Just wait. It could happen now. It really could. Even if he's
uncertain right now, he does want it. 'Hands stroking me and lips kissing me
and warm, strong arms around me.' My hands, Allen, my lips, my arms. All for
you.
'I'm dressed now,' Allen called out from the far shore. 'You can come out.'
Gaddes swam to the shallower side of the spring; it felt almost as though a
different man was emerging from the water than the one who had first immersed
himself.
'You don't have to keep your back turned,' he said to Allen, amused. 'Remember,
I don't mind now.'
'It just seems fairer,' said Allen. 'You'd better get dressed quickly, it's
chilly once you're out. I really was an idiot not to think of the fact that
after bathing one would want a towel. There's no way to dry off.' His voice
sounded a little tense, although perhaps he was just physically uncomfortable;
his clothes were clinging to his wet skin, and as Gaddes quickly discovered, it
was an unpleasantly clammy feeling. The heat of the water quickly evaporated
into the night air, although a deeper warmth remained just under the skin. On
the whole he was too happy to mind the feeling of damp linen sticking to his
arms, and he said so.
'You're just being a good sport,' said Allen uncertainly. He had still not
turned round; he was standing in the way Gaddes had come to recognise as
meaning he was trying to steady himself, to exert self-control. Other people
might have folded their arms or linked their hands behind their backs, as if
reassuring themselves; Allen kept his arms by his sides as though he were
relaxed, but the telltale was how tightly his hands were closed, how stiffly
his shoulders were set.
'No,' said Gaddes quietly, behind him. With one hand he gently swept back the
curtain of Allen's hair, and lightly kissed a spot just behind his ear. He felt
Allen grow tenser still for a moment, drawing in his breath as if in shock. You
just need to get used to this. He put his arms around Allen's waist and gave
his body a gentle squeeze. It was not an overtly sexual gesture; his own body
was at peace at the moment. He simply wanted to be close. He put his head down
on Allen's shoulder and breathed in the scent of his skin, his hair, the slight
sulphurous trace of the water.
'I - I must smell like rotten eggs,' Allen said nervously.
'No you don't,' Gaddes murmured. 'You still have petals caught in your hair.'
'I don't know how you can be so relaxed.'
'We're in a private place, in the middle of the night. What are you worried
about?'
'How I feel,' said Allen. He slowly raised one hand and touched Gaddes',
clasped at his waist like the buckle of a living belt. 'It's not that I think
it's wrong or sinful. I think you were right about that. It doesn't hurt anyone
else if I love you. But… how I feel now is making it extremely clear to me that
I really wasn't in love with Marlene, not as I'm in love with you. It's
unfamiliar and overwhelming to understand my feelings for the first time.' He
paused. 'I did love her. I still do love her. Being without her, and knowing
she's unhappy because of me, is still painful. If I saw her again, I would
still do anything she asked of me, to be her knight. But the knowledge, and not
only the knowledge but the feeling, that you love me and I feel an answering
love and - and desire - moves all that to one side.' He was tracing the shapes
of Gaddes' fingers. 'I can't help thinking that it's very unfair that she lives
in a foreign palace with a man she can't possibly love, and I live in a swamp
with - well, with you. Neither of us deserves our situation. I mean, I even
like the swamp.'
He actually laughed slightly at that, at his own absurdity in enjoying his
exile; Gaddes felt it and was comforted. He began, gradually, to rock Allen
from side to side, a kind of sleepy swaying meant to soothe.
‘Sweetheart, if life was really set up so everything that happened to you was
something you deserved, I'd be scared to get out of bed in the morning. Imagine
it, cause and effect every second.’
'Well, a lot of people believe that is how life works. You can't say actions
don't have consequences, even if the cause-and-effect isn't always direct and
obvious and appropriate-seeming. And a lot of people would call you heretical
for suggesting that things don't happen for a reason, that there isn't any
divine order or plan in motion.'
'How can anyone believe that? It'd follow that God's a complete bastard.
Messing people up for the fun of it, like Nichol. If anyone really makes these
things happen they're not doing it for nice reasons, although I bet they think
they're in the right. If people got what they deserved in life, okay, your
princess wouldn't be where she is, but you also would have two nice parents at
home where they belong, with a sister for you to tease and make a pet of, you
wouldn't know what a bandit looks like and you'd never have come within a mile
of ending up somewhere like this and meeting me.'
'I - I wouldn't like not knowing you,' Allen said. 'Everything about that
sounds so wonderful except not knowing you.'
'It's not like you'd miss me if you'd never met me. And you wouldn't need me to
make you happy. Everything that's wrong now would be right. You can't say that
any of that shit when you were a kid was deserved by you, or caused by anything
you did, and that's where it all comes from.'
'I want to think,' said Allen slowly, 'that somehow we would still have found
each other. If people got what they deserved things would have been different
for you too. You wouldn't have had to leave school when you didn't want to. I
might have gone to school. We could have met there.'
'Your parents wouldn't've sent you to the school I was at. You'd've been at one
of those posh places where the teachers wear a black gown in class and you have
to call them Dominie and you know you're getting a good education because it
costs so much.'
'You could have won a scholarship,' Allen said. He was smiling a little now,
enjoying countering what Gaddes came up with. 'Imagine us sitting together in
our classes. We could pass notes under the desk.'
'I'd've been in another class, I'm older than you.'
'A teacher asked the bright scholarship boy to tutor one of the juniors. You
helped me catch up in mathematics - I would have failed without your help.' He
paused for a moment, lifting one of Gaddes' hands and gently interlocking their
fingers, and when he spoke again his voice was softer, more secret. 'You would
reward me for the right answers with a kiss. It was just extraordinary how
enthusiastic I became about my homework. We would spend hours studying
together.'
'With the door of your room shut,' Gaddes added. He gave Allen's hand a little
squeeze and wrapped his arms more closely around him. So holding you this close
when wearedressed is okay. And if you just get to relax a little you get a lot
keener.
'And locked. We mustn't be disturbed while we were studying. No-one knew what
we were doing.' His free hand reached up and back to touch Gaddes' head, to
stroke his hair. He leaned back against his partner's body, willingly tilting
his head for the touch of another kiss against his neck.
'No-one knew how you let me touch you,’ Gaddes whispered.
'H-how did you touch me? No, wait…' Allen frowned in thought for a moment, and
then smiled. 'Six times seven is forty-two,' he said, and turned for his kiss,
lacing his arms around Gaddes' neck.
'Very good. Keep going.'Especially the way you arch your back and push up to my
chest.
'Umm… seven times seven is forty-nine.'
This time Gaddes tried opening his mouth slightly as he kissed him, just enough
to make the kiss slightly wet. He got a vague sense that Allen was a little
surprised, but pleasantly so.
'Eight times seven is fifty-six,' he went on, without waiting to be prompted;
the 'six' was muffled, almost smothered by the pressure of Gaddes' mouth.
'You're just adding seven in your head each time, I bet,' Gaddes teased him.
'Ask me anything. Make it harder.'
'Ten times fifty,' said Gaddes, grabbing two numbers at random.
'Five hundred, too easy, harder.' The command seemed to apply to the kiss too.
In the middle of it Allen appeared to suddenly realise he could use his tongue
as well; he did it so clumsily that Gaddes wondered if it was a first effort,
or just long unpractised. Either way it made something inside him tighten
pleasingly. When they separated again it was only by a bare minimum, their lips
still almost touching.
'Twelve times nineteen.'
'Two hundred and twenty-eight, harder.'
'I don't think you need tutoring at all. Uh… six times eleven and a half.'
'Sixty-nine.'
'Oh, yes.'
'Harder.'
'You think I even know if you're getting these right?'
'But you can't kiss me if I don't get them right.'
'Bonus kiss for doing fractions.' And coming up with a dirty answer. I didn't
even see that coming. Do you know what it means, honey? Will you let me show
you?
'All right.' This time Allen remembered - or discovered? It felt more and more
like discovery, and the thought was making Gaddes' blood burn - that the tips
of their tongues could twist round and round each other, an almost hypnotic
swirl of wet heat. When they broke apart his cheeks were flushed and his
breathing much more rapid.
'I just thought of something awful,' Allen breathed. 'You can't be at my school
any more. You're nineteen, you must have left. I'm in my last year.'
'I'm helping you with your university entrance exams,' Gaddes invented hastily.
'My God, you're clever. You must be teaching me all sorts of amazing things.
Squares on hippopotamuses and everything.'
'I'm sure that's not right.'
'What do I get for a wrong answer?'
'Well, I have to be tough, I have to give you a little smack on the butt like
this.' His hand lingered and squeezed firm curving muscle. Allen caught his
breath and closed his eyes.
'I know what I got wrong,' he said, 'it's hippopotami, not hippopotamuses.'
'Still doesn't sound like maths to me. Smack two. But I'll kiss you for good
grammar.' He kissed Allen with both hands firmly planted on his backside,
wishing the shape wasn't made indistinct by a double layer of heavy material.
What lunatic decided a skirt over trousers was a good look for men anyway?
'If I’m to be prepared for the matriculation exams, you'd better give me
something really hard now,' Allen whispered.
It was too much temptation; he'd been thinking it almost since this game
started. 'Here's something hard,' Gaddes whispered back. Allen gave a stifled
gasp as he felt himself abruptly lifted onto tiptoe and the full length of his
body pressed hard up against Gaddes' as he kissed him; he felt the heat and
mass of his partner's arousal pressing off-centre into his groin, seemingly
nuzzling and seeking the ridge of his own silk-bound erection, just emergent a
few moments ago and suddenly redoubled in urgency; warm hands stroked and
compressed his buttocks, circling like the flickering living heat that probed
inside his mouth.
'It's all right, this is all right,' Gaddes murmured, wanting to soothe the
alarm he had heard in that gasp. He honestly intended to respect Allen's wishes
but he could not stop thinking that perhaps he didn't know what to wish for. It
was only fair to show him some possibilities. It felt as though they were now
in that dreamy state of arousal in which lovemaking would run on unstoppably as
long as they were not interrupted, and what could possibly interrupt them now,
bar an Act of God? Allen was not trying to pull away. Bliss by friction, here
we come. He began to gently rock his hips against Allen's.
'I love you,' he tried to say; the words were lost in a tremulous kiss from
Allen and became an inchoate moan.
His delight was cruelly, bewilderingly shattered as out of nowhere a rain of
blows descended on his head from above; a maddened screeching filled his ears
and he stumbled back, cursing and trying to protect himself with his raised
arms from a blinding fusillade of feathery cuffs and snatching sharp talons.
‘Natal!’ Allen’s voice rang out sharply. ‘Natal! Stop it and come here! Come
here, I said!’ Gaddes heard him give a peremptory whistle and the attack
stopped. He cautiously lowered his arms and opened one eye to see the owl
settling itself on Allen’s upheld wrist, still puffing its feathers and
snapping its beak with self-righteous indignation.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Allen, looking flustered and more dishevelled than Gaddes had
realised his caresses had made him. ‘I’m ashamed of you!’ he added to the bird.
‘What got into you? You could have hurt him. Are you all right, Gaddes?’
‘I’ll live,’ said Gaddes, wiping with his sleeve at a scratch above his eye.
‘Your damn’ owl nearly had my eyes out, though. That vicious little sod’s had
it in for me from day one.’ He didn’t want to appear vindictive but it was
impossible to hide how much he hated Natal at that moment. The mood was
completely destroyed; it wasn’t just that he wanted to wring the owl’s neck,
but Allen was looking distraught, as if he thought this was a Sign or
something.
The owl was sidle-strutting up and down Allen’s arm, and it took this
opportunity to lower its head and hiss at Gaddes.
‘I said stop it, Natal,’ Allen snapped. ‘You’re hurting my arm and making me -
making me very cross.’ He glanced apologetically at Gaddes. ‘You do hear about
pets being overprotective of their masters, don’t you? Resenting anyone else
who becomes important to them.’
There wasn’t even any way to get close to him again with Natal perched as he
was, and glaring at Gaddes with baleful round eyes. Gaddes raked his hands back
through his hair and clasped them tightly at the back of his head, trying to
calm or at least control himself. The sheer disappointment of it was agony.
‘I suppose,’ said Allen with a sigh, ‘we’d better go home.’
‘Oh no. Please, no. Don’t let that malevolent feather-duster bully you. Send
him away or something. Please, Allen.’
‘But he won’t go away now he’s got a bee in his bonnet about it,’ Allen said
helplessly. ‘And really - really perhaps it’s for the best. It can’t be good
for us to hang about on a cool spring night with wet clothes. Remember how sick
you got last time something like this happened?’
‘All right,’ said Gaddes, a trace desperately, ‘we’ll go home to bed. Warm each
other up.’ He knew that was a mistake as soon as he said it; Allen looked
positively alarmed. The spell was broken now. ‘Or not,’ he said wearily,
‘whatever you want.’ He knew he should try harder to be nice about it but this
felt like too much. He picked up the lantern, forgotten until now, and began to
walk towards the treeline without further comment. He heard Allen follow him
after a moment.
If he had thought about it at all, he had imagined that they would be walking
back substantially later, in a sort of weak-legged haze of contentment. This
felt like a nasty parody of a dream; intimacy was out of the question since
Natal’s presence on Allen’s shoulder was as inhibiting as having a prim maiden
aunt walking between them. Not satisfied with having ruined the evening, he
seemed to feel it was his job to further chastise Allen, and would not leave
him alone, tweaking at his hair and collar and nipping at his ear. When Allen,
most uncharacteristically, gave an exclamation of annoyance and pain and tried
to shrug him off, he simply fluttered round to the other shoulder and started
the performance again there. After some time, drawing nearer to Gaddes, Allen
made a hesitant attempt to take hold of his hand, which would almost have made
up for everything had not Natal promptly emitted a hoot of outrage and struck
him smartly over the ear with one wing.
‘I swear that owl thinks it’s got to chaperone you,’ Gaddes muttered.
‘Stuff him,’ said Allen wretchedly. ‘Gaddes, are you angry with me? Please
don’t be angry with me.’
‘I’m not angry with you,’ said Gaddes. ‘You haven’t done anything. And if you
want him stuffed, I’d be happy to oblige. He’d look lovely under a glass shade
with his feet nailed to a bit of wood. I could even find a dead mouse to stuff
in his beak.’
‘Nearly home now,’ said Allen, trying to speak brightly. After the next turn in
the path they would be able to see the gate-lights of the fort. As they came
into view of the sentries, Natal gave a satisfied-sounding hoot and flew away.
They returned home under a cloud of frustration and disappointment, and not a
little mortification on Allen’s part; it was so painful to see Gaddes glowering
like this and to know that it was to do with him, even if it was not directly
his fault. Taking responsibility for others came so naturally to Allen that it
was hard not to blame himself for anything that went wrong in a given
situation. He felt guilty, too, and was not even sure whether this was because
he had so eagerly given in to that confusing, passionate embrace or because he
had felt a certain relief that it was allowed to go no further. After tonight
he would have to take into account an entire complex of thoughts and feelings
on Gaddes’ part, a response to himself that he had never consciously
anticipated, and his own thoughts and feelings were in such disarray that he
was not even sure of them. He did not know how to manage anything that had
begun tonight; he wanted to let Gaddes show him what to do but the strangeness
of it unnerved him even while the rightness of it overwhelmed him.
Gaddes watched him uncertainly; he was beginning to feel ashamed of himself for
being so ill-tempered, but was afraid that making any gesture of tenderness or
affection would startle Allen and drive another wedge between them. In any
case, there was no way to say or do anything while they were among the others;
the first-half night patrols were coming back and the second-half ones were
preparing to go out, with the usual exchange of information and discussion of
events. Gaddes’ scratched face attracted a lot of jovial sympathy, as did the
explanation given for their wet clothes, that he had stumbled into a pond when
Natal had (unprovoked) attacked him, and Allen had gotten soaked helping him
out. With dismay, he saw Allen go away upstairs to bed while he was still stuck
talking to a couple of men who wanted an explanation of an unclear new section
on the map.
When he finally reached the corridor outside their rooms, though, Allen was
sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, waiting. He rose quickly to
his feet as Gaddes approached.
‘I’m so sorry about everything,’ he said. ‘Please, Gaddes, don’t think that I
don’t love you.’
‘I know you do,’ said Gaddes. ‘Can we just forget about it, and try to figure
something out tomorrow?’ This suggestion went very much against the grain; he
wanted to beg to be allowed into Allen’s bed tonight, but was terrified of
messing everything up by trying again for too much too soon.
‘I - yes, yes, all right. Tomorrow,’ Allen said. Now he was afraid that Gaddes
would think he was eager to get away from him. ‘Good night,’ he said, and after
glancing up and down the corridor to make sure no-one was about, hastily dotted
a kiss against Gaddes’ cheek. The look in his eyes both reassured and unsettled
him afresh, and he hurried into his room. With the door closed, at least it
felt as though nothing else could happen until the sun came up and he had had
time to calm down. With a determined effort to act sensibly, he took off his
damp clothes, put on his nightrobe and wrapped his wet hair in a towel, before
sitting down on the bed and putting his head in his hands. At first he rested
his chin there, and the touch made him acutely conscious of how tender the skin
around his mouth was; how Gaddes’ stubble had rasped against it as he kissed
him; how the soft scratching had somehow been a pleasure, a rough counterpoint
to the wet velvet of his exploring tongue.
He loves me and wants me. To think that he’s felt this for months, known he
loved me and said and done nothing about it for fear of displeasing or
repelling me. How could I ever stop loving Gaddes? And… and to love him this
way… it’s so confusing, but when he was kissing me it came so easily. I can’t
think about it, I can’t. He was so sweet to me. The look in his eyes. He wanted
to make love, tonight, he was so sure about me, sure he wantedme, with all
that’s wrong with me.
How would he make love to me?
He tried to put the thought out of his head; he cleaned his teeth and washed
his face and made a stern effort to say his prayers with genuine concentration.
Allen prayed every night, unless something exceptional prevented it, that
Marlene and her son would be healthy and happy, that Celena was alive and well
somewhere… that she was with someone who would know to leave a light on so she
could get to sleep, that she was kindly treated, that one day, somehow, he
would find her again and be able to protect her forever. He was not sure he
could pray to get things right with Gaddes. He lay down in his bed and pulled
the covers up over his shoulders.
How would he make love to me?
His fingertips traced the slightly swollen borders of his lips. He would kiss
me. His special way. Perhaps… perhaps we would lie down together. His hands
would stroke me and undress me. Wouldn’t they? Men would do that together,
wouldn’t they? Here are my lover’s hands stroking me. He hugged himself,
drawing his hands down over his arms, then stroking down over his chest and
stomach. After a moment’s hesitation he rolled on his front and cupped his
hands around his buttocks, squeezing them as he remembered feeling Gaddes do.
It made him feel… caught, somehow, caught by surprise, both at the
unanticipated touch and at his own response to it. Kissing me, kissing me,
holding me close, pressing up to let me feel - well - to feelthat. His own cock
stirred as he revisited in memory the pressure of Gaddes’ erection against his
body. Was he like that in the water? Has that ever happened before when we were
together? Is it really me that makes him swell and stand?
I think he would stroke my legs too, like this… I would like him to… would we
be quite naked for this? Could I see him, everything? Would he like me to show
him - show him like this, when I’m excited? I think his is bigger than mine. I
wonder what it looks like, standing up from his body, straining up towards me.
Does it get as red as mine does? Does it feel hot like this? Does he - does he
think about me and touch it?
This line of fantasy was all new to him; it was affecting him as nothing else
ever had, making his pulse race, making the urge to play with himself so strong
that it was a little alarming. His hands moved higher up his thighs, pushing up
the folds of the cotton robe, then reaching eagerly underneath. Gaddes’ hands.
He strokes me and - ah! - tickles me under here, he knows how to touch me, he
knows where to be gentle and wherenot, he wraps his hand around and rubs hard.
Up and down, up and down, he’s kissing me, kissing me, I move my hips like
this, like they want to move. He’s squeezing me and loving me and all I can do
is hold on and kiss him back, his other hand rubs my bottom and pulls me
closer, it feels good good good I kiss him I love him I love him it feels so
hot inside me and
Oh
It’s all rushing out of me, and he holds me tight, and he rubs it up and down…
kissing me kissing me. Oh, it’s like thunderclouds bursting and rolling away.
I’m dirty, I’m dirty. He… he likes me dirty… dirty, sleepy boy. Oh God…it’s all
right, he tells me, go to sleep now, I love you, I’ll always love you.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Gaddes began the next day in mixed spirits. On the one hand, Allen knew all
about him and hadn’t gone off him, which was all to the good; unbelievably so.
On the other, the end of yesterday evening had been so discouraging that he was
feeling somewhat doomladen, as though everything could and would still go
horribly wrong. After Allen had kissed him goodnight, on the one hand he had
cheered up a little, and on the other he had felt unable to go to sleep. He had
gone out again, up to the roof to stare at the moons and try to work out what
would happen next. What if Allen lost his nerve and asked to return to
friendship? That seemed quite possible, and thoroughly painful. It was not
something he wanted to dwell upon. He was just trying, in an effort to distract
himself, to decide if the Mystic Moon looked blue because it was mostly water
or if maybe the land there was blue too when he fell asleep.
He woke up freezing cold and covered in dew. It was not an auspicious start.
This was the day of the week for deliveries to the fort, and in recent months
it had become an unofficial second general market for the region, particularly
as it was more convenient for swamp-dwellers than the journey downriver into
Lamor. Everyone who had something to sell, regardless of whether the army were
likely to want it, brought it along on the chance that it would be bought by
another vendor. Even before breakfast time, the fort was beginning to fill up
again with farmers, hunters, fishermen and their families, assorted hangers-on
and livestock, and even, these days, occasional out-of-town merchants and
gypsies. A hard-faced gypsy woman was telling fortunes in a waggon which Allen
had politely requested to be parked outside the fort walls.
It was next to impossible for Gaddes to get to speak to Allen alone or even to
catch his eye. It was hard to be sure whether he was simply having an unusually
busy day or deliberately making himself busy in order to avoid a conversation.
After a while he became gloomily certain that Allen was avoiding him on purpose
and regretting last night to boot. He mooched off to the mess, where he found a
rather floury last year’s apple and ate it leaning against a table, looking at
the large wall map to see what had been added or altered after last night’s
patrols got back. This was not a solitary pursuit; the swamp people also took a
keen interest in the ongoing cartographical project and on market days there
were always at least a few kids looking at the map and pointing out their
houses to each other. Kio was also inspecting it, talking aloud to himself as
he usually did when faced with the difficulty of reading. It seemed to
encourage him.
‘The broken weir above Nandor’s farm’s down as repaired, that’s good to see,
and it looks like they’ve finally sorted out the source of the Amabel stream…
that blank bit up the top’s filling up nice, isn’t it Sarge? That’s where you
were last night, right?’
‘Yeah,’ said Gaddes vaguely. ‘We didn’t see much, though. We sort of got
sidetracked. I didn’t have anything much to add last night.’
‘The Boss must have put this bit in, then,’ said Kio. ‘Yeah, his handwriting.
He does such boring names. Sweetheart Springs. What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Beg your pardon?’ said Gaddes, through a mouthful of apple.
‘Sweetheart Springs,’ repeated Kio, tapping a spot on the map with his
forefinger.
‘Well - well, it sounds like a name like that might have a story behind it.
Something that means a lot to him,’ Gaddes said, trying not to let the goofy
smile he could feel threatening to take over his face have its way. The sheer
sentimentality of it charmed him.
‘And at least it’s a better name than - than Mount McTwattybollocks,’ he added,
picking on the most exuberantly awful name the map featured. Oruto had called
it that just to see what he could get away with without actually swearing,
which Allen would never have put up with.
‘Well, yeah, I can see your point. It is a bit over the top,’ Kio agreed,
nodding his head thoughtfully.
‘Totally.’
‘It’s not quite a mountain. More of a big hill.’
‘Um… yes,’ said Gaddes.
That threw a rather brighter light on the rest of the day, although Allen
remained harried and elusive. Gaddes was not sure if the end of the day would
find him on the rooftop, and he arrived in the sunset light alone. That was
disappointing. He was just on the verge of making his mind up to go back down
and see if there were any leftovers from dinner, in case stuffing his face
would take his mind off his troubles, when Allen appeared over the edge of the
roof, climbing up the ladder. He looked surprised, pleased and nervous to see
Gaddes, all at once.
‘Hello,’ he said. ‘I didn’t know if you’d be here.’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘I - I don’t know. I’m glad you’re here.’ They stood in awkward silence for a
moment.
‘We could just sit down like we always do,’ Gaddes suggested.
‘That would probably be a good idea,’ said Allen. They settled themselves
facing the sunset, side by side but separate. A bird flew by, and Gaddes looked
up in slight alarm, but it was only a woodpigeon.
‘You’re usually up here before me,’ he said, after an extended pause.
‘I went back to my room before I came here,’ Allen said. He ducked his head as
though what he was saying embarrassed him. ‘I - well, I wanted to run a comb
through my hair and make sure - make sure I looked nice for you.’
Gaddes considered that for a moment. ‘Well, you do,’ he said, smiling. ‘You
look great tonight.’
‘I - I’m sorry everything was so hectic today,’ Allen went on, talking rather
quickly and without looking Gaddes in the eye. ‘I couldn’t help it. The world
and his wife seemed to want to talk to me. These unofficial markets are getting
quite out of hand. I’m concerned that the gypsies may be a disruptive element,
especially when they bring that fortune-telling woman - people do tend to get
upset by that sort of thing - and while it’s good that merchant caravans feel
it’s safer to use the swamp routes nowadays of course better cargo passing
through the area may be an incentive to a new rise of banditry… we’re never
going to be able to rest on our laurels here.’
‘You can rest now,’ said Gaddes, trying to stem the flow.
‘Yes. Yes, of course.’
‘I quite like the markets. I mean, it’s something to see what you can buy on
the stalls these days. It used to be bare necessities around here, and now
we’re getting a luxury or two.’ He paused, slightly embarrassed in turn, unsure
whether this was a good idea or just naff. ‘I got you something.’
A small oblong paper box landed in Allen’s lap, and its contents rattled. He
turned it over and looked inside. ‘Sugared almonds?’
‘I feel sort of dumb because I don’t even know if you like them. But I was
looking around and I saw them, and I sort of thought… sweets for my
sweetheart?’ He wasn’t sure why he was trying to make the same sort of gesture
as Allen had; it didn’t quite fit his own style. He could feel himself
blushing. He hadn’t realised the tentative awkwardness would continue into this
phase. With Nichol it had been much simpler. Then again, it would never have
occurred to Nichol to use a word like ‘sweetheart’ in anything but a sarcastic
tone.
‘Oh,’ said Allen, in a small voice which nevertheless held undisguised
pleasure. ‘What - what a nice thing to think of.’
A small snort of laughter escaped from Gaddes.
‘What are you laughing about?’
‘Us. I just realised what we remind me of. You running off to make yourself
pretty before you see me, me bringing you candy, we’re like a proper little
lady and gentleman courting.’
‘Oh no,’ said Allen, trying not to start laughing too. ‘Surely not.’
‘I’m just glad I don’t have to go to your house to pick you up and go through
the whole rigmarole of coming in to meet your parents to be given the once-
over.’
‘I can just hear my father,’ said Allen, and put on a pompous voice somewhat
lower than his own. ‘So, young Samivel, what are your prospects? How many dead
languages do you speak?’
‘Found any good lost cities lately?’ Gaddes chipped in. Finally, the ice was
broken; Allen’s eyes were sparkling.
‘He wouldn’t like you. I’d have to defy him and elope with you. Serve him
right. For making me laugh and calm down, you get first pick of the sugared
almonds. We seem to have pink, blue, pale yellow and mauve. They’ll all taste
the same, they always do.’
‘Surprise me,’ said Gaddes, closing his eyes and opening his mouth. For a
moment he could not hear Allen move or speak, and was afraid he had gone too
far again, but then he heard a slight rattle that must be an almond being
chosen from the box. A moment later he felt the sweet touch his lips and closed
them, unintentionally catching Allen’s fingertip. It turned into a kind of
half-kiss before the hand was taken away. Allen was blushing when he opened his
eyes, holding that hand with the other.
Gaddes wondered whether an apology was in order, but prudently decided that
whatever the case it was most polite not to speak with his mouth full.
‘Did you like that?’ Allen asked, his voice sounding slightly off-key.
‘Yes.’ He was hardly aware of the sweet; the sugar-coating had melted off and
the almond, stale and papery, had slipped into his cheek. ‘Did you?’
‘How could I, silly, it was you who had the sweet.’
‘Would you like me to give you one?’
‘All right,’ said Allen, almost eagerly, and closed his eyes. His lips parted
gently, welcoming, trusting. The sunset light made his hair red-gold;
involuntarily Gaddes thought of the secrets of his body and felt a little
shiver of arousal. It would be cheating to just kiss him. We play games
together. I should keep the rules. Hesitantly, he reached into Allen’s lap and
took an almond from the box; he did not notice what colour its sugar-shell was.
The only colours he could think of were the gold of Allen’s hair and the blush
of his lips.
He placed the almond in his own mouth and leaned forward to kiss Allen’s,
pressing in against the smothered sound of surprise in the boy’s throat, softly
flicked his tongue against his lips to request entrance, and when it was
granted gently pushed the almond in. He drew back to see how Allen was taking
this. His eyes were open, must have flickered open in his surprise at the kiss;
they were darkened by dilation as they had been last night in the moonlight. He
looked flustered and uncertain, but there was no suggestion of dismay. He bit
down on the almond; Gaddes heard the crunch. The nut in his own mouth had gone
so soft that he was able to swallow it whole. Allen looked embarrassed at
having to chew and swallow at a moment like this.
Somewhere below them, in the open yard of the fort, someone began to strum a
guitar, rambling through the opening measures of different tunes as he tried to
decide what he actually wanted to play.
‘Oh, listen,’ Allen said, as if grateful for the distraction. ‘Who would that
be?’
‘Lashan,’ said Gaddes, ‘I suppose. If we were the gentry like I was talking
about I might have taken you out to hear some of that chamber music you used to
listen to. This is about the best we can offer here.’
‘You can’t kiss while you listen to that kind of music,’ Allen said. ‘Everyone
can see you.’
‘And up here, no-one can see us.’ Am I tempting you?
‘I did talk about that, didn’t I?’ Allen said reminiscently. ‘About listening
to music arm-in-arm. I wish I could do that with you. I suppose, though, I’d
have to take you to Pallas, and I can’t imagine what would give us the
opportunity to do that.’
‘So just pretend,’ said Gaddes. ‘The important things are all here. You, me,
some music - so I’ll put my arm around you and you imagine you’re anywhere you
want.’
With his head leaning on Gaddes’ shoulder, Allen laughed softly when the unseen
guitarist settled on a tune and began to sing; his choice was almost too
appropriate to be coincidental.
Oh I wish I was in Pallas town,
The weather’s not so good.
The wind it cuts right through you,
And it rains more than it should.
But I’d be there tomorrow
If I only could.
Oh I wish I was in Pallas town….
I wish I was in Pallas town,
The aristocracy!
The merchants and the sailing ships
Along Jeture’s quay
The harbour city capital, the lights beside the sea
Oh I wish I was in Pallas town…
It just isn’t practical, you there in the capital
And me here on this little swampy island
The problem is the gap between us on the map
And there’s no easy way to reconcile it.
Oh I wish I was in Pallas town
The cafés and the bars
The music and the-yay-ter,
And the old bazaar
And canals go everywhere so nowhere’s very far
Oh I wish I was in Pallas town…
Oh I wish…
Oh I wish I was in Pallas town,
The wind it cuts right through.
I wish I was in Pallas town,
There’s so much more to do.
I wish I was in Pallas town and you wish I was too,
I wish I was in Pallas town ‘cause then I’d be with you.
 
‘I’ve never heard a song take so long to get to the point,’ Gaddes commented.
‘Or find so many other reasons to go to Pallas,’ Allen murmured. ‘Despite the
winter weather. I wonder who he’s missing in Pallas?’
‘And does she miss him too? Or is he kidding himself?’
‘I hope she does,’ said Allen seriously. ‘Of course, I have no-one to miss or
to miss me back there. All there is for me to miss is… as he said, things like
the music and theatre.’
‘The-yay-ter,’ Gaddes corrected, smiling. He was currently feeling very good
indeed, with Allen leaning against him so peacefully and comfortably.
‘And missing them is nothing like as bad as missing you would be - if I were
back there and you were still here.’ Allen raised his head to look into Gaddes’
eyes. ‘They’re only little things, pretty trimmings on life. Sugared almonds.’
‘So you don’t feel dissatisfied, being stuck here?’
‘Not as long as you’re stuck too.’ Feeling that he was being very daring, Allen
kissed Gaddes’ mouth. He thought he was becoming a little less clumsy in this,
and it was something far sweeter to him than sugar. He felt hungry; no, greedy.
Gaddes responded to his kisses gently, undemandingly, and somehow that was not
enough. He wanted to feel that he was loved and desired without reservation,
even while the thought of such desire frightened him. I want to know and prove
that Icanmake him lose control, but not to make him lose it. He pressed his
body closer against Gaddes’, wishing he had a clearer idea of what one did.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, hoping those were magic words, hoping he had that
power. ‘Love you so much…’
‘D’you remember the last time you kissed me and told me you loved me “so
much”?’ Gaddes asked, nuzzling against Allen’s earlobe.
‘Did I say that last night?’
‘Long before last night.’ A soft, nibbling kiss.
‘I - I don’t understand what you mean.’
‘The night of your seventeenth birthday.’ He blew into Allen’s ear, making him
shiver. ‘That’s the other awful thing you did, in case you’ve ever wondered.’
‘I - I didn’t.’ Allen pulled back, trying to see if there was a hint of
laughter in Gaddes’ eyes, something to say that he was joking. ‘Did I?’
‘Yes, you did.’ There was nothing in his gaze but ardent tenderness, naked and
undisguised.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I didn’t think I could. You didn’t seem to remember anything about it and I
didn’t know how you felt then. Do you know how hard it was to feel you kiss me,
and to lie there with you asleep in my arms, thinking you didn’t love me the
way I loved you? I wanted you so much.’ He kissed the side of Allen’s neck,
working at his collar with a finger, progressing gently downwards. Allen felt
the silk scarf at his throat loosen and slide with a sensation that was first
cousin to panic. He could feel heat against his skin, a pulsing, sliding
suction that drew the deepest heat of his body to the surface.
‘I wanted to wake you and kiss you all over,’ Gaddes murmured. ‘Would you like
that, now? Do you like the way I’m kissing you?’
‘Y-es.’ Allen felt that he was being gently tipped backwards, guided to lie
down. Don’t be scared, he told himself. You’ve lain down with him before, it’s
been fine. But nothing happenedthen. But… but it’s Gaddes, I can trust him, he
won’t do anything bad…isn’t this all bad? I - I think I want it… I don’t know
what ‘it’ is. He felt his shoulderblades bump against the adobe of the rooftop;
he hadn’t realised how tense his back was.
‘Just relax,’ Gaddes was telling him softly, stroking his neck, his shoulders,
‘it’s all right. It’s all right. We can stop if you want to, but give me a
chance…’
‘I don’t want to stop,’ Allen said, ‘I just don’t know - I don’t know what
we’re doing.’ It made him feel clumsy all over again, and embarrassingly young
and stupid, to see and feel how easily Gaddes moved, how naturally he had taken
up this position astride Allen’s body, not yet lowering his weight upon him. He
seemed to hover above him like a lover in a dream.
‘You do,’ said Gaddes, sounding affectionately amused. ‘You’ve done this
before.’
‘When?’ Allen asked, honestly puzzled. ‘I thought I only kissed you once when I
was drunk. Why’re you laughing? You are laughing, aren’t you?’ He could feel
little puffs of breath against his neck, Gaddes chuckling silently.
‘I hope you don’t forget me as fast as you’re forgetting Marlene,’ Gaddes said,
kissing his throat again, a warm cheerful smack with a tickle of laughter in
it. So much for the beautiful princess.
‘That was nothing like this!’ Allen protested. ‘And - and I’m not forgetting
her, but you wouldn’t want me to think of her while I’m with you, would you? I
can’t think of her when you kiss me.’
‘Thank you,’ Gaddes whispered. ‘Tell me why it’s not like that.’ He returned to
nipping at Allen’s collarbone, working at the second button of his shirt. He
could hear Allen’s breathing turning to fluttering shudders; placing his hand
over his heart he could feel it thumping.
‘Because… because I didn’t feel like this. Because… it’s not sad… it’s not
desperate… and… and you’re not grabbing me.’ Another soft explosion of
smothered laughter against his skin.
‘Want me to grab you?’ A hand sliding up his thigh; suddenly he realised that
Marlene had been as clumsy a fumbler as he had; the only reason she knew how he
should touch her body was that it was her own. She had touched his hastily,
urgently, with desire but without comprehension. When Gaddes touched him it
would be different.
Gaddes found his hand suddenly trapped between Allen’s thighs, pressing
together tensely.
‘Or not,’ he said evenly. ‘Can I have my hand back?’
‘I can’t,’ Allen said. ‘Not up here. Anyone could come along and see us.’
‘No-one ever does come along while we’re up here,’ Gaddes pointed out.
‘I feel as if everyone can see me.’ Allen sat up, hitching himself away
backwards.
‘No-one can see you, but if you’re not comfortable outdoors we’ll go inside.
It’s not a problem. Don’t look so worried, love.’ He moved to kiss Allen, to
try to soothe him back into welcoming their closeness.
‘I want to stop,’ Allen said urgently, scrambling to his feet. ‘Stop now.’
‘I thought you were enjoying it,’ said Gaddes, dismayed beyond words. ‘Can’t
you tell me what I’ve done wrong? I didn’t want to upset you.’ He was still on
his knees, looking up beseechingly. ‘Please, just sit down again. I won’t touch
you if you don’t want me to. Please?’ Perhaps humour would break the ice again.
‘Pretty please?’
‘I can’t,’ Allen said again, backing towards the ladder. ‘I have to go. I can’t
possibly.’
‘Why not?’ Gaddes almost wailed. He was gone; the last glimpse he got was
Allen’s hair lifting and swirling like a pennant in the cold breeze that swept
across the rooftop. The silk scarf had fallen and threatened to blow away; he
caught it and sat huddled up, his face pressed into its soft crumpled folds,
breathing in the scent of Allen’s skin, deep, shuddering breaths that
threatened to become sobs. It wasn’t just the frustration, the denial that
seemed so cruel after the offering of such hope; it was the pain of seeing
Allen draw back with fear and confusion and distrust in his eyes. What does he
imagine I’m going to do? What’s he afraid of? Am I all wrong, wanting to make
love to him? I can’t help it. I can never be pure and cold like that. If I
love, I love with all my body, not just my heart.
Is it because I reminded him of Marlene? Does he feel like he’s betraying her
with me?
Is he just back to his old hobbyhorse of wanting so-called safe love?
A few hot tears soaked into the crumpled silk.
I don’t understand. It was supposed to be all right now.
 
