Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/216132.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Final_Fantasy_X
  Relationship:
      Auron/Tidus
  Character:
      Tidus, Auron
  Additional Tags:
      pre-game, Spoilers, On_Hold, dub-con, Auron_and_Tidus_are_both_a_bit
      skeevy_in_this, Angst, past_Auron/Jecht
  Stats:
      Published: 2005-03-23 Updated: 2005-12-19 Chapters: 3/? Words: 27552
****** Horizon Road ******
by zanarkand
Summary
     This is the lack of control, slipping in his mind...
Notes
     horizon, n. the limit of a person's mental perception, experience, or
     interest. road, n. a way to achieving a particular outcome.
     2017: After twelve years, I've finally come back to this. I
     admittedly still don't know how I want to end it, but I at least have
     a better idea of what I want to do, and more of an outline plotted
     out. If you're still around after twelve years, the first three
     chapters have been edited. Also, now that I'm older, I've realised
     just how very dub-con this fic is, on both Auron and Tidus' parts,
     even though the fic is Auron/Tidus.
***** reckless abandon *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He was staring again.
The realisation hit him with a sudden pang, and he swore softly, frustrated at
himself. The swear caught the attention of the subject of his stare, and a
blond head jerked up, a faintly curious look on his face.
"You say somethin' Auron?" Tidus asked, blinking innocently, having no idea
that he was being watched so intently only moments before.
Auron just shook his head, turning away from Tidus and trying to focus his
attention once more on the papers before him. Tidus just shrugged and went back
to scribbling in his notebook, working on the latest essay assignment he'd
received.
Dammit. One of these days Tidus was going to catch him staring, and given his
inquisitive nature, start asking a bunch of questions, and then—
No way. Auron would rather die, again, before letting Tidus find out that he—
He felt his face heat up, ever so slightly, and he swallowed, staring down hard
at the table, willing it to go away. What was wrong with him? How could he have
let himself get attracted to Jecht's son? It was madness, it was—
Utter insanity. Tidus was just fifteen, still a boy for Yevon's sake. Never
mind that he was physically filling out a lot faster than his friends, never
mind that he had skin so tan and smooth—practically begging to be
caressed—never mind that he had eyes as blue as the oceans of Spira, eyes that
sparkled and shone with laughter when he was happy. Never mind the fact that
his bleached blond hair, kissed by the sun but still tinged with darker
brownish strands that had just a hint of the original red shining through,
looked so fine and silky that Auron longed to run his hands through it every
time he looked at Tidus. Never mind that his slender frame was starting to take
on a slightly muscular build from years of blitzing, never mind that—
He looked like Jecht. That was what fascinated Auron most about him, that Tidus
and Jecht could be so different and still so alike. Not so much in physical
looks, though there was something in his face and the frame of his body that
just barely hinted at the man who had sired him. No, it was in his movements,
the way Tidus moved throughout the world with such fluid grace and confidence,
so sure of himself that he could do no wrong. It was there in the way he played
blitzball. Auron had watched Jecht, once, when they'd stopped in Besaid and
Jecht had been unable to resist showing off a few of his moves to the locals.
Jecht had been all speed and elegance and dexterity, attitude cocky but almost
childlike in its cheerfulness as he'd jumped in the air after the blitzball
he'd flung up so carelessly. It had about taken Auron's breath away, to see the
man who always swaggered and stumbled around clumsily in a drunken stupor, and
whose movements in battle were sometimes sluggish and ungainly at times; it
took Auron's breath away to see this Jecht who was suddenly an entirely
different person, one he hadn't known at all. One he hadn't thought existed.
Tidus was like that. He'd inherited his father's skills in blitzball, and it
showed in every practice, every game he played. Auron had watched him often,
and he was only reminded more and more of Jecht as Tidus played. It was what
had originally drawn him to his young charge, that startling resemblance to
Jecht, even if it hurt every time he looked at Tidus and was forced to see
Jecht. It hadn't been quite so obvious when Tidus was younger of course, but it
slowly became more and more evident as Tidus grew up, got older.
Furtively, he slid his eye back over to the blond on the couch, hunched over
his notebook, pencil flying furiously as he wrote, face furrowed in
concentration. He paused for a moment, lifting the pencil to his mouth to
absently chew on it, then gave the notebook an angry scowl. Auron had seen that
same scowl on Jecht a few times over the course of their pilgrimage. Usually
when Auron refused to do something he wanted.
"Is something wrong?"
"Huh?" He jerked, startled out of his sorrowful reminiscing by the sound of
Tidus' voice. Shit. He'd been staring again.
"Is something wrong?" Tidus repeated. "You were looking at me funny..."
Another of those head shakes. "Sorry." He didn't bother to explain, to give an
excuse for staring at Tidus. There really wasn't any.
Tidus paused. "Okay," he said at last, sounding as if it wasn't okay with him
at all.
Auron had to resist the urge to groan.
                                     * * *
"You're wet."
"Well, duh." Tidus grinned. "It's raining out there. Rain generally gets a
person wet." He shook his head, flinging blond hair this way and that and
sending droplets of rain water flying all over everything—including Auron.
Auron scowled at him, not pleased in the least, but Tidus only grinned again.
"I'm going to go shower. Hope this storm stops soon..."
Auron couldn't help but notice the bit of nervousness he heard in Tidus' last
statement, and he watched as Tidus headed down the hall to the bathroom,
dripping water the entire way. He frowned. For as long as Auron had been in
Zanarkand, Tidus had always been afraid of thunderstorms. Never having been
around kids before, with the exception of little Yuna for about a month or so,
Auron had assumed this fear of storms was something most kids had, and easily
outgrew as they got older. Certainly he couldn't remember being afraid of
storms as a child. But to his surprise, Tidus hadn't outgrown it. He no longer
came into Auron's room in the middle of the night to huddle under the covers
during a storm, and he no longer cried when loud claps of thunder shook the
houseboat, but they still made him nervous and jumpy. They still scared him.
Oh, he'd tried to hide it from Auron, acting as if nothing bothered him when
dark clouds would start gathering in the sky, pretending the thunder and
lightning and harsh winds of storms didn't make him jump with fright. Auron
didn't understand what was behind this inexplicable fright, nor did he ever
bother to ask. He only reacted, to those rare times when Tidus came to him for
comfort.
It was still something he found strange. Him, Auron, comforting someone. A
child, no less. Jecht's son. The absurdity of it all never failed to amaze him.
Jecht had accused him of being heartless and unfeeling once, in the beginning
of their journey, and before their relationship. Auron couldn't remember what
he'd been talking about—something to do with Zanarkand, or his kid, most
likely—but it had irritated him to no end. He'd cut off the man mid-sentence,
telling him to be quiet because no one had interest in hearing it. Entirely
unlike him, but he'd said it anyways. Jecht hadn't taken it too well, not used
to being interrupted.
Another thing Tidus had in common with Jecht, now that he thought about it.
They both liked to talk and talk and talk, if you'd let them. And you better
have a very good excuse for interrupting. It used to drive Auron crazy, the way
Tidus had constantly wanted to talk at him when he'd first come to Zanarkand.
Even though Tidus professed not to like "the tall scary funny dressed man" very
much, he'd still just ramble on about almost anything to Auron, never really
caring whether Auron was listening or not.
And Auron hadn't been listening, not at first. Then the boy's mother had died,
and Tidus had talked more than ever, cheerful even, as if his mother's death
had meant nothing to him. Eventually Auron realised Tidus was talking not
because he particularly wanted you to know what he was saying, but because he
was lonely. Because he couldn't stand the silence, and had to fill it in, even
if he didn't realise that's what he was doing. And so, gradually, Auron had
started listening and responding. Suddenly, he found he was less annoyed with
Tidus' idle prater once he actually listened. It was almost... nice, to have
something to focus his attention on and not have to think about the things he
regretted, all the mistakes he'd left behind in Spira. Tidus also talked about
Jecht sometimes, though not often and the memories were tinged with resentment
and anger at the father who had treated him so poorly.
There were often questions, too. Tidus wanted to know so much—about Auron,
about where he came from, about why he was so old (to which Auron had been
affronted by, as he'd still been in his twenties when he'd met the boy), about
where he got the scar, about why he wore funny clothes, about his glasses,
about whether he knew Jecht, about how he might have met Jecht, about what
happened to Jecht... the questions went on and on, day after day after day,
never-ending it seemed. He never knew how to answer any of them, not sure how
much a nine year old was actually really interested in any of those answers, or
if he was asking just to be asking. So he'd make weak excuses, or tell the poor
child it was none of his business, or that it was rude to ask, and more often
than not Tidus would get an affronted look on his face, he'd let out a huff and
scrunch up his face in what he considered an intimidating glare, all the while
trying to hold back tears of disappointment and hurt at Auron's gruffly spoken
words. But still he kept asking, over and over again.
A loud, angry curse filtered out from the bathroom where the shower had just
shut off. Auron raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised. Not at the curse itself,
he'd heard much worse from his own mouth, but that Tidus had said it at all.
Tidus wasn't usually given to use such words. In fact, he frowned half the time
when Auron would mutter such curses to himself. Perhaps they were too painful a
reminder of a brash, drunken father whose way of showing affection was
insulting the son he cared for.
He half considered getting up and going to see if Tidus was okay; that would
indicate concern on his part though, and he tried to do that as little as
possible, hoping that perhaps if he kept enough distance he wouldn't be as
attracted to Tidus as he already was. So he took the easier option—it was much
easier to stay seated on the couch staring moodily at the wall; he left Tidus
alone.
But oh, how it never seemed to matter. No matter how much distance he put
between himself and Tidus, it was always there—that steadily growing lust,
burning a fire low down in his groin and making him ache with desire whenever
he looked at the boy. It was maddening, it was shaming, but it existed. He
wanted Tidus, wanted him fiercely, fantasising daydreams that left him seized
with guilt and a sense of betrayal to Jecht. He'd told himself, had sworn, that
he wouldn't want anyone other than Jecht. Certainly he hadn't come to Zanarkand
expecting to start up a relationship with any of the citizens who weren't
entirely real, exactly—it should have been easy. Grieving over Braska's death
and Jecht's becoming Sin, who would even want to think about romance,
especially when one has just lost a lover and met with his own death all in the
course of a few days? But he hadn't counted on Tidus, hadn't counted on that
gangly, clumsy little boy to grow into such a resemblance of Jecht that Auron
could scant resist him.
Why had he made that damn promise to Jecht anyways? The last thing he'd wanted
was to get saddled raising some emotional kid that wasn't even his own—
"You should try smiling once in awhile. You might like it."
Auron grunted, and looked up to retort something, but whatever he'd planned to
say got lost in the rush of desire and the quick breath he sucked in as Tidus
stood in front of him. He was practically naked, in nothing but a pair of
sleeping shorts he'd outgrown two years back but couldn't bring himself to get
rid of. His body was still wet from the shower he'd just taken, Auron could see
the drops of water glistening on all that tan skin as the lights hit his body
just so. He was standing there nonchalantly in the doorway to the living room,
a towel over his wet hair, rubbing vigorously. The only word Auron could find
to describe the teenager before him was stunning.
And immediately the shame and guilt and betrayal washed over him again, and he
looked away, silently cursing himself once more, because really, he shouldn't
be feeling this way about a fifteen year old, it wasn't right, and there was
his relationship with Jecht to think about...
But he couldn't seem to help it. Jecht was far away, and Jecht was... Jecht was
dead, for all intents and purposes. Jecht was Sin, and Jecht would never be
Jecht again, and he would be killed for the next Calm, and Auron would never
get to feel Jecht's warm body pressing against his again. And yet Tidus was
here, alive as a construct of the fayth could be alive. And he couldn't stop
wanting.
"Auron? Man, what's with you... you keep spacing out."
"Thinking," Auron said quietly, only half paying attention to the conversation.
"'Bout what?" Tidus finished towelling his hair and tossed it back into the
hallway, typical teenager. He came up behind Auron sitting on the couch,
leaning down and wrapping his long arms around Auron's neck.
Auron tensed, and moved away from Tidus' well-meaning embrace, uncomfortable
with any kind of contact from Tidus. "It's nothing," he said, not wanting to
open up to Tidus. Not even sure that he knew how to open up about his thoughts
anymore, he so rarely did anymore. The last person he'd even trusted to talk
openly with the slightest bit had been... Jecht. Eight years ago. It felt
longer. It felt like a century. Or an eon.
"You're thinking about Jecht, aren't you."
"...No."
"Liar." Tidus came around the side of the couch, stopping when he was standing
in front of Auron, looking down slightly at him. "Why won't you ever talk about
my old man? You won't admit it, but I know you must have known him. How did you
meet him, really? And what happened to him? I'm not asking much. I just want to
know..."
He looked away from the boy in front of him, guilt crashing over him in waves
at the pain he could hear in Tidus' voice. "When you're older," he said.
"That's what you always say!" Tidus cried, exploding in sudden anger. Auron
actually winced. "So tell me Auron, when am I going to be older? When am I
finally going to be old enough for you to tell me the truth about my old man?
Because at the rate you tell me things now, I'll never be old enough!"
"I'm sorry." He felt like a jerk, being this way to Tidus. But he couldn't very
well tell the truth to Tidus yet. Even if Tidus felt he could handle it, even
if he thought he was old enough—well, he just didn't know how to explain it.
Nor did he think Tidus would believe the truth if he told him.
"I..." The blond lowered his head, shoulders slumping in defeat, knowing that
once again he wouldn't be getting the truth out of Auron. "I just wish I knew
what happened to him... I hate him, but it hurts, not knowing whether he's
really dead or not, not knowing where he's at and what he's doing..."
It was the most Auron had ever heard Tidus say about his father, and the guilt
continued to prick at him. "Tidus—"
"It doesn't seem fair, that you get to know what happened, and that I don't."
Tidus still wouldn't look at him. Auron knew the boy was crying. Remorseful, he
almost reached out to pull Tidus close and hug him, to let his actions say what
his words could not. But he thought better of it then; even if it was just
comfort, it would be too much. He was afraid to touch Tidus, afraid that one
day he wouldn't be able to hold back and what he felt would breach the surface,
his control gone and Tidus beneath him—
It was not a pleasant thought to have, to think he might actually one day be
capable of hurting Jecht's son in such a way. It made him sick, and afraid, and
so he tried to keep to himself as much as possible.
Perhaps Tidus unconsciously sensed what Auron was thinking; he backed away
slightly, swiping a hand at his eyes in embarrassment, still not looking up at
his guardian. "Sorry," he muttered.
"It's fine. Are you hungry?" Auron asked, deliberately changing the subject,
hoping to distract Tidus from Jecht and dispel the sudden awkwardness that
seemed to have settled over them.
"Yeah!" Tidus looked up at last, a small grin starting to make its way across
his face. "Can we have pizza?"
"Sure." Auron allowed himself a rare small smile, and the conversation was
forgotten.
                                     * * *
The storm worsened later on that night, a particularly deafening clap of
thunder waking Tidus and sending him scurrying toward his guardian's room in
fright.
Auron had been sleeping easily through the storm, but the creaking of the
bedroom door woke him. He opened his eye, looking towards the doorway for the
now less common sight he was sure he'd see, and sure enough, Tidus was standing
in the doorway, a silhouette just back-lit from the moonlight sneaking in
through the window of Auron's room. He remained motionless for some moments,
apparently trying to determine whether Auron was awake or asleep.
Auron sighed. "It's okay, Tidus. Come on," and Tidus continued into the room,
tentatively standing next to Auron's bed. He shifted over, making plenty of
room for the teen, and Tidus got in next to him, cuddling up next to him, at
last able to sleep.
With Tidus asleep once more, Auron lay very still in bed, trying hard not to
think about the warm soft body pressing up against him, or how much it reminded
him of lying next to Jecht at nights, bodies flushed with the exertion of their
encounters, the cool night air of Spira settling over them as they cuddled
together, Jecht's arm tight around him as he'd lay his head on Jecht's shoulder
and close his eyes in contentment, lulled to sleep by the low murmur of Jecht's
voice whispering to him. Instead he tried to think of tame things, such as what
Spira was possibly like now. It felt like forever since he'd last seen his home
world, and he missed it terribly. This Zanarkand was nice in that there weren't
ever truly bad things here (though he supposed it depended on how you would
define 'bad;' certainly Tidus would disagree with him), but it was still so
strange and foreign. The many machina and technology here that Spira lacked and
considered sinful made him all too aware of his status as an outsider, as one
who didn't belong here. It was uncomfortable, being surrounded by all this, and
sometimes he felt like he was being smothered by the tall buildings of
Zanarkand when he had to go into the city. Out here on the houseboat, by the
docks and the water, it was just tolerable so as to be livable.
