Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/790722.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Draco_Malfoy/Harry_Potter, Harry_Potter/Severus_Snape, Lucius_Malfoy/
      Harry_Potter, Harry_Potter/Ginny_Weasley
  Character:
      Harry_Potter, Severus_Snape, Draco_Malfoy, Lucius_Malfoy, Tom_Riddle_|
      Voldemort, Hermione_Granger, Ron_Weasley, Ginny_Weasley, Bellatrix
      Lestrange
  Additional Tags:
      Mpreg
  Collections:
      HPFandom
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-05-09 Chapters: 5/? Words: 13143
****** Going Under ******
by Deityofdeath
Summary
     Harry is captured and tortured by Voldemort and his followers. He
     wishes for death and even when help arrives he prefers death to
     returning to the world he's lived in. Can the others help him want to
     live again? MPREG
***** Now I will tell you what I've done for you *****
Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!!!!!!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are
property of JKR and major companies.
Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and
please review!
The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence
Chapter 1: Now I will tell you what I've done for you
"No! Please..."
My voice was nearly non-existent and what remained was soft, pleading and tears
filled. Repeatedly he raped me and in the beginning I repeatedly begged, cried,
pleaded and prayed for it to end.
None of my cries and prayers were heard and if they were they weren't answered,
they only heightened his pleasure and desire to here them more and more.
Repeatedly, day after day with what seemed like endless hours of torture. When
I wasn't dying a thousand deaths beneath his cold and cruel body he kept me
collared and chained in a small cage. If I dared to sleep I was poked, hexed,
beaten and verbally berated among other things until I eventually curled in on
myself in the middle of my tiny prison and eventually passed out. I don't know
how long I've been in his cold bony clutches but it took very little for them
to break me.
I had survived each hit, slap, punch and kick as well as every type of hex and
curse they could throw or cast my way to cause me pain and I came out just as
strong and indignant and ready to fight just like I always had in the past.
Then they found a new way to break me, a new way to cause me pain and leave me
asking for death.
With each second, minute, hour and day I prayed for death. Every time his
breath heavy and hot reeking of death touched me, every time he thrust deep
inside of me, every time he spoke and degraded me; I wished and asked for
nothing but the sweet release of death.
I was ready for it all to end. The fame, the stress, others expectations of me,
the constant echo of my name and mentions of my parents. I wanted it done and
over with. I don't care if there's a heaven or a hell nor do I wish to continue
to exist in either. I just want it to end, the cease to be.
They forced potion after potion down my throat and forced me to do things I had
never done with a person I loved let alone strangers and enemies. It was all a
big party for him and his followers. At one point I had ceased to beg and plead
and not soon after I did as they asked, wordlessly as if I weren't me. As if I
was no longer in possession of my body.
They had parties where I was the main event and it was at one of these parties
that I had finally seen some of Voldemort's followers that I knew.
How could I not know them?
One of them sat straight backed on the sofa dressed in black billowing robes
with a look of smug revulsion covering his face, his eyes showing disgust and
pity. He had been my potions Professor and he would most likely soon be one of
the many who would violate me this night just like Crabbe Sr. was doing now in
this crowded room for all to see.
The other two were practically clones of each other but at different stages in
their life. Next to my Potion's Professor Snape sat Draco and Lucius Malfoy.
Both just as rich and haughty looking as ever and yet their expressions had
changed. Malfoy Sr. looked like he was disgusted and wanted to be anywhere but
here watching as his master and fellow Death Eaters raped me. Draco looked
similar to his father and held a similar expression and yet their eyes...it was
almost as if they were not only pitying me but something more like anger and
outrage. Not at me, but what was being done to me.
It left me feeling weird and uncomfortable and I didn't like it. I had made
myself numb and now they had shown up was fucking it all up!
I refused to look at them and retreated deep inside myself where there was no
pain and humiliation and all was peaceful and quiet. I don't know or remember
what happens or how much time has lapsed when I do that but whenever I come out
of it, it's always dark and my tormentors are always gone.
I awake from my quiet refuge and find things changed. There was a small light
from the tip of a wand and three sets of eyes starring at me from outside my
cage. I crawl to the edge and sit on my haunches and stare at them.
"Have you come to kill me?"
The looks of astonishment anger me.
"No you fool! We've come to save you, "said Snape in a harsh tone.
A smile had not touched my face since before my capture had appeared but it
wasn't my usual smile. It didn't feel like my normal smile.
"I'd rather you kill me."
They all stared at me in shock.
"I'm afraid we can't do that Potter. You're our trump card. With you we can
return to the Order and find shelter," said Malfoy Sr.
"What if I said that you could find your own damn savior and save yourselves
since you all got yourselves into your own personal hell and then bit my
tongue? It would serve you all right."
"If you were capable of that you would have done it by now, unless you were too
cowardly to do it," said a snide Draco.
"I tried and almost succeeded. Have you seen that leather bit they put in my
mouth while their raping me? There's a reason for it. I also have a spell on my
mouth at the moment that prevents me from trying to attempt that particular
type of suicide again but when we return they'll take it off and when they
do..."
"Why in the name of Merlin would you kill yourself after you've been saved?"
I looked into Lucius' eyes and felt all emotion leave me," because I haven't
been saved. I'll be passed from one tyrant to another. Harry Potter, the savior
of all. Harry Potter, will defeat Voldemort. Harry Potter destroyed him once. A
lot to live up to. A lot I have gone through and yet you want to return me so
that I can be put through more of your wizarding world bullshit!"
"Have you lost your bloody mind Potter!?"
I stared at Draco and the other two and replied as icily as I could, "Let's
trade places Draco. Come serve your master. Come let him fill you and place a
collar around your neck and when you no longer scream for him and he passes you
to his followers let me sit on the soft couch and stare at you the same way you
stared at me, a mix of disgust and pity."
It was quiet and I looked at Snape," Kill me. Cast the unforgivable and end my
life. It would be irony to die in the same fashion as them. If it helps imagine
that I'm my father, you treated me with as much hatred and revulsion as if I
were him. Now you can have your revenge. If you're too cowardly to do so then
remove the spell and let me end it myself."
Snape raised his wand and I closed my eyes and smiled a real smile for the
first time in a long time.
"I'm sorry," was what he said before an unknown incantation left his lips and
my world went dark.
To Be Continued...
***** 50 thousand tears I've cried *****
Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are
property of JKR and major companies.
Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction~! Enjoy and
please review~!
The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence
Chapter 2: 50 thousand tears I've cried
I felt the dark haze of sleep lift and I realized three things. 1. I was alive.
2. Snape had apologized because he couldn't or wouldn't kill me. 3. I was lying
in a bed covered in blankets which meant I was no longer in Voldemort's grasp.
I opened my eyes and looked at my surroundings. I was in a room that had seen
better days, letting me know that the residence I was currently residing in was
old. There were two other beds in the room indicating that there had been or
still was a large family occupying this residence. The beds were also messy and
unmade letting me know that they had been slept in recently. The smell of fresh
baked bread, bacon and coffee hid the smell of old wood and seemed to grow
stronger. My stomach growled and I sat up pulling my legs out from underneath
the heavy covers.
