Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8019418.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Dragon_Age_II, Dragon_Age_(Video_Games), Dragon_Age_-_All_Media_Types
  Relationship:
      Fenris/Female_Hawke, Anders/Fenris
  Character:
      Fenris_(Dragon_Age), Anders_(Dragon_Age), Female_Hawke, Varric_Tethras,
      Isabela_(Dragon_Age), Aveline_Vallen
  Additional Tags:
      Drama, Drama_&_Romance, Romance, Friendship, Friendship/Love
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-09-12 Updated: 2017-03-16 Chapters: 5/? Words: 8851
****** If love is a labour, I'll slave til the end ******
by Lia_Ilpukhir
Summary
     "I'll show you mine if you show me yours first. - Let's compare
     scars, I'll tell you whose is worse. - Let's unwrite these pages and
     replace them with our own words." [Rise Against - Swing Life Away] /
     / A story, time classified in Act 2, which tells about friendship,
     love, sorrow and passion.
***** Hawke *****
The sun was long gone; the dark of the night fell peacefully over the Wounded
Coast. A bonfire lit up to the free surface on which the companions were
resting. It was not a long distance to Kirkwall, nevertheless, exhausted as
they were, they decided to rest here for the night. They had destroyed a horde
of Tal-Vashoth in one of the caves. It had been very exhausting. The horde
seemed to have had no end and their potions had a tendency rather run short.
Thus, they decided to rest overnight. After all, it was not clear whether the
home journey would be without incident. You learned to expect trouble on the
Wounded Coast.
Silently, they sat all around the camp fire. Still to wound up from adrenaline,
they were unable to sleep, but too exhausted to talk. Even Varric was silent,
not commenting on what had just happened. However, his judging by his facial
expressions, it could be imagined, that he was already filling the experience
with details to make it an entertaining story.
Hawke was grinning, as she imagined how he would brag the next day in the
Hanged Man of how she had jumped up to the ceiling of the cave, in order to
make the leader of the Tal-Vashoth with her daggers as brutal as possible. That
the ceiling was far higher than the Qunari he would conveniently conceal.
She grinned again, and laid her head back against the wall of the old ruins
amongst which they were camping and closed her eyes. She felt the fatigue wash
over her as a gentle impact slammed down on her shoulder. Startled, she opened
her eyes and turned to look at the cause. It was ash she suspected. Her
companion, Anders, had found sleep. They were leaning shoulder to shoulder
against the wall and now his head was tilted to the side and was resting
familiarly on her shoulder. A smile flitted across her lips. He hat become a
really good friend to her here in Kirkwall.
A soulmate.
Shortly after they had met, there was a task in which they were asked to
eliminate a gang of bandits at night in the streets of Kirkwall. Hawke, Varric,
Isabela and Anders had been very successful and had therefore gone into the
Hanged Man to celebrate. It was a fun night, which ran down at one point to
Varric and Isabela were involved in-depth in a card game, while Hawk and Anders
had met at the bar.
It was pleasant to speak with him. He was a man who wore his heart on his
tongue. He had told her of his time with the Grey Wardens, the times in the
Circle, Karl...
He became a confidant for Hawke, something she had never had before. She always
had to be strong for ger family. Calm against Carver, and later being the rock
for Bethany and her mother to hold on too. Thus, she was in the habit of never
showing her own weaknesses. To always seem strong to anyone on the outside. At
least her facade had crumbed in front of her companions, as her mother had lay
dying in her arms. Now it was so much easier – he was always there for her.
When she spent time with him, she could even let her feelings show; the grief
over her mother and Carver… the fact that Bethany was in the circle. She missed
her little sister. At least she now had Anders. In the last three years a very
deep friendship had developed which hardly anyone understood.
Of course, everybody thought there was much more between them. They denied such
rumors, but it was no use. If Varric or Isabela teased them, and they denied
it, they only received a sarcastic disbelieving comments. For them, however, it
was clear that there is no interest in more. On the contrary, even. Anders
entrusted himself to her.
Carefully, she held Anders head and torso stable with her hands while she moved
a little further to the right. Slowly she let him sink with his head on her lap
and tried to make him as comfortable as possible. She gently stroked hair out
of his face, which had fallen from its braid, so that it didn't tickle and wake
him.
Then, she lifted her gaze to the flames of the campfire, which flickered in a
few feets away from her, then a little higher.
A ways behind the camp fire, Fenris was settled on a few smaller boulders and
concentrated on cleaning the blood from his great sword.
It was difficult to understand, but Anders actually had, in the first moment he
had met Fenris, started to develop feelings for the elf. He wanted to come
closer to him, to prove to him that not all mages were that bad. That they also
can do good things, as he does with his clinic. That mages can be good to him.
That he would do good things to him, ig he was be allowed. Anders wanted to
take the hatred from him, make him smile. Only one positive emotion to elicit –
but it did not work. He saw in Fenris more, as Hawke had seen for a long time.
Not only a hate-filled, vengeful elf that existed only to destroy his old
master. No, he saw him as someone who sought freedom, safety and security. Like
Anders. Someone who wanted to trust, but couldn't.
