Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7943971.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Captain_America_(Movies), Stucky_-_Fandom
  Relationship:
      James_"Bucky"_Barnes/Steve_Rogers, James_"Bucky"_Barnes_&_Steve_Rogers,
      Stucky
  Character:
      Steve_Rogers, James_"Bucky"_Barnes
  Additional Tags:
      Childhood_Abuse, Dom!Bucky, Pre-Serum_Steve_Rogers, pre-serum_stucky,
      WWII_Stucky, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Fear_of_Sexuality, Angst, Smut,
      Internalized_Homophobia, Anxiety_Disorder, Virgin_Steve_Rogers, Orphans,
      Religious_Guilt
  Series:
      Part 1 of Good_Enough
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-09-03 Completed: 2016-09-12 Chapters: 9/9 Words: 16544
****** Good Enough: Part One ******
by TheBananasaurus
Summary
     Is scrawny little Steve Rogers good enough for handsome, skirt-
     chasing Bucky Barnes? For Bucky, it's bad enough that he's at least
     somewhat homosexual in an age that hardly welcomes their kind, but
     living with the man he'd been in love with since they were teenagers
     was beginning to be pure torture, and he's turned to the drink to
     drown his feelings out.
     For Steve, it's gonna take a whole lot more than booze to reveal why
     romance scares the living piss out of him.
     Together, they learn the secrets they've hidden so well from each
     other, all thanks to a little liquid courage.
***** You're Drunk *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
                              November_30th,_1940
This was hardly unusual, Bucky being late. He usually stopped at the bar after
work with his coworkers to let off a little steam before coming home.
But midnight? That was really late.
Too late.
In the middle of a terrible Brooklyn winter (though nowhere near as bad as the
one in ‘34), in which Steve had been forced to bundle up in front of the stove
to warm his rattling bones, Bucky was possibly out there, somewhere,
unconscious and freezing to death in a gutter.
And Steve couldn’t do a damn thing about it. He’d tried, of course - pulled on
as many layers as he possessed, climbed down the stairs of their apartment to
the ground floor, fighting full-body shivers, but as soon as he stepped
outside, the wind bowled him over and lay him flat on his ass. He was lucky the
super had been up late and shuffling about in the basement to hear his pitiful
yelp, or he would’ve been stuck out in the cold as well.
The much older man scolded him like a child (he was the same height as one, so
a lot of people seemed to regard him in the same manner) and helped him back to
his apartment. After this frustrating and humiliating episode, Steve had set
himself in front of the only heating source they could afford and resigned
himself to waiting in perpetuity for a best friend that might never come home.
His lids had started to disobey him, drifting closed only to be fluttered back
open a half-second later, as exhaustion took its toll, when he heard someone
fumbling with the lock at the front door.
He’s home! He’s alright! Steve thought, elated. A renewed energy propelled him
into movement. He threw off the woolen quilt and scrambled to his feet just as
the door swung open and bangedinto the wall, stopping him short.
Yes, this was Bucky, and yes, he was home… but something definitely wasn’t
‘alright.’
“ Heeeyyy, Stevie~!” drawled the taller man, swaying a bit as he crossed the
threshold. He wore a lop-sided grin and his hair and clothing were tousled,
sloppy. One suspender hung off his shoulder and his button-up work shirt was
opened and askew to reveal the white undershirt beneath, as if he’d tried to
just tear the damn thing off. It was fourteen below zero, and yet somehow the
guy managed to look like he’d just been wandering around in mid-summer heat.
Where was his jacket? Likely still at the bar.
“You’re drunk,”stated Steve flatly, straightening up as his eyes ticked over
the flushed cheeks and glazed eyes. He could smell the alcohol on his friend’s
breath from five feet away.
Bucky puckered his lip in a mock pout and managed to close the door behind him
without looking back. “Aw, c’mooon , buddy. Don’t gimme that look. It’s been a
long day.”
He started to sway again, lurching dangerously to one side as he started
walking forward, but a quick shuffle of one foot caught his balance. Steve blew
out a harsh sigh and closed the distance between them to sling one limp arm
over his shoulder as Bucky broke his facade and snickered. The strong scent of
beer roiled the blonde’s already anxiety-induced upset stomach. “Let’s just get
you to bed,” he muttered. “Come on.”
But they didn’t make it more than two steps when he felt Bucky’s weight shift
and his humid breath warm on his neck.“ Mmh… yer wearin’ the cologne I got
ya,”he murmured, appreciatively taking an unabashed whiff.
It felt as if flames were licking up Steve’s throat and prickling his cheeks
and ears, likely dusting them with rosy color. He swallowed and turned his head
away as much as he could to hide the effect Bucky had on him, tugging on his
friend’s arm to keep momentum up. “Y-yeah,” he stuttered, before taking in a
steeling breath and trying again in a stronger voice. “You said the dames at
school would go for it, so it was worth a shot.”
They hadn’t, of course. Not a single female ever noticed him unless Bucky was
there to point him out, and even then attention usually reverted back to the
strapping, boisterous fella instead of the meek, scrawny one. He honestly
didn’t blame ‘em: who’d want a shrimp like him?
Bucky acquiesced, at least physically, allowing himself to be pulled into the
bedroom they shared and over to his own bed. Of course, just as Steve thought
the nightmarish evening was drawing to a close, the other man parted his lips
and grazed his teeth over his nape with two whispered words knocking the wind
out of him. “I lied…”
“Wha--?!” choked out Steve, but all that weight on him with the addition of an
alien feeling zipping down his spine and sparking a fire at its base had his
knees buckling. Gravity took its hold and the floor seemed to fly up until
those useless knees hit it and Buckly slipped off his shoulder to roll,
laughing, onto his back. The blonde cinched his eyes closed and inhaled sharply
through his teeth, hissing, as pain momentarily jolted aside other thoughts.
“Hah!” barked Bucky, leaning onto his side and pushing himself upright, his
weight balanced on one thigh on the floor. He was grinning like a maniac even
as he lay a heavy hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I lied,”he repeated, and
Steve forced his eyes open as his backside dropped to the floor and his face
fell slack, lips parting in a silent question.
“I said that only t’make sure you’d wear it. I like how it smells on ya,” Bucky
answered, his grin faltering only slightly at the edges as he made eye contact
with those searching seafoam blues.
Steve was clutching his chest as he felt an attack coming on, burning in his
lungs and squeezing the air out of him. Even though he knew he should focus on
his breathing, he couldn’t help but wheeze brokenly, probing for more
information. “Why -- hnnh! -- w-why do you -- hnn! -- care?”
Bucky’s brows knitted together and his smile ran away from his face in earnest.
He looked like he’d been punched in the gut, the way hurt seemed to saturate
his expression.“You can’t be that thick, pal.”
“T-try me,”retorted Steve, feeling strangely defensive and yet guilty for
causing pain with the bite to his words. He had a vague idea, now, what could
possibly drive his best guy to buy him something nice just to have him wear it
for him and him alone, but a complete lack of self-esteem drove the notion down
under a mountain of doubt.
The brunette hesitated, glancing aside as his tongue pushed between his lips to
wet the bottom one. The wait had Steve’s gut twisting painfully on top of the
lack of air being pulled into his seizing lungs. He tasted bile at the back of
his throat.
“...Because I got… I got eyes for you, Stevie,” Bucky muttered,  tucking his
chin as he looked up from beneath the shadow of his brow. He was smiling, but
there was an unfamiliar vulnerability in his big, doe eyes that caught Steve
off guard almost as much as having his mouth on his neck.
Steve’s breath hitched and completely cut off as his friend leaned forward and
smoothed the palm that had been on his shoulder over his heaving chest.
“Breathe with me, buddy,” whispered the larger man, taking one of the other’s
hands and flattening it to his own chest. “In and out.”
They had done this ritual a million times before since they were kids, when
Steve found himself unable to self-soothe, but now, as he felt Bucky’s heart
thudding beneath his far more defined pectoral muscles as they rose and fell
rhythmically, something had changed.
And yet, though he’d heard the words and believed them not to be some cruel
joke, he still didn’t quite get it. “Why…?” he asked, unblinkingly keeping his
friend’s gaze. He started to feel his lungs open up a little, but his throat
had become inexplicably thick. How could a red-blooded, skirt-chasing, broad-
shouldered man like Bucky Barnes ever fall for him, let alone another man?
For some reason, this question tugged a wistful smirk onto Bucky’s moistened
lips, and Steve couldn’t help but look down at them for a split second. “You
got a lot more goin’ on then you think, Steve,” chuckled Bucky, but the sound
was… hollow. He released Steve’s hand and leaned away to start slowly trying to
stand. “I hope you’re not thinkin’ of running for the hills now. We can just
forget I said anything.”
Steve’s forehead crumpled as his brows flew up, and before conscious thought
went into it, his arm shot out of its own accord and he snagged Bucky’s
undershirt. “N-no!” he shouted hoarsely.
As Bucky froze and looked up from where he’d been attempting to put his
sprawled limbs in order, the rashness and pitiful desperation of Steve’s
actions sunk into both of them.
“I…” croaked Steve, swallowing and relinquishing his hold on the fabric. “I
only asked ‘cause I couldn’t… I didn’t… understand how you… how we could both
be…”
 Homosexuals...
Chapter End Notes
     [Author's Note:I promised I wouldn't post this until it was
     completed, but I got part one done and the urge to post could not be
     denied. So, here ya go: first chapter of 'Good Enough: Part One.'
      
     Loads more to come~!
      
     P.S. This fanfiction gets very dark and very angsty. I'd say it's
     about 50% smut and 50% angst, but that might be a little off. Send me
     comments to tell me what you think!]
***** Thinkin' Straight *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
A slow, close-lipped smile creeped onto Bucky’s mouth, curling the edges like a
cat that had cornered its prey. “You’re soft on me too, huh, Stevie,” he
smoothed, hooding his unfocused eyes. The sound was rumbled, like a purr, in
the blonde’s ears.
“Yeah…” admitted Steve, averting his gaze as that terrible pin-pricking heat
washed over his face and ears again. He didn’t realize Bucky had moved in
closer to him until he felt calloused fingers cupping his cheek and tugging his
face forward. By the time he flashed his eyes up to see just what the heck was
happening, those lips he’d always fantasized about were pressing softly to his
own, and the cloying scent of alcohol on his friend’s hot breath swirled in his
nostrils.
“Mmph!” cried out Steve, any words he’d meant to say muffled uselessly. He
wanted this… more than anything in the world, but it wasn’t right. The timing
was terrible. Pulling on his seemingly depthless well of self-control, he
braced a hand back on Bucky’s chest and yanked his head away, breaking this
kiss with a suckling gasp.
“ Ah--! Buck, it’s -- you’re drunk !”
Bucky dabbed his tongue over his bottom lip as if trying to catch some of the
lingering taste of Steve on it. “So what? ” he whispered, his voice alarmingly
husky compared to the smooth drawl from only seconds prior. He tucked that
plush lip beneath his crooked, fang-like canine tooth and tilted his head while
his hungry gaze raked over Steve, laying him bare with his imagination.
