Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4702328.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, No_Archive_Warnings_Apply, Rape/Non-Con,
      Underage
  Category:
      F/F, M/M
  Fandom:
      Queer_as_Folk_(US)
  Relationship:
      Brian_Kinney/Justin_Taylor
  Character:
      Brian_Kinney_(Queer_as_Folk), Justin_Taylor_(Queer_as_Folk), Debbie
      Novotny, Lindsay_Peterson, Melanie_Marcus, Michael_Novotny, Emmett
      Honeycutt, Ted_Schmidt, Jennifer_Taylor, Other(s)
  Additional Tags:
      Violence, Assault
  Collections:
      The_Brian/Justin_Fanfiction_Archive
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-09-01 Chapters: 6/6 Words: 148821
****** For All Time ******
by Acacia_Mac
Summary
     This Universe was created by me... this is the first fic that I
     wrote, and it became much more than I had even
     imagined it would be. When I had completed FaT I had left it open for
     a sequel someday in the future... and I guess this is what I came up
     with.
     There are some things however that you will need to know in order to
     understand this series. First off it is set after
     Season 2 of QaF, two weeks after the imfamous Rage Party.
Notes
     yet ANOTHER OLD fic from sooo long ago.
***** Chapter 1 *****
For All Time
                                   By Acacia
 
Part_1_:_Pushing_Me_Away
 
                               I've lied to you
                         The same way that I always do
                            This is the last smile
                 That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
                                        
                            (Everything falls apart
                        Even the people who never frown
                            Eventually break down)
                       The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
                            (Everything has to end
                    You'll soon find we're out of time left
                            To watch it all unwind)
                        The sacrifice is never knowing
                                        
                            Why I never walked away
                         Why I played myself this way
                   Now I see your testing me pushes me away
                                        
                      --"Pushing Me Away" by Linkin Park
 
 
As the night’s full moon shined brightly through the window, Justin sat on the
couch, wondering if Brian was coming home.  Their three o’clock curfew time was
rapidly approaching, and the older man had yet to return home.  Not that they
had to follow the rules anymore.  ‘Hell it’s not like I’ve already broken every
single one of them,’ Justin thought.  Justin knew that Brian liked his freedom,
but Justin was rapidly losing his patience with the whole situation.  He was
losing himself, and was wondering how he could find himself again.  Justin
wanted to talk to Brian before he fully left the man’s life.  Yes, he had left
with Ethan last night, but Brian had pushed him to it.  Did Brian care at all? 
Justin needed answers, and if it was over, then he would take his stuff and
leave Brian’s life forever.
 
Never before would he have tolerated the type of treatment that he had
sustained these past couple of weeks.  It was like Brian was once again pulling
away – running scared and Justin wasn’t going to have it.  It wasn’t like
Justin didn’t have anyone he could fall back on, ‘cause he did.  Just the
thought of Ethan brought a smile to the young man’s face.  It wasn’t that he
loved Ethan – ‘cause he didn’t.  He knew he liked Ethan, had feelings for him,
and could in time learn to love him, but it would never be real love.  It
wouldn’t be Brian.  He did however, love what Ethan was offering him.  To be
with one person, the person you loved, and knowing that you were loved in every
way, that you were the only one for that person.  Those were the things that
Justin was finding that he wanted.  He loved Brian, and knew that he always
would.  But Justin knew that he couldn’t go on in the ‘relationship’ – if you
could call it that – with the way things were.  He wasn’t interested in the
numerous, nameless tricks.  Not anymore.  He wanted Brian and Brian only. 
 
‘But I’m not enough for Brian,’  he thought with sadness.  Justin knew that
Brian would never change, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted the man to
change.  He fell in love with this Brian, and he wasn’t sure if he could love a
‘new and improved’ Brian.  ‘Maybe everyone was right.  It just can’t work
between the two of us.  We’re just too different.  Brian has too much excess
baggage.’ 
 
These past couple of months has been hard on them both.  Justin’s independence
– which of course went horribly wrong – had almost ended badly.  ‘If Brian were
to find out what Sap did that night of the party . . . no, I don’t want know. 
He can never find out.’ The party for his boss while he worked at Babylon was
something that he didn’t want to think about ever again.  Justin had come so
close to being raped that he still didn’t know how he was able to get away.  He
didn’t know how he was able to overcome all the drugs that he had taken, or
unknowingly slipped into his drinks.
 
Then there was the whole comic book thing with Michael.  ‘God, Brian was such
an ass,’he thought.  He still had been unable to fully forgive Brian for his
little ‘outburst’.  Of course Justin’s Birthday ‘present’, and the botched up
trip for the two.  Justin hadn’t been away from good ol’ Pitts since before the
Prom, and he knew he had to get away from this place and hopefully try and
salvage this ‘thing’ between him and Brian.  ‘Hell, I wasn’t even able to use
my winning prize from the King of Babylon Contest.’ 
 
No matter what happened, however, Justin knew that if he could find out just
what he meant to Brian, he could stick it out.  The problem was he wasn’t too
sure where he stood anymore when it came to the other man.  Before Brian ruined
his and Michael’s work, Justin could say without a doubt that Brian loved him. 
Now . . . between that and this whole mess with Brian’s work . . . he just
wasn’t sure anymore.  Justin knew that Brian had done more for him than
anything that he could’ve hoped for.  More than he would like for Brian to do. 
Justin tried to tell Brian not to worry about loaning him the money to go to
school, and he would find away to pay for it on his own, or even take a year
off until he could get the money up himself.  But Brian wouldn’t have any of
that.  Brian would tell him that he had made an investment and planned on
having it pay out.  ‘Investment?  Is that all I am to him?’  Justin hadn’t
wanted to think that, but the thought came crashing into the forefront of his
mind. 
 
‘These long nights alone, are not helping things any,’  he realized.  ‘I just
keep coming up with more ways that Brian and I are over.  Why can’t he see that
we’re in trouble?  Does he even care?’  Justin just sat there and placed his
head in his hands.  Last night at the Rage party, Brian had done the one thing
that Justin wasn’t sure he could ever forgive.  Brian had pushed him into
Ethan’s awaiting arms.  ‘I won’t cry.  I won’t cry.  I won’t cry.’  After
nights alone, Justin had thought of the only thing that he could.  Now all he
had to do was follow through with it.  He would wait until Brian came home, and
tell him.  ‘I can do this.  I know I can.  But god, why does it feel like I’m
ready to die?’
 
With two bags packed and sitting by the door, he began to pray that he was
doing the right thing.  He needed to find himself again.  He needed to be
strong on his own, and fully get over what had happened all those months ago. 
He needed to heal, before he could live anymore.  If he and Brian were to
survive, Justin needed to be strong.  ‘Are we even worth fighting for,’ he
asked himself.  ‘Can he forgive me for what I’ve done?  Do I even want him
to?’ 
 
Justin only hoped he didn’t destroy Brian during this time.  If Brian couldn’t
tell him how he felt, Justin knew that he would not be able to continue in his
current state.  He also knew that Brian would never be able to say the words he
so desperately needed to hear.  Justin would do the only thing he could.  He
would have to find his old self again, so that maybe he could have a future
with Brian.  After today, Justin would never ask anything else from Brian.  He
would never ask Brian how he felt.  If Brian wanted him, he would have to come
to him and prove it.
 
***********************
 
Brian stood outside the door to the loft and rested his head against the cold
metal.  He had been sitting outside for the past hour, after seeing Justin make
his way into the building.  ‘Why is he here,’ Brian asked himself.  He had
pushed Justin away last night for the kid’s own good.  Brian knew that if
Justin had stayed with him, he would destroy Justin.  No matter how much it
hurt Brian, he wouldn’t be responsible for hurting Justin anymore.  ‘I’ve hurt
him enough.  I can’t give him what he deserves.  Ethan can, I saw it myself,’
Brian rationalized.  He didn’t think that he could stay strong if he saw Justin
again.
 
Brian knew that he loved Justin, as much as he could anyway.  He also knew that
he would never be able to express it to the young man in the way that Justin
deserved.  ‘I did that once, and everyone knows how well that turned out. 
Justin still hasn’t fully recovered from that romantic display,’ he cursed. 
Although Brian knew that Justin didn’t remember the full night of his Prom,
Brian felt that the night had been his first and last attempt at romance.  He
didn’t think he could go through that again. 
 
‘Can’t stay out here all day,’  Brian realized.  Brian placed his key in the
lock and slowly opened the door.  When he entered he saw the two bags sitting
by the door, and Justin leaning against the couch.  “Come to get your stuff? 
Good, the sooner we get this over with the better.  I’m sure your new hubby
will be very pleased,” he stated resorting to his old attitude hoping to hide
the pain he was feeling in his chest.
 
Justin just sat there looking at Brian.  Closing his eyes briefly, he took a
deep breath.  Brian knew that he was being cold to Justin, but dammit he was
hurting too.  “Can we talk,” Justin asked him.
 
Brian took off his jacket and threw it on the bar stool by the kitchen. 
Ignoring Justin, he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a beer and
walked over to the couch to sit down.  “I think we said everything that needed
to be said.  I can’t give you what you want.  You chose Ethan last night.  So
why are you here?”  Brian stared out the window, not wanting to look at
Justin.  He knew that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to hide anymore.
 
Brian saw out of the corner of his eye, Justin moving around the couch.  A
minute later, his view was obstructed by Justin’s beautiful face.  “Why,
Brian?  Why are you pushing me away?  You did that last night on purpose,
‘cause you knew that I’d be so angry with you and go with Ethan.  Why?  Don’t
you fucking care for me at all?”  Brian just started into Justin’s eyes,
letting the coldness he was feeling take over his heart and his features. 
‘Yes, I care dammit.  You opened the fucking door, and now I’m stuck here with
all my defenses shattered,’ he wanted to yell, but just keep his eyes trained
on Justin’s.  “Can’t you talk to me?  We never talk, and that’s the main reason
why we’re where we fucking are.  I’m at fault in this whole thing, at least
more so than you, but dammit Brian, tell me what you want, what you’re
thinking.  I want to make this work, but I can’t do it alone.”  Brian felt
Justin’s hand on his arm.  “Talk to me.  Please.”
 
Brian turned his glaze from Justin to the view outside the window.  He wasn’t
sure what to do at that moment.  Here Justin was, begging him to take him back,
to forgive him, to talk to him, but Brain wasn’t sure that he could do that. 
Yes, he wanted Justin.  Yes, he loved Justin.  But was he ready to take the
step to make the changes that Justin wanted?  Could he forgive?  He wasn’t sure
of that answer.  “Look, its over.  You made your choice,” Brian began.
 
“Because you forced me into it,” Justin interrupted.
 
Brian turned his attention back to Justin with a cold look in his eyes.  Brian
felt is anger beginning to build.  “You were the one who fucking lied to me,
Justin.  Don’t try and fucking tell me that this is my fault,” he yelled as he
stood from the couch moving away from Justin. 
 
Brian couldn’t look at Justin, but he felt the young man move closer to him. 
They could always feel when the other was near.  When Brian felt Justin’s hand
on his arm, he jerked away, knowing that the electric shock he had felt at the
contact could break him.  He heard Justin take a deep breath, and felt Justin
move away from him.  “Brian, I know I fucked up.  I know that you think that
sorry is bullshit, but I hope you know that if I could do it all over again I
wouldn’t.  I lo. .”
 
Brian turned to face Justin with anger in his eyes.  “Don’t you even.  Listen
it’s over, live with it, Justin.  I am.  In fact, I’ll be much happier without
you in my life.  So why don’t you get your shit, and get the FUCK OUT!”
 
Brian turned away before he did something that they both would regret, and
walked into his bedroom.  He didn’t need to see Justin’s face to know that the
young man was crying.  In fact, Brian had to hold his own emotions in check so
that he didn’t break down himself as he felt is life, his heart break.  “I am
sorry, Brian,” he heard the soft voice coming from deep within the loft.  “I
love you, I always will.  I know I fucked up, but I hope that one day, you’ll
be able to forgive me.”  Brian closed his eyes hoping to block out the pain. 
He felt as if he was going to have a heart attack, but knew he had to keep up
his façade a little while longer.  “Good-bye, Brian.  I love you,” Justin
stated as Brian heard the loft door open, and close again. 
 
“I love you too, Sunshine,” he whispered when he felt Justin leave.  As much as
he wanted to turn around, open the door, and take Justin in his arms.  As much
as he wanted to forgive Justin for these past couple of weeks, he couldn’t.  He
wouldn’t.  The pain and anger he was feeling was just too much for him to
bear.  He knew he was doing the right thing, by letting Justin go.  ‘But why
does it hurt do god damn much?’
 
Sitting on the bed, he let his emotions take over as he began to let the tears
flow.  He hadn’t cried since that night all those months ago while he was
sitting in that hospital corridor.  “I love you, too.”
 
****************
 
Justin walked out of the building and made his way down the street.  Out of the
corner of his eye, he saw a car pulling out next to him.  Justin stopped and
turned to see who was following him.  ‘I don’t need this right now.  I can’t
break down yet,’ he kept telling himself.  As he looked into the car, he saw
Daphne leaning over to look at him.  “Hey, need a lift,” she asked, hoping to
help out her friend.
 
Justin just smiled slightly and opened the door to put his stuff in.  He was
grateful that it was her, ‘cause he knew he didn’t want to deal with anyone
else right now.  “Thanks,” he said as he climbed into the passenger seat. 
 
Justin felt Daphne reach over and place a hand on his arm.  “Are you okay?”
 
Justin closed his eyes, hoping to stop the gates from opening, and letting his
emotions come out.  “I really fucked up this time, Daph.  He’ll never forgive
me, and I don’t blame him.  God, I love him so much.  Why,” he asked looking at
her, silently hoping that she would be able to give him the answers he wanted
to hear.  “Why did I do it?  I hurt him so much.”  Justin felt his world come
crashing down upon him.  Finally letting go of everything that he’d been
feeling these past couple of months, he cried.  Justin felt Daphne reach over
and hold him as he continued to cry outside of Brian’s building.  “What am I
going to do?  I don’t know who to live without him.”
 
“Shhh,” he heard her comforting voice.  “You’ll get through this Justin, I know
you will.  Brian’s as much to blame in this as you are, so don’t,” she began.
 
Justin pulled away and looked into his best friend’s eyes as the tears
continued to stream down his face.  “No, he’s not.  I knew. . .I knew Daph, and
I still demanded. . .I still . . . God.”
 
Justin placed his head in his hands, not able to continue.  He didn’t know what
to do, where to go, who he was.  He continued to cry as he felt the car pull
away from the side and move towards town.  “Do you have a place to stay,” he
heard her ask.  All he could do was shake his head no.  Justin wouldn’t stay
with Ethan, he didn’t want to move back home with his mother, and he just
couldn’t move back with Deb.  Not now, not ever again.  “Okay, look, you can
stay with me for a while.  It won’t be a problem,” she said to him. 
 
“I can’t,” he began.
 
“You can, and you will,” she told him.  Justin just nodded.  He felt numb, like
he had just been stuck in a winter storm with no clothes on for days.  ‘How can
I live without him?  I can’t believe that I fucked it up.  When everyone was
warning me about him, I was the one who had messed it up, not Brian.  What have
I done,’ he continued to ask himself.  Justin looked up and just stared out the
front window of the car.  He didn’t want to think anymore, he didn’t want to
feel anymore.  All he wanted was for the pain to stop.
 
‘I’m so sorry, Brian.’
 
*******************
 
Daphne stood in the doorway of her living room, and looked at her sleeping
friend.  It had been three weeks since the ‘big break-up’, and she felt as if
she was losing Justin to depression as the days went by.  ‘What can I do to
help you, Justin,’ he asked herself.  She hated seeing Justin looking so lost. 
He had lost his smile, he lost his light. 
 
However, what she hated most was how everyone else was treating him.  It was
like since he and Brian were no more, that he couldn’t have his friends anymore
either.  Michael was being an ass to Justin, which Daphne figured would’ve
happened sooner or later.  Everyone knew that Michael hated Justin, and what he
had represented him Brian’s life.  But damn.  Ted wasn’t talking to Justin, not
that it was that big of a loss, in her opinion.  Deb would just look at Justin
with a disappointed look in her eye.  Daphne had caught it even though Deb
tried hard not to show it to Justin, but she knew that he knew. 
 
The only ones who would still talk to him, and still wanted to be friends with
him were Emmett and Lindsey.  Daphne was furious with all of them.  She had
thought that it wouldn’t matter if the two were together or not, that they were
all friends.  She had hoped that they would try to understand her friend
better.  ‘Yes, he is MY friend,’ she stated to herself. 
 
The worst thing is that Justin wouldn’t even see or talk to Ethan.  ‘Granted if
he left this damn room once in a while, he might be able to do that, but he
hasn’t left here since I brought him here.  He hasn’t even gotten up to go to
school.’ Daphne could now see the pain that Justin was in.  Before this, she
had believed what he had wanted her to see, what he wanted everyone to see. 
She now knew that Justin was broken.  Looking back on these past couple of
months, she could see that he had been suffering since he had woken up from his
coma. 
 
Since Justin had been staying with her, she had been doing some research on her
own.  She knew that what Hobbs had done to him had changed him drastically, but
since he seemed okay with things, she never bothered to think any farther than
that.  But seeing him now, seeing and looking back on things, she knew that he
was far from fine.  His one constant in his life – Brian – had shut down.  No
one had wanted to talk about it with him, so he had closed himself off.  He
told himself that he was fine.  Then came this damn comic book.  Justin had
told his story in that book.  Unfortunately what none of them had bothered to
see is that it had opened a door within him, that he didn’t know how to deal
with. 
 
Justin had almost died that day at the Prom.  Daphne knew from her readings
that having a life and death situation will change people.  He felt he needed
more, ‘cause he knew how fragile life was now.  Unfortunately, he didn’t know
how he could talk about it.  No one would talk about it.  ‘Not even me,’ she
thought with sadness.  They had all let him down, in the worst possible way. 

She also knew that Justin was definitely suffering from Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome.  He just wasn’t sure how to express what he was feeling.  He went
along with what everyone else wanted, never telling anyone how he felt.  Daphne
knew that she needed to help him.  She hated to see him like this.  She wanted
her friend back.
 
With a plan in mind, Daphne wrote a quick note, grabbed a folder that sat
beside her computer, and walked out of her apartment.  ‘It’s time that I
confront the problem,’ she said.  ‘Justin can’t, so as his friend, I will for
him.’
 
*****************
After Daphne had left, Justin opened his eyes and looked around.  As grateful
as he was for Daphne’s help, he couldn’t stand her hovering around him
anymore.  He needed to think.  Quickly he reached over to the table next to
him, and turned on the CD player. 
 
Standing and moving across the room, Justin sat on the couch, just listening to
some music.  He just didn’t know what to do anymore.  Justin knew that Daphne
was worried about him, but he just needed to figure out where he was going in
his life.  He saw some of Daphne’s new CD’s sitting by the side of her stereo,
and he knew he had to try and come up with some way to get out of the mess that
he had gotten himself into.  All he had to do was clear his mind long enough to
come up with something.  These past couple of weeks he had felt numb, like
nothing mattered anymore.  And truthfully it didn’t.  Brian didn’t love him
anymore, ‘if he ever did,’ Justin thought.  ‘No!  Stop thinking about that. 
You have Ethan, now.  Why can’t I bring myself to go and see him?’
 
The night he had left with Ethan, he had told the other teen that he needed
time to come to terms with things before he was able to fully commit to a
relationship with him.  Justin only hoped that he could give Ethan what he
deserved.  ‘I just hope in time I can learn to love him,’he thought.  Ethan was
everything that Justin wanted.  At least he thought he wanted.  ‘The only
problem is he isn’t Brian.’ 
 
Justin hit play on the CD player, hoping that some music will calm him enough
to come up with the proper perspective.  He owed Ethan a lot, and Ethan loved
him.  ‘All I have to do is get out of this funk, and give Ethan what he wants. 
What I want.  Only why does it feel like I’m still cheating on Brian?’
 
The words of the song drifted slowly through the small room, and Justin felt as
if the song was saying everything that he was feeling. 
 
  He doesn't taste like you
  He doesn't touch like you
  No, I know he can't replace
  What never, never went away
  There is no substitute
  For what I shared with you
  No, I know it's not the same
  When he, when he calls my name
  Does he know that when he's looking in my eyes
  I'm thinking in the back of my mind
 
Justin knew -- if he truly wanted to admit it, everything that he had with
Ethan, that he had done with Ethan -- he had always hoped in the back of his
mind that it was Brian.
 
  He should be you
  How can it be
  That the man I wanna love
  Is not the man who's loving me
  It should be you, it should be me
  Don't want to hurt him but it's true
  He should be, he should be you
 
Justin only wished that Brian felt for him the way he felt for the older man. 
Justin knew that Brian loved him, if he actually sat down to remember their
time together.  Justin only wanted Brian to admit it.  ‘Love just isn’t enough
sometimes,’ he thought to himself.  ‘Yes, Brian loves me, but he just can’t
give me what I want.’ 
  Thought I was over you
  Thought I had spent enough
  Time alone living, living on my own
  I guess I fooled myself
  By thinking I could tell
  A broken heart when it should start
  Do you know how hard I've tried to let him in
  Kept thinking that in time there'd be a spark
 
‘Can I get over Brian,’  Justin wondered to himself.  ‘Can I forget Brian, and
move on with Ethan?  Is it fair to Ethan to give him only a part of myself?’ 
Justin wasn’t sure of that answer.  He knew that Brian held a part of him, and
always would.  He would always be in love with Brian, and Justin wasn’t sure if
he could give anymore of himself away without fully losing who he was.  ‘Brian
has so much of me, which I don’t know if I have anything left to give.’
 
  How do I let him know
  How do I let him go
  What'll I say to him to explain
  It's not that I don't care
  It's just that it's not fair
  When I look at him I feel this way
 
Justin closed his eyes as the words continued to cry out to him.  Realization
hit him.  He couldn’t put Ethan through this.  Ethan deserved the one person
who is faithful.  Completely faithful.  ‘As long as we’re together, Brian will
always be in my thoughts.  I can’t do that to Ethan.  He deserves better than a
damaged kid, who can’t give him what he deserves.’ 
 
  He should be you
  How can it be
  That the man I wanna love
  Is not the man who's loving me
  It should be you, it should be me
  Don't want to hurt him but it's true
  He should be, he should be you
                   (“He Should Be You”  by Soluna)
 
Justin placed his head in his hands, allowing to tears to flow from his eyes. 
He cried for what he could’ve had if he was only allowed to.  He couldn’t love
Ethan, and Justin knew that no matter how long they would be together, Brian
would always be in the background.  He couldn’t pretend.  He wouldn’t do that
to Ethan.  So Justin cried for the loss of what he couldn’t have.  ‘I’m
destined to be alone.’
 
*******************
 
Brian sat down at his computer working on the latest advertising campaign that
Vance had handed him.  Since the night of the party, three weeks ago, Brian had
thrown himself in his work in hopes to rid his mind of any thoughts of Justin. 
When he wasn’t working he went out to Babylon to find the first available
person to fuck.  So far it was working well for him.  Along with the drugs and
alcohol, he hadn’t had the time or energy to think about Justin.  At least
that’s what he tried to convince himself and others.
 
The truth was he would forget Justin, that was until he would go into the
bedroom, or take a shower -- or hell -- see anything that was Justin’s that was
still laying around the loft.  Justin was always on his mind.  Brian knew he
would never be able to truly forget the young man, and wished he could just
have one solid nights rest.  ‘God, I never thought that he would have gotten in
this far under my skin,’he thought. 
 
Brian was slowly brought out of his thoughts by a banging on the loft door. 
‘Fuck, Mikey, just leave me alone,’he thought.  He was beginning to wonder if
he just ignored the banging the person would give up and go away.  After about
another minute of the banging, Brian gave up and got up to answer it.  “What
the fuck do you want,” he asked when he saw Daphne standing on the other side. 
This was the last thing he wanted right now.  He didn’t think that he could
deal with her right now.   Brain watched Daphne as she pushed her way past him,
moving deep into the loft.  “Make yourself at home,” he said sarcastically.
 
“Don’t mind if I do,” she said as she moved over to the couch and sat down. 
Brian just stood there continuing to look at her. 
 
Brian went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of JB.  ‘Somehow I think
I’ll need a whole hell lot more than one glass,’he thought realizing that
Daphne was there to ream him a new asshole.  ‘Now there’s a scary  thought.’ 
Brian grabbed the bottle and took it with him over to sit down in the chair
across from the young teen.  “Okay, you come in here. . .scratch that. . .you
barge into here, without permission, and sit here like you own the place.  Want
to tell me what the fuck is on your mind, before I throw your ass out,” he
stated leaning back with the glass in his hand.
 
 Brian caught Daphne looking at him.  It felt like she was trying to see into
his soul.  ‘Justin used to do that too,’ he thought painfully.  ‘No wonder
they’re friends.  They’re so much alike it’s painful.’  He was brought out of
his thoughts with her shoving a folder onto his lap.  “What’s this?  I don’t
correct homework,” he said lifting the offensive article up.
 
Daphne just glared at him, and Brian knew that she was on a mission.  What that
mission was, he wasn’t sure, but he knew that he wouldn’t like it.  “No, you
stupid fuck,” she began.  Brian was taken aback at her language.  Daphne –
sweet, innocent Daphne who never talked to him this way – was now a woman with
one goal.  ‘Nothing’s worse than a woman scorned.’  “I thought that you’d like
a little light reading.”  Brian saw Daphne’s eyes slightly cloud before she
closed them to collect her thoughts.  “Justin’s been staying with me.  And
before you say anything,” she began stopping Brian from telling her that he
didn’t give a fuck what Justin was doing.  He knew that it was a lie, but what
she had told him did come as a shock.  Brian was sure that Justin would move in
with his new little boyfriend, not his best friend.  “Justin’s not doing well. 
He hasn’t even left the room.”
 
“Why the fuck are you telling me this?  Justin made his choice, he has a new
boy toy to play with.  Why don’t you tell him this shit?”  Brian stood and
moved over to the window.  He was beginning to feel trapped.  ‘Why the fuck is
she here?’  “Justin and I are over.  What he does means nothing to me.”
 
“Really, then why can’t you look at me,” she yelled at him.  Brian could feel
the anger coming off of her.  She was definitely a woman protecting her friend.
 Brian could admire that.  “For the past three weeks, I’ve had to sit there and
watch him get farther and farther away from everyone.  So I decided to do a
little research.  You know what I found?”
 
Brian knew that she wouldn’t keep him in the dark, but he wouldn’t make it
easier on her.  So he resorted to his old safety device – his sarcasm.  “What
erectile dysfunction?”  ‘God I hope that little fuck, Ethan, can’t keep it up. 
Justin deserves better than someone who just lets him whither away for three
weeks.’  Brian found himself getting angry at the young teen.  He had hoped
when he forced Justin out that Ethan would take care of him.  That Ethan would
give Justin what he deserved.  Now Brian is finding out that Ethan isn’t even
there to help Justin through this.  Brian knew that the break-up would be hard
on Justin, no matter what, they did love each other.  This was the first
relationship for either of them.  He knew that a break-up like they had would
hurt.  ‘So where the fuck is Ethan?’
 
“Not funny.  I looked up information on PTSD,” she stated.
 
“What,” he asked even though he knew what it meant.  He just couldn’t believe
that he had missed it.  He wanted to believe that it wasn’t true.
 
“Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, you idiot.  You know what I found out?  Justin
has been suffering from it for months, and none of us even noticed,” she stated
sounding to Brian as if she was regretful.
 
‘Justin’s been suffering from PTSD and I didn’t see it,’  Brian thought with
disgust.  ‘How could I miss that?’  “What are you talking about?  Justin’s
fine.”
 
“Yeah, he’s fine.  NOT!  Here, look at the folder and tell me if you can’t see
a pattern here.  Think about all the stuff this past year, and tell me if you
don’t see it,” she said as she pointed to the folder in his hand.  “Some of the
stuff I don’t know, I need your help.  Please,” she begged.  “Help me to help
Justin.”
 
Brian sat back down and opened the folder.  On top, he saw Daphne’s hand
writing neatly gracing the page.  She had a list of symptoms, and how she
related to in Justin’s life.  Brian looked down the list, shocked at what he
was seeing.
 
        Trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, reoccurring nightmares  -- ask
Brian
        Fear, Anxiety -- (cured?)  Ask Brian. 
        Depressed, sad, low energy -- complains of being tired all the time, he
hasn’t smiled as much.
        Emotionally numb, withdrawn -- Justin doesn’t so the same stuff he used
to do.  We don’t go to the movies anymore or to the mall. 
        Trouble controlling emotions -- blew up at me, Michael, Deb, Lindsey,
Brian on many occasions.  He gets angry and frustrated easily when he used to
take things and let it roll off of him. 
        Avoid situations that might have strong emotions -- Easy.  He just wont
do the same things that we used to do.  Anything that can make him happy (at
least used to make him happy) he won’t do anymore. 
        Trouble having loving feelings -- Justin has just gone along with
everything that Brian wanted, not fighting for what he wanted.  Not like the
same guy who chased after Brian for a year.  If Brian wants to have a three
some, Justin goes along with it, no complaint.  He avoids his mom, and sister. 
He hasn’t told Brian that he loved him in months. 
        Not feeling pain -- Justin got a deep cut on his finger one day we were
together, and he said he didn’t even feel it.  I passed it off that it was his
right hand, and he may have problems with it, but it maybe more.
        Losing interest in things you used to love to do -- see above.
        Problems in relationships, not able to feel close to people, or trust
them -- see his relationship with Brian this past year.  They were closer
before the bashing then they are now.  They never talk about anything.
        Feeling permanently damaged -- Justin still doesn’t use regular drawing
as often as he used to.  He still relies heavily on the computer.
        Alcohol abuse and drug abuse -- Justin has been using a lot more drugs,
and drinking a great deal more now then he ever did.  It’s almost like he needs
to hide the pain deep within himself.
 
“Ethan can’t help him, Brian.  Only we can.  Please, I can’t lose him.”  Brian
sat there staring at the list in front of him.  ‘How could I miss this,’ he
thought.  He could see now, that Justin hadn’t gotten over the bashing as they
all had believed.  Justin was still suffering, and none of them helped him. 
None of them saw the pain he was in.  “He hid it well,” Daphne said breaking
though the fog.  “I think it wasn’t until Michael had asked him to do the comic
book that even Justin knew that there was a problem.  Bringing it all back was
just too much for him.”
 
Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose with is fingers.  He felt a headache coming
on, and he knew that nothing would get rid of it.  “Of course since no one
wanted to talk about it, I’m sure that it didn’t help matters.  FUCK!”
 
“See what I mean.  He hid it well.  I mean if you didn’t see it, and you spent
the most time with him, how were the rest of us supposed to see it.”  Brian saw
that she lowered her head in her hands, trying to keep it together.  He knew
what she was feeling at that moment.  Failure.  They had failed Justin.  ‘I
failed Justin.’
 
When Daphne looked up, Brian just stared at her.  “What can I do,” Brian
asked.  He knew that he had to do something.  Daphne was right, Ethan couldn’t
help Justin in this.  Only those closest to the bashing had to help Justin, and
that meant the two in this room.  No one else knew.   Together they would help
Justin, whether or not he wanted it.
 
**************
 
Justin stood outside the door leading to Ethan’s small apartment.  From deep
within, Justin could hear Ethan practicing, and Justin felt his resolve
falter.  Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door.  He had to do this. 
‘Ethan deserves better than a broken down kid who doesn’t know what he wants,’
Justin thought gathering his strength.  Strength that he didn’t feel at the
moment, but he knew that he was doing the right thing for Ethan. 
 
A moment later the door opened, revealing the young man.  Ethan smiled at
Justin and opened the door wider for him.  Justin wasn’t sure if he should go
in.  If he went into the room, could he go through with what he had planned on
doing.  Making a decision, Justin just stood there.  “Can we go for a walk and
talk,” he asked hoping that Ethan would understand.  He didn’t want to hurt
him.  Ethan had given a feeling that he hadn’t felt in a long time.  Ethan had
given him love, and a sense of belonging which Justin hadn’t felt for months. 
He would always be grateful, but he just couldn’t continue. 
 
Justin noted the look in Ethan’s beautiful eyes.  ‘He knows,’Justin dreaded. 
Justin could see the sudden pain and realization in the other’s eyes.  Ethan
went further inside the apartment, and grabbed his coat, making Justin once
again think about what he was doing.  The two walked out of the complex and
toward the park in silence.  Neither one sure of what to say.  Justin moved
over to a bench and sat down.  Ethan had been quiet the entire time, and that
began to worry Justin.  “So are you back with him,” Ethan asked taking Justin
by surprise.
 
“No. . .God no,” Justin exclaimed.  The last thing that he wanted Ethan to
think was that he had gone back to Brian.  He hadn’t, and he couldn’t see
himself with Brian ever again.  The two just weren’t compatible anymore, Justin
knew that.  Justin turned to look at Ethan’s pain filled eyes.  “I’m not with
Brian.  I hope you believe that.  It’s over between the two of us.  I just. .
.”
 
“You don’t feel that way about me.  You’ll always love him, and you don’t feel
that way about me.  You never will,” Ethan stated.
 
Justin was amazed that Ethan had it all figured out.  ‘I should’ve known better
than to think that he wouldn’t know.  God, I’m such an idiot.’  “I wish that I
could, Ethan.  I care about you, and you’ve given me something that I haven’t
had in a long time.  I don’t know how to thank you, but. . .Brian and I have
been through a lot.  I just don’t think that it’s the right time to try to get
into another relationship.  I’ve thought a lot about it these past couple of
weeks, and I realized that no matter what, I’ll always love Brian.”
 
“I understand,” he simply said.  Justin felt a pang of guilt stabbing him in
the heart.  He didn’t want to hurt Ethan, but no matter what he tried to say or
do, it would hurt him.  ‘God, I’m such an ass.  No wonder Brian pushed me
away.’ 
 
“I’m sorry.  I just don’t think it’s fair to you.  You’re a great guy, and I DO
care about you, but,” Justin began hoping to at least try to be friends.  He
didn’t have many of those anymore, and he wished that he hadn’t ruined any
chance at the two of them being friends.
 
Ethan held up his hand, halting Justin from saying anymore.  “Don’t.  I
understand.  I hope you have a good life, Justin.  You deserve the best.  Don’t
settle for anything else.”
 
Justin just sat there watching as Ethan stood and began to walk away.  All hope
that the two could be friends flew away with the wind, as Ethan continued to
walk out of Justin’s life.  He felt numb.  ‘God, I didn’t think I could feel
any worse.’  Justin just continued to sit there, thinking about what he was
going to do now with his life.  He had no one left.  Everyone had left him. 
‘Am I that disgusting that no one wants me?’
 
*****************
 
Justin walked into Daphne’s apartment, and immediately saw her sitting on her
couch waiting for him.  Justin just acknowledged her with a slight nod as he
removed his coat and set it on the chair next to the door.  “Where’d you go? 
Are you okay,” she asked him. 
 
Justin just moved over to sit next to her.  Taking her hand into his own he
took a deep breath.  Justin knew that his friend was worried about him, but he
wanted to reassure her that he was fine.  He knew what he had to do now, and he
hoped that she understood.  “I went to see Ethan,” he began looking down at
their hands.  ‘She had always been there for me.  Ever since we were
kids,’Justin thought.  “I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore.  I told him
that I couldn’t put him through my mess.  He deserves better than me, and he
left.” 
 
Justin heard Daphne take a deep breath in shock.  “What are you going to do
now,” she asked. 
 
Justin was grateful to have at least one friend that he could talk to.  He
wanted her to be the first one to know, she deserved that much.  He wanted her
to know that he wasn’t leaving her, he just needed time.  He only hoped that
his decision wouldn’t push her away too.  ‘Please understand, Daph.’  “I was
sitting there after Ethan left, and I thought about it.”  Justin looked up into
his best friend’s eyes, silently begging her to understand.  “I’m leaving.”
 
“What,” she exclaimed.  Justin could see the disbelief in her eyes.  “How do
you plan on doing that?”
 
Justin let go of her hand and stood, moving over to look out of the small
window.  “I’m going to talk to my mom, and see if she can’t help me.”  Justin
turned to face her, knowing that she deserved the truth.  “I need to get away
for a while.  I need to try and start fresh.  Maybe if I go someplace where
they don’t know me, maybe I can figure out what I’m going to do now.  I feel so
lost, Daph.  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  I just need some time to get
myself together.  Please understand.  Please,” he begged. 
 
Daphne stood and walked over to him, pulling him into her arms.  Justin felt
himself start to break down.  “For how long,” he heard her ask.  She was sad,
he could tell she was trying to stop any tears that were threatening to flow. 
 
“I don’t know,” he said with his head on her shoulder.  “But I need to do this,
Daph.  There’s too much here. . .I don’t think I can take anymore.  Please
understand.  I’ll keep in touch, I won’t leave you completely.  Please
understand.  I need you to understand,” he begged.
 
Justin felt Daphne’s arms close in tighter around him.  “I understand.”  With
her declaration, Justin broke down completely, letting all of his pain come
out.  Her acceptance meant more to him than anything that he could ever hope
for.  He only hoped that she knew what she meant to him.  ‘Before I leave, I’ll
make sure she knows,’he swore to himself.  ‘I promise you, Daphne, you won’t
lose me.  I won’t allow it.  I need you.  I just don’t know who I am anymore. 
I need to get away, and think.’ “I love you, Justin.  I hope you know that.  No
matter where you are, what you’re doing, I’ll always be there for you.  Don’t
forget that.  Okay?”
 
Justin clung to her, nodding his head.  “I love you to, Daph.  You’re my best
friend.”
 
Daphne pulled back a little and gave him a small smile.  “And you’re mine.  You
better keep in touch, and don’t take too long in finding yourself again, okay. 
I need my best friend here with me.”  Justin gave her a small smile.  “When are
you going?”
 
Justin closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “I don’t know yet, but soon.”
 
Justin could almost see Daphne’s mind working.  ‘What is she planning,’he
thought but quickly pushed that thought away.  He didn’t care, she understood. 
He wouldn’t be here in this city much longer, and he knew that he wouldn’t tell
her exactly when he was leaving.  He didn’t want her to try and stop him.  He
knew that he had to do this, and no one was going to stop him.  No one.
 
****************
 
‘God, I have to tell Brian,’  she thought as she saw Justin leave to go see his
mom.  ‘Brian will know what to do.’
 
Picking up the phone, she dialed a number that she knew by heart.  “Brian, we
have a problem,” she stated.
 
After she explained everything to Brian, she hung up.  Holding the phone in her
hand, Daphne just stared at it.  “I hope you understand that I’m only doing
this to help you, Justin.  I can’t lose you now.  I’m sorry.”
 
 
Part_2_:_Cleaning_Out_My_Closet_
 
                                I’m Sorry Momma
                          I never meant to hurt you,
                         I never meant to make you cry
                    But tonight I’m cleaning out my closet
                      -- Cleaning out my Closet by Eminem
 
Justin walked up to his mother’s condo, and just stood there looking at the
door.  Although he knew what he needed to do, he was unsure how to explain it
to his mother.  ‘How do I tell her that I need to get away?  She’ll ask
questions that I’m not sure I can handle right now, and when she asks. . . what
do I tell her?  Hey mom, I think I’m having a mental breakdown, but don’t
worry, I just need to leave here for a while so that I can NOT kill myself,’
Justin thought with a slight smile.  ‘Yea, that would go over well.  If she
doesn’t lock me up in some looney bin, or worse yet, in my room here for the
rest of my life, I think I’ll be pretty well off.’  Justin took a deep breath,
praying that things would go smoothly.  ‘Why am I here?  No, don’t think about
it, Justin.  Just knock on the door, and ask her.  You’re nineteen years old;
you’re not some little faggot who can’t do this.  She’s only your mother, not
the wicked witch.  So what are you afraid of?’ 
 
Realizing that standing outside his mother’s house would get nothing
accomplished.  Justin lifted his hand and knocked on the door.  ‘You made your
choice,’ he thought to himself, hearing Brian’s words come back to him.  ‘Now
be a man, and live with it.’  Gathering up his courage, Justin stood and waited
for his mother to open the door. 
 
“Justin,” his mother answered as she opened the door.  “What are you doing
here?  Not that I’m not happy to see you, but its kind of late isn’t it?”
 
Justin gave his mother a small smile, and shrugged.  ‘Something’s not right
here, but I don’t know what it is.’ “Can we talk,” he asked feeling his insides
tighten.  Remembering the last time that he had used those words, Justin could
only hope that this time things would work out better.  ‘I made a mistake with
Brian.  I won’t make one with mom.’
 
Justin took note that his mother stepped out onto the porch with him, and shut
the door.  “What do you want to talk about, sweetheart?”
 
Justin stood and leaned against the post by the steps, and looked at his
mother.  She looked tired, and a little nervous.  Justin began to get worried
about what was going on, as he felt a sense of dread begin to build deep
within.  ‘What else can go wrong,’ he thought.  He wasn’t sure how much more he
could take, but this was his mother, and he would try and help her if he
could.  “Is everything okay, mom?”
 
Jennifer just smiled slightly, and shook her head.  “I should know not to try
and hide anything from you,” she stated.  Justin continued to feel the cold
dread grow, as he took another deep breath hoping to stop his heart from
pounding out of his chest.  ‘Great now I’m going to have a panic attack,’ he
thought.  ‘I haven’t had one of those in months, why not now.’  “Daddy’s here,”
she explained.
 
‘Fuck!’  Justin closed his eyes, knowing why he was feeling off.  Somehow he
knew that things weren’t going to go his way.  It seemed to him that everything
that he had tried, everything in his life, just was going wrong all at the same
time.  ‘All the more reason why I have to get away from this place.’  Justin
didn’t look up at his mom, only nodded in understanding.  “I can come back
later,” he began as he started to turn around and leave.
 
“Justin,” he heard as he felt her hand on his arm.  “You came here for a
reason, and I know something is wrong.  Tell me.  Don’t let your father push
you away.”
 
Justin looked out at the dark sky, hoping that somewhere he would see something
that could give him some hope.  But like his life, the sky was dark, cold, and
unwelcoming.  ‘Where did the light go,’ he wondered.  Shaking those thoughts
from his mind, he turned to his mother.  ‘It’s now or never.’  He opened his
mouth to ask her, when he saw his father standing on the steps leading into the
house.  Despite the distance between them, Justin could almost see the hate in
his father’s eyes, the disappointment.  Justin could swear that his father’s
eyes looked blood red, and he could feel the disgust stabbing him in the gut. 
‘It’s only the light playing tricks on me,’ he chanted.  ‘It’s only the light .
. . God why is this happening?  Why does he hate me so?’  Gathering what little
strength he didn’t have, Justin stood tall and looked at his father.  “Dad,” he
said grateful that his voice sounded strong.  ‘God knows I don’t feel it.’
 
Justin saw his father turn his glaze away from him and to his mother.  “What
the fuck is he doing here?  I thought I told you, Jenn, that I didn’t want him
around my daughter.”
 
Justin felt his chest tighten and his breathing stop.  ‘I can’t breathe,’ he
thought with dread as his father’s words hit him.  Justin didn’t notice his
mother stand in front of him and turn toward his father.  “Craig!  Justin has
every right to be here.  He’s your son!  And Molly’s his sister.  I told you
that before, and I’m sticking to it.  You can’t stop Justin from seeing me or
his sister.”
 
“I can do anything I damn well want, Jenn.  We have Joint Custody, and I will
not let him bring his . . . lifestyle around MY daughter!” 
 
Justin felt the hate that his father had toward him and his ‘lifestyle’
electrifying the air around them -- filling him with a sense of dread.  Closing
his eyes, trying to calm himself enough to talk to his father, images began to
creep up in his mind.  Brian yelling.  The bat.  The hate in Hobb’s eyes.  The
pain.  ‘No, no, no, no, no,’ he screamed in his mind.  “NO!” 
 
At his outburst, he noticed his mother and father looking at him.  He felt his
mother’s hand once again on his arm, and Justin quickly moved away from it as
if it had burned him.  “Justin,” she quietly asked him.
 
Justin moved over to his father, and looked him straight in the eye.  He had to
know.  He just had to.  “Did I deserve it, dad,” he asked looking into his
father’s eyes.  He could always tell by looking in Brian’s eyes what other man
was thinking, he only hoped he could see past his father’s hate and see some
spark of hope, some spark of love.  Anything to let him know that his father
still cared, that he hadn’t been holding out hope for nothing. 
 
“Justin, please don’t,” he heard his mother quietly beg him.
 
“No, mom.  I have to know,” he stated.  “Did I deserve it?”  Justin saw his
father look away from him.  Grabbing his father’s chin in his hand he forced
his father to look him in the eye.  “The truth, dad.  I think I deserve to
know.”
 
“I’m sorry you got hurt, Justin,” his father began.  Justin felt a little
weight begin to lift off of his shoulders.  ‘He really cares.  I knew it.’  But
as soon as those thoughts crossed his mind he saw something in his father’s
eyes, which sent chills through his body.  “But, truthfully, Justin, I wish
that it would’ve put you out of our lives forever.”
 
“Craig!”
 
“No, he needs to hear this, Jenn.  He wanted to know; well he’ll hear what I
have to say.”  Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  He heard his
mother’s yell and his father’s words as though it was trying to reach him
through a thick fog.
 
Justin tried to clear his mind enough to make out what his parents were saying,
but he felt as if every word that was being said was pushing him farther and
farther into the abyss.  “Dad?”
 
“You’re mother has disgraced herself, hanging out with a group of gay-lovers,
marching in parades, embarrassing all of us.  You go around like everything is
alright.  That it’s right for you to be what you are.  To . . . to do what you
do.  I will not let your sister be subjected to that any longer.”  Justin saw
his father look between him and his mother.  “None of this would’ve happened if
you were no longer here.  You left our home; you left this family, Justin.  You
should’ve stayed away.  As for being my son . . . my son died the day that he
walked out of MY home with that . . .  that monster.”  Justin tried to get some
air in his lungs, he couldn’t breath.  How could his father say these things? 
Craig looked directly at him, and Justin felt his world come to a complete
halt.  “I have no son.  Chris Hobbs would’ve done us all a favor if he had just
finished the job.”
 
Justin stood there letting what his father had told him get past the fog that
had surrounded him when this whole nightmare started.  He couldn’t take it
anymore, he had to get away.  So Justin just turned and ran, avoiding his
mother.  His father hated him, had hoped that Hobbs had killed him.  As Justin
ran, he felt everything around him melt away.  The cold night air ceased to
touch him, the darkness of the night turned darker.  He felt nothing, he could
not, would not allow anything to touch him again.  He was numb.  He felt as
dead as his father had said he was. 
 
*******************
 
Brian sat on the couch at Daphne’s apartment, listening quietly as she
explained what was going on.  When she had called him, and told him that there
was a problem, Brian immediately got into his car and headed over.  He had
learned a lot today about Justin’s state of mind, and what was going on with
the young man.  He couldn’t deny that he didn’t have feelings for Justin, that
he loved Justin, ‘cause he did with all that he was.  Without Justin in his
life, Brian felt incomplete.  Now hearing that Justin was not only suffering
from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, but that the young man was also planning
on leaving Pittsburgh, Brian knew that he had to do something.  He knew that no
matter what happened with their relationship, or non-relationship, he didn’t
want to be without Justin in his life in some way.  He needed Justin’s presence
around him to keep him planted on the ground, to keep him sane. 
 
“Anyway, he told me he and Ethan are over, then just told me that he’s
leaving,” Brian heard her explain as he watched her pace back and forth across
the small living room.
 
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the headache that was
forming behind his eyes.  “What exactly did he say,” he asked.  He felt like he
was pulling teeth trying to get answers out of the young teen.  He saw her
continue to pace, and Brian was having a hard time trying to not lose his
temper with the young woman.  “Will you sit the fuck down, and tell me what he
said!”
 
Brain saw Daphne move to sit down in the chair across from him, and saw her
playing with a ring on her finger.  ‘What the fuck is it with these two and not
getting to the fucking point,’ he thought.  Of course he knew, deep down, that
he was no better than they were.  He wasn’t one to share his feelings,
thoughts, or hell anything with people.  He had learned that lesson well when
he was growing up.  ‘Maybe if I had just said something to Justin, just talked
to him once in a while, we wouldn’t be here now,’ he realized.  ‘Fuck!  When
did this become MY fault?  I’m not entirely at fault for this.  If it’s
anyone’s fault it’s Hobbs,’ he rationalized.  But deep down, Brian knew he
couldn’t even blame it all on that asshole Hobbs.  He was at least partly to
blame for the current situation.  Brian Kinney did what he did best when things
got too much – he ignored the problem.  Brian had shut down, and tried to test
the waters.  ‘I knew that Justin loved me, I guess . . . maybe I just knew it
wouldn’t last.’  His mother told him she loved him when he was young, his
father may have said it once or twice too, but he couldn’t remember.  Mickey,
Deb, Lindsey, his gym teacher, Mark. . .  ‘No I can’t think of him,’ he thought
quickly.  ‘I thought Justin was different.  I thought he could deal with who I
was.  I thought he’d always be there.  So I pushed him away.  What the fuck was
I thinking?’
 
Brian was brought out of his thoughts by Daphne beginning her story, forcing
Brian to sit forward and listen.  He had to know what was going on.  If nothing
else, he didn’t want Justin gone.  He wouldn’t be able to live with himself is
he was the ‘cause of any more problems for the young man.  ‘I’ve caused him
enough pain,’ he told himself.  “Well he said he was going to talk to his mom. 
I guess he was going to get some money from her for a ticket or something, but
I don’t know.  He didn’t say.”
 
Brian closed his eyes shaking his head.  “And,” he almost yelled.  ‘She’s as
frustrating as Justin is at times.’
 
“Okay.  God, you’re worse than a woman,” she stated.  Brian felt like he wanted
to reach across the distance between them and slap her silly.  ‘Worse than a
woman,’ he thought.  ‘You’re one to fucking talk.’  “Anyway -- as I was trying
to say before you interrupted me -- he was saying stuff like getting a fresh
start, and that he felt lost.  He said he wanted to go someplace where no one
knew him so that he could figure stuff out.”
 
“What stuff,” Brian asked. 
 
Brian saw Daphne shrug, and he realized that she was just as lost in this mess
as he was.  He could feel for her, and almost felt bad for putting her through
his bullshit tonight.  Brian knew that Daphne was hurting just as much as he
was.  He also knew that he was in a great deal of pain.  Losing Justin had left
a large whole inside of himself that he never knew existed.  Now all he wanted
to do was find a way to fill that whole before he fell into the abyss of
depression himself.  Brian had never been one to believe in love, and taking
chances, but he had done both with Justin.  Now he wasn’t sure -- now that his
walls were shattered -- that he could go back to the way he was before.  He
didn’t know if he wanted to. 
 
“I don’t know really what he has planned, but he told me that there’s just too
much here, and he didn’t think he could take it anymore.  Not that I blame
him,” she said, and Brian saw her stand again.  “I mean come on; everyone has
just treated him like shit since the two of you broke up.  Michael’s being an
ass, which I knew was going to happen, since Michael hates Justin and loves
you.  But Ted, Mel . . . Deb . . . . I mean God, what the hell does he have
here,” she finished, and Brian felt the sadness and anger flow off of her.  ‘Or
is that my anger,’ he thought.  ‘How the hell could they all just shut him
out?  I didn’t ask for that.  I didn’t want that to happen.  No fucking wonder
he’s a mess right now.  FUCK!’  Brian knew that once he found Justin and talked
to him, he would go and talk to the ‘gang’ and tell them how it was.  He
wouldn’t let them use him as an excuse to be rude to Justin.  He wouldn’t allow
that.
 
“FUCK,” he exclaimed letting her know that he had no idea what had been going
on.  However, before he could say anything more, Daphne’s phone rang.
 
Brian watched as Daphne picked it up, and sat silently hoping that it was
Justin.  “Oh hi, Ms. Taylor,” she said.  Brian had to smile slightly.  ‘Okay so
it’s not my Taylor, but it is one of them.  MY Taylor,’ he thought with a
slight stab of fear.  ‘Where the hell did that come from?’  Shaking his head,
he figured that he would deal with that later, after they found Justin.  ‘What
better way than the person whom Justin went to go and see.’  Brian sat back and
continued to listen to the one-sided conversation.  If he could get to Justin
first, all the better. “What!?. . . No he’s not here . . . I don’t know, but
I’ll try and find him.”  Brian heard this and immediately became alert.  Justin
was gone, and by the sounds of it, he left his mother’s in a hurry.  Brian
silently swore to himself.  He would just have to wait for Daphne to get off
the phone to fill him in, but he knew that every second wasted was just more
time for Justin to get away from him.  “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him . . . I
promise. . . Yea, I’ll call you as soon as I see him . . . Don’t worry . . .
Okay, I promise. . . I’ll tell him . . . No, stay there and take care of Molly
. . . Is he gone? Good. . . Okay, I’ll call you soon . . . Okay, bye.”
 
Brian watched as Daphne set the phone down on the table and just stood there in
shock.  “What happened,” he asked hoping to drag her out of her shock.  The
last thing he needed was for her to lose it.  Justin’s life could be in danger,
and Brian wouldn’t allow anyone to stand in his way in order for him to get to
the young artist.  Nothing would stop him getting to Justin if he was in
danger.
 
Brian froze as he saw the scared look in Daphne’s eyes.  “Mr. Taylor was
there,” she began, and Brian felt as if the world stopped spinning.  He knew
that he needed to get to Justin NOW!  “He just turned and left.  Ms. Taylor’s
worried.”
 
Brian closed his eyes, and swallowed the bile that threatened to rise in this
throat.  ‘If Craig Taylor touched a hair on Justin’s head, I will kill the son
of a bitch,’ he swore.  “Okay,” Brian began, standing.  Placing his hands on
her shoulders, he shook her gently to get her to help him.  “Go and check out
anywhere you think he might be.  I don’t know, places that two of you used to
hang out, whatever.  I’m going to check out some places myself.  As soon as one
of us finds him, call the other.  Okay?”
 
Daphne nodded, and Brian saw her square her shoulders.  ‘That’s my girl,’ He
thought.  “Let’s go,” she said as the two headed out of the apartment to try
and find Justin.
 
****************
 
For the past two hours, Brian has combed the city trying to find some sign of
where Justin maybe.  His frustration was building to enormous proportions, as
each place he could think of showed no sign of the young artist.  Brian had
just finished talking to Daphne, and knew that she as having as much luck as he
was.  ‘Dammit, Justin!  Where the fuck are you,’ he swore to himself.  Brian
knew that he had to find Justin immediately.  He had to know what was going on,
and all he knew thusfar was that something happened at his mother’s house, and
that Justin was planning on leaving.  Brian decided he would check one last
time on Liberty Ave, hoping that Justin had come back here.  He wasn’t going to
give up until he found him. 
 
Parking his car in one of the alleys behind Woody’s, Brian got out, and made
his way toward the bar.  He remembered when Justin was suffering from the
inability of using his hand; he had come here and gotten drunk.  Brian only
hoped that Justin had come here.  Of course he didn’t like the idea of Justin
trying to find comfort in the alcohol and drugs, but he knew that he couldn’t
think bad upon it either.  ‘How many times have I lost myself in the sex,
drugs, and alcohol,’ he thought.  ‘I can’t fault him in doing the same thing I
always do.’
 
Brian walked into the bar, silently praying that none of the guys were there. 
The last thing he wanted to do was deal with them right now.  He had more
important things to handle right now, than Michael’s bitching.  Scanning the
Friday Night crowd, Brian spotted his target sitting at the bar.  Breathing a
sigh of relief, Brian made his way cautiously over to Justin.  He didn’t want
to scare the young man off.  Taking the seat next to Justin, Brian looked him
over.  He immediately saw that Justin was quickly on his way to getting drunk. 
When Justin motioned for the bartender to bring him another drink, Brian shook
his head at the man.  “I think you’ve had enough, Justin.  Don’t you?”
 
Justin didn’t even look at him, which caused a slight pain in Brian’s chest. 
“Fuc’ off, Brian.  I’ll say when I’ve had enough,” he slurred slightly.  “And
I’m just getting started.”  Justin turned to look him in the eye, and Brian
flinched when he saw the look in the younger man’s eyes.
 
Justin was visibly high on something -- what Brian didn’t know.  But it was the
empty look in the man’s eyes that caused Brian’s heart to break.  Brian shook
his head in disbelief.  He hated to see Justin in this condition.  “Come on, I
say you’ve had enough.  We’re getting out of here,” Brian said as he laid down
some money on the counter, and pulled slightly at Justin’s arm.
 
“Fuck off,” Justin yelled.  Ignoring the out burst and glares from the other
customers, Brian just continued to pull Justin out of the bar, and toward the
jeep.  “Let go of me,” Justin said as he tried to pull his arm from Brian’s
grasp.  When the two reached the jeep, Brian pushed Justin against the
passenger door, and pinned him there.  “Let me go,” he heard Justin quietly
beg.
 
Brian closed his eyes, gathering strength he needed to say no to Justin.  He
couldn’t let Justin go no matter what.  He opened the door, and pushed Justin
in.  “Now,” he began as he started to strap Justin in.  “We’re going back to
the loft, and you’re going to sober up.  Then we’re going to talk. 
Understand?”  Brian noted that Justin just sat where he was placed, refusing to
look at him or even move.  “Justin,” he said reaching around to cup the younger
man’s chin.  Pulling Justin’s face so that he could look into the man’s eyes,
Brian rested his forehead against Justin’s.  “Everything is going to be okay. 
Trust me, alright.” 
 
Justin didn’t respond to him, so Brian just sighed and moved toward his side of
the car.  As the jeep moved through the streets on the way toward the loft,
Brian would steal an occasional glance at Justin.  He noted that Justin only
moved enough to lay his head against the passenger window and stared out at the
passing scenery.  Seeing Justin in this position caused a tightness in his
chest.  Justin was obviously suffering a great deal, and all Brian wanted to do
was try and ease some of that for him.  Justin had been through so much this
past year, and he didn’t need anymore crap thrown at him. 
 
Brian was determined to try and break through the fog that had suddenly
surrounded the young man.  No matter what, he would try and bring Justin back. 
‘We’ll get through this, Justin.  Trust me.  I won’t let anything happen to
you.  I promise.  You just have to trust me,’ Brian thought as he pulled up to
his building. 
 
**************
 
Justin stood by the elevator as Brian opened the loft door, and motioned him
in.  Taking slow, careful steps, he walked into his former home, and just stood
inside the door.  Never taking his eyes off of the older man, Justin watched as
Brian made his way over to the kitchen and began the coffee pot.  ‘Like that
will make it all go away,’ Justin thought bitterly.  ‘Trust Brian to try and
fix things.  What a fucking joke.’
 
“Why don’t you take a shower,” Justin heard Brian say.  Justin just laughed
bitterly at the suggestion.  “Trust me, you’ll feel better afterwards.”
 
Justin suddenly turned on the other man, with hate, and anger filling his
entire being.  “Feel better!  What a fucking joke, Brian!  What the FUCK do you
know?  What will make me feel better?”  Justin just turned away and moved over
to the window.  ‘I can’t lose it now,’ he thought trying to calm himself.  He
felt like he was slipping away, and he didn’t know what he was doing.  Justin
knew that he just wasn’t in control anymore.  He felt as if some alien came and
took control of his life, of his feelings, of his emotions.  The only thing he
knew deep down was that he really didn’t want to dump everything on Brian. 
‘Brian doesn’t deserve anymore of my fucking drama.  But dammit, don’t I have a
right to be pissed at him.  If he had just fucking listened once in awhile,
then I wouldn’t be in this state now,’ he thought clenching his hands tightly. 
 
Justin didn’t notice Brian come up behind him until he felt the hands on his
shoulders, gently massaging them.  This motion – instead of calming him –
infuriated Justin more.  However, he just stood there, tightening his fists,
drawing blood.  What was worse, was that Brian’s calming voice, soothing voice
was only agitating Justin more.  “Justin, I’m just trying to help.  Now, why
don’t you just take a shower, calm down, get some rest, and we’ll talk about
what’s bothering you once things calm down a little bit.  I know that it seems
like everything is fucked up right now, but I want to help you.  If you’ll let
me.”
 
Suddenly Brian’s touch felt like fire to Justin.  Brian’s calm, loving voice,
and his soothing hands lit a fire within Justin that he had hoped he could just
ignore.  Now Brian had unknowing unleashed the beast, and opened the doors that
Justin had been carefully constructing.  Moving away from Brian, Justin laughed
bitterly at the older man.  “Everything is fucked up?  Well no shit, Brian. 
God, I’m glad to see that all of your college education didn’t go to waste.”
 
Justin saw Brian clench his jaw, trying to keep his own anger inside him.  But
Justin didn’t care anymore.  Let Brian be angry, why not – Justin was.  “You’re
angry,” Brian began, but Justin didn’t want to hear anymore.
 
Justin turned on Brian, and knew that he had nothing to lose.  ‘Why not, it’s
not like I have anything left to lose anymore anyway.  I mind as well let Brian
know what I never had the fucking nerve to tell him before,’Justin smiled. 
“You’re damn right I’m angry Brian.  Why shouldn’t I be?  But you know what? 
You want to know what’s wrong.  You want to try and fix me?  That’s right. . .
The great Brian Fucking Kinney coming to the rescue.  He’ll fix Justin right
up.  It’s what you do best, isn’t it?”  Justin turned away and began to pace
around the loft.  He had to keep moving, he just had to.  Justin felt that if
he stayed in one place for any length of time, he would lose his nerve, and he
couldn’t do that.  Life was just too overwhelming for him right now, and he had
to lash out before he truly lost himself.  Deep down he hated that Brian was
the one that he was attacking, ‘cause he never would want to hurt the man he
loved.  But Justin had no control over anything right now, and he just couldn’t
contain it any longer. 
 
When Justin saw that Brian was going to say something, he immediately turned to
stare at the man.  “No, don’t say a fucking word.  You want to know?  Well then
just stand there while I tell you a story.  And for once in your fucking life
listen.  Really listen,” Justin stated.  Seeing that Brian had moved to sit on
the back of the couch, Justin began to move again, pacing back and forth.  He
wanted to say things rationally, to get a point across, but none of his
thoughts would come together.  His mind was like a shattered mirror – pieces
scattered in front of him – and he was afraid that if he touched them, if he
let them to the surface, he would be cut.  “God, I tried, Brian, I really did. 
I tried everything to make you love me. . . but nothing worked did it?  I tried
to push my way into your life, I tried to do everything that you wanted me to
do.  I fucked other guys, no matter how repulsed I was.  I would stand by as
you try and fuck Michael for fucksake.” 
 
Justin saw Brian flinch at that comment, and he knew that he had struck a
cord.  Latching onto something to make Brian feel just a fraction of the pain
that he himself was feeling; gave Justin a power that he didn’t know he
wanted.  He didn’t think that he ever wanted to cause Brian pain, but he didn’t
care anymore.  He wanted to be left alone; he wanted to have a clean slate, no
connections when he left this city.  He wanted Brian to hate him.  ‘Everyone
else does, why not Brian,’ he thought.  “Didn’t think I would know about that,
did you,” he pressed on.  “I saw you Brian, at the comic book store.  Kissing
Michael, grabbing his dick, telling him you wanted to fuck him.  I was there. 
Not that either one of you noticed, but I was there.”
 
“Oh and let’s not forget about how you chose your fucking job over me,” he
laughed.  Once again, he stopped Brian from making any comment.  “Oh yeah, you
were going to lose your job if you didn’t go.  But guess what, Brian.  You
won’t even fucking have a job if it wasn’t for me.  How do you think that made
me feel?  I almost let that idiot Kip fuck me to save your job, and you just
blow me off like yesterday’s news.”  Justin saw even more shock and suddenly
recognition on Brian’s face.  Justin moved in closer to Brain so that he could
look the other man in the eyes.  He was out for blood, and Justin didn’t care
anymore.  He was going to wield the bat this time.  He was going to be in
control of the situation.  He was going to have a say in his life.  “I saw him
coming here that night.  Remember.  I stood at the top of the steps, and
watched as he came in here.  Was he good, Brian?  Was he?”
 
Justin saw Brian close his eyes, and he smiled to himself.  “What did you do,”
he heard Brian ask quietly.
 
“I saw him at Woodys, and cornered him in the alley.  Told him that you weren’t
my type, and that he was.  He took me back to his place, and started to try and
suck me off.  I told him that I had to be home soon, or else my parents would
be mad.  Told him that the last person I was with ended up in jail when my
father found out, and that I was only seventeen.”  Justin laughed and shook his
head.  “I can’t believe he fucking fell for that.  I mean it’s not like
anything could be done, I was of legal age.  But he bought it.  I told him I
wouldn’t tell dear ol’ dad, if he would do something for me.”
 
“Drop the suit against me,” Brian said shaking his head.  Justin knew that
Brian had always suspected, but had never had any real proof.  That was until
now.  “Why?”
 
“Why?  Because I loved you, or don’t you know that,” Justin stated as if it was
the most obvious thing in the world.  Justin shook his head, as thoughts began
to run rampant around his mind.  It was getting harder to think straight. 
Thoughts just kept moving to the front of his consciousness and he couldn’t
keep them at bay any longer.  They were coming out of his mouth before he even
had a chance to try and shove them aside.  “You know I should’ve listened to
Michael.  He told me you would never change . . . but NO I just had to try and
change you.  I had to keep pushing you didn’t I?
 
“But I always seem to fuck up, don’t I?  I mean, if I hadn’t done that then you
would’ve come with me.  If I hadn’t tried to make it on my own, then Sap
wouldn’t have tried to fucking rape me.  If I hadn’t been in doubt about your
feelings for me after your pissing on my work, then I never would’ve believed
Ethan.  I never would’ve left.  If we had just fucking talked, instead of
fucking.  God,” he yelled grabbing a hold of his head.  He was quickly losing
it, and he felt like his head was going to explode.  “If I hadn’t fucking
jerked Chris off, if I hadn’t confronted him outside on the street, then I
never would’ve been bashed.  If I. . .”
 
Justin felt Brian grab a hold of him, bringing his body against the other
man’s.  “If I wasn’t gay, then my father would love me,” Justin said reaching
around Brian, holding him as if he was a lifeline.  “He wouldn’t have said
that.”
 
“What did he say, Justin,” he heard Brian whisper in his ear.  “What did he
say?  Tell me, let me help you.”
 
Justin felt as if he was drowning.  Justin clung to Brian tighter, hoping that
Brian would be able to keep him afloat.  “He said that he wished Chris had just
finished . . . he said I was dead to him,” Justin cried.  He felt drained, and
clung to Brian harder as he cried over his lose.  Pulling back slightly, Justin
reached up and placed his hand on Brian’s cheek.  “Should I be dead, Brian? 
Would it have made everyone’s life better,” he asked knowing that Brian would
never lie to him. 
 
Justin had to know.  He just had to.
 
***************
 
‘That fucking, Craig,’  Brian thought.  ‘I’ll fucking kill the bastard.’  Brian
looked down at Justin’s trusting blue eyes, and sighed.  He hated to see this
much pain etched in the young man’s eyes.  “No, Justin.  I don’t think I
could’ve lived, if you had died.  I know I wouldn’t have wanted to live,” he
said pulling Justin’s hand into his own.  Suddenly Brian felt something wet in
his palm.  Turning Justin’s hand over he saw the slight specks of blood on the
pale skin.  Flashed entered his mind unwittingly – Justin laying on the cement
floor of the parking garage, blood pouring out of his head.  Once again, Brian
felt like he was to blame for Justin being hurt.  “Come on,” he calmly stated. 
‘Not that I feel calm.  I feel like someone just opened up my chest and ripped
it all to shreds,’ he thought.  ‘But I have to help Justin.  I can’t worry
about myself right now.  I can deal with the fall out later, but Justin needs
me.  I can’t let him down again.’  “Let’s go get something for your hand.” 
 
Brian tried to move Justin over to the sink in the kitchen, but he felt Justin
freeze in his spot.  Turning to look at him, Brian saw the need replace the
pain in Justin’s eyes.  “Brian,” he began.  Brian stepped closer to Justin, and
looked down at him.  “I feel so numb.  I feel so lost.  Help me to feel
something.  Please?  Please, I need you.”  Brian placed his hands on Justin’s
cheeks and slowly caressed the soft skin beneath his fingers. 
 
Brian leaned in and lightly brushed his lips against Justin’s, not really
touching, but feeling the connection all the same.  He felt like he was coming
home after being away for years – lost somewhere in the north pole.  He
realized that he had been going through the motions of existing, since he had
pushed Justin out of his life all those weeks ago.  He had only been half a
person.  Now, holding Justin in his arms, feeling the younger man run his hands
across the back of his neck, feeling his lips, his skin beneath his own – Brian
felt whole once again.  Brian moved his lips from Justin’s mouth to his ear. 
Lightly licking the delicate flesh between his ear and his neck, Brian sighed
contently.  “I’ll never let you go, Justin.  I can’t let you go.  I need you,”
he whispered in the younger man’s ear.  ‘I love you,’ he thought, unable to say
anymore as Justin pulled Brian’s mouth to his own. 
 
Brian plunged his tongue deep into Justin’s mouth, loving the feeling of the
soft lips on his own, the feeling of Justin’s tongue dueling with his own. 
Brian ran his hands down the front of Justin’s chest until he reached the
bottom of his shirt.  He could feel Justin make short work of the buttons on
his own shirt, as he stopped the kiss long enough to pull the offensive item
off of Justin.  No words were needed as they continued to undress, trying to
feel every inch of the other as they continued to kiss, and caress each other. 
Brian groaned as Justin pulled away from him.  He needed to feel Justin against
him, and felt the loss of him immediately.  The feeling was short lived,
however, as Justin grabbed his hand and lead him toward the bedroom.
 
Brian laid on top of Justin in the middle of the bed, and began to trail open-
mouth kissed down the man’s body.  Stopping long enough to take the small gold
nipple ring into his mouth, Brian lightly pulled on it.  Brian felt Justin’s
sudden intake of breath, and then Justin’s hands in his hair pulling him up so
that their lips could meet again.  Brian felt like he was just offered the
world, as Justin handed him a condom and the lube.  “Please, Brian.  I need
you. . .now,” he panted, trying to catch his breath.  Brian knew what he was
feeling, ‘cause he felt it too.  There were so many emotions running rampage
within him, that he felt like if he didn’t connect with Justin soon, he would
explode. 
 
Brian placed some lube on his fingers, and began to run them along Justin’s
hole.  Sliding two fingers into the opening, Brian watched as Justin’s face
glow in ecstasy.  He began to slide his fingers in and out of Justin, going
deeper with each thrust.  Brian leaned down and looked into Justin’s eyes.  “Is
this what you need, Justin,” he asked wanting to be sure.  He wanted Justin to
have no regrets about this night.  Even if he couldn’t say the words that
Justin needed to hear, he had to let the younger man know what he meant to
him.  After tonight, Brian wasn’t going to let Justin go again.  He didn’t
think he would be able to survive. 
 
“Yes,” Justin told him, pulling his mouth toward Justin’s own awaiting lips.
 
Brian pulled back enough to move Justin’s legs over his shoulders, giving each
a kiss on the inside of the knees.  God how he loved this young man.  No one
had been able to give him as much pleasure as Justin had, and Brian knew that
no one ever would.  Rolling the condom on his dick, Brian looked down at his
lover’s face.  He saw Justin’s eyes full of lust, love, and trust.  Brian knew
that his eyes must show the same emotions.  “Are you sure,” he asked one more
time.  He needed to be sure that this was what Justin wanted. 
 
“Just do it, Brian.  Please,” Justin begged him.  Brian closed his eyes in
relief the plunged his staff deep within Justin’s awaiting hole.  ‘God, he
feels so good,’Brian thought.  ‘How did I ever think I could live without
this?’ 
 
Brian began to push deep into Justin, pulling out until the head of his cock
was almost out, then pushing back in harder, and deeper than before.  Leaning
down he grabbed Justin’s face and began to push his tongue into Justin’s mouth,
mimicking the motion below.  “God, Justin . . . Fuck . . . You’re so hot . . .
feel so good,” he panted against his lover’s lips before continuing his
assault. 
 
Brian pushed in deeper hitting the spot deep within that Brian knew would drive
Justin crazy.  Brian felt Justin pull his lips away and turn his head to the
side in pure bliss.  Brian took advantage, running his tongue from Justin’s
chin, to his Adam’s apple, then up to Justin’s magic spot behind his ear.  With
each thrust Brian would push both of them closer to the edge.  He knew that
neither one of them would last much longer, as he felt Justin begin to wrap
tighter around his cock.  “Fuck . . . Brian.  I’m coming . . . God,” Justin
shouted as he began to cum, shooting his load between their sweat-slicked
bodies. 

Feeling Justin’s cum on his skin and the grip around his cock pushed Brian over
the edge.  Shooting his load within the condom, Brian cried out in ecstasy. 
“Justin!”  He pulled Justin’s lips back to his own, not wanting the connection
to end yet.  Breaking the kiss, Brian tried to catch his breath.  He leaned in
and rested his forehead against Justin’s.  Brian rolled off Justin and pulled
the younger man closer to his body.  Brian knew that Justin had fallen into a
deep sleep exhausted.  He only wished that he could take away Justin’s pain. 
“I love you,” he whispered, hoping that the young man would understand, and
accept what he had to offer.
 
Feeling his eyelids begin to drop, Brian pulled the younger man even closer to
his body.  He needed the connection.  Feeling content, Brian began to allow
sleep to take him.  He knew that the two still had a lot to talk about, but for
now, he was content.  ‘He’ll be here in the morning, and I’ll tell him
everything that he needs to hear,’ he thought.  Kissing the top of Justin’s
head, he sighed.  “Everything will be better in the morning, Sunshine.  I
promise.  I love you,” he said as he allowed his eyes to close.
 
*********************
 
Brian awoke, and reached to his side for Justin.  Feeling only empty space
beside him, Brian immediately sat up in bed.  “Justin,” he called out.  Fear
began to creep its way into his chest, crippling him.  Standing, he quickly
made his way into the living room, and looked around.  “Justin?” 
 
As he walked over to the kitchen, he noticed something that made his heart stop
in his chest.  Brian sat down on one of the stools, leaning his head against
the surface of the bar.  He couldn’t breath.  He felt like he was having a
heart attack.  “Why, Justin?  Why,” he cried as the tears began to fall down
his face.  Once again he had failed. 
 
Sitting against the smooth surface of the counter, sat a stack of letters
written in Justin’s elegant handwriting. 
 
Justin was gone.
 
INTERLUDE_#1
 
                                 Can't you see
                           You mean everything to me
                              You're in my heart
                            You've touched my soul
                           You're all I'll ever need
                              And it hurts so bad
                          Not to have you by my side
                       Nothing's right; I cry all night
                          Just waiting for your call
               I'll be waiting for you till the sun don't shine
                    I will wish on a star to make you mine
               I'll be dreaming all night that you're by my side
                            I'll be waiting for you
                         -- I'll Be Waiting by Soluna
 
Brian:
 
He’s gone.  FUCK!  I can’t believe that I honestly thought that he would stay. 
I should’ve known better.  Justin always does what he says he’ll do.  But why
the fuck did he actually have to follow through with this fucking plan.  Now
he’s gone, and I have no clue where he’s at.  And what the hell was that shit
last night?  When did Mikey say that shit to Justin?  Was it when they were
spending all that time on the comic book, or was it another time?  And if
Justin saw Mikey and I why did he listen to a word that he had to say?  Fuck! 
Everything is so messed up. 
 
Deep down, I knew that Justin had something to do with Kip dropping the suit,
but I didn’t really want to believe that either.  Why would someone do that for
me, when all I do is treat them like crap?  And he never asked for anything in
return.   That’s what shocks the hell out of me, really.  Normally when someone
does something like that they expect something.  But Justin never once let on
that he had done that?  Why?  What did he want out of it?  I know the answer to
that one, if I really want to accept it is another question.  It’s just like he
had said.  He loved me, and he didn’t want to see me hurt. 
 
I knew that working for Sap was a bad idea, but I didn’t think that the asshole
would try and rape Justin.  That was one thing that never crossed my mind. 
Drugs, sexual favors . . .yes, I thought of those.  But rape?  Fuck, and he
didn’t tell me.  He just told me that he had realized it was a bad idea, and
that he had to know when to ask for help.  But then again, these last couple of
months, we never did talk.  It was almost all physical.  I should’ve seen this
coming, but I didn’t.  Or maybe I did but didn’t want to acknowledge it.  Who
knows.
 
I do know that I can’t live in what if’s, or should’ve done this, or that. 
Nothing I think or feel right now will make a damn bit of difference.  The end
will still be the same.  He’s hurting and he’s gone. 
 
And what the fuck is this about what his father said.  I knew that he was an
asshole, but Justin still wanted to hold out hope that his father would
change.  I tried to tell him, but he didn’t listen.  Telling your own son that
you wished him dead, that to you he was dead.  Okay, so I had the same shit
with my old man, but I never had the type of relationship with my father that
Justin had with his.  He had something that I never did, and I guess I couldn’t
really understand. 
 
I reach for the stack of letters sitting on the counter, taunting me, and pull
them closer.  He has one for everyone.  When did he write these?  And how the
hell didn’t I notice him not in bed with me last night.  Normally, I can tell
the moment he leaves my arms.  I hate to think that I got so used to him not
being here, that I just let him slip through my fingers yet again. 
 
I find the one addressed to me, and I slowly open it.  Seeing Justin’s
handwriting, causes a pang of guilt to crash through me.  He didn’t think that
he could even talk to me, he knew that I’d try to talk him out of it. 
 
Taking a deep breath I begin to read his final thoughts.  God I hope it’s not
the end.  Please don’t let this be over.
 
Dear Brian -
 
I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything that I have put you
through. I really am.  I can’t take back anything that I’ve done, or said, or
anything, and for the most part, I don’t want to.  But if I could take back one
thing it would be hurting you.  I knew what you were like when we started down
this road, and I knew that you wouldn’t change, but I still tried.  In trying,
I had almost destroyed you.  I’m sorry if being with me ruined things for you,
or made things harder for you, I never meant to hurt you.  I hope you believe
me on that.  If I could take it back, make things right I would.  I hope you
know that it was never my intention to hurt you, and know that no matter what I
do love you.  I always will.
 
 Know that I'm fine.  I have to do this.  I hope you understand.  I just have
no idea what is going on anymore, and I don't think I can continue in the state
that I am.  I have to see if I can make it on my own before I can even think
about anything else. 

Please understand.
 
I have been pretty messed up, as I’m sure you could tell by last night’s little
drama.  I don’t know what got into me.  I never meant to take all that shit out
on you, and frankly, I never wanted you to know half of that shit.  But anyway,
thank-you, for helping me out.  I know that I can never repay you for all you
have done for me over the past two years.
 
Know that all I ever wanted, and maybe unfortunately still want, is you.  That
is why I did everything I did, it was because I thought that it was the only
way to have you.  I can say now, that it wasn’t me.  I know that.  The
Tricking, hell everything, it wasn’t me.  Somewhere along the line, I lost
myself, and in turn I started to destroy you.  I thought that I wanted what
Ethan had to offer, and in a way I did, or do.  But I realized that I don’t
want that, unless it’s with you.  I lied to myself, and more importantly to
you.  I wish I had never done it, but it’s done, and now it’s all over. 
 
I know now, that I didn’t love Ethan, I only thought I loved what he had to
offer.  I walked out with him that day, because I was angry at you.  I was
angry that I was told you wanted to see me, and when I found you . . . well we
both know how I found you.  It hurts me, it really does, and I --being a
complete idiot—never once told you that.  I just went along with whatever you
wanted.  Oh well, but that’s done.  Like everything in my life right now, it’s
over.  As I’m sure you know, Michael and I are still not talking, and I don’t
think that we can ever work together again.  I don’t think that I could see him
again, knowing the position I put him in.  I feel bad for all of it, and I’m
sorry that I did what I did.
 
I wish things could have been different, that I was stronger, that we could’ve
just talked about what we wanted, and worked things out.  But I know that it’s
entirely my fault.  I was supposed to be the strong one; I was supposed to be
the one who could open up for the both of us.  That’s the way it’s always
been.  But I found out I’m not strong.  Hobbs not only took away my innocence,
he also took a lot more away from me.  I didn’t realize it then, but I sure as
hell do now.  I wish I could go back and change things, but I can’t.  I don’t
have it in me anymore. 
 
I hope that you don’t think that what we had is like every relationship.  Cause
it’s not.  At least I don’t think it is, but then again, I don’t think I’m the
best person to decide that.  I wish things were different, that I was
different, but I’m not.  I want more out of my life than what we had, and I
know that it is not in you.  I’m sorry for ever putting you through my little
drama.  Please understand that it wasn’t you.  I was at fault in this
relationship.  I was the one who had tried to  make you change.  I was the one
who came up with the stupid rules, all of which I broke.  I was the one who
couldn’t deal, not you.  I wasn’t ready, I guess.  Everyone was right when they
said I was too young to understand.  I didn’t think it was true then, but now I
do.  I just didn’t have it in me.  Maybe before, but since the bashing, I don’t
anymore.
 
People say that things like that change a person.  I didn’t think that I had
changed that much.  But now I know that I have.  I have changed more so than I
was willing to admit.  I wanted to talk about it, with anyone, but as you know
it didn’t work out that way.  I don’t blame you for that, I can’t.  I know that
I wasn’t the only victim of the attack, and I know that you were hurt just as
much – if not more – than me.  I do know however, I have lost everything in the
past couple of years, and I have amazed myself in that I haven’t lost it
completely.  You were the one who had always given me strength.  I just wish I
had been able to give some of it back. You wanted to make me the best queer
that I could be.  I just wish I had been able to give you that. 
 
Please don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.  I don’t want you to have to ever
worry about me, or pay for anything for me again.  I need to try and find my
own way.  I have to if I am ever going to survive.  I’m leaving Pitts.  Maybe
getting away from here, I can find the young, innocent, and sometimes nieve
twink that I was before.  The one who would not take no for an answer.  Maybe
I can be myself again.  If not for anyone but myself.  I want you to be proud
of me again, since I know I’ve lost any respect that you’ve had for me.  I did
it, not you.
 
I know that right now you hate me, and I don’t blame you at all.  I hate myself
right now, so why shouldn’t anyone else.  I’ve heard it all from everyone
here.  Deb, Emmett, Ted, Lindsey, Mel, Daphne, Michael.  Everyone.  My only
wish or dream is . . . I just hope that someday in the future we can be
friends.  I know that we have never really been that to each other, but I hope
that we can.  Maybe one day, when we can get past the hurt I’ve caused you, and
I’ve caused myself. 
 
I will always love you, Brian.  That will never change.
 
I’m sorry for all I’ve done and couldn’t do for you.
 
Love Always
Justin Taylor
 
P.S. I was listening to one of Daphne’s CD’s the other day, and one of the
songs rang so true on  how I feel about you.  Please don’t take this the wrong
way, but I still do love you.  I think I always will.  As I said, I can only
hope that one day you’ll forgive me.’
 
‘I’ll Be Waiting by Soluna
 
  Can't you see
  You mean everything to me
  You're in my heart
  You've touched my soul
  You're all I'll ever need
  And it hurts so bad
  Not to have you by my side
  Nothing's right; I cry all night
  Just waiting for your call
 
  I'll be waiting for you till the sun don't shine
  I will wish on a star to make you mine
  I'll be dreaming all night that you're by my side
  I'll be waiting for you
  Said I'll be waiting for you till the end of time
  Can't you see that I need you in my life
  You're all that I want; I can't deny
  I'll be waiting for you
 
  Love is hard
  When the days can seem so far
  We were both inseparable
  And now we're torn apart
  I refuse to try again
  To love to someone new
  Cuz what we shared was heavenly
  Like a rose that's in full bloom
 
  You make me so happy
  I never thought I'd lose you
  You're love was and still is
  The only thing I run to
 
  Every minute of every hour
  You know I'll be waiting for you ‘
 
 
I set the letter down, running a hand over my face – feeling wetness on my
cheeks and eyes.  I never even noticed the tears.  I need to get out of here, I
can’t fucking breathe.  Everything reminds me of him.  I need answers and I
think I fucking deserve them.  It’s time to get out and deliver the rest of
these letters, and see just where it leads me.  I can only hope that this
nightmare will be over soon.
 
***************
 
Daphne:
 
I woke up this morning actually happy.  Brian had found Justin last night, and
I knew, or at least thought I knew, that Brian would get Justin to listen -- to
stay.  God, how wrong I was. 
 
I woke up and noticed the letter sitting on my night stand, and all I could do
was stare at it.  When I read it, god, I felt like my life was over.  I can’t
believe I thought things would be okay.
 
Daphne –
 
I wanted to let you know, that by the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone. 
I’m leaving.  I know you didn’t really want me to go, and wanted to try and
talk me out of it, and for that I’m grateful.  You are the only friend I have
right now, and I hate to leave you.  But you know what I’m going through, Daph,
and I hope you understand why I have to go.  Everything has just gotten too
much for me to handle anymore.  Everyone there resents me, (well except for
you, Emmett, Lindsey, mom, and Molly), and I have to try and find some peace. 
 
I’m glad that you know what I’m really going through.  No one, not even mom,
knows.  PTSD.  Wow, here I thought I was over it.  But I know now that I’m
not.  Unfortunately, I hurt the one person in my life that I never wanted to
hurt.  Please watch out for Brian for me. 
 
I’ll call you everyday, (or at least every couple of days) and once I get
somewhat settled, I hope  that you’ll come and see me. 
 
I can’t stay here anymore, Daph.
Please understand.

You’re my best friend, and I love you Daph.
Your friend,
Justin
 
As soon as I read his words, I cried.  I felt so lost, that I couldn’t hold it
in anymore.  My best friend was gone to god knows where, and I was left to pick
up the pieces. 
 
