Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7562146.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/F, M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Star_Wars_Episode_VII:_The_Force_Awakens_(2015)
  Relationship:
      Poe_Dameron_&_Finn, Phasma/Rey, Hux_&_Kylo_Ren, Armitage_Hux/Kylo_Ren
  Character:
      Ben_Solo_|_Kylo_Ren, Armitage_Hux, Phasma_(Star_Wars), Rey_(Star_Wars),
      Finn_(Star_Wars), Poe_Dameron, Leia_Organa, Han_Solo
  Additional Tags:
      anxiety_and_gays, Hux_wants_the_D_and_Kylo_wants_the_sweet_embrace_of
      death, everyone_is_not_hetero, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional_Hurt,
      Psychological_Trauma, Post-Traumatic_Stress_Disorder_-_PTSD, Depression,
      Anxiety_Disorder, Panic_Attacks, kylux_au, Domestic, Male-Female
      Friendship, Friends_to_Lovers, Romantic_Friendship, Sexual_Tension, Step-
      siblings, Highschool_AU, Underage_Sex, Underage_Drinking, Underage
      Kissing, Underage_Smoking, Consensual_Underage_Sex, Romantic_Comedy
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-07-23 Updated: 2017-09-16 Chapters: 7/? Words: 30300
****** I Apologize. ******
by LikaNightmare
Summary
     Kylux Highschool AU nobody asked for.
     "He would admit only to himself that it was some sort of a crush. No
     one could ever suspect that. If there was something he didn't need
     currently was to be shamed for having a crush on the school's
     quarterback."
Notes
     I'm not even sorry.
***** Chapter 1 *****
He was sitting on a bench outside waiting for his stepsister to finally show up
so he could go home and forget about how lousy was the soccer game – hopefully
before those big dark clouds decided to release all the water they were holding
up – when Kylo Ren passed in front of him. As usual, he didn't acknowledge
Hux's existence and walked away slowly being followed by the redhead’s gaze. If
he had to admit it, he could say he wanted Kylo to fuck him. All because Kylo
had such a nicely build body and strong arms and a skin that looked so soft
that he couldn't help but desire it.
 
 
He would admit only to himself that it was some sort of a crush. No one could
ever suspect that. If there was something he didn't need currently was to be
shamed for having a crush on the school's quarterback. He let his eyes linger
on Kylo's back as he left and sighed.
 
 
When Phasma showed up, Kylo was out of his sight, for what he felt very
grateful. “Come on, let's go home already.” she easily pulled him off the bench
and he didn't even complain. After all those years he was completely used to
have a much taller and much stronger girl as a sister and he was also
completely aware that complaining wouldn't help him with shit. So Hux just tag
along as she dragged him home. “So...did you got a chance to see your precious
soulmate today?” she teased. He arched one eyebrow in annoyance and she
smirked. It was always so easy to tease him about that.
 
 
“Don't start!”
 
 
She rolled her eyes and started to search her pockets for the keys. “Shit. I
think I lost it.”
 
 
“As usual.” he tossed his own keys to the blonde who opened the door right as
the rain started to fall. “Right on time.” they fell on the couch feeling too
lazy to do anything other than waste their time listening the rain to fall
down.
 
 
“How was the game today?”
 
 
There it was. The only thing he didn't want to think or talk about. He answer
with nothing but a sigh and Phasma knew it was bad. And it was indeed. It
didn't matter it was just training and it didn’t matter that nobody would
remember that latter: when the subject was competitiveness, Hux would excel on
that. And winning was something he was used and addict at. And besides he was
already a junior and he had to rely on a scholarship if he ever wanted to get
to university. He had to excel. In every aspect. He realized he was sulking for
the lack of teasing. Phasma was serious too. She knew how important it was for
him.
 
 
“You'll do better next time.” she said standing up. She stretched up and
yawned. “And we should order a pizza.” after that, the night went away on pizza
bites and channel surfing until they were full, bored and too tired to keep
themselves awake.
 
 
Morning came gray and cold and Hux cursed all the gods for the fact that he had
to get up and get ready. Rain was still pouring down and his shoes were wet
before they get to school. His mood was darker than the clouds on the sky and
people could probably see that because they were jumping out of his way when he
crossed the hall to his classroom. The only one who didn't bother to get scared
by his dark mood was Mitaka. The dark haired boy put his hands on Hux's desk
and gave a faint smile to his team captain.
 
 
“Coach Snoke said practicing is canceled for the week. All this rain is making
it impossible to play outside.” Mitaka then tossed himself on the desk beside
him and sighed.
 
 
“Championship is coming.”
 
 
“The season didn't even started, Hux.”
 
 
“Still. We got to get ready. Last year it was a hard win.”
 
 
“Loosen up, control freak.”
 
 
And he should. He knew he had to but all he could do was worry.
 
 
Phasma said the same thing at lunch. “Calm the fuck down.” she said. “There is
nothing you could do about it. Let go.” he would have rolled his eyes to her if
something didn't catch his attention first.
 
 
And by something it means Kylo Ren.
 
 
He walked in with the same numb expression he always had. It was like being
there was painful to him and at the same time that he think so highly on
himself that he believed everybody else to be undeserving of being at the same
room he was. And if Hux had to guess, he would say the later was more likely to
be truth. After all, Kylo Ren's mother was a Diplomat and he was probably used
to think normal people were unworthy of his time and presence.
 
 
For an instant, when Kylo was fixing his hair behind his ear, his eye caught
Hux's stare. But as suddenly it came, it went away. The redhead was aware of
the many stares that were piling over the dark haired boy as he sat by himself
and devoted all his attention to his phone. Later on a small figure girl that
Hux had known to be his cousin joined him with a smile. She seemed to be really
excited as she showed him a prospect and talked enthusiastically moving her
small hands in big gestures.
 
 
He discretely turned his eyes to Kylo whom now had not only the girl but
another boy as company. Them seem enthusiastic despite Kylo's apathetic face.
 
 
His cheeks turned to a shameful reddish tone when Kylo's gaze met his again. He
would want to say he sustained his look but he didn't. Like a child who was
caught doing something wrong, he looked away, embarrassed.
 
 
“Don't blush.” he said to himself. It was so pathetic. When he looked again,
the tall dark haired boy wasn't looking at him anymore.
 
 
“Hm, so she is his cousin.” he heard Phasma say but when he asked what she was
talking about, she just shrugged and kept her attention to her meal.
 
 
“Come on, say it.”
 
 
She placed her elbows on the table, run her fingers through her hair and looked
at him. “So yesterday I lost my keys again. That girl sitting with your
precious emo soulmate found them and we kind had and argument cause she had the
audacity to tell me to take better care of my stuff.”
 
 
“First. She isn't wrong.” she looked at him with ferocity in her eyes and it
amused him very much. “And secondly, stop calling him that.” to witch she just
shrugged “If someone hears you, I bet I'll get in trouble.”
 
 
“Oh, I would never let anyone beat up my tiny little brother.” He thought about
saying something and complaining about how she would always say she was the
older one when, in fact, he was two weeks older than her, but again, Phasma was
not someone easy. “And by the way” she kept saying “Nobody knows who I'm
talking about.”
 
 
Across the cafeteria, Rey sighed. “You know that girl over there?” she asked
Poe, pointing the blonde with a nod. The shorter boy looked to whom she was
pointing. “I think she's a junior too, Ben.” but the boy said nothing and
didn't give her the attention she wanted. Poe, on the other hand, looked
intensely to the blond girl.
 
 
“I think I know her.”
 
 
“Seriously?”
 
 
“Yeah.” he said “isn't she on your class, Ben?”
 
 
Shrugging, he didn't bother to give his brother an answer. He hated when the
two of them would completely dismiss his discomfort and insist to call him Ben
everywhere they went together. It wasn't like he hated his name, but being
called “Ben” left a metallic taste on his mouth that he couldn't wash away with
anything. He watched as Rey complained about the other girl to Poe and his eyes
caught the subject of such hate on the other side of the cafeteria. She was
indeed in junior year and she also was his classmate. He looked at his cousin
and she furrowed her brows. A very funny look to someone so short.
 
 
She kept going on and on about how impolite she was and how she should be
grateful for something that Kylo didn't understand what was and he didn't
really give a damn. Poe was already paying attention to her rant so she didn't
need him to listen as well. He covered his eyes with his fingers and rubbed
them softly. The scar on his face was warm and made itself very noticeable
against his fingertips. He swallowed pain down his throat in silence. Around
him, all the conversation were white noise and confusion. He could feel his
heart beating against his ribs like a bird in a cage that is desperately trying
to get out. “Oh God, please. Not this again!” he prayed in silence. But as
usual, nothing seemed to listen.
 
 
“Ben?”
 
 
His eyes shot open when Rey's cold fingers touched him. Worry flooding her
gaze, she drew circles on the back of his left hand. The three of them exchange
silent looks. Kylo realized he was shaking a little. Clearing his throat, he
got up and left without a word. Rey tried to go after him but Poe held her back
by her forearm.
 
 
“He need some time.” he said.
 
 
Away from them, Phasma elbowed Hux's arm. “Your evil prince is leaving.” he
shrugged but his eyes followed Kylo's way out until he was gone.
 
 
Outside the building, feeling the cold wind filling his lungs, Kylo felt a lot
better. The thin gelid raindrops that feel on his face also played a relaxing
part and having no one else around him left him with the calming sensation that
nobody would discover what kind of freak he was. Not that they weren't already
aware of it thanks to the ginormous brownish scar bisecting his face
diagonally. He touched it again and bit his lower lip to refrain himself to
lose it again.
 
 
He missed the rest of the school day and asked Poe to get his bag before going
home and not to tell anything to their mother. And especially not to say
anything to their father. And after that he turned off his phone, knowing too
well it wasn't a smart choice to make. He searched his pockets for cigarettes
but there was none. And he sighed. And shrugged. And there was nothing he could
do but to walk around aimlessly until all the confusion in his head was gone.
And so he did. When he walked home, night had had fallen for a couple of hours.
Leia was worried sick and Han was pissed at home, waiting for him. He listen as
his father guaranteed his mother he would let her know Kylo's whereabouts as
soon as he sat foot at home. And then Han said he loved her and they said
goodbye. He thought about going to his room without getting noticed but Han
would probably hear his door getting opened and then he would get even more
pissed.
 
 
“I'm home.” he announced and he watched Han turn around to face him. He had a
dark look on his eyes.
 
 
“Are you fucking out of you damn stupid mind, boy?”
 
 
If there was something Kylo hated more than being called by his birth name that
thing would be being called boy. Especially when his father would call him that
using his favorite tone in the world: the one that said “you did some shit and
now you are in big trouble”. He swallowed his fear and the annoying voice in
his head telling him to run away and tried to act like he was ready for a
fight.
 
 
“So now you lost your freaking tongue?”
 
“I have nothing to say.”
 
 
“Don't try and play that shit with me, Ben Solo.”
 
 
“I have nothing to say.”
 
 
Han came close and he felt a slight urge to shrink, but he held it together and
proudly sustained his father glare. “We've been looking for you for hours. Why
is it impossible to you to consider that that are people over here that worry
about you? Your mother is worried sick. Poe and Rey looked everywhere for you.
Why don't you think about the others? Why are you such a self absorbed prick?
You were irresponsible beyond any limits. You're not a child anymore, Ben Solo.
You are old enough now. You have to start acting as an adult. Your mother and I
will not be around forever for you to behave like an exigent  asshole . The
world does not revolve around you. You're not the center of everybody's life so
stop behaving like that. You care for nothing. I guess that in this dark
childish mind of yours there is no space for you to care about your family
because all you can think about it your giant ego...”
 
 
At that point, Kylo just stopped listening. He could see Han speaking and
gesturing but all he could hear was his own breathing and the voice in his
head. Inhale. Han hates him. Exhale. They all hate him. Inhale. Han hates him.
Exhale. He was a freak. Inhale. He was better dead.
 
 
“Ben?”
 
 
Han's fingers were around his wrist and he sounded worried. And gosh, how much
Kylo hated that condescending look on his face!
 
 
“Can I go to my room?”
 
 
Silence was sharp as a knife. Han's hand lost his grip and he let go of his
son. Now that he was calming down, he was already regretting all the things he
said.
 
 
“Ben...”
 
 
“I'm tired. Can I go to my room?”
 
 
“Yes.”
 
 
He left his father with the bitter taste of failure in his mouth. It didn't
matter the situation, somehow Kylo and him would never get along as well as
they did before the accident. He grabbed the phone again and called Leia.
Sitting on the top of the stairs, Kylo listened as his father explained
everything to her and he thought that maybe Han Solo was right after all. He
was self absorbed. And he was a prick. And they would all be better off without
him.
 
 
Poe's hand on his shoulder was what brought him back to reality. “You know
father get ridiculously mean when he gets worried, right?” he said, sitting
beside his adoptive brother. Kylo shrugged. “Just don't let him get to you.”
 
 
“He didn't.”
 
 
“Right...”
 
 
“I mean it.”
 
 
“I believe you.”
 
 
He hated him. He hated Poe so much when he would go full Leia on him, trying to
act all comprehensive and caring and loving when everything Kylo wanted was to
be left alone. And he hated Poe for always trying to be there and give him
comfort when every touch feels like maggots crawling under his skin.
 
 
The taller boy sighed. “I don't recall asking for your protection.”
 
 
“Alright!” the younger boy said, walking away. “You know what? It's been a very
long day and I don't have time to deal with your bullshit.”
 
 
Kylo stood there in silence as his brother walked back to his own room. Why was
it so hard for his family to understand that he needed some time alone? He
inhaled until his lung was full. And then he exhale imagining all his
frustrations and anxiety to be leaving his body just like that crappy little
list his mother had gathered for him on how to deal with anxiety. It didn't
help when you are some screw up disordered kid. He walked to his room and
opened the door to find Rey laying on his bed.
 
 
“Oh, so you're finally home.”
 
 
“Rey. No. Out. Now.”
 
 
“Okay....rude!” she complained. The skinny girl walked up to him and rest her
hand on his shoulder. “I was just worried about you. We all were.”
 
 
“I already had this conversation with Han. Just leave me alone for one sec-”
 
 
 
“I'm leaving already.”
 
 
When she was finally gone, he shut the door and put his chair against it so it
couldn't be opened from the outside. Since the accident, he didn't have the
right to have his bedroom keys for himself. Sinking on his mattress, he looked
the ceiling like the answer to his prayers were hiding behind the many layers
of band posters. And when Morpheus came to bless him with a dark dreamless
night, he accepted the gift gladly and sank into the night.
 
 
He didn't hear anything else that night. He didn't hear when Rey knocked to ask
if he was hungry. He didn't hear when Leia got home neither did he hear when
she and Han had a mild argument about the earlier events. He didn't hear his
mother calling his name outside the door and the next morning he would
pleasantly pretend not to hear his own alarm clock if it wasn't for Han
knocking on his door.
 
 
“Get up or you gonna get late!”
 
 
And he still managed to get late. When he got downstairs, Han was the only one
sitting on the kitchen. “I can give you a ride...” he offered, but Kylo refused
in the middle of his sentence.
 
 
“I'll walk.”
 
 
Walking for two blocks got him warm enough to run the last mile to the school
and he still got there before the bell ring.
 
 
Straight to his class. No talking. No looking directly into people's eyes.
 
Kylo had a small part in himself that was glad his scar gave him such a scary
look. Nobody dared to mess with him. Not that they ever did, but now he was
more feared than respected. And it suited him just fine.
 
 
He walked into his classroom with his backpack hanging from his left shoulder
and looking as annoyed as he always did. Phasma would say he had a resting
furious face and she was completely right. She only saw the problem after Kylo
walked over to her brother. Hux was sitting on a desk and using a chair as feet
support. His back were turned to the door so he didn't have a change to predict
Kylo's presence and when the taller one got by his side, he felt his stomach
sink into an ice cold pool.
 

“That's my seat. Move.”
 
 
“Ask nicely.”
 
 
No. If asked, Hux would say he had no idea how he got the nerve to react that
way. Especially because every time he sees Kylo or talk about him, he would get
extremely nervous and would find himself completely unable to talk properly.
But still, he did.
 
 
“I said move.”
 
 
“And I said ask nicely.”
 
 
They stared at each other and Phasma was divided between the reasonable part of
her that begged her to step in before her brother could be destroyed and the
other part that only asked her to stood back and watch where all that
confrontation would lead them.
 
 
“Get off my fucking seat, Ronald McDonald!”
 
 
The younger boy rolled his eyes but finally got up, standing on the chair, he
looked down on Kylo with disdain. “How old are you? Five?” he said before
jumping to the ground.
 
 
“Six and a half.” Kylo answered just as he sat down.
 
“Real mature!” he bickered. Then he turned his attention to his sister. “I see
you at lunch.” and walked away. He didn't realized he left Kylo with a soft
smirk on his face and he even if he did, he wouldn't know that that was the
first good response Kylo would show in a couple of days.
 
 
After Hux left, Kylo crossed his arms as he was expecting the girl to say
something, but she didn't. He could feel her eyes on the back of his head and
he was sure that, had her the power, his hair would be on fire by now. But she
remained completely silent for the whole class.
 
 
In her defense, she would say something but the unshakeable conviction that Hux
would want to peel her face off had him known she dared to stand up for him in
such an unnecessary situation made her keep her thoughts to herself. Had she
disregard Hux's feelings she would tell that stupid quarterback that it was not
that big of a deal and that he didn't need to behave like a spoiled child.
 
She kept silent until the teacher called out her name.
 
 
“Phasma Lewis” she said, searching the list on her hand. “You're pairing up
with....Ben Solo.”
 
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     Protect Kylo Ren 2k16.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
First thought than ran on her head was to wonder who the fuck was Ben Solo. It
took her a second to realize it was the guy sitting just in front of her.
Great. The rich kid. As long as he was not an asshole she could deal with him
just right. She waited him to show any initiative but he acted like he didn't
even realized his name was called out by the teacher. The tall blonde was
divided again. After all, he should at least show some interest regarding the
task. And she kept staring at the back of his head like she was trying to get
it exploded with the force of her thoughts.
 
It didn't happen and soon the class was over. He lingered on his seat watching
everyone else pretty much ran away from the biology class. Turning back he
looked at the girl that would be his partner.
 
“When can we do it?” she asked all of a sudden. She was busy throwing her
things on her backpack and he didn't realized she was aware of his presence.
“Did you hear me or not? When can we do it?”
 
“Saturday, I think.” he answer. “If it's cool for you.”
 
