Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/440122.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      My_Chemical_Romance
  Relationship:
      Frank_Iero/Gerard_Way, Frank_Iero/Original_Male_Character(s), Gerard_Way/
      Original_Male_Character(s)
  Character:
      Frank_Iero, Mikey_Way, Alicia_Simmons, Gerard_Way, Frank's_Parent's,
      Mikey_and_Gerard's_parents, Minor_Characters
  Additional Tags:
      my_chemical_romance_-_Freeform, Frerard, Past_Rape/Non-con, Diary/
      Journal, Drug_Use, Drug_Addiction, Loss_of_Virginity, Fictional_Band
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-06-21 Updated: 2018-03-19 Chapters: 68/? Words: 87687
****** Hello? Journal? It's me, Frank. ******
by MizErie
Summary
     [http://i.imgur.com/w3msBHQ.jpg]
     This story is played out via the journal entries Frank writes. You
     learn about his life, his parents, his different relationships, and
     ultimately about Frank himself. Watch our beloved Frank grow up
     through his journal entries. Watch him become a man and eventually
     start a serious relationship.
(Oh my god, this is the worse summary ever. Seriously, just read this. Frank
talks to his journal like it's a person sometimes. And eventually there's
plenty of Frerard awesomeness. And Frerard not-so-awesomeness. And Mikey and
Alicia and family good times and of course, heartbreak at times. It wouldn't be
one of mine if someone wasn't hurt, now would it?)
Notes
     Okay, so this is a new story I'm trying to get off the ground. I'm
     hoping everyone will enjoy it, as it's not a conventional story
     telling format. Please bear with me as I try to make this work! I
     hope you will continue reading past the first few chapters and fall
     in love with my new fic!Frankie!
     THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading, and feedback is truly appreciated!!
     Hugs and Loves!!
     Miz
     Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with My Chemical Romance or the
     guys that make up the band. No part of this is true; it is purely a
     fictional story. Any part of this story that resembles real life is
     only coincidental. No parts of this story may be reproduced or used
     without permission.
     (PS- The chapters/journal entries start off fairly short, but they
     will get longer! Happy reading!)
***** August 21, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,

I came out to my parents today. Well, I didn’t actually come out of my own
doing. Mom caught me kissing Christian outside of the school. But I missed him
over summer break, so I had to kiss him! Seriously, what the fuck was she doing
there so early anyway? It really didn’t go over all that smoothly.

At first she really didn’t say anything when I got into the car. After driving
a few miles, she says, “Please tell me I didn’t see that, Frank.” At this
point, I didn’t know what she had seen, so I was happy to oblige her request.
If I had no clue what she was talking about, then I couldn’t tell her it was
true, now could I? After a few moments of silence, she rages, “Why were you…
you kissing another boy?” She made it sound so vile and demeaning. “Who is that
boy, anyway?” God, Journal, if she even tried to show any interest in my life,
she would know who "that boy" is!

I just pulled my knees up to my chest in the seat and tried to sink through it.
No such luck, of course. By the time we pulled into the drive, I was more than
ready to lock myself in my room like I always do.

Apparently Mom had other plans. She followed me to my room and demanded that I
answer her questions. Just to get her out of my room, I mumbled he was my
boyfriend. I should have known that if “kissing” was disgusting, then the word
“boyfriend” coming out of my mouth was profanity. But it did the trick. Mom
looked at me in disbelief for all of five seconds before she stormed out of my
bedroom. But not before she took my cell phone.

If her goal was to keep me from talking to Christian, she’s really not all that
smart. I still have my computer. I can email with Christian all night.

I wonder if I can just skip dinner tonight. Dad just called me down for it. I
know this conversation isn’t over yet.

I’ll be back, Journal.

Well I’m back. Dinner was awkward, to say the least. It wasn’t as bad as I
thought it would be. No one yelled or anything. We pretty much just ate in
tense silence. Up until I got up to put my plate in the sink. That’s when Dad
stated I wasn’t allowed to see Christian anymore. Well, he called him “that
boy” like Mom did.

But they can’t stop me. We have class together. We go to the same school. I
just have to be more careful about it now.

I’m going to bed now. Goodnight, Journal.
***** September 30, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,

My life SUCKS! Mom snooped on my computer today while I was at school.
Apparently she is more computer savvy than I gave her credit for. She didn’t
say anything when she picked me up from school. I didn’t know something was
going on until I got into my room to find a big gaping hole on my desk where my
computer used to be.

I stormed downstairs to demand my computer back. I quickly stopped dead in my
tracks when I saw Dad sitting at the kitchen table with Mom. He shouldn’t have
been home from work for another two and a half hours. I knew then something was
wrong.

As soon as Dad looked me in the eye, I could see his rage burning red in his
eyes. But it was too late to sulk back up to my room. He had already seen me.
Stuttering, I asked where my computer was. All I got in reply was Dad breathing
really loudly. Finally Mom spoke up and told me that since I couldn’t be
trusted to stay away from “that boy” as I had been instructed to do, then I was
going to be treated as such.

Why can’t I date who I want to? I don’t like girls! Is that really so wrong,
Journal? They’re so soft and delicate. And they have BOOBS! I don’t know what
to do with boobs! I like the way Christian feels in my arms. I like that we
have the same equipment, even though I have yet to put it to use.

I’m pretty much under house arrest now. The word restriction is just too loose
a term to describe my situation. I’m only allowed out to go to school. At least
I still get to see Christian at school. Mom said they had talked to all my
teachers and made it clear they were to keep us separated at school. But my
teachers can’t watch me every second of the day. I’ll still get to be around
him between classes and during lunch.

They can’t stop me, Journal. They WON’T stop me. I’m gay! That’s all there is
to it! Only one more year in this house. Only one more year until they can’t
try to control me anymore. God, that’s one year too long, though.

Journal, you think I could get emancipated? Yeah, me neither.
***** October 16, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,
Fuck my teachers! Fuck my parents! Just FUCK MY LIFE!
One of my dumbass teachers called my parents and told them I was still hanging
out with Christian at school. Fifteen minutes before school let out for the day
today, I was called to the office. When I walked in, Mom was sitting on the
bench in the lobby. It was then that I was told I am being transferred to a new
school, away from “that boy”. On MONDAY!! They took all my school books and
made me clean out my locker before school was dismissed. Then Mom drug me out
of the school by my arm, like I was some child!
I’m sick of her calling Christian “that boy”! He has a name! He treats me well!
He’s understood all of my parents’ bullshit and dealt with it as best as I can
imagine he could!
But wait… it gets worse. When we got home, there were moving vans in the
driveway. Not only are they taking me out of my school and making me go to a
new one, a fucking prep school at that, but they are uprooting the whole family
just to move to someplace else?! I’ve never even heard of Belle-fucking-ville!
Where in the hell is that even in? Is it still in New Jersey at least?
Now I have to leave all of my friends behind, and I’m not even allowed to tell
them goodbye! Especially Christian!
They couldn’t have at least waited until after my birthday to ruin my life?! My
birthday is less than two weeks away! Now I have to spend my birthday alone, in
a new town, in a new school, with no friends! And I’m too old to go trick-or-
treating Mom says. So, please, Journal, tell me what in the fuck I’m supposed
to do for my birthday this year! Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought: Nothing!
I HATE MY PARENTS! Why can’t they be accepting of their gay son like
Christian’s parents are? FML!
***** October 31, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,
So it’s my birthday today. Mom and Dad tried to make it special. Too bad I’m
still pissed at them. I miss Christian! I haven’t been able to talk to him
since the move. My parents are still all over me about him; I doubt I’ll ever
get to talk to him again! But moving on… Mom baked me a cake, and they bought
me some presents. A few of them I actually wanted. Like Green Day’s “Nimrod”
album and a new guitar. But my stupid parents don’t seem to understand that I
need an amp to play the guitar. Thanks so much for half a gift! It means so
much! NOT!
My new school sucks monkey balls! I have to wear this ridiculous uniform. I
can’t stand it! It’s all dressy with a tie and dress shoes. Everyone looks the
same. It’s a sea of navy fucking blue. And on Wednesdays, we have to wear a
matching blazer with the school crest on it. Where did my parents dig this
place up from? And why in the fuck did they choose here?
At least I can eat my lunch outside. Something… let’s call it interesting…
happened yesterday. Some guy came and sat down with me at lunch yesterday like
he knew me. I think he said his name was Mikey. Anyway, he had noticed my pins
on my backpack and mentioned that he was into punk rock, too. Just because I
didn’t want to be completely alone on my birthday, I indulged the guy in
conversation. About halfway through the conversation, he started pulling at his
tie. He growled, “God! I hate these damn uniforms!” I couldn’t help but giggle.
After talking about music for a while, some girl came up and sat down in his
lap. Alicia, I think. Anyway, Mikey asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told him
no, so he asked if he could hook me up with someone. I figured he didn’t know
me from Adam and probably wouldn’t ever talk to me again anyway, so I told him
I was gay. I expected him to get up and run away. I mean, this is a pretty up-
tight school. To my surprise, Alicia poked Mikey’s shoulder and said he should
introduce me to his brother, who apparently is also gay. Because it’s a rule
that all of us gay people must like each other or something, obviously.
Anyway, Mikey told me his brother is “a hermit” that’s going to art school in
New York somewhere. Apparently Mikey has been trying to start a conversation
with me for a while because he seems to think me and his brother, whose name I
didn’t catch, would get along “famously.” Exactly how long has this Mikey guy
been following me that he knows enough about me to think I’d get along with his
gay brother in college? Scary.
Mikey doesn’t sound too bad, though. He offered for me to come over to his
place tonight to hang out for Halloween, especially when he found it’s my
birthday. My parents are happy I made a new friend that has a girlfriend, so
they said I could go. He should be here soon, so I better go get ready.
Bye, Journal.
***** November 21, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mikey and his girlfriend Alicia. My
parents seem to like him. They keep making stupid remarks about how wonderful
and straight he is. Well, they don’t really put it that way, but that’s what I
hear.  Mom is forever making comments to both of them when they’re over about
what a “cute couple” they are and how they are going to give their parents
“some beautiful grandchildren someday” while giving me looks. If I was thinking
about kids right now, Dad would knock some sense into me with his hand across
my face! So why is Mom rambling on about Mikey and Alicia’s possibly-never-
going-to-happen kids? They just need to accept that I’m gay and give up their
hopes and dreams of grandkids! UGH! It’s never gonna happen!
Mikey’s family seems nice enough. They’re better than mine, anyway. Mrs. Way,
Mikey’s mom, feeds me every time I come over. Apparently Mikey has as many
friends as I do at that hellhole of a school: one, if you don’t count Alicia. I
don’t know if Mikey has told them I’m gay or not, but Mr. Way seems to be very
proud of his openly gay son. I mean, is it just my family that’s a bunch of
homophobes?
Mikey and his brother, whose named I learned is Gerard, have always been really
close, and Mikey misses him so much that he talks about the guy nonstop. I
swear every other word out of his mouth is either Alicia or Gerard. While
Alicia is nice and all, I don’t think she’s all that; after all, she is a girl,
and yeah, I don’t do girls (haha, in more ways than one). But I’m sort of
interested in meeting this Gerard. And, no, Journal, it’s not just because he’s
gay too.
Besides, from what Mikey has been saying, Gerard’s not really looking for a new
relationship right now. He just broke up with his boyfriend, Ray or Bob or
something short like that. Apparently, Gerard and his boyfriend were rather
serious. Somehow or another Gerard found out he was being cheated on, though.
OUCH! That sucks! Anyway, so no, Journal, I only want to meet him because Mikey
thinks so highly of him. And never shuts up about him.
Since we’ve moved out here to fucking nowhere Belleville, my grandparents can’t
come for Thanksgiving next week. Or at least that’s the excuse my parent gave
me. I’m really not all that upset about it. The Ways found out we weren’t doing
anything for Thanksgiving and invited me to come over to their house to
celebrate with them. Mrs. Way personally called Mom to ask her if it’d be okay,
and Mom agreed. At least I don’t have to spend it around here alone all day.
Plus, Mikey said his brother might be able to come home for it too. That means
I’ll finally get to meet the elusive Way brother. I mean, with as much as Mikey
talks about the guy, I feel like I already know him.
I’ll let you know how things go at Thanksgiving. Talk to you again soon,
Journal.
***** November 27, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,

I spent the night at the Way’s house last night. I’m just now getting to write
down how it all went. Let me just tell you the whole story…

At first it was just me, Mikey, Alicia, and his parents. As Mrs. Way started
getting dinner close to being done, some of Mikey’s other family showed up, but
no Gerard. I was almost disappointed, but I knew I’d eventually get to meet
him. I was just enjoying being with such a loving family. It was nice, for a
change.

Halfway though eating, someone came crashing in the door, wrapped up like there
were feet of snow on the ground. He quickly crossed the dining room, ruffling
Mikey’s hair as he went, and kissed Mrs. Way on the check, apologizing for his
lateness to dinner. She was fast to brush off his apology and told him to make
a plate and find a seat around the table. Mikey finally informed me this was
THE Gerard. The hermit, the artist, the someday-would-be-famous Way.

He didn’t seem to be all that great to me so far. He didn’t say much. He kept
his head down. He ate like he was starved to death. And he absolutely reeked of
cigarette smoke.

After dinner, Gerard thanked his mother for a “wonderful home-cooked meal” and
quickly descended down a set of stairs I had yet to notice in the house. He
lives in the basement? Anyway, I helped Mrs. Way clear the table while Mikey
told Alicia goodnight. Then Mikey led me down the same dark stairs Gerard had
gone down previously. It led to a dark, basement room with only one small
window in it. It also reeked of cigarette smoke. The floor was covered in
clothes and comic books. And seriously, Gerard has a HUGE collection of comic
books. I’m jealous!

Anyway, as soon as Gerard realized Mikey was in the room, the two embraced
like, well, two brother that hadn’t seen each other for a while. Mikey then
introduced me to him. Finally getting my first good look at the guy, he still
didn’t seem all that impressive. He sort of looked me up and down out of the
corners of his eyes and went back to whatever it was he was doing before we
came in. Well, and he kept up a conversation with Mikey that I completely
didn’t understand, like they were talking in code.

While they were talking, I picked up a comic book off the floor to entertain
myself with, but Gerard quickly jerked it away from me, grunting something
about not touching his stuff. Whatever! Sorry!

Mikey finally excused himself with something about being right back, and then
he just left me there with his brother. The brother that didn’t seem to like me
too much. Just about as soon as Mikey left, I decided it was time to go find
him. As I stood up to leave, Gerard turned around and looked dead at me,
freezing my feet to the floor.

“Are you Mikey’s new gay friend?” I nodded, but only because I really couldn’t
speak. He asked like I had some sort of disease. I mean, isn’t he gay too?
Anyway, he pretty much dared me to try to “turn Mikey” and told me to keep my
hands off his “lil bro.” He mumbled something else about Mikey and Alicia, but
I didn’t understand what he said. Isn’t it hard to be a homosexual homophobe?!
I mean, DAMN! And I have NO intentions of making a move on Mikey. He’s first my
friend, and secondly not my type!

Needless to say, I didn’t spend much more time with Gerard last night. I really
didn’t see the appeal. Mikey was happy to be with me the rest of the night in
his own room, which I was grateful for. He said Gerard would be home for the
rest of the weekend, so he had plenty of time to catch up with him.

But now I have a problem, Journal. How do I tell Mikey that I think his
“perfect” brother is a jerk? I think I’ll just keep my only friend for now and
keep my mouth shut. I mean, it’s not like the jerk is really around all that
often.

Bye for now, Journal.
***** December 14, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,

Today starts the last week before “Winter Break.” C’mon, let’s call it what it
really is; it’s CHRISTMAS break! Anyway, things are going okay, I guess. I’ve
pretty much spent all my time hanging out with Mikey and Alicia lately. I tend
to spend more time at Mikey’s house than I do my own. Thank God he only lives a
block down the street. About the only time I spend at my own house is when
Alicia is teaching me guitar. Oh, did I forget to mention that my parent
FINALLY bought me an amp? Well, they did. Anyway, Alicia will bring over her
equipment and teach me different things.

Yeah, yeah, Journal. I hear you. Apparently not ALL girls are bad. But that
still doesn’t mean I want any sort of relationship with one. Alicia’s just the
exception to the rule, that’s all. And she can certainly rock a guitar! Plus,
when I’m in my room alone, I now have something to do. I can practice all the
things she has taught me so far. It helps take my mind of Christian.

Oh, God! Christian… I miss him so much, Journal! And I miss all my old friends,
too. I mean, Mikey is a good replacement best friend, but as of now, that’s all
he really is, a replacement. I had been friends with all my old friends since
early elementary school. We had grown up together.

I told Mikey about Christian last week. I was having an exceptionally sucky
day, and all I could think about was how I knew Christian could make it all
better with just one smile. Mikey asked why I didn’t just call him. I finally
told him the whole story, Journal. From Mom catching me kissing him, to having
to move here over it, to how both of my parents now invade my privacy to make
sure I’m not contacting him in any way.

Mikey listened to all my ranting, and when I was done, he simply said, “Whoa,
that really sucks, dude. Here call him from my phone.” He said it like it was
just any other phone call and then handed over his phone. He said his parents
never look to see who he’s calling and plus, they don’t know I’m not supposed
to be talking to this guy anyway, so I’d never get caught.

Well, what else could a gay guy do that was just given his life back? I hugged
the HELL outta Mikey before grabbing his phone and quickly punching in those
familiar numbers. It only rang twice before a voice answered the phone. At
first, I thought it was Christian, but it turned out to be his older brother. I
asked if I could speak to him, but his brother told me he was out with his
boyfriend somewhere. He asked if he could take a message for Christian, but I
just hung up the phone.

What the FUCK, Journal? He just replaced me? He moved on without trying to find
out what happened to me? Does being forced by your dumbass parents to move to a
new city imply that you’ve broken up? I didn’t think so! I haven’t even
entertained the idea of finding a new boyfriend. I thought I still had one,
although I’m not able to talk to him right now. But still… I thought he loved
me! He always told me we’d be together forever, no matter what.

Apparently that was just one big lie that I was stupid enough to fall for.
After all, who finds their soul mate in high school? Well, I thought I had. Do
you still think we have a chance, Journal? I’ll forgive him for needing a warm
body when mine was unavailable.

It was bad enough when I was just missing him. Now that I know he’s not missing
me back hurts even more. What do I do, Journal? Just nevermind! I can’t even
think about it anymore right now!

New subject… Mikey’s brother came home for break this weekend. It seems college
lets out before high school does. I happen to walk in on him watching TV when I
went over there yesterday. At first he hardly acknowledged my presence, just
yelling up the steps…

Shit! My parents are calling me down for dinner. I have a lot to tell you,
Journal. About Gerard. And we both know I can’t sum it up in three sentences,
so I promise to tell you all about it tomorrow!

Bye, Journal!
***** December 15, 1998 *****
Dear Journal,

Okay, hang on a sec. I have to see where I was…

Oh, yeah. So I walked in on Gerard watching TV. He practically ignored I was
there except to call up the stairs to Mikey that “his friend” was here. After
Mikey called back down that he was going to be a minute, I just shoved my hands
in my jeans pockets and stood around awkward like. Let’s face it, Journal,
Gerard and me really didn’t get along all that “famously” like Mikey thought we
would.

After standing there for God knows how long, Gerard finally looked in my
direction over the back of the sofa and said, “You can sit down. I won’t bite
you.” I sort of sat down like it was a command, staring straight at the TV. I
mean, the guy might say he didn’t bite, but that’s not the impression I get off
of him. After watching some guy on the TV chainsaw another guy in half, Gerard
lit up a cigarette and turned slightly in my direction again. What was I
supposed to do, Journal? Well, I didn’t know, so I just kept watching whatever
horror movie this guy was watching. I really had no desire to be threatened
again.

Gerard finally took a long draw off his cigarette, and said, “Look, I wasn’t
myself the first time we met. I was having a hard time with some personal shit,
and I was stressed about exams coming up.” I finally mustered up the courage to
look at him, and all he did was push his long hair back over his head, take
another draw off his cancer stick, and look back at the TV.

What was that, Journal? Was it supposed to be an apology from the homosexual
homophobe? Okay, maybe I shouldn’t call him that. After all, I doubt Mikey
would think so highly of him if there wasn’t something good about the guy. I
just can’t for the life of me see it, though.

What is with this guy? And he had a boyfriend? No wonder the other guy cheated
on him. Gerard’s not the nicest or most social guy in or around New Jersey. I
could just feel my skin crawling off my body trying to get away from that
awkward feeling I got sitting next to him.

FINALLY Mikey made his appearance, telling his brother to not be trying to
steal his only friend. Gerard scoffed, but he didn’t reply back. I don’t think
Mikey has any worries about Gerard stealing me away. The guy gives me the
creeps!

Afterwards while me and Mikey were walking over to Alicia’s house to get her, I
asked Mikey what was Gerard’s deal. Mikey asked me what I was talking about, so
I tried to tell him without using the words jerk, creepy, or rude. It was kind
of hard to do, since those are the three best adjectives, in my opinion, to
describe the guy.

Mikey just shrugged his shoulders then told me Gerard has been going through a
lot of his own shit lately. He also said that Gerard’s never been all that
social. Mikey made a joke about how he was “damaged” from living in that dark
basement for so long but no one could ever talk him out of living down there.
Mikey assured me Gerard will eventually come around.

I hope so! I really don’t want to be creeped out by my new best friend’s
brother every time I go over there.

When we got to Alicia’s house, who I’m guessing was Alicia’s mom told us we
could go to Alicia’s room, warning that the door had better stay open though.
I’ve never been to Alicia’s house before, and I wasn’t too thrilled about the
idea of being in a pink room for too long. I mean, I’m gay, but I’m not that
gay! I was pleasantly surprised. The walls of her room were covered in posters
for all kinds of punk rock bands, guitar ads, and the likes. But then, after
thinking about it for a while, Alicia really doesn’t have that whole “pink
ballerina” thing going on, so I shouldn’t have expected her to have a girly
bedroom. She might just be okay, for a girl, after all.

Well, that’s about it for now, Journal. I’m guess I’m gonna go see of Mikey
wants to hang out for a bit. Bye!
***** December 26, 1998 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,

You’ll never believe what my parents got me for Christmas. A CAR! Okay, so it’s
like 10 years old and has a tape deck that doesn’t work, but it has four wheels
and it runs! Now I don’t have to borrow Mom’s car when I want to go somewhere
anymore! Even better, I can drive MYSELF to school! I figure I might even just
start up a carpool with me, Mikey, and Alicia. We all live within blocks of
each other, so it would be perfect!

I took my new car… I like saying that, my new car… over to Mikey’s this
morning! I mean, I’ll probably just continue walking over to his house for the
time being, but for today, how else was I supposed to show him my Christmas
present? I didn’t say anything at first. I just came on into the house when
Mrs. Way opened the door.

Quick time out… Mrs. Way hugged me today. I mean, like a big motherly hug while
wishing me a belated Merry Christmas. It was really weird. I can’t tell you the
last time Mom hugged me. You know what, Journal? There more I sit here and
think about it, the more I don’t think it was weird after all; it was actually
sort of nice. But I’m still not sure I want her doing it too often.

Anyway, Mikey came running down the steps and practically dragged me up to his
room. Apparently he was excited about showing me his Christmas present, too. If
I hadn’t have gotten a car for Christmas, I’d have been jealous! Mikey got a
new Playstation with like every game ever made for it and a huge TV to play it
on! It takes up most of the extra space he has in his room, but it is SO worth
it! I think we tried out every game he got with it in like two hours.

After every game had been played, we settled on playing Bushido Blade 2, as it
was one of the few games we could play together. But it was SO cool. I totally
killed at that game!

So after playing that for a while, Mikey said his grandma had given him money
for Christmas, and he knew exactly what he was going to buy with it: Tomb
Raider 3. It just came out last month, too! So I told him we should definitely
go get it. Like, today. He said his mom wouldn’t let him borrow the car, and he
didn’t think she would take us to the video game store today. I smirked because
I knew that didn’t matter. I said, “So, we can still go! C’mon, Mikey!” He
looked at me like, “Forget it, Frank!” until I dangled my new car key beside my
head.

His eyes lit up! He was as happy about my car as I was about his new game
system! Mikey said, “No way… you got a car?!” That was all it took. We quickly
told Mr. and Mrs. Way where we were going, and after getting their speech on
safe driving, we were off!

Of course, Mikey wanted to stop and pick up Alicia, and since I am quite fond
of driving my new car around, we did. Then we stopped at the video game store.
After that, we rode around for a little while, until Mikey saw a Starbucks. He
said if we stopped, he’d buy. After all, it was about all the money he had left
after buying that new game! So we did that, too. I mean, how often do we get
Starbucks?

All in all, it was a fan-fucking-tastic Christmas!

And then my parents rained on my little parade. Mom called me in the kitchen
when I got home from Mikey’s tonight. She started out all nice and sweet,
asking what Mikey got for Christmas. She listened while I quickly told her
about Mikey’s new TV and video games. She goes, “Oh, that’s nice. Listen, we
have to talk about this car situation. If you’re going to drive it, you have to
be able to pay the insurance and put gas in it. How do you plan on doing that?”

I KNEW IT! Even my Christmas gift was a part of some stupid little plan of
theirs. I just shrugged, but I knew what she wanted me to say. I just didn’t
want it to be said out loud. True to Mom, though, she said it for me. “I think
it’s time you find a job, Frank.”

That’s right, Journal, a JOB! Mom told me I have two months to find one.

I don’t know. Maybe it won’t be that bad, you know? I’d have my own money, and
I could buy stuff I want. It’d give me another reason to not be at home. And I
can get Mikey to get a job with me!

Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll talk to Mikey about it tomorrow! I’m sure he’d
get a job working with me somewhere. The question is though, where?

UGH! I’m going to bed, Journal. Night.
Chapter End Notes
     I'm updating two chapters today, so I can get this caught up to where
     my other forums are at. I hope everyone reads both.
     Hugs and Loves!
     Miz
***** January 1, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     I added two chapters today. Please make sure you read chapter 9,
     dated December 26, 1998, before you read this chapter! Thanks!
Dear Journal,

Happy New Year! You know what my New Year’s resolution is? To move out of my
parents’ house! I’m not mad about my parents forcing me to get a job anymore.
I’m going to need one if I’m going to keep my resolution. I know I can’t move
out for another 10 months, but I’m sticking to it! In 8 months, I’ll start
looking for a place of my own. In 9 months, I’m going to start packing. And on
my birthday, I’m going to move out finally. Yes! The countdown is on!

Mikey invited me to spend New Year’s Eve at his house. Dad wasn’t happy about
it, but Mom said I could go anyway. After throwing a few things in my backpack,
I was out of there.

Mr. Way answered the door and told me that Mikey had just left to walk Alicia
back home but to make myself at home. I walked into the living room and plopped
down on the sofa to wait. I guess I had been sitting there for like ten minutes
or something before I realized Gerard was in the room, too. He was drawn up in
a corner chair, intently doing something with a pad and pencil as best I could
tell. I watched him out of the corner of my eye for a few minutes before my
curiosity couldn’t take anymore.

Now, Mikey has told me that his brother is one hell of an artist. And if Creepy
Dude was doing what I thought he was doing, I just had to see his art. I went
to the bathroom just to have a reason to get up off the sofa. On the way to the
bathroom, I really couldn’t see anything. As I past him, he didn’t even look
up. In all secrecy, he really didn’t look all that creepy or intimidating
sitting there drawing like that. But don’t tell anyone I said that! So I walked
really slowly on my way back so I could get a good look at whatever it was he
was drawing.

Oh, my God, Journal. Mikey’s brother can DRAW! He was drawing this angel with a
halo around her head playing a guitar, and it was all done in black and red.
And behind the angel was this red and white shining light or something. It was
amazing! Apparently I liked it a little too much, as I unknowingly stopped
walking all together just to watch him draw.

All of a sudden, he said, “I’m not an animal in a cage to be ogled at.” It
scared the living shit out of me! I wasn’t expecting him to say anything, so I
jumped and nearly tripped over my own feet trying to get back to the sofa. When
I finally got the nerve to sneak a glance at him again, he had this half smirk
on his face, and he was watching me over the top edge of his sketch book. Our
eyes met for like one second before he turned the book around and asked me if I
liked it. I nodded my head. He turned the book back around and started working
on his drawing again.

He didn’t wait long before he spoke again, asking me my name. When I didn’t
answer right away… and don’t judge me, Journal, because the guy really does
creep me out a little… he said, “I know you can talk. I’ve heard you do it with
Mikes.” Then he laid the sketch pad down on his lap, leaning his forearms
across it so he could lean his whole body forward, and then whispered, “So
what’s your name?” Surely Mikey had told him my name, but I finally was able to
get my name out, to which he quickly replied, “Okay, Frank. You wanna see more
of my drawings? I’ve got books and books of stuff in my room.”

Uh-huh. His room. With him, the creepy guy? Without Mikey? So let’s talk about
this for a minute, Journal. At this point, I am scared shitless. Of what, I
have no idea. But the whole idea of going down those dark stairs into that dark
room with the homosexual homophobe to look at his drawings without Mikey just
sounds like the beginning of a horror movie to me. And then he scares me even
more by adding, “I’m not going to hurt you… or rape you,” and then something
about it being just pictures. I really didn’t hear the last part because I got
stuck on the first part.

Okay, Journal. We both know all my little secrets, and one of them is that I’m
still a virgin. So the whole idea that he could take my virginity forcefully
and the fact that he would even bring it up didn’t help me ANY! But something
about the way his face looked, the way he held his lips in a slight grin and
his eyes wide and inviting, I found myself shaking my head yes.

On the way to his room and while he was digging through a mountain of shit on
his desk, he suddenly wouldn’t shut up. It was all just chit-chatty stuff and
most of it was about Mikey, since that’s the only common ground we share, but
it was still just… I don’t know what it was, honestly, Journal. Creepy’s not
the right word, nor is weird or scary. It was just different. And I noticed
that he talked out of the right side of his mouth. I’m not sure why I even
noticed it, or even more, why I told you that.

Anyway, he finally found whatever it was he had been digging for on his desk.
He quickly turned back around and actually stated, “Mikey says you like
comics,” and then just stood there waiting for an answer. After an awkward
moment, I finally realized he was waiting for a reply, so I said yes. He
literally bounced across his bed, stood back up beside me, and started laying
out drawings all over his bed. He finally got them all lined up just right, and
then he looked at me with this pleased look on his face.

I started looking at them, and the detail was so fantastic that I kept leaning
over closer and closer to them. I started to touch one at one point, but the
whole deal with the comic book the first time I met the guy flashed in my
memory, and I quickly pulled my hand back. Mikey’s brother leaned over beside
me, put his hand on my shoulder, and whispered, “You won’t mess them up. You
can touch them.”

Right then, Journal, Mikey walks in and says “What’cha doing?” I jumped away
from Gerard like I had been burned or something, and Mikey gave me a confused
look. Then he looked at the bed and turned his attention to his brother.
Apparently these were drawings Gerard had made as a pitch to a comic book
company that he had yet to send in. Anyway, the next minute, me and Mikey are
going back up to Mikey’s room to play more games. Which we did for the rest of
the night until people started shooting fireworks.

Now I’m just confused, Journal. Mikey’s brother didn’t like me, which I know
because he practically threatened me the first time we met. Then the second
time we met, he tried to apologize or something. I’m still not sure what that
was. Anyway, then yesterday, he invites me down to his room, alone, to show me
his drawings. Is he finally “warming up” to me like Mikey said he would? I
mean, the guy still seems kind of odd to me. But now I’m not sure what to think
about him.

What do you think, Journal? Yeah, I agree. For the time being, I think I’m just
going to keep my distance from him. After all, he goes back to art school in a
few days.
***** January 23, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Guess what! I had an interview for a job today. And guess where it was… Barnes
and Noble. That’s awesome, right? I love books! So anyway, I was pretty
nervous. All I had to wear that was nice was my school uniform. But since it’s
just dress pants, a button up shirt, and a tie, Mom said they wouldn’t know it
was my uniform. So I wore that. What else was I supposed to wear? An Iron
Maiden t-shirt and ripped jeans? I can’t get any job wearing that!

Anyway, so I asked the lady behind the counter for “Dennis.” That was who I was
told to ask for. After forever, this really old, really nerdy guy with a bald
head walks up and asks me if I’m Frank. Seriously, the guy was wearing a pocket
protector! So I nodded my head and stuttered out a yeah. Nice, Frank! Great way
to start an interview. Well, as we started walking to some unknown-to-me place,
Dennis asks me if it was my first job. I tried to be a bit more self-sure with
answering this time, but it still came out pretty weak. Dennis laughed at
something, which I think was me, and told me not to worry and that there was no
reason to be nervous.

He led me to this little office in the very back of the store. He flipped
through a couple of folders before pulling out a familiar piece of paper, the
application I had turned in last week. He looked at it for a minute or two
before he looked back at me and asked me if I was wearing my school uniform. I
blurted out it was all I had nice to wear. He said he went there, too, and told
me it was a nice school. As if! But I just nodded my head instead.

He asked me what kind of things I was into, what music I listened to, what kind
of books I liked to read, and what my favorite subject was in school. I had to
lie about that last one. Lunch isn’t exactly a subject. He just looked at me
and said “uh-huh” every now and then.

Then Dennis told me that I would start out putting the books on the shelves. I
had to be good at putting things in alphabetical order. How hard can that be,
Journal? He said I would spend most of my time standing up and walking around.
Still, not bad I guess. Then Dennis said I would have to help customers find
the books they were looking for. What?! I have to talk to people?!

But then I thought about wanting to move out of my parents’ house, and I was
okay with that too. I’d talk to anyone on the planet, okay except Gerard maybe,
to be able to move out of my parents’ house! Dennis asked me if I was okay with
doing all of that, and I told him I was. Then he asked me if there were any
days I couldn’t work. I pretended to give it some thought and then told him no.
He said, “Well, Frank, I just have one more question. What are you doing
Monday?” I said going to school. He laughed, again I think at me, and said
afterschool. I told him nothing but hanging out with my friend. He made a
really lame joke then. “Well, you might better cancel on him because you have
work on Monday. Be here at five o’clock.”

Lame joke or not, it was just what I wanted to hear! I GOT THE JOB, JOURNAL!

So as I was walking back to my car, I saw Mikey heading into the same store. I
yelled at him and ran his way. He looked me up and down while I did the same
thing. He was wearing dress clothes too, but not his school uniform like I was.
He asked me why I was wearing my school clothes on a weekend. I told him I had
just had an interview here and that I got the job. He said, “No way. I’ve got
an interview in like five minutes!”

This is just way too cool, Journal!

I told Mikey I would wait for him to get done. We walked on into the store
together. He headed over the same woman behind the counter that I had talked
to, and I headed for the comic book section. I swear I flipped through a
hundred comic books before Mikey came around the corner looking for me. Like
always, you can’t tell anything by the look on Mikey’s face. The first thing he
said was, “Old dude can’t say your last name right.” Um, okay. So I asked him
why they were talking about me. He said Dennis had asked him if he knew me and
if we got along. Mikey said, “I told him we went together like peas and
carrots.” Gah, Mikey is such a nerd sometimes!

Well, I couldn’t wait anymore. I finally asked him if he got the job. He just
barely smiled and said he starts Monday at five. Then we jumped up and down
together like the idiots we are before we realized we are supposed to be cool.
We left right after that, of course.

But isn’t that great, Journal? I’ve only had like two interviews. And me and
Mikey are going to be working together. And I’m one step closer to moving out.

I told Mom about it when I got home. She was happy I had found a job so
quickly. I just happened to forget to mention that it was because I had the
motivation of not living at home anymore to encourage me. I also happened to
forget to tell her that Mikey was going to be working there, too. I’m sure
she’ll find out on her own soon enough. Maybe now, Mom will lay off me a
little. I doubt it, though. My parents live to make me miserable.

After dinner, Dad gave me my phone back. He said if I was going to be at work
and out driving around, I had to have a way to call home if I needed to. Then
he told me they would be monitoring my calls. I was only allowed to call Mikey,
Alicia, home, and work. Anyone else, and they would take my phone again. How
convenient is it that when I got upstairs and turned on my phone, those were
the only four numbers in the phone’s memory. I guess my parents still don’t
trust me.

Tomorrow I’m going with Mikey and his mom to buy some new khaki pants for work
since Mom has to work. Well, that’s about all for now. Bye, Journal.
***** February 13, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Well, I’ve been a working man for about three weeks now. It’s really not bad at
all. I like working in the book store. And it helps that Mikey’s there too. It
took us a little while to learn the basic layout of the store, and we’re still
learning the details of all the different sections. Helping the customers isn’t
really all that bad. When they are looking for a specific subject or book, I
have to look up things in the computer to find it, but most of the time people
are just looking for a section of books, like fictions or cookbooks or
something else. I can handle those easy.

Oh, it was funny. About a week into working there, some guy asked Mikey where
the gay section was. I didn’t know what the guy had said to him or what he said
to the guy, but suddenly Mikey was running around the corner towards me with
this look of… I really don’t know, but it was FUNNY! I think Mikey thought the
guy thought he was gay or something. Anyway, the guy is looking between me and
Mikey like he’s confused or something. Mikey says, “Uh, you… you’d probably be
able to answer this better than me. He’s looking for the… the gay section.” I
said, “And I’d be more helpful because?” just to get Mikey more worked up. I
mean, it was really funny, Journal. Mikey’s eyes about fell out of his head,
and he whined something that sounded like “You know, you bein’ you and all.” I
just laughed at Mikey and took the guy to the section, well after I found it
myself. Being gay doesn’t mean I hang out in the “Gay and Lesbian” section at
work!

Anyway, after work while I was driving back to Mikey’s house, I asked him what
that was all about. After all, I know Mikey’s not allergic to gay. Mikey was
all like, “He called me sweetie!” Just to push Mikey’s buttons a little more, I
told him it was a good thing he had let me help the guy out and that after we
made it to the gay books, we looked at some sex books and made out. Of course,
that was all just a joke. All I did was take him there. The guy thanked me, and
I walked off. But Mikey didn’t know that. Mikey shouts, “I KNEW IT!” What he
was supposed to know, who knows, but I couldn’t stop laughing at Mikey then.
Mikey finally caught on that I was joking, and he called me an asshole and
shoved me.

Anyway, after work today, we got back to Mikey’s and went up to play some video
games before I had to head home for dinner. Mikey checked his messages, and he
had one from Gerard. Well, that started that conversation. Apparently Gerard is
upset it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. I can’t blame the guy. I’ve been trying
not to think about it myself. I know Christian has moved on, but I can’t help
but think about what I’d get him and what the card I would have bought him
would of said. I imagine I would have done the same thing I did last year and
pretend to be going to another friend’s house but instead sneak over to
Christian’s. But that’s over now, right, Journal? It’s time I moved on…

Anyway, Mikey was rambling on and on about how he was worried about Gerard
because he thinks Gerard is getting more and more depressed since the whole
thing with Gerard’s ex. He said Gerard is having a hard time moving on. God, I
completely get that! And you know, while I can imagine Mikey’s brother’s
probably not a great boyfriend or anything, I don’t think it was right for his
ex to cheat on him. I mean, I don’t know the whole story, but that’s just
wrong. Anyway, apparently Gerard’s ex is in one of his classes this semester at
college, and it’s driving Mikey’s brother crazy to have to stare at him but not
be able to talk to him.

I feel for the guy, Journal. He might be a bit weird and creepy, but I know how
bad it feels to be stepped on and then pushed aside. I don’t think Mikey or his
brother really has anyone else to talk to about it, so I listened as best I
could and added in something when I felt it necessary. I mean, Mikey does the
same thing for me when I want to talk about my old life.

Tomorrow is going to suck. Not only is it Valentine’s Day and I don’t have a
Valentine of my own, but after work, Mikey is taking Alicia out to dinner. They
offered for me to go along, but that would be just weird, Journal. I’d just be
a third wheel raining on their parade. So I’m going to sit at home and play my
guitar. Hopefully my parents won’t bother me too much. Things between me and
Dad are back to normal, but Mom is still trying to persuade me to like girls. I
wish she’d just give up already!

