Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7784293.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Severus_Snape
  Character:
      Severus_Snape, Sirius_Black
  Additional Tags:
      mentions_of_past_molestation, severus_snape/Sirius_Black_-_Freeform, POV
      Sirius_Black, Marauders'_Era, Post_War, Loss_of_Virginity
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-08-16 Chapters: 15/15 Words: 18900
****** I hate that greasy git ******
by younoknowme93
Summary
     I had this story half complete cluttering up my documents so I
     finished it up so that I could post it. you'll find that parts of
     this are rushed. The story starts during the marauders era and ends
     after the final war. It is Sirius Black/Severus Snape. The marauders
     are being much more cruel with their bulling and Dumbledore decides
     to put a stop to it.
Notes
     I wrote this so long ago. Onward my ducklings.
***** Chapter 1 *****
I hate that greasy git.  Those empty coal eyes.  He’s actually pretty
pathetic.  No one likes him.  Well maybe Evans does some.  But she’s really the
only one that tolerates him.  I watch him sit alone at his table.  No one even
tried to acknowledge him.  Why would they.  He keeps his gigantic misshapen
nose nearly brushing against the pages.  No one pays him any attention.  As if
he knew that I’m watching him he looks up and sneers at me and my friends.
“Looks like Snivellus is still angry at the little prank we pulled on him.”  I
vaguely hear my friend over the laughter and conversations of the other
Gryffindors. 
“He’s pathetic.”  I smirk back at him.  I hate him.  I hate that he takes up
Evans time.  Not that I have any attraction towards her, but Prongs does.  And
I can’t have my friend’s girl spending time with another bloke.  Especially a
Slytherin.   Especially a greasy Slytherin with empty coal eyes.  Maybe it’s my
dog form that makes me loyal in this way.  No matter why though I’ll just have
to make him hurt Evans.  Then I’m sure she will go running to Prongs.  And they
can both be happy. 
“Prongs, I have an idea for some fun with Snivellus.”  I can see the interest
behind the glasses.  “What would embarrass that greasy Slytherin more than
anything?”  Everyone waits for me to answer my own question.  “I’ll explain in
the common room.”  All of us quickly finish our meals and hurry to the common
room to discuss my (if I do say so myself) ingenious plan.
 
 
“I’ve been told that he often hides out around here.” Ringtail states calmly. 
“And after that test he’s sure to be here.”  It’s not a minute after we hear
those words that I catch sight of him.
“Look who it is Prongs,” He snickers.
“If it isn’t our favorite little Snivellus.”  He stands abruptly as if to take
off in a run.  And maybe that was his intention, but before he has the chance,
James levitates him.  Everything just kind of falls into place.  I made sure
Lily was around before we started.  We anger the ugly freak a bit, she steps to
defend him and in a moment of wounded pride he lets his tongue slip.  I wasn’t
quite expecting him to call her that though.  It doesn’t matter.  James tries
to force Snivellus to apologize and Lily just gets all the more angry.  She
storms off.  I notice the weird little Slytherin try to get his wand to run
away.  Still not satisfied James and I levitate the grease ball again.  This
time we start striping him of his clothes.  I vaguely hear Prongs speak.  I’m
to busy laughing.  Running through the motions. 
The roar of laughter wakes me from my almost trance.  The laughter and the
quiet whimpers.  I actually look at him and I’m reminded of how pathetic he
is.  His eyes are clinched shut.  Thin bony arms try to hide what they can, but
most of his body is still visible.  Normally his pride outweighs any shame. 
But this boy looks broken.  He’s not even attempting to hold back the tears. 
He looks more gross than normal.  His legs are clinched tightly together while
his arms wrap around his thin frame.  His nose pokes out from the curtain of
hair.  I half notice that he’s rocking himself back and forth. 
Everyone is starting to lose interest and walking away.  Even the rest of the
Marauders.  It’s just me, a crying Snivellus, and a few select students.  And
the headmaster.  I look up to notice that his outer robes are now draped on the
still shaking boy.  Everyone has run at his obvious anger, I would, but I
didn’t think to do so. 
“Mr. Snape, I ask that you make your way to the medical wing.”  This seems to
shake him back to himself.  He rushes to puts on his robes before handing back
the borrowed clothes.  He doesn’t look at me.  Something similar to anger is in
Professor Dumbledore’s eyes.  I’m not scared. 
“Mr. Black.  I would like for you to come to my office after your last class
today.”  He waits for my nod.  And when I think to move my head he quickly
leaves.  What have I gotten myself into this time.
 
 
“Padfoot, why didn’t you run.  You were like in a trance.”
“I don’t know Prongs; Maybe I was stupefied by your bad breath.  It doesn’t
matter.  Dumbledore probably just wants to give some kind of lame ass anti
prank spill.”  My friends snicker.  I’ve only half-heartedly been interested in
all of this. 
I make my way to Dumbledore’s office.  I know the way by heart.  I’ve spent
more time in his office then most students have.  I was expecting to have to
wait for a while for him to notice me.  But the moment I walked in he
immediately put down the papers he was reading through. 
“You wanted to see me sir.”  I force respect into my voice. 
“Yes, Mr. Black.  I wish to discuss what happened earlier today.  Severus is
still in the infirmary.”
“I don’t know why.  So I embarrassed him a bit.  He didn’t have any major
injuries.”
“I quite disagree.  Physically he doesn’t have more than a few bumps or
bruises.  But that isn’t why I sent him to the infirmary.  Sirius, I- as well
as many of the other professors -have noticed that your pranks as you call them
are venturing more and more into cruelty.  I personally have noticed that you
in particular like to pick Severus for the pranks.”
“Can’t say that I’ve noticed.”
“Regardless.  I can’t ignore your actions any longer.  I understand that in the
potion class you and Severus share, that you have one of the lowest grades, and
Severus has one of the highest.  I have already informed him that he will be
tutoring you two nights a week.”
“Headmaster, you can’t be serious.  Why would spending more time together help
that we hate each other?”
“You and Severus have many things in common, and this will help your marks in
at least your potions class.  You will meet him tonight in the potion
classroom.  Tomorrow you will start your detentions.  For the next three weeks,
every night you aren’t with Severus, you will be spending your evenings with me
in detention.”  I must have really fucked up for him to be over my detentions. 
I still can’t bring myself to care.
“If you at least attempt to be nice to him, I’m sure both of you could see each
other’s good qualities.  He is very much like you.”  I try not to barf at the
thought of being compared to that unhygienic freak.  I am nothing like him. 
And he is most defiantly nothing like me.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     It takes so long to mass post lots of chapters. I've already
     completed it... but posting just takes me so long. Onward my
     ducklings.
He doesn’t look up when I walk in.  I’m not even late.  I’m like ten minutes
early, but he is still waiting for me.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he lives in
this room. 
“So what are you going to tutor me in today Snivellus.  Or should I call you
professor.”  He still doesn’t look up.  I’m sure my friends are back in the
room laughing.
“What do you think you need the most help with?”  His tone isn’t
condescending.  He doesn’t even seem to be upset or moody about anything.  He’s
not sneering at me.  He’s not looking at me.  And Dumbledore was trying to
convince me that I had actually hurt him.
“I need help with everything actually.”  I laugh, but it sounds forced.  This
isn’t normally me.  I can normally at least pretend to be carefree.  But I know
it’s a lie. 
“Then we will start with a very simple potion just to see where you are at.” 
He flips the pages of the book he’s looking in and after nodding to himself
hands me the book.  “This is the steps to make a potion that when made
correctly can leave the drinker of the potion feeling happy.  It is a fairly
simple potion, but it is not a very forgiving one.  If the slightest thing is
done wrong or added at the wrong time or not chopped to the appropriate size,
the potion will fail and often cause adverse side effects.”  I’m only half
listening to him.  I read over the list of ingredients and then go to gather
them.  There are only six ingredients.
He grabs three of them and helps me carry them back to the table.  Pulling out
a knife he demonstrates the appropriate way in which to cut the toads tongue. 
He then hands the knife to me and watches to see if I can mimic him.  He nods. 
“Be careful to ensure that the pieces are cut small enough otherwise they will
not mix correctly.”  When I deem the first ingredient to my standards I move to
the next.  He stops me with a quiet shake of his head.  “They are still too
large.  They need to be no larger than the size of a pebble.”
“They aren’t much bigger than that now.” 
“Cutting corners in potions is as bad as cutting them in life.  Yes, you may
have to spend an extra five minutes making sure the ingredients are cut to the
correct size.  This potion has a brewing time of two hours.  Spending five
minutes now will keep you from having to redo the potion thus wasting another
two hours.”
“Well maybe I don’t see why anyone would waste the first two hours.  Especially
over a stupid potion that can give happiness.  Why not just save the time and
go out and talk with friends.  Why not get happiness that way.”
“Then leave.  I’m not making you stay here.  Lie to Dumbledore say that you
came but I didn’t show up.  Or that I changed my mind.  I don’t care.  But if
you are going to be here, at least have the decency to not waste both of our
time.”  He takes the knife from me and in less than a minute they are cut to
the right size.
“How’d you do that so fast?”  He sighs to himself. 
“I’ve been making potions since I first started using accidental magic.  I
wasn’t allowed to use a potion book, so most of what I learned was from trial
and error.”
“Isn’t it dangerous to try to mix potions not knowing the outcome.”
“It can be.”  He starts adding the ingredients and stirring once and then
counterclockwise three times.  He repeats this several times.
“Wouldn’t your parents see that and give you a potions book or something.  Just
seems dangerous for like what a five or six year old to be mixing dangerous
things together.”
“Father doesn’t believe in magic,” Two drops of this blue liquid are added. 
“And mother will not go against him.”
“So, like are both of your parents muggles?”  He looks up at me for the first
time since I came into this room.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t, but if we are going to be forced together, might as well try to be
nice.”  His eyes squint at me. 
“I don’t know what your intentions are.  You trying to be nice to me is a
ludicrous notion that I am not naive enough to believe.  You hate me.  You
always have since first year.  I know you are being forced to come here.  I
only agreed to tutor you because I owe Professor Dumbledore.”  All while he
talks he stays focused on the potion.  All the ingredients have been added by
this point.
I don’t say anything at first.  It’s quiet.  He’s gone back to not looking at
me. 
“Is that why you aren’t cursing or hexing me.  I’d imagine you’d be pretty sore
about today.”  He stiffens slightly. 
“It doesn’t matter.  It’s not the worst thing that’s happened to me, and I
doubt it’ll be the last prank you stupid Gryffindors pull on me.”  He finally
sits and just watches the potion.  His greasy hair is limply hanging in his
face.  His cheeks are bony.  I’ve never really observe him up close when he
looks calm like this. 
“So your parents, both muggles?”  He sighs to himself.
“My father has no magic, and my mother pretends like she doesn’t, but she use
to be a very strong witch.”  He’s woven his fingers together.  “That’s all for
tonight.  You can go back to your room now if you would like.  The potion has
to be stirred every half hour, so I will be staying until it’s complete.”
“Do you like being a Slytherin?”  He looks at me. 
“Why do you care.  You keep asking questions that are none of your business.”
“Just board.  I don’t particularly want to go back just yet.”  He makes no
action to move.  Suddenly I’m excited.  “Let’s play a game.”
“I don’t play games.”  I roll my eyes.
“Have you ever even had someone try to play a game with you?”  He doesn’t
answer.  “Look Dumbledore wants us to get to know each other, and you said
yourself that you owe him, besides what will we do for the next two hours
otherwise.”  He yawns slightly.
“Fine, what’s the game?”  I stand up and go towards Professor Slughorn’s
potions.  It doesn’t take more than a minute to find it. 
“A truth elixir?  I doubt that’s a good idea.”  I shake my head.
“We will do a small dose, besides if we both take it, no one will have the
upper hand.”
