Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12940425.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Law_&_Order:_SVU
  Character:
      Dominick_"Sonny"_Carisi_Jr., Rafael_Barba, Olivia_Benson
  Additional Tags:
      Childhood_Trauma, Rape, Past_Rape/Non-con, Underage_Rape/Non-con,
      Underage_-_Freeform, Sexual_Abuse, teacher, student, High_School,
      Disclosure
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-12-07 Updated: 2018-03-12 Chapters: 7/? Words: 8117
****** “I didn’t want anyone to ever know.” ******
by UnikKautte
Summary
     While working a sexual abuse case at a high school, a member of the
     SVU squad approaches ADA Barba to disclose that they have a personal
     connection to the case.
***** “I didn’t want anyone to ever know.” *****
Carisi approached Barba’s office nervously. He didn’t want to; everything
screamed at him to turn around and walk away. He was shaking and sweaty… but if
there was a time to do this, it was now.
“No time like the present, right?” he thought to himself as he knocked on the
ADA’s door and waited briefly before walking in and shutting the door behind
him.
“Detective Carisi, what can I do for you?” Barba asked, barely glancing up from
the work on his desk.
“Ah, counsellor… you got a minute?” Carisi replied anxiously.
“Not really,” Barba sighed quietly under his breath before replying properly,
“Yes,” gesturing for the younger man to sit, and walking over to sit across
from him. As soon as Carisi sat down his leg began to jiggle nervously.
“Is this about the Weber case?” Barba inquired seriously.
“Y-yeah. You said that, in order to build a strong case, you needed more
victims to come forward, right?” the detective asked hesitantly.
“Yes, but we have yet to get anyone to come forward-“ Carisi cut him off.
“I… know of one.”
Barba’s brows furrowed.
“Another victim?”
Carisi nodded.
“Do you think they’d be willing to testify?”
Now Carisi felt like he was suffocating.
“Ah… I’m not sure.”
“Alright, I can talk with him, or you could. It’s not like we haven’t dealt
with cases like this before.”
Carisi felt numb all over. “What are you doing?” he argued with himself.
“Is everything alright, detective?” Barba questioned, rousing Carisi from his
thoughts.
“Um… yea-no. Counsellor…” he started quietly, “I need to confess something.”
Barba frowned intriguingly, tilting his head to the side slightly.
The room was silent for a few brief moments.
“I-it… it’s me.”
The ADA seemed confused.
Carisi sighed and spoke slowly to ease the fear in his voice.
“Counsellor, your victim… is me.”
Barba closed his eyes briefly and nodded. To say that he was shocked would be
an understatement.
“Okay. I have some questions- well, lots actually.”
Carisi just stared at Barba’s shoes.
----------------
“It happened while I was in high school. I was failing, and he asked me to stay
after class so that we could address it.”
Carisi couldn’t make eye contact with Barba, in fact, he couldn’t even look at
him, but he knew that the ADA had nodded encouragingly for him to continue.
He took a deep breath before continuing.
“He told me to close the door, I just assumed it was to make our meeting
private, not so he that could get me alone, and…” he trailed off; he couldn’t
say it, he never had, not in relation to himself anyways.
After a momentary pause, he continued.
“He said that there was nothing that I could do coursework-wise, but that if I
helped him out, he’d be willing to consider it for extra credit.”
Flashback_to_15-year-old_Dominick_Carisi
Dominick was miserable. He sucked at all of the sciences, chemistry, physics,
and biology, and hated them even more. He was failing, and he had asked,
practically begged, his teacher for something to boost his mark up just enough
so he’d pass. He’d lucked out; Mr. Weber had agreed, and had asked him to stay
after school to work on whatever it was.
He walked into the science lab and Mr. Weber looked up from his desk.
“Dominick, glad you could make it! Please close the door.” The older man said,
nodding towards the exit. He closed the door and walked towards his teacher.
“Uh, thank you, sir, for meeting with me. I really need to pass, or my parents
will kill me!”
Mr. Weber chuckled.
“Not literally, I hope.”
Dominick grimaced.
“Ah, you don’t know many Italians, do ya?”
Mr. Weber laughed again, and Dominick smiled.
“Please, take a seat. Relax.”
Dominick sat on a desk close to his teacher’s.
“So, Dominick, next week is your midterm.”
Dominick groaned inwardly.
“How do you think you’ll do?”
“I’m not sure, sir.”
“Well, to be honest, I’m not too sure either. But, like I said, you could help
me out…”
His teacher stood up and walked towards him.
“I’d be willing to bump your mark up if you did a really good job.”
“Maybe report card day won’t be so bad after all…” Dominick thought.
“Sir, I really need to pass; I’ll do anything.”
Mr. Weber smiled.
“Excellent, that’s what I’d hoped you say.”
Back_to_modern_day
“Carisi?” Barba probed gently.
Carisi inhaled sharply before clearing his throat and glancing up at Barba.
“Uh, right. H-he walked behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. I… I didn’t
even know what to expect. I-I had no idea what he was going to do.”
A sad look crossed Barba’s face.
“Caris-Dominick… you know that this was not your fault. Jacob Weber is a serial
abuser, who has been abusing the trust of adolescent boys for decades. It’s not
your fault.”
Carisi just chewed on his bottom lip.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The silence in ADA Barba’s office was deafening. For once, both men were
rendered subsequently speechless. Eventually, Barba broke the silence.
“How long did this go on for?”
Carisi was numbed to the point of feeling like he could barely breath.
“A few months.” He mumbled.
“I failed the class, so I had to retake it. I passed the second time though,
and after that he left me alone.”
Barba nodded, knowing that this man, this predator, had likely failed Carisi on
purpose to keep him in his class longer.
“Ok. And how old were you when this happened?”
“Old enough to know better, and to fight back.” He’d thought.
“F-fifteen, sixteen.”
Flashback_to_15-year-old_Dominick_Carisi
Mr. Weber was standing behind him, and put both his hands on Dominick’s
shoulders. Dominick squirmed uncomfortably ever so slightly.
And then the older man leaned over Dominick, like a lion about to devour a
gazelle.
“Tell me Dominick… are you a virgin?” The older man inquired with a smirk.
“W-what?!” Dominick panicked, twisting his body around to look at his teacher
with a look on his face that was a mixture of shock and fear.
“Have you ever had sex?”
Dominick felt paralyzed.
“Ever sucked another man off?”
In the same moment, Dominick leapt off of the desk and made for the door, and
his teacher grabbed his arm, yanking him backwards toward his body. The older
man placed his hand tightly across Dominick’s mouth and nose.
“Are you going to be a good boy? Or am I going to have to shove something into
that pretty little mouth of yours?
Tears stung Dominick’s eyes, and he choked back a sob before nodding slightly.
“Good. Now, lets have some fun.”
Back_to_modern_day
Carisi was trembling.
“I-I’ve never told anyone before. No one knows.” He said, shaking his head.
Then, in an even quieter voice, borderline whispering, he confessed:
“I didn’t want anyone to ever know.”
***** “I was a teenager! I knew better!" *****
Chapter Notes
     AN: Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story and for all
     the kudos (and a special shoutout to GandS2006 and lawyerboyfriends)!
     I have written several fanfics before – years ago, under a different
     pseudonym – and I never received the response that I’m gotten on this
     one, so thank you! Just to be clear: I do intend for this fic to be
     multiple chapters, and my goal is to update a least once a week.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Carisi was trembling.
“I-I’ve never told anyone before. No one knows.” He said, shaking his head.
Then, in an even quieter voice, borderline whispering, he confessed:
“I didn’t want anyone to ever know.”
------------------------------------------------
 Carisi is sitting with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.
Barba, who is leaned forward, sighed sadly.
 
