Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13101873.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      One_Direction_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Harry_Styles/Louis_Tomlinson
  Character:
      Louis_Tomlinson, Harry_Styles, Zayn_Malik, Liam_Payne, Niall_Horan, Simon
      Cowell, Dan_Wootton, Anne_Cox, Robin_Twist, James_Corden, Des_Styles
  Additional Tags:
      Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending, Heavy_Angst, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-
      Esteem_Issues, Self_Confidence_Issues, Top_Louis, Sad_Louis, Sub_Louis,
      Insecure_Louis, Innocent_Louis, Louis-centric, Happy_Harry, Orphan_Louis,
      Violence, Minor_Violence, Rape, Abuse, Mutual_Masturbation, First_Kiss,
      First_Time_Hand_Jobs, Young_Love, Tiny_Louis, It_Gets_Better
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-12-22 Updated: 2018-01-15 Chapters: 10/? Words: 72203
****** Featherlight ******
by louisfucksmeup57
Summary
     Louis is an orphan who is often abused and bullied. Harry is just a
     kid in school who wanted to help Louis with math but ended up falling
     in love with him. Louis fell too.
     ____
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Louis felt a terrifying wave of cold air wash over his half asleep body and he
pulled the blanket over his head as he curled himself up into a ball, wrapping
his arms around his knees as he blows into the blanket, wanting warmth but just
not getting enough of it.
And he wants to cry, but no tears fall down. And he wants to scream, but no
sound comes out.
Finally, surpressing his pain and emotions strongly enough, Louis uncurls
himself and throws the blanket off him, feeling a sharp pain course through his
arms and he wishes it didn't while at the same time he wishes the pain was
worse. Infinitely worse. But it's not.
Louis gets up from his bed and walks over to his broken mirror, watching his
cracked reflection and immeadiately regretting it because he looks ugly. His
arms are filled with scars, his stomach is fat, his eyes are droopy and faint
and he just wishes he could cut himself into pieces and lie down in the dirt as
life slowly pours out of him but he can't.
He really wants to and it's not like anyone would miss him, but he just...
Can't. Something just isn't letting him.
So he leaves the mirror alone once again and goes to the pile of semi clean
clothes, picking out some cackys, a red shirt, he throws a purple sweatshirt
over it to cover up the scars and he finishes with his only pair of TOMs, the
only shoes he's got.
He gets dressed and puts it all on and he runs a hand through his already messy
hair because he doesn't have a comb and he leaves his small room, walking out
into the bigger room where all the other kids sleep.
They never let Louis sleep in that room. Louis lives in a closet really because
as soon as he got here, nobody liked him so the masters just emtpied the closet
and set him up in there.
He wishes he could be with the other children because it was a lot warmer with
other but he knew he couldn't change it.
He slowly walked beside the kids, desperate to not wake anyone up because he's
always the one up early. He's always up early because he goes to bed early. The
other kids stay up till 10 to watch a TV show but Louis doesn't like the
crowded space so he goes to bed really early, before 9, and just sleeps until
dawn.
As he tiptoes across the room, he can hear chatter from the kitchen and he
hopes they won't yell at him again for being awake.
"Ugh again, Lewis?" Tamara scoffs as soon as he steps foot inside the kitchen
and he gringes at how she pronounces his name. His name is Loui but nobody
cares for that. He tried telling them a couple times before but they didn't
listen, only yelled, so he stopped correcting them.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep anymore." Louis said quietly and sat down on the
floor on his little cushion that used to say "Louis" on it but now it says "the
stupid one" and he's gotten quite used to that as well.
He knows he won't get food until everyone else is awake too which is still 2
houes away but he likes being in the kitchen because it's the warmest room in
the house and his closet is really cold, the coldest room in the house. Even
the basement is warmer because of the water boiler and other stuff like that
that he never gets to see because George doesn't let him go down there, afraid
he'll break something like he often does.
"Do you want your homework?" Tamara asked from where she was baking bread and
Louis gave her a faint "yes" only to have his bag thrown at him from across the
room as George tossed it from the door.
"Enjoy it, faggot." George said laughingly and left the kitchen, probably to go
touch Cara again. Cara is the youngest of the lot here and she's the most loved
one. By George especially.
Louis saw George touching her bum a few times before but George caught him
watching each time and he hit him to make sure he wouldn't tell.
But Louis wouldn't dare tell anyway because he knows no one will believe so he
always pretended like he knew nothing even though he knew almost everything
because it's like he's invisible and people often talk about stuff in front of
him. Sometimes they even insult him right there with him in the room but they
never notice and Louis never tells them.
So Louis opened his bag and took out his notebook which was just a pile of
papers at this point that were sowen together by Louis himself. He had to use a
thread from one of his own shirts and his cutting blade to do it but he did it
and he's very proud of himself.
All of his books and notebooks are like that except for one. There's one that
he keeps under his bed, hidden beneath the floorboards, near where the water
pipe runs. He keeps it there because no one wants to clean his room so he knows
no one will find it.
It's the one where he keeps little reminders for himself. Like people's names
and birthdays. And even the actual pronounciation of his name since he tends to
forget it sometimes too.
He takes his notebook and opens it slowly, carefully, not wanting to tear it
apart and he takes the green pen that he stole from someone at school because
Joe broke his, and he starts doing his math homework.
He's not good at math but then again, he's not really good at anything. He
tries hard though, probably the hardest of all the kids in the house because he
spends his days locked in his closet, studying in the dim light.
Louis is certain he needs glasses because he's constantly changing from areas
with different lighting but he'd never dare ask to go for an eye checkup as he
knows George will probably just slap him amd Tamara will mock him.
Tamara and George are his and the other kids' masters. They're their owners.
They make all the kids know them as masters and if anyone calls them anything
but, they get a beating and nobody really wants that.
***
Louis slowly finished up all of his homework and was done with revising by the
time the rest of the kids started waking up and coming to the kitchen, taking
their seat on the floor, all of which were all the way acorss the room from
Louis.
Everyone else got a plate of food while Louis got an old dog bowl as always and
it still had "Gordy" ingraved in it which is also a name they call Louis.
Everyone else got two bacon strips, an egg, and a slice of bread while Louis
got one stripe of bacon, one egg, and a half a slice.
Since Louis is the last one to get the food, he always gets what's left and
you'd think after so long, Tamara would know how many strips of bacon he needs
for the 15 children. But Louis never questioned it and he never complained, he
just accepted it like he accepts everything else.
"Who has an exam today?" a few kids raised their hands quietly and Tamara's
question, all of them grinning because it's all planned out.
See, the kid that has an exam, gets a chocolate bar for good luck and the kids
always plan out which kids get the chocolate on which day. They sometimes skip
a day or two to make it less suspicious. Louis never gets picked to get the
chocolate. Instead they just give him the wrapping paper and sometimes they
even make him eat it too.
Tamara smiles at them all and grabs 3 chocolate bars with the word "Mars"
written across it in red and she hands them to the kids who have exams. None of
them have exams today, only Louis does, but he doesn't dare say it.
Jenny, the girl nearest to Louis got her bar as well and she suddenly turned to
Louis, eyeing him carefully and Louis was terrified as he brown eyes scanned
his face. Suddenly, she spoke. "Want it?"
Everyone went dead silent. Nobody could believe someone was being nice to Louis
and neither could he. He wasn't used to this and he didn't know what to say. So
he didn't say anything, he just nodded quietly, avoiding her and everyone
else's eyes.
Before Louis could think, Jenny threw the bar directly at his forehead and it
bounced off it, straight back to her like a boomerang and everybody laughed as
Louis brought his hand up to softly rub his hurt forehead.
He should have known this was going to happen and maybe, on a subconscious
level, he did, but still it surprised him and he just wanted to disappear.
***
Louis stared at his empty plate as he sat in his usual seat in the far corner
of the school cafeteria where there was an old rusty table that no one sat at
but Louis and it was soon to be falling apart, the same as Louis.
The cafeteria was filled with chatter and laughter and Louis wished he could
have someone to make him laugh too but no one ever did. Louis rarely even
smiled but he never laughed. He just... Didn't really know how to.
So as he watched around the cafeteria, it full of kids that were happy and laid
back, Louis felt more loenly than ever and it was the same process repeated
every single day. It was always the same.
Lunch was his favorite part of the day actually because it was the one time
period when no one yelled at him or mocked him or anything because they were
all too busy stuffing their faces with their food to care about a young and
invisible, broken little Louis in the corner of the room with no food on his
plate and no love in his heart.
Louis shuddered a little for no reason and for a brief second, he caught golden
brown eyes from across the room, them being extremely terrifying to Louis
because he knew who they belonged to.
Zayn Malik.
Zayn Malik was probably the most popular person in the entire school even
though he spoke very little and only ever hung out with his 3 friends. Louis
didn't know their names. Everyone else did but no one ever told him and he
never asked so they remained a mystery, the same as Zayn.
He was just such a mystery and an adventure so complex to even try and explore
and people loved him for it for some reason. Girls were always gushing about
how handsome he is and boys always talked about how cool he looks.
Louis didn't think much of Zayn really. Sure he thought he was handsome but he
didn't really think too much of him. He didn't think too much of anyone really
because he already knows everyone hates him so what's the point in noticing
other people or thinking about them when they'd never, ever care about Louis?
Louis hated when the bell rang because it meant lunch was over and it was time
for torture.
He slowly got up and slung his backpack over his shoulder before setting his
untouched plate aside and leaving the cafeteria, wanting to be the first one
out so they wouldn't hurt him in the hallways.
He rush instantly to his next class and took his seat in the back of the room
right by the window because the corner of the room is strangely the only place
Louis could ever feel safe.
Louis was thankful to see Ms. Benson already sat at her desk because that meant
the kids wouldn't try and mess with him while she was in there. He wanted to
thank her but he knew if he did she'd ask what for and he didn't want to tell
the truth because she'd mock him but he didn't want to tell a lie either so he
thanked her in his mind and tugged at his sleeves in hopes to comfort himself
but as always, it didn't work.
Class soon started and Louis was trying his best to focus on the math being
scribbled across the blackboard but he just didn't understand it and he hated
himself for it. He really did. Everyone else seemed to be doing just fine with
it but Louis was just so behind and he didn't know anything. None of it made
sense to him. It was like a foreign language.
"Is there anything any of you don't understand?" Ms. Benson asked with a soft
smile and Louis wanted to raise his hand but he was too shy to. "Louis you?"
she asked, her eyes focused on Louis as well as all the other kids' and he was
petrified.
He didn't know how to respond. He wanted to scream yes and no at the same time
but instead he just hung his head low and hid himself behind his fringe, not
wanting to see everyone's faces as they laughed.