“I know I’m going to regret this.”
“Awe come on.  After all, I’m sure there’s lots of embarrassing questions you’d
love to ask me.”  He half nods to himself.  This will be good.  He will
willingly give me embarrassing information, and the best part.  I could tell
him anything, but he has no friends.  Who could he tell. 
“Fine, but I get to go first.”  I nod to myself.
“That sounds fair.”
“And I’m also going to dilute it so that we will be able to refuse to answer.”
“Even better.”  I watch as he pours two glasses and then puts two drops of the
truth serum in each.  I drink mine first and then he follows suit. 
“Okay Snilvellus, what’s your first question.”  He doesn’t pay attention to the
name,  he just smirks. 
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Why am I obsessed with Severus Snape. Onward my ducklings.
It doesn’t take him even a second to think about what his question will be.
“What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Do you mean that I’ve done, or that’s happened to me.  Kind of a gray area in
the question.”
“Whichever is more embarrassing.”
“Probably when I tried to do a girl and couldn’t get it up.  That’s up there.” 
I’m not all that embarrassed admitting it.  After all.  At least I had the
chance, that’s something Snivellus could never have had. 
“Are you in love with Evans?” 
“I have loved Lily since I met her when we were six years old.  No one will
understand me the way she does, and no one will understand her the way I do.  I
will always love her, but I am not in love with her.  I don’t have any desire
to be with her intimately, but I will always try to protect her.”  He looks at
me.  “My question, I know Potter cares for her, but you know him better than
anyone.  Would he simply use her and then leave her.”  I actually have to
think.
“He has done that to girls in the past, but I don’t believe he would do that to
Evans.  How far have you gone?”
“What do you mean.”  I roll my eyes.
“Come on Snivellus, you know what I mean.  You aren’t that dense.”
“I’ve not had sex.  I’ve been touched though.”  His face is blank.
“That’s surprising.”  He shrugs.  His oily hair falls in front of his face.
“It’s not important.  What’s it like being a Gryffindor?”  He has gone back to
looking at the bubbling cauldron. 
“It’s nice.”  That answer sounds so delusive.  “It’s cool to kind of be the
envy of people.”  He nods to himself.  His fingers have gone back to intertwine
themselves.
“If you could get in any’s pants who would they be.”  He doesn’t look up at
me.  For a second I expect him to refuse to answer.  He can’t lie.  But I guess
that would be understandable.  I wouldn’t want to tell my worst enemy who I dig
either.
“I would be content never having sex with anyone for the entirety of my life.” 
He abruptly stands up and it startles me.  I expect him to leave, but instead
he stirs the potion.  I can see how tense he is with his back to me.  He waits
till he sits down before voicing his question.  “How much experience have you
had.” 
“I’ve only slept with about five different people, but I’ve snogged a lot over
the years.”  He’s pulled his knees to his chest and I watch as he hunches
over.  Again all I see is his hooked nose through the curtain of hair.
“So like, why don’t you want to have sex.”
“I just don’t.”
“Oh come on, you have to go more into it than that.  That is hardly an answer.”
“But that’s really all there is to it.”  I roll my eyes. 
“Fine.  Your question.”
“What was your first time like.”  Kind of a personal question.  I could refuse
to answer.  But I guess I want him to know that I enjoyed mine.  Why do I want
him to know… so that I can gloat?  Or because he seems so disinterested in the
idea of having sex. 
“She kept screaming my name real loudly.  It was pretty fucking sweet.”  His
face is still mostly hidden, but I can see that his ears are red.  I’ve already
answered the question, but I’m feeling particularly boastful.  “We went twice
more afterwards.  She was more experienced than myself and she defiantly wasn’t
ashamed to do anything for pleasure sake.”  His ears are more than tinged pink
now.  I half want to snicker, but I hold back.  I’ll laugh later in my room
tonight.  It’s quiet for a moment before I remember it’s my turn to ask a
question.  I’m actually having fun.
“How come you don’t bathe.”  He’s not looking at me.
“I do in fact bathe.”  I shake my head before remembering that he can’t see. 
“Even some Slytherins were talking about how you don’t use the showers.”
“I do not like public showers.  So no.  I do not use the Slytherin showers with
the mostly broken locks.  But I do bathe.  There are four private showers that
can be assessed by students, they are all kind of a secret.  I know the
location of all of them.  I typically will bathe after hours.” 
“But your hair is always greasy.  I’ve never seen it clean.”  He finally looks
up.  Slight irritation.
“I wash my hair at least twice a day.”  I look at him skeptically “I spend up
to six hours a day outside of potion class making different elixirs and
potions.  My hair will most likely always look oily like this.  And before you
ask… I have changed the type of shampoo I use multiple times.”  Kind of
defensive.  “And it just looks like it’s oily.  I can assure you that it’s
not.”  I look at him.  When he goes back to his earlier position most likely
thinking about his next question I reach out to touch his shoulder length
hair.  I grab a lock close to his neck and rub it between my fingers. 
He’s right.  It’s not dirty.  It’s actually silky and warm. 
“What’s your greatest fear?”  The words stir me from my thoughts and
immediately I let go of the soft lock. 
“Being an outcast.”  I don’t even have to think about it.  He gets up and stirs
the potion again.
“What’s yours.” 
“I have many fears.”  He states quietly.
“Well name off some of them.”
“Intimacy, heights, the dark.”
“So is that why you were never in any flying lessons.”
“Dumbledore has been very understanding in certain aspects of my life.”
“Being afraid of the dark must suck since you live in the dungeons.”
“I have a partially private sleeping quarters away from the other Slytherins.”
“And Intimacy?”
“As I already told you.  I hope to never have sex.  Ever.”
“So Black, I think it’s my turn.  Why are you being so civil to me.”
“I don’t know.  I still hate you.  We are by no means considered friends, it’s
just been boring pranking you.  No matter what levels we go to.  It’s hardly
fun when you put up so little fight.  No that that means we will never prank
you again.”  He nods.  His slightly wavy hair moves on its own accord.
“So, I’m awfully curious, I have a feeling I’ll be throwing up tonight for
asking, but for someone who claims to be so against sex, what do you get off
to.”  His entire face is flushed.  I smirk back at him.  So for the most part
he’s pretty innocent.
“We are not going to go into that.”  I roll my eyes.
“Fine, but I get to ask another question.”  He nods slowly.  “Why are you so
afraid of sex.”
“I don’t like talking about it.”  I laugh half out loud. 
“What, were you like sexually assaulted or something.”  He looks at his feet. 
“Snivellus, were you.”  I’ve stopped laughing.
“Before I answer, what do you intend to do with all this information.  After
all.  We aren’t friends.  In fact you’ve always made it a point to prove that
you hate me.  So what do you intend to do.”
“I honestly haven’t decided.  I have been getting bored with pranking you, and
I don’t really feel like blackmailing you.  Now answer the question.”
“My father molested me when I was eight.”
He looks over his shoulder at me. The rest of his body is facing the potion.  I
open my mouth to say something, but not knowing the right words I just close my
mouth back.
“You can try to tell whomever you want to.  After all, do you really think
anyone would believe you if you told them.”  It’s quite for a long time.  He
doesn’t come sit back down.
“Did he do it often?” He stirs the mixture one final time and then bottles what
he can. 
“Yes.  Many times.  It’s in the past though.”
“How did you..  I mean.”  He hands me the vial.
“I’m tired of this game.  I’m sure all of your questions will be about only
that from now on, so let me cut you off.  Yes.  Dumbledore knows.  Yes.  Lily
knows.  Yes, I do still have nightmares.  Yes, that’s why I have my own
chambers.  No, I am not worried about you telling anyone, because no one will
believe you.  And worse.  You do not want to piss off Lily.  Everyone assumes
that since she’s a Gryffindor she’s nice and cheerful, but she's incredibly
protective of me.”  His hands are woven back together.  “Even with my, cruel
words, she will not hesitate to harm you should the secret get out.  She’s
already come to visit me in the hospital wing and though she’s still angry, she
is willing to forgive me.  If that’s all of your questions, I will be off to my
room.  Dumbledore said that you’ll be with him for detention tomorrow, so the
day after next we can meet back here.  Same time.”  He goes to leave
“How come you’re giving the potion to me.  If anyone needs to be happy it’d be
you.”  He looks over his shoulder.
“It’s only a temporary thing.  And I think you need it more than I do.”
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm so tired. Onward my ducklings.
Detention with Dumbledore wasn’t really all that bad.  He mostly made me
organize his office.  I didn’t tell him about mine and Severus’s game.  I
didn’t think it was something to bring to up.  After an hour and a half he let
me go and I wasted no time wondering back to the common rooms.  I’ve been
trying not to think about Snivellus.  Prongs and Wormtail are waiting for me. 
I haven’t told them about the game either.  I haven’t told them anything.  It
doesn’t feel write.
I fall into my bed.  I haven’t seen him since we brewed that potion.  I’ve been
fiddling with it.  He said if made wrong then there could be bad side effects. 
How do I know that he didn’t make it wrong on purpose? 
“Lily is still hanging around that greasy bat.”  Remus is the only one who
doesn’t look at James.  “She completely forgave him.”
“They’ve been friends for a while; I guess it would take a lot for her to end
their friendship.”  I find myself talking.  “But I don’t think that Snape likes
her romantically.” 
“What do you mean Padfoot?”  All eyes are on me.  “He follows her around like
an ugly baby duck.”
“I just don’t think he’s interested in her that way.” 
“She’s way out of his league, the only way he wouldn’t be interested in her is
if he’s a fag.”
“I don’t think he’s interested in anyone.”  I barely know him.  Remus has
closed the book he was reading.
“Sirius, did he tell you this, that he’s uninterested in anyone?”  James is
questioning me.
“No, he just doesn’t seem to care about anyone.”  James looks skeptical but
lays down to go to sleep.  We have potions class with Slytherins tomorrow. 
 
 
Snape is already in his seat next to Lily when we walk in.  Prongs sits next to
me.  Before I finish opening my book Lily walks over to me.
“Sirius, Dumbledore wants you to be Severus’s potions partner until you’ve
served all of your detentions and brought your grades up.”  She looks to James
then to Peter.  “Peter, Could you or Remus be my partner.”  I don’t wait for
his answer; I’m already moving my things to sit beside Snape.
“Snape.”
“Black.”  He doesn’t look at me.  He’s scribbling down in his book.  I can only
see his nose.
“What are you doing?”
“This is wrong.  I’m correcting it.  The slipweed should not be cut, it should
be mashed into a paste.”
“I’m pretty sure the potions master who wrote the book knows what he is talking
about.” 
“They are wrong.”  He’s mumbling to himself.  “It should be four drops not two,
and this should be clockwise.”  He doesn’t even pay attention when the
professor says the instructions.  He dismisses everything and begins to follow
his own newly written instructions.  I watch for a while.
“What should I do?”
“Sit there and stay out of my way.  I don’t care if you mess up the potions
when I tutor you, but you will not bring down my grade.”  He doesn’t look in my
direction.  His movements are fast and sure.  This is the only time he doesn’t
look awkward with his movements.  I notice his fingers.  They are long and
slender and elegant.  They curl around utensils and ingredients.  From this
close up to him, I can see a thin smile.  Does he really enjoy brewing that
much?
This early in the morning his hair doesn’t look as oily.  I’m tempted to touch
it again to see if it’s as soft as last time, but it’s not just the two of us
right now.
“What potion are we brewing tonight?”  His movements do not slow. 
“I haven’t decided yet.” 
“Can we play the game again while it is brewing.  The same rules.”  He stops
all movements.  “I won’t ask about it.”  He bottles the potion and labels it
with our initials on it. 
“The potion’s done.  I don’t feel comfortable you knowing so much about me.”
“I haven’t told anyone.  Not even my friends or Dumbledore.”
