Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/6330112.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Hamilton_-_Miranda
  Relationship:
      Aaron_Burr/Alexander_Hamilton
  Character:
      Aaron_Burr, Alexander_Hamilton
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, Alternate_Universe_-_Modern_Setting
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-03-23 Words: 11096
****** Find Us Where We Fall ******
by notevenyou
Summary
     Foster kid Aaron Burr's high school plans are on track, he doesn't
     need any distractions, and certainly not in the form of new kid,
     Alexander Hamilton.
Aaron was in his junior year of high school, almost seventeen, and had less
than two years left before he was out of the foster system and on his own, when
Alexander Hamilton joined his school. Aaron didn’t think about him much at
first, didn’t think about any of the other kids at the school, too focused on
keeping his head down, getting good grades, and building up his extracurricular
activities so he could get a scholarship and get his life on track. When
Alexander was introduced in homeroom in the middle of the school year, Aaron
looked politely attentive, as always, but he wasn’t really paying much
attention until in the middle of Alexander’s overly long, overly enthused
introduction he mentioned that he was at this school now in part because he’d
been recently adopted by a family called the Washingtons. Then Aaron’s
attention was completely on him, thick envy stirring in his stomach, because
Alexander had done the near impossible in getting adopted at this late stage,
and Aaron hadn’t.
It wasn’t that no one adopted, because of course people did. It was that they
wanted sweet, young, malleable kids. Light skinned and female if at all
possible. Aaron wasn’t any of that, and hadn’t been since his parents died and
he entered the system, and no amount of careful politeness, intelligence, or
flattering smiles had ever compensated for that. He had thought himself fully
resigned to his failure, his current home was fine, a hell of a lot better than
some, but with Alexander there, shiny with his success, all the longing for
somewhere or someone to call Aaron’s own came back with a jolt.
So Aaron found himself keeping a resentful eye on Alexander at school, trying
to figure out what made him different. It didn’t actually take long though.
Alexander was like a sun. Within in days of his arrival everyone knew him, and
everyone was either warmed or burned by him. He was polarizing, and
frustrating, but also charming, and obviously brilliant. Almost all teachers
loved having him in their classes, although crusty old Mr. Lee probably would
have liked to go back to the quiet stupor of pre-Alexander. Alexander also
quickly made his mark on the social scene of the school. Everyone knew that
rich Thomas Jefferson hated him, Lafayette’s group of friends swept him up, and
he was either in a feud or a flirtation or both with class president Angelica
Schuyler. He was definitely dating sweet Eliza Schuyler for two weeks, until he
was caught making out with Maria Reynolds at a party, which caused a round of
realignments in the pro and anti Alexander camps throughout the school.
All of this Aaron knew even after he thought he’d given up trying to solve the
mystery of Alexander. Aaron couldn’t quite figure out if he was paying more
attention than he thought, or if it really was that everyone was talking about
Alexander all the time. In any case, puzzle solved, the Washingtons clearly
fell into the half of the world that was sucked in by Alexander’s charm. They
must be able to tolerate his frenetic need to examine every aspect of life from
all directions, and turn the simplest tasks into debatable moments.
Aaron shared four classes with Alexander, and in all of them had found himself
faced with Alexander’s need to turn everything into an argument, won by
Alexander. Any opinion Aaron offered, Alexander had a problem with it. Aaron
found it very frustrating, in part because he found it safest to offer the
opinion that he thought the teacher wanted to hear, and even when he was sure
that he had found the right one, the teachers always seemed more charmed by
Alexander’s contrary opinion. This didn’t match any of Aaron’s prior experience
of teachers, who always wanted to hear you magically arrive at their own
opinion, but Aaron could just feel his grades slipping, his references getting
thinner, and his college dreams receding. Each incident added more to the
repressed anger that churned whenever Alexander was around, and instead of
ignoring Alexander, Aaron only felt more aware of him.
However, Aaron hadn’t made it this far, or done this well to be derailed by one
infuriating person. He kept his outward peace, he kept his polite smiles, and
he went about his business of earning As, and padding his college applications
with worthy activities. He thought he was doing pretty well. He thought he had
a good handle on any feelings related to the Alexander shaped disruption in his
life. In was in the pursuit of earning As that he found out he was not dealing
with things quite as well as he thought.
# 
It’s Aaron’s free period, and he’s in the small school library trying to find a
book for next week’s history paper. The book is apparently located in the
furthest most corner of the library, and he feels a little grim about having to
go back there. It was the one part of the library where the librarian couldn’t
see, and it was not uncommon for couples to be back there making out, but he
puts on a carefully neutral face, and braces himself to ignore any unpleasant
couplings. Despite his careful preparation, when he turns the corner he finds
himself freezing mid-step.
There in the far corner, up against the back shelves is Alexander. That in of
itself is perhaps not wholly surprising, but the person he’s pressed into,
pinning into the shelves, is John Laurens. For all his observation Aaron hadn’t
know this about Alexander. They’re kissing as if they had been kissing for a
while. It looks wet, and a bit frantic. Alexander has one hand pushed awkwardly
into the short sleeve of Laurens’s shirt, thumb rubbing impatiently across the
skin of his shoulder, the other arm around Laurens’s back. Laurens is holding
Alexander’s waist, and they are both breathing heavily. As Aaron watches,
frozen for a moment too long, Alexander shifts and Laurens lets out a small
moan, his hips jumping up into Alexander’s. 
That brings Aaron back to himself with a start and he silently slides back
around the corner and away. His mind feels staticky and unfocused, and he gives
up the paper as a lost cause, instead grabbing his backpack and leaving. He
finds himself in the bathroom, which is thankfully empty, and locks himself in
a stall. He leans against the wall of the stall, trying to slow his own, too
fast, breathing. To his chagrin he is achingly hard in his pants, and can only
hope that no one had noticed. He tries to will himself down, thinking of math
formulas and cafeteria mystery meat, but his mind keeps skittering back to
Alexander’s fingers pressed into Laurens’s shoulder, his wet mouth, and the way
Laurens’s hips had followed Alexander. Aaron’s imagination places himself in
Laurens’s place, feeling Alexander firm against him, and Alexander’s mouth on
his. Aaron was only getting harder, and he concedes defeat, dropping his
backpack, and fumbling his pants open to pull himself off into the toilet in a
few quick strokes, muffling his heavy breath into his own shoulder as he comes.
His mind feels still for a moment as his breath slows, but his hands shake as
he tidies himself up, and flushes the toilet.
As the arousal fades, Aaron feels horrified at himself for being just one of
the many people who want Alexander, and for wanting someone who is able to
succeed in so many ways that Aaron has failed. If anything this attraction only
makes his dislike of Alexander irrationally stronger. It’s hardly Alexander’s
fault, but if Aaron is honest none of it is.
#
Unfortunately, once he’s realized his attraction to Alexander it becomes kind
of a thing. The kind of thing where he has regular dreams about Alexander’s
hands, and mouth that leave him waking up grinding into nothing, and forced to
decide whether he wants to try to gamble on jerking off quietly enough not to
wake up his roommate, the uninspiring junior high Jake who will definitely mock
him, or try to make it to the bathroom without anyone noticing his condition.