Alright, Journal, I’m signing off for the night. I’m exhausted!
***** March 18, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     I had a wonderfully observant reader notice I had posted the same
     chapter twice. (You know who you are... Thank you!!) When I reviewed
     the chapters, I realized I had in fact post one chapter twice while
     omitting another chapter all together. I have corrected this now.
Dear Journal,
Sorry it’s been over a month since I last talked to you, Journal. I’ve been
busy with work, hanging out with Mikey and Alicia, and try to get through to
graduation. But I need to tell someone this…
I had a fight with Mikey. It didn’t last but a couple of hours, but it still
happened. I’ll tell you the whole story, start to finish.
At school today, I saw Mikey talking to some other guys between classes. Well,
I had to make a stop at my locker, so I didn’t have a chance to go over there.
So at lunch, I asked him who they were. He said they were some guys he knew
that were trying to start a band. Then he asked if I’d like to meet them. I
said yeah, so we ate quickly. After downing our lunch, Mikey leads me over to
the guys I had seen him talking to before. They were all nice, and we all sat
and talked for a while. They got on to talking about their album they were
working on and how they needed a cover.
This is where I screwed up. God, Journal, I am SUCH an idiot! I actually said,
“You can get Mikey’s creepy brother to draw you something!” Suddenly, everybody
was just staring at me. I hadn’t even realized what I had said. Mikey says,
“Creepy?! You think Gerard is creepy?!” I wanted to die on the spot. I could
have just fell over dead or been struck by lightning or anything just to not
have been standing there anymore. I tried to mumble out that I didn’t mean it
the way it sounded, but Mikey wasn’t listening anymore. Alicia was in front of
Mikey, trying to calm him down by telling him that Gerard can be somewhat weird
sometimes and that Mikey did know that. But it wasn’t helping at all.
The band guys all just stood there looking back and forth between me and Mikey.
I figured they would take Mikey’s side and I didn’t know what else to do, so I
just walked off. I went on to my next class early. Mikey didn’t talk to me for
the rest of the day. And since we now carpool together and we both had to work
tonight, he had to ride with me to work. He STILL didn’t speak to me. I tried
to apologize again, but Mikey just pushed his glasses further up the bridge of
his nose and stared out the window of the car. All I could think was “WHY am I
so stupid? WHY did I call Mikey’s brother ‘creepy’ to Mikey’s face?”
As soon as we got into a parking space at work, Mikey quickly jumped out of the
car and practically ran into the store. I didn’t try to run after him or
anything. I mean, he won’t even listen to my apologies. What else am I supposed
to say to him? So I just walked slowly into work, clocked in, and got started
for the day. Luckily there was a new shipment that came in today, so I had
plenty to do to keep me busy.
Rebecca, who’s another manager at the store, came over at some point and told
me I could go take my break if I wanted to. Well, my knees were getting sore
from leaning on them for so long, so I went on to take my break. I tried to see
where Mikey was working today, but I didn’t see him anywhere. But I eventually
found him. He was sitting in the break room when I walked in. I really wanted
to sit down for a minute and give my knees a chance to chill, so I went to the
other side of the break room to sit down.
I swear Mikey was staring a hole through my head, or at least I could feel it
anyway, so I just put my head down on my arms on the table. After a few
minutes, I heard a chair scrape across the floor. After I was sure Mikey was
gone, I lifted my head back up. There stood Mikey in front of me, his hands
shoved deep into his pants pockets. I kind of mumbled a hi to him. He took one
of his hands out of his pockets and sort of waved to me. Then he pulled out a
chair next to me and sat down. All of a sudden, Mikey started telling me that
Alicia and those band guys had talked to him after I had walked off. He said
they told him that creepy really wasn’t that far off and they could see how I
would call him that.
I again apologized to Mikey and told him I wasn’t trying to be a dick or
anything. It’s just that his brother kind of scares me. Mikey asked me what
Gerard had ever done to scare me. At first I didn’t want to say, but Mikey made
me tell him. So I told Mikey about what happened that first time I met his
brother and what he had said to me about trying to make Mikey gay and keeping
my hands off of him. Mikey said, “He said that to you?!” All I could do was nod
my head because he seemed to be mad again, except this time it was at Gerard.
Then I felt even worse! I wasn’t trying to get Gerard in trouble with Mikey!
Mikey made me tell him! All I wanted was for Mikey to understand why I was
creeped out by his brother. Anyway, Mikey said he was going to chat with his
brother about it and then asked if we were okay. I said I was if he was. He
just smiled at me and lightly punched me on my arm. Then he said we should get
back to work.
At least me and Mikey are friends again. But oh, God! What if Mikey talking to
his brother makes Gerard mad at me? I’m already weirded out by him, and he
seems to have finally given me a chance! Now Mikey’s brother is just going to
hate me again! Thank God he’s at college right now!
***** March 28, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     I had a wonderfully observant reader notice I had posted the same
     chapter twice. (You know who you are... Thank you!!) When I reviewed
     the chapters, I realized I had in fact post one chapter twice while
     omitting another chapter all together. I have corrected this now.
Dear Journal,
I went over to Mikey’s house this morning. We had the day off and had planned
on playing some video games together. I knocked on the door and waited for one
of Mikey’s parents to answer the door like always. But instead of Mr. or Mrs.
Way, Mikey’s brother answered the door. What the hell is HE doing home? He
quickly told me that Mikey was out with their mother, but that he would be back
“in a while.” I said, “Oh.” and turned to head back to my house. Gerard stepped
out of the door and grabbed my arm. He asked me if I would please come in, that
he needed to talk to me about something. I wasn’t sure what he could possibly
want to talk to me about, but I sort of nodded my head and followed him into
the house.
As if he was waiting for me, he just watched me walk into the living room. Once
I sat down on the sofa, he took a seat next to me. For a few minutes, nothing
was said, so I finally asked him what it was he needed to talk to me about. He
put his head down into his hands and said, “Mikey had a talk with me.” Oh. My.
God! I had almost forgot about that! I knew this was it! He was now going to
hate me FOREVER! I started to apologize to him like I had with Mikey a couple
of weeks ago. I was rambling on about how I really didn’t mean it the way it
sounded when Mikey’s brother started to kind of laugh, like not a real laugh
but sort of forced or something. Anyway, he cut me off by putting his hand on
my knee and looking up at me with his head still kind of hung down.
I just sort of sat there looking at him for a minute because I was confused as
hell. Just another adjective to add to the list I have to describe this guy,
confusing. He finally says, “Look, I didn’t take what you said the wrong way.
Really, I asked for it.” Now, I’m speechless. Um, okay. He told me that he had
taken some things out on me the first time we met that weren’t my fault. He
said his ex had been seducing another one of their friends that wasn’t gay. He
went on that he liked Alicia and didn’t want to see her hurt either. So he sort
of had imprinted his life over me, Mikey, and Alicia or something?
Anyway, he apologized for being, as he called it, a prick. I accepted his
apology and told him that I really never had any intentions of making a move on
Mikey, that me and him were just friends. He smiled at me and said “Any friend
of Mikey’s is a friend of mine. Well, if you wanna be.” I told him we could
give it a try. He winked at me and said we can start by annoying Mikey and
playing his video games without him. As we headed up the stairs, I told him if
Mikey yelled at anyone that this was HIS idea.
After we picked a game to play and got settled down on the floor, I finally
asked him why he wasn’t at college right now. He said it was Spring Break for
them. I forgot Spring Break is coming up. I think mine and Mikey’s is next
week! Anyway, he doesn’t have many friends at college so he gets bored just
sitting in his dorm room alone all the time. That’s why he comes home every
chance he gets. Plus, his mom always cooks him something good to eat every time
he shows up since he can’t cook much in his dorm room.
He asked me a little about myself and listened to all my answers, occasionally
asking about something I had just said. Finally he asked abruptly, “So do you
have a boyfriend?” I answered no but that I wasn’t looking for one either. He
told me he had just gotten out of a relationship that had ended badly, like he
hadn’t already mentioned that to me a couple of times. I told him that I knew
all about it because Mikey has pretty much told me the whole story more than
once and that I felt bad for him because his ex shouldn’t have cheated on him.
We played Playstation in silence after that, the only words spoken were one of
us cussing out the screen or something. Until Mikey got home.
He walked into his room carrying a couple of bags and said, “Look, my two
favorite gay guys are playing nice.” Gerard and I both called him names and
then laughed. Since I was closer to the door, Mikey pushed me over in the floor
to sit down. There’s not much room in Mikey’s bedroom as it is, so the three of
us were squished up together. It was fun, though. It’s like the brothers I
never had.
I got awkward after a while, though, Journal. I finally got up and went to the
bathroom. It was weird. I mean, I’ve never thought of Mikey’s brother as
anything more than Mikey’s brother or the jerk. But sitting so close to him in
the floor today, I could feel the warmth of his thigh pressed against mine. And
I noticed that while he still somewhat smelled like an ashtray, I could smell
this musky fragrance blended in with the cigarette smoke smell. I don’t know if
it was aftershave or cologne or what, but it smelled good.
GOD! I must be really fucking lonely if I’m getting turned on by Mikey’s weird
brother. Or maybe I’m just really horny and he’s the only gay guy I know now. I
bet he’s experienced. OH MY GOD! Why did I just write that! And I can’t erase
it; it’s in pen!
Just shoot me now, Journal!
***** April 5, 1999 *****
Chapter Summary
     I had a wonderfully observant reader notice I had posted the same
     chapter twice. (You know who you are... Thank you!!) When I reviewed
     the chapters, I realized I had in fact post one chapter twice while
     omitting another chapter all together. I have corrected this now.
Dear Journal,
I’ve spent the last week pretty much living at Mikey’s house. Well, minus being
at school and work. Alicia hung out a lot, too. Dare I even bring Gerard up?
Yeah, he was right there most of the time. I actually got to spend a little
more time alone with him when Mikey was distracted by Alicia. Most of the time
we were all cramped into Mikey’s room playing video games. Mikey and Alicia
would be on Mikey’s bed, and Gerard and me would be on the floor.
I tried not to get too close to Gerard. As in, I was very aware of his body the
entire time. Every time we would accidental touch, because I was extra careful
not to intentionally touch him at all, I would get that awkward feeling again.
He’s really not as bad as I first thought he was. The more time I spent with
him this past week, the less creepy and more… dare I say fascinating he became.
But I was careful not to show it. I mean, I don’t want him getting any ideas.
At one point, Mikey and Alicia started kissing, and Gerard said, “One of these
days, I’m SO going to pay you two back for all this PDA.” I had to stop myself,
Journal. I ALMOST thought, “With me?” But I’m not attracted to him. I can’t be!
He’s Mikey’s brother! Too bad Mikey thought, AND SAID, my near thought out
loud. I nearly choked on my own spit! I turned wide-eyed to Gerard to see how
he would respond. He just smirked and kept playing the game. Too bad I was
about eight shades of red! Thank God he didn’t even turn to look at me!
But Gerard’s in college. He’s not going to be attracted to some high school
boy, even if said high school boy is a senior. I’m sure there are plenty of
guys at his college he’d rather be with. But it’s not like I want to be with
him or anything. Nah-ah! NO WAY!
Yesterday, the Ways had a mini birthday party for Gerard. Apparently his
birthday is this coming Friday. I didn’t mean to crash his party; I didn’t even
know about it. But Mrs. Way said I was always invited, especially as I was
close friends with both of her boys. I’m not sure I’m all that close to Gerard
just yet, but whatever. I’ll just pretend the Ways are my adopted family.
Anyways, they had bought Gerard a cake and had tons of gifts for him. I’d never
seen Gerard blush before until Mrs. Way insisted he blow out candles on his
cake. Gerard tried to argue that he was too old for candles, but Mrs. Way still
put the candles on the cake and lit them. It was funny to watch Gerard blowing
them out. After we all had cake, Gerard opened his presents of course. All he
got were comic books, pads of art paper, and tons of things like paint and
pencils. I have never seen anyone so excited about getting paper and pencils
for their birthday! I’m telling you, Journal, the guy is WEIRD!
After the little party, Gerard started collecting all of his things together.
He had to leave to get back to his dorm room before his classes started back
today. He hugged everyone and told them how much he was going to miss them and
how much he loved them. I just stood around in the background waiting for Mikey
to go back to his room with me or to walk over to Alicia’s house together to
get her. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by that musky, cigarette smoke
smell. Gerard was fucking HUGGING me! He told me he “enjoyed” getting to know
me this past week and to take care of Mikey while he was gone. I wasn’t sure
whether to just stand there or hug him back or what! I finally settled on
patting his back. Well, what would you have done, Journal?
Once he was gone, Mikey pulled me back up to his room. As soon as we were back
in there, Mikey gets this goofy look on his face and says, “Gerard hugged you.”
I told him I kind of already knew that as I was, in fact, the hug-ee. Mikey
then says, “He likes you.” It took every ounce of my will power to not ask him
“Like me or like-like me?” Instead I just brushed off his comment like it
didn’t affect me and said, “Whatever. Let’s play some games.”
But I spent the rest of the day thinking about I was holding the same
controller that had previously been held by Gerard. My hands were holding the
exact same plastic his hands had been holding. I swear I could feel the warmth
of his hands still on it. It was almost like we were holding hands.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, JOURNAL? He just left yesterday and I already can’t wait
for summer for him to come back home! No, Journal! No, you’re wrong! I’m not
falling for Mikey’s weird brother! I CAN’T BE! He’s Mikey’s BROTHER! He turns
22 on Friday! I’m only 17! He’d never be with someone so much younger than him.
Right?
Tell me I’m right, Journal. Tell me he’s not interested in me. Tell me I need
to find a guy my own age. Just tell my ANYTHING to make me stop thinking about
him! Gah, you’re no help, Journal. You know that?!
If my parents find out, not only will they kill me, but I’ll lose another best
friend! This isn’t happening! It’s really not!
***** April 17, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,
I have good news! I got a packet in the mail today. I know, that’s fantastic!!
I’m kidding! No, really… I got accepted to Rutgers! And I got that scholarship
to pay for it! Isn’t that great? Mom and Dad were thrilled, too, of course. Now
I just have to get Mikey to move his ass and apply to some colleges. I swear he
puts everything off until it’s almost too late. And at this point, it’s too
late. He’s going to have to go to a community college for his freshman year.
We talked about getting an apartment or some other sort of rental together.
Since he’s already 18, he said he can start looking and applying for some as
soon as we know what we’re doing after we graduate. I could live with Mikey.
That would actually be pretty awesome! Well, as long as Mikey and Alicia keep
it contained to Mikey’s room.
I have practically moved in with the Ways now. I HATE being at home with my
parents. All they ever do is irritate me about everything! And now Mom is going
on and on about how much time I spend at the Ways and how little time I spend
at home. Does she really think bitching at me is going to make me want to stay
home more? She even threatened to kick me out of the house! For what I have no
idea. I guess because I’m spending too much time at Mikey’s. She said, “Maybe
the Ways will let you live with them.” She oughta just be glad I made a new
friend in this shitty assed town she forced me to move to!
Moving on, because I don’t want to talk about Mom or Dad anymore… My check next
week should be huge! I’m thinking about buying Gerard a late birthday present.
I thought about a comic book, but I have no idea which ones he DOESN’T have. So
then I thought about getting him a rare comic book. I looked at Comic
Explosion. They only had one rare comic I could afford. It was the very first
“The Goon” from Dark Horse, but I don’t know if he would like that one. Plus,
it’s $80. Maybe I could ask Mikey to help me pick one out.
But then Mikey is just going to pick on me MORE about Gerard. Yeah, Journal,
he’s been picking on me the last couple of weeks about him. He even went seven-
year-old and started chanting “Gerard and Frankie sitting in tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-
g…” It was EMBARRASSING!! How am I supposed to keep it to myself that I have a
VERY SMALL crush on him if I keep blushing every time Mikey starts that shit?
I suppose that is something I should tell you, Journal. I have decided to admit
I do have a little crush on Gerard. At least to myself. But it’s miniature. No,
microscopic! It’s a VERY, VERY small crush. By the time Gerard comes back home
for summer, I’ll be over it! THAT’S how small it is!!
Anyway, every chance Mikey gets he says something to me about Gerard. And Mikey
has taken to telling me personal stuff about Gerard at random. His favorite
foods, his favorite comics, his favorite movies, his favorite anything. At work
the day before, Mikey even brought a book over to me and asked me if I had read
it. When I told him no, Mikey said, “You should read it. It’s Gerard’s favorite
book.” I mean, just what the Hell, Journal?
When I was about to leave Mikey’s house today, I asked Mikey why he seemed to
be pushing me towards Gerard. All he said was “Gerard likes you.” I told him he
had already told me that once, then asked what in the hell that was supposed to
mean. “It means that Gerard likes you,” is all he said. Wow, Mikey. Thanks for
clearing that up. I think Mikey knows something he’s not telling me.
***** May 12, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,
Well, there’s only three weeks left until graduation. I’m actually going to
graduate too. I was worried my grades would slip since I started working, but
they haven’t. I’ve got my cap and gown, and Mom bought me a new suit to wear
for graduation. What’s the point in wearing a new suit if it’s just going to be
covered up by my gown? That makes no sense to me. But I have to at least give
Mom credit that she let me buy the suit I wanted. It’s a black pinstripe suit
with a zip-up breast pocket on the jacket. Under the jacket, I got a pale pink
button-up shirt with a silk, crayon-red tie. It’s awesome!
So life is pretty much the same lately. My parents are an evil, life-sucking
force in my life. I spend more time at Mikey’s than at home. I go to work, and
I go to school. I know, great life, right? About the only thing that has
changed is that I’m getting my guitar lessons at Mikey’s now. Alicia doesn’t
mind. My parent said they were tired of the “racket” we were making in my room.
Why buy me a guitar and then tell me I can’t play it in the house? Whatever!
Okay, I’ve played nice long enough. I have to tell you something, Journal. When
Mikey said it out loud, I tried to play it cool, but honestly I think he saw
right through me. Mikey’s good at that. Anyway, here’s the story…
I was over at Mikey’s house today. When Mom bought me that new suit, she also
bought me some new jeans and band t-shirts, complaining that mine were getting
too ripped up and worn. So I was wearing some of my new clothes at Mikey’s
house. I had to take a piss at one point, and I went to the bathroom and did my
business. As I opened the door, I happen to notice my reflection in this floor
length mirror they have in their upstairs bathroom. Well, like any good gay man
does, I admired myself in my new clothes. I might be small and not all that
good looking, but my new clothes make me look pretty good.
All of a sudden I heard Mikey asking me what I’m doing. After my heart slowed
down from Mikey trying to scare me to death, I told him I was looking at my new
clothes. He asked me why. I told him I don’t like the way I look most of the
time, but my new clothes don’t make me look all that bad. At first, Mikey says,
“Oh my God, I can tell you’re gay.” But then he adds, apparently without
thinking about what he was saying, “Gerard seems to think you look just fine.”
My eyes bugged out of my head! Then I said, “Wait a minute, how do you know?”
It was Mikey’s turn to bug his eyes out then. Apparently he had let slip a
secret he wasn’t supposed to mention, or at least that’s what it looked like to
me. He quickly said, “I don’t” and literally ran back to his room.
I followed him back into his room and shut the door, knowing this was going to
be a private conversation. Mikey was just sitting on his bed awkwardly fumbling
with his video games. I tried to keep my voice steady as I asked him exactly
how he knew that. He said it was just a guess. Yeah, right, a guess that his
older brother thinks I look just fine. So I said that to him. He didn’t say
anything. So I told him I know he knows more than he’s telling me. He asked me
what made me think that. I told him because he keeps acting like he’s trying to
set me up with Gerard. His silence told me I was right. After another minute, I
straight out asked Mikey why he said Gerard thought I looked just fine. He said
a couple of weeks ago when Gerard had called home for his weekly call, Gerard
had asked about me. I said, “Okay. But that doesn’t explain why you would say
he thinks I look just fine, Mikey.” Mikey scrunched his face up like he was in
pain and said as quickly as I’ve ever heard Mikey talk, “He told me he thinks
you’re gorgeous, his word, not mine.” I blinked a few times before I said,
“Come again?” Mikey whined and asked me if I was really going to make him say
it again. I told him yeah I was since he said it so fast the first time I could
barely understand him. He rolled his head around his neck, sighed real loud,
and then looked me right in the eyes. And then he said, slower this time,
“Gerard said, and I quote, ‘Frank is gorgeous.’” Then Mikey rolled his eyes at
me.
I tried to get Mikey to tell me more of the conversation and why exactly his
brother had just said that to him, but he shut up and wouldn’t say anymore. If
I add Gerard calling me “gorgeous” to the fact that Mikey keeps telling me his
brother likes me, does that all equal Gerard having a crush on me too? Do 22
year olds even have crushes?   
Mikey told me a few days ago that Gerard graduates from college on May 27th. On
Memorial Day, which I think is the 31st, him and his parents are going up to
New York to move all of Gerard’s stuff back home. But Gerard is going to come
home with them after his graduation ceremony. That means only… I have to count…
15 more days until I get to see him again! Maybe. Perhaps I shouldn’t go over
there the first day he gets back. I don’t want to seem desperate or anything.
At least all of Mikey’s picking on me makes some sense now. Mikey DID know
something I didn’t know. I’m pretty sure he STILL knows more than I know, but I
know enough now. Well, I do want to know what else Mikey knows, but you know
what I mean, Journal.
I wonder if Mikey is going to tell Gerard he told me what he said…
***** May 27, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,
I am bored stiff. Mikey is off at his brother’s graduation. I thought about
calling Alicia and seeing if she wanted to hang out, but I feel weird about
hanging out with my best friend’s girlfriend alone. I doubt Mikey would care,
as he knows my feelings on the subject of girls, but I don’t think I want to
find out. I would play my guitar, but it’s at Mikey’s now since my parents
stopped letting me play it at home.
So if I wanted to go buy Gerard a graduation present, what should I buy him? I
have no clue. He seems to have every comic book ever written, and I know dick
shit about art stuff. Maybe I can do a search on the internet. I’ll be right
back… Well that was no help either! Great.
I guess it’s back to staring at the walls of my bedroom some more.
I wonder what Mikey is doing. You suppose he’s on his way back home yet? He
should be considering it’s into the evening hours now. I think he said he was
riding back with Gerard in Gerard’s car. I wonder what kind of car Gerard
drives. In the times I’ve been over there when he was there too, I’ve never
taken notice of the different cars outside. I bet it’s better than my car, even
though I love my car. For that matter, I don’t think I even know what kind of
cars Mikey’s parents drive.
What kind of music do you think Gerard listens to, Journal? You think he likes
punk rock bands like Mikey and me? Surely he doesn’t like jazz or classical
music! That seems like something a gay art student would like. I doubt it,
though. I’ve seen his bedroom, and it definitely doesn’t say that kind of gay.
Why am I going on about what kind of music he listens to?! I am REALLY bored,
Journal! Hang on, Mom’s calling me.
Oh my God, Journal! I gotta go! Mikey and Gerard are here. Like, in my bedroom
waiting for me to get some stuff together. Mom said I could spend the night at
Mikey’s as long as I go to school tomorrow! If Mom knew Gerard was gay, she
wouldn’t have let me and probably would have flipped out about me spending so
much time over at Mikey’s again.
I told Mikey and Gerard I just had to finish up a school assignment right
quick. I can’t even look at Gerard! He looks so HOT in this suit he’s wearing!
You should totally see him right now! OH MY GOD, JOURNAL! GERARD’S IN MY
BEDROOM! WAITING ON ME! Why in the fuck am I still writing?
***** May 28, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     I apologize for the delay in updating this past week. I had an
     unexpected situation arise that takes presidence over fic matters.
     But I'm back now.
Dear Journal,

I spent the night at the Ways’ house last night, but you already knew that.
Well, Mrs. Way has an air mattress she puts down in the floor in Mikey’s room
for me to sleep on. Well, I’ve only spent one other night at Mikey’s before,
and that was before Christmas. So, when Mrs. Way tried to put the air mattress
down in his floor last night, it wouldn’t fit. His TV stand that has his TV,
Playstation, and all his games on it took up too much of the floor.

Mrs. Way took it downstairs and started to move all of the furniture in the
living room around to make room for the mattress there. Gerard was sitting on
the sofa and asked her what she was doing. She told him she was making some
room for me to sleep. Gerard looked between me and his mom a couple of times
before Mrs. Way said, “Well, aren’t you going to help me, Gerard?” Gerard took
one more quick look at me before he says, I kid you not, Journal, “Mom, there’s
more room in my floor. Why don’t you just let him sleep down there? If he wants
to, that is.” Then both of them turned to look at me. I did my best not to
blush and just shook my head yes. Honestly, I didn’t trust myself to speak. At
all.

The next thing I know, Gerard, his mom, and me are all down in his room, and
he’s tossing clothes out of the middle of the floor into a stack next to the
wall and carefully stacking up comic books on the foot of his bed. He makes a
space big enough for the mattress to fit in, and then some, and Mrs. Way puts
the mattress down in the spot on the floor. She puts a sheet on it and adds a
couple of blankets. She calls to Gerard “Good night, sweetheart.” then she
walks towards me, as I still haven’t made it past the bedroom door. Mrs. Way
pats me on my shoulder, tells me to have a good night, and goes up the stairs
leaving me alone with Gerard. In his bedroom. Alone. For the night. The WHOLE
night.

Gerard finally realizes I’m still standing in his doorway. He looks up at me
and asks me if I need something. Uh, you? I didn’t say that, as much as I
wanted to. Apparently I stood there thinking too long. He walked over to me,
put his hand on my arm, and said, “You know two gay guys can sleep in a room
together and it not be anything, right?” I stuttered out a yeah. It was the
best I could do with him touching me. In his room. Alone. I finally made my
feet move and made it to the mattress Mrs. Way had made up for me. I put down
my bag, dug out my pajamas, and asked Gerard where I could change. He pointed
to a door in his room and told me it was a bathroom.

After changing into my pajamas, that I haven’t worn in two years so thank God
they still fit me somewhat, I went back into his room and started getting comfy
on the air mattress. I had hardly got sat down when Gerard asked, “Do you draw,
Frank?” I told him not all that well. So he asked me if I did anything
creative. I told him Alicia was teaching me to play guitar, but I wasn’t as
good as she was at it. Gerard laughed and said, “Not many people outside of
rock bands are as good as Alicia.” I agreed.

There was what I can only call an awkward silence for a few minutes before
Gerard spoke again. This time he simply asked, “Wanna draw?” I just looked at
him for a second. He said, “I have plenty of supplies. Use whatever you like,”
and motioned towards his desk. I told him I really wasn’t good at it. He said I
just needed someone to show me how to do it. I watched him gather up a few
pencils and a sketch pad like I had seen him use before. He walked over to my
mattress and motioned for me to scoot over. At this point I’m more curious than
thinking about Gerard sitting on my bed. He really thinks he can teach me to
draw?

At first he started with a lesson about the pencils. Apparently the ones he had
were charcoal pencils and not graphite ones like we use at school and for
everyday writing. He said I didn’t have to bear as hard with them as I would an
ordinary pencil. Okay, charcoal pencils and graphite pencils. So I’ve got the
first lesson. I asked him if that was a special type of paper too. He sort of
laughed, which was cute, and then said it was a heavier weight or something
like that but it was still just regular paper. I nodded like I knew what he was
talking about. Then he showed me how he holds the pencil so that he can use it
from all kinds of angles. I thought holding a pencil was holding a pencil. He
handed me the same pencil and told me to try. He said eventually I would
develop my own way of holding it, but for now, his way would work.

Now, just wait a minute, Journal. “Eventually.” Does that mean he’s planning on
more of these little art lessons? Not that I’m complaining. I can get used to
being in that dark room and having Gerard teach me about all the art stuff he
knows, which is a lot, I’m sure, considering he just graduated from art school
yesterday.

Anyways, back to my story… He put his hand over the top of mine. I wasn’t
expecting him to do it, so I kind of jerked my hand a little. He quickly balled
up his fingers and told me he just wanted to show me something. Then he added,
“May I?” I bit my lower lip and stared at his clothes covered floor for a
second, trying to quickly decide if I could stand for him to actually be
touching me. He finally said, “It’s just art, Frank, not a life changing
decision.” Oh, if only he knew how wrong he was, Journal! But at that, I
mumbled okay.

He put his hand back over mine and began moving the pencil across the paper.
But for me, the art lesson was over. Gerard was technically holding my hand. I
mean, I enjoyed watching this picture unfold before my eyes, but I wasn’t
actually the one drawing it and I was more focused on the fact Gerard was
TOUCHING me. All too soon, he pulled our hands away from the paper and let go
of my hand. I looked down at the pad halfway across both of our laps. On it was
what looked like the beginnings of a superhero or something. It was amazing! I
looked up at him, and he was looking right back at me with this hint of a
smile. He said, “See what you drew?” I laughed and told him, “I didn’t draw
that, you did.” He ruffled my hair and let his hand rest on the back of my neck
while he said, “You’ll do it by yourself eventually.”

There was that word again, eventually. Yeah, I could DEFINITELY get used to art
lessons from Gerard. Especially if he keeps touching me like that.

After that, he gathered up the few things he had brought over with him and
headed back to his own bed, setting the supplies on his desk. He cut out the
light and snuggled into bed. I listened to the sounds of his mattress as he
tried to get settled in. Then he said, “Good night, Frank.” I returned the
greeting. I lay there for who knows how long just taking in that musky, smoke
smell of his room. In the middle of the silence, there was suddenly these soft
snores coming from Gerard’s direction. I just lay there and listened to them
for a while. Eventually, they lulled me off to my own dream world.

I woke up this morning unsure of where I was. I knew I was at Mikey’s house,
but I knew it wasn’t Mikey’s room. After only a few seconds I realized where I
was and whose bedroom I was in. That suddenly forced me to remember my art
lesson last night and Gerard touching me. Just then, Gerard emerges from the
bathroom in his room, and says “Good morning, Frank… and Frank’s little
friend.” Then he walks out of his bedroom and up the stairs. For a minute I
tried to figure out who my “little friend” was. Oh my God, then I was as
embarrassed as I think I’ve ever been! I was fully hard and making a tent with
the blankets!

I didn’t say much at breakfast, except to beg Mikey to let me come upstairs to
get ready for school. He kept asking me why, and all I could reply was
“Because.” He finally just rolled his eyes and said, “Fine. Whatever. Just
don’t hog the bathroom.” I have never been so happy to be at school and away
from somewhere.

Now what do I do, Journal? How in the hell am I supposed to face Gerard again?
Surely he knows that’s a common thing for guys. It has to happen to him too! Oh
God, I can’t even think about that!!

I am so screwed… There is no way I’m going over there for a while!
***** June 3, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

I’m going to Hell. I guess I’ll start at where I left off a week ago.

On Memorial’s Day, Mikey called and asked me if I would come help move Gerard’s
boxes into the house. I think he really just wanted me to come over since I’d
been avoiding his house. He’d actually been hanging out at mine the last couple
of days. I still hadn’t told him why I was avoiding Gerard or that it was
Gerard I was avoiding. I figured I had to go back over there eventually, so I
told him I would be over shortly.

I got there and literally ran into Gerard coming around the back of the truck.
He grabs both of my arms to keep me from falling on the ground, which I was
grateful for for all of two seconds before I realized WHO was holding me up. I
just brushed him off and asked what and where we were taking the stuff. Gerard
told me to just take a box and stack it with all the rest of the boxes in his
room. Well, unless it had “kitchen” written on the outside. I did as I was
instructed to do. I was surprised when I got down to Gerard’s room. The floor
was clean, and it looked like his desk had even been cleaned off.

After a few more trips, Gerard was heading out of his room as I was heading in.
I thought he had left until I went to head up the stairs. He was waiting for
me. He gently pushed me back in the room and asked me if I was okay. I said
yeah and asked him why. He said he just got the feeling I was back to being
uncomfortable around him. I tried to tell him no, but it came out all weird. He
asked if this was about the “little friend” comment. Well, all I could do was
blush. Here he was bringing it up again.

He just wrapped his arms around me in a big hug. Apparently the Ways like to
hug people, or at least Gerard does. He said, “There’s no need to be
embarrassed. Hell, I wake up with morning wood every damn morning.” I’m pretty
sure I turned an even darker shade of red then as my brain was trying to create
mental images of Gerard with “morning wood” in my head. He let go of me and
took one look at me and said, “Frank, really, I’m sorry!” He went on that if he
knew I would have taken so badly, he wouldn’t have said anything. I finally
shook my head and told him I would be fine and that I’m just not used to being
hugged so often. Which wasn’t exactly a lie, it just wasn’t really what the
problem was right then.

I spent the rest of the day with Mikey and Gerard just hanging out and playing
Playstation. After a while, the awkward wore off, and we were back to like it’s
been being.

Which leads to today… I was at graduation. I was wearing my suit Mom bought me
under my gown. I did the walk across the stage and got my diploma after
listening to a bunch of speeches I had no desire to listen to. Afterwards I met
back up with my parents and took off that damn gown. Not long after, Mikey and
all of his family came up to congratulate me while my parents did the same to
Mikey. All of a sudden before I could stop him in front of my parents, Gerard
hugged me. Then he ran his hands down the lapels of my jacket and told me he
liked my suit and that it looked “good” on me. I knew my parents had seen and
heard this, but it was like a train wreck, I just had to look at them. Mom
looked like she could kill in that moment. Another male was hugging me,
touching me, and complimenting me.

Once we got into the car headed back home, Mom asked me what that was all
about. I lied and told her Gerard was just really friendly. Mom scoffed and
then said, “I know that look in that boy’s eyes, and it was not just friendly.”
No one spoke the rest of the ride home.

After we got home, I went to my room and changed my clothes. Mikey called and
asked me if we could hang out, so I asked my parents. They said if Mikey’s
brother was still there, then no. Once again, I lied to my parents and told
them Gerard didn’t live there so he shouldn’t be there anymore. Mom finally
gave in and told me I could go.

But now she’s suspicious. And if she finds out I’ve been lying to her, I’m
going to be under house arrest again. One thing Mom doesn’t tolerate is lying
to her. I just hope she doesn’t find out! But I know Mom. She won’t stop
digging until she has enough to put me on restriction until I turn 18 or we are
moving again. Either way, it’s going to be Welcome to Hell for me.
***** June 15, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     I apologize that it has been so long since my last update. I had a
     sudden move arise, and all my stuff has been in boxes. But I'm back
     now.
Dear Journal,

There’s no more practically about it. I’m living at the Ways’ house now. Mikey,
Gerard, and me are all looking for a place to rent together. Hopefully Gerard
will have a job before we find one. He’s been looking. So how did I end up
living with the Ways? Mom and Dad kicked me out three days ago.

Mom found out I had been lying to her about Gerard. How I don’t know, but she
did. She confronted me about it and asked if he was my new boyfriend. Honestly,
nothing I would have said would have saved me. I told her the truth, no he
wasn’t. But she just said I was lying again. If I’d have told her yeah, it
would have still ended with me getting kicked out. She screamed that she wasn’t
going to be raising a “little liar.” I told her I wasn’t lying. Well, I
actually sort of yelled it at her. Dad had been sitting at the table silent up
until I raised my voice at Mom. That’s when Dad stood up and told me to get my
shit and get out. Whatever. After I had got all of my stuff in my car and was
making a last walk around the house to make sure I hadn’t forgot anything, Dad
told me I wasn’t their son anymore, that as long as I was gay, they weren’t my
parents anymore. Like they were much of parents to start with. Parenting is
more than just buying a kid stuff. Even I know that!

Gerard felt like shit when he found out I got kicked out of my house over him.
I know because he keeps apologizing about hugging me at my graduation. I’ve
told him every time that it’s not anything to worry about and that I’ve wanted
out of there for a while. Mrs. Way didn’t hesitate when Mikey asked if I could
live there. She asked if Gerard’s floor was still okay. Of course! My ex-
parents at least let me keep my car. I mean, what were they going to do with it
anyway? Both of them have cars.

So here I am, living with the Ways. It’s not bad at all. Mrs. Way had a thing
or two to say to Mr. Way about my parents when she thought I wasn’t listening.
Apparently she thinks what they did was “a bit drastic” and then she added
“What kind of parents would disown their own child, their only child?” Well,
mine obviously.

But let’s talk about something a little better now, shall we, Journal? Gerard
gave me another art lesson last night. Well, it wasn’t so much a lesson. It had
more of a test feel to it. Gerard gave me a sketch book and a pencil, a
charcoal pencil, and told me to draw him something. When I asked what, he said
whatever I felt like drawing and that it could be anything. For the longest
time, I just sat there staring at the paper trying to figure out what I could
draw that wouldn’t look horrible. I finally decided I didn’t care how bad it
came out, I knew what I was drawing. It was the one thing in the room that had
held my attention the longest, Gerard’s hands.

He was stretched out on his bed with his head at the foot of it drawing his own
picture, so I had a great view of his hands and how he held his pencil in that
“artistic” way. At first, I tried to not let him see me looking at him, but his
eyes met mine a couple of times. He didn’t seem to mind me looking at him, so I
gave up trying to be discreet and just started looking at him when I needed to.
The only thing is that I wished I could have captured that way his hands moved,
so graceful like he had been drawing his whole life. Well, I guess he probably
has been, but you know what I mean, Journal.

When I was finally somewhat happy with my drawing, I announced I was done. He
sort of raised an eyebrow and just looked at me for a minute. He sat up on his
bed and patted the spot beside him. Then he said, “Well, let’s see it.” I sat
down beside him and handed over what I had done. After he had been looking at
it for a few minutes, I started feeling self-conscious. What I had drawn barely
even looked like hands, and it certainly didn’t have the level of detail
Gerard’s drawings have. He finally took a deep breath in through his nose and
turned to look at me. All the muscles in my body went tight as I waited for him
to criticize what I had done. Instead he asked, “Why this?” I stuttered back,
“What?” He looked back at my drawing and asked again, “Why this? Why my hands?
Why not a nature scene or a character out of your imagination? Or my face? Why
my hands?”

I couldn’t come up with a lie that was convincing in a second’s worth of
thought, so I told him the truth. Well, part of the truth. His hands are
graceful the way he moves them when he draws. They have something about them
that makes me want to have hands like his. The part I left out was how I wanted
to touch those hands and have them touch me. He flexed one of his hands in
front of my drawing and then looked at my drawing. I don’t know what he was
doing. He looked at me again and told me I did a good job. I half laughed at
him and told him it sucked. He looked back down at my drawing and said he
agreed it wasn’t the best drawing he had seen. Um, didn’t he just tell me I did
good? And now he’s taking it back?

But then he clarified for me. I had picked something that meant something to
me. I had chose to draw something that “evoked emotions” from me. And according
to the philosophy of Gerard, or for all I know it could be art philosophy, all
artists should draw something that has meaning to the artist himself. If what
the artist is drawing or painting or sculpting has no meaning, it will show in
the “final product.”

Then he confused me again. He said, “While my hands might not hold the meaning
for you that I want them to, they still have some meaning. That’s good enough
for now.” I asked him what meaning he wanted his hands to hold for me. He just
smiled at me and told me that was a lesson for another day. What other meaning
are his hands supposed to have? And why wouldn’t he tell me?

We went to bed soon after that. Like I’ve done for the last three nights, I let
the sound of his snoring carry me off to sleep. I love sleeping in Gerard’s
room.
***** July 13, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Sorry it’s been almost a month since I last wrote anything to you. I’ve been
busy with work and trying to help Gerard and Mikey find a place for us to live.
Who knew three bedroom places were so expensive! For the time being, I’m still
staying in Gerard’s floor on the Ways’ air mattress.

Gerard might have found a job. He had an interview with DC comic books a few
days ago. It’s just an “entry level” position, whatever that means, but they
asked him to come back with some of his drawings for a second interview. If
they are going off his drawings as to whether or not they hire him, then he’s
definitely got the job! Gerard draws as good, if not better, than most of the
comic book artists whose comics I read. That’s where he’s at now, the second
interview. And Mikey had to work today, but I was off. So I’m just chilling in
mine and Gerard’s room. Well, technically just Gerard’s room.

Gerard has shown me a few more things about art, but he hasn’t made any mention
of the whole “meaning of his hands” thing. I kind of want to ask him again, but
I doubt I’d get an answer if I asked him. But that’s part of the reason I’m
writing you, Journal. Something happened last night. I don’t know what to think
of it, and I have no one I can ask about it.

Gerard and I were talking about textures in drawings and how to create
different ones. I had been working on some different exercises he had given me
to do. When I was done, I made my way to his bed and sat down to show him. He
looked at it and told me I did pretty good on all except for one of them. He
showed me again how to do it, and then had me try again while I was sitting
there beside him. When I got done, I turned to look at him. He wasn’t even
looking at my work, he was looking at my face, like he had been studying me or
something. I quickly looked away, and I know I blushed because I could feel the
heat radiating off my face.

Then he put a hand on the opposite side of my face, pulled my attention back to
him, and put his lips over mine. At first, neither of us moved our lips. We
just sat there letting our lips touch. Gerard is actually the one that had the
courage to do something more, and he gently pressed his lips harder into mine
and started kissing me. GERARD KISSED ME, JOURNAL! And do you know what I did?
Nothing! I just sat there and let him kiss me! I didn’t even kiss him back! How
STUPID can I get?!

I don’t know if it was that I wasn’t kissing him back or if he just realized
what he was doing or how old I was or what, but he suddenly pulled away and
stuttered out an apology before running into his bathroom. Literally, running!
I felt like such an idiot for not letting him know that I liked it or that I
wanted him to keep doing! Hell, I’d have let him do that ALL NIGHT! He finally
came back out of the bathroom, mumbled something about finishing our lesson
some other time, and went to bed.

I was left sitting in the dark wondering what in the hell just happened! I sat
there for a while trying to figure out what to do. I finally knew what I was
going to do about it. I listened for a second to see if I could hear Gerard
snoring, but he was quiet so I knew he was still awake.

I stood up as quietly as I could from my bed. After sitting in the dark for so
long, my eyes were adjusted to the dark, so I looked to see which way Gerard
was facing. He was laying on his right side, so I went to the side of the bed
he was facing. I sat down beside him. He called my name as if he was
questioning me, but I couldn’t answer or even think about it or I knew I would
stop what I was doing. He kind of rolled over a little to look at me in the
dark and put his hand on my knee. I could feel his hand shaking against my leg
through my pajama pants.

I leaned down and was instantly surrounded by his smell. If I thought his room
smelled good, his bed and pillows smelled amazing! Not allowing any thoughts to
enter my mind and deter me from my coming action, I put my hand on his cheek
and leaned in closer. It was awkward at first, as I pressed my lips to his
because I only caught the side of his mouth in the darkness. He turned his head
a little to correct the positioning, and our lips pressed harder together. This
time I made the first move and started moving my lips. I felt him hum into my
mouth, but I couldn’t hear it over my heart beating in my ears.

After kissing for some amount of time, I have no clue how long as I was sort of
lost in what was happening, I felt Gerard start to get into it more, and his
hand slid up my thigh and over my hip. Suddenly he jerked his hand away from my
ass and his lips away from my lips. I put my hand over his and put his hand
back on my ass. He seemed really nervous and stiff. After just a few seconds,
his touch loosened up and his lips found mine in the dark again. This time,
though, he got a little more daring. His tongue rubbed over my lips a couple of
times before he used it to push my lips apart. I opened my mouth to let him do
his thing, but I didn’t know what to do.

Christian is the only other person I have ever kissed. And we never used our
tongues so all of this was new to me. And really weird! At first all I could
taste was that cigarette smell. But after a little longer, I could taste this
sweet taste, like Gerard had just ate some candy or something else sweet.
Occasionally I would try to repeat what he was doing to me, but for the most
part, I just let Gerard do his thing. I have nothing to compare it to, but
Gerard seemed REALLY good at what he was doing!

I kissed him until my lips hurt. As a matter of fact, they still hurt a little
bit today. Apparently I fell asleep in his bed last night. When I woke up this
morning, Gerard was still asleep beside me with his arm draped over my waist. I
did my best to climb out of the bed without disturbing him, and I went to take
a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, Gerard was almost dressed, pulling
his shirt on over his head. He kind of blushed just a little when he saw me and
told me good morning. I returned the statement, thinking the whole time to
myself that it wasn’t a “good” morning, it was a fucking “GREAT” morning!

But now Gerard seems a bit stand-off-ish towards me. Did I do something wrong?
Is he mad that I fell asleep in his bed? I don’t know what to do! Do I say
something? Do I wait for him to say something?

I REALLY need someone to talk to about all this! Maybe I can talk to Mikey. No
I can’t!! It’s Mikey’s fucking brother! That would be super weird! OH! I know!
I’ll talk to Alicia!

I’m going to call her, Journal. I’ll talk to you later. I promise!
***** July 14, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Gerard got the job! The one at DC Comics! He starts next week! Isn’t that
great, Journal? He said it’s not his dream job, though. All he’ll be doing is
touching up other people’s artwork. But at least it’s a start in the comic
industry. That’s what he wants to do after all. Draw comics. I think he’d be
really good at it too. Maybe this will give him the chance he needs to get into
that.

I talked to Alicia last night. She wasn’t much help other than to listen to me
ramble on and on about it and be a supportive friend. But she doesn’t think I
should wait for Gerard to say something if it’s what I want. She told me that I
should let Gerard know it’s what I want. Even if it’s not so much a serious
relationship, I need to let him know I want to explore that possibility with
him. She told me that from what she knows about Gerard, he can be really
introverted and needs the other person to help him out a little sometimes.
Okay, so maybe she was a little bit helpful.

But the question neither of us could answer is how to let Gerard know this.
Christian made the first moves with me. I never had to start anything. He had
had prior boyfriends, so he knew what to do. I finally decided I was just going
to talk to Gerard. Since I’m so inexperienced, I didn’t think I wanted to try
to make a physical move. Plus, that might make things worse with Gerard.

Gerard practically never leaves his room except to eat. So I knew I would find
him down there when I got off work today. Mikey tried to get me to play some
games with him, but I told him I wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to lay
down for a bit. He seemed a bit down when I said that, so I told him I would
come up later on this evening to play games with him. He nodded his head and
went on up to his room. I headed towards the steps leading to Gerard’s room and
went down them, stopping to take a couple of deep breathes before I went in. I
was nervous as all hell! All of a sudden, I saw Gerard stick his head around
the corner of his door. He said, “I thought I heard someone come down the
steps. What are you just standing right here for?” I swallowed hard and replied
in the calmest voice I could muster that I wanted to talk to him about the
night before. He quickly turned around and walked back into his room. I
followed him on in.

He sat down on his bed. I debated for a minute if I should sit down or not. I
decided I’d rather not be towering above him during this conversation. Well,
towering as much as my short frame would let me. As soon as I sat down, Gerard
started talking really fast about how he shouldn’t have done that and that he
didn’t want to make me feel like I had to do it back and how he was happy to
teach me art stuff without me having to do anything in return for him. I
finally cut him off, asking him if he really thought I felt forced the second
time, the time that I started it. He wouldn’t even look at me. He just kept
rubbing his palms really hard up and down his jeans.
Then he said something I was NOT expecting. “Frank, I don’t know what I’m
doing.” Suddenly I had a million questions about what that meant. But first, I
just wanted him to look at me. I put my hand over his that was still rubbing
his jeans like he was trying to rub a hole through them and asked him to please
look at me. I visibly saw him swallow before he did. Then I was even more
puzzled. He looked as scared as I felt! So I asked, “Do I look mad or hurt or
any other emotion that would make you think I didn’t want what happened the
other night?” He looked at me carefully for a minute before he shook his head
no. I replied, “Okay then. So tell me what you mean by you don’t know what
you’re doing.”
He took a deep breath, let it out as a sigh, and then started talking, much
more calmly this time. Apparently Gerard’s ex, Bob, was like Christian. He had
been the one to approach Gerard and get their relationship started. Gerard said
he had had other boyfriends before Bob, but that he hadn’t been nearly as
serious with any of them as he had been with Bob. I told him I understood that
because I’ve never really had any serious relationships. Gerard asked me about
Christian. He said he was under the impression that that had been pretty
serious. I scoffed and told him that apparently I was the only one serious in
that relationship and that we had never done anything remotely close to what
Gerard and I had done. I went on that I had come to realize that it was nothing
more than a high school fling that didn’t even include sex.
By the time I stopped talking and looked back at Gerard, Gerard had this look
of what I can only call horror written all over his face. I finally asked him
what. He stuttered, “You’ve never frenched anyone before the other night?” I
suddenly saw what he was getting at. I grabbed his hand in mine and told him
that it was okay, that I liked it. That in fact, I really want him to do it
again! Then he went, “Wait, wait, wait. Frank, have you ever even had sex
before? With a guy or a girl?” I kind of laughed at first. I had to answer the
second question first. I told Gerard that I’ve never found girls very
interesting, much less attractive in any way, and that I’ve always known I was
into boys. I paused, and Gerard said that didn’t answer his question. So to
make things just a little more awkward, Gerard asked, “Frank, are you still a…
a virgin?” It was my turn to not be able to look at him. I just nodded my head.
I expected Gerard to get more upset at that, but he calmly took my hand in his
and told me that was okay. Apparently he thought he needed to let me know that
wasn’t a bad thing, but I already knew that. I haven’t had that right person
come along yet. So I told him that. Then I added, “I’m assuming you’re not
one?” That blush crossed Gerard’s cheeks again. He said no, that Bob had been
his third. Just to break the tension, I told him he could teach me more than
art now. Gerard said he liked that idea a lot.
We just sat in silence for a while until Gerard said, “You’re sweet, Frank.
Thank you for coming and talking to me.” Then he kissed my forehead. It took me
a minute to finally ask him if we were like dating or something now. He said
“Something like that.” He pulled me into a hug that I returned this time. I
swear Gerard gives the BEST hugs! He’s just so willing and free about it.
Gerard lit a cigarette and then told me I had better go play games with Mikey
before Mikey has a heart attack. I laughed and headed on towards Mikey’s room.
When I walked in, Mikey asked me if I was feeling better. I told him much
better. We picked out a game and started playing. After an hour or so of us not
really talking about anything but games, Mikey breaks the silence with “If you
hurt my brother, I’ll hurt you.” It was just out of the blue! And how does
Mikey even KNOW? I just found out myself! It’s like Mikey has some psychic
powers or something! I turned to look at Mikey, and he just had this stupid
grin on his face. Then he said, “I told you from the start you two would get
along famously.”
So I guess I have a boyfriend again. And hopefully this relationship will go
better than the last one. I’m going to bed now. And yes, Journal, I’m still on
the air mattress in Gerard’s floor. Don’t think I’m sleeping in his bed on a
regular basis! Yet!
***** July 15, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Something wonderful happened this morning! I got up like I always do. Gerard
was in the bathroom. I knew because I could hear him moving around in there. I
got all stretched out and started heading towards the steps. All of sudden I
hear Gerard call out, “Wait up!” I turned around, and he was hurrying back into
the bedroom from the bathroom. Shirtless! Oh my God! He looked absolutely
amazing! But that’s not what this is about. Anyway, I waited for him to pull a
t-shirt over his head. Then he strolled over to me and laced his fingers
between mine. He was holding my hand! I stood there for a few seconds just
looking at our hands together. Gerard asked if we were going to go get some
breakfast or just stand there holding hands.

I finally managed to blink myself out of my stare and stutter I wasn’t sure if
it was such a good idea, us being seen holding hands. Apparently I had
forgotten where I was and just who was upstairs. Gerard smiled at me and placed
a quick kiss on my lips. Then he said, “They’re not your parents. They’re my
parents, and my parents aren’t severe assholes like yours are. I promise you
it’ll be okay.” I took a deep breath and nodded. We started walking up the
stairs together. The closer to the top we got, the harder my heart banged in my
chest. I had NO CLUE how they, or Mikey, were going to react. I mean, Mikey
pretty much gave me his approval yesterday, but this seemed different somehow.

We got to the top of the steps, and Gerard didn’t let go of my hand. I kind of
trailed behind him with our hands still held together between us. Instead of
going straight to the table and sitting down like always, Gerard stops at the
edge of the kitchen and says, “Morning, Ma!” I have no idea where Mr. Way was
this morning. I know sometimes he has to be at work early. Anyway, Mrs. Way
half looked over at us from her cooking, and then she did a double take. In
that one second of her taking in the scene, I thought my heart was going to
either stop beating all together or explode from my nerves. Then that second
passed, and Mrs. Way smiled the biggest smile and said, “I see someone has a
new love interest.” I don’t know who she was talking about specifically, but I
think it was Gerard. I felt Gerard give my hand a little squeeze, and he
whispered, “Breathe.” I wasn’t even aware I hadn’t been until Gerard said
something.

If that had been my parents—excuse me, my EX-parents—there would have been a
screaming match that ended with me being dead! Or worse! At that moment, Mikey
walked in and said, “Ugh! I see the payback is already starting.” Mikey sat
down at the table, and Gerard and me followed. Mrs. Way started putting down
plates of bacon, toast, and eggs on the table. Mikey started to dig in, then
stopped, looked dead at Gerard, and said, “I thought I told you not to be
stealing my only friend.” Gerard picked up a piece of toast with his free hand,
as his other hand was still holding tightly to mine, and threw it at Mikey,
saying, “You can still be friends with him! He’s not a piece of property to be
had.”

Mrs. Way made her way to the table with some butter and jelly and sat down. She
made herself a plate. We all did the same after her. Then she asked when all of
this had happened. Gerard filled her in, leaving out some of the more graphic
details. I shoved a fork full of eggs in my mouth right as Mrs. Way said, “I
don’t want to hear any fucking noises, so make sure you keep it down down
there.” I kid you not, Journal! And she said it like she would say we were
having nice weather or something. I literally choked on my eggs! Gerard started
slapping my back while Mikey sat across from us watching the whole scene and
LAUGHING at me! I finally managed to clear my throat and get a drink of orange
juice. Mrs. Way was just looking at me. I’m not sure what kind of look it was,
but I think it was concern.

After Gerard made sure I was okay, he explained to Mrs. Way how my ex-parents
were. I thought she already knew, but apparently she only knew half of the
story. Occasionally Mikey would throw something in, considering he was really
the only other person at the table that had had any real contact with my ex-
parents. When both of them were done, Mrs. Way looked at me and said, “Poor
child! Well, don’t you worry. We’re very opened minded people. Love is love, no
matter the gender.” I really wanted to hug her right then for some reason, but
I didn’t. I just smiled and thanked her. I wasn’t sure what else to say.

The rest of breakfast was filled with conversation about what everyone had
planned for the day. When we were all done eating, I helped Mrs. Way clear off
the table and offered to do dishes. She politely declined but told Gerard he
needed to hang on to me, that I was “a keeper.” Then I said, “Thank you for the
breakfast, Mrs. Way.” She stopped working on the dishes, turned to face me, and
said, “If you’re dating one of my sons, you had better call me Donna. And my
husband is Don.”

That’s going to take some getting used to, Journal, calling them Don and Donna.
I’ve been calling them “Mr. and Mrs. Way” for months! Over 8 months to be
exact!

Anyways, me and Mikey had to get ready for work after that. Mikey went up to
his room, and Gerard and me headed back down to his. Gerard got some of his art
supplies, and I gathered up my work clothes and started heading towards the
bathroom. Gerard said, “You can change in here. I won’t look… much.” Okay,
Journal, no one has seen me naked in like… well, since I was a baby, so I
didn’t know what to do. I finally figured I wasn’t exactly going to be naked
though, I would still have my underwear on, so I started to undress. At first
Gerard didn’t pay me much attention. Until I started pulling my pajama pants
off. That’s when I noticed him stealing glances over the edge of his sketch
book. I got my work clothes on, and turned and asked Gerard if he liked the
show. He smirked and said very much.

Then he put his pad down and motioned for me to come over there. So I did. He
pulled me into a hug to kiss me, pulling me down into his lap. As soon as I
fell, I knew exactly what I was feeling. Gerard was hard. I mean, full
attention hard. I gathered all the courage I had and ran my hand down between
his legs. Suddenly his smirk was gone, and he started grasping for my hand.
When he finally managed to get a hold of it, he moved my hand back up to his
chest. I looked at him confused. All he said was, “Not yet, Frank.”

Don’t get me wrong, Journal. I’m not ready to have sex with him either, but I
swear Gerard is afraid of sex stuff with me or something. Is it because I’m a
virgin? Why does he get so weird when things go a little farther than before?
It’s not like I stuck my hand down his pants and actually touched him down
there. I don’t know, maybe I’m just imagining things.

Not counting that one awkward moment though, it was really a great morning!
Well, I’ve spent my whole lunch break writing this, and it’s over now. I have
to get back to work. Talk to you later!
***** July 30, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Gerard got his first paycheck from his new job today. It was only for one week,
though. He gets paid every two weeks instead of every week like Mikey and me.
We all are saving part of our paychecks to get enough for our own place. But
Gerard wanted to go to the mall today. Not to buy anything particular, I think
he just wanted to go out somewhere. I mean, he has been in that basement for
practically two months straight. Even recluses need time outside sometimes!

Anyway, we kind of made it a double date with Mikey and Alicia. We walked
around and looked in the game store, but there weren’t any games we wanted that
Mikey didn’t already have. At one point, we all decided we were hungry, so we
went to the food court. Gerard held my hand the entire time. Even when we were
eating. I don’t know how he eats with one hand, and his left one at that. I’m
using my right hand, and it’s still hard.