"I'll go over it once more just for the heck of it!" Ms. Benson said giddily
and slowly started explaining everything and Louis couldn't help but dart his
eyes to the board, this time observing it all more carefully and he was finally
getting a grip on the math.
As she finished up, she glanced at Louis with a question in her eyes and Louis
just gave a small nod. A tiny, little one that she could've just imagined but
she didn't and she acknowledged it with a soft smile before continuing with the
work, all of it still too complicated for Louis but at least he had a grasp on
the previous stuff so it'd be easier for him to revise when he gets home.
***
Louis was now walking home because he didn't want to ride the bus with the rest
of the kids. He gets enough of them at the house, he doesn't really need more.
Despite walking home, Louis always gets back before the others and he's always
quite happy about that because then he can just go straight to his room and not
be bothered or mocked or hit or any of the other things they do.
He slowly turned the corner, the last corner before he was home and as he did
it, he saw the bus stopping slowly on the other end of the street. Louis
panicked and started running towards the house to make sure he'd get there
before they did.
And he managed to do it. He ran into the house last minute just as he heard the
names they call him before he ran straight to his room and collapsing on the
bed.
He curled into himself and held his blanket tightly around him, wishing he
could be fine for once and that they didn't all hate him so much but they do.
Everyone does. And Louis just wished he could be used to it already. But he
wasn't and he probably never would be.
"Faggot come on out to play!" Dan laughed as he knocked on the door but Louis
knew what their "play" was like. Nobody liked Louis so it was easy for them to
hit him and such and no one would defend
him. Louis has gotten used to this sadly but still he avoids it.
What Louis loves about his little closet is that everyone hates him so much, no
one even wants to come inside. This way Louis has the most privacy out of
everyone in the house and it's how he gets away with the cutting and all that.
Soon half the house was knocking on Louis' door while Louis just kept quiet,
still curled up on the bed. He wanted to cry but he hasn't in so long, he's not
even sure he knows how to anymore.
Realising he wasn't going to answer and being too afraid to come inside,
everyone just left with a laughing sigh because they know he'll have to come
out sometime.
But that won't be tonight, Louis was sure of that because he wasn't going to
come out for dinner. He rarely ever does at this point, he used to before but
he doesn't anymore. He just doesn't want to see them anymore.
So once they were all gone and Louis knew it, he slid under his bed, creaking
open the floorboard and taking out his small box of what he calls supplies.
They're just little items that he keeps for himself. They're mostly all stolen
but he doesn't mind it.
Since it was dark under the bed, he had to feel up his blade and he cut his
finger on it like he always does. He hissed a little because it was unexpected
and then he took it out and bit on it with his teeth before putting the box
back into the floor.
Louis slowly crawled away from under the bed and sat down on the floor, his
back pressed against the bed. He took the blade from between his teeth and
cleaned it up a little with the hem of his shirt before taking off his blazer
and sliding up the sleeve of his dress shirt, revealing his ugly scars that he
hates so much already.
He didn't wait or hesitate before burrowing the blade in his skin. It wasn't
deep but it wasn't shallow either. It was just enough to make him feel pain and
for blood to slowly pour out. He hated it. Regardless though, he cut again, and
again, and a few more times.
He wanted to cry because it hurt, it really did hurt. But he just couldn't
bring himself to.
He cleaned the blade a little again and bit on it before taking the cloth he
keeps beside the bed, one already dirtied with blood and dust and God knows
what else. He used it to clean his arm of the blood and but he didn't slide his
sleeve back over the scars, knowing it'll be wet and bloodied if he did and his
dress shirt is white so he doesn't want to risk it.
Louis slowly crawled back under the bed and took the blade from in between his
teeth and hid it back inside the box before he again hid the box all together
and crawled back out.
Knowing, and deciding really, that he wasn't going back out there, Louis
stripped out of his clothes and laid under his not that comfortable blanket and
just closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep because he feels alright
when he's asleep.
Unless he has nightmares which he hopes he doesn't tonight.
***
"Leave me alone!" Louis screams but his voice comes out as only a faint, weak
whisper and he resents himself for how weak and stupid he is. He hates
everything about him just like he always does.
"Come here Lewis! Come here!" George sing-songs as he starts coming closer to
Louis and damn it all to hell if he isn't terrified out of his mind. Louis
starts taking steps back before he's running.
He's running fast but he's not running far. It's like he's frozen in his spot
and can't move or do anything at this point really. He's just stuck there but
his feet are running and his hands are moving in motion to push him on further
but all he feels are tears rolling down his cheeks before George finally
catches up to him with a grin.
"There you are my little sunflower." Geroge whispers eerily and Louis just
wants to push him away as he starts grabbing his arm but he can't move and he
can't speak so he just surrenders to George's touch like he always does. "Good
boy."
Despite it being a praise, Louis absolutely hates it because it sounds wrong.
So wrong in his ears. He doesn't want it and he can't stand it. It's so eery
coming from anyone but George just makes it so much worse.
"Are you gonna be a good boy for me again Lewis? Are you?" all Louis could do
was nod and George grinned before he pushed him down on the bed that was set up
in the middle of the room like always.
Louis laid there motionless and George grabbed the top of his ripped out jeans
before he slid them off Louis' legs, his underwear coming off as well.
George unzipped his fly and turned Louis on his stomach, making him stick his
bum out to him. He slapped it harshly and Louis whimpered but that's all he
could do. Just cry and whimper as Gergoe began slamming into him, making Louis
feel nauseous and disgusting.
Louis finally opened his eyes as he wrapped his arms around himself, crying
softly into his scarred arms and he hated the reoccuring nightmare.
He sobbed quietly and hated himself but he was thankful it was just a nightmare
and not reality, though Louis' sure this was just his mind and body preparing
for the innevitable realisation of his nightmare.
He began withering now too because he was so cold. Everyone else had two
blankets but Louis had one because they didn't have extra to give to him. He
didn't mind it that much throughtout the year but when it came to winter time
he actually had to sleep in clothes and he absolutely hated sleeping in
anything besides his underwear. He wasn't even comfortable in his underwear but
he didn't want to be completely naked in this bed.
Louis felt a little uncomfortable and simply naked now after that nightmare so
he got up from the bed and shuddered at the cold air before he pulled out a
pair of sweatpants and a green sweater that he only ever wears to sleep when he
has that nightmare or in the winter.
Green is his favorite colour but he doesn't have much that's green and at the
same time it's a blessing and a curse. He knows that if he had everything in
green, he'd become sick of the colour but he also wishes he had more of it
because the colour calms him down.
It's why he sleeps in it after the nightmare.
As Louis crawls back under his blanket, all he can really do is play with the
hem of his sweater and focus on it so he doesn't think about anything else. He
loves his sweater. It's his favorite one and it's a little big on him but he
likes the way it hugs his small body like that. It's comfy.
Louis' not sure he'll be going back to sleep anytime soon but he'll try.
***
Every day was like deja vu for Louis. He felt the same things and he heard the
same things and he did the same things and it was all just so repetetive. He's
been getting really annoyed with it all lately but it's not like he can do
anything about anything so never even tries, fully aware that there's no point.
So as he got up in the morning again, the process for the same day was exactly
the same as any other. He'd go to his mirror and hate himself, then he'd go to
the kitchen and be hated, then he'd go to school and be hated, and then he'd
come back and just sleep. It was always the same thing and he truly did hate
it.
No matter how much he hated it though, Louis knew he'd never be getting out of
this place.
He's not good enough for any job and has no skills or qualities, he's not smart
enough to go to uni, plus it's not like George and Tamara would ever even pay
for that, and it's not like he has any family to go to instead.
So he knows that he'll be stuck in this house for the rest of time until he
dies, curled up into himself in his little closet and no one will care enough
to go look for him.
The fact nobody cares about him makes him want to run away quite often but he
knows very well if he did run away, he'd either starve or be forced to come
back and then he'd just get beaten by everyone for being the way he is.
So come another day, the same as all others and Louis' now on his way to
school. He walks to school as well as from amd the morning air is quite
refreshing, especially because it's so early now and not many people are around
because they're either in cars, their homes, or already at work and Louis likes
the quiet of this neighborhood because he never get silence or peace so these
walks do him well.
His legs get tired about halfway there but he never rests as he doesn't want to
be late. So he just walks and walks and never stops until he reaches the school
which might as well be 3 heavens away. If not moving further away from him
every single day.
Today Louis felt sort of okay considering the nightmare but that was probably
because it's shower day. See, in the house they each get a shower day. Well,
no, they don't. Since there's 15 kids in the house, 2 shower each day and Louis
is left alone. Usually he'd mind it but he doesn't because it means he gets
more water than the rest and that's probably the only thing he has more of than
anyone else.
That and blood stained red shirts.
He loves wearing red because then if he stains the clothes with his blood after
he cuts, it won't really be that noticable so he's alright with that. And even
if it were noticable, he's the only one that has to wash his own clothes
because Tamara doesn't want to touch anything he owns so no one would really
ever see the blood stains.
Louis grips himself tighter as he nears the school and the sound of cheer, joy,
and laughter from his peers fills his ears and at the same time he wants it to
go away because he doesn't like that others are so happy while he's unhappy but
then again he doesn't want anyone ever feeling as unhappy as he's feeling so he
powers through it just like every day.
He slowly struts across the patch of grass leading up to the entrance, his step
featherlight on the ground beneath him because he doesn't want to disturb or
alarm anyone. He just wants to be invisble for right now.
Slowly, Louis enters the school and he feels cold. So cold, he feels, as he
struts the hallways slowly, his step still featherlight, still soft, nearly
levitating above the ground because he truly wants to stay invisble for as long
as possible. It's worked before, it has to now.
Finally, Louis reaches his classroom and sighs in relief as he slowly walks
over to his seat in the back by the window, feeling slightly bothered by the
fact the teacher isn't here yet so he knows he'll get mocked now or hit, or
both really.
The next person to walk through the door is Zayn Malik and the tension rises
immeadiately. Louis doesn't know where to look and he doesn't know what to do.
At this point Louis isn't even sure he knows how to breathe.
He doesn't know Zayn. No one really knows Zayn other than the 3 friends he's
always with. Zayn is vert quiet and secretive but then so is Louis so why do
people hate Louis for the same reason they love Zayn?
Louis used to be bothered by this but by now he's come to terms with the fact
absolutely everyone hates him and that he will forever be alone so he doesn't
care that much about anything anymore.
So, knowing it's for the best, Louis simply tugs at his sleeves and slumps
against the window to his right, cowering behind his fringe in hopes he'd be
invisble again.