Both strategies turn out to have a failure rate too high for comfort. His
foster home has never felt so crowded, and with four foster kids, all the rest
younger and more rambunctious, it usually felt pretty crowded.
None of the attendant embarrassment of this situation makes him feel any more
favorable toward Alexander, but despite this at school Aaron mostly manages to
maintain his cool. Sure, he feels distinctly awkward the first time he sees
Alexander after jerking off to imaginary Alexander, but on the upside, he’s not
staring at Alexander any more than usual. On the downside, he’s forced to admit
that the usual amount of Alexander watching is pretty damning in retrospect.
Aaron’s saving grace is that Alexander doesn’t pay any more attention to Aaron
than any other student whose ideas he’s out to demolish, which is to say all of
them. Since Alexander can’t pick Aaron out of a crowd, any awkwardness goes
unnoticed.
The status quo lasts for a solid month and a half, Aaron’s attraction remaining
sadly unabated, although thankfully unnoticed by anyone but himself, until one
day Alexander sits down across from Aaron at lunch and says hi. Interaction at
lunch is fairly unusual for Aaron, because he always reads at lunch, and at
this point everyone knows this, and leaves him alone. Of course Alexander
seems, as usual, unconcerned with what everyone knows.
Aaron reluctantly puts down his book, swallowing his resentment, embarrassment
and lust, and produces a polite smile, “Hi?”
Alexander smiles back, sunny and seemingly genuine, which is a bit of a
contrast with what comes out of his mouth, “I hear you’re an orphan.”
The resentment in Aaron’s chest twists sharp and painful, and for a moment all
he can do is stare, shocked.
Alexander seems to have noticed the pause, “I mean, I mention it because I’m an
orphan too.”
Aaron’s careful politeness has abandoned him, “That’s what you’re going with? I
hear your parents are dead?”
Alexander seems to be reconsidering, “Well I-“
“Do you also approach the elderly, like ‘statistically speaking you only have a
few years left to live?’”
Alexander is flushing, starting to look angry, “I didn’t mean-“
“Hello there child with puppy, I just wanted you to know that unless you die
tragically young, you will witness your dog’s death.” Aaron’s heart is
pounding, and he shouldn’t be doing this, but there’s something that feels
cleansing in allowing himself to mock Alexander. The flush on Alexander’s face
is satisfying on probably one too many levels.
Alexander is spluttering, on the verge of a response, but is cut off again,
this time by John Adams. Adams is a generally unassuming nerd, who often sits
near Aaron at lunch because he also likes to read, but he is known to be firmly
in the anti-Alexander camp. He seems to be deeply enjoying this moment judging
by his laughter, “Oh my god. Hamilton, you wreck, Aaron is polite to literally
everyone. I don’t even know how you did this, but it’s amazing.”
Alexander’s gaze darts back to Aaron, surprised, and then accusatory as if this
is somehow Aaron’s fault.
That only makes Aaron feel angrier, and he can’t be there anymore, “I’m not
really sure where this lovely conversation was going, but I think it’s over.”
He gathers his half eaten lunch, and his book, page lost, and leaves. Alexander
silently watches him go, and Adams is still chuckling to himself. Aaron dumps
the lunch, and finds himself hiding in the bathroom again. In the mirror he
looks perfectly calm, but inside it feels like he’s shaking.
#
Aaron figures that’s the end of it. Whatever Alexander had to say couldn’t have
been important enough to survive that sort of a beginning, and Aaron goes back
to trying, and failing, to ignore him. Aaron is actually having a modicum of
success at lunch about a week later, engrossed in a book on water rights in the
west, when Alexander once again sits down across from him. Aaron glances at
him, and pointedly goes back to his book.
Alexander huffs a sigh, and then pushes something across the table at him,
“Look, I’m sorry for how I started last time. I just wanted to get to know
you.”
Aaron’s curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls the book down to look at
what Alexander’s offered him. It’s...a cup of vanilla yogurt. As peace
offerings go, that’s pretty weak. He doesn’t even rate fruit? He looks back to
where Alexander is watching him with a hint of hope, and raises one
deliberately scornful eyebrow.
Alexander is flushing again, “Okay, I get it. Not good enough, but I’m still
sorry.”
Aaron looks back at his book and turns a page as if he’s not listening. He
can’t see what Alexander is doing, but he hasn’t left.
Adams has been openly watching this entire exchange over the top of a thick
book with a dragon on the cover, and now, with a grin on his face, he turns to
Aaron, “Hey man, are you going to eat that?” He points to the yogurt.
Aaron only considers the justice of this for a microsecond before sliding it
over to Adams, who laughs through his thanks.
Aaron still isn’t watching Alexander, but he hears him grind out, “Okay. Fine,”
and then leave. Aaron also ignores Adams, who seems to be making a big
production of enjoying the yogurt, and goes back to his book, flipping back to
find where he actually left off.
#
Aaron figures that really is the end of it this time. People don’t like
apologizing, and having an apology rubbed in your face is pretty much the end
of the line for most people. Of course, he should have realized that Alexander
isn’t most people. To be fair, the verbal apologies stop, but Alexander starts
regularly showing up with peace offerings in the form of food. It’s not every
day, usually it’s once, no more than twice, a week, but it’s consistent. Also
since that first disappointing yogurt cup, Alexander’s stepped up his game. His
second attempt is a beautifully frosted donut, then a cup of freshly cut fruit,
and a slice of fancy cake. Then he seems to decide that perhaps Aaron doesn’t
like sweets, and offers an expensive bottle of some hipster iced coffee, some
cashews, and weirdly flavored turkey jerky.
Word seems to have spread about Alexander’s quest to win Aaron over, and it’s
no longer just Adams who is watching when Alexander makes his offerings.
Alexander’s definitely aware of this, he pretends not to see the eyes on them,
but Aaron can see by the set of his shoulders and the tension in his jaw that
it’s a front. Aaron’s uncomfortable with it too, he’s been working his whole
high school career to only be remembered in a neutral to positive light, and
this weird feud, or grudge, or whatever doesn’t fit that picture. Therefore, he
should just accept Alexander’s apology food, and move on with his life. But.
But he doesn’t. Aaron assesses each offering and then, before turning back to
his book, unhesitatingly transfers it to Adams, who is somehow the real winner
in this situation. Alexander always sighs, and waits a few more seconds, as if
after having publically rejected him again, Aaron is going to change his mind
suddenly. When this doesn’t happen Alexander leaves, ignoring Adams making a
big show of enjoying his latest windfall, and the other students around them
pretend not to have been watching.
Aaron isn’t really sure why Alexander is so determined to win him over. There
are plenty of people at school who don’t like Alexander, and he isn’t bringing
them baked goods every week. Maybe it’s just what Adams said, maybe Alexander
can’t stand the idea of being the only person that Aaron doesn’t smile for. Or
maybe he genuinely thought they would have some sort of orphan bond. In any
case, Aaron should just accept the apology and move on, but when he thinks
about doing it, the resentment in his chest twists and pulls and chokes the
words away. He also, shamefully, finds something more than a little appealing
about Alexander trying to win him over. At night, dream Alexander doesn’t just
accept his rejection before going back to his seat at Laurens side, like real
Alexander does. Instead he makes other offers, usually involving getting down
on his knees in front of Aaron in a cafeteria, dream convenient, now empty of
people.