“Then why do you want to know.”  I nod to my friends as both Snape and I leave
the room having finished our potion early.
“Maybe you should ask that tonight while we play the game.”  He nods slightly
then scurries in the direction of the dungeons.  Having a couple hours until
the next class I follow him.  It isn’t hard to keep hidden and I follow him
easily.  He goes up to a tapestry and slips behind it.  After a moment I follow
his actions.
Behind the tapestry is a door that is easily spelled open.  I go inside.  I
hear the faint sound of running water.  There is a small bed in the corner and
a cauldron takes up most of the space.  Potion books line the bookshelves.  He
did say that he had a private room.  This must be it.  I almost feel like I’m
intruding when I hear sounds outside.  Someone is coming in.  I turn into
padfoot and scurry under the bed.  I watch a pair of female legs walk around
the room then hear a thud on the bed.
“Severus, hurry up.”  It’s Lily.  No sooner has she spoken do I see Snape walk
out of a small room in the adjacent corner. 
“Lily, you know I like to take a bath after potions class.  When I can at
least.”
“I know I know, but I wanted to know how it went with Sirius.”  He sighs to
himself.  He’s standing in front of the bed.  As padfoot I can smell so much
better.  The slight dust under the bed, a pomegranate smell coming from Lily
and something light and citrusy. 
“There isn’t anything to tell Lily.  I just brewed the potion and then left.”
“But he left with you.”
“Only to ask about the tutoring.”
“Didn’t you say that the two of you talked a lot the other night?”
“Well yes, but it was more so he could get dirt on me because I’m so hard to
humiliate already.”  He sits beside her.  “Lily, I don’t think I can stay in
his company any longer.  I can’t handle it.”
“This is good for you Severus.”
“No it’s not.  It’s been a couple days and I’m still queasy about talking to
him.  He’s bound to find out at this point.”
“Well, that’s bound to happen.”
“I know Lily.  Did you partner with Potter for potions?” 
“No, Remus.  I enjoyed seeing the red jealousy on his face.  It was hilarious.”
“You love him, just bite the bullet.  You’re in love with an asshole just get
use to that.” 
“But he’s so foul to you.  I can’t tolerate someone being cruel to my sweet
innocent sister.”
“Lily, just because I prefer men doesn’t mean I’m a girl, and just because
intimacy frightens me doesn’t mean I’m innocent.  It won’t bother me if you
date him Lily, I want you to be happy.”
“I can’t do that.  You’re my best friend.  I need to be able to talk about my
best friend with a boyfriend and I can’t trust him not to use information I say
about you to hurt you.”
“Maybe it’d be better if he knew I was gay.  At least then he wouldn’t think I
want to shag you.”  She laughs.
“But I feel like he’d be even more pissed if he knew you wanted to shag his
best friend.”  Her laughter is louder.  I don’t know how to respond.
“I don’t want to have sex with Sirius Black.  Yes he’s attractive, yes I wish I
had the confidence he has, but I couldn’t ever have sex with him, even if he
were into men.”
“Severus, it’s okay.” I hear him exhale. 
“Lily, if he or anyone even tried to touch me intimately I’d likely have a
panic attack.”
“You love him though.”
“The thought of being touched terrifies me.  Even if I had the chance to be
with Sirius, I’d be to terrified.  He’s fucking experienced and the only
experience I have is being molested by my drunk father and his drunk friends. 
I will never be good enough for anyone.  Especially not him.”
“Severus, none of that.  You are better than a lot of people in a lot of ways.”
“Well, yes.  When it comes to brewing potions few are superior, but human
contact is much different.”
“You know the easiest way to get use to something is prolonged exposure.”
“Lily, please stop.”
“Hell.  You know potions better than anyone.  I say you drug him tonight.  Have
your way with him then make it so he doesn’t remember.  Make sure to tell me
all the yummy details later.”
“Not going to happen Lily.  I have a feeling if I have a panic attack and
started crying then he would somehow remember that.  And you know there’s also
the case of drugging someone being illegal as well as morally wrong.”
“I bet he’s really hot under all those robes.” 
“Lily.  Please.  I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Fine.  So you will be nice to him tonight.  All joking aside.  I think it
would be good for you.  Maybe even tell him you’re gay.  At the very least you
could see where he stands with homosexuality, and it’s not like you’re really
adamant about staying in the closet.  So if he did tell, maybe it’d be easier
for you anyway.”
“Maybe.”  He doesn’t sound so sure.  “Any way, I’m going to take a nap before
our next class.  So.. Go away so I can sleep.  Tomorrow I’ll tell you about
what happens tonight.”  I see Lily hug him and leave the room.  The boy then
shifts onto the bed.  Within minutes I hear even breathing.  All the while I
lay under the bed not knowing how to feel.
 
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     OOO Sirius is a pervert. onward my ducklings.
Lily leaves and I’m still trapped under the bed.  I feel comfortable enough to
change back, but I will have to wait until he is out of the room or possible
unconscious before I can escape.  I know things that I have no business or
desire to know.  I don’t know how long we both lay in the quiet before I hear a
muted gasp.  Quiet whimpers.  Snivellus is a queer.  He likes me.  That’s what
Lily was saying… and he wasn’t denying it.  If this got out it would be big. 
He’d be completely tormented by everyone.
“Ahhh.”  Don’t listen.  I really don’t want to hear him… jacking off.  “I’m so
disgusting.  Nnnn.  Disgusting.  No one will ever want me.  Ohhhhh.  Feels
good.  No one will ever love me.  I’m disgusting.  Ugly.”  He’s gasping and
moaning openly.  “Please.  Tell me how ugly I am.  Tell me I’m not good
enough.  I need to hear it.  Uhhhh.  Please.”  Don’t listen.  What is he
doing.  Why is he saying these things?  It just sounds so… self-destructive. 
“Yes.  I’m disgusting.  Yes.  I’m not good enough.  Tell me.  I want you to
humiliate me.  I want you to tell me how worthless I am.  Yess.  Ahhhh. 
Ahhhhh.”  The bed is creaking softly and I’m fighting to keep my own breathing
down.  I wonder how he looks right now.  No.  I don’t want to think about
that.  I don’t want to think about his head thrown back or him franticly
stroking himself.  Of course he would jerk off.  He’s a guy.  It’s normal, but
the things he’s saying. 
I cover my ears with my hands, but it does nothing to silence the loud moaning
or the begging.  My own pants are getting tighter, but I’m sure it’s just
because I haven’t been laid in a while… it’s been even longer since I’ve taken
care of it myself.  I can’t right now though.  I just have to wait until he
finishes and hopes that he cums soon.  I have never hoped for a guy to cum
before now.  I try not to think about that.
“Sirius.”  I jump slightly when he calls my name.  No.  I’m not found out. 
“Sirius.”  I think this might be the first time he’s used my first name.  Has
he… thought about me other times that he’s done this.  Is this normal for him. 
“Sirius, please tell me that you hate me.  Tell me that I’m disgusting.  I’m
disgusting.  I need you to hate me.  I need you to hurt me.”  My heart is
pounding… I’m just afraid of being caught.  I’m never heard another guy do
this.  It’s normal for my heart to do this.  It doesn’t mean anything.  “Love
you.  Love you.  Sirius.  Ahhh.  Nnnmm.  I’m pathetic.  Ugly.  Scrawny.  Just a
useless Snivellus.” 
He’s not even trying to be quiet anymore.  I shouldn’t be here.  I shouldn’t be
hearing this.  I shouldn’t know how he feels about me.  I don’t know what to do
with the information.  I can’t pretend like I don’t know.  But I can’t tell
anyone either.  Ignore the pressure in my pants.  I will not masturbate right
now.   I will not masturbate to this.
“Sirius.  Maybe if it was you.  Maybe if it was you touching me I could handle
that.  You hate me.  I’m so glad that you hate me.  Keep hating me please. 
Please.  Ohhh.  Feels so good.  Not use to being touched.  Ahh.  Mmm. 
Merlin.”  My heart beats in tune with his gasps for air.  “Don’t ever stop
hating me.  Don’t ever stop seeing how ugly I am.”
I can’t breathe.  Everything.  Everything he says just hurts to hear. 
“I’m bad.  I’m disgusting.  Just keep hating me Sirius.  Uhhhh.  Uhhhhhh. 
AAHHHHH!!!”  He screams his orgasm and I feel empty hearing him come down from
his high.  “Please never stop hating me Sirius.”
I can’t bring myself to hate him right now.
 
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     Onward my ducklings.
We are brewing another potion.  Rather… he’s brewing a potion and I’m
watching.  We’ve just finished drinking the diluted potion, but neither of us
have asked a question yet.  He stands to stir the mixture before sitting back
down.  It was difficult to get out of his room without being seen.  I didn’t go
back to my dorm.  I just knew if Prongs saw my face, then he would be able to
tell that something was off.  I don’t want to tell anyone about what I heard. 
The person beside me fantasizes about me, and they don’t sound pleasant.
“Have you told anyone.”
“No.”  I answer before I realize it.  He’s not talking about his room.  He
doesn’t know.  He likely means everything else.  “I haven’t told anyone
anything.”
“You may ask your question now.”  I force myself to not look directly at him. 
What do I want to ask him?  How long have you been jerking off to me?
“What kind of stuff are you into other than brewing potions?”
“Reading.  Why are you friends with those people?”  That’s a difficult question
to answer.  It has a simple answer, but it sounds phony.
“They wanted to be friends.  It’s that simple.”  My turn.  How long have you
been in love with me?  “What’s your favorite color.”  His eyes narrow slightly.
“Green.  Why are you asking these types of questions?  It is odd.”
“I have other questions that I want to ask, but I don’t think it will be a good
idea to ask them.”
“We are not friends.  You have never cared in the past that you will offend
me.  If you ask something I do not want to answer, then I will not.  Remember
you are the one that wanted to play this game.  So play it.”
“How do you feel about homosexuals?”  Not exactly the question I wanted to ask,
but it’s a start.
“They are disgusting.”  That word again.  “Do you prefer women with large or
small breasts?”  Wow… kind of… I wouldn’t expect that type of question from
him.
“Either are fine, but I do like women with flatter chests.  I like being able
to fit all of their breast in my mouth.”  His shoulders are tense and his neck
is red.  This is fun.  “Which do you prefer.”
“I don’t know.”  He’s taken the potion.  He can’t lie. 
“That’s not a very good answer.  I get to go ago.”  He nods slightly.  “Have
you ever jerked while thinking about someone in this school.”  His shoulders
are tense again.
“Yes.”
“Well?”
“You did not ask who… you only asked if I have.  I answered your question.  Who
have you jerked off to in this school?”  Hell.  Half of the females.
“Most of the girls in this school.  The hot ones anyways.” 
“What about Lily.”
“No.  Not Lily.  James is sweet on her.  It wouldn’t feel right.  You know what
I’m about to ask.  Who?”
“I don’t care to answer.”
“Alright.  Then why don’t you want to answer?”  He stirs the potion.
“It’s disgusting.”  He freezing at the use of that word before quickly
continuing.  “I do not often partake in that action.  “Are the things about
your family true?”
“Yea.  Most of them at least.  When was the last time?”  He looks at me.
“What?”
“When was the last time you ya know… whomped your willow.”  He can’t lie.  I
already know the answer.  Why?  Why do I want to hear him say it.
“Today.  After potions.  When was the last time you…?”
“Today.  After potions.  After I left your room.”  The vial he was holding
slips from his hands and shatters.
“What are you talking about?!”
“It’s my turn to ask you a question.  Why do you think being gay is disgusting
when you are gay?”
“Because it is!!  Everyone knows it is.”
“Remus is gay, do you think he’s disgusting.”  He freezes.
“That’s different.  You were in my room.  You… listened to me.”