But two things happened at the mall. After we were done eating, we started to
head back the way we came. Three guys approached Gerard, and he greeted them
like he knew them. After only asking how they were and listening to their
answers, Gerard tells Mikey, Alicia, and me all of their names, and honestly I
don’t remember even one of them. They are some guys from his college, and he
had a few classes with them. Then he looks at them and introduces Mikey and
Alicia before he says, “…and this is my special friend, Frank.” Okay, so maybe
I’m being a bit… call me whatever you want… What in the fuck is “special
friend”? I call him my boyfriend. Does he not call me the same? I tried not to
let it get to me. I mean, they could clearly see we were together! We were
holding hands! And I tried to give Gerard the benefit of the doubt, that maybe
these guys didn’t know Gerard was gay or something. He might be open about it,
but I doubt Gerard, being the person he is, advertises this to the world.

But still, I wanted him to use that specific word to define me and our
relationship, boyfriend. I know he uses it as I’ve heard him call Bob his
boyfriend. And he’s talked about other “boyfriends.” So why am I the “special
friend”? Like I said, I tried to let it go. I didn’t try to correct him or
anything. And the only reason I’m telling you, Journal, is because I need to
say it somewhere. I need to get it out of my head so I can move on. Besides,
“special friend” was nothing compared to what happened next.

Gerard kept on talking to them for a few minutes. He told them about his new
job at DC Comics. One of the other guys said he had gotten a job at a comic
company I had never heard of as an illustrator. I think Gerard’s job is better.
I mean, he might not be illustrating yet, but he works at one of the top comic
book companies. If he does his thing, he can be drawing major comics one day.
So they finished up their catch-up. I mean, it’s only been a couple months
since they’ve seen each other. They didn’t have much to catch-up on. We went on
our way, and they went on theirs.

After walking another little bit and listening to Gerard tells stories about
the three guys we just met —they seemed like they might have been fun to hang
with, playing jokes and stuff all the time—Mikey suddenly starts pushing us
into this low-end shoe store, the kind of store that sell knock-offs. Gerard
and me both look at him confused. I look to Alicia, and she is staring down the
way and her eyes are huge. I look in the direction Alicia is staring, and my
heart stopped. I mean, I seriously could not breathe anymore. My ex-parents
were walking straight toward us. And they were looking right at me! Gerard is
now the only one not understanding the situation yet. I mean he had only met my
ex-parents the one time, and he wasn’t really paying them much attention then.
I squeeze his hand hard and tried to scream and whisper at the same time, “My
parents!” As casual as always, Gerard says, “So? They disowned you and kicked
you out. What are they going to do, start a scene in a public place?” Then he
let go of my hand, wrapped his arm around me to tuck us as close together as
possible, and kept walking straight ahead.

I just clung to Gerard for dear life. I picked a spot on the wall past where my
ex-parents were and tried to stare a hole in it. It was all I could do so that
I wouldn’t be tempted to look at them. If they disowned me, I didn’t have to
acknowledge their presence, right? But I could still feel them looking at me
and Gerard. And I heard Mom say, “But that’s just disgusting!” to my Dad. But
Gerard was right. That was the worst my ex-parents could do in such a public
setting. They couldn’t have started a scene.

After that, there was no discussion. We all knew it was time to leave the mall.
As we were nearing the exit, Mikey says, “Man, I thought your parents were
going to explode! You totally ruined their day!” Honestly, Journal, I don’t
care if I did or not. I just wanted to throw up. I was seriously sick! Even
after they kicked me out without caring if I had a place to go or not, even
after they disowned me, I am still afraid of being myself in front of them. It
took Gerard making me stand up to them to be able to walk past them in the mall
holding onto Gerard.

I’m disappointed in myself. I wasn’t even holding on to Gerard to make a
statement to my parents or because I really like him or because we are together
now, special friends or boyfriends or whatever in the fuck Gerard want to call
us! I was holding on so tightly to Gerard to keep from falling apart, to keep
from running away from him.

I feel like I let GERARD down! And I don’t even know how to tell him what I
did.

I HATE MY PARENTS! My EX-parents! Why can they not just love me, Journal? Why
do I have to be who they want me to be for them to accept me? But most
importantly, why can I not let them go as easily as they seem to have let me
go?

Now, I’m crying! God, I am such a fucking pansy! And Gerard is acting like he’s
drawing, but I know he’s watching me. I can see the concern written all over
his face. Now he’s coming over here. I’ve got to go, Journal.
***** July 31, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     If you are reading this as I am posting it, please note that I added
     four new chapters today. It is my apology for making you wait a month
     for an update! So make sure you go back to the chapter dated July 14,
     1999 and read from there!
     Again my apologies! And loves to all!!
     Miz
Dear Journal,

I’m snuggled up in Gerard’s bed under Gerard’s sheets remembering Gerard’s
smell. I can’t actually smell anything this morning because my nose is so
stopped up. If it weren’t for that and my eyes being red and puffy from so much
crying last night, I might actually be happy. Since it’s Saturday, Gerard has
the day off. Without asking me, he cut off my alarm and called me in sick to
work today. He’s in the shower right now, so I don’t have a lot of time. I
mean, he doesn’t care if I lay here and write to you, but I do.

So last night, he walked over to my air mattress on the floor. As soon as he
sat down beside me and wrapped his arms around me, I fell completely apart! I
cried and snotted all over him, but he didn’t seem to care. He just kept
holding me and rocking me. At one point, he actually pulled a shirt out of one
of his piles and gave it to me to blow my nose on. When I finally got calmed
down a little bit, I snuggled further into his chest. I had left you open, so I
don’t know if he had been reading what I wrote or not, but he starts stroking
my hair and says, “You don’t hate your parents.” I took a shuddery breath and
mumbled that I wished they were dead. Again, he says, “No you don’t, or you
wouldn’t care so much what they think.” I swear, if anyone else on the planet
had said that to me right then, I would have went off on them. But Gerard’s
voice was so soft and soothing, and his body felt so comforting wrapped around
mine.

He shifted for a second then said we should move to his bed. It was bigger and
much more comfortable. I agreed his bed was better, so we unfolded long enough
to move to Gerard’s bed. As soon I laid down, Gerard was wrapped around me
again. It was quiet for a while. I just listened to the steady beating of his
heart, as it was the only sound I could hear in the whole room. Then Gerard
spoke again. “This isn’t just about your parents, though. You’ve been dealing
with them for a while, and I’ve never seen you break down before. So what else
is this about, Frankie?” At first I didn’t answer, but it was because he had
called me Frankie. That was the first time he had ever called me anything other
than “Frank” or “Mikey’s friend”. But all that did was make me feel worse. I
felt tears fill my eyes again. I wiped them away and told Gerard it was
nothing.

I thought he had bought it. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. But then
he said I could tell him anything and that he couldn’t fix it if he didn’t know
what “it” was. After another few minutes of me refusing to talk, he finally
said, “I know where your journal is, Frankie. You left it on your bed wide
open. If you don’t tell me, I’ll go find out for myself.” I knew he was joking.
I could hear him smiling at me. But still, there are other things in here that
I DON’T want him to know, things I’ve said about HIM before I really knew him,
when I thought he was scary and creepy. Now he’s just plain weird, but in a
good way. Anyway, that was enough to get me to open my mouth. I really didn’t
know where to start, so I just said it. I told him I had let both of us down at
the mall. He shifted so he could look at me and then asked how I let us down.
So I told him.

I told him how I was clinging to him only to keep myself together and to not
run away from him, how I wasn’t holding on to him for any other reason. I told
him that the fistful of his t-shirt I had been holding onto was literally my
anchor. I told him what I had heard Mom say about us. I told him that if he
hadn’t made me keep walking, I would have hid from them like the coward I am.
He kissed my forehead and said, “That’s not true. You‘re not a coward.” All I
had just said, and that was where he chose to start? But I waited to see what
else he was going to say. After what seemed like forever, but was probably only
a few seconds, he said, “You didn’t run away, and you didn’t hide.” Then he put
his head on top of mine and settled in.

I thought about what he said for a while. Does it really not matter why I was
holding on to Gerard to be able to walk past my ex-parents? Does the fact that
I found a way, any way, to hold my ground really make me not a coward? Gerard
interrupted my thoughts with, “I have a confession of my own.” I wasn’t
expecting that! What did he do that needed confessing? He lifted his head off
mine and started talking. The first thing he said was he knew what he was doing
to me in the mall and how bad it was going to hurt me. At that, I slid away
from him a little. But he let me move away and kept on talking. He said he
could feel me squirming under his touch once I knew just who was there, even
before he knew who was there, but once he did know, he knew I needed more
support, emotionally and physically, than just holding his hand would offer, so
he put his arm around me to hold me up and keep me together.

He kept going, saying it wasn’t his parents that put him there, but he had been
in my shoes before. He had been shunned by someone he had cared for deeply for
simply being gay and that he knows how bad it hurts, but he also knew I’d never
be able to move on if I didn’t take a first step in facing my problem. So
that’s what he gave me. He helped me take that first step that he had to take
alone. I asked him who it was, but all he would say was “people that don’t
matter so much anymore.”

He started fixing the blanket around and over me, and I could tell he needed
forgiveness as much as I had needed it just a few minutes ago. So I wiggled
back across the bed and snuggled into his side again. He seemed to relax a
little when I did. We didn’t say anything else. I wanted to ask about the
special friend thing, but at the same time, I felt some sort of peace with
myself for the first time in a long time, and I just wasn’t willing to risk
losing that over something as dumb as a title. He can call me his dumbass if he
wants to.

When I realized I could barely keep my eyes open anymore, I started trying to
wiggle out of the covers. Gerard asked me what I was doing. I told him I was
going to bed before I fell asleep in his bed again. He untangled the blankets
for me, but said, “You can sleep here if you want.” I was still wearing my
jeans, so I at least needed to get up to get my bed clothes on. As I stood up,
it didn’t work out well, and I fell heavily back on the bed. Gerard laughed
slightly. He got up off the bed and got my pajama bottoms, but he couldn’t find
my shirt. He gave them to me, and I took to trying to get my clothes changed
while he grabbed him some clothes and headed for the bathroom. After arguing
with my legs a bit, I finally managed to get my pants on, and I snuggled back
into Gerard’s bed to wait for him.

I remember stirring when he slid back into the bed. I remember him putting his
arm around me and kissing my bare shoulder. I swear I can even remember him
saying that now I was his boyfriend, but that was probably just a dream.
***** August 11, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Things are going pretty well. Mikey and me have been working more hours while
we can get them during the summer. Once school starts back up, we’ll have to
cut down again. I don’t think I told you… Mikey got accepted to Essex. It’s
just a two year school, but they have the best transfer rate around, so
hopefully he’ll be able to transfer after the first year.

I know you want to know how things are going with Gerard. They’re pretty much
the same as before. We spend a lot of time either talking or kissing. We’ve
both been testing each other to see what we can get away with. Short of being
completely naked or having sex, I pretty much let Gerard do what he wants to
me, which is far less than I’d like. And that really goes the other way, too. I
wish he felt more comfortable with me. I still haven’t figured out what that is
about. I haven’t really asked, though, because I don’t think I’m ready to
really move things along much further than they are anyway. I’m wondering if
this is just Gerard or if it has something to do with me.

I’ve only spent two other nights in his bed since that horrible night after the
mall incident. But it’s not something we do regularly. If it happens, we’re
okay with it, but neither of us forces it to happen. I get the feeling Gerard
wants me up there with him more often than not. This last time I slept in his
bed, I was almost asleep when I heard him call me. I grunted out a reply. He
said, “Come sleep with me. I’m cold.” Yeah. It’s hot outside, in the middle of
summer, and he has plenty of blankets in his room. But really, I wanted up
there too. I stumbled into his bed and snuggled up. By the time I fell asleep,
we were both sweaty. So much for his “cold” excuse. But I’m not complaining.

I hate days like today. Gerard’s job is office hours, but mine flip-flops with
the days. So I’ve been here all day, while he’s been at work. I have to be at
work an hour before he gets off. By the time I get home, he’ll already be in
the bed asleep, preparing for tomorrow. Some days he waits up for me, but these
sort of days aren’t all too often so I tell him not to worry about doing that.
But I won’t get to see him again until tomorrow evening.

But it hasn’t been a bad day. I’ve hung out with Mikey and Alicia all day. This
morning, Alicia and I played some guitar. She taught me a new riff. I
completely screwed it up. She laughed at me. Then we all played some video
games for a while. It was nice to spend a day with Mikey for a change. I mean,
just because I’m now in whatever kind of relationship this is I have with
Gerard doesn’t mean I want to stop hanging out with Mikey. After all, Mikey is
my best friend!

Even though Gerard had to work today, Mikey and me had an appointment to go
look at a house on Salter Place. It was advertised as a three bedroom. The rent
is close to what we wanted to pay. The neighborhood’s not bad, considering we
already know it. The house is literally just down the street from Don and
Donna’s place. We talked to the guy renting it out, and he said he didn’t mind
renting to the three of us, even though we have no prior rental history. He
said we all three had jobs, so that counted for something. So me and Mikey went
to check the place out. It was definitely doable. Until we started looking for
the third bedroom. It only has two. I was kind of disappointed.

We haven’t got to tell Gerard yet. I know he was hoping it was going to work
out. Mikey said we can tell Gerard about it tomorrow and start looking again.
There are a few other houses we have been looking at, but they are more
expensive. Hopefully we can find something soon.

Well, Journal, I know this is short, but I have to get ready for work.
Otherwise I’m going to be late. And if I’m late, I make Mikey late. And if
Mikey’s late for work, he’ll bitch at me the rest of the night about making him
late. I think I’m going to make sure Mikey’s NOT late for work so I can have a
good evening.

Bye, Journal.
***** August 13, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Gerard doesn’t care that the house on Salter Place is a two bedroom. He came up
with a plan to make it work. He and I will share a bedroom still. I asked how
he planned on that. I told him I really wanted a real bed for a change and I
wasn’t sure either of the bedrooms was big enough for his queen bed and a twin
for me. Gerard acted like he was thinking about it for a minute, but I could
tell by the look on his face that he knew what he wanted to say as soon as I
had finished my statement. He finally said, “We can share my bed. It’s big
enough for us both.”

My first reaction was “Of course!” But before I could get the words out of my
mouth, my brain had a second thought. “Really? Should I?” I told him I would
think about it. But I plan on doing no thinking. I’m going to test things out
tonight. I’m not going to ask or give warning or anything. I’m just going to
get ready for bed and climb into his. And I’m going to see how far I can push
things with Gerard. I mean, with the rate we’ve been going, I know he will stop
me before actual sex, but I’m just curious how far he’s willing to let things
go if he’s willing to share a bed with me now.

And yes, Journal, I have thought about what happens if I’m wrong. If Gerard
doesn’t stop me, I’ll eventually stop him. But my goal is to have both of us
down to boxers before we stop. That’s a lot further than we’ve been so far. The
most we have done has been kissing, some over the clothes touching with no
contact down there, and sleeping together fully clothed.

Don’t judge me, Journal. I know what I’m doing. I know two grown, gay men in a
relationship sleeping in the same bed is going to lead to more sooner than
either of us think. And some of those steps… okay, MOST of those steps are
steps I’ve never taken before. I kind of feel like if Gerard is willing to
share his bed with me, though, he needs to be, not so much willing to do more,
but comfortable if those things were to happen. And really, I should be too.
I’m not sure if I am willing to go that far yet. I guess we’ll see tonight.

Well, depending on this little experiment of mine and if it goes well, we can
move in this first week of September. Mine and Mikey’s classes don’t start
until the second week of September. And it’s not like we have tons of things to
move. Don and Donna (God, that’s still weird to write!) said we can have all
the furniture in Mikey and Gerard’s rooms. And Donna knows of a lady trying to
get rid of a sofa we can have. Add Mikey’s TV and video games to the living
room, and I’m pretty sure we have the basics we need to get started. We’re
going to have to buy some kitchen stuff, but that’s about it that I can think
of.

I’m really worried about tonight, Journal. I mean, if it goes badly, it’ll be a
good thing that we know that before we commit to renting this house. But what
if badly means bad for mine and Gerard’s relationship? I really haven’t talk to
Gerard about his bedroom hang-ups, so I don’t know what the issue is. Or
issues. But more than that, what happens if things go TOO well? Is Gerard
really that “right person” for me? I mean, I plan on stopping before sex, but
let’s face it, Journal. I’m a horny teenager that has been looking for that
right person for a while. Am I really ready if things get to a point of no
return tonight? As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Just because I intend to stop things doesn’t mean I will have the willpower to
stop things if things are going well. My whole plan will then rely on my
assumption that Gerard’s issue or issues, whatever those might be, will stop
us.

Shit! The more I think about this, the more nervous I get. This can go REALLY
BAD!!

God! What do I DO?
***** August 14, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     *NOTE* I posted three chapters today. So make sure you go start with
     the twenty-seventh chapter dated August 11, 1999. Thanks!
     Hugs and loves!
     Miz
It took some nerve, time, and coaxing myself into it, but I put my plan into
action last night. As soon I climbed into bed in my day clothes, Gerard asks,
“So does this mean you’re taking me up on my offer?” I just said back, “I’m not
sure yet. I still have to change my clothes.” Gerard just kind of hmm’ed in
reply. So I snuggled up facing him and got comfortable. I did my usual “I want
to make out” things, rubbing his side over his shirt and looking at his lips.
He was just watching me. After all, I’m pretty sure he knew what I wanted. This
is not the first time I’ve done this to him.

He finally said, “Are you going to kiss me or just imagine kissing me?” I
smirked and leaned into his lips. It wasn’t long before we added our tongues
into the action. I’m still trying to figure it out, but I think I’m getting
there. Gerard doesn’t complain at least. We kissed for a while before I finally
talked myself into doing more. Then it was only a LITTLE more. I slid my hand
down his side and then ran it back up under his t-shirt over his bare skin. I
felt him tense a little at the skin to skin contact, but he didn’t stop me. He
also didn’t return the action on me.

I got a little more confident, and I slid my hand over to his chest and rubbed
my thumb over his hard nipple. At first, he instinctively broke the kiss and
inhaled sharply. I guess Gerard likes to have his nipples played with. God
knows I like to play with my own sometimes when I’m… you know, doing other
things. But I know they can get sensitive after too long, so I alternated
rubbing his side and playing with his nipple. By now, we’re back to kissing
again. STILL, he wouldn’t touch me skin to skin.

I finally broke the kissing off with a short peck, and I started sitting up and
pulling at my shirt. Gerard suddenly looked really uncomfortable and asked me
what I was doing. I told him I was taking my shirt off, what else did it look
like. He said something to effect of “Frank, I… you… um, that’s…” I didn’t wait
to see what he had to say. I just pulled my shirt off over my head and told him
I wanted to feel his hands on me. I laid back down beside him, but he seemed
stiff. I expected this though, so it didn’t really faze me any. After all, I
was intentionally pushing him.

I finally had to put his hand on my bare side, as all he would do with it was
hover it over my skin like he was afraid to touch me. Oh God, Journal! His hand
was so warm and soft! I didn’t expect Gerard to have such soft hands. He is a
guy after all. But all he would do was leave it where I had put it. I went back
to kissing him, though, just giving him some time. After kissing a little
longer, I felt his hand ever so slowly start gripping at the skin on my side.
Then he slid it down towards my hip, but not as far as I wanted him to. But it
was progress!

I finally whispered to him to take his shirt off too. I saw him pull down on
the hem of his shirt when he asked me why? I told him because I wanted him to.
I could tell he was debating it in his head while he looked at me. I added,
“I’m going to do it for you if you don’t do it yourself. But one way or
another, that shirt is coming off.” How I was going to accomplish that, I have
no idea! And thank God I didn’t have to find out. Gerard slowly pulled off his
shirt. But unlike mine, his wasn’t tossed into the floor; it was placed on the
bed between us. Almost like it was a barrier.

I just took a few minutes to take his body in. He has no muscle definition in
his abs or chest, and quite frankly, he has the slightest bit of pudgy on his
hips, but he looks AMAZING! His skin is so smooth and pale. And he has the
slightest bit of chest hair in the center of his chest, just enough for me to
run between my fingers.

Now up until this point, my heart had been racing and I was nervous as hell.
I’m surprised I hadn’t been sweating all over him and his bed. But seeing him
laying like that, he seemed—God, I’m such a fucking girl!—exposed. I have no
idea where it came from or anything, but it was like instinct kicked in. I
wanted him! I mean, like I have never felt for someone before. I still wasn’t
sure if I wanted to go as far as sex, but I knew I wanted to cum! I knew I
wanted GERARD to make me do it, and I knew I wanted to make Gerard do it!
TONIGHT! Well, last night, you know what I mean, Journal.

With this sudden rush of courage and need, I pushed him over onto his back and
climbed up over him, straddling his hips. Gerard looked like I was about to
kill him, fear and panic written all over his face. I put my palms on the
lowest part of his exposed stomach and ran my hands all the way up his chest,
slowly lowering myself down over him. The closer my chest got to his, the
harder Gerard gripped the sheets below us, refusing to touch me in any way.

I kissed him again, running my tongue over his lips in that way he does mine
that I love so much. And he tried to kiss me back, but I could tell I had
pushed him further than he was comfortable with. His kiss was soft, and it
didn’t have that… that sex whatever it normally has in it. But he wasn’t
stopping me, Journal. He never said stop or no or any of those words. So I kept
going. I sat back up still straddling him. I undid the button and zipper on my
jeans, and then started on his. I only got the button undone before he had his
hand tightly gripping mine, trying to pull my hand away and push it back down
to his zipper at the same time. I actually rather enjoyed watching Gerard fight
his inner demons, whatever they are. I could tell he wanted it too and that he
was fighting whatever it was that was stopping him.

I felt his hips move just slightly, but it gave me an idea. He started to say,
“Frank, we… you… I’m gonna…” so I carefully, as I’ve never done this before,
ground my hips into his. I could feel his hard dick rubbing against me through
our clothes, just as I’m sure he could feel mine. His eyes rolled up in his
head, and he threw his head back, groaning through his teeth in what sounded
like pleasure to me, “Oh my God…” What else could I do? That was the first
positive reaction I had gotten from him since I made him take his shirt off.
So, I ground our hips together again.

Suddenly he rolled us over, how I don’t know, so that he was over me between my
legs. For a minute, he just breathed erratically, looking at me. I could see in
his gaze that he was trying to figure out what to do, where his limit was going
to be. I just watched him think. I didn’t want to make him stop by saying
something dumb. Finally he said, “I can’t have sex with you yet, Frank. I just
can’t. But if I don’t cum, I’m just gonna die.” I tried to take a “THANK GOD!”
breath, but I’m pretty sure I mumbled “Me too.” as I did.

His hands skillfully pulled my jeans and boxers off my body, and then he left
me exposed on the bed. My brain went into overdrive. Suddenly I was nervous
again as I realized I was naked in a room alone with another guy getting naked
about to do something I had never done before! But it wasn’t all just nerves; I
was EXCITED! Gerard just looked me up and down as he pulled his clothes off. I
felt self-conscious under his gaze. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if
we got this far and he backed out? What if I was horrible at whatever act we
were about to commit? Hell, I didn’t even KNOW what act we were about to
commit! Gerard just said no sex, which I was fine with, but what was he
planning on doing?

Then it hit me… Gerard was in charge now. That thought made me feel safe and
sure. This was just like the first time we kissed. Gerard knew what he was
doing. He was experienced. He had been with other guys before. And he would
teach me what to do, just like he had taught me how to kiss him.

From the time he left the bed until he was back on it at my side again was only
seconds though. I felt him hesitate as he put his hand on my knee and started
to slide it up my thigh and over my hip. Then he said, “You’re more perfect
than I imagined you to be.”

Okay, Journal. Last night, my mind was not processing things correctly, as I
had more blood in my dick than I had in my brain. So all that statement did
last night was reassure me he didn’t find me repulsive. But now that I have
some brain function again, WHAT?! That statement implies he has thought about
me before! Thought about me NAKED before! I mean, yeah, I’ve thought about him
like that, but it never occurred to me that Gerard thought about ME that way! I
wonder if he thinks about the same things I do. I wonder if he has ever made
himself cum thinking about me like I have with him.

Anyway, back to the story. His hand continued its journey over my hip and
across my stomach to my opposite side. As he was half leaning over me like
that, he called my name in a more serious tone than I had heard in the last
little while. My eyes met with his, and I could see something that looked like
concern in his face. He asked, “Are you sure you want to do this? You can say
no.” All I could tell him was that I was absolutely certain. Then he said, “If
at any point you want me to stop for any reason, just tell me, Frank. I’ll stop
if you tell me to.” Um, okay. For whatever reason he thought I would stop him
now. PLEASE, for God’s fucking sake, TOUCH ME NOW!!

I pressed the back of my head into his pillows and let my eyes close as I felt
his hand run down my other hip, across my thigh, and down to my balls. I felt
him slide my legs apart and settle himself down between them. Then I felt the
BEST feeling I have EVER felt in my ENTIRE life!! It was warm and wet and soft.
It sent waves of this amazing sensation throughout my whole body. I finally
managed to force my head up so I could look and see what he was doing to me to
make me feel like that! When I looked down, he was looking up at me, his mouth
wrapped around my dick, slowly moving his head up and down. Gerard was giving
me my first blowjob!

No fucking wonder guys are always talking about blowjobs! That was the most
INCREDIBLE feeling I have ever felt! I don’t know what it was he was doing, but
I could feel Gerard change it up every so often and his tongue would hit these
areas that would literally send shivers through me, places on my own body I had
never found before! If it could have, I wanted that moment to never pass, to
just never end. But my body decided for me to end it. I felt my balls draw up
and my orgasm coming, and I knew I couldn’t stop it no matter how badly I
wanted to. So instead of fighting it, I tried to let Gerard know it was coming.
Somehow he figured out what I was trying to tell him without using words and
slid his mouth back down my dick. And then I came, with a loud moan and stars
in my vision and my hand wrapped tightly in Gerard’s hair. It was the BEST
orgasm I had ever experienced!

I felt Gerard carefully untangle my hand from his hair, and then I heard him
spitting, I guess spitting out my cum. He started to climb up off the bed, to
go where I have no clue, but I grabbed his hand and stopped him. I pulled him
over to me and tried to kiss him. He pulled back a little and said, “I still
have you in my mouth. I’m not sure you want yourself in your own mouth.” I gave
it about half a second’s thought before I decided I didn’t care and kissed him
anyway. He gave in quickly and kissed me back.

Yeah, he was right. I really didn’t want to taste what I taste like. It was
kind of bitter and salty. No wonder Gerard didn’t swallow it! But even still,
it was the best kiss I have ever shared with anyone, hands down!

After I recovered enough, I realized I hadn’t done anything for Gerard. That
made me feel like a complete asshole! I slid far enough away from him to look
at him and asked him what I could do for him now. He just said, “I’m good now.”
I told him I hadn’t done anything for him yet. He told me what he had done to
me was enough for him and that he had cum from just that. I still feel like an
ass that I didn’t do something to give him the same pleasure he gave me. Oh,
but I will, Journal! I most definitely will!

We went to bed after that. I stayed in Gerard’s bed cuddled up with him,
obviously. And we were both naked. It was amazing!
***** August 24, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

We signed the lease on the house today. Well, Mikey and Gerard did. When the
guy leasing the house found out I was only 17 still, he said I couldn’t sign
it. But whatever, I’m still going to be living there and helping with the rent.
And I’ll 18 soon enough, just a little over 2 months.

There hasn’t been a repeat of what Gerard and I did. Or I should say, what
Gerard did to me. But it’s not like either of us have tried either. I think
pushing him beyond his comfort zone once is enough for now. And Gerard won’t
seem to start anything sexual with me.

I don’t get that, Journal. What is his problem? I have been over it and over it
in my head, and the only thing I can come up with is my age. Surely he doesn’t
have a problem with that, though. I mean, he holds my hand in public and we
make out all the time. It’s just when things start to become more than just
that. And it’s especially when he wants to take things further. When I start
something, he hesitates but he won’t refuse. But sometimes I can tell he WANTS
to do more to me, but he won’t do it. He will forcefully make himself stop,
normally by just stopping whatever we’re doing all together. And while I can’t
put into words how I know, I know he’s not happy about it and that it takes all
of his willpower to stop.

Quite honestly, it hurts my feeling a little that he doesn’t trust either
himself or me enough to let things play out naturally. I’m pretty sure by now I
have proven to him I’m not in this for sex, and God knows I completely get that
he’s not! He has made that EXCEPTIONALLY clear to me! Maybe our relationship
just isn’t serious enough for him? I don’t know. It’s so hard to crawl into
Gerard’s mind and figure out what he’s thinking! The man’s a fucking enigma
wrapped up in riddles that’s tied off with questions!

Gah, I can’t even think about it anymore. All it does is frustrate me… sexually
frustrates me! I’m positive by now that Gerard is that right person. I’ve never
been so sure of anything in my life!! But I don’t know how to get him to see
that and how much I want him to be my first!

Okay, trying to change topics here… We’re going to start moving into the house
on Monday. Mikey and I took the week off from work. But since Gerard hasn’t
been at his job long, he couldn’t take time off yet. We’ve all been packing
things up already. Even though Gerard keeps unpacking his art stuff. He’ll go
“I can do without it a few days.” But that night, he’ll drag something back out
of the box. Doesn’t he get enough art at work? Well, I guess not since he’s
really not drawing or anything there. And at least that’s the only thing he
keeps unpacking.

He gave me another art lesson the other day. This one was about bodies. He said
I needed to have a good understanding of human anatomy to draw bodies. Which I
don’t. But by the time he was done talking, I understood what he meant. I don’t
want to draw someone in an unnatural position, even if they are more cartoonish
than real life. People only bend certain ways, and that principle applies to
all kinds of drawings. Like, you can draw someone with their legs apart, but if
you don’t get the feet and knees positioned correctly, it’s not going to look
like they’re walking. It’s just going to be some dude standing awkwardly with
his legs apart.

I don’t know how Gerard does it! He makes drawing look so easy, like it’s the
most natural thing in the world! He thinks of what he want to draw, he picks up
a pencil and some paper, and he draws it in just a few minutes with what seems
like no additional thought. It’s like his hands just know how to put the lines
on the paper to create the image in his head. I wish it was that easy for me!

I’ve been spending more time with Mikey lately. It got to the point I felt like
I was almost never spending time with him. I wasn’t doing it intentionally; I
just get so wrapped up in being with Gerard. And Gerard rarely comes out of his
room, even to go up to Mikey’s room with me. Anyway, about a week ago, Alicia
was busy doing something focused around getting ready for school to start back,
so Mikey was alone. And honestly, I just wanted hang out with Mikey for a
while, without Gerard, so I went up to his room. We eventually went to the game
store. Then we went to Starbucks.

The whole time Mikey seemed a little down. I finally asked him if he was okay.
He said he was bummed that he was going to college while Alicia was still in
high school. I guess I can understand that. He and Alicia were always together
between classes or at lunch or something last year. Now they can’t be like that
anymore. It was kind of weird, but listening to Mikey talking, it reminded me
of having to leave Christian behind. It’s the first time in a while I have
thought about him like that, and I was kind of surprised to not have any bad
feelings about it. I wasn’t sad or mad or anything. It just made me think of
how much better I have it now, with Gerard. Gerard is so much better than
Christian ever was! Even if Gerard has his hang-ups, whatever they are. I guess
I should really figure out how to ask him about it.

NO! I’m not thinking about that again! UGH! I’m just going to stop writing
right now, Journal. I’m probably not going to write to you again until after we
get moved. But I’ll let you know how things are going again soon!

Bye, Journal.
***** September 2, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
     I must apologize for not updating! I had a manic swing, and I've been
     completely obsessing and wrapt in a new story I'm writing. Once I
     have it complete (I'm only two or three chapters away), I'll post it
     here for those who want to read it! It's a dark Frerard! It's only
     going to have 8 or 9 chapters, plus a prologue and an epilogue, but
     the chapters are averaging out at 5,000 words a chapter! Yes, you
     read that right, LONG chapters! (The word count is up to 30,000
     already, and it only has six chapters posted!) It's titled "Sing_for
     Me,_Pretty." (Edit: I changed my mind about waiting! If you all want
     to see what has captivated my attention these past couple of weeks,
     click on the story title!)
     In the mean time, here is another chapter of Frank's journal for you!
     I personally love this chapter! It's by far one of my favorites (but
     not my FAVORITE, that one's still to come)!!
Dear Journal,
Well, we are moved into the new house. Most of our stuff is still in boxes, but
we are getting things unpacked steadily. Of course, the first thing Gerard
unpacked was his art stuff. Tuesday was the first night we spent in the new
house. Gerard was tucked up in bed with his knees almost in his chest and a
sketch pad in his lap. He was starting to draw what he called the “concepts” of
a new comic character. He called him “The Séance” and said something about him
communicating with dead superheroes. Gerard has quite the imagination it seems.
I was curled up beside him beginning to read his favorite book, “The Catcher in
the Rye.” While we were packing up his old room, I found three copies of it
stuffed into different spots. I guess Mikey wasn’t kidding when he said this is
Gerard’s favorite book.
After a while, I could tell Gerard was winding down on his drawing. He kept
stopping to look at it. He’d add a detail or two and then look at it for
another few minutes. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage, and asked, “Why
won’t you start anything with me?” He looked thoughtful for a minute and then
replied, “I don’t want to fight with you. And we have nothing to fight about
anyway.” I gave him a look. I told him we both knew that wasn’t what I was
talking about. He played dumb, which I think was more of just stalling the
conversation, asking me exactly what I was referring to then. I should have
known he was going to make this difficult.
I didn’t know exactly how to carefully phrase what I wanted to know so I just
said it. I wanted to know why I was always the one that had to start the sex
stuff. And why he always seemed to hesitate when I took things further than
just kissing. I heard him sigh, and then he told me it was just some things
from his past that he had to work through on his own. I really didn’t like that
answer at all. I thought about what to say. I suddenly remembered what he had
said to me that night after we had seen my ex-parents in the mall, so I said
that to him. “I can’t help you fix the issue, Gerard, if you don’t tell me what
it is.” I saw a hint of a smile on his lips at me using his own words against
him.
He got up out of the bed and put his art stuff on his desk, which we had to put
across the room instead of by the bed like he had had it in his basement room.
He climbed back in bed beside me and snuggled up. I could tell he was about to
say something important, so I put the book down and gave him my full attention.
The first thing he said had my head spinning, “Frank, my first real boyfriend
wasn’t all that nice.” Then he just stopped talking. I could tell he was trying
to gather together the words to say or the courage to say it or something. I
tried to just wait, but he never went on. I finally asked him what that meant
exactly. Gerard got this sad and hurt look on his face. I already figured “not
nice” wasn’t a good thing, but the look on his face told me it was more than
just not good, it was really BAD!
He glanced at me before looking back down at his lap and taking a deep breath.
He told me his first boyfriend, who he never called by name the entire
conversation, treated him like he was a piece of property. As time passed and
their relationship got closer, his first boyfriend became more and more
controlling. He would refuse to even let Gerard go out with his friends some
days. But Gerard said he never thought anything of it. He just assumed his
boyfriend wanted to spend time with him. He said they would have a good night
and Gerard thought things were fine. Gerard hesitated for a minute before
adding, “Well, to me, they were more than fine. They were great!” I could see
Gerard’s eyes dancing around the room, but I don’t think he was seeing our
bedroom. I think he was watching his memories playing out in his mind. He
brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his chin. He said, “He was so much
more experienced than I was. He was always the one to lead things in the
bedroom.” Okay, so that sounds a lot like me and Gerard, except Gerard is the
more experienced one now. I saw Gerard glance down at me out of the corner of
his eye. At the time, I didn’t know what that meant.
Gerard’s voice got really soft and he said, “I’ve never told anyone this,
Frankie. And I don’t want it repeated.” I assured him I wouldn’t tell anyone.
Then he started telling me a story. Gerard and his first ex were in bed one
night. They had been kissing and touching each other over their clothes. Things
progressed and before long, his ex was trying to pull Gerard’s clothes off.
Gerard didn’t like the idea, but he trusted his ex so he let him take his
clothes off. Once Gerard was naked, his ex quickly got undressed as well. At
first, they just touched each other and kissed some more. Gerard decided he
liked the way it felt and that he was okay with it happening and relaxed into
his ex.
Gerard took another deep breath, and I noticed tears in Gerard’s eyes. I kind
of knew where this story was going. And quite frankly, I didn’t want to hear
the rest of it. But I had started this, and I knew I had to hear him out. After
a silent minute, Gerard told me, “The rest of the night happened so fast. It
almost runs together.” He fumbled on the nightstand and got him a cigarette. I
swear if I smoked, I would have asked him for one. He lit the cigarette, took a
long draw off of it, and kept going.
His ex pinned him down on the bed with his body. He kept kissing Gerard, so
Gerard kept kissing him back. Gerard said he didn’t know what was coming next
or he would have said no. Gerard took another drag and said, “I heard him say
it was only going to hurt a minute. I was still trying to figure out what was
going to hurt when I felt the pain. I felt like my ass was on fire.” Gerard
said his ex never gave him the chance to do anything but lay there in the bed
and take it. Then Gerard told me some really gruesome details that I won’t
repeat to you, Journal. They are things I don’t want… no, they are things I
CANNOT repeat! Let’s just say his ex was not a gentle lover.
Gerard put his cigarette up to his lips and inhaled hard, like he was trying to
smoke what was left of it in a single draw, and then put it out in the ashtray.
He exhaled and said when his ex was done, he just rolled off top of Gerard. He
never asked Gerard if he was okay or anything. Gerard said after a few minutes,
he got up and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. He found out he was
bleeding. He said he bled off and on for the next two days.
I finally cut Gerard off. I said as softly as I could, “Gerard, he practically
raped you.” Gerard looked at me with an expression I couldn’t tell what it
meant and said, “I never told him no, Frank. I didn’t fight back or anything. I
just let him do that to me.” Gerard said after a while he got used to the rough
sex. He just thought that was how gay sex was. Then he quit talking.
I really didn’t know what to say. I mean, what DO you say to something like
that, Journal? I just snuggled in to Gerard’s side and thought about the story
he had just told me. And I understood why Gerard was so hesitant to do anything
to me. The roles were reversed now. Gerard is the older one with more
experience, and I am the younger one that is still a virgin. But how could
Gerard EVER think he would do something like that to me?!
After being quiet for a while and letting Gerard recover from telling me his
awful story about his first time, I pulled his face to mine and placed the
sweetest, non-sex kiss I could on his lips. He kissed me back, and I felt him
put his hand on my cheek. I pulled away from the kiss and looked at him for a
moment. I realized in that moment I didn’t know how to fix it even now that he
told me what was broken. So I told him the only thing I could think of.
I told him that I was willing to do all those things with him. Not tonight,
maybe not tomorrow night, but when things were right, when the situation was
right. But most importantly, when he was ready. I was willing to wait for him.
He pecked my lips and told me he just didn’t want me to feel pressured like he
had felt. He said he didn’t want me to feel like I had to do those things with
him just because he wants to do them with me. I told him I never feel pressured
by him, and that I want those things with him too. I told him that I knew he
was not going to be like his ex, that my first time wasn’t going to be like
his.
He looked at me sadly and asked how I knew that. I smiled because I knew I
could answer this one with ease. I said, “Because you’re already so gentle with
me. Because you actually care about how I feel. And because you worry about
making sure I’m okay, no matter if we’re just kissing or if you’re sucking my
dick.” By the changes in Gerard’s expression, I knew I had said the right
things. He pulled me into a hug and just held me for a while. And I let him
hold me. I think he just needed to hold me right then.
He finally let go of me and asked me if I would promise him something. I told
him anything. He looked at me eye to eye and said, “Promise if you are ever
uncomfortable with something we’re doing or if something is causing you a lot
of pain, promise me you’ll tell me, Frankie. Promise me you’ll make me stop.” I
kissed him again and then whispered against his lips, “I promise I’ll never let
you hurt me, Gerard.”
Just like that, it was like a burden had been lifted off of Gerard’s shoulders.
He wrapped his hand around the back of my head while his other hand found its
way under the back of my shirt onto my bare back, and he kissed me like he has
never kissed me before. It was like there was no tomorrow, and he had to show
me how he felt for me in that one kiss!
But I knew it was not going to lead to anything. It had been an emotional night
already. He finally broke the kiss and said, “You are really amazing.” After
that we got undressed—I noticed that Gerard didn’t seem to hesitate either—and
slid back in bed to snuggle up for the night. He held me as close to him as I
think was possible until he fell asleep. Even then, he still kept me pulled
somewhat close.
That was two night ago, Journal. We still haven’t crossed any lines yet, but I
can just feel that Gerard feels more comfortable around me now. I know when the
timing and things are right, Gerard is going to show me how wonderful it is to
have sex… no, call me a girl or whatever you want… but he’ll teach me how
wonderful it is to make love to someone you really care about. Make no mistake,
Journal, I know it’s going to hurt some, but somehow I know that Gerard is
going to make sure there is as little pain as possible for me.
Right now, I’m laying in the bed. Gerard is next to me snoring softly. I
couldn’t help but steal glances at him as I wrote all of this tonight. I wish
I’d have known the bad memories he was fighting because of me. I wouldn’t have
taken such pleasure in watching him fight it off. I’m not going to use that “L”
word just yet, but I know I have never, in all my life, felt for anyone else
what I feel for Gerard. He is by far the greatest thing to happen to me so far
in my 17, almost 18, years.
Good night, Journal.
***** September 7, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Today was the first day I had classes at college. I only had Math and English.
Math was okay. We talked about the supplies we’d need, what calculator to buy.
The professor teaching the class, I don’t remember her name, got finished going
through that, the syllabus, and what was expected of us students. Then she said
she was going to start the first lesson today but there really wasn’t enough
time to get through very much, so she let us go early.

That left me with a little more than an hour before my next class. I found a
payphone on campus and called Gerard at work. He sounded really happy to hear
from me. He asked how things were going for his “college boy”. I told him fine
so far. I told him my Math professor had let us out of class early, so I
figured I would call him. Gerard started to say something, but he got cut off
by someone talking to him. I heard him say something back to them, but it
sounded like he had taken the phone away from his mouth. He came back a minute
later and told me he was really sorry and that he had to go. Then he made a
joke about an “art emergency.” I giggled at his stupid joke and told him I’d
see back home tonight.

Time drug by until it was finally time to go to my English class. I found the
classroom and made my way in. This class started much like the last one did.
Mr. Baker, the guy teaching the class, seemed pretty cool at first. He
introduced himself. He wasn’t young, but he didn’t seem old enough to be
teaching college. Anyway, I was surprised to find out he likes punk rock music.
He told us that while introducing himself. Then he did the same thing the Math
professor did. He went over what we’d need to “survive the class”, as he called
it. He went over the syllabus and what he expected from us over the course of
the semester. I expected him to let us out early too.

He began to pass out some papers. When I got them, it was a list of assignments
due for the class for the semester. I was too busy looking at the actual
assignments to pay any attention to the due dates. He began to go over the
first few assignments. I have a paper due in THREE weeks! It’s the first
fucking day, Journal! I already have a paper due! It’s what he called a cause
and effect paper. We have to write about some sort of problem, listing what
causes it and the effects. Ugh, college classes move way faster than high
school ones do. It takes a week to get your first assignment in high school!

By the time I got home, Mikey was already there. He looked about as good as I
felt, completely shitty. I asked him how his day was going. He said he already
had homework. I tried not to laugh, even though I did a little bit. At least I
didn’t have homework. I told Mikey about my essay due in three weeks. He said
he didn’t have English until tomorrow. I knew that. He had Math and a computer
class today. He moved around the house a little and I realized he was getting
ready to go somewhere. I asked where he was going. He said he was meeting
Alicia at her house. I told him to have fun and headed towards my room.

I tossed my backpack next to Gerard’s desk. He’s going to have to learn to
share it, I think. I looked at the alarm clock. I still had an hour before
Gerard got off from work. So I thought I’d tell you about my day, which leads
me to now. I’m stretched out on our bed. All I can smell is Gerard’s scent. It
smells so good! I know I’ve told you that before, Journal, but God does
Gerard’s scent turn me on! I mean, not so much the cigarette smell but that
musky smell. I’ve figured out it’s his aftershave.

I’ve got today and tomorrow off, since it the first day of my new classes. So
does Mikey. Dennis was nice about it. I really don’t have much to say now, so
I’m just going to go. I think I’m just going to stretch out some more on our
bed and wait for Gerard to get home. I’m ready for dinner, and I’m hoping me
and Gerard can go out somewhere.

Bye, Journal!
***** September 8, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,
My classes today were just like yesterdays, without getting anymore major
assignments. I’m not going to talk about it, though. I have bigger things to
talk about! Gerard got home from work yesterday a little early. Apparently I
had dozed off waiting for him. He woke me up with kisses. I kissed him back, of
course. Still half asleep, I wrapped my arms around him to learn he was
shirtless. That was a nice change! He laid down on the bed beside me, snuggled
up close, and kissed me some more. I couldn’t stop my hands from running up and
down his smooth skin. Without having to force him to or ask him or anything,
Gerard suddenly runs one of his hands up the inside of my shirt and over my
chest. His fingertips brushed over one of my nipples, and I gasped into our
kiss. I felt Gerard smirk, and he did it again.
Well, two can play that game. I ran my hand down his side and into the
waistband of his jeans. I tried to find the inside of his boxers so I could run
my hand over his bare hip, but I found out he wasn’t wearing any. I think the
shock was plain on my face. Gerard pulled back to be able to look at me, a
devious smile on his lips. I finally returned the smile. Without looking away
from me, Gerard shocks me again by undoing his jeans button. I didn’t know
exactly what he wanted to do, but I was definitely all in. I quickly pulled off
my t-shirt and undid the button on my own jeans.
Once I settled back down on the bed, Gerard took my hand and put it on the fly
of his jeans. I wasn’t sure completely, but I thought I knew what he wanted. I
carefully unzipped his jeans. His hard dick pushed its way out as I did. I sort
of hesitated as I’ve never actually touched Gerard down there before. His face
quickly drew up in concern, and he said, “You don’t have to, Frankie.” I looked
him in his eyes, and as soon as I did, I knew I wanted to; I just didn’t really
know what to do once I did. Without breaking eye contact, I wrapped my hand
around his dick. His eyelids fluttered, and his hips moved a little. It dawned
on me that I DID know what to do! I have jacked off before! This time, it’s
just not my own dick.
I started moving my hand a little, eventually causing Gerard to let out this
whimper. I thought I might have hurt him by the way it sounded, so I stopped
moving my hand. He managed to look at me, and then he kissed me hard, undoing
my jeans all the way to find my dick. With my boxers and all, he had a hard
time getting to it. I felt him start to pull my clothes off, but then he
stopped and started to ask, “Frank, can I…” I cut him off with a desperate
“Please.” He let out a soft breath, like he had been holding his breath, and
pulled my jeans and boxers off. He tossed them on our floor and started to
reach for me. I stopped him by reaching for his jeans. I saw something glimmer
in his eyes as I did. I’ve never seen it before, but I think it was lust. With
a combined effort, we got his jeans off faster than mine came off.
I expected him to reach for my dick again, but he never did. I was kind of
disappointed. I wanted to feel his hand wrapped around me like that. Instead,
he pulled our bodies together, fronts pressed so close together that there
wasn’t even any air between us. I could feel his dick rubbing against mine. He
pressed our lips hard together. Though I’m not sure I could really call it a
kiss. But whatever it was, I could feel Gerard trying to hold back. I did not
want him to hold back, though.
I moved my hips forward to press them even closer together. I heard Gerard moan
softly. I knew he got what I was trying to say because he rolled us so he was
on top of me straddling my hips. He got that look on his face again, that one
he had when he was over me that night before he gave me a blowjob. But he
didn’t look so panicked this time. It was like he was just trying to decide
something. Finally he whispered, “Frank, I really want to… can we… you know…” I
finally got what he was trying to ask. I just smiled and nodded my head. A huge
smile overtook his mouth. He said, “I’ll be right back.” I asked for what and
he said we need supplies. Oh, yeah. As I listened to him rummage through a
couple of boxes, I realized I was nervous. I mean, I’m about to have sex! Or
make love or fuck or whatever you want to call it. But I was about to have
Gerard INSIDE of me!
I tried to take a couple of deep, calming breathes before Gerard came back to
the bed with some lube, a couple of condoms, and a towel. Exactly how many
times was he planning on doing this that we needed multiple condoms?! Gerard
just put the stuff on the nightstand and climbed up beside me so that he was
kind of leaning over me. He asked me how much I knew about sex. I asked what he
meant. He said he was talking specifically about prepping. Um, what-ing? Gerard
could tell I was lost. He smiled sweetly at me and ran his hand through my
hair. He said he had to prep me. It would make it much better for me in the
long run. I asked him what prepping me was. He said he would start with a
finger in my ass. Then he’d add more until I was stretched out. I must have
gave him an odd look. He said, “Yes, it’s awkward and it normally doesn’t feel
very pleasant as far as pleasure goes, but it will make it not hurt as bad when
I put me in you.” I told him to do whatever he needed to do.
He leaned down and kissed me. Then he took the lube from the nightstand, spread
my legs apart, and settled himself off to my side with one of his thighs under
mine. I watched every move he made. He put some of the lube on the fingers of
his right hand. He rubbed his fingertips together a little before he reached
down between my legs. I sort of flinched when I felt him touch my asshole. He
didn’t move his hand, either to remove it or do anything else. He just said, “I
know this is uncomfortable, Frank, but if it get to be too much, you make me
stop.” I just nodded my head and replied, “I know, I promise, Gerard.” He
smiled softly at me, put his left hand on my hip, and then I felt him push a
finger in.
Gerard was most definitely right! Awkward and uncomfortable are not strong
enough words for what I felt. But it wasn’t enough to make me want to stop him,
or for me to even think about stopping him. I felt him moving his finger around
some. After a minute he asked, “You okay?” I told him yeah. I felt him pull his
finger out a good ways, and then he pushed back into to me. But this felt more
weird, bigger. I realized he had two fingers in me now. He spent more time
moving his fingers around than he had with just the one. I could feel him
stretching my asshole. But it never hurt. Not until I felt him pull his fingers
out of me and push in three. And even three didn’t hurt until he started
spreading his fingers inside of me. The pain was only minimal though.
For the most part, I had kept my eyes closed with my head thrown back on the
pillows through all of that. The more he worked and stretched me out, the less
uncomfortable it got. I lifted my head to look at him. He had this look of…
like, contentment and concern at the same time on his face. As soon as we made
eye contact, he asked me if I was okay again. I just said yeah again. He asked
if he was hurting me. I told him no, which wasn’t exactly a lie, Journal. I
know sex is going to hurt the first few times, and I know it’s only going to be
worse in a few minutes. Plus, I didn’t want to make Gerard feel bad about what
he was doing to me. Like he said, it was necessary.
I felt him pull his fingers out of me. He leaned over and kissed me again and
told me I did good. He looked at me carefully and asked me if I was sure. I
actually gave it some honest thought. Was I ready to give Gerard my virginity?
Was I okay with how ever much pain he was about to inflict on me, regardless of
how much he didn’t want to? I finally kissed him and then told him I had never
been so sure of anything. He said, “Frank, it’s going to hurt a little. I can
only prep you so much. But if it starts to hurt…” I cut him off with, “I
promise you, Gerard, I won’t let you hurt me. It’s going to be fine.” He kissed
me and then trailed kisses down my throat and across my shoulder.
He took a condom off the nightstand and tore it open. I hadn’t realized how
nervous he was until I saw he couldn’t get the condom on because his hands were
shaking so bad. He managed to get it unrolled without getting it on. He tossed
it in the trash and got another one. Oh, so that’s why he got more than one. I
saw him blush as he tore open the second one. I sat up a little and put my
hands over his making him stop. He looked at me unsure like. I asked him if he
was sure about this. He blushed again and let out a short, nervous chuckle
before he told me he was just really worried about hurting me. I kissed him as
passionately as I could. My hands weren’t shaking near as much as his were, so
I took the condom and put it on him. He sort of blushed again but thanked me. I
laid back down how he had positioned me before.
He moved to between my legs and put some lube on the condom and then more on my
ass. Which was good. I don’t think we could have used too much lube this time.
He bent my legs up so that only my hips and feet were still touching the bed. I
felt him down there, his dick against my asshole. It was even warmer than his
fingers were. He asked me once more if I was okay. I told him with a laugh that
if he asked me that once more, it was going to ruin it for me. He sort of
laughed back before I saw him take a deep breath. I thought that might be a
good idea, so I did it too. Then he pressed his dick harder against my asshole.
I felt him start to push into me. Then further. Then I felt it hurt, not bad
but it was still pain. He kept pressing and the pain grew. I almost thought
about stopping him until I felt him literally pop inside of me. Then some of
the pain subsided.
He just stopped pressing in and waited a minute, wiping his fingers on the
towel. I could tell he wanted to ask me if I was okay. I half whispered I was
fine, and I saw his face relax. I told him I wanted him to kiss me. He said
leaning over me was going to make him enter me further and that he was trying
to let me adjust right now. I mumbled, “I don’t care. I want you to kiss me!”
He smiled and leaned down, pressing our chests together to get to my lips. Like
always, Gerard was right. It pushed his dick deeper inside of me, causing more
pain to come back. But as soon as his lips touched mine, I instantly felt
better. I was having sex with Gerard, the best person I think I could have lost
my virginity to!
He quickly broke the kiss and looked at me, the panic I thought was lost
written on his face. I didn’t have to ask him what. He immediately said,
“Frankie, you’re in pain. Your lips are trembling.” I tried to pull him down
into a kiss, but he wanted an answer and started to pull himself out of me. I
quickly grabbed his hips and pulled them back into mine, pushing his dick back
into my ass. He looked at me, and I told him it was a good pain, a pain I
didn’t mind and could handle. His expression relaxed at that. He leaned back
down and gave me that kiss I had tried to steal.
I could tell he wanted to move his hips. I don’t know how he could stand being
inside of me without moving. That’s like me just holding onto my dick after I
have started jacking off I think. Again, that instinct thing kicked in and I
pressed my hips into his, pressing my ass up against his dick. Well, I didn’t
do it; it was like my hips moved on their own. But whatever made me do it,
Gerard smiled at me. I felt him pull out of me a little and slowly push back
in. It didn’t hurt near as much that time. When he was fully inside of me, he
repeated the action. And again. And again. And eventually, I could feel more
pleasure than pain. I ran both of my hands over his hips. He pressed our chests
and mouths together as he continued that motion with his hips.
I pretty much lost track of anything other than Gerard. I could feel his abs
muscles flexing and relaxing against me with the movement of his hips. I could
feel his warm, labored breathing on the side of my neck. I could feel his hands
gently grip my skin every now and then in between rubbing me. At one point he
moaned and whispered in my ear, “God, Frankie, you feel amazing!” I wasn’t sure
how to respond, if I even could have responded. At some point, I realized he
had sped up, but I didn’t care. I could only feel a little pain at that point.
At another point, he looked at me, and I could tell he needed to know I was
okay. But both of us were really unable to talk, so I just nodded my head at
him and kissed him again. I can’t tell you what order all that happened in,
though. I was too lost in the “now” to record it all properly in my mind.
I know this was towards the end. I felt Gerard lift off of me. He tried to wrap
his hand around my dick, apparently to bring me to orgasm. But I was loving the
feel of our abdomens rubbing against it on either side. It was like nothing I
had ever felt. I pulled at his arm, trying to find his hand. He half looked at
me from under eyelids that looked like he could hardly keep them open and said,
“But I’m close.” I found the strength to mumble back, “Me, too. Just like we
were.” I saw Gerard nod at me and he pressed our bodies back together. I swear,
Journal, I have never felt so close to anyone in all my life, and not just
physically; I felt emotionally close to Gerard. I don’t know how long it was,
but just a little bit later, I felt my warm cum between our stomachs. For a
short time, I was lost in oblivion.
I quickly came back to reality, and Gerard was thrusting himself in and out of
me almost sloppily. I felt him bury himself as deep inside of me as I’m sure is
possible, and I could feel his dick pulsing inside of me. I knew he had cum. He
softly pushed in and out of me twice more before he rested his head on my
shoulder, both of us panting for breath and covered in sweat. I could feel
Gerard’s heartbeat matching my own racing heart. As our breathing and heart
rates slowed down, I could smell the sex surrounding us. It was almost as good
as Gerard’s scent.
Slowly we came back to life. Gerard asked me if I wanted to get a shower with
him. I didn’t want to wash Gerard off of me, but I wanted to clean myself up
down there and get my cum off my stomach. I finally nodded my head yes. We
climbed out of the bed, and Gerard stuck his head out the door to make sure
Mikey wasn’t looking. Then we quickly ran naked to the bathroom. As soon as we
were in there, Gerard started the shower warming up. I took some toilet paper
and wiped what I could off with it. Gerard’s face looked uneasy as he asked me
if I was bleeding. I showed him the paper and told him no. His whole body
instantly relaxed. We climbed in the shower together, and Gerard took to
washing me off. I hissed as he ran the soapy rag over my asshole. It stung! He
quickly rinsed it with water. When I was clean, he washed himself off. I would
have done it for him, but I think I was still too lost in what had just
happened. He had pretty much cleaned himself off before I realized he had even
started.
After the shower we got dressed. Gerard asked me if I wanted to order some
pizza for dinner. I told him pizza sounded great. As we walked into the living
room, Mikey was sitting on the sofa watching TV. He gave us a look that I
couldn’t read before mumbling, “You two are too loud. I SO didn’t need to know
what you were doing in there.” Gerard and I just giggled. I plopped down on the
sofa without thinking about what exactly we had just done to my ass. I sort of
yelped and jumped back up. That just gave Mikey a reason to giggle. Gerard was
at my side in an instant. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my
ear, “It’ll feel better in the morning. But you’ll be a little sore for a day
or two. Just sit with caution.” Thank God he has been through this before!
The rest of the night, we all watched TV together, me and Gerard snuggled up
close together. It was just amazing!
So I’m not a virgin anymore. And Gerard can rest assured that he’s not going to
hurt me my first time because he didn’t. I’m hoping we can do it the other way
around. I’m sure we’ll get there eventually. I’m going to make some dinner, or
at least try to, before Gerard comes home from work today.
Bye, Journal.
***** September 17, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

Today was great! I don’t have classes on Fridays, and I happen to have the day
off from work. I actually had a whole day off! I was talking about what I was
going to do today at breakfast with Gerard and Mikey. Mikey was going to hang
out with Alicia for the day until he had to be at work. And of course, Gerard
had to work. So I was going to be alone. I told Gerard I didn’t know what I was
going to do with a whole day to myself. Without hesitation, he said I should
come have lunch with him today. Well, it’s not that far of a drive, and he said
there was this great deli within walking distance of his office building. Of
course I accepted right away.

Gerard gave me directions to his work, and told me when I got there to let them
know at the front desk who I was. He said they would sign me in and give me a
visitor badge so I could come up to his area. I was stoked! I was getting to go
to Gerard’s work, and we were going to have lunch in Manhattan. Not long after,
Gerard left for work, and Mikey went to get ready to go see Alicia. Apparently
her parents don’t like the idea of Alicia hanging out with us at our place due
to the lack of parents around. After Mikey left, I found myself pacing the
floors and watching the clock. I swear time slowed down just because I was
waiting for lunch time.

I finally decided I wanted to look good for our lunch date, so I got a shower
and fixed my hair really nice. I picked out my sexiest jeans and my favorite
close fitting Black Flag t-shirt. Once I was pleased with my appearance, I
checked the clock again. I still had 20 minutes until I should leave, but I
decided I would take my time to get there. Plus, I might get lost and need the
extra time.

I ended up getting there 15 minutes early, but I went on in. The lady at the
desk was very nice, and after asking me who I was there to see, she pointed me
in the direction I needed to go to find the elevators. I made it to Gerard’s
floor. Then I was lost. It was a floor of cubicles, and Gerard had given me no
instructions on how to find his. A lady walked by and asked if she could help
me. I told her I was looking for Gerard. She said, “Gerard who?” So I told her
his last name. She smiled and told me to follow her. I followed her around the
floor and down between two sets of cubicles. She stopped at one and said to
whoever was in there, “Who is this cutie asking for you?” I stepped a little
closer to the opening right as Gerard stood up. He smiled at me and motioned
with his hand for me to come into his little work space.

I was a little shocked when he put his arm around my waist in his workplace and
said, “Debbie, this is my boyfriend, Frank. Frank, this is Debbie. She’s an
illustrator here.” I almost missed what he said because I was stuck on the fact
he had called me his boyfriend. FINALLY! Debbie stuck out her hand to shake
mine. She winked at Gerard and told him I was cute. Gerard laughed and told her
I wasn’t into girls but that it didn’t matter because I was already taken. I
rather enjoyed having Gerard talk about me like that. Debbie told me it was
nice to meet me and walked off.

Gerard leaned slightly away from me to lean over the wall to the next cubicle
calling for a Ray. This guy with quite the head of hair stood up, and Gerard
used that boyfriend word again to introduce me. Ray smiled and said, “It’s nice
to finally put a face to a name. He doesn’t shut up about you!” I’m pretty sure
I blushed then. Gerard talks about me at work?! That’s awesome! If I actually
talked to people at school, I’d be talking about Gerard a lot too. Anyway,
Gerard told Ray we were going out for lunch and that he’d be back in about an
hour.

As we left, Gerard wasn’t afraid of keeping his arm around my waist for
everyone to see, so I did the same, wrapping my arm around him. When I did, he
kind of looked at me sideways and smiled one of those smiles of his, the ones
that make my heart melt. We had to stop at the front desk and turn in my
visitor’s badge. Somehow we managed to squeeze through the door together
without letting go of each other.

The walk to the deli was only a block and a half. And it was a nice walk.
Gerard and I chatted about our day so far. His was far more interesting than
mine obviously. I took in the scenery and watched people walking in a hurry
past us as Gerard talked. I was glad we weren’t in such a hurry. Gerard had
started a leisurely pace when we left his office building, and he seemed to
really be enjoying walking arm in arm and talking with me just as much as I was
with him.

We reached the deli. Gerard let go of me a little and told me to go on, not
taking his hand off my back. When I looked, I realized why. This door wasn’t as
wide as his office door. There was no way we were squeezing through there
together. Once we were both inside, Gerard snuggles back up to my side and
whispers in my ear, “Those jeans make your ass irresistible” before he placed a
kiss in my hair. My plan to look nice worked. We ordered and found a table.
While we waited for our food, I couldn’t help but notice Gerard had to keep
readjusting himself under the table. And by the looks he was giving me, I don’t
think he wanted anything they had on the menu for lunch.

We pretty much ate in silence. Well, without spoken words. There was
conversation in the way we were looking at each other, like he does with Mikey,
but I know Mikey has never had this nonverbal conversation with Gerard. To be
honest, I have no idea what I was doing. I think Gerard was just horny, because
all I was doing was eating my lunch and looking at him. He was the one whose
breathing had picked up a little and seemed to be wearing pants too small.

We got finished eating and headed back the direction we had come from. Gerard’s
arm seemed to hang much lower on my waist heading back than it had on the way
there. As we past an alleyway between two buildings, Gerard hesitated for a
second and then pulled me down the alleyway. He pushed me up again a brick wall
on the opposite side of a dumpster so people on the sidewalk couldn’t see us
and pressed his lips into mine. Even I could feel the need in the kiss. He ran
his tongue over my lips, and I instinctively open my mouth to him. I’m pretty
sure if we had been at home, we’d have had sex right then. Gerard seemed to
have finally gotten enough of my mouth. He pulled away just the slightest bit
and placed one more peck on my lips before letting his forehead rest against
mine for a minute.
Casually we pulled away from each other and walked back towards the sidewalk
hand in hand. I realized as we made it back to the sidewalk that the building
he had been pressing our bodies against was his office building. It was time
for Gerard to go back to work and for me to go back home.

By the time Gerard got home from work, his neediness seemed to have
disappeared. We had dinner, making sure to save Mikey a plate, and snuggled up
to watch a movie. Well, a couple of movies. We started a Star Wars marathon.
But it was nice. Gerard was nestled between my legs, his head leaning against
my chest and his hand holding tightly to mine. Maybe all his neediness wasn’t
gone. He would involuntarily whimper if I broke contact with his body for even
a moment.

We’re tucked into bed now. Gerard is finishing up a new character for his comic
book idea while I write to you. I think we’re about ready to call it a night,
though. Today was a really good day, Journal. Even if we didn’t have sex again.

Good night, Journal.
***** September 25, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

I’m worried about Gerard. I got home from work last night. The light was out in
our room, so I figured Gerard had gone to bed. I snuck into the room and turned
the little lamp on over the desk so I could get changed. Gerard was laying
corner to corner across the bed fully clothed, like he had fallen asleep
without meaning to. But here’s the part that bothers me. His artwork was
scattered across the bed all around him. Some of his best pieces he had torn
up, balled up, or defaced. And on his sketch pad was this really dark picture
he had drawn with blood everywhere and a woman hacked to pieces. And it didn’t
have Gerard’s usual soft-handedness to it. It was like he had beared down so
hard with the pencil, he was trying to cut the paper with the tip of the
pencils. It just looked… angry.

I tried to salvage what I could of his art and put his things away on his desk
before I woke him up. As I snuggled up next to him to wake him, I noticed his
eyes were red rimmed and that the sheets were wet under his face. Gerard had
been crying himself to sleep.

I know Mikey had mentioned a while ago that he had been worried about Gerard,
but until this, I hadn’t seen anything. And Mikey hasn’t mentioned it in a
while. I really thought this had blown over, that he had gotten past it when he
dealt with the split with Bob.

Anyway, I tried to wake him up. I really wanted to talk to him about it, at
least a little. At least enough to make sure he was okay. After more poking and
prodding than usual, I finally got him to stir. He half groggily smiled at me,
which looked odd in contrast to his obviously tear stained eyes, and pulled me
close, snuggling me in like a pillow he was clutching to or something. I shook
him a little more and asked him if he wanted to change for bed. He mumbled
something I couldn’t understand and started his soft snores once again. And we
slept like that for the night, the light on the desk still on in our day
clothes diagonally across the bed.

By the time I woke up this morning, Gerard was already up, showered, and making
us some breakfast. I kept watching him curiously. He kept eyeing me back and
asking me what. Every time, I’d ask, “Are you okay, Gerard?” And all he’d reply
was “Yeah,” or “I’m fine.” And he sure seemed fine. He was smiling and placing
random kisses on my face, neck, and shoulders. He brought the pancakes he had
been working on over to the table, and we started to eat. I finally just
straight out asked him “Gerard, why’d you destroy all your artwork last night?”
I think he nearly choked. He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, his
smile gone except for the fake one he was trying to hang onto.

When he went back to eating without replying, I said, “I cleaned it up last
night, the mess you made with your art. I tried to save what I could of them,
but you had done irreparable damage to some of them. Why would you do that to
something you love so much?” He finally quit trying to plaster that damn fake
smile across his face, and said really lowly, “I had a bad night.” I asked him
why he didn’t call me at work, that he knew I would have came home early. He
simply said he didn’t want to screw me up with his problems. I could tell by
the way he said it that it was end of the discussion. But I tried to get him to
talk to me anyway. As soon as I said his name, though, he cut his eyes at me,
and I gave up. That was definitely a look I don’t want to get from Gerard
again. It was cold and, quite frankly, frightening.

We ate in silence after that. I guess technically that was our first fight.

After Gerard left for work, I made my way to Mikey’s room. He asked me what was
up, and I just cut loose immediately with “Have you ever seen Gerard destroy
all his artwork before?” Mikey stopped what he was doing and turned to look
dead at me. He asked me why, so I told him about last night. Mikey told me
Gerard had done that once before. He had drank himself almost to death the
other time he had done it before he started destroying his stuff. Mikey said
Gerard had ended up in the hospital overnight with near alcohol poison.

I told Mikey Gerard didn’t smell like alcohol last night, and he sure didn’t
seem hungover this morning. After I said that, Mikey didn’t seem too overly
concerned about it, though. He said Gerard was just weird like that sometimes.
He would start something everyone else thought was great, and then a few weeks
later he would trash it and start over. I didn’t say this to Mikey, but I could
see doing something like that with one or two pictures. But this wasn’t a few;
it was a whole book’s worth, all ripped out of the spiral bound pad haphazardly
and purposefully destroyed, not just tossed in the trash. I didn’t mention the
picture he had drawn of the hacked up woman. Maybe I should have. But if Mikey
says I shouldn’t worry about it, maybe he’s right. After all, he knows Gerard
better than me.

I just still can’t help worrying about it, though, Journal. Gerard was
obviously very upset last night. And he wouldn’t talk to me about it this
morning. There’s more to this, I think, than Mikey seems to think there is. But
for now, I’m just going to keep it to myself. Maybe it really was just a bad
night for Gerard.

I’ve got to be heading off to work. I wrote to you instead of doing my
homework, so now I have to do my homework on my breaks at work. Bye, Journal.
I’ll keep you posted.
***** September 28, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,

I don’t know if I should be worried about Gerard or not. He seemed fine. I’ve
even been watching for signs of him drinking but came up with nothing. I
thought I could just let it go, just keeping it in the back of mind for later.
I don’t know now, though. He really makes me feel like it was just an isolated
event. But then there was last night.

I got home from work last night, and when I walked into our bedroom, Gerard was
casually stretched out and sitting up on the bed redrawing one of the pictures
he had destroyed. The ruined version was laying on the bed beside him, I guess
for reference. I just stood in the doorway watching him draw for a while. He
was so wrapped up in what he was doing, he didn’t see me standing there. I
finally called his name. I saw him smile the split second before he even turned
his head to look at my direction. It was actually a little flattering that my
presence is enough to make him smile.

As soon as our eyes locked, he said, “Hey, babe. Come here and let me teach you
something.” I can never pass on art lessons with Gerard as my teacher. He just
has such a way about him that seems effortless. I quickly crossed the room and
made myself comfortable on the bed, fixing my pillows so I could sit up beside
him. He picked up the ripped up picture and handed me the three pieces of it.
Then he asked me what I saw. I looked at the drawing carefully for a while,
studying every detail I could find. I described the woman in the orange, black,
and green picture. She had red hair and was wearing an animal print orange
shirt. She appeared to have been in a fight of some sort recently, bandages on
her face. Each of her leather gloved hands was holding a black pistol.

He nodded his head, acknowledging the things I had observed, but I could tell
it wasn’t what he was looking for. I hadn’t seen what he had wanted me to see.
I looked to him for guidance. He picked up the piece that had her face on it.
He handed it to me and asked me what she said to me, how I thought she felt. I
studied her features again, keeping in mind his questions. After another few
minutes, I told him that she seemed pissed, almost vengeful. She looked like
she could kill without another thought of it. Gerard looked somber when I
looked back at him. He simply replied, “She is… well, was.”

I asked him why “was”. He was redrawing her; wouldn’t she still be angry and
venomous? One side of Gerard’s mouth slightly pulled up in a short lived grin.
He told me that was tonight’s lesson. He took a deep breath, and I just let him
breathe, waiting for him to continue. He lit a cigarette, and then he proceeded
to tell me that no matter how hard we try, the way we feel affects our artwork.
If we’re mad or sad or happy or worried, it will show, if only in the lines. He
said no two pictures are ever the same. I asked him what he meant. His only
response was to hand me what seemed to be essentially the same picture, the one
he had nearly finished but not quite. I didn’t need Gerard to prompt me this
time; I knew what he wanted me to see. I immediately zeroed in on her face. In
this one, she had a few more scratches on her face, these not covered by
bandages; she was obviously a little more worse for the wear. And her face
seemed… she almost looked lost. Like not physically, but she looked like she
didn’t want to kill, that she was doing it out of necessity this time. There
was almost a touch of sorrow in her face. The apathy in her in the previous
picture seemed to be replaced by anguish.

I didn’t say anything aloud, but I turned to look at Gerard with question in my
gaze. I knew he was trying to tell me something, but my immaturity prevented me
from seeing. I truly wished I was older, or at least had more life experience,
right then. Gerard wouldn’t look at me; he simply took the last drag of his
cigarette and crushed the butt into the ashtray. He took the art pad back and
ran a couple of fingertips over her face. His voice was soft when he told me,
“Be careful of what you show people, Frankie.”

This wasn’t just another art lesson. There was something personal about this.
Gerard was trying to tell me something, I know it! But what was I supposed to
see, Journal? What am I missing? Is it really as simple as it seems? Gerard was
angry and now he’s depressed? I’ve thought long and hard about it today and
know I need to talk to Mikey about it. But how do I explain it to Mikey? Steal
Gerard’s two pictures and show them to Mikey and explain what Gerard had said
to me? Would Mikey even understand it either?

Now, I’m back to not being sure if Gerard’s okay. I need help! I think Gerard
needs help! Please, Journal, tell me what to do and how to help Gerard! If
Gerard even needs my help. I don’t know that much about him. I don’t know that
much about life or emotions. What help could I really offer? It seems like
Gerard is trying to reach out to me, but I don’t know what he wants. I just
feel helpless to save him.

Or do you think I’m just making something out of nothing, Journal? Was it
really just another art lesson?
***** October 12, 1999 *****
Dear Journal,
Since that night with the art lesson about feelings showing in your drawings or
whatever that was (I still don’t know!), Gerard hasn’t done or said anything
else to make me worry about him. He seems back to normal. He has been steadily
redrawing some of his pictures. There’s a particular one he keeps picking up,
but he’ll look at it for a minute or two and then put it back down. I think he
wants to redraw it, but something is stopping him. I asked him about it once,
and he just told me he never really liked it to start with. I didn’t push him
for more. Some of his art seems a bit personal, like an actual extension of
himself, and I’m not sure he wants to open himself up completely like that yet.
I can respect that, I suppose.
I got my Cause and Effect essay paper back. I failed! I got a fucking F on it!
The highest grade in the class was only a D! Mr. Baker said nearly everyone
fails the first paper, like that’s supposed to make me feel better. But the
first paper doesn’t count for as much as the rest of the papers do. And he’s
giving us a chance to revise the paper, taking into account his notes, and turn
it in again. Then he’ll average out the two grades for our final grade. I
thought my paper was good! Well, my causes weren’t all that sound I suppose. I
mean, how many causes can one have for being gay? I’m gay because it’s the way
I’m made. Period. Just… this sucks!! Maybe I should have chose a better
subject.
I told Gerard about it. He sort of frowned but told me not to worry about it if
Mr. Baker really said all that other stuff. I retorted he wasn’t the one that
had failed a paper. He wrapped his arms around me and told me he had failed
plenty of assignments at SVA. Then he said he knew how to take my mind off the
failed assignment. I knew what he meant, but I kind of like making Gerard ask
for what he wants. That’s still sort of new for us. So I asked him how he
planned to do that. He tugged at my jeans and whispered, “I want you. Now.” I
smirked and asked him exactly how he wanted me. He sort of whined then said he
wanted to touch me.
I just got mean then. I told him he was already touching me. His grin grew a
little, as he knew I was just aggravating him on purpose, and he growled
playfully as he attached his lips to the side of my neck. He sucked on the
hollow of my collarbone for a moment, and then he worked his way up to my ear
with his tongue, leaving behind a cool, wet trail, while his hands stayed
firmly planted on my hips. When he got to my ear, he breathed into it, “I want
to touch you in that way only I have touched you.”
That was all it took. I was putty in Gerard’s hands. He seems to have become
rather fond of the fact that he’s my first at everything. He called me
“unspoiled” once but not really to my face; he was sort of mumbling to himself
as he was about to cum. But it’s not just Gerard that feels that way. I melt
when he says those things to me in that way.
We managed to make it to the bedroom before we lost any articles of clothing
but just. We only made it right inside the door and got it closed. He looked at
me in that way he does that has become second nature to us in such a short
time, asking my permission to start undressing me. I had barely nodded before
he had my shirt in his hands, pulling it over my head. But he didn’t just jerk
it off; Gerard always undresses me with what I can only call reverence. No
matter how quickly or slowly he takes my clothes off, his eyes always take me
in as if it’s the first time he’s seeing me in such a way. It makes me feel
attractive, like what we do is more than just sex to Gerard. Which, I hope it
is because it’s more than just sex to me.
Once I was wearing only my skin in front of him, I undressed him, mimicking as
best I could the way he does me. But I don’t have to try very hard. I really am
in awe of Gerard and his body. Gerard may not be the most ripped man and I’m
sure there are other people that wouldn’t find Gerard attractive, but to me,
he’s absolutely beautiful, nearing imperfect perfection. Once he was just as
naked as I was, I ran my hands over the small pudge Gerard has just over his
hips. He let me for just a moment before he put his hands on my chest and
gently pushed me backwards towards the bed.
We crashed onto the bed, and Gerard’s mouth immediately found mine. We kissed
for a long while, enjoying tasting each other. Gerard’s mouth always has this
sweet taste to it. I sometimes wonder what I taste like to him. We finally
managed to stop kissing long enough to get more comfortable on the bed. As our
lips reconnected, Gerard pulled my hand down to his dick and pressed it into
himself. I wrapped my fingers around the satin skin of his dick and began
gently rubbing it up and down. Once his dick started leaking, I ran my thumb
over his slit. Gerard bucked his hips a little, and his hand found my own hard
dick.
Being pretty turned on, Gerard was only able to stroke me sloppily. I tightened
my grip and picked up the pace of my hand, wanting us to pleasure each other
and cum separately. Gerard stopped the motions of his hand but didn’t take it
off my dick. I kissed him harder as I continued pulling on him. As Gerard
neared climax, he could hardly kiss me anymore. I sat up from beside Gerard on
the bed, causing Gerard’s hand to slide off of me, and used my unoccupied hand
to play with his balls and gently tug at the skin covering them. The sounds
from Gerard picked up until he grunted, his muscles tightened, and he came in
my hand. I gave Gerard a quick kiss before grabbing my dirty t-shirt off the
floor to wipe my hand on.
By the time I got back to the bed, Gerard was eager to finally get his hands on
me. I just laid back and let him do his thing. His hand was warm and tight
around my dick. His hand feels very different from my own, better. Very shortly
after I had laid down, Gerard sat up and pulled one of my legs off to the side.
I felt his other hand run over my balls and down to between my legs. I thought
he was going to finger me until I felt a soft pressure just under my balls.
Gerard pressed the pad of his finger harder into that spot and started rubbing
it in circles. The feelings I was getting from his hand on my dick was suddenly
intensified quite a bit!
Somehow, he managed to jack me off, play with my balls, and rub whatever that
spot was. With the added sensation, it only took me a few minutes to cum
myself. After I was able to stop panting and breathe normally again, I asked
him what he had done. He told me he had played with my prostate. I didn’t
realize my prostate could do that, and I told him so. He laughed softly and
said next time he’d have to do it from inside, that the sensations I’ll get
from him rubbing from the other side are even better. I can hardly wait!
Gerard wiped his hand off on his own shirt. He collected all of our clothes and
tossed them in the laundry basket before rejoining me on the bed. We snuggled
up until Gerard fell asleep. He always falls asleep before me. I wanted to
write to you, so I did. Now I’m going to nestle back up to my wonderful,
snoring boyfriend and go to sleep myself.
Good night, Journal.
***** October 31, 1999 (Part One) *****
Chapter Notes
     This journal entry is three parts long!
Dear Journal,
Today is my birthday! I am now 18 years old! I’ve only been waiting on this day
for 18 years! So naturally I took it off. Gerard let me sleep in, and when I
got up, he had breakfast waiting on me. He kissed me and wished me a happy
birthday before he started to warm it up because it had sat there so long
waiting on me it had actually went cold. He placed the plate down in front of
me with a cup of coffee, and then he took a seat across the table from me. I
watched him just watching me for a while. I finally asked him what. He raised
an eyebrow at me and asked me how much money I had saved towards my tattoo I
wanted.
Gerard has known for a while I wanted to get a jack-o-lantern on my back. I
have been saving what I could towards it. I was hoping to have enough money to
get it done today. And Gerard knew all of this. I told Gerard I didn’t have
enough. He asked if there were other tattoos I wanted. I told him the answer
was obviously yes, but I wanted my jack-o-lantern first. He scratched his chin
for a minute. He really needed to shave I noticed. He finally put his hand back
down and cut his eyes up to mine from where he had been staring at the kitchen
table. He said as casual as Gerard always is, “I wanted to get you something
for your birthday that I knew you really wanted. But I wasn’t sure what to buy
you. So… you have an appointment at The Ink Works in about two hours. I’ve
already paid for it.”
I just sat there looking at him with a mouthful of half chewed food for a
moment. I was certain I heard him wrong. I finally managed to swallow and ask
him how he knew how much it was going to cost. He told me he was sorry, but he
had went through my stuff to find the pattern and took it over there a few days
ago. I practically leapt across the table at him to hug him. He hugged me back
really tight, kissed my cheek, and whispered, “Happy birthday, sugar.” All I
could do was say thank you over and over again!
When I finally let him go, I asked him if he was coming with me. He visibly
cringed and told me no, that he was deathly afraid of any type of needles. I
told him he wouldn’t see it, but he told me he would still know it was there,
piercing my skin thousands of times and it was just too much for him. I hugged
him again, more to comfort him since he seemed upset by the whole deal, and
told him thanks once more. He told me I had better get ready to go if I was
going to be there on time.
I wasted no time getting ready to go. When I got back to our room after my
shower, Gerard was propped up on the bed drawing. I just kept getting ready to
go. When I was about ready, Gerard called my name. I turned and raised my
eyebrows at him in question. He said, “I have one more gift for you. You don’t
have to use it, but I thought maybe you’d like this.” He handed me the page he
had been working on drawing. I took it from him and looked at it. It was a
different drawing of a Halloween pumpkin. My eyes met his, and he continued. “I
thought maybe you’d like to have a tattoo no one else has, so I drew that for
you.”
As if Gerard hadn’t given me enough for my birthday, he had drawn me the most
wonderful picture to have permanently put on my body. I was going to have
Gerard’s art in my skin forever! A piece of Gerard was going to become a piece
of me! I told him I loved it and carefully folded it up to put in my back jeans
pocket for safe keeping. I kissed him goodbye and headed off to my appointment.
The tattoo shop wasn’t very busy. I walked up to front desk, and a lady with
more piercing and tattoos than I could count asked if she could help me. I told
her I had an appointment. She asked with who. I told I didn’t know, that the
appointment had been made by my boyfriend (at which she gave me an odd look) as
a birthday present for me. She asked my name, so I told her. She flicked
through a couple of sheets of paper then told me it was with Jack, their best
artist. I should have known Gerard, being an artist himself, would make sure I
had their best artist. The pierced and inked lady told me to have a seat and
she would let Jack know I was here.
I took a seat, but I couldn’t sit still. I ended up pacing the waiting area,
looking at all the tattoo designs they had hanging on the walls. Some of them
were really awesome and I would love to have done. But I was on a mission, and
I was getting MY jack-o-lantern. I was checking out this really awesome design
called “Lady of Sorrows” when I heard my name called. I turned to be greeted by
a guy that had even more tattoos than the lady at the desk had, if that was
possible. He shook my hand and introduced himself. I introduced myself back. He
sort of joked that I didn’t look old enough to be “getting inked” and asked for
my ID. I produced my driver’s license for him. He looked it over, nodded, and
told me to follow him.
He led me back to a room that the walls were covered in photos. I looked at
some of the photos as I walked in. All the work in the pictures was amazing. I
asked Jack if he had done them. He smiled slightly and said, “Each and every
one. You’ll be on that wall soon.” He fumbled over a pile of papers for a short
time and apparently found what he had been searching for. He held up the design
I had been holding onto for so long and asked me if that was the right one. I
nodded shyly, but pulled the drawing Gerard had made me out of my back pocket.
I asked him if I could change the pattern on short notice. He saw the paper in
my hand and asked me if he could take a look. I handed the page over. Jack
studied it for a while, tilting his head to one side and then the other. He
finally looked up at me and said, “I can do this. It’ll take me a little longer
to get setup for it, though. You mind waiting?” I replied I would wait however
long it took to have that done instead.
Jack motioned towards a chair and told me to make myself comfortable. I sat
down as Jack walked out of the room. Once again, the anticipation was too much
for me, and I started moving again. I finally got up and took to looking at all
the pictures of Jack’s work. He is REALLY a good artist. Apparently I didn’t
hear Jack come back in the room. He startled me when he asked, “So where is
this going?” I stuttered out a what. He said, “On your body, where do you want
this inked?” I told him my upper back. He told me to take my t-shirt off and
sit backwards in the chair. I followed his instructions. Jack asked me if this
was my first tattoo as he got a few things situated on a table beside us. I
told him it was.
Without warning, I felt him rub my back. I just about jumped out of the chair.
Very rarely does anyone other than Gerard touch me, especially my bare skin.
Jack said, “Whoa, easy now. I’m just cleaning your back,” and went back to
wiping my back off. I mumbled a sorry and told him I just wasn’t used to people
touching me. He stopped for a minute and told me he sort of HAD to touch me. I
laughed out loud, realizing how bad I must have sounded, and then I told him I
didn’t have anything against it, that I just wasn’t expecting it. He sort of
half laughed and said, “I’m about to touch you again.” I just nodded.
I felt him rub his hands over the top bit of my back. It was actually really
warm feeling. I felt what seemed like something being peeled off my skin. Jack
handed me a mirror and told me to come look in the bigger mirror on the wall. I
walked over and put my back to the mirror and held up the smaller mirror so I
could see. There it was, Gerard’s drawing on my back. I just stood there
looking at it. Jack broke my trance by asking if the placement was okay. I said
it was just right. So he replied, “Well, have a seat again and let’s get
started.”
I heard the buzzing of Jack’s tattoo gun for a few seconds. It stopped, and he
rubbed something on my back and asked me if I was ready. I answered back with a
simple, “Yep.” I heard the buzzing again. Jack’s warm hand pressed against the
left side of my back, and then I felt it. I’m not sure how to describe “it”,
though. Maybe like being scratched? I mean, it hurt but only a little. After a
few minutes, I felt Jack move his hand. I looked and he was inking his needle
up again, so I took the chance to make myself more comfortable.
Jack worked silently for a while, but he finally asked me why a Halloween
pumpkin. I told him Halloween had always been my favorite holiday and it was
also my birthday. He said, “Today’s your birthday?” I nodded. He laughed and
said he obviously wasn’t paying attention when he checked my ID. He asked if I
had drawn my stencil. I smiled, thinking of Gerard, and told him that my
boyfriend had drawn it for me as part of my birthday gift. Jack didn’t say
anything at first. I thought maybe he was wearing the same expression the woman
at the front desk had shown me until he spoke back up again. “His name starts
with a G, right? What is it…” he faded out like he was asking himself.
“Gerard,” I spoke up. “That’s it!” he replied eagerly.
Jack proceeded to tell me how impressed he was with Gerard in the limited time
they had spoken. He liked Gerard’s “artistic eye” he said. He said Gerard had
great taste in tattoos. When he finally took a breath, I interjected that I
thought Gerard was a really great artist, that he drew AMAZING pictures. I
heard Jack chuckle before he said, “I suppose I shouldn’t be gushing like a
girl over your boyfriend, should I?” I looked over my shoulder and asked him if
he was gay. He smirked and said, “Naw, dude. I like pussy too much to be gay.”
I laughed at what he said and told him as long as he wasn’t gay, I didn’t mind
him talking about Gerard’s artistic abilities. We spent a little more time
talking about Gerard and our relationship. But thankfully, Jack avoided asking
personal questions.
We had moved on to talking about music for some time when I realized Jack’s gun
had stopped buzzing and he was cleaning my back again. By that point, my back
had pretty much become numb. Jack handed me the small mirror again and motioned
towards to mirror hanging on the wall. I stood with my back to it again, and
slowly raised the mirror in my hand.
It was perfect. It IS perfect!
I was beyond eager to show it to Gerard and I reached for my shirt. Jack told
me to hold on for a minute, he wasn’t done. He told me to sit back down, so I
did. He rubbed some balm over my new tattoo and then pulled out a camera. He
asked if he could take a couple of shots, and I nodded. He snapped three
pictures and put the camera down on the table. Jack put a dressing over my
back, saying it would protect it from my t-shirt rubbing it. I thanked Jack for
his work, and he said to come back again. I asked him if I owed him anything.
He said Gerard had settled with him, so I was free to go. With that I was out
of the tattoo shop and on my way back home.
***** October 31, 1999 (Part Two) *****
Chapter Notes
     This journal entry is three parts long!
     I am SO sorry I left you all just hanging midchapter for so long.
     I've been working on other projects for a while, and I took a break
     from writing fanfics. I am back to writing them now, and I'm also
     working on some new oneshots. I even signed up for Kink_Bingo on
     LiveJournal, so you can expect those stories to start cropping up
     soon.
     *sighs* Wow. It's great to be back! I hope I haven't lost too many of
     you!
     Hugs and loves! And see you soon!
     Miz
I pulled up to the house, and the outside of the house was all decked out for
Halloween. None of it had been there when I had left. There were all sorts of
“scary” decorations in the yard, and even a full mock graveyard with a smoke
machine. But the thing that I was most curious about was the number of cars in
the driveway! I had to park on the curb! I knew before I climbed out of the car
what was going on. There was a party inside our house waiting on me. I can’t
say I wasn’t excited!
As I opened the car door and started to climb out, I was met by a freshly
showered and shaved Gerard. He had this smug grin on his face that he was
trying hard to hide. As I stepped out of the car, he slid his hands around my
waist and breathed hi to me as he leaned in to kiss me. After allowing our lips
to linger together for a minute, he pulled away and asked me how it went. I
told him it was a long story I was going to have to tell him all about. He
asked if he could see it. I told him it was all bandaged up right now but
definitely later on and quickly followed it up with “You don’t have to act all
nonchalant. I’m very aware there is something going on inside our house.”
Gerard quit trying to hide his grin and let it grow into a full, teeth bearing
smile.
“What can I say?” he kind of whispered. “Everyone loves you so much, and they
all wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” I asked him who “they all” were. He
simply replied, “Everyone,” and started pulling me towards the house.
The inside of the house had been decorated, too! It was all done up in
Halloween colors. It was just the Ways plus Alicia and her mom there, but it
was awesome. They were here to help me celebrate my birthday. Before Gerard
could get the door shut, Donna had pulled me into a tight hug, unaware of my
recent activities. I kind of squirmed before I could stop myself. She quickly
let go with a confused look on her face. Before I could explain, Gerard had
already started. He told her I had gotten my birthday present from him already,
which is where I had been. He told her about my new tattoo. Her expression
quickly drew apologetic and she said, “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Then she hugged me more carefully, wishing me a happy birthday as she did.
Mikey had made his way over while Donna had been hugging me. He said, “You got
it done? Well let’s see it then!” I blushed but pulled my shirt off. Gerard
helped me pull off the bandage Jack had put over it. Then everyone took to
studying my back. It was kind of weird. Gerard was the first to step back
around front of me. He looked almost proud. He said, “So you used my design?” I
stepped closer to him, not caring the others were still looking at my new
tattoo, and linked our fingers. I kissed him softly and told him “Of course I
used it, silly. It was perfect.” I heard Donna “aww” at us, and then I heard
Don say softly, “Donna, don’t embarrass them.” Gerard laughed softly and said
he was taking me away from my party. I really didn’t care. I would have been
happy to spend my whole birthday with just Gerard, but it would be rude to do
that when they had all come over for me.
“We have something for you!” Donna called excitedly like she had forgotten
until that moment. “Come. Sit,” she practically ordered me. Gerard put the
dressing back over my tattoo, I pulled my shirt back on, and I did as I was
told. After all, Donna is the mother I wish I had. Before I knew it, there were
two large gifts and a small, flat one in front of me. Donna quickly started
telling me that she knew there weren’t but a few, but they had all pitched in
to buy them, and the whole thing was Alicia’s idea. I looked to Alicia, who I
had yet to have a chance to speak to. She smiled and wiggled her fingers in a
wave to me. I took a minute to greet her and ask her how she was. She said she
was good but to open my presents.
Alicia handed me the small, flat one first. She said she would explain it when
I was done with all three. I opened it. It was a package of silver sticker
letters. Don stepped forward and laid one of the large gifts in my lap. Between
the fact Alicia had come up with it and the size and shape of the gift, I had a
very strong feeling what it was. And I was right. The Ways plus Alicia had
bought me a guitar. But not just any guitar. An Epiphone Les Paul, a white one!
Well, Alpine Snow to be exact. I stuttered trying to force the words out of my
mouth. It was too much. Seriously, it was WAY too much! These guitars aren’t
cheap… AT ALL!! I looked around the room at everyone. Mikey had his arm draped
over Alicia’s shoulders, a small grin on his lips. Alicia was practically
beaming at me. Don had only a hint of a smile on his lips, and he nodded his
head when I made eye contact. I quickly looked to Donna and tried to tell her
once more I couldn’t accept such a gift, but before I could finish my sentence,
she waved her hand dismissively at me and said, “Nonsense.”
I shifted my gaze to Gerard. He was looking at me like I was the best thing he
had ever seen. I could just see and feel the emotions coming off of him in
waves. Surely he would understand, though. “Gerard… I can’t… tell me you had
nothing to do with this,” I nearly whispered. His cheeks flushed, and he said,
“I might have helped a little.” I tried to tell him he was giving me too much:
the tattoo, the drawing, helping with the guitar and what I was guessing was an
amp still wrapped in birthday paper. He cut me off with, “You still have one
more to open, Frankie.” I slowly unwrapped it. Sure enough, it was an amp. But
not just any amp; it was a full size Marshall amp. I mean, not rock star on a
concert stage sized, but three times bigger than the tiny thing my ex-parents
gave me.
I gave up trying to convince them it was all too much. I just had one question,
so I asked it. “Why?” They all started talking at once. That forced a laugh out
of my throat. I held my hands up, causing them to all stop talking, and told
them one at a time. Alicia didn’t give anyone else a chance to start. She
immediately told me, “Whether you admit it or not, you are SO much better than
me on the guitar, Frank. With the right equipment, which you have now, you can
actually go places with playing.” Before I could respond, Gerard spoke up. Of
course he had my full attention. Of all of them, I wanted to know why HE was
doing this for me. But I was not expecting what came out of his mouth, so
softly yet without question.
“Because you’re family now, Frankie. To everyone.”
I think my heart stopped. I know for sure I couldn’t breathe. “Family” Gerard
had said. I had a—no, I HAVE a family again. A loving, caring, understanding
family. My vision went blurry, and I couldn’t stop the warm tears from falling
from my eyes. I heard Donna quickly cross the short distance between us,
calling out, “Oh, honey…” She wrapped me in a warm embrace, and kept talking.
“Why wouldn’t we love you? You are such a wonderful, sweet boy!” Before I knew
it, I was pulled to my feet, and all of them, even Don, were hugging me at
once. I felt Gerard’s hand slide into mine, and he gave it a tight squeeze. I
squeezed it back.
Mikey was the first to speak again, saying enough with the mushy crap and that
there was cake to eat. I was actually grateful for Mikey right then. I was
starting to get a little uncomfortable. I was ushered to the table, and
everyone stood around me. After a minute, Donna came towards the table carrying
a cake decorated for Halloween that had “Happy 18th Birthday, Frank!” written
on it. And just like on Gerard’s birthday, it was covered in lit candles. They
all sang to me, and I blew out the candles. But I didn’t have a wish this year
because my biggest wish, the only one I could think of, had come true. All I
could do was thank whatever higher power there is for a fantastic birthday and
the wonderful family that had unofficially adopted me.
As we were all eating cake, the trick-or-treaters began coming to the door. I
was quick to get up and answer the door, not paying attention that I had no
candy to give them. As soon as I noticed, Mikey was beside me with a huge bowl
of candy. “Forgetting something?” I took the bowl and threw a handful of candy
at him shouting, “No!” Mikey and the three kids at the door just laughed. I
made a big production of trying to guess their costumes, which were actually
pretty obvious. But the kids seemed to love it. I gave them a few pieces of
candy each, and they ran back to the sidewalk to their parents.
I shut the door and turned around to find everyone sitting around just looking
at me. I asked what. Alicia holds up my new guitar, and I noticed she had set
everything up. They all started chanting, “Play! Play! Play!” I slumped my head
to my chest, embarrassed already. I saw Alicia’s shoes in my view just as I
smelled her floral scent. She put her arm around mine and pulled me towards my
new, awaiting family. She leaned in close to my ear and whispered, “You have
to. It’s the least you can do.” Then she pulled away and reached for the letter
stickers. “But first,” she said in her regular voice, “you have to name… her?”
and held out the letters to me. I took them and looked at my new guitar. I
didn’t have to think. I knew exactly what I was going to call her.
I opened the package up and took my guitar into my lap. I started carefully
sticking the letters on her. P-A-N-S-Y. It was the perfect name. She was
perfect. I ran my fingertips over the letters and then turned her to face
everyone so they could all see her name. “Why ‘Pansy’?” Alicia asked. I looked
right at her and told her the truth. “It was my nickname, a long time ago.”
Gerard surprised me by speaking up, telling me I had better start playing Pansy
now.
So I did. I was a little rusty, as I hadn’t played in few months, but it didn’t
take me long to get it right. I played a song I wrote, too. A song I wrote for
Gerard, though I would never admit it in front of all of them. When I was done,
they gave me a standing ovation. Gerard wrapped his arms around me and snuggled
into my side. “I’ve never heard you play before,” he said softly, almost
seductively. “You are really good at your art, Frankie.” A wave of nervousness
at the fact Gerard had never heard me play ran through me for a minute until I
realized he had just heard me play. It was too late for performance jitters!
The rest of the night was spent just hanging out, talking, laughing, and
handing out candy to all the kids that came knocking on our door. All too soon,
Alicia’s mom said they needed to go. Alicia tried to quietly ask to stay, but
her mom gave her that mom look and told her tomorrow was a school day. I got up
and hugged her, thanking her for the wonderful birthday gift. She quickly told
me I had better come over soon so we could jam together. I told her she could
count on it. As soon as Alicia was gone, Don and Donna stood up. I told them
they couldn’t leave so early. Donna put her hand on my shoulder and told me it
was already after ten and added, “Besides, I’m sure you want to spend some time
alone with Gee on your birthday.” Leave it to Donna to say that! She didn’t
wait for a reply, thank God! She hugged me tightly once again, careful of my
back from the start this time. Don shook my hand and told me to make sure
Gerard takes care of me. I assured him Gerard took very good care of me. “If he
doesn’t, you let me know,” he said, patting my shoulder.
***** October 31, 1999 (Part Three) *****
Chapter Notes
     This journal entry is three parts long!
      
     This chapter is dedicated to a wonderful friend of mine, Amy! She is
     by far one of the best people I know, and I love her dearly! And I
     think this is probably the best chapter to dedicate to her too! (It
     is HANDS DOWN my favorite chapter of this fic written to date!)
     I hope you all enjoy!
Soon enough, it was just Mikey, Gerard, and me again. I looked around the
living room at the mess. Mikey saw me and told me he’d take care of it and to
go spend the rest of my birthday with Gerard. Gerard stood from his place on
the edge of the sofa and hugged his brother. Then he took my hand and started
leading me towards our bedroom. I heard Mikey shout towards us, “But PLEASE try
to keep it down in there!” I giggled, but I didn’t think we were going to be
doing that. I mean, we don’t really do those sorts of things too often, and
we’ve only had sex the once.
Gerard shut the door behind us. I just stood there awkward like. I mean, it
seemed like everyone but us knew we going to do something. Gerard put a hand on
either side of my face and kissed me, long and deep and lovingly. We finally
had to breathe, and Gerard let me go. He asked if he could see my tattoo again.
I told him of course since he had drawn it and paid for it. He pulled the
bandage off again, and I felt his cool fingertips brush over the edges of it.
“The artist did a good job on it. I think he made my drawing look even better.”
I said, “Jack.” Gerard asked me what, so I told him the artist’s name was Jack.
Gerard feigned jealousy and asked me if Jack had left an impression on me. I
half smiled and told him no but he had sure seemed to make an impression on
Jack. Gerard looked at me quizzically, so I told him what all Jack had said
about him. Gerard seemed a little embarrassed by the compliments.
We moved over to the bed, and I went on to tell him how it went at the shop.
He’d ask a question or two between sentences. He seemed genuinely interested in
how it had gone. I told him the whole story, not leaving out any details, just
I like I told you earlier, Journal. When I got to the end, Gerard asked me if I
needed more stuff put over my tattoo. I told him I did, but I’d have to go get
it, that I had left it on the shelf by the door with my keys. Gerard told me
he’d get it and dashed out of the room before I could stop him. But he must
have literally ran there and back because he was back in less than a minute. He
was unscrewing the lid before he even made it back to the bed. I turned myself
on the bed and let my head fall forwards. I felt his cool fingers softly rub
the goopy stuff into my tattoo. And I have to admit, the coolness of his
fingers felt SO GOOD over my inflamed skin! I think Gerard could tell I was
enjoying it because it took him three or four times longer to rub that balm
over my back than it took Jack. I heard Gerard start screwing the lid back on
the tub, and I’m pretty sure I groaned at the lack of his hand.
As he laid down on the bed, he asked me what band sang the song I had played. I
played with the sheets and mumbled I had wrote it. I could see Gerard nod his
head in my side vision. After about fifteen seconds of silence, in which I’m
sure Gerard was thinking, he asked me who I wrote it for. I tried not to
hesitate too long and replied “I wrote it for someone who is really special to
me.” There was another quick passage of silent time. Then Gerard asked very
softly, “Did you write that for me, Frankie?” My eyes quickly shot up to meet
his, and I immediately fired back, “What makes you think that?” He said,
“Besides the fact your eyes kept drifting towards mine while you were playing
it? The fact you just used the present tense. So either you wrote it for Mikey…
or me.”
Well, what could I do, Journal? He had already figured it out. So I told him
yeah, I wrote it for him. He asked me if there were lyrics to it. I said kind
of, but they weren’t finished yet. And they weren’t all that good. Thank God,
Gerard didn’t ask to hear or see them. He seemed to have let it go at that.
Plus, Gerard understands unfinished art.
Gerard pulled me over top of him and brought my lips down to meet his. The kiss
started out gentle and love filled, but it quickly grew harder and more desire
filled. As the kiss broke, I felt Gerard palm my now hard dick through my
jeans. I let out a low moan. Gerard shifted a little like he was trying to
reach for something. I moved so he could, and he reached into the nightstand
drawer and pulled out a condom. I looked at it for a moment. I knew what Gerard
wanted… or so I thought. I said we’d have to do it with me on my stomach.
Gerard’s lips curled into his sweet smile at me and said, “No. You fuck me,
Frank.”
I was instantly frozen by fear. After I had been just looking between Gerard’s
face and the condom for entirely too long, I heard Gerard call my name in
question. When I looked at him, he asked me what was wrong. I forced my vocal
chords to work and told him I didn’t know how to do that, how to do what he did
to me. He laid the condom down on his still clothed stomach and rubbed his
hands up and down over my upper arms. He said he was well aware of that, but he
would talk me through it just like he has done before. Okay, I can do that.
Gerard has always been a good teacher, but… another wave of fear went through
me as the thought entered my mind. I asked him but what if I hurt him. He
smiled at me, but I could see him trying to hide the painful emotions that
question raised. He said, “You’d have to try really hard to hurt me worse than
I’ve been hurt before, Frankie.” That was NOT very reassuring, and I told him
that. I didn’t want to hurt him just as much as he didn’t want to hurt me! He
said he promised to let me know when I did something wrong, but he would be
fine even when I hurt him a little. He went on that he knew I wouldn’t be doing
it intentionally and that I had to learn and learning means making mistakes.
This was FAR from the best pep talk Gerard had ever given me! He practically
told me I WAS going to hurt him. How did he expect me to keep going after
that?!
Right when I was about to put a stop to everything, Gerard said, “I want you,
Frankie. I want to connect with your body and your soul again just like we did
the last time. I can’t do that with you on your stomach, and you can’t lay on
your back right now. So please? Fuck me?” It wasn’t just me; Gerard had felt
it, too! I wanted to—no, I wanted us to feel that again, to share that with
each other again. I slowly nodded my head and moved the condom over to the
nightstand. Gerard looked where I had moved the condom to and back to me. I
told him in reply to his odd look that I wanted to build up to it. He smiled
with understanding then kissed me with just enough passion for it to melt away
all of my fears but soft enough that I could feel the powerful emotions
stirring between us.
We kept kissing, only coming up for air when we felt like we were about to lose
consciousness. I tried desperately to feel Gerard’s tender, pale skin with my
hands, but his shirt kept getting in my way. I sat up abruptly and started
pulling his shirt off without even allowing him to separate his back from the
mattress. When I finally got his shirt off, thanks to Gerard’s help, I just
threw it in any direction that was away from where we were. That didn’t seem
like enough for Gerard. He quickly took to getting my jeans off of my body,
which was followed by both of us struggling to get the other completely bare
while also being undressed simultaneously. Shoes, socks, pants, and underwear
all went flying, nothing going the same direction. “Away” was all the direction
we cared about.
As soon as we were both stark naked, our mouths and bodies immediately crashed
together, my hands on Gerard’s shoulder blades and Gerard’s hands on my ass,
both of us trying desperately to pull the other even closer. I felt Gerard’s
dick rub against mine, and it caused me to notice just how painfully hard I
was. I’d had enough foreplay. I reached in the drawer and found the lube. Once
Gerard saw what I had, he let out a soft sound I can’t describe and spread his
legs under me. I climbed off his body. With every inch I moved away, the
desperation in my gut to reestablish that contact grew. But I knew I had to do
everything in my power to maintain patience. I knew what I was about to do
couldn’t be rushed.
I sat the way Gerard had sat next to me, off to his side and pulling his knee
towards my hip over my thigh. I put some lube on my fingers and reached my hand
down between his legs. I tried to recall all the details of what Gerard had
done to me so he wouldn’t have to instruct me too much. I slid one finger into
him, and Gerard let out another indescribable soft sound. The first inch just
felt tight around my finger, but past that Gerard’s inside were pillowy soft
and extremely silky feeling. By the look on his face I could tell he was
definitely more used to this that me. After only a few second, Gerard breathed
out “Two,” with an exhale. I knew exactly what he meant, so I did as he asked.
But then I didn’t remember what to do. I slid my fingers in and out a few times
before I hesitated.
When Gerard figured out I was lost, he told me without raising his head off the
pillows that it would be difficult but to spread my fingers apart. I again
followed his instructions. The muscles of his asshole didn't seem to want to
give, but I kept trying. Eventually, maybe after a few minutes, I could tell I
was making progress. I was feeling more confident, so without permission I
pulled my two fingers out and pushed three back in. Gerard didn’t make any
noise this time, but instead I felt him, or probably his hips acting on their
own like mine do, push up against my hand.
It finally occurred to me that I had been so focused on prepping Gerard
properly that I had forgotten everything else. I managed to get myself far
enough up for my lips to touch his. I kissed him while managing to still work
my fingers inside of him. Gerard didn’t seem to have the coordination to kiss
me back very well. I couldn’t help but think I want to be like Gerard someday,
to enjoy this as much as he was. When our lips separated themselves, Gerard
breathed “Now,” over my lips. This one word instruction made me think a little
more, but I understood it. I kissed him again as I pulled my fingers out of
him.
I straddled Gerard as I reached for the condom. For the first time in a while,
Gerard raised his eyes to look into mine. I sensed he wanted to say something,
but he never did. I unrolled the condom over my now leaking dick. I wasn’t sure
I was going to last very long, but I was damn sure going to try! I lubed myself
then Gerard up. I suddenly noticed my lack of forethought; I had forgotten
something to wipe my hand on. I looked around, but Gerard said, “Just use the
sheets. I’ll change them later if I have to,” and he sounded really desperate.
I wiped my hand as close to the edge of the bed as I could.
As I lined the head of my dick up to Gerard’s ass, I realized with shocking
clarity that I was about to give Gerard my second virginity. But that was not a
bad thought by any means. In fact, it was probably the best feeling I had had
all day! You know what, Journal? It WAS the best feeling I had all day, even
better than knowing I have a family again! I touched my dick to his asshole and
pressed myself in. OH FUCK, Journal! There really aren’t words strong enough to
tell you just how AMAZING it felt. I was so completely lost in the bliss of how
warm and tight and soft… and just… just how DAMN WONDERFUL it felt to have
Gerard envelope me like that that I forgot to stop entering him after just the
head of my dick to give him a chance to adjust. I heard Gerard’s pain-laced
voice call, “Frank,” and I quickly froze. He reminded me as gently as he could
with his strained voice to just wait a minute. I blushed and started uttering
apologies. Gerard’s fingertips gently brushed over my reddened cheek as he
shushed me. I started to tell him I didn’t meant to hurt him, but he cut me off
with, “I know, Frankie. It’s an amazing feeling, though, isn’t it? Being inside
someone else?” I told him I couldn’t even say how much. Then he told me he just
needed a minute, that it had been a while for him.
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just ran my hands over Gerard’s chest and
stomach watching him breathe. My gaze started traveling down Gerard’s body, and
I realized what I was trying to see. Even though I was embarrassed by it, I
simply HAD to look. I took one last glimpse of Gerard’s face to make sure he
wasn’t watching me, and cut my eyes down to my dick inside of him. I only had
about half my length in him, but it was a REALLY hot sight, and my hips moved
involuntarily. I heard Gerard moan when I did. I brought my gaze back to his
face just in time for him to look up at me. He simply said, “Slowly.” I nodded,
and he smiled. He slid one of his hands into mine and put our hands, the back
of his against the mattress, beside the side of his head, pulling me down over
top of him. I could feel myself going deeper into Gerard as I leaned over him.
I felt my abdomen press flush against Gerard’s ass. I was completely inside of
him now, and just… WOW!! And I hadn’t even started moving yet! But I needed
something before I did. I pressed my mouth firmly over Gerard’s and kissed him
with all the feelings that were filling my body, mind, and soul. It seemed like
Gerard was kissing me back with those same feelings. As I broke the kiss off, I
pulled out of Gerard just slightly. Slowly I pushed back in, and the friction
on my dick had my head swimming. I was now certain I wasn’t going to last long.
I pulled out and thrust back in again. I made a split second decision I had to
do something to Gerard or I was going to cum LONG before him, so I reached down
to wrap my hand around his dick. I was surprised to find Gerard’s own hand
there. Through his labored breathing he managed to tell me to just focus on
what I was doing for now. Not for selfish reasons, I was completely okay with
that! I was seriously struggling to focus on just one thing. I closed my eyes
and just let the pleasure wash over me. After what seemed like forever, I
couldn’t hold my head up any longer; it fell back with my mouth hanging open,
moans and pants escaping me. I heard Gerard call out, “Frankie,” and forced my
head up and my eyes open, my mouth still hanging agape. Our eyes locked
together, and I just knew that was all he wanted, to just look at me. His
expression mirrored mine, eyes trying desperately not to close and jaw hanging
slack.
And there it was again, that feeling I had wanted! That feeling of being so
close to Gerard, both physically and mentally. And even as cliché and
melodramatic as it sounds, I swear I felt like Gerard and I were one being at
that moment. I know Gerard felt it, too. His eyes softened, and his hand cupped
my sweaty cheek and neck. I leaned my head into his hand. I saw the corners of
his mouth draw up as he tried to smile with his open mouth. Time suddenly
stopped. Everything I was feeling, emotionally and physically, all clicked into
place, and I had a moment of enlightenment. Or maybe it was immaturity and
idiocracy. I didn’t know which. But I couldn’t stop myself. The words formed
themselves on my tongue before I could bite them back.
“I love you, Gerard.”
Time continued to stand still as Gerard seemed to be searching my face for
something. I didn’t know what. Instinctively the motion of my hips slowed. He
wasn’t going to say it back. I had made a complete fool of myself. His hand let
go of mine, and both of his hands grabbed my hips and completely stopped them
from moving. We lay there together, me inside of him and his dick leaking all
over his stomach, both of us panting for air and sweating profusely. I KNEW IT!
I had ruined me giving Gerard my second virginity! That’s what I thought,
Journal. It’s what I really thought… until he spoke. “You mean it, Frankie?” I
looked at him intensely and searched the inner depths of my soul. Yes, I did
mean it and not just because of the sex. I could live for this man under me. I
would follow him to the end of the Earth, and I would die for him if it came to
it. I LOVE HIM!
I shyly looked away, but Gerard’s hand brought my gaze back to his. I nodded
weakly, fighting back tears I hadn’t noticed until then. Gerard smiled at me,
and with the most honest face I have ever seen him wear, he whispered, “I love
you, too, Frankie.” With those five words, I lost the battle to hold back my
tears, and they freely ran down my face. Looking back at it now, Journal, I’m
not even sure why I was crying other than the fact I was just so overwhelmed
with emotions right then. I saw Gerard draw his lower lip in between his teeth,
and I needed to have that lip, BOTH of his lips, pressed against mine right
then.
As our lips collided, time suddenly charged forward again. Gerard moved his
hips under mine, and I started gently but quickly thrusting my dick into him
again. We finally had to separate our mouths so we could breathe again.
Gerard’s hand fell from my face to his dick, and he started to stroke himself
hard. All of the emotions I was feeling and the incredible sensation of
Gerard’s warm, soft insides wrapped around me added to the sight of Gerard
jacking himself off and the contact of his fist ever so lightly brushing up
against my stomach was more than I could handle anymore. I pressed my hips as
close to Gerard’s ass as I could physically get them, and allowed myself to
fall over the edge with Gerard’s name on my lips.
I managed to look down at Gerard, and he was watching me slip off into the
euphoria of post-orgasmic bliss, his hand still working at bringing him to
where I was. I don’t know how long I leaned over him like that. I was brought
back to reality by the feeling of Gerard clenching his ass around my now overly
sensitive dick. The sounds escaping his throat were that of pure ecstasy. I
immediately collapsed over his chest, not caring that I was smearing his cum
over my stomach. One of Gerard’s hands threaded itself into my hair and
enclosed his fingers around it while his other arm wrapped itself tightly
around my ribcage, like he just couldn’t bear to let go of me quite yet. I know
because I was feeling the same thing.
We were eventually able to untangle ourselves from each other. I grabbed one of
our shirts off the floor for us to clean what we could of ourselves up. Gerard
asked me if I wanted a shower, and I told him no. I told him I was content to
sleep with him on my skin tonight. He sort of laughed and said, “Me, too.” We
surveyed the damage to the sheets and discovered they really hadn’t gotten much
on them so there was no use in changing them. We snuggled back into the bed, me
curled up tightly against Gerard’s chest and Gerard’s hand gently stroking my
hair mindlessly. “You did well to have never topped. I hardly had to tell you
anything,” Gerard said. I slid my head back to his shoulder so we could just
barely make eye contact and told him I had a really good teacher. He chuckled,
and we got quiet again for a while.
I had almost dozed off when Gerard spoke again. “I’ve never told anyone that
before,” was all he said. I should have known what he meant, but in my half
asleep state, my mind wasn’t working properly. I asked him what he meant. He
replied, “I’ve never told anyone I loved them before. Well, outside of family.”
Suddenly the exhaustion of the day’s events drained from my body. I asked him
about Bob. I said he must have loved Bob, considering how hard Gerard had taken
them breaking up. Gerard said he did love Bob on some level. I asked him if Bob
told Gerard he loved him. Gerard nodded and said Bob told him that often, but
he had never been able to bring himself to say those words back to Bob.
I was trying so hard not to, but the words came out of my mouth anyway. “Why
did you say them back to me then?” I mentally kicked myself, but Gerard didn’t
appear affected by those words at all. And he didn’t hesitate to reply,
“Because I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone, even Mikey.
Because I love you, Frank. Not just on some level, but all the levels.” There
was a little silence, and then Gerard asked me why I had said those words to
him to start with. I thought about how to answer that before I spoke, and even
when I did answer I wasn’t sure it was really what I wanted to say. “Because it
felt like I would explode if I didn’t put into words what I was feeling. It
just hit me right at that moment that I would do anything for you, even if that
meant die for you. Isn’t that what love is?” Gerard nodded his head and said,
“Yes. But I hope you never have to die for me, Frankie. That would be a sin
against nature, for someone so close to perfection to die for such an unworthy
soul as mine.”
Those last five words struck me like a bullet. I opened my mouth to argue, to
tell Gerard that I thought he was the near flawless one, but Gerard made eye
contact quickly and said, “Let’s go to bed, Frankie. It’s been a long day.” I
wasn’t going to give up that easily. I took a breath, and opened my mouth
again. “Happy birthday, Frankie.” He was clearly not going to let me speak my
mind. I sighed and settled myself under the covers. Gerard lit him a cigarette
and flipped off the light. I listened to the sounds of him smoking, trying not
to let my thoughts wonder back to Gerard thinking so poorly of himself. He put
out his cigarette and curled his body around mine.
A while later, I felt Gerard jerk, then he mumbled, “Hey, Frankie?” I replied,
“Yeah, Gee.” There was a pause, and then I heard him breathe, “I love you.” I
smiled and said “I love you, too.” Not even a full minute later, I heard
Gerard’s soft snoring telling me he was asleep. I tried to drift off myself,
but I couldn’t hold all this in any longer. I had to write it all down for you,
Journal! I had to tell you about the BEST birthday I have ever had! And I’m
pretty sure I will never have a better birthday!
When I started writing this, there was only a few minutes left of my birthday.
Now it is past three in the morning. I am going to be dead in class tomorrow.
You think Gerard will let me skip? I don’t think so either, but I’m definitely
going to ask him. Maybe he’ll surprise me.
Good night, Journal.
***** November 7, 1999 (Part One) *****
Chapter Notes
     This journal entry is two parts long!
      
     I know I just updated this four days ago, but I feel like updating it
     again. I've been rereading it, gearing up to start writing it again,
     and I'm just all feels about this story! (I hate that term, but it's
     accurate for this.) Hopefully when I start writing it again it will
     be just a good.
Dear Journal,
This morning started out weird. I was supposed to work a mid-shift at work. I
got up like usual. Gerard was just sitting at the table drinking coffee. I
kissed him good morning and got myself something to eat. Mikey came in as I was
close to being done with breakfast. We chatted for a couple of minutes. I put
my dishes in the sink and headed off to get a shower. I got washed, dried off,
and dressed to head to work. I walked back into the bedroom. Gerard was sitting
on the side of the bed, his ankles crossed and sort of leaned back propped up
on his arms. And then things got weird.
Weird thing number 1: Gerard asked me why I was wearing my work clothes. I told
him in the best DUH! voice I could manage, “I have to work.” He sat upright,
lit a cigarette, and then finally said, “No you don’t. I called you in sick,”
like it was common knowledge. Then he took another draw off his cigarette like
it was nothing. I told him he couldn’t do that because I wasn’t sick. He took
yet another draw (I think he was playing with me making me wait for answers!)
and then said, “You rarely take sick days.” He rested his cigarette on the edge
of the ashtray and walked over to me. He put his hand on my forehead, made a
thinking face, and then proceeded to feel me up. He casually walks back over to
the bed, sits back down, and picks his cigarette back up. As he’s lifting it to
his lips, he says, “Besides, you don’t feel so good to me.” I knew he was
toying with me for sure now. I told him a week ago I felt fine to him, if not
better. He said people can get sick really fast sometimes. I just raised an
eyebrow at him. He kept this oddly casual face he had had the entire
conversation as he walked over to the dresser and dug out clothes from my
drawers.
Weird thing number 2: Gerard picked out clothes for me to wear. He walks over
to me, hands me the clothes, and tells me I’ll start feeling better after I
change my clothes. I smirked and asked Gerard what he was up to. He kissed my
forehead and said “I’m helping you feel better.” I knew Gerard had something
going on, but I also knew the only way I was going to find out what it was was
to play along. So I changed my clothes. Gerard had picked out my tightest jeans
and one of my favorite band t-shirts. I pulled off my work clothes and tossed
them on the bed. I wiggled my legs into my jeans, buttoned and zipped them, and
then pulled my shirt on.
Weird thing number 3: Once I was dressed, Gerard put my shoes on me. Seriously,
Journal!! Like I was a kid or something! He patted the bed for me to sit down,
and then he proceeded to put my shoes on me! When he had tied them to his
liking (I guess? What in the hell was he doing putting my shoes on me?!), he
patted the tops of my feet, and said kind of sing-song-y, “Let’s go out. You
want to?” Well, at this point, I would have felt bad saying no, so it’s good
thing he had seriously piqued my interest as to what in the hell was going on.
I sort of nodded my head, still looking at him like he had grown a THIRD head,
because by now two heads just wouldn’t have seemed strange in the least.
Weird thing number 4: Mikey was acting strange. As Gerard and I entered the
living room and headed for the door, Mikey turns from his place on the sofa and
asks Gerard if we’re ready to go. And it was obvious Mikey knew more than I
knew about what was going on. Gerard replied, “Yep. I just have to get
Frankie’s hoodie and coat.” Gerard reached in the coat closet and produced my
coat and helped me put it on. Then he pulled his own jacket on before grabbing
my favorite Black Flag hoodie out of the closet. I heard Mikey tell us to have
a great day. He paused and then added to himself, “Good luck, Frank.” when he
thought I couldn’t hear him anymore (I guess? Metal note, remember to ask Mikey
about the “good luck” comment!)
That was about where the weird ended. After that Gerard just seemed to be
excited and keeping a secret. After driving for a few minutes with only the
radio for background noise, I reached over and turned it down a little. I
figured I wasn’t going to get an answer, but I asked anyway, “Gerard, where are
we going?” Gerard glanced at me, his face radiating love and affection at me,
and asked, “Have I ever taken you out on a date before, Frankie?” I had to
think about that one for a minute, and the answer I came up with actually
surprised me: no, Gerard and I had never been on an “official” date. I didn’t
have to answer Gerard’s question, though. He already knew the answer; he was
just waiting for me to answer that question for myself. As soon as he realized
I had an answer, he said, “I’m taking you out on a date, Frankie, a really
cheesy date. I think it’s been too long already.” I didn’t say it, but I’ve
never been on any dates actually. Gerard was unknowingly giving me another
first.
I didn’t question him anymore. I decided to let Gerard have his fun. A few more
minutes later, we pulled up to the movie theater. Gerard found a parking spot
and told me before he got out of the car to not open my door. I thought that
was kind of odd, but I waited. Gerard got out of the car and walked around to
my side of the car. Then he opened my door and said as he extended his hand
towards me, “Shall we?” I took his hand and got out of the car, a smile
seemingly etched permanently on my face. He wrapped my hand around his arm and
patted the top of my hand.
We walked up to the ticket booth, and Gerard didn’t even have to look at the
display board. The lady behind the glass asked if she could help us and Gerard
asked for two tickets to House on Haunted Hill. Gerard paid for the tickets,
and the lady handed him the two tickets and told us to enjoy the show. We
walked into the theater. The smell of freshly popped popcorn greeted us warmly.
My arm still in Gerard’s, we walked up to the concession counter. He told me to
order whatever I wanted. The kid—he was definitely younger than me—behind the
counter asked what he could get for us. Gerard asked me “Popcorn and a soda?” I
told him “and Skittles.” He ordered, and the kid went to getting our order
together. Gerard pulled out more money, and I asked him to let me pay for the
movie snacks. He smiled at me, placed a kiss on my lips, and simply said, “My
date, my treat.” I didn’t argue with him.
We sat in the middle of the theater seating half way up the aisle, so we were
literally in the center. Gerard pulled me close, and we nibbled on popcorn
while we waited for the movie to start. Soon the movie started, and we snuggled
in to watch it. It was a pretty good movie, a horror flick, from what I could
see of it. About fifteen minutes into the movie, Gerard’s hand found its way
into my lap. He wasn’t intentionally teasing me, I don’t think. But I was
completely unable to focus on anything other than the warmth of his hand on the
inside of my thigh and the small circular motions it was moving in. As the
movie neared its end, I was painfully hard and close to needing to jack myself
off in the restroom, with or without Gerard’s help.
I finally grasped his hand, a little tighter than I meant to, and lifted it off
my leg. Gerard immediately looked at me with a very concerned expression. I
tried to tell him about my “problem”, but he couldn’t hear me over the movie.
So I pulled his hand down and placed it on my hard dick. In the flickering
light of the movie, I could see Gerard’s face go through a series of
emotions—shock, guilt, sympathy, lust—in a matter of seconds. He quickly pulled
his hand away and squeezed mine, mouthing (or he could have been actually
talking for all I could hear), “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” I smiled softly at
him and mouthed back, “I know.” He pulled my head towards him and placed a kiss
on my lips. As best we could with an armrest between us, Gerard wrapped his arm
around my shoulders and snuggled me close.
By the time the movie was over, most of the blood had finally drained from my
dick. We got up and started to head out of the theater. We had our arms wrapped
around each other’s waist. From behind us, I heard someone call out “FAGS!” and
then a group of them started laughing. I tried to turn to see them, but
Gerard’s hand caught my chin. I looked to him, and he said, without a hint of
anger or anything, “Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing their insults
hurt you, Frankie.” Gerard’s lips pulled into a tight smile, and only then
could I see the hurt in his expression. I don’t really know if I was trying to
make a statement or cheer up Gerard or what, but I leaned over and pecked his
lips. Gerard’s fake smile turned into a genuine full smile then, even as the
comments about how they didn’t want to see “gay ass sex” roared in disgusted
tones from behind us.
We made it back to the car, and I thanked Gerard for the date. He said, “I’m
glad you’re enjoying it, but it’s not over yet.” Then he smiled at me as he
turned to back out of the parking space. Suddenly the stock phrase “dinner and
a movie” popped into my head, and I knew we were headed to eat somewhere.
Gerard drove for a while, half singing along with some of the songs on the
radio. I don’t get to hear Gerard sing very often, mostly when I’m
eavesdropping on him in the shower, but he can actually sing. I just looked at
him, really looking at his features and the contours of his face, as I watched
him singing. He seemed really and truly happy.
***** November 7, 1999 (Part Two) *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It took us a while to get there, but we finally pulled up to an Italian
restaurant I’ve heard of. And I know it is pretty pricey. But when I stated
that fact to Gerard, he told me, “I know, but I’m paying for the atmosphere…
it’s romantic atmosphere to be exact.” I had never been inside the place, so I
wouldn’t have known what it was like inside. Gerard led me to the door, and as
soon as he opened it, I could already see what he was talking about. The place
was dimly lit, with small candles burning here and there. Gerard walked up to
the hostess pedestal and told the lady we had a reservation under the name Way.
The lady checked her papers, picked up two menus, and told us to follow her.
She led us all through the dining room, which was just as dimly lit as the
foyer area was. The tables were set with white tablecloths, and each table had
three candles in red glass holders in the center of it. All of the wait staff
were wearing dark pants, white button up shirts, matching dark ties, and aprons
tied around their waists. The lady stopped at a table directly next to a
fireplace with a small fire going in it, and said, “Your requested table, Mr.
Way.” Gerard nodded once at her, and then pulled my chair out. I sat and
watched Gerard take his seat. The hostess gave us our menus and informed us of
the specials of the day. She asked for our drink orders. I opened my mouth to
speak, but Gerard beat me to it, “We’ll have a bottle of your house Merlot… and
two waters with lemon.” I was unable to close my mouth. The hostess checked
Gerard’s ID, and then said, “Very good, Mr. Way. Your waitress should be right
out with that.” She walked away.
I was still trying to catch flies. Gerard looked at me, smiled, and said
softly, “While you look adorably cute sitting there in shock… or awe,
whichever… you really should close your mouth.” I managed to pull my lips
together, but I still had confusion written all over my face. Gerard scoffed
lightheartedly at me and told me it was just a little red wine to go with
dinner. But the look on his face is what pulled me out of my daze. He was
feigning high society with all his might. I couldn’t stop a snicker from
turning into a full giggle. Gerard’s façade quickly fell, and he began to
giggle with me. An older, obviously dignified couple sitting next to us threw
us a death glare, which just drew more laughter from us both.
We finally managed to get our giggle boxes turned right side up again, and
shortly after a tall blonde approached our table with a dark, glass bottle. She
presented it to Gerard, who nodded his head approvingly. She uncorked it and
poured two glasses of dark liquid. She placed the bottle on the table and asked
if we were ready to order. Gerard told her we would need another moment. As she
walked off, Gerard picked up his glass of wine and took a sip. I just watched
him. When I didn’t mirror the action, Gerard told me to try it. As quietly as I
could and still be heard, I reminded Gerard I was underage. “It’s just wine
with dinner, Frankie. I’m not taking you out bar hopping.” When all I did was
pick up the glass, Gerard added, “They don’t know you’re underage. And there’s
no one back home to punish you.” That sounded logical enough, so I took a sip.
It wasn’t too terribly bad, but I wasn’t fond of the bitter flavor. Gerard told
me it would grow on me and quickly changed the subject by asking me what I
wanted to eat.
I knew what I wanted, even though I had yet to look at the menu. But nearly
every Italian restaurant that’s worth eating at has it on the menu: Eggplant
Parmiggiana. Gerard had obviously been here a time or two. When I told him what
I wanted, he said I wouldn’t be disappointed and that he was having their
Spinach Tortellone in their handmade Alfredo sauce. I said that sounded good,
too. The waitress made her way back over to the table and took our order. Then
she hurried away again. Gerard took my hand in his and kissed each of my
knuckles, earning us another death glare from Mr. Dignified Couple. I didn’t
care. I leaned across the table and mumbled seductively that I wanted those
lips on places other than my fingers. Gerard smirked and ever so barely sucked
the tip of pinkie finger in between his lips. He only kept it there for maybe a
full second, but it was enough to make my eyelids flutter. Gerard kissed the
top of my hand and then laid our still intertwined hands down on the table.
In what seemed like no time, our food arrived. And it was REALLY good! After a
few bites of mine, Gerard held his fork out to me with a tortellone on the end
of it, offering me a taste. I let Gerard feed me the bite of pasta, and I
savored the flavor of the feta cheese mixed with the spinach and Alfredo sauce.
It was just as wonderful as my meal was. I cut Gerard off a bite and offered it
to him the way he had me. He ate it and said it was better than usual tonight.
The rest of dinner we hardly spoke. We just looked at each other or the small
fire in the fireplace beside us. I couldn’t help but notice how amazing Gerard
looked in the light the fire was putting off. When he was looking at me, half
of his face was slightly covered in shadows, and when he was looking towards
the fireplace, I swear I could almost see the reflection of the flames dancing
in his eyes.
He caught me looking at him at one point; I had stopped eating just to watch
him. He asked me if I was done. I really wasn’t, but I had eaten enough to
stave off the hunger pangs. I just wanted to get Gerard back home. Gerard
poured each of us a little more wine, and I noticed we had finished off the
bottle. I tried to think about how much I had drank and eventually decided I
had drank at least three, if not four, glasses on my own. Gerard had had more
than me.
Soon the waitress reappeared with a couple of takeout boxes and the check. I
noticed as she handed Gerard the check, he didn’t look at it but instead pushed
some cash into her hand and told her to keep the change. She thanked him more
than I thought was necessary… or either Gerard had just given her a really nice
tip. We stood from the table, and I noticed my legs seemed the slightest bit
unstable. But it didn’t matter; Gerard was beside me, my arm wrapped around his
again like it had been all night.
Once again we were back in the car. I was pretty sure we were headed home now,
so I decided I wanted to tease Gerard a little. I reached my hand into Gerard’s
lap and began palming him as he drove down the road. Gerard smirked and shot me
a quick, sideways glance. That just encouraged me on. I let my hand vacate his
lap to relocate to the button and zipper of his jeans. Between the seatbelt and
his seated position, it took me a little more effort than usual to get them
undone. But once I did, I slide my hand back down to Gerard’s dick from inside
his pants. Gerard moaned and pushed his hips forward into my hand. The harder
Gerard’s dick grew, the faster he drove. I’m surprised we weren’t pulled over
for his speeding.
But we were home in no time. I didn’t wait for him to open my door this time,
and I didn’t figure he cared. (Besides, he was having to do his pants back up.
LOL!) We both wanted in our bedroom and out of our restrictive clothing. We
burst through the front door, making Mikey jump. Gerard was dragging me by the
hand. He said, “Hey, Mikey. Bye, Mikey,” as we crossed through the living room.
I heard Mikey groan as I was pulled out of the living room and into the hall.
Gerard practically slammed the bedroom door trying to close it as fast as
possible. But it still wasn’t fast enough. I had peeled my jeans and underwear
off into a puddle around my ankles before the door was shut. Gerard laughed
when he saw me. I pulled my shirt off and asked him what. He said, “You’re
drunk, aren’t you?” I thought about it for a minute. Okay, yes, I might have
been a little tipsy. Oh, fuck off, Journal! I’ve never drank anything before,
and I did have four or five glasses of wine with dinner. Anyway, I kind of
giggled and shook my head yes. Gerard giggled back—he obviously wasn’t the
slightest bit drunk—and said maybe we should call it a night.
Uh, NO! I was fucking horny, and I was going to have sex with him! And I told
him so… in so many words and actions. My actions were to stumble over to the
nightstand with my pants and underwear still around my ankles and get a condom
and the lube out of the top drawer. Gerard took them from me when I handed them
to him and laid them on the nightstand, saying we still had to work up to the
main event. I sat—fell—down on the side of the bed. Gerard giggled at me again
and took my pants off my ankles finally. Then he took to getting himself
undressed. By the time he was naked, I had laid back across the bed. I was
definitely buzzing. Gerard started kissing a trail up my body from my knee to
my neck, intentionally missing the parts I wanted him to touch the most. Our
lips crashed together, and even through the alcohol I could tell it was
sloppier and more lust filled than our normal kisses were. And I was perfectly
fine with a night of lustful, animalistic fucking for once.
Gerard didn’t seem to mind it either. He was all over my body sucking,
touching, kissing, gripping, and breathing on my skin. I just gave Gerard total
control, and he knew it. I felt him nudge my legs apart with his hand. I opened
them some, and I felt Gerard’s fingers push into me. I pushed against his hand,
whimpering that it wasn’t enough. Gerard ran his hand through my hair and told
me he knew I felt like that now, but I would thank him in the morning for
taking the time to do it. He also said he could make it enough for a few
minutes. I asked how he was going to manage that. Instead of answering with
words, Gerard did something, and I could have sworn I had just cum! Gerard
laughed at my reaction, which was to clutch for the sheets desperately and moan
loud enough for the neighbors to hear me, and did whatever it was again.
When I could finally pry my eyes open to look at him, he was smiling at me and
said, “I told you you’d like me playing with your prostate from the inside
better.” And then he did it AGAIN! I just knew I was going to die of pleasure
right then! Gerard pulled his fingers out shortly after, and I really didn’t
think he was getting the condom on fast enough! I swear he was moving in super
slow motion. I thought I was going to have to push him over and rape him!
Luckily for me, he finally pushed his dick into me, moaning in relief as he
did! Maybe it was the alcohol, but I was feeling no pain at all. I pulled his
body down to mine, and our mouths crashed together again.
Gerard tried to take it slow at first, but I wouldn’t let him. I forced him
into a fast pace. He finally gave up trying to fight me and gave me what I
wanted! And when Gerard let go, he REALLY let go! And it was FANTASTIC! It
really was just animalistic fucking! I could tell by the sounds coming from
Gerard that he was enjoying himself, which just made things all the more
intense for me! I hadn’t even been paying my own dick any attention, so when I
came, it took me by complete surprise. I remember calling Gerard’s name as I
came, trying to tell him it was coming, but I was too late. He smiled sloppily
at me and rammed into me a few more times. When he came, I could feel it in his
whole body! All his muscles tensed, and he jerked a little. Just WOW, Journal!!
That’s all I can say! Just… WOW!!
He fell down over top of me. We were a just a pile of sweaty bodies both trying
to get enough oxygen into our lungs while our hearts worked frantically to get
it out to our limbs. Gerard finally regained his composure and pulled out of
me. I felt his fingertips on my asshole, and I gave him a confused look. He
panted out that he wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. I nodded and let my
head fall back on the pillows. Apparently I wasn’t because Gerard snuggled up
beside me, wrapping me up tightly in his arms. We were both asleep just minutes
later.
Now I’m up with a headache. We never turned the lights off, so that woke me up.
I took some acetaminophen and figured I would tell you all about it while I
waited for it to kick in. My ass is a little sore, too. But it was SO worth it!
I wouldn’t change a thing about any of it! Now, I’m going to tell you good
night, Journal. I’m cutting out the light, and I’m going to cuddle up next to
the best person I’ve ever known, the man I love, and go back to sleep!
Good night, Journal!
Chapter End Notes
     The restaurant Gerard took Frank to is actually based on an Italian
     place my husband, then boyfriend, took me to for our first date on
     Valentine's Day. He was the first guy that had the nerve to ask my
     Daddy permission to take me out. Fortuantely, both my Daddy and I
     love my husband to pieces!
     Hugs and loves!
     Miz
***** November 25, 1999 (Part One) *****
Chapter Notes
     This journal entry is two chapters long. (I personally love the
     second part, but you'll just have to wait. Hahaha, I'm so mean.)
     After these two chapters, the journal entries will go back to one
     chapter per journal entry for a while.
Dear Journal,
Happy Thanksgiving! Do you know what today signifies? Well, not exactly the
date, but the holiday I mean. It’s the day I first met Gerard! I met him one
year ago on Thanksgiving! And Mikey so kindly reminded me, and everyone else,
sitting around Thanksgiving dinner today. But we’ll get to that part. Let me
just tell you about Thanksgiving…
Donna had called yesterday to make sure we three were coming to dinner, as if
we had a choice in the matter. So this morning, we all got up and got ready to
head over there. Since no one had to work, no one got up before ten. We all
share one bathroom, so it was going to take us a while for all us to be ready
to go. Well, Mikey went first in the bathroom, which was a HUGE mistake! To be
the only straight guy in the house, he takes a LONG time to get ready to go! By
the time he finally emerged from the bathroom all prim and proper as any gay
man, there wasn’t a lot of time left for Gerard and me.
Gerard decided we could “save some time” by showering together. Uh-huh. Because
the two of us together and naked in a small enclosed space is about the best
way I can think of for us to WASTE time, not save it. But when I tried to tell
him that, he kissed me chastely and said we could make it work. I rolled my
eyes at him, knowing what was going to end up happening in the shower, even if
I couldn’t name the exact action.
We climbed into the shower, and things started out alright. Gerard let me under
the water first, so I got my body and my hair wet. Then we switched places so I
could shampoo my hair while Gerard got wet. Then we switched again, so I could
rinse and Gerard could shampoo. We switched a few more times, but let me tell
you something about switching places in a small shower, Journal. There is NO
way to changes places and NOT have to slide your bodies together! And you’re
all wet and slick, and the shower is so hot and steamy, it’s REALLY hard to not
get turned on. I have to give Gerard credit, though; he REALLY tried. But
eventually, he was rock hard. And so was I. We slid past one another again,
facing each other. Gerard was looking at me so beautifully, and that combined
with the sensation of his dick brushing across mine, I couldn’t stop a deep
sound from pushing its way out of my throat. Then all it took was Gerard
breathing into my ear, “Please?” I bit my lower lip and nodded at him. I didn’t
know what I had just agreed to, but I REALLY didn’t care!
Gerard dropped to his knees in the shower. The spray of water was hitting the
top of his head, and several chunks of his hair got caught in the rivulets of
water running down his face. Gerard was more focused on other things and I
thought he looked absolutely stunning right then, so neither of us cared to
move them. Gerard wrapped his fingers around the base of my erection and
adjusted the angle just slightly. And then he slid his lips around the head of
my dick and down my shaft until his lips met his fingers. He started moving his
head, and as he added in moving his tongue around, I had to brace myself in the
shower to keep my knees from buckling.
After a short time, and many gasps and moans later, I felt the fingertips of
his other hand graze their way up the inside of my leg. They moved between my
legs, and I felt Gerard’s fingertips brush against my ass. I looked down at
him, and all I could see was white lines of his scalp where the water was
parting his black hair. I raised my leg and propped my foot on the edge of the
tub, allowing his fingers access to where they wanted to venture. Gerard
glanced up at me, water droplets dripping off his eyelashes, and I nodded. He
pulled his mouth off my dick for a minute and poured a small amount of hair
conditioner on his fingers. I gave him a questioning look and started to ask
him what he was doing, but he spoke up before I could form any words. “It’s a
good lube substitute,” he said softly, and then threaded his hand back between
my legs.
His mouth closed over my dick again at the same time I felt a couple of his
fingers push inside of me. Gerard continued to create gentle suction on my dick
while he worked his fingers in my ass. I could tell he was preparing me sex and
not just fingering me. But I was so close to cumming that when he pressed
against my prostate, he pushed me over my edge. I put my hand on his head and
pulled him off a little, but I wasn’t fast enough; I came in his mouth with
practically no warning. He didn’t seem to care. When I was done, he leaned his
head over just slightly and spit into the running water on the tub bottom. He
carefully stood up and rinsed his mouth out with the shower water.
I was still riding out my post-orgasm when I felt his lips tickling the side of
my neck. They were slick from just sucking me off and the water from the
shower, so he slid them up my neck, over the edge of my jaw, and to my lips. He
kissed me gently and then pulled back so that our lips were barely touching. I
mumbled “Fast shower, huh?” against his lips. When he giggled at me, I could
feel his chest moving against mine. “This is a good shower, though” he replied.
To help try and speed things along just a little, against my own desires I
might add, I turned and pressed my back to his chest—and not so coincidentally,
my ass against his hard dick—allowing my head to fall back on his shoulder. He
pushed my head to turn my face towards his and kissed me once again. While we
kissed, I ran one of my hands back behind me, over his hip, and as far over his
ass as my arm length would allow. He broke the kiss and ran his hands down the
length of both my arms, taking the tops of my hands in his palms. As he moved
my hands towards the shower wall, he said, “To steady us both.”
He gently placed my palms against the tiles, positioning them just so. Then he
ran his hands back up my arms, down my back, and over my hips. I felt one of
his hands abandon its spot on my skin while his other hand spread my ass cheeks
a little. Even though I had just came, I felt myself growing hard again as he
pushed his dick into me. As he started thrusting, I heard him growl lowly. The
sensation of the warm water running over my back was replaced by the feeling of
Gerard’s muscles moving under his skin. He covered my hands with his own and
continued to push into me. As I neared climax—again—the force of Gerard’s body
slamming into mine caused my arms give way, and I crashed into the shower wall.
Gerard stopped moving his hips, carefully wrapping his right arm, his stronger
arm, around my chest to pull me off the wall. “You okay?” he asked sounding
very concerned. All I could do was nod. He used his arm to hold me close to his
body and support me, and his left hand found its way to the front of my hips,
offering a little more support.
Soon the warmth of the water began to fade as we ran out of hot water, and I
could tell we were both just right there. Gerard’s left hand made its way from
the spot it had been occupying on my hip to wrap itself tightly around my dick.
Before he could even start pumping me with his fist, I came over his fingers.
It wasn’t but a moment later I felt Gerard’s grip tighten around my chest as he
pushed me further onto himself and finally had his own orgasm. He continued to
support my body and began placing tender kisses on my shoulder as he rode out
his euphoria.
The hot water finally gave out completely, and the shocking cold water brought
us back to our senses. We quickly rinsed off the residue of our acts of
passion, and climbed out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around my waist and
had barely gotten it to stay put when Gerard turned me around and started
examining my head. His fingertips pressed over the place where my face had made
hard contact with the tiled wall of the shower. He smiled softly and placed a
small kiss over my cheekbone and said, “You have a small red place next to your
eye and on your forehead, but I’m pretty sure they won’t bruise. I’m sorry, I
didn’t mean to make you to fall.” I pressed a long kiss to his lips and then
told him, “It’s not your fault I fell, so no apologies. And I’m fine, so stop
worrying about hurting me.” He wrapped his hand in my hair and pulled my face
to his chest in a short hug.
Soon after we were dressed and ready to go. Gerard splashed on a small amount
of his aftershave that I love so much, and we exited the bathroom to find
Mikey. Mikey was sitting on the sofa watching the last of the Macy’s
Thanksgiving Day Parade. As we came into the living room, he gave us one of his
faces and said, “Did you two even get clean in there with all the sex noises I
had to endure?” Gerard ruffled Mikey’s hair, knowing it would irritate him, and
told him it wasn’t our fault the walls were too thin. Mikey jumped away from
Gerard’s hand and started smoothing his hair back down, calling out, “Hey, hey,
hey! I just got my hair fixed! And the walls aren’t too thin! You two are too
loud!” After Mikey was sure he had corrected the nonexistent damage done to his
hair, he flicked the TV off, and we all headed towards Don and Donna’s.
***** November 25, 1999 (Part Two) *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Once we got there, Gerard let us in. As soon as he opened the door, the aroma
of Donna’s cooking surrounded us. It smelled delicious, and the smell only grew
stronger as we made our way into the kitchen for them to greet their mother.
After Donna had hugged and kissed both of her boys, she didn’t hesitate to
include me. And I found myself happily noticing that it seemed normal now; no
longer did I feel awkward when she embraced me in one of her motherly hugs and
kissed my cheek as if I were one of her own children.
Mikey asked where Don was, and Donna said she had forgotten the cranberry sauce
so he had went to see if he could find a store open somewhere. She quickly
asked where Alicia was, and Mikey informed her that Alicia’s mom should be
dropping her by soon, that they were having a little family get-together over a
small brunch. Donna returned to her cooking, and I offered to help her. Her
face lit up, and she looked around to find me something to do. Gerard quickly
cut in with, “Nothing that involves him actually cooking, Ma. He burns just
about everything.” Donna scoffed at Gerard and smacked him on his arm and said,
“At least he’s offering to help, lazy bones. And he just needs a mother to
teach him to cook is all.” She turned back to me and winked.
Soon after, Donna was showing me how to make all sorts of things, and Mikey,
Gerard, and Don were in the living room trying to find something to watch on TV
other than football. At one point I heard a lively discussion about watching a
movie, but Don was adamant he wasn’t watching anything that was about vampires,
demons, or sci-fi. That pretty much ruled out nearly every movie that Way
brothers will watch. I still don’t know what they settled on because Alicia
made her way into the kitchen. She greeted us both with a hug and asked me
playfully, “So are you a Way woman today?” Before I could retort back, Donna
said “I’m teaching him to cook! Poor boy doesn’t know a thing!” in a way that
made me feel like she was actually my mother and enjoying having me in her
kitchen.
I heard someone else arrived, and Gerard came into the kitchen to check on
dinner. He nuzzled up behind me as I was stirring the gravy and asked if his
mother was embarrassing him with stories from his childhood. I was quick to
reply, “No, we’re saving that for during dinner so I can watch you blush!”
Donna quickly pecked my cheek with a kiss and told me she thought that was a
“fabulous idea!” Gerard made a whining sound, and Donna was quick to tell him
that no one had even thought of that until he brought it up so it was his own
fault. Gerard let out an exaggerated sigh and then said, “Fine, Ma. But I have
to steal Frankie away for a minute. Grandma’s here, and I want to introduce
him.” Donna dismissed us by saying that dinner was nearly done now anyway and
that she was going to start setting things up for everyone to eat anyway.
Gerard wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and actually picked me up off
the floor. He carried me all the way into the living room. I couldn’t help but
giggle at Gerard’s excitement all the way there. I could hear an unfamiliar
female voice calling, “Gerard! Put that poor boy down! He can walk, I’m sure of
it!” He eventually set me down in front of someone that I could definitely was
related to Gerard. She was your typical grandma-looking person, older woman
with short, curly, white hair. But she had the warmest expression I had ever
seen on her face. I just wanted to hug her before I even knew who she was!
Well, she was obviously Gerard and Mikey’s grandmother, but I meant before I
was formally introduced.
Gerard quickly stated with the same excitement, “Grandma, this is my Frankie.
Frankie, this is my Grandma.” And then he kissed my cheek. She reached out her
hands for one of mine, carefully enclosing it as if I’d break. “So you’re the
young man that has stolen my Gerard’s heart. It’s nice to meet you at last,
Frank,” she said. I blushed and told her it was nice to meet her as well.
Before we could speak anymore, Donna called us all for dinner.
We made our way to the table. I saw where Gerard and Mikey learned their
manners for their mother from; Don immediately gave his chair at the head of
the table to Gerard and Mikey’s grandmother. For a few minutes, the only sounds
were of utensils clinking against glass serving dishes and plates, and a few
times someone asking “Would you please pass me…” this or that. We finally
settled in to eat. Gerard’s grandmother took a few bites and then complimented
Donna on how wonderful everything was. Donna thanked her but said, “I had help,
though, Grandma. Alicia and Frank helped cook as well.” Gerard’s Grandmother
told Donna it must be nice to have such wonderful helpers now days, and then
she turned her attention my direction. “So Frank, what do you do?” I started to
answer, but I stuttered when I realized I didn’t know what to call her. So I
asked her her name. She smiled politely and said, “Elena Lee Rush. But you can
call me ‘Grandma’ like everyone else, dear.” I addressed her as Grandma and
told her I had a part time job at a bookstore but I was currently in college.
Gerard giggled and told me she meant creatively. I looked at him confused,
trying to figure out how he would know. He smiled at me and said, “Grandma’s
had me drawing, painting, singing, and anything else creative she could get me
to do since I was old enough to hold a crayon. She wants to know that you use
your creativity.” Alicia chimed in and told her that I played guitar and rather
well, too. I tried to tell her I wasn’t that good, but everyone cut me off
saying I really was that good. Grandma told me I’d have to play for her one
day, and then she laughed to herself. I saw her look at Gerard, and then she
started talking.
“Frank, did you know Gerard can sing?” I nodded, and Gerard’s eyes widened at
me. I told him I could hear him in the shower sometimes. He rolled his lips
together to form a line. Grandma said I needed to hear about Gerard’s singing
debut. Gerard gasped and dropped his chin to his chest. I told him it couldn’t
be that bad. He grumbled back, “It’s not ‘that bad;’ it’s worse.” I giggled and
said I HAD to hear this. Grandma told Gerard, “Oh, honey, you were so
adorable!” and I KNEW this was going to be good!
Grandma said Gerard had just started at a new school that year, his fourth
grade year, and she had encouraged him to try something new. So Gerard tried
out for the school play. She got a twinkle in her eye and said, “I was so proud
of him when he came home from school one day and told me he had gotten the lead
part. He was going to play Peter Pan.” I bit my lip as hard as I could to not
laugh, but I couldn’t stop myself. Gerard cut his eyes at me, but I could tell
he wasn’t mad because he had an embarrassed smirk on his lips. Grandma went on
that she made him a costume for the part. She said the night of the play,
Gerard was so nervous, she had to encourage him to step out onto the stage
three times. She said, “Oh I wouldn’t have missed it for the world! He finally
took the stage, and when he did, he sang his little heart out! Oh, Gerard, I
was so proud of you!” I don’t think I had ever seen Gerard so flushed before.
Apparently it was now my turn. Mikey said, “Oh if Frank had known that when he
first met Gerard, they would have NEVER gotten together. Frank was afraid of
Gerard for the longest time!” Donna cried out what for. Mikey told everyone how
Gerard had acted the first time we met. Don looked sternly at Gerard and asked
him if that was any way to treat a guest and friend of his brother. Gerard
sounded like a little boy when he replied, “No sir.” But Mikey wasn’t done. He
told me to tell everyone what I called him. I told Mikey that was over and done
with, that Gerard already knew about that. Mikey said, “No, I just told Gerard
he had given you a bad first impression and that he needed to be nicer to you.
I never told him what you actually said.” I bit my lower lip and looked at my
lap. I heard Gerard say, “I won’t be mad, Frankie. It can’t be as bad as me
being Peter Pan.”
So I told Gerard I had called him creepy to Mikey’s face and that we had ended
up fighting about it for a whole day. Gerard looked to Mikey, who just nodded
his head, and then back to me. He said he WAS creepy, so how was that so bad. I
felt my face burning with blush, and I quickly said that was not the only thing
I called him. Gerard told me it was okay, that I could say it now because I
obviously didn’t think those things anymore. So I told him, “I called you
weird, scary, jerk, confusing… but the worst was…” I couldn’t say it, though. I
looked at my lap again, my cheeks still a dark shade of red, and Gerard ran his
hand through my hair to push it back so he could see my face. He kissed my
cheek and asked me quietly, “The worst one was what?” I took a deep breath and
looked at him. He told me it was okay and kissed me softly. I forced myself to
keep looking at him and said, “I sort of nicknamed you Homosexual Homophobe.”
Gerard just looked at me for a few seconds, and then he surprised me by
laughing. He asked me why on Earth I would call him a homophobe. I said, “The
first time I met you, last Thanksgiving as Mikey just reminded us, you asked me
if I was Mikey’s new ‘gay’ friend like there was something wrong with being
gay.” I didn’t give him a chance to speak before I told him I understood why
now, but I didn’t then. Gerard leaned over from where he was sitting and
wrapped his arms around me, still laughing as he repeated “homosexual
homophobe” to himself.
When Don spoke up, I suddenly remembered we were sitting at the Ways’ dinner
table with the whole family having Thanksgiving dinner. “I think we’ve
embarrassed the new lovebirds enough for one evening,” he said. The rest of the
meal there was just small talk, and unlike last year when I was still a
stranger to nearly everyone, I was completely included in everything. I could
clearly see for myself that just like Alicia was a part of this family, so was
I.
Dinner finally wound down, and Alicia, Donna, and I started clearing the table,
but Grandma made us stop. “You three prepared dinner. I think you’ve done quite
enough for today. Don, Gerard, and Mikey can clean up while we women, and one
man,” she winked at me, “go sit in the living room and rest for a while.”
Gerard and Mikey groaned in unison until Don cleared his throat, and then
together they replied, “Yes, ma’am.”
We four made our way into the living room, and Grandma talked to Alicia and me
about us playing guitar and asking if we ever played together. Eventually Donna
and Grandma were lost in their own conversation. I felt Alicia slide her arm
into mine and snuggle up to me. “They did that to Mikey and me, too, you know.”
I smiled at her and asked her what she meant. She said the embarrassment. She
said it was like part of an initiation into the Way family. I laughed softly
and asked her if that meant we were officially part of the family for real. She
thought for a second and then replied, “Well, I still have one step to go, a
LONG time from now, but I guess you’re about as officially a part of this
family as you can get, for now.” I snuggled into the sofa and Alicia's floral
scent a little further and asked, “For now?” Alicia rested her head on my
shoulder and said, “Until they legalize gay marriage, I mean. Then you and
Gerard can get married for real.”
That thought made me shift uncomfortably. Alicia caught on to my discomfort
quickly. She said she didn’t mean that we were ready now, but she could see it,
especially in Gerard. This girl was perplexing tonight! I asked her yet again
what she meant. She said, “Gerard really loves you, you know. He didn’t even
treat Bob like he treats you. Like, you’re really special to him. And I can
tell you the other Ways didn’t take to Bob like they’ve taken to you. And Bob
was around a hell of a lot longer than you’ve been.” I enjoyed listening to
Alicia talk and what she was saying, enjoying the warm feeling taking over my
chest at her implications. Until I had another realization. “You knew Bob?” She
kind of laughed and said she really didn’t know him, but they had met a couple
of times. I asked her what he was like. She raised her head from my shoulder
and asked, “Why, mister? Are you jealous?” I told her no, that Gerard just
rarely mentions Bob, even though he seemed to have been a big part of Gerard’s
life for a while.
Alicia sort of shrugged her shoulders and made a face. Then she said, “Probably
for good reason.” She went on that it was obvious that when Bob was around, on
the very rare occasion that Gerard would bring him around, he was putting up a
fake front for everyone. She said that Gerard would be affectionate with Bob,
holding his hand and small stuff, but Gerard never acted with Bob the way he
does with me. I asked her how Gerard acts with me. She said the way he touches
me, hugs and holds me, and even kisses me in front of everyone, like he’s not
afraid for the whole family, or maybe even the whole world to see.
Donna pulled Alicia into their conversation for a short while, and I sat
quietly listening to the murmur of their conversation in the background of my
own thoughts. My mind drifted back to the night of my birthday, when Gerard and
I had first told each other “I love you” and how he had told me he had never
said that to anyone before. I thought about how he seems cautious to not over
say it, but when he does, it’s always just the right time and stated like he’s
telling me the secret to life. I felt Alicia shake my leg, and I focused my
attention back in the room. All three of them were looking at me. I apologized
and asked them what did they say. Donna chuckled at me and said, “Honey, he’s
just in the kitchen. You’re not forbidden from going in there.” I smiled and
blushed, and then I excused myself. I heard Grandma say, “He’s just smitten,
isn’t he?” and Donna reply, “He’s a wonderful boy. Gerard couldn’t have picked
a better one,” as I walked off.
As I walked into the kitchen, I slowed my pace just a bit to watch Gerard, even
though all I could see was his back. I could hear him laughing at something
someone had said. The sound made even my heart smile, if that’s possible. I
sped up again, practically running to him, and threw my arms around his waist
while burying my face in his back and familiar smell. He jumped, raising his
arms just slightly. I heard Mikey say, “Someone misses his lover.” “That’s
enough, Mikeyway,” Don quickly scolded. Gerard pried my arms from around him so
he could turn to face me and then wrapped my arms back around him before
wrapping one of his own around me and the other hand ran through my hair. “Hey.
What’s going on?” he sounded concerned again. I just kissed him, only daring to
push it as far as to run my tongue over his lower lip even though Don and Mikey
had turned away to give us some privacy by then. I finally broke the kiss.
Gerard smiled at me for moment and then asked me what that was for. I simply
said, “I love you, Gerard.” He pressed his lips to mine before replying back,
“And I love you, Frankie.”
We left shortly after that. Donna sent us home with enough leftovers for us
three to have dinner tomorrow, too. During the ride home, Gerard held tightly
to my hand as he drove. I just listened to him and Mikey going back and forth
at each other. It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them
interact more than just in passing day to day. We got home and put the
leftovers away. Mikey said he was going to head to bed, maybe do a little
reading or school work before he turned out the lights.
Gerard and I headed for our room and got ready for bed. I knew Gerard kept
catching me looking at him, and not in a “fuck me” kind of way, but I couldn’t
help it. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Alicia had told me. I expected
Gerard to bring his art stuff to bed like he normally does when we snuggle in
early. Instead, he climbed into the bed and pulled me close to him but far
enough away that we could see each other’s faces. I still just looked at him.
He finally asked, “What did my mother do to you?” I told him she didn’t do
anything to me, which is entirely true! Donna isn’t the one who said anything!
His eyebrows knitted together, and he asked me if I was okay. I told him I was
just perfect and snuggled my head into his chest. He tightened his arms around
me, kissed the top of my head, and laid his head on top of mine. After a
minute, I heard him take a breath, and then he asked me if I would tell him if
something were wrong. I assured him again nothing was wrong. He sort of pushed
me away a little bit, so I looked up at him. He said, “I just need to know
you’d tell me if it wasn’t, Frankie. Not just right now, but ever.” I told him
of course I would. He kissed my forehead and gave me a small smile, and then he
simply replied, “Good.”
After that he went to the bathroom. When he came back into the room, he got
together some art supplies, so I started writing to you. But Gerard fell asleep
a long while ago with his pencil still in his hand. I guess I’m going to put
his stuff away and go to sleep myself. Happy Thanksgiving, Journal!
Good night!
Chapter End Notes
     I love this chapter! Frank being a part of the family, helping Donna,
     meeting Grandma, Frank and Alicia having a private moment, and then
     Frank just having that "I just need to see him, touch him!"
     feeling... I enjoy writing these domestic parts as much as I like
     writing the smutty parts.
     I hope you all enjoyed it as much I did writing it!
     xo Miz
***** December 3, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
I went over to Alicia’s yesterday to play some guitar. I just needed to let off
some steam, let go of some stress. And playing music with Alicia is about the
best way I can do that on days like yesterday. Mikey was at work, but I had the
day off. Gerard went with me to Alicia’s, and Mikey met us there after his
shift. After we had just been playing for about an hour, Alicia’s mom came in
the room and asked us if we wanted to stay for dinner. We decided yeah and
started packing up all of our gear. I know everyone was talking during dinner,
but I was so lost in my own thoughts that I couldn’t focus on it.
I have exams next week. I feel so unprepared. I feel like I have so much going
on in my life, and it’s just all moving so quickly. And my exams are just right
here. Gerard keeps saying I just need to relax. He told me one time that he
felt the same before all of his exams too. It’s all just made worse by the fact
that I don’t know what to expect either. I mean, I’ve never taken college exams
before, Journal. Gerard is convinced I’m going to do just fine.
But then, what if it’s all for nothing? I haven’t been paying any attention to
all this stupid “Y2K” crap, but it’s getting hard to ignore now that the new
year is almost here and it’s all over the news. The news is making it out like
there’s going to be major blackouts, system-wide computer failure, and massive
chaos in the streets. I had gone to the grocery store with Mikey the other day,
and some woman was buying a cart full of toilet paper. TOILET PAPER, Journal!
The world is supposed to come to end and all this woman is concerned about is
wiping her ass?! I think the whole world has just gone insane. Thank god Gerard
and Mikey seem to be ignoring this Y2K bug thing as much as me.
Donna came over the other day. It was kind of weird. She said she knew we were
all so busy since the semester was winding down and just wanted to help us out
a little bit. She did all the dishes and picked the place up. Then she
collected all of our clothes and put them in her car. We’ve been using the
laundromat down the street, and quite frankly, I hate it. I feel like the
clothes might be free of dirt when they’re done but they are contaminated with
other people’s germs. Ugh. I think Donna might have had an ulterior motive
though. She kept asking questions about what we would like to have around the
house to make things easier. She asked if Gerard had enough art stuff, because
apparently Gerard can actually get low on that stuff. It’s not like half our
bedroom is full of art supplies. I can’t move in there without finding some
paintbrush or pencil or drawing pad or something! Anyway, I think Donna was
fishing for Christmas present ideas.
Christmas coming up brings up something else. I kind of need to get it out, but
I don’t want to tell anyone. You’ve never told anyone my secrets, Journal, so
I’m going to tell you. This is the first Christmas I’m going to have without my
ex-parents around. No, I don’t miss them, Journal. Not at all! It’s just… weird
I guess. Last Christmas I was still living with them, just going to high
school. Now, I have a home with Gerard and Mikey, a job, and go to college. I
mean, I have a whole new family, a much, MUCH better fucking family! Like I
said, Journal, it’s just weird knowing they aren’t going to be around to screw
my life up anymore.
The last time I saw them was that time at the mall. God, what a disaster! I’d
like to think if we run into them again, I’m not going to cling to Gerard to
save me. I’m going to stand tall. I’m going to be proud of myself. And I’m
going to be proud of my boyfriend, of our relationship. After all, Journal,
Gerard is the best person I have ever known. He loves me and I love him, and I
don’t care what those homophobic ex-parents of mine think anymore!
If so much has changed this past year, how different do you think things will
be by next Christmas, Journal? I don’t know either. I can’t even try to imagine
it! Well, I better go study. Bye, Journal.
Chapter End Notes
     This is now officially--FINALLY--caught up to my other sites.
     Unfortunately that mean slower than the usually slow updates. But I
     promise this fic isn't going to be abandoned; I've actually been
     working on the next update today.
     Thanks to everyone who is still reading! Your patience is so
     appreciated!
     Tightest hugs and Frerardy love to all!!
     xo Miz
***** December 26, 1999 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
Merry Christmas! Well, Christmas was actually yesterday, but still. We had
pretty much agreed a few days ago to wait to open presents until we went over
to Don and Donna’s. As per our custom that seems to be becoming our routine on
holidays, we all slept in. Gerard woke me up with a cup of freshly brewed
coffee and a kiss. He told me he was going to leave me to get completely awake
while he went and got cleaned up.
When Gerard came back in the room, I noticed something was off about him. At
first I tried to play it off as just Christmastime excitement. I mean, it’s
presents and good food and time with the family together with no school or work
or anything.
Oh my God, Journal, I am SO. Fucking. PISSED! He asked me at Thanksgiving if
anything were ever wrong if I’d tell him, and I made sure he understood I
would. That hypocritical son of bitch doesn’t have the same courtesy!
Okay, so anyway. Gerard seemed really jittery and just wound tight. He kept
rubbing his hands over his face and scratching his arms. And then on the car
ride over to Don and Donna’s, he kept wringing the steering wheel and gripping
it so tight his knuckles were white and the veins in the top of his hands were
standing out. By the time we got to Don and Donna’s, I swear the tension coming
off Gerard was damn near palpable.
He ran into the house, and I followed close behind. At this point I’m worried
about him and not thinking anything else. He dismissively greets his mother,
and only pats his dad on the back. I at least took the time to properly say
hello before I followed Gerard down into his old room. Gerard seemed to be
looking for something almost frantically. I kind of stood around the corner and
just watched for a minute. Then my stomach dropped down into my toes and my
heart stopped.
Gerard pulled a bottle of pills out of a drawer and took some of them. I don’t
know how many, but the bottle was unlabeled, just a plain, orange prescription
bottle.
I stepped fully into the room and asked as calmly as I could manage, “Gerard?
What are you doing?” My suspicions were confirmed when Gerard jumped like I had
scared the shit out of him. Well, I might actually did, but still. He jerked
around and said, “Oh, Frankie. I just… I ran out at home and I need them.” Like
that was going to make everything okay.
I asked him what “them” were, and he said he had been seeing a psychiatrist and
had been prescribed these pills. Yeah. Right. If that were true, why hadn’t he
told anyone? How could he run out? And why would he have more HIDDEN in a
drawer at his parents’ house in an unlabeled bottle. I just nodded despite my
skepticism, and I acted like I believed him. I wanted to give him a benefit of
the doubt. It just all felt really off to me.
We went back up stairs, and Gerard was suddenly very clingy. He kept wallowing
all over me and holding onto me like he didn’t want me to get out of his sight.
I finally managed to ask Donna if she needed any help in the kitchen. She said
they had ordered Christmas dinner, and everything was almost warmed. I set the
table for her instead, but I could feel Gerard just watching me from the other
room.
Dinner went fine, I guess. I was really a bit distracted. Gerard seemed to pick
at his food more than he ate. He seemed WAY more relaxed than he had earlier.
It started to rub off on me, and I began to calm down. I was almost to the
point of believing him, that he needed whatever it was he took. Until after
dinner.
We all gathered in the living room to open presents. Donna and Don had us open
our stuff from each other first. Gerard practically hijacked the spotlight,
pushing his gifts at us. And it was quite the distraction from his behavior for
a moment. He made us all open them at the same time. And that was because we
all got the same thing. Gerard had given everyone one of the first prints of
his new comic book.
That’s right, Journal! Gerard got published! It was that comic book he had
shown me almost a year ago. He pitched it to one of his supervisors at DC, and
they took it on to whoever, and Gerard got published!! I’m SO PROUD of him!!
Everyone was! And that got Donna going! She said Gerard was going to put his
gift to good use then. As Gerard opened it, I realized his coordination seemed
jerky and broken, but I tried to brush it off as enthusiasm and excitement.
Anyway, Don and Donna had gotten Gerard a professional drawing table.
I was the only one that seemed super stoked about our collective gift. They got
a washer and dryer! I’m so excited! I hate using the Laundromat because you
never know who has used it before you and what kind of germs they left in it. I
really don’t care what you say, Journal! Now I can do laundry whenever I want
without having to schedule it and without having to worry about the germs in
it.
So back to Gerard. All the gifts had been opened, and I was sitting on the sofa
flipping through his comic book when I came across a familiar drawing. It was
one of the ones I had had to throw away before when Gerard had torn up all of
his artwork. My stomach was instantly in my throat. That night a few months ago
made sense suddenly! Do you remember that, Journal? I do! And I felt some anger
slipping back into my system, but at Mikey this time. He knows more than he
told me.
I managed to get Mikey’s attention, and I pulled him away from everyone else
and up to his old room. As soon as the door was shut, I nearly attacked Mikey.
“You had better not lie to me this time, Mikes,” I started. Mikey’s eyes grew
wide, and he asked me what I meant. I asked him if he remembered that night. He
said yeah. So I told him what I had seen Gerard do earlier and then asked him
what he knew about it and if that was what was going on with Gerard that night.
Mikey sighed hard. Then he punched the wall while screaming, “Goddamn you,
Gee!” He sighed again and then turned back to me. He said, “Yes, Frank, I know
about it, but I thought — he told me — he had quit that shit, and I believed
him because he was doing better.” He ran his fingers up under his glasses and
pinched the bridge of nose then went on that he thought that’s what that night
was about. He also said he figured either Gerard hadn’t ever quit or that he
had started again. But he kept watching Gerard, and it seemed to be an isolated
event, so he was trying to protect me from getting hurt and give Gerard the
chance to have a good relationship. Then he lowered his hand and said, “I’m
sorry, Frank.”
I let out a breath. I muttered that he should have told me, that I wouldn’t
have thought anything bad and that maybe I’d have been able to help him watch
out for Gerard. I told Mikey, “I love him, you know. I just want to help him,
Mikes.”
Mikey pulled me in to a hug and told me I was right and he should have told me,
but now I knew and he wasn’t going to keep anything from me anymore. He did
make a lot of sense when he tried to talk me into waiting until after New
Year’s to say anything to Gerard about it. Mikey said that once we were back on
a normal schedule, he and I would have time to sit down and figure out together
what we want to do about it.
When we went back downstairs, Gerard was glaring at us. I think he knew what we
had been talking about. He tried to pull Mikey aside, but I heard Mikey say
through his teeth, “No, Gerard! I’m not talking about his now. Not without
Frank. I’m not hiding this from him anymore.” Gerard sighed hard and dropped
his head, and Mikey walked off.
The ride back home and when we were going to bed, Gerard wasn't exactly being
clingy, but he was being really affectionate, constantly telling me he loved me
and how I was the best thing that had happened to him and I was the best person
he had ever met. I muttered to lets go to bed. Gerard just swallowed and
nodded; he looked completely broken.
We had been laying in the dark for a while, and I knew Gerard was still awake.
I rolled over toward him to face him, and I felt him slide his hand into mine.
I took a breath and told him that I was really mad, but I’m not going to break
up with him over it. I told him that, just like Mikey, I wasn’t going to talk
to him about this alone, that the three of us together would figure it out. But
I made sure to tell him that this problem HAD to be fixed.
Gerard breathed, “Okay, Frankie.” I snuggled into him, putting my head on his
chest, and he quickly fell asleep, hardly loosening his grip from around me. I
just laid there for a little while longer, and I slowly realized that I was
almost in tears. I’m not really mad at him, Journal. I’m afraid for him and
worried about him. I love him SO much, Journal, and I don’t want to watch him
tear himself apart with... Fuck, Journal, I can’t even write it; I can’t say it
out loud. It just hurts so much!
I’ll keep you posted, Journal.
Chapter End Notes
     You didn't think everything was going to be rosy forever, did you?
     xo Miz
***** January 6, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Wow. Who could have thunk it, Journal? The world didn't end! No major computer
problems. No stock market crashes. Maybe a few hiccups, but nothing that
warranted all that pomp and circumstance. And even on my part, I was so worried
about my damn exams but passed them all. I mean, I didn't ace all of them - or
any of them - but I got all B's and C's. My next semester starts in five days.
I'm not worried about school though. Hell, I might take a break for a while.
What - or should I say who - has all my attention, focus and energy right now
is Gerard. Since Christmas he has gradually reverted back to acting like
there's nothing going on. He even plays stupid when Mikey or me mentions we
need to talk. When I pushed the issue on Tuesday, Gerard actually got pissed
and stormed out of the house!
Mikey said to let it be for a while. Well that set me off. I told him that was
half of Gerard's problem. He's had this addiction for years but everyone keeps
sweeping it under the rug so Gerard just thinks he can put it off until
everyone just stops bugging him about it and leaves him alone. Then I screamed,
"I'm not giving up on him so easily! I actually want to see him beat this and
live past 30!"
Apparently we all got to be pissed. Mikey then rared up at me yelling, "If
Gerard doesn't want to quit, Frank, nothing we do is going to make him!" I said
that was such a lame excuse to give up so quickly on someone he supposedly
loves so much. Mikey snapped back that trying to force Gerard would only make
him withdraw from us and sink further into the pills, that he'd grow resentful.
I should have known better but I was stupid and told Mikey there was no way of
knowing how Gerard felt about it or would react if we didn't try.
Like I said, Journal, I should have known better. I know how much Don, Donna
and Mikey love him. I know how wonderfully supportive they are. I know they
would never just look the other way while Gerard poisons himself. I was just SO
angry!
Mikey was still screaming at me though. He said they had forced Gerard into
rehab two years ago, that they had forced him to take a semester off at college
to do an inpatient program. He said Gerard seemed willing to go but the longer
he was there the more detached he became, more reclusive than he had ever been.
Gerard started acting out, doing things he wouldn't normally do but knew was
against the rules. When he got kicked out of the program for multiple
violations, Dad and Mom was past irate. Mikey said they let him come home at
least but he wasn't allowed to be alone at all, that Gerard was more supervised
than a death row inmate.
By this time we had both calmed down some. I asked Mikey how it worked out. He
said it didn't really. He had left Gerard alone just to go to the bathroom.
When he came back, Gerard was tearing apart his room. He tried to stop him, but
Gerard attacked him. Mikey ran away to call Donna at work. Gerard collapsed
while Mikey was gone and was unconscious when Mikey came back. He called 9-1-1.
Dad and Mom convinced the hospital staff it was an accidental overdose. Gerard
came home after a few days and everyone acted like the past few months had
never happened. Slowly Gerard started being more social again.
Mikey finally told me that he thinks Gerard was scared by the overdose and that
it really wasn't intentional and that Gerard really did quit for a while. He
said he thinks Gerard started taking them again shortly before breaking up with
Bob.
All of a sudden, Gerard spoke up from behind us in a soft, broken tone, "Is
that what you're going to do again?" Mikey and me both jumped. By the look on
Gerard's face, he had been listening for a while. Neither one of us answered
him, so he asked, "I haven't tried to hurt anyone. Am I really that bad of a
person?"
My heart sank from my throat to my toes instantly. He wasn't mad. Gerard was
hurt. I practically ran to him and threw my arms around him. I murmured to him,
"No, baby. We aren't doing that to you again. You aren't a bad person at all!
We're just worried about you, and we don't want to see you hurt yourself. We
love you. I love you!"
Gerard just nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. I think he was crying.
Finally he drew in a long breath and let go of me. He pressed a soft, quick
kiss to my lips and then retreated to our room. I looked to Mikey, and he
motioned for me to follow Gerard. For the rest of the night, Gerard just drew
silently.
Ever since, Gerard has seemed a little reserved. I keep catching him watching
me like he's almost afraid of me. Quite frankly, Journal, it kills me. I would
NEVER just send him away like that! I don't believe it would help him, even if
I didn't know about before! He's too sensitive for that!
I feel like I've lost some of Gerard's trust, and I hope I can earn it back if
so. Last night after he thought I was asleep, he ran his fingers through my
hair for a few minutes before cupping my cheek and kissing me. Then he
whispered to me, "I love you so much, Frankie. Please don't leave me. I promise
I have everything under control and I'm quitting. Just please don't leave me
before I can get better." He took my hand in his, kissed the back of my
fingers, and snuggled up to me with my hand against his face. I only realized
Gerard was crying when I felt his tears dampening my hand.
No matter what, Journal, I won't leave him! I mean it too. NOTHING can make me.
He needs me, and I need him.
Chapter End Notes
     Wow, so it's been almost five months since I've updated this. I am SO
     sorry! To be honest, I've written another 30k plus words for "Sing
     for Me, Pretty," and getting revisions done. I've also gotten a job
     to help me fund my publishing endeavors, but it takes up a lot of my
     time.
     As I have always said, I will not abandon this story! It is always in
     the back of my mind. I know where it's going, and I'm so excited to
     see this thing through.
     For those of you still with me, thank you with all my heart! You guys
     (and Gerard) are my inspiration, and I owe it you to finish this. My
     love to every single one of you!!
     xo Miz
***** January 29, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Hey, Journal. It's been a rough couple of days. Wednesday Gerard seemed like he
was starting to get sick. I offered to stay home with him, but he said he'd be
fine so I went to school. I had to go straight to work afterwards. I tried to
call him between the two but Mikey answered. Mikey should have still been at
school himself. He wouldn't tell me anything except he had come home early to
check on Gerard and that Gerard was sleeping right then.
I had a gut feeling that something was up. I went on to work though. Mikey had
told me he wasn't keeping secrets from me anymore so I tried to ignore that
churning feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I got home from work a little late. Gerard was already in bed. Mikey said
Gerard had eaten some dinner, took a shower and then went to bed but that he
was feeling somewhat better. When I went to look in on him though he looked
worse. His eyes were sunk in looking and his skin was covered in sweat and
really hot. He did seem to be sleeping soundly so I didn't try to wake him up.
Early Thursday morning I was dragged out of a peaceful sleep by a loud
commotion. I noticed immediately that Gerard wasn't in bed with me anymore. I
followed the noises out into the hall. I found Mikey first. He was right
outside of the bathroom looking really worried. I thought his eyes were going
pop out when he saw me coming, but he didn't try to stop me. Actually he took a
step back to let me in.
Gerard was sitting barely upright in the floor hugging the toilet and puking
his guts up. I started to ask Mikey what was going on, but as soon as Gerard
heard my voice, he started whimpering, "Mikey, no. He can't see this." I looked
at Gerard and back to Mikey. Mikey didn't seem to care about Gerard's whining.
He said loud enough that Gerard would hear him, "He's trying to protect your
feelings. He doesn't want you to feel guilty."
I was confused. Why would Gerard being sick make me feel guilty? Looking at
Gerard's expression told me they weren't lying. He looked scared and broken,
and his eyes were turning red from where he was starting to cry.
I went over to him and put my hand on his cheek and kissed the top of his head.
I asked him what was really going on. He started to answer me but ended up
throwing up again. Mikey said from behind me that Gerard felt like I was mad at
him, like we were starting to grow apart so Monday he stopped taking everything
cold turkey. And he didn't just stop, he flushed what he had left so he
couldn't be tempted to take any more.
Then Iwanted to puke. I had no idea Gerard would be this sick if he quit taking
the pills like that! I mean, I've heard of withdrawals but I didn't know he was
that addicted to them! I wanted to cuddle him up in my lap and just make
everything okay. Except he won't fit in my lap and I had no clue how to make
anything better.
I asked Mikey what we could do. He said the first option was to take Gerard to
the hospital. Gerard started to get frantic, but Mikey calmed him down by
saying a little louder that that wasn't a very good option because they would
probably admit him to a rehab facility against his will.
Gerard started gagging again but he couldn't throw up anymore apparently. All
he did was dry heave. I ran my fingers through his hair and asked Mikey what
other options did we have. He said I wasn't going to like it.
I looked at Gerard for a moment. I couldn't stand to see him like that so I was
at least willing to hear it. I told Mikey as much. He made a face and said, "We
figure out how to get him more and ration them out to him."
Mikey was right. I REALLY didn't like that at all. But it was that or crush
Gerard by letting him be forced into rehab again. All I said was okay and
started tending to Gerard.
Eventually me and Mikey managed to get him back in bed and sleeping again. By
then the sun was close to coming up. Mikey said for now Gerard probably had
more at Dad and Mom's. That would probably buy us a little time to figure out
how to get more. I asked Mikey why we didn't just ask Gerard where and how he
gets them. He sighed weakly and said Gerard wouldn't give up his sources, that
Gerard knew once he did that he would have to find new people to get them from.
I knew Mikey had more experience with Gerard's addiction by then so I was
grateful for him honestly.
As Mikey headed out, I stopped him. I told him, "This is just a short term
solution, right, Mikey?" He kind of shrugged one shoulder and said he hoped so.
Encouraging, huh, Journal?
I have no idea what we're doing. I don't even know what pills Gerard is taking.
I'm sure Mikey does, but I'm still trying to cope with knowing I'm now enabling
him. I feel like that's a far cry from helping him.
Anyway, I haven't been to school or work since Thursday. Gerard slept most of
Thursday. And he's barely eating. But he seems to be getting better, if I can
say still taking pills is better.
Gerard knew me well enough though. I'm ate up with guilt. I was adamant about
him quitting and I haven't even been trying to hide my irritation and
aggravation. He knows I love him and he loves me back so much that he did this
to himself to make me happy. He was willing to be miserable for me to be happy.
How did I not see that, Journal?! I am like the WORST boyfriend ever! I was so
stupid and demanded of him the impossible! I still want him to quit, but I get
now that it's not going to happen overnight. Or quickly at all.
I want to be there for him. I want to give him more support than I have been.
He's going to need alot of help that I'm going to need more knowledge to give
him.
Mikey is telling me all he knows, but it's not much. Mom came over Thursday.
Mikey said she knows more and I asked him to call her. The first thing she did
was check on Gerard, who was sleeping. Once she was satisfied he wasn't dying
right then, she turned her attention to me and fussed at me for not sleeping
enough. Then she kissed my head and said, "But I know it's hard to sleep when
he's in such a bad way and you're worried." I started crying. It was like she
had just broken the dam I had put up to keep it all in and my emotion just
flooded out of me.
Mom is the BEST! She hugged me and just swayed me a little until I felt better.
I went to wipe my face and blow my nose, and when I got back, Mom had some
coffee going. She said Mikey had told her I wanted to talk about Gerard's
"nasty habit." I told her I felt like I needed to know more if I was really
going to help him. I explained what had happened and how guilty I felt. Then I
started crying again. She shushed me and said she was going to tell me a
secret.
I watched her wide eyed while she tucked my hair behind my ear. She looked me
right in the eye and said, "I'm glad you did it. You are the first person that
has ever had such influence on Gerard. He didn't try to quit for Bob or Mikey
or even me. But he's trying for you. Don't stop, Frank. For God and Gerard's
sake, keep doing whatever it is you're doing."
I made us a couple of cups of coffee while Mom started talking. She said the
pills are prescription. Gerard was given them for legitimate reasons. After a
while, they didn't work as well so he started taking more. Eventually his
doctors wouldn't up his dosage anymore. Gerard then started buying them from
other people. Mom said they introduced Gerard to other pills and soon he was
completely out of control.
I asked Mom if that was when he went to rehab. She said no. Gerard was still in
high school at that point. He was a senior and already set to graduate but his
grades started slipping.
Once art school started, he tried to stop but the pills had taken a hold of him
by then. Mom said he wasn't able to kick them completely but he did slow down.
She said you could tell how his life was going by the amount he went through.
The shittier his life was, the more pills he went through and the faster he
went through them.
I thought about what I knew of Gerard's past. I wondered how much Mom knew
about that abusive boyfriend. I wanted to ask but I told Gerard I wouldn't tell
anyone and didn't want to break my promise. I think the two are somehow
connected, that guy and Gerard's pills.
Mom kept going with how eventually Gerard seemed like he really wanted help and
told me what Mikey had already told me about his stint in rehab. I finally
gathered the nerve to ask her what exactly Gerard takes. She said mostly Xanax.
If he can't get those he'll take Ativans. And when things get really bad,
Gerard will take Adderall to counteract the the other two when he needs to be
alert. I suppose it could be worse. Gerard could be addicted to cocaine. But
then Mom made it worse. Gerard's not taking 3 or 4. No, he's taking up to 10 or
12 a day. Mom said at his worst he could take more than she could keep up with.
Mom said me and Mikey needed to watch him carefully. She said that he was going
to stop sleeping very soon and become unable to sleep at all and very agitated.
No matter what though we weren't to give him more than two a day. And if things
got so bad we couldn't handle it to call her and Dad.
My god was she right! Not long after she left Gerard woke up. Things went from
bad to hell in hours. Yesterday morning he yelled at me until I was in tears.
Mikey called for help.
Dad went straight to deal with Gerard while Mom comforted me. She said that it
wasn't Gerard talking, that it was his withdrawal talking. They ended up
staying over and are still here. That's how I've had the time to write all
this. Gerard wouldn't let me sleep in the bed so I stayed in the floor. I can't
say slept because I didn't do much sleeping.
I'm scared, Journal. I've never experienced anything like this and I'm scared
for Gerard. He's really sick. Last night he kept saying things that made no
sense. This morning he accused Mikey of trying to kill him and later me of
being some guy named Bert. I gathered that everyone but me knew who Bert was. I
need to find out who he is. I have a bad feeling I'm going to regret finding
out.
It's about time for me to go try to check on Gerard again so I'm going to sign
off for now. I'll keep you posted when I can.
Chapter End Notes
     As of this chapter, this is officially the longest fic I have written
     to date. Yey!! And just think, it is still a long way from being
     over.
     Thanks for hanging around! I hope you'll stay with me until the end!
     xo Miz
***** February 16, 2000 *****
So, Journal, do you remember those little art lessons Gerard used to give me? I
don't know why I thought about them the other day. It was such a wonderful and
warm feeling I'd get when we had those moments together. With all the shit
going on, I figured me and Gerard could both use another art lesson. And since
Valentine's Day was Monday, I figured that was a good day for one.
I got home from school about an hour before Gerard got home. I had propped up
on the bed with one of his notebooks and was drawing when he walked in the
bedroom. I saw the corner of his mouth draw up into a grin, but I acted like I
didn't. He quickly snuggled up beside me and asked what I was drawing.
Journal, do you remember the lesson about drawing things that mean something to
you? The one where I drew Gerard's hands? Well, I had decided to use that to
make Gerard feel better mentally. I was drawing his hands again. They mean
something to me still after all.
Gerard just looked at me carefully for a couple of minutes. I felt like he was
drawing me in his mind with the way he seemed to study me. He finally laid his
head on my shoulder just watching me draw.
Eventually I turned and kissed his head and started a conversation with, "Do
you remember when I drew your hands the first time?" He hummed that he did. I
said, "Well, I didn't tell you all the reasons I was drawing them." He said, "I
didn't tell you all the reasons I was glad you drew them." I told him I had
known that and that it bugged me for days trying to figure out what other
"meanings" he wanted his hands to have to me. He said he'd tell me if I told
him. So I told him that I had wanted his hands to touch me and hold me and hold
my hand. He said, "That's almost what I was thinking. I wanted my hands to be
yours." We sat quietly for a little while as I kept drawing.
It was so great, Journal, just spending some time with Gerard without either of
us thinking about everything going on with him! I loved having his warmth
pressed against me, his smell so close to me, to just feel his chest move with
his breaths. I just loved having him beside me!
He finally asked, "So why are you drawing them now? My hands have touched you
all over." I smiled. I had wanted him to figure it out, but I was just as
content to actually tell him so I said, "Because I want you to know that I
still want your hands, that I still want all of you. I want you to know that
you still mean something to me." Gerard took a satisfied breath. I stopped
drawing and wiggled my shoulder so he would look up at me. I looked him in his
eyes and said, "I want you to know that I still love you and that I'm still
here."
Gerard's eyes got glassy like he was fighting back happy tears. His voice was
teetering on the edge of emotional when he said, "I needed to hear that so
much, Frankie! I wish I could tell you I love you with the right words to make
you understand how much but there aren't words that strong and powerful." When
he said that, Journal, my heart felt weightless. I know it's so cheesy, but I
swear I fell in love all over again. I replied, "I think I have an idea because
I know exactly what you mean."
Gerard grabbed me and kissed me so desperately. It's been maybe a month or so
since we had any contact like that, but once Gerard's lips met mine, I realized
how much I missed him physically.
Things progressed from there. It wasn't rushed like we couldn't stand to be
apart any longer though. I, and I think Gerard too, felt comfortable with the
pace. It was more about expressing our love for each other than the actions.
There was a lot of touching and kissing and just looking at each other.
Gerard eventually pushed into me with his fingers and I finally let my eyes
close. I enjoyed focusing my attention on his tender touches, physical
expressions of his concern for me.
I felt him position himself between my legs and then get still. I looked up at
him and he looked almost sad. He finally breathed, "You are so perfect,
Frankie. I don't deserve you." I whispered back, "Yeah you do. I'm not
perfect." He smiled softly at me and pushed his dick into me. I didn't have to
wait for that feeling though. I already had it. Having Gerard inside of me was
just extra.
After we were done, Gerard got up. I asked where he was going. He doubled back
and pressed a kiss to my lips before saying, "Please don't make me ruin the
moment." I could see the conflict and anguish in his eyes and face. I knew what
he meant, where he was going, so I just nodded my head and let him go.
Things aren't all fine now, but I was right. We needed a night away from
everything except each other's company. We needed to reconnect. We both needed
to know that we were still loved.
***** February 21, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
After Valentine’s Day, I got to reading some of the things I’ve written to you
over the past year. I was mainly reading what I wrote about Gerard, but I found
some other things I didn’t exactly like. Well, I found a lot of stuff actually.
Mom and Mikey have been filling me in on Gerard’s past a lot recently and as I
was reading, some pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. Like Gerard
ripping up his artwork that night? Yeah, Mikey told me that day after it
happened that Gerard had done that after he got drunk. But just a week ago or
whenever he told me that Gerard had overdosed the only time he had done that
before. The key word in that sentence is “only,” Journal. If Gerard has only
done that twice and I know about the second time, that means Mikey lied to me
about it the first time. Gerard wasn’t drunk but high, and so high that he
nearly died.
I ended up asking Mikey about it. We were playing some video games and I just
asked him point blank if he had ever lied to me. I may have been kind of
forceful about it, but I already knew the answer. By the way Mikey sighed, I
figure he knew I knew. After a minute he said, “I knew you’d put it together
after I told you.” I asked him why he didn’t just tell me the truth since the
only part that was a lie was the alcohol part. Mikey told me that he was trying
to protect both Gerard and me. He could see how much Gerard and I were falling
for each other so he didn’t want to make me see Gerard’s flaws and hurt Gerard
by breaking up with him. I said that didn’t make sense because Mikey still told
me Gerard had had a problem. Mikey said to think about it for a minute. I tried
to but I just didn’t see Mikey’s logic. I finally just made a face at him. I
don’t think Mikey wanted to say it out loud, but he finally said rather
frustratedly, “God, Frank! You were looking for signs of him drinking
afterwards. So much so that you missed the obvious signs of drug use right in
front of you.”
I clenched my jaw and just glared at him. He literally just told me that he had
manipulated me and I had no idea what to even reply. Mikey finally put his
controller down and said, “I’m sorry, Frank. I know I shouldn’t have done that
because you wouldn’t have done that to my brother, but I didn’t know that then
and I was tired of dealing with him by myself. Dad and Mom know a lot, but they
don’t know everything I know.” I muttered that I didn’t know if that was better
or worse. I suddenly had a light bulb go off and I was about fuck Mikey up. As
calmly as I could, but I know I was still nasty because I was just past pissed,
I asked, “Was this your plan all along? Me and Gerard would get along so
fucking famously so that we’d get together so you wouldn’t be alone with him?!”
Mikey’s face fell suddenly. I knew before he answered the answer was no. He
said, “I swear I never dreamed you guys would fall in love, Frank. I just
thought you would be a good friend for Gerard to have, someone besides me and
that goddamn Bob.” After that I just went back to my own room.
I was flipping through you again and just letting my mind wonder when a few
other things came together. After Gerard tore up his pictures and was redrawing
them, he had one of his art lessons with me. He was talking about how emotions
show on the page even if we try not to let them. He kept talking about the girl
in the picture’s face. I finally found that part to you and read it again. It
was September 29th. I think Gerard was talking about himself. I mean, duh, he
was, but I mean about taking the pills. The whole thing was one giant metaphor.
He didn’t care about his taking them before when they were doing what he wanted
them to do, but now he doesn’t want to take them anymore and can’t stop. That’s
why I felt like I was missing something when he was telling me all that because
I didn’t know about his addiction. I don’t know, Journal, maybe I’m still wrong
but if I put all the things I know now with all the things that have happened
in the past, that’s the best and only conclusion I can draw. I mean, he tried
to quit for me, Journal! He made himself sick trying to break his habit! If
that doesn’t say “I don’t want to take pills anymore” I don’t know what does.
I’ve just been thinking too much lately I think. Great, now I’m thinking about
me thinking. This is all just so draining. I need a break or something. I need
to just chill out. That’s just so hard to do when I’m surrounded by all of it
all the time. I think I’m just going to go to bed for now.
Good night, Journal.
Chapter End Notes
     I might be wrapping this up soon. To be honest, it's starting to drag
     again. I know where it's going, but the time frame I need it to fit
     in is WAY too long. But then again, I'm thinking I might add a new
     character or two to fill some space (or time really). It would be
     like a subplot. And I apologize this chapter was kind of short, but
     Frank needed to just vent some thoughts before the plot moves on.
     I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Happy New Year to all! My love
     and hugs!
     xo Miz
***** March 19, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
I spent the whole day with Alicia today. Mikey had to work, and I just needed
to get some space between me and Gerard. At first we played guitar. I think at
this point, I’m teaching Alicia more things than she’s teaching me, but that’s
okay. It’s really fun to play with her. She’s fucking badass on guitar. I mean,
there are some things I can do better than her, but there are definitely things
she does a hell of a lot better than I can. Her fingers are smaller than mine,
if you can believe that, so she can easily get those tricky chords no problems,
but I can move up and down the frets faster than she can. It’s really not a
competition though.
After a few hours, she said she needed something to drink. I was parched too,
so we went into the kitchen. Alicia casually mentions making a call, so I went
back and started picking a few things out on my guitar. She joins me a few
minutes later with a smug look on her face. I asked her what, but she did her
chick thing with her shoulders and said nothing. I told her that I was gay and
we are both dating a Way brother. She looked at me in fake shock then said,
“Duh, you idiot. It’s nothing.” I wasn’t buying it, but Alicia’s not as good as
Gerard with keeping things secret. I knew she’d spill soon. I kept on playing,
and Alicia started humming along.
I finally noticed she kept looking out her window. I knew she’d give it away.
She was waiting for someone. I knew it wasn’t Mikey because he wasn’t supposed
to get off for a few more hours. About five minutes later, this girl and two
guys show up, and Alicia has that stupid grin on her face again. She still had
one up on me, but I thought I had figured out that smug look. She wanted me to
play for some friends of hers, end of story. WRONG.
Anyways, so I started playing some stuff I’ve been working on writing, and soon
Dude 1 picks up Alicia’s guitar and starts picking out some stuff. The girl
seems to have decent rhythm, and Dude 2 starts making up lyrics sporadically.
It was really, really cool! We all seem to play well together, and they are
great musicians. So things wind down a bit, and we chatted for a few minutes
about how long we’d been playing and stuff. Then Dude 1 looks at Alicia and
says, “You’re right. He’s good.” I made a show of clearing my throat and said,
“Uh, yeah. I’m right here. But thanks.” Dude 2 goes, “Oh, we didn’t mean
anything by it. But look, we are looking for a guitar player for our band.
Alicia goes on and on about you to us all the time, man, but she keeps saying
you aren’t interested. So we kind of tricked you into an audition.”
I was kind of offended at first, but Alicia was right. No matter how many times
she’d have asked me or how she’d have asked me, I wouldn’t have agreed to do
it. I’m not looking to join a band I thought. But these guys are really awesome
guys. And girl. And yes, journal, they have names. Jenny is the girl, and I
found out she plays bass. Benson is Dude 1, the singer/guitar player. And James
is Dude 2, the drummer/keyboard player. Oh god, Journal, they have the best
band name: Shades of Death. They asked me if I’d join them, but I couldn’t say
yes outright. I mean, I have so much going on already with work, school, and
Gerard. Oh, and Gerard, Gerard, Mikey, Gerard. But I did agree to come to a few
practices with them and see how things go.
They left shortly after that, and Alicia thanked me for being a good sport. I
thanked her for the nice distraction. She asked me if things were okay. I
scoffed and said my definition of okay seems to be changing a lot recently. I
mean, I didn’t know how much Mikey’s been telling her. She said she knew what I
meant a little. I asked if things were okay with Mikey. She said he just wasn’t
trusting her enough to talk to her and it kind of hurt her feelings some. I
tried to defend Mikey’s honor some by telling Alicia that he was dealing with
some stuff that I couldn't talk about, but that Mikey was only being that way
because he was trying to protect everyone.
Alicia surprised me then. She asked, “So how are you handling all the stuff
going on with Gerard?” I just kind of looked at her a long minute. She finally
said, “Mikey’s told me what’s going on, and I know that’s what you were just
talking about. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” I just kind of pour it
all out to her then. I needed someone to talk to so bad, and Mikey is having a
hard enough time dealing with this without having to listen to me go on and on.
We ended up talking all evening. I called Mikey to let him know where I was,
and he said he was going to go home and make sure Gerard ate this evening. We
talked about how Mikey seems to be in denial about Gerard’s drug habit
sometimes. We talked about how draining it is for me and how much pressure it
puts on me that Gerard only seems to listen to me right now. She said it
sounded like I was a little bit resentful at Gerard for putting me in the
position I’m in and that I need to try to keep that from getting between us.
And she’s right. A part of me is angry at Gerard. I’m not angry because he has
this problem, but I’m angry that he’s made me become almost a caretaker for him
instead of his boyfriend. I make sure his clothes are washed and he gets to
work every day. I have to beg him to eat most of the time. I have to watch him
every moment of the day to make sure he’s not getting sick from too many pills
or not enough pills or not eating and the likes. I have to monitor his weight
so he doesn’t lose too much. I keep up with his money so he doesn’t blow it all
on pills. And I even have to dole out the fucking pills to him sometimes. I
don’t want to hand him those fucking things! I don’t want him to take them!!
Giving him the damn pills makes me feel more like an enabler than a good
boyfriend, even though I’m doing it to make sure he’s not overdosing! I hate
him for hurting me like this!
After ranting about all of that to Alicia, Mikey called, and my reprieve from
Gerard was over. Gerard was refusing to eat again. This is the third day in a
row. He knows we won’t let him go three days without eating anything, so he
used it against me, saying he wasn’t going to eat anything until I came home. I
could hear him in the background telling Mikey in a sad, broken tone to tell me
he missed me and loved me, but Mikey said he wasn’t saying that then told me to
just get home soon.
By then, the moon was starting to come out. I stood in the yard for a minute
just looking at it. It was a full moon, bright and huge. I braced for the fight
I knew was to come and went on in. Gerard was curled up in a fetal position on
the sofa staring blankly into oblivion. When he heard the door he whimpered,
“I’m tearing him apart, ain’t I, Mikes? I’m making him hate me? That’s why he’s
not home yet?”
I know it’s a game probably, but it broke my heart. Gerard’s addicted to drugs,
not suddenly stupid. He knows what’s going on, and sometimes I think he beats
himself up about it more than we know. I know he’s miserable.
I tried to sound mildly happy and said back, “I still love you, Gerard. And I’m
home now.” He drew out “Frankie!” really happily. Well, as happy as he’s been
lately anyway. He tried to get up, and I noticed he was uncoordinated. I asked
him if he was high, and he said Mikey had given him some meds because he’d had
a bad day. I wanted to ask him why, but I knew better. I rushed over to him
before he fell off the sofa, snapping, “They’re not meds, Gerard. Meds are
something you get from a pharmacy with a prescription.” He looked up at me with
his big puppy eyes (that were almost blown) and said, “I’m sorry I’m hurting
you.” I settled down beside him and put my arms around him. I just loved him
for a while, stroking his hair and kissing his head.
I finally thought of what to say. I got him to look at me. I asked him if he
remembered making me promise to not let him hurt me. He just nodded. I told him
that I’m still keeping that promise, that I’m not letting him hurt me more than
I can take. I also told him that I love him and I want to help him get better.
I smiled softly at him, because god that man makes my heart melt, and I asked
him, “I can’t help you get better if I leave, can I?” He just said, “No you
can’t.”
After that I got him to eat. Mikey had brought him a burger, but Gerard said
his stomach was upset and he didn’t want it. I ended up making pancakes at 10,
but it’s all I could get him to eat. He fell asleep just after he ate, maybe 15
minutes ago.
He looks so beautiful, Journal. I just want to cuddle him up and hold him
forever. I better get some sleep for myself. Morning is going to come very
early, and I’ll have to get him up and ready for work.
Good night, Journal!
Chapter End Notes
     So, a couple of things happened this chapter. I'm curious what people
     are thinking about which parts.
     Anywho, thanks for your patience and for reading! Loves and hugs!
     xo Miz
***** March 23, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
I’m sleeping on the couch for a few days. Or, I hope it’s only a few days
anyway. Me and Gerard had this really big fight, and uh… yeah, I had to step
back some. He’s moved the bed across the room so that he can lay there and
still see me. I know he’s sorry, but his words aren’t the problem. I just… I
never thought Gerard could be that violent, you know, Journal? And if Mikey
hadn’t of come home when he did, I’d probably not even be in this house right
now.
Mikes is actually more pissed at Gerard than I am. I’m not so much pissed as
just hurt though, you know? Both mentally and physically. I think what pushed
Mikey over the edge though was Gerard yelling that we had broken our promises
to him. Mikey kept telling Gerard that it’s not our responsibility to keep him
in line, but Gerard just kept going and going, just kept screaming how it was
my fault that he did that and how it was Mikey’s fault that Mikey wasn’t here
to stop him and how nobody’s doing anything to help him stop that fucking shit.
Mikey only got him to shut up by threatening to send him back to the hospital.
Then Gerard just started on whining about nobody cares. After everything he did
last night, yeah, nobody cared if Gerard got his feelings a little hurt last
night.
That’s not really true, Journal. Me and Mikes love Gerard so much it hurts.
Maybe that’s our problem. What else should I have done, Journal? Okay, I just
read this back and you might be able to help me more if I told you the whole
story. I’m not sure I want to though. Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow, when
writing this doesn’t physically hurt so much. Maybe after a little more time
has passed for me to process it all.
I’m sorry, Journal, but I just can’t.
Chapter End Notes
     I know this journal entry is short, but it's intended to be that way
     to show Frank's state of mind. I promise the next entry is going to
     give you the whole story of what happened "last night".
     Thanks for everyone's patience! And thank you for continuing to read!
     xo Miz
***** March 24, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Okay, Journal. I'm going to tell you what happened. Just start to finish, no
questions or stopping or even breathing. Straight through just so I have it in
here.
The day before yesterday, Mikey had to work. That meant it was my turn to stay
with Gerard. There was this stupid car wreck blocking up traffic so I was late
getting home. When I walked into the bedroom, pills were scattered all over the
floor, and Gerard was snoring softly on the bed. I figured he'd be out long
enough for me to get a quick shower.
I was rinsing off when Gerard came stumbling into the bathroom. I jumped out
and wrapped a towel around me so I could help him back to the room. Being high
and all, Gerard was acting silly. He reached down and pulled my towel off and
started making these seductive little remarks. It's been a little while since
we've been together that way because Gerard's usually pretty agitated so I told
him to give me a quick minute and he could have all of me he wanted. He
smirked, kissed my lips and said, “I love you, Frankie." It was so sincere. I
just threw my arms around him and hugged him for a moment.
I got dried off and back in the bedroom. Gerard is struggling to get his
clothes off so I helped him undress. He giggles and writhes under my touch, and
I can't help but eat it all up. For God's sake, Journal, I miss him so much
every single day. I just got lost in the moment! I forgot what was really
happening! I forgot about Gerard's past! I was just STUPID!!
I climbed up over him. He started kissing my chest, my shoulder, face, neck,
just anything he could attach his mouth to. I ran my hand down his stomach, his
abdomen, finally over his hard dick. He made an involuntary pleased sound. I
said, “Does that feel good, Gee?" He hummed yeah, so I stroked him a few more
times.
I should have been paying attention, but I wasn't. It's not all Gerard's fault,
Journal! If I wouldn't have been being so selfish, I'd have noticed the shift
in him.
I pressed a kiss to the side of his temple and then whispered in his ear, “God,
Gerard! You are so... SO beautiful spread out like this, wanting me. I miss you
so much!" And that was the trigger that set Gerard off.
Before I knew what was happening, Gerard was on top of me, his hands wrapped
around my throat. He sneered at me with such angry hatred written on his face
that I was suddenly very afraid of him. And when he spoke, I knew I was in
trouble. “Not this time, Berty-boy," he growled through gritted teeth.
Gerard had no idea who I was. The drugs had taken him back to a different place
and time, leaving me defenceless with no idea who Gerard was fighting in his
mind. I should have known though. There's only one person Gerard absolutely
hates, one person that haunts his dreams.
I tried to pry his hands away from my throat, which earned me a knee in the
ribs as he straddled my chest to hold me down. I stopped struggling for a
moment, hoping he would realize what he was doing and to who. I choked out “I
love you. Please stop." as tears fell down my face, and I had a glimmer of hope
that it worked because Gerard moved his hands to my wrists, pinning my arms to
the bed, his fingers painfully twisting the skin on them. He got right in my
face, so close that I could feel the small drops of spit hitting my face as he
once again growled at me. “I used to beg you to stop, Bert. I begged and cried,
screamed, pleaded with you to not rape me, to not tear me up and make me bleed
yet again! But not once did you ever, EVER think about me!"
That was when I knew who Gerard was fighting in his head and that I was
fighting for my life. Gerard intended to kill his first boyfriend once and for
all for doing to him things Gerard still can't admit to himself that this Bert
guy did to him. And honestly, Journal, somewhere deep inside of me a part of me
felt like I deserved some of what Gerard was doing to me because of all the
times I pushed Gerard further than he was comfortable with, for all the times I
made him relive those horrible memories when we first got together.
I knew Gerard was seeing his abuser and not me, but I had to apologize. “I'm
sorry I hurt you, Gerard. I'm sorry I didn't know." But once again, my words
fueled Gerard's anger. He somehow braced his feet on my hip bones and used that
leverage to multiply the force of each blow his fists landed on my body. All I
could do was try to block them when Gerard wasn't holding my arms down.
I had almost given up hope when I heard the front door close. I screamed for
Mikey as loud as I could, and relief flooded my mind when I heard his running
footsteps coming my way. Gerard was quickly jerked off of me, and all I could
do was lay there trembling. I took a shuddery breath and started to climb up
from the bed. Gerard was hissing and cursing as he tried to break free of
Mikey's arms. “No! Let me go! Let me give this son of a bitch what he
deserves!" he screamed at Mikey.
“I'm going to show this bastard what it feels like to be used, to be torn open
up the middle and left bleeding!" I was more grateful for Mikey right then. I
had no idea Gerard wasn't intending to kill his ex but to rape him in
retaliation instead. He very nearly raped me!
Mikey got Gerard to focus on him and told him that if I were really Bert, he
wouldn't stop Gerard, that he would let him give this creep a taste of his own
medicine. Gerard started to argue, but Mikey forced Gerard to focus on him
again. He said, “You know I wouldn't let that asshole in here, right?" Gerard
looked defiant but shook his head yes. Mikey said, “I'm not letting you go, but
I want you to turn around and look at him, Gerard. Look at who you were about
to hurt!" Gerard glared at me as Mikey kept going, asking him who lives in this
room with him and loves him.
Gerard looked back at Mikey, and I swear I saw something inside of Gerard
break. He sounded scared and confused. “My Frankie does," he replied. Mikey
told Gerard to look at me one more time and asked him, “Who does that look like
to you, Gerard? Bert or your Frank?" Gerard carefully examined me for a minute.
His breathing was fast and erratic still, but Mikey let him go. He reached out
his fingertips like he was going to brush them down my cheek and then suddenly
grabbed a handful of my hair and slammed me face first into the wall.
“That's not MY Frankie," he screamed. He said that his Frank wouldn't have let
him hurt him, that his Frank had promised. I hadn't even thought about that,
Journal, but when he said that, my heart sank to my toes. I had broken my
promise to him.
The entire room was suddenly silent to me. I could see Mikey's lips moving, but
it was like I could only hear the angels cursing me as I slumped on the bed
naked for God and Gerard and Mikey to see.
I was snapped back to reality when Gerard roughly grabbed me, but quickly I
realized he no longer intended me harm. He was now protecting me from Mikey,
who posed no threat except in Gerard's mind, and screaming that Mikey had
broken his promise too, his promise to never let Gerard hurt me, break me.
Gerard drug me into his lap and hugged me so tightly to his chest I could
hardly breathe, and I realized Gerard was crying even though he was still
screaming at Mikey.
That's when Mikey said something about Gerard taking some “fucking
responsibility" for his own actions. Gerard said no one was helping him and
threw the blame at us again until Mikey told him that if Gerard needed that
kind of help, he'd send Gerard back to Belleville Asylum.
I felt Gerard flinch at that. Now I wonder what horrible things Gerard endured
there that Mikey's threat could shut Gerard up just like that. I mean, Gerard
kept whimpering about nobody caring, but he let Mikey take me from him so we
could assess my damage.
I have dark handprints on my arms and around my neck. More blackish blue
bruises litter my body and hips. My lower lip is split almost all the way
through. My right wrist and hand are swollen and so is my left eye. It hurts to
swallow anything or even breathe. Gerard definitely did a number on me.
Mikey told Gerard that he wanted me in the living room so I would heal faster.
I wish he wouldn't have. Gerard deserves the truth: I'm hurt because of what he
did so I want some time away from him, to recuperate and recharge.
But I'm not going anywhere, Journal, so you can forget that! Gerard has had
more than his share of pain, and I refuse to add to it. If there is still a
chance I can help him even the smallest bit, I'll be here beside him giving him
my all.
I'm going to take a pain pill and try to get some rest now, Journal. Maybe I'll
sleep a little better having gotten all of that out.
Chapter End Notes
     Wow. That was actually hard to write. Not just because of the
     violence, but because Gerard's pain is so strong, I can own it
     myself. (And once again, we peel away another layer off Gerard's
     character to reveal more questions.)
     Please leave me a comment about what you're thinking!
     Thanks for reading, my beauties!
     xo Miz
***** March 31, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Hi, Journal. I've had a busy week. A few things have happened I wanted to tell
you about. First, I'm not enrolled in college anymore. Because of what happened
with Gerard, I got too far behind to get caught up in my classes. I'm not sure
if I'm going to enroll again this fall. I'll figure that out then. As long as I
enroll again within a year, my scholarship will still be good, so dropping out
now is probably more good than bad.
Also, I've been to a few practices with the guys from Shades of Death. I've
always enjoyed playing guitar with Alicia, but playing with those guys is like
natural or something. I really can't explain it, but we all just get it when
we're together. We wrote a song together in just two hours. And I mean a
complete song, ready to be played live. It was SO AWESOME!
I talked to Mikey the day before. He had went with me to a practice and liked
what he heard. He even said he was our first fan, which actually made me laugh.
Anyway, he asked me if I was going to join them, and I told him I couldn't
because of everything going on right now. Mikey said that was bullshit. He said
I needed something other than Gerard to focus on and this band was just the
thing. We talked about it some more and I finally told him I'd think about.
Mikey just nodded and said, “Well, let me know when you guys are ready for a
merch guy so I can volunteer before anyone else does." Mikey always knows
before anyone else what other people are going to do, and this time is no
exception. I spent the night on the sofa thinking about it, and I have decided
that I am officially joining Shades of Death. They are going to be so thrilled!
But I mean, right now it's still just a garage band, so it's not like I'm
committing to a contract. Just practices, song writing, and other creative
input. James had mentioned a couple of gigs he's been working on getting set
up, so maybe a few sets. It doesn't matter though; I'm super excited!
Mom came over a few days ago. I didn't even hear her come in the house. She
said she hadn't heard from anyone and just wanted to check on us. Like I said,
I didn't even know she was here. Apparently I was only covered up to the waist,
and she saw all the marks Gerard left on me. I woke up to find her sitting
across from me just looking at me. I said, “Um, hi, Mom.” and she just sighed
like she was tired. I started to pull the sheet around me and she said, “I’ve
already seen them, honey. How did he do that?”
I tried to play dumb because I know Gerard already feels bad enough without Mom
having a go at him too. She sighed again then said, “I wasn’t born yesterday,
Frank. I know it was Gerard.” After I just sat there she finally asked me what
I was so scared of, if I was scared of Gerard. I couldn’t let her think that,
so I told her the truth. I’m scared her and Dad will force him back into
Belleville again and I don’t think that will help him. She asked what made me
think that it won’t help, and I told her because I know Gerard. She just looked
at me like she was thinking and I realized who I just said that too. I told her
that I have a strong feeling that something bad happened to him in there the
last time and sending him back there is just going to make things worse.
I kept going that I think the drugs aren’t really Gerard’s problem. I think
he’s got some things bothering him that the drugs cover up. Mom just let me
talk. She listened to me and never tried to argue back or anything. I told her
that I think Gerard has issues with some things that happened to him in the
past, things I can’t tell her about because it’s not my place to, and that
those things are still tearing him up inside. I finally stopped with, “Mom, I
think if we fix what’s hurting him, we can get him to stop taking those pills.
But I don’t know how to fix them.”
Mom just hugged me so tight and told me that was very mature. I told her I just
want to help him, to make him happy. She told me, “Frank, sweetie, you already
are! Trust me, I’m his mother, and I’ve seen changes in him since you two got
together — since he met you — that I’ve never seen before. Good changes,
Frank.” I wanted to ask her what they were, but I didn’t. She finally broke the
silence with, “Tell me what happened, please.” So I did. I didn’t quite tell
her all the graphic details, but I told her what happened.
When I mentioned that Bert guy though, her face hardened, and I got the feeling
she knew about him, knew who he was. I hadn’t mentioned what Gerard had said
about getting revenge, but Mom seemed to have figured it out. She said, “Bert
raped Gerard, didn’t he?” I told her that I couldn’t answer that for her, that
it was Gerard’s business to talk about if he wanted her to know or not. But
really, anything I said other than no was a yes. Mom and I both knew that. Mom
took a shaky breath and said, “I’m so glad he has you now.”
We both just sat quiet for a long moment. Eventually I asked her, “Mom, how do
I forgive him? I mean, I don’t really blame him, but I don’t want him to think
it’s okay either.” Mom just said she trusted I’d know when the time was right
and how to do it. Then she asked me if I was really okay. I told her I was just
sore, but nothing was permanently damaged, including mentally. She forced a
smile and said, “Well, I’ll call around and see if I can find someone for
Gerard to talk to, and you and Mikey see if you can come up with a way to get
him there. Deal?” I told her deal.
I love Mom. She’s so accepting and eager to listen and help. She never makes
you feel bad, even when she’s fussing at you. You always know that she loves
you.
So now Mikey and I are trying to figure out how to get Gerard to go talk with
whoever Mom finds. I know Mom will choose the right person, so I really want to
just be honest with Gerard about it all. Mikey’s not so sure it will work, but
I think being honest will work out better in the long run. I guess we’ll find
out.
Chapter End Notes
     So with the writing of this chapter, quite a few things I had planned
     for this story changed drastically. Nearly the entire plot has
     shifted some, and I am glad to say these changes are going to help
     keep this story going for a while. I hope you all will continue to
     read along!
     Thank you all for reading and your love!
     xo Miz
***** April 11, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Hey, Journal. Read anything good lately? Okay, bad joke. I'm in a good mood
though. It's nice for a change. And would you like to know why? Of course you
would; being my place for all my secrets, you're just dying to know.
Well honestly, Journal, Gerard did it. It was his birthday two days ago, as I'm
sure you know. The day started like any other Sunday. We slept in then ate junk
food for breakfast. Mom and Dad came over with a nice lunch and some gifts for
Gerard.
All day, he kept looking at me. I can't explain the look on his face. It wasn't
longing or sorrow or painful, not any of his more recent normal looks. It was
kind of peaceful and loving, but different. It was, call me crazy, selfless,
like he just wanted to look at me, wanted to make sure I was good. Journal, it
was the old Gerard I fell in love with. And all day he kept intentionally
brushing up against me. His hand against mine, his knee against mine. Small,
soft touches like way back when.
I tried to resist, Journal, honest. We haven't resolved what happened last
month yet. And it was really hard. I managed to last most of the day at least. 
After dinner, which was really lunch leftovers, Gerard says, "Why don't you
come look at some stuff I've been working on." I couldn't say no.
I haven't been in our room with Gerard since that day, but that was the last
thing on my mind. Our bedroom holds so many good memories for me, of Gerard and
us. It smells like Gerard and it wraps me up in its comfort as soon as I walk
in the door. The only thing on my mind was how much I missed Gerard and our
bedroom.
I settled down on the side of the bed while Gerard gathered some things off his
desk. He sat down beside me, and I thought back to the first time we kissed,
sitting side by side on his bed back at Mom and Dad's. Gerard started showing
me the newer stuff he had drawn. I listened to him talk about all the
influences and ideas that went into it. But there was something desperate deep
down in his voice, almost like he just wanted to talk to me about anything. I
knew that feeling.
Before I knew what I was doing, I half whispered, "I love you." Gerard stopped
talking midsentence. He just looked at me, relief filling his eyes. Just like
it was filling my gut. Slowly he leaned in and gently kissed me. I felt a rush
of adrenaline like it was our first kiss all over again. God, I missed him,
Journal!
Things really didn't go any farther. We ended up laying face to face with our
hands tangled together just talking intimately. He apologize for last month yet
again, but something about it was different this time. Mom was right; I knew
when to forgive him and that time was right then.
We talked for a while. It felt so good too, just being alone together. But deep
down I knew it would end too soon; Gerard would need more pills. When he
started shaking, I told him to go take some pills. He said, "You're all I need
tonight, Frankie."
We laid together, an awkward silence hanging between us. I watched him get
worse before I finally got up. Gerard asked me where I was going. I pulled the
bottle of pills out of his drawer and sat them down on the nightstand.
"Just one, Gerard. Please," I asked him. He pulled me down in the bed and held
me tight. He said, "I only want you tonight. Just... just let me have you
tonight." I just nodded and snuggled in to his warmth. Eventually I fell
asleep.
When I woke up, Gerard looked really rough, like he had hardly slept that
night. He had to have taken some eventually though because he was sleeping.
Judge me if you want, Journal, but I didn't mind. Because he tried for me. He
didn't take any pills because I was with him. I didn't care because he wasn't
thinking of only himself. And that meant a lot to me.
So I'm back in the bedroom again. Gerard and I are still walking on eggshells
around each other, but at least it's progress. I think Mikey is glad too.
I just can't help but love him, Journal. That doesn't mean I have to love his
drug habit. I just love him in spite of it. I love the man underneath it all.
And speaking of loving him, Gerard just got home from work, so I'm going to go.
Talk to you later, Journal.
Chapter End Notes
     I know this was promised a couple of weeks ago, but Frank and I have
     fought over this chapter. I wasn't ready for them to make up, but
     Frank was tired of fighting with Gerard. To be completely honest, I'm
     still not happy with this chapter, but I'm posting it anyway. I'll
     just have to see how things go from here.
     To all who have waited so patiently and commented to ask for another
     chapter, thank you and my love to you!
     xo Miz
***** April 15, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
I had the best day with Gerard today! When we got up this morning, we made a
pact. Gerard agreed to take only enough pills to keep him going, and I agreed
to give him a moment alone when he needed to do so. And we agreed because we
wanted to spend the day together.
Gerard kissed me after we understood the other's thoughts on the matter. It was
almost like he was thanking me. We both got up from the bed. He headed for the
bathroom while I headed towards the kitchen. I knew what he was doing in there,
and while it still bothers me, I'm no longer living under the delusion he can
just stop taking them on his own.
I made myself stop thinking about it and got the cereal out for us to eat. Just
as I was sitting down, Gerard came in the kitchen. Neither of us said much. We
just made a plan for what we needed to do today.
After we ate, we got dressed and headed out. The first place we stopped was the
art supply store. Gerard's working on a new comic book... Well, a sequel to the
one he had published, and he needed some new inks or something. Or pen tips? I
don't know. I don't draw like he does. I'm calling them pens.
Leave it to Gerard to turn it into an art lesson though. He's just amazing,
Journal. Art is as natural as breathing to him, and he makes these unbelievable
metaphors with it!
We went to the drawing section, and I was immediately overwhelmed. There's so
much to choose from, like, where do you start? Gerard seemed to know though. He
went straight to one pen, picked it up, and then started looking for another
one. He finally saw me staring at the foreign language of art supplies, and
walked over and put an arm around my waist.
He said each artist has a particular set of tools he uses, that no one can use
them all. An artist finds the tools he is most comfortable with as he begins
his path into the art world. And as the artist learns and grows, his tools
change with his need. Without the right ones, the artwork never feels right to
its creator. Sometimes a tool is used for only a single purpose, while other
times a tool can serve many purposes.
I just listened to him talk as he went back to looking for the pen he needed. I
didn't want him to stop. I love when he speaks like this, so brilliantly and
yet easily. When he's being so passionate about his craft.
He picked up another pen and walked back over to me, pecking my lips with a
kiss. "Art is like life, Frankie. When you have the wrong tool, the final
product is flawed. You have to find the right tools to elevate your work to the
next level." And with that, the lesson was over.
I knew what he was trying to tell me though. Those pills he takes are the wrong
tool. He knows they are holding him back, messing him up. And he's looking for
the right tools, for the ones that are going to make him shine. For a long
moment, I just wanted to hold on to him for dear life and never let him go.
After making a stop back at the house for my gear, our next stop was James'
garage for band practice. When we got there, Mikey was already doing his thing.
He's decided he's taking care of the band. I think it's his way of being a
small part of Shades of Death, but none of us stop him. He keeps cold drinks
waiting for us all practice, and when he knows practice is starting to wrap up,
he sets up a buffet of stuff for us to eat. He also does other stuff too, but
that's between him and Benson. Mikey's like our mini manager.
Anyway, Gerard was shocked to see Mikey there. I think he may have even been a
little jealous that I've been sharing this part of my life with his little
brother. But still, he went and asked Mikey what he could do to help while I
got my stuff set up.
I'm getting my cables all hooked up when Jenny kicks my leg lightly. At first I
don't even look up and just ask her what. She goes, "who is that?" but the way
she said it, I had to stop and look. I stand back up beside her and asked who.
She elbows me in the side and says, "Him! That fucking sexy thing you brought
with you that I'd kill to jump." I laughed. I thought she had met Gerard
before. I just told her Mikey's brother.
I went back to plugging shit up, just letting her make the connection for
herself. Apparently she's not always smart. She calls Mikey over then and kicks
him hard in the shin. "You little fucker!" she whisper-screamed at him. "You
have two brothers?!" Mikey rubs his leg, looking confused, and I just laugh
again. "Um, no. Just the one." Jenny then kicks me in my ass, knocking me into
the amp I'm working on. "That's Gerard, isn't it, you little shit." she
actually states instead of asking.
I stood back up beside her and congratulated her on figuring it out. She goes,
"Wow, Frankie. He's hot! You get to fuck that?!" About that time, Mikey decides
it's time for him to leave that conversation, mumbling "Ew! That's my brother!"
Gerard looks up right then. I waved, and he winked back. I thought Jenny was
going to drool on herself. Well, she's met him now.
We started rehearsing, and I knew Gerard was watching me. It was almost nerve
wracking. He's never seen me play like this before, and he's certainly never
heard me sing anything. But every time I looked at him, he had this stupid grin
on his face and a look in his eyes that said he could eat me alive.
Gerard helped Mikey put out stuff to make sub sandwiches with as we winded
down. I hadn't even gotten my guitar strap off before Gerard kisses me hard.
Mikey goes, "Oh c'mon, guys!" and James goes, "What?! You do it with Alicia
when she's here!" But that aside, I knew Gerard liked what he heard from the
band.
The sun was starting to set by the time we climbed in the car to head home. The
trip was quiet and comfortable, like everything was perfect. Gerard and I were
holding hands. I knew when he was thinking about me because he would
unintentionally squeeze my hand a little tighter.
As I let my thoughts go, I began feeling sad. This was like a perfect day
before I found out about Gerard's addiction. He hid it so well that I hadn't
thought about it since he took some before breakfast this morning.
"I want to come to the show," Gerard said, breaking the silence. I told him
James hadn't hammered out all the details yet. "But when he does, I can go,
right? I don't want to miss your first show, Frankie." He wasn't going to give
up, and part of me was grateful because I want him there too. I told him I
would think about it, and he asked me what there was to think about.
I didn't mean to snap at him, Journal, I swear! I mean, his only logic was that
he wanted to support his boyfriend's art. Once again, I was having to look at
everything else.
"Drugs, Gerard! Alcohol! People I don't know and not being able to watch you
every second! That's what there is to think about, Gerard!" He looked like I
had just slapped him, and I instantly regretted it. You could hear the pieces
of his heart falling apart when he softly said, "Then I'll just stop again."
I had to pull the car over. I needed to talk this out with him, and I couldn't
do that driving down the road. I took his hand in both of mine and made him
look at me. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes. I apologized for snapping.
He just nodded his head. I told him he can't just stop cold turkey again, that
last time I found him in the bathroom with Mikey puking up his guts and near
death. "So what do I do?" he asked.
I thought about it for a long minute. I knew Mikey was probably going to be
pissed at me, but damn it, I did what felt right to me. I told Gerard the
truth. I told him that Mom was working on getting him an appointment with a
drug counselor. I told him that it wasn't an inpatient program and that I would
be there with him every step of the way. Gerard just kept his eyes on mine
listening to every word I had to say. I told him that this counselor isn't a
rehab program in the traditional sense, but if Gerard dedicated himself to the
program, slowly but surely he could wean himself off the pills and that it
would help build back the trust he has lost.
Gerard looked down, clearly thinking about what I had just said. When he looked
back up at me, a single tear slid down his cheek. He asked me, "If I do this, I
can come to your show?" I leaned across the car and pulled him into a tight
hug. I said, "I want you to do this for you, Gerard. But yes, if you really and
truly try to follow the program and show me that you mean it, you can come to
ALL of my shows."
Gerard nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck. "I'm scared, Frankie," he
whispered. I held him closer and told him I know he is. I told him I am too but
that no matter what, through hail, high water, and famine, I would be right
beside him doing whatever he needed me to do.
Gerard took a shaky breath. I just gave him the time he needed and braced
myself in case he said no. With his head still tucked up against me, he slowly
started nodding yes before he finally breathed, "Okay."
I couldn't hold it back. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him with all of
the things I was feeling right then. Joyful tears ran down my face as I
clutched Gerard to my chest under the rare stars of the nighttime Jersey sky.
When we finally got home, Gerard excuse himself to the bathroom again, and this
time, it didn't bother me. I leaned over the sofa and told Mikey to call Mom
and tell her to get the first appointment she could for Gerard. Mikey looked up
at me from his movie, his mouth hanging open. All I said to him was "Gerard
agreed to go," before I headed towards our room.
I snuggled in to Gerard's side and watched him use one of his new pens for a
while. I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him. After a while, Gerard
kissed me and said he was too sleepy to stay up any longer. I think he was
asleep before his head hit the pillow.
I hope he can stay on track, Journal. I hope that together we can close the
book on this chapter of our lives together. I just love him so much that it
hurts me to see him like this, Journal! But I want to see him get better
because he wants to do it, not because I want him to.
I'm watching him sleep now, listening to those soft snores of his. Do you know
of a word stronger than love, Journal? If you do, that's how I feel about
Gerard.
Chapter End Notes
     I've been writing, obviously. I spent all of yesterday reading this
     from the very beginning, and it renewed my love for these characters.
     I really do love writing Frank's journal; there's something very
     therapeutic about.
     I'm not going to make any grand statements here. Too many times I
     have thought I was going to start posting chapters again regularly
     and had life break my promise for me. For now my only promise to you,
     my readers, is this: no matter how long it takes me, I will finish
     this story; I won't abandon it.
     To those of you still reading along, my deepest thanks! You are one
     of the reasons I keep writing! I love you all!
     xo Miz
***** May 16, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
Gerard had his first therapy session today with his new rehab counselor. Well,
we all did really. He was supposed to bring everyone that would be involved in
his rehab with him. Mom, Dad, Mikey, and I went with him. At first it was a
little awkward. Nobody wanted to point fingers, so we all just kept saying we
wanted to help Gerard get better. Finally Brian, the new counselor guy, says
that no one is helping by brushing everything under the rug.
That started Gerard going. He said he wanted to go first so that nobody else
had to. Then he said he’s been taking pills since before he graduated high
school. Things picked up in college with the stress it brought with it. He
thought after he adjusted to college he would be able to stop. But he couldn’t.
It only got worse.
Mom stepped in then and said to everyone what she told me that time, that she
can tell how Gerard’s life is going by how many pills he takes. Gerard sat with
his head down chewing on his thumbnail. I think what Mom said hit him really
hard because when he finally looked back up again, he had tears in his eyes and
said, “I knew you knew but I didn’t know that you know how many pills I was
going through.”
Now Dad wasn’t holding back when he finally spoke. He said, “Gerard, we know
when you’re high. We all can tell the difference between someone who’s high and
someone who’s not. Can we give a number to how many you take? No. I doubt I’m
even in the ballpark. But when you’re high all the time, you’re obviously
taking more than before. Don’t play stupid.”
Well, Brian didn’t care for that last part. He said that no one needed to make
judgmental statements. Facts only. Mikey said, “I have a fact.” Everyone looked
at him. Mikey was the only one I think no one expected to talk. And what he
said broke even my heart. “I miss my brother. There are times I needed you to
be my big brother, but instead I was taking care of you.”
Now Gerard is crying. Well, he’s super silent about it, but he has big, fat
tears running down his cheeks. But Mikey keeps going. “I want Frank to know
just how awesome his boyfriend is. I want him to know the Gerard I know, the
Gerard that you tried to be when you first started dating Frankie.”
“I tried to quit for him!” Gerard cried out. “Mikey you know I have! I tried to
quit before he found out. I tried to quit when he found out. I’ve made myself
sick trying to quit for Frank! I worry every single day that he’s going to
finally have enough of me and my fucked up problems and leave me!” And then
Gerard broke down completely.
I didn’t hesitate. I was pulling his shaking form into my chest before he let
out his first loud cry. I just rocked him for a few minutes, stroking his hair
and shushing him. After he managed to quiet himself to just whimpers, I hid my
face in his hair and told him where no one else could hear me. “I’m still here,
Gerard. I’m not leaving you. Not over this. If I were going to leave, I’d have
left already. I love you, Gerard.”
When Gerard clutched me tighter like he was fighting for his life, which I
guess is probably more accurate than I care to believe, Brian asked me what I
had said to him. I told him that I simply told Gerard that if I was going to
leave, I’d have left already.
After that, Gerard was able to pull himself together for the most part. Brian
said he felt like that was enough sharing for our first visit. Then he laid out
how this works. Gerard has to go see him twice a week. If he feels up to
bringing anyone with him or if someone feels the need to come, anyone is
welcome any time, but we have a family meeting every two to three weeks. At
least to start anyway. And as for Gerard’s pills, Mikey gave them all to Brian.
Or at least Gerard said it was all of them. Never trust a drug addict about his
drugs. Brian said he is giving Gerard prescriptions for some other meds that
will help him with withdrawal, so basically Gerard is getting new drugs that we
can control. And by we I literally mean all of us. Once Gerard is switched to
the new meds and adjusted to them, Brian will start tapering him off of them.
Then Brian said something I wish he hadn’t said in front of Gerard. “More than
likely, Gerard will slip up and take Xanax again before this is over. And
probably more than once.” Isn’t that just giving Gerard a pass to say, “I got
high. Sorry.”? But I think I know why he said it in front of him, so that that
Gerard knows it’s okay to fall down because the next thing Brian said was that
when it happens, Gerard is supposed to be honest about it, about why and how
and everything.
This is far from the entire two hour session, but these are the highlights I
thought were important. I have an appointment next week to go and see Brian
with Gerard. Brian asked Gerard if it was okay, and Gerard said he’d like that.
I’m kind of anxious about it myself, but I don’t know why. I guess I just don’t
want to hurt Gerard any more than I have. But I’m going to be honest.
I’ll let you know how it goes, Journal. Bye for now.
Chapter End Notes
     I know I haven't been around much lately. But I'm about to have my
     first novelette published and up for sale. Yey!
     To everyone who come back to read this new chapter, THANK YOU for
     reading!!
     My love and hugs!
     xo Miz
***** May 25, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
God, Journal! I have so much to tell you! Okay, you're right. I'm just so
excited that it feels like I have a lot to say.
So I went to Gerard's appointment with him. It was very personal. We talked a
lot about our relationship. Brian asked a lot of questions. Most of it
pertained to how Gerard's drug use affected our relationship.
We talked about some bad things, like when Gerard nearly raped me two months
ago. That was really hard to talk about and frankly I tried not to. Gerard
brought it up. I didn't realize how guilty he still feels about that night. Of
course, Brian took a keen interest in that.
He asked Gerard if that was something he'd be willing to talk about in private,
and Gerard agreed he would. I'm hoping Brian can help Gerard with that. Between
Bert and Belleville Asylum, I think that's where most of Gerard's issues lie.
We also talked about some good things, like Gerard's art lessons he gives me. I
don't think he knew how much those moments mean to me. He was glowing with
pride as I told Brian about them.
I told Brian that each one is unique and therefore quite special and how each
one, from the very first one, seems so intimate and almost magical. I told
Brian what I told you, how art just seems to be as natural as breathing to
Gerard.
But towards the end, things got really intense. Brian asked us to each describe
our feelings about each other. Gerard said I am the best person he's ever met
and that he would die for me. Well, he said it much more eloquently than I can,
and I can't remember how he worded it exactly because I was so emotional just
listening to him talk about his feelings towards me. But he brought me to a
realization, one I'm sure you already knew, Journal.
I started trying to express my love for Gerard. I told Brian that love isn't a
strong enough word. That like Gerard, I'd give my life for him. That if I
could, I'd take away his pain and keep it as my own. And here is my epiphany,
Journal. I told Brian that I wanted to share our lives together. I turned to
look at Gerard and I told him, "I want to marry you, for better or worse. I
want us to be one."
I mean that, Journal! I want a stupid piece of paper that declares us spouses.
I want to wear his ring. Hell, I want to birth his children! Just kidding on
that last one. But in all seriousness, I realized that is what I've been trying
to tell you for so long, Journal.
Brian suggested we have a wedding. He said that just because we can't be
legally married shouldn't stop us from making that commitment to each other. I
really like that idea. Nothing big or anything. Just a small ceremony for us
and our family is all I want. And I think Gerard's game. He just listened with
a small grin on his lips, and when we were done talking about, he kissed me
really softly. It was an amazing moment!
Here's hoping for a small, unofficial wedding in the near future!
So in other news, James kind of got us a gig! We have a couple of months, but
to secure it, all we have to do is have five completed songs to play. We
already have three! And almost four. I know, right?! This is awesome news! Not
as good as Gerard getting clean by a long shot, but it's still pretty damn
exciting!
All of us are stoked about it. And Mikey is our official Merch guy! Everyone in
the band agreed that he's perfect for the job. Now all we need is some shit to
sell. At practice yesterday, we agreed we'd get some shirts made, make some
buttons ourselves, and have some copies of our CD burned. Now we just need some
kind of leaflet to put in it. I think Mikey is secretly working on that part
though. He's been asking us a bunch of weird stuff and working on the computer
a lot.
And with as well as Gerard is doing and provided he keeps it up, I'm so excited
to have him by my side for it all! I'm trusting he's going to keep being open
and honest in his sessions with Brian. We all get one backstage pass, and of
course mine is going to Gerard.
Unfortunately Mikey can't come backstage since he's manning the merch table,
but Alicia is trying to convince her parents to let her help Mikey. I don't
think they'll mind though. Her parents are pretty cool about letting her go to
concerts and this isn't a big one anyway.
Yeah, yeah, Journal. We did more talking than playing at yesterday's practice.
I know. And now I'm doing more writing than practicing. I better go now. I'll
keep you updated, Journal! Bye!
Chapter End Notes
     I know updates are really slow coming. Thank you all so much for
     continuing to wait for and read them.
     My love!
     xo Miz
***** June 11, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
Today sucked. First I had idiot customers all day at work asking me to find
things they were staring right at. Or either they were looking for an author
and couldn't find them in an alphabetized order. Duh. B comes after A. C comes
after B. If you're looking for an author whose last name starts with G, I'd
suggest looking between the F and the H. Unless someone changed the alphabet on
me.
Second, Mikey is sick. I mean like dog sick. He's hacking and coughing
everywhere, and the last thing we need is a cold going around the house. After
work I went to the store and bought hand sanitizer, sanitizing spray, tissues,
and cough syrup. Everyone had better damn sure use the shit.
Third is my car. It broke down on the way home from the store. I had to walk
home in the rain. I was drenched, I'm talking soaked to the bone, dripping wet
when I got home. And all I wanted to do was dry off and snuggle up to my
wonderful boyfriend. Which leads me to the last thing.
Gerard was high when I got home. I was mad! Not so much that he took a Xanax.
He's been doing good, but he was bound to fall off the wagon sooner or later.
And it could have been a lot worse. He only took one. So he says. But he was
still coherent, so I believe him. No, I was mad because my plans were ruined. I
ended up microwaving TV dinners for everyone.
It seems like sometimes I'm the only person in the house that takes any
responsibility for anything. Mikey and Gerard help sometimes, but I'm the only
one that seems to cook or clean or anything else when the others can't.
Yes, Journal, I'm just pissy today. Fuck off. I'm allowed to have a bad day
too. It's hard to be mad though when Gerard is snoring so softly beside me. I
think I'm going to snuggle up and go to sleep with him.
Chapter End Notes
     Everything isn't roses forever. Luckily, it's just one bad day.
     Updates might be coming more frequently again, but I make no
     promises.
     xo Miz
***** June 28, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It was a really crappy day yesterday, Journal. And it all has to do with
Gerard’s therapy appointment. Brian asked what Gerard felt like talking about
yesterday. Gerard said he didn’t know, so Brian asked if they could talk about
Bert. Gerard said they could as long as I could sit in with them. Brian was
hesitant, but he agreed.