He stayed on the roof for a long time, while sunset faded and night descended.
He heard the night patrols go out, men calling to each other, everyday voices,
nothing out of the ordinary happening to them. He should be down there giving
orders, directing them to their sectors for the night. He stayed where he was.
Someone seemed to be taking care of it. Perhaps that was Allen. No-one was
looking for him. The night was turning cold. He heard an owl’s hunting cry.
‘Oh, fuck off,’ he said, as if Natal could hear him. It was salt in the wound.
He pushed himself to his feet, stuffing the scarf into his pocket, and went to
the ladder. There was no mileage in staying up here to catch his death again.
Be sensible. Come on, did you really expect it to work out? Did you really
think you weren’t an idiot to get your hopes up? He’s not like you, not gagging
for it, so desperate he makes a fool of himself.
He made his way to his room, passing Allen’s forbiddingly closed door before
turning in at his own, and started to undress for bed, pulling off his boots
and throwing them against the wall. Who cares if he hears. If he can’t sleep
tonight either, good. He was down to his shirt and underwear when he heard the
tapping through the wall he shared with Allen, a soft, hesitant knocking.. He
stood frozen with his hands halfway to pulling his shirt, unbuttoned at the
neck, off over his head. There was no more sound for long enough for him to
begin to think the tapping had been imaginary or coincidental; perhaps Allen
had simply rolled over heavily in his sleep and the headboard of the bed had
knocked against the wall. If he was in there asleep; there was no way to
determine that from this side.
Then the tapping came again, accompanied by a hushed voice.
‘Gaddes? Can you hear me?’
For a moment he felt perversely tempted to say ‘No.’
‘Gaddes?’ Allen sounded upset. It was impossible to be cold when he imagined
the look that he knew would be on his face.
‘I’m here,’ Gaddes said. He ducked under the hanging hammock and put his hand
to the wall. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Are you angry with me?’ Allen pressed his ear against the wall, straining to
hear; Gaddes seemed to have gone silent. After a long pause he answered.
‘I’m… I’m not happy with you. I don’t believe you mean to do it, but the way
you’re behaving… I can’t handle being teased like this. You know how I feel
about you. If you’re not sure you feel the same way, please, don’t… don’t start
anything you’re not sure you want to finish. It’d be a relief for me and I
think you’d be more comfortable too. You obviously don’t really like it when we
get too close, so… okay… never mind.’
‘That’s not fair,’ Allen said quietly. ‘I don’t start everything. And you’re
the one who keeps asking me to give you a chance and let you try something. I
don’t know how to say no at first. I get all confused, and I don’t know whether
I’m going to want to say no when you’re starting to do something I know nothing
about.’
Gaddes leaned his forehead against the wall. ‘I love you,’ he said, ‘and I want
to make love to you. That’s all I know now. I know I’m being unreasonable but I
can’t help it. I don’t want to make you unhappy. I’m telling you, I won’t touch
you if you don’t want me to. I just need to know what you want.’
‘I do want you to touch me! Please… Gaddes, could you come in here to my room?
I can’t talk to you properly through a wall. Please. I promise it’s not a
tease. I - I can’t sleep without seeing you.’
Gaddes sighed. ‘All right. You know I can’t really say no to you.’
‘Can’t you?’ Allen sounded surprised.
Gaddes could not be bothered to get dressed again. No-one would see him except
Allen, who could just deal with it as far as he was concerned. In any case, he
was technically decent. It felt strange to walk in the corridor barefoot.
Allen’s door was still closed. He knocked quietly.
‘Come in.’
He turned the handle and opened the door, feeling very conscious of each
mechanical step of the action, of the arc described by the door as it swung
into the room. The room was lit only by one candle on the little table beside
the bed. Allen was sitting up, his arms around his quilt-covered knees. He
looked up at Gaddes, his face earnest and troubled.
‘Shut the door behind you,’ he said, ‘and come here… please.’
‘Yes, Boss,’ said Gaddes, a little sarcastically. He crossed the room and stood
by the bed as if awaiting orders.
‘Please don’t behave this way,’ Allen said. ‘I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I would
rather cut my heart out than hurt my dearest friend. Won’t you just sit down
and let me speak to you the way I always have?’
Gaddes sat down on the edge of the bed; he was beginning to feel cruel, seeing
the look on Allen’s face, so he manufactured a brief smile to reassure him.
Allen smiled back, gingerly. His raised knees made a barrier between them.
‘I want to apologise for running away from you today,’ he said quickly. ‘I
should have been more sensible. I became afraid because… because my feelings
were so strong. When I was kissing you I kept thinking that I wanted to feel I
had the power to make you lose control, to make you overcome with desire -‘
‘Which you do,’ Gaddes put in.
‘But,’ Allen said, drawing in his breath as if preparing for a momentous
utterance, ‘I hadn’t thought enough about the power you have over me. When I
thought of you touching me the way Marlene had, I realised I would lose
control, I would be - even more passionate than with her, even more blind and
hungry. There would be no way to stop myself, no will to stop myself, and I
would give myself up to you as I did with her… and I don’t know what it will be
like and things went so badly with Marlene that it frightens me. My passions
have never gotten me into anything but trouble. I love you so much, so much
more than I’d realised I could feel love… it means losing myself in you
entirely, which I am afraid to do. That’s all. But once I was alone I knew
that… that however much I feared it I wanted it more… and when I heard you come
in and start getting ready for bed I had to try… I want to, um…’ He was looking
at his fingers as he spoke, pleating together the edge of the bedspread. ‘I
want to surrender.’
‘I - pardon?’ Gaddes was a little lost now; the change of tack had thrown him,
and once again what he was hearing seemed too good to be true.
‘I want you to - to go ahead and do what you would have done if there had been
no interruption. I want to make love with you. I promise you I do. I might get
nervous or frightened along the way, but you mustn’t let me bolt again. If
we’re here in my own bed I can’t make excuses. I have asked you in here and
offered myself to you and there is no taking it back. Please… show me what to
do. I’ve tried so hard to imagine it and I can’t.’ He let out a shuddering
breath, as if the worst was over. ‘You might at least say something, Gaddes.’
‘Yes?’
‘Please don’t pretend you haven’t heard me!’
‘I meant yes to what you said. If you really mean it. You’ll let me stay here
all night?’
‘Will you need all night?’ asked Allen, looking startled. It made Gaddes
chuckle; it was a relief to laugh a little at this stage.
‘No, but I do expect to want to sleep at some stage afterwards, and you will
too. You’ll let me stay? You’ll sleep in my arms?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Allen. ‘That part is easy.’ He was starting to look anxious, but
was clearly making an effort to control his nerves.
‘And this time,’ Gaddes went on, ‘if there’s anything you’re not sure about,
anything you don’t think you like, or anything you just don’t understand or
want to know more about, ask meinstead of freezing up. All right? I’ll go very
slowly and I can stop whenever necessary, within reason. And remember I love
you… and remember all I want to do is please you.’ He leaned forward and kissed
Allen on the cheek, just a whisper of a kiss.
‘All right,’ said Allen, carefully. His voice was sounding tight and thin
again, although it had a little tremble to it that sounded rather eager. ‘What
should I do?’
‘I’ve told you, you know what to do, for a beginning anyway. I’ll talk to you
too, I’ll tell you what I’m doing and what I need from you. Just try to relax.
You’ll enjoy it more that way.’
‘Should I get undressed?’
Gaddes paused, thinking about it. ‘Not right away,’ he said. ‘There’s no reason
to rush. You could let me get under the covers, though. There’s not a lot I can
do through an eiderdown.’
‘Sorry,’ said Allen, hastily making room and holding up the covers to let
Gaddes slip in beside him. ‘I should have thought, I should…’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Gaddes said, trying to calm him. He was already
becoming excited just by the feeling of lying beside Allen, with the warmth of
the covers over them and nothing between them but a space that could easily be
closed.
‘Well, I want to please you too, I don’t want to get everything wrong and make
a mess of it and…’ Gaddes closed his mouth with a kiss.
‘You’re not going to get it wrong,’ he whispered. ‘I’m not going to care if you
make mistakes. Just the fact that you are here with me, and you love me, and
I’m allowed to touch you, is perfect. You seriously can’t muck that up.
Anything you do on top of that is going to be a bonus. So stop worrying so
much, and lie down, and let me be in charge. I’m older than you and must know
better.’ He kissed him again. ‘That’s a joke, by the way. We don’t have to be
deadly serious. The whole thing is pretty silly when you think about it. It
isn’t meant to be a solemn ritual or some kind of elegant dance. It’s just
something very nice for you and me to do together because we’re in love. All
right? Think of it like that. We’re going to have fun.’ With his hands on
Allen’s shoulders, he guided him to lie down, and lay beside him looking into
his eyes. There was a dreamy peacefulness about this, no urgency. A whole
night, uninterrupted…
‘I’m stupid,’ Allen said.
‘Why?’ He began to stroke Allen’s hair. It felt slightly damp, cool against his
fingers.
‘Because I spent so much time imagining making love with you and liking it as
long as it was imaginary… and then getting frightened when it was real.’
‘I thought you said you couldn’t imagine what it would be like.’
‘I can’t. I can only imagine you touching me the way I would touch myself.’
Enjoying the delicacy of the movement, Gaddes tucked a strand of hair back
behind Allen’s ear. ‘That’s pretty much what I’m going to do.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Seriously. Unless you have some pretty funny ways of touching yourself there
won’t be too many surprises at first.’
‘Oh,’ said Allen, brightening up perceptibly. This was a great weight off his
mind.
‘Hadn’t you worked that out, sweetheart? Give me a kiss…’ The dream-feeling
continued as he drew Allen closer to him, feeling his lips part easily, without
resistance or uncertainty. This, at least, had become familiar to both of them,
and they could begin to enjoy it for its own sake, without the confusion that
attended the pleasure of novelty. After a while, he thought, it would be him
guiding Allen along again, but for now they were more or less equal partners,
taking and giving pleasure with some confidence.
‘I have a question,’ Allen said suddenly, drawing back.
‘What, already? Go on, then.’
‘Is kissing like this, with your tongue, a men-together thing or just a Gaddes
thing?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Is that an insulting question?’ Allen looked worried.
‘No, I just can’t believe you don’t know. Surely you kissed Marlene like this.’
‘No.’ Allen shook his head slowly.
‘I don’t know if the word for you is “ignorant” or “innocent”.’
‘Does everyone know about this?’
‘Don’t panic, love.’
‘It’s not very nice of you to laugh at me.’
‘I’m not laughing at you… I just think you’re very cute.’
‘Don’t be so patronising,’ Allen scolded him, but there was a hint of amusement
in his voice.
‘And I have a question, why is your hair wet?’
‘I washed it before I went to bed. Smell me, I’m all clean.’ Bubbles of
laughter rose up again as Gaddes nuzzled into the side of his neck, making
rapturous snuffling sounds.
‘Mm. Soap!’
‘You’re really quite weird.’
‘You don’t say. Rosewater soap. You girl.’
‘I warned you I was effeminate.’
‘And I told you you’re not.’ Gaddes laid a trail of kisses along the line of
Allen’s collarbone, working down to the little central dent, where he lingered
a moment, softly flicking the tip of his tongue up and down.
‘I - I always bathe at night, although of course I have to do it at the
washstand, standing up in a little tub,’ Allen said. ‘I like to go to bed
feeling clean, and - can I ask for something? Could you, um, do the other side
too, before you go any lower?’
‘Course I could. I wonder why I didn’t know that? About your bathing habits, I
mean.’
‘You usually go to bed quite a bit later than me,’ Allen pointed out. ‘Even
when we come back in from night patrol at the same time - you go off talking to
people, or go to the mess and have a cup of tea or something. I hear you come
in when I’m already in bed, reading or writing my diary. It’s rather soothing
listening to you moving around getting ready for bed… knowing your night
sounds. Oh!’ This last was because Gaddes had found by chance a sensitive place
between shoulder and neck. Encouraged, he started gently but persistently
working at it with lips and tongue, then switched to stroking with his fingers
so he could whisper in Allen’s ear.
‘You know, it’s a good thing I didn’t know? If I’d had to imagine you standing
there naked, bathing yourself… I wouldn’t have slept much this past year.’
‘You could… you could come in and watch me from now on. If… if that’s the kind
of thing you’d like, I mean…’
‘You must know I’d like it. Can I go lower now? Has your neck had enough?’
‘For now. Um - if you were going to watch me, could I watch you?’ Allen was
trying to keep himself calm by talking, but he was not sure it would prove an
effective strategy, or even if calmness were a desirable state. Gaddes was
unfastening the button that held the front of the soft cotton robe together; it
was sliding open; he was slipping it down over Allen’s arms, uncovering his
shoulders and chest, continuing to nuzzle softly against his neck, not even
looking yet at his nakedness.
‘I love the thought of you watching me,’ he murmured, the soft vibration of the
words adding to the sweet tickle of the caress. ‘Help me, here - arms out of
sleeves - is this all right? Let me kiss you…’ He returned to Allen’s mouth,
kissing softly and then with more pressure, catching Allen’s lower lip between
his teeth and gently biting before releasing him.. Allen had been unsure how to
move; now his arms closed around Gaddes’ body without hesitation and he reached
up to stroke his hair. He felt fingernails drawn lightly across the bare skin
of his back and shivered.
‘How can scratching and biting feel good?’
‘Don’t ask me. You make it sound like a cat fight.’
‘You said ask questions.’
‘I know… I don’t always have answers… don’t worry about it. Kiss me more.’ He
was losing track of what he had meant to do; it was so delightful just to
meander around like this, with Allen pressing kiss after kiss into his mouth,
like swallowing sip after sip of sweet strong wine until it made his head spin.
To his astonishment, Allen reached behind him, took one of his hands and guided
it down to his rear. His fingers spread and tightened almost involuntarily, and
he heard a soft, throaty little moan of pleasure, something close to a purr. I
can’t believe he is not only letting me grab his ass, he’s inviting me to do
it. I need him on top of me. He slid his hand down under Allen’s thigh, pulling
it up over his own hip as he rolled onto his back. Yes. I am lying in bed with
Allen sitting astride me. Now this is what you call a successful evening.
‘Am I squashing you?’ Allen asked anxiously. He sat up, sweeping his hair back
from his flushed face with his hands.
‘Oh no. No, stay right there. I just want to look at you.’ Look at you, sitting
there with your nightclothes pushed down round your waist and hiked up round
your hips, knowing I love you, starting to feel how gorgeous you are and what
you can do to me.
‘Well, I’ll look at you too,’ said Allen. ‘I always have liked the look of
you.’
‘Of me?’
‘Of you… I always thought you had wonderful olivey skin. I’ve wished I were
golden-brown like you. I’m too pale.’
‘You have skin like a peach.’
‘So that’s why you want to bite me. I don’t know why I was so nervous,’ Allen
said with a little smile. ‘I like this. Do you think maybe I only needed to be
somewhere comfortable?’ He was playing with Gaddes’ shirt-tails, and seemed
almost unaware of what he was sitting on. ‘Could I… you know, unbutton you?’
‘You certainly could.’ Ilovehow bold he’s getting now. He concentrated on
keeping still, on not interfering while Allen unbuttoned his shirt from the
bottom up, working his way back to a kiss, now lying on top of him, an embrace
of bare warm skin.
‘You’re still more manly than me,’ Allen murmured, ‘you have hair on your
chest.’
‘Oh, big deal.’ I can’t believe – just can’t believe – that I am allowed to
stroke his legs while he kisses me, stroke higher and touch his bare ass, and
feel him sigh and squirm against me… this is not the boy the princess had. Good
God, Allen, you’re basically naked – how did you get this far?
‘Gaddes?’ Allen breathed.
‘Mm?’
‘You – um – you said you were going to touch me the way I’d touch myself…’
‘And?’
‘And – and I would be ready for you to do that now… if you want to…’
‘You know I want to.’ Kissing him deeply, Gaddes rolled Allen back across the
bed.
‘Oh, wait.’
‘Wait?’ Oh, no, not now.
‘I have another question. It’s a silly one.’
‘Go on, then. How silly is “silly”?’
‘I – I just thought – should I still be calling you Gaddes now? I mean – it
doesn’t sound terribly affectionate to use your surname – would you like me to
say Samivel now, or Sam, or…?’
Gaddes raised himself on hands and knees, trying to think. ‘Um… no, I want you
to call me what you’ve always called me.’
‘But you say Allen now and not Boss. I just thought…’
‘It’s different. The last person who called me Sam or anything like it was you
know who from the Tragic Past. It’s… it’s funny, I guess, because I told you to
call me Gaddes in the first place because I didn’t want to be over-friendly…
but because that’s the name you call me it’s the name I like best now. Who else
calls me that? I’m Sarge to all the rest of the guys. When you call me that I
feel kind of special.’
‘So it’s all right to keep going as I am?’
‘Yes – problem solved?’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘Good, because I’ve just remembered I never did kiss lower than your neck and
I’ve got to make up for that.’
‘Oh…’ Allen raised his hands to Gaddes’ head again, guiding him down, stroking
the back of his neck. He had observed before that Gaddes was a well-formed
young man, had been used to his warm physical presence and even sought it, but
he had never quite realised how it would be to touch the smooth, firm muscle of
his shoulders and feel that body labouring over his own. It made him feel weak
with love.
‘I’ve just noticed I gave you some little love-bites here before… you’re a
bruised peach.’
Allen closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath as kisses descended down the
line of his jaw, the side of his neck, the curve of his collarbone, a warm
sliding line down the centre of his chest; hands framing his face, his
shoulders, sliding down to his chest; he felt his nipples grow hard against
Gaddes’ palms, a tightening he associated with cold, not with the rising,
lapping heat he felt now. Fingers working over those two hard little buttons,
stroking and pinching. How can what you do up here make me feel so much down
there? On the right, thumb circling, tickling; on the left, sudden heat and
wetness and firm, living lips; deep, drawing suction that dropped away to the
fluttering tip of a tongue, then surged again. He tried to speak and could only
whimper.
Gaddes felt Allen’s body arch under him, felt the swollen nipple under his
tongue and gave in to his urge to very gently bite. The boy gasped and
quivered; the fingers of his left hand clenched amid Gaddes’ hair while the
right tried awkwardly, blindly, to help with the manipulation of the other
nipple. His breath came rapidly, hoarsely, his lips shining wet.
‘Please… more, other side. Gaddes, don’t stop!’
‘Just for a second… just let me…’ He was fumbling with the knotted sash of the
nightrobe, which had managed to get itself twisted round and pulled tight. It
took some effort to wrench it loose and push the tangled fabric away; then he
was overwhelmed by the knowledge that Allen was naked beneath him. He dropped
his head to work at the left side of Allen’s chest while his right hand dove
down over his taut belly to find and grip the warm, hard shaft of his cock. He
felt it almost jump at the first touch, pulsing and tightening in his hand, as
Allen cried out and arched his back. He was too excited himself to work with
any delicacy now; he squeezed and pumped and felt his heart skip at every one
of Allen’s urgent moans.
I want more, more of him,givehim more. Hasty, wet kisses down over the chest
and belly, holding the hot shaft with both hands while backing up on his knees,
deep breath and take it in. He closed his eyes and swirled his tongue against
the tender tip of Allen’s erection while he sucked, holding steady as the boy’s
hips bucked upward and his whole body shook with tense pleasure.
‘Oh God – Gaddes, please… you don’t… oh! Oh please, yes! Yes!’ He grabbed hold
of the pillow under his head, feeling as if his arms would lash wildly if he
didn’t restrain them somehow, bracing his splayed legs against the mattress and
forcing his hips up, feeling the wet sucking heat slide up and down, drawing
his burning blood down to its embrace, reaching and rubbing a frantic itch
inside him, bearing down on what had always needed to be touched, finally
reaching a breaking point that released every tight-drawn nerve and slammed him
to the bed, gasping and weeping and almost laughing with delight.
A few seconds later he felt Gaddes kiss him again, blind and hungry; a salty
taste and sticky warmth on his lips, and breath of loving desire.
‘Did I make you happy?’
Allen was unable to answer except with feverish kisses.
‘You must be happy, you came like a geyser going off.’
‘Very… oh, very happy.’
‘Has anyone ever done that to you before?’
‘You know they haven’t.’
‘Do you want anyone else?’
‘No… no, I want only you forever.’ In this kiss, he felt as if his soul entered
Gaddes’ body.
‘Love you.’
‘Love you so much… Gaddes, why’re you shaking?’
‘Just touch me. Please touch me.’ He felt his hand grabbed and thrust inside
the waist of Gaddes’ underwear, and understood in time to take hold and
clumsily guide him to a climax. Gaddes collapsed on top of him, panting for
air. Allen lay still, wondering at the feeling of his weight, stroking the
still-erect member he held.
I’ve just made love… really, me… the man whose… thing is softening in my hand
is my lover. Gaddes is my lover.
‘Mmm…’ Gaddes pressed another kiss into the side of Allen’s neck, tasting salty
sweat. ‘All right?’
‘You said you weren’t going to surprise me. I was extremely surprised just
now.’
‘I only said no surprises at first… besides, that’s a nice surprise, right?’
‘Yes.’ They lay still for a while now, listening to one another’s slackening
breathing. Somewhere outside someone laughed; some lonely night-bird called and
another answered.
‘Did I do a good job for you?’ Allen asked.
‘Perfect.’
‘Because I wasn’t really sure what I was doing.’
‘That didn’t matter at all, love. Am I getting too heavy on top here?’
‘I like how heavy you feel. I want to be very close to you.’
‘Do you feel sleepy now?’
‘Not very. Peaceful, but not sleepy.’
‘How do you feel about another go-round, once you’ve recovered a bit?’
‘Really?’
‘I love how easily impressed you are. “Really?” Did you hear yourself? You’re
sweet.’ I can’t stop smiling. Tenderly, he stroked Allen’s hair, feeling that
the two of them floated together in a warm little pool of intimacy and quiet.
‘When we go round again…’
‘Yes?’
‘Will you, um…’ A shy smile, veiled eyes.
‘Will I what?’ A kiss for encouragement.
‘Will it be the same as this first time, or will there be other surprises?’
‘More surprises, definitely.’
‘I don’t know how I’m going to cope. You startled me enough this time. Kissing
me here…’ he traced his fingers over his chest ‘… I didn’t even realise I had
feeling here. Any more than usual, I mean. Is it the same for you?’ His fingers
strayed to Gaddes’ chest, a ticklish exploration.
‘You’re learning so fast.’
‘I’m still very innocent-ignorant. I still want you to explain things. I was
astonished when you – you know, when you did that thing with your mouth. Down
here. I would never have thought of that.’
‘But you liked it.’
‘And you didn’t mind?’
‘I chose to do it, sweetie. On purpose and everything. Want me to do it again?’
‘Seriously?’
‘Seriously.’
‘And – and could I sit up, so I could watch you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Everything is allowed with you, isn’t it?’
‘Everything that’s any good. Come on. Let’s give you a treat.’ Their bodies
moved easily over the tumbled sheets; the covers had slipped back, but that was
no discomfort. With the pillows at his back, Allen sat leaning against the
headboard, mildly high on the feeling of daring, the feeling that he was
beautiful, the feeling that he could have whatever he asked for and would even
be presented with new and unheard-of, unasked-for delights. This bed, this
room, made up an enchanted space in which secrets unfolded themselves and
enfolded him; Gaddes knew every secret and soon he would know too.
And I can sit here, naked, with my legs apart, and I am not being wicked, not
being dirty, not getting anyone into trouble. He will open all the secrets with
me and then we’ll hide them all in one, great, warm secret of our own. He wants
to see me, he wants to look, and I can look back so boldly and invite him
onward. The boy in the picture must have felt like this.
Gaddes knelt in front of him, in the V of his spread legs, and kissed his
mouth, gently, placing his hands above Allen’s knees and sliding them slowly
and firmly up over his thighs; they passed up to his hips and slipped down
again, a rhythmic sweep whose arc decreased a little with each pass. The
pressure of his thumbs traced a thick warm line along the tense inner thighs on
each inward sweep.
‘It feels like you’re marking a blaze to show where you’re going,’ Allen
murmured.
‘Well, this time I want to do it properly. Slowly, and gently, and with lots of
attention to detail.’ He looked down, admiring what was taking shape between
his hands.
‘And – and you haven’t even touched it yet,’ Allen said a little breathlessly.
‘Go on.’
‘No… we’re going slowly.’ His thumbs brushed red-gold curls and he felt Allen’s
body shudder. ‘Is that nice?’
‘Mm…’ His eyes closed for a moment.
‘And I am getting closer.’
‘You’re enjoying tormenting me.’
‘Only teasing you a little bit.’
‘Why does it feel so different with your hands? I wouldn’t feel half so excited
if I were stroking myself this way.’
‘I’ve always thought… it’s because you know what your own hands are going to do
next… and because you can feel what you’re touching at the same time as you
feel it being touched. This way there’s a bit of suspense.’ He stroked higher
up, over flat stomach muscle.
‘The suspense is killing me.’ A wry half-grin.
‘But, like a good boy, you’re being very patient.’ His hands slipped down and
closed around rising warmth; Allen’s eyes flicked closed again as he drew in a
delighted gasp.
‘Now will you rub it?’ he asked.
‘Or impatient. Maybe I’ll just take my hands away.’
‘Oh, no!’ He sounded almost childishly dismayed.
‘All right… false alarm…’ Gaddes leaned forward to nuzzle against the side of
Allen’s neck and brush his skin with a kiss. ‘But how do you want me to do it?’
he whispered into the silk curtains of his hair.
‘There’s only one way to rub, surely.’
‘But think about variations… we could start small.’ He made a ring of his thumb
and forefinger, snugly encircling Allen’s cock, and drew it slowly up and down.
‘Mm?’
‘I like this… because I find it lets me draw the feeling out longer, and not
lose control too quickly. But sometimes it’s not enough, is it? Would you like
two fingers?’
‘Yes,’ said Allen instantly. He drew in his breath expectantly and let it out
in a rush as Gaddes changed his grip. He had been sitting with his hands by his
sides; now he raised one and took hold of Gaddes’ wrist, guiding him to move
his hand a little faster. Gaddes found himself more aroused by that touch, that
insistence, than anything else in that moment.
‘You wanted to watch,’ he murmured. ‘Look at that, look at your hand and mine
stroking your big, hard…’ To his astonishment, he was silenced by an urgent,
demanding kiss. ‘Um,’ he said when he was released, a little thrown. ‘Whole
hand now?’
‘Yes!’ Eagerly, Allen pushed Gaddes’ hand into position before he had time to
move by himself. ‘Oh yes…’ There was an expression of exquisite tension on his
face, brows drawn together in a way that was almost quizzical, as if he were
puzzled by the energy illuminating his features. He had ignored the suggestion
to look, keeping his eyes closed. By now his erection was at a peak, fully
awakened, petal-soft skin overlaying its pulsing core of hardness. Gaddes was
almost equally aroused; not totally, still awaiting the encouragement of touch.
It was strange how he seemed to be lagging behind; here he was with his shirt
and underwear still on, if disarrayed, while Allen was bare to his eyes; here
he was slowly smouldering while Allen shone with flame.
‘And play with the tip,’ Allen told him, more distinctly than his rapid
breathing would have suggested he could.
‘You’re so bossy.’ Gladly, he let Allen show him exactly what he meant, exactly
where he needed firm manipulation. ‘And where are those fingers going?’ With
his free hand, Allen was fumbling lower, reaching between his parted thighs so
that for a startled moment Gaddes thought he was trying to penetrate himself
with his own fingers, more knowing than he would ever have anticipated; it was
rather shocking, and he felt that he somewhat disapproved. Allen shouldn’t do
that; it wasn’t like him. Anyway, he would have to move for it to work; but no,
it makes sense now, I can see what he’s up to. Little devil.
‘Are you happy to do that alone or should I tickle under your balls too?’
‘Tickle…’ Allen moaned as Gaddes’ fingers joined his, pressed between hot downy
skin and rumpled sheets.
‘There’s a little place under here, isn’t there… a little place where I can
push… and wiggle my finger round a bit… right?’ Behind the soft mass he found a
small indentation, temptingly close to what he thought of as his final
destination, but it wasn’t time for that yet. Pressure and friction worked
together to make Allen whimper and push against his hand; his head tilted back
as his spine arched, completing the abandonment of his posture.
‘Do you know how good you look, loving yourself like this?’ I think I get you
now… once you’ve made up your mind to do something, whatever it is, you do it
100%. I always saw it… you just set your eyes on the goal and go, you’ll take
anything in your stride, you give yourself completely to whatever you do. It’s
your courage and your charm. And if what you’ve decided to do is surrender, to
me and to yourself…
‘Do you know how good I feel because you love me?’ Allen murmured. He raised
his head a little and opened his eyes drowsily. ‘What… what will you do now?’
Gaddes answered by lowering his warm, wet mouth onto the swollen head of his
cock. As he drew it in deeper, Allen’s hands dropped helplessly, then rose and
tangled in Gaddes’ hair. The first time had thrilled him, had seemed like the
deepest pleasure possible, until now; it was like how you might think cotton
was soft until you had touched silk. The difference, as with their hands, was
control; Gaddes took control and made him lose it completely. This time, too,
Gaddes was in control of himself; the first had been like being hungrily
devoured, swallowed whole, and now he felt he was tasted and savoured at
leisure.
Does he like the taste of me? Is it a pleasure to him to do this, or is he just
being sweet and deferring his own enjoyment for mine? He was willingly
abandoning the effort to think clearly.Oh God… oh love, swallow me up… oh yes…
He was about a finger’s width away from a final ecstatic spasm when Gaddes
released him; he felt the air as cold against his wet skin and blinked in
confusion.
‘You haven’t finished,’ he said, ‘I mean I haven’t.’
‘I know… just give me a moment, I need to get out of this.’ He was pulling off
the shirt, throwing it away.
‘It’s just getting between us,’ Allen said. ‘Nothing should get between us.’
‘You’re so very right.’ He turned aside for a moment, lifting his body so he
could get out of his shorts, kicking them to the floor and twisting back to
face Allen.
‘Goodness,’ said Allen faintly. ‘I’ve – you know I’ve never seen another man in
this state before. It’s so dark.’
‘Can’t see?’ The candle had guttered out some time ago; neither of them had
noticed when.
‘I mean you’re dark.’
‘And you’re golden. You shine in the dark.’ He reached out and found a hand,
slipped his fingers between Allen’s as he leaned closer.
‘I quote: “I can see you with my eyes closed, like when you look at the sun by
accident and shut your eyes and there's still a bright spot in the dark”,’
Allen said, squeezing Gaddes’ hand. ‘I read that part again and again. I can’t
believe it’s about me.’
‘You’re the sun in my sky. Stop me before I say something really mushy.’
‘You can’t say anything if you kiss me.’ Their lips joined again; Gaddes could
feel the eagerness in Allen, the new fire burning bright and high, with no idea
of restraint. He remembered that feeling; it was sweet, so sweet to engender it
in the one he loved, and to know that his intentions were good, that he would
never willingly use Allen as he had been used. Maybe I’m actually worthy of his
love; at least I’ll try to be.
‘Won’t you…’ Allen breathed, ‘won’t you please finish?’
‘No…’
‘No?’ His voice was plaintive.
‘There’s something else… roll over, sweetheart.’
Allen obeyed without asking why, although he was confused. Lying on his
stomach, a sweat-dampened pillow under his cheek, he felt Gaddes’ hands on his
lower back, resting gently for a moment, then pressing warmly so that answering
heat grew in the skin beneath them.
‘A – a back rub’s nice, but it’s not really time…’
‘It’s not a back rub.’ His hands slid down to softly knead at Allen’s buttocks,
his thumbs describing spirals.
‘A bottom rub?’ There was a little throb of laughter in Allen’s voice. ‘I knew
you were weird.’
‘But does it feel good?’
‘Well… yes. Being stroked by you always feels good.’
‘And you still don’t know everywhere you can feel pleasure. We’ve proved that.’
His hands went lower, nudging Allen’s thighs apart, opening the way. He felt
light-headed with desire, with anticipation of desire’s fulfilment.
‘I love you, Allen. I want to be with you.’ Kneading at the buttocks again,
gently parting them. ‘I need to be inside you.’ Muscle tightened sharply,
clenching together and shutting him out.
‘Don’t be silly,’ Allen said, his voice high and tight.
‘I’m not… don’t worry, it’s easy. Our bodies want to join together like this.’
‘We can’t possibly. I don’t know why you’d even joke about it.’
‘What?’ Gaddes stared at Allen’s tense shoulders, at the side view of his face
almost masked by the sweep of his hair. ‘Look… love, I told you, if there’s
something you’re not sure about, we can talk about it, don’t freeze up… how can
you be so sure? You don’t know what it’s like, and I do, and I swear I wouldn’t
ask you to do anything that wasn’t all right.’
‘How can you say that? That’s what he did to you, raping you, hurting you. How
can you want to do that to me?’
Gaddes paused, momentarily dumbstruck and trying not to panic. ‘It – it doesn’t
have to hurt,’ he said, feeling that he sounded very stupid.
‘What do you mean?’ said Allen. He sounded surprised; somehow that was
encouraging.
‘I mean… hang on. Allen, did you think that the only times he put it inside me
were when I didn’t want it? That I never actually welcomed him in? What do you
think we were doing all that time?’
‘The… the things you’ve just been doing with me,’ Allen faltered. ‘Nice
things.’
‘Well, all of that too… except when he was in a hurry or couldn’t be bothered…
but most of the times I had him inside me, in the early days especially, I
loved it. That’s the feeling I want to give you now. I would never, ever, try
to do it in a way that would hurt, or when you really didn’t want me to. Come
on, you know that really, don’t you?’ He stroked Allen’s back. ‘I want to be
better to you than he ever was to me. I want to take all the good I remember,
and double it and give it to you, and kill the bad with how happy we’re going
to be. I want to make love to you, and this is part of it. If you’re sure you
don’t want me to, I won’t… but now you know what I’m talking about could you
think about it?’ Please think fast, because I’m just about bursting here.
‘I… I feel that you believe what you’re saying is true,’ Allen said slowly,
‘but I just don’t understand how it can be… I can’t imagine it.’
‘Didn’t you say you wanted me to show you what you couldn’t imagine?’
Tentatively, he was stroking over Allen’s behind again, feeling a very slight
diminution of its tension. ‘And I did. Remember how good that all felt? Aren’t
you still feeling it?’
‘Y-es,’ said Allen. Even in his consternation the roses were still in his
cheeks, the shine on his lips.
‘Didn’t it make you feel my love all over you, through your mouth and your
skin?’
‘Yes.’ He was almost relaxed again.
‘Don’t you want to feel my love inside you too?’
‘I – maybe – it just seems like so much – I don’t mean to sound like a coward
but you’re so big!’
‘Well, thank you,’ said Gaddes, trying not to grin. ‘And here I thought I was
just about medium.’
‘Am I in any position to judge?’
‘No, that’s not what your position brings to mind.’ A gentle squeeze. ‘You’d be
amazed what you can fit in there. Come on. Want to try it?’
‘I – I suppose – you…’ Allen’s voice trailed off before returning with
strength. ‘You can try. But if I don’t like it you have to stop at once. I mean
it.’
‘Understood. Thank you. Thank you very, very much.’ He reached up to the head
of the bed and grabbed a loose pillow. ‘I’ll make you more comfortable… lift up
your hips… here, underneath… my God, you’re hard. I think I’m jealous of the
pillow.’
‘I feel silly with my bottom sticking up in the air,’ Allen said fretfully.
‘Who can see you except me? And I think you look great. So great… so
beautiful…’ He had been trying to make his tone light-hearted, to reassure
Allen, to reduce the feeling that something cataclysmic was about to happen,
but it was like trying to dam a waterfall. His feelings were a torrent of
tenderness and desire, overcoming any trace of rationality. On an impulse he
bowed his head and started kissing the peach.
‘What are you doing?’ Allen exclaimed. ‘Gaddes, that’s very strange! You’ll…’
He stopped, catching his breath. Gaddes pressed in, nuzzling deeper between his
buttocks; his tongue flicked and lapped like a wet flame.
‘What – what are you – oh God.’ He was shocked to the marrow, it was obscene,
but the pleasure was undeniable. Gaddes said something too muffled for him to
distinguish, and his hands gently spread him wider, and the flame was licking
over that small, tight opening… Allen’s hands knotted among the creases of the
sheets and his mouth opened wordlessly. For a moment he could not even breathe,
and then it was deep, ragged panting that issued as the flame-tongue circled,
and then, horror, delight, probed inward. He was caught between the desire to
feverishly rub his swollen cock against the pillow beneath him and the
compulsion to rear up and back, to meet and invite this exploration. Compulsion
won; his thighs strained as he rose, moaning. Gaddes’ left hand remained
holding his hip while the right dove under his belly and seized his erection,
drawing a cracked gasp from his throat.
‘Please… please…’ It can’t bereal, this double-barrelled bliss. His hips tilted
by themselves, angling up, giving Gaddes better access to the most private and
profane thing he had to offer. The flame flickered and vanished; dismay welled
for an instant before pulsing heat pressed against the threshold, and
disbelieving, he felt himself opened and entered, stretched and filled to the
utmost. He heard a wild cry and realised an instant later that it had been his
own. Gaddes slid to a stop with a deep groan, enveloped and imprisoned within
the hot strait walls of Allen’s body.
He paused a moment to feel the full depth of his penetration before drawing
back, activating exquisite friction. He tried to set a slow, steady rhythm of
smooth, deep strokes, but neither of them could maintain it; their bodies beat
against one another, faster and harder, bearing down on the bed again, Gaddes’
hands gripping Allen’s hips; he felt Allen buck under him and heard him shout
in ecstasy. As if that were a trigger, his own orgasm erupted, a deep, dark,
hot burst of release. The room seemed to swirl around him as his limbs went
limp, collapsing once more, almost insensible for a minute, then gradually
reviving to the reality of Allen’s body beneath him, their ragged breathing,
the sweat-slickness of their skin and the utter completeness of his
satisfaction and joy.
There was a whimper in Allen’s panting and he was afraid he had been too rough;
he thought this in a vague, detached way slipping over the top of his dreamy
contentment, like the way his hands slid on Allen’s perspiring skin. He kissed
the boy’s shoulder and gently pulled out, rolling onto his back at Allen’s
side. For a little time he lay there breathing deeply, but it felt lonely; he
felt Allen stir and turned to wrap his arms around him, pressing his cheek
against his tangled blond hair. The scent of rosewater was long gone; he
smelled salty, musky, red-gold. His arms were trembling as he joined the
embrace.
Broken assurances of love flowed from both of them, breathless thanks and
uncertain apologies; all the words felt like gibberish, a nonsensical tracery
around a strong, clear feeling shared at the most intimate level. Gradually,
they recovered their everyday senses and became more coherent.
‘Stop telling me you’re sorry,’ Allen whispered. ‘I loved that and I know you
did too. You’re not sorry.’
‘Not sorry I did it, but sorry if it wasn’t fair on you,’ Gaddes said. ‘I would
never try to hurt you, like I said, but I didn’t mean to ride you so hard… I
just got carried away and it felt as though you did too.’
‘I did,’ Allen replied. ‘I did. And… I can’t say it didn’t hurt at all, but
somehow it hurt in a way that I wanted. And over and above and through that was
the most wonderful feeling, that grew and grew until I couldn’t feel the pain
any more. I knew you didn’t mean to hurt me. I did feel your love. I felt that
I belonged to you completely.’ He softly rubbed his cheek against Gaddes’
shoulder. ‘And I did have… you know, that moment. The way you were holding me
it shot straight into the pillow. What a mess. There’s always a mess. But it
was worth it this time.’
‘I’m so glad,’ Gaddes murmured into his hair. ‘So glad.’ There was only peace
inside him now.
‘I do want to go to sleep now,’ Allen said. ‘Sleep in your arms. Will you kiss
me goodnight?’
‘Um – not considering where my mouth’s just been. I want to clean up a bit
before we go to sleep. All right? You won’t be lonely if I get out of bed for a
minute?’
‘I will,’ said Allen, ‘but you’ll promise to come back, won’t you?’
‘I promise.’
‘There’s still quite a lot of water in the big jar, but it won’t be warm any
more.’
‘I can cope. I just want to be clean so I’ll be nice to sleep with.’
‘So it’s not… because you feel dirty?’
‘Not in a bad way. Just a – a coming home covered in mud way. I know I’m in a
mess, but I had a hell of a good time getting that way.’ Reluctantly, he
disengaged himself from Allen’s arms and crawled out of bed. He felt pleasantly
weak and woozy all over, and walked carefully to the washstand in the bluish
darkness, in case his legs should let him down. Just enough moonlight came
through the cracks in the shutters for him to see by as he poured water into
the small tub from the pitcher and gave himself a quick spot sponge-bath,
noticing and enjoying the rosewater fragrance of the soap; while he washed away
the thick odours of Allen’s body he was replacing them with the light, sweet
scent of his little luxury. He heard the scratch of a match and looked over his
shoulder to see Allen was relighting the candle.
‘You watching me?’ he asked, affectionately amused.
‘Just a bit,’ said Allen. ‘And I’m trying to put the bed back together so we’ll
be comfortable, and it’s easier to do with some light.’ He broke off to yawn,
pulling up the covers from the foot of the bed. ‘I don’t know what to do with
this poor old defiled pillow.’
‘Turn it over if you don’t mind, chuck it out of the bed if you do.’ It feels
so sweet to be talking like this, like – well, like a couple. He rinsed the
soap from his hands, filled the smaller basin with water and began to wash his
face.
‘The tooth powder’s in the green canister on the left of the basin, if you want
to freshen your mouth,’ Allen said. He was nestling back among the pillows now,
admiring Gaddes with soft sleepy eyes.
‘That’s a good idea. I was thinking I’d have to wash it out with soap.’
‘There’s no question of having to do anything that nasty on a night like
tonight,’ Allen murmured. ‘Gaddes, come back soon.’
‘Nearly done,’ said Gaddes, a little indistinctly as he was using his
forefinger as a toothbrush. ‘Just got to throw away the dirty water.’
‘Out the window with it,’ said Allen lazily. He watched while Gaddes poured the
basin into the tub, carried the tub across the room, opened one shutter and
half the window and tipped the wastewater away. ‘I love how your body moves,’
he said. ‘Even doing something simple like this you look so strong and straight
and clean, like a living bronze sculpture. Oh, close the window. I don’t want
the first mosquitoes of the season in here.’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Gaddes, returning to the bed. Allen welcomed him back with
soft little kisses.
‘Don’t call me sir,’ he said. ‘I like sweetheart better now.’
‘I’ve always thought it would be nicer to call you that.’ He leaned away for a
moment to blow out the candle, then curled up with Allen, their bodies nesting
together like spoons.
‘You smell nice,’ Allen said, rather faintly. His eyes were closed now, very
close to sleeping. In the little light there was he looked very young, like an
exhausted child. ‘Love you, Gaddes.’
‘Love you too, Allen.’ He pressed a kiss against Allen’s cheek, settled his
arms around him, and let himself drift into darkness.
***** Chapter 10 *****
He was kissed awake in the thinner darkness that preceded dawn, slowly rising
from dreamless languid warmth to become aware of Allen’s soft mouth on his. I’m
waking into the dream. The warm lips lifted away and he opened his eyes to see
Allen lying beside him, propped up on his elbow, gazing at him lovingly. There
was a curious bright energy about him, although he still had sleep in his eyes
and his hair was tousled from the pillow.
‘I’ve been watching you sleep and trying to wait very patiently for you to wake
up,’ he said softly, ‘but I just couldn’t any more. I feel like I did as a
child on Solstice mornings - you know, when you know your presents are right
there in the house, and you haven’t seen them yet and they’re all you can think
of.’
‘In my family we opened presents on Solstice Eve,’ Gaddes said, reaching out to
smooth Allen’s hair, ‘the night before.’
‘Well, that matches. Last night I had presents from you… this morning I want to
give you presents from me.’
‘Isn’t that sort of backwards?’
‘Don’t nitpick,’ said Allen, with a half-grin, putting his arms around Gaddes’
shoulders. ‘Besides, mornings are always when I feel like this… when I wake up
feeling excitable and want to play with myself… or you, now.’ A sweet off-
centre kiss. He shifted his weight on top of Gaddes, sighing contentedly as he
pressed up against him. ‘Feel that, I woke up all ready for you.’ A wicked
little wriggle of his hips; Gaddes blinked and caught his breath sharply,
thrown by such strong instant stimulation. It had been years since he had had a
wake-up call like this. He hadn’t quite dared to hope Allen would have such a
lively erotic nature.
‘I never knew,’ he said vaguely. ‘I never heard anything.’
‘Yes, well, you mostly only wake up at reveille. I’m one of nature’s early
risers. I go to sleep feeling clean and wake up feeling all dirty…’
‘I had no idea you were such a... a naughty boy.’ You think you’re beingsobad,
and it’s getting yousoexcited… how cute can one person be?
‘You misjudged my propensity for naughtiness,’ Allen purred.
‘Oh, stop it,’ said Gaddes, delighted, seizing him in a bear-hug and kissing
him deeply. Allen responded eagerly, hungrily, plunging his tongue into Gaddes’
mouth at the same time as squirming to free his arms, to reach down between
their bodies and stroke his waking hardness.
All mine, he’s all mine, my Allen… and I get to put my one hand on his peachy
little ass likeso, and wrap my other round his lovely long stiff cock likeso,
and - oh God, he doesn’t even need to beguidedto thrust into my hand. And he’s
making me feel so very, very good…
Allen’s pleasure was finding voice in breathy little grunts, escalating to soft
moans as he pumped against Gaddes’ palm. Supporting himself on one arm, he
worked his other hand rapidly up and down over the rigid column of flesh he
held, from the thick base to the blunt nuzzling tip, rewarded for his efforts
by progressively deeper sighs and groans. He was not especially skilful but
somehow the eager inexperience of his caresses doubled their power to move
Gaddes. Controlling himself under Allen’s touch was an impossibility; within
moments Allen felt him shiver convulsively, and in the next instant, a warm
spurt of moisture against his own stomach.
‘Oh God - Allen!’
‘Did I do that to you?’
‘Oh… you know you did…’ Gaddes watched as the expression of bright-eyed triumph
on Allen’s face melted into the oddly preoccupied look he had in the moments of
greatest pleasure, and held him as he shuddered and came. He lowered himself to
rest on Gaddes’ chest, breathing heavily, taking a slightly shameful enjoyment
from the feeling of the mixed fluids of their bodies sandwiched between their
skins. He felt exactly like what Gaddes had called him, a naughty boy, safe
from what it meant to be a man and to know women. A thing of beauty and a boy
forever. It feels sofree like this. I know I can’t feel like this always… I
have no right to… but he loves me, and he frees me from all the rest of it when
he holds me like this. He felt Gaddes kiss the side of his neck, just under his
ear, and lifted his head to offer his lips.
‘Thank you,’ Gaddes said. ‘I think that’s the nicest present anyone’s ever
given me.’
‘That wasn’t really it,’ said Allen. ‘I mean, you were doing just as much for
me. I wanted to do what you did last night… give you a treat… you shouldn’t
have to do anything. I - I don’t exactly know how to do those things… or how to
do anything that you haven’t shown me… but I want to try… you’ll tell me
whether I’m getting it right or not, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will. Of course. You really want to? You don’t have to pay me
back, you know.’
‘A gentleman always pays his debts,’ said Allen gravely. ‘Well, except to his
tailor. I never want to take more from you than I give back. It’s only polite
to reciprocate all your kind attentions.’ He sat up a little, easing his weight
away. ‘Do you want to rest first? Perhaps it wasn’t very considerate of me to
wake you up so early.’ He looked at Gaddes with his head tipped to one side
solicitously, then made a face and slapped his shoulder. ‘Don’t laugh at me
when I’m trying to be nice to you! I don’t know if this isn’t what lovers are
supposed to do.’
Gaddes caught his hand, trying to suppress the chuckle that was rising up. ‘I
swear I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because this is so far from
anything I’ve had before, and I just can’t get used to it. It doesn’t feel
real. Everything with you has been so beautiful. Everything aboutyou is so
beautiful. One of the stupid things that kept me with Nichol was that I didn’t
think I could do any better, and here you are proving me about as wrong as I
could be.’
‘Well, I should just think I ambetter than that - promiscuous knave,’ Allen
said, a little lamely. ‘Why don’t we have rude words like whore to apply to
men? The nearest I can think of is rake or wolf, but those still sound vaguely
virile and complimentary to the man you’re talking about. You make me think of
a wolf, a little - a gentle, young wolf, not a dangerous one. I think he must
have been more like a - a boar, a big fat - no, a hog.’
‘You’re overdoing it just a little bit,’ said Gaddes, smiling. ‘I thought he
was a fox at first.’
‘Hmph,’ said Allen, settling down by his side. ‘Vermin.’ Gaddes lifted his arm
to encircle his shoulders, letting him rest his head in the cradle of his
underarm.
‘Oh, yes,’ he agreed easily. ‘Stinking polecat.’
‘What animal am I like, then?’
‘I just don’t know. Unicorn, maybe. Something unreal and beautiful.’ He let his
fingers stray amid Allen’s hair, brushing it back from his brow. ‘I’ve wanted
to stroke your lovely hair so much. You know how you got it cut because you
thought it’d please Balgus, but he didn’t seem to notice? Don’t get it cut and
I’ll leave you in absolutely no doubt that it pleases me.’
‘Do you know one thing I love very much about you, that I think is very selfish
of me?’ Allen enquired. ‘All the inclinations that feel natural to me, and that
I always thought I’d have to fight and curb in order to be acceptable, you tell
me are all right, and pleasing to you. You’re the only person who’s wanted me
the way that I am.’
‘Oh, come on. I bet your mother thought you were great.’
‘No, I mean you’re the only person who’s understood how I really am - and
that’s the way you want me to be. Anyway, mothers are different. Whether they
want you or not, they’ve got you. You had a choice.’
‘I didn’t get to choose whether or not to love you. I used to think my life
would be a hell of a lot easier if I could choose not to, if I could just
stop.’
‘I’m so glad you didn’t.’ Allen turned his head and kissed Gaddes’ collarbone.
‘Gaddes?’
‘Hmm?’
‘You called me beautiful, and I think you should know that you’re beautiful. To
me. Your eyes and your mouth and your golden-brown skin, and - and little odd
things like the shape of your thumbs and the way your hair grows at the nape of
your neck. Very beautiful. Exactly the way a man should be. I even…’ He paused,
and passed his hand down over the top of the covers to rest between Gaddes’
legs, an oddly modest way of touching him. ‘I didn’t see it very well last
night, but I thought this was beautiful too. Is that strange?’
‘Who cares if it’s strange?’ Gaddes asked, nuzzling against Allen’s hairline.
‘If you think I’ve got a beautiful cock I’m not going to argue with you. I’ll
just accept the compliment graciously.’
‘Mine isn’t - I mean, I just want to confirm the impression I had when I
compared us. Mine isn’t funny-looking or anything like that, is it?’
‘Yours is the finest specimen I’ve ever seen.’
‘Sorry about the ginger hair,’ Allen said, rather diffidently.
‘Why are you sorry? In the first place, you didn’t make it that way, and in the
second place I think that’s beautiful too. It’s so secret and unexpected. Red
gold, with pink shading to crimson and violet - sunset colours.’
‘You’re embarrassing me,’ said Allen, reddening a little but looking delighted.
‘I didn’t ask for a poem about it, I only asked if it was funny-looking.’
‘Oh, no, I know all about funny-looking. You should’ve - or rather shouldn’t’ve
seen Nichol’s.’
‘What was wrong with it?’
‘It had a bend in it. Well, not a bend, a curve to one side. It always looked
to me like it was trying to peep round a corner.’ He held up his hand curved to
illustrate. Allen gave a little snort of laughter.
‘And he’d keep telling me this bullshit about how that shape would actually
give you more pleasure so I was really lucky I got to experience it that way -
oh, and I’d have to make out every time like it was the biggest one I’d ever
seen and ooh aah I wasn’t sure I could take it - and it had a name.’
‘A name?’ Allen had the giggles now; he was egging Gaddes on.
‘I mean, lots of guys have a nickname for their dicks, but his had to be
special, his was, hem hem, The Mighty Man-Sword. And I had to call it that,
too. I’ve got such vivid memories of biting my tongue not to laugh while saying
a line like “run me through with your mighty man-sword.” I asked him once if he
shouldn’t call it a scimitar on account of the shape and he sulked for three
days. I guess that was a bit mean of me,’ he conceded, giving way to laughter
in his turn. Apart from the fact that he felt special when he could make Allen
laugh, he had a wonderful feeling of liberation. He had never been able to tell
anyone about this before, and the two of them laughing at Nichol together
seemed to be the final dissolution of any power he might still have had over
Gaddes. Suddenly he was just a pathetic insecure man caught with his trousers
down, open to ridicule.
‘It’s not true,’ Allen said, ‘you must be making it up.’ He had laughed so hard
there were tears in his eyes.
‘I can’tmake up things like that,’ Gaddes protested. ‘Truth’s stranger than
fiction.’
‘Does yours have a name?’
‘Oh, mine wasn’t allowed a name. I think he would have been a bit threatened if
mine had had a name. It was weird, I had to go on about how huge his was but he
was always talking about my “little willy” and generally making it sound like I
was hung like a ten-year-old. Who knows, maybe he’d have liked a ten-year-old,
they’re probably easier to impress. That’s another thing he was weird about, me
growing into a man. Once I started getting peach-fuzz, I had to shave at night
as well as in the morning so my face would feel baby-smooth when we were in bed
together, and one time he asked me if I’d like to shave down there as well. I
said I’d take a razor to my privates the day he could show me a flying pig, and
not before. At least I stuck up for myself on that.’
‘What an appalling man!’
‘See why I’m amazed at how sweet you are? When that’s what I was used to?’
‘I want to make you absolutely forget about all of that,’ Allen said firmly. ‘I
want it to seem to you like something that happened to someone else, long ago.’
‘It does. I’ve had two lives, Before Allen and After Allen.’
‘And now With Allen?’
‘I want that to be a very long life indeed.’
‘I can’t have kissed you properly for at least fifteen minutes,’ Allen said,
rolling back towards him. ‘And I think we really should open another present
before the sun comes up.’
‘You won’t hear me complaining.’
‘But… I do need you to tell me what to do. I don’t feel sure I can do it right
without instructions.’
‘Step by step?’
‘Mm. I want to learn to do this properly from the very beginning. And you’re so
good at it that I definitely want to learn from you.’ He moved to kneel astride
Gaddes’ body, bending low over him, his hair hanging down to tickle his chest.
‘You are such a sweet little flatterer.’ Gaddes reached up to touch his lips,
to trace their outline. Allen kissed his fingertips, gently, methodically
working his way from thumb to little finger, looking gravely into his eyes the
whole time.
‘But I mean all of it. It’s not flattery when you mean it. It’s not as if I’m
pandering to your vanity; I don’t think you have any.’ Gaddes’ middle finger
was still grazing against his lips; pensively, he kissed it again, then drew
the tip into his mouth. Gaddes felt wetness and just a trace of suction before
his finger was released.
‘Oh no,’ he said, letting out his breath with a shudder, ‘you don’t know what
to do.’
‘Should I kiss your hands? But that’s easy…’ He pressed his lips to the centre
of Gaddes’ palm, making him feel a strange warm throb there, and in the pulse
of his wrist.
‘Come down and kiss my mouth.’
‘Yes…’ After a moment Allen pulled up. ‘You can’t give me instructions if your
mouth is busy.’
‘Keep kissing me and I bet you’ll get inspired.’
‘Don’t be so difficult. Come on, please. Just tell me what I’m meant to do.’
‘See how much you remember.’
Uncertainly, Allen bowed his head and his lips grazed the corner of Gaddes’
jaw, before working down the side of his neck, dabbing dry, ticklish little
kisses against the skin, kisses that gradually grew moist and lingering as he
grew more confident.
‘See?’ Gaddes murmured, closing his eyes for a moment. ‘You know.’ He didn’t
want to tell Allen exactly what to do, to hamper his first keen efforts with
criticism and direction and make him feel there was only one right way.
Besides, he wanted to see if the Allen Phenomenon would hold true here, too;
that whatever way he chose would be the right way, wherever he went would be
the right place, even if he sometimes went about things in a way no-one else
would have seriously considered. Feeling him shuffle back on his knees to kiss
lower on his neck, down onto his chest, feeling the silky tickle of his
trailing hair brushing softly over his skin, feeling heat rise from within to
meet his warm lips, he expected to be deliciously teased. What a beautiful lazy
morning.
‘Is it all right to lick?’ Allen asked, his voice softly muffled.
‘Lick? Hell yes. Where are you thinking of licking me?’
‘You know where.’ A deep, pleasant twinge as wet heat touched his right nipple.
Gaddes found himself biting his lip, whimpering low in his throat with delight.
He was afraid that if he let himself make any louder sound the whole fort would
hear him soon. Allen worked gently, slowly and simply, a look of delicate
concentration on his face. His soft humid breathing washed over the awakened
skin with the rhythm of a lapping tide.
‘I never knew,’ he said softly, ‘that you could go all hard and swollen here as
well. It’s like a nice little hint of what’s down below.’ He kissed the right
nipple goodbye and turned to bathe the other with his tongue.
‘Allen?’
‘Mm?’
Oh, God, yes, look up at me while you do that… I need a light, need to see
those blue eyes…
‘Try… try using the very tip of your tongue… make a point of it, and flick back
and forth. Yes… yes, that’s right.’ The tingling sensation spread lower in his
body; it was as though Allen pulled a string that ran down to some central
erotic nerve. ‘You could… you could give me a little suck. Just a little. O-oh…
oh sweet boy…’ His fingers sank into Allen’s hair. The drawing sensation turned
to a series of sharp little tugs followed by a long, concentrated pull. Wanting
to hold the feeling, he hugged Allen’s head close to his chest, bowing his own
head to breathe the scent of him, kissing the crooked parting in his tumbled
hair.
‘Let me go further down,’ Allen whispered.
‘Go on.’ Gaddes released him and let his hands fall back on the mattress. He
felt Allen nuzzle down a little way further, down over his midriff, then draw
back with a soft intake of breath.
‘You all right?’ he asked dazedly.
‘This is… this is you and me, mixed together,’ said Allen. ‘Here on your skin.
It seems like such a little compared with how it felt.’
‘Jeez, sorry. Listen, skip over it if you - I mean - sorry.’
‘Why are you sorry? It’s mine too. And… and you’ve had mine in your mouth… I
think I tasted some when you kissed me after… and if you don’t mind I don’t. I
was just… noticing.’ Allen took a sudden, quick breath, almost as if he were
diving, and lowered his head again, glancing again at Gaddes as he did so, his
eyes flashing upward as his lips parted and his tongue began to clear a path
down to his navel.
‘Oh, good God.’ To see and feel him getting nearer… and his hair brushes over
it… hold it, hold it, not time, not yet, if you can just get over this first
rush you’ll last a lot longer… I don’twantto last, I want to come right now…
I’mgoingto come right now if I’m not careful.His fingers went to the base of
his cock, applying a grip that would nudge him back from the brink a little
way. Allen lifted his head, looking surprised. The covers were humped over his
shoulders, and the movement caused them to slide down, drawing off the shadows
that had hidden his body like a dark veil.
‘Why do you do that?’ he asked, sounding interested rather than confused.
‘I don’t want this to be over too soon, I’m trying to control myself. Just give
me a second?’ He raised himself to a sitting position, taking advantage of the
opportunity to look Allen up and down. It was slightly lighter in the room now;
he felt a redoubled itch of passion gazing at that perfect form marked with
purple ghosts of kisses, pale smeared streaks of come patterning his lower
belly and mingling with the red-gold curls surrounding his upward-straining
cock. It was the kind of itch you could not leave alone; it screamed to be
relieved.
‘Gaddes, could I ask some questions?’
‘Ah, yeah, go on.’ I’ll try and answer you with the one-tenth of my brain that
still works.
‘The way I touched you when we first woke up… well, I know how to do that
because I’ve done it to myself. But I want to do something else now that I’ve
never done, and I was really too - distracted to analyse how you did it. You
know. With your mouth.’
‘When I went down on you, you mean?’
‘Is that the right way to say it?’
‘It’s one way. One of the nicer ways.’ Oh my GOD, I get a blowjob. Oh, shut up
you pervert. Still. Yay!
‘I’m having to learn new words too,’ said Allen, frowning. ‘I’ve never had
names for these things before. When I have that, um, that moment, that’s
coming, right? And now, what I want to do next is going down?’
‘Yes, ten out of ten for vocab.’
‘Kiss, please, teacher.’ Gaddes kissed him quite forcefully now, trying to
transmit his frantic arousal, hoping to bring him up to speed before he lost
control completely. He thought he was good to stand several more minutes of
what had gone before, but of course Allen had run out of chest and stomach to
kiss, and there was no knowing how he would feel when he moved to the logical
next step.
‘And now tell me what to do,’ Allen commanded him, drawing back from the kiss
with flushed lips and dark-glowing eyes.
‘Um - okay. Give me your hand… hold it in your hand… oh God, that feels good.
Yes, I know you know how to do this bit, don’t make your impatient face…’ He
took a deep breath, trying to let that out in a controlled manner, if nothing
else. ‘Okay. Okay, Allen, bend down low, you want to get close to it. I want to
feel you breathing on it. Yes. Oh God… get a good grip now… want you to hold me
tight, but not too tight… kiss me, kiss the tip.’ Involuntarily, he seized
Allen’s shoulder, trying to hold him in place.
The first kiss was a sweet, wet, hothouse rosebud of a thing, impacting softly
against the round ruddy head of his cock and making his hips tremble. He was
trying to find his voice to give the next instruction when he felt Allen begin
to improvise, covering him with such kisses, from base to tip, each one giving
him just a fraction of a second’s intense pleasure, pleasure that built higher
with each one. Only a faint quavering groan escaped from his throat. Something
shifted within him and he felt he was on a new plateau of sensation, perhaps
now able to hold on that critical bit longer, even while the bliss grew.
‘Put your mouth down on it, put your mouth down open, take it in,’ he babbled.
‘And then don’t do anything but suck, just suck as hard as - oh God!’ His hand
leapt from Allen’s shoulder to his head, half caressing, half pressing him
down. His fingers tangled in the blond hair that veiled his whole lap, hiding
what Allen was doing from his sight, while the sense of touch gave him a full
and vivid report of every detail. One long, hard, tight pull, pulsing pressure,
taut hot tongue, gulping moist throat.
Allen didn’t seem to know how to breathe with his mouth full; as he ran out of
air he pulled back with an explosive gasp, panting over the wetness he had just
created.
‘Is this right?’
‘Yes!’
‘Do you think I could get good at it?’
‘You have no ideahow good you are. Please, please, more!’
The ‘more’ almost finished him; he had to struggle to restrain himself from
thrusting. Allen came up for air once more, shaking back his hair for a moment
to look up at Gaddes, just checking on what effect he was having.
‘You look like how I felt,’ he said with a little smile, and prepared to dive
again. Gaddes’ hand on his head stopped him.
‘Is it not right after all?’
‘No, it’s so right, it’s so bloody right, please, if you go on I’m going to
come in your mouth and I don’t want to do that, not this time, please, I want
to come inside you.’
‘That is inside me,’ Allen said reasonably, straightening up.
‘You know what I mean,’ said Gaddes desperately; he kissed Allen as if his life
depended on it, locking his arms around him and falling back, pulling him down
on top of his body. One hand stayed amid his hair; he broke away from the kiss
for a brief moment to wet the fingers of the other with his tongue, and then it
moved down over Allen’s back to his rear, leaping forward gladly as he
obligingly spread his legs and lifted his hips, long middle finger slipping
eagerly in to make the way ready.
Allen could not call out with his tongue almost in Gaddes’ throat, but he made
a sound, a smothered cry, and his body shook. Gaddes slid his finger rapidly in
and out, let the forefinger join it in the hot living darkness.
‘Aah!’ Allen’s voice broke free as the kiss ended; his hands were gripping
Gaddes’ shoulders so tightly they would leave white fingermarks on the skin.
‘Good?’
‘Y-yes, but - it’s sore, it’s bruised or something. Don’t stop! I don’t want
you to stop.’
‘I won’t stop  - can’t stop - I want to make it easier if I can, at least
easier to get in… it’s years since I’ve had any kind of lotion, and God knows
you wouldn’t have anything like that.’ Stop, stop, try andthink. Hold it back.
Soap, maybe? But it might sting. Oh, God… should’ve used something in the first
place. Should’ve thought. The second I’m not on the receiving end I forget what
it’s like? As if spit’s enough.
‘All I’ve got is the lanolin cream I use to stop my lips getting chapped in
winter,’ Allen panted.
‘That would work.’
‘It would?’ He sounded rather startled.
‘Quick, where is it?’
‘Bedside table drawer - hold on, I’ll find it.’ Allen leaned precariously
sideways, scrabbling through the contents of the drawer, whimpering in his
haste. ‘Why do I keep so much rubbish? And this isn’t vanity - it isn’t,
chapped lips are painful and they can get infected.’
‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to your lips.’ His hands moved reflexively
over Allen’s hips and thighs, stroking in a holding pattern.
‘Thank goodness, here it is. What do I do with it?’
‘Give? Rub it on me and I’ll rub it into you. A splodge each. There, go.’ He
gathered him back into a one-armed embrace.
‘This is nearly all of it.’ From the heat of his mouth to the heat of his hand,
slippery bliss.
‘I’ll get you some more. Oh, God - could you squeeze a bit harder? Oh, God,
Allen…’ Kissing, stroking, tongues and fingers slipping.
‘Ready?’ Gaddes murmured.
‘I love how you look when you’re this excited, in your eyes, I don’t want to
roll over and look at a stupid pillow,’ Allen complained.
‘Then don’t,’ said Gaddes easily, rolling him onto his back.
‘But how - what are you going to do?’ With a kind of voluptuous passivity,
Allen let himself be positioned, his thighs pushed apart and up, his hips
firmly lifted so that Gaddes, on his knees, could drive himself in. He let slip
a choking cry, not just because of the invading hardness touching him so deep
inside, whose pressure in hidden places forced such strange, fierce pleasure on
him. It was being able to see Gaddes, the tense powerful lines of his body, the
transfiguration of his face in this moment of ardent union. Dawn was breaking
outside; pale thin light was leaking in through the cracks of the shutters.
This time it was a smooth rocking, an undulation, Gaddes’ hands on his hips
controlling and guiding the movement. For some reason, when wanting to see, he
hadn’t realised how he would be seen; he felt completely exposed - no,
displayed, and adored. Oh, his eyes… his eyes on me…He reached down to touch
himself and his frantically working hand was quickly joined by his lover’s,
still slick with the cream, almost shooting off the end on each tightly-
squeezing upstroke. Gaddes leaned forward, closer, rising up on his knees,
thrusting down into him, gasping, gazing down at Allen, feeling hypnotised by
his blazing blue eyes, feeling that he was falling ever forward into sky-blue
heaven.
Then the blue blinked away; Allen’s head snapped back as his back arched
sharply; he gave one last shuddering cry as he climaxed, spattering his heaving
midriff with an arc of white.
‘Gaddes!’
‘Allen!’
 
