Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7542979.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      The_Fosters_(TV_2013)
  Relationship:
      Jude_Jacob/Connor_Stevens
  Character:
      Jude_Jacob, Connor_Stevens, Lena_Adams, Stef_Foster, Original_Female
      Character(s), Original_Male_Character(s), Mariana_Foster, Jesus_Foster,
      Brandon_Foster, Callie_Jacob, Donald_Jacob, Adam_Stevens, Connor_Stevens'
      Mother
  Additional Tags:
      Romance, Emotional_Hurt/Comfort, Fluff_and_Angst, First_Kiss, First_Love,
      Loss_of_Virginity, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Rimming, Light_BDSM, Family
      Secrets, Secrets, High_School, Alternate_Universe_-_Canon_Divergence,
      Slow_Build
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-07-21 Updated: 2016-08-10 Chapters: 4/? Words: 8593
****** Hide Away ******
by black_oak
Summary
     Jude has spent the last 9 years hiding behind his carefully crafted
     walls. But, when Connor Stevens arrives on the Adams Foster doorstep
     one morning Jude’s entire world (and his walls) begin to crumble.
     Unfortunately, Jude’s heart isn’t the only thing exposed in the
     ruins- so are his secrets.
Notes
     A/N: Hello Everyone! This is my very first Jonner fic so please be
     kind! The story takes place in an alternate universe therefore there
     is some divergence from canon and the characters may be out of
     character at times. But, hopefully not too much. My current plan is
     to update this story once a week, on Wednesdays. I hope you like it!
***** Eclipse *****
Jude POV
I was seventeen when I saw my first eclipse.
It was a warm, summer night.
The last summer night before senior year.
I remember waking up drenched in sweat.
It was so hot I couldn’t tell if my perspiration was due to the heat or the
nightmare that had left my throat raw.
Thankfully, Brandon’s room (it never felt right calling it my own) was
soundproof. My siblings had long since moved out but I still worried about
interrupting Moms’ sleep.
Which is probably why I looked so guilty when I spotted Lena in the kitchen at
11:43pm with a glass of water in her outstretched hand.
“I’m so sorry,” I rasped, wincing from the pain. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t,” she replied, brows furrowing in confusion. “Stef is working late
and I couldn’t sleep without her. When I heard footsteps from upstairs I
figured you’d want a glass too. Drink this honey,” she said, pushing the cup
into my hands.
I drank it all in one gulp.
The water didn’t soothe the pain completely but it helped. When I was finished,
she refilled my glass and then led me outside to “our spot.” With Brandon,
Mari, and Jesus all gone there was a lot more space and money to go around.
Last summer, Moms had made some renovations including a new backyard complete
with landscaping and a pool. But, the best part was the beach canopy in the far
left corner. Mama and I were known to lounge under the canopy for hours at a
time and it quickly became “our spot.”
That night was no different. We relaxed into our lounge chairs and made light
conversation into the early morning.
Mama didn’t ask why I woke up screaming (I’d never tell) and I didn’t ask if
she was worried about Mom (We both were).
At around 1am, we figured we should call it a night.
We spent two more hours under the canopy.
It wasn’t until 3:04am, when we heard a familiar car alarm, that we made our
way inside. As soon as Mom walked through the front door we knew something was
wrong.
She looked exhausted. Not just physically, but emotionally as well.
“Stef?” Mama said, cautiously.
“Hi, baby.”
With a heavy sigh, Mom stepped inside and revealed the boy trailing behind her.
Connor Stevens.
I sucked in a deep breath.
He was skinnier than I’d ever seen him. His golden skin was covered in dirt.
Dried blood caked his sweater and he smelled like rotten fish. But, worst of
all, was the way he limped inside the house.
He limped as though he was used to it.
As though it was permanent.
“Connor!” Mama shrieked in surprise. She was at his side in an instant. “Come
sit down, honey.”
Frozen, I watched in mild horror as she led him to the nearest couch.
Connor and I weren’t friends- he was a god and I was a mortal- but I had always
been hyper aware of his presence. He was everything I could never be.
Beautiful. Popular. Athletic. Happy. Worthy.
It was painful to see him so broken.
To see him look so much like me.
I must have whimpered because before I knew what was happening Mom had embraced
me in her arms.
“Jude sweetie, why don’t know you go back to bed? Mama and I will take care of
this and we’ll talk in the morning.”
At the mention of my name, Connor’s head snapped up. His hazel eyes widened for
a fraction of a second before dulling completely.
And that’s when I saw it.
My first eclipse.
That was the moment I witnessed darkness swallow the sun.
***** The Magician *****
Chapter Notes
     Happy Wednesday! Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, bookmarked or
     left a kudos for chapter one! I am awed by all the support this story
     has received so far. I appreciate the warm welcome into the Jonnor
     fandom.
Jude POV
I woke up with my face in a book and a crick in my neck. Even after returning
upstairs, I couldn’t stop seeing the light leave Connor’s eyes. It reminded me
of…After the second panic attack, I finally gave up on the idea of rest.
Instead, I chose a different method of escape. I must have dozed off somewhere
in Winterfell.
Groaning, I rose from the desk and stretched out my stiff muscles. School was
going to be hell. I was sore, exhausted, and not in the mood to socialize.
The knock came later than I expected.
Anxiety coiled in my stomach like a snake. Its poison already affecting my
system, I opened the door with trembling hands.
Moms looked even worse than I did.
They took the bed- we all knew it was clean- so I reclaimed the desk.
“You probably have a lot of questions,” Mom began. (Understatement.) “We’ll do
our best to answer them. There are some things you need to know. But, we also
have to respect Connor’s privacy.”
