Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8395633.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager, Levi_&_Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Eren_Yeager, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Hange_Zoë
  Additional Tags:
      Angst_and_Fluff, But_mostly_angst, because_I_can’t_help_myself,
      chronology_is_a_joke, canonverse, Post-Canon, some_small_variations_from
      canon_for_shipping_purposes, let’s_also_ignore_recent_manga_revelations,
      denial_is_not_just_a_river_in_egypt, now_tell_levi_that, eren_has_good
      intentions, but_you_know_what_they_say_about_those, Implied_Character
      Death, eren’s_his_canon_age_thus_the_underage_tag, Non-Explicit_Sex, levi
      doesn’t_know_how_to_deal_with_feelings, eren’s_better_but_then_he_gets
      worse, Idiots_in_Love, Canon_Divergence, past_eren/annie_-_Freeform, levi
      is_emotionally_constipated, communication_issues, dying_character,
      Explicit_Sex, Sorry_My_Hand_Slipped, Anal_Sex, Emotional_Sex, I_Tried,
      Top_Eren, Bottom_Levi
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-10-27 Completed: 2016-12-31 Chapters: 7/7 Words: 18005
****** Hourglass ******
by voxofthevoid
Summary
     “I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever did.”
      
      
     Eren tries too hard. Levi makes a choice he regrets.
Notes
     This was going to be a one-shot but then it got out of hand a bit so
     I thought I’d cut it into bit-sized chapters instead ending up with a
     behemoth one-shot.
See the end of the work for more notes
***** had to fall to lose it all *****
Someone’s knocking on his door, hesitant but persistent. It’s not so unusual,
considering Levi’s rank and the duties that accompany it, but it’s the middle
of the fucking night when most normal human beings are dead to the world and
which no sane person would think of as a good time to go knocking on an
officer’s door. Especially not Levi’s door.
The only people who would dare are Hanji and Eren, but the former is smart
enough to leave Levi be when he’s sleepless and ten times more irritable than
usual, and as for Eren, well-
Eren hasn’t bothered to knock in ages, usually bursting into the room as if it
were his own, which it is, more or less, but Levi would swallow broken glass
before admitting so. 
With one last look at the stack of documents before him, oddly intimidating for
sheets of innocuous white paper, Levi pushes away from his desk, leaning back
in his chair and calling for whoever it is to come in. Unholy hour or not, this
is potentially more interesting than the never-ending mount of paperwork that
shows no sign of abating despite the war itself being over for nearly a year.
The door opens with the same slow hesitancy of the knocking and Levi’s late
night visitor steps inside.
It’s Eren.
His first response is confusion, followed by the usual burst of warm happiness
that he knows he’s a fool for feeling but then he gets a good look at Eren’s
face, pale and drawn, brows furrowed and lips tight. He knows that face,
understands that whatever’s brought Eren here is troubling the other. His arms
itch with the need to close around Eren, to smooth the lines from his face
until he’s bright again. It’s inconvenient but Levi’s long since resigned
himself to these feelings.
He’s resigned himself to a lot of feelings when it comes to Eren, none of which
are helped by the fact that he’s allowed these things, to touch and hold and
love the boy.
He’s about to speak, a half-formed query of concealed concern, when Eren beats
him to it.
“We need to talk, Levi,” he says, voice strangely hollow. His eyes dart around
the room before finally coming to rest on Levi. One look at them and he knows
something’s wrong, something more severe than the troubles he could sooth away
with whispered words and gentle touches. Levi feels cold all over.
“Talk,” he repeats numbly, unaware of the reason behind Eren’s behavior and his
own inexplicable dread.
Eren seems to take his mindless echo as permission. His gaze hardens with that
familiar determination, all of it focused on Levi but failing perhaps for the
first time to fill him with warmth or fire.
“I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever did.”
Oh.
Oh.
There’s a sudden lack in himself, a dark hollow opening up inside and
swallowing everything, and for one infinite moment, Levi can’t speak, can’t
think, can’t even fucking breathe because-
“I’m sorry, Levi.”
Levi can only stare at him, distantly aware that he should say something but
physically unable. His tongue is dead weight and he’s thankful that he’s
sitting. Otherwise he might collapse and wouldn’t that be a joke. The great
Captain Levi fainting because of a boy a decade his junior. Or maybe not.
Eren’s always been able to affect him like no other.
He’s torn from his thoughts when he realizes that Eren hasn’t finished
speaking. Levi recognizes the cadence of his voice and the rapid spew of words
as the frantic, earnest rambling Eren is prone to when nervous. The actual
content is harder to comprehend, Levi’s mind numb with shock, but he can
discern words like young and hero-worship and confused and many more apologies.
He remembers another scene much like this, not even a year ago, when Eren stood
before him and word-vomited all over the place in a desperate attempt to
convince Levi that I really do love you I’m not a kid anymore I know what I
feel dammit Captain look at me
Except clearly, Eren really was just a confused kid then because the boy-man in
front of him now has different ideas.
There’s a part of Levi – small and quiet and usually smothered by fear and
practicality and a million pretty excuses but alive nonetheless because it’s
stupidly resilient like the rest of him – that’s writhing in protest, screaming
that it wasn’t a lie, that the softness of Eren’s eyes and the tender reverence
of his lips weren’t a goddamned lie, but that part is easily silenced, cast
away to languish in the dark as everything that is weak about Levi.
Finally, Eren’s tirade comes to an end but he doesn’t leave, instead stands
there looking at Levi who realizes that he’s waiting for a response. Levi wants
to punch him but that feels like too much effort and he’d only hurt himself
more with it anyway.
So he meets Eren’s intent stare, unaware of his own expression but hoping it’s
the blank mask that he wears like a second skin, and says, “Okay. That’s fine.”
It’s really not.
Eren only nods, looking terribly unsurprised by this answer. As far as he
knows, it is fine. As far as he knows, Levi doesn’t love him, has never been
anything but annoyed by Eren’s past ardent confessions.
“I apologize for any inconvenience my foolishness has caused you, sir.” It’s an
oddly formal way of speaking, utterly unsuited to Eren. And then they boy is
gone, with a crisp salute that makes Levi want to laugh. Or maybe cry. The
difference is rather scant at the moment.
The silence left in his wake hurts blissfully dully through the haze of shock.
But then the haze clears in one fell swoop and Levi is bent over his desk,
papers and inkpot swept away in the helpless rage of the scream caught in his
throat.
Through the pain that is just another version of the kind that he is so
familiar with, Levi acknowledges that he’s always been waiting for this. Eren’s
young and brilliant and beautiful. With the titans gone and humanity freed,
there’s a whole new world out there. It was always inevitable that Eren would
come to his senses and move past a broken old man like Levi. From the first
kiss, from Eren’s first fervent confession, Levi’s been waiting for this.
That didn’t stop him from falling.
And now that it’s come to pass, that doesn’t stop him from hurting.
 
                                Four Years Ago
                                        
It’s very hard to see a monster in Eren Jaeger’s resting form, his face slack
and oddly peaceful in sleep. He looks like the boy he is, disconcertingly young
when magnetic gleam of rage in his eyes is hidden from view by closed lids.
One wouldn’t look at this peacefully slumbering boy and think of the behemoth
creature of fire and fury that had flattened half a town and ripped into pieces
an old friend turned enemy.
Levi knows better, has known from that day in the courtroom that whatever Eren
is, a normal boy is not it. Shifting ability aside, there’s a spark in him that
can turn at any moment into a raging inferno, vehement and unstoppable.
Monster, in more ways than one, some of them better than the others.
It’s why Levi likes him, though he’s certain that not even Eren himself is
aware of that. That’s probably for the best; Eren’s hero-worship is bad enough
as it is, it’s vaguely terrifying to think of what he might cook up once he
realizes that Levi does not in fact hate his guts.
On the bed, Eren stirs, mumbles something into his pillow and sighs. But he
doesn’t wake and his face remains as uncharacteristically relaxed as before.
Levi doesn’t really know why he’s here. There’s no shortage of people to watch
over the brat. He had to order Ackerman out of the room and while Arlert left
quietly, the smile he shot Levi had reminded him eerily of Erwin and not in a
good way. Even the horse-faced decoy boy was hovering around the door prior to
Levi’s arrival, alternating between concerned glances and angry glares at Eren.
So it’s not like Lei needs to be here. With Stohess a mess, it’s likely that he
would be of better use somewhere else even with a fucked up ankle.
But some lingering sense of responsibility had driven him here, had made him
take up vigil beside Eren’s bedside as the boy slept on, blissfully oblivious
to the shitstorm outside.
Eren is part of his squad, its only remaining member. No matter how many
friends he may have, it doesn’t change the fact that he is ultimately under
Levi’s care.
Eren shifts again, flopping on to his back from where he was curled up on his
side, his forehead furrowing under the wraps and lending some familiarity to
his face. Even from his position on a chair beside the bed, Levi can feel the
heat radiating off the boy. He leans forward to rest the back of his hand on
Eren’s cheek, unsurprised to find him burning up, the temperature too high even
for Eren’s typical human furnace standards. It’s not that concerning; Hanji
seems to think it’s a normal physiological reaction to shifting but Levi just
wants the brat to cool down and wake up.
He gets his wish a little earlier than anticipated.
Levi looks away from his hand on the boy’s cheek and right into a pair of green
eyes, brilliant despite the exhaustion evident in them. Levi doesn’t start,
doesn’t react except to pull back his hand and settle back into his chair.
“Captain?” It’s a barely audible whisper.
Eren’s awake. He’s fine. Levi can leave now.
He doesn’t.
“Brat. Took you long enough.”
“Sorry.” And then Eren smiles at him, dazed and looking half-dead but smiling
as if he wasn’t shivering in fear at the sight of Levi just a few weeks ago.
But he knows that the fear drained away at some point and was replaced by
respect and more affection than Levi knows what to do with. Each time he has
seen that directed at him, he has also seen the person in question end up dead.
Some things are inevitable. His former squad can testify.
Thankfully, the smile disappears as quickly as it appeared, replaced by a
confused frown. Eren struggles up into a sitting position.
“Sir, is Annie…?”
“Still frozen. We can’t penetrate the crystal.”
Eren grimaces at Levi’s irate tone, casting his eyes down and fisting his hands
in his lap.
“I’m sorry, Captain. It’s my fault-”
“Shut it, brat.” Levi cuts him off before the situation becomes a repeat of the
last time he talked to Eren alone. “You tried. You should know by now that you
can’t control the outcome, only live with it.”
“You told me to make choices I won’t regret.”
 “Yeah.”
Eren doesn’t say anything else, though they both know that he does regret. The
silence is awkward, heavy with things left unspoken. But neither of them are
any good with words, that sort of shit is better left to people like Erwin and
Eren’s little blonde friend.
Eren’s friends. They’ll want to see him.
Levi stands to leave but a tug on his jacket stops him before he can take even
a step.
“What?” He frowns down at Eren but the boy’s eyes are fixed on his own hand
fisted in Levi’s clothes. He looks constipated. “Eren.”
The sound of his name jolts him out of whatever nonsensical daydream he was
engaged in. Still, he doesn’t let go but pulls instead, and Levi, caught off
guard, stumbles on to the edge of the bed, catching himself with a hand on the
mattress just as Eren catches his mouth in a kiss.
The angle’s wrong and they collide too forcefully but Eren resolutely keeps his
lips glued to Levi’s, not moving, just pressing. And Levi lets him.
At least until he regains his mental faculties and pulls back, gaping at Eren
who just sits there with his eyes scrunched shut as if that would save him from
Levi’s wrath. Except that Levi’s not feeling all that wrathful, mostly just
confused and a little stunned. He licks his lips and tastes nothing.
“What. The hell are you doing, you shitty brat?”
Eren stops bracing himself for a punch that doesn’t come and looks at Levi,
eyes as wide as saucers as if he was the one that was kissed out of the blue.
Levi’s still a little confused about that. He knows that Eren has a bad case of
hero-worship but this is a whole other monster, no pun intended.
“I, um, I just-” Eren gulps but doesn’t look away from him. “I wanted to do
that at least once, sir.”
This was not what Levi meant when he said about choosing the path with least
regrets. He says as much but Eren only shrugs, mumbling something
unintelligible and looking away. Levi knows he should leave before this gets
more complicated but his body won’t move.
“Why?” Why him. Eren’s young, not a stunner but still a good-looking kid once
you got past the insane eyes. And Levi’s about twice his age. Is he that
hormonally desperate or is this some terrible mutation of that hero-worship?
For some reason, the second option seems far worse than the first.
Eren doesn’t answer, though he does return his gaze to Levi. He shrugs again.
“Don’t get attached, brat. This is war, not a romance novel.” It’s too late to
ward off attachment. Levi never learns his lesson and Eren has too big a heart
but the words are a necessary barrier, something to put a stop to whatever it
is that’s gleaming in Eren’s verdant eyes.
But Eren’s never been put off by barriers, has always charged at them head on
without even considering the probability that they won’t crumple under his
ironclad resolve, and this one is no different.
“I don’t want romance, Captain Levi,” he says and the hand still clutching
Levi’s jacket moves to hover over his shoulder. “But I do want to kiss you
again.” He stares at Levi like he wants the permission he did not bother with
before. His stare is hopeful and almost too intense to meet.
Levi doesn’t say yes because that path will only lead to disaster.
But he doesn’t say no either because clearly, his mind also broke along with
his ankle in that thrice-damned forest.
Eren doesn’t waste the chance. His arms wrap tight around Levi, pulling him
further onto the bed and against Eren who kisses him, properly this time, mouth
open and tongue hot against the seam of Levi’s lips. He allows it, doesn’t know
why when he was thinking moments ago that Eren’s just a boy and Levi’s never
seen him this way anyway but the fact is that Eren doesn’t kiss like a kid; his
mouth is sweet and hot and coaxing, and Levi-
And Levi, in that moment, is just weak enough to give in.
He doesn’t regret it.
Later, he will push Eren away and tell him that this won’t happen again, and he
will know that it’s a lie.
 