Alexander keeps up his apology offerings through the rest of the school year,
and Aaron rejects him each time. Finally, on the last week of class, Alexander
once again sits across from Aaron. Aaron is prepared to ignore whatever
foodstuff comes his way, but this time Alexander doesn’t offer anything. He
sits there in silence until Aaron’s curiosity wins out and he looks up.
The table in front of Alexander is clear of food, and Alexander looks somehow
tenser than usual, a bit pale maybe. He’s watching Aaron with an intent gaze,
and Aaron placidly looks back. Finally, Alexander nods once, as if to himself,
and puts something on the table, his hand more or less covering it. “I’ve asked
around, and I haven’t been able to figure out what food you like. Maybe you
hate everything I’ve given you, or maybe you just hate me. But what I have
figured out on my own, is that you like books.” He pushes what must be a book
over towards Aaron, but keeps his hand pressed over the cover, “This was my
favorite book as a kid. I’m hoping maybe- Well, I like it.” He takes his hand
away.
Aaron looks at the book, which is a battered copy of So You Want to be a Wizard
by Diane Duane. It’s a good choice, he thinks absently, a book he also enjoyed
when he was younger. He pulls the book slightly towards him, and looks up to
where Alexander’s gaze hasn’t wavered, and then down again to the book, feeling
the uneven texture of the paperback cover, which has clearly gone through a
lot. He opens the cover, and freezes when he sees written inside, in a strong,
feminine hand, “To Alexander, on his 9th birthday. Love mom.” He stares for a
long moment at the writing, part of him wanting to trace the loops, but another
part of him sure it would be an invasion in some way. Alexander must have had
this book all through the system, and Aaron knows well how hard it is to hold
on to anything at all as you are shuffled from one home to another. Personal
items are lost, stolen, and confiscated, and he himself doesn’t have anything
left from before. That Alexander would offer this to him? Aaron can’t even
imagine. He slides the cover shut, decision made.
He looks up and meets Alexander’s eyes, “Thank you.” Alexander’s expression
flickers, as if he’s trying to smile, but can’t come close to managing it.
Aaron pushes the book back to Alexander and Alexander’s hand darts out to take
it, then stops. He looks at Aaron questioningly, hand hovering over the book.
Aaron impatiently pushes it towards Alexander, who smiles, his hand shaking
slightly as he picks the book up and holds it tightly, “Thank you." 
Aaron nods, and this time politely waits for Alexander to leave before going
back to his own book. 
#
That moment seems to have created some sort of resolution for Aaron about
Alexander, and over the summer he’s more or less able to avoid thinking about
him. It helps that he’s upstate all summer; working as a junior camp counselor
(great for the college applications), and that one of his fellow counselors is
the charming Theodosia, who seems equally charmed by him. Between the
alternatingly sweet and bratty kids attending the camp, planning truly terrible
craft activities, and illicit hookups with Theodosia, summer passes in a flash,
with no room for Alexander related thoughts.
Fall is a mess of getting back into the rhythm of classes, settling back into
living in a crowded house of six, missing Theodosia, and organizing for college
applications. If anyone asked, Aaron probably would have been confident that
all his Alexander issues were resolved. Unfortunately when Aaron sees Alexander
at school he’s proven wrong. Alexander has let his hair grow out, and Aaron is
overcome with a desire run his fingers through it, adding a different element
to his Alexander related fantasies, which were apparently not gone, just
lurking in wait.
However, Alexander’s Aaron issues areresolved, so although Aaron is aware of
Alexander they don’t really talk. In fact, Aaron’s observations reveal that
Alexander seems to be spending a lot of time having increasingly strained
conversations with Laurens. Rumors about this vary, and since it is apparently
not public knowledge that they have been hooking up, there are some very
interesting theories about what could be causing the tension. Aaron’s possible
favorite involves a complicated story about how Alexander and Laurens were
running an underground business that provided test answers, but Alexander was
taking more than his fair share of the profits. Why anyone thinks that Laurens,
with his rich father, needs the money, or that Alexander might be stealthy
enough to participate in anything involving subtly is beyond Aaron, but that’s
what makes it his favorite.
However, sometime in the beginning of October the strained conversations stop.
As in, if Aaron was a betting man, Laurens and Alexander have almost certainly
broken up. They both look a little sad, and little tired, although Laurens goes
out of his way to joke and smile with his friends. Unfortunately, his friends
were Alexander’s friends too, and Laurens has apparently won this breakup.
Alexander spends the first part of the post-break-up week sitting with the
Schuyler sisters, but this strategy brings its own awkwardness, given his past
with Eliza. Then, that Thursday, Alexander sets himself down in front of Aaron
again, “Can I...?”
Aaron raises an eyebrow, gesturing expansively at the open seat.
“Thanks. I know I don’t have any food this time.” 
Aaron shrugs, going back to his book.
“You know,” Alexander interrupts, “We’ve never really talked.”
Aaron raises the eyebrow again, and Alexander laughs awkwardly, “Okay. We’ve
never really talked successfully.”
Aaron precisely places his bookmark, and lays the book on the table in front of
him. He folds his hands on top of it, sardonically giving Alexander his full
attention, “Okay. What do you want to talk about?” 
Alexander laughs again, “Um, I don’t know. Politics?”
Aaron rolls his eyes, “Let’s start in a place less likely to lead to another
few months of baked apologies.”
“Um...” And then Alexander is distracted by a wave of laughter from the Laurens
and Lafayette table. Hercules has apparently done something hilarious, and
Laurens is laughing loudly, his head tilted back with delight.
Alexander is watching Laurens, and Aaron is watching Alexander, whose face is
almost neutral, but there’s something sad in the set of his mouth. Before Aaron
thinks it through he’s saying, “We could talk about that.”
Alexander looks back at him, “Hm? Talk about what?”
Aaron isn’t sure how to explain, and gestures towards the table of laughter,
“Your broken heart or whatever.”
Alexander pales, looking around them, but Aaron isn’t careless, there’s no one
there, Adams more likely to be found trying to woo one of the band girls now
that baked goods aren’t on the line. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Aaron feels incredulous, “Really? Then probably you shouldn’t hook up in the
library.”
He almost immediately regrets mentioning it, feeling a little warm at the
memory, but Alexander doesn’t seem to notice. His eyes widen, “That was one
time!” he says indignant, and then brow wrinkling, “That was- that was a long
time ago. Way before I pissed you off.”
Aaron shrugs.
“You never-“
“Never what? I’m not that much of a dick, Alexander.”
Alexander looks abashed, “I’m sorry. Of course not.” He’s fiddling with a
napkin, twisting it into a rope, “I just didn’t know you knew. Almost no one
knew.”
Aaron watches him. Feelings talk really isn’t his specialty, but if it was a
secret from almost everyone, and the remainder are over there with Laurens,
well he isn’t totally heartless, “What happened?”
Alexander sighs, “I don’t know, a lot of things. He doesn’t want to come out
until after college, and he wants to go to school out west, and I want to stay
on the east coast, and just little stuff. What usually happens?”