Afterwards they lay at rest, cuddled together in the middle of the bed.
‘Did you notice,’ Gaddes said, ‘I came when I was called?’
‘You’re very devoted and obedient,’ said Allen, with a faint laugh. ‘Oh… I
could go right back to sleep. That was lovely. I felt nearly scared of you, in
some way, as though I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t have borne to do it.
Does that make any sense at all?’
‘It doesn’t need to, as long as you enjoyed it.’
‘I want to stay here forever,’ said Allen, sighing happily as he nestled
against Gaddes’ shoulder. ‘Forever, here, you and me in our bed.’
Outside, the duty trumpeter blew reveille.
‘Oh, no,’ said Allen, lifting his head with a look of offended dismay. ‘They
must be joking.’
‘You were the one who instilled military discipline around here,’ Gaddes teased
him. ‘Now you’re reaping what you’ve sown.’
‘I never had a reason to want to laze about in bed all morning before,’ Allen
protested. ‘How was I supposed to see my folly?’
‘Then let’s not get up.’
‘But people will wonder why not. Bother! Come on. Out of bed. We’ll have to - I
don’t know, wash for one thing. It’s all sticky and slippery where you’ve been.
Not that I’m complaining, but I can’t put on clean underwear over that.
Underwear; have I any clean underwear? I must do, it was just laundry day.’ He
wriggled away and stood by the bed in a dither. It was so hard to know what to
do.
‘Sticky and slippery where my body met yours,’ Gaddes repeated contentedly. He
sat up lazily, easily, and put his arms around Allen’s waist, resting his cheek
against his stomach.
‘This is a funny way to hug me,’ Allen said, a little awkwardly, stroking
Gaddes’ hair.
‘Mm.’ He kissed a spot just above Allen’s navel and released him. ‘There’s no
need to hurry. I’ll bathe you, you’ll bathe me, we’ll get dressed and go down
to breakfast like nothing is unusual at all. Everything is going to be fine.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Allen said, ‘but if you bathe me I’m not going to want to get
dressed at all. It’s out of the question.’
‘All right. I’ll be good. In fact, you know what? I’ll go first, quickly, and
nip back to my room because I’m going to have to anyway for my clothes - remove
the temptation. You can hop back into bed till it’s your turn.’
‘You just want an excuse to use the nice rose soap again,’ Allen said, crawling
back onto the bed.
‘I can’t hide anything from you,’ Gaddes said, giving him a little swat across
the bottom as he got up.
‘Only all your wonderful love,’ said Allen, beaming at him over his shoulder.
‘I’m so glad that isn’t a secret any more. Or rather it’s a secret we’ll share
equally. I hope I can keep it properly, and restrain my present urge to sing
about it at the top of my voice.’
‘We’ll just have to both be very… diplomatic is how I think of it,’ said
Gaddes.
‘Discretion is my watchword,’ said Allen, nodding. ‘I’ll just whistle.’
***** Chapter 11 *****
Diplomacy and discretion were both hard work that morning. Gaddes felt fairly
but not completely sure that no-one was suspicious. Although the reason for his
posting to Castelo was generally known, that had been long enough ago that
probably no-one thought much about it, and in any case his equivocal denial of
the charge probably created enough uncertainty in people’s minds for them to
give him the benefit of the doubt. He had been regarded with deep suspicion by
many when he first arrived; sometimes men had literally moved to get their
backs against the wall when he entered a room, which he had found particularly
ridiculous when they had been bigger and older than him. Still, he knew how
serious it was.
In the early days he had felt unpleasantly sure that at some stage soon a word
out of place might get him a serious beating, whether from an offended
individual or a righteous mob; that had been an extremely bad time for him,
with a constant fearful tightness in his throat and churning in his stomach
accompanying the ache of a broken heart. That was when he had really learned
about diplomacy, over and above the discretion that had developed through his
early experiences. He made himself as non-threatening and affable as humanly
possible, in his dealings with every man in the fort; he conscientiously
pretended an interest in girls, even (he felt this was a master touch) a trace
of immature shyness about them which luckily prevented him having to too
vigorously or frequently pursue said apparent interest. On a few occasions, on
rare trips in to Lamor, he had gone so far as to make sure he was seen going
into the local house of ill repute (but very good word of mouth, which is
different), and wasted his money engaging the company of one of the girls
working there for an hour or so.
Even with them he maintained an act; he would not have been able to perform
sexually, and would have despised himself for trying under the circumstances.
He felt an odd sympathy with those girls, servicing men’s physical urges for
their security and livelihood. Sometimes they seemed so nice and understanding
that he wanted to take them into his confidence, ask them to help with his
charade, but he was too prudent to trust women whose only incentive to do
anything he wanted was the money he gave them. They might think it was
disgusting, or, possibly worse, extremely funny; either way he could get talked
about and the effort to create a certain impression would have been wasted even
more than the money. And so here, rather than playing blokey true-blue normal
Sam, he had put on the guise of a homesick boy who just wanted someone kind to
talk to, a mother-love substitute. It had worked perfectly; after all, he paid
just the same. His favourite of the women he met, Lillee, had even winked and
promised to spread it around that he was hot stuff. All he had done was lie
with his head in her lap and talk about home, a place he knew he could not
return to; the boy who had left it no longer existed.
In the end it had paid off; the ice he walked on had thickened. He came to feel
that it wasn’t so much that most of the men hated - queers fags fairies
whatever - as that they were confused and scared by them, and by the idea that
a guy like that might just lose control of himself and be all over you with no
warning. It was the idea of being unwillingly subjected to buggery that really
frightened them. Men’s fear so often translated into anger and attack that it
made little difference whether it was genuine hate or not. Still, it sometimes
made him want to laugh. Come on, guys, you’re not as cute as allthat.Ithinkwe
can hold back.
In fact, he had not felt seriously attracted to anyone between Nichol and
Allen; his resolution never to fall in love had not even been tested. If he saw
a man or a boy who looked good, that was all it amounted to; he enjoyed the
sight while it was before his eyes and thought no more about it once it was
gone. He had always felt fortunate that there was no-one at Castelo who was his
type. After several months of hard work (the only thing he did work hard at,
since standards were so lax and he was too depressed and disillusioned to give
a damn about the responsibilities of a sergeant anyway), he saw the other men
relax and accept him as normal. Clearly, they reasoned, if he were a threat he
would have shown it by now. They even started to be friendly, although he was
too much on his guard to form more than a casual friendship with anyone. It was
in his favour that everyone had some blot on their copybooks in this place; it
created a modicum of tolerance that might not have been found among men who had
never known disgrace, a willingness to believe that whatever it was They said
you’d done, you might be a decent guy on the whole after all.
Once ‘diplomacy’ had become a habit, it was not even work any more; it was just
the way he lived, and sometimes he even forgot for a short time, an hour or two
together, that he was in any way different from the men around him. He’d
started to feel happy sometimes. It helped to be cheerful by nature; he could
not maintain real misery for long before he started to see silver linings. And
it was easy when he was never tempted; it was like keeping a vow not to go
swimming when you lived in a desert.
And then love had come in like a flood, and now he and Allen were treading
water together. People should not be predisposed to suspect anything between
them, especially when Allen was so highly regarded for such obviously non-
poofterish virtues as nerves of steel, fists of iron and the afore-mentioned
brass balls. He kept telling himself that, but he still felt as though the
truth shone out of him like a radiant light. He could see it so clearly in
Allen, the glow of being in love. He was overjoyed to see it and terrified that
someone else would see.
The fact that he had been able to start living out his fantasies didn’t seem to
diminish their presence in his mind; in some ways they were more vivid because
he now knew exactly how to imagine things, right down to tastes and smells. And
it didn’t help that throughout the day Allen seemed to keep innocently using
loaded words like ‘come’ or ‘ride’ in conversation far more than he normally
would. Every time he heard those words in Allen’s voice his mind would quickly
flash up the relevant memories and his body would exclaim perkily ‘Gosh, are we
going to do that again!? I’ll get ready!’ It could get quite distracting.
To be fair to Allen, he was giving ‘acting normal’ his customary 100% effort.
After a short while, Gaddes realised with a shock that he was so convincingly
acting normal because he had always been ‘acting’ normal. Why hadn’t he thought
of it that way before? He’d always known Allen had a façade but somehow hadn’t
realised he was as much of a pretender as himself. He too had worn a disguise
for so long that it had become a second skin. There was no way to know how much
of his everyday manner was simple, uncontrived, and how much deliberately done
for the sake of appearances. The seams were invisible. It wasn’t that Allen was
insincere; to think that missed the whole point. His façade was completely
sincere; it was a portrayal of the type of young man he had long believed he
really ought to be. In some ways it was the real Allen; simply an edited,
expurgated version suitable for general exhibition. All the inclinations that
feel natural to me, and that I always thought I’d have to fight and curb in
order to be acceptable…
He seemed to be curbing them pretty well throughout the morning, which was
taken up with routine patrolling, and a meeting with a group of hunters who had
reported a problem with thefts from their camp; nothing major, but annoying
petty filchings that made them suspect children.
‘From big bad bandits to juvenile delinquents,’ Gaddes mused as the patrol made
its way back to the fort.
‘I am not chasing a bunch of kids around the swamp,’ Oruto grumbled. ‘They’re
wasting our time, those guys.’
‘But if we can get them back on the straight and narrow now it will save us
having to chase them around when they grow up,’ Allen pointed out cheerfully.
‘Jeez, you think we’ll really all still be stuck here by that time?’
‘How are you planning to get out?’ Gaddes asked, amused. ‘You want to add
desertion to your list of colourful exploits?’
‘That’s a good idea! Go on, Boss - just give me time to pack my things and I’ll
be out of your hair.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Allen said, smiling. ‘You know perfectly well we need
you. And I know perfectly well you wouldn’t let us down like that. Any of you.’
‘You sound like you think we’re knights like you.’
‘No, we’re knights, and he’s the King of the Castelo,’ Reeden put in.
‘One thing I always wondered about knights,’ Gaddes said thoughtfully, politely
ignoring the pun. ‘Why does the King tap you on the shoulders with a sword in
the ceremony? What sort of ritual’s that?’
‘It’s symbolic,’ Allen explained. ‘It’s the last time you can allow another man
to strike you with a sword without being honour bound to fight back.’
‘Oh,’ said Reeden. ‘I always thought it meant, be good or I’ll do this again a
lot harder.’
‘I couldn’t be doing with all of that,’ Oruto said. ‘All those rules about
honour and chivalry and whatnot. It’s like a game. How can you take it
seriously? Believe in it, I mean?’
Allen looked at him as if genuinely puzzled that he should even ask the
question. ‘The rules aren’t what I believe in, Oruto. The principles of honour
and chivalry are, and the rules are simply expressions of them. There are
complex, petty-minded rules about things like heraldry and order of seating at
dining tables, certainly, but what it all springs from, and what I find very
easy to take seriously, is ideas like “protect those weaker than yourself,”
“stop those who do harm,” “be honest in word and deed”…’
‘Impress girls with your uniform,’ Reeden added, grinning.
‘The first Knights of Heaven didn’t have a uniform,’ Allen said. ‘They were
distinguished only by their code of honour, and by their noble deeds. I
sometimes think that the order is beginning to lose sight of those things in
modern times; perhaps becoming too sophisticated. Knighthoods are still earned
through feats of arms and of service, but there are also some given out merely
for political reasons. I know it’s the King’s prerogative whom he chooses to
raise to this honour, but - well, I know I worked to earn my knighthood. I
continue to work to be worthy of it, because to assume that one is is proof
that one is not. I can’t help feeling it devalues the whole thing a little if I
am, in the eyes of the Crown, on the same level as the son of a man who has
built several manufactories and bought himself a coat of arms. Such a man may
be… a competent swordsman, and he may never do anything to bring his uniform
into disrepute, but how can he be a true knight?’
‘Maybe the Fanelians’ve got the right idea,’ Reeden said. ‘I heard where,
before they’ll let a prince be king, he’s got to kill a dragon. Now there’s a
test to make you earn it. Of course,’ he went on in a more subdued tone, ‘I
also heard where the last poor bugger who tried that disappeared without a
trace and then so did the Queen and now they’re waiting for the next prince to
get big enough to try it.’
‘There’s a difference between the proving of valour and a senseless risk,’
Allen said, a little crisply. ‘I don’t understand why - why the people in
charge there allow such a tradition to continue. I suppose they must believe in
it.’
‘Maybe they’re hoping this prince’ll disappear too and they can run the country
themselves,’ said Oruto, grinning.
‘Absolutely not,’ said Allen severely. ‘The prince is protected by four
generals, four knights, of the old school, one of the most ancient and
honourable orders in existence. There is no question of their actions having
any underhanded motive.’
‘This’s why I like not being a knight,’ said Oruto, ‘or a prince for that
matter. No-one’s going to ask me to kill a dragon.’ He pulled his knives from
their bandoliers and flipped them through the air before catching them behind
his back, with a smirk. ‘Not that I couldn’t.’
‘What I always wonder is how people square it with their conscience to kill
dragons when our gods are dragons,’ Gaddes said thoughtfully. ‘Our Jeture…
their Escaflower or whatever it’s called. It’s like… dragons belong in the
past… in creation times… who do you know who’s ever seen one? Except in places
like Fanelia. In the real ordinary modern world dragons are nearly myths.’
‘Much like true knights,’ said Allen, rather ruefully. ‘Perhaps that’s why I’m
thriving so near Fanelia.’ He cocked an eyebrow at Gaddes. ‘I seem to remember
you likening me to some sort of mythical beast, although not a dragon.’
The important thing is not to blush. ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t mean it like that.’
It’s no good. I’m blushing like stink. Look at the ground, look at the ground.
He looked down just in time to realise he was about to walk into a deep puddle,
but not, unfortunately, in time to stop it happening. At least being laughed at
stopped anyone following that thread of the conversation, and gave him an
excuse to be so red in the face.
Returning to the fort. Lunch. Knives and forks and food and talk, everything so
normal, the bread a bit stale. Watching Allen’s mouth. An upward glance over
the rim of his cup. Gaddes bit his lip and crossed his legs and resigned
himself to waiting until nightfall. Oh God, no, he was on for first-half night
patrol. It would be hours and hours more before he and Allen could get to bed.
What if diplomacy went so far as to include going out in different patrols?
That would be the smart thing to do, the safe thing.
Rising from the table, Allen calmly said ‘Would you come up to my room for a
moment, Gaddes? There are just a few things I think we need to go over before
tonight.’
‘Right, right.’ Following him up the staircase, a few steps behind, the hem of
Allen’s overskirt at his eye-level. Maybe it’s agoodthing I can’t watch his ass
at a time like this. He’s going to be businesslike all day, isn’t he? It’s the
right thing to do, it is.
Allen opened the door for him, closed it behind the two of them.
‘I don’t think we need worry overmuch about these petty theft reports,’ he said
lightly, walking across the room. ‘Rather, we should be vigilant against a rise
in banditry, which I am afraid may coincide with the high season for commercial
travellers over summer.’
‘I’ve been thinking we should clean up the trail from Lamor towards the
border,’ said Gaddes, following.. ‘Make it clearer and easier for strangers to
follow, maybe get a couple of signboards up and cut back some of the shrubbery
encroaching on the path.’
‘That’s a very practical idea,’ Allen said. ‘We could begin at the start of
next week, I think. By the way, I’m so desperate to kiss you that I think I
might explode.’ The next instant he had flung his arms around Gaddes’ neck and
was pressed up against him, kissing him hungrily. Gaddes was thrown off
balance, quite literally; he fell over backwards, taking Allen with him, and it
was only by good luck that they fell on the bed, Gaddes sprawling, sitting,
Allen straddling his lap..
‘I love you… I love you…’ Allen was whispering, whimpering, in between kisses.
‘And I can’t stop, can’t stop thinking about you, about us together, I can’t
stop wanting! I’m burning. I’m sorry… sorry…’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’ve got no more self-control than this… because I’m letting you
down…’
‘Do you think I don’t feel exactly like that?’ He planted his hands on Allen’s
behind, pressed up against him, letting him feel his pent-up arousal while he
kissed him, feeling the moan rise in his throat, feeling the rush of joyful
surprise disperse through his own bloodstream, giving way to a deeper, hotter
current, with a fizz of exhilaration that made him a little silly, a little
playful. ‘Can I put my hand up your skirt?’
‘I am not a girl,’ said Allen, half-laughing. ‘And you’ve gone on without
waiting for permission.’
‘I can tell you’re not. There’s something so big and hard under here… could I
see it? Could we let it out?’
‘In the middle of the day?’
‘Remember, everything’s allowed with me.’
‘All right… all right.’ Allen looked a little awed at how shameless he was
being.
Gaddes kissed him again, his hand firmly stroking over the hardening ridge in
the blue serge of Allen’s trousers. He couldn’t find anything like a fly.
‘How the hell do I get you out of this outfit?’
‘It’s fiendishly complicated. Hold on.’ Allen scrambled to his feet, undoing
his belt and the fastening at the front of his overskirt, letting them drop
unheeded on the floor.
‘Oh, I see,’ said Gaddes, ‘it’s like dungarees.’
‘Right… it’s so stupid… I have to undo my skirt and my shoulders just to get my
trousers down. Whoever designed this had obviously never thought about what it
would be like to have to go to the lavatory wearing it.’ He had popped the
buttons of the shoulder-straps and was hurriedly working his way down the
toggles of the front. Gaddes sat back, leaning on his hands, admiring him. Two
days ago I could not have - no, I couldonlyhave dreamed of sitting here,
watching him undress ready to go to bed with me. And so eagerly, too…impatient
with his clothes…
‘You could have a little buttoned trapdoor in the back,’ he suggested, ‘like in
long underwear.’
‘I’m sure that would be convenient for you,’ Allen laughed, ‘but it would only
solve half my problems.’ The last gold-braid toggle gave way and his trousers
slid to the floor, shortly followed by his underwear. He looked up and caught
Gaddes’ eye, and for the first time looked rather self-conscious, standing
there with his blushing cock jutting up from under his white shirt-tails.
‘I - I was in such a rush that I haven’t even taken off my gloves,’ he said, a
little foolishly.
‘Don’t worry about that. Get back on top of me and give us a kiss.’
Allen almost jumped to regain his position; Gaddes could feel him quivering
with pleasure, purring in his throat as his cock was stroked and kneaded. While
his right hand worked there he passed his left up under Allen’s shirt,
caressing his stomach and chest, loving the smoothness, the firmness of his
body.
‘Can I ask you for one thing, sweetheart?’
‘What? You can ask for anything if you touch me like that.’
‘Your little remark in the woods before about how I’d called you a unicorn… if
you go saying things like that when other people are there I just can’t handle
it. Please don’t tease me like that when I can’t do anything about it. Or if
you tease me I’ll have to start teasing you back, and we’ll both go blind or
walk into trees or something..’
‘All right… all right. I just… I liked what you said so much…’
‘Well, I was right to call you a unicorn… here’s your horn.’ He traced a spiral
up the shaft of Allen’s cock with his fingertips. ‘Hey, could I name it that?
Could I call it a unicorn horn? Now why does that make you laugh so much when
I’m not even tickling you?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry! Did you ever read an old bestiary? With descriptions of all the
mythical beasts and the magical parts of them? The proper name for a unicorn’s
horn is alicorn.’
‘Allycorn!’ I will always love how stupid and giggly we can get together.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to call it an allengator, just to be even worse?’
‘No, I think that’s exactlybad enough.’
‘How’s yours feeling? Would it like some attention?’
‘It can wait a little bit. Let’s get more comfortable.’ He started to edge back
on the bed.
‘Wait, wait, my legs are all… webbed up again, stupid trousers. Stupid boots I
mean. The trousers are tucked in.’ Allen rolled off him and started tugging at
the left boot.
‘Let me help you out of that.’ Gaddes knelt on the floor, taking off Allen’s
boots, dragging off his trousers. ‘Good grief, dove-grey silk shorts?’
‘Well, I like to wear nice things.’ He was only jokingly defensive, stripping
off his gloves with a rather jaunty air.
‘My underwear just goes grey with age. I never knew anyone who wore coloured
undies before. Fancy pants.’
‘Ha ha.’ Allen threw his gloves in Gaddes’ face and drew his freed legs up onto
the bed, kneeling there with parted thighs. ‘Come up here with me.’
‘But I can do something nice down here.’ He leaned forward and kissed the tip
of Allen’s  cock, and was surprised to feel a hand on his forehead pushing him
back.
‘No?’ He looked up at Allen, who was biting his lip as if unsure he had made
the right call.
‘No… come up here, let me undress you. Let me see you.’ He shuffled away
backwards, and Gaddes followed onto the bed, wrapping his arms around him as
they lay down.
‘You like me to get on top of you, don’t you?’ Allen murmured, rolling into
position as Gaddes’ embrace guided him. ‘Every time?’
‘Are you getting bored with it? I do love it, but I wouldn’t insist on it every
time.’
‘Oh, no no no… I only thought you might like a turn on top because it’s so
nice.’ A slow, lingering kiss. ‘Of course, you have your turn on top later…’
‘Again… wouldn’t insist on it every time.’
‘What do you mean?’ He rose on his arms a little, backlit by the early-
afternoon sun slanting in at the window; for a moment he seemed all shining
gold and Gaddes’ eyes were dazzled. Then Allen eclipsed the sun.
‘This is why I like you on top,’ Gaddes breathed, ‘seeing you above me, so
beautiful.’
Allen gazed at him thoughtfully, then nodded decisively. ‘Your clothes are
coming off now,’ he said, and set to work on Gaddes’ belt and tunic as he
continued to talk. ‘Is this how people feel on their honeymoon?’
‘I don’t know, I’ve never been on one. Before.’ He took Allen’s hand away from
his buttons and kissed the backs of his fingers before releasing them to finish
unfastening his shirt.
‘Now, answer my first question, what did you mean before? Are you going to
surprise me again?’ He spread the front of Gaddes’ shirt open, stroking his
palms over the newly exposed skin, gliding up from his waist to caress his
shoulders, and back down again. His admiring gaze was as warm as his hands.
What do you know, Gaddes thought, I’m actually beautiful to him. He’s getting
excited just looking at me. Hard to believe…I’ve spent so long thinking how
gorgeousheis without a hope that he’d ever feel the way I do, that I hadn’t
even considered he might love me for my looks too. Whoops. He wants an answer.
His little frown is so delicious. I want to kiss away the little wrinkle
between his brows.
‘I just mean that I don’t need to do that every time. If you want a rest from
it, if you get too sore in there… you can please me so many other ways.’
‘I know one way already - no, two ways.’ Allen shuffled back, unfastening
Gaddes’ flies, catching his breath, and catching Gaddes’ eye with a smile, as
each button popped.
‘Tease,’ Gaddes sighed, making no effort to suppress his own smile.
‘And out you come… all ready for me… Gaddes…’
‘Have these two upstanding gentlemen met?’ Gaddes sat up, pulling Allen into
his lap, rewarded by a soft little gasping laugh.
‘I think they know each other by sight. Just a nodding acquaintance, really.’
‘They should be closer… they should kiss… like us.’ He guided the tip of his
cock to gently butt against Allen’s, making him giggle softly, then moan as
Gaddes’ hand passed on down his own warm shaft. Cupping his other hand to very
carefully play with Allen’s tender balls, he worked his grip slowly up and down
as Allen leaned against him, lazy-sweet, his arms over Gaddes’ shoulders and
loosely crossed behind his head while he pressed wet kisses into his eager
mouth.
My golden lovely boy, so hard in my hand, so eager to please and so ready to be
pleased… yes, so ready… scared as you were, you were just waiting for something
like this. Just waiting to make someone so happy with this wonderful body. What
you’ll do to me… what you’ll learn to do…
‘Allen?’
‘Mm?’ Allen fell to kissing Gaddes’ throat, nuzzling along his jawline, trying
to copy faithfully, to recreate a sunset kiss.
‘Would you try something, do something, something I need?’
‘Mm.’
‘Put this inside me.’
‘Wha-at?’ Allen drew back and looked at him wide-eyed.
‘This, sweetie… your, ahem, alicorn. I can’t say it a lot plainer without
getting into words that might offend you. Or getting all… metaphorical on you.
Would you rather I did? Ask you to mount me, and ride me? I’ll say it however
you want if you’ll do it.’
‘I - I didn’t know you’d want me to…’
‘You’re blushing.’
‘I’m startled!’
‘Why, sweetie?’
‘I - I thought I was the girl. So to speak. Metaphorically!’
‘There’s no girl. We’re boys together. ‘member? This is one of the other ways
to please me.’
‘I - I might not please you. I don’t think I know how to do that very well.’
‘It’d make me so happy if you’d try to learn. And if you seriously don’t like
it - which I doubt - there’s no need to do it ever again. But won’t you give it
a chance?’
Allen put his forehead down against Gaddes’ shoulder, refusing to look him in
the eye. ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ he mumbled.
Gaddes began to stroke Allen’s hair, trying to help him to relax again. Clearly
this stop-start pattern was just a part of making love to Allen, in these early
days at least; it didn’t make him panic any more. Sooner or later he would
always co-operate; he just needed time to recover his nerve after something
unexpected shook it. The only thing Gaddes worried about was that he might make
him bolt by being too persistent. There was a rather delicate balance to strike
between asking nicely and what Allen might perceive as demanding.
‘Do I hurt you so much?’ he asked.
‘No, but you know what you’re doing.’
‘There isn’t that much to know. It’s just something you get comfortable with
with practice.’
‘I haven’t exactly had much practice.’ His head was still down, his voice
muffled.
‘Neither have I.’
‘You have, you had an affair with a man for - I don’t know exactly, for months,
wasn’t it?’
‘But not the way it’s been with you. He always said he held it was more blessed
to give than to receive - in other words, I was “the girl” all the time. The
first time with you was the first time. I was surprised how well I managed. But
I had to work so hard to control myself, and hold on long enough to really
please you… and I admit I’m lazy… I wanted to be the one who just - well, takes
it. And surrender to you.’
‘I… I didn’t know you didn’t like it that way round,’ Allen said in a very
small voice.
‘No! I did - I loved it, it was perfect. And I’ll want to do it that way again.
But - well, liking strawberries doesn’t mean you can’t also like peaches, does
it?’
He felt Allen frown. ‘Are the peaches and strawberries supposed to stand for
different things? You’ve called me a peach but I don’t know where the
strawberries fit in.’
‘No,’ said Gaddes, laughing softly. ‘We’ve got to stop using bloody metaphors.
You’ll never know what I mean and we’re getting so serious and earnest and
muddled here.’
‘You started it with the allycorn joke,’ said Allen, raising his head and
glaring at Gaddes with mock indignation. ‘If you give me the impression that
you want fruit pushed up your bottom you have only yourself to blame.’
‘Considering the size of the average peach - God, no, don’t finish that
thought.’
‘Ouch!’
‘I warned you not to!’
‘It’s your fault I did.’ The worried tension of a moment before backfired into
a silly, giggling play-fight, the tussle ending with Gaddes firmly pinned on
his back, being kissed to within an inch of his life.
‘I’ll do anything you want,’ Allen murmured, ‘anything you want.’ The initial
confusion that had made him freeze was melting away under the warmth of his
growing ardour. There was really no way he could have stopped entirely, he
thought, not when Gaddes looked up at him that way, not when he felt this heat,
this demanding deep-down pulse. Just the sight of him, golden-brown body
stripped bare, trousers shoved down from his hips… a beautiful present, I’ve
torn off the wrappings… was drawing him on irresistibly.
‘I’ve been thinking of this all day,’ he told him as he nibble-kissed his way
down over Gaddes’ chest, feeling the rise and fall of his heavy breathing.
‘Thinking of you, thinking of your body and how you touch me and kiss me and
how we move…’ He looked up, meeting Gaddes’ eyes, seeing the desire there,
encouraged and emboldened by it. ‘All I could think of was, no-one here but me
knows how gorgeous he is, how sweet he is, no-one but me has tasted his
kisses…’ His fingertips traced a meandering line down over Gaddes’ stomach,
following a curving path of dark curling hair. ‘And no-one else knows this
secret serpentine squiggle that guides me down…’
‘Down is good…’
‘No-one else knows this… so big, so lovely… all for me?’
‘Of course for you…’
‘For me to play with? For me to kiss?’
‘Mmm…’ Gaddes bit his lip, sinking his fingers in Allen’s hair as he felt
himself enveloped in sweet pulling warmth. For a moment, he tried to exercise
restraint, but it seemed pointless; his hips began to slowly rock almost
without his willing it. Now is the time to lose control, to not even think
about control. To be like him last night, our first night! He’s learned so
fast…
He propped himself up on one elbow to try and see. This time he was able to
sweep Allen’s hair over to one side, to watch as the throbbing head of his own
cock disappeared into his rosy mouth, re-emerged wet and glistening, was drawn
back in, Allen’s tongue fluttering against its acutely sensitive skin. He must
have thought about his technique, or remembered more about how Gaddes had done
it. A clumsy but enthusiastic sucking had been slightly refined, although there
was still that feeling of inexperience, of rawness that he found so enchanting.
‘You look so serious,’ he breathed.
‘I am serious,’ Allen said, releasing him for a moment, although to Gaddes’
relief he didn’t take this as a cue to start talking. Instead he changed his
approach slightly, his fingers shifting to rub the tip of his cock while he
planted a wobbling row of soft, wet smoochy kisses down along its underside. He
paused at the base, his rapid breathing gusting ticklishly over the tingling
skin.
‘Is it all right to go lower?’
‘Yes, if you’re gentle.’
‘Very gentle, promise.’ As his hand slid up and down, spreading the moisture
left by the kisses, his tongue lapped softly against Gaddes’ balls. With some
difficulty, Allen was trying to pull his partner’s pants further down with his
free hand, trying to let him spread his legs; it took Gaddes a moment to
understand that, but as he realised that it promised further pleasure he
helped, lifting his hips from the bed and pushing down at his waistband; he
felt his trousers slip down to his knees and parted his thighs a little
further, letting Allen nuzzle lower down. He was wondering if he would be
sucked there too; the thought made him a bit nervous in the midst of his bliss.
Even being gentle, Allen was a little clumsy. No; further down still, firm
tongue-tip probing the tense skin of his perineum, making him gasp sharply,
making his hips twitch forward, pushing against Allen’s exploration.
‘Allen,’ he said, his voice shaking, ‘time to choose, if you keep going like
this I’m going to come very soon. Is it okay to come while you’re down there?
Or, or do you want… oh God. Oh God. You dirty little darling.’
Just as he was on the verge of an orgasm, Allen drew back and spoke to him,
although he could not understand the words at first, for the blood pounding in
his ears, and he had to repeat himself.
‘Would it be all right to go in now? Are you all warmed up? I thought, I
wouldn’t have liked it if you’d just dived right in, so…’
‘I am very warmed up.’ Thank you for not letting me boil over yet. Yet!
‘I need the lanolin, don’t I?’ Allen was looking nervous again, but determined
to proceed.
‘Mm… where’s that?’
‘Here, it’s here… do you, or do I…?’
‘Come here… yes…can’t believe this is going inside me… you’re enormous.’
‘You don’t have to say that. Oh, be careful, I feel as if I could go at any
moment.’ Allen pulled away, trembling.
‘Enormous,’ Gaddes repeated firmly. ‘And you’re going to be fine… it’s time,
it’s time now.’ He rolled over, rising up on his knees with his head down on
his folded arms.
‘You don’t have to…’
‘This is the position I like… don’t worry, you won’t hurt me… please, please
put it inside me.’ He was hugging a pillow in readiness; Nichol had always
teased him about living the cliché and being a pillow-biter. Well, fuck off,
Nichol! Isn’t this what they call the revenge root? I feel like I’m finally
getting my own back. Don’t know howthatworks.
‘How do I… um…’ He could feel Allen’s cock hot and slippery against his inner
thigh, nudging up between his buttocks as he moved his hips uncertainly,
kneeling behind him.
‘Take it in your hand and push it in. Push it in deep and smooth and hard.
That’s how. That’s right. Oh… oh God…’ He bit down hard, feeling as if he would
smother, felt beads of sweat pop out on his face as Allen entered him. My
perfect fit. I can’t believe I can take so much. Why didn’t I realise he was
bigger? He’s my kind of size… Nichol always told me I was small… maybe having
to call it huge so many times I got to believe it? But this – this! To think I
was happy with what I got before… longer, thicker, stiff and stout and solid as
stone, as bone.
Allen was leaning against him, motionless, gasping and quivering, his arms
locked around Gaddes’ torso. It felt to him like the moment before a storm when
everything hums with a hot silent energy, when the massive purplish
thunderheads dominate the world with their fullness.
‘Move,’ Gaddes told him breathlessly, ‘move your body.’
‘If I move I’ll come.’ Please, don’t want to let you down, don’t know how to do
it right…
‘Move your body…’ he whispered again, pushing back against him then rocking
forward again.
‘Oh lord…’ Allen whimpered. ‘I can’t hold on for you, I can’t.’ He began to
thrust, sharp little jerks of his hips, rapidly deepening, driving Gaddes
closer and closer to his climax, drawing that inner cord, that Eros-nerve,
tighter and tauter.
Yes… yes… go deeper… give me everything…Before he had laboured for Allen,
before he had held back and been the proper considerate lover; now he let go
completely and let it all rush through him. Before had been a climb to a joyful
summit; this was running pell-mell downhill, completely free.
‘Allen… Allen…’
‘I… I’m here… I… aah!’ Allen’s body shuddered uncontrollably as the heavens
opened. His dismay was drowned by a deluge of hot tempestuous pleasure, a spasm
that seemed to catch every muscle of his body. He tried not to lose his stroke,
but he was trembling, faltering. After a moment Gaddes’ hand found his, guided
it to his tense erection and gave it a little nudge by way of direction. A few
firm strokes released him; Allen felt liquid heat squirt through his fingers,
heard his groaning cry.
Slowly, with shaking limbs, they sank down on the bed.
Do I pull out now? Allen wondered. I want to stay where I am forever. Oh… but I
mucked that up… He could feel Gaddes fighting for breath, could feel his own
heart kicking inside his chest. The muscles of his thighs were still giving
pleasant little twitches; warm joy flowed inside him. It took an effort to
remember that he should apologise.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said weakly. ‘I really tried but I couldn’t time it right.’
‘Stop it,’ Gaddes mumbled, muffled by the pillow. ‘Perfect. Best in my life.’
‘But we’re meant to come together. Like when you do it to me.’
‘No…’
‘No?’
‘That’s a fluke. That’s good luck. Lots of times one of us will come before the
other. Sometimes long before. Doesn’t matter. Normal.’
‘That wasn’t a disappointment for you?’
‘That was su-fucking-perb. Pardon me. But it was.’
‘And you did – well, you came properly?’
‘No half measures here.’ Although he could still not see Gaddes’ face, he could
hear the smile in his voice. ‘Stay inside me… but roll back, let me get onto my
side and breathe a bit.’
‘Yes…’
After a minute, having caught his breath, Gaddes sighed contentedly, lifting
Allen’s hand from his hip and kissing the back of it.
‘You’ve taken such good care of me. Thank you.’
‘Aren’t you just trying to make me feel better? It still seems wrong to me to
come before you do. It’s selfish.’
‘That’s because you’re such a gentleman. Selfish would be if you’d stopped as
soon as you were satisfied, and left me to finish it off by myself. And you
didn’t, did you? You wanted it to be nice for me. Don’t worry about it any
more. It’ll be easier next time.’ He smiled over his shoulder at Allen.
‘Really?’
‘Promise. Now, was that nice for you at all?’
‘You’re so silly. You know it was.’
‘You’re not quite soft yet.’ Gaddes’ fingers were gently probing between his
legs, exploring the joining of their bodies. ‘Sticky and slippery… I’m going to
feel a ghost of you inside me all day.’
‘I suppose,’ Allen said softly, ‘we’re not going to be able to lie around
together for long… we’ve been away for quite some time and we really should get
tidied up and go back downstairs.’
‘I know. I’m sorry, sweetheart, this is just how it is in a situation like
ours. We have to have our honeymoon in fits and starts.’
‘But…’ said Allen, hesitantly.
‘But?’
‘Tonight, perhaps, we’ll be patrolling together, just us two… and perhaps I’ll
remember that I think I lost a cufflink by the spring the other night… we might
go back to look for it… and if we happen to have taken a couple of towels with
us that will just be very convenient… and, I don’t know, something nice might
happen?’
‘Something very nice.’
‘We should, really, explore and map there properly. But after we’ve done some
work we could explore each other a bit more.’
***** Chapter 12 *****
Our Honeymoon In Fits And Starts; that, Gaddes thought, was how he would
remember it. Allen’s name for it was Our Exploration; and it was true that the
exploration-cum-patrolling of the swamp coincided nicely with the project, more
important now to the two of them, of spending as much time alone together as
possible.
‘The truly ingenious part,’ Allen said, ‘is that to the onlooker it probably
doesn’t appear very different from the normal pattern of our activities.
There’s really no reason why our disappearing for hours at a time should strike
anyone as curious.’
‘Except that before when we disappeared for hours at a time we were actually
getting some work done,’ Gaddes reminded him, with a crooked smile.
‘We are getting work done,’ Allen protested in an injured tone. ‘Everywhere we
go on these little rambles, I fill in on the map when we get back. And I
cunningly give them intensely dull and innocuous names. At the moment I’m
working through the King’s Privy Council. They’re all getting something named
in honour of them. Once I’ve run out of Privy Councillors, I’ll start on their
wives. It will all just look like an exercise in crawling, possibly with a view
to being invited back to civilisation.’ He smiled sunnily up at Gaddes, tipping
his head back; they were sitting nested together, Allen between Gaddes’ legs,
leaning back against his body. ‘Aren’t I subtle?’
‘But what if they do invite you back?’ Gaddes asked, winding a strand of
Allen’s hair around his fingers.
‘I’ll either say no or find a way to bring you with me, I promise. But I don’t
expect they ever will. It will look like a futile effort; better still. Why, I
couldn’t give up all this,’ and he made a sweeping gesture to take in the small
grassy clearing scattered with harebells, their picnic blanket, and a large
toad which seemed to be watching them with an expression suggestive of acute
indigestion.
‘I couldn’t give up all this,’ said Gaddes, tightening his embrace for a moment
and kissing the nape of Allen’s neck. ‘I hope you know I’m looking for
something to name after you. In code, though. It’ll be Unicorn something or
other.’
‘Oh, don’t - I’ll never be able to look at it on the map without blushing.’
‘I think you’re sweet when you blush. Do you know you always blush when I touch
you here?’
‘Are you sure you should be doing that here, in broad daylight?’
‘Very sure, rosy-cheeks. Bandits lie low in the daytime. Our guys are all in
the fort or patrolling elsewhere. And your stupid owl will be sleeping, so
who’s going to see us? Except the toad.’
‘The toad looks offended.’
‘His face is stuck like that anyway. Ignore it.’
‘Oh, all right. You talked me into it.’ Allen turned in his arms, looking
deeply into his eyes for a moment before kissing him. ‘You always do this. You
make me feel free and safe. I love you so very much for that.’
Free and safe. We really are. The knowledge made Gaddes wonderfully light-
hearted, sometimes light-headed. He tried to keep his high spirits under wraps,
but it was hard to hide being in such a good mood at all times. Being contented
and being happy were so different; it was like silver and gold, cotton and
silk, water and wine. When they woke up together, when they slipped away
together in the middle of the day, when they simply sat or lay together and
talked as they always had, but now with perfect openness, no fear or
embarrassment, nothing unknown or withheld, he felt it so strongly that it
ached, just a little. And I am making him happy too, my golden boy.
In the still of a dreaming night, he woke to find Allen quietly crying. He had
rolled away from Gaddes, hiding his face in a pillow, trying not to disturb
him.
‘Allen… love, what’s wrong?’ Gaddes spoke hesitantly; he was afraid it was
something he had done, although what it might be eluded him.
‘Nothing,’ Allen said. ‘I’m all right… you can go back to sleep…’ His voice was
unsteady, and it collapsed into a forlorn little sob.
‘You are not all right. Please tell me why you’re crying. Please. We don’t hide
anything any more, remember?’ Cautiously, he put an arm around Allen’s
trembling shoulders.
‘But you know it all already. It’s the same old things. I don’t think of them
often any more… I don’t have to try as hard… but it’s always still there.
Ghosts in my mind. I dreamed about Celena again. It was such a terrible dream…
she was lying in the snow, crying, calling out to Mother and Father and me. I
could see and hear her, but I wasn’t there - I couldn’t walk over and pick her
up and comfort her. And Father was there, not far from her, but he was walking
away. I was shouting and screaming at him to look around, to see that she
needed him, that we needed him, and still he walked away. It was horrible. I
was so helpless; I could do nothing about any of it. It’s a true dream, Gaddes;
there’s nothing I can do. I c-can’t help Celena, I can’t find Father, and - and
I’m so sorry, it’s so ungrateful to still be m-miserable when you’re so sweet
to me…’ He hid his face in his hands; Gaddes could feel his body shaking.
‘Are you really miserable?’
‘N-no, I didn’t mean… I mean it hurts when I think of them. It always has and
it always will. You’re the only person who makes me feel better, Gaddes.’ He
rolled over suddenly, throwing his arms around Gaddes, pressing his tearstained
cheek against Gaddes’ dry one. ‘All the happiness I have is in you. Please
don’t think I’m really miserable, or that you don’t help me. I just… I just
don’t ever seem to really forget it.’
‘Poor little love,’ Gaddes murmured, stroking his hair. ‘Poor little love…’ He
could feel tears stinging in his own eyes. However much I love him I’m not
going to be able to make this better. I’m as helpless as he is. It’s so unfair.
It seems as though even when Iamthe friend he needs, and the lover he wants,
there are gaps I don’t fill.
 
Over the next little while Gaddes observed an interesting change in Allen.
Setting aside his occasional but infrequent lapses into melancholy, he did seem
to be happy; being in love suited him, putting a light in his eyes and a spring
in his step that made him an even more impressive presence around the fort. One
felt he was more alive than most people, more vitally charged. He seemed to
become more confident; not that he had ever appeared insecure to anyone except
his closest confidant, but that had been a restrained self-assurance based upon
what he had done and could do. Now he seemed much more confident about who he
was, more comfortable with himself and as a result more approachable and
expansive.
Allen’s formal courtesy had always set him apart from the local people, in more
ways than one; although he only meant to be polite, he emphasised to them the
differences between their stations and backgrounds with almost everything he
said. At about this time, he began to relax a little, and in turn they relaxed
in his presence.
‘The thing about him,’ one hunter said to Gaddes, ‘is he always used to talk
like he thought you were better than he was, and a lot of people couldn’t
decide if he meant it, which sounded funny, or if he was taking the piss. But
when he talks like we’re as good as each other - well, it’s enough to make
people feel flattered, but not so much that they feel uncomfortable. And it’s
more like he’s a real person, eh?’
Gaddes always treasured up this type of comment when he heard it, partly
because it was interesting to him to get a third-party view of Allen as others
saw him (knowing himself to be hopelessly biased) and partly because they were
good ammunition for affectionate teasing. Allen was always embarrassed to hear
himself highly spoken of.
One thing that went with Allen’s increased confidence and better rapport with
the locals left Gaddes with distinctly mixed feelings at first. Previously, as
in the unfortunate Gia incident, he had bolted like a startled (or indignant)
rabbit if he realised a woman had set her cap at him.
‘I don’t want anyone else to think I have designs on their daughters,’ he had
told Gaddes once, and as a result he gave an impression of being distinctly
girl-shy. This changed now. Principally, to Gaddes’ astonishment and disquiet,
he started to flirt. It was as if he had only just realised he was handsome and
charming, and had swiftly adjusted his behaviour accordingly. Gaddes first
really noticed this on one of the informal market days, when there were a lot
of visitors to the fort. At first he did not think much of the fact that he saw
Allen talking to the girls who had come up to buy and sell; he was just being
gentlemanly as usual.
Gaddes followed his usual pattern of strolling around the main yard where
everything was set up, keeping an eye on things, breaking up and settling any
disagreements, passing the time of day with various people and generally
endeavouring to make a good impression. It was necessary to keep trying to make
this impression, because no matter how much sterling work the fort’s men did in
terms of keeping the area safe for people to live and do business in, they
still had a tendency to look and act thoroughly disreputable as soon as they
stopped concentrating, which was generally within about two seconds of
finishing the active part of any operation. A certain amount of damage control
was perpetually necessary.
‘They’re good men deep down,’ was how Allen put it; he tried not to emphasise
the ‘deep’ but anyone looking at most of the men of Castelo would find it hard
not to conclude that their goodness must be pretty deep down indeed. ‘Anyway,’
he would add in their defence, ‘they always do what I require of them and we’ve
never had a serious disciplinary problem. A little lenience over trivial
matters can’t hurt.’
Besides which, a cynic might add, even a leader as popular as Allen might
quickly alienate his troops by insisting on standards that went against the
habits of a lifetime. Gaddes did try not to be a cynic, but there again, habit
was strong.
He was just making affable conversation with a tiny old woman who was selling
bracelets that were supposed to protect you from snakebites, and trying not to
indicate that he thought she was completely mad, when a glint of gold caught
his eye and he glanced up, knowing he would see Allen, anticipating the
enjoyment of watching him from afar.
He was standing beside a collapsible stall displaying rolls of coloured calico,
and talking to a young woman of the dishwater blonde variety; there was nothing
so remarkable in that except as he spoke, she laughed, and he touched her face
with a smile. She stepped back, still laughing and shaking her head at him
reprovingly, then turned and almost skipped away. Gaddes did not hear anything
that they said; they were a few yards away, his heart was suddenly thumping
very loudly, and in any case the snakebite lady was tugging on his sleeve to
try to get him to take off his glove and let her fit him for a bracelet.
‘What? Sorry. No, look, thank you, I really don’t want one. I’ve lived here a
couple of years and nothing’s bitten me yet. Can you excuse me? I’ve just
remembered something important I’ve got to do.’
By the time he had disengaged himself sufficiently to go after Allen and ask
him what that was all about, he couldn’t see him anywhere. Five minutes later,
as he returned a lost toddler to its mother, there he was again, chatting to a
short redhead. She said something which was evidently very crushing; he put his
hand to his chest and mimed a broken heart, then bowed very formally –
exaggeratedly formally – and moved away backwards as though leaving the
presence of a queen. The toddler’s mother was rather surprised when that nice
Sergeant Gaddes turned on his heel and walked off when she was just in the
middle of thanking him. He went dodging off among the crowd as if he were
looking for something that had just gone out of sight.
After almost an hour Gaddes finally ran Allen to ground politely admiring a
farmer’s wife’s pickled vegetables.
‘Can I have a word with you, Boss?’ he asked, trying to speak lightly.
‘Of course, Gaddes.’
‘It’s about – about Scherazade,’ he improvised. ‘You need to come and have a
look at Scherazade.’
‘Why? Children haven’t gotten into the hangar again, have they? I’ve told them
she’s not to climb on. Please excuse me, Mrs Nandor, it was lovely to talk to
you.’ He strode off briskly with Gaddes pacing behind. They went into the
hangar by the small man-sized door next to the great ones which permitted
egress to the metal giants; it swung to behind them, shutting out the noise of
Castelo’s market day and sealing them in quiet shady gloom.
‘But there’s no-one here, and Scherazade looks fine,’ Allen said, sounding
surprised. He turned back to look at Gaddes, and a little smile quirked the
corner of his mouth. ‘Was this a pretext to get me alone? You know you
shouldn’t do that when we’re having a busy day. You’re terrible. But I forgive
you.’ He stepped closer, with his eyes closed and hands clasped in a gentle
parody of a romantic heroine’s gesture, and tipped up his chin, presenting his
lips for a kiss. When nothing was forthcoming, he opened one eye, and his face
fell a little.
‘You’re glaring at me,’ he said, straightening up and looking at Gaddes
properly. ‘I’ve never seen that before and it’s very disturbing. What’s the
matter?’
‘What do you think you’re doing out there?’
‘Just… just “working the crowd,” as you put it. As we always do.’
‘I wasn’t aware making nice on market day required you to chase every skirt you
saw,’ Gaddes said peevishly. ‘Hello, my dear, does your mother know you’re
out?’ he added, in a clumsy attempt to mock Allen’s smooth demeanour. ‘Oh,
giggle, gasp, you’re ever so dreamy,’ he went on in a high-pitched stupid-girl
voice. Smooth voice again – ‘Would you like to come up to my room and see my
etchings?’
‘Oh, come now,’ said Allen. ‘It wasn’t like that.’
‘All right, not exactly like that,’ Gaddes admitted ungraciously. ‘I dunno. But
you were talking to them a lot and you were flirting with them. You were.’
Allen regarded him with one eyebrow raised. ‘And did this make my sweetheart
jealous?’
‘Well – yes! How would you feel if you kept seeing me chatting up women?’
‘I don’t think I’d mind it, because I know you’re not interested in women.’
‘It’s nice that you’re so confident, but then you don’t ever have to feel like
you’re competing with a princess!’
Allen looked at him quizzically. ‘Gaddes, are you not joking about this?’
‘Of course I’m not bloody joking.’
‘Oh dear. Oh dear – Gaddes, I thought you were just teasing. Am I really
upsetting you? Do you really not know that – why, for goodness’ sake, I haven’t
the slightest interest in any of those young ladies. You don’t need to be
jealous. I love you.’
‘Well, why are you flirting with them, then?’
‘I – I wasn’t really aware that I was being friendlier than normal… I suppose…
I suppose I have been trying to let people see me talking to girls… as
camouflage, as it were… come now, Gaddes, you know what I mean, it’s like what
you were telling me about the, er, the working girls, it’s simply something you
do to keep up appearances. Perhaps I did flirt a little. I don’t know… it seems
easier, when I’m so sure I love you and you love me. It seems harmless. I know
I’ll never fall in love with a woman again. I don’t need to avoid that type of
thing so fearfully any more. I’m safe. And I’m very, very sorry that I upset
you. And you must know that the idea of you having to compete with Marlene is
simply ridiculous. And you want to smile at me, I know it – you’re just trying
to keep looking stern because you think the situation requires it.’
‘All right,’ Gaddes admitted, relenting. ‘I suppose when you put it that way it
does make sense. If you’d just told me in advance you were going to be doing
camouflage, I wouldn’t have taken it the wrong way.’
‘I’m extremely sorry,’ said Allen. ‘I humble myself at your feet. I kneel
before you.’ He dropped to his knees and looked up at Gaddes impishly.
‘You’re going to get a reputation,’ Gaddes said, shaking his finger at him
warningly. ‘People will say you’re a real ladykiller.’
‘People don’t know me,’ Allen replied. He placed a hand on Gaddes’ thigh,
gently stroking upward. ‘You know me. Ladies are absolutely safe from my
advances. I’m only interested in one gentleman.’ He rose a little higher on his
knees, and reached for Gaddes’ waistband, sliding his hand under the hem of his
tunic. ‘Perhaps I should give you a token of just how much I love you, so you
can go back with your mind at rest.’ He unfastened the top button. ‘Is the, ah,
gentleman’s gentleman at home to visitors?’
‘You are, of course, talking complete nonsense,’ Gaddes told him
affectionately. ‘And if anyone sees us, we’ll be in shit up to our necks.’ He
was offering no resistance to Allen’s gentle unbuttoning.
‘But no-one will see us, and nothing will happen – nothing we don’t like. The
gentleman is at home, but he’s been sleeping… only just waking up… I’ll need to
waken him up some more.’
‘Oh yes.’ He let his hand rest on top of Allen’s head.
Just as he felt the first touch of Allen’s lips, they both heard footsteps
outside and a voice calling ‘Boss? Sarge? Where’ve you got to?’
‘Oh, shit,’ said Gaddes, and disappeared sideways into the shadows of
Scherazade’s cloak. Allen sprang to his feet, trying to smooth his hair; it was
already a little ruffled by Gaddes stroking it. The door swung open and Baile
put his head in, peering to see in the gloom.
‘Oh, there you are Boss,’ he said. ‘There’s a chap out here looking for you, he
wants to talk about the Lamor track. And hey, have you seen the sarge? He’s
gone missing.’
‘He’s here with me,’ Allen said, hoping his voice sounded normal. At least in
this light Baile should not be able to see if he was blushing. ‘We thought some
children had come in here to play and we came to shoo them away – they could
get hurt. He’s just, just making sure none of them are hiding anywhere.’ Has he
had time to sort himself out?
‘No-one hiding under the cloak,’ reported Gaddes’ muffled voice, co-
operatively. ‘I think we had a false alarm.’
‘Well, finish checking and then come out,’ Allen told him. ‘I’ll go and see
what this gentleman wants – thank you, Baile.’ He hurried away, feeling that he
had had an extremely near escape.
As a sort of insurance, they rather avoided each other for the remainder of the
day; in the evening, Allen got ready for bed alone, feeling rather downcast.
The idea had been that they would turn in early, Gaddes would come to his room
and they would bathe each other before going to bed; he had been looking
forward to it all afternoon, anticipating the feeling of skin against soapy
skin. But there was no sign of him; probably he had decided it would be prudent
to stay apart for a little while. Perhaps he was not even coming; it might be
their first night spent separately since their union.
Since he was alone, he dutifully went through his prayers, and tried to catch
up with his diary, which he had rather neglected lately. Apart from cursory,
note-form accounts of the major events of the days, and long pages of doodled
hearts, flowers, interlocking initials and little portrait-sketches of Gaddes,
it was suffering from a lack of content, and was certainly not the journal of
self-examination and improvement that he had intended it to be when he began.
He tried to write something about the conflict he felt between passion and
duty, and how weak he had been in letting passion take priority lately (but how
happy it made him to be so weak), but ended up drawing a picture of Gaddes
wreathed around with grapevines, holding up a cup of wine. It was not a bad
drawing, he felt; perhaps if his life had taken a different course he could
have been an artist.
He had become quite absorbed in trying to refine the lines of Gaddes’ mouth to
capture exactly the way he smiled when the door abruptly opened and Gaddes
darted in, then shut the door quickly and leaned his back against it.
‘What are you…’ Allen began, but Gaddes shushed him, raising a finger to his
lips.
‘I think,’ he said in a stage whisper, ‘I may have been followed.’
‘Followed?’
‘Not a word – I have to make sure we’re safe. The enemy’s eyes are everywhere.
Pretend I’m not here.’
‘What are you carrying on about?’ Allen managed to finish his sentence, and
began to laugh at Gaddes’ exaggerated sneaking along the far side of the room,
trying to keep his back pressed to the wall.
‘Sshh! Discovery would mean disaster!’
‘You’re getting these lines from a yellow-backed novel, aren’t you?’ Allen
asked. ‘Some melodramatic tale of suspense and foul play.’
Gaddes had reached the window; although the outer shutters were closed, the
glass panes stood open to let air into the room. He dropped to the floor to
crawl under it.
‘Thisis so They won’t see my shadow crossing the window,’ he explained.
‘Oh, no, you wouldn’t want Them to see a thing like that,’ Allen agreed,
giggling. ‘Stop being ridiculous and come to bed, sweetheart.’
‘Bed? Ha, yes, you’d think we’d be safe in bed, but who knows what terrors may
lurk beneath. An assassin with a stiletto – a venomous adder – a bogeyman that
will grab your ankles when you get up to go to the loo! Fear not – I’ll flush
them out.’ He rolled under the bed and began making dramatic sounds of a
struggle, bumping the underside of the bedstead.
‘Stop it!’ Allen exclaimed, almost crying with laughter and trying to save the
inkwell he had balanced on his knee.
‘Right! Threat vanquished, spies thwarted, fun begins now!’ Gaddes popped out
from underneath and leapt onto the bed, causing a minor ink disaster in Allen’s
hands.
‘You’re terrible,’ he protested, trying to hold his blackened hands clear while
Gaddes kissed him. ‘I’m going to get this all over the sheets.’
‘We get stuff all over the sheets anyway,’ Gaddes said. ‘A bit of ink will look
normal by comparison.’ He gave him a long, deep, argument-ending kiss,
revelling in the eager response he felt.
‘No, but, you must let me wash my hands or I’ll put black handprints all over
you – your clothes too – it will look so suspicious in the laundry.’
‘Yikes,’ said Gaddes, ‘and after all my care to avoid detection. Go then – wash
up – leave me alone. I’ll cope. I’ll read your diary and see if you say
anything about me.’ He shooed him out of bed and settled himself with the
little book. ‘Ah, you don’t say anything about me, but you draw naughty
pictures of me.’
‘Well, a diary is a place to inscribe your thoughts,’ Allen said, smiling as he
scrubbed the ink from his fingers.
‘I see you still have grapes on the brain, and elsewhere. I’ve got something
for you, incidentally.’
‘Oh? What?’ Allen asked eagerly.
‘But first… I think we should talk about that narrow squeak today.’
‘Yes, that,’ said Allen with a little grimace, drying his hands. ‘I should have
thought… I got carried away.’
‘I think we need a new rule, that’s all,’ said Gaddes, holding up the side of
the covers to let him back into bed. He had taken off his own boots and pants
and settled down quite comfortably in his shirt and underwear. Letting Allen
finish undressing him had become a bit of a ritual.
‘More diplomacy.’
‘Yep. I think we should say that – well, our guys here are pretty predictable.
We know their routines and they know ours, so on an ordinary day it’s not too
likely that they’d interrupt us. They never come up here or onto the roof
unless they’re told to, so we’ve got those places private. It’s visitors who
change all the patterns. I think for safety’s sake, we should just have the
rule that as long as visitors are inside the fort walls, wherever they are, we
act like Just Good Friends. No sneaking off together or anything. Instead of
trying to hide stuff, it’s easier just not to do anything we’d need to hide.’
‘That’s going to be horribly hard work,’ Allen complained, nestling up against
him.
‘Yeah, but we won’t have to do it too often, or for too long at a time. Who
ever comes here?’
‘That’s true, I suppose. All right, I’ll try. It’s about time I started using
some self-discipline again.’
‘But for the love of God don’t start trying tonight.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t – I couldn’t!’ A long embrace and soft, wet kisses. ‘Let’s play
schoolboys again,’ said Allen, a little breathlessly. ‘Do you know I take art
lessons too? I have to draw a nude. I want you to be my model.’
‘That reminds me of what I’ve got for you,’ said Gaddes. He leaned over to
reach his trousers, dropped over the end of the bed, and took something from
the pocket, a folded sheet of paper.
‘Is it another love-letter?’
‘No, it’s something I found in the market today. There was a guy selling
second-hand books and magazines – and no, I didn’t buy a yellow-backed novel –
he had a pile of old back numbers of the Illustrated Pallas News, and I was
having a look seeing if there were pictures of any of the things you’ve talked
about. And they had a special number about the National Gallery, and the most
famous pieces there, and prints of some of them, and look who I found.’ He
unfolded the paper. ‘I bought the whole magazine, but I just wanted this one
page. It’s got his name underneath it, too – he’s someone called Ganymede.’
‘It’s my grapes-boy,’ said Allen, taking the page and looking at it with a
slightly nervous pleasure. ‘Oh, he definitely is a boy, isn’t he? This isn’t a
very good reproduction, but even so I was a very stupid child not to see it.’
‘Well, if you ever want to look at him now, you can,’ said Gaddes, kissing him
on the cheek.
‘This is very, very sweet of you, but why would I want to look at a pretend
paper boy when I can see you? Really, you’ve spoiled me for poor old Ganymede,
whoever he may have been. I’ll draw your portrait and call it the New Ganymede
– a more grown-up Ganymede who can’t possibly be mistaken for a girl. I don’t
want you to be as posey as he is – just to lie here on the bed, and I’ll draw
you just as you really are.’ He began to unbutton Gaddes’ shirt.
‘But I don’t have any grapes,’ Gaddes protested, smiling.
‘That makes it better.’
‘I don’t think you’ll be able to hang me in a gallery.’
‘Why not? They’re full of pictures and statues of naked men. I’m a bit
suspicious of artists these days.’
‘Yes, but not of naked men who are in quite the same mood as I am. You don’t
see, f’rexample, “Arcadian Shepherd Getting a Gigantic Erection Because He
Fancies the Artist So Much”. Give me your hand, sweetie… see what I’m talking
about?’
‘Mm… all right. This portrait will be for a private collection.’
 
A few weeks went by, unremarkable except for their happiness. It became real
summer; the nights were haunted by mosquitoes, but also by fireflies, and the
days were golden-brown and done to a turn. Trade through the area was good that
summer, and they even saw some large merchant airships, although they seldom
stopped at so insignificant an outpost as Castelo Fort.
It was cause for remark, therefore, when an approaching airship was sighted,
and it gave every sign of making for the fort – although its progress was
somewhat erratic.
‘It doesn’t look big enough for a merchantman,’ Gaddes remarked, squinting at
it from the battlements. ‘And it’s got all fancy flags.’
‘The royal standard,’ said Allen, holding a spyglass to his eye. ‘What in the
world is a royal yacht doing out here? And who could possibly be on board? We
would have had some notice of a royal visit.’
‘I definitely think they’re in trouble,’ Gaddes said. ‘They keep losing height
in jerks. And they’re rolling all over the place.’
‘I hope they can land safely,’ said Allen, lowering the spyglass with a frown
of consternation. ‘We must be ready to offer all possible assistance.’
No assistance was needed for the small airship to put down in the cleared area
before the fort – although the last bit of the descent was rather precipitate,
as if its lift had given out a couple of feet above the ground and it had
fallen the rest of the way with a bump. The men of the fort approached
cautiously; no-one was quite sure what to make of this. Only Allen, leading the
way, looked as if he knew how to behave, which was reassuringly typical.
After a pause which suggested that people on board had been in rather a flurry
of sorting themselves out, a door opened in the side of the ship and a small
staircase was lowered. A herald emerged and blew a small trumpet fanfare.
‘Presenting,’ he said, in a nasal voice, ‘Her Royal Highness Millerna Sara
Aston, Princess of Asturia.’ Mouths dropped open; even Allen looked a little
startled.
‘Out of my way, please,’ said a high, clear voice behind the herald. ‘I can’t
bear to be in there a moment longer – do you want me to be sick?’ He was not
quite quick enough in moving aside to satisfy the owner of the voice, who
elbowed him aside as she hurried out and down the stairway. At the sight of
her, Allen dropped on one knee and bowed his head low; Gaddes was still
catching up with events and stood staring at her. This princess was about
eleven years old, short and skinny, with wide blue eyes and thick, wavy blonde
hair tied back with a ribbon. She was wearing more frills in one outfit than
Gaddes had seen in his life. She was probably going to grow up very pretty –
she would be rather cute right now if she weren’t faintly green in the face.
‘Gaddes!’ Allen hissed at him. ‘Bow! And signal the men to do so!’
‘Whoops.’
After some initial confusion, the Castelo garrison bowed to royalty. Royalty
more or less ignored them, as it had sat down on the ground, put its head
between its knees (carefully holding its skirt so as not to show its legs) and
was breathing slowly and deeply.
After a moment the little girl raised her head and shook back her bangs.
‘Phew,’ she said. ‘I think I’m all right. That was ghastly.’ At this point she
appeared to take in the fact that several dozen men were trying to stare at her
curiously while attempting to keep their heads respectfully bowed. (Several
dozen more were making no such attempt, and just gawking.) Her cheeks, which
had just regained a fairly natural colour, blushed deep pink and she scrambled
to her feet, trying to brush the dust off her dress and look composed.
‘I – ah – who is in command?’
Allen rose to his feet with a liquid grace, and bowed again from the waist.
‘Allen Schezar of the Knights of Heaven, at your service, Princess Millerna,’
he said.
‘Thank you,’ she replied gravely. ‘I apologise for arriving in such disarray,
but this is an unscheduled stop. Something’s gone wrong with the ship and it
was tossing about horribly and I said they had to land at the first civilised
place we saw,’ she continued, abandoning the effort to sound grown-up. ‘I was
extremely airsick.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that, Princess. If Castelo Fort can afford you any
practical assistance in the repair of your vessel we will be only too pleased
to help. We are only a small outpost, but a loyal one.’
‘Not ‘arf,’ muttered someone behind Gaddes. He made an angry gesture at them
behind his back. He was in a state approaching a tizzy, on all levels – as an
officer, wondering how the hell he could get the men to behave themselves well
enough to be seen by a princess for however long she was going to be here, as
an Asturian subject, who quite liked the idea of the monarchy as long as he
personally didn’t have to entertain it, and as Allen’s friend – he could not
imagine how he must feel, speaking to the sister of his lost first love.
‘May I ask, Millerna-hime… your journey?’
‘We are on our way to Fanelia for a state visit,’ she replied, resuming her
official tone. ‘We shall require a place to stay for tonight.’
‘That may not be necessary, Millerna-hime,’ said a square-built man in the
uniform of the royal guardsmen, who had just disembarked from the ship; he
seemed to have some authority. ‘We’ll do everything we can to ensure that you
don’t have to stop here overnight.’
Princess Millerna turned and looked at him rather scornfully. ‘Thank you,
Captain,’ she said, ‘but I have had quite enough of being bumped about for one
day, and I wish to rest. I’m sure Sir Allen’s men will be able to help you fix
whatever it is that’s gone wrong. It’s a very hot day and I should like to go
somewhere indoors and shady.’ She looked up at Allen – not hopefully, Gaddes
thought, not demandingly – it was just that she was sure he would do exactly
what she wanted. It was a certainty for her.
Of course, as far as obliging young ladies of noble birth went, it was a
certainty for Allen too. He offered her his arm, to the obvious irritation of
the captain, who was trying to order out an honour guard from the ship. A
number of the men coming out looked as if they had suffered from motion
sickness too – or, in the case of some with visible bruises, the bump of the
landing. At a motion from Gaddes, the men of the fort, who were looking
inclined to snigger, fell back and awaited orders.
The princess gracefully placed her hand in the crook of Allen’s elbow and
allowed herself to be escorted towards the path up to the fort. At the foot of
the slope she stopped and looked up at it uncertainly.
‘My shoes aren’t really suitable for climbing,’ she said.
They must be bloody useless shoes, thought Gaddes.
‘I do apologise, Millerna-hime,’ said Allen, as if it were his silly mistake to
have a fort at the top of a tall stockade. ‘Sergeant, help me make a chair for
Her Highness.’
‘What? Oh, right. Sir!’ They made a seat of their crossed and linked hands
which the princess sat down on, steadying herself with a hand on each man’s
shoulders, and allowed herself to be lifted and carried up the path.
I have my hands under a princess’ bottom, Gaddes thought with some perplexity.
It would be something to tell the grandkids, if I was going to have any. It was
rather hot work carrying her uphill in the sun; Allen, of course, looked as
cool as peppermint.
He looked back over his shoulder; all the others were staring up at them.
‘Don’t just look at us, you wallies,’ he called back, ‘help the visitors. Do I
have to tell you everything?’ He turned back to find the princess looking at
him with her eyebrows raised.
‘Is that how you always speak to your men, Sergeant?’ she asked.
‘It beats hitting them with a stick,’ he said. ‘Princess.’ I havenoidea how to
talk to her. If I say the wrong thing am I going to get beheaded or something?
And I’m embarrassing Allen. This is awful.
To his surprise and relief, she giggled, but then turned away as if she were
shutting him off and proceeded to talk entirely to Allen, who had to try to
stop looking mortified in a hurry. Gaddes felt rather horrible about letting
him down this way, and resolved to keep his mouth shut as much as possible. He
tried looking at the princess’ shoes, which were small and dainty and made of
pale-pink satin. No wonder she didn’t want to tramp about in them.
‘I’ve just placed you, Allen,’ said Millerna. ‘You were at court last year,
weren’t you? I remember everyone talking about your prowess at fencing. What a
shame you couldn’t stay.’
‘I was very sorry to leave, Millerna-hime,’ Allen said, ‘but my duty called me
here.’
‘What a bore,’ she said sympathetically. She then proceeded to chatter away
about everything he was missing; it took them right up the hill and into the
yard, where, after some hasty consultation, they decided to take her to the
verandah off the gallery above the great hall. Once they were indoors they let
her down from her perch to walk under her own steam; Gaddes shook his hands out
and Allen frowned at him, although surely his own wrists were tired.
‘What an impressive hall,’ the princess said politely, looking up at the faded
hangings.
‘We hardly use it,’ Gaddes said, forgetting himself. ‘Millerna-hime,’ he added
quickly, trying to copy Allen’s term for her. ‘Uh – the stairs are this way,’
he said, going to show the way, but Allen blocked him with an arm.
‘You walk up stairs behind a lady,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘Behind her
up stairs, before her down stairs. Please, Gaddes.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Gaddes hissed back, ‘but I never needed to learn these rules
before!’
Allen shot him a look; I know you’re trying, it said, but this is a desperate
situation!
Keeping a respectful distance behind the princess, they saw her up to the
verandah, where she stood with her hands on the railing and stared out at the
swampland, baking under the afternoon sun.
‘I hope your stay with us will be pleasant, Millerna-hime,’ Allen said
uncertainly.
‘Please – I’m so tired, and my head aches terribly,’ she said, and to their
shared shock and embarrassment, began to cry.
Gaddes quickly dragged a chair over; Allen, with a thankful glance, guided the
princess to sit down.
‘I’m so sorry, Millerna-hime – please, don’t cry – do you have a handkerchief?
Take mine…’
‘I’ll go and see about some willow tea for her head,’ said Gaddes, hastening to
the door.
‘It’s been a beastly day,’ Millerna moaned, and blew her nose quite loudly into
Allen’s clean white handkerchief.
As he ran down the stairs Gaddes almost collided with the captain of the guard.
‘Where is Her Highness?’ the man demanded sharply.
‘She’s upstairs, and she’s not feeling well, so leave her alone,’ he snapped
back. ‘Nice job looking after her, by the way.’ It was a bit mean to take out
his own feeling of incompetence on someone else, but it was certainly a relief.
‘What have you done to her?’ the captain barked.
‘Done to her? We haven’t had time to do anything to her. She’s overtired. Don’t
you know anything about kids? Give her a rest.’
‘I shall speak to your commander about your insubordinate attitude, Sergeant.’
‘Go ahead. See if he gives a hoot.’ Gaddes side-stepped around the man and went
off on his mission.
When he got back with the cup of tea, the princess had composed herself and
dried her eyes; although she was still a bit pale she looked much more
cheerful. She and Allen were having a quite animated conversation about horses;
Gaddes paused in the doorway for a moment just to enjoy how Allen looked,
leaning forward in his chair, eyes bright with interest. He knew how flattering
it was to be the focus of that interest; it made him feel a little envious of
the princess, but really, there was no need; he could have the same any time,
and since he was feeling a bit sorry for her too he could be charitable and
share Allen.
He wasn’t sure what would be the polite way to draw attention to his presence;
after a moment he tried coughing quietly and that seemed to do the trick.
‘Oh good,’ Allen said. ‘Thank you, Gaddes.’
‘It’s quite hot,’ Gaddes said as he gave the cup to Millerna, ‘so sip
carefully, eh?’ No, no, idiot, you don’t say ‘eh’ to princesses. Princess!
‘Millerna-hime,’ he added quickly. What am I going to do next, start dropping
my aitches?
‘Thank you, Gaddes,’ she said, and gave him quite a nice smile. She tried the
tea and evidently decided to let it cool a bit before having any more. ‘Allen
was just telling me about the horses you have here at the fortress.’
‘Yes, well, we don’t use them much except right around the fort - they’re not
good in the swamp, so we mostly use boats or walk out there.’ He sneaked a
quick glance at Allen to see if he was doing all right; Allen gave him a nod of
cautious approval. ‘Do you like horses, Millerna-hime?’
‘Oh, yes! I was so sorry to come on this trip because my pony, Clover, is just
getting over a very nasty colic and I wanted to stay and look after him. But
noblesse oblige.’ She noticed his politely blank expression. ‘That is, royalty
has certain obligations.’
You’re a funny little muddle, aren’t you - trying to sound grown-up and proper
a lot of the time, and slipping whenever you get started on something you’re
really keen on. He found himself liking the slipped Millerna rather a lot,
although he suspected that the proper Millerna was taking a patronising view of
him, his accent and his clothes, and thinking he was an impudent fellow to
smile at her. Not that it worried him. His main concern was whether Allen
seemed to need moral support, but he looked all right - even quite cheerful.
‘If there’s nothing else you want me to do, Boss, I’ll go down and see what’s
the story with the yacht,’ he suggested.
‘I don’t care what’s wrong with it or how quickly it can be fixed, I’m not
stirring until I’ve had a proper night’s sleep on a bed that doesn’t move
about,’ said Millerna stubbornly. ‘And if Captain Savoy tries to chivvy you,
Gaddes, you may tell him I said so.’
‘But Gaddes… we’ve just heard from Captain Savoy about you a few minutes ago… I
would ask you to be diplomatic,’ Allen added.
‘Diplomacy is ever my watchword, you know that, Boss,’ said Gaddes, with a
smile and a small wink over his shoulder as he left. He felt rather like
sighing instead; the implications were obvious. The only way Millerna could
sleep in a proper bed in the fort, in anything like the conditions suitable for
a princess, was if Allen gave up his room to her; so he, presumably, would
migrate down to his bunk on the Crusade, and the rules of ‘diplomacy’ would
require Gaddes to stick to his own room. Unless, he thought, brightening up a
bit, Millerna had a lady’s maid or something who would want to use his room. If
you could ask a lady’s maid to sleep in a hammock. Maybe not. No getting round
it, probably; he would just have to be patient. It was only for tonight.
Unfortunately, as he discovered when he talked to the fort’s engineer and the
one belonging to the royal yacht, it was going to take at least a couple of
days to effect the necessary repairs. He didn’t have the technical knowledge to
understand exactly what had gone wrong, but it seemed that the altitude control
system, which worked by heating the floating stones to make the ship descend,
and cooling them to make it rise, had gone haywire and heated one stone to the
point where it cracked and became wildly unreliable. The stone could be quite
easily replaced, but a large quantity of delicate machinery would have to be
taken apart and carefully examined  and tested to determine what had made the
malfunction happen in the first place, parts might have to be sent for if what
they had at the fort for Crusade was inadequate, and all in all it looked like
being a bit of a project. The engineers looked rather keen at the prospect,
although the royal one kept explaining in an embarrassed tone that he had only
just been assigned to the yacht for this voyage and whatever had gone wrong
must have done so under his predecessor. He was probably rather conscious of
the dirty looks he was receiving from Captain Savoy, who obviously was not
happy about remaining in the swamp for any extended period.
‘Well, okay,’ Gaddes said, resignedly. ‘Just do whatever you need to, guys, and
let me know how it goes.’ They bustled off together with a contented babble of
jargon.
‘This situation is extremely unsatisfactory,’ Captain Savoy said, bristling. He
had the sort of clipped moustache that Gaddes generally took a dislike to,
prickly and rather savage-looking; he imagined that if there was a Mrs Savoy
she must breathe a sigh of relief every time her husband went away on a mission
and she didn’t have to be kissed by him for a while. Nor will I be kissed as
long as he’s here, so I’m sorry, Mrs Savoy, I’ll try to get him back to you as
soon as possible.
‘I’m not exactly thrilled about it either,’ Gaddes replied. ‘Look, I’m sorry
you’re being delayed, but there’s nothing I can do about it personally. Our
guys will help your guys get things fixed up, and you can go as soon as it’s
done. It won’t hurt your schedule that much. I don’t think Fanelia’s the kind
of place that gets in a snit with you if you’re a few days late for an
appointment. You’re doing them a favour going at all.’
‘It’s not the loss of time that concerns me, it’s the fact that this is an
entirely unsuitable environment for the princess.’ He looked around with
visible distaste. It didn’t help that as his gaze swept the barracks yard it
took in one man eating a sandwich, four more putting bets on a game of Two-Up,
and another fellow meditatively picking his nose. Next to the neatly uniformed
guards from Pallas, the men of the fort hardly looked like soldiers; until you
saw what the proper army was supposed to look like you didn’t always realise
how close they were in many ways to the bandits they apprehended.
‘All right, we’re a bit relaxed,’ Gaddes admitted. ‘But it’s not like she’s
going to be exposed to bad influences. She’s up there with the Boss right now.’
‘Are you being facetious, Sergeant? That’s precisely what concerns me.’
It took Gaddes a moment to work out what he was getting at. My, my. So Allen’s
got quite a reputation already - it was just waiting to catch up with him out
here in the sticks. He gave the captain a cheerful grin. ‘Listen, mate, you’ve
got nothing to worry about. I know him very well and I can tell you the
princess is as safe with him as if she were his own little sister.’
‘That’s as may be,’ Savoy said coldly, ‘and I will thank you to refrain from
calling me “mate.” Relaxed is not the word for this place. Shambolic might come
closer.’ He turned on his heel and stalked off to find someone to growl at.
Gaddes shrugged. He supposed the next thing in order was to see that Allen’s
bed had clean sheets and a freshly-turned mattress.
***** Chapter 13 *****
That night he lay in his hammock feeling thoroughly out of sorts. Now that he
was used to sharing a bed it felt both uncomfortable and lonely. Bits of him
kept querulously demanding to know why they weren’t being enjoyably manhandled
by this time of night, and he couldn’t touch himself knowing that there were
strangers in the next room (the princess and two maids) who, given the thinness
of the wall, probably would hear if he made any unusual noises. There hadn’t
even been a sunset talk this evening, because Allen had been busy showing the
fort to Millerna, who had expressed a strong interest in the fortifications
once her headache was gone. Allen’s façade was so smooth and assured that there
was no way to tell if he felt as frustrated and dismayed by the separation as
Gaddes did; he just had to assume and hope.
He kept contemplating sneaking down to Crusade, but he knew perfectly well that
wasn’t an option. The engineers were borrowing bits of its engine (to be
replaced later) in order to repair the yacht, and would be in and out of the
cave all night, judging by their enthusiasm. There was no privacy to be had
there. Even in his own room he was forced to make concessions to the royal
presence in the next room; at Allen’s suggestion in the only hurried private
conversation they’d had that evening, he was wearing a borrowed nightrobe in
case for any reason he should be seen by one of the visiting ladies.
He lay in the dark for a long time without feeling remotely sleepy. The fort
grew quiet; it would be a while before the night patrols returned for handover.
He could hear Natal’s hunting cry outside; the owl had been exhibited to the
princess, who had seemed delighted with him. You’d be pleased to see me stuck
like this tonight, you malevolent featherduster.
He heard a quiet squeak of door-hinges and a light footstep in the corridor,
too light to be an adult’s. A moment later there was a tap on his door, soft
and hesitant. That certainly wasn’t Allen; he couldn’t think who else it might
be. Rolling out of his hammock, he padded over to open the door.
Princess Millerna was standing there in a white ribbon-trimmed nightgown,
looking ill at ease. Gaddes blinked at her, bewildered.
‘Um - what’s the matter, Millerna-hime?’
‘I - I didn’t want to wake my maids, because they were airsick even worse than
I was and I thought they should be allowed to sleep.’
‘That was nice of you,’ he said, still in the dark figuratively and literally.
‘And… and I have a small problem.’
‘Can I help?’
‘There’s - there’s a chamber pot in the bedroom, but I don’t feel comfortable
using one. Is there no lavatory in the fort?’ She looked furiously embarrassed
at having to admit that she needed such a convenience, particularly to a man,
but obviously she had been driven to it. She was shifting her weight from one
foot to the other in a way that bespoke a very urgent call of nature.
‘There’s a long-drop downstairs, but that’s the best we’ve got. Will that be
all right for you?’
‘I - I suppose so. Please, can you show me the way?’
‘Of course I can. Hold on a moment and I’ll get us a light.’ He went back into
his room to light a candle, and returned with it to guide her down the
corridor.
‘I’m sorry to wake you, Gaddes,’ she said, twisting her hands together
uncomfortably.
‘I hadn’t gone to sleep yet. It’s no trouble. If there’s anything I can do
while you’re here, to make things a bit more comfortable, just give me a yell,
okay? Me or the Boss. Allen, I mean.’ They came to the staircase; trying to
remember Allen’s rules, he started down ahead of her, holding the candle up to
light her way.
‘You two are friends, aren’t you?’ she asked, creeping along behind him. Both
of them were talking in whispers.
‘Um - yes.’ Is it all right to say that? It should be.
‘I thought you were,’ she said, sounding rather pleased. ‘He thinks highly of
you. I’m glad he has a friend; it’s rather sad for him to have to live so far
away from any kind of society.’
‘Well, I try to keep him company. We go left at the bottom here - there’s a
step up just ahead, watch your feet. The floor’s not all one level.’
‘What do you think of him?’
‘I - well, I think he’s great. He’s a good commander. A good man. Good friend,
too.’ God, that was lukewarm. But I can’t exactly say I think he’s the most
wonderful, beautiful, delectable boy in existence.
‘You see, I’ve heard people say things about him that weren’t particularly
nice.’
Gaddes looked back at her, over his shoulder. Her candlelit face looked very
trusting.
‘He isn’t perfect, so he makes mistakes like everyone else,’ he said. ‘But I
can definitely tell you that he’s a kind, honourable person. He’s the best man
I know, and I’d trust him with my life. You can trust him too.’
‘I knew it was just unkind gossip,’ she said with a sigh of relief. ‘People can
be so spiteful and envious. If he were really a rake I’m sure my sister
wouldn’t have liked him so much.’
Gaddes was startled. ‘Marlene?’
‘No, my other sister, Eries. Marlene’s older than Allen, silly. And she has a
husband!’
‘Of course. Sorry, I got the two of them mixed up for a moment. Big sister,
middle sister, you know.’
‘If more nice people like Allen were still at court, perhaps it wouldn’t be so
dull now Marlene’s gone,’ Millerna said wistfully. ‘Eries is no fun. All she
does is mope about and read. And no-one takes me seriously because I’m only a
little girl. The nicest thing that happens is when I get to go riding, or get a
letter from Marlene. And I get pushed about all the time, and have to do the
jobs Eries doesn’t want to do. That’s why I’m going to boring old Fanelia. It
won’t be any fun there either. It was quite nice the last time I went, when
Mother was still alive, but that was when… well, before all those sad things
happened to their royal family. The older prince, Folken, was so friendly and
gentle - he talked to me when Van, who’s my age, just blew a raspberry at me
and ran off to play with his cat. All the nice people seem to disappear or go
away.’
‘Um - the loo’s just through this door,’ Gaddes said. He felt out of his depth.
What is it that makes people tell me their problems? Do I just look
trustworthy, or something? And who’d believe the upper crust were such
miserable beggars, by the sound of it? Well, they say money doesn’t buy
happiness. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, and all that.
‘Oh, thank heaven,’ said Millerna, darting in. After a moment she put her head
out again. ‘You’ll wait for me to come out, won’t you? I’m not sure I could
find the way back in the dark.’
‘Of course I’ll wait.’
She wrinkled her nose a little. ‘It smells in here.’
‘Sorry about that.’ He positioned himself in front of the door, as if standing
guard, and hummed a tune, tactfully drowning the sound of a little girl going
to the toilet. After a minute, she emerged, looking much more comfortable.
‘All set?’
‘Yes, thank you. This has certainly been an experience. I never had to sit on a
board with a hole cut in it before.’
‘I hope you didn’t get splinters.’
‘I hovered. I wasn’t sure it was very clean.’
‘That’s probably very sensible.’ He paused, replaying the conversation in his
head. ‘Um… I think I’ve really been too familiar in how I’ve been speaking to
you. I’m sorry.’
‘Oh, I don’t mind. Under the circumstances it would just be silly to try to be
formal. You’ve been perfectly polite and helpful.’
‘I’m not used to special manners, you see, and I keep forgetting when I’m
talking.’
‘I know… I do that too. I’m trying to train myself to speak like a lady. One
day I’ll speak beautifully, just like Mother.’
‘I wish I could speak as well as the Boss does. His manners are always
perfect.’
‘I do hope he doesn’t think I’m babyish, or silly.’
‘Why would he? Don’t worry about it. I think your mother’d be proud of how you
speak.’ He stood aside to let her go up the stairs ahead of him; at least he
was getting that much right.
‘Thank you,’ she said, and lapsed into a thoughtful silence. When they reached
the door of Allen’s room, she said ‘Gaddes, you do understand, don’t you, that
this conversation is - is confidential. You wouldn’t repeat anything I’ve said
to anyone, would you?’
‘Never, on my honour. If there’s one thing I do well it’s keep secrets.’
‘Well… not secret… just private. Good night, Gaddes.’ She slipped away into
Allen’s room.
‘Right,’ said Gaddes to the candle. ‘Back to the lonely hammock.’
 