But still, he missed Spira. He missed the fresh cool air of windy breezes on a
cloudy day, missed the trees and the sun and the clouds and all of the
greenness of the scenery that was Spira that Zanarkand lacked so obviously.
There were few green things here that Auron had seen, and the clouds and stars
and sky were so shrouded by the heavy pollution of a machina-based city that
they might as well not have been there. Nor was the air fresh and wonderful to
breathe—it tasted stale, full of exhaust fumes and chemicals and pollution. He
didn't understand how the people here could stand to breathe it, except that he
knew they knew no other air.
But mostly what he missed about Spira was the familiarity. Despite all the
hardships it held, despite the painful memories of his life gone horribly wrong
in his last few weeks of being alive, despite Sin and prejudices and sorrow and
fear... despite all of that, it was home. His home. It was where he had
belonged once, where he should have stayed to die, where he would have let
himself die if not for the promises made to Braska and Jecht. Here, in this
innocent and somewhat idealistic Zanarkand, nothing was familiar and it never
fully would be, no matter how long he ended up living here with Tidus. He could
only hope that it wasn't too much longer, because he was old, and tired, and
worn out with living on borrowed time.
Tidus shifted slightly next to him, muttering something in his sleep, jerking
Auron painfully back to the present, to the here-and-now. He sighed, once more
all too aware of the teenager next to him. He hadn't had the heart to tell
Tidus he was too old to come and sleep with him now, nor did he have the heart
to kick Tidus out of his bed, though it meant he wouldn't be getting any sleep
for the rest of the night. He wouldn't let himself sleep, for he was too afraid
of what he might do if he did. He was scared that one day he would wake up and
Tidus would be next to him, used and broken. He didn't trust himself around
Tidus.
Outside, the storm raged on, and Auron lay in bed, wide awake and afraid.
                                     * * *
The next day seemed to give no hint of the storm that had ravaged the city so
fiercely the night before. The sunlight made a rare presence, breaking through
the clouds of pollution that hung over the city, spreading its warmth and
cheerfulness throughout Zanarkand.
Tidus himself seemed to be cheerful enough, the fear of the storm and his hurt
at Auron's ambiguousness concerning Jecht forgotten. Or, more likely, Auron
mused, he was hyped up about the blitz game today. Hyped up and nervous. Tidus
had told him, repeated times over the week, that professionals would be hidden
throughout the crowds at the game, scouting out the players and measuring their
skills and talents. And Tidus desperately wanted to prove his worth. It was
what he'd spent his entire life working towards—being the best blitzball star
ever, better even than his father. Sometimes Auron wondered if he would have
worked so hard for that goal if Jecht had never disappeared. In all likelihood,
he thought not. Jecht probably would have eventually destroyed his confidence
and eagerness over the years until Tidus was convinced that he was as worthless
as he believed Jecht thought him. He never would have realised that Jecht
simply wanted to show him the view from the top, to make his son into a star.
"Auron, are you coming to my game today? To watch me play? You are, right? You
have to!"
Auron blinked at the sheer amount of energy Tidus was exhibiting. "Do you want
me to?" he asked, though he already knew the answer to that. He was just merely
stalling, trying to come up with an excuse not to go. Not that he didn't enjoy
watching Tidus play, he just hated having to go to the school's stadium, being
surrounded by so many cheering and competitive parents and students alike.
Sometimes they were almost downright violent in the yells for their friends and
kids.
Tidus grinned at him, trying to work out whether he should take Auron's
question as a yes or not. "Yeah! Of course I want you there! Please say you'll
come!" he begged, before shovelling another forkful of breakfast into his
mouth.
"Well..." Auron cast around in his mind for an excuse, none forthcoming. He
looked at Tidus, who was gazing at him in hopeful eagerness, eyes shining and
face nothing but a wide grin. And he couldn't do it, couldn't break the boy's
heart. "I'll be there."
"Yeah!" Tidus cheered ecstatically, jumping up to give his guardian a hug.
"You're the best Auron!"
Auron clumsily hugged him back quickly, then gently pushed Tidus back away from
him, trying not to let his feelings show on his face so clearly. Lust flared
back up again, intensely, and he just as vehemently shoved it back down,
swallowing hard, trying not to let himself realise just how badly he wanted the
teenager standing before him, a slightly puzzled look on his face now at
Auron's actions.
"You'll be late for school if you don't hurry," Auron reminded him.
"Huh? Right!" Tidus said, already racing down the hall to his room to get
dressed. Auron shook his head. So easily distracted, Tidus was.
                                     * * *
"Go Ramie!"
"Come on Ninthe, you can do it!"
Auron winced, and fought the urge to rub his temples, where a rather painful
headache was starting to announce its presence, loudly. Yevon, he hated this.
Blitzball fans in Spira surely weren't this bad, were they? He shifted away
from an overzealous woman sitting next to him, cheering wildly for her son,
trying to make the gesture look more casual than it was. Of course, it didn't
really help, because sitting on his other side was an equally fanatic mother,
yelling and shouting and waving her arms about just as wildly.
Why had Tidus asked him to this, again? And why had he gone? He cursed his
weakness for Jecht's son, and cursed Jecht for asking this of him.
"Don't let him get the ball Tika!"
That did it. Standing, Auron carefully made his way from the seat and away from
the stadium, stopping at the doorway to watch Tidus from there instead.
Anywhere to get away from the overly-crazed mothers. The game was almost over
anyways. Past half-time, and only two minutes left. Tidus' team was leading 5-
2, and they currently had the ball. He watched as Tidus swam after some kid on
his team, headed for the goal. Three kids from the opposing team surrounded the
kid with the ball, and Tidus swam farther away, to give his teammate a better
chance for a pass. He did, tossing it with perfect accuracy in Tidus'
direction. Another player intercepted it, but he fumbled it and Tidus was after
the ball like a shot, snatching it up and swimming furiously to the end of the
sphere, wanting to make a goal before the time ran out on them.
Much later, back at the houseboat, Tidus was still gloating over the
spectacular sphere shot he'd made, his first successful one ever. All his talk
about the game was starting to get on Auron's nerves, but Auron refrained
himself from telling Tidus to be quiet, knowing Tidus didn't mean anything by
it. He was merely seeking approval, wanting to be reassured that he'd done
well.
"Hey, you saw me, right Auron?"
"Of course," Auron replied absently, attention more on the book he was holding
than on Tidus.
"It was a great shot, right?"
"Mm-hmm."
"I bet it was much better than my old man ever did! Man, it was awesome! We
killed the other team!" There was a pause, and then Tidus asked, in a much
quieter voice, "Auron? Did you ever see Jecht play blitzball?"
Auron looked up sharply, mind flashing back briefly to that day on Besaid...
Jecht flying through the air as he performed what he always liked to call the
Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III. "No," Auron said after a moment's
hesitation which he hoped Tidus didn't notice. "I never saw him play."
Tidus frowned. "You don't sound sure about that..." A thought struck him. "Hey,
does blitzball even exist where you come from?"
Auron sighed; this was going to be another endless round of Tidus' questions.
"Yes, we had blitzball."
"Cool. Did'ja ever play it?"
Auron raised an eyebrow as he looked at Tidus, a mixture of amusement and
disbelief written on his face. "No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know, Tidus..." Auron said wearily. Really, he did know. When did he
ever have the time for blitzball? He'd been training to be a warrior monk since
his teens, and then Braska had asked him to be his guardian. But to explain
something like that to Tidus—it would be too confusing, and invite too many
questions he didn't want to answer.
"Oh." Tidus ran a hand through blond strands, thinking. "Well, what's blitzball
like there? Is it the same as here?"
"Well..." Auron paused to think, trying to recall Luca in his mind. He'd been
to the city so little, and there had been no reason to stop in at Luca on
Braska's journey. Probably the last time he'd really seen the city was when
he'd been Tidus' age. "There's only one blitzball stadium in the entire place.
It's located in the middle of a city, and it's smaller than Zanarkand's, and
great yearly tournaments are held there, with almost everybody coming from all
over to go and watch the different teams compete. The rest of the year the
teams spend practising." That, at least, seemed safe enough to tell the boy.
However, it had also been the most Auron ever said at once, and the most ever
about the place he'd lived in before Zanarkand. Tidus stared at him in
something akin to awe. "Sounds neat," he managed to say at last. Auron almost
smiled.
"Did you really never see Jecht play?" came the next question, some minutes
later.
"Why do you want to know so badly?" Auron asked him, not really wanting to lie
again.
"I dunno." Tidus shrugged and looked down, idly tracing the patterns in the
fabric of the couch with his finger. "I just wanted to know."
Auron could hear the unspoken end of that sentence: how good I am compared to
him. It had been the one thing Tidus had truly worked for since he was seven
years old and barely able to kick a blitzball. He wanted to be better than
Jecht, to prove that he wasn't as bad as Jecht thought him, to show Jecht that
he could make something of himself, though Jecht would never be around to see
it.
"Would it really make a difference, to know if you are better than Jecht or
not?"
Tidus inhaled a sharp breath, jerking his head up quickly to look Auron in the
eye before lowering his gaze again. "Yes! ...No. I don't know." He sounded lost
and confused, and Auron's heart went out to him.
"How well Jecht could play blitzball has nothing to do with your skills. You've
got your own talent, work on improving that. Don't worry about Jecht."
Tidus was silent, digesting this. "My own talent, huh?" he said, very softly.
He looked back up at Auron, who was looking evenly at him. There was silence
for a bit, and Auron wondered what Tidus was thinking about. "Auron..."
At most, Auron expected him to say something along the lines of a thank you. It
would have made him slightly uncomfortable, but he could accept it. He was,
however, entirely not prepared for what Tidus did do next.
Tidus kissed him.
It was clumsy, and hesitant, a teenager's first kiss, shy and unsure. His nose
bumped against Auron's, and he accidentally knocked Auron's dark glasses askew.
But his mouth was soft as it pressed lightly against Auron's own rough lips,
and for one wonderful moment it was heaven. Then Auron came back to his senses,
shoving Tidus somewhat not-so-gently off of him.
"What," he asked with as much calmness as he could muster, "what are you
doing?" He didn't dare let himself show how confused and thrown-off he was by
Tidus' sudden action, an action that was so random compared to the conversation
they'd just had, an action that had nothing to do with anything. Why had Tidus
done it?
"I..." for some reason Tidus didn't look as scared as he should be. He looked
smug, as if he knew something Auron didn't. "I want you," he said simply, the
words as casual as if he'd said blitzball was a water sport, or he lived in a
houseboat out by the docks.
Auron stared at him, brain trying to assimilate those words and rearrange them
so they made sense. He hardly dared to let himself believe that what Tidus was
saying was true; rather, that Tidus really knew what he was saying. He stared,
all his past fantasies flooding back to the front of his mind, unleashed by
that one kiss that by rights could barely be called a real kiss at all, so
inexperienced it had been. And he wanted Tidus, wanted to take him right there.
And he knew that Tidus would let him. Knew that, if he were to do so, Tidus
would let him undress him and run his hands all over that lithe, firm body,
caressing the smooth skin he'd ached to touch for three months now. He knew
Tidus would not protest as he explored every inch of his body with his hands
and tongue, that Tidus would only moan and gasp his name when he entered him.
But—he could not. He could not. "Tidus."
Tidus was only looking at him, waiting patiently. Auron went on. "Tidus, no.
You... I cannot, it's—" Yevon, give me strength, he thought, even though he'd
long lost any faith in Yevon, ever since the day he, Braska, and Jecht had
approached Yunalesca and learned the truth behind Spira's spiral.
"Why not?" Tidus asked. "I know you want me too. I could tell."
Had he really been so obvious? "Tidus, it's wrong."
Tidus furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why? I want you and you want me, what's
wrong about that? I don't get it. You're not my parent."
Auron put a finger to his forehead, rubbing gently. So simple. Tidus saw things
so simply. If only it were that easy. "Tidus, you're only fifteen years old.
You can't possibly know what you want." He ignored the boy's scowl and spoke
over Tidus' protest of 'but I do!' "I'm over twice your age. I'm your guardian,
I have to look out for you and do what's best for you." nd there's my
relationship with Jecht.
"Yeah, but—I mean, it's not like you're related to me or anything. So why does
it matter?"
"Tidus—no. It's not debatable. I'm sorry."
He stared at Auron a moment, then slid off the couch and disappeared out of the
room without another word. Auron watched him go, still hardly believing he'd
just had that conversation. Hating that he'd hurt Tidus but knowing there was
nothing else to do. He knew Tidus would be in his room, crying. He yearned to
go after him, to apologise and then give in to his desire, their desire. He
wanted to sleep with the boy, wanted it so much that it was a physical ache,
there in his chest. But he couldn't, wouldn't, for far too many reasons than he
cared to think about.
                                     * * *
The next few days were slightly awkward, though they seemed to be more so for
Auron than for Tidus. Tidus seemed to be able to act as if nothing had happened
between them, or that it didn't really matter. Auron couldn't brush it aside so
easily; his thoughts were consumed once more with wanting Tidus, fantasising
about taking Tidus, initiating him into a world that was adult by nature. Tidus
seemed to know what he was thinking—he'd give his guardian odd little smiles at
times, while other times he'd be so purposely provocative that Auron's entire
body would tense up with want, barely able to hold himself from jumping on
Tidus and having him right there. Auron almost felt like the teenager he'd
never really been, thoughts focused on sex twenty-four seven.
He was ashamed to think he'd actually considered it, too. Had considered
forgetting about what was right or wrong and just giving in to what his body
wanted. It had been so long—eight years—and he was terribly lonely, Jecht was
far away and all he could think about was this boy, Tidus, and how he wanted
him, and it tore at him, to want so fiercely and know he couldn't have him, not
because Tidus wasn't willing but because it wasn't right, would never be right
no matter how he tried to justify it to himself—
He restrained himself though, keeping his distance from Tidus more than usual,
avoiding the blond whenever possible. It wasn't really all that hard, Tidus was
so busy with school and blitz practice that he wouldn't get home until it was
dark. Then he'd eat, shower, do his homework, and go to bed, only to wake up
and repeat it all over again. Auron mostly just stayed out of his way, cooking
dinner for him and then disappearing outside to practice with his sword,
wanting to stay in form even if he never made it back to Spira.
If he could have, he would have moved out of the houseboat, though it would
have hurt Tidus more than words ever could. But he didn't, not because he
couldn't stand to live in the city (though he couldn't), but because he didn't
have the money to live on his own. All the money they'd been living on these
years came from what Jecht had left behind, and what bit Tidus' mother had put
away before her death. And occasionally Tidus would win money in blitz
tournaments. It was enough to keep them going comfortably. Soon, though, Tidus
would likely be playing professionally, earning his own money. Perhaps then
Auron would move out. He knew it was really for the best.
He brought his sword down again, swinging heavily, the air around it whistling
with the weight and force of his downward swing. He tensed suddenly, sensing
Tidus behind him, standing there and looking at him. "What is it?" he asked
without turning around.
"Just watching," came the quiet reply.
Auron just grunted. He set his sword down, gently, on the ground, no longer
able to concentrate with Tidus so near. He felt Tidus come up next to him,
sitting down at the edge of the dock, letting his feet dangle over the side and
in the water. He moved them in lazy circles, watching the water swirl around,
lapping at his toes. After a moment's pause, Auron sat down stiffly next to
him, knowing he shouldn't, knowing he was only playing with fire in letting
himself remain so near this boy.
"That's really cool, you know?" Tidus asked softly. His fingers found some
stray rope left behind, and started playing with it, looping it absently around
his hand before moving to undo it again, repeating the gesture as he talked.
"What is?"
"You, with that sword and all... I wish I could do something like that. It's
neat." The words themselves were cheerful enough, but the tone of Tidus' voice
sounded subdued, putting Auron on his guard.
"Well thanks," Auron said somewhat dryly, not knowing what else to say. He
hated compliments. Always had. It had been one of the things Jecht had always
liked about him... No. He wouldn't go there. Not tonight. Not with Jecht's son
sitting so near him.