“Yes.  I’m been curious.  Why is it that you love me, but want me to hate you.”
“No.  I don’t have to answer anything.  I’m leaving and you will not tell
anyone about this.”  I grab his arm to stop him.
“I haven’t.  Answer my question.”
“No!”
“Severus.  Just answer the question.”
“Why should I.”  His eyes look half wild. 
“Because you want to?”
“I most certainly do not want to.”
“Just answer the question Severus.  I swear.  Regardless of the answer, I will
not do anything to harm you.”  He stiffens.
“That just makes it worse.”  I don’t understand him.
“Then I swear I will not tell anyone.  It will stay between us.”
“It’s easier if the person I… desire hates me.”
“I don’t understand.  Please explain.  I want to understand Severus.”
“Please stop using my first name.  It’s uncomfortable.  You already know that I
am… hesitant about the idea of intimacy.”
“Yeah.  So?”
“If the person I desire hates me, then I am not in danger of someone desiring
me.  You hate me.  I know you hate me, and since you hate me then you would
never want to be intimate with me.  It’s safer.  I’m not in danger of someone
wanting to touch me intimately.  If it troubles you that I’ve masturbated to
you, then I will not anyone.  I understand that you would not want someone
disgusting like me to think of you in that way.”  His voice is monotone.  “The
potion is done and I will be taking my leave now.”
“Please don’t go yet.”
“I have nothing left to say to you.  I will inform Dumbledore that me tutoring
you will not work out.  I am sorry to have troubled you.”
“Will you please stop leaving.  I have things that I still need to say.”
“I do not want to hear them.”
“Well that’s to fucking bad.”  I grasp his wrist to lead him back to the
chair.  His entire body freezes… I try not to notice. 
“Please don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Say anything.  I don’t want to hear you say anything.  No matter what it will
be painful.  If you accept what I’ve been doing then I will be terrified about
what you may wish to come, and it might give me a hope I don’t need to have. 
If you are repulsed by what I’ve been doing then I will be embarrassed and…
disgusted with myself.  Nothing you say will be received well… so it’s better
if you simply do not say anything.  We will go our separate ways pretending
this conversation never happened.  Tomorrow you and your friends will bully me…
and I will sickingly become aroused by it.  Because I am disgusting.”
“Why do you keep using that word?”
“Hmm?  You mean disgusting?  Just.  It’s what my father always called me.  It’s
what I am after all.  You’ve said it yourself numerous times.  Any way you look
at it.  It’s disgusting for someone to be turned on because they’ve been
humiliated or molested.  It’s wrong.”
“I don’t hate you.”  The words come out fast, but the potion assures that my
statement is true.
“Don’t tell me that.”
“I don’t though.  You know Dumbledore said we were a lot alike.”  His arms have
wrapped around himself. 
“Is that so.”
“Yea.  I guess I’m disgusting too.  I mean.  I got aroused listening to you
masturbate to me.  If I were gay maybe then it would be normal, but I’m not. 
So doesn’t that make it even stranger for a straight guy to be turned on by a
greasy git.  Wouldn’t that make me disgusting.”
“…. I don’t know.  Maybe?”
“Did your dad ever kiss you when he touched you?”
“No.  He never did such a thing.  No one has kissed me.”
“Then… can I steal your first kiss?”
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
     Fa la la la bomba Onward my ducklings.
He’s quiet for a long moment.  His eyes close briefly while he just inhales
deeply and exhales slowly.
“Stealing a kiss implies not asking for permission first.  It does not make
sense for permission to kiss me without permission.  The moronic statement
makes my head spin uncomfortably and on that notion…”  I shut him up.  The
first kiss isn’t passionate or even long.  It’s just a quick meeting of lips. 
He pulls away first and briefly his fingers touch his lips before he realizes
how vulnerable that action is.  With his hand back at his side he looks down at
the floor. 
“Does that qualify as stealing.”
“Yes.”
“Are you okay with this.”  I don’t know what I’m asking.  This is the first
time I’ve ever kissed a guy and it just felt impulsive, but… I enjoyed it.  For
all of its short length, I wanted to continue.
“I am unsure.”
“Should we kiss again… so that you can find out.”
“I am unsure.”  He repeats.  He’s not looking at me.  “I did not expect for
something like this to happen, and I am unsure how I feel about it.  I am
equally unsure what you plan to do about this… is this a joke or a game.  Did
you tell your friends that the ugly snake is fascinated by you?  Is this some
long build up in order to humiliate me in front of the entirety of the school. 
I am simply unsure.  I am questioning if I should just run to my rooms and
never leave.”  His voice is even, but his eyes are wide and full of panic.
“No one knows.  The potion is still working right.  So you can believe me.  No
one knows.”
“Are you going to tell them about me.”
“I don’t know.  I don’t think so.”
“I don’t know anything in the form of intimacy, kissing included.”
“It’s alright.  I can show you.  If you want me to.  Do you want to.”
“Yes.”  I can tell from the look on his face he didn’t intend to say that, but
I know it’s the truth.  “I will… trust you to lead me.”  He’s sitting in the
chair with his knees pulled up to his chest.  His arms wrap around his legs as
if to hold himself together.  I’m still unsure why I want to do this.  With him
of all people.  I’m not gay.  I’m just not attracted to guys, but the way his
hair hides his face… the way his eyes express everything… the way his fingers
twitch nervously.
“No need to be nervous.  I’m pretty experienced with this.  Just try to relax
and do whatever feels natural.”  I kneel beside the chair since he doesn’t look
prepared to move.  I could tease him right now.  I could humiliate him, but I
just don’t feel the desire to.  I want him to enjoy this.  I want him to enjoy
my kiss.  “No surprises.  I’m going to kiss you.  When I do, you will feel my
tongue press against your lips.  Just part your lips when I do.  If you are
nervous, you can just let me take the lead, if you want to do something, then
just do it.”  He hesitates before he nods softly.  I have never been this
excited to kiss someone.
Again our lips simply connect.  It’s only pressure without any emotion behind
it.  His entire body is tense.  Out of habit my hand loops behind his back to
rub small circles.  Just as I warned him, my sweeps across his closed lips. 
Simultaneously his eyes clinch shut and his lips part.  He takes like cinnamon
and toothpaste.  I was expecting something unpleasant, but this is… normal.  It
doesn’t feel much different than kissing a girl… aside from… all the girls I’ve
kissed have been far more experienced and comfortable. 
His fingers are clinching the fabric of his robes and his body makes no
movements.  Even when I act bolder and twist my tongue around his, he still
doesn’t move aside from a twitch of his finger.  I pull away briefly and when I
do I watch as this dark haired boy licks his lips almost… longingly.  I return
to those lips.  He does not try to fight for dominance seemingly perfectly
content just being kissed.  At some point his fist leaves the dark material at
his side and clinches my own robes.  Each time I pull away from his thin lips
his eyes open and look equal parts disappointed and hazy.
“Are you still okay Severus.”  His feet are now firmly on the ground.  It’s
easier without having his legs between us.  His only answer is a dazed nod. 
“Do you want to keep kissing.  It’s getting late so we can’t stay for much
longer.”  I try to stand and his grip on my shirt tightens.
“Just a little longer.  Please.”  Before I can answer his eyes widen as if he
just realized what he said.  “No.  never mind.  We have gotten carried away.  I
should return… we should return to our rooms.”
“Severus.  Don’t run away just yet.  Are we.  What are we doing exactly?  Are
we like in a relationship, or just… casual?”
“How should I know?!”  His eyes are unsure and nervous.  “You are the one with
all of the experience.  You figure it out.  I’m going to bed.”  He rushes off
before I can stop him.  The walk back to my room was longer than normal.  Once
I finally got to my room, I removed my clothing and prepared to lay in bed.
“You are back late.”
“Just a bit.”  Moony sits on the bed beside me.  It’s just us.
“I can smell it you know.  It’s one of the few… positive things about being
what I am.  How is Severus.  From the smell on you, he is well.”
“Remus…”
“I was under the impression that you hated him.”
“Yea… I guess I don’t.”
“You are my friend, but I want to make this clear.  For people like Severus… if
you mess this up- whatever this is- do not expect him to give you another
chance.  James will be livid.”
“I don’t know what I want from Severus.”
“Before you pursue anything further, I suggest you figure out.  He is not the
type to be strung along, nor the type to be jilted.  I was not aware you were
gay.”
“I’m not.  I don’t think.”  He tilts his head at me.
“Could you kiss me.”
“Yes.”
“That isn’t what I mean.  I’m aware you could kiss anyone.  Do you feel kissing
me would arouse you?”  Remus is attractive and slender.  Being roommates, I’ve
seen him in nearly every state of undress.  He has a nice body.  But no.  He
doesn’t arouse me.
“No.”  He nods.  He isn’t interested in me- never has been. 
“Good that is a relief.  I suggest you discover what you want from Severus
though.”
“If Prong finds out…”
“Then he will be happy for his friend and rejoice that the person he hates
truly has no desire of taking the love of his life from him.  Give your friends
better credit.  All of you accepted me after all.  A gay werewolf.  Ha. 
Compared to that… this isn’t anything.”
“Can I… ask you something.  Just between us.”
“Of course you can.”
“Don’t laugh at me, but uh… how do two guys have sex.  I mean I know the gist
of it, but like… all the rest.  And.  Again just between us.  How does one go
about being intimate with someone who is afraid of intimacy?”
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
     I know some of these chapters are short. I was really trying to
     finish this story quickly. Onward my ducklings.
“Good morning Severus.”  He looks up from his book briefly. 
“Black.”  He returns to his book for a moment then bends the corner of the page
before closing it.  He sets it beside him before looking back up at me.  “What
are you talking to me.  If any of your friends, see you with me...”
“I have detention with Dumbledore tonight.  I was wondering if afterwards I can
come to your room.  This time… with your permission.”  He looks at me.
“What purpose do you have to come to my rooms.  Are you really that behind in
potions that you need tutoring every night?” 
“No.  No.  I just.  Want to see you.”  He doesn’t say anything at first.  No
one is around.  It’s just us.  It’s early.  No one would be awake yet, but he’s
always up this early. 
“Why.”  He’s examining me like he would a potions text.  He’s looking for any
shift… any clue as to what my intentions are.
“Just to talk.  It will just be me.  I won’t tell anyone.  I just want to talk
with you without worrying about someone over hearing.  Don’t you want the same
thing?”
“… I suppose.  You may come, but you cannot stay to late.  We have tests
tomorrow and I will not allow you to infect my grades.”  He picks his book back
up effectively ignoring me and signaling the end of the conversation.
Immediately after detention I hurry to the tapestry and shimmy through the
hole.  Laying on the bed with a book over his face is a fully dressed- in his
school clothes I might add- Severus.  He’s obviously unconscious, and I can
tell the book is transfiguration.  He must have been studying.  I almost hate
to wake him up, but I came here with the intent of talking with him.
“Severus.”  I reach out and grasp his shoulder.  Gently shaking him he startles
awake and a book connects with my jaw.  Everything freezes as his eyes look
past me. He blinks several times as if he doesn’t recognize me before the book
falls from his hand.
“I apologize.  Please refrain from touching me in order to wake me up.  I do
not… respond well.”  His fingers press against the struck cheek in an almost
clinical way.  “I did not do anything that will cause lasting pain.  There
should not be any swelling, but just in case I do recommend going to the
infirmary and getting a potion.”  I still have not said anything.  He hit me. 
With a book.  Because I touched him.  “I apologize that I was not awake, I do
not even recall falling asleep.  Is the pain bad?”
“No.”  It hurts like hell.  He exhales.
“Good.  It was not my intention to hurt you.”
“Then why did you swing that book.”
“I wasn’t trying to hit you with it, I was trying to hit…”  He abruptly stops. 
