Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13307109.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/F, F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Waterparks_(Band), Halsey_(Musician), Set_It_Off_(Band), PVRIS_(Band),
      Fall_Out_Boy, Paramore, All_Time_Low_(Band), My_Chemical_Romance, The
      Academy_Is..., Cobra_Starship, New_Years_Day_(Band), We_Are_the_In_Crowd,
      SAINTE, Tonight_Alive, Pierce_the_Veil, Sleeping_With_Sirens, Panic!_at
      the_Disco, Cassadee_Pope_-_Fandom, Hey_Monday
  Relationship:
      Cody_Carson/Maxx_Danziger, Patrick_Stump/Pete_Wentz, Jack_Barakat/Zack
      Merrick, Frank_Iero/Gerard_Way, William_Beckett/Gabe_Saporta, Taylor
      Jardine/Jenna_McDougall, Vic_Fuentes/Kellin_Quinn, Ryan_Ross/Brendon
      Urie, Ashley_Frangipane_|_Halsey/Lynn_Gunn, Hayley_Williams/Taylor_York,
      Awsten_Knight/Geoff_Wigington, Alex_Babinski/Brian_MacDonald, Rian
      Dawson/Cassadee_Pope
  Character:
      Ashley_Frangipane_|_Halsey, Maxx_Danziger, Cody_Carson, Pete_Wentz,
      Patrick_Stump, Hayley_Williams, Taylor_York, Zack_Merrick, Rian_Dawson,
      Jack_Barakat, Alex_Gaskarth, Gerard_Way, Mikey_Way, Frank_Iero, William
      Beckett, Gabe_Saporta, Ashley_Costello, Taylor_Jardine, Jenna_McDougall,
      Vic_Fuentes, Kellin_Quinn, Brendon_Urie, Ryan_Ross, Awsten_Knight, Geoff
      Wigington, Lynn_Gunn, Brian_MacDonald_(PVRIS), Alex_Babinski, Original
      Male_Character(s), Original_Female_Character(s), Original_Child_Character
      (s), Cassadee_Pope
  Additional Tags:
      Everyone_Is_Gay, and_mentally_ill, group_home_au, Depression, Anxiety,
      OCD, Anorexia, Bulimia, EDNOS, Schizophrenia, Bipolar_Disorder, Abuse,
      Child_Abuse, Neglect, Sexual_Abuse, Verbal_Abuse, Past_Abuse, Child
      Abandonment, Suicide_Attempt, Self-Harm, Smut, Fluff, Angst, Hurt/
      Comfort, Substance_Abuse, Ray_and_Lyn-Z_and_Andy_and_Joe_and_Chrissy_show
      up, for_like_5_seconds, as_teachers
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-01-08 Updated: 2018-02-01 Chapters: 7/? Words: 7399
****** Folie De Tous ******
by fvnwithgvns
Summary
     16 year old Lynn Gunn is kicked out when she tells her parents she's
     gay. From there, she ends up in a group home with 14 other fucked-up
     teenagers. You know the drill by now- everyone is gay and mentally
     ill.
     Inspired by The Darkness Inside Us by realmsoffreedom, which you can
     read here. archiveofourown.org/works/11718345?view_full_work=true
***** Chapter 1 *****
“I’m gay.” The words hang in the air, silence echoing ever so loudly.
 
“What did you just say?” His voice is calm. Quiet. Dangerous. The calm before
the storm, Lynn knows all too well. She’s horrified by it.
 
“I-I’m gay. I like girls.”
 
“I know what gay means, you filthy fucking dyke!” He stands, towering over her.
The monster from her nightmares, come alive and standing right in front of her.
 
“Peter…” her mother starts, her voice a warning tone.
 
“Stay out of this.” he snaps at her. “Get out of this house and get out before
I kill you!” He screams at Lynn.
 
She knows what to do.
 
She runs.
 
***
 
“Everyone, this is Lyndey.” Cass, her new foster mom, ushers her into the
gigantic living room. The house is like something out of a movie: giant
sprawling grounds, brick exterior, too many rooms to count. “Lynn, this is
everyone. Why don’t we all go around and introduce ourselves?” she prompts the
other kids.
 
There’s around 15 in total.
 
A girl on the left with bright orange hair speaks first. “Hey! I’m Hayley, I’m
16, and I’ve been here the longest. 15 years, to be exact.”
 
The next person, a short, tan girl with long blue hair, waves. “I’m Ashley F.”
She holds a young child in her arms, balanced on her hip. "And this is Leah, my
daughter."
 
“Ashley C., but you can call me Ash.” A girl with half red, half black hair.
 
“Maxx.” A pale, blond boy.
 
“Brian. Hi.” A tall boy with gauges.
 
“I’m Jack.” A tall, tan, lanky boy.
 
Another wave. “Alex.” Another tall, lanky boy.
 
“Gerard, Gerard Way.” A slightly chubby boy with black hair.
 
“William. Or Bill, or Bilvy, anything really. Except Will. I don’t do Will.” He
smiles. A tall, thin boy with hair that swoops in an old-fashioned curl in the
front of his forehead.
 
“Hi, I’m Taylor, or Tay. Either works.” A girl with brown eyes and a warm
smile.
 
“K-K-Kellin.” A boy whose black hair completely hides his face.
 
"I'm Patrick." A short boy with soft blond hair.
 
"Hey, I'm Awsten." A boy with silvery-blue hair.
 
“Officially George Ryan Ross The Third. But call me Ryan.” The last boy grins.
 