Aaron just shrugs, he wouldn’t really know, his one even slightly long-term
relationship was Theodosia, and they both knew it wouldn’t outlast the summer.
“I don’t know. He certainly seems to have won the divorce though.”
Alexander glares at the napkin, “Well I didn’t do anything. He was just here
first.”
Aaron tilts his head in an agreement built on the experience of six new schools
in four years, “They always are.”
Alexander looks up from his twisted napkin, seemingly struck, “Yeah. They are.”
This is getting a little too much into magical orphan bond territory for Aaron,
and he clears his throat, “Well, I’m sorry.”
Somehow that seems to be enough for Alexander, because he smiles at Aaron,
maybe a little watery, “Thanks.”
Aaron cautiously smiles back, and casts around for a topic, finally landing on
the book he’s reading, and from there, with a few false starts, they manage to
get a pretty good debate started on which fictional detectives are best.
#
After that Alexander is a semi-regular guest at Aaron’s lunch table, rotating
between Aaron, the Schuyler’s, and eventually even back into Lafayette’s group
on occasion. They manage to talk about a fairly wide range of topics, although
after that first conversation, they avoid the deeply personal.
Alexander seems pretty sure that this arrangement makes them friends, and he’s
all excitement when he finds out that they’ll be working on the winter play
together. The school is putting on “the Scottish play” as the theater teacher
insists they call it, which seems like a bit much for high school kids if you
ask Aaron, but no one does. Aaron has been working his way through the ranks of
school play production since he figured out it would look good for college
applications, always on the technical side. In this, his senior year, he’s made
it to head of lighting, which is a pretty good job since their school has a
decent stage lighting set-up, and it allows for creativity, technical skill,
and responsibility, all good buzzwords for an application or interview.
Alexander on the other hand tries out on a whim and gets cast as Macbeth,
because of course.
This means it’s Aaron’s job to light Alexander to perfection, and to watch as
he outshines everyone but Angelica, who more than holds her own as Lady
Macbeth. All that fast talking is paying off for Alexander, as he seems to have
an almost instinctual grasp of how to negotiate the complex language of the
play, and of course his natural charisma keeps all eyes on him. Especially
Aaron’s, who has to focus harder than he’s ever had to in the past to make sure
that he’s hitting all his lighting cues on time.
The performances fall right before the winter break, three shows. Aaron’s
foster parents can’t make any of them, and he doesn’t really care until,
sitting in the lighting booth giving the board a final check, he sees a couple
that must be the Washingtons wishing Alexander good luck before opening night.
Mr. Washington is a big man, who gives Alexander both a manly side hug, and a
kiss on the top of the head, and Ms. Washington is clearly giving Alexander a
pep talk as she straightens stray bits of his costume. Alexander smiles at
them, clearly reassured by their presence, even though before this moment Aaron
wouldn’t have said that Alexander was in need of reassurance. The whole scene
makes something old twist in Aaron’s stomach, not quite resentment anymore, but
maybe still jealousy or loneliness, and for a minute he can remember what it
felt like to despise Alexander. But then Alexander is pointing up to Aaron’s
lighting booth, clearly telling the Washingtons something about him, and they
both wave cheerily in his direction. He finds himself waving dumbly back, even
though they shouldn’t be able to see him at all in the dark of the booth.
During the performance, he can just barely see the Washingtons in the dim
theater, near the front, and, from what he can tell, delighted by Alexander’s
performance. At the end, the cast receives wave after wave of applause,
surprisingly enthusiastic for a Shakespearian tragedy, and they politely direct
the applause to the director and the crew. Alexander, flushed, sweaty, and
alight with the adrenaline of the performance, is the one who gestures up to
the lighting booth, and Aaron feels stupidly breathless as their eyes lock
across the theater. He swallows the feeling, and makes it through the last few
lighting changes needed to bring up the house lights, and make sure everything
is in place for the next show. They have two tomorrow, a matinee and the final
performance, so everything needs to be running just right.
Still, there’s only so much that needs tweaking, so eventually Aaron is forced
to join the madness backstage. Alexander is still mostly in costume, being
congratulated from every side, holding the giant bouquet of flowers that the
Washingtons gave him. People who normally have nothing to say to Aaron shake
his hand, and pat him on the back. It’s nice, and Aaron congratulates them
back, if more sincerely for some than others.
He’s gathering up his stuff to go, when Alexander finds him, “Aaron!”
“Alexander.”
He gestures towards Aaron’s backpack, “You’re leaving?”
Aaron shrugs, “Have to do it all over tomorrow. Twice. Sleep would be nice.”
Alexander smiles, “Practical as always. I wouldn’t want your amazing work to
suffer.”
Aaron hesitates, “I don’t know about me, but you were great.”
Alexander seems surprised, “Really? Thanks.”
Aaron laughs, “How are you surprised by that, there’s a whole horde of people
out there telling you how amazing you are.”
Alexander’s eyes are warm, and he’s smiling at Aaron, “Ah, but somehow when you
say it I believe it more. You always give me the truth.”
Aaron just shakes his head, and says his goodbyes, but the idea rattles around
his head the whole way home. It’s both correct and incorrect. Alexander is
right that Aaron doesn’t really sugarcoat for him, and that’s disturbing
because that makes Alexander the one exception to what is essentially Aaron’s
entire life philosophy. But it’s untrue, because Alexander doesn’t know how
much Aaron wants and has always wanted him. These two things are probably
connected, but Aaron doesn’t want to untangle how, or why, and in the end he
doesn’t get quite as much sleep as he planned that night. 
#
The final two shows go off as smoothly as could be hoped. Aaron’s lighting is
perfectly timed and balanced, and Alexander’s performance is just as
enthralling the second two times. At the end of the night there’s a party at
the Schuyler’s, but Aaron skips it, to Alexander’s deep disappointment, to go
home and make up his lost sleep.
Winter break starts halfway through the next week, and Aaron spends what he
hopes is his last awkward Christmas making nice with his foster family, and
polishing his college essays.
When school starts up again in January all the seniors are tense, focused on
finishing up applications, and settling into the long wait to hear back.
Conversations tend to focus on the strategies, and contingencies of school
application, devolving more often than not into mere comparisons of lists of
schools applied for and not. Alexander and Aaron avoid these types of
conversations when they share lunch, and Aaron isn’t even sure of any of the
schools that Alexander’s applied for, except for that he’s focused on the east
coast. Aaron has applied all over, all the top schools he could imagine himself
at, and a smattering of safety schools, but at this point he has no more desire
to discuss it than Alexander seems to.
Eventually all the major deadlines are past, and the senior class falls into a
sort of braced waiting. Into this Ms. Ross declares that their penultimate
history paper will be a group project. Aaron internally groans, but begins to
cast around the room for someone unobjectionable, when Alexander appears at his
side, “Can we work together?”
Aaron is momentarily confused until he notes that Angelica is apparently
working with Hercules. He’s not sure that Alexander has done a single group
project without her since he arrived, but, “Sure.”
Alexander smiles at Aaron, “Enthusiasm, I like it.”