But his plan didn't really work out how he wanted it to. In fact, it worked out
terribly for him because soon enough, he was surrounded by his classmates who
were all badgering him and were trying to hit him and some even tried touching
him lile George sometimes touches Cara and Louis felt really vulnurable and
scared but he couldn't do anything so he didn't and just took it all in until
the teacher finally showed up and shooed them away.
***
Louis already doesn't like math. And the fact he has an exam in it today makes
him dislike it even more.
He, of course, studied and gave it his best but like that's ever been enough.
He failed nearly all his tests and making up for the bad grades was really
difficult because it's not like he can magically learn what he failed to the
day of the exam.
So as he very rudely recieves his exam sheet from the person in front, he
instantly knows he will fail yet another test. He takes his answer sheet from
the edge of the table and, since he's the last one to always recieve the exam,
he begins writing down the answers, knowing full well he's got it all wrong so
it's no point really.
Soon enough, Louis finished as much of the exam as he could and he slowly stood
up to go and turn it in, his step once again featherlight as he focuses solely
on his steps and his fingers digging into the answer sheet he's holding.
He sets it down on Ms. Benson's desk and turns around to leave before she can
look up at him and speak like she way too often does and he just ends up
feeling embarrassed and broken because he can't really whisper as she won't
hear him so he has to speak a bit louder at which point everyone knows they're
having a conversation and Louis can't stand that.
As he slowly walked away, he heard Ms. Benson's painful sigh and he knew,
without her having to say anything, that he failed miserably and that he'll
have to stay after class to discuss his God awful grades.
***
"Louis, please know I'm not disappointed in you. I just want you to do better."
Ms. Benson said sympathetically as Louis closed the door after all the other
kids have left the classroom. It felt good for him to hear that at least
someone isn't disappointed in him but he thinks she's just saying that because
she knows Louis is a mess and would probably freak out if she said she was
disappointed in him.
"I'm trying my best." Louis said quietly, his voice broken and hopeless and he
just wanted to cry as he looked down at his feet.
"I know you are Louis and that's what I love about you. You try really hard and
it shows but if your grades keep going this way, come May and I'll have to hold
you back and I really don't want to do that because I know you can do better."
she said and stood up from her desk "And if you can't do it on your own, I've
scheduled for you to meet with one of my best students. I really think he could
help you."
Terrified, Louis shot his head up to look at a softly smiling Ms. Benson. She
really meant well but there was no way Louis could meet up with this person
because he knows they would hate him. Everyone hates him so what's the
difference here? And even worse, the first thing they'd know about Louis was
that he's stupid and sucks at math.
"I can't do that." Louis whispered, shaking his head in absolute horror and Ms.
Benson gave him another soft smile, this one laced with sympathy and
disappointment and Louis felt sick to his stomach.
"He'll be waiting for you in the library once school is done today. You can go
meet him or if you really don't want to, find me here and I'll tell him to go
home." she said and went to open the door for Louis. "You have a whole day to
think about this still. Just... Please consider yourself for once. You think a
lot but try using that for your own good for once okay? You're a good kid with
a good brain, please don't waste it."
And with that, she just went back to her desk and let Louis let himself out and
he did, feeling overwhelmed and panicked now having heard that she sees so much
in him that isn't even there. She has so many expectations but he won't ever
meet any of them because he's just simply not good enough.
Louis won't ever be good enough.
***
Just like Ms. Benson told him to, Louis has been thinking all day about whether
to meet this math person or not. He wants to because he knows he needs the help
but he doesn't want to because they will hate him and mock him and Louis will
want to cut again.
In the end, Louis knows he'll choose not to go and meet this person because he
doesn't want to be hit anymore and he knows he will be. He will always get hit
and mocked and ridiculed and it's what he's used to. He just knows that this is
nature's course. This is the way it's all supposed to go.
Which is why he's now walking to Ms. Benson classroom so he can tell her to
call off the meeting with this math person.
As he nears the classroom, he overhears Ms. Benson, seemingly talking on the
phone and at first it's strange to him and rude of him to eavesdrop, but then
he hears the mention of his name and the curiousity insode him won't let him be
a good person and leave.
"-yeah he's a really good kid. No he's not that good at math but he does try,
he really does. I think he has some trouble fitting in or maybe at home there's
some trouble but he's really detached and I don't want to push him. Yeah I hope
so too.
Yeah thank you for suggesting Harry, I never would've even thought of him. Plus
Harry is a really nice person too, maybe he'll make him feel a little better.
Yeah. I think he's gonna cancel on it though. I don't know why really, he just
doesn't strike me as someone who will except help or as you call it defeat so
easily. I just want him to do good. Jesus Christ John it's nothing like that,
he just reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age and I want him to have to
go through all that. No one deserves that, least of all a kid as good as he."
Louis blocked it out after that because a lot of things were going through his
mind and he just didn't want to focus on the wrong things.
She actually sees something good in him. She actually sees something good
in Louis of all people. Why? Louis doesn't think he'll ever understand why she
sees anythung good in him but he doesn't want to further disappoint her.
Someone sees something good in him. Something that's worth fighting for and
Louis doesn't want her to stop seeing it. As much as he hates how much she
interacts with him and how she talks to a stranger on the phone about him, he
doesn't want to lose the only person he's ever met that's not mean to him.
So he walks right past her classroom and heads for the staircase that leads up
to the library and he's determined this is what he wants.
As soon as he reaches the door though, he just wants to either turn around or
pass out.
He's not ready for this. He can't do this. They'll be mean to him and they'll
hit him and they'll mock him and he'll be a mess even more so than before. He
hates himself and he knows everyone else does too and he just doesn't think he
can do this. Just meet another person and let them know straight up that he's
stupid and sucks at math.
That he's not good enough because he's not smart.
Regardless of his panic though, Louis slowly opens the door of the library, his
step featherlight and soft again because this is the library after all.
As he steps inside, the only person there besides the librarian is someone with
curly hair but their back is toward Louis so he doesn't know who that is. Not
like he'd know if he could see their face.
As if sensing Louis, they immeadiately turn around and Louis doesn't understand
how they heard him when he's invisble. He keeps his step featherlight always
because he doesn't want to be heard or seen but here is this boy, staring back
at him and for the first time ever, someone actually noticed him while he was
invisible to the rest of the world. Even as the boy turned around, the
librarian didn't even notice Louis so how did he?
"Are you Louis?" the boy asked and the first thing other than his curly hair
that Louis noticed were his eyes. His green eyes. His Louis' favorite
colour eyes. He actually had green eyes. How in the universe is this ever
possible?
Louis gulped and nodded slowly as he approached the boy, still desperately
trying to be invisble but it just wasn't working with this curly creature. Why
wasn't it working? Why couldn't he be invisble to him? Just why?
"I'm Harry." The boy smiled and extended his hand for Louis to shake. Louis
didn't really know how to shake hands so his grip was really weak and cowardish
but Harry either didn't notice it or was too polite to acknowledge it. "Ms.
Benson said you're not the best in math so I'm here to help."
Harry was still smiling even after he saw Louis' face and he hasn't hit him
yet. Why wasn't he mean? Why wasn't he a dickhead like everyone else Louis has
ever met? Why is a complete stranger suddenly nice to him? Why?
Louis sat down two seats away from Harry who gently laughed. "I can't teach you
much if you're that far away. Don't be scared of me please, I promise I don't
bite." Louis still couldn't understand why he wasn't being mean yet. "Okay let
me start you off with a joke. Knock knock."
"Who's there?" Louis' voice was a whisper as always and Harry just smiled. He
didn't mock him, he didn't get mad, he just... Smiled. Why wasn't he mean?
Louis sort of wanted him to be mean because he's not used to people not being
mean to him.
"Algy."
"Algy who?"
"Algy-bra." The joke was from funny to Louis so he just stared blankly, unsure
really what to do now. Harry laughed a little himself but all Louis could focus
on was the fact that he still wasn't being mean to him.
Absentmindedly, Louis asked why this was.
The response, however, surprised him quite a bit. "Why would I be mean to you
we just met?"
"That didn't stop anyone before." Louis said sadly and Harry gave him a sad
smile.
"Well I won't be mean to you. I promise I will only treat you with kindness
okay?" Louis nodded somewhat and moved closer to Harry, still keeping one chair
distance between them.
***
This is about the 5th time that Louis has met up with Harry in the library to
study math and, surprisingly, Harry actually managed to teach him something.
Louis still keeps one chair distance between them as he's afraid of being
closer to him which will grant him permission to be mean to him like Louis
knows he wants to be because everyone else is.
"You're getting much better Louis. I'm proud of you for that." Louis felt his
chest tighten at Harry's words and soft tone and he wanted the feeling to go
away because it was making him feel ill and he hates feeling ill.
"You are?" Louis just had to ask because he just didn't believe him. He didn't
believe that anybody could ever think Louis wasn't a complete mess that
everyone hated and wanted dead. He just could not believe that anybody would
ever say they're proud of him and mean it because he's never, ever heard those
words directed at him before.
He fidgeted with his sleeve, avoiding Harry's eyes as he laughs and tell him
that he's not proud and won't ever be proud of him. He just needed him to be
mean to him. It's all he needed.
"Of course I am." Harry said, as if offended by Louis' assumption. "Why
wouldn't I be?" Louis wanted to answer him and tell him there's nothing to be
proud of and that no one's ever been proud of him for anything but he just kept
his mouth shut because he didn't want to be annoying and he didn't want it to
look like he was fishing for compliments.
"Listen, Louis, I completely understand if you don't want to but I'd like you
to join me and my friends at lunch tomorrow. I've told them how nice you are
and I even told them the joke you told me the other day and they really want to
meet you. I don't want to pressure you but it kind of hurts seeing you sitting
there on your own." Harry's voice was so soft yet so deep as he spoke and Louis
could listen to it for forever because it was just so relaxing. So calming.
Louis gave Harry's suggestion a lot of thought. He really did. He wanted to for
once just not sit on his own during lunch. To just have a distraction. And as
he selfishly wished that for himself, it all slowly fell into place. Louis saw
Harry before. He saw him every single day in fact. Him and his friends. Because
their table was exactly  opposite Louis' and he knew everyone's eyes were
always on that table as well.
Harry was friends with Zayn. Harry was friends with the most popular kid in
school.
As quickly as he realised it, Louis shook his head aggressively and said about
a billion "no's" in one breath because he just didn't want the whole school's
eyes on him during the one hour of the day he can actually breathe.
"Alright, calm down." Harry cooed softly and his hand was twitching slightly on
the table as if he wanted to touch Louis but knew Louis would just freak out.
Feeling digustingly curageous, Louis snapped his hand in Harry's, selfishly
desperate for comfort.
