Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13642449.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Underage, Graphic_Depictions_Of
      Violence
  Category:
      F/F, F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Roxy_Lalonde/Dirk_Strider, Dave's_Bro_|_Beta_Dirk_Strider/Rose's_Mom_|
      Beta_Roxy_Lalonde, Dirk_Strider/Other(s), Rose_Lalonde/Kanaya_Maryam,
      Dave_Strider/Karkat_Vantas, Caliborn/Dirk_Strider
  Character:
      Dirk_Strider, Dave's_Bro_|_Beta_Dirk_Strider, Dave_Strider, Roxy_Lalonde,
      Rose's_Mom_|_Beta_Roxy_Lalonde, John_Egbert, Karkat_Vantas, Kanaya
      Maryam, Caliborn_(Homestuck), Lil_Cal_(Homestuck)
  Additional Tags:
      Strider_Feels, Kid_Fic, Vampires, Vampire_Bites, Vampire_Sex, the_title
      is_ironically_cheesy, Dave's_Bro_|_Beta_Dirk_Strider_is_Not_an_Asshole,
      incompetent_child_raising, but_not_abuse, Family_Secrets, POV_Second
      Person, Single_Parents, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Humanstuck, Smuppets,
      Rough_Sex, Bondage
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-11 Updated: 2018-03-26 Chapters: 22/? Words: 65582
****** Hidden Bloodlines ******
by Laurasauras
Summary
     Your name is Dirk Strider, but everyone who called you that is dead,
     now. You go by Bro, and you're a vampire. And a single dad to the
     coolest kid in the world.
     Dave's just brought his first friend home, finally trusting himself
     and you to keep your vampireness a secret.
     You are really not good at this socialising thing.
Notes
     Writing as I go and updating tags as I go.
     This Bro is not a particularly competent dad, but he's trying, and
     I'd really like it if people bear that in mind before commenting
     about abuse. Canon Bro was abusive, this Bro just forgets human stuff
     sometimes and treats his kid like a half-vampire peer. Not gonna win
     any dad of the year awards, and if this stuff is triggering, probably
     switch fics, 'cause I play it close to canon.
***** Chapter 1 *****
There’s a jangle of noise you haven’t heard outside of television for years,
the sound of keys clinking together clumsily and hitting the metal of the lock
with force. Dave’s the only one with keys, but he doesn’t make noise like this.
You hover awkwardly at the doorway of the lounge for a moment before you
remember. He’s bringing a friend home. He’s giving you warning. You’re up in
the crawl space before he finishes his production with the door and opens it.
‘Why do you have so many keys?’ an unfamiliar voice asks. Great fucking
question, strange boy. Where did he even get them?
‘It’s ironic,’ Dave says, and you smirk at the way he’s using that as an
excuse, same way as you do, just labeling everything you don’t want to explain
as irony. ‘Every single one of them opens that one door, except this one.’ You
peek out the tiny hole you installed in the manhole (for scoping out Dave’s
position before you scare the shit out of him by jumping down) and see him
holding an ornate key that looks like it would open a mausoleum or something
equally macabre.
‘What does that one open?’ the boy breathes.
Dave makes an exaggerated show of looking around and leans in as if it’s a
secret. Which is ridiculous because he usually doesn’t have any kind of tells
and is always aware of his surroundings, but also because he didn’t glance your
way and your hearing is more than capable of hearing a whisper. The boy leans
in too, eyes comically wide behind dorky square glasses.
‘I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA,’ he yells in the boys ear.
You flashstep to a deep corner of the crawl space so they don’t hear you
snigger. Good one, Dave. You fucking love that kid.
The boy is shouting and Dave is laughing and you wish you could make him laugh
more. You sometimes wish you hadn’t trained him so well. But no, he needs to be
able to keep a straight face when he’s asked about you. Better that you’re both
alive and a bit emotionally stunted than the alternative. And, from the sounds
of it, he is still capable of laughing. Maybe you haven’t fucked up too bad.
You move back to the manhole. The boy is now looking curiously around the room.
Dave is leaning against a wall watching him.
‘What are we going to do?’ the boy asks, peering at your mixing gear with his
hands behind his back. You don’t know if Dave gave him the “no touching” talk
or if the kid’s just polite, but you appreciate it. The idiots at the club are
never that respectful of your gear.
‘I dunno, John, this was your idea,’ Dave says.
John sticks his tongue out at Dave.
‘No one has been to your house, I wanted to make sure you actually had one,’ he
says.
‘Dude, no one could achieve this level of hotness living in a cardboard box,’
Dave says. ‘I grant you that I don’t know how to work an iron, but I do shower
and change clothes daily.’
‘Yeah, yeah …’ John says. ‘How do you even walk down the street with all those
bitches just throwing themselves at your feet?’
‘It’s a struggle, Johnny-boy. I asked Bro to make me a snow plow attachment for
my kicks, but he said that it’s all part of the Strider charm, no getting
around it. Just got to learn how to deal with it now, or it’ll just be that
much harder when I get to his level.’
‘Where is your elusive bro?’ John asks.
‘Around,’ Dave says casually.
‘Come on, that has to be part of the experience! You’ve met my dad and my weird
neighbours and my piano teacher, I gotta meet your bro!’
‘He’ll show when he feels like it,’ Dave says.
‘What, is he at work?’
‘Nah, Bro works nights. Does most shit at night time. But he probably remembers
that I said you were coming over and staying the night and made some kind of
arrangement for dinner, because that would be a pretty fucking embarrassing
thing to forget as the so called provider around here. And he probably also
remembers that he could cool it on the ninja shit while I have a friend over,
because he’s not actually as psycho as he would like me to believe.’
John laughs nervously.
‘Can he hear us?’ he whispers.
Dave gives him the blankest of blank looks. You are so proud. Until he makes a
movement to go and pull the manhole cover down. You roll your eyes and heave a
mountain of smuppets out the entrance with supernatural speed. He knows better
than to try and follow you. It’d be nice if you didn’t have to use sex puppets
to teach the kid boundaries, but the least you can do is be predictable.
Dave is predictable right back in the way he flips the fuck out when he is neck
deep in puppet dong. He flashsteps onto the kitchen counter and breathes
heavily.
‘Bro!’ he says, his voice annoyed.
You roll your eyes and flashstep out of the crawl space so it looks like you
were in the hallway all along.
‘Yes, Dave,’ you say, perfectly aloof.
John jumps like a foot in the air and pulls a big ass hammer out of his strife
specibus. You raise an eyebrow over your shades.
‘Would it kill you to not booby trap the apartment?’
You cock your head to one side.
‘I don’t know,’ you say, faux-contemplative. ‘I’ve never tried it.’
‘What is  up  with these puppets?’ John asks. ‘I know you said they had dick
noses, but they really look like they have dick noses!’
He picks up a yellow one and looks at it interestedly.
‘That one vibrates,’ you tell him helpfully.
He drops it like it’s one of your killer basslines. You keep your face blank.
Dave palms his face.
You notice a slight bulge in the knee of Dave’s skinny jeans, like there’s
something padding it.
‘You have a tumble?’ you ask. And that’s the last of your air.
His eyes drop guiltily to his knee.
‘It was nothing,’ he says.
You cross your arms and wait.
John cracks first.
‘It really isn’t much! Just a bit of a graze!’
You inhale slowly, filling your lungs. Okay, now you smell it, but they’re
right, there isn’t much blood and you can practically taste the antiseptic
cream on it. In a way, it’s a relief, because you’re used to Dave’s blood,
you’d never lose control over that, but having it exposed draws your attention
more than John’s, means you’re not gonna lose control over his either. And,
actually, his is fine too. You were just being cautious over nothing. Better
that way, though. You only fed a week ago, you won’t need to for another few
weeks, but you don’t like to tempt fate.
‘Striders are supposed to have more grace than that,’ you tell Dave.
‘He was distracted,’ John says, a goofy grin replacing the nervous look he had.
He’s just leaning on his hammer like it’s no big deal. You like this kid.
‘Oh?’ you say, smiling slightly at John to keep him talking. Look at you, being
all social, using facial expressions.
‘And showing off,’ John says, somehow grinning wider. Holy shit, that’s a happy
kid.
‘For someone in particular?’ you ask, coming closer without really meaning to.
You force yourself back into full control and lean against the back of the
couch.
‘Oh my god, John, shut up,’ Dave whines.
Your smile tugs a little bigger. Your little bro is becoming a teenager,
awkward crushes and embarrassing bro-parents and all.
‘Karkat!’ John blurts. He claps his hands over his mouth, his big blue eyes
round with shock. ‘Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean to say that!’ he says.
‘’S’cool, kid,’ you say. You didn’t mean to pull an influence on him like that
either. Usually the shades help. ‘I got one of those faces people tell things
to. People see me, they give me the goss. It’s a curse being this trustworthy.’
Dave snorts. You hold your middle finger up for his examination.
‘I don’t care,’ Dave tells John. ‘He would have gotten it out of me anyway.’ He
flops down on the couch, close to where you rest, but not quite. ‘He might not
look it, but he’s like a thirteen year old girl when it comes to discussing
other people’s love lives.’
‘Is it love then?’ you ask.
Dave puts his poker face to use, but his ears are tipped with red.
‘D’you want me to clear off, give you boys some quality BFF time before
dinner?’ you offer.
Dave looks to John. Aw, he doesn’t mind if you stay.
‘No way!’ John says. ‘I can see Dave on his own any day, I might never get the
full Strider experience again!’
That shocks a laugh out of you. Dave elbows you in the ribs. You fall back and
backward roll so you are crouching on the other side of the couch, facing him,
and subject him to a thorough tickling. You love that he is ticklish so much.
He giggles and screams and kicks and even tries to flashstep away with zero
effectiveness. You only stop when his eyes start to water.
John is looking at you in awe.
You straighten your hat a bit self consciously and sit on the far end of the
couch so he and Dave can sit next to one another. You accept the controller
that Dave hands you and the pair of you proceed to find the most bizarre ways
to break your shitty skating game.
‘So, how did you two meet?’ you ask in the tone of a gossipy mother. Dave rolls
his whole head at you.
‘My cousin Jade introduced us!’
‘That the girl who smells like the beach and is weirdly cool even though she’s
a total dork?’ you ask.
‘ Dude ,’ Dave says.
John laughs. ‘That’s okay, I knew you had a thing for her!’
Dave savagely gets his player stuck in a rail.
‘She brought me along to the skate park after school one day and introduced us.
I don’t think she expected us to get along as well as we do, though! She says
I’ve stolen you!’
‘I talk to her plenty,’ Dave grumbles. ‘I am just as attentive to her as you.’
‘Yeah, but  she’s  never been invited to your house!’
‘ You  weren’t invited to my house,’ Dave counters.
‘How did that happen?’ you ask. Dave has handed his controller to John and you
are getting no small amusement from the way he’s actually trying to play the
game properly.
‘He nagged me until I gave in. Same way he got me to agree to sleep at his
house.’
‘You slept at his house?’ you ask. Shit, you are such a bad bro-dad.
‘Yeah, last month when you had your own slumber party to go to,’ he says. He’s
so casual, like he doesn’t think twice about leaving the house anymore. Which
is probably true. You don’t really care, so long as he’s safe, and there isn’t
much that could do him harm, especially if he’s with a dork like John.
‘If you were getting up to the stuff I was getting up to on my slumber party, I
think we need to have another talk,’ you say, waggling your eyebrows.
‘Gross, bro,’ he says.
‘Talk gross or John gross,’ you ask curiously.
‘ You  gross,’ he says. ‘And John is just a friend, stop making everything I
say gay, you’re worse than Rose.’
‘Oooh,’ John says. ‘Rose is going to be so jealous that I get to see in your
house!’
‘You can invite people over,’ you tell Dave, just in case he doesn’t know that.
‘I know that,’ he says. A bit defensively. ‘John’s here, isn’t he?’
‘I almost don’t want anyone else to come over,’ John says. ‘So I can just be
special.’
‘The first is always special,’ you say to him fondly.
He guffaws, goddamn guffaws. Oh god damn, that’s why you like this kid so much:
he reminds you of Jake. Speaking of the first. Two decades and it still hurts
that he’s gone. You kneel next to the games, looking for one that is a little
less broken so that your face is hidden. Except you mostly collect broken games
or break functional ones, so your options are limited.
You put a fighting game on that you haven’t broken yet and give your controller
to Dave so the boys can verse each other. John picks a hammerkind character and
Dave picks a swordkind. You give a little pfft of amusement.
John beats Dave soundly. You don’t even bother to give him shit, you just give
him a smirk.
‘Shut up,’ he says, even though you didn’t say anything. ‘If this were a real
strife I’d have him beat.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure!’ John says. ‘I’m pretty handy with my hammer!’
‘And you’re shit with your sword,’ you tell Dave.
Dave throws the controller at you. You keep his character to prove that it was
Dave’s loss, not the characters. You probably would have picked swordkind
anyway. You beat John easily.
‘Woah!’ he says.
‘Just because I don’t spend all my time playing these games,’ Dave sulks.
‘I am hurt,’ you say. ‘I do so many things. Being fucking awesome at these
games is but one of them.’
You play games, swapping controllers pretty regularly until Dave tells you to
go order pizza. There was pretty much no way that wasn’t going to be what was
for dinner. You flashstep to the kitchen to get away from their noise without
thinking about it. John doesn’t even react. He didn’t when he saw Dave do the
same earlier, they must be close. Still, you should really get better at not
freaking out the humans. Even if the humans are pretty chill.
You call the place and then look up what time the sun sets on your phone.
You’ll send Dave down to get it, just to be safe. Delivery guys hate having to
take all the stairs and you like making Dave do stairs. Win win.
 
You take your pizza into the kitchen and spit the bite you took for
camouflage’s sake into the disposal along with the rest of it. You take a glass
of water and try and swill all the pizza residue out of your mouth and into the
sink. You hate having food stuff in your body, it takes ages to be absorbed
properly.
On a whim, you tear a crust free and leave that on your plate and wait for the
boys to finish. Dave looks at the crust on your plate and gives you an amused
look. You smirk at him. You’re blending in so fucking well. He grabs a bottle
of apple juice for himself and a coke for John from the fridge. You resist the
urge to brag to John about how impressive your fridge full of groceries is. It
probably isn’t, from the outside. It’s probably bare fucking minimum in caring
for a human. And Dave buys most of the groceries anyway.
After a while, Dave casually offers a round of strife with you. You roll your
eyes because he is so obviously showing off for John, but the three of you go
up to the roof anyway. You turn on the lights so that the puny humans can see
and you strife for a while. You go slightly easier on Dave than usual, letting
him show off, but you win, obviously. You aren’t going to pander that much. He
and John have a round afterwards and even though he must be tired, Dave wins
pretty easily. You have the toughest kid. The half vampire thing probably
helps.
They have showers and then go to hang out in Dave’s room. You listen to Dave’s
music from the couch and wonder if you should have been encouraging this
“having friends” thing way before now. Yeah, you don’t like having your space
invaded and you still think school is too dangerous with all the adults, but
Dave seems happy. He has friends. You knew that before tonight, he talks about
them enough, but you didn’t really  know . You put on sports in the background
so that you aren’t tempted to eavesdrop on the boys and let your mind drift.
You’re surprised when John tiptoes into the kitchen in the middle of the night
for a drink of water. You’ve been watching anime since you heard them go to
sleep, using your headphones like a god damn gentleman, because you weren’t
sure if John would sleep easy if he could hear you moving around. You weren’t
really sure if John would hear you if you were dicking around with your mixers
or robotics, but watching TV seemed safe.
You slide your headphones off and return his awkward smile. He gets himself a
glass of water and then leans against the kitchen counter to drink it. You have
no idea what to do in this situation.
‘What’s your name?’ he asks suddenly.
‘Dirk,’ you reply. No one calls you it anymore, but you wouldn’t mind if John
did. ‘What, “Bro” not good enough for you?’
‘Why doesn’t Dave call you “dad”?’ he asks, ignoring your question.
You walk over to the kitchen at human pace so you aren’t hissing at each other
across the apartment like weirdos.
‘I had him real young,’ you say.
He snorts. You raise your eyebrows.
‘Obviously,’ he says, awkwardly avoiding your eyes.
Stupid non-aging body. Could have been worse. Could have happened at seven or
something instead of 24. You can pass for older with your sideburns and your
confidence. 24 probably isn’t too young to have a kid, (and really you were
closer to 60) but you were an immature idiot. Still are. Stupid non-aging mind.
‘Not only that, his mom kept him a secret from me. So I had no time to get used
to the idea of having a sprog before I had one. And being called “dad” freaked
me out. By the time I came around to the idea, I kinda liked that he called me
“bro” anyway.’ You feel a bit awkward now. You haven’t told anyone but Jane and
Dave this. And with Jane it was in a letter, like most of your conversations.
You miss her, too. Stupid fragile humans.
‘We don’t exactly have a typical relationship, but I like it. Think he does
too. He’s stuck with it, anyway. I’m not great with change.’
‘He thinks the world of you,’ John says. ‘I think you’re a good bro-dad.’
You smile at him because there’s nothing to say to that. If he had just said
dad, he would have been wrong. Your kid schooling you on the function of a
fridge at the tender age of six was pretty good proof of that. But he is happy
and healthy and he tells you what’s going on in his life. Maybe you’re not
awful at it.
John finishes his water and goes back to Dave’s room. You check the blinds are
all firmly down before settling back in to watch more of this animated
schoolgirl getting possessed by her slutty school uniform. You calculate it
will be at least seven more episodes before they wake, knowing Dave probably
double that. You’ll have to be around for breakfast with John there. You don’t
want to prove him wrong.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
After John visits, you half expect Dave to invite folks over left and right,
now that the proverbial dam has broken. But things mostly go back to normal. He
talks about all his friends a lot, but now he says things like ‘you know what
John’s like,’ and it fills you with this weird, warm feeling. Inclusion. It’s
nice.
One day, you’re at your laptop, deep in the code of the new best shooter,
adding mods to make the characters look like ponies and the buildings look like
dildos and basically trying to make it unplayable, when Dave flops down next to
you, too casual to be actually casual. He wants something. You finish applying
the mod to make the guns look like bananas and set your laptop aside. You give
him your full attention. He hates it. Ha.
‘It’s my birthday next month,’ he says.
‘Yep,’ you say.
‘16,’ he says.
‘Now that can’t be right,’ you say, deadpan. ‘I swear you’re 14 this year, are
you not 14 this year?’
‘No,’ he says, rolling his eyes.
‘See, this is why you should be eternally 24, then I don’t need to remember
this shit. I really recommend being eternally 24.’
‘Bro,’ he says.
You shut up. 16 is important, you know this, it says so in all those Disney
movies you love so much. Wait, does he want to go marry a prince? Will you have
to tell him not to? Will he fling himself on his arms and sob? You are not
equipped to handle this.
‘John thinks I should have a party. On the roof.’
Uh … daylight ... people being at your house … people  knowing  where you and
Dave live … but kids have parties … you can’t say no to him … parenting is
hard.
‘Do you even have enough friends for a party?’ you ask like an asshole.
He gives you the blank stare you deserve.
‘What do you need from me?’ you say, and that’s better.
‘Permission? Help making the roof look more party like and less battleground-
ey? Greet parents so they know there is parental supervision and no booze?’
‘What, like I gotta talk to adults and make them believe their kids are safe at
my house?’ you ask. ‘Dude, we’d be better off hiring someone off Craigslist.’
Dave goes quiet for a minute, as if considering it. You shove him.
‘You’ll be fine. John has the most protective dad of all of them and he’s
already clear to come here. Just … I dunno, look up some small talk topics or
something.’
‘And you  don’t  want booze?’ you check. Should you be leaving that decision up
to your kid? Probably not.
‘Nah, only losers brag about how much they drink on the weekends.’
How did you raise a good kid? It baffles you.
‘Very true,’ you say. Your 16th birthday is one you barely remember, and not
just because it was so long ago. You did not have that opinion then. You got
well and truly hammered and threw up in three different beds that your friends
kept trying to put you in. Each time you snuck back out to rally and dance and
try to pick people up. A surprisingly good night, despite all the vomiting.
‘So when are we doing this?’ you ask. You have research to do. Maybe you’ll buy
a fatherly pipe. God bless Amazon and the ability to have almost everything you
need delivered to your door so you don’t have to go outside.
‘My birthday falls on a Monday, so the Saturday before?’
‘What’s the date today?’
He rolls his eyes.
‘6th. It’s a Tuesday.’
‘Oh shit, it’s Cal night,’ you say.
He rolls his eyes again. Teenagers are delightful. You look at the time on the
microwave and convert it into real world time. You still have like five hours.
You relax.
‘Okay, plenty of time to get myself all daddied up,’ you say.
‘You really shouldn’t go over the top with that. I mean, they all know I call
you Bro, I’ve called you a weirdo, they don’t expect a Mr Egbert.’
You sigh dramatically while inwardly squeeing that your kid talks about you
with his friends.
‘Please show me another picture of Mr Egbert,’ you say.
‘No,’ Dave says firmly.
‘But I want to marry him,’ you say.
‘No,’ Dave repeats.
‘Cockblocker,’ you say.
‘A title I’m proud to wear,’ Dave says.
You shove him and then show him all your changes to the shooter. He is suitably
impressed, especially by the way you’ve got it to make the character jump two
feet to the left after a random number of steps. When you go out for your show,
Dave gives you a fistbump. What a sap. He must be really grateful.
 
You spend basically all your time for the next three weeks freaking out and
becoming an expert in current events, just in case someone comments on
something the president has done and you go off on a tangent about Nixon. Not
that you know anything about Nixon. You go to 24 hour diners and listen to
people talk to one another. You quiz Dave on his friends and their parents. 15
is pretty old for a kid to bring home his first friend and you fluked that
success with no small thanks due to John for being so enthusiastic he probably
would have been impressed with you even if you weren’t on your best behaviour.
You really want his first birthday party to go well.
He barely takes the piss. That’s how you know that he agrees that you need to
make this much of an effort. You’ve never been more grateful for the way you
don’t sleep.
Finally and all too soon, the day arrives. You pace around, unable to even do
any research because you’re too jittery. You set everything up on the roof the
night before, because duh, sun, and the whole day you feel like vibrating out
of your skin with nerves. You’re not allowed to strife in the house, so you
just have to keep your cool. You are sure that you have some around here
somewhere. Don’t you pride yourself on overflowing with cool?
John arrives first, with his dad and a girl who must be Jade. You open the door
and invite them both through the (smuppet free) apartment to come up to the
roof. Mr Egbert is just as hunky in real life, but you refuse to flirt with
him. You puff on your pipe (yeah, you bought an ironic pipe, it’s nice to have
something to do with your hands) and stand next to him as John admires the
spread you have going in his loud, enthusiastic voice and provides another
cake. Dave trails him like a cool shadow. Jade is admiring the view. You wonder
if you should warn her to be careful so close to the edge of the building. You
decide she can handle herself.
‘You’ve got a good kid, there,’ you tell Mr Egbert. ‘Was a pleasure having him
last time.’
Mr Egbert smiles easily. He produces his own pipe. Dave not-at-all subtly takes
a picture.
‘I’m very proud of him,’ he says. ‘Your boy is a good sort, too. John says you
homeschool him?’
‘Most of the time he directs his own learning now,’ you admit. ‘Kinda makes me
miss when he was younger and thought I knew all the answers.’
‘Hoho! Yes, John has given up on asking me for help with his maths! I thought I
was quite the dab hand at numbers, but I’m afraid I’ve become rather reliant on
my calculator.’
You hear the doorbell and excuse yourself. Mr Egbert gives you a look and you
fish a random switch from your pocket. ‘Hooked up a sensor,’ you lie.
The boy at the door is sans parent and pretty awkward.
‘Hi,’ you say. ‘Here for Dave’s bash?’
‘Yeah, I’m Karkat,’ he says, looking you in the eyes for barely a second before
returning to stare at his shoes.
‘Right this way,’ you say, admirably not asking if he like-likes your bro back.
Look at all that restraint. You barely get him up to the roof (Jade hugs him so
hard he nearly falls over and swears impressively) when the doorbell goes
again.
This time a group of three girls with one mom-type figure arrives.
‘Yo,’ you say.
‘I’m Vriska, this is Terezi and this is Kanaya. You’re Bro. Mom, can you go
now?’ one of the girls rattles off.
‘Hi … Bro?’ the mom says. ‘I’m Aranea.’
‘Yo,’ you say again. ‘You can call me Dirk if Bro is too weird,’ you offer.
Look at you, doing social things.
‘He has a name!’ Terezi says with a cackle. ‘Perhaps this Strider will be more
forthcoming about information!’
‘Mom, you can leave,’ Vriska insists.
You do your dadly duty and offer an alternative.
‘Party’s on the roof, girls. Aranea, you’re welcome to come for a bit, John’s
dad is up there too.
Vriska sighs but marches across the house and onto the fire escape without a
shred of doubt. Kanaya holds Terezi’s arm, guiding her so she doesn’t have to
use her cane.
You introduce Aranea to Mr Egbert and then spend the next half hour ferrying
kids back and forth. Soon the adults make their excuses and leave. Your human
skills are so good. You walk over to Dave and tell him as much. John hears and
guffaws. You give the kid a wink. He thinks you’re joking.
‘Is this everyone?’ you ask. You’re actually super impressed that he has this
many friends. And they all seem to like him. Even at your peak you really only
had two friends at any given time.
‘All ‘cept Rose, but she messaged me. Her mom couldn’t bring her after all so
she had to find her own way. She’ll be here soon.’
You nod your head and leave him to his friends, going over to the little DJ
booth you’ve got set up. You went a bit overboard, you’re well aware. There’s
multicoloured string lights and streamers and so very much junk food. The one
plate of vegetables and hummus you put out so you wouldn’t feel guilty at the
junk food hasn’t been touched. You’ve rigged up speakers everywhere except for
a corner with chairs so that people have somewhere to talk without yelling.
There’s a table that used to have party games on it that Dave immediately
vetoed. You have backup games in your sylladex for if he gets too cocky and
needs to be brought down a peg with pin the tail on the donkey.
Dave goes to the door when you give him a look. With no parents to schmooze up
to, there was little point you abandoning your post and your sweet beats. Ha,
you’re really just playing off an iPod so you can eavesdrop on Dave’s friends
without looking like a creep. You might do some mixing later if you get bored.
When he comes back, you freeze with shock. You flashstep over before you can
think better of it.
‘Roxy,’ you say.
‘Rose,’ she corrects with a wry smile. ‘But not an uncommon or altogether
unwelcome mistake.’ She turns to Dave. ‘My mother is quite a fox, after all.’
‘How do you know Rose’s mom? You don't know anyone,’ Dave says.
You ignore him in favour of giving this carbon replica of your ex your full
attention.
‘How old are you?’ you ask.
‘What a way to start an acquaintance with a young lady!’ Rose says. She sees
how serious you are. ‘16 on Tuesday,’ she says.
That fucking bitch. Halfway through your flashstep to the fire escape Dave
catches your wrist.
‘What the fuck, Bro?’
Right. Dave's party. His first ever birthday party. No need to cause a scene.
This can wait. It's waited almost 16 god damn years. You shake yourself out of
Dave's grip.
‘Sorry, little dude. Lost my cool there. Ha. Been a long while since I saw your
mom, Rose. Thought she was dead, to be honest. Bit of a shock.’
 'No, completely alive,’ Rose says. ‘Should I tell her to expect a visit from
you?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, tell her Dirk Strider would love to get a drink sometime. Soon.’
‘An irresistible offer to my mother, I'm sure.’
You bless your attachment to your shades as you give your daughter a long look.
Dave distracts her with conversation as you stare. John bounds over and greets
Rose with a shy hug and punches you in the shoulder. You raise your eyebrows at
Dave and he smirks at you. You punch John back and he staggers several steps.
‘Hey Bro!’ he says. ‘Rose, do you know Bro? He makes perfectly symmetrical
pancakes!’
Rose smiles fondly at John.
‘Oh, have you met Bro before? You haven't told me today. I suppose you may have
and I simply haven't seen the message yet.’
‘You been boasting about me?’ you ask incredulously.
John blushes. Oh. How do normal adults do this?
‘John and I got pretty close,’ you say. ‘Takes a special guy to get me talking
about my feelings in the middle of the night.’
‘What?’ Dave asks.
‘Dude caught me at a vulnerable moment. Watching some emotional stuff. Had to
have a heart to heart.’
John gives a nervous giggle.
‘You were watching cartoons!’ he protests.
‘Bro takes his anime very seriously,’ Dave says.
‘What did you discuss?’ Rose asks.
‘I’ll take it with me to the grave,’ you say, all sombre. ‘I'll leave you kids
to it.’ You give Dave and then John a fist bump. Rose raises her eyebrow. She
offers her fist and you kiss her knuckles gently before you think better of it.
That was probably a creepy move. Oh well. She smiles though, and you flashstep
back to your booth, taking over from the iPod. Yeah, distraction would be a
nice thing now.
From this position you can see Dave circulating the room like he's had a
million parties. You notice he stands up a little taller near Karkat and subtly
mix in a poppy love song. Dave is so absorbed in his conversation he doesn't
notice for almost a full minute.You feel rather than see him glaring at you
through his shades and calmly play along with the chorus on your keyboard
before changing the song.
You are relieved to see that Rose is holding hands with another girl and
therefore you don’t have to have the incest talk with Dave at some point. You
think you’d probably just never say anything if that happened, sit at the
wedding with Roxy and pretend like everything was chill. Because Rose is
definitely your kid. If their neighbouring birthdays hadn’t confirmed it (Dave
was born at ten to midnight according to his birth certificate) and her crazy
resemblance to Roxy was nothing, you would have been convinced after
eavesdropping on her like the creepy vampire you are. She’s you. None of Roxy’s
wild enthusiasm, but her grace and intelligence. Your sarcasm and wit, but none
of your awkwardness. You love her. You’ve known of her existence for half an
hour and you love her. It was the same when you first met Dave.
 
The party is due to finish at midnight, and at 11:30 you set off some pretty
spectacular fireworks. Dave watches Karkat instead of the fireworks and you are
going to give him so much shit for that. Not that you don’t get it, the kid has
looked nothing but shy or grumpy all night, usually both at the same time, so
it’s pretty cute to see him looking at the sky in awe. Rose catches Dave as
well and whispers something in his ear, causing him to jump out of his skin.
You sigh. So much for your ninja kid. You console yourself with the knowledge
that Rose has probably inherited a bit of your sneakiness. It isn’t like a goof
like John snuck up on him.
You leave the door open with a sign on telling parents to come to the roof to
collect their charges and you manage to make small talk with all of them once
more. You’re relieved when Rose goes home with Mr Egbert, to sleep at Jade’s
house rather than catch a taxi back to hers. You fist bump them all goodbye,
even Mr Egbert, though he’s baffled by it, and give John an extra one because
he seems like he would lord that over the others and damn if that isn’t funny.
The last one left is a tall kid called Gamzee, but you don’t mind at all
because he and Dave get into a rap battle while you drop a beat, and that’s
pretty great. In the end, he crashes on the couch. His dad is apparently very
unreliable. You congratulate yourself on not being the worst parent in Dave’s
life.
In the morning you make obligatory pancakes and then call the kid a taxi and
give him money for it.
‘The wicked messiahs sent you right up into my life like a motherfucking
miracle, my brother,’ he tells you, before absentmindedly rolling the note you
gave him into a familiar looking shape.
‘You ever need to crash here, you can,’ you tell him. ‘So long as you don’t
give my kid drugs, we’re cool.’
He gives you a hug you don’t know how to return and then gives Dave a much
longer one, until Dave pokes him in the cheek and he leaves.
‘I think he fell asleep on me,’ Dave says to you.
You smirk.
‘He might be my favourite,’ you say.
‘Yeah? Who are the other contenders?’
‘John, obviously. Nepeta. She came over to me and gave me so much gossip.
Rose.’
‘What was the deal with that?’ he asks.
Do you tell him now? Surely it’s better to know now then to hear you telling
Roxy later.
‘Come sit on the couch with me,’ you say.
Dave goes, but he looks spooked. You decide to be as direct as possible.
‘So you know that I never knew your mom was pregnant with you. We were a thing,
and then one day she just disappeared. She moved to Iceland, sobered up so she
could land a job and presumably keep you healthy and it took me a year to find
her. I loved her, so I didn’t give up. Turned out she left me because she
didn’t want to share you. I’m still not quite clear on what her logic was
there. Probably thought a vampire wasn’t dad material. Or maybe just that I
wasn’t. I found you and took you back. She was upset, but she was young, had
her whole career ahead of her and I was a selfish dick who couldn’t stand to
not have you. Wasn’t gonna shack up with the woman who kept my son from me,
either.’
You breathe deeply. None of that is news to Dave.
‘Her name was Roxy Lalonde and her daughter—our daughter—is the spitting image
of her.’
Dave stares at you blankly.
‘People can’t lie to you,’ he says.
‘No, but Roxy was fucking smart. If anyone could talk around the truth without
me noticing, it was her.’ You look at your hands. You always fall for the ones
who can trick you. How many times did you let Jake get away with playing dumb?
Dave leans back into the couch.
‘Were you going to just march out onto the street looking for her?’ he asks.
You shove him, because you were going to do exactly that and that shit is
embarrassing.
‘After almost two decades. And what, you were hoping your bloodhound trick
would work?’
‘You don’t know it wouldn’t,’ you say sulkily.
Dave smirks at you so you cross your legs and close your eyes, feeling out to
your past victims through your blood connection. You ignore Dave’s presence,
always easy to find. You can feel the guy you had on Thursday asleep in the
apartment he took you to. You can feel the guy from the month before at
breakfast only a few blocks away. The rest blur into one another a bit more.
You haven’t tried to search for Roxy since you got Dave back, assuming she was
staying in Iceland, well out of your range. She had her own mental flavour,
they all do. You remember that exuberance and fierce loyalty and ditsy grace.
You remember how she fought you for Dave until you took her will away. You
think she’ll come to see him, if not you. You remember how she used to tease
you when you fed on her blood, laughing at how it took you ages to ask her
because you kept rambling around the issue until she would take pity on you and
demand that you ravish her. You remember how the alcohol made her blood taste
different, how she managed to get you second hand drunk and you hadn’t even
known that was possible before then. You think you feel her, like something out
of the corner of your eye, but you can’t focus any further. You could go closer
to where that feeling’s coming from. Or you could just wait. You open your eyes
and Dave is no longer on the couch with you. You look at the microwave. Okay,
you were out of it for almost ten hours. Night time again. You pop your head in
Dave’s room and he’s on his computer.
‘Find her?’ he asks.
‘Maybe. It’s not strong. She’s changed.’
He looks up at you.
‘Are you gonna kidnap Rose, too?’
‘Only if I think she’s in danger.’
Dave nods.
‘Did you tell her?’
He gives a humourless laugh.
‘Not exactly believable. I think I’ll let her mom do that. Or you, whichever.’
‘Strife?’ you ask. You’re full of nervous energy.
He nods and types a few last things into his computer before slouching after
you to the roof.
Chapter End Notes
     A huge part of me wanted to have BroDirk meeting each of the trolls,
     but that seemed to be a bit too much.
     And I've written so much backstory stuff, will probably make it into
     a prequel work at some point.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Vampire sex! If that's not your bag, just skip this chapter or just
     read the first couple of paragraphs.
Rose messages Dave almost a week later. Roxy has apparently flip flopped
between meeting them so many times that Rose didn’t feel the need to include
Dave in on it until she thought she was actually serious about it. You
appreciate not having to go through that kind of agony in theory, but you were
pretty much stressing about it constantly anyway. Dave says he has accidentally
hit on Rose about 500 more times in the last week than he has in the previous
five years of friendship.
You sigh. And then acknowledge that even though there was never any doubt that
Dave was your son, he has gone above and beyond in proving it with that amount
of awkwardness.
Together you arrange to meet Roxy on Saturday after sundown. You venture out to
the supermarket on Friday night so that you can buy stuff for a cheese board
and martinis. And soft drink and apple juice for the kids. You go through so
much god damned apple juice.
Normally you let Dave buy whatever he wants. He cooks for himself, unless he
whines at you to take over with something simple or takeaway. You can’t
remember what food tastes like, and it sometimes shows. You made one of his
subjects home economics so that it would go towards his schooling. He gets As
and you get to pretend to be Gordon Ramsay criticising food you can’t eat.
You try not to feel too nervous. Last time you saw Roxy you just felt angry. It
wasn’t just that she had jilted you, that she had taken your son from you,
though that was plenty to be getting on with. There was a primal anger, one you
hadn’t felt before, the anger of a vampire whose thrall had somehow evaded him.
You were so disgusted you hadn’t even considered biting her. You knew if you
had, you would have drunk her dry, even though that would have glutted you,
even though you would have been left feeling uncomfortable for a year
afterwards. You’ve only done it once. You’ve never met a vampire who liked to
do it, though, to be fair, you haven’t met many.
After your shopping, you check in on Dave (fucking about on his computer, just
for a change) and hit the clubs.
You could have anyone off the streets, you’re persuasive, but you’re also
smart, and you don’t like to influence people to do things they wouldn’t have
thought of on their own. No need to start a panic. No need to leave a trail. So
you pick up people the human way and then influence them to remember cutting
themselves on something that wasn’t vampire fangs and then to crave a steak and
leafy green vegetables afterwards to boost that iron back up. You like to think
you’re a pretty considerate vampire.
Tonight the clubs are full of students home for the holidays. You left your cap
and shades at home and changed into younger clothes, shedding the thirty
something disguise and letting yourself be 24. You miss being able to drink.
Being with a wasted partner isn’t worth the small buzz it gives you. You ask
for a glass of water from the barman and proceed to spill it on the floor until
it’s at a level where you can pretend to drink without actually getting any in
your mouth.
Normally you gravitate towards men. It’s not an overwhelming preference, but
it’s definitely your first choice. But tonight, blonde women are catching your
eye. Do you really want to have a Roxy proxy (heh) the night before you see her
again? Will it help clear her out of your system or will it be like offering
the first rock of crack to an ex addict? In the end, your decision is made for
you. One of the women you were eyeing earlier trips right into your arms and
spills your water everywhere. Her blouse clings to her skin as she apologises
and pats you with her empty hands ineffectively.
‘Slow down,’ you tell her. You steer her to the bathrooms and tell her to wait
while you grab some paper towel. She does, of course.
You offer it to her rather than groping her out of the gate and press some to
your own shirt and jeans where they got wet.
‘Was there a lake in that glass or what?’ she jokes.
‘I swear I’d drunk most of it,’ you say. ‘God, this always happens. I spilt
apple juice the other day, like a tiny, tiny amount and it covered the whole
floor.’
‘Ellie,’ she says, holding out a hand.
‘Bro,’ you say, shaking it.
‘Can I buy you a replacement?’ she asks.
‘I’d seriously almost finished. I’d rather have a dance.’
She blushes and looks to the floor before looking up under her eyelashes. Oh,
she’s got moves. You’re in the mood for a girl like her tonight. You let her
lead you to the dancefloor and are rewarded with some of the least shy dancing
you’ve ever been a part of.
After the first song, she presses herself against you and kisses you deeply.
She pulls away and grins, flicking her eyes to your crotch and back, letting
you know she felt the semi she gave you with her stripper moves. You’re not
embarrassed, she was practically giving you a standing lap dance, you’re pretty
sure it’s a compliment.
‘You’re so sexy,’ you growl, pulling her back for another kiss. No point acting
coy.
‘Wanna get out of here?’ she asks.
You nod.
 