I saw that I no longer was bare for the world and all in it to see. Someone had
seen fit to clothe me in a white T-shirt, black sweat pants and white socks
that went above my ankles.
Clothes didn't feel right any more. I had gone so long without them that now I
wore them I felt closed off and unable to move properly. It also felt like
clothing me was hiding the proof of what had happened. Hide the healing cuts,
welts, bruises, whip marks and initials that so many of Voldemort's Death
Eaters had carved into my skin as a reminder. I didn't need their initials
scarred in my skin to remind me. I would remember each hurtful thrust and each
minute I spent wishing I was dead.
I drew my knees up to my chest and realized that a familar weight still clung
around my neck. I lifted my hands and traced the thick leather collar that had
a silver tag emblazened with Voldemort's dark mark and little diamonds that
went around, the black of the collar causing them to stand out like stars in
the blackest sky.
It must have a spell on it that they couldn't remove or have yet to figure out
how to undo.
I slid my feet over the edge and walked towards the bedroom door and turned the
knob, leaning against it ever so lightly so that it slowly and quietly opened.
Once the door was open I peered out and saw rows of closed doors and stairs
leading down. I knew where I was. I had been to this place many a time. The
bedroom had been new to me but the rest of the house let me know that this was
Grimmauld place, Sirius' home and prison before he had died.
I softly walked towards the door I knew to be the bathroom and pushed it open
the rest of the way since it had already been slightly ajar. Upon stepping
inside I turned on the light and came face to face with my own pallid
reflection. My eyes were deep and sallow within their sockets and they
resembled those of a deer in headlights. They looked haunted and frightened. My
skin was pale yet covered in bruises in various stages of healing. Some were
violet and green while others were brown and yellow and the many shades in
between. My eyes were a horrid shade of green and the purple bruising around
them from lack of sleep just made them look that much more awful. My hair was
greasy and parts of it lay against my head in dry caked among other things
while other pieces stuck up in every direction.
I looked at myself in that well lit mirror and hated what I saw. I felt a
static fill my mind as I raised my fist and punched the mirror in front of me
as hard as I could. I watched as hundreds of shards in all sizes and shapes
rained down and into the sink, a few coated in a deep crimson. I moved my fist
so that I could see it closely and stared at my sliced and bloody knuckles
marveling in the beauty of the reflective surfaces that protruded from my
flesh. Some pieces were coated with my crimson blood and yet on the glass my
blood reminded me of the candied apples that my cousin Dudley was so fond of.
I watched as that white porcelain sink filled with bright red that tinted pink
under the ever dripping faucet. I was mesmerized, so much so that I missed the
screaming and yelling of my name. It wasn't until hands of tan and peach
invaded my vision pulling the beautiful carnage from my sight and wrapped my
bleeding hand in a nearby clean rag. I tried snatching my bleeding hand away
glaring into light brown eyes.
"Let go!"
"I can't do that Harry. I can't stand here and watch as you hurt yourself,"
said Remus Lupin my ex Professor.
"Then go away," I said tightly.
"We can't dear," said Mrs. Weasley soothingly.
"Why not? Neither of you were near or watching when I was taken from out front
of my Aunt and Uncles home and now you want to help? Where were you! No matter
how many times I told you not that I needed to! You knew! Everyone knew! Then
he showed up with his cronies and I was left helpless because my Uncle
confiscated my wand and someone had allowed Mundungus back on duty!"
I saw her eyes quiver with the gathering tears and part of me felt awful, but
that part was hiding deep inside like a cowering child lost and scared.
"We're sorry for that Harry, we all are."
"If you're truly sorry then let go and walk away. Let me die. I don't want to
be anyone's savior! I don't want to live with the fame of my parent's death! I
don't want to watch anyone else die! I don't want to feel anymore!"
"We're sorry Harry and because of that we can't let you die. Starting from here
we'll do our best to help you live and not feel as though the weight of the
world is on your shoulders. There's nothing we can do about your parents or the
fact that their death and brought you fame because you lived nor is there
anything we can do about the deaths you've witnessed thus far but we will try
our hardest to see that you feel little or no pain from this point on," said
Remus pulling me into a hug.
"I see you make no promises."
"Nothing can be guaranteed Harry. Each day we are all pawns to fate and life."
"Come, let's go fix you up. I'll have Bill and Charlie come clean this up,"
said Mrs. Weasley glancing at the sink.
I let them lead me out of the bathroom and back into the room I had left. They
helped me into a sitting position and while Remus looked over my hand Mrs.
Weasley left. I felt nothing as I watched Remus pull shards of broken glass
from my knuckles. When he had pulled what seemed to be the last piece out, Mrs.
Weasley returned carrying a small first aid kit.
I sat and allowed her to pour a disinfectant over my hand. Watching as it
bubbled and fizzed I realized that I felt nothing. No pain, no discomfort and
not even the tickling sensation of the bubbles. Remus and Mrs. Weasley seemed
to notice as well but neither said anything.
Mrs. Weasley wiped away the dirty remnants and then gently took my small, thin
and frail looking hand in her two large, plump warm ones and with one hand
holding mine her other slowly and carefully covered my cuts in a mixture of
healing potion and scar-B-Gone.
"You needn't be so slow and gentle. I can't feel anything. I haven't in a
while."
I saw her stiffen slightly but she never changed her pace or the gentle way in
which she did her mending. She had taken out clean white gauze bandages and
began to wrap them around my knuckles and hand.
"I think it's because of the Cruciatus. I don't know or remember how many times
Voldemort and the others used it but after a while it just...stopped hurting."
"We'll have Headmistress McGonagall look into it as well as Professor Snape,"
said Remus thickly.
"How long?"
"How long? How long what dear," asked Mrs. Weasley as she finished up on my
hand.
"How long was I gone? How long was I in his possession?"
It was quiet, as if both were figuring out how to answer. How to phrase it or
how much to say and then Remus sighed and ran a hand through his almost fully
gray hair.
"A little over two months."
I sat there and watched as Mrs. Weasley turned her back towards me shuffling
things around in the first aid kit and then shutting and locking it.
"We would always arrive a day or two after he had already packed up his evil
circus and left and before Severus, Draco and Lucius had succeeded in saving
you we had almost caught him."
"Where are they?"
"Voldemort and his followers or Severus, Draco and Lucius?"
I stared at Mrs. Weasley, "The last three."
"Severus is at Hogwarts gathering his things so that he can move them into the
basement here and I assume Draco and Lucius are both here as well, in their
rooms most likely."
So they had got what they had used me for. They had their shelter and
protection and in the home that was rightfully mine, the home that Sirius had
left to me and Remus. I had become someone's pawn yet again.
"Are you feeling alright?"
I nodded at Mrs. Weasley's question and looked around, "I smelled breakfast, is
there any left?"
"Of course dear! Would you like to eat up here or downstairs?"
I thought about it. I could hide away up here for a little while longer or I
could go downstairs and face it head on, causing not only myself discomfort but
others as well. It would have to be done eventually and this bedroom was
becoming stifling.