“I understand.”
I did. Some secrets were meant to be kept.
“Connor’s had a pretty rough summer.” (Bigger understatement.) “His parents
kicked him out and he’s been living on the streets for the last two months.”
I blinked.
Repeatedly.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I replied, slowly. “Connor’s parents love him.
And even if they kicked him out, he would have stayed with a friend. He has
hundreds.”
Moms looked at each other and did that thing where they engage in complex
conversations with their eyes. Decision made, they faced me as a unit.
“Connor is gay,” Mom said, carefully. “He told us he doesn’t want to hide
anymore but please don’t go broadcasting that information. His parents found
out. So did the baseball team. Let’s just say they haven’t been very
supportive.” (Seriously?)
It was a lot to take in.
And it still didn’t make sense. For as long as I could remember, people
worshipped the ground Connor walked on. The school held pep rallies and parades
in his honor. He had a sandwich named after him at the local deli. He led the
baseball team to nationals last year. So what if he was gay? There HAD to be
more to the story. Because if there wasn’t…if that’s all it took for everyone
to turn against him…then humanity had no hope for redemption. And if there was
no hope for redemption…what the fuck was I still doing here?
“Jude?”
I turned towards her voice.
“Where’d you go?” Mama asked, softly.
My eyes widened in surprise. It was starting again. The Memorial. The
nightmares, screaming, and lapses in awareness- they all led to the same thing.
To the same blue door…
“Jude, are you alright?” Mom asked, moving beside me.
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head to clear it. “It’s just a lot to take in. I’ve
been in this family so long I forgot that being gay was still a big deal for
some people.”
Smiling softly, Mom ran her fingers through my hair.
Black magic. I didn’t like using it but I had no choice. They couldn’t know
about The Memorial. Mama rose from the bed and joined us by the desk.
“What else do you want to know, sweetie?”
Everything. But, there was only one thing that came to mind.
“Did they…his leg…did they do that?”
“No honey,” Mom replied, hugging me tightly. “He was assaulted but not by his
parents or anyone on the baseball team. It wasn’t even because he’s gay. If
Connor wants to tell you about it, he will.”
I nodded. I doubted Connor planned on opening up to some loser he barely knew
but it was enough knowing his family didn’t hurt him. Not physically, anyway.
“Is it…?”
“Permanent?” Mama finished. I nodded again. “It looks that way. The people that
assaulted him broke his leg. Because of the strain of the last few months, the
bone didn’t heal properly.” She paused to wipe some tears from her eyes. “He’ll
never be able to play baseball again. Not the way he used to.”
I could feel my own tears threatening to fall.
“I know it’s hard to hear,” Mom said, rubbing circles into my back. “It’s hard
for us too. Connor has been through so much. What he needs more than anything
right now is love, support, and shelter. We want to offer him those things- but
only if it’s okay with you.”
My heart skipped a beat. Were they really asking-
“Connor’s eighteen,” Mama added, “so this isn’t about adoption. This is about
providing Conner with a safe place to heal, finish high school, and pick up the
pieces of his life. But, there are plenty of other places where he can do that.
If you don’t want to share the house or our attention now that you finally have
it to yourself, that’s okay honey. That doesn’t make you selfish. You are our
son so as much as we want to help Connor- your needs come first.”
I was stunned. They were asking for my blessing. The same way they had asked
Mari, Brandon, and Jesus if I could stay with them seven years ago. I hadn’t
realized how deeply I had permeated the family.
It was more than I deserved.
The snake in my stomach became an anaconda.
“Of course he can stay here,” I replied, evenly. “If anyone can show him the
beauty and normalcy of being gay- it’s you two.”
Crying, they held me in their arms.
I learned black magic when I was nine. From a magician whose name I can’t
remember. After our foster dad was done using him, he’d come into our room and
apply ointment to my bruises.
“You can’t ever tell anyone,” he’d whisper, sternly. “Not the social worker or
the teachers at school. Because if you do, they’ll take us away. At least here,
we get food.”
“They’ll notice!” I’d cry, snot dripping down my nose. “They’ll notice how much
pain I’m in!”
“Not if you use black magic, remember? Misdirect their attention. Do you
remember how?”
“Focus on them?”
“Exactly, Jude. If someone says “how are you?” ask them about their day. If
someone looks concerned, tell them how much they mean to you. How kind and good
they are. Make them think about themselves. Then, like magic, they’ll forget
they were ever worried. It’s like holding up a mirror. Reflect all their
attention, their concern, and their questions back on to them. If you master
black magic, you’ll be able to hide your pain forever.”
It worked.
It always worked.
But, not on Moms. Not in the beginning. Stef was used to diversion tactics and
Lena was so incredibly patient. No one had ever come closer to shattering my
mirror. They were too conscientious to stay focused on themselves for long and
their love was like a tidal wave slowly wearing me down. After six emotional
months, I finally accepted I’d never be able to convince them I was fine. They
knew I was hurting they just didn’t know where. So I showed them the cuts on my
arms. The scars on my feet. I misdirected their attention away from the gaping
hole in my chest and let them Band-Aid the scrapes on my knees. It was called
black magic for a reason. Only the darkest souls used compassion as leverage.
Once I gained their trust, even simple black magic worked because they
genuinely believed I was coping. I’d always have issues but they trusted me to
tell them if things became too much.
“You’re a good kid,” Mom said, kissing my cheek.
I tried not to vomit.
“We love you so much honey. I’m sure Connor will appreciate this opportunity.”
When everything had settled down, Mama groaned dramatically.