Harry smiled softly as soon as the contact was made and he squeezed Louis' hand
tighter before he could retreat it. Harry gripped even tighter and he didn't
say anything. He just held deep eye contact with Louis that, surprisingly,
didn't make Louis pass out or look away. It must be the green in his eyes that
slowly began calming him and Louis was slowly feeling alright.
"You're okay." Harry gave him two more light squeezes and a bright smile. One
so kind and so peaceful that Louis felt he could actually smile back. He hasn't
smiled in a long time and he actually... Wanted to now.
He twitched his lips a little, focusing on making a smile and slowly, it broke
out. He couldn't see himself so he didn't know what he looked like still he
knew it was crooked and weird but it was his first one in years and he felt
proud of himself even though he knew it was wrong to.
"You have a beautiful smile, Louis. You should smile more often." Harry all but
whispered softly and his smile grew a little, his hand still gripping Louis'
tightly.
***
Because of his and Harry's study sessions at the library, Louis has been coming
home later than everybody else which gave them the opportunity to torment him
since the little window he has in his closet isn't big enough for him to fit
through and sneak it.
He used to be able to fit just fine but as he got older, he got bigger too and
he can't fit there anymore. Or at least he doesn't think he can because he
hasn't even tried it in a while so he's not even sure.
So as he enters the house later than usual, he's not surprised when the doors
snap shut straight in his face. This has to be Dan's doing and no one else's
because he's the most known for hitting Louis the hardest and rigging the door
with string so if you open them wide enough, they snap shut straight in your
face.
Already used to it, Louis barely reacts on the outside while he's crying on the
inside because a heavy wooden door slamming into you really hurt. They really
do.
Everyone laughs as Louis walks inside and heads for his room but he should
already know by now that things aren't that easy for him and he trips over a
piece of string that was placed right where the lounge room meets the
children's room. Right over the stairs.
Louis tumbles down the stairs and falls flat on his face on the wooden floor
and it takes everything in him not to react to the obvious pain because they
feed off it.
Before he can get up though, it's Dan and Simon kicking him into the floor. Dan
has the face and Simon has the stomach and ribs and they make a wonderful team
as the other kids laugh and keep guard so Tamara wouldn't see them. Though even
if she did, Louis is sure she'd turn the blind eye only because it's Louis and
he deserves it.
Once they saw that Louis wasn't crying and screaming, or even reacting to the
pain like he used to, they gave up with a laughing sigh and gave him one last
kick each before everyone scattered around the house, leaving him bruised and
hurt and simply, alone.
With trembling legs and tear filled eyes, Louis slowly picked himself up and
went straight to his room.
He took his uniform off and threw it on the floor before he went to his mirror.
He looked more ugly then ever. There were bruises forming on his face, chest,
and stomach, the newest scars on his arms were slowly seeping with blood
because Simon's kicking reopened nearly all of them.
And finally as he looked at his hurt self, he started feeling the pain. He
started feeling the pain of everything. From all they've ever said to all
they've ever done and it simply became unbearable but it felt strangely good
because he knew he deserved every little bit of it.
So he started hurting himself more. He harshly pressed his fingers into the
forming bruises and dug deep, making sure it hurt until his eyes watered. He
then started hitting his bleeding arms, blood splattering around him but he
didn't care. Couldn't care, in fact.
He saw and felt his tears slowly rolling down his cheeks but they meant
nothing. They meant not a single thing to him as he ran to the nearest wall and
slammed his forehead against it, desperate for pain.
He did it a few more times, each harder than the one before and a really strong
headache started edging on so he stopped because the headache would be pain
enough.
He took his bloodied cloth and cleaned his arms before he laid down under his
blanket and just went to sleep.
He knew he wouldn't fall asleep right away, especially not when in pain so he
imagined green. Everything he saw was green. A very specific shade of green
actually, the one that shines in Harry's eyes. The exact one that shone when
Harry told him he had a beautiful smile. That shade. That one. As of today,
Louis' favorite one.
 
***** Chapter 2 *****
Louis' head was throbbing as he slowly opened his eyes in the morning. It hurt
the same as the rest of his body. He was in great pain and there wasn't much he
could really do about it. Plus he deserved it too.
Slowly, he got up from his bed and he took one look in the mirror before he
collapsed on the ground, his legs hurting too much to stand, his ribs too
bruised for him to breathe properly. His lip was cut and two black eyes were
now showing quite a bit. A lot more than yesterday anyways.
His arms probably hurt the most of all though. The pain was unimaginable
really. It hurt and it hurt a lot.
"I deserve it." Louis kept telling himself as he crawled under the bed to get
his box. From it he took his concealer. He stole it from a girl a few weeks ago
and at first he felt bad but he knew he didn't have the money to buy it himself
and the girl certainly looked like she did so he consoled himself with that.
He crawled back to his mirror and started putting the concealer around his eyes
to cover up the black around them. The colour didn't match his face all too
well but he knew nobody would ever care or look at him long enough to notice so
he slowly stood back on his feet, his knees almost buckling down again, and
went over to his pile of semi clean clothes and put on a random white shirt and
cackies as well as his TOMs.
Since he didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone until absolutely
neccessariy, Louis just stayed in his room, studying. He wasn't hungry and he
didn't feel like doing anything at all but studying. And for some reason, math
was what he wanted to study first.
Harry really has helped him grasp math a little better. He didn't think it was
possible for him to understand math but he does. He understands it now and he's
really grateful that Ms. Benson arranged that whole thing.
He hasn't thanked her yet properly as he's too scared to but he thinks she
knows he's grateful for it all. Or at least he's hoping she does because he
doesn't want to be an asshole.
He wishes Harry was as good at other subjects as he is at math so maybe he
could help Louis get the rest of his grades up too but as he found out, Harry
tries really hard as well but he's not perfect at everything. But he tries and
that's admirable.
The thing Louis so far likes the most about Harry would have to be his eyes. Or
his curls. Or his voice. Or simply just how nice he is to Louis. He's never
mean to him and his voice is always so soft and honest when he speaks to Louis.
He constantly says that he's proud of him and that nearly makes Louis cry each
time because he doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve somebody liking him
and yet it seems like it's happening now.
Louis couldn't help smile to himself as he thought of Harry and he started
doodling the letter H all over his notebook absentmindedly, only to remember
halfway through that Harry was going to see it the next time they study
together.
Feeling panicked enough, Louis added the letters "MAT" to each "H" so it would
turn out to be "MATH" and although it wasn't the best cover up, it was better
than being creepy and doodling your tutor's initials all over your notebook
like the mess that Louis is does.
***
Louis slowly walked into the cafeteria, his step again featherlight so he'd be
invisble and he was invisble to nearly everyone.
There was exactly 8 pairs of eyes staring directly at him, all hiding soft
smiles as their different colours stared back at Louis in... Wonder it seemed.
Out of the sea of brown and blue, Louis recognized Harry's eyes immeadiately
and he froze in his spot. The people watching him, the only people he failed to
be invisble to, were Harry and his friends. They were just... There... Staring
back at him with warm smiles and they weren't even talking, they were all
just... Watching.
Louis started panicking inside because he couldn't move and he couldn't look
away and he just didn't know what to do now. One part of him wanted to go over
and meet them, another wanted to turn around and take his usual seat while
another, the biggest part of Louis, simply wanted to die. He just did.
But he didn't listen to that part of him or the one that wanted ti be
disgustingly curageous and instead, Louis went and sat down at his own table,
in his usual seat, trying his best to avoid their eyes. He just couldn't deal
with that.
But even still, something wouldn't let him keep still and he had to look up,
immeadiately catching Harry's eyes as he smiled softly. Louis flicked his eyes
to Harry's lips because he saw them move and he could faintly read the words
"I'm proud" being mouthed before Harry smiled warmly again and simply went back
to his food.
Louis didn't even know what to think of Harry constantly being proud of him.
Was there a message Louis was missing? Was it a mantra of some sort? Was it
because Harry knew no one ever said it to Louis before? Is it because he felt
his chest tighten too when he said the words? Doe she think Louis is strong so
he's proud?
So many questions were running through Louis' mind and he had answers to none
of those which made him even more hopeless than he already was.
***
As Louis entered the library he noticed Harry wasn't there yet and although
that's a completely normal thing because people can be late, Louis immeadiately
started panicking and biting his nails because he already had himself convinced
that Harry now hated him because he didn't want to sit with him at lunch today.
Or yesterday. Or the day before that or the day before which is when Harry
initially asked.
Still, some weird part of Louis decided not to panic and gave Harry the benefit
of the doubt as Louis slowly walked over to their usual table and he took his
seat, the one always at a certain distance from Harry.
Louis feels he's been getting more and more comfortable with Harry these days
and he doesn't know yet if that's a good or bad thing. He hasn't been
comfortable with anyone pretty much ever so to know now that Harry's making
Louis stay calm but freaked out at the same time is taking a certain toll on
him because he can't stop thinking about Harry and why he hasn't been mean to
him yet.
The best explaination Louis has is that he's waiting for Louis to get overly
comfortable because being mean then will hurt far more than Dan's or Simon's
kicks and punches ever could. More than George ever could. And that's because
Louis feels he actually likes Harry in a way but he hates Simon, Dan, and
George from the pits of his heart.
Nearly ten minutes went by and Harry was still nowhere in sight and Louis was
now sure Harry hated him too just like everyone else did. He knew it was bound
to happen but he wished it didn't make his chest feel as tight as it did
because it makes his stomach sick and he hates that feeling a lot.
Just as Louis began packing up all his stuff, the door creaked open and Louis
turned to see Harry sheepishly peaking through with apologetic eyes that Louis
in the moment hated despite their colour.
Louis really wanted to pack up and leave but he just couldn't move. He was
completely frozen and he hated that Harry has this effect on him. It actually
happens on so many things. He makes him freeze, he disables his ability to be
invisble, he even made him smile. Harry is a work of art for sure and Louis
hates that right now.
"I'm really sorry I'm late, I got held back in History." Harry mumbled quietly
as he slowly walked over to where Louis was still sat, frozen. Harry held a
soft smile and an apologetic look on his face and it made Louis feel angry for
some reason and he really couldn't explain why he was suddenly feeling so many
things when he's been numb for years.
"Nice joke." Louis scoffed and he smacked his hands against his mouth,
realising that was rude and he can't really be rude when Harry hasn't been mean
yet so it doesn't really make sense.
Harry furrowed his eyebrows "Joke? Oh-" Harry burst into laughter and Louis
couldn't help savor the sound because it was just so... Nice. "I meant the
class Louis not like history as in the past." Harry explained through laughter
and sat down in his usual seat, still looking apologetic and Louis wondered why
Harry expressed his emotions so clearly on his face. It didn't make sense to
him. "I'm really sorry I was late, Louis."