Aaron smirks back, “I meant. Oh boy! Group project, my favorite.”
Alexander laughs and settles into the seat next to Aaron for Ms. Ross’s
explanation of the project, “That’s what I thought.”  
Working with Alexander is just as thrilling and frustrating as Aaron might have
imagined. Alexander is brilliant, and together they come up with a ton of ideas
and angles they might take on the project, but he’s also prone to arguing with
every suggestion Aaron makes, and all of his preferred research plans sound
like they would take a two-volume book to accomplish. Their debates start to
get a little loud, and for the first time in his career Aaron earns the ire of
the school librarian. As they are packing up for the day, Alexander says, “You
know, if you wanted, we could work on this after school at my place.”
He looks nervous as he makes the suggestion, and Aaron can’t blame him. There’s
definitely a part of Aaron that wants nothing less than to go to Alexander’s
home with its loving adoptive parents, but Aaron is eighteen in a month,
graduating in four, out of foster care in the fall, and Alexander looks not
only nervous but hopeful. “Okay, that could work,” Aaron finds himself saying.
Alexander seems excited, and promises to text him later with the details to
clear by his foster parents.
They end up meeting that Friday. It seems unlikely that Alexander wouldn’t have
anything to do on a Friday, but Aaron certainly doesn’t, so he avoids pointing
it out. Alexander had wheedled him into coming for dinner, and to “hang out”
afterward. Aaron has agreed, but he has a plan to remember a foster sister’s
fictional morning soccer game if needed.
The first part of the study session really isn’t any different from being in
the library, except that Alexander can argue as loudly as he wants without
disturbing any librarians or fellow students. Aaron is fairly successful in not
to thinking about the fact that they are alone in Alexander’s cozy house. He
only gets distracted twice, once by a piece of hair fallen out over Alexander’s
brow that Aaron wants to push back in place, and once when Alexander leans over
to show him something in a book, and his shoulder briefly brushes up against
Aaron’s. That’s not a bad record, especially since Alexander is in full debate
mode both times, and didn’t show any signs of noticing.
Of course, that’s not really the part that Aaron is worried about, he’s pretty
practiced at hiding inconvenient lusting from Alexander at this point, even if
it is a little more difficult without the intense dislike to motivate him. No,
the problem is that at 5:30 the Washingtons will get home and Aaron is in for
probably two hours of watching Alexander be loved in a way that Aaron won’t
ever have. He’s not sure how he’ll handle it. He does like Alexander, and on
that level he can’t help but be happy for him. On the other hand, historically
he hasn’t handled the situation well.
Alexander seems to sense that he’s nervous, although Aaron’s sure that he’s
too... not good, but maybe too focused of a person to ever fully understand how
something that someone else has could fill your chest with sick jealousy.
Still, Alexander appears to be working to keep Aaron engaged in the project,
and later during dinner he’s extra charming as if to offer Aaron a cover if he
needs it.
In the end, things actually go pretty well. The Washingtons are kind and
welcoming to Aaron, and for the most part their obvious affection for Alexander
doesn’t hurt as much as he feared. In a way, it’s not that different from how
he feels about Alexander, so it’s easy to feel a form of kinship with them, if
not the kind that they clearly share as a family unit. They ask about Aaron’s
college plans, - Ms. Washington turns out to be Dr. Washington, and she spends
a good ten minutes talking about possible science careers with Aaron. It’s
nice, even if her obvious, intense, intelligence does spark an aching resonance
with Aaron’s memory of his own mother. 
It’s probably because the dinner goes so well, that Aaron’s guard is down in
other ways. After dinner they go back to Alexander’s room, and Aaron spreads
the books out on the floor, leaning back into Alexander’s bed. Alexander had
been gathering drinks, but joins Aaron on the floor, sitting next to him. They
sit in a peaceable silence for a moment, Alexander, tilts his head back on the
edge of the mattress, looking up at the ceiling, “I always forget how you are
with other people, until I see it in action.”
Aaron can’t help studying the curve of Alexander’s throat, exposed in this
position, “You mean, polite?”
Alexander turns to look at Aaron, still resting against the bed, “Exactly.”
He’s smiling a warm smile, and Aaron can’t help but return it. The moment when
Aaron should have said something else, made a joke about Alexander not knowing
what politeness should look like, or at least turned back to the project, the
stacks of notes in front of them, passes. The next moment after that passes
too, and Aaron and Alexander are just staring at each other in the privacy of
Alexander’s bedroom, smiles faded away.
Aaron realizes that he’s given himself away. In a matter of seconds, something
he’s hidden for more than a year is out in the open, and he can’t pull it back.
He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, but Alexander is still just
watching him solemnly. And then Alexander reaches across the space in between
them and brushes the back of his fingers against Aaron’s knee, just briefly,
still watching Aaron closely.
It’s such a light touch, to be honest, Aaron can barely feel it, sees it more
than feels it, but it’s done with intent, and his breath catches. Alexander
seems to be gauging the effect of the touch, but Aaron feels stuck, unable to
say anything at all, or to respond in kind. Alexander opens his mouth to say
something, and Aaron is so focused on him that he can hear the small sound of
his lips parting. When Alexander does speak, it’s so low it’s almost a whisper,
as if he’s trying not to disturb the fragile tension between them, “What if I
said I wanted to kiss you?”
Aaron’s skin feels warm, “I would say...you should do that.”
Alexander smiles a little, but doesn’t move, “Do you want me to kiss you?”
Aaron nods, and then, aware that he’s made Alexander do most of the work here,
reaches out to take Alexander’s hand, rubbing his thumb along the skin that had
touched him a moment ago. Alexander turns his hand so that they can interlace
their fingers, and then sits up and slides a little closer to Aaron. He reaches
up with his other hand to touch Aaron’s face, thumb rubbing along Aaron’s
cheek, making Aaron’s eyes flutter shut for just a second.
Alexander stays there for a moment, waiting until Aaron is looking at him
again, before leaning in slowly. He seems to be giving Aaron time to back away,
but Aaron has wanted this for so long, and so he leans forward himself, closing
the gap. The first touch is just a light press of lips, close mouthed and dry,
but even so it makes Aaron’s heart leap. Alexander hasn’t backed away, so Aaron
presses more firmly, deepening the kiss, and Alexander responds eagerly,
leaning into Aaron.
They kiss like that until they need to stop to catch their breath, and then
stare at each other for a second, both breathing heavily. Alexander finally
says, “That seemed like a success?”
Aaron laughs once, “I thought so.”
Alexander is smiling at him again, “Good, good. Maybe we could try it again?”
“Oh my god, just get over here,” Aaron says, clutching at Alexander’s t-shirt
and tugging him closer. Alexander carefully shuffles over so he’s kneeling in
between Aaron’s legs. With his legs folded beneath him, he’s taller than Aaron,
and he smiles down, carefully cupping Aaron’s face in his hands before they
start kissing again.
Aaron leans up into the kiss, in the perfect position to spread his hands
around either side of Alexander’s waist, over his shirt. This time the kiss is
open mouthed and wet, and the feeling of being that close to Alexander is
intoxicating. After a bit, Aaron slides his arms further around Alexander’s
waist, suggesting that Alexander could press closer if he wants. Alexander
does, leaning into Aaron, trying to touch wherever they can. The angle isn’t
very good though, it’s impossible to get too close sitting as upright as they
are, so Aaron slouches lower, trying to get more of Alexander up against him,
his hands running up and down Alexander’s back.
Then Alexander is gentling the kiss and pulling back. He leans his forehead
against Aaron’s, his eyes closed, “Maybe we should stop for a second.”
Aaron tenses. His mind is already whirling away, coming up with the many
reasons why Alexander might be rejecting him.
“Hey, no,” Alexander is grabbing Aaron’s upper arm, leaning back so he can make
eye contact, “I want to do this again, but-“ Here he laughs a little self-
consciously, “Okay, maybe it’s just me, but I really like you, and I’d like to
do this right. This is probably too wacky, but I was thinking, date?”
Aaron looses some of the sudden tension, he’s not really been on a lot of
dates, but that’s a worry for another time, because if that’s something
Alexander wants then it’s manageable. “Well I thought, hey, I’ve already met
the parents.”
Alexander relaxes too, smiling his sunshine smile at Aaron again, “I can
understand how you might see it that way.”
Aaron studies him, “What do you consider to be an acceptable date.”
“Hmm,” Alexander sits back, unfolding from the kneeling position to a cross-
legged position, his knees just touching Aaron’s. “Well that depends on the
people involved. For you I’m thinking...stay in and watch a movie?”
“I sound like a party and a half,” Aaron grouses, but actually relieved.
“I think so,” Alexander’s smiling at him again, “Also if you can make it
tomorrow, my parents are going to be at a work thing until like ten.”
“You don’t seem very concerned about them being here now,” Aaron points out.
“They have enlightened attitudes about such things,” Alexander says breezily.
That should be comforting, but it raises a new issue, “Does that mean they
could be aware that we are not exactly working in here right now?”
“Considering that I didn’t know this was going to be happening, I’m not sure
how.”
“Parental super senses,” Aaron suggests.
“If we’re raising super senses as a possibility, than yes, anything is
possible.”
Aaron isn’t quite sure how he feels about that, so when Alexander suggests they
go back to working on the project he agrees readily. They actually manage to
get a fair bit done, and schedule their plans for tomorrow, Alexander promising
a pizza. Aaron is tugging on his coat to go, when Alexander pushes into his
space again, “Can I kiss you goodnight?”
Aaron nods helplessly, hands sliding back around Alexander’s waist. Standing,
they’re closer to the same height, and the angle of this kiss is different from
the earlier ones. They manage to keep it more or less brief. Afterward Aaron
takes a moment to put on a face that says something other than, ‘Your son is a
great kisser,’ and Alexander walks him to the front door.
Aaron’s walk home flies by, filed with the repeated giddy remembrance that
Alexander wants him too.
#
The next day the giddiness is somewhat overtaken with nerves. Aaron manages to
get his homework done not long after lunch, which leaves him with too much time
to think about the implications of a date, which are so much more than the
casual hookups of Aaron’s fantasies. However, in the time since the start of
those fantasies he’s gotten to know Alexander better, and today his daydreams
may involve things like hand-holding, debates that ended with kisses, and
always having someone with which to share the ideas usually buried under
“polite.”
He arrives at Alexander’s house precisely on time, priding himself on not
spending toomuch time fussing over what to wear. The Washingtons are already
gone, and Alexander greets him with another warm kiss that melts some of
Aaron’s tension. After pizza topping negotiations, the order is placed, and
Alexander brings up a new idea he had for the history paper, which starts a
fierce debate about the focus of their project. It’s not really like the dates
Aaron’s heard about, but anyone who’s met Alexander could tell you that his
quicksilver mind is as attractive as any other part of him, and the debate
ends, just like his daydreams, with a brief conciliatory kiss when the pizza
arrives.
They split the pizza at the couch, watching the film Alexander picked out. It’s
a good movie, but once the food is gone Aaron finds himself distracted by all
the places that Alexander is touching him, upper arms, and thighs pressed
together, and one of Alexander’s socked feet resting proprietarily on top of
Aaron’s. Finally he risks a glance over at Alexander, and notices that
Alexander seems distracted too, his eyes not on the screen, but on Aaron’s
mouth. Aaron, shifts, arm pulling away from Alexander’s, but body turning to
him, “Can I?”
Alexander nods, gaze dropping again to Aaron’s lips, and Aaron leans in. This
time their lips slot together that much easier than last, and Aaron’s mind
jumps forward imagining many more times meeting like this, each one better.
It’s slow at first, exploratory, but starts to speed up as they become more
familiar, and more comfortable. Alexander’s hands are on Aaron’s stomach,
running up to his chest and back down again in a restless pattern, and Aaron’s
hands are on Alexander’s back, feeling the muscles there shift in time with it.
Alexander pulls back, just a bit, and starts kissing his way to Aaron’s throat,
finding the most sensitive spot there almost immediately. Aaron can’t help the
slight sound that escapes him, or the way his head automatically tilts back to
allow Alexander access. The kisses send sparks along his entire body, and all
he wants now is for Alexander to be close. Aaron shifts, pulling his legs fully
up on the couch, and then lets Alexander settle on top of him. “Good?” he asks.
“Yeah,” Alexander replies, breathless. Alexander goes back to Aaron’s neck, and
it’s even better with Alexander’s weight pressed into him, touching chest to
chest, although Alexander is working to keep their hips apart. Aaron doesn’t
push the issue, instead touching Alexander’s hair, running a thumb along the
edge of his ear, causing a shiver to run through Alexander’s body. This means
Aaron has to try kissing the ear, with great results, and then the other, also
good results, before giving into the urge to press his mouth to Alexander’s
again. They kiss for what seems like ages, slow, then fast, then slow again.
Aaron is so hard in his pants, aching to come, but at the same time willing to
do this forever if it means getting to touch Alexander.
After a bit, Alexander leans back, and studies Aaron. His mouth is wet and red,
and Aaron wants to touch it, but he figures this is the cut off for the night,
and instead smiles at Alexander. Alexander seems to come to a decision about
something, “Do you want to check out my bed?”
Aaron’s first thought is one hundred percent yes, but he can’t help but ask,
“Do you want me to?”
Alexander smiles at him, “I think, since I asked you, it should be assumed.”
“Last I heard you wanted to ‘do this right,’ although I’ll be honest, I don’t
know what that entails.”
Alexander’s smile has widened, causing crinkles around his eyes, “Apparently
exactly one date.”
“We didn’t even leave the house.”
Alexander considers, “True enough. Tell me one thing, would you, after checking
out my bed, be willing to go on another date with me?”
Aaron tsks, “I don’t think you’ve been properly warned about the evils of men,
I could tell you anything right now.”
Alexander shakes his head, “I don’t believe that. You’ve always been honest
with me.”
Aaron feels the smile fall from his face, “Not really. I never told you about
this,” He gives into the urge to touch Alexander’s mouth, just briefly.
Alexander is watching him seriously, “See, that doesn’t make me think you’ll be
less likely to date me.”
“Maybe not.” Aaron focuses on Alexander’s eyes, not his mouth, “Yes, I would
still go out with you.”