I picked up the phone and dialed Brian’s phone number.  I hope he’s okay.  I
need to know what’s going on.  Why did Justin leave?  He picked up on the
second ring.  “Yea,” I heard him say.  I can tell immediately that he knows. 
He sort of had a hopeful sound to his voice, like he was hoping it was Justin
asking to come home. 
 
I hate to burst his bubble, but I can’t let him get his hopes up.  Justin’s
gone, and I don’t know what to do.  “Brian, it’s Daphne.”
 
“Oh, hey.  I guess you know,” he stated.
 
I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me.  “Yea, I just got my letter. 
What happened?  I thought. . .I thought. . .” I couldn’t even continue.  I
can’t believe that I was so stupid as to think that things would be better
after one night.  God, I’m such an idiot.

”I know, I thought so too, but I guess he had other plans.  Listen, can you do
me a favor,” he asked.

”What?”
 
I heard him sigh, like he’s trying to hold himself together.  I feel this
almost crippling need to go over there and hold him.  Don’t ask me why, I mean
he’s like 12 years older than me, but I feel like he needs it.  I know I do. 
“If he calls you,” he begins, and it’s almost like it pains him to even ask.
 
So I take pity on him.  I know what he wants, and I can understand. “I’ll let
you know.  I’ll tell him that you want to talk to him.  Can you do the same for
me,” I ask hopefully.  I don’t even want to think about Justin not calling me. 
I mean we’ve known each other for like ever.  We’ve always been there for each
other.  Okay, so there was that time our senior year, but things did get
better.  We’re closer now than we ever were.  At least that’s what I thought. 
I guess we were all wrong.
 
“I’ll let you know,” I hear him say.  “Don’t worry, we’ll find him.  I’m not
giving up on this yet.  Trust me.”  And I do.  I believe that he will move
heaven and earth to find Justin and try and help him.  I never doubted that,
and I know that I never will.  No matter what I know that Brian loves Justin,
he just needs Justin to realize it.  “Look, I have some errands to run today,
I’ll talk to you later tonight.  Remember if you hear from him, call me on my
cell immediately, I don’t care what time it is.  Okay?”
 
“Okay, I promise,” I say as I hang up the phone.  All I can do now is sit by
the phone and wait for the call.  Please call Justin.  I need you.  Brian needs
you.  Don’t give up on us yet.
 
*****************
 
Deb:
 
I thought it was going to be a nice quiet day.  The guys were here at the
diner, having their normal breakfast.  Who would’ve thought that our lives were
about to change.  Especially that it would be Brian Kinney who would turn our
world upside down. 
 
So there I was standing my ‘boys’ table taking their order.  Emmett and Ted are
looking at each other, like they’ve never fucking seen each other before.  Who
would’ve ever thought that those two. . . Stranger things have happened, I
guess.  All I can say is good for them.  They deserve to be happy. 
 
I was about to turn to take their orders back, when the bell above the door
rang.  I turned to see who it was, but somehow I didn’t see him until he was
right on us.  Damn, that boy can move like a fucking panther.  I didn’t even
see it coming.  I smiled at him.  How I missed the angry scowl on his face is
beyond me, but somehow I did.  I have known Brian Kinney for a long time . . .
and unfortunately I feel that I know him pretty well.  But dammed if I’ve ever
seen him this angry before.  Before I could ask him if he wanted anything he
just threw something on the table, and began to turn.  His parting words were
“I hope you’re all fucking happy now,” and he was gone. 
 
I turn to look at Michael, wondering about the tornado that just stormed
through here, and what the hell had gotten up Brian’s ass.  “What the hell was
that about,” I ask him.
 
Michael only shrugs, as I notice Emmett pick up one of the items that Brian had
thrown down up.  I look closer and see that they’re letters.  And I have seen
enough of that handwriting to know that it belongs to our Sunshine.  Of course
my curiosity gets the better of me, as I reach for the letters.  Low and behold
there’s one addressed to Vic and myself. 
 
Now let me tell you, I have never felt the sense of dread that I felt at that
moment.  I mean the last time I saw Sunshine was two weeks ago.  I just stare
at the letter, and from Brian’s entrance I can only hope and pray that it’s not
what I think that it is.  Sunshine wouldn’t . . . would he?
 
I look up to see Emmett crying, Michael looking like he just swallowed a forty-
pound pig, Ben and Ted, just shaking their heads.  I just clench the letter
closer to my chest, then turn to get the boys’ their breakfast.  I figure that
what I had just seen, I didn’t want to read the letter now.  It was addressed
to Vic and I, and I’ll be damned if I don’t read it with him.  For the rest of
the day, the gang was silent.
 
My shift too entirely too long.  All I could think about was the letter that
was still in my hand.  For some reason, I just couldn’t let it go.  I could
only think that if I let this letter go, set it down, the Sunshine would truly
be gone.  I knew that he was gone.  How, why, what – I didn’t know, but I could
tell by the reactions of everyone that he was gone.  I only hoped that he was
still alive, and didn’t go and kill himself.  He just didn’t seem like the type
to me.  I just couldn’t believe that he would do something like that.
 
When I got home, I called for Vic to come downstairs and I hand him the
letter.  I just couldn’t read it.  I had tried. . . believe you me, I had
tried.  It was just that every time I had begun to open it, my hand refused to
cooperate.  “What’s this,” I heard him ask.
 
“Hell if I know.  All I know is that it’s from Sunshine, Brian came in and
dumped them on us, like a bat out of hell, and it isn’t good news,” I tell
him. 
 
Vic and I moved to the couch, and I watched as he opened the letter and began
to read it out loud.
 
Dear Vic and Debi –
 
I wanted to thank the both of you first and foremost for everything that the
two of you have done for me.  I wish that there was some way I could repay you,
but I don’t think that I would ever be able to.  You allowed me into your home,
and made me feel like a part of your family.  Thank-you for that.
 
I wish I could tell you that I’m sorry, and make you believe it.  But I know
that nothing I say or do right now makes a damn bit of difference.  I let you
all down.  I know I did.  I lied, cheated, and betrayed all of you.  I am
sorry.  I hope you can understand that if I could go back and change things I
would. 
 
I am sorry that I had hurt Brian, and all of you.  I wish I knew what I was
thinking at the time, but truthfully, I don’t. 
 
By the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone.  Don’t worry about me, please. 
Know that I am fine,  and that I just need time to try and come to terms with
things that have happened in the past year.  Don’t think that you are to blame
for anything that I’ve done.  Don’t think that you should’ve known, ‘cause I
didn’t even know until recently. 
 
I am sorry for any pain that I have caused you.  Please forgive me.  I’ll be
fine, and I will try and keep in touch so that you don’t worry about me.  I
hope that one day; you can all forgive me for the pain that I have caused you. 
I am sorry.
 
Thank-you for everything.  I am eternally grateful.  It is because of the two
of you that I know that I need help in order to come to terms with everything. 
You two have shown me what having strength really is.  Please take care of
yourselves.  I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to
either one of you.  I love you both, you are my family. 
 
Thank-you,
Justin
aka.  “Sunshine”
 
“What,” I cry out.  What is he thinking?  He didn’t do anything wrong.  I just
grab the letter out of Vic’s hand, and stare at it, wishing that it didn’t mean
what it had said.  I sit there just staring at this piece of paper, waiting for
my Sunshine to come through the door and tell us that this was a joke. 
 
Come on, Sunshine.  Come through that door.
 
******************
Emmett
 
There I was, just sitting there thinking that this is the best day in my life. 
I mean I have Teddy, my friends, my health . . . everything was wonderful.  At
least that was until Brian came storming into the diner.  I knew before he even
threw the letters at us and stormed right back out, that my baby was gone. 
Justin and I had talked a lot these past couple of months, heck these past
couple of weeks when Daphne wasn’t around.  I knew he was having a hard time,
and that he still loved Brian very deeply, but I didn’t think that it would be
something like this. 
 
I pulled the top letter, which was addressed to me, and opened it.  I can say
that honestly, I never knew that I could cry so hard.  At least I hadn’t since
he was hurt last year, or of course when Georgie died. 
 
Emmett:
 
I want to thank-you most of all, out of everyone (besides Lindsey and Melanie)
you have been a friend to me and I am grateful for everything that you have
done for me.  I will never forget all of the times we spent together, just
hanging out, talking about the latest fashion, or guys.  You have always been
there for me, and you have always shown me love. 
 
I just wish that I hadn’t disappointed all of you.  I know you say that you
understand what I did, but I don’t know how.  I don’t even know why I did it. 
Em, I have been having problems lately, and I haven’t told anyone about them. 
Well except Daphne, but she figured it out.  I’m sorry I wasn’t up front with
you, since you have always been there for me.  I am suffering from Post
Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the bashing last year.  I didn’t even know,
until recently.  That’s why I haven’t been myself this past year (just like you
had mentioned on numerous occasions.)
 
I wanted to let you know, however, that I am happy for you, Em.  You and Ted
are perfect for  each other, and I wish you all the best.  One of us deserves
to be happy, and I’m glad that you were able to move on after George.  I can
only hope that I am able to do the same. 
 
I don’t want you to worry about me, okay?  I know that’s a hard thing to ask
you, since I know you will.  But I will be okay.  I just need to get my head
together.  I look back on what I was like before the bashing, and I can’t help
but wonder where that young man went to.  I hope you understand why I’m doing
this.  I need the time to find myself again.  It’s like the time that you
‘found the light’.  Okay, don’t hit me. ;-) 
 
Know that I WILL be in touch.  Wherever I end up, I have to show you the sites,
and you can point out all the good looking guys to me.  Just like the old
days. 
 
I love you, Emmett.  I am grateful that you are my friend.  This changes
nothing.  You are and will always be my friend.
 
Thank-you for being there for me.
Your friend forever,
Justin
P.S. Please take care of Brian for me.  I do love him, and I don’t want him to
suffer anymore.
 
So here I was reading the letter in front of me, with tears streaming down my
face, and all I could think of was why didn’t I see it coming?  What kind of
friend was I to not see this?
 
He said he would be in touch with me, and I pray to god he will.  I have always
loved my little baby, and I can’t see my life, any of our lives without him in
it.  I know that the others have given him the evil eye, or just shut him out,
but not me Hun.  I would never do that to him.  I know that Brian and Justin
belong together, and that they both love each other very much.  I just wish
that the others could see how much the break-up had hurt him.  And it did, I
saw it. 
 
I know deep down that whenever he calls, I will be on the first plane or
whatever to go and see him.  He needs to know that I’m there for him.  That I
love him.  I just wish that he already knew that.  I just wish that he didn’t
feel like he did not belong here.  I wish I could just take away all of his
pain, and tell him everything will be alright.  I can only hope he finds what
he’s looking for.  But even if he doesn’t, I’ll make sure he knows that I’m
there for him.  No matter what.
 
******************
Ted
 
When Brian left, I looked over at Emmett.  He had grabbed the letter at the top
of the stack and began to cry.  I wanted nothing more than to take him in my
arms, and stop the tears, but I saw a letter sitting there with my name on it. 
Of course it had Ben’s name on it as well, but I guess that’s sort of
understandable.  I mean I wasn’t as close to Justin as say Emmett, or hell even
Michael. 
 
I grab the letter and begin to read.  I mean what would Justin have to say to
me?  It’s not like we were best of buddies. 
 
Ted and Ben:
 
I guess, I just wanted the two of you to know that I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for a
great deal, but I am sorry that I didn’t get to know the two of you better. 
Yeah, we hung out, and had a lot of wonderful times, but that was about it.  I
now wish that I knew more.  That we had more time. 
 
I hope you understand that I feel terrible for all the pain that I have caused
everyone.  I wish I could change what I did, or didn’t do, but I can’t.  Please
take care of yourselves.  I would never be able to forgive myself if something
happened to either one of you.
 
Ted – I wish you the best in your business.  You are a very smart man, with a
big heart.  Take care of Emmett for me.  He has been a wonderful friend to me,
and I know that my departure will hurt him.  The two of you are great for each
other.  I wish you many, many happy years together. 
 
Take care of yourselves.
Justin
 
I can say that I’m honestly shocked at what I’m reading.  I never thought that
Justin would feel like this.  And here I was a total jackass to him these past
couple of weeks.  Hell we all were.  Boy do I feel like a real ass.  I’ll do
what Justin asked.  Mainly because I always knew that he had been close to
Emmett.  I’ll take care of Emmett, and maybe when Justin comes back, we can try
and be better friends to each other.
 
******************
Ben
 
When Ted finished the letter addressed to the two of us, I take it in my hand. 
I wish that I had more time to get to know Justin better, but I also know that
it wasn’t the time.  He was trying to figure out his relationship with Brian,
while I was trying to figure out my relationship with Michael.  But we both
knew what it is like.  It’s not easy to come in the middle of a friendship like
what this small group of men and woman had.  They were a family, and they are
real choosey who they allow into their circle. 
 
I’m grateful that they had allowed me to be a part of their family, but now I’m
saddened by the loss of one of our members. 
 
I pulled open the letter and read what Justin had to say.  All the while
wishing him the best in whatever venture he decides to take part in.
 
Ben – I wish that we had more time to get to know each other.  I know what it’s
like to feel like the odd man out.  Trying to come into this little group isn’t
always easy, and I hope that we had made you feel welcome.  You are good for
Michael.  I’m glad that he found you.  Please take care of yourself.  I would
like to get to know you better, and be friends with you.  Please allow me that
opportunity.  Take care of Michael.  I know that what he did was because he
cared for Brian.  I understand.  I have a lot of regrets, but I can honestly
say that what I’ve done to Michael, is in the top five.  I hope you have a long
and happy life, Ben.  You deserve it.
 
That was always one thing that I admired about Justin.  Despite all that he had
been through these past two years, he had always tried to put others before
himself.  He always had a strong character, and knew what he wanted.  I can
only hope he finds the peace he deserves, and he longs for.  Maybe I’ll find
out where he’s at, and we can talk.  I want to help him, I think I can.  All I
have to do is wait.  Wait, and be there for the rest of the family as they
begin to allow this loss to sink in.  I don’t think that anyone would’ve
thought that one person would have such an impact on their lives.  But anyone,
even an outsider like myself, can see it.  Justin helped hold this family
together. 
 
I can only hope that everyone survives long enough for all of us to find each
other again.  I hope that this family can survive.  All I can do is be there
for them, and help them through it.  Especially Michael and Brian. 
 
******************
Michael
 
It had been a great couple of weeks, just like the old days.  Brian and I were
closer friends than ever.  At least that’s what I wanted to believe.  I knew he
was hurting from what Justin had done to him, but I also knew deep down that I
was at least in part to blame for the whole thing.  Don’t get me wrong, Justin
was wrong to do what he did to Brian, but maybe I should’ve butted out, and let
them handle it.  But I couldn’t.  Not when it was Brian. 
 
I hadn’t seen Justin since the night of the Rage party, and I was beginning to
wonder what was going to happen.  Despite what I feel about Justin right now,
which frankly is nothing, I still need his help.  I never would’ve gotten this
far without him.  I know that.  We made a great team.
 
I guess that’s why I was surprised when Brian came storming in, threw something
at us, and told us that he hoped we were all happy.  I didn’t know what he
meant until I took a closer look at the table.  I immediately recognized
Justin’s writing. 
 
I picked up the letter addressed to me, wondering what he had to say to me. 
What could he say to make things better?  What do I feel about this whole
mess?  I don’t know much of anything anymore when it comes to Justin or to
Brian to tell you the truth.  Despite the fact that Brian and I hang out a lot
more lately, he still won’t talk to me like he used to.  I just don’t know what
to do right now, so I can only hope that this letter will answer some of the
questions I have.  Why?
 
Michael:
 
I know that you more than likely don’t ever want to hear from me again, but I
just wanted to let you know that I understand.  I know why you did what you
did; I only wish that I had the chance to talk to Brian first.  I wish that you
had told me, and we could’ve talked about it, but I know that it is all false
hope. 
 
I can say that I am grateful for your friendship these past couple of months; I
never thought that it would happen. 
 
I am glad that you are there to watch out for Brian.  I hope he realizes what a
good friend you are. 
 
I know that you most likely never want to work with me on the comic book again,
and I can understand.  I don’t know if I can ever do that again.  So I am
including a list of artists I know from PIFA who I think would be able to do
the comic justice.  I was thrilled when we came up with the idea, and I loved
working on it with you.  I had a lot of fun.  But like almost everything else
in my life . . . it has come to an end.  I wish you the best in it.  If you
need any input you can contact my mom or Daphne.  I’ll help out wherever I can,
if you want it.
 
I’m sorry for ever hurting Brian, and putting you in the position I did.  I
don’t blame you for anything.  It was all my fault.  Keep an eye out for Brian,
which I know you will.
 
Best of luck on Rage.
Forgive me,
Justin
 
I can’t believe it.  He’s worried about how I feel, and wanting me to continue
the comic book without him?  He wants me to watch out for Brian?  I thought
that he would tell me to fuck off, or something like that.  Definitely not what
I just read.  And the fact that he is still willing to help me with the comic,
comes as a serious shock to me. 
 
All I could think of these past couple of weeks was that Justin was an
arrogant, little fuck, who didn’t deserve to have Brian’s love or my
friendship.  But now, I see that he is blaming himself for everything.  A part
of me wants to agree, but I also know that I am partly at fault as well.
 
I have to find Brian.  Find out what’s going on, and what I can do.  Please,
let everything be alright.
 
******************
Lindsey
 
When Brian came to the door, I immediately knew that something was wrong.  He
looked awful.  His eyes no longer held the spark that they used to.  I quickly
pull him in the house, and set him down in the living room.  “Brian what’s
wrong,” I ask, hoping to get some answer out of him.  He looked like he was
ready to pass out, to give up.  I had to know what was hurting him so much.  I
had to help.  Thankfully, Mel came in and handed him a cup of coffee, then sat
down next to me.  I think that what Brian has to say will crush me.  I mean
what chance do I have if Brian is like this?
 
Of course I didn’t expect the answer I got from him.  He told me all about
Justin suffering from PTSD, to his planning on leaving.  He told us about what
Craig Taylor had said to Justin, to him waking up this morning and finding
Justin gone.  He had really hoped that he could talk Justin into staying, but
from what I’ve just heard, I almost couldn’t blame Justin.  I had seen how the
others treated him of late, and it had pained me to see Justin suffering.  I
didn’t understand how they could be so cold to him. 
 
Now everything was falling into place.  All of the strange things that Justin
had done, or said this past year, all make sense now.  And I find myself
getting angry.  Angry at all of us for not seeing it, for not helping Justin
out.  Instead we all just ignored the problem, hoping that it would just go
away.  But it didn’t, and I can see that all we did was make things worse.  Not
only worse for Justin, but for Brian as well.  He really does love Justin; he
just doesn’t know how to show it. 
 
Brian reached into his pocket and handed Mel and I a small letter.  I watched
as Mel opened the letter and began to read it out loud.  As Mel read what
Justin had to say, I made sure that I kept a close eye on Brian.  I didn’t want
to lose him too.
 
 
Lindsey and Melanie
 
I want to thank you both for allowing me to be a part of your family, and
allowing me to be a part of Gus’ life.  I will never be able to pay you back
for all that you have given me over the past couple of years.  You have stood
by me, and helped me through some tough times.  I will be forever grateful for
all of the wonderful things that you have done for me, and for the way that you
have stuck up for me.  I hope the two of you do not blame yourself for any of
this.  I know that the two of you introduced me to Ethan, but know that all of
this is my fault not yours.  I don’t want you to think otherwise.
 
But as you know, lately, things have been hard on all of us.  I am to blame, I
know.  I am sorry if what I did caused you pain.  I only did what at the time I
thought was right.  I know that you hate me right now, and I don’t blame you, I
hate myself for the pain I have ‘cause Brian, and you.  But please know, it was
never my intention.  I am sorry for all of the pain I caused you.
 
I am leaving Pittsburg.  I have realized that I have been having a lot of
problems this past year, problems that I have never resolved.  I didn’t realize
that I still hadn’t gotten over what happened a year ago, and I know now, that
I have to.  Because of my inability to cope with it, I have pushed you all
away, and I have hurt Brian the most.  I am sorry.
 
Please understand that I never meant to hurt anyone.  I hope that someday, we
can be friends again, but I know that it will take time.  I’m willing to give
you the time to heal, for I know I have to do the same.  I will be in touch. 
 
Please don’t let Gus think that I’m an awful person.  I love him with all my
heart, and I will miss him everyday.  I love you both as well, and I hope to
see you again soon
 
I’m sorry.
Justin
P.S. Please watch out for Brian for me.  I have caused him a lot of pain, and I
couldn’t stand it if he suffered anymore because of me.
 
I began to cry.  Not only from the words of pain that Justin had placed in the
letter, but the pain in Brian’s eyes.  “Oh Brian,” I began through my tears.

Brian just held his hand up to me, halting anything that I might have said. 
“Don’t okay.  I heard it all before.” 
 
“I just don’t understand why he thinks that this is his entire fault,” I
stress.  It was unbelievable.  I mean here we were, thinking that we should’ve
seen something, we should’ve done something, and Justin is the one apologizing
to us.  I had always known he was a wonderful young man, but from someone to do
what he did. . . He knew that Brian and all of us would blame ourselves.  He
knew that and he wanted us all guilt free.  He didn’t want us to feel guilty
for doing what we should’ve done. 

Brian just shrugged his shoulders, and pinching the bridge of his nose.  “He’s
in a great deal of pain right now, and all I know is that I have to find him,
Lindz.  I have to,” he said.  I could hear the pain in his voice.  Brian was
scared.  He had never felt this way about anyone, or least that’s what he
always tried to convince me of.  And now he had realized what Justin meant to
him, and Justin was gone.  I swore to myself that I would do whatever I could
to try and help him.  I owe him that much, I owe Justin that much.  Those two
belong together; I can only hope that we find Justin before it’s too late for
the both of them.
 
 
******************
Mel
 
I sit here listening to Brian and Lindsey talk, and I just can’t believe what
I’ve read and heard.  I never thought that Justin would be going through this. 
I feel so guilty at what we have done.  I mean, I don’t really give a damn
about Brian, ‘cause I still think he’s a selfish prick, but I’m not blind
either.  I know that he loved Justin, and if I want to be honest, I can tell he
still loves Justin.  Just like I know deep down that he loves Gus.  I may not
always agree with Brian on things, okay, so I don’t agree with him on almost
anything, but he’s right about this.  We should’ve seen it coming.  We
should’ve been there to help. 
 
Justin had become such a large part of Lindsey’s and my life.  He helped out
with Gus, more times than I can count.  Hell, he even helped us move that damn
mattress upstairs.  He’s been like a younger brother to the both of us, and I
know he was part of the reason that Brian had given up his parental rights to
me.  But Justin would never say as much, he wanted everyone to see what he sees
in Brian.  No matter how many times I told him that it would never happen, he
still tried.
 
When Brian turned to leave, Lindsey made sure to let him know that we were
there for him, and that we’d help him out anyway that we could.
 
I know that I’ll help Brian out . . . and not because it’s Brian, but I’ll do
it for Justin.  No mater how much I may think that Justin deserves better than
Brian, I do know that they love each other.  They both will be unhappy with
anyone else, and Justin deserves a little happiness after the shit he’s been
through.  So for Justin, I’m going to do whatever I have to do to help Brian
find him.  For Justin and for Gus, ‘cause everyone knows that I don’t give a
damn about Brian.
 
At least that’s what I want to believe.
 
******************
Jennifer
 
Dear Mom –
 
I know that you are worried about me, but don’t.  I’m fine.  I am leaving
Pittsburg, and going to try and start over in another city.  Don’t worry about
me, please.  I’ll be fine.  I have to do this, mom.  Too much has happened
these past couple of years, and I need some time away.  
 
Don’t blame yourself for what dad did.  He was only telling me what in my mind,
I already knew.  I don’t blame you for anything that happened last night.  I
love you and Molly, and I don’t want to ‘cause the two of you any more pain
than I already have. 
 
I’ll keep in touch, and I will let you know where I am, and how I am.
 
I love you.  Take care of yourself and Molly.  Know that I will miss you, and
will think of you every day, but this is something that I have to do for
myself. 
 
I’ll call as soon as I get to where I’m going.
 
Tell dad, that I understand.
 
Love you always,
Your son,
Justin
 
I just sit there and cry.  My son is gone, and it’s all my fault.  I should’ve
stopped Craig from attacking Justin.  I knew he didn’t look well, I knew that
he wasn’t well since his break-up with Brian.  But I allowed it to happen.  I
can only hope that he’s safe.  Please God, keep my son safe. 

Then after I prayed for my son, I did something that I never thought I would
do.  I also prayed for Brian.  Despite all of his faults, despite that I think
he’s wrong for my son, despite everything, I know that he loves Justin.  If
anyone can bring my son home, it will be him.  I only hope that Justin accepts
the help.  I can only hope that Justin isn’t too far gone to realize that we
are here for him. 
 
All he has to do is call, and I’ll make sure he knows that he’s loved, and that
I’m here when he’s ready to come home.  I’ll tell him I love him. 
 
******************
Brian
 
I got back to the loft, and just stood at the door.  For some reason, I just
can’t make my legs move any further inside.  I know that Justin’s not here, and
more likely he may never be here again.  Why did he have to leave?  Why did he
have to open up so much to me, and not give me the chance to let him know how I
felt, what I felt? 

I know I have no right to be angry at him for robbing me of the opportunity,
but I can’t help it.  I can only hope that I will get the chance to someday.  I
have to tell him what I’ve realized.  He has to know what I feel about him,
what I’ve always felt about him.  I have to let him know that I made a
mistake.  I lied.  I do love him; I can -- given the chance -- give him what he
wants.  I just need him here to help me.  I can’t do it alone. 
 
I can’t believe that I was so calm at the diner.  Seeing all of them -- all of
the people who had let Justin down, who had turned their back on him – I amazed
myself at my control.  All I wanted to do was rip into them, yell, scream,
punch something or someone.  How dare they treat Justin like that, and say that
it was all for me.  How dare they try and use me as an excuse to shut Justin
out.  Justin had earned his place among us, and I’ll be dammed if I allow them
to shit on him.  He’s been through too much to have them turn on him too. 
 
Slowly, I take off my jacket, and make my way toward the shower.  I feel sick,
dirty, and all around like shit.  I desperately need a drink, but first I need
to feel clean.  I can only hope that I can survive long enough to find him. 
And I will find him.  There’s no doubt in my mind.  I have failed him enough,
but I can’t fail him in this.  I need him.  There’s nothing nor no one who can
stop me from my goal. 
 
I also know that one of these days; Craig Taylor is going to have a nice little
meeting with me.  I don’t know when yet, but I’m smart enough to know that if I
see that asshole now, I’ll do Justin no good ‘cause I’ll be in jail for
murder.  I want to fucking kill him; rip his fucking heart right out of his
chest.  But I have to wait.  When Craig Taylor least expects it, I’ll be
there.  He thinks he is good at sneaking up on me, and attacking me from
behind.  Well that I could deal with, but what he did to Justin . . . that was
the last straw.  Craig Taylor will feel the pain that Justin is, only on a much
larger scale.  I’ll see to that.
 
Of course, I also know that I’m going to have to talk to the others.  I need to
know what in the hell they were thinking.  But once again, I am smart enough to
know that right now, I am not in the right frame of mind to be objective, and I
need to be.  I need to hear them out, hear their side of things.  So maybe I
won’t isolate myself from everyone that has ever meant anything to me.  No
matter what I need them.  I’m not ready to give it up fully.  But dammed if
they don’t have a lot to explain, a lot to make up for.  And I’m not going to
make it easy on them.
 
I step into the shower, and turn it as hot as I can stand it.  Hopefully, I can
bring some warmth back into my skin.  Since I woke up and found Justin gone, I
haven’t been able to feel much of anything.  Justin told me last night that he
felt numb . . . well I think he left it sitting in the loft, ‘cause that’s
exactly what I feel right now.  I don’t feel anything.  I feel cold. 
 
I don’t know how long I stood there, but I remember feeling the water begin to
chill.  As I turned off the shower, I heard the sound of the phone ringing. 
Thinking that it’s Michael, or one of the others, I just let the machine get it
as I dry myself off.
 
Then I froze.
 
“Um. . . Brian. . . It’s me, Justin. . . I know that you probably don’t want to
hear from me, but. . .”  I hear coming from the machine, and I immediately rush
over.
 
“Justin,” I cry out into the phone.
 
“Brian, I didn’t think you were home, I was just going to leave a message,” I
heard him say.  He sounded even more depressed than he did last night.  At
least this time he wasn’t yelling as well.  Frankly, I think I’d rather have
the yelling.
 
“It’s okay.  Where are you Justin?”
 
“I’m okay.”
 
I have to laugh slightly.  He’s trying to avoid the entire question, but this
time, I won’t let him.  “Where are you?  Please Justin, just tell me where you
are.  I need to see you, I need to talk to you,” I beg.  Okay, so now I’m
begging.  The one thing I never thought I would do.  I can’t believe that I’ve
resorted to this.  But I’ll do anything just to see that he’s alright.  I have
to see for myself.
 
“I’m okay.  Look, Bri, I’m just not ready to see anyone right now, okay. Please
understand.  Please say you understand,” he begged.
 
I feel my heart clench in my chest at his pleading voice.  He had the same
voice last night; when he asked me make love to him.  I can’t stand to hear
that tone come from his lips.  “I understand,” I tell him, despite the fact
that I don’t.  I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me, I need to see him.  I
have to.  “Will you at least let me know soon,” I ask.  Silently begging him to
say yes.

”I promise.  Just give me some time okay.  Anyway, I just called to let you
know that I’m okay, and to thank-you for last night.  I’m sorry for dumping all
of that on you, but I didn’t know what I was doing,” he said to me. 
 
The entire time he’s talking I’m trying to listen in on the background noises,
hoping to get some clue as to where he is.  “Listen, Justin.  Promise me you’ll
call me if you need anything.  Call me no matter what it is, no matter what
time of day it is, okay?  Promise me,” I know that he hates to have to rely on
me for everything and that if he can help it, he won’t ask.  So I decide I’ll
play one last card to get him to stay in touch with me.  I have to know he’s
alright, that he’ll be taken care of.  “I won’t be able to concentrate on
anything, to do anything if I am worried that you’re off somewhere, god knows
where, hurt or something.  Promise me, Justin.  I don’t think I can stand to
know you’re hurt somewhere, or need help.  Promise?”
 
“I promise.  Thanks, Brian.  For everything.  I’ll keep in touch.  I love you,”
he said as he hung up the phone. 
 
For the longest time I just stood there with the phone cradled in my hand.  “I
love you too, Justin.”
 
*******************
 
For All Time By Soluna
 
  You’ve been the first in my life
  Who has ever made me feel this way
  And I will not deny
  I’m gonna need you right here by my side
 
  {Baby, I can’t wait}
  Come right over here and let me lead the way
  {Let me take your breath away}
  By holdin’ you, kissin’ you, lovin’ you, touchin’ you
 
  {Never will be too late}
  To see myself through your eyes
  {Baby, I can’t wait}
  Until the day I hear you say
 
  You are mine
  There’s no other one for me
  Keep in mind
  You make my life complete
 
  And tonight
  We’ll make love endlessly
  ‘Cause you’re mine
  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time
  Now that you’re here, boy
  I’m never gonna let you go
  Can I touch you there, oh
  Do you mind if we kiss real slow
 
  You’re my everything {Everything}
  You’re my hopes and dreams {Hopes and dreams}
  Baby, you know it ain’t no lie
  I’m gonna be with you till the day that I die
 
  {Baby, I can’t wait}
  Come right over here and let me lead the way
  {Let me take your breath away}
  By holdin’ you, kissin’ you, lovin’ you, touchin’ you
 
  {Never will be too late}
  To see myself through your eyes
  {Baby, I can’t wait} No, no
  Till the day I hear you say
 
  You are mine
  There’s no other one for me
  Keep in mind (Keep in mind)
  You make my life complete
 
  And tonight
  We’ll make love endlessly
  ‘Cause you’re mine
  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time
 
  You’re the one who lights my fire
  You’re the one who keeps me strong
  You’re the one that I depend on
  When my world is goin’ wrong
 
  You’re the one that I hold closer
  You’re the man I’m dreaming of
  And I really, really love you
  I just want you to know that
 
  You are mine
  There’s no other one for me
  Keep in mind (Keep in mind)
  You make my life complete (Complete)
 
  And tonight
  We’ll make love endlessly
  ‘Cause you’re mine
  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time
 
  I can’t wait till the day
  When I’ll hear you say
  You’re the one that I need
  You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time
 
For All Time by Soluna
 
 
***** II *****
 
Part 3: Do What You Have To Do
 
                                a glowing ember
                                  burning hot
                                 burning slow
                    deep within I'm shaken by the violence
                           of existing for only you
                                        
                          I know I can't be with you
                            I do what I have to do
                          I know I can't be with you
                            I do what I have to do
                       and I have sense to recognize but
                        I don't know how to let you go
                 --Do What You Have To Do by Sarah  McLachlan
 
APRIL 2002
 
Justin got off of the bus and looked around the large station.  ‘This place was
a lot bigger than Pittsburgh, and scarier,’ he thought.  Justin smiled as he
saw a group of teens standing and dancing in the waiting area with their bags
forming a circle around them.  Silently he wished that he could be that
carefree again, that he could be that happy. 
 
Spotting a phone in the back of the building, Justin made his way over to it,
wondering why his feet were moving in this direction.  Part of him wished that
he had never gotten on that bus.  Of course this was the same part that wished
he was still lying in Brian’s bed at the loft, making love to Brian.  But
Justin knew that he couldn’t do that to Brian.  When he reached the phone he
pulled out his calling card, and began to punch in the numbers.  ‘He deserves
to know that I’m okay.  I shouldn’t have left him the way I did,’ he thought as
he punched in the number to the loft.  ‘I wish I was stronger than that.  I
wish that I had been able to take what he had to offer.  But I can’t do that to
him.  I can’t use him like that.’ 
 
As the connection was made, Justin waited for the machine to pick up.  He
wasn’t stupid enough to think that Brian would be at the loft at eight o’clock
on a Saturday night.  “. . .You know what to do,” Justin heard, and took a deep
breath.
 
When Justin heard the beep, he began to wonder if this was a good idea.  “Um. .
. Brian. . . It’s me, Justin. . . I know that you probably don’t want to hear
from me, but. . .” 
 
“Justin,” Brian yells in the phone, cutting off what Justin was about to say. 
To Justin he sounded out of breath, and wondered if Brian had started early in
his nightly routine.  ‘Don’t think about that,’ he cursed himself.  He didn’t
want to think about Brian tricking.  That’s where they had the problems
before. 
 
“Brian,” he began.  Justin wasn’t sure what to say now that he actually had
Brian on the phone.  He hadn’t planned on Brian being there at all.  ‘What the
fuck am I going to say now,’ he wondered.  “I didn’t think you were home, I was
just going to leave a message,” Justin added as he looked around the bus stop. 
 
Justin heard Brian take a deep breath, and sigh.  “It’s okay.  Where are you
Justin?”
 
Justin froze.  ‘I can’t tell him.  I can’t let him know.’  Justin knew that he
couldn’t let Brian know where he was.  If Brian knew then he would be down
here, and Justin knew that he would never let him go.  ‘I have to do this on my
own.  I can’t depend on him, I can’t use him all the time.  Please understand
Brian.  I’m doing this for us,’ he begged in his mind.  “I’m okay.”
 
Justin hears Brian’s laugh, and knows that Brian wasn’t going to give up.  He
wished that Brian would just accept what he had and forget the rest.  But once
Brian got on his protective streak, Justin knew that no one could stand in his
way.  ‘And I sure as hell gave him enough reason last night to worry about me. 
Fuck!  What the hell was I thinking in saying anything to Brian?  I should’ve
just left, and not gone to Woody’s.  Fuck!’  “Where are you?  Please Justin,
just tell me where you are.  I need to see you, I need to talk to you,” Justin
hears the slight plea in Brian’s voice.
 
Justin knew that he couldn’t -- wouldn’t -- lie to Brian.  Not anymore.  He had
to think of something else -- another way to keep Brain away.  “I’m okay. 
Look, Bri., I’m just not ready to see anyone right now, okay. Please
understand.  Please say you understand,” he begged.  ‘Please understand what
I’m not saying Brian.  It’s not that I don’t want you, I do.  It’s just that I
need to do this.  I need to be strong again.  Please understand.’
 
“I understand. Will you at least let me know soon,” Justin heard him say, and
breathed a sigh of relief.  That’s all he wanted, and Brian gave it to him.  It
wasn’t as though Justin thought that Brian really understood, but he was
allowing Justin to have the space he needed at the moment. 
 
“I promise.  Just give me some time okay.”  Justin was scared -- more so than
he had ever been in his life.  All he wanted at that moment was for Brian to be
there with him, holding him, and telling him that things were going to be
okay.  To tell him that he wasn’t the terrible person everyone thinks he is. 
Justin knew that last night was a starting point for him.  It was the beginning
of his healing process, and he had to let Brian know that he was grateful for
all the help the man had given him.  “Anyway, I just called to let you know
that I’m okay, and to thank-you for last night.  I’m sorry for dumping all of
that on you, but I didn’t know what I was doing.”
 
Hearing Brian’s voice caused a pain in Justin’s chest.  He hated to hear the
pain, the need, in Brian’s voice, but he knew that he couldn’t do anything
about it.  ‘I’ve just hurt him so much,’ Justin thought.  “Listen, Justin. 
Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything.  Call me no matter what it is,
no matter what time of day it is, okay?  Promise me,” Brian asked, almost
begging.  Justin just closed his eyes, not really wanting to hear anymore.  How
could he promise that to Brian?  He had come to this city to get away from it
all, to see if he could make it on his own.  To be the person that Brian
deserved.  “I won’t be able to concentrate on anything, to do anything if I am
worried that you’re off somewhere, god knows where, hurt or something.  Promise
me, Justin.  I don’t think I can stand to know you’re hurt somewhere, or need
help.  Promise?”  ‘Fuck,’ Justin thought.  ‘He would try and pull a guilt trip
on me wouldn’t he.’
 
Knowing that he couldn’t deny Brian at least that one promise, he agreed.  “I
promise.  Thanks, Brian.  For everything.  I’ll keep in touch.  I love you,” he
said as he hung up the phone.  Justin wanted to say more to Brian, to tell him
where he was, and have him come here to take him away from all of this.  He
couldn’t.  Justin couldn’t do that to Brian.  He left, and he couldn’t ask
Brian to give up everything for him.  He wasn’t worth it.
 
Justin made his way toward the information counter next to the exit and waited
in line.  When he reached the counter he gave a small smile to the young lady
waiting on him.  “Can you tell me where the closest hotel is?  Nothing too
pricey?”
 
The lady looked him over and smiled.  “New in town,” she asked him, and she
began to type something on her computer.
 
“Yeah, I’ve never been here before.  Well not counting the airport,” Justin
said with a smile.  The lady had a way to make him feel less scared, and for
that Justin was grateful.
 
“You look a little young to be out here alone.”
 
“I’m nineteen,” Justin said, knowing that he didn’t look his age at all.  ‘Well
not when I’ve been on a bus for the last eighteen hours, and wearing a worn-out
t-shirt and faded jeans,’ he thought.  ‘It’s a wonder that they don’t think I’m
sort of run-away.’  “And you’re one to talk,” he added with a smile.
 
The lady just looked at him in shock for a second.  “Well then, I guess it’s
okay,” she laughed.  Justin laughed back at her.  He was beginning to feel a
little more comfortable with this situation.  He was silently glad that he had
saved up enough money these past two years.  Brian had never once asked for the
money he owed him back.  With that along with from all the tips at the diner,
and the money he had earned working for Gary, Justin had enough to live on for
a while at least.  What he would do after that, he wasn’t too sure, but he
hoped he had a job by then.  Grabbing the list of hotels that she handed him,
Justin looked it over.  “This one here isn’t too bad, and it’s cheap.  But just
to let you know, there are places around here that will take people like you
in.  Get you started,” she told him. 
 
Justin just smiled and took the paper.  “Thanks.  One more thing,” he asked. 
“How do I get there?”
 
The lady smiled at him, and shook her head.  Handing him more papers, she began
to explain.  “You can just take Marta.  Just go across the street there, and
take the train to the Five Point Station, okay.  Then get on the East train and
get off at the next exit.  It’ll be the hotel right outside the station. 
That’s where the college students go a lot.”
 
Justin said his thanks, took his two bags, and made his way toward the train
station.  He glanced up and saw the sign above the exit, and smiled. 
 
WELCOME TO ATLANTA.
 
He hoped that he would find what he needed here. 
 
*******************
APRIL 2002
 
Justin walked out of the hotel, and made his way toward the club that he’d
heard about.  Since he had been there, a little over a week now, he had been
spending most of his time trying to find a job.  He knew that he had only
enough money for a month at the hotel, and he had to find something quick
before he was out on the street.  ‘I’ve been there before,’ he thought to
himself.  ‘But this time Brian isn’t here to take me in.’ 
 
Justin had went to the library and looked for places to go.  If he could get a
job at the club even, that would be a blessing.  He only hoped that if he did
get a job there, he wouldn’t be stuck in the same web that he had during his
time a Babylon.  Justin knew he couldn’t handle that mess again.  He stopped at
the bus stop, and waited.  Seeing a group of the guys on his floor, Justin just
nodded.  “Justin, right,” one of the guys asked.
 
“Yeah.  You’re Nate,” Justin asked back.  He had met a lot of people in the
past week that he was unsure who anyone was.  The group of young men stepped
onto the bus, and began to seat themselves wherever they could find a spot.
 
“That’s me.  So where you headed,” the young man asked as he came to sit next
to Justin.
 
Justin tried not to take a step back from the man.  It wasn’t that the man was
going to hurt him, but Justin had been on edge for a while and he wasn’t ready
to get shit upon again.  ‘Chris did a number on me,’ he thought.  “I’m heading
to the clubs, see what’s going on there,” he stated.  ‘Should I tell them which
club?  What will they think of me if I tell them,’ he wondered.  It wasn’t that
he was ashamed of who he was, it was just that . . . heck like everything else
in his life at that moment he wasn’t sure. 
 
“So are we.  We’re going to Backstreet, you wanna come,” he asked Justin.
 
Justin breathed a sigh of relief when Nate mentioned the name of the club.  ‘At
least I don’t have to worry about them hating me because I’m gay.’  “That’s
where I was headed, actually.  So sure, why not.”  The group of young men got
off at their stop, and began to walk toward a large building.  Justin looked
around the area, and saw the Fox Theater near by.  It wasn’t really the type of
area he would’ve thought that a gay bar would be at, but then again, this was
Atlanta.  He had been told that the majority of Midtown was gay populated, so
why not.  They all walked around the back of the building and began to show
their ID’s.  Justin was grateful that he still had his fake ID on him, and
hoped that these security officers didn’t take a real good look at it. 
 
After passing the inspection, Justin followed Nate and the others as they paid
their way in.  Nate stood by as Justin paid for his way, and his membership,
smiling at him.  Passing the pool tables,  they made their way up a set of
stairs on the side of the dance floor.  ‘It’s no where near as big as Babylon,’
he thought.  ‘At least it doesn’t look like they have gogo dancers here.’  “So
what’s up here,” he asked, heading into a small bar area with a stage.
 
“Welcome to Charlie Brown’s Cabaret,” Nate exclaimed.  “You’ll love it.  Come
on, let’s get a seat before this place fills up.”  The four men sat at a table
in the front of the room, and Nate turned to Justin.  “By the way, this is
Kevin, and Mike.”  After pleasantries were exchanged, and drinks orders, Justin
sat back and looked around the room.  On the sidewall, he noticed a mural with
a group of people with a saying ‘where the men are men, and the beautiful woman
are men.’  Justin had to laugh quietly. 
 
“Hey,” he heard someone yell from across the room, which forced him to look
up.  He saw the same young lady that he had first met when he had arrived. 
“Remember me,” she asked as she took a seat next to Nate.  “Excuse me,” she
stated, pushing the man a little more off of the seat.
 
“There’s no excuse for you.”  Nate turned to Justin and smiled.  “Justin this
is my sister, Kelly.  Kelly this is Justin.  And where did you meet him, and
why didn’t you tell me that he was so hot,” Nate said to his sister.
 
“Hush, Nate, don’t be an ass.”  Kelly looked over Justin and smiled before
turning to her brother.  “I met Justin here, when he got off the bus here in
the big ol’ ATL, and I did tell you that I saw a hot looking guy that would be
perfect for you, didn’t I?”
 
Justin began to feel his face heat up with the exchange he was hearing.  “I
wouldn’t be so sure,” he stated. 
 
“Oh, nonsense.  Anyone who can help my brother see that these two, are idiots”
she stated pointing to Kevin and Mike. “Would be perfect.”  As she said that
the other two guys both flipped her off.  “So anywho, where are you from
originally, and what are you doing here?  Do you have a boyfriend?  What’s your
story,” she asked. 
 
Justin just looked her over like she was crazy.  She reminded him a great deal
of Daphne, and he saw himself feeling at home for the first time since he had
arrived.  “Sis, damn.  Give the kid a break will ya,” Nate exclaimed.
 
“You hush,” she answered back hitting her brother on the arm.  “So, what’s the
411?”
 
Justin just shook his head in disbelief.  “Well, I’m from Pittsburgh, and I
don’t currently have a boyfriend.  I guess I really just don’t need one right
now,” he stated.  ‘I screwed up enough relationships, I don’t need to jump
right into another one.’ He hoped that she would leave the other question
alone, but by the expecting look on her face he knew that he couldn’t NOT
answer.  “I’m here for a fresh start,” he answered hoping that he could get
away from any further answer.

Kevin looked over to Justin, and nodded in understanding.  “Parent’s kick you
out?”
 
“Not recently,” Justin laughed.  “I’m much too old to be living with my
parents.  Besides, I haven’t lived with them for over a year now.”
 
“Yeah, I know what you mean.   When my parents found out I was gay, they kicked
me out, big time,” he told Justin.  Justin could only smile in understanding. 
“If it hadn’t been for the Rainbow home, I’d most likely be dead now.”
 
“Rainbow Home,” Justin asked.
 
“Yeah, it’s this place for teens go who’s parents kick them out when they find
out that their kid’s gay.  We all help out there sometimes.  You know, try and
help these kids feel wanted,” Kelly stated.
 
Justin shook his head.  “I wish they had something like that in Pittsburgh. 
Granted I was lucky, I guess.  I mean, my mom was cool, but my dad,” he began
slightly closing his eyes to the rush of pain that had stabbed at his heart. 
“Anyway, I had a friend who took me in, so I guess I was lucky.”
 
Mike turned to Justin and looked at him.  “Why don’t you come with us
sometime?  They could always use an extra hand.  And you seem to know what
these kids are going through.”
 
Justin could only nod.  ‘Maybe I could do some good for someone.  Maybe I can
start to make amends for all the shit I’ve done, and hopefully stop someone
else from becoming as fucked up as I am,’ he thought to himself.  “Why not,” he
answered as the lights started to dim, and the show started.  ‘Why not.’
 
*******************
APRIL 2002
 
Justin walked up to the house that he was told about by his new friends.  It
didn’t really look like much on the outside, but Justin could imagine what it
would look like to someone who had just been kicked out of their home.  It
would be paradise.  He stepped up to the front door and looked around.  
Immediately spotting Mike standing around the corner of the house by his car,
Justin moved toward where the other man was.  “Mike?”
 
Mike looked up at Justin and smiled.  “Hey there, come on in,” Mike told him
with his hands full of bags.  “Help with this stuff will ya?”
 
“Sure,” Justin said as he grabbed some of the bags out of the back of Mike’s
car, and followed the other man in the house.  “I can tell you, I was thinking
that this place would be bigger,” Justin stated as he set the bags down on the
counter in the kitchen.
 
Mike just shrugged.  “Yeah, well we only have really room for six kids, plus
two in an emergency.  Mostly they go to the YouthPride in Decatur, but we’re
looking into getting a bigger house here soon.”  Justin followed Mike through
the house, and was amazed at what he saw.  It looked just like a small house,
nothing too out of the ordinary.  As they walked through the house, Mike
explained to Justin what it was they did there.  “We provide these kids with
food, shelter, on duty counselors, and whatnot.  They are required to finish
school, and look for a job.  Curfew is 11 on weekdays, and 1 on weekends.”
 
“God, I don’t think I could’ve ever been able to do that,” Justin cringed.  “My
main rule when I was living with Debi, a friend of mine, was that I couldn’t
bring tricks home after midnight.” 

Both men laughed slightly at that fact, as Mike shook his head.  “Yeah, well we
don’t allow sexual relations here.  But hey, they’re young right?”
 
“This is nice.  I’m glad that there are places like this out there.  I mean if
Brian and Deb hadn’t taken me in when my parents kicked me out I don’t know
where I would’ve ended up,” Justin explained.  Looking through the house, he
would spot teens working on homework, or doing their chores.  It looked and
felt like living with Debi.  “It feels like home,” he quietly added.  “So you
said that there are counselors here?”
 
“Yeah, they are five total, but only one is on call at all times.  It helps . .
. you know to be able to talk to someone about shit.  That’s why some of us
help out.  If we don’t help out here we do up at YouthPride.  We all do what we
have to do.”  Mike said as the two men made their way into the back yard. 
“It’s not easy being a gay teen now days.”
 
Justin nodded in agreement.  “You can say that again,” Justin said with a hint
of sadness.  “I know it wasn’t easy for me, still isn’t.”  Justin caught Mike’s
confused look and Justin just shrugged.  “I’m going to be looking into seeing
someone myself.  Hopefully, I can get some help.  It doesn’t end when you grow
up,” he said with a smile.  “High School can be a pain to a young gay kid.  I
know.”
 
“I was lucky, I guess,” Mike said.  “Or unlucky however you want to think about
it.  I kept to myself, never letting anyone know that I was gay.  At least no
one at school.  They found out of course when my parents kicked me out, but by
then I went to a different school.  I didn’t have too hard of a time.”
 
“I wish I could say the same.  Everyone at my school knew about me.”  Justin
thought back to all of the problems he had at Saint James Academy.  “It was
tough.”
 
Mike sat down in one of the small lawn chairs and looked at Justin.  “What
happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
 
Justin sat down in the chair next to Mike, and looked out across the yard. 
“There was this group of guys who would always pick on me.  You know, burning
my locker, pushing me down the stairs, into walls, whatever.  I didn’t think
too much of it, you know, not really caring what they thought, ‘cause I knew
who I was and I wasn’t ashamed of it.”  Justin looked down at his hands,
thinking.  “But I was wrong,” he began.  Taking a deep breath, he closed his
eyes.  “I don’t remember much of it, but I do remember I invited my boyfriend,
or whatever he was at the time, to Prom with me.  He showed up, and we danced
one dance.  The only thing I remember of that night was him calling out to me.
. .  I turned around and I remember seeing something move through the air
toward me.”  Justin didn’t see Mike move closer to him, but he felt the other
man’s hand on his own.  “It didn’t even register in my mind what happened, what
it was.  The next thing I remember is pain, then nothing. . .at least until I
woke up in the hospital almost two weeks later.”  Justin took a deep breath,
and tried to smile at his new friend.  “Wow, that’s one of the first times I’ve
told anyone that.”
 
“What do you know about what happened?  What did they tell you,” Mike asked
still holding Justin’s hand.
 
“They, well Brian anyway, told me that Chris came up behind me with a bat, and
hit me right here,” Justin said pointing to the right side of his head.  “As I
said, I don’t remember much, I don’t know if I ever will, or if I even really
want to.  What I do remember is enough to freak me out.”  Justin shook his
head, hoping to clear the image that came to the forefront of his mind.  The
movement, the pain, the sound.  He didn’t want to remember.  “I never really
told anyone that.  No one wanted to talk about it, and I guess the first time I
somewhat talked about it was in the comic I helped draw with a friend of
Brian’s.”
 
Mike took a deep breath, and Justin could almost feel the sorrow coming from
the man.  He didn’t want anyone’s pity, and he was about to say as much, but
decided against it.  “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger,” Mike said. 
 
Justin just shrugged.  “I don’t know if it made me stronger really.  That’s why
I’m here, actually.  I couldn’t handle it anymore so I ran away from my
problems there.  Hopefully, I can come to terms with everything so that I can
talk to them again.  Who knows?  I hope I can.”
 
Mike nodded in understanding, but Justin knew that no one could really
understand what he had gone through.  Hell, he didn’t understand it really, so
how could anyone else.  “I’m sure you’ll get the help you need.  In fact,
Marsha – one of the counselors here – maybe able to point in the right
direction.”
 
“I’d like that.  But of course first I need to find a job.  That’s my number
one priority.  I don’t even know where to start,” Justin explained. 
 
“I think I maybe able to help you out with that.  Or at least Nate maybe able
to help you out with that,” Justin looked up hopefully as Mike made the
statement.  “Nate said you’re an artist right?”
 
“I try to be,” Justin stated.
 
“Well, you see his ol’ man worked as an artist for this firm downtown, and they
are looking for some fresh talent.  Maybe you can get in for an interview,”
Mike said with a smile on his face.  Justin was beyond words.  Here he was,
almost a complete stranger, and these people were willing to help him out. 
 
There were no words to express what he was feeling at that moment.  Of course
he knew that he didn’t actually have a job yet, but if they could get him in to
talk to these people, he’d get the job.  Of that he had no doubt.  “Well I
guess I have to talk to Nate, now don’t I,” Justin said with a smile.  For one
of the first times since he had gotten here, he was feeling like things were
going to work out.  ‘Just maybe, I’ll be able to do what I want to do, and
heal.  We can only wait and see,’ he thought to himself. 
 
*******************
MAY 2002
 
Brian sat down on his couch in the loft with all the light off and a half
drunken bottle of Jim next to him.  For the past couple of days he had ignored
messages from the gang, all asking him what he was planning for today.  He
wanted to tell them to all fuck off that today would’ve been a lot better if
they hadn’t done what they did.  If they hadn’t shut Justin out of their lives,
then Brian would be with him today.  He wouldn’t have to be alone, thinking
about Justin somewhere out there by himself.  He had avoided them on his
birthday, and he was hoping that everyone would just leave him alone.  He
didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to be cheered up, and he didn’t want them
around.  The one thing that he did want he couldn’t have, so why even talk to
anyone else.
 
Brian was thankful that today was Saturday, ‘cause he knew that he wouldn’t
have been able to concentrate on anything at work.  By early evening he had
talked to one person, and avoided all other calls that came in.  When he had
spoken to Daphne earlier in the day, she had said that she hadn’t heard from
Justin in a while, and she hoped he was alright.  Brian knew that feeling.  He
hoped that Justin was alright as well, ‘cause he knew that he wasn’t.  All he
could think about, all he could see in his mind was the bat coming toward
Justin’s head, Justin laying on the cold cement – lifeless, and the blood.  He
couldn’t get the sight of the blood out of his mind.  Every time he looked down
at his hands – he saw it.  ‘No matter how many times I try to clean it off, it
will never come off,’ he thought with a heavy heart. 
 
God, he needed Justin.  He needed to know that the younger man was alright.  He
needed to know that he was forgiven.  Yeah, Justin had told Brian many times
that it wasn’t his fault, but today – on the anniversary of that fateful night
– Brian couldn’t believe those words.  He wanted to forget the awful moment in
the parking garage, and remember the good moments that night; the dance, the
kiss in the garage, the promise – but he couldn’t.  Every time he tried to
think of one of those moments, Justin’s face would always morph into the
damaged one with blood everywhere. 
 
Brian reached to his side and pulled out a small box.  When he opened it, he
pulled the object out of its container, and held it tightly in his hands
against his face.  He could still smell Justin’s cologne on the delicate
material of the silk scarf, and although the blood was now hard and dry, he
could almost feel the sticky matter soaking through the material and onto his
hands.  He wished that Justin could remember the good time they had that night,
but he knew that it was lost.  It pained him to know that Justin only
remembered the bad. 
 
He was lost in thoughts when he was shocked out of his ravine by the ringing of
the phone.  “Fuck, Mikey,” he said as he reached for the phone ready to tell
off whoever was on the phone.  Hitting the button, Brian began to let into the
person on the phone.  “Look, I told all of you to leave me the fuck alone for a
couple of days.”
 
“Brian,” came a small voice on the other end causing Brian to sit up straight
on the couch.
 
“Justin,” he asked.  Justin was the last person he would’ve expected to hear
from today.  “You okay,” he asked realizing as soon as he said it how dumb of a
question it was.  ‘Of course he’s not okay, you fuck.’
 
Brain heard the slightly hesitation in Justin’s voice, and the contained
sadness and fear.  “I . . .I, uh, thought I’d call and wish you a happy belated
birthday.  I knew better than to call then.  I know how much you like to
celebrate them, so I figured . . . uh . . .well you know.”
 
Brian closed his eyes to try and steel himself away from the obvious pain in
Justin’s voice.  He wished that Justin had never left; Brian desperately needed
to have the man there with him.  “Don’t fucking worry about that, Justin. 
Fuck,” he stated slightly irritated that Justin would even mention his fucking
birthday when today was the one-year anniversary of what Brian had called ‘the
day’.  Silently angry with himself for even getting irritated at Justin when he
knew that Justin would be hurting, Brian took a deep calming breath.  “How are
you?”
 
“Okay, I guess.  You,” he heard Justin ask.  Brian could hear that Justin was
nowhere near fine, and the thought that the young man was concerned about him
caused an ache in Brian’s heart.
 
Brian took a deep breath, and brought his hand to the bridge of his nose.  He
felt a sudden headache appearing, and he wanted to keep his head when he talked
to Justin.  ‘I can’t lose it with him.  Not now,’ he thought.  “Justin, don’t
worry about me.  I know you’re not okay.  I can hear it in your voice.  Hell no
one would expect you to be alright with any of this shit.  Talk to me, please.”
 
Brian heard Justin sigh and sniffed.  Brian could tell that Justin was crying,
and he felt the sudden urge to find Justin and hold him tightly in his arms. 
He wanted to take away the pain that Justin was in, but Justin wasn’t there. 
“It’s just. . .I don’t know.  God, Brian . . . I don’t know.  It’s hard, you
know.  I just. . .”
 
Brian heard Justin begin to break down, and it tore him up inside.  “Shhh,
baby.  It’s alright, I’m here,” he whispered into the phone, knowing that it
was a false hope.  Talking to Justin on the phone and being with him, Brian
knew that his words were a cold comfort to them both.
 
Brian continued to offer quiet soothing words to Justin allowing the younger
man to calm down a little.  When he felt that Justin had calmed a little, he
heard Justin continue.  “I haven’t even left the fucking room today.  I was too
fucking scared.”
 
“Scared of what, baby,” Brian asked.  “Tell me.  What are you afraid of?”
 
“Everything,” he heard Justin reply.  “I don’t know. . . I guess it’s just that
when I am out there it seems as if . . . I get the feeling as if Hobbs is going
to come out from around a corner and finish the job.”  Brian closed his eyes,
knowing that he had similar fears, but refused to tell Justin that.  He
wouldn’t add to Justin’s pain.  “I know it’s stupid.”
 
“No, it’s not,” Brian stated.  “It’s not stupid Justin.  After what you’ve been
through, no one would blame you for feeling that way.  But it will get better
Justin.  You have to believe that.”
 
“I wish I could, Brian.  I just don’t know anymore.  I feel like it’ll never go
away, that I’ll always be scared.”  Brian could tell that Justin was trying
hard to keep a brave front up, but he wished that he would just let it all go. 
Brian heard Justin take another deep breath to calm himself.  “You didn’t
answer my question before.  How are you?”
 
Brian thought about lying to Justin, but figured that if it would help Justin
to open up a little more, he would tell the truth.  “Just fucking fantastic,”
he said sarcastically, knowing that Justin would understand the remark.
 
Hearing Justin laugh slightly brought a small smiled to his own lips.  “Yeah,
right.”  The two men lapsed into a silence, just trying to take comfort that
the other was alive.  It was a small comfort, but it was more than they had the
rest of the day.  “You do know it wasn’t your fault, right?”  Brian knew he
couldn’t answer that question.  ‘Even if I wasn’t responsible for what happened
that night, Justin, doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for what you’re going
through now,’he thought.  “You do know that, Brian.  Right?  You weren’t to
blame for what Chris did to me.  If you hadn’t been there. . . If it hadn’t
been that night, it would’ve been some other night.  Some night when you
weren’t around. . .and . . . and I don’t think that I would be alive now.” 
Brian closed his eyes against the wave of pain and sadness that was building
deep within him.  He had believed Justin when the man had told him he wasn’t to
blame, and it was enough for Brian to know that Justin didn’t blame him.  But
now . . . now, Brian wasn’t too sure.  All he had to have done is listen to
Justin, take care of Justin, then none of this would be happening.  Justin
would be there with him now, well and strong.  “Brian please tell me you know
that.  I can’t stand to think that you blame yourself for what Chris did.  It
wasn’t your fault, it was mine, okay.  Not yours. . . mine,” Justin stated.

At Justin’s words, Brian jumped off of the couch in shock.  “What?!”  Brian
couldn’t believe what he had just come out of Justin’s mouth.  “How the hell
are you to blame for what that asshole did to you?  How the FUCK did you come
up with that shit?”  Brian felt the urge to slam something into the wall, to
punch something.  Brian was beyond angry.  ‘No fucking way,’ he thought.  ‘No
fucking way, am I going to let Justin take the blame for this.  Why the fuck
does he think that?’   
 
Then the words that Justin had told him during his outbreak before his
departure came back to him. 
 
“If I hadn’t fucking jerked Chris off, if I hadn’t confronted him outside on
the street, then I never would’ve been bashed.” 
 
There was no way that Brian was going to let Justin blame himself for what
Hobbs did to him.  “Justin, listen to me, okay.  Are you listening?”
 
“Yeah,” he heard the quiet reply.
 
“You. Are. Not. To. Blame.  Okay?  You’re not to blame for this.  Chris Hobbs
was a closet case, who couldn’t stand the fact that he enjoyed getting jerked
off by you.”  Brian took a deep breath.  He had to try and get Justin to see
the error in his thinking.  He wouldn’t allow Justin to blame himself to this. 
“It’s not your fault.”
 
“It’s not yours either,” Brian heard Justin say.  Neither man said anything for
a couple of minutes, just allowing each other to think about where they were at
that moment.  ‘Why the hell are we apart, Justin?  Why did I let you get away
from me?  Especially today?’
 
  “Boy,” Brian laughed slightly hoping to get some positive reaction out of
Justin.  He wanted to hear Justin laugh.  He wanted to know that Justin would
be okay.  If he couldn’t hold Justin, he wanted to at least get the younger man
to smile – even if it was for a second.  “Aren’t we the fucking poster children
for much needed psychiatric help.  ‘I’m to blame’.   ‘No, I’m to blame.’ 
Fuck!”
 
Brian felt a smile creep upon his face as he heard what he was looking for. 
Justin laughed.  “We both have always been drama queens haven’t we?”  Brian
heard Justin take a deep breath and sigh.  Brian hated that sigh, he hated
knowing that Justin was in pain and there was nothing he could do about it. 
“God, how the hell did we get here, Brian?  Where did we go wrong?”
 
Brian could hear the pain and longing in Justin’s voice, and he wished he knew
the answer to Justin’s questions.  “I don’t know, Justin.  I don’t know.”
 
“Do you think, maybe. . .”
 
“I hope so.  Someday,” Brian answered knowing the question that Justin wanted
to ask.  “Someday.”
 
*****************
EARLY JUNE 2002
 
Brian sat at his computer at work, looking over the new campaign that had been
assigned to him.  For the past couple of weeks, he had concentrated only on
work.  Since he walked into the diner and threw the letters from Justin on the
table at his friends, he hadn’t spoken with any of them.  He was still angry
with them for what they had done, and he wanted to have an open mind when he
talked to them.  Of course Mikey didn’t help by calling him twenty times a day,
begging to talk to him. 
 
Brian knew that he should, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do that just
yet.  He missed Justin.  The last time Brian had heard from the young man was
the on anniversary of the bashing.  That was the day that Brian had decided
that he would not give up until he found Justin, to bring him home to him. 
Brian amazed himself these past two weeks however.  He had not tricked once. 
He thought that Justin’s leaving would be enough to drive him to fuck anything
that moved, but he just couldn’t tolerate the thought of anyone besides
Justin.  ‘Now there’s a fucking first,’ he thought.  ‘Brian Kinney, God’s gift
to gay PA, not wanting some mindless fuck or blowjob.  What the fuck did that
kid do to me?’  Brian knew that he wasn’t mad at Justin for his current
dilemma, but damned if he knew why. 
 
Of course it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried either.  Cause he had.  Brian had gone
out the first two weeks, and found someone to entertain him.  However, it
wasn’t until one night two weeks ago that he had found some young stud with a
hot body, and blond hair.  It wasn’t until the man had put his mouth on Brian’s
dick, that the image of Justin had reared its ugly head in his mind.  Seeing
Justin’s face, smiling at him, had almost caused a physical reaction within
him.  He felt sick, and his dick immediately became soft.  ‘Fuck,’ he thought. 
He had pushed the trick away, and went home.  He hadn’t been able to bring
himself to try again.  He was so fucking horny that he couldn’t think
straight. 
 
Cynthia poked her head into the office, forcing Brian from his thoughts. 
“There’s a call for you on line one,” she said with a smile.
 
“Well who the fuck is it?  Tell them I’m busy,” he said turning back to the
fuck-up of a promo in front of him.
 
“Okay, I’ll just tell Justin that he’ll have to call back,” she said as she
turned to leave.
 
“Wait,” Brian yelled, glaring at her.  “I’ll take it,” he added as he watched
her walk out with a smile on her face.  Once he was sure the door was closed,
he picked up the phone.  “Hey,” he said.
 
“Hey, how’s things in the glorious Pitts,” Brian heard Justin ask.  To Brian,
Justin definitely sounded better.  Of course anything sounded better than the
last time he had talked to him.  He only hoped that he would be able to get
some answers out of him this time.  ‘At least he’s talking to me, and not
ignoring me.  At least it’s not the frantic call I got on that day.  That’s a
start,’ Brian reasoned. 
 
Brian was grateful that Justin had called.  He was worried when he hadn’t heard
from him in so long.  He knew that Daphne hadn’t even heard from him, and that
had worried Brian even more.  “Sucks as usual.  So settled in yet,” he asked. 
‘Take it only as far as he wants to take it,’ he told himself.  ‘Don’t push, or
else you’ll never hear from him again.’ Brian decided that if Justin wanted to
be friends he could do that – at least until he could convince the younger man
that they belonged together.  Brian knew that they did, at least that’s what he
had decided in the past two weeks.  He had never felt so alone and empty in his
life, as he had these past two weeks. 
 
Brian heard Justin laugh, and just hearing it brought a small smile to his
lips.  “Well, sorta.  I’m still staying at a small hotel, but I start my new
job tomorrow, so we’ll see.  My mom’s going to be coming down next week, and
we’re going to see about getting me a car. I mean, the Marta is great, but I
still need a car,” Justin babbled.
 
Brian tried not to laugh, as he heard Justin just babble away.  It had been too
long since he had heard that from the man.  Brian could only hope that it meant
that Justin was doing better.  “Marta,” he asked trying to get an idea of where
Justin was.
 
“The public transport system, silly.”
 
“Oh, yeah, I knew that,” Brian stated sarcastically.  He was beginning to feel
comfortable with the way the conversation was going.  The way the two were
conversing, it was like it had been before the bashing.  It was something that
Brian had missed, and hoped that this was a sign that things were going to be
okay.  “So are you going to tell me where the hell you are?”
 
Justin laughed earnestly.  “Okay, I’ll give you a hint, and you have to figure
it out.”  Brian cringed as he heard the challenge in Justin’s voice.  ‘Please
don’t let me fuck this up.  I know he’s testing me.  I just know it,’ he
thought.  “Jambalaya is always better the second day.”
 
‘What the fuck,’  Brian thought.  “You’re in Louisiana?”
 
“Nope, try again.  Think about when I said that and WHY it was better the
second day.” Brian could almost see the glint of mischief in Justin’s eye, and
see the smile on his face. 
 
Brian sat back and began to think.  ‘What happened during that time?  When the
fuck was it again,’ Brian asked himself as he tried to sort through their time
together.  ‘Mikey had just gotten promoted at the Big Q, right?  So what was it
about that?’  Suddenly it hit him.  Lindsey’s nasty phone call, the
confrontation with Justin’s parents, and farther back . . . the trick he had
brought home the night Justin had made them that meal.  “Fuck!  You’re in
Atlanta?”
 
“I can say that I’m impressed, Brian.  I didn’t think you’d figure it out,”
Justin praised him.
 
“Why the fuck Atlanta,” he grimly asked.  ‘Why the fuck way down there?  Why
not somewhere closer,’ he asked himself.  He had hoped that Justin was close
enough so that he could just go and keep an eye on him on the weekends.  But
Atlanta was well over fourteen hours away.  ‘Fuck!’
 
“I don’t know.  It was the first bus out of Pittsburgh that I could get,
Brian.  But it’s not too bad.  I mean, I wasn’t really thinking straight when I
got there, and I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible,” Brian
heard Justin’s voice take a slight sadness.  “When I first got here, I was so
fucking scared.  God. . .Fuck, Brian.  I really should let you go,”
 
“Why,” he asked, not really knowing why Justin suddenly wanted to get off the
phone.  All Brian knew was that he didn’t want Justin to go. 
 
“’Cause you’re at work, Brian.  You should be working,” Justin had told him
like he was a child.
 
As much as Brian wanted to tell Justin to fuck work, he knew he couldn’t. 
Justin was right, he really should get some of this crap done.  “Right, work,”
he stated.  “Listen, how about you call me tonight.  I want to hear all about
Hotlanta.”
 
“I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises.  I’m trying Brian, I really am.  It’s
just so hard right now.  But I’ll try,” Justin said.  Brian could relate.  It
was hard.  All he wanted to do was go to Justin, take him in his arms, and make
everything go away, but he knew that he couldn’t.  Justin needed to do this on
his own.  He needed to feel like he was an equal partner in whatever
relationship that he took part in. 
 
Of course Brian was determined to make Justin see that the relationship he
should be in was one with him, but he’d wait.  ‘Fuck, how the tables have
turned.  Wasn’t it a year ago that he was the one chasing me, telling me that
he loved me.  Now here I am doing the same exact thing,’ he realized.  ‘Fuck! 
He got to me worse than I thought.’  “Alright, but Justin, don’t shut us out. 
We do care what happens to you, okay?”
 
“Okay,” he heard Justin say.  To Brian, he had sounded a little off, but then
again -- with everything that the kid had been through this past couple of
years -- Brian would be off too.  “I’ll talk to you later?”
 
“Later,” he said, then hung up the phone.  ‘God,’ he thought.  ‘I never thought
it’d be this fucking hard.’  All Brian wanted to do was go and see for himself
how Justin was.  He wanted to talk to Justin about what he had learned that
night.  Brian knew that getting much work done the rest of the day was not
going to happen.  Especially since he was worried about Justin.  Yes, the young
man sounded alright, but then again, he had Brian believing that everything was
alright for months.  Brian hated to be made a fool of, and he had made a fool
of himself by believing that everything was alright.  ‘How did I expect Justin
to be alright when I wasn’t alright with it?’
 
Brian still could not believe what he had told Justin when he had found out
about Ethan.  At the time, he had thought it had fit, but knowing what he knows
now . . .Brian definitely would not have said it.  ‘Or would I,’ he asked
himself.  ‘They say hindsight is twenty-twenty.  If I had known that Justin
hadn’t recovered fully from the bashing last year, would I have told him he was
suffering from a love bashing?  Fuck, no wonder he left me,’ Brian cursed.  He
hated himself for being such a prick to Justin, and he secretly vowed that when
he got the chance again with Justin -- if he did -- he would try harder to
understand the young man. 
 
*****************
JUNE 2002
 
Brian walked into Liberty Diner a week later and immediately spotted Daphne and
Emmett sitting at the counter, and Ted, Michael, and Ben sitting at their usual
booth.  Silently, he walked up to Daphne and kissed her on the cheek.  “Hey,
Beautiful,” he said with a smile on his face.
 
“Stop it,” she laughed in reply.  “No not you, stupid,” she said in the phone. 
“Brian . . . Yes, here’s here, you wanna talk to him?  . . . Okay, just a sec .
. .”  Turning to Brian she handed him the phone.  “It’s Justin.”
 
Brian smiled as he grabbed her cell phone.  “What’ going on?”
 
“Not much, just on my lunch break, so I thought I’d call Daphne, so we could
talk.  Then of course Emmett was there so I just had to talk to him, and now
you.  So what’s up with you,” Justin asked.
 
“Same ol’ shit,” Brian replied.  “So you’re at work then,” he asked raising his
eyebrow at Daphne.  Justin had told him he had gotten a job, but Brian never
had the chance to find out any more information about it.  “Where at?”
 
Justin laughed over the phone, bringing a smile to Brian’s face.  Brian thanked
Deb for the cup of coffee that was set in front of him, as he waited for Justin
to answer.  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
 
Daphne leaned into Brian, and whispered in his free ear.  “He works for an ad
agency there, in the art department.”
 
“No shit,” Brian answered.  “An ad agency?”  Brian was shocked to say the
least.  He thought Justin would try and stay away from a place like that after
seeing what Brian went through. 
 
Hearing Justin’s sigh, Brian tried not to laugh.  “Yes, I work for an ad
agency, in the art department.  And don’t say anything, ‘cause I’m nothing like
the idiot twins that you had to deal with.  I actually have some talent.”
 
“I never said you didn’t,” he replied defensively.  “Trust me I would never
compare you to Brad, and Bob, or whatever the fuck their names were.”
 
Daphne began to reach for the phone in Brian’s hands, forcing the older man to
move away a little more.  “Give me the phone, before I make your extra
curricular activities come to a halt,” she threatened.  “I have plans to make
and you’re taking up my time.”
 
Brian started at her with disbelief.  “You gave me the fucking phone so you can
wait your turn,” he said holding the phone above his head to keep her from
getting it.  They could all hear Justin’s laughter coming from the phone.
 
Emmett however, grabbed the phone quickly and handed it to Daphne.  “Say good-
bye Brian,” Emmett said as he handed it back to Daphne.
 
“Traitor,” Brian glared at Emmett.  “Bye,” he said leaning into the phone now
clenched in Daphne’s hand.  Brian moved over to Emmett and leaned against the
younger man.  “So what plan is this?”
 
Emmett looked over to Brian with excitement in his eyes.  “Well, Daphne and I
are going down to see him for the Fourth of July weekend.  We have it all
planned out,” Emmett stated.  “It’ll be so much fun.  Can you believe it?”
 
Brian felt a sudden twinge of jealousy within his gut, at Emmett’s statement. 
“Really,” he said hiding his disappointment.  Justin had invited them and not
him.  Brian had hoped that he would get a chance to see the young artist soon. 
These past couple of weeks, hell these past couple of months, have been hard on
him.  He missed Justin immensely – not that he would tell any of them that. 
But he knew that Daphne and maybe even Emmett could tell.  “Well good for you. 
I hope you guys have fun,” he said turning away.  He didn’t want to think about
what Justin was doing down there in Atlanta.  ‘Not what. . . who,’ he
realized.  ‘Stop it, Justin can see whoever he wants to see, he can do whatever
he wants to do.  But damn why does it hurt this much that I’m not going down
there with them?’  Seeing the sympathetic look on Emmett’s face, Brian just
shook his head, and began to move away from the two.
 
However, before he could get two steps away, he felt Daphne’s hand on his arm. 
Turning to meet her eyes, he saw a small smile on her lips.  “Justin wants to
know if you’d be able to come down with us,” she asked with hope in her gaze.
 
Brian felt a sudden wave of hope fill his being.  “I think I could get the time
off,” he said, smiling.  ‘Justin wants to see me,’ he realized.  Brian knew
that he had wanted to see for himself how Justin was doing.  In their phone
conversations -- although few and far between -- Justin had stated that he was
doing fine, but Brian had to see for himself.  It wasn’t as though he didn’t
trust Justin, ‘cause he did.  It was just that he knew that Justin wouldn’t
tell them if something was wrong -- well wouldn’t tell him if something was
wrong -- for fear of hurting him.  This was Justin’s way of showing Brian that
things were going okay, that he was doing better.  Brian knew that Justin
understood his fears for the younger man.  Justin understood, that Brian had
feelings for him and wanted to ensure that he was safe – that no harm would
come to the man.  For that Brian was grateful.  He hadn’t always been able to
say what he was feeling, but Justin had always been able to understand what he
couldn’t say.  ‘Well at least before the bashing,’ he realized.  ‘Justin just
hadn’t been able to read me as well as he had before.  And I didn’t see it,
didn’t realize it.’  Knowing that he had failed to see the signs had caused
Brian many sleepless nights in resent weeks. 
 
Brian made his way over to the others, and cleared his mind, and facial
expressions.  It had taken a lot of time try and get over his anger at them,
but Brian finally was able to be calm about what had happened.  Although he was
still angry, he had calmed down enough so that he could try and get the answers
he wanted, or at least talk to them.  “Hey,” he said as he moved in to sit by
Mikey. 

Michael looked at him with a confused look.  “So you’re talking to us now,” he
said with a hint of anger in his voice.
 
‘Why the fuck are you pissed, Mikey,’  Brian thought.  ‘You’re the one who was
an ass not me.  You’re the one who butted in where you didn’t belong.’  “Why
wouldn’t I talk to you, Mikey?”
 
“Oh I don’t know, how about you haven’t talked to me in over a month.  I’ve
tried to call you, and you ignore me.  How about that,” he asked Brian.
 
Brian gave Mikey a tongue in cheek look, and shook his head.  Seeing Ben place
his hand on Michael’s shoulder, Brian tried not to laugh.  ‘It won’t work,
Ben,’ he thought to the other man.  ‘Mickey’s on one of his little tantrums. 
I’ve been through enough of those to know that once he gets started he won’t be
finished until he’s ready.’  “Michael, getting upset isn’t going to accomplish
anything.  Both of you are obviously upset, and maybe you two need some time
alone to try and work it out.”
 
‘Ben . . . ever the Buddhist.  Peace, love, harmony . . .  what bullshit,’
Brian thought.  ‘Gotta love him.’  “Look,” Brian began, taking a sip of his
coffee and looking at Michael over the rim of his cup.  “A lot of shit
happened, that I don’t even want to get into right now.  Everyone was in the
wrong, so what the fuck.  Why dwell in the past,” he stated calmly.  Brian
figured that if he tried to make amends with everyone that it would be the best
way to get the information he wanted.  He was actually still feeling angry with
all of them, and he almost felt ill just sitting there with them, knowing what
he knew already.  But he was smart enough to know, and knew Michael long enough
to know, that if he wanted to get anywhere he had to remain calm.  It was his
best bet.  “I only have one question, and then I’m over it.  We can go on with
our lives as if everything is okay.”
 
Michael looked over at him, and nodded.  “What?”
 
Although Brian had a lot of questions – one in particular – he knew that he
couldn’t ask all of them in front of the others.  And it would get Michael on
the defensive, which Brian didn’t want.  He also didn’t want to ‘cause any more
problems between Ben and Michael.  He wanted to know if Michael knew that
Justin had seen them that night all those months ago, but he knew that question
would have to wait.  “When did you tell Justin that I would never change,” he
asked taking another sip of his coffee, and then set it down to wait for an
answer.
 
“What?  I never said that,” Brian heard Michael explain.  Brian just gave him a
look that told the other man that he didn’t believe him.  “Okay, so I might
have said that to him . . . But Brian that was when he first started to hang
around us.  That was over a year ago.  Why are you bringing it up now?”
 
Brian thought about what he had learned, and tried not to laugh.  He knew that
Michael had months ago, told Justin that the only reason Brian had him at the
loft was because he felt guilty about what had happened to Justin.  ‘And that
almost ended badly.’  Brian wasn’t sure if he should believe Michael or not. 
He wanted to.  He wanted to believe that Michael wouldn’t betray him like that,
but he wasn’t sure anymore.  He would have to wait and see how things turned
out.  “Okay, that’s all I needed to know,” Brian answered the question
vaguely.  Inside however, Brian was thinking something entirely different.  ‘If
I find out you’re lying Michael, it’s over.’  “So what’s new in life?”
 
*****************
JULY 2002
 
Brian walked into the loft, threw his luggage in the bedroom, and sat down on
the couch.  Leaning his head against the back of the couch, Brian rubbed his
face with his hands.  He had just come back from Atlanta from seeing Justin,
and he had to admit to himself that hanging out with Daphne, Emmett, and Justin
in Atlanta, had actually been fun.  He had spent the entire day alone with
Justin on Saturday, and the two had talked a great deal about things.  However,
Brian was upset that it sounded like Justin was going to be staying there in
Atlanta, and not returning to Pittsburgh.  He had hoped that Justin would get
better and return home, but he also knew that he couldn’t ask Justin to give up
the job that he had, or the life that he was building for himself there.  Now
Brian had to think of someway to get there himself.  He knew that he wouldn’t
be able to stay away from Justin much longer.  Seeing Justin again – even for
just a couple of days – had caused an ache deep within his heart.  ‘And in my
cock,’ he thought to himself.  ‘God, Justin looked so fucking hot.’ 
 
Brian had to admit that his time in Atlanta had been good for Justin.  He
looked older, more relaxed, and hotter than ever.  Brian didn’t think that he
could ache for Justin more than he already did, but seeing him again, Brian
knew that he was wrong.  All he had wanted to do on Saturday, when Daphne and
Emmett went shopping and left the two alone, was to take Justin to his hotel
and spend all day in bed.  Justin however, had other plans.  The two found
themselves just walking in the various parks throughout the city, and talked –
really talked.  Brian had always known that Justin was intelligent, but the he
quickly found himself admiring Justin even more.  They had talked about
everything from the stock market, to the latest fashion.  They were actually
becoming friends, which was something that they never had before.  Never had
Brian taken the time to learn about Justin’s real passions, his time growing
up, everything, at least not before the break-up.  Yes, they had talked, but
not about the things that Brian was discovering now. 
 
They hadn’t talked about that day in the loft, or anything that was mentioned
that day, but Brian knew that it would take time.  They were becoming friends
now, and Brian was finding himself opening up more, and telling Justin things
that no one had ever known about before.  It felt good to get things out in the
open, and have someone that he could share things with.  Brian knew that some
of the things that he had told Justin, Michael didn’t even know.  The fact that
Justin had been his lover, had actually eased the tension between them,
allowing them to be open more with each other than anyone else in their lives. 
There were things about Brian that he knew Michael would never understand, that
Justin would.  Things with his father, that Justin understood, things in life,
that only Justin could understand.  Brian was grateful. 
 
He only hoped that this would lead to a much deeper connection with them, so
that when they got back together, it would be forever.  ‘Yes, it is when not
if,’ Brian told himself.  ‘I’m not going to let the miles get in my way of
getting back together with him.  I’ll find a way.’ Brian was more determined
than ever before to have Justin in his life.  Justin had made the comment that
Brian had changed in the past couple of months, and Brian hadn’t had the nerve
to tell him why.  He hadn’t been able to tell Justin that he had changed ‘cause
he had finally realized what the younger man had meant to him.  He had finally
realized that he had wanted the man in his life with the doors locked. 
 
Justin had definitely been getting things straight in his mind during his time
there.  He had even told Brian that he had been seeing a shrink to help him get
over what had happened, and hopefully help him remember that night in more
detail.  For that, Brian was happy.  He could tell that whatever the shrink was
doing was helping the young man; ‘cause Justin seemed more like his old self
than ever before.  He appeared to be more at ease.  Gone was the young man of
the past year, and the young, energetic, happy man that Brian had seen under
the lamppost was reemerging.  He saw Justin smile more in the past four days
than he had seen in months.  ‘Now all I have to do is try and find a way to get
down to Atlanta to stay.  Or get him up here,’Brian planned.  He had to think
of some way so that he could work on Justin, and get the younger man back into
his life as a partner. 
 
Brian had heard Vance talking about the possibility of buying out a firm in
Georgia, and Brian could only hope that it was there in or near by Atlanta.  If
it was, be would most definitely have to talk to Vance and try and convince the
man that he had to be there.  All he had to do was come up with the best way to
sell the idea to his partner. 
 
Brian reached over and picked up the phone.  He had promised Justin that he
would call when he got in, and he knew that he wouldn’t break his promise. 
‘Not when I’m trying to get him back,’Brian thought.  Dialing the number, Brian
sat back on the couch and kicked his feet up.  “Hello,” Justin’s voice
answered.
 
Although it had only been hours, Brian smiled at the sound of the younger man’s
voice.  “Hey,” Brian replied. 
 
“So, I see, you made it back okay.”  Brian rolled his eyes slightly at the
obvious statement.  “When did you get in?”
 
Brian smiled slightly, closing his eyes, and picturing Justin sitting beside
him.  “About five minutes ago.  And since I was told to call the minute I came
in,” Brian said sarcastically.
 
“You knew what I meant, asshole,” Justin laughed.  “Don’t get smart.”
 
“It’s what I do best, you should know that by now.”  Brian reached into his
carryon bag, and pulled out the pictures that the group had taken on the trip. 
“So have you decided on the house yet?”
 
Brian started to glance through the pictures and smiled at the memory they
invoked in his mind.  They had a great time, and he had never felt closer to
Justin before.  “I think so,” he heard Justin reply.  “I mean with the job and
everything, it’s not like I can just pack up and leave now, right?  I couldn’t
do that to them.  So I figured that I don’t really want to spend all that money
on renting a place, when I can get my own.  If I decide to sell years from now,
that’s fine, but I don’t know.  Things are just too strange right now.  But I
think I will.”  Brian closed his eyes from the pain he had felt at Justin’s
acknowledgement.  ‘He’s not coming home.’  “Are you okay with that, Brian?  I
mean . . . You’re not mad at me or anything ‘cause I’ve decided to stay here.”
 
