Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5543762.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Character:
      Sam_Winchester, Original_Female_Character(s)
  Additional Tags:
      Mindfuck, Dubious_Consent, Soulless_Sam_Winchester, Light_Bondage,
      Underage_Sex, Rimming, Self-Destruction, Vaginal_Fingering, Finger
      Sucking
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-12-26 Updated: 2017-05-16 Chapters: 5/? Words: 7437
****** I can watch you feel ******
by in_thrall
Summary
     WIP. Back from hell with no soul, Sam doesn't feel anything but is
     fascinated watching the fear, panic, and desire play out on the faces
     of the women he picks up. He can almost remember what it felt like.
***** In the Middle of it *****
Alana felt the gag tighten behind her head and pull at the sides of her mouth.
She let out a moan to test it and was surprised at how loud it sounded. Sam
hunched down and peered into her eyes, as though he was looking through a key
hole. “Say that again.”
“waaach?” She responded, able to make it almost recognizable around the black
rubber ball.
“Go ahead and talk. Scream if you need to. It isn’t supposed to keep you quiet,
it’s just so goddamned pretty. And it’ll give you something else to think
about.” Her gut clenched with nerves rather than heat. She realized bravado may
have gotten her in over her head this time. Eyes darting around the hotel room
she was looking for the best escape route. Sam was huge and solid. She had no
illusions about being able to overpower him but a quick low push would
unbalance him and she could make it to the door. Probably.
He recognized the panic on her face and acted before she could turn thought
into action. Pinning both hands above her head in one of his and pushing her
back in the chair. His legs straddled hers squeezing together at the knees.
Alana might as well have been tied to the chair but she twisted and pulled her
feet scraping franticly against the worn carpet. Sam used his free hand to snap
twice in front of her face. Drawing her attention back to make eye contact.
“Hey, are you backing out on me?” brows arched in question. Sam opened his hand
slowly and released her wrists. He relaxed the grip of his legs on her knees
and took a step back, then knelt down to eye level and sat back on his heels.
He did that odd keyhole peeping look again. Like he was trying to see past her
eyes into her head.
“If you made a mistake coming here with me, you can go. I won’t try to stop
you. This is… I’m not looking for jail time ok? His posture looked completely
relaxed only his eyes still, earnest and genuine if a little cold. Alana let
out a relieved breath, her shoulders dropping as the adrenaline worked its way
out of her blood stream. In that moment Sam knew he had her. No matter what
else passed that night she wouldn’t try to run. She believed the choice really
was her own. Believed she could have turned down the drink he first offered
her. Believed she could have stayed with her friends at the tap room. Believed
she could have walked away, gone home to her own bed after he kissed her in the
Krispy Kreme parking lot and she tasted the sugar glaze still on his mouth. A
wide open mouthed smile split his face then, chin jutting forward like a snake
trying to unhinge its jaw. Nothing short of predatory. Alana recognized it on a
subconscious level but it really was too late. Something in the tilt of his
head was hypnotic. She was frozen in that place between fight and flight. She
was in way too deep this time. In all honesty exactly where she wanted to be.
Before dawn in the silent hour when all the late night revels were ended and
the first early shift workers were just rising, Alana wove her way back to her
car. Small careful steps across uneven worn out asphalt. Taking furtive looks
around the glass littered lot behind the only authentically seedy motel in her
sleepy little town. Sitting on the cold cloth seat shaking in her coat both
from cold and over raw emotion. She waited for the windows to defrost. The
night, Sam, all of it was too much to think about yet. She didn’t try to think.
She angled the rear view mirror down and looked into her eyes. They were the
same as this morning. Same color aqua, same large oval shape, her father’s
eyes. She thought of her father and laughed a little hysterically at what he
would think of this. She was decidedly not daddy’s little girl. Sex was one
thing, this was something else. Still she couldn’t think too closely about it.
Just skim along the edges and remind herself to relax her stomach, unclench,
and breathe. The car was heating up now and she was shaking less. Alana put the
car in drive and made a wide sloppy circle out of the lot.
“No permanent marks” he’d said that. He wouldn’t leave any permanent marks and
he hadn’t, more or less. Her right leg was going to be a mess. In the shower
before school, she cataloged the little mementos Sam left her. Trophies hard
earned and her only proof it had been real.
“Needed a break from driving” He said. “Only here for the night.” He said
It must have been real. The bite marks were real, purple now almost black. Down
