Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/361738. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Underage Category: Multi Fandom: Homestuck Relationship: Karkat_Vantas/Karkat_Vantas, Rose_Lalonde/Kanaya_Maryam, Gamzee_Makara_& Karkat_Vantas, Terezi_Pyrope_&_Dave_Strider, Dave_Strider/Karkat_Vantas Character: Karkat_Vantas, Gamzee_Makara, Rose_Lalonde, Kanaya_Maryam, Dave_Strider, Terezi_Pyrope Additional Tags: Self-cest, Masturbation, Cybersex, Black_Romance, Humor, Bisexuality, Xeno Stats: Published: 2012-03-13 Updated: 2012-04-08 Chapters: 7/8 Words: 12639 ****** Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory, Concupiscent Frustration Edition ****** by makingtriangles_(electricbloo) Summary Otherwise known as, "How Karkat Vantas Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Himself" It's only been a little over half a sweep since the beginning of the meteor's seemingly never ending journey through phases of extreme boredom and extreme insanity. Meanwhile, Karkat Vantas is, annoyingly enough, going through his own adolescent phases of extreme horniness, and there's no one around who will help to alleviate them. No one except his own past and future selves, anyway. ***** It's Going to Happen A Lot ***** CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION. CCG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BE PUTTING THIS OUT THERE IN THE OPEN, WHERE ANY ASSHOLE ME FROM THE FUTURE CAN JUST WALTZ IN AND MOCK ME THOROUGHLY AND INTIMATELY. CCG: I JUST CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH SOMEBODY. CCG: IS BEING SIX AND A HALF LIKE THIS FOR EVERYONE? CCG: I CAN BARELY STAND ANYONE ON THIS METEOR AND YET THE LONGER I HAVE TO SPEND WITH THEM THE MORE...UGH. ATTRACTIVE, THEY ALL START SEEMING. CCG: I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING THAT. SEEING THAT PHRASE IN MY OWN FUCKING PERSONAL TEXT IS MAKING MY STOMACH WANT TO CRAWL UP MY OWN PROTEIN CHUTE. CCG: PLEASE EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO GO BLAST OFF IN ORDER TO INCINERATE MYSELF IN THE GREEN SUN, POWERED FULLY BY THE FORCE OF MY OWN PROJECTILE VOMITING. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3172:36 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: OH SHIT, YES. *THIS* CONVERSATION. HAHAHA WOW. CCG: OH MY GOD, FUCK YOU. FCG: YOU SAY THAT NOW, BUT HISTORY WILL BEG TO DIFFER. FCG: ...OR MAYBE NOT. d:B CCG: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I JUST NEED TO TALK THIS OUT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU EXCEPT A SERIES OF WELL-PLACED “YEAH”S AND “I CAN SEE THAT”S AND “I’M SO SORRY, YOUR DISCOMFORT MUST BE TERRIBLE”S. CCG: I’M SURE THERE ARE A BILLION AND ONE REASONS THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE *THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER* LATER ON CCG: BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOUR FLIPPANT, SELF-INDULGENT SMUGNESS ANY LESS ANNOYING AS ALL FUCK. FCG: I’M SO SORRY, YOUR DISCOMFORT MUST BE TERRIBLE. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo. CCG unbanned FCG from responding to memo. CCG: I’M SORRY, LOOK, I’M JUST FEELING REALLY TOUCHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS. FCG: JUST SAY WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO SAY AND LET’S GET ON WITH IT ALREADY. CCG: RUDE. CCG: WELL. IT’S JUST THAT I’M FEELING LESS THAN OPTIMISTIC ABOUT MY CHANCES FOR MATESPRITSHIP OR KISMESSITUDE. CCG: I MEAN, FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT TEREZI WAS FLUSHED FOR ME. CCG: BUT IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE SHE’S BEEN “UP IN MY GRILL,” TO QUOTE STRIDER ON THE SUBJECT. CCG: UGH AND STRIDER. I THOUGHT I HAD CALIGINOUS LEANINGS TOWARD HIM FOR A WHILE THERE, BUT WE BOTH KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I MAKE ROMANTIC OVERTURES TOWARD HUMAN MALES SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER? CCG: IT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE A PROBLEM FOR HUMAN FEMALES, HOWEVER, SINCE ROSE AND KANAYA ARE DEFINITELY UP IN EACH OTHERS’ GRILLS AS MUCH AS ONE CAN POSSIBLY BE UP INSIDE A GRILL, I THINK. CCG: AND SINCE HUMANS ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT I THINK THAT MEANS ROSE AND KANAYA BOTH ARE OFF LIMITS? CCG: NOT THAT I REALLY...IT’S STUPID BUT I GUESS I HAD THIS IDEA THAT KANAYA AND I WERE SORT OF DESTINED TO BE ASHEN FOR EACH OTHER, BUT NOW I’M NOT SO SURE THAT’LL EVER HAPPEN. CCG: THE ONLY ONE LEFT, THEN, IS MY MOIRAIL, WHO I’M SO PALE FOR IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC WAY IMAGINABLE SO OF COURSE THE IDEA OF PAILING HIM IS COMPLETELY INCONCEIVABLE AND A LITTLE NAUSEATING. CCG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT EVERYONE WE SEE IN THE DREAM BUBBLES. CCG: THAT IS A LEVEL OF CREEPY I AM UNWILLING TO EVEN BEGIN TO CONSIDER. FCG: I HEAR YOU. CCG: I’M JUST FEELING PRETTY FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW, IS ALL. FCG: FROM WHERE I’M SITTING, THAT IS A FEELING THAT HAS NOT EXACTLY BEEN RESOLVED. FCG: SORRY FOR THE CASUAL SPOILERS. CCG: FFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK FCG: NOT RESOLVED, AT LEAST, AS FAR AS THE *OTHERS* ARE CONCERNED. CCG: WHAT? CCG: WHAT ARE YOU...NO. CCG: NO. OH NO. CCG: YOU HAVE *GOT* TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. CCG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT I DON’T ACTUALLY BECOME SO PATHETIC THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO INITIATE SOME SORT OF DEPRAVED DOUBLE REACHAROUND SELF-FELLATING SESSION WHERE I MANIPULATE MY OWN GENITALIA TO THE SIGHT OF MY OWN DISGUSTING CHERRY-RED TEXT? CCG: PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF A JOKE. CCG: HAHA, YOU GOT ME, IT’S ALL VERY FUNNY, LET’S LAUGH AT IDIOTIC, GULLIBLE PAST KARKAT, IT’S HILARIOUS HOW EASILY HE’LL FALL FOR THIS SHIT. FCG: I’M NOT JOKING. FCG: I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE, SO I HAVE INDISPUTABLE KNOWLEDGE OF THE FACT THAT YOU’VE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME THAT COULD VERY EASILY BE DESCRIBED AS BLACK. FCG: I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE IT. FCG: I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU COME SO HARD YOU’LL HATE YOURSELF AFTERWARDS. FCG: I ALSO KNOW HOW THIS ENDS, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO THE IDEA OF SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME DIRTY-TALKING TO YOURSELF. FCG: BECAUSE THIS IS A THING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. FCG: IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A LOT. CCG: OH CCG: MY CCG: GOD. CCG banned FCG from responding to memo. ***** Terezi ***** Chapter Notes This is what I get for setting a fic only months after the most recent update as of, um, yesterday? So I apologize in advance for any of the inevitable divergences from canon. Consider this to be an AU from this point on. Also, hermaphroditic trolls are the only trolls that I write. Now and forever! °u° Karkat slammed his husktop shut and gave it a violent shove. He watched, seething, it as it slid across the floor, rapidly losing speed, until it barely, anticlimactically, tapped the wall. Fucking Future Karkat. The most infuriating thing about Future Karkat was how little Karkat could ever understand about him. Even after more than half a sweep, even after Karkat became countless past Future Karkats, if that even made the tiniest scrap of sense, it was like that fucking little shit was constantly doing a mocking little dance up ahead of him, making rude gestures, sometimes outright undoing his pants and mooning him, for crying out loud. Future Karkat was minutes, hours, days, perigees, sweeps ahead of him, doing and saying things that Karkat would never do or say. The worst