“I don’t wanna go to school.”
“Isn’t that my line?” I chuckled.
“You’re not the vice-principal. You get to stay home today.”
My eyebrows must have receded into my hairline because Moms laughed.
“We had a long night. Morning. Whatever,” Mom said. “We already decided we
would let you stay home if you wanted.”
“Just for today,” Mama added in her principal voice.
I saw the eclipse.
“No, it’s okay,” I replied. “I wanna go. Can’t have the vice-principal’s son
getting senioritis already, now can we?”
“Whatever you say bud. Love you.”
“Love you too Moms.”
I broke as soon as the door closed.
Showering helped. So did Mariana’s phone call. She didn’t know about Connor or
the Memorial but she knew how much I loathed the first day of school; everyone
asked too many personal questions and wanted to know what you did over the
summer. Just listening to her voice calmed my nerves. I missed her but she was
happy studying design in New York. It wasn’t until the call ended that I
realized she tricked me into answering all the traditional back to school
questions. Now I knew what to say.
Smiling, I got dressed in skinny jeans, a plain white tee, and my Decepticon
hoodie. I slipped on my glasses and Converse then ran downstairs for a quick
breakfast. I didn’t see Connor. He must have been sleeping in one of the rooms.
Probably, my old one. Thinking about him made me wonder what it’d be like at
school today. How would the masses function without their god?
The answer, apparently, was not very well. It was obvious from the moment I
walked in that all anyone could talk about was Connor. Or more specifically,
the lack of Connor. Sure, there were gay rumors swirling around but the
majority of people were more concerned with whether or not he was coming back
at all. His fangirls looked distraught. The popular kids looked like sheep
without a shepherd. Mr. Warner, the baseball coach, looked terminally ill and
the baseball team looked…well they looked unhinged. Some seemed angry. Others
ashamed or fidgety. But, the majority just looked sad.
There had to be more to the story.
At least no one seemed interested in what anyone else did over the summer.
“JUDE!” Kimi yelled from across the hall.
I spoke too soon.
I tried to hide behind my locker. It’s not that I didn’t like Kimi- I did. I
hadn’t liked anyone as much since Taylor moved away in the 9th grade. But, Kimi
was inquisitive and observant even though she pretended not to be. My walls
didn’t feel strong enough to fend her off today.
“JUDE!” she screamed, pulling me into a hug. “I missed you!”
“Hi Kimi. How was-”
“Holy shit!” she said, after getting a good look at my face. “You look like a
vampire. And not the sexy kind. What happened?”
“New video game,” I lied. “Didn’t go to sleep when I should have.”
She didn’t look convinced.
“I like your hair,” I said, reaching out to touch her galaxy colored locks. “Is
this how all the cool girls look in Korea?”
“Puh-lease,” she replied, rolling her eyes. “The cool girls in Korea are all
either filthy rich, genetically modified, a robot, or some combination of the
three. At least my hair is real. Well not the color but you know what I mean.”
I laughed.
“So did you not like your trip?”
“Are you kidding me? Korea is fucking awesome,” she said, linking our arms so
we could walk to class. “It was cool meeting some of my family for the first
time. But, my grams. OMG. She’s so intense. She called me obese.”
“Well I didn’t want to say anything but…”
“Shut up!” Kimi laughed. “I’m skinnier than you.”
We both smiled.
“So what about you, Jude? How was your summer?”
Quiet.
Lonely.
“It was good. We went camping and I got to see Brandon in his professional
debut. How’s your mom doing?”
“Better,” Kimi answered. “The cancer’s almost gone. She-”
Jackson Fuller nearly crashed into us as Trey Johnson slammed him against the
lockers. My eyes widened in surprise. Trey was one of the nicer jocks. I had
never seen the dark-skinned boy lift a finger to anyone. Until now.
“This is your fault!” Trey growled. “He better fucking be okay Fuller! If he
doesn’t come back-”
“HOW IS THIS MY FAULT!” Jackson screamed. A crowd was starting to form. “Did I
make that fag sleep with-”
Trey hit him.
Hard.
“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” a familiar voice demanded.
The sea of kids parted to reveal Mama in all her vice-principal glory.
“Trey,” she said, equally surprised to find him fighting. “What happened?”
“I hit Jackson,” he replied, angrily. “And as soon as he quits bitchin’ about
it, I’m gonna do it again.”
“Fuck you!” Jackson snarled, trying to rise to his feet.
“Ok, enough!” Mama yelled. “Both of you. In my office. Now.”
After giving me a quick look over, she dragged the two boys away. The crowd
disappeared along with them.
“What the hell?” I asked out loud. Ever since yesterday, I felt like I was in
the twilight zone.
“Well I guess Connor really is gay,” Kimi mused. “I should have known. He’s way
too hot to be straight.”
“What does being hot have to do with anything?” I snapped.
Kimi looked me up and down.
“I-I’m not-”
“Whatever you say Jude. Everyone else may think you’re asexual but I see the
way you look at Connor.”
Panic clawed at my chest. How could she know? I hid it so well. What else did
she know?
“Kimi, no. I’m not hot and I d-don’t like-”
“Hey, it’s okay,” she said, sensing my panic. “I’m only teasing Jude. Sorry.
Didn’t mean to make you upset.”
I took a deep breath.
“Let’s just go to class, okay?”
I nodded.
Smiling, Kimi linked our arms again.
“But just so we’re clear,” she said, suddenly serious, “you are too fucking hot
to be straight Jude Adams Foster.”
Despite the crazy morning, it was actually a fairly normal first day of school.