“This Saturday is impossible to me. Can it be the next one?”
 
“Yeah. Sure.”
 
There was nothing else to say. Phasma would rather be sorted with someone else,
but she wouldn't complain about him with no reason. Kylo secretly thought the
same. If he could, he would do all by himself but since the professor was not
very found of students who would go the extra mile just to avoid group
projects, he didn't say a thing. And also, he didn't want it to look like he
was rejecting the girl. He couldn't afford to hurt more people.
 
“Ok. See you.” she stood up, passed her right arm around some unknown girl's
shoulder and walked away leaving him alone on the classroom.
 
He tried not to overthink about his homework and just breath. Everything would
be ok. He didn't knew the girl properly, but he knew she had good grades and
that was the only important thing at the moment. He didn't need friends. He
need a good grade and he need to get his shit together as soon as possible.
 
“There you are.” Kylo lifted his head to look at his brother standing at the
door. “Rey is worried. She is saving a seat for us at the cafeteria, are you
coming?”
The older boy just shrugged. “I'm not hungry.” he said, despite the empty
stomach. Poe walked in with strong steps.
 
“You really need to stop acting like that, you know?” he said. “Come on. You
need to eat. You need to stop getting stuck on your own depressing bubble.”
 
“I am not hungry.”
 
He thought about saying he was not stuck on a bubble but it was a lie. And Poe
would never believe anyway. So he just said he was not hungry and hoped that
his brother would get a clue and leave. Which he didn't.
 
“Do it for me. And if it's not for me, then for Rey.” he plead. He rest his
hands on Kylo's desk and smiled. “And if it's not for her, then do it because
it's pizza Thursday and I know you can't say no to pizza.”
 
Good point. Poe knew he had hit the right point because Kylo's mouth twitched a
little.
 
“Pizza here is horrible.” the older boy said. But he still got up.
 
“It's still pizza, Ben. Don't start a drama!”
 
Sometimes Poe would feel like he was in fact the older brother. Ben had never
been someone prone to protect others and after all that happened, he was left
in such a bad state that Poe couldn't help but want to nurture and defend him.
They walked side by side in silence with the long glares Poe would give him and
the frenetic movements of Kylo's tongue against his lips because he wanted to
say something – anything – so Poe would see he was trying. So Poe would believe
him and so he would stop saying that he was keeping himself on a close bubble.
But there was nothing to say and they get to the cafeteria before he could let
out anything.
 
Poe probably lecture their cousin because Rey didn't come start a conversation
about him. She seemed to be a little too much concentrated on something that he
didn't know what was. Her pizza slice was in front of her, half bitten, lying
still as she got lost on he own thoughts.
 
A voice in his head said he should probably start a conversation. And a second
latter, the same voice said it was a waste of time. Nobody wanted to talk to
him so he should just shut up and eat his cold tasteless pizza. And wait for
the time to pass because he felt so stupid sitting there in silence watching
the others eat and relax and being so aware that – somehow – everyone else was
watching and talking about him.
 
“Are they dating?” Rey stared at him with her arguing eyes. He seemed pretty
clueless so she pointed Phasma sitting two tables from them. “She is in your
class, right?”
 
“She is.” he answered looking over to Phasma who was sitting besides the
unknown girl with her arm now around the girl's waist. “I don't know who that
other girl is, though.”
 
“Are they together?” she asked. That was something on her voice that triggered
Poe. He looked genuinely surprised.
 
“I don't know.”
 
“Do you care?” Poe asked.
 
She shrugged and bit her pizza before answering. “It just doesn't seem right.”
 
“Are you still mad at her?” Rey looked at her cousin without having a right
answer.
 
“I'm not mad. I don't know. She just doesn't fit with anyone.” she explained.
“She is like a demonic being that should not be allowed to date normal people.
She is a weirdo!”
 
Her emphasis made Poe giggle. “You're the only high school girl who is obsessed
with advanced mechanics. You don't have the right to call other people weird.”
and when she flipped him off, Kylo smirked.
 
Weird.
He could be considered a weird too.
Or better saying, dysfunctional.
He wondered if Rey thought the same about him.
If everyone else thought the same about him. That he was a weirdo and that he
shouldn't be allowed to be with other people. He could feel the knot growing on
his throat so he took a deep breath and tried to refocus. Before the others on
his table could notice what was happening.
 
He came back to reality with a soft bump on his arm. He looked at Rey confused.
“Look” she said in a low voice. “He is texting again. He has been buried on his
phone for weeks now. Do you think he is dating someone?”
 
“I think you're pretty obsessed with dating.” he teased. Obviously, she looked
crossed. “You should get a boyfriend or something.” and he smiled. A full
smile. How could she get mad at that? She would say something else but right at
the moment, Phasma passed over their table and exchanged glances with Kylo. She
gave him a soft nod and Kylo did the same.
 
“You didn't mention you talked to her.” his cousin said.
 
“I have to. She is my partner in biology.”
 
Rey liked the news much less than Hux. When Phasma told him her new biology
partner was Kylo Ren, he thought she was joking.
 
“I'm not joking.” she said. She couldn't say a lot because Jessica was just by
her side and her brother would kill her if she mentioned his crush on Ren, but
Hux was aware there would be a lot of teasing as soon as they got some time
alone. “Jessica is my witness! Tell him!”
 
Hux looked over trying to find the dark haired boy around the cafeteria but he
wasn't there. He only saw his cousin sitting by herself and he thought maybe
she was saving his seat so Hux had to pretend he wasn't looking and expecting
Kylo to show up. Jessica and Phasma were deeply involved in some conversation
that Hux couldn't care less. He bit his own sandwich and look up again in the
exact moment Kylo walked in with Poe. Hux felt his stomach turn into ice. There
he was, walking carelessly, fixing his hair behind his ear. Being so damn
perfect that Hux wanted to walk straight to him, slap his beautiful face, push
him against the wall and kiss him for a week. Nonstop.
 
He scratch his head. Maybe he was getting a little bit involved on all that Ren
drama. Honestly, Kylo was not that big deal, maybe Hux was craving sex so much
just because it had been a while since he had some action on that matter. Maybe
all he needed was a good one night stand and all that lust he put on Kylo would
be gone in a blink of an eye.
The good thing about having Kylo as a crush was that fortunately he was not on
Hux's classes. And the redheaded boy would always be grateful for that. If, by
chance, he changed places with Phasma, Hux had no idea who he would be able to
pay attention to his class. Somehow, Kylo would always drag the younger boy's
eyes to him. He could be at the other side of the room and still drag Hux's
attention with a mere smile.
 
Which was annoying and pretty ridiculous on Hux's opinion. Later, when school
was finally over, Phasma showed up by his side with a large smile.
 
“Don't even start!” he adverted.
 
“What? I was just about to ask how are you handling the idea that you're going
to see Kylo Ren next saturday?” she teased. He seemed annoyed already and it
pleased her so much. Hux rolled his eyes to her and kept walking. “Come on! You
should be at least a little bit excited about it. Com'on, Armitage!”
 
Speaking his name had the effect she was looking for. His face got all red and
he looked at her dead serious. “Don't. Call me. Armitage.” he said, as an
order. “And stop teasing me, ok? I don't find it pleasant that that guy is
coming to our house.” he managed to keep his voice low so people on the streets
wouldn't know what they were talking about. “You know how I feel about him.
Can't you guys do it somewhere else? Why can't you go to his place?”
 
“Seriously, Hux, why are you freaking out? Com'on is just some guy you find
attractive. It's not the end of the world. Enjoy your opportunity.” she said.
“It's not like you are a poor virgin and he is your first love. Just stop
worrying.”
 
She was right and he hated to admit it.
 
“You know what? I plan to drop juice on his shirt so he will have to change it.
And, if you get lucky, you'll get to see him half naked.”
 
“Are you out of your mind?” The ginger couldn't help but let out a laugh. “What
the hell is wrong with you today?” but his sister just shrugged.
 
“I just think you should ask him out, you know?” she explained. “Maybe if you
go out with him, you'll finally get over this crush on him.”
 
“I think you like to forget that he isn't gay just to hurt me.”
“I think you are over dramatic.” she teased again.
 
She got to tease him around, always saying little jokes and giving him looks
for the days that preceded the infamous Saturday. When he came downstairs on
said day, she was grinning.
 
“Please. It's 8 a.m.” Hux moaned, serving himself a glass of juice. “Stop being
a bully.”
 
“I didn't say a thing. I literally didn't say a word!”
 
He knew she was about to drop some sassy remark but Hux had no intention to
start an argument. “Anyway...what time does he come?”
 
“At 10.”
 
“Ok.”
 
At 10, the bell ringed and Kylo Ren was standing at their door. As she opened
the door and let him in, Phasma noticed the dark circles under his eyes. “You
seem tired.”
 
He shrugged. Hands inside his pockets. Bag hanging on his left shoulder.
“Insomnia.” he said. The blonde noticed he was pale too and the hoarse voice
denounce how much he needed to sleep. But he managed to keep himself up and
actually put a lot of effort on the assignment. He put all he got into that
task and one hour later, he was drained. He pushed himself away from the pile
of paper and rubbed his eyes. “This is worse than I thought it would be.”
 
“We still have to do the freaking diorama.”
 
“WE HAVE TO MAKE A DIORAMA?” it was a half groan mixed with a scream and it
made her eyes open wide. “Sorry. I lost my cool for a moment.”
 
It was enough to make her laugh. She hid her eyes with a hand and giggled while
he watched her.
 
“This whole assignment is a mistake.” she said. “Come on, we are old enough to
stop making dioramas.”
 
“I can't agree more.” Kylo rested his head on the table, closing his eyes. If
he could get at least ten minutes of sleep, he would feel so much better.
 
He yawned and Phasma thought he look really cute. Still not her type
considering he had a dick and everything, but really cute indeed. “Are you
hungry?”
 
“A little.”
 
“Well. My fridge is full of leftover, if you don't mind, of course, you can
stay for lunch.”
 
It was the first time he was invited for lunch in someone's house and it felt
both awkward and exciting. He opened his eyes and Phasma was already in the
kitchen. He could see her from the dining room. She was taking little boxes
from the kitchen. “We have Orange chicken, some really old yakisoba that I
advise you not to ingest, some incredibly good meatloaf my brother made
yesterday and some shifty lasagna I tried to made but it ended up just being
pasta with minced meat.”
 
“I think I'll go with the meatloaf.”
 
“Wise choice.” she said. “Can you put the.....you know what, never mind. HUX!”
 
One minute later, the ginger boy walked down the stairs. “What?”
 
“Set the table for us.” she said. “Kylo is joining us for lunch. He chose your
meatloaf. Lets see if he gets food poisoned.”
 
“She likes to tease me about my cooking skills.” the ginger boy said as he put
the cutlery on the spot. Hux eyes meet Kylo's and he froze for a second. The
brunet was smiling and it was so sweet Hux had goosebumps. He looked away,
praying that his cheeks didn't turn red. “Anyway, this is my seat. You should
move.”
“Oh, sorry.” he tryied to move to get away, but Hux's hands on his shoulder
kept him sitting.
 
“I was just....it was a joke.” he said. This time, a faint reddish tone covered
his face. “You know....because of that time on scho-....never mind.” he walked
back to the kitchen with his face burning.
 
“Why are you all red?” his sister asked in a whisper. “What did you do to him?”
 
“It's nothing. Shut. up.”
 
He tried to avoid Phasma's eyes for the whole meal. Kylo was not really good at
keeping a conversation, Hux could notice that, but he really act really cool
and polite.
 
“It's really good.” he said at some point and the younger boy felt his cheek
get a little bit warmer.
 
“Thanks.”
 
Phasma was delighted. It was like watching a social experience. She smirked
noticing Hux's cheeks were getting flustered. That crush was really taking a
tool on him. It was cute and worrying mixed together. And is she was worried,
Hux was beyond that. Because that was not his natural. Feeling silly and
getting flustered and a complete inability to make flirtatious jokes were not
his natural. This self imposed abstinence was definitely being the worst things
he ever decided on doing because now he was sitting there, finding Kylo Ren
incredibly adorable and wanting to kiss him so much and he knew it had to do
with the fact that he hadn't kiss anyone in ages. And it was so frustrating.
 
“You don't have to do the dishes.” Phasma said to the taller boy. After the
meal was over, Kylo was polite enough to offer help. Now he was in front of the
sink, his sleeves were pulled up and he had a strain of hair falling over his
face. “And seriously, you gonna get your hoadie all wet.” it was a little bit
funny to watch him try to do the dishes, but he clearly didn't have much
experience on that and he looked exhausted anyway.
 
The blonde thought that nobody with a minimal experience in such thing would
choose to wash the dishes with their hoadie on. She crossed her arm, resting
her hip against the kitchen counter. Hux got back to the kitchen with the rest
of the dirty dishes.
 
“You gonna get your sleeves wet.” he said, putting the plates in the counter he
turned back to Kylo and softly pushed him away. “Let me do this. I wash and you
dry.” the eldest just nod, giving him space. He didn't say a thing and neither
did Hux. And both boys didn't realize Phasma was long gone before they end up
with the dishes. The ginger boy tossed him the dishcloth after he had dried up
his hands.
 
Kylo mimicked him and sight. “I should get back to the assignment.” he said and
Hux nod. “I really enjoyed the food.” the last statement put a little smirk on
Hux's lips and he looked away before letting it grow a little bigger. Later he
would realize he didn't say thank you to the older boy and it would make him
feel foolish. But at that moment, all he could think was that Kylo could thank
him with a kiss. Or maybe he could press him against the kitchen counter and
fuck him until he was breathless.
 
He looked down knowing so damn well his face was getting all red and he watched
with the corner of his eye when Kylo excused himself and left. Hux grabbed the
border of the counter trying to recompose himself. He bit his bottom lips and
watched as Kylo and his sister got back to their work. He disappeared into his
room before they could notice.
 
On the dining room, things were walking slowly.
 
“We can do this tomorrow if you feeling so tired.” Phasma said, at some point.
She noticed Kylo was having some trouble with the blue paint and the Styrofoam
and the cards and the incredible mess that was the table. He had been with his
eyes closed for more than three minutes and he only opened them up because she
start talking.
 
“I'm good.” he said. But the long yawn he let out right after made clear he was
completely exhausted. He massaged his neck, closing his eyes again, and
stretched it to both sides. The he stretched his arms up enjoying the painful
like feeling of his back muscles extending and contracting. “But I won't oppose
if you feel like taking a break.” he added later, with a smirk.
 
“I think twenty minutes won't hurt anything.” she said before they moved to the
living room and she turned on the xbox so she could play something and rest his
mind. “Wanna play?”
 
Kylo just shook his head, trying to get comfy at the couch. “Suit yourself.” he
didn't know if was just his tiredness or if the game's soundtrack lulled him to
sleep, but the fact wast that, when he woke up, he was lying on the couch.
Someone had given him a pillow and put a blanket over him. Kylo felt his face
burn in shame. The room was dim illuminated only buy the faint light of the tv
and the light from the dining room.
 
“Do you think we should wake him up?” he heard someone say.
 
“I don't know. He just felt asleep. Maybe he is tired. Let him sleep.”
 
“I mean....he has to wake up. I don't know.”
 
“He will. Eventually.”
 
Hux stared at her. “Come on. Don't be so serious.”
 
“I just think you should go and check on him.” he said. He was busy peeling
potatoes and he didn't see Kylo coming up. “You know...just so we know he isn't
dead.”
 
“I'm not.”
 
In a moment of surprise, the knife missed his target and ended up cutting Hux's
finger. “FUCK!” dropping the knife and the potatoes aside, he let his finger
bathe on cold water to wash the cut. Surprised and right behind him, Kylo was
apologizing. “It's ok. It happens all the time.” he said. Phasma was already
standing a band aid which he gladly took and covered the wounded place.
“Seriously...” he said again, when he turned around to meet Kylo's worried
face. “It happens all the time.”
 
They showed him their band aid collection. “My father is a chef.” the blonde
said. “So we always get first aid kits on the kitchen.”
 
“Ah...”
 
“And I have to say that he managed to get his fingers cut more less than all of
us together.” Hux said. He had turned his attention back to the potatoes. And
Kylo watched, enchanted, the atmosphere on the kitchen. It was warm and cozy
and he felt more in peace there than he could ever feel back home.
Home!
 
He anxiously grabbed his phone on his pocket. 5 missed calls from his father.
 
0 missed call from his mother. He was safe.
 
The screen showed him it was passed 7 p.m and probably Leia was already home.
He cursed in a rushed tone. There would be some nagging but he was used to his
father freaking out every time he didn't answer his phone. Just like magic, his
phone buzzed again. The screen showed Poe's face. Typical of his father to get
Poe to do the dirty job.
 
“Yes?”
 
“Are you alive and well?” the voice on the other side asked.
 
“Yes.”
 
“Great. Father is freaking out. Come home.” he didn't wait for Kylo to say
anything else and just hung up.
 
The tall boy rubbed his face. “I should get going.” he said to the others. He
got his backpack that was lying under the table and gathered his supplies. “Can
we finish it tomorrow?”
 
“Sure.” Phasma said. “Don't you wanna stay for dinner? I mean...you already
here, anyways.”
 
“I should really get going.” he said, apologetically. “My family is starting to
freak out.”
 
“Come on...is not like you went missing.”
 
“Yeah. Try to say that to Han Solo.” he said. “He is always thinking that me
and my brother are going to get kidnapped someday.”
 
“He seems to be...protective.”
“I think obsessed fits him better.” he fixed a lock of hair behind his right
ear. His phones buzzed again. “Do you want me to help you out with the mess?”
 
“It's cool.”
 
“I really have to go.” he said again. He fingers were pattering on the
backpack's strap. “I'm sorry.”
 
“I'll walk you out.”
 
“Thanks for the food.” he said to Hux before he left. Kylo followed the blonde
back to the door.
 
“Did you come driving?” she asked. When he denied, she raised her eyebrow. “How
are you going home?”
 
“I'll take the bus.” he said. The incredulous look on her face made him smile.
“What? Thought the rich kid didn't know how to do it?”
 
“Got me.”
 
“I've been riding bus since I was old enough to walk.” he told her.
 
“That's....kinda unbelievable.”
 
“I know.”
 
She grabbed her keys and opened the door to let him out. “I'll walk Kylo to the
bus stop!” she yelled to her brother.
 
“Ok!” Hux yelled back. “See you tomorrow, Ren.”
 
“See you...”
 
