Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5232482.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      The_Last_of_Us
  Relationship:
      Ellie/Joel_(The_Last_of_Us)
  Additional Tags:
      Smut, Roughness, Twisted, Angst, First_Time
  Series:
      Part 2 of The_First_Time
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-11-17 Words: 3033
****** Fuel for a Monster ******
by ThyDeviousViolet
Summary
     Ellie's influence on Joel has an unintended effect, and he's
     miserable. (Based on the concept of Joel choosing to embrace the age
     difference between them, instead of avoiding it)
Notes
     I don't even know how this came about. I'm going to have to make a
     collection of these first time stories I guess. I was listening to
     Hozier's "Take Me to Church" (I'll analyze this further in the end
     notes) and somehow realized that it applied to Joel and Ellie.
     This is a little dark, I guess, and out of my comfort zone. It ends
     well, as always, but the journey here is a bit more difficult. I
     assume this could be received poorly. But, I've never read anything
     that addresses this, and I think it should be...?
See the end of the work for more notes
It was happening again. It was the third time this week, and they had only been
in Jackson a month.
Some sort of dark, twisted feeling bubbled inside him. In bed, he glanced over
to see Ellie asleep.
Whenever this happened, it confirmed to him that he was indeed a monster. A
monster that had somehow protected an object of innocence. Whenever she
beckoned, he would come, willing and ready to slay anything in their path,
regardless of the consequence. A team of Fireflies had learned, not so long
ago, that innocent lives meant nothing if it meant putting her at risk. 
Joel had hoped it would instill some sense of redemption in his hardened soul.
Perhaps, though selfish, the fact that he had saved her would provide some
peace of mind. A moral duty had been preserved, and the hardest part of his job
was over.
Now, they could live here happily.
Yet, that much bloodshed...that much psychological toll...made it impossible.
Something had happened to him, through their journey, that was irreversible. On
more than one occasion, it had become evident to him that he had grown more
bestial in his willingness to slay anything in their way. Long ago, he used to
mind unnecessary death. Now, however, he knew he was more sadistic than he'd
ever been, and what bothered him most, was that it felt good. There were times
when he felt himself think of the end of their journey, the most violent parts,
and he recalled a feeling of odd satisfaction.
He missed it. But, what did that mean for his future? It's not like he could
start taking victims in Jackson. 
Ellie had ignited something within him that could not be quenched by "settling
down". 
The object of innocence was fuel for the monster inside him.
Now, however, as there was no violent release readily available for this
frustration, his thirst had taken a perverse turn. It had happened accidentally
one night, when he'd woken up next to her with her supple bottom pressed
against his groin...
Though his initial instinct was repulsion, he realized it felt good...well,
more than good. What made him more confused, was that he had been turned on by
his initial repulsion. There she was, much too young and too pretty, but she
would be willing if he initiated. Joel knew that much...he had caught her gaze
on more than one occasion and knew very well that lust was in her eyes.
After all, it's not like he didn't love the damn girl, and he was sure she
loved him too. To throw sexuality into the mix only meant that things could get
better, but at her age? Joel had never been attracted to this sort of thing
before, and the idea would have sickened him in his old world, but here...with
the monster inside, it aroused him beyond his control. It was wrong, and it was
dirty, and he found himself consumed by the idea. It wasn't like it happened
every time he saw a teenage girl, but it definitely happened when he saw Ellie.
All this close contact, and the idea of a forbidden romance, with him having
the burden of a heavy secret, gave him a conflict to focus on. It was
even...exciting. Did Joel yearn for conflict? Hadn't that been the basis of
their relationship? For them to just live their lives here like some stupid
fairy-tale made little to no sense, and he knew he did not want that to happen.
It was bland.
What would it be like...teaching her how to please him? To have his way with
her soaking wet, as virgins were? There was some fascination he held with her
nubile body...taut little buds for breasts...almost boyish with no curves, and
slender little legs. Why did he have such a strong desire to ravage her
innocence? 