the outside of her right calf three of them in a pyramid shape. She remembered
screaming and jerking away when he bit her. It was so hard the pain cut through
the pleasure. Sam was holding her right leg up in the air by the ankle while
she lay on her left side. He rocked into her, filling her up and hitting what
felt like her back bone. She was off balance from having her hips suspended in
the air. She couldn’t move to set or match his rhythm. The angle let him get
very deep without hitting her cervix and causing any pain. Sam would stroke
slowly up and down her clit. Slowly and out of rhythm with his thrusting. Her
build up to climax took no time. Only a stoke or two away and Sam bit down on
her calf so hard it ripped the pleasure completely away. She was hurt and angry
and afraid all at the same time. The scream was from the pain alone. He did it
three times. There were three bite marks. Three times. Alana could only
remember it happening once.
Her nipples were raw, the left one starting to scab over already. She was
surprised they were so abused looking. That hadn’t hurt at all. He was never
rough with her breasts. He started there and never strayed far though. Kept
coming back to them all night. That was the part she would share with her
friends between classes later on today. How that giant god like creature they
had seen her leave with last night had made her come with only his fingers on
her nipples and his voice in her ear. That was the only part of the story she
thought didn’t make her sound damaged, didn’t make her sound like some kind of
freak.
Sitting on the edge of the bed in full view of the dresser mirror. Sam had her
nestled between his legs her back fitted against his chest. He ran his hands
around her waist fingers just skimming under the edge of her shirt. “I’m going
to make you come and you’re going to watch.” When he made eye contact in the
mirror she couldn’t look away. She would later describe it as being meaningful
and feeling like a deep connection. Her friends would sigh and moan and repeat
it to their friends and she would become legend at Wilson High school. But what
she really felt at the time was embarrassment and anger and a little bit of
fear.
He stripped off her shirt and dropped it by their feet. Then he ran his index
fingers under the wires of her bra cups, tracing the little ridges left on her
skin. He pushed her bra up until it was tightly twisted up underneath her
armpits and hooked his chin over her shoulder for an unobstructed view. Sam
held her breasts cupped in each hand. His thumbs rubbed lightly back and forth
across her nipples. He was moving slower than Alana wanted and she tried
arching her back to make that point but it didn’t change his pace. He started
talking again and it was terrifying.
He didn’t purr or whisper or sound at all like a porn film. He spoke
conversationally as if talking to a bank teller.
“Look at what I’m doing to you. Watch my hands or watch my eyes. Don’t look
away. See how small you look in my hands. See how awkward your arms are
sticking out while you try to hold them up. You can’t relax them because it
would make your shoulders look slumped and you are trying so hard to look the
way you think sexy is supposed to look. Sitting up so straight, making sure to
keep your toes pointed. Look at your mouth, the way your lips are twitching.
You’re trying to get them closed around the ball even though you can’t.”
He moved one hand to wipe away a line of drool working its way down her chin.
“That’s making you self-conscious isn’t it” he rubbed the spit over her nipple
and repeated the same with his other hand. You want to grab onto my arms and
see if they are as hard as they look. But you don’t know if you should. That
would be intimate, so forward. Go ahead you can touch me. You have my
permission.”
Alana blushed because he was right. She was trying to put on a good show.
Trying to look wanton and abandoned without really knowing how to feel it. He
noticed the blush too.
“Oh now you blush.” His voice finally took on some life but it was mocking.
“You didn’t blush when you pushed your tits into my back at the bar. It was a
great move by the way. Just enough pressure to let me feel them but not too
much. You were only trying to nudge in and get a beer after all. You weren’t
trying to get my attention.” Little sparks of anger started to bloom in her
expression. He was taunting her and still kept the slow even stokes across her
nipples. It was distracting and somehow adding to her irritation. She started
twisting unconsciously away from his hands. Sam was getting the reaction he
wanted and kept going. “You really are young. I placed you at about 19 at the
bar but you aren’t are you? Your friends were both older.” Alana shook her
head. “You’re still a kid. You have no idea what you’re doing do you? Too late
now I guess” Getting angry and embarrassed at being caught in her own bullshit,
Alana was off guard when the tempo on her nipples sped up. She moaned in
surprise then gasped and convulsed forward, her knees drawing up and legs
shaking. She came fast and sharp and shallow. Not like getting herself off at