***** time is a valuable thing *****
Chapter Summary
     A slip of the tongue.
Chapter Notes
     Chapter titles are from Linkin Park’s 'In The End' but the song has
     nothing to do with the story unless you omit a few parts and squint
     really hard.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
No amount of burying himself in the conveniently endless amount of paperwork is
enough to distract Levi from the truth he desperately doesn’t want to
acknowledge.
He misses Eren.
What’s funny is the countless times in the past four years that Levi told Eren
to not get attached. It was his mantra, not to himself because he foolishly
thought himself safe from falling, but to Eren who always only smiled,
cheerfully in the beginning and wistfully towards the end when the brat was
still under the delusion of loving Levi.
A delusion he has clearly grown out of as recent events have shown. And that
leaves Levi, pining for the kid despite knowing that he made the right
decision. Eren’s growing up, moving on and it’s not that Levi doesn’t want to
be happy for him but it’s hard to do that when there’s a bigass boulder
weighing down his chest, turning every breath into a world of pain whenever he
remembers that he won’t turn around and see Eren smiling at him like Levi hung
the fucking sky and decorated it with stars just for him.
He remembers often.
Eren, for his part, seems to have mastered the skill of avoiding Levi. It’s
admittedly not a hard task given that Levi only leaves his room to eat and
train, the latter of which is a solitary exercise (Eren used to join him, said
he loved to watch Levi, always kissed him afterwards with barely constrained
hunger). Meal times would have been trickier but Eren is never there when Levi
is, showing more tact than Levi has previously seen from him.
These days, there’s not much for the Survey Corps to do inside the walls except
stock up on supplies for the next exploration expedition and that doesn’t
involve Levi. There’s ample paperwork which Hanji seems fond of pushing off on
him so that they can gallivant around experimenting, the brief forays into the
outside world providing ample new material for them. It’s simultaneously a
blessing and a curse. On one hand, he can shut himself in and avoid people
without making it seem like he’s moping.
On the other, it leaves him with little company but his thoughts which are
always Eren this, Eren that, as if a few years of constant exposure to a
hyperactive brat with no brain to mouth filter has left Levi unable to cope
without his loud presence.
Maybe it has. It would fit right in with the series of clusterfucks that have
made up his joke of a life.
And the damnedest thing is that he can’t bring himself to regret even a moment
with Eren.
 
                             Three-Four Years Ago
 
It is, in fact, a lie.
For some time after that first kiss, there are no further complications, both
of them too busy with newfound threats and their obligations to humanity. But
eventually, things settle down somewhat and Levi finds out the hard way that
Eren did not conveniently forget that kiss nor the stilted conversation that
followed.
It’s not that Levi particularly wants to have morally ambiguous trysts with his
much younger subordinate but Eren is a relentless force of nature who is all
too happy to take Levi’s silence as permission and Levi, for his part, finds
himself exceptionally weak to the way Eren’s hands and mouth spread fire
through his veins. It’s the most alive he’s felt in years. The sensation is
almost addictive.
Then there’s the fact that he genuinely likes Eren, a sentiment which is
obviously returned. And oddly enough, Eren seems interested in spending time
with Levi without pinning him to walls or pulling him into dark corners, time
usually spent in companionable silence occasionally broken by Levi’s shitty
jokes and Eren’s responses which range from startled laughter to audible eye-
rolling.
It’s all disgustingly pleasant.
Levi sometimes repeats his first warning to Eren, to not get attached, that
romance is a joke, but the boy is always quick to assure him – with an
appreciative leer that sits as unsettlingly attractively on his face as his
expression of unconstrained rage – that he just wants Levi’s body. And
hopefully his friendship.
Let it never be said that Eren Jaeger is not honest.
Levi has few friends, neither his position nor his disposition all that
conductive to the patterns that most people fall into effortlessly. There’s
Erwin but theirs is a relationship laden with too much darkness to ever attain
any kind of carefree sincerity. There’s respect between them and maybe some
form of love, but no affection. Hanji is an odd case, their own boundaries as
few as their respect for that of others. That they care for Levi is obvious and
the sentiment is returned because Levi’s always been weak to people who see him
as he is without the embellishments brought on by his reputation but it’s
pointless to try and steer anything involving Hanji into any form of normalcy.
So when Eren Jaeger speaks of friendship with a guileless grin and a too-soft
gaze, Levi’s lost on what to say or do. He has no framework to fall back on,
not even the slightest clue on how to go about forming a friendship when in the
past, it’s always been something that just happened to him.
But then Eren says, “I like to think we already are though. Friends, I mean?”
His tone tilts at the end, uncertain and hopeful, and Levi really doesn’t know
how to deal with this guy. He’s almost envious of the good old days when all he
had to worry about was if he could cut Eren out of his titan without killing
him in the process.
But only almost because confusion aside, he can’t deny that he likes this
arrangement better.
The sex is good, excellent even, a welcome respite from the endless strain of
life. Eren’s no blushing virgin nor does he have even a vague sense of shame.
What he lacks in skill, he makes up for with enthusiasm and patient
observation. It’s arousing, if a little shocking, to see the way he throws
himself into the target of his interest, said target being Levi himself in this
case, with a whole-hearted fervor that never fails to leave Levi a panting,
exhausted mess.
He’s good company too, surprisingly enough. He’s not as insufferably loud as
his occasional outbursts indicate, and seems capable of keeping his mouth shut
while doing whatever task he’s assigned or taken up himself without bothering
Levi with inane conversation.
And when they do talk, it’s easy and entertaining. Eren has long since grown
used to Levi’s crassness and the boy’s tactless honesty complements it well.
“Captain?” Eren waves a hand in front of his face, instinctively leaning away
when Levi swats at his head. He smiles at Levi, happy and playful. Levi notices
their easy familiarity with each other with a start.
Huh.
When did that happen?
“Levi,” he says, mind reeling from the realization he has yet to truly process.
“Not Captain. Calling me my name would be a good start.”
Eren’s expression of shocked pleasure is strangely gratifying.
“Only in private,” he clarifies quickly, “You’re still my subordinate.”
“Of course,” Eren agrees easily, still beaming like he’s single-handedly won
the titan war. It’s kind of endearing, a thought that Levi quickly cleanses
from his mind.
And so in the end, that’s what they become. Friends.
Friends who often fuck. It’s simple and uncomplicated.
Until it isn’t.
Levi isn’t sure exactly what series of events led to Eren spending nights in
his bed, waking him with the morning with wandering hands and sneaking out to
his own room before anyone can see, but he vaguely remembers something about
cold dungeons and an ill-thought offer made in post-orgasmic haze. He can blame
no one but himself for allowing Eren to continue doing it.
He knows it’s a bad idea but it’s a minor point in the long list of bad
decisions he’s made concerning the boy.
And if Levi sleeps better with a warm body pressed close to his own and
familiar hands holding him, that’s only for him to know.
That’s how he wakes one morning, Eren curled around his back, face pressed to
Levi’s hair and legs tangled with his. His arms are tight around Levi, clingy
in sleep in a way he never is when awake. Levi shakes off the last vestiges of
sleep and turns in the arms caging him in, Eren unconsciously adjusting his
grip to permit the moment.
Up close, Eren looks peaceful, as he always does when asleep.
“Oi, brat, wake up.”
Eren’s eyes blink open, unfocused for a moment before clarity descends. He
doesn’t bother moving away or releasing Levi, opting instead to press even
closer, ducking his head to Levi’s for a close-mouthed kiss. It’d be
disconcertingly sweet if not for the way Eren’s hips jerk forward, rubbing
their morning erections together with little ceremony and drawing a gasp from
Levi. Eren doesn’t waste the chance and the kiss goes from sweet to filthy
lightening fast.
Eren is as relentless as ever, undulating his body with slow, firm motions that
complement the dance of his tongue in Levi’s mouth. Levi finds it easy to
surrender to the sensations, to stop thinking and sink into the pleasure, to
allow Eren to drink in his gasps and sighs with enthusiastic delight. When a
broad hand wraps around both of their cocks and strokes, Levi rests his head
against Eren’s shoulder and breathes through the mounting pressure until his
breath is stolen from him in splashes of white.
Afterwards, Eren pulls back, not too far, just enough to look at Levi and grin
in dazed contentment.
It’s not too bad, getting used to this kind of mornings.
“Damn,” Eren murmurs, voice husky with sleep and something else. “Damn, I love
you.”
Levi freezes, the pleasurable fog clearing from his mind in an instant,
replaced by a clarity that is painful in its sharpness. Eren seems unconcerned,
still smiling happily, and for an instant, Levi is tempted to believe that he
imagined those words. But he knows he didn’t. The words echo in his mind and
the casual sincerity with which they were uttered make him feel vaguely sick.
Eren finally notices Levi’s stiff body and stricken expression, frowning in
confusion before what he said fully registers.
“Oh. Shit. Levi, I-” For once, he seems at a loss on what to say, gaping at
Levi with bright eyes opened wide. There’s the first stirring of panic in them.
But then they slip shut and he watches as Eren breathes deep and slow in a
visible attempt to calm down. Levi himself is still frozen, his own emotions a
wild mixture of fear and anger and sorrow.
“I’m sorry,” Eren says quietly, eyes opening once again. “I’ve said it so many
times in my head that it just slipped out.”
That doesn’t help. At all.
He opens his mouth but Eren cuts him off, saying, “I know you don’t
reciprocate. That’s fine. I’m absolutely fine with that.”
Eren’s usually a better liar than that.
“Brat. Eren, how many times have I told you-”
“Don’t get attached, this isn’t a romance.” Eren cuts him off again, which
would usually piss him off but Levi has other concerns now, like the shakiness
of Eren’s false smile and the ice spreading through his own chest. “I remember
that but- but it was always too late to avoid attachment, even back then. You
know that. As for romance, well it’s not like I expect that. I’m firmly rooted
in reality, Captain. I don’t expect you to fall in love with me just because I
did. Can’t you just forget that I said anything?”
Levi doesn’t bother answering that, his expression alone making it clear what
he thinks of that.
Neither of them talks much after that. Levi’s half lost in his own thoughts but
at the same time, unable to ignore Eren whose presence seems to have doubled in
size, suffocating him.
If the way Eren’s acting is any indication – glazed eyes staring at nothing one
moment, uncertain glances at Levi the next – then he’s feeling the same.
For the first time since the early days of their affair, the air between them
is unbearably awkward.
Stupid shitbrained brat. How dare he-
If Levi could think in more than broken, curse-ridden sentences, he would try
and sort out a proper response to the boy but he can’t.
He can’t.
It’s Eren who leaves first and Levi watches his back, broad and tense and still
undeniably attractive.
But Eren doesn’t just walk out and leave this sordid mess behind. Of course
not. Instead he stops with the door half-open and turns, eyes not quite meeting
Levi’s as he says, “I didn’t mean to say it. But Captain Levi, I don’t regret
that I did.”
And then he’s gone but the air is no less suffocating for it.
Or maybe that’s just Levi.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     The second section is over thrice the length of the first. Oops.
     Look at me trying to write angst while trying not to be melodramatic
     and having no clue if it’s working. Is it working?
***** kept everything inside and it all fell apart *****
Chapter Summary
     “We gonna talk about the titan in the room or what?”
     At that, Levi finally looks up, reluctantly meeting Eren’s gaze only
     to find it fixed on the ceiling. He’s sitting with his chair
     precariously tipped back, arms locked under his head. There’s a
     little twist to his mouth that is in no way happy.
     “Didn’t know you were that in love with yourself.”
Chapter Notes
     Once again, the present segment is more introspection than any plot
     progression. This is gonna come bite me in the ass in the later
     chapters.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
It doesn’t get any easier but Levi soon becomes accustomed the dull ache of
Eren’s absence.
He’s used to loss and in a way, this is nowhere near bad as it could have been.
Eren’s still alive after all. Alive and whole.
The confines of his room gets old quite fast and he ventures out more – he
wasn’t hiding or moping or wasting away like a lovelorn fool and Hanji can just
shove their assumptions up their unwashed ass. There’s still not much to do but
some extra training can never be amiss, especially when the rush of defying
gravity takes his mind off less pleasant matters if only for a brief time.
He still doesn’t run into Eren, not even once, further proof of the great pains
he’s taking to avoid Levi.
He supposes he should feel grateful for the consideration, if that’s what it is
and not simply embarrassment, but he finds himself oddly irritated at Eren’s
continued avoidance. What’s the point? The royal mess of their relationship
aside, Eren is still Levi’s squadmate, one of the few surviving ones, and
they’ll have to see each other sooner or later, probably sooner with the next
expedition fast approaching.
They’re all mature adults here. Surely they can get past a few years worth of
sex and botched confessions.
(Broken hearts aren’t even in the equation; Eren was only fooling himself and
Levi has always kept his own counsel.)
And as much as he hates to admit it, he’s… worried. For Eren. Recent events
aside, Levi knows Eren, knows that for all his determination and one-track
mind, he still tortures himself if left alone with his thoughts. And now, with
Armin and Mikasa dead, and Jean over at Sina, there’s no one left to pull Eren
out of the dark places in his head, forcibly if needed. No one except Levi but
he can’t do jackshit because Eren is hiding from him.
They were friends once. Levi, masochistically, wants that back, for Eren’s sake
if not his own.
But then, he wants a lot of things that he can’t have.
In the end, it’s another week before he finally catches sight of Eren. It’s
nothing more than the side of his head and the tail end of his jacket but even
that sends Levi’s heart racing, thundering against his ribcage like it wants to
burst out and hop after the boy.
Foolish thing. It should know better.
Levi doesn’t try to follow him; he’s not that pathetic and even if he were, the
room Eren disappeared into is Hanji’s and Levi knows from past experience that
the place is more hazardous than titan territory.
He’s curious about why Eren’s visiting Hanji at their private room than their
office but it’s none of his business. He knows that they are fond of Eren and
that the sentiment is mutual. Maybe he shouldn’t be as worried for Eren as he
is, even if Hanji’s interpersonal skills are more suited for handling titans
than people.
Either way, it really is none of his business.
But that first glimpse is like the first drop of rain after a long draught; a
torrent follows. He gets brief snatches of Eren’s familiar profile, his broad
back in the distance and once, a flash of striking green that disappears before
their eyes can meet. And every single instance is near Hanji, at their room,
their office or the basement they’ve claimed as their lab. Levi is a suspicious
person by nature and the unease that springs up at this is more justified than
usual.
There are no such things as coincidences.
It’s not that he’s jealous - envious perhaps that Hanji can effortlessly,
painlessly enjoy the company he still longs for, but never jealous. A possible
love affair is not what concerns him but he doesn’t know exactly why he’s
fretting either.
Maybe it’s nothing.
Maybe Eren’s just seeking solace in the only friend he has left.
Maybe.
 