“ So, you’re not thinkin’ straight,”insisted the smaller man, even as he
watched Bucky’s eyes lowering to where his trousers had started to tent. Shame
flooded him and he closed his thighs, but his friend wasn’t having any of that.
“I never  think straight when I’m around you,” Bucky chuckled, his other hand
sliding up Steve’s leg to brush his fingers over the beginnings of unwanted
arousal. “Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop anytime...”
“F-funny,” Steve stuttered, before a ball of anger formed beneath his breast at
how his body was betraying him, belying his inner wants and needs while he was
trying to do what he thought was the right thing. “I don’t wa-- ahh~ !”
Right when he was about to lie (badly) through his teeth, Bucky’s hand formed
about the outline of his prick and kneaded it with the heel of his palm, and a
pathetic little whine came out instead.
“Oh, boy,” murmured Bucky, ducking his head forward to tuck into the crook of
Steve’s neck. He nipped at the tensed tendon there teasingly, sending a spark
down Steve’s spine. “You’re packin’ a whole lot more than I thought you were,
baby…”
Steve’s mind reeled as his lashes fluttered wildly. He tried to back up, but
his shoulderblades banged up against the metal frame of the bed behind him. The
wince of brief pain was nothing, but being called by that pet name while having
his manhood stroked was a bit much for him. He couldn’t think, much less speak,
but Bucky helpfully filled the silence.
“Ya know, I always wondered what you looked like hard, Stevie,” he said, laying
a tender kiss where his teeth had been . “Wondered if any girl I set you up
with got to see it. Drove myself nuts.”
With his eyes rolling back, Steve realized his jaw had dropped open and quickly
closed it as he shoved Bucky away. Though, with the position they were now in,
his friend leaning into him and nibbling at his throat, another scent - Bucky’s
natural musk - invaded his senses and made the attempt weak and halfhearted at
best. “N-no girl’s ever s-seen me… like this. Bucky, get off. C’mon, man.”
The admission of his complete and total virginity, even to his best friend, had
been followed by another flood of humiliation, but instead of making fun of
him, Bucky actually moaned and squeezed his prize all the harder, sending a
shudder through Steve that stoked the flames at the pit of his stomach. Another
alien sensation, and unfamiliar tightness to his family jewels, hitched his
breathing all over again.
“God, Stevie,” groaned Bucky, removing his hand from the other’s face to rub at
his own trapped erection impatiently. “That means I get to be the first person
to make you cum, don’t it?”
No one had ever spoken to Steve like that, especially not with such raw,
shameless enthusiasm. The animalistic rumble to Bucky’s voice, combined with
the way his hand was grinding on the blonde’s previously untouched dick, added
to the tension that had grown suddenly unbearable in his balls.
Before he could process any of these novel feelings, something like a tightly
wound spring inside him was suddenly released, jolting his entire frame and
forcing out a grunting, pitiful whimper as his shaft spasmed and spurted warm,
sticky fluid from his tip.
“Ohhh, ffffuck yeah, baby,” hissed Bucky in his ear, continuing to rub him in
time with each successive throb. “Cum for me, Steve. Cum all up in those pants
for me…”
Oh, Christ , it felt so good… like every wet dream he’d ever had, but a
thousand times better, because this was real, and he hadn’t woken up alone, in
bed, covered in his own mess and terrified someone would see him like that. And
yet...
Despite being in a post-orgasmic daze, he still had the wherewithal to grimace
with utter self-loathing at how quickly and easily that had happened. Bucky’d
just barely touched him and he all but exploded.
“Oh God , gross, I’m s-sorry,” he stuttered, clenching his jaw and dropping his
hand from Bucky’s chest in an effort to push the other man’s palm away. He
needed to hide the damp spot on his trousers, needed to get Bucky away from his
spent member, so he could just… go clean up and hopefully get swallowed by the
ground. Uuugh.
“Are you kidding?! ” laughed Bucky, bringing his head up and leaning back so
Steve could see the exhilarated grin spread wide on his cheeks. He looked like
Christmas had come early and he’d gotten exactly what he’d wished for. “That
was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen! An’ it’s your first time, so I didn’t…
hey. Hey, are you shivering?”
Indeed, it seemed now that his body wasn’t suffused with an unnatural warmth,
the cocktail of hormones flooding his system and the chill of being on the icy
floor was taking control of him, making him shake like a leaf in a storm. His
teeth were chattering, but he tried to answer anyway.
“Yuh -yeah… s’cold,” he managed, though the trembling was much stronger than
he’d ever experienced just by cold alone. Then again, whenever he had woken up
from one of those blissful dreams, smeared in fluid and sweat, he had always
been shaking uncontrollably. Maybe it wasn’t just being cold that did this… But
the moisture clinging to his inner thigh certainly wasn’t helping things.
“Oh,” Bucky breathed, realization dawning across his features and pulling his
lips into a small circle. “Oh, buddy, I’m sorry, I wasn’t even thinkin’...
here.”
The larger man leaned forward again and slipped his arms around Steve’s bony
frame, surrounding him in a strong, warm hug and pulling him to his chest.
Steve allowed this, not putting up any fight, though his mind was screaming for
him to go to the bathroom and scrub the mortification from his body. Instead,
he tucked his narrow chin onto the bunched muscle of his friend’s shoulder.
A serenity he hadn’t known was possible for him soothed his jarred nerves and
helped dissuade him somewhat from all this disgust in himself. He reached up
with the hand not covering his crotch and clutched Bucky tightly, and he never
wanted this to end… yet still, his body quaked.
“You’re gonna catch your death,” murmured Bucky. One arm released Steve to
brace himself on the bed behind the blonde and, despite his drunkenness, pulled
both of them up and eased the smaller man onto the mattress. Steve said nothing
as Bucky squeezed him once and started to extricate himself from his friend’s
grasp. Quietly, dutifully, he went back to the kitchen to fetch the forgotten
quilt, using furniture and walls to keep himself upright.
While he did this, Steve kicked his shoes and trousers off and and draped
Bucky’s blanket around himself before laying on his side in a loose fetal
position, burrowing his face into his friend’s pillow. It smelled so damn good
to him… like home.
A soft sound, a breathy chuckle that sounded almost self-satisfied when pushed
from Bucky’s nose, alerted him to the fact that his friend was watching him. He
opened his eyes and smiled sheepishly, but neither of them said anything yet.
Steve watched the other carefully as he flapped the quilt once and lay it over
him; immediately, the warmth that had seeped into the fiber from the stove
started to still his shivers, so he worked his jaw as it finally unclenched.
“Thanks, Buck,” he said softly, pulling his legs in further to make room as
Bucky sat at the edge of the bed and started taking his shoes off.
“S’awright,” replied Bucky, almost equally as soft, toeing aside both of their
shoes and slipping the remaining suspender over his arm. Steve kept his eyes on
him even as he unzipped his pants and lifted one side of his tush, then the
other, to tug them off. They’d both seen eachother naked countless times
before, in their youth, but the intimacy in seeing Bucky undress down to his
drawers and undershirt while he continually watched struck him as surreal. Was
he… dreaming?
This had to be a fever dream. Nothing this good ever happened to him.
Bucky looked over after draping his clothes on the footboard and caught Steve
staring. His lips tilted into one of those trademark, devilishly handsome
‘Barnes Smirks’ and the blonde finally tore his eyes off of him, flushing anew.
What was he, some kind of shy schoolgirl with a crush?
He was so tired, body and mind, but his heart kicked up into a frantic pace all
over again as Bucky climbed over him and got beneath the covers to mold his
inexplicably fiery body against Steve’s back. Again, another ritual they’d done
so many times, but this time, Bucky didn’t pull his hips back to keep his
crotch from touching Steve’s backside. Steve had wondered why he did that, but
he was about to be answered, summarily.
Chapter End Notes
     [Author's Note: I am shamefully proud of drunk Bucky for his
     'thinking straight' quip. Someone send help.]
***** Lickety-Split *****
This time, Bucky cuddled his entire frame up against him, nestling the base of
what Steve assumed to be a half-hard prick up against his ass. Did that always
happen to Bucky when they lay together?!
Jesus,  Bucky, Steve thought. He’d thought that the time between their…
‘activity’ and them laying down would cool his friend down a bit, but
apparently not. He’d stiffened up with a shock of anxious energy, but by the
time Bucky was slithering his hand over his ribs and tucking his bare bicep
beneath his arm, Steve had forced his body to relax a little.
“You okay, Stevie…?” questioned the brunette, slurred speech no less concerned.
He nuzzled the back of Steve’s head like an affectionate puppy, apparently
apathetic to convention now that Steve had admitted he had feelings for him. He
sure moved quick, didn’t he?
No, Steve wanted to say. Things are moving too fast. I can’t wrap my head
around all this, and your hard-on is distracting the HELL outta me.
Then again, at least the much more powerful man wasn’t making any more moves on
him past the snuggling, right? Maybe he’d just knock out soon, and sleep off
the booze so they could soberly address this tomorrow.
“Steve?” pressed Bucky, when his sleeping buddy hadn’t answered him. Steve was
just about to finally say something when he felt hot, moist lips brushing the
shell of his ear, and a single shudder wracked his body. As if he were some
wanton harlot, he rolled his spine and wiggled his backside back into the other
man, grinding the semi-rigid shaft between the cleft above his ass.
No, dammit! No no NO NO! What am I doing ?
It was too late; Bucky inhaled sharply, only to release the breath in a long,
halting sigh as fingers splayed and pressed into Steve’s chest. He curled his
body in order to rub himself into that inviting, supple rump. A moaning
exhalation rushed from his lungs and feathered, humid and warm, over the
blonde’s nape.
Since when did the Catholic Church’s teachings Steve had grown up on fly right
out the window? Since when did he think the idea of having acock up his ass was
a good one? He was definitely afraid, and definitely felt a whole lot of the
requisite guilt, but the thought of Bucky inside him… part of him… It thrilled
him to no end. But he’d… never had anything go up there. Not once.
And that thing rubbing between his cheeks, grating the fabric of his drawers
over his hole, definitely wasn’t going to fit.
“You’re makin’ me crazy,” Bucky complained, huffing as Steve reached behind
himself to plunge his fingers into dark, tousled locks. “I wanna fuck you so
bad, buddy…”
“I know, I want it too,” sighed Steve, despite the salty language spilling out
of his friend’s mouth simultaneously driving a spike of terror into his lungs
and a tug of tightness into his loins. “But I’m not ready... Ah- and you’re not
gonna fit.”
A plaintive groan rumbled deeply in Bucky’s chest, and his hand dipped further
south to cup the burgeoning arousal already reappearing in Steve’s drawers. How
the Hell was he already starting to get hard again? “What’f… what if I make
some room?” the brunette suggested over the smaller man’s soft keen.
Make some room? “...H-how?” Steve asked, finishing the question out loud.
In place of a verbal answer, Bucky took his hand off of Steve’s package and
went to his waist to guide the latter onto his back while the former scooched
back a few inches. Steve’s grip on Bucky’s hair slipped away and he shifted to
comply with the gentle guidance, putting his complete trust in the man that
he’d always loved in hopes that they could both be satisfied.