In the early hours of the morning, he was awakened from a fairly restful sleep
by sounds of sobbing next door; then, unmistakably, the noise of someone being
sick. Out of practice with the hammock, he flipped himself onto the floor in a
sleepy effort to get up, then stumbled out into the corridor and knocked on the
door.
‘Are you all right in there?’ he called. ‘Sounds like someone’s not very
happy.’
The door was opened a crack and Millerna looked out at him. ‘Lilabet’s not
well,’ she said, ‘and Amie’s not at all well. I don’t know what’s the matter
but they’ve filled the potty. Could you bring some bowls and old towels?’
‘Right, right. Listen, are you okay? Millerna-hime?’ He scrubbed a hand through
his hair, trying to wake himself up properly.
‘I’m perfectly all right,’ she said. ‘I think they have food poisoning. I had
dinner with Allen, but they would have had food from the provisions we brought,
and I thought the shrimp was on the turn at lunch. I didn’t have any, and they
weren’t hungry then because they were airsick, so they ate the leftovers for
dinner, silly girls. Could you bring those things, and then have some water
boiled?’ It surprised him how composed she sounded. She kept her composure,
too, as she made the wretched girls comfortable, wiped their mouths with a wet
cloth and held cups of boiled water for them to drink. Gaddes trotted back and
forth, taking the chamber pot and an unpleasantly full bowl to tip down the
long-drop, taking Lilabet down to the long-drop when she suddenly sat up and
said she needed to go right now, trying not to wake anyone up (he had gone to
the kitchen for the water and bowls himself), taking Amie to the long-drop, and
generally following Millerna’s orders. It felt strange to spend so much time
around women; he supposed he was lucky he wasn’t in a position to be put off
them, because Lilabet and Amie in the throes of a violent tummy upset would
certainly have shattered any idea he might have had of feminine mystique.
‘Millerna-hime, it really isn’t right, you looking after us,’ Amie said weakly
as she settled down to try to sleep again. Lilabet was already dozing in her
one of the two cots put up in the middle of the room.
‘Don’t be silly,’ said Millerna briskly, ‘it’s all good practice. Don’t worry
about me in the morning. You two may sleep as late as you like, and I’ll look
after myself. Good night, now.’ She turned away from the cot and smiled wearily
at Gaddes, who had sat down on the end of the bed until he should be needed. He
stood up again, a little guiltily, wondering whether it looked wrong to seem
too comfortable in this room.
‘Thank you very much for all your help,’ she said.
‘You’re welcome,’ he said. ‘Do you need me any more, or shall I be off?’
‘Please tuck me in,’ she said, crawling back into bed. It surprised him rather.
‘Do you still get tucked in at night?’
‘Of course,’ she said, giving him an uncomprehending look.
‘All right, then.’ As well as he could remember from occasionally helping to
look after younger cousins, he did as she asked. ‘All comfortable?’
‘Yes, thank you,’ she said, settling the pillow between her shoulder and her
cheek as she lay on her side.
‘By the way…’
‘Yes?’
‘What did you mean about good practice? Do you expect to be looking after
puking maids all your life?’
‘I want to be a nurse,’ she said. ‘Or possibly even a doctor. Do you really
want to hear? Mostly people don’t.’
‘I think I’d like to hear,’ he said, sitting down again. ‘Can you do that when
you’re a princess?’
‘That’s what everyone thinks,’ she said, rolling her eyes impatiently. ‘But I’m
only a third princess, who’ll never have to be queen, so I shall have lots of
time on my hands, and I would rather use it doing something helpful than just
drinking tea and going shopping.’
‘I think that sounds really good,’ said Gaddes. ‘How did you think of it?’
‘Well,’ she said, and covered her mouth as she yawned slightly, ‘I decided
because of Mother. When she died the doctors couldn’t do anything for her. I
decided that I would just have to be a doctor myself and invent lots of new
operations and medicines to cure people. When I’m grown up… if you get sick
come and see me.’ She yawned again, her eyes half closed.
‘I’ll remember that,’ said Gaddes. ‘Good night or good morning.’ He patted her
hand, lying on top of the covers, and left quietly.
She woke him in the proper morning, even before reveille, tapping on the door.
He resisted the impulse to growl ‘Now what?’ She was all dressed, except that
the laces of her neat little boots were trailing, her hair was hanging loose
and her dress looked oddly bunched.
‘Help,’ she said as he opened the door. ‘My dress does up in the back and I
tried to button it myself but I think it’s all wrong.’ She turned her back to
him and waited expectantly.
Eleven years old, gets tucked in at night, not used to buttoning her own dress
or tying her own shoes. The rich are different. Patiently, he knelt and undid
her mis-buttoned dress and re-fastened it.
‘I really shouldn’t let a man see my underclothes,’ she said, squirming
nervously, ‘but I couldn’t think who else to ask when the girls are both
sleeping, and I think you’re safe - you are safe, aren’t you Gaddes? You were a
gentleman when I was in my nightie.’
‘Of course I’m safe. Try and hold still, these buttons are quite little.’ I’m
perfectly safe, and anyway you’re a child.
‘Would you tie my shoes for me too, please?’ She turned around and held out one
foot.
A nice, bright child, but in some ways quite a baby. He bent and tied the
laces. ‘All right?’
‘And…’ She held out her hand with a pink ribbon in it. ‘Will you tie back my
hair, please?’
‘Yes,’ he said, suppressing a sigh. ‘I guess I’m the world’s only army-
sergeant-cum-lady’s-maid. Ponytail good enough?’
‘Yes, thank you.’
‘You really ought to learn to tie bows, Millerna-hime. A girl your age…’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Most girls your age can dress themselves.’
‘I did dress myself!’
‘They dress themselves every day, I mean.’
‘Well, most girls my age aren’t princesses,’ she snapped, and stamped away
without a backward glance.
Right,thought Gaddes. There we have the line we don’t cross. Outside, reveille
sounded; he stumbled back into his room to get dressed.
He spent most of breakfast trying to decide whether he thought Allen looked as
though he hadn’t slept well either. It was a strange thing to be painfully
missing someone who was sitting directly opposite him at the same table, eating
toast and marmalade and drinking tea the way he did every morning.
Lime marmalade, milk, no sugar. He always likes the same thing. Oh, he has
pretty lips… Their eyes met for a moment.
‘You know, if you want some, it makes more sense to ask than to just sit there
looking hungrily,’ said Allen, pushing the marmalade jar towards him.
Oops. I think I’ve just been given a gentle warning. Unless it was a tease. In
which case I’ll have to give him a good ticking off about breaking the rules of
diplomacy. As soon as we’re alone. But as soon as we’re alone I’ll need to kiss
him… come on now, be sensible, missing one night together is not the end of the
world, and missing two or three nights should be no worse, now really, think of
all the nights you’ve managed to go alone before… but that wasbefore, before I
knew all his tastes and scents and sounds and sighs, before he slept in my arms
and woke me with kisses. And it’sboringnot to get to talk with him, and goof
around the way we do. I’mlonely.
‘Gaddes?’
‘What? Sorry.’ He blinked at Allen’s enquiring look. ‘I’m not really awake
yet.’
‘I was saying that today we might show the princess a little of the swamp.’
‘Is it safe?’ Millerna put in, looking worried. At her own insistence, she was
eating at the same table as Allen, and had irritably dismissed Captain Savoy
when he tried to sit next to her to supervise.
‘Oh, perfectly safe as long as you’re with me,’ said Allen, smiling. ‘You must
know that as a knight I am bound to protect you, Millerna-hime. And as a
gentleman, I would be ashamed to let any harm come to you.’
Millerna gave him a beaming smile and turned a little pink. Oh, good grief,
thought Gaddes. He should have to have a Charm Licence, or something. He’s a
danger to shipping. Allen had moderated his flirting recently, saying that he
didn’t want to seem to be trying too hard, but Gaddes was pretty sure he was
fully aware of - and rather enjoyed - the effect he could have on women with so
little effort. It was the only little spark of vanity in his character, and it
seemed pretty harmless.
‘I like to please women,’ he had said on one occasion, when Gaddes had teased
him about being a ladies’ man. ‘They deserve to be pleased. If I can make them
feel special with a little attention, why shouldn’t I?’ Then he had realised
how conceited that sounded and started gabbling a great many disclaimers about
there being no accounting for taste, before getting cross with Gaddes for
laughing, and trying, but failing, to sulk.
Showing the princess a little of the swamp merely meant taking her for a little
ride on horseback along the Lamor track, newly cleared and tamed. She asked
eager questions about everything she saw, and evidently regarded Allen as quite
brilliant.
‘Really, Millerna-hime, you flatter me. I don’t do all this by myself. I would
get nowhere without Gaddes, and without the hard work of my men. In fact it was
Gaddes who suggested what we’ve done in this area. He’s often more practical-
minded than I.’
Millerna spared Gaddes an unimpressed glance. ‘It must be awfully lonely for
you,’ she said sympathetically to Allen.
‘Too busy to be lonely, I expect,’ said Captain Savoy, from behind. He had
insisted on coming along, and persisted in attempting to ride between the
knight and the princess as a sort of conversational buffer zone. His efforts
were hampered by the fact that the trail was not really broad enough to permit
this manoeuvre, and by the lack of rapport between him and his borrowed horse.
It had not been deliberate on anyone’s part, as far as Gaddes knew, but he had
been given the most cross-grained animal in Castelo’s stable and it was
distinctly reluctant to co-operate with him. A number of the men with them were
smirking at his dificulties; his own men were represented by only a few
soldiers, since the stomach trouble suffered by the princess’ maids seemed to
have broken out among her honour guard too. Besides the fact that it would be
hospitable to show Millerna around a bit, Allen had presumably taken into
account that it would be thoroughly unpleasant for her to spend a day in a
fortress full of people being sick and queueing for the toilet.
By contrast, it was rather lovely out on the trail today; the abundant
greenness and dappled shade of the swamp foliage offset the blue-gold heat of
the sunny sky, and there was a soft, friendly wind that made the treetops
gently roll and billow; looking out from Castelo’s battlements you might have
thought yourself on a rocky island in the midst of a great green sea. That was
the way Gaddes saw it; he seemed to be good for nothing but fantasy today.
What does that make us moving through it? he wondered. A flotilla of little
boats? No, then we’d be above the treetops. Merpeople, riding seahorses or
dolphins? I’ve seen Allen as a merman before. And I’m just going to sit here
daydreaming about him, aren’t I? Yep. No matter what I start out to think about
it’s going to come back to images of him. I wake up and walk down to the beach,
and find him washed ashore, with ribbonweed and pearls tangled in his golden
hair, and bands of sea-ivory on his arms. My merman knight with a narwhal
lance, my sea-unicorn. In the ocean he fights battles with sea-serpents, with
pirates and sharks.
As if he had summoned them with his thoughts, the sharks and pirates of the
swamp abruptly decided to make an appearance. As they rounded a corner near a
curving riverbank, and Allen paused to point out to Millerna a mud-covered
alligator slumbering in the sun, there was a sharp signal whistle and bandits
rushed out from concealment. It was almost comical how obviously they wished to
rush back once they saw who they had ambushed; clearly a mistake had been made.
But there was no going back now, and the gang seemed to take heart from their
superiority in numbers to the small party from the fort.
‘Protect the princess!’ Allen cried, cutting off Captain Savoy before he could
give an order. He forced his own startled horse around to block the path of a
man racing in with a club held shoulder-high, taking advantage of the height of
his mount to deliver a sharp kick to his jaw, dropping him to the ground. With
shocking rapidity the scene had become a mêlée; fighting men everywhere. Only
the officers and the princess were on horseback; their way was impeded by
struggling foot-soldiers. Gaddes realised that he was the closest to Millerna;
she had screamed once as the bandits first burst out, but seemed to be trying
to keep her head and control her horse, which, unnerved by the combination of
an unfamiliar rider and sudden attack, was showing a tendency to rear. The
princess looked terrified, staring wildly around for some means of escape. He
ploughed his way towards her, bringing the blade and butt of his sword down
alternately upon the heads and shoulders of the enemy.
‘Archers!’ she shouted at him, sparing a hand from the reins to point to the
trees across the path; before he had time to look an arrow stood in her horse’s
shoulder, and she and it both screamed. The horse did rear then, wildly, almost
throwing her off; she lost her grip on the reins and hung on with both arms
around its neck. Gaddes managed to catch the reins as the animal plunged back
down, shouting for it to be still. At least it recognised a familiar voice of
authority, and settled a little. Gaddes felt that he had his hands pretty full
right here, but he risked a look over his shoulder to see how the others fared.
Captain Savoy’s horse had fallen with an arrow in its throat, but he was on his
feet and hacking at his assailants. Someone had had the bright idea or good
luck of driving a couple of bandits down towards the riverbank, where they had
disturbed the sleeping alligator and been attacked; the amber-brown water was
filling with clouds of red blood and black mud, and vee-shaped ripples in the
stream suggested that more alligators were coming. An archer fell from his
tree, screaming, with one of Oruto’s throwing knives in his chest. Golden hair
caught the sunlight and Gaddes’ desperate eyes found Allen, still on horseback
and driving the bandits down the path before him.
He’s all right, then, he thought, and was instantly a little ashamed of himself
for the feeling that in that case nothing else mattered too much. Allen wheeled
around, steel flashing in a singing arc, shouted his name. Startled, Gaddes
realised that there was a clear space behind him and Millerna.
‘Take her home!’ Allen yelled, then rode to a Pallas guard’s assistance.
‘Come on,’ said Gaddes, bringing the panicking horse’s head around with a jerk
and giving his own mount a sharp jab to get it moving. They thundered away in a
bewildering jumble of light and shade, the sunbeams cutting through the
treetops seeming to flash and flicker wildly as the horses ran beneath. An
arrow hissed after them, but struck a tree harmlessly, and there was no further
pursuit. Still, Gaddes kept them moving at a gallop for a good couple of
minutes more before he felt safe to pause and take stock.
Millerna was in less of a state than he had expected; she looked upset and
breathless, but had kept her seat well, and was obviously not planning to cry.
The first words out of her mouth were ‘Will he be all right? I mean will they?’
‘They’ll be fine,’ Gaddes told her curtly. I didn’t want to leave you there, I
want to be with you and help you. I won’t feel right until I see you again and
know you’re okay.
‘How brave,’ said Millerna. ‘Nothing like that has ever happened to me in my
life.’
‘Yeah, well, we don’t want anything else like that to happen, so let’s get back
to the fort.’
‘Were those men bandits? Would they have robbed us? Or kidnapped me?’
‘If they knew who you were, I suppose so, but I don’t think they did; they were
too disorganised. They didn’t size us up before attacking, and got more than
they bargained for. That’s one of the problems we’ve had since clearing out the
old gangs - bloody amateurs coming in thinking they can take over. The old
gangs were dirty bastards but they knew the area and they knew what they were
doing - they were good bandits, if that makes sense. These people… we can
handle them, but they waste a lot of our time. And they do stupid things, like
attacking us so near the fort, on a trail that it’s a point of pride with us to
keep clear. As soon as you and I get there we’re sending reinforcements, and
we’ll come down on them like a ton of bricks. They’ll be sorry.’ He started
down the path again, motioning her to follow.
‘I don’t think my horse is all right,’ Millerna said. ‘He’s limping.’ Gaddes
looked back over his shoulder. It was true; there was a thick trail of blood
from where the arrow still stuck in the horse’s flesh, and it had the bulging-
eyed look of an animal exhausted and in pain. If it was pushed, it might
collapse.
‘We’ll slow down a little, but we can’t stop,’ he warned. ‘Someone can look
after him when we get back. The Boss told me to take you home and that’s what
I’m doing, limp or no limp.’
‘Even in the middle of a battle, he thought of me,’ Millerna said, sounding
awed. ‘He’s such a gentleman.’
‘Of course he thought of you,’ Gaddes said, a little irritably. ‘Anyone would.’
He paused, thinking as they trotted along. ‘Millerna-hime?’
‘Yes?’ She spoke rather coolly.
‘I want to apologise. I’m sorry I offended you this morning.’ There, no-one can
say I hold a grudge. Easier by far to keep her happy.
‘That’s all right. I could tell you were feeling badly about it; you looked so
upset at breakfast.’
Bite your tongue, Sam, it’s not her fault, when you grow up a princess the
worlddoesrevolve around you. ‘Thank you.’ They rode on.
Having safely stowed Millerna at Castelo, Gaddes took his reinforcements back
down the trail. To his considerable relief, they met the original excursion
party on their way back, with prisoners. Allen was walking in the lead, having
given up his horse to Captain Savoy, who had a saber cut on his thigh and was
not up to walking. As he saw Gaddes approaching, he raised his hand and waved
somewhat wearily. There was a cut above his right eyebrow which had bled right
down the side of his face; it was one of those small wounds that bleeds a great
deal because of where it is, and for a moment it gave Gaddes a horrible fright.
‘Are you all right?’ he called out, as soon as they were within yelling
distance.
‘Oh, we’re fine,’ Allen replied, tactfully taking the singular for the plural.
‘May I bludge a ride on the back of your horse?’
‘I’ll get down if you…’
‘No need, just let me up behind you.’
He gave Allen a hand up, and felt him settle into place behind the saddle,
hooking an arm around his waist for balance. Just for a moment it was a hug, a
tenderness unnoticed as the men of the fort greeted their comrades with a rowdy
cheer. Gaddes felt a kind of contraction in his chest, a subtle sweet
heartache.
‘Not too bad,’ said Allen brightly - or trying to speak brightly. ‘One casualty
for us, at least seven for them.’
‘Who was our one?’
‘Pedder. I’ll have to write to his family.’
‘What can you say about someone like Pedder?’ Gaddes could hardly remember the
man.
‘He fought well and died bravely. The same thing I hope to have said of me.’
‘Personally, I’m hoping for “he lived well and died comfortably.” For you too,’
he concluded in an undertone.
‘Well, we can’t choose the manner of our end,’ said Allen.
‘Well, we can, but that’s called suicide.’
‘In an ideal world, I suppose I would choose to die in my own bed, a very old
man, in the arms of the one I loved most.’
‘It’s something to shoot for.’
‘I’d like to be murdered at the age of ninety-seven by a jealous husband,’ said
the cheery voice of Reeden, who neither of them had realised was so close by.
‘Oh, some hope,’ said Gaddes scornfully, trying not to sound as startled as he
felt.
‘That sort of thing is no joking matter,’ Allen said earnestly.
‘Why, Boss? Are you worried someone’s going to catch up with you?’ Reeden
grinned cheekily at him and turned aside to help Oruto, who was holding a
blood-soaked bandanna to his bald head and looked rather nauseous and wobbly.
‘You’ll have another really great scar there,’ they could hear Reeden telling
him enthusiastically.
‘I hope I won’t have a scar,’ said Allen, dabbing at his forehead with his
sleeve. ‘Does this look bad to you, Gaddes? It feels like I have quite a lump,
but of course I can’t see it.’
‘It’s just a nick with a bruise round it,’ Gaddes assured him. ‘It wants a cold
cloth and some arnica, that’s all.’
‘Hr-hrm.’ It was Captain Savoy clearing his throat as he rode up beside them.
‘Is the princess all right?’ he asked, sharply but not too ungraciously.
‘She’s fine,’ Gaddes told him. ‘Busy putting a bandage on her horse, but
there’s not a scratch on her. I think it was just a bit of an adventure for
her, once the fright was over.’
‘Good man,’ Savoy said, shifting uncomfortably in his saddle. ‘And Schezar, I
must compliment you on your men. They gave a very good account of themselves.’
‘Thank you, sir,’ said Allen. ‘I’m glad you were able to see them doing what
they do best.’
‘I must question the wisdom of taking the princess out for a ride along a trail
infested with bandits.’
‘This track’s been as quiet as a nunnery for the past month,’ Gaddes cut in,
quick to come to Allen’s defence. ‘There was no reason to think it wouldn’t be
safe. And anyway if the illness your men have got is contagious, wasn’t it
better for her to be out in the air?’
Savoy gave him a hard look for a moment before, surprisingly, nodding.
‘Perhaps,’ he said. ‘No matter now. She’s all right.’
Indeed, the princess seemed to be in her element once they arrived back at the
fort, bustling around with gauze and ointments and iodine, which she insisted
on applying to the entire length of the long jagged cut on Oruto’s head.
‘Don’t make such a silly fuss,’ she could be heard scolding over his loud
yelps. A messenger had been sent to bring the barber-surgeon from Lamor; even
if he was useless at treating fevers, he was competent at putting in stitches,
which several wounds, including that on Captain Savoy’s leg, would need.
‘It really shouldn’t have happened like that,’ Allen murmured, and winced as
Gaddes dabbed at the cut on his forehead with a cloth soaked in warm water and
antiseptic tea-tree oil.
‘Keep still,’ Gaddes told him. He was glad other people with more dramatic
injuries had distracted Millerna; he wanted to look after Allen himself. ‘I
know it stings a bit, but it’s better than letting it go septic.’ He wiped away
a little more of the dried blood; now he was cleaning it up he could see that
it really was not a serious cut, only about an inch long.
‘I know what you mean, though,’ he went on. ‘We haven’t had an attack like that
in ages. I played it down to the princess - she was asking about it - but apart
from misjudging their target those guys were actually pretty good. Not
organised enough, but good fighters.’
‘Do you know,’ Allen said slowly, ‘who I think I saw among them? Several
escaped before the end of the fight, so he’s not among the prisoners. I thought
I recognised Nichol.’ He glanced up at Gaddes, worried about how he would take
the news.
‘Well,’ said Gaddes without much expression, ‘that’s about what I would expect
from him.’ He continued to bathe the side of Allen’s face; the blood had
reached as far down as his neck, and spoiled his white collar.
‘I may have been quite mistaken,’ Allen said. ‘I’ve only met him once, in poor
light, when I was tipsy, so I couldn’t swear I’d know him again. I just thought
I would mention it, in case it was him, so that if he resurfaced at some stage
it shouldn’t take you by surprise.’
‘You’re a good friend,’ said Gaddes quietly. A strand of Allen’s hair had
fallen across his forehead; he gently brushed it back with his fingers, and
found his hand automatically followed the path it had taken so many times,
stroking his hair; he tried to disguise it as simply tucking it back behind
Allen’s ear so it would not get in the way of his first aid efforts, but the
ghost of a caress, combined with the way Allen’s eyes turned up towards his
face, the look of anxious love he saw there, sent an aching pulse of loneliness
through him. Once again he felt that he was falling forwards into that sweet
warm blue; he actually felt himself sway a little way forward and had to
consciously pull back in order not to try to kiss him. He could feel himself
blushing, and there were roses blooming in Allen’s cheeks. We shouldnotbe doing
this, not right in the mess where anyone could see us! Not that… not that we’re
actuallydoinganything… no, I can’t just stand here staring into his eyes, it
looks too weird.He abruptly turned away and coughed, unable to think of
anything more plausible-looking to do than fidget.
‘Well, I just hope you know that if he tries to bother you again I’ll beat him
to a pulp,’ said Allen, in an undertone.
‘I’ll just find you a plaster for that cut,’ said Gaddes, trying to sound
ordinary and unconcerned; but their eyes met again for a moment, and he nodded
slightly.
***** Chapter 14 *****
Late that night, when Allen was sitting up in his bunk in the cabin of Crusade,
writing up his diary for the day, he was disturbed by a tap at the door.
‘Yes?’
‘It’s just me,’ said Gaddes, putting his head into the room, and added ‘Boss,’
to make it clear that this was a diplomatic visit.
‘I thought I’d come and give you the latest from the engineers,’ he said,
crossing the room and taking a seat on the edge of the bunk, down at its foot.
‘Basically what they’ve done is take the bit that doesn’t work in the yacht,
out of Crusade, and put it in the yacht. Because Captain Savoy’s decided
they’re not going to wait to really fix it - a lot of them are still feeling
sick, some of them are hurt, and he doesn’t feel prepared to take a bunch of
people into Fanelia under those conditions. So I guess their state visit is
off, and goodness knows what kind of reprisals Fanelia will take for the insult
- send a dragon over? But what do I know, I’m just the messenger boy.’
‘It’s been a strange little visit,’ said Allen, speaking carefully. ‘It’s been
rather a strain.’
‘I know what you mean.’
‘The, ah, the diplomacy of it.’
‘Yes, Boss, I did say I know what you mean.’ Gaddes grinned briefly.
‘At least we seem to have partially redeemed ourselves in the good Captain’s
eyes. I must say I was rather offended by his attitude to us when he first
arrived.’
‘I could understand his attitude to us, but it wasn’t fair to you.’
‘You say that as though I’m separate from the us of you and the rest of the
fort,’ said Allen thoughtfully. ‘I think of us as one lot together.’
‘You are different from us. You’re different from me, you know that. You’re a
step up, finer quality. I don’t think a guy like him can talk down to you,
whatever he thinks about your famous reputation.’
‘My reputation grows all out of proportion with my actual exploits,’ said
Allen, blushing, ‘and yet I wonder if I’m actually known for anything that I’m
proud of having done - or really did, in some cases.’
‘Ah, now, you brought some of that upon yourself,’ said Gaddes, wagging a
finger at him.
‘It’s so nice to be able to talk to you properly again,’ Allen said, drawing up
his knees in front of himself and hugging them. ‘And to know that - well,
they’ll be leaving soon, won’t they? Perhaps as soon as tomorrow night I might
have you back properly… no more diplomacy… no more trying to be good.’
‘You could have had some competition there,’ said Gaddes. ‘You wouldn’t believe
what happened when I was talking to Captain Savoy before. He’s set himself up
on that nice little balcony, smoking a pipe and looking at the stars with his
leg up on a chair. I went up to tell him what the engineers told me, and he
told me what he was going to do. For some reason he’s in a better mood now - I
think he didn’t want to go to darkest Fanelia in the first place and he’s
feeling a lot better about having an excuse to turn back to civilisation.
Anyway, he got quite relaxed and chatty and invited me to sit down with him,
and asked me a bit about myself, and told me about where he lives in Pallas,
and his kids, and then - this is the part you won’t believe - he said, actually
said, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” And he gave me this look. And put his
hand on my knee.’
‘What!’ Allen exclaimed. ‘Well - well, what in the world did you say?’
‘I said “I don’t think I understand you either.” And he took his hand back and
we said good night. All perfectly civilised.’
‘I - I can’t believe he would do that!’
‘I didn’t really see it coming either, but I’ve never been really good at
telling when guys are like us. Some people have a better eye than others.
Either that or I give off a lot of really obvious signals I don’t know about.’
‘Either I’m not good at recognising it either, or you certainly don’t,’ said
Allen, sounding indignant. ‘I can’t believe he made a pass at you! And he’s
married!’
‘Well, there are a lot of guys like that. They got married before they
realised, or because they needed to for some other reason, and they have this
other secret life. One of the other guys that Nichol used to carry on with was
like that; he was this respectable businessman with about six kids, and it was
just his little monthly adventure to go to the bad part of town and pick
himself up a bit of rough.’
‘I think that’s a terrible way to carry on,’ said Allen. He looked quite upset.
‘It’s so unfair and dishonest. And demeaning. To everyone. What is “a bit of
rough,” anyway?’
‘Well, um, the expression is “rough trade”… it can mean someone who’s literally
rough with you… or someone who’s just kind of, um, rough around the edges,
someone… well, hell, Allen, someone like me for you. I’d pretty much assumed I
was your bit of rough, so to speak.’ He felt stupid saying it that way; his
face felt hot. ‘This really isn’t a diplomatic conversation.’
‘But we’re all alone,’ said Allen. ‘Is there anyone still working on Crusade?’
‘No… they’ve taken the bits they want and gone up to install them.’
‘Then can’t we say what we like? Can’t we be private… and secret… for a little
while? I’ve been so homesick for you, Gaddes. It isn’tthe same when I can’t
tell you, and show you, that I love you. You speak to me so beautifully with
your eyes, but - well - one wants more of a conversation than that.’
‘We really shouldn’t take any risks,’ Gaddes said. He could feel himself giving
in already; he turned to look at Allen properly. ‘I nearly really slipped up
today… when I was cleaning up that little cut of yours, and we were so close. I
hadn’t touched you since the princess got here, not properly.’
‘And you’ve always touched me gently,’ Allen said softly. ‘Not rough at all.
But if you mean the ways you’re different from me… rough around the edges… I
love that about you. You’re so real. You’re like a force of nature, something…
wild, but gentle, a man of the earth. I know when I first came here you didn’t
feel you belonged in the swamp, but you’ve always seemed so connected to me,
part of… part of the same movement in my life, part of the same mystery. And of
course green and brown are your colours,’ he concluded with a self-deprecating
little laugh.
‘If I’m earth,’ said Gaddes, shifting a little closer to him, ‘then you must be
heaven - blue and white and gold, and beautiful sunset.’
‘You ought to write poetry,’ said Allen, smiling, the smile of someone who knew
what was coming to him.
‘I’m bad at rhyming.’
‘You’re very, very good at saying things that make me feel all shivery and warm
and wicked.’
‘You’re good at inspiring me to say them.’ He lifted Allen’s hand from the
blanket and kissed the backs of his fingers.
‘What a sweet courtly gesture.’
‘Is this?’ He turned it over, pressed a soft, moist kiss into the palm, then
against the pulse-point of the wrist.
‘Oh, yes…’
‘It is?’
‘Not - no - keep going. Come closer.’ He leaned back on his pillow as Gaddes
advanced, arching over his body on hands and knees. He gazed down into Allen’s
eyes, stroking his hair back from his forehead, tenderly avoiding the purple
bruise half-covered by white sticking-plaster.
‘I was worried about you today,’ he said softly. ‘I hated having to do the safe
job while you were risking your life. I know I can’t ask you to avoid danger -
I wouldn’t, I love how brave you are - but it feels better when we at least
share the danger. I’d always fight twice as hard to protect you as if it were
just me.’
‘I asked you to take charge of the princess because I trust you so much,’ Allen
said. ‘I knew you’d protect her as you’d protect me. Right?’ He touched Gaddes’
lips, tracing their outline.
‘Well, I might not try to save her from lightning, but I wouldn’t let an
alligator eat her either.’ He kissed Allen’s fingertips, halting their ticklish
progress.
Allen touched his own lips, transferring the kiss there. ‘This is a very heavy-
handed hint,’ he said, and smiled.
‘I can take a hint if it’s heavy enough,’ Gaddes whispered, and kissed him
softly, deeply, sinking down on top of him for a full embrace. He felt Allen’s
arms wrap around him, his legs spread and rise to cradle him, felt himself
enveloped in warmth and love. It was such a relief to feel that again that he
almost wanted to cry. How would I cope if we were really separated, for a long
time? How could I live if he died? Or if, God forbid, he got fed up with me and
broke it off between us? I mustn’t think about that, I can’t think about that.
I want him always to love me as he loves me now…He had meant to go slowly,
leisurely, but his desire was becoming urgent, propelling him forcefully
onward; his body moved without instructions from his mind, rocking and rubbing
against Allen’s, taking increasing pleasure in the friction as his cock stirred
and stiffened, his heart leaping as he felt an answering hardness rising
between Allen’s thighs, an indistinct lump through the bedclothes.
‘Don’t want a blanket between us,’ Allen gasped, breaking away from their kiss.
‘Whoops,’ said Gaddes, hastily rising on his arms; he moved too fast and
cracked his head against the low ceiling above the recessed bunk. ‘Ow! Shit…’
He rubbed his head ruefully, caught Allen’s startled eye and started to laugh
in spite of the ache.
‘My poor darling,’ said Allen, trying his best not to laugh as he pushed the
covers down. ‘You’ll have a bump to match mine.’
‘I have got a bump to match yours,’ Gaddes said, taking his hand and guiding it
to touch the straining bulge in his pants. ‘Unless this wasn’t the kind of bump
you meant?’
‘Um, not quite, although it does feel very swollen. Would you like me to kiss
it better?’
‘It’ll get more swollen,’ Gaddes murmured, nuzzling against his earlobe as he
pressed against the gentle squeeze of Allen’s hand. ‘Big and hot and red, feel
it throb…’
‘Well, sometimes you have to just… bring it to a head and release the
pressure.’ A soft ticklish explosion of smothered laughter against his neck.
‘I’m sorry, sorry, but that metaphor just got really disgusting.’
‘It’s your fault for introducing a metaphor in the first place!’ Allen
pretended to growl and smacked him across the shoulders, although the growl
rather got lost in a flutter of delighted gasps as Gaddes kissed the base of
his neck, raising a rosy necklace of flushed, tingling skin.
‘But I’m a poet.’
‘You’re a pervert. In the nicest possible way, of course.’
‘Takes one to know one.’ As his lips grazed against Allen’s collarbone, his
hands slid down over his hips to stroke his thighs, passing over soft cotton on
the downstroke, pushing it away to expose warm skin on the upstroke.
‘Oh, I’ve missed you there,’ Allen breathed. ‘And higher up…’
‘I - no.’ Abruptly, and to Allen’s astonishment, Gaddes pulled away, backing up
to the end of the bed. ‘We shouldn’t. Really shouldn’t.’
‘What? Why not?’ Allen’s hand flew up to the bruise on his forehead. ‘Am I - do
I look ugly with this? Do you not want to?’
‘Of course I want to. Have you met me? But - but we made a rule for ourselves,
and I think we’ve really got to try to keep it.’
‘I thought you agreed that we didn’t need to any more, that we were safe now!
It’s unfair to let me get all warmed up and then throw cold water on me.’ He
glared at Gaddes, hurt and confused, somehow embarrassed. He tugged at the hem
of his nightrobe, trying to rearrange it more respectably.
‘I’m sorry, I really am. It was what you said, calling me a pervert, it took me
a moment but - I feel so safe with you that I forget - look, there’s a good
reason for this rule, we’ve got to keep it in mind, no matter how we feel. We
might think it’s all right, no-one’s going to come in here now, but - look,
supposing they did, for some freakish reason, or supposing it was another time
and because there was this time before it we thought we’d bend the rule again
and it was less safe, look, it’s not just that it would be embarrassing or
awkward to get caught all over each other, it’s like I told you, like I wrote,
people think this is evil. Perverted, evil, dangerous. There would be so much
shit. I don’t want to risk it, for you or me. It would ruin everything here,
you couldn’t keep commanding these men if they knew something like that about
you. We might not physically be safe. Have you thought about that? Probably
not, you’re ignorant-innocent, and I’m older than you and I’ve been around and
I’ve got to try to take responsibility. So, so no, we can’t do it tonight, we
can’t risk it until the outsiders are gone and things are back to a pattern we
can predict. I’m not happy either, I’m desperate for you, but we just can’t.
Please say you understand. At least say something and stop me chuntering on
like this.’ He paused, unhappily, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. ‘It’s
your fault anyway for getting me started,’ he said, displaying the human gift
for going on talking well after one should have shut up.
‘I like that!’ Allen exclaimed scornfully. ‘You started talking about that worm
Savoy making a pass at you.’
‘You said something about you and me before that!’ Gaddes protested.
‘You gave me a flirty smile!’ Allen grabbed the bedclothes and pulled them back
up. ‘Go away,’ he said sharply. ‘I don’t want to talk to you, you’re
unreasonable and unkind.’
‘Oh, please, don’t turn this into a fight.’
‘It is a fight! I haven’t turned it into anything.’ He rolled over and faced
the wall, curled up.
‘Allen…’
‘I’m not listening, go away.’
‘Allen, I can’t stand it if you’re angry with me.’ He was shocked to hear
something close to a sob in Gaddes’ voice; he peered over his shoulder,
wondering if he had heard right.
‘And I’m only saying it because I want us to be able to be together and be
happy,’ Gaddes went on, trying and failing to sound calm. ‘You said you think
of all of us as, as one big Us, together, but as soon as they found out it’d be
Us and Them. If you want the life you’ve got, if you want to be with me, if you
want to have any friends, we have to be careful. I’m sorry I said it was your
fault, that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t sticking to the rules either. But - I mean…’
He put his head in his hands, despairing of the whole thing. He felt the bed
creak and shift as Allen moved, and looked up in surprise as one of his hands
was taken and held.
‘Let’s not fight any more,’ Allen said, looking him steadily in the eye. ‘I’m
sorry too. It was a ridiculous argument anyway. How can we justify fighting
about loving each other? I think I was, perhaps, enjoying feeling special and
precious too much to remember my own good resolutions. It’s such a shock to my
system for you to be enjoining me to moderation and restraint.’ He smiled
wryly. ‘I find it thoroughly ironic that, by the nature of the situation, we
can’t kiss and make up in any literal sense.’
‘Thank you,’ said Gaddes fervently, pressing Allen’s hand between both his. He
relaxed, feeling the tension leave his neck and shoulders with a palpable
relief, like letting go of a heavy weight. ‘I don’t know how good our chances
are for the future when we’re so bad at keeping our resolutions over just two
nights.’
‘Diplomacy is something that has to be learned, and initial mistakes are part
of learning,’ Allen said firmly. ‘Now, and I mean you absolutely no offence,
because I adore you, get out of my sight. You are temptation in trousers and
your presence does not help me to settle down to sleep.’
‘Notice how I don’t even stoop to the obvious joke about being more tempting
out of my trousers,’ Gaddes said, getting up and making his best approach to a
courtly bow. ‘Good night, sir, and sleep well.’
‘It’s no worse than what I thought of a minute ago about the need to pull
ourselves together,’ Allen said, lying down and rearranging his covers. ‘Good
night.’
‘It really does take one to know one,’ Gaddes said over his shoulder as he
left.
‘Good night.’
‘If it makes you feel any better, my balls are even now turning blue,’ he
added, popping his head back round the door.
‘Good night!’ Allen said, laughing, and threw his pillow to make the point.
 
There was a small lurking shadow in the corridor outside Gaddes’ room, which
resolved itself into Princess Millerna as he drew nearer.
‘Princess?’
‘Good evening, Gaddes,’ she said, a little nervously.
‘Why aren’t…’ No, no, don’t sound like you’re telling her off, you just got
back on her good side. ‘Is everything all right? I’m surprised you’re not in
bed at this time of night.’
‘Well, there was no-one to make me go,’ she said, sounding half-defiant. ‘Both
the girls went to sleep early. I think they’re feeling a little bit better but
they’re worn out.’
‘Oh. Oh, right then. Um – are you bored? Hanging around here?’
‘I was hoping to see you,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t sure where you would be, and I
don’t really like walking around all over this place by myself, and I thought
you would have to come back here sooner or later.’ She made a wry little face.
‘And then I thought, what if he’s gone out on one of these night patrols Allen
told me about – and I had just decided to give up and go to bed when you came
up the stairs.’
‘Why… I mean, what did you want to see me for?’
‘To ask you to help me. Will you teach me how to tie bows?’ She put on her most
deliberately princessy voice to make this request, and he supposed she was
embarrassed to be humbling herself like this. He was rather impressed that she
did it at all.
‘Of course. I’d be happy to. Let’s…’ He looked around uncertainly. ‘Let’s sit
at the head of the stairs, here, under the lamp, and I’ll show you the basics.
It’s not difficult once you know how it’s done.’
Within a few minutes of instruction and demonstration, she was able to tie
quite a neat, firm bow of her own, and looked down at her shoe with obvious
satisfaction.
‘And that’ll do for your shoelaces, your hair ribbons, whatever – and if you
want to make it really fast tie the two loops over in a knot.’
‘I’m not very good at knots either,’ she admitted. ‘Someone always ties the end
of the thread for me when I do needlework.’
‘Well, that’s no problem. If you learned bows so quickly you can do knots easy.
Just untie that shoelace, have it out of the holes, and I’ll show you a few
ways. I’m not promising they’ll be good for ladylike needlework, mind you. The
most I know how to do is sew buttons back on and patch up a rip, and that
always turns out lumpy.’
‘Then the least I can do is to teach you running-stitch – show me some useful
knots, and then I’ll fetch my needlework bag.’
They got quite friendly over the project, and as they worked Millerna began to
chatter away to him about various things, particularly life in Pallas; it was
strange to hear someone else mention the things Allen always reminisced about,
to realise that she belonged more to his world in some ways than Gaddes himself
did.
But I’ve brought him intomyworld, and he likes it there, he reassured himself.
‘It’s so funny that you don’t mind learning a girly thing like sewing,’
Millerna said, having just praised quite a neat seam he had made between two
scraps of cotton she had dug out of the needlework bag.
‘Well, it’s useful. I don’t see the point of marking things off as girly things
and boysy things, a lot of the time.’
‘That’s very Egzardian of you,’ she said. ‘They don’t believe in separate
spheres for men and women – not as much as we do, anyway. I think I shall go to
live in Egzardia when I grow up – at least, for part of the year. I have
cousins there and it’s delightful when we visit them.’ She lowered her voice as
if imparting secret information. ‘The girls wear trousers, just like the boys!
If they want to, I mean.’
‘Do the guys ever wear skirts?’ Gaddes asked, grinning. ‘To make it even?’
‘Silly. Well, some men wear a kind of skirt here, I suppose – but if you mean
skirts like on my dress, with petticoats, no. At least, not any that I met. I’m
sure they could if they wanted to. It’s that kind of place. And they have
lovely, lovely art and music and food, and what they call grotesques, little
funny stone-carved people and animals, all over the outside of every building –
and some inside too.’ She went on to tell him a great deal about the various
charms of Egzardia, growing increasingly enthusiastic, until, describing a
fireworks display held in Autumn, she illustrated the flight and explosion of a
rocket with an exuberant ‘wwwwhiiiiiiiiiiiii – kaBOOOM!’ and a sweep of her
arms which almost made her lose her balance. She caught herself back and looked
sheepish.
‘I have been rabbitting on,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry to bore you with all this.’
‘It’s not boring at all,’ he assured her. ‘I’m enjoying it.’
‘I am glad,’ she said, giving him a broad, decidely unprincessy smile. ‘You’re
so easy to talk to. Do you know, Gaddes, you’re the first common person I’ve
been friends with!’
‘Really!’ said Gaddes politely, trying to take it in the spirit in which it was
meant. ‘Well, you’re the first princess I’ve been friends with, so it’s a new
experience on both sides.’ His initial little class-conscious raising of
hackles had subsided, and he was able to add quite sincerely ‘And it’s an
honour for me to have you consider me a friend, Your Highness.’
‘Oh, piffle,’ she said, looking pleased. ‘I’m not Your Highness, I’m just
Millerna at the moment.’ She paused, playing with her thimble, then looked up
at him rather seriously.
‘You know Allen?’
‘I’ve glanced at him, yes.’
‘Do you think he likes me?’
‘Of course he likes you. Then again,’ he added with a little smile, ‘I’d say
he’s quite favourably disposed to most girls.’
Millerna looked hurt, and he hastened to explain. ‘I mean because of being a
knight. You know, he’s chivalrous, and he believes in protecting ladies and
stuff, so of course he likes a princess.’
‘Does he like a princess, or does he like Millerna?’ she asked, sounding a
little forlorn.
‘Oh yes, yes, I’m sure he likes Millerna,’ Gaddes said. ‘Why wouldn’t he?
Princess apart, you’re a great girl. The way you’ve carried yourself, with
everything that’s happened, he must be as impressed as I am.’
‘Oh good,’ she said, accepting the assurance readily. ‘You see, he didn’t
really know me when he was at court before, and I’ve been afraid he thinks of
me as just a little girl.’
‘Um… Princess… I might’ve got the wrong end of the stick, but you’re, what,
eleven, and he’s seventeen…’
‘Oh, goodness no, no no no, I didn’t mean anything like that!’ she exclaimed,
laughing and waving her hands, although he thought she blushed a little
guiltily. ‘Only that I hope he likes me for myself, and isn’t just being kind
to me as he would to a child.’
‘I don’t think you need to worry about that,’ said Gaddes, although he was
pretty sure that this, combined with chivalry, was in fact the case. He would
be ashamed to hurt her feelings by saying so.
‘We go home tomorrow,’ said Millerna, with a small, wistful sigh. ‘Adventure
over! I shall be sorry not to see Fanelia again; it’s so pretty up in the
mountains, and perhaps by now Van would have turned into a human being. He
might have been my brother-in-law, you know – they thought for a while of
marrying Eries to his brother Folken, until he disappeared, poor man. I did
like him.’ She sighed again. ‘But Eries is so difficult now. She says she
doesn’t want to marry anybody. She’s been saying it… since about the time
Marlene got married, I think. I think it put her off to see her have to go
away. It was… it was a bit sad. If I were going to marry someone foreign, I
think I would want him to be from Egzardia, since I like that country already.
I don’t know anything about Freid.’ She spoke very seriously, as if this were
something she had given a good deal of thought.
‘You’re a bit young to have to pick who to marry,’ Gaddes said lightly.
‘Oh, but I’m engaged already,’ she said, quite matter-of-fact. ‘To the son of
an Asturian merchant lord. He’s an awful bore. I think he’s Allen’s age. He
came to tea once, and he brought a book and read it the whole time instead of
talking to me. He has glasses and spots, and he needs a haircut – he has long
hair, but not nice long hair like Allen’s. Fortunately he spends almost all his
time away on business trips, so when we’re married I shan’t have to be bothered
with him too often.’
‘Oh,’ said Gaddes, rather thrown. He wasn’t sure what reaction was appropriate
– condolences? ‘Well, maybe he’ll turn into a human being too. People often
improve with age, and at least the spots should clear up. You don’t have to
marry him any time soon, do you?’
‘Not for years,’ she said comfortably. ‘I hardly think of it. There are so many
things that are more interesting, like nursing and horses and - and friends.
Also, I heard that perhaps if things become more stable in Fanelia, and Van
becomes King properly, I might be married to him instead, or maybe to someone
important from Zaibach, since they’re our allies – so there are always other
possibilities, and someone else might come up altogether.’ She took a look at
Gaddes’ politely immobile expression, and seemed to sense that he was a little
gobsmacked. ‘They don’t tell me these things, you know. I eavesdrop.’
A little silence fell between them. From outside, Gaddes heard Natal’s hunting
cry.
‘If the owl is out and about,’ he said, ‘I think it might be about time we got
to bed. I was headed there myself when I met you.’ He folded the bits of cotton
together and offered them back to her.
‘I wanted to ask you one more thing,’ Millerna said, taking them but not yet
putting them away in her bag. ‘Something about Allen.’
‘Yes?’
‘I want to give him a present, to say thank you for his hospitality to us, and
for protecting me when the bandits attacked us. He was so brave. No-one was
ever wounded for me before.’ Her eyes went very big at the thought.
‘It’s only a little cut – he’s quite all right.’ Notice that no-one else who
got wounded in that fight gets a mention. Or me for getting her to safety! Oh
well. I don’twanther to have a crush on me.
‘I just can’t think what would be suitable. It would have to be something I
sent once we got back to Asturia, as I haven’t anything with me, only the
presents I was going to give in Fanelia, and those aren’t really mine to give
away to anyone else. They’re from Father to Van. And they’re not all that
nice,’ she added in a conspiratorial undertone. ‘You know him. What do you
think he would like? I want it to be something personal that suits him, not
just an awful conventional thank-you present like everyone gives, like flowers
or a fruit basket.’
‘Actually,’ said Gaddes slowly, ‘I think he’d really like that.’
‘What? Flowers? You can’t send flowers to a man, I was just giving an example.
People give me flowers all the time, and I don’t know what to do with them.’
‘No, the fruit basket. I’ll tell you one thing he really misses about living in
the city, the variety of food you can get there, and he specially misses nice
fresh fruit. There’s not much to choose from here, it’s mainly berries, apples,
and a few little tough melons. It would really be a treat for him if you sent a
few nice big bunches of grapes.’
‘Just grapes?’
‘Well, grapes are his favourites, but let’s see… you could throw in some
peaches – oh, and plums, maybe cherries – and anything else you think is nice,
really, please yourself. Would that be possible? I mean, to send fruit all the
way out here and have it arrive fresh?’
‘Oh yes,’ she said, ‘I’m sure we could arrange something. Would that really,
really be a nice surprise for him?’
‘I can tell you,’ said Gaddes, grinning, ‘without a word of a lie, I cannot
wait to see his face when he opens the box.’
 
With a certain amount of relief on both sides, the royal yacht departed early
the next day, making good speed for Asturia. The floating rock cannibalised
from Crusade was not exactly the right size to balance the remaining original
one, so the whole thing floated on a slant, but it was sound, and would be sent
back to them, towed by a tug, once the yacht reached its home port and thorough
repairs could be made.
Because he had promised Millerna, Allen, accompanied by Gaddes, climbed to the
roof of the fort to wave her out of sight.
‘Ouch,’ he said, when the yacht was quite a way off but a white handkerchief
was still visible being flourished from a porthole. ‘My waving arm is tired!’
‘What you go through for a lady,’ Gaddes said, shaking his head and smiling.
‘Oh, I shouldn’t complain,’ said Allen, smiling back. ‘It’s an easy enough
thing to do to make a little girl happy. She’s rather sweet, isn’t she?’
‘She’s a good kid.’
‘She’s my sister’s age,’ Allen said, finally dropping his arm as the
handkerchief was withdrawn, and giving it a shake to get some blood back into
the hand.
‘I forbid you to think about your sister and get mournful,’ Gaddes warned him.
‘It’s all right, I wasn’t going to. It was just… rather nice to have a little
girl about the place. A feminine presence. Beside me, that is.’ He gave a
little self-deprecating laugh.
‘She has a crush on you.’
‘She does not,’ said Allen, looking startled.
‘Does so – you think I don’t know the signs when I see them in a fellow-
sufferer?’
‘How embarrassing! I didn’t mean her to have.’
‘Oh, don’t worry ‘bout it. Her and everyone else in the world. You know you’re
cute. It works even when you’re not purposely turning on the charm.’
‘I see you’ve abandoned diplomacy with unseemly haste,’ Allen remarked, archly.
‘I’m still holding back. I’m not actually going to try and jump you until
they’re out of telescope range,’ said Gaddes, smiling.
‘We’ve got my room back,’ said Allen, rocking back and forth from heel to toe,
with an air of pleasant expectation. ‘And although we’ll have to go around to
the farmsteads this morning giving a warning and asking for information about
this new gang, I do believe I’m going to want to consult with you there after
lunch.’
‘It feels like I haven’t had a good consultation in years.’
‘We’re terrible, we really are,’ said Allen, losing his composure slightly and
giggling.
‘We’re young! We’re meant to be.’
 
The two of them having split off with different groups, to go around the
outlying settlements more quickly, and Gaddes’ party having been delayed for
some time when their boat ran aground on an unknown sandbar, and again when
Katz got into quicksand trying to push it off and had to be rescued, he was
somewhat late coming back to the fort. Lunch was more or less over and the cook
grumbled about having to dish up again; Allen seemed to be nowhere in sight, so
Gaddes took his plate up to the bedroom, feeling rather hopeful and trying not
to run.
He found him pacing about looking worried, and not particularly ready for an
assignation.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, pushing the door shut with his foot.
‘Look at this!’ said Allen, holding something out at arm’s length. Gaddes came
closer, putting his plate down on the end of the bed as he went. Hanging from
between Allen’s finger and thumb, as if he didn’t wish to take a firmer grip,
was something smallish and pink, made of fine fabric. It took Gaddes a moment
to understand.
‘What are you doing with a pair of girl’s undies?’
‘They were under the bed!’ Allen said, in a sort of frantic whisper. ‘She must
have left them by mistake! Her maids weren’t well enough to notice something
was missing. What am I going to do!?’
‘Send them back, obviously,’ said Gaddes, taking the underpants and stretching
them out to have a better look. ‘Hey, I thought your undies were fancy – she’s
got butterflies embroidered on hers!’
‘Don’t look at that!’ said Allen, sounding scandalised.
‘You told me to look at them.’
‘I mean don’t comment! It isn’t respectful.’
‘I was admiring them, not being cheeky. Don’t you think I of all people ought
to be safe to look at girl’s undies without getting inappropriately excited?’
‘Please stop saying undies. It sounds indelicate. They’re – I don’t know –
panties.’
‘Panties,’ Gaddes repeated, highly amused at how prim and flustered Allen was
getting. ‘Pretty pink princess panties. She’s probably got a million more and
won’t even notice these are gone, but I can see you’re feeling bad about it. So
send them back!’ He tossed them to Allen, who caught them, looked mortified,
and threw them onto the bed as if they were a hot potato.
‘I can’t possibly,’ said Allen. ‘What if someone opened the package before she
did? Think of how it would look!’
Gaddes thought for a moment, and began to laugh.
‘It’s not funny,’ Allen lamented, flinging himself down on the bed in an
attitude of despair.
‘It is, it is.’ Putting on his Allen-being-a-little-too-smooth voice, he added
‘My dear Millerna, here are the panties you left under my bed. Your visit was
such a pleasure – I hope to see more of you soon. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say
no more.’
‘All right,’ said Allen, trying not to smile, ‘it’s a little bit funny. But
it’s really not – she would be in terrible trouble, I shudder to think what
King Aston would do to me, and besides anything else I would be ashamed for
people to think I took liberties with a girl that young.’
‘Of course, of course.’ Gaddes shrugged. ‘So what can you do?’
‘I suppose wait until I do see her again and give them back in person, so there
can’t be any misunderstanding,’ Allen said. ‘I won’t destroy her property. And
I must keep them very well hidden.’
‘Because keeping a princess’ panties as a souvenir is even more suss than
sending them to her in the post,’ said Gaddes, grinning.
‘Don’t be awful. It’s so embarrassing. It gave me an awful shock when I caught
sight of them and realised what they were.’
‘She is careless with her things,’ Gaddes said, sitting down beside him and
taking up the panties again. ‘It’s a shame, because these must’ve cost a bomb.
This is even finer silk than your fancy pants, and look at the tiny little
stitches in the embroidery. That took someone ages.’
‘They are rather charming, aren’t they?’ Allen said with a sigh, sitting up and
drawing up his knees, to rest his arms upon. ‘I do envy girls sometimes,
getting to wear such nice things. When I was a child I always had pretty
clothes.’
‘Seriously?’
‘I know it sounds funny, but yes. They were always proper boy’s clothes, of
course, but beautifully made and trimmed… I remember particularly a pair of
blue velvet knickerbockers and a shirt with lace on the cuffs that I absolutely
loved. My mother enjoyed dressing me and Celena up; it was part of how she
showed how precious we were to her. A little boy can wear those things, of
course, and it just looks pretty, perhaps a little sissified, but not
questionably so. When I think of the contrast between those clothes and the
rough things I got about in when I was a bandit… they seemed to fit how unhappy
I was, you know. I didn’t feel pretty or nice or loved, I was furious with the
whole world, and it was as though all the beautiful and happy things I
remembered were unreal, as flimsy as fine lace, unable to stand up to the hard
wear of life. And of course if I had worn clothes like that where I was I could
have been killed for them. Thieves shouldn't look as if they have anything
worth stealing themselves.’
‘It’s not the first word I would have picked for it, but you know your
uniform’s pretty, right?’
‘It is a bit,’ admitted Allen, fingering his cravat with a touch of
complacency. ‘When I was allowed, and invited, to wear clothes like this again,
it felt a little like being allowed some of the world I grew up in back again.
It was bittersweet, but I did start to feel a little more like myself. And –
and things like my “fancy pants” – I chose them because I wanted to feel I was
wearing something really pretty, if only in private where no-one but me knew
about it – but I was still trying to restrain myself a bit, so I got very plain
ones, just silk shorts without decoration or anything. I told myself it was all
right as long as they were like that, it was still manly.’ He was blushing as
he tried to explain.
‘Allen.’
‘What?’ He sounded nervous.
Gaddes held up the panties, raising one eyebrow at him. ‘Are you saying, in
your roundabout kind of way, you’d like to wear something like these?’
Allen turned so red that a verbal answer was not really necessary.
‘Not all the time!’ he said hastily. ‘Just – just once in a while…’
‘Well, you can’t wear these, they’re too little for you.’ Gaddes stretched out
the waistband to illustrate his point.
‘And they’re Millerna’s! Stop brandishing them about like that. I’m going to
put them away.’ He jumped up from the bed, snatching them away, and went over
to his desk to put them in an envelope and seal it securely. Gaddes took the
opportunity to eat a little of his lunch, which his stomach was informing him
had been sadly missed. He chewed bacon and egg pie and watched with some
amusement as Allen bustled around looking for a sufficiently secret place to
keep them.
‘Is there a loose floorboard?’ he said helpfully. ‘You could hide them under
there.’
‘You’re not helping,’ Allen told him sternly. ‘What if I put them behind a row
of books on the shelf? No. Or in the pocket of my waterproof cape? No.’
‘It’s just an envelope, Allen, it isn’t going to look that suspicious. You
could leave it in plain sight.’
‘I wrote “Millerna’s Panties” on it so I wouldn’t forget what it was.’
Gaddes gave a sputter of laughter and almost choked on his mouthful. Wiping his
eyes, he said ‘No-one who doesn’t know you like I do could believe what a
fussbudget you can be.’
‘Gaddes!’
‘All right, all right, don’t get your knickers in a twist.’
‘Is that meant to be a joke?’
‘No, but I wish I’d thought of that. Don’t you have a little strongbox or
something with a  lock on it?’
‘Yes! Gaddes, you’re brilliant.’ Allen hurried back to the desk and plunged
into one of the drawers.
‘What do you keep locked up?’
‘Father’s journal, Mother’s locket with locks of Celena’s and my hair in it,
and my old letters from Marlene,’ said Allen. ‘And your love-letter,’ he added.
‘You really should’ve thought of that yourself,’ said Gaddes. ‘What would you
do without me?’
‘Pine away and die. There we are. Safe and sound. What a relief!’
‘My letter’s in very illustrious company,’ said Gaddes, putting his empty plate
on the floor and stretching out on the bed.
‘You do know, don’t you, that aside from Mother’s locket it’s the most precious
thing I have in there?’ Allen turned to look at him, a little calmer now the
incriminating evidence was well stowed.
‘Thank you,’ Gaddes said, smiling peacefully. ‘With that little crisis out of
the way, do you remember why you asked me to come here today? Care to unclench
a little?’
Allen finally relaxed, and began to laugh at himself. ‘Why do I take things so
terribly seriously?’ he asked as he joined Gaddes on the bed, welcomed with a
kiss.
‘It’s something I love about you. Don’t worry about it.’
‘Down with diplomacy!’
 