In the taxi you treat the driver to the show of a truly sloppy makeout, so glad
to have found someone quickly, glad she’s keen, glad she shudders all over when
you kiss her neck like it’s extra sensitive. It takes quite a bit of self
control to keep your hands to her waist, in her hair, on the outside of her
blouse and jeans. You arrive at Ellie’s place and tip the cabbie generously,
because you can, and then practically race her into the building. You wait
awkwardly for the lift to arrive and then, once she’s pressed the button for
her level, press her to the wall and kiss her more.
The lift dings as it opens its doors and you chant  human speed, human speed
over and over in your head as you walk painfully slowly to her door, wait for
her to unlock it, fail to resist the urge to distract her, pressing kisses to
her neck and hands to her hips, to her breasts as she fumbles the key. She gets
it and you hesitate, just long enough for her to say, ‘come  in , you’re not
backing out now!’ and then you’re inside, pushing her back onto the door and
up. She wraps her legs around your hips and you’re grinding against her slowly
as you kiss frantically and when you start kissing down to her breasts she
finally gasps out, ‘wait!’ and you freeze.
‘I have roommates,’ she says and you relax again, let her down, let her lead
you to her bedroom.
‘So, we should be quiet,’ you check and she hits you gently on the chest.
‘ Yes, ’ she whispers. She closes the door and flicks on a few lamps. Ah,
women. Why have one overhead light when you can have fifty lamps? They have a
way of making places feel homey with the kinds of choices that baffle you.
She sits on the bed to undo the straps on her shoes and then looks at you
expectantly. You pull your shirt over your head slowly and say a quick thank
you to human Dirk for being obsessed with working out. Eternally ripped. Hell
yeah. Ellie practically licks her lips.
You toe off your shoes and socks with practiced balance. You unpop the button
on your jeans and slide the zipper down. You open the fabric so she can see
you’re going commando underneath and then pretend to hesitate. Gotta let the
lady decide when you’re fully naked. It’s polite.
Her eyes flick up from where your hands halted on your waistband and you hold
them out for her to step closer to you. She comes immediately and you start
unbuttoning her blouse, maintaining that eye contact.
Eye contact is dangerous with you. If you tell someone to do something and
they’re not looking at you, it’s only slightly harder to resist than if a
normal human had said it, but when you make eye contact, you can get them to do
anything. It’s why you wear shades. It’s why you make Dave wear his shades. He
hasn’t got anywhere near your power, but he’s a teenager. You know you would
have been suggesting all sorts of stuff to all sorts of people when you were a
teenager if you had this power then.
Even not saying anything, you can feel Ellie getting a little hypnotised by
your eyes, so you drop your gaze to her body as you slide her shirt off her
shoulders. You unbutton her jeans and unzip them then look at her expectantly.
She gets the hint and slides them down. You hook a thumb in the waistline of
her gorgeous, black lacy panties and pull her in for a kiss. Girls have the
best clothes. You trace the lace over her ass as you kiss and she pulls on your
hair. You have to get quite slouchy to kiss her now that she’s not wearing
heels, but that won’t be a problem when you’re in bed. You give her a tiny
nudge in that direction and she drags you back like a champ. You really quite
like this girl. Maybe you’ll keep her. At least give her your real number. You
unclip her bra and thumb over her nipples. She’s like a live wire, so
responsive, arching up into your hands, loving every touch. You make eye
contact with her and hold it for a moment.
‘I’m going to use my mouth,’ you tell her. She nods helplessly. You kiss down
her neck, lingering at her pulse point and resolving to have her there next
time before kissing down her breasts, her belly, down to her inner thighs. Your
fangs come out with the slightest prompting and you use one to pierce her skin
with a thin cut. Yeah, jabbing them in is one of the most satisfying impulses
to follow in your unlife, but leaving vampire bites on people isn’t cool. You
drink slowly, bruising a hickey on to her thigh. She groans above you, and
that’s better, you like it when they like it too. You take what you need and
then lick the cut so it closes. You lick your lips before meeting her eyes
again. ‘I just gave you a normal hickey,’ you tell her. ‘If you look at it,
it’s just a normal hickey.’ She nods. Satisfied, you start licking her through
her panties, sucking on the fabric, teasing at the edges where it meets her
skin. She moans appreciatively. You sit up so you can take the panties off and
she helps. She squirms under your tongue. You slip two fingers inside and she
makes a delicious noise. You suck on her clit as you slowly pump your fingers.
Her legs are shaking. Her breath is loud and unsteady. She grabs at your hair
and pulls.
‘Bro,’ she says. ‘Please, I need more.’
You take off your jeans and roll on a condom from your pocket. She hooks her
ankles around your hips and pulls you close, so you oblige, guiding yourself
in. You take a moment to let the pleasure wash over you. You like teasing, and
you’ll get her to work you up next time, but there’s something so fucking
delicious about going from nothing to sex. Feeding turns you on enough to make
foreplay an unnecessary bonus.
You start slow, but that doesn’t last long as she claws at you and coaxes you
into a punishing pace. You lean up for better leverage and she rests her ankles
on your shoulders without needing to be told. You groan and nip at her foot
with your safe teeth before finding a rhythm. You’re worked up, you know how
rare it is to be this compatible with a stranger, you love her body, you’re not
going to last long …
‘God,’ she gasps. ‘Fuck, I’m so close, keep going,  there ,’ she says. You keep
your pace consistent even though you’re desperate to speed up, nothing ruder
than interrupting a move that works, and moan when she clenches around you in
orgasm. You keep thrusting through your own release and then she lowers her
feet and you rest on your forearms while you catch your breath.
‘Wow,’ you say.
She laughs breathlessly. After a moment you deal with the condom and arrange
yourselves more comfortably.
‘I can’t stay til morning,’ you say, tracing her arm. ‘I’d like to, but I look
after my little brother, don’t want him to wake up and not know where I am.’
She hums. ‘But you can stay for a bit?’
You tighten your arms around her. ‘Yeah,’ you say.
You talk for an hour, she tells you about her roommates and her job at the cafe
that was only supposed to be for a couple of months but has turned into a year
and a half and you tell her about Dave having his first party at your place and
how you don’t really know how to raise a kid but you’re trying. It sounds a lot
more reasonable to say that as a brother who has only been doing it a little
while than as his dad. When you leave, you save your number in her phone and
text yourself a selfie of the two of you so you have her number too. She pulls
you back on top of her when you try and kiss her goodbye and you wrestle good
naturedly for a while before extricating yourself properly. You pat your
pockets to make sure you’ve got everything and give her one last kiss before
leaving. On the street there are no taxis and it’s started to rain. You close
your eyes and reach out to your connections to get your bearings. There’s Dave,
stronger than anyone else. You look around and strain your ears, but you seem
to be completely alone. You still step deeper into the shadows before folding
your body small, growing wings and flying home. You’re back by three. You
stretch on the roof until just before sunset, rolling through your poses and
enjoying the quiet until you have to retreat back inside.
Only 12 more hours until you see Roxy again.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dave answers the door when Rose and Roxy arrive. You lean on the back of the
couch, arms crossed, shades tucked into your shirt collar.
‘You keep those fucking sunglasses on your fucking face,’ Roxy spits as soon as
she sees you.
You lazily unfold them and slide them into place. She doesn’t relax.
‘Good evening to you too, Rox,’ you say.
She has her hand gripped tight on Rose’s shoulder. Rose doesn’t seem to care,
but she’s looking at you curiously.
‘What do you want?’ Roxy asks.
‘Been a while. Thought you were in Iceland. Can’t a guy meet an old friend for
drinks?’
Roxy lets go of Rose’s shoulder and flashsteps so she’s toe to toe with you.
Huh, so she kept that little ability. You weren’t sure if it would last after
you stopped feeding on her. Her eyes are still pink as well. She’s probably
just as vampire as Dave is. Perhaps that’s how she was able to lie to you. Her
aggression would probably intimidate most people. Shame she’s forgotten that
you aren’t a person.
‘You told Rose?’ you ask, casually.
She rolls her eyes and stalks to the kitchen. She pops an olive into her mouth
before fixing herself a martini. She pops a hip and glares at you. She’s gotten
old. It always surprises you when people do that when you aren’t looking. But
it suits her. She’s grown into that wry grace. You do mental maths. She would
have just turned 38.
‘That a “no”?’
‘Yeah, that’s a fucking “no”. You told Dave?’
‘Yes,’ you say.
She flinches. She covers it with a classy sip of her martini.
‘Want some AJ?’ Dave asks Rose, as if this is all going perfectly normally.
‘Bro got soft drink as well.’
‘Apple juice would be lovely,’ she says. ‘Perhaps drinking your brand will
illuminate the intensity of your love.’
‘Any apple juice is good apple juice,’ Dave says, grabbing a couple of bottles
from the fridge. He throws one to Rose and she catches it easily. He sits on
the couch and she joins him.
‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on?’ she asks politely. ‘I so hate being
out of the loop. It’s an unfamiliar feeling.’
‘Ha, nah. Let Bro do it.’
Rose turns her gaze on you. Her ankles are tucked neatly together. She looks
like the Roxy you first met, just in more modest clothes and without that air
of mischief. Or the ever present martini glass.
You look at Roxy. She drains her martini and nods her permission for you to
talk before making herself another one. She hasn’t changed a bit.
‘Your mom ever tell you who your daddy is?’ you ask.
‘Bro,’ Dave says.
‘What?’ you ask.
‘Might have been innocent fifty years ago, not now.’
You stare at him blankly.
Rose clears her throat.
‘I fail to see what my paternity has to do with anything,’ she says. ‘But in
any case, no, because she doesn’t know herself. Mother failed to protect
herself from my conception during an ill-advised liaison and here I am.’
You raise your eyebrows and she clarifies.
‘She didn’t get my father’s name. Or if she did, it wasn’t remembered.’
‘Am I so forgettable, Rox?’ you ask.
Roxy rolls her eyes and continues her investigation of your cheese board.
‘Forgive me for saying,’ Rose says. ‘But perhaps, seeing as your first words to
me were to ascertain my age, you won’t hold it against me. Aren’t you a bit
young to be my father?’
‘No.’
‘May I ask how old you are?’
‘Complicated question,’ you say. ‘Body’s 24. Mind’s 76.’
‘Your mind’s 12,’ Roxy corrects. ‘It’s just been around a while.
Rose stares at you.
‘People generally don’t lie to me,’ she says.
‘No, I expect they wouldn’t. I passed that one on to Dave as well.’
She looks to Dave as if expecting him to contradict you. He shrugs awkwardly.
‘Shades make it easier for people to resist.’
‘You knew?’ she asks.
‘He didn’t even know until he met you last week,’ Dave says, hands up. ‘I
thought it’d come better from him than me.’
‘What are you?’ Rose asks. She doesn’t look remotely afraid. Rox wasn’t either.
You hesitate. This part is never easy.
‘I’m a vampire,’ you say, meeting her eyes and willing her to believe you.
‘Prove it,’ she says, without missing a beat.
Roxy sashays over to you and offers her wrist. You look at her searchingly.
‘I fed last night,’ you murmur.
‘Easier than pissing you off,’ she says. ‘Still unflappable as ever.’
You raise your eyebrow. She flaps you pretty god damn easily.
Still, you feel your fangs swell in your mouth as you watch her blood pulse
through the thin skin on her wrist. You lean forward as if to bite her so they
come out fully and then bare your teeth for Rose instead. Roxy smirks and takes
her wrist back and retreats back to the kitchen. You close your mouth and lick
at your fangs, urging them to retract. Eh, you can still talk with them out.
‘Nice look, Bro,’ Dave tells you.
You rarely show him your teeth when you smile, but now you grin so you can show
off a bit. You don’t take them out around him, generally speaking. He sees
enough of your inhuman side as it is.
‘This is a lot to take in,’ Rose says. She still looks calm. Just like she’s
stating that as a fact that needs to be said.
‘You gonna take my girl from me?’ Roxy asks, glaring at you over her martini.
‘She take care of you?’ you ask Rose, gesturing at Roxy with a thumb. ‘You
happy?’
‘If I said “no” would you really take me from her? Would she let you?’
‘I’m convincing,’ you say.
She holds your gaze as if you don’t have shades in the way for a long moment.
‘I’m staying with my mother,’ she says.
‘That doesn’t work on me,’ you say. ‘But I’m not in the business of taking
people from where they want to be.’
Roxy scoffs.
‘Something you want to say?’ you ask. ‘Did I take you somewhere you didn’t want
to be?’
‘Oh no,’ she says, and her tone is as dry and bitey as the drink in her hand.
‘You were a very generous master.’
You walk over to her, human-slow and with a confidence you had even before you
were turned. You don’t stop until you’re less than an inch from touching her.
She sips her drink, nonchalant.
‘I can’t help influencing people I’m close to. I warned you. It was your idea.
You stayed.’
‘I was 16!’ she snaps. ‘I thought it was romantic to be your slave! When I left
you, you chased me to all the way to fucking Reykjavik!’
Your fangs are out again and they are inches from her throat. She’s leaned
away, maybe subconsciously, like she remembers this routine, or maybe tempting
you, daring you. You rarely get mad at anyone. Roxy has always been able to
push your buttons.
‘Bro,’ Dave says quietly.
You step back and close your eyes, breathing deeply. You don’t need to feed,
you don’t need to bind her to your will, you don’t need to make a scene.
‘Fuck,’ you say. ‘Sorry, kid.’ You turn to face Dave. He has one hand in the
air like he’s ready to drop his sword into it at a second’s notice. You glance
over to Rose. She’s watching all this from the couch like it’s a vaguely
interesting television show. You desperately want to strife or fuck or run or
fly away, too much energy in your body, but you can’t. You find your self
control and walk past Dave, clap him on the shoulder on the way and lean
against the wall, as far away from Roxy as you can get while still in the room
with her.
‘Would this be why you have always advised me against falling in love?’ Rose
asks.
Roxy rolls her eyes and drinks.
‘Have you eaten?’ you ask Rose.
She shakes her head.
‘Wanna show off your cooking, bro?’ you ask Dave.
He sighs, as if he doesn’t, but he moves into the kitchen immediately and
starts prepping. Roxy takes a seat next to Rose and gives you a look.
‘Don’t give me that look,’ you tell her. ‘We both wear shades and he’s half
vamp himself, he can and does say no to me all the time.’
‘He doesn’t go to school,’ Roxy says.
‘He’s homeschooled.’ You don’t like teachers. You don’t like “adults” in
general, but teachers are the worst.
‘He never has anyone over.’
You raise your eyebrow and gesture at the two of them.
‘He—’
‘Gonna stop you there,’ you say firmly. ‘He’s perfect. I know I’m a shit dad
sometimes, but he’s perfect. ‘Sides, I’m not looking at mom of the year, am I?’
Roxy glares at you.
‘So, Rose,’ you say, smoothly changing the subject like you talk to people all
the time. ‘You know what you want to be when you grow up?’
Dave snorts from the kitchen. What? You mouth at him. He just shakes his head.
‘Interesting and essential,’ Rose answers.
You look at Roxy. She smirks back. Yeah, her kid is pretty perfect, too.
Dave serves up some pasta thing in three bowls. Should you invest in a kitchen
table? Dave always eats on the couch or at his desk, but seeing Rose and Roxy
do the same looks strange. The couch only fits the three of them. You don’t
mind standing while they sit, it isn’t like you’re going to get tired, but it
doesn’t feel like how polite people do this.
‘Fancy a trip to Ikea, lil bro?’ you ask Dave.
He nods peaceably but keeps eating.
‘This is really good, Dave,’ Rose says.
His ear tips go a bit red as he nods again. You exchange a “d’awww” glance with
Roxy and then realise how weird that is. How weird it is that you have your
family around for dinner right now and how weird it is that you seem to have
adjusted to it.
‘This is weird,’ you say, because if you’ve ever kept a thought to yourself,
you’re not sure what it was.
Roxy snorts with laughter.
‘Not the weirdest dinner we’ve been to, though,’ she says.
Dave immediately gives her his attention. He loves pre-Dave stories, you’re
really not sure why.
‘Are you talking about the time Jane came to town and you two got into an
argument about my humanity? Or the time you made me go to that dinner with your
professor when he clearly wanted to pick you up?’
‘Ugh, I’d repressed the memory of Professor Creepybutt until just then,’ Roxy
says with an exaggerated shudder. ‘No, I meant when you had dinner with my
family and told them I belonged to you.’
‘Dude,’ Dave said. ‘You didn’t ask her dad’s permission? You just said “this is
mine now, thanks for raising her”?’
You snigger because he looks so offended.
‘Roxy’s foster family were a bad sort. But I didn’t know if she was
exaggerating or not because she tended to do that …’
‘I reject that wholeheartedly,’ Roxy says with a sly smirk.
‘So she invited me round to dinner to see for myself. And then she moved in
with me.’
‘Oh my gawd, Dirk, you cannot tell a story to save your fuckin’ life. So, here
I am, been with this big, scary, buff vampire for a week and a half, and he’s
all “no, Roxy, I can’t take you away from your family, you’re just a kid, you
need them,” and I said to him, “you’re right, how about you come meet my family
like you’re an honest gentleman, then.”’
Dave gives you a look because his 38 year old mother who he has just met speaks
more like a teenager than any of his friends do and you smirk at him.
‘Which was the way to go, because Dirk’s old fashioned as fuck sometimes.
Anyway, he comes over, he brings flowers for my foster-mother and tobacco of
all things for my foster-father, still dressed in his ridiculous fucking anime
shades to go with his ridiculous fucking suit—’
‘I didn’t want to jedi mind trick your family!’ you protest.
‘Yeah, and they’re the only glasses that fit your face,’ Roxy snorts
sarcastically. ‘Mind you, the suit did look good. Anyway, halfway through
dinner, after witnessing my creep of a “father” hit on my 12 year old foster-
sister, trying to get Dirk to join in because it was oh so fucking funny, Dirk
snaps, goes full vamp and tells them I’m going to live with him and if they
dare to contact me ever again he’ll snap them in half.’ Roxy looks fondly at
you for the first time all night.
‘Not my finest moment,’ you say, but you’re smiling too because it had felt
pretty damn good to defend her and she was so grateful to be out of there.
‘I strongly disagree,’ Roxy says. She leans in to Dave conspiratorially. ‘He
made my foster-fuckhead piss his pants. It was rad as fuck.’
Dave looks at Rose with wonder as if to check she heard the same story. Rose,
for her part, appears to have forgotten to eat while Roxy was talking.
‘Yes, I imagine that dinner was indeed weirder than this one,’ Rose says,
before going back to her pasta.
You and Roxy tell the kids some more stories. Roxy tells you about her hot-shot
science work. You tell her about your smuppets. The two of you go up to the
crawl space so you can show her how some are self lubricating and some vibrate
and some look vaguely like celebrities. You listen to the kids as they debrief,
not needing to repeat what they say to her because her hearing is still
slightly supernatural.
‘Dude, our parents are getting along, did we accidentally parent trap them?’
‘Maybe,’ Rose replies. ‘Had you heard any of those stories?’
‘Nah, Bro was always a bit cagey about Mom stories. Or any stories, actually.
He was alive for a bunch of my history shit and he’s always like “oh, I was
chilling on an island, I wasn’t paying attention to US politics.”’
‘My mother doesn’t really do stories either … I’m fairly sure I’ve never heard
her talk so much in a single session. Though I’m not sure if that is her
failing or mine. Isn’t it strange that adults are people too?’
‘Ha, yeah.’
You drop down from the crawl space without warning and neither of the kids
flinch. Roxy drops a second later, just as graceful on a bellyful of gin and
heels as you are with all your supernatural help.
The kids go to Dave’s room and you and Roxy sit on the couch, just talking.
You’re still kinda pissed about her hiding Rose from you, and Dave in the first
place, but it’s hard to stay pissed at Roxy. For her part, she must still be
pissed at you for taking Dave, but she’s a classy lady now, and she was always
better than you at working through stuff.
‘How’s Jane,’ she asks after a while.
‘Dead,’ you say shortly. ‘Ten years now.’
‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Hey, honey, I’m sorry.’
‘Not even old age, some workplace accident.’
‘Did you go to the funeral?’
‘Never was one for funerals.’
‘We humans think they can provide closure.’
‘We vampires think the dead gal’s family would have some questions about who I
was and why I was so young.’
Roxy grimaces. She holds your hand for a moment and you lean on her without
thinking. You’ve missed her, even though you tried to tell yourself you were
glad she wasn’t around. She was your best friend, all the other stuff aside.
You get her a glass of water because you’re a little alarmed by how little gin
remains in the bottle and she laughs at you for still trying to take care of
her.
‘I knew you’d still look the same, but it’s one thing to know it and another to
see it …’ she says. ‘I got old.’
‘Psshh,’ you say. ‘You just grew into your class. You’re gorgeous.’
‘You better not be coming on to me, DiStri. I don’t make the same mistake
twice.’
‘I’d rather just have a friend,’ you say honestly. ‘Even if said friend has the
best ass in Texas.’
She hits you, but is appeased.
At midnight, you call the girls a cab and see them into it. You give Rose a
fist bump and Roxy a kiss on the cheek. You meet the cabbie’s eyes over your
shades and tell him to see them home safely. Dave gives an awkward wave. You
race him back up the stairs and then fist bump him goodnight. He looks like he
might want to say something, but he just says, ‘weird night’ and goes to brush
his teeth.
It was weird. But it was made more weird because it kind of felt normal.
Chapter End Notes
     I loved writing this. I've smooshed the beta kids' personalities with
     their alpha guardian selves and I'm hoping you guys like it as much
     as I do.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     CW: drinking, addiction. Basic Roxy stuff.
Your instinct is to retreat to your crawl space for a month after Roxy’s visit,
to recharge and have some no-human time. But, of course, Roxy doesn’t give a
shit about your feelings. She once said you were allergic to socialising, but
she never seemed to count herself as a social cost. Most of the time that was
fine. But you have Dave now as well and Rose comes along and you just had a
party recently and you’re feeling pretty grouchy when Roxy pops over after work
for the second time in the week following her first visit. That’s three visits
in less than a week. You usually see non-Dave people once a month, and you get
to fuck them as a bonus.
So, you let Dave do all the talking, something he is uniquely suited to, the
kid’s like a tap you can’t turn off once you get him going. You fiddle with
your sound gear.
‘I hate to be indelicate,’ Rose says at some point. You’d tuned everything out,
but when she speaks you can’t help but listen. ‘But I do have school tomorrow
morning. By which I mean this morning.’ You check the microwave. Yeah, it’s
nearly 1am. You look at Roxy. Oh, she’s asleep.
You sigh and shake her shoulder. The kids don’t seem to be willing to. She
doesn’t move. You can see her chest rising and falling gently, but she’s not
waking up. God, has she drunk that much?
‘Hey, Rose, I’m just gonna give her a little nibble to see if she needs help,
okay?’
Rose nods dumbly.
You take Roxy’s wrist because her neck seems a bit too sexy and scratch her
with both fangs. You only take a mouthful before you close the cuts with a
sweep of your tongue.
‘Woah,’ you say.
‘What?’ Dave asks, and his mouth is all tight like he’s anxious as hell.
‘Ha, we used to call this a Bloody Mary. No, don’t worry, she’s fine. It just
takes a lot to knock her out and I can taste it.’
You look down at Roxy for a moment, trying to make a decision.
‘Dave, how bout you make your bed up for Rose, you take the couch tonight. If
I’m not back in the morning, here’s some cash for a cab to school. Do you have
the books or whatever you need?’
‘Yes, but clothes …’
‘Well, being twins, mine’ll probably fit you,’ Dave offers. You don’t point out
that they have vastly different body types. It’s pretty cute how he casually
drops that into conversation.
‘I’m sure I can pull of skater chick for one day.’
‘Good. Okay. Um. Be good, children,’ you say, awkward as all hell. You sling
Roxy over your shoulder. ‘I’m going to be so pissed if she barfs on me,’ you
tell Dave.
He sniggers. You flip him off and leave, trying to look decisive.
You take Roxy to the hospital and stay with her while she gets settled in. They
pump her stomach, and you’re a bit disappointed because it means she won’t feel
the hangover. You try and skip out before sunrise but Roxy stirs and you’re
trapped, you can’t leave her. She always had just as much a hold on you as you
did on her, supernatural shit be damned.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
TT: Sun’s got me trapped. Roxy’s fine. We’ll be home tonight.
TG: wanna see rose playing at being me
TT: Hell yes.
TG:
turntechGodhead [TG] sent timaeusTestified [TT] file
“girldavewhatwhattwins.jpg”
TT: She wears it better.
TG: shit i call favouritism
TG: fuck is this what its like having a sister
TG: im no longer the automatic favourite
TG: hello cps id like to report that my bro has burned me
TG: nah not literally he just pointed out my sister can pull of skater better
than i can
TG: and she knows i buy girls jeans and is now making fun of me
TG: double burn
TT: You buy girl’s jeans?
TG: no
TT: Holy shit, where is your pride?
TT: Dude, is there too much crotch room in boy’s jeans?
TT: They aren’t tight enough?
TT: Is it so they match your handbag?
TT: You want to jump in here and defend yourself?
TG: i just
TG: like the way they fit my butt
TG: and they have more colours and stuff
TT: I have never seen you wear jeans that aren’t black.
TG: yeah but like
TG: shades of black
TG: grey
TG: whatever man
TT: I have literal homosexual sex on a frequent basis and yet I have never
heard anything so gay.
TG: you said that last week when i said the indian you picked up was too spicy
TT: This is even gayer.
TG: ok im gonna ride to school with rose message you in a bit
TT: Shit, you’re a good kid.
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
You dick around on your phone for a bit and talk to doctors, making sure they
all agree with you that Roxy could use the rest of the day in the hospital to
recover. It’d be awkward if they discharged her and they you had to hide out on
your own waiting for the sun to set. She wakes up and you find somewhere else
to be for an hour so you don’t have to talk to her. Eventually the hospital
cafeteria is too much, too many people eating and talking and you skulk back to
her room. She’s awake, but more tired looking than you’ve ever seen her.
‘Hey,’ she says. ‘It’s daytime.’
‘Yeah, well, I’ve stayed away from windows.’
‘Is Rosie okay?’
‘Yeah, Dave sorted her out.’
She lets her head fall back on to her pillows.
‘I’m a bad mom.’
‘No …’ you say.
‘I was so worried you were gonna figure it out and take her away. And then you
didn’t. And I was disappointed.’ She’s crying. You suck at dealing with crying.
You move your chair closer to her bed and grab her hand. ‘How fucked up is
that?’ she asks.
‘Yeah, it’s pretty fucked,’ you say. ‘But also, I think, normal? Maybe not for
every parent, but I think most parents have days where they wish they didn’t
have to be responsible for, like, a whole nother person.’
She clutches your hand.
‘You know one Christmas she bought me a fucking vacuum cleaner?’
You snort.
‘Yeah, and worse, I thought to myself, “that passive aggressive bitch!” and had
the thing bronzed on a pedestal.’
‘Oh my god, Roxy, no …’
‘Whenever she pissed me off or I’d had a bad day, whatever, I’d get drunk and
just turn it on ...’
‘It still worked?’
‘Wouldn’t have been a very good gesture if I’d ruined the gift,’ she mutters.
‘Doesn’t she know she can’t beat Roxy Lalonde in a game of passive aggressive
one upmanship?’
‘I’m simply the best there is,’ she sighs. ‘She comes close, though … It’s
hard, Dirk. I work at the best private lab in the city and I put in crazy
hours, and they know I’m the best … but then I go home and there’s my kid, and
I’ve gotta, what? Cook dinner? Be a housewife as well? I draw the fuckin’ line
at cleaning, I got a maid. And I’m not good enough for her.’
‘Rox, I don’t think Mother Teresa would be good enough for her. That is one
cool kid.’
‘Love comes so easy to you,’ Roxy says.
You don’t know what to say to that.
Roxy falls asleep again and you occupy yourself texting Dave. He cooked Rose
pancakes for breakfast and made sandwiches for her lunch while she was in the
shower. You rap with him for a while about his competence, which is the best
way you know to compliment him. He’d think you were being sarcastic if you said
it outright.
At midday an orderly brings Roxy lunch and you lie and say you got something at
the cafeteria earlier.
At 3pm a nurse comes in and wakes her up. She asks Roxy if she wants you to
leave while they talk.
‘Nah, he’s my boyfriend,’ Roxy says, smiling and daring the nurse to take issue
at the age difference. You’d done the same thing when doctors had tried to
enforce visiting hours on you earlier.
‘Ms Lalonde,’ the nurse says. ‘Your blood alcohol level was very high.’
Roxy nods and looks down, embarrassed. You grab her hand again.
‘How many standard drinks would you say you consume a week?’
Roxy frowns to herself and doesn’t answer. You’re trying to calculate it based
on the nights you’ve seen her. Does she drink like that every night? The Roxy
you knew would have, but this Roxy has a full time job, a kid.
‘Ms Lalonde, I have to ask you these questions. If you have a problem with
substance abuse, possibly to the extent of addiction, we have services
available.’
‘I can stop,’ she mutters.
‘Can you?’ the nurse asks and you glare at her. Is this what support looks
like?
‘I stopped for Rosie,’ she says. ‘Didn’t drink even a little when I was
pregnant.’
‘How old is Rosie now?’
Roxy looks down at her hands, clenching her blanket into fists.
‘Why didn’t you just let me sleep it off?’ she says, glaring at you.
‘Rox …’ you say. ‘I didn’t bring you in to …’
‘Humiliate me?’
‘Rox, it’s just me. Just me and this judgemental broad. No humiliation.’
The nurse doesn’t seem offended by your statement. Maybe you’re playing good
cop bad nurse. Roxy just stares at the ceiling.
‘What services?’ you ask, because Roxy is too busy wishing this wasn’t
happening to ask herself.
‘Counselling, group therapy … rehab.’
‘What do you think?’ you ask Roxy.
‘Rose …’ she says.
‘Well I was thinking we could just toss her out on the streets, but if that
doesn’t suit, maybe I’ll take care of her,’ you say.
‘Or grandparents,’ the nurse suggests, in the tone of one helpfully offering
options that aren’t “give your boy toy custody of your kid”.
‘Doesn’t have any. It’s cool, my brother’s her age, I look after him.’
Roxy’s eyes are closed and she’s crying silently. You’ve only seen Roxy cry a
handful of times.
‘Perhaps you could come back later once she’s had a bit to think about it,’ you
say, not taking your eyes off Roxy, rubbing her hand.
‘My shift is nearly over, we have to check this off before we let her go,’ the
nurse says.
It takes a great deal of effort not to force the nurse to come back in an hour,
shift be damned. You probably would do it too, if it wasn’t for your kid back
home being a gentleman and a half in this situation. You will not be out
gentlemanned today.
‘People just sign up for rehab after a five minute conversation?’ you ask.
‘Well, they make an appointment to see the facilities at least.’
‘That sounds good. Rox, doesn’t that sound good? You can look around, make the
decision later?’
Roxy nods without opening her eyes. The nurse gives you some brochures and
makes a few notes before leaving.
‘You didn’t kill the nurse,’ Roxy says.
‘Nah,’ you say. ‘Want me to? Bet I can catch her.’
She smiles through her tears and you would probably do it if she asked. You
love her too much. Your stupid, clever girl.
‘You won’t be able to come with me, to look at the rehab place.’
‘... No.’
‘’S’okay. I’m a strong independent woman, you know. Have a career, raised a
kid. All without a man. I can kick my stupid addiction alone, too.’
You rest your head on her belly and she strokes your hair.
‘You’ll really take Rose?’ she asks after a while.
‘For as long as you need. But no longer than that.’
‘Missed you,’ she says.
‘Missed you, too.’
***** Chapter 6 *****
Winter is the best. You can actually do shopping because places stay open past
sunset. You, Rose and Dave are in Ikea, eyeing a bunk bed.
‘It’s ironic, right?’ Dave asks.
‘It is …’ you say. ‘Especially if we get you guys some kiddy sheets ...’
‘But is it  worth  the irony?’ Rose says.
You all contemplate that for a moment.
‘Maybe I should just buy a new place,’ you say.
‘That can’t be your solution to everything,’ Rose says.
‘It’s not. It’s my solution to this very rare and new situation, where I
suddenly have two kids who are probably too old to be sharing a room, let alone
a bunk bed, and chucking one bed in the lounge doesn’t seem to be a better
solution to me, so maybe I buy a place that has two bedrooms. Better yet,
three.’
‘You don’t need a bedroom,’ Dave scoffs.
‘You wouldn’t have to see me sewing smuppets anymore,’ you point out.
‘Yeah, three bedrooms, that makes sense,’ Dave says.
You keep staring at the bunk bed.
‘But how long am I even going to be staying with you?’ Rose asks. ‘I’ve shared
a bunk bed with girls on camp for three weeks, if it’s not going to be that
long, the bunk bed makes more sense than going to the trouble of finding a
whole new living space.’
‘Man I’m glad I don’t go to school sometimes,’ Dave says.
‘Mmm,’ you agree. ‘I think it could be longer than that. I don’t know how long
this stuff usually takes, but your mom’s a tough nut to crack. She’s gonna make
those shrinks work for their god damn money, I can tell you that now.’
Rose looks strangely proud for a moment.
‘Well, in any case, you can’t just buy a house tomorrow,’ Rose points out.
‘There’ll be paperwork and such. And Dave can’t keep sleeping on the couch.’
You are all in silent contemplation of the bunk bed again.
‘God damn, how am I going to get a realtor to agree to show me stuff at night?’
you wonder. ‘
‘Say you work 9-5 and won't be available until 6:30,’ Rose says.
‘Or I could dress Dave up as me …’
Rose looks at the two of you appraisingly. Dave stands up a little taller.
‘What if we swap shades?’ you ask.
Dave dutifully hands his over and you trade him. You both look to Rose.
‘It’s like you somehow switched places without moving,’ she deadpans.
‘Your shades need a clean,’ you tell Dave as you hand them back.
‘Your shades need an update. How long have you even had them?’
‘I haven’t told you the story of how I got my shades? I have failed you.’ You
nearly launch into a stupid story like you do about your sword every few
months, usually while sitting on his chest so he listens to you, but Ikea
doesn’t seem the place. ‘I’ll tell you at home, you gotta be sitting down.’
Rose grabs both you and Dave by the wrists and drags you through the store
until she reaches the kitchen section. She sits at the table.
‘But Father, we are home,’ she says.
Dave takes a seat next to her and puts his feet up on the chair opposite him.
‘Feet off the furniture, young man,’ you tell him. ‘And sit up straight, I got
a story to tell you.
‘Long ago, before my vampire daddy gave me immortality and cool powers, when I
was just a couple years older than you, all my sweet moves my own, not
supernaturally gifted, I set out on a mission to find that one accessory that
would complete me. It was a journey that you will one day take for yourselves,
for until you do, you will be incomplete. What is a man without his shades?
Just some guy, that's who. I walked for many days and nights until I found an
ancient Otaku Master, isolated because no one understood the animes like he
did. He forged the Shades of Ultimate Cool over the heat of a roaring manga
fire. They were cooled in an enchanted spring where virgin horses nickered and
bathed, and he told me that they could only be retrieved by one whose dope
rhymes were deemed sweet enough, and whose hair existed in a perpetually
sculpted state of looking completely fucking awesome. If anyone with a coolness
level of under 9000 attempted to wear them, their god damn face would melt
off.’
The kids stare at you for a long moment.
‘I wore them before,’ Dave points out.
‘I guess I trained you well. It was a gamble, but hell, if my progeny hasn’t
reached level 9000 coolness after 16 years of sweet, sweet mentorship, his face
deserves to melt off. And then my face would melt off when I took the shades
back, because that failure would be catastrophic for my echeladder.’
‘May I?’ Rose asks.
‘Sorry kid, your mom would kill me if I allowed your face to be melted off just
so you could prove a point.’
An announcement notifies you that you best be finalising your purchases or risk
being trapped in Ikea forever.
‘So, bunk beds?’ you ask.
‘We could stay at my house,’ Rose points out. ‘There are four bedrooms and
enough wizards to fill a Scottish school to the brim.’
You and Dave exchange dubious looks before you shake your head. Rose rolls her
eyes and then says, ‘Actually, could you shed some light on that? Is Mother’s
interest in wizards sincere or is she mocking me?’
‘She used to like them,’ you say. ‘But with Roxy it’s usually both.’ You lead
the kids through the store to the bit where you pick up the flatpack stuff and
find the bunk bed. ‘I’m gonna get it,’ you say. ‘If for no other reason than
for the look on John’s face.’
 
You get a few odd looks carrying the long package back to the apartment, but
you’re more focussed on the way that Dave and Rose have the strangest sibling
banter going you’ve ever heard.
They bicker like you’d expect kids that grew up together would, but in their
own languages. So Dave raps at Rose and she has to interrupt him to get a word
in edgeways and when she does, she proceeds to speak like an 80 year old
literary critic. It’s kind of beautiful and also kind of really annoying.
You’ve gotten used to the way that Dave is constantly talking, as if he can’t
do anything without narrating it, but now there’s two of them. Maybe you need
to insulate your crawl space.
When you get home you get Dave to assemble the bed while you go for a quick fly
around the neighbourhood, just to get away from the suddenly too full
apartment. The exertion feels good, the freedom of movement after keeping
yourself checked feels good. You go home just before sunrise and feel more like
yourself. Dave’s sleeping on the couch again, which puzzles you for a moment
until you check in the bedroom and see that the bunk bed didn’t come with
mattresses, obviously.
You get on your laptop and order a couple online, as well as more bedding. You
choose My Little Pony sheets for both of them. It will remind them that the
power of friendship can help solve any problem. And that you are in control of
their bedding.
You browse house listings for a while, sitting cross legged on the floor
because Dave’s on your couch until a shrill beeping goes off. Your laptop goes
flying as you leap to your feet, katana in hand. Dave wakes with considerably
less urgency and fumbles with his iPhone until the beeping stops.
‘What the fuck,’ you say.
‘Snalarm,’ Dave mumbles. ‘S’Friday. School.’
‘My ninja kid,’ you muse. ‘Have I dropped the ball on waking you up in the
middle of the night?’
‘Mmgod, no, Bro, don’ do that.’
‘When was the last time I did that?’ It was the last time he had a nightmare,
all screaming in his sleep. You pretended they were midnight drills or
something. You’re glad that seems to have stopped.
‘Ngh, Bro, be  helpful , wake Rose.’
‘I can do that?’
You walk towards Dave’s room and ignore his shout after you, ‘not with your
sword!’ As if you’d wake a kid up with a sword. You strife just as well with
puppetkind.
Rose takes to Cal’s legs tangling around her with just as much dignity as Dave
usually does, which is to say with zero fucking dignity.
‘Wha—’ she stammers and sits upright. You flash around, tangling Cal more
effectively. Huh, needlekind specibus, you haven’t seen that before. You keep
Cal safely away from the pointy ends until she stops struggling and seems to
accept her lapful of puppet.
With your speed, you can appear to be standing casually against the door while
also adjusting Cal into his most flattering and creepy angle.
‘Good morning, Bro,’ Rose says, with admirable composure. ‘And good morning,
Cal.’
‘Pancakes for breakfast?’ you ask.
‘I hear you make perfectly symmetrical pancakes,’ Rose says.
‘I pride myself on it.’
‘May I shower first?’
‘Enjoy your ablutions, lil sis,’ you tell her, and then you take Cal with you
to make sure Dave hasn’t fallen back asleep.
 