all. This didn’t feel sating. This felt like someone turned the volume up on
and amazing song but not nearly loud enough.
That’s exactly how she described it to Steph and Valarie the next afternoon.
Sitting in the dorm room her two best friends shared.
“Jesus Fuck!” Valarie blurted. She had a way with words.
Steph was more considered, the mother figure of the group she thought for a
while before asking
“Will you see him again do you think?”
“I really don’t think so. I don’t have his number and I didn’t give him my
number so yeah I think that’s it.”
“What a shame, I might cry about it and I’m not even the one who fucked him.”
Her tone was bratty and petty dripping with disdain.
“Valarie!” they both chided at once.
“What! He was hot. Premium grade ‘A’ hot, I still don’t know how you managed to
pick him up.”
“Fuck you too” Alana flipped her friend off.
“That wasn’t a dig” Valarie went on. “We all know Lana is a luscious little
lollypop and can pick any boy she wants at school and most of the ones on
campus. But that man was at least 30 and GQ fucking beautiful. There were three
other women last night I saw try to talk to him and get brushed off but he came
to our table and bought you a drink. And yeah I’m jealous as hell. I don’t know
how the fuck you always do it. Steph and I are just as pretty as you but you
always get hit on first.”
“I don’t know why either.” Alana was verging on tears. She had almost no sleep
last night and was emotionally raw.
Valarie shrugged gathering up her keys and books. “I’ve got to go work” she
headed out with a dismissive wave over her shoulder.
Steph let the silence settle in for a bit giving Alana time to pull back the
tears. “You know she loves you. She doesn’t want to see you hurt.”
“I know but why is she so jealous, she doesn’t even like men. She only ever
dates women now. She didn’t seem interested in Sam last night. Was she? Did I
miss it?”
“No its not jealousy she just loves you.”
Even though Steph was telling her the exact and perfect truth Alana didn’t
understand. She couldn’t let herself know it yet. She couldn’t comprehend one
of her best friends was in love with her. Steph saw it and didn’t push the
issue. There was something more pressing on her mind anyway.
“What are you not telling us about last night?”
Alana knew there was no point in denying it. Steph always knew when either of
the others was lying. It was going to be a relief to tell someone anyway. “You
can’t tell Valarie. You know how she is about men and consent and you can’t
tell her.”
“Did he rape you?”
“God no! The whole reason I left with him was for sex.” Alana paused and
searched for the words. “I said yes, out loud, every time he asked me if I
wanted something I said yes but I didn’t really want to do some of it. There’s
a line from a movie I kept running over in my head the whole time before I left
with him. What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof? Just staying on it I
guess, as long as she can. It’s about wanting something you shouldn’t and both
wanting people to stop you and not wanting them to at the same time. Or that’s
what it feels like. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.
***** Afterwards *****
Chapter Summary
     We see how Shay is coping after her single night with Sam
To Alana the world was speaking in a mumble; indistinct and not worth listening
to anyway. When she spoke of it, which was rare because it usually ended in a
fight with Valarie, She referred to it only as that night. When she was feeling
self-indulgent, Alana would say his name aloud to herself. “Sam.” Those nights
she would drag out the memory from where she kept it wadded up in a tight ball
on a back shelf. She would pour over every detail she could conjure back into
existence. He smelled like hot running water, which made no logical sense but
she couldn’t describe it any other way. His eyes iridescent like mother of
pearl but she knew that had to be a trick of memory and berated herself for the
hazy places she couldn’t recall.
She had grown increasingly reckless in the four months since. Skipping the tap
room Steph and Valarie hung around on the edge of campus more and more often.
She favored a sports bar on the east side, Scooter’s. It catered to a blue
collar crowd, not a dive exactly but not far off. Her cousin Ted tended bar
there part time so no one asked questions about her age. Alana flirted some in
the beginning and had two parking lot hookups. Neither of which was worth the
effort of repeating. Mostly she drank and played pool, becoming very good at
both. She felt a l whole lot of empty and restless. The drinking helped with
the first and the Pool took care of the second. Outside Scooter’s bare trees
turned to buds then full green. Days grew longer nights lost their cold bite.
Alana saw none of it, her days were black and white.
***** Together Again *****
The first Monday of Spring break Steph showed up on her porch and talked Alana
into a girl’s day shopping at the outlet mall. Talked her into it was less
accurate than put her in the car while Alana was too hung over to protest but
the result was the same. Even though the three of them had not all been