“Just get comfy. Take off your underpants,”urged the brunette in a firm, yet
gentle tone. A weird little flutter in Steve’s stomach told him he sorta liked
being ordered around, queer as that was. He did as he was told, carefully
slipping his hand to press his erection down as he shoved the hem of the too-
snug fabric over it.
“Where’re you going?” he asked, as Bucky had sat up and was climbing over him
to get out of the bed. The larger man paused only to flash his teeth at his
newfound lover.
“We’re gonna need some oil,” he said, standing up and swaying a bit before he
caught himself on the bedpost. “Whoop -- still a little whoozy, heh.”
Steve’s eyes had immediately gone to look at the prominent bulge pressing
eagerly against his friend’s drawers, until that last statement had them roving
up and his brows furrowing fretfully. “We shouldn’t do this,”he stated firmly.
Bucky’s effervescent grin didn’t fade in the slightest.“Do you still want to?”
The blonde pursed his lips. His heart fluttered, but his resolve was
unwavering. “Of course I do, Buck, but you’re--”
“Then we’re doin’ it,” chirped the clearly still besotted man, turning on his
heel and once again utilizing any surface he could to make sure he didn’t fall.
His voice grew louder the further out into the apartment he got to compensate
for distance. Over compensate, really. Steve would be surprised if he didn’t
hear someone banging on the walls for them to shut their yaps. “ I want it, you
want it -- I don’t hear any ‘no’s anywhere, or you know I’d quit while I’m
ahead.”
“Yeah,” sighed Steve, rolling his eyes. “You’re a real swell guy that way.”
Bucky reached the kitchen and rifled through the cabinets noisily.“You say
somethin’?” he called. Steve checked his sass and answered over the din.
“Nope!”
And thus, he lay there, bare-bottomed and staring up at the ceiling, still
cupping his privates, and became utterly consumed by embarrassment and
awkwardness. He was naked. In Bucky’s bed. With an erection, and dried cum on
his thigh.
What in the ever-loving HELL were they doing?
If anyone they knew caught wind of them being anymore than friends, they’d have
to cut ties and move to a different part of the city, at the very least. Where
did the homosexuals congregate? They had to have their own neighborhood, right?
How else would they keep safe from the authorities and the church?
Wait… why did he care what anyone else thought? So what if he had to drop out
of college and move? So what if Bucky had to get a different job? As long as
they were together, anywhere was home.
Even if he had nothing, he still had Bucky. That’s what mattered.
In addition, he really, really wanted this. The added reminder his own stiff
dick in his hands was completely unnecessary. He didn’t even know the first
thing on what to do with the damn thing anyway. What was he supposed to do,
wiggle it around?
Thankfully, for now, that kind of thinking was derailed when Bucky returned
once more, triumphant and brandishing a half-empty bottle of vegetable cooking
oil. Steve raised one brow up at him as he lumbered back to the bed and
scrambled clumsily into it, knocking his shin into Steve’s covered legs in the
process.
Didn’t hurt, but seeing Bucky so excited that he was practically falling over
himself to get into bed with him bubbled a delirious, snorting snicker from
him.
“Shut up, ya ‘lil punk” chuckled Bucky, keeping the oil aloft as he pulled the
blankets aside and slid his legs beneath them. The chill on his skin from
running nearly naked through the house didn’t really bother Steve, but his body
shivered against his will when their thighs touched. Bucky muttered an apology,
but fell silent as Steve gazed up at him, eyes soft with unhidden fondness.
For several seconds, they stared at one another, smiling like utter goofs,
until Steve finally drew in a quick, chest-expanding breath, and cleared his
throat. “So uh… what next?”
Such a simple, innocent question - like they were fixing a flat tire or
something, and he was waiting for Bucky to hand him a wrench, and not to rub
oil on his ass. That’s what was gonna happen, right?
"I’m gonna get this on my fingers an’ see how you like ‘em inside you ,” Bucky
supplied helpfully, voice lowering mid-way as his lips stretched wide.
Oh, thought Steve, swallowing past a bone dry throat. That makes sense.
Didn’t make it any less scary, but it made sense; If he didn’t like fingers
inside him, he sure as heck wouldn’t like a penis.
...Unless Bucky was just phrasing it like that to be sexy, and he meant that he
was going to use those fingers to stretch him out, regardless of whether Steve
liked it or not.
It was probably a bit of both.
He hadn’t realized he was still staring until Bucky tilted his head doggishly,
and the motion reverted his attention from his inner monologue to the present.
“Uh-uhm… Okay. How do I…” he stammered, trailing off to swallow again. “How do
you want me?”
“Just get comfy,” repeated Bucky, the grin flashing back onto his lips. “You’re
fine on your back.”
Steve nodded and tried to mentally prepare himself for the unknown. His friend
raised the covers again and ducked under them as he flapped them over the
smaller man’s head, so they were both beneath it, secluded in a bubble. Humid
air and body heat quickly made Steve feel a little claustrophobic, but looking
up at Bucky’s starry-eyed expression, and then down at his erection still
trapped in woolen undergarments, it all sort of de-escalated triggering another
panic attack.
The brunette met his hesitant gaze and his lids lowered to half mast once
more.“It’s gonna be okay, baby. I’ll treat you right. If you don’t like
anythin’, we’ll stop, lickety-split, okay?”
Steve took in a slow breath and let it out in an airy, monosyllable reply.
“Yyyeah…”
***** Let Me Inside *****
“Yeah,”echoed Bucky, smoothing his free hand up Steve’s thigh and giving it an
encouraging squeeze.
 “You trust me, right?”
The blonde’s brows ticked higher, creasing his forehead. “ ‘Course I do.” Why
would he even ask that?
Bucky nibbled his lip and lowered his eyes to where his friend was still hiding
his privates. “Then... lemme see it, Stevie. Please?”
It was… insanely intoxicating. Bucky Barnes was asking him, begging him to let
him see his dick. His mind reeled again as several urges clashed all at once,
making him hesitate outwardly. What if he saw it and was sickened, or afraid?
What if it ground everything to a halt and all the dreams he thought were
coming true suddenly shattered around him?
“Please?”Bucky repeated, sliding his fingers up to graze questioningly over the
ones Steve had clenched over himself. Despite being gripped by trepidation, the
proximity of those fingers to his manhood made it twitch, as if it, too was
asking to be freed.
Slowly, haltingly, Steve forced his own hands down an inch, to reveal the
swollen base of his shaft nestled in a patch of pale curls. He flicked his eyes
up from his crotch to watch the brunette’s reaction, see if he was going to
recoil in horror or something… But Bucky was biting so hard on his lip that a
bead of blood had welled up, and his eyes had completely glazed over as they
stared, enraptured by the torturous strip-tease.
 He wants more. I can do this...
Steve sucked in a small breath and lifted his hands completely away, allowing
the full length of him to bob freely up into the subtle arch he’d always had.
He hated how his prick curved upward like that when he was hard. Hated that it
looked nothing like the memory he had of Bucky’s, way back when they still
showered together. Bucky’s had been straight as an arrow and… just perfect.
His friend’s eyes widened and an oppressive wave of self-consciousness crushed
him as he moved to cover himself back up, but Bucky stopped him, catching his
wrist and gently pushing it aside. “No, don’t,” he whispered.
“It’s weird,”Steve protested, jerking his head to the side. He didn’t try to
conceal himself again, however, limply pulling his arm free of Bucky’s grip to
clench his fist at his side. Maybe some sick part of him wanted to just give in
and let Bucky stare at his shame… Or maybe he just… didn’t want to fight
anymore.
“No, babydoll,” cooed Bucky, carefully slipping his fingers around the shaft,
drawing a bitten-back gasp from the smaller man. The rough pads of his fingers
grazed tantalizingly over Steve’s smooth, sensitive flesh, eliciting a bit of a
shiver to rise up his spine and into his skull, culminating in a shake of the
head, as if he was still arguing wordlessly.  
Bucky, however, spoke in hushed tones of near-reverence. “I love it... It’s the
prettiest cock I ever saw…”
In spite of himself, Steve’s lips tilted up one one side, and he glanced back
through the periphery of his vision, though he still refused to move his neck.
“You seen a lotta them, buddy?”
Well, they both had, just not anytime recently... that he was aware of.
Wait… had Bucky been with other men before? He sure did seem to know what he
was doing, but that might have been a product of his natural confidence, and
the dose of liquid courage. Hopefully. Jesus, please let that be the case.
“Heh,” chuckled Bucky, dabbing the pin-prick of blood from his lip with a swipe
of his tongue. Watching him do that made the ball of fire in Steve’s chest
expand. Lord, he wanted those lips so bad… Kissing him, sucking him… What did
it feel like going inside ‘em? He bet it was soft, and warm…
 “I only catch a few peeks when other guys line up to piss next to me. Nothin’s
ever caught my eye, though. Not like yours.”
At this, Steve finally faced his friend, but the brunette had averted his eyes
to the side. The almost… forlorn distance in his voice had caught his attention
and worried him. What he saw in his friend’s expression alarmed him, to some
degree: he saw shame, and sadness. Bucky had been loathing himself for liking
men just as much as Steve had, hadn’t he? Maybe more.
Is that why he’d turned to the drink? To drown out the queer thoughts, to help
him forget how he really felt about his best buddy? Well, now Steve felt
guilty. They’d both been suffering; he’d just been too wrapped up in his own
problems to see it.
He wanted to say something witty about ‘kissing his ass to get into his pants’
to lighten the mood but… that was precisely when Bucky glanced up and chose to
tighten his grip about his member and tug lightly.
“Ah, ff-!?” blurted Steve, chewing on his lip to stop from hollaring. The fists
at his sides opened, only to instantly clutch at the sheets. He was so damned
sensitive - was it supposed to hurt a little?
Bucky retracted his hand as if he’d been bitten and blinked, obviously
surprised by the powerful reaction. “Did I hurt you? What happened?”he asked,
near frantic with concern.
Steve cracked one eye open a bit and forced an uncertain chortle out, nose
wrinkling. “I-I don’t know… It’s… I’m really um… s-sensitive…”
Bucky visibly relaxed, dropping the shoulders that had tensed up. He
tentatively stroked the ridge of the smaller man’s waist, avoiding the member
that had brought so much unexpected discomfort by a mere inch. It was clear he
wanted to continue, wanted to keep touching Steve’s dick, but he also seemed…
wary. Almost as if he was worried he was going to scare the blonde off by going
straight for the kill.
“Oh,” he breathed, understanding. One brow quirked higher on his forehead as he
tucked his chin to his chest.  “Do… Have you not serviced yourself in a while,
or…?”
Steve winced at the phrasing, along with the topic in general, but the pleasant
way Bucky’s touch made his skin tingle helped him offer his quiet admission
with as little of a stutter as possible. “I don’t… do that. Ever.”
After an extremely awkward pause in which Steve wanted to pull a pillow over
his own face and vanish into the bedding, Bucky blinked several times and shook
his head. “...What?”