You hang about the apartment with Dave after Rose heads off. She’s found a bus
route so she doesn’t have to take a taxi to school. As far as her friends know,
nothing has changed for her. She’s brought all manner of clothes and things
from her house, and since that first day that she went dressed as Dave, her
Rose look has been uninterrupted. She was able to dismiss the Dave look as
irony to her schoolfellows, a feat of which you are proud.
Dave goes to the skatepark in the afternoon, to hang out with his friends. You
catch up on your sewing. You’re startled back into awareness by the sound of
keys jangling against the door again. Dave’s signal that he’s not alone.
You pack up your stuff with incredible speed. Dave walking in on you sewing
phalluses is one thing, you won’t inflict that on his friends. You end up in
the kitchen when the door opens. Dave walks in first, then Rose, then three
other kids. Three. Shit.
One is John, he practically doesn’t count. One is Karkat, hell yes, how much
can you get away with here. The other is one of the girls from Dave’s party.
There were, like, 15 kids there, you can’t remember all of them.
‘Sup, Bro,’ Dave says and he gives you a fist bump on his way to the fridge.
‘I feel like everytime I open my eyes I gain another kid, this shit is insane.’
‘Strider seed doesn’t fuck around,’ Dave says.
You give him a look to convey your discomfort with so many kids in your house
and he gives you a casual shrug.  Deal with it , the shrug says. You’re gonna
drown this kid in puppet dong later, a fitting punishment, you think.
‘Check it, John, got you a bed,’ you say pointing in the direction of Dave’s
room.
John practically skips to Dave’s room.
‘Sweet!’ he calls.
‘Have I disappointed you so soon?’ Rose says.
You shrug. Has she told these kids she’s staying with you? What are the rules
here? Before Dave’s party you made ironic flashcards on what you were and
weren’t allowed to discuss. Sure, you know you are allowed to talk about your
hobby of destroying video games and you know you aren’t allowed to talk about
the majesty that is a horse’s erect penis, but there’s a fuckload of wriggle
room in the middle there.
‘You kids want snacks?’ you ask. ‘I got doritos, that’s what kids eat, right?’
To Dave, ‘Dude, I gotta get another couch or something if you’re gonna keep
bringing humans back to my lair.’
‘I’m gonna grab some of those chairs from the roof,’ Dave says.
‘You kids can chill up there, I was just gonna …’
‘Nah, John is literally here for you, it’s like he doesn’t even like me
anymore.’
‘So why doesn’t Bro come up to the roof with us?’ Karkat asks.
‘Got porphyria of the skin, little dude. Hella sensitive to sunlight.’ That and
the vampirism. Sometimes saying that deadpan enough lets you off the hook.
You're not gonna risk it with Grumpy McGee though.
The girl and John go to get chairs with Dave, leaving you with Rose and Karkat.
You step back further into the kitchen as subtly as you can, what vampire,
there’s no vampire here, you can’t be in sunlight for human reasons.
‘So, you guys all hang out at the skatepark?’ you ask.
‘Kanaya’s mother was a pro skater,’ Rose says.
‘Kanaya is …’ you point upwards.
Rose nods.
‘She’s my girlfriend.’
‘Oh. Hey. That’s a. Thing I don’t know how to deal with.’
‘Dave said you were cool with that stuff?’ Rose says and you hate that you made
her look uncertain.
‘Oh, yeah, I mean, I like dudes, it’s like, is gay even really a thing anymore?
I’m not uncool with it, just more that I don’t uh …’ You are the best at
speaking.
Karkat is looking pretty angry. You should probably get a lot better at
speaking real quick.
‘What’s your story here, kid, who am I to you to these guys?’ you ask.
‘Oh, Karkat, you remember Dave’s bro who is actually his dad and it turns out
that he is also my dad and is looking after me while my mother attempts to
quell the demon that is alcohol addiction?’
You exhale in relief. Guidelines are now clear.
‘Right, well, that’s just what I mean, it’s like, one day I have one kid who I
know pretty well, I think, and then the next I have two and the new one’s an
enigma and I love you, don’t get me wrong, you’re cool as shit, but I’ve never
had a daughter before, don’t know what to expect, like should I be challenging
your girl there to a duel or like what is the parent thing to do? I don’t know,
I’m just your bro, but also what would Roxy do? Probably have a drink, man, I
miss drinking, what’s my play here?’
Rose looks at you with some amusement.
Karkat still looks pretty angry. That might just be his face. You decide to
change the subject.
‘So, want some apple juice? I hear that it’s basically the only thing worth
drinking.’
‘Damn straight,’ Dave says coming back inside holding two chairs. ‘Nectar of
the fuckin’ gods.’
He puts the chairs down and then goes back to the door window to help Kanaya
with her chairs.
‘So, you embarrass yourself yet?’ Dave asks.
You don’t know whether you’re allowed to flashstep or not. You really want to
pretend like Cal’s the one in the kitchen talking to people. Though you tend to
be really fucking mean when you talk through him, so maybe it’s better if you
don’t. Still, would be nice to hold his little hand through this.
‘I’ll take that awkward silence as a yes,’ Dave says. John is now bringing his
chairs in, not even struggling a bit with their weight.
‘Bro was just providing a fascinating comparison for your own tendency to
ramble when unsure.’
‘Bro’s never unsure,’ Dave says with confidence. ‘He was probably being
ironic.’
You fucking love your kid.
‘You have no fucking concept of what irony means!’ Karkat says.
‘Dude, he made me write essays on irony for my English grade. I am well versed
in irony.’
‘You’re the reason he’s like this?’ Karkat demands, turning on you.
‘I would love to take credit for Dave, but despite my efforts to raise him to
be an almost identical copy of myself, he’s his own person.’ You wipe away a
pretend tear while speaking with zero inflection. ‘He has different shades and
everything.’
‘Bro,’ Dave says, face blank as ever.
‘Bro,’ you reply.
He comes over to the kitchen and you have a manly bro hug, complete with
hitting each other on the back as hard as you can. Well, as hard as he can. You
reign yourself in a bit. That done, Dave closes the curtains firmly and you all
sit awkwardly in a circle.
‘Dude, I really should be catching up on my sewing,’ you say to Dave. ‘Can I do
that while we convene at this imaginary round table?’
‘Nope,’ Dave says.
You sigh. You feel like you should be the one making the rules sometimes. You
suppose you understand, but you really would have felt more comfortable with
something to do with your hands.
‘You sew?’ Kanaya asks.
‘Yeah. Pretty badass, right?’
‘I have always believed so,’ she says. She speaks carefully, like maybe English
isn’t her first language, but without accent.
‘What do you sew?’ you ask, and you’re so impressed with yourself, having a
pleasant conversation with a new person.
‘Clothes,’ she says. ‘I make most of my own clothes and several pieces for
friends as well. I am consistently disappointed by their ambivalence towards
fashion, but they seem to appreciate the gesture, nonetheless. What do you
sew?’
‘Yeah, Kanaya made me that sweet pirate costume I wore for Halloween,’ Dave
says before you can reply.
‘She has made me a rather beautiful dress, too, I haven’t had the occasion to
wear it yet,’ Rose says. ‘I made her a pair of mittens in return.’
‘So those needles aren’t just for show,’ you say.
She gives you an sly smile. You gotta strife with her some time.
‘I don’t get it,’ John says. ‘Is Bro not allowed to talk about sewing?’
‘ Dude ,’ Dave says. ‘You’ve  seen  his puppets.’
‘Oh …’ John says.
‘Dave finds my puppets creepy, but folks pay good money to see my show,’ you
say. You go and grab Cal from the shower where you put him so he would startle
Dave during his post-skate wash and bring him back, sitting him on your lap
with care.
‘Is that … a ventriloquist doll?’ Kanaya asks.
‘Yup.’
‘I thought your whole fucking thing was that you can’t achieve the same level
of rad as your brother and every sweet trick you did got you one step closer,’
Karkat says with the air of quoting something distasteful. ‘How is a puppet
master your senpai?’
You look to Dave to see how he’ll rebut this. Just a few years ago he stoically
maintained that Lil Cal was cool even when it was obvious he was freaked the
fuck out by him. Now, he’s open about his distrust of your innocent puppet. You
think maybe having Cal feed Dave most of his food when he was too little to
hold a spoon has probably scarred him for life. You thought it was funny at the
time.
‘Look, I’m not saying that puppet isn’t possessed by the devil, or that it
should be allowed in the house, but Bro’s routine is categorically good. Not up
for discussion.’
You flashstep so that Cal is now sitting on Dave’s shoulder and are back in
your seat so fast that your image doesn’t even waver. Dave bears this well,
reaching up to fistbump Cal, whose fist you also obligingly lift, seemingly
without moving. John and Rose look appropriately impressed, but Kanaya looks
shocked and Karkat drops two sickles from his sylladex.
‘You got a problem with my boy?’ you ask.
‘What the fucking fuck?’ Karkat says.
‘Possessed by the devil, you say, Dave?’ Kanaya says.
‘Bro uses flashsteps to puppet him and make it look like he’s rapping. You’ve
seen me flashstep before. It’s hard and it’s rare but it’s not worth getting
your sickle in a twist.’
Ha, like panties. Sickles are totally the panties of blade varieties.
Karkat recaptchalogues his sickles.
‘You’re not that fast,’ he says.
‘He’s not me,’ you say, and whoops, you may have done that a bit aggressively.
You'd try and smile reassuringly, but Dave has told you before you don't have a
reassuring smile at all.
There’s a tense moment.
‘Welp, this is as much social interaction as I’m comfortable with,’ you say,
easing slowly out of your chair, telegraphing your movements so you don't freak
out the humans any more. ‘I’m gonna go make your computer unusable.’
Dave sighs and nods.
Whoop. Permission to be a loner again.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
You end up baking Dave cookies after he brings home friends and you acted like
a butt because you feel guilty and because you weren’t sure that making him a
shitty wallpaper in Paint rather than wrecking his computer like you said you
would covered it. He shares them with Rose because he’s a good kid. Probably
didn’t even cross his mind to hoard them to himself.
You hear him explaining to Rose that you’re not good with change, that you feel
the need to obsess over all the details of a situation before you’re cool with
it and that maybe they should be taking slightly smaller steps with socialising
you. Like you’re a grumpy rescue dog or something. You gather that after she
told her friends she was staying with you they felt the need to check up on
her. You’re not sure if you gave a bad impression at Dave’s party or if Dave
has just made one too many not-quite-ironic comments about you. Maybe Rose just
inspires the kind of caring that makes people want to make sure she’s okay.
Dave mustn’t be good at convincing Rose, because two days later he warns you
he’s bringing John and Jade home with them after school. Your new couch arrives
just before they do. You tip the delivery guys for dragging it up all the
stairs and give them both a glass of water. They’re still there when the kids
burst in.
‘Hi Bro!’ John calls. ‘Woah, you really did get another couch!’
You don’t really know if you’re supposed to introduce the delivery guys so you
just stand there silently.
Dave leads the kids to his room to show off some music and perhaps give you
space to get rid of the guys.
‘They all yours?’ the chatty delivery guy asks.
‘Nah, the blonde ones are my brother and sister, but all their friends call me
Bro too.’
‘Ah,’ the other one says. When you look, he blushes. ‘Sorry, you just did look
a bit young for it.’
‘Thanks,’ you say dryly.
‘We better be getting out of your hair,’ Chatty says. ‘Cheers for the water.’
‘Yeah, no problem. Thanks for coming all the way up,’ you say.
As soon as they’re out the door, Dave flashsteps out.
‘Dude, I told you we were gonna have company,’ he says
‘Dude, they were just delivering the couch,’ you say, mimicking his tone.
‘Oh.’
‘What, did you think I’d just had a gay threesome?’ you ask, cocking your head
to the side.
‘I don’t know …’ The shades help, but he looks embarrassed as hell. Your job to
make that worse.
‘I think I can do better than delivery guys,’ you say.
‘I don’t want to think about it,’ Dave says.
‘Not that I couldn’t convince them to stay if I had a mind to.’
‘ Bro .’
‘Of course pornos have been started on less …’
‘Can we not?’
‘My pornos, especially, have had some very dubious storylines.’
Dave starts to walk away. You don’t change your volume at all. He can still
hear you.
‘There was one, I can’t remember the name, man, that’s frustrating, but there
was one where I was getting changed and my “straight” roommate was so impressed
by my naked form that he dropped to his knees.’
Dave groans.
‘That was it, there was no examining why he was so sure he was straight when
clearly  he was not, there was no speculation towards what our share house
would look like after he sucked the platonic out of our friendship, there was
just a sexy, sexy dude, converting all the straights with his magic cock.’
‘What  are  you talking about?’ Rose asks from the doorway.
‘Sports,’ Dave says.
‘Porn,’ you say.
Dave glares at you.
‘Dave thought those dudes were gentleman callers of mine,’ you say. ‘I was just
reassuring him that they were only here delivering the couch.’
‘Ah,’ Rose says with a smirk. ‘Shall we arrange the couch into a more logical
position?’
You gesture to welcome her to it. John immediately lends his services. Rose
directs the boys until the two couches make an L shape towards the TV.
Dave starts up the fighting game, but you’ve messed around with it since John
came over so now the attack button switches to a different button every time
you use it. Dave gets the hang of it pretty quickly, Rose is frustrated as
hell, but the biggest surprise is that Jade consistently wins. You think she’s
just mashing all the buttons at random at first, but she just seems to be
uncannily good at guessing random sequences.
‘I’m usually quite good at games,’ Rose says mildly. You think that’s her
version of throwing the controller.
You swap to a racing game where if you attempt to drift you just float away
forever through the side of the game.
‘You lot staying for tea?’ you ask them.
‘Uh, if that’s okay?’ John says, not taking his eyes off the game.
‘Pasta okay?’
Four nods. Cool. You can do pasta. You just do what it says on the jar.
As you cook, you call the rehab facility to check in on Roxy. You’ve been
putting it off for a while, not because the centre told you to, just because
you feel awkward about it.
‘Hey Rox,’ you say.
Rose suddenly is at the fridge getting a soft drink. You raise your eyebrow at
her and she shrugs and leans against the fridge.
‘Hey Dirkie,’ she says. ‘I’m not fixed yet.’
‘Whatever,’ you say. ‘I’m not calling for you, I’m calling for me.’
‘Oh yeah? Gimme some drama, will ya?’
‘Dave thought I was screwing the guys who dropped off my new couch.’
‘Were you?’
‘Nah, I knew he was coming home, didn’t want to chance it.’ You smirk for
Rose’s benefit. ‘You making friends?’
‘Ah … turns out they may have had a point on the addiction thing. I’ve been
keeping to my room to ride it out.’
‘Shit, babe.’
‘Yeah, well …’
‘Did you want to talk to Rose?’
She hesitates. You kinda wish Rose had kept to the other room so she wouldn’t
have had to hear her mom hesitate.
‘Yeah, god, I miss her like crazy, isn’t that pathetic.’
‘Super pathetic,’ you agree. You hand over the phone.
‘Mom?’ Rose says. You go back to your cooking to give her the illusion of
privacy.
‘Hey honey,’ you hear Roxy say.
‘How are you?’ Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Rose is holding the
phone with both hands, like it’s a landline to her mom. Shit, should you have
called earlier for Rose's sake?
‘I’m okay, Rosie. It’s boring as shit here, let’s not talk about it. How’s
school?’
‘Fine. Only a week left, so everyone’s kinda given up, just talking about
Christmas all the time.’
‘How’s your girl?’
‘She’s good. I brought her home to Bro.’
‘How’d that go?’
‘He talked all nice with her about sewing.’
Roxy gives a dry laugh.
‘He show off his puppets?’
‘Just Cal.’
‘Man, Lil Cal … Give the guy a fistbump for me.’
‘I will.’
They’re quiet for a while.
‘Rosie, I gotta go, but you get Dirk to call me again soon, won’t you. I’ll
have more to say once I get settled.’
‘Okay.’
‘I love you.’
Rose looks at you awkwardly, before saying, ‘love you, too.’
‘Pop me back onto your dad real quick, okay?’
Rose hands over the phone and retreats back to the lounge.
‘Sup, Rox?’
‘I didn’t get her a Christmas present before I got checked in, can you deal
with that?’
‘Any hints?’
‘Books are always good. I always get her a wizard of some kind. Voucher for the
mall?’
‘I’ll figure something out.’ You hesitate, mindful of your sneaky kids
eavesdropping. ‘Dave?’
‘Oh my god, I didn’t even think. Worst mom ever. Would you mind?’
‘I got you. Uh … I don’t know how to put your spin on it, though.’
‘Sure you do, you know me better than anyone.’
‘Maybe 20 years ago …’
‘Believe me, sweet cheeks, your only competition in that regard is Rose.’
You’re not sure whether that makes you happy or sad. You sign off and finish
making the pasta. The kids are all happy to eat on the couches, which is good
because that’s the only way they’re eating. You disappear up into your crawl
space so you don’t have to pretend to eat. You’d only do that if someone was
getting all suspicious. You hate how long human food stays in your stomach
while it slowly gets absorbed into your bloodstream. You wait half an hour
before going downstairs.
‘Bro!’ Jade says as soon as she sees you. ‘Dave says you make robots too!’
‘Yeah. Wait, too?’
‘I won our science competition this year with a little robotic rabbit!’
You look over to the other kids but they’re all busy playing a racing game.
When the game isn’t fucked, Rose always wins. Dave only really plays when you
ask him to.
‘You got it on you?’
She pulls a rabbit out of her sylladex.
‘Oh my god, it’s an android? Like, only part robotics?’
‘Yeah, it was pretty tricky to get the wiring right without ruining the
structural integrity of the toy.’
‘I bet …’ You take the rabbit to your robotics workbench and open up the panel
on his chest. You peer through your magnifier and admire the delicate
circuitry. ‘Shit, kid, this is impressive,’ you say.
‘What do you make?’
You hesitate. You flashstep over to the couch and stick your head on the Rose
side of Dave.
‘Jade wants to know about my robotics.’
‘She’s not a prude, just tell her.’
‘I need a new list of rules.’
‘Make Rose do it.’
You flashstep back to Jade.
‘I make sex toys,’ you tell her.
‘Oh,’ she says.
‘I also have made one robot who raps, but he’s childishly easy to beat. I’ve
never lost a battle to him and Dave’s been able to win since he was eight.’
‘Can I see him?’
You drop Squarewave out of your sylladex and resign yourself to a barrage of
enthusiastic but outdated slang. He doesn’t disappoint.
Jade wins and Squarewave settles down enough to let her open him up and take a
look at him.
You end up talking tech with Jade for over an hour until the other kids come
over to check up on you. You look up from your pile of smuppets to meet Rose’s
look of sarcastic judgement.
‘Having fun?’ Rose asks.
‘John!’ Jade says. ‘Bro has the neatest metalwork I’ve ever seen, see how
flexible this is!’ She holds out the inside of a puppet nose-dong for John’s
examination. He holds his hands up in protest.
‘Nooooo …’ he says.
‘Oh, no one’s  used  it,’ she says. ‘It is the cleverest thing, it’s so
intuitive!’
Dave gives you a bemused look.
‘It’s a school night,’ Rose reminds Jade.
‘Your butt’s a school night,’ Jade replies.
You snigger because you were just talking advanced robotics with this kid and
now she’s poking her tongue out like she’s five.
‘Can I take this home?’ she asks.
Dave flashsteps away and puts on his headphones, like he can retroactively not
hear that.
‘Yeah, sure, take these two as well. Captchalogue ‘em now so Dave doesn’t have
an aneurism seeing you carrying them out. And don’t get me in trouble with your
parents.’
You dole out generous fistbumps to both John and Jade and then they’re gone.
‘You gave her smuppets,’ Dave says.
You look at him blankly, neither confirming nor denying.
‘Dave doesn’t think I can beat you,’ Rose says gesturing to the TV.
You grab a controller and start playing.
‘I hope you don’t mind the increase in visitors,’ she says.
‘I’m chill,’ you say.
‘So I’ve heard. But do you mind?’
‘Brat.’ You knock her character out with a combo move. ‘I’m fine. I mean, you
could ease me into it. But tonight was good.’
‘Yes, John and Jade are rather entry level friends. Very easy to impress. Not a
lot of pressure.’
‘I suppose.’
‘Whereas if I was to, say, bring my girlfriend around, whose character, I have
been told, is alarmingly close to my own, would that be a problem?’
‘Dude, I already met Kanaya, she’s chill.’ You look over at Dave while the next
round loads. ‘But I’m not allowed to show  her  my smuppets, right?’
Dave shakes his head. Rose starts dealing damage to your character while your
focus is elsewhere.
‘And … her family doesn’t do Christmas, they’re Hindus, but she’s curious to
see what it involves. Would it be okay if I invited her here?’
‘Uh … dropping a lot on me, kid.’ Rose kills your character. ‘Fuck.’ She
smirks. ‘Dude, what do humans do for Christmas?’
‘You don’t do Christmas?’ Rose asks.
‘No, we do!’ Dave says. ‘He got me a motherfucking robot pony last year.’
‘How have you shown me literally every other possession you have but not the
robot pony?’
‘And you make me food all day, that’s pretty normal, right?’ Dave says,
ignoring Rose.
‘Most cooks don’t make a game out of trying to get their kid to throw up from
eating too much …’ you say.
‘Bullshit, I haven’t thrown up in years.’
‘Yeah, it’s become a weird fascination for me to see just how much your
freakish teenage body is able to eat.’
‘Anyway,’ Rose says, interrupting whatever Dave’s retort would have been. ‘It
doesn’t have to be perfect, I just thought it might be nice.’
‘Rose, you know what you would say to me if I was acting like you are?’ Dave
says.
‘My, what a capable young man you’ve become,’ Rose says.
Dave ignores her entirely.
‘You’d say I was trying to distract myself from my distressing home
circumstances by rushing into a holiday with my girlfriend. You’d say I wasn’t
nearly as social before and you just wonder if my coping mechanisms are
entirely healthy.’
‘Dude,’ you say. That was pretty heavy and pointy.
Rose turns the TV off and places her controller in its spot.
‘I am doing that,’ she says, eventually, looking Dave steadily in the eye. ‘Do
you have a problem with me choosing to worry about the relationship that I have
some modicum of control over?’
‘No, I just wanted to point out …’
‘Yes, well, distraction might be a temporary fix, but I don’t see how I am
supposed to deal with this head on. No psychological breakthrough is going to
change the circumstances.’
‘Not Mom’s circumstances, but maybe yours,’ Dave says.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean that if you adjust to what’s happening, maybe you’ll be happier here
and you won’t feel the need to fill our antisocial vampire dad’s house full of
people.’
‘Kanaya can come to Christmas,’ you blurt out.
Dave and Rose look at you.
‘I was going to see if we could do Christmas dinner with your mom, see if
that’s a thing I can wangle with the rehab dudes, but Christmas lunch, yeah,
fuck it, bring Kanaya.’
‘Bro, you don’t have to prove your social competence,’ Dave says.
‘Stop saying shit like “social competence”,’ you tell him. ‘If having people
over is making this easier for you, have people over. But not tomorrow night.
We’re looking at a new apartment tomorrow night, I don’t need to worry about
accidentally losing someone else’s kid’ Nice distract, Bro. Shit, when did your
kid get into the psycho babble bullshit that Rose pulls out?
Rose immediately starts asking questions about the apartment, so you get out
your laptop to show her. Dave looks over your shoulder, like he’s only vaguely
curious. You’ve had this place since the 70s, Dave’s never known anywhere else.
Holy fuck have real estate prices gone up since then.
Chapter End Notes
     If any of you lovely readers would like to comment or DM me on Tumblr
     with suggestions for Christmas, that would be rad. Presents,
     activities, food, all that stuff would be useful. https://
     www.tumblr.com/blog/megalaurasaurasrex
***** Chapter 8 *****
The realtor is a very smiley man in a nice suit. You like his chances, if only
because you were super specific with what you want: three bedrooms, top floor,
exclusive access to a roof, good insulation so the downstairs neighbours won’t
complain about sound.
Within 10 seconds you determine that the place he’s showing you meets all these
criteria and you don’t care anymore. You let the kids explore and debate over
which bedroom they want and wonder where things would go.
You make small talk with the realtor like a fucking pro for 10 minutes until
they’ve had enough of arranging imaginary furniture.
‘So?’ you ask.
‘I think I should get the biggest bedroom,’ Dave says. ‘On account of Rose
probably not staying here as long as me.’
‘I like it,’ Rose says, ignoring Dave completely. ‘Would we be allowed to paint
our rooms?’
‘Yeah, but that’s true of any place, not this apartment specifically.’
‘The kitchen is very good for its price,’ the realtor says, trying to draw you
back into conversation.
‘What do you think, Dave?’ you ask. ‘He’s the best cook,’ you tell the realtor.
‘Yeah, better than the one we have,’ he says, like he doesn’t care.
‘Can we see the roof?’ you ask.
The realtor leads the way. You all admire the view for a moment before you pace
out a measurement.
‘Bigger than our roof. More room to move.’
‘Move?’ the realtor asks.
‘I set my gym up on our roof,’ you say.
Rose and Dave nod their approval.
‘Okay, how do I buy this thing,’ you ask.
The realtor gets you to fill out a few forms, making an offer and some bank
stuff and then gives you a bunch of papers on co-op boards and building
inspectors and insurance. The kids wander back to their chosen rooms to plan it
all out.
‘Right, so when can I get in here?’ you ask the realtor.
He looks at you like he’s not sure if you’re serious. You probably should have
read the paperwork you just signed more carefully.
‘Well, they have to accept your offer first, which I’m sure they will, and then
there’s typically a 60 day settlement.’
‘Any way you can speed that up?’
‘I’ll mention to the owners that you want to settle quickly.’
‘Super quick,’ you say.
‘Well, as you can see, they’ve already vacated, so they’ll probably be fine
with that …’
You’re pretty glad to get out of there. You liked the apartment fine, but
realtors are exactly the kind of adult you generally like to avoid. Really,
anyone that might ask questions as to how old you are and how you got your
money and why your father and grandfather had the same name as you and wow you
can sure see the resemblance!
You take the kids to a little cafe around the corner for dessert for dinner.
When you see the waitress, you’re surprised that you recognise her.
‘Hey, Ellie,’ you say, awkwardly taking off your shades and hooking them into
your shirt.
‘Bro!’ she says. ‘Um … nice to see you again.’
‘Yup …’
Dave kicks you under the table. Can’t he see you’re having a really awkward
moment here?
‘Uh, this is my brother, Dave, I told you about him. And his friend Rose. Kids,
this is Ellie.’
Ellie waves awkwardly.
‘Can I get you something?’ she asks.
‘Can I get a double serve of the pancakes?’ Dave asks.
‘I’d like a single serve, please,’ Rose says.
‘I’ll just have a coffee,’ you say.
‘Oh, can I get a coffee too?’ Dave says.
‘You can have a hot chocolate,’ you say. ‘I’m not sitting up with you all night
on a caffeine high.’
‘Fine.’
‘I’ll have an earl grey, please.’
Ellie writes it all down and smiles as she walks away.
‘So …’ Dave says. He and Rose have identical smirks on, like they’ve caught you
out. ‘How d’you know Ellie?’
‘How does anyone know anyone,’ you wonder.
‘You introduce yourself as Bro?’ Rose asks.
‘Yeah, well …’
‘Did you bite her?’
‘Shit, Dave, you want villagers with pitchforks?’
‘But did you?’
You hate their smug little faces.
‘... Yes,’ you say.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever met one of your …’ Dave struggles to find the right
word.
‘Lovers?’ Rose offers.
‘You’ve met Roxy,’ you mutter.
They both crinkle their noses.
‘What? You’re  proof  we were …’ you struggle to find the word for what you and
Roxy were.
‘Lovers?’ Rose offers, considerably more reluctantly.
‘We really need better words,’ you say.
Ellie comes around with your drinks, effectively ending that conversation.
‘You look weird without your shades,’ Dave says when she leaves.
‘Yeah, well, I think I did pretty well at convincing her I’m a normal guy,
don’t want to ruin it with … being me.’
‘I think you look nice without them,’ Rose says. ‘Much more human.’
‘Yeah, well, don’t stare at my eyes too much.’
‘Were they a different colour before?’ she asks.
‘Yeah, stock standard brown. Roxy’s were blue.’
Rose’s eyes widen in shock.
‘But she’s not …  like you ,’ she says.
‘Nah, but she was my,’ you sneak a peek at the rest of the cafe to make sure no
one’s near, ‘my  thrall  for four years. It had an impact.’ Did she think Roxy
was born with bright pink eyes? You suppose it suits her.
‘That how she can flashstep too?’ Dave asks.
‘Yeah.’
‘What about people like Ellie?’ says Dave. ‘Like, she’s a one-off, right?’
‘Yeah. Tiny boost for a couple months, unless I bite her again. It’s pretty
cool to see, actually. Humans really enjoy being super. I don’t know who wore
it better, your mom or Jake.’
Rose meets your eyes again. She keeps doing it and it’s making you feel
nervous, like you’re gonna accidentally send her to sleep. You might ask Dave
to give her his shades if she doesn’t stop.
‘Who’s Jake?’ she asks.
You look at Dave. He shrugs.
‘Not my story to tell, Bro,’ he says. ‘Besides, I barely know.’
‘Right. Well, Jake was a boy I knew when I was—’ Dave kicks your leg and you
see that Ellie has brought the pancakes. Good save, Dave. ‘Younger,’ you
finish, not wanting Ellie to think you’re not saying something for her sake.
‘Thanks,’ you say to her with a smile.
She gives you a wink and goes back the kitchen.
‘We met when we were 14, even before I met Luke. Luke was the guy who turned
me. Jake was just a kid at school. He got worried when I was all under Luke’s
spell. He … look, it was awkward as hell, but it took til he was 30 for us to
get together.’
Rose looks like she’s going to ask questions but maybe she realises that this
small, only mostly empty cafe is hardly the place. People might not be
listening now, but if you started talking about something as interesting as the
story of how you and Jake happened, they probably would.
‘Anyway, he … passed away a year before I met your mom. He was only 55. He was
so fucking gung ho about everything. I think that was a bit my fault. He wanted
adventure, and he was so strong because of me. Still, you can’t wrestle a
bullet.’
Rose is looking at you again.
‘Lil sis, you gotta stop looking me in the eye or I’m making you wear Dave’s
shades.’
‘Are we not immune to your powers?’ she asks.
‘Not exactly gonna test how far that theory goes,’ you tell her.
‘Hmmm,’ she says. She takes Dave’s shades from him. He makes a sound of
protest, but he’s preoccupied with his pancakes. He eats so much. You’re fairly
sure you never ate  that  much.
‘Dave, I want to see if I can use suggestion on you,’ she says.
He swallows his bite and looks her in the eye, but he looks pretty cross at not
being able to keep eating. He looks a lot younger without the shades.
‘Give me your pancakes,’ Rose says.
‘Fuck no,’ says Dave, not breaking eye contact.
‘You can’t just jump straight into asking them to do something they really
don’t want to do,’ you say, barely stopping yourself from rolling your eyes.
‘Noted. Um … scratch your nose.’
‘Nah,’ says Dave. His nose twitches a little, though, like maybe it’s itchy.
‘Snap your fingers.’
‘You gotta do better than this,’ Dave says.
‘Fine, you show me how it’s done.’
Dave cocks his head to the side and smiles. You see how it warms his whole face
up.
‘Smile, Rose,’ he says.
She smiles.
‘Oh,’ she says.
‘You been practicing that on innocent folk?’ you ask Dave, trying to sound
stern and definitely not proud.
‘Nah, just comes in handy if someone’s asking after why I’m not in school or
whatever.’
‘You’re stronger, aren’t you?’ Rose asks you.
‘Yep.’
‘Can I see?’
‘It’s not a friendly power. When I tell people to do things, they think that’s
the thing they want to do most in the world.’
She’s not trying to meet your eyes now.
‘I thought my stubbornness would keep me from doing anything Dave asked me to,’
she says quietly. ‘But I really wanted to smile.’
‘Let’s do something else. You want to learn to flashstep?’
She looks up without thinking, but then turns to look just beside your head at
the last second. She’s smiling again.
‘I’d really like that.’
 
The realtor calls the next day to say that your offer has been accepted. You
tell him that you want the shortest possible settlement, and he reminds you
that Christmas is a thing before agreeing that you can have the keys on the 3rd
of January.
You’re pretty impressed with yourself.
Until you remember that it’s a week and a half til Christmas and you haven’t
gotten anything.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Rose helps you decorate the apartment while Dave’s at the skatepark one
afternoon. You get the impression they’re starting to tread on each other’s
toes a bit. You hope that gets better in the new apartment.
Rose and you have a very different relationship when Dave isn’t around. When
Dave’s around, she asks questions about your past, about your vampireness,
about your feelings, and you get this sense she’s testing how much you’re
willing to reveal, showing Dave he could have just asked if he wanted to know
and helping Dave know your past all at the same time. When you’re alone, she
doesn’t bother with games like that. She sometimes sings as she does things, or
rants about her schoolwork or just does what she’s doing without talking. She
insists on putting on carols while you decorate, and you find yourself singing
along too. You don’t sing super often, if only because you like the way mixing
takes up your whole attention in a way that singing doesn’t, but it’s nice to
harmonise with Rose and Michael Buble to songs that have been around even
longer than you.
Rose is giving you a lecture on the narrative devices in  The Great Gatsby
while you are struggling to untangle lights when Dave flings the door open and
bursts inside. You both look to him immediately. He has a huge grin on his
face.
‘Karkat kissed me!’ he announces.
‘Yeah dog!’ you say, holding your fist out for a bump. He hugs you instead. You
raise your eyebrows to Rose over Dave’s head. Dave lets you go and hugs her as
well. He rips the curtain back from the window and you dodge into the kitchen
before the light can burn you. He races up the stairs as Rose tugs the curtain
back in place.
‘I think he’s literally going to shout it from the rooftop,’ Rose says.
You hear whooping from above you. You and Rose look up at the ceiling as if
you’ll be able to see what he’s doing through it.
‘Take my phone and video it,’ you tell Rose. ‘Fuck the sun. Just … fuck the sun
and fuck sunset and fuck vampirism.’
She takes your phone and does her version of a flashstep to the window. She’s
not super fast yet, but it’s neat enough. You scowl at the sunlight when she
leaves and then realise you’re trapped in the kitchen until one of them comes
down and closes the curtain again or until the sun sets. And you gave her your
phone. You pout, because there’s no one to see you.
Rose comes down after 10 minutes and shows you the video she took. Dave’s
bouncing around your gym equipment like a rabbit on speed.
‘Apparently he went to the romance celebration school of Disney’s  Hercules ,’
Rose says.
‘No kidding,’ you say.
The sun sets before Dave comes down. When you get up to the roof he's lying on
the bench press. He turns towards you with a massive grin.
You sit on the floor next to him, leaning up against his hip.
'Worn yourself out, kid?’
'I can't feel my arms,’ he says. 'Or my face. Can you strain your face from
smiling too much?’
'Ha. Not taking you to the doctor for that.’
'I’m real happy,’ Dave says.
You knock your head against his hip a couple of times to express your support
without having to say something … actually supportive.
'What happened?’
'Aw, dude, it was the best, I said I was going to grab ice cream and he came
with and then we had this … god, this  moment , I don't know how to describe
it, and he just got all intense all of a sudden and  quiet , he's usually so
loud and … Bro, he likes me  back , how fucking awesome is that?’
'I’m really happy for you, dude,’ you say and it's a mark of how happy Dave is
that he doesn't doubt you, he just smiles. You don’t ask him what the fuck he
was getting ice cream for in the middle of winter because you really aren’t the
authority on food or temperature. Maybe that’s normal now. 'So, good kisser?’
you ask.
His blush tells you all you need to know.
You remember when he came home at 12, mildly terrified because a skater chick
had kissed him and he didn’t know how he felt about it. He decided he felt good
about it and you got to endure artsy photos of their held hands in black and
white for a couple months before the girl got bored and ditched him.
You remember he was 14 before he told you he’d kissed anyone new, this time a
girl who ran away in a fit of giggles after he kissed her. He’d been hung up on
her for ages, that girl who made him daisy chain necklaces and leaned on him
all the time but spooked whenever Dave approached her.
He’s probably had other crushes, maybe even other kisses that he’s kept to
himself, but you love that he includes you in his life, tells you stuff like
this, even if it isn’t all of it.
‘So, did you ask him out?’ you say.
‘I didn’t want to ruin it,’ he says. ‘I just walked him home, kissed him again
on the doorstep and came home. Do you think I should have?’
‘Nah. You gonna eventually?’
He rolls off the bench press to sit next to you.
‘It’s gonna be tricky. He’s crazy romantic. I’d have to make some kind of
gesture.’
‘This is grouchy kid, right?  He’s  a romantic?’
Dave laughs. Holy shit, it’s like he’s high. So many emotions being expressed.
‘He goes to all those girly movies with John, that’s how we met. John thought
we’d get along, no idea why. John just thinks everyone will like everyone.’
‘Oh god, you have to do a teen movie proposal?’
‘And he’ll hate it if he thinks I’m making fun of it with irony.’
‘But you haven’t had a huge fight that could be resolved with a simple
conversation!’
Dave lets his head drop onto your shoulder.
‘Is there a movie where that doesn’t happen? I don’t want to pick a fight for
the sake of romance.’
‘’Fraid not, lil bro. They gotta have conflict, else there’s no story, and rom
coms refuse to have non-rom conflict.’
You sit in silence, contemplating that for a bit. Then you stand and pull him
up too. ‘We need a movie marathon, kid. Gotta do some research.’
You flash downstairs and call for pizza while you scroll through the movies on
your laptop. You pull Rose out of their room and get her input as well. She’s
sitting through this terrible marathon too. After the pizza arrives you get
Rose to tell the story of how she and Kanaya got together.
‘It was two years ago. I had written her a poem, which, upon reflection, was a
bit heavy handed. But she appreciated it and correctly interpreted it as an
invitation to romantic entanglement.’
‘You still got the poem?’ you ask.
‘... Yes.’
‘How heavy handed?’
‘... Quite.’
‘What do I have to do to get my hands on it?’
Rose looks contemplative for a moment.
‘First, tell me the story of how you wooed Mother.’
‘I didn’t woo Rox!’ you protest. ‘She just kept breaking into my apartment!’
‘That’s all it took? Availability?’ Dave asks.
‘It’s not a story you tell your kids,’ you say firmly. Shit, they’re the age
she was when she was seducing you. That is not a comforting thought. ‘On that
topic,’ you say, ‘please tell me I don’t need to be having the “be safe” talk
with you.’
Dave groans.
‘Because if you need me to buy you things, I would rather you ask me for them
than get sick or something.’
Dave groans louder.
‘You know what, I’m gonna buy stuff for you anyway, I don’t need to know if
you’re using it or not, it’ll just put my mind at ease.’
‘I’m in a lesbian relationship,’ Rose points out.
‘Sure, if you got pregnant I’d be pretty fucking surprised, but all sorts of
infections can happen if you’re not using the right stuff to clean toys or —’
Dave makes a noise like an injured dinosaur over your sentence.
‘I know you’re more resilient to human disease but you have partners as well
that you need to look after,’ you point out.
‘We’re more resilient to human disease?’ Rose asks.
‘Yeah. Basically just perks from my side of the genetic pool, am I right?’
‘What’s our lifespan looking like?’ Rose says.
‘Uh … I don’t really know. I didn’t realise I could have kids, don’t know any
other vamps who’ve done this …’
‘Is there not someone you can ask?’
‘Luke would have known, he was  old  … but he was also pissed off with his
vampire buddies, so I never got a chance to have a good old chat with them,
swap addresses, whatever. I don’t think vampires are that common, so vampire
kids can’t be either.’
‘Huh,’ Rose said.
‘No one knows how long they’ll live,’ Dave points out. ‘Can we get back to the
important stuff? Like how I don’t have a spare doomed luxury ship, so Kate and
Leo aren’t exactly giving me anything good inspiration wise?’
 
You end up being snack and drink bitch because Dave is too busy texting John
for movie advice and Rose is too busy making fun of Dave for trusting John’s
movie advice. You don’t even eat, stupid lazy kids.
‘Have you seriously never done a big romantic gesture for anyone?’ he asks you
in desperation after he turns off Failure to Launch less than 20 minutes into
it in disgust.
‘My dick’s the only big romantic gesture I need,’ you say, deadpan.
Dave’s palm slaps into his face so quickly it seems involuntary.
‘That doesn’t even make sense,’ he says.
You shrug.
‘Still funny though.’ You rub at your jaw while you think. You never had to woo
Jake, but you did fight a bit, mostly over your refusal to turn him into a
vampire and his refusal to act like he had a human body that could die. Did you
ever do anything nice to say sorry? ‘Uh, I once made a bunch of origami
monsters out of my favourite book. Like, couldn’t even walk in the hut without
stepping on the things.’
‘And that was something … Jake? Wanted?’
‘Yeah, Jake. Um, no, actually, he told me I was ridiculous, but it was effort,
that was what counted. And he liked when I did creative things. I was always
trying to upgrade his gear, and he thought that was clever, but he liked the
pretty things a lot better for whatever reason.’
‘And then, what, you asked him out?’
‘Nah, that was just me apologising for being super clingy all the time. Pretty
hard not to be though, when you’re a vampire on a tropical island.’
‘How did you ask him out though!’ Dave says.
Oh my god, this kid is so freaking out. Should you point out that he’s not
exactly Danny Zuko cool at the moment? Ha, no, but you should totally watch
Grease next.
‘I didn’t, he just grabbed my hand and told me to go with him, that he’d
protect me.’
Dave looks so confused.
‘He didn’t know I was a vampire, and he was this little tank of a guy, coming
in guns blazing, I dunno … Hadn’t seen him since school and he grew up  nice ,
so I just went with him.’
‘But you’re … you,’ he says.
You give him an eyebrow. Yes, you are indeed you.
‘Nah, I just mean … you don’t exactly fit the bill for damsel in distress …’
You shrug.
‘Is that really it? Make him some paper monsters, that’s all you got?’
You shrug again.
Dave collapses face first on the couch and moans.
You put Grease on and sit on Dave’s back, his fault for taking up all the
couch. Hell yes. Rose rolls her eyes at you from the other couch, but you see
her, subtly tapping her foot to the awesomeness that is Tell Me More.
 
It’s two whole days of freaking out before Dave figures out what he needs to
do. He banishes you and Rose from the house one night and tells you he’s
commandeering your sound gear. You and Rose try to go to the roof for that
strife you keep putting off (can’t lose control, can’t hurt your Rose, want to
see needlekind strife) but he says that’s too close, so you take her bowling
instead.
You both get really competitive. You’d probably have ended up staying all
night, each of you trying to win while doing stupid things so it looks like you
don’t really care if you win. Rose wins that battle with a gorgeous guitar
slide that somehow got her a strike.
When Dave texts you telling you it’s okay to come back home you’re tempted to
play another game, just so it doesn’t seem like you’re at his beck and call,
but you’re super curious.
When you get inside, he gives you and Rose both headphones and then flashes up
to the roof. You didn’t think he could get anymore worked up, but there he went
and did it like a fucking champ. You press play.
Soft piano to start, then a heavy bassline, because, yeah, it’s Dave, he can’t
get away from the bass. But it works. You listen quietly to the intro, pretty
sure you recognise the song, and then it starts proper. Holy shit, Dave’s
voice, that’s adorable. And yeah, this is a perfect song.  You have stolen my
heart , nice and sweet. But not so scary as all the songs that have the dreaded
“L” word in them. It’s somehow mixed so that it’s more dancey and softer than
the original, subbing the guitar for a slower keyboard riff and with that
verging-on-trance bassline weaving through.
‘I don’t think I can make fun of him for this,’ you say to Rose.
‘No, I think that might be very much a dick move,’ she says.
‘Nah, I don’t care about that. I just mean I think he’s done too good a job for
me to make fun of it.’
‘Oh. Well, that too.’
You take Rose’s headphones from her and put them on their proper hook next to
yours before you lead the way up to the roof. Dave’s doing pull ups. He doesn’t
stop when you walk over.
‘’Sup?’ you ask him.
‘Nope,’ he says, dropping from the bar. ‘Can’t play it cool, cool got thrown
out the window with the bath water and the baby, I have lost contact with cool,
cool’s still in Houston, I’m floating aimlessly through space, who cares, just
another piece of space junk.’
‘Song’s good,’ you say. ‘You know that, though, right?’
‘I can’t shake the feeling that it’s probably shit, actually,’ he says.
‘Kid. I say this with zero fucking bias. I have no stakes here. You know that.
I’m super opposed to stakes.’ He doesn’t laugh at your vampire joke. Eh, you’ve
done better. ‘The song’s good, but better than that, it’s super sweet, and
there’s no way it isn’t a panty dropper. If I ever feel the need to seduce
someone new and don’t fancy just giving them the classic Bro smoulder, I’m
probably gonna steal it.’
Dave shoves at you weakly.
‘Karkat’s probably going to cry,’ Rose says dryly. ‘He would cry if he was
watching this in a movie.’
‘Alright. I gotta go give it to him now or I’m gonna chicken out,’ Dave says.
‘Shower first, lil bro. And put some man jeans on.’
 