Lynn stares in utter shock. She had no idea there’d be this many kids. She
thought a normal sized family would be taking her in- 2, maybe 3 kids. But
certainly not-she pauses to count- 14. Plus the baby.
 
She barely manages a small wave. Her heart is pounding and she can barely
breathe. 
 
"Don't worry if you can't remember all the names. No one can at first." Cass
smiles at her. 
 
Just then, a young man with his hair buzzed close to his skull walks in. "Babe,
this is Lyndsey." Cass wraps her arm around the man. "Lynn, this is my husband
Rian. You met at the interview, I believe."
 
"Yeah." Lynn manages to choke out. 
 
"Tay, why don't you take Lynn to your room? Since you guys will be roommates, I
figure you can show her around." Rian says with a smile. Everyone here is
smiling. What the fuck are they all so happy about?
 
The girl--Tay-- bounces forward. "C'mon, Lynn, I'll show you our room."
 
Lynn follows her silently up a spiral staircase, into a long hallway. Their
room has a chalkboard hanging on the door, as do all the others. 'Tay and Lynn'
is written in curly script. 
 
"This is our room!" Tay seems to be full of energy, unlike Lynn, who's had a
day full of forms and interviews and driving and being dragged around. "My
bed's that one." She points to the bed on the left side of the room, one filled
with squishy purple pillows and fuzzy blankets. Lynn's bed has a single pillow
and a blue blanket. "Mom and dad didn't know what you'd like, but they'll take
you bedding shopping soon. Your dresser is here, and you have half the closet.
Want help putting anything away?" 
 
"I, um, don't actually have anything." Lynn barely whispers.
 
"Oh! Yeah, that was the case with me too when I first got here. 'Course, that
was years ago now. Mom and dad'll get you everything you need. I shouldn't tell
you this, but dad's dad is loaded. I mean, like, crazy rich. That's why we have
such a big house! Plus they get money from the state for us. So you'll have
everything soon, I promise." Tay offers an encouraging smile.
 
"I'm sure they will." Lynn doesn't mean for this to come out sarcastically, but
somehow it does. She collapses on to her bed and curls up. Tay, taking the
hint, walks slowly out of the room and shuts the door.
 
And that's when the panic kicks in. She's in a new place with new people and
there's so many of them how can she get to know them all why are there so many
oh god oh god why she can't breathe why can't she breathe it hurts make it stop
make it--
 
"Lynn?"
 
"Lyndsey?"
 
"God, is she okay?"
 
"...panic attack, I thought it was best to give her some time by herself, I'm
so sorry..." that's Tay, Lynn's brain registers. 
 
"Shh, it's okay, baby. You didn't know."
 
"Guys, she's breathing more normally. I think it's over."
 
Lynn blinks. Her head is pounding and she feels like she's going to throw up. 
 
Rian and Cass are leaning over her, flanked by Tay and a man Lynn doesn't
recognize. 
 
"Lyndsey?" The man asks. He's tall, with brown hair combed to one side, wearing
a blue suit and a dragon ring on his left hand.
 
"Lynn." She corrects. She hates her full name. 
 
"I'm Michael. I'm the family's therapist."  
 
"Lynn, sweetie, what happened?" Cass's voice is high and melodical. Somehow, it
makes Lynn feel safer. 
 
"There's just...just so many people and I'm not great in social situations and
I'm in a new place..." Lynn's voice trails off. What a stupid reason for a
panic attack. 
 
"Are you agoraphobic? Kellin's agoraphobic." Tay asks. 
 
"Taylor Kathleen, you know not to ask questions like that!" Rian snaps. Lynn
shrinks into herself. She hates when people get angry. 
 
Cass shoots Rian a warning look. Rian blanches. 
 
"Lynn, do you need anything?" Michael asks. "I'm always here. I'm practically
one of the kids." He smiles. Lynn doesn't return it. 
 
"I'm fine." Her voice is sharp. Oh god, she didn't mean to be rude. What if...
 
"Okay. If you say so." Michael shrugs. "Tell Rian or Cass if you need me."
Lynn nods. She just wants to be left alone. 
 
"Tay can stay here with you, if you don't wanna to come back to the common. I
can bring dinner up." Cass offers a warm smile as she, Michael, and Rian leave
the room. 
 
Luckily, Tay doesn't talk much this time. 
 
Before she knows it, Lynn drifts into a restless sleep, plagued with demons
that won't let her go. 
***** Chapter 2 *****
"Lynn? Hey, mom brought you dinner."
Lynn opens her eyes to Tay standing over her, looking worried.
"Not hungry," she mumbles and turns over. Panic attacks completely steal her
appetite. Just the idea of food makes her want to puke.
"You alright?" Tay asks tentatively.
"Fine."
"You sure? You were yelling in your sleep."
Shit, shit, shit. Not the nightmares again.
"I'd be just fucking fine if you stopped bothering me!" Lynn finally snaps.
Oh god. What did she do?
Instead of lunging at her, Tay leans down by her bedside. "Hey, I know you
probably want everyone to go away, but we're not going anywhere, okay? We all
get what you're going through. I know it doesn't feel like anyone does, but
we've all been there. Being the new kid is next to impossible. Especially in a
family this big. Hell, I had 3 panic attacks my first day here."
Tay? This bright, bubbly, energetic girl, have panic attacks?
"You-you have panic attacks?" Lynn questions.
"Fuck yeah I do! Talking is my way of coping with my anxiety. I never shut up
when I'm anxious." Tay admits.
"So you mean this whole time..."
"I've been terrified." Tay completes. "You're new, and I didn't want to set you
off, and I felt like it was my fault you had a panic attack because I left you
alone, and I said the wrong thing about agoraphobia, and then when you
snapped... I don't want my roommate to hate me." Tay's voice is close to
breaking.
 