Maybe a few months ago, he would have become nauseated by the idea. But, here
and now, he could not have been more turned on. The first night he had noticed
it happen, he had pleasured himself with her asleep next to him, and felt no
shame. A wicked grin had even spread on his face when he finished, as though he
were some Jekyll and Hyde depending on his mental state. Though, lately, with
no effective release...he admitted it was mostly Hyde that held control. The
cool-headed Dr. Jekyll had taken a leave of absence, maybe never to return.
After all, Joel enjoyed the wild sense of breathlessness he received from the
whole idea. His head buzzed out of control, and a warm sensation throbbed
though his being. The rest of that night had been spent with his hands hovered
over her, wondering how it would feel, fantasizing every dirty thing he'd ever
wanted to do to a woman. Just...in this case, it was a girl. Only the next
morning did he experience a burst of reality and feel regret, but even that had
been short-lived.
Why had she caused this inside him?
Ellie had always accepted him as he was, having seen most of his bad before any
of his good, if any of that even existed anymore. Why should she not in turn
accept all of him, so he could worship her in the way she deserved? Joel knew
he could face rejection if he acted on his desire, and if it were to come to
that, things would be broken beyond repair. Yet, the need was too strong to
ignore...
Tess had accused him long ago of being attracted to weakness in a woman. Joel
was sensitive and guarded, but he only showed that once the initial aggression
inside him was overcome. After someone got that far with him (only Tess and
Ellie had done that), it caused his aggression to go latent...hiding there in
the shadows, waiting to strike. Perhaps it was his testosterone in control,
wanting to dominate something after he had provided so much love and care.
Almost as a gift  ready to be exchanged for long-term suffering and hardship.
Almost like had waited patiently long enough as a guardian should, but that
version of Joel was long gone, and the time was soon to be upon them.
Or, perhaps, it was a symptom of the fucked-up world they lived in. Maybe that
made it more permissible to want her, but as he reasoned, Joel realized that he
did not want it to be permissible. The monster inside him craved perversion and
horror! The monster needed to be released!
What would Sarah think?
With an immediate twinge of pain, Joel quickly got out of bed. The sudden
return of Dr. Jekyll made his stomach sour at his previous thoughts. In a
whirlwind, he flew down the steps to the kitchen, and stood perched at the
sink. It was times like these that he was ever grateful for running water. The
cool liquid that splashed in his face cooled the heat on his cheeks and neck.
How had he let it come to this? Using only Sarah's memory as a conscience was
awful-
"-Joel, what are you doing?" Ellie mumbled drowsily from the steps.
No...not now...not-
The monster growled and came to life by her mere presence alone, and drowned
out any sense of right and wrong. After all, that was the way he liked things,
nowadays.  
With his back to her, he felt himself shudder, and gripped the sink.
"I, uh...feelin' a little off...is all," he grumbled, lust making his voice
husky (not that she would notice) and then gritted his teeth. Was his vision
blurring? How had the need become this bad? 
"Are you sick?" she called with more alertness in her voice, and he heard her
footsteps get closer.  
"Go back to sleep," he demanded roughly.
"Not a chance-" she began, and placed her hand to his shoulder.
Before she could finish, he had whipped around quickly as though he had been
burned, and gripped his hands to her arms. With his eyes black, he glared at
her from under his lashes without any will to hold back, and she was very
evidently frightened by his behavior. 
"Go back...to sleep, Ellie."
Joel's voice trembled, but it did not sound like his own.
"You're scaring me..." she whispered, though it was only because it was such
unusual behavior.
Joel audibly choked in the back of his throat, hands still gripped to sides of
her arms, before he slowly got down on his knees to meet her level. 
"Kid, I'm warning you..." he taunted dangerously, eyes glued to hers, and
pulled her close. 
Ellie glared into him for a while, until her eyes moved further down, and she
saw his erection. 
"Joel..." she acknowledged, with confusion evident. 
"Ellie... please, I'm tryin' my hardest," he choked with fury. Here he was,
giving her a chance to run away, and she continued to ignore his efforts.
"...You...?" she questioned with some notion of his agony, though still mainly
confused. 
"I wanna fuck you senseless!" he almost yelled, through gritted teeth.
"I...I want you too...I just..." she said, a small smile of fascination almost
spread across her face. 