Phasma walked him to the bus stop in silence. He was hoping she didn't notice
how lame he was on keeping a conversation, but if she did, she didn't mention.
When his bus came, he worried to leave her alone. And as if she was reading his
mind, she said. “You can go. It's only twenty meters from my house. I'll be
fine.”
 
Hesitating, he got the bus. “See you tomorrow!” he said, before paying the
ticket. When he looked back, after he took a seat and the bus was already
mooving, she was running back home.
 
He face his phone again and sighed. It would be a big lecturing when he got
home. On the screen a big 8:45 were telling him that he had abused his luck.
Han would probably be very pissed and Kylo could almost hear his words echoing
on his head. When he got home, not even Leia's car on the garage gave him some
peace. He walked in ready for battle and when it didn't come, he felt lost. Han
was not waiting for him.
 
Instead, sitting on the chair and sipping camomile tea, Leia was waiting.
Chapter End Notes
     I can only say that i'm sorry.
     And i'm sleepy.
     I really appreciate if you guys can leave me your opinion. Srsly.
     Like....any comment. Just howl back so I know I'm not to the void. ♥
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Sit down, darling.”
 
The tall boy inhaled deeply but didn't move. He watched as Leia took another
sip of her tea. She was calm and soft and sweet and yet he could feel all her
power by the way he hand was holding the cup.
 
“Benjamin, sit down.” she said once again. And he knew she had no time for
games and that he should shut up and sit, but still he kept his distance.
 
“I'm sorry.” he said. He crossed his arms like he was protecting himself from
her.
 
“What are you sorry for?” she asked. It was some of the most annoying thing
every mother knew exactly how to do. She could see he was pissed but still, she
remained in silence, waiting for him to give her and explanation.
 
“I don't know.” shrugging, he sighed. “For whatever the reason you want me to
be sorry.”
 
It was Leia's time to sigh. She left her cup on the center table and got up.
Kylo shuddered when his mother walked towards him. She was little enough to
have to look up to face him but it didn't chance the fact that she was a
terrifying woman. Her hands held upon Kylo's hoodie and she seemed both
stressed out and sad. “My boy.” she lamented. “My boy.”
 
He could feel his lips trembling. And even though he wanted to hug her and say
he was sorry, he did nothing. He stayed completely motionless while she looked
at him waiting for a reaction.
 
“Where have you been all day?” she finally asked when the silence started to
feel overwhelming.
 
“I was studying.” he looked at her and she had an incredulous look on her eyes.
“I swear to you. I was studying. I had an assignment to do. A biology one.
What? You don't believe me?! Do you wanna search my bag for drugs or what?”
She reached out for his face with both her hands and he didn't realized he had
bend in until her warm hands were cupping his cheeks. “I do believe you, baby.”
she smiled softly and caressed his skin with both her thumbs. “I do believe you
and I'm glad you are taking your education more seriously. But I do wish you
were more careful with your whereabouts and I do wish you could answer the
phone when we call you. You got us all worried about you today.”
 
His big hands involved her delicate wrists and he pulled away from her warm
grasp.
 
“I'm sorry for that.”
 
“Don't run away from me, Ben.” it was a mix of a request and a demand. They
stared at each other for a moment until he couldn't bear it anymore.
 
“I'm not running. I'm just tired.” letting go of her hands, he backed away from
her reach “If you're done, I'm going to my room.”
 
Leia said to herself that she should say something, but again she was never
sure what to say to him. It was like her own son was made of sand and no matter
how hard she tried, she could never keep him safe on her hands. Her trembling
hands hold her arms in a lonely hug as she looked around on the depressingly
empty living room and shivered. When did all come to this?
 
Kylo was shivering too. Unlike the other day, nobody came to talk or to be
supportive or for anything else in that matter. He closed the door and faced
the loneliness of his own room. And it felt like cold water on his lungs. He
tossed his phone somewhere before collapsing to bed.
 
He woke up to Poe walking in trying not to make any noise. He looked around for
a while and scratched the back of his head.
 
“What?” the sleepy hoarse voice of his older brother came from under the covers
and actually managed to scare him a little. He turned around to face Ben, even
though he had no idea where his face was.
 
“Sorry, did I wake you up?”
 
“You did.” he answered with a smirk. He kept his eyes close to avoid the thin
fray of clarity.
 
“I'm looking for my copy of Frankenstein. Did you got it?”
 
“I didn't even know you got a copy of Frankenstein, Poe.” he moaned, turning
his back to his brother. “In fact, I wasn't even sure you could read.” he
didn't mean to be offensive and was very pleased when Poe didn't take it as
one. The younger boy only toss him a pillow that was lying on the ground and
told him to fuck off.
 
“Maybe you should get up and stop being grumpy.” he added, ready to leave the
room. “It's 1 p.m after all.”
 
Kylo sit up in a jump, his eyes wide open. He probably had the funniest face
because when he started to look for his phone, Poe was laughing, holding
himself on the door. “Oh, brother. You should have seen your face!”
 
“FUCK OFF, POE!”
 
His face flustered with anger and he tossed his pillow only for it to meet the
door and fall back to the floor. His eager fingers found his phone under his
bed and when the screen showed him the time, he was even more pissed. What kind
of disturbed person comes around people's room at 7 a.m on a Sunday morning?
 
He groaned and try to get back to sleep, but it was useless. Crossed, he got up
and stretched himself. He had a lot of things to do and he could use a good
mood and some focus, so he took a long shower, letting the hot water run down
his hair.
 
“Focus!” he said to his reflection in the mirror was he walked out of the
shower.
On the other side, his face looked back with a blank expression. His skin
looked pale and frail and he got bags under his eyes that denounced how much he
needed to rest properly. “Just stay focus!” he watched himself say as if just
by repeating, he could actually start to believe it.
 
The red scar was vividly as a fat red snake eternally sleeping on his face.
Down on his body, a couple of very thin scars were dancing around a far more
big one on his torso, all of them varying from a reddish to a brownish tone.
His fingertips traced the big scar on his chest. There were so many memories he
would like to erase from his mind and those scars were the top of the list. He
could deal with the one on his chest, but the one on his face was always there
to remind him that he wasn't normal anymore.
 
He wasn't exactly normal before, he wonder.
 
He would have to learn to live with it. Just like it says in all those books
about how to deal with trauma that Leia bought when all that shit happened. He
had to deal with it and keep living. But it was much harder to do than to say,
indeed. But he had to try. Try and get better. Try and keep living and then,
maybe, when Leia and Han, and the rest of his family look at him, they would
see a person and not a person-shaped time-bomb that was ready to explode at any
given moment. So they would stop to suffocate him. The steam was still filling
the bathroom and fogging the mirror, where now his reflection was nothing more
than an opaque abstract painting. “Just be normal and try not to fall sleep on
people's house.” he said to his foggy self and he got ready to leave.
 
When he opened the door to his room, the steam dissipated. He looked over the
piles of shoes and clothes for his black combat boots that he remembered to
toss somewhere. His alarm clock went off at 8:30 when he finally found his
boots and the red numbers on the vintage digital clock on his bedside table
turned to 9 when he was finally ready to leave. He checked his pockets for
cigarettes as he walked down the stairs and was painfully reminded that he
still didn't buy them. At the kitchen, Rey was the only one sitting on the
table, looking somewhat between crossed and bored. She had two toast on he
plate and a glass full of juice in front of it and she didn't seem to be hungry
hence the fact that she was engaged to cut little pieces of her toast with her
fingers.
 
“Where is everyone?” Kylo asked. He walked in to the fridge to find something
he could eat fast and not be too late to leave the house.
 
“Aunt Leia left early with uncle Han. They left a note on the fridge. And Poe
had a date so he left too and I see you going out as well so...yeah...I'll be
by myself the whole day because no one remembered to make plans with me.” she
said, bitterly. The tall boy turned around to see her and she was busy angrily
turning her toast to crumbs. “What?”
 
“Nothing.” he said. Kylo was aware that engaging a conversation with her when
she was pissed off was not the smartest of moves.
 
“It's not PMS.”
“I didn't say it was.”
 
“Good. Because if anyone else even suggests that I'm pmsing I'll seriously lose
my mind.”
 
“Ok” he whispered under his breath. “I'm sorry you have to stay alone all day.”
 
“It's fine.” she murmured, her fingertips still playing with the crumbs on her
plate. “It's not like I care.” it was funny the way she shrugged and avoid to
look at his face because she knew her cousin would be smiling. “I don't, ok?
Just go away. You're probably late anyway.”
 
“Actually, I am.” Kylo admitted. He sat besides her filled his glass with
orange juice and drank it in one sip. He looked over to the cousin he had like
another baby sister. “We can do something together later.” his suggestion
brought a smile to her pouting lips. He surprisingly realized his lips were
stretching into a thin almost smile too. “But now I do have to go.”
 
“Try to answer the phone this time, ok?” she asked when her cousin was almost
leaving. “I don't wanna see them arguing again.”
 
He froze. “They were arguing?”
 
“They argue all the time, Ben.” she said. All her attention was back to her
toast crumbs and she didn't noticed the way Kylo's back tensioned.
 
“I didn't know that.” he said. His hands started to sweat and his head started
to spin. “I thought they were settled by now.”
 
“Everybody argue, Ben.”
 
He left as fast as he could not wanting to spend anymore time thinking about
his parents situation. The fresh air and the sunlight worked a lot on his mood
and he was feeling quite better when he got to Phasma's place. Kylo was aware
of his lateness so he was ready to apologize when the blonde opened the door
but he got surprised by the ginger boy who now was standing in front of him.
“Hi.” the ginger swerved left so Kylo would have room to pass. He was holding
the door open with one hand and holding a cereal bowl on the other one. ”Come
in” and he explained as the other did “She is on the phone.” he leaded Kylo
back to the table on the dining room where the taller boy sat, dumping his
backpack on the floor. Hux sat on the chair in front of him, eyes on his
breakfast, voraciously eating. At a point, he seemed to realized he got Kylo's
attention because he looked up to find the taller one staring right at him.
“What?”
 
“Nothing.” he said, shrugging and smirking.
 
“I'm hungry.”
 
“I'm not judging.” he rose his hands like he was defending himself.
 
“Why are you staring then?” Hux said. He hid his little smile pretty well but
lowering his head until Kylo couldn't see his face.
 
“I'm sorry.” the older said. He tried to look away for a while but his eyes
kept being drag to the ginger boy. He was quite pleasant to look at with his
old green shirt that made his hair brighten up and his clear eyes that Kylo
wasn't sure to be either blue or green.
 
“Really....stop staring.” he said. This time he was facing Kylo and his smile
was a little bigger so the brunet noticed. “Do you want some? There is more in
the kitchen. Suit yourself.”
 
“I'm not hungry.” he said. He passed his left hand on his hair, disentangling
some locks. “I'm sorry for staring.” he wasn't really, but it felt like the
right thing to do.
 
Much for his surprise, Hux didn't seem to be upset. The younger boy shrugged
and look away. “It's ok.” he didn't have time to say anything else because
Phasma was already coming down. She greeted Kylo with a big smile.
 
“Sorry I took too long.” she said, sitting down. She then proceed to talk about
all the things they have to get done this day and Hux took this moment to leave
without getting noticed. Away, in the kitchen, he breath out deeply. Trying to
remain calm when every single action Kylo did was like a red warning on his
pants were really difficult. He watched from afar as Kylo tried to disentangle
the knots on his hair with his finger and Hux was pretty sure that there was
nothing he wanted more at that given moment than to bury his own fingers on
Kylo's dark hair and moan the elder’s name on Kylo's ear. He could feel a cold
sting on his stomach and how the hair on his arms were getting bristle.
 
He surely was staring but what else could he do? Kylo Ren was in his house,
acting all comfortable and being as outgoing as Hux thought he could be, and
still fighting the knots on his hair and it was amazing to see. Sighing, the
ginger boy turned his back to the dining room and focused on the beige wall of
his kitchen. Maybe he should go out so the fresh air could help him get a
straight face and stop blushing whenever Kylo's eyes met his.
 
“YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDING ME!”
 
Phasma's voice fill the house as a thunder. He turned around to see his
sister's red face and angry fists. At first, Hux thought that all her anger was
directed towards Kylo but as he got close, he realized she was actually
screaming at her computer whose screen was blue now. Kylo looked shocked and
she was rubbing her hands on her already red face making it far worse.
 
“We were almost done! Com'on!”
 
“What did you do?” Hux made the mistake of asking.
 
“I did nothing.” The way her eyes glare at him was a perfect indication that he
should say nothing else. “I was tipping this freaking stupid assignment and
then, all of a sudden, it just....” she turned the computer off again and rest
her forehead on the table. “Un-fucking-believeable.”
 
“Did you try to turn off and turn on back again?”
 
“IT'S NOT FUCKING TURNING ON, ARMITAGE!”
 
There was no words to describe the scarlet vibrant tone that colored Hux's
cheeks. His eyes spread wide open and he nervously avoid Kylo's eyes. “I am
trying to help you, Satan's spawn.” he muttered.
 
“Ok. Ok. I'm sorry.” she said.
 
Kylo, who had been awfully quiet this whole time, cleared his throat, getting
their attention. “I'm not actually sure, but if you want, my cousin can take a
look at it for you.” he said “I mean, she is pretty good with electronics so
maybe she can fix it.”
 
“Really?!” the siblings seem excited. “You really think your cousin can fix
it?”
 
“Well...she can try, right?” he said. Kylo smiled right back to Hux qhen the
ginger one sat beside him and gifted the taller with a warm smile.
 
Phasma's enthusiasm was not that big. She had her arms crossed and looked
annoyed. “Do you mean that girl or do you have another cousin?”
 
“No, I mean Rey.”
 
“She's not gonna want to do it.” the blonde whined. “She hates me! I don't even
know why, but she actually hates me!”
 
Kylo couldn't say she was wrong but he managed to convince Phasma to at least
try so they packed everything they thought they would need and head out.
“You're sure you don't wanna come?” the dark haired boy asked when they were
leaving.
 
The ginger shrugged “I still have my own homework to do so...I'll pass.” in the
end, all he wanted was to get rid of Kylo so he could bury himself on his bed
and die from the shame of knowing that, now, Kylo knew his first name and that
it was not a pretty one.
 
When they left, Kylo's curiosity got the best of him. “Is his name really
Armitage?”
 
Phasma bit her lip. “Well...I'm not supposed to be talking about it, but yes.”
she finally said after a few moments of silence. “He is not very found of it
so, if you could please not mention it in front of him, it would be great!”
 
The ride to Kylo's place was fill with the stories Phasma told him and he payed
great attention to all of them. Mostly they were about her and Hux going into
some bold adventure as kids. He could remember to be bold as well when he was
younger. His knees were always red of bleeding and he managed to get his arms
and legs broken at least once. But that happened a long time ago, when he was
not so numb and when the world was not so hazy and gray. He couldn't imagine
what it was like to feel like that nowadays. No. Nowadays everything was
cigarettes and alcohol and trying to keep his head off the water so he wouldn't
drown.
 
“Hey, are you okay?” she asked. “You seem to get really pale for a moment.”
 
“I'm cool.” he mumbled. They walked from the bus stop to his house in silence.
She was watching the neighborhood with uneasiness. The houses were getting
bigger and fancier with their big green lawn before them and fancy cars on
their garages. Even the air seemed to be more sophisticated. She should be used
to all the pretentious look she was getting from the people on the sidewalk but
Phasma couldn't help the urgent need to run she was getting. She knew far too
well how rich people use to treat immigrants like her father and how they think
less of anyone who was not as wealthy as they are.
 
When Kylo pointed his home with a nod, she felt relieved.
 
“My parents are....somewhere doing God's know what.” he anticipated her
question. “Com'on. I think Rey is on her room.”
 
“I can wait for you here.”
 
“Living room is over there” he said, pointing his right. “Make yourself
comfortable.” he then tried to find Rey upstairs but she was nowhere to be
fund. Must to his surprise, when he walked back to meet Phasma, his cousin were
waiting for him with some very annoyed expression. “I was looking for you.”
 
She just lifted her left eyebrow to him.
 
“Can you take a look at my friends comp-”
 
“No.”
 
“Rey.”
 
“I'm busy.”
 
“Excuse us for a moment.” he dragged his cousin to the kitchen against her
complains. “Com'on, Rey. Stop being rude. Why can't you help us out?”
 
“I said I am busy.”
 
“Rey...please...her computer just shut off and all our work is in there.”
 
She was crossed but eventually gave in and they walked back to the living room.
“I'll see what I can do.” she said to the tall blonde girl, who answered with a
little smirk.
 
“Thank you.”
 
Blushing, the short girl turned around. “Don't thank me.” when she left, Kylo
and Phasma stared at each other.
 
“Well, I think it did go well.” the blonde said. She watched as Kylo made a
noise that resembled a giggle and sat down besides her. Was the first time she
ever saw him do something that could be compared to a faint laugh.
 
“I don't know why she is so pissed off with you.”
 
“Well, you and me both.” Phasma said. “I do even remember having a proper
conversation with her.” she shrugged, her left hand massaging her nape. “So,
what we do now? I mean, we still have to make that crazy diorama and shit.”
 
“Yeah...but there is no use if we lost all the research on your drive.” she was
visibly stressed out and he didn't know how to make things better. He was not
stupid and he could see by the house she lived in that their lifestyle was
quite different. He didn't ask but he was sure that the blonde sitting besides
him as well as her brother were relying on a scholarship program to be able to
attend his school. He was not naïve about his own privileges. And that was the
plain reason why Phasma seemed to be so upset and Kylo actually didn't bother
that much.
 
The worse case scenario to him was losing his position as the quarterback but
beside the team, there was nothing else to lose.
 
At some point, she sighed and bowed her head. “Dude, we're so screwed.”
 
She was happy to be wrong. Thirty minutes later Rey got back downstairs to give
the tall girl her laptop. “Here. I think it will hang on for a while but you
should really get yourself a new one.” and she left before Phasma could say
thank you.
 
After all that crisis, everything else went much more smoothly. They ended up
the diorama faster than they think and before Kylo could notice, Phasma was
already saying goodbye and getting her bus back home. When he got back to his
almost empty house, she wished her to be there. Finally he had someone he could
talk to that wouldn't see him as a grenade or as his disorders alone. Maybe he
could still work out this whole making friends thing even though he was just
some good-for-nothing little shit right now.
 