“Car-Dominick… do you wish to testify?” Barba asks carefully.
Carisi moves his hands from his face to slightly hanging between his knees, his
head still turned down.
“I… I don’t… I don’t really know.” He stammers.
“I don’t want him to get away with this, again. I don’t want him to keep…
hurting kids.” He shakes his head.
“This… what happened, to all these kids… what’s been going on for YEARS,”
Carisi looked up at Barba, now feeling disgusted and angry with himself, “That
is on me, that is MY fault.” He said, his finger now jabbing himself in the
chest pointedly.
Barba shook his head.
“No one is to blame, except Jacob Weber. You were a CHILD, Dominick!”
“I was a teenager! I knew better!” Carisi snapped back.
Barba sighed and looked away. The intensity of the younger man’s gaze was a
little overwhelming, which was saying a lot considering the situations he had
been in in the court room and while making deals with some of the worst people
on the planet.
 
“I am asking if you are willing to testify because then you would need to file
an official complaint.” He said, again choosing his words carefully. Carisi was
obviously in a fragile emotional state right now, and Barba didn’t want to tip
him over the edge.
Carisi remained silent, once again looking down at his hands and the ground.
“You know, probably more than anyone else, that we cannot use your disclosure
in court unless you file a complaint with SVU.”
 
It took a few moments for Carisi to understand what Barba was really trying to
tell him… he should have known that he could not just tell Barba what happened
to him, he would also have to talk about it, in court, and even to his
coworkers… at the very least he would have to tell the Lieutenant.
Now he felt nauseous.
 
“Okay.” Carisi said after a few minutes, which felt more like several hours to
both men.
“I’ll do it. I’ll testify.”
Barba nodded, got up, and stepped out of the room to make a phone call to
Lieutenant Benson.
 
----------------------------
 
“Benson?” the Lieutenant answered, standing at home in her kitchen.
“Olivia? I need you to come and meet me at my office, as soon as possible.”
“Um, okay. Sure. What’s going on?” Liv asked worriedly.
Barba sighed.
“A victim, in the Weber case, has come forward. I need you to take his
statement. He’s here at my office right now.”
“Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Thank you, Liv.”
 
---------------------------
 
Half an hour later, Barba met Olivia outside of his office.
 
“Thank you for coming, Liv. I have to tell you something before we go in…”
Barba said, with one hand rubbing the back of his head, and the other in his
pocket.
“The man that’s in my office? It’s Carisi.” Barba explained discreetly.
“Oh, Carisi…” Olivia put her hand over her eyes and shook her head. She was
more than a little shocked. Some people… she could tell that they had
experienced trauma at some time in their lives; Carisi was so outgoing and
positive. She never would have suspected that he was a survivor.
Olivia wiped her hand across her face, held her cheek, and nodded.
“Okay. Let’s go talk to him.”
 
----------------------------
 
The two entered the room to find Carisi standing by the window, with his hands
in his pockets. He didn’t even look up when Olivia and Barba entered.
 
“Carisi? How are you doing?” Liv said gently, walking near him, while Barba
opted to sit down on a couch.
Carisi swallowed hard before turning around.
“Lieutenant.” He said, nodding at her, his eyes not meeting hers.
Olivia gave him a small, sad smile.
 
---------------------------
 
Carisi was sitting across from Olivia and Barba, trying to think of how, or
where, to begin.
 
“I… don’t know where to start.” He finally admitted.
“That’s okay. How about, you just start from the beginning.” Olivia suggested.
Carisi nodded, feeling kind of ridiculous for struggling so hard with this.
“He was my tenth-grade science teacher. I’ve never been any good at science… I
just wanted to pass the class. I thought…” Carisi swallowed before continuing,
“I thought he’d have me inventory the class supplies or do an extra research
assignment.”
Olivia nodded encouragingly.
Carisi licked his lips.
 