                                Three Years Ago
 
Things between them aren’t as awkward as they should be.
Eren, after a day of stealthily avoiding Levi, comes to his room at night as
usual and proceeds to act like nothing untoward has happened. Levi is only too
glad to follow his lead, still too discomfited by the memory of the morning to
even attempt any sort of discussion. How would that go in any case? There’s
nothing he can tell Eren that the brat doesn’t already know. And Eren seems to
be at peace with his misguided affection, too much so for more words from Levi
to dissuade dim.
He could do the smart thing and end this.
Their relationship has always been complicated; officer and soldier, accused
monster and designated executioner. Friendship has muddled the waters enough,
adding love to the mix, no matter how one-sided, is just begging for disaster.
Levi really should push the brat away and tell him this has to stop. Eren would
listen to him, perhaps not at first and definitely not without protests, but if
Levi stays firm, he’d cave.
And yet, Levi doesn’t say a word, doesn’t stop, because in his own way, he’s
weak. He doesn’t want to give up Eren, not his friendship or their odd
companionship. In this world that’s determined to take away everything
important to him again and again and again, he wants to hold on to this one boy
who that refuses to lie down and die no matter what life throws at him.
It’s selfish but Levi has never been a saint.
So they continue. Eren keeps his love to himself and Levi pretends to forget.
They kiss and fuck and work and banter.
It’s not as it used to be. There’s still ease and comfort between them but at
the same time, there is a rapidly building tension born of persistent memories
and unsaid words. For all that he pretends, Levi finds it impossible to forget.
In the mornings, he wakes to Eren’s face more often than not and remembers his
breathless confession, the resigned acceptance in his eyes afterwards. He can’t
imagine that it’s easy for Eren either. For all that he smiles and smiles and
fucking smiles, his eyes aren’t as bright anymore and while most of that may be
owed to the consistent wretchedness of his life, Levi can’t help but feel that
it’s partly his fault too.
He doesn’t feel guilty. He never asked Eren to love him, quite the opposite.
All the same, it disturbs him, the thought that Eren is suffering because of
him, for him.
But before he can do anything about it – not that he knows what to do, save for
some half-baked idea of talking it out – Eren is once again taking the
initiative. It’s as if he lives to shock the remaining life out of Levi.
It’s on a damp, miserable night spent huddled in Levi’s room with a stack of
reports and thick silence that Eren finally breaks. He does so with little
ceremony, dropping his pen with a conspicuous clatter and a sigh that seems to
fill up the room.
“Hey, Captain.” He’s taken to calling Levi that more often since the Incident.
“Hm?”
“We gonna talk about the titan in the room or what?”
At that, Levi finally looks up, reluctantly meeting Eren’s gaze only to find it
fixed on the ceiling. He’s sitting with his chair precariously tipped back,
arms locked under his head. There’s a little twist to his mouth that is in no
way happy.
“Didn’t know you were that in love with yourself.”
Eren gives up his dedicated study of the ceiling to give Levi an unimpressed
look that screamed I can’t believe you actually went there. Wet behind the ears
Cadet Jaeger would never have dared to look at Levi like that. But then, that
boy hadn’t spent about a year sharing Levi’s bed.
“I thought you liked my humor, Eren. I’m hurt.”
This time, Eren actually rolls his eyes, hard enough that Levi’s own ache in
sympathy.
“You should stick to shit jokes. They’re classier.”
Levi snorts at that, but the amusement dies a quick death when he considers the
conversation that’s sure to follow. Eren looks as serious as a grave, though
his eyes are impossibly soft like always as they regard Levi. He should be used
to that by now but it still sends a pleasant jolt through him.
“Talk, then.”
Eren takes his time, staring at Levi but seeing nothing. The pause stretches on
long enough that Levi has to clamp down on the urge to fidget or pace. Pacing
sounds real good at the moment.  Being seated feels oddly confining.
He wants to tell Eren to get on with it but that seems unnecessarily cruel so
he holds his tongue.
“You don’t,” Eren starts, brows furrowed and voice uncharacteristically
uncertain, “actually believe me, do you?”
He never beats around the bush, this damn brat. For once in his life, Levi
chooses his words carefully.
“I believe that you think you’re in love with me. But-” He holds up a palm to
halt Eren’s automatic protest. “But you’re still young in some ways. I won’t
insult you by saying you’re not mature enough to know what you want but wanting
me and loving me are two different things. You’ve respected, even revered, me
for a long time. For all that you seem to be past that shit, it’s hard for me
to see your…romantic feelings as anything more than confused affection.”
To say Eren doesn’t look pleased would be an understatement.
“Confuse- fuck. So I’m old enough to fuck you but not enough to love you is
what you’re saying?”
Levi doesn’t flinch away from the anger in his words but meets it dead on with
cold certainty.
“Yeah, it is. Sex is easy, brat. It doesn’t complicate shit.”
Eren shoots him a look that’s somewhere between incredulity and irritation,
throwing his hands up dramatically. And then he deflates almost physically as
the outrage drains out of him. He’s become so much better at controlling his
temper and Levi feels just a little proud.
“Never mind, we’ll never agree on this. It’s pointless to talk about it
anyway.”
“Then why did you bring it up?”
“Because we still need to talk. I mean, yeah we’re not being totally weird but
you can feel that things aren’t the same anymore, right?” He takes Levi’s faint
nod as permission to continue. “Like, okay, yes, I love you whatever you may
think. And I blurted it out though I didn’t mean to because I have shit for
brains like you remind me so often. Can we just… move past that? It couldn’t be
the first time a smitten soldier confessed to you, I mean, you’re Captain
fucking Levi for Maria’s sake.”
Levi has to smile at that because Eren, flustered and frustrated, is a sight to
see. Levi wants kiss him breathless for being so cute.
“I don’t know if you know this, but none of those smitten soldiers – and there
haven’t been as many as you seem to think – were my friends who slept with me.
You’re a special case.”
Eren considers that for all of one second before he shrugs, expression
smoothing out into something more pleasant.
“Yeah, I’m a special snowflake, I get it. Still though, what the fuck does it
matter? Let’s just go back to cursing out titans together and laughing at you
shitty jokes and fucking each other’s brains out. I like doing that. Can we do
that?”
Levi lets his head drop to the desk, shuddering with silent laughter.
“Holy shit, Eren,” he mumbles, voice distorted by his position, “I’ve been
propositioned with more grace by street whores.”
Eren’s smiling when Levi straightens, looking absurdly pleased with himself.
Probably because he made Levi laugh. He’s strange like that.
“All part of my charm. Seriously though, what do you mean there haven’t been
many? You’re pretty much the most admired man in the Corps.”
“Huh?” The sudden shift in subject catches Levi off guard but he all too
willingly accepts the change, glad for a safer topic. “Oh that. Not everyone as
blind or fixated as a certain shitty brat I know. A renowned killer in a short,
angry package of scowls and shit jokes isn’t everyone’s vision of an ideal
partner. Even then, most of those whom were stupid enough to fawn after me
weren’t suicidal enough to actually say it to my face. Or jump me, like you
did.”
Again, Eren looks entirely too smug.
“Jean always did call me a suicidal bastard. Jumping you was one of the best
decisions of my life.”
There’s not much Levi can say to that even if he could speak through the sudden
pressure in his chest. It seems so easy for Eren to say crap like that, sudden
and sincere without an ounce of shame. Honest and outspoken to a fault, and
sometimes Levi doesn’t know what to do with him.
Fondness wells up in him, warm and bubbly and fearsome in how right it feels.
He’s glad for this talk, even if leaves them exactly as they were before. It’s
good to see that happy gleam back in Eren’s eyes.
He really is too taken with this boy, can’t even regret it. Maybe he can’t
accept or even understand Eren’s feelings for him but Levi’s own, though
different, are wholly, embarrassingly genuine. That’s enough, isn’t it?
Even if he can’t give Eren what the boy would never dare voice, Levi cares for
him deeply. He loves their companionship, loves to see Eren’s smiles light up
his face, loves to touch him and be touched in return, loves how Eren holds him
tight at night, loves-
Loves how he can so easily imagine the rest of his life with Eren in it;
sharing moments both quiet and loud, waking up to gentle caresses and bruising
fingers, sweet words and reverent eyes. It’s terrifying how-
Oh.
Oh.
That’s not-
That’s not friendship.
Shit. He’s an idiot. Shitshitshitshitshitshitsh-
His frantic thoughts are cut off by Eren’s lips crashing into his. Levi
instinctively opens his mouth to the kiss and wraps his arms around the body
settling into his lap. Eren pulls back after a brief but violent plundering
that does not help Levi gather his scattered thoughts, expression one of mock
irritation.
“You were zoning out on me there, Levi. Am I that uninteresting all of a
sudden?”
It’s a joke and Levi should just go back to kissing Eren, distract himself from
the mess in his mind, but the word slips out before he can help.
“No.”
Is that really his voice, so weak and hoarse?
Eren doesn’t miss it either and he frowns, gently running a hand through Levi’s
hair. “Are you alright? Should I stop? I just thought-”
“No. Don’t stop. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
No, it’s not. Nothing is fine. This can’t be happening to Levi.
This time, it’s he who kisses Eren, as much to quiet his head as to stop the
other from reading the turmoil inside Levi. He can’t hide from Eren as easily
as he once could and he needs time to get his shit together after that recent
revelation.
He should send Eren away but he can’t. He needs this too, Eren’s mouth warm on
his, his hands roaming over Levi with harsh confidence. He needs Eren to make
him stop thinking.
And Eren delivers, attacking Levi like a starved man, with too much teeth and
broken noises. Levi’s lost in sensation, swallowed in the heat pooling in his
belly and rushing through his veins. He makes noises of his own, little gasps
and groans that Eren swallows up greedily. He settles more firmly into his lap,
hands tugging at his cravat to get to his neck. Levi leans back his head to
make it easy and then, Eren stops.
Stops and just looks at Levi, face flushed and uncertain.
“This is… this is alright, isn’t it? We’re good, right?”
Levi looks into his eyes, green and bright and deep enough to get lost in, and
wonders how in hell he fooled himself for so long. Was it his mind’s half-assed
attempt at protecting him from the unforgiving truth that Levi is already in
love with this impossible boy who’s sure to leave him behind?
In the end, it doesn’t matter.
“Yes, Eren. We’re good.”
Eren can never know.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Presenting you a repressed captain who doesn’t know his own feelings.
     Do any of us?
     If you’re confused about the difference between Eren’s behavior here
     and the confession Levi recalls in ch1, rest assured that it’ll be
     cleared up in the next chapter.
***** trying to hold on but didn’t even know *****
Chapter Summary
     Hanji takes matters into their own hands. The choice Levi regrets
     comes into play.
Chapter Notes
     I have like 10 Ereri fic ideas and 3 WIPs and I still have no idea
     what I’m doing.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The date of the expedition draws closer and Levi gets progressively busier.
Most of time is spent supervising the new recruits, a task that’s infinitely
harder that it once was owing to the current popularity of the Corps. What used
to be the most condemned branch of the military is now the most coveted, the
world outside the walls an appealing prospect now that the titans are gone.
Sometimes, he wonders how Erwin would have reacted if he were to see their
swollen numbers. Maybe he’d have smiled as he always did, pleasant and
meaningless. It’s a pointless fantasy. Dead men can’t smile.
Levi himself is mostly apathetic to their dreamy eyes and loud speculations,
more concerned with making sure that they won’t fall off their horse and die in
the most idiotic way possible. Dreams and goals have never been his forte and
that’s unlikely to ever change. He used to think that Eren dreamed enough for
the both of them but these days, he has no right to share in that boy’s dreams.
Eren.
No matter how demanding life gets, Levi somehow finds the time to think about
him. It’s not deliberate, he’s not a masochist, but neither his head nor his
heart is under his control where Eren is concerned. They never were.
Levi still sees him around, usually from a distance. Eren never seems to see
him, or if he does, he acts otherwise. Levi’s ashamed to admit that he’s taken
to hanging around Hanji’s office and lab in his free time, hoping for a glimpse
of Eren. He’s not stalking the brat. Nor is he obsessed (much). In fact, his
rather pitiful loitering actually has little to do with their now non-existent
relationship.
It’s just that he hasn’t been able to shake the feeling that something is
wrong. With Eren, and Hanji. There’s no viable reason for his suspicions but
Levi didn’t survive this long without listening to his instinct and these days,
his instinct tells him that all is not as it seems. But it’s not as if he can
ask Eren when he’s still so determined to stay out of Levi’s way, and his one
attempt to question Hanji only resulted in uncharacteristically vague answers.
That in itself is enough to cement his doubts.
He was hoping it was nothing but now, he’s not so sure.
And then, without warning, he gets a chance to allay his concerns. If he were
the sort to believe in a higher power, he would say that life decided to take
pity on his mounting frustration. But he’s not and besides, when Eren is frozen
in front of him, looking at Levi with comically wide eyes, philosophical
musings are the farthest things from his mind. Distantly, he notes that Eren
looks different. Leaner, older. Tired.
“Eren.”
He doesn’t answer, just continues gaping at Levi, now with a twinge of panic on
his face. That irritates Levi beyond words.
“Oi, is this going to be a problem?”
It’s not what he meant to ask but if the mere sight of Levi is doing this to
Eren, it’s hard to imagine them working together as a team.
“I… what?”
“Have you lost whatever brain cells you had, shitty brat? I asked of this was
going to be a problem. There’s an expedition fast approaching and you’re part
of my squad. If you freeze up like a fucking virgin on their wedding night at
the sight of me, we’re gonna have issues.”
“Le- Captain. I’m not- I don’t-” Eren shuts his mouth after that stuttering
effort, looking away from Levi.
He’s never seen Eren like this, not even in the immediate days following the
courtroom incident. It’s unsettling.
“Listen, Eren,” Levi tries, forcing himself to be a little softer than before.
“I know this is odd and awkward but we’ve put aside worst for duty’s sake. Just
tell me you can still do that.”
It’s physically painful to not reach out and stroke Eren’s face, to ease away
the furrow of his brows.
Eren turns his head back to Levi, and as he watches, the tension and alarm
drains away from his youthful but haggard face, leaving a carefully blank mask.
Levi has to stifle the urge to flinch away from that expression, or lack
thereof.
“That won’t be a problem, Captain.” Eren’s voice is hard and cold. He sounds
like a stranger. “I will not be participating in the next expedition.”
Levi’s thoughts screech to a halt, sheer shock freezing him in place. Eren
takes advantage of that and slips away, nearly running in his haste to get away
from Levi who can’t find it in himself to react in any way except to stare at a
rapidly retreating back.
Eren said he’s not going.
That’s not… that can’t be right.
“Hey, Levi, think we’ll find the ocean this time around?”
“I’m so excited. The outside world never gets boring, does it?”
“You know, I had no idea the world could be so beautiful. It makes all those
sacrifices seem almost worth it.”
“Next one’s in two months, right? Damn, I can’t wait.”
What changed? In just a handful of days, what changed?
What’s happening?
Someone clears their throat from behind him and Levi whips around to see Hanji
at the mouth of the corridor, staring at Levi with something akin to pity in
their eyes.
It’s startling, how swiftly hopeless confusion turns into helpless fury.
He’s tired of feeling so lost and worried, caught up in concerns that may or
may not exist. He wants answers and by the Walls, he’ll get them even if he has
to pry them out of Hanji by force.
He stalks a few steps towards them, only to pause when they raise their hands
in a conciliatory gesture. They smile at him but it’s not half as genuine, nor
as manic, as their usual expression.
“I know what you’re going to ask and I agree. We need to talk. Not here though.
Come with me.”
They take Levi to their office, locking the door behind them. The growing
melancholy on Hanji’s face doesn’t escape his notice and that’s the only reason
why he waits until they’re both seated to demand that they start talking.
Hanji gives him another of those wane smiles, more disturbing than usual in the
way it twists their face into unfamiliar lines.
“I wasn’t going to interfere,” they tell him, “I was going to respect Eren’s
decision.” Levi’s not as surprised as he should be to hear that. Of course
Eren’s told Hanji everything. “But now you’re both miserable and it’s helping
no one.”
That piques his interest. It’s almost as if Hanji’s saying that ending
everything was as painful to Eren as Levi but why would that be when it was
Eren’s decision in the first place. Eren said that he didn’t love Levi, that he
was just confused. And he made it clear that he wanted some space. Why would he
be miserable? Unless…
“Levi, there’s something you need to know.”
Unless Eren was lying.
“Eren’s dying.”
 