Now it's Lynn's turn to console the other girl. "I don't hate you. I'm just not
good under pressure and I just felt like everyone needed me to be okay when I'm
so not."
"It's okay to not be okay." This sounds so earnest Lynn almost cries. Tears
pool in her eyes, threatening to spill. "Now seriously, are you sure you don't
want to eat?"
"I'm sure."
"Well, I'm going down to dinner. If you're up to it, you could come. If you
want, of course." Tay adds hurriedly.
"Oh, fuck it. I'll go." Lynn decides.
 
***
"And then, if you'll believe it, we find Maxx's lizard in Pete's room!" The
short blond boy- P something? Patrick?- finishes his story with a laugh. "He
must of, like, somehow hitched a ride on me, and I didn't notice until I was
over there! And it'd been two days and Pete didn't notice him either!"
Apparently Pete is Patrick's boyfriend. From what she's heard, Lynn guesses
they're pretty close. Almost everyone here seems to have a boyfriend or
girlfriend or partner of some sort. Most of them aren't straight. Somehow, that
makes Lynn feel better. Here, she isn't the odd one out.
Lynn slowly takes a bite of her potatoes. She's trying to eat, she really is.
She's just so depressed/non-hungry.
"I swear the same thing happened with me and Jenna once. Maxx, you've gotta
keep better track of your lizard or he's gonna keep ending up at people's
partner's houses." Tay, who's sitting next to Lynn, laughs. "I don't know he
does it. I'd freak if I ever lost one of my pets."
"Hemingway followed me halfway home and I didn't even notice," Patrick
supplies. He turns to Lynn. "Hemingway is Pete's dog. Apparently no one can
keep track of their pets around here."
"Lynn, do you want any pets?" Cass asks.
"I guess I never really thought about it," she answers honestly. Pets were far
too messy for her mother to allow, and God knows she wouldn't ask her father.
"If you could have anything, what would you all have?" Rian asks from the end
of the table.
"A dragon!"
"An alien!"
"Maxx, that's not an animal."
"Dad didn't say it had to be an animal."
"I'd have a chinchilla."
"I want a panda!"
Voices chorus from all around the giant dining table. Surprisingly, far from
being overwhelmed, Lynn enjoys the noise. It's better than the silent dinners
she's used to. Either silent or filled with her father's screaming. She prefers
the silence. Although she likes this far better than that. There's an air of
friendliness all around the table. She almost smiles thinking about it.
The chatter soon drowns out any negative thoughts she's having. She's getting
caught up in talking. She feels like she's among friends here. It's safe.
Secure. And she's only been here a few hours.
***
"Lynn, this is our bathroom schedule." Cass points to a giant whiteboard poster
on the wall. "With so many of us, we have to have a schedule for getting ready
for bed. There's 6 bathrooms here- the downstairs half bath, the blue
downstairs bathroom, the white upstairs bathroom, the tan upstairs bathroom,
the basement bathroom, and me and Rian's bathroom. Of course, if it's an
emergency and all the other bathrooms are taken, you can use our bathroom."
"You'll be in the blue bathroom, right after Hayley and before Ashley and
Leah." Rian supplies. "You'll have night showers. You have 20 minutes to shower
and get ready for bed. In the morning, you'll only have 10 minutes since you're
not showering."
Lynn nods. No home she's been in has ever been this organized. Of course, she's
only been in one home and one shelter.
"Gerard! Awsten! Ryan! Ash! Time for showers!" Cass shouts. She knocks on the
white bathroom's door. "Hayley, you have two minutes."
Hayley cracks the door open, in her pajamas and with her hair in a towel. "K.
I'll be done in a second."
Lynn remembers something as she realizes she'll be next to shower. "Um, excuse
me?" She taps Rian's shoulder.
Rian turns around. "Hmm?"
"I don't, I mean, I can't...I don't have shampoo or a toothbrush or pajamas or
anything."
"Oh! No problem. Come with me." Rian walks off down the hall. He leads Lynn to
a closet door. "This is our donations closet. Take what you need for now,
tomorrow mom and I can take you shopping."
Lynn opens the door, in awe of what's behind it. It looks like a mini store.
There's racks of clothes, packages of toothpaste and hairbrushes and shoes. The
best part is, everything looks new. In most places, the donations were, well,
donations. And she didn't get to keep them, so in the end, she was left with
nothing.
She searches the shelves and racks, grabbing a giant tee shirt, pajama pants, a
toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hairbrush. She walks down the hall, to the
bathroom where Hayley's emerging with wet hair and no makeup. "Your turn!" She
says "There's body wash and stuff already in the shower."
Lynn gives her a thumbs up and heads into the shower.
***
The rest of the night goes by fairly smoothly. She showers, gets ready for bed,
and heads to her room where Tay lends her a book and she reads until her eyes
are heavy and her body is begging her for rest. She falls asleep nearly the
second she turns off the lights.
Maybe this place won't be so bad.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Hey, major trigger warning for physical abuse/abusive language in
     this chapter. Keep yourselves safe and read the trigger warnings
     before each chapter!
     -xoalex
"You useless piece of shit!" He towers over her, holding his folded belt in the
air. "I thought your mother taught you enough to know what we expect in this
house. Apparently nothing gets through to you, you fucking retard!" He brings
the belt down across Lynn's back. Tears form in her eyes, rolling down her
cheeks.
Don't cry. Don't show weakness. Don't let him see.
"I'm sorry Lyndsey, but you know why he does this. It's for your own good."
Lynn's mother speaks in a tone that implies she's anything but sorry.
Another strike. Lynn cries out. She just wants it to stop, to be over...
"Lynn!"
She's jolted from her sleep by Tay's voice.
"StopstopI'msorry!" The words come out in a string as she chokes back a sob.
"Hey, Lynn. You're safe. I'll get mom if you want."
Lynn opens her eyes to see Tay standing over her yet again. She reaches up to
wipe tears from her eyes. "Sorry. Was I screaming again?" She asks.
"Yeah. And you don't have to apologize. Nightmares are terrifying. Do you want
me to get someone?"
"Can you? Please?" Lynn asks in a small voice.
"Sure. I'll be right back." Tay flips on the lights as she leaves the room.
She returns with a tired looking Cass. "Lynn? Do you need anything, honey?" She
asks.
No. You're fine. You don't need anything.