All we really did was skim the surface, but it was a start to getting Gerard to
open up and talk about what happened to him.

Bert was extremely controlling. He controlled what Gerard did, what he ate, how
he behaved, what he wore, where Gerard went, everything. As time passed, Bert
grew jealous of the happiness Gerard got from being with his friends, so he
stopped allowing Gerard to see them. He wanted to force Gerard to be that happy
with him. The only people he continued to let be in Gerard’s life were his
family, but he threatened Gerard’s life if he mentioned the way he was being
treated to anyone.

Of course, those are my words. Gerard make Bert sound … I don’t know. Gerard
still sounded scared of the guy and like he was making excuses for him. I don’t
think there is one. The guy is a grade A asshole in my opinion. But trying to
look at it through Gerard’s eyes, I guess I kind of understand. I mean, if Bert
would have backed off and just treated Gerard like a person, he would have seen
the wonderful man I’m in love with. Gerard would have loved Bert the way Bert
wanted to be loved by Gerard. Gerard is so giving and patient and caring and
understanding. Bert could have had all of that if he hadn’t have held on to
Gerard so tightly.

And then the raping started. Gerard refused to have sex with Bert. He didn’t do
it out of spite for the way he was being treated. He was scared. It was his
first time. After several attempts in vain, Bert introduced Gerard to Xanax.
And that led to the first time Bert raped Gerard. We all know how that went.

Eventually Bert figured out he could control Gerard more easily on Xanax so he
kept feeding him a steady diet of pills. I don’t know why Gerard kept taking
them. He told Brian it was because it made things easier to deal with.

Over time, the rapes got worse. Xanax no longer helped Gerard deal with the
emotional turmoil he was in. He started begging Bert not to do it, and Bert
would respond violently. Bert would hit him. He would fuck Gerard with no lube.
He would force Gerard to take his entire length down his throat until he came,
despite the fact that it made Gerard throw up several time in the process. He
would rip out Gerard’s hair by using it as hand holds while he fucked Gerard’s
face. Basically Bert was merciless with Gerard.

There was a long pause between Gerard talking about all the different things
Bert did to him and Brian asking how things managed to come to an end. Gerard
reached out and took my hand in his, and I knew he needed the same support he
had given me times before. A tear slid down his cheek, and Gerard squeezed my
hand tightly.

He said it was a Saturday. He had begun to realize his relationship with Bert
was unhealthy and told Bert he wanted it to end. He told Bert that he would be
gone when Bert go home from work. Bert’s response was a punch to the face.
While Gerard was laying on the floor, Bert climbed over him and forced multiple
Xanax down Gerard’s throat. Gerard said he didn’t know how many. He just
remembered the pain as Bert kept his mouth forced open and shoved his fingers
down his throat several times like someone giving a dog a pill. After that,
Bert dragged Gerard to the bedroom and stripped him down to nothing. He quickly
tied Gerard up, tossing him on the bed haphazardly when he was done. Bert
landed a few more blows to Gerard, taking the wind out of him and causing his
nose to bleed.

When Bert was finally done, he leaned over and spat in Gerard’s face, “We’ll
see if you’re gone when I get home!” And then he just left Gerard there like
that. Gerard said he let the Xanax take over then. He knew there was no escape
and that Bert wasn’t going to play nice when he got back home, so he figured
the best thing to do would be to be ready for Bert’s return.

Gerard said the next thing he remembered was being drug out of the bed, still
naked and tied up, by the hair of his head. Bert was screaming at him about
pissing the bed while he was gone. Then Bert started kicking Gerard as hard as
he could. Once Gerard was a crumbled bleeding mass on the floor, Bert undid the
fly of his pants. Gerard sneered at this point in the story, “He didn’t even
have the decency to take his clothes off.” Right there on the floor, Bert
thrust into Gerard with no lube, tearing the tender tissue of Gerard’s asshole.
Bert fucked him hard, only seeking to please himself.

Gerard said when Bert was done, he untied him and told Gerard to go clean
himself up. Blood ran down the insides of his thighs and each step made his
whole body tense. But he didn’t do as he was told. Bert was already dozing off,
probably from a combination of physical exhaustion and drugs, so Gerard dressed
himself in the bathroom, not bothering to clean up. Then Gerard walked right
out the front door, got into his car, and drove to Mom and Dad’s.

When Dad opened the door, Gerard said he collapsed into his arms. Pain wracked
his body, and the Xanax still had his mind in a fog. He woke up a few hours
later in his old room, the room I know in the basement, and he could hear his
father yelling at someone. His father was threatening someone. He listened
harder and realized Bert was there trying to take Gerard “back home.” Dad
yelled, “He IS home now, you mother fucker. And if I catch you anywhere near
him again, I’ll blow your fucking head off. If you in any way ever try to
contact him again, I’ll blow your fucking head off. Am I clear?” Gerard said he
had never and since then has never heard his father talk in such a way. To be
honest, I can’t imagine Dad speaking like that to anyone.

But that’s how things with Bert ended.

I know that seems like more than just skimming the surface, but we didn’t go
into how it made and still makes Gerard feel. Brian and I didn’t ask any
questions for the most part. Well, I didn’t ask any at all. I was simply there
to support Gerard. But Brian would occasionally ask Gerard to clarify
something. Mostly we just let Gerard tell as much or as little detail as he
wanted about things.

The ride home was really quiet. Walking up to the house, Gerard again took my
hand in his. He led me to the bedroom where we laid down on the bed facing each
other. Gerard was holding both of my hands like he was afraid I’d slip away
like sand through his fingers. For a long time, we just stayed like that,
looking at each other. I heard Mikey come in from work, but neither of us moved
to greet him. Gerard opened his mouth to say something, and his lower lip
quivered. It was only then that I noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I
put my hand to his cheek and asked him what was wrong. I figured it was old
memories or just the fact we talked about it today. I never expected what he
asked me. “Do you still love me, Frankie, now that you know what I … what I let
him do to me?” I told him of course I love him still and that he didn’t let
Bert do anything to him, that Bert had done that to Gerard without permission.