                                 Two Years Ago
                                        
Levi is no stranger to death. He’s watched a great many die - friends,
comrades, superiors, subordinates. He’s come close a few times himself,
escaping by as much luck as skill from a titan’s reaching hands or snapping
teeth.
So when the aftermath of one expedition finds him bedridden with broken ribs
and a twinging ankle, he finds himself less concerned with how close he came to
death than with the sheer stupidity of the manner in which it came about.
Levi’s fine with dying. For humanity, as titan fodder, as victim of his own
choices; all of that is fine. But a shitstain of a rookie soldier, misfired
grapples that Levi happened to be in the way of and the ensuing intimate
encounter with a tree are emphatically not good reasons to die. In fact, it’s
just fucking stupid and if not for the Corps’ numbers being so abysmally low
after being nearly decimated, he would kill the newbie himself for sheer
incompetence.
Pain’s always made him cranky and vaguely homicidal.
The only positive of the whole ordeal is that Levi gets a very diligent and
very capable nurse in the form of a titan shifter who seems to have cast aside
his righteous temper in favor of taking up the art of fussing. It’s
simultaneously frustrating and endearing.
(It also does little to alleviate the problem of the heart that Levi has
developed for the boy but he’s become an expert at ignoring that).
The strange thing is that Eren seems to instinctively know the perfect blend of
firmness and lenience required to handle Levi without getting something thrown
at him. He’s not scared of or in awe of Humanity’s Strongest like most of the
Corps’ medically knowledgeable members nor is he bossy and inflexible like the
remaining ones. He’s also certainly a welcome change from Hanji whose idea of
treatment has always involved too much yelling and general pestering.
Eren is… kind and attentive and warm.
He’s also all too willing to tear into Levi when he’s being a ‘stubborn
assbucket’ and physically manhandle his weakened body when warranted. Levi
finds it oddly attractive but that’s something he’ll take to the grave. He’s in
no state for sex in any case.
But in general, he’s almost enjoying his convalescence thanks to Eren. So
naturally the universe tries to balance it out, also with Eren.
It starts with an innocuous, “Hey, Levi, can we talk?”
Levi, pleasantly drowsy from Eren’s earlier ministrations, hums out his
agreement. He crack an eye open, finds Eren seated on the chair beside his bed
with that look of mingled nervousness and determination on his face that spells
trouble for Levi. He’s not that sleepy all of a sudden.
“You almost died,” Eren begins, only to cut off with a pained grimace. His gaze
lingers on the bandages covering Levi’s chest.
Levi sighs in exasperation and reaches over to flick Eren’s forehead, pleased
by the other’s answering yelp.
“Yeah, and trust me, I hate it as much as you do. But sometimes shit happens.
All we can do is accept it and move on.”
Levi’s hope that his usual dose of callous pragmatism would be enough to snap
Eren out of whatever funk he’s in is dashed as the boy only shakes his head,
looking outright pained.
“That’s not it.” Eren’s voice is somber and quiet, which is never a good sign.
“I know shit happens. I’ve lived that for years. But you – you almost – this is
the first time I’ve seen you injured this badly. You’ve just always been kinda
invincible, I guess. Then this happens and I’m reminded that you can die as
easily as any of us.”
“Excuse me, brat, for shattering-” Levi’s scathing retort is cut off by the
rough palm clamping over his mouth. He glares at Eren and finds him glaring
right back.
“That’s not it either. Shut up and listen to me, will you? I’m not saying
there’s anything wrong with that. You’re human, I know that. I’ve just never
had to think of it before and now I can’t fucking stop and I keep coming back
to the fact that if you die, or if I die, then there’ll be something I regret
not telling you.”
Levi drops his glare, surprise overtaking indignation. He has a bad feeling
about where this is going.
“Levi, I love you.”
Ah, shit.
Eren removes his hand, staring expectantly at Levi but looking as if it’s more
for a tongue lashing than any words of acceptance or reciprocation. The brat
knows him well. And even just a year ago, Levi would have reacted exactly like
that.
But now… now all he can do is choke out a weak, “You already have told me
that.” And I’ve told you that I don’t believe you.
“No, not really. That was a slip. You didn’t believe me anyway. And afterwards,
we agreed to overlook it. But,” Eren stops, takes a deep shuddering breath to
steady himself. His eyes never once leave Levi’s, trapping him in their
passionate intensity. “I don’t want to do that anymore, to pretend that I don’t
care as much as I do. You… you’re fucking amazing, Levi. Not just because
you’re Humanity’s Strongest but because you’re Levi. You’re kind and sarcastic
and attentive and rude and Walls, you can be such an asshole but you’re also
really sweet. Sometimes I look at you and I can’t even breathe with how much I
love you.”
Eren needs to shut up. Levi desperately needs him to shut the hell up but he
can’t make his mouth move to say the words.
“And I don’t care if you never return my feelings or if you don’t want anything
to do with me after you heal. I’m not going to hide anymore. I really do love
you.”
Levi knows he’s trembling and Eren might think it’s from anger but the truth is
that he’s overwhelmed, torn because he wants to reject the words but can’t help
how desperately he wants them to be true. No one’s told him he’s loved before,
not like this, so bluntly and fervently honest.
“Eren,” he tries, ruthlessly squashing the part of him that wants to pull the
boy into is arms. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
A chair clatters to the floor.
He’s seen Eren angry in the past, has witnessed countless the times the fury in
him that seems to have a mind of its own. But it’s never before been directed
at him. Now, though, with Eren looming over him, all clenched fists and short
breaths and pulsing veins, Levi finds himself the subject of all that unbridled
rage. He isn’t scared, knowing that Eren would never dare hurt him, but he
still feels oddly vulnerable, trapped as he is in his damnable sickbed.
And as much as he hates to admit it, he knows it’s less because of Eren’s anger
than the forthcoming words Levi can’t escape from.
Eren won’t rest until he’s convinced Levi.
Levi doesn’t want to be convinced.
“I’m not a kid anymore, I know what I feel. Dammit, Captain look at me!” Levi,
who wasn’t even aware that he closed his eyes with the first word, opens them,
unable to even summon any irritation for his presumptuous brat. Eren’e eyes are
green pools of fire and Levi can’t look away. “Do not tell me that I don’t know
what I feel. You really think I’m that stupid?” No, never. It’s Levi who’s
stupid. “I know I’m young, Levi, but that doesn’t automatically invalidate what
I feel. You’re not my first love.”
What.
That actually startles a sound out of Levi. He can only imagine the expression
on his face but it must be enough to give Eren pause. His fiery eyes soften and
with a weary sigh, he lowers himself down on the mattress beside Levi, being
careful not to let their bodies touch. Levi tells himself that he is not
itching to reach out and draw Eren to him.
You’re not my first love.
But Eren is Levi’s first.
“Who was it?” Levi asks even though he’s not sure he wants to know. He’s not
certain why; is it something as simple as not wanting to hear Eren talk about
prior romantic endeavors or is he afraid that he will no longer have a
convincing reason to reject Eren’s feelings?
Eren smiles then, or rather, his mouth twitches into a grim mockery of a smile,
and Levi’s self-centered concerns vanish at the self-deprecation and pain
painting that expression.
“The female titan. Annie Leonhart. It didn’t last long and no one knew – though
I think Armin figured it out and Mikasa probably suspected something. She was
something else. Annie, I mean. I don’t think it meant anything more than sex to
her but I, well, I guess have a tendency to complicate things for myself.”
Levi listens without reacting, initial shock replaced by calculation as he
recalls Eren’s past encounters with the female titan. His inability to take her
down in the forest, his vehement refusal to believe the titan was Leonhart, the
report that said how Eren had trouble shifting in Stohess, all of which Levi
considered to be affection for a friend and comrade only to now be cast in a
wholly different light.
“I seem to have a type too,” Eren continues, gruesome grin still in place. He
doesn’t look at Levi. “Stonefaced angry midgets.”
“Fucking brat,” Levi growls without any heat and imagines that Eren’s smile
becomes less harsh at that. A thought occurs to him. “You kissed me after
Stohess.”
Eren grimaces.
“Yeah, I…wanted to be distracted. And I’ve always been attracted to you. I
mean, I wasn’t in love with Annie at that point but it still…hurt.”
“And I was conveniently there.” Levi doesn’t sound bitter. Because he’s not
bitter.
He’s not.
Eren, though, displays his inclination to be impeccably perceptive at the most
irritating of times.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. You weren’t a replacement. I wouldn’t do that
to you, Levi.”
This time, it’s Levi who averts his gaze. Eren sounds so unbearably earnest
that Levi has no choice but to believe him.
“How would you know what I’m thinking?”
“I-” A hand wraps around Levi’s, lifting it. Lips brush against his fingertips.
“I think I know you well enough to guess.”