"Can we... I mean, I don't want to inconvenience you. You were trying to
sleep."
"You kids come first."
Lynn battles within herself.
Don't be selfish. She needs sleep, not you burdening her with your stupid
problems.
You need help. She's here for it.
You're fine!
No I'm not.
"Can we talk?" She finally manages to say.
"Sure thing. Do you want to go downstairs so Tay can go back to sleep?"
"Yeah." Lynn swings her legs over the bed and follows Cass downstairs.
***
"You don't have to tell me about your nightmare. I know it's hard, and you
barely know me. We can talk about anything you want."
"Thank you."
"So, here we can homeschool y'all or you can go to regular school. It's your
choice. We send all our kids to Saint Andrews. It's one of the best private
schools in the state. They have small classes, so you'll get one-on-one help
from the teachers. But we can also teach you here if school is too much." Cass
explains. "What's your favorite subject?" She prompts.
"Definitely english." Lynn manages a small smile. "I write songs, actually."
"Oh really? That's cool!" Cass beams. "Gerard and Hayley are both in bands,
Maxx's boyfriend Cody writes too, and Brian's been looking to start a band with
his friend Alex." She puts emphasis on the word friend and raises her eyebrows,
obviously implying something. "They just need a singer."
Before Lynn knows it, she's completely forgotten about her nightmare, caught up
in talk of music and school with Cass. Conversation comes naturally once
they're on the subject of music.
At 4am, Lynn heads back upstairs to her room, and for once, manages to have a
dream-free sleep.
***
Rian passes around a plate of toast, while Ashley F. is busy spooning oatmeal
into Leah's mouth and Alex is piling bacon onto his plate. Lynn hesitantly
takes a piece of toast, biting into it dry.
"So. Lynn. Today we're taking you shopping," Cass announces, taking a sip of
her coffee. "You can pick any of the kids to go with you, if you want."
"Mom, can I go? I need new hair dye and Leah needs diapers." Ashley F. asks.
"Hair dye again? What color are you going this time?" Hayley asks.
"Like you're one to talk! Your hair's been like, every color."
"Fair." Hayley raises her cup of tea in mock toast to Ashley.
"I'm thinking of cutting my hair, too. So can I go?" Ashley asks again.
"That's up to Lynn," Cass says. "Lynn?"
"No, yeah, she can come. No problem."
"Cass, I'm going out to register Kellin for online school. Can you take the
van? I'll take the small car." Rian turns to Cass.
"No problem, babe."
"So Lynn, have you decided whether you're going to Saint Andrews or doing
online school?" Ryan asks.
"Who does what?"
"Ashley, Gerard, Ash, Kellin, and Alex do online school. Ryan, Hayley, Brian,
Jack, William, Maxx, Tay, Patrick, and Awsten go to Saint Andrews." Cass
rattles off. "Honestly it depends on where you are in school and how fast you
can catch up. When's the last time you went to school?"
"Beginning of March."
"Well then you can totally go to Saint Andrews if you want! You could catch up
in a few weeks. It's great there, I promise." Brian, who's sitting on Lynn's
right side, says.
"Yeah, I'm a fast learner." Lynn adds. "I might go. I miss school."
"Well if you decide to, dad and I can take you to register on Monday when we
take all the other kids to school."
"You know, I think I'll go," Lynn says, surprisingly excited.
"Great! Another for the team!" Cheers Awsten.
"We'll have to get you a uniform today, then." Cass says. "It's required," She
says in response to Lynn's puzzled expression.
"I can show you mine," says Tay. "They're actually not bad."
Lynn nods, her mouth full of tea.
"Lynn, sweetie, do you want to try to eat a little more?" Rian asks, obviously
noticing the half piece of dry toast still left on Lynn's plate.
A guilty, disgusting feeling settles in Lynn's stomach. They must've read about
her problems in her file. Damn. She was hoping to keep at least one thing a
secret.
"I'm not hungry."
Gerard shoots Patrick a look from across the table. Jack and William exchange
glances, while Ryan looks down and plays with what's left of his oatmeal.
"Sorry, did I say something bad?" Lynn says immediately, not knowing if she did
something wrong.
"No," Patrick speaks up.
"It's just, we understand where you're coming from," William says. "Me, Ryan,
and Jack have been diagnosed with anorexia. 'Course, I think I'm fine."
"Bull. Shit." Jack says, shooting William a look that could kill.
"Jack Bassam! Watch your language around Leah." Cass scolds.
"I'm anorexic and bulimic." Gerard adds.
"Bulimic." Patrick says.
"Recovering anorexic," Hayley says. "Two years free of behaviors, by the way."
She takes a mock bow. Applause is scattered around the table.
"I'm not--I don't have an eating disorder," Lynn defends.
Rian and Cass exchange looks. After that, no one says much.
***
Lynn, Ashley, Leah, and Cass pile into a sliver SUV after breakfast and morning
chores are over. Jess drives them to the local mall, which is only about 10
minutes away.
Lynn and Ashley spend the car ride getting to know each other and playing with
Leah, who's managed to learn Lynn's name. Lynn learns Ashley was kicked out of
her home after getting pregnant with Leah almost 2 years ago. Leah is short for
Azalea, and she's a year old. Her birthday is around the same time as Lynn's.
They start with clothes, first heading to the uniform shop. Lynn gets two gray
skirts, two white button downs, a red plaid tie, a red sweater vest with the
Saint Andrews crest on it, and a red sweater with the crest as well. She looks
like a proper prep school kid in them. Well, except the nose piercing and the
half shaved head.
From there they head to more fun clothing stores, where Lynn gets a whole new
wardrobe, most of it black. She's also allowed shoes and accessories. She's
never had this much freedom with what she wears. She tries on article after
article of clothing, coming out of the dressing room and modeling for Leah,
Cass, and Ashley. She hasn't had this much fun in a long time.
After a lunch at the food court (Lynn almost finishes her salad, a small
victory,) they head to shop for more practical things. She gets bedding and
pillows, a backpack, Ashley gets diapers for Leah, and Cass even registers her
phone with the family's plan.
As they drive home, the car filled with bulging shopping bags, Lynn genuinely
smiles. She feels like a normal teenager for the first time in a long time.
***
Of course, a day that good can't be expected to last.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warning again, this time for self harm and suicidal thoughts
