Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/14052633.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Popslash, NSYNC
  Relationship:
      Chris_Kirkpatrick/Justin_Timberlake
  Additional Tags:
      Sexual_Identity, Coming_Out
  Stats:
      Published: 2001-04-08 Words: 3871
****** Idol ******
by Rhys_(rhyssj)
Summary
     Justin idol worships strangely.
JC notices it first, and he tries to talk to Justin about it, but Justin won't
say a word, just keeps shaking his head and saying – "I like girls, JC, I
promise" – but JC doesn't seem to believe him. Just eyes him sharply, and looks
back at Chris, and tries to talk again, but Justin refuses to hear it.
The problem is: Justin's young. Justin's barely seventeen, so everyone else
thinks they know better, but Justin knows what he's doing. He just likes Chris,
thinks he's funny and wants to be like him, thinks about dreading his own hair
because it's cool. Chris is cool.
JC thinks Justin likes him and keeps wanting to have heart-to-hearts about his
feelings, but Justin won't admit it's anything like that. Justin's straight,
he's sure he is, because he likes to look at naked girls. And just because,
once or twice, he looked at Chris naked doesn't make him anything less than
strictly heterosexual.
"It's all right, you know," JC says one night, "to like a guy like that. It's
normal."
"Will you fuck off?"Justin finally says, exasperated. "Go away."
JC rolls his eyes and doesn't move, just lies there and watches the movie,
quiet again. The others are out, clubbing or something, Justin isn't sure. He
just knows he's too young to join them. It must be cool to be old. Chris is
cool because he's old and doesn't seem to realise it. Justin has great
aspirations to be just like Chris in the near future.
"Is it because he's older than you?" JC asks, never content to let it go.
"I like girls!Fuck off!"
~~~
Justin mostly likes Chris because Chris is the only one willing to play
basketball with him for hours. JC is too delicate, and Joey just isn't into
sports. Lance tries, but he's not any good, and Justin can't deal with the
resulting self-esteem issues. Chris is fun on the court, hogs the ball and
isn't afraid to call Justin an – "annoying little shit!" – when Justin tries to
cheat.
Justin vaguely remembers playing against Chris when they were both the same
size, but Justin's grown tall and hovers over Chris now, all gangly limbs and
awkward height. Chris teases him when Justin trips over his own legs, losing
the ball, and Justin laughs because if Chris thinks it's funny, it definitely
is.
"Fucker," Chris hisses as Justin looms over him, interfering with Chris's
intense thought process and moving like liquid, sharp through the air. "Cut
that out, man, you think because you're so big and manly now that you can crowd
me?"
"You're just jealous," Justin informs him, laughing, "because you have small
feet."
Suddenly, Justin is up against the wall, and Chris is against him, full-body
press and hot as blood, squeezing Justin against the brick. "Don't speak about
what you don't know, kiddo," Chris says darkly, grinning dangerously. "Let me
assure you," a gentle thrust of his hips, and Justin's breathing heavy, "I'm
all man."
Chris steps back and runs to dunk the ball, hanging on the hoop while Justin
collects himself, angry in the part of his head that thinks it isn't fair, not
right, that Chris did that to him, made him think, for a moment, like that,
sexualised the game when Justin just wanted to be funny.
Chris calls him a – "wily little runt!" – and Justin goes back on the court to
defend his wounded manhood, tugging his jersey as low as it will go, so Chris
won't see what he did to Justin, and Justin won't have to explain it.
It's kind of embarrassing.
~~~
"Hey," JC says, ruffling Justin's hair with his fingers, "what's up?"
Justin shrugs. "Dunno."
JC looks where Justin's looking, sees Chris talking to a pretty little redhead,
gesturing extravagantly with his hands. Frowns and pats Justin on the back,
always so damned understanding. "Nothing will happen. He's no good with girls."
"I like girls," Justin mutters plaintively, leaning into JC's touch.
"I know you do," JC says but doesn't mean it, and Justin sighs again, his
shoulders slumping. Rubbing circles over Justin's back, JC sighs too. "But it
really is okay if you like boys, too. It's cool, you know. It's all right."
JC just won't give up.
Justin decides to hate him for the next five days.