“I have told you before.  I do not have pleasant dreams.  They are… vivid. 
Again.  I apologize for striking you.”  He looks at himself as if suddenly
aware that he’s still laying in his bed.  He looks vulnerable.  He moves to get
out of his bed but I push him back down.  His eyes are calculating, and I
notice how he once again grips the book. 
“You dreamt that your father was…”
“Please don’t say it.  You said before that you wanted to talk to me.  What
about.”  My friends.  Us.  Want I want from him.  What he wants from me.  What
does he do when he goes back home?  Does his father still touch him? “Please
say what you have come to say.  I still have a great deal of studying left to
do.”
“You really care about your grades.  I think you have some of the highest
grades in our year.”
“The highest.  It’s the only way that I can escape.”  He again tenses.
“Escape.”
“I would prefer not talking about this.  I’m sure this is not why you have come
here.”
“Please tell me.”
“I would not be able to survive in the muggle world.  I need to get away from
my parents.  If I do well enough… then I will be able to get a job in the
Wizarding world.  My personality will be a hindrance, but I cannot help that. 
I need to do well enough to compensate for my shortcomings.  If I just work
hard enough…”
“Does he still touch you.”
“I do not want to answer that question, nor should you ask it.”  I kiss him. 
Slow at first.  He doesn’t outright push me away, but he does not pull me in
either.  My thumb presses under his jaw to tilt his head up.  His eyes drift
shut and he leans into the kiss.  Tension leaves his shoulders, and his hand
gently grasps my arm.  I pull away and his eyes flutter for a moment.
“I want to know everything about you.”
“This is entirely foolish.  You are going to betray me.  No.  That’s
incorrect.  Betray implies that I had your loyalty.  You are going to deceive
me.  I’m just giving you ammunition.”  He shakes his head.  “Please leave.”
“Severus.  We haven’t talked yet.”
“I no longer think it would be wise.  I am… getting to comfortable with you
touching me.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?  I could help you get over your fear.”
“Fear a necessity.  It keeps one safe.”  He’s not looking at me.  He’s not
touching me.  His hand curls into a fist around the light blanket, and he pulls
it up to his chest.  It’s not even remotely cold.
“Are you aroused.  You are.  Aren’t you?”
“Leave.”
“Severus.  I want to be near you.  Is that really such a bad thing?”
“Yes.  It is.  If you really want me to be comfortable around you then… you
need to understand when I say not to touch me… I mean it.  And when I say to
leave.  I mean that to.  Don’t.  Force me to do something I’m not ready to do.”
“I want you to promise me.  If I leave now.  Can I come back tomorrow?  As long
as I leave when you tell me to, can I come back.”
“I… suppose that is tolerable.  Just go.”  I nod reluctantly. 
“I’ll see you tomorrow Severus.  Try to get some sleep.  If you stay up all
night, then you will be exhausted tomorrow.”
“I can assure you, I will be perfectly fine.”  I hate to leave, but I do. 
Tomorrow.  I’ll talk to him about everything… about us tomorrow.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Notes
     I basically wrote most of this in a two day period. I rushed through
     some of it... but considering I was originally never going to finish
     it (or post even the first chapter) I guess it's okay. onward my
     ducklings.
It’s a routine now.  I go to his room every night for a couple hours.  I
haven’t told anyone yet.  I’m sure James would understand, but I just can’t
bring myself to tell him.  Remus knows a little bit, but he stays out of it. 
James thinks that I got a girl that I go off and shag each night.  I prefer him
thinking that.  Aside from light snogging, Severus and I have done nothing.  We
haven’t even talked about everything.  I need to.  I need to figure out what we
are.  And if we are something.  I need to figure out if he expects for everyone
to know. 
He’s not really attractive or unattractive.  His nose is just as pronounced as
ever.  His hair is oily and lifeless… but it’s soft and warm.  It’s hard to
imagine what he might look like under those thick robes, but from the short
glances I had when we undressed him, I could tell he was very thin.
“Just tilt your head to the side.”  He obeys me silently.  I’ve seen very
little of him, but every bit I have seen is paler than snow.  I kiss his creamy
neck.  His pulse is just under my lips and I can feel how quickly his heart is
beating.  I smile against his skin before kissing again.  I nip the pulse and
he gasps before he can stop himself.  His eyes are closed locking any
expression away.  My teeth nip the spot again and he covers his mouth- but not
fast enough to hide the moan. 
“This is too much.  Stop.”
“Are you sure?”
“Stop.  Please.  Too much.”  I pull away unsatisfied.
“Alright.  Should I leave?”  We normally kiss or something to that variant, and
he normally stops me at some point, and at that point he normally asks me to
leave.
“I think it would be for the best.”
“What if I just don’t touch you.  Then could I stay?”  He doesn’t say
anything.  “Severus.”
“I both want you to touch me, and I don’t.  If you stay it’ll only keep me in
this state of confusion.  If you touch me, I will panic.  And if you don’t I
will be disappointed.”
“Maybe you should let me touch you.”  He looks up at me and narrows his eyes.
“Exposure.  That’s the only way you’ll be able to get over this fear of being
touched.  I’m pretty experienced, so I could make sure that you feel good.  If
it’s just completely terrifying or awful, you could tell me to stop.  I already
know about what happened, so you don’t have to worry about panicking and having
to tell me the truth.  I know you like me, so it wouldn’t be so awful if I
helped you with this.”
“If I said no.. or stop…”
“Then I would stop.  I’m not saying go all the way.  I’m not even saying going
almost all the way.  What if we just jacked each other off.  Do you think you
can handle that?”
“Each other… meaning you would also be…”
“Nothing scary about it.”
“Would I… have to remove my clothing?”
“It would be easier.  If you want to keep your underwear on though you can. 
What do you say.  Can you do it.”
“I… I can try.  Are you going to remove your clothing as well?”
“Yea.  Article for article.  If you decide to remove your underwear, then I
will to.”  He nods.  His fingers are shaking on each button.  I follow his
movements and mimic them until we are both down to our boxers.  His eyes are
clinched shut.  “Just breath Severus.  I’m going to lay you back on the bed
don’t panic.  There won’t be any surprises.  Anytime I touch you, I’ll warn you
first.  Will that make it easier.”  He nods, but his eyes stay closed.  Once he
is laying down on his back I take a moment to look at him. 
He’s thinner than I thought.  His ribs are visible.  His stomach is almost
concave.  Skin almost translucent that I wonder if he’s ever stepped out into
the sun.  Black hair curtains around him, and his black eyes are closed.  I can
clearly see his chest rapidly rising and falling.  “Are you going to touch me
now?”  The voice is quiet and accepting.
“Yes.  Are you going to open your eyes?”
“No.  I’m not ready to see.”
“But you’re ready for me to touch you.”
“Just slowly please.”
“Alright Severus.  I’m going to put my hand on your chest.”  He nods just
before my hand lifts.  I’m hesitant to touch him.  I’m afraid the weight of my
hand would crush him, but I can’t just hold my hand above him forever.  I start
with just my thumb rubbing over his heart before the entirety of my hand
settles on him.  “I’m just going to touch your chest for a bit.  If you don’t
like something just let me know.  I will not be upset.”  My hand slides up his
chest to his shoulder and back down.  I make sure to not go past his ribcage. 
I try not to focus on any area for a length of time.  Occasionally my hand will
rub over his nipple and though he tenses, he makes no sounds.  Not of pleasure
or apprehension.  “I’m going to touch you a bit lower, but I’m not going to
touch you there yet.”  Again a nod.
My hand slides back down his chest.  Before I go past his waste, my hand
lingers over his stomach for a brief moment.  I grasp his hip in my palm and
his eyes slowly open.  He watches me.  He watches my every touch.  When I smile
at him he looks away.  He’s not said anything yet.  I’m waiting for anything. 
“Are you still okay Severus.” He opens his mouth before shutting it and
nodding.  “Alright.  Try not to be afraid.  I’m going to be over you.  All I’m
going to do is press our erections against each other.  My hand will still
touch your chest, but not any lower.”  He swallows.
“I understand.”  The timid voice makes me smile.  I do exactly as I said I
would.  I hold myself over him making sure not to put to much weight on him. 
My hand that isn’t holding me up presses against the side of his neck as I ease
our hips together.  At the first brush of our erections together he shuts his
eyes again.  When I press more firmly I can hear a muted moan.
“You don’t have to quiet yourself.  There’s nothing embarrassing about feeling
good.  I’m going to put my hand on your hip that way I can grind against you
easier.”
“How can you just say these things!”  When he looks at me I can see all of the
panic that he’s been trying to control.
“Because I know this is completely natural.  I’m not embarrassed that I want us
to feel good, and I thought it might would be easier for you if I just told you
the things I’m going to do.”  My hand cradles his hip and I press down firmly.
“Ah.”  The fear in his eyes is being challenged by pleasure. 
“Feels good?”
“It feels different.  Not disgusting.”  I keep my movements slow even though I
want to move so much faster.
“Your body knows that you want this.  It will feel even better if you lower
your underwear.  As great as this feels, if our skin directly touches then it
will feel amazing.”
“If I ask you to stop…”
“Then I will.  Even if I’m a moment from cumming, I’ll stop.”
“You can… lower them.”  Before I do I smile at him.
“I’m going to kiss you first.”  And I do.  After I’ve captured his lips I pull
away.  I want to kiss him the entire time, but if he became scared and wanted
me to stop, he would be unable to say anything.  I lower his underwear first
until his erection pops out.  Before I look, I lower my own boxers.  With both
of us free I stare at him.  “Are you still okay Severus.”  I feel strange
asking so many times, but he looks afraid to speak.  I don’t want him to feel
obligated to continue.  He needs to enjoy this.
“Fine.”
“I’m going to touch you here.  I’m going to hold us together and move.  Is that
okay.” 
“Yes.  It’s okay.”  The way his face twists between pleasure and uncertainty is
beautiful.  I can’t tell him that though.  With our hips connected I grasp his
erection and stroke it a couple times before grasping my own with it.  He has
very little pubic hair, and his pale dick is larger than mine… granted not by
much.  “Ahh.”
“You’re making me feel really good Severus.  You’re actually pretty big.  How
does it feel to have someone jerk you off?  Do you like it faster or slower?”
“Please don’t talk like that.”  His head is turned away from me.  I still see
the trails of tears going down his cheeks.  A part of me thinks maybe I should
stop.  But he hasn’t asked me to yet.  He’s only asked for me to not talk ‘like
that’.  Does he mean dirty talk, is it a turn off for him or just embarrassing.
“I’m sorry Severus.  I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just thought…”
“I don’t like being talked to like that.”  I kiss his cheek and the salty taste
of tears anchors me to reality.
“Don’t he talk to you like that?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”  Should I push him to?  He might feel better
if he just vents.  No.  I need to play it safe.  We aren’t stable.  I don’t
need to take any chances.
“Do you want me to stop.”
“No.  Keep going.  I think I’m okay.”  He doesn’t last long being unused to
physical contact with another.  It only takes a few firm strokes before he is
biting his lip and cumming over my hand and our stomachs.  Watching his chest
heave up and down as his eyes grew hazy from his high, sends me over the edge. 
I have never came simply because my partner did.  It shook me.  A very real
panic set into my bones.  I wanted to touch him again.  I wanted to be the only
one. 
Watching his breathing slowly become more natural as both of our cum cooled on
his stomach, I thought that he was beautiful.  I want to tell him that he looks
beautiful. 
I regret that I didn’t.
***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Notes
     Bad Sirius. Bad dog. Onward my ducklings.