     and ED behaviors/thoughts. I don't go into detail, but I still
     thought I should warn y'all. Stay safe.
     -xoalex
They arrive home to mayhem.
Alex locked himself in the bathroom with a stolen kitchen knife, and while Rian
was trying to pry the door open before he could do serious damage, Patrick
snuck off to purge his lunch. Michael was called immediately, and now the kids
are sitting in a giant circle in the common, Alex's arm bandaged, Patrick still
shaking.
"So I'm going to start off with the obvious question. Alex, why? You've been
clean for nearly two months." Michael leans forward, his head tilted towards
Alex.
"I've felt like shit lately. The voices are getting worse and the meds Dr.
Walston gave me aren't helping, but every time I see her I just lie and say I'm
fine. They're telling me to just end it, that I'm a worthless piece of shit, no
wonder my parents abandoned me."
"Schizophrenia is hard to treat sometimes, Alex. But I'm going to start by
encouraging you to be honest with Dr. Walston. She can help, she can adjust
your meds or change them if need be. And you know I have to report this to her,
right?" Michael asks.
"I know. That's the worst part, in my opinion. I don't want the fucking meds. I
just want everything to go away. I don't want to feel like that crazy homeless
man on the street that talks to himself. The one every mother pulls her child
closer when they pass. Because right now, that's what I feel like. I can barely
tell what's real and what's not anymore and it's fucking killing me." Alex
finishes with a sob.
Jack puts a comforting arm around Alex.
"Like I said, I'm going to encourage you to be more honest with your
psychiatrist. Medicine can be a crucial part of your treatment. Along with
that, I'd encourage you to talk more about those feelings in our one-on-ones.
Meds can stop the voices, but not the feelings. You need to get those out."
Alex nods, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
"Patrick." Michael continues. "What was going on for you at the time?"
"I'd been doing well with purging these last couple days but it just got too
much. I ate way too much at lunch and the feeling of overfullness was just
there, reminding me what a disgusting fatass I am. It felt like I'd binged, so
in my mind, the most logical thing to do was purge."
Lynn is almost shocked at how honest everyone's being. She couldn't imagine
spilling her guts to a group this big. Especially with a new person there.
"I want you to challenge those feelings of needing to purge after a binge. I'm
just being real with you, you're going to binge at times in your life. I mean,
holidays like thanksgiving and Christmas even encourage it. But that doesn't
mean you need to punish yourself. You'll slip up. That's okay."
"It's just so deeply ingrained in my mind that binging equals purging. I don't
know how to break that cycle." Patrick hangs his head. "It's fucking
impossible."
"Those are the exact thoughts I want you to challenge, Patrick. It's not
impossible. It has been done before. Every time you don't purge, your creating
a new connection in your brain. Did you try any coping skills before purging?"
"Dad was so busy with Alex I didn't want to interrupt him, and mom wasn't home.
I tried talking to Pete but I hate burdening him like that."
"Again, I want you to challenge the thoughts that you're a burden. People are
here to help. Pete's your boyfriend; he cares about you. And I understand it
was hard with Rian busy, but that's why you have my number, okay? And all your
other coping skills."
"Coping skills don't fucking work, okay?" Patrick shouts, standing up from his
chair. "It's bullshit! Every therapist thinks it's as easy as challenging some
thoughts and squeezing a goddamn stress ball. It's not! It's fucking hell on
earth! Fuck you!" He stomps out of the room.
"Fuck you, you lazy bitch."
"Lynn? Are you okay?"
Crack.The belt lands across her thighs this time.
"Lynn?"
"Everyone out. She's having a flashback."
"Stop! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll be better next time, I promise!"
"Lynn, can you hear me? This is Michael. You're here with me, you're safe."
"Worthless piece of shit." Crack.
"I'm sorry!" She sobs.
Blood.
"Lynn, this is Michael. You're safe. You're at your foster home. It's just me
and you here, you're safe."
Tears splash on the cold linoleum floor.
"Lynn, can you hear me? It's Michael. You're safe, you're at Cass and Rian's
house."
This isn't real.
"Lynn? Nod if you can hear me."
Lynn nods.
"Do you know any grounding techniques? Anything particular that helps?" Michael
asks.
Lynn shakes her head.
"Okay, I want you to open your eyes. Can you do that?"
Lynn opens her eyes.
"Now I want you to count everything green in the room."
Green circles on the rug, green grass in the painting, green stripes on
Michael's tie, green light flashing on the computer.
"Four, that I can see."
"Good. Now I want you to count all the brown things in the room."
Michael's hair. Her own hair. Michael's eyes. Parts of the rug. The tree in the
painting. The pillow on the couch. The desk chair. The coffee table. The stain
on the coffee table. The bottoms of her shoes.
"Ten."
"Good. Now take a deep breath with me."
In, out.
"Good. Now feel the chair. Feel your feet on the floor. Feel your lungs filling
with air. You're safe. No one can hurt you here."
Surprisingly, Lynn starts to calm down.
"Can you tell me what triggered you?"
"Patrick yelling. I hate yelling. My--" deep breath. "My biological dad used to
do it all the time."
"Do you mind if we bring the other kids back in? You can process your
flashback, if you want."
Lynn nods. She knows she won't process anything. Not with all the other kids
there.
Michael opens the door to the living room. Patrick is the first in, tears
streaked down his cheeks. "Lynn, I'm so sorry if I triggered you, I just got so
angry..." he sighs. "I need to learn to control myself."
"You're fine." The last thing Lynn wants is for him to feel guilty for her
weakness.
After everyone sits down, Michael starts to talk again. "Lynn, why don't we
start with you? Don't go into detail as it might trigger someone, but can you
tell us a little about your flashback? I'm sure everyone's worried."
"Do I have to?"
"I'd prefer if you did, yes. It's for your own benefit."
Lynn sighs. "Fine. I had to feel my dad beating me again. I'm fine. I'm not a
fucking pussy."
"Lynn, flashbacks don't make you weak. They're a common thing with people who
have PTSD."
"I don't have PTSD."
Lynn sits in silence for the rest of the session. She hates being vulnerable.
Vulnerability is weak. And she's not weak.
 