As the week passed slowly, Kylo found out that having lunch with Phasma and Hux
were far more interesting and funny than spending said time with his brother
and cousin. And Rey didn't take it exactly well. She watched as her cousin
walked to his new friend's table and sat besides the ginger boy with a smile
for the third time this week. She paid careful attention to him while
pretending to acknowledge nothing more than her own lunch. Everyone else on her
table was loud and annoying and her boys were both gone. Poe had got himself up
somewhere and Kylo had left her for his new friends.
 
“Your cousin is sitting all by herself.” Hux pointed out. He was still quite
impressed Kylo Ren was sitting at his table. He didn't need to be so starstruck
by the other boy cause after all, Hux was the soccer team's captain. But again,
Kylo was the quarterback and the ginger knew it had some impact on everyone
else on school. He bit his lower lip. Phasma turned her head so see it too.
“You should go and sit with her.” there was a second of silence before Hux
realized what he had just said but it was already too late because Kylo got up
nodding and grabbed his lunch with a faint smile.
 
“You are right.” he said, before leaving.
 
He was far away enough when Phasma turned her angry glare to her brother. “What
the fuck is wrong with you?” she asked in an enraged low husky voice. “He was
right beside you, you dumb head!”
 
“I know. I know. I know!” he answered, bowing his head.
 
“How wronged you, ginger?” she sighed. “Like, seriously, brother...what the
fuck?!”
 
“I panicked, ok?” he confessed. He rubbed his face and watched, between his
fingers, as Kylo sat besides Rey and they engaged a conversation. “I was going
to say that he should ask her to sit with us but then I thought that she might
not want to sit with us. And maybe he wouldn't want her to do so because maybe
it would be like merging our tables and they would feel like it would create an
obligation for them to sit with us every day and may-”
 
“Tage...it's the school cafeteria. It's not the fucking mob!” she said.
“Seriously, who wronged you?”
 
“I'm sorry.” he said with a sigh. Kylo was now deep into his conversation but,
for a slipt of a second, his eyes turned back to Hux's direction and the stare
at each other in awe. The younger boy tried really hard to avoid blushing, but
the annoying red tone still tainted his pale cheeks.
 
Kylo couldn't help but feel a cold pinch on his stomach “He is probably just
relieved you left.” the voice in his head said. “How come you keep fooling
yourself, boy?” sometimes the voice in his head would assume a tone very close
to his father's. He looked down to his half eaten meal and felt like throwing
up. His eyes got stuck on Hux's vivid hair as the younger one avoid his eyes
like it was the devil and it was painful because once again, he felt the ones
he was willing to call friends slip through his fingers. “Such a good-for-
nothing boy.” the voice mocked him and it words echoed on every small piece of
his brain.
 
The voice on his head kept yelling for the rest of the day. It kept nagging as
Phasma tried to make amends to him, it kept going on was he head to PE. Class
and it was still going on during his practice. The coach even gave him some
sort of a lecture for not getting his mind on the game. If only that annoying
voice could be silent for a moment, he would be ok.
 
“Ren.”
 
Kylo was heading to the locker room after his match. As usual, he was the last
one to go in so he could have the space for himself. It wasn't about not
wanting to share it but much more about not wanting to be seen with his clothes
off. The horrendous decorative lines on his body were the sole reason to keep
his clothes on. He cock his head to the side to find Hux on his soccer clothes,
standing with his arms crossed, waiting for him across the locker room's door.
The taller boy rose an eyebrow in surprise.
 
“Hm...earlier today.” the ginger began. He was unsure if he should get close to
the quarterback or just keep his distance. Decided for the later as he was not
sure he could keep himself from blushing again. “I didn't mean to tell you to
leave.”
 
“Okay.”
 
“Right.” Hux was not sure what else he was expecting so, before he could make a
fool of himself again, he smiled and left, but the warm shameful feeling on his
cheeks endured.
 
“You really need to get laid.” Mitaka said with some devilish smile the next
morning. He passed his arm over Hux's shoulder making a very awkward image for
both of them because Mitaka was way shorter than the other boy. He seemed to be
in a very good mood and Hux knew damn too well that mean he had a plan. “Fear
not my celibate friend.” he said and made a long dramatic pause. “I have the
answer to your prayers.”
 
“If it involves me spending any amount of money, you can definitely count me
out.”
 
“Don't worry, Ginger. I got your back.”
 
One of the things Hux learned right after Mitaka became his friend was that he
always had his friend's back. The other was that the short half Japanese boy
always had a devilish plan on the back of his mind.
 
The third point was that those plans, somehow, always involve alcohol and sex.
Hux could not say not to any of this. Not that Mitaka would let him back down
on his plans anyway. So he convinced Hux to skip the last classes and dragged
him to the coffee shop were he had arranged everything.
 
No Hux was sitting besides a guys, pay a lot of attention on the way his lips
were moving while he was telling the younger boy some story Hux couldn't care
less. The ginger mimicked his actions when the other boy's tongue slide on his
lips. He had a beautiful sun kissed skin and warm and really clear hazel eyes
and was a couple of years older than Hux. He also had strong arm with broad
hands, one of which was on Hux's small waist, keeping him close.
 
Mitaka was very clever indeed. The coffee shop was a very reclusive place that
always had little to no customers at the afternoon and was their very favorite
place to have dates. Their favorite table on the far back was always free for
them and they could have some privacy to make out, as long as they didn't go
too far. His date hands pulled him close and Hux smiled. He kept smiling until
the other boy – whose name he thought to be Dylan but he wasn't really sure –
got close enough to capture Hux's lips on his own. The ginger was complaint and
docile. He let Dylan's tongue play with his and twirl on his mouth and only
shivered a little when Dylan's right hand adventured under Hux's shirt.
 
“Don't get to excited.” the older boy teased. He capture Hux's right lobe in
between his teeth and let it go slowly. The ginger reacted with a giggle. He
couldn't deny the excitement on his body. His head cocked a little to his left
and he enjoyed Dylan's soft neck kisses with an open mouth and half-lidded
eyes. He watched Mitaka enjoy his own date on the next table. Besides the four
of them and the owners on the counter – who were too busy and too well paid not
to care about their doings – nobody else was there.
 
Maybe, Hux thought, that was the reason why he saw him coming in. The thin
tinkle of the bell door caught the ginger attention as Kylo Ren got inside and
asked for a coffee at the exact moment Dylan – somehow – found his most
sensitive spot. He suppressed a moan biting his bottom lip right at the moment
Kylo's eyes met his.
 
Hux had no reaction. He waited for Kylo to do something but the tall brunet
only rose his eyebrow, turned around and decided to sit on the other side of
the coffee shop. The younger boy couldn't be more thankful for that. One hour
later Kylo got up, payed for his coffee and walked away. At the same moment
Mitaka and Hux exchanged glares but said nothing. The date was pleasurable
enough to almost cause Hux to lost track of time. One hour later, he finally
said goodbye to Dylan and the others and left. The sun was saying goodbye by
painting a lovely tone of orange in the sky. He ran to the bus stop not wanting
to lose the next bus only to find his effort to be in vain. When he got there,
the bus was already leaving. He sat down with a sigh and closed his eyes,
trying to breath properly.
 
The smell of smoke troubled him and when he glared at his side, ready to start
an argument with whoever was smoking right beside him, he was surprised.
 
Casually beside him, with a cigarette on his right hand and a look that was a
mix of astonishment and delight, Kylo Ren was sitting.
Chapter End Notes
     i'm sorry.
     I completely lost control of this plot and I don't know where it is
     going.
     And about all thoses grammar mistakes: Im more then sorry.
     Any ideas and sugestions are very welcome and will be very loved. An
     you can talk to me here or at tumblr ( http://lii-mao.tumblr.com )
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
That's awkward, Hux thought watching as Kylo's lips part to let smoke escape.
At first he was trying to find something to say but then maybe silence was the
best now. He could say he was sorry for what Kylo saw inside the coffee shop
but that would be a lie and he was old enough not to lie about his life in that
matter. And again, Kylo was nothing more than a platonic crush and he shouldn't
have to feel obligated to give him any explanations.
 
But then again there was this compelling need to talk to the dark haired boy
and explain himself. And if that need alone didn't make him feel pathetic,
maybe the face he was doing as he stared at Kylo would do the job with only Hux
could see it. If first he had shown any acknowledgment of Hux's presence, now
Kylo was pretending not to notice him. He was facing forward while Hux's eyes
were scanning his profile and when the awkward silence felt too much, he raised
his eyebrow and looked at the ginger boy through the side of his eyes. “What?”
 
“Nothing.” he answered right away. Only now he realized he was staring so he
sat straight and looked away. “Sorry for staring.”
 
“Well, I could say the same.” the taller boy said, with a sigh. He put out the
cigarette by stepping on it.
 
“About that...” he started. Hesitation filled his mouth and stole the air of
his lungs.
 
“You don't really have to give me explanations.”
 
“I know.” he said running his fingers through his hair. “I just don't want you
to think...” but then he stopped himself realizing he didn't actually know what
he didn't want Kylo to think about him. He faced the older boy, who was waiting
for the rest of his speech and shrugged. “You know what? You are right. I don't
really need to give explanations.”
 
Much for his surprise – and delight – Kylo giggled.
 
“You are quite strange.”
 
“Am I?”
 
The tall boy nod with a smile and as much as Hux didn't want to admit, he felt
his heart skip a beat.
 
Oh, I'm fucked, he thought.
 
His fingers were still trying to fix his hair although there was no single lock
of hair that were misplaced. He should just calm down and wait his bus to show
up in silence. If he was lucky enough, either his or Kylo's bus would come and
that horrible situation would be over in a blink of an eye.
 
“Can you stop?” Kylo's voice broke the silence. “You've been fixing your hair
for like ten minutes now. It's really annoying. I mean...there is nothing wrong
with your hair.”
 
Without further thinking, he run his finger through his hair again, messing his
locks now. Some of them fell over his eyes as a ginger curtain and he felt
slightly ridiculous when he turned his head defiantly to Kylo, softly raising
his chin and one of his eyebrows. “Well, there is now.”
 
The locks over his eyes were the ones Kylo decided to pick. His fingers lifted
them so he could face the younger one. “You're an idiot.” he said, getting
close to the ginger boy. Kylo was laughing and he had never been so close to
Hux as now there were only few centimeters between the top of his nose and
Hux's. Even in the dim lighted bus stop Hux could see Kylo's dark piercing eyes
and they were so close and so warm and even though Hux disliked cigarettes, the
lingered scent of those on Kylo's mouth was incredibly alluring.
 
Feeling his face get red, he pulled Kylo away. “Shut up!” and then retook his
task to fix his hair again. Kylo was still looking at him. “I'm not gonna mess
up my hair again.” he snap.
 
“You are such a weird kid.” the taller one teased.
 
“Considering you're not that older than me...” he started, crossing his arms
and turning his head to face Kylo again. “Maybe you shouldn't call me kid,
should you, Ren?” the defying look on his face slowly faded away when Kylo
leaned in to him and captured a lock of his hair on his fingers again.
 
“This time you didn't do it right.” he said, putting the lock behind Hux's left
ear. When he did so, his index fingertip brushed against Hux's earlobe. It was
like an electric sparkle and Hux couldn't bare to stare at the quarterback.
 
A bus passed through the bus stop breaking the mood, its sound got Kylo to
stiffen on his position as he realized he was still leaning on to Hux.
 
“What bus are you waiting?”
 
“82 Starkiller St. You?”
 
“Same.”
 
It was a lie and as soon as it slipped out of his lips, he felt ridiculous. Hux
was staring at him with one eyebrow raised and a delighted look on his face as
if he was ready to yell 'AHÁ!' and tell Kylo he was a horrible liar.
 
“Com'on.” the ginger said. “The rich kid living in a neighborhood like
Starkiller? Cut it out.”
 
“You got me.”
 
“You probably live in some really fancy place over Republic st or Naboo
st...right?”
 
“Got me again.” Kylo answered, crossing his arms. “It's actually really close
from here.” he confessed. “I could go home walking.”
 
“And why don't you?” he asked before he could stop himself. Fast, before Kylo
could do or say anything, Hux's fingers grabbed Kylo's shirtsleeve. “I'm not
telling you to go away, ok?”
 
Kylo nod. “Actually...I don't wanna go home.” he said, shrugging.
 
He expected Hux to say something salty. To be suspicious of his reasons or
something like that. Truth was that nobody could understand why he would avoid
going home. Especially because he was rich and lived in such a comfortable
house. But Hux only shrugged.
 
“So don't go home.” he said. “I mean....it's still quite early anyway. And
there is a lot of place you can go. I don't know.” he finished shrugging.
 
“This sounded like you were trying to ask me on a date.” Kylo said.
 
The ginger boy was extremely envious of the way Kylo Ren could act like the
coolest person ever. While Hux was trying to sound eloquent and prevent himself
from stuttering, Kylo seemed to be unaffected by his presence. Every little
movement was so fluid and perfect it seemed to Hux that that was nothing in
this world that could hit him. The way his hand searched his cigarettes on his
pocket and the way his puffy lips would hold one of it on them as Kylo tried to
lit it.
 
“Can you not?”
 
“What?”
 
“The cigarette.” he explained. “I hate those.”
 
“Oh...” he said, but he didn't put the cigarette away. “Well...your bus is here
anyway so...” he waited for the bus to stop and Hux to get inside and as the
door was closing, Hux saw him finally light it up. His eyes stuck on Kylo until
he couldn't see him anymore.
 
Alone at the back of the bus, he discretely passed his fingertips on his
earlobe trying to emulate the feelings he had when Kylo's fingers did the same.
Cold butterflies flew on his stomach and he couldn't pretend nothing was
happening. That silly crush was definitely becoming something stronger and he
should avoid it at all costs.
 
But again, Kylo's warmth was so inviting. He could actually imagine himself
tasting Kylo. And the idea was quite pleasant. Rubbing his face, he tried to
focus on something else but his imagination got the best of him. He could
actually imagine what Kylo's lips would taste like and how he would want they
all over himself. His neck was still a little bit sensitive from his date with
Dylan and if Hux closed his eyes he could imagine Kylo were the one kissing and
biting his sensitive spot.
He could imagine Kylo's lips getting down on him slowly, enjoying very little
piece of his body. Licking and kissing and mostly biting. Giving hickeys and
leaving marks on his snow white skin.
 
He forced himself to stop before he started to think what would those puffy
lips do once they got down his waist. Hux was not very fond of the idea of
getting an erection on public transport. If only the bus driver could go a
little bit faster his torture would end sooner. He just wanted someone to
scratch his skin and leave a collar of hickeys on his neck and blow him and
make him cum. He was not asking for much more than that.
He was desperate when the bus finally got to his stop. He walked as fast as he
could the last meters to his house and ran straight to his bedroom, ignoring
his sister who as asking something but he didn't even care because he had to
touch himself at that exact moment or else he would explode in a zillion of
sexually frustrated glitter sized pieces.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
He was ready for weird looks, smirks and even some mockery when he get to
school the next day. When Kylo walked in on the cafeteria and walked towards
them, Hux realized he was holding his breath. Phasma, by his side, was greeting
their friend with a smile. Kylo Ren sat down right before him, greeting him
with a nod. He didn't smirk or say anything, to which Hux felt thankful. The
blonde lady started a conversation with Kylo and all his attention was put on
her, which was fine because would give Hux enough space to stare at his face.
Mitaka got to the place five minutes later. He exchanged glares with the ginger
boy and smirk as he noticed Kylo Ren was sitting with them again, but he didn't
mention anything as he sat down beside Hux and politely greeted everyone.
 
“I'll explain later.” Hux muttered between his teeth.
 
At least now that Mitaka was there too, Hux was feeling more comfortable. The
conversation was easy when Mitaka was around because the asian boy was so funny
and careless.
 
“Hey, aren't those your friends?” he asked at some point. Sitting at their
usual table, Poe and Rey were deliberately trying to avoid looking at Kylo.
 
“Yeah.” he said with a sigh. “I should probably go sit with them.”
“Or maybe you should ask them to sit with us.” he could never be more grateful
for Phasma's wonderful reaction time. Both boys endorsed Phasma's idea of
inviting them over and Hux watched as a faint smile slowly grew on Kylo's lips.
 
“I suppose I can try.” he said, but Hux was sure he would do his best to
achieve his new goal. As he walked away, Mitaka, who was delightfully watching
his friend make a complete silly of himself, elbowed Hux on his waist.
 
“Your obsessed self is showing.” he teased, smirking, leading the ginger boy to
roll his eyes in discontentment. “Can you at least pretend you don't have a
crush on him? Don't be so obvious. It's pretty embarrassing.”
 
Phasma, sitting on Hux's side was giggling. “Don't tease the kid, Mitaka.”
 
“Screw both of you.” he discretely watched as Kylo tried to convince his
brother and sister but it didn't seemed to Hux that the brunet would be
successful. He bit his lips. It would be pretty good if everyone could get
along just fine. Because, among of other things, it would give him more time
with Kylo and he wouldn't be against it.
 
On the other table, Kylo was having a hard time to convince Rey to do that for
him already. “Com'on. Can't you just do it?”
 
She was frowning, visibly pissed off. “I don't even know why you're hanging out
with them!” she said “It's not like they are your friends anyway.”
 
Poe, extremely uncomfortable with the turn the conversation has taken, decided
to aid his brother. “Rey. Don't.”
 
“What? So now I'm supposed to act like they are Ben's best friends and they all
gonna hang out all the time?”
 
“Ben can have his own friends, ok?” Poe said, a little bit pissed. Rey was
always so possessive of everyone on their family. She would always pout and
complain every time he and Kylo got someone else to talk to. Poe was the one
who would handle her better but Ben would always fall on her possessiveness and
he would always end up feeling a little bit guilty. He stood up, grabbing his
lunch. “I'm gonna sit with them, so now you can decide if you gonna join us or
stay by yourself over here.”
 
Kylo could see his cousin were confused and divided for a moment. In her
defense, she wasn't trying to be pushy or manipulative, she was just having a
hard time to accept the fact that Ben was swaying further away from them. And
on top of that, he was now getting close to the one girl Rey didn't want to
spend more time with. She bit her lip preventing her words to come out. She had
lost the battle already and she knew that and she looked right into Poe's eyes
and crossed her arms. “Enjoy your meal with your new friends.” she snap before
turning her face back to her food.
 
“Com'on, Ben.” Poe said after Kylo refused to move. “She wants to be alone?
Leave her be. No wonder she doesn't have friends.”
 
Kylo knew she was seriously angry by the way she was twitching her lips and the
fire in her eyes. Rey stared, deadly, as Poe walked away from them slowly and
the her eyes turned to her other cousin and she crossed her arms. “Your friends
are waiting for you, aren't they?”
 