For the next few days, their time was heavily occupied by efforts to discover
just how long this new gang of bandits had been in the area, how strong they
were in numbers, what else they had been up to and where they might be found.
It was a mark of what Allen had achieved so far that they had kept such a low
profile, not daring to attempt one of the old-style protection rackets or
openly intimidating people who lived locally. They seemed to confine their
attentions to travellers passing through, and appeared unpleasantly disposed to
kill those they robbed so that no witnesses could pass on an account of them.
The attack on the riding party had been an out of character blunder; a
fortunate one from the fort’s point of view.
So far, little more than this was known about them. No names, no stories.
‘They’re like ghosts,’ someone said, rather unwisely. A rumour started among
the more superstitious that the gang were in fact the vengeful spirits of
bandits previously despatched by the men of the fort, impossible to kill with
normal weapons.
‘Which fails to explain why they fall over and lie still if you stab them,’
Allen said, rather crisply. He was annoyed by this rumour; it was pointlessly
demoralising, and diverted attention to wild speculation that could have been
better devoted to discipline and vigilance. The men of the fort were divided
into two unequal camps; the larger, to his relief, dismissed the supernatural
explanation as foolish, an excuse for cowards who didn’t want to have to face a
new enemy. The remainder might be subdivided into those who believed and were
genuinely frightened, and those who were confused and doubtful.
‘Once we’ve engaged them properly, you will all see that there is nothing more
unnatural about these men than about yourselves,’ Allen told them firmly, and
doubled the shifts on patrol in the swamp. Armed escorts were provided to those
of the locals who wished to come to the fort for market day, although this
number initially dropped off somewhat.
In more orderly times, the main fort had maintained a network of smaller guard-
towers scattered through the swamp, providing shelter, resources and a place of
defence for patrols and travellers unable to reach Castelo when trouble struck.
Although abandoned and much dilapidated, many of them were still standing, and
it was decided to begin repairs and refurbishments, that they might be returned
to use.
‘No rest for the wicked, right?’ said Reeden. ‘It never stops. Just when we
think we’re up to speed you tell us there’s something more we’ve got to do.’ He
was helping Gaddes to clear away the lumber from a section of roof that had
fallen into an outlying blockhouse. It was difficult, sweaty work, and somewhat
precarious as the remaining beams above did not seem altogether sturdy.
‘I never knew there was going to be so much to it either,’ Gaddes commiserated.
‘But you know he’s right.’
‘Of course, the ever-loving Boss is always right,’ Reeden grumbled, trying to
suck a splinter out of his thumb. ‘You think the sun shines out of him.’
‘Watch your attitude, chum.’
‘It’s the splinter talking. I know he’s all right. He works us bloody hard,
though.’
‘And we do a bloody good job,’ said Gaddes, grinning at him as he swung a baulk
of timber up onto his shoulder. ‘Stop bitching and put your back into it.’
 
The working party arrived back at the fort in the evening, hot, grubby and
tired, to find everyone who had remained behind in a state of feverish
curiosity about a crate which had just been dropped off by a small courier ship
from the capital.
‘Just landed, unloaded and took off again,’ Katz reported to Gaddes. ‘It’s
labelled for the Boss. You reckon we should open it?’
‘Do you see him? No? There’s your answer.’ Allen had taken another party of men
to Lamor in the morning, delivering prisoners to the courthouse, and was
expected back before too long.
‘But what’s someone sending him? When he orders stuff it comes overland or
upriver from Lamor like everything else.’
‘Ours not to reason why. I’m putting it in his room.’
‘You’re smirking. You know what it is.’
‘I’ve got an inkling.’ As Gaddes lifted the crate, a small quantity of cold
water dribbled from the lowermost corner.
‘It’s leaking!’ Baile exclaimed, peering critically at the underside of the
box.
‘On me,’ said Gaddes, shaking his dampened leg. ‘Come on, shoo, it’s not that
exciting. You’re like a bunch of kids sometimes.’
‘But we’re getting addicted to unusual stuff happening and giving us a bit of
excitement,’ Reeden explained. ‘Princesses dropping by, mysterious boxes and
stuff. If we’re deprived of stimulation we’ll get all jittery and weird. Cold
turkey.’
‘Well then, the nail-biting uncertainty of not knowing should be just what you
need,’ Gaddes told him pleasantly, and took the crate upstairs.
When Allen returned, not long afterward, he found the crate standing in the
middle of his bedroom floor, the nails thoughtfully loosened, and Gaddes using
his washstand.
‘Hi,’ he said, looking up from lathering his arms. ‘I hope you don’t mind me
using your stuff, but I got pretty dirty working today and I wanted to have a
scrub-off just to be comfortable.’
‘Oh, I never mind a chance to see you with your shirt off,’ Allen said, smiling
as he nudged the door shut.
‘Shame you missed today, then. I lifted heavy things and sweated.’
‘Did it all go well?’
‘Yeah – we’ve got that one blockhouse up to scratch again, it’s just a question
of getting a cache established there. I’d say don’t drive them too hard to get
it done, because they’re giving their best and they’re tired.’ He started to
scrub his chest.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Allen, shaking his head and grinning, ‘I’m still absorbed by
the mental image of you  being all manly and sweaty and shirtless.’
‘You see,’ said Gaddes, wagging a finger at him, ‘this is what I mean about
liking a bit of rough. You’re a nice upper-class boy slumming it. You fancy a
burly labourer.’
‘Only if he’s you,’ Allen protested, ‘and I wouldn’t call you burly. That
sounds more sort of barrel-chested, not lean like you. And what about your
fancy? Is there such a thing as “a bit of smooth”?’
‘Ai have refained tastes,’ Gaddes said in a mock-posh voice, and laughed.
‘Aren’t you even curious about the box that’s come for you?’
‘I was so bewitched by the sight of you and your washcloth that I hadn’t given
it a second thought.’
‘Well, the crowbar’s right there, if you want to finish opening it up.’
‘Don’t you want me to wash your back?’
‘If you must.’ He pretended to be reluctant, while his eyes told another story.
‘I’ll be gentle,’ Allen promised, rubbing the washcloth over the soap, ‘because
you’ve caught the sun a bit on your shoulders.’
‘That’s why I wanted to use your soap, it’s nice and soft-feeling.’ Gaddes
closed his eyes, feeling pampered.
‘Glycerine,’ said Allen. ‘Oatmeal soap’s nice too, but it could be rough on
your poor shoulders. Have I told you how gorgeous I find your back? Your bronzy
muscles? You’re like a statue of a young athlete. If I were a sculptor, you’d
be all I’d do. I’d make your beautiful body immortal with art and people would
fall in love with you for hundreds of years.’ While one hand continued to bathe
Gaddes’ back, the other sneaked round his body to stroke his firm stomach and
play with the top button of his pants.
‘While telling themselves that of course it was strictly an aesthetic
appreciation.’
‘Oh yes,’ said Allen, laughing softly. ‘I’m beginning to think there’s no-one
so silly as over-educated people. No-one who annoys me as much. Pretentious
asses.’
‘I really, really think you should have a look in that box.’
‘Why? Aren’t we having a nice time here?’ Sponging away the last of the
soapsuds, he kissed the nape of Gaddes’ neck. ‘And you smell so good. Peach-
scented today.’
‘Even if you aren’t, I’m dying of curiosity.’
‘Well, if only to prevent your premature death, I’ll investigate,’ Allen said,
shaking his head and leaning past Gaddes to drop the cloth in the washbasin.
‘Dry yourself off, then.’ He went over to the crate and pried up the lid. ‘It’s
packed full of straw,’ he reported.
‘Fragile, maybe,’ suggested Gaddes, towelling his damp hair and coming over to
look.
Allen lifted out handfuls of straw, a look of puzzlement dawning on his face.
‘It feels cold,’ he said. ‘Goodness, under the straw there’s ice.  It’s a
little melted, but the straw must have kept it insulated all the way here. 
What would someone send me packed in ice? Was there any sender’s name on the
box?’ He peered at the sides of it.
‘Special delivery from Pallas, that’s all we know,’ said Gaddes, enjoying
himself hugely. Seeing this played out was just as much fun as he had
anticipated. He brought the large washtub over. ‘Here, heave that top slab in
here to melt.’
‘A box of slabs of ice,’ Allen marvelled, ‘around this middle box of tin.’ He
lifted the lid of the tin box and looked in. Gaddes did not bother with the
box, but stood by his side and watched his face. Allen blinked, as if in
surprise, and blushed just the tiniest bit, high on his cheekbones.
‘Someone,’ he said, ‘appears to have sent me a large quantity of grapes.’ He
looked up and caught sight of Gaddes’ grin. ‘And you knew about it! Was this
your doing?’
‘On my salary? Are you mental?’
Allen reached into the box and lifted out a loop-handled wicker basket, almost
overflowing with ripe, dewy fruit. He looked at Gaddes over his shoulder with
one eyebrow raised sardonically.
‘Grapes and peaches, Sergeant?’
‘And plums and cherries. But I swear it’s not me. Look, there’s a card on this
side.’
Allen unfolded the notelet of heavy, expensive-looking cream-coloured paper,
ornamented with a posy of violets on one corner.
‘Dear Allen,’ he read aloud, ‘I hope this letter finds you as it leaves me,
well and happy. With it you will find a little token of my esteem and gratitude
for all your recent kindness and hospitality. Please enjoy it and remember your
friend, Millerna Sara Aston.’
‘I knew there was a reason I liked that girl,’ said Gaddes happily.
‘You beast,’ said Allen, sounding enjoyably shocked. ‘You put her up to this,
didn’t you?’
‘Sending you a thank-you present was all her idea, but I might have made a
helpful suggestion about what you would like; your particular taste.’
‘She – she can’t possibly know what this means, can she?’ He looked flustered
at the thought.
‘Of course not. She’s my clueless catspaw.’
‘You beast,’ Allen said again, shaking his head delightedly. ‘Using an innocent
girl like that!’
‘I had to get you some grapes somehow. Just to see how you’d react. Want one?’
He reached around Allen to catch up a cluster of garnet-red grapes, their skins
clouded with a frosty bloom and dewdrops of condensation trickling over their
plumpness. He raised the bunch to dangle before Allen’s face, the lowermost
grape just tapping against his lips, then teasingly lifted it out of reach.
‘Oh, please,’ Allen murmured, closing his eyes and tilting back his head, his
lips parting hungrily. Gaddes lowered the grapes once again, letting that
single one touch the fulness of Allen’s lower lip and softly roll there; he
drew it up again, just very slightly. The pink tip of Allen’s tongue followed
the movement, brushing against the dewy grape, breaking the bead of moisture
that hung from its bottom. Gaddes watched him, riveted, barely breathing; he
heard a soft impatient moan, a wordless reproach of his cruelty in teasing. He
let Allen draw the grape down with his tongue, take it delicately between his
teeth, gently tug it free from the bunch and pop its sweetness in his mouth,
shivering with delight.
I’ve never seen anyone get so fired up just eating fruit. My God, look at him,
quivering and blushing… He found it intensely erotic just to watch, but the
compulsion to touch was growing. He let his free hand rest lightly on Allen’s
hip.
‘My wicked bronze Ganymede,’ Allen breathed. ‘My dream-love…’
‘I’m Ganymede?’
‘I’ve told you so… and this proves it…’
‘I think, then, I might just take my bunch of grapes and go on over to the bed.
Want to join me?’
‘Will we have time before dinner?’
‘Consider me your appetiser.’
 
There was only time for a brief, breathless, mutual release by hand, their
kisses flavoured with grape juice, before they had to get themselves in order
for dinner.
‘And after that, the things I’ll do to you…’ Gaddes murmured in Allen’s ear as
he helped him tie the sash-belt around his old moleskin trousers. He was out of
uniform for the evening, in his most relaxed state.
‘Don’t tell me now,’ Allen whispered back, ‘or I won’t have the heart to go
downstairs.’
‘Promise me to imagine. And later we’ll see how much you guessed.’
He was well satisfied with Allen’s dreamy, distracted demeanour throughout
dinner, and the short time they spent being sociable in the mess before
retiring. He’s thinking of me, dreaming of me, we’re already making love in his
mind. The anticipation was delicious. To draw it out a little longer (and for
eminently practical reasons, wishing to be discreet), he let Allen head up to
his room a good quarter of an hour before he went to join him. He filled in the
time beating Baile at dominoes, something he could do with only half his mind
on the job, and the other rehearsing all the variations of pleasure he and
Allen would move through tonight, probably starting with a shared sponge-bath,
according to tradition, but think of the possibilities tonight, particularly…
it might be nice to get thoroughly sticky and juice-stained before washing off.
At this point he realised Baile had just won a game.
‘Good God,’ he said, ‘I must be tired. Bed for me!’
‘Ah, no, come on Sarge, let me see if I can do it again!’
‘Couldn’t take the humiliation. G’night.’ He gave an exaggerated yawn and made
his way upstairs.
He found Allen sitting in one of the two chairs before the fireplace in his
room, looking meditatively into the grate. Although there was no real need for
a fire in this warm season, he had stood a line of candles along the hearth and
lit them just to have some friendly firelight. As soon as Gaddes entered the
room he realised the prevalent atmosphere was pensive, not passionate. It gave
him a twinge of disappointment to realise he’d misread Allen’s mood, but he
decided to go with the flow and see how things turned out. He closed the door
and took the other chair, stretching out his legs before him and glancing
towards Allen to make sure he was merely thoughtful and not tearful. He had
been seeming so happy lately that it would be a particular let-down to see him
drop into misery again. The basket of fruit stood on the little table between
the chairs; he could see a half-eaten peach in Allen’s hand. He casually took a
plum and buffed it against his shirt before taking a bite, glancing over again,
wondering if Allen would be the first to speak.
‘We’re very elegant,’ Allen said, after a moment, ‘having fresh fruit for
dessert. All we need now is a cheeseboard. Port and cigars to follow.’
‘Who says you can’t have refinement out in the swamps?’ Gaddes asked, relieved.
‘Always providing you know someone to send you regular supplies,’ Allen said,
thoughtfully taking another bite of his peach.
‘You don’t look all that happy for someone with friends in high places,’ Gaddes
observed. ‘What’s brought you down?’
‘I don’t know that I feel down exactly… I’ve just been thinking…’
‘A dangerous pastime.’
‘Danger is my middle name. I was lying about the Crusade bit,’ Allen said,
flashing him a brief smile. ‘I was just thinking about how nice it is to be
able to share a treat like this with you, and how many more nice things I wish
I could share and can’t, because of where we are.’
‘But all I want is you, and you’re right here.’
‘But you don’t know any better. We could have such lovely times if we were in
Pallas… I could take you everywhere, all the best places. I want to give you
dinner at the finest restaurants, and we’d walk under the stars on Marine
Parade… We could go to see Ganymede together, go to the theatre, the opera… the
opera is absolutely beautiful, Gaddes. I’ve been sitting here listening to
arias in my head.’ His eyes were wistful as he hummed a few notes. ‘You really
would love it. And you deserve it.’
‘Did Millerna’s visit remind you of all this? With all her chat about court and
society?’
‘I suppose it did. I hadn’t thought much about it for months. Not as something
in my world. Here… there are only poor bits and pieces… tunes in my head, and a
print from an illustrated paper.’ He held up the page with the reproduction of
Ganymede, which had been resting in his lap.
‘And you’re feeling dissatisfied with it all?’
‘Not for myself, for you.’
‘Heck, I grew up in Pallas, it never seemed that beautiful to me. Maybe I was
in the wrong part, of course.’ He finished sucking the plumstone clean, looked
at it thoughtfully for a moment and threw it into the grate.
‘I am… missing it all again… I suppose I am being selfish,’ Allen said sadly.
He traced the outline of the figure in the print with his forefinger. ‘I love
my Ganymede. I suppose I want to have my grapes and eat them too. Oops. Fruit
metaphor. I mean have it both ways; have you and have the beautiful world.’
‘Tell me what it would be like,’ Gaddes said, his head on one side,
quizzically.
‘I’ve told you about it lots of times.’
‘No, I mean – hold on.’ He hopped up and pushed the table out of the way, then
dragged his chair right over by Allen’s. ‘I’m going to give you a night at the
opera. Here we are – we’re up in one of those whatchamacallits, a box, with red
plush curtains and little gilt cherubs crawling all over everything and pillars
like golden ladies holding up the roof. Dressed in our best, I need hardly add.
Tell me all about it.’
‘All about it?’ repeated Allen, closing his eyes to see the mental image more
clearly. ‘Well, you are simply resplendent this evening. Everyone stared as we
came in.’
‘They were staring at you. I’m a nobody. You’re dressed entirely in the
darkest, softest black, and your hair shines like burnished gold, and your eyes
glow like stolen sapphires. But what’s it like where we are? Describe that.’
‘Well, we’re very comfortable,’ Allen said matter-of-factly, opening his eyes
and smiling. ‘We have a box all to ourselves, and opera-glasses, and a box of
chocolates, if you like.’
‘I do like. And outside our box? No, wait. I’ll have a go. See if I get it
right from all the stuff you’ve told me.’ He paused, ordering his thoughts,
unconsciously dropping into a storytelling voice.
‘The house is filling up. People are taking their seats, and there’s a great
buzz of conversation. Everyone is looking around to see who’s here, commenting
on each other’s clothes and company. Everything is lit by great chandeliers,
crystal prisms glinting and glowing with the light of thousands of candles. The
light shines on the rich velvets and silks of the audience’s clothes, on the
snow-white of their broad lace collars, the pearls in the ladies’ glossy hair
and the feathers on their fans. The famous courtesans wear black velvet masks,
and so do respectable ladies who want anonymity. The great proscenium arch is
still veiled by the curtains, and the orchestra are making peculiar tuning-up
noises.’
‘You’re so good at describing things – I could almost think you’d seen it.’
‘Thank you, sweetie. Now, what play are we here to see?’
‘Oh, no-one comes to see the opera. They come to see each other. The opera
plays in the background and they all say afterwards how beautiful it was. But
if you really care to know, it’s Il Pensiero della Gettura, a great tragic
love-story. If you talk during Meifia’s solo in the third act, my revenge will
be terrible.’
‘And it’s in Foreign?’
‘Oh, it has to be, it wouldn’t be opera if you could understand it.’ Allen was
still smiling, enjoying spinning the spell. ‘Now sshh! The house lights are
going down. The buzz of conversation is dying to a murmur. The overture is
beginning.’
‘Ah, I know this - it’s like a free sample of the music to come, right?’
‘While they play it everyone settles down and gets ready to pretend to pay
attention.’
‘You’re so sarcastic about this.’ The corner of Gaddes’ mouth quirked with
amusement.
‘Only because when I first went to the opera, I was absolutely enchanted, and
afterwards I was appalled to realise I was almost the only one.’
‘I can imagine you being enchanted.’
‘Yes, little round-faced fifteen-year-old me, listening with my eyes wide open
and my mouth half open too, as if I could take in more of the music that way.
It was L’Appeso that night and I cried at the end. The party of fashionable
young people I was with laughed me to scorn.’
‘Prats. You must’ve been so cute.’ Gaddes put his hand over Allen’s, resting on
the arm of the chair, giving it a little squeeze. On a whim, he lifted it to
his lips and kissed the backs of Allen’s fingers, ungloved tonight.
‘Don’t do that!’ Allen whispered, tugging his hand away. ‘We’re in a public
place! That definitely didn’t look innocent.’
‘Oh, come on. Here in our nice shadowy box? Who would’ve noticed us?’
‘You said they were all staring at us.’
‘They stared at you as we went in at the front of the building. No-one knows
where you’re sitting now. We have the curtains half closed, so only someone
right opposite us could see in. Relax, sweetie. Have a grape.’
‘Don’t be wicked. The curtain is going up, anyway. Here comes the chorus to
sing us into the story.’ Allen closed his eyes again, humming softly.
‘I wish I could hear the music you’re hearing.’
‘They’re in exceptionally good voice tonight.’
‘You really love this, don’t you? You don’t need to say anything; I can see it.
You’re leaning forward to watch, with your eyes so bright and soft… I’m afraid
an uncultured type like me can’t properly appreciate it. All I see is how
beautiful you are enjoying it. I’ll watch you listening. So beautiful.’ He
reached over and touched Allen’s hair, softly brushing a strand back behind his
ear, and running his fingertips down along his jawline.
‘You’re very badly behaved,’ Allen reproved him, quelling a smile. ‘I take you
to a nice place like this and all you can do is paw me.’
‘Can’t help myself.’ His hand casually dropped to Allen’s knee, resting just
above and then stroking upward. ‘Come on, sweetie – uncross your legs.’
‘Stop it,’ said Allen, biting his lip and trying to sound severe. ‘This is no
way to behave.’
‘No-one can see… this is all under the edge of the front of the box… ah, that’s
right…’ His fingers brushed Allen’s upper thigh, gently nudging down between
his legs to stroke the warm inner surface, stealing upward to stroke and cup
his sleeping softness, feeling the beginning of a stirring.
‘You really are awful.’
‘No-one’s looking, I promise you. All eyes on the stage. Just you keep your
eyes there too. Oh, yes… you can’t pretend, you love me touching you like this.
And you did say you wanted me and your beautiful world.’
‘I – I hadn’t thought of putting them together in quite this way.’ Allen was
doing his best to obey his lover’s instructions, keeping his eyes fixed ahead
on the fireplace, imagining it as the proscenium arch, imagining the line of
candles as the footlights, while the warm pulse in his groin deepened as his
cock stiffened under Gaddes’ touch.
‘Love how you’re blushing.’ You really are totally giving yourself to this
fantasy.
‘You’re putting me in a very awkward position.’
‘I’m not… you’re sitting comfortably… though you might not be comfortable bound
up in these pants. Ready to let it out?’
‘Samivel Gaddes, I can not get the Alicorn out in Box Four of the Royal Opera
House, Pallas, Asturia. It is simply not done.’
‘Oh, go on. You’re going to burst your buttons soon anyway. Save me sewing them
back on.’
‘What are you, my valet?’
‘Of course, in civvy street.’
‘You are not an obedient servant.’ Giving in, Allen unbuttoned his fly, easing
himself free of moleskins and undershorts. He caught his breath and closed his
eyes once more as Gaddes’ warm hand enclosed his pulsing shaft, pulling every
nerve tight with a slow downward stroke, then gently dragging up to the end to
roll his thumb over the tip, drawing out a glistening bead of fluid.
‘Ohh…’
‘What’s going on on stage?’ Gaddes asked him mischievously.
‘Beast, you know I have no idea.’
‘I thought you were paying attention,’ he said reproachfully.
‘How can I pay attention to anything but where your hand is going?’ He shifted
his hips, awkwardly. ‘Stroke… stroke me faster… oh… oh yes…’
‘I dunno, here I thought I was coming to the opera with someone who could tell
me what was going on, who the people were, what the funny words mean… all he
wants is his cock pulled.’ His touch was much more co-operative than his words.
‘You started it,’ Allen said breathlessly. ‘Mi hai fatto duro.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Funny foreign words,’ he explained with a brief smile. ‘You made me hard. Oh…
Gaddes… Oh no, no no no, you can’t…’
‘But I am,’ said Gaddes, on his knees before Allen’s chair.
‘Everyone will see you!’
‘No-one’ll see me.’
‘Everyone will notice they can’t see you!’
‘Lift your hips, sweetie, I want to get your pants down.’
‘We just can’t,’ whimpered Allen, doing as he was told, feeling the heavy folds
of fabric slide inexorably down over his tense thighs.
‘I wonder if that nice red plush seat has had a boy’s bare ass on it before?’
‘This is such a terrible thing to do…’ He felt Gaddes’ breath on his skin,
reached for his head, unsure whether he meant to push it down or away as his
fingers spread amid his hair.
‘Just keep your eyes on the stage and I swear no-one will know.’ In one smooth
movement, Gaddes pushed Allen’s thighs apart and took the tip of his cock in
his mouth, hands on his hips to hold them still as they juddered with ecstasy.
He felt Allen make up his mind in no uncertain terms and bear his head firmly
down, forcing himself almost into Gaddes’ throat. A choking moan rose up in him
as he sucked the hot shaft, his senses filled to the point of dizziness with
Allen’s taste, Allen’s scent.
*** I want you I want you I want you… He felt the blood hot in his face as he
slowly, softly scraped his lower teeth up the underside of Allen’s cock, making
him cry out at the sharp pleasure, and with some amusement hearing him bite off
the cry as if afraid of being heard. He was still mentally in the opera house;
they had never worried about anyone hearing them in this room. ***
So I’m not kneeling on the hard board floor feeling like my old grey pants are
too tight while I suck a beautiful boy’s dick, I’m kneeling on a thick red
carpet feeling like my Sunday best pants are too tight while I suck a beautiful
boy’s dick. Makes all the difference. He applied the tip of his tongue to
Allen’s favourite place, the deeply sensitive spot just below the head of his
cock, and worked it back and forth with increasing pressure, the pull of his
suction growing stronger and stronger as his hand worked up and down the thick
shaft, wet with his saliva.
Allen felt himself lost in a dark swirl of guilty bliss, the sweet song in his
mind’s ear almost drowned out by his ragged breathing and the soft wet sounds
of Gaddes’ mouth working on his throbbing erection. He had never felt quite so
naughty in his life; the mere idea of this transgression was making him feel
like the dirtiest little libertine in the world and he loved it. Helpless, he
leaned back in his chair, panting, moaning, his thighs trembling convulsively
with the tension, the pressure of his arousal. His blood seemed to turn to
liquid fire, red-gold like the sunlight seen through closed eyelids, heat and
light seeping through to a pulsing centre deep in his groin. He knew what he
was going to do and was ashamed, but the shame was part of the pleasure as all
his sensation built to break in a sunburst of shattering radiance.
As Allen cried out, a full-throated shout of joy, Gaddes felt his mouth filled
with thick salt wetness.
Oh God… Allen… He swallowed, gasping, and pulled back, dropping his head in
Allen’s lap, sinking into a little pause during which they both tried to catch
their breath. He could hear the little whimpering sighs that meant Allen was
completely out of it, drifting for the moment among warm rosy clouds of bliss.
Gaddes levered himself up on his arms and returned to his own seat, gazing at
the dishevelled beauty by his side. Allen had more or less collapsed, his head
hanging back and his eyes closed, lashes resting on flushed cheeks as he
breathed his way back to reality.
‘How was that?’
‘S… silly question,’ Allen said weakly. ‘Oh, Gaddes…’
‘You’re welcome,’ he said, smiling. ‘So what’s going on on stage?’
With a little sputter of laughter, Allen gave him a light cuff across the
shoulder. ‘I can’t be expected to know. Operatic business. People sighing and
singing and dying and what not. O, ti amo, o, non lasciami and so forth.’
‘Oh what?’
‘Oh, I love you, oh, don’t leave me,’ Allen translated with a flourishing
gesture.
‘How would I say “come and sit in my lap”?’
‘I haven’t the faintest idea.’
‘I’ll just have to use the vernacular then. Come here, sweetie. I need a kiss.’
With Allen straddling his lap he had all the kisses he could wish for.
‘I love you, Gaddes.’
‘Love you… touch me.’ As Allen popped his fly buttons he fumbled in his pocket
for the small tube of lubricant he’d taken to carrying; it had been a thrill in
itself to realise that he needed to be prepared for any moment.
‘Should I anoint the gentleman’s head?’
‘Anoint away, my darling.’
‘You always give such a nice little grunt the first time I touch you – unh,
like that. I love that sound because I know I’m pleasing you.’ Allen moved his
hands slowly, controlling the sweet slippery caresses he gave.
‘Like your little purr. How do you do that? I can only hear it if I’m kissing
you when you do it.’
‘I don’t know. When I feel like that it just happens.’ He kissed Gaddes softly,
flicking his tongue against his lips. ‘See? Can’t do it if I try to. I could go
rrrrr-rr – but it’s not the same, is it?’
‘Rrr-rrrrrr.’ In Gaddes’ throat it was more of a growl than a purr. His heart
seemed to be beating in his cock; mindless pleasure and appetite pulsing
together between Allen’s warm palms. He had a way of taking both hands to hold
him that made Gaddes feel huge, innocent loving flattery.
‘Are you all grunts and growls tonight? What an animal. I can’t take you
anywhere.’
‘I can take you, if you’ll let me.’ He eased his hands over Allen’s hips,
squeezing his buttocks together, then spreading them apart.
‘You know I’ll let you. You’ve debauched me that much. Can’t believe I’m going
to let you do that to me, here, now…’ Allen closed his eyes, drawing his breath
in sharply between set teeth as Gaddes’ middle fingertip rubbed over his
perineum and lightly probed the taut opening beyond. ‘Oh God – Gaddes – if you
do that…’
‘If I do that, what?’
‘You know I can’t keep quiet. Someone’s going to hear. We’re going to be in so-
o much trouble. Aah!’
‘You like two fingers, don’t you?’
Allen whimpered an affirmative, pushing against Gaddes’ exploration. He gently
flexed his fingers inside, trying to find the spot that would take such ecstasy
from pressure.
‘There you are… what is that, d’you think?’
‘I – I don’t know – rub it…’ Allen had braced himself, clinging to Gaddes’
shoulders, his breath puffing against his neck in erratic bursts as he fought
for self-control. ‘Nnnhh… nnnnnh… ah… aah! Oh God, oh God…’
‘What would that be in opera talk?’
‘I don’t know, damn you. I – Dio mio? O Dio?’
‘You’re in very good voice tonight.’
‘You’re awful,’ Allen moaned, with a kind of despairing laugh. ‘Molto cattivo.
È troppo pericoloso!’
‘Sorry, sweetie, haven’t a clue what you’re saying – I just think it sounds
lovely.’
Allen bit him lightly on the shoulder, and he gave him a little smack on the
bottom with his free hand.
‘Oh, please, please… per favore, per piacere, fallo adesso.’
Even without knowing the words Gaddes understood his tone perfectly. Pulling
his fingers free, one hand pushing Allen’s hips down, the other guiding his
eager cock, he entered him, groaning aloud at the feeling of tight heat
enveloping him, making his heart skip and quiver in place. They were very still
for a moment, pressed close together, their breathing thunderous in their ears.
‘When did – when did you have time to get it up again?’ Gaddes murmured,
vaguely bemused as he gazed into Allen’s lap. Without answering, Allen took his
right hand and guided it to wrap around his reviving cock, pressing a soft,
warm kiss on his lips, a kiss with a trembling purr in it.
‘Fammi godere, caro, bello, carissimo,’ he whispered. A hiss escaped his lips
as Gaddes moved his hips, a sharp intake of breath escalating to a gasp on the
next stroke.
‘Più forte…’
‘Hnh?’
‘Harder!’
‘Oh.’ He thrust upward, losing himself in the rough rhythm of it, half-hearing
Allen urging him on, più forte, su! O Dio, ti amo, as he rode him, the hot
thighs either side of Gaddes’ body straining to lift him up and drive him down.
This was perfect, this was bliss, this got better with every second, pumping
and panting as he slid down in the chair, fierce boiling pleasure making him
growl again, making him the animal Allen had called him, burning away every
conscious thought but the feeling of joy and love. He came in a moment of
perfect abandon, calling Allen’s name.
For a long time he was mindless, drifting in blissful darkness with little
shudders of delight still chasing each other through his body. Allen was heavy
upon him, his rapid breathing gently slowing to a calmer rate. He felt a kiss
next to his ear and surfaced, opening his eyes and smiling hazily.
‘Ti amo,’ Allen said, kissing his lips.
‘Ti amo more.’ Although he felt quite exhausted, Gaddes raised his arms to wrap
around Allen’s body, hugging him close. He let his eyes fall shut again,
peacefully, as Allen returned the embrace, resting his head on his shoulder.
‘Liar,’ Allen whispered. ‘You can’t.’ He kissed Gaddes’ neck, just by his ear,
again. ‘That was so very, very lovely.’
‘You know, for the last couple of minutes no-one in the opera house has been
able to hear anything but you.’
Allen giggled and smacked his shoulder weakly. ‘I blame you entirely. You’re
corrupting me so much. I already had a problem with grapes. Now I can’t think
of maths or opera without having wicked thoughts.’
‘I love your wicked thoughts.’
‘I rather like them too.’ Another sleepy kiss. Allen sat up now, gingerly
easing himself off Gaddes’ softening shaft and settling again in his lap. He
looked at his lover appraisingly for a moment, then leaned over to the basket
of fruit on the table.
‘There we are,’ he said, hooking a pair of cherries, their stems joined, over
Gaddes’ left ear. ‘Cherry earrings. I knew they would suit you.’
‘Thank you.’ Gaddes kissed his hand.
‘I wonder how long before they break down the door of the box to cart us off
for gross perversion?’
‘They’re all just jealous of me getting to make love to you. Everyone down
there is wishing they were one of us.’
‘So do we get off scot-free?’ Allen smiled. ‘Lucky, lucky us. I’ve spoiled your
good suit, though. All sweaty and rumpled and a great creamy stain on your
doublet.’
‘Stuff it, let the rental people worry about it,’ Gaddes said, grinning.
‘Rental!? I bought you that suit, you ungrateful wretch, we went to the best
tailor in Pallas.’
‘The one you don’t pay?’
‘He considers it a privilege to get to dress us.’
‘Maybe he could run you up a few pairs of pretty pink princess panties.’
‘How did you guess?’ Allen nuzzled him affectionately. ‘Come on, don’t doze off
yet. You’ll wake up feeling like a cripple if you sleep in this chair, and
anyway I want you to stay awake and play.’
‘Did you have oysters for lunch, young man?’
‘No, silly, I had grapes. You know what they do to me.’
‘I certainly do now.’ He tried to pull himself into a more upright sitting
position. ‘How do you know all that foreign language, anyway?’
‘Marlene was learning it,’ Allen explained. ‘I used to help her study
sometimes, and I picked up bits and pieces.’
‘Allen,’ said Gaddes, a little severely, ‘is this where that doing-homework-
together-rewarding-with-a-kiss thing comes from?’
‘Oh no. I wasn’t nearly as adventurous then, you know. I thought of that just
with you, although I suppose that might have been a foundation for the idea.
And I never did learn the language properly, only enough to say a few simple
things and sometimes understand the titles of the operas and songs. I was very
surprised at how well I managed just now. I didn’t know I had the vocabulary
for such things.’
‘You must have been inspired. You get a kiss on the nose for that.’
‘Silly.’
‘Little darling.’
‘I have a plan,’ said Allen. ‘I’m going to eat your earrings, and then we’re
going to have a lovely bath.’
‘How can I say no to a plan like that?’
 
The bath took a little time to arrange, as they had to make a proper fire and
heat water in a kettle over it. Very economically, the meltwater from the ice
that had chilled Millerna’s present was being added to the bathwater.
‘I do not want a cold bath tonight,’ said Allen, poking at the fire, ‘not the
way I’m feeling.’
‘The way you’re feeling is positively alarming,’ said Gaddes. He was having a
preliminary scrub with such water as was available, making sure he was ‘decent’
by his own standards. He never felt quite right about exposing Allen to the
muckier side of the aftermath of their lovemaking, and tried to take care of
those matters himself. It wasn’t that Allen seemed to mind, just that it didn’t
seem fitting to Gaddes. By contrast, when the usual roles had been reversed, he
felt it was his responsibility to bathe Allen, since he was the one who had got
him dirty.
‘Do my rampant passions shock you?’ Allen asked, and laughed. He was feeling
very light and free and happy, somehow, almost light-headed with the continuing
sense of his own naughtiness. He wasn’t entirely sure why he felt it so
strongly tonight but it was very enjoyable. Here am I, in just my shirt, my
bottom bare, I feel like – there ought to be a boy version of ‘courtesan.’ I
feel so beautiful and wicked and voluptuous. I’m sore, but I want so much more
tonight.
‘You are thoroughly oversexed,’ Gaddes told him, wagging a finger at him with
mock sternness.
‘Your fault,’ Allen teased him, sticking out his tongue impudently.
‘I know, and don’t I love it!’
The large kettle boiled, and Allen wrapped a cloth around his hand to take it
from the grate, pouring the steaming water into the large tin tub, where it
swiftly put paid to the last remnants of the ice.
‘I wish I had a bath large enough for you and I to sit in together.’
‘That’s what Sweetheart Springs is for.’
‘No, that’s too big. I want just an ordinary bathroom bath, that we could fill
up with bubbles and slosh water over the sides of when we made love.’
‘They’re over-rated, sweetie. When you’ve banged your knees and your bum
against the hard enamel a few times you know why.’ Gaddes dipped a fingertip in
the tub, drew it back with a yelp, and poured in some more cold from the large
water jar.
‘Do you need me to suck your poor finger?’ Allen said, taking his hand with a
mischievous smile.
‘Come here, you little…’ Gaddes wrestled him down, gasping with laughter, and
kissed him firmly, pinned to the floor where he had spread a towel.
‘Love you…’ Allen whispered, wrapping his arms around Gaddes’ neck and his legs
around his hips, trying to draw his body down on top of him.
‘Love you too… but let me up, I want to undress you and give you your bath.’
‘I just lie here?’
‘You just lie there. Sponge-bath. I am hoping this will calm you down a
little.’ He started to unbutton Allen’s shirt, and ease his arms out from the
sleeves.
‘I’m hoping it will fire you up,’ Allen replied cheekily. ‘You can’t have had
enough already.’
‘I’d say I have, except with you I never know, do I?’ Gaddes guided him to sit
up for a moment so he could pull the discarded shirt out from under him. ‘I
think I’m completely spent and then you give me one of your flirty looks or
touch me just so and suddenly I find I’m all ready for another go. I don’t know
how you do it.’
‘I’m magic, of course,’ said Allen. ‘Take off your clothes too. You don’t want
them to get all wet. You’ve got a funny thing about keeping your clothes on,
you know. Sometimes even when we have lots of time and opportunity to undress
all the way you don’t want to. And you pulled your pants back up again, just
now.’
‘Can’t really explain why I like it,’ Gaddes said, shrugging as he pulled his
shirt, loosened at the neck, off over his head and tossed it away. ‘There are
just times when it’s fun to go for it without waiting to get undressed. Well,
and also I’ve never mastered the art of taking off my clothes without feeling a
bit awkward and dumb. Like now. Socks. There is no way known to man of taking
off a pair of socks and looking good.’ He had sat down on the floor in his
underwear to do it.
‘You look wonderful to me,’ Allen said softly. There was no light in the room
but what came from the fireplace, red-gold light that made Gaddes’ olive skin
look coppery, flickering light that licked over his body lovingly and made his
eyes look thrillingly dark and warm.
‘I never really know when it’s the right time to take off what,’ Gaddes was
complaining, wadding his socks into a ball. ‘Then I leave it too late and have
to scramble out of my pants in a hurry feeling like a twit.’
‘Oh, shut up,’ said Allen fondly. ‘I said you look wonderful. And you know you
do.’
Surprised, Gaddes looked at him properly, took in the dreamy gaze from blue
eyes made violet by firelight.
‘Well,’ he said slowly, feeling a little foolish even while his heart warmed,
‘I certainly feel wonderful when you look at me like that.’ All he had left on
now were his shorts; he got to his feet and let those drop to the floor,
looking down to where Allen lay with his hair in softly shining disarray, rich
gold spread over white towelling and dark floorboards.
‘Perfect,’ said Allen. ‘And now you may bathe me.’
‘Always so bossy,’ said Gaddes fondly, dipping the sponge in the water and
pressing it to Allen’s chest, sending warm rivulets trickling over his skin.
‘Well, I am your Boss.’ Allen closed his eyes at the touch of the water, a soft
little smile curling the corners of his mouth, and stretched his arms over his
head, dreamy and languid. He felt his body relax completely as the gentle
sponge-bath went on; the scent of peaches from the soap reached him, sweet and
fuzzy.
‘You are calming down after all,’ Gaddes murmured. ‘Sure you’re not asleep?’
‘I’m sure. I’ve just gone all dreamy and floppy.’
‘Even here. I think it’s exhausted after that astonishing recovery earlier.’
‘You shouldn’t make fun of that.’
‘I’m not, I was impressed! Need you to roll over now, sweetie, I’m going to
wash your back.’
‘This is so nice,’ Allen sighed, turning onto his stomach and sweeping his hair
over his shoulder, out of the way. ‘I feel very loved. No, very beloved.’
‘You should. You are.’ Gaddes kissed the nape of his neck as he swept the
sponge down the curve of his spine and over the rise of his buttocks. ‘You are
my precious treasure, my golden peach of a boy. You make me feel so very very
lucky.’
Allen wriggled his shoulders under the caress, with a little squirm of drowsy
pleasure. ‘I’m purring,’ he said, ‘just so you know.’
‘Don’t fall asleep before my turn. I expect to be just as spoiled as you.’
Allen turned over again, sitting up to kiss Gaddes. ‘Is my darling feeling
neglected? Is it a thankless task spoiling me?’
‘No, no no no. I didn’t mean it to sound like that. Lie back down, I’m not
finished.’
‘But I’m kissing you now, sweetie, I like that too. Here, give me the sponge.’
He stroked soft lather onto Gaddes’ chest, squeezing the sponge to send
trickles of water down over his belly and into his groin, dripping white suds
into dark hair.
‘If you insist.’ Gaddes pulled him closer, and Allen hitched himself over the
floor to sit in the vee of Gaddes’ thighs, his legs loosely wrapped round his
body as he bathed his chest and stomach. Their lips met in soft, lazy kisses,
Gaddes’ hands slowly stroking Allen’s back and shoulders.
‘Lucky me, getting to wash your back twice in one day.’ He moved the sponge to
the back of Gaddes’ neck.
‘I’ll have the world’s cleanest back. Ooh – tickles.’
‘How can water tickle?’
‘It does. I have a ticklish back. Oi! Careful! You’re doing it on purpose now.’
He squeezed Allen’s shoulders warningly, a soft bubble of laughter rising in
his throat.
‘I’m incorrigible.’ Allen ran his fingertips down Gaddes’ spine and back up
again, humming a descending note and then an ascending one.
‘I’ve always tried to incorrige you.’ Gaddes arched his back involuntarily,
with a little shiver, his head tilting back; Allen kissed the bump of his
adam’s apple, the dent at the base of his throat.
‘You’re a very silly man.’ He felt Gaddes’ hand behind his head, guiding him in
for a deeper kiss, tongue gently probing, seeking his response. He sighed,
nestling closer, kissing back with all his heart. He felt Gaddes’ nails softly
dragged down his back, making his skin tingle and prickle, drawing a smothered
moan from his throat.
He drew back, pressing his finger to Gaddes’ lips. ‘Calm down.’
‘We’ve gotten turned round. That was my line.’
‘Well, you’ve convinced me. Let me finish your bath. And I’ll make us both a
nice cup of tea, and we can snuggle down in bed and talk and kiss and pet.’
‘Making me wait?’
‘Now now. You had it all your way before. Turnabout is fair play. And you like
it really.’
‘I just like you.’ He let himself be bathed, towel-dried, guided to the bed
where he lay and watched Allen move before the fire, brewing the tea.
‘You really are so beautiful,’ he called softly across the room. Allen smiled
at him over his shoulder, rosy in the firelight, but didn’t answer.
‘Bring the fruit over when you come back, I’m peckish again.’
‘What do you think of me with cherry earrings?’ Allen held up a pair to his
ear.
‘Very sweet. You should decorate yourself with fruit more often. You look like
a Solstice tree.’
Allen stuck his tongue out at him, hooking the cherries into place, and hunted
for another linked pair for his other ear. ‘I’ll write a very heartfelt note of
thanks to Millerna for these,’ he said. ‘What a shame she can’t know what a
heavenly evening she’s given us.’
‘With assistance from her common friend Mr S. Gaddes. You know that? I’m
officially her friend. She considers me worthy.’
‘Lucky old you!’
‘Told me all about her plans for the future. She’s going to be a doctor, you
know.’
‘Funny little thing,’ said Allen, laughing.
‘Don’t you think she could?’ Gaddes asked, a little surprised.
‘She’s not going to be a doctor,’ said Allen. ‘I’m sure it seems like a
delightful idea to her now, very romantic, but when she’s grown up a little and
realised what sort of work it means, I assure you she’ll think no more of it.
It’s no career for a lady, and she’ll see that.’
Gaddes was not convinced of that, but didn’t feel like arguing at a time like
this. It was odd even to think about Millerna at the moment; he nudged away a
memory of her earnest little face under the stairwell lamplight. Her plans
hadn’t seemed like the sort of whims a child grew out of. But the thought of
that could certainly not compete with the present reality, with the flickering
play of shadow and light on the contours of Allen’s body and the soft sound of
his voice as he half-hummed, half-sang to himself while he waited for the tea
to steep.
‘Do you really wish you were in Pallas town?’ Gaddes asked, catching the tune.
‘Not tonight,’ Allen assured him. ‘Funny, really – that song only makes me
think of you and I sitting on the roof together. I was singing it thinking of
how content I am to be here.’ He started to pour a cup.
‘None for me,’ said Gaddes.
‘Are you sure? It’s that jasmine tea that you like.’
‘I’ll have a sip of yours. I don’t want a whole cup.’
Allen brought his teacup and the fruit basket over to the bed, leaving them on
the nightstand, and curled up next to Gaddes, his head nestling against his
shoulder.
‘You’ll squash your earrings on me,’ Gaddes said, playing with the cherry
resting against Allen’s cheek.
‘A little bit of juice won’t hurt you,’ said Allen, smiling. He seemed to get
an idea from that; he removed one ‘earring,’ bit a cherry in half, and drew a
red heart on Gaddes’ chest with the juice.
‘Messy boy – and after you just got me clean.’
‘I can clean you up again,’ Allen said, bending his head to lick the juice
away, feeling a little spark of satisfaction at the sigh of pleasure he drew
from Gaddes. Swallowing the last trace, he sat up just to look at him, pulling
down the covers to enjoy the view, and got a new idea.
‘Why didn’t I think of it before?’
‘Think of what?’ Gaddes asked. Allen reached over him to the basket, taking a
large bunch of green-gold grapes, and laid them in his lap, draping them to
trail down between his thighs.
‘Ganymede,’ he said, laughing softly. ‘Why didn’t I think of making my dream
come true?’
‘You’re going to eat grapes out of my lap?’
‘If you’re willing.’ Allen gave him a hesitant glance, uncertain for a moment.
Perhaps it was too strange an idea. Gaddes liked him to take the lead
sometimes, and he enjoyed it, but he wasn’t always confident that his desires
were – well, normal was not the word, but acceptable.
‘I’m more than willing. I would’ve suggested it except I thought you might have
gone off the idea. What should I do? To be like your dream-boy?’
‘Well, you…’ Allen glanced down for a moment, blushing. ‘You just lie there,
really – but you talk to me – you ask me to touch you, and you, um, you put the
first grape in my mouth.’
‘Like this?’
‘Mm…’
‘Then touch me, Allen.’
‘Ally.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Um – when I was younger, sometimes I was called Ally, short for Allen, and –
and I was Ally in that dream.’ He was surprised at himself for saying it; he
had never meant to bring it up, but somehow the name had popped out.
‘Really?’ A smile spread on Gaddes’ face. ‘I never thought of doing that with
your name. It’s so cute. Why didn’t you tell me you’d like to be called that?’
‘I – well, it’s babyish, and I haven’t been Ally for years, and…’
‘You can be Ally with me.’ Gaddes touched his cheek, softly grazing his fingers
over the skin, over the trace of cherry juice staining his lips and chin.
‘I – I always feel that I am Ally with you. Ally is – is someone safe, and
loved…’
‘And a little bit naughty?’
‘Tremendously naughty, I’m afraid. He didn’t use to be, but he’s grown that way
as I’ve grown older.’ I didn’t expect to feel so embarrassed! But I don’t think
he minds. I think he even possibly likes it.
‘So it’s Allen who takes care of business, and Ally who kisses me?’ Gaddes was
rolling a grape between his thumb and forefinger; the movement seemed hypnotic
to Allen.
‘Um – yes.’
‘And it’s Ally who has the wicked thoughts, and wet dreams?’ The grape broke
free from the stem.
‘Yes…’
‘I’m very fond of Ally.’ The grape touched Allen’s lips, the broken skin where
it had been attached to the stem letting a trace of juice drip into his mouth.
He sucked at its smoothness, closing his eyes, feeling a deep, tightening
tingle of arousal in his groin. The skin burst; juice flooded his tongue and he
softly moaned.
‘Touch me, Ally… taste me.’
Talk about tease, Gaddes thought as he watched the golden head descend between
his legs to browse on the grapes. He felt the warmth and moisture of Allen’s
close breathing; he felt the little nudging touches of the grapes as they were
disturbed by Allen’s lips as he fed; but there was no direct touching, no kiss
on his skin. The bunch began to slip down between his thighs; Allen made a
little complaining noise, and he reached down to hold it steady, letting the
fingers of his other hand stray amid Allen’s silky hair. With an amorous little
sigh, Allen gently pushed his thighs further apart, giving himself better
access, nuzzling closer and stroking the taut muscle under his hands. The bunch
of grapes was first peaked, then divided in the middle by the rising mass of
Gaddes’ erection, feeling harder, hotter, with every beat of his heart. The
teasing went on, since Allen ignored it entirely and continued to nibble around
the base of it, apparently thinking of nothing but the grapes.
‘Does that taste good, Ally?’
‘Mmmm…’
‘You know you’re making me feel very good.’
‘Mm.’ Juice warmed in Allen’s mouth dripped on his balls, and he caught his
breath sharply.
‘Oh, God… can’t you guess what I want you to do?’
‘Hmm?’ There was a tremor of laughter in the sound, an arch little tone that
told him he was being toyed with.
‘You know.’
‘Mm-mm.’ A playful denial.
‘You do!’
Allen raised his head a moment. ‘You know I have to eat all the grapes,’ he
said, smiling, and calmly returned to his feast; though perhaps calmly was not
the word, given how hard he was beginning to breathe.
‘You little…’ Catching hold of the stem, Gaddes pulled the grapes up onto his
belly; Allen simply followed and continued there.
‘Okay, I know when I’m beaten.’ He pushed them back down and tried to make
himself patient, but as the number of grapes decreased the naked stems were
tickling him; still Allen dripped juice over his skin, and the tantalising
effect was almost unbearable.
‘Lucky last,’ Allen whispered, and swallowed, trembling.
‘Yes. Yes, now…’ He whimpered with frustration as Allen dotted a row of kisses
along the fold of his groin, to the left, then the right, little sucking love-
bites, nuzzling into his dark curls, licking up droplets of grape juice,
everywhere but dead centre where he wanted it. He pushed the skeleton of the
bunch away impatiently.
‘Oh please, please… Allen, Ally, don’t tease me like this!’ With his hand on
Allen’s head, he tried to push him into place and met firm, implacable
resistance.
‘I’m begging you!’
Wet heat met the base of his cock, spread and pressed and moved; he arched his
back and cried out, his limbs trembling, as Allen’s tongue licked up the entire
length of his erection, reached the tip, and was gone.
‘Don’t stop!’
‘Just be patient a moment,’ Allen said, leaning over him and reaching for his
cup. ‘Don’t you find there’s something in grape skins that makes you thirsty? I
just need a sip.’ He sat back on his heels, his eyes smiling at Gaddes over the
rim of the cup.
‘You little demon,’ Gaddes said weakly.
‘All right. I haven’t the stomach to be mean to you for that long.’ Still
playful, he leaned on his elbow and dropped a kiss on the aching tip of Gaddes’
cock, then dropped back to take another sip of tea, his eyes dancing.
‘I’m dying.’ Gaddes closed his eyes, gripping bunched handfuls of the quilt
beneath him. When he felt Allen’s breath on his skin he thought it would be
another tease, and his heart almost burst as he was engulfed in pulling heat.
Allen drew back, startled at the way he had yelled. ‘Are you all right? I
didn’t hurt you, did I?’
‘What the hell did you do? Your mouth’s so hot!’
‘I – I suppose it’s the tea, I just…’
‘Do you have any left?’
‘Um – yes…’
‘Do it again!’
Allen obeyed, enveloping him in liquid fire, grabbing him with both hands as
his hips bucked upward. As he sucked harder, one hand let go; a moment later
Gaddes felt pressure, penetration, fingers stretching deep inside. He called
out, wordlessly; the teacup had fallen over on the bed and he could feel
wetness soaking through the sheets; his hips were jerking uncontrollably; he
could feel Allen moaning as he took him deeper in; fingers moving, probing,
sliding, rubbing him into a frenzy that peaked as he came full in Allen’s
mouth.
Oh God… oh God… God. As his dizziness cleared, he could feel Allen gently
finishing him, licking him clean. Releasing Gaddes from his mouth, he crawled
up over his body to lower himself on top of him, an exhausted embrace.
‘That was quicker than usual for you,’ he murmured.
‘Sorry,’ Gaddes mumbled.
‘Why? I think it’s nice that it was so good for you. Wasn’t it?’
‘Unbelievable.’ He kissed Allen’s shoulder, stroking his hair.
‘And you’ve never gone off in my mouth like that.’
‘I didn’t mean to.’
‘But you let me do it all the time. I was wondering why you didn’t, if I wasn’t
very good at pleasing you that way. If I am, I’m very happy.’ He rolled
slightly to one side, nestling beside Gaddes in his accustomed position.
‘Really? Hm. Serves me right for trying to be a gentleman.’ He shifted a
little, dreamily, getting comfortably settled down, before a thought occurred
to him. ‘Wait, though, you haven’t had your fair share.’ He slipped his hand
between Allen’s legs and found him limp and relaxed. ‘What happened?’
‘Um,’ said Allen, with a guilty little smile. ‘You know what wet dreams are
like.’
‘You came just from eating grapes?’
‘That and rubbing against the sheets,’ Allen admitted. ‘I was a bit
overexcited.’
‘That’s putting it mildly!’
‘You must think I’m extremely peculiar,’ Allen said nervously.
‘No. I love my Ally.’ Passing his fingers through Allen’s hair, he found one
cherry still caught by its stem; they had one bite each and kissed through the
juice, sleepily, as the fire died to rosy ashes.
***** Chapter 15 *****
The next few weeks were exhausting but happy, as they worked to re-establish
the blockhouses and reinforce the fortifications. Allen was determined to make
Castelo fit for real combat, and Gaddes suspected he was more worried about the
new gang than he let on. He decided not to pry and simply did everything he
could to help, working himself sore on the stockades, and meeting at evening a
very appreciative Allen, who would greet him with kisses and a tender rub-down
to soothe his tired muscles.
‘Is that better?’ Allen asked, kneading Gaddes’ shoulders as he knelt astride
his back. Gaddes was stretched out on the bed, his chin pillowed on his folded
arms.
‘Much better. I feel like a new man.’
‘Perhaps I should give you a sponge bath so you’ll smell like a man too. At the
moment you’ve got an odour of lion’s den about you.’
‘Growr,’ Gaddes said lazily.
‘I have a little daydream where you’re a lion.’
‘Really?’ Gaddes said, rolling over and looking up at him. ‘Me? You’re the one
with a golden mane.’
‘Well, I’m a lion in it too,’ Allen said, smiling a little coyly as he traced a
spiral on Gaddes’ stomach with a fingertip. ‘Would you like to hear it?’
‘Come here and kiss me and tell me all.’ As Allen’s lips touched his, he combed
his fingers through his soft hair, drew his hands down over his back to squeeze
his firm buttocks, moved one hand gently between their bodies to stroke between
Allen’s legs.
‘You’re a pretty excited lion,’ he murmured.
‘I’ve been touching you, seeing you and smelling you for the last twenty
minutes, so what do you expect?’ Allen kissed him again and purred as Gaddes
unwound his sash, beginning to pop his fly-buttons.
‘Tell me your daydream.’
‘I’m a lion…’
‘You’re a lion…’
‘With a golden mane, as you said… I live on the veldt…’
‘The what?’
‘It’s a sort of plain that’s nice for lions to live on.’
‘I bet you look svelte on the veldt.’
‘I live on the veldt with my pride of lionesses, and defend my territory, and
lounge about in the shade and take first pick of the kill and think I’m very
happy.’
‘What do you want with lionesses?’
‘I don’t know any better. Sshh.’ Allen rolled over and sat up to take his pants
off properly, Gaddes watching him. ‘Would you like to get undressed while I
tell you more of the story? You’ve got your shirt off anyway.’
‘On it,’ said Gaddes, unbuckling his belt. ‘Continue.’
‘And then one day another lion enters my territory. A lion from the deep dark
forest, the wild and unknown jungle. His body is lean and hard, his mane is
short and dark. He prowls on the outskirts of my range, leaving the marks of
his scent. I see his glowing eyes watching me in the dark.’ Naked now, he
leaned over and kissed Gaddes’ neck. ‘This is you, in case you haven’t
guessed.’
‘It’s lucky you told me.’ Gaddes caught his breath and sighed with pleasure as
Allen began to massage his cock, still kissing and nipping along his neck and
collarbone. Love it. He rubs my back so it won’t get stiff and rubs my cock so
it will.
‘I don’t know if I can fight him. I’m a little scared of him. He’s so very
strong, so very male. One day, alone, I see him, scent-marking, spraying his
musky essence, I see his long, thick member, I smell his hot, rank odour, and
he turns to look at me…’
Gaddes fumbled in the pocket of his discarded trousers for the little lube-
tube; he could see where Allen was going and wanted to be ready for it, wanted
to satisfy the demands of his fantasy seamlessly. He was a little bit amused at
how purple Allen’s prose was getting (the ‘musky essence’ and ‘long, thick
member’ were particular highlights), but as usual was captivated by how
completely swept up in the daydream he was, his drowsy eyes shining, his lips
flushed and wet.
‘He looks at me,’ Allen sighed, ‘and I feel as if I’m in heat… I can’t think of
the little golden lionesses any more… he fills up my world… my King of Beasts…’
He paused to kiss Gaddes deeply before rising up on his hands and knees. ‘And I
turn my back to him… go down on my knees… I raise my tail and offer myself to
him, mewling in my throat the way the lionesses do when they want me to mount
them, to mate them… Gaddes… Gaddes, are you ready?’
‘I’m ready. I’m right behind you. Just tell me what you want.’
‘And I feel him gently clasp the nape of my neck with his strong jaws…’ Gaddes
closed his hand on the back of Allen’s neck, gathering together the thick, soft
locks of his hair.
‘And I feel him… I feel him enter me… oh God… Gaddes… deeper… oh yes, that’s
it… aah!’ Allen arched his back, quivering, pushing back against Gaddes’
penetration.
Gaddes slid his free hand down from Allen’s hip into the fold of his groin,
down to wrap around his cock, straining against his belly. He wanted to rub it
in perfect time with his thrusts, try to bring them both together… however
unlikely that was, given how close to his climax he felt already. On a few
occasions he had had an orgasm immediately on penetration, when he was at his
most relaxed and lazy; all it took was this tight, hot embrace, this
envelopment in soft flesh, to make him lose any control he ever had.
‘And he rides me…’
‘Like this?’
‘J-just like this… ooh, Gaddes…’
‘Ally…’
Bed creaking with the rhythm of their bodies, covers gripped tight in Allen’s
hands, dusty early-evening summer sunlight slanting through the chinks in the
shutters, deepening, tightening pleasure… Gaddes closed his eyes, wet his lips,
breathing hard, finding the perfect stroke, entering the home stretch, trying
so hard to hold on, hold on, hold on, and ultimately, joyously, losing his
battle in a gushing rush of delight. As his tremors faded, he lovingly worked
Allen to the same conclusion, letting them both collapse.
‘Oh Lord…’ Allen pushed a hand into his hair, sweeping down to where Gaddes
still held it bundled together and entangling their fingers. ‘How… how do you
always… oh Gaddes…’
‘Did I please you?’ Gaddes kissed his hand.
‘So much.’
‘I’m very happy.’ He moved Allen’s hair aside to nuzzle the nape of his neck.
‘I’m glad I didn’t let you down as a lion.’
‘You were a very, very good lion.’
‘You were lovely too. If I kiss you, will you purr?’
‘Lions can’t purr… no big cats can, only little cats.’
‘Then maybe we’ve just been two little tomcats playing Lions. Because I think
you’re purring.’
‘My tomcat…’ Allen eased himself away and rolled over to embrace Gaddes.
‘My Ally cat.’
‘Ugh! Bad, bad pun!’ Allen giggled and smacked his shoulder.
‘I thought you were a unicorn, not a lion,’ Gaddes teased him.
‘I can be both. I can be a… a unicolion.’
‘Oh yeah? And what sort of noise does a unicolion make?’
Allen thought about it for a moment. ‘Vrp?’ he said.
‘Idiot.’ Gaddes kissed him deeply, slowly, their tongues rolling together
playfully. Thank you, thank you, God, for giving me someone I can talk nonsense
like this with.
‘Aren’t the lion and the unicorn supposed to fight for the crown?’ Allen
wondered vaguely. ‘I’m pretty sure they do. The lion beat the unicorn all
around the town… some gave them white bread, and some gave them brown…’
‘No, that sounds like “Hark, hark, the dogs do bark, the beggars are coming to
town”.’
‘Some in rags and some in tags and one in a velvet gown?’
‘I think we’re hopelessly lost.’
‘No we’re not… we’re here on the veldt… in my territory… your territory… and I
can promise you that after this I won’t need lionesses any more.’ He snuggled
close, breathing Gaddes’ scent.
‘Should I never wash again, so I’ll always smell like this?’
‘No! It’s very nice once in a while, but I like you all soapy-sweet and fresh
too.’
‘As you wish.’ He kissed the crown of Allen’s head, wrapping his arms around
him.
‘My lion…’
‘The lion loves the unicorn.’ They lay together in cosy silence for some time.
‘I was just remembering…’ Allen murmured sleepily.
‘What?’
‘Adama Ish the Lion Man.’
‘And who’s he when he’s at home?’ Gaddes felt a twinge of pre-emptive jealousy.
‘Well, I’ve never met him. I only heard Balgus speaking of him. He just came to
mind because we were talking about lions. He, and Balgus, and Lig Vieta the
Doppelganger were chosen to be the Three Swordmasters of Gaea.’
‘Really? That’s strange. I mean, everyone’s heard of Balgus Ganesha, but I’d
never heard of the other two.’
‘Well, I suppose it’s because they’re a beastman and a chameleon man. No matter
what they did, people wouldn’t acknowledge them in the same way. But Balgus
respected both of them as equals.’
‘Remarkable how far we’ve gotten from our original subject in such a short
time,’ Gaddes pointed out, smiling affectionately.
‘It’s something I wonder about sometimes…’
‘Hmm?’
‘Whether he means for me to carry on in his footsteps. He’s quite an old man
now, in his sixties, although by all accounts he’s as strong as ever. But did
he train me so I could be – well, the Swordmaster for the human race, after
him? Am I being presumptuous and arrogant to think it? He never said so
directly. And I can’t ask him. Of course, I’ve probably disqualified myself
now.’ His face fell.
‘No no no. I forbid you to think of something like that. Think of something
nice.’
‘Well… all right… we’ll all have a lovely holiday from fixing things up around
here tomorrow, when we go down to Lamor for market day.’
‘That’s right. That’s more like it.’ He stroked Allen’s hair back from his
brow, letting their lips just graze together, teasingly, before kissing him
softly. ‘But that’s going to be a rough day in another way… a day in public, on
our best behaviour…’
‘We should be used to it by now.’
‘But it doesn’t get much easier.’
‘No, it doesn’t.’
‘It’s not just that I keep wanting to grope you. I wish I could hold your hand
when we’re walking around, or put my arm round you if we sit down together, or
just act like someone who loves you, without anyone going aargh perverts.’
‘That’s like wishing you could fly, sweetheart. You’ll only make yourself
miserable if you dwell on it.’
‘I know. But you’d like that too, wouldn’t you?’
‘I’d be so happy.’ Allen kissed him lightly and sat up, stretching. ‘We should
put ourselves back together. It’s almost time for dinner. And then we have the
joys of night patrol.’ He flashed a smile over his shoulder as he pulled his
shirt on. ‘When you can hold my hand, as long as we’re alone and it doesn’t
make you walk into anything.’
 