Unforunately, Fenris showed him only a cold shoulder, showered him with
hostility, because of his magic and his desire to be free. There was no chance,
but Anders wouldn't abandoned hope. It was a regular subject in their
conversations, how Anders handled the situations, how he felt when Fenris
blocked his attempts at friendship. But Hawke couldn't even help refuse the
hostility between them. She did not have a good relationship with Fenris. There
had always been distance between them. It was hard for him to understand her
view on mages, criticizing her regularly. Thus, Hawke has had a lot
difficulties trying to build real trust with him. She was too worried about the
safety of her sister. Over time, the distance between them grew, unitl it went
no further then Fenris followed orders in battle.
While she was deep in her thoughts his eyes raised and met hers, which were
still stuck on him.
Ashamed she wanted to look away. Her body screamed inwardly with the need to
give in. But she couldn't, wouldn't show any hint of weakness, and held his
gaze, keeping any expression from showing. He couldn't see that his view
softened her, made her stomach feel queasy, her heart hurtle; all at once.
She doesn't want him to know that she saw, in his eyes, more than pure
bitterness about life, but a slight hint of hope that maybe everything would be
better.
It warmed her whole body if one of Varric's jokes even made the elf smile.
Moments, in which his petrified masquerade fell. Moments, she enjoyed too much.
It wasn’t right. She wasn’t allowed to feel so, think so. To feel embarrassed,
just because he saw in her eyes. Something inconspicuous, which was still
infinitely intimate for her. This shouldn't be. It was not fair to Anders. All
of the talks, which they had had converted her initial view of Fenris. She
started to see what Anders saw. To see, what was behind the facet the elf kept
for his own protection. She started to understand about his acts and thoughts.
Still, it was just wrong. He was unpredictable and dangerous. Therefore, it was
no one her mother would have ever desired for her. He is no one with whom a
future would be possible, never mind a normal relationship.
This was probably what made him just so attractive to her. He was, at his core,
a good elf.
That Hawke had all of these thoughts made her sparks of hatred appear in her.
She hates herself for developing these feelings for Fenris just because Anders
had opened her eyes.
She sat there and tried to get through this brief moment of eye contact, in
which the elf paused in the brushing of his great sword. Even if he was
irritated about the situation he didn't show it. Instead he turned his glance
away, looking to his great sword, before he placed it against the rocks. With a
gallant swing, he lifted his legs from the ground placing them high on the
rocks. Turned a bit and then laid down on his back.
It didn’t seem to be that comfortable, but he probably was accustomed to much
worse places to sleep in the course of his life.
Despite of her feelings she had never stopped trying to remove the distance
between them. It remained reserved, even tense between them. It was better that
way.
She turned her eyes away, looked to Varric, who was still looking with shining
eyes at the fire, as if there would be his embellished story in there.
"Will you take the first watch, Varric?" She broke the silence. "Or are you
already sunk in dreams?"
"Me and dreaming? What do you think of me, Hawke!“ Replied Varric who seemed in
fact torn from deep thoughts. "Of course, Bianca and I will keep out every
possible sleep robber!"
"Fine." She grinned. "Wake me when you want to change."
She leaned her head back on the wall, looked just one more time unconsciously
to the sleeping elf before she closed her eyes.
***** Hawke *****
Chapter Notes
     I hope it is not that terrible with my english ♥
The next day had begun, the sun rose softly in tender orange along the wounded
coast.
They packed up their things. Thanks the Maker that the night had run quietly.
Though therefore they were all hungry, but, otherwise, so far recovered.
While they followed their way to Kirkwall, Fenris and Anders had again a battle
of words of a probably never ending discussion. Varric was in between, tried to
mediate in charmingly witty manner. Hawke kept out. She wanted to hit neither
herself on a side nor offend somebody of both. She was on Anders side, because
Fenris exaggerated extremely. But she also understood that he thought in his
way. Therefore it made no sense to interfere there. She would probably rather
add fuel to the fire than to provide a peaceful mood. Varric was unambiguously
better for this job.
Therefore she rather concentrated upon the surroundings. Anytime something
could happen, an attack from the ambush. Hence, the usual discussion was anyway
rather secondary - practically seen. Moreover, she had already got used too
much to it. Hawke has too often had Fenris as well as Anders with her party.
Anders was not only a good friend, but also an excellent mage as well as a
healer. His experiences as a grey warden and apostate proved themselves over
and over again. Fenris qualities were also hardly to be substituted in the
close fight. Though Aveline was also gorgeous, but as a captain of the guard
she was clamped only too well. Moreover, because of her position she did not
support every decision of Hawke what risked their friendship needlessly. In the
beginning with Fenris it had made no difference to her what he thoughts of her
decisions. There it counted that he fought fantastically and was robust. A fact
that Hawke well situated. Though she could take with her daggers in stride in a
close fight, however, the danger was too big with a great mass that she could
not make away quickly enough and was injured. There she endured much less than
Fenris.
Moreover, she took Fenris then for the time also for Anders on occasion. He
wanted to have him beside, show him his good sides. The good sides of the
magic. To have this discussions with him which they had at this moment to
persuade him maybe one day. Then subconsciously it developed that she was the
reason why she wanted him including. To feel his presence, watch him, hear his
still so bitter voice speaking. At the moment where she realized her feelings
she wanted to avoid him. No distraction because of his presence, no rotten
feeling in her stomach. Feeling weak. And also she doesn’t want to see the
unlucky attempts of Anders anymore. Then his sad look he threw to her secretly.