together in close to a month. The tension melted as the day wore on and Alana
felt a lightness of spirit she didn’t know she had been missing. It was easy
after that to fall back into the three musketeer closeness they had shared
since childhood. Alana had the resilience of youth on her side after all and
friends who were more like sisters.
Even though she was two years older, Steph had been Alana’s best friend since
second grade. Steph’s parents divorced and her mother had moved into the
apartment next door to the one Alana shared with her grandmother. When
Valarie’s parents bought the old Victorian across the street two year later she
joined the gang. Three only children, they chose each other as sisters, loved
and fought just as fiercely. Alana hadn’t realized how empty she felt until she
was filled back up with the two of them in her life. The rough edges started to
dull. Alana didn’t have to take out the memories and leaf through them. She
didn’t have to whisper a name to herself anymore or scan crowds looking for his
face. She could let it alone and laugh and shop and think about the upcoming
spring.
April was bordering on hot this year. Warm enough that Alana could layer a pair
of skimpy tanks tops and skip a bra. The patio was open again at their favorite
haunt. The girls were enjoying fresh air outside in between games of pool.
Looking over upcoming concerts on their phones and debating which ones they
wanted to try and see in the coming weeks. The only good part of Alana’s wild
rumpus, as Valarie called it, was her awesome pool game. The three of them had
a blast hustling ten and twenty dollar games. Never anything high stakes but
they supplemented their beer and pizza money nicely at the expense of
unsuspecting frat boys. The real fun was watching jaws drop when Alana could
pull off a run of three or four shots in a row to win. She was still improving
and it was hard for the others to keep a straight face some nights.
They had just taken twenty off a pair of engineering grad students and were
finishing up a pitcher outside when Steph suddenly wanted to leave.
“I’m not feeling great all of a sudden. Do you care if we take it back to the
room?”
“It’s only ten” Valarie pouted. “You can go back but I don’t have anything due
until Wednesday and I’m going the distance tonight.”
Steph got a tight look on her face and got up to get the next round.
“Do you think she’s really sick?” Alana asked “I’ll walk her back you can
stay.”
“No let’s order some wings and see if that helps. She probably forgot to eat
again and her blood sugar is low.” Alana agreed and they flagged down a
waitress. After the pitcher and the wings Steph agreed to one last game of pool
so the three headed back inside.
One of the three tables was just opening up so they didn’t have to wait long.
Alana was feeling a warm hum from the beer and was in the mood to show off.
They didn’t have to worry about trying to win any bets so she didn’t hold back.
Her first turn Alana sank three. Valarie hit one on her turn. Their competition
managed to sink only one each. Her next turn Alana sank three and was going for
the eight ball. She leaned low across the table making a show of bending at the
waist with her legs apart. She was particularly proud of the way her ass looked
in these in jeans. She noticed Steph and Valarie across the table looking not
quite right. Steph was staring straight ahead looking sick again and Valarie
mouthed the word fuck in slow motion. She thought her top might be gaping open
a little too much and peeked down to check when she felt someone step up flush
against her ass. A hand slapped a fifty down on the table just inside her view
and an impossible voice said “I’ve got next.”
Tomorrow Steph would ask her “How did you hold it together to make that shot?
How did you not freak out?” and Alana would not have an answer. The truth was
muscle memory. The practiced ease she had developed let her line up and shoot
without having to think about it. She was that skilled now. And in a way she
owed the skill to Sam.
Alana sank the eight, stood up and stepped forward breaking the contact between
her ass and the front of Sam’s leg. Naturally he hadn’t moved back after
putting the money on the table. Personal space didn’t seem to be a concept he
cared about. Alana turned and looked up and up and up. Standing so close she
had to tilt her head back to make eye contact with him. She folder her arms and
realized too late it forced her breasts together and that he could see directly
down her shirt from this angle. “Not helping” she thought.
“Pretty good game. I didn’t know you could play”
“You don’t know anything about me.”
Sam leaned down so he wouldn’t have to shout over the music and bar noise.
“That’s not true. I know you hold your breath right before you come.”
A shiver ran up her spine and short circuited her brain for a moment. Alana had
nothing but a dumbfounded look to give back.
“How about the game? Fifty for best of three.”
That penetrated her daze and she narrowed her eyes. “I haven’t seen you play.
That’s a suckers bet.” That drew a smirk and raised brow from him. Honestly the
most expression she had seen on his face. “Fair enough. One game then, loser