~~~
When Joey wakes up with one eyebrow, Chris is howling as he runs for cover
behind Justin, using him as a shield. Justin is disoriented; it's too early for
this shit, and he just really wants a bowl of Apple Jacks.
"I am going to kill you," Joey informs Chris calmly, "and Justin."
"What?"Justin says, trying to get Chris's arms unhooked from his waist, but
Chris is latched on and not going anywhere. Justin doesn't think it's right
that he's going to be sacrificed, too, not when he's innocent. "Why?"
"Just because," Joey growls, and Justin looks at him, finally, and giggles at
the strip of naked skin. He doesn't mean to laugh, but it happens, and Joey's
roaring, threatening to rip off his scrotum and feed it to wild boars. Justin's
scrambling, laughing so hard it hurts, and Chris still isn't letting go,
squealing whenever Joey gets close.
"Enough!"JC screams, bedraggled and blurry. "You woke me up."
"My eyebrow," Joey whispers, in mourning, and JC tsks, pulling him by the wrist
to Lance's room because Lance is good with makeup and will make it all better.
When they leave, Justin is left with Chris's arms around his waist, feeling hot
and awake. Chris laughs once then lets Justin go, thwapping Justin on the ass
and saying, "nice work, boy wonder. Next time we go out, I'm buying you a
beer."
Justin smiles. Chris is so cool.
~~~
The most horrifying experience of Justin's young life comes about a week later,
when he bursts into Chris's room, excited about the NBA and the hour of it he
managed to catch on the television, which is neat and cool and Chris needs to
know.
"Holy fuck!"Chris bellows, falling off the bed, and Justin's already crying,
not entirely sure why but knowing it's really the only thing he can do. There's
someone else in Chris's bed, a someone with a dick, and when he looks up,
Justin realises it's the really nice guy who carried his bags up to the room.
Justin can barely see he's crying so hard, and he locks himself in Chris's
bathroom, sobbing because he's not sure what to do. He wants JC and will ask
for him if Chris happens to knock, but when Chris comes to the door and asks
him if they can talk, Justin just says – "no" – and leaves it at that. Later,
JC comes and promises french fries and funny movies.
Justin can't look at Chris when he comes out of the bathroom.
It's too embarrassing.
~~~
"Hey," Chris says a few days later, bearing chocolate. Justin shouldn't eat it,
usually isn't allowed because he's got such a dangerous complexion, and
everyone wants his skin clear. He takes it anyway, thinking it'll taste good
and that's all that matters. "I'm sorry, you know, about that thing we aren't
talking about or even acknowledging."
"‘S all right," Justin murmurs, scratching his knees.
Chris regards him for a long time then clasps Justin's shoulder in a show of
brotherly love, squeezing. Justin closes his eyes and holds the chocolate in
his hands, waiting for it to melt. Eventually, Chris leaves, and Justin feels
cold.
The chocolate tastes good, though.
~~~
"Hey," Justin says as JC preens for a night on the town, watching the skinny
body slide into huge pants. When he isn't staying in with Justin, JC goes out
alone, usually can't be bothered with the pursuits of Joey and Lance, or even
Chris, though Chris disappears just as often. "Can I come with you tonight?"
JC looks up and smiles awkwardly, shaking his head and ignoring the request,
but Justin just follows him, offering the shirt he thinks JC looks best in. JC
accepts it and pulls it on, flattening it over his belly. Justin just waits for
him to give in. JC always gives in to him.
"Justin," JC says, grinning, "you're too young."
"I'm seventeen," Justin says, "and you can get me in, right?I mean," Justin
says quietly, lowering his voice like someone's going to hear, "where you go,
they don't care about age, right?I'll be good, JC. I promise."
"How do you," JC says then stops, regarding Justin, and Justin stands as tall
he can, appearing brave and sure of himself, "okay, I guess. But you stick with
me, all right?" Justin nods. "And you don't say anything to anyone, okay?"
"Okay," Justin agrees, excited.
This is going to be so cool.
~~~
Justin learns pretty quick that no one's going to touch him. A young blond, not
much older than Justin, pokes his chest and says – "jailbait" – before buying
him a beer and walking away to join an older blond, talking into each other's
ears.
JC comes up behind him and tugs on his hips. "Dance."