Lamor on market day was dusty and clamorous, with dense, pushing crowds trying
to keep under the awnings that lined the one main street and avoid the hot sun.
It was intended as a free day for the men of Castelo, the only proviso being
that they must not do anything too embarrassing.
‘A good test,’ Gaddes had told them before they left base, ‘is to ask yourself
if you can picture the Boss doing it. If you can it must be fine. If the
answer’s no, see if you think I’d do it, in which case it’s probably okay. And
if it fails both tests and you still do it, I’ll cut your ears off and sew them
back on the opposite sides. You’re not to show him up. Got that?’ A dutiful
chorus of mingled ‘Yes, sarge’s and a few ‘yeah, yeah’s.
‘You make some rather dire threats,’ Allen remarked as Gaddes turned away from
them. He had been listening from afar and seemed rather amused.
‘Oh, I have to play the bad cop so you can stay universally beloved,’ Gaddes
said, innocently.
Once they hit town, the men scattered to enjoy themselves.
‘Like kids in a candy store,’ Gaddes commented.
‘In fact, I think I see Reeden and Kio making a beeline for the candy store,’
Allen said, shading his eyes.
‘They’d be in the minority, then. I think most people want to go to the pub.’
‘All day?’ Allen wrinkled his nose. ‘I want a haircut – just a trim – new
socks, something to read that I don’t have memorised, and to order some new
shirts before the ones I’ve got disintegrate.’
‘I think I’m just going to mooch around.’
‘Suit yourself. Should I look for a book for you?’
‘Yeah, a mystery would be good.’ They parted amicably, and as soon as Allen was
out of sight Gaddes felt disgruntled and bored. Lamor seemed pointless; the
market was without appeal. He wandered among the stalls for a while, and spent
some time dithering in the street outside a shop which he was fairly sure sold
ladies’ underwear. He couldn’t quite work up the nerve to look directly into
the window, so he kept having to try to sneak sidelong glances while pretending
to be very interested in the dry goods and hunting gear offered by the two
establishments on either side of it. After many such glances he had built up
enough of a composite picture to know that if they did sell silk panties, they
didn’t put them in the window where anyone walking by could see them, and
obviously it was the sort of thing you went in and asked for, which put it
entirely out of the question. Wanting to give Allen a nice surprise was one
thing, but he would feel like far too much of an idiot. Besides, it would look
odd; with no known girlfriend he had no excuse to be buying frilly knickers,
and who knew how news might spread or eyebrows might be raised. After perhaps
twenty minutes of dithering he gave up, wandered off and bought an apple
turnover. At one end of the main street of Lamor was a band rotunda with a
small war memorial, the town council’s pride and joy; at the other was a large
circle of grass with a venerable Pallas Bay fig tree growing in the middle. He
took his turnover down to the tree end, and sat on the grass in the shade to
eat and mope.
As he was finishing the last edge of pastry, someone said in a brisk, pleased
voice, ‘Oh good, it’s you!’ He looked up, startled; he thought they were
talking to him, but he didn’t immediately recognise the voice. A fair-haired
woman was standing there with a large shopping bag slung over one arm and a
small child sitting on the opposite hip, wriggling to be put down.
‘I just can’t keep a proper eye on her with all the things I’ve got to do this
morning,’ the woman said, ‘so if you’d just mind her for half an hour, you’ll
have a friend for life. Thanks so much!’ Gaddes had placed her now as one of
the women who came to fort market days with her family, although he had no idea
what she was called. She was already setting the child down beside him. ‘Mind
nice Sergeant Gaddes, now,’ she told it. ‘Bye-bye!’ With that she was gone,
leaving the pair of them somewhat nonplussed and unenthused with one another’s
company.
The child, a girl of about three years old with straight brown hair and large,
serious blue eyes, plugged her right thumb into her mouth and regarded Gaddes
gravely.
‘Um. Hi,’ he said, unable to come up with a better conversational gambit. ‘My
name’s Sam. What’s yours?’
She uncorked for a moment, said ‘Ellice,’ and replaced her thumb in her mouth.
‘Why do people always trust me?’ Gaddes wondered aloud. ‘Have I got an honest
face or something? I wish I looked dishonest instead. For all she knows I’m a
dodgy devil who’ll drown you in the river and eat you.’
Ellice gave this due consideration, and removed the thumb again. ‘I’d eat you,’
she said.
‘I don’t think you could. Here’s me,’ he stood up, to show her his full height,
‘and there’s you. Now I could make maybe two meals of you, but you’d be working
for a week on me. You’d get sick of it. You know how after Solstice there’s
leftover turkey and ham for a week, and on the first day it’s yay, turkey, and
by the fourth day it’s oh, turkey again? It’d be like that.’
Ellice stared at him for a moment more, then grinned broadly. ‘You’re silly,’
she said. ‘I’m a pussycat.’ She dropped to her hands and knees and miaowed at
him.
‘Really? I’m a lion. That’s like a cat but bigger, with huge teeth and claws.’
‘I know what a lion is,’ she said scornfully. ‘If you’re a lion you should be
on all paws.’
‘I might as well,’ he admitted.
Some forty minutes later, they had thoroughly tired themselves out with speed-
crawling trials, pouncing games and daisy-chain making, and Gaddes was starting
to wonder if Ellice’s mother was ever coming back, or if he was going to have
to adopt her.
‘Now I need my sleep,’ she said, carefully crowned him with the small, rather
crushed daisy-chain she had made, and curled up on the grass with her eyes
closed. Sighing, he lay back beside her, propped on one elbow, and fell to
people-watching, with a particular eye to seeing if the fugitive mum was on the
horizon. He was just observing a quite amusing altercation over the price of a
melon when he heard Allen’s voice nearby, in sweet-talk mode. He rolled over
and saw him walking with a pretty, plump, dark-haired girl and carrying her
packages for her.
‘Hey, Boss!’ He waved, too pleased to see him to act indifferent. Allen looked
over in his direction and his face brightened with a smile, a couple of notches
up from the one with which he’d been favouring the girl. He brought it back
under control within a moment, but it was nice to see.
‘What are you doing?’ Allen asked, walking over. ‘You seem to have a garland.’
‘It’s a present from my lady friend,’ Gaddes said, indicating Ellice.
‘Oh, how sweet,’ said the brunette. ‘Is she your little girl?’
‘No,’ he said, blinking with surprise. ‘I’m just minding her. You must be new
around here.’
‘I’ve just had to move from Pallas,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Daddy’s work
brought him out to this godforsaken place. Oh – I beg your pardon. It’s your
home, of course.’
‘No it’s not. I’m from Pallas too. I’m up the fort with the Boss here.’
‘This is my sergeant Samivel Gaddes,’ Allen explained. ‘He’s invaluable.’
‘Oh! How silly of me.’ She gave a little tinkling laugh. ‘But it’s so hard to
tell, when your men don’t wear uniform.’
‘You seem to have an affinity for small girls,’ Allen said thoughtfully to
Gaddes. ‘I remember Princess Millerna being very fond of you.’
‘They’ve got an affinity for me,’ Gaddes corrected him. ‘I don’t know what to
do with them. Hey, are you going to be in the pub at lunchtime? I think most of
the guys are.’
‘I would,’ said Allen, ‘but Miss Deloitte has invited me to lunch at her
house.’
‘Mummy will be so pleased to see there’s some society here,’ Miss Deloitte said
confidingly. ‘She’s done nothing but lie on the chaise longue and cry since we
arrived.’
‘Oh… right… I guess I’ll see you sometime in the afternoon, then.’
‘Probably,’ Allen said, trying to signal an apology with his eyes while keeping
his tone cheerful. ‘Enjoy yourself,’ he said, as the young lady led him away.
‘Poo on Miss Deloitte,’ Gaddes muttered, leaning back on the grass with his
hands clasped behind his head. Beside him, Ellice giggled and opened one eye.
‘You said poo!’
‘You’d say poo too if someone else was stealing your best friend.’
‘Do grown-ups have best friends?’
‘Of course we do.’
‘My mummy says my daddy’s her best friend.’
‘That’s very nice for them.’
‘Have you got a mummy? A wife, I mean?’
‘Not yet. How old do you think I am?’
Ellice frowned, considering. ‘Forty?’
‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ Gaddes began to laugh.
‘Glad to see you’re having a nice time!’ It was Ellice’s mother, bustling up
with a full shopping bag. ‘Sorry I took so long, I ran into a friend. Have you
been a good girl, Ellice?’
‘Yes,’ said Ellice impatiently.
‘Say thank you to nice Sergeant Gaddes.’
‘Thank you Sam.’
‘Ooh, is she allowed to call you that?’ her mother asked apologetically.
‘It’s fine,’ he said, smiling.
‘Thanks again!’
‘No trouble.’ She took Ellice by the hand and the two of them walked away. He
took the daisy-chain out of his hair and twirled it round his fingers for a
minute or so before wadding it into a little damp green and white ball. The sun
was high by now and it seemed like about time for lunch, so he heaved himself
up off the grass and made for the pub.
The noise inside seemed almost solid; he had to push his way to a table where
some of the Castelo men were sitting on benches.
‘Sarge!’ Teo made room for him. ‘Don’t order the pumpkin soup, it’s shocking,
but the shepherd’s pie’s good.’ He nodded at a large communal dish in the
middle of the table.
‘Where’ve you been?’ Baile asked. ‘We haven’t seen hide nor hair of you since
we got here.’
‘Met a girl,’ Gaddes said, truthfully, as he helped himself to a chunk of the
pie.
‘You get the most out of a day in town, don’t you?’
‘I don’t know what you’re insinuating,’ he said, grinning. ‘Pass the salt?’
‘The Boss is at it too. He’s gone home with some posh bint he met.’
‘I don’t think he operates quite that way. I don’t think she would either, for
that matter.’
‘Nah, you’d be amazed by some of these upper-crust girls,’ Oruto put in. ‘I
used to work in a stable for a lord with three daughters. Nice horsey girls.
Liked nothing better than a good hard ride.’ A burst of laughter went up.
‘Course, one day he caught me in the hayloft with Miss Suzana and stabbed me in
the bum with a pitchfork,’ Oruto went on reflectively. ‘If he hadn’t gone easy
because he didn’t want to jab right through into her, might’ve been the end of
me. As it is, I’ve got a really interesting arse scar. Symmetrical. One hole in
each cheek.’
‘We’ve all seen it.’
‘Really? When? I can’t remember showing you.’
‘No, you can’t usually remember anything you do in that state!’
‘Ooh, it’s my favourite man!’ The sudden high girly squeal cut right through
the blokish voices. Someone flung her arms round Gaddes’ neck from behind and
almost made him choke on his last mouthful of pie.
‘Lillee?’
‘I haven’t seen you for ages, you bad man, and you’re coming upstairs with me
right now.’ There was a storm of appreciative foot-stomping and whistles from
his so-called friends.
‘Why are you so keen?’ he asked, befuddled.
‘You’ve got something I want,’ she purred, playing with his shirt-collar.
‘What, money?’
‘He’s blushing!’ Teo laughed. ‘Go for it, Sarge!’ He thumped Gaddes on the
back, making him gasp.
‘Did you guys set this up?’
‘Of course they didn’t,’ Lillee said, dragging him to his feet. ‘Now come on.’
She towed him away by the hand, rather urgently, through the lunchtime crowd
and upstairs to a bedroom. Once they were inside, she locked the door on the
inside and seemed to relax.
‘Well! Thank you for going along with that,’ she said. ‘I hoped I could count
on you.’
‘What for?’ he asked, still bewildered. She’d dropped the sex-kitten act like a
bad habit.
‘A customer I didn’t want to serve,’ she explained, waving a hand dismissively.
‘He was with Tracey last night and her bum’s so black and blue she can’t even
sit today. I don’t know about you but I don’t especially enjoy being spanked,
and I’m hoping if I stay up here for a while with you he’ll be gone when I go
back down. That’s all right, isn’t it? I waited till you’d had your lunch.’
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Oh. Well, that’s fine. Fair enough. I’m happy to do a good turn
for a friend. Won’t you get in trouble if you’re not really working, though?’
‘Well, you’ve paid me for my time before,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘That’s
why I picked on you. Don’t worry, I’ll only charge you for hand relief.’
‘Why didn’t you get another actual customer?’
‘I’ve had five already this morning. All the trappers are in town and some of
them haven’t seen a woman for a month. When I saw you I thought, yay, I can
have a break.’
‘Okay. Jolly good, then.’ Feeling somewhat at a loss, he sat down on the end of
the bed, which now he thought about it, did look rather like it had seen action
several times that day. Lillee regarded him with hands on her hips.
‘Oh, you look disappointed,’ she said ruefully. ‘Poor boy. I thought you must
be so pleased to have all your mates see me drag you off, too. Well, tell you
what, if you want hand relief I’m happy to. Or a blowjob, how about that? I
could even give you a freebie because you’re doing me a favour.’
‘No no no! I wasn’t fishing. You don’t have to give me anything,’ he protested,
feeling his face turn red. ‘You deserve a break. Five men this morning? Phew.
Don’t mind me!’
She gave him another long, appraising look, and seemed to make up her mind
about something. ‘Joking apart, Sam, are you gay?’
‘Am I what?’
‘Gay. You know, queer.’
‘I’ve – I’ve never heard it called that before,’ he said, hedging desperately.
‘Well, it used to mean working girls like me,’ she explained, ‘but the working
boys in Pallas have been calling themselves that too, and just lately it’s
started to mean any homo. It doesn’t bother me at all if you are, I’m open-
minded. I just sort of think you must be.’
‘What, just because I don’t want to catch the clap doing it with a slapper like
you?’ he asked, resorting to nastiness in his panic.
She looked at him shrewdly and smiled. ‘I’m not going to tell anyone, you
know,’ she said. ‘You can calm down. And I don’t mind if you call me a slapper,
but I do not have the clap, so apologise.’
‘Sorry,’ he said, guiltily.
‘Good boy,’ she said contentedly, plumping down on the bed beside him and
making herself comfortable. ‘So you are gay, then.’
‘How could you tell? I thought I was doing such a good job of hiding it.’
‘You are, mostly. I wouldn’t’ve guessed just from you only wanting to talk,
because that happens sometimes. But once a few months ago, your lot were all in
town, and I was out for a walk to get some fresh air, and I saw you and your
cute boss looking very cosy on that little bridge at the back of town.’
‘Oh my God. I didn’t think anyone saw us. Oh, shit.’
‘Relax, Sam, if anyone saw you besides me I think you would have heard about it
by now.’ She patted his arm soothingly. ‘You know, I gave you a chance. I tried
a theory where your boss was actually a girl in disguise who’d run away to join
the army. But he just isn’t – is he?’
‘No… no, he’s all boy.’
‘That’s so sweet,’ she said, giving a delighted little wriggle. ‘You two
together, I mean. You’re both so cute, and I just think it’s really nice.’
‘You don’t think it’s disgusting and weird?’
‘Dahling, I’ve done everything you could possibly have done, or had it done to
me, and there isn’t much I think is weird any more,’ she said dryly.
‘You haven’t buggered anyone.’
‘I have so. Haven’t you ever heard of dildoes? I had one chap who wanted me to
do it with the heel of my shoe.’
‘Ew, seriously?’
‘I said sure, if he’d buy me new shoes. And he did.’ She shrugged. ‘That was a
really nice pair. They had the neatest little ankle straps.’
‘Eargh. Okay, you’ve done more than I’ve done. I’ve never stuck anything up
anyone that wasn’t part of me.’ He paused, thinking. ‘Although I was buggered
with a whiskey bottle once or twice, does that count for anything?’
‘Course it does. Did he do that?’
‘God, no. He’s a gentleman.’
‘So you’ve been around a bit?’
‘Not that much,’ he said, feeling himself blushing again. ‘That was just… well,
my old boyfriend.’
‘Old boyfriends,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Can’t live with ‘em, not supposed to
kill ‘em. You’re happy with Allen, aren’t you?’
‘I’m really happy,’ Gaddes admitted.
‘He looks sort of too good to be true.’
‘He’s even better. Seriously, he’s the closest thing to perfect I can imagine
without being nauseating like a perfect person would be.’
‘Well, I think that’s jolly nice,’ she said warmly. ‘Good for you.’
‘That’s… a really weird reaction, Lillee.’
‘I just think it’s nice if anyone gets a shot at true love,’ she said,
shrugging. ‘Does who they are really matter?’
‘True love,’ he said, feeling a smile spread on his face. ‘I guess it is true
love.’
‘You’re being cute again.’
‘Leave it out, Lillee.’
‘Actually, I should probably be talking shop with you.’
‘I told you I wasn’t like that.’
‘I just mean you’d have a pretty unique perspective on how to please a man. You
know it inside and out, so to speak. Know any good tricks?’
‘Probably not anything you haven’t heard of. Seriously. Probably the trickiest
thing I know about is… um… humming when you’ve got his balls in your mouth.’
‘Oh, I know that. Does Allen like that?’
‘I’m not telling you,’ he said, feeling himself blush again.
‘That’s the problem with attempting girl talk with someone who isn’t a girl,’
she sighed. ‘Men don’t understand the need to discuss private details about
one’s boyfriend.’
‘Umm… Lillee, do you think you could do me a favour?’
‘Depends what it is. What do you have in mind?’
‘Well, speaking of girl talk, and, um, stuff that’s really just women’s
business…’
‘Yes?’ She looked at him curiously.
‘Could you buy some underwear for me?’
Lillee burst out laughing; she laughed so hard that she had to flop over
backwards on the bed.
‘Fine, forget it then,’ Gaddes muttered, his cheeks flaming.
‘No no no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just can’t imagine a big gangly guy like you
wearing a bra and knickers.’
‘They’re not for me. And I don’t want any bras, just underpants.’
‘Oh my goodness. Have you sounded Allen out about this or are you going to just
spring it on him? “Good evening, darling, I’d like you to wear these tonight”?’
‘It’s his idea in the first place. And don’t say anything about that. Just
don’t, all right? I want to do something nice for him, give him a treat. And I
can’t buy them myself because I’m embarrassed. Would you be willing? I’ll pay
you back and everything.’
‘Of course I would, you poor boy. Any special requests?’
‘Well, silk. And pretty pale colours.’
‘Pastels?’
‘Yeah, that’s the word. I think he’d especially like pink. And embroidery.
Butterflies or flowers or whatever. Just – princessy kind of stuff. Pretty
stuff, like an elegant girl would have. I think that’s what he wants.’
‘Then that’s what he shall have,’ Lillee said decidedly. ‘I can have them for
you by this evening, if you pay me for the time as well as the undies.’
‘Jeez, this is going to cost a lot, isn’t it?’
‘Well, do you love him?’
‘So much.’
‘Then you shouldn’t mind.’ She gave him a friendly pat on the leg. ‘It’ll only
be what the local shop I go to has got, mind you. You could get nicer in
Pallas. You ought to look at some mail-order catalogues.’
‘You won’t tell anyone, will you? I mean, it’s bad enough you know about me,
but I really don’t want to betray him.’
‘I provide a very discreet service,’ Lillee promised. ‘Plain brown paper
wrapping and everything.’
‘Thank you. This means a lot.’ He managed to smile, relaxing a little.
‘Seriously, is this all his idea?’ Lillee asked, nudging him and grinning.
‘I’ve got no idea what I’m going to think when I see him in a pair of girl’s
knickers. I’m just praying it doesn’t make me laugh or put me off. I don’t see
how it could put me off totally but sometimes your mind does unexpected things,
you know?’ He sighed resignedly. ‘Oh well. If I don’t like the look of them
I’ll just have to get them off him as quickly as possible.’
‘Yep. This is why you can’t do girl talk. You’re such a boy.’
‘I’m meant to be.’ He nudged her back.
‘Get off.’ She gave him a playful shove.
‘You get off.’ This was turning into a silly play-fight; as they pushed at each
other he accidentally tipped her over and ended up sprawled on top of her body.
‘Sorry. Sorry!’ He scrambled off and backed away to the far corner of the bed.
‘So you should be,’ she said cheerfully, propping herself up on her elbows. ‘I
thought for a moment you were going for that freebie.’
‘I’m really, honestly not interested in that. It’s not that I think you’re ugly
or a slapper or anything like that, but I don’t feel that way about girls.’
‘I could just about wish you did. I’ve always sworn I wouldn’t get involved
with a customer but you’ve never been a customer in that way.’ She tipped her
head to one side, birdlike. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to try it, just to see
what you think?’
‘No offence, but no. I mean, yes, I’m sure I don’t want to.’
‘All right, then,’ she said, sitting up and flicking back her hair, so
untroubled that his pride was slightly hurt. ‘Just a thought. It’d be bloody
inconvenient anyway, with you living out at that fort. And this job is easier
if you don’t have a boyfriend. Jealous men are such a bore. Speaking of bore, I
wonder how much longer I’ll have to stay up here before it’s safe to venture
out? I’m expecting he’ll leave when most of the lunch crowd does. Have you got
the time?’
‘No, sorry, no watch. You calling me a bore?’
‘It’s just boring being up here with nothing to do.’ She started to bounce on
the bed, still in her sitting position. ‘Squeak, bedsprings, squeak. Make it
sound like I’m earning my money.’
‘I’ll help,’ Gaddes said, starting to bounce too. ‘Should I do some grunts?’
‘Yes, but bounce in time with me, dummy. You’re meant to be thrusting here.’
‘Whoops. Better?’
‘Great! Oh! Oh Sam! Harder, harder!’
‘Shurrup.’
‘No, no, this is realism,’ she whispered, giggling, then raised her voice
again, bouncing harder. ‘Oh my God!  I’ve never taken this much before! Ride
me, ride me! Oh! You monster!’
‘Ow! I think I bit my tongue.’
‘Don’t be a wuss. Grunt some more!’
‘Ungh, ungh.’
‘Yes! Wa-hoo!’
‘Wa-hoo?’
‘Oh, you’re so good! Aah! Aaaaah! (you’re getting out of time again) OH MY GOD
I’m coming I’m coming I’m coming don’t stop don’t STOP!’ She let out an ear-
splitting squeal and threw herself back on the pillows with a jangling thump.
‘Oh! Sergeant. You’ve ruined me for all other men. I’ll have to retire.’
‘And I’m not even finished yet.’
‘Sweet merciful crap, you’re like a pile-driver!’
‘Only cuter.’ They were both almost helpless with laughter by this time, but he
managed to keep bouncing. ‘Take this!’
‘Aah! Oh, God, that wasn’t even your full length before! Are you even human?’
‘I’m a god! God of Fucking! You must bear the brunt of my mighty man-sword! I
warn you, no mortal woman has survived!’
Lillee gave a little hysterical scream and tried hard to disguise it as a sound
of passion, following up with more moans and squeals while she gave Gaddes a
good hard punch in the arm.
‘Oh! You’re fighting! You’re fighting! I love that!’
‘You bastard! You gorgeous bastard! Harder!’
‘Rrrrrrrrrugh! Yes! Yes! Oh, brace yourself, girl, because here I come!’
In unison, they both screamed at the tops of their voices, then collapsed
giggling, half-crying with laughter. Someone in the next room banged on the
wall and yelled ‘Are you quite finished, you freaks!?’ which set them off again
just as they were beginning to calm down.
‘God of Fucking!?’ Lillee squeaked. ‘Do you talk like that to him?’
‘My God, no. He’d slap me.’
‘I half think I should slap you. Oof! That was lovely.’ She sat up and combed
her fingers through her rumpled hair. ‘I haven’t had a good laugh like that in
ages.’
‘Pleased to be of service.’ He grinned at her from his supine position.
‘Lillee?’
‘Hm?’
‘Do you ever really enjoy it, with a customer? I mean, not that much,
obviously, I don’t think anyone enjoys it that much.’
‘Honestly?’ She puffed out her cheeks and exhaled gustily. ‘Once in a while, it
feels quite nice, but mostly I’ve just gotten so good at thinking about
something else while I go through the motions that I don’t really feel
anything. I have to think about something else, you know, because most of the
time it’s just work, something to put up with and get through. Sometimes it
hurts pretty badly. Sometimes they’re just clumsy idiots. Sometimes they’re
rather disgusting and you really understand why they have to pay someone. I’ve
gotten so good at going somewhere else in my mind that I think if I did get a
boyfriend I might not feel anything with him either. It’s a bit of a sad
thought.’
‘I’m sorry, Lillee.’ He reached out and touched her hand, hesitantly.
‘Oh, it’s not your fault,’ she said, smiling wryly. ‘Just the opposite.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s not like I’m rescuing you. Just giving you a break.’
‘I realised the other day,’ she said, vaguely, her eyes gazing away as if not
seeing him for a moment, ‘I’ve never done it with anyone who wasn’t paying me.
I’ve never done it at all just because I wanted to. It would be nice if there
had been once.’ Gaddes squeezed her hand, not sure he could say anything that
would make her feel better, and she blinked and smiled at him, pushing the
thought away. ‘Anyway, not to worry. It’s good to have a friend like you, even
if I don’t see you too often. Shall we pop our heads out and see if the crowd’s
thinned out?’
‘All right. Hey, if he hasn’t gone, stick with me a bit longer. I’ll pay you
for the time. You might have to take a couple of instalments, but I won’t leave
you out of pocket.’
‘You’re a true gentleman, Sergeant Gaddes.’
As they re-entered the bar-room they were greeted by a thunderous round of
applause from the Castelo men still sitting at their table.
‘Oh, for crying out loud…’ Gaddes tried to look composed and unruffled sitting
down, which was rather spoiled by Lillee seating herself in his lap with a
flourish.
‘You’re a legend, mate,’ Reeden said, punching him in the shoulder. ‘You
overact like crazy, but that’s part of the charm.’
‘You guys couldn’t hear everything we were saying, could you? We were just
having a laugh.’
‘Put it this way, do you want us to call you Sergeant God of Fucking from now
on?’
‘No. Oh, shit no.’ He pretended to hide his face in Lillee’s skirt, while the
men broke up laughing. Raising his head, thoroughly embarrassed but on the
whole having a good time, he was horrified to see Allen sitting across from
him, regarding him with chin in hand and a thoroughly unimpressed look on his
face.
‘A- b-Boss,’ he stammered. ‘I didn’t know you were here.’
‘I’ve been here for a while,’ Allen said coolly.
‘I, um, thought you were having lunch with your friend.’
‘Well, when we arrived at her house her mother was indisposed,’ Allen said, ‘so
I excused myself.’
‘Oh.’ For God’s sake, get off me, Lillee! ‘Is her mother all right?’
‘I’m sure she will be.’ Still that cold, I’m-not-going-to-give-you-an-inch
gaze.
‘Now Boss,’ said Oruto, ‘go easy on him. He’s a growing boy with urges.’
‘How Sergeant Gaddes conducts himself on a day off is entirely his own affair,’
Allen said, adjusting his cuffs, ‘unless he brings Castelo Fort into disrepute.
I must say, I would not have expected him to… disport himself so crudely and so
publicly.’
‘She started it,’ Gaddes mumbled guiltily. Lillee pinched him.
‘I expect she is no better than she ought to be,’ Allen said, regarding Lillee
unlovingly. ‘Please leave us, madam. Your services are no longer required.’
‘Hey, that’s not fair,’ Gaddes protested faintly, as Lillee hastily removed
herself from his lap.
‘No, Sam, you don’t have to say anything,’ she said brightly. ‘I’ll just be
going.’
‘She’s a good woman,’ he told Allen, feeling both foolish and indignant. ‘Don’t
look at her like that.’
‘Why don’t you listen to her, instead of lowering yourself attempting to defend
your doxy?’
‘Whatever that means, don’t call her that!’ Gaddes snapped.
‘Fortunately,’ Allen replied, ‘I don’t have to listen to you.’ He got up from
his seat and strode out, leaving an embarrassed silence behind him.
‘What crawled up his bum and died?’ Reeden wondered aloud.
‘I think I’ll go and ask,’ said Gaddes, and followed. He almost missed Allen in
the street outside, but caught sight of his blue skirt disappearing around a
corner. Hurrying after him, he caught up within a few moments. The side street
was not busy like the main one, but they were not alone either.
‘Hey!’ he said. ‘Boss! Will you just calm down and let me explain to you?’
Allen refused to stop, talking without turning as he walked along rapidly.
‘There is nothing to explain, Sergeant. Everyone in the house heard you. Your
trysting-room, in case you didn’t realise, was directly over the bar. You have
no secrets.’ His voice was terse and clipped.
‘Be angry with me if you want to, but it really pissed me off when you insulted
Lillee.’
‘She’s a whore, Sergeant! There’s nothing I could say worse than that.’
‘Just one bloody minute, she happens to be my friend, and who the hell are you
to judge her anyway?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Allen demanded, wheeling round and glaring at
him.
‘Well, who’re any of us to judge someone else?’ Gaddes asked lamely. ‘You don’t
know her. I don’t know her very well. But just because she’s a prostitute
doesn’t mean she’s “no better than she ought to be.” You’ve always given me the
benefit of the doubt. Why not her?’
Allen stared at him a moment more, his cheeks red and his eyes flashing. Then
he turned away impetuously, walking so fast he was almost running.
‘Come back! I’m trying to explain!’ Gaddes dashed after him; trying to evade
him, Allen turned off down an alley. They found themselves alone in a quiet,
dusty, dead-end space behind some houses. Allen looked around uncertainly,
seeking somewhere else to bolt to. Catching up, Gaddes grabbed his arm.
‘Let go of me!’ Allen shook him off.
‘I want you to listen!’
‘I’ve already had to listen! It was disgusting!’
‘None of that was real!’
‘No, I don’t suppose it did mean anything to you.’
‘Shut up and listen. We were pretending. We were being silly and making noises
as if we were doing it, for a joke.’
‘Well, why in the world would you do that?’ Allen asked, looking bewildered,
but still angry.
‘It was just – I don’t know – something that happened, we were kidding around.
I know it was dumb but it wasn’t meant to offend anyone.’
‘I don’t know if I believe you,’ Allen said. The rage in his eyes was melting
into hurt. ‘Because why did you go up there with her at all?’
Gaddes sighed. ‘Believe it or not, I was trying to be a gentleman. Or at least
do a good turn for a friend. She asked me to pretend to, well, engage her, so
she could avoid a customer she didn’t want to have to deal with. A thug who
would’ve beaten her up. That’s all there was to it. You know I wouldn’t really
do that. Don’t you?’ Looking over his shoulder to make sure they were
unobserved, he stepped closer and touched Allen’s arm. ‘Don’t you know that?’
‘I… I always believed…’
‘Come on,’ Gaddes said, giving him a little smile. ‘Do you think I’d seriously
use lines like those? When you think about it, don’t I have to have just been
kidding?’
‘Well… yes…’ He couldn’t quite meet Gaddes’ eyes.
‘I’m glad you know that.’ He softly traced the side of Allen’s face with his
fingertips. ‘And do you know I love you?’
A very small voice said ‘Yes.’
‘And am I forgiven?’
‘It’s just that…’
‘Mm?’
‘Even if you were just playing… I hate for you to play like that with anyone
but me.’
‘It was not like when we play. I promise you. Lillee and I were making daft
noises for everyone to hear. Our games, yours and mine – they’re only for us. I
don’t share that part of myself with anyone but you. Besides other parts that I
just share with you.’ He stroked Allen’s hair back from his temple. ‘Forgiven?’
‘I was ashamed of you, Gaddes.’
‘I was ashamed of you.’
‘What?’ Allen’s head bobbed up, startled.
‘The way you spoke to Lillee. That was unworthy of you. And I’ve told you why.
I’m embarrassed too. I know I shouldn’t have made a sleazy racket like that. I
regret it, especially because it upset you. But she’s my friend, and she’s a
nice woman, and even if you don’t approve of her job she doesn’t deserve your
scorn.’
‘Is that really what you think?’
‘It really is.’
Leaning forward, Allen put his head on Gaddes’ shoulder. ‘Then I’m sorry.’
‘Thank you.’ Gaddes wrapped his arms around him, glancing nervously around
again.
‘Don’t worry… I don’t think there’s anyone about.’
‘Then I can kiss you, and not get in trouble?’
‘I wish you would.’
Gaddes touched Allen’s lips with his own a little hesitantly, gaining a little
confidence as Allen pressed against him with a sigh, warm breath tickling his
skin.
‘We should be more secret,’ Allen whispered.
‘I know, but what can we do?’
‘There’s that little shed over there. We could hide there.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure.’ He whispered in Gaddes’ ear, sending a shock through him. ‘I need
you.’
‘You’re terrible.’
‘I know.’ Holding his hands, he drew Gaddes over to the little outbuilding.
‘What are we going to do if it’s full of junk? Or locked?’
‘I don’t know – despair?’ Allen opened the door. ‘It’s not locked.’
‘What about the junk?’ Gaddes peered over his shoulder. ‘We’re in luck! Just
old lumber.’
‘Then get in here so I can shut the door, you fool.’ Pushing the door closed
with his foot, he threw his arms around Gaddes, kissing him deeply, urgently.
Gaddes found himself backed up against the stack of boards that took up most of
the space in the shed.
‘Well, aren’t you aggressive.’
‘I feel as if I need to take you back… reclaim you… do you want to sit up
here?’
‘No-one else has had me,’ Gaddes pointed out, boosting himself up onto the
stack.
‘But I need to know you’re mine.’ Allen started unfastening his fly, popping
buttons impatiently.
‘You are aggressive!’
‘Does the gentleman object?’
‘No… he’s just not really ready to receive visitors…’
‘I can brace him up,’ Allen whispered, bowing his head between Gaddes’ thighs
and blowing gently on his warm, limp cock, making him shiver with pleasure.
‘Oh, yes you can…’ He felt himself drawn into wet heat and groaned, sinking his
fingers in Allen’s soft hair.
‘Wait…’
‘What for?’ He watched Allen draw back with a feeling of confused dismay.
‘I don’t want to struggle with these stupid clothes later on. Let me just slip
out of them.’ Gaddes watched, increasingly aroused, as Allen dropped his skirts
and swordbelt to the floor, illuminated by lines of light filtering through
cracks between the rough board walls of the shed. He reached out to him, trying
to help.
‘Here, I’ll get your shoulder-straps while you undo your toggles.’
‘Thank you. Sometimes I’m tempted to stop wearing this uniform altogether.’
‘And walk round naked? I’d enjoy that.’
‘I was thinking of wearing civvies, ninny,’ Allen said, flashing him a smile as
he pushed his trousers down from his hips. ‘Ready for anything now. Are you?’
‘You can see I’m readier than I was…’
‘I think you still need encouragement. Lift up your hips?’ He dragged Gaddes’
trousers and undershorts down to his ankles, managing to pull them off over his
boots. ‘Oh yes… Gaddes… let me…’ He wrapped both hands around Gaddes’ growing
erection, licking the tip, rolling it against his tongue, breathing heavily
over the wet skin. ‘I love how you taste…’ He drew the swollen head into his
mouth, sucking hard, pushing his tongue-tip in under the foreskin and moving it
in a circle. Gaddes bit his lip, struggling not to cry out as Allen took him
deeper, pumping his tongue up and down the underside of his shaft, before
returning his attention to the head and probing the narrow slit at the centre,
drawing sharp whimpers of delight from his throat.
‘Lie back,’ Allen murmured, gently lifting Gaddes’ thighs over his shoulders,
tilting his body, raising his hips. With rough boards under his back, dust
tickling his eyes and nose,  Gaddes felt Allen’s tongue softly lapping his
balls, seeking the firmness inside the tender sac of skin; felt him carefully,
delicately take them in his mouth and suck. He had to stuff his gloved fist
into his mouth as a gag, terrified that someone outside would hear him cry. The
pleasure he was feeling bordered on pain; he was so sensitive there that he
almost couldn’t bear Allen’s caresses. It made his eyes water; waves of
goosebumps chased each other over his skin.
Releasing his lover’s balls, Allen began to lick lower, somewhat to Gaddes’
surprise; he didn’t often explore that area. As he felt a warm, wet trickle run
over the tight opening, he understood that he was being prepared, lubricated.
Allen’s tongue bathed and probed him, pushing in deep, deeper, guiding his
muscles to relax. With his tongue as far inside as it could go, he softly
moaned, sending a strange, sweet vibration into Gaddes’ body, making him
squirm.
‘I need you to move a little bit backwards so I can get up there with you…
that’s good… are you ready?’ The boards creaked and rattled as he edged into
position on his knees.
‘Mm…’
‘You feel ready. You feel like wet silk. Do you want another finger? Or just
the alicorn?’
‘Ally…’
‘All right…’ He eased himself in, holding his breath, pushing Gaddes’ legs up
and away from him as he leaned forward, gazing down at his flushed face. ‘Is
that good?’
‘Ohh… hhh… yes, yes, that’s good.’ Reaching up, he caught a handful of Allen’s
hair and drew him down for a kiss, their bodies rocking together.
‘Don’t pull my hair…’
‘But it’s so handy this way.’ He twisted the shining lock between his fingers.
‘You don’t need to hold me down here.’ As he drew his hips back and drove
himself in again, Allen kissed Gaddes softly, deeply, a wet, sucking kiss, the
motion of his tongue mimicking his long, smooth thrusts before settling to a
delicate spiral, teasing his lips. Unintentionally, convulsively, Gaddes’
fingers clenched in his hair; he felt silky strands falling in his face,
tickling, a whisper-soft counterpoint to the hot, pounding pleasure inside him.
Reaching down, his free hand met Allen’s, moving to hold him, stroke him, bring
him closer and closer to his climax.
‘Allen… oh God… please, harder…’ Clatter of boards, warm, sweating skin
pressing and sliding against his, Allen’s gusty breathing and seraphic face
hovering above him, his thick, hard cock surging deep inside, his own throbbing
in their hands’ embrace, delicious tension mounting higher and higher; he
realised he was about to come just in time to catch the milky spurt in his
palm, rather than letting it spatter his tunic. For a moment, he felt close to
fainting, only distantly aware of Allen’s panting quickening to an explosive
gasp; Allen’s body strained against his for a moment before collapsing, limp
and relaxed. They lay still, breathing deeply, the air inside the shed stifling
hot, their warmth on top of a summer afternoon’s.
‘Perfect…’ Allen whispered weakly. ‘That was just perfect.’
‘How do we do it?’
‘Well, we mostly start by kissing, and then…’ The end of the sentence got lost
in a muffled giggle as Gaddes bearhugged him with a mock growl. ‘I think we’re
just exactly the right people for each other.’
‘I like that idea.’
‘So do I.’ A warm kiss.
‘Oh dear.’ Allen carefully pulled away and rolled over. ‘We’d probably better
tidy up and go back before everyone starts to wonder where we are and what
we’re doing… I need something to wipe with. I wonder if I can find my
handkerchief – for that matter, if I can find my pockets.’ He started to fumble
with the trousers webbed around his ankles.
‘Don’t bother – take this.’ Gaddes ripped a piece of linen from his shirt-tail
and passed it over. ‘I suppose I can lick my glove clean.’
‘Or I can lick it for you,’ Allen said, smiling. ‘Why didn’t you take your
gloves off? At least I managed that.’
‘I dunno. Caught up by passion.’ He peeled off the glove and offered it to
Allen. ‘Ow – your knees are all grazed.’
‘I know. These boards are not my friends. Could you be very kind and check for
splinters?’
‘First love-making, then first-aid,’ Gaddes mumbled, inspecting the injured
knees. ‘Here’s one. Hang on. I’ll need to find my pockets to get my pocket-
knife.’
‘What for?’ Allen asked nervously.
‘It’s got tweezers in the handle. Don’t panic. I wasn’t going to hack it out.’
Hanging over the edge of the stack of lumber, he clawed his pants up from the
ground and managed to find the knife. ‘There we go… that’s got it. Poor little
knee.’ He held up the splinter so Allen could see.
‘Poor little me,’ Allen agreed. He looked with some distaste at the crumpled
rag in his hand. ‘I don’t know what to do with this.’
‘Just wad it down the side of the woodpile. Ten to one no-one’ll ever find it.’
‘It feels very illicit, hiding evidence of our coupling like this. I think this
was rather a violation of our rules of diplomacy, don’t you?’
‘I thought it was a violation of me,’ Gaddes said, grinning. ‘I think we can
let it slip this once. After all, we really needed to. I know I feel better.’
He pulled up his undershorts. ‘I’m going to be walking down the street looking
at everyone else and thinking “I just got laid and you didn’t.” I won’t be able
to get the smile off my face for hours.’
‘I think we should go back separately.’
‘Yeah, to be sneaky. We need a cover story, too.’
‘We had a heated altercation but made it up – isn’t that all we need say?’
‘A heated altercation. I like that.’
‘Shall I go back first… and apologise to your friend?’
‘That would be really great.’ He leaned over and kissed Allen’s cheek as he
buttoned his pants.
‘And while you’re walking around smiling inanely I’ll be wincing every time my
trouser-legs touch my poor sore knees,’ Allen sighed.
‘Poor baby. Do you want me to rip some more bits off my shirt to make you
bandages?’
‘You don’t have to…’
‘No, here, I owe it to you. It won’t show.’ He tore a strip and bound it around
Allen’s right knee. ‘Better?’
‘You are such a kind, kind man,’ Allen murmured, toying with a strand of
Gaddes’ dark hair.
‘Today I’ve babysat a little girl, assisted a lady in distress and bound your
wounds. I ought to get some sort of testimonial from a grateful public.’
‘Perhaps before nightfall you can slay a dragon or pull a baby out of a well or
something.’
‘We’ll see!’
***** Chapter 16 *****
Gaddes wandered among market stalls, feeling stupidly happy. He kept getting
little twingeing leg cramps from that ridiculous if delightful position and his
rectum felt as if it had a rugburn (a shame neither of them had been capable of
remembering that some proper lubricant was right there in his pants pocket),
but even these minor discomforts added to his happiness as vivid reminders of
the cause of the smile he couldn’t get off his face.
I know it’s dumb, but even a breach of diplomacy is great because it proves he
loves me enough to take that risk. We’re going to get our asses kicked that way
one of these days. But today I got my ass pounded so I’m happy. Does my brain
work at all? He paused to make monkey faces at a baby whose stallholder mother
had taken the very sensible measure of sitting him up on the counter of her
handcraft stall and tying him with a scarf to one of its awning supports. He
had the entertainment of the passing crowd, and he couldn’t crawl off or fall
off while she was busy with customers. He regarded the monkey faces with the
disdainful expression of a dowager duchess who is not amused, and to Gaddes’
immense amusement, made a perfect ‘you may go’ wave-away gesture with one pudgy
hand. As he turned away, laughing, he saw something which abruptly made his
blood feel like iced water. The next moment it was gone, and he was not even
sure he had really seen it; but it had looked like Nichol, Nichol’s back,
walking away among the crowd in the street.
It wouldn’t be. No. He wouldn’t be walking around here bold as brass. Lots of
people look like Nichol. I have to have imagined it. God, what a shitty thing
to pop into my head right now, when I’m so stoked. He shook himself like a dog
coming out of water, trying to shake off the cold, sickly feeling of alarm. It
ought to have been long enough now. I’m going back to the pub.
On his way he bumped into Lillee, looking cheerful.
‘Did everything go all right?’ he asked, adding in an undertone, as he put a
hand on her elbow and turned her towards the house beside them, so that a blank
wall had the best chance of overhearing them, ‘Did he apologise like I asked
him to?’
‘Very handsomely,’ Lillee affirmed, matching his discreet tone. ‘I never had
anyone go down on one knee to apologise to me before. For a second there I
thought he was proposing marriage. But I suppose he’s married to you.’ She
grinned and gave him a poke in the shoulder. ‘I’m just off on my shopping
mission for you. You can fork out the cash when I get back. Just wait for me at
the pub, I won’t take too long. When are you lot heading back?’
‘About four, I think,’ Gaddes said. ‘So we can get the night patrols off to a
normal start. Plenty of time.’
‘You should go and get a haircut,’ she said. ‘A proper one. Spiff yourself up a
bit. And get something else to wear, for heaven’s sake. Every time I see you
you’re in those trousers.’
‘Why?’ he asked, a little wounded. ‘I’m a sergeant, not a peacock.’
‘I mean give yourself a treat,’ she said. ‘All gay boys love shopping.’
‘Don’t say that so bloody loud. And who says we do? I’m not interested in
shopping.’ He paused. ‘I’m going to get new pants, but only because you’ve
reminded me that my spare pair are on their last legs.’
‘I suppose you should be wearing uniform trousers, anyway. From the fort
stores.’
‘We get sent all the stuff more respectable outfits don’t want. There was a
pair of shorts last year that had three legs. The reason we all look so scruffy
most of the time is that we’re lucky to get anything we can actually wear.
Well, that and we’re pretty slack about uniform. Even Allen doesn’t care what
we wear as long as we’re fully dressed and don’t smell too bad.’
‘He looks like the type who enjoys shopping.’
‘Cut it out, Lil,’ he said warningly, trying not to laugh.
‘Running around one of those big Pallas department stores uttering little
squeals of enthusiasm.’ She grinned at him unrepentantly. ‘I’d better get
going.’
‘Yeah, you’d better, Miss Saucebox.’ He sent her on her way with a swat across
the backside, then pushed a hand thoughtfully through his hair. It probably was
getting a bit straggly, and the town barber probably actually knew what he was
doing, as opposed to the haphazard trim he could give himself at home. (He had
had one haircut from Kio when he first arrived and sworn never again; it wasn’t
that he was vain, just that he didn’t enjoy looking like a toilet brush.) All
right then. Hair, pants, then pub.
When he eventually rejoined the others, looking considerably more spruce than
was his custom and with a parcel of clothes under his arm, he found them
cheerful and rowdy, and Allen somewhat tiddled.
Sometimes I forget he’s only seventeen but when he drinks I definitely
remember.
‘Gaddes! Hallo, Gaddes! It’s Gaddes, everyone!’ Allen popped up from his seat
and waved at him as he approached the tables occupied by Castelo.
‘Are you all right, Boss?’
‘I’m lovely. Don’t you look smart! Your trousers are new! Sit next to me.’
Beaming, he scooted over on the bench and slapped the clear space with one
hand.
‘I see you’re violently cheerful,’ Gaddes observed, sitting down.
‘You smell nice! What’s made you smell nice?’
‘The barber gave me a shave and sloshed cologne on me. I believe I’m supposed
to smell like sandalwood.’
‘I’m so glad I don’t have to wear sandals made of wood. They sound terribly
uncomfortable. And clogs. Clogs are horrible. Why do you think anyone invented
clogs?’
‘Penance, possibly? Oruto, how many has he had?’
‘I don’t know. You’re his bender babysitter,’ Oruto replied.
‘He’s very good at that,’ Allen said perkily. ‘Last time I got drunk he put me
to bed and everything.’
‘I’m sure no-one wants to hear about that,’ Gaddes said quickly, inadvertently
sounding rather prim. He was afraid that whatever he had drunk had loosened
Allen’s tongue sufficiently for him to breach diplomacy again, more
dangerously. He’s unbelievably cute when he’s tipsy. He’s probably had spirits,
that’s the problem. He’s fine with wine but he always overestimates his
capacity for spirits.
‘Guess what? I like gin now!’ Allen said brightly, removing all doubt. ‘And it
is very, very good for you to drink gin and tonic because the tonic water
contains quinine which protects you from malaria!’
‘Oh? Good. Jolly good. So it’s practically medicinal, then?’
‘Exactly! You always understand.’ He plunked his head down on Gaddes’ shoulder.
‘You’re my very best friend.’
‘I’ve always thought that the point at which you start telling me I’m your
bestest friend is the point where you’ve had enough,’ Gaddes said, gently
shrugging him off.
‘Wanting to save me from making a twit of myself is just more proof that you’re
a good friend,’ Allen said, a little more sensibly, sitting up and passing a
hand through his hair. ‘I shouldn’t drink in public, should I? I’m making as
much of an exhibition of myself as you were with Miss Lillee.’
‘Only without as much shouting and profanity.’
‘She’s really an awfully nice girl,’ Allen said.
‘That’s what I told you.’ Gaddes looked at him appraisingly. ‘I’m just
wondering how much I can sober you up before we’ve got to ride home.’
‘I’m unsoberuppable,’ Allen said, and grinned cheekily, poking his tongue out
between his teeth.
‘I don’t know, maybe if I stuck your head under the pump outside and gave you a
good soaking…’
‘You’d do that to your commanding officer? Fie for shame! Fie, I say! What does
fie mean?’
‘It’s the bit between yer knee and yer ‘ip,’ Gaddes said, pointing.
‘That is not your real accent, bad man.’
‘Verray true. Zis ees. I ‘ave deesgahsed eet from you all alang.’
‘Idiot, I can’t even tell what accent that is,’ Allen said, laughing and
punching him in the shoulder.
‘Seriously, you going to be all right for the ride back? We might meet some
uglies on the way.’
‘Oh, I know – why, I’ve heard there are big bad wolves in the deep dark
forest.’ Allen shook back his hair and smiled peaceably. ‘Don’t worry, Gaddes.
I’ll be fine. I won’t fall off my horse or anything.’
By the time they were preparing to set off, he seemed to have recovered
considerably, and Gaddes’ worries were allayed. They mustered in the square,
and in the confusion of men and horses and baggage (shopping seemed to be
popular whether people were ‘gay’ or not), he didn’t notice Lillee until she
tiptoed up behind him and draped her arms around his neck.
‘Oh, are you leaving already?’ she lamented. ‘When will I see you again, my big
strong sergeant and God of Fffffffffffff-freebies?’
‘You’ll see me when you see me,’ he said cheerfully, reaching back and grabbing
a handful of her skirt so he could swing her around in front of him. ‘Watch
out. I might take you by surprise.’
‘You’re a very bad man.’
‘That’s what they tell me.’ Ducking his head, he whispered ‘Did you find what I
asked for?’
‘Of course I did.’ She pulled a paper-wrapped package out of her shoulder bag
and pushed it against his chest. ‘So gimme my money. Twenty bob all up.’
‘You’re kidding. That’s with a freebie?’
‘Silk isn’t cheap, Sam.’
‘All right… I think I’ve got enough…’ He dug in his pockets and managed to
produce the desired sum, although it meant pooling together a lot of his
smallest change. ‘There, you mercenary hussy.’
‘A girl’s got to make ends meet,’ she said, stowing the coins away and slinging
her arms around his neck again. ‘Now, are you going to kiss me good-bye?’
‘What, here?’ he asked, startled and embarrassed.
‘If we go back to my room you pay again.’
‘Okay, okay.’ He ducked his head again and dotted a kiss on her cheek.
‘I’m not your mother, Sam. Kiss me like you mean it.’ She planted her lips
firmly on his and held him there. He felt hideously awkward; it was the first
time he had kissed a woman, apart from, obviously, his mother and suchlike
female relatives, and it felt very peculiar; the waxy-slick texture of her
lipstick put him off somehow. He did his best to pretend that he was kissing
Allen, but Allen simply did not feel like this. He heard cheers and whistles,
and realised they’d been noticed. Aargh. Finally, she let him go, and laughed
at the look on his face.
‘You’re wearing most of my lipstick, Sam,’ she said cheerfully as she pulled
away. ‘Wipe your mouth!’ With that she turned and strutted away, blowing kisses
as she went. Clutching the brown-paper package, which felt very soft and
insubstantial, Gaddes scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his gloved hand. I
am not cut out for girl-kissing. That settles that. He looked up and saw Allen
sitting astride his horse, gazing down at him with a rather sardonic
expression, one eyebrow raised.
‘Shall I find you a stick to beat the women off with?’ he asked.
‘Nah, just lend me yours when you’re not using it.’ He pushed the package into
his saddlebag and swung himself up on horseback.
‘Shall we be going?’
‘I think we shall.’
 