The teachers pretended their class would be easy, we played stupid “getting to
know you” games, and everyone caught up on each other’s summer adventures.
Based on roll call, Connor and I had Math and English together. Not that it
mattered. I didn’t expect us to suddenly become friends just because he was
crashing at my house. Even when he wasn’t there, he was still the center of
attention at school. For the most part, people seemed more surprised than
anything at the possibility of him being gay. I overheard a lot of
conversations that seemed supportive. But, I also overheard some nasty, hateful
comments.
What I didn’t understand was why it was such a big deal. We lived in Southern
California. There were at least a dozen openly gay kids at school and none of
them garnered this much attention. Why was Connor held to a different standard?
By 5th period, I was over it.
Everything. The day. The rumors. All of it.
I just wanted to go home and sleep. Thankfully, as a senior I only had 5
classes. And because Jesus left me his old car I didn’t have to wait for Mama
to get off work anymore. I was out of my seat before the dismissal bell even
finished ringing.
The drive home was difficult. My eyes felt heavy and I kept having to readjust
my glasses. I nearly cried when I finally pulled into the driveway. ‘Please,’ I
begged the demons inside my head. ‘Please just let me sleep for a little
while.’
I should have known better.
Since when did anyone hear my prayers?
I opened the door to find Connor limping down the stairs. He had showered. He
was wearing some of Jesus’s old clothes and it looked like Mom had taken him to
get a haircut. But, that wasn’t what kept me awake for the next five hours. No,
it was the way his hazel eyes looked against his new, raven black hair.
***** Stars *****
Chapter Notes
     Hiya there! As always, thanks for the amazing support you've shown
     this fic! I needed to finish setting up the plot but soon the boys
     will be getting a lot closer. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter.
Connor POV
I woke up with tears in my eyes. My body understood long before my mind did
that it was safe. Warm. Rested. I’m not sure how long I laid there tangled in
the sheets, but when I finally made my way to the bathroom I could still feel
the cotton against my skin.
I looked like shit.
I had lost some of my muscle definition. There were bags under my eyes. My skin
was cracked and peeling. My stubble was growing back and I needed a haircut. I
smelled like shit too.
An image of Jude’s horrified expression flashed through my mind. I was so out
of it earlier I hadn’t realized he was there until Stef called his name. I
almost wish I hadn’t looked up. I never wanted anyone to see me like that but
especially not him. Jude was…special.
He was shy. And gorgeous. And so fucking GOOD. He never talked bad about
anyone. He opened doors and picked up trash. I even saw him put a baby bird
back into its nest once. We weren’t friends but sometimes I caught him staring
at me. In that way. That way that made me dream of a universe where he could be
mine.
Sometimes, if I was having trouble finishing inside of a girl, I’d imagine it
was Jude moaning beneath me. I’d imagine Jude, with his pale skin and full
lips, looking up at me. In that way. And when I’d cry at home afterwards,
suffocating from within my closet, I’d imagine Jude was there too. Caring for
me as gently as he did that bird.
But, it was time to wake up. Jude would never look at me in that way again.
Now, his autumn eyes would always fill with fear and pity.
So much fucking pity.
That was the worst part about being crippled. The way people disabled you.
Sighing, I tried to get it together. I had more important things to focus on.
Like finding Eli. If anything happened to him, I would never forgive myself.
Stef said they’d look into it- and I trusted her- but I knew from experience
that no one gave a damn about some homeless kid that went missing. I was
grateful for her hospitality but I needed to get back on the streets to
continue searching.
But, shower first. Then, search party.
The water felt orgasmic. I stayed under the spray until my skin pruned. Why had
I never appreciated showers before? Oh, right. Because we don’t appreciate
luxuries until we lose necessities. If it weren’t for Eli, I might never have
come out. When I finally did, there was a razor, toothbrush, and dry clothes
waiting on top of the sink for me. For a second, I worried if maybe Stef saw me
naked but then I remembered. Right. Lesbians.
Once I was dressed, I felt human again for the first time in months. I would
never be able to thank the Adams Foster’s enough for their kindness. Especially
if they kept compounding it.
“Seriously?” I laughed, once I was in the kitchen. “Pancakes?”
Chuckling, Stef ushered me to take a seat. She eyed my limp but didn’t comment
on it. I was grateful.
“Jude likes pancakes,” she explained. “We always have some lying around.”
Jude likes pancakes. I tried not to store the information away like some
obsessive fanboy but it was too late. Not surprisingly, the pancakes were
delicious. Then again, when your last meal was spaghetti out of a dumpster
everything tasted like rainbows.
Stef watched me eat. It was a little unnerving. And a little embarrassing. I
ate all ten pancakes. Free food was free food and pride was for the fortunate.
When I was finished, she stared at me in a way so reminiscent of my mother it
made my chest ache.
“How are you feeling, sweetie?”
“I don’t know how to answer that,” I replied honestly. “It depends on the
moment? Right now, I feel pretty good. In five seconds, I might feel angry
enough to kill someone. In two minutes, I might cry and never stop.”
“Well you look better,” she said. “I was worried the blood on your sweater was
yours but you don’t seem injured.”
“It wasn’t blood,” I replied, quietly. “It was spaghetti sauce.”
“I’m glad.”
We sat in uncomfortable silence until Stef cleared her throat awkwardly.
“So, I wanted to talk to you.”
“Did you find Eli?”
“No honey. But, Mike is looking into it and so will I when I return to work
tomorrow.”
I deflated. She reached out to hold my hand.
“He means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”
“I can’t talk about everything,” I replied, blinking back tears. “Not yet. But,
it’s horrible. Living like that. It wasn’t so bad at first when I was at the
hotel but-”
“You were able to get a hotel?”