The rope dropped to the ground, forgotten. "Auron, I—" He stopped, swallowed,
looking away though Auron hadn't been looking at him. "Look, can you at least
tell me why not?" He spoke roughly, his voice harsh, as though the words hurt
to say. Perhaps they did.
Auron sighed. "Tidus, you're fifteen. You're still just a kid. You're too young
to be ready for that at all, much less with me. And you're not really old
enough to know what you want."
"I do, though. Auron. I want you. It doesn't really have anything to do with
love... I'm not stupid enough to think something like that. But I know that I
want you. I think about it, about you, all the time. I imagine—"
"Stop," Auron said, glad the darkness would hide the heat he felt spreading
across his face. "Stop it, Tidus. You don't know what you're saying."
"Yes I do," Tidus insisted with all the same stubbornness Auron had seen in
Jecht, time after time. "Even if it's just one time, I want it. I want you to—"
He stopped again, still young enough so that phrases like 'sleep with me' had
the power to embarrass him, make him blush. "Well, you know," he finished up
lamely, the heat in his voice lost in the rush of inadequacy he felt.
And again he considered it, telling himself—it couldn't be so wrong, really,
could it? Could it? This was the question he had, and the answer he did not
know. It was the answer he wanted most to know, and would never know, not even
if he selfishly satisfied his passion, regardless of what he thought he knew to
be best for Tidus. This was the lack of control, slipping in his mind as he
stared at Tidus without once looking at him, wanting to know. Daring to hope he
could convince himself. Despairing to know he would never forgive himself for
it. For even thinking of it, for one brief moment.
"Auron..."
He thought of giving in. He imagined turning towards the boy, the damnable boy
who was so much like Jecht that it was torture on his mind. He imagined facing
him, and putting his hands on Tidus' shoulders, gripping them tightly, leaning
in to press his lips forcefully against Tidus', bruising them almost, even in
his fantasy hoping in some small part of his mind that the intensity of his
want, his need, would scare Tidus off, and Tidus would say no, would say he'd
changed his mind. But he'd know even then it would be too late, for he would be
kissing Tidus, kissing him as if he was the only thing that mattered in this
world, out here on the docks by the water, the air slightly fresher than
anywhere else in Zanarkand; he knew that if Tidus were to say stop he would
not, for Tidus had pushed, and Tidus had pleaded, and in his imagination
Auron's self-control had shattered. But he knew, too, that Tidus would not
utter such a word, for he imagined that Tidus' hands had, rather hesitantly,
snaked up to wrap around Auron's neck as he kissed his guardian back
tentatively, anxious and slightly scared.
In his mind, Auron took him there, out on the docks in the darkness, the air
gliding over their naked bodies as gently as Auron's fingers glided over the
smooth skin he'd longed to touch for three painful months. In his mind, he took
Tidus, murmuring words of comfort to him as the boy cried out softly in
confused fright, unused to his body's reactions, having never experienced
anything remotely like this before. And Auron imagined that still Tidus did not
say stop, and so Auron did not, entering him slowly, doing his best to soothe
the boy beneath him, taking care to hurt him as little as possible. In his
mind, Auron took him, and when it was over, Tidus lying on his back on the
dock, body shuddering all over and breath harsh and shaky, looking up at the
man above him almost wonderingly, he felt ashamed of such a fantasy, and knew
he could not let it come to pass.
Chapter End Notes
     chapter updated 04 April 2017
***** gone *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Auron opened his eye, groaning as bits and pieces of the previous night floated
back into his consciousness slowly. He had to double check that Tidus really
had left this morning. His fantasy had been so strong last night—he'd seen it
all so clearly on the docks last night, what would have happened if he'd given
in to his desire, but he'd managed to hold himself back. Barely. Tidus hadn't
been too happy about it, but it was for the best. That's what he had to keep
telling himself, anyways. It was for the best. He didn't need to be bogged down
with trying to raise a fifteen year old and educating said adolescent in the
finer points of sex and sexual relationships. Having to explain the basics to
the boy when he'd been younger had been bad enough, and he'd botched that
conversation horribly. He was pretty sure Tidus had eventually just went to a
friend for that in the end, embarrassing as it must have been for him.
Tidus hadn't said much after Auron made it clear to him that the answer would
always be no, but he hadn't gotten up and left that time either. So they'd sat
in silence, Auron trying to shove the fantasy of taking Tidus on the docks
completely out of his mind, getting irritated with himself when it didn't work
too well. And he'd had the strangest sense the boy knew exactly what he was
thinking, which was a most disconcerting feeling to have. Eventually, as it had
grown darker and later, Auron had stood to go in, Tidus following him without
any prompting. He'd started off going to his own room, but he'd shown up in
Auron's doorway around two AM, standing as silently as he had the night of the
storm. Auron had almost told him to go back to his own room, but there was just
something about the way Tidus was standing there so silent and still, and once
again his soft spot for Jecht's son took over, and he hadn't the heart to send
him away.
So Auron had let him come over and climb into the bed next to him, and as Tidus
got closer he could see the wetness on Tidus' face and knew he'd been crying,
and he was altogether glad he hadn't sent him away. Tidus had stayed the next
few hours, alternately sleeping and crying, which only served to remind Auron
all over again how much of a child Tidus still was, despite how fast he was
growing up or how provocative he had been of late. The blond had stole away
about six, slipping as quietly back to his room as the same way he'd come in to
Auron's. It was only then that Auron had let himself get some sleep, only it
hadn't seemed to do him much good. He was exhausted.
Tidus appeared to be just as unconcerned about what had—or rather,
hadn't—transpired between them as he'd been last time. He wasn't quite as
energetic or cheerful as last time, but then again, he'd had less sleep. It was
evident in the slight drag of his steps as he moved around the place, getting
ready for another day of school he despised. He'd told Auron plenty of times
he'd much rather stay at home all day and play blitzball, but Auron made him go
anyways.
"Auron, I don't feel good."
"You're just tired."
"I think I'm sick," Tidus said, and indeed his voice did sound listless,
nothing at all like his usual carefree self. Auron frowned, trying to decide if
Tidus was just faking to get out of his school. He'd tried a few times in the
past, though Auron had always caught on immediately and made him go to school
anyways. This, however, didn't seem to be like those times at all. Tidus was
just sitting there at the table, not eating, and his face did look a bit
flushed with fever.
"Go lay down then," Auron commanded him, somewhat gruffly. A sick Tidus was
something he rarely dealt with, and he wasn't sure just how to handle it. "I'll
bring you some potions in a bit."
Tidus didn't even make a face at the promise of potions, which he normally
protested against with a passion. Instead, he just gave a faint nod, sliding
off his chair and walking slowly back to his room, looking for all the world
like he was about to collapse. Auron watched him go, a worried expression
crossing his features briefly; he inwardly groaned. It should be Jecht here
taking care of his sick son, not him. What did he know about sick teenagers?
Tidus had been sick maybe twice before in all the time Auron had been raising
him, and that was your simple if somewhat gross "throw-up-now-I'm-feeling-much-
better" sickness. This lethargic and languid not caring about anything around
him Tidus was something he'd never seen before, and didn't have the first clue
on what to do about it.
                                     * * *
He spent most of the day keeping vigil beside the boy, who was sleeping rather
fitfully, tossing and turning in his fever-induced sleep. He tried not to, but
with little else to do he soon found himself staring at Tidus, the simple
action that had gotten him into this... whatever it was, in the first place. It
wasn't a mess, not really—but it was awkward. Still, he was staring, and though
he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't seem to help himself.
He was thinking back to last night, on the docks. He'd told Tidus, as best as
he knew how, that the answer was no, and would always be no, for all the
reasons he'd given before. Tidus had been hurt, that was understandable, but he
seemed to accept the answer without much qualm. Auron didn't know if that was
because Tidus finally knew he wouldn't get to 'have' Auron, or if it was
because he was simply waiting until an opportune time to try again. He hoped it
was the former. He hoped that desperately, because he knew his control was
slipping. Every day, every hour, every second, spent around Tidus was sheer
torture for him. He wanted Tidus, oh how he wanted him. Being near the blond—it
was all he could do not to think of wanting him.
Nor was Tidus helping matters, by offering himself so brazenly to Auron. Tidus
had made it clear what he wanted—Auron—and now he was suddenly a different
person. Not that you'd notice it at a first glance, it was more subtle than
that. But Auron had lived with the boy for eight years now; he knew Tidus. And
Tidus had changed now. Mostly it was just little hints he'd drop—he'd made it a
point to come out of the shower wearing nothing but those damned too-small
shorts, and he'd walk around topless a lot. He'd purposely search Auron out
from hiding and talk at him nonstop, bouncing all around the man or sitting
right up next to him so that Auron was forced to look at him. It was as if
Tidus knew Auron's control was slipping, and he was doing everything in his
power to push Auron over the edge and get what he wanted. In short, Tidus was
playing with fire, and Auron was afraid he'd burn him.
But he was just a child, as he constantly had to remind himself. No matter how
fast he was growing up, or how he acted around Auron, he was still just a boy,
a few years away yet from being an adult. Still innocent and simple in his
expectations and needs, still young enough that he could view the world around
him in terms of black and white and not see there being anything else or even
anything wrong with there being nothing else. He was a child, and just as
immature and superficial as any other fifteen year old boy, and it was not
right for Auron to want him so. Which is why he told himself over and
over—forget it. No matter what Tidus thought he wanted, he didn't truly know or
understand, and it would be more than stupid to let himself give in. It could
cause many problems and regrets, and that was the last thing Auron needed. If,
indeed, he was to take the boy back to Spira eventually, as Jecht had hoped
eight years ago, it would not do them good to be estranged to each other due to
a careless mistake on Auron's part.
No, he had to keep his distance, even if it hurt them both. He just didn't know
how he was supposed to do that anymore. Not with Tidus so openly aware of his
attraction—and dealing with one of his own, apparently. If nothing else though,
he had to think of Jecht. Not what there would be with Jecht, for he knew there
would never be anything else. Rather, he needed to think of what once was. It
wouldn't be right for him to become involved with Tidus after having been
involved with Tidus' father eight years ago. And he'd had his misgivings about
that.
It didn't matter. He was thinking too much. He always thought too much.
Everyone had said so. Even Jecht, and Jecht had only known him so long. But
then, Jecht had known him best... better even than Kinoc, or his mother
perhaps, or Braska. It was Jecht he had known the least amount of time, but in
the end it was Jecht who had known him better than anyone else.
"No..."
At the sound of his voice, Auron looked over at Tidus, who had foregone tossing
and turning to lie curled up in a fetal position instead, the blankets shoved
off him and one pillow knocked to the floor while the other had somehow ended
up near his feet. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he was sweating slightly. A
nightmare, most likely. Tidus rarely seemed to have them but when he did they
always left the boy vaguely disturbed for days. Auron had no idea what he
dreamed about; Tidus wouldn't tell him and Auron had never dared ask.
"No!" Tidus repeated, louder and with more force. His body tried to curl up
tighter into itself, and Auron decided to wake him.
"Tidus," he said, knowing how pointless that was. Hesitantly, he reached out a
hand to touch the boy's shoulder, inwardly cursing himself for reaching this
point. Just a few months ago he wouldn't have thought twice about touching
Tidus. Then again, a few months ago he hadn't been attracted to Tidus. He put
his hand down, lightly shaking the blond, hoping to wake him. "Tidus," he said
again. "Wake up."
Tidus moaned and tried to turn over on his other side, but Auron wouldn't let
him. He'd seen the betraying flutter of Tidus' eyelids, and knew the boy was
waking. A few more insistent shakes, and Tidus opened his eyes, reluctantly,
groaning as the dim light of the lamp hit them. He threw an arm over his face
to shield the light. "I dreamed about Jecht," he said without preamble.
It took Auron completely by surprise. "Jecht?" he asked stupidly, as if he'd
never heard of the man.
"Yeah." Tidus removed his arm and rolled his head over to look at Auron. "I
dreamed he was a monster in your world, a big horrible ugly-looking monster.
And he liked to kill people. He wanted me to kill him, but I wouldn't. I told
him no."
Auron could only look at him, feeling distinctly uneasy as Tidus related his
dream. He'd never told Tidus the truth about what Jecht had become and where he
was. Why, or rather, how, had Tidus dreamed that? For a moment he wondered if
somehow Sin had came near to the fayth, intruding into their consciousness
enough for them to appear in Tidus' dream, but—it hadn't been ten years yet.
The Calm would still be going. Really though, he supposed it didn't matter how
Tidus had dreamed it. What would he think, Auron wondered, if he knew his dream
was more than a dream, if he knew it was actually pretty damn close to the
truth of Jecht's so-called demise? He wouldn't tell Tidus yet though. Whatever
he may have dreamed, Tidus still wasn't ready to know the truth. "Are you
feeling any better?" he asked, just to be saying something, considering the boy
still looked deathly pale and probably didn't feel all that great.
Tidus accepted the subject change easily enough; he shrugged and covered his
eyes with his arm again. "Somewhat," he told Auron. "I feel both hot and cold
though..."
"It's the fever. I gave you the last of the potions earlier. I'll buy more
later if it gets worse."
"Don't care," Tidus mumbled. "Don't like that stuff anyway. 's too
bittersweet..."
Auron gave a low chuckle at that. This Tidus was a bit more like the Tidus he
was used to, though Tidus was far from violently protesting against the potions
as he normally would be. If he ever made it to Spira, he'd have to learn to get
used to potions in a hurry, as he'd likely need them a lot.
"Auron?" Tidus asked, still half-mumbling his words, already close to sleep
again.
"What, Tidus?" Auron asked, thinking he was glad Tidus was sick if it meant
less questions, and then he was immediately ashamed of himself for thinking
such a thing.
"How come you don't like me? Is it 'cause I'm annoyin'?"
"What makes you think I don't like you?" Auron asked him, startled, his eye
blinking somewhat rapidly in surprise. He felt pretty sure that he'd
inadvertently made it clear to Tidus lately just how much he did like him,
though he shouldn't. He couldn't even fathom how Tidus would get such an idea
into his head.
"I don't know... 'cause you're holding back and I don't know why..."
This was not the time to be having this conversation. Not when Tidus was half-
asleep and possibly not fully aware of what he was saying. Still, Auron didn't
see any way out of it, he already felt bad enough about dismissing Tidus' dream
of Jecht so casually. "It doesn't mean I don't like you," Auron said, wondering
if he'd regret it later. Hoping he wouldn't, but knowing he probably would. He
damned Jecht all over again for asking this of him. And he damned himself once
more for agreeing.
"Then why..." Tidus started, the rest of his words drowned out in a large yawn.
He tried again. "Then why won't you... I don't understand, that's all..." He
opened his eyes and struggled to prop himself up on his elbows, looking over at
Auron. "You say it's because I'm fifteen. You say it's because you're my
guardian. You say it's because I don't know what I want, as if you were me and
you really know what I want and what I don't. You say it's because you're doing
what's best for me. You seem to have a million and one excuses for saying no.
But that's all they are. Excuses. And you know it, and until you give me a
real, solid reason for saying no, then I'm going to keep at it until you say
yes."
Auron only looked at him. What could he say? He knew that they were all
excuses, as true as they may be. But there was no way he would ever be able to
explain the main reason behind his refusal and not have Tidus hate him for it.
Tidus hated Jecht, which was understandable. Jecht had had no clue how to raise
his small son, and he'd not done a very good job. Then he disappeared on them
when Tidus was just seven years old. Tidus blamed him for that, and for the
subsequent death of his mother. Auron had been about the only stable, good
thing in his life then. Finding out the man he admired most and the man he
hated most had been together in an intimate relationship would be a betrayal to
him.
Tidus sat all the way up, still watching Auron, waiting for a reply of some
sort, though Auron had none to give him. "Auron?" he said softly. He reached
out a hand, as if to touch Auron's cheek. "Please..."
Auron grabbed his hand, staying it, holding it away from him, but not letting
go. Just this small bit. He'd give Tidus this small bit. "I'm sorry." So
inadequate, those two words. How little they conveyed intense regret, pain,
apology. But there was nothing else. Nothing else he could say. Those two
little words would have to do, though they were hardly satisfying. He knew
that, and yet he said it anyways. Nothing else.
Tidus didn't take his hand away. "What else is there?" he asked softly, eyes
searching Auron's face, as if hoping to find what he sought in that stoically
impassive expression. "What else are you keeping from me? What other reason are
you hiding?"