“Justin you need to do what’s right for you,” Brian began.  As much as he hated
the thought of Justin being so far away, he knew that he couldn’t deny Justin a
chance to be what he wanted to be – an equal.  He would get down there to
Atlanta, and he will be with Justin again.  If there was anything that Brian
had learned from this trip was that Justin felt he had to prove to himself that
he could make it -- that he was strong again.  Brian wasn’t going to deny him
the chance.  “Have I told you how proud I am of you,” he asked.
 
“Not in the last couple of hours,” Justin replied.  Brian could see in his mind
Justin’s face light up.  God, how he missed that already, I miss HIM.
 
“Well I am.”  Brian knew that he missed Justin, and from their talk during the
weekend, he knew that Justin missed him.  They just needed time apart to get
their own lives, their own dreams taken care of.  They both needed to grow up a
little more, before they could fully commit themselves to any relationship.  In
time, if they decided that they could, or wanted to have a relationship with
each other, then they would be ready for that type of commitment.  Justin had
told Brian that if they were to ever try again, there would be locks on the
door.  It would be forever.  Brian knew that he would have to come to terms
with that word, that feeling.  Forever.  It was a long time.  Of course that
was what he had been finding himself wanting more and more as time went on.  He
wanted Justin forever; now all he had to do was prove it to Justin.  ‘And
waiting for Justin to come around, is just what I have to do,’he rationalized. 
‘Of course that doesn’t’ mean that it’s fucking easy.’
 
Brian and Justin talked for another hour before saying their good-byes.  When
Brian hung up the phone he picked up the pictures from the trip and stared at
one of Justin and him.  ‘I can wait,’ he thought knowing in his heart that it
was true. 
 
*****************
AUGUST 2002
 
Brian walked down the halls of Vanguard heading toward his office.  He had just
left a private meeting with Vance, and now he needed to make plans.  Never
before had be been so pleased with one of his private meetings, but this time
was different.  Vance had just informed Brian that his plans to buy out a firm
in Georgia had been going well, and that within the next month or so they would
now be charge of one of the top companies in Atlanta.  Vance was also pleased
with this deal because the company that he was buying out had a lot of dealings
internationally, which meant a great deal more money coming in.  Brian
congratulated Vance on a job well done, and was shocked when Vance had told him
that he wanted Brian to head up the team there.  ‘I want someone there I can
trust to do the job, Brian.  I need someone there who will keep these people on
their toes, and who will help bring in the large accounts.  I need you.’  Brian
tried to hide the smile that he was sure would appear.  He had just told Vance
that he would be willing to relocate, and he would ensure that things are taken
care of on that end. 
 
Inside however, Brian was ecstatic.  He was going to be in Atlanta.  He was
going to be near Justin.  Things were finally looking up for the first time in
months.  Reaching his office, he opened his door, and motioned Cynthia to come
in for a second.  After he sat down behind his desk, he looked up to see his
secretary come in and close the door.  She had a pad of paper in her hand, and
Brian could only hope that she felt the same way he did.  “I was just told by
Vance that we’re buying out a company in Atlanta.”
 
“I heard rumors, but I wasn’t sure if it was true,” she said sitting down in
the chair across from her long-time boss.  “What does that have to do with
you?”

“I’ll be heading the team there,” he informed her looking at her. 
 
Brian rested his steepled hands against his lips, hoping to figure out a way to
ask her.  He had never been one to openly tell someone that he needed them, but
he knew that he did in fact need Cynthia.  If it hadn’t been for her, he never
would’ve gotten to where he was today.  He knew this.  He also wasn’t stupid
enough not to know that there really weren’t many people who could put up with
him the way she did.  Brian watched as Cynthia look directly at him, as if to
try and guess what was going through his mind.  She had always been good at
that, despite Brian’s denial to that very fact.  It seemed like she found what
she was looking for.  Nodding her head she smiled.  “So when do we leave?”
 
*****************
SEPTEMBER 2002
 
Brian walked into the small café after a late night at work.  It was close to
midnight, but Daphne had made him promise to meet her there so that they could
talk.  The two had gotten pretty close during the past couple of months, both
needing someone whom they could talk to about Justin.  The two of them worked
hard to try and come up with different ways to help Justin, and lately they had
talked about Brian’s move down south.  Daphne was thrilled that Brian would be
there for Justin, and that this could mean that the two men could get back
together.  Brian could almost see the wheels turning in her head as more and
more ideas come into her mind.  He knew that she was one of his greatest allies
in the ‘battle to win Justin back.’  He admired her ideas, and took them to
heart. 
 
Just this past week, Brian had learned from Vance which company he had bought
out, and that Brain would be expected to be able to leave in a month.  He had
then heard from Justin that he had helped to get one of the largest
international campaigns that the company had ever received.  Of course now,
Brain knew that Vance had bought out the company that Justin belonged to, he
also knew that what Justin had helped to do, was the deciding factor for
Vance.  The thought that he would be able to see Justin everyday, pleased him
to no end.  He was proud of the young artist, and knew that Justin was finally
beginning to feel like Brian’s equal.  He didn’t feel that he was completely
there yet, but with enough time, he would. 
 
Brian walked into the café, and headed over to the table that he had spotted
Daphne in.  “Well don’t you look lovely,” he said as he kissed her lightly on
the cheek.  As usual Brian could see the signs of a blush creeping on her face,
and he just loved to tease the girl.  “So how was your day,” he asked sitting
down in the chair across from her at the table.
 
“It wasn’t too bad.  Did Justin tell you about that account,” she said
excitedly.
 
“I talked to him about a couple of hours ago.  He said that Nate was going to
take him out to celebrate tonight,” he stated, trying to hide the jealousy out
of his voice.  It wasn’t that he thought that there was anything between Nate
and Justin, it was just that HE had wanted to be the one to take Justin out. 
 
“You don’t do jealousy well,” she said as if reading his mind.
 
Brian looked at her in disbelief.  “I am not jealous.”
 
“But you wanted to take him out,” she stated.  Brian saw her reach across the
table and place her hand on top of his.  “Don’t worry, Brian.  Soon you’ll be
able to take Justin out, and wine and dine him all you want.  Just remember
what I said.  I don’t want to hear that either one of you screwed it up,” she
threatened.  Daphne had told Brian what he needed to do to win Justin back,
what Justin had told her he wanted.  Of course it was always Brian, but the
smaller stuff that Brian didn’t know about, she had been sure to inform him
of.  He was glad that she was there to help him out, and that she had wanted to
see the two together again.  Brian knew that in order to get Justin to see that
fact, he would need her help.  “Anyway, when do you leave?”
 
Brian took a deep breath, and smiled at her.  “I move their permanently in
about a month, but I need to go down there in the next couple of days to try
and set the final paperwork finished, and get things settled down there.”
 
“So are you going to see Justin when you’re down there?”
 
“We talked about it, and I don’t think that it’s really any of your business,”
he said knowing that he was lying to her.  “We shall see.  It’s up to him.”
 
Daphne was about to say something more when they heard Brian’s cell phone
ring.  Brian sat back to look at her and shrugged.  Pulling out his cell, Brian
noticed that he didn’t recognize the number on the caller ID.  “Hello?”
 
“Is this Brain?”
 
“Speaking, who is this?”
 
“Hi, I’m Kate, do you remember me,” she asked him.  Brian remembered the young
lady that Justin had befriended down there in Atlanta.  To Brian she was almost
as bubbly as Daphne was.  She always seemed happy.  However, there was
something about the tone of her voice that caused Brian’s gut to twist, and
tighten.  Something was wrong, and he began to pray that it wasn’t what he
thought it was.
 
“I remember.  What happened?  Is Justin okay?”  Brian knew that it had to be
something with Justin, but what he didn’t know.  Brian saw Daphne lean forward
to try and hear what was happening.  When he saw the question in her eyes,
Brian could only shrug.
 
Brian heard Kate take a deep breath, trying to hold back any tears that were
coming to the surface.  Her next words caused Brian’s world to collapse in on
him.  His worse fears were realized, and Brian knew that he had to leave
tonight.
 
“There’s been an accident.  Justin’s in the hospital.”
 
 
INTERLUDE #2
 
                   Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play
                   And we ride on them things like every day
                 Big beats, hit streets, see gangsta's roamin'
                And parties dont stop til' eight in the mornin'
             --Welcome to Atlanta by: Jermaine Dupri and Ludicris
 
WEDNESDAY JULY 3, 2002
 
Justin stood outside the gate, waiting for the doors to open so that he could
get his first glimpse in months of his friends.  He hadn’t realized how much he
had missed them, until that moment.  With his new job, his house hunt, his
volunteer work at YouthPride, his sessions with Marsha, and everything else he
was working on, he hadn’t had time to really think about much of anything. 
Justin began to rock back and forth, trying to ease his tension and
excitement.  ‘God, what will Brian think of me?  Will he like my new look? 
What will I feel when I see him again?’  Questions upon questions appeared in
his mind, making him second – no one hundredth – guess his choice in asking
them down here.  ‘Will they get along with my new friends?  Fuck, what was I
thinking,’ he thought ready to turn around and go home.
 
Justin was halted mid-turn by a hand on his shoulder.  “Will you fucking
chill?  God, you’re worse than Kelly when she’s getting ready for a hot date,”
Justin’s companion stated.  Kate was about twenty-five, five-six, slender,
athletic woman who treated Justin like a kid brother.  Justin met Kate at work
his first day, when he was assigned to her group.  The two got along great
after they had met, and had quickly become great friends.  She reminded him of
Daphne, which made Justin feel a lot better about things.  He knew that he had
someone who he could talk to, and she would always listen.  Kate also would
tell him often how fucked up he was, especially when she had found out about
his ex-boyfriend.  “Come on, it’s not like you’re meeting the President of the
United States here, they’re your friends.”
 
“And Brian,” Justin added looking down at his hands. 
 
“Now, that’s a person I just HAVE to meet.  If he is anything like what you
described . . . god,” she breathed.  “So quit being a drama princess, and stay
put.”
 
Justin just rolled his eyes at his friend, and took a deep breath.  “Fine,” he
said turning his attention back to the gate.  As he continued to watch the
gate, Justin brought his thumb up to his mouth, and started to chew on his
nail.  “Fuck, what’s taking so long,” he exclaimed.
 
Kate grabbed a hold of his hand and pulled away from his mouth.  “Will you
fucking stop already?  You’re making me nervous.”
 
Both turned when they started to see people exiting the gate, and Justin began
to look through the crowd for a familiar face.  Immediately he spotted Emmett,
and he tried not to laugh.  Emmett was dressed in a tight pink mid-drift shirt,
and tight orange leather pants.  It would’ve been hard NOT to notice Emmett. 
Directly behind him was Daphne, who looked the same as she always did.  She
wore a simple short white tank-top and blue jeans, which Justin knew that if
her boyfriend saw her in that tank-top, he would kill her.  However, it was
Brian that caught his attention most of all.  ‘God, he looks fucking hot,’
Justin thought as he caught sight of his former lover.  Brian was wearing a red
button down shirt which was opened to mid-chest, and extremely tight black
jeans.  “Fuck,” Justin whispered.  Turning to Kate, Justin sighed.  “This is
going to be harder than I thought.”
 
Kate looked over at the group that was heading their way, with wide eyes.  She
leaned into Justin and whispered in his ear.  “That’s Brian.  Holy Fuck!  Why
did you ever let him go?  Too bad he’s gay,” she stated exasperated. 
 
Justin just rolled his eyes, and made his way over to his friends.  Daphne was
the first to reach him, and she immediately pulled him into a hug.  “Daph, I
need to breathe,” Justin joked as she held tight to him.
 
Justin felt Daphne pull away and then a sting on his arm as she punched him. 
“Asshole.”
 
“What did I do now,” Justin exclaimed.  “I’m an innocent party to whatever
you’re thinking.”
 
Daphne pulled back more, and crossed her arms over her chest.  “Yeah, right. 
Since when have you been innocent?”
 
“Before I met you,” Justin stated with a smile.  “I missed you, Daph.”  Justin
pulled her into another hug, then turned to the other two who were standing
there watching.  “Emmett, I’m glad you could come.”
 
Emmett immediately ran to Justin and pulled him into a tight hug himself,
running his hands over his body as if to check for any changes.  “Oh baby, it
has been so quiet without you,” the other man cried.  Emmett pulled Justin back
to look at his face, then pulled him back into his arms tighter.
 
Justin felt as if he was going to die if Emmett didn’t let go.  He never knew
that Emmett was this strong.  “Emmett, please . . . can’t breath,” he tried to
get out between breaths.  Emmett let go of him and Justin tried to get air into
his lungs.  “I’m missed you too, Emmett.  But damn, what is it with all of you
trying to kill me?”  Justin laughed at how good it was at seeing his friends
again.  He turned to Brian wondering if Brian would be the one to kill him. 
“You’re not going to hold me in a death grip are you,” he asked with one of his
sunshine smiles on his face. 
 
Brian looked at him, and opened his arms.  “Come here,” Brian stated.  Justin
just walked into the awaiting arms, and sighed.  ‘God, I’ve fucking missed
this,’ he thought.  ‘How many times have I wanted this in the past couple of
months?  How many times have I almost gotten onto the bus heading back to
Pittsburgh, and Brian?’  Justin felt Brian’s arms wrap lightly around him, but
to Justin it felt like the tightest grip of all of them.  For the first time in
months he finally felt completely safe.  When he felt the light pressure of
Brian’s lips on the top of his head, Justin began to feel tears starting to
come to his eyes.  ‘God, I’ve missed you Brian.’  Justin felt Brian pull back
slightly and place his hand on Justin’s chin.  “What is this,” he asked with a
smile.
 
Justin pulled back and smiled at Brian, hoping that the other man didn’t see
the tears that were threatening to come to the surface.  “It’s called a goatee,
and don’t ask.  Come on, I want you guys to meet my friend,” he said taking
Brian’s hand instinctively, and moved them through the crowd toward his
friend.  “Guys, this is Kate.  Kate, this is Daphne, Emmett, and Brian.”
 
Kate held out her hand and shook each of the gang’s in return.  “Justin has
told me so much about you guys that I feel like I already know you.”  Justin
saw her take an appreciative look over to Brian then looked at him with a ‘are
you crazy’ look that he had learned well.  Justin just returned her look with
one of his own.  ‘Leave it the fuck alone, Kate,’ it said.  Kate just nodded,
but Justin knew that she wasn’t going to give up on this.  “So how ‘bout we get
your stuff, and get the fuck out of here?”
 
Justin flicked his finger at her ear, hoping to let her know that she needed to
stay out of it.  “Thank god, we don’t have to stay with you for the weekend,”
he said with a satisfied look on his face.  He didn’t want her trying to force
an issue between him and Brian.  The last thing he needed right now was that
little extra stress.  He had enough to deal with; he didn’t think he could
handle anyone else trying to get them back together.  ‘If we get back together,
it will be on our own terms,’ he decided.  ‘I’m not ready for that.  And anyway
we’re like hundreds of miles away from each other, it’s not like we can be
together right now.  I am so fucked.’
 
Kate turned to Daphne, and shook her head.  “I still don’t know why you guys
aren’t staying at our place.  It’s a three bedroom apartment, and we have the
room.”
 
Justin laughed, not noticing that he still held Brian’s hand in his own as they
made their way toward the baggage claim.  He felt good, and calm.  He felt
safe.  Brian always had that effect on him, and subconsciously he wasn’t ready
to be rid of it.  “Yeah right.  I don’t think that Kelly would like it if we
all stayed there especially since she has these big plans with her boyfriend. 
Then where would everyone sleep?  Brian and Emmett sure as hell can’t sleep on
the couch, they’re much too big for that small ass couch you have.  And why
should I subject them to your little hetro love nest with your boyfriend.  I
don’t think so,” he laughed.
 
Brian pulled on Justin’s hand forcing Justin to realize he still had a hold of
it.  Silently he cursed himself for doing it.  He didn’t want to go down that
path; he didn’t want to give Brian the wrong signals when he was so screwed up
in the head.  But Justin knew that he couldn’t let go even if he forced to.  He
had been having a hard time since Pride last weekend, and Justin needed the
anchor that Brian could provide.  He needed that strength.  “Be nice,” Brian
whispered in his ear.
 
Justin just turned to face Brian, unconsciously bringing their faces closer
together.  “I am being nice,” Justin said with a smile.  “And besides,” he
began as he turned back to Kate after noticing how close he was to Brian’s
lips.  All he wanted to do was take Brian’s lips onto his own, but he knew he
couldn’t.  ‘Someday,’ he said to himself, repeating the same words that Brian
had told him on the anniversary of the bashing.  “Brian had gotten us rooms at
the Georgian Terrace Hotel,” Justin said with a smug look on his face. 
  
 Kate stopped in the middle of the walkway forcing everyone to collide into one
another.  “No, shit!  Fuck!  You lucky bastard!  Can I come and visit?”
  
 Justin just raised his eyebrows in response.  “Maybe,” he said. 
  
 Justin saw Kate look at Brian, and sigh.  “Marry me,” she said.
  
 Justin removed his hand from Brian’s and took a hold of Kate’s arm.  “NO!”
  
 “But. . .”
  
 “No,” Justin said as he continued to pull her down the hallway with the others
not far behind.  “God, what is it with all my friends and them wanting Brian,”
he exclaimed as he pulled her as far away from Brian as possible, as he heard
everyone else laughing behind them.  Justin quickly turned around and looked
directly at Brian.  “You’re not helping at all.”
 
*************
 
The gang arrived at the hotel, and made their way into their room.  Brian had
reserved one of the three bedroom suites for them, and Brian could tell that
Justin was grateful.  Brian began to wonder where Justin was going to sleep. 
He knew where he wanted the young man to sleep, but it would be entirely up to
the young man.  He wouldn’t push, but it would be nice to just hold him again –
the hug at the airport was enough to make Brian want more.  Daphne just shook
her head in disbelief as she moved her bag to her room.  “I still can’t believe
that your mom got you a Mustang.  Especially a convertible,” she exclaimed as
she moved to sit down in the common area of the suite. 
 
“I know, it was totally awesome.  I can tell you that its great to be able to
drive down I-20 with the top down, music blaring, not a care in the world.” 
Justin sat down on the couch and gave a small laugh.  “It makes you feel free,
you know.  You know, like you don’t have anything holding you back.  You’ll
love it,” he finished with a smile on his face.
 
Brian came and sat down next to Justin wanting to as close to the man as
possible.  He could tell that Justin wasn’t as calm and centered as he was
trying to portray, but he would have to wait to get some answers.  Justin did
seem more relaxed, but Brian knew that there was something bothering him.  He
wondered if it was him being there.  He hoped not, but he would have to wait
and see.  The last thing he wanted to have when he talked to Justin was an
audience.  He didn’t want any outside interference when he tried to win Justin
back.  That’s where they went wrong before.  Everyone wanted to make things
right, make things better between him and Justin, and all it had done was drive
them further and further apart.  No this time, Brian was going to do it right. 
He wouldn’t pressure Justin, and he wouldn’t allow anyone else to pressure him
either.  “So what do you have planned for us this weekend,” he asked hoping to
get some idea of when he could talk to Justin alone.
 
“Well, tomorrow of course we’ll go to Centennial Park for the Fourth of July
festivities.  Friday, we can just go and see some sites.  But I do have
something I have to do Friday, so you’ll have to fend for yourselves for a
little while,” he stated. 
 
Brian could tell that Justin was holding something back, and he needed to know
what.  He watched Justin closely as he asked, and watched as the young man’s
eyes move to his hands.  “Well, I have to see Marsha,” he said earning a look
from Brian.  “She’s my shrink,” he said as explanation.
 
That got everyone’s attention, and Brian could see Justin withdraw slightly
when questions came rushing at him from Emmett and Daphne.  The last thing that
Brian wanted was for Justin to shut them out now.  “Enough from the peanut
gallery,” he said glaring at the two parties on the other side of the room. 
 
“She just feels that a week is too long between sessions, and she wanted to
make sure that I was okay with all of you down here,” Justin said as he stood
to walk over to the window overlooking the city.  Brian gave Daphne and Emmett
a look that told them that they were in trouble, and if they opened their mouth
again he would ‘cause them serious pain. 
 
Brian moved from the couch and walked over to Justin by the window.  Placing
his hands on Justin’s shoulders, he pulled the young man against his chest
hoping to calm him some.  After a minute he felt Justin began to relax against
him, and Brian was glad that his touch still calmed the younger man.  “I’m sure
we can entertain ourselves for a while,” Brian said trying to get Justin to
calm even more.
 
Justin turned in his arms, and gave him a grateful smile.  Brian let him go as
they moved back to the couch.  “Actually she wants to meet all of you.  I guess
she wants to hear what you guys know about what happened.  She thinks it could
help her better understand how to help me come to terms with everything.”
 
Brian grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand and held it in his own.  “Is that what
you want?”
 
Justin just shrugged and held tightly onto Brian’s hand.  “Yeah, sure.  I mean
talking to her has helped, but it seems as if we’ve hit like a roadblock. 
Since I don’t really know what happened, I don’t remember, she figures that
talking to the three of you she might get an idea.”  Brian closed his eyes
briefly and took a deep breath.  He hadn’t talked about what happened since he
was trying to get Justin to remember.  ‘Well not counting our phone call a
couple of months ago, but that wasn’t really talking about it.’  Brian felt
Justin’s eyes drilling into him.  “But I told her that it would be up to you
guys.  I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with.  I
mean, I can understand if you don’t want to do this.  I won’t be mad or upset.”
 
Brian squeezed Justin’s hand a little tighter, thankful that Justin was trying
to ease his pain and guilt.  What Brian didn’t want Justin to see was the anger
that Justin didn’t think that he would do anything to help him, even if it
meant that he would have to talk about it.  “Why not?  If it’ll help, I’m in,”
he said taking a look at the other two and getting an agreement from both. 
 
The room fell silent with everyone lost in their own thoughts until Daphne
stood up and stretched.  “Well we have a big day tomorrow, and I need my beauty
sleep,” she said as he went over and gave Justin a hug.  “Night.”
 
“Night,” Brian replied noticing that Emmett quickly followed suit and headed to
his room.  Brian turned to face Justin who was sitting there staring at the
fall wall.  “You looked tired,” he said taking a close look at Justin.  For the
first time since he had seen Justin that day, he noticed the small bags under
Justin’s eyes, and tired look about him.  ‘He’s learned to guard himself from
everyone.  He doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s feeling,’ Brian thought
sadly.  ‘He’s becoming like me.  Fuck!  At least he feels he doesn’t have to
hide from me.  I guess that’s a plus.’
 
Justin stretched, and rolled his neck hoping to ease the tension that Brian
knew was there.  “It’s been a busy week.  With Pride last week, and you guys’
visit, then there was work, and everything else . . . I guess I haven’t been
sleeping well.”
 
Brian leaned his back against the side armrest of the couch and pulled Justin
to him.  Gently he began to massage the muscles of Justin’s shoulders and
neck.  Brian could feel the tightness there and began to knead the tight
muscles, hoping to relax Justin enough so that the young man could sleep. 
“You’re as stiff as a board,” he said as he felt Justin give in to his
ministrations.  “Relax,” he breathed against Justin’s ear. 
 
He noticed Justin’s head dip forward with his eyes closed.  “That feels good,”
he said in a quiet voice that brought a smile to Brian’s face. 
 
Brian noticed Justin begin to nod off, and decided that he wasn’t ready to get
up and lose contact with him yet.  “Sleep, I’m right here.  I won’t let you
go,” he breathed into Justin’s ear as he felt the young man begin to fall into
a deep sleep.  Brian pulled Justin closer against him, and wrapped his arms
around him so that they could lay back on the couch.  Brian didn’t want to
move, so he just placed his head against Justin’s and closed his own eyes.  “I
won’t let you go,” he said as sleep over took him. 
 
 
*************
THURSDAY JULY 4, 2002
 
Brian opened his eyes to see Emmett and Daphne looking at him from the kitchen
area.  He glanced down and saw the top of Justin’s head.  Sometime during the
night Justin had curled up to him on his side to rest his head under Brian’s
chin, and lay his arm over Brian’s chest.  It was a comfortable position for
the two of them.  ‘Except this damn couch isn’t made to sleep in,’ Brian
thought.  Looking over at the two in the kitchen he gave them a small smile. 
“What time is it,” he asked quietly, not wanting to wake Justin up yet.  The
kid was exhausted, and Brian knew that Justin needed his sleep. 
 
“Almost nine,” Emmett said as he brought Brian a cup of coffee.  “Should we
wake him up?  He looks so peaceful,” Emmett asked him.
 
Brian set his cup down on one of the side tables, careful not to wake Justin. 
Lightly he began to run his finger behind Justin’s ear, hoping not to startle
him.  Brian felt Justin slap his hand away in his sleep, but Brian just went
back to the same spot.  “Justin,” he whispered in Justin’s ear as the other man
once again tried to hit his hand.
 
“Noo,” he heard Justin groan as the young man’s head buried itself deeper in
Brian’s chest.  “Go away.”
 
“Time to wake up sleepyhead,” Brian said as he continued to tickle Justin’s
ear. 
 
“Too early . . . tired . . . sleep,” came the jumbled reply from the head deep
in Brian’s chest.
 
“Justin,” Brian repeated.  He looked up at Daphne and Emmett, and spotted their
amused looks.  Brian just rolled his eyes, as he continued to try and wake
Justin up.  ‘God, this kid can sleep though anything.’ “Justin, get up.  I
think my dick is asleep,” he whispered in Justin’s ear.
 
Brian felt Justin’s hand glide down his stomach, and cup his cock causing Brian
to bite the inside of his lip to keep from making any noise.  “Nope,” Justin
mumbled as he began to lightly stoke Brian through his jeans.  “It’s wide
awake,” he heard Justin laugh.  Brian pushed Justin up to a sitting position
which caused Justin to cry out.  “No,” he groaned.  “Asshole.”
 
Brian leaned into Justin, and lightly kissed his neck.  “Do that again, and
I’ll show you just how awake it is,” he whispered seductively in Justin’s ear,
then making sure to give it a little lick as he moved away.  Justin had buried
his face in his hands, and leaned forward on the couch.  Brian tried not to
laugh at Justin’s obvious discomfort at being woken up.  “Trying to wake you up
has always been a challenge, Sunshine,” Brian said as he reached back to get
his coffee.  “Fuck, I don’t think I can move.  This couch was not made for
people my size.”
 
Justin looked over at Brian, and gave him an evil look.  “I’m just not a
morning person,” Justin said.
 
“No shit,” both Brian and Daphne replied. 
 
Justin stuck his tongue out at the two, and stood up.  Brian tried not to laugh
as Justin had a hard time trying to get to the kitchen.  “I’m not awake yet,
and already I’m getting picked on.  Fuck, see if I ever invite you guys back
down here.”
 
“Oh quit with the drama queen performance, already,” Brian said taking a sip of
his coffee.  “How the hell do you make it to work everyday?”
 
“My car has autopilot,” Justin laughed as he got himself a cup of coffee. 
Brian could relate to the auto piloted car.  ‘Hell how many times have I gotten
to work and couldn’t remember how I got there?’ “What time is it?”
 
“Nine,” Daphne said as she grabbed a bagel out of the basket of food that
evidentially she had order that morning.  Brian wasn’t sure who did, but he was
grateful that there was something there. 
 
Brian knew that Justin just wasn’t awake without food, coffee, and a possible
blow-job in the morning.  Brian had to hide his smile at his last thought
before anyone saw it.  Unfortunately, he had been caught.  “What are you
smiling about,” Justin asked him as he sat down next to him with coffee and a
bagel in his hand. 
 
Brian just looked at Justin and smiled.  “Nothing.  Nothing at all.”  Brian
could tell that Justin didn’t believe him, so he just shrugged.  “So let’s get
ready to go to this little shindig, shall we?”
 
*************
 
As night came across the city, the four sat near the center of the park on a
blanket that Justin had brought.  Brian was laying on his back, looking up at
the sky, while the others just sat around him, talking.  Justin was trying to
resist the urge to curl up beside Brian to watch the fireworks display.  Justin
tapped Brian with his foot, hoping to get his attention.  “You’re not asleep
are you?”
 
Brian looked up at Justin and rolled his eyes.  “No, just waiting for this
thing to start.”  Justin tried not to laugh as Brian reached over and began to
tickle his side.  Justin felt himself being pulled down on the ground as Brian
continued his assault on Justin’s side. 
 
“Stop.  Brian,” Justin tried to get out as he tried to breath.  Brian rolled on
top of Justin as he continued his assault, pinning Justin to the ground. 
Justin tried to fight him off, but Brian was too heavy, and had the right
leverage over him.  “Daph, Emmett . . . Help!”  Justin could see out of the
corner of his eye, Daphne and Emmett just sitting there laughing at this
display before them.  “Brian get off,” Justin began between breaths.  He knew
that the only way to get Brian off of him – at least he hoped it still would –
would be to get him onto something else.  “Have you gained weight ‘cause you
weigh a ton.”
 
Justin felt Brian stop, and he breathed a sigh of relief.  ‘Finally,’ he
thought.  But his victory was short lived, as Brian placed his forehead against
Justin’s he ground their hips together.  Not knowing what Brian was planning on
doing, Justin looked in his eyes for some sign.  Brian leaned into him, and
Justin began to close his eyes instinctively waiting for a kiss.  A kiss that
never happened.  Justin felt Brian’s breath by his ear, and he felt a sudden
burst of fear.  It wasn’t as if he was afraid of Brian, ‘cause he knew that
Brian would never hurt him, it was a good type of fear that always went along
with some of their most memorable moments.  “You really are asking for it
aren’t you, Justin?”  Justin opened his eyes to see Brian looking down at him.
When Brian leaned back down, Justin felt Brian run his tongue across behind his
ear, causing a suddenly reaction in his groin.  “Maybe someone needs a little
lesson,” Justin felt Brian whisper in his ear.  Before Justin could react, he
felt Brian roll off of him, and move away. 
 
Justin felt a sudden emptiness at the loss, and closed his eyes briefly to
recompose himself.  ‘Fuck!  I’m am so screwed,’ he thought as he took a deep
breath.  Sitting up he looked over at Brian, and just shook his head.  All he
wanted to do at that moment was leave and get Brian into bed.  He wanted to
feel Brian’s lean body as it hovered over him, feel Brian’s lips as they ran
across his body, feel Brian’s mouth on his cock, feel Brian buried deep inside
him.  He wanted it all at that moment, but he knew he couldn’t.  ‘Stop it,
Justin,’ he thought to himself.  ‘You left him, remember.  You broke his heart,
you hurt him.  Don’t start down a path that you know you can’t continue on. 
You can’t hurt him again,’ he told himself.  “Asshole,” Justin told Brian,
hoping that it would show Brian that he was okay with their little display, but
to also know that he wasn’t ready.  The two had always been able to communicate
what they weren’t saying with looks – something that had been lost the last few
months of their relationship – but Justin had hoped it was still there. 
 
When Brian nodded, Justin knew that he understood what he was saying.  As the
two man looked at each other, they started to hear an announcement that the
show was starting.  Brian leaned back down on the grass, and pulled Justin to
him.  Justin placed his head on Brian’s shoulder as they began to watch the
show, taking comfort in each other’s presence.
 
*************
FRIDAY JULY 5, 2002
 
Justin opened his eyes, and quickly closed them again silently cursing at
whoever left the blinds open the night before.  Deciding that he had to get up,
he began to roll out of bed, but stopped as his mind began to process the
things around him.  He glanced over to the other side of the bed, and quickly
placed his head in his hands.  ‘Fuck, that’s twice I’ve slept in his arms,’ he
thought.  ‘No wonder I’ve been able to sleep through the night.’  Justin
climbed out of bed, realizing that he was still fully clothed, and made his way
out of the room.  ‘Don’t get used to it, Taylor.  He’ll be gone soon, and
you’ll be left with the nightmares once again,’ he ordered himself.  For the
past couple of months he had been suffering from nightmares, as memories of the
night of the prom came back to him.  ‘But now that Brian’s here, holding me,
they’re gone.  Fuck!’  Justin didn’t want to get too comfortable in Brian’s
presence.  He didn’t want to have to rely on Brian that way.  He knew that
Brian would be gone in a couple of days, and he would be stuck with the
aftermath once again.  He would be alone.
 
Justin walked out into the common area, and quietly closed the door to Brian’s
room.  As he walked up to the kitchen he spotted Daphne sitting in one of the
chairs at the small table.  “Morning,” she said, causing Justin to nod in
reply.  “So when are we going to do this thing with . . . Martha?”
 
Justin laughed, “Marsha.  Close though.”  Justin reached into the small
refrigerator and began to pull out things for breakfast.  “I don’t know, she
said for me to call her this morning so that we could figure out a time.  She’s
the back-up today at the Rainbow home, so it’s not like she had anywhere to
go.  But I was thinking that we could do it somewhat early, that way while
she’s talking to one, the rest of us can look around then switch off.  That and
if we get done soon enough, then we can do everything that you guys wanted to
do.”  Justin began to fix breakfast, as Daphne started a pot of coffee.  “I
know you said you wanted to go to the Martin Luther King History Center and the
zoo.  Emmett wanted to the Underground, and the Coca-Cola factory, Brian who
knows what he wants to do.  I know we won’t get it all in, but we can get some
of it in.”
 
“Hey we have time, and it’s not like we can’t come back down here you know,”
she said as she watched him fix breakfast.
 
“I know.  And next time you come down, I just may have my own place,” he said
with a smile.
 
“No shit!?  That is so cool.”
 
“I know,” Justin said.  “I found this house in Alpharetta that is just
awesome.  I’m thinking I may get it.”
 
Justin caught the disbelief in Daphne’s face.  “So you’re really going to be
staying here then?”
 
Justin hated the hurt tone that she had, but he didn’t know what to do.  Justin
walked up so that he could face her, and hold her hand.  “I can’t just leave
now, Daph.  I got this great job, I’m starting a life here for me,” he said. 
“If I didn’t have the job, then I’d move back up there when the time was right,
but I can’t.  I won’t.”
 
Daphne just nodded in understanding, and Justin gave her a small smile.  “I’m
happy for you,” she said as she pulled him in a hug.  “Hey who knows when I
finish school, I just move down here with you.”
 
“That would be so cool,” Justin said.
 
“What would be so cool,” they heard a voice say from the living room.  Turning
they saw Brian standing there looking at them.
 
“Justin’s found a house he wants to buy,” Daphne said. 
 
Justin caught a flash of pain in Brian’s eyes, which he quickly covered up. 
Justin faked a smile, before turning back to breakfast.  “Hungry,” he asked
Brian. 
 
“Yeah,” he heard Brian say from behind him.  He hadn’t even noticed the other
man come into the kitchen.  “So you found a house?”
 
Justin closed his eyes briefly, hating that once again he had caused Brian
pain.  “Yeah.  With the job and everything. . .”
 
Brian placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder stopping any explanation.  “You
don’t have to explain, Justin.  I think it’s great.”  Although Brian sounded
like he was okay with it, Justin could hear the underlying pain.  “So when do
we meet Marsha?”
 
*************
 
Brian sat down on the couch with Marsha across from him.  Justin had been asked
to sit in on these sessions so that nothing was said that he didn’t want said. 
While the two where here, Brian had asked Emmett to take Daphne to some of the
shops nearby to keep the two busy.  Brian looked toward the other end of the
couch, and saw Justin.  He had sat through Daphne’s and Emmett’s sessions, and
he was looking a little worse for wear.  Brian hated to see Justin looking so
frail, especially since he had looked strong the past two days.  “So what do
you want to know,” Brian had asked the woman across from him.
 
Marsha was about Brian’s age, but she didn’t look like any shrink he had ever
met.  ‘It must be from her working at the place Justin was telling us
about,’Brian thought.  She was wearing blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt. 
‘Definitely not the type of shrink I know about.’ 
 
“Well, Justin tells me that you were there when it all happened?”  Brian only
nodded.  ‘Fuck, this isn’t going to be easy.’  “I want to hear what happened,
if I can.”
 
Brian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.  ‘I can’t do this.  I can’t go
through this again,’ he thought to himself.  However, before he could put
anything into words, Justin had stood up form the couch.  “Listen, you already
know what happened.  Don’t do this.  Brian doesn’t need to tell you what you
already know.”  Brian just looked up at Justin as he faced off with his shrink.
 
“Justin we talked about this,” she began.
 
“Yeah, we did.  But I told you to not go there.”
 
Brain could see the uncontrolled fury in Justin’s eyes, the uncontrolled fear,
and it scared him.  He had never seen Justin so out of control, more so than
the night he had left.  “Justin,” Brian began grabbing a hold of his hand. 
Justin just pulled his hand away and walked to the window.
 
Justin took a deep breath, and turned to Marsha – his eyes pleading with her. 
“Please, don’t.  Brian had been through enough.  He doesn’t have to do this.  I
asked you not to,” he pleaded with her.
 
Brain looked between the two, and made his decision.  Standing, he made his way
over to Justin and wrapped his arms around the young man’s waist, pulling him
toward him.  “Justin.  Its’ okay.”
 
Justin turned around to face Brain, and Brain could see the tears that were
streaming down his face.  “No, it’s not.  I know you don’t like to talk about
it.  I know what it did to you to tell me, I don’t want you to have to go
through that again.”
 
Brian leaned down to capture Justin’s lips, and kissed him lightly.  “It’s
okay.  Maybe it can help me to,” he informed Justin as he pulled away.  Justin
just looked up into Brain’s eyes, and then placed his head on Brian’s
shoulder.  Brian turned his head to look at Marsha.  “What do you want to
know,” he asked as he held Justin close to him. 
 
Marsha just looked at the two seeing their obvious love for one another, and
Brian didn’t care who knew about it.  Brian was in pain, not because he would
have to relive the worst moment in his life, but because of the pain it was
causing Justin.  “I know about the actual event, but there are something that
we’re not sure of.  Things, which I think that only you can tell us.”
 
Brian felt Justin grip tighter at his shirt, holding on as if Brain was his
only means of survival.  “What things?”
 
“Justin’s been having dreams.  However, we’re not sure if they are dreams –
nightmares – or memories.  I was hoping that you could tell us.”
 
Brain looked down at Justin, and lightly placed a kiss on the top of his head. 
“How about we sit back down?  My back is still killing me from sleeping on the
couch the other night,” Brain said in hopes to get a reaction out of Justin. 
Justin just gave him a small nod, so Brain lead the two over to the couch and
sat back down.  Once there, Brian pulled Justin into his arms, and held him
tightly against his chest.  “What things?”
 
For the next half hour, Brian was shocked at what Justin had remembered about
that night, but was angry at the actual items.  Justin had yet to remember any
of the good things from that night, only the bad.  “So you’re telling me that
he’s remembering things like the parking garage, the ride to the hospital, and
things while he was in a coma, but nothing else?”  Brian looked down at Justin,
noting that the young man had not moved from his spot on Brian’s chest.  “So
when will he remember something positive form that night?”
 
“I don’t know, but we’re working on it.  I think that right now, the parts that
want to be released are the unpleasant memories.  The ones that NEED to be
released.  Once we can deal with those, then the ‘good ones’ as you say can
come out.”  Brain looked over at the woman like she was crazy.  “No one
understands the way the mind works, Brain, and I can’t even begin to explain
why things are happening this way.  But because of the seriousness of the
injury that Justin had sustained, these memories were never processed properly,
at least that’s what is believed.  They never had time to take hold, to be
dealt with.  They need to be dealt with, or Justin will never get better.” 
Marsha walked over to the two men, and placed a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  She
gave a small smile to Brian as she rubbed Justin’s back.  “But that’s just my
guess,” she said with a smile.  “Don’t worry, we’ll get it all sorted out, and
I’ll help him heal.  I promise you.  It won’t be tomorrow, or maybe not even
next year.”
 
Marsha looked at Brian, offering an explanation for what was going on.  “PTSD
is a disease.  One that can be debilitating.  Justin needs to understand what
happened, and he needs to recognize and accept the impact of the traumatic
event.  He’s already taking steps to improve things for himself, he’s working
on trying to get on with his life.  Justin’s problem is that because of the
amnesia, he can’t fully recognize and accept the event.  That is what is
hindering his healing.  That’s why the dreams that he’s been having for the
past six months or so have been traumatic for him.  That’s why he had been
attacking things, people.”
 
Brain sat there stunned at what he had just been told. “Six months,” he asked,
immediately feeling Justin stiffen beside him.  ‘Six months,’Brian thought. 
‘We were still together then.  Right around the time that he started working on
the comic book.  Fuck!’  Realization hit Brain as he began to run his hands
across Justin’s back hoping to calm the younger man.  ‘I didn’t even fucking
see it.’
 
“I do understand that he didn’t feel that he could talk to anyone there about
these dreams, and I’m not blaming anyone.  Everyone is affected by an incident
such as this.  However, part of healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is
to talk about it.”  Brian sat back and listened.  Although he had been reading
up on the subject for the past couple of months, he still had to hear it from
her.  He had to know how he could help Justin, since he had failed thus far. 
“A survivor of this type of event needs to have a support group or person. 
Someone who can help the person feel less alone, feel supported or understood,
or to receive concrete help with a problem that they may have.”
 
“What will the outcome of all of this be?  Will he be . . . cured of sorts . .
. I guess that’s what I’m looking for,” Brain asked trying to understand what
Justin is going through, and what he will go through. 
 
“Justin unfortunately will never get over it.  PTSD is permanent.  It doesn’t
go away.  However, with the proper support system, among other things, Justin
will eventually be able to handle it better.  He will always have some level of
reaction to memories, but this is normal and reflects a normal body and mind.
Healing may mean fewer and less intense reactions. But it also means greater
ability to manage trauma-related emotions, and greater confidence in ability to
cope.”  Marsha continued to explain to him.  “I can tell you, I’ll do
everything I can to try and get to that point.”
 
Brain could only nod his thanks as he continued to hold Justin tightly against
him.  He never wanted to let Justin go.  Marsha said her good-byes, and told
Justin to try and see her the next week, then left the two men alone.  Brian
cursed himself for not seeing the signs.  He had been so busy with work, and
everything else that he had not taken a closer look at what was happening right
in front of his face.  Now he knew why Justin had looked tired to him, and
Brian decided that Emmett and Daphne would just have to fend for themselves
today.  Brian was going to allow Justin to catch up on some sleep, since it had
appeared to Brain that Justin was sleeping better when he was in Brian’s arms. 
Brian knew that he was able to sleep better himself if Justin was there with
him.  He only hoped that he could return the favor. 
*************
 
When Emmett and Daphne had returned to the room, Brian explained to the both of
them what was going on, and told them what he had planned for the following
day.  He was going to get Justin to open up to him, and in order to do that, he
needed to be alone with Justin.  They all knew that Justin didn’t feel right
with opening up with them all around, and it appeared that he was willing to
let his guard down with Brian.  Something that he hadn’t allowed himself in
months.  With a plan in mind, Brian walked back into his room, and pulled
Justin against him.  ‘Sleep Justin.  No nightmares tonight.’
 
*************
SATURDAY JULY 6, 2002
 
After leaving Emmett and Daphne at the hotel, Brian and Justin made their way
through the city.  Walking down the busy sidewalk, Brian held tightly to
Justin’s hand as they maneuvered their way through the crowd.  Justin had told
Brian that he wanted to show him this spot that he goes to when he needs to
relax.  With sketchbook in hand, Justin lead the way toward the park located
somewhere in the city.  Brian had no idea where they were going, but seeing
Justin excited, and happy was well worth any amount of discomfort that he may
experience.  When the two had awoken this morning, Justin thanked him for being
there for him the day before, and for helping him out.  Brian could only tell
Justin that he wouldn’t be anywhere else.  It appeared to Brian that they had
gone back in time.  Justin appeared to be afraid of physical contact except the
occasional hug, or holding of hands.  Brian decided that if Justin wasn’t ready
for more, then he could wait – no matter how much certain parts of his anatomy
wanted more.  Justin needed to know that he could talk to Brain, and if they
added sex back into the equation, Brian wasn’t sure if Justin would be able to
open up. 
 
The two reached Piedmont Park, and walked over to a small hill and sat down
beneath a tree.  “I come here a lot, just to thing.  It helps to just clear
your mind of all that shit, get away form the city, in a way, and relax.  It’s
not much, but it helps,” Justin explained as he stared out across the field. 
 
Brian sat and watched Justin’s profile as the younger man stared out at the
landscape.  With each deep breath that Justin took, Brian could see the stress
leave Justin’s body, leaving the carefree man he knew from over a year ago.  He
knew that Justin was only trying to push the thoughts away, instead of dealing
with them, but Brian figured that Justin needed a break once in a while form
the pain of living in that time.  “How often do you get down here,” Brian asked
as he leaned back against the tree.
 
“Not often enough,” Justin said as he leaned back onto Brain.  “I get the
chance to come here maybe once every other week.  The rest of the time I’m just
too busy.”
 
“I know all about being too busy,” Brian said with a smile on his face.  “I
thought that being a partner would mean less work, but fuck!”
 
Brian saw Justin turn to him, and smile. “Busier than ever huh?”
 
“Yeah,” Brian answered shaking his head.  “Of course who would’ve ever thought
that I would be where I am today?” 
 
Justin leaned his head against Brian’s shoulder, as Brain wrapped his arm
around Justin.  “I guess your parents didn’t think you would get this far,” he
hesitantly stated.
 
Brian slightly laughed at the craziness of that question.  “No, they sure as
hell didn’t.  Dear ol’ dad only cared ‘cause I gave him money.  Mom, well we
all know what dear ol’ Joanie thinks about me.  And Claire . . . she’s
worthless.  No they were just happy to get me out of their lives, and I was all
to please to give it to them.”
 
Justin held onto Brian tighter, and Brain was grateful to have the contact. 
Justin was offering support for him, he was offering to keep Brian grounded
from the memories of his past.  Brian realized however, that for some reason,
he didn’t feel the same loneliness that he normally feels when he talks about
the people who raised him.  He didn’t feel the same anger at the whole
situation.  ‘Maybe it is Justin.  Maybe it’s his strength,’ Brian thought. 
Whatever it was, be was glad that Justin was there.  ‘Not that I’ll get all in
depth about that shit, but at least something can come out.  Maybe I can let
him know that he’s not alone.  I know he’s taught me that.’  “What has Vance
been making you do?”
 
Brian shook his head.  ‘He knows when to back off too.  What did I do to
deserve him?’  “What hasn’t he made me do?  I’m still doing all the same shit
that I was doing before making partner, but now I just have all the added
administrative shit.  I can’t tell you the last time I actually got home at a
reasonable fucking hour.”
 
Justin laughed against his chest, causing Brian to poke him lightly in the
ribs.  “Ow,” Justin said as he pulled away slightly.  Shaking his head, Justin
placed his head back on Brian’s shoulder.  “I guess this means that the men of
Pittsburgh just have to wait until the weekend,” he laughed.  Brian just shook
his head.  “I wonder if they can file a protest with Vance.  I wonder if they
can get Mickey to file one of his petitions if they can tell Vance that you are
an interracial part of everyday living on Liberty Avenue, and your presence is
needed for the survival of every gay man in the city,” Justin continued to
laugh. 
 
Brian pushed Justin down on the ground and hovered over him.  “You think you’re
funny do you?”  Justin just tried to calm his laughter, but having a hard
time.  Brian just rubbed his finger across his lower lip, as he looked down at
Justin.  “Remember what I told you two days ago,” he asked watching as Justin’s
eyes got wide.
 
“You wouldn’t,” Justin dared. 
 
Brian could only smile down upon Justin, then began to tickle him into
submission.  As Justin continued to squirm beneath him, Brian thought how nice
it was to hear laughter from the younger man.  “Say it,” he said as he
continued to tickle Justin. 
 
“Never!”
 
“Say it.”
 
“I’ll never surrender,” Justin laughed.
 
“Okay you asked for it,” Brian stated as he began to take his attack to the
next level.  Brian slowly began to move his hands toward some of Justin’s most
ticklish spots.  Places that only Brian knew about.
 
Brian could see recognition in Justin’s eyes, as he looked down at the man,
grinning.  “You wouldn’t. . . Brian!”
 
Brian continued his assault, waiting for the younger man to say that he gave
up.
 
*************
SUNDAY JULY 7, 2002
 
Justin stood at the gate, as they waited for the plane to begin boarding.  He
hated that they were leaving, and he wished that he could go with them, but
knew that for now, this was the best way.  He wasn’t anywhere close to being
healed, and until that time came, he would have to stay away.  He needed to be
stronger before he could face that place again.  When the boarding announcement
came, Justin stood and hugged Emmett.  “Thanks for coming.”
 
Emmett pulled back and placed his hands on the side of Justin’s face.  “Like I
would’ve been anywhere else.”
 
“Take care of Ted okay, and I’ll talk to you later,” Justin said as Emmett
kissed him on the cheek.
 
“See you later, Sweetie,” Emmett said as he turned to board the plane with
tears in his eyes. 
 
Justin then stepped in front of Daphne, and gave her a hug.  “Take care of
yourself, okay?  Don’t let Rick treat you like shit,” he told her.  “Call me.”
 
“Same goes for you.  Don’t worry, I think I’ll be down here sooner than you
think,” she said as she pulled back and began to walk toward the gate. 
 
Justin just stood there looking at the remaining of the trio, and smiled. 
Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and lightly kissed him on the lips. 
Pulling away, Justin smiled up at Brian.  “Thanks, for everything.”
 
“You don’t have to thank me, Justin.  I wanted to help.  I told you that.  I
want to help,” Brian stated.  Justin felt better knowing that Brian was there
for him despite everything he had put the other man through.  “Just call me if
you need anything.  Even if it’s just to talk.  Okay.”
 
“Promise,” Justin replied.  “You better go, or else they’ll leave without
you.”  Brian gave Justin one more kiss, then began to step back.  “Call me the
minute you get in, okay?”
 
Brian just winked at Justin, then turned to head to the gate. Before he was
able to disappear through the door, the turned around.  “Later,” he said.
 
Justin smiled back at Brian.  “Later.”
 
 
***** III *****
 
INTERLUDE #3
 
                       Well if you just close your eyes
                     and just imagine everything’s alright
                          but do not hide your tears
                ‘cause they were sent to wash away those tears.
                      Baby we can wash away those years.
                        Wash Away Those Years -- Creed
******   ******
“Jennifer, it’s Brian.”
 
“Brian?  Is everything alright?  Is Justin okay?”
 
“I just got a call from Kate, in Atlanta, and she said that there’s been an
accident.”
 
“Accident?  Oh my god. . . Justin?  Is he alright?  What happened?”
 
“I don’t have all the details, but from what I was told it’s serious.”
 
“What happened, Brian?”
 
“Kate said that Justin was driving down the highway with Nate.  She said they
were coming to pick her up.  All she knows is that their car was hit by a drunk
driver, and . . . the car hit the median . . . I don’t know much else.”
 
“Oh my god.  I need to get down there.  Thank-you Brian . . . for telling me.”
 
“I’m getting a private jet to fly down there.  I’ll pick you and Molly up on my
way.  Daphne said she’d meet us there.”
 
“You don’t have to do that, Brian . . .I’m sure. . .”
 
“The earliest flight to Atlanta is ten in the morning, and it’ll take longer
than that to drive down there.  So I’ll pick you up in an hour.”
 
“Thank-you, Brian . . . Molly and I will be ready.”
 
****************
 
“Brian you promised.  Mel and I have made plans.  We were counting on you.”
 
“Listen, I know I promised that I’d take him this weekend, but something came
up that I have to take care of.”
 
“What could be so important?  Bri?  I just think that with you leaving that it
would be nice to spend sometime with your son.”
 
“You think that if I had a choice I wouldn’t be there.  I’m not that fucking
cold, Lindsey!”
 
“Bri, I know that.  I’m sorry, I know you want to spend time with Gus, it’s
just that you’re leaving soon, and . . .”
 
“Lindz, listen.  Justin’s been in an accident and I have . . .”
 
“What?  Is he alright?”
 
“I don’t know.  I won’t know anything until I get there.  I’m packing as we
speak, as a matter of fact.”
 
“Do you know what happened?”

“Not really.  Look I can’t talk right now, I have to get my ass on a plane in
about forty minutes, and I still have to pick up Jennifer.  Can you do
something for me?”
 
“Anything.”
 
“Call the others let them know.  Let them know I’ll call and tell you guys know
what’s going on.  I just don’t have time right now to call everyone.”
 
“Bri, calm down. I’m sure that Justin’s fine.  He’s strong.”
 
“Fuck. . . I know he’s strong, Lindz.  It’s just. . .”
 
“You still love him.”
 
“Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  I just didn’t think that I would, you know.  After
everything that’s happened . . .fuck he has the worst fucking luck of anyone I
know.”
 
“I’m sure he’ll be alright.  You have to believe that.”
 
“I’m trying.  I really am.  He’s just been through so much, Lindz.  What more
can he take?  I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through this again.”
 
“Brian, you are strong enough.  You have to believe that you are.  You can do
this.  You will do this . . . for Justin.  I know you – remember.  I know
you’ll do anything for him.  I have faith in you.”
 
“I just think about what happened and I . . . it could’ve been me Lindz.”
 
“What could’ve been you?”
 
“He was hit by a drunk driver.  And all I can think about is all the times I
drove myself home – drunk, or stoned – and it fucking makes me sick.”
 
“Bri, listen to me, okay.  You would never purposely hurt Justin.  I know
that.”
 
“That doesn’t matter, Lindz.  The fact is, I know that I have done some stupid
shit in my life, and I realize that I could have . . . Fuck, Lindz.  I could’ve
been the one driving the car that hit him.”
 
“But you didn’t.  You weren’t the one, Brian.”
 
“But I could’ve!  I could’ve driven my jeep -- thinking as I always do that I
can do it -- and who knows what would happen.  What if it was Gus?”
 
“It wasn’t, Bri.  You need to settle down.  Getting yourself worked up won’t
help him.  Don’t worry about anything here, we’ll take care of it.  Just get
down there to Atlanta, and see what you can do.  Okay?”
 
“Christ, Lindz.  I can’t lose him now.  Not now.”
 
“Don’t think like that.  You don’t know for sure what happened, or how he is
doing.  Just take a deep breath, finish packing, get on that plane, and be
there for him.”
 
“Thanks, Lindz.  I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this.”
 
“You will.  If you need anything . . . you know that you can call me.  No
matter what time of the day it is.”
 
“Thanks, Lindz.”
 
“Take care of yourself, and Justin.  I love you Brian.  Don’t forget that.”
 
“How the hell could I?”
 
“Call me, as soon as you hear something.”
 
***************
 
“Vic, I’m so glad that someone is there.”
 
“Lindsey?  Is everything alright?  Is it Gus?
 
“No, no.  Gus is fine.  But it’s Brian.”
 
“Brian?  What’s wrong with Brian?  . . . Hold on a sec. . . No, it’s Lindsey. .
. I don’t know what she wants yet, that’s what I’m trying to find out. . .
Alright, don’t get your panties in a knot.”
 
“Lindsey, what’s going on?  What did Brian do this time?”
 
“Deb, Brian didn’t do anything.  He just called me and wanted you all to know
that he’s leaving town tonight. . .”
 
“Tonight?  What the hell is he doing leaving tonight.  He wasn’t supposed to
leave for another week or so.  What’s going on?”
 
“He told me that he got a call.  Justin. . .”
 
“Sunshine?”
 
“Brian said that Justin was in an accident.”
 
“What?!  What happened?  Is he okay?  Shit, I better get my things. . . Vic
start packing a bag, we’re going to see, Sunshine.”
 
“Deb. . . Deb!”
 
“What?”
 
“Brian is leaving in less than fifteen minutes to pick up Jennifer, and they
are heading down there.   He promised to call us just as soon as he knows
something.”
 
“Does he know how bad it is?”

“If he does he’s not saying.  I think he just wants to see for himself.  I
don’t know, Deb, but he did say he’ll let us all know.”
 
“Well let me just throw some things into a bag and meet him at the airport.”
 
“Deb, I don’t think that right now would be the time for all of us to head down
there.  At least until we know more of what’s going on.”

“But Sunshine is hurt.  Who knows what happened.”
 
“I know, and I want to go too . . .but I think that for right now, until we get
the call from Brian we should just wait.  There’s not point for everyone to
head down there, if he’s fine.  Justin wouldn’t want us to put our lives aside
for him.”
 
“Dammit, I hate it when you’re right.  But I don’t have to like it.  How did
Brian sound?”
 
“He’s confused, and naturally upset. But he’s fine, and he’ll be there for
Justin.”
 
“I always knew those two belonged together.  If they hadn’t broken up then none
of this would’ve happened.  Justin would be here where he belongs and not off
in some god forsaken city halfway across the goddamn country.”
 
“I don’t know what really happened with the break-up between the two.  I do
know that more went on then we know.  What I’m not sure.”
 
“Well Brian better get there and bring Sunshine back.  Or at least him back in
his life.  He’s been fucking miserable without the kid.”
 
“I know, and I know that Brian wants to try, but it isn’t up to him.  Justin
has to decide that for himself, but right now we don’t even know what’s going
on with Justin.  I just hope he’s alright.”
 
“Brian told you something about what happened to Justin didn’t he?  What
happened Lindsey?”
 
“As I said I’m not sure.  All I was able to get out of him was that it was a
drunk driver, or at least that’s what I gather.”
 
“Sweet Jesus.”
 
“As I said I don’t know what really happened.  But when we hear from Brian,
whoever hears from him first we’ll let the others know.”
 
“Who else knows?”
 
“I called Ted and Emmett right before I called you.  I haven’t been able to
reach Michael yet.”
 
“I’ll call him.  You just wait by that phone and let me know as soon as we hear
something.”
 
“I will.”
 
***************
 
“Ma, do you have any idea what time it is?”
 
“Of course I do, but this is important.”
 
“Okay, okay.  Jeez!  Just a second, let me move to the other phone okay? . . .
Ben can you hang up that extension?  Thanks.  Okay, ma what’s going on?”
 
“I just got a call from Lindsey, and she told me that Brian’s headed down to
Atlanta. . .”

“What!?  Ma, Brian’s not going down there for another week.  What would he be
doing going down there now?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Why didn’t he call
me?”
 
“Michael Charles Novotny, that is enough out of you.  Can I finish what I was
going to say, or do you want to just guess, and be miserable?”
 
“Go ahead, Ma.”
 
“Okay, anyway as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.”
 
“Ma!”
 
“Anyway, Brian said that he got a call saying that Justin had been in an
accident.  He’s gone down there to see what’s going on.”
 
“What happened to Justin?”
 
“I’m not sure.  Hell, all I was able to get out of Lindsey was what little she
had been able to get out of Brian.  So believe me, it’s not a lot.”
 
“So?”
 
“From what we DO know, Justin was in a car accident.  From what Lindsey could
gather, it appears that it was a drunk driver.”
 
“Fuck.  So what are we going to do?  Brian will need us, so will Justin.”
 
“Well right now, from what I know – Brian and Jennifer are on their way down
there.  I was told that once they know something . . .we’ll know something. 
Besides that. . .”
 
“So what are we going to do?  WE can’t just sit here.  There has to be
something.”
 
“We can do what Brian asked, and wait for his call.  That’s what we can do.”
 
“I don’t like it.”
 
“Well you don’t have to like it.  It’s what we were asked to do.  Believe you
me, I want to be on that plane right now going down there, but. . .”
 
“I know, Ma.  I know.  But I’m sure that Justin will be okay.  I mean look at
what he’s gone through this past year.  He’s tough.  He’ll get through this.”
 
“I hope so, sweetie.”
 
***************
 
“The jet is waiting, and ready for us.  They’ll take us straight to Atlanta,
where I’ve got a car waiting for us to take us to the hospital.  The rooms
however at the hotel won’t be ready until tomorrow, but . . . never mind it is
tomorrow. . .fu. . . they’ll be ready for us after noon today.”
 
“You thought of everything.  But Brian, you know that you don’t have to do all
of this.  I can take care of it, I can pay for some of this.   I can take care
of Molly and myself, and Daphne.  Just take care of what you need to take care
of.  Don’t worry about us.”
 
“It’s no problem.  It’s easier to just make the plans for everyone, and worry
about the rest later.  I’ll take care of it, you just worry about taking care
of Justin.  I’ll take care of everything else.”
 
“You don’t have to do that.  We’ll be fine.  I just don’t feel right about you
paying for everything.”
 
“Jennifer, I don’t give a damn about the money.  Justin is my number one
concern right now, and that’s what important.  Not the money.”
 
“I know you still care about him, that you still . . . love him . . . and I’m .
. . I’m glad that he has you.  I know that I may not have always been
supportive of your . . . relationship with my son, but I do know that he loves
you, and you take care of him.  I don’t know where he would be if you weren’t
there for him.  If you hadn’t been there for him.”
 
“He might have been better off.”
 
“I don’t think so.  You are the reason he is here today. . . Don’t give me that
look, as I said I know that I haven’t always been supportive of your
relationship, but I see now that I was wrong.  I regret the things I have said
and done to you in the past.  I was wrong.  But I do know – now – that you have
always done what was best for him.  More so than Craig or I have done.”
 
“Yeah, well Craig lost out.  Justin’s a good kid, with a big heart.  His father
doesn’t know what he’s missing.  And I can tell you if that man ever gets near
Justin again . . . I won’t be held responsible for what I might do.”
 
“I wish that Craig could be more understanding.  I just don’t know what’s
gotten into him.  The two had always been close . . .so close.  When I saw
Justin that night – before he left – I knew that Craig would do something.  I
just didn’t think . . . I didn’t even realize that he had felt that way about
it. All I could think of was all of the good times they had before we found out
that Justin was . . . gay.  I never realized that Craig would do something like
that.”
 
“What happened that night?  Justin didn’t tell me all of it . . . only . . .”
 
“That Craig had told him that Justin was dead to him?”
 
“Yeah.”
 
“Craig had told me that he didn’t want Justin around Molly.  Of course we have
been fighting over that issue for a number of months.  He said that because of
Justin, I have become a disgrace to the family and Justin is ‘going around like
it’s alright to be who – what – he is’.  Craig told Justin that he had left the
family, that he should’ve stayed away from us.”
 
“Did he say something about what happened at Prom?  All Justin told me was that
his father had wished that Hobbs had . . . he didn’t even finish that thought. 
He just said that he was dead to his father.  What the fuck did he say to
Justin exactly?”
 
“Craig . . . I don’t know really.  He told Justin that – and these are his
words not mine – that when Justin had left the family with that ‘monster’ – in
Craig’s eyes, he had died that day.  Craig blamed Justin for everything that
happened to the family since his coming out, and he went on to say that . .
.God . . . sorry it’s just hard to think about.”
 
“It’s okay.  I just need to know.”
 
“Craig told Justin that he was sorry that Justin got hurt.  However, he said
that Chris Hobbs would’ve done us all a favor if he had just finished the job.”
 
“That fucking. . . I mean my father was an asshole, but. . . Fuck.”
 
“I tried to talk to Justin, I tried to get him away from Craig and talk to him,
but he just ran off.  I’m glad he went to you.  At least he had somewhere he
could go.”
 
“He didn’t really come to me.  I found him.  But that’s beside the point.  It’s
in the past.  All we can do is be there for him now.  We’ll deal with Craig
Taylor at a later date.”
 
“Brian, I don’t want you to get into trouble.  Don’t do anything to Craig. 
Justin wouldn’t want you to do anything.  He wouldn’t want you to get into
trouble because of Craig.”

“Mr. Taylor will sit down one of these days and have a little chat with me. 
You can count on that.”
 
“Brian.  Please, for Justin.”
 
“I can’t make that promise.  Besides I can’t worry about that now.  Justin
needs all of you there with him now.”
 
“He needs you.  Now more than ever.  He still loves you.”
 
“I know.  I know.  I love him too.”
 
“Then tell him.  Tell him what you feel about him.  ‘Cause I’m telling you,
Brian, he needs to know.”
 
 
PART 4a: Breathe – Inhale
 
                                        
                     In a way I know my heart is waking up
                      As all the walls come tumbling down
                       Closer than I've ever felt before
                           And I know, and you know
                      There's no need for words right now
                              Breathe– Faith Hill
 
Brian quickly parked the car at the hospital that Kate had told him, and
immediately ran in through the double doors with the others not far behind.  He
ran up to the nurse’s station, and impatiently waited for him to be
acknowledged.  By the time the others caught up with him, the nurse looked up
from her computer, and smiled.  Brian didn’t even try to be courteous and greet
her in a similar fashion.  “We’re here for Justin Taylor.”
 
The nurse looked over at Brian and then to Jennifer and Daphne, trying to get
some understanding of who these people were.  “Relation?”
 
Brian felt like he wanted to reach across the desk and rip the nurse’s throat
out, but Jennifer placed her hand on his arm, and stepped forward.  “I’m his
mother.  Can you please tell us what’s going on?  We just came all the way from
Pittsburgh.”
 
The nurse smiled at Jennifer briefly, glancing quickly away from the
threatening look that the man in the group was giving her.  Brian didn’t care
if she was afraid of him.  He still remembered the time when a stupid nurse
wouldn’t let Mel back with Gus.  If anyone tried to stop him from getting to
Justin, they would have to arrest him for assault.  Brian watched as the lady
picked up the phone and called someone, then turned around to take a closer
look around the place.  Immediately he spotted a familiar face, and ran to
her.  “Kate?”
 
Kate ran to Brian and immediately wrapped her arms around him.  Brian held her
tightly hoping to stop the sudden chill that had wrapped around him at the site
of being in a hospital again.  Pulling back he looked at her face, and saw that
it was streaked with tears.  Fear began to creep up further in Brian’s chest. 
‘God, no.  Please, no,’he prayed.  “Brian, thank god you’re here.”
 
“What’s going on?  What happened,” he asked as he led her toward on of the
nearby chairs.  As he took his own seat beside the young woman, he heard the
nurse tell Jennifer that the doctor would be out to talk to them shortly.
 
“Nate wanted to take Justin out to celebrate, and I told them that I just had
to go,” she began through her tears.  “They decided to take Nate’s car, but
Nate had already had some to drink so Justin drove.  They were coming to pick
me up, when . . . when this creep came plowing down the road toward them. . .
Oh god, Brian you should see the car. . .”
 
Brian tried not to let the tears fall down his face as he gently pulled the
woman toward him.  He looked up to see Jenn, Molly, and Daphne standing close
by wanting to hear what happened.  “Shhh.  It’s okay.  What happened?  Do you
know?”
 
Kate just nodded her head in response, as Brian began to caress the back of her
neck.  “Nate didn’t make it. . .” she cried.  Brian felt everything stop as she
said the words.  If Nate hadn’t made it, what happened to Justin?  Brian knew
that Justin would be devastated to learn of his friend’s death, but he silently
hoped that Justin would be okay.  “He, Nate, had too many injuries, they said.
. . I’m not sure about Justin yet.  I know . . . they said something about a
leg and head injury,” she informed him.  The words HEAD INJURY caused Brian to
halt all movement.  What would it mean for Justin to have two head injuries in
such a short period of time?  Could he survive that?  If he did what would he
be like?  ‘FUCK!  Why?  Why?’  Brian wanted to punch something, but knew that
he had to first find out how serious the injury was.  “I don’t know much else. 
I’m sorry.”
 
Brian closed his eyes briefly and nodded.  Rolling his lips into his mouth, he
tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to come to the surface.  He
wouldn’t lose it now – not now.  “Ms. Taylor,” asked a young looking man in
hospital grubs as he approached the group. 
 
Jennifer looked over at the man, and held out her hand.  ‘I guess all of that
time in the country club takes over at the strangest of times,’ Brian thought. 
He was amazed at how cool Jennifer seemed to be, when he felt like his whole
world had started to crash in on him.  “I’m Ms. Taylor.”
 
“My name is Doctor Jamison, I treated your son when he was brought in,” he
stated as he shook her hand.
 
“What’s wrong with my son?  Is he alright?”
 
Doctor Jamison held out his arm, wanting us to follow him.  “Why don’t we go
into my office and I’ll fill you in on your son’s condition.”
 
Jennifer stood there and looked at the doctor, just nodding her head.  “These
are very close friends of the family,” she said as explanation to the doctor’s
look as they all began to follow him to his office.  Once inside Brian knew he
wouldn’t be able to sit down, so he stood by the door and leaned against the
wall.  “Now, please tell me how my son is.”
 
“Ms. Taylor, your son has suffered some major injuries as a result of the
accident.  He has some minor cuts and abrasions from glass, but those we can
deal with easily.  However there are two injuries that your son has sustained
that are causes for alarm.”  Brian began to feel his anger at the doctor rise.
 All he wanted was for the man to get to the point, and it seemed to Brian that
it was taking forever.  “First off, Justin’s right leg was literally crushed in
the impact, which has caused multiple open fractures to his lower right
tibia.”  The doctor went over to the wall and turned on the light showing them
an x-ray.  Brian looked closely at the x-ray, which he could only guess was
Justin’s leg, and he began to feel sick.  The bones looked like they had been
broken in at least three different places.  “Now as you can see here, the bone
is severely damaged.”  ‘No, shit,’ Brian thought.  ‘This guy is the master of
under statement.  “The other problem arises in which the bone is also no longer
attached to the knee.  There is tissue damage, and ligament damage to the knee
itself.”
 
Brian watched as Jennifer placed her head in her hands, trying to understand
what the man was telling them. Brian was almost afraid to ask, and was grateful
that he didn’t have to.  “What can be done?  Will he ever walk again,” Jenn
asked the doctor.
 
“We believe that we can save the leg, and won’t have to amputate.  However,
Justin will have to have multiple surgeries to repair the damage.  We will have
to reconstruct the entire lower leg.  We do this by placing metal rods in the
bone to try and stabilize it.  We want to try and stay away from a procedure
which is called  External fixators .  This is a frame that we attach to the
outside of the leg to try and stabilize it.  However, we will keep as an open
option.  We will also have to try and remove the damaged tissue from his knee,
and repair the ligaments.  This whole process will be long, and painful for
Justin.  But we are hopeful that he will be able to walk again.  However, as I
said it will be a long time before he can, and I cannot guarantee that he will
ever be able to walk without assistance,” the doctor continued to explain to
the group.  Brian was grateful that he was trying to tell them Justin’s
injuries in a way that they could understand.  He knew that there would be no
way that he would be able to put up with someone who tried to talk down to
them, who would not tell them what was wrong.  Brian didn’t want to try and
translate what everything meant.  He just wanted to know what was wrong. 
 
“And the other injury,” Brian asked trying to remain calm, but failing.  As he
stood there against the wall, he continued to clench his fists into tight
balls.  The more the doctor spoke of Justin’s injuries, the more Brian wanted
to hurt someone. 
 
The doctor looked over at Brian, and sat back down in the chair behind his
desk.  “I understand that Justin sustained a serious head injury a little over
a year ago, Mr.?”
 
“Kinney, and yes Justin was bashed in the head with a baseball bat,” Brian said
unpleasantly.  “So I guess you could call that a serious injury.”  Brian wasn’t
about to be kind to the man before him.  He could tell that the doctor was
hiding something, and until Brian knew exactly what was wrong with Justin he
wouldn’t be kind.  ‘To hell with niceties.’
 
“During the accident, it appears as if Justin’s head collided with the steering
wheel,” the doctor began.
 
Brian saw Daphne lean forward in her chair and look shocked at what she was
hearing.  “But what about airbags?”
 
“The car was an older model, one before airbags were standard in cars,” he
explained.  Brian once again clenched his fists hoping to avoid pounding the
doctor upside the head and causing his own head injury.  “Justin has a slight
skull fracture on the right side of his head.  From Justin’s medical records we
do know that that section of the skull is not as strong as the other sections,
thereby causing a slight fracture.  However, we have also been able to
determine that he is suffering from  Extradural hemorrhaging.  We have located
the hemorrhage, and we have done a perforation to the area.  He is in ICU under
heavy supervision.”
 
“In other words you drilled a hole in his head,” Brian hissed.  He was
beginning to feel ill.
 
“In order to relieve the pressure, and the fluid build up, yes,” the doctor
explained.
 
“Is he awake,” Jennifer asked the doctor in a weak voice.  Brian could tell
that she was remembering the time in the hospital after the bashing as much as
he was. 
 
“No.  I’m sorry but Justin has slipped into a coma.”
 
Brian closed his eyes, not wanting to hear anymore.  “FUCK!”  Brian leaned into
the wall and allowed himself to slide down so that he could sit.  Placing his
head in his hands, he shut out everything around him.  He didn’t want to hear
anymore.  He couldn’t.  Justin was once again in danger, he was back where he
was a little over a year ago.  Brian could almost smell the blood on his hands,
and see Justin’s blood flowing onto the ground.  He felt his world come
crashing in on him.  He felt like he was dying inside, and there was nothing
anyone could do.  Brian hadn’t felt like this since the last time he had heard
words similar to what had just been told to him.  Brian felt a sudden urge to
call Michael.  He was drowning, and the only one beside Justin who could help
him was Michael. 
 
Brian felt a hand on his shoulder, trying to bring him out of his self-imposed
trance.  “Brian, the doctor said that we can see him now,” Jennifer said in a
soft voice. 
 
Brian could only nod in response and slowly stand.  Upon standing, Brian felt
his legs weaken, and he had to place his hand on the wall to steady himself. 
“I’ll meet you there, I need some air,” he said as he quickly made his way out
of the room.  He felt the walls closing in, and he was suffocating.  He walked
past the nurse’s station, and out the front door.  Quickly finding the smoking
area on the side of the building, Brian moved to sit down.  He couldn’t fucking
breathe each breath felt like it was burning a hole in his chest.  As he pulled
out a pack of cigarettes, he felt his hand shake so much that he knew it would
be almost impossible to get one out of the pack.  He decided to give a try, but
after numerous attempts, he threw the offensive object on the ground. “Fuck!” 
Brian needed Michael.  He needed someone to help ground him, like Michael did
after Prom.  ‘But Mickey’s too far away.  Who’s going to help me now?’
 
“Let me help you with that,” came a voice behind him.  Brian didn’t even look
up as the person moved to sit beside him on the curb, and reach for the pack of
cigarettes.  Before he knew it he saw one being placed in his hand.  “Do you
mind,” the person asked him.  Brian just shook his head, not really caring what
the person was talking about, or what he just agreed to.  All he knew was that
Justin was laying in a bed inside, once again fighting for his life.  “You know
this is a standing joke between Justin and I,” at the sound of Justin’s name,
Brian’s head snapped up to see who was beside him.  Sitting next to him was one
of the last people he would’ve thought would be there.  ‘But then again, I
shouldn’t be too surprised.  Justin has a way to get people around him to be
very loyal.  No matter who it is.’  “We always tell each other that smoking is
bad for us, that we should really stop.  That it’ll kill us.  Then what do we
do, we turn right around and both light up.”
 
Brian smiled at the woman sitting beside him, and knew that Justin had gotten
to her, no matter what anyone would say about the fact.  “If you don’t mind me
asking, what are you doing here?  Don’t they have some rule against shrinks
spending so much time with their patients?”
 
Marsha shrugged, taking a deep breath of smoke.  “Fuck if I care.  Justin maybe
my patient, but I do care.  When I got the call, I knew I had to be here.”  
Brian saw her turn to face him, and he saw trusting eyes staring at him.  “And
not only for Justin, but if I can help everyone else. . . That and I care.  I
care what happens to him.  I don’t want anything to happen to him.”
 
“I’m glad he has friends like you,” Brian said as he brought the cigarette up
to his lips with a shaky hand.  He silently cursed himself for allowing his
hand to shake.  He had to be strong, but somehow his body wasn’t cooperating. 
“You know about Nate,” he asked trying to get his mind off of what was waiting
for him inside.  He wasn’t ready to face that yet, he didn’t want to face that
yet . . . not yet – maybe not ever.
 
Marsha nodded as she looked down at the ground.  “Yeah, Kelly’s a mess.  As is
Kate for that matter.  I know that in my profession, I shouldn’t get attached
to people who are my patients -- or my co-workers really.  But I always knew I
wasn’t like the others – I just couldn’t let someone get away from me.  Like
Justin, when I make friends – I make them for life.  There are certain people
who just have a way of finding their way right into your heart, not matter what
you try to do to stop it from happening it does.  Justin and Nate were like
that.  Both of them are very persistent, they knew what they wanted and to hell
with anyone who stood in their way.”
 
“I know what you mean,” Brian said with a small smile.  “Did he tell you our
story?”
 
Marsha nodded slightly with a smile on her face.  “He told me that you had
tried and tried to push him away, but he just kept coming back.  He knew what
he wanted and he wasn’t going to let anyone – especially you – stop him.” 
Marsha leaned back on her arms in the middle of the sidewalk and looked up at
the sky.  “He told me that every time you had pushed him away, every time that
you had tried to get him out of your life – it would make him more determined. 
He would stop at nothing to get what he wanted – and what he wanted was Brian
Kinney.”
 
Brian shook his head, and leaned back as well with a small smile on his face. 
Marsha had a way to make him forget the pain of the situation that lay ahead,
and make him realize what was important.  She was reminding him of all the
reasons why he needed to be here, and all the reasons why he loved Justin.  “He
told me early on – right after that first night – that he loved me.  I told him
then that I didn’t believe in love, that I only believed in fucking.  Little
did I know how wrong I was.  He said he wanted me.  Me!  Hell the age
difference didn’t even matter to him.  Then a year later, Deb pointed out to me
that I did love Justin.  No matter how much I wanted to deny it, no matter how
much I didn’t want to – how much I knew he deserved better – I had fallen.”
 
“And he loves you.  I shouldn’t tell you this, but he told me about Ethan, and
how he was so confused.  He said that all he wanted and still wants is you.” 
Marsha sat up and placed her hand on Brian’s arm forcing him to look at her. 
“He loves you, and he’s going to need all of us right now.  He’ll come out of
this, and he’ll need you there for him.”

“I know,” Brian said as he looked up at the sky.  “No matter what I may think
about how much better he would be if he never met me, I know that he needs me
to help him get through this.”  Brian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. 
“I talked to him not TWO HOURS before for this.  Two fucking hours.  He seemed
fine, happy.  I should’ve known that something was going to happen.  I guess I
should feel lucky that I had two hours.  At the Prom, I had maybe twenty
seconds.”
 
Brian felt Marsha’s hand on his arm, calming him.  “Let me tell you something –
give you some advice.  You need to let him know when you’re hurting, let him
know when he’s doing something wrong.  Don’t let him get away with things that
he wouldn’t otherwise.  He’ll test you, he’ll try and push you away – don’t let
him.  He thinks that you’re too good for him, and with this injury it’ll be one
hundred times worse.  He doesn’t want to be a bother to you anymore – at least
that’s the way he sees it.  Don’t let him get away with it.”  Marsha was
looking directly into Brian’s eyes, drilling her point into him.  “He’s going
to have more problems now than before.  He had reached a critical point in his
therapy with me before this.  I’m afraid of what this will do.  I believe that
he will try to shut down again.  He will try and go back to where he was before
we started our sessions.  He will shut down again, and I don’t want to allow
him to do that.  If we allow him to sink back into that hole, I’m afraid we’ll
never be able to bring him back.  Please promise that you’ll help me with
this.  I hate to see him go back to that.  I hate to lose a bright young man
like that.”
 
Brian sat up and placed his head in his hands, thinking about what he was being
told.  He knew that he couldn’t let Justin fall back into the person he was a
year ago.  He couldn’t allow Justin to shut him out.  Brian didn’t think he
could go through that again.  He couldn’t lose Justin again.  “Hell, he’ll get
so sick of me by the time he gets out of here.  I promise, but I can’t do it
alone,” he said the last part looking right at her.  “I’m not sure I’m strong
enough to deal with this alone.  I’ll need help.”
 
“Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of support right there with you.  And remember
Brian.  If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here.  I can’t tell you what Justin
has said. . . okay so I already broke that rule tonight – but I won’t again,”
she said waving her finger in his face.  “But I will be there for you if you
need to talk.”
 
Brian nodded his thanks, then began to stand.  He glanced toward the door, and
closed his eyes.  “I should head in there.”
 
“Take your time.  No one will fault you for taking your time, Brian.  No one,”
she said as she stood and began to walk back into the hospital leaving Brian
alone to gather the strength he needed.  ‘Thank-you,’ he thought.  ‘Thank-you
for keeping me afloat.’
 
*****************
 
Brian walked into the ICU, and immediately spotted Jennifer standing outside a
room on his left.  He walked up to her, and placed his hand on her shoulder. 
“You okay,” he asked in a quiet voice. 
 
Jennifer just nodded, and gave him a small smile.  “It’s not as bad as it
looks,” she said to him.  “Daphne’s in there now, but you should go in.  I
think that it would help him to know that you’re here.”
 
Brian moved to sit down in a chair next to a sleeping Molly.  “Do you want me
to call the hotel and see if we can get in earlier?  Molly looks exhausted.”
 
Jennifer walked over to stand by her sleeping daughter, and ran her hand
through the young girl’s hair.  “I tried to get her to lay down in a room the
nurse told me about, but she told me that she needed to be here for Justin. 
She’s just as stubborn as Justin.”
 
Brian smiled and leaned his head back to rest against the wall.  “I wonder
where they get it from,” he said as he looked directly at her.
 
Jenn smiled for the first time that night, and shook her head.  “I don’t know
what you’re talking about.  I am not stubborn.”
 
“Yeah right.”  Brian looked up as he saw Daphne come out of the room, and
immediately noticed that she was about to fall over.  He walked up to her and
pulled her into his arms.  “Shhh,” he said as he allowed her to cry on his
shoulder.  ‘Fuck, I knew I should’ve changed after work.  Tears on Armani just
doesn’t work,’he thought with a sigh.  He knew that he had to think of things
that were insignificant as that so that his mind didn’t wander to the last time
he was in the hospital waiting on Justin to wake up.  He had to keep his mind
on helping Justin, and not on his own pain.  If he thought about that, if he
thought about how much it hurt and unfair it was, he wouldn’t be any help to
anyone.  He would fail once again.  ‘And I’ve failed Justin enough.  Marsha’s
right, he’ll try to push us all away.  I can’t let that happen.  I have to be
strong for him, ‘cause he can’t do it himself.’ “He’s strong.  He’ll be fine.”
 
Daphne pulled away and wiped her face, then moved to wipe the tears from his
jacket.  “I hope I didn’t ruin your jacket, ‘cause I sure as hell can’t buy you
a new one,” she joked through a sad smile. 
 
“Don’t worry I’ll take it out of your paycheck,” he lightly joked back.
 
“What for the next one hundred years,” she answered back.  Brian only shrugged
as he watched her move to sit down in the chair that he had just vacated.  “Why
is this happening?  Hasn’t he been through enough?  Why?”
 
Brian kneeled down in front of her and took her hands into his own.  “Fuck if I
know.  But he’s strong, he’ll get through this.  He has to.  I won’t lose him
now,” he said trying to reign in his emotions.  He couldn’t lose it now.  He
wanted to be strong when he walked into that room.  “We’ll be there for him. 
Hell, if I could lock him up in a fucking room, and never let him out, I
would.  But I know I can’t.  We’ll make sure he makes it out of this, I
promise.”
 
Daphne gave his hands a squeeze, and smiled at him.  “I know we will.  You’re
right, he’ll get out of this, and be as annoying as ever.  It’s just so
unfair.”
 
“Life isn’t meant to be fair.  We always are tested, and I guess someone felt
that we weren’t done yet with our little test.  Granted when I find out who
that is, I kick them square in the ass,” he joked as he placed his head on
their joined hands.  He needed to gather his strength in order to get up and
move his feet toward that door. 
 
Brian felt arms wrap around him from behind, and he began to feel himself
slip.  “Don’t try to be strong for us, Brian.  Allow yourself to feel the pain,
to be sad, to cry.  We will all need to count on each other and each other’s
strength when he wakes up.  Now . . . now is the time to let it all out, so
that we can be strong for Justin.  Don’t hold it in.  Please.  We need you to
be there,” he heard Jennifer’s gentle voice quietly behind him.  Brian began to
feel the tears surfacing from behind his eyes, and didn’t stop them from
falling.  “Go in there.  Be with him.  Let him know that you’re there – that
you love him.  Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, do what you need to do to
let go.  Don’t hold back for us, or for Justin.  You’re allowed to hurt; you’re
allowed to be sad.  No one will think badly upon you.  It shows that you care,
that you love him.  Let us help each other.  Please.”  Brian could only nod in
thanks as he attempted to take deep breaths, hoping to get some air in his
lungs.  “Go.  Justin needs you – more than he needs any of us.”  Brian felt
Jennifer reach around to pull his face to look at her.  “He needs YOU.  Love my
son, take care of him, let him know that you’re there.”
 
Brian couldn’t talk through the lump he felt choking him, so he grabbed a hold
of her and wrapped his arms around her in thanks.  She had given him the best
gift that he had ever received in his life, the best thing that anyone had ever
granted him – permission to be with her son, to love him.  Brian let go of her,
and stood.  Taking a deep breath, he forced his feet to move toward the door
leading into the room that held his love.
 
**************
 
Brian opened the door and looked around the small room.  He could hear the
sounds of the heart monitor, and the breathing machine, as he made his way
toward the sheet that had been placed around Justin’s bed.  Briefly he wondered
if Daphne had pulled the sheet around the bed in order to give him time to
regroup, and he found himself grateful for the consideration.  He knew that if
he had walked in and saw Justin immediately, he would’ve lost his nerve.  Brian
took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then reached for the sheet, and stepped
into the enclosed space.  When he opened his eyes, he immediately felt weak –
sick.  He had to sit down before he fell down.  Brian found a chair near the
bed, and fell into it, placing his head in his hands.  He couldn’t breathe. 
Even with his eyes closed and covered, he couldn’t get the sight of Justin out
of his head.  Once he felt a little more in control, he opened his eyes, and
reached out with his hand to touch Justin’s own. 
 