The cheering up smile, the encouraging touches which she gave him then to cheer
him up again. Unfortunately she was not able to do this anymore as honestly as
earlier. Now it felt wrong and this was not fair.
A light quake went through her body. The ground vibrated a little. Hawke cursed
– nevertheless, she wanted to be attentive! For this reason exactly she did not
want to have Fenris anymore in their party. Constantly she digressed absolutely
needlessly with her thoughts.
At the next moment several holes opened on the ground around them. Shades
glided through the ground to the surface like lava which could do them nothing.
Fenris reacted instinctively and killed directly one which came too close.
Anders used a fire rain about us, while Varric tried to win some distance to
the enemies. Hawke overlooked the situation at first. The shades had appeared
directly before them, therefore it was quite right that Varric ran back. A bit
further an arcane horror appears. Hawke decided immediately and used the moment
of the chaos to glide directly practically unnoticed through the shades –
directly to the arcane horror. It is collecting energy for his attack, seemed
quite concentrated. Hawke used the moment and pushed her 2 daggers in his
stomach, pulled them out, moved behind him and attacked next time, but this
time with full strength. The arcane horror lost his accumulated energy,
collapsed weakened. Hawke still performed few other attacks, Varric shot also
various arrows at the creature, until it also went down to the ground. Hawke
breathed hard, looked to her remaining companions. Now Varric was occupied with
a few shades which freshly climbed from the earth. Gave them no chance to
defend themselves. Fenris on the other side was surrounded of shades and a rage
demon had also appeared. Besides, Anders was holding the enemies around Fenris
under control, but it doesn’t seemed to be necessary. Fenris had it already
completely under control. With an impressive ease he lifted his greatsword
upwards, performed sweeping a pirouette with it he sank down his greatsword
with a loud cry. With the flow of the movement he destroyed immediately 2
shades and injured the rage demon appreciable. He looked almost sensuous like a
dancer as he moved barefoot and swung with elegant and still powerful movements
the greatsword around himself and ruined the opponents completely. Because the
fight seemed to be won, she allowed herself for a short moment of memories, as
a Varric had asked Fenris what he would do the whole day at home - and Fenris
joked that he would dance. Suddenly this statement was not so wrong at all.
„Hawke, Maker, turn you! Pay attention! “, Varric ripped her out from her
thoughts. Her glance cleared up again, was aware of what happened, actually. A
renewed quake was to be felt, indeed, this time it was more like something what
would hit, over and over again. Were these immense steps?
Before Hawke could turn round, an arrow shot up already directly along her. The
aim seemed to be immediately behind her. While she turned around, she saw
flashes from Anders stave flew and Fenris ran with a renewed fight shout
directly in her direction. At the end of her rotation she got the sight of a
huge creature – an ogre. Directly before her. She directly tried to run away,
however, the paw of the creature already reached for her. Panic wanted to arise
in her, pictures of Carver came to her mind. But she suppressed them, she tried
to loose from the clutch. Her arms were impacted, the daggers still in her
hands – these cut her painfully in her own thighs. It did not seem to impress
the ogre, although his claw would have to be cut.
Fenris uses his approach and jumped upwards, cuts straight to the ogres arm. A
pain shout came from the creature, the clutch of the ogre became stronger. Now
also Hawke could not suppress a pain shout anymore. The daggers cut even
further in the flesh. Her bones felt as if they broke any minute.
Before she could realize what had happen, the whole pressure feeling was away
from one second to another. Her body inhaled instinctively. She enjoyed the
feeling how her chest filled with air, so much that she noticed only with the
impact that she has had fallen. The ogre had let her go. Pain of the impact in
itself was not that bad, even more the other pains paralyzed her. The daggers
lay beside her on the ground. She reached for them, wanted to get up fast. The
magic of Anders and the arrows of Varric hit on the ogre. Fenris had jumped
next time to add damage to the ogre. In spite of the weight of the sword and
the height of the jump no sound of his landing was to be heard.
Fenris saw to her, looked at her legs. „Hawke, bring yourself in security!“ the
elf called to her. She ventured herself only a moment a look at her legs which
were covered in blood. She pressed herself with her hands from the ground, the
daggers holding tight. She moved her legs slowly, too strongly was the pain.
However, she bites her teeth together, did not pause in the movement until she
stood completely on her legs. Important muscles did not seem to have been
injured. She was angry to have no more healing drinks with herself to be able
of fight rudimentary. Therefore she turned around to the fighting and limped
reverse to the direction of Varric and Anders. Now Fenris was alone towards to
the creature in the front. His lyrium marks shone brightly, a cry follows the
next. The ogre became slower, but also Fenris got lost noticeably his
perseverance. The ogre noticed this apparently, used the moment of the rest of
Fenris to grab him. Fenris tried to get away, but was not quick enough. „No!“,
Hawke squealed uncontrolled. She fades her pains in her legs out and sprinted
off. The daggers in attack position. No, these pictures which she had seen with
Carver they should not replay. She did not want to watch over again idly. She
did not want that Fenris because of her inattentiveness … she could and did not
want to lead this thought to an end.