Louis could hear the sincerity in his voice though he wished he couldn't
because then maybe his chest wouldn't feel tight again like they do, a little
way too often. "It's alright." Louis whispered and it felt strange for him to
whisper around Harry because he hasn't whispered around him in a bit.
It was obvious Harry was now sad because Louis went back to whispering but that
was like a coping mechanism for pain for Louis and he couldn't help it. "It's
not alright, I really am sorry."
Knowing Harry wouldn't shut up about it until Louis spoke again, Louis boldly
cleared his throat and said. "It's alright let's get a move on." and despite it
sounding rude, Harry was more than pleased with Louis' sudden confidence as he
smiled brightly at him.
"There we go." Harry giggled and took out his book and notebook as well and
they slowly went to work.
***
"I promise you they will like you. They already do!" Harry kept encouraging as
he and Louis strutted the halls of their school to go outside where Harry's
friends were waiting for them.
Louis finally said yes to having lunch with them but only if they did it... Not
in the cafeteria since the whole school is there and he doesn't want anyone's
eyes on him which would be difficult to achieve if he's sitting with the most
popular kid in school.
Finally, Harry burst open the door to outside where all the benches and tables
were. Late October was probably a really bad time to go and eat outaide but
Harry said neither he or his friends minded the cold. Louis could swear he was
lying to spars Louis the pain but if only he knew Louis was more than used to
pain.
As soon as they stepped outside, Louis realised it was actually incredibly cold
and really windy so it'd be impossible to hold a conversation if you can't hear
shit the other person is saying. But Louis has come so far now, he didn't want
to disappoint and back down.
Harry's had Louis feeling pretty bold lately and he doesn't understand why that
is, he just knows it is.
They slowly started walking to the section of the parking lot where the benches
were and Harry could see Harry's friends all laughing and eating like it wasn't
windy and cold. Like they weren't annoyed that Louis is such an annoying mess.
As if they could sense him again, they all stopped laughing and they looked up
just as Louis and Harry approached them. They all smiled softly and a blond,
shorter one was the first to get up, coming all the way around the table to...
Embrace? Louis...
Louis was now being suffocated because he'd never experienced this. He's seen
so many people do it all the time, even kids in the house, but no one ever did
it to him. Regardless of how he couldn't breathe, Louis felt good. He felt...
Safe. And... Comfortable. Slowly, Louis put his hands on the boy's back and
just held, unsure really how this action worked.
The boy let go and smiled brightly at Louis who was trying hard now not to
faint. "I'm Niall. I'm sorry if that was too much but I love hugging people."
Niall's cheeks tinted pink as he explained himself and Louis now realised that
what they shared was a hug. Louis' first hug.
"I'm Louis." Louis whispered but Niall smiled like he could hear him perfectly.
Niall slowly went back around the table and sat down next to the boy with brown
hair and soft brown eyes next to whom was Zayn who, for what was the first time
to Louis, was actually smiling a genuine smile.
"I'm Zayn." he said, his voice gentle and Louis nodded, unsure whether to
extend his hand or not. In the end, a certain very stupid part of him decided
to extend it and Zayn shook it with a smile.
"I'm Liam." said the boy sat in between Niall and Zayn and Louis shook his hand
too, whispering his name again but it's like they both heard him perfectly.
Once Louis was acquainted with them, Harry suggested for them to sit down and
they did. They sat across the three boys and Harry respectfully kept a
diastance between them which Louis was grateful for even though he wished Harry
was closer because he radiated warmth and Louis tends to get cold easily.
They slowly began talking and Louis was glad they weren't pushing him with
questions about his "family life" since he doesn't have that and he knows
they'd hate him if they knew he was an orphan.
So he avoided the topic like the pleague and just listened to the boys talk
about themselves and about how Harry's already told them a lot about him which
was pretty much nothing actually because Louis is very secretive and the things
he told Harry are only small things that are already obvious on him.
Louis was confused as to why he hasn't started panicking yet but he didn't mind
it. He questioned it a bit but he didn't mind it. He actually loved that he was
somewhat calm despite being around strangers. It's defenitely a first for him
but he's quite alright with it.
"Louis we've been talking about ourseleves this whole time why didn't you
interrupt us?" Liam said embarrassed clearly and Louis looked down, feeling he
disappointed them now like he knew he would.
"I don't mind listening." Louis whispered and it's as if Harry could just feel
it again. Louis turned to look at Harry who was smiling softly but his eyes
held a bit of sadness yet hope and Louis didn't want to disappoint him too. He
didn't want to be that big of a disappointment even though he knows he already
is.
"You sure? You don't wanna talk about yourself?" Niall asked and Louis clenched
his eyes shut, focusing on making his voice at least a little louder than a
whisper.
"Not really." Louis said normally and he could feel Harry smiling at him which
just made his chest fill with fire and he couldn't explain why this was. He
just knew it was. Slowly, Louis opened his eyes again and just like he sensed
it, Harry was smiling softly at him, his eyes filled with a known pride and
Louis wanted to smile again but he didn't think he could so he didn't.
Plus the first person Louis smiled for in years was Harry and he didn't want to
taint that intimacy by smiling all the time for everyone else. Not when it took
so much energy to do it.
***
This is the first time that Louis and Harry walked to the library together
which happened on complete accident because Harry caught up with Louis in the
hallway as Louis was heading there on his own.
Louis doesn't like that he's feeling so much now all of a sudden. He's been
feeling really hot all day and he couldn't explain why. It was just a constant
state that his skin was in. And not even just his skin. His chest has been
feeling tight as well but he relates that more to the bruises and what not.
Especially since Dan and Simon keep kicking him every single day because he
arrives late.
It's the price to pay for a better grade but Louis is used to it and he
deserves it anyways so he tries not to think about it. Even if it gets really
hard to breathe at times and he has to stop everything he's doing. It happens
often and sometimes he thinks he's going to faint but he just ignores it the
best he can and that's that.
"Your exam is coming up isn't it?" Harry asks, his voice low and soft and Louis
just wanted to listen to him speak because for as long as Harry's speaking,
Louis can't really feel the pain all that much. Well, he can still feel his
chest tighten and burn but he can't feel his legs or his arms or his black eyes
or even his cut and chapped lips.
"It is." Louis said and they finally arrived at the library and Louis decided
to show Harry that despite being an orphan, he has some manners so he opened
the door for Harry and let him in first.
"Thank you." Harry said and Louis completely missed his cheeks tinting with a
light shade of red, almost pink.
They went over to their usual table and, already feeling bold because Harry's
near him, Louis decided today was the day to cut the distance between them
short.
He pulled out the chair that was usually left empty and Harry looked up at him
in surprise but then he smiled and pride once again shone in the green of his
eyes and Louis focused on forming a smile again. He focused really hard and it
slowly broke. It took Louis a lot longer to smile than it took other people but
it's because other people did it instinctively but Louis had to force himself
to do it.
Once he finally managed to break a smile Harry shot up from his seat, as if
unable to sit still anymore and he folded Louis in his arms, giving Louis his
second hug ever.
This time, despite still being caught off guard, Louis relaxed into the touch
and melted inside Harry's arms. He closed his eyes and breathed Harry in,
despite breathing being really difficult and painful. He wrapped his arms
around Harry's back and just held on tight. He wasn't sure if this is how hugs
work but he's seen enough people share them to know that they behave similar to
this.
Harry didn't say anything, he just held Louis there with his head burrowed in
the crook of Louis neck and Louis could feel his soft warm breath blowing on
the slightly exposed skin there.
Louis didn't want to let go yet but he didn't want to be a burden on Harry
either so he pushed Harry away lightly and sat down, avoiding Harry's eyes but
he could feel both Harry's smile and the pride in his eyes and that made Louis
feel warm all over again and he wanted to smile again but it really took a lot
of focus and energy and he wanted to give that to math rather than smiling.
***
"It's a B, Harry! I got a B!" Louis gloated excitedly as he burst into the
library once school had ended and Harry didn't even have to turn around for
Louis to know he was smiling really wide.
But still, Harry turned around and just as he stood up, Louis hugged him. He
didn't know why, he just knew he did.
The problem with the hug now was that Harry wasn't hugging him back. His arms
swayed limply by his side and Louis began feeling his chest tighten and his
eyes water with tears. He should've known Harry was going to start being mean
just as Louis got comfortable enough to not whisper anymore.
And as Louis was about to let go and push away, feeling hurt and broken, he
felt Harry wrap his arms around him, holding him tighter than he was the last
time they hugged and he once more burrowed his head in Louis' neck because it
fit perfectly there. Their height difference made it fit there so perfectly,
Louis felt he could fall asleep from it.
Louis melted into Harry's touch again and he began thinking that maybe Harry
wasn't mean. He doesn't know why Harry hesitated to hug him back but he's doing
it now and that's all Louis cares about because for as long as Harry's hugging
him, Louis doesn't feel the pain of his innevitably broken ribs or his black
eyes or his bruised and scarred arms or anything really. Louis just can't feel
pain.
"I'm so proud of you." Harry whispered to Louis as if Louis was the only person
who was meant to hear that and Louis felt him start rubbing his back, the
soothing motion making it tempting to just fall asleep.
Before he could though, Louis slowly pulled away and he avoided Harry's eyes
because as soon as the hug was gone, so was the moment in which Louis was okay
and bold and painless and now all that Louis feels is regret and embarrassment
and he just wishes he never even met Harry.
But the thought alone nearly made him cry as he sat down in his chair,
desperately trying to focus on the good grade he got rather than the hug or
Harry himself.
"Louis?" Harry's voice was soft and mellow and so low that Louis almost forgot
how to breathe. As Harry started opening his books, Louis finally dared look at
him again.
"Yes?" Louis didn't mean to whisper right now but that's all his voice came out
as, a simple whisper.
Harry smiled lightly, his eyes shining with an emotion Louis can't recognize.
He's seen it in Harry's eyes before, the very first time he looked into them
but he hasn't figured out what it is yet.
At first he thought it was mischief because that's what he sees in everybody
but as he got to know Harry a little better, he knows it's something much
softer and kinder than mischief. Something truly beautiful, in fact. But Louis
didn't know it yet.
"I've been thinking about this for a while and I never asked you because I
don't want it to seem like I'm pushing you. You already spend lunch with me and
my friends every day and you're getting comfortable and I'm incredibly proud of
you for that but it feels like I don't know you." as Harry spoke, he didn't
look disappointed or sad or even like he regretted meeting Louis, he just
looked... In pain.
Louis looked down, feeling guilty and like he was yet another disappointment
but just as soon as he looked down and itched his arm because it was begging to
be cut, Harry softly placed his hand on Louis' arm.