“That so.” It pricks at his heart, the way Eren hums in affirmation and presses
his forehead to Levi’s palm. He looks so tired.
“Don’t you get tired of loving someone who doesn’t love you back? Surely even a
shitty mess like you has better options.”
Eren grins. Levi can feel it on his skin. “I don’t care. I’m fine with that. It
doesn’t hurt me. Like I said, I don’t need you to return my feelings, only
acknowledge them. Just…I just want you to know that you’re loved.”
Levi doesn’t cry. His tears have dried up years ago. But the burn in his eyes
and the lump in his throat beg for release that he denies. He doesn’t confess
either, biting back the words for reasons he no longer knows.
Maybe he’s just scared.
“And how long can you keep it up, Eren, before it breaks you?”
This time, Eren laughs, lifting his face to gaze down fondly at Levi.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll never break. As long as you’re here and well, that’s
enough for me.”
Stupid boy. Stupid fucking brat.
Levi opens his mouth but nothing comes out. What he should say, what he wants
to say and what Eren needs to hear are all unclear.
“So what’s it gonna be, Levi? You going to send me away or can I stay?”
I love you too, Levi thinks but can’t say out loud for the life of him.
“Stay. Eren, stay.” Always. Please.
Eren smiles, and stays.
And Levi doesn’t say what he should have.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Finally, answers. Cliché as fuck, I know. Sorry.
***** the clock ticks life away *****
Chapter Summary
     Sometimes, the truth is worse than the lie.
Chapter Notes
     Warning: Major mood dissonance between the two parts.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Eren’s dying.”
Levi spends the rest of the day in a daze.
He listens to Hanji in mute shock and returns to his room afterwards, not
asking questions, not demanding answers, not doing anything except turn the
gruesome truths he just learned over and over in his mind, trying in vain to
understand, hoping that Hanji will burst through the doors and cry that
everything they said was just a morbid joke.
“His body’s breaking down.”
And then Levi will kick them and they’ll scream out a laugh and all will be
well. Eren still won’t talk to him, won’t have anything to do with him but
that’s fine. That’s fine because Levi’s not important here, Eren is and the
point is that Eren deserves a long, happy life, deserves to be loved and held
and fucking worshipped. Deserves more than Levi so even if Eren won’t talk to
him or look at him or fight with him, it’s fine.
“All that shifting was too much after all.”
But it’s not. It’s not fine, nothing’s fine.
“He has only a few months left. Six at best.”
Eren isn’t fine. He’s dying.
Levi has always been a realist, accustomed to accepting the truth no matter how
harsh. But for once, he desperately wants the truth to be a lie, a fever dream,
something. Anything as long as it doesn’t involve the end of Eren Jaeger.
Life’s never given Levi what he wants and this is no different.
“I’m sorry, Levi.”
He still doesn’t know why Eren left him. Hanji refused to say, insisting
instead that Levi go talk to the boy. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to, his
first impulse was to hunt down Eren, but Levi knows himself well enough to
realize that it’s better if he takes his time to process the shit he’s just
found out before rushing off to confront Eren. He may not know why Eren decided
that he was better off without Levi or why he’s so miserable about his own
decision, but no longer does he care. Levi’s not going to stay away knowing
that Eren is… that Eren needs… Eren…
He’s not going to let the man he loves die alone.
Even if Eren pushes him away, no matter how many times, Levi is going to stay
by his side. Eren’s not the only one who can be stubborn.
But despite his convictions, it’s late at night before Levi can bring himself
to even leave his room, let alone seek out Eren. In some ways, nothing feels
real. He certainly wishes so.
One advantage of the late hour is that Eren is almost certainly in his room and
it’s there that Levi’s feet guides him, unusually hesitant despite the itch
under his skin screaming at him to hurry.
The door is unlocked. Levi doesn’t knock and walks in on Eren in the middle of
changing. One look at the body he’s learned so well is enough for Levi to know
that it was neither a dream nor a joke. Hanji was telling nothing but the
truth.
Because Eren looks like a wasted shadow of himself; ribs visible on is torso,
arms skinnier than they should be, veins bulging unnaturally around his neck…
the only part of him that retains any vitality is his face that is currently
set in an expression of panic as he stares at Levi.
The stare morphs into a glare and Levi almost collapses from sheer relief at
the familiarity of it.
“Why are you here?” Eren sounds as harsh as he did when they last spoke. Levi
doesn’t care.
“I talked to Hanji.” It’s remarkable, how drastically a few words can affect
someone. Levi watches, helpless and uncertain, as Eren’s eyes widen in
understanding and his whole face crumples with a despair that defies words.
It’s not dissimilar to the expression he wore when he lost his closest friends.
“They… they shouldn’t have done that. I told them not do that.”
Levi shrugs, affecting a nonchalance he doesn’t feel.
“I didn’t give them much of a choice.”
Eren throws him a look that’s loaded with skepticism as if he doubts that Levi
would go too far in pressuring his friends. Ironic that while he did not have
to press Hanji, at the time he was perfectly willing to hold a blade to their
throat if it meant knowing what was going on with Eren. He doesn’t think Eren
knows what Levi is willing to do for him.
Maybe that’s why he left.
Levi steps fully inside, gently closing the door behind him and locking it.
“So you know. Still doesn’t explain why you’re here.”
That hurts.
“Doesn’t it?” Levi asks quietly. “I have never said that I don’t care about
you. Do you really think I’d sit back and let you-” Die.
He still can’t say what he needs to. When did he become such a coward?
Eren barks out a hollow laugh, the dim light and its shadows twisting his face
into gruesome lines. He unceremoniously drops to the bed, half-sitting, half-
sprawling on it with his head raised to the ceiling.
“There’s not letting involved, Captain. You can’t do shit about it. No one
can.”
The resignation in his voice startles Levi. Eren, the boy who never gives up,
who always got back up, sounds utterly and completely exhausted. It’s
fundamentally wrong.
“I love you.”
It takes Eren whipping his head around to gape at Levi for him to understand
that it was he who said the words, out loud no less.
There’s a long beat of silence. And then-
“I know.”
It’s Levi’s turn to stare in disbelief. Eren meets it calmly, except for the
clench of his hands in the bed sheets.
“I never thought you’d say it again though.”
“…how?”
“I heard you that night.”
Levi doesn’t need further clarification. He knows precisely which night Eren is
referring to - the eve of Eren’s final trial, the one that decided whether or
not the last titan shifter would be allowed to live. Levi let his walls down
that night, confessing to what he thought to be Eren’s sleeping form while
pleading for him to live because Levi couldn’t stand to have him die. Eren was
allowed to live and he never gave any indication of having heard Levi. And Levi
once again retreated to the safety of silence, keeping his feelings to himself
even as he basked in Eren’s love.
That was selfish of him, wasn’t it?
He doesn’t realize that he’s been moving until he’s kneeling by the floor by
Eren’s feet, forehead pressed to the boy’s knee. In comfort or apology, he
doesn’t know, but the warmth that reaches his skin even through Eren’s clothes
draws a sigh out of him.
“I’m sorry, Eren.”
And Eren laughs. For once, it’s not a pleasant sound but hard and broken, the
edges of it digging into Levi, leaving bloody gashes in their wake.
“Are you now. Is it because I’m dying?” Levi flinches at the word. He keeps his
face hidden in Eren’s leg, not having the strength to face him now. “Do you
pity me, Levi? That why you’re here? Poor little titan brat, finally paying the
price for being a monster.”
For the briefest of instants, Levi can do nothing but kneel there in horror,
numbly listening to the words being thrown at him like poisoned arrows. Then
he’s moving, rising up from his crouch and practically collapsing on Eren in
his haste to take the boy in his arms.
He’s not angry, hurt and shocked, but not angry. Eren could beat the shit out
of him now and Levi would happily let him.
How had he not known? How had he not seen? How could he have let Eren suffer
alone?
“You’re not a monster, you were never a monster,” Levi breathes into Eren’s
ear, hands tight around the body that remains stiff in his embrace. “And you
don’t- you’re the last person who – this shouldn’t be happening to you, Eren.
You’re supposed to live.”
His breath hitches at the end and he’s horrified to feel a telltale burn in his
eyes but all that is driven from his mind when Eren’s arms close around him,
strong despite their diminished state. Fingers sink into Levi’s hair, tugging
his head back so that Eren can look at him. Gone is the near stranger who
glared at Levi with cold contempt and in his place is the Eren he knows, warm
eyes gazing at Levi with that old fondness.
“It’s happening anyway, Levi.”
He knows he’s not imagining the sadness in Eren’s voice. Levi presses closer to
him.
Neither of them speaks for a long while, content to just stay like that, bodies
close and breaths in sync.
Later, there will be questions and explanations, tears and smiles, plan and
regrets. But for now, they’re together and that is enough.
 