"There is nothing else!" Auron growled at him, irrationally angry with Tidus
for being able to read him so easily when he worked so damned hard to let
nothing show, to let nothing slip through. He let go of Tidus' hand, took a
deep breath and tried to calm himself. Getting angry would help nothing.
Getting angry would only confirm that there was something else. Something he'd
never tell, no matter what.
He expected Tidus to get angry, to yell back at him, because Tidus lost his
temper far more often than Auron ever lost his anymore, but instead Tidus
merely bit down on his lip, turning away as he lay back down, pulling the
covers up over him. "I'm going to sleep. Shut the door on your way out."
So that was it. A dismissal. He supposed he deserved it.
                                     * * *
Tidus was sick for the next three days. He spent most of the first two days
alternately sleeping and dreaming. Auron spent most of that time sitting by his
bed and stubbornly refusing to let himself think of certain subjects. By the
third day, Tidus was up and moving about the place, though he still had a cough
something fierce. By the next week, he was back to his normal energetic self,
running around talking at Auron nonstop and attending four-hour long blitz
practices daily.
Nothing more was said about their bedside conversation. Like both times before,
Tidus was able to easily brush it aside, attach little importance to the
matter. It frustrated Auron like crazy that the boy could do this, because he
was never able to do it himself. Each incident was another push in the wrong
direction, and his control slipped just a little bit more.
He couldn't help but wonder, though, just why Tidus was so intent on getting
Auron to sleep with him. It wasn't that he wondered what Tidus saw in him
(though, it must be confessed, that thought had crossed his mind on more than
one occasion); rather, he wondered why Tidus persisted in bringing it up time
after time despite Auron's constantly turning him down. Was it just the sex he
wanted? After all, Tidus was fifteen, weren't teenage boys supposed to think
about sex a lot? If that was the case, why not just go to one of his friends or
teammates or something if sex was really all he wanted? Why him, a man who was
twice Tidus' age and his guardian besides? What exactly was it that Tidus
wanted from him? He'd said before he wasn't 'stupid enough to think it was
love,' but what did he think it was? Was it curiosity, lust, loneliness,
frustration? Something else that even Tidus didn't know for sure what it was?
He couldn't figure it out, couldn't understand what it was about him that Tidus
wanted. Nor did he want to bring it up with Tidus. Their relationship was
already precarious enough as it was.
He spent a lot of time wondering, too, just what Jecht would think of him for
falling into lust with his son. Even if he and Jecht hadn't gotten into an
involved relationship, it was still a betrayal. He had promised to watch over
Tidus because Jecht couldn't do it. That meant looking after Tidus, raising
him, protecting him. He was failing miserably in protecting Tidus from himself.
He could forgive the boy his attraction; after all, he was a teenage boy who
was having to grow up and cope with his hormones for the first time. It was
understandable he wouldn't quite know what he wanted or get confused about what
he felt for the man who had raised him and yet wasn't his father.
But for Auron to want that boy back—unforgivable. He couldn't forgive himself
for it, how could he expect Jecht to forgive him? And Jecht would know, if he
saw Auron again. Tidus wouldn't even have to be around. Just one look at Auron
and Jecht would know immediately just how far Auron had fallen. Jecht had
always been able to read him easily. He didn't know if that was because of the
closeness their journey demanded, or if it was brought about by something else.
He'd never bothered to try and understand it, there were just some things you
were better off not knowing.
                                     * * *
Months passed, and life went on. Tidus played blitz better than ever, doing his
best to be scouted by the Zanarkand Abes. Auron found it a bit strange that he
wanted to play for the same team his father had, but perhaps Tidus wasn't
thinking about the comparisons he'd receive from everybody, and only had the
thought of proving himself to be a better player than Jecht.
Auron never stopped wanting him. In fact, the lust he felt for Tidus only
seemed to intensify as time went on, brought about by a combination of the
changes Tidus' body went through as he grew, and the subtle but somewhat clumsy
ways in which Tidus still tried to seduce him, to change Auron's mind. He was
barely managing to hold on to his control these days, and he found himself glad
for the long hours practice required of Tidus. But still, something had to
give. He knew that he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer, and the thought
terrified him. Regardless of what Tidus thought he wanted, if Auron let himself
give in, it could change everything between them, destroy the relationship he'd
carefully built the past eight and a half years. And that was something he
could not afford, not for anything.
Tidus hadn't actually said anything again about it. It was as if, by dismissing
him from the room that night, Tidus had closed the door on the subject, knowing
that if he were to cause Auron a loss of control, it wouldn't be through
talking. Auron had been glad about that, one of his biggest worries was that
Tidus would press and press the subject until his relationship with Jecht came
out, the relationship Tidus would never forgive him for.
He'd considered moving out. Even though Tidus wasn't playing professionally
yet, he likely would be soon, and would be able to support himself. He would
survive, and then Auron wouldn't have to worry about Tidus seducing him
anymore. But he knew he'd never be able to bring himself to do it. Even if
Tidus were playing with the Abes, he was still just a child, still only fifteen
years old. Still just far enough from adulthood, and still needing someone to
look out for him and take care of him. He still needed someone to cling to, and
Auron couldn't deny him that.
A forcible slam of the door suddenly echoed throughout the houseboat,
interrupting Auron's musings. He looked up in what was half mild surprise, half
mild irritation at being interrupted, as Tidus stormed in the room, a scowl
spread across his entire face. Plunking himself down on the couch next to
Auron, he glared sullenly at the wall beside him and stubbornly refused to
speak about what was wrong, obviously wanting attention and waiting for Auron
to ask him. Auron almost would have thought he was just putting on a show, but
the furious blinking of his eyes as he tried desperately to hold back tears
gave him away. Still, Auron did not ask. If Tidus really wished him to know,
then he would share the information when he was ready. For the moment, he was
content to turn his attention back to the book he held in his hands and pretend
to read it while his thoughts invariably turned musing once more.
What he couldn't help thinking about now was Jecht, and how Tidus looked just
like him when angered. Auron hadn't seen Jecht angry often; in fact, it had
happened only twice throughout their entire journey. He always displayed a
dazzling variety of other emotions as they travelled in and about Spira, but
rarely had he gotten angry. One of those two times, it had been directed at
Auron.
They'd argued. Of course they had. They must have spent half of the pilgrimage
arguing. It was a wonder Braska could stand to put up with it. But never before
had Jecht been angry when they'd argued. No, that wasn't Jecht's style. Jecht
might get excited, he might yell and gesture with his arms wildly, but in all
their arguments before, he'd never been truly angered no matter how heated
things got, and he was always able to laugh it off afterwards. At first Auron
had thought this was because the man was older, that he'd had more practice at
controlling his temper. But as he gradually came to know Jecht, he understood
that was just the way he was, that it wasn't in his nature to get angry, or
upset. Cocky, arrogant, and brash—yes. That and more Jecht definitely was. But
not hot-headed. Auron had been the hot-headed one then.
It had been a stupid argument, over something silly and pointless, though it
had seemed largely significant at the time. They'd been walking along the bank
of the Moonflow, heading for the shoopuf dock so they could cross along to the
other side. Braska had told Jecht some days earlier about the Moonflow, and how
it looked at night. Somehow Jecht had gotten it into his head that they
absolutely had to stop and stay there for the night, so they could see the
pyreflies flitting about the Moonlilies, and everything all lit up. He'd wanted
to see it because there'd never been such a thing in Zanarkand.
Auron had been angry, thought it was a waste of time and that they must press
on in their journey and not stop to linger over such foolishness. So they'd
argued, and for the first time ever, Jecht had gotten angry. Visibly angry.
Even Braska had been surprised. In the face of that anger, Auron had gave in.
He was almost afraid not to. It wasn't even a drunken anger—Jecht had been
sober for once. Perhaps that was why he'd actually gotten angry. Perhaps he
could only get angry when he wasn't drunk off his ass. He still didn't know.
They'd stopped and set up camp near the bank then, and Jecht had stalked off to
be alone for a bit. When he came back he was his normal, cheerful self—or
mostly. An aura of melancholy had seemed to linger about him, very well
concealed. Auron doubted Braska had caught it. He wasn't even sure he'd seen it
himself, and it had quickly disappeared as Jecht had wasted no time losing
himself in his alcohol again. Nothing was ever said about the argument, or
Jecht's anger. But Auron had never forgotten it.
The difference with Tidus though, was that Tidus often got angry, and easily.
He could get angry over the littlest, most unimportant things, and while that
anger lasted it was fierce and strong and very obvious. When Tidus was angry,
you knew he was angry. And once it was gone, it was gone all at once, as if it
had never existed in the first place. If the anger had been directed at a
person, the second he was no longer angry, he'd be his same cheerful kind self
to whoever had made him mad. Auron had seen it countless times, Tidus angry at
him over the years as he'd grown up.
"Auron?" Tidus spoke up suddenly, startling him. He'd actually forgotten Tidus
was next to him. "Why do people all have to be stupid?"
Auron chuckled slightly. "What do you mean?"
Tidus shrugged and looked at the man near him for the first time that evening.
His face was more a pout than anything else, but Auron could still how upset he
still was. "People are just stupid," he said decisively, almost defiantly.
"Come on. Why do you say that?" Auron asked, encouraging him to keep talking,
to explain what was bothering him.
Tidus just shook his head, a few tears sliding down his cheeks. He angrily
wiped them away, embarrassed at crying in front of Auron. "It's just... aw,
it's stupid. I'm sorry. Never mind." He stood abruptly, as if to leave. Without
thinking about it, Auron reached out and grabbed his wrist, causing Tidus to
look at him in some surprise. Auron hadn't voluntarily touched Tidus in six
months now. "Sit," Auron prompted him, speaking somewhat gruffly as he quickly
let go of the boy.
Tidus bit his lip, looking at Auron a moment, and then sat back down beside
him, closer than before. Auron pretended not to notice this. "Now. Explain,"
Auron said, the tone of his voice kinder than the words themselves.
"It's nothing, really Auron..." Tidus said weakly, trailing off as Auron looked
at him, amber eye just visible over his dark glasses. The blond nervously began
to finger the sleeve of his shirt, looking down at it and focusing on that
instead of his guardian. "Well... some of the guys on the team were talking to
me tonight..." he shrugged again, helplessly. Auron waited for him to go on. "I
guess... I don't think they really meant anything by it, but a few of them were
talking about how well I could play, and that I'd make the Abes for sure." He
blushed as he related that, clearly pleased at the praise. "Anyway, this other
guy cuts in and says I wasn't all that great, that as Jecht's son I should
start playing more like him because Jecht was amazing and I was nothing
compared to him..." he stopped again, and looked back up at Auron, his eyes
looking a little wet around the edges. "See? I said it was stupid. I just—I'm
gonna go." He got up once more, heading for his room.
Auron watched him go for a moment, and then decided to go after him. Whether it
was really stupid or not didn't matter—it was important to Tidus, and that was
what mattered. He went to the boy's room and stood just in the doorway.
"Tidus."
Tidus looked up at him. "Yeah?"
"It isn't stupid."
Tidus remained silent, lowering his head, blond locks falling in his eyes. He
dug through a pile of clothes on his bed, looking for something comfortable to
sleep in.
"I told you this before. Forget about Jecht's talent in blitzball. Focus on
your own instead. Play however you want, just play well. Ignore what other
people tell you. Don't let their words hurt. Understand?" Auron sighed when
Tidus still didn't answer him. "Tidus, you know you can play blitzball very
well. I've seen it for myself. And your other teammates are right, you will
make the Abes."
"Yeah? Well maybe they'll just be hiring me because of who my old man was!"
Tidus shot back, anger coming back full force. He snatched up some clothes, and
started pulling his school uniform shirt over his head. Auron tried not to
stare. "Besides," Tidus went on. "You've told me numerous times you've never
played blitzball. How would you really know anything about how well I can play?
And how can you compare me to Jecht's skill? Unless you watched Jecht."
Now it was Auron's turn to remain silent. He should have known talk of Jecht
would lead to this. And he was tired of making excuses, tired of lying to the
boy.
"Auron, please!" Tidus pleaded, sounding desperate. "I can't stand it any more!
I can't stand any of this! I hate not knowing, I hate that you know and refuse
to tell me anything about him, no matter how times I ask. I'm always dreaming
about him, you know? I'm always wondering what happened to him and if he really
is as dead as everyone says, and I hate it!"
"What do you want me to say?" Auron demanded, suddenly angry himself. He'd long
mastered control of his anger, but Tidus was drawing that angry young man he'd
been back to the forefront again. "He was a drunken, arrogant, cocky, over-
confident, talkative egotistic man, and I only knew him for six months. Six
months. He spent most of that time talking about his son. His crybaby, runt of
a son who he wanted to make into a blitz star like himself. He didn't shut up
about you, Tidus. He missed you like crazy. He may not have known how to be a
good father, but he still ca—"
"Stop!" Tidus sounded shaken. "Just stop."
"Why? It's what you wanted, isn't it? For me to talk about Jecht?" He was being
cruel, he knew, and yet he couldn't seem to stop.
Tidus swallowed, and stood there, still half-undressed, clothes in his hand
forgotten. "You're wrong," he said, voice lacking conviction. "He hated me. He
didn't care about me at all, except to tease me for laughs when he was drunk.
He wouldn't have missed me, or talked about me."
Auron came over to him, looking down at him. "I can't make you believe me," he
said.
"Good. Because I don't." Tidus paused for a moment. "Is he really dead,
though?"
Auron didn't hesitate. "Yes." Useless, to explain about Sin. Jecht was as good
as dead, anyways. He'd never be human again, and once the next Summoner killed
him, he'd be gone forever. Gone to the Farplane, to join Braska.
"Oh." At last Tidus seemed to remember he'd been changing. He slipped on the t-
shirt he'd been holding in his hands, and then pulled on a pair of sleeping
shorts as well, not caring that Auron was in the room watching him. He said
nothing more about Jecht, Auron's words perhaps having thrown him off.
Auron knew that he should leave then, before he invited any further
conversation, but for some reason he found he couldn't seem to make himself go.
So he stood there, still watching Tidus who by now had walked over to the
window, staring outside into the dark night.
Eventually Tidus spoke again. "Does Jecht have anything to do with your
refusing me?"
Auron went very still, glad that Tidus' back was to him so he couldn't see the
shock on his face. He sucked in a quick, quiet breath, rendered speechless,
without any idea what to say. Deny. He had to deny it. "Jecht has nothing to do
with it." It was a lie. Jecht had everything to do with it, and apparently they
both knew it. But Tidus nodded, accepting this lie peacefully.
"Then you don't really have a reason for refusing me, do you," Tidus said
matter-of-factly as he backed away from the window somewhat, turning his blue
eyes back on Auron.
Without being aware that he was going to do it, and without hardly even being
aware that he was doing it, Auron pounced. He pinned Tidus to the floor beneath
him, knees on either side of Tidus' legs, hands gripping his shoulders roughly,
watching as the boy's eyes went wide with shock, breath knocked out of him as
his back hit the hard floor. Even now, he was beautiful, and Auron couldn't
take his eye off of him. "Why do you want this so bad?" Auron growled at him.
Tidus continued to regard him with eyes still wide. He didn't move to get out
of Auron's hold on him. "I... I can't answer that. I don't know the answer. I
just do, is all."
Auron gazed at him for long moments, knowing all control was gone now, knowing
he should just get up and leave, knowing he wouldn't, knowing already what was
going to happen. Damn the boy for being so persistent. Damn himself for
allowing him to want Tidus. Damn Jecht the millionth time for asking this of
him. He let go of one of Tidus' shoulders, hand moving to trace the contours of
Tidus' cheek, finger nothing more than the lightest of touches. "This," he
asked, still growling, "is this what you really want? You are sure?"
Tidus only nodded, not daring to speak.
Auron allowed himself to look at Tidus for a moment longer, neither of them
moving or speaking. He knew he'd most likely regret it in the morning, but it
was too late. There was no turning back now. He didn't want to turn back. All
those months of wanting Tidus, and constantly resisting that lust, had only
steadily fed the flames and made him want Tidus more than ever. And Tidus had
added to it, pushing and prodding over and over, until he finally broke, all
lack of control and not caring. He didn't care.
He didn't let himself think about it. He brought his face down, and he kissed
Tidus. And Tidus kissed him back, and nothing else mattered.