Hawke took a bottle from her belt and threw it to the ogre to take from him the
view and also to weaken him. But the reaction of the ogre was totally not as
expected. He seemed to want to wag with his paws the fog away. Therefore he
swung and threw Fenris like a doll with full force against the rock face. The
elf bounced off and kept lying still. Her heart made a short dropout which she
immediately gained under control. She had to focus her feelings in the right
direction. „Anders, freeze him!“, she ordered to her friend. He nodded
affirmative and fired directly a blue beam from his stave. The creature
freezed. „Varric, your strongest shot!“ – „As you wish, Hawke!“ he laughed. He
fired him. Hawke had walked around meanwhile the ogre, jumped up, so high she
was able. It made no sense to try to get hold with the feet. Hence, she shifted
her weight in such a way that she landed with her daggers in the back of the
ogre and sting directly with all strength. At the same moment the shot of
Varric hit head-on. The plan worked out. The ogre disintegrated into many small
ice parts.
The young woman landed directly in the middle of the lumps. Still completely
dazed from the adrenalin, the pain was to be stood. But she allowed herself no
moment to rest to gain control of the breathing. She stood up, put the daggers
in her holder and ran directly to Fenris which had not moved. He laid there in
such a way as he had fallen. Anders had already come to him, knelt beside him.
Hawke depended and tries to fathoming Anders expression. But he was paralyzed,
just staring for one moment at Fenris. As if he does not want to know how his
being is. No expression was to be seen, as he was trying to put down a counter
which gave him the professionalism which he needed now. He looked calm. Hawke
was the complete opposite. She did not know where with herself. She sank even
beside the body on the knees. Feld the beat of her heart again in her breast. A
dumpling formed in her throat. Fenris arm laid strangely bent, his hair was
impregnated by blood. His right body side was overflowed with interfaces, open
wounds and blood. It was to see with which side he had banged into the rock.
She kneaded her hands in her lap, further saw to Fenris. „Anders, please …“,
she spoke briefly. Even with the little of words she noticed how her voice
trembled. She couldn’t say more. She felt that Anders took a briefly look at
her. Irritated about the weakly order from the otherwise so objective Hawke.
Exactly for this reason she did not lift her glance. But then she saw how
Anders hands looked for a pulse of Fenris. She looked up to him, wanted to try
to recognize with the help of his face the result. Though he bent at the same
time over the elf, held his ear about Fenris' slightly opened mouth. Anders
straighten up. „He lives. His pulse and his respiration are weak, but he lives.
“, he said, obviously relieved. He smiled and saw to her. She felt a stone
drops from her heart. But she couldn’t smile yet, felt a lump in her throat and
tears formed in her eyes. She turned her head away. „Very well. “, she said
scarcely, turned away her look and wanted to get up. But the pain of her legs
broke upon her, after her adrenalin level dropped again. She slumped again.
Andes had jumped up, came to her side to support her. „Is everything okay?“, he
asked, audible bewildered. „Just pain, further everything is okay. “, she tried
to say strong, but the voice did not sound as strong as awaited. With the back
of her hand she wiped a tear from the face, smiled at him. But she couldn’t
stand it for long. She saw in his eyes that he did not believed her smile.
However he said nothing. He brought her to a smaller rock, set her down on it.
She used the moment of the relaxation to take a look around to Varric. He has
started to loot the dead enemies directly after the fight and safeguarded at
the same time the environment, while they looked after Fenris. But now there
was from the dwarf far and wide no track. „Have you seen Varric?“, she asked
Anders, hopeful that she just had overlooked something. „No. I suppose that he
looks for help. “, he replied briefly. Hawke wanted to get up, look for him.
But when she shifted her weight again to her legs, she felt too much pain, so
that she had to sit down again. „Let me take a look on your wound“, said Anders
with a gesture that she should keep her seat. She agreed, while she was quiet.
He knelt down before her, felt the thighs and examined the wounds. „These
wounds will not restrict you for too long - except they will infect.“, he
noticed and confirmed with her supposition. He brought out a bandage of his
pocket. He began to mutter something, while he bandaged her thighs. „The pains
should be dammed temporary, until we are in Kirkwall.“, he said and stood up,
the hand reached to her to help her up. She accepted the hand, stood up. It was
indeed much better now. "Thanks". He nodded, turned away. He was unusual
impersonal to her. „Anders, …“, she started and reached for his arm, so that he
must stop and turn to her. She did not know what she should say. He stopped
indeed, also turned round. „Not now, Hawke.“, he said. „We should rather get on
the way as fast as possible. Fenris must be treated.“
He turned his face away as it got painful features. „This is probably not only
in my interest.“, he supplemented bitterly - scarcely audible while he already
walked across to Fenris. Hawke couldn’t move for a moment. Now it was clear to
her, that he knows something. He was sensitive enough and he knew her just too
well so he exactly knew how he should classify the situation. Then she followed
him in silence. Anders examined Fenris arm and his shoulder, before he set the
shoulder with a skilful jerk. After that they lifted the elf silently high and
placed him between themselves, his arms laid around their shoulders. Even if
the magic of Anders worked well, the weight bearing by the elf was awkward, but
to endure. Where was this damned dwarf now?
Thanks to the Maker, elves were not that tall, so Fenris didn’t touched the
ground because of Anders size. They went back on the way to Kirkwall, took a
look around after Varric. Indeed they saw him approach – directly behind it two
guardsmen. One city guard Hawke recognized directly as Donnic.