About two thirds of the way back to Castelo, Allen guided his horse over close
to Gaddes’, to speak to him quietly. ‘Have you been noticing the whistles too?’
he asked.
‘Yeah. Like bird-calls, but not quite like. I think someone’s talking about
us.’
‘I’ve seen a few movements in the trees, too. They’re good at concealment, but
they give themselves away a little.’
‘We’ll be ready,’ Gaddes said. Over his shoulder, he made a gesture that they
had established as a warning to the men to be on their guard, hopefully without
tipping anyone else off that they were aware of their enemies. The signal would
be passed back along the line of soldiers, unobtrusively.
‘Are you sober now?’ he asked Allen conversationally.
‘As a judge,’ Allen said, nodding with assurance.
‘Good-oh.’
‘Ready for anything.’ They both paused and looked to the treeline.
‘If they had any sense of drama,’ Allen complained, in a low voice, ‘they would
have taken that as their cue.’
‘Yeah, and shouted something like “Are ya ready for this?” as they swarmed out
at us,’ Gaddes added.
‘Standards are declining all over.’
‘We’re a pair of intolerable smartarses.’
‘You see what I mean?’
At this point, they found themselves surrounded by armed men, without any more
fanfare than the rustling of parting foliage. Allen reined in his horse.
‘Oh good,’ he said brightly, ‘you’re here. Surrender peacefully and you’ll be
well treated. Put up a fight and we’ll make you feel a pain where you never had
an ache. I warn you, I’ve spent quite a pleasant day so far and I have no
intention of letting you spoil it.’
‘Yeah?’ said a thick-set man in grey. Without deigning to participate in
further banter, he gave a sharp jerk of his head and the bandits closed in.
It was a confused, unpleasant battle, with both sides hampered by the
narrowness of the trail and cleared area around it. The bandits’ strategy was
clearly to reduce the advantage of the mounted soldiers as quickly as possible,
attacking their horses’ legs and attempting to dismount them by all means
available. Some were pulled from the saddle by lassos dropped over their heads
and shoulders, and set at a serious disadvantage by the restriction of their
arms. Gaddes was one of these unlucky ones, but fortune reversed itself as the
noose slipped and he was able to shrug it off. His horse had already been borne
away by the jostling of others; he scrambled to his feet and prepared to defend
himself. After that, there was very little time for thought; everything was an
automatic reaction to being attacked, punches, slashes, kicks and stabs. To his
surprise and relief, his horse, half-panicked, came back within reach, unharmed
except for a few cuts on its flanks, and he swung back up to the saddle and got
his first decent look at what was going on. By now Castelo’s men were just
mopping up; he felt rather proud of how they’d managed when he was unable to
direct them. Then again, it had been basically a brawl, and brawling was what
most of them knew. Allen was, as he would expect, where the fighting was still
thickest. No decision necessary; he rode to help him.
Before long, it was over, and the post-battle reckoning up of injuries and
prisoners taken had to be dealt with. Happily, no-one from Castelo had fallen,
although three or four men were quite seriously hurt. A few horses had run off
or been souvenired by fleeing bandits; Oruto, who had not been so much as
scratched in the fight, was complaining bitterly about the loss of his
shopping.
The prisoners were bound together in single file, each with his hands fastened
to the waist of the man in front. Gaddes was assigned to bring up the rear, on
foot as he had given up his horse to Katz, who had probably broken his ankle
falling off his own; it was badly swollen and wouldn’t bear his weight.
Eventually they resumed their passage home. Gaddes walked with his sword drawn,
alert to the possibility of a rescue attempt by the escapers.
‘Are you going to keep pretending you don’t know me?’
At last he turned his head to look directly at the last prisoner in line. He
had been avoiding it for as long as possible. Nichol was not a pretty sight in
any case, with a black eye that was swollen closed and a split lip that made
him mumble. Gaddes wondered vaguely if he could find the man responsible and
shake his hand.
‘You were in town today,’ he said neutrally. ‘I didn’t say hello then. You
expect it now?’
‘Didn’t know you saw me,’ Nichol said, with an attempt at a smile that he had
to abandon as his lip started to bleed again. ‘Would’ve said hi, but you know
how it is, secrecy and all.’
‘Are you trying to sound friendly? It won’t get you anywhere. I’m gladder to
see you bound and beaten than I ever was to see you before.’
‘Cut me loose, Sam.’
‘No.’
‘After everything I’ve been to you, you won’t cut me loose?’
Gaddes stared at him for a moment, exasperated and astonished. ‘Think a bit
about what you’ve been to me. You wrecked my life. The fact that I’ve got it
back in order is no thanks to you. You’re going in the cooler, and then you’re
going to court. Jail next. Or maybe hanging; it’s up to the judge.’
‘You can’t let me go to jail, Sam. You can’t let them hang me. I wasn’t born to
hang.’
‘That’s a matter of opinion,’ Gaddes muttered, turning away to scan the bushes.
‘No-one’ll see if you do. Away at the back here.’
‘I don’t want to, Nichol. Just shut up.’
‘I’ll make it worth your while.’
‘I’ve got everything I want.’
‘How can you, out here?’ Nichol stared at him disbelievingly. ‘You’ve got
nothing. You are nothing. You’re under the thumb of a lacy prettyboy. Come with
me, Sam. It’ll be like old times. We can live like kings.’
‘Kings in caves and holes? Right. The idea of sleeping rough in the swamp with
you for company is really attractive, Nic. I’m not a boy you can impress any
more. I’m a man, I have a job I want to do, and I have some pride.’
‘Who got to you? I thought you had more brains than that.’ Nichol sounded
disgusted. ‘You’ve really got that much of a crush on blondie? You must’ve
heard the rumours about him. You respect a man who knocks women up and leaves
them?’
‘You just have no idea who you really are, do you?’ Gaddes said. ‘I’m actually
quite impressed by how far your idea of the world is from what the rest of us
call reality. Yeah, I respect him. There are rumours about me too. He has the
decency to ignore them. You can’t talk me into anything. You have nothing over
me any more.’
‘I could tell him all about you.’
‘And he could laugh in your face. You tried that last time we met you, if you
can remember, you fool.’
Obviously Nichol had, at least temporarily, forgotten that incident. His face
darkened as he recalled it.
‘You’re a faithless little bitch,’ he muttered.
‘You never kept faith with me, pal.’ Gaddes spoke lightly; he refused to let
Nichol see any disturbance in his mood. ‘Now shut up.’
To his relief, Nichol made no further attempts at conversation; he merely
glowered at the back of the man he was following. Soon Castelo was in sight.
The tension Gaddes felt , the worried tautness of his back and shoulders, did
not really ease until he had seen the cooler door locked and the key turned.
Comfortable ordinariness seemed to return to the world; he was able to do
things like going in search of his horse, unloading his saddlebags, sending a
messenger to bring a bonesetter for Katz and announce the attack and capture in
town. Finally he reported to Allen that all was well, under control.
‘And you’re all right, are you?’ Allen said, looking up from the report he was
writing out at his desk. ‘I saw you unhorsed but I couldn’t get to you.’
‘I was fine. Kicked some arse,’ Gaddes said cheerfully, sitting down on the
bed.
‘I thought you did,’ Allen said, smiling to himself as he finished and signed
the paper. ‘And… were you all right when you saw who we captured?’ He looked
up, more serious now.
‘I was fine,’ Gaddes said, crossing his legs jauntily. ‘The best part was
seeing him where he belongs, finally. I don’t want to think about him any more
tonight. I’d rather think about what I’m going to do to you after dinner.’
Allen bit his lip, looking worried. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.
‘Sure I’m sure. I want to repay you for the fun we had in that woodshed.’
‘I mean, are you sure you’re fine, and you don’t want to talk about it or
anything?’
‘As sure as I can be, Ally. I’ve had a great day, all up. That bastard going in
the lock-up was just the icing on the cake.’
‘As long as you’re really sure,’ Allen said, twiddling his pen between his
fingers uncertainly.
‘I’m really, really sure. Cheer up, love. I’ll have a surprise for you after
dinner.’
‘Really? What?’
‘If I tell you now, it won’t be a surprise after dinner.’ He smiled teasingly,
making Allen laugh.
‘Come on. Really. Give me a hint. Give me just a little hint.’ He got up from
his desk and came over, giving Gaddes a playful nudge.
‘No!’
‘I want a hint.’ He pouted, ridiculously, like a spoilt little boy.
‘What a face!’
‘If you give me a hint, I’ll do something nice…’ He sat down in Gaddes’ lap,
twining an arm around his shoulders.
‘All right.’
‘All right?’ Allen leaned closer, brushing Gaddes’ lips with a whisper of a
kiss.
‘It’s something nice.’
‘You’re horrible,’ Allen said, snorting with laughter and pushing him over on
his back, nipping at his lips, licking them, then taking them in a deep,
searching kiss. ‘I have ways of making you talk.’
‘Oh no you don’t.’
‘Oh yes I do.’ He launched a tickle-attack, going for the spots at the waist
and under the arms where he knew Gaddes was most vulnerable.
‘Ack! Stop it! That’s a way to make me piss myself!’
‘Tell me!’
‘No! Somebody save me!’ It was delicious to wrestle with Allen, to feel his
slender, strong body squirming and pushing against his own, to grab at his
hips, rump, thighs, sneak in kisses, finally roll and pin him, thrusting his
tongue into the wet warmth of his mouth as they found a rhythm together,
rocking and rubbing through rough layers of clothing, striving for quick
release, a breathless rush for both.
‘You’re just awful,’ Allen whispered, stroking Gaddes’ hair back from his
forehead. ‘Now I’ll have to change my pants before dinner.’
‘Mm… me too… good thing I bought new ones.’
‘I would like you to get some very tight black velvet pants. Ones that hug your
bottom and your thighs. Ones that I could just peel off you.’ He kissed the
side of Gaddes’ neck, licking away a drop of sweat. ‘Is that my surprise?’
‘No, honey… my budget won’t stretch to black velvet pants.’
‘I’ll buy you a pair some other time, then. Mm… I want to dress you in black
velvet pants and a black silk shirt.’
‘I’ll give you a clue… it’s something to wear… but something for you to wear.’
‘Is it velvet? Is it silk? Is it leather?’
‘No more clues! Go and change your pants.’ Leather!? Good God! That takes me
into new daydream territory. He sent Allen off with a swat across his bottom
and hurried away to change himself, trying to dispel the mental images he
suddenly had of Allen in slick black leather or soft tawny buckskin. It was
going to be a bit of a trial waiting through dinner.
It was worse than he’d thought; everyone wanted to celebrate victory with
drinks and singing and bragging. I should’ve seen that coming. He went for
diplomacy and blokishness with all his might, the only relief lay in seeing
that Allen was getting wonderfully tipsy again. After standing up on a table to
sing ‘Clementine,’ he simply fell off, trusting Gaddes to catch him, which he
only just managed to do. This inspired a new game in which people climbed up on
the table and jumped off to be caught by a mob of others; Gaddes just
concentrated on dragging Allen clear and dusting him off.
‘I rather think,’ said Allen, giggling and wiping his eyes, ‘I’m ready to be
put to bed.’
‘You’re the old original one-pot squealer, you know that?’ Gaddes helped him to
his feet.
‘I kissed her little sister and forgot my Clementine,’ Allen sang.
‘Unfortunately, her little sister isn’t old enough to be kissed yet. Tragic
really.’ He lurched up against Gaddes, apparently losing his footing, and
whispered ‘Will you help me forget my Clementine?’
‘Control yourself,’ Gaddes muttered, trying not to show what a thrill that
whisper gave him. ‘I’m just putting him to bed,’ he called out, to whom it
might concern, and was completely ignored.
‘You worry too much,’ Allen said, hooking an arm around his waist and pulling
him towards the stairs.
‘When you’re drunk, you don’t worry enough.’ He suppressed a hiccup as they
negotiated the staircase. ‘I’m a little buzzed myself, but do you catch me
groping you?’
‘That wasn’t groping you, this is groping you,’ Allen said, pushing his hand
between Gaddes’ thighs and grabbing at him.
‘Shit, Allen! Watch out!’
‘No-one can see us. We’re round the corner.’
‘Yeah, but you’ll bruise my plums.’
‘Big red plums,’ Allen said, giggling and falling against him unexpectedly so
that they both staggered into the wall. ‘Sweet juicy plums… can I nibble them?’
‘Good God, no. A little gentle sucking is the most I can manage down there.’
‘Mmm…’ Allen leaned heavily against him and kissed his mouth, sucking at his
lower lip. ‘Salty plums, I should’ve said,’ he added as he drew back, breathing
heavily. ‘Give me a taste?’
‘Not till we’re in your room. And you’ve forgotten… I have a surprise for you.’
‘Oh! Surprise! Yay!’ Allen leapt away and dived through the door to his room. A
moment later he popped his head out. ‘Do you have it with you?’
‘No,’ said Gaddes, trying not to laugh at him, ‘I’m just going to get it out of
my room. Go and lie down before you hurt yourself.’
‘I might lie down with no clothes on,’ Allen half-sang as he disappeared again.
‘I’m so lucky to be in love with someone mental,’ Gaddes murmured, shaking his
head and chuckling softly to himself as he went to get Lillee’s parcel.
Allen had fulfilled his threat/promise/whatever; he was lying naked on top of
the bedcovers, playing with his hair with one hand and his cock with the other.
He gave Gaddes a sweet little aren’t-I-naughty smile as he came in, twitching a
lock of hair to tickle his lips.
‘You’ve started without me,’ Gaddes said, pretending to be disappointed. He
kicked the door shut with a feeling of freedom at last.
‘I’ll be good,’ Allen said, snatching his hands away and putting them behind
his head.
‘Oh, come off it… I know you… you’re so bad.’ Gaddes threw the parcel to the
end of the bed and climbed on, straddling Allen’s body, kissing his lips, then
nuzzling his way down over his throat and chest.
‘Do you still love me?’ Allen murmured, propping himself up on his elbows a
little to watch him.
‘I still love you,’ Gaddes answered, shifting further down and wrapping a
gentle hand around the stiffening rosy shaft.
‘How much?’
‘This much.’ He flicked the tip of his tongue against the swollen head, feeling
the whole thing twitch and thicken at the stimulation.
‘Ohh… only that much?’
‘This much.’ He parted his lips and kissed the head, rolling his tongue against
it, softly sucking, opening his mouth wider to take it in with a moan. Allen’s
whole body responded; he drew his legs up sharply, gasping, as his hands
reached down to stroke Gaddes’ hair. He kept his eyes fixed on Gaddes’, the
sustained contact seeming to deepen the intensity of feeling for both of them.
My sweet boy, mouth open, rosy lips, rocking his hips while I suck him, those
burning blue eyes!
‘Love me… love me…’ Allen breathed.
‘Mm…’ He spared a hand to stroke Allen’s thighs, then ventured up between them
to tickle under his balls.
‘Oh God – yes – go there…’ Allen squirmed, spreading his legs wider, quivering
with delight as Gaddes’ fingers found the taut inch of skin they sought, and
pressed, and stroked. He lost control as the tip of a forefinger grazed the
tight opening, the anticipation of pleasure to come tipping him over the edge,
filling Gaddes’ mouth with salt as a burning pulse of joy convulsed him.
‘You wanted that, didn’t you?’ Gaddes murmured, drawing back and licking him
clean.
‘I can never seem to last very long when you use your mouth like that,’ Allen
said, smiling weakly. ‘And when you use your mouth and your fingers I’m
helpless.’ He wriggled his hips a little, enjoying the backrush of tingling
warmth. ‘You know I want lots more, don’t you? I want that feeling where it’s
like you’ve taken me apart and rubbed every bit till it shines, and put me back
together. And I don’t know who or what or where I am and I don’t give a damn
because whoever I am, I’m so happy!’
‘I’ll try,’ Gaddes promised, sitting up and pushing his fingers through his
hair. ‘Just don’t forget you’re my sweet little love.’
‘I never forget that.’ He gave Gaddes a little shove with his knee. ‘You went
and distracted me from your surprise. At least I hope you did, because you
going down on me is not the surprise it once was.’
‘No, I have a real surprise for you. Close your eyes.’
‘Mm…’ Allen closed them and elaborately laid his hands over them, smiling
expectantly.
‘No peeping.’
‘I promise.’ He wriggled again, making Gaddes laugh at his cuteness.
‘You’re such a daft little darling.’
‘Less talking, more surprising. I can hear you rustling paper.’
‘Yes, I’m unwrapping it.’
‘Is it nice, or awful?’
‘A bit of both.’
‘Best of both worlds.’
Gaddes flattened out the paper and got his first good look at what Lillee had
bought. He was no judge of ladies’ underwear but it all looked very pretty;
rose and lemon and periwinkle silk, and one pair of softest white cotton,
broderie anglaise, with lace at the edges, like something a bride would wear
for her wedding night. He still wasn’t sure it did anything in particular for
him, but when it was a treat for Allen it was his response that mattered. He
chose the rosy-pink ones, embroidered with butterflies – that must be some kind
of fashion now, he supposed – and turned to lay them gently over Allen’s lap,
spreading them out to cover everything they would if he was wearing them
properly. Allen breathed in softly at the touch of the cool silk.
‘Can I look?’ he asked.
‘Nearly,’ Gaddes said, tugging the – what would you call it on ladies’
underwear, crotch wasn’t a very feminine word – anyway, the between-the-legs
bit down a little lower. ‘Now you may look,’ he said.
Allen opened his eyes, looked down, gasped in astonishment and began to laugh
hysterically.
‘Gaddes, you’re awful! You’re so awful!’
‘Aw, don’t you like ‘em?’
‘I love them! I never thought you’d get something like this for me! Oh, look at
the little flutterbies – I mean butterflies – I’m putting these on right now!’
He grabbed Gaddes in a hug and gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek before
jumping off the bed. ‘And you get your clothes off right now. I won’t have you
sitting there respectably dressed while I run around in little pink panties.’
‘There’s blue and yellow and white, too. If you want to ring the changes.’
‘Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness! I can wear a different pair every day!’
‘You’re going to wear these in the day?’ Gaddes asked, pulling his shirt off
over his head.
‘Sometimes. To give myself a treat.’
‘Oh boy. You’re going to be interesting on those days!’ He pulled down his
trousers and glanced up at Allen, who was stepping into the panties very slowly
and almost reverently. I really shouldn’t laugh at him but he’s so funny about
this. And so sweet…
‘They feel really strange going on,’ Allen murmured. ‘I’ve never worn underwear
this, um, this tight… it’s always been shorts before…’ He eased the waistband
up over his rear, and carefully arranged himself in the front. ‘I’m all bundled
up,’ he said, more to himself than to Gaddes.
‘Oh, wow,’ said Gaddes softly.
‘What?’ Allen looked at him over his shoulder.
‘Jeez… I didn’t realise I was going to feel like this about it till I saw you
in them.’
‘Do you like me this way?’ A shy smile.
‘I can’t believe how much I like you. Do you know how hot you look?’
‘No,’ Allen said, pulling a discontented face. ‘The mirror’s too small for me
to see myself below the shoulders.’ He strained up on his tiptoes and tried
leaning back. ‘Useless thing. Maybe if I stand on a stool.’
‘Just come here, sweetie. Let me see you closer.’ Sitting on the edge of the
bed in his own, rather unglamorous underwear, he beckoned to Allen. Still with
that sweet, shy smile, Allen came over and stood before him, between his parted
thighs.
‘They feel nice when I walk, too,’ he said. ‘Although they do have a bit of a
tendency to go up my bum.’ He reached back and tugged them loose, looking
awkward for a moment. ‘Like you,’ he added, giving Gaddes a cheeky little grin.
Silently, Gaddes reached out, placing both hands on Allen’s hips, gently
passing them over the silk, down to his thighs. He knew he was staring, and he
was embarrassed, but he couldn’t help it.
‘What is it that you like?’ Allen whispered, resting his hands on Gaddes’
shoulders.
‘I think… I think the way they let me see shapes, but no details… the outlines
of your body… this sweet pink-silk bulge…’ He slid his hand up the inside of
Allen’s thigh, letting it come to rest softly cupped, feeling the warm weight
of what it held.
‘Mm…’ Allen closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. Gaddes slipped the fingers of
his other hand under the elastic of the legline, gently moving around and back
until his whole hand was under the silk, cupped around Allen’s buttock.
‘I hope there’s some stretch in them,’ Gaddes whispered, leaning his forehead
against Allen’s stomach.
‘I don’t know,’ Allen murmured. ‘I might be going to pop right out.’ He let his
arms rest on Gaddes’ shoulders, hands stroking his back, feeling the warm moist
flutter of his breathing against his stomach. He felt more beautiful than he
ever had; his pulse was thumping and the pleasant drunken dizziness seemed to
increase with each breath. Gaddes nuzzled against the slight lower curve of his
belly, finding his way blind, tracing a path with his lips to the trace of red-
gold curls just visible above the waistband.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, licking Allen’s stomach, nudging the tip of his
tongue under the elastic and sweeping it from side to side. Withdrawing his
tongue, he rubbed his cheekbone against the hardness building behind the silk,
then licked again, giving Allen a strange caress of warmth and dampness without
direct contact. The silk was straining now, inadequate to contain his erection.
‘Oh…’ Allen felt him begin to tug down the waistband. ‘No…’
‘No?’
‘I want to keep them on.’
‘Can’t I just pull them down in the front?’
‘Let me out at the side. Tug the gusset over.’
‘Gusset? That’s the word for this bit? Not much of an improvement on crotch.’
He released Allen’s cock, pulling the fabric to one side, tucking his finger in
so the elastic wouldn’t snap back on him. He began licking from the base as his
free hand squeezed the tip, then impulsively moved down to kiss Allen’s balls,
easing them out from behind the silk.
‘Oh Lord…’ Allen’s thighs began to shake; his knees felt weak and ready to
buckle.
‘Come on and lie down.’ Gaddes guided him onto the bed; he lay on his side, one
leg raised and draped over Gaddes’ shoulder, as he nuzzled in between his
thighs, giving little wet kisses to his balls, wetting the silk as well as his
skin.
‘Oh God…’ Allen dug his nails into the mattress, feeling a finger nudge in
under the elastic, probing between his buttocks, rubbing over the puckered
opening, gently spreading it, while Gaddes’ mouth swallowed up the tingling
sac. So that the elastic would give more over that area, he had let Allen’s
penis slip back inside; it was straining hard against the silk, its oily
secretions making a wet patch where the head pushed blindly outward. Gaddes
began to hum softly as he sucked, rolling Allen’s balls over his tongue. If he
had felt helpless before, that was nothing to this; he could only lie and
tremble, clutching at himself through damp silk, his cheeks wet too as his eyes
watered with the sheer intensity of the pleasure. That gently invading finger
found his most vulnerable spot, pressed it and stroked it; fire stabbed up his
spine, making his back arch sharply. He lost track of time; it seemed to go on
forever, taking him to the edge of pain but never quite making him feel its
sharpness. When he came, squeezing Gaddes’ head between his thighs, he felt a
faint weak flutter of relief that it would end now; any feeling so strong was
hard to bear. He was flying, floating, wrapped in a cloud of whipped cream and
candied rose petals, absolute luxurious sweetness. Gaddes released him, slowly,
with many kisses, tucking his wet balls gently back inside the panties, guiding
the elastic back into contact with his skin so that when he released it there
would be no painful snap.
‘Was that pretty good?’ he asked casually, lifting his head..
Allen nodded, exhausted.
‘Look where it’s come thrugh the silk,’ Gaddes said, touching the white blobs
that had oozed through the fine weave. ‘You’ll need to wash these.’ He bent
again to lick the mess away. ‘Allen?’
‘Hmm?’
‘There’s something I still need to do. Can you take it?’
‘I’ll… I’ll try to…’
‘You look pretty tired.’
‘It’s all right. Come on.’ He rolled on his front, pulling the silk to one
side, offering himself.
‘Thank you…’ Gaddes touched his tongue to the reddened opening, skin softly
swollen with arousal and friction, and felt Allen twitch and quiver. ‘Do you
like it here?’
‘Ngh…’
‘Yes or no?’
‘Yes…’ He turned his head and bit the pillow, pushing against the pressure of
Gaddes’ tongue, wanting to open himself wider and wider, let him do anything,
everything. He felt fingers slip inside and stroke in and out, keeping him
purring while Gaddes dug through the nightstand drawer trying to find some
cream or lotion. Successful, he shared the cool lubricant between his own skin
and Allen’s, rubbing together in a slippery muddle, until the head of his cock
hit the opening almost by accident, pressing home eagerly. Allen felt the
familiar sharp, sweet stretching, the invading fulness, the pressure that sent
an electric jolt straight through him. Gaddes groaned softly as he slid in,
burying his full length in Allen’s body, feeling that tight warmth envelop him
again; sometimes he thought he lived his life in between moments like this,
always on his way to another, always wanting and working to get back to this
point, this feeling of Allen accepting him, his love and desire. He bent low
over his body, breathing in the scent of his sweating skin, fighting to control
himself.
‘I can feel you trying to hold back,’ Allen breathed. ‘Don’t. Just let yourself
go.’
‘I don’t want to be rough.’
‘That’s funny... I want you to…’
‘Rough with my pink panty-princess?’
A little gust of laughter escaped from Allen. ‘Don’t you dare call me that.’
‘In your pretty pink princess pants?’ He snapped the elastic against Allen’s
buttock.
‘Gaddes!’
‘Am I being awful?’ He eased back and drove himself in, enjoying hearing Allen
grunt and catch his breath.
‘Yes!’
‘Want me to stop?’
‘God, no…’
‘I’ve felt it inside me all day, where you were…’ He drew back again, then slid
deep inside, inhaling the musky scent of Allen’s tumbled hair. He shifted his
right hand from Allen’s hip down to slip into the front of his underwear,
seeking and stroking his cock, feeling it reawaken under his touch.
‘Ohhhh…’ Allen’s hips jerked; he reared back against Gaddes, covering his hand
with his own, pulling them up and down rapidly. Together they found a rhythm,
quickening as their heartbeats hammered, climbing, straining for the peak.
Gaddes felt the pulse deep in his groin, an echo of the throb in his rear,
still feeling the ghost of Allen’s earlier penetration. With every stroke the
slipping silk rubbed against him; the heat grew fiercer and sweeter and tighter
and Allen’s cries spurred him on.
‘Aah!’ Boiling sweetness rushed through him, a blissful convulsion of every
muscle. Insistently, Allen tugged at his hand, panting as he drew himself
closer to his own climax, finally crying out in delight as the heavens opened.
‘All right,’ said Gaddes, out of breath, ‘all right… I had my doubts about your
knickers but they were a good idea. A good idea.’ He slumped down, resting his
cheek on Allen’s shoulder. ‘My God.’
‘And I kept them on the whole time,’ said Allen, sounding proud of himself.
Gaddes laughed and pinched him gently.
‘You know who we’ve got to thank for this? My nice friend Lillee. Procurer of
pretty pink panties for princesses and perverts.’
‘Really? I did wonder…’ He pulled Gaddes’ arms around him, kissing his hands as
he rolled the two of them onto their sides. ‘Stay here all night.’
‘I always do.’
‘No, stay in here all night.’ He wriggled his hips.
‘I might sort of slip out later on. As I soften up.’
‘I just want to doze off feeling you still inside me… feeling us joined
together… I love you.’
‘Love you too.’ He snuggled closer. ‘We’re going to get cold.’
‘I wonder if we can get under the covers without getting unstuck.’ With some
struggling and suppressed laughter, they managed it and nestled down together.
‘I can feel my heart beating in my bottom,’ Allen said dreamily.
‘Didn’t know you had a migratory heart.’ He nuzzled Allen’s shoulder. ‘How do
we know it’s in the right place?’
‘We’re talking rubbish. We’re sleepy and drunk.’
‘I know, doesn’t it feel great?’
‘Are you really, really happy?’
‘Of course I am. Can’t you tell?’
‘I just like hearing you say it. Good night.’
‘Good night.’
My new love is in my arms and my old love is in a cell. Not bad for a day’s
work.
 
‘You’ve got to be kidding.’
‘No. They must’ve planned it together when they were in the cooler. I’m really
sorry, Sarge. I mean, what was I s’posed to do? This guy had a knife against my
throat. I don’t know where he got it from, we searched them all.’ Katz looked
down at his feet, miserably contrite, rubbing at the livid mark on his neck..
‘Shit. Shit, shit shit. I should’ve gone myself.’ Gaddes walked away, stiffly,
and gave a good hard kick to a barrel minding its own business in a corner of
the barracks yard.
‘With respect, Sarge, if they’d held a knife on you what would you have done?
The others couldn’t help me. He would just have cut. We were stuck.’
‘I know. I know. I just should’ve known what was the important thing to take
care of today. Not rebuilding that blockhouse. Shit! Okay, dismissed. Wasn’t
your fault.’
He turned and hurried away, into the main building and up the stairs to Allen’s
room, where he found him cleaning and sharpening his sword.
‘Hallo,’ Allen said, looking up, pleasantly surprised, ‘you’re early today.’
‘Business, not pleasure,’ Gaddes said shortly. ‘You know how we sent Katz with
some men to take the prisoners down to Lamor to the jail?’
‘What happened?’
‘One of them pulled a knife from somewhere and got Katz round the neck. Made
them let all the damn’ bandits go. When the one holding Katz let go and ran for
it, they managed to catch some back, and those ones did go to Lamor, but it was
less than half. A bunch of them are loose again.’
‘Oh, damn,’ Allen said. ‘Is Katz all right?’ Swiftly, efficiently, he put away
the things he was working with and replaced the sword in its sheath.
‘He’s fine. He feels like crap.’
‘Well… well, looking on the bright side, most of them were injured. We’d taken
their weapons and money. They’re not exactly a force to be reckoned with at
present. We’ll simply put out a double-strength night patrol. That should mop
most of them up.’
‘I know, I know. It’s just…’
‘You feel like “crap” as well?’
‘I should’ve been there.’
‘In hindsight, I suppose you should. But we made our plans for today; there’s
no going back on our decisions. Let’s just deal with the results as best we
can.’
Gaddes blinked; he had been expecting Allen to reassure him that there was
nothing he could have done, that no blame attached to him. That would have let
him off his conscience.
‘Don’t waste your time berating yourself, Gaddes,’ Allen said, laying a hand
briefly on his shoulder as he went out the door. ‘Everyone makes mistakes. This
was my mistake too.’
I suppose that’s better than nothing.
 
Three days later, delivering the last of the mop-up efforts’ yield, he stood in
the Lamor courthouse office reading over the list of names of men taken in with
a sinking feeling. Nichol did not appear. He knew he wasn’t among the prisoners
he had brought today – brought himself, with a very watchful eye. Someone had
pointed out in the mess that it was possible the fateful knife had been hidden,
to put it delicately, in a body cavity. Sometimes men did that so they could
defend themselves in prison. It was possible a bandit had been carrying a
weapon that way as a precaution. It had therefore been necessary to conduct an
unprecedentedly full search of every man they now captured. The squeamishness
of the men of Castelo at this prospect was hardly to be overstated.
‘You’ve got gloves on,’ Gaddes had pointed out. ‘All you have to do is stick a
couple of fingers in and see if you can feel anything solid.’
‘It’s bloody disgusting,’ Oruto complained, glancing without enthusiasm at the
backside of the prisoner under discussion..
‘I second that,’ the prisoner muttered.
‘Quiet,’ said Gaddes. ‘Am I going to have to do all this myself, for crying out
loud? Look. Like this. Give me a glove. Thank you. In – shut up – feel around
quickly, out. Done. Clear.’
‘I told you that,’ the prisoner said, wincing as he pulled up his pants.
‘Yes, but the crazy thing is, we didn’t believe you. Reeden, take him back to
the cooler. Oruto, think you can carry on now?’
‘Dunno how you’re so matter of fact about it,’ Oruto muttered.
‘Pretend they’re livestock,’ Gaddes suggested. ‘Like you’re lambing a ewe.’
‘You don’t put your hand up a ewe’s arse, Sarge. That’s not where lambs come
from.’
‘So I’m a city boy. Humour me.’
‘For God’s sake don’t do this,’ said the next prisoner, clutching at his belt,
wide-eyed. ‘We’ll all go to Hell.’
‘My good man, I believe your ticket’s already booked. A finger up the bum more
or less isn’t going to make that much of a difference. If it makes you feel any
better, this isn’t fun for anyone. Go on, Oruto.’ He wanted to get away from
this whole situation as fast as possible. It was surely only a matter of time
before it all made someone think of his record. Besides which, it made him
damned uncomfortable seeing men doing this to each other in such a context. He
was all too aware of how violated the prisoners must feel, but what the hell
was he supposed to do? He tried to tell himself that they deserved it for being
thieving, murdering bastards. It still didn’t sit well.
And Nichol was still out and about somewhere.
 
‘Sergeant? Mr Gaddes?’
He turned from a polite inspection of the rattlesnake bracelet lady’s wares,
and saw a young woman with a floral scarf tied over her hair, brushing away an
errant wisp that had blown into her eyes. It was a dry, windy market day, and
dust skirled amidst the stalls set up in Castelo’s main yard.
‘Umm… Marghetta?’
‘That’s right,’ she said, smiling rather unhappily. ‘I’m Lillee’s friend.’
‘Oh? Is Lil here today?’ He looked around, hoping he wasn’t going to be
ambushed.
‘Then you haven’t heard.’
‘Heard what?’
‘I thought I should come up today and see. I mean, I know she liked you. Is
there somewhere quieter we can talk?’
‘Yeah, come on.’ He led her to the hangar, full of apprehension, wondering
about that past-tense liked.
‘Has she left town?’ he asked as they slipped through the small door,
hopefully.
‘No… she died this week.’
‘Oh no. No,’ he said flatly, blankly. Somehow he felt he’d known that before
she said anything, had known it since she first spoke to him. ‘What happened? I
haven’t seen her for a while… did she get sick?’
‘She was killed.’
‘Oh… shit…’ He felt knocked sideways by this. He hadn’t thought of Lillee as a
particularly close friend. She was someone he’d paid for favours. But the
thought that someone had put a violent end to that smile, that laugh, made his
heart contract painfully. He stepped back, feeling behind himself with one
hand, and found the bench against the wall, lowering himself carefully. He
found the presence of mind to speak. ‘Do you… do you want to sit down?’
‘Thanks.’ She sat down beside him, holding her handbag in her lap. He found
himself noticing that she smelled strongly, pathetically, of cheap perfume,
patchouli.
‘When you say killed… an accident?’
Marghetta shook her head. ‘A customer. It’s an occupational hazard. A bit like
for you, eh?’ She attempted a small, tight smile. ‘I haven’t seen it happen
before. It’s scared me. I’m thinking about leaving. Trying to find something
else… maybe in the city…’
‘What happened? Why would a customer murder her? It was murder, not some kind
of… mistake, something that went wrong?’
‘She was stabbed and her throat was cut,’ she said. ‘I was going past in the
hall and I heard her scream. I ran back down the hall and had trouble with the
door… when I got it open the window was swinging open and whoever he was was
gone, and Lil was just… her life was bleeding away… she was dead when the
doctor came.’ She started to cry, quietly. Gaddes listened vaguely for a few
moments before remembering himself and offering her his handkerchief.
‘I’m scared,’ Marghetta wept, crumpling the white cotton in her fist. ‘We don’t
know who he was. What if he comes back and asks for me and I don’t know it’s
him? What if he wants to kill all of us? There was a lunatic in Daedalus who
was doing that… it was in the papers…’
‘Is there some way someone could keep an eye on you?’ Gaddes asked. He felt as
if he was only thinking about this with half his brain. The other half was
numb.
‘Nuh-no.’ She looked up at him, her eyes ringed with dissolving mascara. ‘Can
you help me? Please? When Lillee talked about you she said you were a nice boy,
and you’re from Pallas… I’m afraid to just go to the city, I don’t know
anyone.’
‘I… I don’t know, I could try…’ He tried to think. ‘I could… I could give you a
letter of introduction… I don’t know anyone much, but I’ve got an uncle with a
fish shop. You want to work in a fish shop?’
‘I could manage that.’
‘I’ll ask the Boss. He could probably fix you up with something better. You
could be… I don’t know, a lady’s maid or something. I’ll… I’ll ask him.’ He
pushed his fingers through his hair, restlessly. ‘God… poor Lillee…’
‘And can I stay here please? I don’t feel safe in town…’
‘Yeah, yes, whatever you want…’ He patted her shoulder, awkwardly.
‘I’m sorry… I’m asking you to help me and you must be so upset…’ She blew her
nose, calming down now that she had his assurance of protection.
‘Well… I wasn’t in love with her… she was just my friend… do they, I mean, the
town constables, are they anywhere near catching him?’
‘No. No-one can remember seeing him meet her. They don’t know who to look for.
No-one saw anyone running away outside, or anything.’
‘God.’ He shook himself, trying to shake off the numbness. ‘Well… someone like
that might hide out in the swamp, I guess… we may pick him up…’
‘You won’t know it’s him either.’
‘God… it’s so random. It’s like that story where an eagle was carrying a
tortoise in its claws and dropped it and it fell on a guy’s head and killed
him. Out of the sky.’
‘Except someone meant to do it,’ Marghetta said, wiping her eyes with a clean
corner of the hanky. ‘I don’t know very much about her past. I was new and she
was nice to me, so I called her my friend but I didn’t know her well. Maybe he
was an old enemy or something.’ She seemed to prefer that thought to the
lunatic with a grudge against prostitutes theory; being personal to Lillee, the
threat died with her.
‘Poor, poor Lillee.’ I should have done something for her. Should have got her
a different job. Just because she never asked doesn’t mean she didn’t want
that. She wouldn’t be dead if I had done something, if I had realised I should
do something… She was a lovely girl. She was kind and she liked to laugh. She
should have been someone’s sweetheart, someone’s wife, someone’s mother, they
should have treasured her. And she bled to death in a dirty bed. Maybe the same
bed she took me to, when she didn’t want to take a customer who would have hurt
her. She looked to me for protection, for safety, she trusted me and I didn’t
save her. His eyes felt hot but dry; he couldn’t cry.
‘I’ll talk to the Boss,’ he promised Marghetta. ‘You can stay here as long as
you want to and we’ll set you on your way safely. Don’t worry. We’ll see you
right.’
‘Thank you. Thanks heaps. You were the only person I could think of.’ She gave
him a watery smile. ‘Would you like something? Can I show you my appreciation?’
‘Shit, no. You don’t have to do that. I couldn’t ask you. Besides, if you’re
going to get a different job it’s better to forget you ever did that.’ And I
can’t think of anything I’d like less than a grope with a scared girl whose
face is all blubbered with tears. Crying is so ugly on most people…
‘You’re a real gentleman,’ she said, mopping again at her eyes and smearing the
mascara about. ‘Lillee always said that.’
‘I have to go… I’ll find the Boss… you can sit here till you feel better, all
right? There’s a pump at the back if you want to wash your face or anything.
And then wait for me in the mess – you know where the mess is? If anyone wants
to do business just tell them you’re waiting for me. It’ll all be all right.’
He hurried away.
For some reason, he didn’t begin with Lillee’s story; he told Allen about
Marghetta alone, in a hasty whisper by the pottery stall where he found him. He
didn’t look impressed.
‘I didn’t realise you had such a wide circle of acquaintances among the ladies
of the night,’ Allen said a little sourly. He turned away and picked up a blue-
glazed mug, looking inside it for flaws.
‘She needs help, Boss. She doesn’t want to do that any more.’
‘Has it just suddenly become too much for her delicate sensibilities? Has she
developed a distaste for degradation?’
‘She’s afraid. Her friend just got murdered. Lillee got murdered, Boss.’
Allen looked up, clearly shocked. ‘Why didn’t you say so in the first place?
Are you all right?’
‘I’m not important, Boss, Lillee is important. And Marghetta. I can’t help
Lillee and I can’t help Marghetta alone. Will you help me do something for her?
You’ve got to know someone who could give her an honest job, a clean start. We
could fake her up a reference or something.’
‘A reference from me doesn’t go far,’ Allen said. ‘People are most likely to
assume that she’s a mistress I’ve grown tired of but don’t wish to throw out
unprovided for.’
‘What about someone who trusts you, and hasn’t heard the rumours? Princess
Millerna?’
‘Gaddes! You’re asking me to install a prostitute in a princess’ household?
Think of Millerna’s morals! What sort of influence will this Marghetta of yours
be on her?’
‘She doesn’t have to be any kind of influence! She can just sweep the floors! I
don’t know, Boss, I just want to find her somewhere that’s safe.’
Allen bit his lip, thinking. ‘I can’t very well afford it, but I suppose I
could employ her myself.’
‘Employ her? Like here?’
‘No, at my house. It’s just outside Pallas.’
‘I didn’t know you had a house.’
‘Of course I have a house. Where do you think I came from? Under a gooseberry
bush?’
‘I thought it was sold, or… or lost or something…’
‘One doesn’t lose a house and a sizeable estate so easily. It’s shut up, of
course, with most rooms in dust-covers. The only people living there now are
the steward and some garden staff. You do understand, don’t you, that if I gave
this girl a place she must absolutely leave behind her former profession? I
will not have the house my mother died in become a brothel.’
‘Of course. She doesn’t want to live that way any more. I told you.’
‘Housemaid, then, I suppose. Yes. I’ll write to Stevens. And goodness knows
what he will think, but I can’t live my life in fear of Stevens’ disapproval.
He already thinks I have an obnoxious tendency to scuff the skirting-boards. I
suppose I can’t go down much further in his estimation. Very well, then, you
may tell Marghetta a place has been found for her.’
‘Thank you, Boss. Really, thank you.’
‘You’re making this up to me later, you know,’ Allen said, giving him the
merest flicker of a secret look. ‘And are you sure you’re all right? I know you
were fond of that girl…’
‘I have to be all right, don’t I? I’m not the one who got her throat cut by a
man I had to let fuck me for money.’ He was shocked at himself as the words
slipped out; Allen looked as if he’d been slapped.
‘Language, Sergeant,’ he said, a little coldly. ‘I understand if you’re upset
but you have no excuse for profanity.’
‘I’m sorry, sir.’
‘Go and give the girl the good news, then. I’ll write a letter as soon as I
have time.’
Brilliant. Now I’ve offended him. I will have to make it up to him and no
mistake. He hurried away to the mess hall.
 
‘Are you still sad about Lillee?’ Allen swung the lantern up to look into
Gaddes’ face. ‘It’s been nearly a month. Miss Marghetta is long gone to a
shining career as a housemaid in the service of the Schezars. And yet I keep
seeing you with that moping look on your face. I’ll begin to think you loved
her more than me.’
‘Don’t be dumb.’ Gaddes pushed aside some snagging vines and let Allen go ahead
of him on the path. ‘It’s just… something like that, it shakes you up. It made
me think about… about how that could have been me.’
‘I think not,’ Allen said. ‘You may have been exploited, but you never
prostituted yourself.’
‘I could have, though. That’s something that could’ve happened to me. In jail,
or if I’d got a dishonourable discharge. What if I couldn’t find honest work?
What if someone forced me to it? I could’ve gone down that path so easily.
Could’ve ended it with my throat cut, or a knife in my back in an alley, if a
customer or a pimp or whoever lost his temper. Or dying of VD in a workhouse
hospital. Or just getting to the point where I hated myself and the life so
much that I took poison or cut my wrists or tied a stone round my neck and
jumped in the nearest bit of deep water.’
‘Good Lord,’ Allen said. ‘Are you thinking of things like that a lot these
days? I don’t want you to. You’ll go into a depression.’ He came back towards
Gaddes and put an arm around his neck, softly rising to kiss him. ‘Please
don’t. I want you to be happy. Come on, you’re the one who says I worry
unnecessarily. That didn’t happen. You were sent here, and you were here to
meet me, to make my life worthwhile again. It’s all turned out so happily, so
much joy out of so much sadness. I’m truly sorry for what happened to your
friend. No-one deserves to die that way. But you mustn’t take it so much to
heart. Think of all your good fortune.’
‘It’s not just that,’ Gaddes mumbled, looking down, unwilling to meet Allen’s
eyes. ‘We still haven’t caught Nichol. I hadn’t thought about him in a long
time. I felt like I was free of him. But seeing him again was like knocking the
scab off a cut. I thought it was healed and now it’s aching again.’
‘I daresay I would feel that way if I saw Marlene again,’ Allen said softly,
leaning his forehead on Gaddes’ shoulder.
‘Except Marlene isn’t running around robbing people. I mean, even if I get him
put in jail, what good have I done? He’ll just end up one of those king
convicts, with a bitch, some other unhappy boy like I was. He’ll do the same
thing no matter where he is. It’s what he’s like. He’ll just use people
forever.’
‘There is nothing you can do about a person like that,’ Allen said. ‘So you
mustn’t berate yourself. It’s not in anybody’s power. You’re not being
inadequate, only human. It isn’t your fault that he’s a beast. I just thank
heaven he didn’t manage to make a beast of you too.’ He kissed the tip of
Gaddes’ nose, smiling. ‘Now look up. Smile at me. Let’s do something fun. Take
our minds off everything sad and sordid. Does that sound nice?’
‘I suppose…’
‘Oh, you ungrateful wretch. You have to be persuaded, I suppose.’ Allen kissed
his lips, half-laughing, and stepped back. ‘I shouldn’t be so easy, should I?
You’ll take me for granted. I think you should have to catch me.’
‘Catch you?’
‘Catch me if you can!’ He turned and darted away.
‘Tease!’ Gaddes called after him, and gave chase. He’s right. To hell with
Nichol. I’m free and I’m in love. He can’t make me unhappy. He could only keep
track of Allen by the bobbing of the lantern, ahead among the trees; crashing
along in the dark, he was falling behind.
‘Slowpoke!’ Allen called. ‘Do you want to give me a nice slow poke? Catch me!’
‘It’ll be hard and fast up against a tree, young man! You don’t deserve any
better!’ The light was staying in one place; Allen let him catch up just enough
to be able to see him clearly before poking his tongue out and turning tail
again.
‘Come back here!’
‘You have to catch meeee!’ The voice came back mockingly; the lantern was
almost out of sight. Oh, shit, I’ve lost him. He stopped and tried to catch his
breath, listening hard. Hold on. I recognise this place. He’s leading me to
Sweetheart Springs. Little devil. He started out again, walking comfortably, in
no hurry now. He could hear Allen singing, a bawdy song from the barracks late
at night with the salient name changed, putting on a ridiculous broad accent
for the occasion, although it kept slipping.
‘The fairst time Ah met ye it did cross my mind, the next time Ah saw ye there
wasn’t the time, the third time Ah saw ye I thought that Ah cood, the fourth
time I met you I knew that Ah wood! Oh Gaddes, oh Gaddes, you let me get lucky
wi’ you!’
Laughing, he picked up his pace.
‘I want you forever, I want you for good, so I’m gonnae treat ye the way that I
shood. For your soul and body my heart’s gonnae pound, even after the day that
I’m laid in the ground…’
I never realised there was something that beautiful in that song. It’s not just
about getting laid. Hearing that in his voice… I want you forever, I want you
for good… Light gleamed again in the clearing ahead, and he ducked out from
under the boughs of a willow to see Allen dancing  around the lantern half
undressed, still singing as he unbuttoned his shirt.
‘You’re mad, do you know that?’
‘I’m a lunatic,’ Allen cried, ‘under the moonlight! Moonmad moonstruck mooncalf
honeymoon!’ He pulled the shirt off, swung it round by one sleeve and flung it
at Gaddes, then turned a neat cartwheel in his underwear. ‘Come and get me!’ he
called, tossing back his tumbled hair.
‘Oh, but I know I don’t have to come and get you,’ Gaddes said, smiling as he
dropped the shirt. ‘Because you’ll come to me.’ With leisurely movements, he
pulled off his gloves and unbuckled his breastplate and gauntlets.
‘Oh, will I?’
‘Yes, you will, moonhoney. Because we both know what you want, and we both know
I can give it to you.’ He shelled out of his tunic, undid the cuffs of his
shirt and pulled it off over his head.
‘I can please myself, you know.’
‘Not like I can please you.’ He gazed at him steadily as he popped the buttons
of his trousers. ‘I can see how much you want me.’
‘Perhaps that’s just the excitement of being naked outdoors. Of being naughty,’
Allen said, lightly touching the peak in his shorts and smiling teasingly.
‘Come here.’ Gaddes held out his hand, smiling. ‘Here, Ally-ally-ally.’ He
beckoned with one finger as if he were calling a cat.
‘Don’t make fun of me,’ Allen said, putting his hands on his hips and pouting.
‘I can’t help it. You’re funny. That’s part of why I love you. Sweetie, it’s
not that I think you’re dumb. You’re just wonderfully, um, eccentric.’ He
grinned crookedly at him.
‘Hmph.’ Allen stalked over and stuck his tongue out at him.
‘That’s a pretty little tongue… will I be getting the benefit of it?’
‘You don’t deserve it.’
‘Oh… come on… just a little kiss?’ He put his arms around him and drew him
close, finding no resistance. Allen turned up his face obediently, surrendering
to the warm touch of Gaddes’ lips, the gentle exploration of his tongue.
‘Mmm…’ He wound his arms around Gaddes’ neck, pressing up close to him, feeling
how warm, how hard was his body.
‘Told you you’d come to me.’ He kissed him again, deeply, firmly, feeling the
warm surge between their mouths, as he slid his hands down Allen’s back and
inside the waistband of his shorts, down to stroke and knead his buttocks,
cupping and squeezing with spread fingers, pressing him close. He gave a little
growl in his throat, eliciting a smothered giggle. Allen pulled back from their
kiss and reached for his hands, gently disengaging them from one another.
‘Aw, why?’
‘Sit down.’ He tugged Gaddes’ pants down from his hips, taking his underwear
with them.
‘Sit down?’
‘I know your legs get shaky when I do this and I don’t want you to fall over on
these stones.’
‘You’re so very considerate.’ He sat on the ground, pushing his pants further
down and spreading his legs, catching his breath as Allen bowed his silky
golden head between them, nuzzling at the inside of his thigh, kissing wetly;
he felt him write his name with the tip of his tongue. Just kissing and
touching him had given him half an erection; there were no half measures now.
‘All mine,’ Allen breathed, nibbling along to the fold of his groin, lapping
there. Every movement of his head made his hair drag softly over Gaddes’ skin,
a sweet, maddening tease. He leaned back, supporting himself on his hands,
bracing his arms; he could feel himself beginning to tremble anyway. The first
melting touch of a tongue-tip on the head of his cock; the breath rushed out of
him with a grunt and a hiss. Unseen fingertips traced their way down the
underside of the shaft and back up again, pausing to rub the spot just beneath
the head that always sent shocks of delight into him.
‘You really are into teasing tonight, aren’t you?’ he murmured.
‘You enjoy it more when I do,’ Allen replied calmly. ‘And I like playing with
it… getting comfortable with it… I think it’s beautiful.’ He kissed the head,
parting his lips and sucking ever so slightly. ‘I love how red the tip gets.
Like a garnet.’
‘It’s dark, you can’t see it, don’t worry about the garnet.’
‘You’re all impatient and squirmy,’ Allen said, sounding as if he were laughing
silently. ‘Hold your hips still!’
‘I can’t… please…’
‘Don’t you want me to enjoy myself?’ He licked the tip again, flicking his
tongue-tip against it lightly.
‘I think you could enjoy yourself sucking.’
‘Mm… that’s true…’
‘Oh yes.’ A blossom of pleasure opened, expanded, turned inside out on itself
and began to repeat the process. Allen began to hum softly; in the midst of his
ecstasy he almost choked laughing, because he was humming scales.
‘Can I – Ally, can I push a little bit? I don’t want to gag you, but can I –
ooh. Yes? Okay? Oh…’ Just a slight, gentle rocking was all he coult permit
himself here; he was in two minds about whether to throw caution to the winds
and let himself come, or to try to hold on for whatever Allen might have in
mind. If he started to really thrust into his warm, wet mouth it would not be a
matter of choice.
Before he could make up his mind, Allen drew back, gently but definitely. He
sat up, pushing his hair back, wetting his ruddy lips.
‘Do you want me to do something to you now? Or have you got something else in
mind?’
‘Yes. I’m going to run away again.’ With an impish smile he scrambled to his
feet and did just that.
‘Oi! Come back! That’s not fair!’ He was temporarily handicapped by the
trousers still webbed around his ankles, and matters were not made easier by
the fact that they were pulled down over his boots, which he had to remove to
get them off at all. Meanwhile Allen was knee-deep in the water singing
something about a whale and kicking up huge fan-shaped splashes.
‘I’m going to get you!’ he yelled.
‘Oh, please!’ Allen called back.
Tearing off his pants, he leapt up and darted after him, grabbing him round the
waist in a diving tackle that threw them both into the hot water, with a
startled yelp from Allen. Underwater Gaddes’ lips found his and kissed him
hard, the world was swirling hot wetness and a rushing in his ears; he wanted
to drown in it. They surfaced and Gaddes released him, shaking drops of water
from his hair and grinning.
‘Grr. No mercy.’
‘You’re an animal and you’ve got my undies all wet.’ Allen slapped his shoulder
and kissed him again, biting his lower lip.
‘Mm… get up and show me?’ Gaddes took his hand and pulled him to his feet,
gazing down at the thin, saturated silk clinging to his skin, outlining every
shape. ‘Very very nice. Turn round? Oh yes…’ He ran his hands over Allen’s
buttocks again, dragging the silk up and down, hooked his fingers in the leg-
holes and pulled the wet fabric up, pulling it tight in the cleft between
cheeks, working it for friction; Allen gasped and bent forward, pulling at the
front, increasing the pressure.
‘Is that good? Is that touching you somewhere that likes attention?’
‘Yes.’
‘You really do have the cutest little bum in the world. I’m so lucky to get to
see it like this…’
‘Please…’
‘Mm?’
‘Please take them off me.’ He straightened, turning to face Gaddes and draping
his arms about his neck. ‘Please. I want you to see me and touch me and taste
me.’
‘I’d love to.’ He stroked the erect shaft straining against wet silk, making
Allen shiver. ‘You’re so hard… you’re just about ready to rip through these.’
A muffled laugh. ‘Hell of a waste of silk.’
‘I had a dream about you… last night… about schoolboys together… and you being
the most wanton, come-hither little Ganymede on the face of the earth.’ He
grazed Allen’s lips with his own as he hooked his thumbs inside the waistband,
ran them around inside the elastic.
‘Really?’
‘Mm… we were sitting up at the back of the class… in one of those double desks
with a bench seat… and you took my hand and put it in your lap and you had the
cutest little fifteen-year-old stiffie.’
‘What were we studying?’
‘The teacher was droning on about the exports of Zaibach.’
‘Oh, not maths, then?’
‘No… and you made me rub it… and I just couldn’t believe it, I was looking
round the room thinking somone must be able to see what we’re doing… you undid
your pants and I was sitting there with your warm sticky cock in my fist,
jerking it, and you were leaning back in your seat breathing hard with your
cheeks all pink looking so happy, and I was feeling hot as hell and scared as
hell at the same time, that we were going to get caught… but we didn’t.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me about a dream like that when you woke up?’
‘Why do you think I woke you at two o’clock going down on you? I woke up all
ready to go.’
‘Samivel Gaddes, stop stalling and pull my pants off.’
‘It’s not stalling… it’s teasing… you like teasing…’ A wicked little smile.
‘You’re terrible.’
‘Do you like me anyway?’
‘Yes…’
‘Then I’ll do what you want.’ He slipped the silk shorts down over Allen’s
slender hips, easing the waistband out to release his erection, pushing them
firmly down his thighs. Holding himself steady with a grip on Gaddes’
shoulders, Allen lifted one leg out, leaving them snagged around the other
knee.
‘There’s the Alicorn in all its glory.’
‘Don’t tease.’
‘I’m not. You know I think it’s beautiful. I might not talk about garnets, but
it’s beautiful… look. I can get pearls out of it.’ Stroking back the foreskin,
he squeezed the tip, drawing a glistening bead of oil to the surface. Catching
it on his fingertip, stretching a spiderweb strand of the liquid between their
bodies, he joined it to the head of his own cock. ‘What do you want to do?’ he
whispered in Allen’s ear.
‘Jousting,’ Allen said, and started to laugh.
‘What?’
‘Jousting, I’m just looking at them and they look like two knights’ lances.’
‘Well, you are a knight.’ This line of thought evolved into a very silly game,
sparring with thrusts of the hips.
‘I win… got you in the navel…’
‘That’s how you win? It’s not fair, I didn’t know…’
‘Well, you’re not a knight.’
‘Come here, you.’ Wrestling, splashing, giggling like fools, Allen breaking
free and stumbling away out of the water; he dropped on his hands and knees and
looked back over his shoulder at Gaddes.
‘Do you want to?’
‘Yes.’ On his knees behind him, he parted Allen’s buttocks, bowing his head to
lick the tight opening, feeling him squirm delightfully, insistently working to
wet and relax him, occasionally straying down to kiss the tense, heavy sac of
his balls. He was aware of nothing but him, his scent and taste and warm firm
form under his lips, tongue, hands, responding with shudders and groans of joy.
A strange, hissing, metallic sound, and a cold blade against his neck.
He stopped, blinking, bewildered, just beginning to sense the presence of
another person behind him, the first cold jab of fear tightening his throat.
‘Gaddes?’ Allen sighed, turning to look over his shoulder. His face froze, the
look of dreamy arousal giving way to pure shock. ‘Let him go,’ he said faintly.
‘I don’t think I will,’ Gaddes heard Nichol say. ‘No, not yet.’ A jolt of panic
went through him, killing every trace of passion, pressing his mind flat under
a cold weight.
‘I don’t think you’re going to sucker-punch me now, are you, Blondie?’ Nichol
went on. ‘I honestly didn’t think you were that kind of girl. I suppose many a
true word is spoken in jest. This is funny, isn’t it, Sammy-sam-sam?’ The blade
pressed against his throat; he jerked back, and Nichol grabbed a handful of his
hair and pulled him up to a standing position, the sword held firmly across his
throat. ‘Because I thought I’d killed your girlfriend. And here you are with a
little bitch of your own instead! I wish you’d keep still, Blondie, you can’t
reach your sword before I’d cut his throat. Just sit tight like a good boy. Is
he tight, Sam? Is he a good boy?’
‘Please. Don’t hurt me. Let me go.’ He was painfully ashamed of the thin
whimper his voice had become. Your girlfriend. Oh God. Oh God, he killed her.
‘You killed Lillee…’
‘I killed a whore because I am sick and tired of little whores like you.’ The
blade moved, scratching his skin. ‘A faithless little whore who turned on me…
who insulted me and laughed behind my back… who would’ve thrown me in jail to
rot, or let me hang…’
‘You are a disgusting criminal,’ Allen said, in a low voice. ‘You deserved all
of it. You mistreated and exploited a boy who wanted you to love him.’
‘Do you want me to cut his head off, Blondie? Or maybe it’d upset you more if I
cut off his dick, so he couldn’t give you what you want. What’s it like, Sam,
when you stuff it into his smooth little ass? Does he cry? I used to love it
when you cried…’
‘Please let me go. We won’t do anything to you. You can go free.’
‘Free and penniless and homeless and with a price on my head. Thank you, Sam.
It’s all your fault.’
‘It is not,’ Allen began, but Nichol silenced him with a threatening motion of
the sword, pressing the flat to Gaddes’ windpipe, making him choke.
‘I have watched you,’ he whispered. ‘With your whore, now with him… I have to
kill him too, of course, you understand.’ This last was said in a perfectly
matter-of-fact tone.
‘Allen, run.’
‘I’m not going to leave you with him!’
‘Run! You can get away! Don’t get killed for me, it isn’t worth it!’
‘Don’t be stupid! I love you!’
‘Dear me, this is all so touching,’ said Nichol brightly. In one swift movement
he jerked Gaddes around to face him and slammed one knee up between his legs so
hard that everything went black before his eyes. He felt himself pushed and
fell helpless, hitting and cutting his joints on the stones that dotted the
ground, the wind and sense knocked out of him by a pain that filled the world.
He could not see or hear through it; a tiny conscious part of him was screaming
that he had to get up, had to help Allen, oh God oh God what was happening to
Allen while he lay here. Moving was just not possible.
After several seconds, an agonisingly long time, he was able to breathe in and
open his eyes, unable to lift his head but rolling it to see that Nichol had
forced Allen back to his knees, the sword across his throat now; his head was
bowed on his folded arms, his shoulders shaking. Nichol held the sword with one
hand and the other was busy unfastening the drawstring on his pants.
No, no, no, no.
‘I’ll let you see what it’s meant to be like before you die,’ Nichol was saying
chattily. ‘Shame for you to die without having a real man inside you. I’m going
to make you scream, Blondie. Get your head up.’ He seized a handful of Allen’s
hair and yanked his head back, twisting his grasp painfully. There were tears
on Allen’s face.
No, no, no, no!
‘So this is the cutest little bum in the world, is it?’ Nichol asked, sickening
Gaddes with the repetition of their lovers’ talk. He was watching us, he was
listening to us!
‘Let him go,’ he managed to say. ‘For God’s sake let him go. You can have me.
I’ll stay with you, I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt him.’
‘Much too, much too late, Sam,’ Nichol said, shaking his head as he rubbed
himself ready. ‘Tell me if it hurts, Blondie. Which it probably will.’
Allen’s eyes met Gaddes’, terrified, humiliated, beseeching.
I can’t help you, I can’t help you, oh God, he’ll kill you whatever I do… He
could not close his eyes, could not be such a coward as to look away and leave
Allen alone to be defiled. To his astonishment and shame, Allen held his gaze
and mouthed ‘I love you.’
Don’t love me. I can’t help you.
‘Please, Nichol!’
‘Would you just shut up?’ Nichol said irritably, and would have said more if he
had not been struck full in the face by a furious owl. Gaddes started up in
terror, thinking that he would slash Allen’s throat by reflex; as he reeled
back the blade glanced off his bare shoulder and drew blood. Allen fell forward
with a cry, rolling away, but he was safe; Nichol was staggering and trying to
cover his head with his arms. Natal shrieked, hissed, slashed at his face and
hair with his talons, battered his head with his wings. A moment ago he had
felt paralysed, but somehow Gaddes found himself on his feet and hurtling
forward, ducking under Nichol’s arm and snatching the sword from his grip,
heedless of danger and his nakedness and the pain that still burned, in a
berserk rage that drove his arm back and around and made an end with a clean
silver sweep.
Blood lashed across his face and he tasted salt. There was a loud splash; for a
moment the headless body stood upright, then fell in the water too. Natal
uttered a contemptuous ‘hoo’ and swooped away.
Gaddes stood with the sword in his hand and stared at the water, at Nichol’s
body sprawled in the shallows, at the blood draining from his trunk and
staining the pool black by moonlight. After a long, suspended moment, he began
to shake violently; he lost his grip on the sword and let it fall, dropping
into a huddled crouch, backing away crabwise.
‘Gaddes?’ Allen’s voice. He scrambled towards the sound, still unable to take
his eyes from the horrible sight; only Allen’s touch on his arm broke the
spell, and he turned and held him and buried his face in tangled golden hair.
‘I’m all right, are you?’
‘I’m all right.’ He drew a long, shuddering breath. ‘Well. I’m hurt, but I’m
okay in all the important ways.’
‘That’s what I meant…’ Allen pressed a kiss on his forehead.
‘Don’t kiss me… I’m all bloody…’
‘I don’t care. You saved me.’
‘Natal saved you, for God’s sake. I couldn’t do anything. I was useless.’
‘You saved me and you avenged Lillee,’ Allen said firmly. ‘You did.’
‘I killed him!’ To his own surprise, Gaddes began to cry, like a child.
‘My poor love…’ Allen tightened his embrace. ‘He would have raped me and you
saved me. All right, you had help, but Natal could only help… he couldn’t have
stopped him, only made a delay.’
‘I can’t believe I killed him…’
‘It’s not the first time you’ve killed anyone, is it? I’m sure it’s not…’
‘No… it’s the first time I’ve killed anyone I’ve known…’
‘Then it’s different.’
‘How can you be so calm?’
‘Because you need me to be.’ Allen smiled ruefully. ‘If it makes you feel
better, I’m sure I’ll collapse and cry buckets later. I’ve never been so afraid
in my life. I felt as if I’d throw up and die if he even touched me.’
‘I’m never saying anything nasty about your owl ever again.’ They both managed
to laugh, rather weakly, but soon fell silent again. Gaddes leant his head on
Allen’s uninjured shoulder, feeling cold all over.
‘Is it a bad cut?’ he mumbled.
‘No… no, it’s only light. Just the skin. A deep scratch, really. It’s not
bleeding too much.’
‘Allen…’
‘Hmm?’
‘When I killed him… I wasn’t thinking save you and avenge Lillee… I just wanted
to kill him, to stop him, get rid of him.’
‘That’s how it is.’ Allen stroked his hair, soothingly. ‘Don’t worry about it
any more. You’re a good man, Gaddes. You honestly are.’
‘I just can’t believe I’ve killed him.’
‘Let’s put our clothes on. Come on, my love. We’ve got to be sensible. We’ll
freeze.’
‘I feel cold.’
‘Yes. Come on. Here are your trousers.’
‘What happened to your shorts?’
‘I have no idea, and I’m not about to look for them. Your other boot’s over
there. Let me help you with that…’
Fully dressed, but not warm yet, Gaddes got to his feet and looked again at the
pool, at the body, at the white petals that drifted over the skin of the water.
‘I’ve ruined this place. Haven’t I?’
‘He ruined it.’ Allen fastened his belt and put his arms around him again.
‘It was our place. Our first-kiss place.’
‘It doesn’t have to be all spoiled…’
‘It’s never going to be the same, though.’
‘No.’ He leaned his forehead on Gaddes’ shoulder for a moment, then looked up,
purposeful. ‘We have to bury the body. I’m not leaving it here, and I’m not
bringing it home.’
‘We haven’t got anything to dig with…’
‘There’s a quicksand area near here. We only have to carry him that far.’ He
walked over to the body, and with quick, fastidious movements pulled its pants
back up and tied the drawstring. ‘I don’t want to look at that any longer than
I have to.’
‘I… I don’t want to touch him…’
‘Please, Gaddes. Help me… here, I’ll put his jacket over the neck and shoulders
so we won’t get blood on us. Just take his legs. I’ll get his shoulders.’
‘His head. His head’s in the water somewhere.’ Gaddes felt close to screaming,
but it was as if his feelings had frozen over; there was a thick layer of ice
between them and the world, and he was numb with it.
‘Here.’ Allen lifted the head from the pool, streaming blood and water, and
laid it on Nichol’s stomach, face down.
‘I’m going to be sick,’ Gaddes said.
‘So am I, but I’m going to be sick later. One, two, three. Lift.’
‘Fuck, he’s heavy.’
Allen did not comment on his language. With the body limp and horrid between
them, they staggered through scrub until they reached an area of spongy ground.
‘No further,’ Allen said. ‘We don’t want to be buried with him. We’ll need to
throw him out. Are you ready? One, two, three.’ The body flew out and landed
with a wet smacking sound; the quicksand quivered like jelly.
‘He’s sitting there.’
‘He’ll sink. He’s going down.’ Allen picked up the head; it had fallen to the
ground as they swung the body in preparation to throw it. ‘I’m going to burn
these gloves,’ he muttered, and tossed the head out to join the body.
‘Oh God,’ Gaddes said faintly. He tried to sit down and put his head between
his knees, but nausea won out and he crouched on the ground retching.
‘It’s all right.’ Allen hovered over him, patting his back. ‘It’s all right…
it’s over now… let’s go home.’
‘We… we need to put a bandage on your shoulder…’
‘That’s right. Come on. You can patch me up, and I’ll cry, and you’ll cry, and
maybe we’ll begin to feel better.’
***** Chapter 17 *****
Gaddes slept late, curled up in Allen’s bed. Allen was telling them he had a
relapse of his swamp fever and needed to rest. He was sleeping without
dreaming, which was a blessed relief. He’d been afraid to close his eyes last
night. When he felt himself begin to wake, he burrowed back down into sleep,
unwilling to face daylight. It was lunchtime when Allen woke him, gently
nudging his shoulder.
‘Gaddes? I want you to have something to eat. Come on. Wake up.’
He rolled over and opened his eyes; Allen was pale today, with purple shadows
under his eyes. He had indeed cried once they got home; as soon as he was no
longer trying to hold both of them together he fell apart completely.
‘Here,’ he said, smiling as he saw Gaddes was awake. ‘Lunch on a tray. Cut up
nicely as if you were an invalid or a baby.’
‘You shouldn’t have let me sleep in. You’re the one who nearly got raped.’
‘I’m letting you stay in bed because you’re hurt. Look at yourself, you fool,
you’re covered in cuts and bruises and you’re black and blue between the legs.’
‘Well, you’re hurt too.’
‘Not so hurt that I walk bow-legged. Eat this bread and butter. I will brook no
argument.’ He pushed the slice into Gaddes’ mouth while it was open to protest.
‘If I lie in bed I won’t want to get out. I’ve got to keep going or I’ll just
curl up in a ball and hide under the covers.’
‘Allen…’ Sitting up, he put his arms around the boy’s shoulders.
‘I’ll be all right. I will. After all, I didn’t get raped. That’s the important
thing! Just imagine how much worse I’d be feeling if it had really happened.’
He spoke with a brittle artificial brightness.
‘That doesn’t mean you’ve got no right to be upset…’
‘I… I know. But I really don’t feel as if I’ll be able to cope if I give in to
my feelings at the moment. I have a job to do that’s very important. Sometimes
I will cry. Sometimes I’ll need you to hold me and look after me while I cry my
eyes out. But I don’t want to cry too much for something a man like that tried
to do to me. There is a certain satisfaction in knowing that he’s headless and
at the bottom of a quicksand.’ He sniffed deeply and gave Gaddes a tight little
smile.
‘I’m trying to think of it the way you said. Saving you and avenging Lillee.
And I know I wouldn’t have been in that kind of blind rage if it wasn’t for you
and her. If it was just me… if he would have agreed and let you go I would have
gone with him. I guess I don’t give as much of a shit about myself as I do
about you.’
‘You were wonderfully, wonderfully brave.’
‘That was the strangest and worst night of my life.’
‘It started out so well and then turned so horrible. It was like a wet dream
turning into a nightmare.’
‘I couldn’t believe how calm you were about things like… like handling the
head… I couldn’t have done that.’
‘Please note that I did have to burn the gloves that touched it. Come on. Eat
your lunch. How are your poor abused boy’s bits feeling?’
‘Very sore.’
‘I hope he hasn’t done any permanent damage.’ Allen lay down next to Gaddes, on
top of the covers, and rested his head on the pillow.
‘Have you had lunch?’
‘A little. I just want to be quiet for a while, and feel how safe I am with
you.’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too. When I thought I was going to die I wanted you to know that…
wanted it to be the last thing I told you.’
‘Thank you.’ He brushed a strand of hair from Allen’s forehead, tenderly.
‘Gaddes?’
‘Yes?’
‘I failed you… failed myself… I couldn’t fight properly. I just couldn’t. I was
naked and unarmed and it made me stupid and frightened… I probably could have
done something if I had only kept my head.’
‘You’re being too rough on yourself.’
‘It’s hard not to think that way… it’s not a very knightly thing to almost be
raped and have to be rescued. We’re supposed to be the ones that rescue ladies
from being raped. It’s in all the stories.’
‘Well, you’re not in a story. You’re a real person. Besides, you were telling
me that story just the other day about the knight who lay down to sleep beside
a spring and a huntress came along chasing a hart and she accidentally shot him
in the bum. Knights get caught at a disadvantage too.’
‘I’d rather there were no injuries to anyone’s bum, thank you very much.’
‘Allen…’ He put down the piece of bread that he had been more fiddling with
than eating.
‘Yes?’
‘I’m just so glad that… that it didn’t happen, that you don’t have to know what
it’s like against your will. I mean, for you it would be even worse than it was
for me, I guess, because I was forced but it was by someone I loved, so I sort
of made excuses for him…’
‘I think being forced by someone you loved would be worse than rape by a
stranger or an enemy. But I don’t know. I think it’s probably so all-around
dreadful that distinctions of how bad it is are a bit irrelevant.’
‘What I mean is, I don’t want you ever to know what it’s like… it’s been
something that I’ve loved about being with you, that I’ve been able to make
sure you only knew love and pleasure and gave yourself freely. I mean… all
right, it’s not perfect, sometimes I’ve hurt you a bit…’
‘Only at first, when I wasn’t used to it. I couldn’t help tensing up a bit, no
matter how much I wanted you to do it. My body simply wasn’t used to something
coming in that way, but these days I can just relax and it goes in without a
twinge. It feels wonderful. If you’ve been feeling guilty about hurting me,
please don’t bother.’ He took Gaddes’ hand and held it, twining their fingers
together.
‘I just want to be able to keep it like that for you. I don’t want it ever to
be mixed up with pain or fear in your mind.’
‘And I love you dearly for it. Now keep eating. I want you to get well and
strong as quickly as possible, thank you very much.’
‘Do you know what I wish?’
‘What?’
‘That there really were unicorns. Like in the stories. And a unicorn walked
down to Sweetheart Springs and dipped its horn in the water and made it pure
again.’
‘That would be nice…’ Allen rubbed his cheekbone against his shoulder,
thoughtfully. ‘Gaddes… in a way, I think you’re lucky.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘Because all your problems were bound up in one person… and you could face that
person and strike him down. You’re free now, aren’t you?’
‘Allen…’
‘Yes?’
‘I know you’re thinking about your father.’
‘Oh.’
‘And I don’t think it would do you any good at all if you could have a whack at
him with a sword. Don’t think it. I don’t feel any happier for killing Nichol.
It’s something else I need to get over.’
‘Oh,’ Allen said, very quietly.
 