The more experienced of the pair was, to put it lightly, floored, and it was
evident in his windblown, wide-eyed expression. Not only was the guy a virgin,
but he doesn’t give himself a tug now and then? How had he not gone completely
insane?“Mind if I ask… why?”
“N-not… not right now. I don’t wanna spoil the mood.” muttered Steve, knitting
his brow and staring down at himself. Anything to keep him from meeting Bucky’s
questioning gaze.
Even saying that much concerned his friend, however, evident by the way he’d
completely dropped his hand away from Steve’s prominent hard-on and laid it
gently on the thigh stained by his earlier ‘emission.’
“Oh...kay,” said Bucky softly, hesitating. It sounded like he wanted to know
more, but didn’t want to upset Steve in probing for it. It was… just one of the
very few things Steve never spoke to his friend about. And now, when they were
so close to really making a dent in his virginity, he definitely didn’t want to
talk about it. Those memories needed to stay well and truly buried for now.
“So you wanna keep goin’? It’s okay, if you’re…”Bucky trailed off, ducking his
head to try to meet his friend’s eyes, futile as it was.
Steve nodded sharply once, determination filling him as he forced his lids open
just enough to look Bucky square in the eye. “I wanna keep going.”
The larger man offered a soft smile, and lowered his voice again, back into
that deep purr that livened something unplacable within Steve.“Then I’ll just
use some oil... and take it niiice  n’ easy.”
Bucky shifted and reached for the bottle he’d stashed between the mattress and
the wall. He unscrewed the cap and poured a small dollop into his cupped palm
before stuffing it back into it’s hidey hole and closing it up. Watching him do
this, waiting for him to prepare, filled Steve with a new wave of apprehension,
but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want this to stop again, after all.
At length, the larger man smeared the lubricant between his hands, making sure
to individually coat his fingers, before he reverted his attention back to
Steve’s manhood. The blonde tried not to tense up too much as, once more, rough
fingers slipped about his girth.
This time, however, the novel, smooth feeling of the oil and the strange way it
almost made Bucky’s hand feel warmer had Steve’s brows lifting together and
lips parting with a quiet gasp.
It was… wonderful . Slick and dexterous, Bucky’s fingers encircled him and
stroked up, and down, leaving his own skin oiled up. He heard himself sigh
Bucky’s name softly, and the brunette looked up at his expression and flashed
an almost wicked grin. He pulled his hand away, but before Steve could ask what
had happened, the brunette formed a fist and hovered it over the dusky head of
his member… before slowly, gently pressing his cockhead through it.
The blonde groaned restlessly, arching his spine backward and slowly thrusting
up into the snug, temporary cavern.
Warm… so warm… And wet, and tight!
Is this what it felt like, fucking a tight little hole? Is this what it’d be
like to be in Bucky’s mouth, or his…
“Oh, God, Buck,” he sighed suddenly, unclenching his fist and stretching his
arm out to touch his friend’s temple. His fingers were trembling subtly, but he
tried to ignore that fact. “I don’t wanna go again just yet… you’re gonna…
You’re gonna make me…”
Bucky lifted his eyes away from his new toy and Steve was momentarily taken
aback by the haze of hunger that had consumed them. The way the larger man’s
mouth hung open just a hair, the way his pupils had dilated and gone completely
unfocused… How was Steve so aroused by just that look on Bucky’s face alone?
“Mmmh,” hummed the brunette, leaning into the touch like an affectionate cat.
He pressed a smile of utter contentment onto his lips and Steve’s heart
fluttered. “Okay, buddy. I just wanted to get you relaxed.”
Relaxed? For… Oh . Oh, right. For getting fingers in his asshole. He’d somehow
already forgotten that was the whole point of the oil. “I’m ready,”he insisted
softly, trying not to feel like a common harlot as he spread his thighs and let
his hand drop from his friend’s face.
Bucky nodded, the smile falling as he refocused his attention back on Steve’s
nether region and braced his unoiled hand on the blonde’s knee. While the
smaller man watched, Bucky’s forehead creased with concentration as he released
his member and slid his first two fingers down. Over the tightened sack that
twitched on contact, down the strip of skin between it and his hole, until
finally, Steve felt him swirl the pads over the puckered opening...
He clenched up immediately at the completely alien sensation, sucking in a
sharp gasp.
Bucky glanced up from beneath his brows and flashed a half-amused, half-
sheepish grin.“You’re lockin’ up tighter than Fort Knox down here, pal. S’gonna
be real uncomfortable if you keep that up.”
Steve tried to force his muscles to obey him, actively focusing on each one in
turn to release the tension. “S-sss-horry…” he hissed. But no matter how much
he told his ass to unclench, it wasn’t listening. It was as if it had a mind of
its own and resented the thought of being intruded upon.
Chuckling softly, Bucky let go of Steve’s knee and looped his fingers about the
lubed-up stiffy that had gone a bit soft with fright, even as he kept swirling
those of his other hand tauntingly around Steve’s entrance. “Relaaaax,” he
cooed.
Instead of replying with a stubborn ‘I’m trying’ as he’d meant to, Steve’s
brain and lips lost connection, and what came out instead was a stuttered
grunt. “A-ah--!”
But... the aid of having his dick stroked served as the perfect distraction. He
felt his body practically melting into the mattress, and his hole finally
relaxed, opening up enough for Bucky to gently press the pad into him. “That’s
it, baby,” murmured Bucky. “Ya gotta let me inside…”
***** I'm Good Enough *****
This was strange. This was so very, very strange. Steve was watching his best
buddy jerk him off while pressing his finger against his ass. Never in a
million years could he have imagined this scenario, and yet… there it was. He
had no words, only able to silently look on and grip the sheets loosely as if
they’d prevent him from falling out of this impossible dream.
Time had seemed to turn to molasses and slow around them as Bucky met his gaze
again. The bare, raw nakedness of what they were doing should have made Steve
furtively glance away, but he felt trapped. Ensorceled. Their eyes were locked
together unblinkingly.
...Right up until Bucky chose that precious moment to push again, prodding his
finger past the muscular breech. A strangled yelp forced itself out of Steve
and he clapped his hand over his own mouth to keep from screaming further. It
didn’t hurt. It was just… really strange.
What the Hell is this feeling? I feel like I’ve gotta…
“Bmky, ” he said, voice muffled behind his own fingers until he lifted them
away with a gulp of air. “I-I think I gotta go--”
“--Take a shit?” grinned Bucky, mercilessly wiggling the digit in up to the
first joint. Steve wanted to grimace with distaste at his language, but the
feeling of having something moving around in his ass was sort of robbing him of
the ability to control his face or formulate any further responses. His breath
left him as quickly as a sat-upon balloon.
Bucky squeezed Steve’s shaft and pumped him fluidly a few more times as he
spoke, trying to distract the smaller man from his discomfort with a wave of
pleasure.  “You don’t - that’s just how it feels it first. It gets better.”
So nonchalant, Steve could almost hear a shrug in the words. Had he had
something up his…? But he implied he hadn’t been with another man. So that
meant he… Did this to himself? The blonde gulped in some more air and tried to
voice his question aloud.
“S-so you uh… d-do this to yourself?” he asked, releasing the rest of the
breath in a huff as a tingling feeling sung in his every nerve. Was it strange,
having a conversation while his best friend fingered his asshole? Probably, but
they had never been the picture of normalcy. Regardless, his face was awash
with heat … it felt like, as soon as Bucky had penetrated him, that someone had
tossed gasoline on his cheeks and lit a bonfire on them… He felt his lids grow
heavy and lower half-way as his vision grew hazier.
He was right, it’s starting to feel good ...
Once again, Steve was struck by the way Bucky looked at him: questioning,
hesitant. As if he were afraid of judgement. Since when did Bucky Barnes ever
care so much about what Steve Rogers thought about him? ...Had he always been
like this, and just hid it well?
“Sometimes,” muttered Bucky quietly, at length. His dark lashes brushed his
cheeks as he glanced down at what he was doing with his hands. “I like
pretendin’ it’s you, though.”
He… pretends Steve’s fingering his ass when he masturbates? Holy moly,
Buck.This man got gayer and gayer the more he learned about him… and Steve
loved it. Part of him wished he could have caught him in the act, just to see
him fucking himself on his own hand, maybe moaning Steve’s name...
“I-I’ll… do it for ya too, if you wanna…” suggested Steve, furrowing his brows
intently. “Once I learn how it’s do-hone…!”
Right when he’d somehow found the balls to ask if Bucky wanted his fantasies to
come true, Bucky’s eyes flashed back up to him and a wild, breezy smile spread
across his lips. In the middle of the last word, he gently, slowly, thrust his
finger up into his friend up to the second joint… though he (mercifully)
stopped there as Steve arched his back and let out all the air in his lungs in
one big “ Haaah...! ”
“Sounds good, Stevie… but first, I wanna make you cum again.”
Steve was frozen, helpless, as his body locked in place in that bowed position.
He had popped his mouth open and was blinking desperately at the ceiling,
trying to clear the brilliant dots of color from his vision even as the
sensation of fullness made him feel like there was no room for him to inhale.
The violence of the reaction had stilled Bucky’s hands, as he was likely trying
to figure out whether this was a good thing, or a bad thing, but… As Steve
finally dragged in a slow, ragged breath and lowered his spine back into the
mattress, the brunette gave him another testing tug on his cock. Almost as if
his body was trying to speak for him, reward Bucky in place of reassuring
words, his shaft pulsed, and clear, syrupy fluid oozed from him, forming a
viscous pearl of pure desire at his very tip.
Steve heard his friend curse softly, but the sound was… far away, and strangely
muffled, as if they were separated by a wind-filled tunnel. The sounds of his
own heart thudding in his ears and the shallow panting dragging between his
lips were far louder.
“Fuck, Steve, you’re gorgeous…” sighed Bucky, seemingly awestruck. He continued
pumping, gripping a little harder on the upstroke to squeeze more preseed from
the other man, until it spilled over and dribbled down in a gleaming string.
Steve felt the fluid drip onto his stomach, but was far too turned on to feel
awkward for it.
“I bet you taste so good, too…” rumbled Bucky. He wet his lips with a swipe of
his tongue and leaned forward, the motion pushing the final inch of his finger
all the way up inside Steve until the blonde felt his friend’s knuckles brush
against his bare bottom and stretched crack. Bucky’s lips parted and he inhaled
in preparation, but Steve groaned softly and lashed a hand up to Bucky’s face,
stopping the other man short and making him glance up in askance. “I wanna -
hah… ah … I wanna touch you,” he panted.
Bucky’s mouth quirked up on one side. “You are, baby~” he teased. He knew what
Steve meant, but it appeared he wanted him to say it in no uncertain words.
 Fine, Barnes. You want dirty talk? I got your dirty talk right here.
“N-no,” the smaller man growled, swallowing past his parched throat, before he
clarified. “I wanna t-touch your… c-cock…”
The roguish smirk on Bucky’s face spread into a felinesque smile. He leaned
away and scooted slightly further up on the bed, angling his lower half towards
Steve’s head while his upper half remained twisted about to keep working the
blonde’s shaft. The body reconfiguration, while doing wonders to flex Bucky’s
abdominal slate appetizingly,  looked uncomfortable to Steve, so he batted
Bucky’s hand away from his own prick.