„Varric, you shouldn’t go away without a notice!“, she admonished him. „I am
sorry, Hawke. But I have seen that this patrol was already on the way to
Kirkwall. And I thought we could use some help on the way back. “, he explained
himself. She nodded, because Varric was right.
„Hello, nice to see you, Donnic. “, she greeted the city guard and nodded
greeting to the tall second guardsman. He nodded back, consciously kept in the
background. „Greetings to you, Hawke. I have heard that you have survived an
ogre's attack and could need help. “, he nodded to Fenris which hung limp
between Anders and Hawke. Hawkes legs trembled a little, they did not manage
with the weight bearing. She nodded. „Fenris has to go urgently back to
Kirkwall. I doubt that we make a fast headway in our condition. “, she
confessed. Donnic nodded affirmative, saw on her thighs. She followed his look,
saw that the bright bandages meanwhile became red. Donnic came up to them,
pressed her a little bit aside and undertook her position, while he laid Fenris
arm over his own shoulders and placed the arm behind his back. Hawke stepped
aside. After that Donnic laid his second arm under the knees of the elf and
raised him up, whereby Anders also stepped aside.
„Then we should start out for Kirkwall, I would say!“, Donnic assume command
with which they got on the way together.
***** Hawke *****
When they reached Kirkwall, Anders and Varric went directly to Darktown to get
everything from Anders clinic what he will need for the treatment. Hawkes pain
in her legs had increased again so she limped a little. Therefor Donnic
accompanied her to Fenris’ mansion. The other guardsman had already made his
way to the barracks to inform Aveline about the incident.
Arrived in Fenris’ mansion Hawke held with her free hand the door open for
Donnic, so that he could carry the elf unscathed through the door. He had shown
no sign of life yet. They carried him straight through the antechamber, over to
the hall. A musty smell rose into her nose. She hadn’t been often here, in
addition she had searched too rarely the conversation with Fenris. Everywhere
were flaws, no matter where to look at. In the ground, the walls, the ceiling.
The humidity pervaded straight through the rooms. Pictures hung askew, objects
lay loveless in the corner. Spider webs and dust as far as the eye can see.
Tiles detached of the ground.
They went up the stairs which creaked menacingly under their weight. The room,
which Fenris uses as a living space, didn’t look better. Everywhere were dusty
books lying opened, also sides ripped out. Also were wine bottles everywhere
spread all over, the most almost emptied.
A table with a view chairs was placed directly on the left side of the
entrance. On the right side a fireplace, a few benches were put in a square
before it. A big cupboard as well as a chest were in the back corner on the
right. The space behind the table on the left side has a recess in which also a
were cupboard and a chest. Moreover there was a small bed. Donnic went to it,
put the elf carefully on it. "Thanks", Hawke said to the guardsman, leaning the
great sword from Fenris against the wall next to the bed. Donnic nodded. „My
pleasure, Hawke. Willingly come up to me again if you need help. I have not
forgotten that you saved my life once. And I think that also the captain has no
problems with it. “
Hawke nodded affirmative. Under other circumstances she would be more
talkative, but not yet. He seemed to understand, gave her a light smile and
left the room and afterwards the property.
An odd silence entered. She felt a breath of wind touching her. It came
noticeably from the holes in the walls and the ceiling. Short she rubbed her
upper arms with her hands, turned around to the chimney. It wasn’t burning,
existed, but still glowing. Therefore Hawke placed some new chimney wood in the
fireplace which had lain next to it. With a little effort she created from the
glow a small fire which spread about the wood.
She got up, still looking at her work. The pain in her thighs rebuked her for
crouching in front of the chimney. But it was necessary that it became a little
warmer here with the draught. She turned around to Fenris, walked slowly across
to his bed. It hurt her to see him in this fettle. Everywhere was blood on his
wounded side, already dried. It was hardly to see where the wounds were and
where his armor was damaged. His arm hung limp down. Carefully she took his arm
and laid it beside his body on the bed. She looked at his face. It was unusual
to see his facial features so relaxed. Otherwise he was always so serious, so
tensed up. As if he tightened constantly his jaw and pulls together the
eyebrows. Now nothing at all of it was to see, except of small little folds
between the eyebrows which betrayed his normal expression. His head lay on the
mattress. The blanket lay at the end of the bed on the ground, the pillow on
the ground of the other side. Hawke bent over Fenris, raised his head carefully
with her right hand a little up so she could reach with her left hand
completely under his head. She felt his hair between her fingers, but also that
these were slightly stick together. As she moved her right hand away under his
head, she hold the touch as long as she could. She strokes along his neck to
his ear, before she finished the touch. Hawke reached for the pillow and placed
it gently under his head before she slowly pulled her left hand from under his
head. This time she glided with her hand to his face strokes softly with her
thumb over his cheek. She did not know how she should arrange the situation,
her feelings. This small gesture felt so good for her, although she knew that
he felt nothing. But it was also good that he did not feel anything. However,
it was so pleasant to be able to touch his face, to feel his skin on her skin.
But at the same time it made her sad.
A bang of a door made her jump. Two voices of men sounded in the hall.
Primarily one of a swearing dwarf. Hawke went fast over to the chimney, sat
down on one of the benches.