Flashback_to_Fifteen-year-old_Carisi
 
When it was all over Dominick sat on the floor, his back against a desk,
wearing just his socks. His eyes were tightly shut and his hand was across his
mouth, a feeble attempt of the young boy’s to stave off a sob. Mr. Weber was
standing a few feet away putting his clothes back on. The world stood still,
and everything was silent for several minutes.
 
Eventually, Mr. Weber’s gruff voice broke through the veil of shock that
Dominick was entrenched in.
“Get dressed. The janitor will be coming around soon to empty the trash bins,
and I have to get home.”
Dominick opened his eyes and nodded wordlessly before getting up and gathering
up his clothes. He got dressed slowly, acutely aware of how much pain he was
in, while Mr. Weber sat at his desk marking tests… as if nothing had happened.
Chapter End Notes
     AN: I tried my best to capture Olivia accurately, so hopefully I’ve
     done that, and if not: sorry.
***** “Sometimes, I think that’s the part I hated the most…” *****
Chapter Notes
     First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH to Utaka14, translators, wekkabakka,
     SoulCrusher515, ilovedrwilson, benji4you, and azrapseluar for the
     kudos and to Psy, Utaka14, and Forresten for bookmarking my story <3
     You are all absolutely amazing! Also, I am very sorry that it took me
     so long to update. I’ve been struggling to find inspiration as to how
     to continue, but I do believe I have found it now (though, if you
     have any suggestions, I am more than open to them!!)
     As well, a warning: this chapter is going to get graphic.
Flashback_to_Fifteen-year-old_Dominick_Carisi
When it was all over Dominick sat on the floor, his back against a desk,
wearing just his socks. His eyes were tightly shut and his hand was across his
mouth, a feeble attempt of the young boy’s to stave off a sob. Mr. Weber was
standing a few feet away putting his clothes back on. The world stood still,
and everything was silent for several minutes.
Eventually, Mr. Weber’s gruff voice broke through the veil of shock that
Dominick was entrenched in.
“Get dressed. The janitor will be coming around soon to empty the trash bins,
and I have to get home.”
Dominick opened his eyes and nodded wordlessly before getting up and gathering
up his clothes. He got dressed slowly, acutely aware of how much pain he was
in, while Mr. Weber sat at his desk marking tests… as if nothing had happened.
Back_to_modern_day
 
“Carisi?” Olivia asked with concern, now sitting beside Carisi and gently
touching his shoulder to rouse him from his thoughts.
“Hmm?” Carisi turned to Olivia, forgetting for a brief moment where he was and
what he was doing. Once reality hit him again, he looked away and mumbled a
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Take your time.” Olivia said, nodding empathetically. Barba was
still seated across from them, legs crossed, listening quietly.
Carisi took a calming breath before continuing.
“After that first time… it became a regular thing.” Carisi said, pausing every
few words to steady his voice.
“Okay. How often was regular?” Olivia’s head was tilted to the side so that she
could see the young detective’s face.
Carisi sighed deeply.
“He… sent a note home, saying that he was going to tutor me privately, once a
week. My parents…” Carisi shook his head bitterly, “My parents were… were
happy, that they wouldn’t need to fork over thousands of dollars for me to pull
my grades up.”
“So, once a week.”
Carisi nodded, a sour taste filling his mouth.
 
Flashback_to_Fifteen-year-old_Dominick_Carisi
It had been a week since Dominick met with Mr. Weber. When he had gotten home
that night he had immediately gone and showered, trying desperately hard not to
alert his parents, or any of his sisters, as to how much pain he was in as he
made his way to the bathroom. He had scrubbed the skin on his arms and thighs
near raw before he broke down sobbing. He felt… well he didn’t really know how
he felt. Confused, angry, disgusted, ashamed, afraid… none of those fully
explained what was going on inside of him. How could he have let this happen?
Why didn’t he fight back? Why didn’t he scream? Hell, why didn’t he tell his
parents as soon as he’d gotten home?
In the days since the assault, Dominick was still not sure how he was feeling,
or what he was going to do about it. He had begun sitting in the back during
his classes, too overwhelmed and distracted to pay attention.
“… Can anyone name two mammals that have a symbiotic relationship? Anyone?
Dominick maybe?”
Hearing his name being called roused Dominick from his thoughts, and he looked
up at his teacher.
“Dominick, am I boring you?”
Everyone turned around to look at him.
“Um… no, sir.”
Mr. Weber stared at him, narrowing his eyes.
“I’d like you to stay after class, please.”
Dominick felt like the wind had been kicked out of him, as the rest of the
class teasingly “ooohh’ed” at a fellow student getting into trouble.
He nodded silently in response, a lump forming in the back of his throat. What
if… what if, as soon as they were alone together, what happened last week,
happened again?
------------------------
“Dominick, I’d like you to give this letter to your parents, and have them sign
the permission slip. I’d like it by tomorrow, please.”
Dominick accepted the sealed, white envelope from his teacher. They were alone
in the science lab, and Dominick’s knees felt so weak that he actually held
onto the edge of Mr. Weber’s desk.
“W-what is it?” he asked, purposely staring at the envelope in his hands,
rather than looking up at his teacher.
“I’m volunteering to tutor you; that way, you’ll pass, and won’t have to go to
summer school. A nice, young boy like you should be spending his summers
outside, running around, and playing sports, not cooped up in a classroom.”
Dominick felt sick to his stomach.
Back_to_Modern_Day
 
Carisi’s hands were shaking, and he clasped them together tightly to try and
hide it.
Olivia was nodding again.
“Okay, okay… And what would happen during these meetings?” She asked, glancing
up at Barba, who returned her look of concern. No matter how many years she had
worked at Special Victims, asking this question, and hearing the answers, never
got easier. Even knowing what Jacob Weber did to his other victims didn’t make
this less difficult to hear from one of the Lieutenant’s most promising
detectives.
Caris sighed heavily.
“… it Depends. Depends on what kind of mood he was in, depends on… on h-how
good I was….” He trailed off, staring at his hands as he spoke.
He shut his eyes tight, his face scrunching up, and took a long, deep breath,
before forcing himself to say what he had long tried to pretend never happened.
 
“H-he… he would m-make me… have sex… or touch him… o-or use my mouth. S-
sometimes, he would touch me back…” Carisi was barely speaking above a whisper,
leading Barba to have to strain a little to hear him.
“Sometimes, I think that’s the part I hated the most…”
 
Flashback_to_Fifteen-year-old_Dominick_Carisi
 
It had been about a month since Dominick had begun meeting with his science
teacher for “tutoring.” So far, they hadn’t worked on anything remotely close
to science.
Their first tutoring lesson (which Dominick had tried to get out of, but was
caught by Mr. Weber, who had grabbed his arm and pulled him back as he was
leaving the classroom - “Going somewhere Dominick? Remember, we have our first
tutoring session today.”), begun with his teacher locking the door behind them,
then promptly forcing him against a wall. His teacher then started to kiss and
nip at his neck, while rubbing and touching Dominick through his jeans.
Dominick whimpered, and shut his eyes tightly, trying desperately to go
somewhere else in his mind, to pretend that none of this was happening… he
tried that is, before he started to feel himself react to what the older man
was doing to him. His eyes flew open, and he immediately struggled to push Mr.
Weber away from him, who just wrapped his hand tightly around Dominick’s mouth,
holding him in place.
“You’re not going anywhere. I know you like this. You want it!”
Dominick, still struggling to break free, had started to cry.
Mr. Weber removed his hand from the young boy’s mouth, only to replace it with
his lips, and used his now-free hand to continue molesting the young boy.
 
Back_to_modern_day
 
Everyone was quiet and Carisi felt… well, much the same as he felt after the
first time Mr. Weber did what he did, though mostly ashamed and disgusted. He
knew deep down that the Lieutenant and the ADA were not thinking that he was
disgusting, and dirty, and he had been working at SVU long enough to know that
shame was… normal, if there was anything normal in what had happened to him.
But still, he couldn’t help but feel shame and like he was dirty, despite the
fact that the last time his teacher had made him do anything was years ago.
It was, surprisingly, Barba who broke the silence, speaking in the softest tone
that either Olivia or Carisi had ever heard from him.
“Thank you, Dominick. I know that none of that was easy for you to say.”
Carisi didn’t respond, just swallowed and looked away.
“Um, well… it’s late, so how about we get someone to give you a ride home, and
we’ll pick this up tomorrow after you’ve gotten some rest.” Olivia suggested.
Carisi was going to protest, to say that he could get himself home, but
suddenly felt exhausted, and nodded okay instead.
“Um, I can… give him a ride home, Liv.” Barba volunteered.
 Olivia nodded, and placed her hand on Carisi's shoulder gently, who looked
back down at his hands.
"Okay. Go home, get some sleep, and....." Olivia paused to sigh quietly, "And
we'll add this to the long list of Jacob Weber's charges tomorrow morning." 
***** "I feel like a damn kid again. Alone." *****
Chapter Notes
     THANK YOU SO MUCH Huggiebear and Abitfairytailforme for your
     encouraging comments <3 and thank you RafaelBarbaissohot,
     Borderline_is_tricky, booyahfordham, Hero7632, Psy, Huggiebear, and
     Abitfairytailforme for the kudos! I am so happy that you are all
     enjoying my story. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
“Um, well… it’s late, so how about we get someone to give you a ride home, and
we’ll pick this up tomorrow after you’ve gotten some rest.” Olivia suggested.
Carisi was going to protest, to say that he could get himself home, but
suddenly felt exhausted, and nodded okay instead.
“Um, I can… give him a ride home, Liv.” Barba volunteered.
 
----------------------------
Admittedly, Carisi never imagined Rafael Barba as someone who drove… he’s not
really sure how he imagined the counsellor made it to court, or his office, or
to SVU… he just figured Barba just kind of appeared there.
The two had been awkwardly driving in silence for close to twenty minutes;
Barba, lost in his thoughts, and Carisi still trying to calm his shaking hands.
“It’s um… it’s the second one on the right, there.” Carisi said, pointing out
the passenger side window.
Barba pulled over and parked outside of Carisi’s apartment building, but
neither of the two made any moves to get out of the car.
Finally Barba sighed heavily, the evenings events having worn him out.
“Carisi… you should really go upstairs and get some sle-“
“I can’t.” the younger man said abruptly, staring out the window at his
building.
Barba turned to him, his brow furrowed with concern.
“I… I’m afraid… to be alone. Of… of what I’ll do if I’m b-by myself…”
Barba nodded slowly, swallowing nervously.
He spoke hesitantly, a touch of sadness pouring through.
“Dominick… should I be taking you to a hospital?”
Carisi shook his head.
“No, no. It-it’s nothing like that. I just…” Carisi sighed heavily.
“I don’t… feel safe, by myself. I just… I feel like a damn kid again. Alone.”
Carisi said, shaking his head and making a sound that was similar to a bitter
chuckle, only more empty sounding and without the joy behind it.
“You are not alone. You have Liv and I, and we’ll be with you throughout all of
this. You’ll never be alone in this.”
Barba spoke slowly, hoping that the words would resonate with the young
detective.
Carisi stayed quiet, continuing to stare out the window.
Another minute or so passed before Barba got out of the car and walked over to
the passenger side door, opening it.
“Come on. I’ll walk you up, make sure you get settled.”
Carisi stared at Barba’s shoes for a few moments, before unbuckling his seat
belt and getting out of the car.
 