Justin and JC know each other so well they dance easily together, and pretty
soon, everyone's watching, but it's friendly, not sexual at all. JC's laughing
and teasing him about how everyone wants Justin but can't have him because he's
so young, grinding their hips together to brag how he gets to touch while they
can only look. Justin blushes but feels beautiful.
Eventually, JC pairs off with a guy as skinny as him, who looks like a starving
artist, too. They disappear for awhile, and if Justin wasn't sure before, he
certainly is now. JC obviously likes boys a lot. Justin actually thought they
were going to smoke up and get high, but he is cool with where they are, feels
all right.
Justin looks up and sees Chris. Chris is staring at him, like he isn't sure
what to make of Justin sitting in a gay bar, and Justin isn't entirely sure
what to think about seeing Chris there. He idly wonders if JC and Chris know
about the other, and if they do, is it this huge complex secret and that's why
Justin just isn't seeing these things in advance?
Justin suddenly wishes JC would come back. He doesn't know what to say or how
to deal with this. Justin's not really sure why he's even here, and he's only
staying because JC's having fun. Justin doesn't think about how he preens
whenever a man looks at him and feels disappointment when he won't even try to
touch him.
"Beer," Chris says when he finally walks over, handing Justin a huge glass.
Justin smiles and sips it delicately while Chris pulls up a chair, looking
around the bar and trying to make sense of things. "You here alone?"
"Not really," Justin says, "no."
"JC," Chris says suddenly. "I knew he was gay."
Justin just kind of shrugs. Who's really to say if JC is or not, and who really
cares?Not Justin. It shouldn't really matter, Justin decides, who likes whom.
All Justin knows is he's no longer sure what's true about him, just that he
doesn't mind the attention of men and he really likes pretty girls.
"I'm glad to see you here, kiddo," Chris says, messing his hair, and Justin
laughs, pulling away and spilling some of his beer on his hands. Not happy to
waste, Justin licks his skin clean and looks up to see Chris watching.
"What?"Justin asks, feeling shy.
Chris smirks and messes his hair again. "You."
Justin beams. Chris is so cool.
~~~
It dawns on Justin a couple days later that Chris probably thinks he's gay.
Chris keeps pointing out cute boys and joking about blowjobs and stuff. Justin
just blushes instead of speaking, realising he should clarify but never
actually doing it.
When Chris says he's thinking about getting a dog and comes to Justin to look
at pictures, Justin's aspiration to be just like Chris in the future is
reaffirmed. Chris is so happy and cute when talking about the puppies, and
Justin's laughing with him, pointing out that if Chris gets a dog big enough,
Chris could probably ride it like a horse.
"Nah," Chris says, grinning and leaning into Justin, his short fingers holding
two pictures of pug dogs, "if I wanted to ride something, it probably wouldn't
be a horse. Not as fun as some other options, if you get what I'm saying."
Justin looks at him, eyes wide. "Oh."
Chris laughs and they go back to looking at the pictures, but one of Chris's
hands is gently stroking the small of Justin's back where the shirt rides up,
and Justin's got his head on Chris's shoulder, looking at the pictures.
It's so comfortable. Chris always makes Justin feel great.
~~~
"So," JC says, sitting down next to Justin one night to watch movies, and
Justin looks at him, blinks. "Are you going to tell him?"
"Tell who what?" Justin asks, munching on popcorn.
JC sighs deeply. "Justin, I get it, all right?You don't have to keep denying
it."
Justin purses his lips. "Is this about you being gay?Because," Justin says
seriously, wrapping JC in a tight hug, "it doesn't change anything. I always
thought you kinda were, anyway. It's cool, Jayce. I'm happy for you."
JC rolls his eyes. "This is about you being gay."
"I'm not," Justin says, his face blank, "I like girls."
JC looks at him for a long time before saying, "fine. All right. If you say
so."
"I don't like Chris like that," Justin adds suddenly. He can see why JC might
think he's not straight, not when he and Chris sit so close on couches and
Chris loves to play with his hair and stroke his long fingers. JC's walked in
on them a couple times, snuggling. "I just think he's cool, you know?Like,"
Justin pauses thoughtfully, "he's my idol."
JC frowns deeply. "You should probably tell Chris that, then."