While Dave showers, you and Rose look through his wardrobe. You choose some
black jeans (does he have any pants that aren’t black jeans? You didn’t find
any) and a white button down shirt. You have a skinny black tie that’d look
pretty snazzy, but you don’t know if Dave’s a tie guy or an unbuttoned shirt
guy.
‘I think as he’s usually so casual, he’ll look nicer with the tie. It’s the
contrast, you know?’ Rose says.
You flash in and out of the bathroom, swapping the clothes Dave chose for your
superior clothes. You give Rose a fistbump and go and listen to Dave’s song
again. Yep, still pretty great. He comes out with the tie hanging undone around
his shoulders and you realise you’ve never had reason to teach him how to tie a
tie. Jake would be so disappointed.
‘Okay lil dude, super easy, you just … fuck, it’s been a while … nah, I got it,
you just flip this guy around and then pull it through here and see?’ Nope,
that’s not how it should look. ‘Okay, one tic, starting again. I just didn’t
make the lengths right, I think. And then, yeah, you gotta do the flip and then
…’ Still not really a tie.
You look at Rose helplessly.
She holds her hand out.
‘I don’t know why it is,’ she says, ‘but not only can I tie a tie for myself, I
can also tie it backwards on another person’s neck. I can do a bow tie as well.
Mother said this was an important skill to have, as was the ability to smoke
half a single cigarette delicately when a gentleman offers to light it.’
You miss Roxy a whole bunch sometimes. You can totally picture how these
lessons went down. Roxy refused to smoke regularly, didn’t want to taste like
it, but she also insisted on you buying her cigarettes every so often so she
had them on hand when she was asked for one.
Rose slips the tie over Dave’s head and smoothly tightens it to an appropriate
length. You hand Dave the CD in the case. He holds his hands out and does a
little spin. You give him a wolf whistle.
‘Ha. Okay.’ He goes to run his hand through his hair and then stops himself, so
he must have put something in it. It looks exactly the same as usual to you.
‘I’m gonna go now.’
‘Good luck, bro,’ you say.
He waves over the back of his head and walks out the front door.
‘How do you feel about spying on him just a smidge,’ you ask Rose. She beams at
you.

***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Notes
     Dave's POV for DaveKat!
     Because I can't help myself, honestly, this ship just keeps plowing
     its way through my stories like the Titanic stabbing its way through
     an iceberg with no cares for what else is going on. Frozen Arctic
     waters? What frozen Arctic waters? We've got a ship to drive, sir,
     and we say FULL STEAM AHEAD.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Okay. Holy shit. Yes. You’re doing this, man. You’re making it happen. You’re
dapper as fuck, wearing a tie for the first time in your life and pulling it
off, obviously. So nervous. This is stupid. You’re Dave motherfucking Strider,
you can ask a guy out. Or, failing that, you can shove a CD in a guy’s hands
and run away.
Okay, that random lady looked at you super weird, you have a very strong
feeling that your internal monologue has gotten all external on you again, you
really should get that under control. You press your lips firmly together. Fuck
it, you’re nervous enough, no need to suppress your natural impulse to ramble
all over the place. You think you’ll just flash step the whole way to Karkat’s
house so you have less time to freak out. Yeah, super smooth.
You check the time and holy shit, it’s like 11 at night, will he even be awake?
turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 23:12
TG: yo karkat what are you up to
CG: OH, YOU’RE ALIVE.
CG: SEE, I DIDN’T KNOW, BECAUSE A FEW DAYS AGO YOU WENT FROM MESSAGING ME EVERY
SECOND OF MY WAKING LIFE TO COMPLETE RADIO SILENCE.
CG: AND EVEN BETTER, THE ONLY THING THAT HAS CHANGED IN THAT TIME IS THAT WE
KISSED, A THING I THOUGHT YOU WERE INTO AT THE TIME, BUT NOW I’M PRETTY SURE
YOU’RE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT.
CG: SO, FIRSTLY, FUCK YOU FOR THAT.
CG: AND SECONDLY, YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME YOU WEREN’T INTERESTED, I’D BE
COOL WITH THAT, IT ISN’T LIKE
CG: IT ISN’T LIKE THERE ISN’T A RISK WITH THIS KIND OF THING
CG: AND I KNOW YOU HAVE THE SACRED BRO COMMANDMENTS OR WHATEVER TO FOLLOW
CG: IT WAS A PRETTY DUMB MOVE ON MY PART TO EXPECT ANYTHING FROM YOU AT ALL,
BUT I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WERE PUTTING OUT SIGNALS, AND MAYBE I WAS
MISINTERPRETING, BUT YOU KISSED BACK SO I REALLY DON’T THINK I WAS.
CG: AND THIRDLY IF YOU'RE HAVING A BIG GAY FREAKOUT THEN YOU COULD TALK TO ME
ABOUT IT BECAUSE CLEARLY I'VE ALREADY GONE THROUGH THAT BEFORE AND EVEN IF
YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN ME ROMANTICALLY I THINK I COULD PROVIDE SOME GOOD
INSIGHT AND I THOUGHT YOU TRUSTED ME WITH SHIT LIKE THIS.
TG: could i perhaps get a word in here
TG: funnily enough i have the answers to these questions
CG: FUCK YOU. YOU COULD JUST TYPE, IT ISN’T LIKE THERE’S A RULE WHERE WE HAVE
TO WAIT FOR EACH OTHER TO BE FINISHED WITH WHAT WE WERE SAYING.
CG: IF THAT WAS THE CASE, WE’D NEVER HAVE AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION, WE’D JUST BE
WAITING FOR WHOEVER MESSAGED FIRST TO SHUT UP IN PERPETUITY. BUT ALSO FUCK YOU
FOR THIS NOT BEING TWO DAYS AGO.
TG: okay yeah fair enough
TG: are you home?
CG: AS IT IS 11 O CLOCK AT FUCKING NIGHT, YES, I’M AT HOME.
TG: cool could you come outside for a sec
CG: STRIDER IF YOU’RE OUTSIDE I’M GOING TO FLIP MY EVERLOVING SHIT.
TG: …
TG: i dont want you to flip your shit but also im absolutely outside
TG: cant stop that from being a thing thats happening
TG: well i guess i could leave but i really would prefer if you would just come
out
TG: i got you a present
CG: WELL FUCK YOU FOR KNOWING THAT MY ONE WEAKNESS IS PRESENTS.
CG: IF THE PRESENT IS YOUR DICK, I SWEAR TO GOD STRIDER, I WILL SNAP IT OFF
YOUR STUPID BODY.
TG: omg no my present is not my dick
TG: like yeah good one but in this one particular instance the present is not
my dick
TG: just come outside please
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!
TG: really hoping that means youre coming outside
TG: ha that would be pretty funny though
TG: me expecting you to come outside and youve just gone to bed or something
TG: id totally wait all night
TG: ok funny might be pushing it
TG: pathetic is probably what that is
TG: holy shit i know its winter but its fucking cold this is mighty rude for
texas to ever be this cold
Oh, there’s Karkat, you should stop messaging his empty computer like an idiot.
‘Hey,’ you say.
He’s all bundled up in one of his huge hoodies, hugging himself on his steps.
‘Hey,’ he says.
Holy shit, he’s cute.
‘So, was this present story just a way to lure me outside so you can kill me?’
he says. He meets your eyes briefly and you have a quick internal debate on
keeping your shades on. Pros: no accidentally hypnotising innocent boys into
being in a relationship with you, you love your shades, eye contact is fucking
scary. Cons: you fucking love Karkat’s eyes and you can’t see them properly
through your shades, it’s really fucking dark, actually, and your eyes aren’t
that good. And he has complained that you hide behind them. Okay, shades are
going. You just won’t hold eye contact too long.
He looks up when you take your shades off and shove them in your sylladex. He
seems to notice what you’re wearing for the first time. He walks closer,
frowning, until he’s only arms length away. Shit, he hasn’t got shoes on, you
should keep this short, you don’t want him freezing.
‘What is this, Dave?’ he asks.
‘Uh …’ you say. You hand over the CD. ‘Yeah, uh, I got you … anyway, I should
probably get going, right?’
‘Dave, don’t be a dickhead, you could have just sent me this over pesterchum,
what the fuck are you doing here. In a tie. Your shirt looks like you ironed
it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think.’
‘I wanted to see you. I …’ Are you seriously going to try and play it cool?
You’ve just handed him a love song. You can’t pretend this one’s irony. ‘I like
you, wanted to … I dunno. See if you wanted this to happen.’ You shrug.
‘This?’ Karkat says, and he sounds all hopeful, holy fuck that’s cute.
‘This,’ you say, and you step closer and cup his cheeks with your hands. You
lean in and kiss him and he’s not stopping you, actually he’s really not
stopping you, he’s grabbing your waist and pulling you closer and okay, you
meant to just give him a romantic little kiss, but his tongue is tentatively at
your mouth and you are on board, hell yes, let’s go to makeout town. He's
pulling on your tie like you're not close enough and suddenly you understand
why people wear ties. Kinky fuckers in offices giving their boyfriends leads to
drag them around on. He tastes like toothpaste and you could kiss him forever.
‘Holy shit, Karkat, I’m trying to be sweet here,’ you say when he lets you go.
‘You’re … I’m so confused …’
How the fuck is he confused. Stupid, perfect Karkat, he probably tuned out the
bit where you said you liked him.
‘Wanna be boyfriends?’ you ask, and you’re still holding his face, you just got
done kissing him, you know he’s interested, but holy fuck is this the scariest
thing you’ve ever done.
‘You’re asking me out?’ Karkat says.
You bite your lip, and you worry that maybe you got this wrong, you were so
sure he was keen but shit … You should let go, maybe take a step back. You just
nod your head and stare at his shoulder instead.
‘You’re such a fucking moron,’ he says, and stupidly that gives you hope again.
‘Yes, I’ll be boyfriends, I can’t believe that’s how you asked me, how the fuck
is that even a sentence.’
You kiss him again and he lets you for a few delicious minutes before he pulls
away. He's grinning, you've never seen him smile for so long without hiding
behind shouting. You want to make him smile all the time.
‘I’m so fucking cold. You could have asked me in the daytime or inside or …
fuck you, I can’t even muster up any anger over this, what have you done to
me?’ He’s giggling even though he’s saying mean things and you smile at him and
let yourself be pushed away.
‘What’s on the CD?’ he asks.
‘Uh … Actually, you already said yes, maybe I’ll just take that back?’ you say,
and he quickly pops it into his sylladex so you can’t grab it. ‘Okay, fine, but
… okay, just be cool about it,’ you say.
‘Not a fucking chance. Okay, fuck off, now, I’m going inside before I freeze to
death.’
You smile and start to walk backwards.
‘What the fuck, Strider, kiss me goodbye first, holy fuck!’
You flashstep forward and give him a little peck on the cheek because you're a
classy motherfucker and then turn and swagger away.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:45
CG: YOU FUCKING FUCK THIS IS THE SWEETEST FUCKING THING.
TG: do i get boyfriend points
CG: YEAH, SURE, YOU GET BOYFRIEND POINTS. LEVEL UP, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.
TG: sweet, gonna rake in those sweet bonuses
TG: uh
TG: but did you really like it
TG: cos its cool if you didn’t
CG: THIS IS YOU SINGING, ISN’T IT?
TG: yeah
CG: I AM NEVER LISTENING TO A THING THAT ISN’T THIS AGAIN.
CG: YOU PLAY THIS AT MY FUCKING FUNERAL, DO YOU HEAR ME?
TG: ha cool
CG: NOW FUCK OFF, I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP.
TG: you messaged me
TG: but i will graciously still fuck off
TG: because youre my boyfriend and itll make you happy
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I REALLY LIKE YOU.
TG: sweet dreams kitty kat i really like you too
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
You’re back at your apartment when Karkat messages you back, standing on the
street so you can reply without walking into something (Rose gave you so much
shit for that last time). When he signs off, you put your phone back in your
pocket and grin to yourself before you run upstairs. When you open the door,
Bro and Rose are sitting on the couch together, both looking at one of Rose’s
books. They look up at you when you walk in, stopping talking about whatever
they were talking about. You've caught them debating the moral philosophy of
Anna Karenina before. They're freaky similar.
‘Well?’ Bro asks.
‘Guess who has a boyfriend,’ you say, smirking as cockily as you can.
Bro flashes over to you and offers his fist for a bump. You give him one and
then Rose and then suddenly you feel like you’re going to fall asleep standing
up.
‘Lil dude, it is past your bedtime,’ Bro says.
‘Woah, what about Rose?’ you say, because like hell you’re getting sent to bed
before your sister.
‘Rose thinks it’s your bedtime too,’ Bro says.
You shove him and ruin the effect by yawning. You have the weirdest household.
If Bro needed to sleep you know you would have to put him to bed.
‘Come on, kid, staying up all night stops being cool when you’re jaw starts
making that noise.’
You let Bro lead you to your bedroom and he takes his tie back.
‘You know, you ever want to dress up all fancy, I got hella ties. Even bow
ties. I got suspenders somewhere.’
‘You reckon I can pull off the suit look?’ you ask.
‘Striders got swag,’ Bro shrugs.
Sweet. You’re gonna make Karkat’s eyes fall out of his skull with how hot you
look.
Bro hesitates at the doorway, which catches your attention. He’s usually the
kind of guy that everything looks deliberate on. Even on the rare occasion that
you land a hit on him during a strife, he kinda looks like he chose to get hit
there so that it would work in with his next move.
‘Sup?’ you ask.
He steps over and grabs you in an awkward hug. He scruffs your hair up and lets
you go.
‘That was pretty lame, Bro,’ you tell him, but your poker face is shot, you
can’t help but smile.
‘Real talk for a sec,’ he says.
If he tries to give you the safe sex talk again you are going to throw the
biggest tantrum.
‘You cool with all these changes?’
Oh.
‘Yeah, cool as a cucumber, you know that. All long and green and disgusting,
that’s how I rock it.’
‘I said real talk, bro,’ he says, shoving at you.
‘Uh, yeah. I …’ okay, thinking before talking. ‘Rose is cool, I guess. I …
haven’t lived anywhere but here before, but I think it should be fine. I’m
kinda excited. I don’t know how I’ll react, you know, once it happens. I’m
kinda relieved that I’m doing it at least once before … like I assume you don’t
want me living with you forever, I’d rather go through moving with everything
basically staying the same before whatever, you know?’
Bro frowns at you slightly.
‘And the Karkat thing is a weight off, to be honest, the anticipation was this
niggle at the back of my head like “woah, dude, when you gonna resolve that
shit” constantly, you know?’
‘Sure,’ he says.
‘And we’re ahead with school stuff so I’m feeling pretty chill, mostly.’
‘Alright.’ He still isn’t leaving. ‘You’re my bro, k? I got your back. I wanna
look out for Rose and Roxy, but if you asked me to, I’d kick ‘em both to the
curb. Well, okay, I’d probably kick ‘em to a hotel and hire a nanny or
something, but … you’re my priority.’
‘Stop being sincere, it’s freaking me out,’ you say and shove at his arm. ‘But
yeah, I know,’ you say, a bit more seriously.
Bro nods and flashes away. He’s probably going to go do pushups on the roof or
something to compensate for the emotional stuff. He’s so predictable.
You kinda already knew all that, but you had been getting a bit jealous of how
well he and Rose had been getting along. A bit jealous of her knowing Bro as
well as you do, of being the one to ask questions and get answers. But mostly
the last couple of weeks have been good. It’s actually really nice to be able
to talk to a friend openly about your life. Sure, John has always been
oblivious enough to talk to but it still feels really different to have someone
who knows that you're not making shit up or talking in metaphor.
And she brought some really nice soaps over and that’s just a straight-up
bonus.
Chapter End Notes
     Bro and Rose totally followed and watched this go down from the
     rooftops. They only just managed to get back before Dave and Bro
     didn't have a book to pretend to read to look innocent with, so he
     just used Rose's. The conversation that Dave interrupted was Bro
     insisting it was funnier if the book was upside down and Rose saying
     that they weren't supposed to be getting caught.
***** Chapter 11 *****
Chapter Notes
     Okay, so I know up until now I've basically just been having fun in
     this world, and I'm still doing that, but wanted to give you a heads
     up that actual plot will be happening soon. I know. I was shocked
     too.
     And yes, it's ten months til Christmas. Enjoy your Christmas chapters
     anyway!
Christmas comes way too soon. You go into recluse mode, partly because you’re
nervous about having Rose for the first time, partly because you’re nervous
about Kanaya being there, partly because you don’t know if you’ve done a good
enough job on present duty and partly because you really aren’t used to having
so much happening all at once. Your life’s usually pretty dull. You have the
house to yourself during the day mostly, which is a relief because there’s a
Christmas boom on your smuppet website (who would give a smuppet as a Christmas
present? Is it ironic? Is it a sexy gift for a partner? You love your weirdo
customers) and neither of your kids like watching you assemble them. Neither of
them seem to be able to just watch TV when you’re working either, their eyes
are drawn to the smuppets like they’re a sexy car crash. You’re looking forward
to having your own room. Wasn’t really an issue when it was just Dave, because
he’d just hang out in his room, but with the sharing situation they have
practically given up on being in there except for sleep.
Christmas Eve you marathon cheesy holiday movies with Rose and Dave until two
in the morning when you tell them they have to sleep or Santa won’t come. They
swap stories over how they found out Santa wasn’t real as they brush their
teeth.
You clean forgot about Christmas when Dave was five and he was distraught
because he thought he hadn’t been good enough to get presents. You had to
explain that it wasn’t him, it was just that you were a massive dickhead.
You’ve still gotten him “Santa presents” every year since. Got a bit of guilt
left over from that, but you tend not to dwell on it. You’ve made plenty of
mistakes, if you thought about them all the time you’d probably end up hiding
away from Dave from fear of fucking up again.
Rose found out when she laid an elaborate trap to snare Santa and caught Roxy
in it instead. She didn’t have the foresight to take a picture of her mother
hanging upside down by the ankle, but then again, that would have been a pretty
ballsy move. According to Rose, Roxy didn’t spill a drop of the eggnog she was
still holding.
You remember Roxy’s eggnog. You thought you’d get drunk just being in the same
room as it. She goaded you into drinking her blood to see if you could taste it
on her your first Christmas together. It was the first time you’d gotten second
hand drunk. You don’t know if Luke even knew it was possible, he’d never warned
you against it. Roxy had laughed at you and you’d laughed at her laughing and
it took days for the giggly impulsive feelings to die down because your
digestion works different. She got you to drink alcohol like a human as a
comparative experiment and it didn’t do a thing except sit in your stomach and
cause you discomfort until your stupid vampire body absorbed it.
You haven’t gotten remotely tipsy since you stopped feeding on her. Drunk
people aren’t that sexy to you. Not many wear it like a Lalonde, as Rox would
say.
 
You spend the time while they’re sleeping turning your pretty typical
decorations into something a lot more convoluted. You hope that Dave hasn’t
warned Rose that you’ll be doing this. You suppose it isn’t the kind of thing
that can be spoiled by talking about it, but still.
You make the decorations in  Elf  look like shit.
It takes all night and then much of the morning, even with your speed and the
decorations you made ahead of time, stashed in your crawl space. You guess
they’re a bit old to be waking up at dawn for presents, but when there’s only
half an hour until Kanaya is due to arrive, you decide to wake them up. You
turn your sound gear up as loud as you can, club loud, and play an ironically
bad remix of Jingle Bells. The music is so loud you don’t hear them wake up at
all, but there’s Dave, hands over his ears and glaring at you.
He says something that you can’t hear over the music. Neither of you are much
for raising your voices.
‘Can’t hear you, bro,’ you say, normal volume. You point to your ears and
shrug. ‘The music’s a bit loud.’ You point to your turntable with a “what can
you do?” expression.
Dave takes a hand off his ear to slide the master volume down.
‘Where’s your holiday cheer?’ you ask. You are tempted to turn the volume up
again, but as funny as that battle would be, it would also probably devolve
into a tickle battle and you’d end up fucking up your decorations.
‘I think Rose got my share,’ he says. ‘She’s in literal awe.’
You resist the urge to pump your fist. You smirk instead.
‘You outdid yourself this year,’ Dave says.
You shrug.
‘Can I take over?’
You step aside and he swaps the tacky sample for a better one, making the remix
less awful piece by piece. He stops talking while he plays around with the song
so he can focus. One of your favourite things about Dave is that you don’t
really have to talk to him, he knows how to interpret your silences. Sometimes
you have whole conversations with him with just the occasional gesture. It’s
just so much less pressure.
You leave him to his work and go to find out how Rose is doing.
She’s turning the wooden baubles around in her hands, examining them closely,
cross legged on her bed. You’re pretty proud of those ones, cat themed for her.
You can carve hella fast and accurately, but holy shit doing that many was
still so time consuming. She looks up when you flash onto Dave’s top bunk and
hang over the edge.
‘These are  so  beautiful,’ she says. ‘I didn’t … Dave showed me a picture last
year but …’
‘Different in the flesh, huh?’ you say.
She nods. Have you reduced Rose to speechless wonder? You think you win
Christmas.
‘Your girl’ll be here soon. Are we waiting to do presents when she gets here?’
‘If you don’t mind,’ she says. ‘Is it silly to have a shower and then get back
into pyjamas?’
‘Showers are never silly,’ you insist.
She smiles and goes to leave the room.
‘Oh!’ she says. ‘You did everywhere!’
Of course you did. You push her towards the bathroom. She can admire your
awesome decorations later. You go back to the living room to Dave. He’s
drinking apple juice, sitting on the couch. He isn’t allowed anywhere near
sound gear with anything resembling liquid. Sometimes it might seem like he’s
the one making all the rules, but the few that are yours you are firm as hell
about. You give him a nod and sit on the other couch. He looks at you like he
might start talking, but you hold your finger up.
‘AAAARGH!’ you hear from the bathroom.
You grin with victory. Dave frowns at you.
‘You’ll see,’ you promise.
Rose steps out wrapped in a towel a second later, covered in glitter.
‘You want me to fix that for you?’ you ask, face back to blank politeness.
‘Yes,’ she says shortly.
You flash into the bathroom and disconnect the joke shower head and connect the
proper one. It takes you less than 10 seconds. You flash back to the lounge and
gesture welcomingly.
‘What are the chances that there is a second prank waiting for me in there?’
Rose asks Dave.
‘Uh, pretty low,’ he says.
She turns on her heel to go shower properly.
‘She’s not going to be able to get all that glitter off,’ Dave says.
‘No,’ you agree.
‘She’s going to clog the drain up with glitter.’
You shake your head.
‘I rigged it,’ you say.
Dave’s not interested in your plumbing tricks. Like you’d risk the shower for a
prank. Pranks are fucking important, but the shower is sacred.
Kanaya arrives while Rose is still in the bathroom, but your decorations
provide conversation while you wait. When Rose comes out, she has glitter all
through her hair and stuck to her skin.
‘You look wonderful,’ Kanaya says. ‘Should I have worn glitter too? Is it a
Christmas tradition?’
‘No,’ Rose says, her cool facade back in place. ‘I’m afraid my prankster’s
gambit has rather suffered this morning.’
Kanaya cocks her head and plucks a piece of glitter from Rose’s cheek. She
examines it closely and then touches it to her tongue. You grin. You didn’t
think anyone would pick up on that.
‘Bro,  no, ’ Dave says in horror.
You tone down the grin to a satisfied smirk.
‘The glitter is edible,’ Rose says.
You nod slowly.
Dave and Rose share a look you can’t interpret. It’s pretty similar to their
smuppet horror look, which you guess makes sense. Dumping your kid in stripper
glitter is probably just as awful as stuffing high tech dildo robots into their
plush puppet bodies.
‘Presents?’ you suggest.
Dave and Rose do a creepy in sync twin thing where they both look at you for a
second and then look back to each other for another horrified expression.
‘I brought presents for each of you as well,’ Kanaya says.
‘That was kind,’ you say.
‘I might not have had a Christmas before, but I cannot pretend total
ignorance,’ she says.
‘It is hard to avoid the marketing,’ you agree.
‘Okay,  fine , we’ll do presents,’ Dave says. ‘And we warned you, Kanaya, we
said that this wasn’t going to be a typical Christmas, we told you that Egbert
would be the one to crash if you wanted eggnog and carols.’
‘Oh, I made eggnog,’ you remember. ‘No booze though. I’m a pretty responsible
guardian.’
Dave rolls his eyes at you. You flash to the fridge and grab them all a mug of
the weird custardy drink. You take an empty one. You don’t think Kanaya will
notice.
You hand them out and take a sip from your imaginary nog. You watch Dave to
make sure that you made it right. He gives you a thumbs up.
You take Cal from your sylladex. He’s wearing his Santa suit. His cap’s red and
white. He’s so festive. You sit him on your lap for a minute, making sure you
have everyone’s attention. Then you flash around, so fast your image stays
seated on the couch and have Cal move to the presents under the tree. He slowly
falls face first on them. You have him give Dave his present.
‘We all up in here feeling all kinds of advent joy, take your motherfucking
present, boy,’ Cal raps. Well, you rap, but you put on Cal’s voice and your
couch image doesn’t twitch a muscle.
‘Yo, this gift got me feeling mad levels of gratitude, I assure you I ain’t
giving false platitude, I tell you this ain’t my common mood, this prez better
not be hella lewd,’ Dave raps back.
You nod approval, he can open his present.
‘You only gotta rap to get the Bro present,’ Dave says. ‘Santa presents are
obligation free.’
‘What happens if your rhyme isn’t good enough?’ Kanaya asks.
‘Then Cal roasts you for … just such a long time,’ Dave says with a shudder.
‘And you don’t get the present until you have at least held your own in a Cal
rap battle,’ you say. ‘Winning is a bit of an ask.’
‘Cal’s a professional,’ Dave nods seriously. ‘And pretty mean, so …’
‘We can leave Bro presents til last, let you ladies prepare yourselves,’ you
offer.
‘Or you can strife Cal for it, but he’s freakish good at strifing too,’ Dave
says.
‘Or bribe me,’ you say with a shrug.
‘How would anyone bribe you?’ Dave asks incredulously.
‘You gave me the best drawing on your fourth Christmas,’ you say, frowning at
him. You can’t believe he forgot. It was of the two of you riding a rainbow
pony over a rainbow. Your anime hair took up so much space. It’s a masterpiece.
You keep it in your wallet. ‘I gave you the present from the year before too,
for that.’
‘He had to rap for his presents when he was three?’ Kanaya asks.
‘Well, it would be a bit harsh to ask him to when he was two,’ you say.
‘The longer I’m here, the more Dave makes sense,’ Rose muses.
Cal dumps a present on Rose’s lap and then Kanaya’s. He hands one to you very
politely. He gets one for himself and sits it on his lap.
You decide not to have him to the traditional rap that says you can open
presents. It’s not very polite. Instead, you just nod at Dave and the two of
you start ripping paper. You gave everyone who wasn’t Dave a present  from
Dave.
You got Dave a proper drawing pad for his computer. You know he likes to use
his mouse (in his left hand) to draw SBaHJ comics, but you’ve caught him
drawing seriously on paper a couple of times so you figure he probably could
use a tool to do it properly. In case he actually prefers paper, Santa got him
a fuckload of pencils. There’s a little USB attachment to the pad where you’ve
uploaded an obscene amount of drawings that you did with your own drawing pad.
Yeah, you’re the kind of gift giver who almost always gets two of whatever
you’re giving because you want one too. Some of your drawings are intentionally
shitty portraits of your weird family, there’s one actually good one of the
four of you and about five gigabytes of horses. He’s gonna hate it.
He blushes a little when he sees what it is, but smiles and nods at you in
thanks. You look at what he’s got for you. Hell yes, it’s a CD full of Dave
Strider originals. You love Dave’s music.
Kanaya’s holding a book with … are those half naked vampires? You try to
telepathically ask Dave  what the hell?  but of course there’s no such thing as
telepathy so you just end up giving him a funny look that he misses because
he’s reading the instructions for the drawing pad. Rose also has a book, but it
seems to have a buff dude mermaid, except the fish tail part of the dude has
been replaced with about a million tentacles. She shows Kanaya the front with
an amused expression.
‘Couldn’t find a lady half-cthulhu beast,’ Dave says regretfully. ‘I could draw
you one, now,’ he says holding up his pad.
‘That won’t be necessary,’ Rose says.
‘You could have edited the book yourself,’ you say to Dave.
‘Bro, no one apart from you has the patience to do that,’ Dave says.
You shrug and open Dave’s present to Cal for the little guy. He could never
manage wrapping paper with these adorable mittens. It’s a new hat. It has a
picture of Sweet Bro on the front. It’s so perfect. You swap it for the
Christmas hat immediately. You kind of want to put it on the Sweet Bro puppet
you made, but you think Dave’s hidden those puppetty gifts pretty deep in his
cupboard. Kid doesn’t  get  puppets.
The other present opening goes pretty smoothly. Rose made you all Christmas
jumpers. Yours has a picture of a hat on it and you love it. A bro can never
have too many hats. You think wearing a picture of a hat on your clothes rather
than just wearing one on your head might actually be the vastly superior
fashion choice. You zone out for a good five minutes contemplating this. And,
holy shit, you wouldn’t have to take your hat off in clubs or whatever that
have a dress code.
You zone back in when you hear your name.
‘... Bro alright?’ Rose is asking.
‘Yeah, I think he just really likes his jumper,’ Dave says.
‘I need hats on all my clothes,’ you say, and your voice comes out all mumbly.
You look at Dave’s jumper and see it has crow on it. Sweet. Kanaya’s has a
Christmas tree, because she likes plants and it’s thematic, you guess. Rose has
made one for herself as well, which has a stripy pattern and no picture. Well,
see, now you have to learn how to knit so you can represent her interests on a
jumper. Doesn’t she know how this game works?
‘Sorry, who’s next?’ you ask. Kanaya hands out her presents. She got you a set
of very nice needles for your sewing machine. Shit yes, you are way too lazy
about using the proper needle for the fabric you’re using, so most of your
needles are kinda blunt at the moment. Rose gets a dress and Dave gets a suit
jacket. Nice.
You’re saving Roxy’s presents for dinner at rehab.
When Cal challenges Rose to get your present, she blows your fucking socks off,
rhyming in a way you’d describe more as a chant than as a rap, and rhyming
plush with blush and then lush, in a way that makes Dave groan into his hands.
You’ve never had anyone use the word “betwixt” in a rap battle before. She
earns a set of robotic knitting needles. Not only can she knit with them, but
they’ll untangle wool on their own and have a few strifing related attachments.
If she presses the button on the end, it’ll tell her how many stitches are on
the needle. She can program patterns into the needle so they’ll tell her when
to increase or decrease her stitches. These needles might just be your best
work, robotically speaking. It was  hard , fitting everything in such a narrow
space. You’re lucky you make smuppets, or you wouldn’t have known how to get
the hardware inside a cylinder. People think on such flat planes when it comes
to tech.
Kanaya narrowly manages to earn her present. You go a bit easy on her. You gave
her your old sewing machine, which felt like a bit of a cop out, but you
tricked that baby out. The only reason you got a new one was because you didn’t
want to disrupt the work you’d done on it with the new upgrades you wanted.
Seemed easier to start from scratch.
‘Don’t touch that button there unless you’re in serious danger and are ready to
run like hell,’ you say, opening a panel on the side.
‘Dude,’ Dave says. ‘Not everything needs a self destruct button!’
‘Do my needles explode too?’ Rose asks eagerly.
‘Yeah, but if you do it for a reason that isn’t life or death, I’m gonna be
pissed because they took forever to make.’
‘My skateboard has one too,’ Dave sighs.
‘Your hoverboard will have detachable exploding wheels,’ you say. You’ve been
working on his hoverboard for  years  and you haven’t got it right yet. It’s
kind of a sore point for you.
‘Are we just leaving the other presents for now?’ Rose asks.
‘No, they’re Santa presents,’ Dave says, as if it’s obvious.
‘Uh, I think we do this differently, lil bro,’ you say. ‘Santa presents can be
claimed by anyone. You just take one when you feel the urge.’
‘The urge?’ Kanaya asks.
‘Like, okay, so one’ll probably have a video game in it. If we were to open
that, then we’d play the game, right, so we open the presents when we want to
do a thing,’ Dave says.
‘Oh,’ Rose says. ‘That’s rather neat.’
‘So I’m gonna put on some food, someone should open one,’ you say. You walk
over to the kitchen and have Cal put his little mittens on one that holds a
board game inside as a suggestion. You haven’t played a board game since Jane
was alive. They’re not as fun with two people, especially when one’s an infant.
Dave takes Cal’s advice and the kids set up the game while you heat up all the
stuff for breakfast tacos. The kids come into the kitchen to make their tacos.
You slide your shades down and say to Kanaya, ‘I’m eating all this too, in fact
I’m probably eating just as much as Dave.’ Kanaya looks a little disoriented
for a while, but she doesn’t seem suspicious. With a full day of eating, you
really can’t risk hoping a stranger just doesn’t notice you avoiding it.
All four of you are way too competitive to play a board game together. Halfway
through, you decide you are perilously close to slicing the game in half with
your katana and suggest a recess. Dave is somehow winning. Rose looks similarly
close to violence.
You bring out more food, this time a bunch of dips with veggies and stuff. You
just got supermarket dips. Dave probably could have made them from scratch but
you really don’t know what you’re doing in the kitchen.
Rose chooses another present and then flash steps to their room before any of
you can see what it was. You look at the presents left behind and then smirk to
yourself.
‘You gotta share those with Dave, sweetheart,’ you say in your best “dad”
voice.
She’s out a second later, staring you down while she gives Dave his half of the
condoms, lube and cleanser, moving purposefully slow.
Dave sighs and shoves it all in his sylladex.
‘Could have been worse,’ he says, shoving his hands awkwardly in his pockets.
Rose gives him a look.
‘No smuppets and no offers of demonstrations, I call that a win,’ Dave says
with a shrug.
You lean against the wall and give them a bland smile.
***** Chapter 12 *****
After the more traditional brisket and sides course of Christmas food, Rose and
Kanaya can’t eat anymore and join in on your spectator sport: just how much can
Dave eat? He isn’t even doing it to win, he’s just idly snacking as he draws
with his new pencils. Kanaya is reading while you and Rose play a video game,
supposedly, but for now all three of you are just watching Dave. He gets to the
bottom of the bowl of nachos, feels around to make sure it’s empty and swaps it
for a plate of brownies without a pause.
‘That’s a weird combo, isn’t it, it’s not just me?’ you check with Rose. She
nods, transfixed by how steadily he eats. He’s like a one man conveyer belt.
‘Why is he not fat?’ Kanaya asks, her tone low. Dave’s pretty focussed and has
headphones on, but you’re trying to keep subtle.
‘One of the grand mysteries of the universe,’ you reply.
 
Kanaya heads off around 3:30. You all bum around the apartment until 6, when
you can leave for the rehab centre. You shove all the presents in your sylladex
and lead the way. You’re probably not gonna get a taxi on Christmas and it’s
not that far. Dave and Rose race with flashsteps, but Dave’s had more practice
so he wins too easily for it to be a good game. They play target practice
instead, playing like it’s lawn balls where you’re the tiny ball and they have
to get as close to you as they can. You flash around to make it harder for
them. At least it entertains them and keeps them moving quickly. You guess
you’re glad they aren’t being stereotypical sullen teenagers, but their
enthusiasm is exhausting.
You all have to give ID to the nurses on the desk. They’re expecting you and
lead you to a room with Roxy in it. She rushes over to hug Rose as soon as
you’re inside.
‘Rosie,’ she says happily. ‘Oh, kiddo, it’s good to see you.’ Roxy lets Rose go
and gives you a hug, then Dave. Dave’s taller than her, you hadn’t noticed
until they were right next to each other.
‘Merry Christmas, Rox,’ you say.
She smiles. She looks … different. She isn’t wearing any makeup, her nails are
cut short, her hair flat. But she’s still Roxy, still with that lovely smile.
She barely eats the food the nurse brings. Rose seems pretty happy with hers.
Dave eats yours as well as his own. You and Rose share baffled looks, because
anyone would think you hadn’t fed him at all today.
You hand out presents from “Roxy”. Dave gets a cat skeleton in a jar, which he
is way too excited about. Rose gets a wizard plush with a cat face. You made it
yourself. Kind of a shame to let Roxy take credit for it, but you’re a generous
dude.
Your present is actually one that Roxy gave you just before she went missing.
It’s a photo frame with two windows, one picture is of you and Roxy, she’s
giving you a lecture and you’re smiling at her with this dopey look on your
face because you loved her so much and she was so cute when she was cross. The
other one was taken about two seconds later, when the bucket of water Jane had
set on the doorframe above you finally toppled over and drenched you both. You
laughed so hard, but it was nothing compared to her, she fell over she was
laughing so much. Jane took both photos, only wanting to record her awesome
prank, but came over all gooey when she saw how cute you were before. Not gooey
enough to save you from the water, naturally.
Roxy holds her hand out for it and you give it to her. Her mouth twists to the
side as she looks at it and you think she’s holding back tears. She used to cry
around you a fair bit, she just felt things really strongly. This is a Roxy who
has decided not to feel as much though, or at least not show it. You get that.
Rose gives her a jumper with a cat on it, Dave gives her a CD. You take yours
out so you can compare the track list. Roxy’s CD has more of his older stuff,
whereas you haven’t heard any of yours before. Makes sense. You hand over your
present without making her rap for it. It’s a cigarette holder that doubles as
a flame-thrower. She figures it out quickly, thankfully without setting the
room on fire.
‘You didn’t give my girl a weapon for Christmas, did you?’
‘I got her knitting needles,’ you say, hands up defensively.
Roxy holds her hand out to Rose. She hands her mother the needles. Roxy pops
open the panel on the base and pulls the guts out of a needle to look at it
closely.
‘Holy shit, Dirk, this is  neat ! The robotics lab at work would cream
themselves if they saw this!’ She finds the self destruct button and rolls her
eyes at you but leaves it be.
‘Is that lighter fluid? Is this a flame-thrower as well?’
‘No …’ you say.
‘Oh, it’s a toxin, isn’t it?’
‘Needles just don’t seem to be the most effective weapon,’ you say. ‘Had to
trick them out …’
‘You know, I always thought it would be interesting to have a taser disguised
as needles,’ Roxy muses.
‘I could do that,’ you say. ‘Not these ones, I don’t have room, but yeah, I
could make taser needles.’
‘If you’re making me more weaponised knitting equipment, could you make the
next one 7 millimeters?’ Rose asks. ‘That way I can use them to make jumpers as
well.’
‘I wonder if you could do anything with the wool,’ Roxy says to herself. She
hands Rose back the needles and Rose starts to cast on purple wool to them. You
like watching her knit, she looks so comfortable with it.
 
An hour into the visit, Roxy pulls Rose to the side. You pull out a discman for
your new CD and share headphones with Dave to give them at least the illusion
of privacy. You keep the volume turned down low so you can snoop.
‘Baby girl, I have to make some apologies to you,’ Roxy says, holding Rose’s
hands in hers. Rose shakes her head.
‘No, I do, and it’s part of my therapy so you’re going to listen.’ She takes a
deep breath. ‘I’m sorry for the example I’ve set. I thought because I was high-
functioning that meant that I was doing well. I thought that my drinking wasn’t
an issue because I didn’t see that it was affecting anything except my mood.
‘But my drinking was absolutely an issue and I don’t want you to think that
it’s normal to have a martini the second you wake up, or that mimosas are an
acceptable breakfast drink when you’re not on holiday or that you can drink at
work because people aren’t calling you out on it. I didn’t even realise I was
addicted because I hadn’t gone more than five hours without a drink in years,
so I never felt the hangover. Honey, I was not well. And if, in a couple of
years, you want to drink with friends or just as a treat on your own, I don’t
want you to think that’s the same as what this is, I don’t want you to fear
what can be a fun and normal part of adulthood, but I also don’t want you to
think that the drinking I was doing is okay. I want you on your guard for this
kind of behaviour because I really hope I don’t pass it on to you but it’s a
possibility.
‘I’m sorry for all the times I was too drunk to take you places. I’m sorry for
the times I drove you anyway. I’m sorry for how you hung about at that skate
park after school rather than come home, I know you made friends but I wish I’d
made our home … more homey. I’m just real sorry, Rosie.’
‘Mom …’ Rose says.
‘How’s that for some therapy bullshit, TT?’ Roxy says.
‘Are they helping you?’ Rose asks.
‘Yeah, they’re doing a good job. Got no patience for your mom’s bullshit, I’m
telling you now. “Roxanne, was that a helpful comment?” Calling me out on it
every which way. Thought I’d come in here and they’d all just resign because
I’m too good for therapy, but turns out they have experience dealing with
snarky broads who think they’re clever.’
‘How much longer?’ Rose asks. She sounds all vulnerable, maybe you should have
turned the music up. You don’t dare look at Dave to see what he thinks.
‘I don’t know, kiddo. Gotta take it day by day at the moment. I’m motivated
though, I really wanna come home to you. They say that makes a difference,
having a reason to fight.’
Rose nods and hugs Roxy. Roxy hugs her back.
 
You stay until the friendly nurse kicks you out. You give Roxy a big sloppy
kiss on the lips that she turns into a bit of a battle of tongues because
you’re a wonderful fake boyfriend and it grosses your kids out. The friendly
nurse manages to control her reactions surprisingly well. Rose looks like she’s
counting to 100 in her head. Dave looks like you’ve scarred him for life.
When you get outside, Rose looks exhausted from the day so you piggy-back her
home and race Dave. You win, but you have to work for it. Dave can’t catch his
breath for a bit when you get home though, so you guess he isn’t gonna take
over from you just yet.
 