Justin was laying in the middle of a bright white bed, looking peaceful, and
very pale.  Justin was surrounded by machines, and IV bags -- everyone
connected to various portions of his body.   Brian noticed the large bandage
around Justin’s head, with spots of blood soaking though the white material. 
Justin’s leg was heavily bandaged as well, and appeared to be ten times the
size that it originally was.  Justin’s beautiful blue eyes were closed and
surrounded by blackness, which showed the seriousness of his injury.  A tube
was inserted into his mouth, and Brian believed down his throat, helping him to
breathe 
 
Brian placed his head on the mattress beside their joined hands, and allowed
the tears to fall.  He hated to see Justin so frail, so lifeless.  Justin had
always been the strong one; he had always been the brave one.  And now, Brian
tried to picture that man in his mind so that he could wipe out the scene
before him – the scene of a weak, and battered man.  Brian looked up into
Justin’s pale face, and reached out a hand to gently carress a section of
untouched, unscathed skin on his cheek.  Gently, he stood, lightly placing a
kiss on the area he had just touched, and then placed his forehead against
Justin.  “Justin,” he whispered against the younger man’s skin.  “Justin, baby,
you have to listen to me, okay.  You have to come out of this.  You have to
come back to us, to me. . . I don’t,” Brian began as he felt the tears flow
from his eyes, and his heart break.  “Baby, I need you.  I know that things
haven’t always been easy for us, I know that I’ve been an ass. . . but please.
. . you have to come out of this . . .I need you to come out of this.”
 
Brian sat back down in the chair and reached for Justin’s hand once again. 
Holding it in his own larger hand, Brian held it to his mouth.  He placed a
kiss on the back of Justin’s hand, then moved to kiss the inside of his wrist. 
“Please, Justin.  I know that things have been hard for you, and I haven’t
always been there for you when you needed me – the way you needed me.  But I
want to fix that.  I want the chance to prove to you that we can be together,
that we were meant to be together.  But I can’t do that until you wake up,
baby.  You have to wake up so I can tell you how much I love you, and I do.  I
know I never told you that before, but I do.  With all my heart.”
 
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about things these past couple of months,
Justin.  Things that I never would’ve thought I could even stand to think
about,” he continued.  Brian reached up and carefully ran his free hand through
a spot of hair that was sticking out of the bandage on Justin’s head.  “I never
believed in fate, never wanted to . . . but I wonder about that now.  I wonder
why I had left the club when I did, why I had looked over when I did.  All I
know was when I was ready to get into the jeep that night, something inside of
me screamed at me to turn around.  There was a pull, a . . . I don’t know . . .
but something told me to turn around.  You were pulling me toward you.  And
when I saw you. . . you looked like an angel with the light dancing off of you,
and the mist rising around you.  I have never before seen anything like that. 
At that moment I was lost.  I didn’t realize it then, but that’s when I fell in
love with you, and I knew I had to have you.”
 
“I have never believed in love at first sight, or love for that matter, but you
proved me wrong.  You proved to me that I could be loved, and that I could
love.  I know that I never really showed you, never told you what you meant to
me, but these past couple of months without you, I’ve felt so lost.  Like I
wasn’t complete without you there.  I’d wake up and reach out for you, I’d
shower and want you there with me.  Everywhere I went, I thought of you.  I
need you, Justin,” he said through the tears that were freely falling down his
face.  He hoped that Justin could hear him, he hoped that Justin knew that he
was there, and loved him.  Brian had heard that people in a coma could hear
people around them, he hoped that it was true.  He hoped that Justin could hear
him now, and that Justin understood what he was saying.  “And I love you.  If I
could turn back the clock, and change the way things were between us those past
couple of months, I would.  I hope you know that.  But I was scared . . .
scared of what I felt for you.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think
that I would be in a relationship.  Never would I have thought that I could
love someone like I do you.  You taught me the meaning of the phrase soul
mate.  ‘Cause you are mine, Justin.”
 
Brian closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.  ‘Please hear me, Justin,’ he
begged.  ‘Please.’  “Justin. . . you need to wake up, baby.  You need to wake
up and tell me you hear me, that you forgive me.  Tell me that it isn’t my
fault.  I know we both messed up in the relationship.  I wouldn’t listen, and
you wouldn’t talk, but we can work that out.  I know that sex isn’t always the
answer, but you need to talk to me.  I needed you to be the one to tell me when
I fucked up.  But we can fix that.  I want to . . . no need to fix that.  I
need you.  Wake up, so that I can tell you how I feel, so that we can make it
right between us.  Please . . . please.  You can’t leave me now, not when I’ve
finally realized what you meant to me.  I want a second chance.  I want the
chance to prove to you I can be the man you want, the man you deserve.  But I
can’t do that unless you wake up.  I’ve almost lost you before, and I can’t do
that again.  I need you to show me that you’re okay – that I’m not too late. 
Wake up, baby, please.”
 
Brian couldn’t continue.  He felt drained, empty.  Brian sat back down in the
chair, and placed his head on the edge of the bed still holding Justin’s hand
in his own, as the tears continued to fall.  ‘Let him know that you’re there –
that you love him.  Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, do what you need to
do to let go.  Don’t hold back for us, or for Justin,’ Jennifer’s words came
back to his mind as he allowed the pain to emerge.  He began to let it all out;
all of the pain, all of the sadness, and feelings of unfairness and anger came
pouring out.  He was releasing it so that he could be there for Justin when he
woke up, and Brian knew that he would.  Justin had to; he just had to come back
to him.  He would come back to Brian, and they would make it work.  ‘Love my
son, take care of him, let him know that you’re there.’ Brian once again
brought Justin’s hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the inside of his
wrist.  “I love you, Justin.  Come back to me.”
 
*******************
 
Brian was awoken by a hand on his back, quickly he looked up at Justin
wondering if the man was awake.  “Brian,” he heard Jennifer behind him, letting
him know in his heart, that nothing had changed.  Justin was still unconscious,
and Brian hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep.  Brian sat up in the chair
and ran his hands through his hair.  ‘Fuck, I’m tired,’ he realized.  “I got
all of us checked into the hotel,” Jenn explained, and Brian only nodded in
response.  “Why don’t you go and change, shower, eat, whatever.  I’ll stay with
him for a little while.”  Brian felt a sudden sense of dread deep inside him. 
He didn’t want to leave, he couldn’t leave.  If he left, and something were to
happen to Justin while he was gone . . . he would never forgive himself.  As if
Jennifer could feel his turmoil, Brian felt her hand gently rub his shoulder. 
“You won’t be any good to Justin if you’re not taking care of yourself,” she
began.  “Plus, I’m sure that that suit is not very comfortable to sleep in. 
Go, I’ll watch over him.  If anything happens I’ll call.”
 
Brian nodded, then leaned over to kiss Justin lightly on the corner of his
mouth.  “I’ll be back.  I love you,” he whispered to the young man.  Taking the
keycard and car keys that Jenn held out for him, he glanced one last time
toward Justin and left the room. 
 
When Brian reached the hotel, he immediately went to his room, stripped off his
jacket, and fell onto the bed.  He reached up to loosen his tie, and closed his
eyes.  The past couple of hours weighed heavily on his soul, and all Brain
wanted to do was forget.  He wished that Justin was there with him at that
moment so that he could lose himself in the other man.  He wanted to forget
that Justin was injured, that Justin was unconscious.  He wanted to go back to
a time when everything was good, when they were together, when there were no
barriers.  He looked at his watch; suddenly realizing what day was coming up,
and cursed.  It was coming up on Gus’ Birthday, his and Justin’s anniversary. 
He thought back to their last anniversary, and what had lead them to that
moment.  Justin had remembered the bashing at Gus’ party, and Brian had taken
the young man home.  He never did find out who had gotten his kid that damn
bat, but it didn’t matter, ‘cause Justin was hurting.  They had made love that
night for the first time.  Brian had never felt closer to anyone than he had at
that moment.
 
Still laying flat on the bed, Brian reached over to his jacket and pulled out
his cellphone.  He had promised Lindsey that he would call when he had news, so
he figured that he would follow through with that plan.  He waited for the
phone to pick up, not sure if he wanted the answering machine or Lindsey to
pick up.  “Hello,” Brian heard Lindsey’s voice say.
 
“Lindz, it’s Bri,” he said placing his arm over his eyes ensuring that the
phone was still tucked in tightly to his ear.
 
“Bri, what’s going on?  How’s Justin,” she asked.
 
Brian took a deep breath, not sure how much he really wanted to tell them. 
Yes, they were his friends, but he wasn’t sure he could deal with all of them
coming down here right now.  And he knew they would.  “It’s not good, Lindz.”
 
“Talk to me, Bri.”
 
“Justin’s in a coma right now.  He has a head injury and his right shin is
fractured.  Right now all we can do is wait,” he automatically informed her. 
Brian figured if he could stay closed off, and tell them just the bear
essentials without going into the emotions of the whole thing, he might
actually survive. 
 
“Do we know anything, anything at all,” Brian heard her shaky voice. 
 
‘Don’t lose it, Lindz.  Please don’t lose it.  I don’t think I can make it if
you do,’  he thought.  He knew if she lost it, then he wouldn’t be able to
continue.  “We don’t know much right now, we’ll just have to wait until he
wakes up.  When that will be we don’t know.”
 
“Bri?  Do you want us to come down there?  Do you need us there for you,” she
asked him.
 
‘Yes,’ he wanted to yell, but then shook his head.  “I don’t see the point
right now.  There’s not much we can do, and I know Justin wouldn’t want all of
you to put your lives on hold because of him.  Especially since he’s not even
awake to enjoy it.  Besides Gus’ Birthday is coming up, and I know you have
that big, fucking party planned.  Don’t put it aside because of this.”
 
“Brian, you know we all love Justin, and we would want to be there for him –
for you, and Jennifer, and Molly,” she stated.
 
Brian sighed deeply, knowing that he just might lose this battle.  Lindsey had
always been able to get him to do things that he didn’t want to do.  How in the
hell she was able to do that, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to let her
this time.  He couldn’t.  “I know you do, Lindz.  But think about Justin for a
moment.  Think of what he would want.  He wouldn’t want to ruin Gus’ party, or
interrupt your lives.  You know that, Lindz.  Just please don’t do anything
stupid.”
 
“I don’t know, Brian,” he heard her said.  Then he heard the background noise
coming over the line.  ‘Fuck, just what I don’t need right now.  The whole
fucking gang there waiting to ambush me.’ He knew before Lindsey even told him
that the others wanted to talk to him.  “Brian, Deb wants to talk to you.”
 
“Lindz,” he began, but knew she didn’t hear him as the phone changed hands.
 
“Brian, is Sunshine going to be alright,” he heard Deb ask.
 
‘How the fuck am I supposed to know,’  he wanted to yell.  “Justin will be
fine, don’t worry about it.  There’s nothing that anyone can do right now, so
don’t worry about it.”
 
“Don’t worry about it!  What the hell are you saying?”  Brian cringed slightly
at Deb’s outburst, as he quickly pulled the offensive item away from his ear. 
“Don’t worry about it.  Sunshine is hurt, and I want to know what is going on.”
 
“Deb, listen, as I told Lindsey, don’t worry about it.  There’s nothing that
anyone can do right now, but wait.”
 
“Well I’m coming down there.  I’ll get on the first fucking plane down there. 
Sunshine will need us down there, and so will you and Jennifer,” he heard her
say.
 
‘Fuck!’   “Deb, right now is not the best time.  Justin wouldn’t want you all
to put your lives on hold, as I told Lindsey.  Jenn, Daphne, Molly, and I are
doing okay.  There’s nothing that anyone can do.  Hell we don’t even know when
he’ll wake up,” he tried to explain.
 
“That doesn’t matter.  We care, dammit.  We should be able to be there,” She
said.  Brian knew that they all meant well, and that they cared what happened,
but he also knew that since they had no idea when Justin would wake up, it
would be a wasted trip.
 
He knew that they wouldn’t leave it alone, so he figured that he’d give them an
alternative.  He needed them away right now so that he could concentrate on
Justin, and Justin only.  “Listen, I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll give regular
updates, and when he comes out of his coma, I’ll call you guys and let you
know.  Then we can try and get you all down here.”
 
Brian could tell that Deb was thinking it over, and he silently prayed that she
would accept.  “Alright.  I don’t have to like it, but alright.  You better let
us know the minute he wakes up, you understand me.”
 
Brian could almost see Deb standing there with her hand on her hip waving a
finger in his face.  “Yes, Deb.  I said I would and I will.  Fuck!  I’m not
that fucking insensitive.”  He hated that they still thought the worst of him. 
He hated it especially since THEY were the ones who had ignored Justin when he
needed them the most.  He didn’t want to argue with them over anything right
now.  “Look, I have to let you guys go, so that I can get back to the
hospital.  I’ll keep in touch,” he finished as he hung up.  He didn’t want to
hear anymore from anyone up there.  Brian threw his cell on the bed beside him,
and closed his eyes.  He could feel anger growing in him at the entire
situation – both with everyone back in Pittsburgh, and with Justin’s
condition.  He knew that he had to try and let it go, he wouldn’t let Justin
feel the tension that he was feeling. 
 
Brian rolled out of the bed, and began to strip his clothes.  By the door he
spotted his suitcase, and began to pull out everything he needed, then headed
for the shower.  As he turned on the water, he thought of Justin, and their
time together.  He missed holding the younger man in his arms, feeling their
bodies pressed together as the water cascaded around them.  Brian began to run
the soap over his body, imagining Justin’s smooth hands caressing up and down
his body.  Closing his eyes, Brian brought forth the image of Justin before
him.  He could see the desire in the blue eyes -- the need -- as he felt his
own need begin to grow.  Brian reached down and began to run his hand over his
cock, lightly teasing the tip, the same way Justin had on many occasions. 
Wrapping his hand fully over his hard cock, Brian began to stroke himself
imagining Justin’s hand was working it’s magic – seeing in his mind’s eye
Justin’s mouth licking his balls and moving up and down his cock.  His need for
Justin was overwhelming as he continued to stroke himself, gripping harder with
each stroke.  It didn’t take long before Brian felt his body begin to tighten
with the oncoming release, and he didn’t fight it – allowing the sweet release
that only Justin could allow him.
 
Brian leaned his head against the shower wall, as he tried to catch his
breath.  “Justin,” he sighed, wishing once again that the man was there.  Brian
fell to his knees, and cried.  As his tears mixed with the water from the
shower head, Brian wished that he could make the pain stop.  He wished that he
could make it wash away like the water down the drain.
 
*******************
 
It had been four days since Brian and the others had arrived in Atlanta, and
still Justin had not awaken.  Brian hardly ever left the young man’s side, and
when he did it was only to shower and change.  Kate had told them that it would
be better if they stayed at Justin’s place, and they had checked out of the
hotel, and moved to Justin’s new home.  Brian had been impressed with Justin’s
choice.  The house was a two-story town home in a quiet neighborhood.  It had a
two-car garage, and basement – which could convert into a small apartment. 
Justin had very little furniture, but Brian knew that Justin had plans to get
more in the coming weeks.  Upstairs, Justin had set up a small studio for him
to work in, with his drawings, and paintings lining the walls.  The kitchen was
large with a duel oven, and center island.  Just the way that Justin would like
it.  
 
Brian could see Justin’s presence in every inch of the home, and even noticed
that Justin had added his own little addition to the bedroom.  Seeing the neon
lights that lined the back wall behind Justin’s bed, brought a smile to Brian’s
face.  He knew that Justin had slept better with the lights on, and Brian knew
that every time Justin had those lights on, Brian was in his thoughts. 
 
Brian stood in the bedroom, and looked in the mirror.  Today was Nate’s
funeral, and Brian felt he had to be there for Justin.  He knew that Justin
would’ve wanted to be there, so Brian decided that since Justin couldn’t he
would for him.  Brian had met Nate once before, and talked to him many times on
the phone.  Justin and Nate had become good friends, and Brian had been
grateful that Justin had found someone that he could share things with.  But
now those days were over with.  The same accident that had claimed Nate’s life
had also left Justin in a coma.  Brain turned when he heard a knock on the
opened bedroom door.  “Yeah,” he said not bothering to turn around.

He spotted Kate and Kelly walk into the room from their reflection in the
mirror.  “We’ll we’re ready whenever you are,” Kelly said with a sad smile on
her face.  Brian walked over to her and gave her a hug.  Kelly had lost her
brother, but she had still been there ever minute praying for Justin’s quick
recovery.  She would come by the hospital with a cup of coffee for him and
Daphne, tea for Jennifer, and milk for Molly.  Brian realized that in the short
amount of time that Justin had been in Atlanta, he had made friends that would
last a lifetime, no matter what happened.  Friends like Mickey was to him.  No
matter how angry you got at the person, when you needed them the most, they
were there for you.  Brian placed his arms around both woman’s shoulders and
walked them out of the house.  He would be there in Justin’s place.  He would
let everyone know that if Justin could be there he would.  He would do this for
Justin, ‘cause he knew that Justin would do it for him. 
 
Once they reached the church, Brian felt Kelly reach over and kiss him lightly
on the cheek.  “Thank-you, Brian.  For everything. . . for being here . . .for
being a friend.  It means a lot to me,” she said then got out of the car and
headed inside.  Brian just sat there and watched the two women as they walked
away, and thought about how differently he was viewed here.  There was no one
here who only knew him as the cold and uncaring Brian.  Everyone here had only
seen him as he knew Justin saw him.  He didn’t have to hide here.  He didn’t
have to pretend here.  He didn’t have to be the strong one here.
 
It wasn’t that he felt trapped by his friends back in Pittsburgh, it was just
that for so many years he had acted a certain way.  They had gotten so used to
that person, and almost refused to see him as he was now.  Justin HAD changed
him, in more ways then one.  He knew that their refusal to see, their
interference had been part of the problem between him and Justin.  Maybe here,
away from their past they could have a chance to start over.  He hoped so. 
‘Now all you have to do is wake up, Justin.  You have to wake up.’ Brian got
out of the car and headed inside to say good-bye to someone he had only met
briefly, but had made a big impression on him.  He would say good-bye for
Justin, and himself.
 
*******************
 
Brian walks out of the hospital the next day and moves toward the rental car
with keys in hand.  He didn’t think he could handle it anymore.  He didn’t
think that he could stand there and watch as Justin fought for his life and not
knowing if he was going to live or die.  Upon reaching the car he opened the
door and sat in the driver’s seat – putting the key in the ignition.  He didn’t
turn the car on, only placed his head against the steering wheel, and tried
some of the breathing techniques that the doctor had taught him to use with
Justin the last time he was getting out of the hospital.  ‘I’m not strong
enough to deal with this.  I can’t fucking do this, not again,’ he thought as
he continued to try and breathe.  It was getting so hard to sit in that room. 
Every time he walked in that room, and looked at Justin laying there he felt as
if the walls were closing in around them.  He was losing Justin, he just knew
it, and he wanted to stop it, he wanted to wrap Justin in his arms and never
let him go. 
 
There was a light tapping on the passenger window causing Brian to glance in
that direction.  Spotting Marsha standing there with a cup of coffee in her
hands he just turned his head back to the look at the floor beneath him. 
Reaching out to the lock he let her in, without saying a word.  “Thought you
could use this,” she said placing a cup of steaming Starbucks coffee down
beside him.  “Let’s go some place where we can talk,” she suggested, and Brian
just started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.  “Just follow my
directions and we should be there in no time,” she said with a slight smile. 
Brian didn’t look at her or even really acknowledge her, just followed her
directions heading toward parts unknown.  They had been driving for a little
more than an hour or so, when they had finally reached their destination. 
“It’s a secluded little spot that I take Justin to every now and then when he
just wants to let loose.  It’s a good place to yell, scream, damn the gods,
whatever.  I thought you could use a little break from the big, bad city.”
 
Brian stepped out of the car, and finally realized that he was no longer at the
hospital.  He hadn’t even realized that he had shut down and was going on
nothing until he felt the cool breeze and clean air hit his lungs.  “What is
this place,” he asked as he took a look around.  It was dark, and there were no
lights anywhere.  Trees lined in rows as far as the eyes could see, is what
greeted Brian, and he felt a sudden sense of peace.  He could almost see Justin
sitting on a rock nearby, sketchbook in hand, capturing the beauty around him.
 
“This is what I call my office,” Marsha said, sitting on the hood of the car. 
“As I said I’m not really the traditional shrink,” she said with a laugh.  “I
found this spot after my parents kicked me out.  Okay, beat the shit out of me,
then kicked me out after finding out I was gay.  I got in my car, and just
started driving.  Something in me told me to stop here.  I don’t know what it
was, but when I walked around I felt peace – I felt connected to something
bigger than myself.  I came here, and just started yelling – yelling at the top
of my lungs, telling the gods that they weren’t going to ruin my life.  I asked
why. . .why me.  Why is this shit happening to me?  I kept going on that I
wasn’t going to let them bring me down.  I wasn’t going to let THEM take what I
am away from me.”  Brian turned toward her, trying to look deep in her soul –
asking her, wanting answers.  “When I walked away, I knew.  I knew what I was,
who I wanted to be.  I felt at peace for the first time in a long, long time. 
I found the will to fight here.  This place gave me the strength to continue. 
To live.”
 
Brian could only nod, knowing what she meant.  She had told him that she was
going to help him, that she wanted him to be strong for Justin.  She had told
him that she would be there for him, that he had people who would support him. 
For the first time since this had happened, he felt like it was true.  Normally
it was Mickey who had been able to pull him out of his despair, but here was a
person who had met him on two other occasions helping him out.  They didn’t owe
each other anything.  They had no history, no common bond – except Justin. 
Before – back in Pittsburgh – it had been Justin who had been dragged into his
world.  Now it was Brian being drawn into Justin’s world.  It felt strange, but
strangely liberating.  He was finally beginning to feel like he could be
himself.  Like no one here was going to judge him for his past mistakes, his
past remarks.  “Go ahead.  Let it all out.  No one here will judge you for what
you’re thinking what you’re feeling.  Trust me there is nothing you can say
that these trees haven’t heard.  Hell, between Justin and myself, do you
honestly think that there’s anything you can add that they haven’t heard
already.  Just let it all out, so that you can go back to that hospital and
wait it out.  So that you can go back there strong enough to deal with this. 
If you hold it all in, you will only destroy yourself.  Trust me I know, I’ve
seen it happen more times than I care to count.  Don’t let this destroy you. 
Let it make you stronger, let it make your relationship with Justin stronger.”
 
Brian watched as Marsha got off of the hood of the car, and turned around to
head down a small bend between the trees giving him time to be alone.  Brian
looked up at the sky, and closed his eyes.  ‘Let it all out?  If I do that, I
may never be able to return.  I’ll fucking drown,’ he thought.  Then he glanced
around and saw Marsha sitting on a rock well within sight to offer help if he
needed it, but allowing him the space he needed.  Brian sat down on the grass,
and began to pick at the fallen leaves beneath him.  Everything that he had
been feeling since he had gotten that dreadful phone call days ago, began to
surface of their own free will.  He began to feel consumed by the unfairness of
the whole thing, and suddenly began to let it out.  “Hasn’t he been through
enough?  Hasn’t he fucking proven himself to you over and over again?  Why? 
Just fucking tell me why!”  With each sentence that passed his lips his felt
his anger rise, forcing his voice louder until it began to echo throughout the
small valley of trees.  “What the fuck has he done to deserve this shit?  Huh? 
Tell me.  Is it because of me?  Are you trying to get to me through him?  Don’t
fucking punish him because of me.  Don’t you fucking dare!”
 
Brian stood and looked at the sky above him.  “Justin is a beautiful, kind,
caring, loving, young man.  If you want to fucking punish someone take me. 
Leave him alone.  Let him have some fucking peace!  Fuck.  He hasn’t done a dam
thing in his life except love me.  Is that so fucking wrong in your eyes?  Well
FUCK YOU!”  Brian picked up a sharp rock from the ground and threw it up
towards the sky.  “First you fucking send in Craig, then Hobbs, and now this. 
What else do we have to go through to prove to you?  What other fucking test do
you want to throw at us?  Did you want me to realize that I love him, that I
can’t live without him?  Is that what the fuck you want?  Well guess what I
DO!  I LOVE HIM!  HAPPY NOW!  I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!” 
 
Brian felt his legs begin to weaken, as he fell to the ground.  “I love him. .
. Oh god,” he began as he felt his anger begin to fade to reveal the pain
hidden deep within his heart.  Brian felt arms wrap around him, holding him
tightly in an embrace.  “I can’t fucking lose him.  I can’t live without him. I
love him,” he cried.
 
“And he loves you, too.  You’ll get through this Brian.  Both of you.  And
you’ll both be stronger for it,” Marsha said to him still holding him tightly
as he let the pain go for the first time since he got word about Justin’s
accident. 
 
“Why,” he asked through the tears.
 
“Hell if I know, but I do know that you’ll get through this. . . together.  I
have faith in you, and in Justin.  You’ll make it through this.  If you believe
in anything, Brian, believe in that.  Believe in your love for Justin.  Never
give up on that.  Never.  That’s what will get you through this, and through
the years ahead.”
 
Brian held tightly to Marsha as he let his pain go.  When he finally felt it
ease, he wasn’t sure how long they had been there, but he knew that she had
been right about one thing.  He felt more at peace than he had in a long time. 
He finally felt that he might be able to do this . . . he just might be able to
be there for Justin, and help him through this.  He also knew that if he ever
felt lost again, he knew where he could come to get himself straight.  He knew
where he could come to realize what was important.  Brian pulled back form the
embrace and smiled his thanks slightly at Marsha.  “Shall we head back?  I need
to be there for Justin.”
 
“That’s my boy,” she said as she stood and began to move to the car.  “You know
what,” she asked as they reached the car.  “Grass stains are a bitch to get out
of jeans.”
 
Brian laughed at the stupidity of her comment.  Here he was yelling at the
world for the unfairness of what happened to Justin and she was bitching about
her fucking clothes.  “I’ll fucking buy you a new pair, okay.  Dam!”
 
“Don’t worry, I’ll just add the cost to your bill,” she said as she got in the
car.  “Well let’s go.  Justin’s waiting.”
 
Brian shook his head, and got into the car.  “Bitch,” he whispered as he
started the car, heading back to the hospital and Justin.
 
*******************
 
It had been two weeks since they had heard about Justin’s accident.  Two weeks
of waiting for Justin to come out of his coma.  Jennifer had told Brian that
she had to get back to work, and had left a week ago.  Molly couldn’t miss any
more school, and they all knew that Justin wouldn’t allow it.  Not because of
him.  Brian had told her that he would call the first sign that Justin was
coming out of the coma, and make sure that she got down here as soon as
possible.  Daphne was the next to leave.  Her classes were starting again, and
Brian had to force her out of Atlanta.  She kept telling him that she could
stay, that she wanted to stay. . .to hell with school.  But Brian would hear
none of it.  So he had forced her on a plane back to Pittsburgh.  His stuff
from there had been arriving daily to Justin’s home, and things were slowing
coming to a conclusion.  Slowly his life was moving away from the past, and
heading toward his future.  His future here -- in Atlanta -- with Justin. 
 
He had been working out of the offices here, in order to get the final
preparations taken care of for his ‘official’ move down here.  Vance was
actually thrilled at the chance to have Brian there to completely oversee the
final details of the buyout, so he didn’t give Brian any grief over leaving two
weeks a head of time.  Brian had spent most of his time either at work,
Justin’s town home, or at the hospital.  He had decided that no matter how much
Justin argued with him, he was moving in with the younger man – in fact he had
already had all of this things sent to the town home.  Justin would need
supervision when he got out, he would need to be watched and monitored.  So
Brian figured it would be easier if he just moved in now.  Hopefully that way,
Justin couldn’t say that he was interfering in his life, that he was forcing
Brian to give up everything for him.  Brian wasn’t going to take no for an
answer, and took matters into his own hands.  He would be there as a friend, as
someone Justin could trust.  ‘And hopefully get him to allow me to be there for
him as a partner, as a boyfriend.’ 
 
Brian knew that it would take time for Justin to feel that he was ‘worthy’
enough to give their relationship another try, but Brian was determined to
prove to Justin that it was worth it.  That he was worth it.  He wasn’t going
to let this go.  Brian was now a man on a mission, and no one, not even Justin
was going to stop him.  He was going to get Justin back, and he was willing to
do whatever it took to accomplish that task. 
 
“Now all you have to do is wake up, Sunshine,” he said.  Brian sat back in the
chair, holding Justin’s hand tightly in his own.  As he felt himself begin to
doze off he felt something.  Immediately, Brian sat forward in the chair and
stared at the bed – at Justin.  “Justin,” he asked.  “Justin can you hear me?” 
When no reply came, Brian began to wonder if he was just imagining things.  As
he began to relax, he felt it again.  This time there was no doubt in his
mind.  Justin’s hand had moved.  Justin was waking up.  Justin was coming back
to them.

Part 4b: Breathe – Exhale
 
                                        
                   I can feel the magic floating in the air
                        Being with you gets me that way
                  I watch the sunlight dance across your face
                      And I've never been this swept away
               All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
                    When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
                        The whole world just fades away
                             The only thing I hear
                         Is the beating of your heart
                             Breathe – Faith Hill
 
Brian stood outside gate as the plane arrived, waiting for Jennifer to arrive. 
After he had noticed Justin starting to wake, he immediately called her, and
told her the good news.  Jennifer was on a plane an hour later, and now Brian
was standing there waiting for her to come off the plane.  Justin had awakened
fully two hours ago, and was immediately carted off for tests.  Brian
reluctantly left his side, knowing that there was nothing that he could do, and
headed for the airport.  After weeks of sitting by waiting – watching as life
slowly crawled around him – it had seemed as if someone had hit the fast
forward button.  Everything was happening so quickly that Brian wasn’t sure if
he could keep up. 
 
Brian took a deep breath and stretched his sore muscles.  He felt like he had
been sleeping in that uncomfortable hospital chair for years, as every muscle
screamed at him in protest at his sudden movement.  Brian felt a smile come to
his lips as he saw Jennifer walk off the plane and head toward him.  His smile
was short-lived however, as he looked past her and saw a hoard of people
following closely behind her.  ‘Fuck!  I told them not to come yet,’he swore to
himself.  Brian had called Lindsey after his talk with Jennifer and told her
the news.  He had told them that until he could determine Justin’s mood, he
didn’t want everyone around.  He wanted to have the chance to talk to Justin,
and time to allow Justin to come to terms with his new disability, but no. 
Silently he cursed as he saw Deb, Vic, Lindsey, Emmett, and Michael all make
their way over to him.  Brian had hoped they would’ve listened.  ‘But once
again, they don’t fucking listen.  FUCK!’  Brian suddenly wished that Marsha
was there with him, but he knew that she was needed more at the hospital with
Justin.
 
“I thought I told you all to fucking wait until we knew something,” he said as
he looked over at the group that had arrived in front of him. 
 
Jenn placed her hand on his arm, forcing him to look at her.  “Brian, they
insisted on coming.”
 
“Fuck that.  I told all of you to hold off.  We don’t know anything right now,
and the last thing that Justin needs is everyone fucking hovering around,” he
said as the turned away from them.  He couldn’t look at them, as he led the way
toward the baggage claim area.  He glanced over at Jennifer, and shook his
head.  “I got you a rental car.  They’re most likely still running tests so if
you want to drop your stuff off at the house you can, then head on over.”
 
Jennifer smiled at him slightly.  “Thank you, but I think I’ll head straight to
the hospital.  I can only stay the weekend before I have to go back.”
 
“Where’s Molly?”
 
“She’s with her father.  I didn’t feel right pulling her out of school anymore
than I already have,” she said as she began to look for her luggage.
 
“In other words that asshole refused to let you bring her down here,” Brian
said with disgust.  He knew the answer and refused to hide his anger.  “Fucking
bastard.”
 
Jenn just lowered her head, and Brian could see the pain and stress Craig was
putting her through.  It just made Brian hate the man more.  “How is he?”
 
Brian shrugged, still refusing to acknowledge the others that were intently
trying to listen in.  “He woke up fully two hours ago, and the doctors carted
him off for tests.  I won’t know anything until we get out of here, and I can
call Marsha.”
 
Jenn nodded.  “She stayed there with him?”
 
Brian nodded and looked out at the people meeting and reuniting with loved
ones.  “Yeah, we both thought it best.  I asked them to hold off telling him
about. . . until I got back, but who the fuck knows.  Knowing Justin as I do,
he won’t stop until he gets answers.  So she’s there to try and help him if
they do tell him.”  Brian finally turned his attention to the rest of the group
and shook his head.  “So where the fuck are all of you planning on staying?”
 
Jennifer looked at Brian with shock, but Brian shook it off.  “Brian?”
 
Brian turned to look at her briefly and just stared.  “No, Jenn.  I told them
to fucking wait.”  Brian wasn’t going to let up.  They had gone against his
wishes and just done what they thought was right, yet again.  He was sick and
tired of them trying to do what THEY thought was right for Justin.  They didn’t
know Justin and what he’d been going through.  “I told you to wait.  Wait for
Justin to get a little better.  He’s going to be finding out that he’s fucking
crippled for the rest of his life.  Now how the hell do you think he’s going to
handle that?  You don’t know.  I wanted a little time to get him through the
initial shock, so that maybe he can be ready to face all of you without feeling
your pity.  But you had to take matters into your own fucking hands.”  Brian
noticed the shocked looks on the faces of his friends and the looks he was
getting from people passing by.  He didn’t care who heard him at that moment,
he was pissed.  “You know what -- fuck it.  I have to get back to the
hospital.  You do what you want,” he said before any of them could say anything
in return to his outburst.  He handed Jennifer the keys to the rental car, and
turned to walk toward Justin’s Mustang. 
 
As Brian walked toward the car, he felt people behind him and knew that they
were going to try and get a ride from him.  Without acknowledging them Brian
pulled out his cell and dialed a now familiar number.  “Marsha, how is he?”
 
“He knows,” he heard her tell him.
 
Brian froze in the middle of the parking lot, and felt Michael run into him. 
“What!?  FUCK!  I told them to fucking wait.  What the hell were they
thinking?”  Despite the fact that he knew that Justin could find out before he
got there, Brian was furious that his wishes once again had been ignored. 
‘None of them know what’s best for Justin.  I do.’
 
Brian stood there waiting for the explanation, as he clenched the cell phone
tightly in his hand.  “It was a new guy.  He just came on duty.  Justin was
upset that the doctor wasn’t telling him anything so he asked this guy.  I’m
going back into Justin room to try and help him through this.  I just stepped
out when you called.”
 
“FUCK!  When I get my hands on that little fucker.”
 
Brian heard Marsha laugh and he was suddenly grateful that she had stayed
there.  “Trust me, I don’t think he’ll ever come near any of us again,” Brian
heard her say.  He could almost see the evil gleam in her eyes.  Despite the
fact that she was Justin’s shrink, Brian and Marsha had become friends.  She
wouldn’t tell him what she discussed with Justin, but she was there to help him
through his own pain.  She had helped him a lot these past couple of weeks. 
“But give me some time to try and talk to him.”
 
Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “How is he taking it?”
 
Brian heard nothing for a while, and began to wonder if they had been cut off. 
“Not well,” she said.  “I’m going to try and calm him down.  The doctor said
that we could try and give him a sedative, but he only wants to use that as a
last resort right now.  Don’t worry; I’ll work with him.  Take your time, don’t
rush.  We’ll be here when you get back.”
 
“Yeah, thanks.  Listen, one more thing,” Brian began, turning to face the group
behind him.  He shrugged and turned away again.  “We have a slight problem
here, too,” he quietly said into the phone.  “It seems the gang didn’t follow
my advice, and came anyway.  You think Justin would be able to see them?”
 
“Right now, no.  Justin still has a lot of issues from the time of his leaving
Pittsburgh, and I’m not sure that it’s a good time for him to see them.  He
hadn’t come to terms with any of that BEFORE this, and now. . .. Anyway, I’ll
talk to them when they get here, because seeing them right now is not in
Justin’s best interest.  And as much as I hate to say this, Brian, he doesn’t
even want to see you right now.  Hell, he doesn’t even want to see me.”  Brian
could hear the sadness in her voice as she told him. 
 
Brian reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Okay, listen I’m on my
way.  Just calm him until I can get there, then I’ll talk to him.  I don’t care
if he doesn’t want to see me, I think I’ve earned the right by sitting by his
side for the past two fucking weeks.”
 
“I always knew you were a determined fuck, Brian,” he heard her laugh.  “I’ll
see you soon.  Oh, don’t take 75,” she said quickly.  “There’s been an accident
and it’ll take you two hours just to get here, instead of 30 minutes.”
 
Brian glanced over at the group around him.  “I’ll remember that, but I might
forget to say that to some other people.  Let them find out for themselves,” he
smiled.
 
“You are an evil, evil man, Brian Kinney.  See ya soon,” she said as they hung
up.
 
Brian looked over at the group, and began to plan what the next course of
action would be.  Coming to a decision, Brian told Emmett, Lindsey, and
Jennifer that they would ride with him, leaving the others to take the rental
car.  Of course he had told Michael that the way to get to the hospital was to
stay on I-75.  He needed time to prepare Justin before they all arrived, and
why not let them sit in traffic and think about crossing him again?
 
***************
 
Brian walked into the hospital and headed down the now-familiar hallways toward
Justin’s room.  Before they reached the door, he looked over at the three with
him.  “Listen, let me go in there first.  Let me talk to him.  Once I get him
calmed down, and find out what he wants, I’ll come and get you,” he said to
them.  Silently he hoped that they would agree, ‘cause he didn’t have the
energy to fight with them.  When Jennifer gave him her blessing, Brian sighed
in relief.  As long as Jennifer agreed with him, he was okay.  He couldn't care
less about what anyone else thought.  She had given him her blessing to see her
son, and he wasn’t going to screw it up. 
 
Brian walked into the room, making sure to slide in without notice.  Sitting in
the chair by Justin’s bed was Marsha.  She was trying to talk to him, but Brian
could tell that Justin was refusing to acknowledge her.  Brian silently cursed
once again at the damn idiot who had told Justin before he had been there to
help.  ‘Time to try and clean up the mess,’ Brian thought as he moved further
into the room.  He knew the instant that Justin saw him, for Brian saw the
younger man stiffen.  “Get out,” Brian heard him quietly say.
 
“What?” Brian asked, pretending not to have heard him.
 
“I said GET OUT!  GO ON GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE,” Justin yelled. 
 
Brian moved closer to the bed, and sat down on the edge.  “No,” he simply
stated.  “I think I have every fucking right to be here, since for the past two
fucking weeks I have been sitting in that very chair waiting for you to wake
up.  So no, I’m not leaving now.”
 
“Please, just go,” Justin begged him – the fight starting to drain out of the
young man.  Brian knew that the little outburst must’ve taken a lot out of him,
and Brian hated that Justin was hurting. 
 
Brian almost folded at Justin’s painful plea.  Justin sounded so weak, and so
helpless that Brian almost gave in, but closed his eyes to refocus himself
instead.  Brian reached over and grabbed ahold of Justin’s left hand to hold it
in his own.  When he felt Justin’s weak attempt to pull away, Brian held
tighter.  “No.  I’m not going anywhere.  So deal.”  Brian gave Marsha a glance,
letting her know that he wanted time to be alone with Justin.  Taking the hint,
she got up and left the two alone.  Brian turned his attention to Justin, who
had his eyes closed and face turned away from him.  “Justin,” he quietly tried
to get his attention.  “Justin.”  When Justin didn’t answer, Brian knew he had
to get the young man’s attention.  He had to try and get Justin to see that no
matter what, he didn’t see him any differently.  He was still the man that
Brian loved.  “Fine, you don’t want to acknowledge me.  Well, then, just
listen.”
 
“Please just go away.  Go away, and leave me alone,” Justin begged. 
 
“I can’t,” Brian began.  He was going to tell Justin exactly what he had
planned on telling him when he woke up.  He had had a lot of time to think
about what he was going to say, and he wasn’t going to back down now.  “I love
you, Justin.  And no matter what you try to do – what you try to say – it’s not
going to make a damn bit of difference.  I love you, and I’m not going
anywhere.  You’re stuck with me.”
 
Justin turned to look at Brian with a shocked expression on his face.  Brian
knew that he had just admitted to Justin what the young man had always wanted
to hear from him.  The strangest thing was that Brian wasn't at all confused or
upset by his admission.  Justin needed to know how Brian felt, and he wasn’t
going to lose the chance to try and start over.  “How can you say that?” Justin
asked him.  Brian was slightly confused by the question.  The last thing he
ever would’ve thought was for that question to come out of Justin’s mouth when
he declared his love.  “How can you say that you love me?  Look at me!  LOOK AT
ME!”  Brian did as he was told and really looked at Justin.  He knew he saw the
same man that he loved – nothing had changed.  “How can you love someone who
is, and will forever be, fucked up?  How can you love someone who isn’t even a
whole person?  Do you really think you would want to deal with all the shit
that I’m now faced with?  There will be no more dancing for me.  No more
anything!  Tell me you really want to deal with that shit – and I’ll know
you’re fucking lying.  I can’t be the person you need, Brian.  I can’t be the
type of person you deserve.  I can’t be anything anymore.  How can you even
think that?  How?” Justin finished.  Brian could see the tears running down
Justin’s face, and he felt his heart break. 
 
Brian had talked to Marsha in depth about what Justin would most likely be
feeling when he woke up, and for that Brian was grateful.  It had prepared him
for what was happening now.  He knew that Justin was trying to make Brian
realize that he wasn’t worth it – that he wasn’t a whole person.  Justin was
trying to show Brian that he didn’t deserve to be loved.  He was trying to make
Brian angry and push him away so that he could suffer alone.  Brian wasn’t
going to let that happen.  “Do you honestly fucking think that I care about
that shit?  Do you think that I’m so insensitive that I care about any of
that?  I thought you knew me better than that, Justin.  You should know that I
never say anything that I don’t mean.  So you can’t walk right now, so fucking
what?  That doesn’t mean that if you work hard enough at it you won’t be able
to walk again – even if it’s years from now so fucking what?  So you suffered
yet anther head injury and your drawing hand is once again weak.  Well we got
through that once before and we’ll do it again.  Stop trying to be a drama
princess, and get over it.”  Brian reached toward Justin and pulled his face so
that he could look directly into the pale blue eyes of his lover.  "You’re
stronger than that.  You should know that I don’t care about that shit.  You
can survive this.”
 
Brian saw Justin’s eye begin to water, as the tears began to flow down the
young man’s cheeks.  “You can beat this thing.  I know you can.  You’re the
strongest person I know, and I won’t let you give up now.  You’ve survived so
much already.  Don’t let this beat you.  Fight.  Please.”
 
“Why?  Why do you care?” Justin asked.
 
“I told you, I love you,” Brian informed him through a small smile.  “I’ll be
there for you, Justin.  I’ll help you.  Take your frustration out on me, I
don’t care.  You have to let it out, don’t let it overtake you.  Please.  Let
me be there for you.”
 
Justin closed his eyes, overcome with emotion, and Brian felt himself start to
lose control.  “I don’t know if I can.  I’m so fucking scared, Brian.”
 
“I know you are, baby.  I know.  I’m scared too, but I want to help you.  I
told you that before, remember.  I want to help you; I want to be there for
you.  But I’m going to need your help here,” Brian told him.  Brian wasn’t
going to screw this up.  He had to get Justin to understand that no matter
what, his disabilities didn’t change how Brian felt for the other man.  “Tell
me something.  Do you honestly think that I care about this?” Brian said
pointing toward Justin’s injuries.  “Do you?  'Cause if you do, stop it right
now.  I don’t care about that.  That is not the reason why I love you.”
 
“Then why?” Justin asked. 
 
“Because you are the most persistent, loyal, kind, caring person I know . . .
and no one adores me as much as you,” Brian said with a smile.  When he saw a
small smile on Justin’s face he knew that he was getting through.  “And because
you taught me so much, Justin.  You taught me that I could love, and be loved. 
You taught me how to open up and let people in.  You fought tooth and nail to
get me, and now that I finally am ready to give myself to you fully, do you
think that I’m going to let you go?  Well guess again.  I love you, Justin
Taylor.  I’m not letting you go.”
 
Justin just leaned into Brian as he moved further onto the bed to pull Justin
to him.  “I don’t know if I can, Brian.  I don’t know if I have it in me
anymore.”
 
Brian laid his head on top of Justin’s and held the boy closer to him.  “Then
I’ll teach you, like you taught me.  It may not be tomorrow, Justin, or a month
from now.  But I can wait.  I can wait for you to come around, and realize –
like I have – that we belong together.  You can’t get rid of me now.  You’re
stuck with me.  I love you, baby.  No matter what.”  Brian just continued to
hold onto Justin as he felt the younger man shake with sobs.  “Let it out,
Justin.  Let it all out.  Let me be here for you, like you have for me.  I
won’t let you go.  I’ve got you,” Brian whispered to Justin.
 
“Why?  Why is this happening to me,” Justin asked him turning slightly to look
at Brian.  “Am I such a terrible person that I deserve this?  What did I do
wrong to deserve this?  Why am I being punished?”
 
Brian looked down at Justin’s sad, questioning face, and knew that he didn’t
have the answers to his questions.  “I don’t know.  I wish I did, Justin.  God,
I wish I knew, but I don’t.  But you’re not being punished.  You did nothing
wrong.  You hear me?  Nothing.”  Brian leaned in and kissed Justin lightly on
his bruised and chapped lips.  He pulled away and took Justin’s hand into his
own.  “I want you to do something for me.”
 
“What?” Justin asked, and Brian could hear the exhaustion in the man’s voice. 
 
Brian reached over and began to take off his cowry shell bracelet.  “I want you
to wear this, okay?”
 
“Brian, no.  You never take that off.  Never.  I can’t take that,” Justin began
to protest.
 
”Listen to me before you start getting yourself worked up.”  Brian heard Justin
take a deep breath, and was silent.  “Okay, now I want you to wear this so that
you'll know that no matter what is going on – no matter where you are – you'll
know that I’ll be there for you.”  Brian took Justin’s right hand and gently
placed it around his wrist, tying it securely.  “If you start to feel like you
can’t take it, or you feel like you’re not good enough, or whatever, I want you
to look at this, and know that no matter what, I love you, and I’m here for
you.”  Brian watched as Justin looked down at the addition to his wrist.  “You
can yell and scream at me all you want when it gets too much.  I can take it. 
Just let me be there for you.  I’ll watch out for you.”
 
“Brian,” Justin began as he pushed himself further into Brian.  “Help me.”
 
“I will, Justin.  Don’t worry about that.”
 
“Promise me something,” Justin began.  “Promise me that you won’t let me hurt
you again.”
 
“I don’t know if I can, Justin.  We’ll both hurt each other, but I promise you
that we’ll work it out,” Brian said.  “No matter what, we’ll make it through
this.”  Brian felt Justin begin to relax a little in his embrace and knew that
this was just the first of many outburst that they would have to work through. 
Justin’s anger and sadness at this whole ordeal was only starting.  “There are
some other people here to see you,” Brian stated, and immediately felt Justin
stiffen in his arms.  “But if you’re not ready to see them, I’ll tell them to
go away.  I’m not going to force you to see anyone.  Well, except maybe your
mom, but that’s it.”
 
Justin just shook his head.  “I don’t want to see them.”
 
Brian just nodded.  “Okay, I’ll tell them that they’ll just have to wait. 
Okay?”
 
“Okay,” Justin said.  Brian could feel Justin start to slip away into sleep. 
All the drugs that had been pumped into his body and the whole ordeal of waking
up and learning the extent of his injuries had taken its toll on the young
man.  “Tired,” Justin stated.
 
”Sleep.  I’ll be here when you wake up,” Brian said as he laid a kiss on top of
Justin’s head. 
 
“Promise.”
 
“I promise,” Brian stated as he felt Justin lose his fight with sleep.  “I’ll
be here, Justin.  You can count on that.”
 
******************
 
Brian walked out of Justin’s room to face the ‘firing squad from Pittsburgh’. 
He knew that they were going to give him shit for what he was about to tell
them, but he had promised Justin that he would keep them away.  He walked into
the small waiting room, and immediately noticed that the others had finally
made it.  ‘I guess they cleared up the accident pretty well,’ he thought with a
smile.  He saw that Marsha was sitting there talking to them, and Brian just
stood by the door so that he could listen in without interrupting.  “As I was
saying, Justin has a lot to deal with right now, and it’s not just from this
recent event either.  He still has a lot of issues still unresolved from when
he left Pittsburgh.  He’s not sure that he can trust any of you, and he’s not
sure if he is ready to face his past mistakes.  I’m not sure he’s ready to face
those yet either.”
 
“Why wouldn’t he be able to trust us?” Michael stated, forcing Brian to laugh.
 
Brian walked into the room, and sat down next to Marsha and leaned his head
back against the chair.  “Why the hell would he trust you, Michael?  Fuck, you
were the one who betrayed him.”
 
“What?!  I did what was right, Brian.  He was cheating on you, you needed to
know,” Michael angrily stated. 
 
Brian continued to relax in the chair, not wanting to get into this
conversation here, but knowing that Michael wasn’t going to let it go.  He had
gotten over his initial rage at the group for what they had done, or not done,
to Justin during his final months in Pittsburgh.  However, he had not fully
gotten over his anger.  Brian felt something being placed in his hand, and he
looked up to see Marsha place a cup of coffee in it.  Smiling his thanks, he
turned his attention back to his friends.  “Look, we all know that Justin was
cheating on me.  That is not in dispute here.  But you could’ve talked to him
about it.  You should’ve just let him handle it himself.  Let him know what you
saw, and let him handle it in his own way.  But you had to play the hero,
didn’t you, Mikey?  You just had to try and rescue me.”
 
“I did it because you’re my friend, and I care about you.  HE was the one who
was cheating on you.  He’s at fault here, not me,” Michael stated, standing.
 
“Sit your ass down, Mikey,” Brian said.  When Michael sat back down, Brian took
a deep breath.  “I don’t fucking care what happened, and frankly it’s over. 
What I want to know is why none of you fucking bothered to check up on him
after the break-up.  Why did all of you just blame him, and shut him out?” 
Brian heard everyone begin to talk at once, and Brian raised his hand to
silence them.  “That’s what I’m talking about.  You all just decided to take it
upon yourselves, once again, to interfere where you should’ve just left well
enough alone.  You all decided that Justin needed to be punished for ‘breaking
my poor wittle heart’.  Fuck that.  You were wrong.  No one bothered to even
notice that he was suffering.  No one even bothered to try and talk to him.  So
don’t fucking tell me what is right and what is wrong.  If Justin doesn’t want
to see you, or deal with your shit right now, who could blame him?  Why should
he have to face being judged by you again?”
 
“Bri, that’s not what we were doing,” Lindsey spoke up.
 
”Lindz, I know that you, Emmett, and Vic stood by his side, and for that I’m
grateful.  What I’m talking about is you – Deb and Michael – sitting there and
treating him differently.  And it wasn’t just the two of you either.  It was
everyone.”  Brian placed the cup of coffee on the side table and leaned forward
to run his hands against his face.  ‘God, I am tired.’  “Jenn, Justin says that
he’ll see you, but he’s resting right now, so if you want to wait,” he said. 
Jenn agreed to wait, and Brian turned to the others in the room.  “However,
Justin’s not ready to deal with all of you yet.  He doesn’t want you to see him
like this, and he just doesn’t want to deal.  I agree.  So until he tells me
differently, you’ll have to wait.  I’m sorry if it seems unfair, but you
should’ve listened to me when I told you to stay where you were.”
 
“Brian, how can he not want to see us?” Deb asked.  “We love him.”   Brian
could hear the pain that his words had caused her.  He knew that Deb loved
Justin, and that Justin loved her. 
 
“I’m sorry, but Justin’s my responsibility, and I promised him that I would do
what he wants.  If he says he’s not ready, then he’s not ready.  I’m sorry,” he
said honestly to her.  “You can see him through the glass, you can stay and
wait it out, or you can go home, whatever.  But until he says that he wants to
see you and talk to you, you need to abide by his wishes.”
 
“We wanted to see Justin,” Deb persisted.
 
“Yeah, well he doesn’t want to see you right now.  But did you listen?  No. 
Once against you are butting in where you have no right to butt into.  You are
trying to interfere . . . and this time, it’s not going to work,” Brian stared
at them, daring them to say anything. 
 
Marsha let out a loud sigh, bringing everyone’s attention toward her. 
“Alright, the important thing here is Justin.  Nothing else matters right now. 
Not the past, nothing.  Justin is what matters.”  Marsha turned toward Brian
and smiled.  “You know, you asshole, you never told me he had such a mouth on
him.”
 
Brian smiled at her attempt to break the tension in the room.  He picked up his
cup of coffee and tipped toward her.  “I can attest to that,” Brian said in his
normal tongue in cheek manner.
 
Marsha hit him lightly on the arm, and shook her head.  “You are such a
pervert, you know that?  You know what I mean, and it wasn’t that.”
 
“But it was a good attempt at distracting us, wasn’t it?” Brian said as he
began to stand.  “Why don’t all of you head up to the house, and the rest of us
will be up there as soon as we can.  Marsha, can you take them to the house,
show them where to go?”
 
“Of course, but you have my number if he needs me,” she said, standing as
well. 
 
“Well, it’s been real, but I promised Justin that I’d be there when he wakes
up, so . . .”  Brian just turned and walked away, having had the last word.
 
****************
 
Justin had been awake for two weeks, and he still felt terrible.  Brian had
been trying hard to get him to understand that his disabilities didn’t matter,
but Justin was finding it hard to believe.  He had suffered two seizures, and
every time he had one, the pain that followed was excruciating.  The drugs they
were giving him to stop the seizures were making him sick, and he couldn’t take
them with the pain medication.  Overall, life was terrible. Brian was with him
everyday, and Justin felt guilty.  Most of the time, he treated Brian like
crap, yelling, crying, puking all over him, and so on.  But Brian stayed.  He
would hold him tightly against his body, telling him that he loved him, and
that he was there.  He never said that it would be okay, and for that Justin
was grateful.  It wasn’t going to be okay.  Not anymore.  His life had changed
and he wasn’t sure where he was going to go from that moment on.  His only
thought was that as long as he got through the day, he was alright.  He
couldn’t think past a day at a time.  His head hurt, his leg hurt, and his hand
was worthless once again. 
 
Brian had brought Kate over one day, when Justin was feeling low, and Justin
found that he was still able to work.  He had felt before that visit that he
would never be able to work for the firm anymore – hell he couldn’t draw, so
why would they want him?  But Kate had brought a horrendous drawing that one of
the other guys had done for an ad, and Justin had immediately told her what she
needed to do to fix it, what would look right.  It wasn’t until Kate had left
that he had realized what Brian had done, and he laughed.  Brian was doing
things like that for him, without Justin even realizing it until after the
fact.  Brian was the only one who hadn’t let him down.  He said that he would
be there no matter what, and that he would help Justin.  Brian had followed
through with everything he had promised.  This was the side that only Justin
saw – the side that he had fallen in love with.  Brian would let Justin yell
and scream at him, hit him – and he never once batted an eye.  He would look at
Justin when the spell had passed and ask him if he was done.  Justin didn’t
know what he would do without Brian there for him. 
 
When Justin would get sick, or depressed, Brian would crawl into bed with him
and hold him until it passed.  When Justin’s anger showed, Brian would stand
there and just look at him – taking everything that Justin could throw at him,
every insult.  Even though Justin knew that emotional outbursts were a part of
the whole ‘brain injury package’ he hated what he was doing to Brian.  Every
time he would start in on Brian – he knew in the back of his head that it was
wrong – that he shouldn’t be taking it out on Brian.  Brian was the only one
who was there for him.  But somehow he couldn’t stop.  He just couldn’t calm
himself enough to think about what he was doing – it would just all come out. 
 
His mother had been there for a couple of days, and Justin was grateful that
she was gone.  Despite the fact that he loved her, he hated how she tried to
hover around him, doing everything for him.  Brian would just tell him to do it
himself, and only help if Justin wasn’t physically able to do it alone.  He
knew that some of the others from Pittsburgh where there, but he just didn’t
want to see them.  He saw Emmett, Lindsey, and Vic briefly, but he couldn’t
stand to see the looks in their eyes – the look of pity.  He had enough pity
for himself, and he didn’t need theirs to add to it.  So they came only that
once.  After that visit, Justin told Brian that he wouldn’t see any of them
anymore.  He just couldn’t take the looks they were giving him.  So they didn’t
come back.  Justin didn’t know if they had gone back to Pittsburgh or not, but
to him the farther away they were right now the better.  He wasn’t ready to
face all of that right now, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would be. 
 
Justin knew that the doctors had told him that he’d be able to walk again.  He
might need to use assistance, such as a cane, but they were hopeful.  Of course
all Justin cared about was that he wouldn’t be allowed to put any pressure on
his leg for nine month to a year.  That meant either a wheel chair or
crutches.  Brian had joked about it, telling Justin that as long as his ass and
cock were alright, things were okay.  Justin had to laugh at Brian’s technique
for getting him to laugh about things – especially since he felt that there
weren’t many things to be happy about. 
 
Justin looked down at his right hand, hating that once again his art career was
in jeopardy.  The only positive thing about it was that Justin now knew that he
could get through this disability.  He may never be as good as he was before
the bashing or the accident, but he could still have his art.  He also knew
that there would be times when he wouldn’t be able to hold a pen -- that was
just all part of the package.  It was just another thing that Justin had Brian
to thank for.  Lightly he ran his left hand over the shells on Brian’s
bracelet.  Brian had given it to him so that he wouldn’t forget what he meant
to Brian.  Brian would never realize just what it meant to Justin.  When he
felt his worst, Justin would lightly run his fingers over the shells and
remember Brian’s words.  ‘I want you to look at this, and know that no matter
what, I love you, and I’m here for you.’  Justin only hoped that one day he
would be able to return that love again.  He hoped that one day he would feel
worthy of Brian's love, and that they could start over.  He owed Brian so much.
 
Marsha had come by often to sit and talk when Brian was at work.  Their talks
had also helped Justin.  Justin was glad that she was there for him, and that
she had also been helping Brian.   They had realized that the missing memories
of the prom may never return, and Justin was trying to come to terms with
that.  She had told him before that the likelihood of Justin regaining all of
his memories of that night was slim, and he had been working hard to accept
that.  He also knew that with his current injury, any memories that might have
been able to resurface were now lost to him.  He mourned their loss, especially
the loss of his and Brian’s dance.  That was the one memory of the night he
wanted most of all, but now it looked like it would never return. 
 
Marsha had also been helping him try and come to terms with his new
disabilities.  She had been as much help to him as Brian had – both actually
allowing him to believe that it wasn’t the end.  He was starting down a new
path – a more difficult path.  She had told him that despite the bad things, he
could turn it into something positive.  He could make his life, others' lives
better.  This would make him stronger in the long run, and once he got past
this – got past the initial shock – he would be much happier than he ever had
been before.  Of course she had mentioned that it was already looking up ‘cause
he had Brian there with him, willing to do anything for him.  This had gotten
Brian to admit what he felt, and they now had a chance to make a life together
in the future.  A chance that wasn’t allowed them before.  They were now
equals, and that was what made the biggest difference of all. 
 
Justin looked up when the door opened and smiled when he saw Brian come in. 
“Hey,” he said.
 
“Well, I see that you’re up,” Brian answered as he came over and kissed Justin
lightly on the lips.  “So how was therapy today?  It did start today, right?”
 
Justin nodded and laughed slightly.  “Yeah, it did.”  He moved over so that
Brian could sit on the edge of the bed, careful of his leg.  “It wasn’t too
bad.  They think that for right now, I will have to use an electronic
wheelchair, ‘cause of my hand.  I mean since it’s still weak, and will be for
awhile, I can’t very well use crutches or a regular wheelchair.”
 
Brian picked up Justin’s hand and ran his fingers over the shell bracelet the
same way Justin had earlier.  “I guess you can be giving me rides then,” he
said with a smile.  “I’m sure we can come up with some uses for it.”
 
Justin just shook his head.  He should’ve figured that Brian would think of
something sexual.  “I don’t know it’s kinda small.  It’d be a tight fit.”
 
Brian leaned into Justin and breathed in his ear.  “You should know how much I
like a tight fit.”
 
“God, you are so bad.  Here I am, getting fitted for a fucking wheelchair, and
you’re thinking about sex,” Justin laughed.  “I should’ve known.”
 
“Well, you know me by now.  I just can’t get enough of you.”  Justin just
continued to shake his head.  Once again, Brian had made him laugh about the
sadness of what was happening to him.  He had pulled Justin out of the edge of
depression with a single comment.
 
“What?”  Brian asked.
 
“How do you do it?”  Seeing the confused look on Brian’s face, Justin just
smiled.  “Right when I’m ready to fall into a depression fit, you always seem
to find something to say that makes me laugh.  I mean first it was the whole
deal with me not being able to work again, and here you come with Kate, and
make me see how stupid I was to think that.”  Justin watched as Brian turned
his face to look at the far wall.  He knew that Brian didn’t want Justin to
know half of the stuff that he had done to make it easier on Justin, but Justin
wasn’t going to let it go.  “Then it was the medication.  I mean did you have
to make the comment about Codeine, and how much of a bumbling, scared kid I was
that first night.”  Justin saw a small smile play across Brian’s lips.  “How
about when you said that as long as my cock and my ass are still in working
order I’m good to go?  And let’s not forget all of the comments you made about
sponge baths.  The list goes on and on.  How do you do it?  Why do you put up
with all of my shit and still make me laugh about it?”
 
Brian moved in to lay down next to Justin and pulled him against his chest.  “I
told you that I’d be there for you.  Didn’t I?  What do you want me to do? 
Run?  Leave you to fall into the abyss all by yourself?  Well fuck that.  I
told you that I loved you, and that I’d be there for you.  Good, bad, or
indifferent.  Trust me, you have put up with enough of my shit, that this is
like a walk in the fucking park.”
 
“A dark, gloomy, and haunted park maybe,” Justin said with a smile as he buried
himself further into Brian’s arms.
 
Justin felt Brian move away slightly, and pull Justin’s face to his.  “Never
dark and gloomy.  I can agree with haunted; we both have our own demons.  But
no matter what, we’ll be there for each other.  I believe that.  You should
too.”
 
Justin turned away and rested his head back against Brian’s shoulder.  “I want
to, Brian.  I really do.  I just see how I treat you, and I can’t believe that
you’re still here.  I mean why?  Why do you stay when I treat you like shit?”
 
“Why did you stay when I did the same to you?  Why did you keep coming back to
me when all I did that first year was treat you like shit?”  Justin just sat
there thinking about what Brian was asking.  He knew why.  He loved Brian –
always had and always will.  “When you love someone, you have to take the ups
and downs, or else life would be boring.  But Justin, you need to realize that
most of your outbursts right now are not because you mean them, you just have
no control right now over them.  Things have been turned upside down for you,
and your mind is trying to heal.  It’s natural for you to feel out of place,
out of sync.  The smallest thing can set you off, and it’s nothing you can
change.  I understand that, and I have learned to just let it pass.  You should
too.”
 
“I’m trying, Brian.  It’s just so hard.  I don’t know what I’m doing, or where
I’m going.  It’s confusing.  I mean everything has changed for me. 
Everything.  And I feel like I’m just waiting for things to get worse.”  Justin
placed Brian’s hand in his left hand, holding it tightly.  “I don’t know where
I am, who I am.  I’m so confused.”
 
Brian placed his head against Justin’s and lightly kissed his temple.  “Things
will get less confusing, Justin.  Things will start to look up.  It’ll just
take time.  But no matter how long it takes, I’ll be there.  I can be just as
stubborn as you are, you know.  When Brian Kinney wants something he gets it.”
 
Justin laughed.  ‘He’s done it again. Fuck!  How do I always walk into it
without realizing it?’  Justin turned his face to look at Brian.  “So sure of
yourself are you?”
 
“Sure of us.”  Brian kissed Justin on the forehead, and looked into his eyes. 
“I love you.”
 
“I know,” Justin said, as he leaned back against Brian.
 
****************
 
It was time for Justin to leave the hospital.  He had been there a month and a
half, and finally he was going to be going home.  Brian had moved in with him,
and Justin was glad that he would have Brian there to help him.  He still had
trouble getting around, but it was getting better.  He still had spells of
depression, and he knew that it would be a long time before he would stop
having them.  Justin knew that with Brian around, things would get better.  He
would make it through this.  As much as he knew he shouldn’t right now, he
found himself falling in love with Brian all over again.  The two would find
themselves at night, when the hospital was quiet, just talking – something they
didn’t do much in the past.  As their friendship grew, Justin also felt the
pull of love tugging at his heart.  No matter what he felt for Brian, he knew
that it would still take time before he felt worthy of that love.  However, he
knew that Brian was going to wait for him.  He had seen the change in Brian,
and it amazed him. Brian had told him that he hadn’t tricked in months – which
shocked Justin.  He had thought that tricking was one thing that Brian wouldn’t
be able to give up, especially since they were not a couple.  They had also
been more communicative toward each other, telling each other if the other was
doing something wrong, or something that had hurt the other. 
 
Justin knew that they still had a long way to go before they could truly be
together.  They still hadn’t talked about the night that Justin had left, both
leaving it alone until they were stronger.  There were so many things in their
past that they needed to get out in the open and talk about, but Justin wasn’t
ready to face the emotional pain that went along with those memories right
now.  Someday, he knew he would be, but that time was not now. 
 
Today however, none of that mattered.  He was going home.  He was going home to
the place that he was going to be sharing with Brian.  There would be no one
here to tell them that they were doing something wrong, that they needed to do
this or that differently.  They only had each other, and that’s what was
important.  Justin knew that his friends here all loved Brian and stood by
their relationship, or at least hoped that the relationship would blossom. 
Their mistakes of the past didn’t matter here, and Justin found it liberating. 
He knew that Brian had been feeling the same way.  They could be together, with
no outside interference.  Justin knew that it wouldn’t take long for his
defenses to break down, and allow himself to take what Brian was offering him. 
It wouldn’t take long at all. 
 
He looked up as the door opened revealing Brian, Kate, Kelly, and Marsha.  He
knew that Kevin and Mike had wanted to be there as well, but Justin knew that
they had to work.  “Well, are you ready to leave this place?” Kelly asked as
she moved to sit down on the bed beside him.
 
Justin looked up at her and smiled.  “You'd better believe it.  Trust me if I
never see a hospital again, it’ll be too soon.  Once I get out of here, I’m
never coming back.”
 
Kelly just shook her head.  “Yeah, well too bad ‘cause you still have to come
here every other day so that they can check up on you.  That and you still have
therapy, so you don’t get off that lucky.”
 
“Damn,” Justin whispered under his breath then looked up at her through his
eyelashes.  He was trying to give her one of his most innocent looks, but he
could tell that it wasn’t going to work.  “Fine, fine, fine.  I give.”
 
Brian pulled the wheelchair over to the side of the bed, as Kate grabbed his
small duffle bag.  “Now that we got that settled, and you’re checked out, can
we please get the fuck out of here?” Brian stated.
 
“Please,” Justin replied giving Brian his best puppy dog look.  “Can I go home
now?”
 
Brian shook his head and helped Justin into the chair.  “Well everyone, let’s
blow this pop stand.”  The four made their way through the halls of the
hospital on their way to the awaiting car.  Brian pushed Justin to the side of
the car, and Justin immediately noticed that ‘his’ chair was already secured in
the trunk.  Shaking his head, he noticed where the car was parked, and turned
to look up at Brian.  “What?”
 
“I see how it is now,” Justin began as he was helped into the passenger seat. 
“You only love me for the handicapped sticker that will allow you to park
closer to where you want to go.  You’re just being lazy.”
 
Brian buckled Justin into the seat, then leaned over and kissed him on the
lips.  Justin pulled away slightly so that he could look into the other man’s
eyes, daring him to say that he was wrong.  Brian just smiled and kissed him
again.  “What can I say?  I have to save my energy with dealing with you.”
 
Justin noticed the tongue-in-cheek and lustful look that Brian was giving him,
and he just shook his head.  “It’s always about sex with you.  Don’t you ever
get bored?”
 
Brian pulled back so that he could shut the door, stopping only briefly to add
his final comment.  “Bored with you?  Never.”
 
Justin just shook his head, and waved good-bye to his friends.  He began to
realize that life with this ‘new’ Brian would never be boring.

INTERLUDE #4
                                        
             Of all the things / I've believed in / I just want to
                 Get it over with / Tears form behind my eyes
                     But I do not cry / Counting the days
                     That pass me by / I've been searching
                 Deep down in my soul / Words that I'm hearing
                    Are starting to get old / It feels like
                          I'm starting all over again
                   The last three years / Were just pretend
                      -- Goodbye to You – Michelle Branch
                                        
Justin sat at the desk that had been placed in his living room, trying to get
up the courage to make some phone calls.  Brian had moved the desk from its
upstairs location to a section of the living room, in order for Justin to be
able to use it.  Brian had made every attempt to make life as easy for Justin
as possible, and Justin was grateful.  Brian knew that with the full-leg cast
that he had on, it would be difficult to get up the stairs.  Hell, it was
difficult for Justin to get around period.  Since he had gotten out of the
hospital, Justin had tried to get back to life, like nothing was wrong. 
Unfortunately that was no longer an option.  He was quickly discovering that
his life would never be the same.  He was feeling trapped in his own home,
unable to do what he wanted.  Brian was always around, unless he was at work,
and Justin was almost ready to tell Brian to get out, and leave him alone for a
while.  Brian wasn’t hovering, or babying him, it was just that Justin felt
like he was holding Brian back in some way – not that Brian would see it that
way, but it was the way that Justin was feeling.
 
Since Brian was at work, Justin decided that it was time to contact everyone in
Pittsburgh.  He had already called his mother, Daphne, and Emmett, and now he
was trying to decide whom he would call next, if anyone.  Emmett had told him
how the others had been disappointed that he had refused to see them while he
was in the hospital, and that had angered him.  He had told Emmett that he had
reasons for not wanting to see them, and he wanted to know what right they had
to be upset with him.  He’s the one who was fucking crippled, not them.  He
knew that he should call them, but he wasn’t sure if he could keep his anger in
check long enough.  Justin’s emotions had been running wild these past couple
of months, ever since he woke up in the hospital.   ‘Hell ever since last
year,’Justin cursed.  Justin closed his eyes, and tried the breathing
techniques that Marsha had taught him. 
 
Once he felt calm enough, Justin picked up the phone and dialed the number of
one of the ones who he knew would be easy.  He heard the phone pick up, and
smiled.  “Hello.”
 
“Lindsey?  It’s Justin.”
 
“Justin?  It’s good to hear from you.  Brian says that you’re home now?”
Lindsey said, making it sound like a question. 
 
Justin could tell that she was trying not to sound sad, or show pity.  “Yeah,
got home last week.  The doctor said that I should be able to return to work
full-time next week.  So it’s going okay, I guess.  A little strange,
different, but okay.  How’s Gus doing?”
 
“Gus is fine.  Of course he misses his playmates, but Mel and I thought that it
would be good to visit you guys in a couple of months,” Lindsey stated.

Justin closed his eyes, willing his emotions back into place.  He had been
working hard to try and keep them in check, and not let a little word or
comment affect him, but it wasn’t easy.  Lindsey’s comment began a seed of
anger within him, almost forcing him to yell at them to not pity him, that he
was fine.  Luckily he was able to still that emotion for the moment.  “We’ll
talk about it.  I’m not sure I’m ready for that.  Maybe some day, but right
now. . . I don’t know.”
 
“It’s okay, whenever you’re ready.  We don’t want to force you into anything
that you don’t want to do, Justin.  That’s not what we are trying to do.  I
hope you understand that,” he heard her explain.  He was grateful that it was
Lindsey telling him this, ‘cause he knew if anyone else had tried to say the
same thing he would’ve lost it.  “We’re there if you need us.  Okay?”
 
“I know, it’s just that things right now are a little . . . difficult I guess,”
Justin tried to explain.  “It’s just that I had heard how some people were
upset that I didn’t see them when they were here.  I mean, fuck, what does
everyone expect from me?”
 
“Justin, I can’t talk for anyone else here, but not all of us think that.”
Justin closed his eyes, listening to what Lindsey had to say.  He could feel
his emotions slip away from him, and he hated it.  He hated losing control, but
he couldn’t believe all the shit that was going on.  “Know that Mel, and I
understand.  As much as we can understand, anyway.  When you’re ready, we’ll be
there, okay?”
 
“Okay, thanks.  Look I better go, I have a lot to do before Brian comes home,”
he lied.  In truth, he just wanted to hang up before he lost it and blew up at
one of the people who was actually trying to understand where he was coming
from.
 
“Call us if you need anything, okay?”
 
“Yeah, I will.  Thanks,” Justin said as he hung up the phone.  He hated it.  He
hated losing control.  Justin knew that there would be no way that he could
call anyone else.  No way he would be able to control his anger long enough to
talk to them.  Justin opened the drawer to his left, and pulled out the
medication for his headaches.  He knew that Brian hated it when he took them
when Brian wasn’t there, but Justin didn’t care at that moment.  He felt a
headache coming on, and Brian could just be mad at him.  He didn’t care
anymore.  ‘Fuck ‘em,’ he thought as he swallowed the pill dry. 
 
Justin reached over to the control unit of his wheelchair and began to move
toward the bedroom.  He knew from experience that he would start to feel tired,
and he decided that it would be best to already be in bed before the drugs
kicked into his system.  His therapist had taught him how to move from the
chair to other pieces of furniture, such as the bed or couch, without using his
right hand too much, and without a lot of pain.  He moved the chair as close to
the bed as he could, then lifted himself onto the bed, biting his lip from the
pain in his leg, and weakness of his hand.  ‘Fuck, I hate this shit,’he
cursed.  Once settled on the bed, Justin closed his eyes, hoping for sleep.
 
*************
 
Brian walked into the town home, and threw his coat into the small den.  He
walked through the hallway into the main area of the home, and looked around. 
He didn’t see Justin anywhere, so he decided to check in the bedroom.  Brian
was worried that  Justin was still tired all the time, but he knew that if he
mentioned anything, Justin would just get upset.  Justin had enough on his
plate and Brian didn’t want to add anymore to it.  He knew that Justin had
hoped that things could return to normal when he got home, but the realization
that things would never be the same was frustrating to the young artist.  Brian
continued to try and make Justin feel better, but he knew that most of the time
it was a lost ‘cause.  Justin had so many issues that he was dealing with that
Brian didn’t even know where to begin.  He didn’t even know everything that was
going on.  He knew that it was time for them to talk about what had been
touched upon the night that Justin had left.  They needed to talk about what
happened those last couple of months that Justin was in Pittsburgh.  If Brian
was going to help Justin, he needed answers.  He needed to know.
 
Brian walked into the bedroom and looked down at the sleeping form on the bed. 
As quietly as he could, Brian stripped his shirt off so that he was only in his
jeans, and crawled into bed with Justin.  He noticed Justin stir and open his
eyes slightly.  “Hey,” he said as he brushed some loose hair from Justin’s
forehead.

”Hey.  What are you doing home so early?” Justin asked as he stretched his sore
muscles. 
Brian smiled down at Justin, and glanced over at the clock.  Justin turned
slightly and read the display, turning back around and buried his head in the
pillows.  “Oh guess it’s not really early.  You hungry?”

Brian watched as Justin sat up in the bed, and moved over to his wheelchair. 
Brian could see the pain etched in the young man’s face as he moved from the
bed to the chair, but he stayed where he was.  If Justin needed help, he would
ask him.  The last thing that Brian wanted was to make Justin feel pressured,
and weak.  “Why don’t we just order take-out?” Brian asked.  Brian could see
the little look that Justin had given him, and he knew he had to explain. 
Brian knew that look – the ‘I can do it.  Don’t treat me like an invalid’
look.  “I’m just saying that I’m hungry now.  Not an hour from now.”
 
Justin just shook his head, and Brian knew that Justin had an idea of the real
reason.  In truth, Brian had tried to do everything to make things easier for
Justin.  Of course he had  tried to be discreet, but knew that Justin realized
what was going on.  “Why don’t you order, while I try and get some of this work
done that I brought home?” Justin asked.
 
Brian watched Justin maneuver the chair out of the room, and Brian could only
close his eyes.  He hated to see Justin in pain, and he knew that the young man
was experiencing more than his fair share of it the past year and a half.  He
also knew that Justin was trying to put on a brave front.  Justin didn’t want
anyone’s pity, and he was trying to show people that his disabilities didn’t
mean anything, and that they didn’t bother him.  Brian however, knew
differently.  He had learned Justin’s subtle signs – how Justin would flex his
right hand to try and get the circulation back into it, the pain in Justin’s
eyes when his leg moved in the slightest, or how his eyes would tightly close
trying to ward off a headache.  Brian also noticed how Justin would always
change the subject when talks would lead to something personal, whether it was
something about the past, or what he was feeling now.  Justin was building a
wall around himself, and Brian knew he had to get past that wall, and soon,
before he lost Justin forever.
 
Brian walked out of the bedroom, and headed into the main living room.  He
immediately spotted Justin sitting at his desk with a letter opener in his
hand, glancing at the bills that had arrived.  “Fuck, do you believe this
shit?  I can’t believe how much that time in the hospital costs.  Fuck!  How
the hell did my mom pay for it?  I mean I know that I have good insurance, but
. . . Fuck!”
 
Brain came and sat down next to the young man, and looked at the bill from the
anesthesiologist.  “Well at least it’s all covered.  I wouldn’t worry about
it.”
 
“Still, I have to pay some of it.  The insurance doesn’t cover all of it, you
know,” Justin said looking at Brian.  “Fuck it.  I’ll worry about it later.” 
Justin threw the bill down on the corner of his desk with the rest of the
bills, and turned to the work that was displayed on his computer.  “How was
work?”
 
Brian stared at Justin, wondering about the line of questioning, but decided to
go along with it for now.  “Not too bad.  You know how it is.”

”So did you order yet?” Justin asked.
 
Brian knew that there were times that Justin’s mind seemed scrambled.  Thoughts
didn’t flow right, and he would jump from one thing to the next, and not even
know it.  Brian had learned to just go along with it, and hope that he could
keep up with the topics.  “Yeah, it should be here soon.”
 
“Good, I’m actually hungry.”  Brian stood and moved away to sit at the bar in
the middle of the room, so that he could watch Justin from a distance without
being obvious.  He pulled out the Wall Street Journal, and started flipping
through it, all the while watching Justin out of the corner of his eye.  He
could see Justin struggle with the pen for the art computer Brian had bought
the last time Justin’s hand was damaged.  It pained Brian to see Justin so
weak, knowing that the younger man felt useless.  Brian could hear the
occasional curses coming from Justin as he watched Justin’s hand begin to shake
uncontrollably, and he saw the lines of frustration begin to form on the young
man’s brow.  ‘I wish I could make it right, Justin.  I wish I could make you
better,’ he thought to himself.  He felt useless.  Justin was in pain and
unable to do what he loved, and there was not a damn thing that Brian could do
about it. 
 
Brian heard the doorbell ring, and watched as Justin finally gave up on his
work, obviously frustrated.  Brian got up and retrieved the food, and walked
back into the dining room.  “Food’s here,” Brian said as Justin looked up. 
They both sat in silence eating, but Brian could see the frustration still
etched on Justin’s beautiful face.  ‘Maybe I shouldn’t bring this up now,’ he
wondered briefly to himself.  ‘No, the only way to move on is to get him to
open up.’  Brian had been worried about Justin’s withdrawal these past couple
of weeks, and he knew that they had to talk, before they ended up where they
were before Justin left Pittsburgh.  That would require Brian to do something
that he never thought he would ever do – talk.  He would have to talk about his
feelings, and things that for a long time had been buried deep within his
psyche.  He’d do it, if it would mean that Justin would open up.  He needed the
old Justin back, and this was the only way he knew to do that. 
 
When Justin had finished his food, he went back to his computer to try and work
on the bills, and finish reading the mail.  Brian cleaned up the kitchen and
made his way over to the chair next to Justin.  “Justin,” Brian said, trying to
get the young man’s attention.  When Justin turned to face him, Brian almost
changed his mind.  Taking a deep breath, Brian steeled his nerves.  “We need to
talk.”
 
Brian noticed Justin’s eyes widen, and an eyebrow raise.  “About?”
 
Brian watched as Justin started tapping the letter opener against his right
hand, and Brian tried not to grab the object out of his hand.  He knew that
Justin suspected what he wanted to talk about and that he didn’t want to. 
Brian just looked Justin in the eye.  “You know what about.”
 
Brian watched as Justin quickly turned away, and tried to move the wheelchair
away from Brian.  “No.”
 
“Justin,” Brian quietly said.

”I don’t want to talk about it.  So drop it.”
 
“Justin, we can’t just drop it.  This shit has been sitting here like a fucking
elephant.”  Brian hoped that he could explain to Justin the need to get things
out in the open.  He noticed Justin begin to dig the letter opener into his
skin, and Brian reached over, grabbed the object, and threw it to the other
side of the room. “Now, fucking stop trying to hurt yourself, and get me to
change the subject.  We’re going to talk.”
 
”No.  Okay, forget about it.  It’s in the past, and we can just fucking leave
it there.  So forget it, I’m not talking about it.”  Justin began to get
frustrated as he tried to get the chair to move, but Brian was standing in
Justin’s way.  “Move!”
 
“No, not until we talk about this,” Brian said, standing firm.

”You?  You want to talk?  Well guess what, I don’t.  So move your ass so that I
can get ready for bed,” Justin said trying to push past Brian.  Brian quickly
picked up Justin from the chair and moved him toward the couch.  “Put me down! 
Dammit, Brian.”
 
Brian carefully placed Justin on the couch, and sat down beside him.  “Now you
can’t get away.”  Brian reached over to a very upset Justin, and pulled the
young man’s right hand into his own.  Small droplets of blood began to stain
the pale skin.  Brian grabbed the napkin that he had left on the table and
placed it over Justin’s hand, hoping to stop the blood.  “Why?  Why the fuck
did you do this,” he cursed. 
 
Justin just looked down at his hand confused.  Brian could tell that Justin
didn’t even know that he had done it, and that frightened Brian even more.  “I
don’t know. . . I didn’t. . . I don’t know.”
 
Brian reached his hand to raise Justin’s chin so he could look in the other
man’s eyes.  He could see the confusion in his blue eyes, clouding them.  “It’s
okay.”
 
“IT’S NOT OKAY!  Nothing will ever be okay anymore, Brian.  What the fuck did I
do?” Justin asked, trying to turn his face from Brian’s grasp.
 
“Justin. . .we need to talk about it.”  Brian saw Justin try to deny it, ignore
it, but Brian wasn’t going to allow it.  “Listen.  It’s the only way.”
 
“No,” Justin persisted.  He pulled away from Brian and sat back on the couch
with his arms crossed defiantly.
 
“Fine, then you’ll listen to me for once.”
 
Brian heard Justin laugh, and shake his head.  “Yeah, like you’ve ever been one
to talk, Brian.  This is a first.  Let me get the calendar so we can
commemorate it in years to come.  Brian Kinney wants to talk,” Justin said
cruelly.
 
Brian took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.  ‘It’s the head injury.  It’s
the head injury.  He’s not fully in control,’ he kept telling himself.  He
always started this saying in his head whenever Justin started in on one of his
mood swings.  Despite the fact that he knew it was from the injury, it still
stung.  Justin could be cruel when he wanted to be, and lately Brian had taken
a lot.  “Yeah, well you should.  Do you want me to hand you the calendar?”
Brian said back at Justin, and watched as the young man just turned to gaze at
the back wall.  “Alright, there are some things that we need to talk about,
Justin.  When you left, the night you left . . .you said some things that I
think we need to talk about.  And I don’t care if you acknowledge me or not,
but you will listen.”
 
Brian noted that Justin didn’t acknowledge him at all, only the slight
stiffening of Justin’s shoulder showed Brian that he was listening.  “Okay. . .
Fuck!  Now that we’re finally here, I don’t even know what to say.”
 
“Then don’t say anything.  Let’s just drop it,” Justin said still looking at
the back wall.
 
Brian took a deep breath, and released it slowly.  “Okay, you told me that I
was always trying to fix you. . .Well I guess I was, in a way.  Did you ever
think that I did it for the same reasons that you had blackmailed Kip?”  Brian
saw Justin’s breath catch, and his shoulders stiffen even more.  “You
blackmailed Kip, to try and help me. . . to save me – my job.  Well I was
trying to do the same thing. Without your art, you feel incomplete.  I know
this.  You would have never felt right unless you realized that it wasn’t gone
– that you could still draw, and have that release.  Work is my release, yours
is your art.  What was I supposed to do?  Let you suffer?  I cared about you
too much for that to happen.”
 
“We should’ve talked, I know that now.  I got scared.”  Brian saw Justin turn
slightly to face Brian, but quickly turn away.  “I was scared about what I felt
for you.  I never had felt about anyone the way that I feel about you.  I know
this now, but then . . . I was scared and I did what came naturally for me. .
.I ran.  I ran from my feelings, I ran from you.  But I had counted on YOU to
talk to me.  You were the one who had always kept me on the right path.  If I
screwed up, you told me. . . and I don’t blame you for not straitening me out
that time.  I know now why.  We both fucked up in that.  I should’ve realized
then what I do now.  I look back on the things we did, and things that I
refused to acknowledge then.  I now know that it wasn’t you, and I hurt you
every time I forced you into it.”
 
“You didn’t force me into anything,” Justin’s quiet voice said.
 
“I did.  You thought that if you just did what I wanted that I would love you. 
You were wrong. . . I was wrong.  There are a lot of things, Justin, that I did
wrong.  Your birthday present for one. . .I knew I should’ve bought those
flowers,” Brian said with a small smile.  When he caught Justin looking at him,
confused, he tried not to get too excited.  ‘At least I know he’s listening to
me, and not shutting me out.’ “I almost did.  I had them in my hands and I
almost got them.”
 