part was that, of course, every single bulgebusting time, Karkat would end up doing and saying those things. He would never be able to figure out why, though, until the very moment that he was actually doing or saying them, and that drove him straight up the wall. Talking to his future self always ended up becoming some sort of horrible self-fulfilling ouroboros of self-hatred and rage. And yet he kept coming back for more. Karkat pushed himself to his feet and stomped out his respiteblock, slamming the door behind him so hard that he heard that one shelf fall off the wall again, sending most of his movie collection raining down all over the floor. Again. Fucking great. Fucking wonderful. Karkat just left that as an unwelcome present for his future self and stormed off down the hallway, hands shoved in his pockets. He’d been mostly joking back when he’d said those things about his future self being his kismesis, hadn’t he? It was ridiculous to think that he could even begin to have any kind of functional relationship with, for fuck’s sake, himself from the future. That would be completely absurd. “What’s got you so cranky, babe?” Strider deadpanned as Karkat finally slouched into the room that Strider and Lalonde both had come to refer to as “the family room,” whatever the shit that meant. Karkat would probably have hit Dave in the face right then if that fucker hadn’t had a lapful of snickering Terezi. He narrowed his eyes at them. Who even acts that obnoxiously pale out in public where everyone can see them? Karkat thought he and Gamzee were probably pretty obnoxious, but at least they had the decency to do their most intense cuddling in private. Karkat knew Strider and Pyrope were going to end up giving him a constant, pounding headache the instant he’d heard that the two of them had officially become moirails. According to Strider, they were “best bros”. The amount that Karkat hated that blond sack of assholes could not possibly be expressed even by screaming and screaming and screaming for the rest of his miserable...nnngh. Dave had his hands on Terezi’s waist. Terezi didn’t have very much of a waist; she was stick thin and almost as linear. But the feeling of her middle, how it dipped in, just a little, was practically embedded now in Karkat’s hands, from those early days on the meteor when he’d look at her and everything would come up hearts. Karkat gritted his teeth, spun on his heel, and stomped off back down the hallway. CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION. CCG: ALL RIGHT, YOU, YOU GLOBELICKING, NOOKSUCKING SHITHEAD, ANSWER ME. CCG: WE’RE DOING THIS. CCG: AS MUCH AS I HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN LETTING THE IDEA SINK ITS DISGUSTING, PARASITIC LITTLE CLAWS INTO THE STUPIDEST PART OF MY THINKPAN, YOU WERE RIGHT. CCG: GO AHEAD, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF, PAT YOURSELF ON THE FUCKING BACK, GIVE YOUR OWN BULGE A HUUUUUGE SUCK. FINE, FINE! I ADMIT IT! HERE I AM, CHOKING DOWN A STEAMING, HEAPING PORTION OF MY OWN WORDS. CCG: HISTORY HAS APPARENTLY REACHED A TURNING POINT AS OF TWENTY MINUTES AGO, WHEREIN MY THINKPAN BEGINS A SLOW, STEADY DETERIORATION AND WILL SOON START TO OOZE SLOWLY OUT OF MY AURAL CANALS, DRAGGING WITH IT ANY SEMBLANCE OF MENTAL CAPACITY AND COMMON SENSE. CCG: THERE IT GOES. I CAN FEEL SEGMENTS OF MY CRANIAL NODES JUST. SHUTTING. DOWN. CCG: FUCKING ANSWER ME, YOU BULGESNIFFING PIECE OF SHIT. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 336:08 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: OH, SHIT YES. I NEED THIS SO BADLY RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. CCG: FUCKING FINALLY. FCG: WAIT A SECOND. FCG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE DO THIS, ISN’T IT? FCG: SHIT, NO. FUCK THAT. FCG banned himself from responding to memo. CCG: ASKDGHKSFGJHFDS GET BACK HERE! CCG: HOW THE FUCK DO I MANAGE TO BECOME THIS MUCH MORE OF AN INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE?!? CCG: I HOPE YOU SUFFOCATE TO DEATH WITH YOUR FACE BURIED IN YOUR OWN NOOK!!!!! FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 497:56 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: ALRIGHT, LET'S GO. CCG: OH, WONDERFUL, ARE YOU HERE TO TAKE MY CHAT CLIENT SEXYTIME VIRGINITY? CCG: WILL IT BE YOU THAT TAKES MY BLUSHING FACE BETWEEN YOUR EXPERIENCED HANDS AND TELLS ME TO RELAX, YOU’LL MAKE IT FEEL SOOOO GOOOOD? CCG: I HOPE SOMEONE PISSES ON YOUR POST-RESPITE FEEDING TRAY. CCG: I HOPE IT’S STRIDER. FCG: YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE A TROLL FEEL APPRECIATED. FCG: BUT YEAH. SURE. WHY NOT? I NEED A GOOD LAUGH. CCG: I’M TAKING SOME DEEP BREATHS. I’M CALMING MYSELF DOWN. SEE? I’M NOT TAKING THE BAIT. I CAN BE CIVIL IF I WANT. FCG: GOOD FOR YOU, WHATEVER. FCG: LET’S JUST DO THIS ALREADY. CCG: OK. FCG: WELL? CCG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, JERKWAD!! FCG: UGH. FINE. TALK ABOUT WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. MAYBE WE CAN START WITH THAT. CCG: STRIDER HAD HIS HANDS ON TEREZI’S WAIST. FCG: OH RIGHT. CCG: SHE’S JUST TOO FUCKING HOT. WHAT THE HELL?? SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE ASSEMBLED A BIG MESS OF KNIVES AND BROKEN GLASS INTO A VAGUELY TROLLISH SHAPE. CCG: BUT SOMEHOW, SHE’S JUST...HOT. FCG: AND...WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT THAT? CCG: I DON’T KNOW! THEY’RE ALL JUST KIND OF, VAGUE, MY FEELINGS, I MEAN. FCG: JEGUS FUCK. UN-VAGUE THEM, THEN. I DON’T HAVE ALL NIGHT. CCG: OH, LOOK AT THAT, ASSFACE, MY FEELINGS SEEM TO BE FORMING PRETTY COHESIVELY INTO THE DESIRE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING BULGE. FCG: OH YEAH? LIKE YOU EVEN COULD. I’D JUST SIDESTEP YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE ATTEMPT AND HIT YOU RIGHT IN THE MOUTH. CCG: NOT IF I RAMMED MY FOREHEAD INTO YOUR NOSE FIRST. FCG: HAHA, YEAH RIGHT. YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM SLAMMING YOU UP AGAINST THE WALL OF YOUR RESPITEBLOCK. YOU’D HAVE THE BREATH KNOCKED OUT OF YOU, AND I’D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR MOMENTARY WEAKNESS TO SINK MY TEETH INTO YOUR SHOULDER. CCG: OH MY GOD. FCG: YOU'D TRY TO STRUGGLE, BUT IT WOULDN'T BE ANY USE. I'D JUST GRAB BOTH OF YOUR WRISTS AND HOLD THEM AGAINST THE WALL. Karkat desperately fumbled with his fly, his breath coming in embarrassingly high little gasps as he was finally able to wrap a hand around his bulge. He let himself fall backwards onto the floor, pushing at his pants until they were tangled around his feet. He was ridiculously wet, and hatred burned in his veins as he pushed two fingers up into himself, burned hotter and hotter until he was a complete mess, shaking, arching up off the floor, and he was barely able to grab the bucket out of his sylladex before he was coming into it, stupidly hard. A few minutes passed, and Karkat was finally able to move, flexing his sticky fingers with distaste. His Trollian window was flashing. FCG: HAHAHA. FCG: HAVE A GOOD TIME, YOU SICK FUCK. FCG banned himself from responding to memo. Karkat thought he showed remarkable restraint. This time he didn’t yell loud enough for anyone else to hear. ***** Rose ***** The worst part about all of that...stuff, that happened, was that it did actually make Karkat feel better. In fact, it made him pretty disturbingly chill for a few days. He was feeling so laid back that he and Gamzee spent almost a whole night locked in Gamzee’s room, lying in the horn pile and just...looking into each others’ eyes and running their fingers through each others’ hair. It was the very pinnacle of romantic and beautiful and everyone can just fuck off. Karkat’s internal peace was starting to wear off around the third night, though, and by the fifth he was