Chapter End Notes
     chapter updated 04 April 2017
***** play with fire *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Regret.
It was the only thing he could feel, the regret that was eating away at him. If
anything, he thought perhaps he should be feeling shame, but he felt none. He
couldn't even summon up vague semblances of chagrin; everything else was washed
out by the intense regret.
He shouldn't have done it. He shouldn't have done it. He'd known that, and he'd
went ahead and done it anyway. He'd given in, and he'd slept with Tidus. A
fifteen year old boy, for Yevon's sake. A boy he had promised to look out for
and protect. But he'd broken the promise now. What had he been thinking?
He hadn't, of course. That was the problem. He'd let his body make the
decisions last night, and his mind had decided to wander off to the Farplane or
something in the meantime. And the mistake of that would be costly. Oh sure, he
apparently hadn't cared last night, but what was to happen now? Auron didn't
know. He had no clue what to do next. There were really only two options that
he saw.
One, insane as it sounded, was to allow some kind of new relationship to form
between him and the boy. It was stupid, and could only be based on lust, and
could never amount to anything, and yet... it was what he wanted to do. Then,
the other option would be to pretend last night had never happened, because it
was a mistake, and it could never happen again. It would hurt Tidus, sure, but
it really was the better option. But... was it the right thing to do? Again, he
didn't know. It had seemed so clear-cut before.
But really, it was still clear, wasn't it? None of his reasons for refusing
Tidus had really gone away just because he'd had a temporary weakness last
night. In fact, there was even more reason now. Tidus was still only fifteen,
still being ruled by his hormones. When he got older, when he realised how
wrong it was, he'd never forgive Auron for allowing a relationship—even just a
sexual one—between them. And then of course there was still Auron's
relationship with Jecht.
A small murmur drew his attention, and he looked down. Tidus was currently
sleeping next to him in the bed. At some point during the previous night Auron
had at least had the sense enough to move them to Tidus' bed, knowing the floor
was extremely uncomfortable. And so that was where they had wound up falling
asleep when they were done, though to be sure the bed was rather small and just
barely held the both of them. He was practically falling off the edge. Still,
he didn't move. Knowing that what was to come in the next hours would be
painful for the both of them, and at the least he wanted Tidus to have the
small pleasure of waking up next to him.
Being careful not to wake or disturb the boy, Auron sat up in the bed, looking
down at the sleeping blond. Even in his sleep he was quite beautiful to look
at, and Auron suddenly found he couldn't take his eye off him. He looked
nothing like Jecht in sleep. Jecht had been the type to have limbs all splayed
out, mouth hanging open slightly, tossing and turning throughout the night. He
was impossible to share a bed with, that is to say, at least when he actually
expected sleep.
Tidus, on the other hand, was very still as he slept. Auron had watched him
countless times, for countless hours. Unless he was having a nightmare, the boy
rarely moved. He could fall asleep in one position and wake that way ten hours
later. He'd moved at some point during this night though, or else Auron had
unconsciously pushed him away from where he'd fallen asleep curled up next to
him. Now he was on his back, body just barely brushing up against Auron's. His
chest was moving up and down slightly as he breathed, and the arm opposite
Auron was draped over his chest. His hair was a mess, random sweaty strands
clinging to his face. He wasn't dressed, obviously. Neither of them were.
His mind drifted back to last night as his eye absently trailed down the length
of Tidus' body, stirring in him a lazy sort of lust that didn't last long as
regret put him back in his place. Sleeping with Tidus had been nothing like
sleeping with Jecht, of course. Jecht had never been with another man, but to
admit so would have been a bruise to Jecht's mighty ego. He'd exhibited nothing
but confidence and a take-charge kind of attitude the first time they'd slept
together. And Jecht had only gotten bolder in their relationship as time went
on and the end of the pilgrimage drew near. Tidus though, for all his somewhat
clumsy seduction attempts and pleadings with Auron to give into what they both
wanted, had been rather shy and unsure of himself in bed, nervous about his
first time and at a loss for what to do. And then there was also the fact that
he wasn't Jecht. That was the biggest difference of all.
Next to him, Tidus stirred slightly and Auron felt a slight twinge of nervous
anticipation as he watched the boy, waiting for signs that he was waking. He
didn't want Tidus to wake yet. It was too soon. He'd expected at least another
hour, an hour in which he'd wanted to use to gather his thoughts and try to
decide just what to say to Tidus that would hurt the boy the least. But it
looked like he wasn't going to be granted that time after all, for Tidus' eyes
were slowly coming open, blinking lazily as he emerged from his slumber. Auron
remained still, watching him as he oriented himself to his surroundings, trying
to adjust to the fact that it was morning. He seemed somewhat surprised but
nonetheless pleased when he realised Auron was still next to him. "Morning,"
Tidus said to him, offering a small and tentative smile.
"Morning," Auron responded gruffly, not smiling back. He watched the smile drop
off Tidus' face and inwardly winced, already feeling bad about it. The morning
was going to be rough and painful indeed. Even if he was about to hurt Tidus
deeply, it couldn't kill him to be nice to the poor boy.
Tidus sat up without another word, sliding himself out of his bed and
practically running out of the room to the bathroom, obviously wanting to get
away from Auron and try to figure out just how upset Auron was with him.
Auron watched him go somewhat uneasily, wondering if perhaps he should say
something, stop Tidus from leaving and making the already uncomfortable
situation worse. But before he could even start to make up his mind, the
bathroom door was slamming shut, with Tidus in there. Auron let out a sigh.
Then he swore softly. Why, oh why hadn't he been stronger last night, and kept
his damn desire in check? If he had, Tidus and he wouldn't be in this situation
now. And he wouldn't have to be sitting here trying to figure out what the hell
to say. 'Tidus, I never should have slept with you'? Simple and to the point.
But it would also be a slap to the face. He couldn't say it like that. 'Last
night was a mistake'? He shook his head. Still too blunt. He was really no good
at this 'putting it delicately' thing. Pointless. Putting things delicately got
you nowhere in Spira.
After another moment of useless thinking, Auron got out of the bed, feeling his
aching muscles scream in protest. He reminded himself never to sleep in Tidus'
bed again. It was just too damn small to hold him comfortably. He left the
room, heading down the hall to the room that was once Jecht's and now his,
knowing it would be a good idea to get dressed before he talked to Tidus. It
didn't take long for him to get dressed. He considered foregoing his usual
style for something a little more serious, but decided it might throw Tidus off
more instead of take him seriously. Once he had clothes again, he discovered
that Tidus was still locked up in the bathroom showering, so he went downstairs
to wait, knowing Tidus would have to come down there eventually.
But Tidus didn't come down. He chose to spend the day up in his room instead,
hiding, until Auron finally realised that he'd have to go back up there after
Tidus and insist on their talking about it. Tidus would fight it at first,
perhaps, but there really was no avoiding it. He couldn't let things get
awkward between them because of one night, a night that was nothing more than a
foolish mistake on his part. He sighed softly to himself, and squared his
shoulders, bracing himself for what was to come as he stood, starting to make
his way towards the stairs. But when he reached them, looking up, Tidus was
sitting there on the landing, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped
around them protectively. His head was buried in his knees, and all Auron could
see was a mop of blond hair.
"What are you doing?"
Tidus did not look up, choosing instead to speak to his knees. "Trying to get
brave."
"For what?" Auron asked, listening carefully to Tidus' voice. It sounded as if
the boy had been crying. He involuntarily clenched his hands into fists,
telling himself he should have come after Tidus sooner. Much sooner.
"To go downstairs," came the somewhat muffled reply.
Auron sighed again, and went up the stairs, arranging himself rather awkwardly
next to Tidus once he reached the landing; the narrow hallway was really too
small for them to both sit comfortably, and Auron didn't usually sit on floors
anyways. "Why are you scared to go downstairs?" he asked a bit gruffly once
he'd got situated.
Now Tidus did lift his head, and Auron could see he had in fact been crying—the
boy's face was red and splotchy with drying tears. "You're mad at me," he said,
voice trembling slightly, "for last night."
A third sigh. "I'm mad at me. Not you."
"Why?" Tidus queried, curiously. "It was me... I kept pushing you."
What to say? He'd reached the point of no return now, and he was still clueless
on how to put it to Tidus. He'd had hours to think about it, and he'd come up
with nothing.
"Auron?" Tidus pressed gently, insistently. Still pushing him, even now. Still
wanting more than what he had, always. In that sense, he was nothing like
Jecht. In Jecht's mind, he had already reached the top. He didn't need anything
else.
"I meant what I said before." The words came out of his mouth on their own
accord, without his realising what he was going to say. Outwardly, he watched
Tidus calmly for a reaction, though inside he was anything but calm. So many
different emotions were tumbling around inside him, things he hadn't felt since
he'd left Spira, riding Sin to Zanarkand to watch over this boy beside him. And
still, overriding everything else was the regret. The regret that would
probably never leave him, no matter what happened in the end.
"Before? Which was... what? You said a lot of things before, Auron." It was a
somewhat ironic statement, but if Tidus realised that, he didn't seem to care.
He had sat up straight now, and the expression on his face as he looked at the
older man reflected only seriousness.
"I believe you called them excuses," Auron told him, not wanting to have to say
them out loud again, knowing just how foolish they would sound, especially in
light of what had taken place last night.
If Tidus was hurt by the words, he didn't show it. His face never changed, for
once remaining as stoic and impassive as Auron's. "You still offer them even
now?"
"Yes." Because he couldn't afford to offer anything else.
"And my old man?" Tidus' voice was not quite steady.
"What about him?"
"He has nothing to do with this?"
"No," Auron said, not liking the lie any more than he had the previous times.
If he wasn't so afraid that it would completely destroy their relationship,
then Auron would have told him. He knew it wasn't fair to keep the truths and
secrets about Jecht to himself, to not tell Jecht's own son, but he didn't
really see that he had any other choice. Perhaps if Tidus wasn't so intent on
hating his father so much, he would have felt more comfortable telling him, and
then Tidus could make more of an informed choice on what he wanted, and then
they might have been able to have some sort of relationship, at least when
Tidus was a little older.
"I still don't know whether or not to believe you on that," Tidus murmured,
looking away again.
Auron remained silent on that, knowing that there was nothing he could say that
would make Tidus believe him. Nor did he really want to convince him, since it
wasn't even true. Still, he was glad the conversation had diverted to Jecht, if
only momentarily. Much preferable to talking about the mistake of last night.
Tidus was silent for a bit as well, thinking, head propped up on arms propped
up on knees. He seemed content to sit there motionless without a word, while
Auron grew uncomfortable beside him. It was almost amusing, to see their roles
so reserved.
"Well," Tidus said at last, climbing to his feet. "I'm hungry. I think I'll
head downstairs and get something to eat. You comin'?"
Auron only shook his head, and watched him go. So Tidus was going to push it
aside, pretend the conversation and the previous night never happened? It was
probably for the best. As long as that was the end of it.
                                     * * *
Unfortunately, it wasn't the end, though, as Auron soon found out. He'd thought
Tidus had understood, thought Tidus knew their night together had been a
mistake, and that Auron's 'excuses' still stood, that another encounter
couldn't happen again. Whether Tidus hadn't grasped that, or had and was just
choosing to ignore it, Auron couldn't be sure. However, one thing was for
certain, and that was that Tidus had definitely not given up.
Even after he'd finally gotten what he'd wanted—what they'd both wanted, if
Auron was to be honest with himself—it didn't seem to be enough. Not content
with only one night, Tidus kept pushing for more. How much more, he didn't
know. The boy didn't seem to be after any kind of a romantic relationship, but
perhaps he felt he just needed the sexual relationship first. Or maybe the
sexual relationship was really all he wanted. Or maybe he only wanted one more
time.
It was maddening, and Auron thought more than ever of moving out, but he knew
he couldn't do that to Tidus. Not now, not yet. And really, he couldn't
entirely blame Tidus. One night hadn't been enough for him either. All his
fantasies had seemed so feeble in the face of actually having Tidus before him,
to actually touch and taste that soft, smooth skin, to feel those silky blond
strands between his fingers, to feel that tight, warm heat wrapped around his—
He took a shaky breath, and knew he had to stop thinking about it. Tidus, for a
rare chance, was home for the night, with no blitzball practice to keep him
away, and he was sitting just at the other end of the couch, watching the news
on the holoscreen. Auron didn't dare keep remembering their night together. His
grasp on his control was tenuous, and liable to slip at any time. He'd already
relived it in his mind too many times over the past few weeks. And Tidus was
surprisingly observant when it came to picking up on what Auron was thinking
and feeling. It wouldn't take him long to catch the direction of Auron's
thoughts, if he hadn't already.
"Was I bad?" Tidus suddenly asked out of nowhere, causing Auron to look at him
in confusion. For a moment he honestly couldn't fathom what the boy was on
about.
"Bad?"
"You know, when we..." he trailed off, blushing, and Auron nearly groaned. Why
couldn't Tidus just let it go? And for that matter, was it really so hard for
Tidus to just say "slept together" even after they'd done it? It just served to
illustrate even more that it shouldn't have happened.
Still, even if he didn't want to encourage Tidus, he didn't want to destroy the
boy either. Surely there would be others for him, and he didn't want to have
Tidus think he was lousy in bed and lose all confidence. "You were fine," he
said, uncomfortably, the words thick in his mouth. He wished he could believe
that would be the end of it, but he knew Tidus better than that.
"It was my first time," Tidus admitted, his voice low. He sounded apologetic
about it, as if Auron should have expected him to be experienced and amazing
and was thoroughly disappointed that he wasn't.
"I assumed," Auron said evenly.
"It didn't bother you?"
Auron sighed, recognising that they were clearly going to talk about this to
Tidus' satisfaction, and once again damn what Auron wanted. He reached up his
hands to rub at his temples, feeling a headache starting to form. He knew Tidus
was fishing, trying to find some other reason that Auron was still refusing
him, something that he could conceivably fix and use to make Auron change his
mind. Why did the damn boy have to be so stubborn, why couldn't he just accept
that what he wanted couldn't happen, no matter how much Auron wished it
otherwise?
He looked over at Tidus, who had adapted an earnest expression on his face,
though he could see the hint of contrasting anxiety and smugness concealed in
Tidus' eyes. It irritated him. He was tired of being delicate with the boy's
feelings, tired of having to constantly cater to him. Tidus wanted to keep
playing with fire, wanted so badly to mess around in an adult world that he
didn't yet completely belong in, despite his initiation into it by Auron, to
keep playing these silly games, thinking it would eventually cause Auron to
fall again.
Just this once, he'd give the boy a taste of what he wanted, and if he got
burned a bit... well, then so be it. "You want the truth?" he growled, moving
over to the spot next to Tidus and gripping his shoulders, wrenching the boy so
he was facing him. "Well, here it is: your virginity merely turned me on more.
I loved knowing that no one before me had touched you, that I would get to be
your first. Just a boy, only fifteen, still so innocent in many ways, still so
pure... and I got to be the one to rip all that away from you, to show you just
what sex was like. The truth, boy, is that I could make myself come every night
just on that knowledge alone."
He stopped suddenly, realising he'd gone a little further than he meant, and
feeling embarrassed at how unlike him the admission was, even if it was true.
Tidus was staring at him, his eyes wide, wincing slightly as Auron's fingers
dug tightly and painfully into his shoulders, and there was a bit of fear in
his expression. Auron let go of him and pulled away, taking a deep breath as he
closed his eye, trying to regain his composure. He felt deeply ashamed of
himself. He'd never meant to scare the boy, never wanted Tidus to feel afraid
of him for any reason. What was it about Tidus that made him so consistently
lose control? Why, why, could he not just control himself?
"I'm sorry," he apologised stiffly. "I did not mean to hurt you, or scare you."
Tidus smiled at him wryly, shrugging it off, once again affecting unconcern. "I
did ask." He bit down on his lip, looking hesitant. "Auron?"
Auron groaned, wanting desperately to escape the hell their conversation had
become. "Tidus, isn't it enough? You have more than gotten what you wanted."
"I just... if I wasn't bad, if you thought—all that, why can't it happen again?
For now, why can't we just do what we both know we want? There doesn't have to
be any deeper meaning behind it."