I was bound to fuck up.  Until that point James and the rest of my friends left
Severus alone.  I was still serving detentions and getting in more trouble just
wasn’t a good idea at the moment.  I never talked to Severus.  And I never
talked to James.  I didn’t want to lose either.  Early morning.  Severus is
under that same tree he always goes to.  I’ve gotten use to waking up early to
go see him.  This morning James wake up as well.  I didn’t realize it.  He
followed me out of the castle and to the scrawny tiny raven haired boy that
I’ve been ‘not quite dating’.  I didn’t know any of this at the time because of
that blasted cloak. 
“Good morning Severus.”
“You do not need to greet me every morning.  Wont your moronic friends wonder
where you are at.”  They probably think I’m off with some girl.  Before I had
time to speak James pulled the cloak off and looked at both of us.
“So this is where you’ve been off to.  What.  Missing pranking the ugly snake
that much.  It’s probably best if you don’t get in more trouble.  You’ve been
nice to him lately though.”  I don’t know what to say.  Or do.  Severus looks
at me hopefully and nervously.  “I mean I know you need help in potions, but I
don’t understand why you’ve been talking to him like he could actually be your
friend.  The little freak might misunderstand and think you like him.”  He’s
waiting for an explanation, and Severus is waiting to see what I will say. 
“You can’t let disgusting freaks like him think that he’s actually good enough
to be your friend.  Hell.  He’s a Slytherin so he’s probably already joined
you-know-who.”  Say something.  When I look back at Severus he’s looking at the
ground and standing up.  The book he was reading is held securely against his
chest.
“Don’t go.”  My voice is even.
“It is obvious that I am not wanted here.”  He continues to leave when James
waves his wand and Severus flies back towards the tree.
“When someone stronger than you gives you an order, it’s a good idea to
listen.  Especially if you’re too weak to defend yourself.”  He’s coughing
slightly.
“I already know that.”  He’s looking at me pleadingly.  James is my best
friend.  The first friend I made at Hogwarts.  No one else in Gryffindor would
have trusted me since I came from a Slytherin family.  I can’t lose his
friendship.  I watch as James levitates Severus into the air.  I do nothing. 
“Do you remember how he cried when we stripped him.  So pathetic.”  I watch as
my best friend spells the clothing off of him.  Severus doesn’t cry this time. 
He doesn’t scream. He doesn’t yell.  He stays completely quiet as I let my best
friend undress the boy that I…  “Look at those bites.  Whose standards are low
enough to want to touch you.”
“Just an insect.”  He doesn’t look at me.  He doesn’t look anywhere.  Severus
doesn’t try to cover himself.  He doesn’t try to get free.  He doesn’t
struggle.  “Just do whatever the fuck you want before class starts.”  I don’t
look.  I don’t stop James.  Even when students start pooling out of the
building, Severus does nothing.  I feel James grab my arm and force me to run
off with him. 
“He’s just so pathetic, but not enough to get in trouble over.  If we get
caught I’ll take the heat this time alright?”  he’s laughing.  Like it’s a
joke.  Like he didn’t just break someone.  I don’t laugh. 
Severus doesn’t tutor me anymore.  I’ve found the class is easier now, but I
can’t bring myself to care.  I tried to go to Severus’s room, but the hidden
door was not only locked… every time I touched the handle it shocked me.  I
tried waiting for him to go in or come out, but hours of waiting and still no
sight of him.  Lily returned to being his partner in potions.  It was obvious
that I was lower on her list than James is.  And Severus.  He would never look
in my direction.
By the end of the school year, there were rumors that Severus had actually
joined the dark lord.  I knew it was true because everyone I heard it from…
were tied to my family.  I never got to apologize to Severus.  We finished the
school year.  Severus and I didn’t talk again.  Even right up until
graduation.  We didn’t talk.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe around him.  I
fucked up.  I know I did.
Everything felt like a blur since I betrayed him. 
James and Lily got married.  The war became a common part of any day.
Some days I would be left with Lily and her child.  James wanted to make sure
that she was protected.
“I hate you.”  I look at her.  “I will never forgive you for what you did to
Severus.”  She looks at the child in her arms.  “And I can’t forgive myself for
falling in love with the man who tormented my best friend.  He told me that he
understood me wanting to be happy.  He said that if I could find that with
James, he wouldn’t stop me.  Why can’t he just be selfish for once and tell me
that he didn’t want to lose me.  I would have listened.”  She’s not talking to
me anymore.  “I am an awful friend who chose to find happiness with a man who
harassed my best friend.”
“Lily.  Is he okay.  You have to still be in touch with him.  You have to
know.”
“Of course I know.  I know exactly how he is.  He told me… if you ever ask to
lie to you.  He told me that if you ever ask to tell you that he is happy and
completely unaffected by what you did.  He told me to make the lie sound good. 
Maybe even mention that he found someone.  I’m too tired to do that right now…
so tell yourself what you want to hear.”
“Lily.  I fucked up.”
“He still thinks about you.  I wish that were enough.” 
Wormtail becomes the secret keeper.  The whereabouts will be safe with him. 
After this war.  I’ll find Severus.  If we are both still alive.  I’ll make it
right. 
Wormtail betrays them.  But I’m the one locked up. 
I don’t know what’s going on outside of these walls.  I don’t know that I’ve
been awake since I lost Severus.  Severus who I heard became a spy for the
light.  Severus who I heard is teaching at the same school where I once touched
him.  Severus who I betrayed. 
I have to make it right.
 
***** Chapter 11 *****
Chapter Notes
     Yes I rushed through the before the war until after the war...
     because I mean... I didn't want to write it. I'll just be honest... I
     just wanted to get back to the couple. Yall know what happens. Onward
     my ducklings.
Years.  Trapped for years.  Knowing that I’m the only one who knew of my
innocence.  No.  Does Severus think I’m innocent.  No.  It doesn’t matter. 
No.  Every day drifts by.  Does it even still matter anymore.  Maybe I deserve
this.  True I am innocent, but I broke him.  Did he ever deserve the things we
did to him?  Towards the end, he didn’t even retaliate.  Just accepted it.
I saw that rat on a page in the daily prophet.  The traitor.  I have to get
out.  I have to… destroy him.  He’s why I’m here.  I’m still unregistered. 
When they bring my food, I’m going to slip out.  I’m going to escape and then
I’m going to make everything right.
I managed to escape.  Get to the castle.  Every day runs together.  I will
capture that rat.  I will make it right.  I searched so much.  Finally. 
Finally.  I embrace Remus.  My friend.  It feels so warm.  Like I’m safe for
the first time in so long.  I see Severus as well.  His wand is to my throat. 
He threatens me.  His words are venom.  He’s not the same as he was when we
were students.  I did this to him.  How many years since I’ve see him?  More
than twelve.  I want to hurt him to.  I don’t want to be the only one.  I don’t
want to be the only one.  But I also want to apologize right at this moment. 
No.  There will be time for that later.  Peter.  The rat.  I must kill the
rat. 
He escapes.  And somehow I still get away with my life.  The war continues.
I’m at black manor.  I hate this place, but this is where the order meets. 
Severus comes as well.  His words always cut.  I don’t know why I bite words
back.  I don’t deserve to apologize.  In Azkaban all one can do is think.  And
I’ve thought about him so much.  When he looks at me I don’t feel like he’s
seeing me.  He never spares me a second look.  It’s scary.
I fight in this war when I can.  It was bound to happen.  A curse.  Hit me.  I
can feel myself falling behind the veil, and I only think of my regrets.  I did
so little. 
I can feel myself drifting.  That’s all I’ve been doing since I lost Severus. 
Drifting through a constant state of not existing.  I don’t think I ever
existed. 
It’s cold behind the veil.  It’s dark.  And empty.  And again all I can do is
think.  I remember Severus with his hair spilled like ink around his face.  I
remember his eyes stealing glances at me and then looking away quickly.  I
remember how his face void of all emotion turned to me.  I broke him.  He put
his trust in me and I never… I never apologized.  I know that I do not deserve
the forgiveness, but he deserves to know that I have always regretted my
actions.
There is no day or night.  Only emptiness. 
I want to scream but there is no one around to hear me.  I want to cry, but I
don’t know that I deserve to do that.  I had so many chances to apologize and I
just kept thinking… after the war.  I hope he survives it.  I hope he can find
a happiness. 
It’s cold.  And then it’s not.  It’s dark.  And then it’s not.  I can see light
through my eyelids, but it only causes me pain.  I want to open my eyes to this
strange light, but instead I can feel myself falling asleep. 
I can feel a blanket being laid on top of me.  A pillow is slid under my head. 
It doesn’t make sense, but I’m too tired to put the pieces together right now.
Maybe when I wake up.  If I wake up.
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Notes
     Sometimes sweet words just aren't enough. onward my ducklings.
I open my eyes and when I do the room that I’m in is bathed in a soft glow. 
I’m on a bed.  Blankets are pulled up to my chin.  I turn my head to look
around and there is a figure in a chair reading.  I can only see his nose peak
out through the curtain of hair.
“Where am I.”  My voice hardly sounds like my own.  He doesn’t look up.
“In a bed in your home.  You should sleep longer; your body would not have
recovered from being behind the veil.”
“How did I get out?  Why are you here?”
“I pulled you out and I pulled you out.”  He still hasn’t looked up.  “You
should sleep longer.”  He repeats. 
“No.  If I go back to sleep, then you will not be here when I wake up.”
“I will.  You will be unable to take care of yourself for a short period. 
Until you are capable of caring for yourself, then I will be here.  I did not
go through the trouble of bringing you back just for you to die.  Now sleep.  I
will not ask again.  If you are unable to sleep with me here, then I will
leave.”
“No.  I can sleep.  Just stay there.”  He doesn’t talk anymore and I find it
surprisingly easy to drift back to sleep.  I wake up to a straw in my mouth.
“Drink.  You need to regain your strength.”
“How long have you been taking care of me?  How did you save me?  Why would you
do this?
“A while, magic obviously, because I could.”
“You didn’t answer any of my questions.”
“Stop talking.  I imagine in another week you will be well enough to care for
yourself.  At that time, there are many people who will be happy to see you. 
Until then.  Try to talk as little as possible and focus on getting healthier.”
“Please Severus.”
“Black.  Do not delusion yourself that we are close enough for you to use my
first name.”
“Please.  I just.  I’m sorry.”
“Drink.  Do not waste energy with meaningless words.”  He places the cup in my
hand and he leaves the room.  I cannot move.  I cannot follow.  I just let him
walk away.  Again.
I drink all of the strange liquid.  I don’t even ask what it is.  I don’t
care.  Just as I’m getting tired of holding the cup he returns and takes it
from me.  He has a bowl of some type of food.  He brings a spoon to my mouth-
his face completely neutral.
“Eat.”  I open my mouth for the spoon.  My bones feel like liquid.  I swallow. 
Before I take the next spoonful I exhale loudly.
“Severus.”
“We are not friends.  Do not address me as if we were.”
“I know I messed up.  I know I did.  Please just talk to me.  Just three
questions.  How long have you been taking care of me?  How did you save me? And
WHY!”
“I know you.  You always have more questions.”
“Please Severus.  You don’t have to answer.  You never do.  I just need to
know.  I’ve been going crazy.”  He brings another spoonful to my mouth before
setting the bowl down.
“I pulled you out from behind the veil a little over two weeks ago.  No one
knows.  No one knows I even planned to.  I used a spell.  I would prefer not to
tell you the details.”
“The last question.  Please.”  His eyes are closed for a brief moment before he
looks me right in the eyes.
“I have never forgotten you.”
“I never forgot you either.”  His face doesn’t betray any emotion.  “Severus, I
know I really fucked up.  But please just give me…”
“No.  We cannot pick up where we left off.  I didn’t do this so that I could be
snuffed when a relationship with me is no longer convenient.  And I know you. 
I didn’t bring you back because of any feelings I may or may not have about
you.”
“Then why did you.  You just said you have never forgotten me.  Then why.  If
that’s not the reason then why save me.”