„Nevertheless, this cannot be serious from you! Why you don’t ask Isabella, she
would be certainly delight to see this elf naked and to paw him!“, Varric
rumbled as they came upstairs. When they came by the door Anders spoke, by far
more seriously in the tone: „Fenris needs our help now. We cannot cross half
the town to find a volunteer. And to be able to treat his wounds, we must clean
the wounds. And to be able to do anything he has to go divest from his armour.
So don’t be pathetic, Varric. “
„Otherwise, I can also help …“, Hawke offered, even if she was ignored by now.
Anders saw at her for one moment, her looks met. But Hawke could not estimate
him, regardless of how much she tried it. "No." , he decided briefly and turned
away to the table. He spread his utensils on the table, also took the materials
which Varric has carried. „But if Hawke offers we have a volunteer!“, he
respoke Anders refusal. "No". , he repeated scarcely, while he sorted
everything intently. „She must favor her legs. “
He turned again to her, went to her without looking at her. In his hand he held
small pot with a mud-coloured substance. „Here, this is an salve for your
wound“, he said, while he passed it to her. She took it towards after she
turned quite around to the table. „You should go to your mansion – wash and
clean your wounds. Balm this salve 3 times a day on your wounds. Spare you
today, grant rest to your body. – We look after Fenris.” His words did not
sound as cared for as they were chosen. Hawke decided to do him the favor.
„Okay. Announce me if there are problems. “, she said, while she got up.
„No, Hawke, don’t do that!“, replied Varric grievously. She grinned. „You can
do this, I believe in you!“, she said during passed him and slapped him on the
shoulder. „You can work it up in your stories sometime. “ He just grunted,
after what she slowly came along on the way to the egress.
***** Hawke *****
Now the young woman was on her bed in her own property. Cross-legged she sat on
it, the flickering observed in her chimney. Her Mabari had laid down directly
before it and slept. She against found no sleep.
Arrived in the property she had washed herself, had disinfected carefully her
wounds with her injury kit. The salve of Anders acted wonderful cooling, but it
also burnt a bit. However, the pain became clearly less. She had bandaged her
thighs, so that the wound was protected against clothes and other external
influence.
After she finished, Bodahn had alert her that some letters had arrived. She
checked the concerns at her desk, sorted it according to importance. But it
wasn’t a real distraction to her.
Hence she sat abstracted on her bed and waited. She waited for Anders. Or
tidings. Anders had moved unofficially some time ago into her mansion, had own
a small sleeping area. It was more sure for the apostate to live here as in the
dark town. Moreover, Hawke also was thankful about his society, after her
mother had died. However, now he did not come. No sign of life, also no
informations about Fenris.
She got up, her Mabari lifted startled the head and looked at her. She patted
him. „Relax, my boy. I will just take a step outside. “, she explained to him.
As usual, he seemed to understand her, laid down his head on the paws. She
buckled on a light leather armor, just for the security. Though the streets
were meanwhile much more save as formerly, but she was not sure where she
wanted do go. Hence she armed herself with her daggers. She put on the hood and
came along on the way at the dark.
The sky was almost cloudless, the moon seemed fiercely in the sky and
enlightened Kirkwall. And also where the shades at the same darker which she
used for herself. She crept by the shades, did not wanted to attract attention
to herself. Apparently nobody was there, but this had to mean nothing. She did
not want to risk anything with her injury.
Briefly she had considered to go to Fenris' mansion to see after him. But she
did not know whether Anders was maybe still there. She rather would leave him
there alone. This she was guilty to him.
As an alternative The Hanged Man came to her sense. Maybe this would prepare
her some distraction. A few beer, play a round with cards. Listening to Varrics
stories. This sounded good.
Therefore she came along the direct way to Lowtown, hidden in the shades. The
very own smell of The Hanged Man became as well present as his noise.
As she arrived she entered directly the tavern, a musty, usual stinking wall
met her. An extreme contrast of the cold, clear night from which she came.
Moreover, it was loud. One heard directly that somewhere were a noisy
discussion, probably shortly before a fight. Roar, laughter, singing– exactly
the right now. She had to grin inevitably, while she entered closer.
She wanted to take a look around whether she recognised somebody, however,
Isabella met her directly.
„Great that you are here!“, she said, sounding relaxed.
„What is this? You did not have possibly desire, did you?“, joked Hawke and
winked at her mischievously.
„Of course, always!“, she returned sarcastically and a small winning grin was
reflected in the corner of her mouth, while she leant against a timber. They
had spent once a night with each other. It was quite at the beginning where
they had become acquainted with each other. But they had leave at that, since
then followed just an active exchange of sexual allusions and small
flirtations. Hawke catched herself how she briefly played with the thought to
spend the evening with Isabella. A little unconstrained fun would help her
maybe to divert herself. And with whom it was more pleasant, than with
Isabella?
„No, seriously. With pleasure I would spend the evening with you… I believe one
of our companions needs your attention more than me.“, she said as if she had
read Hawkes thoughts. She pointed first only over her shoulder, before she
turned around and pointed in the right direction.
Hawke followed Isabellas finger and discovered in the very back corner of The
Hanged Man a picture of misery which was concentrated just to reach the jar of
beer on the table in front of him. The picture of misery was Anders. Hawke's
stomach turned to see her friend in this way. His shoulders hung limply down,
his look was fulfilled by endless sadness. The only strength which he could
raise he used seize the beer.