Alexander nods once, “So. Do you want to check out my bed?”
Aaron smiles, “Yes, if you want me to.”
Alexander is already untangling himself and getting up, “Oh, I definitely want
you to.”
Alexander leads the way into the bedroom, and then without pause strips off his
shirt. He sits down on the edge of the bed to pull off his socks and shoes,
pointing to Aaron’s shirt, “You could take that off too.”
Aaron shucks off his footwear, and then pulls off his sweater, and then the t-
shirt under that, aware of Alexander watching him with dark eyes. He drops the
shirt on the floor and goes to stand next to Alexander, who takes his hand,
“So, this is my bed.”
“Very nice.”
“Thank you,” Alexander is sliding back on to the bed, and tugging on their
joined hands so that Aaron follows him, lowering himself on top of Alexander,
skin to skin for the first time. It’s electrifying, and Aaron slides up to
capture Alexander’s mouth, loving the friction of their skin together, and the
feeling of Alexander’s fingers pressing into Aaron’s back.
The kiss grows more frantic, and Alexander’s questing hands start to dip just
under the edge of Aaron’s waistband, testing the skin there. Aaron is as hard
as he was before. He can feel Alexander’s answering hardness pressing into his
hip, and he tentatively rocks closer. Alexander moans, and then he’s twisting,
rolling them so he’s on top of Aaron, shifting so that their erections are
aligned through their clothes, and thrusting his hips into Aaron. It feels
amazing, and Aaron groans, grabbing Alexander’s hips and pushing up to meet
him.
Aaron could come just from that, but Alexander slides slightly to Aaron’s side,
panting into Aaron’s neck, warm breath hitting that sensitive spot like a
touch, and his hand is resting on the button of Aaron’s jeans, “Can I?” Aaron
nods, and watches closely as Alexander fumbles them open and then slides his
hand into Aaron’s underwear, pulling them down. Aaron shifts, helping Alexander
pull the pants and underwear down and off, and then Alexander’s strong hand is
closing around him. Alexander begins a slow stroke, and then faster, seeming to
test which rhythm works best. Aaron obligingly gives his feedback in the form
of panting breaths, until Alexander hits the perfect stride, and Aaron’s eyes
slide shut, and his head tilts back, lost in the feeling. Alexander settles
closer, keeping up the motion of his hand, but now teasing that sensitive spot
below Aaron’s ear again, until Aaron is completely overcome by sensation, and
he’s tilting, tripping, falling over the edge in waves of pleasure. 
Aaron opens his eyes, taking in the sticky mess on his stomach and Alexander up
against his side, watching him with dark hungry eyes. He leans up to kiss him,
and Alexander responds eagerly, his hips working restlessly against Aaron.
Aaron reaches down, pushing at the edge of Alexander’s pants, and Alexander
takes the hint, breaking the kiss to fumble quickly out them. Aaron nudges him
back into the pillows, and just looks at him, from the dark hair on his rapidly
rising and falling chest, to his cock, hard and already leaking at the tip.
Aaron reaches for it, watching Alexander’s face now, as he slides his hand down
the shaft, using the wetness to smooth his way. The angle is different than
touching himself, but easy enough to adjust for, and he starts to try to work
out the grip and pattern that Alexander likes. Alexander reaches down, putting
his hand over Aaron’s and guiding him to go harder and faster. Aaron copies the
pattern and Alexander’s hand falls away. He pushes up to kiss Aaron again, and
Aaron leans down so that Alexander doesn’t have to strain, hand sliding up and
down on his hardness. Alexander’s kisses become sloppier, until he’s just
panting into Aaron’s mouth. Aaron bites softly on Alexander’s bottom lip, and
Alexander is moaning, body tensing, pulsing over Aaron’s hand and his own
stomach.
Aaron works him through it, and then takes his hand away, to admire Alexander
in the aftermath. He’s sweaty, and flushed, stomach covered in come, mouth red,
hair catching damply to his cheek. He’s easily the most beautiful sight that
Aaron has ever seen, and his heart twists in his chest to see it. Graduation
has always meant freedom to Aaron, but now, in this bed, he realizes that it’s
going to mean losing something he wants almost as much. He pushes that thought
away, catching Alexander for another kiss, languid this time.
After a bit, Alexander pads away for a washcloth, and they clean up and re-
dress, Alexander tying his hair back again. They sit side-by-side on the bed,
as they pull on their socks, and Alexander nudges Aaron with his shoulder,
“Still going on another date with me?” 
Aaron nudges back, “Yes.”
Alexander grins, “Awesome.” Then he’s fiddling with the edge of his shirt, “I’m
guessing you aren’t really planning on being out generally.”
Aaron pauses, but, “Not until I’m out of the system.”
“Yeah, I understand that,” and Alexander’s expression seems sincere, “But I was
wondering if I could tell my parents about us. They wouldn’t tell anyone, I
just don’t like keeping things from them.”
This Aaron considers carefully. Alexander clearly trusts them, and Aaron
doesn’t want his issues to get between Alexander and the Washingtons. “Okay,”
he says finally.
Alexander’s furrowed brow clears, “You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Aaron says, bumping Alexander’s shoulder again.
Alexander smiles at him, “You want to finish the movie?”
They restart the movie, which has played through to the end, and is now showing
the menu over and over in an annoying loop to the empty living room. Aaron
still isn’t sure he really absorbs the whole thing, but at least he could
probably summarize the plot this time. After, Alexander walks him to the door,
sending him off with a final slow kiss, and a promise to see him in school on
Monday.
#
Aaron is worried that it might be awkward at school on Monday, but since people
rarely pay Alexander and Aaron any attention now that the feud is over, it
really isn’t. The next month passes by faster than any month of Aaron’s life,
and his birthday, the all important eighteenth, is marked by more than an
awkward dinner with the foster family for the first time in years. True, this
second birthday celebration involves a still slightly awkward dinner with the
Washingtons, but it also involves some serious alone time with Alexander, so
Aaron can’t complain.
He was also worried that things might be strained with the Washingtons, but
they seem to take the news that he’s dating their son with the same general
happiness that they took the news of their friendship. Although later,
Alexander blushingly admits that it is possible that they already knew that he
had a crush on Aaron, so it isn’t quite the change in relationship from their
perspective that Aaron might have thought. This makes Aaron want to reevaluate
every interaction he’s had with them, but he tries to resist the urge. Overall,
they are welcoming and kind in a way that leaves Aaron with mixed feelings. The
bitter feeling of jealousy still tries to surface on occasion, but their
kindness to Aaron, and Alexander’s obvious happiness around them
counterbalances it.
Aaron’s struggle with mixed feelings about the Washingtons is the second
biggest problem in his relationship with Alexander. The biggest is, of course,
the looming separation brought by graduation. Aaron tries not to think about
it, but sometimes, often when he’s happiest with Alexander, or when he’s alone
at night, he can’t help but be reminded that this is all temporary. They could
try to do the long distance thing, but even if Alexander hadn’t broken up, at
least in part, with Laurens over this exact issue, Aaron wouldn’t have
suggested it. Better to have good memories of each other instead of resentment,
and better not to add the slow dissolution of something good to their memories
of their first year of college. Besides, they’ll only have been dating for a
few months by the time they graduate. It doesn’t seem logical to reshape all
their plans for something that short. At least, that’s what Aaron tells
himself, even though sometimes it feels both like he’s known Alexander forever,
and that he can see their shared future stretching far forward.
Aaron’s not sure if it makes it better or worse that Alexander seems to be on
the same page. His bright smiles sometimes slip as if something sad has
occurred to him, and Aaron occasionally catches Alexander watching him as if
trying to commit random moments to memory. It’s in mid-March that Alexander
finally brings it up. They’re in his bed, and they’ve been alternating between
class reading, and lazily making out, but are now just lying there, legs
overlapping. Alexander twists, propping his head up on one hand so he can look
at Aaron, “Do you ever think about what will happen when we go to college?”
Aaron looks at him, and then away, “Of course, but thinking doesn’t change
anything.”
Alexander reaches out, playing with the hem of Aaron’s shirt, “Do you know I
don’t even know what colleges you applied to?”
“I don’t know yours either,” Aaron point out.
“But- Did you apply to any east coast schools?” Alexander’s focused on where
his fingers are twisted in Aaron’s shirt.
“Yes,” Aaron says cautiously.
“Well what if we’ve applied to the same school, and we don’t even know it,” and
now Alexander is looking at him eyes wide and vulnerable.
Aaron hadn’t let himself think of this. “I-“ He sits up slowly, dislodging
Alexander’s hand, and Alexander follows him, watching anxiously. “I don’t
know.”
Alexander’s face falls, “You wouldn’t want to go to the same school as me.”
Aaron grabs his hand, “No! I mean, yes. Yes, I would, I just hadn’t thought of
that, and we don’t even know if-“
“We can just compare and-“
Alexander’s already moving off the bed, headed to his desk, but Aaron doesn’t
let go of his hand, stopping him. “Don’t.”
“Why?” Alexander asks, plaintively.
Aaron tries to gather his thoughts, “If- What if one of us doesn’t get into the
school we both applied for? I don’t- The whole rejection process is hard enough
without having to see every letter that comes as if it could be-“ He takes a
deep breath, “I think we should wait until the end of the month, we should have
our letters then, and then we can compare.”
Alexander is watching him, unsure, “If- I don’t- I don’t want to push you into
something that you don’t want. If you were planning on-“
Aaron tugs Alexander’s hand until he steps back into Aaron’s space, “Hey, no. I
want this, I just think we need to work with real possibilities, not maybes.”
He can’t say that he doesn’t think he could stand the feeling of a hope turning
out to be false.
Alexander is still assessing him, but nods, and then leans down for a kiss,
that turns into a tight desperate hug.
#
It’s easy enough for Aaron to say that they shouldn’t be thinking about their
acceptances in light of a future that might never happen, but he can’t help it.
As the acceptances start rolling in, each one is weighed against the chance
that Alexander might have applied there too – Stanford, UCLA, and Cal, useless;
University of Chicago, probably not; anything east of Ohio, maybe. Rejections
from these east coast maybes carry extra bitterness, even though they include
some of the most competitive schools Aaron has applied to.
It’s obvious that Alexander is thinking about it too, and there’s a strain in
their interactions. Each kiss seems desperate, like it could be the last, and
their conversation has gaps in it where they don’t talk about the future, or
about the folder on Alexander’s desk.
Finally, the day that all the major schools should have responded comes with a
flurry of last minute emails. Aaron writes out a list, trying not to worry
about the order. He runs his fingers over the names; wondering if there is a
future or an end in them. He folds it up and slides it into the pocket of his
coat. On the walk to Alexander’s, his hand keeps returning to the list,
touching it as if to make sure it’s there.
Alexander meets Aaron at the door, looking pale, and leads Aaron back to his
room silently. Aaron hangs his coat up, and unfolds the list, trying to smooth
out the creases. Alexander is holding his own list, carefully typed out and
printed, but shaking slightly, “Ready?”
Aaron nods, and holds out the paper, taking the one Alexander hands him in
exchange. For a second his eyes don’t want to focus, he feels more nervous
about reading this list than he did about taking the SAT, or about applying for
the schools in the first place. He forces himself to concentrate. Alexander has
gotten into a good number of schools, but it’s clear that they had different
focuses in their plans. Alexander has tried to stay close to home, focusing on
schools in the New York area, whereas Aaron went for prestige. Aaron skims over
the CUNYs and SUNYs, and then-
“Princeton,” Alexander is looking up from Aaron’s list, a smile breaking over
his face. “We both got into Princeton.”
Aaron feels like all the air has rushed back into the room, “We did.” He’s
smiling, but- “You can go, right? It’s expensive. I got scholarship money and-“
“Yes, yes,” Alexander is laughing, and then he’s hugging Aaron, and Aaron wraps
his arms around Alexander too, burying his face in Alexander’s neck.
Then Alexander is pulling back, “You want this right? This list is amazing, you
got into Harvard.”
Aaron brushes that aside, “Princeton is a great school. What about you? You
could go much closer to home.”
Alexander shakes his head, “I wouldn’t have applied if it was too far. I’m
sure. You’re sure?”
Aaron kisses him, “I’m sure.”
Alexander pushes Aaron back into the bed, smiling down at him, “Then we’re
going to Princeton.”
Aaron pulls him down to celebrate.
#
With their acceptances sent off to Princeton, the two biggest sources of stress
in Aaron’s life have evaporated. He’s headed off to a good school in the fall,
and Alexander will be there with him. With this newly assured future Aaron is
as happy as he’s been in a long time. He feels free when he’s with Alexander,
able to regard even the Washingtons without bitterness. They seem pleased for
both Aaron and Alexander, happy with the choice of Princeton. Dr. Washington
offers Aaron more advice on majors, even mentioning some information she’d
looked up earlier, which must have been just for Aaron since Alexander has no
interest in science degrees. He’s always thought that he would never really
have a family again, but he’s starting to consider that, in the far future of
course, he could have in-laws, and that would be worth having.
In this happy haze the rest of the school year passes, and then it’s
graduation. Aaron’s been looking forward to this moment for years, and it’s
even better than he thought it would be. The Washingtons are in the audience,
cheering just as loudly for him as Alexander, and afterward in the melee of
students and parents, they take pictures of Aaron and Alexander in their
graduation gowns, holding their diplomas, and smiling widely.
Alexander slides close to Aaron for the picture and whispers in his ear, “I
wish I could kiss you right now.”
Aaron turns to him, surprised. He’s never mentioned wanting something like that
since their one discussion of coming out.
Alexander is smiling; he doesn’t seem to be really upset, but... why not? Aaron
moves into Alexander, giving him time to back away if he didn’t mean it.
Alexander’s eyes widen, but he holds his ground, and then Aaron is kissing him
in front of their whole class, while Mr. Washington gleefully snaps another
photo.
Aaron vaguely hears John Adams’s incredulous, “Really?” float out from the
crowd, but he’s smiling at Alexander who looks stunned, but happy, “Princeton
here we come.”
“Yes,” Alexander says, and leans in for another kiss.
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