“Rey-” he tried to say anything, but Rey didn't let him.
 
“Just go, Ben.” she said, softly, before getting up and leave her cousin
behind. Kylo watched her without knowing if following her would be the best.
She could feel four pairs of eyes on his back and he turned around to meet the
group, excepting Poe, staring at him. He walked back and sat down, sighing.
 
“I guess it didn't go well.” Phasma said, apologetically.
 
For his own surprise, he smiled. “It was a fiasco. But I supposed I should have
seen it coming.” he ran his fingers through his hair. “Anyway, that's my
brother Poe.”
 
“He already introduced himself to us.” Phasma said. “And he's coming to the
game Saturday, right, Poe?”
 
“What game?”
 
“Seriously, Ren. You should really pay attention sometimes.” the blonde girl
teased. “I'm talking about my game. Saturday. You're coming, right?”
 
“I guess so.”
 
“You have to. Since my lovely brother won't be there to cheer for me, I got to
have my friends there.”
 
“You're not going?”
 
It was the first proper thing Kylo had said to him all day. He gulp, shrugging
and focus his eyes on his food. “I have work.” he said and it was not an
excuse. He would rather be at Phasma's game then be working, but money was
getting short on their household and they need to work part time to assure they
could maintain themselves. “I'll try to leave early so I can go and see you,
ok?”
 
Mitaka – who was awfully quiet – rolled his eyes. When the subject changed and
everyone else was caught on another conversation, he softly whispered to his
friend. “You should call in sick.”
 
“And then what? Lose the job?”
 
“Well, you hate to work there anyway.”
 
“I can't lie about that.” he said, shrugging again. “But I do need the money.”
 
Again, his friend rolled his eyes. Mitaka fixed his hair behind his ear and
looked at Hux very seriously – yet still softly -. “You know I can lend yo-”
 
“I don't take money from no one.”
 
“I said lend, Hux.” he snaps, crossing his arms. “And I'm your friend. You
should stop being stubborn!” he teased, poking his ginger friend on his ribs.
On his turn, Hux pushed Mitaka's head, messing up his black hair, to which
Mitaka laughed. “You are such a child!”
 
“You started it, Mitaka!” Hux said with a delighted smile. He knew far too well
that the hair was Mitaka's great weakness. “Don't complain!”
 
In a matter of a second Mitaka's arm were around Hux's neck. He took a hold of
the ginger's head and used his other hand to retaliate and tousle Hux orange
hair. His eyes then caught the suspicious small bruise on Hux's pale neck and
Mitaka smirked. Being the teaser he was, he got his mouth close to Hux's ear
and whispered very calmly “I seems you really enjoyed Dylan, didn't you?” and
he was pleased to see Hux turn red. He was caught, on the side of his eye, the
way Kylo Ren was watching their interaction.
 
Hux squirmed away form him, gigling, face all red. His eyes met Kylo's and he
looked away elbowing Mitaka's arm. “Quit it.”
 
“Okay, okay.” he said, raising his hands. He started to get up, pulling Hux by
the arm. “We should get going anyway. If we get late, professor Ahsoka will
probably kill us.”
 
“She would probably kill anyway if only she was not so fond of her job.” he
shrugged. “See you guys later.” he said before Mitaka could drag him away from
the table, but then he turned back and waved to Poe. “And it was nice to meet
you.”
 
The following Friday was quite dull. Neither Kylo nor Poe had come to school
and they haven't seen Rey also so the two of them – Mitaka was busy with some
weird shit – had lunch by themselves. It was silence and boring because Phasma
was too worried about her game and Hux was too annoyed to start a conversation.
He wouldn't say it out loud, but he got used to Kylo's presence on their table
by lunchtime and now that he was absent, he was quite crossed about it.
 
When Saturday come, he was expecting everything to went well so he could leave
work soon and be able to actually see Phasma's volleyball match, but as the
hour passed and impatience grew in him, he was getting more and more resigned
to the fact that he would definitely miss her play. “Com'on Nwanda!” he plead.
“My shift is gonna be over in two hours! Can't you just help me out?”
 
“Ginger, look around! We are full!” he said. He was a tall massive man with
some scary look on his face and a small scar on his chin. His black hair was
getting a little bit of gray his temples, his mustache, on the other hand, was
still dark as charcoal. He was usually very soft despite his looks and he would
always be very understanding of his employees. But today he could do nothing to
help his ginger waiter. The small dinner was full. “There is nothing I can do,
Ginger. I'm sorry.” the owner of the Two Whales Dinner looked at Hux with a
soft apologetic smile and handed him the tray.
 
Fine, Hux thought. There would be other games. There would be other opportunity
to be there for Phasma. Today, there was nothing he could do.
 
At six o'clock, when his shift was finally over, Hux was exhausted. He took the
garbage outside, dumping the two heavy black trash bags on the big trashcan and
took some time to stretch himself. He moaned as he stretched his shoulders and
back muscles, feeling them burn. All he needed by now was to take a very long
shower and sleep for three days straight. He was still moaning softly when he
walked back in, taking of the apron. The two boys from the night shift were
there already and they both greeted Hux with devilish smiles that didn't work
on disguising their intentions.
 
But Hux should have seen it coming anyway. That's what you get when you decide
to fool around and hook up with your work colleagues. He shrugged and collected
his things to finally go home.
 
Outside the dinner, Phasma was waiting for him. She greeted him with a big
smile and hugged him. “We won!” she shouted, passionately. “We are going to
finals!” she passed her big strong arm around him and gave Hux a warm hug,
which was such an unusual attitude for her.
 
“That's fucking awesome!” was all Hux could say, smiling. Only then he noticed
Kylo and Poe just a few steps away from them. They were quietly waiting, Poe
with his hands on his pockets looked like he was waiting his queue to say
something and Kylo, two steps behind him, was too busy with his cigarette to
actually look at them. But nevertheless it looked like Phasma actually did had
people to cheer for her at the game. “Where is Mitaka?” he asked when Phasma
finally let him out of her hug.
 
“He had a thing with someone and he left earlier.” she said, still smiling. “We
decided to pick you up to celebrate.”
 
“I'm so tired, Phas...”
 
“Come on, brother.” she pulled him by his right arm. Hux was ready to complain
but he was sure there would be nagging if he did so he just shrugged and accept
to follow them to wherever they decide to take him. He could only hope not to
fall asleep in the middle of the so called celebration.
 
Phasma instantly got into a very energetic talk with Poe and as they walk side
by side, Hux was left behind with Kylo.
 
“You look really tired.” Kylo pointed out. He was walking slower than usual to
keep up with the tired rhythm of Hux's steps.
 
“Well, I'm exhausted.” he complained. “I didn't got a minute to sit down and
rest the whole day.”
 
Kylo exhaled trying not to let the smoke his Hux's face. “I can carry you on my
back with you're that tired.” he said, after a minute of consideration. For his
surprise, the ginger laughed.
 
“I'd rather preserve the last drop of dignity I have, Ren.” when Kylo looked
over to him as he was repressing a laughter, Hux mumbled. “Don't look at me
like that. I still have some dignity.”
 
“I wouldn't say so.” Kylo snorted.
 
Hux mimicked his acted and crossed his arms. His left eyebrow arched. “Why
not?”
 
Kylo stopped right in front of him, exhaled smoke again and smirked. “I just
don't think that making out with someone on a coffee shop is something someone
trying to preserve their dignity would do.”
 
Hux had to admit that Kylo got him this time. He was speechless for a moment
but he kept a straight face and pretended like it didn't matter. “Jealous,
much?”
 
“Are you two coming or not?” Poe shouted on the distance. There was a moment
that only last a second where Kylo looked straight at his eyes and Hux
shivered. Then it was gone and Kylo walked away.
 
By the time they got to the place they chose – that by Hux's surprise was an
ice cream shop – Hux was already regretting to decline Kylo's offer. He sighed,
closing his eyes for a moment. He was also pissed. I mean, there were fewer
lame things to do than grab ice cream in a Saturday night. He felt like some
weird nerd character from some 90”s tv show. “I can't believe you dragged me
here to get ice cream.” he snarled to his sister.
 
“Stop being ungrateful and enjoy the fact that you are hanging out with Kylo
Ren on a Saturday night.” she mumbled with a soft smile. Hux discretely looked
over to Kylo, who was finishing his cigarette outside and moaned.
 
“I'm exhausted, Phas.”
 
“Quit whining!” elbowing his arm, she walked into the shop dragging Poe with
her.
 
Hux sighed again.
 
“We should go in.” Kylo said. He had finished his cigarette and now he was
standing beside Hux. “But it looks like you're about to run away.”
 
“I would if I could even move my legs properly.” Hux giggled. He yawned and
Kylo couldn't help but think he was actually really cute. In some sort of way.
“I mean...it's Saturday night, you know? And we are about to get ice cream.
This is pretty lame even for me.” he explained. “And I'm not even the
quarterback.”
 
Kylo crossed his arms and looked at him with a delighted expression in his
face. “What? Are you one of this cool kids who is too good for things like ice
cream?”
 
“First of all: it's really weird when you call me 'kid', cause you sound like
my dad.” he started. Hux shove his hands on his pockets and shrugged. “You are
the quarterback, Ren. You're the cool kid, by definition.”
 
“Yeah. Maybe without that thing on my face.” he said, before walking in. “Come
on.”
 
Hux shrugged before following him in.
Chapter End Notes
     I still didn't quite get the hang of this thing. I'm kinda lost.
     I'm sorry.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     This is horribly big and poorly written.
     Again, I sorry.
     It's 6 am.
     Im dead.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
 
“This totally counts as a date!” Mitaka grinned. He was lied down on Hux's bed,
with his hands behind his head. Hux, lying just beside him, rolled his eyes and
covered his face with his pillow. “You were on a date with Kylo Ren!”
 
 
“It was not a date!” he groaned, tossing his pillow at Mitaka. “We went to an
ice cream shop together. It was only that!”
 
 
“It sounds like a date from a romcom movie.” Mitaka said. He sat up and studied
Hux's face. “Don't try to deny it!”
 
 
“I was exhausted and all I wanted was to come home and sleep for days.”
 
 
“So you're telling me that your date with Kylo Ren was horrible. Is that so?”
 
 
“That was not a date!” Hux shouted. “His brother was there and Phasma as well.
It was not a date!” he covered his face so Mitaka wouldn't see him blushing.
“That was not a date!”
 
 
“You say that but I know you are blushing. Covering your face won't change the
fact that you are all red, Armitage!” Mitaka leaned over Hux, passed his leg
over Hux's body and proceed to attack him right at his most ticklish spot until
Hux's voice was nothing but a high pitched chant begging Mitaka to stop. He
then lied down beside him again, laughing. “You had a date with Kylo Ren.”
 
 
Hux only nodded. He was having a hard time to get his breath again because his
heart would skip a beat every time he thought about Kylo and Mitaka wasn't
helping. He sighed and bit his lower lip to prevent a devilish grin to show up.
Mitaka elbowed him.
 
 
“I'm jealous.” he confessed. “Ren is really hot.”
 
 
“He is also heterosexual, Mitaka.”
 
 
“I don't really think he is...”
 
 
“You only think he is bi because you like to feed your own delusional
fantasies.” he said.
 
Mitaka turned to face him. “Ok, but let's assume he is bi...”
 
 
“He's not.”
 
 
“Bare. With. Me.” Mitaka hit his arm on every word he said.
 
 
“Okay. Okay!” Hux was still chuckling.
 
 
“Then you would have been on a date with him.”
 
 
This time he couldn't refrain the big smile that grew on his face. Hux felt his
face getting warmer again and he covered it one more time to try to avoid all
the thought on his head. Mitaka always had this annoyingly good way to get him
excited about this that he knew very well to be off his reach. Like Kylo Ren
was.
 
 
As if he was able to read his mind, Mitaka softly pulled his hands away from
his red face and brushed off a lock of hair from his forehead and then pressed
the tip of his index on Hux's head. “I know you're thinking that Ren is out of
your league.” he stated. Indeed Mitaka knew Hux profoundly. “Don't go on giving
up on things just because you feel insecure about them, ok?”
 
 
Hux felt like he should probably say something on his behalf but there was
nothing he could say that Mitaka wouldn't have a perfect response for. He
smiled and closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Mitaka laid back again,
sighing. “You still have to give me all the sordid details of you very romantic
date with our dear quarterback.”
 
 
“There are no sordid details, Mitaka.”
 
 
“Don't lie to me, Ginger!”
 
 
“Seriously.” he shrugged. “I have nothing to say. We sat there and talked.
Actually, I mostly only listened.” he stated. Hux opened his eyes to face the
ceilling. “And he stood there, quietly observing everything. He has a really
intense gaze, you know? Like he is trying very hard to see things through a
veil.” he waited for Mitaka to make some salty remark but nothing happened.
“And that was it. Just that. We got ice cream with his brother and my sister
and we barely talked to each other.”
 
 
“That was the most disappointing date report I've ever heard in my entire life,
Armitage.”
 
 
“Don't call me Armitage!”
 
 
“No. You don't deserve consideration.” Mitaka was devastated. “I can't believe
you wasted a nice and romantic – and ok, very cliché – date with Kylo Ren and
you didn't even made a move on him!” he got up to start walking around the
room, lecturing Hux about how silly he was and how he should have done
something to at least enjoy the time he had with Kylo.
 
 
“I was too tired to think about it, Mitaka!” Hux explained himself, sitting up
and holding his pillow against his chest.
 
 
“So you should have asked him to carry you around.” the asian boy said. “Maybe
he would find this weird but at least you would seem to be funny.”
 
 
“Well...”
 
 
“What?” Mitaka turned his attention to Hux and when he bit his lips, he kneel
at the mattress right in front of him. “Did you actually asked him to carry you
around?”
 
 
“He offered himself actually.”
 
 
“No fucking way!” thrilled, Mitaka jumped back up. “So what did you do?”
 
 
“I declined.”
 
 
“YOU DID WHAT?” it was unusual to see Mitaka so frustrated. He rubbed his face
with both hands and stared at Hux in disbelief. “You wasted the perfect excuse
to have you legs around Kylo Ren's waist and you have the audacity to tell me
this with that straight face?” Hux's mouth opened to give an excuse but Mitaka
didn't let him talk. “If you tell me you were tired one more time...”
 
 
“I'm sorry!”
 
 
“You should be, you coward!” he teased. Then he jumped back on the bed, sitting
beside Hux. “You should ask him out again. Like actually ask him out now.”
 
 
“Mitaka...”
 
 
 
“Don't. Hux, you gotta stop being such a coward. Ask him out. You don't have to
ask him on a date romantically talking, ok? Just...i don't know...invite him to
get ice cream again.” he suggested. “I mean...at least now you know he likes
it. You may as well ask him to go with you.”
 
 
Hux simply shrugged. “I don't think he would say yes.”
 
 
“Ginger, we are talking about the boy who leaned over you on a dim bus stop to
fix your hair.” he said. “The guy has been around you and Phasma for weeks. I
have no idea why he keep hanging out with you two. Their assignment is over,
but he is still around. And I don't think he is into Phasma or else he would
have asked her out already.”
 
 
Hux nodded.
 
 
“Just ask him out and try to figure it out.” Mitaka continued. “Yes, there is a
slight possibility that he only want you as a friend. But that is one more
reason for you to go and find out. If he says he only wants to be your friend,
at least you'll be free to get rid of this crush you have on him.”
 
 
After a long silence pause, Hux laid his head on Mitaka's shoulder. “You seem
awfully bold this days.” he said, to what his friend chuckled.
 
 
“I know.”
 
 
“Anything you may want to share with you best friend?”
 
 
“Nothing. For now.”
 
===============================================================================
 
 
His hands were grasping the wheel tightly.
 
Breath in. Breath out. Drive off the road and collapse. Crash the car. Make it
stop. All would be okay once it was finally over.
 
Fear was burning inside him.
 
Breath in. There was a voice in his head that sounded like a chant asking him
to turn the wheel and drive off the road. Into the water. Dark deep cold water
that would feel like a soft pillow and the darkness would embrace him like a
lost son. And every time he remembered Han's words would be like a dagger on
his stomach. He bit his lip until he could taste blood.
 
Breath out. Drive off the road and collapse. Crash the car. Make it stop. All
would be okay once it was finally over. His wet face was contorted in despair.
The ominous chant still echoing in his head. Drive off the road. Crash. Make it
stop. Kylo's hands were shaking.
 
 
He should get away. Leave and never return. His family would be better if he
left them behind and take all his troubles with him. There would be no more
arguments and no more crisis.
 
Drive off the road and collapse. Crash the car. Make it stop. All would be okay
once it was finally over.
 
 
They had Poe to play the part of the perfect talented kid and they had Rey to
be the sweet happy little girl. There were no space for him anyway. He would
have to go. They didn't want him there anymore.
 
 
Han's words on his head. Spinning around.
 
 
Blood on his mouth. Metallic and warm.
 
 
The wheel on his hands.
 
 
And a wrong turn. Much more severe that he thought it would be. And Kylo knew,
even before the car start to slide, that he wouldn't make it, but when it
started to turn, he held his breath in anticipation anyway. His body jerked as
the car started to overturn. The front glass shattered and he closed his eyes
to protect them. The seat belt swung, ignored. Then his head hit something and
all went blurry. He tried. He tried really hard to get out of the car but his
whole body decided not to obey.
 
A warm wound on his face. Pain coming up like vomit on his throat as he tried
to yell for help but no one listened.
 
No one was there.
 
No one cared.
 
He was ultimately alone.
 
 
 
 
Kylo's eyes flashed open and he sat up trying to breath properly. His shaking
hand on his chest as he tried to tell himself he was safe. It was just another
nightmare and he had to calm down now. He stumbled off the bed and rushed to
the bathroom noticing his legs were trembling too much and his stomach were
about to explode at the exact moment he placed his head over the toilet. That
was the worse every single time. The humiliating feeling of inadequacy. At
least this time he was home, at his on bedroom, all by himself and not at the
middle of the street while everyone passing by would look at him and see some
hangover kid throwing up booze. At least now he wasn't at the middle of a
family dinner, rushing away from the table to hide at the bathroom and getting
everyone worried about him.
 
 
Kylo wiped his mouth with the back of his hand when he finished. The acidic
taste on his tongue would be there for hours, he was sure. Testing his legs, he
tried to get up and splash some cold water on his face.
 
 
The exact moment of the accident imprinted on his brain. He could have
prevented it all if he wasn't driving so fast. If he wasn't so mad with Han.
There was a large collection of 'ifs' that would change the results of said
day. If only he didn't get the car that day. If only he didn't decide to leave.
 