"Downstairs. I've got to face everyone eventually, why not now?"
She smiled even though her brown eyes showed sorrow in their watery depths.
"Let's be going then, the foods most likely being devoured by Ron."
I smiled and stood up. I followed behind Mrs. Weasley who led the way and
behind me I could feel the strong and comforting presence of Remus at my back.
We went out into the hallway and passed the bathroom which now exuded a lemony
scent. We walked down the stairs and past the many heads of dead house elves.
Soon we arrived in the dining room where we saw Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco,
Lucius, Bill, Charlie and Tonks all sitting at the table which was piled high
with food. Ron had his plate piled high and was in mid-chew when he stopped and
called out my name, causing food to fly from his mouth in various directions.
Identical looks of disgust covered both Malfoy's faces.
"Ronald Weasley, how many times have I said not to talk with your mouth full!"
"Sorry, Mom," he said blushing slightly after swallowing the remaining food in
his mouth.
Hermione looked at him with distaste before turning to smile at me. Tears
filled her bright brown eyes as she stood up and walked over to me, pulling me
into a big hug.
"I was so worried about you. I'm so glad Professor Snape and the Malfoy's found
you and brought you back."
I returned her hug and realized how small her waist had gotten since our last
hug.
"You're so...skinny," I said softly and taken aback.
"Kind of hard to eat when you don't know whether your best friend is dead or
alive," she said softly while she wiped away her tears.
"I see Ron still has his appetite," I said grinning.
"He's gained everything I've lost. Fred and George keep asking him when the
baby's due," said Hermione grinning.
"And I keep telling Fred and George that I'm not gay!"
I stared at Ron and let what had been said sink in. As it sunk in I felt
butterflies in my stomach and suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore even wasn't
so hungry to begin with.
"There's nothing wrong with gay wizards," proclaimed Hermione as she huffed at
Ron and his comment.
"Never said there was, it's just not my cup of tea. Besides, we all know I
wouldn't have a problem with it. Especially since at least two of my darling
brothers are gay."
"RONALD WEASLEY!"
"You know its true, Mom. I don't care if others know. Most of us here are good
acquaintances and even if there are those among us who aren't, they have no
right to throw stones," said Charlie smiling brightly.
I sat down in an empty chair next to Hermione and Remus took a seat in the
empty chair next to me and grabbed two plates in the middle of the table. He
put one in front and one in front of himself. He grabbed a fork and put a nice
size piece of roast beef on my plate and a smaller one on his own. As I watched
him pile on mashed potatoes, green beans and corn bread the conversation
continued.
"I thought male pregnancy was just a myth," said Hermione.
"By Merlin, call the Prophet; we've got a news story for them! I can see the
headlines now, 'Granger doesn't know something'," said Draco who started
laughing and oddly enough Ron joined him.
"Well you have to admit that it sounds rather impossible," she said
defensively.
"This coming from a muggle who goes to a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry!"
Hermione turned to look at smiling Trunks and huffed," I get it; I don't know
everything so is someone going to fill me in so I can?"
"It's hard to explain. Some say that male pregnancy in the wizarding world is
caused by powerful wizards while others say that it has to do with a gene only
found in pure blooded wizarding families. Some even suggest it's caused because
the impregnated wizard is a hermaphrodite. No one knows for sure and most
wizards wish for privacy and not to become guinea pigs while others choose not
to look a gift horse in the mouth," said Lucius joining the conversation.
"Are there books on male pregnancy," asked Hermione.
"Yes, but not many. There's one written by a descendant or Merlin that goes
through the details of his own pregnancy," said Charlie.
"What are the symptoms if a male wizard gets pregnant," asked Hermione.
"The same as a witch's pregnancy, some say the symptoms are worse but I believe
men are just bigger babies when it comes to aches, pains and inconveniences,"
said Mrs. Weasley.
I had been picking at my food and in a moment of insecurity I lifted my hand
and placed it on my stomach.
"Harry dear, are you feeling okay? You haven't touched your food and you're as
pale as a ghost."
I looked at Mrs. Weasley and felt Remus' comforting grip on my shoulder," Is
there a test to...you know...find out?"
"Well you can use a muggle one or you could..."
She stopped talking and turned pale. As if sensing our thoughts the table grew
quiet. I looked up and found just about everyone's eyes on me.
My stomach churned and I stood up quickly and ran out of the kitchen and
towards the stairs. I found the bathroom that now smelled lemony and shoved the
door open causing it to bang against the wall. I ran over to the toilet and
pulled the seat up as I collapsed in front of it and began to loose what little
I had eaten and continued to throw up nothing. I had finished heaving and with
all my strength gone I curled up on the small plush rug on the bathroom floor
and closed my eyes, praying to anyone who was listening that I wasn't one of
the few that could conceive.
I hadn't noticed anyone enter nor had I heard the conversations that the group
was now having in the hallway. What I had noticed was the cold damp cloth that
was placed on my forehead and then wetted again so that the person could wipe
it across my face and the back of my neck. I was helped into a sitting position
where I could clearly see Remus' worried face as he had the refreshed rag in
his hand and slid it over my face which was beginning to feel hot again.
"Shh...Its okay, Harry. Don't cry. We called Madam Pomphrey and Professor Snape
and both are coming over to give you the test, okay?"
I nodded and he pulled me into a hug. I stiffened. I couldn't help it. I had
been held by men in the same fashion except it usually ended with me being hurt
or raped. He rubbed my back until I began to feel tired and my last coherent
thought was of a tiny red eyed Tom Riddle ripping itself from my body.
To Be Continued...
Went over and fixed mistakes and errors. This story has potential but started
off rather badly.
Kat
***** Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you *****
Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are
property of JKR and major companies.
Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction~! Enjoy and
please review~!
The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence
Chapter 3: Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
I hadn't noticed anyone enter nor had I heard the conversations that the group
was now having in the hallway. What I had noticed was the cold damp cloth that
was placed on my forehead and then wetted again so that the person could wipe
it across my face, neck and the back of my neck. I was helped into a sitting
position and now I could clearly see Remus' worried face as he had the
refreshed rag in his hand as he slid it over my face which was beginning to
feel hot again.
"Shh...Its okay Harry, don't cry. We called Madam Pomphrey and Professor Snape
and both are coming over to give you the test, okay?"
I nodded and he pulled me into a hug. I stiffened. I couldn't help it. I had
been held by men in the same fashion except it usually ended with me being hurt
or raped. He rubbed my back until I began to feel tired and my last coherent
thought was of a tiny red eyed Tom Riddle ripping itself from my body.
"I didn't think I'd be called back here so soon and especially to take care of
yet another set of wounds. Try to keep an eye on him without being over
bearing."
"How is that possible, Poppy! The boy has been through so much and we want so
much for him to heal but how can he heal if even a hug causes a negative
reaction," demanded Mrs. Weasley.
I lay there in my bed wrapped in blankets with my eyes closed faking sleep
while I listened to them discuss me as if I weren't in the room at all.
"You have to give him time and with this newest dilemma...we really need a
'Basics of witch and wizard society' class. With so many muggle born and
children in similar situations as Seamus and Harry the class is more than
needed."