He didn't know it was scarred and bruised and he didn't know it was as hurt as
it was. Yet still his touch was simply featherlight on top of it and so soft,
comforting to Louis.
"Don't feel bad about that Louis, please. I'm sure you have reasons for why
you're distant and I hope one day you'll feel comfortable enough to tell them
to me, but for right now all I ask is to let me be a friend. I already consider
you one but I want you to feel it too." Louis slowly looked up at Harry, not
believing the sincerity in his voice and as soon as he met those soft green
eyes, he knew Harry wasn't lying and he truly meant what he said.
"Y- you consider me as a- a fr-... A friend?" the smile Harry gave him at the
question would probably never compare to anything else Louis had ever seen. It
was beautiful and honest and it was so... Beautiful. Harry's dimples were
showing, his teeth were softly grazing his bottom lip and his eyes just shone
with honesty, and pride, and again that other thing that Louis couldn't
recognize.
"I do." Harry said softly and Louis truly forgot how to breathe now. He never
had a friend before. He never considered anyone a friend and no one ever
thought of him as one.
If he's honest, Louis had no idea how to be a friend. He was sure there was a
certain set of rules or whatever he had to follow to be a good friend but he
didn't know what those were.
Louis couldn't speak and he could barely even breathe. His skin and his insides
were on fire and this was the first time he could actually hear his heart
racing fast.
So he completely let go. He completely let go of any sense he had even a minute
before and he let his body do whatever it thought was right. He let nature take
its course and leaned over, all but falling into Harry's arms as he gave him
yet another hug.
This time, Harry didn't hesitate for even a second and he immeadiately wrapped
his arms around the boy, instantly going for the soothing action of back
rubbing as well as softly breathing into Louis' neck.
Nothing else needed to be said because it was more than clear what Louis'
answer to Harry's sort of question was. It was obvious and Harry clearly
understood it and Louis was glad because he didn't actually want to say that he
now has a friend because it would either make him hurt himself because he
doesn't deserve or cry because he doesn't deserve it.
***
Louis returned from school even later than normal because while he and Harry
were studying, every so often Louis would just collapse back into Louis arms
because Harry's hugs felt so magical and Harry would just softly giggle and hug
him back and Louis absolutely loved the feeling.
He knew what awaited him now at the house but he couldn't possibly feel bad
about it. He just simply couldn't. Harry considers him a friend and Louis
considers him the same back. Louis wanted to smile. He really wanted to smile
now but he feared if he smiled now, he'd forever stay smiling. He feared if he
smiled now that he would never stop.
So he entered the house slowly, expecting the door to slam back into his face
but they didn't. He opened them further, utterly confused and nothing happened.
Slowly, he closed them and kept his step featherlight so he wouldn't trip over
strings or wires but the more attention he paid to the floor, the more he
realised that there were no traps, no wires or strings to trip over. It was as
if Dan took a day off for once.
Still, Louis wouldn't let himself get comfortable because he'd been tricked
before so he just waddled off to his room, finding it weird that nobody was in
the children's room.
As soon as he entered his room though, Louis saw that it was trashed.
The mattress was missing from the bed which was turned over and on the other
side of the room, his mirror was even more broken, broken to the point where
you couldn't make out a single reflection. His clothes were scattered and
ripped everywhere. His room looked awful.
Immeadiately, he went down on his knees and crawled over to the floorboard
underneath which he kept his supplies. The box was untouched and it was quite
clear nobody had found it but he checked it anyways and sighed in relief when
he saw nothing was missing from it.
As he looked around, he felt something was off. Like something was missing. His
bloodied cloth was still there and it was ripped as well which made it clear
they found it and still thought nothing of it.
But that's when he saw it.
In the corner of the room there was a little piece of fabric in the colour that
stood out in the dark closet. He crawled over to it and his heart dropped when
he realised what it was from.
He spun around and suddenly the fabric was everywhere. It was ripped and torn
into little pieces that were scattered around the floor and at this point you
simply wouldn't be able to tell that was a sweater.
Louis' green sweater.
He couldn't believe it. It was destroyed. The one piece of clothing that
Louis loved, the one item he knew he couldn't live without was just gone.
Scattered around his entire room in small little pieces.
Louis let go and started crying, really hard. He was kicking and screaming and
he didn't care they could hear him now because nothing mattered. Nothing
mattered because he lost his safety and comfort now. Louis lost a piece of
himself that he will never get back and that absolutely kills him.
He hates it. He hates them. So much. He always hated them but this went
absolutely past anything he's ever felt. It went past anything he ever even
thought. He hated them. He hated them with his entire being.
Every fiber of his body, mind, and soul was now burning with a passion brighter
than a billion stars. It was burning with hatred and a sense of overwhelming
rage that nearly made him pass out.
He crawled to the floorboard and took out his box, instantly pulling out his
blade and taking off his uniform carefully before he began scarring his arms
and legs. All the hatred he felt towards them, Louis now projected onto himself
because he was too much of a cowardly pussy to do anything to them. They
destoryed a piece of him and instead of doing it back to them, Louis was
destorying a piece of himself as well.
Louis screamed loudly and he wasn't even sure what even made him scream. He
wasn't sure if it was the pain or the hatred but as soon as he screamed, he
felt it. He felt it all. Absolutely everything.
From the black eyes, to broken ribs, to all bruises and scars, to every little
thing that ever caused him pain but he numbed it away, he suddenly felt it all.
He felt a rush in his whole body and it became overwhelming. So overwhelming
Louis passed out.
He passed out right there in the middle of the room, wearing nothing but socks
and underwear. He laid there numb and motionless, nearly drowned in a pool of
his own blood and he had no other thought in his mind than death because death
would be far better than whatever this is. Everything would be far better than
this.
Louis didn't want to live anymore, that was pretty clear, but still he couldn't
do it, too much of a coward to think about it long enough to actually go
through with it.
***
Louis woke up withering there on the floor, feeling incredibly sick and cold.
He slowly lifted his head from the floor and he realised there was blood
sticking to nearly every inch of his skin. He cralwed over to one of the torn
apart shirts, unable to stand, let alone walk, and he started cleaning up the
mess he made on the floor with his blood. It looked like a murder scene.
He cleaned as much of it as he could without water or something and then he
cleaned himself somewhat up too. He wiped away as much blood as he could and he
thanked the heavens it was Wednesday which meant shower day for him.
Luckily, not all his clothes were destroyed because there was a pile of clothes
he could barely fit into anymore. He grew out of those and he usually used them
as cloths for cleaning up but this way, a pair of sweatpants that reached half
down his cavs and a shirt that was a little too tight would have to do the
trick.
He put the clothes on and over his shirt, he put on the sweatshirt so they
wouldn't see the blood and he left the room to go shower. He was glad none of
the kids were awake right now because he just didn't have the energy for them.
Louis walked into the bathroom and relieved himself quickly before stripping
down and jumping in the shower. He made sure to rinse and clean everything and
that none of his scars would even have the threat of being infected.
He had that scare once before so he stole a bottle of George's whiskey and
poured it over the scar. It hurt like a motherfucker but he survived through
it. He then drank the rest of the whiskey and he's sure the bottle is still
lying around somwhere but he can't really remember because it's been years.
As the lukewarm water poured down his back, he looked down at his arms. They
were scarred and bruised and so incredibly ugly and he couldn't bear the
thought of anyone ever seeing them. He wanted them hidden and covered forever.
He needed them hidden from everyone's eyes because he didn't want anyone to
know he even has that side of him.
As he thought about all the things that have happened, he couldn't stop
thinking about his sweater. How was he supposed to fall asleep now without that
sweater? What is he supposed to sleep in during winter that is fast
approaching? How is he even supposed to survive?
And on top of that, he has absolutely no money to buy himself new clothes and
doesn't dare ask Tamara for it because he knows he'll just get a slap in the
face and he'll just be ridiculed like always.
Louis didn't want to steal again. He hated stealing but sometimes it was the
only way he knew to survive. Sometimes it was all he knew how to do and he
hated that that's how it was.
He slowly finished up his shower and turned the water off before carefully
wiping himself dry with a towell, making sure no blood stains the towell and
that every little crook is dry. He didn't bother drying his hair as that would
dry while he slept anyways so he just left the shower and put back on the tight
clothes that both made him feel and look fat and he wanted to cover himself
with a bathrobe instead but he didn't have one. Everyone else had a bathrobe
but Louis didn't.
Louis never had anything really. He was always treated this way since he first
got here at age 4. He doesn't remember much before he came here. All he
remembers is that his birth mum loved him a lot and that his name defenitely
wasn't Lewis.
He tried so hard so many times to remember her face or her name or just...
Something... But he never could. All he had was a silhouette, an outline of a
woman with long hair that he believes is brown because his own is brown. He
doesn't know anything about her but he wishes he did.
He doesn't blame her for leaving him and he's not angry at her. He misses her a
lot even though he doesn't remember her but he's not mad. He used to be but not
anymore. Now he just wants to get out of this place but he knows he can't and
that's been slowly killing him the past few years especially.
He left the bathroom slowly, his step featherlight as he strutted away to his
room and as he reached the children's room, he heard faint whispering in the
dark, silent room.
"Be a good girl, Cara." Louis could recognize George's voice in the dark
silence because it sounded exactly like it did in his nightmares and it sent
shivers down his spine as he realised what George was either doing or was about
to do to Cara.
Cara has always been mean to Louis but that doesn't mean it's easy for him to
listen to George coax her like that. No one deserves to be treated that way.
Especially not when they're so young and just helpless.
"I don't want to." Cara's soft cries filled the room and Louis' heart sunk. He
couldn't believe this. George had always been a monster and everyone knows that
but hearing Cara whimper and cry like that when he's innevitably touching her
in places he shouldn't have access to, breaks Louis' heart.
"It's not up to you my dear, little sunflower." Louis shivered again at the
nickname and he hoped George wasn't actually going to do anything to Cara right
now.
Before Louis could really think about anything, George stood up from wherever
it is that he was crouching and left the room. In passing, he didn't see Louis
thankfully and as soon as Louis knew George was out of earshot, he tiptoed
across to room to Cara's bed.
He didn't say anything because he knew she'd probably scream for Dan or Simon
and then he'd get beaten again.
Louis softly touched her arm and she flinched, winced even, as if she were in
pain. But then she must've realised the touch was too soft and too light for it
to be George and she turned around slowly to face Louis with a horrified face.
Having done this a few times now, Louis knew hugs were a great stress and pain
reliever and that's all he wanted to do. Despite Cara being mean to him like
everybody else, he wanted to comfort her. He wanted her pain to disappear.
And so he slowly pulled her into his arms, hugging her very softly and lightly,
the action barely even being a hug.