 
There was vomit on his hair, he noticed as he looked on the mirror. He was a
complete mess. The dark circles under his eyes were a visual proof of his
tiredness and the remaining teardrops on his eyelashes were one more thing to
make Kylo look like a train wreck. He dragged himself to the shower and groaned
as the hot water chastised his back. He only went out when the water was
cooling and his body was already all red. Then he went back to his bedroom,
grabbed his phone and tossed himself on bed, sighing. There was nothing
important on social media, nothing he wanted to watch on Netflix and no new
music video on Youtube. The desert hours until dawn came were filled with
nothing and he passed them staring at the darkness until the clarity started to
break through the drapes and draw patterns on his walls.
 
 
By that time he wasn't shaking anymore. The disgusting feeling of danger were
finally gone. Kylo buried his face on the pillow. He was fine now. He had
survived another day. Everything would be alright as soon as everyone was up
and the house started to get noisy again and then he could fill the blank space
on his head with white noise and push away all those memories.
 
Slowly Kylo was lulled back to sleep by his own steady breath rhythm. When he
woke up again the sun was high on the sky and Leia was knocking on his door.
She peeked her head in and smile as she noticed her son to be awake. Kylo sat
up as she walked in as sat beside him. Leia run her fingers on his hair and
softly smile. “I was wondering if you were hungry.”
 
 
He shook his head and closed his eyes and her hand slid down and cup his face.
There were days when her touch would be too much to bare so Kylo was glad to
noticed that he could enjoy the warmth of his mother's hand on his face without
wanting to run away. Leia's thumb caressed his cheek softly.
 
 
“You could get downstairs and spend some time with your family, couldn't you,
baby?” she softly plead. She kept her smile even when Kylo opened his eyes to
glare at her. “I miss having you around. You can't blame me for that.”
 
 
 
“I have been around.” he shrugged.
 
 
“I mean voluntarily, Ben.”
 
 
There it was. That annoying tone of judgment on her words that felt like a
needle on his veins. Stealth but dangerous.
 
 
“Mom, I...”
 
 
“I'm not trying to start and argument, Ben.” Leia said. She took off her hand
from his face and exhaled. Her tiredness was also visible and Kylo realized
that she looked like someone who had seen a lot of ugly things on life. Even
though her face was still soft and she had an air of kindness on her mouth, she
was definitely someone strong and he could see it by the age marks around her
eyes. She looked older than Kylo remembered her to be. Suddenly he was hit by
the astonishing realization that eventually she would be gone and that thought
alone made his spine cold. Unaware of his deep thoughts, Leia completed. “I
only want to spend more time with you. It has been a while since the last time
we all gathered together to talk.”
 
 
“I have nothing to say.” he shrugged again, pulling his knees onto his chest.
“I don't really like these things, you know that!”
 
 
Kylo knew she had a lot of things to say yet, but she just bit her lip and
leaned in to kiss his forehead. “It's ok, darling.”
 
 
Leia left before her son could gather the courage to ask her to stay. Once she
was gone, Kylo fell back to bad and stared at the ceiling. To be truth, he was
being extremely unfair to his mother and that thought alone was what made Kylo
get up, wash his face and go downstairs to spend some time with his family.
Leia's big bright smile when he walked in made Kylo's heart melt. She tapped a
place beside her for him to sit and when he did so, she softly pet his legs,
still smiling. Fortunately for him, Leia was by herself.
 
 
“I'm happy you decided to get downstairs for a while, darling.” she said. Leia
closed the book she was reading marking the page with her index finger and
stared at her son with nothing but love on her eyes. Kylo's stomach flutter a
little bit bu he managed to smirk back at her. “Do you wanna talk or...?”
 
 
He shrugged. “I can just watch you read.”
 
 
Leia's eyebrow raised in disbelief but Kylo assured her he was fine with just
sitting in silence watching her read her book. “I can read it out loud if you
want me to.” she offered.
 
 
“Isn't that poetry, is it?”
 
 
“No. It's not poetry, Benjamin.”
 
 
“They you might read it to me.” the crooked smile on his face resembled Leia of
Han's. They were very much alike from their gestures to their personality. Kylo
slid on the sofa until he could rest his head on Leia's shoulder and closed his
eyes when she started to read. They spend a lovely time together where all the
noise was Leia's sweet voice and he felt safe beside her. At some point she
stopped, closed the book and leaned her head to rest it on top of Kylo's. “I
miss you, darling.” she confessed.
 
 
“I'm sorry.”
 
 
“You are always sorry, Ben.” sighing, she hold his hand on hers. “But you keep
shutting me out. You keep pushing everyone away from you.”
 
 
Kylo rolled his eyes and stormed up, getting away from her. “Can you just not
start this conversation?”
 
 
“Benjamin, there are things we have to talk about!”
 
 
“I don't want to talk about this!” he yelled. “Why don't you see it?”
 
 
“So I'm supposed to sit here and watch my son get lost on his own mind and do
nothing only because you don't feel like talking? Is that so, Ben?” Leia
inquired. She got up too and glared at him with fire on her eyes. “Am I
supposed to give up on you? Is that what you asking me to do?”
 
 
“I'm asking you to stop trying to pull me into a conversation I already told
you I don't want to have. Especially with you.” rubbing his face, he started to
walk around the living room trying to calm himself down. “You want me to talk?
Fine. You can spend your precious money on some stupid shrink so they can
analyze my brain and tell you I'm mental! Is that what you need? Another
diagnose?”
 
 
“This has nothing to do with what I was saying, Benjamin!” she defended
herself. “I only want you to talk to me. I want to know about your life, about
you. I barely see you all week. Every time I come home you are either sleeping
or gone. I feel like we haven't had a conversation in ages.” her voice failed.
“You are still my son, Ben. I just want you to let me be part of your life. Is
that too much to ask?”
 
 
“I don't want you to.” he couldn't keep inside all the rage he was feeling. It
has grown on him like a tide and he overflown before he could make himself shut
up. Kylo watched as the realization of his words hit Leia on the face. Her eyes
widened as she was ready to say something but gave up. Devastated, she search
on his eyes for something that could tell her Kylo didn't mean it but all she
could find was the hardness of his emotionless stare. “I can handle my own
things. I don't need you.”
 
 
Leia braced herself. “Ben...”
 
 
But he was already walking away. At the front door he looked back at her,
divided between leaving and walking back to her and apologize for everything he
has said and exhaled. “This was a mistake.” he mumbled. “I don't think we can
have family time and pretend everything is fine.”
 
 
Kylo almost ran out of the house feeling his lungs getting squished.
 
 
“Oh, God, please, not again!” he felt his eyes start to get watery and his
throat threatened to shut. “Not again, not again.” he walked around the house
planning to get inside through the back door and avoid Leia. If he only he
could get to his room, he would be safe and Leia wouldn't know he was even
home. He could spend the whole day pretending to be out and nobody would
notice. But getting inside the house wasn't something as easy as he thought it
would be. His legs failed him and he fell to the ground, his hands preventing
him to hit his face on the grass, and the gag reflex made his stomach ache.
 
 
“Ben?”
 
 
He tilted his head to see Poe walking towards him hastily.
 
 
“Ben, are you okay?” Kylo's face turned red for the humiliation. Poe was the
last person he wanted to see him in a ridiculous situation such as. He tried to
say he was fine but the gag reflex made his body jerk once again. There was
nothing to put out but his body didn't mind that, every contraction would send
a wave of pain to his stomach and make his body tremble. Poe visibly didn't
know what to do, he crouched at his side and placed a hand on his brother's
back trying to soothe him. He waited patiently until the gag reflex were done
and Kylo started to breath more steadily to grab him by the arm and help him
up. “Come on.”
 
 
Reluctantly, Kylo accepted his brother help to get up. Even though Poe was a
lot shorter than him, his steady hands did a good job on holding him still.
“I'll get you inside, ok?” Kylo nodded and passively followed Poe inside the
house.
 
 
“I wanna go to my room.” he plead softly to which Poe complied. He leaded Kylo
to his room without making a noise and helped him to lied down. Once he was
better, he sat on the floor resting his back on Kylo's bed. After what it felt
like ages, Kylo's voice cut the silence. “Thank you.”
 
 
Poe held his own knees against his chest. “I thought you didn't have more
episodes like those.”
 
 
“What?”
 
 
Poe shrugged. “My room is right beside yours. Sometimes I wake up to the sound
of your vomiting.”
 
 
“I'm sorry...”
 
 
“I just thought you didn't have those anymore.” he said. Kylo watched the
ceiling trying to digest everything Poe was saying. “I always feel like coming
in and trying to help but I know you wouldn't like me to do so.” he
complemented.
 
 
There was a part on Kylo's mind that was screaming for him to say something.
Maybe to tell Poe that he wouldn't mind him coming to help or maybe thank him
again for being a genuinely nice guy. The other part, however, was telling him
to send him away. Hurt him like he had just hurt Leia because, in the end,
having Poe around would do nothing more than open more wounds on him and he had
to protect himself form everyone else. Confused and scared, he kept his silence
not being sure which part of him would win if he dared to open his mouth.
 
 
“I know you probably don't wanna hear this, Ben, but we are really here for
you. I'm here.” he mumbled. “Maybe we don't have the best relationship but I'm
still here. And I could help.”
 
 
“You're right.” he said, rolling to his side. “I don't want to hear this.” when
Poe didn't answer, Kylo sighed. “I'm fine now, Poe. You should go.”
 
 
The younger boy got up and softly placed his hand on his brother's shoulder. He
tried to think about something to say but nothing came to his mind and he
decided to leave Kylo alone. At the door he stopped for a minute and sighed.
“Call me if you get another of those, ok?” he didn't wait the answer he knew he
wouldn't get and left.
 
 
Moaning on the bed, Kylo braced himself and tried to ignore the pain on his
stomach and cried himself to sleep because everything felt too much for him to
handle. When he woke up again his room was submerse on the darkness. He fumbled
the mattress to find his phone and was surprised when the display showed him it
was past midnight. His sore muscles were a problem when he stood up and
stretched himself. Kylo walked out of the room quietly. If he was quick, he
could get downstairs and hit the kitchen, grab as much food as he could get and
run back to the safety of his room without seeing anyone. It was too early for
Rey to have her 3 am snack, his parents were probably sleeping by now and Poe
wasn't a problem. He tip toed to the middle of the stairs when he heard Han's
voice on the living room.
 
“This cannot keep happening, Leia!” he exclaimed. “You can't keep finding
excuses for his bad behavior.”
 
 
“I'm not finding excuses.”
 
 
“Of course you are. You are always trying to find something to explain his
behavior but it's time for you to accept that Ben is acting as a brat and we
gotta stop it!”
 
 
“He is fragile!”
 
 
“He is 17.” Han sounded pissed. “He is 17 and he is behaving like a child!”
 
 
“So what do you want me to do, huh? Yell at him? Start a fight? What should I
do, Han? Tell me!”
 
 
This time Han's voice lowered and he spoke much more softly “I just want you to
stop acting like Benjamin's actions are fine. And stop acting like he is not
hurting you. I can see in your eyes, princess. You were never good in hiding
this sort of things from me.”
 
 
Leia took her time to talk again. “He is hurt too, you know that.”
 
 
“He doesn't want our help. He doesn't let us help. Shit, Leia. We can't even
get close to him without starting a crisis.”
 
 
“So what? We sit here and watch our son kill himself right in front of us?”
 
 
“We've done everything we could.”
 
 
By that time, Kylo had sit on the stairs and was quietly listening. His shaking
hands were grasping on his knees and his wet eyes were blurring his vision.
 
 
“We could...get him professional help.”
 
 
“For what? He went to the shrink for months, Leia and what did we get? He tried
to overdose on his pills and we almost lost him. He can't be trusted with
pills. And even though we can make him go to the psychiatrist we can't make him
talk.”
 
 
After a minute, Leia talked again. Kylo was pretty sure, or as least he hoped
to be right, that Han was holding her. “I feel so...powerless...”
 
 
“I feel that too.”
 
 
Kylo dragged himself back to his room and buried himself again on his bed. Re
replayed Han's words on his head over and over and over until he could think of
nothing else. The hours passed him by and he stood awake, rolling on the bed,
headphones on and blasting music as loud as he ears could take. Morning came
and he wasn't feeling like getting up. He faked a sore throat to escape school
and enjoyed the empty house, only hiding back to his room when Han showed up at
lunch.
 
 
Han knocked on his door and peeked his head in. “Did you had lunch yet?”
 
 
Kylo shook his head.
 
 
“I'll make something for you and me. Get down in ten.”
 
 
“I'm not hungry.” Kylo tried to argument but his father was having none of
this. Han glared him back.
 
 
“Down. In ten.”
 
 
It was better to comply and Kylo knew it very well. It was way harder to deal
with Han than with Leia and after the accident, things went sour for both of
them. He sat by the table trying to focus on the silverware so maybe Han
wouldn't start asking questions or try to keep a conversation but it didn't
quite help.
 
 
“Have you seen the game last night?” Han started. He tried to put up his most
amiable face despite the fact that Kylo wasn't paying attention. He gently
placed Kylo's plate in from of him and then went back to serve himself. Sitting
in front of his son, he waited for the answer that didn't come. “Well...did
you?”
 
 
“What?”
 
“The baseball game. Last night.”
 
 
“Oh....no.”
 
 
“Oh.”
 
 
Please, let me eat in silence, Kylo thought. He dared to look over to Han and
realized his father wasn't eating. Instead, Han was staring at him like he
wanted to say something but couldn't build up the courage to. Kylo looked back
to his plate. “Pasta is good.” That was all he could say.
 
 
“Good.”
 
 
Kylo nodded. The silence was overwhelming.
 
 
“Your uncle called Saturday.” Han started again. “Did Rey tell you?”
 
 
“No.”
 
 
“He is coming back home soon.”
 
 
“That's good.”
 
 
More silence. At least now Han was eating too. Kylo speed up to clean his plate
so he could flee that torture as soon as possible. He swallowed the last
meatball so fast that for a moment he was sure it would get down his throat but
a little bit of water was enough to avoid the worst.
 
 
“Ben...are you okay?” he knew his phrase meant much more than it seemed to
mean. Kylo just shrugged, jumping out of his seat and grabbing his dirty
dishes.
 
 
“I'm done. Can I go?”
 
 
Disappointment was written all over Han's face and it was pretty clear that he
was analyzing if he should just give up or make his son endure more of that for
a little longer. At the end he sight and nodded and watched as Kylo left as
fast as if he was running away from the devil himself. The room surely felt
weird after he left but Han told himself there was nothing else he could do.
With his son didn't want to be around him all he could do was respect.
 
 
Back on his bedroom, Kylo barricaded the door and tried to remain calm. He told
himself over and over again than Han would do no harm to him and that he was
safe there. Eventually – but not before a cold shower – he felt better and
managed to fill his head with something else. Nobody bothered him again that
day and neither did they at the following so Kylo missed school again. He slept
as much as he could, only getting up to feed himself from time to time.
 
 
Wednesday came and he still felt like staying in. he woke up by the sound of
someone knocking on his door and groaned when he heard the sound of knob
turning.
 
 
“You're late, you know?”
 
 
He tilted his head to watch Rey leaning against the door-post. She had her arms
folded and a look of annoyance on her face. When he turned his face back to his
pillow, she walking in and crouched by his side. “Stop acting like that, Ben.
I'm not in the mood.”
 
 
“Neither am I. Please shut the door when you leave.”
 
 
“You're late for school. Come on. You gonna flunk. Again!”
 
 
“I'm ok with that.”
 
 
“Stop being such a man child!” she pulled his blanket away from him. “Come on,
Ben. You can't do that.”
 
 
“Rey...please. I'm not in the mood.”
 
 
“I don't care!” she shouted. “I don't fucking care, Benjamin. You better get up
or so help me god you gonna regret it forever.”
 
 
Her angry tone made him stare at her surprised and slightly amused.
 
 
“I'm serious.” she repeated much softer this time. Rey passed her hand through
his hair. “Just get up, get a shower and grab your things. Poe and I will be
waiting for you downstairs.”
 
 
“I thought you were still mad at me.”
 
 
“Only a little bit...” she answered with a smile. Even though they were used to
all the bickering and the drama of their family relationship, Rey could never
get really angry with him. At the end of the day, he was still her cousin and
she only wanted the best for him.
 
 
“Rey...”
 
 
“Your friends have being asking for you. I still don't like them and I still
think you shouldn't be hanging out with them but they are worried about you.
They miss you. Come on. Stop hiding in here. We all miss you.”
 
 
Downstairs, Poe yelled both their names. It was Rey's queue to  mess up Kylo's
hair and get up.
 
 
“You got ten minutes.” she said with a smile before leaving.
 
 
If Rey ever doubted her power over Ben, it was gone when he finally got
downstairs. The three of they stared at each other in silence until she smiled
and pushed her two favorite boys outside the house.
 
 
 
===============================================================================
 
 
 
“I really can't do this, Mitaka.” Hux took a deep breath and rushed his hand on
his hair. “I just can't do this. I can't suddenly go there and ask him out.”
 
 
Mitaka – who was already beyond being pissed – slightly punched him on the arm.
“Stop being such a coward!” he groaned. Hux glared him in disbelief, massaging
his arm. “Just go there and ask him if he want to hang out after class. It's
not a fucking big deal!”
 
 
“You don't get it, ok?” he pouted.
 
 
“Of course I don't fucking get it.” Mitaka replied. “You are this amazing guy
who is so used to fool around and make out with a lot of people and there you
are freaking out to ask Ren to hang out with you. I don't get it, Hux!”
 
 
“He is going to say no.” Hux lowered his voice when a couple of girls passed
near then. The school hall was so not the place to deal with all his drama. He
rubbed his face as Mitaka glared him in silence. “Let's be real, Mitaka.”
 
 
Feeling his anger boiling inside him, Mitaka just exhaled deeply and tried to
keep calm. “I don't have the guts to keep telling you this and honestly, I it
id doesn't even matter.” he placed his hand on the locker and leaned in to trap
Hux in the small space between them. “Why are you so afraid of this guy anyway?
It's just another guy. Come on, Hux.”
 
 
“I know.” he whined, closing his eyes and resting his head against the locker.
“It's just that, he is so hot...”
 
 
Rolling his eyes, Mitaka pulled away. “You are a joke.”
 