"Have you talked to Minerva about this," asked Remus.
"Of course, she said as soon as we can open the school again it will be added
to the curriculum and a teacher will be hired. Anyway...enough distractions,
let's start this test! You can stop feigning sleep, Mr. Potter."
I opened my eyes and slowly sat up. I looked up at Madam Pomphrey who gave me a
small smirk; I then noticed that behind her stood none other than Severus
Snape. Part of me wanted to rip his throat out and cause him every ounce of
pain he had caused me and yet I couldn't because he wasn't the one who had
tortured me or told others to torture me but instead of giving me the peace I
so wanted he returned me to society and I hated him for it. If this turned out
positive I would hate him even more and as if thinking my thoughts he looked
away. He knew. He had sold me out for his own safety. We were both cowards but
some how his offense was worse than mine.
"Would you like us to stay," asked .
I thought about it for a moment and then shook my head no. If it came out
positive there was no telling how I was going to react and I really didn't want
to have any more embarrassing moments in front of her or Remus.
Mrs. Weasley looked a little sad and I immediately felt bad for thinking all
the things that were dark, "I'm sorry..."
Her eyes grew big and she shook her head, "There's no need for you to be! Oh,
Harry...I'm the one who's sorry. You should have never gone through any of what
you've gone through and each smile that dies on your face kills something in
me. We would give anything to see one of your rare smiles that go from ear to
ear again."
I nodded and looked down at my hands, "One day..," I said softly.
She came over and gently placed her hand on my right cheek and leaned down to
place a kiss on my forehead and then she pulled me into a hug. I didn't want to
stiffen or flinch but I did. I felt her stiffen and then squeeze me tighter. I
felt a small bit of happiness and security in that moment but I knew that
neither would last. It would all come falling down in a few minutes. Deep down
inside I could feel something wasn't right.
She let go of me and I turned to look at Remus, "Um...just in case could you
have everyone stay downstairs?"
He nodded and Mrs. Weasly placed another kiss atop my head before she let me go
and stood up straight and walked towards the door with Remus.
"I'll make you some soup since you've didn't eat last night," she said before
she left the room shutting the door behind her.
I sat there and stared at the door while the sounds of rustling clothing
resumed around me. I sat there and stared at that door until Snape stepped in
front of me, obscuring my view. He held out an empty small rounded bottle and I
looked at it trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with it.
"I want you to take this into the bathroom and urinate into it, preferably not
past the middle."
I nodded and stood up. I took the bottle from him and walked towards the
bedroom door. I opened it and walked out into the hallway, happy to see no one
was there I made my way to my new second home, the bathroom. I opened the door
and went inside. I had to use the bathroom a few minutes ago but now my bladder
had suddenly gone dry as I slid down my pajama bottoms and held the bottle with
one hand and my member in the other. I stood there facing the toilet with my
pants down to my knees, trying to coerce my urine in to making an appearance.
After a few minutes there was a knock on the door.
"Harry, are you alright?"
I felt my face warm and I sighed as I answered, "Yes..."
"What's the matter dear?"
"My bladder has decided to be shy," I answered. I once again prayed there was
no one out there listening, especially not Snape.
"Turn the faucet on and place your hand under it," said the droll voice of
Snape.
If I could have died of embarrassment I would have. I did what he said and
surprisingly enough it did the trick. I could have said thank you if in my
inattentive state I hadn't just urinated on my hand.
I cursed and fixed my aim, watching as it filled to the middle. I removed the
bottle and finished in the toilet and upon finishing I did the minimum two
shakes and flushed the toilet before setting a piece of toilet tissue on the
edge of the tub and setting my "sample" atop it. I then turned and thoroughly
washed my hands with warm water and soap and then dried them on a nearby hand
towel. I stared at the bottle and decided a bit of decorum was needed so I
wrapped a piece of toilet tissue around it before I opened the door and handed
it to my ex-potions Professor, who looked like he wanted to laugh.
I almost did as well but my nerves made me very nauseous so for the sake of not
dry heaving again I simply gave a small smirk. I followed him back into my
room, Madam Pomphrey on my heels.
"Have a seat, Potter."
I did as he said and watched him pull out a long wide bottle containing a thick
clear liquid. He set it in plain sight and then lifted the one containing my
urine. He looked me in the eye with a questioning look and I nodded. He poured
my urine into the bottle containing the clear liquid and then he turned to look
at me, "If you're with child it'll turn a pale clear blue, if your not then
it'll turn a clear red like the candy apple coating you muggles are so fond
of."
At least I wasn't the only one fascinated with the bright colored treat.
I nodded and watched it swirl, going from a pale yellow because of my urine to
a shade of pale green, then turquoise and finally a pale blue. I felt ill. It
felt as if my world had come crashing down around me. I stood up and rushed for
a small trash can beside my bed. I grabbed it and began a long series of dry
heaves into it. There was nothing to throw up because I hadn't eaten anything
in days and whatever liquids I had consumed had already come up as well. I sat
there heaving until I couldn't heave anymore and then I started crying.
"You have choices Harry," said Madam Pomphrey.
"You could abort, put the child up for adoption or you could keep the child."
I set the waste basket on the floor and fell back onto the bed. My eyes were
swollen, my throat was raw and sore and I was pregnant.
"Will I be able to tell who the father is?"
"It depends on how far along you are," said Snape cutting off Madam Pomphrey
before she could reply.
"How far along am I," I asked covering my eyes with my right arm.
"A simple spell will tell us," Madam Pomphrey answered, "Just stay lying and
lift up your shirt so that I can see your abdomen."
I did as she asked and watched as she lifted her wand and passed it a few times
over my abdomen reciting some incantation unknown to me. I watched as a monitor
like vision appeared above my stomach and with it the image of an alien like
creature attached to a small cord. It looked almost like a bald hamster or a
radioactive sea monkey.
I stared at it and let one million thoughts fly through my head because of this
one little being that had made its place inside of my body and soon my life.
I thought about the impact the pregnancy would make on my life and those around
me. Could I kill this being growing inside of me because of what I went through
and yet could I raise a child knowing that it was created during my suffering.
The spell remained as she answered, "I'd say you're about a little over seven
weeks along."
I opened my eyes and stared at what could be described as a sea monkey, a sea
monkey that was growing inside of me and would soon grow to be a little person.
I hated it for being alive and yet I knew I shouldn't. This floating being
wasn't at fault. I could blame and hate it but that wouldn't solve anything and
it would only make matters worse. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths
and cleared my mind.
"How do we find out who the father is," I asked as I reopened my eyes and
stared down at the now fading image.
"We usually need some piece of the suspected father. Hair, skin, a scab
something with DNA," answered Snape in his voice devoid of its usual snideness.
"If we happened to have samples from a few of the suspected fathers and one
tested positive what actions would be taken," I asked starring down the bed at
my feet.
"It would depend on the person and the actions you would want taken," responded
Poppy.
"And if the child is Voldemort's?"
Her eyes grew large and I heard the sharp inhale from Snape behind me.
"That would also be your decision," said Poppy shakily.
"I think for now I would prefer not to know."