Of course, recovering from past trauma is made easier by living in a place you
find beautiful, having worthwhile work that absorbs you, and being loved by the
person you feel is perfect for you. Gaddes was surprised one day to realise
that a full month had gone by… three months… six… days singular might go slowly
and be individually full, but days plural rolled on by at a fast clip. There
was never any idle time; always some plan to help Allen with. Improving their
security network throughout the swamp, training the men to fly the Crusade,
exploring, mapping, the neverending work of kicking criminal ass…
‘We’re happy, aren’t we?’ Allen asked him seriously one evening, as they
watched the sun go down from their rooftop. ‘I think so. Overall and on the
whole. Right? I don’t think being happy means you feel joyful all the time.
Just that the balance of things in your life is in favour of happiness.’
‘I’ll always be happy as long as we’re together. As sappy as that may be.’
Allen smiled at him, sweet and peaceful and rose-lit.
All right, sometimes we just have to choose to be selectively happy. God knows,
between the two of us we’ve got enough to be miserable about. Sometimes you cry
at night; sometimes I do. But there’s always someone to turn to. There’s always
your embrace. What’s the point of being unhappy? It just means the bastards
have won. We can’t do anything to change what’s happened in the past – and
instead of being angst-ridden about that, why not just see that it’s normal?
No-one can change their past. Let’s just get on with it.
This formula for living had been very successful for the two of them for a few
years, with occasional breaks for diplomatic reasons, when one night Allen went
out to patrol alone. This wasn’t unusual. They didn’t live in one another’s
pockets as much as they used to; Allen would say, laughingly, that they were
more like an old married couple these days. Diplomacy was no longer a painful
effort. There was still desire, sweet and strong and warm, and love deeper and
richer than ever, but the honeymoon had come to its natural end. Marriage was
an idea they both liked.
It wasn’t unusual for him to go out alone, but it was unusual for him to bring
back prisoners like this. Well, not prisoners at all, in the case of the girl,
pale and unconscious in Allen’s arms. He carried her away tenderly, saying he
was going to put her to bed. Gaddes looked down at the skinny boy sprawled in
the bottom of the boat, feeling rather less tender. He bent down and heaved him
up in a fireman’s lift; the boy groaned, but didn’t wake up.
‘Yuk.’ From the smell of him, he had thrown up quite recently.
‘Why do I have the feeling,’ Gaddes muttered, as he carried him away, ‘that
this is the beginning of something I won’t enjoy?’
 
He leaned against the window frame and gazed out at the night. News of the
victory, or at least of the end, was still spreading. Fireworks were going up
over Pallas; he wasn’t sure that was in very good taste, but if people were
feeling happy he wasn’t about to bitch. For his own part, he felt grimy all
over and so tired that it hurt. He was having a bit of trouble adjusting to the
idea that he was here in Allen’s house. The place where he’d grown up…it was
all dustcovers and spiders. He’d seen Marghetta, bustling round with her hair
done up in a scarf and dust on her nose, because she’d been turning out rooms
making them ready for habitation again.
‘It’s good to have them home,’ she’d said. ‘This place will wake up. And it’s
good to see you too.’ She grinned at him and wiped her nose on her sleeve.
‘Yeah… good to see you.’
‘Are you okay? You look pretty blue.’
‘I’m just really tired. A war takes it out of you, you know?’
‘Come down to the kitchen and I’ll give you something to eat. Least I can do
for the returning hero.’
She’d fed him great chunks of cold roast lamb and potatoes and sat across the
table smiling and flirting with her eyes.
I don’t want to be a conquering hero. I’m exhausted and I think I smell bad. I
don’t want to have a victory shag with a nice willing girl. I want to go home,
wherever that is. Home was with Allen. And now Allen’s come back to his old
home. He had to stop chewing and bite his lip hard, screwing his eyes closed to
stop tears leaking out. He’d been able to cope for a long time just by being
too busy and frightened to think hard about anything – about the lonely pain
down low in his chest, about the future and whether there was one he wanted any
part of. He felt more or less exactly the way he did as a child when he burst
into tears from sheer overtiredness.
He’d excused himself from Marghetta and come to stand here; to rest his
forehead against the cool windowpane.
I’ve given him long enough, haven’t I? I don’t want to butt in on his reunion
with his sister. I need to see him so badly.
He turned his back to the fireworks and made his way to the nursery. Allen had
wanted to put Celena in ‘her own little bed’ so that she would wake up and see
familiar things, wake up and feel safe. She had been sleeping for hours as it
was; had passed out as they tried to get her off the battlefield.
I’d be pooped too… poor little kid.
He nudged the door open and looked in; there was a small lamp burning on the
nightstand that let him see Celena curled up in the bed and Allen sitting
beside it, his chin resting on his hands. He didn’t react to Gaddes coming in;
he only looked up when he put a hand on his shoulder.
‘You look about how I feel,’ he said, a little hoarsely. ‘Are you all right?’
‘I’m fine. Fine now. It’s finally over… hard to believe, isn’t it?’
There was a silence, filled only by their breathing; Celena’s quiet and slow,
perfectly peaceful, and Allen’s becoming more agitated. Abruptly, he sprang up,
so fast that he knocked his chair over, and flung his arms around Gaddes’ neck,
pressing his face into his shoulder. His whole body shook; his arms were so
tightly locked that they quivered. Surprised, Gaddes hesitantly put his hands
on his waist.
‘Gaddes,’ Allen said, with a muffled sob.
‘Yeah? What’s wrong?’
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!’
‘Ally, what’s wrong?’
That only set him off; he began to cry uncontrollably, still clinging and
hiding his face. It was all Gaddes could do to guide him over to the broken-
down sofa under the window – what had probably been a good piece of furniture
before it was relegated to the children’s use – and get him to sit down.
‘Now come on, Ally…’
‘I nuhnever thought you’d call me that again!’
‘Why in the world not?’
‘Because I don’t deserve it!’
‘Oh, for crying out…’ He forced Allen’s chin up with his fingers and kissed him
deeply, through the salt of his tears. It was such a relief to kiss him again
that he felt close to tears himself; it was a long time before he could release
him. ‘Now what are you going on about?’
‘I… I thought it would be all over between us.’ Allen gulped, sniffed deeply
and wiped his eyes with his gloved fingers. ‘Because of what an idiot I’ve
been. Because I’ve been unfaithful to you. With Hitomi. With Millerna.’
‘Well, for heaven’s sake, you’d think I’d never seen you flirt with girls
before. I know you only do it to perk yourself up. When the fort burned down
and we lost all but seven of the guys, when we had to go to Pallas and deal
with all that stuff rising from the past… I figured you were due a little
flirtation to keep your spirits up and make you feel like a stud. Besides, it
was cute when you charmed Hitomi. I never thought you were serious.’
‘Gaddes, I… I didn’t tell you. I asked Hitomi to marry me.’
‘Marry you?’
‘I thought then it was what I wanted. I was deluded. I was stupid. I could see
it clearly once she left. I didn’t want her, I wanted Celena.’
‘Allen, that sounds very fishy.’
‘I don’t mean I wanted Celena to be my wife – I wanted Hitomi to be my sister.
I wanted my sister back. I’ve always wanted my sister back – to be able to take
care of her. That was what made me love Hitomi but I misunderstood it.’ He
wiped his face again and pushed his hands back through his hair.
‘Wow.’ Gaddes sat back, draping his elbow over the back of the sofa and resting
his head on his hand. ‘I never knew it got that bad. I wish I could have talked
to you during all this.’
‘S-so do I. You could have kept me from making such stupid mistakes. You
understand my feelings better than I do.’ He looked up shyly, apprehensively.
‘Gaddes, does this change how you feel? Are you angry with me?’
‘Well… no. You realised you were wrong before any harm could come of it. You
didn’t marry her. Jeez, if I thought you were seriously going to marry any
girl, do you think I’d let you do it? Bugger diplomacy. I’d corner you
somewhere quiet and give you a piece of my mind.’
‘Really? How would it go?’
‘Something like, number one, I know you love me, so don’t be stupid. Number
two, if you marry this girl, you won’t have me any more. I’m not a homewrecker.
Number three, please don’t break my heart.’ He smiled sadly.
‘As things were going, it felt as though you and I would never really be
together again… and as I said I was confused about Celena, and the whole
Marlene business… I know I was wrong, Gaddes. I know you’re the only one who
can make me happy.’
‘Well, no again. I mean, Hitomi and Millerna both did things for you that I
never could. Millerna saved your life. And Hitomi… I think Hitomi saved your
heart, in a way. If it wasn’t for her, all that freaky Asgard-Atlantis business
wouldn’t have happened… you wouldn’t have been able to sort it out with your
father…that, and the Celena thing, are what you’ve always needed. And I’ve
always known I couldn’t help with it. They were the right people for you, at
the right times. I owe them an awful lot. I’ll always love ‘em. Without what
they did I would’ve lost you.’ He tipped his head to one side, considering.
‘Actually, another piece of my mind would be, don’t you dare cheat this girl by
marrying her when you don’t love her the right way. They’re both great girls,
so smart and brave and kind – they deserve someone to love them right. And
they’ve each got someone – I would’ve had to say don’t you put yourself in
between with your lady-killer smile and ruin things for Van and Dryden. It’s
not playing fair. I like them both too.’
‘Dryden? Really?’
‘He’s fine for Millerna. They both need to grow up, settle down and get used to
each other, that’s all. The only reason they didn’t get on was that they were
pushed together before they were both ready. It’s got to be the right person at
the right time.’
‘Yes, but do you really like him?’
‘I’m sorry you don’t, but yeah, I do.’
‘Huh.’
‘Excuse me – don’t be jealous. I didn’t go asking other people to marry me. I
behaved like a perfect kindly eunuch.’ He grinned crookedly.
‘You really weren’t jealous? I mean, you didn’t mind or think I was serious?’
‘No.’ Gaddes shrugged. ‘I trust you. And I know you love me. I’m not trying to
sound like an arrogant prick when I say that. It’s not like I think you can’t
help it and I’ve got you as a slave for life. But I know I’ve earned your love
and done nothing to lose it, so I don’t have to be afraid. I know you’ll do the
right thing by me. You’re a gentleman. That’s just the way it is. I was jealous
all right, if that means missing you and coveting you, wishing I could get you
away from everyone else and have you all to myself again, but… well, there was
so much going on that was more important than how I felt. There was how you
felt. Solving your problems. I could see how hard it was for you, but it’s
like… sometimes you have to wound to heal… like opening up a scar to take out
shrapnel so it can finally get better properly. I let things happen as long as
I was sure they weren’t doing any harm. And they weren’t. I was right to have
faith in you, wasn’t I? Here you still are.’
Allen’s lower lip trembled and he plunged forward, hugging Gaddes around the
waist and pressing his face against his chest again.
‘Tired and emotional,’ Gaddes murmured, stroking his hair and resting his chin
on top of his head. ‘That’s what we both are, tired and emotional. But God, it
feels good to hold you again. The only times I was really afraid were when I
thought you might be killed. I knew that, whatever happened, I could get along
all right somehow as long as there was you…’
‘You sound like Van’s little Merle,’ Allen said, a little muffled and sounding
amused.
‘Allen-sama!’
‘You can’t do the voice.’
‘That’s just what some of us are like. We find our hero and we love him.’
‘I’m not a hero.’
‘Proper heroes never think they are.’ He combed his fingers through strands of
golden hair, brought them to his lips. ‘I missed you.’
‘I missed you.’ Allen nuzzled against him, gently. ‘Thank you for still loving
me. For not being angry about my foolishness.’
‘Just promise me you won’t lead Millerna on any more. You’ve made enough
trouble there and you’re really asking for King Aston to have you neutered. The
old-fashioned way, with two bricks.’
Allen winced. ‘I promise.’
‘Then, whatever comes next, we’ll find a way through it together.’
‘Always together. I’ll pull as many strings as I have to. I’m not going
anywhere without you.’
‘What do you think they’re going to do with us next?’
‘I don’t know.’ He lifted his head, sighing, and settled again with his cheek
on Gaddes’ shoulder.
‘Back to the swamp?’
‘I don’t know if I want to fight any more…’
‘Really? What about being a Swordsman of Gaea… protecting people?’
‘I want to keep Celena safe… I don’t want to take her to live in a place like
that. And I can’t send her to a boarding-school or anything like that. It would
be awful for her. We need to stay together, and be a family. I’m thinking of
trying to resign from the military… to find some other way to do something
useful in this world.’
‘You know I’ll help you, whatever you choose.’
‘Thank you. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ They kissed, wearily, and lay curled together for a little
time.
‘I’m exhausted,’ Allen said eventually, ‘and I can’t sleep. It’s stupid.’
‘Me neither. Am I as smelly as I think I am?’
‘Well, not badly… but you’re not fresh and fragrant.’
‘Why don’t we have a wash, and find a proper bed?’
‘That’s a wonderful idea.’ Allen got up, stretching creakily. ‘Do you think
Celena will be all right?’
‘I don’t think she could be safer anywhere in the world.’ He waited at the door
while Allen brushed the curls back from Celena’s forehead and dropped a kiss
between her eyebrows.
‘She’s a beautiful girl,’ he said softly as he turned away. ‘She has a bit of
Mother in her face.’
‘Is that your mother in the portrait in the hall?’
‘Yes… when she was in her twenties.’
‘Then so do you.’ He held out his hand. ‘Come on, sweetheart.’
The bathroom attached to Allen’s bedroom was newly cleaned and smelled of
disinfectant. It was the old-fashioned kind of bath that you had to fill with
jugs of water heated over a pot-bellied stove in the corner; considerately,
Marghetta or someone had already started it burning. Allen stood at the mirror
drowsily brushing his hair while Gaddes dealt with the water.
‘I’m all tangled,’ Allen muttered, tugging at a snag, which he had to break up
with his fingers. Laying down the brush, he slipped off his gloves and began to
unbutton himself; Gaddes looked up from his work with quiet appreciation. The
air was slowly filling with soothing warm steam, and the mindlessness of going
back and forth between stove and bath was also soothing.
‘Bath salts,’ Allen said, leaning past him, in his shirt and underwear, with a
slightly dusty canister. ‘They were in the cabinet but they might still be
good. Lavender and jasmine… I feel like lavender and jasmine tonight.’ He
sprinkled them over the water, humming softly. Gaddes reached out to stroke
back his hair as it fell forward over his shoulder; Allen looked up at the
touch and they both straightened, looking into each other’s eyes. After a
moment Gaddes lifted his hand and gently pressed his palm to Allen’s chest,
feeling his warmth, feeling the rhythm of his heart. After a moment he began to
unbutton his shirt, taking his time. As it fell fully open, he saw the scar on
Allen’s belly, still raised and a little red, but as smooth and neat as
Millerna’s careful sutures could make it. It made him realise, with something
of a jolt, just how long it had been since he had seen him undressed. He
touched the scar, lightly; Allen’s hand joined his, simply resting there.
‘I’m not the boy you fell in love with,’ Allen whispered.
‘I’m not the boy who fell in love with him.’ He leaned forward and kissed him
on the cheek. ‘Go on. Hop in the bath. I’ll be ready in a minute.’
Allen slipped out of his underwear and climbed into the bath, sweeping one hand
under his hair to drape it over the rim of the tub, allowing him to lie down
without wetting it. He sighed as he sank into the warm water, feeling it
surround him with comfort. If he tilted his head a little to the side, he could
see Gaddes getting undressed, sitting on the floor to take off his boots,
wincing slightly as he did so and pausing to rub his feet.
‘You need new boots,’ Allen observed.
‘The boots are fine, it’s these crappy old socks.’ He held one up with his hand
inside it and two fingers poking out of holes.’
‘I’ll buy you new socks,’ Allen said, closing his eyes. ‘All the socks you
want. In every colour of the rainbow. Wool and cotton and silk.’
‘They make silk socks? For men?’
‘You seem to find that a little suspect,’ Allen said, with a flicker of a
smile.
‘I’m just never going to get used to your high-class world.’
‘Oh, you will. I’ll consider it a great achievement the day you take silk socks
for granted.’ He opened his eyes as water rippled and Gaddes’ foot hit the
bottom of the bath, and watched him sitting down at the opposite end, leaning
back, finding room for his legs alongside Allen’s.
‘Oof,’ he said. ‘I’m getting old.’
‘You’re twenty-three.’
‘I’m having an Old Night, then.’
‘It’s a Tired Night. You’ll feel young and frisky in the morning.’
‘Oh, I hope so.’
‘And if not, you may sleep in. Everyone is allowed to sleep in the day after a
war. The next day it’s time for reconstruction.’
‘Ger-roan.’
‘No… we’re good at this… we’ll cope.’
‘I would just like to soak for quite a long time.’
‘Then let’s do that.’ A restful pause.
‘Nice lavender smell.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Lavender gives you sweet dreams.’
‘Hmmm.’ After a moment, Gaddes felt Allen’s foot gently brush against his hip,
not once, accidentally, but twice, deliberately, a little caress.
‘Oh, so you’re not asleep after all?’
‘I’m just being affectionate.’
‘With your feet.’
‘Do you object to my feet?’
‘No, I’m quite fond of your feet. However, if your foot gets into my lap, I’ll
find that a bit too strange.’
‘You like a hand, but not a foot?’
‘Exactly.’
‘A foot could be clumsy, couldn’t it? Might hurt your precious bits.’ He drew
his foot back over the outside of Gaddes’ thigh, down to the knee, and back up,
inward, just nudging at his groin.
‘Now stop that,’ Gaddes said gently. He caught the foot and lifted it from the
water, dotted a quick kiss to the sole, and lowered it again. He could see
Allen smiling. ‘I thought you were tired?’
‘Warm water revives me.’
‘Want me to scrub your back?’
‘Oh, yes please.’ He executed a complex little manoeuvre, rolling over and
pulling himself up into a kneeling position, while keeping his hair out of the
bathwater.
‘Oh look, some kind person has given us a fresh cake of soap. In a paper
wrapper with “Rose Thay” written on it.’
‘Rose thé – tea rose.’
‘Then allow me to lather you up.’
‘Prrrr…’
‘I think you’ve lost a little weight, Ally. Your back looks thinner.’
‘Well, is it any wonder?’
‘I’ll have to feed you porridge until you look healthier.’
‘Eur, don’t… I can’t bear porridge.’ He gave a little sigh of delight as Gaddes
drew his nails down over his back, gently scratching. ‘All over, please, and
then work up and concentrate under the shoulderblades and at the nape of the
neck.’ A very pleasant shiver ran up and down his spine; he felt his
shoulderblades draw together involuntarily.
‘Yes, Boss.’
‘Aaaah… true love is having someone to scratch your back just right.’ He arched
his back like a cat stretching. ‘I get itchy there. Nothing feels as nice as
being able to just lie here and have it taken care of for me. I mean, I could
scratch the requisite spots myself if I had to. But that’s hard work.’
‘I”ve missed touching you,’ Gaddes murmured, pressing a kiss into Allen’s soft
hair.
‘As I’ve missed being touched. It makes my body lonely. It feels like no-one
loves it.’
‘Didn’t you still love it?’
‘Oh, of course I did, but that’s never the same. That’s just enough scratching
now… stop before it gets sore.’
‘Your wish, my command, etcetera.’ Allen rolled over, put his arms around
Gaddes’ neck, and kissed him lingeringly.
‘You make me happy,’ he breathed.
‘I thought you were going to die today.’
‘What?’
‘When you were fighting Van… I thought it couldn’t end till one of you was
dead. And I was expecting you to win, because you’re you. But then he smashed
in the faceplate of Scherezade… and I thought, oh God, it’s going to be Allen.
Worst moment of my life. Seeing the bomb go off just runs a close second.’ A
deep, desperate kiss. ‘Do me a favour and don’t have any more fights with him.’
‘All right…’ He sat up a little higher; he was sliding down in the tub. ‘Do you
know what we need?’
‘What do we need?’
‘Wait there.’ He pushed Gaddes back and climbed out of the bath, putting on the
towelling dressing-gown that hung on the back of the door.
‘Now where are you going?’
‘I’ll be back soon, honestly. Keep the water warm.’
Gaddes sat back with a sigh. After a while he began to amuse himself by sliding
back and forth to build up a tidal wave and make water slop over the end of the
bath. Not that this was outstandingly amusing, but it beat sitting still. After
a few tidal waves he got up to replenish the water level, which had fallen
quite a bit. Fortunately there was a drain in the blue-tiled floor; he hadn’t
made a lake. Allen was staying away for much too long, he felt; he explored the
possibilities offered by the bathroom cabinet, which were not extensive. There
was soap, talcum powder, tooth powder and a sponge he didn’t want to touch.
‘Sigh,’ he said aloud, ‘bored now,’ and got back into the bath. At this point
Allen scurried in, looking flushed and pleased with himself, and carrying a
wine-bottle.
‘The cellars of the house of Schezar are not quite exhausted,’ he said
triumphantly. ‘My trusty steward found this for me. It’s a very good year and
it’s just been getting better ever since. I’ve only brought one glass, for
obvious reasons, but you’re happy to share, aren’t you?’
‘Hell, yeah. Let me take that so you don’t drop it getting in.’
‘Don’t spill it, it’s open.’
‘Pour you a glass?’
‘If you would be so kind.’
Gaddes kept hold of the bottle and took a swig directly from the neck.
‘That is no way to treat a fine vintage!’
‘I’m common. It’s all just hooch to me.’
The wine warmed their stomachs, made them cheerful.
‘I’m still not sleepy,’ Allen said, looking thoughtfully into his glass, ‘and
I’ve had half a bottle. Perhaps I need more.’
‘No, don’t get sleepy. I’m just waking up.’ Dropping the empty bottle in the
water, where it made a hollow glugging noise, Gaddes slid forward to wrap his
arms around Allen, tasting his winy mouth, pressing close to him, water
shifting between their skins.
‘Ohh…’ Allen was quickly beginning to breathe hard; he tried to shift position
to let Gaddes lie on top of him and slipped, bumping his elbow painfully. ‘Ow!’
‘This is why doing it in a bathtub is no good. Let me kiss it better… there…
all better?’
‘Mm… Gaddes, feel this.’
‘It’s been months since I felt anything that good.’
‘Is yours hard too? Yes… yes.’
‘I think it’s long past our bedtime.’
‘What? No…’
‘Don’t you want to be in a nice soft bed, where we can roll around?’
‘Oh, yes…’
‘Come on, then.’ He got to his feet, water streaming down over him, and was
prevented from stepping out of the bath by Allen’s hands on his thighs.
Careless now of whether his hair trailed in the water, he leaned forward,
rising a little on his knees, running his palms up over Gaddes’ thighs,
following their path with his lips and tongue.
‘Oh, God…’ As a preventive measure, he sat down on the edge of the tub.
‘I love it when you’re all wet and dripping…’ Allen murmured. ‘It makes your
skin look so good.’ He flicked his tongue over the taut tendon leading into
Gaddes’ groin. ‘And I’ve missed how you taste… how you feel filling my mouth…’
He glanced up with a flicker of a teasing smile as Gaddes groaned and pushed
his hips upward. ‘Do you miss that too?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you want to feel it again?’
‘Allen, please…’
He pursed his lips and blew gently, sending a tickling stream of air over the
throbbing skin. Then, taking pity, he kissed the head, softly, wetly, parting
his lips to draw it in, sliding his tongue up and down underneath, making
Gaddes whimper with relief and new pleasure. ‘Mmmm…’ He increased and
diminished the intensity of his suction, making it rhythmic, truly enjoying the
taste of slippery pre-come as it seeped into his mouth again. Gaddes’ thighs
were trembling under his stroking hands, firm golden-brown muscle on either
side; he loved feeling the tension running through them. Gaddes groaned softly
as he leaned forward, running his hands down Allen’s back, reaching for his
buttocks. He lifted them obligingly and felt himself firmly grabbed, squeezed,
kneaded. Two fingers ventured into the cleft, stroking up and down, teasing
round and round the opening, then softly rubbing over it, gradually increasing
the pressure, taking pleasurable little dips into the heat of his body.
‘Did you miss me here too?’
‘Mmghhh…’ He arched his back as he felt Gaddes’ fingers enter him, delving
inside, finding and pressing that spot. Gaddes was bent double over him now,
kissing the small of his back as he thrust his fingers in and out. I feel so
beautiful, so deeply loved… and it feels so, so good inside me! The position
was forcing Gaddes’ erection deep into his mouth, almost his throat; he found
it powerfully erotic but it was getting very hard to breathe. I want this, I
want this, getting it at both ends at once! He gagged a little and pulled back,
moaning, letting the shaft slip from his mouth, turning to licking it, wet,
rapid strokes, almost slapping it with his tongue.
‘Yes…’ Gaddes was mumbling, resting his cheek on Allen’s back, ‘oh yes…’ His
free hand slid down to grip the back of his thigh, squeezing and loosening as
pulses of delight rippled through his body. His fingers were lost in Allen’s
lovely tightness; he couldn’t even feel the discomfort of the rim of the tub
digging into his thighs. Allen was panting as he licked, giving little ah! ah!
grunts at each stroke inside him.
My Gaddes… my lovely, loving Gaddes… He felt his hips quiver as he came, felt
the warm spurt against his cheek, his lips, salt touching his tongue, sticky
rivulets trickling down his face.
‘Oh… ohh…’ Gaddes was breathing heavily, the tension melting out of his body.
Allen shuffled back on his knees and let him slide down into the water, his
fingers slipping out of their harbour.
‘Good God, I needed that,’ Gaddes murmured. His head was hanging back over the
edge of the bath; he raised it wearily and looked at Allen, sitting back on his
heels and smiling at him. ‘You’re a little bit gooey,’ he said, smiling back.
‘Clean me up, then,’ Allen suggested, leaning closer, offering his cheek;
Gaddes lapped at the whitish traces, licking him clean. He finished with a kiss
on the tip of his nose.
‘Bed now,’ he said. ‘Really.’
‘But I’ve still got this…’
‘I want to take care of it in bed.’ Gently pushing Allen back, he got up, and
made it out of the bath this time. He opened the door to the bedroom and made a
gracious ‘after you,my dear Alphonse’ gesture.
‘I’ve always rather enjoyed walking around naked with an erection,’ Allen said
thoughtfully, climbing out of the tub. ‘It feels nice and heavy. And you’re not
going into my room dripping wet, you’ll spoil the carpet.’ He threw a towel at
Gaddes and began to dry himself with another.
‘Forgive me, I’m not used to being in places with carpet.’ He gave himself a
cursory rub-down, enjoying the sight of Allen with his skin flushed pink from
the hot water, the deepest, rosiest pink standing up jauntily between his
thighs.
‘All ready,’ said Allen, dropping his towel and sauntering past him, raising
his arms in a languorous stretch as he went. Gaddes followed him into the room,
found him climbing onto the bed on all fours, looking back at him over his
shoulder.
‘You’re very, very tempting, but I’m not ready to take care of it that way,’ he
said, sitting down.
‘Pooh,’ Allen said, rolling over to lie on his back and pouting. ‘Don’t you
know I’ve been pining for good hard buggery for weeks on end?’
‘How did you think you’d get through life with a wife? A female one, I mean.’
‘I don’t know… I suppose I might have done things with bottlenecks or phallic
vegetables.’
‘It’s not the same though, is it?’
‘My God, no. I should know.’
‘Have you been taking care of yourself while we couldn’t be together?’
‘Well, of course I have.’
‘Show me.’
‘Hm?’
‘Show me what you’d do.’ He made himself comfortable at the foot of the bed,
pulling the extra comforter up to keep him warm. ‘I want to lie here and watch
you play with yourself.’
‘You’re mean,’ Allen said, leaning back against the pillows with his legs
spread. He stroked his fingers down over his thighs, guiding Gaddes’ eyes to
the centre. ‘The Alicorn’s been so lonely… at night, in the morning… no-one to
play with him… his gentleman caller never comes.’
‘He came just a minute ago,’ Gaddes said, smiling. ‘Stop stalling.’
‘I’m not stalling. I like to do these things slowly. I like to wait to touch
it, until – there it goes.’ A thick, clear drop of liquid emerged from the tip
and trickled down the shaft. ‘Oh…’ He touched the head with his fingertips,
spreading the oily wetness, rubbing the smooth tip to a shine. The blush of his
cheeks was deepening, his eyes growing dreamy; they slowly closed.
‘What do you think about when you touch it?’
‘You, dummy. You… your voice, your hands, your mouth…’
‘Not any of those girls you’ve been courting disaster with?’ he teased.
‘No…’
‘See, Ally, you never really have grasped the idea that if you were in love
with a girl you would want to sleep with her.’
‘I wanted to sleep with Marlene,’ Allen pointed out.
‘No no no, not just be willing if she suggests it – actually wanting to,
dreaming about it, trying to make it happen any way you can.’
‘Only with you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Women seem… I don’t know, sacred. As if it’s somehow wrong to do that with
them, even within marriage. It’s different with a man.’
‘We’re not sacred?’ His eyes flicked from Allen’s face to his cock, slippery
and smooth as his fingers spread the liquid all over.
‘Not like that…’ Slowly, delicately, he wrapped his hand around the shaft and
began to slide it up and down. ‘Mmmhh…’ At the same time, the other hand
slipped down to cup his balls, gently rolling them.
‘How do they feel?’
‘You know… warm, soft, heavy…’
‘How do they feel inside.’
‘Good… very good… full of warm honey.’ He moved his fingers further down,
tilting his hips to give himself access to his opening. ‘Oh… this is still all
tingly from you playing with it…’ He slipped two fingers inside, catching his
breath at the sensation. He was breathing faster, stroking himself faster, an
expression of intense concentration on his face, biting his lower lip. ‘Please,
Gaddes, I need something inside.’
‘Just wait a moment – I’ll help you…’
Allen waited, breathless; he felt Gaddes get off the bed and go into the
bathroom. His fingers twitched inside him, putting sweet sharp pressure on that
little bulging soft something he could feel through a thin silky wall. He
doesn’t need to get anything to lubricate us, I feel as if I could just take
him as I am… I want it so much… Sense memory rehearsed the feeling of
spreading, filling, the warm hard shaft penetrating deeply, Gaddes’ sweating
body pressed to his, every fragment of his awareness filled with desire and
pleasure tumbling together in mutual provocation and satisfaction.
Footsteps padded across the floor and the featherbed shifted as Gaddes sat down
again.
‘Oh, thank goodness… Gaddes, come here now… I need it…’ He removed his fingers,
holding his hand open eagerly, wanting to guide him in. Something hard was
placed in his hand; something hard, smooth and cool. His eyes blinked open; the
wine-bottle was between his legs, Gaddes smiling at him.
‘Do something with the bottleneck, like you said,’ he whispered, leaning over
to tickle Allen’s ear with his breath. ‘Let me watch you do it.’
‘I – I don’t know…’
‘It’s a nice long neck… it should be able to hit the right spots inside you…’
Gaddes stroked his chest, pausing to gently pinch a nipple. ‘And here is the
little tube from my pants pocket, because I’m ready for anything.’
‘But I’ve never done anything like this.’
‘That’s why it’s so exciting to watch you.’
‘I… all right…’ He squeezed a little of the lubricant onto the green glass,
spreading it around. ‘It’s thinner than what I’m used to.’
‘Harder too.’
Allen lay back, lifting his hips and spreading his legs as far as he could,
sliding the bottle into place, feeling the cool rim part the opening, dilate
it, slowly slide in.
‘Oh God.’
‘Does it feel good?’
‘Y-yes…’
‘Push it in deeper.’
‘Yes.’ In a moment it was in as far as it could go; he was panting,
overwhelmed.
‘It must be hard holding your hips up like that – here.’ Gaddes pushed pillows
under his tense buttocks, giving him support.
‘Oh… ohhh…’
‘Nice?’
‘Yes.’
‘Move it a little bit.’
‘Oh…’
‘Pump it in and out.’ Gaddes was leaning over, watching keenly. ‘How is it?’
‘It’s… oh… hhh…’
‘I remember it being different from a cock… more intense…’
‘You’ve done this?’ he asked, startled.
‘Had it done to me. I like watching you do it to yourself better.’ He dropped a
kiss on the tip of Allen’s quivering cock.
‘P-please…’
‘Want me to take over?’
‘Mm…’
‘Let’s ease it out, then.’ He gently removed the bottle, put it aside,
positioned himself straddling Allen’s body with his head between his legs.
‘Can you draw your legs up a little higher?’
Allen hooked his hands behind his knees and complied.
‘I love this position… I can stroke you and lick you and suck you in all the
best places.’ Warm hands imprinted themselves on Allen’s buttocks, squeezing
and spreading them apart, and his tongue touched the reddened opening. He felt
Allen’s whole body twitch, his breath drawn in with a hiss.
‘I guess it’s very sensitive here by now.’
An earnest whimper, he responded with gentle, caressing licks, alternating
between stroking over and spiralling inward, before slowly inserting his
fingers and moving his head down to lick over Allen’s balls.
Lying back, trembling, Allen opened his eyes, gazed up at Gaddes’ body above
him, groin right above his head, thick cock hanging down; he reached up and
planted his hands on Gaddes’ buttocks, pulling him down, forcing his knees to
slide apart on the sheets, so that he could gently lick and discover that it
wasn’t just hanging down; if he’d lain on his back it would be standing to
attention.
‘Okay to put it right in your mouth?’ Gaddes breathed.
‘Mm…’
‘I’ll return the favour.’ Down further; he took the straining member in his
mouth, sucking in rhythm with the strokes of his fingers, and groaned as he
felt Allen’s mouth take him. Unable to stay up on his knees, he rolled the two
of them to the side, lying down, nuzzling deeper, pushing three fingers inside,
using his free hand to squeeze the base of Allen’s cock and hold him back from
orgasm. Little moans and squeals were sending their vibrations into his own
rigid, engorged flesh and it felt beautiful. Abruptly Allen jammed his thumb
between Gaddes’ buttocks, thrusting hard; he almost came and wrestled himself
back from the brink with difficulty. I want this to go on and on and on. So
perfect… him in me and me in him and the love just coursing through the two of
us, I suck it out of him and squirt it back in. They seemed to melt into one
creature, swallowing and giving birth to itself, a perpetual circuit of bliss,
until it just got too good to last, abruptly got even better, and released them
both with a storm of shudders, the pleasure for each of feeling salt spit from
the tense column enveloped in his kiss enhancing the white-gold rush in his
own.
They lay together, panting, feeling weak as newborns.
‘That was really… quite astonishing timing,’ Allen said, when he felt able to
speak. ‘How often is it that close?’
‘Once in a blue moon,’ Gaddes breathed. ‘I think we had the same orgasm.’
‘One between us?’
‘It’s nice to share.’ He heaved himself up and turned round, getting his head
to the same end of the bed as Allen’s. ‘Love you.’
‘Hmm… love you.’ A tangled, sweaty embrace and a deep, messy kiss.
‘Want to just go to sleep?’
‘Just as soon as I clean my teeth and wash my face.’
‘Don’t do that… stay sticky all night.’
‘Gaddes. Do I have to be firm with you?’
‘No. If it comes to that I need to go to the toilet now.’
‘But after that I’ll sleep all night in your arms.’
 
Gaddes woke quite late in the morning, by the feel of it, and by the light
visible through the sage-green curtains. Allen was still nestled in his arms,
head cradled on his shoulder, one leg thrown affectionately across both his,
one arm across his chest.
Two arms.
Two arms that were both the right arm.
Gaddes raised his head cautiously and found Celena sleeping on Allen’s other
side, snuggled up to his back, on top of the covers with the extra comforter
drawn up over her. He put his free hand over Allen’s mouth and, being
desperately careful not to disturb the girl, nipped at his earlobe to wake him
up.
‘Hmpsh?’
‘Shh.’
‘Who’s… oh,’ Allen whispered. ‘How did she get in here?’
‘She must’ve woken up and been lonely. I guess she’s open-minded if she didn’t
scream the house down at the sight of us curled up together.’
‘Good Lord.’
‘What are we going to tell her?’
‘I… I suppose the truth.’
‘Really?’
‘Can you think of a lie that would make sense? Besides, she’s my sister. The
two of you are the most important people to me in the world. She should know.’
‘That’s a really funny thought. Someone else knowing.’
‘Well, we have to tell her. So we can follow it up with, “By the way, Celena,
we like to have privacy in our bedroom”.’ He tipped his head to look at the
sleeping girl. ‘She’s sweet, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to
sleep with us.’
‘No, especially since any girl that lies down in our bed could get knocked up
by the sheets.’
‘Don’t be coarse.’
‘It’s true.’
‘All right, but it’s still coarse.’ He tweaked a hair on Gaddes’ chest to show
him he was in disgrace. ‘I think I’m coping very well with a situation that I
would find quite shocking if that weren’t hypocritical.’
‘Sorry, Boss.’
‘I have everyone I need to be happy,’ Allen murmured, hugging Gaddes tight and
closing his eyes. ‘Whatever happens…’
‘Nothing has to happen yet.’
‘Yes. Let’s just wait for Celena to wake up.’
 
‘Aren’t you going to eat that?’
Allen looked up from his breakfast plate. ‘What? No.’
‘Waste of perfectly good eggs,’ Gaddes pointed out.
‘I’ll have them,’ Celena said, reaching out eagerly. Allen let her take his
plate and scrape the contents onto her own.
‘You’re a bottomless pit,’ Gaddes said, grinning. She poked her tongue out at
him and dug in.
‘She’s a growing girl,’ Allen said, reaching out to stroke Celena’s hair
affectionately, twining a curl around his fingers ‘and I don’t feel hungry.’
‘Go and get it over with, then, and come home with a normal appetite.’
‘Get what over with?’ Celena asked, with her mouth full.’
‘Today I have to see King Aston,’ Allen reminded her.
‘Oh… right.’ She looked downcast. ‘Why can’t I remember things?’
‘You remember important things,’ Gaddes pointed out encouragingly.
‘No I don’t,’ she said. ‘Yesterday for about half an hour I didn’t know who
Allen was. I just pretended until it came back to me, and then I was all
chuffed to realise that I had a brother.’
‘Oh.’
‘And I keep losing your name.’
‘Gaddes. I’m not sure why that’s so hard to remember. Shall I wear a little
label?’
‘Will you two be all right together while I’m gone?’ Allen asked anxiously.
‘Course we will. As long as she knows who I am.’
‘It’s not nice to make fun of people who have had memory problems,’ she said,
snapping her napkin at him.
Allen glanced up at the clock. ‘I’d better go. It won’t help matters if I’m
late.’
‘Hold on,’ said Gaddes, also getting up from his chair. ‘I’m not sure if I’m
being a wife or a valet or what, but just let me put you straight.’ He gave a
twitch to Allen’s cravat and brushed a bit of fluff off his shoulder. ‘There.’
‘That was unnervingly wifely,’ Allen said, laughing.
‘Ah, but I wear the pants and you wear a skirt.’
‘Only over my pants,’ Allen said over his shoulder, as he left.
‘You’re very strange boys,’ Celena said thoughtfully. ‘But I suppose I can’t
talk. I’m odd enough myself.’
‘I wonder if these things run in families. Did Dilandau like boys?’ He realised
as he was speaking that that was a tactless thing to say; a shadow passed over
her face and she looked down at her plate stonily.
‘Well,’ he said brightly, trying to recover lost ground, ‘that’s not really
important now, is it? What matters is for you to get on with life as Celena.
And your brother and I will both do everything we can to help with that.’
‘We are a family of misfits,’ she said, not sounding entirely displeased about
it.
‘Do you think I’m part of the family?’ he asked, mildly surprised and strongly
pleased.
‘Well, yes… like a brother-in-law.’
‘We were only joking about me being his wife. Or if I were, he’d be just as
much my wife. It isn’t as if either of us plays a female part. Or feels like a
woman inside.’ He found himself quite anxious to make that perfectly clear. ‘I
mean, Allen jokes about being effeminate and things, but that’s only a quirk of
his. He just… just…’ He faltered.
‘He just likes to have the option of picking up the things about being a girl
that he would like, without having to give up being a boy,’ Celena said calmly,
as if the idea were quite natural. ‘I feel the same way, only coming from the
opposite direction. You must help me work on him to get him to let me wear
trousers. It isn’t that I don’t like dresses, but it’s almost impossible to
ride or run or do anything energetic in a long skirt. And if Princess Millerna
wears them I don’t see why I shouldn’t.’ She rested her cheek on her hand,
looking at him with a smile. ‘And you do it too.’
‘No I don’t,’ he said, somehow embarrassed.
‘You do – you like to look after people.’
‘Being protective is a perfectly masculine trait,’ he harrumphed.
‘Not just protective. Nurturing. It’s a nice thing – you shouldn’t feel it’s
unmanly.’
‘I don’t see where you get off sounding so wise,’ he said. ‘With only five
years’ life experience.’
‘No,’ she said quietly. He was afraid he’d really hurt her feelings with that
snitty remark, but she seemed calm, only a little pensive. ‘I was alive all the
time – my mind, I mean. I felt like a ghost, except instead of haunting a
place, I haunted the body that used to be mine. Dilandau was never aware of me,
but I was there, seeing, hearing, feeling, knowing. I thought a lot about
everything that went on. It nearly drove me crazy sometimes, being a witness to
everything he did and not being able to stop him or even make him think about
it. I knew all his thoughts too; knew he always believed – no, always knew he
was right. That was horrible, because sometimes it made me doubt my own ideas,
what I’d managed to put together in my mind. But I always felt, from the bottom
of my heart, that it couldn’t be right to treat people as if they didn’t matter
– as if they didn’t have real feelings and lives that were important to them,
anyway. But I don’t think Dilandau could even imagine that they did.’
It was the most he’d ever heard her say about Dilandau, and he had a funny
feeling that it had come out now because Allen wasn’t around. Cautiously, he
covered her hand with his and gave it a little squeeze.
‘I think you turned out really well, then,’ he said. ‘You’re as brave and
ballsy as your brother.’
She looked up with a smile, her eyes brightened by tears. ‘So I definitely
deserve to wear trousers, then!’
‘Heh. Yes.’
 
Allen waited in the antechamber, uncomfortably aware of his clothes, how hot
and heavy they felt, which they never normally did. You’re just self-conscious
because you’re not looking forward to this interview, he told himself sensibly.
Unfortunately, understanding his feelings did nothing to change them. There was
a rustle in the arras hanging behind him, and Princess Millerna suddenly
stepped out, dressed in her tomboy trousers and with dustbunnies in her hair.
‘Millerna-hime?’
‘There’s a secret door behind the tapestry,’ she said, and gave him a
conspiratorial smile, running her fingers through her bangs to remove the dust.
‘Are you all right, Allen? You look a little worried.’
‘Well, to be frank I’m simply hoping that your father isn’t going to order my
execution.’
‘Of course he won’t do that. You’re a hero!’
‘I know he wouldn’t… it was a little joke.’
‘Oh.’ They both felt awkward, and glanced away from each other’s gaze.
‘How are you, Millerna-hime?’
‘Well. Quite well.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I had a letter from Dryden
yesterday.’
‘Oh, and how is he?’
‘Not very well. He fell off a horse and re-opened one of his wounds from the
wedding day. I’m going to see him tomorrow.’ She flicked a nervous smile at
him. ‘He says he thinks it’s a sign that he shouldn’t have gone away from me.
Silly old thing.’
‘I had thought his injuries were healed.’
‘They should have been. Well, I’ll be able to take care of him myself if need
be.’ She paused, and looked up at him expectantly.
‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘He’s lucky to have a wife like you.’
‘Well, um, we’re not exactly married any more… he gave me back the ring. You
could say we’re having a break.’
‘Then you’re lucky to have a husband like him… one who leaves you a free
choice. Arranged marriages can turn out terribly unhappily, Millerna-hime. I
know from my parents’ example. Wait a little… decide when you’re ready.’
‘Well, so many things could affect my decision,’ she said, sounding a little
desperate. ‘Outside factors.’
‘All that matters is whether you feel you can love Dryden and make a happy life
with him.’
She glared at him.
‘Millerna-hime, have I said something wrong?’
‘You know perfectly well,’ she said. ‘I’m – I’m tired of being uncertain. I’m
tired of people having secrets. Tell me honestly. Are you a – a factor I should
take into consideration?’
‘Millerna-hime, I will always be your servant, and, I hope, your friend,’ he
said gently.
‘Hitomi’s gone, you know,’ she said, a little sharply.
‘Yes, I know.’
‘Allen, what do you want?’
He looked at her, wondering how to be truthful without being hurtful. ‘I want
to live quietly and take care of my sister. She’s suffered terribly. I believe
I have to think of her before myself, for quite some time to come.’
‘Oh.’ She looked down, straightening the short skirt over her trousers. She
didn’t look exactly pleased with that explanation, but it seemed to be
satisfactory. ‘I hope she’s feeling better.’
‘A little better every day, I think.’
‘And Gaddes? How’s Gaddes?’
‘He’s fine. He’ll be pleased to hear that you asked, I’m sure.’
‘He’s a dear good man.’
‘I think so.’ He gave a faint smile. At that moment, he was called by the court
herald.
‘Good luck,’ Millerna said, hastily rising on her toes to press a kiss on his
cheek. ‘And if he’s horrible to you, tell me and I’ll have tantrums until he
relents.’
Kneeling with his sword on the carpet beside him, his head bowed, Allen waited
to be spoken to. After some time, he heard King Aston clear his throat and take
a sip from the glass of water offered by the servitor next to his throne.
‘Allen Schezar.’
‘Yes, Your Majesty?’
‘I’ve been wondering what I should do with you.’ Allen looked up, cautiously,
trying to judge the king’s tone.
‘The trouble with you, Allen, is that although you’re an excellent knight, you
are unreliable. Your first loyalty does not lie with your sovereign.’
‘I have always tried to do what I believed was right and honourable, Your
Majesty,’ Allen said, carefully. ‘I believe you were misled and ill-advised
concerning the early events of the war.’
‘The king is ill-advised,’ the old man said, with a sardonic smile. ‘The
loyalist’s explanation for poor decisions on the part of the monarch. You are
saying that you feel I made poor decisions, are you not?’
‘It is not my place to judge your decisions, Your Majesty.’ He kept his voice
and face carefully neutral.
‘This is as good a time as any to ask you,’ King Aston said abruptly, ‘what
your intentions are regarding my daughter.’
‘Your daughter, Your Majesty?’
‘Princess Millerna. I hope you don’t intend to take another of my daughters
away from me.’
‘I am not romantically interested in any of your daughters, Your Majesty.
However misguided I may have been in the past, I know better now.’
‘Don’t you like my daughters?’
‘I am not worthy of such beautiful and noble women.’
‘You are smoother than a fish’s belly,’ the king mused. ‘And quite as hard to
grasp firmly. I won’t pretend, young man, that I don’t want to keep you as far
away from me and my family as possible. The question is only where to send
you.’
‘Please, Your Majesty – ‘
‘You’re interrupting me? It must be important. Go on.’
‘I only ask Your Majesty to remember that I have my sister to care for.’
‘So?’
‘So – so I would like to be sent somewhere peaceful and healthy for her. I – I
could not stay in a place like my last posting.’
‘In other words, if I sent you back to the swamps, you would leave, wouldn’t
you?’ He paused a moment, and then, to Allen’s surprise, began to laugh.
‘Your Majesty?’
‘Nothing, nothing. I think you’ll like this. Consider it a reward for doing
what was, after all, the right thing. It’s both as remote as I could wish and
as pleasant, I think, as you could wish.’ Taking a folded and sealed parchment
from the arm of his throne, he tossed it to land on the carpet in front of
Allen. ‘Go home, young man. And try not to attract my attention for a while.’
 
Allen had difficulty finding Celena and Gaddes when he got home, but eventually
located them in the garden, hacking down and uprooting the weeds that had grown
up around the artificial grotto, a corner of the grounds that the garden staff
had apparently neglected. Celena was wearing a pair of Gaddes’ trousers with
the legs rolled up and the waist cinched in, with grass-stains all over her
blouse and dirt on her face. She looked up from her work with a radiant smile
and he decided nothing else on her face really mattered.
‘How’d it go?’ she asked.
‘You’ve been shopping,’ Gaddes said accusingly.
‘They’re presents,’ Allen said. ‘Celebrating presents. See if there’s anything
you like in that, Celena.’ He threw her a large paper bag, filled with smaller
parcels wrapped in white tissue paper. She tore the uppermost one open and
found a brilliantly-coloured silk scarf.
‘Oh, Allen!’
‘What do I get?’ Gaddes asked, throwing down an armload of kikuyu grass and
coming over.
‘I don’t know. Do you think you deserve anything?’ After glancing about to be
sure they were unobserved, he put his arms around Gaddes’ waist and leaned his
head against his shoulder, breathing in the scent of warm skin and crushed
grass that rose from his shirt.
‘Well, if you’re happy with how it’s turned out, I think that’s reward enough
for me.’
‘I don’t think these are for me,’ Celena said, holding up a pair of grey silk
socks. ‘Far too big for my little feet.’
‘No, those are Gaddes’ treat,’ Allen said, smiling.
‘Rgh. You won’t be happy until you dandify me, will you?’ He kissed Allen on
the cheek.
‘I just want to wrap you up in silk. You can be as rugged as you like inside
the silk!’
‘Well, what’s the result? Where are we going?’
‘Have you heard,’ Allen asked, stepping back and taking the parchment from his
pocket, ‘of the Poor Knights Islands?’
‘Vaguely. They’re some sort of little colony of ours, aren’t they? Way out to
sea.’ Gaddes took the parchment and unfolded it.
‘A dominion, actually. Yes. A little archipelago of volcanic islands, not far
from the entrance to our inland sea. Ships coming from far away very often make
a short stop there to reprovision and give their crews a little rest. They’re
an odd place; besides the native peasants, who by most accounts are as good as
pagans paying lip service to religion and civilisation, they seem to exert a
magnetic attraction on eccentrics, artists, poets, scions of noble families now
out of favour, people who simply can’t find a place in normal society,
ne’erdowells and troublemakers. Do you begin to see why we’re being sent
there?’
‘Just a bit,’ said Gaddes, chuckling.
‘They have a problem, too, with pirates, and with wreckers – a shore-based
version of same who lure ships onto the rocks with false lights, then loot
them.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘And they need a Governor-General.’
‘Yowp!’
‘You just got to that part on the paper, did you?’
‘Yes! And I can’t believe it!’
‘It’s not really a prestigious posting,’ Allen said, stretching his arms lazily
over his head, ‘given how remote and really quite unimportant the islands are…
but we can be happy there, don’t you think?’ Gaddes had started to laugh again.
‘You just saw the name of the Governor’s residence, didn’t you?’ he asked,
sitting down on the grass and smiling up at him.
‘Unicorn House. That couldn’t be more perfect.’
‘Why?’ asked Celena, looking up from her exploration of a large box of
chocolates.
‘Private joke,’ Allen said, turning his sunny gaze on her. ‘It’s a beautiful
place. Olive groves, grey mountains, green fields, beaches with white sand as
fine as powder and blue water as clear as glass, tiny lakes and little rushing
streams, twisty cypress trees, marshes haunted by waterfowl… a place out of our
dreams. Arcadia.’
‘The name of the place sounds so romantic, too,’ she said. ‘Poor Knights… I
wonder who they were.’
‘Um, no,’ said Gaddes. ‘The only thing I ever have been able to remember about
the Poor Knights Islands is how they got their name. They’re called that
because this navigator long ago was on a long, long sea voyage… and they were
the first bit of land he saw after months away from home… and he named them
after the stodgy home-made comfort food he was missing most. Poor Knights are
dumplings floating in soup. My mother used to make them and tell us that
story.’
‘Oh,’ said Celena, sounding disgruntled. ‘How unromantic.’
‘I’m sure we can find enough romance for you in a place like that,’ Allen said.
‘Really? Why, are there lots of handsome young men there?’
Allen looked distinctly flustered. ‘I didn’t mean like that! Celena, you are
not to go making a fool of yourself – I forbid it!’
‘Oh, come on, if they’re nice young men where’s the harm?’ Gaddes asked,
throwing himself down to rest on one elbow.
‘Gaddes! Be on my side!’
‘You see, now you’re here we can gang up and tease him together,’ Gaddes said,
grinning at Celena. ‘Great fun!’
‘Don’t you dare corrupt my darling little sister!’ Allen said. ‘And I stand by
what I said. I will not have anyone unworthy making advances.’
‘I think I can decide for myself who I like,’ Celena said loftily. She finished
binding her new scarf, twisted into a band, around her head, and shook her
silvery curls.
‘Then you’ll just have to tolerate Gaddes and me beating them with the flat of
our swords if we don’t approve of them.’
‘Allen! Don’t you dare!’
‘And throwing them in the sea,’ Gaddes added.
‘No!’
‘You really have no sense of loyalty,’ Allen said, poking him in the ribs. ‘Who
are you teasing?’
‘Whoever’s more fun at the time.’ He grinned up at him unrepentantly.
‘It isn’t just a holiday, you know. You and I will have much serious work to
do. Not to mention the adjustment you’ll have to make to civilian life. And
being a valet. Your new appointment.’
‘Does that mean I have to wash your clothes?’
‘No – you do have to take care of them, though. Lay them out for me in the
mornings, and so forth.’
‘You’ve managed perfectly well without anyone doing that for the last six
years!’
‘I wasn’t a Governor then.’
‘Does this mean I get to dress you up however I want?’
‘Yes, so all those childhood years you spent repressing the urge to play with
dolls will – ow! Bully!’ They rolled over, play-fighting.
‘You’re both mad,’ said Celena.
‘No, this is how men show affection, by punching,’ Allen said, sitting on
Gaddes’ stomach and bouncing.
‘Exactly… mad…’
(End)
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!