“It’s okay,”he muttered. Bucky nodded and flashed his teeth quickly, letting go
of his friend’s member so he could better brace himself up on the mattress. He
still kept his finger inside, regardless - leaving Steve’s cock barren was a
small price to pay, in the smaller man’s point of view, to be able to finally
feel up Bucky Barnes.
“Don’t laugh, it’s not as nice as yours,” chuckled Bucky. Steve couldn’t help
but grin, despite having his best buddy knuckle-deep inside him and an erection
presented to him packaged nicely in woolen drawers. The sight of the meaty
outline of it strained against the fabric made Steve throb again.
I sincerely doubt that, Barnes, he thought, but kept the comment to himself. He
knew pity parties about his terrible self-image weren’t likely to spark any
embers here. Instead, as Bucky watched him and slowly pulled his finger out a
little, eliciting a breathless grunt from Steve, the blonde raised his hand to
tug at the hem of the underwear… But, annoyingly, his fingers started shaking.
Frustrated but no less determined, Steve wiggled his hips a little to distract
himself from his nerves by reminding his body it was being pleasured, not under
attack. The movement, small as it was, sent a rush of tingling heat through him
and his dick bobbed with yet another pulse.
Yeah, fuck me with your fingers, Bucky, thought Steve, nibbling his lip. Bucky
keened low and he slowly thrust his probing digit back inside, to Steve’s
shuddering delight.
Had… had Steve said that out loud ? Oh, Jesus… A hot wash of humiliation
superseded the heady lust for a moment, but since Bucky seemed to like whatever
had come out of him, he forced his way through it and formed his palm about the
bulging fabric.
Oh, God. I’m touching it. I’m touching his cock. I’m touching Bucky’s cock. And
it’s… it’s…
Really, really thick.
“Mmph, baby, you’ve got me hard as a rock,” huffed Bucky. He shifted his weight
to one side and lifted his free hand to push the hem of his drawers down. Steve
took the cue and slipped his fingers up to wrap around the base of the daunting
member to pull it free.
“Ch-Christ…!” he heard himself sputter. The skin was darker than his sickly
pallor, and flushed with blood as it was, the bulbous head and the few
prominent veins sticking up were even duskier. He, too, was leaking quite a bit
of moisture from the slit at the tip. It… didn’t have the same curve Steve’s
did, but it was the same length and definitely far girthier.
Jesus Christ, Bucky, you’ve been hiding a missile in your trousers all this
time? And you wanted to get that in my ass ?
Steve looked up at Bucky’s face, which appeared suddenly… bashful, as strange
as that was. He was looking aside and biting his lip with the crooked canine
again, and the way his tousled, disheveled bangs hung over his eyes… Lord. It
made Steve want to grab him and kiss his mug so badly.
“That bad, huh?” chuffed the other man sheepishly. Embarrassed as he seemed, he
didn’t stop languidly thrusting his finger in and out of Steve’s hole. Each
drag over the joints made it harder and harder for the blonde to think, but he
needed to say something.
“No, Buck,” murmured Steve, trying to mirror what Bucky had done with him and
forming a circle with his fingers. “S’better than I ah… imagin- nnh...nnn... ”
He couldn’t finish the sentence, because the spring from before had started to
coil tightly again, and the world was falling away from him… Unthinking, his
body acted on instinct and his hand started rubbing his hand up and down
Bucky’s prick of its own accord. He was moaning softly, panting, tauntingly
close… When suddenly, the finger inside him was popped out and he heard Bucky
hiss in a sharp breath.
“Ow-ow-ow - Easy there, buddy,” Bucky said, wincing, as one hand grabbed
Steve’s wrist while the other, one finger oily and warm from Steve’s internal
temperature, lay over the smaller man’s overzealous grip.
Simultaneously overwhelmed with physical disappointment and emptiness coupled
with alarm, Steve’s widened blues sought Bucky’s and struggled to catch his
breath. His heart, louder than ever, hammered in his chest as if it wanted to
be free from its prison.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Oh jeez, I’m--” he stammered, opening his vice-like grip
on his poor friend’s dick. He had gotten too excited, handled things too
roughly… Compared to Bucky, his actions were stiff, and awkward, and terrible.
“Hooo… s’okay,” exhaled Bucky, lowering the shoulders that had hunched in clear
discomfort. He flicked a quick smile onto his features, trying to reassure the
other. “I’m okay, Steve. You’re doin’ fine. Here... Loosen up a little and
don’t pull so hard. Like this--”
Letting go of Steve’s wrist and propping himself up again, he guided his
friend’s fingers back around the length and moved them down, then back up,
slowly. Taking time to memorize exactly how much pressure his best guy liked,
Steve carefully repeated the action, and Bucky sighed again as he let go of
 the other’s fingers so he could move his own hand back to slid down under
Steve’s balls.
“ Yeaaah-uh … l-like that,” encouraged Bucky, angling his head back.. Steve
focused on how warm and stiff the fleshy girth in his palm felt, and the way
Bucky’s jaw was starting to draw agape. A breathless keen bubbled free from
Bucky’s lips, the name of the man he’d wanted for so long rolling off his
tongue in an amorous sigh. “Ohh, Steve…”
I can make him feel good, marveled Steve. Him, the inexperienced little virgin,
making Bucky moan his name.
I can do this… I’m good enough. For him... For Bucky...
***** Stop Being So Chivalrous *****
Bucky gently inserted his middle finger back into his friend, making Steve gulp
in a bit of air and hold it. The brunette lifted his hips and thrust himself
slowly into the other man's hand, enjoying every precious second of this
learning experience.
However, following a few more teasing strokes, Bucky’s breaths began to quicken
and shallow out, and the digit plumbing Steve became more insistent, until he
was all but grinding his fist up into the smaller man’s hole. His chest heaved,
and beads of collected sweat trickled down the tensed hills and valleys of his
stomach. The fluid that had been leaking from his tip now slicked the length,
lubing up Steve’s palm, so the blonde quickened his pace, hoping he was reading
these body cues right and that he was going to make Bucky climax.
“Fuck, Steve!” groaned Bucky, suddenly snapping his head back to it’s usual
angle and fixing the blonde with a ravenous spark in his eyes. “I - huff -
gotta cum, I can’t take this!”
From the fierce, frustrated sound of his growling voice, Steve could tell he’d
at least read the signs right, but apparently whatever he was doing might not
enough for Bucky at this point in time. The larger man pulled his finger free
and left Steve feeling utterly empty, once again, as a shudder rolled down his
spine.
Taken aback, but wanting nothing more than to please the man, Steve tried to
keep stroking him, but Bucky bowed his back and pushed his arm away.“Please,
I’m sorry, I gotta do this,”he explained, wrapping his own fingers about his
shaft snugly.
Oh . So Steve wasn’t enough for him. Not to finish at least. That stung a quite
a bit.
As if he’d spotted how crestfallen his actions had made the other, Bucky
reached up to thumb his cheek fondly. “I’m sorry, it felt really good, baby. I
just need to finish it.”
Steve furrowed his brow and slid his suddenly free hand up the other’s
straining thigh. “But I wanna make you go,” he protested weakly. It wasn’t fair
to ask that, maybe, with his lack of experience in bringing anyone to orgasm,
but it’s what he wanted, all the same
Bucky hesitated, worrying at his lip a moment, before he made some sort of
decision and lifted himself up onto his knees. He swung one leg over Steve and
straddled his chest, allowing the quilt that had been covering them, keeping
them both in a warm, humid bubble, to flutter off of his shoulders and drape
across Steve’s stomach.
Between Bucky’s legs, the blonde briefly caught a glimpse of the heavily tented
wool before he glanced up, brows knitted with mild confusion.
“Okay,” Bucky said, gazing down from beneath the shadow of his bangs, past the
obstruction of his fist around his precum-glazed cock. “You wanna lick me while
I jerk it?”
...Wow . Okay, then. For a man struggling with homosexuality, you sure do have
a whole lot of funny ideas, Buck.
But hey, that's what fantasy was for, for normal guys, was it not? Steve was
the weird one here, stifling all his sexual thoughts for his entire damn life.
Obviously.
“Y-yeah,” managed Steve, raising his head off the pillow and sitting up as far
as he could. He gave his friend’s dripping member an appraising glance, pushing
down the apprehension and strange feeling of staring down the barrel of a gun,
and resolved to focus. Okay, so now all Steve had to do was… Stick his tongue
out and… Lick it?
Steve drew in a quick breath and slipped his tongue tentatively from between
his lips, but as soon as his tastebuds made contact with the slick crown and he
experienced, for the first time, what another man’s dick tasted like, he had to
fight the urge to grimace. It wasn’t all that bad to be honest, but it sure as
heck was salty… and a little musky. Even that small lick was enough to evoke a
shudder from Bucky, however, so he was more than ready to conquer the
foreignness of it to make the moment sexier.
 Just go on and do it. Be a man and suck that dick, Rogers.
He lifted wide, questioning stormy hues up to watch Bucky’s expression as he
formed his lips into a tight purse and kissed the tip. The brunette stared down
at him through heavy-lidded eyes and panted, open-mouthed, as he jutted his jaw
forward. “ Unhh… Yeah, S-Stevie, just like tha--AH --ohh~! ”
Once he’d gotten some modicum of approval from the other, Steve took the
initiative to brazenly pop Bucky’s crown past his lips and suck testingly -
like this was a hot summer day, and Bucky’s cock was the most delicious-looking
popsicle he’d ever laid eyes on. Mid-sentence or no, Bucky was getting blown,
gosh darnit.
“O-oh my God, Steve, you’re--!” Bucky gasped. His hand started working his
shaft, and Steve dutifully continued suckling, staring up at him. This was
good, right? He was doing alright? “Ahh, your l-lips are so soft, baby. Yeah,
k-keep doin’ that… God, you’re eyes are so...”
Okay, he was doing alright. If his mouth weren’t busy, Steve would have the
widest, goofiest grin on them. Bucky let out a stuttering moan and craned his
head back, exposing his throat in a beautiful, sinewy arch as his hand sped up.
His thighs tensed under Steve’s grasp, trembling slightly with the withheld
urge to thrust.
He wants me… he wants me so bad… Oh, Bucky, I wanna make you feel good.
Feeling brave while riding high on this wave of frenzied lust, the smaller man
reached around and grabbed a handful of his ass cheek. Simultaneously, he
flattened his tongue along the underside of Bucky’s tip and wiggled it around,
feeling the cleft leading down from his urethra and the subtle ridge of his
circumcision scar. He wanted to commit every dip and vein and throb to memory,
just in case he ever did decide to take up masturbating. Those wet dreams of
his would be a Hell of a lot more detailed and vivid now, at the very least.
“Oh, fuck , Steve, stop, STOP! I’m close! L-lemme go on the sheet!”Bucky
suddenly arched his spine away from Steve, trying to pull himself out of his
mouth.