--------------------
 
Carisi’s apartment looked nothing like Barba had imagined. He was surprised to
find that Carisi’s home looked a little like a mixture of Patrick Bateman’s
apartment from American Psychoand Gary and Brooke’s condo from The Break-Up,
rather than a random assemble of furniture collected since Carisi’s college
days. Barba was suddenly curious as to what the rest of the young detective’s
apartment looked like…
As soon as they had walked in, Carisi had mumbled something that sounded like
“Make yourself comfortable” and run off somewhere, leaving the ADA standing
awkwardly in the front entryway. After a few minutes, the middle-aged lawyer
decided to take the younger man up on his offer, and made his way over to the
adjoining living room. As he walked in, Barba was pleasantly shocked by the
sight of an oversized bookshelf against the far left wall, holding dozens of
books, the majority of which appeared to be law books, as well as dozens of
framed photographs on the walls. He made his way over to one of them; this one
seemed to be of a much younger Carisi – maybe eleven or twelve – and three
girls, one that was clearly older, one that was clearly younger, and one that
looked like she may have been the same age as the boy. In the photo, the four
were sitting at a table, young Dominick Carisi was grinning and holding the
youngest girl on his lap, while the other girls were standing across from them.
Barba smiled slightly, and turned to another photo. This one seemed to be from
just a few years ago, of Carisi holding a small infant, who was adorned in a
light yellow onsie reading “I ❤︎ my Uncle.” Just then Carisi walked in, now
wearing a pair of sweat pants and a white t-shirt.
 
Carisi leaned against the archway that lead into the hallway, and gestured to
the photograph.
“That’s my nephew. He’s my sister’s, Bella’s, son.”
Barba remained quiet for a moment, trying to put together what he wanted to
say. Finally he tucked his hands into his jacket pockets, turned so that he was
fully facing Carisi, and spoke: “You know… what you said earlier, about feeling
alone, I understand it, I do, but I also see that you have a lot of people
around you that care about you. You have your family, me, Liv, and the rest of
SVU.”
Carisi eyebrows raise in surprise at Barba mentioning that he cared about him,
though if the counsellor noticed, he didn’t say anything. Carisi had always
felt like Barba merely tolerated him…
Barba continued.
“What you did today… it’s going to protect hundreds of kids, kids like your
nephew, and bring justice to those who couldn’t be protected. I.. honestly, I
don’t think there’s a braver thing that a person could do.”
For the first time all night, Carisi gave Barba a small smile.
 
THE NEXT DAY
Lieutenant Benson was standing outside of the interrogation room, watching
Jacob Weber and his lawyer through the one-way mirror, as Barba walked into the
room. He nodded, and gave her a soft “Hey” as he walked over to peer thrugh the
glass himself. He noted Liv’s look of contempt as she stared at the man that
had abused so many kids… including detective Carisi. He sighed exhaustedly as
Liv turned her back to the glass and looked over at him, her arms now crossed.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked her with seriousness, yet also a tinge of
concern.
Olivia sighed quietly.
“As ready as I could be in this situation.”
Barba nodded, and pursed his lips in agreement.
“Okay, lets do this then.”
***** "I wanted to know w-what he’d say… about me.” *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you AussieFan70 for the kudos, and to Lyssa13,
     Abitfairytaleforme, and autumnamberleaves for your supportive
     comments <3
THE NEXT DAY
Lieutenant Benson was standing outside of the interrogation room, watching
Jacob Weber and his lawyer through the one-way mirror, as Barba walked into the
room. He nodded, and gave her a soft “Hey” as he walked over to peer thrugh the
glass himself. He noted Liv’s look of contempt as she stared at the man that
had abused so many kids… including detective Carisi. He sighed exhaustedly as
Liv turned her back to the glass and looked over at him, her arms now crossed.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked her with seriousness, yet also a tinge of
concern.
Olivia sighed quietly.
“As ready as I could be in this situation.”
Barba nodded, and pursed his lips in agreement.
“Okay, lets do this then.”
-------------------------
 As soon as ADA Barba and Lieutenant Benson entered the interrogation room,
Jacob Weber’s lawyer immediately stood up and began to defend his client.
“Why are we here again? You’ve already charged my client, what more could we
possibly have to say to you before trial?”
Olivia looked at him coldly.
“Sit down, counsellor.”
Barba felt like the room temperature had dropped ten degrees. All three of them
then sat down in the cold, hard, metal interrogation room chairs.
Benson opened a manila folder containing a photograph of a teenaged boy,
several forms, and typed notes. She removed the photo and placed it in front of
Jacob Weber, who stared at it for a moment, before sliding it towards the
middle of the table.
“I don’t know him.” He denied, a blank looks on his face.
“Look again.” Benson demanded with authority.
“Was this a former student of mine? I had hundreds of them, you cannot possibly
expect me to remember-“
Benson cut him off.
“Dominick Carisi.” She said pointedly.
Weber blinked back a possible look of recognition at Carisi’s name, and feigned
trying to remember, before shaking his head.
“No… I don’t recall having a student by that name…”
“Really?” Benson asked, grabbing one of the pages from the folder.
“Because he sure as hell had a lot to say about you.”
She passed the men across from her the page, and Jacob Weber’s lawyer snatched
it immediately, scanning it for info.
“Could I have a moment with my client, alone?” The lawyer asked after a moment.
Barba frowned; him and Benson got up and left the room.
----------------------
As soon as they stepped out of the room, they were surprised to see Carisi, his
arms folded in a disguised way of handling his anxiety and fear, and his back
to the one-way window.
“Carisi, what are you doing here?” Olivia asked, surprised and concerned.
“I… I just wanted to see for myself… I wanted to know w-what he’d say… about
me.” He replied, avoiding eye contact.
Olivia’s face and demeanour softened.
“I understand, but you know you can’t be here right now, listening to the
interview. It could compromise the case.” Barba reminded Carisi, an unexpected
gentleness in his voice.
 
Barba was compassionate of course – it was very difficult to do the job that he
did without compassion – but it wasn’t very often that he tried to comfort
others. Sure, he had comforted Olivia on occasion, but she was a close friend.
While Carisi was a sort of friend too, in this situation he was a victim, and
dealing with victims was not his forte.  
 
After a moment, Carisi nodded solemnly.
Olivia put a hand gently on his shoulder.
“How about you go and sit in my office, and we’ll talk when we’re done here?”
She suggested.  
Carisi sighed, and nodded, before leaving the room.
At that moment, Jacob Weber’s defense attorney knocked on the window,
signalling to Benson and Barba that he was ready to talk.
 
-----------------------------
“Ok… I admit to knowing Dominick and having a relationship with him.”
Olivia scoffed, looking to Barba in disbelief.
“Look, I know how it sounds… it’s inappropriate and unethical to have a
relationship with a student-“
“An UNDERAGED student!” Olivia corrected him angrily.
Weber frowned.
“I never made Dominick do anything that he didn’t want to do. We were… we were
in love…”
Barba got up abruptly.
“Okay, we’re done here.”
“Dominick was okay with everything that we did! He never said no!” he shouted
at them as they were leaving the room.
Olivia turned back to him.
“Even if that were true, it’s still statutory rape.”
She tried to keep her voice even, so as not to tip the man off as to how angry
she was. This case was personal, and she had to try and not let him know that.
 
-----------------------
Olivia knocked on the door before entering her office, where Carisi was
waiting.
Carisi had been up and pacing, but sat down when Olivia entered the room, Barba
close behind. Carisi noted that the Lieutenant seemed angry. Olivia sat down,
and Barba stood behind Carisi, his arms crossed, and leaned against the wall.
All three of them remained quiet for one long minute. Carisi broke the silence,
speaking quietly, his eyes cast down.
“What did he say?”
Oliva remained quiet; Barba sighed before answered the younger man.
“He said… that you two had a consensual, albeit inappropriate, relationship.”  
 
Flashback_to_Fifteen-year-old_Dominick_Carisi
 
Dominick had felt completely numbed for weeks. He had tried, desperately, to
get out of his “tutoring” sessions… pretending he was sick, claiming to join an
after school club, and then actually joining a club, but his parents wouldn’t
budge and made him continue, week after week, to stay after school with Mr.
Weber.
He had started to lose weight, and couldn’t concentrate during the day, or
sleep at night. His grades in his other classes had started to slip. When his
parents questioned him about it, all he could do was shrug.
 
Today, after yet another one of his “tutoring” sessions, his teacher stopped
him before he could leave.
“Dominick… I’m worried about you.”
Dominick didn’t respond, he just looked away.
Mr. Weber put an arm around him and started rubbing his back, as if to
“reassure” the young boy.
“You know you can tell me anything. You can trust me.”
In a moment of hurt, confusion, and anger, Dominick shoved him away.
“Get away from me! Don’t touch me!” he snapped,
“Calm down, Dominick. There’s no need for that.” Mr. Weber said calmly,
approaching the boy with his hands up.
“Just… just leave me alone.” Dominick replied, his voice breaking, as he tried,
but failed, to step away before the older man could touch him again. Mr. Weber
embraced him, holding Dominick as he began to sob.
“P-please… I-I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Mr. Weber rubbed Dominick’s back gently, murmuring soothing words to the young
boy. He felt ashamed, but Dominick couldn’t help but lean into the comfort. He
had felt so alone, afraid, and empty, for months…
“It’s okay… I get it. You’re scared… but it’s okay, you don’t need to be
afraid, or ashamed, with me!”
Dominick abruptly pulled away and looked up at his teacher.
"It’s okay, you don’t have to lie to me, Dominick… I know you’re gay, and
that’s okay! It’s completely natural!”
 “W-what?! No!” He felt like he was going to throw up, and tried to pull away
from the older man, but he gripped Dominick tighter.
"Dominick please... I-I love you."
And that's when Dominick punched him in the face, then ran from the room.
 
He had had to wear sweaters and long-sleeved shirts for the next week and a
half to cover up the bruises on his arms from where Mr. Weber had gripped him.
Mr. Weber, on the other hand, couldn't cover up the black eye Dominick had
given him; seeing it made Dominick smile for the first time in weeks.
 
Back_to_modern_day
 
Carisi was shaking, pissed off, and mortified. 
"No! No, that is NOT what happened!" He said, his voice raised, and sounding
panicked and out of breath. 
Olivia tried to interject to get him to calm down.
"I did NOT have a...a RELATIONSHIP with him! That's NOT what happened!" 
Olivia raised both her hands and her voice to try and get through to him and
quiet both him and his worries. 
She knew how common it was for boys who had experienced abuse to get extremely
upset at the suggestion that they might be gay or had been a willing
participant in what had happened to them. 
 "Carisi, neither of us think that you two were in a relationship. We know the
rationalization that abusers use to make what they did seem okay. We know what
he did to you was wrong, it doesn't matter what he said."
"I will make sure that he goes to prison for this, for a very long time." Barba
said softly, but sternly.
***** “No. No, no on ever knew a thing.” *****
Chapter Notes
     First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who has read this story,
     commented, bookmarked, etc. I am so happy that you are enjoying it.
     Second, I am so sorry that it took me so long to update; a mixture of
     school work, writers block, and sadness over the latest SVU episode
     has made it difficult to update, but I am continuing the story! It's
     not on hiatus and I'm not abandoning it, it just may take me time to
     write a chapter that I think is good and long enough to publish.
     Also, I apologize for this chapter being so short. I just wanted to
     update so you all know I was still working on this. And lastly, if
     you have any ideas for the story, or anything you think I should add
     or consider adding, PLEASE let me know!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Back_to_modern_day
 
Carisi was shaking, pissed off, and mortified. 
"No! No, that is NOT what happened!" He said, his voice raised, and sounding
panicked and out of breath. 
Olivia tried to interject to get him to calm down. 
"I did NOT have a...a RELATIONSHIP with him! That's NOT what happened!" 
Olivia raised both her hands and her voice to try and get through to him and
quiet both him and his worries. 
She knew how common it was for boys who had experienced abuse to get extremely
upset at the suggestion that they might be gay or had been a willing
participant in what had happened to them. 
 "Carisi, neither of us think that you two were in a relationship. We know the
rationalization that abusers use to make what they did seem okay. We know what
he did to you was wrong, it doesn't matter what he said."
"I will make sure that he goes to prison for this, for a very long time." Barba
said softly, but sternly.
-----------------------------
It took about half an hour for Carisi to fully calm down. Barba had had to run
off somewhere, leaving Olivia alone to work through some paperwork with Carisi.
He seemed exhausted, so Olivia ended their meeting early.
“How about we call it a day and finish this later?” She suggested.
Carisi sighed and nodded.
“Also, I think you should take a few days off. This whole process is a lot to
handle. I can give you some information on support groups and therap-“
“I can’t take time off, we’re short handed, and what would you tell everyone?”
Carisi asked anxiously.
Olivia gave him a look of sympathy, which Carisi resented a little, but
understood.
“Carisi, its fine. Your mental health is far more important to me.”
“Well Rollins and Fin are going to want to know why-“
Olivia stopped him there.
“I will think of something.”
Carisi felt concerned, but eventually nodded.
“… Okay.”
 
THE NEXT DAY
Carisi could barely remember how he had made it home – he knew he took the
train and walked, but he could not distinctly remember anything specific about
his commute, like who had sat next to him, whether he had to wait at a stop
light, if he had to wait for the elevator… That night hadn’t been much easier;
Carisi had been tossing and turning for hours, and finally decided to just get
up for the day around 7am.
He had spent a few hours cleaning his apartment, and now was sitting, numbed,
in front of the TV, watching… something, he didn’t really know what. He
couldn’t focus. Then he heard his phone buzz and checked it; he was surprised
to see a text from Rollins, asking if he wanted Jessie and her to come over
later and keep him company. He texted her back, “Sure, I’d like that,” and an
hour later she was knocking at his door.
“Hey, Amanda. Hi Jessie!” He said, greeting the two as he opened the door, and
leaning down a little to smile at Jessie, who was snuggled in Rollins’ arms.
“Hi.” She replied, giving Carisi a one-armed hug.
He took Jessie from her so that she could put her stuff down, and they made
their way to the living room to sit down.
“So, the Lieutenant says that you’re on leave? What happened?” Rollins asked,
with concern.
Carisi swallowed nervously but tried not to show her that he was feeling that
way.
He nodded.
“Y-yeah, it’s fine. It’s nothing, really. Everything’s fine.”
Rollins’ eyebrows raised; she clearly wasn’t buying it.
“Does this have anything to do with the meeting you had with Barba the other
day?”
Carisi’s brows furrowed.
“Wait… why do you know about that?” He replied, his anxiety building.
“Does she know? How could she know?” He thought.
Rollins seemed confused.
“You told me, remember? The other day, you said you had to meet with him after
work…”
It took him a second, but then Carisi remembered. He had felt so nervous
beforehand, it was impossible for Rollins not to notice, and impossible for him
to lie about it.
“Oh! Y-yeah, yeah. It was fine, it went fine.”
She still had that look on her face, like she was not buying it.  
Carisi sighed and, thinking fast, told her the truth (or at least a small part
of it).
“Fine. I had to talk to Barba because I went to that high school as a kid. I
wanted to know if it’d be a conflict of interest.”
Rollins’ eyes got big.
“Wait, you went to that high school?!”
Carisi nodded.
“Y-yeah. All four years.”
“Did this guy teach while you were going there?”
“Um…” he swallowed before continuing, wondering exactly how much he wanted to
tell her.
“Yeah, he did.”
Rollins frowned with concern.
His knee started jiggling nervously, and to try and make it seem intentional he
moved Jesse to over, as if he was bouncing her for fun.
“Wait, did you have him as a teacher?”
Carisi was feeling very uncomfortable with the direction this conversation had
taken. 
It took him a few moments to answer, trying to figure out exactly what to say
and how to say it. It sounds silly, why didn’t he just tell her the truth? She
would probably find out soon anyways, with the upcoming trial. He stared at
Jesse while he answered.
“Yeah, I had him for science in tenth grade.”
“Did you ever hear anything about him? Were there rumours about what he was
doing?”
Carisi shook his head.
“No. No, no on ever knew a thing.”
Chapter End Notes
     Side note: this will not be a Rollisi story.
***** “I’m fine. How was court?” *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU so much everyone for continuing to
     read this story and for being patient with me while I update. I do
     apologize for taking so long to update, but writers block and school
     have gotten in the way. I'll be finishing the semester soon though,
     and hopefully I'll be able to update more now then, especially now
     that I have an idea of where this story will go. Anyways, thank you
     again!
“Wait, did you have him as a teacher?” Rollins asked, in a voice that was
either alarmed or curiosity, Carisi wasn’t sure.
Carisi was feeling uncomfortable with the direction this conversation had
taken.
It took him a few moments to answer, trying to figure out exactly what to say
and how to say it. It sounds silly, why didn’t he just tell her the truth? She
would probably find out soon anyways, with the upcoming trial. He stared at
Jesse while he answered.
“Yeah, I had him for science in tenth grade.”
“Did you ever hear anything about him? Were there rumours about what he was
doing?”
Carisi shook his head.
“No. No, no on ever knew a thing.”
----------------------------------------------------
Rollins, and Jessie, had hung out at Carisi’s house, watching movies and
ordering in takeout, until the late evening. After cleaning up the dinner
dishes and putting the leftovers in the fridge, Carisi decided to shower before
turning in for the night.
He got into the shower, leaning his hand against the wall directly underneath
the showerhead, allowing the steaming hot water to run over his head, neck, and
shoulders. He felt some of the tension in his shoulders being released and took
a long, deep breath. He stood there, underneath the water, for a lot longer
than he needed to, allowing himself to think about everything that had happened
over the last two days. He never thought that he’d be in this situation… never
thought that he’d tell anyone he worked with, never thought he’d be going to
court. The Lieutenant was right about this being a lot to process (not that he
doubted her, or didn’t tell… survivors the same thing – would he ever get used
to referring to himself as a survivor?) Afterwards he towelled himself dry and
headed off to bed.
Flashback_to_Fifteen-Year_Old_Dominick_Carisi
Dominick had started to get used to this… he knew exactly what to do once his
teacher locked the classroom door, knew exactly how to behave, and how to do
the things Mr. Weber expected of him (“C’mon now Dominick, you know how I like
it. That’s it… that’s my good boy…”) He knew that his teacher didn’t like it
when he put up a fuss or tried to push him away; when he did, Mr. Weber was
rougher, more forceful, and Dominick was often left with bruises on his arms,
hips, and thighs (“Ow, stop! Y-you’re hurting me!” “Well I wouldn’t have to
hurt you if you had just done as you were told!”)
Today had started out no different than any of their other “tutoring” sessions
over the last several months. He had finished… doing what he’d been doing, when
the older man wrapped his arms around him from behind, his mouth close to
Dominick’s ear.
“I have a gift for you…” Mr. Weber said in a rough, husky voice.
Dominick squirmed in his teacher’s arms; he really didn’t like the way that
that sounded… and besides, he didn’t want anything from this man.
“I-I have to get h-home…” he said, trying his best to keep his voice steady.
“It won’t take long, and I know you’ll love it.” His teacher replied, arms
tightening around Dominick as he kissed behind the young boy’s ear.
After a few seconds (which felt like several long minutes to Dominick) Mr.
Weber pulled away and turned Dominick around.
“Drop your pants and underwear, and get one the desk.”
Dominick was shaking. He knew what was coming… he didn’t want to do it, but he
was too scared of what would happen if he didn’t listen… so he did what he had
to.
Even though it was a long time ago, he still vividly remembered how cold the
desk had felt on his skin… how he had gripped the edge of the desk tightly in
fear, closed his eyes and tried to force his mind and imagination elsewhere… he
willed himself to be anywhere other than there, in that room.
But the pain that he had anticipated never came, and instead his senses were
engulfed in warmth, and his eyes flew open in shock.
“W-what are you doing?!”
“Shh, it’s okay Dominick. I just want to make you feel as good as you make me
feel…” his teacher answered huskily, putting his hand on Dominick’s chest and
pushing his body back down onto the desk.
 