"Do you want me to do it? That's all I need," he admitted quickly, and pressed
his head into her midsection. 
 "Joel I think-"
"-Do you... want me... to do it!" he interrupted with a yell, visibly shaking
at this point.
There was something in her spirit that deeply intoxicated him, and made him
into a trembling heap of want and confusion on the kitchen floor. Even Hyde
wouldn't continue without consent, but the wait was killing him every second.
The curiosity was evident in her eyes, and he noticed her lips part slightly,
before she placed her hand against his cheek. It was like she understood, based
on his urge and warning, that whatever was coming was a side that she had never
seen of him. It was oddly frightening to see him like this, but she realized
that it turned her on as well...to see him as a threat made her skin tingle and
had her on edge.
As though he read her mind, Joel gulped to himself.
What a fucked up pair we make.
"I trust you," she merely whispered, and then Joel's world went red. 
On cue, he picked her up swiftly and threw her on top of the kitchen island.
Joel had his clothes off quickly, as well as her jeans, but struggled with her
shirt. It took a bit too long for him, and before she could offer to do it
herself, he literally ripped the thin threads from her body. A side glance was
thrown to the floor, as she regrettably mourned the loss of her shirt, but was
snapped out of it when Joel growled.
"Leave it; I need you to focus, god dammit," he grunted the threat in her ear.
The smallest part of her wrists were suddenly grabbed by him, and he held them
above her head, with one hand, before he began to nip at her neck and lips. A
slew of vulgar comments and moans emitted from him, and overwhelmed her to an
extent, but she had never felt more attached and aroused by him before this
point.
After all, he had been her protector, and so this dominant act against her
seemed like a natural extension of their previous relationship. Somehow, this
felt wrong to admit in any other regard, but here and now with him pressed hard
against her, doing things to her that she'd never experienced, just felt right.
With his other hand, he began to squeeze her nipples, and she nearly squealed
from the pressure. It...hurt...but, the release afterwards made her head spin.
Joel released a grunt of satisfaction when he saw her face twisted in some sick
mixture of pain and pleasure.
Finally, his mouth met hers wildly, and he began to suck and bite her lips in a
rhythm that paired with his fingers on her breasts. At some point, he stopped
holding her hands above her head, and forced her off the island, before he took
her spot and sat down. With his legs open, he forced one of her hands onto his
erection, before he began to kiss her again. She struggled to find a rhythm to
stroke him, and so he eventually took her hand in his to guide her. Once she
got it down pat, Joel grinned wickedly.
"Uhh, there you go, dirty little girl..." he said through gritted teeth. 
Once it seemed he'd had enough, he somehow guided her to the floor, and placed
himself behind her. 
"Arch your back," he growled, and she did as she was told. 
"Joel...keep telling me what to do..." she begged breathlessly, and he filled
with pleasure.
With his hand at the base of her neck from behind, he took the other one and
began to tease her clit. Under him, her body writhed from the contact, and he
could hear her breathing increase its pace. 
"So fuckin' wet for me, girl," he called from behind, and she released a
shrilly vocalization in response. The taunting continued for a few minutes, and
his speed increased.
"I...uh...I want you inside..." she finally called, after she felt her
sensations become overwhelming. 
"Say my name," he demanded.
"Joel, I want you inside!" she yelled in agitation. 
Without a warning, he forcefully placed his hand against her stomach and went
inside her from behind. Then, in response to her sudden grimace and sharp
breath as he had ripped through her, slapped his hand against her ass. It was
hard enough to receive another squeal in response, and he watched her ivory
skin go red. 
"Next time you tell me what to do, I'm spankin' that tight little ass a' yours
again. We clear?" he mumbled strictly, out of breath from the force of their
bodies together.
"Okay...okay..." she agreed, though she had enjoyed more than he understood.  
The moments passed very slowly, though their speed only increased.
"God damn Ellie, you're so fuckin' tight," he said, voice like velvet.
"Yes...yes..." she began to mumble almost incoherently. 
"You gettin' lightheaded and dizzy?" he asked.
"Uh...yeah..." she admitted.