                         One Year and Four Months Ago
 
Apprehension flits through Levi as Eren stirs on the bed, lashes fluttering as
a telltale groan escapes his mouth. He’s about to wake.
That itself is nothing new. Eren has woken at least a dozen times, though never
for too long, in the last five days, green eyes dull but seemingly lucid right
until the point he starts talking to people who aren’t there, people who aren’t
even alive, a number that has gone up dramatically since the final battle
against the beast titan.
The war is over and the Corps is now a skeleton crew, their lives the price
paid for freedom.
Last time he woke, Eren was a little better. At least he saw Levi, rather than
his dead mother or equally dead friends. But then he asked after Mikasa and
Armin, both of whom had fallen to the beast right before Eren’s eyes, and Levi
had to swallow the lump in his throat as he assured Eren that they were just
resting and would be back in the morning. Eren accepted it with a smile, raised
his one whole hand to touch Levi’s cheek and slipped right back into sleep.
It’s morning now, Eren’s waking again and Levi can only hope that he will be
himself this time or at least not ask for those Levi can’t give to him.
“Captain…” Levi tenses at the title. Eren rarely calls him that these days.
Does this mean Eren’s stuck in the past again? But he allays that particular
concern with his next words. “Levi… I’m not feeling so well.”
Being almost torn half and overexerting to the point of fusing with his titan
can do that to person. But Levi wisely keeps the words to himself, less because
of some newfound tact than uncertainty about the state of Eren’s memories.
“You took a lot of damage,” he says instead but Eren only shrugs, apparently
unconcerned with the state of his still healing body. He seems more interested
in staring at Levi with a frown that morphs into a dopey smile as the silence
stretches on.
“You’re so pretty.”
Levi blushes so violently that his face feels like it’s on fire.
It’s not that he’s unused to Eren saying shit like that. The idiot has always
been incorrigible about that no matter how many times Levi threatened to rip
out his balls and feed them to him. But to hear it like this out of the blue
after days of tension and grief and incessant worrying is startling, to say the
least, and… fuck he’s still blushing.
Eren continues to beam at him, the expression almost hiding how haggard his
face is. Levi can’t help the warmth that blooms in him at the sight, however
ephemeral it may be. It’s been too long since Eren smiled like this, bright and
carefree.
“Levi?” Eren murmurs, quieter than before but just as joyful.
“Yeah?”
“I want to marry you.”
Levi slaps a hand over his face, a mortified whimper slipping out. He is
absolutely not hiding. He just needs to calm down and breathe and that’s always
best attained from behind a palm.
This kid’s going to be the death of him.
“What the actual hell, Eren?”
He drops his hand and finds Eren looking at him curiously, a confused tint to
his smile.
“I want to marry you,” Eren repeats, more slowly this time as if Levi had
trouble hearing the first time. “I don’t think you’ll let me though.”
There’s nothing he can say to that, except a resounding Yes, I will that Levi
can’t force past his lips for reasons both wise and foolish. Eren doesn’t seem
bothered by it though. If anything, he smiles even wider.
“You’ll come with me to the ocean though, right?”
Levi’s only heard of this ‘ocean’ through Eren who heard it from Armin who
purportedly read it in a book that should not have existed, not that Levi gives
half a shit about that. It sounds ridiculous to him, an endless expanse of
saltwater that meets the sky, but Eren’s belief in it has always been so firm
and tangible that not even Levi’s acerbic remarks could put a dent in it. Not
that he makes any such remarks now, is in fact unable to do anything but nod,
reaching over to rest a hand on Eren’s forehead. It’s still too hot.
“I want to see it with you, Levi,” Eren says, soft and happy, as if he’s seeing
a future that is sure to come. “With Armin and Mikasa too.” Levi goes cold at
that, chest clenching painfully. “But especially you.”
“That’s alright, Eren.” He’s proud his voice is steady. “We’ll go see your
ocean together.”
“Mm okay.”
Eren’s about to pass out again, Levi can see the familiar signs in his glazed
eyes and slurred voice.
“I love you.”
There it is again, that pesky lump in his throat.
Levi sounds hoarse when he says, “I know. Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you
wake.”
Eren presses a whisper soft kiss to Levi’s wrist and does as ordered, going
back under with a faint sigh. Levi strokes his hair, the strands grimy under
his fingers, and tries hard not to think of the last few minutes. He fails
spectacularly.
But that’s fine.
 
When Eren wakes up again, whole and healed, he will remember nothing of that
conversation.
And Levi will never forget.
 