Wordless Hawke passed Isabella who pinched her naughty in the butt. „You are
welcome to visit me later,…", she murmured. Hawke turned around to her, could
return only a restricted grin. She was too worried at this moment.
She went to the innkeeper, asked for a key for a room and tossed him a few
coins on the bar. He made big eyes, the real price was probably distinct lower,
but he also did not correct her. Gave her only the key which she took directly.
He explained where she could find the room.
She came along on the way over to Anders who had got meanwhile his beer and
drank from it. He did not observe Hawke at all. Only when she dropped herself
on the bank beside him and took his beer from him.
„I think that is enough for today. “, she said and drank from the jar.
"What do you do here?!“, he asked drunken, but tried to look very seriously at
her. „You had to take care for yourselves!“, he complemented rebuking.
Hawke took a gulp from the jar. The harsh taste of the beer spread out in her
mouth. „My injuries are alright, Anders. The salve work wonders. And a small
walk will make no damage. “
There came only one resigning grunt of Anders who stared now at the table where
the jar had stood before.
„Even more we should worry about you. It is not nicely to see you so. “, she
said and laid her hand on his which laid on his tigh. She pressed his hand
slightly in hers. „Come along. You should lie down a bit. “, she said and
showed him with her other hand the key which she had brought out.
„I still can decide for myself. “, he bristled.
She got up, took his hand more firmly and pulled him up with herself. With
reluctance he relented. Wobbly he stood on his legs, but started to go after he
shortly found his balance. Like a small boy she dragged him behind herself, up
to the rooms. At the end of the hall she unlocked the room and stepped in. It
was ordinary. A bed, a table, a chair and a chest. Enough and even cleanly. But
no comparison to the room of Varric.
Hawke pulled the mage in the room, closed the door behind him and pushed him
gently in the direction of the bed. He accepted the direction, dropped with the
belly on the bed. He laid straight across the bed. Hawke took off the boots,
went then also on the bed and sat down cross-legged on the headboard against
the wall.
„Tell me what is wrong. “, she required Anders worried.
„You know what is wrong. “, he answered quietly and mumbling.
She was not sure. To one side existed the possibilty that it stood badly with
Fenris. On the other side everything that Anders had interpreted in the
situaion.
"I'm not sure. “, she quietly admitted. For one moment they said nothing. Hawke
was not sure whether Anders maybe had already fallen into sleep. Against her
supposition he stood a little bit up, pressed the upper part of the body with
the arms up. He turned to her, slowly sat down. But the look was lowered to the
bed.
„Why have you said nothing?“, he asked finally quiet.
She felt how heat climbed up in her involuntarily.
„There was nothing to be said. “, she replied, looked further at him in spite
of every protest in her body.
Anders glance shot high up to her. „Nothing to say? You have feelings for
Fenris! How are you able to do the concealment? All the time!“, he said loud
and furiously.
Hawke was quiet for a moment, searching for words. „I have said nothing because
it makes no difference!“ – „How can this make no difference?!“, he burst out.
He tried very much to suppress the result of the alcohol and to speak clearly.
„It never makes no difference what one feels. And I complain to you so often
before how I feel and you hide from me everything. I do not know at all who you
are! You keep everything for yourselves, while I tell you everything. This is
not fair. What do you still hide from me? Are you maybe secretly together with
him and deride together about what I'm telling you? I … "-" Anders, hold on! “,
interrupted Hawke hardly, but with light desperation in the tone. He stopped
directly and looked up a little puzzled. Maybe he was also surprised about his
own torrent of words which came in his drunkenness about him.
„Maker, what you think I'm capable of?“, she continued. „I've never cheated
you. Yes, you have right with the fact that Fenris has become important for me.
But it doesn't matter. I don't have to give into these feelings. Everything
remains how it is and I will not stand you in the way. “
Anders glance fell. He was quiet. Hawke looked at him further, but did not know
what she should say. Everything was said. Now Anders short energy push had
vanished again, he looked tired.
She came near closer to him, reached for his hands which laid limpy on the bed.
She held his hands in hers, glided with her thumbs over his backs of the hands.
„I also don't want that anything stands between us. You are important to me,
Anders. I don't want to lose you as a friend. And I want that you are happy!“,
she said certainly, lowered the head and bumped affectionately like a cat with
her forehead against his, because he stared still down.
„I know …“, it came very quietly from him. Though he raised his head, but leant
easily away from her. He looked past her obliquely. He looked strained, seemed
to consider what he thought, what he felt… what he wanted to say.
„I'm sorry“, finally came from him. „It is just… I will never have a chance
with Fenris. The barrier which he has around himself... I will never be able to
break through. But you…“, he turned the look now to Hawke. She saw that his
eyes shone moistly. „… you have certainty a chance with him. He doesn't hate
you. I also want you to be happy. Wouldn't it be fair when you at least use
your chance?“
Hawke shook directly the head. „No … this isn't be due to me. Moreover,
something like that would distracted me too much. I can't allow that to me. “
She smiled. Although she just thought that it distracted her aleady too much.
This may not go on anyway.
„You talk nonsense. “, replied the mage drowsy and yawned. Hawke smiled.