I looked up and found two pairs of shocked eyes looking down at me.
"I know that I am giving up a chance to put one or more of my rapists behind
bars but if there is a small chance Voldemort fathered this child there's the
chance that such news would easily and quickly be spread causing the life of an
innocent to be filled with hate and distrust. I will not allow this child to go
through such hardships.
Snape and Poppy both looked thoughtful, surprised and proud of the choice that
I had made.
I placed my right hand on my flat stomach and did something I hadn't done in a
long time, I prayed. I prayed for the unborn child deep inside of me and for
that child's future. If I survived long enough to give this child life I wanted
this child to know love and friendship, happiness and the good kind of sadness.
I wanted this child to have a future filled with the possibilities I could
never have because of who I was and what I had lived through.
"I'll let you both know something and then you can pass it on to the others. I
will deliver this child and I will defeat Voldemort and if I survive both then
I will have paid whatever imaginary debt to you all that everyone thinks I owe
and then you all can leave me the hell alone! No more bleeding for you or
deceiving for you and no more being your scapegoat or better yet no more being
your savior. I won't be my families freak relative anymore nor will I be boy
wonder or whatever else everyone thinks I am or what they perceive me to be."
I saw my words sink in and they both gave me nods and words of understanding. I
brushed my bangs from my eyes and forehead before I continued to speak, this
time in a tone that was less harsh and accusatory.
"I want you both to know that should something happen to me I want my child
given a home away from all of this. I want to them to be free of the magical
world and somewhere deep in the muggle world with kind, gentle and caring
muggles who will raise a child with the same traits. Should all be saved and
everything resolved then send my child his or her letter should they have
magical abilities but if and only if there is no longer a threat in the
wizarding world. Do not pull my child from a happy home otherwise."
With that I sat up and then pulled my shirt down, "Did anyone bring me any
clothes? And also, has anyone figured out how to get this damn thing off," I
asked pointing to the collar around my neck.
"I'll have one of your...friends bring up your clothes," said Snape as he took
his leave.
"They're still looking for a spell to remove the collar but I believe that
Molly has come up with a few she would like to try," said Poppy as she
straightened up some of the mess left behind and then packed it away into a bag
that she minimized.
I nodded and she went to the door, "We're sorry for everything that's happened
Harry, we really are. You carry such heavy burdens at such a young age but I
believe as well as the others that you can overcome it. There's an old muggle
saying, "God only gives you what he thinks you can handle".
"Muggles also say that God is merciful and loving, so what God would put me
through this? I don't think any of this is the work of God Poppy but thank you
for trying to put a better light on it."
She nodded and left me to my thoughts and turmoil within that threatened to
spell out engulfing all that I was.
To Be Continued...
Once again, re-written and added/fixed some new stuff. This story is improving
and can only get better…or at least I hope so.
Kat AKA DeityOfDeath
***** And you still won't hear me *****
Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are
property of JKR and major companies.
Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and
please review!
The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence
Chapter 4: And you still won't hear me
I was given a set of clean clothes by Snape who surprisingly seemed to hover
very near while I dressed. It was as if he expected to slit my wrists while
dressing or perhaps he expected me to run away as soon as I had clothes. There
was no telling with him and he gave nothing away in his eyes or the
expressionless frown that was always in place.
I slipped on a clean pair of blue cotton boxer shorts and then a clean pair of
white socks before I slid into a pair of blue denim jeans. Next I pulled on a
red polo shirt and ran a hand through my usually messy hair before I picked up
my glasses from where I had set them on the bed.
Mrs. Weasley was kind enough to keep them for me. Apparently they had fallen
off during my abduction and were the only thing found in front of my Aunt and
Uncles house after I was kidnapped.
I slid them on and for the first time and realized how many fine details I had
missed without them.
Starring at Snape I could see that he wore a guilt stricken frown when ever he
glanced my way. Why? Was he feeling repentant about everything he had done to
me in the past? Perhaps he was feeling guilty about not killing me when I had
asked but I doubted that. Then it occurred to me. Perhaps Snape was one of the
many who had raped me. I looked him fully in the eye and saw him look away. I
was most likely right. Why not play a little game of "Never have I ever".
"You won't look me in the eye...why is that?"
"..."
"Is there something you're not telling me, Professor?"
Once again he was silent so I continued to push the many buttons he had
presented to me with his look of guilt, "I know...is it because you were there
when I was getting raped? Were you aroused? Or is it because you already knew I
was being raped because you had been forced to attend one of my rapes before?"
He turned to look at me, a harsh and raw look of regret and shame lay bare on
his face which was all too soon replaced by red faced anger and outrage.
"I'm betting you had to have a go at me as well didn't you. Are your initials
carved into my body like the others? What if you're the father? Wouldn't that
be a conquest! Harry Potter raped and carrying the child of the man who was
tortured and tormented by his father. Oh, I bet you'd love that..."
I felt something rush past me and at the same time into me. I slammed into the
wall, my breath knocked out of me. I took a few breaths before looking up into
the maddened onyx eyes of Severus Snape and even though deep inside I felt a
tremor of fear I looked up into that frightening visage and grinned.
I had found some comfort in my anger and hatred. Neither would help me heal but
for now both allowed me to make it through the day without tears. It really
didn't matter who was on the receiving end, as long as I could shed some of my
pent up rage and hide behind the now all too comforting mask of cruelty and
anger.
"Don't grin at me boy! I didn't want to rape you! I wouldn't put anyone through
that! Not you, not your father and not my worse enemy! Do you understand! Rape
is rape! No one should know what its like."
"But you do...don't you," I asked feeling tears fill my eyes despite the hot
anger that boiled throughout my chest.
He looked away and I felt the tears fall, "Do you? Tell me! Tell me I'm not
alone! Tell me! Please..."
It was frightening how much I wanted his answer. How haunting my words felt,
like they had come from someone else.
His hands were pressed against the wall on either side of my head and I slid
past them as I slid down the wall and fell onto the floor crying softly.
I felt ashamed, isolated and angry all at once and yet I felt empty. How was it
possible to be brimming with emotions and yet still feel empty?
"Yes! Yes, I know! Before there was you there was me! There was also Lucius,
Narcissa and perhaps even Draco. Unlike you I knew what to expect, it wasn't my
first time. I had been raped before by nameless students in school so it was no
surprise. I preferred men but it was still rape. If loves not involved and it's
not something you want willingly then its rape. Physical, mental,
emotional…it's like they rape more than just your body."
"Can you count how many times," I asked as I starred at the floor between my
legs.
"Yes. Each time was a small death for me."
"I couldn't..."
"Couldn't what Potter."
"Harry..."
"Couldn't what, Harry?"
"I couldn't keep count. That's why I didn't remember you. After a while I would
kind of...zone out. I would find this place where it was quiet and peaceful and
there was no pain."
It went silent. No words left either of us as our harsh and uneven breaths
filled the nearly silent room followed by my occasional sniffle and shuddering
breath.
"I'm sorry."
Why was he apologizing? Should he be apologizing? Should I say something? Why
can't I look him in the eyes?
"Are you the only one I know who could be a possible father?"