“Why didn’t you?  If you would’ve just shown me a sign, Brian,  I never
would’ve left,” Justin stated in a pained voice.
 
“I know that now. . . as I said we both made a lot of mistakes.  I should’ve
explained to you about the job thing, or hell, come after you once I found out
you had already left.  But I didn’t.  I was angry . . . and hurt.  It’s funny
how you can look on things now, and see just how stupid you were.”  Brian shook
his head in disbelief.  “I know that you said you were too young to understand,
and that Michael had told you that I would never change.  But Justin I was the
one who was too young . . . emotionally, and Michael . . . Michael didn’t see
what I let you see.  I had changed. . . I have changed.  Reluctantly, but I
have.  You got me to change – kicking and screaming the entire way.  I fought
it all the way, but I am ready now.”  Brian had to take a deep breath.  The
last thing he wanted was to push Justin away by talking about starting a
relationship again.  He had to take things one step at a time, and that would
not be taking things slowly.
 
‘Talk about diving head first into a shallow lake,’  he thought.  ‘A very cold,
shallow lake.’ He couldn’t breach that subject yet.  He couldn’t allow Justin
to withdraw from him anymore than this conversation would already make him do. 
Their ‘relationship’ would have to wait until Justin could trust him again, and
that was the only way.  Brian could wait – he had to.  “I know that you must
think that I fucked Mikey, but I didn’t.  I swear to you, I didn’t.  He was
upset about finding out about Ben and me. . .”
 
“Which I blabbed,” Justin said closing his eyes. 
 
“He would’ve found out eventually.  Ben’s too good of a guy NOT to tell
Mikey.   Anyway, I went there, told Mikey that if he wanted it . . . he could
have it.  Fuck, I have never been so thrilled, so pleased to be turned down
before.  I knew that he wouldn’t do it, but I had to prove it to him.”  Brian
reached over and lightly touched Justin’s hand, running a finger over the
delicate flesh there.  “I don’t see Mikey like that, but I had to show him that
we were never going to be more than friends.  Luckily I didn’t have to follow
through with it.”
 
“Would you have?” Justin asked, turning to face Brian.  Brian could see the
pain in his eyes, and hated for causing Justin more pain.  “Would you have
fucked him?”
 
Brain leaned his head back on the couch, and reached up to pinch the bridge of
his nose.  “I hoped that it wouldn’t come to that.”  Brian sat there and knew
that his answer wasn’t enough for Justin, and that the young man deserved
more.  “I don’t know.  I’m glad that I didn’t have to find out.”  Justin only
nodded and turned back to look at the spot on the far wall.  “Why didn’t you
tell me about Sap?” Brian asked, needing to know.  “He didn’t rape you, did
he?  I mean he didn’t get that far?”
 
Justin just shook his head.  “No, at least not physically.”  Brian looked at
Justin with confusion, begging the boy to continue.  “I took a hit off of a
joint, and snorted some coke, but I think . . . I mean I was okay until Gary
handed me a drink.  I’m sure he slipped something into it.  I was totally out
of it, and he led me back to one of the rooms.  I saw . . . one of the other
guys was in a sling, and . . . I told Gary that I didn’t want to . . . I felt
someone behind me holding me up, ‘cause I couldn’t stand straight anymore. . .I
was totally fucked up. . . Anyway, I kept telling him that I didn’t want to, I
didn’t want to,” Justin continued to relive that night.  Brian closed his eyes,
hoping to release the anger that was brewing deep within him.  The problem was
that he wasn’t sure if he was angry at Justin for putting himself in that
danger, or at Sap for doing it.  He was shocked to hear a small laugh come from
Justin, and Brian immediately looked up at the young man.  “When he tried to
suck me off, I kneed him in the chin.  I got out of there as quickly as I
could, and walked home.  Of course I heard him yelling at me saying that I
chipped his crown, and that I was fired.”
 
Brian shook his head in disbelief.  ‘At least he got out of there without
anything happening.  Thank god for that.’  “You were lucky.”  Justin only
nodded, and Brian looked at him with a new respect.  Justin had been able to
get through the haze of the drugs enough to fight back.  He could only guess
what was in that drink that Sap had given him, and it was amazing that Justin
had been able to fight back.  “You are so strong,” Brian whispered.  He caught
Justin’s quick glance in his direction as if to say that he was crazy.  “You
are, Justin.  You are so fucking strong, that you don’t even realize it.  You
could’ve been seriously hurt, but you fought back.  And it’s not the first time
that your strength has come out.  You stood up to your father, Hobbs, Michael,
Deb, . . . me.  You are undoubtedly the strongest, bravest person I know.”
 
“I’m not,” Justin began.

”You are.  I know you don’t feel it now, Justin, but you are.”  Brian moved so
that he was sitting on the table in front of Justin, careful not to move the
injured leg that was resting on it.  Reaching out, he grabbed a hold of
Justin’s hand and held it tightly in his own.  “You are strong.  A whole hell
of a lot stronger than me.  I know that I haven’t always given you things or
said things that you could hold onto, especially in regards to my feelings for
you, and for that I’m sorry.  I should’ve been more open with you, I should’ve
talked to you.”  Brian reached up with his other hand, and pulled Justin’s face
so that their eyes met.  “You have been through a lot of shit these past two
years.  Your dad . . . the shit that happened at your school, me . . . Hobbs,”
Brian felt himself beginning to get choked up with the last thought. 
 
Brian watched as Justin’s eyes moved away from Brian’s to look over his
shoulder.  “Please, don’t.”
 
“I know what happened with your dad, Justin,” Brian gently stated.  “He was
wrong, in a lot of things.  He doesn’t realize that you are still his son.  I
mean at least my old man never once said that he wanted me, so I can’t say that
I understand what you’re going through.  I know that it can’t be easy for you. 
I know it hurts.  No matter what my old man did, I did feel pain when he was
gone.  I didn’t get to know him, really, until the end.  But you. . . you have
years of wonderful memories. . . I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that he’s such an ass to
NOT see what a wonderful person you are.  Some day, he may see that he was
wrong.  I hope for your sake that he realizes it before it’s too late.”
 
“It is too late.  I don’t care about him.  My father is dead to me, just like
I’m dead to him,” Justin said with little emotion, which scared Brian more than
anything.
 
Brian hated to see Justin in so much pain, and he wished that he could kill
Craig Taylor for what he had put his son through.  If the man could just see
what a treasure Justin was – what a strong, loyal, caring young man that he had
helped to raise.  But Brian knew that it might never happen, and he hated Craig
more for taking away something that meant so much to Justin.  “No matter what,
Justin, even if your father can’t get past his hate – you still have people
there for you, who love you.  Don’t give up on us.”  Brain saw Justin nod
slightly in agreement, and Brian breathed a sigh of relief.  “I know that
you’re hurt ‘cause he never showed up when you were in the hospital either
time.”
 
“Don’t,” Justin warned.
 
Brian reached over and pulled Justin’s chin so that their eyes could meet
again.  “Justin, please.  I . . . I need to talk about it.  For the longest
time, I thought I was to blame for what happened.  I thought that if I hadn’t
shown up at the prom, then Hobbs. . . then it never would’ve happened.  I was
wrong, I know that now.  YOU taught me that.  But Justin,” Brian said forcing
Justin to look at him – to really look at him.  “You are not to blame either. 
Not for Hobbs, and not for the accident.”

Brian felt that Justin wanted to flee, and he would’ve if his leg hadn’t been
in a cast.  “How can you say that?   If I had just left well enough alone, and
not jerked Chris off . . . then bragged about it every chance I got . . . You
can’t tell me that if I hadn’t done all of that, Chris wouldn’t’ve left me
alone.”  Justin turned his face away from Brian, hoping to hide the tears that
were beginning to flow down his face.  “If I had been paying more attention to
what was going on around me. . . If I had just seen that guy coming . . . then
Nate. . . “
 
“It’s not your fault,” Brian said, carefully pulling Justin into his arms,
allowing the younger man to let the pain out.  “Chris Hobbs was – is – a closet
case who couldn’t face the fact that he might have actually enjoyed being
jerked off by you.  He couldn’t deal with the fact that we didn’t care who knew
who and what we were.  He didn’t like the fact that you were not ashamed.  As
for what happened to Nate . . . you couldn’t have known that something like
that would happen.  By the time you would’ve seen him it still would’ve been
too late.  No one blames you for any of it, Justin.  You shouldn’t blame
yourself.”
 
“How can you love me, Brian?” Justin asked him, pulling away slightly to look
in his eyes.  “How can you love me when everything I touch gets destroyed?”
 
Brian felt his own tears come to surface at Justin’s pain-filled question. 
“How can you love me?  How can you love someone who is as fucked up as me?  We
don’t choose who we love, Justin.  It just happens.  I learned that. . . You
taught me that.  Together we can get through anything, we just have to be
strong for each other.”
 
Justin laid his head back down on Brian’s shoulder, and held onto him tightly. 
Brian slowly ran his hand up and down Justin’s back hoping to calm the younger
man.  There was so much more that he wanted to talk about, so much more they
needed to talk about, but he knew that they would have to wait.  He didn’t
think that they could survive if they let it all out at once.  They had time –
time to work through everything.  Brian wasn’t going to give up.  Justin had
been able to tear down his walls, now it was his turn to break down Justin’s. 
They would work all of this out, and become stronger for it.  Brian knew that
he had help in his new friends.  Together they would help Justin, and help him
get through all of the pain. Brian knew that it wouldn’t happen overnight.  He
knew that they would be working on this for years to come.  They both had
things in their past that they had buried down deep within them.  But he also
knew that they could get past all of the old hurt together. 
 
Brian felt Justin relax against him, and he knew that the young man was
exhausted, and emotionally drained.  ‘Hell, I’m drained,’ Brian thought to
himself.  He had never been so open in his life.  He felt raw, but in a strange
way, he felt more at peace than he had in a long time.  Brian carefully picked
Justin up into his arms, and began to carry the young man toward the bedroom. 
After placing Justin under the covers, Brian slowly crawled in next to him, and
pulled the young man into his arms.  “Sleep, Justin.  Everything will be okay. 
No matter what, I’m not going anywhere.  I love you.”  Brian placed his head on
top of Justin’s and closed his eyes.  “I’ll be here for you,” he stated as he
let his eyes drop, and sleep take over.

 Part 5:  It Matters to Me
                                        
      so what will I do without you / who will I see when I close my eyes
  I can’t face another night alone without you here / ‘cause I can’t face the
                                     night
               without you here / sometimes you just can’t tell
    you are my paradise / the source of my desires I believe in you so much
                       I’m waiting / here for your touch
          I need you by my side so with my dreams I can touch the sky
          I can’t live this way ‘cause this time I know / I cry alone
            I fear to cry here alone / so I’m looking for an angel
                             I’m looking for you.
                     Looking for an Angel – Laura Pausini
 
                                        
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
Justin woke to a slight pressure against his side, and an arm draped across his
mid-section.  Justin smiled, and bit his lower lip.  He couldn’t believe that
Brian had been so patient with him in everything.  He knew that it must be hard
on the man not to have sex, but he was willing to go without, because Justin
felt he wasn’t ready.  ‘What did I do to deserve him?’he thought.  ‘Where did
the Brian Kinney I know go to?’  Justin just couldn’t believe the changes in
the man that he had witnessed over the past couple of weeks – months.  Brian
was everything that he wanted.  ‘So why can’t I give him what we both want? 
Why am I so afraid?’ Justin hated that he felt this way.  He felt that he was
denying Brian something that the man deserved.  Brian deserved his love, and
the showing of that love – but Justin just couldn’t bring himself to follow
through with it.  ‘Of course it doesn’t mean that I can’t give him some
release,’ he thought with a slight smile. 
 
Justin gently touched Brian’s arm, and watched as Brain moved onto his back
without waking.  Justin tried not to laugh as he thought about how much things
had changed between them.  Not only was it Brian who had taken over HIS role in
the relationship by being the strong one – the one who would talk – but it was
also the little things that made Justin smile.  Even in bed they had changed
positions.  Brian’s side, Justin’s side no longer mattered.  Brian often slept
on the left side of the bed now, and Justin knew that it was because Brian was
afraid to hurt him since all of his injuries were to the right side of his
body.  Brian was being so considerate that it often brought tears to his eyes. 
Justin couldn’t believe how much Brian had changed. 
 
Looking down at the peaceful look on Brian’s face, Justin had to smile.  He
didn’t know when, or why, he got so lucky as to have someone like Brian in his
life.  Brian had been so caring to him these past couple of months that Justin
just couldn’t believe this was the same man that he had fallen in love with. 
Brian had gone out of his way to make things easier for Justin, without Justin
being aware it was happening.  It was the little things that Brian was doing
that had made all the difference in the world to Justin.  He remembered all of
the things that Brian had done for him while he was in the hospital, and it
hadn’t changed a bit when they came home.  Brian would make sure that they had
things to eat that wouldn’t frustrate Justin when he couldn’t use his hand
much.  He would set things within reach of Justin, so that the young man didn’t
have to try and get up out of his wheelchair.  So many little things that
Justin knew he would never be able to repay Brian for.  All Justin knew for
real was that he had fallen in love with Brian all over again, and he knew that
it wouldn’t be much longer before he gave in and gave both of them what they
truly wanted.
 
Grateful that he was able move around a little more, now that he no longer had
the full leg cast, Justin slowly inched closer to Brian.  Trying not to wake
the man beside him, Justin gently brushed his fingers across Brian’s cheek,
down to his neck.  The skin beneath Justin’s fingers was as smooth and warm as
he remembered, and the feel of it made Justin want the man even more.  He
wanted to taste Brian; he wanted Brian to know that he was loved, and that
Justin was glad to have him there.  Justin leaned in a little more and began to
lightly place kisses on Brian’s neck, moving down Brian’s torso.  Justin knew
that the movement was waking Brian up, but he didn’t care.  Justin would have
to leave soon for work, but felt that he just had to be close to Brian before
it too late.  He didn’t want Brian to think that Justin didn’t want him.  He
was afraid that Brian would give up on him – on them, and Justin couldn’t let
that happen.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want Brian – he did.  It was just that
he still wasn’t sure that he was good enough for Brian.  But that belief was
changing, and Justin knew that soon he’d be ready to show Brian just what he
meant to him. 
 
Justin felt Brian’s hands lightly caress his body as he continued to kiss and
taste his way down Brian’s body.  Justin lightly dipped his tongue into Brian
belly button, and nipped the delicate flesh around the area.  Upon hearing
Brian’s moan of approval, Justin continued his path until he reached Brian’s
erect penis.  Justin glanced up at his lover over the head of his cock, and saw
that Brian’s eyes were closed and mouth open slightly.  Brian was the picture
of pure bliss.  Slowly he ran his tongue up the back of Brian’s cock, running
it along the vein there, heading straight toward the tip.  Justin then ran his
tongue along the tip, and was awarded with the taste of Brian’s pre-cum.  The
taste of Brian only fueled Justin more – feeding his need.  He could never just
have a taste of Brian, he needed ALL of Brian. 
 
Keeping his eyes trained on Brian, Justin took Brian into his mouth, while he
ran his hand over Brian’s chest, teasing his nipples.  As Justin continued to
move his mouth up and down Brian’s cock, he moved his left hand down Brian’s
smooth body down toward the smooth sacs below Brian’s cock.  Justin heard
Brian’s sharp intake of breath as he removed his mouth from the cock to take
the sac into his mouth instead.  “Oh, god . . . Justin,” he heard Brian moan. 
“Stop teasing.”
 
“Relax,” Justin replied, as he moved back to take Brian’s cock into his mouth. 
Justin felt Brian’s tight grip on his hair as he moved up and down taking all
of Brian in his mouth.  He knew that Brian wouldn’t last long as he felt Brian
begin to stiffen beneath his hands.  As Brian came, Justin continued to take
all of the man until there was nothing left. 
 
Justin moved up to rest his head against Brian’s chest, and smoothed his hands
over his lover, calming him.  Brian pulled him up to his lips and hungrily
kissed him.  As their tongues began to fight for possession of one another,
Justin began to feel his resolve weaken.  Knowing that if he allowed this to
continue any further he would never get to work, Justin pulled away a little
and looked down at the lust-filled look in Brian’s eyes.  “I’d better get
ready.  Kate will be here in twenty minutes to pick me up,” he stated with a
slight hint of sadness.  He wanted Brian now more than ever, but he also knew
that he had to get his bearings so that he wouldn’t give in.  He couldn’t.  Not
yet. 
 
“Fuck,” Brian breathed.  Justin knew that the older man was more than a little
frustrated at the whole thing, but Justin could only hope that Brian would
allow him a little more time.  In fact, Justin had already begun his plans for
their reunion, knowing that soon he would be unable to control his own needs
and desires when it came to Brian.  He wanted to feel Brian in him, and that
feeling was getting stronger as the days went on.  He was brought out of his
thoughts as he realized that Brian was talking to him.  “Why the fuck are you
going in so early?  It’s only 5 a.m.”
 
Justin slowly moved over to the edge of the bed and pulled his wheelchair
closer so that he could get in. “Because Kate and I are working on the Anderson
account, and we need to make sure that everything is set for YOUR nine o’clock
meeting with the boss.”
 
“Fuck,” Brian cursed, as Justin moved the chair into the bathroom.  Justin
heard Brian continue to talk to him as he began to ready himself for work.  “I
never thought that you guys did so much.  I can say that I have a new respect
for your department,” Brian said, as he came up behind Justin to look at the
younger man in the mirror. 
 
Justin smiled up at Brian in the mirror.  “What?  Did you think that people
like Brad and Bob did all the work?”
 
“No,” Brian said, as he lightly tapped the side of Justin’s head.  “Smart ass. 
I just didn’t think that it was as much work as it really is.  I mean come on,
what the fuck does the Art Department know about deadlines and pressure?” 
Justin just threw Brian a look of disbelief.  “That was before.  Now I see what
you guys do, and I have a newfound respect.”
 
“Oh, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that it takes MY time away
from YOU would it?” Justin asked with a smile.  “It wouldn’t be because I have
to spend hours fixing the fuck-ups of people like the idiot twins in the other
departments would it?”
 
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Brian said as he leaned in to kiss Justin’s cheek. 
“I was thinking about Kate.”
 
“Asshole,” Justin said with a smile.  Taking a deep breath, he knew he had to
try and explain what had just happened between them.  He didn’t want Brian to
think that it was something that it wasn’t.  “Brian. . . about before. . .”
 
Brian ran his hands over Justin’s shoulders, lightly caressing and massaging
the flesh beneath his hands.  “Don’t think about it.  Hell, it was the best
damn blowjob I’ve had in a long time,” he said with a smile.  “I’m not going to
push you Justin, but don’t do anything that you don’t want to do because you
think you owe me or anything.”
 
“That’s not it, Brian.  I want you . . . there’s not doubt about that.  It’s
just that I’m not ready for more . . . not yet.  Do you understand?” he asked,
looking into the deep hazel eyes in the reflection of the mirror.  “I just need
to be sure of myself before we take that step.  I need to make sure that I’m
not going to hurt you again.  I need to know that this is going to last, ‘cause
I can’t go through what we went through those couple of months again.  I need
to be sure that I won’t start to doubt you when some asshole comes around to
tell me shit about you, or us. I just. . .”
 
Justin felt Brian wrap his arms around his smaller frame, and pulled him
close.  “Shut up, will you?” Brian said with a smile.  “I understand, Justin. 
I told you before, and I’ll tell you again: I can wait.”  Justin turned his
head so that he could look directly into Brian’s eyes without the obstruction
of the mirror.  He needed to be one hundred percent sure of what Brian was
telling him.  “I love you,” Brian said, looking directly into Justin’s blue
eyes.  “Nothing is going to change that, and I won’t allow anything to ruin
it.  Not again.  I can wait.”
 
“It doesn’t make you frustrated?” Justin asked.
 
Brian gave Justin a small smile and laughed.  “Oh, I’m frustrated,” he said
with a slight gleam in his eyes.  “Just so you know, when the time comes . . .
payback is a bitch.”
 
Justin laughed and pulled Brian down so that their lips were close.  “I guess
you’ll just have to punish me properly,” he said with one of his sunshine
smiles.
 
“Believe me, you will,” Brian answered back as he placed his lips on Justin’s. 
Pulling away he raised his eyebrow and ran his tongue over his lips.  “You’d
better get moving if you’re going to be ready when Kate gets here.”
 
As Brian moved out of the bathroom, Justin could only shake his head in
disbelief.  ‘What in the world did I do to deserve him?’ he asked himself with
a smile on his face.  Justin knew that for the rest of the day images of his
‘punishment’ would be running through his mind.  ‘Fuck, how the hell am I
supposed to work with that running through my head?’  Knowing that Brian had
once again turned his slight sadness into a very vivid image of what was to
come made Justin wonder what he was getting himself into.  Life with Brian
would never be boring.
 
***************
 
Justin was sitting at his desk with Kate and Rick putting the finishing touches
on the Anderson account.  Rick was one of the top Ad Execs of the firm, much
like Brian was with Ryder, and the three of them had been discreetly declared
the “Kinney Fix-up Team” by the others in the firm.  Justin had to laugh at the
whole thing.  Most people in the firm were so afraid of Brian’s wrath that they
had had to create a special group, just so that things wouldn’t be fucked up
when they went up to the boss for approval.  Justin hadn’t witnessed the
incident that had led to the group, but he had heard of poor old Marcus
standing there getting ripped a new asshole by Brian, because the ad for a top
account was . . . to say shitty would be an understatement, and had taken no
small satisfaction from the mental image.  So it was decided that since Justin
and his group had always produced high quality work that always – well almost
always—passed the high end approval of Brian, they would take the
responsibility for making sure things were up to “Kinney standards”.  It also
helped that Justin’s group had been responsible for getting and maintaining
some of the highest paying clients for the firm.  Of course Justin would never
tell Brian any of this, but it was fun to pick on everyone else in the
department.
 
Justin and Kate’s desks faced each other, which allowed a large space upon
which to spread things out in front of them as they worked.  Kate was sitting
down at her desk and continued to work on the presentation format.  The three
worked well together, with Justin doing the art, Kate preparing the physical
presentations, and Rick coming up with everything else.  Without Rick, Justin
knew that they would be lost.  Knowing Rick had helped Justin understand what
Brian had had to go through before he became a partner.  Rick was like a
straight Brian.  They both had the same work ethic, which Justin was grateful
for – he understood Brian , mostly – so he could work well with Rick’s
outbursts.
 
As Justin and Kate were putting the finishing touches on the presentation, Rick
came in the office, and sat down next to their desks with three coffees and box
of Krispy Kreme donuts.  “Oh, god Rick, if you weren’t already dating Nichole,
then I’d snatch you up in a heartbeat.  Coffee and Krispy Kremes early in the
morning.  Gotta love it.”  Kate grabbed her coffee and a donut and began to
eat, waiting for Justin’s final piece of the presentation.  “Justin,” Kate
asked him with a small smile on her face, “aren’t you hungry?”
 
Justin looked up, grabbed the coffee, and returned her smile.  “I already had
my breakfast for this morning.  Full of high protein goodness,” he said as his
smile grew. 
 
Rick looked at the two with confusion, then as if a light suddenly light in his
head he groaned.  “Please don’t tell me this,” he cried out.  “I have to meet
the man in less than forty-five minutes, and the last thing I need to have in
my mind is the thought of him receiving a blow job.”
 
Kate just laughed and leaned back in her chair.  “Come on Rick, it would be an
interesting picture.  I mean he is hot as hell, and I can just imagine just how
big he really is.”
 
“Will you please be quiet, fuck!  I mean, I respect him, I like him . . . but I
just can’t think of my boss. . . fuck,” Rick laughed back at the two while
Justin continued to sit there with a look of innocence.  Justin was glad that
his friends weren’t bothered by the fact that he was gay, nor were they
bothered that he was with Brian.  They all supported his relationship, or were
for a relationship between the two.  Even Rick, who was god’s gift to straight
Atlanta, was thrilled with the idea of Justin and Brian.  Of course he had
often told Justin that he needed to teach his girlfriend how to give the best
damn blowjob that a person could get.  Rick said that she was “lacking” in that
area.  “Can’t we talk about this AFTER the presentation?”
 
“Why?” Kate asked.  “This is the best news that we’ve gotten in a long time. 
Are the two of you really getting back together?”
 
Justin hit the print button on his computer, and sat back in his chair.  “We’re
working on it.  I think we’re getting there – just a little bit at a time – day
by day.”
 
Rick placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder, and waited for Justin to acknowledge
him.  “I think that’s great.  The two of you deserve to be happy.  I mean hell,
with what you’ve been through this past year, and what you said you’ve been
through before – you deserve some happiness.”
 
“Thanks.  You guys have helped with it all too, you know.  I mean you have
helped me see a lot of things that I wasn’t ready to face – and I thank you for
that,” Justin told his friends.  They had helped him come to terms with a great
deal, and helped him to be able to accept what Brian was offering.  Justin knew
that with their help, and Marsha’s help as well, he and Brian would make it
last this time.  They wouldn’t let Justin fuck it up.  “So anyway, have you
heard about the new guy?”
 
“Yeah, what the hell was his name?” Kate asked.
 
“Matt something or another. . . I heard Chris talk about putting him with us so
that he can quote learn the ropes unquote,” Rick stated – obviously not
thrilled with the idea.  None of them were pleased with the idea of another in
their group.  They had tried that once, and it had just messed up their rhythm
and they couldn’t get things done.  The three knew each other so well that they
could predict what each other was thinking and it worked well for them, and the
firm.  When someone else came in everything would be thrown out of whack. 
 
“Great.  I hope they change their minds.  I am not ready for some new guy to
come along and fuck things up.”  Justin placed his coffee on his desk, and
shook his head. Reaching for the printout, he handed it to Kate, and then
looked back at Rick.  “What would he be doing?  I mean we already do
everything; what more could they add?”
 
“I think that he’s an artist, and Chris said something about giving you a
hand.  I don’t know, I think it’s complete BS,” Rick stated.  Justin knew
exactly why they had decided to bring another artist into their group.  Since
the accident, his hand had been giving him problems again.  It was still really
weak, and he could only work for short periods of time before he had to take a
break.  It had added time to his work, but he still got the work done.  The
computer that Brian had gotten him, and that they had purchased for the firm,
worked wonders, and helped him a great deal.  Justin knew that his ability to
draw without it was greatly diminished, but he didn’t think that he was so bad
that he would need someone to ‘help him out’.  ‘God, I fucking hate being
crippled.’
 
Kate continued to work on placing the final picture on the presentation board
and shook her head.  “Let’s hope he’s not like Marcus.”
 
“You mean King Marcus,” Justin asked with disgust.  Marcus was the son of one
of their top stock holders, and worthless as hell.  Justin and Marcus had
gotten into a lot of arguments over things, and Justin knew that Marcus was
definitely homophobic.  Marcus would do anything in his power to destroy Justin
if he could, but luckily he hadn’t tried anything.  Justin knew that if he did,
that would be the end of Marcus.  
 
Rick shook his head, obviously remembering his own confrontations with Marcus. 
“No, I hear he’s not too bad.  He’s just a little green.”
 
Justin looked over at Rick and smiled.  “Well, we’re all green at some point in
time.”
 
“Yeah, but some of us rise above that BS and prove in short order that we won’t
take any shit from anyone,” he stated reminding Justin of the major account the
three had landed shortly after Justin had come on board. 
 
Kate stood up, and placed the boards into a large carrying case and handed them
to Rick.  “There you go, boss.  All set for your big presentation.”  Rick took
the case and stood to leave.  “Don’t forget your protein,” Kate yelled as Rick
began to walk out of the area.
 
“You’re cold,” Justin said with a smile. 
 
“Had to get him calm before the meeting.  You know how he gets.”
 
“Still that was mean,” Justin said shaking his head.  What he wouldn’t do to be
a fly on the wall during that meeting.  He began to wonder if he shouldn’t have
told Kate what he had done.  ‘Nah, let Rick try and cover this one up,’ he
thought with a smile.  ‘It will be the best presentation yet.’
 
********************
 
Brian was sitting in his small office in the townhouse, going over some of the
work he had brought home with him.  He knew that Justin was downstairs with the
new guy, working on another account, and Brian tried to stay out of their way. 
Brian wasn’t too sure about this new guy.  He knew that he was protective of
Justin, but he wasn’t going to let anyone know that he was watching out for him
as much as he was.  Brian had looked into the people that Justin worked closely
with and determined that they wouldn’t hurt him, but this new guy had slipped
through the cracks.  Brian hadn’t met him before he had been assigned to work
with Justin, and Brian hated that he wasn’t in control.  Rationally, Brian knew
that he couldn’t control everything, and he couldn’t always protect Justin, but
it didn’t mean that he had to like it.  Brian was also smart enough to know
that if Justin were to ever find out that Brian had screened his co-workers,
Brian would be in BIG trouble.  Justin hated to be ‘protected’ and hated to
have Brian try and control everything.  ‘Love makes you do the whacky,’ Brian
decided.  ‘I love him, and I won’t allow him to be hurt again if I can help
it.’
 
Brian was happy with how things were going between he and Justin.  Since the
other morning when he had been awakened by a mind-blowing blowjob, he had been
in a good mood.  They were getting closer together, and each night took them
one step closer to a reunion.  Brian knew that Justin was still worried, but
Brian was tearing down those walls, and making Justin realize that they
belonged together.  ‘One step at a time,’ he thought with a smile.  Brian had
never realized that it could be more satisfying to work at a relationship than
if you just took want you needed.  He knew that when they finally reached the
point where they could make love again, it would be the best moment in his
life.  Of course it wasn’t that Brian wasn’t getting frustrated with the whole
thing; he would be lying if he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t.  He
was extremely frustrated that he couldn’t show Justin just what he felt.  He
couldn’t always put into words what he felt; he had always relied on actions
and not words.  It did help however, that Justin had told him that Brian’s
understanding showed him more than anything else could’ve.  So Brian would
wait, and take frequent cold showers.  ‘But dammit, when it comes time,
Justin’s going to know. . . all the teasing these past couple of months . . ..’
Brian smiled thinking of his ‘revenge’.  Justin would never be able to doubt
anything after what he had planned for the young man. 
 
Brian stood and made his way down the stairs toward the kitchen.  Neither
Justin nor Matt looked up at him as he stood there in the kitchen watching
them, listening.  Brian tried not to laugh at what he was hearing between the
men, and wondered if Matt knew about him and Justin.
 
“What is it with him anyway?  I mean, I heard how he blew up at Chris and
Vinny.  What is it?  Is he always that much of an ass?” Brian heard Matt ask
Justin.  Brian leaned on the counter to listen to what Justin’s answer would
be. 
 
“Brian’s just a complicated man,” Justin replied.
 
“Brian?”
 
Brian watched as Justin shook his head.  “Mr. Kinney,” he said in reply.  “He
worked hard to get where he is today, and he won’t settle for second best.  He
only wants the best, and he won’t let you do second class work.  Brian. . . Mr.
Kinney is a perfectionist.  Don’t fuck with him; don’t screw him over, do your
best work and things will go smoothly.  The thing with Chris and Vinny was that
Bri. . . Mr. Kinney knew that they could’ve done a much better job then what
they had done. They tried to snowball him.”  Brian watched as Justin looked
Matt right in the eye.  “Don’t try to pull one over on him.  Don’t try to think
that you’re smarter than he is. You won’t succeed.  He’s smart, and knows when
someone is trying to pull one over on him.  As long as you work hard and do
your best, things will be okay.  Don’t forget that.”
 
“Jeez.  He just seems a little untouchable.  I mean he can be a major asshole
from what I heard,” Matt stated, causing Brian to raise his eyebrows at the
statement.  Brian knew that he shouldn’t be listening in on the conversation,
but he was grateful for the insight of what his workers thought of him.
 
Justin shook his head, and laughed.  “Yeah, he can be.  But he knows the deal
and how to handle people like clients.  He’s good at what he does, and
everything that we do reflects directly on him and Vance.  If we fuck up, then
it makes them look bad.  If you want to stick around this job for a while, you
make them look good.  It’s as simple as that.”  Justin picked up his pen and
began to work on the art in front of him on the computer screen. 
 
“Still. . .”
 
“No ‘still’. . . You have to know the game.  Follow the rules, and things will
go smoothly for you.  This is a cutthroat business, and if you can’t keep up,
you’re dead.  Brian knows this and he’ll do whatever he needs to do to be on
top,” Justin stated.  Brian smiled at Justin’s words.  Brian could hear the
pride and respect in Justin’s words, and it made him feel good that Justin
understood how he was.  Knowing that Justin truly understood him and what made
him tick made Brian love the young man even more. 
 
Matt shook his head, and looked at Justin.  “Why do you keep calling him
Brian?”
 
Brian saw Justin pause in his work, thinking of how to reply.  Brian decided
that he would take the pressure off, and maybe show this new guy just what the
stakes were, he made his way over to the two men.  Pretending that he hadn’t
been listening in, Brian leaned in and gave Justin a light kiss on the head. 
Brian wasn’t afraid of outing him to the new guy, since Justin had informed him
that he had told Matt from their first meeting that he was gay.  Justin didn’t
want any problems with anyone, and wanted to be upfront with people.  HE didn’t
want to work with someone who would treat him differently, and Brian respected
Justin for that.  “Hungry boys?” Brian asked with a smile, when he saw the
shocked look on Matt’s face.
 
“Brian you are such an ass,” Justin said with a smile.  “Matt, Brian. . .Brian,
Matt.”

Matt just looked up at Brian then to Justin and back up to Brian.  “You two. .
.”

“Yep,” Justin stated.
 
“But . . .”
 
Brian just stood there with a smile on his face, loving the confused look on
the man’s face.  Justin just shook his head, knowing that Brian was loving
playing with the man, and took pity on him.  “Brian and I have known each other
for years . . . Long before either one of us came here to Atlanta.  So don’t
mind him, he’s just being a pain, as usual,” Justin stated with a smile on his
face, looking up at Brian.
 
“Twat,” Brian replied lightly tapping Justin’s head.  “Ruin all my fun.”
 
“You have enough fun,” Justin stated with a raised eyebrow.
 
“I mean, wow.  I heard Kate say something about this, but I just thought she
was kidding,” Matt said shaking his head.
 
Brian ignored the comment and the look that Justin was giving him, and shook
his head.  “So, you two hungry or what?”
 
**************
 
After Matt left, Brian and Justin sat down on the couch and relaxed.  It had
been a hard couple of days for the two, and both just wanted to relax in each
other’s arms.  “When is your next appointment with Marsha?” Brian asked as he
ran his finger along Justin’s wrist, under the cowry shell bracelet.
 
“Tomorrow,” Justin replied, leaning against Brian and resting his head on the
man’s shoulder.  “I think she said something about going to ‘her office’,” he
said with a small smile. 
 
Brian nodded, and held Justin closer to him.  “I like her office.  Now if I
could have one of those types of offices then maybe everyone wouldn’t think me
such an asshole,” he said with a smile.
 
Justin just laughed slightly at the remark.  “Don’t think that would happen. 
You’d still be an asshole.”
 
“Hey,” Brian said, pretending to be hurt.
 
“You know that with your little . . . okay huge, perfectionist streak, you
can’t be all nice to people who fuck up.  You have to be the strong arm,”
Justin explained.
 
“True, but you love me for it.”
 
Brian felt Justin nod as the young man began to doze off slightly.  “Yeah, I
do.”
 
“So how about we go away for New Year’s?”  Brian had been talking to Kate and
Kelly and the three had decided to take a trip to the ocean for New Year’s.  It
would be all of their friends getting together for a ‘fresh start’.  Kelly had
told Brian that she had wanted to get away with everyone that meant something
to her, so they could put this past year behind them and start fresh with what
really mattered – their friendship.  Brian was hard pressed to disagree.  There
were a lot of things this past year that he would like to forget, and put
behind him, but the one thing that he didn’t want to forget was lying in his
arms.  The two had made great strides these past couple of months in their
relationship, and Brian had wanted to put the bad things behind them and
concentrate on what was important to him – Justin. 
 
Justin looked up at Brian.  “Where would we go?”
 
Brian explained to Justin about Kelly’s plan, and what he wanted for himself
that night.  “New Year’s is supposed to be the night of new beginnings,” he
said finally.
 
“We can’t get away from our past, Brian.  It’s a part of us,” Justin stated.

”I know that, but we can move past it, move forward.”

Justin sat back in Brian’s embrace, and thought about what Brian was asking. 
He knew that he wanted what Brian was offering almost as much as Brian
himself.  “Yeah,” he said finally.  “Let’s go away.”  Brian could feel his
heart swell with the knowledge of what was being offered.  Justin was ready to
let go, and it was the greatest gift that Brian could ever ask for.
 
“You sure?” he asked, wanting Justin to be sure in his decision.

”Yeah, I think I am.”
 
**************
 
Justin sat in his wheelchair looking out over the vast mountainside, taking the
peace he felt there into his soul.  “What do you want out of this trip,
Justin?  What do you want to happen?” Marsha asked him from her spot next to
him.
 
Justin looked out, thinking of his answer.  He knew that he couldn’t lie to
Marsha; she had always been able to see right through him.  She had helped him
a lot with things and with coming to terms with himself and with Brian.  She
had helped them both get to where they were now, talking to both of them and
letting them get things out in the open.  She would never tell him what Brian
had said, and visa versa, but she had allowed each one to be more open, and
allowed them to be able to express things to one another that they wouldn’t
have been able to before.  They both owed her a great deal.  “I want to move
forward.  I want to try and begin to put the past behind us.  I want to . . .
not forget really, but . . . I don’t know, allow it to be a part of me instead
of controlling me.  Does that make any sense?”
 
“Yeah, it does.  Right now, you feel like things are controlling you.  Things
that you have no control over.  Your disability, your life . . .everything. 
You want to be in control.”  Marsha placed her hand on his arm in order to
bring his attention solely on her.  “And you’ve made great strides toward that
goal.  The one thing that you feel you need to do, you’re working on.  Your
relationship with Brian is what you are, who you are.  You’re working on your
fears, and not letting them control you.  The fact that you’ve accepted this
trip means a lot.  But Justin, don’t think that just because things are getting
better between you and Brian, that you are finally able to allow him to be a
part of you, doesn’t mean that you’re better.  You’re far from it.  We have a
long way to go before you can really let go.”
 
Justin nodded.  “I know.  But I think I’m finally getting to the point where I
can be open with Brian.  Really open.  You’ve helped me to see that, and he’s
been a great help too.  I want to be with him, I want to make love to him. 
That’s something I didn’t think I was going to be able to feel for a long
time.”
 
“I’m proud of you,” she said with a smile on her face.  “But . . . I want you
to know that even if you take this step, which I hope to god you do, it doesn’t
mean that everything will go away; that all of your problems from before will
just disappear.  You still have a lot of issues that you need to deal with on
your own.  Don’t think that Brian can take it all away, ‘cause he can’t.  NO
one can.  Only you can come to terms with everything, and we’ll be there to
help you.  All of us.”
 
“I know, and I can’t thank you guys enough.  I was a fucking mess when I first
came here, and you’ve helped me.  Thank you,” Justin said with tears in his
eyes.
 
“That’s my job. . . as your shrink and as your friend.  You’ve come a long way,
and I’m proud of you.  No matter what, I’ll be there for you.”  Marsha looked
out over the mountainside, allowing them both to take in the calm that
surrounded them.  “How’re the medical things going?  Headaches?”
 
“I still feel like shit most of the time, but that’s to be expected.  I still
have blow-ups, too.  I hate that I can’t control it, but I’m getting better. 
The doc said that it would be a little while before I can even resemble
normal,” he said with a sigh.
 
Marsha knew that Justin felt helpless when it came to his medical condition,
and she had tried to get him to open up.  She knew that he didn’t tell Brian
half of the problems that he had, but she also knew that Brian knew that they
were happening.  Things weren’t always perfect between her two friends, but
they were getting better everyday, as Justin continued to heal and come to
terms with his medical condition.  “It will take time.  Everything is getting
better.  You’re coming to terms with your past, as is Brian.  That’s a big step
in the right direction.  I hope you two can put some things behind you on New
Year’s, but no matter what happens, we’ll all be there for the both of you. 
I’ll be there for you.”
 
“You’re coming, right?” Justin asked in a pleading voice.
 
Marsha knew that Justin needed to have her there for him, and she wouldn’t deny
him that.  She had promised that if he ever needed to talk, she would be there,
and she wasn’t about to break her promise.  Too many people in his life had
done that, and she wasn’t going to do that to him.  “Yeah, I’m going to be
there.”
 
“Good,” Justin said as he looked out again at the mountain side.  “Good.”
 
“Besides, I have to hear all about what you have planned and how it turns out,”
she said with a smile.
 
Justin turned to her with his own smile.  “I think I’m ready.  I think I’m
ready to take the next step.”
 
“I know you are,” she said.  She believed it too.  Justin had worked hard to
overcome his fear of not being good enough for Brian, and his fear that he
would hurt the older man again.  They had worked on it together as a couple,
which Marsha was grateful for.  They were definitely growing as a couple, and
she was glad to see the two happy.  They both deserved to be.
 
She only hoped that it would make them stronger, and that no one would try to
fuck it up between them.  She knew all of the problems that they had had in the
past, and she wasn’t going to allow anyone to take this away from the two. 
They deserved some happiness after the past couple of years that they’d had
together.  They deserved to be together and happy.  They deserved each other. 
She knew that New Year’s Eve would be the turning point in their relationship. 
She only hoped that it would make their bond that much stronger.  She hoped
that it would make it so strong that nothing would be able to tear them apart
again.  Marsha knew that if it didn’t work out between them this time, neither
one of them would survive.  She would lose both of them, and that was something
that she would not let happen.  She would not allow anyone to destroy these two
people who had become her family.  She’d fight to save them.  Brian and Justin
belonged together, and no one was going to stand in the way of that happening.
 
That was her promise to them.
 
***** IV *****
For All Time Interlude #5
                                        
                      You're the reason I believe in love
               And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
                       All we need is just the two of us
                      My dreams came true because of you
                      From this moment as long as I live
                      I will love you, I promise you this
                       There is nothing I wouldn't give
                               From this moment
                       I will love you as long as I live
                              From this moment on
                       From This Moment by Shania Twain
******   ******
******   ******
Monday December 30, 2002
 
Brian came into the town, home after loading up the jeep, and walked into the
bedroom to check on Justin.  The rest of the gang was supposed to be there
shortly, so that they could all go away for a couple of days.  Brian had talked
to Kelly and Kate, setting things up, hoping that he and Justin could finally
put the past behind them and move forward.  Brian had made big plans for the
two of them, and he worried that he wouldn’t be able to fulfill those plans. 
The other thing that had Brian worried was that he had hopes of not screwing
things up with Justin.  No matter how many times Justin said that he was afraid
of ruining things between them, Brian wasn’t so sure that he himself could stay
strong in the relationship. 
 
Brian hated that feeling of dread, and he hoped that things would work out
between Justin and him.  He knew that he wouldn’t be able to live his life
without Justin, and he knew that the young man felt the same way.  He couldn’t
however, get rid of that slight bit of fear when he thought about them – no
matter how irrational it was.  Justin had mentioned it to him before, and he
blew it off then, but now he was beginning to wonder if Justin was right. 
“Every time things start getting good in my life. . . every time that I think
that things are perfect, something comes a long and fucks it up,”Justin had
told him.  Brian could only hope that he was wrong – that things wouldn’t get
fucked up this time.  He didn’t think he could survive it again, but more
importantly, he didn’t think that Justin could survive it again. 
 
Shaking the maddening thoughts away, Brian walked into the bedroom, and spotted
Justin sitting by the window looking out toward the backyard.  Seeing Justin
just sitting there with the light reflecting off of his golden hair, Brian knew
that no matter what, he would fight to ensure that this man was in his life for
a long, long time.  “No, Daph it’s not like that. . . You’re such a freak. . .
yes. . . Oh god, don’t tell me, I don’t wanna know. . . Really, that’s cool . .
. So is it serious? . . . Not answering that one . . . I don’t know yet, but
ask me again after the New Year. . . Yeah, I think so. . .”  Brian smiled as he
sat down on the corner of the bed to watch Justin.  He knew what the younger
man was currently discussing with his long-time friend, and just thinking about
the week ahead brought a smile to his face.  The two men were definitely going
to try and put the past behind them this week, and try to move forward.  ‘Just
don’t let me fuck it up,’ Brian thought, feeling the fear come back. 
 
“Okay, I’ll call you next week. . .Later, Bye,” Justin finished, and Brian felt
Justin next to him.  Looking up, Brian smiled at the young man as he reached
for Justin’s hand. 
 
“So, you ready to get out of here?” Brian asked as he began to rub his fingers
lightly across Justin’s knuckles. 
 
Justin reached across the distance with his other hand, and began to pull a not
very reluctant Brian closer.  “Yeah,” he whispered as their lips met in a light
kiss.
 
Pulling back, Brian looked deep in Justin’s blue eyes, and smiled.  “Well then,
Sunshine, let’s get moving.”  Brian followed Justin out of the house, ensuring
that everything was locked up, and the alarm was set.  “You sure you don’t want
to stay here and watch the ball drop?”
 
Justin turned slightly to Brian with a smile on his face, which caused Brian’s
heart to beat rapidly in his chest.  “You’re in Georgia, Brian.  Here we have
the Peach Dropping.”
 
“The what?” Brian asked, confused, as he helped Justin get into the car.  “What
the fuck is that, and where would they have it?  I haven’t seen anything like
that around here.”
 
Justin laughed as Brian hooked up the seatbelt.  Brian felt Justin lean forward
to give him a kiss on the cheek.  Turning his head so that he could get a real
kiss, Brian saw the large ‘sunshine’ smile that played on his lover’s face. 
“The peach is at the Underground, and it’s the Atlanta thing to do.  Don’t you
know anything?” Justin said with a smile.
 
Brian could only shake his head and close the door.  After placing the
wheelchair in the jeep, he walked over to the driver’s side and got in. “Don’t
be a twat.  I wasn’t raised in the South, and I can honestly say that I don’t
understand half of the shit that these damn southerners do,” he said with a
slight smile playing on his lips. 
 
Justin looked over at Brian and shook his head.  “You’re just a damn yank,”
Justin said playfully.  “But I still love you.”  Brian stole a quick glance at
Justin before starting the jeep.  He tried not to get too excited about
Justin’s words, since it was the first time that the young man had said them to
him in a long time.  ‘I love you,’ played over in Brian’s head as he pulled out
onto the street.  He could only hope that after this little trip, Justin would
be able to say those very words to him more often.  He could only hope that
after this week, the two would truly be together in every way possible.  ‘Only
time will tell,’ he thought with a smile.  ‘Just don’t let me fuck it up.’
 
******************
 
After driving for hours, the two finally pulled up to an old Bed and Breakfast
overlooking the beach.  Justin looked out at the scenery, watching the waves
crash against the rocks and sand.  He was glad that he had brought his
sketchbook with him, ‘cause he wanted to capture the way the sun was playing
across the water, leaving it a dark purple in color, and the pristine white
rifts crashing against the rocks spraying the landscape with water.  He only
hoped that his hand would hold off getting tired long enough for him to get
some pictures done.  In the past couple of months, Justin had been working hard
on trying to get the use of his hand back, and he had been somewhat
successful.  He could now draw for a least a half an hour before he had to take
a break.  It was no where near what he used to do, but it was a start.
 
Brian had brought the wheelchair over to the side of the car, and Justin wished
he had been able to use the crutches.  Of course with his hand being as weak as
it was, he had a hard time keeping his right side steady.  Justin remembered
when he had tried the crutches at therapy last week, and remembered how he had
almost fallen flat on his face.  He hated being so helpless, and no matter how
long it had been, he was no where near where he was before.  Justin knew that
he couldn’t expect a one hundred percent recovery, but he would he happy to be
close to what he was after the bashing.  Hell, he couldn’t even remember when
he had been 100%.  ‘When was the last time I  lived without pain?  When was the
last time I didn’t have the shakes?’ he asked himself.  ‘Back in May of 2001 .
. . before Hobbs,’ he realized.  ‘I’m not even twenty and I’m totally fucked
for the rest of my life.  But at least I have Brian,’ he thought with a smile. 
Justin was grateful, eternally grateful that Brian was with him – that they
were working on their relationship.  He knew that without Brian he wouldn’t
survive.  When that thought came to his mind, Justin halted for a brief
second.  ‘Should I tell him about that?  Should I tell him about what I did?’
he wondered.  Justin was scared at the thought.  He hadn’t told anyone about
what happened to him, or what almost happened to him – what he had almost
done.  If it hadn’t been for Marsha, he knew he wouldn’t even be here today.
 
Justin knew he would have to talk to Marsha during these next couple of days. 
If he and Brian were going to take the next step in their relationship, he
would have to let go of the past.  He had promised himself that he would tell
Brian everything in time – that he would hold nothing back from the man he
loved.  He only hoped that Brian wouldn’t take it the wrong way.
 
“You seem deep in thought,” Brian whispered in his ear.
 
Justin turned quickly to Brian and forced a smile on his face.  “Just
thinking.”
 
“About?”
 
Justin took a deep breath, knowing that now was NOT the time to tell Brian the
whole truth.  He would have to wait.  “I was thinking about trying to draw the
view here.  I hope my hand holds out,” he informed Brian.  ‘It’s not an entire
lie,’ he rationalized.
 
Brian kneeled down and grabbed a hold of Justin’s right hand, gently massaging
the delicate flesh.  “It’s getting better, and I’m sure if you keep at it,
you’ll be able to draw all day long again,” Brian said as he was looking down
at Justin’s hand.
 
“I know that. . . it’s just frustrating, that’s all.  But even if it takes me
all week, I’m going to get this drawing done,” Justin replied with a small
smile. 
 
Justin caught Brian’s look, and laughed.  “All week?”
 
“Well, when I am not busy doing other things,” Justin stated as he pulled
Brian’s hand up to his lips.  Kissing the top lightly, Justin looked into
Brian’s dark, hazel eyes.  To Justin, Brian was a gift from the gods.  He was
good-looking, kind, loyal; all the things that Brian had said he admired in
Justin, Justin saw in the older man.  Although, Brian didn’t want many people
seeing that side of him, Justin knew that it was there, and had been on the
receiving end of that side on many occasions.  Justin still could not believe
that Brian wanted him.  The other man could have anyone he wanted – he had
proven that for years – but he had chosen this young kid to be his partner. 
Knowing that he had caught the infamous Brian Kinney of Liberty Avenue caused
Justin’s heart to swell even more. 
 
Brian leaned in and kissed Justin fully on the lips, tracing his tongue across
Justin’s lips.  Justin reached up and grabbed hold of Brian’s head, pulling him
closer to him, deepening the kiss.  Justin knew both in his heart and in his
mind that this was the right time, that he was ready to take the final step. 
Justin began to feel everything fade away as he became lost in the feel of
Brian’s mouth on his.  As Brian began to run his hands down Justin’s arms, both
men were shocked out of the moment by a sudden chilling rain storm.  Looking
up, Justin saw Kelly standing there beside Kate with a bucket at their sides. 
“Get a fucking room,” Kelly said with a large smile on her face, waving her
bucket at her side. 
 
Justin immediately buried his face in his hands, turning a bright shade of red,
as he felt Brian pull away.  Looking up, he watched as Brian stood and faced
off with Kelly, with an evil glint in his eye.  “Kelly,” he said with a grin. 
Justin knew what that look meant, for he had seen that menacing look many times
over the past two years.  All Justin knew was that Kelly and Kate were in BIG
trouble.  He knew that even if Brian didn’t get the two women back now, their
days were numbered.  Brian’s paybacks were legendary. 
 
“Yes, Brian?” she said, backing up from the man with a smile on her face.
 
“Come here,” he playfully said as Kelly continued to back away from him. 
“Kelly?” 
 
“Later,” she said as she ran, with Brian following closely behind.  Justin
watched as Brian caught up with her, picked her up, and carried her toward the
ocean.  “Brian!  Let me down, you big ass.”
 
Brian smiled up at where Justin was and Justin knew what was going to happen.  
Feeling sorry for his friend, Justin just watched as Brian threw her into the
cold ocean water.  “I knew that was going to happen,” Justin said to Kate
standing by him.  “You might want to high-tail it out of here too, unless you
want to be next.” 
 
“Right,” she said as she turned quickly and ran into the house.
 
Brian walked back up to Justin and resumed his previous position in front of
the young man.  “Now,” Brian breathed against Justin’s skin.  “Where were we?”
 
Justin leaned back a little to look into Brian’s eyes.  “I think we were going
to head in and get settled,” Justin said, instantly hating the fact that it
came out of his mouth at all.  All he wanted at that moment was to continue
making out, but he knew that if he continued, he would not be able to stop.  If
Kelly hadn’t dumped the water on them, who knows what they would be doing now? 
Justin didn’t even think that they would’ve made it into the house, and as much
of an exhibitionist as he was – he wasn’t ready to show all of his friends
Brian’s ass.  He wanted their first time to be for them only – not on display. 
No, when they did make love again, it would be in the privacy of their own room
– alone.
 
Brian laid his head on Justin’s lap, and sighed.  Justin could only run his
fingers gently through Brian’s silky hair.  “Room, right,” Brian said.  When
Brian looked up however, Justin could see the mischievous, well-known look in
his eyes.  “We’ll definitely be more comfortable.  Come on,” Brian said
standing and grabbing their bags.  Justin could only look at his lover and
shake his head as he followed Brian into the house, maneuvering the chair
through the hallways toward their single room in the back of the building. 
When Justin entered, he felt the breath leave his body.  There was a window
facing the ocean, large canopy bed, and on the table close the bed a dozen red
roses.  Justin went over to the roses, and picked up the card in front of the
vase.  ‘To New Beginnings.  I love you, B’ it read.  Justin could feel the
tears begin to gather behind his eyes.  Justin felt Brian wrap his arms around
Justin’s shoulders.  “You like ‘em?”
 
“I love them,” Justin said with a smile on his face.  Justin turned his head so
that he could face Brian, and reached up his hand to caress Brian’s cheek.  “I
love you,” he said as he leaned across the distance to kiss Brian.  “Thank
you.”
 
Brian pulled back so that he could look into Justin’s eyes, and Justin hoped he
could see the love that he knew was there.  He hoped that Brian knew how he
felt about him, the same way he could tell how Brian felt about him.  “They
should be getting dinner ready.  Hungry?”
 
Justin leaned his forehead against Brian, realizing that Brian was giving him a
chance to back out, and for that he was grateful.  “Aren’t I always?”
 
“Let’s go,” Brian said, as he stood and moved away from Justin.  “Rick and Kate
are planning a small bonfire down by the water tonight.  It should be fun.”
 
“How the hell am I supposed to get down there,” Justin asked with a slight
smile on his face.  He knew that no matter what, he would be there, sitting by
the fire with his friends.  They would all ensure that.  But he still felt the
pang of sorrow that he couldn’t do it on his own, that he would be unable to
walk down the beach with Brian.  He would be unable to feel the soft sand
beneath his feet, as he walked hand in hand with the man that he loved with the
waves crashing into them.  Justin wanted nothing more than to do just that, but
he knew that it wouldn’t happen . . . not for a long time. 
 
Justin caught Brian looking at him, and instead of pity that he would’ve gotten
from anyone else, he could only see the love reflecting in the man’s eyes. 
“Don’t worry about a thing, Sunshine.  You’ll be there.”
 
“Somehow I don’t doubt that, Brian.  I don’t doubt that at all,” Justin said as
the two began to head down to the small dining room.
 
*******************
 
After dinner Justin and Marsha excused themselves.  The two went out of the
house and began to move down the sidewalk heading toward town.  “How have
things been these past couple of days?” she asked as they reached a small café
and ordered a cup of coffee.
 
Justin only shrugged slightly.  “They’ve been going pretty good.  I still can’t
believe that this is happening – that Brian is being so considerate.  Since he
came back into my life, he’s changed.  I’ve had to get to know him all over
again.  It’s strange.”
 
“Good changes though?”
 
Justin placed his thumb by his mouth, and began to chew slightly on the nail. 
He ran through his head everything that Brian had done for him these past
couple of months, and tried to compare that to the Brian that had pushed him
away.  He couldn’t even begin to compare the two images – but he knew that no
matter what he loved Brian more at that moment then he had ever thought
possible.  “Very good.  I mean he’s considerate, caring – but he’s always been
that, but it’s the little things.  Things that he NEVER would’ve done before
seem to come like second nature to him now.  It’s strange.  I never thought
that I could love him more than I did then, but I was wrong.  I don’t think I
can live without him anymore.  I don’t think I’d be able to survive.  He’s the
other half of my soul.”
 
“So what’s the problem?” Marsha asked, as she took a sip of her coffee.  Justin
marveled at how alike Marsha and Brian were.  Of course neither would admit it,
but the two were a LOT a like.  Both were very loyal, caring, and brave.  Both
had come from an abusive home and overcome the tragedies of that life to be
someone of great importance.  They both had made something of themselves. 
Justin didn’t know what he would do without either one of them.  Of course it
was the little things that Justin found was similar.  Both liked latte, smoked,
and had eyes that allowed you into their soul.  It was the similarities between
the two that had allowed Justin to open up so much with Marsha, when he had
wanted only to shut down.  All she had to do was look at him, and Justin was
unable to lie to her. 
 
Justin took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  “It’s just that . . . what
happens when he finds out everything that I haven’t told him?  What happens
when he finds out what I did?  He’ll hate me,” Justin said, as he placed his
head in his hands, feeling the weight of everything on his shoulders.
 
Justin felt Marsha’s hand on the back of his head, gently massaging his scalp. 
“Justin,” she began.  Justin looked up at her with tears in his eyes.  He was
scared, and was unable to hold it in anymore.  “Listen to me.  Brian won’t hate
you.  You need to talk to him.  Get things out in the open.  You didn’t do
anything wrong.  You were lonely, you were scared, and you were suffering from
the memories of what happened last year.  He’ll understand, I know he will. 
Tell him what happened, what you were thinking, feeling.  Tell him why you felt
you had to do it.”  Marsha leaned back in her chair and looked deep into his
eyes.  “You tried to end it all, finish what Chris Hobbs had started, just as
your father had wished upon you.  It was a difficult time for you.  You were in
a strange new place, with no one around, and you were hurting.  You wanted it
all to go away.  But you survived, you didn’t kill yourself.”
 
Justin nodded.  “Because you found me,” he said with a grateful smile.  “I
can’t ever thank you enough.  I know back then I was a major pain in the ass.”
 
“You still are,” she laughed.
 
Justin shook his head, and bit his lower lip to keep from saying anything in
return.  “Anyway,” he began.  “I just don’t know what he’ll do.  I’m scared.”
 
“Justin, you were having those nightmares.  You were in a great deal of pain. 
It’s natural for someone to be depressed after what you had been through.  But
you survived, and now you and Brian have a chance,” she said as she laid her
hand on his, giving him the support that he needed.
 
Justin remembered the day that he had tried to commit suicide.  It had been
Brian’s birthday when he had taken all of his anxiety and headache medication
out and laid them on the table in front of him.  With a bottle of vodka, Justin
began to swallow handfuls of pills and washing them down with the hard liquor. 
He had passed out sometime during the night, only to wake up in a small clinic
with Marsha standing over him.  She had told him that she had been worried
about him.  Evidently sometime before he had passed out, he had called her –
frantically telling her that he couldn’t go on, that he wanted it all to end. 
She had headed straight to his small room, and rushed him to the clinic where
they had pumped his stomach.  Once he had been released, Marsha took him back
to his room, removed any pills and alcohol around the room, and forced him to
call Brian.  She knew that he had needed to talk to the other man, and he was
grateful that she had been there for him.  She had helped him realize that
there were things to live for.  That Brian was worth living for.  Justin knew
that he would never be able to pay her back for saving his life.
 
“Yeah, I guess we do.  I just don’t want to fuck it up,” Justin said, coming
back to the present and answering her previous statement. 
 
“Please, you both will make mistakes, don’t think that you won’t.  But as long
as you talk to one another, be there for each other. . . you can get through
anything.”  Marsha leaned forward in her chair so that they were inches apart. 
“The love that the two of you have only comes once in a lifetime, Justin. 
Embrace it.  Don’t let it go, fight for what the two of you have.  Don’t give
up on yourself or him.  Let Brian be there for you.  You need to tell him
everything.  You know that.  Maybe not now, but when you’re ready, you’ll be
able to let him help you through it.”
 
“I know,” Justin answered.  “You’re right.  I just get scared sometimes.  You
know.  It just seems that whenever things are going good, something comes along
and rips it all away from me.  I don’t want to lose him.”
 
“You won’t.  Don’t think that something will happen to tear you apart, cause
then you will go and find something.  That’s what happened with Ethan.  You and
Brian were going so well, then the comic book thing started to bring things
back for you, and you began to shut down. You felt that something was going to
break the two of you up, and unconsciously you went and found it.”  Justin
could only nod in reply.  He knew that what she was saying was true – they had
talked about all of this in depth since they had met.  He had feared that
something was going to tear them apart, and he had found Ethan.  He had self-
destructed, and in turn almost destroyed any chance with Brian.  He knew that
he shouldn’t think that something was going to tear them apart again, but it
was hard.  “Brian and I have talked about what happened at the prom, and
Justin. . . what you did with Ethan, with your relationship, with Brian, is all
a part of the whole PTSD package.  You were afraid, but you’re getting better.”
 
Justin nodded again, and looked down at the coffee cup in front of him.  “I’m
not there yet.”
 
“But you’re getting better.  You are,” she said looking at the young man, and
smiled.  “It’ll just take time, and if you and Brian continue . . . it’ll only
get better.  But you two need to talk about what happened – all of it.  The
prom, your father, your relationship, everything.  That’s the only way you will
be able to get past it.  I know you’ve talked about some of it, but you still
have a long way to go.  But I know the two of you will make it.”
 
Justin returned her smile, and knew that she was right.  He would have to get
Brian to talk to him about things that neither one of them wanted to talk
about.  But he would do it – for the both of them.  He would tell Brian
everything, so that they could finally move forward.
 
*******************
 
Brian and Justin left the room, and headed down toward the beach.  The cool
winter air bit into their flesh as they put on their jackets.  Justin stopped
at the end of the cement walkway and looked up at Brian.  They could see the
others sitting by the blazing fire, taking warmth in the heat that was being
emitted.  Brian looked down at Justin and smiled.  “Ready?” he asked.
 
“Yeah, but how?” Justin began, when he suddenly felt himself being lifted up
out of the wheelchair.
 
Brian carried Justin down toward the fire and set him down in the sand.  Brian
then moved in behind Justin and pulled the younger man closer to his chest. 
Brian felt Justin melt into him, and lean his head against Brian’s shoulder. 
“Comfy?”
 
“Yeah,” Justin quietly said.  “This is nice.  I should’ve brought my sketchpad
with me.”
 
Brian wrapped his arms around him and leaned his head against Justin’s.  Brian
and Justin continued to take warmth from each other as they would join in the
conversations of the gang.  Brian couldn’t believe that they were all doing
this.  Never before had he had a group of friends that would just sit down at
the beach and watch as the fire burned brightly.  He thought to all of the
things that he had done with Mikey, and he could never picture the two of them
doing something so peaceful.  Yeah, they had done a lot of things together,
things that could rival this, but for the most part it was always places like
the bars, or clubs.  Once in a while they would sneak into an old warehouse and
sit and talk, but never anything like this.  ‘I must be growing up,’ Brian
thought to himself.  It felt good to just let go, and forget everything for a
while.  No one was there to get drunk and party – they were only there to sit
and talk.  It was unusual for Brian.  He was actually liking this whole new
lifestyle.  Never before would Brian have thought that just relaxing and being
with friends would be his cup of tea.  But now, Brian was finding himself doing
just that.  This small group of people had quickly become his friends, as well
as Justin’s. 
 
Brian knew that they would still have their wild moments, where they would all
go to the clubs and just let loose, but it was no longer a daily routine.  He
knew that no one would ever be able to replace Mikey’s place in his life, but
he could start fresh.  He wanted to start on this new path in life with
Justin.  ‘I’ve finally grown up and became an adult,’ Brain thought with a
slight smile.  He was learning new things every day, new ways to live and enjoy
life.  Gone were the endless tricks, booze, and drugs – not that he didn’t
drink or use some drugs every now and then, ‘cause he did – but it no longer
ruled his life like it had before. 
 
As the night progressed, Brian noticed some of them head into the hotel to turn
in.  Brian felt Justin turn slightly in his arms, and Brian smiled down at
him.  All of the changes in his life lately were because of the man in his
arms.  Since Justin had come in his life, things had started to change for
him.  He still couldn’t believe that the same night that he had become a
father, Justin had also arrived in his life.  If he had believed in God, he
would’ve thought that it was all a sign that it was time to give up on the
past.  All Brian knew was that after two years, he was finally ready to take
that step.  Catching Justin looking at him, Brian leaned in and kissed him
lightly on the forehead.  “What?”
 
Brian could tell that Justin wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what
it was.  However, it was obviously bothering the young man a great deal. 
“There’s something I have to tell you, but you have to promise to listen and
not say anything until I’m done, okay?”
 
Brian felt his heart stop in his chest, hoping that it wasn’t what he was
fearing.  ‘Could Justin believe that they didn’t belong together anymore?  No,
I would’ve been able to tell.  At least I hope I would’ve.’  Brian nodded,
agreeing to Justin’s terms reluctantly.  Brian felt Justin turn back to the
fire and lean closer into his body.  Brian closed his eyes briefly trying to
calm his nerves.  “I don’t want you to blame yourself for this, ‘cause it
wasn’t your fault,” Justin began.  Brian could tell that whatever Justin wanted
to tell him wasn’t going to be easy on either one of them.  “Remember when I
called you . . . you know the anniversary of sorts of . . .”

Brian knew what Justin was talking about and could tell that the man was having
a hard time telling him whatever it was he wanted to say.  “Yeah, I remember,”
he said taking the pressure off of his love.
 
Justin took a deep breath, as Brian pulled him closer.  “I don’t even know
where to begin. . . It was a hard time for me, you know.”  Brian nodded,
understanding fully.  That time was not easy on him either, and all he had
wanted was to find Justin wherever he was and hold the younger man to him. 
Brian remembered how he had threatened the others with great bodily harm if
they even came near him during that time.  He could only guess what Justin had
gone through.  All he knew was the little bit that Justin had told him on the
phone that night.  “It was before that day, and well . . . I was lonely and
scared. . . I didn’t think that anything was going to be alright.  I kept
hearing my dad’s words, and with the nightmares . . . memories, I didn’t know
what to do.”
 
Brian was beginning to understand what Justin was saying, but he hoped and
prayed that he was wrong.  Justin was strong, he would never try and do
something like what Brian was thinking.  ‘Could he?’  Brian knew what Craig
Taylor had told his son, and Brian could only cringe at the thought of Justin
sitting alone in a strange city with those hateful words ringing through his
head.  “How?” Brian asked, knowing what Justin had tried to do, no matter how
much he didn’t want to believe it.  A person could only take so much, and
Justin had taken a lot these past couple of years. 
 
Justin leaned forward to place his head on his bent left knee.  Brian began to
run his hand in a soothing manner across Justin’s back, hoping to keep Justin
in the present, and not lose the young man to the memories of the past.  “I
still had all of my pills, you know my anxiety pills, and headache pills. . .
anyway, I went and got someone to get me some liquor.  I really don’t remember
why I did it, just that I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I wanted the
pain to stop.  I wanted to be with you, I wanted things to be okay. . . But I
knew that it wouldn’t . . . things could never be the way they used to before.
. . before the prom.”  Justin took another deep breath, and Brian moved forward
a little to wrap his arms around Justin’s waist.  “It was almost like watching
a movie . . . I don’t even really remember taking the pills, I just know that
it wasn’t long before I looked down and they were half gone and the bottle was
almost empty as well.  I guess sometime during that time, I had called Marsha
‘cause the next thing I knew I was at this small clinic.  When I got home the
next day, she forced the phone into my hand and told me to call you.”
 
Brian closed his eyes, hating that his boy was hurting, hating that Justin had
felt that the only way out was to kill himself.  Brian didn’t even want to
think about what his life would be like if Justin had succeeded.  All Brian
knew was that more than likely he would’ve followed in Justin’s footsteps and
ended it all as well.  “It’s over now,” Brian said.  “You made it, and things
are getting better.”
 
“It’s still there though Brian.  Those thoughts . . . those feelings.  I know
that it’s still there, and that one day. . . I don’t know,” Justin said
painfully. 
 
Brain knew those feelings well.  He remembered his own suicide attempt exactly
one year prior to Justin’s.  Brian was grateful that he had Mikey to save him,
and was equally grateful that Justin had Marsha.  If it wasn’t for the two of
them, then neither Justin nor he would be around today.  Brian had remembered
contemplating death after Justin had left him earlier that year, but was glad
that he had decided against it.  When you try and confront death. . . try to
take your own life, those feelings of despair never fully leave you.  “I know. 
I know all too well, Justin.  I have those same feelings at times,” Brian
explained to Justin, opening up to the young man.  Brian never wanted Justin to
know about the scarfing incident, but knew that Justin needed to know –
especially now.  When Brian felt Justin’s eyes on him, he looked down at the
young man – seeing the love reflecting in the young man’s eyes.  “I’ve been
there, Justin.  More times than I care to admit.”
 
“You?” Justin asked in disbelief. 
 
“Yes, me.  The most recent one was on my thirtieth birthday.”  Brian caught the
shock in the younger man’s eyes, and leaned in to kiss Justin’s lips lightly. 
“If Mikey hadn’t come when he did. . . well it’s the same thing as what
would’ve happened to you if Marsha hadn’t found you when she did.”
 
“You never told me,” Justin whispered, as he laid a hand on Brian’s cheek. 
 
Brian felt the tears rising to the surface of his eyes, as he watched the tears
flow down Justin’s own cheeks.  “Why do you think I went to the prom with you? 
To ‘recapture my lost youth.’”
 
“I thought it was just a joke . . . I never would’ve thought that you. . .”
 
“I’m not invincible, Justin.  I’m not now, and I sure as hell wasn’t then.  But
you’ve helped me, in more ways than one.  You showed me that there were things
to live for.  Things that I still had to do.”
 
“I love you, Brian,” Justin said as he leaned his head against Brian’s chest.
 
“I love you too, baby.”
 
*******************
Tuesday December 31, 2002
 
Brian sat down on a group of rocks overlooking the ocean, thinking about the
past couple of months, hell the past couple of years.  Where would he have been
if Justin hadn’t entered into his life.  He knew – no matter how much it pained
him now – that if Justin hadn’t arrived the same night as Gus, then Brian
wouldn’t have been able to change.  No matter how much he loved Gus, no matter
how much his son meant to him – it was Justin that had taught him how to let
Gus and others in.  It was Justin who had opened the door to allow Brian to
feel the things that he had refused to feel before.  
 
After their talk the night before, Brian had taken an emotionally drained
Justin up to bed.  They both just held each other through the night, taking
comfort in each other’s presence – knowing now how close they had come to
losing everything.  If either one of them had succeeded, they would not have
been in this moment now. 
 
Brian looked over to his right as soon as he felt a change in the air.  Marsha
had sat down on the rock next to him – as always, with two cups of coffee in
her hands.  “So I guess you two talked last night?”  Brian could only nod as he
accepted the cup of coffee.  “You know that things are better now then they
were then, right?”  Brian once again nodded.  “But you both have a long road a
head of you in order to get past all of this.  I don’t want you two to think
that you can fully put the past away and not think about it anymore.  It’s a
part of who you are.”
 
“I know.  I was hoping though,” Brian said closing his eyes.
 
“You can hope all you want, but you can’t change the past.  You can only learn
from it, and not make the same mistakes.  I’ve told Justin the same thing,” she
said, taking a sip of her coffee.  “But I’m positive that the two of you can
make it.  It’ll just take time and a whole lot of effort on both of your
parts.”
 
“I just . . . I never would’ve thought that he would try something like that,”
Brian stated, letting the pain of what Justin had been going through flow
through him.  It hurt him to know that Justin had felt that the only thing he
could do was to end it all.
 
Marsha turned to face Brian, and placed her hand on his arm.  “You both have
done some stupid things, I know this.  But Justin felt at that time that he had
no other option open to him.  He felt that no one would care if he had ended
it, he felt that it would be better for everyone.”  Marsha turned back to look
out at the vast ocean before her.  “His father’s words hurt him deeply.  He
loved – still loves the man very much.  He can’t distinguish between the father
that he knew while growing up from the father that he has today.  It’s one of
the biggest hold-ups we have.”
 
“Craig Taylor is an ass,” Brian said viciously. 
 
“What is he like?  Craig I mean,” Marsha asked. 
 
Brian gripped his coffee cup tighter in his hand as he thought of the man who
had caused his love so much pain.  “He’s a homophobic asshole, who can’t
believe that any son of his could be gay.  He blames Justin for everything bad
that had happened to his family, and refuses to let Justin see his family.  He
smashed my jeep, beat me up, hit Justin, refused to pay for Justin’s college,
and never once came to see his son while he was fighting for his life.  That’s
the type of man that Craig Taylor is.”  Brian ran his hand through his hair,
hoping to calm himself enough to keep himself from heading up to Pittsburgh and
killing the man.  He had tried to avoid thinking of the man who had fathered
Justin ‘cause he knew that he was only biding his time before he confronted the
man.  But every time that he had started to believe that Justin didn’t want him
to confront Mr. Taylor, something would come up and make Brian hate the man
even more.  “I had taken Justin to his parent’s house after Craig had beaten
the shit out of me.  Mr. Taylor,” he spit the words out, hating the thought of
the man, “told Justin that if he lived in HIS house then Justin would have to
deny who he was, what he was, and how he felt.  I just stood up and dragged
Justin out of there.”
 
“It was for the best that you did.  Justin would’ve been unhappy being there
with that man, and it would’ve ended badly.  I’m sure you’re well aware of what
could’ve happened,” she stated, hinting at their shared abusive homes.  “Justin
wouldn’t have survived the year.”  Brian could tell that Marsha was getting an
idea of what was going on.  He knew that Justin still tried not to speak ill of
his father, which unfortunately, didn’t give Marsha much to work with.  “So how
are things going between the two of you?” she asked, changing the subject to a
happier note.
 
Brian tried not to smile at her tactics.  She had done the same thing in the
hospital when he was ready to kill Michael and the others.  “Good,” Brian
said.  “However, I do need to ask you a favor.”
 
Marsha turned to Brian and looked into his eyes.  “What can I do?”
 
“Justin and I won’t be joining you guys tonight . . . well, if I have anything
to say about it,” Brian stated with a smile on his face.
 
“What are you planning, my dear boy?” she replied playfully.

”That’s where you come in.  There are a couple of things I need you to get for
me, if you can.”  Brian informed Marsha of his plans for tonight, knowing that
the romantic in her wouldn’t be able to pass this up.  Seeing her face light
up, Brian knew that she would help.  Brian knew that after this night was over,
Justin would never be able to doubt Brian’s love for him.
 
*******************
 
Justin came into the room after talking to Kelly and immediately felt his heart
jump out of his chest.  The room was dark, illuminated only by dozens of
candles spread throughout the room as soft music played in the background. 
There was a small table set up with another bouquet of roses placed in the
middle.  Justin couldn’t believe what his eyes were telling him.  “You coming
in or are you going to stay by the door all night,” Justin heard coming from
the side of the room.  Turning he spotted Brian standing there with a rose in
his hand, dressed in an all black Armani suit.  He looked even more beautiful
than Justin could ever remember.  “Well?”
 
Justin shook his head, trying to clear it.  ‘If this is a dream, I don’t ever
want to wake up,’ he thought to himself.  Closing the door, Justin maneuvered
his chair further into the room.  “What’s all this,” Justin asked.
 
Brian came to stand in front of Justin and handed the young man the rose.  “To
make up for all of the times that I didn’t do right by you,” Brian said, as he
leaned down to kiss Justin fully on the lips.  Justin began to feel the tears
building behind his eyes as he took in everything that was happening.  This was
the most romantic thing that he could’ve ever dreamed of.  “Come on, the food’s
getting cold,” Brian said, as he picked Justin up and placed him in a chair at
the table. 
 
Before Justin was the most delicious tasting food he could’ve even thought of –
things that meant something to the two of them.  Jambalaya, spicy Thai chicken,
strawberries, ice cream, and an expensive bottle of wine.  “What’s all this?”
Justin asked again in shock. 
 
“What, you don’t like it?” Brian asked him in a slightly amused voice.  “I can
always take it all back.”
 
“No,” Justin quickly said looking at Brian.  “It’s just that. . . I mean. . .”
 
Brian reached across the table to grab a hold of Justin’s hand.  “I know that I
haven’t always been the best boyfriend, but I’m trying Justin.  I want to be
the man that you want – that you deserve.”
 
“Brian,” Justin said, letting his emotions take over.  “You are.”
 
“I haven’t always been, but that’s going to change.  I promise,” Brian said as
he pulled Justin’s hand closer to his lips and kissed the top of his hand, then
moved to place a kiss on the inside of his wrist under the bracelet.  “I don’t
want you to doubt my feelings for you again.  I love you, and I don’t ever want
to lose you again.”  Brian set Justin’s hand back down on the table, still
holding it tightly in his own.  “Now, can we eat before this gets cold?”
 
Justin smiled as he picked up his fork, and started to eat the food on his
plate, keeping his eyes on Brian.  He was afraid that if he turned away, Brian
wouldn’t be here . . . that this really wasn’t happening.  He didn’t think he
could survive if he was dreaming this, if it wasn’t real.  “Who helped?” Justin
asked, knowing full well that Brian would’ve had to have had help to accomplish
all of this.
 
“Who didn’t?” Brian said with a smile.  “Marsha, Kate, and Rick helped get all
of this ready as Kelly and Nichole kept you away.”
 
Justin could only shake his head in disbelief.  He knew that his friends were
all eager to get him and Brian together, but this was more than he could’ve
ever dreamed of.  “Remind me to thank them,” he replied.
 
“Oh, I’m sure we can think of some way,” Brian answered back.  For the rest of
dinner the two quietly ate, just allowing themselves to take comfort in each
other’s presence, and love.  Justin knew that whatever came out of this night,
things would never be the same.  He would no longer be able to doubt Brian’s
love for him.  Never.  Brian was showing Justin a side of himself that no one
knew existed.  When they finished with the dinner, Brian stood still holding
onto Justin’s hand.  “May I have this dance?”
 
Before Justin could ask how he was supposed to dance, Brian had lifted him up
into his arms and held him up in the air so his feet barely touched the
ground.  Justin laughed lightly as he wrapped his arms tightly around Brian’s
neck.  He felt free, which was something that he hadn’t felt in as long as he
could remember.  Justin listened to the music as it played and instantly
remembered it from those awful days before Gus’ birthday the year before. 
Justin’s heart swelled even more knowing that Brian was trying to recreate the
one moment that had been the best and worst moment in their lives.  Brian was
recreating for the both of them the one night that ended so tragically, in
hopes to give them both closure on that part of their lives.  In order to have
a happier ending to their one magical night, and replacing the bad memories
with ones that will only bring happiness to them.
 
You can dance
Every dance
With the guy who gives you the eye
Let him hold you tight
You can smile
Every smile
For the man who held
Your hand ‘neath the pale moon light.
 
But don’t forget who’s taking you home
And in whose arms you’re gonna be
So darling
Save the last dance for me.
 
As the music played, Justin held tightly to Brian, loving the feel of the man,
and finding himself getting lost in the music.  Brian was giving him the dance
that would never return, the dance that was lost to him forever.  It was the
greatest gift that Justin could ever have asked for. 
 
That the music’s fine
Like sparkling wine
Go and have your fun
Laugh and sing
But while we’re apart
Don’t give your heart to anyone.
 
But don’t forget who’s taking you home
And in whose arms you’re gonna be
So darling
Save the last dance for me.
 
Baby don’t you know I love you so
Can’t you feel it when we touch
I will never, never let you go
I love you so oh much
 
Justin pulled back slightly to look at the man he loved, the man who had given
and taught him so much.  He knew that no one would be able to take Brian’s
place in his heart.  Brian was the other half of him, and Justin knew that
there would be no one else who would ever be able to fill that space in his
life.  Brian was his life, and Justin knew that they would make it, they would
make a life together, no matter what.  Their lives were a part of each other,
and nothing could take away what they had shared, and what they were to each
other.  He wouldn’t be able to give up on Brian after tonight.  He would never
allow Brian to leave his life without a fight.  No matter what, he belonged to
Brian, and there was no doubt in his mind that Brian belonged to him.  Nothing
would come between them.  If he ever had a doubt about what he meant to Brian,
or that he wasn’t good enough for Brian, those doubts were quickly disappearing
in the air as Brian continued to hold him tightly, moving him around the small
room in time with the music.
 
Go carry on
Till the night is gone
And it’s time to go.
If he asks
If you’re all alone
Can he take you home
You must tell him no.
 
‘Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home
And in whose arms you’re gonna be
So darling
Save the last dance for me.
 
Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home
And in whose arms you’re gonna be
So darling
Save the last dance for me.
Save the last dance for me.
Save the last dance for me.
 
Justin reached up and placed his hands on either side of Brian’s face.  “I love
you,” he whispered, as he leaned in and kissed Brian with everything that he
was.  Pouring all of his emotions into the kiss, Justin felt Brian’s arms
tighten around him, in hopes of making each a part of the other.  “Make love to
me, Brian.”
 
Brian pulled back slightly and looked into Justin’s eyes.  Justin could tell
that Brian was making sure that Justin was really ready, and he was.  Receiving
the answer he was looking for, Brian moved the two to the bed, and gently
placed Justin down in the middle of the large mattress.  Justin ran his
finger’s through Brian’s hair as the man leaned down to lightly kiss Justin’s
forehead, eyes, and cheeks then moved to run his tongue over Justin’s awaiting
lips.  Justin opened his mouth and immediately felt Brian’s tongue enter. 
Justin began to move his own tongue inside Brian’s mouth, feeling all the
contours and texture deep inside.  Needing more, Justin quickly reached up and
removed Brian’s jacket, so that he could run his hands under his shirt. 
Lightly, he began to run his fingers up and down the tight muscles of Brian’s
back, branding the feel deep within his brain. 
 
Justin felt Brian’s own larger hands slowly caress his stomach, up his sides
and to his nipples.  “God, Brian,” Justin breathed, feeling Brian’s hands
gliding over his hot flesh.  Brian leaned back slightly to help Justin out of
his shirt, and then removed his own.  Justin’s breath caught in his chest the
moment he felt Brian’s flesh against his own.  Brian began to kiss his way down
Justin’s neck, sucking, and biting the flesh beneath his lips.  Justin moved
his head to the side to give Brian better access to his neck, and was not
disappointed when he felt Brian lightly bite down in the flesh connecting his
neck and shoulder.  “Oh god,” Justin moaned, feeling each kiss and bite of his
love send an instant signal to his aching cock – hardening it even more. 
Justin knew that the moment had arrived; there would be no turning back after
this night.  He was ready to give himself fully to Brian.
 
Brian moved from Justin’s neck down his chest to his nipples.  Justin hissed in
a sudden breath, as Brian took the hard nub into his mouth and sucked on it. 
Justin grabbed a hold of Brian’s shoulders and dug his fingers into the man’s
flesh – marking Brian as his.  Justin looked down at his love and watched as he
moved to the other nipple and lightly pulled on the golden ring with his
tongue, sending an instant of pain through Justin’s body.  Justin felt like he
was ready to burst if Brian didn’t continue his journey, but stayed where he
was waiting to see what the other man was going to do – enjoying every painful
second of the sweet torture he was receiving.  Justin felt Brian’s hands move
to the belt of his jeans and he sighed in relief.  ‘Finally,’ he thought. 
 
After Brian had divested Justin of his jeans and underwear, he stood to remove
his own remaining clothes.  Justin just watched in wonder as he looked upon his
lover.  Brian’s body never ceased to excite him, never ceased to amaze him. 
Brian was perfect in every way – from his well sculptured chest, to his long
hard cock.  Brian was a god in Justin’s eyes, and nothing would ever change
that belief.  They both knew that they wouldn’t last long this time, since it
had been so long for the both of them and the feeling, the need to connect was
too strong.  As Brian laid back down on top of Justin, he reached to the side
and picked up the lube.  “I love you, Justin.  I need you now,” Brian said as
explanation.  Justin didn’t care ‘cause he felt the same need that Brian did. 
The need to be one with each other. 
 
“Do it,” Justin said as he reached for Brian’s hand and opened the tube.  “I
love you.”  Justin arched off the bed slightly as the first contact of Brian’s
fingers near his awaiting hole.  “Please Brian,” Justin begged.  Brian
instantly gave his reply by placing two fingers deep into Justin’s hole –
stretching him, filling him.  Justin grabbed a hold of Brian’s head and pulled
him down to kiss the man deeply.  He wanted and needed to feel Brian.  He had
never felt this strong a need before in his young life.  As they kissed, Justin
heard the condom package open and felt Brian lift himself enough to place it on
his long, hard cock. 
 
Pulling back slightly the two men looked into each other’s eyes as Brian
positioned himself at Justin’s opening.  “I love you,” Brian breathed against
Justin’s skin as he drove his cock in deeply.  Justin wrapped his left leg
around Brian, arching as much as he could with only one leg to support him. 
Justin was silently grateful that his injury didn’t hinder the feeling that
Brian was producing deep within him.  Justin felt Brian reach around Justin’s
thighs – careful to keep Justin’s right leg as straight as possible – and
pulled them onto his shoulders, driving himself deeper into Justin.  Justin
felt the air leave his lungs and Brian began to move in and out of him. 
 