"He knows," Justin says, "of course he knows."
Justin just thinks Chris is really cool. Why can't JC understand that?
~~~
Justin's been complaining about not going out again, but JC's already abandoned
him, and Joey and Lance are at some art gallery opening, hoping to hook up with
intelligent girls. Chris is still around and grins mischievously when Justin
asks what they're going to do.
"Pornography, little one," Chris says affectionately, mussing Justin's perfect
coif. It took half an hour to style, but Justin's not mad it's messed. Chris
tousles so well. "Got a new video this afternoon. Thought you might like to see
it."
Justin grins and nods. JC hates tainting his mind, and he's too embarrassed to
ask anyone else, so it's beyond cool that Chris just offers. Chris plops down
beside him and leans over to press play, laughing because Justin's already
squirming.
Justin nearly swallows his own tongue when it starts. Justin knows Chris isn't
straight, but sometimes he forgets until Chris does things or says things or –
well, Justin didn't think he'd own any videos like this. It's all men.
"Oh," Justin breathes, watching.
"Yeah," Chris says, his thigh pressed against Justin's, and Justin is acutely
aware of the heat from the limb and how it never stays still, jumps and shakes
and shifts. Chris is always so energised. Justin thinks he must be the greatest
in bed.
"Um," Justin says, watching a big brunet go down on a black-haired man. He's
never really seen anything like this before, isn't entirely sure what to make
of it. He thinks this must be what JC does when Justin loses track of him in
those clubs they sometimes go to. Chris must do it, too, Justin suddenly
realises, because Chris isn't straight. "I'm not," Justin whispers, looking at
Chris's lap and realising he's hard, "I'm not gay."
"Neither am I," Chris replies, studying the screen.
"Oh, but I'm not," Justin can't stop looking at Chris and the way his pants fit
over his groin, how he can see the outline of his dick and can't stop staring
at it, "I'm not like that, either."
Chris turns his head sharply. "You're kidding."
Justin looks bleak.
"Shit," Chris hisses, "shit. God, your mom's going to fucking kill me. Fuck,
man, I – I fucking thought – shit," Chris repeats, bringing his knees to his
chest and covering his face. "You must think I'm a fucking paedophile or
something. I'm so sorry."
"I like porn," Justin says stupidly. "It's all right."
"Kid," Chris says but stops, "Justin. I – I'm just really sorry. I'm going to
go. God, I'm one sick fuck. I'm so sorry."
Chris takes his tape and runs out of the room, and Justin sits there for a long
time, horribly confused by everything. It's only when he stands up that he
realises he's hard, still, and the front of his pants are damp and tented.
Justin frowns and takes a shower, jerks off and pretends he isn't thinking of
Chris when he does it.
It doesn't make him gay.
He just thinks Chris is cool.
~~~
It's another night in another city. Justin's alone again, watching French
movies with subtitles. Justin's not really paying attention to it, and he's
thinking about Chris instead. Chris hasn't really talked to him since that
night, will barely even look at him.
Getting up, Justin walks into the hall and heads to Chris's room to see if he's
home. Knocking on the door impatiently, he hears movement inside and waits
until the door opens slightly. Chris's eye appears in the sliver. "Justin?"
"Hi," Justin says brightly. "Were you sleeping?"
"Um, no," Chris says, "waiting for someone."
"Oh," Justin says, still smiling. People come to Chris, and that's so cool,
too. Justin's waiting for the day when someone, other than JC, comes to him.
"Well, I'll leave you alone. I just wanted to, like, hang out. I'm bored."
Chris looks up and down the hall. "I think I've been stood up, actually, so,"
Chris opens the door wide, and Justin looks at him, seeing Chris is only in his
boxer-briefs and understands what he's interrupted. "You can come in if you
want."
"Yeah," Justin says, smiling, "all right."
Inside, it's warm and smells like vanilla, and Justin sniffs it all in, feeling
light-headed. He sits on Chris's bed and looks around at the lit candles and
says, "it looks really romantic, Chris. Is it that girl from last night?"
"Not a girl," Chris says, "no."
"Oh," Justin says, still smiling. "That's cool."
"Not really," Chris sits on the bed, beside Justin, "he stood me up."