Back_to_modern_day
 
Carisi jolted awake, breathing heavily. He was completely drenched in sweat, as
were his bedsheets. He was overcome with nausea and had to rush to the
adjoining bathroom; afterwards he sat there, wedged between the toilet and the
bathroom wall, knees against his chest. He realized that he was shaking when he
went to rub his face with his hands, as if to scrub away the nightmare.
Eventually he calmed down enough to get up, change his clothes and his bed
sheets, before climbing back into bed and, despite the ordeal he’d just
experienced, fell back to sleep quickly due to his mental exhaustion.
 
-------------------------
 
Carisi was awakened a few hours later by the sound of his phone ringing.
Through groggy eyes he sat up, grabbed his phone, and glanced at the caller ID.
It was Barba, and he sighed before picking up.
“Hello?” He answered, his voice still thick with sleep.
“Oh, did I wake you?” Barba said apologetically.
“S’ok. What can I do for you, counsellor?”
“I was hoping to meet with you, today, to go over some things…”  
“… Ok. What time?” Carisi replied, craning his neck to look at the time on his
alarm clock, which displayed 8:13AM in bright red numbers.
“I’m due in court at nine, could you meet me outside the courthouse at eleven-
thirty? I’m sure Olivia would be fine with you leaving for a few hours.”
“Oh, she told me to take a few days off, so that’s fine. I’ll be there.”
“Oh, okay… Okay, I’ll see you later.”
They both mumbled goodbye before hanging up, and then Carisi lay back down in
bed, sighing again.
 
-----------------------------------------------
Carisi decided that since he wasn’t actually working that he would wear more
casual clothes to his meeting with Barba: jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie. He’d
taken the subway and stopped at a coffee cart outside the courthouse, facing
away from the grand building. He sat on a bench and drank his coffee while he
waited for Barba. It was a brisk morning, but the coffee was keeping him and
his hands warm, so he didn’t mind. After waiting a few minutes, he’d spotted
the older lawyer walking towards him, and stood up to meet him.
 
“Hey, how are you doing?” Barba asked.
Carisi gave him a small, but tight, smile.
“I’m fine. How was court?”
Barba frowned.
“It was fine. How are you, really?”
Carisi sighed and took a few moments before shaking his head and answering.
“I don’t know. Fine right now…”
Barba nodded understandingly.
“Well… this is part of why I wanted to meet with you. Another boy came forward,
and I would like it if you could talk with him.”
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