“I got a second chance.  Harry Potter saved the wizarding world, and then he
saved me.  I should have died.  He saved me from my injuries and then he had me
proven innocent.  I’m a free man.  I got a second chance.  I thought maybe you
could as well.  When you are healed enough I will leave your home.  I don’t
know where I will go yet.  But that isn’t any concern to you.  You will get a
second chance to be a good father.  But not a second chance to be close to me. 
I am not foolish enough to trust in you again.”
“Severus.  I know I messed up.  I’m sorry.  I have wanted to apologize since
the beginning.  I wanted to tell him.  I wanted to stop him.  He hated you and
he was my best friend.”
“I wasn’t angry at you.  Or him.  It was so typical.”
“You still love me don’t you.  I know you do.  Please.”
“You were really the only one I ever… no one else.  No.  We will not talk about
this.”  He exhales to calm himself.  “You need to eat.”
“Are you still a virgin.”  His face twists in anger and shame.
“My life is of no consequence to you.”
“I just need to know that you found someone who you are comfortable with. 
Someone that you aren’t afraid of touching you.  Tell me that you found
someone.”
“Stop talking.”
“Because you let me.  Had I not fucked up, eventually you would have let me
have more of you.  I would have had sex with you.”
“Shut up.”  His eyes are wide and angry.
“I just need to know that your happy.  I’ll stop.  That’s all I need to know. 
Tell me that you found someone that loves you.  Someone that won’t fuck up like
how I did.  I need to know that you aren’t so hung up on what I did that you’ve
resolved to spend the rest of your life alone.  I need to know that you will be
taken care of.”
“You have no right to know anything about me.  I hate you.  I have always hated
you, and I’ll go to my grave hating you.  I hate you.”
“Well I love you.”  The words slip out of my mouth in an angry hiss and there
is only ice between us.  He looks away from me.
“I don’t know how I managed to bring you back from the veil.  The spell didn’t
do what it was supposed to do.  The spell was old and forbidden.  It would have
used my life force to pull you from death and back to life.  It worked, but it
didn’t take my life.  I don’t know why.  I was prepared to die.  I didn’t want
to be alive anymore.  The war is over… Lily is dead, Harry was safe, and you
were dead.  It made more sense for you to live then it did for me.”
“You were going to sacrifice yourself.”
“I was going to bring the idiot back to life.  That’s all that mattered.”
“You still love me.”
“It doesn’t matter.  I’m more warped than I was as a student.  You didn’t want
me then.  You certainly will not want me now.  And I can’t do it again.  I wish
for you to have a happy life, but… I will not be a part of it.”
“Please.”
“No.  My emotions are what always get me into trouble.  Once you are well, I
will be leaving with the intention of going someplace where no one knows my
name or face.”
“I love you though.”
“That’s not enough.”
 
***** Chapter 13 *****
Chapter Notes
     the story is nearing an end. Onward my ducklings.
Three days.  He refuses to talk with me to the level we did before.  I haven’t
let on how fast I’m getting my strength back.  If it manages to give me even
another hour, then it’s fine.  I can walk on my own.  I’m starting to get
desperate.  I can’t lose him again.  I go to the hallway.  I know his room is
near mine.  Once one.  I don’t want to startle him.  I don’t want to wake him. 
“Sirius.”  I’m ready to apologize for being out of bed- never mind that it’s my
own house.  He’s not around.  His voice is coming from behind a door.  I
already know what he’s doing.  I want to watch him.  I want to be in the room
with him.  For now, just hearing will have to be enough.  I slide down to the
floor with my head pressed against the door.  I cast a charm so that I can hear
better.  I don’t want to miss a single moan.  Go on Severus.  I’m listening. 
“Sirius.”  Yes.  “Feels good.” 
I can hear moans and whines.  This controlled man rarely lets his guard drop. 
When he does it’s beautiful.  I should have told him that time.  It might have
been my only chance to tell this man something he desperately deserved to hear.
“Yes.  Please.  Rub them together.  Like last time.  Please.  Please.”  Yes,
Severus.  I will.  I’ll give you everything you want.  “More.”  And I’ll never
let go.  I’ll tell everyone.  I won’t mess up again.  I was young and stupid. 
I made a mistake, but I will not again.  “Sirius.”  Yes, call my name Severus. 
Only ever call mine.  I’ll tell everyone that I love you.  I won’t hide this. 
I don’t care what anyone says.  Even if you reject me.  I’ll tell everyone that
I love you.  “Love me.”  Yes, Severus.  I’ll love you.  His voice is much
deeper now that he’s older.  I want to make this Severus feel good as well.  I
want to see if he’s just as beautiful with his hair spilled on the pillows.  I
should have told you how beautiful you were.  I should have told you that I
loved you back when I first realized.  “Sirius.  Please stop standing outside
the door.  Just… come in.”  I swallow the lump in my throat before slowly
opening the door. 
His back is to me.  He’s lying on the bed facing the wall.  He doesn’t have a
shirt on.  I’m not sure how much he has on, but the blanket is pulled up to his
stomach.  My breathing is heavier than I would care to admit.  Apologize. 
Don’t mess up again.
“I’m sorry that I was listening to you.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I’m
sorry.”
“I don’t care about that.”  I step closer to the bed.  Each step has him
tensing more.  “I’m a master at both Legilimency and Occulumecy.  Your mind is
so open.”  I watch him wrap his arms around himself.  “If I didn’t want you to
hear, then I would have just casted a silencing charm.”
“You wanted me to hear you… masturbating to me.”
“I wanted to hear your thoughts… how you felt.  You’ve never been good at
blocking off your emotions.” 
“So was this a test.”
“… of sorts.”
“Did… did I pass?  I’ve never been very good at tests.”  This is the first one
I’ve ever worried about passing or not.
“…I don’t know how to be around you.  You have good intentions.  That doesn’t
mean that I won’t just be abandoned again.”
“Severus.  Can I steal a kiss?”  He actually turns.  His eyes are red and his
face is wet. 
“Asking for permission to do something without permission.  Why much you give
me such headaches.”
“I want a solid answer.  I don’t want to force this.”
“I don’t know how I want to answer.”
“Then let me ask something else… You never answer me.  Are you still a virgin.”
“You already know the answer.”  He’s looking away from me.
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Why so that you can spread it to all your friends that I’m so pathetic that
I’m still a virgin at my age.”
“No.  So that if you ever get to the point that you will let me touch you
again… I can make sure to be gentle.”  He’s curled into a ball and I kneel on
the bed.
“You let him hurt me.  You just let him.  You just stood there.”
“I know.”
“You swore that you wouldn’t hurt me… and then you did.”
“I know.”  I’m rubbing his back.
“You’ll just do it again.  You’ll wait until I feel safe.  Until I trust you…
and then you’ll do it again.”
“No.  I won’t.  We can tell everyone.  I’ll take out an ad in the daily prophet
and tell all of the wizarding world.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Can I kiss you.”  He tenses under me.
“Yea.”  I don’t wait another moment longer.  I have been starving for this. 
His lips part for me… just like I taught him.  One of my hands cup his cheek
while the other lays securely on his shoulder.  When I pull away he’s gasping. 
“Once more.”  I lean back in and I’m only encouraged when his arms wrap around
me and pull me securely on top of him.  I can feel him pressing against my
thigh.  When I pull away his hands grip the fabric on my pants.  “We cannot
keep going.  I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself.  Just let me go and
I’ll…”
“No.”
“Severus.”
“Continue.  Only stop if you do not have any desire to continue.”
“Severus, if you want me to stop, I don’t think I’ll be able to.  It’s been too
long on all accounts.”
“How do you think I feel?  Just continue.  If I want you to stop and you don’t,
then I’ll make you.”
“You much be really pent up.  I don’t think I can be as patient as I was then. 
I’m not going to warn you before I touch you.”
“Continue.  Now.  I don’t care.  Just continue.”  His legs are trembling under
me.  “Please.  Before I change my mind… before the panic sets back in.  Just
continue.  I… I want this.”
“That’s all I need to hear.”
 
***** Chapter 14 *****
Chapter Notes
     Plot.. what plot. Onward my ducklings.
I undress and he watches me openly.  I can faintly see a hand move under the
covers and I don’t need to wonder what he’s doing.  “You will need to lose the
blanket.”  I wonder if I should keep my boxers on.  He inhales deeply and
exhales slowly then kicks the blankets off of him.  He’s completely nude.  I
remove my boxers as well.  “This was our deal right?  Article for article.” 
He’s lying on his back.  There is so much he hasn’t experienced yet.  I want
all of the rest of his firsts to be pleasant happy memories.
“I’ve uh… never done this before.”  I admit awkwardly.
“Well luckily you’re with someone incredibly experienced like me.”  He crosses
his arms.  “Look we can’t both be nervous.  One of us has to assure the other
that everything is fine… and it can’t be me.  So.  If you don’t think you can
handle it…”
“Of course I can handle it.  I just meant.  We are experiencing this together. 
I want to make you feel good.  I’ll try my best, but… if it’s not perfect…”
“Then you can just try harder next time.”  He’s not looking at me and his face
is red.  “If you… wanted there to be a next time.”  I smile at him and it’s
enough to calm him down. 
“Can you open your legs for me.”  I hear him swallow but he does as I ask.  “No
need to be embarrassed.”  I smile at him again.  I stroke him a couple times. 
He’s so pale.  I part my lips slightly and take the tip of his erection into my
mouth.  When he doesn’t make any obvious disapproval I take more of him into my
mouth.  I try to mimic the things that girls did to me in the past, but it was
so long ago.  “A little wider.  Open up just a little wider.”  He does as I ask
but I notice the slight panic in his eyes.  His breathing is getting shaky.  I
suck the tip lightly.  I can’t fit all of him in my mouth so I take what I can
and lightly squeeze the rest with my hand. 
“Nnn.”  His hand is over his mouth to silence himself.
“Don’t.  Just let me hear you.  There’s no embarrassment in feeling good.  I
want to know.  That way if it’s something you like… I’ll know to keep doing
it.  Don’t quiet yourself.”
“I… I will try.”  My spare hand goes to his hip to encourage him to move.  Soon
he no longer needs the encouragement.  Once my jaw starts to hurt I pull away
and softly grind down against him. “ah.”
“Just like before Severus.”  When I grasp us together his back arches off the
bed.  “It’s alright.  I’ll make you feel good.  Just like before.  Just keep
moving as you were.”
“I feel hot.”
“Yes.  Move against me.  You’re leaking so much.  But you were masturbating to
me before.  How often do you do that?”
“I don’t want to answer.”
“Alright Severus.  I won’t press.  But I need to know.  How far do you intend
to go tonight?  Are you wanting me to deflower you?”
“Please… don’t use that term.  I’m not some fresh faced damsel on her wedding
night.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”  When I grind against him particularly hard
he screams.
“It’s going to hurt.”
“Only a little bit.  And I’ll be as gentle as I can with you.”
“We are moving fast…”
“You are over forty and still a virgin and this has been a long time coming.” 
His hands are laying on my hips.  They pull me down on him faster.  “And you
are so pent up, I don’t think anything else will satisfy you.  Look at you. 
Covered in sweat grinding against me.”  The lust dissipates and fear sets in…
back up… “Severus.  You are allowed to feel good.  If you wanted for us to
continue, then I give my word that I will prepare you thoroughly and that I
will take every step to lessen your pain.”  His eyes are clinched shut. 
“What if we do this and you abandon me again.  Or… it doesn’t feel good for
either of us.”
“Neither of those things is going to happen because I’ve been waiting for
twenty years to have another chance.  You will feel tight and hot and amazing…
and I will make sure that you feel good.  I swear.  I’m not going to be the
only one to enjoy it.”  The way his shoulders are set I can tell he isn’t
convinced.  “You were prepared to give your life to bring me back, compared to
that… you should not be scared of this.”  His arms wrap around himself.  Fuck. 