about to chew his own arm off rather than admit that he wanted so badly to open a memo with his future self and do That again. If no external catalyst for horniness had caused his sudden but inevitable downfall, he might have been able to go at least another three or four days. But no. "Would you mind giving this to Rose? She seems to have dropped it in the hallway." Kanaya was leaning out the door of her workblock, offering one of her rainbow-drinker novels to him with one hand, wielding scissors with the other. Karkat rolled his eyes and took the book from her. Kanaya and Rose had this thing that had been going on for way too long where they were each trying to get the other to read their favorite awful novels through passive aggression and subtle trickery. "Thank you. She is up on the roof, I believe." Karkat grumbled a response and trudged toward the stairs. This place had a fuck of a lot of stairs. Who the fuck designs a building with this many useless sets of stairs? It turned out that Rose was, indeed, on the roof. It was also excruciatingly bright. Karkat yelped, wincing, clapping a hand over his eyes. "What the shit are you doing up here?" "My apologies," said Rose, and the light dimmed. "I am bathing myself in ultraviolet rays." Karkat risked opening his eyes, and nearly dropped the novel. Rose was lying on some strange, long, plastic chair, a large light, now thankfully dimmed, hanging from a stand that arced over her head. She had an open paperback in one hand, sunglasses perched on her nose, and pretty much what amounted to hardly any clothes on at all. "That...didn't really answer my question," Karkat managed to get out. Her strange human mammary glands were only covered by two triangles of black fabric, tied together in the middle, and there was something really, really appealing and, kind of, intriguing, about the soft, rounded sort of, valley, where they were pressed together. "Humans require that ultraviolet radiation come into contact with our skin. On Earth it was supplied by our Sun, but, luckily, it can also be artificially generated.” Rose took a sip of orange liquid from a martini glass that had been sitting at the table near her elbow. “Otherwise, we begin to suffer from vitamin deficiencies and depression. This activity is customary." "Customary," you repeat, with a sort of weak skepticism, transfixed by the deep curve of her waist and the extremely soft-looking bump of her lower stomach, just underneath that weird, deep indentation Dave had said was a vestigial organ that early humans would shoot acid out of. The space between her legs was also covered by a triangle of black fabric, which Karkat assumed was mirrored in the back, the two pieces tied together by thin strings on either side. Her thighs also looked, really. Really. Soft. “Did you need something?” Rose asked, finally, a humiliating lilt of amusement in her voice, and Karkat stumbled forward, holding out the novel, face flushing a horrifying red. “It’s...just, Kanaya, trying to get you to read her trashy romances.” Rose took the book and set it on the table next to her glass. “I see.” One side of her mouth was quirked upward in a smirk and Karkat was internally screaming at himself to not be such a fucking moron but it really wasn’t doing any good. “Do you require anything else?” “N-No. Sorry to...” Jegus fuck, from this angle Karkat had a really good view of her chest. So...so soft. The softest. It was extremely likely that Karkat had never actually felt anything that soft. “Bother you. I’ll be,” Karkat could just barely make out the light dusting of downy blond hairs all over her skin, “going, now.” CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION. CCG: OH MY SHITTING GOD. WHY DO HUMANS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING SOFT AND PITIFUL- LOOKING? IT’S KILLING ME. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 359:19 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: OH, FUCK, I KNOW, ALL THAT THIN SKIN, COVERED ALL OVER IN TINY LITTLE HAIRS? THEY WOULD FEEL AS SOFT AS A JUVENILE CLUCKBEAST. FCG: MAYBE SOFTER. CCG: SO...I JUST SAW LALONDE PRACTICALLY NAKED. FCG: OH, FUCK, WAS IT THAT TIME SHE WAS DOING THAT THING WHERE SHE WAS SHINING THAT HIDEOUSLY EYE-SCORCHING LIGHT ALL OVER HER SKIN? CCG: YES. FCG: THAT WAS...GOOD. CCG: YES IT WAS. CCG: SO. FCG: YEAH? CCG: SO...THIS IS A THING THAT RARELY HAPPENS, US JUST...HAVING A CIVIL CONVERSATION, I MEAN. CCG: I DON’T ACTIVELY WANT TO DO PHYSICAL HARM TO YOU RIGHT NOW. CCG: IT’S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD. FCG: YEAH. FCG: I KIND OF...DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. CCG: ME EITHER. CCG: HUH. FCG: I, UM. LOOK. CCG: YEAH? FCG: SORRY. FCG: I KNOW WE’RE TRYING TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO A MINIMUM, HERE, BUT I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. CCG: UM. OK? FCG: OH MY SWEET FUCK, DAVE IS DRIVING ME *CRAZY*. CCG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FCG: I CAN’T HELP IT. I JUST KEEP FINDING HIM MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. CCG: OH NO. NO, NO, NO. FCG: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. CCG: PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE. FCG: I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE’S JUST BEING A THINKPAN-DAMAGED HUMAN AND DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD HE IS BLACK FLIRTING WITH ME, OR IF HE’S JUST FUCKING AROUND. CCG: OH MY GOD NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP. CCG: REMEMBER A MINUTE AGO WHEN WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO EACH OTHER? CCG: THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE. CCG: I MISS THAT. FCG: I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO TELL IF HE’S BEING *SERIOUS* OR NOT. CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WHAT DID I JUST SAY??? FCG: OH MY GOD, I WANT HIM SO FUCKING MUCH I CAN’T STAND IT. CCG: AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHAKDJGHFSKHSKHJFGFDSF:kl;' CCG banned FCG from responding to memo. FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2063:02 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: HAHAHAHA THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS. FCG: I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT MEMO. [XB CCG: WILL YOU JUST FUCKING QUIT WITH THE GODDAMNED EMOTICONS?!?! CCG: IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH AN INCONCEIVABLE MORON THAT I’M HAVING THE ALMOST UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO REPEATEDLY PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE JUST SO YOU’LL HAVE THE MEMORY OF WHAT IS ONLY A FRACTION OF THE TERRIBLE, UNCEASING AGONY I WISH UPON YOU WITH EVERY FUCKING CELL IN MY BODY. FCG: OH, FUCK YEAH. THAT...THAT WAS GOOD. FCG: MMMM YES. CCG: ALDKJGSKFHKLJAKFJIL CCG: A;HKSGAKJDHF CCG: LKHJDFB CCG: XKJDG FCG: I *LOVE* HAVING THAT EFFECT ON YOU. FCG: I’M MAKING YOU SO FUCKING WET, AREN’T I? FCG: I KNOW I’M RIGHT. I REMEMBER. [;B FCG: COME ON. FCG: I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT. CCG: FUCK OFF, YOU DISGUSTING FREAK. FCG: OH WELL. SUIT YOURSELF. <3< Karkat’s hands were shaking. It took him more than a few tries before he was actually able to succeed in clicking the ban button. The flush spreading over his face at that absurd spade symbol was so fucking humiliating, and the mortifyingly amazing heat that had been rushing from his stomach to his groin since the beginning of the conversation was even worse. He wasn’t going to give in, this time. He was just going to ignore it. Like that’s something that would ever work. ***** Dave: Part One ***** Chapter Summary This chapter is for my precious Davekatters. You are my most favorite children. After that, being