"My reasons have not changed," he said wearily, grown tired of constantly
having to repeat himself to this damnably stubborn boy. At times he thought he
should just tell Tidus the truth about Jecht, for surely that would get Tidus
to at last give up. But he needed the boy, needed Tidus to not hate him, to
still trust in him, for when Jecht came back to Zanarkand to carry them both
away to Spira, and so he could not admit to his relationship with Jecht.
Truthfully, he didn't ever want to admit to it, not to Tidus, not to the boy
he'd watched over for eight years, to the boy who had grown to care for him so,
even if now it was a bit too much.
"But—"
"I do not want to keep having this conversation, Tidus."
"Fine."
He didn't have to look to know that Tidus would be pouting, as he'd done often
of late. He felt a spark of guilt at that, but ruthlessly squashed it. He
couldn't deal with Tidus' constant pushing anymore, and always asking questions
he could not—or would not—answer. If Tidus wanted to be seen as an adult, Auron
would start treating him like one. At least in this.
                                     * * *
The one good to come out of his conversation with Tidus was that the boy
finally quit pushing, at least for awhile. His feelings, his constant lust and
longing for his young charge, however, didn't diminish in the slightest, though
the reprieve at least gave him a chance to regain some semblance of control
over himself. He chided himself for ever having lost it in the first place. He
never should have let a mere fifteen year old get so under his skin. He didn't
even really know how he had, he'd spent so much of his life training to be a
warrior monk, learning to not lose control.
Of course, Jecht had always caused a similar reaction in him. He could never
keep his cool when Jecht was around, getting angry at the slightest
provocation, until eventually Jecht started provoking him on purpose, seeming
to find perverse amusement in watching Auron yell. And since Tidus was like
Jecht in so many other ways, why not this way as well? The only difference
between instead of making Auron lose control and yell, he was trying to make
Auron lose control and fuck him.
The sound of a throat clearing had him looking up, coming out of the fog of his
thoughts, and he realised he'd been standing in front of the canned goods for
who knew how long, staring blankly at some sweet carrots. He moved aside for
the woman who clearly wanted them, muttering an apology. He looked around for
his cart, and tried to remember what he'd come down this aisle for. He hated
doing the shopping. No one had giant 'supermarkets' like this in Spira, not
even Bevelle or Luca. It was all open air stalls or at most small marts. Many
of the smaller villages like Besaid or Kilika simply grew their own food,
sharing amongst everybody. The sight of all this food in one place made him
uncomfortable, reminding him of just how big Zanarkand was, and how crowded,
and how very unlike Spira it was, and how much he missed his home.
Once there had been a time when he would have brought Tidus. Tidus had grown up
with all this, was used to it. The first time Auron had gone shopping with him,
when his mom had been too sick to get out of bed, the little boy had delighted
in being able to show a grown-up what to do, and every time after that Auron
had always let him take control, reading out the grocery list and pointing out
the items to Auron, and pushing the cart once he'd gotten big enough for it to
stop dwarfing him.
Now though, he didn't dare. Their carefree time together was gone. Instead it
was constant tension between the two of them, both of them wanting each other,
dancing around each other, both equally determined to not give in to the other.
Auron could only imagine what would happen if Tidus got it into his head to try
something in public, knowing Auron wouldn't want to resist too much and make a
scene. And really, if Tidus actually made a move to touch him, Auron knew he'd
be lost, and wouldn't fight against it anymore. He was lucky in that all of
Tidus' attempts to seduce him hadn't involved anything physical so far, because
every part of Auron longed to always say yes, and a single sexual touch would
easily be his undoing.
Not liking the direction his thoughts were taking, he looked down at his
shopping list, checking the next item, resolving firmly to put any thoughts of
that lithe young body writhing beneath him out of his mind.
                                     * * *
He woke with a harsh gasp one night out of a nightmare, thoughts of Sin and
Jecht and Braska and Yunalesca swirling through his mind, dredging up memories
that were better left in the past. He still remembered Jecht saying so clearly,
make me the fayth, and the terror that had gripped his heart as those words had
been uttered. He'd pleaded for Jecht not to, not able to bear the thought of
losing the man he was just beginning to fall in love with, not wanting to think
of having to go on without him. He'd known from the start that if Braska were
to succeed in his pilgrimage, he would lose him. The thought nearly killed him,
but he'd learned to accept it. But Jecht... he hadn't been prepared to lose
Jecht too.
When he'd confronted Yunalesca later, after Sin had been eradicated and both
Braska and Jecht were gone, it had been a relief, in a weird sort of way, to
have been struck down by her. He'd been so angry, so blinded by grief, so
consumed in his rage that he'd attacked without thinking, without any care to
himself. He just wanted to avenge the deaths of Braska and Jecht, avenge the
fact that everything had been for nothing, had all been so pointless. Had it
not been for his promises to both of them, he would have given up the second
he'd crumpled from Yunalesca's blow, and let himself fade away then.
But they'd been depending on him, counting on him to make sure their children
were taken care of, and after everything they'd just done for Spira, he hadn't
wanted to let them down. So he'd summoned up the strength to keep on somehow,
to crawl back through the ruins of Zanarkand and back down Mt. Gagazet until
Kimahri had found him, lying there and near death. He'd known then that he
wasn't going to make it—the blow Yunalesca had dealt him had been mortal, and
all the potions in the world wouldn't save him, nor magic itself. He'd known
there had been only one option left, and he'd extracted the promise from
Kimahri to watch over Yuna in his place. Somehow that had given him the
strength to go on just a little further, until he'd reached the travel agency
just outside Bevelle and been helped by Rin before he'd died.
Death had its advantages though, for without becoming unsent he surely would
not have been able to ride Sin and reach the beloved city of Zanarkand that
Jecht had always talked about, and would not have been able to keep his promise
to watch over Tidus. Though lately, he wasn't sure it was still an advantage...
He missed Jecht. Missed him so fiercely that his chest ached with it, and the
nightmare had only served to intensify it. How he wished there could have been
another way, some way to defeat Sin once and for all and not have to sacrifice,
not have to continue the never-ending spiral of death. He'd changed in a lot of
ways since coming to Zanarkand, but letting go of the anger at the
senselessness of his companions' deaths had never been one of them.
A shadow fell across his bed, making him look up to spot Tidus standing
silently in his doorway, fists clenched at his sides, the rigid tension evident
in the slope of his shoulders. Clearly, something had upset the boy. It wasn't
storming out though, so Auron was uncertain as to what had drawn the boy to his
room in the middle of the night, especially with the way things had been
between them lately.
"What is it?" he asked warily, hoping this wasn't another attempt by Tidus to
change his mind, again.
For a moment Tidus didn't respond, then he let out a slow breath, forcibly
relaxing his stance. "I had a nightmare," he said quietly. "Can I just sit with
you for a bit?"
Auron resisted the urge to groan. "You really are too old for this, Tidus."
"I know, but... please?"
He did groan then, cursing his weakness for the boy, and for Jecht, and for
promises made long ago. "Fine. Come on, then." He couldn't see the boy's face
clearly in the dark room, but if he could he was sure that Tidus would be
grinning, probably feeling smug at getting what he wanted once again.
Tidus padded over to Auron's bed and then got in next to him, laying down but
staying on top of the covers, as if he knew that pushing too much too fast
would get him kicked out. They both were silent for awhile, each lost in their
own thoughts of their nightmares and the memories stirred up that they
constantly tried to leave in the past. "I dreamed about my old man," Tidus
eventually said softly, the words a quiet hush in the silence of the room.
Auron didn't respond, remembering his own dream. Seemed Jecht was on both their
minds tonight.
"I dreamed about when he disappeared," Tidus continued, his words still barely
above a whisper. "It seemed like a dream at first, and I couldn't even figure
out if it was a bad dream or a good one. When they first came to tell us, Mom
was standing on the deck of the houseboat, and it was like she knew, before
they even said... She just sort of crumpled down to the ground, tears streaming
down her face as they told her Jecht hadn't been seen since he'd gone out on
the sea to train. They said they would search, but I think we both knew, even
then, that he wasn't coming back."
He swallowed heavily as he listened to Tidus speak. As much as the boy
professed to hate his father—there was pain evident in his voice when he spoke
of the man's disappearance. Oh, he knew some of it was probably for his
mother—it couldn't have been easy, being only seven and having to watch her
break down and slowly fade away after his father was gone—but he was sure that
some was for Jecht too, more than Tidus likely suspected, for not truly knowing
what happened and being denied that sense of closure he so obviously, so
desperately needed. When the time came, Auron would give him that closure, but
for now—well, he couldn't really blame Tidus for his frustration with Auron's
refusal to speak of his father.
"Your mother must have loved him very much," Auron said quietly.
"I don't know why," Tidus muttered, his voice tinged with anger. "I don't know
what she ever saw in him—he was an arrogant drunken bully, always putting
others down and believing he was better than everyone... he always made me so
mad."
Well, Auron really couldn't deny that. Jecht had certainly had arrogance and
egotism in spades, and had loved his alcohol a little too much. It had
constantly caused trouble for him and Braska, right up until the... incident,
as the three of them had referred to it afterwards. "There must have been
something redeeming in him, for your mother to love him so."
Tidus let out a snort. "She thought he was amazing at blitzball, that was all."
"You disagree?" Auron asked curiously. This was the most Tidus had ever talked
about Jecht, and for some reason he didn't want the boy to stop. Even though
Tidus hated him—it was nice, to be able to hear of Jecht's life before Spira.
"No," Tidus sighed. "Not really. He was good—I just hate how he always went
around bragging he was the best, and showing off that stupid move of his."
"The Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III," Auron murmured. He wasn't
really thinking about Tidus, wasn't thinking about the boy next to him who was
always begging for the truth, always asking him about Jecht—his mind was far
away, back on the beach in Besaid, watching as Jecht showed off his move for
the children there. Therefore, he didn't realise just what he'd done until he
heard Tidus suck in a sharp breath beside him.
"You have seen him play." Tidus tried to sound casual, to play it off like no
big deal, but Auron caught the tremor in his voice nonetheless. Guilt washed
over him in little waves. For all the boy had been driving him crazy lately, he
hadn't meant to hurt him, hadn't meant for Tidus to find out like that. Really,
he hadn't intended for Tidus to ever know that he'd seen Jecht play blitz.
"Yes," he admitted after a moment. "Or rather, I watched him do a few moves."
Now that it was out there, he could at least give Tidus this much. "And what I
saw—he was good. Very good. But Tidus—you are better than he ever was."
"You're just saying that," Tidus muttered. He sounded bitter, and Auron
couldn't entirely blame him. He'd gathered from the things Jecht had said that
Jecht's way of training his son to be a great blitzer was by putting him
down—it might have worked for some kids, but Tidus was far too sensitive.
"No," Auron told him firmly. "I'm not." And really, he wasn't. Jecht had been
amazing to watch, his skill with the ball obvious from just the first toss. But
Tidus—Tidus had been something else entirely, inheriting not only Jecht's speed
and skill, but developing a grace that was all his own, moving with a breath-
taking fluidity throughout the water, his lithe form executing twists and flips
with ease. Auron didn't have any doubt that Tidus would get scouted soon, and
that was what elevated him above Jecht, for Jecht had bragged countless times
about being scouted by the Abes when he was only twenty-one—Tidus would have
him beat by about five years.
"You—you mean it?" Tidus asked, and he sounded so uncertain, so insecure that
Auron's heart went out to him. Damn the boy. Damn the boy.
"Yes," he told the boy quietly. He knew, he knew what was going to happen, knew
what Tidus was about to do, and just as equally knew that he shouldn't let him,
should push him away and tell him no, but—he couldn't. Tidus kissed him,
propping himself up on the bed, soft lips brushing against his hesitantly,
still new enough to kissing to not feel confident about taking the lead, and
Auron... Auron wanted to push him away, but instead he reached out a hand. He
wrapped his fingers around Tidus' wrist and pulled, bringing the boy tumbling
across his chest before he flipped them over, pressing Tidus down into the bed
and kissing him hard, sucking on Tidus' lower lip roughly enough that he knew
it would feel bruised in the morning.
Beneath him, he could just make out Tidus' eyes widening as they broke apart.
"Auron?" he asked breathlessly. He sounded surprised, as if he'd expected Auron
to tell him no again.
Auron knew he should, knew he needed to remember all the reasons why he needed
to tell Tidus no. It couldn't happen, he shouldn't let it, shouldn't want it,
Tidus was just a boy and likely just as inexperienced as last time, there was
Jecht to think about—
But when he looked down at him, looked at those wide, uncertain eyes beneath
him, all he saw was Jecht. Jecht, who for all his cockiness and surety, had
been surprisingly shy the first time they'd been in bed together, and had
refused to take the lead, even though he'd been the one to initiate.
Damn them both.
"You just won't take no for an answer," Auron growled, leaning down to bruise
his lips some more. After a few indecisive moments, Tidus began to kiss him
back, snaking his arms up and around Auron's neck, pulling him in closer. He
was still tense though, which Auron found irrationally irritating. Still, he
didn't want to truly harm him, so he spent a few minutes doing nothing but
kissing, letting the boy relax and get used to him, as there hadn't really been
much kissing the first time.
After some time, he felt safe enough in coaxing Tidus to open his mouth, to
part those wonderfully soft lips and let his tongue in. It didn't surprise him
much to find that the boy's mouth tasted like candy—he kept a stash under his
bed for late night cravings. Still, it reminded him of just how young Tidus
really was still, especially compared to Auron himself. What was wrong with
him, that he could find himself attracted to a child? Fifteen, yes, almost
sixteen even, only a few short years away from adulthood, but a child still in
all the ways that truly mattered.
He pulled away again, dropping his head down so that his forehead rested
lightly against Tidus', and he felt broken.
"Err, Auron?" Tidus asked after a moment, sounding both uncomfortable and
worried. Whether he was worried for Auron or simply worried that Auron would
stop, he didn't know. Didn't know that he wanted to know.
"Why couldn't you let any of it be?"
"Why do you keep telling me no when I know you want it just as badly as I do?"
Tidus countered, but to that Auron couldn't give him the answer. Instead he
just chuckled lowly, though there was nothing good in the sound.
"Play with fire, get burned," he said. He wouldn't coddle the boy, not this
time. The boy wasn't a virgin anymore, and he didn't want to be delicate.
"What?" Tidus asked him, mouth turning down in a confused frown, but he didn't
have time to get much more out before Auron was moving backwards, jerking at
his shirt. Tidus lifted himself up enough for Auron to get it off, but then
Auron was at his shorts, pulling them down his legs with his boxers, finally
yanking them off along with his socks, and then Tidus was laying on the bed,
completely naked and shivering slightly, both from the cool night air and from
the slight embarrassment he still felt at being completely exposed, not yet
used to it.
"Auron?"
He ignored Tidus to sit beside him and flip the light next to the bed on, the
moonlight no longer enough, wanting the chance to examine his prize, knowing he
likely wouldn't get another chance. He would give the boy this one last night,
and then it would never happen again. He eyed the blond in his bed, drinking in
the sight. His skin was still beautifully tanned, flushed slightly darker with
arousal, and so wonderfully smooth underneath his rough fingers. He ran a
finger over one nipple, admiring the flinch and small moan the action elicited.
He did the same to the other, his touch featherlight and teasing, drawing
another delicious moan out of Tidus. Liking the reaction, he let his finger rub
around it, circling it a bit before coming in enough to brush up against it,
repeating it several times before grasping the hardened nub and pulling just
enough.
"Auron, oh fuck," Tidus moaned, eyes fluttering shut as he lost himself in the
pleasure his guardian was giving him.
He continued to absently play with Tidus' nipples, walking that fine line
between pleasure and pain, doing his best to get the boy harder than he'd ever
been in his short life. He let his gaze travel further down the boy's body,
down his toned abs—he had the beginnings of a six-pack that would no doubt make
the women flock to him in a few more years, Auron noted with some amusement—and
over his firm stomach to the reddish-brown hairs beneath. He reached out with
his other hand, and ran his fingers through the coarse curls, his knuckles just
barely brushing the base of the boy's dick, making Tidus shudder.
He looked at it then, curious. He'd had it in both his hand and his mouth last
time, but had been too caught up in other things to really look. Tidus was
hard, and couldn't have been more than five inches at most, likely still
growing for a couple more years yet, another unwanted reminder of the boy's
age. Still, his erection was jutting out proudly from his body, his foreskin
retracted, the tip already dripping copious amounts of precum, wetting one
thigh. Auron wiped a finger through the sticky substance, causing Tidus to jerk
and cry out at the unexpected action. He brought his finger up to the boy's
lips, pressing against them until Tidus opened his mouth. Auron pushed in,
waiting until he licked his own precum off before bringing his finger back down
for some more.