 
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     HUGE trigger warning y'all. The kids talk about their issues.
"Lynn, you need to eat something."
"'Trick, please watch your pace."
"Gee, please, at least half the meatloaf."
"Ryan, that's microbiting. Please try for bigger bites."
"Bilvy, you've been asked not to squish your bread."
"Jack, please take another bite."
It's a chorus of corrections at the dinner table. Apparently everyone's
struggling tonight. Even Hayley seems to be having some trouble. Cass and Rian
are trying their hardest to keep their eyes on all the kids, but with 15,
that's not very easy.
Lynn feels like crying. She's faced with a plate of meatloaf, mashed potatoes,
and green beans with butter, but all she sees 1,100 calories. That's more than
she needs in a day, and this is just one meal.
Before anyone can say another word Lynn is crying into her mashed potatoes and
Patrick's running to the bathroom. Rian chases after him, while Gerard stuffs
his fingers in his ears to block out the sound of purging.
Fuck, it is not a good day.
***

"Patrick, buddy, hey." Rian stands in front of the bathroom door, blocking
Patrick's path. "Tell me what's going on."
Patrick shakes his head and sinks to the floor.
"'Trick, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Fair point," Rian says. "But I can listen. And maybe getting it all out will
help. I know you're overwhelmed right now. Everyone's having a hard night, and
it's especially hard on you guys because you have to watch each other struggle
at the table."
"I deserve it." Patrick says in a small voice. "You know last time I purged, it
was all blood? And I felt better. Like I'm finally doing something right.
Punishing myself correctly."
"But you don't deserve to be punished. You're not inherently bad, Patrick. I
know that's how you feel, but you aren't. You don't deserve this. None of you
kids do."
"Yes I fucking do! I'm a horrible person, I've done horrible things, I deserve
pain and punishment." Patrick breaks down crying.
"Can I touch you?" Rian asks, moving away from the bathroom door frame.
Patrick nods. Rian bends down and hugs him.
"You're gonna be alright, 'Trick, you'll be alright."
***
"Talk to me, Lynn." Cassadee's moved seats, sitting directly next to Lynn who
continues to bawl.
Ryan's taken out his cell phone and is on the phone with Brendon, Alex is
rubbing Jack's back, William and Gerard are talking in hushed voices. The rest
of the kids have put down their silverware, and are mostly huddled in groups,
talking about what a messed up day it's been.
"I can't." Lynn answers.
"You just did," Cass says, teasing.
"Ha ha. I mean I can't tell you what's going on. Clearly you know, it's in my
file."
"Yes, but I want to know what's going on, Not what your diagnosis is. I know
your diagnosis. I know your symptoms. Now tell me what's wrong. You did so well
at lunch."
"I had a flashback," Lynn admits. "And it made me feel like shit. Just reminded
me how awful I am."
"Hey. I don't know you yet, but I know you're not awful. I know it's hard.
Believe it or not, I dealt with anorexia in my teens. It's the hardest thing
you'll ever have to fight. But you can do it." Cassadee smiles. "Now can you
please try a bite of your food?"
Lynn picks up her fork and hesitantly stabs into a green bean. She's shaking as
she brings it to her mouth.
"Good. Now just do that a few more times and you'll be golden." Cass praises.
"I don't expect you to finish. If you can at least finish the veggies, and make
a dent in the meatloaf, I'll be happy.
Just then, Rian returns with a shaky and red-faced Patrick. "A victory," he
announces, to scattered applause around the table.
Lynn even manages to finish half the potatoes.
***
"Med time, everyone!" Cassadee calls from her and Rian's bathroom as she
unlocks the med cabinet. A handful of kids scurry into the room. "Line up,
guys."
After everyone meds have been distributed and she's checked under every tongue,
showers begin. The house prepares itself for bed.
***
"I-I-I-I just fe-feel like the voices are getting worse-worse-worse." Kellin
confesses to Awsten at 2:35am. "And I ca-can't even leave the hou-hou-house
anymore, I'm so anxious. I think every-everyone's out to g-get me. Th-th-that's
what th-they tell me, a-a-at least."
"I feel that," Awsten replies. "My anxiety's gotten to the point where I'm even
anxious around Geoff, and he used to be my safe haven. I just feel like I'm not
good enough for him." Awsten sighs. "And to make things worse, my meds aren't
helping me sleep at all. I see him in every one of my nightmares. He's doing it
to me again and God, Kells, it hurts so bad. I was fucking five, for Christ's
sake. He was supposed to be my father." He says bitterly.
***
On, off, on, off, on, off. Ash flicks the lights. Six. A good number. Divisible
by three and two. She takes six steps back to her bed, pauses, looks back, and
takes another three steps. Nine steps from the light to her bed.
"Ash, I'm getting worried," Hayley admits. "Your rituals are getting worse."
"I'm fine. They keep me safe." Ash blinks one, two, three times, then shuts her
eyes for good. It's 3:36am. She can go to bed right now.