I said that wrong.  He’s pulling away from me.  “Severus.”
“Fear is not logical.  I cannot help that I am afraid.  I thought that you
understood that.”
“I did not mean that the way it sounded.”
“Yes you did.  And I will admit that you are correct.  I should not be afraid. 
I should not be into my forties and terrified of intimacy, but this fear has
existed before I ever had any knowledge of your existence.  It will never go
away.  It doesn’t matter how gently you speak to me or touch me.  It will not
go away.  It’s engrained in every cell of my body.  I was… content to go to my
grave never experiencing holding hands, kissing… sexual intercourse.”  He’s not
looking at me.  “Please leave.  I do not know what I planned to accomplish with
this… test.”
“Severus.”
“I think maybe I was testing myself.  You were the only one that I ever let try
to touch me.  Regardless of what many may think, I have had offers.  I turned
them down.  I never even told them why.  I never told anyone about… you know. 
Lily knew because she was my closest friend… and you knew.  Why didn’t you tell
anyone?  Why were you kind to me?  And why didn’t you… stand up for me?  Did
you think that I was impenetrable, that I couldn’t hurt?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Yes.”
“Severus.  We can go as slow as you want.  Or even… never touching if that’s
what you want.  Don’t leave.  Don’t ask me to leave.  Let me stay.”
“You will lose interest soon enough.  If I trust you, then you will betray me.”
“You know that I won’t.  I should have stood up for you.  I shouldn’t have
bullied you even once.  I did.  You were able to look past that… can you try to
look past this.  It’s been twenty years.  I know what I did was wrong.  You
don’t have to forgive me right now… I can wait… another twenty years if I need
to.  Just give me a chance.”
“You know I already forgave you.  I wasn’t mad.  Hurt maybe… but not mad.  I’m
not going to leave- against my better judgement.  I think It’s a true testament
to my insanity that I’m still infatuated with you despite everything.  Please. 
Continue from before.”
“Are you sure Severus… you are a bit…”  I don’t want to say the word.
“Unstable?  Yes.  I need to prove to myself that intimacy can be… pleasurable
for all involved.  I am willing to continue… just please.  Slowly.”
“You never answered how far you are willing to go.”  He stiffens.
“Can we… plan to have sex with the knowledge that I might stop you.”
“Yes.  One more question.”
“Blast at all these questions.”
“Will you be more comfortable facing me or turned away from me.”  He shifts
slightly.
“I have mixed feelings.”  He’s looking at his hands.  “I do not feel
comfortable facing you… but if I am unable to see you or what you are doing
then I might…”  He doesn’t say it.  He doesn’t need to.  He might mistake me
for his father.  He might forget that he’s a willing participant.  He might
panic.  “Facing you.”
“Alright Severus.  Is there anything you want me to do to you?  Anything at
all?”  His shoulders are tense. 
“Just… kiss me during.  I like…”
“Of course Severus.  I’m going to prepare you.”
“There is spell to…”
“No.  I’m going to do it with my own fingers.  I want to be positive that you
are stretched enough.  And I want to give you plenty of time to become
comfortable with me touching you there.  Plenty of time to stop me.”
“I… understand.”
“There is not any need to be embarrassed.  Or to quiet yourself.  Can you lay
back for me?”  He does.  His body is flushed.  For a moment I look openly at
him.  He’s as thin as I remember.  His body pale like ivory piano keys.  His
skin is like silk, cool to the touch despite our heated actions.  Just before I
go to lay my hand on his abdomen his hand curls around my forearm.  It’s clear
from the unchanging look in his eyes that he hasn’t realized he’s touched me. 
I want to tell him he’s beautiful.  His body like clean parchment.  I want to
write on him.  I want to mark him.  I want all who look at him to know… I have
had him and he belongs to me.  “I want you to belong to me.”  He exhales
sharply and looks away from me.
His hand grasps my arm tighter.  “We both know I already do.”
 
***** Chapter 15 *****
Chapter Notes
     last chapter. Onward my ducklings.
“Sentimental bat.”
“Shut up mutt.  Just.  Continue before I find someone else.”  The bite in his
tone seems to have calmed him down.
“Open your legs for me.”  He opens them silently.  “I’m going to use a spell to
summon some lube on my hands.”  He nods just as I start to rub the slippery
liquid over my fingers.  I want to warm it up a little.  “First finger.  No
surprises.”
“Just have at it already.”  His faux confidence seems to be calming him down. 
When I press my index finger into him he exhales. 
“Does it hurt.”
“No.  No.  it’s fine.”  I slowly move the finger inside of him.  In.  Out. 
Trying to keep a constant speed.  Idly I stroke him.
“Have you done this to yourself before.”
“Done what…”  I curl my finger inside of him.
“Fingered yourself here.”
“No!”  His eyes are wide.  “… maybe.  It’s been a long time.”
“How long.”
“Why do you want to know.”  He’s fighting himself.
“We are doing something that is really intimate.  The more I know about what
you have… or haven’t done… the better I’ll be able to make sure you feel good. 
How long Severus.”
“School.  I thought that… if it were you… I might could do it.  It was after
that night.  I didn’t want to be… completely inexperienced.  I haven’t since
then.  I couldn’t bring myself to, and even the one time I did.  I couldn’t
make myself feel good.”  He’s trying to be open. 
“I haven’t had sex since I was in school, and it was before I became interested
in you.  I tried to afterwards.  There was a girl.  She wanted me to have sex
with her.  Just sex without any attachment, and I was still upset about what I
had done so I thought it would help me feel better.  That it would help me get
over you.”  He’s looking away from me again.  “I couldn’t get hard though.  I
couldn’t become even a little bit aroused.  So a couple weeks later, I tried
again with a different girl.  Couldn’t get hard then either.  A month later I
bit the bullet and thought… maybe I’d be able to with a guy.  I found a guy. 
Dark hair.  Dark eyes.  If you squint your eyes he could almost look like you. 
I thought maybe if it were him it would work.”
“Did it?”  His voice is quiet.
“No.  Not a single bit.  But whenever I’d lay in my bed and think about you,
I’d become hard every time.”  I add a second finger and he tenses slightly. 
When I rub his hip he exhales.  “Try to relax.  It’ll sting less.” 
“Why are you telling me this.”
“Well obviously I don’t want you to hurt.”  I scissor my fingers.  He’s so
tight.
“Not that...”  I knew what he meant.
“I didn’t want to lie to you.  I thought… you should know.  Would you have
preferred that I didn’t tell you?”
“No.  I’m glad you did.”  His erection is leaking precum.  When I return to
stroking him all of the tension in his body leaves.  “This… isn’t so bad.”  His
hair is spilled out like ink on the pillow.  He looks beautiful.  It’s just
like that time.  I should tell him.  I curl my fingers inside of him and his
back arches.  All at once he’s gasping.
“Did that feel good.”  He looks at me briefly before looking away.
“Yes.”
“Do you want me to do that again.”
“…if you do then I might cum.  I am not use to this amount of stimulation.”  I
press against his prostrate again.  A strained whine leaves his vocal cords. 
My hand leaves his erection to press to the back of his head.  His hair is soft
to the touch.  When I pull his face towards mine he initiates the kiss.  My
fingers work faster.  Even as he’s moaning into my mouth my fingers are working
in and out of him faster.  His tongue is tasting me, and I let him.  I let him
rely on instincts and desires.  He pulls away abruptly and buries his face into
my shoulder.  He’s screaming.  His fingers are digging into my arm.  But he
hasn’t asked me to stop.
“Does it feel good Severus.”  He’s nodding from his hiding place.  Still openly
moaning.  Still writhing in my arms.  “Good.  You deserve to feel like this. 
You deserve to feel good.”  He’s gasping hard and I can feel warmth on my
belly.  “Severus.  I’m going to enter you now.  Is that okay.  You need to tell
me now if it’s not because I will not be able to stop once I’m inside of you.”
“You’ll… go slow.”
“Yes.”
“Can I.  Can I stay like this?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.  I think I’m ready.  Please continue.”
“Alright.  It might sting.  It might even be uncomfortable at first, but just
try to stay calm and relaxed.  If you get nervous it will hurt more.”  I lift
his hips and pull him securely into my lap.  It’s easy to lift him and ease him
down.  I nearly cum… and I’m not even fully inside him yet.  “Can you lower
yourself down Severus.”  He nods.  I can hear him breathing trying to stay
calm.  “Just go at your own pace.  No need to move too fast.”  It feels like
forever before I’m finally seated in him.  He’s quietly whimpering.  He refuses
to leave where he’s hiding.  “Can I move love?”
“Yes.  Just.  Slowly.  Please.”
“Of course Severus.”  The first small shift and I’m seeing stars.  He’s so
tight around me.  No doubt that he’s a virgin.  Was a virgin.  “How’s this
Severus.”
“A little… deeper.”  Every word is a whisper.  I can feel his grip on my
shoulders tightening with every thrust.  “Like that.”
“All you have to do is tell me what you want Severus.”
“Just keep talking.  I’m okay as long as you keep talking.” 
“But what can I say.  You don’t like dirty talk.”  I’m using all of my self-
control no to fill his belly with cum right now.  “Do you like to be talked to
sweetly.  Do you want me to whisper sweet nothings in your ear?”  He tenses
slightly.  “Would you like that Severus.”
“I’m sorry.”  His voice sounds defeated.  I pet his hair.
“Don’t be.  It’s perfectly natural to want to hear words of affection.  It’s
not embarrassing to want to hear them.  And it’s not embarrassing to say.  What
do you want me to tell you love?  Do you want to hear how much I love you?  Or
how beautiful I think you are?  Do you want me to tell you how often I dreamt
of this?  Of holding you against me.”
“Sirius.”  I’m moving faster now and the way his shoulders are trembling is
only turning me on more. 
“I should have told you everything before.  There were so many times I wanted
to tell you that you were beautiful, and I didn’t.  I didn’t think you would
want to hear me say that.  I was afraid that you would be upset.  But I wanted
to tell you so many times.”
“Lying.”
“No.  No I’m not.”  His body is melting into mine. 
“Yes.  Lying.  No one ever.”
“I think you are.  I don’t care what anyone else says.  You’re fucking
beautiful.”  He’s whimpering.  “Am I hurting you.  You have to tell me.”
“Doesn’t hurt.  Feels good.” 
“Severus.  I don’t think I’ll be about to last very much longer.”
“I can’t… much either.”
“You have to tell me now.  Inside or outside.  You have to tell me.  I can’t
last.”  He’s breathing so fast.  His voice is quiet and muffled by my shoulder.
“Inside.  Please.”  I lose it.  That small request.  I pull him from my
shoulder needing to look at him.  I need to see him.  He fights me at first
before loosening his grip.  I lay him on his back with his legs around me. 
He’s crying and gasping as I take him faster.  I listen for anything.  Any
hesitation.  Any fear.  Nothing.  “There.  Feels good.”  He’s forcing himself
to look me in the eyes.  His eyes widen and I watch him scream his release.  I
bottom out.  I can feel all of the tension leave my body as I feel him with
streams of my cum.  We both look at each other.  When I pull out I chuckle at
my cum spilling out of him.  Though he looks embarrassed he doesn’t say
anything. 
“How… uh.  Was your first time.”  He nods.  “That wasn’t an answer.”
“It was better than I thought it would be.”
“Good.”  I kiss him on the lips and summon a towel to clean us up.  He looks
unsure.  “What is it Severus.”  His cheeks are red.  “Just say it.”
“Will you stay…”  He lets me wipe the already drying cum off of him.  “I don’t
want to wake up and you not be next to me.”
“Severus.  I’ll stay beside you as long as you’ll let me.”  He laughs lightly.
“Then you’ll be beside me for a long time.”
 
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