We lay there a few minutes longer with me stroking his cheek and Gerard looking
a bit more content. “Help me forget these bad memories tonight. Make love to
me, Frankie.” I nodded, and we started taking each other’s clothes off slowly,
reverently. If Gerard wanted love tonight, I was determined to make it happen.
And it all happened so naturally. Gerard laid down on the bed and spread his
legs, so I slowly prepped him. I ran my fingers over his prostate, and Gerard
let out a soft, guttural sound. When he started pushing up against my fingers,
I knew he was ready. I climbed over him and pushed my full length into his
body. “Oh, Frankie,” he breathed out.

Our bodies moved together leisurely, as if we were dancing to the rhythm of a
silent, slow love ballad. I leaned down and kissed him and then kissed a trail
to his ear, nibbling on his earlobe. I felt Gerard run his hands down my back
and cup my asscheeks. But it wasn’t in a raunchy, perverted way. It was like he
was trying to pull me in closer to him.

We never said a word to each other. We didn’t have to. We were connected on a
spiritual level, almost religious, tantric. Our bodies just innately took care
of the other’s needs and desires. It was almost enough to change my mind about
the existence of some supreme being in the sky. For a moment, we were the only
two people on Earth and that moment was perfect.

We climaxed at almost the same time. As I lay on Gerard’s chest listening to
him breath, the sounds from outside the bedroom began coming in again. Mikey
watching TV. The birds chirping. The cars going down the street. The world was
quick to want to take our moment from us. I climbed off Gerard and looked down
at him. He was crying silently. I asked him what was wrong as I wiped his tears
away. He said nothing, that everything was just right. The last thing he said
to me last night was this: “I never needed Xanax. I just needed you, Frankie.”

But there was nothing to be said after that anyway. We both know we love each
other. And even though it was still early, we turned out the light and snuggled
into bed together. Gerard had had a long day. We both had. And quickly we were
asleep curled up together in a place that Bert could never poison.
Chapter End Notes
     I had been struggling to write a decent chapter for this for weeks.
     Every idea I had just wan't good enough to get my fingers to the
     keyboard. While listening to some music yesterday, I realized it
     would be a great time to shed some light on how and why Gerard is
     going through this addiction.
     I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thanks
     for your patience!!
     All my love!
     xo Miz
     (PS-Please, please comment!! I need to know you guys are still out
     there reading this! Thank you!)
***** June 30, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Oh my god, Journal! I have my angry music blaring. Mikey and Gerard are both at
work and I’m just sitting here in the bedroom alone occasionally rattling a
bottle of Gerard’s Xanax. And why am I doing that? I’ll tell you why. Because
this bottle holds all the answers to all the questions I have and is also the
closest I can get to the source of my anger. The source of my anger, just so
you know, is this Bert asshole.

Have you ever wished you could unknow something, Journal? Just wash it from
your mind with a bar of soap or better yet a scouring pad? All of a sudden all
I can do is see Gerard as a victim. I want to give in to his every whim and
treat him like a broken eggshell. I want let him have his addiction because god
damn if he doesn’t deserve to be to be screwed up after what that guy did to
him!

What I really want is five minutes alone with this asshole. Really?! He thinks
it’s okay to treat someone as amazing as Gerard like shit?! He thinks it’s okay
to ruin Gerard’s life by forcing Gerard to become a druggie?! I’ll be happy to
return the favor. I can think of a dozen ways to ruin his life. The front
runner and by far my favorite is to cut his fucking balls off! Sodomize the
asshole with a nice sized steak knife is running a close second. I would just
hold him down and force pills down his throat and tie him up for a while to
piss hisself, but he might like that.

I mean, where did he think he got the right to treat Gerard that way?
Seriously, Journal, why would he think his behavior was okay? Gerard makes
excuses for him. He was afraid of Gerard leaving. Well, what right minded
individual wouldn’t leave that asshole? Even Gerard found a way out of that
mess. He was a mess and miserable, and misery likes company. Uh-huh. Since when
did your boyfriend begging for his life constitute company?! And worst of all,
“it was all my fault because I didn’t make him happy.” Just what. The. Ever
loving. Fuck. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I didn’t realize it was Gerard’s
responsibility to please his boyfriend, myself included! My happiness is my own
responsibility, not Gerard’s. It’s not anyone’s responsibility except my own.
It’s not my responsibility to ensure Gerard’s happiness. Happiness is something
that comes from deep inside of you. It can’t be bought. It can’t be injected,
swallowed, given, nothing.

Asshole cared nothing about Gerard’s happiness, that’s for damn sure. Instead,
he managed to kill every drop of happiness Gerard had. Even now, Gerard
struggles to find happiness. He looks for validation from outside sources. He
needs people to give him permission to be happy.

Well, fine. If Gerard needs permission, I’ll give it to him. Every minute of
every day. If he needs it second by second, I’ll give it to him. Gerard is such
a beautiful person. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to have the self
esteem of an athlete or celebrity or God. Look at all he has done for me! Look
at what he has accomplished despite what he’s been through. Look at the fact
that he’s still fighting to hold on! He’s slowly trying to claw and dig and
crawl his way out of the mire to come back from the abuse he took. He shouldn’t
have to! Gerard is loving and giving to a fault! He’s precious and special!
He’s fucking Gerard!!

Show me one person that would do for me what Gerard has done. Okay, maybe
Mikey, but there are some things that Mikey just can’t help me with. Like
standing up to those who condemn me for being gay. And art lessons. Those are
uniquely Gerard.

Asshole did Gerard no favors. All he did was damage something beautiful. But
even under all that damage, I can still see Gerard’s splendor shining through.
And so can Mikey, Alicia, Mom, Dad, all the guys in the band, random people on
the street, and most importantly Brian. Brian is doing his best to bang out all
of the dents Asshole made in Gerard.

There’s no question about it now. Gerard’s addiction is rooted in that abuse.
The problem is that even though the abuse is over, the damage is done. Gerard
is addicted to killing his pain with Xanax.

I hate Bert! I HATE HIM!! I hope that there is a Hell just so there can be a
special place in it for him! He deserves nothing less than eternal torment.

I’m so angry, Journal. I’m just so angry I feel like crying and screaming at
the same time! I can’t imagine how Gerard feels. I try to, but I can’t imagine
anything worse than how I feel. Just knowing what happened to him grieves me to
my very core. And just writing this, my pulse is up and my breathing is hard
and rapid. I can see how easy it would be to just take one of these Xanax and
just chill the fuck out.

Help me, Journal! Help me be strong when Gerard gets home from work. Help me to
cool down this hate and anger I have in my heart. But most of all, help me help
Gerard. Because I can’t help him like this. I can’t help him when I wound up as
tight as a spring. Please, Journal, HELP ME!
Chapter End Notes
     I'm not sure what to say. I kept trying to brush this chapter under
     the rug. I didn't want to write it, but it kept coming back to me
     over and over.
     Reactions? Anyone?
     xo Miz
     (PS-Thank you to all of you who commented on the last chapter! I
     promise I read each and every comment, and I hope to answer them all
     in the coming couple of days.)
***** July 3, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
July 3, 2000
I'm so exhausted, Journal. I only got a few minutes of sleep every couple of
hours last night. And that was only because I would doze off when my body just
couldn't take anymore. Yes, I hear you, Journal. I should have just slept, but
I just couldn't. I know you'll understand me though.
Gerard was bad off last night. He came home from work Friday complaining he
didn't feel good. I mean, I wasn't happy he didn't feel good, but it was a
needed distraction from thinking about Bert. I tried to get him to eat, but he
wouldn't let me cook anything for him. It was still early in the evening, but
we went to stretch out on the bed anyway. Well, Gerard laid down. I sat beside
him rubbing his back until he fell asleep. For the longest time, I just sat
there watching him sleep. Ever since Brian put him on this new medicine, Gerard
hasn't really slept all that well. Eventually I just cut the light off and
snuggled up close to him.
When I woke up the next morning, Gerard was still asleep. I carefully crawled
out of bed so I wouldn't disturb him. I trudged into the kitchen to make
coffee, only to find Mikey was already doing it. He said, "you two turned in
early last night." I told him that Gerard had been feeling bad. We made our
cups of coffee, and both of us went to settle into the sofa to watch some tv.
A little later, I heard movement in the bedroom. As I got up, Mikey told me to
let him know if we needed anything. Gerard was cussing under his breath and
digging through his art desk when I walked in. I crossed the room and put my
hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at me, and the first thing I noticed
was that he looked like death warmed over. Right as our eyes met, tears
streamed down his face. "I can't find it!" I asked him what he was looking for,
but he turned back to the desk, digging through a different drawer. "I can't
find it, Frankie. It was here, I know it was. Where did it go?!" he mumbled
over and over. At first I thought he might have been looking for a bottle of
pills, the one I had the other day, but I noticed he kept stopping to look at
each notepad before tossing it in the floor and moving on.
I finally squeezed myself between him and the desk, and I took hold of his
hands in mine. He looked broken and terrified. I lifted his hands and lightly
kissed them then said, "If you tell me what you're looking for, I can help you
find it, baby. Just tell me what it is that's missing." His voice was so small.
"My life book, Frankie. It's leather and dark blue. Grandma got it for me. She
got it when I started college. It's my life book!" I tried to hug him and tell
him we'd find it, but he pulled away and started climbing under the bed.
I had no idea what he was talking about. I'd never seen him with a blue leather
book before, and he had never mentioned it either. I quickly ran out to the
living room and asked Mikey if he knew what Gerard was talking about. Mikey
looked confused, and he said, "I can't believe he still has that thing. Yeah,
it's a leather bound sketch book Grandma bought him years ago. He draws
personal stuff in it, like memories and stuff, so he keeps it hidden. Why?" I
told him because Gerard was currently tearing our room apart looking for it,
and I was pretty sure if it wasn't found soon, Gerard was going to have a
complete breakdown. "Come on," Mikey said, and I followed him back to my room.
Luckily Gerard hadn't totally trashed the place before we got back in there. He
was standing motionless in the middle of the floor staring blankly at the wall.
Mikey moved toward Gerard slowly and whispered, "he keeps it somewhere
personal, so start there," to me. I tried to think of someplace Gerard would
hide a book, but I was struggling to focus. I looked over, and Mikey had
managed to get Gerard's attention.
I checked Gerard's desk again. Nothing. In his nightstand. Nothing. I looked
through the books on the bookshelves. Nothing. A few boxes that had never been
unpacked stacked in the closet. No book. I finally thought, maybe he took it to
a different room. Mikey had gotten Gerard to calm down some, so I ran down the
hall to the living room. I stood still for only moment before I noticed his
work bag that he keeps the drawings and stuff from work in. It was laying
against the wall next to the front door. He usually keeps it next to his desk
in the bedroom. It felt wrong to go through it, but I couldn't risk asking him
to go through it and upsetting him again if it wasn't in there. I carefully
opened the satchel and used a single finger to flip through the stacks of
papers and comic books. I was about to close it when I saw another, smaller
compartment in the back. When I peeked in, there was a dark blue, leather book.
I pulled it out and turned it over in my hands. Stamped on the front cover in
silver letters, it read, "The Private Collection of" and in larger letters
below was "Gerard A. Way." I didn't even bother to close his bag back up. I
raced back to the bedroom.
I guess Gerard heard me coming. He was watching the doorway hopefully. I held
up the book and asked, "is this it?" Simultaneously Gerard took the book with
one hand and pulled me in for a kiss with the other. "I'm glad you found it and
not me," Mikey said as he walked past us to leave.
As soon as Gerard broke the kiss, he was back in his own world again. He
grabbed a few pencils off his desk and then settled down on the bed. I was
curious what was in his book, but I didn't want to spy. After all, I had only
learned of it a few minutes ago. Obviously, it was private, and I know I would
feel betrayed if someone, even Gerard, read you without my permission. Instead,
I picked out a book, settling in next to Gerard before opening it. Shortly
after, I heard Mikey leave for work.
For hours, Gerard just sat there drawing in his book. After every couple of
pages I read, I'd glance up at him. He just seemed off. It wasn't like he was
high. It was more like he was in a trance. As the hours drug on, he grew paler
and paler. I kept asking him if he was okay, but he never answered. It was as
if he couldn't hear me.
All of a sudden, he jumped up in a panic, his eyes really wide, and ran for the
bathroom. I followed him. As soon as I reached the door, I saw him collapse in
front of the toilet. He tried to throw up, but all he could do was dry heave. I
noticed he looked flush, but I just assumed it was from gagging while hanging
over the toilet. I tried to help him back to the bedroom, but he just laid down
on the floor right in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. Was it
withdrawals? Was he sick? Did he eat something bad? I finally sat down and put
his head in my lap and just ran my fingers through his hair until I heard Mikey
come in from work. I yelled for him to help me. By then, Gerard was so asleep,
my being loud didn't even bother him.
Mikey came in there, and I told him I didn't know what was wrong. He tried to
wake Gerard up, but Gerard didn't move. Mikey and I exchanged worried glances.
This time I tried waking Gerard up, shaking him harder than Mikey did. He made
a muffled sound in the back of his throat, and finally, FINALLY, he opened his
eyes a little bit. I called his name, but he acted like he wanted to shut his
eyes again. By this point, a panic was growing in my gut. I shook him even
harder, calling his name again. This time his eyes opened enough that it looked
like he had focused on me.
"Babe, can you get up?" Gerard nodded languidly. Slowly he slid his hands
across the floor, but he didn't seem to have the strength to push himself up
into a sitting position. Instead, he rolled onto his stomach and managed to get
onto his hands and knees. From there, Mikey got one side and I got the other.
It took us at least 15 minutes to get him upright and back to the bed.
I turned to Mikey and said, "I think he needs to go to the hospital, Mikes.
There's something seriously wrong." I felt a tickle on my palm and looked down.
Gerard was trying to get his hand into mine. I laced our fingers, squeezing his
hand, and he ever so lightly pulled on my arm. I knelt down beside the bed.
"Please, Frankie. Don't make me go. I didn't take anything. I swear, Frankie."
A tear ran down his pallid cheek. "I don't want to go back there."
I smiled at him my best smile, which was weak at best, and brushed my fingers
over his cheek. "Sweetheart, I don't mean rehab. You're really sick! You need a
doctor." Gerard turned his head away from me. I knew he was crying. Mikey said
he was going to call Mom and Dad. I slid into bed beside Gerard and waited. I
didn't even know what I was waiting for. Gerard was already asleep again, tear
streaks still wet on his face.
Less than five minutes past before Mom came in our room faster than I had ever
seen her move. "He won't go to the hospital. I'm really scared, Mom. What do we
do?" She put her hand to his forehead then frowned. "He's feverish. I'm calling
the paramedics," she stated in a tone I knew meant not to argue with her. I
clung to Gerard's hand, holding it tightly to my chest.
Time no longer had any value. Before I knew what was happening, two EMTs were
in our room. One was trying to wake him up while the other one took his blood
pressure and stuck three sticky things to his chest, connecting wires to them
afterwards. Gerard seemed completely lifeless. "His vitals are stable," the
second guy said. "What's his name?" the other one asked me. I looked up from
Gerard for a second to answer and saw Mom talking to a female paramedic in the
doorway.
The first guy started calling Gerard's name and then rubbed the middle of
Gerard's chest with his knuckles. Gerard drew in a sharp, ragged breath, his
eyes flying open. He looked around the room, finally settling his gaze on me.
"I'm sorry, baby! Mom called them," I whimpered. A hint of smile crossed his
lips, and I was filled with a dozen emotions all at once. The first EMT called
his name again, and Gerard rolled his head to look at him.
"Hey, buddy. Do you think you can answer some questions for me?" Gerard stated
flatly that he wasn't going to any hospital. "Okay," the guy said
sympathetically, "but I need you to answer a few questions for me, so I can
determine if you're fit enough to make that decision." Gerard nodded his head.
I laced my fingers with his while the guy started asking Gerard questions.
Gerard knew where he was and when it was. He told them what he had told me,
that he hadn't taken anything other than his prescription today. The guy asked
when was the last time Gerard had taken Xanax. Gerard said almost a month ago.
Finally the guy said, "Okay, buddy, one more question and I'll leave you alone.
Do you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else?" Gerard hesitated, and my
heart skipped a beat until I realized that Gerard was simply out of energy
again. "No," he barely breathed. "Well, I can't make you go with us if you
don't want to go. But if you get any worse, you need to call us back and let us
get you to a doctor." Gerard nodded again and closed his eyes. The paramedic
gave me an apologetic smile, and then both of them gathered their bags and
walked out of the room.
I heard Mom in the living room pleading with them to "just take him anyway." I
got up and shut our bedroom door. Gerard had made his decision. It was his
life, his call as far as I was concerned. All I could do now was hope that some
higher power answered my heart's begging for him to be okay. As I walked back
toward the bed, I picked Gerard's sketch book up off the floor where he had
dropped it haphazardly before. I flipped it open to take his pencil out of it
and stopped dead in my tracks. There was a picture of me with a halo. Under it
was written "my personal patron saint, my Frankie" in Gerard's all print
handwriting.
I heard the doorknob rattle, so I closed the book and set it on Gerard's
nightstand. I couldn't bring myself to see who it was. I just stared at Gerard.
I knew it was Mom though. I could smell that sweet perfume of hers. She put her
hand on my shoulder. "Frank, can't you talk some sense into him? He listens to
you!"
I was so torn. I felt Gerard had a right to have a say in all of this, but I
didn't want him to die. And he was Mom's son before he was my boyfriend, but I
owed it to Gerard to fight for him like he had done for me so many times
before. I swallowed hard and shook my head, never taking my eyes off of him.
"No, Mom. I tried. If it comes to a point I don't think he's able to make sound
decisions -" I choked up and took a deep, shaky breath. "His decision needs to
be respected," I forced myself to say. I reached down and brushed a strand of
hair off Gerard's face and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Mom closed the door
back as she left. Then I nearly fell apart.
I collapsed on my side of the bed, physically exhausted and emotionally
drained, but I couldn't sleep. I simply watched Gerard breathe. The steady
rising and falling of his chest were comforting in some way. Time was still
lost on me, so I don't know how long had past when Gerard started pouring
sweat. It seemed like only minutes had past before he had almost soaked the
sheets. Just as quickly, he stopped sweating and started shivering. I knew he
was getting worse. This went on in cycles throughout the night. Gerard's body
was fighting, but I didn't know how much longer I could just sit by idly. I put
my head on his shoulder and began to cry. I begged and pleaded out loud with a
god I wasn't even sure existed.
But someone was listening. Gerard wrapped his arm around me, and I jerked my
head up to look at him, tears still falling down my face. The first rays of
morning sunlight fell across his face, giving Gerard a little color in his
cheeks. A new hope bloomed inside me. "I think it's time I see that doctor
now," he said weakly. A new flood of tears welled up in my eyes as I nodded
okay and kissed him. Then I ran to tell Mom to call the ambulance again. Fear
overtook her worried face, but I told her that he was okay and had agreed to
go.
After that, things were a whirlwind. Uniformed people were in and out of the
bedroom. Gerard was moved to a stretcher and loaded up in the back of the
ambulance. I rode with him while Mom, Dad, and Mikey followed us. I stroked
Gerard's hair and held his hand and kissed his face, assuring him over and over
I was right there while they started an IV in his other arm. Sirens blared as
the ambulance swerved in and out of traffic, and Gerard's head swayed
listlessly with the movement, his eyes barely open.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was separated from him so they could get him
situated. I sat down in a chair in the waiting room. All I could do was put my
head down in my hands rubbing circles over my temples. The thought "he's safe
now. He's going to be okay," played on repeat in my mind. I didn't hear anyone
come in, so I was startled when Mom put her arms around me. I buried my head in
her shoulder and just let go of all the emotions and stress that was
overwhelming me. I cried out ugly sobs, but I didn't care. Mom rubbed my back
and whispered in my ear, "You did good, Frank. He's going to be fine. You did
so good."
I was still getting myself composed when the doctor came in. "He's stable for
now. We're running some tests to make sure there's not more going on, but it
looks like he's having a bad reaction to the medicine he's taking." I
interrupted saying that didn't make sense, that he's been talking it for over a
month now. The doctor said, "He's probably been reacting badly to it the whole
time, but the withdrawal symptoms were masking it. In essence, he's been
fighting it while wounded. His body finally couldn't handle it anymore, so it's
trying to shut down to repair itself. The good news is that there's no
permanent damage. He just has to discontinue use of it." God, I hate the way
doctors talk. Then he asked who Frank was. I raised my hand slightly. "He's
been asking for you. If the rest of you can wait a little longer, you can come
back soon. Frank, follow me."
He led me to a small room. I stepped in, and there lay Gerard asleep. A nurse
was hanging a large bag of something and connecting it to Gerard's IV with some
tubes. "He's pretty dehydrated, so we're giving him some fluids. Plus, it'll
help flush all of that medicine out of his system." I nodded my understanding
and walked to the side of the bed. "Barring any further complications, he
should stay for a 24 hour observation, and then you can take him back home." I
knew Gerard wasn't going to allow that to happen, but I kept my mouth shut for
the time being. After that, I was left alone with Gerard. I took his hand in
mine, closed my eyes, and took a few deep, calming breaths.
"Please don't make me stay here, Frankie." I looked up to find Gerard watching
me. "I won't. I promise." He smiled softly at me, some of the tension in his
demeanor fading away, and I put my other hand on his cheek, rubbing my thumb
over the crest of his cheekbone. "You just rest now," I told him. "I'll take
you home in a little bit." He started to fall asleep but jerked awake just
slightly. "I love you," he said before he was out again. I simply leaned over
and kissed his head in reply.
Mom, Dad, and Mikey took turns checking on him since only two people can be
back here at once. Brian came in not too long ago. He said that right now until
Gerard recovers from this completely, he's going to have to go back on Xanax. I
explained to him that Gerard didn't want to stay and that I thought it stemmed
from his bad experience at Belleville. Brian said there wasn't any medical
justification for making him stay. He said he'd check in on Gerard after the
holiday on Wednesday. I thanked him for everything, and he left to make
arrangements with the emergency doctors for me to take him home today.
Actually, we should be able to leave soon.
Compared to the ash color of his skin earlier, Gerard has started to get a
little color back. He's woke up a couple of times needing to pee. I helped him
use a urinal since he's still too weak to get the bathroom or stand in there
alone. He seemed embarrassed, but I told him I didn't mind. And really,
Journal, I don't mind at all. The rest of the time I have sat here next to his
bed holding his hand and watching him sleep.
Well, I'm going to go for now, Journal. I've been writing to you off and on
just to keep my mind occupied. Thank you for listening. I'll keep you posted on
how things are going!
Chapter End Notes
     I know it has been almost a year since I last updated it, but my
     promise to never abandon this story stands. I think about this fic
     often. I have simply lost my direction for it. I don't want to post
     just for the sake of posting because I owe it to you, my characters,
     and the guys the characters are based on to give it my best. I owe it
     to myself to write something I'm proud of.
     So for now, just know that I'm still around in the shadows and will
     post when I can.
     With all my love!
     xo Miz
***** July 11, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
It's been a week since Gerard had to go to the hospital. Brian had a hard time
convincing them to let him go home, but he did it. I figured having Gerard back
on Xanax would make things a little better. Instead, things are worse. Gerard
is fucking grumpy as all Hell because he didn't want to be on the shit, but he
can't function without something at this point.
I only know because we had a nice talk last night. We sat knees to knees on the
bed with our hands held to the other's hands just talking about everything.
He's worried about being on the Xanax again. That I'm not going to trust him.
That it's going to get out of control. That he's never going to be able to
stop.
I told him I feel bad that he think he needs to make himself sick to quit for
me. I know now this isn't going to be easy or fast, that there isn't a quick
fix to this problem. I assured him that he had more than proven himself to me
and I trust him as much as I think I can.
Then he shocked me by talking about Bert. He's sick of Bert ruining his life.
He hates that Bert still hold power over him. He called him a son of a bitch
when he said he wanted him to die. He said he just wants to be free of all
that. I asked him why he thinks Bert still has power, and Gerard just shook his
head. I didn't press though. He's slowly opening up to me, and I figure when
he's ready, he'll tell me.
We talked about the show coming up. Gerard promised to be good and stay close
to me. But not like in a derogatory way. It was more like he's proud of me and
wants to bask in that. I admitted I'm scared shitless. It's one thing to play
for a couple of people I know. It's another to play for a room full of
strangers that paid to hear good music. Gerard swore it's good music though.
He made me feel good when he said that he feels about my guitar playing the way
I do about his drawing. He wants to play with that kind of ease and natural
ability. I didn't know he played at all. He said he hasn't played in a while,
but I made him promise to play for me eventually. He did.
But there's something else, Journal. Something I haven't told anyone. This show
are about to play? It feels like a release of tension coming. Just the nerves
and jitters plus all the shit with Gerard and everything is all coming to a
head, and I really feel like this show is going to be fucking amazing! I can
just put everything into it and let it all go in one 30 minute set.
Of course I'm worried about fucking up, but that's just it, Journal. The song
goes on, the show goes on, the world keeps moving. That's a freeing thought!
So we have some t-shirts and pins and copies of our handful of songs to sell.
Mikey is our official merch/PR guy. Alicia is helping with equipment. Mom and
Dad promised to be there too. I told them it's going to be loud and crazy, but
they said they'll find the “parents’ seating.” They've obviously done this a
time or twelve.
The only thing I really have left to talk about is Gerard. Beyond being grumpy,
there's something up with him. He's hiding something. I know he's not cheating
on me, and I honestly don't think it's drugs. I just can't figure it out. I
wish he would just talk to me. But for now, I'm letting it be. When he's ready,
I'm sure he'll say something.
I'm sorry this is short and just kind of a clusterfuck of thoughts, Journal.
It's just how my mind is today. I'll talk to you later.
Bye, Journal!
Chapter End Notes
     I know this is so short, but it's setting up the next few chapters.
     Something big is about to happen in the guys' lives, and it's going
     to affect them all. You just have no idea.
     As always, your patience with the deadly slow updates is greatly
     appreciated! I love each of you!
     Hugs and kisses,
     xo Miz
***** July 20, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
So, Journal, you know how I told you Gerard was hiding something? Well he was.
I noticed he had been keeping a tight hold on his phone and stuff like that,
but I didn't put it together.
The night before he left his phone on the nightstand when he went to the
bathroom. He did it on purpose I think. It was on and open to his texts. I
almost smashed his fucking phone!
That goddammed son of a bitch Bert has been texting him. And not just texting
him. THREATENING him. I'm going to kill the mother fucker. I'm literally going
to beat his ass to a bloody fucking pulp. And then I'm going to cut off his
balls he doesn't deserve and make him eat them. I swear to god on Mom’s grave,
I will end that no good piece of shit twice!
Gerard tries to fight back, but you can tell he's scared. You can read it
between the lines that this mother fucker has a hold over him. But that’s if
Gerard even replies. Most of the texts aren't even replied to.
When Gerard came back in the room and saw me with his phone, he just sat down
and lit a cigarette. I asked him how long it's been going on. He didn't try to
play dumb. He immediately answered almost two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS,
JOURNAL!
Gerard wouldn't look at me. He just chewed on his nails while staring at the
floor. I asked him if Mikey knew. He said no. No one knows he said. Not even
Brian. I told him Mikey was going to know. He didn't respond. He just kept
counting the carpet fibers.
Looking back, Journal, that really bothers me. I think he was scared of me. Not
because of anything I've done, but just like a residual scared of that asshole
kind of scared.
That's why Gerard has been acting so weird. He's back in that dark place
without anything or anyone to help him. Well, I'm going to help him once and
for all. I'm going to end this shit for good.
While Gerard was at work yesterday, I talked to Mikey. He punched the wall and
said the same things I did. That’s one dead bitch walking. He just don't know
it yet.
Mikey and I made a plan. We texted him pretending to be Gerard and set up a
meeting tomorrow night. With that in place, the rest was easy. Me, Mikey, and
Gerard will show up at the park after dark when it's closed. We're going to
give that bastard a taste of his own medicine, and once he's submitted, we're
going to give Gerard his turn. We are literally going to show Gerard that this
monster has no power anymore.
Gerard doesn't know about any of it. Mikey and I said we aren't going to tell
him either. We're just going to go and let Gerard figure it out. I think it'll
be easier on Gerard like that. I mean, nothing about this is going to be easy
for him, but I don't think him worry about it will help. It'll make it worse
for him if anything.
Wish that bastard luck, Journal. He's going to need it.
Chapter End Notes
     It's another really short chapter, I know. I'm very sorry, but I
     swear the next chapter is going to be so long and so worth it! Who
     else is excited about Bert finally getting his just desserts? I am so
     very much enjoy writing it!
     Hugs and loves to all! Thanks for reading! (Leave me some comments of
     things you want to see them do to Bert!)
     xo Miz
***** July 22, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
     This chapter is dedicated to one of my most enthusiastic readers,
     Pilutta. Thank you for all your quiet but unyielding affection!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Hey, Journal, you ever have a pain that just feels so damn good? Like, it
feels… right? My knuckles are bruised and kind of swollen, and I know it’s so
wrong, but it just feels so good to make a fist, stretching my sore skin tight.
It makes me remember just how great it felt to smash in that smug bastard’s
face. Oh yeah, Journal. Last night was the night. Gerard learned he didn’t have
to fear that mother fucker any longer because the bitch got his ass whipped.
Yesterday, Mikes and I were anxious as all hell. Gerard knew something was up
because he kept asking me if I was okay and if I was mad at him and stuff like
that. I wasn't really lying to him when I told him no, but it felt like I was.
I was so ready to give that piece of shit what he deserved, and I wanted to
tell Gerard so he could prepare himself for what was going to happen. But I
knew saying anything to Gerard was a bad idea for a hundred different reasons.
So when the sun started to set, I told Gerard, “Come on. We're going out for a
little bit.” He asked where to, and Mikey said he'd find out when we got there.
I could tell Gerard was uneasy. I assured him everything was fine, that we just
needed to take care of something. Gerard mumbled okay.
We all climbed in Mikey’s car. Mikey and I talked about it beforehand and
agreed it’d be best if I sat in back with Gerard. Gerard chewed on this
thumbnail while he stared out the window. I had been holding his hand, but I
let go for a minute as we got close to the park. He turned to look at me, and I
dug into my pocket for the bottle of pills I had taken from Gerard’s drawer
earlier. I handed him the bottle and told him to take one or even two. He just
looked at me. I know it was crazy to him, so I told him, “I know you’re going
to need them. Just take at least one, for me.” Gerard looked towards Mikey. I
guess Mikey saw him in the rearview because Mikes said, “No one’s going be mad
or anything. Just do what Frank says.” I opened the bottle and dumped two in
Gerard’s hand. Gerard looked at them like they were poison, but he finally
swallowed them down.
After a minute of chewing on his nail some more, he finally said, “I took them
like you asked. So what's going on?” I asked him if he remembered how we told
each other we couldn't fix things if we didn't know what they were. He shifted
in his seat and then nodded his head. I told him, “Well, I'm fixing it. Once
and for all.”
Mikey pulled into the dark park. “Uh, the park is dangerous after sundown. You
two know that, don't you?” Gerard asked with a panicky voice. I squeezed his
hand and replied back, “Yeah. Some people have no idea how dangerous it's going
to be tonight.” Gerard asked me what that meant. I asked him if he trusted me.
He said of course. So I said, “okay. I'm asking you to trust me now. Will you
come with me?” Gerard looked me eye to eye like he was drawing strength from me
and then he simply nodded again.
All three of us got out of the car and walked past the abandoned playground. I
led the way with Gerard clinging to my arm. I'm pretty sure he had some idea
why we were there. When we reached the spot I had agreed to meet at, I felt my
blood trying to boil. That asshole said he just wanted to talk, but it was
obvious he had more in mind than talking. It was absolutely isolated from
anything. I'm willing to bet he had planned to rape Gerard again. Or kill him.
In that moment, I was glad Mikey and I hatched this little scheme. I doubt
Gerard would have ever agreed to meet up with him, but the whole idea that this
predator was out there gunning for the man I love… Oh my god, Journal, it was
all I could do to stay calm outwardly. I was so beyond pissed!
I turned to Gerard and told him again I needed him to trust me. I said, “Mikes
and I have your back, and we aren't going to let anything happen to you, I
swear. I will die before that happens, okay?” Gerard said we were scaring him
and he wanted to know what was going on, so I simply told him Bert would be
here any minute.
Immediately Gerard went white, and tears flooded his eyes threatening to spill
down his face. I asked him, “Do you trust me, Gerard?” He nodded he did, the
movement knocking a tear loose. I wiped it away and then kissed him. There was
movement behind me and then a voice I didn't recognize.
“Aw, how sweet. I see you brought backup, G boy. That was very wrong. You know
I'm going to punish you for that.” Gerard shrank into a shadow behind me.
I saw red. Did that bastard really just say that?! I spun around and shoved a
finger in his face, shouting, “The only person getting punished tonight is
you!” He laughed. “Are you his new owner? You're a little firecracker, aren't
you? So how did I do? Does he behave for you better than he did for me?”
Seriously, Journal, the guy had some nerve. And my fist in his face. I
literally hauled off and hit him right in the mouth.
He stumbled backwards, wiping blood from his lower lip. Mikey jumped in then.
“You are never, and I do mean never, going to contact him again. Am I clear?”
This asshole squared off with Mikey, eyeing him up and down while asking
Gerard, “Really? You're going to send your little brother and your new faggot
to fight your battles for you now?” This time Mikey fucked him up. Mikey hit
him twice in the eye.
The bastard went after Gerard then, but Mikey and I got between them. He
sneered and tried to swing at me. After that, he ate dirt. I put him down hard
and climbed over him. I hit him until his face was a bloody mess. The whole
time I told him that HE is the worthless piece of shit, that HE should be the
one being taught how to behave, that HE should be the one broken and scarred
from years of abuse. Mikey was kicking him to punctuate my words.
But we got what we wanted. The asshole finally choked on a tooth I knocked out,
and then he started begging us to stop, making promises to never bother Gerard
ever again, swearing he'd apologize, anything just name it.
I stood back up and turned to Gerard. Gerard looked petrified, his eyes wide
and breathing heavily. Mikey kicked the asshole a few times to keep him down
while I talked to Gerard, putting the last of our plan into action. I told him,
“this is your chance. You can do whatever you want to him, Gerard. Mikey and I
are right here, we have your back.”
Gerard looked at my bloody hands, Mikey, and then to his ex. Tears ran down his
face, but determination was written all over his face. He walked over and
jerked Bert up by his shirt. He pulled back his fist, and then Gerard, my
beautiful Gerard, did something I never saw coming.
Bert looked up as best he could at Gerard, and through split, bleeding, swollen
lips, he said, “I'm sorry. Please don't, Gerard.” Gerard stood for a moment
longer with his fist balled tight before lowering it. Gerard said, “You don't
have power over me anymore, Bert. When I was begging you to stop, all I wanted
was a tiny bit of mercy. I'm giving you the mercy you never once gave me.” With
that Gerard dropped him back to the earth and walked away.
I followed him to make sure he was okay while Mikey stayed to make sure that
mother fucker understood we'd beat his ass again and again until the message
sank in crystal clear.
I just let Gerard walk a few steps ahead of me back to the car. Just letting
him have some space. As soon as we hit the parking lot, Gerard spun and laid
the deepest kiss on me. It wasn't a sex kiss either. It was like he was finally
free after a long captivity. When he broke the kiss, he looked me in the eyes
and simply said, “I love you.”
And that was that. Everyone slept like babies last night. Honestly, Journal,
it's the best sleep I've ever seen Gerard get. And I know because I spent half
the night just watching him with the most peaceful face anyone can ever have.
Now I have to ice my hand because I have a show to play on Tuesday. Talk to you
later!
Chapter End Notes
     I hate asking for comments, but I need to know what you guys are
     thinking about this chapter. If few people even care, I can bring
     this to an end soon, or I can keep running with it. Please let me
     know what you think and if you'd like this to end soon or keep going,
     whether that be here or Twitter or wherever.
     My love to all!
     xo Miz
***** July 26, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
     Here's a helpful reminder: Benson is the lead guitarist and lead
     singer, James is percussion/drums, and Jenny is the bass player.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Hey, Journal. 
 
It's late Wednesday afternoon, and I just got up. Last night was insane. I
mean, like literally, mind-blowing. I've never heard myself play like last
night. I mean, I've heard myself play of course, but last night everything was
so loud and the people were screaming and I might have had a beer or three to
calm me down. I don't even know where to start. 
 
So my nerves were shot. I was in the bathroom puking up my guts because the
guys warned me not to eat if I get nervous. Gerard's in the bathroom stall with
me holding back my hair, and I'm trying not to touch the fucking nasty as shit
toilet. Finally I can't puke any more up, so Gerard pulls me to the bar and
orders two beers. I'm pretty sure he was floating on Xanax, and I actually
asked him for one, but he warned me not to mix it with alcohol as he pushed a
beer in my hand saying, "It'll calm your nerves." 
 
I ended up throwing the first beer up, but I kept down the next two. They
tasted like piss, but they did the trick. So I walk out on stage finally. The
lights are so bright I can barely see the crowd of people. I just clung to my
guitar like it was a security blanket. I could see Gerard just off stage
nursing a beer and smiling at me, and I think that was the only thing that kept
me on the stage. I could make out Mikey at our merch table. There's a couple of
people looking at our stuff, but Mikey was just cheering us on. I could hear
his voice over everyone else. Poor Alicia was busy handling the people.  
 
Anyway, so James counted out the beat and then started the first song, and I
almost missed my cue. I was just frozen with fear, but the crowd was nice
enough to quieten down and listen. Benson is a fucking beast, man. You can tell
he's done fronted a band before. So after the first song, he introduces us as a
band and shouts some stuff to get the crowd riled up. Then we start another
song.  
 
Benson is screaming the lyrics to Pain. 
 
"He likes to hang out with no one 
He likes to kick back with a lost love 
But when left alone 
His mind turns straight to pain 
 
Does he love pain as much as misery? 
Does he love misery as much as grief? 
 
He's not too fond of love 
He really hates happiness 
But he thinks back to pain 
And he's sedated once again. 
 
Does he love pain as much as misery? 
Does he love misery as much as grief?" 
 
I mean, I can't help but try to match his energy. Benson is screaming like his
lungs are on fire and the crowd is fucking eating it up. People are jumping and
repeating lyrics back and starting a mosh pit. Like I said, it was insane.  
 
As the crowd hears more songs, more people check out our merch. By now, Mikey
is having to help Alicia. I take a quick glance at Gerard, and he's right there
just smiling at me giving me a thumbs-up sign. It goes on like that for three
more songs. Just people everywhere, and they're all just jamming to the music
we're playing.  
 
So we introduce the next act, and then we get ready to play our last song,
Master of Suicide, right? It's kind of slower, but it's a great outro. The end
goes: 
 
"Master of suicide 
I'm pulling your hair 
Twisting your words and smashing your hopes 
Blinded by me, you can't see the glare 
Just call my name and I'll help you cope 
Master 
Master 
Just call my name and I'll help you cope 
Master of suicide 
 
Sixty-nine is the number of Death 
 
Is it the end, my friend? 
Master you're going 'round the bend 
No, no, please, no 
Sixty-nine, sixty-nine." 
 
We both know these are only parts of the songs but damn if I don't love these
lyrics. Like, holy fuhk! Anyway, we sold out of merch as soon as our set was
over. As soon as I walked off stage Gerard has me in a bear hug. I could hardly
breathe he was holding me so tight. I know he was talking to me, but I was so
deaf by then I couldn't tell what he was saying. Plus, it's noisy backstage
with all the commotion of three bands moving around.  
 
Let's talk about backstage for a minute. I'm glad I kept Gerard busy in the
bathroom because there was a ton of drugs being passed around. Most of it was
light, but I know I saw people doing coke. Plus, everyone was drinking
regardless if they were old enough to drink. It's like having a stage pass is
an all exemption pass. The rules just don’t apply.  
 
After Gerard let me go, I grabbed a bottle of water and all of us headed out to
the merch table. Jenny jumped in to help Alicia and Mikey sell the last of our
stuff, and me, Benson, and James all talked to people. It was cool as hell.
People really liked us!! I even signed some of our merch for people! Tell me
that's not wicked, Journal. 
 
Of course we hung around to watch Muse play. I mean, who wouldn't?! They're
totally awesome. And really great dudes too.  
 
After it was all over and people had left, we got the last of our stage gear
packed up and back in our rented van. We'll eventually need to buy one because
the rental fee was half of what we earned for the night, but still, we came out
with a little money in our pockets after paying everything. Hauling our own
equipment saved us a bunch of money. By the time we got it all unloaded at
Benson's and got home, it was after three in the morning. I'm pretty sure I was
asleep before I got laid down. I know Gerard was asleep before we even got
home. 
 
So that's basically it, Journal. That's the story of my first show, and I'm
sticking to it.
Chapter End Notes
     I am not the greatest song writer, so please be nice.
     I love you all for waiting so long for updates! Thank you so much for
     sticking with me.
     Hugs and loves to each and every reader!
     xo Miz
***** August 2, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dear Journal,
Today sucks! Mikey and Alicia broke up. It was amicable, but still. They aren’t
together as a couple anymore. I kind of saw it coming. They’ve been more best
friends than lovers here lately. The main reason is because Alicia is going off
the college next month, and she’s not going to be around very much given she’s
moving to California for school. Mikey seems less upset about it than I am. But
all I’ve ever known is Mikey and Alicia as a couple.
We booked several more shows since the last one, and Alicia said she’s still
going to help Mikey with the merch until she leaves. I know I wasn’t very fond
of girls a while ago, but I have to admit that Alicia has grown on me. She’s
the sister I never had.
So like I said, we booked more shows! That’s so great! The guy at the venue
said we’d been requested by a few people to come back and play again, plus the
band we opened for like our sound, so presto, we booked more shows!! Two are
opening for other bands at the same venue and three are opening for the same
band at different venues. Cool, huh?
Gerard has been doing better. He’s only been taking his prescribed amount of
Xanax. And he’s been drawing more and being more affectionate. Even in public.
He really acts like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
Last night we had sex twice. Once I topped, and then he topped. But he had been
drinking so it wasn’t our usual love making, it was just straight out fucking.
I’m not sure I appreciate him drinking though. Don’t get me wrong, the sex and
affection is great. But Gerard can’t seem to have just one or two beers. He
drinks until he’s drunk. Like at our show a week ago, he was popping Xanax and
drinking like a fish the whole night. I know he’s just celebrating the defeat
of the asshole, but still. I don’t want him to become dependent on alcohol like
he is on Xanax.
I don’t know, Journal. Maybe I’m micromanaging his life. Well, I am because
I’ve had to in the past, but I mean maybe I’m just seeing something that isn’t
there. Maybe Gerard can handle this. Maybe I need to let go a little and see
how he does without my constant nagging and overprotection.
He says that the asshole hasn’t tried to contact him again. I trust that he
would tell me if he did. I almost wish he would. I want another chance to beat
that guy’s ass. I mean, it really bothers me what he did to Gerard. And the
things he said to Gerard at the park just proved that Gerard isn’t lying about
the things that asshole did. I swear, every time we go to see Brian, another
horrible detail comes out. Gerard is slowly opening up and talking about it. I
think it helps.
Speaking of Brian, no one has mentioned to him yet that we beat the shit out of
him in the park after dark. After all, we did break quiet a few laws. I’m not
sure if Brian would be proud or have to report us if he knew. But at this
point, if Gerard ever feels the need to tell him, I’m going to let him and I’ll
just deal with the consequences.
Well, Journal, I think I’m going to sign off for now. Gerard should be getting
home from work soon. Bye!
Chapter End Notes
     First, my apologies that it has taken me so long to get another
     chapter up. I've been steady working on Sing for Me, Pretty with my
     editor. I'm hoping to have it done and self published on Amazon by
     the end of the year.
     I really appreciate those of you who come back time and time again to
     read each new chapter!! I'm not sure when I'm going to end this
     story, but I can say confidently that I know how it ends now. I
     really think you all are going to like what I plan to do.
     Loves and hugs to everyone out there!!
     xo Miz
***** August 24, 2000 *****
Chapter Notes
     This chapter is dedicated to MissStroup, one of my loyal readers on
     this story. Thank you so much for your comments and love!!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Hey, Journal. It’s been a rough couple of days. Gerard has been in the hospital
the last three days. He came home this morning, and we had to go see Brian this
afternoon. It’s now late, and Gerard is curled up beside me sleeping. Well,
technically I guess he’s knocked out on Xanax. I love him so much that it hurts
to see him doing this to himself, hurting himself like this. But what hurts me
worse are the stories he tells, first about Bert and now Belleville Asylum.
So we played another show. I heard Mikey telling Gerard to slow down on the
alcohol, but I was too distracted to get into the conversation. I mean, Gerard
is an adult and shouldn’t need babysat every time we go out. Anyway, I played
the set with the band and things were going good. The crowd was super into us,
we had plenty of people buying our merch, we sounded fantastic. It was a dream
come true. Right up until I noticed Mikey missing from the merch table. I
looked around as best I could in the bright lights of the stage to find Mikey
leaning over Gerard who was laying on the floor. I cut off the stage after
letting the guys know, so they played the last song of the set without me.
When I got to Gerard, I realized he was unconscious. Mikey hadn’t called an
ambulance yet. He wasn’t sure what to do. I took one look at Gerard and I made
the decision to call them. Gerard was ghost white and hardly breathing. I can
only imagine that’s what happens when you mix two different downers. EMS got
there, and I told them he had been drinking on Xanax. They gave him a shot of
something to help him wake up enough to breathe better, but he was still way
out of it.
In the emergency room, the decision was made that he needed to stay overnight.
I knew Gerard wouldn’t be happy about that, but I didn’t argue after listening
to Brian. Gerard was severely dehydrated, on the verge of alcohol poisoning,
and still technically unconscious. Honestly, I wanted to argue that he couldn’t
stay, but Mom and Dad were there by then, and they helped convince me that he
needed to stay this time. Mom assured me that I could be there with him the
entire time to make sure no one did anything to him.
When Gerard finally woke up the next afternoon, he looked broken, like I had
betrayed him. I tried to explain to him that I did it for his own good, that he
was really sick this time. He said he had been really sick before, and I had
convinced them to let him go home. I told him that Brian did that last time and
this time Brian wasn’t willing to do that for him and that I had no control
over the situation. It was just a short stay in a hospital and I wasn’t leaving
his side until he was discharged. That seemed to placate him temporary. Right
up until the doctor came in.
The doctor wanted to commit Gerard to a rehab program, and Gerard fell apart.
He started threatening to hurt himself if we made him go. At that point, Brian
was called in again. He came in to talk to us alone. It was just me, Gerard,
and Brian because Gerard refused to talk with anyone else in the room. Brian
said Gerard needed a really good reason this time if Brian was going to argue
for him going home instead of being turned over to a rehab program. Gerard
said, “Bad things happen in rehab. If you send me back there, I will kill
myself.” Brian asked Gerard what kind of bad things.
I don’t know what I expected, but Gerard said the orderly didn’t like him at
all. He would refuse to get the nurse when Gerard needed her and wouldn’t give
Gerard the proper medications. Then one day Gerard was having a particularly
bad pain day. When the orderly refused to help him, Gerard admitted he got
violent. He said, “I threw a tantrum, destroying my room.” At that point,
Gerard started crying. He said he was sedated and when he came to, he was
restrained to the bed. He was kept that way for more days than he could
remember, but it was close to a week. Gerard said he threw up on himself,
pissed and shit on himself, and the orderly just laughed at him, taunted him
saying shit like, “I’m in control around here, you little pussy. I’m god.”
I really don’t blame Gerard for not wanting to go back there. Brian said he’d
look into the accusations, but for now Gerard could go home in a day or two if
he agreed to Brian’s terms. Those terms were that Gerard had to attend a day
program every morning for two weeks and no more drinking for a while. Plus,
Gerard had to come see Brian as soon as he was discharged from the hospital.
Gerard agreed, so that ended that. The rest of the time in the hospital went
okay.
But I think Mikey and I messed up when made Gerard confront Bert. Gerard’s
drinking has never been a problem until then. I asked Gerard about it, but he
blew me off with another art lesson. I know better than to dig when Gerard
buried himself in his art to avoid an issue, and art is infinitely better than
Xanax or alcohol, so I let him be.
I almost told Brian what we did, but I wanted to try to talk to Gerard alone
first. I’m not sure if Mikey has made the connection, but with the mood he’s
been in lately, I’m not going to bring it up in case Mikey hasn’t. I fear the
consequences on that one.
I just don’t know what to do, Journal. I really wish you could help me.
Chapter End Notes
     Well, I'm not sure where this chapter came from. I was lying in bed
     last night, and it just came to me. I'm telling you, Frank talks to
     me. Anyway, this is two chapters in two days. Maybe I will post again
     before another three months goes by.
     Hugs and loves to all!!
     xo Miz
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