Not caring about any pain he may feel, Justin reached up and pulled Brian
closer to him so that he could drive his tongue deep into the man’s mouth,
mimicking the movements below.  With each thrust, Brian drove in deeper hitting
Justin’s prostate with each solid stroke.  Justin felt the tightening of his
balls and ass, as his orgasm began to build.  The friction of Brian’s pounding,
and his own cock rubbing between their bodies was getting too much for Justin
as he turned his head slightly to the side and bit his lip.  Knowing he
couldn’t last much longer, Justin closed his eyes, he began to let go. 
 
Feeling his own cum as it shot out between their sweat soaked bodies, Justin
felt Brian continue to pound into him.  Opening his eyes, he watched as Brian’s
eyes closed tightly, his own orgasm moving through his body.  After a few more
thrusts, Brian was spent, and laid down on top of Justin, both holding tightly
onto the other.  Justin reached up and pulled Brian toward him for a kiss. 
Brian leaned his head against Justin’s shoulder as Justin ran his fingers
through the sweat soaked hair beneath his fingers.  Suddenly, Justin heard the
sounds of fireworks going off in the distance, and quietly laughed.  “I guess
we missed the show.”
 
Brian leaned up and rested on his elbows so that he could look down at Justin. 
“Are you sorry that you are missing it?” he asked Justin with a smile on his
lips.
 
Justin looked up at his lover and returned the smile.  “Not in the least.  We
had our own fireworks anyway.  Better than anything they would have.”
 
“Much better,” Brian stated as pulled out of Justin and moved off to the side. 
Pulling Justin to him, so that the young man’s head rested on his chest, Brian
began to run his hands up and down Justin’s arms.  “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
 
Justin just shook his head, letting the other man know that he was fine. 
Justin knew that even if he was in pain, it would all be worth it.  “I love
you, Brian,” Justin said as he began to close his eyes to sleep.
 
“I love you too, Justin.  Happy New Year, Baby.” 
 
*******************
Wednesday January 1, 2003
 
Justin laid his head on Brian’s chest, taking comfort in the feeling.  He felt
safe and loved for the first time in a long time, and he couldn’t believe that
Brian was there with him.  The night before had been a dream of Justin’s, and
there was no way that he could ever doubt Brian’s feelings for him again.  If
he had learned anything last night, it was that.  Brian loved him, and nothing
would tear them apart again.  No matter what came up, they would be able to get
through it.  At least that’s what he wanted to believe.  Justin didn’t want to
think of being anywhere else except in the arms of the man that he loved, and
who loved him back.  He had finally found what he had been looking for the past
year and a half.  He had finally found what he had thought he could find in the
arms of Ethan.  Justin had known that he didn’t want all of those things with
Ethan, that he had only wanted all of that with Brian.  But Justin had thought
that Brian wouldn’t be able to give him what he craved.  How wrong Justin was. 
Brian had given him everything that he had ever wanted, plus much more. 
 
Justin leaned up so that he could look into Brian’s face.  After brushing some
hair from Brian’s forehead, he leaned in and kissed his lover lightly.  Brian
slowly opened his eyes and stared into Justin’s eyes.  “Morning,” Justin said
with a smile.
 
“Morning,” Brian said, trying to wake up.  Justin felt Brian stretch, then
pulled his body down on top of his own.  “So,” Brian began.
 
Justin buried his head into Brian’s shoulders, breathing in his lover’s scent. 
“It was perfect,” Justin answered Brian’s unasked question.  “I love you,
Brian.”
 
Brian pulled Justin tighter against him, and Justin wrapped his arms around
Brian’s slender frame.  “I love you too, baby.  Now sleep, you wore me out last
night.”
 
Justin laughed, letting his body shake against Brian’s.  “Wore you out?  I find
that hard to believe.”
 
Justin felt his face being pulled to Brian’s and a light kiss being placed on
his lips.  “Yeah, well, with all the emotions that were floating around here
last night . . . A mindless fuck is one thing, but shit. . .”

“I know, we definitely have to watch out for the emotional stuff, don’t we?”
Justin said with a smile.  “It was different though wasn’t it?”
 
“Yeah, it was.  I can say that I have never cum so hard before in my life,”
Brian said, with a smile playing across his lips.
 
“I know what you mean,” Justin said as he placed his head once again against
Brian’s neck and shoulder.  “Brian?” he asked.
 
Justin knew that Brian was exhausted, but he felt that he needed to say this. 
He needed to let the man know how he felt, and what he wanted.  He would never
again hide things from his lover, not when they have come so far.  “Hmm?”
 
“You know that if you ever. . . you know if you need that little thing that I
can’t give you. . . “
 
“I’m not going to do it, Justin.  Don’t even think about it.  You’re stuck with
me,” Justin heard Brian state clearly, as the older man held onto him tighter.
 
“I’m glad,” Justin answered.  “But if you ever do, I’ll understand.  All I ask
is that you tell me, okay?”
 
Justin waited for a reply.  After a while he began to think that Brian had
fallen asleep again, and the conversation was over.  “It’ll never happen,
Justin,” Justin heard the reply, about ready to protest.  Justin didn’t want to
force Brian into anything that the man wasn’t ready for.  He knew now what he
meant to Brian, and he didn’t want to push too much.  He didn’t want Brian to
hate him in the long run.  “But if it does I promise to tell you,” he finished
before Justin could protest, and Justin breathed a sigh of relief.  “Now go
back to sleep.”
 
Justin could only lean into Brian taking comfort in his love for the other man
and the new hope for their future.  They were together and nothing was going to
break them apart now.  Nothing.
 
*******************
 
When the two arrived at home, Brian moved into their bedroom.  ‘Their,’ Brian
thought with a smile.  It had finally happened, he realized.  ‘Justin and I are
finally a couple.’  The thought of what they had shared the night before and
where they were heading didn’t scare Brian as much as he had thought that it
would.  Of course it wasn’t as if he wasn’t scared, because he was.  There was
still a part of him that craved the freedom of his former lifestyle.  Although
Justin told Brian that the man was free to do what he wanted, but that Justin
had wanted to be told, and not kept in the dark, Brian wasn’t sure he could do
that.  He wasn’t sure that he could hurt Justin like that – ‘cause he knew that
it would hurt the young man no matter what was said.  Brian wasn’t too dumb to
know that locks had been placed on the doors, and that he wouldn’t be able to
escape.  And truthfully, he didn’t want to.  He loved Justin, and he wasn’t
about to lose the young man now that he had found him again.  Brian wouldn’t
let it.
 
Brian was brought out of his thoughts as he felt Justin wrap his arms around
Brian’s slender waist.  “Thank you,” Justin said, as he reached up with his
hand to try and bring Brian around so that they could kiss.
 
“Shouldn’t I be the one to thank you?” Brian replied, as he turned to lean down
and kiss Justin.  “Have I told you how much I love you lately?” he asked with a
small smile on his face. 
 
“Not in the last five minutes,” Justin answered.
 
Brian had made it a point since Justin had awoken from his coma in September to
tell the young man how he felt every chance he could.  Now that they were once
again lovers, Brian knew that he would be unable to stop.  Now he could also
show Justin how he felt, instead of only relying on the words.  “Well I guess
we just have to fix that now won’t we?” Brian said, as he picked Justin up and
placed the young man on the bed.  Looking down into Justin’s clear blue eyes,
Brian knew that he would try his hardest not to do anything to ruin what they
had.  “I love you,” he said as he leaned down to lose himself in Justin’s
presence.  “Always and forever.”
 
“I love you,” Justin replied, as they began to lose themselves in each other.
 

Can’t_Fight_the_Moonlight
                                        
                           There's no escaping love
                  Once a gentle breeze (once a gentle breeze)
                       Sweeps its spell upon your heart
                         And no matter what you think
                              It won't be to long
                            'Till you’re in my arms
                      Underneath the starlight starlight
                     We'll be lost in the rhythm so right
                       It will steal your heart tonight
                             You can try to resist
                           Try to hide from my kiss
                          But you know, but you know
                      That you can't fight the moonlight
                 Deep in the dark you'll surrender your heart
                          But you know, but you know
                      That you can't fight the moonlight,
                   Can't Fight the Moonlight by LeAnn Rhymes
                                        
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
During the couple of weeks since their reunion at New Years, Brian and Justin
had both been busy. Work had picked up for both of them, and they had been
thrown into reality.  Their week alone together had brought them closer, and
both wanted nothing more than to stay where they were for the rest of their
lives.  Unfortunately, real life wasn’t going to wait for the two of them. 
Brian knew that since they had the chance to get one of the largest, if not the
largest account, that Vanguard had ever had, they both would be working long
hours.  Their time together would be cut, but Brian was hopeful that they would
survive.  ‘After everything we’ve been through, a little break shouldn’t ruin
us,’ he thought.  He knew that Justin didn’t like the idea of spending so much
time apart the next couple of weeks – hell Brian didn’t like it either – but
that was the nature of the business.  He would just have to show Justin that
things weren’t going to change now that they were back into the realities of
life.
 
Brian reached over to the nightstand beside the bed and pulled out a small vial
of oil, and rubbed it in his hands to warm it.  Gently, he began to run his
hands across Justin’s back, rubbing the oil deep into his skin.  Brian began to
massage the tight muscles of Justin’s shoulders and neck, receiving a moan of
pleasure from the young man beneath him.  “Fuck,” Justin sighed, as Brian
continued to knead the muscles, releasing any tension that was there. 
 
Brian smiled and leaned in so that he could place a feather light kiss on
Justin’s ear.  “Feel good, Baby?”
 
“Fuck yeah,” Justin breathed, as he felt Brian begin to trail open-mouthed
kisses down to his neck.  “Brian,” the man moaned, as Brian lightly bit into
the flesh of Justin’s neck.  Brian continued his path down Justin’s back, both
with his hands and his tongue – kneading, licking, and biting his way down
toward Justin’s round ass.  When he reached his destination, Brian parted
Justin, and began to run his tongue across the delicate flesh of Justin’s
hole.  “Fuck,” Justin moaned, as Brian pushed his tongue into Justin’s tight
hole.  Enjoying Justin’s obvious delight, Brian continued to push in and out of
Justin, taking pleasure in the taste of his lover. 
 
Slowly, Brian removed his tongue, and began to trail it up Justin’s spine to
his neck.  “Are you ready, Baby,” he breathed into Justin’s ear.
 
“Please, Brian.  I need you,” Justin said.
 
“Tell me what you want, Justin,” Brian asked, as he ran his cock across
Justin’s ass cheeks, causing Justin to raise himself further into Brian. 
 
“I need you,” Justin quietly breathed, trying to force Brian to enter him.
 
Brian reached over to the side table and ripped open the condom package with
his teeth.  After sheathing himself, Brian placed himself at Justin’s hole,
teasing the young man.  “You want me inside you, baby?  You want me to fuck
you?” Brian teased, letting his hot breath tickle Justin’s ear.
 
“Yes.”
 
“Tell me. . . say it.”
 
“Fuck me,” Justin hissed, as he reached his left hand behind him to grab a hold
of Brian’s hair.  “Fuck me,” he ordered, as he pushed his tongue into Brian’s
mouth.
 
Hearing Justin’s order, Brian pushed himself all the way, deeply into Justin’s
awaiting body.  Feeling Justin’s tight, hot hole surrounding him, Brain pulled
Justin’s head back by his hair, and began to bite Justin’s neck.  “God, you are
so fucking hot, Justin.”
 
“Oh, god, Brian, harder,” Justin continued to moan, as Brian began to push
himself in and out of Justin.  With each stroke, Brian would push himself
deeper into Justin, making sure to hit the young man’s prostate with each solid
thrust.  “Ahhh, yes,” Justin hissed.
 
“Come with me, Justin,” Brian stated as he reached around Justin’s body to wrap
his hand around Justin’s leaking cock.  With each thrust of Brian’s body, and
each tug on Justin’s cock, Brian felt himself losing the battle – he was going
to cum and sooner than he wanted.  ‘It’s always like this with him,’ Brian
thought quickly, then focused on the feeling of Justin’s body beneath his own. 
Brian felt Justin’s hold on his cock tighten as the first wave of orgasm hit,
causing Brian’s breath to catch in his throat.  Pushing in one last time, Brian
finally let go and released his own cum into the condom separating the two.
 
Spent, Brian laid himself on Justin’s back, and tried to catch his breath.  “I
love you,” Justin whispered, turning his head so that the two could kiss.
 
“I love you, too, baby,” Brian replied. 
 
****************
Four days later
 
Justin came into the town home, and made his way over to the couch.  In the
past couple of weeks, he had worked hard so that he could use his crutches
instead of the damn wheelchair.  He realized that although his hand was still
weak, he could get around for short periods of time with the crutches.  Justin
was proud of this accomplishment, and couldn’t wait to tell mom about how far
he had come.  He knew that he wouldn’t be completely away from the chair, but
he felt a sense of freedom in being able to stand and walk that he hadn’t had
in a long time.  The past couple of weeks, work had been busy for both he and
Brian.  They had the potential to get one of the largest accounts in the
history of the firm, and that meant long hours on both of their parts.  It
meant that any time the two could spend alone at home was treasured by both. 
He hated being away from Brian, but he knew what this account meant to
Vanguard, and to Brian.  Justin, Kate, and Rick would work long hours – often
starting their day at 6 a.m. and working until 8 at night.  Justin knew that
Matt was only technically an intern, so he would help them out where he could,
but often was called off to work on another project.  Justin wished that they
had more help, but he knew that it wouldn’t be possible.
 
And Brian – Brian was being a major pain in everyone’s ass.  Justin knew why,
but it still hurt to sit there and get his own ass chewed by his lover.  ‘That
is definitely not the type of ass chewing I want from him,’Justin thought with
a small smile.  He would feel differently, he knew, if Brian would just come
home and spend some time with him.  But unfortunately, Brian was spending more
hours at work than Justin himself was.  He hadn’t thought that it would be like
this when they started down this path, but Justin knew that he couldn’t really
complain.  They understood each other, and what they had to go through at
work.  Justin now knew that Brian’s job was a hard one, and not one to take
lightly.  He only wished that Brian would come home more than he did.  He would
have to talk to Brian about that, and see what came out of it. 
 
Justin picked up the phone, and dialed his mom’s number.  Maybe a little talk
with her would cheer him up.
 
*******************
 
Brian walked into the town home, and threw his coat into the chair by the
door.  He had finally had enough of dealing with the assholes in the other
departments, and the constant nagging that he was getting from Vance, and he
needed to have a break from the reality of work.  He needed his little taste of
reality with Justin.  He knew that he had been hard on the young man these past
couple of days at work, and the fact that he hadn’t been home in three days
hadn’t help matters any. 
 
Brian spotted Justin sitting on the couch, with his feet propped up on the
table and the telephone pressed to his ear.  “Yeah . . . I know, mom . . . I
just don’t understand why.  I mean, we had decided that she would come down for
Spring Break this year, okay this coming year.  Whatever . . . Why?. . . That’s
totally fucked . . . He has no right. . . yeah whatever. . . fine. . . Fine. .
. No, I’m not going to talk about it right now. I don’t want to think about it
right now.  . . yeah . . . okay, I’ll talk to you later.  Love you, bye.”
 
Brian sat down beside Justin on the couch, watching the young man run his hands
through his hair in frustration.  “What’s going on?” he asked, as he began to
lightly run his hand up and down Justin back, trying to calm his lover.
 
Justin just shook his head, and sighed.  “My dad,” he replied, closing his
eyes.
 
Brian bit the inside of his cheek in order to keep himself from saying what he
wanted to say about Craig Taylor.  “What did he do now?”
 
Justin just looked over at Brian and shook his head.  Brian could see the pain
in the young man’s eyes, and hated that Craig could still cause Justin pain
even after everything that he had already done to his son.  Brian knew that no
matter what, Justin would still be hurt by the man whom he called father.  “He
doesn’t want Molly to come down here for Spring Break.  He doesn’t want her to
be subjected to this ‘disgusting lifestyle’.  He has joint custody after all
and he can say when and where the FUCK she will go.”  Brian closed his eyes and
took a deep breath.  He knew getting angry at the fucker now would do no good,
so he did the only thing that he knew he could do – he held Justin in his arms
until the young man calmed.  “Fuck it.”
 
“Justin,” Brian said, forcing Justin to look over at him.  When he knew that he
had the man’s attention, he leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips.  “We’ll
work it out.”
 
“I know.  I just don’t want to worry about it now.  There’s no point.”  Justin
slowly turned slightly toward Brian so that he could wrap his arms around his
lover and rest his head on Brian’s shoulder, and sighed.  “So what are doing
home so early?”
 
Brian began to run his hands through Justin’s hair, and lightly kissed his
forehead.  “I was hungry, tired, and that damn couch in my office is not
comfortable,” he said with a slight smile. 
 
“Hmmm,” Justin replied.
 
Brian closed his eyes, taking comfort in Justin’s presence.  Before he could
let everything go so he could fall into the deep sleep he needed, the phone
rang, shocking them both out of their comfort.  “Fuck,” Brian said, as he
reached for the phone.  “Yes,” he barked.  Brian could tell that Justin was
trying hard not to laugh at Brian’s usual way of answering the phone.  Hearing
the voice on the other end, Brian leaned forward so that his head rested
against Justin’s.  “Yes, Mikey.”
 
Brian spotted Justin reach for his crutches, and make a move to stand.  Brian
halted him and looked into his eyes.  He didn’t want to completely lose the
comfort he was feeling.  “I’m going to make dinner,” Justin whispered, not
wanting to interrupt Brian and Michael.  Brian only nodded in response as he
watched Justin make his way toward the kitchen.
 
“So what’s up, Mikey,’ Brian asked his friend.
 
“You know, not much.  Just waiting around for my friend to call me like he said
he would,” Michael said on the other end of the line.
 
Brian leaned forward and ran his hand through his hair.  He knew he had blown
Mikey off, but damn.  “Well, I’ve been busy as hell lately, I haven’t had a
chance to even sleep let alone call you.”
 
“Not even to just say ‘hey, can’t talk now, I’ll call you later’?”
 
“Sorry, but work is picking up and I can’t just tell a client to hold on a
minute while I shoot the shit with my friend.”
 
“We’re best friends, Brian.”
 
“I know.”
 
“And we’ve known each other for a lot of years,” Mikey finished on the other
end.  Brian tried not to roll his eyes at Michael’s obvious statement.  “And I
would think that it would count for something.”
 
“I know, alright, fuck!”  Brian leaned back on the couch, and kicked off his
shoes so that he could rest his feet on the coffee table in front of him.  “So
what’s up?”
 
“I think that Ted and Emmett are having trouble,” Michael informed Brian.  “And
mom and that detective are getting a lot closer.”
 
“No shit.  Since when?” Brian asked.  The thought of Debbie and that Detective
getting ‘biblical’ scared Brian to no end.  “Have they done it?”
 
“How the hell should I know?. . . I think so. . . god, that is not what I want
to think about.”
 
“Fuck,” Brian laughed. 
 
“Shut up.  You shouldn’t make fun of my torment.”
 
“So how’s the good ol’ professor?”
 
“We’re doing okay.  In fact, I’m going to be moving in with him later this
month,” Brian heard Mikey explain, obviously happy.
 
“Well good for you, Mikey,” he stated genially.  He was happy for Mikey.  Brian
liked Ben, and knew that Ben was good for his friend.  Ben was definitely
better than that damn doctor. 
 
“So how are things with Justin?”
 
“They’re going alright,” Brian answered Mikey’s question.  Mikey was asking
Brian about what was going on with Justin, and Brian knew that he wasn’t quite
ready to share that with his friends.
 
“Are you two a couple again?” Mikey asked.
 
 “Stay out of it, Mikey.”
 
“But. . .”
 
“You heard me.  That topic is off limits.”
 
“Why? I tell you what’s going on between Ben and me.  Why can’t I know what’s
going on with Justin and you?  What are you two not working out?  Did he leave
you, did you leave him?  What?  Won’t you talk to me about it?”
 
“No, I’m not discussing that with you or anyone else.”
 
“Why not?”
 
“Because it’s none of your business,” Brian said as he lifted his hand to pinch
the bridge of his nose.  He hated that Mikey always wanted to know what was
going on between him and Justin.  Mikey was one of the reasons – in Brian’s
book anyway – that the two had broken up in the first place.  Mikey had never
really liked Justin, and Brian wasn’t sure how the two would get along now.  He
just wasn’t ready to find out.
 
“None of my business?  How can you say that, Brian?  I’m your best friend,”
Mikey said shocked at Brian’s dodging of the subject. 
 
“That’s what I said. . . Jesus, Mikey, it’s not like we’re some old married
couple.”
 
“You sure about that?” Mikey said.  Taking a deep breath, Brian heard him
continue – effectively changing the subject.  “So how many hot guys have you
fucked down there?”
 
“Fuck you,” Brian said playfully.  Brian looked up at Justin and saw the young
man working hard at dinner.  In his talk with Mikey, Brian had to try and think
about what he was saying to the other man.  Brian wasn’t ready to let everyone
in Pittsburgh know about what he and Justin had been up to, let alone what
their relationship now was.  ‘Hell, I don’t even know,’he thought.  Brian hated
lying to his friend, but he just wasn’t ready to share it with them either.  
The fact that Mikey thought that all he was doing down here was fucking around
hurt him to no end.  “Listen, Mikey, I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’ll talk to
you later,” he said, as he hung up the phone. 
 
Brian knew that for some reason, Mikey always had a way of bringing out the
worst in him.  Mikey just couldn’t see that Brian had changed, and Brian wasn’t
sure that Mikey would ever be able to see it.  He could only hope that Mikey
would be able to accept him for who he really was now.  He wasn’t ready to lose
the one person who had always been there for him.  He knew he could, as long as
he had Justin there to help him through.  “So what’s for dinner?  I’m hungry,
then ready to crash,” Brian said as he made his way over to the table. 
 
************
 
Brian was sitting in his office, looking over the ad for the Parkerson
account.  He was in a foul mood since Vance’s call earlier.  Vance had told him
that he would get the account or else.  Brian didn’t know what the ‘or else’
part consisted of, but all he knew was that he was sick and tired of having to
prove himself to that man.  He had worked his ass off for him, and before him,
Ryder.  He didn’t have to prove himself to anyone – let alone a little fucking
weasel like Vance Gardner.  Brian punched the button on his phone summoning
Cynthia to his office.  “You wanted to see me?” she asked, as she walked into
the lion’s den.
 
Brian threw the designs on the corner of his desk and looked her straight in
the eye.  “Yeah, tell Rick to scratch this fucking design.  It sucks.  Also
tell him that I expect THREE new designs on my desk no later than 8 a.m. on
Thursday morning.  Is that understood?” Brian said, turning back to his
computer. 
 
Cynthia just grabbed the designs and made her way out of the office.  Once
there she sat down at her desk, and picked up her phone to make the one phone
call she didn’t want to make.  She knew that Justin would be pissed, and she
silently prayed that Justin would come up here and calm her boss down.  Since
this account had come in, Brian had been a bear to work with.  She hated what
it was doing to him, seeing the “old Brian Kinney” emerging slowly.  She knew
that Brian would leave for a couple of hours when he had decided to stay the
night there, and he would go out to one of the many bars nearby.  She could
only guess as to what he would be doing during his long lunch and dinner
breaks,  knowing that Justin didn’t accompany him.  Cynthia hoped that Brian
wouldn’t do anything to ruin what the two had, but she wasn’t so sure.  With
the pressure that Vance was giving him, Brian was resorting to things that he
knew would relieve the stress.  She only hoped that they got this account soon,
before Brian did some serious damage to both his relationship, and to himself.
 
*************
 
The next day, Justin made his way up to Brian’s office.  He had been working
hard with Kate, and Rick trying to get all of the designs done that Brian had
wanted.  Luckily they were almost finished, and Justin knew that he wanted to
at least have dinner with Brian to see what was going on.  He had been upset
with Brian’s attitude toward his group these past couple of days, so he hadn’t
made an effort to try and talk to the other man.  Justin knew that if he had,
they both would’ve said things that they would’ve regretted.  Now, Justin had
calmed down enough that he felt he could talk rationally to his lover – explain
to Brian that they needed a break every now and then.  To remind Brian that
they were feeling the pressure as well and he didn’t have to take it all out on
them.  Justin wanted to talk to Brian about maybe hiring on some new people so
that they wouldn’t have to be this pressured.  Justin wasn’t sure that he,
Rick, or Kate could take much more of this constant strain.  All of their
individual relationships were taking a beating, because they were ‘the best
that the firm had to offer.’  They needed a break, and Justin wanted to ask
Brian if they could just back off for a while.  Let the three of them relax
with something easy just for once.
 
Justin knew that they were impossible demands, since a lot of their clients
wouldn’t do business with anyone but the three of them, but damn!  Justin was
not sure he could take it much longer without some sort of vacation.  As he
reached Cynthia’s desk, he smiled.  Justin was glad that Brian had brought her
with him when he transferred down here.  She was the only one that Justin knew
who could put up with Brian at work.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to do it on a
daily basis.  Home was one thing – but work?  ‘You couldn’t pay me enough,’
Justin thought.  “Hey, Justin what can I do for you?”  she asked him as he
reached her desk.  He had resorted back to his wheelchair, since after working
and drawing for almost two days straight, he knew that there would be no way in
hell he’d be able to maneuver around with the crutches.
 
Justin nodded over to Brian’s door, and shrugged.  “Is Brian busy?  I was going
to see if he wanted to grab a bite to eat.”
 
Cynthia took a deep breath, and Justin was instantly alarmed.  “Actually he
already left for dinner.  I’m sorry,” she said honestly.  Justin could tell
that she was hiding something from him, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to
know.  “I’ll tell him you stopped by though.”
 
Justin just shook his head.  “That’s okay, I’ll just catch him later.  Thanks,”
Justin said as he made his way out of the office and toward the lobby where his
friends were.  Spotting them, Justin went over to them.  “Brian’s not coming,”
he said to them.
 
Rick only nodded, as Kate placed her hand on his shoulder.  They both knew that
the couple hadn’t spent much time together in the past couple of weeks since
this account had been thrown at them.  “It’s okay, I’m sure we’ll catch up with
him later.”

”Yeah, after all of this shit is done,” Kate said.  “Then we’ll have one hell
of a party, and get all of our significant others a very expensive present for
putting up with our crap these past couple of weeks,” she said with a smile.
 
Justin knew that his relationship hadn’t been the only one that was suffering,
and he was grateful that his friends understood where he was coming from. 
“Yeah, but between Brian and I, who would buy the present?” Justin asked
shaking his head.  “Fuck it, let’s go eat.”
 
“Dave and Busters?” Rick asked.  After Justin and Kate agreed, the three headed
toward Rick’s car and left to eat.  When the three arrived, they found a table
and ordered their food.  Justin began to relax for the first time in days.  He
had been upset with the distance that he and Brian had been having lately, but
more upset that he hadn’t had a chance to make love to Brian in over a week. 
All Justin knew was that when this was over, he was going to take Brian as far
away from everything as possible for a little while.  ‘Maybe a small cabin up
by Lake Lanier,’ Justin thought.  ‘Anywhere that does not have electronics,
telephones, whatever.’
 
Once the food arrived, the three settled into easy conversation about what they
were planning on doing with the bonus money they would get out of this account,
and what they would do when this was over.  Justin tried not to smile at Kate’s
plans to go to some nudist beach, and get piss drunk.  The image that she had
woven caused Justin to cringe slightly, which caused his two friends to laugh
at his discomfort.  Trying to hide the sudden blush that was creeping up on
him, Justin looked around the room.  Almost immediately he spotted something by
the bar that caused his breath to catch in his throat. Standing at the bar,
with his arm around someone and a beer in his hand was Brian.  Justin could
tell that Brian was on his way to getting drunk, and although Justin had told
Brian that he could trick if he wanted to, seeing the signs of it caused a pain
deep within his heart.  Looking closer at the two men at the bar, he realized
that the other man couldn’t be a trick.  Brian wasn’t acting like he was ‘on
the prowl’, and the way that Brian was hanging on the man didn’t appear to be
his usual ‘come hither’ look. 
 
Even though it appeared that Brian wasn’t there to trick, the fact that he had
come out without Justin to lose himself in drugs and/or alcohol – hurt Justin
deeply.  Justin felt a hand on his arm, which forced him away from the scene
before him.  “You okay?” Kate asked.
 
Justin only nodded, and then took a deep breath.  “You guys ready to go?” he
asked.  The sooner he got away from there the better.
 
He saw Rick look over to where Justin had been looking before, then stand. 
“Let’s get the fuck out of here.  I’ll take care of the bill, and I’ll meet you
out by the car,” he said, as he left the two to pay the bill.  When Justin and
Kate left the room, Rick paid the bill – swearing that he would have a talk
with Mr. Kinney, or better yet he would send Marsha over to talk to the other
man. 
 
*******************
 
Brian walked into the house, and sat down on the couch, ripping off his tie. 
All he wanted to do was pass out.  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
came a loud voice from across the room. 

Brian sat up straight, silently cursing through his headache, wondering why and
how he could’ve missed seeing someone else in the house.  ‘I must be more
fucked up then I thought,’  he cursed himself.  “What the fuck are you doing
here?  Better yet, how the fuck did you get in?” Brian said as he leaned back
on the couch.  He didn’t want to have any sort of conversation with this person
– not when his defenses were shot.  “And will you please keep it down; my head
feels like it’s about ready to explode.”
 
Brian saw the figure move over to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front
of him, and he knew that whatever she was going to say wasn’t going to be
pretty.  If there was one thing that he had learned about this woman, it was
that she didn’t hold back.  “I’m here because you need me.  I got in because
you and Justin made sure I had a key, and NO I will NOT keep it down.  I don’t
fucking care if your head is going to explode, ‘cause mister, when I get done
with you. . . you’re going to wish it would.”
 
“What the fuck did I do now?” he asked.  He really didn’t want to deal with
Marsha now.
 
“What are you doing, Brian?  I want to understand what is going on with you,”
she said in a quieter voice, as she laid her hands on his knees.  “What’s going
on?”
 
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian said, as he stood up to get
himself a drink from the liquor cabinet.  “Nothing is going on.  We’re just
really busy right now with this fucking project, that we haven’t had time to do
much of anything.”
 
“So you resort to your old self.  The same old self that you told me you never
wanted to emerge again.  The same old self that you hated,” she asked him.
 
Brian set the bottle down on the counter without opening it, and thought about
what she had said.  Was he resorting back to the comfortable routine of
drinking, drugs, and sex?  ‘Okay, so I haven’t fucked anyone, but I can’t say
the same about the other two options,’ he said to himself.  “It’s not what you
think,” he said.
 
“Then tell me.  Something must have happened that made you resort to that old
façade that you held for so long.  Something must have pushed you to this
place,” Marsha simply stated as she made her way to stand in front of him. 
“What happened, Brian?”
 
Brian closed his eyes, and though about the past couple of weeks.  Before this
account came up, he could’ve said that without a doubt, he and Justin would be
together forever.  But now, these past couple of weeks, Brian’s old doubts had
resurfaced.  Brian walked back to the couch, and sat down, placing his head
back on the cushion behind his head.  “This damn account has all of us running
around, trying to get things perfect.  Justin and I haven’t had a chance to
really spend time together.  Either he’s been working late, or I have.  Fuck,
the last time we sat down to eat together was over a fucking week ago.  And
don’t ask me when the last time we made love was.”
 
“Are you feeling neglected, Brian?” she asked, sitting next to him on the
couch.
 
“Yes. . . No . . . Fuck, I don’t know.  It’s just that with this account, and
Vance, and Mikey. . . Then with Justin not here. . . Fuck,” Brian cursed as he
ran his hands through his hair.  He hated that he had felt so out of control
these past couple of weeks.  He had known he was falling back with ease on the
‘asshole Kinney’ attitude, and no matter what he had tried to do, he hadn’t
been able to stop it.  “I’m trying to change.  I am.  I’m trying to be more
open about things with Justin, with everyone. . . it’s just that it’s not that
easy.”
 
“I know that it’s hard for you to change, Brian.  It’s not easy for anyone, but
you need to sit back and think things through.  When you try to go back to what
was comfortable before, what do you feel like after it happens?  Especially now
that you have already made the steps to change?  What do you feel now?” she
asked him.
 
“I feel like the world’s biggest asshole.  Fuck, if Justin found out. . . “
 
“He already did,” she answered him.  Brian sat straight up on the couch and
looked at her in disbelief.  “He saw you today, at the bar.  Rick called me . .
. and here I am.”
 
“Fuck,” Brian yelled.  “Fuck.  He fucking hates me now, doesn’t he?”
 
“I wouldn’t say that.  I haven’t talked to him, but I’m sure he’s hurt.  But I
know he could never hate you.”
 
“Why do I always do this,” Brian asked himself.  “Why do I always resort to old
comforts when things get tough?  It’s what ruined my relationship with Mark,
with Justin before. . . I can’t lose Justin now.”
 
“Who’s Mark,” Marsha asked.

Brian stood and began to pace the small living room.  “He was this guy in
college.  We were seeing each other for about a year.”
 
“Did you love each other?” she asked.
 
Brian paused in his path to the window, and looked out.  “Maybe, I don’t know. 
I cared about him, but I don’t know if it was love or not.”
 
“What happened?”
 
“It was my senior year, and I was trying to find a job, get out into the world,
you know.  Finals were coming up, and he started to pressure me to move away
with him to California or somewhere,” Brian told her, remembering that time so
many years ago.  “I was feeling pressure from him, work, school, Lindsey,
Mikey, hell everyone, and I just couldn’t handle it.  So I went on a fucking
month long binge.  I don’t think I was sober for that entire month.”  Brian
turned back to face Marsha and shrugged his shoulders.  “I turned into my
father for that month.  I drank, I fucked, I even fucking hit him once. 
Anyway, Mark couldn’t handle it – not that I blame him – so he left.  I never
saw him again.”
 
Marsha sat there looking at him with understanding in her eyes.  “Is that why
it’s so hard for you to commit fully to Justin?  Because you’re afraid that
you’ll do the same thing to him that you did to Mark?”
 
Brian sat back down on the couch and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his
knees.  “I don’t know. . .maybe.  I could never hurt Justin.”
 
“But you have, you know you have.  Maybe not physically, but in a way that is
much worse.”
 
“Fuck,” Brian exclaimed, resting his face in his hands.  “What can I do?  How
can I stop this?  I can’t lose him, Marsha, I can’t.”
 
“Brian,” she began as she grabbed hold of his hand.  “You need to let go.  Let
go of your past, completely.  You’re not Jack Kinney, you’re not your mother,
you’re not the same person you were a year ago.  Let go of the façade that you
want people to see, and let them see who you really are.  You’re not the person
that Michael used to know, or who your mother thinks you are.  You’re the man
that Justin fell in love with, the man that WE all love and care for.  Don’t
allow yourself to fall into the pattern of destruction that you have allowed
yourself to live for the past however many years.  You’ve changed; you’ve
allowed yourself to change.  Don’t fall back on something that will only
destroy you in the end.”
 
“I don’t know how,” Brian informed her. 
 
“We’ll help you, I told you that.  I’ll be here for you, helping you through
it.  But you have to let us help you.  You don’t always have to be strong,
Brian.  You have to let us in.”  Marsha stood and grabbed her coat.  “I think
you need to go back to Pittsburgh for a little while,” she said.  Brian looked
up at her with confusion in his eyes.  “You need to let go of that past, and no
matter what, you can’t do that this far away.  Your past is there, Brian.  This
is your future.  You need to let go.  Show them that you are stronger than
that.  Show them the real you.  Only then can you put it all behind you, and
commit fully to Justin.  If that’s what you want, you have to let go.”  Marsha
bent down and looked him in the eye.  “I’ll be there if you need me.  I’m only
a phone call away.  Don’t shut us out.  We all love you, Brian, no matter
what.”
 
“Thanks,” he said, as she made her way to the door and left.   Brian sat there
the rest of the night trying to decide what he was going to do, and how he was
going to change.  He wasn’t sure he could let go of the past – it was who he
was.  Could he let it all go, and still be the person he would recognize? 
Brian knew he had to think about what Marsha had told him.  If he didn’t at
least think about it, he would lose the best thing that had ever happened to
him in his 31 years of life.  Was he ready to give up Justin?  That answer was
easy – no.  But he wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go of his past.  It would
be something that he would have to decide, and soon, before it was too late for
him and Justin.
 
****************
 
By late Thursday afternoon, Brian had already made plans to start on his new
path with Justin.  He had stayed awake the night before, thinking about what he
wanted, and after they had gotten the account signed sealed and delivered,
Brian knew what he wanted to do.  Vance had wanted Brian to bring the contract
to him directly, and Brian knew at that moment that he would have to do what
Marsha had suggested.  He only hoped that Justin would understand.  He hoped
that Justin could forgive him for the past couple of weeks, and hold off doing
anything until he came back from Pittsburgh.  As the two headed down Interstate
400, Brian would glance over at Justin occasionally.  Justin hadn’t said a word
to him in the past couple of days, and Brian was beginning to wonder if it was
already too late for them – if he hadn’t already lost.
 
“I have to head up to Pittsburgh tomorrow to give Vance the contracts,” Brian
said, hoping to pull Justin into a conversation.
 
“Oh, okay, whatever,” Justin replied and continued to look out the window at
the passing scenery. 
 
The two remained silent for the remainder of the trip home.  When Brian
followed Justin into their home, he took a deep breath, and knew that he
wouldn’t be able to get on the plane the next day with the younger man mad at
him.  “Justin,” Brian began.  Justin turned to Brian and looked him in the
eyes.  “I’m sorry.”
 
“For what?  You have nothing to be sorry for, Brian.  Forget it.  We’ve both
been under a lot of stress and I understand,” Justin said as he made his way
over to the couch to lie down.
 
Brian walked over and sat down on the floor beside the couch so that he could
run his hands through Justin’s hair.  “No, it’s not okay.  I’ve been an asshole
to you, and Kate, and Rick.  I’ve ignored you, lied to you. . . I started going
back to the way it was before.  And for that I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Brian,” Justin said, looking up at Brian.
 
“It’s not.  I had a long talk with Marsha, and I think I realize what
happened.  I don’t want to lose you, Justin.  I can’t lose you,” Brian said,
laying his head down on Justin’s chest.
 
“You’re not, Brian.  I don’t think I could live without you.  No matter what,
you’re stuck with me,” Justin said as he began to run his hand up and down
Brian’s back.

”You shouldn’t have to put up with me when I’m like that.  You deserve better
than that,” Brian said.  Removing his head from Justin’s chest, he looked the
younger man in the eye.  “I love you, Justin Taylor.  And I’m going to try and
do right by you.”

“What do you mean?” Justin asked, confused.

”Marsha told me that I needed to let go, really let go.  I plan on doing just
that . . . when I’m up there in Pittsburgh.  I need to lay my demons to rest. 
I need to let it all go.  If we’re going to survive, I need to do this.  For
you, for me, and for us.  Mainly for me.”  Brian saw that Justin was about to
protest – telling him that he didn’t need to change – but Brian knew that he
had to, for himself.  He had to let go, ‘cause if he didn’t, then he would
never be able to continue with Justin.  “Don’t.  I have to do this for myself,
Justin.  And when I get back, I promise that we’ll take a nice long vacation,
and I’ll make the last couple of weeks up to you.”
 
Brian saw the tears as they began to flow down his lover’s cheeks, and he
reached out to wipe them away.  “I love you, Brian.”
 
“I love you too, Baby.  Things will be better, I promise,” Brian promised, as
he leaned in and lightly kissed Justin’s lips.  Brian leaned his head back on
Justin’s chest, letting the steady beat of his lover’s heart lull him to a
peaceful sleep.  “I promise,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.
 
“I’ll always love you, Brian,” he heard Justin reply as he allowed himself to
fall asleep in his lover’s embrace.  He’d deal with everything starting
tomorrow, but for now, he was happy, and content.  He felt loved.
 
 

 
 For All Time Interlude #6
                                  By: Acacia
                                        
                           You think you're special
                                    You do
                           I can see it in your eyes
                       I can see it when you laugh at me
                                Look down on me
                             You walk around on me
                              Just one more fight
                             About your leadership
                            And I will straight up
                                Leave your shit
                         Cause I've had enough of this
                              And now I'm pissed
                                     Yeah
                     This time I'm 'a let it all come out
                      This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
                            I'm 'a do things my way
                                  It's my way
                            My way, or the highway
                            --My Way by Limp Bizkit
Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
 
Told in Brian’s POV
 
The moment I get off of the plane in Pittsburgh, I begin to feel this sudden
dread.  I can’t explain it, I don’t even know what the hell it is, or why I’m
feeling this way.  Fuck!  I am so fucked up lately that I can’t even think
straight.  Marsha made sure to let me know before I left that I could call her
day or night if I wanted to talk, and somehow I think that after this week back
in my old stomping grounds, I may need a taste of what is important in my life
now.  I only wish Justin were here with me, but I know that mentally he’s still
not fully ready to deal with all the shit that happened here.  I can’t blame
him for that either.  He’s been through so much these past couple of years that
it surprises me that he hadn’t tried to kill himself before.  
 
Just thinking about his suicide attempt scares me to death.  I know that I
can’t live without him anymore, and the thought that he was in so much pain
that he felt he had no other recourse than to end it all – hell, I don’t know
what I would’ve done if he had succeeded.  I guess that’s the real reason why
I’m here.  I have to try and get past this – as Justin calls it – “Brian ‘Fuck
Machine, I don’t give a shit’ Kinney”.  If I don’t try and put all – if not
some – of these damn demons that haunt me day and night to rest, then I can
forget about any future with Justin.  No matter what he says, I know that if I
go back to the way I was before, then he’ll leave me again.  And that is
something that I never want to go through again.  We’ve come so far in these
past couple of months – grown closer together, in a way that I never thought
possible.  He’s more a part of me than he ever was before.  What’s even more
frightening is that it doesn’t scare me like I thought it would. 
 
At least that was before I stepped off that damn plane here in Pittsburgh. 
 
So here I am heading through the parking lot toward my rental car, wishing I
was anywhere but here.  It’s too late in the day to head to the office, since
I’m sure that Vance is gone for the day, and I know that I am NOT ready to face
the others yet.  I decide that just going to the hotel tonight is the best idea
in the world.  I need to try and decide how I’m going to handle this week with
the guys.  I have to confront them, but I don’t know how to do that, or even
what to say.  I don’t know why I have this urge to tell them all to leave me
the fuck alone, but I know that I can’t live without Mikey.  He’s been there
for me for a hell of a long time, and I’m not ready to burn that bridge – I
can’t burn that bridge.  But there are things that I have to find out, things
that I have to know, and things that I have to tell them all.  I need them –
especially Mikey – to be there for me now.  I need them to be able to accept
the fact that I’ve changed – that I’m different.  I don’t know how or what I’m
going to do, but I can only hope that if they are truly my friends, they will
allow me this one thing. 
 
I head toward the loft – since I never sold the thing when I left here.  I was
never really sure if I was going to come back here or not.  I wasn’t sure if
this thing with Justin would work out, and I always make sure that I have a
back-up plan.  My plans were to rent the space out, and luckily there is no one
living here now.  Slowly I open the large metal door and step inside – placing
my bags beside the bar, and walk in.  The furniture is scarce, since I had
taken all of my shit down to Atlanta with me, but I made sure that there was at
least a bed, phone, and couch.  This damn loft has never felt this empty to
me.  All I want at that moment is to be back at home with Justin – since this
place no longer feels like home to me.  Maybe I have been away too long, I
don’t know.  I hate that I had to come up here now, since Justin has a doctor’s
appointment on Thursday to see how his leg is healing.  What if it isn’t
healing right?  What if he will never walk again?  Why the hell can’t I be
there for him during this time?  Fuck!
 
I go to the phone and dial the number I know by heart and wait for him to pick
up.  Despite the late hour – it’s really only 10 – I know that Justin will be
up.  I told him I’d call as soon as I got in.  “Hello,” Justin said on the
other line.
 
“Hey, baby,” I say back to him. 
 
“How’s the weather up there?”  I can almost see him smiling at me, laughing at
me.  God, he needs to be punished for that little remark.
 
“It’s cold, snowy, and shitty.  What the hell do you think it is?  It’s
February in Pittsburgh,” I joke back at him.  “So what’s it like there?”  I
know full well what it’s like down there.  Cold, but not as cold as here.  It’s
most likely sixty or so.
“Not too bad,” he explained.  “I’ve got a fire in the fireplace going, and I’m
just sitting here working on my application.”  I smile a little at that. 
Justin and I had been talking a lot lately about him going back to school, and
I’m glad that he’s going to continue.  He deserves to have an education, and
knowing that he’s going back to get his art degree warms me up from the
inside. 
 
“So have you talked to the Dean yet?”
 
“Yep, this afternoon as a matter of fact.  I can transfer my credits from PIFA
down without any problems; I just need to get a copy of my transcripts from
there.  But that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.  The Art Institute down
here has a little different program, but I think I found the area I need to be
in.  We’ll see, though.”
 
I’m glad that they are going to let him in.  He has worked hard these past
couple of months to get his hand back to where – or at least close to where –
it was before the accident.  Of course it will never be as good as it was
before Hobbs, but to me he will always be the best damn artist I’ve ever seen. 
He needs his art, and knowing that he’s going to be able to follow his dream
once again is the best damn news I have gotten in a long time.  “I’ll stop by
the Institute tomorrow after I get done with my meeting and pick one up.”
 
“Thanks.”  I can almost hear Justin’s mind working, as he thinks about what he
wants to say next.  “So are you going to see the guys tomorrow?”
 
There it was.  I know he’s worried about me, hell, I’m worried about me – but I
know that I have to try and ease his mind.  I’m not going to leave him.  I
didn’t come up here to ‘relive my old days’.  I didn’t come here to distance us
so that I can go back down there only to leave him.  I know he’s scared, but he
has no reason to be.  “I don’t know, maybe.  Don’t worry, Justin.  I’ll be
fine,” I tell him trying to ease his fears.
 
“Brian, you know that you don’t have to do this.  Not for me.  I don’t care
about any of that shit.  I love you,” he informs me.  I know he’s right, but
what type of partner would I be if I did put him through all of that shit? 
What type of man would treat his lover the way I have treated him in the past? 
I have to put an end to it before I destroy him, and that’s what I’m going to
do.  No matter what the cost. 
 
“Justin, I’m not doing it for you,” I tell him.  Really, I’m not doing for
him.  I’m doing this for me . . . for us.  I have to be the man that he
deserves.  I have to at least try.  “Don’t worry about a thing.  I’ll be back
next Tuesday, and then we’re going away for a couple of days.  Just the two of
us.”

“Any idea where we’re going?  Or are you going to keep me in the dark,” he
asked me.  I know that it’s been killing him to be in the dark, since I
mentioned us going away.  I have just the place in mind, but I’m not going to
tell him that.  Of course I can’t hide anything from him, so he knows that I
have something already planned, but I’m not telling him.  “Come on, Brian,” he
whines.  God I love it when he says my name like that.  It makes me instantly
hard.  Fuck!  Why am I here again, and not there fucking him into the ground? 
“How am I supposed to pack if I don’t know where we’re going?  How am I
supposed to know what to wear?  Are we going somewhere warm, cold . . . Just
tell me,” he begs. 
 
“Pack warm clothes, and that’s all I’m telling you, so don’t ask again,” I tell
him with a smile on my face.  I can just picture us now – walking along the
beach late at night, sitting in the tropical sun together.  It should be a very
interesting trip.  I can’t wait to take him for a longer trip than just the
couple days I have planned now, but that will have to wait until Summer, or at
least later in the year.  One day soon, I’m going to take him to Europe; I know
he dreams about going there.  But for right now, a couple of days on the beach
will have to do.  Especially for what I have planned.
 
“You are no fun,” he informs me.  I know he’s joking, but he’s also trying to
sound hurt so I’ll tell him.  Fat chance of that happening.
 
“That’s not what you said last night,” I say back to him. 
 
“Asshole,” he laughs.
 
“Listen, I better get unpacked and get some sleep so that I can face Vance
tomorrow.”
 
“Sounds like fun.”
 
“In whose life?”  I know I should just say good-bye and hang up, but I  can’t
bring myself to do that.  I’ve only been gone a couple of hours, but already it
seems like forever.  Just a couple of hours back here in this place is draining
me – I can feel it.  I don’t want to lose this connection with what I know I
have to do – with what I want. 
 
“You get plenty of sleep.  And Brian,” he begins.  I know what he’s doing, and
I’m grateful that he can still see through to what needs to be done.  He can
tell that we need to say good night – never NEVER goodbye.  I hate that word. 
He also knows that it’s killing me to say it.
 
“Yeah,” I ask, wondering what’s going on in that head of his.
 
“Don’t worry about a thing.  Remember you are doing this for you – it’s
something that you feel you have to do.  I’m proud of you for taking this
step.”  I can almost feel the tears forming behind my eyes at his words. 
Hearing someone say how proud he is of me is something that I haven’t heard a
lot in my life.  Someone is proud of ME!  “Just remember, they are your
friends, and they love you no matter what.  Don’t give up on them or yourself. 
If things get bad, just call me.  Just remember what we have planned for next
week – even though you won’t tell me,” he says the last part as a joke.  I have
to smile slightly.  He always has a way of grounding me.  “Love you.”
 
“Love you too, baby.  Talk to you tomorrow.”
“Later,” he says.

“Later,” I whisper back.  I hang up the phone, and grab my bags.  After
unpacking, I collapse on the bed, wishing for the millionth time that day that
Justin was there with me.
 
**************
 
It’s early morning when I make my way through Vanguard Headquarters toward
Vance’s office.  I want to get in there and get out as soon as I can.  I can
almost bet that he’s going to try and get me to work on some fuckup that
someone did, or get me to do something that he feels he’s too important to do. 
I already told Vance, after he fucking practically begged me – that I would
stay here for a week to help him get things finalized on this account, but
nothing else.  I just know he’s going to try and get me to do other shit. 
That’s just the way he is.  Well, fuck that.  I don’t plan on working long
hours this week.  I just want to get this shit over with so that I can go on
vacation, especially since Justin and I haven’t been on a vacation ever.  Our
last attempt was ruined because of business and I’ll be damned if I’m going to
let this one get ruined as well.  Fuck that.
 
I walk up to his secretary’s desk and ask to see my partner.  She checks with
him via the speaker, and I am let in immediately.  As soon as I get in, I place
the file on his desk and sit down in the chair across from him.  “The Parkerson
account just like you asked.  Signed, sealed, and delivered,” I say, trying to
keep the smugness out of my voice.  Once again, I saved his ass by getting one
of the – no THE largest account this firm has yet to get.  I know that it must
eat him alive to know that I have been able to get all these accounts, when in
the past he had so much trouble even getting in the door to see these people. 
I know that this account was one of the ones, just like Brown Athletics, he was
unable to get. 
 
“Excellent.  I’m sure that everything is in order.”  Vance said as he begins to
look over the contract and the copy of the ad Rick had done.  “I received a
call from Marcus Franco,” he begins.  Marcus Franco is the CEO of the Parkerson
Estates.  They are a world-renowned agency dealing with some high-class travel
– the type of people that only the rich and famous deal with.  The fact that
they are broadening their horizons throughout the world is an added plus for
Vanguard.  “Mr. Franco was quite impressed with the work that you did down
there, and was amazed with the talent and class of people who we have in the
Atlanta office.”  I could’ve told him that, but I keep my mouth shut.  There
are times to be a smart ass and this wasn’t one of them.  He was getting to his
point here somewhere, and I would just have to wait to see what he wanted to
really say.  “I can say that I am also impressed by the whole campaign.  Who
were the ones who handled this account?”
 
Now I definitely have to watch what I say.  If Vance were to know about my
relationship with Justin, I don’t know what he would think.  Not that I really
care, but it could reflect badly on Justin, and that’s not something that I
want him to have to go through right now.  He has enough problems with some of
his co-workers because of his relationship with the ‘boss’.  Besides Vance
doesn’t need to fucking know.  “Rick Johnson, Kate Richards, and Justin
Taylor.”
 
“Yes, a fine group, from what I hear.  They have been a great asset to this
firm.  And from what I understand they are the very reason why we have some of
the accounts that we do.”  Vance just looks at me with his hands steepled
together and fingers pressed to his lower lip, deep in thought.  He’s trying to
get me to say something, but I refuse and keep the mask of indifference on my
face.  Let him try and figure it out.  “In fact,  Mr. Franco tells me that he
will work with no one else.  He wants these three to be the only ones to work
on his account.”
 
This news doesn’t really surprise me, since there are a lot of accounts that
will not be handled by anyone else but those three.  A lot of the people who
come in, come to us because of Rick, Kate, and Justin.  They are amazing; no
one can deny that.  “He told me the same thing before he left on Monday,” I
inform Vance.  I continue to wonder where the hell he’s going with this, but I
continue to keep my mouth shut. 
 
“I’m sure that they have been working hard on this account for a while now, and
we can’t let them get over worked,” he stated.  Now I see where he’s going with
this. 
 
I try not to laugh, cause I know he is trying to figure out a way to keep the
three of them with the firm.  He’s worried that they’ll pack up and go to
bigger and better things.  Vance sees dollar signs – he sees the three as a
solid investment, a way of making more money.  Not that I can blame him, I’ve
thought the same thing, but I, at least, see them as people, where he doesn’t. 
“I wouldn’t worry about that too much, I gave them all next week off.  They all
had brought to my attention their long hours and the effect on their personal
lives, so I told them to take a week off to regroup.” 
 
“Good.  Excellent.  But I was actually thinking of a little more than a week
off.”  Okay, now I’m interested.  I had thought about giving them all a raise,
but I have to be careful what I do with Justin since I don’t really want people
to think that I’m paying him for something that isn’t the truth.  I don’t need
people to think that I’m paying him to be with me.  Fuck that.  Fortunately,
Vance had already prepared the proper documents to give them all a raise.  I
can’t help but think of how Justin and I will celebrate this new raise. 
 
We continue to talk about what will be happening for the rest of the week, and
by lunch time I take my leave for the day.  When I leave the office, I head
straight for PIFA to get Justin’s transcripts, then it’s off to the diner.  I
know I should wait for this confrontation – the one I know I’m going to have –
but I don’t want to put it off any longer.  I have to start to get rid of the
old Brian Kinney so that I can begin my life with Justin. 
 
************
 
As I walk into the diner, I see that Deb is working – as usual.  She
immediately spots me, and starts to make a scene, of course.  Hell, I can’t
really blame her; the last time I saw anyone from here was back in September
when Justin was in the hospital.  “Well, I’ll be damned.  Brain Kinney coming
to hang out with us low folk.”
 
I walk over to her and kiss her lightly on the cheek.  “You are looking as
lovely as ever,” I tell her. 

She lightly hits me on the arm, and I move over to the counter.  “No need to
try and flatter me.  I know all your games,” she pretends to scold me.  I think
she saw the look on my face ‘cause she stopped and bent over the counter to
look me in the eye.  “What’s wrong, sweetie?  Is Justin okay?”

I shake my head – clearing my thoughts.  How do I tell them that they don’t
know me anymore?  They don’t know who I am now.  I begin to wonder if I can
actually do this.  What will they think?  Will they turn their backs on me?  I
don’t think I can survive if I don’t have them in my life – even if it is from
miles away.  “Justin’s fine, Deb.  In fact he’s going to be going back to
school in another month or so,” I inform her.  I am so proud of Justin that I
can’t keep it hidden.  I don’t want to either.  I know that Deb loves Justin
like one of her own; she always has and always will.  I hope to have her come
down one day this coming summer to stay with Justin and I.  I know Justin would
like that.  No matter what he may say about not being ready to face them yet, I
know that he misses each and every one of them.  Even Michael. 
 
Deb places a cup of coffee in front of me, then leans forward to rest her arms
on the counter.  “So what’s wrong?  Things are going okay for you and Sunshine
right?”
 
“Things couldn’t be better,” I tell her.  So it’s mostly true, but since we got
on this subject, I begin to feel a little defensive about my relationship with
Justin.  I remember all the times that one of us was getting yelled at or
scolded because of something.  I remember all of the looks everyone gave us,
all the sighs of defeat.  They have always judged us, and tried to fix us. 
That was part of the reason why we had some many problems here.  Everyone tried
to fix the problem – even if there wasn’t a problem, we would come up with one
‘cause everyone seemed to think that they had to make an issue out of it. 
Whatever IT was.  “I’m here on business, nothing more.  I’ll be here for a
couple of days, then I’ll be going back home.”
 
I can see that she’s pleased with what I told her, at least she’s partly
pleased.  I told her I’d be going home.  Home is wherever Justin is for me. 
It’s that simple.  Even if we had to live in a box under a bridge – if Justin
was there with me it would be home.  But it was the look that she gave me.  The
quick flash in her eyes.  The look that said ‘don’t screw this up.’  I want to
yell, I want to scream, but I don’t.  Instead, I just level my eyes to her own,
and calmly tell her how it is.  “I don’t trick, Deb, so you can forget about
it.  I love Justin, and I’m not going to fuck it up.”
 
Suddenly she reaches across the counter and pulls me into a tight hug,
practically crying on my shoulder.  “You little fuck.  I knew you could do it. 
I’m so fucking proud of you.”
I feel a little embarrassed as people in the diner turn to look at the
display.  “Okay, Deb.  Fuck,” I say as I pull away from her.  “Can we keep the
motherly love display down to a minimum?  It’s not a big deal.”
 
“The fuck it ain’t,” she says, hitting me upside the head.  I try not to
laugh.  I forgot what it was like having Deb around all the time, and I find
myself missing it.  “You’ve finally grown up.  I never thought I’d live to see
the day.”
 
“It’s no big deal.  Justin told me that he didn’t care, but . . .” I begin. 
That was something that had been bothering me from the moment Justin had said
that.  No matter what he said, I knew that if I did go and fuck around it would
kill him.  Things would never be the same.  I would destroy the one thing in my
life that means anything to me, and I won’t do that.  “I can’t do that to him,”
I honestly say to her.  I know that Deb will understand.  She may think I’m an
asshole, but she has always been supportive of Justin’s and my relationship. 
Okay, so she was a little TOO supportive at times, but that’s just the way she
is.  Deb won’t let anyone mess with one of her boys, even if it is one of her
boys that is doing the messing. 
 
“Atlanta has been good for you,” she tells me with a sad smile.  I know she
misses Justin and I, but she’s happy that we’re back together.
 
“It has.  I’m happy, Justin’s happy. . . what more could a person ask for?” I
say with a smile.  And it isn’t a lie.  I am happy.  I love Justin, and I won’t
let anything come between us again.  Especially not my fucked up past.  This is
why I really came here.  It wasn’t to see Gardner Vance; it was to try and get
support from my family.  It was to let them know that I’ve changed.  Deb can
see that, and she’ happy for me.  Knowing that she’s supportive and that she’ll
be there for me like she always had in the past, makes me happy.  Deb never let
me willingly fuck something up, especially when she knew that I could do
better, and deserved better.  She told me once when I was little that one day I
would wake up and wish to change my life around – that I would be able to get
past all the shit that Joanie and Jack Kinney did to me.  I thought I had done
that when I went to college – and after graduation, became a top ad executive. 
How wrong I was.  In truth it started to happen the night of Justin’s prom, and
finally came to a conclusion when he left my life a year ago.  Justin made me
WANT to change, and I think I actually feel better about myself now.
 
Deb and I talk for a while longer about things.  Before I go, I tell her that I
will stop by her place before I leave to talk some more.  It is nice to just
sit and talk with her.  She knows everything about me, and she won’t let me
fall flat on my face.  I love her for that.  When she moves back to continue
working, I try and think of who I wanted to see next, and the answer really is
obvious.  I almost kick myself for not going there the moment I got off the
plane the night before. 
 
***********
 
I spent the rest of the night with Lindsey, Mel, and Gus.  I never thought I
would miss my son this much, but holding him, seeing him that night sent a
sharp pain straight to my heart.  All night long I just held him close to me,
played with him, fed him, whatever I could do so that I was near him in every
way.  I talk to Lindsey about them coming down sometime in the coming months so
that Justin can see Gus.  I know that he misses him almost as much as I do.  It
would be great to see the smile on Justin’s face as we take Gus to the zoo, or
to see the laser light show at Stone Mountain.  I miss having my two boys
together all the time, and I guess I just want to spend time with the two most
important people in my life.  Lindsey says that she’ll come down, and we decide
to talk soon about the plans. 
 
After leaving the munchers, I go home, call Justin and crawl into bed.  It
seems strange sleeping without Justin beside me, but eventually I am able to
relax enough to get a couple of hours of sleep. 
 
By mid-afternoon the next day, I was once again finished with work and made my
way toward the comic book store.  I had to talk to Mikey, I had to see what he
thought of the “new” me.  Mikey is the one that I don’t think I could live
without.  He’s always been there no matter what.  Don’t get me wrong, there
have been times when we had both  wanted to kill the other, but we have always
come through it with our heads held high.  He’s the one that I need the most to
accept who I am now.  I know he doesn’t like Justin that much, he never really
did, but I can only hope that he’ll support me.  As I open the door, the little
bell goes off.  God, I hate that fucking thing.  I feel like I’m walking into a
little antique store or some stupid shit.  Mikey looks up and is in shock. 
“Hey, Mikey,” I say, right before I am engulfed in a hug.  I pull back slightly
and kiss him lightly on the cheek.  “How’s business?”  I walk over to a bin of
comics, and start to look through the selection.  Trying to remain calm and not
let him see how nervous I really was was not easy.
 
“What the hell are you doing here?  Why didn’t you tell me you were coming
home?” Mikey asked.

I cringe slightly at the questions, since I’m not sure myself how to answer
them.  “I’m here on business, Mikey, nothing else.  And I thought I’d surprise
you,” I say with a little grin.  I didn’t even say anything about this not
being home for me anymore; I didn’t think Mikey was ready to face that.  He
still believes that I will one day come back here and things will get back to
the way they were before.  I know it will crush him to know that I don’t plan
on ever coming back here for an extended amount of time.  But I know I need to
have Mikey to still be my friend, especially for what I have planned for later
on this week.  I need Mikey to be around to bail my ass out of jail if the need
arises, and the only way I can do that is to try and get him to accept me as I
am now.  Okay, so my thinking is fucked, but since when has it ever been
stable? 
 
“This is a surprise.  How long you here for?” he asks me kinda hopefully.  I
know that he wants me to stay here, but I can’t lie to him.
 
“Until Tuesday afternoon.  Then I catch the fight out to Hartsfield.  But at
least we’ve got a couple days to hang out, right?” I state, silently hoping
that things are okay between us.
 
“Tuesday?”  Fuck, he’s not happy.
 
“Yeah, Tuesday.  I can’t stay here, Mikey.  My job is there, my stuff is there,
hell, everything is down there.”
 
“Justin’s down there,” he states.  The way he says Justin’s name almost sends
me leaping across the damn bin to grab him around the throat.  I had hoped that
he had let his anger at Justin go, but obviously there is still a part of him
that will always hate Justin for what he represents in my life. 
 
“Yes, Justin’s down there,” I say slowly, as if I’m talking to a child.  I want
to get it through Mikey’s head that no matter what, Justin will be a part of my
life.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t want Mikey to be a part of it, too.  “We
live together, he’s my partner . . . and I love him,” I tell him.  I think that
this is the first time that I’ve told anyone from here that.  Well, except
maybe Lindz, but I know I have never stated this much to Mikey.  I can see the
immediate shock on his face, but he quickly tries to hide it by looking through
the bin.  It’s one thing to know it, but it’s another thing to have it verbally
stated – especially by me.  “Mikey,” I begin.  I have to get him to
understand.  “Look, just because Justin and I are together, and we will be for
a long time to come, doesn’t mean that we can’t still be friends.”
 
Mikey throws one of the comic books down on top of the others and stares at
me.  “He hurt you, Brian.  How can you forgive him for what he did to you?”
 
I take a deep breath, hoping to stay calm.  I know he means well, but I will
not let anyone talk badly about Justin.  And truth be told, no one here can say
a damn thing about our relationship.  I don’t give a fuck what they think. 
Yeah, I want their acceptance, but I don’t fucking need it.  “I hurt him too,
Mikey, or did you forget that part?” I begin.  I have to take another deep
breath ‘cause I can hear the anger rising in my voice.  Getting angry at Mikey
now is not what I had come here for.  “Look, Mikey. . . Both Justin and I have
made a lot of mistakes before, but we’ve worked through them.  It’s taken a lot
of time to get to where we are at, and I would like to think that I have your
support.  I’m fucking new at this whole relationship crap, and I need my friend
to help me through it.  To be there for me.”
 
“I honestly don’t know if I can, Brian,” he tells me.  Well, at least he’s
being fucking honest with me.  “I don’t want to see you hurt, and frankly, I
don’t trust Justin.”
 
“You don’t have to like him . . .” I begin.
 
“It’s not that, Brian. . .Fuck!”  I just stare at him.  I remember all the
times that he had told me over the years that Justin shouldn’t be there, that
he was just a little nuisance.  How can he say that he likes Justin?  I’m so
fucking confused.  “I admit I didn’t like him at first, but I can say he’s not
too bad.  I just don’t think that he’s good for you.  He’ll only hurt you
again, and I will not stand by and let it happen.”
 
“What the fuck are you planning on doing about it?” I yell.  “You have no say
in what I do, or who I see.  Dammit, Mikey.  For once in my life . . . for the
first time in my life, I am happy.  I am completely satisfied with how my life
is.  I am in love . . . and I can see myself living out my life with someone. 
So what if that person is Justin . . . I thought you’d be happy for me.  You
should be happy for me.  You know how hard it is for me to admit this type of
shit.  You know what my life has been like.  I’m trying to change for the
better, Mikey.  I’ve stopped being. . . at least I’m trying to stop being the
asshole that I have been for the past thirty-one years.”  I walk up to Mikey
and place my hands on the side of his face, forcing him to look me in the eye. 
I have to try and get through to him.  “I love him, Mikey.  I’m happy – truly
happy for the first time in my life.  I want you to be happy for me, too.  I
don’t want to lose my best friend.  I don’t think I can handle that.  Please
don’t put me in the position of having to choose between you and Justin.”
 
Mikey turns away from me, and I can only stand there and watch him.  I run my
hands through my hair in a desperate attempt to calm my nerves, but it’s not
working.  I fucking feel raw.  “I don’t know, Brian.  I just don’t know.”
 
Closing my eyes, I can only nod.  “Please think about it.  I’ll be in town till
Tuesday,” I say as I make my way to the door.  “I love you, Mikey.  I always
have . . . but I’m in love with Justin, and nothing’s going to change that. 
Think about what I said.  If you can’t accept who I am now, then we’ll just
leave it here, but if you think you can . . . and you want to continue this . .
. you know where I’ll be.”  With that I just walk out of the store without
looking back.  I can only hope he thinks about this and decides that he is
still willing to be my friend.  I’m not asking him to be Justin’s best friend .
. . I just want him to accept ME, the new me.  I want to have my friend there
with me, to support me, to laugh with me, or fucking cry with me.  I don’t want
to lose Mikey, but I will if I have to.  I won’t be put in a position to where
I have to decide between Mikey and Justin.  Mikey, no matter what will always
be in my heart, will be a part of me . . . but I can’t live without Justin.  I
know that for a fact.  Mikey would lose. 
 
***************
 
The moment I walk into the loft, I head straight to the phone, and call home. 
Since today was Justin’s doctor’s appointment, I have to know what the outcome
of it was.  I am nervous as hell, and want only the good news.  I try hard to
put my conversation with Mikey out of my mind, but it is hard.  I can’t let
Justin know about the torment that I am feeling right now.  I just can’t.  He
has so much other shit going on that he doesn’t need to know about this – at
least not yet.  “Hello,” Justin answers.  He sounds like he just woke up cause
his voice is coarse.
 
“Did I wake you?” I ask, looking at the clock.  It was still early evening –
only seven or so, and I instantly worry that something is wrong.
“Just taking a short nap.  It’s been a busy day,” he answers.  Already he
sounds better to me, and it edges the fear off a little bit.
 
“So how did the appointment go?” I ask, praying for good news.
 
“It went,” he began.  “They say that my leg is healing, just slowly.  There’s
one section of the bone that they’re a little worried about since it doesn’t
look to be healing right.”
 
“So what are they going to do about it?” I ask.  Not healing right. . . Fuck! 
I had hoped that this whole mess could be over with, but then I realize that it
only has been a couple of months.  They had said it could take a year or so
before he is healed.  Still that doesn’t make me feel any better.  I know how
much this hurts Justin – how much that Justin would like to be able to do all
the things that he used to do.  What I wouldn’t do to allow Justin to walk
normally down the street, to be able to dance at the clubs.  But of course all
that was dependent on how quickly and how well his legs healed. 
 
No matter how much they healed, Justin was still in constant pain.  “They’re
not really sure, yet.  Of course there’s always another surgery, but the doc
wants to see if there is another option.  I don’t know.  Hell, I don’t know if
I really care right now,” Justin told me.  I can almost hear the defeat in his
voice.  This whole thing is just dragging him down even more.  We both had high
hopes that this whole nightmare would be over soon, but that was being washed
away.  “But it’s okay.  I’m fine with it.  We’ll just have to wait and see how
things turn out.”
 
I have to smile at Justin’s attempt to make light of the whole situation.  It’s
just like him to try and downplay the whole thing.  He’s always trying to make
things easier on me, and I love him for that, even if it pisses me off at
times.  Most of the time I don’t WANT him to make me feel better; to make
things EASY on me.  Of course there’s not a damn thing I can do about that.  He
won’t change and there’s that small part of me that doesn’t want him to.  Fuck,
I am so screwed.  “Yeah, we’ll see,” I quietly say. 
 
“So how are things there?  Did you talk to Michael yet,” he asks changing the
subject.  I should feel relieved that he’s changing it, but did he have to
change the subject to that?  To the one thing I have YET to figure out for
myself? 
 
“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him.  And I don’t.
 
“Brian. . .”
 
“Don’t worry about it.  Mikey and I had a talk, and . . . we’ll have to wait
and see,” I say throwing his words from moments ago back. 
 
I can hear Justin’s frustrated sigh, and as much as I hate it, there’s nothing
I can say or do right now that will change this fact.  “He hates me,” I hear
him say.
 
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“Yes, he does, Brian.  You can’t lie about that.  He hates that I hurt you
before, and he’ll never forgive me for that.  I can’t blame him.”
 
I close my eyes trying to come up with SOMETHING to say, but I don’t know what
it would be.  I wish that Justin and Mikey could get past this mess and at
least be on somewhat civil terms, but I’m not sure that it will ever happen. 
“Mikey is only looking out for me . . . doing what he thinks is the right thing
to do.”
 
“I know.”
 
“Let’s not talk about Mikey right now, okay,” I tell him.  I can feel a
headache coming on, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.  Of
course it would be a whole hell of a lot better if I could hold Justin close to
me, but right now that’s not possible.  “So what are you wearing?”  I ask,
knowing that he will immediately forget anything and everything about Mikey, or
the fucking doctors.  If Justin is anything, he is predictable when it comes to
sex. 
 
“You are so full of shit,” he laughs.  I know that things will be alright
between us.  I just know it will.
 
*************
 
I wait until Friday night to make this little trip.  Hell, the last thing I
need is to end up in jail and miss work because of it.  But then again, we’ll
see what comes out of it.  This is something that I have wanted to do since
forever it seems.  With all the shit this asshole has done, he will sit and
listen to what I have to say.  If not . . . well he will sit there.  I was told
once that you don’t let an Irishman stew on something, you don’t give them time
to sit and think about something.  You just let them go.  If we are one thing
it is stubborn.  Okay, so we’re stubborn with a sharp temper – a wicked
temper.  And really it’s not our immediate reaction that is bad . . . it’s when
we have time to come up with the ‘proper’ response, and reaction.  No, that is
something that you shouldn’t mess with.  Of course I’m not really sure if it is
all Irishmen, but it sure as hell is me.  And I’ll blame it on the damn Irish
blood if I want to.
 
I step up to the door, and knock.  When the door opens, I try not to show my
surprise at the young woman who answers, but I turn on the charm telling her
that I’m an old college buddy of our ‘dear friend’ and she let’s me in and
leads me to the small den area.  I sit there on the couch facing away from the
door, not wanting him to see me before I’m ready.  When he enters the room and
spots me sitting casually on his couch he freezes.  Fuck, what I wouldn’t do to
have a fucking camera with me at that moment.  The look on his face is
priceless, but it disappears quickly as the look of hate fills his features. 
Good, let him hate me.  I don’t care.  “What he hell are you doing here?  Get
the fuck out of my house!”
 
I just sit there studying my fingernails, not really paying him any attention,
and I know that it’s just pissing him off even more.  “I’m here to talk about
your son.  Don’t you care what is happening to Justin?” I ask.  Of course I
know that he doesn’t but I just want to twist the knife in a little more.
 
I want to hear him say it to me.  “I don’t have a son,” he states simply,
angrily, and I just fucking want to explode.  “You have nothing I want to
hear.  You can just get the fuck out of my house right now.”
 
“Actually you have a nice house here, Craig,” I say, looking around the nicely
furnished – expensively furnished house.  “You’ve done good for yourself.  Too
bad you had to spend so much money on this . . . this cheap imitation Italian
furniture.  Is this supposed to be Cellini?  Man you got ripped off.  How much
did you spend on this?  Never mind ‘cause evidently it was more than enough
that you couldn’t spend a dime on your own son’s fucking education.”
 
“Who the fuck do you think you are to come into my home and insult me?”
 
I can tell he’s getting angry, and I can only smile.  Let him get angry.  I
WANT him angry.  “I think I’m the . . . oh wait what did you say. . .”  I sit
there on the couch, and it was a poor imitation at best – and just snap my
fingers “trying” to think of the right words.  What a joke.  Like I would ever
forget the shit this asshole said.  “Oh yeah, I was that monster . . .that
pedophile.  That’s right.  I’m the one who seduced your son, and fucked up your
family.”  Before he can say anything in reaction to that, I stand suddenly and
get right in his face.  “Let me tell you something, and for once you are going
to fucking sit there and listen.  So sit your ass down before I put you down. 
Trust me you don’t want me to do that,” I inform him.  All I want to do at that
moment is to fucking rip his dick off and shove it up his ass, but then again,
he just may like that. 

I guess the look on my face told him not to push me, and he sits down in one of
the chairs.  “Not such a big man face to face are you?  Not so big now that you
aren’t sneaking up on me . . . Are you?” I hiss, leaning down so that I can
look him in the eye.  My arms are on either side of him – trapping him in. 
“You are a worthless piece of shit,” I tell him.  “I can’t believe that Justin
is actually hurt by the fact that you don’t want anything to do with him.  If I
had my way you would never have to hear about him again, but Justin still . . .
loves you,” I cringe.  I almost feel like throwing up at the thought of Justin
still caring for this homophobic asshole, but I know he does.  That’s the worst
part in all of this.  Justin continues to be hurt by this man, and no matter
what, it’s going to stop now.  I will not allow Craig Taylor to hurt Justin
anymore.  I won’t allow it.
 
“I know all about you, and people like you.  You think that just because Justin
likes to suck cock, and take it up the ass that he is the lowest of pond
scum.”  Okay, so I’m being a little graphic, but the look on Craig’s face is
priceless.  He just gets this look of disgust, and it takes all my power not to
dig a little deeper, to push the knife in deeper, and harder.  God, I want him
to feel just a fraction of the pain that Justin has gone through.  I want him
to bleed.  “Well, let me tell you something.  Justin is more of a man than you
EVER have been or ever will be.  Being gay doesn’t mean that you can’t have a
family . . . it doesn’t make you any less of a person.  Justin is the strongest
person that I know . . . and I know for sure that he didn’t get that from you.”
 
“You wish that Hobbs had finished the job?”  God, I fucking feel sick just at
the thought of that night.  Just the thought of seeing Justin smiling at me as
the bat swung.  Fuck, all that blood, the sound . . . it’s a sight that I will
live with for the rest of my life.  “Well that little fuck didn’t finish the
job.  Justin’s still here.  He survived the attack, and he survived the car
accident.  So I guess he’ll be around for a long LONG time.  He’ll be a great
artist one day. . . hell he already is. . . and when he does, is that when
you’ll care?  Is that when you’ll come to him when you’re old and fucking gray,
begging him for money?”  I can almost see Craig turn into Jack.  I can see
Craig going up to Justin and begging for money just like Jack did to me all the
time.  I will not allow Justin to fall into that trap.  No fucking way.  Justin
will not feel responsible and will never give this jackass anything if I have
anything to say about it.  And hell, I plan on being around in Justin’s life a
long time to come. 
 
I know that he thinks that there is no money to be made in Justin’s art, I can
see it in the man’s eyes.  He just thinks that Justin is wasting his time, so I
figure that I’ll go in for the kill.  Let him see that what he wanted for his
son, and what his son wants could be the same thing.  Let this jerk see that if
he had just thought for once about what Justin wanted, he would’ve been able to
see that they both would win.  “But then again, I guess right now he already
has that.”  I can see the confusion sneaking into his eyes, temporarily masking
the hate and disgust.  “You see, Justin is already not only nationally known
and respected, but world wide.”
 
“What the fuck are you talking about,” he asks, and I know I got his
attention.  I grab the small folder that I had brought with me from the couch
and hand it to him.  I know that he’s seen some of these ads and I wait to see
what his reaction will be.  I watch as first confusion, then shock, and then
once again anger all play out on his face.  “What is this?”
 
“What don’t you recognize your own son’s work?” I ask innocently.  “You see
Justin is in business, just like you wanted . . . except he’s also doing his
art like he wanted.  And making a whole hell of a lot of money at it too.”
 
“You’re lying,” he says, but it doesn’t hold the same tone that it had before.
 
“Don’t believe me, I don’t fucking care.”  I step away from Craig and stand in
front of him.  I turn to the door and begin to make my way out, but stop and
turn back to him.  “Oh, one last thing before I leave,” I say without turning
around.  “If you ever come near Justin again, or try to talk to him again . .
.”  I turn to face the man that I hate with a passion.  I know that none of
this will make a damn bit of difference.  You can’t change a person like him,
but it sure makes me feel a little better.  Knowing that I have shown him that
his son is not the worthless piece of trash that he thinks he is.  But as I
said, I know that when I leave here, he’ll forget.  He’s just that type of
person.  “If you ever . . . well, you don’t want to do it.  Trust me.”
 
Craig then shoots up out of the chair and comes near me.  I watch as his arm
moves back as if he’s going to hit me.  I am on him quickly, reaching out and
grabbing his arm, I twist it around his back, and slam him into the wall –
hard.  I push his arm as far up his back as I can, almost wanting to feel the
bones break beneath my hands, wanting to snap it like a twig.  Instead I lean
in real close to his ear, and simply whisper in it.  “If you ever come near
Justin again I will fucking kill you.”  I slam him against the wall one more
time, then let go and walk to the door.  “Have a nice night,” I say sweetly as
I open the door and leave. 
 
I have to get away from there as quickly as possible before I storm back into
that room and really do some damage.  I almost hate myself for letting him off
easy.  He never let Justin off easy.  I do however, allow a small smile come
out as I think of the slight cut on his lip from where his face crashed into
the wall, and the way his arm was being limply held against his chest.  I felt
a slight sense of power when I felt the delicate muscles beneath my hands
stretch and turn as I twisted his arm.  If he doesn’t have his arm in sling for
a couple of days, I’d be surprised. 

Damn that felt good.  I finally feel free.  I realized that when I had Craig
locked in that hold, I could almost see Jack Kinney calling me worthless,
wishing ME dead.  The entire time I was talking to Craig, I could almost see
Jack there, saying the same type of shit to me that Craig had said to Justin. 
The two men were more alike then I care to admit, but it felt good to finally
let loose.  I finally was able to not only cause Craig Taylor some pain for
what he had done to Justin, but I got the unexpected relief of finally setting
myself free from Jack Kinney. 
 
I think one more stop is in order before I leave good ol’ Pitts.  I turn the
car toward the cemetery, to give Jack Kinney one FINAL fuck you.
 
*************
 
Tuesday morning as I look around the loft to make sure that I have everything
before I head to the airport for my flight back home, I can’t help but feel a
slight sense of loss.  It has been days since I had last heard from Mikey, and
I had hoped that we could still be friends.  I can only guess that since I
hadn’t heard from him, that he had decided that he couldn’t do it.  No matter
how much it pains me, I know that I can’t do anything about it.  I won’t give
up Justin like he wants me to.  No way in hell will I ever do that.  I open the
door to put my bags in the rental car, I stop at the sight before me.  “Hey,”
he says, looking a little lost.
 
“Hey.  So?” I ask him.  I need to know before I continue this conversation.  I
need to know where I stand. 
 
Mikey just stands there and give me a small smile, and I know that we’ll be
okay.  It’ll be a rough ride, but at least we’ll try and get through it
together.  “Need a ride to the airport?”
 
I try not to laugh, and I suddenly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of
my chest.  The same weight that had been there since I had stepped off of the
plane here in Pittsburgh.  “Sure, help me get this shit down to the car, and
I’ll even make sure that you have money for a cab back to the store,” I tell
him with a smile as I just look at him.  I reach across the threshold and pull
him into a hug, and lightly kiss him on the lips.  “Thanks, Mikey,” I whisper
in his ear, letting him know just how much this means to me.

”Don’t get all sappy on me,” he says through slight tears but letting a smile
appear on his face.  “You have a plane to catch.”
 
Grabbing the luggage, I stop to take one last look around the loft.  The same
place that started it all.  The place I used to call home.  Setting the alarm,
I say good-bye to the past.  I walk out and shut the heavy door, finally able
to let go.  It’s time to move forward.
 
**************
           and I am aglow with the taste / of the demons driven out
             and happily replaced / with the presence of real love
                the only one who saves / I wanna dance with you
              I see a world where people live and die with grace
                 the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
                            I wanna dance with you
              I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
                 and lead us back to a world we would not face
                                        
                             Dance With Me by Live
                                        
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
*BRIAN*
 
“Brian,” Justin began as we moved through the airport toward our gate.  I had
yet to tell Justin where we were headed, and I had made sure to keep the young
man in the dark the entire time.  I even went so far as to check in all of our
baggage, all the while keeping the tickets away from him, which of course
irritated Justin to no end.  “Where are we going?  How can I help find the gate
if I don’t know the flight number or anything else?”
 
I tried not to laugh, really I did, as I lead the way through the crowd toward
our gate.  “I’m just amazed that we were able to get here since you set off all
the damn alarms.”
 
Justin halted his movements – standing in the middle of the crowded hallway to
stare at me.  I turn and look at him, seeing the look of disbelief, and slight
irritation on his face.  It is almost enough to make me laugh even more.  “It’s
not my fault that the metal detectors didn’t like all the metal in my leg.  I
couldn’t believe that they wanted to check my crutches to see if there was
anything hidden in them.  I know that security is tight now, but damn,” Justin
said shaking his head.  The whole mess at the security check-in had been trying
to say the least.  I’m just glad that I remembered to bring a couple of pages
out of his medical records to show that what we were telling the guy was true. 
The last thing I wanted to do was spend my vacation in fucking jail because the
metal in Justin’s leg set off the fucking alarm. 
 
I can tell that he’s upset by it, so I walk up to Justin and wrapped my arms
around his shoulders.  “It was kinda funny,” I finally laugh. 
 
“Fuck you.  You weren’t the one that they wanted to practically strip search.”
 
“Could’ve been fun,” I tell him with a slight smile.  I could almost picture it
now.  Granted I am glad that it didn’t get that far, I would have hated to have
to kick someone’s ass for touching him.  I hate that little jealous streak I
have.  Fuck!  “Now, let’s just go.  We have a vacation to get to.”
 
Justin leaned back slightly so he could look me in the eye.  “So where are we
going?”
 
I lean in so that our foreheads touched lightly, letting our breath warm the
other’s skin.  “Fine . . . We’re taking that trip that you won all those years
ago,” I tell him with a slight smile.

I can’t help but feel the warmth that is being radiated by Justin’s skin. 
“We’re going to the Bahamas?”
 
“Well the King never did get to take his trip, so why not?”
 
Justin wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling our bodies closer together. 
“Thank you.”
 
“Careful there, Sonnyboy.  Those damn crutches hurt,” and it’s not a lie
either.  When he holds me this close, those damn crutches get in the way of
what I want.  It’s a pain.  I can say that I am silently thrilled that Justin
was so happy.  This would be a whole new beginning for the two of us, and
knowing that I was able to put another part of our past to rest was something
that I was more than happy to do.  After Justin had won the King of Babylon
Contest and the trip to the Bahamas, I honestly had secretly planned to take
the young man there for a graduation present – of course that was after I had
gotten over my slight jealousy over the whole thing.  It was slight.   Really
it was.  It was just that when I saw Justin and that trick in the backroom –
Justin fucking that . . . that kid . . . I can’t even begin to describe it. 
It’s almost the same – okay on a lesser scale – but the same feeling I got
seeing Justin in bed with Mikey.  Don’t go there, Kinney.
 
Anyway, the trip that I had planned had fallen by the wayside, all because of
the swinging of a bat. 
 
But now I want to give Justin the trip that he’d never gotten to enjoy
before.   “Come on, let’s get to the plane before it leaves without us.”
 
*************
*JUSTIN*
 
I just sat looking out the window of the plane as it started its descent on the
small island.  The water looked clear and welcoming as the sun reflected its
light across the land beneath us.  This was the trip that I had wanted so badly
over a year ago.  Granted, when I had entered the contest I had never once
thought about the trip – it was all about showing Brian that I wasn’t going to
be second best.  It was about proving to Brian that I was hot – and could get
anyone there I wanted.  It was about forcing him to see that I wasn’t going to
be sitting around waiting for him any longer.  Of course, it wasn’t until the
days that followed that I had even thought about the trip.  I wanted so badly
to come here as my graduation gift to myself, sort of a final farewell to my
high school days.  It was supposed to be the beginning of a whole new time for
me – a whole new ME.  But then Chris Hobbs had ruined that, had ruined a lot
for me. 
 
I shake my head, hoping to clear the thoughts that had suddenly come to the
forefront, and turned my attention back to the scenery outside the small window
of the plane.  “It’s beautiful,” I whisper, and it is. 
 