"And I'm disassociating more," Hayley continues. "My new meds help a little,
but I still black out when I think about the last home. I just don't know
anymore."
"Hayley, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but please be quiet. It's the
last good number until 6:33am."
"Ashley! This is what I mean!"

***
"He'd beat me over everything. If I spilled a glass of water. If I got an A
minus. If I said 'yes' instead of 'yes sir.'"
"I know what you mean. My mother was the same way. One time I was sitting in
the kitchen, minding my own business, and she got so pissed at me she grabbed
my head and pulled. She ripped my earring out. I just remember it bleeding
everywhere." Tay sniffles.
"It's okay, Tay. You're here now." Lynn consoles.
"Yeah, I know. It's good here. It's been years I've been away. But still, she's
in all my nightmares and my flashbacks and she's there every time I close my
eyes. She once slapped me for moving too much. Like it was my fault I have
ADHD."
"My dad beat me once because my mom talked back to him. He said it was my
fault."
"God, Lynn, I'm so sorry."
***
"They don't get it, Jack, do they? We just can't eat. It's because I'm too fat
and you don't see how skinny you are."
"Bill, you know how hypocritical that is? I'm the fat one. You don't see how
small you are."
William smiles in the dark. "Complete bull, dude. You're tiny."
"I wish I had your legs. Mine are huge."
"Please! I wish I had your hipbones. You can barely see mine."
"Are you fucking blind, man? Yours stick out more than mine."
They go on like this, comparing every part of their body into the early hours
of the morning.
 
***
"Saint Andrews is great. You'll love it," Tay promises as Lynn struggles to tie
her tie.
"I've actually missed regular school. It was home home away from home, y'know?
Not that you can really call where I was living a home "
"Yeah, I know. It was like that for me too. That's why I opted for Saint
Andrews instead of homeschooling. But certain kids have to be homeschooled.
Kellin can't go out in public yet, Ashley has Leah, and Gerard misses two years
of school and has to catch up."
"School time!" Cass calls from downstairs, signaling the end of Lynn and Tay's
conversation.
The Saint Andrews kids all pile into the family's white van, which is the only
car big enough for all of them. Cass and Awsten happily chat in the front seat
about some date Awsten has tomorrow, with a boy named Geoff. The kids seem
pretty open about their relationships. It's refreshing.
Once they arrive at school, Cass leads Lynn to the registration office while
the other kids head up the stairs to their classes. The office is a small room,
painted tan, with a small model of a fountain on the desk. Lynn stares at is as
the water flows out of its tiny spouts.
"Lynn?" Lynn snaps her head up.
"Can you sign here, please?" Cassadee points to a spot on the paper.
Lynn signs, then goes back to staring at the miniature fountain. She's trying
to calm herself down, but her heartbeat won't slow. She's excited for school,
but still, she hates being the new kid. Especially the new kid that happens to
live in a group home. 
The receptionist goes to the printer, then walks over to Lynn and hands her a
piece of paper. "This is your schedule," she says with a smile. 
AP Lit.- Mr. Hurley, Rm. 118
AP Cal.- Mr. Toro, Rm. 322
break
AP Phys.- Mr. Trohman, Rm. 108
APUSH- Ms. Ballato, Rm. 304
lunch
free
German- Ms. Costanza, Rm. 324
Not bad. Basically the schedule she had at her old school, with things moved
around a bit. 
"I'll see you after school, Lynn. If you can't find a class, I'm sure one of
the other kids can show you where to go." and with that, Cassadee's off,
leaving Lynn standing in the hall alone. 
She heads to her first class, room 118. She keeps her eyes on the ground, hands
clasped on her schedule. Room 118. Room 118. 
She gets there in about a minute and a half. Not that she was counting or
anything. She enters the class with hesitation. 
"Lynn!" whisper-shouts Hayley from across the room. 
"Miss Dawson," the teacher--Mr. Hurley-- warns.
"Miss..." he prompts, turning to Lynn.
"Gun-er, it'd be down as Dawson."
"Another one?" a boy in the front row whispers. Lynn shrinks back. It's not her
damn fault she was chosen to be with a family with too many kids to count.
"You'll sit there," Mr. Hurley points to a seat in the front row.
 