Rage coursed through my veins.
“Mom paid for a two-week hotel stay as some kind of abandonment gift. She
picked me up from the hospital and then dropped me off at the hotel. She told
me Dad was kicking me out. Gave me a duffle bag full of clothes, two hundred
bucks, my prescription pain meds, and a messed up apology. I think she thought
I’d be okay. That I’d be able to stay with friends. But, none of them answered
my calls and then that fucker turned off my cell phone. He wouldn’t even let me
keep my car so I could live in it. Said he paid for it, so technically it was
his.”
Stef squeezed my hand. I couldn’t tell if it was out of sympathy or controlled
anger.
“Anyway, after the two weeks were up things got bad. I still couldn’t move
around much because of my broken leg and I had blown threw half the money on
takeout during the week. I…some things happened. I got beat up. Stolen from. I
trusted some people I shouldn’t have. I wanted to die.”
I had to pause to breathe through the emotions that were coming back. The fear.
The shame of those first few weeks. The loneliness. The desperation.
“And then you met Eli?” she guessed.
“And then I met Eli. He’s only 15 but he’s been on the streets since he was 7.
I don’t know what he saw in me but he helped me. I think he was just lonely. He
taught me how to be street smart. He shared his meals, watched my back, and
paid all my squatting fees.”
Her eyebrow arched.
“You don’t want to know.”
“He sounds like a special boy,” she said. “But Connor it’s only been three
days. Why do you think Eli is missing?”
“Because it’s been three days!” I shouted. “He would have been back by now! Or
at the very least, he would have sent me a message. There’s a grapevine. Word
gets around. But, I haven’t seen or heard from him in three days. That’s not
like Eli. I know everyone thinks street kids just run away or disappear for
days at a time by choice but that’s not true. Something happened to him. I know
it.”
“Okay honey, calm down,” Stef said, gently. “I have to ask these things. It’s
part of my job. Do you know anyone who’d want to hurt Eli?”
“We’re ghosts,” I replied. “People hurt us all the time because they can.
Because no one cares.”
I could tell Stef didn’t like the way I was grouping myself with “them” but I
was. One of them. I had lost everything. My family. My possessions. My friends.
My perfect body. My baseball career. My future. If that didn’t make me a ghost,
I don’t know what did.
“Can you think of anyone in specific?” she asked. “Any little detail might
help.”
I glanced away nervously.
“Connor?”
“There’s this rumor,” I sighed, already feeling sick. “I don’t know if it’s
true but some of the kids have been talking. They think there might be someone
killing young boys. Boys that wouldn’t make the news cycle if they went
missing.”
Stef tensed.
“You mean like a serial killer?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Boys have gone missing. And then they reappear a few
weeks later dead. People die on the streets all the time but this feels
different. Everyone seems on edge. And now Eli…”
“I’ll search for him,” she promised. “Don’t worry. I believe you.”
I let out a shaky sigh of relief. That’s all I wanted. Running into Stef at the
police station last night had just been an added bonus.
“Thank you so much,” I replied, earnestly. “For everything. I’ll let you know
if I find out anything else. I want to track down his last client and find out
if he-”
“Woah, hang on a sec,” Stef interrupted, raising her hand. “Do you really think
we’re going to let you continue being homeless?”
My brows furrowed.
“What do you mean?”
“Connor, we want you to stay with us.”
I had to close my eyes to keep from crying. It sounded like a dream.
“But, Eli…”
“I’ll look for him. We already filed a missing person’s report. Besides, if
there really is a serial killer out there that’s even more reason for you to
stay off the streets.”
I pressed my palms to my eyes. I felt so conflicted. I wanted to stay. To wash
away the last three months and pretend they never happened. But, I also knew I
could never go back. I could never be the Connor Stevens I was before.
“Connor,” Stef said, removing my hands from my face. “Let us help you,
sweetheart. Eli wouldn’t want you trying to survive on your own out there. Stay
here. Finish high school. Get back on your feet. I promise to keep you updated
on Eli’s case every step of the way.”
I wanted to. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But, it felt wrong
to receive such a blessing while Eli was suffering in hell. Yet, I knew that’s
what he would want. The last thing he told me before he left for work was “stop
pretending to be a star.” That’s what he called people like him; children of
the night that could only shine in darkness.
“You don’t have to decide now,” Stef said, giving my hands another squeeze.
“Just know that you have options. And support. Lena and I- and even Jude- are
all here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“I’ll stay,” I whispered, through my tears. “But, you have to promise to look
for Eli! You have to-”
“I promise,” Stef swore. “I will do everything in my power to find your
friend.”
With that settled, all the energy drained from my body. I was emotionally
exhausted. Sensing this, Stef pulled me to my feet.
“Sleep,” she ordered. “When you wake up from your nap we’ll go do some light
shopping and maybe even do something about that hair.”
“M’gonna pay you back someday,” I murmured, sleepily.
“Then you better succeed,” she teased. “I charge by the minute.”
I ended up only sleeping for an hour or so but I woke up feeling refreshed. And
for the first time in a long time- hopeful. I had a place to stay. The San
Diego PD were looking for Eli. I didn’t have to hide who I was anymore. Sure, I
probably needed years of therapy but all things considered life was looking
good. I chose to ignore the small voice that whispered good was misery’s
foreplay.
Shopping with Stef was quick, easy, and efficient. We stuck to the list and
didn’t spend more time than necessary in each store. Most of the clothes I’d be
wearing were hand me downs from Jesus but she brought me my own underwear and
shoes. She even bought me a hoodie I had been eying from the display window. It
wasn’t until we got my hair cut that we ran into problems.
I cried.
The moment I saw my reflection I burst into tears. I looked like HIM. Like the
baseball captain. The homecoming king. I looked like the all-American golden
boy that fucked cheerleaders and let other people dictate his life. I hated
him. He ruined everything.
“It’s okay,” Stef said, hugging me to her chest. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I hate him,” I whispered. “I hate him so much.”
“You hate who honey?”
“HIM,” I seethed, staring at my reflection. “I want him gone. I don’t want to
look at him.”
Stef seemed concerned but she nodded her head.
“Okay, what do you want to do?”
“Black. Make it black.”
This time when I stared at my reflection, I saw someone new.
Someone I didn’t know but already liked more.
“Better?” Stef asked, running her fingers through my new hair.
“Better.”
The ride back to the house was silent. I could tell Stef was extremely worried
but I didn’t feel like talking about it. I had reached my emotional
conversation quota for the day. To distract myself, I spent the next three
hours playing video games. Eventually, even that got boring.
Jude came home while I was walking down the stairs. He was so beautiful it
hurt. His eyes didn’t hold pity exactly but I couldn’t place the look on his
face. When the staring became uncomfortable, I snapped.
“What?”
My tone made him flinch.
“S-sorry,” he replied, bowing his head. “Your hair…”
“Oh.” I had already forgotten about it. “Yeah.”
Feeling self-conscious, I made a slow beeline for the kitchen.
“I like it,” he added, softly. “It’s a different side of you.”
Something about the way he worded it made my heart flutter.
It was like he understood.
“Thanks, Jude.”
He ran upstairs.
As for me, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was such a simple thing, Jude
liking my hair. But, it felt like the highlight of my day. I was still smiling
by dinner time.
“Where is everyone?” I asked Lena as she placed lasagna on the table.
“Jude’s asleep,” Stef informed us, appearing out of nowhere. “I didn’t want to
wake him so three's a crowd.”
“Good call,” Lena hummed. “I don’t think he’s been sleeping well the last few
days.”
“I wonder why. Maybe his anxiety is getting bad again.”
“Jude has anxiety?” I asked, genuinely surprised. I knew he was shy but he
didn’t seem overly anxious at school.
“He does,” Lena replied, joining us at the table. “It’s not as debilitating as
it used to be but the fear is always there.”
“Ferowat?”
Lena laughed as chunks of lasagna fell out my mouth. Stef, on the other hand,
was not impressed.
“Fear of what?” I asked again, after swallowing. “People?”
“It’s not that simple. Jude is…complicated.”
“But we love him,” they finished at the same time.
And they did. They loved all of their children. It was obvious from the moment
you walked in. Everything from the dozens of family photos on the wall to the
never ending supply of pancakes were evidence of that love. The Adams Fosters’
were a lucky bunch.
Unbidden, a memory flashed through my mind. Me, on my knees, at thirteen years
old begging Dad not to make me go to the 8th grade dance with Rebecca Walters.
The heavy feel of his hand as he shoved me and told me to “be a man.” Mom’s
crestfallen face as she helped me up and whispered the same thing she always
whispered: “this is what’s best for you.”
Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore.
“Are you okay honey?” Lena asked, gently touching my shoulder.
I tried to get control of myself.
“Sorry,” I whispered. “It’s just…”
“A moment?” Stef inquired, softly.
I was confused until I remembered our earlier conversation.
“Right. Yes. It’s just a moment. I’m sure I’ll feel differently in a few
minutes.”
Smiling, Stef patted my hand.
“Take all the moments you need.”
The two of them made small talk about their day while I cried into my shirt.
Eventually, the moment passed and I went from feeling hopelessly sad to
blissfully numb. My appetite even came back.
When I was three-fourths done with my plate, Lena cleared her throat.
“So Connor...I know it’s probably the furthest thing from your mind right now
but we need to talk about school.”
The groan that left me came from the inner depths of my soul.
“Oh, come on,” Lena laughed. “School’s not that bad.”
“Maybe when you run it,” I grumbled.
Stef barked out a laugh and Lena tried not be charmed by the sound.
“Anyway,” Lena continued. “I wanted to talk to you about your options.
Obviously, your situation qualifies as a special circumstance. If you’d like to
graduate from Anchor Beach- and I sincerely hope you do- you can choose between
a self-study option which would be similar to homeschooling or you can choose
to attend classes the traditional way.”
“What do you mean homeschool? Like one of you would be my teacher?”
HELL NO, said Stef’s face.
“No sweetie. Maybe homeschool it too outdated a concept. It’d be more like
finishing high school online but you would still have access to the physical
campus and all of its resources.”
My nose scrunched. I didn’t like online classes. Plus, the idea of staying
cooped up in the house all day every day sounded horrible. But, to go back and
face all those people…
No.
Fuck them.
I was done living for other people’s approval.
“I’ll go back to school,” I stated firmly. “In person.”
The two of them seemed surprised but proud.
“Okay,” Lena said. “That’s great Connor. I for one would have definitely missed
seeing your face. Besides, it’s senior year! These are the memories you will
cherish forever.”
“Uh huh.”
Sighing, Lena shook her head. “When do you want to go back? I can give you up
to two weeks off. After that, you would be too far behind and self-study would
be your only option.”
“Can I think about it?” I asked. “Get back to you later?”
“Of course, honey. We’d also like to talk to you about maybe seeing the school
psychologist but that can be a conversation for another day.”
“Thanks,” I replied. “For everything. Part of me still feels like I’m dreaming
and I’m going to wake up behind a dumpster any second now.”