As we get off the plane, we quickly retrieve our luggage, and head for the
hotel.  Once again I find myself sitting here looking out at the landscape in
awe.  It IS beautiful here, and all that I can think of is that I am here with
the man I love.  The one thing that I never would’ve imagined when I first
thought about a trip to the Bahamas.  Hell, one thing I never would’ve imagined
a year ago.  But here we are.
 
As we approach the hotel, I can see the large statutes that were before the
building.  I have seen the commercials on this place, but I can say that they
don’t do this place justice, ‘cause I never thought that it was anything like
this.  Atlantis, Paradise Island, Bahamas.  It is Paradise.  The name of this
island is very fitting, in my humble opinion, of course.  I can see the palm
trees moving with the gentle breeze that comes across the water, the bright
blue sky above us, and the golden, flying horses surrounded by water in the
large fountain in front of the hotel.  Granted I wish that I could enjoy all of
the waterslides that were in the Mayan temple that I had heard about, but I
guess that it only means that the two of us will have to come back here someday
in the future.
 
After we checked in, we made our way toward the Royal Tower.  I couldn’t
believe the treatment that they were getting – it was almost too much.  We were
getting treated like royalty, and it was shocking.  I heard someone say
something about a private elevator.  Fuck, Brian definitely goes all out.  “You
always have to go first class, don’t you?” I ask smiling at my lover.

”What would be the point of a fucking vacation, if you don’t enjoy it?  Besides
you know I like my privacy.”
 
I can only laugh and shake my head, all the time wondering what Brian has
planned for the two of us this week.  Brian had the whole thing planned out,
and I could only stand by and wait for things to unfold.  When the door to our
room is open, I quickly walk in and look around.  The room is a large one-
bedroom suite with a living room, and dining parlor.  Off to the side I can see
a large, full, private balcony facing the ocean.  I walk further into the room
past the king-sized bed, and straight into the bathroom.  Inside I noticed the
separate shower, and a large whirlpool tub.  Turning around, I smile at Brian
who is sitting on the couch.  I can just picture all the fun we can have in
that room.  “This is perfect.”
 
“Well, if you’re done admiring the place, I’m hungry,” Brian said as he stood. 
 
As quickly as I can, I move over to Brian and reach my hand up to his neck so I
can pull him down to me.  “Thank you.  I love it.”
 
“I love you,” Brian answers as he traces my full lips with his tongue.  “Come
on, let’s go eat.”
 
I shake my head slightly then looked back into Brian’s eyes.  “Fuck that,” I
whisper as I pull him down into a deeper kiss and back down onto the couch. 
“Let’s order in.”
 
**************
*BRIAN*
 
“Justin,” I quietly whisper in Justin’s ear.  Of course the only response I get
is the slight tightening of Justin’s arms around my body.  “Justin, wake up.”
 
“No, I wanna stay here,” the younger man mumbles into my chest.  I guess it’s
time for some drastic measures.  I quickly throw the covers off of us so I can
get up.  I make my way to the bathroom, stealing a glance toward the bed.  I
see Justin reach out toward the covers that are now on the floor.  “No,” Justin
groans.
 
“Come on, sleepyhead.  There’s a lot to see.”  Despite the fact that I want to
crawl back into bed with him, and fuck him senseless all the damned day long, I
do want to do something during this trip.  I did promise Lindsey and hell,
Mikey, a little something from this whole thing.  The sooner we get that shit
done, the sooner I can really enjoy this little trip.  I shower quickly, and
make my way toward the closet to get dressed.  Justin is still lying on the bed
with a pillow over his head.  Oh the possibilities. 
 
What the hell?  I jump on the bed right beside him.  “Fuck, Brian,” he yells
into the pillow.  “I’m up, I’m up.”
 
“Good, now get ready so we can get the bullshit out of the way,” I tell him. 
Justin gets up out of bed finally and reaches for the crutches I placed next to
him.  I know he hates those things, but I’m not going to have him walking
around fucking up his leg even more than it already is.  I can say I’m still
pissed that it’s not healing right.  The good ol’ doc went so far as to tell us
that they may have to re-break the bone so that they can reset it.  It sure as
hell sounds painful, and I’m not the one who has to go through that.  Just the
thought of Justin having to go through that shit again on purpose – it scares
the shit out of me.  I want this shit to be over with, but I know it won’t for
a long, long time. 
 
Why can’t our lives ever be easy?
 
By the time Justin comes out, I’m already dressed and reading the morning paper
that was deposited outside my door.  Hey what do you expect for the money I’m
dishing out for this place?  I think I could get used to this – what am I
thinking, Justin always has coffee and my paper out for me every morning.  It’s
just like home. 
 
“So you never did tell me how things went back in Pittsburgh,” Justin said as I
heard him moving through the room.  I know he has been wondering what I had
done, who I saw – whatever.  But I’m not really sure what I want to tell him. 
 
“Did I tell you that you guys -- and I mean Kate, Rick, and yourself -- are all
going to be getting raises,” I inform him, halting ANY discussion of who I saw.
 
Justin quickly, well as quickly as he could, came out of the bedroom to look at
me – eyes wide.  Fuck he can move fast on those damn things.  “What?” he asks. 
I try not to smile at my success at avoiding the discussion I’m not ready to
have yet.  “You’re kidding, right?”
 
“Now why would I kid about something like that?  Vance had the paperwork ready
when I got there, and he also told me that the three of you were exceptional
workers,” I inform him while pretending to read my paper.  I can see him come
closer to me, the shock still evident on his face. 
 
Suddenly the paper is ripped from my hands and Justin sits down partly on my
lap so that we’re facing each other.  “He really said that?”  I nod in
response, enjoying the look in his eyes – the pure excitement being reflected
there.  I want him to always have that look, ‘cause I know I wouldn’t be able
to survive if I saw the look I did a year ago in his eyes.  That look of utter
defeat and unhappiness.  I never want to see that look again.  “Holy shit. 
Wait until Rick and Kate hear this.  Fuck!”
 
“You do know, however, that it only means more responsibility.  And the fact
that some of our clients won’t work with anyone else,” I tell him.  I know he
already knows this, but I also don’t want him to think that things will get
easier from now on.  I made that mistake when I became partner.  I thought it
would make things easier, but my life has only gotten a lot harder since that
day. 
 
“I know that.  I may be blond but I’m not stupid,” he says with a smile on his
face.
 
“Ah yes . . . what was it?  Mr. ‘I got 1500 on my SATs’?”  I reach up to
lightly run my finger across his cheek as I lean in to kiss him.  God, I could
die in his kisses.  I pull back and look him over.  “Ready to go?”
 
Justin nods and I help him up.  “So what is on the agenda for today?”
 
“I want to get these fucking presents out of the way,” I tell him.  Justin only
looks at me in confusion, and I remember that I forgot to mention to him about
Lindsey’s visit soon.  “Lindsey said she’s going to bring Gus down next month,
and then of course she fucking gave me a list of things to get them.”
 
“They’re coming down?” Justin asked.  I was a little nervous about telling him,
I admit.  I mean I don’t know how ready he is to see all of them, and of course
I didn’t talk to him about it before.  So I’m not real good at this whole
relationship thing yet, but I’m working on it.  I look up and see the smile on
his face, and I am silently relieved.  “When?”
 
“We’re not sure yet,” I tell him.  “We’re going to talk about it, see when a
good time will be.”
 
I can’t help but smile slightly at the glow Justin is giving off – definitely
showing that Deb gave him the proper nickname.  That fucking smile of his can
light up the room.  “So I guess things went pretty well up there,” he states.

Fuck, fuck, fuck . . . .FUCK!  I didn’t want to go here yet.  But here I am. 
Open mouth and insert foot.  Good job, Kinney.  FUCK!  “We’ll talk about it
later,” I tell him.  I don’t want to get into it now.  Silently I hope that he
can tell I just want to enjoy this time, and NOT think about that shit.  Okay,
so in a way I just don’t want him to think about what I did to his father, but
that’s beside the point.  I am not ready for lecture number one thousand on ‘I
can take care of myself’ BS.  He is going to be pissed if and when he finds out
about that.  “Can we go shopping now?”
 
“Yes, Brian, we can go.  But don’t think that this conversation is over,” he
tells me and I know that this is far from the end.  If Justin is anything it is
persistent.  It’s the reason why I both love and hate him.
 
**************
 
As we walked down the busy streets, I always made sure that Justin was close
by.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it seems that since the bashing I don’t want
him out of my sight for long.  It would’ve been easier if I could’ve just held
his hand in mine as we walked, but since the accident that has been
impossible.  I can’t wait until he’s fucking better.  It definitely will make
MY life a whole lot better.  He stops in front of a store, and the first and
ONLY thought that enters my mind is Deb.  Inside are elaborate displays of the
worst fucking things that I’ve ever laid eyes on.  Of course Justin just has to
take a look.  I feel like I’ve taken a step back in time, and all I want to do
is scream.  Didn’t I just fucking put the past behind me?  Okay so I’m being
dramatic, but fuck.  Justin picks up a small center piece, and I’m almost
afraid to admit that it just screams Deb.  I can see that awful thing sitting
on her table in the kitchen.  Of course we just have to get it for her. 
 
The things I do at times amazes me.
 
We continued on our way, stopping occasionally in stores and picking out items
that Justin said the others ‘Just had to have’.  Of course I did find a comic
book that I know Mikey has been looking for, and a little whip made of some
golden-like material that I thought would be perfect for Marsha.  Don’t laugh,
that bitch really doesn’t need one, but with what she puts up with me and
Justin she needs something to keep us in line.  As I said though, she really
REALLY doesn’t need one – but I just couldn’t resist.
 
Justin picked up presents for both his mom and sister, and I knew he was hoping
that his sister would be able to come down to see us for Spring Break like we
had planned.  Of course who knows what will happen now that I had my little
‘talk’ with the one asshole who is trying to stop that adventure.  I really
wish I had done more to him then I did. 
 
With the shopping done we head back to the hotel to grab a bite to eat.  I
remember seeing in the brochure this little place in the hotel where you are
surrounded by water.  It’s supposed to represent ‘Atlantis’ -- or so it says. 
As we sit down it almost feels like we are eating in some underground – okay
underwater bubble.  To the side you can see the sharks and fish swim past.  It
is almost too strange for words.  I mean here I am eating fish, all the while I
get to watch them in their natural habitat.  I am definitely getting old if I’m
thinking about that shit. 
 
Justin and I simply sit there talking about the littlest of things.  Work,
friends, what was on that stupid show we watched two weeks ago – anything.  It
still amazes me that I never really realized how smart this kid really is. 
Okay, I knew he was smart – I mean he was smart enough to know that I cared
about him when I didn’t want to admit it, and he is smart enough to get a 1500,
but it never really mattered.  I find it interesting that we can just sit and
talk about things like politics, the stock market, or hell what the latest
fashions are.  I can have real conversations – intelligent conversations with
him.  Unlike with anyone else I had ever been with.  I definitely couldn’t talk
about any of this stuff with Mikey or Ted or definitely not Emmett.  God,
Emmett and fashion don’t even belong in the same sentence.  I can’t help but
think of what my life would’ve been like if Justin hadn’t entered it.  What
would my life be like?  It scares me to even think about it.  Okay, I admit
things would be a lot simpler, but that’s about it. 
 
I guess that is why we get along so well now.  I know what our problems were
before, and we are working on them.  I know that he wants to be an equal
partner in this relationship, and I can’t fault him for that.  Of course I
never made it easy for him to begin with . . . shit, I made his life a living
hell.  No matter how many times I would tell him that it didn’t matter, that he
was an equal, he never believed me.  I tried to let him know that when I let
him fuck me that time.  Okay, so then I fucked it up almost the very next day,
but damn, I never said I was any good at this whole deal.  Mark and I – well we
weren’t really what you would call in a full fledged relationship.  Nothing
like what Justin and I have.  I know that I could never do to Justin what I did
with Mark.  It just doesn’t feel right.  At least not any more. 
 
I can say that I did do to Justin what I did to Mark, but now . . . now things
are different.  I’m different, I can feel it. 
 
“What are you thinking about?” Justin asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I didn’t even realize that I was so caught up in the past that I didn’t hear
what he was saying.  “Just things,” I tell him. 
 
Justin reached across the table to hold my hand, letting me know without words
that he’s there for me.  That’s the thing that I never got from Mark.  I never
felt this way with him – to where a simple touch could put me so at ease. 
“Wanna talk about it?”

Do I?  That is the question of the century.  I know that I need to be more open
with Justin, I have to – but it’s still not really easy for me.  I was never
one to open up with anyone.  Hell, even Mikey, who knows the most about me,
only knows half of the shit I’ve done.  I know that Justin doesn’t expect me to
be completely open with him, but I find myself at times wanting to tell him
everything.  My whole life story.  “I was thinking about all the shit I used to
do to you.”
 
Simple, plain, and totally half true.  Well at least I’m trying, right?
 
“Brian,” he says quietly, getting my attention.  I look into his eyes, and find
myself getting lost in them.  They’re so clear, trusting, and – fuck -
- forgiving.  I really don’t deserve him.  “It’s in the past.  Who cares? 
We’re here now.  What happened in the past got us to this point, so there’s no
reason to think badly on it.  We’re moving past that, and everything that
happened between us only made us stronger.  Individually and together.”
 
See what I mean?  This kid is smart.  And a fucking romantic.  “Still,” I
begin, only to have him tighten his grip on my hand even more. 
 
“It’s in the past.  Didn’t we agree that we were going to let that all go?  Let
it stay in the past where it belongs.”  I wish I could say that I agree with
that thinking, but I know that it’s impossible to leave it all there.  Both of
us had buried a lot of things, and it’s only come back to bite us right in the
ass when we least expected it to.  I know that he realizes it too.  But we both
can wish, can’t we?  I mean, I would love to be able to forget all of the shit
I had done to him, that he had done to me – but I’m a realist, and so is he. 
We know we can’t forget.  “Okay, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right,”
he says as if he was reading my mind.  More likely he is.  HE always has a way
of knowing what I’m thinking without me even saying anything.  He’s the only
one who has ever been able to do that.  I only look at him with a raised
eyebrow wondering what is going on in his head.  “We can’t forget it, Brian.  I
don’t want to.  But we can forgive.  I forgive you.”
 
With his words I feel as if a huge bolder has been lifted off my shoulders.  He
still has ways of blowing my world apart.  “I forgive you,” I say and I mean
it.  I know that he never meant to hurt me with Ethan, but I also know that he
wasn’t entirely at fault in that whole mess either.  I didn’t realize that at
first, but now I do. 
 
“Come on, let’s take these bags up to our room,” he says with a slight smile on
his face, and I know what he’s thinking.  Not that I mind, of course.  Sex
between us has always been explosive.  He’s the only one I know who had ever
been able to keep up with me and my appetite.  I guess that’s why we’re so good
together.  Quickly I pay the bill and take my little sprite up to our room. 
 
*************
 
*JUSTIN*
 
Holding onto Brian is for me anyway, the best feeling in the world.  It’s here
that I never doubt what he feels for me.  Of course now I really have no
problems with that.  Brian tells me now how he feels, and truthfully it still
shocks the hell out of me.  I try to picture the Brian I had first met, or even
the Brian of that last year, together with the one holding me now – and I
realize I can’t.  I don’t know what made him change – well I have a damn good
idea, but nothing concrete – but I’m grateful for it all the same.  Okay so we
still have parts of the ‘old’ Brian Kinney still there, and trust me I am glad
that it’s still there.  I don’t know what I would think if he completely
changed.  He’s still an asshole part of the time, he still drinks entirely too
much, and the list can go on and on.  But I do know that he hasn’t tricked in a
long time – the one thing that I never EVER would’ve thought possible.  He also
tells me now what he is feeling.  I know that was the hardest thing for him to
admit.  I always knew it, but I just got tired of waiting I guess.  I don’t
know.  I was so screwed up after Prom, that I couldn’t read him anymore.  I had
changed, we both had changed that night, and I just forgot.  I forgot a lot of
things.
 
But never again.
 
It’s funny really.  We’ve actually been talking about the one thing that I
NEVER would’ve thought we would ever do.  I mean I know how Brian is.  I know
he never wants to put me in any danger, he’s very adamant about that.  But here
we are actually thinking about doing it raw.  Of course we both know that if we
decide to do that, it won’t be for a while.  I don’t think that either one of
us is really ready for that.  I admit I was young, naive, and stupid to even
ask him that before.  But to actually even consider it . . . it just blows my
mind.  I’m happy, extremely happy.  I know that I never want to be with anyone
other than Brian, but we both know how we work.  We have BOTH done some stupid
things in our time, both done numerous guys – Brian more than me of course but
I’m still young.  If we decide to follow through with it, we will both have to
be sure of ourselves and of each other.  We can’t get away from the old
feelings of possible mistakes quite yet. 
 
I mean who’s to say that one of us won’t slip tomorrow, or next week?  We both
agreed that it would have to be at least six months with NO tricks, then at
least another year before we even consider it.  And of course if during that
time we slip, the time just keeps being pushed back.  Neither one of us wants
to put the other in danger like that.  It’s too dangerous in this day and age
to not be careful.  I know that now.
 
Of course the sex is still great.  Of course with Brian it always is.  No one
has ever made me feel the way that he does, and I don’t think that anyone ever
will.  We both know each other so well that it seems like we are one person
half of the time.  A touch there, a kiss here – everything and anything that
will make the other feel the best possible way that we can.  Sex between us – I
realized early on – had never been just fucking.  Okay, so we have had some
very INTENSE moments, wild and crazy moments, like in New York, but there was
always more than the quick in and out that Brian had always strived for.  We
connect on a more intimate level.  It’s almost like our souls connect.  I still
remember the first time our hands entwined while he was pounding into me.  Even
from the first moment, when he told me that he wanted me to remember that
moment no matter who I was with – I knew that it was more.  He had told me that
night that I was more than just a ‘fuck’, even if he denies it to this day. 
 
When he came and he told me he loved me – Brian Kinney’s fate was forever
entwined with mine.  That was the moment that we connected.  I know this.  And
I like to think that he knows this now too.  No, I know he does. 
 
Nothing will tear us apart again.  Neither one of us will let it.  This I know
for a fact.
 
I’m finding out more and more about Brian everyday.  It’s like I’m reading a
book, a never-ending book, with each new page bringing a new discovery.  He is
the most beautiful and complex piece of art I have ever seen.  There are so
many layers to him, layers that I have yet to even touch.  No matter how much I
want to know everything about him, I know that it will never happen.  I think
that is part of the reason why I love him so much.  It’s the mystery of Brian
Kinney.  It just isn’t really fair – in my own sick way I guess – that he knows
EVERYTHING about me.  Okay, almost everything.  It’s my own fault though.  I
just can’t keep anything from him.  How I kept that whole Kip thing a secret is
beyond me.  Of course that didn’t last long.  One moment of weakness, one
moment of wanting to cause him pain – and everything comes out. 
 
I hate that moment in my life. 
 
I hate that I had said all those things to him.  I hate that I had told him
things that I NEVER wanted him to know.  Sap, Kip, Michael, everything.  Fuck! 
Then of course I had to break down and tell him about my suicide attempt. 
Okay, so there are still things that Brian doesn’t know about, things that
Marsha thinks I may need to get out in the open.  But a part of me doesn’t want
to – if that makes any sense.  I know that I still have a long way to go.  I
still have problems sleeping, and hell you can forget about going out to a
parking garage late at night.  If I get a certain vibe off of someone, I get
away as fast as I can.  That feeling of panic is still with me, and I wonder if
it will ever really go away.  Marsha tells me that it may never go away – at
least not completely.  I can only wish that I could move past it all, but I
know I might never do so.  I can’t until I remember what happened.  Everything
that happened those couple of days. 
 
I never really told Brian what I do remember, and what I don’t.  I have only
gotten flashes of things, like watching a teaser from a movie.  You never get
the whole story, just enough to make you want to see the rest of it. 
 
I remember asking Brian to the Prom, I remember asking Daph to the Prom.  I am
a little fuzzy on the going away party for Michael and David.  And you can
forget anything past that.  I don’t remember Emmett helping me get ready.  I
don’t remember Brian walking in, or the dance.  Nothing.  The next thing I get
a PART of is hearing Brian’s pain-filled yell, then turning around to see this
thing come toward me.  I remember wondering what it was, then the sharp pain -
- the blinding pain.  I remember – like running the movie in slow motion – I
remember the feeling of my body shutting down.  First everything went dark; I
could hear Brian’s footsteps still.  Next my body started to feel cold, and I
couldn’t move.  It wasn’t even the feeling you get when you sit for too long,
and that little tingly feeling either.  It was as if parts of my body just
ceased to exists.  I could hear Chris cry out in pain, something hitting the
ground.  I could almost feel my brain shut down, as things started to become
hazy.  I knew that I was lying on something, but my mind couldn’t process what
it was.  The last thing I heard was Brian’s pain.  I heard him call out in
anguish then nothing. 
 
I pull myself closer to Brian in the bed, wanting him to keep me warm, since
suddenly I feel extremely cold.  Just listening to his heart beat beneath my
head, and feeling his warm body next to mine, helps me push the feeling of
helplessness away.  I still don’t know how I remembered things from the ride to
the hospital, or things from the hospital itself.  But I do. 
 
Of course these are all things that I will NEVER tell Brian.  Marsha is the
only one who knows, and I’ve told her that Brian is to never know.  I don’t
think that he could handle it.  No, I know he wouldn’t be able to.  He keeps
telling me to let him in, to let him help me get through this – but I can’t.  I
know he still feels guilt over what happened.  I know it.  No words or amount
of comfort will ever be able to erase those feelings from him.  It isn’t in my
power.  He needs to be able to fully forgive himself, and I know it’s not
within his power either. 
 
That night changed both of our lives, and not entirely for the better.
 
I can’t fully complain though.  It was that night that Brian realized that I
was more than what he had made himself believe.  And even though I may not
remember it – his coming that night to share it with me said more than any
amount of words ever will. 
 
Maybe I’m thinking too much.  Brian has always accused me of that, and he’s
right.  I wish at times I could just be like him, and say fuck it, but I
can’t.  It’s not in me. 
 
Finally I decide to just close my eyes, and will myself to sleep.  All of this
thinking is giving me a headache, and I wonder why I am even bothering.  Why
should I think about all of that shit, when I’m here next to the man I love? 
Fuck it, I’m going to sleep.
 
*************
 
Since we are only staying here until late Saturday, Brian and I take in some
final sights.  We head down to the ‘Dig’.  Brian laughed at me as I almost
jumped into his arms –scared out of my fucking mind.  So no one told me that
having a large fucking shark slam into the glass or whatever this is
surrounding me could make me see my life flash before my eyes.  All I could
think about was that I was going to be this thing’s next meal.  Of course I got
Brian back, ‘cause I knew he was frightened as well.  Not as much as me, but I
did catch the slight catch of his breath as it rammed into the glass. 
 
The ruins that they had in this area were exquisite.  It really made you feel
like you were in the real Atlantis.  Of course my artistic mind is at work on
how I’m going to get all of this down on paper, but I know that I’m going to
have a lot of things to do when we get back home.  I have to get this all down,
I have to draw it all.  Okay, so a part of me is obsessive, but hey, Brian is
too.  We all are in some way. 
 
We go to the spas, and I must admit, I was more than ready to have a little
‘private’ fun with Brian after that.  But I must admit, I do like Brian’s
massages a little bit more than the one we got there.  Okay, so I’m biased, but
wouldn’t you be if you had someone like HIM giving you the best back rub?  Of
course it’s what he does after the back rub that makes it so memorable, but
that’s only for me. 
 
Since we couldn’t go down the waterslides like I wanted to -- not that Brian
would let me even if I was a hundred percent -- we went to take a walk along
the beach.  Brian can be such a baby at times.  I mean really.  What is a sixty
foot drop anyway?  So what if it’s almost a complete vertical drop propelling
you at a speed of 35 miles an hour and ending in a clear acrylic tunnel
submerged in the shark-filled lagoon.  I mean, where is his sense of
adventure?  I know that I just HAVE to come back here to try that one out. 
 
We eat in a small café on the beach, and stay there sitting on the beach long
after the sun had set.  I never realized how much I needed this.  I feel so at
peace here, so alive, for the first time in a long time.  I no longer think
about what could’ve been – what I lost because of Hobbs.  ‘Cause in truth, I
don’t see where I lost anything.  Everything that I had thought I lost, in
reality I never did.  My art, my life, my friends, my dreams, this trip,
Brian.  It’s all still there.  Hobbs’s hatred had only given me more than I
ever could’ve imagined or hoped for.  Don’t get me wrong, I can never forgive
him for what he did to me, or Brian, but I have learned to accept it.  Shit
happens, and luckily things have turned out alright.  Better in some ways. 
 
And it’s all because of the love that Brian and I share.  It’s all because we
refused to let one act of hatred destroy us.  An act of cowardice made us
stronger.  For that I can say that I’m grateful for what Hobbs did.  His act –
as unforgivable as it is – forced me to realize a lot of things, things that I
never would’ve thought of.  It made me stronger.  Marsha made me see that.  And
with Brian’s help, along with my talks with Marsha, I know that I’ll survive. 
I will no longer be a victim.  I have control over my life. 
 
Brian went to Pittsburgh to rid himself of his past demons, and I can tell he
made headway in that regard.  I’m proud of him. 
 
Me,  well, I think that it was this trip.  Finally I am able to put aside one
more demon.  I’m not stupid enough to think that I will ever be fully over it,
but I’m starting.  I think I’m finally able to start to let go – really let go
and move on. 
 
I can finally move on with my future.  My future with Brian.
 
*************
 
*Brian*
 
I fucking hate waiting, especially at the airport.  It would be better if I
could meet Lindz and Gus at the gate, but of course that’s now impossible.  So
I have to stand here, by a group of obnoxious teens, talking about some shit I
don’t understand – waiting.  Of course it doesn’t make it any easier that
Justin is stuck at work, again.  I know I shouldn’t be upset, but damn.  Since
we got home from our trip, he’s been working late almost every fucking night. 
Alright I admit to myself I maybe a little jealous, but I’ll never admit that
to him.  And it’s not that I don’t trust Justin, cause I do, it’s just that I
don’t trust that little weasel who is helping them on this project.  That
little fucking Matt. 
 
Alright so I’m a lot jealous. 
 
I see Lindsey out of the corner of my eye, and I immediately go to her.  She
looks like she could use a hand – between caring Gus, and all the carryon bags,
she looks like she’s ready to fall over.  “Give me those,” I order her as I
reach them.  I take the carryon bags from her, and lean in to give her a kiss. 
“What the fuck did you do?  Bring his entire room with you?”
 
“No,” she tells me with a slight smile on her face.  “We’re going to be here a
week, Bri.  And the plane ride was long, so Gus needed things to do to occupy
his time.  Besides, I only brought half of his room.”
 
Fuck!  I am now picturing all of the bags that we will have to load up into the
car.  Thank God I finally got me a new jeep, cause I know that all of this shit
wouldn’t fit into the Mustang.  I know Lindz, she always packs like she’s
moving in.  “So how many bags should I be expecting?”
 
“Three, Bri.  I didn’t pack everything.  God, when did you get so cynical?”
 
“I know you, Lindz.  You pack about two pairs of clothes for each day,” I
begin.  Looking at her innocent face I have to turn away before I slap that
look off of it.  I hate it when she gives me that look, cause despite the fact
that I KNOW better, I almost always fall for it.  Fuck!  “And don’t try to play
coy with me.  I know you all too well, remember?”
 
“So where’s Justin,” she asked as we made our way to the baggage claim. 
 
“Work,” I answer.  I will not get into what I think about that.  Not now.  The
last thing I need is anyone thinking that there is a problem between us.  There
isn’t.  Justin and I are closer than we have ever been before.  “He’ll be home
soon though, so you don’t have to worry.”
 
“I’m not worried, I just can’t wait to see him that’s all.”  Lindz places her
hand on my arm once we reach the baggage area, and I can almost tell what her
exact words are going to be.  “Is everything alright, Bri?”

I stand there and run my hand through my hair.  I just KNEW that the question
would come up.  I just fucking knew it.  “We’re fine, Lindz.  And for the
record . . . I am NOT discussing my relationship with Justin with anyone. 
Understand?”
 
I can’t even look at her right now, I don’t know why.  I’m a little hurt I
guess.  I almost forgot how everyone always thought the worst about Justin and
I.  They always were so quick to judge.  I mean, I know Justin and I still have
things to work out together, things that we still have harbored deep within
ourselves – things that hurt, but we are working on them.  And here comes
someone – someone I trust – immediately thinking that something’s wrong. 
Fuck! 
 
“Bri,” she begins with her hand still on my arm.  “I believe you.  I do.  It’s
just that we don’t see you that often, and we haven’t seen Justin in a long
time.  The last time any of us saw him, he was in the hospital.  It’s only
right that we’re worried about him. . . about you.”
 
And I immediately feel like shit.  I forgot that they hadn’t seen or heard from
Justin really since the accident.  They have only gotten second hand reports
from me, and they have always been sketchy at best.  “Justin’s fine, Lindz. 
He’s out of the wheelchair, most of the time anyway, and he’s doing fine.  I’m
doing fine,” I answer her.  “Now, can we get this shit and get out of here?”
 
Luckily Lindsey drops it for now, but I know she’s not done yet.  She’s one of
the few people I can trust to not really judge me.  Oh she has kept me in line
when it comes to Justin.  Like the time Justin slept on their couch after the
Hotlanta trick.  Oh man, I got hell for that one.  The words that were coming
out of her mouth.  Granted, I can say nothing was as bad as when she realized I
had used her to kick Justin out of my life, and sent him packing with Ethan. 
Lindz always has a way of making me see things that I don’t want to see – do
things that I don’t want to do.  The little guy in her arms is proof of that.
 
But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
 
*************
 
When we arrive at home, I see the light on the phone blinking.  I set the bags
down and begin to check the messages.  I have try not to smile as I hear the
familiar voice of Marsha on the message.  “Brian, just me.  I thought I’d let
you know that I’m kidnapping Justin.  I’ll be sure to have him home in one
piece soon.  Talk to you later, Bye.”  I can’t help but be grateful for
Marsha’s help.  I know that Justin’s still having problems, and he hadn’t been
to see Marsha since before we got back, so I know he needs this time alone with
her.  Hell I need to sit down and talk to her.  I need to tell her about the
shit I went through when I was back in Pittsburgh over a month ago now.  Fuck,
has it been a month already?  Justin and I have been so busy since we got back
that neither one of us have had time to sit and even think. 
 
“Justin’s with Marsha.  Most likely he won’t be back till late,” I tell her as
I hang up the phone.  “Looks like we’re on our own, Sunnyboy,” I tell Gus.  Not
that I think he understands a thing I’m saying but who knows.  He’s almost two
and a half now, and it still amazes me that he’s a part of my life – how much
my life had changed the night he came into my life.  “So what do you want to
eat?”
 
After dinner, Lindz and I just sit around the living room watching Gus
investigate every little thing that is scattered around.  Luckily Justin and I
went through the place with a fine tooth comb and made the place child-proof. 
Of course any place that they could not child-proof, or anything that could
cause Gus serious damage, or our personal toys, were all locked behind closed
doors.  The last thing I needed was for Gus to get into some of mine and
Justin’s personal belongings. 
 
Hearing the door open, I look up and watch as Justin made his way into the
house.  He looked exhausted, and I wonder what it was that he had talked with
Marsha about.  At times I hate that I can’t know what they talk about, since I
see the after effects of some of their talks, but I also know better then to
pry.  Justin doesn’t ask me what I talk about, so what right do I have to ask
him the same question.  However, it doesn’t mean that I can’t worry.  “Hey,” he
says as he moves over to the kitchen and pulls out a beer. 
 
Now I know that it wasn’t a good conversation, not too bad since he’s not
digging out the hard liquor, but not real great.  Of course I know that he
wouldn’t drink anything heavier than a beer with Gus here, which makes me
nervous.  “Everything okay,” I ask as I make my way over to him.
 
Justin just shakes his head at me, and shrugs.  “Later, okay,” he says.  I
stand there and watch as Justin makes his way over to Gus.  Watching Gus and
Justin is definitely my favorite thing in the world.  My two boys.  “So what do
you want to do, Lindz,” I ask taking everyone’s attention from the sudden
tension that had filed the house since Justin came home.
 
“Bri, we’re just here.  I don’t care what we do, just as long as we all spend
time together,” she said.  “Gus misses the two of you.  I do too.”
 
Justin is sitting in one of the chairs with Gus on his lap.  Just holding Gus
brings a smile to Justin’s face, and I am suddenly real grateful that they are
here.  “I was thinking that we could take Gus to the zoo, and maybe to Stone
Mountain.  You know I think he’d like the little train and stuff there,” Justin
said as he starts to tickle Gus.  Gus of course is just loving the attention
that he is getting from his ‘favorite babysitter’.  “How about that, Gus? 
Huh?  You wanna play on the trains?” 
 
Lindz and I look at each other.  It is always a site to see the two of them
together.  Justin and Gus.  “Twain, twain,” Gus starts to chant.  I smile at
Lindsey, knowing that she is seeing what I am – two people who are without a
doubt the most important people in our lives.  Okay so she has Mel too, but
still.  I honestly don’t know what I would do – what I would be doing – if
either one of them weren’t in my life.  Hell, I don’t wan to think about it. 
It’s too frightening.  Would I even still be here? 
 
“Well I’m sure that we can come up with some things for them to do,” I say. 
Justin and I have worked out a schedule so that Lindsey and Gus won’t be on
their own while they are here.  I’m going to be taking the first half off, and
Justin will take the second half off.  Then of course we both are taking the
Friday before Lindz and Gus leave off.  This way we will have the weekend, and
the Friday before they leave together.  I think that Lindz is planning on
taking a trip to one of the malls by herself so that ‘us guys’ can have some
time alone, but we haven’t really discussed it at all.  I don’t know for sure
what she has planned in her little devious mind, but I’m sure I’ll find out. 
If I know Lindsey, she is a little romantic.  I think I’ll take to Marsha and
see if she can take Lindsey somewhere special that . . . well somewhere that
they would like.  I don’t even want to think about what they would like.  It’s
too scary.
 
“I was also thinking,” Justin began.  “That we can go to some of the small art
galleries downtown or something.  You know, just to look,” he says as he looks
at Lindz with an almost pleading look on his face. 
 
“I’m at your mercy,” she laughs.
 
“Ah, fuck. . . .don’t say that.  We’ll be traveling all over the fucking world
if he had his way,” I inform her shaking my head.
 
Justin looks at me with a smile on his face.  “Don’t whine, Brian.  It doesn’t
suit you.”
 
“I didn’t whine.”  Whine?  I never whine.  I don’t know how to whine.  Little
fucking twat.
 
Lindsey lays her hand on my arm, and looks at me with a look in her eye.  I
hate that fucking look.  It’s the look that says she thinks it’s bullshit.  “Of
course you don’t, Brian.  Why would we ever think that?”
 
“Fuck both of you,” I tell them standing up.  I think I need a drink now. 
Fuck, I forgot what it was like to have the two of them gang up on me.  The two
people who know me the best in the same place . . . what the fuck was I
thinking?  I’ll never survive this trip.  Maybe I can convince Justin to take
the week off, and I can hide out at work.
 
*************
*Justin*
 
Brian and I lie down for the night, after Gus and Lindsey go to sleep.  All I
can think about is that things have been going crazy lately.  I am feeling a
little lost and all I know is that I don’t want to ruin anything about this
trip for Gus or Lindsey.  I don’t think that I can do that – I won’t do that. 
 
I know that Brian is worried about me, I saw that in his face when I came in. 
When Marsha came into my office, and told me that we were taking the rest of
the day off.  I was grateful that she had come, cause I know that I wouldn’t
have been able to find the time on my own to see her.   These past couple of
days, make that weeks, I have been having these flashes.  I don’t know what
they mean, or if they are real, but is tearing me up.  If what I see little
glimpse of is true, then I can’t believe that I had actually believed that
Brian didn’t love me.  I mean, things would’ve been a lot easier if I had known
this before.  That is if it is true.  Marsha is trying to help me see that I
can’t live with the ‘what if’s’, and I can’t live in the past. 
 
She is helping me to see that what Brian and I have now is worth everything. 
She told me that things have a way of working out in strange ways.  I can see
that what she is saying is true.  I mean, I don’t think that we would be here
now if I had remembered, and in all truthfulness I don’t want to be anywhere
else. 
 
I look up as Brian comes out of the bathroom, and I pull the duvet up so that
he can slip into bed next to me.   “You ready to talk about it now,” he asks
me.  I knew that he wouldn’t let it rest, and in a way I am grateful.  But in
another way, I am alittle annoyed.  Brian reaches out and pulls me into his
arms, and holds me close to him.  I feel that he is my lifeline.  No, I know he
is. 
 
I put my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his body – pulling him
closely to me.  I just can’t fathom my life without him.  I take a deep breath,
and try to gather my strength to tell him.  “I just . . . I have been having
these flashes,” I tell him quietly.
 
Brian runs his hand across my back, calming me.  “Of what,” he asks.
 
I try not to tense up with the question.  I try not to be afraid of his
reaction.  I know that Brian would understand, but it is hard for me to talk to
him about this.  Yes, he’s the only one who would understand, he’s the only one
who would know.  The problem lies with the fact that I know that he is just as
injured by that night as I am, more so.  I just don’t want hurt him anymore.  I
take a deep breath in order to get things in order in my mind.  “I think that I
having flashes from the prom,” I tell him without looking at him.
 
I feel him tense slightly under my head still running his hand across my back. 
“What do you remember?”
 
I just shrug slightly.  “I don’t know really.  I just get little bits and
pieces, nothing too major.  It’s like I’m looking at pictures, nothing more.  I
see very little, really.  I don’t know what’s being said, or anything, as I
said it’s just like a photo.  You know.  It’s never a lot, but it’s just. . . I
don’t know . . . strange I guess.  I don’t even know really what I see, or I
can’t even make any sense out of it.”
 
Brian only laid his head on top of mine and continued to hold me.  “Wanna tell
me what it is you DO see?”
 
I pull away slightly so that I can look him in the eye.  I don’t want to shut
him out, but I don’t even know what it is I am seeing.  “Let me try and figure
it out first.  Then I promise, I’ll tell you everything.  Okay?”  I know that
it hurts him that I’m not sharing with him what I am seeing, but truthfully, I
don’t even know anything for sure.  I know I will tell him, I have to – but not
yet.  Soon, but not at this time.
 
Brian only nodded and I move back down into his arms – hoping sleep will come
peacefully for me tonight.
 
******************
*Brian*
 
I take Lindz and Gus to Centennial Park while Justin is at work.  I figured
what the hell since I had to drive him to work anyway, why not take these two
around town.  Granted the only thing I can think of is what Justin told me last
night.  He is having flashbacks to the Prom. . . that can’t be good.  There
isn’t much from that night that was good, the dance and the first few minutes
in the garage is it.  That night was hell for me, and it almost killed me when
he remembered the actual bashing.  I still don’t think that he remembers that
fully, but he’ll never tell me differently.  The worst part is, I know I should
get him to open up and talk to me about it.  The thing is however, I am not
sure I can.  My own memories of that night are not the best.  No matter how
many times Justin tells me that it wasn’t my fault, I still feel that if I had
just been two seconds quicker. 
 
“You seem preoccupied.  Is everything okay,” Lindz asks me, pulling me out of
my thoughts of almost two years ago.  Two years, fuck!  Has it really been that
long?
 
“Everything’s fine, Lindz.  Don’t worry about it,” I tell her as I place Gus on
the ground.  The little hellion takes off as soon as his feet hit the ground,
and I can only shake my head in wonder.  He seems so free, without a care in
the world.  I wonder what it would be like to be that free?  I don’t think I
ever have been, at least I have no memory of it.  Not with the Warden and Jack
around always telling me that I was a mistake, and cursing the day I was born. 
I swore the day that Gus was born that he would NEVER have to go through what I
went through.  I don’t ever want him to feel that way.  I also hope that he
never has to feel the hate that others have toward us.  I know he’ll be treated
differently, of that I have no doubt.  Not many kids have two mommies and two
daddies, along with the fucked-up family that we have.  But he does have
something that a lot of other kids his own age don’t have – something that I
never had – he is loved unconditionally and fully. 
 
I may have given my rights over to Melanie, but I will make sure that he has a
better life than any of us ever had.  Nothing will stop me from making sure
that it happens. 
 
“Is Justin alright,” Lindz asks me, once again pulling me out of my thoughts. 
I have been doing that a lot lately – losing myself in my mind – thinking about
things that I am going to do.
 
Maybe that’s my problem – I’m thinking too much.  “He’s doing alright.  He just
has a lot going on right now.  School is starting up again soon for him, work,
me . . . it’s just a lot right now.”
 
“Bri, you can tell me.  I care about him too, and I worry about him.”
 
“I know you do. . . . it’s just,” I don’t even know where to begin.  Do I tell
her -- should I tell her?  Fuck!  There is a reason why I never believed in
relationships before.  But I need to talk about it.  I need . . . I don’t know
what I really need, actually.  “He’s having flashbacks to the Prom.”  It’s just
comes out of my mouth before I even realize it.  Lindsey always had a way of
getting shit out of me that I never wanted to expose.  What is it about here
that makes me do that?
 
“What type of flashbacks,” she asks me. 
 
We’re both looking out at Gus, and I know that she is wishing the same thing
for Gus that I did earlier – that our son will never have to go through what
Justin had to.  “He’s not really sure right now, I guess.  He just tells me
that they seem like little pictures, nothing concrete.”  I feel Lindsey place
her hand in my own, helping to ground me like she did that night.  I know
without her and Mickey, I never would’ve made it through those first few
hours.  “Before,” I begin.  “When I came down for the fourth last year . . . we
met with Marsha and talked about some things that he was remembering, about the
nightmares he was having.  He was remembering things – things like the
hospital, the ambulance ride, that sort of thing.  I remember wishing that he
would remember the good times.”
 
I close my eyes, and all I can see is that room, lite up in that blue light
that followed us across the dance floor.  The look in his eyes as we held each
other close, not caring and not seeing the others surrounding us.  “I think he
maybe remembering now.  I don’t know.”
 
“I remember sitting there, helping him get ready,” Lindz began.  “He looked so
handsome.  I wanted him to have a wonderful night.  Then we got the call . . .
and I just . . . I don’t know.  Then seeing you . . . I didn’t want to believe
it when the came call through, but I knew the moment I saw you sitting there in
the hallway . . .”

I forget at times that the others must’ve been affected by this the same way it
tortures and haunts me everyday.  I guess since no one really talked about it –
and I was sort of out of it that night – I never really knew what the others
thought, what they felt.  “It all turned out okay though,” I say.  For the most
part I believe it.
 
“Yeah it did.  I just wish that he never had to go through that.  I was so mad,
so furious at the sentencing hearing.  I have never felt that way before.”
 
That was a joke and a half – the sentencing hearing.  ‘Given the fact that he
was drinking – which he should not have been – I can understand how Chris Hobbs
can lose control of his better judgment.  Still that does not excuse these
actions, and so I have struggled to find the appropriate sentence.’  All I
wanted to do was take that son of a bitch and kill him with my bear hands. 
‘Lose control of his better judgment?’  what the fuck was that.  Yeah, let’s
just give this homophobic asshole a slap on the wrist while a great kid like
Justin has to live his life, the rest of his life, suffering.  That asshole’s
appropriate sentence at the AIDS hospice was a fucking fluke.  He still had a
way to get to Justin.
 
I still remember the look on Justin’s face when I came back to the loft and he
told me that he had seen that asshole.  I thought it was another nightmare, but
when he told me he saw him at the hospice, I sobered up right away.  I always
wondered what Hobbs had told him, what he had done to him.  The thought that he
told Justin that he had hoped he got AIDS and died sent a sudden rash of anger
through me.  I was so pissed, but I was just glad I was able to talk Justin
into going to Pride.  He couldn’t let that asshole win. 
 
All I know is that I NEVER want to go through that again.  I never want to have
to watch as Justin suffers through anymore nightmares.  I don’t want him to
have to think that the only thing he should be proud because he ‘got bashed and
didn’t die.’.  Never again.
 
“At least it’s over,” I tell Lindsey knowing full well that it was a lie.  It
will never be over.  The memories of that time will haunt us all for the rest
of our lives.  That time changed us all. 
 
“Yeah,” she whispers, knowing as well as I do that it is a lie.  We both look
out at Gus as he makes his way to the lighted Olympic rings at the entrance of
the park.  We try not to laugh as we watch Gus stand there, suddenly jumping as
the water shoots out toward him.  He looks over at us and laughs, loving the
fact that water is coming out of the ground and getting him wet.  This is what
every parent wants for their child.  They want their child happy, and to never
experience pain, and suffering.  These are the memories of my son that I will
cherish forever.  I will kill anyone who ever takes that smile off of my son’s
face.  This I know for a fact.
 
**************
*Justin*
 
Marsha came by and picked Lindsey up to go shopping, so Brian and I are getting
Gus ready to go to the zoo.  I can know that Gus will like it, and I can say
that I’m glad that we are being given this opportunity to spend time with this
little man who has brought me so much happiness.  Even when Brian and I were
having problems, or if I was scared or something, just holding Gus – seeing the
eyes that I love so much – everything seemed right.  I try not to laugh of
course as I watch Brian try to get Gus ready.  The terrible twos.  Gus is
definitely a handful right now, and I am still amazed at how good of a father
Brian is.  He’s not getting mad, or angry at Gus as the young guy runs away
from his father – his underwear in his hands.  Brian is laughing as he runs to
try and catch up with Gus.  I watch as Brian picks Gus up and holds him above
his head.  The look on their faces is pure happiness.  I think tonight I’ll
have to sketch this picture.  Father and son.
 
I know that Brian misses Gus, and that it almost kills him to be so far away. 
That is why I am glad that Lindsey came down.  Things haven’t been as bad as I
thought they would be.  I’m not uncomfortable, in fact I am actually enjoying
myself.  I thought that things would be awkward, but their not.  It makes me
wonder if I am ready to go back to Pittsburgh and face my final demon, to put
all of that shit behind me for good.  I know that I will never fully be able to
heal until I confront everything and everyone there.  I think I’m almost ready.
 
When Gus if finally ready we pack up the jeep and head downtown.  I decided
that I would use the wheelchair today, since Gus refuses to have a stroller. 
He’s a ‘big boy’ now you know.  He is too big to use a stroller – hence the
wheelchair.  I know that part way though the zoo he’s going to get tired, so
what better way to give him a break than to let him ride around with me.  Of
course this is not something I will ever tell Gus.  Let him think that I have
it today because I need it.  Really, I would’ve been fine just to use the
crutches, but I know how stubborn Gus can be – he’s too much like his father
that way. 
 
We make our way through the zoo, and I can’t help but watch as Brian and Gus
have their moment together.  They are so good together – laughing, playing,
smiling.  Their eyes light up as we watch the gorillas play, or the fish swim
by.  I can say one thing though, Brian is going to be spending at least 5 hours
on the treadmill after today.  Why Brian thought it necessary to get Gus cotton
candy is beyond me, but he said that ever child needs to have it when visiting
the zoo.  No one would ever believe me if I told them that Brian was sitting on
one of the benches eating cotton candy with his son.  Thank god I have my
camera, cause I plan on using this for future favors from him.  Hey I have to
look out for my best interests right?  Not that anyone else would see these
pictures, and there are some that I will not give to Lindsey, but I know that I
will cherish these for the rest of my life.
 
I still can’t believe the change in Brian in the past year.  I mean we always
had fun with Gus – just the three of us – but this is different.  Brian has
opened up a lot more, and I think that his relationship with Gus will only
grow.  He’s talking about when Gus starts school having him come down for the
summer to spend it with the two of us.  Brian has all these things planned out
– what he wants to do, where he wants to take Gus – everything.  And here he
thought that he wouldn’t be a good father. 
 
“You know we could always try and take him to Disney World,” I tell Brian.
 
I can just picture Brian standing by Mickey Mouse with those ears – it is just
too funny.  “Maybe,” he answers as he picks Gus up and we begin to move again. 
Our next stop is the wild cats – panthers, lions, tigers, cheetahs.  This is
where I see Brian at home.  He is definitely like one of these big cats.  He is
protective, caring, strong, everything that I see looking into these cat’s
eyes, I see in Brian’s.  No one messes with what is ‘his’.  I know that for a
fact.  Like when Hobbs tried to hit me outside of Woodies that night.  Brian
stood right in front of me, protecting me.  I know he’s protected Michael many
times over the years.  I hate to be the person who would ever try and hurt
Gus.  That is something that I don’t think would end well.  Brian would kill
the person – that I know for a fact.
 
Unfortunately Gus and Lindsey are leaving in two days.  I wish that they were
staying longer, but I am also a realist.  Life goes on, and we can’t live in
this fantasy world forever.  And that’s what this time has been like for me – a
fantasy.  It feels like Brian and I are a real family – just the two of us with
our son.  Okay so I know that will never happen, but it still feels . . . . I
don’t know right some how. 
 
Tomorrow we’re taking the two to Stone Mountain for the laser light show.  Then
they will be on a plane back to Pittsburgh.  I don’t want them to go.  Granted
if there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of years it is that
you cherish the time that you have together cause you never know when it will
all come to an end.  You never know what will happen, and if the person will be
there tomorrow.  That’s how I’ve been living my life lately.  I try to just
take things one day at a time – make the most out of every days, as if it is my
last one on Earth.  I know what it’s like to have things taken away, and I made
a promise to myself to have no regrets when I do finally leave this world.  I
don’t ever want to have my loved ones think that they should’ve done this or
done that.  No, I don’t want anyone to have any regrets, not about me.  Live
life to the fullest, that’s my new motto.  Live every day as if it is my last. 
Cherish every moment that I have with Brian, and make him happy is my goal in
life.  There will be no regrets or should’ve done this about our relationship. 
I will not allow it, and I know Brian feels the same. 
 
Never again will we allow our doubt, and fears tear us apart.  We will just
take comfort in the fact that we have been given this chance, and we will most
definitely make the most out of every moment that we are together.  Nothing
will change the way we feel about each other, and nothing will ever tear us
apart again.
 
Looking at Brian as he glances at me, I have to smile.  The love that we share
for each other is like a shining beacon in the night.  I am almost positive
that everyone walking past can see it.  You’d have to be blind not to.  We are
happy, and we are in love.  This is what I had always dreamed of, what I had
always wanted.  I think that I’ll have to prove that to Brian tonight – when
we’re alone. . . in bed . . .. all night long.  Okay so he is not in doubt, but
it’s still fun to prove these things to each other.  It definitely means a lot
of sleepless nights – and not in a bad way either.
 
We love each other unconditionally.  Nothing will tear us apart again. 
Nothing.
 
I just have to prove that to everyone who ever doubted us before.  I have to
show them that this is meant to be.  I have to do that for myself, and our
future.
 
**************
*Lindsey*
 
We’re sitting here on this little hill facing the mountain side and I can’t
help but smile.  Justin and Brian are sitting next to me with Gus, and all I
can think of is how much they look, how much we look like a family.  You can
see how much they love each other and how much Gus means to them both.  I
honestly don’t know how Brian would be if Justin hadn’t come into his life the
same night that Gus was born.  Would Brian be like he is now with his son? 
Would he have even cared?  I don’t know, and I am glad that I will never find
out.  When Mel and I started talking about having a child, the first and only
person I could think of to father the child was Brian.  I always knew in my
heart that he would make a wonderful father, and am glad that I was right. 
 
I also know that Justin is a big part of it. 
 
Justin showed Brian how to open up, something that I was afraid would never
happen.  Yes, we had a lot of fun in college, and he told me a lot about his
life.  I know he cares about me, Michael, everyone, but it was Justin who
allowed Brian to open up enough so that he could show his feelings without
being afraid of the consequences.  Something that I was unable to do in the
years that I have known him – heck it is something that Michael had been unable
to do in the many years that he had known Brian.  I knew from the moment that I
had met Justin that he was different.  I mean Brian never would’ve let a trick
near his son – he would never had asked for a trick’s opinion on the name of
the child.  I don’t know who it was that had convinced Brian to say he liked
Gus better.  A part of me likes to think that since I had liked that name
better that it was me, but I know better.  It was Justin, of that there is no
doubt in my mind.  And when I had found out that they had been together more
than once. . . well I knew then that Brian was lost. 
 
The two of them have been through so much, and seeing them now – happy – I am
glad that I had been here to see it all.  If anyone deserves to be happy it’s
the two of them. 
 
Justin is rolling around on the ground with Gus, and I fight the urge to tell
Justin to be careful.  I mean he still has his leg in a cast-type thing, he
hasn’t healed fully yet.  But I know that he wouldn’t have it any other way. 
He wouldn’t stop playing with Gus, even if he was in a full body cast.  That’s
just the way he is.  I hope Gus grows up to be like him.  Justin is so strong,
so full of life, that I know I want that for my son. 
 
And Brian – well I can say that NO ONE will ever believe me.  Brian has been so
tentive to Gus this past week.  He has done everything to make Gus happy.  Of
course I have to find a way to get all this stuff home, but I don’t think that
will be a problem.  Between my shopping, and all the gifts that Brian and
Justin have gotten Gus, I think I may have to convert my studio into a play
room for Gus. 
 
I know that Mel would never believe that Brian would’ve ever gotten on that
train with Gus.  Thank god I have pictures.  Blackmail material is good at
times when it comes to Brian.  I have to keep my options open.  But truthfully,
it fortifies my knowledge at how much Brian loves his son, our son. 
 
“So GusGus,” Justin asks Gus as he sits up and hands him over to Brian.  “You
ready to see some lights?”
 
I have heard about the light show that they have, and I know that I can’t wait
to see it.  The music and light display is one of the best in the nation from
what I’ve heard.  “I know I am,” I say looking at Brian and Gus.
 
“Light, light,” Gus answers cheerfully as he reaches for Brian’s face.  “Dadda,
light.”
 
“Yeah, we’re going to see some lights.  Aren’t we sonnyboy?”
 
“Light.”
 
Brian lifts Gus up and throws him up in the air, catching him on the way down. 
I HATE it when he does that.  I am always afraid that he’ll miss.  I know that
Brian would never purposely hurt Gus, but still the fear is still there.  As
the sky gets darker, the show starts.  I sit there and watch Gus’ face light up
and the mountain side shows an elaborate display of lights.  Occasionally he
would laugh and point as things lit up the surface.  “Twain,” he yelled as a
train made it’s way from one end of the mountain to the other.  Brian said that
he was going to get Gus a train set, and I can only wonder where in the world I
would put it.  Every now and then Justin or Brian would point something out to
Gus, and he would laugh in delight.
 
All I can think of as our trip is coming to a close – these are the memories
that I will cherish forever. 
 
Tomorrow Gus and I will be on the plane heading back home.  I’m not sure when I
will see Justin and Brian again, but I know that I will do whatever I can to
keep them in our lives.  I will not allow Gus to be without either one of
them.  This is what family is about.  This is what love is about.
 
**************
 
***** Chapter 5 *****
                            Part 8 of For All Time
                                  By: Acacia
                                        
                        Last night I had a crazy dream
                        a wish was granted just for me
                           it could be for anything
                            I didn't ask for money
                            or a mansion in Malibu
                  I simply wished for one more day with you!
                          One more day, one more time
                    one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
                    but then again, I know what it would do
               Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
                            one more day...........
                     One More Day With You by Diamond Rio
                                        
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
*Justin*
 
Why? 
 
It’s getting late, and instead of getting ready for bed, doing homework, or
making dinner for when Brian comes home, I can only sit here on the couch and
stare at the phone.  I feel as if everything just stopped – the world just came
to an end.  I know something is wrong, but what I don’t know.  And that scares
me to no end. 
 
Can I do it?  Can I go back?  Even if it only to see my mother, and find out
what is going on.  Can I go back to that town?  The very place that everything
went so wrong?  No matter what, I know I have to; I have to know what is going
on. 
 
When I got home, my Mom had called me.  She seemed distracted, sad.  I remember
asking her what was wrong.  She told me that she couldn’t tell me over the
phone, she wanted me to come home for a while. 
 
Come home. . .
 
Fuck!  What am I going to do?  Can I face all of them?  What is wrong with my
Mom? 
 
I wonder if my dad did something, said something.  Is he trying to take Molly
away from my Mom, that she feels she needs to see me?  Is something wrong with
Grandma?  All of these thoughts are running through my head, and there are no
answers.  No there are answers, I just have to go back there to find them. 
Which leads me back to the question of whether or not I can actually do it.
 
If I knew that I wouldn’t have to see them, wouldn’t have to talk to them, I
think I could do it. . . but with my luck lately, I know that it is an empty
thought.  No, I will see them; I will have to talk to them.  I will have to
deal with everything that I have tried to push away into the deep recesses of
my mind for the past year.  It’s time to face the facts, the past.
 
Shaking my head I dial the number for reservations.  It’s now or never,
Justin.  Quit being a fucking drama princess and face the facts.  Fuck, why is
this so hard?
 
“Yeah, I need to find out when your next available flight to Pittsburgh is.”
 
After getting the information, I don’t even bother to try and reserve the
ticket yet.  I will wait.  I have to wait and tell Brian what I am doing. 
Hell, I have to see if I can even get the time off of work.  Why is this shit
happening?  Just when things are starting to look up, something comes along and
fucks it up for me.  Something comes and throws ice cold water on me, bringing
me out of my dream world and into reality. 
 
As soon as I hear the door open, I know that I can’t wait.  If I see Brian, I
will lose any resolve that I may have.  I’ll just say fuck it, and not even
go.  I am so afraid that if I go back there, THIS – what I have here – will all
go away.  I know it’s stupid, but dammit I don’t know what is going on
anymore.  I have always felt that this is just some make believe world, that
one day I will wake up and find myself back in Pittsburgh – without Brian.  I
would find myself back in the world where everything is so fucked up, that all
I want to do is get away.  This past year has been like a dream for me.  It’s
what I have always wanted, what I always had craved.  I know I’m being
irrational.  I know it.  What Brian and I have is real, and I shouldn’t be
worried about going back to that place.
 
But why is my heart racing and my palms sweating?
 
“I need some time off of work,” I state, hoping that my voice sounds strong,
and I’m not letting any of my wayward emotions show.
 
“How much time, and why,” Brian asks. 
 
I can hear him behind me throwing his jacket into one of the chairs and going
through the refrigerator looking for something to eat.  What can I tell him? 
“I’m not sure, really.”  Suddenly I see Brian sitting in front of me on the
coffee table and I can feel myself almost break down.  “My Mom called and said
she needed to talk to me about something.  She didn’t go into what it was
about, but I can tell that it’s important.”
 
Brian just nodded and reached out for my hand.  I feel the phone leave my hand,
and I smile slightly.  I didn’t even realize I still had it in my hand.  I
guess I even more fucked up than I thought.  “She didn’t give you any clue as
to what was going on?”
 
I shake my head, and shrug.  If I knew what was going on, I wouldn’t be in this
spot now.  I wouldn’t be thinking that this is my Mom’s way of trying to make
things better, to fix things.  She has been on me for months to come home and
see everyone.  I always have an excuse of course – work, school, whatever.  But
the tone of her voice this time tells me that I HAVE to go back there, and I
think that is what scares me the most.  Something is wrong, and I can’t do
anything from here.  I have to go.  “No, but she sounded off.  Something is
going on, and I don’t know. . . There’s a flight tomorrow afternoon.  I didn’t
get the ticket yet, cause I had to see if I can get off.  I don’t even know how
long I’ll be gone, what’s going on. . .I don’t know anything.”
 
Brian reached out and put his hand on my chin, forcing me to look up at him. I
know that I have tears in the corner of my eyes, and I hate it that I am so
fucking weak.  Just once I want to be strong, and not let things get to me as
much as they do.  I don’t want to be some little faggot who cries at the drop
of a hat.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath – hoping to calm my nerves. 
“Okay, reserve the ticket,” Brian began taking charge.  How he always seems to
be able to do that is beyond me.  It’s what I want to be able to do.  I want to
be in charge, to be able to stay clam.  “I’ll clear everything at work, talk to
Vance.  You should be able to work out of the offices up there if it takes a
while, whatever this is.  I have a meeting up there in a couple of days, so
I’ll join you then.”
 
I can only nod in agreement.  I don’t know what to think right now, and as much
as I hate it, I am grateful that Brian is so calm.  “Okay.”  I reach over to
the phone and hold it in my hand again.  “I need to call Kate, and Kevin let
them know.  I need to get a hold of my professors and FUCK!”  Dammit, this
couldn’t have come at a worse time.  I was going to be starting my first term
at school, and now I may have to drop it.  This has to be some sort of sign
that I was not meant to go to school.  “I need to call Marsha. . . “
 
Brian reaches and takes the phone out of my hand.  The next thing I know he is
sitting next to me and pulling me in his arms.  Why is this shit happening to
me?  “Shhhh,” he tries to calm me.  I feel so fucking lost, so helpless.  The
only thing I can think of doing right now is hold Brian to me as closely as I
can.  I don’t know if I can do this.  “I’ll take care of all the phone calls,
you just worry about getting the ticket, and packing.  Okay,” he asks me.  I
can feel his lips on the top of my head and with each light kiss I can feel the
ground coming back below me.  I don’t know what it is about Brian’s kisses that
have a way of grounding me, but I am glad that he is here.  Of course they also
have a way of making me enter another world entirely, but for now, I am just
happy to be here in the now.
 
Brian pulled back slightly and looked down at me.  I feel the phone back in my
hand, and I smile slightly up at him.  God, I love this man.  “Okay, first
you’re going to call and get the ticket.  Then you’re going to order something
to eat. . . I’m hungry.”
 
“Ticket. . .food.  Got it,” I answer back with a smile.  I know that if I can
just handle two days without him around. . .just two days on my own.  God I
don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I won’t let him down.  I won’t let
myself down.
 
*********************
 
As I sit there watching the plane taxi out onto the runway, I can only think
about my Mom’s voice on the phone.  She sounded strange to me.  It has been
bugging me since she had called, and I didn’t get any sleep last night.  “Wanna
talk about it,” I hear a voice beside me state.

I turn to my right and smile slightly.  How in the world Brian convinced Marsha
to come with me is beyond me, but I am glad that she is here.  The more I
thought about being there alone – the more I felt that I was going to drown.  I
feel like I’m walking into the surf during a strong storm, and the water is
getting higher and higher – trying to pull me under.  Marsha’s calm demeanor is
keeping me afloat, same as what Brian’s was last night.  How many times have I
said the two were alike?  “There really isn’t much to talk about.  My Mom
called and said she needed to see me.  I don’t know what’s going on,” I tell
her. 
 
Last night Brian told me to get two tickets instead of one, and I guess in my
clouded mind it didn’t even register.  After I ordered dinner, Brian took the
phone from me and started to make his own calls.  By the time dinner had
arrived, I had a traveling companion, school was taken care of, and I would be
working out of the Pittsburgh offices until further notice.  I also had the
keys to the loft, and a rental car as well.  I don’t know how he does that, but
I know that if he hadn’t taken charge, I would still be sitting there with the
phone in my hand and nothing being done. 
 
I don’t know what I would do without Brian in my life.  I don’t ever want to
find out.
 
Marsha placed her hand on my arm, bringing me out of my thoughts.  “Okay,
listen,” she said.  I look up at her and listen. . . really listen.  Marsha has
ways of getting me to do things. . .think of things that I wouldn’t otherwise
think of.  Since I started seeing her she has helped me through the hard times,
and I know that with her here that she will help me through this as well. 
“First off, you’re going to clear your mind.  You’re thinking the worse right
now, and without any information to go on, you’re only going to make yourself
sick.  Don’t think about it.  Close your eyes,” she tells me. 
 
We’ve come up with ways to calm me when I get like this.  Marsha tells me that
with the PTSD, I make things a lot worse than they seem a lot of times.  I know
that I do, but I can’t help it.  We came up with some relaxation techniques
early on in our sessions to help me calm down.  I guess, no I know I get worked
up over the little things, stress over things that I have no control over.  But
dam, can you blame me?  I mean, I have seen the worse, and I always have this
fear that I just wasn’t meant to be happy, I wasn’t meant to be calm.  I close
my eyes, and picture myself sitting on that beach that we went to on New
Years.  Taking deep breaths, I can almost picture the surf slamming against the
rocks, the warmth of the fire, and Brian’s arms around me keeping me safe. 
After a couple of minutes, I start to feel the tension leave me, and I smile
slightly remembering how that trip ended. 
 
“Okay,” I hear Marsha’s voice enter into my thoughts.  Her calming voice is
adding another anchor to me – grounding me to reality, to sanity.  “Now, open
your eyes.”  Reluctantly I do, and I turn to face her – calmer than I was a
couple of minutes ago.  “Don’t think about it right now.  Push any thoughts of
horror out of your mind.  There is nothing that you can do right now, and you
don’t even know what is going on.  When we land, we’ll go to the loft, get
settled, then we’ll go to your Mom’s.  Okay.  Don’t worry right now about
anything else.  Don’t worry about the others who are there.”  I nod in
agreement, knowing that worrying about this isn’t going to do anyone any good –
least of all me.  “We’ll deal with all of that later.  Right now, just keep
your mind clear, and everything will work out.”
 
“Thanks,” I tell her.  And I am once again grateful that she is here.  I
would’ve been worrying about this, making myself sick the entire trip home.  I
give her a small smile and turn to look out the window.  Watching the sun
reflect off the clouds, I allow myself to get lost in the beauty of the sight. 
There will be a time to get scared, to worry, but for now it is time to just
allow myself to get lost.  Right now, no one needs me, so I can allow myself to
disappear.  Disappear in the wide open sky – free of everything.  Disappear to
a place where there is no pain, no sorrow, no regrets.  I need my strength for
when I find out whatever it is that wrong.
 
****************
 
The entire trip from the airport to the loft, Marsha and I never say a word. 
Trust me, I don’t know what to say, and we both know that I need to keep my
wits about me.  I am afraid that if I open my mouth, I will lose everything
that I have spent the last couple of hours achieving.  I will lose the calm
that I have discovered.  When we entered the loft, I realize that Brian had
already taken care of everything here as well.  I wondered the night before
what and who he was talking to, but once I stepped foot in the loft I knew.  He
had everything turned back on, and the place cleaned up for our unexpected
arrival.  I try not to smile knowing that Brian is almost always one step ahead
of me when it comes to this.  Where I forget things, he already has them done. 
Of course where he forgets, I make up for him.  We are perfect for each other,
and this is just another thing that proves my point.  We make up for the
other’s short-comings, and we compliment each other so fully.  Neither one of
us would be whole without the other.  I’m just glad that he had realized that,
when I knew from the beginning that we were made for each other. 
 
I put the bags in the bedroom, glad that I left the wheelchair at home.  The
loft is not made for that type of thing.  It’s hard enough to get around with
the crutches, and I suddenly realize how hard it will be at my Mom’s condo. 
All of those damn steps.  Fuck!  One thing at a time, I tell myself.  I hear
Marsha on the phone, letting Brian know that we made it.  I know that there is
no way I can talk to him right now.  I know that if I do, whatever I have
gained will be lost.  When she hangs up the phone, we make our way out of the
loft, always making sure the alarm is set and everything is locked up.  I
learned that lesson.  The only words that are said between us are directions to
my Mom’s condo.  
 
Traffic isn’t too bad this time of day, and we make it in record time.  I take
a deep breath as we pull up into the driveway, and get out.  I knock on the
door and wait for my Mom to answer.  Seeing her on the other side of the door,
I almost lose it.  She doesn’t look well at all, and I can feel the panic rise
up within me.  Nothing is said as we all make our way up to the living room.  I
know that Molly is at school, so we don’t have to worry about being
interrupted.  All I can do now is wait.  Wait to find out what is going on.
 
“Can I get you anything to drink,” Mom asks us as we take a seat on the couch. 
I shake my head, but Marsha asks for a cup of coffee. 
 
When my Mom leaves to get the drink, I can feel Marsha’s hand on my shoulder
keeping me grounded, and I let her comfort me.  All I can think of is that I
don’t know what’s going on, and I’m already freaking out.  What will I be like
when it all comes out?  How will I react?  Okay, so I’m getting all worked up,
and I don’t know what to do.  When my Mom comes back she has a pot of coffee
and three cups.  Of course her cup has tea in it, and knowing that things
haven’t really changed all that much does bring a small smile to my face.  My
Mom still doesn’t drink coffee.  “What’s going on, Mom?” 
 
Okay, so I’m not really subtle.  I watch as she puts her cup down and turns to
face me.  “Sweetheart, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
 
Why is it that every time a parent says those words, it shoots fear through
your body?  When a parent says those words – hell when anyone says those words
– I know that something is wrong.   “Mom?”
 
“I went to the doctor yesterday,” she tells me.  Just hearing those words,
hearing that she had seen a doctor . . . I fear the worse.  I close my eyes,
and try to keep myself calm.  In, out.. . .in, out. .  . I try to command my
breathing.   Keep calm.  It’s not working cause all I want to do is yell,
scream, ‘Why did you see a doctor?  What’s wrong?’  But I keep silent, knowing
that she will have to tell me in her own way. . . on her own time. . . 
“Sweetheart, there’s something I need to tell you.  Something I need you to
promise me.”
 
I can only nod, knowing that I whatever it is she’s going to tell me, I will
allow myself a while to be sad and angry.  Then I will have to be strong, for
her, for Molly.  It’s the least I can do, after all the times she was there for
me.  “Whatever I can do, Mom, I’ll do it.  Just tell me what I can do.”
 
“Oh, sweetheart, I love you,” she says as she pulls me into a hug.  We both
allow this slight comfort for a couple of minutes, neither one of us wanting to
face reality.  But it is short lived as she pulls away and takes my hand into
hers.  “Last week, I . . . uh. . . I found a lump on my breast.  I went to the
doctor yesterday, and he confirmed what I had suspected.”
 
As she tells me, my mind is screaming.  This is so unfair!  It can’t be!  “Tell
me,” I whisper trying to get my voice to work through the damn lump in my
throat. 
 
“I have breast cancer,” she states.  I can feel the knife pushing it’s way into
my chest with her words.  “They say that it’s pretty far along, and they will
have to operate. . . . remove the infected area, and see how far it might have
spread.  There will be Chemotherapy, and . . . they say that there is a good
chance that they can get it all.”
 
No. . .. this can’t be happening.  I close my eyes tighter, wanting to
disappear.  I want to go back to that place where everything is calm.  “When?”
 
“The sooner I can get in, the better.”
 
“What do you want me to do,” I ask.  I know in my heart I will do everything I
can to help her.  She had told me on the phone last night that Dad was away on
an extended business trip and won’t be around.  I know that someone will have
to take care of Molly, and her.  I know that she will want me to do that, to
help her and Molly, and it’s killing her to have to put me through this, but I
know I wouldn’t be anywhere else.  She’s my Mom, and I’d do anything for her. 
 
God, why is this happening?
 
*******************
 
Marsha and I spent the rest of the day there with my Mom going over what we
were going to do.  Tomorrow, we will take Mom to the doctor’s so that she can
get the tests done, and prepare for surgery on Monday.  The next couple of days
will be hectic as we make plans for Molly, and the surgery.  Everything is
going to be transferred to my name, so that if anything goes on, I can take
care of it.  What can’t be transferred, I will have the Power of Attorney to
help me.  We discuss things that I never thought I’d be discussing with my
mother.  Things like what will happen if the surgery is unsuccessful, if
something happens to her.  Who will take care of Molly, what will happen to
everything else.  During the entire evening I feel myself shutting down.  I
know that I can’t break down yet, I have to be strong.  I allowed myself time
to be sad before Molly came home, but once she entered into the house, I put on
my best happy face and refused to let her see what was going on.  I know that
this will be hard on her, but I swear that I will not let anything touch her. 
Molly’s young, she is allowed to be sad.  She will need me to help her through
this, and I will not let her down. 
 
When we arrived back at the loft, I finally allow myself the time to grieve.  I
call Brian and tell him what’s going on, and I curl up on the bed, wishing
things were back to the way they were before.  Wishing that he was there
holding me, loving me, keeping me strong.  I allow Brian’s calming voice sooth
me, taking me to that place again.  I allow him to take me away from this harsh
reality, and into another plain of existence.
 
I find myself waking up, not even realizing that I fell asleep.  I look up at
the clock, and see that it is morning, and the phone is back in it’s cradle by
the bed.  I feel different this morning – stronger.  I think I am finally ready
to face this thing, do what I have to do.  I sit up in bed and reach over to
the table side me.  Pulling out a pad of paper, I begin to write.  There’s so
much that I have to do, so much that needs to be done, and the only way I’ll
survive this is if I have everything already planned out.  What I will do, what
needs to be done, who needs to be told.  Everything. 
 
Mom’s doctor appointment isn’t until ten, so that will give me time to go to
Molly’s school, and get all the papers signed allowing me to pick her up, and
for them to contact me if anything arises.  While Mom’s at her appointment, I
will stop by Mel’s office and get the power of Attorney written up, so I can
get a copy of that over to the bank, and everywhere else that will need it. 
Then I will have to stop in at Vanguard so that I can get things set up for my
beginning work on Tuesday. 
 
List completed, I quickly shower and dress.  Thankfully, Marsha is already up
and coffee is made.  I think both her and Brian realize that since I am going
to have to take care of Mom and Molly that I will most likely not be taking
care of myself.  I know this is what will happen, and I guess they had talked
last night after I fell asleep about what to do with me.  It’s not like I would
intentionally NOT take care of myself, it’s just that when I get on something .
. . work on something, I tend to forget certain things.  I just push and push
until I get what I want done.  Hey, it worked in getting Brian, so why can’t it
work now?
 
There is so much to do, that I just can’t take the time to worry about anything
else. 
 
We head over to Mom’s and take Molly to school.  I know that we will have to
sit down and explain this to her, but right now she’s so happy to see me, that
I don’t want to ruin it for her.  Let her have at least a day of happiness
before her world comes crashing in on her.  Let her be free of the pain for
just a little longer.  That is all I want for her.  I will do everything in my
power to try and keep her happy and away from all of this mess. 
 
I walk her into the school, and then went straight into the main office.  “Can
I help you?”
 
“Yes, I’m Molly Taylor’s brother, and I need to speak to someone about getting
some papers changed,” I tell the woman behind the counter.

”What is this reguarding,” the lady asks.  I know she is wondering what this
kid is doing here asking to change papers, but I was expecting some possible
problems.
 
“Our mother is sick, and I will need to change my sister’s paperwork.  If you
can just give me what I need, that way I can take it to my mother it would be
greatly appreciative.”  I know that they won’t take my word for it, and that
whatever needs to be done Mom will have to sign off on it.  But thankfully by
the end of the day everything will – hopefully – be taken care of.  By the end
of the day, all my Mom will have to worry about is getting better.  At least
that’s my goal. 
 
The lady gives me the paperwork to fill out, and shows me where Mom will have
to sign.  With papers in hand, it’s time to take Mom to her doctor’s
appointment, then it’s off to see Melanie.  I know I will have to tell the
others, but I’m not sure I am ready for that yet.  They will be asking
questions that I don’t know the answers to, and I want to be prepared.  All I
want to do is tell them about what’s happening, and NOT get into anything
else.  I am not ready yet for everything else to get out into the open.  I am
not ready to face all the shit that happened before I left town, and the
reasons behind them. 
 
No, the first meeting with the gang will be only about my Mom, nothing else.  I
will deal with the rest later.
 
******************
 
I told Melanie everything, and for once I was grateful for the Attorney/Client
privilege.  She wrote up the papers and by the end of the day everything was
set.  I had a General Power of Attorney, and even through I hated the thought,
I also was assigned as Executor of my mom’s living will and estate.  I hope
that it won’t come down to using those last two, but I still have them just in
case.  I tell Melanie that I want to talk to everyone the next day, and asked
if she could get everyone over to her place.  She tells me that she will take
care of it, and not to worry about it.  I know she won’t tell anyone what’s
going on, and I am glad that she will handle that.  I know I wouldn’t be able
to. 
 
That night Mom and I sat Molly down and told her what was going on.  I held her
as she cried, and yelled.  She was screaming at the top of her lungs at how
unfair it all was.  She fell asleep in my arms, and I held her all night long. 
I remember all the times that she would come into my room after a nightmare or
something and we just held on to one another – chasing away all the bad
monsters.  We took comfort in each other’s presence, knowing that no matter
what happens we will be there for each other.  No one will tear us apart. 
 
The next day was the beginning of the weekend, and I know that Brian will be
coming up here tomorrow afternoon.  I know that I could wait for him to be here
with me to tell the others, but I need to do this on my own.  I need to get
this out of the way, cause I’ll need him with me more when I actually start to
confront the past, but for now, this is something I have to do alone.  Mom and
Molly are spending the day alone together, and I know that they both will need
that time to themselves.  They are doing a lot of ‘female bonding’ things that
I will never understand. 
 
Marsha follows me to Mel and Lindsey’s house, and I take a deep breath before I
knock on the door.  I look around the living room and see that everyone is
already there.  They are all shocked to see me, happy even.  I allow a couple
of minutes of hugs, and everything before I sit down in one of the chairs.  “I
just wanted to tell all of you something, and I guess this was the easiest
way.”  I look around and see the confusion in their faces.  We all know that
there are things that need to be addressed, but now is not the time, and I need
to keep them focuses on what is currently going on.  Marsha is standing beside
me, and I use her presence to keep me focused.  “I got a call from my mom a
couple of days ago, and that’s why I’m here.”
 
“Is everything alright,” Lindsey asks. 
 
I shake my head, and look around the room.  These people are our family.  They
took me and my family into their little circle, and they have stood by my Mom
through everything.  I turn directly toward Deb, knowing that she is the
closest to my Mom, and I close my eyes briefly.  “No, not really.”  I open my
eyes again, and look directly at Deb.  I can see that she is worried, and I
hate that I’m causing her more pain.  She loves my Mom, and this will tear her
apart.  “My mom has breast cancer, and she goes into surgery on Monday.”
 
The silence is deafening, as everyone processes what I have told them.  Deb
starts crying and I open my arms to her.  I don’t know how long we sat there,
holding each other, crying, but for that one moment, I feel like I’m home.
 
*************
For All Time Interlude #8
                                  By: Acacia
                                        
                   (Oh) Let the sun fall down all around you
             Let the night surround you in a blanket of starlight
                          I'll whisper you a lullaby
                             Let the sun fall down
                                        
                  That old dark cloud acts like he knows you
       He takes up too much time, time you could be spending holding me
                           But he can't have you now
                       It's you and me here in this room
                     Let the Sun Fall Down  by Kim Richey
******   ******
******   ******
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
 
 
 
*Brian*
 
I get off the plane and immediately start to look for Marsha.  When I called
her this morning, she told me that she would be picking me up.  Evidently
Justin wanted to talk to the gang today, and she would be there for a while,
and then come and get me.  She wanted to allow him some time alone with them. 
Of course I’m pissed.  Why the fuck she’s leaving Justin alone with them is
beyond me.  She knows the hell he went through when he was still living here. 
Of course I have to remember that this is Justin we’re talking about, and that
does make me feel a little nervous. 
 
When I talked to Justin last night, I could almost tell that he was different. 
Something within him had changed with the news.  It was like he was the same
little twink who had captured my heart two years ago.  He was the same kid who
was so determined to have me that he would do anything in order to prove to me
that we belonged together.  Fuck!  I am happy that the old determination is
back, but I am also afraid of what the outcome of this will be.  Justin is
strong.  There is no doubt about that in my mind, but he has also been through
a lot of shit these past couple of years, and to have this happen. . . I don’t
know what this will do to him. 
 
When Justin called me that night, after he had found out what was wrong – I had
to stop myself from getting in the car, or chartering a plane to get here.  If
it wasn’t for Marsha telling me that he needed to do this on his own, for his
own sake, then I would have.  It kills me that he needs to do this alone, but
I’ll make sure that he knows I am there for him.  Of course, if there is
anything I can do without him knowing about it, I will do it.  She told me that
this would be a test for him, and if he is going to get through it, he needs to
feel like he is doing it on his own.  He needs to feel that he is strong enough
to handle something like this, without the help of others.  Of course I’ll make
sure to let him know that he can ask for help if it gets too much for him, and
for MY sake, my sanity, he’d better. 
 
It’s almost like the past two years have been a test, a trial run.  This is the
real deal.  Justin has felt out of sorts since the bashing, and I understand. 
He has felt like he has had to rely on everyone else for things, and he needs
to feel that he is able to be strong.  From what I understand, he was actually
starting to feel strong enough last year, but that was before the accident. 
With his current . . .disabilities . . . fuck I hate that word!  With his
current problems, he needs to feel like he can do something for someone else,
help someone else.  And I’ll let him have that.  I’ll let Justin feel that he
is able to handle this on his own. . . but he’s going to know that I’m there
for him. 
 
Justin will take care of his mom, and Molly, but I’m not going to just sit
around and let him do it alone.  Fuck that!  No, I’m going to make sure that
the others stay the fuck away.  Let Justin handle what he needs to handle, but
I will not allow anyone else to try and tell him what to do, what should
happen, or hell, what he should be feeling.  No, I know Justin.  Justin will
try and keep a strong, brave front with everyone.  He will not allow his
emotions to overtake him.  The damn kid is like that. . . I did learn that with
the bashing and the accident.  Justin would always show a brave front with
everyone, never letting them know when he was upset, but luckily I was almost
always able to get past that, and allow him to let it out.  No, the others will
not say word fucking one to him about anything.  When I feel he’s ready is when
we can let them in, but not a second sooner.  I will not let them hurt him
anymore.
 
I see Marsha and head over to her.  “Where is he?”
 
“He’s still at Melanie and Lindsey’s.  He told me to come and get you,” she
said with a slight smile.  Just the thought of him alone there scares the shit
out of me.  I was fine with him being there as long as one of us was with him,
but now he’s there alone.  They’d better not say word one to him or there will
be hell to pay.  “He’s holding up well, all things considered. . .but Brian,”
she begins.  I look over to her and we both know what needs to be done.  Justin
needs to let it out, he needs a break. 
 
I nod, knowing what needs to be done.  Tonight, I’ll send Marsha away so that
Justin and I can be alone.  Tonight Justin and I need to escape reality for a
while, especially after he’s been there with all of them. . . alone.  Damn, I
know they mean well, but they don’t know what they do to him.  They don’t see
the scars that their ‘help’ has given him over the years.  They have never seen
the bleeding wounds that their ‘help’ has left him with.  They just don’t
realize any of it, and that’s what pisses me off the most.  They don’t realize
what all their help, supposed help, has done to that beautiful young man.  They
don’t realize that their help is why he ran away. 
 
I know they believe that they were trying to protect me, but all they did was
almost destroy the both of us.  They believe that they were helping us realize
things all along, but all they did was make things worse.  “Let’s get over
there,” I tell her.  I am NOT leaving him here alone.  Justin is never to be
alone again. . .not if I can help it.
 
***********
 
I walk into the muncher’s house, and immediately seek out Justin.  I can almost
see the relief in his eyes as he looks up at me, and I know I made the right
decision.  I know he said he wanted to handle this alone, and that I should
wait for him at the loft, but we don’t always get what we want.  To hell with
that shit.  Justin needs me, and I’m not going to let him down.  I sit down on
the arm of the chair, pulling Justin hand into my own, and look out over the
group.  Silently I’m telling them to leave him the fuck alone, to stay the fuck
out of it.  For their sake I hope they understand.  “So anyway, everything is
basically set, and all we can do is wait,” Justin says, finishing whatever he
was telling them before I came in.  I know I’ll get the whole thing from him
later, and at least with me he won’t have to hide his feelings.  Just hearing
his voice right now, so empty of emotions, scares the hell out of me.  He’s
hiding it from the others, and I silently curse them for allowing it to get
this far.
 
Justin is a part of this family, and he should be allowed to feel.  But they
have made him feel isolated instead of welcomed.  They have allowed him to WANT
to stay closed off from them, and this will definitely be fixed before we go
home.  I will not let this continue.  “Is there anything we can do, sweetie?”
Deb asks. 
 
I try not to let my anger show. . .for Justin’s sake.  I mean I know they mean
well. . .they really do care about him.  But dammit where the hell were they
when he needed them before?  No, don’t think about that right now.  I can’t
ruin this for Justin; I’ll just have to deal with the fallout later.  “Mel has
already taken care of everything that I need legally, and Molly is taken care
of.  Mom has her doctor’s appointments, and everything is already set.  There’s
nothing else to be done now except wait.  Wait to see what will happen.” 
 
I close my eyes as I hear him talk.  Just hearing him talk about this like it
was a project at work or something is tearing me apart.  I now know the full
extent of what he feels, and what he feels he can’t share with anyone here.  I
hate that things are so bad that he feels he can’t share things with these
people, this family – our family.  I guess a part of me is finally realizing
the full extent of the hurt he went through last year.  What they did – or
didn’t do, in this case – to him.  A part of me wishes that I hadn’t let them
off the hook as much as I did.  “Can we do something to help you?  Help with
Molly?  Anything?” Michael asks.  I can say I am shocked that Michael is
offering to help Justin.  Maybe our talk a couple of months ago helped him
realize that Justin isn’t going to go away.  I am grateful that Mikey is
trying, but I know that Justin will only see it as him trying to interfere
again. 
 
I know how Justin’s mind works. 
 
“Thanks, but there’s nothing anyone can do right now.  Mom and Molly are
spending the weekend together, and all anyone can do right now, as I said, is
wait.  If I need help, I’ll let you guys know.  But Molly and Mom will be
fine,” Justin answers.
 
“What about you, Sweetie?” Deb asks.
 
A part of me is just waiting for the explosion.  Just waiting for Justin to let
loose on all of them.  He has been hiding his feelings from all of them for so
long, and I know. . . a person can only take so much.  Justin can only take so
much.  “I’ll be fine, Deb.  Really.  Brian’s here, and everything will be taken
care of.  Don’t worry about anything.  I’m fine.”
 