Chapter End Notes
     This past segment was my favorite.
     Just one more chapter and the epilogue left.
***** it doesn’t even matter how hard you try *****
Chapter Summary
     Discussions are had and decisions are made.
Chapter Notes
     I fucking hate writing dialogue heavy scenes but here I am, writing
     ‘em.
     There’s only one chapter left, an epilogue of sorts.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Eventually, the peace of being together again is overwhelmed by the questions
and doubts hanging between them. Levi feels as if it’s physically painful to
remain silent anymore and from the way Eren gets progressively tenser in his
arms, the sentiment is mutual.
“Why-” Levi’s voice comes out as a guttural whisper and he clears his throat
before he continues. “Why did you leave? If you knew I… is it because I never
said anything?”
Eren sighs, an old and heavy sound, drawing away from Levi to sit up. He shifts
around on the bed until he’s leaning his back on the wall. Levi follows suit,
sitting cross-legged, facing Eren and carefully not touching him.
“That’s not it. Not entirely. I won’t lie, I kept waiting for you to say it out
loud after I was pardoned. When you didn’t, I told myself that it didn’t matter
because your actions were loving enough. But I kept worrying over it. I mean,
it just could have been you panicking over my execution, right?”
Levi opens his mouth to protest but Eren shakes his head.
“I know, you’re not the type to say shit like that out of panic but I was…
insecure. I was fine with loving you even though it was unreciprocated but
after hearing your confession that I was clearly not meant to hear, I became so
confused.” Eren pauses, takes an unsteady breath. “No matter how much I tried
to learn you, you always found ways to stump me.”
“It’s not in your nature to be hindered by something as paltry as obstacles,”
Levi says, the sarcasm buried under fondness. His heart hurts but it makes Eren
smile, and that’s worth it.
“Damn right. I wouldn’t have let it go on, honestly. I was dead set on
confronting you after that last expedition. Had a whole speech prepared, and it
may have contained a few insults you’d be proud of. But then, uh, I started
feeling funny. Dizziness, fatigue, nosebleeds, wounds taking too long to heal…
Hanji put things together. They told me soon after we got here.”
Levi remembers that Eren acted oddly during the expedition, disappearing at
random times, tiring too easily, holding hushed conversation with Hanji. He was
confused but Eren evaded his questions every time he tried to ask and after
Eren broke it off with him, Levi had other worries on his mind.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Eren grimaces, ducking his head to avoid looking at Levi.
“It’s complicated.”
“Tell me anyway. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”
Eren flinches at that, even the faux cheer from before vanishing. Something
cold settles in Levi’s gut.
“Eren? Is that what you’re worried about? That I’ll abandon you?”
“I… at first, I didn’t say anything because I was adjusting to it myself. I was
a bit of a mess but Hanji helped.” Levi tries very hard not to feel jealous of
Hanji, and fails. Epically. “After I came to terms with it, I told myself that
it was best not to tell you, that I didn’t want to see the same fear and pity
in your eyes as in Hanji’s. I thought that if I left you, you would get over it
– or maybe even hate me – so that by the time I died, you wouldn’t be too
affected.”
For a long moment, Levi can’t speak, his mind numb from the bullshit he’s just
heard. Then he breaks.
“You fucking-”
“But that was all a lie.”
Eren interrupts him, rudely, but the sudden, vicious fury in his words spares
him from the tongue-lasing Levi was working up to.
“I tried to make myself believe I was just sparing you but that was a damned
lie, Levi. I was scared. Still am. I knew what was happening to me and that it
would only get worse. I’m not just dying, I’m fucking wasting. I was so
terrified that you’d turn away in disgust, or worse, pity me. I wasn’t going to
stick around to see that happen. I knew I wouldn’t last until you returned from
this expedition so I only had to pretend to be fine till you left and even
then, I avoided you as much as I could.”
Eren is panting by the time he finishes, harsh breathing filling the room. His
eyes are wet.
“You always had too keen an eye.” He’s smiling at Levi now and it hurts to see.
“Eren,” Levi gasps, clenching his hands to stop himself from reaching out. He
can’t think. “Eren.”
“Are you angry that I think so little of you?”
Is he angry? No. It’s hard to feel anger when Levi can barely breathe through
the sheer guilt suffocating him. If Eren didn’t trust him enough to tell him he
was dying, wasn’t that Levi’s own fault? If he was honest with Eren, if he told
him how he felt, wouldn’t Eren have stayed?
“I’m not. It’s my fault that you felt that way.” The words taste bitter on his
tongue, like regret and self-loathing.
“Hey no, no. Come on, Levi, look at me.”
He can’t.
A rough hand grasps his chin and lifts his face. Levi allows the motion. Eren’s
smiling again, almost genuine.
“You know it’s not all on you. I could have talked to you. It was my own fear,
Levi.”
“I caused that fear.”
Eren sighs, shaking his head in exasperation.
“Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. All I want
to know it… what are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I’m still dying and it ain’t pretty. I won’t blame you if you-mph”
“I would hit you,” Levi tells him, one hand slapped over Eren’s mouth, “But I
can’t bring myself to. Eren? Never again imply that I’d do that to you. Even if
you weren’t my… even if we weren’t lovers, I’d still stay by you.”
Eren blinks at him, stunned. Levi takes his hand away but it’s immediately
caught and held tight in Eren’s own.
“A moment ago, you were dejected, on the verge of tears, and now you’re yelling
at me. Are you pregnant, Levi?”
“Fuck you. And I was not on the verge of anything.”
“Whatever you say, cap’n.” Eren reaches out to thumb at the corner of Levi’s
eyes, smearing the wetness there. He grins, bright and wide and joyous. Levi
can spend the rest of his life just staring at him. He wishes he could.
“I’m sorry.”
His quiet apology is answered with a kiss, sweet and chaste. Levi shudders at
the dearly missed sensation and wraps his arms around Eren, pressing their
bodies close together despite the awkward position. Eren buries his face in
Levi’s neck, breathing deep.
“I’m sorry too. But it’s fine, really. I did my part. Humanity is free now and
that’s all I ever wanted. I’m… sure they are, that Mikasa and Armin
are…waiting. I-” The string of platitudes cut off as a violent shudder rips
through Eren’s body, his hands spasming where they’re clutching Levi. He’s
about to pull back and ask what’s wrong when sobbing begins. Warm wetness soaks
the skin of his throat as he cradles Eren’s body, stunned into inactivity by
the sudden outburst. Eren’s keening cries are loud and wracked with pain, each
one tearing Levi open.
He holds Eren tight, mumbling soothing noises and nonsense words that fall on
deaf ears. He can feel tears trail down his own face, dripping soundlessly into
Eren’s hair.
It’s a long time before Eren quiets down and Levi holds him through it,
helpless and hating it. Eventually, the sobs turn into hiccups and then even
that stops. But Eren doesn’t pull away, so Levi clutches him tighter. He never
wants to let go.
“I never had a dream,” Eren tells him, his voice wrecked and heavy with tears,
“There were goals. Kill the titans. Seal Wall Maria. Find the basement. Save
humanity. Goals I was – still am – happy I reached. I never had something
pleasant to hold on to, no peaceful future to dream of. It was dangerous and
futile, thoughts like that. Even the ocean was actually Armin’s desire, one I
just borrowed. But then I met you and I… After I was pardoned, I let myself
dream. Of bringing you out of that stupid denial, of seeing the ocean – the
world – with you. These days of freedom, I wanted to spend them by your side.
Build a quiet life, no more death or violence. I…I really wanted that, Levi.”
Eren’s voice cracks and breaks throughout the speech. By the end. Levi can’t
breathe.
“I was so stupid.”
“No,” Levi denies immediately, pushing through the thickness in his throat. He
doesn’t sound any better than Eren. “You weren’t. It was a good dream. And I…I
would have loved to share it with you. I’ve always relied on you to dream for
me, Eren.”
Eren finally raises his face, the weary planes of it red and blotched as he
stares up at Levi who bends to press their lips together, a cold comfort. Eren
sighs against his lips, nuzzling lightly into Levi before pulling away with a
poorly suppressed yawn.
“I’m tired. I get tired easily these days.” He sounds bitterly resigned about
it.
“It’s fine. It’s late anyway.” Levi hesitates, looking down from a sudden wave
of nerves. “Do you mind if I stay?”
Thankfully, Eren laughs, reaching out to gently caress Levi’s cheek. “I’d be
sad if you didn’t.”
They settle down promptly, an awkward tangle of limbs that arrange and
rearrange themselves in search of that old comfort. Levi doesn’t care that
there are elbows or knees digging into his flesh. Eren’s arms feel like home.
Eren drifts off almost instantly, falling into a restless sleep punctuated by
constant shifting and incoherent mumblings. Levi stays awake, unable to sleep
but more than content to hold Eren like this again. Unfortunately, that
satisfaction does not extend to the chaotic thoughts swirling in his brain.
“Levi…”
He starts, glancing at Eren to find him still asleep. There’s a deep furrow
between his brows.
“I don’t…want to die… Levi…stay with you…”
Fuck.
Fuck.
Why is this happening? Why is Eren suffering? What is the fucking point of
their hard-won peace if this is what it brings?
But Levi knows the answer already.
It’s as Mikasa was fond of saying. The world is cruel. Blindly, needlessly
cruel. She also thought that it had beauty to balance out the bad, and for a
while, Levi believed it too, but now he’s certain of what he has always known.
There’s no balance, no fairness, no justice. Only pain and the lessons you can
learn from it.
Levi has learned his lesson, finally.
He curls around Eren as best as he can, closing his eyes and just enjoying the
warmth and scent of his lover.
Later, when Eren wakes, Levi will tell him that they’re going to the ocean. The
two of them together.
Eren will protest, say that it’s impossible but eventually, he’ll cave.
They have to find that ocean before Eren has to leave the world he gave
everything to save. No matter what. Levi will make sure of that if it’s the
last thing he does.
To treasure the people he loves and the time they have together - that’s Levi’s
lesson. He won’t forget again.
Eren may die but he will die happy.
 