 
It took Hux two more days to work up the courage to ask Kylo out. Mitaka had
been on his neck the whole time, partially encouraging him but mostly just
because he wanted to see Hux's struggle to finally do it. Friday came and Hux
was filled with determination. He stopped in front of the cafeteria and
inhaled, looked over to Mitaka and nodded.
 
 
“This is ridiculous.” he mumbled. “I'll just fucking do it!”
 
 
“I'm with you.”
 
 
“I'll just go and ask if he wants to hang out.”
 
 
“Yes.”
 
 
“I'm gonna do it!”
 
 
“Go ahead!”
 
 
He had this weird but cute look of indubitable decision on his face and Mitaka
couldn't suppress a chuckle. Concentrated neither of them realized Phasma
walking over to them bringing Kylo along.
 
 
“What are you two up to?”
 
 
“Nothing.” Mitaka answered. They were both startled by the pair and Mitaka
watched amused as a soft red tone colored Hux's face.
 
 
“I think I might be sick.” he murmured and excused himself, walking away as
fast as he could. Phasma and Kylo looked over to Mitaka when Hux disappeared
and the asian boy only shrugged to them. He excused himself to go after his
friend.
 
 
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Mitaka had walked around the whole facility
to find Hux under the bleachers at the football field. “I've been walking
around for ten minutes after you, you little idiot!”
 
 
“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mitaka!” he repeatedly plead and Mitaka
punched him on his shoulder. “Och! What was that for?!”
 
 
“For running away like a coward!” groaning, Mitaka punched him again more
lightly. “You had the perfect situation and you let go of it. Are you stupid?”
 
 
“I panicked, ok?” Hux covered his face with his hands and let out a groan. “I
mean...I took one look at his face and I froze. And I felt like I was about to
puke and I just had to get away from him and....god, Mitaka.”
 
 
“You frustrate me so much, Ginger.”
 
 
“Don't you think I know that? I frustrate myself. I just want to go there and
press him against the wall and make out with him until my heart fucking
explodes.”
 
 
“Yeah...and you're a doing a great job on making it happens, right?”
 
 
“Fuck off.” he whined, rolling his eyes. He crossed his arms on his chest and
sighed. “I'm so done with it, you know? I hate it. I mean...why do I have to
have a crush on him, of all people? I could deal with other people. I could
deal with hooking up, you know me. I can handle this pretty well but them he
comes and he is fucking amazing and I blush and I feel pathetic around him. Why
is this happening to me?”
 
 
“Maybe it's karma.” he smirked as Hux glared him with fire in his eyes. “It's
just a crush, Ginger, stop being so melodramatic.” then Mitaka pulled Hux by
the arm and lead him on back to the cafeteria. He watched as Hux bit his lips
and hesitated and turned his had to look at Mitaka with the most adorable
anxious look on his face. “Don't freak out.”
 
 
“I can't promise anything.” he mumbled back as they walked the final steps to
their lunch table.
 
 
Kylo and Poe were sitting with them  and  Rey was there as well, still looking
a little annoyed, but at least she was actually participating on the
conversation. Rey was sitting besides Poe and in front of Phasma, who was
sitting besides Kylo. Grinning, Mitaka took the place beside Poe so Hux had no
option but to sit beside Kylo, which he awkwardly did.
 
 
“Feeling better?” Kylo asked
 
 
“Hm...yeah...thanks...” the table went right back to the conversation and Hux
tried to pretend he was cool to be so close to Kylo. He could smell the citric
scent of his conditioner which was really weird because it kind felt like
something only a creep would know.
 
 
“What about you, Hux?”
 
 
He blinked himself out of his thoughts to noticed everyone staring at him.
“Huh?”
 
 
“Won't you get something to eat?”
 
 
“Huh?” he scratched the back of his head with a crooked smile. “I'm not quite
hungry. And also I left my money on my backpack so...I think I'll eat after
school.” he shrugged and looked away.
 
 
When everybody's attentions left him, Kylo pushed his french fries over to him.
“You can have those. I mean. I got them but I'm really full so...if you want,
you can have them.”
 
 
“Thanks.” It was awkward, but it was also very sweet and he accepted them
trying not to mind Mitaka and his huge grin over the table.
 
 
“Ren, do you have anything to do later today?”
 
 
“Not really. Why?”
 
 
“Hux and I were going to the record store to dig out some old gold and I just
remembered I have an appointment that I cannot miss so I was wondering if you
could make him company, maybe?”
 
 
“Huh. Sure. If that's ok by you.” He turned to Hux who was glaring at his
friend with a very red face.
 
 
Hux had to calm down mentally so he could turn to Kylo and smile. “Sure. As
long as you're free.”
 
 
“Cool. See you after class.”
 
 
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Hux didn't have time to properly freak out and lash out to Mitaka until the
class was over. They walked out of the building in silence. Hux having the most
deadly serious look on his face and Mitaka being his grinner opposite. He
teased his friend by jokingly elbowing him on his ribs. “Come on, don't say you
didn't like his answer!”
 
 
“You are a jerk!” Hux hissed, smacking Mitaka on the shoulder. “My heart almost
stopped right there!”
 
 
“Didn't you want your heart to explode?”
 
 
“Figuratively!”
 
 
Mitaka just rolled his eyes and grinned. “Don't be a pussy.” he advised
pinching  Hux's cheek with his fingers. “I'll go before Kylo shows up, ok? Call
me when you get home so I can hear everything about your date.” he rushed away
before Hux could think of anything to say.
 
Sometimes he just hated Mitaka and his easiness to do everything as he wanted
to. He hated the way Mitaka would go on life just doing as he pleased and
having things working out perfectly at every situation. But sometimes, such as
that, he couldn't help but being thankful for his friendship. He sat by the
bench in front of the school, waiting. His stomach was cold and fluttering. He
mentally told himself to calm down several times before he realized it wouldn't
work. Despite all the teasing form Mitaka, Hux was aware it was not a date.
They would simply go to the record store and try to find some good old music
and nothing else.
 
 
There was the most anxious twenty minutes he had on his life and when Kylo
finally came out of the building followed by Phasma and Rey, he couldn't deny
to feel slightly disappointed. Hiding it behind a crooked smile, he got up to
meet him halfway. “Hey. You guys are coming with us?”
 
 
Both girls just nodded. “Rey wanted to check out the store as well.”
 
 
“Good. You gonna like it.”
 
 
It's gonna be a disaster, he thought, but everything turned out to prove him
wrong. Rey was much fun when she was not busy glaring Phasma and Kylo was still
on that silent calm that pleased Hux so much.
 
 
“What exactly are you looking for?” Hux tilted his head to look at Kylo who had
just come close to him. “And in a pile of old vinyl records, of all things.”
 
 
“The classics.” he stated the obvious with a malicious grin. “What else would
it be?”
 
 
“Point taken” he watched attentively as Hux strummed over the long line of old
records stopping from time to time to pick up some of them and put on a pile.
“Can I see those?”
 
 
“Sure.”
 
 
On his selection pile two records from the Clash and one from the Rolling
Stones and the last one was from Jimmy Hendrix. “Somehow I never pictured you
as someone who would listen to Jimmy Hendrix.” he commented to which Hux gave
him and adorable confused look. “Actually I think I never pictured as someone
who would like any of those.”
 
 
Chuckling, Hux fixed his hair behind his ears. “So how did you pictured me
then?”
 
 
“I don't know.” Kylo was still very interested on the records so he didn't
realized Hux has stopped everything to stare at him. “I think I thought you
were one of those kids who only listen to classical music.”
 
 
Hux pulled the records form Kylo's hands. “First, I happen to like a lot of
music genres.” rolled his eyes. “And secondly: what is it with your thing on
calling people 'kid'?”
 
 
Ren laughed, crossing his arms and shrugged. “I don't call people like that.”
 
 
“You so do.” Hux mimicked his expression, grinning. “You call me kid all the
time.”
 
 
“Well, maybe it's because you're small and delicate.”
 
 
“I'm not small.” he mumbled, a little offended. “And I'm not delicate.” he
wanted to add that he was also not that younger to Ren but stopped as he looked
at Kylo's face. He felt his cheeks getting warmer as Kylo's eyes meet his own.
He cleared his throat and turned back his attention to the records. “Ok. So you
never pictured me listening to rock'n'roll so...let's see if you can surprise
me. What do you listen to?”
 
 
“Probably nothing you know.”
 
 
“Don't underestimate me.”
 
 
“Ok. I'll give you credit because you actually know the Clash.” he said. Now
that Hux was strumming over the records again, all Kylo's attention was focused
on him.
 
 
His hair is so soft and so bright, Kylo caught himself thinking. He swallowed
this thought and felt it burning on his cheeks.
 
 
“This one. This one is gold.” he picked one of the albums that Hux didn't give
attention to.
 
 
“So...Dead Kennedys.”
 
 
“I'm impressed you know them.”
 
 
“I told you not to underestimate me, didn't I?”
 
 
“You did.”
 
 
“So you like the Clash and Dead Kennedys...and what else?”
 
 
Kylo looked over the store with a smirk. “Well, it would take a while to point
every single band I like.”
 
 
“Ok, I told you three. Tell me one more.”
 
 
“Patti Smith.”
 
 
“Really?”
 
 
“She is great.”
 
 
“I know. It's just surprising.”
 
 
“Why?”
 
 
“You just don't seem to be the kind of person that would listen to Patti
Smith.”
 
 
“Well, you don't look like you listen to Jimmy Hendrix.”
 
 
“Touché.” chuckling, he walked away to pay for the vinyls he had chosen being
closely followed by Kylo. He put the records on the counter and started a happy
conversation with the cashier only turning around when he heard Kylo
enthusiastically exclaim a 'wow'. “What is it?”
 
 
He was holding a cd on his hand and he had the most exciting look on his face.
“I've been looking for this cd for ages.” he exclaimed. He hold out it on Hux
direction to show the cover. “Did you ever heard about Killswitch Engage?”
 
 
“I love Killswitch Engage.” excited, Hux took the cd form Kylo's hands. “Where
did you find this? I've been coming here for ages and I've never seen this!”
 
 
“It came last week.” the cashier pointed out.
 
 
“How come you didn't tell me this, Lars?”
 
 
“Well, I don't actually know what you like, Ginger.”
 
 
“Ok. You got a point.” Reluctantly he gave the cd back to Kylo. “Do you got
another copy?”
 
 
“I'm sorry, Ginger. Only one that came.” he apologized. “It's a very old one.”
 
 
His answer was a groan. Ren, that has been watching their conversation in
silence was very amused. When they left the store Hux was still sulking.
 
 
“Do you like them that much that not buying a cd is making you do that creepy
face?”
 
 
“My face is not creepy.” he moaned. “And it's not only about the cd. I'm pissed
because I won't go to the concert, despite the fact that I've been saving money
for a while and the cd only made things worse.”
 
 
“They are doing a concert?!”
 
 
“Yeah. Two weeks from now. Didn't you know?”
 
 
“Not really. I wonder if they still have tickets available.”
 
 
“They don't.”
 
 
“Shit.”
 
 
“Yeah.”
 
 
Kylo couldn't deny that it was almost cute the way Hux was pouting about
something that seemed to silly as a rock concert. But again, who was he to
judge people, right? They meet up with the girls again right after that and the
concert subject was forgotten.
 
 
Later, when Hux was ready to get on the bus, Kylo's hand hold him back by his
wrist. “If I get tickets, will you come with me?”
 
 
“What?”
 
 
“To the concert.”
 
 
“But the tickets sold out!”
 
 
“Ok, but if I can get them...”
 
 
“Then ok.”
 
 
“Ok.”
 
Chapter End Notes
     every single muscle i have is hurting.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm sorry it took me so long to keep this going.
Kylo opened his eyes by the sound of the door opening. He stared at Poe, who
walked in with a serious expression, with his eyebrows raised. “So?”
 
 
“You better be forever grateful to me.” Poe answered. He pulled the tickets
from his back pocket and flicked them in front of Ben's face. When his brother
took them from his hand, he raised an eyebrow and smirked. “You must be so
desperate to go see this show to actually make me ask father for them. Who are
you taking, anyway?”
 
 
Kylo rolled his eyes and got up, trying to escape the inquisition that he knew
Poe was dying to make.
 
 
“Come on, Ben! I've helped you out! Don't you think you could at least tell me
who the fuck you taking to this stupid concert?” he complained. Now that Kylo
was up, he tossed himself on his brother bed, lying on his back. “Because of
you I had to lie to dad and say my girlfriend wanted to see the show. And I had
to actually listen as he lecture me about how I should be a better brother and
take you to the show because everyone knows you like this kind of shit.”
 
 
“What?”
 
 
The look on Ben's face was so sincerely surprised that Poe could do nothing but
laugh. “Why are you so surprised? It's not like he knows nothing about the
things you like. Isn't he your father after all?”
 
 
“I guess you're right.” he said after a moment. He realized he had been on the
same spot in the middle of his room without knowing what to do next. The idea
that Han actually knew things about him shouldn't be a surprise but Kylo
couldn't help feeling exposed.
 
 
“I really don't get it why you can't just tell him you're taking someone to the
concert with you.” Poe said. “I mean...why get me to ask this?”
 
 
“I just want to keep his nose out of my business.”
 
 
“You say shit like this like you're some kind of gangster. It's actually pretty
hilarious to watch.” he giggled. “Come on, Ben. Stop trying to stroll me and
tell me already who is the chick you taking with you and why is she so
important.”
 
 
He considered if he should say something or not. Not that he was afraid Poe was
going to tease him, and to be honest, taking Hux to the concert was not really
a big deal. He was a friend who happened to like the same band Kylo did. There
was nothing wrong with that, right?
 
Of course he could lie and tell he was taking some random girl. Poe would
probably tease him for a couple of hours but that would be the end of it. He
could say a lot of things to deceive his brother but it felt so bitter and
wrong to lie to someone who wholeheartedly accepted to help him out. He
scratched the back of his neck and sighed. “I'm not taking a girl. I'm taking a
friend, ok?”
 
 
“What friend?”
 
 
Sighing again, he found somewhere to put the tickets so he would not lose them
on his mess. “Hux.” he said in low voice. “He happen to like the band and he
was the one who told me about the concert. It feels just fair to take him with
me, don't you think?”
 
 
“I think it is just fair.” Poe shrugged. “Well, I hope you enjoy it a lot.”
 
 
“Really? Not going to tease me about how I should take a girl with me and make
out with her the whole time?”
 
 
“When did I ever said those things to you, Ben?” he sat up to ask. They stared
at each other for a minute in silence until Kylo looked away. “You know? Who
you take to places with you and who you make out with are none of my concern. I
honestly just want you to get out of the fucking house and go have so fun.”
 
 
“It's not like I want to make out with him or something like that.” he said.
 
 
“Ok.”
 
 
“I'm not gay.”
 
 
“I wasn't implying anything.”
 
 
“I'm just making it clear to you.”
 
 
“I really don't care about you love life, Ben.” he said, finally getting up. “I
just want you to have fun.”
 
 
He was ready to leave when Kylo called him back. “We should do
something....someday...I mean....we can go out....if you think that would
be...fun.”
 
 
He shrugged again trying to look cool. “I guess it won't hurt.” he said before
leaving. He walked back to his own room with a smile. It had been a long time
since a conversation with Ben would make him so glad. Of course there was all
that sexuality stuff that actually made him really uncomfortable. The
possibility of Ben being homophobic was something that would sometimes keep Poe
up all night. He knew in his heart that he would always find solace on Leia. He
also knew that uncle Luke would be supportive as well. Rey wouldn't be too much
of a trouble but Han and Ben were the big “ifs” he was so afraid of.
 
 
He was the only one dwelling on it. Back on his room, Kylo was far morre
concerned with another thing: he wanted to tell Hux about the tickets right
away, but knowing he didn't had his own phone made things much more
complicated. He could call at his home but it was something a such a little
importance to call him up past 11 p.m at a Sunday night. He could always wait
for the next morning so they would meet at the school and they could talk.
 
 
Its was better this ways. “I can't wait to see his face when I tell him.” he
giggled. He would probably get his eyes wide open in surprise and Kylo would
look so cool.
 
 
Next morning he was trilled. He woke up earlier than usual and went downstairs
ready to go when Poe and Rey were still in their own rooms, trying to get
ready. At the kitchen, Leia and Han were having a silent breakfast when their
son got in. for a moment it felt almost nostalgic.
 
 
His mother smiled to him when their eyes meet and he smiled back in reflex. She
pointed the chair by her side. “Sit. Come have breakfast with us.” Kylo thought
that maybe she wasn't expecting him to accept so when he did her eyes actually
glowed. Han didn't say a word other than a very grumpy good morning by Leia –
as well as Kylo – Knew very well he was never in a good mood at the morning.
Silence between them felt peaceful and needed. Somehow it was like they had
never had all the troubles they had been through.
 
 
He watched as his parents went through their routines. Drinking coffee, reading
the newspaper, answering important calls of desperate and inconvenient people,
the way Han's right hand was place at the table, always ready do grab Leia's,
the little smile she would show him every now and then before taking another
sip of her coffee.
 
 
Kylo thought whatever spell they had put on the kitchen was going to be broken
at the moment Rey and Poe stormed inside in the middle of an argument. However,
much for his surprise, neither one of the two flinch a bit. His brother and
cousin helped themselves with the food and sat by the table only stopping their
heated argument to greet the others.
 
 
“You are completely wrong!” Rey growled. She slammed her palm on the table,
which made Han frown.
 
 
“That is enough.” he hissed.
 
 
“I'm sorry, uncle Han.” She said. She and exchanged guilty looks and after that
the argument lost its heat.
 
 
“Why are the two of you arguing anyway?” Han asked.
 
 
“Rey doesn't want to admit that a Nissan Silvia would lose in a race against a
Mustang.”
 
 
“Because it wouldn't lose and you know that, Poe!”
 
 
“Of course it would. The only reason you don't want to give in and admit it is
because you're a stubborn girl who hates to lose!”
 
“You can't drift in a Mustang, you jerk!”
 
 
“No, you can't drift in a Mustang.” he bragged. “Besides, I don't wanna drift
in a Mustang. I wanna race. And in a race a Mustang would do so much better
than your silly little Silvia.”
 
 
“First things first: you ain't some race god that can race any car, ok?” she
began, crossing her arms and smirking. “You don't even have permission to
drive. Just because you read about cars all day it doesn't make you an expert!”
 
 
“I don't wanna hear that from someone like you!”
 
 
“Can't the two of you think about anything else to talk about other than
cars?” Han exhaled. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.
“Just once I wanted you kids to be normal.”
 