buys the next round. I’ll rack you break.” He didn’t give her a chance to
answer but started racking the balls.
Steph and Valarie had been in a bit of a daze themselves watching from across
the table. They came around at the break in the conversation. “Let’s get out of
here. Steph you go pay the tab” Valarie said taking Alana’s arm.
“I’m going to play him.”
“The hell you are, we’re leaving.” Valarie was getting more angry by the
second. Alana brushed off Valarie’s hand.
“You don’t have to do this Lana, I’ll go get the tab, you and Val go. I’ll
catch up.”
“Yeah I really do. I’m going to kick his ass then I’m going to go throw up in
the bathroom.”
Alana ducked out of her friends grip a second time and went to line up her
break. She sank two on the break one solid one stripe and chose solid. She made
her next three shots then scratched on the fourth. A pretty good run. Sam
cleared the table in his one and only turn. Pausing to make eye contact after
every ball. He put his cue away and asked without any hint of gloating. “What
are we drinking?”
Alana flagged down a passing waitress ordered two shots of Jamison’s while
Steph and Valarie shared an awkward silence with Sam that he didn’t seem to
mind. In fact he didn’t seem to notice the other two women standing there at
all. When she arrived back Sam took his glass and raised it to her. She did the
same and they drank in unison. He placed his glass gently on a nearby table and
said thanks for the game. Then walked toward the bar and took an empty stool.
The three women stood in disbelief before Steph finally said “well, that’s it
then. Shall we go?”
“No” replied Alana. “Let’s get a table outside and have one last beer. He
doesn’t get to chase me out of my bar.”
“Amen Sister!” Valarie agreed.
The lack of conversation wasn’t uncomfortable each of the three women was
uneasily running through her own internal dialog. Valarie’s was a cycle of
jealousy and venom while Steph was jittery with concern for both of the other
women’s obvious distress. Alana was just trying to get to the bottom of her
beer for its numbing effect. Being the most adult of the three Steph spoke up.
“Did you have any warning he was going to show up? Had he called or anything?”
“No. I thought for a few weeks he might show up again but then I didn’t, you
know. I really thought he was gone and that was it. I never gave him my number.
I don’t even know his last name.
“What the fuck!” Valarie almost screamed. “You let him beat the shit out of you
and you don’t even know his last name.”
“I can’t do this right now.” Alana got up abruptly and headed back inside from
the patio. Valarie followed, afraid she was going to seek out the man and….well
she didn’t know what but she wanted to prevent it. Alana walked past the bar
straight for the bathroom. Valarie stopped trailing her and returned to their
table.
***** Let's get out of here *****
Alana was swaying a little. Her hand braced outside the one tiny stall in the
room trying to unbuckle her stubborn belt with one hand. She had a good buzz
and was planning to walk back to the dorm with her friends rather than drive
home. That had always been the plan, her grandmother expected it most weekends
and didn’t’ wait up. Hearing someone come into the bathroom behind her, Alana
called out “hey somebody in here. Just a minute.” She heard the lock click and
turned around to be a little more emphatic about her place in line. Sam was
leaning against the seam of the door his hand still on the bolt. Her buzz and
emotional exhaustion did the talking for her. “Do you mind? I really have to
pee right now!”
“No I don’t mind. Go ahead.”
“I don’t want you to watch me and I’m really about to pee in my pants”
Sam reached over and flipped off the light. Alana was drunk enough to decide
that was a rational solution to the problem and fumbled her way into the stall
and let out a happy drunken sigh at finally making it to the toilet. She found
the handle by touch and fastened up her pants and belt. She took slow small
steps in the direction of the door with hands outstretched. When the tips of
her fingers met chest instead of door or wall she stopped with her hand resting
flat on his stomach. He trailed a hand up her arm to find her shoulder then
down to her waist. Once he had his bearings of where her body was both hands
curled around her hips and pulled her flush against him. His mouth came down
slightly off center in an open wet kiss she returned with a whine. Every pent
up feeling making her dizzy. Sam pulled back and held her firmly by the hips.
“I take it you do want to leave with me then.”
She mumbled and tried to explain about Valarie and Steph and complicated
friendship obligations but the words were disjointed even to her own ears. Sam
didn’t have the same problem.
“I’m leaving now. Your friends will see me go. You can go say goodbye and take
your time. Meet me at your car in fifteen minutes.” With that he flipped the
light back on and was out the door before Alana’s eyes adjusted to the light
again.
She stood blinking in the florescent glare. Drunk and giddy and hopped up on
adrenaline. “Get it together. You can do this. Just be cool. Be cool.”