That is, until Cara realised what he was doing and she wrapped her arms around
Louis' neck, softly crying into his chest and Louis felt incredibly proud of
himself because he managed to make someone feel something other than hate or
disappointment. He managed to make someone's sleep tonight a little lighter and
that's all he cared about.
People were always mean to him but he wasn't going to be mean to them even if
they don't deserve his kindness simply because he can't see himself being mean
to people the way Dan and Simon are mean to him. Or George is to Cara.
Soon enough, Cara let go and Louis could've sworn he heard a quiet thank you
before she burrowed herself under her blankets, crying underneath them and
Louis wished he could do more but he knew he couldn't so he tiptoed off to his
room and collapsed onto his mattress.
He pulled up the blanket to his chest and just stopped thinking for a second,
his senses overwhelmed by the scent of his own blood. He stared up at the
ceiling and he just stared. It's all he did. He stopped thinking and he surely
wasn't doing anything. He made himself numb again and that's how he liked
himself. Numb and painless.
He was numb for so long and now he's feeling a lot. He's feeling his pain, he's
feeling more compassion towards Cara than ever before, he's feeling a lot of
things and although they are quite scary, they excite Louis somewhat because
he's never felt some of these things before.
He doesn't want to point fingers and forceblame someone but Louis is almost
100% sure he wouldn't be feeling anything had it not been for Harry.
***
Louis wakes up engulfed in the disgusting, metalic smell of blood that lingers
in the room and will probably linger forever because it's not like he actually
has anything he can clean the blood off with.
He hates everything as he opens his eyes because he's truly never been in so
much pain. Be it how he's feeling emotionally or physically, Louis had never
been this big of a mess. And atop of the pain that covers him whole, he feels a
disgusting feeling of hunger in his stomach, just below his sternum, and he
hates it because he hasn't eaten in a couple days and he's lost some blood last
night.
And as it finally sinks in that he must've lost a lot of blood given the pool
of it that he woke up in in the middle of the night, Louis slowly lifts his
arms that hurt like absolute hell and he doesn't even know what to feel
anymore.
Does he feel disappointed he broke that much? Does he feel acomplished because
he didn't take it further? Does he feel like a failure because the past 6 years
there hadn't been a day Louis didn't cut himself? He doesn't know it. He
doesn't know how he's supposed to feel.
His arms couldn't possibly be more scarred at this point and it's pretty
obvious he's running out of easily covered skin to cut because his thighs
aren't looking too good either. For a brief moment, Louis fears he will have to
quit it for the simple reason of not having surface left to ruin but he
remembers that if he tried to quit, he'd soon end up dead because he needs some
type of release from the pain that swallows him each day.
He's learned that Harry's hugs help a little in the sense but nearly enough.
Louis hates himself now having hugged Harry even more so than he did before
because he knows he'll get clingy and will want the feel of Harry's somehow
always soft clothes against him a lot and he doesn't want to annoy Harry like
that.
Harry has been nice and he's only been saying nice things but that doesn't
really help Louis when he knows it's all just a mask of pity and the sorry that
he feels for Louis and his weird loneliness.
Feeling like he's going to puke if he doesn't, Louis sits up on the mattress
and takes a good look around his still dark covered room and he hates the sight
of it. Everything is broken, ripped, and torn apart and though he knows he
deserved it, it doesn't make him like it any bit more.
He looks down at himself and hates what he sees but still, he slowly stands up
on his shaky, weak feet and puts on an old, nearly torn, grey long sleeved
shirt that fit so tightly against his body, he had to take it off because it
made him feel fat and it made him look fat and he hated it.
After contemplating which one of these painfully small, tight shirts he'd
rather be tortured in, Louis just went and put on his school uniform, the
clothing incredibly uncomfortable when he knows he'll have to stay in it for a
few more hours before he even gets to school.
He takes the time he now has to study again, it being the only distraction he
will ever have, and he just burrows himself in books and notebooks and focuses
on the numbers displayed on the papers as well as the odd words in French and
English that he barely understands, even after years spent studying both
languages.
***
Louis struts outside, knowing he's now unreasonably late to lunch with Harry
and the boys because somebody accidentally spilled their water on him and his
concealer smudged and Louis didn't want Harry to see the bruises and small
cuts. He couldn't let himself be so weak and vulnurable in front of Harry when
he's already given so much of himself. He's given so much. Too much. And though
he's sure he'll only keep giving more, and more until there's nothing left to
give, there will forever be a part of Louis he'll never let anyone see. Never
let Harry know it even exists.
As he pushes open the large, heavy metal door, the cold November air hits him
harsh in the face and he immeadiately looks over to where he and the boys
usually sit but they're not there. No one's there.
Louis stops in his tracks, feeling abandonned and left out and his knees go
weak but he doesn't let himself fall. No, Louis instead walks over to the table
and sits down where he normally does, where Harry's to his left, heat radiating
off him, warming both of them up. He can somewhat imagine the three boys
opposite him but he can't imagine Harry's heat. He will never be able to feel
that without Harry next to him.
Louis feels tears start to prickle and his throat is thick and tight, ready to
burst at any moment, heart ready to break and he hates the feelings because
he's been hurt before, in every way one could get hurt, but it never felt like
this.
He thinks it's because the boys were actually always nice and he began
considering each of them as friends but now they've left him cold and alone and
though he knows he shouldn't be surprised because he deserves it, he still
slams a fist against the top of the table, the hit immeadiately sending a shock
and wave of pain through his arm and he winces at the feeling.
Louis spent lunch then on his own. He just sat outside in the blistering cold,
tears softly pouring down and he didn't even care about people seeing bruises
at this point. He just couldn't care. He was so lost in the fact that he was
left abandoned and alone like he doesn't matter. And even though he knows he
doesn't, in fact, matter to anyone, really, he still felt hurt and shattered
and in the moment he hated Harry nearly more than he hates Dan and Simon.
As he heard the bell ring, Louis got up from the table and headed inside,
immeadiately bumping into someone and he was brought back to reality, brought
back to the fact that he'd been crying for the past hour and that his concealer
had undoubtedly been smudged and is now revealing his ugly face and bruises.
As he looked up sheepishly, he sighed in relief at the sight of Liam but then
he immeadiately felt anger boil inside him because he hated Liam now. Before
Louis could push past him or simply ignore his presence, Liam spoke and Louis'
heart shattered as he heard the terrible news and he instantly hated himself
for hating Harry when this was nowhere near his fault.
"When?" Louis asked because he needed to know, he cared about Harry and there's
no way he was okay right now. Louis doesn't know what it's like to lose a
relative to death, not really. He knows he lost his parents young and God knows
who else but he doesn't remember them all too well. However, Harry must
remember his nan because he's known her for 16 years already.
"It was during the night but Harry only got the news in third period... Just
before lunch." Louis' heart sunk as he realised what Liam was telling him.
Harry had gotten the news about his nan's passing right before lunch and no
wonder he didn't show up. No wonder none of the boys did since they're best
mates and all that.
"Can I see him?" Louis whispered out and something on Liam's face softened, as
if he knew exactly what Louis was thinking and how he was feeling, as if he
knew Louis now had a pull in his gut and the only thing he truly wanted to do
was hug Harry and tell him he'll be alright. He knows his words won't mean
anything to Harry but it's Harry that showed Louis that sometimes words aren't
even needed to comfort someone.
"Yeah the boys and I are planning to sleep over at his tonight since it's
Friday and all, you're welcome to come. I'm sure Harry would love it if you
were there." there was something on Liam's face as he said that last part,
something Louis missed entirely but it was there. A soft, kind, and sort of
fond expression, eyes glistened and gleeful, as if there was something Louis
just wasn't seeing.
Louis thought about sleeping over somewhere and his stomach twisted. He knew
he'd get away with it fine and simple because nobody would notice him gone but
there's just so many things he has to take into account. Like his scars and
bruises. They'd notice that, they'd all notice it. Or his small clothes because
he hasn't any other. His lack of apetite. His sheepishness and submissiveness
because it's the only way he knows to live. What if he has a nightmare? What if
somebody does notice and he gets beaten?
Before Louis can turn the offer down, Liam smiles softly at him, hope and what
looks like pride, glazing over the brown in his eyes "Don't stress over it,
Louis, everything will be fine." Liam sealed his words with a comforting hug
before telling him to meet him outside the school later today so he can take
him to Harry's since Harry doesn't live too far from the school and Louis
doesn't know much of the town anyways. He's been places but he doesn't know the
names.
 
***** Chapter 3 *****
***
Although incredibly fucking nervous, Louis was also quite excited about
tonight. He knew there were certain rules and norms he was supposed to follow
tonight and even though he didn't know what exactly those were as he's never
done this before, he comforted himself with the fact that the focus of everyone
wouldn't be on him but rather on Harry and making him feel better.
Louis doesn't know how to really do that. He's not funny, he's not good at
anything, let alone distracting, but still he wants to try. For Harry. Harry
has been nothing but nice to him since they met and Louis will be forever
grateful for it and it's why he's willingly doing the most difficult thing
ever. It's why he's willingly tearing down his walls and kicking apart the
shell he spent years building. Harry managed to make Louis smile. A whole of 6
times and if that's not enough for Louis to care more about Harry than he cares
about himself, then nothing is, really.
Louis rumages once more through the clothes he picked out, all of it far too
small for comfort but nothing is about him tonight and he'll live somehow, and
he slowly packs it all up into his schoolbag before stuffing his supply box and
green notebook in as well, the two incredibly important neccesseties that he
doesn't want to leave here while he's gone, in case they break in again.
As he thinks back to that, his mind drifts to Cara and his stomach twists
instantly, makimg him worried for the little 7 year old girl that in no way
deserves to be treated like that. Louis doesn't know if George treats anyone
else that way but merely treating one person is far too much.
Adrenaline pumping inside him, mixing quickly with self hate and about a
hundred other emotions, Louis finally decides it's time to leave because if he
doesn't soon, he'll have Liam waiting out in the cold for no reason and he
doesn't want to do that. So he makes sure he has everything he could need for
the night he'll be away from the house and he hoists the bag out through his
window and out into the small patch of grass on by the side of the house since
he doesn't want carry it in front of the others because it would make his
invisiblity wear off a little and he can't afford for his actions to be made
and cover to be blown.
He walks out of his room, tiptoing across the wooden floor and before he can
reach the front door, he hears Cara's soft voice speak from somewhere behind
him. "Don't turn around." she says and Louis doesn't, stilling himself,
doorknob in his hand, wrist ready to twist, hand ready to pull. "Thank you for
the other night. It was the first night I didn't have a nightmare so thank
you."