And I know he’s not.
 
Not by a long shot.
 
**************
*Lindsey*
 
I pulled Brian off into the kitchen so we can talk.  I don’t want the others to
listen in, I guess.  When I was down there visiting him and Justin, I had
learned a lot, especially in the day I spent with Marsha.  Justin was really
hurt by our interfering before he left, by our attitude toward him.  I don’t
blame him; I tried to be kind to him, I did.  And I’m glad that he thought I
was one of the ones who cared. . .but it was hard.  I know how much his leaving
hurt Brian. 
 
We did cover a lot of ground between us during my visit.  Justin and I had a
long talk, and we have gotten closer than we ever were.  I know that this is
just killing him, and instead of saying anything in front of the others, I need
to talk to them alone.  It’s up to the others to try and repair their
relationship with them, especially with Justin.  If I can, I know they can as
well.  But now is not the time to try and bring it up.  Now is the time to be
there for Justin, Jennifer, and Molly.  I need them to know that I’m here, for
anything.
 
Brian leans against the counter by the sink, his eyes not leaving the scene in
the living room.  He’s keeping an eye out, making sure that no one hurts Justin
anymore.  I know he will do anything in his power to protect Justin, even if it
means fighting us.  “Marsha’s out there.  She won’t let anything happen,” I
tell him, standing next to him and placing my hand on his arm.
 
“I know,” is all he says. 
 
“Bri, I just wanted you to know, and if you can let Justin know, I’m here.  If
you need anything, anything at all,” I tell him in a quiet voice. 
 
“Justin knows, Lindz.  But I’ll make sure he remembers.”
 
We just continue to look out at the living room, and I can see the sad looks on
everyone’s faces.  The only other one in that room,  well two people actually,
who Justin would accept help from besides Marsha, are Emmett and Vic.  Everyone
else, unfortunately, still has a long way to go.  It makes me wonder if we will
ever be the same again.  Will we ever be that close family that we were years
ago?  Before…? 
 
Before what, I don’t know, really.  Before Justin came into our lives – no, I
know that isn’t right.  Justin helped bring us closer together.  He helped
Brian open up, he helped Brian realize he could love.  Before the Prom?  I
don’t know.  I want to believe that what happened actually brought us closer
together.  It made us all realize that the only ones we had were ourselves, our
family. 
 
Before the ‘Rage Party’?  Yes.  I know for a fact that it was that moment in
which we all chose sides.  The only thing we didn’t realize was that there were
no sides to take.  None of us saw the real reason behind anything that
happened.  It was our fault, not Justin’s.  We didn’t see the pain he was in;
we didn’t care enough.  So I guess the real problem, the real change, did
happen after the Prom.  We all just wanted to forget, to push what had happened
under the rug, and forget about it, and move on like it never happened. 
 
Except it did.
 
And Justin suffered for it.
 
Now, Justin needs us more than ever.  He won’t admit it, and we can’t push
him.  But it’s true.  He needs us, even if it is just to sit there and hold his
hand, to take Molly to school.  I don’t know if he will accept it, but that is
what we need to do.
 
I turn my attention back to Brian and I can see the worry lines across his
face.  Jennifer has been like a mother to him lately.  The two have gotten
closer in the past year, and I’m grateful that they have.  Now, not only is
Justin having to deal with the possible loss of his mother, but so is Brian. 
“How are you holding up?” I ask.  Justin isn’t the only one that we need to
help. 
 
“Shouldn’t you be worrying about Justin?  I’m fine, Lindz,” he says, still not
looking at me.
 
“Bri, I know you, remember,” I say with a small smile.  I see him roll his
eyes, and I know that he knows.  “I’m just saying that if YOU need to talk, or
if you need a break, let me know. . .I’m here.”
 
Brian closes his eyes, and I know he understands.  He knows that I can see past
his walls and see the real pain he’s in.  “I can’t promise, Lindz.  Justin
needs me.”
 
“And he’ll have you.  I have no doubt about that.  No one here knows what the
two of you have gone through down there, what you’ve accomplished.  But I have
seen the two of you together, Brian. . . I know.  I’ve seen it.  You love each
other, and it’s the type of love that is forever.”  I reach up and begin to rub
his shoulder, hoping to ease some of the tension in his shoulders.  “And you
love Jennifer.  This isn’t just happening to Justin, it’s happening to the both
of you.  What happens to one, happens to the other.  That’s what relationships
are all about.  The rest of our family won’t understand, ‘cause they haven’t
seen it, they haven’t seen you and Justin together.  I have.  Just promise me,
that if it gets too much, that you’ll come to me.  Justin needs you strong for
him, so that he can be strong for everyone else.  But you need a break too,
Bri.  Let me help you, so that you . . . so that we can help Justin.  Please,”
I beg.  I don’t want to see Brian lose it.  If Jennifer doesn’t make it, if
something happens and they can’t get all of the cancer, it will kill Justin
and, in effect, Brian as well. 
 
I can’t let that happen.  I won’t.
 
Brian looks at me, and gives me a small smile.  “I will.”
 
**************
*Deb*
 
I can’t believe this. . .Jennifer has cancer.  Breast cancer.  Who’s writing
this stuff anyway?  Hasn’t that family been through enough?  I mean, after
everything they have been through since Justin came out, haven’t they had
enough drama, enough pain in their lives? 
 
A part of me wants to take Sunshine into my arms and just hold him, protect him
from all the horrors that are around.  But I know that I can’t.  From what
everyone tells me, he just doesn’t trust us anymore.  He doesn’t feel safe with
us.  Damn, how did things get this bad?  How did my family get so torn apart? 
 
And poor Jennifer.  She’s a strong woman, there is no doubt in my mind about
that.  Yeah, so she made some mistakes, but what mother hasn’t? They care for
their kids, and want to do right by them.  No mother wants to admit that their
kid is grown up.  No mother wants to admit at first that their kid is gay.  But
she has pulled through it all, with her head held high.  She is one tough
cookie, I tell you. 
 
But Justin. . .well I admit, we all fucked up where Sunshine is concerned.  We
were all too blinded by our own needs, our own wants, to see what was really
going on.  We let him down, and I, for one, am going to fix it.  I hate to see
Sunshine like this.  He seems so far away, almost like those damn doctors were
when he was in the hospital.  I remember that old TV show ‘Dragnet’.  ‘Just the
facts, ma’am.’  Just the facts, my ass.  There’re other things to consider
here, and it has not a damn thing to do with facts.  It has to deal with
people, real people with real fucking feelings. 
 
Fuck the facts.
 
“Sunshine,” I say.  I want to see some emotion reflected in his eyes. 
Something that tells me he’s there.  ‘Cause let me tell you, he seems like he’s
not here at all.  His body is here, but he might as well be back down there in
fucking Atlanta for all intents and purposes.  His blue eyes just don’t hold
the same sparkle that I know.  His smile – I miss that smile – isn’t lighting
up the room like I loved.  No, this man before me is nothing like the Sunshine
I remember.  And it’s all our fault.  We pushed him away, and now we are seeing
the effects, feeling them.  “I’m not going to say that you should come to us if
you need anything, ‘cause I know we have no right. . .”
 
“Mom,” I hear Michael and some of the others start to object.
 
“Shut the fuck up.  You know I’m right,” I say to them.  I want to fix this . .
. and unfortunately in doing so I need to admit our own fuck-ups.  “Now what I
was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.  I know we have no right, but I
want you to know that we’re here, and we do love you.  We were wrong before,
and nothing can make up for what we did. . .”
 
“Deb,” Justin begins.  I watch as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 
I saw the first signs of the old Sunshine reflected there before he closed his
eyes.  But when he opened them again, that little spark was gone.  It will take
a lot of work, I know it will.  “I don’t want to talk about any of that right
now.  Okay?  I’m here because of my mom, nothing else.  Nothing else.  I know
that you all want to help, but frankly, I’m sick of all your fucking help.”  I
hear Justin’s voice rise a little with each thing he says.  Boy, did I just
open a can of worms.  “You all think you fucking know everything.  You don’t
know shit!”
 
I watch Justin’s anger build.  As much as his words hurt, I know that he needs
to say them.  He needs to get this out; we need to get this out.  But I just
hope that we can all come out of this with our hearts in one piece.  Out of the
corner of my eye, I see Brian rush out of the kitchen with Lindsey close
behind.  Where Justin’s eyes were blank, Brian’s reflect pure anger, pure
rage.  It suddenly makes me wonder if I had made a mistake.  “What the fuck is
going on here?” he asks us.  “Justin?”
 
“All you guys have ever done is ‘help.’  Well I don’t need your type of help. 
You think you know what’s going on. . .you think you know what should happen,
who’s right, who’s wrong.  You don’t know SHIT!  I don’t need your type of
help.  Not now, not fucking ever!” 
 
Justin is like I have never seen him before.  His eyes show anger and his body
is tense.  It looks like he’s ready to strike.  “Alright,” I say.  I know that
it’s not alright.  I don’t know if it ever will be, but I want it to be.
 
“Stop it,” Justin continues.  I watch as Brian lays a hand on his shoulder, and
for once I am glad that Brian is there for Justin.  “Don’t fucking treat me
like I’m a child.  I’m not.  I know what needs to be done, and I’m going to do
it.  I don’t need your fucking help.  I came here to tell you ‘cause I know you
care about my Mom, but don’t fucking patronize me, don’t think you know what I
feel.  What I’m thinking.  You have no clue.  You never have.”
 
“Justin,” Brian says quietly.  I feel as if my heart has just been ripped out
of my chest.  I look around the room, and see similar looks on the others.  I
ask myself again how in the hell did we get here?  How did we let things get so
fucked up?  How in the world could we have failed Justin?  “We’re out of here,”
Brian tells us.
 
I sit there and watch as Brian, Justin, and Marsha make their way toward the
door.  “I’m sorry,” is the only thing I can say.  I know that they can’t hear
me, but I feel like I have to say it.  “I’m so sorry,” I can feel the tears
falling down my face.  How could we have been so stupid?
 
Brian comes back in and looks at all of us, his rage barely contained.  He just
stands there looking at each of us, biting his lip.  “Until further notice, if
one of you wants to see Justin, you go through me.  Is that understood?”
 
“But Brian,” Michael begins.  I want to just slap him upside the head.  Now is
not the time.  As much as I love my son, and I know he means well, but his
timing sucks.
 
“We care about him too, you know,” Mel adds.
 
As much as I agree with them, I have to think, do we really care that much?  If
we did, then we wouldn’t be in the position we are now.  We would’ve helped
when Justin NEEDED our help.  We would’ve been there for him all along. 
 
Like Brian has.
 
“You are to go through me,” Brian reiterated.  “No questions asked.  He doesn’t
need this shit right now.  When I feel it’s time, then we can all sit down and
talk about this shit. . .but NOT until then.  You will NOT talk to him unless
myself, or Marsha, are there.  Is that understood?”
 
“We understand, Sweetie,” I say.  Brian is right.  We have no right to try and
fix things now.  We have to work to get back into Justin’s life . . . into
their lives.  “Just please let him know that we love him, and we want to try.”
 
Brian looks down at me and nods his head.   He turns and kisses Gus on the
cheek, and heads out the door. 
 
We have a long way to go, but I know we will get there.  It will just take
time.  And I, for one, will do what I have to do.
 
**************
*Justin*
 
We didn’t stay much longer at Mel and Lindsey’s house, and frankly I don’t know
how much more I could’ve taken.  I was beginning to feel the walls close in on
me, and the only thing that was grounding me was Brian.  For once I am glad
that he didn’t listen to me, and decided to come to the house.  We dropped
Marsha off at my mom’s, since I know that she can do the most good there.  Mom
and Molly will need her tonight, and truthfully, I just need to be alone with
Brian.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.  I am so scared. 
 
I know I lost it with everyone.  I know that I broke my own rule and let
everything out.  I don’t know what came over me.  “Tired?” Brian asks as we sit
down on the couch.  I can only nod in response.  I feel so fucking drained that
I can’t even move.  I feel Brian reach over and pull me into his arms.  We move
to lie down, and I just curl myself against his body, wanting this nightmare to
be over.  “You don’t have to be strong for me, Justin.  You know that.  I’m
here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.  Don’t hide behind the walls with me.
. .please.  Let me help you.”
 
“I’m so scared, Bri.  I don’t want to lose my Mom,” I tell him.  I feel the
tears begin to build, and for the first time in days I allow them to fall.  I
don’t have to be strong for Brian, we don’t have to be strong for each other. 
We just need to be there for each other.  That’s all.
 
“Talk to me,” he whispers against the top of my head.
 
“I didn’t mean to lose it there, Bri.  I didn’t. . . I don’t know what came
over me,” I admit.
 
I don’t know what came over me, I really don’t.  One minute, I’m fine – the
walls are intact - the next it’s like a wildfire. 
 
“Justin, you’re allowed to be mad.  You’re allowed to strike out.  You need
to.  They need to know what you’re feeling, and what they’ve done.  All you can
do now, is just . . . I don’t know, just go with what you’re feeling.  Don’t
hold back, don’t second guess yourself.  No matter what, I’ll be here for you. 
I love you, and you can’t get rid of me that easily.”
 
I just lay there, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and I feel all the
fight drain out of me.  I feel safe, loved, strong.  “I love you too, Bri. 
Thank you. . . for being here for me, for my Mom.”
 
Brian wraps his arms tighter around me, and I feel better than I have in days. 
“I’ll always be there. . . I’m not going anywhere.”
 
And I believe him.
 
************
Wash Away Those Tears
                            Part 9 of For All Time
                                  By: Acacia
                                        
                       When the dark wood fell before me
                       And all the paths were overgrown
              When the priests of pride say there is no other way
                         I tilled the sorrows of stone
                                        
                   I did not believe because I could not see
                      Though you came to me in the night
                       When the dawn seemed forever lost
               You showed me your love in the light of the stars
                                        
                          Cast your eyes on the ocean
                           Cast your soul to the sea
                       When the dark night seems endless
                              Please remember me
                       Dante's Prayer by Laura McKennitt
                                        
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
Note 2:  I don’t know a lot about the treatment of Breast Cancer, but the
information I have is what a close friend of mine went through.  So I’m not
sure if it is the standard procedure or not, but…
 
 
*Brian*
 
I walked into the small waiting room, and immediately spot Justin sitting in
one of chairs, with Daphne sitting next to him.  I remember those fucking
chairs, how uncomfortable they are.  I refuse to think of the last time I was
in this very same waiting room – waiting for word.  I sit down beside him,
noting that he is just staring at the pale, off-white wall across from him.  I
know what he’s feeling, the not knowing, the pain.  I hate that he has to go
through this, and there is nothing I can do.  I can’t change this; I can’t do
anything to make this better.  All I can do is be here for him, and Molly. 
Last night we moved into the condo so that we don’t disrupt Molly’s life too
much.  The loft will be our little sanctuary for when he needs a break, and
I’ll make sure he gets that break. 
 
The other night at Lindsey’s, I tried hard not to get angry.  I tried hard to
let Justin deal with it on his own.  But dammit, the shit they were trying to
say… the shit that they did say… I wanted to scream.  Michael and Deb…. I know
they meant well, I know they care about Jennifer … but they were acting like
everything is alright.  Like they care about Justin. 
 
I think that only Lindsey, Emmett, and Vic were sincere in their concern.  Of
course Emmett and Vic just remained silent through the whole discussion at
Lindsey’s but Emmett had come by yesterday and Justin was grateful for that. 
Those two have a tight bond, one that I’m happy to see.  Emmett has always
tried to be there for Justin; he has always taken care of Justin, and cared for
him.  The two just sat on the couch and cried, allowing each other to take
comfort in the other and in their friendship.  Daphne also stopped by, and I
was never happier to see the young woman as I was at that moment.  Out of
everyone, Justin feels safe with only the three of us, and possibly Lindsey. 
He feels he can open up to us, and right now he needs that outlet.  Daphne’s
the only one who I believe truly understands.  She understands in a way that
Emmett and I cannot. Daphne has known that family for a lot longer than any of
us; she knows how close he is to his mom, and sister.  She knows things about
them that I never will.
 
Now sitting here in this fucking hallway, waiting for the doctor to give us
some news, I look over at my lover.  Daphne is sitting beside him, with his
hand in her own.  We give each other a small smile, and sit back and wait. 
 
Molly went to school this morning, at Jennifer’s request, but Justin and I both
know that she deserves to be here with us.  So at noon, we’re going to go and
pick her up and bring her here.  The surgery should be over by then or at least
close to being over, and I know she never would’ve been able to handle hours of
just sitting here.  Hell, I’m not sure I can handle it myself.  I reach my over
and begin to try and loosen the tight muscles in Justin’s neck, and I watch as
his head tips forward a little.  I know that he’s trying to be strong, and I
admire him for that.  I just wish he wouldn’t feel like he had to all the damn
time.  I look down the hall toward the entrance, and I spot the ‘gang’ standing
there.  Justin looked up at that moment seeing what I was, and closed his
eyes.  This is definitely the last thing that he needs right now, so I get up
out of the chair and make my way over to them. 
 
I stood in front of them and nodded toward the front door leading out of the
area of the private waiting room.  I see them pause, look in the room, then
follow obediently behind me.  The last fucking thing I want right now is a
fight in the hospital.  I look up at Marsha who is sitting in a chair in the
main room, and I call her over.  Why she is out here and not with us, I will
never understand, but she said that she wanted to give Justin the space he
needed right now.  She wanted Justin to come to her if he needed her, and not
before.  I guess I can understand that in a way.  “We all need to talk and talk
now,” I say as I point to the chairs off to the side.  They all sit down and
look up at me.  I turn to Marsha, and take a deep breath.  “Go sit with him and
Daphne.  I think they’ll need you.”  She only nods her head and leaves the
room, leaving me with the group.
 
Maybe not the smartest move on her part.
 
At least we’re in a hospital.
 
“Brian,” Emmett quietly states, and I look at him.  I can see the tears in his
eyes, the love for Justin reflected in them.
 
I nod to him, letting him know that things are okay, that they will be anyway. 
I have to believe that, cause anything else would destroy the façade I have on
my face right now.  I can’t let them know how scared I am, I won’t let them
know – not right now.  “Right now, I think it would be in everyone’s best
interest if you all wait out here.  Justin’s doing fine.  He’s got Daphne,
Marsha, and myself in there with him.  He doesn’t need all of you.  I won’t
tell you that you can’t be here, but if you want to find out what’s going on,
you stay the fuck out here… away from Justin.”
 
Deb, who I fully believe realizes the mistakes they had all made before, only
nods and grabs a hold of Vic’s hand.  “Will you tell us as soon as you hear
something?  And let Sunshine know that we’re here… if he needs us.”
 
“I’ll let him know.  And as soon as we hear something, I’ll tell you.”  I stand
there for a second, and think.  I know that Deb wants to try and fix things…
unlike some of the others.  Hell, I don’t think Mickey – as much as I love him
– I don’t think that he really believes that there is any problem.  Ted, I
don’t think he really cares one way or the other.  He and Justin have never
really been close, they just don’t have a lot in common.  Mel, well, I know she
means well, but her tough exterior isn’t something that Justin needs right
now.  “I’ll see what I can do on anything else… If Justin wants to talk to
you.  It’s just going to take time, and a whole hell of a lot of talking.  But
I’ll see what I can do,” I say, knowing that they need some sort of hope that
things can return to normal, at least as normal as we can get.  I don’t know
why I felt that they needed it, but just looking in their eyes I can see that
they care.  At least most of them. 
 
********
*Molly*
 
Brian came and picked me up from school.  Mom said that she didn’t want me to
miss any school, and that I shouldn’t sit at the hospital.  She told me that I
would get bored, and ‘there is no reason for me to be there’.  But she’s wrong…
there is a reason, and Justin understands.  I’m glad that he’s here, I missed
my brother.  Justin always had a way of making the bad things go away, and I
hope he still can.  Last night, when Mom went to sleep, Justin kept trying to
call Daddy.  No one knows where Daddy is, and right now, I don’t know if I
really care.  I don’t know what happened between him and Justin, but I know
that it was something really bad.  Daddy won’t even mention Justin, and Justin
only gets a look on his face when Daddy’s mentioned.  I only know what I’ve
heard, and it’s not really good. 
 
Of course I can’t even begin to think of Daddy saying the things that I’ve
heard.  Daddy had always loved Justin… Justin was always his favorite.  I know
that my brother is different, I mean who wouldn’t know that.  Come on, I know
he likes boys.  But I like Brian, and Justin doesn’t love us any less because
he likes boys.  He still will let me lay in bed with him when I get scared. 
He’s still my brother.  That’s why I don’t understand why Daddy doesn’t want
anything to do with him.  He’s still Justin… he’s still that bossy, annoying
guy that I’ve always known.  But he seems to be a lot stronger, you know, he is
tougher.  But I’m glad he’s here… with Daddy gone, who would take care of Mom
and me? 

And Brian… he’s hot. 
 
I remember when Justin was in the hospital… the last time… Brian saw me sitting
with Mom outside of Justin’s room.  Brian told me that we should go out, let my
mom have some time alone with Justin.  Of course I knew that Mom didn’t want to
be pushy, and she didn’t want to leave me alone, so Brian just told her that I
looked hungry and that he was going to take me out to get something to eat.  I
tried to put on my best hungry look, knowing that she wouldn’t think anything
than what Brian and I had planned.  So we went out and had ice cream, and ate
pizza… we didn’t get back to the hospital for like three whole hours. 
 
I could tell that Mom was happy.  She needed that time with Justin, and I
wouldn’t have been able to get her to see him on my own.
 
I guess if Justin has to like boys… at least he found a good one.
 
Well and he’s really cute…
 
Brian takes me in to where Justin is, and he and Daphne leave the two of us
alone.  I’m sorta scared.  I don’t want to lose Mom.  I don’t think I could
make it without her.  If Mom doesn’t make it, where would I go?  I know they
would make me go to live with Daddy, but I don’t want to go with him.  He
wouldn’t let me see Justin, and I don’t think that I could do that.  Maybe I
need to talk to Justin’s friend Mel.  They say she’s a lawyer… or something
like that, she could tell me what I could do.  Right? 
 
Justin turns to me and he smiles… not that big smile, but it’s a smile.  I lean
into his open arms, and put my head on his shoulder.  If I ever get a
boyfriend, I want him to be like Justin.  He’s always there when I need him. 
Even though he’s like far away now, he still calls me all the time, and we chat
on the computer every night.  If I have a nightmare, he always talks me down
from it.  He told me a long time ago, that no matter where he was he would
always be there for me, cause siblings do that.  I don’t know what I would’ve
done if he had died.  Justin told me what happened, even though Mom and Daddy
didn’t want me to know.  He told me that this kid from school had hit him in
the head with a baseball bat.  Justin never hid anything from me, not like Mom
and Daddy.  Justin said that he wanted me to know why he had been acting so
strange. 
 
I remember that time when he had started to throw things in his room.  I was
really, really scared.  He sat me down later, and told me what had happened, he
told me why he was so sad.  I was happy for him when he was with Brian again. 
Brian makes him happy, and he makes me happy too.  Brian is a really cool big
brother, but I’ll never tell him that.  He’s still kinda weird on the whole
relationship thing.  He’s funny like that.
 
“Mom made it through the surgery,” Justin told me and I smiled into his
shoulder.  “It was worse than they had thought, but in time they say she’ll be
alright.  She’ll have to have check-ups every couple of weeks, and she’ll be
sick for a while.  She’s going to need your help, Mollusk.”
 
I could tell from Justin’s voice that he was really sad, and that made me
scared.  He said Mom was okay, so why is he so sad.  “What is it,” I ask him
pulling my head off of his shoulder to look up into his eyes.
 
Justin closed his eyes, and looked at me.  This time he didn’t have a smile,
and I wanted the smile back.  “Mom is going to be sad for a while.  The Doctor
had to take one of her breasts, so that she would be better.  Mom won’t be able
to fly for a while, and she won’t be able to get around real well for a while. 
They want to use chemotherapy for a couple of weeks to make sure that they got
all of the bad cells.  So we’re going to have to help Mom out, okay?  She’s
going to need you to help make her smile, make her happy.  Okay?”

”Okay,” I tell him as I wrap my arms around him.  I guess I don’t really
understand what is going on with Mom, but I know that if Justin says that Mom
will need us, than I’ll be there.  “What about you,” I ask.  If I have to help
Mom, what is he going to do?  Who’s going to help him?
 
“I’m going to make sure that you still have a roof over your head, and food in
your stomach,” he joked, tickling my sides.  It’s good to see him laugh, even
if it just a little. 
 
“Hey you eat more than me, Jester.”
 
“Oh yeah?  That’s not what Mom says.  Plus someone has to pay for that trip
you’re class is going on,” he said.  Of course that trip was one thing that I
wished that Mom hadn’t told him about.  It was just some stupid trip that my
class was planning to some stupid camp or whatever.  I didn’t want to go, but
Mom was sooo excited for me.  Why did she have to tell Justin about it?
 
“Do you have to,” I ask, hoping I could talk him out of making me go.
 
“Don’t want to go, huh?  I know what you mean.  I remember when Mom forced me
to go to it…. I really, really hated it.”
 
“So please don’t make me go.”  Okay, I’m begging here.  Please Justin, I beg
using my best ‘puppy dog’ look.
 
“We’ll see.  Maybe we can get someone else to take you on a short trip, so that
way Mom is none the wiser,” he said with a look in his eye. 
 
Did I say how much I loved my brother?
 
********
*Justin*
 
Mom is still in the hospital.  The doctors want her to stay there during her
chemo, especially since she had a bad reaction to it the first time.  Of course
while I’m not at the hospital with Mom, or at home with Molly, I’m at work.  At
times I wonder how Brian puts up with me.  Molly and I have been doing what we
can around the house, and Brian’s been a big help.  God, I don’t know what I’d
do without him.  I know I’d go insane.  I’ve been trying to reach my Da… I mean
Craig for days.  I don’t know if he really can’t call home, or if he just
doesn’t want to talk to me.  Molly needs him, and so does Mom… I can put away
my dislike for the man for them.  They need him, so I can swallow my pride and
call him.  I guess he just doesn’t want to talk to me.  I can’t help but wonder
why he hates me so much. 
 
Brian doesn’t say much on that subject, he just tells me that I have to do what
I have to do.  And if I feel that Craig needs to be here than I should keep
trying.  I know that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, that I shouldn’t let him hurt
me anymore, but I can’t help it.  No matter what he’s done to me, what he
thinks of me, I still remember a father that loved me.  I still remember a
father who would do anything for me.  I still love that man.  I wonder what
happened to him. 
 
Brian went to pick up Molly from school when the phone rang.  I had already
talked to Grandma earlier, so I know it’s not her.  Of course I did ask her if
she could find Craig and tell him what was going on.  “Hello, Taylor
residence,” I say.  Hey, this isn’t my home anymore.
 
“Put Jennifer on the phone,” the other voice states. 
 
What an asshole, is the only thing that is going through my mind.  “I guess you
didn’t bother to check your messages,” I state.  I wonder how long I can keep
my tone light.
 
“What are you talking about?  Put your mother on the phone.”
 
“Well Craig, I don’t think that I can do that,” I practically hiss. 
 
“Now listen here, young man…”
 
“No, you listen,” I begin.  I know that my voice is rising, and frankly I don’t
care.  How dare he… where the hell has he been for the past week!  “If you had
been able to get your dick out of your secretary’s ass long enough you would
know that Mom is in the fucking hospital.”
 
“Don’t you talk to me like that,” he yells.  I know that the second half of
that sentence is only now just registering, and I wait for his reply.  “What
the hell do you mean, your Mom is in the hospital,” he asks.
 
“As I said, Mom is in the hospital.  She found out she had breast cancer, and
she went into surgery on Monday.  If gave a damn about your fucking family,
like you say you do, then you would’ve known that,” I spit out.  All the time
he fucking blamed me for the downfall of the family.  Telling me how it was all
my fault, and I actually believed him.  I actually let his words hurt me.  Well
look who’s the one at fault now, *Dad*?  It sure as hell isn’t me. 
 
“What?”
 
“She had her left breast removed on Monday, and they are keeping her there at
the hospital for Chemo.  I would like to think that you fucking care enough to
go and visit with her, and maybe even see your daughter.  Molly needs you, and
so does Mom.”
 
“Why didn’t anyone tell me,” he asks.  He honestly sounds hurt and confused by
it. 
 
In a way I’m glad, but then again, I know that it’s not really fair to him.  I
know he does love Molly, and he did at one time love Mom.  “We tried.  They
people at your office said you were unreachable.  No one could get you on the
phone to tell you.”
 
“Where are they at?”
 
“Mom is at Mercy hospital.  Brian and I are staying at the condo with Molly,” I
say letting him know exactly what is going on.  Letting him know that MY LOVER
can be here, when HE can’t.  “Why don’t you come and see your daughter.  She’s
beginning to think that you don’t care.  I’ll expect you within the hour. 
We’ll be here.”  I hang up the phone, not wanting to hear his bitching about
Brian being here.  I want to have my talk with the man who called himself my
father on my own terms, on my own turf. 
 
If there’s one thing I learned from my Mom is that you don’t give Craig an
inch.  You tell him when and where he’s supposed to be.  If you don’t he won’t
show.  Brian can be like that at times, and I sure as hell won’t tell him
that.  But he’s getting better, and that’s something that I can say isn’t true
of my father.  I hear the door open, and Molly tear up the stairs.  “Do your
homework,” Brian calls after her.
 
I try not to laugh.  I mean, really, Brian being all fatherly and bossy.  I
know that it is hard for him to help care for an eleven year old, especially
when it’s a girl.  What do either one of us know about girls.  Luckily Deb and
Vic are coming over tomorrow night to make dinner for us, and Daphne said she’s
going to take Molly out afterwards for a ‘girl’s night out’.  Deb honestly
wants to try and fix things between us, and I guess I can try to give her that
chance.  We’ll sit down after Molly leaves tomorrow and have a talk.  She had
always been good to me, and I want to have her back in my life.  I want to try.
 
Brian comes into the living room and sits down on the couch, propping his feet
up on the table, and his head back on the couch.  I reach up and pull his head
into my lap so that I can run my fingers though his hair, and rub his temples. 
He looks exhausted, and I know he’s had a bad day.  Vance had decided that
since he was here, that he could work on all his ‘old’ clients.  Brian’s been
busting his ass working on the Liberty Air, Brown Athletics, and many others…
all because Vance says that no one else can do it.  I know that it’s bull shit,
but who am I to say anything. 
 
Of course what I’m about to tell him isn’t going to make him any happier.  Mind
as well get it over with.  “Bri,” I begin.  Fuck I do not want to do this.  I
should’ve gotten the number where Craig was at so that I could call him back
and tell him not to come.  Oh well, it’s too late.  Brian looks up at me, and I
try to smile.  “Craig called.”  I can instantly feel Brian’s muscles tense.  “I
told him that he should get his ass over here to see his daughter.”
 
Brian sat up and I instantly miss the loss.  “When?”
 
“I sort of told him to be here in a hour, I don’t know when exactly cause I
sorta hung up on him,” I tell him.
 
He turns to look at me in the eyes, and I see a small smile appear on his
face.  “You hung up on him?  What else did you do, or say?”
 
“He called and asked for Mom, I told him what had happened and where Mom was
at.  Of course he instantly was pissed that no one had told him…. And well I
sort of….”
 
“What did you say,” he prods.  I mumble something under my breath, not really
wanting him to know, but in a way I guess I do.  I mean, I’m supposed to be the
calm one, the rational one, right?  “What was that?  I didn’t really catch
that.”
 
Okay, I was hoping to avoid this discussion, but he’s just so damn persistent. 
“I simply told him that quote If you had been able to get your dick out of your
secretary’s ass long enough you would know that Mom is in the fucking hospital,
unquote.”  I can see a small smile on Brian’s face as he shakes his head. 
 
“Oh my little pitbull,” he said laughing.
 
“So maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, but what do you expect,” I say
trying to redeem myself some here.  “Pitbull?”
 
“Yeah, you have one hell of a bite,” he laughs. 
 
“Really,” I ask as I move closer to him on the couch.  “I’ll show you just how
my bite is.”  I lean in and begin to nibble on his ear, moving down toward his
neck.  Once I reach a spot near his jugular, I bite down a little harder,
knowing that I’ll get a solid response out of him with that.
 
Brian reacts quicker than I imagined, cause within a second he has me pinned
down on the couch and is leaning his full body over mine.  “Maybe I should call
you a vampire.  That fucking hurt.”
 
“What can’t take it,” I innocently ask.  “Poor baby, want me to kiss it and
make it better?”  Brian’s only answer is to lean down so that our lips are only
centimeters apart.  I close my eyes, expecting him to close the distance, but I
suddenly feel is own teeth on my neck.  “Ow, Brian… stop,” I say, knowing full
well that I really don’t want him to stop. 
 
He knows it too.  “No,” he breaths against my neck, and I can only close my
eyes tighter and enjoy the ride.  I feel myself begin to harden, when I hear a
knock at the door.  Fuck, my Dad.  “Fuck,” Brian curses against my neck. 
Slowly he pulls himself up and off of me.  “Later,” he promises as he pulls me
to a sitting position.  And I know that Brian always keeps his promises. 
 
“Later,” I agree.  Brian goes and opens the door for my Dad, and I can almost
feel the tension between the two all the way up the stairs.  Brian leads him
into the living room, and then he heads out toward the kitchen giving the two
of us some time alone.  “Craig,” I say.  I will not call him Dad, or Father to
his face anymore.  He says I’m dead to him… well my Dad is dead to me too. 
 
“Where’s Molly,” he asks not looking at me.  He’s looking anywhere in the room
except toward me. 
 
“She’s up in her room doing her homework,” I tell him.  “Can’t even look at me
can you?  What don’t want to see your gay son, or is it that you don’t want to
see your crippled son?  Which is it?”
 
“Justin,” he begins, and I know that I don’t want to hear his fucking excuses. 
I don’t want to hear his thoughts.
 
“Don’t even… God!  Where the hell were you?  Mom needed you, Molly needed you…
Where the fuck were you?  I know you weren’t on a fucking business trip, cause
your work told me so after the tenth time I tried to contact you.”
 
“I don’t have to clear my schedule with you,” he angrily stated as he finally
turned his attention to me.  The look didn’t last long, cause the moment he
caught my eye he turned back to look at the fireplace.  “How is she?”
 
“Like you fucking care.”
 
“I do care!”
 
“Bullshit!  If you cared you would’ve let Mom know where you were at.  If you
cared you would’ve checked your voice mail.  What if Molly had been in a
serious accident, and she needed you for a blood transfusion or something. 
What if something like that happened?  Could you have lived with yourself
knowing that she would’ve died because you were too busy with your new
Girlfriend to find out what is going on with your family.”
 
“You don’t know anything.”
 
I take a deep breath, and try to calm myself.  The last thing I need is for
Molly to hear any of this.  Hell, I half expect Brian to come out of the
kitchen and kick my dad’s ass.  “You’re right, I don’t know anything.  And
honestly, I don’t give a damn.  You say that you love Molly, that you want
what’s best for her.  You’ve threatened Mom with taking Molly away from her,
all because you don’t want Molly to be around me.  You told Mom that you won’t
allow Molly to come down to Atlanta to spend time with me, but yet you can go
away and not even bother with your family.  Mom needed you.  She needed you to
be here to help out with Molly.  But instead she called me.  She called me to
come here and help her out.  I now have the Power of Attorney that lets me have
a say in Molly’s well being.  I say on whether or not she sees you… want to
give me a good reason why I should allow that to happen?”
 
“You can’t tell me when I can see my daughter, or what I do.  I know now, and
I’m here now… I will not let Molly be in this house with …. with the two of
you,” he says.  “I am her father, and I think I know what’s best for her.  She
needs to be with me, at least until Jenn is out of the hospital.”
 
How dare he…. He walks in here with the fucking superior attitude, acting like
he owns the world.  Well I will not stand by and let him ruin our lives
anymore.  Not anymore.  I quickly move so that I can look him in the eye… and
realize that it was probably the dumbest thing that I have ever done in my
life.  Fuck!!!!  Instantly I feel the pain shooting up my leg from where it had
hit the edge of the table.  I bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying out
in pain, and close my eyes to try and concentrate on stopping the constant
throbbing in my lower leg.  I can feel the tears running down my face, as I
fight for every breath that I can bring into my lungs.  Fuck it hurts so bad…
“Justin,” I can barely make out my father asking me. 
 
“Justin,” I hear Brian ask beside me, and I don’t remember him coming into the
room.  “What the fuck did you do to him,” I hear him ask my father. 
 
“He didn’t do it,” I get out.  I can hear the pain in my own voice.  “Knocked
it on table,” I manage to tell him.
 
“Okay, I’m taking you to the hospital,” he informs me as he grabs a hold of my
hand.
 
“No,” I tell him.  That’s the last thing I want to do.  Did I mention how much
I HATE hospitals? 
 
I hear Molly come down the stairs, and I try to compose myself some.  The last
thing she needs is to see me in this much pain.  She has enough to deal with. 
“Justin…. Brian is Justin okay?”
 
“I’m fine,” I tell her, grateful that my voice sounds strong.  “Homework
done?”  I don’t even try to get full sentences out right now… I don’t know if
I’d be able to even if I tried.
 
“Yeah, can we go see Mom now,” she asks. 
 
I almost want to say no, but I can almost guess that it won’t work.  It seems
that since she had been staying with Brian and I that the two of them have made
some sort of secret language.  If it’s not one it’s the other, trying to get me
to do something, or to take a break.  They have both been ganging up on me,
making me do things that I wouldn’t do with one of them.  I’m helpless against
the two though.  So I don’t even try.  “Get ready,” I tell her, resigning
myself to a hospital visit.  Not to see my Mom, but to get whatever checks that
Brian deems necessary.  Fuck!  As much as I love Brian, he can be such a mother
hen at times.
 
Brian picks me up, despite my protests that I can walk.  I have my crutches
after all.  He had Molly take my crutches and he turns to my Dad.  “You coming
or no?”
 
I can see the steam coming out of Brian’s ears.  I know how much those words
had cost him.  He is a lion protecting his mate, and I for one wouldn’t want to
be in my Dad’s shoes now.  Lucky for my Dad, he gets up and follows us out to
the car.  Brian hold me up against the rental, and let’s Molly in first.  He
carefully sets me in the passenger seat, and shuts the door.  I hear him asking
my Dad if he is going to ride with us, then telling him that he is to keep his
fucking mouth shut.  All the way to the hospital, you can feel the tension in
the air.  It’s so strong.  My Dad hates Brian and I, and Brian hates my Dad. 
Molly of course is trying to make us all laugh with stories from school, or
things that we did when we were little.  It makes the ride a little more
comfortable, not much but a little.
 
As soon as we arrive, Molly takes Dad away to Mom’s room, while Brian leads me
toward X-ray.  He had called ahead and gotten my old doctor to see me.  Quickly
I am rushed off to X-ray, and I can only hope that everyone will still be alive
when I get out.
 
********
 
Once I get done with the doctor, I look down at my ‘instructions’.  Luckily
there was no damage to the bones, and the healing is going well.  At least I
didn’t have a setback, cause honestly I don’t think I could handle it if I had
to be stuck in a wheelchair again.  Brian and I make our way toward Mom’s room,
and Brian tells me that he’s going to pick up my prescriptions.  Great, more
pain killers… I hate those damn things.  Granted I hate taking any meds.  I
think I’ve had enough to last ten lifetimes. 
 
As I walk into my Mom’s room, I see something that I never thought I’d see
again.  My Dad is holding my Mom in a tight hug, and letting her cry on his
shoulder.  I think that this is the first time that she’s cried over this. 
Molly is laying on the bed with Mom, resting her head on Mom’s stomach.  I
begin to turn, not sure if I would be welcome.  They are the family now… I’m
sort of the outsider.  “Justin,” I hear my Dad say.  Turning around I see him
open his arm for me to join them. 
 
I walk up to him, actually limp over, and sit in the chair next to him.  I feel
him wrap his arm around me and hold me close.  I feel the tears appear in my
own eyes, as I feel something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  Something
that I never thought I’d feel again.

The love my father has for me. 
 
I have my family back even if it’s for a short time.  But I will never forget
this moment.  It’s the moment I knew that my father really did still exist...
 
That my Father loved me.
 
*********
For All Time Interlude #9
                                  By: Acacia
                                        
                     He spends whole life being too young
                     to live the life that's in his dreams
                    Then he lies awake and he wonders, why
                               Can't that be me
                 Cause in his life he is filled with all these
                                Good intentions
                   He's left a lot of things he'd rather not
                               Mention right now
                  But just before he says goodnight, he looks
                   Up with a little smile at me and he says
                       If I could be like that, I would
                                 Give anything
                     Just to live one day, in those shoes
                   If I could be like that, what would I do
                                What would I do
                         Be Like That  by 3 Doors Down
******   ******
******   ******
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
*Justin*
 
Brian and I head home after visiting Mom, and Molly is asleep in the back of
the car, exhausted.   The only thing running through my mind is my dad.  Is he
willing to try?  Is he willing to finally accept me for who I am?  As much as I
want to believe that he is willing to give us a try again, I’m not sure if I
really want to take the chance.  I mean, every time that I attempt to reach out
to him, attempt to give him a chance, he stabs me in the back.  I don’t know if
I’m willing to be hurt by him anymore.  Luckily, tomorrow Daphne is taking
Molly out for a movie, and Dad mentioned taking Molly for a couple of days to
“give Brian and I some time alone”.  What does he care about our relationship? 
Okay, so I agree that we need some ‘us’ time but to have Craig Taylor offering
his help… to a give us the time we need… I don’t know if I can accept it.
 
I suspect he will try to keep Molly away from me until Mom gets out of the
hospital, like he threatened before.  I guess I’ll take the chance; I can
always go over there and pick her up when he’s not around. 
 
Once we reach the condo, Brian picks up Molly and takes her upstairs to her
room.  I slowly make my way through the house, making sure that everything is
turned off, and then I head up to my room.  I’m glad that Mom kept my old room
the way it was before I left.  At least Brian and I have a place to sleep at
night.  Brian is getting ready for bed when I get in, and I can’t help but
admire his lean form.  He is definitely a god.  I remove my clothes and crawl
into bed next to him.  “So what time is Daphne picking up Molly?” Brian asks
me.
 
I try not to smile, knowing what tomorrow night will bring.  It will be the
first time that it will be just the two of us since this whole nightmare
started.  “Deb and Vic will be here around three, Daph is picking Molly up
around 6:30 for the movie, then she’ll drop off Molly at my … at Craig’s,” I
reply, still not sure about what he is anymore. 
 
“I think your Dad is at least trying.  Who knows, he might surprise us all,”
Brian says, as he begins to lightly run his hand across my back.
 
I sit up a little so that I can look him in the eye.  Brian has never lied to
me; I know I could trust him enough to tell me the truth.  “Do you think that
I’m making a mistake?  Should I give my Dad a chance?”
 
Brian looks up at me, and I can only stare back at him.  I can almost see the
battle going on inside of him.  I mean, my father has attacked him on at least
two occasions.  I think Brian has every right to hold a grudge.  “I don’t want
to see you get hurt again by him,” Brian quietly says.  I can feel his hand
reach up and push a stray hair off my forehead.  “But things like this have a
way of changing people.  He seems sincere.  I don’t want you to NOT give him a
chance, if this is your shot at having your father back.  I didn’t get that
chance with my ol’ man until it was too late… I don’t want you to have to go
through that.” 
 
“Have I told you today how much I love you?” I ask him.  I really don’t know
what I did to deserve someone like him.  Brian always has a way to make me
think about what I’m doing, helping me to see clearly what I believe.  I know
he is right… if I don’t give my dad a chance, I may regret it for the rest of
my life.  I will always wonder what if. 
 
“Not that I remember,” he smiles up at me. 
 
I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips, then a little firmer.  I pull back
slightly and smile down at him.  “I love you.”
 
“I love you too, baby,” he says, as he pulls me back down to his waiting lips.
 
************
 
Deb and Vic arrive just as Molly and I do, so I let them in.  Brian is still at
work, being held up in a meeting with Vance.  I quickly change and head back to
the kitchen to help with the cooking.  I don’t really know what to say to Deb
to make things between us better.  I want her in my life still, but how to
accomplish that I don’t know.  Vic is sitting down at the table, while Deb and
I move through the kitchen.  I let go of everything and just go with the flow,
and it almost feels like it was when I was living with them.  The little banter
that we get into, the quick little comebacks and comments come naturally for
me.  Time flew for me as Deb and I prepared dinner, and before I knew it I
looked over to Vic and spotted Brian sitting next to him.  “Hey,” I say,
shocked that I didn’t even hear him come in.  “When did you get in?”
 
“Just a couple minutes ago,” he tells me but I know that he has been here
longer since he has already changed.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much to
have NOT noticed him sooner, but I realize that he does have ways of sneaking
up on me.  At least this time I noticed him before he scared the shit out of
me.  “So what’s for dinner?”
 
“Deb’s famous lasagna, and for dessert…” I begin moving closer to him.  I lean
down and capture his lips in my own, letting him know exactly what dessert for
tonight is. 
 
“Well, there won’t be any dessert if you two boys don’t leave each other alone.
NOW!” Deb tells us, as she pulls me away from Brian.  “Let go of his ass so
that we can finish up,” she said to Brian, shaking the spoon in her hand
towards his face.  Yep, it’s just like old times. 
 
“Later,” I inform Brian as I smile at Deb and get back to work. 
 
“You can bet on that one,” Brian slyly smiles.  “So, when does my girlfriend
come and pick up the little monster?”
 
“Hey,” I hear Molly yell as she comes down the stairs from the bedroom.  “Who
are you calling a monster?”
 
“You.   What you going to do about it?” he asks her, and I turn around to see
the two of them face off. 
 
“Oh yeah?”
 
“Yeah.”
 
I just shake my head.  These two in the same house is not the best thing in the
world.  It was not one of my brighter ideas.  Whenever those two are in the
same room together, Brian acts like a kid – joking, and wrestling around with
her.  Who would ever believe me if I told them that Brian was just a big kid?
Their new little thing is to play practical jokes on me.  Okay, I mean I can’t
get too pissed about it, ‘cause Brian is keeping Molly happy, and that’s what
she needs right now.  I know I’m not the best person for that job at the
moment, and Brian knows too.  I have to be the adult here; I have to make sure
that Molly is taken care of.  But do they have to gang up on me all the time? 
 
“Justin?”  I immediately cringe.  The way she said my name, I know that she
wants something … something that she is not supposed to have.  “Can I take my
new portable DVD player with me to Dad’s?”
 
I knew it.  I just fucking knew it.  “No,” I tell her.  Mom had gotten her that
so that she could watch what she wanted IN HER OWN ROOM.  Mom had specifically
told me that it was not to leave the house, and here she wanted me to give in. 
Well fuck that…  I wouldn’t give in… not this time.
 
“Please, I promise I’ll take real good care of it.  Daddy doesn’t have a DVD
player, and I want to watch my new movie.  Please,” she begs.
 
“No, and that’s final.”  I am proud of myself for not giving in to her puppy-
dog look, and begging voice.  My victory however is short-lived when I feel a
presence behind me.   Fuck!  Reason number 2 why I hate having these two in the
same house…. Somehow I always end up on the short end of the stick.  I wasn’t
going to give in this time.  He wasn’t going to get to me.  “No,” I tell him
before he gets too close.
 
Brian comes up and pulls me close to his solid frame.  I feel his breath next
to my ear, and I close my eyes… I can’t let him affect me.  I just can’t. 
Brian’s arms come around me, and he puts his head down on my shoulder.  I can
feel light kisses on my neck, and I bite my lip.  Oh god… this is torture. 
“Please,” his voice brushes against my ear – light and caressing.  “Nothing
will happen to it.  You know if she doesn’t get to take it, she’ll refuse to
go…and I have plans for you tonight.”  I can feel my resolve weaken as he began
to nibble my ear.  “I plan on fucking you all… night…. long.  I’m gonna make
you scream and beg.  Can’t do that with her around,” he reasoned.
 
Fuck!  Note to self never let your lover near your younger sister.  And people
wonder how Brian can get me to do things that I wouldn’t do otherwise.  Fuck,
put those two together and I am so fucked.  “Fine,” I breathe out, defeated.  I
turn slightly to Brian and see a shit-eating grin on his face, and I smile back
at him.  “But you’ll be the one screaming and begging,” I whisper to him.  I
turn to Molly and look her dead in the eye.  “You can take it, but if something
happens to it, you explain it to Mom.”
 
Molly holds up her hand and places the other on her heart.  “I promise.  Thanks
Jester.”
 
I look down at her with a raised eyebrow.  Letting her know just what I think
of that little nickname.  “Careful Mollusk… I can always change my mind.” 
Molly at least has the decency to look sorry.  Brian, on the other hand… “And
you’ll get yours, so don’t’ think you’re off the hook that easily.”
 
“What I wouldn’t do to be a fly on the wall at the loft tonight,” Vic laughs.
 
Deb walks over and places something down on the table.  I look at it, and
laugh.  “Twenty bucks on Sunshine.”
 
“Hey,” I hear Brian protest.
 
“I have five on Brian,” Molly adds, pulling out her wallet and adding her money
to the pot.  “And I still have money for the movie.”
 
Vic continues to laugh but adds his money to the pot as well.  “Sorry, kid, but
I have to go with Deb on this one… Thirty on Justin.”
 
Daphne had walked in when the betting began and she just looked over at me.  I
shrug and turn to get the table set.  “Sorry, Brian… but I have to go with
them… well, and I’ve known Justin longer.”
 
I laugh as Daphne places her money down on the table, and watch as Brian sits
down in one of the chairs heavily.  “Traitors,” he mumbles. 
 
I walk up to Brian and place my arms around his neck.  He tries to move his
head away from me, but I know that he’s not as upset as he’s trying to
portray.  I lean in so I can whisper in his ear, “We’ll both be winners
tonight.  I promise.”
 
Brian turns his head slightly and kisses me lightly on the lips.  “Believe it,
Sunshine.”
 
***********
 
Deb and I sit down in the living room as Vic and Brian sit in the dining room
talking.  Daphne and Molly just left for their movie, and I know that it’s time
to try and fix things between Deb and me.  I’ve had a lot of time to think
about things these past couple of days, and I realized that there is no way I
can talk to Michael or Ted about what happened.  At least I don’t think I can…
I will of course, but I want to fix things between Deb and me first, before I
try and confront her son.  I called up Michael yesterday and set up a lunch
meeting for tomorrow with him and Ted.  But right now, Deb is the important
thing on my mind.  I am nervous, and I find myself wanting the calm that we
shared just an hour ago.  I just put my head down and laugh.  This is
ridiculous, I mean this is Deb… my surrogate mother, the one who cared for me
when no one else wanted me.  Why is this so hard?
 
Deb, thankfully, starts off the conversation.  Thankfully, ‘cause I wasn’t even
sure where to start.  “I’m not going to say I’m sorry, ‘cause it won’t mean a
damn thing.  I will say that I wish I had listened to you, that I had actually
tried to hear you out instead of accusing you.  I was wrong, I know that now. 
Everyone wanted to blame someone, and we blamed you.  I should’ve listened to
you, should’ve asked you….”
 
I can tell that she genuinely feels badly about what happened, and she blames
herself.  No one wanted to talk about the bashing after it happened, but she
was the one who had fought the hardest out of everyone to try and get things
right.  She was the one  who had rushed at Hobbs at the courthouse when he got
off.  I know she wanted to do more… but no one wanted to talk to ME about it. 
“Deb,” I begin.  “There’re a lot of things that went wrong, and it wasn’t one
thing that made me leave.  Yeah, it hurt… it hurt that everyone shut me out
when I left Brian.  But that wasn’t the sole reason I left.  Everything just
kept getting worse and worse, and nothing seemed to make sense to me anymore.”
 
“We were all wrong.  We should’ve asked you what YOU wanted, what YOU were
feeling.  And if I could go back and change it…”
 
“But you can’t, Deb.  No one can.  What’s done is done, and nothing anyone can
say or do will ever change it.”  I reach across and take her hand in my own. 
“You have always been there for me, helping me, advising me… I …. I just
wish….”  I close my eyes, not sure exactly what I wanted, what I wished for. 
Deb places her other hand on top of mine, giving me support to continue. 
“Everything was just so fucked up.  I knew that everyone was hurting, and
frankly I was tired of all the ‘attention’ you and Mom were giving me,” I told
her smiling slightly.  “I guess I just wanted to prove to everyone that I was
fine; that I was better.  I didn’t want anyone to see that I was still fucked
up.  It’s not your fault that you didn’t see it: I didn’t want you to see it.”
 
Deb looked down at our hands, and sighed.  “It’s still no excuse for what we
did you to.  How we treated you.”
 
“No, it’s not.  I thought we were all friends, and I didn’t think that you all
liked me only because I was with Brian,” I tell her. 
 
“That’s not why we liked you.  You became a part of our family, with or without
Brian.  You will always be a part of our family.  But that doesn’t excuse what
we did.  We should’ve been there for you,” she tells me raising her voice
slightly.  “Hell, if I were you, I would never forgive us.”
 
I turn slightly so that I can look at her in the eye.  “Thanks,” I say to her,
noting the instant shock in her face.  I know that was the last thing that she
had expected me to say to her.  “You’re right, I probably shouldn’t forgive any
of you.  But… I will.  I am willing to give it another try.” 
 
“Thank you…. Thank you, Sweetheart,” she cries, as she pulls me into a crushing
hug.
 
I pull back slightly, not quite finished.  “But if it happens again, there will
be no more chances.  I can’t go through that again.  I won’t go through that
again.”
 
Deb just nodded, and pulled me back into her arms, holding me close to her.  I
know she understands, that she’ll try her hardest to make this work between
us.  For the first time since I came back here, I am starting to feel like I
have a family again.
 
************
*Brian*
 
The moment I close the gate to the elevator, I’m on Justin.  Fuck, it’s been
entirely too long since we have had a moment alone.  I have missed this, missed
him.  Okay, so it’s not like we haven’t had sex, but for me, having sex at his
parents’ house is just wrong.  And Molly, bless her fucking heart, has a
tendency to start knocking on the damn door right when things just start to get
interesting, all because she doesn’t want to be alone.  Okay, I can’t blame the
kid, not really.  I mean, her life has just been turned upside down.  But damn,
can’t a man fuck his lover in peace?  So tonight, I sent Marsha away to the
Muncher’s house, Molly is off at her Dad’s, and Justin and I are finally alone…
at the loft.  Thank god for small wonders. 
 
I push him against the far corner of the elevator, and start to pull his shirt
out of his pants.  I can tell you it isn’t easy when he has his own hands down
my pants and his teeth on my neck, but I’m determined and I’m fucking horny as
hell.  Nothing is going to stand in my way tonight.  The moment I feel the
elevator stop, I pull away from Justin, open the gate, and throw his crutches
toward the door.  Those fucking things will only get in my way, and I can’t
stand to not touch him right now.  I pick him up and carry him to the door. 
“Justin, I have to get the damn door open,” I tell him as I try to get the damn
key in the lock.  It’s not easy with him attacking my neck and lips.  I’m half
tempted to say fuck it and take him right here.  But rational thought triumphs
as I finally get the door open.  I kick his crutches into through the door, and
close the door behind us. 
 
The bed just seems too far away; the couch is definitely a lot closer, so I
place Justin down on it and climb on top of him.  Clothes seem to magically
disappear, ‘cause I find myself feeling only flesh beneath me.  There is no way
in hell that this will be slow.  We both have waited too long and wanted each
other too much to go slow.  “Fuck me,” Justin whispers against my lips as he
hands me the lube.  I watch as he rips the condom package with his teeth, and
slowly begins to slip it on my dick.  The way he slowly rolls it down my length
almost always makes me want to cum.  I have to close my eyes and slow my
breathing to calm myself, and I can only think one thing… payback’s a bitch. 
 
I look down at him as I open the tube of lube and place some on my fingers. 
Slowly I begin to move my hand down between our bodies toward his hole.  I
begin to run one finger across the opening, not entering yet, and I watch his
face the entire time.  I watch as his pupils dilate even wider, then his eyes
roll back as I insert one finger into him – stretching him.  I push another
finger in, making sure that I hit his prostate each time I push my fingers in
and out of him.  His breath catches and he bites on his lip to keep from
screaming out… but I don’t want him to hold back.  Not tonight.  So I remove my
fingers and position myself, slamming in to the hilt.  “Fuck…. Brian… Yes…” I
hear Justin cry out.  That’s my baby.  That’s what I like to hear. 
 
I begin to slide out, only to push myself right back in, all the time making
sure that I hit that one spot with each thrust.  “That’s it… talk to me, baby,”
I tell him. 
 
“Harder, Brian…. Ah fuck!.... Fuck me harder….”
 
“You like this?” I ask, knowing full well what his answer will be.
 
“Yes… Oh god, Brian… Harder….”  And I can’t deny him that.  Suddenly I pull out
of him fully, and of course he protests loudly.  “No… Bri…”
 
“Roll over,” I tell him.  He does so, and I place a pillow under him, then
sheath myself into him again.  Hard and fast.
 
“Ahhhh,” Justin cries out.  I continue to pump into him, feeling him around me,
pulling me into him, while trying to push me out at the same time.  I run my
tongue down his back, as I grab a hold of his hand – entwining our fingers.  I
reach for his hard cock with my other hand, and I wrap my fingers around it,
stroking it.  I feel him begin to tighten around me as he reaches his climax,
and I feel my own balls tighten.  “Brian,” he calls out.  He erupts in my hand,
as I continue to push my way into him, trying to claim him, riding out his
orgasm.  But soon it’s too much for even me, and I feel myself lose it … lost
in the sensation.
 
I collapse on top of him.  Turning his face toward mine, I lightly kiss his
full lips.  “I love you, baby.”
 
“I love you, Bri.”  I roll us to our sides, never breaking the contact.  We’re
not done for the night… but we both need a little nap before round two, so I
allow myself to fall into a peaceful slumber.
 
*************
 
There You’ll Be
                            Part 10 of For All Time
                                  By: Acacia
                                        
When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed
To get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
 
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place for you
For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
            There You'll Be by Faith Hill
                                        
****** Notes:  Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic.
******
 
*Mikey*
 
I talked to Justin on the phone yesterday and he told me that he would meet me
at the comic book store around noon today.  Imagine my surprise when Ted showed
up as well.  He told me that Justin had asked him to show up also.  I closed up
the shop for a couple of hours so that we could have our ‘talk’ in private.  I
know that we’re going to have to cover some things, some … disagreements that
we had before he left.  I’m not saying that I’m sorry for anything that I’ve
done.  I mean … he hurt Brian.  Okay, so maybe I was wrong in not talking to
Justin first, and maybe finding out what the real reason was, but I mean come
on.  Brian’s my friend … and has been my friend for a whole hell of a lot
longer than Justin’s been in our lives.  I was right in telling him….
 
Wasn’t I?
 
I don’t really know anymore.  I talked to Brian when he was last here in
Pittsburgh, and I know how Brian feels about the whole thing.  I just … I don’t
know, I guess I’m not used to this ‘new and improved’ Brian.  Who would’ve ever
thought that this …. This kid would be the love of his life, the one who would
make Brian change his ways.  Not me, that’s for sure.  Okay, so maybe a part of
me will always be holding out hope that maybe… just maybe Brian and I will get
together.  But I’ve had that fantasy for years, so I can’t really just give it
up so easily.  Right? 
 
I told Brian that I knew that Justin would hurt him again, and that I didn’t
want to stand by and watch.  I still feel that way… at least in part.  I guess
I just don’t really believe that what they have will last.  Brian to me… I
still have the same idea of him that I have always had… Come on, how many times
did Brian tell me that he didn’t do love, and boyfriends, and relationships? 
Suddenly this little twinkie comes into our lives, and Brian is no longer the
man that I know.  He never did anyone more than once, and suddenly this kid is
living with him?  No one can really expect me to accept it all at once right? 
I have known him a long time, and suddenly everything changes on me.  He’s not
the same man that I’ve known most of my life. 
 
It’s just really hard to accept.
 
But I’m trying… for Brian’s sake.
 
Brian and Justin walk into the store, and Brian just moves to sit in a corner. 
I watch as Justin turns to him and gives him a look.  “You can go now,” he
tells Brian, and I guess a part of me wants to tell Justin that Brian can be
wherever the fuck he wants.  He’s Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake .. But I keep my
mouth shut.
 
“Yes, I can.  But we have plans for later, since I have to head back home
tomorrow, and I’m not going to fucking drive around the city wasting time. 
I’ll sit here and wait,” Brian says, as he pulls out a comic from the rack and
begins to read it.  Not that I think he’s really reading it, but he’s making a
show of not caring what’s going on around him. 
 
“God, you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes,” Justin adds as he turns
around and faces Ted and me.  Justin looks at us and rolls his eyes.  “Hey,” he
says sheepishly, like he’d been caught with his hand the cookie jar.
 
“So,” Ted begins, and I guess I’m sort of grateful.  I mean I have no idea what
to say, or how to start, so I’ll just leave it up to them.  It’s safer that
way.  Of course there is a part of me that wants Brian to leave so that we can
really talk.  I just don’t feel right with him here.  There’s so much that I
want to say to Justin, but I can’t.  Maybe that’s why Brian’s here.
 
“Hey just pretend that I’m not here,” Brian tells us, breaking the silence that
came across the room.  Yeah, pretend that he is not there … like that would be
easy. 
 
Justin just took a deep breath and blew it out.  The tension in the room could
be cut with a knife, and I wish I were somewhere else besides here.  “Look, I
know that you don’t like me, that you think that I am going to hurt Brian.  I
also know that there is nothing that I can say that will prove to you that I
will not let that happen … there is no way I can prove to you that I’m sorry
for ever hurting him before…”
 
“Then you should’ve thought of that before you did,” I hear myself blurt out.
 
“You’re right.  I should have … but I’m not going to try and justify what I’ve
done in the past, because I know now that it won’t happen again.  Honestly,
though… I don’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone here.  I don’t have to
make anyone here believe me … as long as Brian does, that’s all that matters. 
So nothing that either one of you say will make a damn bit of difference.  I
know what I did wrong, but I also know where you went wrong,” he said the last
part looking directly at me. 
 
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” I tell him, and I don’t think that I did … not
really.  I hear Brian laugh slightly in the corner of the room, and Ted only
looked away from me.  “Okay… so maybe we all made some mistakes,” I finally
say.  “But I fully believe I was right in telling Brian about you and Ethan. 
You went behind his back.”

”And how many times did you tell me that he would never change!  That he didn’t
do love or relationships,” Justin yells at me.  “And you,” he says looking at
Ted.  “You just stood there accusing me of the worst.  Talking shit about me!”
 
“Justin,” I hear Brian quietly say from his spot in the corner. 
 
I watch as Justin takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes.  “What I am trying
to say is that it would’ve been nice if you had come to me instead of going
behind my back and saying shit.  I thought we were all friends.”
 
“We were,” I say, suddenly feeling like shit.  “But I’ve known Brian longer,
and I had to tell him.”  Okay, so that is about as lame as I can think of … but
it’s true, in a way.  Yeah, Justin and I had some great times together, working
together, hanging out … but I just don’t have the history with him that I do
with Brian.  He shouldn’t expect anything else from me.
 
Justin looks tired as he runs a hand through his hair.  “I don’t even know why
I try.  Why I’m even bothering?  I’ve got too much other shit to deal with than
to waste my time with some fucking adolescent view of how Brian should act and
feel.  Isn’t it enough to know that we have worked things out on our own?  That
there were two people who should’ve been in this relationship and that was
Brian and I?  Not Brian, me and the entire fucking Liberty Avenue gay
community.”
 
“What do you want from me … from us?  An apology?  We’ll I’m sorry,” Ted
states.  “I can’t excuse my behavior and trust me, I got hell about it already
from Emmett.  I was wrong… I’m sorry.”
 
Justin only nods his head and turns his look toward me.  “I’d do it again,” I
tell him simply.  I know I would, there is no doubt in my mind.  I will always
be there for Brian first and foremost and if Justin gets in the way… then
that’s the way it will be.  “I won’t say I’m sorry, I can’t … because it would
be a lie.  Maybe I should’ve asked you about it first, but I still would’ve
told Brian.  I won’t allow anyone to hurt him like that.”
 
Justin only stands there, thinking about what I said.  I meant every word of
it, and I know in my heart that I will try to ensure that Brian is protected …
even if it is from the man he loves.  “All I ask is that you talk to me,” he
said finally.  “I don’t have many friends, and I shared things with you,
Michael, that I had never shared with anyone.  I would like to think that it
means something … that what we had started in the way of friendship means
something.  I know that I can never get you to trust me, and I’ll be fine with
that, but if you ever stab me in the back like that again….”  He never finished
the thought, and truthfully, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to.
 
***********
 
*Justin*
 
Brian left to head back home yesterday, and already I miss him.  I know that it
won’t be long before I’m there again … home with the man I love, with friends
that care about us, and a job that I love.  It won’t be long.  Mom came home
from the Hospital two days ago, and already she is trying to get me out of the
house and ‘back where I belong’.  I, of course, told her that I was sticking
around for at least another week before I even thought about leaving her.  She
seems to be doing alright for the most part.  She is a little depressed, but
Marsha is still here and talking to her constantly.  I’m glad that she had
decided to head back to Atlanta when I go, and not before.  She even told me
that she might stick around for a little while longer if she was needed, but
not for too much longer.  She did have a practice of sorts down there that she
couldn’t spend too much time away from.  That and, of course, she’s still
determined to keep an eye on Brian and me. 
 
I’m glad that my Mom feels comfortable talking to Marsha, ‘cause god knows I
have NO idea what she’s going through.  I don’t know what it’s like to lose a
breast, or to have to fight this cancer everyday.  The doctors were hopeful
that they got it all, but she will still require tests every three months, and
I have her guarantee that she will call me after each appointment to let me
know what they say.  Other than that, she seems to be fine.  She’s tired, of
course, and her appetite isn’t fully back yet, but I know that it will take
time for everything to get back to normal.  Molly has been great, helping Mom
out around the house, and with everything that needs to be done.  Deb takes Mom
out shopping, and said she will come over to cook for Mom at least once a
week.  I don’t doubt that she will, either.  Deb’s great. 
 
While I’ve been at work and Molly at school, Vic has been coming over and just
sitting with Mom.  They have had long discussions… about what I’m not sure I
really want to know.  It’s kinda scary to think about what those two would talk
about, but I’m glad that he’s helping out as well.  Of course Lindz has been
bringing Gus over so that Mom can play … well Mom, or Grandma, which ever the
case may be.  She just loves to fawn over Gus.  She spoils the kid rotten.  Of
course she told me one day that Gus is the closest thing that she has to a
grandchild right now, and I know she’s hinting at me having a child with
someone.  I keep telling her that I am nowhere near ready for that type of
responsibility.  I don’t know if I ever will be, really. 
 
I feel bad about having to leave Mom so soon, but I know that I have to get
back to my life.  Pittsburgh is nice, but it no longer feels like home… hasn’t
for a long time.  The weirdest thing is that my Dad is actually being civil. 
He came to dinner with Mom, Molly, Brian and me one night.  Okay, so it wasn’t
what one would call a scene out of 7th Heaven… but it was still a shock.  He’s
come by every night just to sit and talk to Mom, and they have a ‘dinner date’
this weekend.  So I’m a little scared for her … I mean what’s stopping him from
hurting her again?  I know, I promised myself and my Mom that I would give him
a chance, but it’s not easy to let go.  I’m trying, though.
 
In the week since Brian left, Michael and I have been talking about another
issue of Rage. He told me how he has had it on the back burner for the past
year, and the public wants to know what’s happening in the lives of Rage and
Zephyr.  I don’t know.  I told him I’d do it, but that my schedule would be
tight.  I still have school to go back to, work, and my relationship with
Brian, but I promised him I would work on it as much as I can and we’ll work
something out.  It’s not much, but it’s a start. 
 
Mom is getting a lot stronger, and I know now that she will be alright.  We
Taylors are a strong bunch, and it’ll take a lot more than cancer … or a bat to
the head … to bring us down.  Deb and I are as close as we ever have been, and
Emmett … what to say about him.  Emmett has promised to come and visit again,
especially since he had such a fun time last time he visited.  Vic has also
promised to come and visit.  Lindsey and Mel have invited Brian and me to
Christmas/Chanukah dinner with them in December, and they told us that we just
HAD to be there for Gus’ birthday. 
 
Things actually seem to be like they were before I left … before everything got
all fucked up.
 
But I’ve decided that things will never be the way they were before.  They
can’t be.  All I can do now is hope that maybe we can all meet halfway.  My
life here in Pittsburgh is over, but I don’t want to give up everything here. 
I mean, this is the place where I met Brian, where I fell in love with him,
where our lives began.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always
treasure my time here.  But Pittsburgh is the past, and I plan on leaving it
there – well, with the exception of my friends here; I won’t give them up so
easily.  If they weren’t here, I would never bother with this city again,
except for my memories.
 
No Pittsburgh is my past ….
 
It’s time to go home to my present … my future.
 
It’s time to go home to Brian.
 
********
 
The End….
(well until the sequel….)
 
Thanks guys for all your support and everything ….
Acacia
©2002
 
 
 
 
***** Thanksgiving *****
FaT Thanksgiving..
This takes place after For All Time
 
*Justin’s Journal*
 
            Hey, it’s been a while, I know, but things have been hectic here to
say the least.  Brian and I are doing okay.  We have our problems, but that is
to be expected.  I don’t really know what to say, but we’re surviving.  My leg
has basically healed, thank-god.  I still walk with a limp, but they say that
more than likely I may have that for the rest of my life.  That’s okay, well it
has to be okay.  Molly came down for the summer, which was good for my mom.  It
gave her a break from everything.  I told her to take a little trip, to heal
herself instead of worrying about Molly.  From what she had told me, her and
dad are getting along.  It’s good, I guess.  Dad and I are … well we’re
talking.  I know that things will never be the way they were with him – there
are just too many bad memories, to many things that override the good, I
guess.   But we’re talking which is more than I EVER expected. 
 
Molly… well what can I say about her.  She’s going through the rebellion
stage.  Big time, rebellion.  That’s why I told Mom that I would take her for
the summer.  Fuck that was the biggest mistake of my life.  Molly had been
causing problems for Mom, and it wasn’t helping Mom’s healing at all.  Dad
wasn’t too big of a help, cause frankly Molly was worse with him.  I guess I
thought that things would be alright for her down here… that we could handle
her… man was I wrong.  Not that Brian had any problem… no Molly and Brian got
along fine… She was just pure hell for me.  We got into so many fights that I
almost threw her out of the house one night.  She started hanging out with the
wrong people, going out, drinking, whatever else.  I couldn’t believe it… she
was only 12!!!!  I NEVER would’ve thought to do that shit when I was that age. 
 
I don’t know how Brian was able to get through to her, but we finally sat down
near the end of her visit and hashed things out.  We cleared a lot of things
up, and I can tell you it was an eye opening experience.  She blames me for a
lot, and I told her a lot of things that she never knew.  I thought she did,
but I guess Mom and Dad kept her guarded from a lot of things.  We’re closer
now, thank god, than we ever have been before.  For that alone, I am glad that
she came.  We talk now, almost every night.  Just about things, you know. 
 
Work has been a pain as well.  It’s never ending.  The accounts, the trips, all
the damn shit that I used to get pissed at Brian for, well I’m going through it
now.  Lucky me I guess.  He sits back and laughs at me when I go on one of my
little tyrants about something.  He thinks it’s funny!  Of course he hasn’t had
it easy either.  I mean Vance has been a pain in his side for months about one
thing or another.  But lucky for us, we have learned that the moment we step in
the house… work is gone.  We try to never bring work home… it’s been a lot
easier on our relationship, and on our own peace of mind.
 
Brian and I went back to the Pitts for Gus’ Birthday.  We decided that we had
to… not only for Gus but for ourselves as well.  I keep telling Brian that it’s
our anniversary, and he of course rolls his eyes at me.  He keeps telling me
that if we had anymore damn anniversaries then we would be having a party every
day of the year.  Hey, I don’t mind…  But Brian is different.  Yeah, he’s
changed in the past year or so, but he’s still Brian.  He’s a little better on
the celebration type things, but in part he still thinks that they are
bullshit.  I can’t really fault him for that.  There is only one anniversary
where we shut everything and everyone out, and that’s the one of my Prom.  This
year we went as far away from civilization as possible and celebrated life. 
That’s the only way I can really describe it… we were both just happy to be
alive. 
 
Not much else is really happening.  Marsha is in a relationship.  Her partner
is a lot of fun.  The four of us often just hang out.  Rick and Nichole are now
married.  They got hitched back in September.  It was a small wedding, but
nice.  Kate is still dating this asshole, and Kelly is throwing herself in her
work.  I don’t know if she has fully gotten over her brother’s death… well not
to the extent of what we would like to see.  Her parents have been total
assholes to her, still claiming that Nate was not their son.  So she has been
effectively disowned by her family, and I think that has almost crushed her. 
She really needed them after Nate’s death, and she still needs them… but they
are too set in their ways.  So Brian and I have sort of adopted her into our
family, and we often spend time together.  I think we all need that… at least
Kelly and I do.  Brian calls us Siamese twins, cause we are never far apart
from each other.  And Kevin and Mark are finally a real couple.  They moved in
together in a small apartment downtown.  They are both still working hard at
the Rainbow House.
 
Now… let’s see… oh yeah… Matt…. God what can I say about him.  He’s irritating
as hell?  He keeps trying to hit on me, and I keep having to tell him that I’m
in a relationship and to leave me the hell alone.  Of course it bothers Brian
more than it bothers me, but I try to stay away from him at all costs.  The
last thing I need if for Brian to get all possessive on me again. 
 
Brian had a slight relapse a couple of months ago… and to say that I was pissed
would be an understatement.  I wasn’t sure if he was still turning tricks
occasionally, or not.  I mean I knew that he was trying, he really is, so I
can’t really be too pissed about it.  I just don’t know for sure yet why he
felt the need… but I don’t know if I ever really will.  I mean, he went so long
without slipping, and for that alone, I am proud of him.  I can’t really say
too much about it, since I have found at times myself wanting something a
little less…. I don’t know… passionate?  No that’s not the right word.  I don’t
really know how to describe it really, but I have seen a guy at times and told
myself ‘man what I wouldn’t do to have a piece of that!’ but I quickly stop
myself.  Brian… well Brian has been exceptional.  I know that there are times
even now after his slip that he feels the slight pull, and I know that it will
take time for him to completely stop, and he’s getting a whole lot better as
time goes on.  So I can’t complain.  I know that one day I will be the only one
for him.  I know it now.
 
So let’s see the present… Brian invited Mel, Gus, and Lindsey down for
Thanksgiving… so of course the whole gang will be here.  Cause of course they
mentioned it to Deb, and Deb mentioned it to Emmett, Michael, and Ted… well you
get the idea.  Then my Mom and Molly will be here as well.  So with the gang
from Pittsburgh, and the group here… I don’t know where we’re going to put
everyone!  Luckily I guess, Deb, Vic, Lindsey and my mom have all but told me I
am NOT going to be allowed in my own damn kitchen that day.  Of course I won’t
tell them how pleased I am about that one! 
 
Shit… Brian just came home, so I’ll let you go.  We have to get ready to pick
up the gang from the airport tomorrow morning, so we have to get the house
ready for whoever decides to stay here.  The rest can stay at the hotel down
the way…
 
Until later,  Justin
 
*Justin*
 
Brian walks up behind me as I close my book and set it on the table.  His arms
go around me, and I can feel his lips on my neck.  “Hey,” I say as greeting.
 
“Is that all I get,” he asks, and I answer him by turning around on the couch
to kiss him fully on the lips.  I pull on him enough to where he climbs over
the back of the couch and lays on top of me.  If it’s on thing that I will
never tire of it’s the feeling of him towering over me, with his lips and hands
on me.  No… I will NEVER tire of that.  No matter what problems we have, no
matter how pissed off at him I get… I know that he will always love me.  I
begin to slowly unbutton his shirt, exposing his well defined chest to my
hands.  He pulls back a little, and just stares down at me.  “You know if we
keep this up, we won’t be ready for everyone tomorrow.”
 
I wrap my legs around his body, bringing us closer together, and pull him down
for a kiss.  “Everything is as ready as it’s going to be,” I tell him as I
begin to nibble on his ear.  “So why don’t we just enjoy our last day of being
alone for the next week?”
 
Brian looked down at me and smiled.  “So you think that you’ll get some
tonight, do you?”
 
I answer him by pulling him back down fully on top of me.  “Fuck me, Brian,” I
breathe in his ear.  Before I could say anything our lips were locked together,
tongues dueling each other for superiority.  Granted this is one battle that I
don’t care if I lose.  I love Brian’s kisses, his touch.  He always puts his
soul into everything that he does, wanting to be the best that he can be.  Sex
is no different, and believe me, Brian is most definitely the best.
 
*******
 
After Brian went to work the next morning, I figured that I might as well get
everything around the house set.  Mom had told me that their flight would be in
around 10 and they would head directly here.  I still have no idea who will be
staying here at the house, but I’m not sure I really want to worry about it
now.  The food’s been bought, the tables are downstairs, everything is ready
except for the guests.  Fuck, why did I ever let Brian talk me into doing this
I will never know?  All I really wanted was a nice quiet Thanksgiving with him…
not him and the whole fucking gang. 
 
The doorbell rings and I rush down the stairs as fast as I can with this damn
limp I still have, and open it.  Before I can get anything out of my mouth in
the way of greeting, I find the whole horde making their way into the house. 
Fuck, I am so not ready for this.  Thank god I love Brian so much, or else I
would most likely be in jail for committing homicide.  As each person passes I
either receive a kiss, or a tight hug.  I wasn’t sure if Deb would ever let go,
but thankfully Gus wanted attention and she had to let me go. 
 
“Hey Gus,” I say as I pick him up into my arms.  I look over at the group of
people littered throughout my living room and give them a small smile.  “Hey. 
How was the flight?”
 
Everyone starts talking at once, and I have a hard time to decipher what the
hell any of them are saying.  And I honestly wanted to work things out with all
of them.  I must really need to be in a mental institute.  I answer all the
questions, and everyone starts to go about their things… whatever that is.  I
watch Deb, Vic, Mom, and Lindsey all head to the kitchen to see what needed to
be done for tomorrow.  I know that I will not be allowed anywhere near there
for the next day or so. 
 
It seemed like forever before Brian came home, and it was not a moment too
soon.  I mean, it’s not like I’m NOT happy that everyone is here, but damn!  I
still have been having some issues, things that have never been cleared up, and
I’m not sure that they will ever be.  But things have been going good with
them, and I can tolerate them… at small intervals!  God, I feel like I’m ready
to explode – just tell everyone to get the fuck out of my house, and never show
their faces here again.  It would’ve been a lot better for me if they had only
showed up a couple at a time. 
 
I had moved to my small office upstairs, not wanting to be subjected to all of
that any longer when Brian comes up behind me.  He places his arms around my
shoulders and kisses me lightly on the cheek.  “That bad huh?”
 
“You don’t know the half of it.  I was kinda hoping that they would show up a
couple at a time… not all at once, Bri.”  I know I shouldn’t be complaining. 
It’s the holidays, and I should be happy that everyone is here… but dammit
things have been hectic to say the least lately, and I’m not ready to face all
of this.
 
Brian turns my chair around and kneels down in front of me.  “I’m sorry, baby.”
 
I lean my head against his and run my hands through his hair.  “It’s okay.  I’m
just stressed, and I have a little headache is all.  It’ll be okay.  I
promise.”
 
I know that Brian worries about me and my health, and he’s been trying to make
things easier on me.  Work these past six months has been hell, and I’ve been
working non-stop it seems.  Between going on long business trips, and working
my ass off at the office, Brian and I hadn’t had much time together.  Hence his
little slip.  He honestly thought that I had been cheating on him, and he
resorted to his old method of pain relief.  We sat down and talked about
things, and I know that he hates it when I’m so busy… but he does understand. 
I mean really… like I would fuck Matt!  Please!  We can laugh about it now,
thankfully.
 
The only thing is… work is the problem, not us.  Brian and I agreed that when
we are in this house, or out together… there will be NO talk of work.  When we
are together, it’s just the two of us.  It’s the only way that we can make this
relationship work, and we’re both determined to do that.  I can’t tell you what
a relief it is for me to not have to have that sort of pressure anymore.  I was
becoming soo stressed out, working my ass off, I actually had another nervous
breakdown.  Needless to say it freaked Brian out, and changes were made.  The
doctor told me that I really needed to take it easy for while, less stress. 
Not that he thought that it was possible, but he said that I needed to take
time out of each day to just relax.  If not… he wasn’t sure how my health would
suffer.  Of course all Brian heard was high blood pressure, ulcers... you name
it he heard only the bad.  So we change our lives around. 
 
What’s really funny is that I’ve been trying to get Brian to calm down for
years, and all it took was the doctor to say one bad thing about what the
stress was doing to me to make him change.  If I had known that was all it
took… I would’ve done it a long time ago.
 
“Most of the gang headed to the hotel,” he told me running his hand across the
back of my neck, while his other hand is lightly tracing the bracelet I still
wear.  “Hungry?”
 
I look at Brian like he’s lost his mind.  “Like I would be allowed in my
kitchen.  I think that Deb and the others have confiscated everything.  I’m not
even allowed to look in that direction.”
 
Brian stands and takes my hand in his own.  “Well, we’ll just have to go out to
dinner or something.”  Have I mentioned lately how much I love this man?
 
***********
 
*Brian*
 
Thanksfuckinggiving.  How totally fucking pathetic!  I can’t believe that I
honestly thought that this would be a good idea.  Here I am in my own home, and
it seems like world war three has just hit.  What used to be a nice quiet place
where I could relax has turned into a fucking diner.  Chairs and tables
littered the space, despite my suggestion that we could very well eat outside. 
But NOOOO, Thanksgiving dinner needs to be eaten inside.  Fuck!  I’m half
tempted to follow Justin’s example and head upstairs to our office.  Luckily I
guess for Justin anyway, Gus looked tired and needed to go down for a nap
before this whole mess started.  So what the hell does Justin do?  He fucking
takes Gus and disappears, leaving ME to deal with all this shit.  Oh he’ll make
up for this tonight, I can tell you that much.  He’s going to owe me big time.
 
“I hope you guys are planning on cleaning all this shit up,” I ask Deb, looking
over what used to be a kitchen.  Pots, pans, dishes, fuck everything was spread
out over all available space.  All of our friends here each brought a small
dish, so of course Deb had to make room for it on one of the counters.  When
the kitchen was too full for anything else, they started in on any counter
space elsewhere in the house.  I can feel a migraine coming on and all I want
to do is get this day over with. 
 
Deb.  As much as I love her, and I do, she always seems to think that you have
to have enough food to feed an army.  I’ll be having leftovers for the next
fucking year at the rate they are cooking.  “Of course we will sweetie… don’t
worry about a thing.  Now get out of the kitchen and go help Michael get the
tables ready.  Dinner should be ready in a hour.”
 
I have to bite my tongue from coming back with some sort of smartass reply. 
I’m being told what to do in my own house.  Justin is the only one who can get
away with that, and he doesn’t all that often, thank you very much.  Fuck!  Now
why did I think this was such a good idea?  Instead of going to help Michael I
head outside to grab a quick cigarette.  I see Kelly sitting down on one of the
chairs outside having a smoke herself, and I move to sit by her.  “It’s a
fucking zoo in there.  Remind me next year that if you plan on doing this
again, to not come,” she said with a smile.
 
“If I think of doing this next year, I won’t come either,” I reply pulling out
one from the pack and lighting it.  I take a deep breathe and exhale slowly,
feeling the smoke fill my lungs, calming me.  “You could always help you know.”
 
“Yeah right.  I think your friends have confiscated every square inch of that
house and claimed it as their own.  Hell the room I use is even converted into
a play room,” she laughed.  I try not to laugh, but I can’t help it.  She’s
right.  I guess I’m glad that she hasn’t been over to stay a couple of nights
with us lately.  If she had, then we would definitely been shit up a creek. 
Kelly had claimed the room that Gus and Molly are staying in as her own, since
she often needs a break away from her roommate and Justin and I let her stay
here. 
 
“Well they will all be gone soon, and you’ll have to come over to help us get
the place back to normal,” I tell her.
 
“Oh I see how it is,” she looks over at me.  “You only want to use me for a
house cleaner.  Well let me tell you something, big man, I don’t think so,” she
says with a smile.  “You’re on your own on this one.  You wanted them to come…
you clean up the mess.”
 
“Thanks for nothing,” I say as I snuff out the remainder of my cigarette. 
“Dinner should be ready soon.”  I head back into the house and make my way over
to Mikey.  I might as well get this shit over with.
 
**********
 
With everything on the table, and our friends gathered around, I finally allow
myself to relax a little.  I glance around and take note of everyone who has
touched Justin and my life.  Our friends both from Pittsburgh and here in
Atlanta, all gathered around, talking, eating, just enjoying being together. 
Family.  That’s what this is.  Never before in my life had I felt this way…
like I’m actually a part of a family.  Well with the exception of Justin that
is.  I look over at Justin and he smiles brightly at me. 
 
I realize that all the shit that we have gone through, all the shit that we
will go through, is just that… shit.  We’re together.  A hell of a lot longer
than either one of us would’ve thought possible, but we are together.  We
survived, and we will continue to do so.  I reach for his hand and take it in
my own.  We both turn to look back over the group that has gathered and I know
that Justin feels the same way I do.  That no matter what the world throws at
us, we’ll get through it.  We’ll get through it because we have people who will
help us through it, and make sure that we make it. 
 
Cause that’s what family is all about.
 
********
FIN
 
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