Alana was amazed, astounded really at how easy it had been to lie to her
friends. “I’m over it” she said. “I want to go to bed and forget tonight
happened. I’m good to drive. Call you tomorrow.” Easy and out the door she
went. Down the block under the express way to the dirt lot where you could park
for free. She could see him sitting on the hood of her car lanky and angled all
knees and elbows and shoulders. It took so much effort not to rush. In the end
being sixteen won out over being casual and collected. Alana took off at a dead
run ending in a beautiful sideways drift-stop directly in front of Sam. It was
a thing of beauty. She imagined how it would look as a scene in a movie. A
toothy smile of pure joy lit her up. The little gap between her front teeth
forgotten. So full of everything she didn’t have room for the usual self-
consciousness “Where are we going?” she almost beamed.
“I don’t guess you have your own place?”
“No”
“Then we’re going on an adventure. Come on”
He led the way to a black sports car of some kind, Alana didn’t know cars but
she could tell this one was fast and not in a flashy way. It suited him.
They drove out of town heading east towards the mountains, exited the
interstate and wound through back roads for half an hour. Finally ending at an
old farm house with no windows and the front porch half gone.
Inside it was obvious Sam had been staying here for a few days at least. On one
small table sat a camping lantern Sam turned on when they entered. Several
empty take out boxes of Chinese food were stuffed in a shopping bag next to the
lamp. There was a sleeping bag on a pad with several beer bottles lined up
neatly by the wall “Are you squatting here?” Alana asked with excitement in her
voice.
“For a few days. I had work nearby and it doesn’t always pay well.”
“What do you do?”
“Contract work. Freelance mostly I choose my own jobs.”
People very often see and hear only what they want to see and hear. What Alana
heard was construction. She got an image of specialized wood work for expensive
custom houses and didn’t need to probe further
“This is silly. Come here.”
Alana crossed the few feet and Sam hoisted her up to wrap her legs around his
waist and arms around his neck. He held her effortlessly and began sucking and
biting gently at her lower lip. She was holding her whole body tense in
anticipation, bracing for when the little nips would turn hard. “Relax. I’m not
going to hurt you.” When she didn’t relax Sam put her down and gave her his
full unnerving attention. Not like mother of pearl she though. More like
dragonfly wings, Amber brown with green over the top.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” He repeated
“That’s what you said last time”
“Last time I said no permanent marks and you don’t have any do you?”
“No.”
“Take a breath and believe me. I’m not going to hurt you. Unless you ask me
to.”
“Why is this different? Isn’t that what you like, hurting me.”
“I like a lot of things and tonight I want something else. Do you have to be
back any time tonight?”
“No, not until around lunch tomorrow.”
Sam brought his hands up to cup her face on both sides and held her eyes for
longer than felt comfortable. Alana feel like dessert, like she was about to be
devoured again. With nothing pressing to ask she stopped talking and waited.
Years later, as an adult, she would cringe at the memory. How painfully awkward
she had been, how naïve and compliant. Tonight she was just a girl waiting for
the adult in the room to decide what was going to happen next.
It was like a different person had shown up wearing the same face from months
ago. Every warm, languid stroke of fingers and lips was drawn out and
unhurried. Needing muscles like bread dough and the controlled even breathing
of a moving meditation hot against her skin. Maybe hours passed or maybe years.
Sam took her apart and put her back together again as something new.
Sometime near full daylight and near sleep Alana found the thing she had been
looking for. In the months between meeting him for the first time and now she
had gone looking for words. The right string of adjectives to frame what she
had wanted when she said yes to the hurting. The right turn of phrase to
explain why she didn’t fight and run. Certain if she could find the words to
name it she could get free from wanting it again. Now finding the words she was
certain she would never be free, never stop wanting it. “I’m alive right now.
I’m living this not just existing through it.”
***** The hits just keep coming *****
Chapter Summary
     Alana didn't get much sleep last night and is pretty much ok with
     that.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The blow took Alana by surprise leaving her cheek numb at first.  While her
vision cleared the numbness transitioned to heat, so much heat, and a throbbing
pain in time with her heartbeat. No one had ever hit her in the face before and
she was probably more shocked from the novelty than from the punch itself.  She
wiped her hand across her wet mouth and it came away red. Her mouth was
actually bleeding. her tongue darted out to feel the split in her lip and she
winced at the sting.

“How could you! We thought he took you! We thought you were dead!” Valerie
cried. Tears and snot and red puffy patches blooming on the girl’s face. “We
thought you were dead.” She repeated spitting the words.  At that, Valerie
pushed Alana violently out of the doorway and fled down the hall out of sight.
Steph pulled her back into the dorm room and closed the door behind them before
anyone on the hall poked their heads out to see what people were yelling about
so early.

 “She hit me.” was all Alana could manage still in dumb shock from the blow.
Steph thinned her lips in a smirk and raised an eyebrow. An expression that
said “naturally she hit you, what were your expecting?” but when Alana didn’t
follow she took pity and guided her to sit on one of the twin beds, settling in
close and wrapping an arm around her friend’s shoulder.

“Look we are going to have a long talk about Val and you and your major fucking
blind spot really soon but first you are going to tell me what the hell
happened last night and you are not going to leave out one single detail.”

“what? why? you never want the gory details”

“This is different and you know it. Your history with this guy isn’t exactly
vanilla or healthy for you. After one night with him last year you went on some
kind of self destruct bender for almost six months and cut me out of your life.
We aren’t doing that again.”
Alana didn’t have it in her to argue, she was too full of energy and full of
herself and bubbling over to tell someone. She related the bathroom scene and
driving through the night to the abandoned house. She used up all the juicy
verdant adjectives in her considerable vocabulary describing Sam’s hands on her
body. She told her friend about the sunrise waking up alone after she drifted
off and being completely unafraid.  He was gone, she was in the middle of
nowhere someplace east of Strawberry  Plains with no car and a dead cell phone
but she was completely unafraid.