Frowning, they both grabbed my hands.
“Every child deserves a home,” Stef said.
Lena nodded. “And everyone is worthy of love. That is our doctrine. Our faith.
We believe that with all our heart.”
Once again, I felt tears in my eyes.
"Thank you for trusting us enough to help you, Connor.”
“Thank you for wanting to,” I whispered.
When the feels had died down, Stef cleared the table and I offered to do the
dishes. I had never done dishes before- Dad called it a woman’s work- but I
found the act highly therapeutic and I needed the reprieve. My emotions were
all over the place. I felt like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at a
moment’s notice. I wasn’t coping, I was just surviving.
But, that was enough.
Because as long as I survived things could get better.
I needed things to get better.
When the dishes were done, Lena and Stef invited me to watch a movie with them
but I declined. Their body language screamed intimate and I didn’t want to
intrude. Unfortunately, I wasn’t tired yet either.
What I really wanted to do was spend time with Jude. After crushing on him for
years, it was hard to keep my distance. I wanted to know everything about him.
I wanted to become his best friend. His lover. His protector. His everything.
But, it was just a pipe dream. I had nothing to offer him…except maybe a glass
of water and a dinner roll.
His door was cracked. Stef must have forgotten to close it after checking on
him.
“Jude?” I called softly, stepping inside.
There was no answer.
There was also no one in the room.
The bed was empty. In fact, it was still perfectly made.
“Jude?” I called again, trying not to panic. Where could he be? I would have
saw him leave the house and he didn’t seem like the type to sneak out.
“Ju-”
A small whimper escaped from somewhere. Confused, I looked around the room and
then paused when I noticed a small star on the floor.
No.
It couldn’t be.
With a sinking feeling in my chest, I set the snacks down and then lowered
myself to the floor.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
Jude Adams Foster slept under the bed.
***** Finally *****
Chapter Notes
     Short update this week. I’m not feeling well but I figured a short
     update would be better than no update at all. I promise to make it up
     to you in the next chapter.
Jude POV
By Friday, I was ripping apart at the seams. I hadn’t slept for more than eight
hours all week and the sleep deprivation was taking its toll. With each passing
day, it was becoming more difficult to maintain my mask. I used drops
religiously to hide the bloodshot color of my eyes. I wore makeup to cover the
pasty complexion of my skin. I popped caffeine tablets like candy and wielded
black magic like a Death Eater.
It was exhausting.
Was a moment of peace so much to ask for?
I laughed hysterically at my own question. ‘Of course it was,’ the demons
replied. ‘You don’t deserve peace.’
I didn’t.
I didn’t deserve anything.
My toothpaste was tear flavored. I was still crying when Connor walked in.
Embarrassed, I turned away and quickly wiped at my eyes. I wasn’t used to him
being up so early. He stared at me in the same intense way he’d been staring
all week but didn’t comment. Silently, he reached for his own toothbrush and
began to brush his teeth.
I hugged myself.
It was our first time sharing the bathroom and already I was overwhelmed by the
experience. He didn’t speak but that just made things feel more intimate. We
shared the floss without words, passed products without being asked, and he
even held out my concealer somehow knowing it was mine.
Blushing, I took it from his hands. Since he didn’t ask about it, I didn’t
offer up any information. I put the makeup on while he lathered shaving cream
onto his chiseled jaw. It was hard not to watch. I had never met anyone as
attractive as Connor. Even with less muscle, messy black hair, and an ugly scar
just below his ribcage he was still the most beautiful man I had ever seen.
“Why were you crying?” he asked suddenly, out of the blue.
I nearly dropped the jar I had been holding. Despite his intense staring, he
had barely spoken more than three words to me all week. The question caught me
off guard.
“Oh,” I laughed, nervously. “I stubbed my toe. I’m actually pretty clumsy. Not
all of us are born graceful athletes.”
The last part was said with a smile. Connor responded by tightening his grip on
the sink.
“Don’t do that,” he seethed.
My eyes widened in surprise.
“D-do what?”
“Lie to me,” he replied, seriously. “If you don’t want to tell me something
that’s fine. But, don’t lie to me Jude. Save that shit for everyone else.”
My jaw dropped.
How dare he talk to me like that!
“Fuck you,” I spat, glaring daggers at his stupid face. “I’m not lying and even
if I was I can do whatever I want.”
Connor moved forward until I was crowded against the shower wall. I trembled
but held my ground.
“Don’t lie to me,” he demanded, softly. “I need you. I need at least one person
I can trust.”
We were so close I could see the golden flecks in his eyes. I could also see
how important this was to him.
“Can I trust you Jude?”
I held my breath.
“Can I trust YOU?” I parroted back.
“With your soul.”
The door opened before I could even process that statement. I had never been
more relieved to see Mama in my life.
“Oh good!” she said. “You’re both here! Connor I need to go into the office
early today. Do you mind catching a ride with Jude?”
“Not at all.”
“Wait!” I exclaimed. All eyes turned towards me. “Can someone catch me up? A
ride where?”
“To school,” Mama replied, as if I was slow. “We talked about this last night,
honey. Connor is going back to school today.”
My eyes doubled in size.
I didn’t remember that conversation. Then again, I had spent more time in my
head than in reality lately.
“But, it’s Friday!”
“That’s why it’s brilliant!” she exclaimed, happily. “He can test the waters
and then take the entire weekend to regroup. Anyway, I need to go sweetie. Can
you take him or not?”
I glanced back at his intense eyes.
“I’ll take him,” I mumbled, reluctantly.