"No."
I sat there and stared at the wood floor between my legs and watched how each
line or grain in the wood followed its own path, sometimes meeting up with
another line to form a new line.
"Has Poppy told anyone yet?"
I heard the rustle of his robes as he paced the room, "No. I believe she wants
to wait and see if or when you'll tell them."
"So is it just Lucius or was Draco one of them as well?"
"It was both of them. I was there as were the others. I believe Draco wished
for it to be anyone but him. It was...embarrassing for him. He is a so called
"lover of all" and yet he was still pure and he had his heart set on having his
first time with someone he loved and when he saw you and knew what he had to do
to you in order to stay alive and unharmed… I believe that it hurt him inside.
He cried silently the whole time."
Some part of me remembered that, just barely. I remembered that there was a man
who was thrusting inside of me at an odd and off balance pace and when he
finished he wrapped his arms around me in the oddest hug I had felt. It wasn't
like being with the others; he wasn't trying to cause pain it was as if he were
in as much pain as me. I remember him saying something over and over but I
couldn't make out the words.
"What was it that he kept whispering in my ear," I asked softly.
At the this question he stopped his pacing causing the clack off his dress
shoes on the wooden floor to stop along with the rustling of his billowy robes.
"You remember," he asked astounded.
"Bits and pieces; it's as if someone took a movie and cut out most of the plot,
but his sticks out more than others. He hugged me and I remember how desperate
that hug was and how stiff his body was while he whispered into my ear."
I heard a deep exhale of breath and then the sound of my bed giving way under
his weight as the springs creaked, "I'm pretty sure that he is the one out of
the three of us who would prefer that you didn't remember. He is my Godson and
I care for him but his own overzealous stupidity brought all that has happened
upon the two of us. His father dug his own grave and Draco was always one to
idolize his father."
I looked up at him where he sat across the room then and realized how much
alike we were. Not just Snape and I. I placed my hand on my stomach and let my
tears fall as I looked over at him from his place on my bed.
"I wouldn't mind if one of you were the father."
He abruptly lifted his head and stared at me in shocked disbelief, "Are you
mad! We're ex-death eaters! I'm at least 12 years your senior not to mention
your Professor and I have succeeded in making your life a living hell! Lucius
loves no one but himself and is a narcissus when it comes to blood and
breeding. Draco is your age but immature. He being a father would be a train
wreck to say the least."
I gave a watery smile and looked at him, "So you're the best out of the three?"
His shock turned into surprise as he stared at me, "My dear boy you must be mad
if you think I'm the best."
"I would rather one of you three be the father and not Voldemort. Even if I
could come to love this child growing inside of me...if it were Voldemort's it
would be a witch hunt. They would seek to have my child destroyed for merely
being alive. You can't deny it and even though the others would we all know
it's true. My child would be as hated as I was loved, just for being alive. At
least if it were one of you my child could live a somewhat normal life. And out
of all the other choices for a father at least with one of you I know he would
have somewhat of a decent soul."
His expression changed into one of sympathy and it was then that he understood.
It was also then that I understood myself.
This child would give me a new reason to live and yet, if this child died or
was harmed in any way I doubt I could say that my life would no longer have
meaning or purpose. I do not wish this child harm but I can't wish its life
with any enthusiasm either. There had to be some meaning or reason all this had
happened to me and perhaps that reason was this child. Was it a life lesson,
there would be no telling; right now I didn't feel anymore enlightened.
"For you Po...Harry, I'll hope that the child within belongs to one of us and
perhaps it would be even better if it belonged to some nameless Death Eater
from another country."
"Yes, especially since the latter is more of a possibility. But I would prefer
the father be someone of a higher moral character."
"We need to end this war so that you can live amongst others so that you can
see things in a better light, Potter...Harry...Boy!"
"Harry, sir," I answered softly.
"How am I to refer to you by your first name if you call me Professor or sir!"
"Then what shall I call you, Snape? That sounds almost rude."
"Call me Severus you impertinent brat. Sometimes I believe you go out of your
way to irritate."
"It's a natural talent, most likely inherited from the father I never got to
know."
"You are as angst ridden as a Charles Dickens story or worse...Jane Austin."
"You've read those," I asked wiping away any remnants of tears.
"Yes, and since you will be stuck in this house without much to do I shall
bring them so that you too can be familiar with them as well. Perhaps I can
make a cultured individual out of you yet. Now do you wish to tell them now or
later?"
"I'd prefer later but you would disapprove and then I would have no one to have
witty banter with. I doubt Ron or Hermione would be very good
conversationalists when it came to such things."
"Those who have whole families and little knowledge of hardship often don't,"
he said standing.
He walked over towards me and held out a large and callused hand before me. I
stared at it for a moment in awe at its size, strength and all the calluses
that covered his work roughened skin before taking it and allowing him to help
me into a standing position. I hesitated when he looked at me, waiting for me
to let go of his hand. I hadn't wanted to. It seemed so safe with my hand in
his, as if it some how seemed, right.
I let go and wrapped both arms around myself in a comforting manner that I had
gotten used to. He reached out and stepped in front of me to open the door,
stopping with it only a quarter of the way open.
"My initials aren't on you; neither are Draco's or Lucius'. We feigned disgust
and said that you weren't worthy of them and because of what we said others in
our group did the same. You were spared from having Crabbe and Goyle's names
carved into your skin as well as a few others. Although that didn't stop
Beatrix as well you know."
"That's why I tensed up when Mrs. Weasley hugged me. I will find it unnerving
to hug any well endowed woman for years to come. I find comfort in the fact
that their names are on my body; I will know who to kill on the battlefield."
He nodded and opened the door fully allowing me to go ahead of him. We walked
down that hall and down the stairs, butterflies doing loops and summersaults in
my stomach. Upon reaching the kitchen I found an empty seat set with a cup of
tea and a small bowl of soup with a small plate that held a few pieces of corn
bread.
"Sit, dear. Eat and then tell us," said Mrs. Weasley as she took a seat next to
her husband who set aside his morning newspaper.
I sat and Severus took a seat a few chairs away. Draco and Lucius sat next to
each other sipping coffee feigning indifference while Hermione and Ron sat
there looking anxious. I lifted my cup of tea and took a few sips until it was
empty and Mrs. Weasley quickly stood up smiling brightly as she got the tea pot
and refilled it for me, even going as far as to add two sugar cubes and a bit
of lemon for me. I wouldn't and couldn't fault her for doing what mother's did.
She was the closest thing to a mother that I had had.
I lifted my cup and took a sip smiling at Mrs. Weasley and then thanking her. I
lifted the spoon next to my soup and dug in. Even with the butterflies in my
stomach I was ravenous. I ate half the bowl before I realized it was beef stew
and not an actual soup. It was delicious and I was hungry and it only made Mrs.
Weasley and the others smile when I asked for a second helping.
While she went to refill my bowl I satiated my hunger with a few pieces of corn
bread slathered in butter and honey, messy but delicious.
I had managed to eat another bowl of stew, a few more pieces of corn bread and
drank two more cups of tea before I was completely and utterly satiated. I sat
back in my chair and sighed happily. Food couldn't make you happy but it was
certainly a start.