„Come, put you down and sleep. “ Anders protested almost as well as a small
boy, but in the final effect he relented. Laid the head on her lap which she
stroked, until she felt that he had fallen asleep. Softly she pushed his head
of her lap, covered the mage. Quietly she pulled her shoes on and left the
room.
***** Hawke *****
The pure air of the night let her lungs feel a purification of the musty air of
The Hanged Man. A slight draught was to be felt between the houses and alleys,
on the way which she followed now as insignificantly as she had on the way to
The Hanged Man. The moon stood brightly in the sky, dipped everything in a
slight bluish-grey light.
Now Hawke stood before the property of Fenris. The wind blew one streak of her
black, short hair in her face – but she did not noticed it. She considered
whether she should go in. Nevertheless, she just wanted to see after him. How
he is going, how he looks. Whether he is asleep or quite awake. If everything
would be normal, it would be okay. But so as it was, she had the feeling, it
would not be normal. Her already felt her heart beating by the thought to pass
this door. Althought Anders had said it would be okay – she did not think that
Anders will still have this opinion tomorrow. He had been drunk, had not
unterstand the meaning of his own words.
Nevertheless she wanted to know, how her companion is doing. So there should be
no problem. Thus she gave herself a start and entered the property.
It was silent except of her steps which resounded inside of the hall. Moreover
the darkness of the night gaves the property an impression of a ghost house. It
was definite not comfortable. But the fire of the chimney made a slight light,
led her the way to the room in where Fenris should lie.
Careful she stepped quietly into the room. Noted that Fenris still lay in his
bed – eyes closed. The open fire had become weaker, did not gave the same
warmth as before . Hence Hawke resortet herself to the chimney, filled it with
further wood. The wood slowly draw to a close – the next day maybe she should
organise new ones.
For one moment she observed how the fire slowly spread out. To one hand to
enjoy the stronger growing warmth and on the other hand to stall, before she
would turn around to the elf. She could not classify surely, why she put off
the moment before herself. How exact the feeling was what she felt. However
after all she turned around, stepped slowly towards to the sleeping elf.
Now he looked definitively better than a few hours ago. Anders and Varric had
taken his bloodied armour from him, to had drawn him instead in black linen
trousers. His belly had been bandaged, his breast littered with smaller scars
and wounds. His arm lay bent on his breast, was wrapped in a bandage, which
went around his neck for stabilisation. Hawke sat down on a free part on the
bed beside him, looked at him. She had never seen that much of his Lyrium
drawings on his body up to now. How they spread down from the neck down over
his breast musculature, partially disappeared under the bandage or to his back.
His arms which were also drawn with this mysteriously shining substance, even
his hands. Shortly she played with the thought to touch the tattoos on his
breathing breast – but did not.
Instead she looked at his peacefully sleeping face. Anders had probably given
him something, so that he would sleep dreamlessly until his body will recovered
enough. On one side of his face he had a huge scrape but apart from this he
seemed to be uninjured. His hair was slightly wet, but wasn't bloodied any
more. Probably they had tried to wash them too.
Again her gaze wandered to his bent Arm, which Anders had reduced earlier. A
bandage was separately wrapped around his forearm. In comparison to the other
bandages, this seemed to be completely soaked from blood. Gently she touched
him with her fingertips, and felt that this was really wet – so the wound would
probably not heal good underneath. Hawke untied carefuly the bandage, under
which a gaping wound appeared.
She got up, searched the house for new bandages and fresh water. But she just
found a few apparently clean scraps of cloth and water. She cleaned the skin
around the wound, trying to dab the wound itself a little dry, before she
spreat some of her own salve on it. What helped her in such a wonderful way had
also to work on him. But the Problem was now, that she didn't know with what
she could bandage the wound again. The scraps were all too small to bandage
them around the underarm so she had to improvise. She put a scrap on the wound,
untied her red kerchief, which she had tied fresh around it in the evening.
This was long enough to tie it around his forearm and to attach the scraps of
cloth. Not optimal, but useful.
Fenris hadn't moved during the procedure at all. Only his chest rose up and
down evenly. But Hawke had calmed down, it had seemed much worse than it was in
the end. She went over to the fireplace. On the Bank stood withttle of wine. It
has been a little emptied, the cork was only slightly inserted into the
opening. She pulled it out, smelled at it and took a sip. It was a awful day.
If Fenris would complain she will buy him a new one. But she needed it now. She
sat on the floor next to the fireplace – from here she had a good look at
Fenris as well as to the door, could enjoy the warmth of the fireplace, while
she leaned against the cold stone wall and took a few sips of wine for her
inner heat.
With every swallow she drank, she felt increasingly a nausea rising. But not
because of the usual incompatibility of the brew, but because of the feelings
whose oppression was becoming less and less. Somehow she was overwhelmed. The
short thought that Fenris could had be killed by the Ogre had shown her even
more how important he had become for her. If he would not be there anymore.
Even if she had no closeness, hardly any contact, she would miss him. She
laughed shortly, felt how her eyes become watery. She took a big gulp from the
bottle, without actually doing it consciously.
Anders was right. He would never get a chance. And she? Maybe. If Fenris would
ever give anyone a chance. If he would ever commit to someone fully. It was
actually hard to imagine. But how much she would like to try... to take care of
him while he would be awake. Talk to him, give him small signals. Carelessly
touch him while feel the heart beat. Feel the tingling, if she would try to go
on over a rash touch...
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