“You’re amazing,” Mama said, kissing my cheek. She gave Connor a kiss too.
“Good luck today. You know where to find me.”
“Thanks Lena.”
I tried to follow her out the door but Connor stopped me with a hand on my
waist. Eclipsed or not, his touch burned like the sun. I could feel it all the
way through the material of my shirt.
“You never answered me,” he stated, firmly. “Can I trust you?”
My heart was a hummingbird. I needed to get away before I unraveled.
I nodded my head.
Whatever he wanted as long as I could leave this room. Besides, I didn’t have
to tell him anything I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t lie. I could do that.
Smiling brightly, he gave my hip a gentle squeeze. “You’re amazing,” he said,
echoing Mama’s earlier statement.
Whimpering, I shoved past him and then ran back to my room.
What the hell was that?! He ignores me for an entire week and then forces me
into some kind of soul pact?!
I knew I was overreacting but I couldn’t help it.
I felt raw.
Exposed.
Sniffling, I reached for my star blanket and then crawled under the bed.
“You’re okay,” I whispered. “No one can get you here.”
No humans, anyway.
Only monsters lived under the bed.
Monsters, I understood. Monsters were familiar.
Connor, on the other hand, was not.
Eventually, I calmed down and was able to rebuild my walls. I reinforced them
with fucking titanium. When I emerged from under the bed, I felt a lot calmer.
It was The Memorial- it had me on edge. But, I could do this. I could go
through the motions until it passed. I had been doing it for the last nine
years.
I got dressed and then used the drops I kept in my backpack. It took a few
minutes but eventually my eyes faded from bloodshot to light pink. Crying had
messed up my makeup but I didn’t want to risk another trip to the bathroom.
Instead, I worked with the concealer already on my face. It wasn’t pretty but
somehow I got my skin to look white versus sickly.
By the time I slipped on my glasses, my mask was intact.
Connor was already in the kitchen when I got there. He looked amazing.
Different- so very different- from how he looked before but still good. His
black jeans hugged him in all the right places. Jesus’s green ‘Surf Santa Cruz’
shirt hung loosely on his new, smaller frame revealing deliciously tanned skin
and sharp collarbones. He wore a beanie over his raven locks and a soda tab
bracelet glistened from his left wrist. I had never seen Connor accessorize
before but the bracelet looked well-worn so he must have had it for some time.
“There’s pancakes,” he said, without pausing his dish drying. Connor’s love for
washing dishes was a running joke around the house. “I already ate.”
“Thanks.”
I probably should have opted for a granola bar since we were running behind
schedule but I wasn’t one to turn down pancakes. When I was finished eating,
Connor washed my plate as if on autopilot.
It was weird.
“Ready?” I asked.
“Sure.”
The car ride was silent. He was back to ignoring me which was fine by me. I
spent the short drive listening to music while Connor gazed out the window.
When the school came into view, I was suddenly overcome with anxiety.
Did Connor know he was walking into a warzone?
Instead of dying down, the rumors were nearly out of control now. The moment he
walked inside they would see his limp. They would see his black hair. His
bracelet. He would be assaulted by questions or worse- taunts.
“You okay Jude?”
“No.”
There was a pleased hum to my right.
It confused me until I realized why Connor was pleased.
I had told him the truth.
Suddenly, his words from this morning came back to me.
“I need you. I need at least one person I can trust.”
He had been talking about school. He needed at least one person he could trust
at school.
Because they were going to turn against him.
My anxiety skyrocketed.
“JUDE!” he screamed, digging his nails into my arm. “LOOK OUT!”
The pain focused my mind. I slammed my foot on the brakes just in time to avoid
hitting the stray dog. Trembling, I took several, shaky breaths.
“Park the car,” Connor ordered.
I parked.
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
“Jude,” he said, softly. “Look at me.”
I looked at him.
He grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest. I could feel his rapid
heartbeat.
I did that.
I scared him.
I almost HURT him.
‘You hurt everyone,’ they whispered.
“Breathe with me,” he said, pressing our heads together. “Breathe.”
I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the rise and fall of his chest. I hadn’t
even realized I was hyperventilating but now I could hear my desperate gasping.
Connor’s hand felt like an anchor. It pressed firmly against my neck, keeping
our heads together. I could taste his breath. Feel his lungs expanding under my
fingertips.
Connor was alive.
I didn’t hurt him.
It was that more than anything that calmed me down.
“Are you with me?” he whispered.
His question reminded me of all the times Mama asked “Where’d you go?”
“I’m with you.”
We opened our eyes at the same time. I pulled away from him. Once again, I felt
overwhelmed by his presence. I needed space.
“We should get to school,” I said, clearing my throat awkwardly. “We’re already
late but if I hurry they might let you into class.”
I squirmed under intensity of his gaze. He was going to ask. Demand I tell him
what happened. Use that stupid soul pact against me.
“Can you drive?”
The question was so far left of what I was expecting it took me a while to
answer.
“Yeah I can drive…thank you.”
He nodded then went back to staring out the window like the last fifteen
minutes never happened.
I didn’t understand Connor at all.
Sighing, I finished the short drive to campus. My anxiety returned but it was
manageable. We hopped out the car and made our way to the entrance. Connor’s
limp wasn’t that bad but it was all I could notice. It was all anyone would be
able to notice. His face seemed impassive but there was a tightness to his
body. Maybe I could walk him to class? I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be seen
with me in public but maybe my company would be preferable to facing everyone
alone. We reached the door.
“Do you want to-”
“Bye, Jude.”
He walked away.
Finally.
Finally, Connor was acting in a way I understood.
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