"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley. That was delicious."
"That's the most I've ever seen you eat," said Ginny amazed.
I laughed, "That's days with an empty stomach. Now imagine if I had gone a week
like that. I bet I could out eat Ron."
"Not bloody likely," said Hermione with a smile.
I saw the smiles turn to eager looks of anticipation and I let my smile fade a
bit, "I'm afraid I have some rather interesting news."
"Oh, Harry..."
Hermione rushed over and gave me a big hug and I patted her arm affectionately
and awkwardly, trying my hardest not to show away from her touch like I had
Mrs. Weasley's.
"Do we know how far along," asked Remus who stood leaning against a far
counter.
"Madam Pomphrey said that the image we saw shows that I'm at least eight weeks
along."
"Do you know who the father is, or is there a way to find out," asked Mrs.
Weasley.
"There is...but I prefer not to know."
"Why," asked Ron who was chorused by a few others?
"Think about it," said Lucius.
"What do you mean," asked Ron.
"If my child happened to be fathered by Voldemort what would happen?"
"Oh Merlin," whispered Mrs. Weasley.
"Many would rally to have it killed before it was even born if news got out and
even if something that drastic didn't happen the child would grow up a social
misfit. His or her fame would come from a negative source and in a sense could
create another Voldemort because the child would grow to hate those in the
wizarding world," said Mr. Weasley.
"Oh, Harry. I'm sorry," Hermione sobbed into my neck.
"I'll be okay. Besides...the child could be anyone's. I'm kind of grateful for
that fact. It gives my child a chance. There's a 1/5 chance it's not his."
Draco looked pale as he turned to look at me, "You could be..."
"I know."
His father looked a tad bit concerned as well as he spoke, "You would have us
wonder?"
"I understand your situations but I will not put my child's life in danger
because you were too cowardly to oppose Voldemort. You and Draco put yourselves
into this situation. My only sin was being born a Potter and surviving death.
Even Severus' situation was different. He did some good. What good did your
joining the dark lord achieve? Your son's innocence, your wife's death, your
hiding like roach in some god forsaken house that belonged to your enemy? No,
don't preach to me. Your status and wealth have gotten you no where and that is
where you'll stay if you don't pull your head out of your ass."
"How dare you..."
"How dare I! How dare you! You want to stay in this safe haven then you'd
better get used to hearing what I have to say Lucius Malfoy. This is your own
fault. You all knew what I asked for back in that hell hole and you chose to
bring me back anyway. We both lost on that one."
I watched as he stood and stared down at me, anger and frustration making his
beautiful features horrid and ugly, "So we did, Potter so we did."
He stormed off out of the kitchen while Draco stared after him looking lost. He
stood and looked down at me with a sorrowful look so close to sympathy and need
that it hurt to see it.
"I'm sorry."
"I know. I don't blame you. You have no need to feel guilty. We were both
victims. Don't feel as though you should take responsibility."
He nodded and his eyes looked a tad watery as he turned away and left the room.
I felt Hermione unravel her arms from around me as she stood up and patted me
on the back. I felt a large warm hand on my shoulder and when I looked up I saw
that it was none other than Severus.
"This whole situation is like a tangled web and I don't think we're going to
find an end to it any time soon," said Remus.
Ron looked angry as he stared at Severus and so did Ginny but neither spoke. I
hoped that none of the three would receive any harsh treatment. If left in
their situation I doubt Ron or the others would have done something different.
They saw the easiest way out and they took it, who knew it would be a road just
as rocky as the other.
"So what will you do now," asked Ginny.
"I will carry this child to term and while I do I'll look into a way to find
the last horcrux and hopefully destroy Voldemort. After that I plan to take it
one day at a time."
"We'll be with you Harry, every step of the way," said Hermione and the others
nodded their agreement.
To Be Continued...
I went through and fixed a lot of grammatical mistakes as well as rewrote and
fixed some mistakes. I am now ready to start on the next chapter so please
continue reading and enjoy.
Kat
***** Don't Want Your Hand this Time *****
Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are
property of JKR and major companies.
Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and
please review!
The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence
Chapter 5: Don't Want Your Hand this Time
A month went by; a month with nausea and vomiting every morning, nausea most of
the day, deep aches and pains in areas most boys or men shouldn't have them.
Most would say mood swings as well but then again perhaps they don't want to
say so to my face or anywhere near me as a matter of fact.
Very few people in the house speak to me and since I have nothing but anger and
biting hatred for most everything and everyone around me at the moment it is
only appropriate for me to keep my mouth shut.
I stayed to myself and mostly kept to my room as the small parasitic like life
grew deep inside me. Severus seemed to hover close as if watching and waiting
for me to have another large break down. I expect that he would more than
likely try to stop others from being harmed if such a thing were to happen
perhaps for his own interests or perhaps our discussion last month; or was it a
psychotic shouting match that had ended with me in tears; had made some headway
in our less than friendly relationship and he was worried about me or for me.
Such an idea and general thinking are beyond me at this point. It feels like
everyone wants or needs me for something, even Madam Pomphrey's visits feel
needy and intrusive. She's always asking personal questions and touching me in
places that I wish didn't exist; I was beginning to form a "birth canal" which
made me some odd being stuck between male and female, a hermaphrodite if you
will.
Each touch built my anger more and more. She must have noticed because soon her
questions concerning me personally stopped and her touching lessened only a bit
with a warning that it was unavoidable the larger I became.
Today I had settled myself on the small bed-like couch in front of the window
and huddled my legs against my body with my arms wrapped around them while I
stared out the window, watching as the now fallen leaves swirled around the
ground in mini whirl pools of oranges, reds, yellows, browns and purples. It
almost resembled a dark gothic rainbow.
"Watching the leaves in the wind again," I heard the familiarly deep voice ask
from somewhere to my left.
"Yes."
"You can relate to them, can't you," he asked almost assuredly.
"Yes."
"Why," he asked as if urging me to use my voice. I wondered if he were forcing
me to answer just to make sure I could speak or perhaps to see if I were still
in my right mind or completely bonkers.
"They spend their lives attached to a tree and then are ripped away from it
cruelly by the wind which then tosses it here and there on what seems a whim
and the leaves follow or should I say are pulled along with no say. Kinda like
my life wouldn't you say?"
"I suppose, but there are some leaves that fly from the group and make their
own way," he said in a voice that dared me to prove him wrong.
I was sure he was provoking me, which he had a tendency to do as of late.
"Yes, but they often fall and are trampled on and then forgotten."
"Not always…"
His deep voice whispered through the room and with it a breeze which whipped my
long ebony hair wildly around my face. I turned to look at him only to have my
view obscured by a small whirlwind of multicolored leaves. They whirled in the
air above in front of me before changing direction and whirling around me
before finally landing atop me in various places.
"Some find a fonder place to land where those around them cherish them."
Before I could reply a brisk, "Goodbye Potter" was left in his shadows wake. I
played with a deep red leaf twirling it in-between my thumb and pointer finger;
wondering why had decided to give me in impromptu pep speech; if it was that. I
was beginning to think our conversations bordered on therapy sessions.