Great. Just what she needs.  
 
 
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     This is where I start switching POVs. I figure y'all probably wanna
     hear from someone except Lynn.
"Awsten?" Geoff asks for the second time.
"Yeah?" Awsten snaps his head up.
"You were asleep again."
"Dammit! It's the fucking nightmares." Awsten pushes his hair back and rubs his
eyes. "Did I miss anything important?"
"Ballato said we have a test Wednesday," Geoff supplies.
Awsten swears under his breath. "I can't keep falling asleep like this. I'm
going to fail my classes."
"Awsten! Geoff! Quiet!" Ms. Ballato snaps from the front of the room.
Awsten puts his head down again. It's going to be a long day.
***
Geoff keeps his arm around Awsten as they walk to second period. He knows
Awsten needs it. While they've never talked about exactly what Awsten's
nightmares are about, Geoff can only guess they must be terrifying to keep him
up for nights on end.
"Fucking fags," someone mutters as they pass. Awsten's too tired to care. Geoff
takes his arm down, and they walk the rest of the way to second period with a
clear foot of distance between them.
***
Awsten falls asleep in second period too. It's too difficult to keep his head
up, let alone be able to focus and pay attention to the teacher. He knows his
grades are dropping, but he can't be bothered to care. He's too tired.
He knows he should probably talk to his psychiatrist about this, but again, he
can't be bothered. He's too depressed to be bothered by much of anything
nowadays.
"Awsten?" His teacher's probably asking him to answer a question, but he's
completely lost.
"Sorry, what?"
"I asked you to read number four."
Awsten scans the page. "If the angle above is 144 degrees, what is the
corresponding fraction and radiant?" He puts his head down again, soon falling
back asleep.
***
Geoff has never been more worried about Awsten. He's walking along like a
zombie, barely living, only surviving. Geoff knows it's because he isn't
sleeping, but he can't fix that. He can't take the nightmares away.
"Babe, I'm worried about you." As they walk to lunch together he finally voices
his concerns.
"Why? I'm fine." Awsten snaps, immediately defensive.
"You're clearly not. You haven't been sleeping."
"Fine," Awsten whispers, his voice deadly quiet. "You wanna know the problem? I
relive my trauma every single fucking night. I feel my own goddamn father
raping me. I'm 5 again, and I can't stop him." Tears are beginning to leak out
of the corners of Awsten's eyes.
Geoff is at a loss for words. How do you respond to something like that? He
puts his arm around his boyfriend. "Why don't we go somewhere quiet for lunch
today? I'm sure everyone'll understand."
Awsten nods. He needs to be alone with Geoff now. He needs quiet to balance out
the noise in his head.
***
"Lynn, this is everyone." Tay gestures around the circle. "Taylor, Hayley's
boyfriend, Alex, Zack, Jack's boyfriend, Gabe, Cody, Maxx's boyfriend, Jenna,
my lovely girlfriend, and Pete, Patrick's boyfriend. And obviously you know
everyone else. Sorry Awsten and Geoff aren't here. I don't know where those two
go."
Lynn waves. There's a lot of people here, but she honestly doesn't mind.
Everyone seems nice. And it's definitely cool to meet everyone's boyfriends.
(And Tay's girlfriend).
 
She spends most of lunch laughing, something completely refreshing. It's been
too long.
***
Awsten hums, his face pressed against Geoff's chest as they stare at the
clouds.
"You okay?" Geoff asks, running his hands through Awsten's hair.
"Mmhm." Awsten's voice vibrates against Geoff's chest. "Are you?"
Geoff doesn't know what to say. The last thing he wants is to burden Awsten
with his problems. "I guess," he says, not looking his boyfriend in the eyes.
"Things are kinda getting bad again. I want to get better, but it's so damn
hard."
"Have you considered therapy?"
Geoff laughs. "I am not going to therapy. I don't really even have a problem."
"Don't laugh, im serious! It really helps. And you do have a problem, babe,
you're skin and bones." 
"I'm not sick. I'm not."
"And I'm not either," Awsten laughs.
"I'm fucking not." Geoff almost snaps. "I just... I don't... I don't know."
"You are though, and it fucking kills me. I love you, you know that?"
"I know. I love you too."
***** An Update *****
Hey guys,
 
long time no see here, huh? I'm sorry, I just got out of the hospital for
another attempt. So I really don't know if I can keep working on this fic right
now. It's incredibly triggering, and I really am trying to get better.
 
Sorry, everyone. One hold for now.
 
xoalex
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