"Good baby, good..." he praised, and stroked her hair lovingly for a moment,
before he began to tug at it from the base of his palm. 
When their panting seemed to match in volume and speed, he suddenly pulled out
from behind her. Ellie looked over her shoulder slowly, and before she knew
what was happening, he pulled her to her feet. Once she could support her own
weight again, he picked her up, held her against the wall, and entered her
again face to face.
"I wanna see you when you come for the first time," he mumbled into her ear
softly, and it almost sent her over the edge. Ellie's toes curled against his
back, and Joel began to dig his fingernails into her back from excitement and
arousal as they moved together.  
"You want more?" he finally asked her, the heat from his mouth tickled the
inside of her ear.
"More please...and harder...please," she said, head against the wall. 
Joel obeyed, though not for long. After a grunt from her with her eyes squeezed
shut, he soon felt her spasm around him from the inside, before her liquid
began to run down his leg. 
"Ahh, god damn, Ellie..." he remarked, before he lay her down on the tile
softly. 
She stayed there, not moving, as she noticed Joel stoke himself on top of her.
In fascination she watched, before suddenly he winced, and then a white stream
oozed from him onto her stomach. Without experience, she almost jumped, but
Joel had not noticed, as he had collapsed on top of her.
The silence between them gave Joel a moment of clarity as he cleared his head.
Hyde was gone for now, at least, but the somber Dr.Jekyll had made a guilty
return. Ellie held a small smile on her face, but it fell as she noticed Joel's
increased discomfort. Soon he crawled off of her, unable to make eye contact;
the expression on his face was made only of regret, and she felt herself panic.
"Joel..." she called.
"I...I shouldn't a' done that, Ellie..." he finally stated. She stared at him,
trying to understand why he suddenly reverted back to his old self, but she
could not read his expression. 
"Don't...don't do this. You don't get to fuck me and then pretend like it
didn't happen!" she accused, anger evident, but the tears in her eyes betrayed
her act. 
"Baby don't...don't cry. I loved every second of it, but it ain't right," he
admitted, and got down to her level on the floor again.
"It's too late for that!" she yelled, furiously wiping her tears away.
"I...I wanted that for a long time. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you.
I'm sorry," he mumbled, deep in thought.
"Please don't be sorry. How...how long?" she asked, somehow understanding the
weight of his action. 
"Too long," he scoffed.
"If it makes you feel better, my hormones have totally been raging for you the
whole time," she remarked sadly, and he actually laughed.
"I know...I'm not upset that you're young...I'm upset that I wanted you because
you were young. Do you understand?" he questioned softly, and she nodded after
a moment.
"I guess. I don't know, to be honest," she admitted with a shrug.
"I wanted to take advantage of you! I was angry...I had my way with you,
knowing it was wrong..." he expanded, tears almost brimmed in his eyes.
After a long moment of silence, she looked to him.
"Okay...?" she suggested, and he sighed.
"...Okay," he nodded.
A sense of calm, that he had not experienced in years, overwhelmed him.
Maybe Joel had been wrong all along.
Maybe he had triumphed the villainous Hyde through Ellie...instead of it being
the other way around.
End Notes
     "Take Me to Church" has so many lyrics about a sufferer's love and
     codependency that I could not help but assume it could be applied to
     these two. There is admittance to being a sinner, and how sex can
     forge a bond between two people that isn't easily understood.
     (All of this is from my perspective, by the way, it's not fact in
     their universe. Just helps you to understand where I was mentally
     when I wrote this)
     -"I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies": Ellie knows
     that he's lied, though she willingly chooses to ignore it for the
     time being because she does not want to risk their own happiness.
     -"I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that
     deathless death": Ellie's seen all of Joel's bad qualities, even
     though he thinks he's a terrible person, but she knows him to be more
     human than he thinks. Ellie could have left him in ruin, but she
     chose to stay. The deathless death is him eventually coming to love
     her...the old Joel dies, and the new one is reborn, capable of more
     love.
     -"Only then I am human, only then I am clean": Ellie is Joel's only
     redeemable quality that makes him feel human (or so he thinks)
     Maybe I'm just catching too many feels, and I looked too deeply into
     it all. Who knows.
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