"It tastes weird," Tidus told him, making a face. "I don't want to do it
again."
"You'll get used to it," Auron said, and held his finger up to Tidus' lips once
more. Tidus sighed, but obediently opened his mouth. It was warm and wet, his
tongue slippery against Auron's finger, and he could only imagine how that
would feel around his dick in a little while. He took his finger back, and then
straddled the boy as he had earlier, scooting up some, settling himself just
above Tidus' dick before leaning down to crush the boy's mouth with his. He
took his time tasting and teasing and nibbling, Tidus moaning wantonly into his
mouth all the while. He was glad the boy was a blitzer—he didn't need to come
up for air all that often.
After a bit he broke off to let his lips trail down the side of the boy's neck,
sucking hard, a sudden surge of possession rushing through him, wanting to see
his mark on Tidus, wanting everybody to see that the boy had been claimed.
Tidus groaned at the pressure, and reached up to claw his hands into Auron's
back, his fingernails easily digging through the light shirt Auron had worn to
bed. Eventually he moved away to continue down Tidus' chest, satisfied at the
dark purple bruising he'd left, knowing it would easily stay for a week or
more. He wrapped his mouth around a hard nipple, sucking forcefully, curling
his tongue against it, and Tidus dug his fingers deeper into Auron's back. He
growled into Tidus' chest, liking the pain, and then bit down, not very gently.
Tidus yelped, but Auron didn't let up, biting him again, alternating with more
suction. Tidus' eyes were watering when he finally pulled away, and he'd bitten
down on his abused lower lip enough to make it bleed. The boy's nipple was a
motley of dark red and purple, the areola covered in teeth marks, and he'd
drawn a speck of blood in a few of them.
"You weren't rough like this last time," Tidus complained to him, thrusting out
his lower lip in a pout. The sight went straight to Auron's dick. He wanted
that mouth around it, soon.
"Play with fire, get burned," Auron said, repeating his words of earlier.
The boy frowned at him. "What does that mean?"
"You didn't respect what I wanted, no matter what I said."
"I—" He bit down on his lip again, cutting himself off, and stared at Auron,
his eyes darkening. "Fine."
He clearly still wasn't entirely happy with the idea, but Auron took his words
as acceptance, and promptly leaned down to latch onto his other nipple. He
wasn't any more gentle with it, and this time when he pulled back, Tidus
actually had a few tears trailing down his cheeks, his head turned to the side,
away from Auron.
Fuck. What was wrong with him? He was angry with the boy for the constant
pushing, and angry with himself for giving in, but that didn't mean he had to
abandon all control, didn't mean he had to cross the line from rough to cruel
and turn into some sort of sadistic monster. He didn't want to truly hurt the
boy. Tidus was only fifteen, and Auron would do well to remember this was only
his second time. He sighed at himself, and then reached up a thumb to brush
away the tears from Tidus' eyes before he placed a gentle, apologetic kiss to
each nipple.
Tidus swallowed audibly, and then looked at him, eyes a bit red and still wet
with more unshed tears. Yevon help him, the sight only made him harder. He bent
down and kissed him, gently this time, and then at last pulled his own clothes
off, having to stand to get his pants and boxers down. Tidus watched him,
apparently doing a bit of admiring of his own. Once he was naked he straddled
Tidus again, situating himself on Tidus' legs, and reached down to firmly grip
the boy's dick at the base.
"Fuck," Tidus hissed out, startled, and Auron let out a low chuckle before
sliding his hand up to the tip, running his thumb over the slit momentarily,
then sliding back down again. A second stroke, and the boy whimpered, fisting
both hands into the bedsheets, hips raising up slightly, trying to thrust
himself deeper into Auron's hand. Auron used his free hand to cup his balls,
massaging them as he stroked the boy's dick again, and then Tidus was coming
hard with a moan, eyes rolling back, his whole body shuddering as Auron kept
slowly stroking while Tidus' come coated them both. He swiped two fingers
through the mess on the boy's stomach and then brought them to Tidus' mouth,
smearing some on his lower lip before pressing his fingers in, feeling Tidus
suck at them, relishing in the feeling, knowing it would be his dick feeling it
instead very shortly.
Finally Tidus opened his eyes again, and looked at Auron. He was still panting
slightly, his hair already soaked in sweat, sticking to his forehead, and his
cheeks were flushed from his orgasm. "'m sorry," he mumbled. "Didn't mean to so
fast..."
Auron actually laughed at that, pure amusement tinging the baritone sound.
Truthfully, he'd been surprised the boy had lasted even that long. "You're
young," he told him. "You'll be hard again soon."
Tidus simply blushed at that.
Ignoring the mess on his stomach, knowing it would dry soon and liking the
thought of it making Tidus uncomfortable in the meantime, he brought himself up
to the boy's mouth, placing his his knees on either side of Tidus and using
them to hold most of his weight so he didn't crush the smaller body beneath
him. He grasped his own hard dick and ran it over Tidus' cheek, caressing his
lips with it, leaving a trail of sticky precum across the boy's face. He was
hoping Tidus would take some initiative, perhaps dart that small pink tongue
out to swipe across the head, but Tidus only stared up at him, eyes wide and
uncertain. "Open," he growled at the boy.
Tidus turned his head away, inadvertently smearing more of Auron's precum
across his jaw. "I've never done it before," he said, shame and embarrassment
in his voice, as if Auron hadn't realised that.
Auron grunted. "I'm aware."
"So I don't know how!"
Auron resisted the urge to roll his eye, knowing it wouldn't help anything.
"Use your tongue," he said, "and your mouth. Whatever you think might feel
good. Avoid using your teeth. Now. Open."
Hesitantly, Tidus turned his head back towards him, and slowly parted his lips,
letting Auron slide half his length in. He was instantly engulfed by the heat
and wetness of the boy's mouth, and he hissed in pleasure, all too aware of
just how long it had been since he'd last done this. For a moment, Tidus just
let Auron's dick rest there, and then he tentatively swirled his tongue across
the head as he hollowed his cheeks slightly and began to suck.
Oh fuck. It had been way too long. Tidus was definitely inexperienced, unsure
in his motions and not all that creative with his tongue, his teeth scraping
along the shaft a few times, but still it felt incredible, and in some ways the
lack of skill just turned him on more. Auron closed his eye and let himself
just enjoy the sensations for awhile, giving Tidus the chance to experiment and
get more comfortable with having a dick in his mouth, because Auron didn't plan
to keep it gentle for long.
After several minutes Tidus began pushing against Auron's chest, and Auron
obligingly moved back, letting the boy get his breath back.
"That wasn't so bad." Tidus grinned at him. Auron merely raised an eyebrow.
When the boy lifted up a hand and took Auron in his grasp, he was surprised.
For all that he'd pushed for it, Tidus had been much too shy to try anything on
his own last time. The boy stroked him a bit, nothing fancy, just simple
rhythmic up and down motions, his grip firm but not too tight. Auron groaned,
closing his eyes and throwing his head back slightly. How could such a simple
action feel so damn good?
He was caught off-guard by the familiar tightening in his balls a few minutes
later, hardly able to believe he was already getting even somewhat close to
orgasm. He closed a hand around Tidus', stilling him for a moment. The boy
glanced up at him, anxiety in his expression, probably wondering if he'd done
something wrong, but Auron ignored him and brought his length back up to the
boy's mouth, pressing in again. It felt good—too good, because his first
instinct was to thrust all the way in until the tip hit the back of Tidus'
throat, making the boy gag. He pulled back slightly, but didn't
apologise—because he'd warned him, hadn't he? Tidus had wanted to play games,
had wanted to do whatever it took to get what he wanted and damn the
consequences. Well, now he was getting them, and if it wasn't quite what the
boy had expected, so be it.
This time, he didn't let Tidus suck him as much as he just fucked the boy's
mouth, holding on to the headboard for leverage, rocking his hips forcefully,
enjoying the sight of that small mouth stretched wide around his shaft, cheeks
bulging as he thrust in and out, the sound of the boy's occasional gagging when
he'd hit his throat shooting straight to his dick. He could feel his balls
drawing up tight again, his stomach going taut, tingling sensations building up
in his groin, and then he was coming with a groan, spilling down the boy's
throat without any warning. He could feel Tidus trying to swallow it all, but
he hadn't been prepared and some spilled out of his mouth, leaking around
Auron's softening dick and trickling down his chin. If he'd still been younger
the sight would have made him hard again almost instantly.
When he finally pulled away, scooting back to sit for a moment between Tidus'
legs, the boy glared at him, annoyance reflected in those bright blue eyes as
he wiped his chin with the back of one hand before propping himself up on his
elbows. "You could have warned me," he complained, and Auron rather thought he
sounded like a petulant child.
"I liked it better this way."
If possible, Tidus glared harder. "I thought this would be like last time,
where you were nice and made everything feel good."
"Sorry to disappoint."
Tidus growled, clearly becoming aggravated by Auron's responses. "This isn't
what I wanted!"
Auron laughed hollowly, hardly believing the audacity of the boy's words. "This
isn't what I wanted either."
"Yes it is! I'm young, Auron, but I'm not dumb. You were watching me for
months, and it didn't take long to figure out why. And here we are, doing this
for a second time. Don't tell me you didn't want me."
"I'm only human, Tidus!" Auron barked at him, thoroughly fed up with the boy by
now. For as much as Tidus hated his father, his arrogance at the moment was
startlingly familiar. It was taking him back in time, making him feel as if he
was twenty-five all over again, quick to anger and constantly yelling at Jecht.
"I have needs, I'm capable of attraction! It doesn't mean I want to act on it!"
"Then why—"
"You tell me! You're the one who wouldn't leave it alone!"
"I don't see what's wrong with it still," Tidus said quietly, as he pulled
himself into a sitting position, scooting back from Auron and folding his legs
across each other. "Who cares if I'm fifteen? We both want it. It doesn't have
to be anything more than this."
Auron sighed, the anger leaving him as quickly as it had come on, leaving a
weariness in its place. "Why isn't no enough for you? Why wasn't the first time
enough?"
"This is feeling very circular," Tidus muttered, and Auron had to agree. Rather
than bothering to respond, however, he simply pushed the boy back down into the
bed again, before climbing back atop him and leaning down to kiss him some
more. Despite their argument, Tidus kissed him back willingly enough, leaning
up into it, letting out little whimpers against Auron's mouth, and it didn't
take long for Tidus to be hard again. He actually gave a whine deep in his
throat when Auron pulled away and climbed off the bed.
"Where are you going?" Tidus asked. There was a waver in his voice, and Auron
contemplated letting him think he was done for the night, that he was leaving,
but he'd been plenty harsh enough to the boy already.
"Lubrication," he said shortly, and glanced back in time to catch the boy's
blush, as well as the relieved look momentarily crossing his face. He ducked
into the bathroom across the hall, rummaging through the medicine cabinet
quickly until he spotted the jar of vaseline and snagged it, heading back to
the bedroom. He set the jar on the nightstand for the time being, and then sat
on the edge of the bed, taking another minute to appreciate the boy sprawled
out before him.
"Auron?" Tidus sounded nervous now, probably wondering why Auron was just
sitting there, looking at him, and not doing anything. Well, Auron could change
that easily enough.
"Touch yourself."
"W-what?" Tidus stammered, looking at him askance, obviously thinking he had
misheard somehow.
"You heard me," Auron told him, focusing his dark gaze on the boy.
Tidus squirmed, another blush staining his cheeks. "I... I can't do that!"
"You will."
The boy stared at him in disbelief briefly, his mouth opening and closing,
unable to find any words to refute the demand, and then he abruptly snapped his
mouth shut, narrowing his eyes in a clear challenge at Auron. "Fine," he said
shortly. "You want a show? You got it." At that declaration, Tidus wrapped his
palm firmly around his dick, curling his fingers, and then didn't stroke
himself so much as he fucked his hand, thrusting up into his palm, hips
snapping as he did his level best to put on a show for Auron, his moans loud
and lewd on every upward stroke. His dick was leaking precum everywhere, and he
was panting in between moans, harsh gasps that sent heat spreading throughout
Auron's groin. He kept his gaze on Auron's face the whole time, meeting his eye
steadily, smirking slightly when Auron's eye went half-lidded with lust.
Auron watched the boy fuck himself until he couldn't take it anymore, and with
a growl he lunged forward, straddling the boy again, rocking his hips and
grinding their erections together, leaning down to nip at the boy's abused
nipples.
"Fuck!" Tidus gasped, shuddering at all the differing overwhelming sensations.
"Auron..." He mewled in commingled pain and pleasure as Auron latched his mouth
around a nipple and sucked, even as he kept up the friction further down. "If
you keep going... I'm gonna—oh, fuck..."
Auron lifted his head, looking down into the boy's face, into his unfocused and
fluttering eyes. "Come for me," he demanded to the boy, voice a guttural groan.
He could feel the pounding of the boy's heart against his chest as his orgasm
approached, heard his breaths turn rapid, felt his muscles tense up.
"Auron," the boy moaned again—and then he was coming for the second time that
night, reaching up around Auron's neck to pull him into a kiss, pressing his
dick up against Auron's as hard as he could while his come splashed over their
stomachs, hot and sticky. Auron slowed his thrusts gradually, finally coming to
a halt as Tidus let go of him and relaxed back into the bed again, letting out
a worn out but content sigh.
He sat up, rocking back on his heels, straddling Tidus' thighs, looking down at
the boy as he looked up in return, offering a small, happy smile. "That was
amazing." He seemed to have forgotten that he'd been annoyed with Auron and in
the middle of a challenge of his own making. Clearly Auron had won.
"I'm glad," Auron said dryly. He was still hard, aching with the desire to
come, but he didn't dare let himself—his refractory period would be much longer
the second time, and it would be his last orgasm for the night—he still had
every intention of fucking the boy soon. He leaned forward again, reaching to
grab the jar of vaseline off the nightstand, then bent over the side of the
bed, grabbing a dirty towel he'd dropped to the floor that evening.
Tidus watched him nervously, knowing what those two things meant. He'd been
somewhat ambivalent about getting fucked last time, and even though Auron had
tried to be careful not to hurt him, he'd still cried a bit at the initial
penetration. Though, Auron had been admittedly impatient then, and hadn't spent
as much time preparing him as he should have. He planned to remedy that this
time, because he wanted to be able to pound the boy's ass hard and fast without
having to worry about whether he was hurting him.
He slid off of Tidus, situating himself cross-legged at the end of the bed
facing him, and had the boy turn over on his stomach and spread his legs, the
towel now beneath him. Opening the jar of vaseline, he liberally coated a
couple of his fingers while using his other hand to begin stroking lightly down
the boy's back, over his ass, and along his legs, knowing the motion would be
soothing, wanting Tidus to be calm before he began stretching him.
Tidus snatched up a pillow, crossing his arms under it and burying his face
into it, the tension slowly leaving his body as Auron continued to caress him.
"Are you going to make it hurt?" he asked, his words muffled, but Auron
understood them anyway.
"I'll try not to," he said.
"What if I don't want to do it?"
"Then you shouldn't have kept pushing." He stilled his motions, inwardly
sighing when Tidus immediately tensed again. Still, he didn't let it stop him
from sliding a lube-coated finger down the boy's crack to the tight pucker,
circling it gently, pressing in slightly without actually entering. Tidus
tensed further, pulling away slightly, but he followed the movement and kept up
his motions, never going any further, until the boy had settled again some.
"Feels weird," Tidus mumbled, turning his head sideways to speak better, but he
wasn't trying to pull away any more, which Auron figured was enough consent to
keep going. Had the boy truly wanted him to stop, Auron would have. He pushed
his finger in to the second knuckle slowly, savouring the tightness, wishing it
was enveloping his dick instead, but knowing he had to be patient. Tidus
hitched in a breath, but he didn't complain or ask Auron to quit, so he pulled
his finger almost all the way back, and then pressed in again, starting a
shallow thrusting that soon had the boy gasping out little uneven breaths and
bringing his hands out to clench the pillow.
Eyeing the boy and deciding he was handling it well, he pushed his finger in
all the way, up to the third knuckle, and then crooked it, searching for that
small gland. He knew the moment he had found it—the reaction was immediate.