My nausea had calmed and almost vanished as Halloween descended on us and with
it gone I could focus more on what was happening to me and my body. I couldn't
decided whether this was a positive thing or not just yet.
Small things had changed, barely noticeable to most strangers who saw me but
very visible to those who see me almost daily.
My cheeks had filled out; plumping up just a bit, my hips had widened and a
slight swell was now developing in my midsection causing my once visible abs
and pecks to soften with the new coverage of fat. Under Mrs. Weasley's care I
shouldn't have to worry about being underweight. I sometimes feel like a pig
being fed for the slaughter when she sets my plate in front of me. I know she
means well.
My long hair which I have yet to cut looks better than it ever has which
supposedly has something to do with hormones. My chest has been sensitive and
apparently it often happens with wizards but its just part of the process for
most; it's 2/5 that can actually produce and lactate milk. I'm betting I'm one
of the 2/5.
I am an emotional wreck and because of that I try to not enter any
conversations. I go from elated to depressed in less than two seconds and from
excited to anxious even quicker. The whole situation seems surreal still but
it's hard to ignore all the signs.
Poppy showed up a today with grin once again in place as she asked if I was
ready for another exam. I disliked exams but found them a necessary evil. I
hadn't really had a chance to read up on pregnancy so every time Madam Pomphrey
stopped by for a check up I felt like I was taking lessons, absorbing as much
information as possible while trying to seem and act normal.
"Shall we have the exam in your room as usual," she asked loudly so that those
around us could hear.
She had asked me once or twice if I had wanted anyone to sit in on my check ups
and each time I had declined. I was betting she was hoping to create an
interest so that someone would volunteer and no matter how eager the members in
the household looked no one asked. I felt relieved at that but at the same time
slightly upset. Even if I did want someone with me, who was I supposed to
invite?
I sighed, "Let's get the basic uncomfortable prodding done and if there's
anything you can do that's not embarrassing then whoever wants to join us can
join us."
At that I watched multiple heads snap up and turn in our direction.
"Sounds like a plan to me Mr. Potter. Let's head upstairs," she said as she led
the way.
I followed behind and when we entered my room I stripped from the waist down
after she shut and locked the door and suffered through her usual exam of
checking my still forming birth canal and when she was done that I was allowed
to redress. I watched as she unlocked the door and opened it a crack letting
any who might be waiting outside that they could enter.
I wasn't surprised to see Remus and Hermione enter but I was surprised by
Severus' presence. I hid it by looking down and watched as Madam Pomphrey
measured my waist and took notes.
"Still gaining weight and size; very good."
She then patted my bed and had me lay back exposing my stomach. She pulled her
wand from her apron pocket and cast the same spell she had upon discovering my
pregnancy causing a floating image to appear above my belly.
I could once again see the little critter that resided within me, but that
little sea monkey had grown and changed in a few weeks. What I stared at now
resembled a very tiny almost formed person; reminded me of me after I had eaten
the Gilly Weed but in a simpler cartoonish version.
"It's gotten bigger," I said aloud. It was stupid comment but I couldn't think
of anything brighter to say.
"I have something else you might be interested in," she said and with another
swish of her wand more Latin was spoken and then a sound filled the room. It
was a deep whooshing or soft drumming sound. I watched the image above me and
it dawned on me what I was hearing.
"Is that…its heartbeat," asked Hermione.
"That it is, Miss. Granger," replied Madam Pomphrey with a small smile.
I watched the image and listened to its heartbeat and all of a sudden it felt
"real". There was another person growing inside of me and soon I would push it
into this world and this person would be dependant on me. This little
individual would grow and become another person and the thought that I would
help to make this child who she or he would be in the future was daunting and
frightening.
I closed my eyes and opened them just in time to watch the image dissipate
along with the heartbeats.
"All is developing well, be sure to keep eating all your meals and you should
keep on the right course. If you have anymore nausea please ask Severus for a
potion. He's here so you might as well make him feel useful. Same can be said
for pain relief potions, although I highly suggest the lowest dose possible and
the least potent."
With that she packed up her bag and turned to look at me once again, "I bid you
good day dear. Enjoy the Fall holidays and I'll send a book by owl so that you
can begin reading a bit more about what your body is going through, the school
is in shambles and I doubt we'll have much contact except for regular check ups
since I'll be visiting family in America."
I nodded and watched as she left the room leaving me with its current
inhabitants.
"So we've kind of avoided the subject on what's happened and is happening since
I was kidnapped…okay lets start at what happened after I left Hogwarts last
year," I said as I sat up and watched as Ron who had been hiding out in the
hall entered my room.
Remus took a seat on the bed across the room from mine and I watched as
Hermione and then Ron took seats on the same bed, Severus decided to remain
standing.
"A week after you were kidnapped the school was attacked. Professor Dumbledor
and the others fought long and hard and quite valiantly but it didn't take long
for the battle to wear on them, especially Professor Dumbledor. He had managed
to find two of the horcrux's and decided to put an end to them himself. His
body was much too weakened and he died on castle grounds," Remus said softly.
My breath caught and I closed my eyes. Why hadn't he waited? Had he feared I
wouldn't return? Had he seen something of the future?
"With his death the Order continued the battle but it was decided to pull back
and with our leaving the castle soon fell. They didn't stay long, it's rumored
that the castle was not nearly as helpful for them. It was rumored you had been
moved there and when formulated a plan to rescue you they moved," he said
looking at me with remorseful amber eyes.
"And moved, and moved, and moved…", said Ron.
"We went with them; the Order, a few times and every time we got close they
would scurry away like roaches," said Hermione.
"Every time we got information on your whereabouts they would leave again and
that was when we suspected that our spies were soon to be discovered," said
Remus looking unconsciously in Snapes direction.
"The Dark Lord had been very careful who he let near his 'prize' and the
parties stopped. He had figured out it was me and the Malfoy's by our lack of
appearances and when we found you unattended we took our chances," responded
Severus.
"Why kept you from acting before," asked Hermione.
"At the time Lucius' wife Narcissa was still alive and in the Dark Lord's good
favor but that changed as she spoke up in defense of Draco more and more. He
had her 'punished' and at a meeting in front of everyone he used the killing
curse," said Severus with an expression that said he had recalled the incident.
"I had been blood oathed to make sure Draco came out of this alive by Narcissa
and we couldn't up and go with her still in their clutches. If there is one
thing he is good at, it is using others to his advantage and Narcissa had
become Draco's weakness and even she knew it. I believe that is why she made
herself a target. I believe she provoked his wrath in the hopes that her death
would free her son and husband," he looked up at me when he finished.
His words sent a shiver down my spine. I placed my hand on my slightly swollen
belly and realized what he had said, "If he knows that I'm expecting then he
would use the child against me."
"Exactly," he said.
I looked down at the floor, "Then we'll just have to make sure that he doesn't
find out."
To Be Continued…..
Sorry it took so…long. I went through and fixed as much as I could on the
beginning chapters and hopefully from here on out the story should begin to
read better. Please continue reading and enjoy.
Kat
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