You move house three days later. You hire movers and get them to do all the
work. Dave lets them into the new apartment and you pretend like you are way
too rich to help them move the stuff out to the truck. Because not a single
company was willing to work after hours when most people aren’t even working
day hours between Christmas and New Years and the sun is just so inconvenient.
You let the kids paint their rooms and deck them out with Ikea stuff. You have
your own bed for the first time in decades. You wonder if you’ll bring people
back to the apartment when the kids are on sleepovers. You would really like to
be able to use your smuppets with a partner. You’ve sounded out a couple people
in the past, but it’s not the easiest kink to get behind. Roxy would have at
least given it a go, but you didn’t start making them til well after you split.
It’s probably an unethical business practice to hit on your customers, which
would be the easy way to find someone interested, so you never have. The beauty
of smuppets is that they’re pretty great for solo adventures. Part of the
reason you don’t bother with seeking out sex more than when you need a feed.
People are hard work. Smuppets are awesome.
Thinking about this, you encourage your kids to find a New Years Eve sleepover.
You message Ellie for the first time. She’s actually pretty cool about your
silence, especially once you use the moving house excuse. She invites herself
around for New Years, saying her housemates are having a party that she could
not be less interested in attending.
 
She arrives just after nine, just after you’ve started a racing game with Rose.
It’s actually a lot easier to play without your shades on, but Rose is still
neck and neck with you. Dave answers the door.
‘Hey,’ she says. ‘Dave, right?’
‘Yeah, uh, come in.’
You would roll your eyes if you were willing to take them off the screen for
even a second. What an awkward greeting.
‘Hi, Ellie, I’ll just be a minute,’ you say. ‘Fuck, you drive like a maniac,
Lalonde, I am not taking you to the DMV anytime soon.’
‘Like you would anyway,’ Rose says. ‘Can you even drive a real car?’
‘I’ve … I did it once,’ you say.
‘Bro’s got a problem with competitiveness,’ Dave says to Ellie. ‘You want a
drink or something?’
‘I got beer in the fridge,’ you say.
Ellie sits next to you while Dave fetches her a beer.
‘You were at the cafe that one time, too, weren’t you?’ Ellie says to Rose.
‘Uh, yeah, strangest thing, El, turns out Rose is mine and Dave’s cousin.
Didn’t even know she existed til I recognised her mom from family things.’
‘Oh, cool,’ Ellie says. ‘Yeah, actually, I can see the resemblance.’
‘And, fuck, Rose, that has to be cheating!’
‘The game allows it.’
‘I told you not to play with her, Bro, I warned you.’
‘Sorry, Ellie, don’t mean to be distracted. The kids are going to their friends
house for the night, but their ride is running late.’
‘Oh, I’m not opposed to playing games. I’m just glad I don’t have to be holding
Rachel’s hair tonight.’
Dave picks up the conversational slack while you nudge Rose, hoping to break
her concentration.
‘That your housemate?’ he says.
You all get along remarkably well until the doorbell rings and John picks Rose
and Dave up. You hear him asking Dave who the “pretty lady” is at a stupidly
loud volume after you close the door. You share a grin with Ellie.
‘Is it really tacky of me to give you a huge kiss the second the kids are
gone?’ you ask.
‘I think you better, or else we’re going to end up landing in the bromance
zone,’ she says with a smile.
You step close to her and hold her cheek in your hand as you kiss her tenderly.
‘Okay, so you said you were looking after your brother, but I don’t think I got
what that meant until I just saw it,’ she says. ‘That’s a big responsibility.’
‘Yeah, I’m lucky he’s such a good kid. Minimum guardian dilemmas, you know?’
You get her another beer and settle on the couch. You take an empty bottle from
the fridge. You felt all sneaky, preparing pretend drinks ahead of time.
‘He said you haven’t brought anyone home before,’ she says.
‘Well, our last place was a lot smaller and I guess I’ve only just gotten
comfortable with the idea of him going to a friends place and not feeling the
need to check in with him a million times. And, I like you.’
You give her a smile. She smiles back.
‘Sorry, was that too much? I don’t really date much, but people aren’t supposed
to just come out and say they like each other, are they?’ you say.
She laughs.
‘Yeah, heaven forbid anyone is honest about their feelings. I much prefer this
way,’ she says, and she puts her hand on your hand, where it’s resting on your
thigh.
You lean in and kiss her, all gentle. She chases it, makes it deeper. You pull
apart just long enough to put your beers down and then crowd her to the end of
the couch. You kiss and suck at her neck and the little whimpery noises she
makes go right to your dick.
Then your phone starts to ring.
You pull back and glare at it. You are a responsible guardian whose kids should
be able to contact you at any time. You cannot just turn the phone off and go
back to making out on the couch. You take a deep breath and answer.
‘Hey, Bro,’ Dave says.
You don’t bother answering. He’ll get to the point.
‘So, this party is a lot less innocent than I thought it was going to be?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just, I thought it was just going to be the same type of thing as my birthday,
but Eridan’s gone way overboard and there’s all these rich kids with booze and
I think drugs and um, John’s not quite comfortable and we were thinking maybe
we should just bail?’
‘Okay, so what, you’re gonna go back to Egbert’s early?’
‘Well, no, we were gonna stay here, remember, and John’s dad was going to his
own party and Gamzee’s dad is useless and …’
‘How many kids are you asking me to host right now,’ you ask, pressing your
fingers to the bridge of your nose. The one time you bring someone home instead
of just going out and assuming Dave’ll be fine in the house by himself.
‘Okay, so me and Rose, obviously, John, Tavros and Gamzee. Jade is … I don’t
know where she is but I think she’s fine, Eridan’s having the time of his
fucking life, the douchebag, and everyone else can handle themselves.’
‘Can you get a taxi?’
‘We can come home?’
‘Of course you can fuckin’ come home.’ You grab your hair and resist shouting
at him. Okay, he’s probably just nervous, be cool.
‘Yeah, um, okay, taxi. Sorry, Bro.’
‘Kid, I … do you have enough cash?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Okay, well, see you soon then.’
You hang up and groan into your hands for a few seconds before turning to
Ellie.
‘I am so fuckin’ sorry, I cannot believe this is happening.’
‘Do you want me to leave?’
‘I really don’t, but I also get it if you don’t want to hang out with a bunch
of teenagers.  Fuck , this guardian thing sucks sometimes.’
‘Well, it’s this or my stupid party, so if it isn’t too weird I guess I’ll hang
out with you guys.’
You smile and give her a little kiss.
‘Part of me wants to make this the best slumber party ever to reward these kids
for not wanting to be at a party with drugs and booze, because 16 year old me
would have been all over that and I can’t believe how good these kids are. But
then another part of me doesn’t want to make it so awesome that my place
becomes the new slumber party heaven.’
‘The first one’s more fun,’ Ellie points out.
‘Okay, help me move the couches.’
You take the mattresses off Rose’s and Dave’s beds and put them on the floor in
the lounge room and grab all the blankets and pillows and cushions that Rose
made you buy. You and Dave got a couple pillows for your beds and thought that
was it, but Rose brought a cacophony of cushions into the apartment. Maybe you
should have given them a smaller budget for their rooms. Ah well, not like you
don’t have the money.
You find snacks in the pantry while Ellie peruses your DVD collection. She
holds up your My Little Pony series and you tell her it’s ironic in your least
convincing voice. She smirks and puts it back.
The kids arrive and you punch Dave in the arm.
‘Don’t doubt me, shithead,’ you tell him.
He rubs his arm and goes to investigate the sweet setup.
‘He didn’t actually doubt you,’ Rose says. ‘As soon as he saw  that ,’ she
points at Gamzee who is sitting in wheelchair kid’s lap talking way too loudly
about clowns, ‘he said, “Bro will be our ironic saviour,” and called you.’
You punch her too, just to be safe.
Ellie insists on staying up with the kids and watching the superhero movie with
them, which is actually pretty nice. You cuddle her on the couch while the kids
lie all over each other. You steal Gamzee after his third glass of water to
make sure he isn’t going to accidentally drown himself and taste his blood to
see just how high he is. Barely high at all. Okay, kid just likes to talk
clowns and has no volume control, you can respect that.
He tries to touch your teeth when you take your mouth away and you roll your
eyes before making him forget it all. When you push him back to the mattress
pile he immediately drapes himself over Tavros again.
You end up sleeping with Ellie without actually  sleeping  with her. Seemed
kinda tacky to do anything with the kids in the other room. You still make out
a bit and then bite her on the neck, covering it with a hickey. She brought a
scarf, she’ll be fine. You wait until she’s properly asleep in your arms before
getting your iPhone out so you can dick about on the Internet. You’re glad
you’ve made meditation a hobby, because it was so hard when you were first
turned to put up with doing nothing, especially with heightened senses.
When you kiss her goodbye the next morning, Rose gives a rather exceptional
wolf whistle. You decide hallways are a better place to say goodbye.
‘I know this was not a typical date,’ you say, rubbing the back of your neck.
‘But I had fun?’
‘Yeah, me too,’ she says with a little smile. ‘Don’t leave it so long next
time, yeah?’
Back in your apartment you give all the kids a healthy number of punches and
pancakes.
***** Chapter 13 *****
You’re lying on your bed listening to Dave’s music, when Rose bursts into your
room.
‘I’m so glad I never partake in any activities that I don’t want my kids seeing
me doing,’ you say to the room as you sit up. Then you see Rose’s face. ‘What’s
wrong?’
‘Kanaya,’ she says, and she’s a fucking mess, her eyes are wild and her
mascara’s smudged and she doesn’t look like your Rose at all.
‘Rose ,’ you say, demanding more information.
‘She’s hurt, she’s so hurt, you gotta help me, please!’
‘Lead the way,’ you say.
You follow her to the door of the building and the sun hasn’t fucking set yet.
She doesn’t even realise you aren’t following her until she’s halfway down the
block. Fuck it, you’d do anything for this girl. You get back upstairs faster
than you ever have, put on a hoodie and flash back down before she has had time
to get much farther. You keep your hands in your pockets and hood up, and it
might not be the perfect solution, but you’ll be okay.
‘Rose, you can go faster than this,’ you remind her, and then she’s flash-
stepping, jumping forward and winking back into existence every 30 feet or so.
You’re usually way faster, but the sun is seeping through your hoodie and
you’re getting weaker the longer you’re in it. If you hadn’t fed only a couple
days ago you would be down to human level strength by now.
Rose leads you to Dave’s skatepark, and yeah, there’s Kanaya, she’s got an
alarmingly large blood stain around her middle.
‘Get her in the shade,’ you say, looking around for somewhere undercover.  Fuck
, what, do skaters not need a shady place? The trees will have to do, even
though it’s not nearly good enough, if trees could cut it you could probably
have the windows open all the time, but whatever, it’s better than nothing.
Not for the first time you find yourself wondering why you’ve pretty much
stayed in Texas your whole life. Middle of fucking winter and it still feels
like a spring day. You loved that when you were human. Now it fucking sucks.
Rose, Karkat and Dave carry Kanaya to the trees where you’re panting, trying to
get some relief. You haven’t been out of breath since you were human. You do
not break the rules of your existence. Stupid love, making you stupid.
‘You called an ambulance?’ you ask.
‘They don’t take stab wounds,’ Dave says, his face grim. ‘Even if they did,
closest one’s, what, St John’s? Too far away.’
They’ve wrapped Rose’s scarf real tight around Kanaya’s middle, but it’s soaked
through. They’ve done all the first aid you know.
‘What are you thinking I can do?’ you ask, voice all low. You already know what
they’ll say.
‘Bro,’ Dave says. ‘You can  fix  this.’
‘Davey, you might be wantin’ to take your boy away, huh? This might have a bit
more to do with Rose, I’m thinkin’.’
Dave frowns at you for a long moment, but then Kanaya starts to shake, her eyes
scrunched closed and his eyes go all wide. He drags Karkat away. You don’t pay
attention to what he says to get him to agree to go with him.
Rose whines and grips your arm. Her eyes won’t leave Kanaya’s face. It’s pretty
disturbing, the way her body is writhing like that. It  feels  like that’s just
something her body is doing, like Kanaya doesn’t have anything to do with it.
‘It’s not  fixing  it, Rosie,’ you say. ‘She’ll never see the sun again. She
can forget about her garden. It’ll be years before she trusts herself around
humans. She’ll have to be awake, all the time, over-aware of  everything . She
won’t die unless she’s killed, she’ll watch you grow up and die and she’ll be
16. 16, Rose, not 24, not an adult who can buy apartments and live alone with
no questions asked, eternally 16, having to influence adults into buying shit
and because the world won’t give her power, she’ll have to  take  it.’
Rose holds your eyes through your shades through your speech.
‘I love her,’ she says. ‘Dad … Please …’
You never thought you’d turn anyone. You didn’t turn Jake or Jane or Roxy. Jake
asked you to so many times. And as for people that meant nothing to you? Why
would you?
You can’t say no to Rose.
You take Kanaya’s wrist and sink your teeth into it. No point going for
subtlety here. You drink, much deeper than you usually would because the sun
has given you a fucking beating and because you have to if this is going to
work. Kanaya immediately relaxes, the shaking stopping. Her eyes focus for the
first time since you arrived and meet yours.  Fuck.  You’d swear out loud if
your mouth wasn’t full of blood. You’re supposed to maintain eye contact. You
knock your shades off with the hand that isn’t holding Kanaya’s wrist to your
mouth and hold her gaze. You close the puncture wounds with a lick of your
tongue and then break eye contact to eye your own wrist. It’s definitely the
best place for Kanaya to drink from. Luke gave you his wrist. Your hesitation
lasts barely two seconds, but you feel them weigh heavily on your shoulders.
How dare you hesitate when so much is at stake. You bite into your wrist before
you can think about it too much and then hold it to Kanaya’s mouth. She’s still
so out of it, but she takes to your wrist like it’s cocaine or something,
suddenly focussed, suddenly  strong.  She holds your wrist to her mouth like
she’d rip it off your body before she let it go and she gulps down  way  more
blood than you gave her.
You’re really grateful you fed only a couple days ago.
She’s still not stopping.
Goddamn you wish the sun wasn’t out.
Where’s your super-strength when you want to knock out a girl who’s bleeding to
death?
Your vision begins to develop these strange black spots.
Are you going to pass out?
You haven’t gone into any kind of altered state of consciousness in …
Wow thinking is hard.
You must lose time, because it’s dark when you next are aware of your thoughts.
You sit up and take stock of your surroundings. Dave’s back, with Karkat,  fuck
and there’s Rose, holding Kanaya who looks dead, but won’t be, now.
‘Wegoddaburyer,’ you say. Woah. Nice words, Dirk.
Dave and Karkat look at you immediately. Rose is too busy holding Kanaya’s
head. Oh, she’s crying, you don’t like that at all.
‘ Dave ,’ you say. ‘I’m not nearly in a state where I can act normal for your
bf.’ Yup, b-f has just as many syllables as boyfriend. You don’t know why
you’re the way you are.
‘Can’t keep him away,’ Dave says, sounding grave and proud at the same time.
‘Just gonna have to tell him the truth like an idiot.’
You let out a long moan for a while and then stop because that isn’t actually
helping.
‘Wait, if that’s the case …’ Oh fuck, are you that much of a dickhead? Yeah,
actually you are pretty close to death and are Dave and Rose gonna dig a grave?
No, it’s gonna be up to you, maybe you deserve this? Shit you feel drunk …
‘What?’ Dave prompts, shaking your shoulder.
‘Can I have just a teeny bit of your boyfs blood?’ you ask. ‘Man, I sound lame,
why would anyone do this?’
Dave laughs like he’s surprised and then claps his hands over his mouth. Not
laughing time. Stress time.
‘ Dude ,’ he says.
‘Yeah, that’s hella wrong. I jus’ din’ wanna ask you or Rose, you don’ smell
like food, ya know? Prolly do in a pinch, and lordy lord do we have a pinch
right now.’
Dave looks at you in horror.
‘Shit. Um. Shit.’
‘What’s he talking about?’ Karkat asks, and you think that’s the first sentence
you’ve heard him say that didn’t include a swear word and you giggle.
‘Fuck, I don’t have time to do this gently,’ Dave says. ‘My bro’s a vampire,
he’s started to turn Kanaya, the sun’s done something weird to him, or maybe
it’s the blood loss from the Kanaya thing and he’s asking to have some of your
blood and I don’t think mine will work because he’s never been interested in
it, not even when he went six months without blood a couple years ago.’
‘What. The. Fuck.’ Karkat says.
Yeah that probably sums it up.
‘Look, it could save Kanaya’s life,’ Dave says.
There’s a long pause. You wonder if you should be keeping your eyes open.
‘What do I do?’ Karkat asks, and shit, his voice broke there, that’s a bit
heartbreaking, can you do this?
‘Give him your wrist,’ Dave says, and he sounds like he knows what he’s talking
about even though you’ve never fed in front of him, didn’t want him to see you
like that.
And then there’s hot blood under your mouth and you don’t hesitate, you’re just
suddenly biting him and then oh my god that tastes good, you need his blood,
that’s it, you feel like yourself again, oh shit, this is not okay, you’re
being way too vampire at the moment.
You force yourself to pull back.
Karkat’s wrist is still bleeding, so you pull it back for a moment so you can
lick it and the skin closes.
He looks a bit freaked out.
You take deep breaths.
‘Thanks, kid,’ you say. ‘Holy fuck, I can’t even remember the last time …’
Dave and Karkat are staring at you wide eyed. Not the time for a ramble.
Rose is still holding Kanaya and sobbing.
You shake yourself and stand up.
Woah, still woozy.
That’s new, but you can cope. You scoop Kanaya into your arms and you don’t
have control of your speed so it happens too quickly and Rose is  snarling  at
you like she thinks she’s an animal and you giggle again and then stop.
‘Okay, children, everything’s going according to plan,’ you say. ‘Dave the
babe, where’s the nearest graveyard?’
‘Uh …’ he says. He looks around. ‘This way.’
This is why you have goth kids.
Ha.
Dave slings Karkat’s arm over his shoulders and Rose’s on his other side and
leads the way, so slowly away from the skatepark. You snort and grab Rose,
throwing her into piggy back position and then Dave speeds up, just dragging
Karkat along as he half jogs down the street. You must look  so  weird. You
don’t think Rose or Karkat really need help moving, but hey, you’re Striders,
you’re faster than speeding bullets, you’re taking control.
You get to the graveyard and you put you drop Kanaya and Rose and put your
hands on your knees, panting. Breathing is weird. That thought makes you giggle
again. Man, you need a week of rest and at least another pint of blood.
‘Hindu, right Rose?’ you ask.
She nods.
‘Okay, do a quick Google, make sure there’s been some hindus buried here or it
ain’t going to work.’
Dave takes his phone out and a moment later nods in confirmation. You hope
Kanaya isn’t too attached to her religion. Giving up catholicism was actually
pretty liberating for you.
You find an appropriate spot and put your super speed and strength to use,
digging a grave. It doesn’t need to be six feet deep, but it needs to be
respectable. You jump out and pick Kanaya up.
You hesitate.
‘Rosie, she’s gonna be fine. I’m just gonna lay her down for rest, just for a
little bit. You wanna say goodbye first?’
Rose looks so afraid, but she crawls over on her knees and kisses Kanaya on her
forehead. She holds Kanaya’s face for a long moment before she touches her
forehead to hers and then lets go. Dave drags Rose into a hug and you jump back
into the grave and arrange Kanaya so she looks like she might be sleeping. Job
done, you climb back out and begin to pile the soil back into the grave. Karkat
helps you, which you find a bit strange, but maybe he’s feeling as awkward as
you are by Dave holding Rose all close. Better to be doing something. You hate
the sound of Rose crying.
You and Karkat pat the earth down and then sit down next to Rose and Dave. You
lost your shades a while ago. Hopefully Dave picked them up. Would it help to
talk?
‘Luke didn’t tell me he was gonna turn me. I thought he was just feeding, I
remember that feeling nice. I dunno, I liked being useful to him. And there’s
something vampy there too, like, gives the vic happy feelings so they don’t
struggle. And then he gave me his blood and … like, I’d had drugs, I’d drunk
alcohol, I knew there were some nice tasting things in the world, but I’d never
wanted anything more than I wanted his blood.’ That might not have been
appropriate, strictly speaking. You give a little laugh. Small improvement to
light headed giggles. ‘Anyway, I don’t remember my burial but by fuck do I
remember waking up.’ You hesitate. How much is okay to say? ‘It … was …
unpleasant.’ Obviously. ‘Scary. Waking up, buried alive, or so it felt. But so
strong and so scared, it took no time at all to get to the surface.’ Ah … too
much detail? Nah, they’d wonder about it if you didn’t tell them. ‘And Luke was
there waiting, he’d got me a guy to feed on——shit!’ You leap to your feet. ‘We
got to find her a human, I don’t wanna take any more from Karkat.’
‘How long do we got?’ Dave asks.
‘Time is it now?’
Dave pulls out his phone and laughs humourlessly.
‘It’s not even 9, what the fuck,’ he says.
‘Cool, so, I got out just before dawn, she should too. We got time.’
You sit down again.
‘So, I drank from this guy Luke brought me, he had to bite him for me even
though I’d seen him do it a million times, I just had no idea what to do with
my teeth and then he took me home and helped me adjust.’
You made a strange couple, you a tall buff guy in your mid twenties, completely
dependant on him, a 15 year old kid with hundreds of years of wisdom.
‘She’s going to be okay?’ Rose asks. Her voice is husky from all the crying.
You grab her hands.
‘She’s gonna be fine.’
You lean your head on Rose’s shoulder for a bit, just resting.
‘So, I gotta ask what happened,’ you say.
‘She tried to calm down a fuckhead who didn’t want to be calmed down,’ Karkat
says dryly. ‘Lost his temper and stabbed her instead of the dickmuncher who’d
stolen from him or whatever the fuck his problem was. Then everyone freaked and
ran away like stabbings are contagious. Which, I guess they could be? If the
dickhead with the knife hadn’t already run away too?’
‘Fuck,’ you say. ‘Is it safe for you guys to be there?’
‘Usually,’ Dave says. ‘And … you know … got a bit more strife practice than
most.’
‘Right.’
‘Can we get back to the whole “vampires are fucking real” thing?’ Karkat asks.
Dave pats him on the shoulder comfortingly. Karkat fails to look comforted.
‘Yeah, vampires are real,’ you say. ‘Any follow up questions?’
‘Kanaya’s going to be one too.’
Not a question, but whatever, you nod as much as you can while still leaning on
Rose. Huh, maybe you should stop doing that, you’re pretty heavy.
‘You don’t have a sun disease.’
‘I dunno, I’d argue that I have a sun disease,’ you say, rolling your sleeves
up. Yuck, blisters. ‘Oh my god, does my face look as bad as my arm?’ you
demand.
‘You just look sunburnt, you’re fine,’ Dave says. He doesn’t sound sympathetic,
which you hope means the damage isn’t bad, not just that he doesn’t think now
is the time for you to get all vain.
‘How long is that going to last?’ Karkat asks.
‘Fuck if I know. I generally avoid the things that could kill me.’
‘That is such a fucking stupid vulnerability,’ Karkat says. ‘If I stabbed you
in the heart with a stake would that kill you too?’
‘Well, yeah, but it would if I was human too,’ you say.
Ha, that stumped him.
‘The blood thing …’ he says.
‘Yeah, I drink blood, no I don’t kill people,’ you say so he doesn’t have to
ask the obvious question.
‘How does that work?’
You give up on leaning on Rose and lie down properly. You haven’t slept since
you were turned, but man could you go for a cat nap now.
‘So, I have blood working the same way as a human, obviously, with the being
able to move and all that stuff, but instead of converting food into energy, I
just absorb other people’s blood from my stomach into my bloodstream. I mean,
as best as I can figure. It isn’t like there’s a handbook. But if I drink too
much, it feels awful, because it takes a while to filter through the systems.
I’m feeling a bit glutted now, to be honest, but hopefully my stomach realises
that I really need that blood to be replaced and kicks it up a gear because I’m
also woozy as hell.’
‘You said earlier that the guy who turned you fed on you …’
‘Yeah, well that’s the easiest way to do it, have a regular human there to
donate blood.’
‘Do you have one at the moment?’
You think of Ellie, but two feeds doesn’t really count.
‘Nah, it’s a pretty big commitment. Have done in the past. With Dave and Rose’s
mom. And once before that.’
‘Commitment how?’
‘Well, there’s the whole keeping the secret thing. And …’ Shit it’s awkward
that you fed from your kid’s boyfriend. Well, if he’s not feeling all mushy
towards you, you aren’t gonna bring it up. ‘Look, you’re probably feeling
pretty normal now, right?’
‘Yeah …’
‘Well, you ever donate blood? They take about a pint, I just took a pint and a
half from you. Might not seem like much but you only got 10 to give. And after
a donation you feel all woozy and need to take it easy, but you feel pretty
normal right now. Maybe even better than usual.’
‘What …’
‘I got a venom or something on my fangs, it helps make the person I bite all
chill while I feed and then gives them a bit of a boost so they can cope with
the blood loss afterwards. You feel normal now, but go for a run tomorrow.
You’ll be faster and you’ll go for longer and unless you push too far, you
won’t be puffed or pull up sore.’
‘How long?’
‘Six weeks.’
‘Fuck.’
You keep quiet, letting Karkat come to terms with everything. He’d be better
off asking Roxy these questions, she’s the one who figured it all out. Luke and
his friends couldn’t give a shit about why they worked the way they did, they
just accepted it. Knew the rules, passed down like bedtime stories. Now you
know the sunlight one is not to be fucked around with.
You wake up to Dave shaking your shoulder.
‘What the fuck,’ you say.
‘Yeah, was wondering that myself,’ he says. ‘You don’t sleep.’
‘What time is it?’ you ask. You don’t know how to reassure him you’re okay when
you haven’t been in this position before.
‘4am. Thought we should be grabbing a donor for Kanaya, right?’
‘Fuck. Right.’ You stand up and shake your limbs out.
Rose and Karkat are asleep.
‘Okay, I’m going to find someone. You staying guard?’
Dave lifts his chin like he thinks you’re making fun. But you haven’t been
vulnerable like that in decades. You’re glad it was him watching over you.
‘I’ll come with,’ he says. He wakes Rose up with a touch. ‘Bro and I are off.
Needles out, sis.’
She pulls out her knitting needles and sits up straight, alert almost
immediately.
You ruffle her hair before you walk away. Dave falls into step with you easily.
‘There still that 24 hour diner up here?’ you ask.
He nods.
‘We’ll try there first. Don’t fancy knocking on doors and hoping we get a
bachelor.’
You walk in silence. Just outside the door, you hold out a hand and stop him.
‘Look, I’ve never had trouble influencing before, but I’ve never fallen asleep
accidentally before either. If this doesn’t work, I need you to take over. So,
shades off, yeah?’
Dave’s eyes are wide behind his shades but he nods and he looks stoic as
anything by the time he takes them off.
There’s two people in the diner, on opposite ends. One’s a woman in her 40s,
practically falling asleep into her coffee, the other …
‘Gamzee?’ Dave says.
The kid looks over to you and his face lights up.
‘There’s my best motherfucking friend!’ he says and he bounds over to give Dave
a hug.
You meet Dave’s eyes and ask the question silently.
‘Wanna come for a walk with us Gamz?’ he asks.
‘I’ll get my walk on real good for you, best friend,’ Gamzee says. ‘And it’s
this guy!’ he notices you and gives you a hug as well. Such a strange kid. You
really hope Kanaya doesn’t drink him dry.
He follows you peaceably outside and along the pavement. You make eye contact,
just in case, and say, ‘We’re going to hang out in a graveyard with Karkat and
Rose. That sounds like a nice time, right?’
‘Woah, yeah, sounds like a motherfucking miracle, you meeting me like this all
sociable and shit.’
‘Why aren’t you at home, Gamz?’ Dave asks.
‘Dad changed the locks, the silly goat,’ he says. ‘All motherfucking … caprine
or some shit.’
You look to Dave for clarification, but he looks just as baffled as you.
‘You need a place to stay tonight?’
‘I could do with a spot to get my snooze on, yeah, motherfuck,’ he says,
nodding his head. He notices Rose and Karkat and suddenly breaks out into a
run.
‘There’s my best motherfucking friend!’ he says, falling onto Karkat’s sleeping
body with zero concern for the safety of anyone’s limbs.
‘I thought  you  were his best motherfucking friend,’ you say to Dave.
‘I think everyone is,’ Dave says. ‘But Karkat’s probably the winner. Him or
Tavros.’
‘Get the fuck off me you gangly fucking fuck!’ Karkat says, his voice all
muffled.
‘Karbro, I saw the ocean and it was so motherfucking pretty, it was like a
little miracle for my eyes, all cooked up for me by the gods.’
‘Hey, Gamzee, hop off Karkat for us, there’s a good kid,’ you say.
Gamzee does and gives you a dopey grin from the ground. Karkat sits up and
shoves Gamzee in the shoulder, presumably in retaliation. Gamzee just falls
over onto his side.
‘How long are we going to have to wait?’ Rose asks.
‘I dunno, sorry. Wasn’t in the best position for observing last time.’
‘Is there any particular reason you decided Gamzee would be an appropriate
first meal for Kanaya? She’ll probably get second hand high from him, that
doesn’t seem like a fun time.’ Rose is staring a bit distastefully at Gamzee,
who hasn’t bothered to sit himself upright yet.
‘Uh, that’s a good point …’ you say. You go sit next to Gamzee. You look him in
his glassy eyes. ‘This is completely normal,’ you say, and then you take half a
mouthful of blood from his wrist.
‘Your teeth are bitchtits crazy!’ Gamzee says happily.
‘Yup,’ you agree. ‘His blood’s actually pretty clean,’ you say to Rose. ‘I
could get someone else, but she took enough of mine to be getting on with so I
think this’ll be fine.’
Rose nods, accepting your judgement. Good. This really is your domain, you
should probably act like more of an authority figure.
You all sit and watch the grave. Turns out you’re not so crazy about being on
this side of the ground, either.
***** Chapter 14 *****
Chapter Notes
     I told you stuff would start happening!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Waiting for Kanaya to surface is the strangest mix of agonisingly boring and
unbearably tense. Even Gamzee is affected by the mood, squished in between Dave
and Karkat and looking like he hangs out in graveyards all the time. Karkat
wrapped a scarf around him as soon as they arranged themselves comfortably and
is now rubbing Gamzee’s bare arm. You throw them your hat jumper, not wanting
the kid to freeze. What kind of asshole locks their son outside in the middle
of winter wearing a t-shirt? At least he has long pants.
‘When this happens,’ you say, breaking the silence, ‘we’re gonna want to head
home right after it settles. Sunlight is not her friend, okay?’
They all nod at you, even Gamzee. You suddenly have a thought.
‘Karkat, are your parents not worried about you?’
‘I told Dad I was sleeping over at Dave’s. Thought it was a fucking miracle
Dave still wanted to be with me after having to endure the lecture on proper
sleepover etiquette, but it turns out his dad’s baggage is just heavier than
mine.’
‘That is a miracle,’ Gamzee says sleepily. ‘Your love is just … so miraculous
…’
Everyone ignores him.
‘Am I supposed to be fine with boyfriend sleepovers?’ you ask. Like one of the
16 year olds is going to tell you how to make responsible parenting decisions.
You should probably Google it instead.
‘Opportunities for corrupting my innocence are about six feet below possible
tonight,’ Dave says dryly. ‘Think you’re fine, Bro.’
Right. The group lapses back into awkward silence.
Almost half an hour later, Rose notices the first disturbance in the soil. You
make careful eye contact with each of them.
‘You  will  keep within 20 feet of me until I tell you otherwise,’ you say in
your most commanding voice. You really don’t need any of them spooking and
doing a runner. You have a feeling Gamzee would be impossible to catch if he
put his mind to it.
Kanaya’s hand breaks the surface and then she scrambles out with panicked
quickness. She launches herself at you and you catch her and hold her close.
She presses her face into your neck and takes shuddery breaths while you stroke
her dirty hair.
Rose looks hurt beside you, but there’s no helping that. You weren’t sure this
would happen, didn’t know to warn them, but it makes sense to you. You’re
Kanaya’s sire. That means something.
‘Kanaya,’ you say gently. ‘You’re okay.’
She pulls her head back to stare into your eyes. Her once brown irises are now
a lovely jade green colour.
‘I’m okay,’ she says.
‘Gamzee, come here, please,’ you say. ‘This will not hurt or alarm you,’ you
tell him, breaking eye contact with Kanaya so you can hypnotise him a bit.
You bite into Gamzee’s wrist and offer it to Kanaya, your arm still around her
waist. She drinks eagerly and you count in your head to make sure she isn’t
taking too much. You stop her at about two litres. You take Gamzee’s wrist from
her and lick the wounds closed. She sucked a bruise around your bite as well.
You sigh and feel a bit guilty about the knowledge that no one will question a
mark like that on a kid like Gamzee.
‘Kanaya, we’re going to my home now. Will you do as I say?’
‘I will do as you say,’ she agrees.
‘Dave, look after Gamzee,’ you say, and then you lead the way. You don’t
flashstep, not wanting to leave behind the human kids or freak Kanaya out. You
have an awful feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach, but you hope you’re
wrong. You have time to figure all this out once you get to the safety of the
apartment. Kanaya clings to you the whole way.
You sit on the end of the couch so Rose can sit on the other side of Kanaya.
The boys take the other couch. Dave hands Karkat and Gamzee a lemonade each and
you spare a moment to be proud of him for trying to boost their blood sugar.
You get them water, like actual donors would do. Then you refocus on Kanaya.
‘Kanaya, you’re a vampire now. Like me,’ you tell her.
‘Yes, that is what makes most sense,’ she says.
‘You were stabbed and you were going to die. I stopped that from happening. If
you want to move on, though, I will kill you. You just have to ask.’
‘Dad!’ Rose says.
‘Kid, this is not up to you. We did not ask her if she wanted this, we pushed
it on her.’
‘I do not want to die,’ Kanaya says.
‘I’m glad.’
‘But … I do not know what this kind of living entails.’
‘I’ll tell you everything you need to know. I haven’t …  sired  anyone before,
but I’ve been around long enough to help.’
‘I trust you,’ she says.
‘Yeah, what’s going on with that?’ Karkat says, his voice wary. ‘Sorry to
interrupt, what-fucking-ever, but Kanaya and I are close. I know she didn’t
trust you.’
‘I’m her sire,’ you tell him. ‘It’s an important bond.’
‘Look, tell me if I’m wrong, I really want you to tell me I’m wrong, but she’s
looking at you like she’s about to strip all her clothes off and prostrate
herself at your feet.’
You close your eyes for a second and try to think of what to say.
‘When Luke turned me, I was already his thrall. I already loved him. I know
some of that was because of our blood bond. I … think … that a similar bond has
been formed between Kanaya and myself.’
Rose shifts uncomfortably in her seat.
‘I didn’t know that this would happen,’ you tell her. ‘And she’s alive. And
obviously it isn’t anything that needs to … it’s not like I’d ever act on it,’
you finish weakly.
‘You know Kanaya is the biggest lesbian I’ve ever met in my life,’ Karkat says.
Yeah, you know what that’s like.
‘Her type is humans now. And, I guess, me. But again, nothing I would act on.’
‘That makes no fucking sense, I swear you’re making all this up as you go,’
Karkat accuses.
‘No, okay, so …’ this would be so much less awkward if you hadn’t taken his
blood earlier. ‘Feeding is, like, strangely connected with sex. And it doesn’t
make sense for a vampire to limit the menu to half the population. Maybe not so
much now, but there used to be places where women weren’t allowed or where the
population was so small … I don’t make the rules, bro. I was gay as a fuckin’
meatball before this.’
Dave gives a little laugh.
‘Kanaya,’ Rose says quietly.
Kanaya turns to her and frowns with confusion.
‘I know this isn’t perfect, but I am so glad you’re alive.’
‘Oh, my dear, my Rose,’ Kanaya says. She turns from you and holds Rose’s hands
in her own.
It’s a sweet moment … for about three seconds and then it’s over because Kanaya
is lunging for Rose’s neck.
‘Kanaya, stop,’ you say.
Kanaya sits back immediately.
‘I did not mean to do that.’
‘You just need to be on guard. It gets easier,’ you say gently. ‘I guess I
don’t want your blood because you’re my kids, not the half-vampire thing.’
‘You motherfuckers cool if I get my nap on?’ Gamzee asks. Right, Gamzee’s still
around. You wonder how much of this he’s taking in.
‘Take my bed, kid, second door on the right,’ you say. Gamzee nods and slouches
away. ‘You guys should sleep too. Kanaya, I’m afraid that’s not on the cards
for us, but that’s not a bad thing. You have questions, right?’
‘Rose, wanna all sleep with Gamzee tonight?’ Dave says.
Damn, your kid is nice. Not letting her be alone. Not making it a weird third
wheel thing. Nice kid.
 
The kids go to bed and Kanaya takes a long shower, getting all her grave off
her. You sit on the other side of the door, listening to her cry, hating that
the boundaries are all weird. If it wasn’t for Rose, you’d be in there with
her, holding her through it. Stupid vampire bullshit. When she comes out, she
looks a lot calmer and you sit together in the lounge, answering all her
questions. She’s obviously intelligent. You have no idea what to do about her
parents. You assume you’ll have to hypnotise them to get them to accept why
Kanaya won’t be going out in the sunshine. It’d be easier if she moved in with
you. You could homeschool her with Dave. Not that she has any time pressure on
learning. Not that she can go to university in person. Not that she could have
a normal career.
You frequently have to move away from her, not noticing until you’re far too
close that you’ve been moving towards each other again. Stupid vampire
bullshit. You find yourself mentally counting down the time until you can
reasonably expect the kids to be awake. Until you can have a buffer.
You tell her about your jobs. About Roxy. You tell her how you loved your sire
and how you moved on from him. You tell her you’re sure it will be easier for
her because you’ll never encourage her, there’s no history between the two of
you. You neglect to tell her that you don’t know if you would have gotten over
Luke if he hadn’t died. You’re not willing to kill yourself just so your kid is
less uncomfortable.
 
You are so relieved when Karkat is the first to wake up. Predictably, he looks
incredibly grumpy. You didn’t think he would be a morning person.
‘Coffee?’ he asks, his eyes squinted almost all the way closed. There is
literally no natural light in the room. His eyes apparently don’t care.
‘Uh, I don’t know. Does Dave drink coffee?’ You flash to the kitchen and start
opening cupboards. He follows. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ you tell him.
He shoves you out of the way and manages to find a coffee pot and grounds. Do
your kids drink coffee? Do they put the pot away after they use it? That
doesn’t seem like Dave. You know nothing.
Karkat doesn’t speak while the coffee brews or while he waits for the coffee to
cool down. You might not have drunk coffee in a while, but you feel like you
shouldn’t trust people who drink it black, especially at 16.
You just watch him as his frown becomes less pronounced.
‘Did you sleep well?’ you ask.
‘Yeah, don’t know how. Maybe my sleeping issues for the past decade have all
been because I didn’t have enough limbs stabbing me as I slept. Those ball
fondlers do not know how to keep to their own spaces.’
‘Yeah, Dave used to get his feet right in my back,’ you say.
Karkat looks at you oddly. Oh, right, ‘cause you don’t sleep.
‘No, like, because he had real troubles with nightmares and Jane said she just
let her kid get into bed with her when he had bad dreams, so I just swapped it
round, got into bed with him when he needed it.’
‘What did you do all night?’ Kanaya asks.
‘It gets easier. To be awake. Wish iPhones had been a thing then, though.’
‘You’re not actually a shit dad, are you?’ Karkat says, his eyes narrowed.
‘Oh, I absolutely am. Just … accidentally?’
Karkat continues to look at you suspiciously. And then his expression becomes
more confused. God damn it, your arm’s round Kanaya again. You take it back and
put your hands forcefully in your hoodie pocket. She shifts away as well.
‘Are you struggling with this?’ he asks.
You don’t know what to say, you hate talking in general, talking about
emotions, about things that don’t have proper words, where you have to make
metaphors but keep those metaphors normal … it’s just too hard.
‘I’ll help. Dave too. We’ll distract you.’
You hope that he can see that you’re grateful because you have no idea how to
express that. “ Thanks for cockblocking me ”?
When Rose comes out an hour later, Karkat’s letting Kanaya measure him and
you’re sketching smuppet costumes for him. Dave would freak out so bad if you
could convince Karkat to wear this. Rose heads straight for the coffee that
Karkat’s been periodically returning to ( is he so angry because of the
caffeine? ) and there’s one mystery solved. She sits next to you to drink it.
‘Thank you,’ she says.
You nod.
‘I’m going to be staying here, at least for a little bit,’ Kanaya says, not
looking up from the measuring tape she’s holding to Karkat’s neck. She’s so
clearly focused that you think she’s probably avoiding eye contact on purpose.
‘I was hoping we could spend some time together.’ She makes a note and then
looks at Rose. ‘I promise I won’t bite.’
‘That sounds nice,’ Rose says. She sips at her coffee, looking perfectly
content. You assume she’s actually tense, but you honestly can’t tell. You
really haven’t known her that long. You wish you had some automatic dad sensor.
‘I was thinking that maybe you should bite her,’ you say. All eyes snap to you.
‘What? It forms a bond. You already love each other, maybe that extra bit will
push it over the edge.’
‘But I do not feel a bond to Gamzee,’ Kanaya says.
‘Wait until you see him again to say that.’
You expect Kanaya to look at you quizzically. You don’t expect Karkat to
suddenly hunch over like he’s flinching from the world.
‘Oh, kid, Jesus.’ You sigh. ‘I’ve been like this a while. I got a scootch of
protectiveness for you, but I promise that’s as far as it goes.’
Karkat relaxes slightly, but he’s still all folded in on himself. You thought
he was getting more comfortable with you. You fight down the urge to  make  him
more comfortable easily. Yeah, you’ve been doing this a while. You know what to
watch out for. You're real glad he didn't react that way when you said that
feeding was a weird sex thing. Probably didn't pick up on the implication. You
don't fancy reassuring both your kids partners that you're not going to sleep
with them. God damn, why is your life like this?
Dave walks into the room looking like he always does. You’re not quite sure if
he waits in bed until he’s fully awake or if he’s trained himself to get alert
quicker, because he seems to be the only teenager who can function right away.
You guess you encourage that, shoving puppets in his face when you think his
guard’s getting too sloppy. He pats Karkat on the head as a good morning and
you pointedly turn away so they can kiss or whatever. You wrinkle your face
when you hear the sloppiest kiss you have ever heard in your life happening
behind you. When it ends, you give Dave the finger, but he’s swaggering to the
fridge like he’s hot shit. You follow him, holding your finger out until he
takes notice of it.
‘So, Gamzee is still asleep?’ Kanaya says.
‘Yeah, don’t know how. He’s like a squiddle, he just latches onto whatever’s
near.’
‘Did he squiddle snuggle you, bro?’ you ask him.
Dave’s ears go red as he sips from his apple juice.
You decide not to push it.
‘Okay, well now that the main characters are all awake, I can tell you what the
plan is,’ you say. ‘Kanaya is staying here for a bit. We’re playing the how
long of it by ear. I know I make it look easy, but she’s got shit to learn so I
gotta teach her. We’re gonna tell her parents something but we don’t know what
yet. She’s got nice parents that she wants to stay in touch with so any input
on stories would be appreciated. They’ll believe me whatever I tell them and
they’ll be okay with me taking her. I’ve given her a lot to think about so I’ll
let her go to you guys in her own time with most of it. The real important bit
is that she’s here to stay and as weird as it is, she’s just as much my kid as
you two are. I made her how she is, all on purpose. Ground rules: no sun. No
making her angry. If you think she’s gonna have any kinda emotional reaction,
you call me in, don’t care how awkward it is. Dave, go get bacon and sausages
and OJ for breakfast.’
‘What? No one here drinks orange juice? Why doesn’t Rose have to go?’
‘Because vitamin C is fucking important for iron absorption, so get the shit
from the fridge, not the processed shelf crap. And because I said so is why.’
Dave grumbles a bit more but is considerably quieter about it when Karkat
volunteers to go with him. You stuff a $50 bill down the back of his pants to
cover the costs and then flash away before he can accuse you. He still does.
But you have plausible deniability. There is no one in your apartment who
stands up for you when you protest and you guess you’re okay with that.
Chapter End Notes
     Okay, so yes, this is an awkward thing I wrote. But stories need
     conflict and this is a big conflict. If this starts to make you feel
     uncomfortable, it's not going to stop being a thing, so make the
     choice to keep reading or stop.
***** Chapter 15 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It’s a relief to get out of the apartment. You know that you should have more
patience with Kanaya. You know she has been thrust into your world without
warning and that has to suck. You know she doesn’t want your weirdo connection
any more than you do. But fuck, it’s a relief to get out of the apartment.
Lil Cal sits on your shoulder as you walk to the club. You get some looks and
you tell your puppet buddy it’s because he’s looking so fly and give him a
fistbump.
When you get to the club, Darryl asks you both for your ID as he always does.
Fucker thinks it’s funny. You kinda do, too. You flash around Cal, have him
take out the stupid pretend license you made for him. It’s made out of felt.
Your image doesn’t budge, Cal sitting on your shoulder and leaning down to hand
his license. Darryl’s pretty short for a security guy, but he’s built like a
tank. You’ve seen him throw guys your size out before no worries. You hand your
ID too, it says you’re 26 now, makes you glad that all 20-somethings just look
like 20-somethings. Kanaya is gonna have trouble with this.
Darryl nods, fistbumps Cal and you’re in. You hear a guy behind the rope
complain and Darryl tell him you’re the talent, don’t you recognise Bro and
Cal, you stupid fuck? You grab a beer from the bar for appearances and make
your way to the booth. They give them to you for free and you’ve been told off
for getting drunk before, which is hilarious. You don’t need booze to act like
an asshole, can’t blame it on the beers you leave in random spots around the
club, but it’s kinda nice to have the excuse. Cronus, the manager, has
apologised on your behalf and said “he’s actually a good guy when he’s sober,”
which again, hilarious.
Someone’s been messing with your booth again. You’ll sic Cal on Cronus later,
make him threaten his manhood or something. Maybe you’ll incorporate it in your
rap battle. Yeah, actually, that’s what you’ll do. Cal can freak the fuck out
over the integrity of his workspace. You sift through rhymes while you connect
your laptop in, leaving yourself wriggle room to improvise.
‘Dirk Strider?’ someone asks you.
You glare down at the guy interrupting you.
Not as far down as usual. Holy shit, this guy’s huge.
‘Bro,’ you correct.
‘I’m not your bro,’ the guy spits. ‘Are you Dirk Strider or not?’
You look at him over your shades so he can see how unimpressed your eyes are.
‘Yes, but I go by Bro. See all the promo shit? I’m Bro, this is Lil Cal, I’m
about to do my fuckin’ show, do you mind?’
The guy glares at you and then turns abruptly. You watch him head for the bar.
You don’t know how he knows your name, especially if he doesn’t know your face.
You would remember sleeping with that guy. He looks like he could rip you in
half. Which should not be an interesting and arousing thought. You return your
focus to your gear. When you have it sorted like you want it, you text Cronus
to let him know you’re ready when he is.
TT: Ready.
CA: giwve me 10
TT: Give me another fuckin’ beer.
CA: you better not get pissed tonight
TT: Maybe I have stage fright. Maybe I need a little liquid courage.
CA: you hawvent been frightened by shit in your life
TT: Frightened of your dick. Maybe the beer’ll help with that too.
CA: dont ewven joke about that id hawve you in a hot second
TT: I generally prefer my partners to last longer than that.
CA: fuck you
He brings the beer over himself. You have Cal slap him on the ass. He glares at
you. You thought you’d probably sleep with him a few years ago and decided to
be open about your puppets, figuring that if anyone was gonna accept them, it
could very well be the guy who saw how good you were with them. And who just
reeked of desperation (thank you, divorce). Puppets were a deal breaker, so you
told him you didn’t have sex without them and sent him a link to your porn. You
think he buys it every now and again, you have a lot of commenters who type
like dickheads, but the wv thing stands out. He’s probably getting used to
watching it so he can sleep with you eventually. You’d give him a discount on
his own smuppet if you thought it would lead to you getting to bring someone
else in on it. Hell, Cronus is hot enough that you could eventually see him
featuring in the porn with you. You could mess that kid up nicely.
Cronus gives you the signal and you pretend to finish off the beer (lid’s still
on) and then start the show. You start with a Cal solo, keeping your image in
your booth while he paces the stage, dances like a little gangsta and fistbumps
the crowd. After two songs, he goads you into a rap battle and you leave your
booth on a base beat and rap with him. He gives you shit for letting people
mess with your gear, for being in love with the gear and then for being gay,
all pretty normal stuff. You give him shit for being a puppet and having a tiny
dick, for living in your cupboard and make a “coming out of the closet” joke.
He tells you that if you’re reading shit into it he’s not gonna let you cuddle
him to sleep anymore. You pretend outrage. It’s funny and the music’s good and
the crowd is eating it up. You swap places, letting Cal take over the booth and
do your own solo. You tend to keep your solos to a minimum, it’s frustrating
making Cal’s huge mittens use the sliders and keyboard while you’re focussing
on the crowd. You love this job, it’s easily your favourite of the three. You
feel challenged, mentally and physically by this. You also like pretending to
be Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike on the stage.
Cal does his last song, laughs creepily and then you have him flash onto a
regular’s shoulders. She freaks out a bit at first, but then bumps fists with
him with a giggle. You walk out to retrieve him.
‘Leave the poor girl alone, Cal, your tiny dick would make her cry,’ you tell
him so she can hear.
‘Lil-lil Cal is a fucking masterpiece of shlong and you know it, fucker,’ he
tells you.
You shrug at her apologetically and make for the bar. Cal blows her a kiss over
your shoulder.
You lean against the bar and are slid a beer almost immediately. Cal fistbumps
the bartender, you have to leap the bar to do it, but you’re too fast for
anyone to see. The giant from before your show catches your eye as you
contemplate going home or hanging about a bit longer.
He’s so angry. Has your show offended him? God, you hope so. You love offending
people.
He makes his way over to you. When someone doesn’t get out of his way, he
shoves him. You think he might make you look like a gentleman in comparison.
You wonder if puppets would be a deal breaker for him.
‘Dirk Strider,’ he says.
‘I really prefer Bro,’ you say.
‘I want to play a game,’ he says.
‘Ooh,’ you say, looking over your shades at him. You want him to see you
checking him out. ‘A sexy game?’
‘No. Fuck you. A game, in which you do not know what I want, but then it turns
out that I wanted to kill you all along, and then you die.’
You look at him blankly. You kind of want to laugh.
‘But now I know what will happen,’ you point out.
‘Yes. But you will not believe me, because you won’t think that I am serious
about your murder. And even though I told you I would kill you, you will still
be surprised when it happens.’
‘Alright.’
‘Don’t fuck with me, Dirk Strider. I want to play this game with you.’
‘Yeah, alright, I’ll play.’
‘If you fail the game, there will be consequences.’
‘I just agreed to play the game.’
‘But if you fail by losing the game.’
‘What, like if I fail at getting killed? Wouldn't that be on you? What
consequences have you got that are worse than death?’
‘I will also kill my sister.’
You smirk at him slightly.
‘Do you think I’ll value a stranger’s life more than my own?’ you ask.
‘Well, for me, it’s a win-win. I want to kill her anyway. I just make it an
element to all the games that I play, because then it will have more
foreshadowing and poetic justice. These are important narrative elements, Dirk
Strider.’
‘Okay … Sorry, I don’t know your name. You really have done this introduction
thing poorly.’
‘I have done this introduction thing perfectly,’ he says. When he grins like
that, you see the glint of a gold tooth. You hope he’s a mobster. That would be
so perfect.
‘So, what’s your name?’ you ask.
He laughs cruelly. You wait for him to stop. He leans in close to your ear.
‘Caliborn. You can call me Cal.’
‘Okay,’ you say peaceably.
‘How very ironic. That the one who will kill you shares a name with your angry
felt man.’
‘He’s a puppet, dude, that’s a common word. And how is that ironic?’
‘Yes, very ironic indeed,’ he says, grinning at you.
‘Cal, are you drunk?’ you ask.
‘No.’
‘Cal, most people don’t threaten people with death in their first conversation.
You didn’t even offer to pay for my beer. I’m not sure my feelings can handle
this.’
‘What? No, death threats are just how I express myself,’ he says. ‘Don’t try to
censor the way I talk, Dirk Strider. That is discrimination and I will not
stand for it.’
He might get a point for that. It is truly a master who can get offended at
someone mildly implying that they haven’t been polite by threatening them to
death. You can win the game, though.
‘Okay. Do I gotta do anything to participate in this? Or just be a willing
corpse? Are you going to fuck my dead body, Cal? Keep it in your pantry for
months, just keeping it there for when you want to get off? Will you puppet me
like I puppet Lil Cal? Will my rhymes still be as dope when I’m dead? Could I
play dead for you for a while so I get something out of it too?’
‘No. That is … No.’ He looks at you with an uncomfortable half-glaring
expression. When will the weirdos ever learn that you can’t freak out Dirk
Motherfucking Strider? Kinda a shame, you totally would have played dead if it
turned out that was what got this guy going. You’ve done kinkier things. He has
ridiculously cute cheeks for a weirdo gangsta stalker. ‘Okay. We’re done here.
This game is over.’
You pout and have Lil Cal slap him on the ass as he walks away. Lil Cal waves
his little hand at Caliborn when he shoots a glare over his shoulder.
You resign yourself to the fact that nothing important is going to happen
tonight. This was just a brief intermission in your new life as shitty guardian
to a growing number of kids. You briefly regret not giving Caliborn a card with
a link to your porn site on it. Some of the weirdos that stalk you pay your
bills. You really enjoy not having to be afraid of humans.
When you get home, Rose is asleep with her head on Kanaya’s lap and Kanaya is
embroidering fabric with lightning fast movements.
‘Hey Kanaya,’ you say quietly. ‘Want me to pop your silly human to bed?’
‘Oh,’ Kanaya says. ‘I did not realise it was so late. Yes, I should have done
that. Her neck will be sore.’
‘She’ll be fine,’ you say. You ease Rose into your arms and carry her to her
room. At least she’s in pyjamas. You tuck her into bed and leave Cal at her
feet before going back to Kanaya.
‘Sewing’s a good hobby, in our position,’ you say. ‘Quiet and precise, keeps
the hands busy. Can be complicated and keep the mind busy or can be straight
forward.’
Kanaya nods.
‘Did you do anything else while I was gone?’
‘Rose told me about the book she is reading.’
‘Could you focus on it?’
Kanaya hesitates and frowns a little.
‘Yes, actually. I find that when Rose speaks my mind doesn’t wander as much.’
‘And me?’
Kanaya’s mouth twists downwards.
‘Everything you say is vitally important to me. I don’t like to be without
you.’
‘I know. It’ll get easier.’ You think. You loved Luke like that until he died
and then some more after that. ‘It’s a good sign that Rose stands out too,’ you
say. It’s probably the truth.
‘Dirk, she’s a night-light next to the sun,’ Kanaya says, and suddenly she’s on
top of you, legs around your waist. You kiss her automatically before your
brain catches up to your tongue and then oh shit, kissing her is so nice, no,
you shove her shoulder back. She catches your lips in her teeth, before she
lets you go. You really struggle to avoid kissing her again. You lean forward
and have to tip your forehead on her shoulder instead. She smells so good,
fuck. You find yourself nibbling at her skin before, no, fuck, stop.
‘Kanaya, get off me,’ you say.
She obeys, of course she obeys. Holy fuck, you need to not be turned on by your
kid’s girlfriend. Down, dick, shit.
‘Kanaya …’ you say, and she’s back again. Her hands are soft against your face.
You let yourself lean in for half a second and then flash step away. Fuck.
Fuck. You thought you were bad at being a biological dad, you are so much worse
at being a vampire dad. Though, to be fair, this probably counts as being bad
at both.
‘Go stand in the kitchen,’ you tell her and you flashstep to your room and lean
against the door. You breathe deeply and find your composure. You walk back to
the kitchen.
‘Sorry, you can be wherever you want,’ you tell her. ‘Just try to keep your
distance.’
‘That was not me,’ she says, and she is so upset, you want to go and hold her
but you won’t be going anywhere near her for a while after that. ‘I mean, it
was, but I don’t want that, I swear. I can resist it.’
‘Yes, you can. We both can. Everything will be alright.’ You don’t know if
you’re saying that to comfort her or to hypnotise her into making it true. ‘I’m
going to my room.’
You feel a bit bad for leaving her alone again, but you really need the
distance. You wish you knew another vampire that you could foist her off onto,
who could look after her and teach her until she’s ready to be independent. You
don’t have the first clue about how you would go about contacting a vampire.
Who would?
Chapter End Notes
     So! Comments are appreciated!
     Thoughts on CalDirk? I haven't written Cal at all before, so ...
     And, yeah, pretty unpleasant to write the KanDirk stuff. But the
     conflict! So ... sorry?
***** Chapter 16 *****
Chapter Notes
     CW: smuppet porn.
     Also, I am well aware that porn is not shot in one take and that porn
     stars generally are a lot more businesslike and a lot less
     "attractive person having a wank" but where's the fun in writing/
     reading that?
You have three jobs. You have your shows with Cal, once a week at Cronus’s
club. You have your smuppets. And then you have your porn. You were obsessive
about numbers before you were turned and it’s only gotten a lot worse since.
You once read an old story where a woman escaped a vampire by scattering beans
on the floor and the vampire compulsively counted them all and was caught in
the sun. You hope you’re not that bad, fuck that would be a dumb way to die,
but you still have a pretty precise schedule that you don’t like to deviate
from. Change makes you anxious. There has been so much change lately.
Tuesdays are Cal nights. Thursdays you film your porn. Fridays you edit and
post it. Mondays you make sure Dave’s homeschool shit is all filed with the
proper people.
The other days you fit in sewing and robotics and music around Dave’s schedule.
And, you guess Rose and Kanaya’s, now. Dave knows he has to get out of the
apartment on Thursdays so you can work at the very least, and Rose fitted well
into that. But Kanaya can’t go out during the day and you’re don’t trust her
outside at night, even with you there yet (which would rather defeat the
purpose) and you always film a couple weeks in advance just in case but you
already used those wiggle room tapes with all the drama going on with Rose and
Christmas.
So on Thursday, you give Kanaya your best pair of noise cancelling headphones,
kick Dave and Rose out and stand in your room, wondering where to start. You
set your camera up facing the bed, because that makes sense. You don’t play
music while you’re filming because you add that in post, but knowing that
Kanaya is in the other room is making you feel very self conscious of that.
Music would … help. Somehow.
Okay, start with the easy stuff. Smuppet on smuppet, no need to make noises
because you can mix that tomorrow, too. You flash around, working the camera
and moving the smuppets. You have one with a frankly ridiculously sized nose
roughly take one of your smaller ones up the plush rump, showing off their size
capabilities, the way the smuppet oozes lube. After drawing that out for almost
twenty minutes, you change the sheets and set up the next scene.
Okay, you’ve done some pretty theatrical stuff over the years, maybe you’ll
play it straight today. Show off how you can use these bad boys on your own, no
flashstepping trickery to make it look like you’re getting gang-banged by a
horde of bulbous felt noses. Just a good old fashioned mastabatory promo for
your products.
You still need to flashstep so you can film yourself, but it’s not as taxing
without doing the smuppets as well. You can enjoy yourself a bit. You choose
your smuppets and an outfit and step in front of the camera.
You’re real glad you can edit out the awkwardness. You get yourself warmed up,
stretching your limbs out. Okay, you’re going to go for the amateur kink, the
shy kid filming himself and not knowing what he’s doing thing. Of course,
you’re still you, your regulars won’t be fooled at all and you’re pretty buff
to be trying to play innocent, but you can make it work.
You pretend to fumble with the camera, re-angling it as if you don’t know what
you’re doing. You give it a shy smile and fake a little stumble on the way to
your bed. You bite your lip and take a breath before you take your shirt off,
too quickly to be sexy, you’re playing at nervous, at inexperienced. You look
around before you throw your shirt off camera and there’s fun here, in
pretending like you don’t know what you’re going to do before you do it. You
flash behind the camera, zoom in a little and throw your bed image a smuppet.
You catch it clumsily. You lick at your lips and then bite at them. You look at
the smuppet doubtfully. You look behind the camera at your imaginary partner.
Because yeah, the character your playing, he hasn’t come up with this himself.
His boyfriend’s working the camera, giving him instructions. You’re playing
submissive with your usual persona.
You blush and look back down at the smuppet again. You learned how to do that
on cue back when you were still human, when you thought it might endear you to
other people. You can’t pull it off usually, your size and the rest of your
personality gets in the way, but you’re playing a role here. You look in the
lens as you drag the thick blue nose down your neck, down your chest. It
bounces when it snags on your hip. You take a shuddery breath and drag it back
up again. You graze your growing erection and admire the way the foam gives way
to your cock through your jeans. You trace random patterns on your chest and
legs, watching the smuppet in your hands. You snap your head up to the point
past the camera, to your imaginary director. You’ll add his voice in later.
Take your pants off, he’ll say.
You take your time with your pants, not feeling the need to play up the
nervous, eager, submissive role you’ve given yourself to the point of
ridiculousness. You flirt with the camera a bit, using flashstep to zoom in and
angle closer as you slowly unbutton and unzip your jeans. You actually are
wearing underwear for once, plain black briefs. You were tempted to wear some
of your lingerie, you get a certain thrill out of seeing black lace over cocks,
but you’re playing innocent. You slide your jeans off gracefully and go to pull
your briefs off too. Not yet, your director will say, just as you expose the
smallest hint of cock. You pull them back up, not quite as far, leaving that v
of muscle leading to your groin exposed. You leave the smuppet for a bit,
teasing your half naked body, pinching your nipples and scratching at your
legs. You catch a second smuppet your flashstepped self throws at you and grip
one in each hand, pulling them over your body. While the first one is soft and
squishy, the new one has a coarse black fabric that feels incredible on your
skin and you close your eyes to enjoy the contrasting textures. You let loose a
low moan of pleasure.
You bite your lip and look past the camera again.
‘Please,’ you say to your imaginary director. You have to say it out loud, it
would be a pain in the ass to sync up later. Kanaya has headphones, you remind
yourself.
Not yet, the director will reply.
You groan and let your movements get messier. You drift to your cock more often
and let the tension build. Finally, you let yourself get fully naked. You don’t
tease, you just rip your underwear off, tearing the fabric, showing off your
strength. You stroke yourself, alternating between the soft and coarser
smuppets until your cock starts to leak precome and you are feeling
legitimately frustrated. You knead at the coarser puppets rump, pulling it back
to reveal the hole. The black fabric of the smuppet contrasts beautifully with
the red internal work. It opens wider at your hands gently work it, and then
the mechanics inside activate and it starts to self-lubricate. You zoom the
camera in to a very close shot to capture the moment when your dick enters the
leaking puppet. You give a proper porn moan at the feeling. You slide it down
until you’re completely inside it and then pull it off, slowly, so slowly,
capturing the slick wetness it leaves behind.
‘Fffuck,’ you groan, and then you enter it again, again. You moan as you hit a
rhythm, throw your head back, arch your hips. You zoom out and show off your
whole body reacting to the smuppet. You flash behind camera to throw yourself
another smuppet, this one pink. You let it hit you in the face and break off a
moan half way through.
Gotta show me how else you can use it, your director will say.
You widen your eyes and lick your lips. Only the tip of your cock is inside the
black smuppet. You sit up on the bed and look around it, as if you don’t know
how to do this.
Use the headboard.
You let your eyes find the leather ankle cuff already affixed to the headboard.
You don’t play cute, there’s no way your viewers actually want to see someone
who doesn’t know what they’re doing, but you pull your ankle up slowly and
pretend to be self conscious about how much of you is exposed.
Now flash stepping is difficult, but you still manage to zoom in nicely on your
ass. Now that it’s zoomed, you can keep your ankle free, just pretend it’s
still bound so you can operate the camera, again, difficult, but not
impossible. If you fuck up and your image winks out, you can edit it so it’s
smooth again. You hook your ankle around one of the bars of your bed frame to
keep it steady as you pump your black smuppet a bit more, finding your balance.
You let it rest on your cock as you reach for the pink smuppet. It’s smaller
than you usually use, but hey, this is supposed to be your first time. You
slide the nose down your extended leg and shiver as it gets closer to your
groin. Delicious. You fucking love smuppets. This never gets old. You let the
nose nudge your asshole, circling closer, closer. You squeeze his nose and get
the lube flowing. You zoom in on the dripping liquid and then ease it in your
hole. Gorgeous. You groan and wriggle a little. You slowly push the smuppet
deeper inside, panting, cursing, fucking yourself so fucking slowly. Nice. You
move both of the smuppets in tandem. It’s harder to do the camera work now, so
you leave it at midrange while you work yourself. You gasp and pump harder,
faster. Fucking, nice, so good.
‘Nggh, fuck, fuck,’ you moan.
You drag it out a bit longer, savouring it, and then make sure to time your
orgasm so that it’s on an out stroke. You spill over the black smuppet as your
pink smuppet dives deep in you. You love your fucking job. You smirk at the
camera, showing off your glow and let the smuppet pop out of your ass. You
breathe heavily for a bit and then shut off the camera. You flash to the
bathroom and take a shower, quick by your standards.
You dress and go back to the lounge to let Kanaya know she can take her
headphones off. She pulls the headphones to her neck and looks up at you.
‘I’m afraid they do not cancel the noise entirely,’ she says.
‘No, they’re more for ambient noise. Work nice on airplanes.’
She looks up at you with her newly green eyes and you have to look away. You do
not like this bond. You’ve literally just come and her gaze makes you want to
throw her down, tear off her clothes, bite her—fuck, that got more detailed
than you wanted.
You flash over to the kitchen and open the fridge, take note of how full it is.
You can feel her eyes still on you. You don’t want to imagine how it must feel
for her, all this stupid vampire tension and she just heard you in all your
dramatised porny glory. It couldn’t have been worse even if she had seen you at
it. The smuppets might have actually turned her off.
Holy shit, are you getting turned on by the memory of your own noises?
You need to message Ellie or something. You need to displace this attraction
right the fuck now.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
TT: How far away are you?
TT: Tavros and I just ran into Gamzee.
TT: I do not think this is happenstance.
TT: Tavros is pretending ignorance of Gamzee’s affections.
TT: Is there a single straight kid in your group?
TT: No.
TT: We are a glorious rainbow.
TT: It is somewhat of a bonding factor.
TT: Do you need me to come home? Is Kanaya okay?
TT: She’s fine. Everything’s fine.
TT: I was just seeing how much time I have.
TT: Was gonna train Kanaya a bit, thought I’d make sure the fragile humans
weren’t around.
TT: I see.
TT: I’ll message you on my way home, then. I expect I’ll be at least another
hour.
TT: Righteous.
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
TT: Yo, how far away are you?
TG: need me to come home?
TT: Need is such a strong word.
TG: things getting weird with kanaya again?
TT: Weird is such a strong … yeah, that’s pretty accurate.
TG: ill bring karkat he makes everything better
TT: Thanks, kid.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
You sit as far away on the couch as possible from her and bring up a video game
to distract yourself. She watches you play, doesn’t like to play herself. By
the time Dave and Karkat walk in the door, not ten minutes later, you are
sitting right next to one another again.
‘Fuck,’ you say, and you move away again.
‘Fuck,’ Kanaya agrees.
‘We got this, Bro,’ Dave says. ‘You go chill in your room or something.’
You don’t need to be told twice.
You decide to check on the comment section of your porn site, something that
never fails to distract you. At first it was dominated by your own bots,
getting into fights with each other and saying inane shit, 12 separate
personalities just bouncing off one another. But, over the years, perhaps
encouraged by your artificial trolls, real people have more than taken up the
helm. You don’t believe in deleting comments. You have actively tried to have
the most disturbing chat room around, there’s no point censoring anything. You
don’t respond to most of them, but you read them all and have almost developed
friendships with some of your regulars. You kinda love your weirdo following.
A new guy has taken over the comments in the last week. You’re not entirely
sure if he hates you or wants to fuck you. You think it’s probably both. He
seems to have an even more perverse reaction to the more innocent videos than
the hardcore stuff. Like the one you kinda posted as a joke with you just
staring into the smuppet’s eyes, occasionally stroking it lovingly. He bought
the full version, not just content with watching the preview on your site.
You decide to enter the fray.
Admin: You know you can buy an exact replica of this smuppet on my store.
Admin: In fact, I’d let the original used in this video go, if you wanted.
undyingumbrage: I WOuLD NEVER DO THESE DISGuSTING THINGS.
Admin: I was just offering to sell you a smuppet, you don’t have to fuck it.
undyingumbrage: OH. I WOuLD FuCK THE LITTLE ELF CREATuRE. I WOuLD JuST NEVER BE
SO AFFECTIONATE TO THE THING.
Admin: No judgement here. I happen to think the smuppets make exceptional
cuddle buddies.
undyingumbrage: YOu DEPRAVED FuCK. ARE YOu SAYING. THAT YOu CuDDLE THESE AWFuL
CREATuRES. NOT JuST THIS STROKING.
Admin: Sometimes.
undyingumbrage: I DO NOT BELIEVE YOu.
Admin: Well, I do offer commission videos. Want me to prove it?
undyingumbrage: YOu ARE NOT JuST THE HuMAN ADMIN. YOu ARE ALSO THE STAR.
Admin: Yes. Exceptional way of phrasing that, by the way.
undyingumbrage: HOW DO I GET THE CuDDLE VIDEO.
undyingumbrage: ARE YOu NOT APPALLED BY HOW AROuSED I AM BY THE VERY IDEA OF
THIS?
undyingumbrage: uSING THESE FELT FRIENDS AS SuRROGATES FOR ROMANTIC FEELING. IS
SO VERY. *DIRRRRTY*.
Admin: I mean, I do porn for a living. Maybe my standards are a little lower
than most.
undyingumbrage: YES. YESSSS. AND YOu CANNOT CONNECT TO HuMANS THE WAY YOu
CONNECT. TO THESE PuPPETS. BOTH WITH YOuR PATHETIC COCK. AND WITH YOuR.
FEELINGS.
Admin: Ouch. Being accused of being emotional stunted and of having a subpar
penis.
Admin: Is this part of it? Should I be charging you money? You want to feel
like you’re coercing me into making perhaps the easiest porno of my career?
undyingumbrage: AHAHA. SEE HOW YOu SQUIRM. AVOIDING THE MOMENT. WHERE I WILL
SEE YOu SLEEPING.
undyingumbrage: IN VuLNERABILITY. WITH THESE FROG MEN. ALL AROuND YOu.
Admin: You want a lot of smuppets? I thought I was getting my monogamous cuddle
on.
undyingumbrage: YOu WOuLD LIKE THAT. TO ONLY HAVE THE ONE. YOu COuLD SLEEP
NORMALLY WITH JuST THE ONE. NO IGNORING IT IF THERE ARE HuNDREDS!
undyingumbrage: WILL YOu EVEN BE ABLE TO SLEEP? KNOWING THAT I WILL BE
WATCHING. KNOWING THAT I AM GETTING OFF ON IT.
Admin: To be honest, probably not. But I’ll make it look like I am.
undyingumbrage: FuuuuCK. AND ALL THE WHILE. IT IS LIKE I AM THERE. DISTuRBING
YOuR REST.
Admin: You want my rest disturbed? You maybe want one of the smuppets to wake
me up?
undyingumbrage: I DO NOT uNDERSTAND. HOW THE NOSE GuY. EVEN MOVES ON HIS OWN.
HOW WOuLD HE WAKE YOu uP.
Admin: Well, you see, they’re puppets. Even though you insist on calling them
something different every time. Puppets are operated by people, that’s how they
work.
undyingumbrage: I DON’T uNDERSTAND AND I DON’T WANT TO.
Admin: Fair enough. Let’s say it’s magic, then.
undyingumbrage: THE LEPRECHAUN WILL …
undyingumbrage: COME uPON YOu AS YOu SLEEP?
Admin: If you like. You’re the one running the show.
Admin: Would you expect me to enjoy this awakening?
undyingumbrage: YOu PROBABLY WOuLD. YOu SICK FuCK.
Admin: Probably.
Admin: Of course, I could always find another star. One who might be less …
open to such experiences.
undyingumbrage: NO.
undyingumbrage: WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT. IF IT IS NOT YOu WHO SuFFERS.
Admin: What is even the point, indeed.
undyingumbrage: THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED.
Admin: Game?
undyingumbrage: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GAME.
Admin: Okay.
Admin: I’ll send you an invoice. If you pay it, you get your video. This might
be the easiest porn you have ever filmed, at least the first half. You love it
when your own kinks overlap with your commissions.
***** Chapter 17 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Three weeks after you changed Kanaya and hypnotised her parents into thinking
it isn’t a big deal that their daughter has suddenly gone missing, you decide
to give her a trial run outside.
You give her Audrey Hepburn shades and spend five minutes binding her to you
with a series of instructions about how she’s not allowed to hurt anyone, she
has to stay close to you, she has to check in with you every five minutes. Dave
and Rose listen on the couch. You somehow managed to keep it a family only
event. Your trial run is to go to a diner, order food and sit there calmly
while Dave and Rose eat and then walk home. If she can focus on conversation,
keep to human speed and doesn’t react poorly to anything, you’ll have another
go in a couple of nights, somewhere else, without all the mental guards. You’ll
go hang out with Karkat and Gamzee. You’ll do unexpected things, make sure
Kanaya doesn’t freak out. When you’re satisfied she won’t eat them, you’ll take
her to see her parents.
Rose walks hand in hand with Kanaya ahead of you and Dave. You listen to Dave
ramble as you watch Kanaya like a hawk.
‘So, I guess your OCD has come in useful for once,’ Dave says.
‘I don’t have OCD,’ you say automatically.
‘Fine, your obsessive planning thing,’ he says.
You shrug.
‘How many plans have you written out for tonight?’
‘Well, they’re all one plan. There’s just a lot of things that could happen.’
‘Do I even want to see it?’
‘No. And shut up.’
‘Woah, Bro, you schooled me with that amazing argument. It’s like, who is this
wordsmith? You just know that dude uses his words for a  living , like that is
a persuasive son of a bitch. All these people lining up to hear his phat
rhymes, tripping over one another, jostling. One kid cuts in the queue, eager
to hear the lyrical genius and there’s a fuckin’ riot on our hands, what are we
gonna do, when will Bro Strider put these ding dongs out of their misery?’
‘For the fuckin’ record, I could beat your ass into the ground any day and you
know it. And my planning has been useful several times.’
‘You wanna go?’ Dave asks, perfect bro voice, he’s just so good at this.
‘You wanna go?’ you say back.
You stop walking so you can chest bump each other and then keep going as if
nothing happened.
‘But seriously, how much are you freaking out right now?’
‘I’m not freaking out!’ you protest. ‘My plan is solid, it’ll work,
everything’s fine.’
‘She seems to be doing alright so far.’
‘Yeah, better than I did,’ you admit.
The girls pause at the door of the diner to let a guy out. A giant guy. A
familiar guy.
‘Cal!’ you say.
‘Dirk Strider,’ he says.
You don’t bother to correct him.
‘Kids, this is Caliborn. Caliborn, these are my kids.’ You don’t give him
names. ‘Kids, Cal is going to be the one who murders me.’
Cal grins at that.
‘Where is your plush child? Human children are boring.’
You drop Lil Cal out of your sylladex and have him wave his hand.
‘Uh …’ Dave says.
You flashstep Lil Cal onto Dave’s shoulder.
‘What’s up, lil bro?’ you ask Dave.
‘You just introduce us to your murderer?’
‘Yes. It will be a magnificent game,’ Cal says, grinning at Dave. His grin is
so creepy, you love it.
Wait.
Game.
He calls Lil Cal something weird every time, never just puppet.
Those fragmented sentences.
‘You’re undying umbrage!’
Caliborn’s face flickers a bit, but then he smirks.
‘You have figured out my puzzle,’ he says. ‘This earns you, maybe … five
points. But I already have 100 points and you will never catch up.’
‘You’re a bona fide stalker,’ you say, delighted. ‘Wait, are you here for me?’
Cal grins at you again. You want to lick his face.
‘I thought you didn’t know any other vampires,’ Kanaya says.
You all snap to stare at her.
You drag your gaze back to Cal. You step closer to him and inhale deeply. No,
he doesn’t smell like food. He smells delicious, but in an entirely not-food
kind of way. You’d forgotten the difference. You still kinda want to bite him,
but yeah, not to feed. Just because you’re turned on by biting.
‘She’s stealing your points, Dirk Strider,’ Cal says.
‘Kanaya, go for a walk around the block with Rose,’ you say.
They leave.
‘Dave, how bout you hang outside for a bit.’
He nods and shifts to lean against the window. He flicks out his iPhone from
his pocket and looks for all the world a disinterested teenager.
‘Comin’ inside?’ you ask Cal.
‘Are you asking me on a date, Dirk Strider?’
‘Sure,’ you say.
He grins and the two of you walk inside the diner and take a booth.
‘So, are you going to kill me tonight?’ you ask him.
‘No. You will not see it coming.’
A waitress comes around and you tell her to leave you be. You take off your
shades, you don’t need them with another vampire. And yeah, his eyes are red,
you should have realised he wasn’t human. Not red like Dave’s, but a kind of
deep, molten red. You could be excused from thinking it was a dark brown in a
dark club.
‘You gonna involve my kids in this?’
‘No. Not yet. Maybe … After you are dead, I could move on to them. I don’t
know. I don’t really care about killing them.’
You frown at him slightly.
‘Why do you care about killing me?’
He just grins.
Okay, too obvious a question.
‘You know how you’re going to do it?’ you ask, leaning close to him. ‘You gonna
get off on it?’
‘Dead people are boring. I like the bit where they die, but they’re nothing
when they are dead.’
‘Is it because I’m a vamp?’ you ask.
He grins again, but in a way that makes you think you’re right. Is he doing a
Blade thing, hunting other vampires using vampire powers? But how does he
justify his own life? And really, are vampires so bad?
‘You know,’ you say, changing tactics, ‘I haven’t been with another vamp since
my master died. Be nice to be able to go all out again.’
‘I’d break you,’ he says, and  why  does that turn you on?
You aren’t wearing your shades so there’s no way he doesn’t miss the way your
eyes dart to his mouth.
‘How did you find me?’
‘You’re not playing by the rules, Dirk Strider,’ he says, waving his hand
dismissively.
‘You haven’t told me the rules,’ you say.
‘Okay. The rules. I kill you, you die, obviously. But first, you have to figure
out who I am. I don’t just tell you the answers, that’s a shitty game.’
‘Right. Can me seducing you be part of the game?’
Caliborn gives this some thought. You toe off your shoe and trace his calf
under the table as he stares into the distance.
‘But I want to kill you,’ he says.
‘Sure. But we’ve got time, right?’
‘I am immortal,’ Caliborn nods.
‘So you could put off killing me for a bit, right?’
He stares into the distance again. You’re not getting the greatest impression
of his intelligence. This really isn’t that hard of a concept. You’re not
entirely sure he’s aware that your toes are tracing the seam of his jeans, he
looks like he’s thinking too hard. You suppress the urge to roll your eyes and
look out the window to where Dave is lounging instead. He must feel your gaze
and turns his head to you and nods up slightly.  Sup ? You wink at him, over-
exaggerating the gesture. He shudders and looks back to his phone.
You look back to Caliborn. He’s still thinking. You kick your other shoe off
and stroke his foot as your right foot edges closer to his crotch. He doesn’t
zone back in until your toes nudge his cock gently. He’s half hard, so clearly
his dick’s paying attention to you even if his mind isn’t.
‘I will not kill you tonight,’ Caliborn says.
‘Or tomorrow,’ you insist.
He scowls.
‘Or tomorrow,’ he agrees reluctantly.
‘Let me get rid of my kids,’ you say. ‘Your place or mine?’
‘If we go to your place, will you want to use your plush men?’
‘Yes,’ you say. You wouldn’t feel even a little bit guilty pressuring a
dickhead like Caliborn into getting kinky with you. Hard to have boundaries
when you’re insisting you’re going to murder your partner after. He can clearly
take care of himself. And he’s giving himself an out. No smuppets at his place.
‘We go to yours,’ he says.
Woah.
You’re going to stuff him full with smuppet dong.
You nod, hoping your face is still cool and barely remember to step back into
your shoes before you leave the booth, going out to Dave.
He gives you another nod when you step outside and lean against the wall next
to him.
‘Nice loitering,’ you say.
‘Nothin’ rhymes with loitering,’ he complains. ‘And it’s such a good word.’
‘Exploit … ering,’ you say.
‘Yeah, that’s pretty good,’ he says. ‘Here’s me sticking to real words like a
chump.’
‘Any chance you can go to Egbert’s tonight?’
‘With Rose and Kanaya?’
You nod. No point keeping names secret anymore. If Cal doesn’t know your kids
names, he’s a shit stalker and not worth your time. You think he’s probably
very worth your time.
‘Her influence is still pretty shit,’ he says.
‘Yours isn’t.’
He chews on his lip.
‘You gonna get killed?’
‘I’m gonna get  laid ,’ you say.
He punches in the chest you so fast you don’t even see it coming. It startles a
genuine laugh out of you.
‘Don’t fuck your weirdo stalker, Bro!’ he whines. ‘Don’t tell me about it!
Don’t make me come home to your dead body covered in fuck knows what!’
‘Dave, he’s into  smuppets ,’ you tell him.
He throws up his hands, somehow smoothly captchaloguing his phone at the same
time.
‘Dude! That’s it, I’m traumatised, Dave is ruined now.’
You shrug.
‘You were a cool kid while it lasted.’
He punches you again, but you see it coming this time and roll with it so he
doesn’t give you a bruise on your shoulder. It takes a lot for you to bruise,
but Dave hits fucking hard.
You’re quiet for a minute while he composes himself.
‘Seriously, I get a bad feeling from him,’ he says. ‘How do I know you’re going
to be alright?’
‘I’m always alright,’ you say.
‘Yeah, I thought so too, until I saw the fucking sun kick your ass a couple
weeks ago. So you got weaknesses and that guy knows them and you’re just going
to, what? Take him back to  our house ? What happened to my paranoid Bro
freaking out because  John  knows where we live?’
‘People aren’t that bad,’ you say.
‘I’m going to kill Rose,’ Dave says. ‘Getting you all used to society. I’m
gonna make her go home first, she can be the one to find your body.’
‘He’s promised not to kill me tonight.’
‘Seems like the kind of dickhead who would wait until just after midnight and
kill you on a technicality.’
‘Made him promise not to kill me tomorrow, too.’
‘I should stand guard.’
He’s absolutely serious. He would do that for you. You look at him, at the
stubborn set of his jaw, at the way nearly all the baby fat has gone from his
face now. He’s still a kid but he’s so responsible. It’s like he’s
overcompensated for your lack of rules, made his own up.
‘Kid, you want to be listening to us all night trying to tell the difference
between happy noises and unhappy noises?’
‘I don’t want you dying over something so stupid,’ he says.
You clap him on the shoulder, bring him in a bit closer.
‘I strife every day, I have pushed myself to the limits of flashstepping and
I’m smart. I’m paranoid and I cheat. You don’t got to worry about me. You do
got to worry about your sisters.’
‘Kanaya can handle Egberts,’ he says.
‘Yeah. If she can, we go see her parents whenever she wants. She is not to use
her powers, you got that?’
Dave looks confused.
‘You do it. You keep Daddy Egbert happy, you bind her to you, you do what you
gotta do, but she  stays human . I know you can do this, kid.’
‘She’s stronger than me.’
‘You’re better. You’re my second, always, Davey.’
He glances towards the diner, starts to open his mouth and then stops. He nods.
You scruff his hair a little and give him a fistbump before you go back into
the diner. You slide back into your booth. You won’t head home until the kids
have cleared out.
‘Will your Dave try to avenge your death,’ Caliborn asks.
You shrug.
‘You Striders don’t seem the type to bother with that,’ he says with a slight
smirk. You don’t let yourself react, it’s too obvious. You’re starting to piece
something together, but you’re quite happy with the role you’re playing now.
‘I don’t want to talk about my kid now,’ you say. ‘I want you to tell me if
you’ve used one of my toys before.’
‘No,’ he says.
You let your smirk get a smidge to big. A bit evil. Let him see that you will
not be pandering to his smuppet virginity. Let him see how far you want to go
with it.
You hear the sound flashstepping makes and lazily look towards the door where
Dave was standing. No point trying to be subtle, Cal could track your movements
anyway. Kids are gone. Time to go back to your place.
Chapter End Notes
     This is taking a bit longer to write because I'm writing backstory as
     well. Might need some opinions on whether Dirk's turning and Jake
     romance stuff belongs as part one of the series or as a prequel you
     read after the main one.
***** Chapter 18 *****
Chapter Notes
     So, I think we all know that this isn't going to be gentle. I have
     skipped over the actually violent parts, but there's still
     descriptions of some intense injuries. Our boy's a vampire though, he
     can take it.
     If you skip this chapter, I don't see what you'll miss in terms of
     story, except for the fact that Dirk and Cal are totally in spades.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
You lead Caliborn to an alley close to the diner. You’re expecting to use the
darkness so you can both transform and fly to your place, but he crowds you to
the wall. He hasn’t touched you yet but you can feel the heat from his body.
The heat that means he’s fed recently. You let yourself be pressed to the wall,
lean your face away so he can trace your neck with his nose. His breath touches
you with more substance than his skin, he’s ghosting his hands near you and
you’re so turned on by the promise of touching. You thought you were going to
be getting full, rough, unrestrained hatesex, this is so much more intense
somehow. He’ll probably turn the tables any second, sink his teeth into your
neck, shove his thigh between your legs, pull your hair. But no, instead, he
presses a light kiss to your pulse point beneath your ear. He kisses, with just
a hint more pressure, along your jaw. He brings a hand up to cradle your cheek
as he leans in to kiss you sweetly on the mouth.
‘Look at you,’ he says. ‘You are  filthy , the way you want me.’
You are Dirk motherfucking Strider and you will not lose the ability to talk
from just a couple of kisses. You got steamier than this when you were nine
fucking years old.
‘I thought we were going back to my place,’ you say, and thank fuck your voice
sounds normal. Now if you could just convince your dick to calm down …
‘Is this not your house,’ Caliborn says with a wicked smirk.
Ha ha, your house is a filthy alleyway full of garbage.
You stroke your hand along his hairline, feeling the short bristles tingle
under your fingertips. You’re just gonna pretend like he didn’t say anything at
all. You’re suddenly remembering how it was the innocent stuff that revved
Cal’s motors on your site. You can be affectionate.
‘You are  gorgeous ,’ you tell him. You look deep in his eyes for a moment
before you kiss him as nice and chaste as you can.
He shudders slightly and presses into you, trying to intensify the kiss,
licking tentatively with his tongue, but you keep it classy. Fuck it, you’ll
have loving missionary style sex with your stalker-murderer if that’s his
kinkiest fantasy. Least you can do if he’s going to be getting on board with
yours.
‘Take me home,’ he says breathlessly when you stop kissing him to nuzzle in at
his neck. You give him a smirk so he knows you’ve won that point and then close
your eyes, fold your body smaller. He’s done the same, is ready to follow you.
The two of you fly back to your apartment and you had forgotten what it was
like to have company like this. You’re coming over all nostalgic.
You land on the fire escape and invite him in. You even remember the
conditional welcome that Luke gave to other vampires.
‘You are welcome in my home so long as you intend no harm to me or mine,’ you
say, looking into his eyes.
He sighs and stays on the fire escape. Okay, you can give him some wriggle
room.
‘You are welcome into my home so long as you do not intend any life threatening
harm to me or mine in the next 48 hours.’
He rolls his eyes but follows you inside. You lead the way to your bedroom and
sit on the bed, wait for him to get his bearings. He examines your many hats
and smuppets, your sewing machine next to your robotics equipment, your only-
slightly ironic posters. Their primary purpose was to mock your kids for
putting posters in their rooms, followed by wanting to make Dave uncomfortable,
followed by you actually really like looking at everything in your posters.
Especially Rainbow Dash. You lean back on your elbows to watch Caliborn stare
intently at the collection of posters that started off as pretty innocent
pictures of puppets you got off Google that you have photoshopped pornographic.
Pretty smooth going, you think. Sometimes you’ve just pixelated them
suggestively, some of them you’ve gone all out. You’re not quite sure which is
funnier. You spent a good hour debating the merits of each with Rose, sitting
against the door so Dave couldn’t abscond.
Finally, Caliborn looks at the real work of art in the room. That is to say,
you. Sure, you literally feature in less than half of your pornos, but despite
the niche following that wants plush rumps only, you’re still the star. You
haven’t quite gotten over Cal calling you that online.
He takes you in slowly, the way one leg hangs idly off the bed, the other one
bent at the knee, (designed to draw the attention to your cock, you’re no
amateur), the way resting on your elbows shows off your sweet arm and ab
muscles, the way your hair’s gone just a bit floppy, just a shade off
perfection that makes you more approachable. Well, you assume. It would just be
perfect but some asshole shoved you against an alley wall before and hasn’t
made any move to come join you on the bed yet.
You get rid of your shoes and socks with quick, sure movements and raise an
eyebrow at him. He smirks at you again, showing off his gold tooth, and slowly
strips his shirt off. Not bad, you can work with that. You show him what a
striptease looks like, inching your shirt up slowly, bit by bit until you have
to take it off. You throw it in his face for good measure. He catches and drops
it to the floor, takes the step he needs to get close to you. He’s taller than
you but he still seems to be getting a kick out of towering over you, still
standing while you’re on the bed. He bends down to kiss you, his fingers
stroking down through your hair to your neck. He digs his nails into the back
of your neck, deepens the kiss when you gasp a little with pain.
He’s not holding back.
You don’t have to either.
You grab him round the waist and twist to tackle him onto the bed, straddle his
hips and grab his hands above his head. You kiss away the smirk he gives you,
press your body close to his as your tongues battle. He pulls his hands from
your grip and you let him, you want your hands free too. You stroke down his
arms, feeling the hard muscles. He’s so big, and you know that doesn’t always
mean strength but here it does. You think he probably  could  kill you if he
wasn’t the kind of idiot who likes to play with his food.
You need to stop being so turned on by the thought of getting the shit kicked
out of you.
He drags his nails down your back, and it’s so different to being with a human
who can’t do shit to you, it  hurts  in the best possible way, the way that has
you pressing into him harder as if that will bring you relief. You know he’s
drawn blood in his first fucking move and you should care about that, but
instead you just bite into his neck, not like you want to feed, just to hurt
him back and he groans and pushes against you. You sit up so you can scratch
down his chest but he flips you so he’s on top. A few movements and he’s torn
your jeans off. He pulls his own off, which, okay, fair enough, you have more
clothes here and he doesn’t, and then he’s on you again, pinning you down.
You’d be pissed off that he has a bigger cock than you,  even though you’re the
fucking porn star here , but wow, okay, you want that inside you.
He grinds down, rubs your dicks together and you guess he gets off on pain too
because he is not being gentle here.
‘Lube?’ he asks.
Practically everywhere. If there’s a draw in this room that doesn’t have lube
in it, you’d be surprised. But he’s on your turf and he’s made an implicit
promise.
‘That orange guy next to you is self lubricating,’ you say, putting challenge
in your eyes.
‘Which end?’ he asks.
Holy shit, he’s going to go along with it. If you get any harder you think your
dick will just clean fall off.
‘Both,’ you say.
He holds your gaze while he jacks the smuppet nose, coaxes the lube out. It
drips onto his fingers and he looks down, impressed. You’d play coy, but you’re
so ready, so turned on seeing someone else using your toys. You spread your
legs for him.
‘We could drag this out longer …’ he says.
‘Or we could get the first fuck done with so we can do it, like, three more
times before sun up,’ you say.
He’s convinced. He doesn’t tease you, he just slips two fingers inside you like
he’s doing you a service going even as slowly as he is. It’s not slow. You tip
your head back involuntarily and moan.
Shit, it’s been months since you were with a guy, and even longer since you
bottomed. You give off a pretty dominant vibe or something. He pumps his
fingers and you feel the plush nose of the smuppet against your balls as he
coaxes more lube onto his hand.
‘Nggh, fuck, Caliborn,’ you say.
He adds another finger, pushes into you punishingly.
‘Talk to me,’ he commands.
‘’S’good,’ you manage.
‘More,’ he says, twisting his fingers.
‘Fuck, it’s … just, so good.’ You pant as he moves inside you. He isn’t even
doing anything special, it’s just him, it’s your desperation. ‘Want your cock,
Cal, please,’ you say.
‘You gonna be better than him?’ Cal asks.
You raise your head and let it fall back immediately. Cal’s balls deep in the
orange smuppet.
‘Jesus, Caliborn, if I get any more turned on I’m gonna die,’ you moan.
Cal shifts so he’s almost lined up with you. You feel the smuppet next to you,
in between your legs, brushing against your ass, your cock. Cal thrusts into it
and you feel that, too, the gentle friction, the pressure, the soft fabric.
‘ Fuck ,’ you moan.
‘Mmm,’ he agrees.
He pulls his fingers out and throws the smuppet away and then he’s inside you,
no easing into it or waiting for you to catch your breath. He’s going to  ruin
you, fuck.
You groan and arch your back into the sensation. He scratches down your chest
and the pain grounds you a little, helps you focus. You wrap your legs around
his hips and he pumps smoothly into you.
‘God, Cal, you’re …’ you gasp. So many ways to finish that sentence, you just
let it hang there until he changes the angle, presses all close up to you,
kisses you sweetly as he  pounds  into you. He likes that, the contrast, the
rough and the soft. You grip him round the neck, not enough to cut off his air
completely, just enough to give that nice dizzy feeling.
‘You’re fucking beautiful,’ you tell him.
He gasps and thrusts faster. He’s pushing the limits of human speed, but he’s
not human. Fuck he’s hot, he’s strong and fast and if he hits you  there ,
fuck , just a couple more times you’re going to come and you don’t think you
can bring yourself to care enough to resist it.
You wish you could pull his hair, but you can’t, too short, so you scratch and
squeeze at his neck, at his scalp and shoulders until, nggh, no, don’t stop!
You feel him come and buck involuntarily, frustrated that he’s not moving
anymore, but then he reaches down and  fuck , squeezes your cock just right,
buried in you so deep, fuck,  coming .
You don’t realise until you relax just how hard you were gripping him. He picks
you up, still inside you and walks you to the bathroom. Yes, good call, you
make it easier, keeping your legs and arms around him like you’re a koala bear.
He doesn’t pull out until you’re in the shower, and yeah, you need it. You
catch sight of yourself in the mirror and can’t believe he managed to beat you
up worse than you got him. You’re bleeding from so many scratches, there are
bite shaped bruises, finger shaped bruises, even a fist shaped bruise on your
thigh. You haven’t bruised in decades, not even when Dave gets in a hit
sparring.
You wash each other off and trade lazy kisses. You probably wouldn’t have fit
the two of you in the shower in the old apartment, but it’s nice in this one.
Just small enough that you have to keep cosy.
‘How are my survival chances looking?’ you ask as you massage soap into his
chest.
‘Better,’ he admits. ‘I’m still going to kill you, I’m not going to lose the
game,’ he says.
‘I wouldn’t want that,’ you say wryly.
‘But … I will admit that I see your point. There’s no rush. I could wait a
week. Maybe a month.’
‘Mmm … Lot we could do in a month,’ you say. And by the time it’s over he’ll
want you for the next decade. You have to stand on your toes to kiss him if he
doesn’t bend down and you kind of love that. You make a very strong mental note
not to let Dave catch you embracing your inner twink.
He holds you tight as you kiss.
‘You want to go nice and sweet next time?’ you ask.
‘You kinky fuck,’ he says. He sounds impressed.
‘Or I could tie you up and torture you a bit.’
‘I’d rather tie you up,’ he says. ‘You have a guarantee of safety here, I
don’t.’
You smirk.
‘Okay, let me show you my gear.’
 
The dickhead keeps you tied up for the next three times and then leaves you,
with a  very  thin blanket barely covering the goods, just before sunrise.
You’re bloody and beaten and exhausted like you didn’t know you could be, but
mostly you’re pissed off because he  technically  hasn’t broken any rules but
now you’re either going to have to break your thumb or wait for Dave to come
home and let you out.
You bunch the blanket up a bit with your free foot so you can’t see the fucking
outline of your cock through it and swear loudly and colourfully as you weigh
up your options. You’re pretty sure you already have a broken toe and one of
your ribs feels very tender, so adding the thumb to the count isn’t actually a
big deal, but you’ve never been one for inflicting pain on yourself. You look
at the clock. Just after 7:30. You lost a little time there in a rage-sulk, but
you know your kid, he won’t be awake until at least 10 and then there’s the
whole saying goodbye thing. Shit, Kanaya, will they maybe hang out at Egbert’s
until sunset?
You’re contemplating that when you hear the key in the lock.
Clock reads 7:37. So it hasn’t stopped. Dave’s just home early, checking in on
you.
‘But I don’t understand!’ you hear someone whisper poorly. John. John can’t
whisper for shit. You also don’t understand.
‘Clearly,’ Dave says dryly. He doesn’t bother with whispering. ‘Look, just
stand there and look pretty for a minute.’
You hear an angry huff.
‘Obviously not as pretty or as fierce as you, babe,’ Dave says hurriedly.
There’s a mess of sounds you can’t interpret. You contemplate breaking your
thumb and sneaking up to the crawl space. You’re not sure you can do all that
quick enough to avoid Dave seeing your bare ass scrambling into the roof.
You’re really not sure you can do it quietly. You’re upgrading your possibly
broken toe to a probably broken toe.
‘Bro?’ Dave calls.
‘Hey,’ you say back. That’s casual enough.
‘You got company?’ he asks.
‘Nope, he fucked off before I could even make him breakfast,’ you say.
‘Alright, you want to come out then?’ he asks.
You do not. Can not. Whichever.
‘Bro, what’s going on?’ he calls. You forgot to answer out loud.
‘I’m just a little tied up right now,’ you say, as if you’re metaphorically
tied up, maybe with important business calls. ‘I’ll be out presently.’
‘You want me to be getting my investigate on, brother?’ Dave brought Gamzee
too. This is getting ridiculous.
‘DS, just send GZ, he won’t even remember,’ you hear someone else say. How many
fucking kids are in your house?
‘Can you get yourself free?’ Dave asks.
‘... Yes,’ you say.
‘You are paying for my therapy,’ Dave says, and then the door opens.
You waggle your fingers at him.
‘Hey, kid.’
‘Holy shit, Bro, what did he do to you?’
‘You don’t need a key or anything, just undo the buckle. You get one of my
hands free, I’ll do the rest, okay?’
He nods dumbly and frees your right hand. You shake out the pins and needles
and undo your neck and left hand. As you reach to get your left foot you let
out a hiss of pain. Okay, possibly broke that rib, too.
Dave undoes your ankle with minimal squeamishness.
‘Thanks,’ you say. You let yourself flop backwards.
‘You need a doctor,’ he says.
You raise an eyebrow at him and bare your teeth. Your fangs won’t go back in,
you’re in pain and they’re ready to respond to the threat your body is sure is
still around.
‘Bro, you look like you fucked a woodchipper,’ he says.
‘I’m fine,’ you say. ‘Honestly, once I have a shower it won’t look anywhere
near so bad.’
‘So have a shower,’ he says.
You groan. You don’t want to move.
‘Bro, I’ve seen you do pull ups for literal hours. I’ve seen you lift a fucking
car. I’ve seen you flash-step so fast it looked like there were four of you. I
haven’t seen you wiped out except for the thing with Kanaya.’
He’s keeping his voice low but you look to the door anyway.
‘Fine,’ you say, resigned. You heave yourself stand-ways and fuck, yep, toe is
upgraded from probably broken to certainly broken. You sit back down and pull
it onto your knee so you can see it. Okay, set the bone back into a normal
position. You hope this works on yourself, otherwise you’re gonna look really
stupid. You bend down, groan at the pain from your rib and bite it, then lick
it better. You put it down and try some weight. Okay, better, but still fucking
sore. You’ll just limp, that’s fine. Ugh, you really can’t bite your chest to
fix your rib.
Dave’s looking at you with his mouth slightly open. He fixes his expression,
shrugs and walks out.
You stand up again, fold the blanket in half and wrap it round your hips. You
walk carefully to the bathroom, grateful that Dave has apparently kept his
party in the lounge. You stand in the shower for a long time, licking at the
scratches you can reach to encourage them to heal. When you get out and look in
the mirror, you look like shit. You have a black eye and scratches running from
your cheek to your neck. You have fingerprint bruises round where he throttled
you, hickeys fucking everywhere, scratches and bruises down your chest. The
ugliest one is where you assume you’ve broken, fractured, whatever your rib.
You turn and your back looks just as bad. Your ass hurts too, but that pales in
comparison to your toe and rib. You wrap a towel round your hips and go back to
your room for clothes. You put loose stuff on and head to the lounge.
Eight kids. All dudes except for one, what a sexist.
‘This your army, bro?’ you ask as you head as casually as you can to the
fridge. Between your toe and your ass, you have a pretty pimping walk.
‘What, a guy can’t gather whatever friends have the best strife specibus for a
casual breakfast meeting?’
The other kids are looking at you with looks of horror, with the exception of
Gamzee, who you don’t think gets horrified and Terezi, who is blind.
‘Who wants pancakes?’ you say.
‘Where are your anime glasses?’ John asks.
‘Good fucking question, John, isn’t that a good fucking question?’ Dave says.
‘Pssh,’ you say. ‘It’s dark in here, who wears shades indoors?’
‘You do, asshole,’ Karkat says. He has recovered from his horror, good kid. He
starts to rifle through the freezer behind you and you ignore him. Apparently
you’ve been so welcoming that he feels this is a thing he’s allowed to do.
‘I was thinking I should put my shades on my shirt,’ you say. ‘Like how Rose
did with my hat jumper.’ You’re gonna get Cal back for breaking them, for using
them to cut into your chest. You’re going to get him back real good for a few
things.
Karkat shoves a tea towel full of ice into your hands.
‘Thanks?’ you say.
‘For your eye, dick-munch,’ he says.
You … have no idea if that will work. You hold the ice to your eye anyway.
Okay, that feels amazing.
‘So, pancakes?’ you try again. You basically don’t know what else to do with
Dave’s friends apart from feed them.
‘Sit down, Bro, I’ll make the fucking pancakes,’ Dave says.
You pimp-walk over to the couch and sit next to Gamzee.
‘Woah,’ he says. ‘Your face is looking like woah.’
You go to smirk at him and remember your fangs. You let your mouth twitch up
and keep it closed. You probably shouldn’t risk talking too much this close to
the kids. You tongue the points of your fangs again but they still won’t
retract.
‘Are you going to press charges?’ Terezi asks eagerly.
‘If he w-were,’ hipster kid interupts, ‘he w-would use a real fuckin’ law-wyer,
not a creepy blind girl. You w-want my family’s law-wyer, Mr Strider, I got a
card an’ ev-verythin’.’
‘Nah, we’re cool,’ you say, opening your mouth as little as possible. Mr
Strider, that’s hilarious. ‘Just a perfectly pleasant evening between two
consenting adults.’
‘But he didn’t stay for breakfast!’ John objects.
‘And he left you in a pretty fucking vulnerable way,’ Karkat says.
‘Yeah, what if Dave hadn’t come home ‘til tonight? Or tomorrow?’ glasses kid
says.
‘Look, kids, I’m fine. Yeah, I wish Dave hadn’t had to let me out, but if he
had’ve left me a bit longer I’d have gotten out myself, and I’ll be letting my
partner know that was over the line next time I see him.’
‘Dave said those cuffs were strong,’ John says doubtfully.
‘I should hope so, I fuckin’ made them,’ you say.
‘So how were you going to get out?’
‘He would have broken his thumb,’ Dave says blandly from the kitchen. ‘And he
would have rathered do that than ask for help because he’s an idiot.’
‘I could have broken the bed,’ you mutter. The more you think about it, the
less sure you are that breaking your thumb would have even worked. Handcuffs,
sure. Leather cuffs fit a bit too snugly.
Dave slips his shades down so you can see him roll his eyes. It works a little
too well with him balancing a bowl of pancake batter on his hip. You’re
reminded forcefully of Roxy, except Roxy couldn’t cook for shit, would have
been faking it.
‘I’m telling Mom,’ he says.
Fuck.
Chapter End Notes
     Dave brought backup, not expecting he could take on a full vampire
     but thinking that if he showed how fast he was while the rest of them
     looked threatening then maybe Cal would think they were all halfies.
     With him are all the boy trolls (except Tavros), John and Terezi.
***** Chapter 19 *****
John leaves after he finishes his pancakes. Rose, Kanaya and Jade are all at
his house and they want to know what is going on. He also seems to think his
dad will let them all stay so long as he’s there, but that it’s weird if he’s
not. You give him a fistbump when he leaves and thank him for having Dave’s
back. He laughs awkwardly and pats you on the chest like he doesn’t know what
to do with that. He gets you right on your sore rib and you can’t hold back the
flinch, which makes him try to give you a hug, which again, hurts. You
disentangle yourself and give him another fistbump. When he blushes he looks so
much like the Jake from your school years that it’s hard to keep your cool.
Dave sits you next to glasses-kid and tells you to show him how you break video
games. The kid’s called Sollux and has the weirdest, most infectious laugh,
you’d call it a giggle if it weren’t so dry. He keeps up with your coding talk
and makes clever suggestions. He turns everything on one game into solid red
and blue, making it nearly impossible to distinguish objects. You verse him a
top-down strategy game and are not surprised when he beats you.
‘You played Rose before?’ you ask.
He scoffs.
‘Latht thing I need ith some broad who thinkth the’s hot thtuff athking for a
fucking heal every two thecondth,’ he says.
‘Dude,’ you say. ‘My girl’s good. Better than you, probably.’
‘If you didn’t already look like you’d rethently thtuck your whole body in a
blender I’d happily beat your ath for that,’ he says.
You laugh way too hard at that, and hurt your rib again. The kid who looks like
a bundle of matchsticks with douche glasses and a lisp just threatened you. You
get the feeling he forgot he wasn’t online.
‘Bro, strap your fucking chest, you’ve done yourself a damage,’ Dave says from
the other side of the room.
You shrug. You don’t really know how to do it on yourself and you’re not asking
him to do it, hopefully he’s already repressed what you looked like this
morning, you don’t need to remind him how shit you look under your shirt.
You’re tossing up the idea of asking Kanaya to bite and then lick it, like you
did for your toe. Vampire venom is super nice for healing shit. Ideally
Caliborn would have done that for you before he skipped out, but he’s a total
bastard. You aren’t asking him for healing, you won’t give him the
satisfaction. You let your nose heal natural style after Jake broke it that one
time, it was fine.
‘Bro,’ Dave repeats. He’s gonna be a stubborn shit about this.
‘Sollux thinks he’s better at game shit than Rose,’ you say, effectively
changing the subject. The kids pester Rose and set up a connection with John’s
computer.
Hipster kid makes some odds and wagers up, first kill, final score, winner,
that kind of thing and collects money from you, Terezi and Equius. You and
Terezi bet squarely on Rose, Equius and hipster seem confident in Sollux’s
abilities.
Rose sets up her webcam and you feel a surge of pride at the way she seems to
need to bend in such a way to adjust it that “accidentally” gives the camera a
look at her cleavage. Girl plays dirty, distract them at the beginning. Or
maybe just making the point that she is indeed a girl who is definitely going
to kick Sollux’s ass. You don’t think for a second it wasn’t on purpose. Sollux
glares at her and sets your rig up how he likes it. You get the screen
duplicated on the TV so you don’t have to crowd him at the desk.
Karkat sits next to you. You like Karkat, he doesn’t do eye-contact at all.
‘I have a theory that there is more than just the one kind of romance,’ he
says.
‘Course there is,’ you say.
‘No, I don’t mean more than one kind of relationship, obviously every
relationship is different, dickmunch.’
‘There’s no way I’m getting out of this lecture, is there?’
‘You know how when you watch Fight Club you kinda want Tyler and whatever the
main character thinks his name is to just start making out after they fight.
During, whatever.’
‘Yes,’ you agree emphatically. ‘Kid, I already know I got a pain kink, this
isn’t news,’ you say.
‘No, it’s not about the pain! I mean, yeah, a bit, it’s passionate as fuck. But
I’m talking about the rivalry.’
‘Rivalry as a basis for romance, is your theory.’
‘Yeah, like, if your douchebag wasn’t a challenge then it wouldn’t be
interesting, even if you do get your jollies off to pain.’
Dave snaps his head round to the two of you.
‘Please tell me I didn’t hear you discussing what Bro gets off to,’ he says.
‘Go back to watching the game,’ Karkat says dismissively. ‘I’m explaining
kismessitude.’
Dave rolls his eyes and goes back to watching the game.
‘Kismet-attitude?’ you ask.
‘Yeah, with nemesis chucked in. As in your rival would be called your kismesis,
but the romance quadrant itself is kismessitude.’
‘Do you have diagrams and shit?’ you ask.
‘Yes, but obviously I’m not going into this in that much detail just randomly
sitting on your fucking couch with no warning. I’m just saying, I think you can
have a healthy kismessitude so long as it’s built on mutual respect and the
desire to both grow as a consequence of your rivalry, push yourselves harder
because you want that respect and break each other down because you’re not
allowed that vulnerability elsewhere.’
‘Sounds pretty soppy, kid. How’d you make hate-sex sound soppy?’
‘It’s fucking romance, of course it’s soppy,’ he says.
‘You’re a nerd,’ you tell him.
‘You just bet on the outcome of a computer game between a couple of idiot
kids,’ he says.
‘Go on then, lay the other quadrants on me,’ you say with a smirk.
He does, using examples from his friends and movies. At one point he takes out
a deck of cards so as to illustrate who each person would be. When he talks
about it he stops swearing almost entirely.
‘Kid, this is practically a thesis,’ you say once he reaches a point where he
has run out of steam.
‘Yes, well,’ he says.
‘You’ve written it up as a thesis, haven’t you.’
‘I’ve … made notes. With citations.’
‘Dave,’ you call. The game finished almost an hour ago, but you and Karkat
talked right through it. ‘You have my blessing to marry your matesprit.’
Dave blushes so hard his whole face turns red and Karkat splutters next to you.
‘This matesprit,’ you clarify, pointing at Karkat. ‘Not letting just anyone
into the Strider clan.’
You think Dave might be about to die from embarrassment, so you pimp walk away
to give him a breather.
In the kitchen, you look up swag Dave might be interested in on your phone. If
ever the kid deserved a “sorry I’m a shit Bro-Dad” present, it was now. You
idly consider the ridiculously overpriced jetpack. You’re pretty sure you could
make one instead.
You’re interrupted from your thoughts by Terezi.
‘Hey, tough-guy!’ she says.
‘Hey, tough-girl,’ you say, a lot less loud. Is she deaf as well as blind? She
doesn’t seem to have any volume control.
‘No one has asked the most interesting question yet!’ she says. ‘I’ve been
assured you look like shit, but you are Mr Dirk Strider! You trained the cool-
kid himself!’ She leans close, conspiratorially. ‘How does the other guy look?’
You grin at her, glad she can’t see your teeth, your eyes. You’re just a
description to this girl, you can’t creep her out just because you didn’t keep
your expression under wraps.
‘He didn’t go home unscathed,’ you promise.
‘Yes, but did you win?’
You consider that. You definitely broke his nose, you think you bit off his
earlobe and he has to be just as scratched and bruised as you.
‘It was at least a tie,’ you say.
‘Excellent!’ she says.
‘So, you want to be a lawyer?’ you ask, remembering Eridan’s comments earlier.
‘Yes!’ she says, and then proceeds to do the most perfect anime-style speech
about justice you have ever heard. You want her silhouetted against flapping
flags and weird justice scale things. You wonder if you asked her again if she
would recite the same thing, word for word.
You are robbed of the ability to reply by the sound of your phone ringing. You
sigh and check the name. Roxy.
‘Dave,’ you whine.
‘I told you, Bro,’ he says. ‘I told you I was telling Mom.’
You answer.
‘Dirk Bromageddon Strider!’ she says. ‘You did not have to get our son to
uncuff you from a dubious sexual position this morning!’
‘Good afternoon, honey-muffin,’ you say. ‘I love you.’
Worth a try, anyway.
‘I have so many problems with this situation, young man!’
‘Rox, I’m older than you.’
‘Ha!’
‘Rox, he assembled a fucking army of teenagers and they’re all pretending like
they aren’t listening to this conversation.’
‘So. Get. Rid. Of. Them.’
You sigh and drop your phone arm to your waist. The kids are entirely
unconvincing in their “unrelated” activities.
‘Eyes on me,’ you say. They all obey. You take the time to stare at each of
them.
‘You will not hear the following conversation,’ you say.
‘Bro, Terezi,’ Dave says.
The girl in the kitchen is looking at you quizzically. Fuck. She’s blind.
‘Are you kidding me?’ you ask Dave.
‘What, you thought I brought her along for her intimidation factor? Not sure if
you noticed, but you and your boyfriend share some weaknesses.’
You palm your face, wincing when your fingers hit your bruised eye. Actually,
there’s a few tender spots there. Thank fuck Roxy’s just on the phone.
‘Fine, kids, you can listen to whatever the fuck you want. But you’re going up
on the roof.’
Dave grabs Terezi by the elbow. Between his shades and his own powers, he could
resist that kind of command if he wanted. You wait until they’re all gone,
scowl at the sunlight keeping you trapped in the kitchen and pull the phone
back to your ear.
‘They’re gone, Rox,’ you say.
‘We’re tackling this lecture in parts, you hear me? Okay, part the first, Dave
had to unchain you from your sex chamber, not okay! He should not be exposed to
that shit!’
‘I asked him not to, I’d have gotten out myself …’
‘I know you have smuppets all over the place, I know he knows where to find
your porn site, I was turning a blind eye there because I am not the greatest
role model myself, but this is too far, Dirk!’
‘I know. I know, I’ll have fuckin’ words with Cal, it wasn’t okay.’
‘Great! Let’s transition to point the two! Cal sounds like bad fucking news,
chicken, he’s beat you up and left you tied up and fucked off and he stalked
you and talked about killing you and he sounds like the worst!’
You want to run your fingers through your hair but it hurts, your fucking scalp
is tender.
‘Babe, he’s a dick, but … Rox, no one hurts me, no one comes close.’
‘Dirk …’
‘I know you tried, and it was good, I was into it, I swear, you’re still the
best dom I ever had, but you couldn’t hurt me, could you?’
‘Your yum may not be my yum but I will not yuck someone else’s yum,’ Roxy says,
defeated. ‘Is he actually going to kill you? Because I don’t fancy being a
widow.’
‘But you’d suit it so well,’ you say, trying for humour.
She’s silent.
You flinch, as if you can see the glare.
‘Look, it’s not just that he’s hot as hell and I don’t have to hold back with
him, though that’s part of it. I have some theories,’ you say.
‘Oh fuck, lay it on me,’ she says.
‘He’s a vampire, right. He lives here, he’s lived here for a while. He has to
know Luke. Had to, whatever. He probably knows what happened. If he actually
wants to kill me, maybe he’s involved. I swear, Droogs was influenced, I could
taste it. So, I find out who really wants me dead, why they’re sending a vamp
when they sent drones before and … fuck, Rox, this has been coming for half a
century.’
You can practically hear her thinking.
‘The pain kink fulfillment or the revenge stuff?’
‘Roxy.’
‘Dirk, are you safe?’ she asks.
‘And sane and consensual,’ you say dutifully.
‘Fuck, fine. Point the three: you have a duty of fucking care to those kids,
you can’t just kick them out because you want to have wild kinky sex with a hot
vampire!’
You don’t reply. You really don’t have a justification here.
‘Dirk, hon, you’re allowed to have a life outside the kids, but they gotta come
first.’
You find yourself suddenly fascinated with your shoes.
‘Sweetheart, talk to me,’ she says.
‘Rox, I like him.’
‘Right, well you go get him, tiger! But just sort out your kid arrangements
ahead of time. And talk to him about boundaries. And talk to them about your
relationship so I don’t wake up to a fucking wall of incomprehensible ramble
from Dave. And teach him what punctuation is.’
You do the human thing and ask Roxy how her rehab’s going, catch up on the
gossip. She sure seems a lot more energetic than she was last time you talked,
but maybe that’s just having a purpose. She brags that she hasn’t thrown up in
three days and your gut clenches because that’s an achievement for her. You let
her go with promises to keep her up to date with the Cal thing.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
TT: Okay, I’ve had my lecture, you can come down now.
TG: were pretty chill up here
TT: Not telling you where to chill, bro, but you got me trapped in the kitchen.
TT: Can you at least come down for a sec and hold the curtain closed so I can
get to my room?
TG: nah
TT: Fine.
timaeusTestified [TT] is an idle chum
timaeusTestified [TT] is an active chum
TT: Kid, I get it, ironic justice, I’m all trapped.
TT: Let me out.
TG: was that noise i just heard you
TT: Damn your vulcan hearing.
TG: did you try and use the crawl space
TG: even though you cant even walk properly
TG: you thought you could just do a jump pull up and then crawl through the
roof and then land all ninja in your room
TT: Yeah, well, obviously I can’t do that.
TG: did you hurt yourself more
TT: Takes more than falling out of the roof to hurt me.
TG: what did mom say are you grounded
TT: She’s not *my* mom.
TG: so youre grounded huh
TT: No.
TT: We do need to talk though.
TG: i hate talking
TT: Well that’s just not true.
TG: ok but the kind of talking that comes after a statement like we need to
talk
TT: Right. Me too.
TT: Reckon we can do this over Pesterchum?
TT: I’ll make a family group chat or something.
TG: rosell tell mom
TT: God damn.
TT: You gonna let me out yet?
TG: i thought you could get out yourself
TT: He didn’t trap me with sunlight, dick.
TG: whatever you have your phone
TT: True.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TT: Hey, Karkat, mind letting me out of the kitchen?
CG: DAVE SAYS NO.
TT: Come on, you don’t have to just do whatever Dave says, do you?
CG: NO, BUT I WILL IN THIS CASE.
TT: Can I maybe bribe you?
TT: I have a ridiculous amount of money.
CG: COME ON, BRO, DON’T BE THAT WAY.
CG: DAVE WILL LET YOU OUT WHEN HE’S READY.
TT: God damn stupid love making stupid bribes not work.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]
TT: Hey, kid, you mind coming back downstairs for a minute?
TC: wOaH hOw Do YoU kNoW iM aLl In A pLaCe WhAt Is NoT dOwNsTaIrS?
TT: Gamzee, it’s Bro, Dave’s Bro.
TC: :o)
TC: wHaT a MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE tHaT yOu AlL kNoW hOw To GeT yOuR pEsTeR oN
wItH mE
TT: Yeah.
TT: Come downstairs, now.
TC: hOlD oN i JuSt GoTtA tElL dAvEbRo WhErE iM gEtTiNg To
TC: He DoEsNt LiKe It WhEn I gEt My WaNdEr On
terminallyCapricious [TC] is now an idle chum
TT: Gamzee, no!
TT: You don’t have to ask permission to come downstairs!
TT: Fuck.
You resist the urge to throw your phone across the room. You don’t resist the
urge to sit on the floor and pout.
***** Chapter 20 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The sun sets before Dave and his friends come down from the roof. You lie on
your back in the kitchen dicking about on your phone while you wait. Somehow
it’s nowhere near as satisfying as being in your room with your laptop. You
don’t message Rose because you feel guilty. You don’t message Caliborn because
you’re too proud.
Even when the sun fades from the room, you don’t bother moving. You probably
need to take it easy for a while and the kitchen floor is reasonably
comfortable. You need to feed, help the healing along, but even with your
influence it’s going to be hard to convince someone to come home with you
looking like this. You don’t message Ellie, even though that’s the obvious
answer. You need to talk to your kids before you do anything more with your
romantic partners. The last thing you need is for Dave to come downstairs and
find that you’re locked back in your room. Not that you think you have anymore
sex left in you, but there’s humans around, you can’t have them walking in on
you going all Nosferatu on a cute blonde.
‘Sup, Bro?’ Dave says when he climbs back through the window.
You give him the finger but otherwise don’t react.
‘I’m gonna go pick the girls up,’ he says. ‘Karkat’s gonna hang here for a bit,
okay?’
Karkat sits down in the kitchen with you, leaning back against the fridge. You
have to stretch to fistbump him so he knows you’re still chill even though he
picked Dave over you earlier.
The other kids file out with an unreasonable amount of chattering. You keep
your eyes closed ‘til they’re gone.
‘Don’t you have a home to go to?’ you ask Karkat.
‘No, hadn’t you heard? You’re adopting me too,’ he says sarcastically.
You chuckle. It  has  almost been a month since you got another kid, you’re
probably due.
‘Dave asked me to stand guard,’ Karkat says. He sounds incredulous.
‘Babysit, more like,’ you say.
‘He knows you’re sticking around for a bit. He worries about the other guy
coming back while you’re …’
‘Weak as a newborn kitten?’
‘Uh …’
‘Cal’s not gonna come back ‘til he’s recovered himself.’
Karkat shrugs.
‘You gonna stick around for the family meeting?’ you ask.
‘Do I want to?’ he asks.
‘Ooh,’ you say. ‘Help me figure out what the fuck I’m going to say.’
Karkat gives you a flat look, like he can’t believe you said that.
‘What? You’re sensible.’
He sighs. You decide to just lie in silence until the others get home.
 
When they do, you sit them down on the couches and pace as you try and find
words. You’ve been trying to organise this in your mind all day, but you’re
distractible as hell and you think you’re just gonna wing it.
‘Alright. First things first, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ditched you all like
that, that must have been scary, and I’m sorry you had to find me like this.’
You gesture at your face. You caught a glimpse of your reflection earlier and
it seems to have gotten even worse over the course of the day.
Dave makes an uncomfortable noise, and you just know he’s going to say it isn’t
the finding that’s the problem but it is. You hold your hand up.
‘Shut up, kid, it’s Bro talking time. Y’all can say your pieces when I’m done.’
They make various nodding gestures. Karkat looks all awkward, like he’s really
not sure he belongs.
‘Okay, so, I’m sorry. But more important, I’m not going to pull that shit on
you again. If I’m gonna have a guest, you’ll know about it in advance and
you’ll have your own plans, I won’t force it on you like that. I have my
reasons, but they’re not good enough, you guys are top priority.’
You look at them to make sure they know that.
‘Now, I’m not a sharing kind of guy, but you deserve to know what’s going on.’
You hesitate, but you’ve made the decision, you gotta follow through. ‘About
fifty years ago, I got a visit from an old school friend, Jake. Thought nothing
of it, until he shows up again and kills my master, Luke, thinks he’s saving
me, freaks out ‘cause I drained his stupid comrade because surprise, Jake, I’m
a vampire too, and drags me away to an island for a decade.’
You pause and take a deep breath. Maybe your exposition could use some work.
You're not much of a storyteller.
‘Now, I was pretty fuckin’ trapped. I know you thought I was trapped this
morning, or even in the kitchen, but let me tell you now, there is no fuckin’
way for a vampire to escape a tropical fuckin’ island. I’m fast, but I’m not
fast enough to swim thousands of miles to another country without even knowing
what direction to swim. Took months before I could even look at Jake, I was so
cross. I wanted revenge for my master and he trapped me.’
Your fangs are out at the memory, but you don’t care. You keep pacing.
‘Anyway, we worked things out, eventually he trusted me enough to go exploring
with him and by that stage I was so in love with him I just figured the revenge
stuff could wait. He wanted me to turn him, but … Anyway, he died way too
young, got himself shot being a hero.
‘So I mourned for a bit and found my way home, eventually, and started doing
digging, trying to find who Jake was working for. He didn’t know, or I’d have
made him tell me, but he gave me enough to make a start, even twenty plus years
after the fact. And who do I find, schmoozing her way into illegal poker rings,
only very slightly older than you are now?’
‘Mom?’ Rose says.
‘She latched onto me, because that was her goal all along, find a big,
dangerous man to save her from her family. And she pretty effectively
distracted me for the, what, six years we were together? And then she went
missing and I found her and got Dave and let me tell you, kids are  hard . And
I was broke, so it was harder, so I got myself my jobs, mortgaged the place and
got an assistant to take Dave to school and pretended I was too rich to handle
him rather than too vampire. I figured, what’s a couple decades raising a kid,
I can get revenge anytime.’
You scrub your hands through your hair. You haven’t talked this much in a long
time, you tend to speak in fragments and gestures if you’re not rapping.
‘What does this have to do with Big Cal?’ Dave says.
‘Oh my god, don’t call him that, call him Caliborn or That Prick or something.’
‘Bro,’ he says.
‘Right. Uh, well, he’s a vampire, he’s older than me, he’s from here and he
wants me dead. He’s a lead.’
‘Is this how the detectives do it?’ Rose asks dryly. ‘Suddenly, the appeal is
obvious.’
‘Okay, well, here’s the thing. I convinced him not to kill me right away,
because of how—’
‘Want you to not finish that sentence, Bro,’ Dave says.
You smirk.
‘Because of how I have a magic cock,’ you say, enunciating your words rather
than letting them fall out of your mouth all slurred like usual.
‘So what, you’re going to go after him?’ Karkat asks, interrupting your staring
competition with Dave.
‘Yeah, well, not until I’m firing all cylinders again, obviously. Actually, I’d
like to recover as quickly as possible, not give him the advantage.’
Dave makes a sarcastic “go ahead” type gesture.
‘Kanaya, how do you feel about helping me out a little,’ you say.
‘Yes,’ she says immediately. You stare at the roof, helplessly. You tried to
make that as optional as possible. ‘On second thought,’ she says carefully, ‘I
would rather like to know what you require from me.’
‘Atta girl,’ you say. ‘Just need you to bite me on the rib, reckon I broke it.
Wouldn’t say no to healing some of the scratches, either.’
‘How?’ Rose says.
You scratch yourself carefully on the hand, let the blood well up. You lick
along the same line and it heals.
Kanaya’s eyes widen. Rose’s narrow.
‘You have a think about that. I actually really need a feed, too, so I was
gonna message Ellie, get her to come over. Are you all okay with that?’
‘We don’t get a say when it’s creepy murder guy but when it’s Ellie you ask for
permission?’ Dave asks incredulously.
‘ No , that’s my  point , you have to give me the okay no matter who it is,
now. I won’t make you uncomfortable in your own home and I won’t kick you out
anymore.’
You stare at him, willing him to understand.
‘I don’t have a problem with Ellie coming over,’ Rose says, breaking the
tension.
‘Right, no, neither do I,’ Dave says. He stands up and runs his hands through
his hair before dropping them to his sides. ‘Rose, I need a shrinking,’ he
says.
‘Then I propose we retire to my office,’ she says with a smile. ‘Kanaya, you
should help Bro if you’re comfortable with it.’
‘I’ll stay out here,’ Karkat says. ‘Play chaperone or what the fuck ever.’
 
Rose and Dave leave the room and you look at Kanaya, try to figure out what’s
going on in her head.
‘You’ll tell me to stop if I …’ she trails off, looking uncomfortable.
‘Yeah,’ you say.
‘Okay,’ she says.
You kneel in front of her and she bites and then licks at your bruised eye. You
sigh with relief as the pain goes away. She hesitates before doing the same on
your neck. You watch Karkat as she works so you don’t focus too much on how it
feels. You’re proud when she pulls away without needing to be told.
‘Holy shit,’ Karkat says. ‘Sometimes I forget you guys are magic.’
You snort and take your shirt off.
Karkat looks horrified, so you look down at your chest. Ugh, yes, he broke your
rib. That’s what a broken rib with internal bleeding looks like.
‘Well, I suppose we should be grateful that you look rather hideous at
present,’ Kanaya says dryly.
‘Shut up and use your magic on me, babe,’ you say.
She bites you deeply at the centre of your massive bruise and you wonder if
that’s instinctive or if she’s just clever. She licks her puncture wounds
closed and moves onto the numerous scratches you have over your chest. You
watch as the colour fades, feel your rib strengthen inside you, take your first
deep breath of the day.
‘Bro,’ Karkat says warningly. You realise that you had let your eyes fall
closed, got carried away with how good it felt not to hurt anymore. You shake
yourself and give him a tight smile of thanks.
Kanaya has healed the top half of your chest and is looking at the bruise marks
on your hips. You decide you’ve flirted with disaster enough today and turn
around so that she can get the scratches on your back. Her tongue is warm and
soft on your shoulder blades, down your spine. She pauses at the point where
she must be running out of comfort, because you know you have scratches lower
down, but you’re grateful for what you got, so you step out of her reach and
put your shirt back on.
‘So,’ you say. ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome,’ she says, avoiding your eyes.
‘Good job us for keeping it in our pants,’ you say, holding your fist up for
her to bump.
She hesitates, but bumps it.
‘You proud of us, Karkat?’ you say.
‘Yep,’ he says shortly.
You grin at him before you can stop yourself. You  just  manage to stop
yourself from asking him how turned on he is from your strip show. Look at
that, you’re improving as a person.
You pat them both condescendingly on the head and then retreat to your bedroom
to wait until Ellie replies to your message.
 
You knock on Rose’s door an hour later to let the kids know Ellie’s coming
over. She tells you to come in. Dave is lying on her bed on his back and she is
sitting on her desk chair holding a notebook and a fluffy pink pen.
You take your phone out and order a pair of fake librarian glasses, complete
with pearl glasses chain. She needs it to make this more ironic. And you needed
to get her a present anyway, after today.
‘Yes?’ she says.
You realise you just came into her room and then did something she couldn’t see
on your phone for a bit. Whoops. How do you socialise again?
‘Ellie’s on her way over.’
‘Dave,’ Rose prompts.
‘Oh my god, no, you can’t make me.’
‘I can,’ she says, so sweetly you sense a trap.
‘Fine!’ Dave covers his face with his hands. ‘Thank you for considering our
feelings, Bro,’ he mumbles.
You look at Rose for guidance, but she’s too busy being smug.
‘Uh, no worries,’ you say.
There’s a pause where you’re not sure if you should still be in the room, and
then you leave.
Karkat and Kanaya are in the living room. Karkat is sitting between Kanaya’s
legs as she combs his hair. From his swearing, it isn’t going well.
‘And then I’ll dig up your dead dog from your backyard, bring him back to life
with the miracle of fucking electricity and then cut him into tiny pieces as
you fucking watch,’ Karkat spits.
‘Yes, I am sorry for that one, I thought all the tangles were gone on that
side,’ Kanaya says calmly.
‘Hey,’ you say. ‘Ellie’s on her way over.’
‘Want me to leave?’ Karkat says.
‘Nah, just a heads up.’
‘Thank you,’ Kanaya says.
‘OW! You fucking twat-munching blood-sucking son of a whore!  Fuck! ’
‘You want conditioner or something, Kanaya?’
‘I’m nearly done, he’s just a baby,’ she says.
You decide to sit and watch them until Ellie arrives.
‘Jesus fucking christ on a popsicle, are you trying to kill me you
doucheshitting pile of dicks?!’
‘As I was saying, the television series captures the humour, but misses a lot
of the heart from the books,’ Kanaya says.
‘Yes, because the books are constantly describing sexual tension and other
things that happen in the character’s heads—I WILL PULL YOUR OVARIES OUT AND
SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING WHORE!’
‘But skilled actors can and do portray such tension in other shows,’ Kanaya
says.
‘Yeah, but not teenagers, teen actors suck a bag of  ow, Kanaya, ow,  and,
like, fair enough because they’re learning and it’s hard to do comedy and drama
at the same time but it’s also really fucking disappointing.’
‘Done!’ Kanaya says.
‘You are not,’ Karkat says. ‘You never stop when you get all the knots out, you
keep going.’
‘Yes, and it is such a hardship for you,’ she says mournfully.
Now when she pulls the comb through, it doesn’t falter. Karkat’s hair is
ridiculously fluffy all combed out.
You’re tempted to say something, because you find it strange that they’ve
stopped talking now, but then Karkat’s eyes fall closed and he slumps back into
Kanaya’s chest. She brushes a few more times, before making meaningful eye
contact with you. You grab his legs and help her position him on the couch, his
head on her lap so she can keep stroking his hair.
‘He doesn’t sleep,’ she whispers. ‘You have to trick him into it.’
There’s a knock on the door and Karkat springs up.
‘FUCK! I’m not asleep!’ he says.
‘No,’ Kanaya says, ‘we were just talking. Put your head back down, silly,
you’re keeping a poor lifeless girl warm.’
She glares at you and you go let Ellie in.
‘Hey,’ you say.
‘Hi there,’ she says.
‘Come with me,’ you say, and you lead her past where Kanaya’s brushing Karkat’s
hair again to your room.
‘Ooh, straight to the bedroom, huh?’ she says. She winks at you as you close
the door and you’re reminded of how she kinda looks like a young Roxy.
‘This is a kiss,’ you tell her.
You sink your fangs into her neck and she moans quietly. You drink deeply
because you need to. When you’re finished, you sit her on your bed and go get
her a big glass of water.
‘Drink this,’ you tell her.
She does.
‘You stayed here for a while, had a nice time, but it’s getting late and you
want to go home,’ you tell her.
‘Bro, I hate to cut and run,’ she says.
‘I understand,’ you say.
‘But message me again soon?’
‘Absolutely.’
You walk her to the door and hand Kanaya her sewing so she doesn’t have to
disturb Karkat again.
You walk back to Rose’s room and knock.
‘Come in.’
‘Right, I’m off,’ you tell them.
Dave sits up.
‘What, I thought Ellie was coming over?’ he says.
‘Yeah, she’s gone now. You guys’ll be right here on your own?’
‘Where are you going?’ Rose asks.
‘Gonna find Caliborn. He won’t expect me to recover this quick, gotta move
while I have the advantage.’
‘Bro,’ Dave says.
‘Nope, you don’t get a say in what I do. Who I bring home and when, yes, but
this is all me.’ You give him a stern look. ‘Karkat’s asleep on the couch, wake
him and risk Kanaya’s wrath.’
You give them a little wave and head out. You have some shit to sort out.
Chapter End Notes
     Yeah, so I have parts of the backstory properly written out, but I
     didn't want to start posting that until it wasn't going to be
     spoiler-ey. So, don't worry, you'll get proper details as well as
     Dirk style exposition.
     For the record, if he was telling someone about this story, he'd
     probably say:
     'Yeah, so my son's friend turned out to be my daughter and then her
     girlfriend got herself stabbed and she convinced me to turn her and
     it was all pretty fucked up.'
     Your lovely comments are so inspiring. I'm really glad there are
     people enjoying reading this!
***** Chapter 21 *****
You don’t bother messaging Caliborn. What’s the point in asking your stalker to
meet up with you? You just walk, hands in pockets, like you got nowhere urgent
to be. You strain your ears, listening. You stop abruptly and hear the sounds
of someone stopping clumsily on the other end of the street. You flash step in
front of him so fast it must look like you teleported. You smile at him in that
way you have that is really not nice.
‘Get Cal for me,’ you say, quiet and dangerous.
The guy is so short you almost think he’s a kid and his eyes nearly pop out of
his head with concern that is so naive that you feel a stab of guilt. But he’s
tailing you. And you don’t give a shit. He nods nervously and speaks into a
walkie talkie. You snatch it out of his hand when he’s done, examine it. Looks
like they’ve rigged it up so it works long range. But why not just use a phone?
God, Cal isn’t one of those vampires, is he? The kind that hasn’t bothered to
keep up with technology? You roll your eyes and drop the device back to the
little guy, who nearly fumbles but manages to save it. You lean against the
alleyway and give him your hungriest vampire look. He cowers a little.
‘Could you hurry up, please, sir?’ he says to the walkie.
You don’t restrain your smirk at all.
By the time Cal gets there, only five minutes later, you think you’ve nearly
convinced the little guy to wet himself. You haven’t cheated, hypnotising
someone to piss themselves is funny but cruel, but yeah … a few more minutes
with you staring at his neck and flashing fangs at him …
You turn your smirk on Cal, push off the wall and move towards him. He rocks
back on one leg, ready to fight. You wrap an arm around his neck and kiss him
sweetly instead. He punches you, right on the ribs you just got healed, but you
don’t give up. It hurts him more to be seen like this in front of his little
minion than he could possibly hurt you, you know that. He opens his mouth to
bite at your lips, kicks at you, but you just move closer, stick your tongue in
his mouth and sigh romantically.
When you pull back, his eyes are so filled with hatred you think you might
swoon.
‘Scram, kid,’ you tell the minion. ‘You made the booty call, we don’t need you
anymore.’
Cal bares his teeth at you (fangs are so hot, you love vampire sex) but doesn’t
contradict your orders, so the guy runs off. Actually runs, that’s hilarious.
‘Let me get a look at you,’ you say to Cal. His nose has been set and there’s a
plaster over it, but it’s still broken. So, no other vampires in the
organisation or Cal’s not high ranking enough or they’re pissed at him for
fucking you instead of killing you. Could be any of those. You peel the bandage
off and drop it to the ground. You bite and suck at his nose, which, is pretty
weird, you guess, but now it’s healed and it wasn’t before and you didn’t need
to ask for his help but you helped him and yeah, you’re pretty hard. You tilt
his head to examine his ear. You tore it up good last night. You suck and lick
at the frayed edges and he shudders. Yeah, it was sensitive last night too, and
that was before you exposed all these lovely nerves. He’s melting like fucking
butter for you, you’re being sweet as can be, fixing him up because you broke
him and you love it.
‘Take me home,’ you tell him.
‘You live right there, fuckhead,’ he says, but there’s no bite to his words
because you’re stroking him gently and he’s a pussycat, really.
‘Yeah, and I’m telling you to take me home.’ If he had hair, you’d yank on it
then, but it’s stubble short.. You pinch his earlobe instead. He looks down at
you, considers it. He pulls you along the street by the wrist until you flick
it so he’s holding your hand instead. He looks back at it and glares, but
doesn’t object. You didn’t get to fuck him slow last night, that’s how you’ll
play it tonight. He looks worse than you do, hasn’t fed or healed like you
have, you have the advantage and you’re going to be so generous with it.
He doesn’t live far away. Another guy is standing guard and you grin at him
with all your teeth. This one doesn’t spook at all, just stares blankly at you.
‘Slick, unless I call for you personally, by name, you don’t fucking disturb
us,’ Cal says, not even looking at the guy. You wink at him before you get
dragged into a bedroom.
‘You just reuse codenames?’ you ask casually.
‘Who’s got time to learn names?’ he says defensively. Then he realises what you
said. You smile innocently at him as he rounds on you. ‘You met a Slick
before?’ he asks.
‘I fucked a Slick before,’ you purr. ‘Caliborn, we got some stuff to talk
about.’
You find a chair and sit on it, lean all cocky and relaxed with your legs
spread. He sits on his bed. Maybe you could leave off talking for just a bit …
no be a grown up, fuck, sex can wait until after the interrogation.
‘So, first off, you’re not to leave me like that for my kid to find again, you
got it?’
‘I leave you how you deserve to be left,’ he spits.
You flashstep on top of him straddle his chest, pull his wrists up and have
them bound in seconds. You have a lot of bondage stuff captchalogued. None of
it is for you, tonight. He’s too weak to fight you effectively and you
surprised him.
You climb off him and leave him tied to his headboard and retake your seat.
‘I would like to establish a rule that neither of us leaves the other in this
kind of situation. I don’t want to scar my kid, you don’t want your minions to
lose respect for you. What do you think, Caliborn?’
He writhes against the bonds, but he’s not getting free. You built these to
withstand your strength. You know what you’re about. You don’t move from your
chair. It would be funny to strip him, to make him more vulnerable, to drive
home your point, but you have business to discuss before you get to the fun
part and just imagining him like that’s enough to distract you.
You wait until he stops moving, until he glares at you.
‘Do we have a deal?’
‘Fine,’ he says.
‘Okay. Second rule: unless we get to the killing stage, we heal each other’s
serious injuries. Broken bones, that kinda shit. I don’t care if you leave me
with some bruises, but I didn’t enjoy today at all and I doubt you liked it any
better.’
‘Fine,’ he says.
You nod to yourself.
‘Okay, I got some questions about your little organisation here. You in charge
of the Midnight Crew?’
‘And The Felt,’ he says smugly. ‘The Crew’s new. I only got them …’ he thinks
about it, ‘four years ago.’
‘Shit,’ you say, unwillingly impressed. You thought they were rival gangs,
didn’t think anything would make them work together. You knew one of them was
involved, got yourself invited to some poker games, thought they might hire you
to do some grunt work when they saw how strong you were, hell, thought you
might sleep your way to the top when you saw Slick was interested, then Roxy
ruined all your plans and now your intel is twenty years out of date.
‘Yes, I am very good,’ Cal says.
You smirk at him.
‘Okay, who do you work for, then?’
‘No one,’ he says, grinning at you. ‘I am the top dog.’
‘Wow,’ you say. Top dog, what the fuck, are you going to sleep with someone who
said “top dog”? ‘Okay, buddy, answer me this, then. Who’s Lord English?’
His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He didn’t expect you to know that name. You
got him on the ropes now.
‘Have I tried to kill you before?’ he asks.
‘My master,’ you say casually, waving it away like it’s nothing. ‘Come on, “top
dog”, tell me who the big bad is.’
‘Who was your master?’ he demands.
‘Not important, who is Lord English?’
‘I will kill you, Dirk Strider, who was your master?’
‘I’ll tell you if you tell me who Lord English is,’ you say. He really isn’t in
any position to be making demands, all trussed up on the bed there.
‘You first,’ he says.
You roll your eyes, and then glare at him because you’ve just remembered he
broke your shades again, you don’t have to move them down so he can see you
rolling your eyes, and it pisses you off.
‘Luke. Used the last name Smith when I was with him. Don’t know what his real
one was.’
‘You are the thrall who escaped with Jake English!’ he says.
‘Not a thrall,’ you say, because duh.
He grins at you manically.
‘Who is Lord English?’ you ask again.
‘I am Lord English and I killed your master and your Jake and I will kill you
and everyone you love.’
No.
Caliborn can’t be Lord English, Caliborn’s an idiot.
He killed Jake? But that was …
Okay, maybe he’s a more serious threat than you thought.
Shit.
Why do you always think with your dick?
What do you do?
‘I have to go,’ you say.
‘Dirk Strider! The rules! Untie me!’
‘Right.’
You unclasp the fastenings on one wrist so he can get himself out and then
flashstep away before he can catch you. You aren’t stupid. You fly home in a
daze.
You don’t realise you’re home and you haven’t transformed human again until you
feel Dave’s hands around your body.
‘Dude, stop flapping about like a weirdo,’ he says.
You try and give him a scathing look while still bat-shaped, but turns out
that’s impossible. Actually, being a bat is nice, you’re gonna stick like this
for a while. You squirm out of his grasp and use your hand claws to climb onto
his shoulder.
‘Yeah, okay …’ Dave says. ‘Haven’t seen you like this for a while.’
You can’t even shrug. Yeah, you’re not transforming. Fuck the societal pressure
to communicate.
‘You wanna hang in my room?’ he says. He waits for an answer like an idiot. If
you don’t want to hang somewhere, you’ll fly away.
‘What’s wrong with him?’ Kanaya asks.
‘Woah,’ Dave says. ‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He wants to be a bat he can
be a bat, don’t hate.’
You knead into his shoulder with your claws approvingly. You have the best kid.
‘No, I mean—’
‘Come on, Bro, I found a channel that dubs over Dragon Ball Z, we’re gonna
watch it all.’
He takes you to his room and closes the door after him. He doesn’t make you get
off his shoulder when he brings his computer back to life, knows you’ll hop off
when you feel like it.
‘Ugh, god damn it, Rose, mind your own business,’ he says to the screen.
There’s a pesterchum conversation there, filled with violet and red text. Your
bat eyes struggle with the colours for a bit before you make them act in a more
human way, and by then he’s exited the conversation and is pulling up YouTube.
You watch four episodes before you crawl down his arm and then hop-fly from his
desk to his bed. You transform into your human form, but keep your arms around
your knees. Dave doesn’t look back at you because he’s a good kid who lets you
wallow at your own fuckin’ pace.
‘You chill?’ he asks as the next episode starts.
‘Chill as chill gets,’ you say.
‘Wanna talk about it?’
‘Just watch the show,’ you say.
He lets two more episodes pass as you slowly untangle from your sulk.
‘He’s behind it all,’ you say. ‘He’s behind it all and I don’t know what to
do.’
‘What do you mean, bro?’
You shrug and flop down on the bed.
‘You always say the most comforting things,’ he says sarcastically.
‘Do I kill him? And the gangs? Can I even do that? Take down all those people?’
‘Uh … other concern,’ Dave says, holding his hand up like he’s in class.
‘Should you?’
‘Morals,’ you scoff. You like that he is so certain of your capability it
doesn’t merit discussion.
He kicks his feet up onto the bed so he can poke your leg with his toes.
‘But if I don’t … God, six months ago, seriously, just six fuckin’ months ago I
would have packed you up and taken you to … I dunno, Australia or something.’
‘I still had these people six months ago,’ he says.
‘Yeah, but they weren’t real to me.’
He hums thoughtfully.
‘We could still do it.’
‘Yeah, not gonna,’ you say. You don’t say that you aren’t sure Cal wouldn’t
kill everyone in a tantrum.
‘Okay, so running is out. Killing everyone is out. What else?’
You peek at him through nearly closed eyes. He’s so comfortable with this. Has
so much faith, in your abilities, sure, but in his, too. Your son. Your little
bro.
‘Bro,’ he says, and you must have zoned out for a bit for him to be calling you
out on it. ‘Come on, you weren’t worried about him killing you before, your
instincts are good.’
‘Yeah, ‘cause I knew he wasn’t gonna until he fucked me and I knew I could put
on a good enough show to keep him interested. Make keeping me alive worth more
than killing me. You reckon I should seduce him to keep alive?’ you ask
sarcastically.
‘Wasn’t that what you were already doing?’
You shrug.
He doesn’t push. He never pushes. He puts on more YouTube videos and just
shoves you to the side when he wants to go to bed. He doesn’t kick you out. You
go to leave anyway, give him his teenage privacy, whatever.
‘Bro,’ he says, and you stop at the door. ‘Stay?’
You shrug and flop back onto the bed, like you used to when he had bad dreams.
You’re not sure if you’re here so he knows you’re safe or so you know he’s
safe, but it’s good. It’s better than thinking about this shit alone in your
room.
*
Rose’s POV
You were both on your feet as soon as you heard Kanaya call your name. You walk
into the living room to see Kanaya and Karkat watching a bat flap clumsily
around the kitchen. You would never guess that was Bro, always so graceful as a
human, but the probability of a random bat making its way into the apartment is
vanishingly low. Dave barely hesitates, he does some parkour thing you suppose
is impressive and catches the bat.
‘Dude, stop flapping about like a weirdo,’ he says, holding onto the bat
gently. You note the way the bat relaxed the second Dave got his hands around
him. The bat, you say, like it isn’t Bro. Bat-Bro climbs up to Dave’s shoulder
like they do it all the time. They might. It’s hard, sometimes, seeing proof
that you don’t quite fit into their family.
‘Yeah, okay …’ Dave says. ‘Haven’t seen you like this for a while.’
Dave can carry out one-sided conversations with Bro, you know this. It’s hardly
surprising he does it when he’s a bat, too. You want to ask why Bro is a bat,
but you don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you don’t know.
You had thought that because Dave didn’t know all those things from Bro’s past
until you got him to tell them to the two of you, that meant that you both knew
him the same. It’s not that at all. You have been incredibly naive.
‘You wanna hang in my room?’ Dave asks Bat-Bro.
‘What’s wrong with him?’ Kanaya asks. You’re so glad it wasn’t you. You could
kiss her.
‘Woah,’ Dave says. ‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He wants to be a bat he can
be a bat, don’t hate.’
You feel your forehead wrinkling with confusion and stop it, force yourself to
relax yourself. Is Bro doing this therapeutically?
‘No, I mean—’ Kanaya starts, but Dave talks over her.
‘Come on, Bro, I found a channel that dubs over Dragon Ball Z, we’re gonna
watch it all.’
Dave walks out of the room, gives you the slightest twitch of the lips that
tells you he’s sorry he isn’t able to exposition rap all over you on the way.
You nod calmly at him as if you understand everything. You don’t. You pull out
your phone.
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
TT: Is he hurt?
TT: Physically, to clarify.
TT: Does he need Kanaya to do anything?
TT: Dave, you said you were going to use your computer, don’t pretend you
aren’t seeing these messages.
TT: I imagine that if you could turn into a bat you would use it to avoid
conversation a lot, too.
TG: jesus fucking christ lalonde
TG: step off he doesnt like to talk and theres people in his house all the time
and its like you never hear me when i say to you that we gotta be more gentle
on bro
TG: hell talk when hes ready to talk and you can psychoanalyse us both to tears
tomorrow but we give him a fuckin break first ok
TT: Sorry.
TT: I forget myself sometimes.
TG: you know i dont want to make you feel shit
TG: well jam about all this tomorrow k
TT: Of course.
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
‘What was all that about?’ Karkat asks.
‘I really haven’t lived here long,’ you say, as if you probably know but just
aren’t telling them. You take a seat on the couch and wait for them to sit as
well. Don’t they know that a lady always pretends she was expecting whatever
happens in front of her? Probably not. Your mother’s lessons were … atypical.
You would probably do just fine if you ended up in a film noir, but the
practicalities for everyday life really aren’t there.
‘He wasn’t gone long,’ Kanaya says.
‘Perhaps he has a lot on his mind,’ you say. ‘Dave assures me he is physically
fine, so that will have to do for now. Karkat, what’s going on with Gamzee and
Tavros?’ you ask, to change the subject.
Karkat has a lot to say about Gamzee and Tavros.
When you walk to your room later, you hear Bro talking to Dave from Dave’s
room. You keep your steps precisely measured, even though you want to run and
hide in your bed. Your mother raised you better than that.
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!
TT: Mom, I know you aren’t allowed computers, I know this is stupid.
TT: As Dave would say, “whatever”. It’s close enough.
TT: I miss you.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!
TT: Yes, and fuck you too, Pesterchum.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
***** Chapter 22 *****
You stay all night with Dave. At first you lie on your back and he curls away
from you, his back right up close to your side and you know that as soon as
he’s asleep you’ll be able to sneak away. But you don’t, and he rolls around in
his sleep, sometimes throwing his arm around you like you’re some oversized
teddy bear, sometimes not touching you at all and you just stay there for it.
You feel like you’re only in the real world when he moves and reminds you of
it. The rest of the time you just let your thoughts go wild and it’s almost
like meditating, just louder.
Your life has been long, and parts of it have been complicated. You don’t feel
the need to go over it in any great detail with anyone, not even yourself.
Certainly, you didn’t  enjoy  being ostracised because you didn’t have family,
despite the war killing plenty of parents. You know you were in a vulnerable
spot, no matter how fit you were physically and you know Luke took advantage of
that. You know your relationship with him wasn’t especially healthy, nor was
your rebound onto Jake. You know your revenge mission was interesting enough
and that the whole Roxy relationship culminating in you raising Dave would make
for a pretty good arc on a soap opera.
Dave sighs in his sleep and you look at the clock. Midnight. Huh, feels like it
should be later.
Despite all this, you’ve never felt the need to  connect  everything. But now
you’re obsessing, trying to find links between Jake and Luke, between Caliborn
and  everything . You have to imagine that Caliborn found out about you because
you turned Kanaya. You have no idea how those things were linked, but despite
you not knowing Caliborn that well, you know he doesn’t have patience. You know
he wouldn’t hold onto the knowledge that you exist for twenty years before
acting on it. So what changed? You made a new vampire. Hence, he has some way
of knowing that, that’s how he found out about you, that’s the connection.
Jake worked for this fucker. Jake killed Luke on his orders. But Caliborn
didn’t know about you, didn’t know why Jake disappeared. But, of course, Jake
had to keep adventuring. If Caliborn had kept half an ear out for news about an
Indiana Jones wannabe, he would have known where to find Jake. Would have known
where to place a bounty.
Dave rolls over and you see that it’s now two in the morning.
Can you hold all that against Caliborn? It’s just business, in a sense. Sure,
he’s killed the two most important men in your life, but he didn’t do that for
the reason of hurting you.
Can you just seduce him? Obviously you  can , you’re Dirk motherfucking
Strider, but … can you bear to seduce the man who cost you so much? If you
don’t, will he kill you and Dave and Kanaya and Roxy? Your moral qualms mean
nothing against their suffering.
Fuck, you don’t know how to gain the upper hand, that’s the thing.
You feel when Dave wakes up, his breathing changes and there’s just a different
energy. He doesn’t move for a few minutes, and then he sits up, perfectly
alert. You hand him his shades without thinking about it and he climbs over you
to go about his morning. You stay in his bed, stare at the ceiling.
There’s always people in your house now. You used to hide in the crawl space
because Dave was too much sometimes, now there’s Rose and Kanaya as well and
there always seems to be an extra hanging around. Even when Roxy sorts herself
out and takes Rose back, you’ll be stuck with Kanaya for … well, eternity,
unless she wants to go do her own thing. Not like you’re ever going to kick her
out. And you don’t just owe these people your hospitality and protection, you
owe them your honesty, which has never been something you’ve been good at. You
would lie if you could come up with something convincing. If Dave wouldn’t pick
up on it immediately.
Dave comes into the room and pulls you up by the wrists, drags you to the
living room. You just flop on the couch there, you don’t mind relocating if he
wants his room free. But he doesn’t need his room, he just shoves a controller
into your hands and pulls up  Mad Snacks Yo . You hold the controller loosely
while you think. You twiddle the joysticks absently, not even really looking at
your character on the screen.
Can you ask for their advice? Does that undermine your authority? Can they give
advice on the information you’ve given them so far? God, you wish Jane was
alive.
Roxy, Roxy will help.
‘Time is it?’ you ask Dave.
‘Two in the afternoon.’
‘Where’s Rose?’
‘Probably in her room.’
You’re tempted to just shout for her, but you don’t really do shouting.
‘Ask her if she wants to visit her mom tonight.’
‘ ROSE !’ Dave shouts.
You lean back slightly as if the force of his yell has blown you back.
Rose appears in the doorway just as Dave is sucking in air to shout for her
again.
‘If you ask me to get you an apple juice …’ Rose says.
‘You wanna visit your mom tonight?’ you ask before she can threaten Dave.
‘Aw yeah,  can  you grab me an aj? Now you say it …’
‘Yes,’ Rose says. ‘That would be nice.’
Her face is just a smidge too composed. You think she wants it quite a bit.
Damn, you’ve been neglecting that front again. Your way of focussing intently
on one thing at a time really isn’t conducive to being a good parent.
You make sure it’s all okay with the rehab people and decide that today is your
do-things-a-responsible-person-would-do day. You clean the apartment. You find
out that the holidays are over and Rose has been skipping school and you leave
her a note telling her not to do that (that’s how parents do that, right?). You
file Dave’s homeschooling stuff and dump a load of papers on his new subjects
on his desk. You answer emails and pack smuppets into boxes and stick labels on
them. You sneak up on Kanaya six times, brandishing Cal, and by the fourth time
she doesn’t even attack you. The second time she got the drop on you and nearly
took your nose off when she tackled you and hissed uncomfortably close to you.
Karkat and Dave leave for part of the day, but they both come back before the
sun sets. Apparently Karkat’s coming along with you to visit Roxy, too. Why do
these kids never ask you if they’re invited?
 
Roxy meets you in the cafeteria this time, a place filled with other people
presumably getting over stuff too. She lets you all come to her, doesn’t do
anything as undignified as rushing over or anything like that. You hug her and
suffer through an overly dramatic kiss before she turns to Rose. You scrub at
your lips with the back of your hand and note that she’s allowed makeup again.
Dave’s smartass smirk is cut off by him being dragged into a big hug too. You
decide to take a seat. Roxy hugs Kanaya and Karkat as well. Then Karkat
introduces himself, looking incredibly awkward.
You all take seats at her table and she smiles at you in turn. She looks
better, more like herself. You’re not sure how much of that’s the makeup, if
it’s because she’s put the weight she lost back on or if it’s just that her
smile seems genuine.
‘How’s tricks?’ you ask.
‘Tricks are  good !’ she says. ‘I didn’t want to say until I was sure, but it
looks like I’ll be out of here in two weeks!’
‘Holy shit, Rox,’ you say, sitting up.
Rose lets out a little noise and covers her mouth daintily.
‘Hey, congrats,’ Dave says warmly.
‘Yeah, I mean, I still gotta come back and do the therapy stuff, which is kinda
a relief ‘cause I don’t know if I’m ready to just be chucked out with nothin’,
but yeah!’ Roxy beams at you all. ‘Rosie, I was thinkin’, maybe we could ease
our way back into it too, rather than just, woah! Jumpin’ in, does that make
sense?’
‘Sure,’ Rose says hesitantly. ‘What do you mean, precisely?’
‘Well, how’s about you do two days with me, five with your daddy for the first
week, just so as we know I can take it. I know it sucks, but I’m still wobbly
on my feet, love, I don’t want to end up back here, gotta be gentle, ya feel?’
‘Right,’ Rose says with a small smile. ‘That makes sense.’
‘If that’s cool with you, daddy-o?’ Roxy says. She reaches out for Rose’s hand
and Rose only hesitates slightly before she lets her have it.
‘Course it is. Always got a room at mine.’
‘Right! Well, that’s out of the way! Kan, darling, how are you adjusting?’
The conversation turns pretty naturally from one topic to the next, but you
stay out of it while you think about how to cheer Rose up. You’ve gotten to
know her pretty well and you know that she probably knows she  should  be proud
of her mom for taking her recovery seriously, but you also know that she almost
definitely wanted her to be fighting tooth and nail to get back to her.
Delaying it must feel like a betrayal, even if it’s for good reasons. You’re
drawing a blank when Roxy starts waving her hand in front of your face to get
your attention.
‘Dirk, where are your shades?’ she asks.
‘Broke,’ you say with a shrug. ‘Ordered another pair.’
‘Heaven forbid you wear other shades in the meantime,’ she says.
‘Dave’s old ones’d be too small for my face, thought of that already.’
‘I think she meant that you could grab a pair from a store,’ Dave says with a
smirk.
‘What? No, my shades are my shades, I ain’t gonna wear other shit.’
‘Wait, does that mean Dave’s old ones were exactly the same as yours?’ Karkat
asks, making triangle shapes with his fingers.
‘Yeah,’ you say, not seeing a problem with that. You were actually a bit bummed
when he swapped his matching pair for the aviator style he wears now, but also
kinda proud that he was establishing his own style. Of course, turns out that
he didn’t find them himself, he got them as a present, but that’s still cool.
Especially because they were supposed to be a joke gift and he’s wearing them
ironically. You can appreciate that.
‘I got pictures of me when I was two wearing tiny shades,’ Dave says.
‘Yeah,’ you say, still not seeing a problem. ‘That was hella cute.’
‘Need to see them,’ Karkat says desperately.
You smirk at him.
‘I’ll even make you copies if you want.’
‘Dirky, where’s your head been this visit?’ Roxy asks.
‘Want to get your advice on some shit,’ you say, because that’s close enough.
You glance around to make sure that none of the humans in the room are
interested in what you’re talking about. ‘Went to see my boy Caliborn again.’
‘You want sex tips?’ Roxy says with a wicked smirk.
‘Rox, no. It’s me. No, just found out that he’s, uh, higher up in the
organisation than I thought. Kinda thought he was an idiot nobody, turns out
he’s the big boss.’
Roxy becomes serious.
‘What does that mean?’ she asks.
‘Means he’s responsible for Luke. Claimed he was responsible for Jake too.’
Roxy leans back in her chair and does a slow sweep of the room, her eyes
lingering on the occupants.
‘You gonna kill him?’ she whispers, leaning close.
‘Nah, he’s got The Felt and The Midnight Crew answering to him, plus who knows
how many well-meaning adventuring kids. Not sure I could. Not sure I  should .’
‘Right. But if you don’t …’
‘Yeah, well his threats carry a bit more weight now. Not that I wasn’t takin’
them serious as it was. I just thought I could handle it if he tried.’
‘You got responsibilities, Dirk.’
‘Yeah, don’t I know it. Seems I pick up a new kid every month. I say we adopt
Gamzee next. Him or Nepeta.’
‘John’ll be offended,’ Dave says.
‘Dirk, focus,’ Roxy snaps. ‘If you ain’t gonna …’ she leans in again, ‘ kill
him, you gotta neutralise him somehow.’
‘Yeah,’ you say.
It’s quiet for a bit.
‘I thought you were gonna use your magic sex powers,’ Dave says.
Rose’s eyebrows go up so fast you worry for the muscles in her face.
‘Yeah, well, that was the plan, show him that I’m more fun alive than dead,’
you say. ‘But it’s still a risk and it’d make me feel … I dunno, a bit cheap?’
‘You make smuppet porn,’ Dave says flatly. ‘How can this be cheaper than that?’
‘What porn?’ Kanaya asks.
‘You make porn?’ Karkat says.
Rose and Dave share a look and then both look away as casually as they can.
You’re actually kind of impressed that they have been able to keep that quiet.
‘Smuppets are smutty puppets of my own design. I sell them and make videos with
them to boost sales. You’ve probably seen them around the apartment, they just
spread, I dunno how.’
‘Because you never keep them to your room!’ Dave hisses.
You shrug.
‘With the noses?’ Karkat asks warily.
You nod.
‘Site’s plush rump dot com if they tickle your fancy,’ you say.
‘I would break up with you,’ Dave says, entirely seriously. ‘If you got into
puppets, that would just be it, no return from that, I’m sorry, that’s my
limit.’
‘Doesn’t support his old man at all,’ you say mournfully.
‘Putting aside the rather large divide between my father and brother’s sexual
preferences,’ Rose says coolly, ‘perhaps we should return to the matter at
hand? You wanted my mother’s advice.’
‘Thank you, Rosie,’ Roxy says. ‘You liked Caliborn before, right?’
You nod.
‘Hon, you’ve put off this revenge so long. Do you really still feel the need to
go through with it?’
You lean back in your chair and stare at the ceiling to think that over. You’ve
been wanting revenge for Luke’s murder for longer than you haven’t, for more
times over than you even knew Luke. You kinda let that go when you forgave
Jake, as much as you always told yourself that forgiving him meant nothing
because you still were going to go after whoever was in charge. You wouldn’t
have been able to be with him at all if you hadn’t worked past those feelings
of hurt and betrayal. And, as special as Jake himself was, you processed his
death decades ago now. It still hurts, you still miss him, still feel a pang
when you smell the sea or someone reminds you of him, but … Is there a need to
get all angry and murderey? You’re a bit too chill for all that, really. You’re
a cool dude. Not much gets you riled up. Yeah, all that can stay in the past,
you think.
‘I’m chill,’ you say.
‘I forgot how annoying that is,’ Roxy says fondly. ‘Sorry, Karkat, continue.’
‘Oh, I was basically done,’ Karkat says awkwardly.
‘You sure? Okay. So, Dirk, you’re chill?’
‘Yup,’ you say.
‘That all you got to say on the matter?’
‘Yeah, thanks Rox, you always know what to say.’
Roxy rolls her eyes.
You listen as Roxy does her level best to be an embarrassing mom to Dave,
asking them how they got together, asking Karkat if Dave’s a good kisser,
pulling condoms (why does she even have them in rehab?) and pressing them into
both of their hands. She asks Karkat what his plans for college are and then
asks Dave if he’s gonna follow his boyfriend like a little sap.
Dave mutters, ‘ oh thank fucking god ,’ under his breath when a nurse comes
around and tells your group that you should head home so Roxy can get some
sleep.
Roxy presses a kiss to Rose’s forehead before disentangling herself from their
cute mother-daughter cuddle. You hadn’t noticed they had gotten that close.
Should you be giving Rose more hugs? Should you be giving  Dave  more hugs?
Roxy hugs and kisses everyone multiple times before you get out of there. You
pinch her butt for good measure and grin at her when she squeaks.
You pile into a taxi together, the four kids squished illegally into the
backseat and make your way home, listening to them all talk over one another.
Karkat is apparently staying the night again.
 
You watch the boys go into Dave’s room and grab Rose’s arm.
‘Should I be worried? Should I be saying something? What do I do?’
‘Dave still blushes when Karkat holds his hand, I think you’re fine,’ she says
wryly.
‘Okay,’ you say. ‘I’m gonna … fuck it, I’m gonna go for a fly for completely
unrelated reasons, you wanna come, Kanaya?’
‘I think I will stay in, thank you,’ she says.
You nod and fold yourself into a bat before you can think too deeply about any
of that. Who would ever want to have teenagers? This is your punishment for
being way too transparent about sex with your kid.
You only just make it back before sunrise.
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