Tidus jerked his head up with a loud gasp, looking over his shoulder at Auron,
eyes wide in wonderment. Auron glanced at him, and then pressed. The resultant
moan was so loud and dirty-sounding that Auron actually smirked. He continued
to massage the boy's prostate for a bit, revelling in the sounds Tidus made as
he drowned in the pleasure Auron was giving him, body going boneless with
gratification.
When Tidus seemed sufficiently relaxed, he added his second finger, thrusting
them gently in and out of Tidus' hole as the boy whimpered. He wasn't sure if
the noises were meant to be of pain or enjoyment—and perhaps Tidus didn't
really know either. He picked up the pace some, getting somewhat rougher,
watching Tidus' face closely. The boy had squeezed his eyes shut tight, but
otherwise the expression on his face was fairly neutral, giving away nothing.
Feeling his fingers start to catch, he withdrew them and got more vaseline,
greasing three this time. He buried the first two back in Tidus, not wanting to
go too fast and hurt the boy too much, but after another few minutes without
any complaints, he introduced the third.
"No," Tidus groaned immediately, drawing the 'o' out as he screwed his face up.
"It's too much... it burns..."
"It will fade," Auron told him, though he braced himself to stop if Tidus
continued to protest, hoping desperately the boy didn't. He kept his fingers
still for a moment, giving Tidus a chance to adjust to the width, and then he
began to fuck the boy with them, setting a fairly steady pace, ignoring the
whines he was drawing out of Tidus' throat—they were turning him on, but they
were also making feel guilty for taking perverse enjoyment in hurting him, even
if it was minor.
He really shouldn't have let this happen.
"Auron... oh hell..." Tidus kept raising his hips a bit, then letting them fall
back to the bed, the action seemingly involuntary. Auron couldn't tell anymore
if the boy was still in pain or not. Mentally deciding it didn't matter, as
he'd likely be in temporary pain when Auron entered him, he took his fingers
back, then snagged the jar of vaseline again, scooping some more out and
stroking his dick with it, making sure he got plenty on there. He wiped his
hand on the towel, then moved up behind Tidus, his dick in one hand as he got
ready, but Tidus was tense all over again, his muscles rigid, his fists once
more clenching the bedsheets, clearly afraid of what pain there would be. He
sat there a moment, aggravated and not sure how to get the boy to relax. Then
abruptly Auron pulled back, a thought coming to him suddenly.
"Get up," he told the boy.
Tidus sat up, giving him a confused look. "Why?"
"Off the bed. Just for a moment," he added, so the boy wouldn't think he was
just kicking him out.
Tidus did as asked, a dubious look on his face as he watched Auron take his
place, propping the pillows up comfortably as he lay on his back. "Auron?" he
asked, hesitation clear in his voice.
"Come back up," Auron said. He'd figured that letting Tidus being on top and
able to control the initial depth might help him feel more comfortable, and not
be so afraid. It would also probably relax him to be able to see Auron. It
wasn't quite the way he wanted to take the boy, but he could always roll him
back over in a bit.
"How...?"
"Straddle me." He answered patiently, not needing the boy to get petulant at
this point, even though his patience was starting to wear thin. He wanted to be
inside Tidus, pounding into him with abandon, hearing Tidus moan and beg
beneath him.
Tidus gave him a wary look, but he climbed back on the bed and threw his right
leg over Auron's body obediently enough, settling it down beside him. Auron
grabbed his own dick, holding it steady as Tidus managed to line himself up. He
began to lower himself onto it with a deep breath, moving with what felt like
excruciating slowness to Auron. Despite having stretched him with three
fingers, the boy's hole still felt incredibly tight, surrounding his dick with
a magnificent pressure—he had to exert great control to not give in to his
impulse to thrust immediately.
Eventually Tidus was fully seated, breathing heavy, his hands splayed against
Auron's chest, legs folded at the knees on either side of him. He had his eyes
closed, and a few sweaty blond strands of hair had fallen over them. Auron
reached up without thinking, sweeping them behind Tidus' ear, and the boy
opened his eyes, gazing at him, both of them aware of how the mood had changed
suddenly with that simple action—it suddenly felt a whole lot more intimate
between them. Tidus extended his arm out, slowly, and then settled his fingers
lightly on Auron's forehead, just above his right eye, where the scar started.
It was Auron's turn to tense. He'd never let the boy touch his scar before,
usually hiding the most of it behind the dark glasses he'd preferred. Of
course, he didn't sleep with the glasses on, and he'd been aware Tidus would
see his eye when he'd turned the light on, but it wasn't as if it would be the
first time Tidus had actually seen it—he just hadn't thought the boy would try
to touch it.
Tidus slowly skimmed his fingers down the length of the scar, his touch barely
there, but the weight of it heavy to Auron just the same. Auron held very still
while the boy passed over his ruined eye, lingering on the destruction there.
"Did it hurt a lot?" Tidus asked him, his voice a murmur.
"Yes," Auron told him truthfully, the word coming out hoarse as he recalled the
moment Yunalesca's blow had struck him down. It had been the worst pain
imaginable, matched only by the pain of his grief over losing both Braska and
Jecht only a scant few hours before. It was surprising he hadn't been killed
instantly, that he'd been able to survive long enough to make it back to the
outskirts of Bevelle.
"I'm sorry," Tidus said softly, and there was genuine sorrow and empathy in his
tone that helped to soothe the old pain, just a little.
"It was a long time ago," Auron said, dismissing the subject. He didn't want to
have to think about it anymore again tonight, the dreams of earlier more than
enough.
Tidus looked at him again, finally dropping his hand, and then he leaned
forward, pressing a quick, gentle kiss to Auron's damaged eye. Auron shuddered,
both from the unexpected intimacy and from the stimulation Tidus' shifting had
brought to his dick. Before he could think about thrusting, Tidus began to roll
his hips, rocking himself slow and steady on Auron's length, making Auron groan
and grab the boy's hips, following the movements but not yet guiding him. He
was surprised Tidus was actually taking the lead, but perhaps being on top had
made him even more comfortable than Auron had thought, or maybe the increased
intimacy had encouraged him somehow. Whatever the case, Auron sure wasn't
protesting.
Tidus continued to fuck himself on Auron's dick while Auron pulled him down
into an intense kiss, nibbling on his lower lip. Tidus groaned and then pulled
away, tilting his head, presenting his neck. Auron obliged, sucking hard on the
sensitive skin, giving him a mark to match the one he'd made earlier on the
opposite side. He pulled away from the boy, admiring both of the dark marks,
feeling satisfied he'd thoroughly claimed the boy. In response, Tidus sat back
up, using Auron's chest again for support as he picked up the pace a bit,
occasionally scraping his nails over Auron's nipples hard enough to draw blood.
Auron growled, finding that even though it was enjoyable, it wasn't enough—the
build-up was too slow, it wasn't enough friction, he needed more... He dug his
nails into the boy's hips and thrust up hard into Tidus, catching him by
surprise.
"Oh fuck," the boy gasped, his eyes shuttering briefly, his fingers curling
into Auron's chest. "Do that again."
Auron did, slamming another powerful thrust into him, making the boy curse
again and start to fuck himself on Auron even faster. Auron continued to meet
him, matching the boy's rhythm, the bed shaking slightly from the force of
their thrusting. He could feel the tension building fast now, heat pooling in
his groin, the familiar prickling spreading along his nerves. On top of him,
Tidus was achingly hard, precum dripping steadily out of his slit to pool on
Auron's stomach below, and the sight of it only spurred him on. Abandoning the
idea of flipping the boy, he decided he wanted them both to come just like
this—he wanted to watch Tidus' face when he came.
"Feels... so good," Tidus grunted, lifting himself up and then pounding back
down frantically. Auron was starting to lose his rhythm, his hips jerking
erratically as his orgasm got nearer.
"Touch yourself," he commanded the boy again, and this time Tidus didn't argue
with him, just moved a hand off of Auron's chest and down to grasp his length,
closing his fingers around it, tugging unevenly at it, thumbing the slit with
every upstroke. He tossed his head back and squeezed his eyes shut, moaning
constantly. Auron watched him with an eye half-lidded, loving the view, feeling
harder than he'd ever been in his life, so incredibly turned on by the sight of
his fifteen year old charge fucking himself so wantonly on his guardian's dick.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck," Tidus babbled, sliding his hand along faster, pumping
himself frantically, "I'm gonna—gonna come, oh fuck—"
Auron rammed into him just as Tidus hit his orgasm, come immediately spattering
hot across Auron's stomach and chest. The feel and sight of the boy was too
much—was just enough to send him tipping over the edge. His own orgasm slammed
into him, and he was shoving himself into Tidus, holding there as he shot his
load up into the boy with a groan, his fingernails digging tightly enough into
the boy's skin to leave little red crescents, until his balls felt drained and
he was able to relax back into the bed again.
They both remained there for some time, coming down from the high of their
orgasms, too worn out to move, letting their breathing slow and their
heartbeats return to normal. After awhile Tidus flung out a hand, groping
around on the bed behind him for the towel Auron had shoved aside when they'd
switched places, eventually finding it and pulling it around in front of him.
He wiped Auron down, and then slowly lifted himself off Auron's now soft dick,
letting out a small groan as the head came out of him with a small pop. He used
the towel to clean himself, and then collapsed beside Auron with a grunt,
clearly not going anywhere. Auron somehow found the strength to shift over and
make a bit more room for him, turning onto his side, and Tidus curled into his
back. He reached over and turned the light off, plunging the room back into
darkness.
"Night, Auron," Tidus mumbled, already half-asleep.
"Good night, Tidus," he replied softly, and closed his eyes. He knew he would
regret this in the morning, but for now he would simply sleep.
                                     * * *
Auron woke late the next morning with Tidus' morning wood digging awkwardly
into his back. He was annoyed with himself that his first thought was to roll
over and take care of it for the boy.
Why had he let it happen, again? Every time he got near enough to the boy it
was as if his brain decided to quit working, and his dick took over instead.
Even now, he was tempted to just forget all the reasons why a relationship of
any kind was a bad idea, and let himself just go with it. So what if the boy
wound up hating him when he finally learned the truth? He was going to hate
Auron either way, because the only way to keep this from happening ever again
was to leave. At this point he didn't know which betrayal would be worse to the
boy.
He didn't know what to do anymore. He'd promised Jecht to watch over the boy,
and to bring him to Spira when the time came, so that they could hopefully find
a way to end the cycle for good. Somehow he didn't think Auron fucking Tidus
had been in Jecht's plan... He didn't want to know what Jecht would think if he
ever found out. And he dreaded Tidus' reaction if he ever learned that Auron
and his father had been together. He'd been screwed from the first moment he
didn't push Tidus away, and let things happen.
Maybe it was time to move out. Tidus would be sixteen in just a couple of
months, he was old enough to look after himself, and it wasn't as if Auron
would completely abandon him. He could still watch over the boy, it would just
be from a bit more of a distance. It would give him a chance to think things
over, to get his head on straight and decide the best course of action, to find
some way to salvage everything so that Tidus didn't wind up hating him for the
rest of his life, however long that was. He knew Tidus would be upset over him
moving out, but once he saw that Auron would still be around, he'd get over it.
Tidus had never been able to stay mad at people for long.
He slipped out of the bed carefully, doing his best not to wake the boy. He
stole over to his dresser, grabbing some clothes before heading to the bathroom
for a shower. When he got out ten minutes later, he felt firm that his decision
to move out would be the best thing for now. He hated that he would have to
hurt Tidus in the process, hated having to cause Tidus any sort of pain, but
Tidus needed the time apart to get over him as much as Auron needed to just get
away. He dreaded telling the boy, though—it wouldn't be easy.
For a brief moment he entertained the thought of just leaving now, while Tidus
was still asleep in his bed, avoiding a scene entirely, but he knew he could
never do that to the boy. Moving out would be hard enough on him, he at least
owed Tidus an explanation first—the boy deserved that much.
Sighing, he examined himself in the mirror over the bathroom sink, wondering
just what Tidus saw in him anyways. Time had calmed his hot-headedness, and
these days he was gruff and reserved around the boy, rarely speaking unless he
felt it necessary, and refused to tell Tidus anything about his old man no
matter how often he'd asked. Death was aging him a bit prematurely, a few
flecks of grey already showing in his short hair even though he was only
thirty-three. He had an eye that was marred by an ugly scar, and a few wrinkle
lines were starting to show up on his forehead. He usually had a face full of
scruff, rarely bothering with shaving—it wasn't as if he had anyone to impress.
Did the boy really look at him with a sense of attraction? He couldn't fathom
it.
Not wanting to make sense of it anymore, he threw his clothes on and headed
back into his bedroom. Tidus was awake, sitting up in the bed, his hair mussed,
his eyes bleary. The dark marks on his neck were prominent, as were the red
teeth marks around his nipples, and his lower lip was slightly swollen, with a
bit of discolouration to it. Auron felt both possessive and guilty when he
looked at the damage he'd wrought on the boy.
"Are you mad?" Tidus mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
Auron let out a heavy sigh at the boy's question, feeling incredibly weary all
of a sudden. "No," he said truthfully. "But I don't want it to happen again."
"No surprise there," Tidus said, still mumbling. Auron watched him as he
stretched, trying to wake up, still admiring the boy, even now. He had planned
to tell the boy a little bit later, after Tidus had showered and eaten perhaps,
but now—he couldn't. He couldn't pretend everything was normal when nothing was
anymore.
"I'm moving out," he announced suddenly.
Tidus froze in the act of getting out of bed, one leg dangling awkwardly over
the side. "Moving out?" he asked, voice high pitched and cracking on the words.
"It's better this way."
"For who?" Tidus cried, swinging his leg back up onto the bed and swivelling
around to face Auron. "For you? Because it sure isn't better for me!"
Auron scrubbed a hand over his face, already hating this whole conversation.
There was distress on Tidus' face, and in his voice, and it was breaking him
apart to have to do this to the boy. It made him that much more tempted to just
give in, to have whatever sort of relationship Tidus wanted, and damn the
consequences for now—they could always be dealt with later. But now matter how
much he told himself that, he couldn't bring himself to, regardless of how much
easier it would make things now. "I know it seems that way," he told the boy.
Tidus laughed, the sound bitter and dark. "It is that way, you arrogant jerk.
Don't presume to tell me what I feel and don't feel."
"That is not my intention—"
"Then stop doing it! We've been together twice now! I don't care how old I am,
or that you're my guardian, or whatever other excuse you want to throw at me!
I'm old enough to know what I want, and I want you!"
"There are things you don't know—" Auron tried, knowing it was a risky tactic,
knowing it was inviting questions, but not knowing what else to say.
"Yeah, because you won't tell me!" Tidus shot back. "And don't even bother to
try now, I don't want to know anymore. Just stop fighting me on this."
"I'm moving out," Auron repeated. He felt helpless. There was nothing he could
say to make things right, to hurt Tidus any less, but he ached to try and find
the right words anyway.
Tidus was silent for a moment, looking down at the bed, and the rumpled covers
beneath him. He curled a fist into them, fingers clenching around the blanket
tightly. "I don't want you to go," he finally said, his voice low. Auron knew
the tears wouldn't be long in coming.
"I have to."
"No you don't." And there they were. A few tears slid down the boy's cheeks,
dripping on to the bed below. Fuck. Auron wasn't sure he could feel any worse.
"Tidus..."
"Please don't go." The boy had abandoned all anger, and was looking up at him,
eyes brimming, the pain and desperation in them clear. "I need you here, Auron,
I don't want you to leave, please don't go." He was begging, and it tore at
Auron's heart. Why had he ever let this happen? Why hadn't he just been
stronger from the start, why couldn't he have just managed to control himself?
"I'm sorry." And he was, though the words were inadequate to convey just how
much regret and guilt and hatred for himself that he currently felt. "I'll let
you know when I find a place."
Tidus didn't answer, just huddled over on the bed, sobs ripping out of him, the
noise piercing through Auron, making him close his eye at the pain, his own
emotions feeling a bit ragged in the face of Tidus' obvious grief. He turned
around and left the bedroom, needing to get away, not able to bear it anymore,
but even when he was in the kitchen, Tidus' strangled cries still reached him.
He took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of his emotions, trying to not let
it get to him, but he knew he would carry that sound with him for a long time
to come.
Chapter End Notes
     chapter updated 04 April 2017
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