 
Leia giggled. She got up and kissed Han on his cheek. “Well, those are the kids
you get. See you at dinner.” she left after saying goodbyes to the other,
softly touching Kylo on his shoulder and flashing him a smile. That smile that
only Leia could give and that even now had the power to tell him everything
would be alright. Han left soon after her letting Kylo to deal with Poe and Rey
who were still too caught up into their conversation.
 
 
Kylo stretched out his arms above his head. “We are gonna get late if you two
don't stop arguing.” he said.
 
 
Two pairs of eyes stared at him in awe. “Are you actually wanting to go to
school?” Rey asked. Her voice was filled with doubt and mockery so Kylo just
rolled his eyes and shrugged. “No, I mean it! Last time you wanted to go to
school the dinosaurs were walking on the Earth.” she added. She stuffed what
left of her toast on her mouth and smirked. ”What are you up to?”
 
 
“Nothing. I just don't wanna be late. You know. For a change.” he lied. He got
up a brought his plate to the sink. “Are you guys done yet? Five minutes or I'm
leaving without you.”
 
 
“Sometimes you do sound like Aunt Leia, you know?”
 
 
Well, shouldn't be a surprise after all he was her son. He rushed them again
but despite his efforts they didn't get to school soon enough for him to wander
around after Hux. He wondered if he should break the news to Phasma but a small
voice in his head was telling him it would be weird. Kylo had told himself not
to pay attention to that sneaky mean voice that was trying to convince him it
would go sour in the end. For once he was actually trying not to freak out over
something that was already done. After all, if Hux didn't want to go with him,
he could just say so. He could just turn down the invitation and walk away from
Kylo and maybe never look at him again. Maybe he just got too excited to find
someone he could talk to and read too much into it and got ahead of himself and
messed it all up. There was a large bunch of “maybes” he could consider before
breaking the news to Hux.
 
 
When he finally sat down and told Hux he got the tickets it felt amazing. The
way his eyes widened and sparkle as his mouth hanged opened in a silent scream
made Kylo's stomach flutter. He realized he was far more excited for having him
around than with the idea of the concert itself.
 
 
“I can't believe you got them.” Hux said for the tenth time. “I mean...this is
amazing! How did you do this?”
 
 
“I might have made a deal with the devil.” he answered to which Hux grinned and
lift one of his eyebrows.
 
 
“Should I be concerned of getting killed in a satanic ritual?”
 
 
“Don't they only kill virgins?” Kylo mocked. He was afraid, for a second, that
his teasing was beyond his limits but Hux laughed.
 
 
“I'm safe then.”
 
 
“I'll let you know if they change the rules and you have to worry again.”
 
 
“Very kind of you.” he joked again. Sighing, the big grin on his face seemed
like it would be there forever. “This is so amazing, Ren.” he whispered. “Ah,
right, how much do I owe you?”
 
 
“Huh?”
 
 
“For the tickets.” he explained. “I know you probably had to spend a lot on
those and I don't actually know if I got the money right now but I figured I
should at least pay you back my share.”
 
 
“I don't remember asking for your money.”
 
 
“I know, I know.” he quickly added. “i just don't want you to go thinking I'm
expecting anything for free.”
 
 
“Well, don't you let your friends buy you stuff?”
 
 
“I don't, actually, but...” he started and then he hesitated. There was
something he would like to ask but somehow he knew there wasn't a nice way to
ask that. He inhaled. “Are we friends?”
 
 
It felt like a punch and Hux could see it by the look on his face. He watched
as Kylo tried to come with something to say but as everything sounded lame, the
only thing that came out was “Aren't we?”
 
 
“I don't know.” he answered. “It's not that I don't want to.” he quickly added
ad he fixed his hair behind his ear. “I just...I mean...you're Kylo Ren
and....I don't know....I didn't know if you wanted to be my friend or maybe you
were just spending time with me. I don't know.” he rubbed his own face when he
felt it getting hotter. “Sorry.”
 
 
“I thought we were friends already.”
 
 
“Really?”
 
 
“Yeah.” he shrugged. “We talk, we have lunch together, we hang out outside
school. All things one does with friends, right?”
 
 
“You're right.”
 
 
“Yep.”
 
 
“So...we're friends?”
 
 
Kylo chuckled. “Aren't this set yet?” Hux nodded and chuckled as well. “So, now
that we settled it...you don't owe me a thing for the tickets, ok? You are my
friend and I invited you.”
 
 
“Ok but...”
 
 
“No 'buts'.” he added. “And besides, I didn't spend money on those. My brother
got my father to get them so we're fine.”
 
 
He was still feeling like arguing. Hux knew himself to be incredibly stubborn
and proud so letting people actually by him stuff was a very delicate subject.
It felt like something that would diminish him and he did not appreciate the
feeling of anguish on his stomach. But again the way Kylo smiled and how he
said they were friends so Hux didn't have to worry and the way his eyes were
sparkling when he break the news to Hux, all those things were crumbling inside
Hux's mind and he felt like boiling up. He let theses feelings take a hold of
him and the week passed by before he could even realized it was gone.
 
 
On Saturday he was trembling. He watched the clock at every five minutes to the
point Nwanda, his boss, was almost throwing a hay at him. “What is with you and
that damn clock, Ginger?” he growled. “I pay you to work not to watch the hours
pass by.” he was in a horrible mood and Hux didn't want to piss him off even
more so he resigned to do his chores quietly glancing the clock every once in a
while.
 
 
He didn't have to watch the clock so diligently because fifteen minutes before
his shift ends, Kylo walked in, sat on a table and ordered something to drink.
He watched him from afar until the clock turned to 6 p.m, and he walked to
Kylo, taking off his apron. “You came to pick me up?” he tried to hide the
smirk growing on his lips and turned his eyes to his own hands, try to wipe
them off on his apron.
 
 
Kylo shrugged. “Was afraid you might forget the concert and stuff.”
 
 
“You think I have the slightest possibility to actually forget about this
concert? Really, Ren?”
 
 
“Are you shift over? Can we go already?”
 
 
“Yeah, but...you know...I actually have to go home...and shower. So I can smell
like a human being and less like a giant hamburger.” he chuckled. Suddenly he
didn't know what to say. Playing with his apron, he looked away from Kylo to
try and calm down. Last thing he needed at that exact moment was his crush
showing so he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down. Kylo was
still watching him waiting for Hux to say something else. It was calming to see
he seemed to feel as awkward as Hux did.
 
 
“So?”
 
 
“So?”
 
 
“What are we going to do?”
 
 
Hux sat in the bench in front of him. His legs weren't actually working on
their best anyway. “I really need to take a shower.” he said. He ran his
fingers on his hair, tugging it behind his left ear. “I smell like soggy french
fries.” he liked the way Kylo's nose wrinkled when Hux said it. “You can come
with me and then we go from there or we can meet there. Whatever works best for
you.” in the brief moment that it took for Kylo to give his answer, Hux was
already worrying that he might have look like an idiot, speaking too fast and
asking too much and maybe implying things that Kylo was not into doing.
 
 
Kylo just shrugged. “I'll go with you.”
 
 
 
===============================================================================
 
 
He thought it would be weird to walk around with Hux from his workplace to his
house and then to the concert but surprisingly it felt rather exciting. Well,
at least once Hux got really into their conversation and things went smoothly
from there. He went on a very passionate rant about their favorite band's last
album and Kylo chuckled as Hux's strong opinions on their last single made his
ears red. “You really are passionate about music, huh?”
 
 
“I am.” Hux said. He fixed his hair again and looked away wondering if he was
flustered or not. Ah, the disadvantages of having pale skin! “Music is probably
my favorite thing. Aside cooking.”
 
 
“Do you play anything? 'Cause I've eaten your food and it's pretty good.”
 
 
“I don't actually.”
 
 
“That's too bad.” Kylo shrugged. “Maybe you should try and learn something.”
 
 
“Maybe.” he shrugged too. The line in front of them was slowly moving and Hux
could already feel the excitement induced static in his veins. He nibbled his
lips to try and keep himself from jumping. Kylo seemed to be much more cool
than him and it was a shame. He dared to look at him with the corner of his
eyes for a moment and Kylo was looking directly at him. “What?”
 
 
“You look very hyped.”
 
“Well, I am.” he said. “Aren't you?”
 
 
“I guess so.” he shrugged again, shoving his hands on his pockets. Hux pursed
his lips to the side.
 
 
“How come you always seems to be so unfazed by everything?”
 
 
“Me? Unfazed?”
 
 
“Yeah, you got that look that you really don't care about anything. Its quite
impressive, I should say.”
 
 
“Impressive?” he giggled. “There is nothing impressive about me, believe it.”
he said. Before Hux could say anything else they were moving faster towards the
gate where several staff members were busy trying to get everyone's tickets and
check them for guns. A very large guy reach out for Kylo's tickets and quickly
patched on his pockets and tights, letting him go in a minute. He did the same
to Hux. His bizarrely big hand made Hux feel really small when he groped his
tights and hips and then he let Hux go with a nod.
 
 
They wander around for a while trying to get used to the big empty open air
space where the concert was. A rookie band was playing at the stage to some
mildly interested people hanging at the front row.
 
 
The loud music was not enough to prevent them to hear each other but it did
make it quite harder so when Kylo spoke he leaned in to Hux, his breathe
tickling Hux's cheek. At first, Hux didn't understand what he had said. The
only thing that his brain seemed to be acknowledging was Kylo's proximity to
his own face.
 
 
“Do you wanna get something to drink or..?”
 
 
“No. Not really.” he managed to say. After that he was unease. He thought that
by that time he would be okay going out alone with Kylo but, somehow, he always
end up feeling like he had to live up to some hidden expectation and that very
fact would get his stomach to freeze and he would fall into a dark pit of self
consciousness completely unaware that, by his side, Kylo was feeling exactly
the same. He hid his sweaty shaking hands on his pockets and tried to remember
how to keep his breathing at a normal pace. Being out, in the middle of an ever
growing crowd with someone that he, somehow, wanted to impress was definitely
very demanding on his nerves.
 
 
 
He tried to keep all his alarming thoughts at bay because that was an especial
night and he was determined to have fun. He wasn't sure of how long it had been
since the last time he was at a concert. Kylo didn't remember going to none
after the accident. Suddenly the realization that everybody must be watching
his gigantic scar colored red his cheeks. He felt his eyes burning and his
throat clenched as he choked down a whimper. He was pathetic. He bit his lips
to keep himself aware. It would be a disaster to end up on the floor, crying,
in front of everyone.
 
 
By the time the rookie band finish, he was composed again. He glanced over Hux,
who was busy looking around and softly grabbed his wrist to get his attention.
“It is about to start.” he said. “Wanna try to get to the front row?”
 
 
“Yeah, sure.”
 
 
Hux leaded the way. Having a smaller frame made it easier for him to find a way
to wiggle around the others. Kylo was having a harder time. He excuse himself
as he passed the other but he was very aware of their annoyed looks towards
him. They still had a lot to get through if they wanted to get as close as
possible to the stage but when Kylo finally got a grip on Hux's hand, he
squeezed it softly until Hux turned his face to him. “I think we should keep on
here. It's close enough, right?” the disappointment on Hux's face was clear,
but he nod and cleared his throat and put on a smile as he squeezed Kylo's hand
back.
 
 
“Sure.”
 
 
He didn't let go and neither did Kylo. The crowd around them roared louder than
a thunder when the first riff of the first song broke the silence. When the
band came on the stage, Hux flared him an excited smile. The butterfly flock on
his stomach decided to fly up and down, making his whole body quiver. Hux
didn't seem to noticed and if he did, it didn't matter. The music blasting loud
on their ears was enough of sensations for him to forget about anything else
now.
 
 
Hux's throat was already sore by the fifth song. He could feel it burning but
it didn't matter. He was truly happy and truly excited. Kylo's hand was still
on his hand, even though there was no need of this intimate contact anymore. Of
course he wouldn't pull his hand off of his grip. He would enjoy and savor
every little moment he could get. By the seventh song when everybody else was
jumping and shoving themselves into each other, Kylo's hand finally slip out of
his fingers but a moment later his strong arm pulled Hux close to him.
 
 
“You'll get stomped to death if you fall now.” he said. The way his hand was
firmly holding Hux in place would send electric waves on Hux's spine.
 
 
If Kylo looked down and kissed him it would be the most perfect first kiss Hux
could ever imagine. Of course it wouldn't happen but he couldn't help but
wonder what it would feel like to have Kylo's puffy lips pressed against his.
He could bet it would feel amazing.
 
 
On the stage, the lead singer finished the song with a scream. The crowd came
to life once again, arms up, phones snapping pictures, high-pitched voice
fighting to be heard among the sea of other much more deep voices. A couple
right beside kissed and laughed. The genuine happiness everyone was sharing
infected every single person there. When Kylo looked down and his eyes met
Hux's, he was visibly happy. It was just then that Hux realized he had never
noticed how Kylo's eyes would glow so much when he was happy. He thought about
saying something but in the end he didn't have the guts to. What if Kylo
thought he was too weird? What if he get disgusted by him? It was too much to
lose. It was better to stay quiet.
 
 
The concert went on for more two hours and by the time the lead singer finally
said his goodnight and the band left – for good now – Hux was feeling
destroyed. All his tiredness seemed to catch up with him at the exact moment
the concert was over. He moaned as he followed Kylo outside, his feet aching
and protesting every step he was taking.
 
 
“You look like you're an extra at a zombie movie.” Kylo pointed out. He looked
disheveled. His hair falling on every direction, sweat on his face, his clothes
smelled like cigarettes and alcohol but, still, he looked hot. Too hot to be
fair on Hux's opinion. Kylo searched his pockets for his cigarettes. “Shit! I
think I lost them.”
 
 
“Huh?”
 
 
“My cigarettes.” but them he shrugged and shove his hands back to his pockets.
“Are you hungry?”
 
 
“Starving.” he moaned. “But if I have to take one more step I thing i'll rather
just starve to death here.” he teased, rubbing his face.
 
 
“You can't be that tired.”
 
 
“I'm not just tired, Kylo. Today I am exhausted. It's different.” he feigned a
glaring face when Kylo chuckled but he was too tired to even argue. Yawning, he
massaged his nape and closed his eyes. He was thankful that the following day
was a Sunday and he could sleep in and stay in his bed the whole day. Being his
only truly free day he promised himself he wouldn't do anything. He would just
catch up on his sleep schedule. “So...you're going home now?”
 
 
“I guess.”
 
 
“Hm”
 
 
“I mean. I would ask if you wanna do something but you kinda made you point on
being exhausted.”
 
 
“I'm sorry.” shrugging, he kept trying to ease the pain on his neck. “I guess
I'm not that much of a party company.”
 
 
“No, no. I think it was great. I have tons of fun.” he quickly said. “I mean
it.”
 
 
“Well. I hope so.” He could only hope Kylo wouldn't notice how awkward he was
feeling. The undeniable truth of having a crush was that once you vividly
picture your first kiss, you're doomed. And having the fight the urge of
grabbing Kylo's face and kissing him when he had no strength to even keep
himself fully awake was too much for him to deal with. He sighed and stretched
his arms. “So...I see you Monday, ok?”
 
 
 
“Ah....yeah, sure.”
 
 
 
“Ok, then. I'm going.”
 
 
 
“Yeah....me too.”
 
 
 
“Hm...bye.” they stared at each other not being sure how to say goodbye. Hux
thought that maybe he could reach out his hand to shake Kylo's but it did
seemed too cold. Maybe a hug would be better but maybe it was too warm. And he
wasn't even sure if straight guys did hug each other. Well, at least Kylo knew
he was gay so maybe he would figure it out that gay dudes do hug.
 
 
They end up in a semi-hug filled with awkwardness and some weird anxious giggle
from Hux. When the step back from each other, Hux parenthetically waved his
hand twice before realizing how stupid he might be looking. He whispered
another bye and tried to bolt away only to have Kylo calling him back.
 
 
“Do you want me to keep you company until your bus comes?”
 
 
Yes, he wanted to yell, please keep me company and maybe fucking kiss me so I
can stop acting so weirdly.
 
 
But he just shrugged and smiled. “No need. I bet I'll catch it really soon.” he
took three or four steps away again before turning back again. His smile
widened. “But thanks for the tickets. Today was amazing.”
 
 
He was wrong.
 
 
He was frustratingly wrong.
 
 
By the time he got on the nearest bus stop, his bus was already leaving. He
used his last forces to push himself into running and screaming after the bus
but it didn't help at all and he watched, desperate, as it left him behind all
alone on that empty dim bus stop.
 
 
“I'm so fucked.” he whispered to himself as he rested his face on the pole.
“Why did it have to happen to me? Come on! Can't I have one nice day without
shit like this happening to me?”
 
 
 
“Who are you talking to?”
 
 
 
“JESUS FUCKIN CHRI—are you trying to give me a heart attack?” he yelled,
jumping back when Kylo showed up apparently from nowhere. “Don't sneak out on
people out of blue. Fucking hell!”
 
Much to his surprise, Kylo was laughing. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” he managed to
say as he tried to catch his breath again.
 
 
“What are you even doing here? I thought you went home already.”
 
 
“I was going to but then I realized how late it is and I thought that maybe you
wouldn't get to catch your bus by now. The last bus is already gone by now,
right?”
 
 
“Yeah.” he grumpily agreed. “It just pass right past me.”
 
 
“Sorry you lost your bus.” he said. He stared as Hux rubbed his face, visibly
annoyed. He had ran all the way there because of an idea that maybe wasn't the
best one he had up to his date but he had never been known by having great
ideas anyway. “Do you wanna go home with me?”
 
***** Announcement *****
Hm. Hey. I have no idea how to start this. Hm. This is an announcement. Yes.
This is an announcement.
First, i just wanted to say that I'm sorry, okay? I really am. For exactly
everything. I'm sorry.
I will not continue this work. I apologize for those who were reading this and
appreciating this story. Things got in my way.
And when I say things, I mean depression.
There is nothing left in me so I cannot possibly work on this anymore. I feel
that even if I tried, I would only bring displeasure to everybody. Nowadays I'm
nothing more than a hollow vessel. I don't think I'll ever write anymore - or
even if I do, I don't think I'll put it online again -. I lost joy in writing
and in drawing and in pretty much everything and this time, I don't think it
will ever come back to me.
I'm deeply sorry.
Also, I'm deeply grateful for all the love you guys showed me up til now. I'll
never forget it. No matter what.
I hope you guys have a very nice day, and week, and life.
With love,
Limão.
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