Heck, no, thought Steve, digging his nails into his friend’s rump. He backed
his head up a half-inch and let Bucky’s dick pop from his lips, but only long
enough for him to huskily voice his demands.
“I wanna taste your cum,” he growled hoarsely, before promptly darting his head
forward and wrapping his mouth back around the other like a greedy whore. He
reformed the vacuum and sucked as hard as he could. The sounds he made -- those
loud, wet slurps -- made his own forgotten member twitch with want.
“FUCK!” shouted Bucky. He threw his head back and a moan grated from his
throat, bobbing the knot in it once, as both his friend, and his body disobeyed
him. He wanted to pull away, but instead, his hips jerked forward as he was
driven to his peak. The first powerful wave engulfed him in unadulterated
bliss, seizing his entire frame and holding it captive just as Steve opened his
mouth to drag in a quick gasp of air.
A warm stream of seed spurted from Bucky’s crown as his entire length flexed,
lancing across Steve’s flushed, fluid-smeared lips and onto his tongue. Bucky
cursed again, but couldn’t stop himself from slowly fucking the air just as
Steve returned his mouth about him, swallowing quickly on instinct.
The blonde’s stomach convulsed at the strange feeling of cum hitting the back
of his throat before sliding down, but still, he gulped and slurped, fighting
his gag reflex the entire time. He could do this. For Bucky.
And… if he were being honest with himself, not only was he starting to enjoy
the taste, but the sensation of having his friend’s cock spasming on his tongue
was something he suspected he’d never tire of.
“ Ahh… Stevie~! ” crooned Bucky, lowering his chin to his chest and gazing down
at the other as he braced his free hand on the wall behind the headboard. He
stopped thrusting his hips and let the successive throbs of his orgasm proceed
without fighting it further. Again and again, his cock tensed, pulsing more
molten fluid past the lips he’d often thought about doing just this to.
It was even better than he could ever have fantasized - better than any dame
that had done this for him, despite one of them having far more experience than
his little punk . It wasn’t the skill or expertise; it was how much Steve
wanted it. Wanted him. Bucky was his.
And now that he’d gotten rid of his sexual frustration, Bucky could focus on
making Steve his. With a final, shuddering grunt, he angled his hips back, and
Steve allowed his spent member to slip from between his lips before he swiftly
licked them clean. “Was that okay, Buck?” he asked, perhaps seeking redundant
praise despite having received it in the form of a belly and faceful of cum.
“Heh, yeah,” chuckled Bucky, squeezing himself one more time to push the last
drops out into his own fist. He reached for the blanket and pulled it back over
them both, immediately dropping Steve back into the cloying heat and working
the chill from his goose-bump-ridden flesh. “Best blowjob ever, buddy.”
Steve’s brow relaxed, flattening out, as he flashed an exuberant grin. “You’re
just sayin’ that,” he said, as the other dismounted him and sat back down
beside him with a fulfilled sigh.
“I mean it,” Bucky smoothed with a dreamy smile, reaching up to cup Steve’s
cheek tenderly even as the blonde wiped away an errant splatter on his chin.
Whoops - that had been a lot messier than he was expecting. But there was
little time to think about cleaning up when he was still incredibly horny and
Bucky was still speaking to him, explaining himself. “I’ve been dreamin’ of
puttin’ my cock in your mouth since we were teenagers, Steve, but it was even
nicer than I thought it’d be. You’re really quick on the uptake, pal.”
“Uh-huh,”nodded Steve, still unconvinced. He was also unable to get the thought
of someone else sucking on that dick other than him off his mind. It just stuck
with him, uncomfortably. Made him feel weirdly… defensive, on top of
inadequate. How many girls had done that for him - had seen the way he tucked
his chin down the moment he climaxed? How could Steve ever compete with that?
Then again, imagining Bucky fantasizing about his mouth for such a long time
sort of helped. Maybe all the times he did that with girls, he was thinking of
Steve. He could try to make himself believe that. It was a nice thought.
He realized he had swallowed several times to try to dislodge some of the cum
from his throat (where was a glass of water when he needed it?!) when Bucky
suddenly draped his arm about his shoulders and leaned into him to go in for a
kiss.
“Ew, man,” laughed Steve, angling his face away and scrunching up his nose so
the kiss landed on his temple instead. “You’re gonna taste yourself.”
“I don’t mind the taste,” chuckled Bucky, nuzzling his cheekbone. “You sure as
Hell don’t seem to, so why would I?”
He had a point, Steve guessed. A weird one, but still a point. “F-fair enough,”
relented the blonde, tucking his chin to his chest and smiling softly. Beside
him, Bucky all but hummed contentedly, like a great jungle cat pleased with a
feast it had caught, as he slipped his now-sticky fingers about Steve’s
erection.
“Speakin’ of which…” trailed off Bucky as Steve grunted and closed his eyes.
“Maybe I should give it a try, now. Didn’t expect you were gonna be the first
one to do somethin’ like that, but you’re always full of fun surprises,
aren’tchya?”
 “Y-you don’t gotta do that, Buck. You’re probably tired…”
Despite him trying to be a good guy and letting Bucky get some rest, his body
rebelled once more and he subtly bucked his hips up into the touch.“Mmf,” he
huffed, frustrated, as his fingers tangled in the sheets all over again.
Part of him wanted to get blown more than anything, part of him was denying
himself for his friend’s benefit, while the rest of him was terrified of the
possibility that something would go wrong downstairs again. What if he poked
Bucky in the eye? What if he came in his eye? What if… Bucky didn’t like the
taste after all? Were these logical fears or just products of his anxiety?
Again, the larger man tittered softly, before sliding his hand down to gently
cup Steve’s family jewels and give them a soft tug. He spoke over Steve’s
subsequent gasp as energy zinged up his spine. That felt good too!? A guy’s
private parts were a veritable treasure trove of pleasure waiting for him to
explore, to plunder.
“Stop bein’ so chivalrous for once in your life, babydoll - I know you want it.
Or do you want me to fingerfuck ya until you cum, instead?”
Presented with those options, Steve was unable to reply, and instead turned his
head to nestle his face into Bucky’s neck as embarrassment consumed him.
Christ, Barnes… You’re killin’ me, here.
“Mmmh,” thrummed the brunette, clutching Steve’s upper arm to tug him closer.
Those wandering digits trailed yet further south and the middle was testingly
grazed against Steve’s entrance. “Maybe… both?”
Getting fingered while having his cock sucked? By Bucky ? If he wasn’t going to
Hell for doing all this, he definitely was for wanting all that so damn badly.
Steve raised his hips a smidge to try to press the finger inside him, making
his hard-on bob subtly. More preseed leaked out of him and he felt it drip down
onto his abdomen in a thin, syrupy strand. He couldn’t help the desperate whine
that trickled from his flared nostrils, but tried to muffle the sound by
pressing his lips to Bucky’s throat.
 Please. Oh, God, please. Give it to me...
***** Don't Stop *****
Bucky chuffed and gave Steve’s shoulder a final squeeze before sitting up. The
smaller of the pair planted a quick, shy kiss on his cheek in passing, but
otherwise let the man do his thing, draping his own arm over his chest.
“I got you, buddy. Let ol’ Bucky Boy take care of it,”proclaimed Bucky. He
removed his hand from Steve’s nether region to shift the blanket over his head
and positioned himself between his friend’s thighs. Steve lifted his knees a
little to allow Bucky to tuck his own thighs beneath them.
 “This is gonna be my first time sucking dick, though, so gimme a little uh…
warning. Heh.”
The previously much more experienced of the pair looked up at Steve and raked
his fingers through his bangs to shove them out of his eyes as a bashful grin
plastered on his lips. The expression was infectious, drawing out a mirrored
smile on the blonde’s face.
“Course, Buck. It… might not be that long,”he murmured. He’d cum in his pants
just from getting a few rubs and hearing dirty talk, after all. This much
stimulation would undoubtedly have a similarly explosive result.
Bucky’s grin closed into a tight-lipped smirk - the kind he wore when he had a
comeback he was especially proud of.“Says the guy with the horse cock .”
Steve bit back a nervous laugh, forcing it out as a derisive snort instead, as
his lashes dipped low. “Yours is the same length, you jerk...”
The other man raised both brows in tandem and slid his palms from Steve’s knees
down the length of his inner thighs, slowly urging them apart further. His face
took on an air of nonchalance, mouth ticking down at the edges. “Maybe, but
you’re half my size, pal. Proportionally, you’re hung like a stallion.”
Yikes. The blonde’s lips tightened into a small purse. “O-oh,” was all he could
offer in the way of reply. He’d never thought of it like that, somehow. Then
again, what did proportions matter when in relation to how much he could please
someone else?
 Wait, why were we even having this conversation? He’s about to…
“Yup,” Bucky said, in the single word conveying a verbal shrug. He bowed his
back and continued sliding one hand down until it reached Steve’s sack,
twisting his palm up to face the ceiling. Apparently side-tracked from the
conversation the moment his middle finger brushed back up against the
lubricated hole, his eyes flashed down to his friend’s member and he moistened
his lips in preparation.
Oh, Lord . Bucky would never be able to lick his lips again without Steve
automatically remembering the singular moment before he was about to put his
dick between ‘em for the first time. But, as much as he wanted to keep
watching, as soon as Bucky’s finger breached his entrance and sent a wave of
renewed lust rolling through him, his lids fluttered as his vision flickered in
and out. A groan filtered from his mouth, nearly drowning out the soft
encouragements Bucky gave.
“Yeeeah , Stevie, that’s it. I’m gonna make you feel so good ,” he whispered,
his breath fanning about Steve’s moistened glans teasingly. Without much
further ado, Bucky gripped him firmly at his base to steady him and lowered his
head, pressing his puckered lips to the other’s crown. That first contact was
indescribable for Steve. It was such a mish-mash of sensations - some
uncomfortable, some pleasant, but all of them too intense to process.
Bucky’d started to go further with it when Steve’s spine undulated against his
will, unceremoniously shoving far more of his shaft then Bucky had intended
into his mouth. This elicited a muffled shout from the brunette before he
gagged violently around Steve’s cock.
“Hu-ACK-kk…!” came the wordless sound of the poor guy’s throat revolting
against him. A small deluge of saliva trickled from his lips, but he hastily
swiped his chin clear with his forearm.
“D-dammit, - hah - I’m sorry,” breathed Steve, straightening his back and
lowering his hips. He reached down and touched Bucky’s cheek, trying
desperately to tread water in a roiling sea of desire and guilt. Bucky, on the
other hand, was apparently fine. He recovered swiftly and opened the eyes that
had tightly closed, in the moment, to stare up at Steve in silence even as he
curled his tongue around the underside of his friend’s tip.
As hot as it was, staring down into those big eyes with luscious, cherry-
colored lips around his cock as the warmth of Bucky’s mouth suffused his entire
form, Steve would endeavor to have better control over himself from there on
in. He grit his jaw enough to pop his temple audibly and chewed on his bottom
lip.
The sound was overheard by Bucky, however, who pulled his head up and released
the suction with a lascivious slurp. “Mmn-- relax, baby…” whispered the
brunette, his voice thick and husky. “It’s okay. No harm done. I did that too,
my first time.”
Steve’s furrowed brows raised, creasing his forehead. Doesn’t make it okay,
Buck , he thought, but the words just wouldn’t come out - not when Bucky was
probing his ass in long, deep thrusts. He could barely breathe by now, much
less speak.
A strangely sad sort of smile quirked onto Bucky’s lips, before it vanished
once more behind a facade Steve understood he meant to be soothing. The larger
man knew well how easily Steve’s anxiety and overwhelming sense of guilt
sometimes got the better of him, and it was best to leave it alone lest they
wanted a heated discussion to arise. Steve would likely have hemmed and hawed
about accidentally fucking his friend’s throat for an age...
Which, at the moment, neither of them wanted.
Moving onward from the little hiccup in their passion, Bucky flattened his
tongue and slicked it up the underside of Steve’s urethral ridge, clearly
experimenting with things he knew felt good on himself . Smart guy, this
Barnes. The blonde all but wheezed out a large, shaky puff of air as he
quivered once, equally with bliss as with anticipation. “Nnnh,”he grunted,
softly, trying and failing to put words to his approval.
Emboldened by this response, one edge of Bucky’s mouth twitched up just before
he thinned the moist muscle and dipped the tip into the slitted opening of
Steve’s crown.
The surprise of how good it felt having the hole he usually pissed from teased
like that showed in the sudden shift of his own fingers. He moved them from
lovingly cupping Bucky’s cheek, to grasping a desperate handful of his bangs.
His lips pressed into a small ring as his shaft flexed, as if he were cumming,
but instead, yet more clear, nectary fluid beaded at the cleft. It was quickly
and dutifully lapped away by his friend even as the digit inside him was curled
suddenly.
“AH!”gasped Steve, throwing his head back to blink wildly at the ceiling as his
fingers dug into Bucky’s scalp. A body-jolting shockwave had stampeded through
him, rendering his mind temporarily blank and vision whited out.
What the HELL was THAT ?!
It had been... uncomfortable - too much sensation at once, just like when those
lips had first graced the tip of his prick… but this was a whole ‘nother ball
game entirely. Like having raw nerve-endings idly brushed… And whatever Bucky
had done inside him had made his whole package seizetightly.
Bucky grunted and pressed his head up into the abuse of those nails,
momentarily allowing Steve’s member to fall from between his lips with a wet
‘pop.’
“Nnguh -- s ...sorry, buddy. I shoulda warned you about the prostate thing,” he
said, whisking his tongue over his bottom lip to sever a translucent string of
saliva tying it to the blonde’s dick. He glanced up to gauge the Steve’s
expression, ticking his brows together almost fretfully.
‘Prostate thing’? Is that what it felt like to have his prostate rubbed?! He
needed to feel it again to be sure… or maybe that need was entirely non-
educational in purpose. Either way, when he felt Bucky pull his finger out a
little as if to avoid contact again, Steve dragged in a quick gasp and bit his
nails into the flesh he’d claimed before sputtering his pleas.
“Don’t sto- hop -- f’the love of God, Buck, don’t stop …!”
Bucky’s forehead smoothed and a Cheshire-like grin split his face. “I wasn’t
gonna~!” he sang, before promptly ramming his finger back inside and hooking it
just so.
“GAH-AH!”Steve choked out, jaw dropping and eyes rolling up.
And just like that, he reached his peak. But this… this was unlike any orgasm
he’d ever had, awake orasleep. The additional stimulation to that virgin bundle
of nerves beckoned a powerful surge that felt as if it arcing from the base of
his arching spine, up to his brain, and back again. The world ceased to exist
for a half-second, blotting out everything from his thoughts besides the feel
of his sack tensing and cock convulsing.
As he started to return to reality, he realized Bucky had formed his mouth
about his spasming shaft and was sucking, bobbing his head, dragging every last
drop of what he had from him. Lurid thoughts propelled themselves form the
deepest recesses of the polite, God-fearing man that he’d later remember and be
shamed by.
 Oh, God. Oh, God, yeah! Suck me dry, Buck…! Christ, it’s so good…  So good,
cummin’ in your mouth…
Of course, instead of any of that coming to light, all Steve could manage was a
barely discernable cry of unbridled bliss.
 “Buh-uckyyy… Mn! Nnh~!”
He was… whimpering the other man’s name… And rather loudly, at that. Writhing,
scrabbling at his friend’s skull and fruitlessly gasping for air, but the
torrent didn’t seem to end. Throb after throb, he just kept cumming, until he
realized Bucky’s mouth was filling up and the back-wash of warm, white fluid
was forced to dribble lewdly from his lips. It dripped onto his flexed abdomen
and oozed down the center line, pooling at his navel, but eventually, the
deluge petered out, until he was pulsing blanks.
Still, however, he whispered Bucky’s name, over and over, like a prayer.
“Bucky… Ohh, Buck…”
And the whole time, Bucky continued sucking as best as he could, staring up at
Steve unblinkingly as he slowly thrust that merciless digit in and out of the
clenching hole. At length, however, once he felt Steve’s climax start calming
down, he gently eased his finger out, gave one final strong upward pull of his
lips, and raised his head. The hand Steve had had tangled in his hair flopped
to rest on his own quivering thigh.
Bucky smiled, close-mouthed and bright-eyed, looking rather pleased with
himself, although the expression was made extremely salacious and possibly a
bit silly by the drool and cum glazing his lips and chin. Steve languidly
blinked at him through unfocused eyes, at a loss for words while he rushed to
catch his breath and steady the heartbeat hammering in his chest.
Something in Steve’s utterly spent expression amused Bucky to no end, eliciting
a strange, garbled snort before he broke their gaze and sat up.
“How gid you shwallow all ob mine?!” Bucky asked incredulously, reaching from
under the quilt for the handkerchief stashed in his trousers before spitting
the mouthful of seed into it. “Thptew! Ugh… You’re a champion, man. That was
too much for me.”
“Ahh… I-I dunno…” sighed Steve, lolling his head to the side to keep Bucky in
his sights. His body all but melted into the mattress and limbs felt useless,
jelly-like. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“Blegh… nnyeh -- says you ,” Bucky muttered ruefully after scraping his tongue
with his kerchief. “Maybe I didn’t go as much. Can’t blame ya, though. First
time gettin’ the old p-zone tickled is a doozy. Pumps everything outta ya. I’m-
a get us some water.”
Mention of a drink had Steve subconsciously swallowing, but all his panting
combined with what remained of Bucky’s fluids had left him completely parched.
“Thanks, pal,” he croaked softly.
***** The Witch of the Orphanage *****
Chapter Notes
     [Author's Note: Trigger warnings for child-abuse and homophobic
     assault in this chapter.]
He grabbed his trousers and tried to sop up some of the mess on his stomach as
Bucky nodded and tugged his drawers on. It just sorta felt like he was
spreading schmutz around, so he tried wiping off his dick and ass instead,
which had more success, but made him wince with how sensitive he was.
As post-orgasmic shivers wracked his bony frame once more, he considered,
again, what it had been like for Bucky to finger himself while thinking of his
friend. Had it been lonely, bringing himself to his peak and thinking that the
object of his desire would never feel the same about him?
It had  to have been… isolating. Steve’d put two and two together earlier,
realizing that he was part of the reason Bucky had lost himself to the booze,
but now the subject reemerged in his brain with a poignant pang in his chest.
Facing the pain of being a homosexual and being in love with your best friend
had been hard on Steve, but it had almost destroyed Bucky.
I’m such a bonehead, sighed the blonde, yanking his underwear on and tossing
the stained clothes to the floor and gathering the quilts about himself. He
curled up into the fetal position and stared listlessly at the door to the
bedroom until Bucky returned, cup and dish towel in either hand.
At once witnessing something in Steve’s pensive expression, the brunette
hesitated, and their eyes met.
“Hey, Stevie,” he murmured gently, moving to his friend and holding out the
glass of water. “I’m sorry I came on so strong. And about all the salty
language. I know you’re not so hot on that kinda stuff.”
Steve couldn’t bear the compounded guilt he saw in the other man’s face, so he
focused his gaze on the cup as he took in in both hands, being extra careful
with how shaky they were. “It’s f-fine, Buck. I wanted it t-to happen. M-maybe
not exactly like that, but… ya know. I’m g-glad it did.”
Even though he’d looked away, he still caught Bucky’s lips twitching up with
mild amusement in the corner of his vision.
“So I guess you just get the shivers every time you go, huh?” asked Bucky,
watching his friend intently.
“I g-guess so,” Steve replied, before taking a few sips of the water. He
cleared his throat and placed the cup on the rickety nightstand beside the bed.
After a shake of his head, he sunk his arm back beneath the covers with a
rueful mutter. “S’r-really annoying...”
Bucky chuffed quietly, stepping back over to the door to turn off the lamp and
plunge the room into darkness. The only illumination that remained was but a
sliver of silvery moonlight cast from the window between their beds onto the
floor.
“I think it’s cute,” Bucky insisted, stepping to the end of the bed to climb
onto the mattress and crawl up behind the much smaller man. He pulled back the
covers and lay down before spooning his half-naked form up against the other’s.
“Here,” he said, snaking his arm around and wiping at Steve’s abdomen. He’d
moistened the rag he brought, so it did a much better job of cleaning things up
than Steve’s own clothes. Good thinking, Barnes.
Or maybe just more experienced with cleaning up cum stains. Yikes.
Trying not to think about how many lonely nights Bucky had spent sopping up his
own fluids, possibly on this very bed, Steve took the initiative and grabbed
the cloth from him. “Thanks,” he repeated. Once he’d gotten everything he could
think of on his stomach and gave his prick a quick once over, he reached out of
the covers and flung the towel onto the pile of clothes on the floor with
surprisingly accurate aim.
“So…” Bucky began, pressing his nose into Steve’s nape. For a guy who’s mouth
usually ran a mile a minute, he was suddenly pretty tight-lipped. Steve’s gut
clenched with apprehension. “Can we… talk about why you don’t uh… Well, you
know. Why you seem like you’re so… I dunno if ‘afraid’ is the right word…
Hesitant? I dunno.”
Steve grimaced, but slowly pulled in a long, chest-expanding breath that helped
still his tremors and calm his nerves a little. “You wanna know why I don’t
‘service myself.’”
He felt Bucky’s bashful laughter more than heard it, feathering over his bare
shoulders. The arm about his waist squeezed a little tighter, making him feel…
safer. “Heh, yeah. Among other things,”Bucky relented.
Endeavoring to anchor his thoughts to the security wrought from being cuddled
up against a warm body, being in Bucky’s powerful arms, Steve delved into the
vaults of his mind, reaching into the darkest, forcibly forgotten corners to
dredge up images from his past.
After what likely seemed like an eternity to poor Bucky, he finally spoke,
though his words were so distant, so hollow, it was as if he were reading from
a script.
“I’ve been… ashamed of myself for a long time, Buck. Of those kinda urges.
It’s… When I was twelve, someone… walked in on me... doing that,” he began. He
would have continued, if not for Bucky’s interjection.