around Strider started to get really fucking weird. Karkat found himself jumping every time he saw that skinny, pasty fuckhole, and more often than not he’d end up babbling a bunch of nonsense and running off. Karkat’s blood-pusher eventually set up what seemed to be a permanent camp in his throat, and even things as non-Strider as the beeper on the microwave cooking device were making him jump out of his skin. Alright. Karkat would admit that Strider was attractive. He’d thought so before, whatever, that’s nothing special. Karkat was six and a half. He would probably start to find his own respiteblock wall attractive if he stared at it for long enough. This was more than Strider just being attractive, though. This was...this was war. Karkat was looking through the nutrition preparation recess for something, anything sweet, concentrating very hard on Not Thinking About Any Of That Bullshit, when Strider appeared out of nowhere, right next to him, and completely ruined it. Karkat backed away so quickly that he smacked into the wall. "Fuck!" he cried out, angrily scrubbing at the back of his head. “What the fuck?" Strider leaned towards him, bracing himself with a forearm against the wall, blocking Karkat’s straight shot for the door. He was taller than Karkat. Everyone was taller than Karkat. God fucking dammit. "Dude, I think your BFF is stalking me. Will you like, call his ass off or something?" Dave was way too close. Karkat could feel the tips of his own ears burning, and it took him several beats too many to respond. Humans smelled...good. Really good. Oh...oh no. "For the love of...he...no he fucking isn’t. Shut up." Strider’s shades were as inscrutable as ever, and Karkat flicked his eyes away from them to the doorway and back again. “Just tell your pet murderclown I'm not interested, k?" Something just sort of snapped in Karkat at that and he suddenly found himself yelling, jabbing a finger in the center of Strider's time insignia. "...don't you even fucking talk about him like he's worse than everyone else here, every troll here except me has killed at least one of our friends!! You do know that your 'BFF', as you so eloquently put it, used to make a grubfucking game of luring hundreds of young trolls to their deaths, right?? But Gamzee kills two trolls in a fair fight that I ordered Equius to initiate in the first place and Gamzee's the one that everyone always..." Dave infuriatingly managed to shut Karkat up by putting a finger over his lips. Karkat felt a blush sweep over his body in what he really, really wished were anger. "This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. Hadn't heard you rant in a while. Started to think maybe I was going deaf." Strider swept out of the kitchen, flashing Karkat that human gesture of his where he would kiss two fingers and extend them outwards in a V shape. Karkat was pretty sure it was some kind of egregious insult, and that made his skin prickle and heat throb suddenly between his legs. CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION. CCG: OH MY GOD IT'S COMING TRUE. CCG: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!! CCG: IF YOU HADN'T MADE ME START THINKING THAT THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS IDEA INTO MY HEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU STEAMING BRICK OF SHIT!!! CCG: IF YOU HADN'T MADE ME START THINKING THAT IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED AND I COULDN’T HAVE BECOME YOU IN ORDER TO SET MY EARLIER SELF ON THIS HUMILIATING PATH OF XENOPHILIA AND DEPRAVITY AND CCG: JEGUS FUCK WHO EVEN STARTED THIS GRUBFUCKING TEMPORAL LOOP OF IDIOCY IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?!?!?! CCG: MY THINKPAN IS GOING TO TWIST ITSELF INTO A GIANT THROBBING KNOT OF CAUSALITY UNTIL IT ***EXPLODES*** AND IT WILL BE CCG: **ALL** CCG: **YOUR** CCG: **FAULT** CCG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2059:21 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: HAHAHAHA CCG: NO, ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT. NOT YOU. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I WANT TO TALK TO THE ONE FROM LIKE THREE HUNDRED HOURS FROM NOW. CCG: THE EARLIEST ONE. CCG: HE'S THE ONE I WANT TO DESTROY. FCG: TOO BAD. C;B CCG: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT, EVEN??? JEGUS NOOKSTUFFING FUCK. CCG: YOU ARE THE ***WORST*** ME. CCG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT VOMITING UP ALL OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. FCG: PRETTY EASILY. FCG: WANT TO SEE? CCG: WHAT??? FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2059:21 HOURS FROM NOW sent CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW file “pretty_easily.png" CCG: NO FUCKING WAY. CCG: I’M NOT OPENING THAT. FCG: YOU WILL, THOUGH! FCG: IT’LL ONLY TAKE ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE YOU JUST WON’T BE ABLE TO CONTAIN YOUR CURIOSITY. CCG: UUUUGGGGHHHH SHUT UP FCG: HAHAHA FCG: WHATEVER FCG: I KNOW YOU’RE OPENING IT RIGHT NOW. “Goddamed fucking piece of shiteating assfucking nooksniffing bucket humping sack of bulges, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." Karkat had indeed been opening the file. "...FUCK!" The picture was dark, and low quality, but what Karkat saw sent the strangest, hottest shudder through him. His future self looked...really, really relaxed. Really, really uncharacteristically so. Karkat had been -- for as long as he’d fucking known himself -- wound up so tightly that he was liable to snap at any moment with a truly spectacular twang. His shoulders were always hunched and tense, his eyebrows drawn so tightly together that there was probably a permanent crease between them, and his mouth was almost always wrenched into the defiant frown that Karkat always thought made himself look forbidding, but really just made him look sulky. This version of himself, though...it was bizarre as fuck. He was slumped over the table, head propped carelessly in one hand, with a smile that was really, weirdly, attractively lethargic. It was the eyes, though, that sent that sudden, intense shiver of heat through Karkat’s body: knowing, half-lidded, intense, cherry-ass red. Karkat made an involuntary noise -- halfway between a groan and a whimper. FCG: SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE? [;B CCG: NO. FCG: HAHAHA, YOU’RE THE BEST. FCG: HOW ARE THOSE FEELINGS FOR STRIDER TREATING YOU? CCG: OH MY GOD WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT WITH YOU FCG: HEHEHE 3[:B CCG: UGH. CCG: FINE. CCG: THEY’RE STUPID. REALLY STUPID. CCG: I’VE SPENT MOST OF THIS TRIP SO FAR WISHING HE’D LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. CCG: AND I STILL WANT THAT, SORT OF. CCG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO *LOOK* AT ME. CCG: I JUST...REALLY WANT HIS EYES ON ME. REALLY AND ACTUALLY *ON ME* AND NOT... CCG: FUUUUUCK I JUST WANT TO START THROTTLING HIM AND NOT STOP UNTIL HE’S ACTUALLY *LOOKING* AT ME AND NOT BEING SUCH AN INSCRUTABLE DUMBFUCK. FCG: SO...SAY THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO HAPPEN NEXT? CCG: JEGUS FUCK, I DON’T KNOW. CCG: I DON’T REALLY...WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. CCG: IT SEEMS SO FUCKING POINTLESS. FCG: OH, COME ON. FCG: *THIS* IS WHY YOU’RE SO FUCKING UPTIGHT. FCG: YOU NEVER LET YOUR THOUGHTS REACH ANY SORT OF ULTIMATE CONCLUSION. FCG: YOU JUST CLAMP DOWN ON THEM LIKE A CHOLERBEAR TRAP ON THE LEG OF A LONE HUNTTROLL. FCG: OH MY GOD IT’S HORRIBLE AND THERE IS BLOOD AND GORE *EVERYWHERE*, BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO LET HIM OUT! FCG: HE’S DYING, KARKAT, DON’T YOU WANT TO HELP HIM? FCG: WHAT KIND OF HEARTLESS MONSTER ARE YOU??? CCG: … FCG: WHAT. FCG: DO YOU WANT. FCG: TO DO. FCG: WITH STRIDER? FCG: [: