Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7483524.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Original_Female_Character(s), James_Potter/Lily_Evans_Potter
  Character:
      Sirius_Black, Original_Female_Character, Lily_Evans_Potter, Regulus
      Black, Walburga_Black, James_Potter, Remus_Lupin, Narcissa_Black_Malfoy,
      Lucius_Malfoy, Bellatrix_Black_Lestrange, Andromeda_Black_Tonks
  Additional Tags:
      Emotional_Abuse, Dark, Physical_Abuse, trigger_warning, Sexual_Abuse,
      Magically_Forced_Conception, Underage_Characters, Recovery
  Series:
      Part 1 of The_Star-Child_Universe
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-07-14 Updated: 2016-12-16 Chapters: 3/? Words: 13949
****** Flowers of Flesh, Blood and Stardust ******
by misakikinomoto
Summary
     Astrid Arundell has been engaged to Sirius Black from the moment she
     was born. Which is why it’s rather unfortunate that the two just
     cannot get along. Ever since they stepped foot in Hogwarts in their
     first year, and Sirius was sorted in Gryffindor while she was sent to
     Ravenclaw, their already shaky companionship shattered.
     Five years later, when Sirius runs away from home, Walburga Black
     decides to force her son to return the only way she knows how. A
     shaken and now pregnant Astrid finds herself forced to make a choice-
     a choice she knew she would eventually have to make. And once she
     makes it, all the cards begin to fall down.
Notes
     Hey guys,
     This is a fic I started a while back. I know I haven't been too
     active, but I really have not had the time. I'm currently in my
     second year of my MBA, and I will probably only get busier till I
     graduate. I am writing on the side, but editing and typing has not
     been happening.
     This fic was written back when I was going through a particularly
     dark point in my head space, and well. You will see the outcome of
     that. Due to how dark this fic is, I am struggling to write it when I
     am in a normal headspace, so I don't think you can really expect
     regular updates till I manage to get to the lighter part of the fic
     where the recovery actually begins.
     I hope you like the fic because I know it may not be everyone's cup
     of tea. Its increadibly dark, more than a little non-con. And I
     personally felt like it fit considering the time period the fic is
     set in and the looming war ahead.
     The fic is set in their sixth year, and may actually proceed to what
     happens after the pregnancy and the war itself. I let the fic create
     itself, so I'm not too sure on that front. There may be occasional
     side stories every now and then if I feel up to it.
     Additionally, I have a number of mixes for the characters involved in
     the fic that have been up for some time on my 8tracks account: http:/
     /8tracks.com/holding-out-for-a-hero/collections/the-star-child-
     universe
     Anyway, I hope you like it and look forward to seeing what you guys
     think!
***** July, 1976 *****
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” said the older woman, cleaning the young girl up,
“Astrid, it may be just a meeting for you, but you could at least try to look
presentable.
The young girl shrugged disinterestedly. Her name was Astrid Arundell. She was
a 16 year old witch, and she was incredibly bored and annoyed with her mother.
And Sirius Flipping Black.
Don’t even get her started on that boy.
She barely managed to contain her fury as she followed her mother into the
Black home, shuddering briefly at the memories she had of this place. No matter
how many times she had come here, having grown up here for the better part of
her life, nothing could prepare her for the darkness the home radiated.
It wasn’t just darkness she could feel, but sadness, pain and suffering.
“Astrid,” said a deceptively warm voice, and she turned, her eyes meeting the
dark eyes of Walburga Black.
Astrid painted a polite smile on her face as she greeted the older woman, but
was dreading this entire meeting.
Walburga had always blamed Astrid for everything her son did, and made sure she
knew it..
In the beginning, Astrid had believed her, had tried to tell Black that he
shouldn’t do certain things.
Instead of listening, Black had laughed at her, hexed her and left her behind.
Left her in the hands of his obviously deranged and abusive mother.
She pulled away from her thoughts of pain and hatred, and watched as her mother
left the room. She was under no delusion that her mother loved her. She was
merely a tool for her accession in the ranks of pureblood society. Her marriage
to Black would assure her mother of a continuous supply of money and fame while
the Blacks would finally be linked to the Arundell family, a family whose
nobility had been a wet dream of every pureblood mother.
“As you’re well aware, Astrid,” said Walburga, a cruel smile forming on her
face. “Sirius has run away from home. And I know the perfect way to keep him in
line.”
Astrid opened her mouth to say something, but all that came was a scream before
everything faded to black.
===============================================================================

Astrid opened her eyes, absolutely confused and terrified. She panicked for a
moment in the unfamiliar room before realizing it was the Hospital Ward.
“Ah, Ms. Arundell,” said a calm, kind voice, “I see you’re finally awake.”
"Professor?" she said, shakily. Her voice seemed weird. "What am I doing at
school?"
"Mister Regulus Black happened to find you in his house and immediately brought
you here. Can you tell us what exactly happened, Ms. Arundell?" Professor
Dumbledore said kindly, smiling at the younger woman. However, the concerned
look on his face made her feel incredibly uncomfortable.
What exactly had Walburga done?
"Is Reg ok?" she asked instead worried that the younger boy would be forced to
face Walburga's rage.
“I’m sure he’s alright,” said Dumbledore, patiently.
Astrid looked at her hands, unsure how to tell the Headmaster what exactly had
happened.
“Where do you want me to start, Professor? Its a longer story than you think,”
she said quietly, glancing up at the older man to see concern and worry flicker
on his face.
“Start wherever you are comfortable starting. Madam Pomfrey is on her way, so
we have some time.”
Astrid looked back at her hands.
“Then I’ll try to make it as concise as possible. I’ve been betrothed to Sirius
Black since I was born. I am an asset to the Black family and it ensures that
my mother has access to their money. However, neither Black nor I are
interested in getting married. Black has continuously defied his mother, and
instead of facing the consequences, he escapes. I’m always the person who has
to deal with the consequences of his action.”
Dumbledore looked confused, and then horrified at what she was alluded to.
“In short, I was punished for every time he stepped out of line. Of course, he
has no idea, and I’d like to keep it that way. Since Sirius has escaped his
mother’s grip now, she saw fit to do whatever it is she did to me.”
“Miss Arundell, as you saying your mother...left you with this woman?”
Astrid shrugged.
“Its nothing new.”
There was a brief silence, before Dumbledore sighed.
“What was the last thing you remember her saying?”
Astrid frowned slightly. “Sirius has run away from home. And I know the perfect
way to keep him in line. I have no clue what that means though.”
Just as she said that, Madam Pomfrey burst in, still in her normal clothes.
Evidently, she had been called back to Hogwarts much earlier than expected.
“Headmaster? What’s…” she started, before looking at Astrid. Astrid had no clue
what she looked like, but there was a horrified look on her face as she looked
at her, and she couldn’t help the attempt at making herself smaller.
“Oh, Ms. Arundell, what’s happened?”
Pomfrey was more worried when both the Headmaster and the girl said they
weren’t sure what had happened, and she brandished her wand, dread filling her
gut as she looked at the girl.
Astrid sat quietly, not reacting as Pomfrey did her preliminary checks.
“I...I have no idea what’s happened. All I can tell is that some very dark
magic has been cast.”
Astrid looked up, her calm facade slowly cracking.
“Am I...Am I going to die?”
Pomfrey hurriedly assured her that no, she was not going to die because of
whatever Walburga Black had done.
“Oh god,” said Astrid, suddenly covering her mouth as she heaved. Pomfrey
immediately conjured a pail for her to puke in.
“Oh dear,” said Pomfrey, glancing worriedly at the Headmaster.
“How many tests would you need to do, Madam Pomfrey?”
“In all honesty, Headmaster, since we have no clue what curse has been cast, I
have no idea.”
Astrid was about to heave again when a large barn owl flew into the Hospital
Wing through the open window. It dropped a letter into Dumbledore’s waiting
hands.
“That’s Reg’s owl,” said Astrid, shakily as she continued to puke her guts out.
Headmaster,
I’m sure Astrid is already safe with you, and unfortunately, this is the last
thing I can do to ensure Astrid’s safety. Sirius has left our household, and it
has gotten to the point that my mother has blasted his name off the family
tree. However, Astrid has always been expected to keep my wandering brother in
line, and my mother decided to punish her in a way that would- in her eyes-
make Sirius see the light and come back home, and hopefully marry Astrid.
Astrid, your mother will probably be sending you a letter as well, and it is
going to tell you that you are expected to come home with Sirius, or not at
all.
My mother decided that making Astrid pregnant would mean that Sirius would come
back home, and since Astrid and Sirius coming within 5 feet of each other
without fighting is a miracle, she resorted to desperate measures.
You’ll find that my mother had placed a very dark...curse, of sorts, on Astrid,
using Sirius’ hair and ensuring that any pregnancy detection spell would say
that Sirius is the father. I am not privy to the details, and in giving you
these details, I am risking quite a lot, but this is not at all fair to Astrid,
and I wanted to make sure she was safe with you.
Please take care of her, and tell her that I am very sorry we couldn’t stop
this from happening. I’ve already sent a letter to Andy informing her of what
has happened as well as your Grandmother.
Regulus.
Astrid stared at Dumbledore’s face in horror, while Pomfrey gasped when she
realized what the woman had done.
With shaky hands, Pomfrey raised her wand.
“Repertum Gravida,” she said, and Astrid let out a sob as she saw the words
form.
Detection of pregnancy: positive.
“Paternitus,” she whispered, and Astrid couldn’t help the tears flowing down
her face as the names formed over her stomach.
2 Parents. Mother: Astrid Arundell. Father: Sirius Black.
Neither adult could move towards her as she broke down, sobbing in frustration.
 
===============================================================================
 
“Miss Arundell, you have to tell him,” said McGonagall, who had come in the
moment she heard that there was a possible disaster happening in Hogwarts.
“With all due respect, Professor, I’d really rather not. Isn’t there a second
option?” said Astrid. Her voice was hoarse from crying and her eyes were puffy,
but beyond that, you couldn’t really tell that something was wrong.
McGonagall sighed.
“Surely there is someone you trust, Astrid,” she said, not unkindly. She
probably knew exactly what Astrid went through, but she never asked because she
never wanted to make Astrid voice out what she didn’t want to.
Astrid was quiet, her eyes closed for a moment. Her mind was filled with a
smart, sassy redhead and a small smile formed on her face regardless of the
stress and the knowledge that this year was going to be horrible.
“Lily Evans. I trust Lily.”
McGonagall couldn’t suppress the surprised look on her face. Astrid not only
came from a very stereotypical, muggle-hating pureblood family, but spent most
of her time with Slytherins.
Astrid let out an amused, wry snort.
“I may hang out with muggle-hating purebloods, Professor, but that’s only to
keep up appearances. Lily and I have been friends since second year, and we’ve
been studying together for just as long.”
McGonagall smiled, because it made her hope that maybe there were other people
who were different too. Sometimes, when she watched her students, she couldn’t
help the sadness that filled her. They would all inevitably be forced into the
upcoming war with You-Know-Who, and to see someone who seemed like one of the
orthodox purebloods stand up and think for herself…
“We’ll have to make arrangements for you, of course. Given that Mister Black
has run away, I suppose the other purebloods will…” said McGonagall, looking up
at the girl with a sad look.
“Doesn’t help that I’m carrying his spawn,” she said, looking incredibly tired.
“I’d appreciate it if I could have a room of my own, away from everyone else.”
“I’ll make it so that Miss Evans has easy access to it,” said McGonagall,
unsure how she could help this little girl.
Astrid nodded, moving to get up, when McGonagall stopped her.
“Astrid,” she said, softly. “You know that you don’t have to do this alone,
right?”
Astrid smiled.
“But, Professor. I’m not going to be alone. I have Lily, right?” she said,
smiling, though it didn’t reach her eyes.
McGonagall nodded, even though that wasn’t at all what she had meant, and they
both knew it.
Astrid left the office, moving quietly towards the Kitchens. She would go and
sleep in the Hospital Wing, and with a small pang of sadness, she realized she
wouldn’t be able to ride the train this year.
As she tickled the pear, a tear slipped down her cheek and she realized that
she was truly alone now. She couldn’t pretend anymore, couldn’t hide behind her
pureblood status any longer.
She was alone, pregnant and she had no clue how to deal with any of this. She
sank to her knees inside the kitchen, shakily asking one of the elves for some
hot chocolate.
As the warm drink was pressed into her waiting hands, all she could do was say
two words without breaking down completely.
“Thank you.”
“Oh come on, Astrid,” said the other teen mockingly, grinning as she looked up
at him. “Aw, look! She reacts!”
Astrid just looked at Sirius blankly, refusing to give him the pleasure of
knowing how much she hated him right now.
“I heard my mother sent you another ‘token of her regards’, Astrid. What did
your kissass self do now?” he said, cackling.
Walburga’s ‘token of regard’ was basically a session of being crucio’d. Sirius
had gone and fought with the Slytherins, and naturally, Cissy had gone and
complained to her mother immediately.
Of course, Astrid couldn’t tell Sirius that. She didn’t know why, but she
couldn’t. She hated him so much, wanted him to hurt, to cry.
Sirius was still taunting her, but Astrid had learnt very early on to just
ignore the boy.
“Come on, Padfoot,” said Remus, quietly, looking at her apologetically. “Leave
her be. We have work to do.”
Astrid sent out a silent thanks to the other teen.
As they both moved away from her, she could hear Sirius’ voice reach her.
“Merlin, that’s the girl my mum wanted me to get married to? She’s a fucking
weirdo.”
Remus looked back at her, and the look of horror on his face when he realized
she could still hear them made her look back down at her book.
She could hear every single disparaging remark towards her until they were out
of sight, and she closed her eyes tightly to keep the tears from falling.
Astrid was still clutching the mug that used to be filled with hot chocolate.
The warmth had disappeared and she took deep breaths as she thought of what
happened after the entire scene. Lily had been watching the entire thing and
she had stormed up to Astrid, her flaming red hair looking like fire, as she
demanded as to why she allowed Sirius to treat her like shit.
Astrid had tried to explain to Lily how she really couldn’t do anything,
without telling her about how Walburga punished her. Naturally, that had been a
failure, and Lily had decided to protect her as much as she could without
alerting any of the other purebloods.
It had warmed her heart to realize that, regardless of everything, there was
one person in the castle who cared enough to do that for her.
Over the next year or so, she and Lily had become very close. She knew of her
history with Sirius, about the entire situation with her mum and even her
strained relationship with her grandmother.
It wasn’t that it was natural for her to depend on Lily in a situation like
this. It was that Lily was the only one Astrid had at this point.
She sighed to herself, handing the empty mug to a house elf and left the
kitchen to make her way back to the Hospital Wing.
She had known that eventually, Sirius would leave his family and run away.
Unlike him, she didn’t have that liberty. Or rather, she hadn’t had it back
then. Now her mother’s ultimatum meant that she had a means for escape.
She just wished that she didn’t have to let go of everything just to do that.
 
===============================================================================
 
It wasn’t long before the students came back from summer break, chattering away
like there wasn’t a war brewing beyond the castle walls.
Astrid watched them from her room in the west wing of the school. All the
students were happily chattering away, and she couldn’t help the annoyance
brewing inside her.
She turned around and made her way to her private common room, where she had
asked one of the elves to keep her food.
She didn’t feel like going down and facing...the other purebloods. She wasn’t
yet strong enough to do that, wasn’t yet in a state to deal with them after the
shock of the pregnancy. McGonagall and Dumbledore had already told her that
they would bring Lily to her so she didn’t have to leave the room without
someone to help her out in general.
It had been barely three days since she came here, and her mother had sent her
multiple howlers in an attempt to get her to “reconcile” with Sirius, though
Astrid made no attempt to even respond to them.
The final correspondence had come this morning. It was a simple letter telling
Astrid that if she did not respond to this letter with a statement that she
would do as she was told, she would be disowned as well.
Astrid stared at the food, not particularly hungry at all. She had always known
this would end up happening, but she couldn't help but think- was she really
that disposable? Didn’t her mother love her at all?
She snorted. Her mother, as her grandmother always said, was a money-hungry
gold digger of the first order. Nothing was more important to her than money.
Not anymore, at least.
“Astrid!” came a voice, and she turned, smiling slightly as she took in the
sight of the redhead at the portrait hole.
“Lily,” she said getting up and letting the girl hug her.
“McGonagall just told me what happened. Why didn’t you tell me that horrid
woman was doing this stuff to you? You should have stayed with me!”
Astrid let out a shake laugh that was more sad than amused.
“I...I didn’t know that was an option,” she said, quietly.
Lily pulled back, looking so angry for a moment that Astrid was about to take a
step back.
“I don’t know which Lily you’ve been friends with all this time, but I expect
my best friend to actually tell me when shit is happening so I can help her!”
“Now, Ms. Evans. I’m sure Ms. Arundell would have told you if she could,” said
McGonagall’s voice from the portrait hole. “If you’re both okay with it, I can
shift you here so you’re both together.”
Astrid knew she looked really hopeful, so she tried to suppress the hope.
“Of course, Professor! I can’t leave her here alone!”
Astrid opened her mouth to tell Lily she didn’t have to do this, but the look
Lily leveled at her made her close her mouth immediately. Lily was going to do
this regardless of what she thought.
When McGonagall left the room quietly, Lily turned towards Astrid, reaching out
slowly to touch her cheek gently.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Astrid,” she said, moving closer to her.
Astrid flinched slightly and Lily immediately shifted back.
“Sorry,” said Astrid, tears filling her eyes.
“No,” said Lily, shaking her head. “I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed. I would
have tried to stop it, you could have stayed with me. You don’t have to go
through this alone.”
Astrid blinked as she vaguely remembered McGonagall’s words.
“I...I’m not alone anymore, right?” Astrid said, shakily. “That’s all that
matters?”
Lily smiled, and Astrid moved forward to hug her tightly.
“We’re going to figure this out, Astrid. Don’t worry.”
Astrid couldn’t help but love Lily for not even asking her if she wanted to
tell Sirius.
“But I only want one thing, okay? Astrid, I need you to tell me if something
like this happens again. Best friends tell each other things.”
Astrid nodded, a small smile on her face.
“I...I’m not used to having an actual friend, so it’ll be hard sometimes. But
I’ll try.”
“What about those Slytherins?” asked Lily, frowning.
“Other than Reg and Andy, I don’t really think what we had was friendship.”
Lily looked so sad for a moment that Astrid opened her mouth to apologize.
“Don’t apologize for something you haven’t done. Stop saying sorry,” said Lily,
though her eyes blazed with temper. “I swear to god, if I could get my hands on
that woman, I would tear her apart.”
“My mother told me that unless I come home with Sirius, I can’t come home at
all,” Astrid said, and Lily’s eyes widened slightly.
“How could she…? Wait, does...does Black know what his mother does to you?”
Astrid snorted.
“Of course not. That boy can’t see anything beyond his own ego and inflated
self-worth. And in all honesty, I don’t want to...I don’t want to see what
would happen if he did know.”
Lily sighed, her face suddenly infinitely sad.
“I wish this didn’t happen to you,” she said quietly. “But it has, and I’ll do
everything I can to help you and the little Star Child.”
Astrid couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of her and Lily smiled,
relieved as she saw what was the first time Astrid had felt this light in
weeks.
 
===============================================================================
 
“Astrid? Are you ready?” Lily called from their common room, already ready for
breakfast.
“Do I have to go?” she whined back, even though she was ready as well.
“You can’t hide here forever, Astrid. Come on, you can sit with me,” she said,
smiling, but Astrid still didn’t look convinced.
“I...I don’t know if your old roomies would be okay with that…”
“Oh, they can go fuck themselves. Didn’t like them much, in all honesty. I
prefer people with substance.”
Astrid snorted, tucking her brown hair behind her ear.
“Okay,” she said, softly and allowed Lily to take her by her hand and guide her
to the Great Hall.
“Have you figured out what you can’t eat?” Lily asked, softly. Astrid was
roughly two to three weeks along and her nausea hadn’t yet started.
“Well, apparently its a bit early for my morning sickness to start at all,
according to Pomfrey. It should start soon though.”
Lily nodded. They walked into the Great Hall and everything was silent. Astrid
didn’t stop, and Lily couldn’t help but feel amazed at how easily she walked
without even looking at anyone but Lily.
“You okay?” she whispered, worried.
“I’m fine,” Astrid said, smiling weakly.
“Blood traitor. Of course you’d follow that pathetic Black,” hissed one of the
Ravenclaws, and Astrid’s lips curled into a smirk.
“Why thank you, Phillip. How’s your mother? I heard she ran off with a muggle-
born?” she said, cheerfully and the boy immediately shut up, resorting to
glaring at her.
Lily pulled her to an empty seat, but looked like she was trying her hardest
not to laugh.
“What?” said Astrid, quietly. “Why are you laughing?”
“Its just...you handled that so well.”
Astrid shrugged. “Its quite normal. Keeping up with what everyone’s families
are up to helps keep them in line and makes them leave me alone. Its usually
easier with the Slytherins since we’ve all been around each other for so long.”
“But you can’t do the same to Black?” said Lily softly.
Astrid gave her a small, shaky smile.
“Its not the same there.”
Lily frowned, but wisely said nothing. Sirius Black was not something Astrid
liked talking about. She could fight with him, but the anguish on her face
after was heartbreaking at best.
“Lily-flower!” called a voice, and Lily let out a groan as James Potter was
heading straight towards them. Right behind him was an amused looking Remus
Lupin, a slightly sleepy Peter Pettigrew and an even more amused Sirius Black.
The smirk of amusement on his face faded into a snarl when he saw Astrid
sitting next to Lily.
“Astrid,” he growled, glaring at her and even James froze in his bid to capture
Lily’s attention.
“Sirius,” Astrid said, not looking up.
“So how was your summer, Astrid? Did my mother do you any more favours?” he
snarled. “Been a good girl, have you?”
Lily got up in a fit of rage, only to have Astrid pull her back.
“Lily, no. He’s not worth it,” she hissed. James had moved back to safety the
moment Lily had gotten up, her eyes flashing in rage.
Lily smiled sadly at her, pulling Astrid’s arm off her.
“But you are,” she said. One moment Lily was smiling at Astrid and the next,
her fist was colliding with Sirius Black’s face, a deafening but incredibly
satisfying crunch echoing through the hall.
“She won’t do anything to you, even if you treat her like shit all the time. I
thought it was about time I should show this stupid school what happens when
you mess with Lily Evan’s best friend,” Lily huffed, and sat back down
gracefully, as if she hadn’t just attacked a guy for insulting someone.
“Lily!” Astrid said, and Lily smirked to herself.
In all of this, Astrid had completely forgotten about the pregnancy and being
sad.
Sirius groaned, holding his face.
“Oh, stand up, you big baby,” said Astrid, glaring at the boy. “Episkey!”
“Why did you have to do that?” said Lily, glaring at the boy’s fixed nose like
it honestly offended her.
“Because it was the right thing to do,” said Astrid, suddenly withdrawing
again, no doubt remembering Sirius’ statement of being a “good girl”.
Lily reached out to touch her, but Sirius opened his mouth again.
“Since when are you friends with this bitch anyway?” Sirius said, glaring at
Astrid like he thought she would ruin Lily.
“Since second year. Its not like you bothered to ask,” said Lily, because
Astrid seemed to be quivering again.
“Padfoot, come on,” said Remus, giving Astrid a slightly worried look. “I’m
hungry and we have McGonagall first hour.”
Sirius gave Astrid one last glare before he turned and stormed off towards a
set of empty seats. James gave Lily a wink before nodding at Astrid awkwardly.
“I’m sorry,” said Remus softly, as Pettigrew ran after the two. “For what
happened with your mum. I heard some of the Slytherins talking about it. That’s
got to be tough.”
Astrid looked up, surprised, but her eyes were filled with unshed tears.
“I...I’m happy. I don’t need people like that in my life,” she replied,
quietly, though her hands quivered as she reached out for a muffin.
Remus reached out and dropped it on her plate.
“Well, if you need someone other than Lily to talk to,” he said, shrugging.
“I’m a good listener. And...I’ll try getting Padfoot to stop.”
“You’ve tried for years, Remus,” said Astrid, a small sad smile on her face. “I
think we all need to acknowledge that its not going to change.”
Remus sighed, but nodded and ran off to his friends.
Lily stabbed her food angrily.
“Why do you let him do that?” she asked.
Astrid bit into her muffin and chewed slowly before answering, like she was
trying to formulate the answer.
“Its...difficult. When I was younger, we used to be friends, you know? I don’t
know what happened, but when he was sorted into Gryffindor, he decided he hated
me. I didn’t know how to react then and I still don’t, because regardless of
how well I know him, I can’t open my mouth and say the words that would hurt
him most.”
Lily sighed.
“You want to head to the Hospital Wing before going to class?” she asked,
letting it slide. She still didn’t really understand the dynamic that the two
had, but now that Astrid was finally trying to open up, she might actually
learn about it.
“I don’t think I’ll need to. I have a decent supply of potions for now. We can
go straight to class,” Astrid said, smiling at Lily before grabbing an apple. A
part of her was incredibly grateful that they were both in their Sixth Year,
because it meant that they could be together for most of the day, since they
had the same subjects.
“And you know, it would be nice for you to befriend Remus. He’s a nice boy,”
said Lily, as they both got up, ignoring the jeers they got as they passed.
“You’re so lucky none of the teachers saw that,” Astrid grumbled, ignoring the
statement, and Lily rolled her eyes.
“Astrid,” she said, as they finally escaped the Great Hall, “We need to figure
out what we’re going to do about all of this. Its not going to be easy to hide
it after a while.”
Astrid nodded, looking incredibly old and sad for a moment.
“Let’s just get through the classes for now,” she said, quietly. “We’ll figure
that out after.”
Lily sighed, but went along with it, knowing fully well that if Astrid didn’t
want to talk about it, it would do no good for either of them for Lily to force
the issue.
***** September, 1976 *****
Chapter Notes
     I apologize for the long wait. I'm doing my MBA, so I have my last
     internship going on. I haven't had time to write much of anything,
     but I do hope to write more of this fic. The only problem is that I
     need to draw a lot of dark thoughts and its a little hard to write at
     a stretch.
     I'm definitely not going to abandon this fic, but it will take some
     time. Sirius will find out about the pregnancy soon and the drama
     will actually start now. The healing, based on the plan in my head,
     should also start for both of them very soon. I know that a lot of
     people keep saying that teen pregnancy and Hogwarts allowing them to
     stay in the castle seems unlikely, but in my head right now, with the
     war and Astrid's personal situation, it is only natural that they
     allow her to stay. For one this, it isn't a natural conception so she
     was impregnated by dark magic, so to speak. That's how I see the
     logic behind all of this.
     Anyway, I hope I do get time to write more! I hope you like this
     chapter!
“Welcome to sixth year Transfiguration,” said McGonagall, addressing the room
of 15 students. There were 6 Gryffindors (the Marauders, Lily, and Mary
Macdonald), 3 Slytherins (Severus Snape, Riley Higgs, and Albert Runcorn), 4
Ravenclaws (Astrid, Felicity Corner, Alfred Moore, and Fred Johnson), and 2
Hufflepuffs (Lyla Murphy and Daniel Taylor).
 
“As you all know, your sixth and seventh year are crucial and if you are in
this class, it means you have managed to achieve the grade required for this
class. Congratulations to all of you. Your journey has just begun.”
 
Astrid was seated next to Lily in one of the middle benches. The Marauders were
sitting not too far away from them, but not far enough that they didn’t hear
Runcorn turn around and hiss at Astrid, “I heard your mum finally kicked you
out, Arundell. Oh, how the mighty fall.”
 
“What?” said Sirius loudly. It was loud enough that McGonagall turned and
glared at Sirius.
 
“Mr. Black, I don’t care why. Detention.”
 
Sirius gaped at the older woman and then turned to Astrid, unable to say a
word.
 
“Oh, you didn’t know?” said Runcorn. “Arundell got kicked out not too long
after you ran off to the Potters.”
 
McGonagall glanced back.
 
“Mr. Runcorn, was there something you’d like to share with the class?”
 
Runcorn shook his head, though he had a small smug expression on his face.
Beneath the table, Lily gave Astrid’s hand a squeeze.
 
“Now, Ms. Arundell. Would you mind explaining the types of human
transfiguration?”
 
“There are three main types,” started Astrid, her voice slightly shaky, when
Snape turned and said, “No, there are two.”
 
Astrid shook her head, and Sirius barked.
 
“Oh, you have something to say, Snivellus?”
 
Astrid breathed in deeply.
 
“As I was saying before Severus and Sirius interrupted me, there are three
types- Animagi, Metamorphagi and Werewolves. The difference between the three
is that a Metamorphagus can choose to take any form he or she wishes, without
rigorous training. It is a skill people are born with. Human Transfiguration
can be used to essentially replicate the natural abilities of Metamorphmagi,
allowing the practitioner or the subject to take on an entirely different form
or make various individual changes to their appearance, such as growing or
changing the colour of one's hair or taking on individual animal body parts. A
werewolf may be considered part of this category as it is a process of
transformation, though it is important to note that the transformation is in no
way on purpose or by choice.”
 
“Thank you, Ms. Arundell. Ten points to Ravenclaw. Now, this year and next
year, we will be solely focusing on this aspect of Transfiguration. At the end
of all this, you might even be able to register yourselves as Animagi.”
 
Forty minutes later, as they were all making their way out, Sirius caught up
with them.
 
“What did Runcorn mean?” Sirius said, grabbing Astrid’s hand.
 
“Padfoot…” said Remus, moving forward.
 
Lily beat him to it, wrenching Sirius’ arm off her. “Don’t touch her.”
 
“Stay out of this, Evans. Don’t butt your pretty little nose in our business,”
he snarled, ignoring James’ hiss at him.
 
“Its not actually any of your business either, Sirius,” said Astrid, her voice
strong. Something strange happened on Sirius’ face for a split second before it
disappeared, but Lily caught it.
 
“Of course it is,” said Sirius, waving his hand flippantly.
 
“Its my mother. Not yours, remember?”
 
“Oh, and what did my mother have to say about this development?” hissed Sirius,
leaning forward so their faces were close.
 
“Well, naturally my mother followed your mum’s lead. Walburga gave me an
ultimatum because she can’t fucking handle her own son. And you know what?” she
snarled, as Sirius stepped back, his eyes widening at the sound of her
swearing.
 
“I’m happy! I’m happy I don’t have to fucking deal with your stupidity. I don’t
have to deal with the consequences of your actions, I don’t have to fucking
answer for you!”
 
Neither of them noticed that they were catching the attention of the other
students.
 
“No one asked you to!” yelled Sirius.
 
Lily reached for her wand to force the two apart, but she didn’t have to.
 
Astrid’s entire posture displayed her internal withdrawal.
 
“No one gave me a choice,” she said, quietly, before turning and hurrying away,
Lily running after her.
 
“Mate, you know, this should make you happy,” said James, placing his hand on
Sirius’ shoulder. “I mean, if there’s no one after the two of you to get
married, you don’t have to talk to her right?”
 
Sirius didn’t respond, staring after Astrid. Remus moved forward to look at
Sirius, and was surprised to see guilt.
 
“Yeah,” Sirius said, covering it up with a grin. “You’re right, Prongs!”
 
Neither James or Remus were fooled, and even Peter seemed sceptical. Peter was
the first to go along with it.
 
“Yeah! Come on, we have Potions now right?”
 
Sirius nodded and they all set off in the same direction as Lily and Astrid,
while James and Remus exchanged concerned looks.
 
What was wrong with Sirius?
===============================================================================

When Astrid and Sirius first met, they were only 4 and 5 years old. Little
Astrid had gazed at him behind the legs of her father, her wide, brown eyes
glued on him. Younger Sirius had been almost a year older than her, and at the
time, they hadn’t really understood what she was supposed to be for him.
 
There were words like “marriage” and “terms and conditions” thrown around, but
all the two of them understood was that they were supposed to grow up and stay
together and take care of kids.
 
At four years, everything had been perfect. Sirius had a playmate to lord over
who was not his baby brother- who, at the age of 2, was quite boring to play
with- and not his older sisters who all insisted to tittering about together
like an all-female trio. Bella, at 12, was the leader of their little gang with
Cissy, who was then 8, and Andy, who was 10. They had found little, innocent
Astrid the most adorable creature in the world, and Bella insisted on telling
her all about the “big kid school” called Hogwarts.
 
Sirius hadn’t liked that very much, because his mother had brought Astrid over
as his playmate and no one else’s.
 
As they grew up, the two became friends and then suddenly started getting
awkward around each other when they realized that they were supposed to be
married to one another. Astrid didn’t know why her parents were forcing her to
marry Sirius, and when her father disappeared and her mother started insisting
that she start getting used to the idea, she started pulling away.
 
Sirius hadn’t even thought about it it much until they both left for Hogwarts
and James Potter asked him if Astrid was his girlfriend. Astrid had been
dragged away by Andy at the time, and Sirius was left to his own devices.
Sirius hadn’t even realized how weird his relationship with Astrid was before
that moment, and that was the moment he started hating it.
 
He realized how much he felt like his freedom was being crushed. When he was
sorted into Gryffindor, he was happy to be with James and his two new friends,
Remus and Peter. Astrid had stumbled towards the hat before him and had been
sorted into Ravenclaw. The awkward look of confusion on her face had made him
think of his smothering mother who had insisted that Sirius only get into
Slytherin.
 
So Sirius decided that maybe if he was absolutely horrible to Astrid, she’d go
away. In the beginning, Astrid had just looked at Sirius with her big brown
eyes, absolutely confused and shaken at the harsh words coming out of his
mouth.
 
Slowly, she started to just stand there and take it, quietly looking at her
feet with a resigned look. Andy had always given him disapproving glares, but
she was too busy running off with Ted Tonks to really do anything about it.
Cissy tended to speak to her, but as she too grew up, Astrid started roaming
the halls alone more often than not.
 
When Regulus had finally joined Hogwarts, Andy had already left, with Cissy in
her final year. At that point, Astrid had grown used to being alone,
interacting with the Slytherins when spoken to, quietly taking Sirius’ harsh
words.
 
Sirius had slowly lost interest in the whole “Get Rid Of Astrid” plan, though
he couldn’t seem to stop the way he treated her. Regulus, at 11 years of age,
had walked right up to Sirius and called him out on it, angry that the girl he
considered his big sister was being treated like this.
 
It was then that Sirius got his first reaction from Astrid. The moment Sirius
pulled out his wand at the words “You’re supposed to be a Black! You’re ruining
our name!”, Astrid had pulled out her own, leaping to Reg’s defence.
 
“He’s a first year, Sirius! And your brother at that! What were you thinking?”
she yelled at him, but all Sirius could do was glare at her angrily.
 
That was when he found his first reason to hate her- she thought he was a
disappointment to the “family honour”.
 
As the next 3 years passed, Sirius had accumulated a list of reasons for hating
Astrid. He had a tendency to pull it out every time Remus scolded him or James
shook his head in  exasperation.
 
   1. Astrid thinks I’m a disappointment to the “family name”.
   2. Astrid thinks that muggleborns are filth. (by association with the
      Slytherins)
   3. Astrid is a know-it-all.
   4. Astrid sucks up to my mum.
   5. Astrid has stupidly big brown eyes.
   6. Astrid annoys me.
   7. Astrid talks to Snivellus.
 
Okay, so Remus thought all his reasons were stupid, but Sirius usually logged
off the moment Remus started demolishing the reasoning behind the list.
 
At some level, his weird thing with Astrid had become something that was a kind
of grounding. It was the one thing he had in his life that...was constant.
 
Which was probably why the very thought of not having Astrid in his life
anymore...it shook him.
 
It was at this moment, the moment that James made him realize that they no
longer had a requirement to interact…
 
It was only now that he realized that he needed Astrid in his life.
 
And for some weird reason, all he could see in his head was 11 year old Astrid
running towards him, a wide smile on her face as she said, “I’m so proud of
you!”
 
And the look of confusion, hurt and something else entirely on her face when he
yelled at her and hurt her.
 
Now, all Sirius could think was, “Are you still proud of who I am and what I’ve
done?”
===============================================================================

“Technically,” said Astrid from her couch as she read notes from her discussion
with Madame Pomfrey, “Pomfrey says that nausea and the general cravings will
all start in my 4th or 5th week. The level of nausea differs from person to
person, but I should have cravings.”
 
Lily was sitting on the floor with a book in hand, nodding.
 
“Has she said anything about what we should take precautions for?”
 
“Not really? She just told me about the stages, what to mentally prepare myself
for, etc. The first and third trimesters are the worst but the second is
apparently the best because its the least...painful? Once I start bloating, I
need to be careful with the baby bump, need to make sure I take the right meds,
etc.”
 
Lily nodded again, pulling out a parchment of her own.
 
“Well, I did my own research, and there’s a list of stuff you can’t eat and
drink when you’re pregnant. We’re not sure about whether the spell Walburga did
actually protects the child. You can’t have anything with raw meat of any kind,
including uncooked eggs like cookie dough, no unpasteurized cheeses, prepared
salads from the stores- especially if they contain eggs, chicken, ham, or
seafood- buffet or picnic food that's been sitting out for two or more hours-
one hour on a hot day- stuffing cooked inside a bird, unless heated to 165° F,
raw sprouts or any unwashed produce, especially lettuce and cabbage. And
obviously no unpasteurized milk, alcohol and coffee.”
 
“That...that was a very specific list,” said Astrid, torn between amusement and
shock at the length of the list.
 
“Its a pregnancy . Its like potions. One wrong ingredient can ruin everything.”
 
Astrid just grinned, shaking her head in amusement.
 
They were both quiet for a moment, when Lily finally spoke up.
 
“Astrid, can I ask you something?”
 
“You just did,” said Astrid, grinning at Lily, who merely threw a cushion at
her.
 
“How...how do you deal with it?”
 
Astrid looked confused for a moment, tilting her head slightly.
 
“Deal with what?”
 
“Everything. Like, the pureblood issues, Sirius, classes, the pregnancy. You’re
so strong…”
 
Astrid laughed.
 
“I’m not strong, Lily. I’m constantly on the brink of breaking and the only
thing keeping me together is the fact that I have a person growing in me, and
you. That is literally all that is tethering me to this planet. Its just
that...I feel like I have something to look forward to. All that I had in my
future before this was my impending wedding to Sirius Black, after which the
boy would have probably run off to hide somewhere with James. Now I’m no longer
tethered to my mother’s commands, I can do whatever I want. I can go and do
what I want, become a Potion’s Master if I wish, and no one can tell me
otherwise. Its just...I feel free now.”
 
Lily was quiet, staring at Astrid sadly.
 
“I think that regardless of the fact that you’re on the brink of breaking,
you’re still holding on. Whatever the reasons may be, Astrid, you’re still
strong, just because you are holding on.”
 
Astrid looked away staring at her fingers.
 
“Astrid, look at me,” Lily said, moving to her so she could cup her face in her
hands. “You are twice the woman you think you are. You are stronger than any
girl or boy in this castle, and it’s incredibly sad that you’ve not even
realized it. But this is one of the few things I’m going to ask you to take as
the truth- you are ruddy brilliant.”
 
Astrid let out a choked laugh, leaning towards Lily so she was engulfed in the
redhead’s embrace.
 
“You okay?” Lily whispered, even though they were in an empty room.
 
“Yeah. I just didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that,” Astrid replied,
with a small smile.
 
“Astrid, are you sure...are you sure I’m enough? I don’t mind, I love helping.
But...are you sure you don’t want to tell someone else?”
 
“Like who?” said Astrid with a sigh. “You’re the only one I trust.”
 
“Remus?”
 
Astrid sighed.
 
“At the end of the day, Lily, he’s Sirius’ friend first. I’m not going to get
in the way of that.”
 
Lily let her finger brush against Astrid’s pale cheek slowly.
 
“You’re too good for your own good,” she said, with a small smile. “Come on,
let’s work on some homework.”
 
Astrid smiled slightly and turned to her work before pausing.
 
"Lily, can I...um. Can I ask you a question?" She said, and Lily hummed in
response.
 
"Why...why do you hate James? Like, earlier it was because of Severus, right?
Why do you still hate him?"
 
Lily didn’t answer for a moment too long, and Astrid immediately felt stupid.
 
“Sorry,” Astrid said quickly, worried she had offended Lily.
 
“No, no. Its fine,” Lily said, but she didn’t answer the question till later
that night when they were both in bed.
 
“Astrid?” Lily whispered, and Astrid hummed a bit, turning so she could look at
the redhead.
 
“I’m used to hating him. I don’t know how else to respond to his arrogance.”
 
Astrid laughed softly from her bed.
 
“You’d be surprised at how not arrogant he is, Lily,” she said, and refused to
say anything else after that.
 
===============================================================================
 
When Astrid was 11, her parents separated. Well, not exactly. Her mother was
still an Arundell, but her father left their little family. She had no idea
where her father was today, but as far as she knew, to her mother and
grandmother he was as good as dead.
 
All she knew was that when she was 10, something just...changed in her happy
family. There were more fights, more arguments, and Astrid found herself either
at the Black’s or in her room, trying her hardest to be quiet.
 
It was when she was 11 that her parents split and she officially became
Walburga’s scapegoat for when Sirius stepped out of line in school. She hadn’t
understood what was happening, all she knew was that Walburga was hurting her.
 
When Astrid was 12, she finally understood her role in the entire scheme of
things. She was to be Walburga’s scapegoat and means to the Arundell name, her
mother’s instrument towards a larger bank account, her grandmother’s worst
disappointment.
 
Sirius hated her for reasons unknown to her, but at that point she had started
to wonder if something was actually wrong with her.
 
She was sitting in an abandoned hallway one evening with a book open in her
lap. Cissy had gone off to do her own thing, and Andy was somewhere with some
of her friends, so she was sitting alone.
 
She had never managed to get along with the girls and guys of her house,
because they made her very uncomfortable and they tended to be mean.
 
It was here that 12 year old James Potter had found her.
 
“Arundell! What are you doing all alone in a corridor?”
 
Astrid had looked up, worried that Sirius wouldn’t be far behind, but James had
just gone ahead and seated himself in front of her.
 
“Sirius is in the dorms, don’t worry.”
 
Astrid looked back at her book, unsure of what the boy wanted.
 
“Are you okay?” James asked, after a short silence. Astrid’s head shot up in
surprise.
 
“I...no one’s ever asked me that before,” she whispered, her voice hoarse from
disuse.
 
“No one?” said James, looking confused. “Don’t you have friends?”
 
Astrid shook her head.
 
“I...I hang out with Sirius’ sisters when they’re free but I usually keep to
myself.”
 
James looked rather confused at her admission. Astrid panicked for a moment.
Here was James Potter being relatively nice to her and she had gone and ruined
it like she ruined everything else.
 
“Hey, hey! Don’t cry!” said James, flailing a little. “I dunno what to do when
girls start crying!”
 
Astrid let out a laugh, and he seemed genuinely startled at the sound, like it
hadn’t occurred to him that she could laugh.
 
“Why would I cry?”
 
“Because I’m an insensitive twat?” said James, with a shrug, but she could tell
he was quoting someone and it had hurt him.
 
“You really like her, don’t you?” she replied, with a small smile at him, and
his ears turned slightly pink, knowing exactly who she was talking about.
 
“She’s brilliant,” he said, shrugging.
 
“She is,” Astrid agreed, easily, and he looked surprised again.
 
Astrid cursed herself, looking down at her book again.
 
“But she’s a muggleborn. Don’t you hate them? That’s what Sirius said.”
 
“Sirius needs to actually ask me stuff instead of making assumptions,” snapped
Astrid, angrily. “Lily Evans is a lovely girl who is going to grow up to be one
of the best witches of our age. Her blood doesn’t affect that.”
 
James grinned brightly at that and sighed dreamily. After a moment, he shook
like he was trying to get water out of his head and shrugged.
 
“Hey, you never answered my question,” he said, “Are you okay?”
 
Astrid smiled at the Gryffindor and replied honestly.
 
“I am now.”
 
After that moment, James took to nodding at her in the  corridor, while Sirius
never seemed to notice. He was never overtly friendly, respecting the fact that
Astrid wanted to keep to herself as much as possible, but he was still kind.
 
It was because Astrid had seen this side of James Potter- the side that cared
about the people around him, the side that saw people for who they were- that
made her question Lily’s hate for James.
 
Astrid wished that Lily could see that side of James, but it seemed as if
James’ pratty side just came out naturally around Lily, like he wanted to
impress her. But the thing was, Lily didn’t want to be impressed to begin with.
 
And so Astrid had watched the whole thing escalate over the years. Originally,
Lily had based her hate on Severus and James’ fights, but finally, it got to
the point that even that ended.
 
Astrid couldn’t really ask Lily about it, not when it could potentially ruin
their friendship, so she shut up about it even though she disagreed.
 
But now, since she was trying to be more open with Lily, she wondered if she
could show Lily the James she refused to see.
===============================================================================

The next day, Sirius woke up to see that James and Remus were already up.
 
“Seriously Prongs?” he said, his voice slightly muffled as he rolled around his
bed, relishing the final few seconds before Remus pulled him out.
 
“The first week isn’t even finished yet,” said Remus, disapprovingly. “Guys,
Lily expects me to keep you guys in line, at least now, since I’m a prefect.”
 
Sirius rolled his eyes before something occurred to him.
 
“Hey, since when has Astrid been her friend?” he said.
 
“Well, we all knew she didn’t hate Lily at all. I mean, back in second year,
she said as much,” said James, with a shrug.
 
“What?” said Sirius, for some reason feeling rather angry.
 
“You do know that she can interact with Gryffindors other than you right?” said
Remus, as usual too insightful for his own good.
 
“Shut up,” said Sirius, glaring at the boy’s back. “Since when have you been on
her side?”
 
“I’m on the side of logic and facts,” said Remus, and Sirius threw a pillow at
him.
 
“Of course you’d say that,” grumbled Sirius, finally getting out of bed.
 
Peter yawned as he exited the bathroom. “Loo’s free,” he said, rubbing his eyes
in an attempt to get rid of the sleep.
 
Sirius went to the loo to do his normal morning routine, but couldn’t help but
think about what the others had said. He was incredibly angry with her for
talking to his friends, but that made zero sense. Why was he feeling possessive
of his friends?
 
Sirius shook the thought out of his head. He was out of that life now, had left
it behind when he left his family.
 
And no one had to know that he was worried for her except him.
 
I’m happy! I’m happy I don’t have to fucking deal with your stupidity. I don’t
have to deal with the consequences of your actions, I don’t have to fucking
answer for you!
 
He had been hurt by what she said, but he couldn’t deny that she spoke the
truth. He did have a tendency to do some stupid things. But what he didn’t
understand was why she had to ‘deal with the consequences’.
 
No one gave me a choice.
 
Sirius had known Astrid long enough to know that that was her running away from
a topic, running away from something in order to protect her secrets. She used
to do it when they were younger too.
 
For some reason, he didn’t like the idea of her hiding something from him. He
had to concede that he had no right to that anymore, but…
 
If she had let him claim up and down that she was a muggleborn hater, what else
was she hiding from him?
 
Sirius had always had a love-hate relationship with mysteries. He hated them
but he loved solving them, so naturally his immediate response to the fact that
Astrid had secrets was deciding that he was going to figure it all out.
 
He came out of the bathroom, ready to go down, a small smirk on his face. Remus
could tell from the look on Sirius’ face that he had a plan, and that never
meant anything good.
 
James didn’t really notice because he was too busy ruffling his own hair to get
it to look artfully tussled.
 
“Hey, you reckon Evans will say yes today?”
 
Sirius glanced at Peter and rolled his eyes, making the smaller boy snigger.
 
Remus just shook his head, looking mildly amused, and Sirius let himself
formulate how he was going to get Astrid to tell him what was happening with
her, since she seemed to be a better actress than he gave her credit for.
 
Peter was chatting with Remus about something from Defense and James was busy
trying to look presentable as they all made their way to the Great Hall.
 
Suddenly, they heard some voices and some yelling in the distance.
 
“Stop it! Are you crazy!?” yelled Lily’s voice and suddenly they were sprinting
towards the voice.
 
Astrid was shaking behind Lily, her grip on her wand tightening as if she was
about to raise it in their defense.
 
In front of them were two Ravenclaws.
 
“Run off to hide behind a prefect, Arundell? Spineless piece of shit,” taunted
one, casting a spell at random that Lily managed to block with a shielding
spell.
 
“Bugger off!” yelled a voice, and all the Marauders turned to see Regulus
Black, running straight to Astrid. Astrid looked incredibly confused and her
face immediately settled to a look of nonchalance when she saw Sirius as well.
 
Sirius let out an aborted growl. He looked like he was about to grab Astrid,
but it seemed more of pulling her away from his brother than away from danger.
 
Remus glanced at Sirius, his surprise evident on his face as he immediately
glanced at James who looked just as confused at Sirius’ reaction.
 
For someone who appeared and claimed to hate Astrid, Sirius seemed furious,
though neither of the two boys could tell whether it was because the Ravenclaws
were attacking Astrid or because his little brother was now standing in front
of Astrid, his hand on her arm, whispering furiously to her.
 
Sirius wasn’t usually reserved and it was the first time in the past six years
that either boy had even noticed Sirius suddenly refrain from reacting to
something the way he was now. As Lily shoo’d the two Ravenclaws, threatening to
send them to Flitwick, Sirius’ eyes merely glanced at the two for a moment- a
moment that was long enough to send the two running- and then went back to
glaring at Astrid’s hand, which was currently on Regulus’ arm, squeezing
slightly.
 
His hands were clenching and unclenching though his face seemed impassive.
 
It made them wonder how often Sirius held back when it came to showing his
emotions around Astrid, and how often the three of them had overlooked it.
Peter was looking at Regulus with a mix of worry and disdain- probably because
he didn’t like the way Sirius had completely tensed up.
 
Peter was the kind of boy who was incredibly quiet and shy. It had taken him a
while to even get comfortable with the three of them. It had been Sirius who
had been the one to get him to open up, and he was closest to Sirius, as a
result of that.
 
So Peter instinctively knew that Regulus was making Sirius feel angry and he
was the one to open his mouth and say something.
 
“What the hell was that?”
 
Everyone turned to look at Peter, and Astrid’s hand fell off Regulus’ arm as he
turned, his eyes narrowing at the sight of his older brother.
 
“Sirius.”
 
“Reg,” said Sirius easily, but the air seemed to suddenly be charged with
something else.
 
Not fear.
 
It was something that made Remus, James and Peter step back and Lily seemed to
be torn between moving away from the position she had taken further away from
them in hurrying the two Ravenclaws away and moving between the two boys and
Astrid.
 
Astrid, however, didn’t react like any of them. She immediately moved to keep
the two apart.
 
“Move, Astrid,” growled Sirius, moving forward.
 
“No,” said Astrid evenly, “The two of you need to stop right now. We have two
prefects here.”
 
“Bugger them,” said Regulus angrily, “My lovely brother and I have a chat we
need to have.”
 
Astrid turned around to look at Reg with an abnormal amount of fear and
betrayal, and Regulus shook his head.
 
“I’m furious with him, Astrid. How long are you going to stand between us? How
long are you going to allow him to believe that you were my mother’s little
princess, when in reality, all you ever were was a glorified whipping boy to
that vile woman?” yelled Regulus, but when Astrid whimpered softly, he reached
out to apologize.
 
“Don’t. Touch. Her,” growled Sirius. “Levicorpus!”
 
“Sirius!” Astrid yelled, in alarm, trying to stop what was happening.
 
“Astrid,” said Regulus. “Calm down.”
 
Astrid seemed to be freaking out, tears rolling down her face. Sirius made
another aborted move to reach out to her, and this time, everyone but Astrid
noticed.
 
“Stop fighting!” she said, her voice hoarse and watery. “Stop!”
 
Lily finally moved forward.
 
“Astrid, honey. I think we need to go to the Hospital Wing. If you want, we can
take Regulus with us.”
 
“Like hell you will,” growled Sirius, sidestepping a distracted Astrid to get
to his brother. “What in Merlin’s left saggy buttock are you talking about.”
 
Remus looked at the alarmed and worried expression of Astrid’s face and
realized that it wasn’t fear of what Sirius was going to do to Regulus. She
knew as well as any of them that Sirius wouldn’t hurt his brother. But instead,
she seemed genuinely horrified at Sirius finding out about...her being
Walburga’s whipping boy.
 
He felt horror take over him as he realized why Astrid had always shied away
from people, why she seemed so quiet and withdrawn.
 
“Astrid,” said Remus gently, making everyone look at him. “Did Walburga ever
touch you? Violently?”
 
Regulus snorted darkly as Astrid shook her head.
 
“Why touch her when you have magic?” drawled Regulus, his dark eyes filled with
rage on Astrid’s behalf.
 
The actual implication of those statements dawned on all of them, and Lily let
out a horrified gasp as she reached out to Astrid. Astrid seemed to be trying
her best not to flinch, and Lily, being the one who was around Astrid the most
these days, seemed to immediately back off.
 
Peter stood frozen stiff, looking at the girl with an odd sense of awe.
 
“She did all that to you, I don’t even want to imagine it, for how many years?”
Peter asked, and again, it wasn’t Astrid who answered- mainly because she was
too busy trying to rub the tears off her face- but Regulus.
 
“Since she was 11. Since her parents split. When you were off gallivanting
across Hogwarts with your little band of merry men, Astrid was busy dealing
with repercussions of your stupidity. I had to listen to her screaming, begging
Mother to…” growled Regulus, but suddenly his voice was cut off.
 
Astrid had pulled her wand out, an entirely new expression on her face.
 
“I told you to keep it a secret,” she said, calmly. “I trusted you.”
 
The way she said it was quiet, but something about the words and the genuine
sense of betrayal in her voice made it sound like she was yelling. Regulus
looked alarmed for a moment, and then frantically tried to say something, but
the spell she had casted prevented him from doing so.
 
Astrid met Sirius’ broken gaze dead on, and said, “I guess all the Blacks are
the same, then.”

And without another word, she turned and glided away from them towards the
Hospital Wing. Lily ran behind her, only glancing back once to look at Sirius,
who hadn’t moved at all.
***** October, 1976 *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry for the delay, guys. I'm doing the last internship of my MBA
     (as I may have told some of you in the comments) and this is the last
     week before I go back to Uni for my last term. This would mean that I
     won't have a update next week, though I am hoping that I will get
     time after that to write since my report is close to completion.
     That aside, I don't know how many of you know this, but I also make
     mixes for my stories as I write them. This fic has been in works for
     quite some time since I have difficulty writing dark stories without
     letting it affect my own mental health. I made these in December two
     years ago. I hope you like them. It should also give you a little
     insight on all the characters as well.
     Feel free to follow me there since you get a quick update and sneak
     peek into all the fics I am writing or have ideas for and may have
     started. I always make the mix first to help me articulate the mood
     and the story line.
     http://8tracks.com/holding-out-for-a-hero/collections/the-star-child-
     universe
     That aside, I hope you all have a safe and lovely Holidays (whatever
     they may be)! Let me know what you guys think of this chapter and
     where it may take the characters!
Astrid met Regulus about a week after she met Sirius. At the time he was just a
baby- in her eyes at least. Astrid had found the little boy adorable, looking
up at her with sharp, mistrustful eyes.
 
Whenever Sirius was off moping somewhere because Astrid didn’t do something he
wanted her to do, she would go sit with Regulus in the nursery. After a while,
the mistrust turned into a quiet affection, and he started following her around
when Sirius wasn’t there.
 
As they both grew older, they got closer, and Regulus’ quiet affection became a
kind of brotherly love. They both liked to be quiet and stay in the background.
They did what they were told and didn’t get into trouble. Sirius had always
been a little mischievous, though he didn’t seem to have much of an issue with
doing as he was told.
 
As the three grew up, something in their dynamic changed. Sirius became more
broody and distant. Astrid came to the Black house more frequently, but always
looked guilty, looking at everything with an odd fear in her eyes. Regulus
finally realized what his mother and father intended for their two sons,
realized that they were expected to join the Dark Lord, a Black’s greatest aim
and the greatest gift that could be given.
 
That was when it all really began. The moment that Regulus realized what his
mother really was- a monster. He came in right after the second or third
session. His mother wasn’t there anymore, but Astrid was, her 11 year old body
lying on the carpet of their private room, her eyes worryingly vacant.
 
Regulus had panicked, called a house elf to get her to her little guest room,
where he tried to get her to snap out of it. Astrid never told him what had
happened, but as it became a more frequent occurrence, he put two and two
together.
 
His mother was torturing Astrid, because Sirius couldn’t just pretend to listen
to his mother and just had to step out of line. Astrid silently took it, her
eyes scarily vacant afterwards. Regulus tried to get Astrid to talk to him
about it, but she always seemed to brush his concern off. As time passed,
Astrid stopped seeming absolutely vacant post-session, and started
looking...resigned.
 
Regulus couldn’t help but hate his brother for doing this to her, for not
realizing what was happening in his own house, and his hatred only ran deeper
when he realized that Sirius was absolutely horrible to Astrid at school.
 
Finally, he cornered his brother, yelling at him for being such a git, but
then, all of a sudden, Astrid appeared, stepping in front of him when Sirius
pulled out his wand. Suddenly, the quiet, resigned, lifeless person Astrid had
become disappeared and the old Astrid, the one with life and joy and hope in
her, appeared again.
 
But just like that, the moment Sirius stormed off, Astrid went back to the
lifeless person she had become, and Regulus realized with an odd sense of
disappointment and an overwhelming sadness that even now, Sirius was the only
person who could put Astrid back together again.
 
Regulus had always wanted to help her the way she had helped him. He wanted to
give something back for all she had done.
 
While his mother had taught him to be a certain way, Astrid had taught him
things that his mother could never teach him. His mother taught him to hate, to
follow, to torture, to be cruel. Astrid taught him to love people beyond
everything, taught him to not worship like a dog at the shrine of his mother's
lies. She taught him a different meaning of Family Before All Else, and for
that, he was willing to give up his life to protect her.
 
Regulus had seen Astrid fall apart and pretend to be fine again and again. He'd
seen her love Sirius, and had seen it go to waste. He wanted to be the one who
fixed her, but he knew that wasn't who he was. There was only one person who
could do that, because even now, Astrid was too in love to let it go. Only
Sirius could put her back together, and so, all Regulus could do was hope.
 
Regulus knew, when Astrid was finally out of his mother’s clutches and pregnant
because of Sirius’ stupidity, he was going to have words with his brother.
Obviously, he would never tell him about the pregnancy, but his brother needed
to see what he had done to Astrid, how badly he had hurt her.
 
Astrid would deny up and down that she was in love with Sirius, and maybe she
wasn’t, but no one could deny that she did, in fact, love him, in one way or
another. Regulus knew, given that Sirius and Astrid had “History”, it was only
natural that for them to genuinely feel something for each other, they just
needed to sort out their issues.
 
But that didn’t stop him from hoping. So he was okay with it if Astrid was
angry with him. At the end of the day, his path was chosen for him, and he had
come to terms with that. All he really wanted, though, was for Astrid to be
happy, whole and lively again.
 
Even if it meant that she stopped talking to him and ran into his older
brother’s arms.


It had been a week or two since Sirius had found out about Walburga, and he had
been constantly trying to get to Astrid to talk to him. However, Astrid had
been completely AWOL except for in classes. The moment the bell rang, she would
bolt, Lily with her, before Sirius could even hope to find her.
 
Even using the map didn’t help, because by the time he managed to figure out
where she was, she would have moved elsewhere. It got more difficult when he
realized that she had, for some reason, been given her own room, where she
stayed with Lily.
 
Sirius was, naturally, in a very bad mood in the days after that realization.
James usually managed to distract him with the help of Peter, but Remus was
more worried about Astrid, who appeared to be looking weaker and weaker as the
days passed.
 
Lily could be seen constantly following her, a worried look on her face, while
Astrid looked mildly annoyed. Remus was worried for her, all he ever heard her
say anymore was “I’m fine”.
 
From what he heard from people she was really sick. Apparently she had some
horrible bug, but it wasn’t contagious. It was suspicious to say the least, but
Remus just couldn’t escape his friends without a questioning, given Sirius’
guilt-driven bad mood.
 
He had heard the boy whimpering in his sleep, calling out for Astrid, begging
Walburga to stop hurting her. It broke Remus’ heart, as this was what they had
been spiraling towards for a long time. He hadn’t noticed how much this thing
with Astrid affected Sirius, because truth be told, the boy was very good at
hiding the things he didn’t want people to know.
 
He knew that none of the other boys knew of Sirius’ nightmares, and he would
just wake up in a worse mood than the previous day, almost as if he could
remember the dream. Remus couldn’t ask Sirius about them, especially if he
couldn’t remember them. He knew what it felt like to dream of the most
traumatic thing to happen, to dream of the people around you dying.
 
Remus knew that Astrid had gone through things he couldn’t even dream of.
Sirius didn’t speak about his family a lot, but when he did, it was usually
about how his family was involved in very dark things. Remus didn’t want to
think about the reality that Astrid lived in, though her general resigned
nature when Sirius spewed out harsh words at her suddenly made sense.
 
Occasionally, she would respond with an angry retort but that was rarely in her
own defence and usually in Regulus’ defence. Now that he actually thought about
it, he realized that Sirius’ own expression changed slightly when Astrid
responded angrily to him, almost as if he was seeing something he had not seen
in a long time.
 
It made him wonder what astrid was like as the child Sirius had known.
 
The thought made his heart hurt a little, and he shook his head minutely to get
it out. When he finally got out of his own head, he realized he was in a
corridor he had never seen. For a moment, he was worried. The map was with
Sirius, who had been checking and watching it in a manner that was almost
desperate. He was about to turn around and walk away when he heard Astrid’s
voice down the hall.
 
“Lily, I’m fine!”
 
“Astrid, you’ve not been able to eat anything for two days! Stop trying to
convince me that you’re fine!”
 
They came into sight as they walked around the corner and Lily seemed to freeze
at the sight of Remus.
 
“R-Remus,” she stammered, looking slightly shifty.
 
Astrid looked at him, and he smiled at her, walking towards them.
 
“I accidently ended up on this corridor. I have no clue where to go from here,”
he said, with a laugh. He could tell that he might have just heard something he
wasn’t supposed to hear.
 
“How much of that did you hear?” Astrid said, calmly, and suddenly Remus could
see the pureblood in her, the part of her that had been heavily influenced by
the hands of the expectations placed on her. It was odd, seeing that side of
her, the side that immediately got to business.
 
“Just that you’ve not been able to eat for two days,” said Remus honestly. “You
feeling alright?”
 
“I’m fine,” she replied, her defences still up, but the way her body swayed
slightly said something else entirely.
 
“Astrid,” started Lily, reaching out.
 
“I’m fine,” Astrid said loudly enough for it to sound almost frantic- like she
was trying to convince herself and possibly her own body- but that was exactly
when her body gave up on her.
 
Remus immediately caught her, thanking the stars for his reflexes.
 
“Astrid?” said Lily, her voice high with panic.
 
“Don’t worry, we’ll take her to the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey will help her
out,” said Remus soothingly as he lifted Astrid into his arms.
 
Lily looked far more worried than would be considered normal when a friend
fainted from fatigue. Remus immediately guessed that there was something more
to this entire thing than either girl was letting him know.
From what he could tell, this could not possibly be just a bug, because if it
was, Pomfrey would have forced Astrid to stay in the Wing, considering how bad
it apparently was. No one would allow such a bug- if it was even a bug- to
venture beyond the walls of the Hospital Wing.
 
However, Remus decided to keep to himself. Astrid evidently did not want him to
find out- which he had no doubt had everything to do with the fact that he was
one of Sirius’ best friends.
 
Sometimes, Remus thought that Astrid was too much of a kind soul to be able to
function in a world like theirs. Then, of course, he had to remind himself that
there was only one man she would be like this with, and that was Sirius Black.
 
Sirius was the only one Astrid would literally give up her life for, regardless
of how much she tried to deny it with her actions and her words. And the sad
part was, Remus had the feeling that neither of them really recognized that
fact. It was something both Sirius and Astrid took for granted in a way, but
not consciously. Instead, it seems almost as if they were drawn together like
two magnets trying to pull away.
 
Remus looked at the weak body of the girl in his arms, then at the red haired
girl panicking by his side as they finally entered the Hospital Wing, a small
sigh escaping him.


There weren’t many things that terrified Sirius. His mother terrified him, but
it wasn’t the woman herself that scared him but the world she stood for. So, it
was easy to say that Sirius wasn’t scared of many things at all, just very
real-world things that could result in the deaths of his loved ones.
 
Which was why, when Remus ran to him, telling him that Astrid was in the
Hospital Wing, that Remus had to carry her there, the fear flooding inside him
was the fear of losing her. His imagination had run rampant for the past few
days, Regulus’ words echoing in his mind like taunts and jeers.
 
It wasn’t until he had sprinted all the way to the Hospital Wing, disregarding
the calls from his friends, straight to Astrid’s bed, that he realized what his
boggart was- the sight of Astrid on one of the beds, her skin pale, her whole
body glowing as Pomfrey tried to heal whatever had happened to her.
 
“What are you doing here?” Lily said, her tear stained face cold and angry,
like this was all his fault.
 
Sirius was starting to believe that it all was.
 
“Remus told me Astrid was here,” he said, stopping himself from reaching
towards the unconscious girl.
 
Lily watched his movement, an odd, confused look in her eyes, but it was gone
before Sirius could ask.
 
“You don’t deserve to even look at her, after what your idiocy put her
through,” said Lily, her eyes hard. Before Sirius could open his mouth to agree
with her, a new voice pitched in.
 
“What happened isn’t Sirius’ fault, Evans. This is all the fault of Walburga
Black, who, being the delusional bat she is, thought it was okay to hurt Astrid
that way. I’m not agreeing with what she did, I’m not defending Padfoot’s
treatment of Astrid in school, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that
it wasn’t Sirius who hurt her,” said James calmly, walking into the room.
 
Lily looked at James, a dry, dark smirk on her face as if she was taunting him
for not knowing something.
 
“She still refuses to talk about it properly. She just makes vague statements
that allude to what happened but never actually speaks about it,” Lily said,
and suddenly Sirius could see the dark circles under her eyes, the tiredness
that radiated off her.
 
“She always did that. Whenever Reg or I asked her something that she didn’t
actually want to answer, she’d make a vague statement that seemed like an
answer. Its her way of letting you think you know everything, but keeping
everything to herself at the same time.”
 
Remus, who had just arrived, placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.
 
“Call Regulus,” said Sirius, quietly, his shoulders sagging in defeat. “He’s
the one she’ll want to see when she wakes up.”
 
Lily stared at the boy, a sad look on her face, and whispered to herself, “If
only you knew.”
 
Suddenly Madam Pomfrey appeared, rushing out of her room. She saw the boys and
shooed them out, though Remus could tell that it was completely out of respect
to Astrid's wishes.


“Mommy please,” sobbed Astrid, clawing at the door, trying to get her mother’s
attention. Tears streamed down her face, desperate hiccups making it harder for
her to breathe.
 
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, though she had no idea why her mother was locking her
up in the Punishment room. She hated the punishment room. Ever since she was a
child, she had been locked in the room whenever she did something her mother
didn’t approve of. When her father was around, that issue wasn’t there because
he would keep her safe, but when he left, when she was 11, it had gotten worse.
 
She didn’t know what she had done. She had kept up pretenses, played nice with
all the purebloods who were horrible to her at school, even danced with
Regulus. Sirius had disappeared once he got to the house, so she couldn’t try
to convince him to dance with her.
 
“Please,” she whispered, sliding to the ground as her sobs echoed in the dark
room. “Help me, please.”
 
Her throat had started to close up- both out of fright at the ever-constant
stream of tears rolling down her face. She hated the dark, hated the way it
made her feel, hated the fear that coiled inside her stomach like a snake ready
to pounce.
 
“Please,” she rasped, holding her knees towards her, her fingers holding onto
the torn fabric of her dress, dry sobs echoing in the room.
 
It was never her. She knew that her mother loved the fame, the fortune, the
parties. She loved those aspects of her life, but Astrid was a curse. A blight.
She was a worthless piece of shit, always the second wanted, always never
enough, always stupid, always clumsy.
 
She was a combination of always and never, a combination of everything her
mother hated and despised. She was everything that disappointed her
grandmother. She was everything that repulsed Sirius.
 
She was never enough.
 
She was disposable, she knew that. She knew that if her mother could get rid of
her in a more permanent manner, she would. In fact, she probably wanted to. But
considering that Astrid was the key to the Black fortune, there was really no
reason for her to act on her desires in that arena.
 
She curled up into a small ball on the floor, tears still leaking out of her
eyes, heart jackrabbiting in her chest.
 
“Help me,” she whispered, “Please. Help me.”
 
Suddenly, Astrid felt like she was physically pulled out of the memory and into
reality.
 
“Are you okay?” asked Lily, her pale, worried face hovering above her. “And
don’t say you’re fine.”
 
“I’m ok,” Astrid whispered, echoes of the Punishment Room following her still.
 
She glanced to her right, and her eyes focused on Sirius who was sitting on the
bed next to hers. Remus, Peter and James were all standing and looking at her
with various levels of relief.
 
“How do you feel?” asked James. “We tried to get Regulus here, but he couldn’t
come.”
 
“It's not a good idea for him to be seen interacting with me,” said Astrid,
quietly.
 
“I’ll see if I can get him here,” Sirius said, moving from his seat, but not
looking at her even once.
 
“Don’t. At this point, your mother will already have spies everywhere and she’s
definitely watching both of us,” said Astrid, her eyes emptily staring at her
shaking fingers with a sort of detached resignation.
 
“Astrid,” said Lily, quietly.
 
“Tell them,” Astrid said, interrupting her. “It's gone on long enough and if
they are going to keep getting involved, regardless of our attempts to keep
them out, Mrs. Black will definitely use it against me.”
 
Lily let out a soft gasp, and Sirius turned, her eyes angry.
 
“What has my bloody mother done now? What game is she playing now?”
 
“She wants you back. And I’m merely a means to get what she wants,” said
Astrid, her eyes still watched her fingers, the phantom feeling of the wall
giving away under her nails still echoing in her mind.
 
“Astrid,” said Madam Pomfrey, her concerned face suddenly coming into view. “I
have some medicines to give you. How are you feeling now?”
 
“Like I got hit by a curse,” said Astrid, honest for once. “Could you please
take the boys inside your office and inform them of the situation? You would be
able to explain it better than me and Lily.”
 
Pomfrey paused, looking at the younger girl with a sense of confusion and
sadness. She could see the younger girl struggling to stay sitting up, her
fingers were quivering but other than that, there was no sign of her discomfort
or her worry. She was about to make her lay back down when Sirius suddenly
said, “You shouldn’t be sitting up in the state you’re in. Put your head down.”
 
Pomfrey was surprised because it was well known amongst the staff that Sirius
Black and Astrid Arundell were not on good terms. But was that really the case?
To have noticed that Astrid was tired, you would have had to been either a
medically trained individual...or someone very close to her. It couldn’t have
been because of the time they had known each other...but because Sirius spent
time watching the girl.
 
And that honestly broke her heart.
 
“Of course, Ms. Arundell,” she said, realizing she had not yet answered the
girl. “If you’re sure.”
 
“I am.”
 
Sirius glanced at Astrid once, and Lily was surprised to see a strange
expression close to regret and guilt flash over his features before he followed
his friends to Pomfrey’s office.
 
“Have a seat, boys,” she said, kindly, though her smile did not reach her eyes.
 
Sirius took a moment to sit down, before saying, “What did my mother do to
her?”
 
Pomfrey’s stared at Sirius, surprised he had figured that much out so quickly.
 
“We found out exactly how Walburga Black treated her a little while back,” said
Remus, quietly.
 
Pomfrey looked confused, before realization dawned on her face when James
quietly said, “She used to crucio her.”
 
“Dear me,” said Pomfrey, breathless at the inhumanity of it all. “I hadn’t even
checked for damage due to abuse.”
 
“You mean we’re not here because she’s dying?” said Sirius, looking up, hope
suddenly in his eyes. He had obviously assumed the worst right away.
 
“Heavens no! Not if I have anything to say about it! Mr. Black, over the
summer, your mother cast a very, very dark spell on Miss Arundell. She used
your DNA to essentially...impregnate her. It’s not a reversible spell.”
 
“What?” said Remus, after a moment of pause. “I thought magic couldn’t create
anything out of nothingness.”
 
“There are some dark spells that can do that, but it comes at a cost,” said
Sirius, quietly. “I’ve never heard of this spell though.”
 
“Neither have we,” said Pomfrey. “But we did the paternity spell. It is
undoubtedly yours, Mr. Black.”
 
Sirius stared at her for a moment, a strange expression on his face.
 
“Sirius,” said James, quietly.
 
“What do we do?” asked Sirius, his voice hoarse.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“What does she need?” he asked, running his hand over his face, looking
exhausted suddenly. “How do I make sure Astrid is okay?”
 
“I don’t know, dear. But I have a feeling you already do,” said Pomfrey,
kindly, before summoning a house elf for some hot chocolate for the boys.
 
“You’ll be fine,” said Pomfrey, before she left to help Astrid.

After all, Sirius had not once asked how to get rid of the baby. All he had
wanted to know was how to help make Astrid whole again, how to keep her safe.
Sirius Black would do right by her, and that was all that mattered in Pomfrey’s
mind at that moment, because there were so few people willing to do right by
the Arundell girl. She needed people who cared about her, and she had no doubt
that these boys would do the trick.
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