"That sucks. I'd certainly never stand you up," Justin declares, grinning like
an idiot, and he doesn't know why he's smiling, probably couldn't stop if he
wanted to. Justin turns his head, and Chris is staring at him, dark eyes
strange. He's really beautiful, Justin thinks to himself, in an exotic, goofy
sort of way, where JC is beautiful in a lithe and elegant way.
Justin thinks, even as he's doing it, he should probably analyse his actions
more, like really think it over, but he's kinda been wondering what it would
feel like to kiss Chris so he just does it, quick and fast, just a press of
lips really.
Chris freezes and opens his mouth to say something, but Justin just kisses him
again, fingers pressed against the back of Chris's neck. It's good, Justin
thinks dizzily, trying to use all the skill he has to make it great for Chris.
"Justin," Chris murmurs, "do you know what you're doing?"
"I think so," Justin says, "yes. I'm kissing you."
"Why?"
"Because," Justin says like it's answer enough and doesn't expand. He wants to
lick along Chris's jaw, so he does just that, taking in the taste of Chris's
skin. It's hot and salty, tastes like a girl but more, stronger. "You can kiss
back, you know."
"JC's going to kill me," Chris mutters, hands pressing deep in Justin's back,
and Justin moves forward, lowering Chris to the bed and leaning over him,
sucking on his neck. The stubble is sexy, and Justin thinks the minute he can,
he's going to grow stubble, too.
"I don't think so," Justin murmurs, lowering himself onto Chris's body and
feeling the burn of mutual erections against his belly, slides to increase
sensation of skin and fabric. "He's cool with it. He thinks I'm in love with
you or something."
Chris arches his back, and Justin can see Chris struggling with himself. "Are
you?"
"Probably, I guess," Justin says, shrugging and not fighting when Chris tugs
his shirt off, short fingers rubbing over Justin's chest, his nipples,
incredibly talented. "Yeah," Justin says suddenly, "yeah, I am."
Justin grinds down on Chris, and Chris hisses, "fuck, kid, you aren't gay."
"Yeah, well," Justin mutters, yanking down Chris's boxers and staring wide-eyed
at the hard dick, suddenly realising what he's doing and why he probably
shouldn't be doing it. "Um," Justin whispers, not sure whether to touch it or
run away. "Oh. Um. Wow."
"Fuck," Chris groans, "yes or no, Justin. I'm not going to be some fucked
experiment for you. Queer love or friendship love, man?Spit it out."
"I still like pretty girls," Justin says, reaching out and curling his fist
around Chris's cock, milking it slowly while Chris writhes, closing his eyes.
"But I like you a lot more. I'm probably whatever you are. Yeah. Just like
you."
Chris reaches down to pull off Justin's sweatpants, sliding his fingers under
the waistband and poking at the head of Justin's dick. Justin sees stars. "You
sure, man? You sure this is what you want," Chris watches Justin's face, and
Justin tries to keep his eyes open, "that I'm who you want?"
"Yes," Justin says, "positive."
Chris yanks down Justin's pants, and Justin clambers out of them like an
overeager colt, all gangly legs and smiling face. "And this isn't some sick
form of idol worship? You're not some, like, bizarro groupie, working from the
inside?"
"I want to fuck you," Justin blurts out, and Chris freezes, his fingers on
Justin's ass and touching lightly. "Like, out of love," Justin explains,
blushing suddenly because he never thought he'd actually say it, not even with
JC hounding him. "Because I love you."
"Fine by me," Chris says eventually, his inner battle over, and Justin's
suffering under his roaming hands, sliding against Chris's body and just
wanting all that he can have of Chris. "Love you, too, Jup."
Justin smiles and kisses Chris again, deep and with all the feeling he can
muster, and it's hard and naked and really, really male. Justin is pretty much
flying blind, but Chris is helping him out, being noisy and loud and saying
stuff like – "fuck, yeah, right there" – and – "fucking talented tongue, man,
fucking talented tongue."
He's so cool, Justin thinks later, when he sated and sleepy and sticky, lying
on Chris and smiling into his chest, while Chris tells dirty jokes and calls
Justin beautiful and sexy. Chris is really fucking cool, probably the coolest
guy in the world.
Justin really loves him a lot.
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