“He just left you there? how did you get back so fast it’s not even nine
o’clock yet?”

“He came back and this is the best part, or the strangest part, but still
really good.”  she continued with a giddy smile. “I got dressed and walked
around the house a little but it was pretty cold and I figured I had a long
walk so I headed out. Made it to the end of the driveway, maybe a quarter mile
when he came back. He says things so strangely you know, like…” she paused and
considered

“He talks to me like I’m not a person. it’s like when I’m looking for my keys
and talking to myself. where are you, where are you, oh there you are. like
that, like he is real and everyone around him isn’t.  Anyway he pulled up held
up a cup and just said “Coffee” so I get back in the car because what else am i
going to do right?”

“That's really not you Lana”

“I know but it’s like my brain turns off. He shows up and I’m all in. One
hundred percent in and along for the ride.  I thought about it walking here
after he dropped me at my car. I think it's because I know it won’t last.  This
isn’t real life it’s a little slice of something outside the rest of my life
and I can have it now or not have it, but it won’t be there again”

“Do you even hear yourself? It’s like you’re telling me about seeing a
unicorn.”

“That’s not far off. But wait this is the good part. We drove back up the
driveway and he pulled behind the house. We sat in the car drinking really bad
gas station coffee and it was capital A awkward and you know I don’t do well
with subtle so I blurted it all out...what is this? What are we doing? Are you
going to disappear again? and jeez he makes things sound so filthy in a matter
of fact way; perfectly off hand like it doesn’t matter to him at all he goes.
 ‘this is simple it’s really good fucking. I’ll be here tomorrow and probably
gone after that. anything else?’ and i was probably a little hysterical
from...well from everything and I just busted out laughing. He turns the car
off and gets out and sits on the hood so I do too and again I’m just waiting
and it’s quiet and still cold but the hood of the car is hot which is nice.
Then he says 'you have to be back for lunch' not as a question just a statement
and he hops off the car, slides up between my legs and knocks my coffee out of
my hand it goes everywhere all over the car and me.  He pulls my tank top up
over my head and rips it. Fucking rips it down the middle. Then he ties my arms
behind my back with the shirt. Not just my wrists but like up to my elbows so
my shoulders are pulled back pretty far and I can’t balance. while he’s still
tying the knot he starts talking again. ‘are you ok with this’ and I can’t say
anything again. I’m pretty thankful actually that my mouth freezes up so much
with him because every time I manage to say something it comes out as poetic as
‘I carried a watermelon’.
 Anyway now my arms are cinched pretty tight and he just lifts me up to stand
and turns me around facing the car and leans in behind me bending me down on
the hood. The engine is still hot and it’s almost too hot against my skin. I
start craning my head back to try and see him but I can’t hold the position
that long and let my forehead go down.  He follows me down and this time says
‘do you trust me?’  and I laugh and it’s not at all funny and say ‘not really’
and he laughs like it really is funny and says ‘yet here you are’.  Just like
that the car isn't’ too hot under me anymore, I’m too hot and moving around to
get out of my skin. He pressed me completely flat against the car with his body
and pulled my head up off the hood with a fist full of hair.  He has it tight
against the skin so it doesn’t hurt at all but gives him full control of my
head and if he were to let go my face would slam into the hood so I'm being
very still.
Alana slipped out of her story for a moment and began remembering. The images
so vivid she couldn’t keep the words flowing and the whole thing replayed in
her mind.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”  Sam said next to her ear. “we’ve had this
conversation before right?”
  
“Right”

“I’m not going to hurt you. But you are going to scream”

Sam placed her head back on the car hood continuing to hold her in place with a
hand between her shoulder blades. His other hand roughly unfastening her belt
and jeans and pushing them down her legs.  then both hands worked on her right
leg pulling off her shoe and freeing her from the jeans. He nudges her into a
wide stance and pusher her further up the hood so her toes are barely touching
the ground. His hands come to rest on first on the backs of Alana’s thighs just
above the backs of her knees. He slides them firmly up her legs, fingers
splayed out to the sides and his thumbs almost touching. when he reaches the
apex his thumbs begin rubbing circles around the lips of her sex spreading
wetness out along the sides and down to her clit.  Sam repositioned his hands
on both sides and pulled the globes of her ass firmly apart and started blowing
cold air across her open, wet center.  

Alana squirmed on the hood. trying to close her legs but she couldn’t get any
traction with only her toes scraping the ground.  She wasn’t really trying to
escape but the exposed feeling was so intense her body’s natural response was
to withdraw. The little keening noises coming out of her mouth sounded like a
wounded animal and she struggled to calm down when he stopped blowing.  Her
thighs twitched and shook when Sam pulled her even further apart and dragged
the flat of his tongue from her clit up through the cleft of her ass all the
way to where her hands were tied. He sucked in an index finger and let his
tongue flick at the skin between her index and middle finger for a few strokes.
Alana could feel the excess saliva running down her palm.  Releasing her finger
his mouth returned to her ass where he began licking in earnest. With
increasing pressure against the ring of muscle but never quite enough to press
inside.  Alana was panting and twisting again when he stopped suddenly and
returned to her ear
“breathe, breathe I don’t want you to pass out yet.”

He set a steady pace of slow breaths in her ear for her to follow. As as she
matched his rhythm Sam curved two fingers up into her and began dragging them
in and out in time with his breathing. her breath stuttered but she got it back
under control in a few strokes.

“keep breathing, try to stay calm as long as you can”

It wasn’t long.  He added a third finger, maybe a fourth Alana couldn’t tell.
 The stroking stopped then she was so full and stretched at that point any
movement would have too much.  still she struggled to breathe through it,
adjusting.  His mouth returned then gently licking back and forth across her
tight pink ass again. Pressing then easing off, pressing then gently sucking
before pressing again. When he pushed through the tight ring with his tongue,
pretense of trying to keep calm was gone. Alana screamed as his tongue pumped
in and out of her ass.  She kept screaming as she started to convulse and
suddenly she couldn’t hear herself screaming anymore, or see daylight because
she had passed out.
Chapter End Notes
     This whole fic went in a completely different direction than I
     intended. And I have no Idea where It's going to end up. suggestions
     are welcome because I hate to be the person with a forever
     uncompleted work.
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