“Who…?”asked the other man cautiously, concern barely reined in.
“S...Sister Mary Margaret,” Steve managed to force out, his stomach churning at
the mere mention of her name.
The horror that struck Bucky’s body rigid against him lowered his voice even
further, to a veritable whisper. “Oh, no… Not her...”
 Yes, her. The ‘Witch of the Orphanage.’
That woman had been the bane of their young existence, finding fault in every
little thing they did. She ruled the schoolyard and the rest of the ‘Sisters of
Mercy’ with an iron fist, smacking the behinds of the boys for any
indiscretion, even if it was the girls that had done it. Children at their
orphanage -- the ‘Angel Guardian Home for Little Children’ --  learned to fear
her and her yardstick as if she were the Devil incarnate.
Steve nodded, swallowing back bile. “She uh… she found me in the coat closet. I
had my face buried in… ehem --y-your jacket…”
This was sounding weirder and weirder to him as he spoke it aloud for the first
time. How revolted would Bucky be to know he was some sort of perverted
clothing sniffer? At the time, it had seemed so innocent… he’d just wanted to
smell something that made him feel safe, made his body come alive in ways he
didn’t yet understand. How was he to know it was strange to put your nose in
your friend’s jacket while touching yourself? He was but a confused, hormone-
ridden child.
“Aw, Stevie…” murmured Bucky, pressing a tentative kiss to the blonde’s neck.
“You… you had eyes for me… even then.”
It wasn’t a question. Why would it be? The subject matter had made it plainly
obvious just how deeply and for how long Steve had been in love with his best
friend. It was encouraging, at the very least, that Bucky seemed to find it
endearing instead of creepy.
Again, Steve bobbed his head, answering the rhetorical question in silence. He
just had to keep going, no matter how much thinking about this made his skin
crawl. Another breath was taken in before he forged ahead.
 “She took out her yardstick and hit my… she hit my… In the, uh, private
parts.”
Struck dumb, Bucky tried to offer comfort by way of moving the arm about
Steve’s midsection up to his chest, gently stroking his collarbone. Steve
layered his forearm over his friend’s and stilled his hands with gripping
fingers; he couldn’t handle being touched that way at this moment. Not during
this story. He just had to get it all out, so it could be in the open and done
with.
“Called me a much of names -- I was a sinner and a faggot, a homosexual, a s-
sodomizer …” God, he hated that word. “She said she was gonna... cut it off and
have me made into a eunuch. She just kept hitting it and hitting it until I… I
think I blacked out?”
At this, Steve shifted in Bucky’s grasp, turning his face into the pillow and
tightly cinching his eyes shut. He shifted his focus as well, to keep his
breathing normal, feeling the tightness in his chest of another attack coming
on. But… he had to fight it. In the silence, Bucky spoke up, his words sounding
dreamy and awestruck as realization after almost two decades finally set in.
“I heard you were getting your ass beat, an’ I wanted to punch that bi -- that
woman in the face,” he said, stumbling over using safer words for the other
even as his anger mounted. “Had I known what she was really doin’ to ya I
woulda… I woulda just killed her.”
Steve sighed quietly. That was… sweet, in a weird way, for Bucky to offer… But
he wasn’t done - not by a long-shot. “That’s not the end…” he muttered, angling
his mouth away from the pillow to be heard better. No, that was far from the
end.
***** Father Winslow *****
Chapter Notes
     [Author's Note: Trigger warnings for sexual abuse on a child.
     Apologies if this warning ruins some things for some, but I care
     about all my readers <3]
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Shi-- You’re kidding me,” Bucky said, ducking his head down and muffling the
curse on his lips against Steve’s back.
“If only,” retorted Steve with uncharacteristic bite. The continuation of his
tawdry tale returned the vacant hollowness to his voice. Detachment as a means
of self-preservation - he’d read that in some science book, in school. Didn’t
seem to be working all that well. “When I came to, she pulled up my trousers
and dragged me to Father Winslow’s office by the collar. She told him what
happened -- everything -- and then just… left me alone with him. I thought I
was… just gonna get another beatin’, but...”
Blessedly, Bucky remained silent and utterly still, apparently realizing that
any further input from him might upset Steve further. Wordlessly appreciative,
the blonde went on.
“He told me to take off my pants so he could see what Sister Mary had done, but
I refused, so he uh… he threatened to tell you about what I’d been doing. Said
he’d tell ALL the boys. So I did what he asked, ‘cause I couldn’t… I couldn’t
think about what you’d say, what you’d do if you found out I was a queer… I
didn’t wanna lose you, Buck...”he trailed off, raising his hand to his face to
rake his bangs from his vision, but they fell right back into place. Typical.
The panic he’d felt that day, even considering Bucky being disgusted with him,
or worse, refusing to associate with him... He couldn’t have lived with that
kind of pain, so he had chosen what he considered, at the time, to be the
lesser of two evils.
 “So... I did what he wanted. I pulled my pants down and showed him the marks,
and he… he started… t-touchin’ himself while he put his ha-hand on my…”
Even as he spoke, his fingers clenched around Bucky’s, nails cutting into his
own palm. What a sick, twisted thing to do to a kid. Had he been the only one?
If he could only go back and change everything, fight back instead of taking it
like a coward… Maybe the priest would have stopped. Maybe he wouldn’t have laid
his hands on another kid - ever again. Steve flared his nostrils, furious at
his own inaction.
“And I couldn’t... DO anything! It was like I was frozen there. I was shaking,
so scared, so angry … but he k-kept sayin’ that I’d forsaken G-God and that he
had to ‘cleanse’ me… And… ah-and...”
By then, the anxiety he’d been fighting so mightily had crept into his body and
wrested control from him. Just as he had on that day, with a priest fondling
him, he felt the air burn in his lungs, felt his stomach twisting and roiling.
Bucky could not stop himself any longer - he whispered ‘Breathe…’into Steve’s
ear, but the smaller man had to finish, even if it meant wheezing his way
through it. He was so close to finally getting this all off of his chest…
“-- A-and while -- hnnh! -- he was touchin’ me, I got… my body got excited , so
I th-thought -- hnn! --  I thought m-maybe part of me wanted all of this, ya
know? That I deserved it. That that’s what being a homosexual WAS. I c-
couldn’t… I just stopped b-breathing and I must’ve passed out again…”
And yet, beneath the crashing thunderstorm of these memories bombarding him
with emotions he thought he’d long since put behind him, his best friend was
still beside him, whispering to him, splaying his fingers over his panting
chest. “Breathe with me, buddy… in and out…”
There was no judgement. There was no disgust. There was no fear. There was only
unconditional acceptance. Love.
He could do this. Bucky still wanted him, after all this… or at the very least,
he still cared about him. That’s what mattered - not the past. Not the damage
that had been done to him. Not the ghosts that haunted his mind.
Steve forcibly unclenched his muscles and synced his breathing with Bucky’s,
feeling the way the larger man’s chest expanded, pressing his pectorals into
his bony shoulder blades.
He’s still here… He’s right here, with me …
With that empowering thought alone, he got through the final snippet as swiftly
as possible, like ripping a bandage off a wound.
“...When I woke up, I was on the couch, my pants were back on, and Father
Winslow and Sister Mary were arguing about me. I can’t… really remember what
she said to him , but when she came over to me, she said I couldn’t ever tell
anyone. If I did… God would never forgive my sins, and I’d burn in Hell -- you
know the deal. S’not like I… ever really wanted to anyway, so her sayin’ that
was just… redundant,” he muttered, a verbal shrug evident in his tone. “So I
just sorta… I went numb. She brought me back back to my cot in our room, and…
that was it. Never told a soul.”
Back in the present, Bucky cradled against him, and for a few moments, allowed
the silence to hang heavily between them. At length, the ritual of breathing
with the asthmatic blonde came to an end when Steve relinquished his white-
knuckled grip on Bucky’s hand and turned his head to try to view the other
through his periphery. At this angle and in the darkness, however, he could
only make out the outline of the other man’s jaw and the faint glimmer of his
eye. Was he… holding back tears?
“I’m so sorry, Steve… I had no idea. What those two did… none of that was your
fault, babydoll. You gettin’ excited was just your body, not you, okay? It
wasn’t your fault.”
Somewhere, the logical part of Steve understood that to be factual, but he
could still remember the way Father Wilson had started moaning when he’d gotten
hard… Still smelt his breath, felt his fingers on his bruised and battered
private parts…
Bucky clutched him tightly once, saving his friend from his own thoughts once
more. His voice was so soft, but Steve could still hear the smallest warble to
it.  “We don’t ever have t’do anything like this ever again. I’m just…”
He paused, swallowing thickly as he pulled his arm out from under Steve’s and
reached up to tuck a pale, errant strand behind his friend’s ear. “I’m happy
just being with you at all.”
The tenderness of such a simple action, and the regret Steve heard in those
words made his heart ache. Bucky was feeling guilty about what they’d just
done, no doubt, but there was no way in Hell Steve would take any of it back.
He spoke softly, then, wary of his own reaction.  “I wanna… I wanna do
everything for you, Buck. I wanna make love with you, be the man you need me to
be. But I c-can’t …”he explained, though his voice cracked with emotion upon
the final syllable. In an aggravated growl that curled his lips with the sheer
self-loathing pouring through him, he endeavored to release Bucky of his prior
commitments, spoken and unspoken.
“I’mbroken.You deserve better than me, pal. You should just… find a nice dame
and settle down withherinstea-”
Bucky scoffed, drawing Steve’s brows together high on his head in surprise as
he was cut off. “And leave my best guy high and dry? I don’t think so, buddy
boy. You’re not broken, Stevie - you’re still everything I want. And if you
want me too, then, heck, I’m more than willing to give us a try. We’ll just…
take it slow, okay?”
Steve twisted his torso around to better face his friend as he smoothed his
fingers along his jaw. The roguish smirk dancing on Bucky’s lips faltered as he
waited for a response. Finally, Steve shook his head and sighed, a weary smile
flicking onto his features. He’d been on such a physical and emotional
rollercoaster that night that almost anything seemed like a good idea, but
this, especially, had sound reasoning.
“Sounds good to me, buddy,”he murmured, before pressing a chaste kiss to his
newfound lover’s mouth.
 Slow and steady...
They hadn’t even said they’d loved each other yet, but maybe, for now, it
didn’t need to be said. There would be time for all of that later.
Chapter End Notes
     [Author's Note: And so ends part one of 'Good Enough'! Tell me what
     you think while I work on parts two and three. I survive purely on
     your feedback, my dears~!
     P.S. Sorry/Not sorry for absolutely destroying Steve, but at least
     you understand why such a little thing as Nat's 'public displays of
     affection' make him uncomfortable.
     In related news about when I role-play Steve: Although the parts
     about Bucky and Steve getting together before the war are usually
     nixed in the canons of various RPs, Steve will always have the Witch
     of the Orphanage and Father Winslow be a part of his history. Future
     Bucky players have been warned!
     Follow my in-character Steve blog and hit me up with RP and Ask Cap
     at: TheStar-SpangledAvenger.tumblr.com]
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