                               Eight Months Ago
 
“Le-Levi, wait a min-mmph!”
He swallows Eren’s protests with a kiss, clumsy and frenzied, born more of
desperation than passion. Levi presses closer to Eren, feeling a sharp pang at
the way their bodies mold to each other, familiarity and experience making them
a perfect fix.
The thought that this may be the last time…
“Levi!” Eren pants, tearing his mouth free but not letting go of Levi, only
holding him impossibly closer. “Shouldn’t we talk about it first?”
Levi pulls back and unceremoniously drags Eren over to the bed, pushing him
down on it and straddling his lap.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he growls, lips close to Eren’s, fingers
clutching rich brown hair. “You’ll go to that trial. Those fat pigs will show
that they have a modicum of sense and honor you as the hero you are, and then
you’ll get the fuck back here.”
He has never in his life coddled someone. Platitudes and optimism are
pointless. Their world is a bleak place that would take such empty reassurances
and rip it apart while you watched helplessly. Levi knows this exceptionally
well and yet here he is, spewing sparkly shit out of his mouth for the sake of
a boy who probably knows as well as Levi how unfair, how merciless life is.
Then again, is it really for Eren’s sake? Or is Levi just trying to convince
himself?
Either way, it doesn’t matter. Eren’s answering smile is amused but his eyes
are grave with acceptance. And Levi will need to be born thrice over to be
naïve enough to believe his own foolish words.
“Okay.” The simple admission reeks of a lie and they both know it. But tonight,
they need it.
“Okay,” Levi echoes, and closes the space between their mouths. This kiss is
sweet and gentle for one precious moment before passion takes over, twisting it
into a clash of nipping teeth and twining tongues. Eren’s tastes faintly of
dinner, the flavors of the bland soup and brick bread more pleasing in his
mouth than the actual food itself.
They separate soon enough to strip off their clothes, Levi forgoing his usual
meticulous folding in favor of dropping them all in a heap on the floor. Eren
is visibly surprised for a moment before his expression darkens in
understanding. He sheds his own uniform and climbs into the bed, looming over
Levi’s prone form. He skims his hands over Eren’s sides, his shoulder, his
arms, over unmarred skin that is a testament of the very ability that’s saved
them all countless times and now threatens to condemn Eren to a fate he does
not deserve.
Possessive fury sears through him, his fingers digging into Eren’s flesh, nails
leaving behind red trails that will be gone come morning. Just like all the
horror Eren has endured has left no brands on his skin, Levi’s love is
incapable of marking him.
That’s unbearable all of a sudden.
“Eren, fuck me. Now.”
Above him, Eren releases a shaky breath, eyes glazing over at the command.
“Anything you want.”
Levi retrieves a half-used bottle of oil from the nightstand and passes it to
Eren who leans back to situate himself between Levi’s spread legs. He fumbles
with the cap for a moment, clumsy as always in his eagerness. Levi can’t help
his fond smile.
“No fingers,” he says just as Eren is about to coat his fingers in oil. “I want
it to burn. I want… to feel you.” For days. In case you never come back to me.
I want to carry you in my flesh.
Levi’s love in incapable of marking Eren but Levi’s body is painfully human in
its vulnerabilities. He can be marked, and he will be.
The unsaid words are not lost on Eren, whose face crumples for a moment before
he gathers himself. There’s an odd mix of pain and desire on his face. He’s as
beautiful as ever and it hurts.
“It will hurt.”
“Good. Don’t give me that look, brat. I’m not going to break.”
It’s always amazed Levi, the way Eren sometimes seems to read his mind. Not
always, not even often, but when it’s truly needed, this boy has proven that he
gets Levi in a way no one ever has, not even Farlan or Erwin.
And he proves that again now, recapping the bottle and tossing it on the
mattress before crawling back on top of Levi. Their bare bodies touch, faint
and teasing, sending jolts of heat through Levi. His cock, half-hard between
his legs, throbs with each, feather-light brush of Eren’s skin. A chaste kiss
is placed on his lips before Eren turns his attention to Levi’s neck, pretty
little kisses followed by harsh, wet suction at all the right places that has
Levi squirming and panting within moments. Eren plays his body like a well-
tuned instrument, kissing and biting his way down Levi’s neck, his chest, his
stomach, bypassing his cock altogether to lap at the sensitive skin of his
inner thighs.
Levi watches him through half-closed eyes, lazily running a finger along the
path traced by Eren’s mouth. There will be bruises tomorrow, numerous ones in
shades of red and purple.
Good.He wants them.
Eren abruptly abandons Levi’s thigh to suck a kiss on the head of his cock, the
sudden sensation drawing a sharp gasp out of Levi. The same loving attention is
paid to the rest of his length, slow, lazy licks of Eren’s tongue winding Levi
up until he’s writhing, hands clutching the sheets and wordlessly demanding
more with breathy moans. Eren obliges, pulling away with a smile and one last
wet kiss. He picks up the discarded bottle.
Levi throws an arm over his eyes and raises his hips, a silent invitation. The
head of Eren’s cock, slick with oil, nudges his unprepared hole and Levi pushes
back against it. That’s all the permission Eren needs.
It does hurt somewhat, a steady, stinging burn that intensifies as Eren slowly
works his way inside Levi. The pain is nothing compared to the bliss of being
so completely filled, of feeling Eren’s fingers dig into his hips, of being so
deeply connected with the only person that’s worth the ache of loving.
Eren stills once he’s all the way in, their hips flush together.
“You…alright? Levi?”
Levi doesn’t realize that he’s been biting his lips hard enough to break skin
until he hears the concern in Eren’s voice. He peeks out from under his arm and
smiles, reaching out with the other to touch Eren’s cheek.
“I’m fine, brat. Now move and don’t hold back. I don’t want to be able to walk
tomorrow.”
Levi is not a masochist. For as long as he can remember, his attitude to pain
has been indifference. But just this once, he’ll savor the pain.
Eren understands. Brilliant, beautiful boy.
The next thrust shakes Levi to the core with its force, pushing his body up the
mattress. He’s not even given the time to catch his breath before Eren is
moving, fucking into Levi with long, fast strokes that sends spikes of mingled
pain and pleasure racing through him. Eren pauses to maneuver Levi’s legs over
his shoulder, keeping him in place with a bruising grip, and drives right back
in with a low growl.
Levi hears a low, constant keening and realizes through the haze of pleasure
that it’s coming from him, ripped from his throat with each piercing roll of
Eren’s hips. He digs his fingers into Eren’s shoulder, holding on for dear life
as he’s almost bent in half and taken, the new angle of Eren’s cock nudging his
prostate with each thrust. Levi screws his eyes shut, biting his lips to stifle
the shout that threatens to burst out of him. He can hear Eren’s own grunts and
moans above him, interspersed with broken endearments and iterations of Levi’s
name. The pain fades away, leaving only pleasure and the overwhelming sensation
of being filled to the brim over and over and over-
The hard cock driving into his ass, the hands painting bruises on his skin and
the voice murmuring sweet nonsense undoes Levi all too soon, and he comes with
a choked groan, head thrown back and eyes rolled back. Eren fucks him through
it, shouting as Levi’s insides clench around him, and spills into him with
Levi’s name on his lips, desperate but adoring.
A mouth presses against his neck, his chin, his cheek, dropping faint little
kisses that coax Levi into opening his eyes. Eren’s pretty green eyes are all
that he sees, peering down at him with concern and love.
Always love.
“Was that enough? Too much?”
Levi smiles and blinks away the wetness clinging to his lashes.
“It was perfect. Eren, I-”
Love you. But he can’t say it. The words refuse to form. And is it fair anyway
to tell Eren now, when he’s staring his possible death in the face? Wouldn’t it
just be cruel to dangle that in front of him when he might not live long enough
to enjoy it?
And maybe Levi is still scared.
“I want you to come back,” Levi says instead, quiet and on the edge of
pleading. It’s a far cry from his earlier assertions.
Eren nods, utterly serious.
“I know.”
He doesn’t make a promise that he may not be able to keep. Levi appreciates
that, even though a part of him wants to hear those hollow words, wants Eren to
say that he’ll come back to Levi.
Eren pulls out gingerly and proceeds to clean them both up with practiced care.
He looks exhausted and on the verge of sleep when he crawls back to bed,
snuggling up to Levi a drowsy smile. It must have been a taxing day for him,
emotionally and mentally. Levi presses a kiss to his forehead, wrapping his
arms around Eren who happily buries his face in the crook of Levi’s neck.
“Good night, Eren.”
A faint hum is all the answer he receives and soon enough, Eren’s breathing
smoothens into the characteristic rhythm of sleep.
Levi remains awake. Tonight, not even the comfort of Eren’s arms can make him
relax. Not when this might be their last.
That thought refuses to go away in spite of Levi’s outward bravado. Ever since
they heard the news this morning, unexpected and all the more shocking for it,
Levi has looked at Eren and thought:
This is the last time he’ll smile.
This is the last time he’ll cry.
This is the last time I’ll hold him.
This is the last time we’ll kiss.
This is the last time we’ll make love.
This is the last night he has.
He can’t stop such thoughts from haunting him even though he can’t quite
believe them. The idea that Eren will be condemned at tomorrow’s trial seems so
ludicrous. He’s a hero. No one can dispute that. And yet the very concept of a
trial implies that there are indeed people who remain doubtful of Eren’s
loyalty, his humanity.
Foolish pigs. This boy has more humanity in him than is healthy.
It’s in that confused, conflicted state that Levi spends the night, his mind
running in pointless circles. It’s unlike him to be so lost but he’s never been
in love before. He’s never had to wait for someone to die either. Deaths in the
battlefield were swift and merciless, not unexpected but also not actively
anticipated. It’s also likely that the trial tomorrow is just a formality and
Eren will be just fine. But not even Hanji could find out more details after
the abrupt summons and one day was not enough time to formulate much of a plan
with so little information. The best they can do is wait for the verdict, hope
there will be a lag before the execution if that is the ruling, and act
accordingly.
That doesn’t sit right with Levi. None of this does.
Maybe it’s just that he’s so used to losing the people he cares for, a fate
Eren has miraculously avoided until now.
He’s nervous and terrified.
Eren stirs against him, his breath warming the skin of Levi’s neck. Eren’s been
so strong through this, putting up a brave front at the news and never wavering
even in the face of Connie’s tears or Sasha’s panic. It’s only Levi who was
given the privilege of seeing that mask drop and doubt take its place, and his
response was to throw false reassurance at the boy and then fuck him.
Some lover he is. What the hell does Eren see in him?
That doesn’t matter though. As long as Eren sticks around, Levi will indulge
himself. And if Eren decides that he wants to leave… Levi just wants the boy to
live long enough to come to that decision, if that’s the case.
He runs a hand through Eren’s hair, looking down at where he’s peacefully
sleeping, half on Levi.
“Hey, Eren. You…think I’m this big hero. But really, I’m just a coward. I can’t
even tell you that I- that I. Fuck. I love you, kid. Okay? I really fucking
love you. I pretend otherwise, I know, but I just don’t have the balls to say
it. Even though it’s you, I… It’s true though and maybe it’s pathetic but I
can’t imagine life without you any more. Congratulations, you’ve turned me into
a helpless sap. Things is, I can’t even complain. I’m happy these days, or as
happy as a grouchy old man like me can be. That’s not because that titans are
gone or humans are free. It’s all you, Eren. You make me so happy. So, please,
don’t- don’t die, alright? You can’t just…leave. You said once that you wanted
to marry me. I don’t think you remember, you were pretty out of it. I do,
though, and I’m... I want it too. A life with you. So you have to come back. No
matter what, brat. You’re not allowed to die.”
There’s no response from Eren’s slumbering form, not that Levi expects any. He
wouldn’t have said all that if he did. All the same, it feels strangely
liberating to let it out.
He holds the boy a little tighter, buries his face in that messy mop of hair
and tries his best to chase after the elusive realm of dreams.
 
In the morning, he’ll kiss Eren awake, tell him not to die and send him away
before he can see the fear on Levi’s face.
In the evening, Eren will return to him, surprised and shaken but alive.
And all will be well.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     No, honey, all won’t be well.
     This was never intended to have explicit scenes but that part wrote
     itself. It’s been a while since I wrote sex and I think I find it
     easier to write in past tense. Here’s hoping it was okay.
***** what it meant to me will eventually be a memory *****
Chapter Summary
     An end and a beginning.
Chapter Notes
     I may or may not have chosen ‘In The End’ lyrics just to name this
     chapter.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
            I’ll take you to it, the ocean that you wanted to see.
There are, unsurprisingly, only a few people to send them off. Hanji, Jean,
Connie and Sasha, the only ones who know of Eren’s condition. The latter four
were informed after the departure date was finalized, Eren realizing that they
wouldn’t just let him up and leave with no explanation.
They took it about as well as expected, which is to say not at all.
But now, they are calm rather than the angry, grieving messes of the last few
days.
Ideally, Historia should also be here but a queen has her duties.
Levi watches from a small distance, absently stroking his mare’s mane, as Eren
is hugged and clutched and patted by his small group of friends, all  of them
far more physically demonstrative than usual in the face of impending
separation.
“He won’t come back, will he?” Hanji murmurs from beside Levi, their voice
tightly controlled and lacking the cheer that used to saturate it. There is
very little to be cheerful about these days for the lot of them.
Levi doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to. They both know that Eren will be in no
state for a return trip; he’s barely fit for travel even now but he is
gloriously excited at the prospect of searching for his pet dream. It’s
certainly a better idea than staying inside the walls and waiting to die.
“Will you come back, Levi?”
This time, the reason Levi doesn’t answer is because he doesn’t know the answer
himself. Would he return alone? Would he even want to?
Who knows.
“Goodbye, shitty glasses.”
Levi starts to step forward, towards Eren who is heading their way with friends
in tow, but he’s suddenly yanked back into a tight embrace. Hanji wraps
themself around him, almost smothering his slighter frame. Levi endures it and
lightly pats the arm around his middle in an awkward attempt at comfort.
He’ll miss them and he knows the feeling is mutual.
Eren is treated to the same enthusiastic hug when he reaches them and Levi can
see the tears in his eyes as he returns it with as much strength he can muster.
Levi’s attention is drawn to Jean who approaches him with a somber expression,
eyes swollen and just a little too bright.
“Sir…take care of him.”
“I will.”
There’s not much to say after that and Jean returns to the others, all of them
looking on the verge of tears. Levi knows the feeling, has become rather
familiar with it these last several days.
“Hey, Eren. Shall we go?”
Eren leaves Hanji to face Levi, looking down at him with a soft smile. His
gaunt face looks genuinely happy despite the tear tracks marring it. Eren
reaches out to take Levi’s face in his hands, bending down to press their lips
together in a sweet, chaste kiss.
“Let’s go. We’ll find that ocean. For Armin, Mikasa…and for us.”
“Yeah…we’ll find it, Eren.” For you.
They will. They have to.
Once, he wanted a life with Eren. A long life of peace, one that they both
earned.
There will be nothing of the sorting their future; no marriage, no tea shop and
a cozy little cottage, no late nights making love, no growing old together.
They won’t have a happy ever after.
It won’t be long before Levi’s alone with only memories of a bright-eyed boy
whom he loved and who loved him to keep him company.
But for now, they have time. Eren’s here with him, smiling and eager.
For now, that’s enough.
 
Chapter End Notes
     And done! I ran through a million ideas for this epilogue including
     scenes at the ocean and Levi after Eren’s death but settled on this
     instead. My first finished snk fic. Though I’m not at all satisfied
     with it, I’m pretty glad I managed to finish it.
     Thank you to all of those who read, left kudos and comments, and
     bookmarked. You rock!
End Notes
     Usually, when I write for a new pairing, I go for something fluffy
     and/or pointless in an attempt to test the waters of
     characterization. Here it’s more liked I jumped off a cliff into the
     ocean while blissfully ignoring the fact that I can’t fucking swim.
     Right. Hopefully, this isn’t a total wreck.
     Feedback is greatly appreciated!
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