Louis' heart sank at the words and he could hear the sincerity and rawness and
the simple brokenness in Cara's voice as she spoke but as he turned around,
wishing to give her another hug, she was gone and Louis thought it was probably
for the best because if somebody had seen her interracting with him, she'd have
to take a beating too and Louis can't stomach the thought so he quickly rushes
out, the cold air meeting his barely covered skin in an instant and he hates
it.
He goes around the house and is happt when he sees his bag lying where he
dropped it, untouched. Still, he checks it to make sure no one took anything
and once sure no one did, he's on his way back to the school and he's feeling
entirely way too nervous because he's truly never done this before and although
the focus won't be on him, he will still be in the company of other people,
people other than the people he now considers friends. There will be Harry's
mum and his step dad and presumably the whole rest of his family because
someone in the family had died and as the thought crossed Louis' mind, he froze
in his tracks, unable to move.
The boys have known Harry since they were all children, they are practically
family at this point and Louis barely knows them. They don't even know him.
They just don't. Louis is entirely far too secretive for anything tonight to go
well and he panicks. He panicks so much so that he considers going back to the
house but he doesn't have a phone or any other way to reach Liam and tell him
not to come to the school so he drags his feet across the pavement, tears
prickling in his eyes because he knows everyone there tonight will hate him and
the thought quite literally burns him.
***
As soon as Louis met eyes with Harry from across the room, those green fairy-
like orbs red and glistened with tears, cheeks tear stained and red too, Louis
wanted to hug him, to comfort him, to take away his pain like Harry does so
well each time.
Something on Harry's face softens as Louis fidgets with his hands, Liam's and
everyone else's voice becoming just a noise, a static in the background that
meant nothing to Louis as he shifted from foot to foot, feeling both welcome
and unwelcome within the walls of Harry's home.
Harry stood up from where he was bundled up underneath a thousand blankets as
well as Zayn and Niall who were both smiling softly at Louis who stood there,
awaiting someone to kick him out.
What happened, though, was actually the complete opposite. Harry instantly
wrappped his arms around Louis and pulled him close, taking all the comfort
Louis had to offer and Louis was happy to give him it. He hugged him back
fiercly and tried so hard not to cry now because although he didn't know
Harry's nan, the room was filled with a negative, sad, and raw emotion that it
instantly overwhelmed Louis but it was also a sort of a relief because although
negative, it wasn't angry and hateful like it was back at the house. It was
filled with love, and care, and warmth and Louis suddenly understood why Harry
was so nice, and warm, and soft.
"I'm really sorry, Harry." Louis whispered, knowing at least that much about
norms and rules for things and Harry let out a child-like, high pitched cry
into Louis' ear, sniffling a little and it finally became clear Harry was
sobbing into his shoulder, wetting the fabric and probably making the bruises
there visible but Louis couldn't care. Wouldn't care. Wouldn't care because
Harry was the centre of his attention always but especially today.
"I'm so glad you're here." Harry whispered and Louis soared. Nobody was ever
glad about him being anywhere yet here is Harry, actually glad that of all
people in this room, Louis was the one here to comfort Harry. Something odd,
unfamiliar and quite painful, tugged at Louis heart and he tried to physically
shake it away but he only shook himself against Harry, making him giggle.
"Are you dancing?" Harry asked in disbelief and his voice was full of
amusement, yet brokenness and Louis realised that what he did actually made
Harry giggle. Nearly laugh. So he did it again and Harry clutched at him
tighter, keeping him still. "I really am so glad you came." and Louis smiled.
Louis smiled so wide his cheeks burned from it. He smiled and he tried hiding
it into Harry's shoulder but he knew it was to no avail because he could feel
Harry smiling into his own shoulder and he softly rubbed his back, something
Louis should have been doing to Harry so he started doing it too, earning a
purr from Harry that made that odd, painful thing tug at his heart again.
Harry slowly pulled away, knowing he drained all the comfort he possibly could
have from Louis and Louis actually felt strangely exhausted from a simple hug.
As they both stepped away from each other, Louis was glad to see that the boys
were just sitting on the floor, talking and not paying attention to them and
their half hour long hug.
"Louis do you have a onesie?" Niall asked from the floor and Louis frowned
because, not only did he not have it, he had no idea what it was. He shook his
head a little and earned himself audible gasps from the boys, making him self
conscious, scared, and simply sad.
"Oh that is not how we run things around here!" Harry said, desperately trying
to mask the sadness in his voice as he left the room quickly, only to be back
in a flash, holding a large piece of clothing that looked like a shirt, pants,
and socks all together, painfully obvious why it was called a onesie and as
Louis looked around, he saw that everyone was wearing a onesie. Not just the
boys, but Harry's mum and dad too.
Without a word then, really, Harry shoved the light green onesie into Louis'
hands and Louis just stared at it, the soft fabric far too soft for his ragged
and cut skin but it was green and it was Harry's and Louis wanted to wear it
but he didn't know if that's what Harry wanted him to do.
Louis turned to Harry, a question held in his eyes and Harry rolled his eyes
with a warm, soft smile "Put it on." he urged "I promise you it's clean and I
haven't even worn it in a weeks." Louis stared down at the onesie.
The green onesie. Harry's green onesie. Harry's green onesie that he actually
wore upon occassion.
Suddenly, Louis blushed fiercly, thinking about how he's now going to wear a
piece of clothing that Harry once wore. That Harry recently wore. Knowing this
would make Harry happy by the looks of it, Louis gave Harry a slow nod at which
Harry beamed and led him to the bathroom before hugging him as they reached the
door, this time thanking him for coming and Louis just shrugged it with an
almost smile and Harry grinned even more at it before disappearing back into
the living room where the others were.
Louis struggled a bit but eventually, he fit himself inside the onesie and he'd
never felt so free and comfortable. It was so nice. So, so nice. It was soft,
and warm, and green, and Harry's, and Louis loved it so much. He loved it. He's
never loved anything before but here he is, loving a piece of clothing that
isn't even his.
The thing Louis loved about the onesie probably most of all was how big it was
on him. Harry was taller and buffer than Louis so instantly any clothes of his
would bag on Louis and he loved it because it meant he wouldn't have to wear
his dreadful, tight, too small clothes.
He sighed a little before exiting the bathroom and heading to the living room
where everyone else was and as soon as he stepped close enough to the sofa,
Louis was being yanked to the floor by Harry who pulled at his ankles and made
him topple over on top of him.
Everyone burst into laughter and Harry's mother, Anne, was rather surprised at
the sight when she came into the room with tea or maybe hot coco in the mugs by
the smell of it.
Louis blushed, something that rarely happens but it's been happening a lot
since he got close to Harry, and he didn't really know what to do. He didn't
know how to react because he was never in this situation before nor has he seen
anyone be in this situation. He's been in the position but only in the position
of Harry as Simon sat on his chest, throwing punches at his face.
Remembering how awful it was and how heavy he must be on top of Harry, Louis
all but jumped off him and scrambled himself away from the boys, breathing
heavily and suddenly wanting to go back to the house because he wasn't feeling
so comfortable anymore despite the soft, green fabric covering his bare body
whole.
"Hey, hey, it's alright." Harry cooed and crawled to him and Louis instantly
felt bad for making things about him when today isn't about him at all. Harry
mouthed a "You're doing good." to Louis and Louis hated that Harry was the one
trying to make him happy when he's here to make Harry happy. After a long
thought, though, he just let it go because it wasn't the time to dwell on
things.
"Boys here's some hot coco." Harry's mum announced as she set the large plate
of mugs on the coffee table that has probably been moved from the middle of the
room to the side so they could sit on the floor.
Everyone except for Louis went straight for their respective mugs, blowing
lightly over the hot liquid and Louis just sat there next to Harry, unsure
really what he was supposed to do. He was already an imposer here in Harry's
home. He wasn't family, he hasn't known Harry his whole life, they barely know
him here and he just doesn't belong, regardless of how amazing and comforting
the whole house is.
"The blue one's for you." Harry said, his voice soft and broken again and Louis
knew it had nothing to do with him but rather Harry's inability to control his
emotions when probably all of these things that surround them, remind him of
his nan.
Truth is, Louis didn't want to drink the hot coco because he didn't know how to
really. He's never had it before. The other kids have it regularly every
Christmas but there was never enough for Louis even though he knew that most of
the kids went and got seconds because they could and Louis wasn't allowed to
have anything.
He doesn't know how to drink hot coco or if it would ever even taste good. He
doesn't know if he'll like it, if he'll hate it, if he'll want to spit it out
over everything. His worst fear about it though was that he was probably going
to throw it up immeadiately because if there's anything that hot chocolate is,
then it's sweet and filling and Louis just doesn't have an apetite at this
point.
Having been fed poorly for years and simply knowing he was fat, Louis got used
to going even days without food or eating small amounts and then throwing them
up because it tasted disgusting to him.
"I- I don't like hot coco." Louis lied, knowing it was better to pretend he
didn't like something everyone else loved than telling the truth and then get
hated on and told that he was completely right about how fat, ugly, and simply
disgusting he was.
"Oh," Harry didn't look disappointed like Louis thought he'd be, he just looked
sad and Louis couldn't really decipher what the reason behind his sadness was.
Desperately he hoped it was Louis that was the reason because he's used to
making people sad and he doesn't want Harry hurting because it hurts him in a
way too. "You want milk, or- or juice?"
Louis didn't want to keep saying no and refusing to have anything Harry offers
because he wanted to be a good guest since he's never been one before. Slowly,
he shook his head and reached for the blue mug on the coffee table "I'll just
settle for the coco, don't wanna be of trouble." he followed the act the other
boys did when they went to drink and he softly blew over the surface of the
liquid, trying to keep his stomach down because merely the smell of it was
filling.
"Louis, dear, don't be silly I can get you anything." Anne spoke from somewhere
behind him and he fiercly shook his head, maintaining contact with Harry's sad
eyes.
"I'm alright with this don't worry. But thanks." he heard Anne huff out a
little and it reminded him of how Harry always huffs out, annoyed but fond,
whenever Louis refuses his help with math because "he can do it alone".
Louis stood up on his wobbly feet as Anne came to collect the large metal plate
and he reached out, softly grazing her arm, making her turn around. "I'm sorry
abour your loss." he said sheepishly and she gave him a small smile with sad
eyes. Wordlessly, Louis moved to give her the smallest of hugs because he felt
he had more comfort to give. Harry didn't take all of it.
"Thank you, dear." she said and pulled away before walking back to the kitchen
and Louis plopped back down next to Harry, his heart beating fast and breath
heavy because this is the most interaction he's ever done and it's all
happening so quick, so close together, it's overwhelming him but he doesn't
want it to stop, not until Harry is either happy or asleep.
Harry moved in closer, not hugging Louis put tugging him closely, whispering
"You are doing so good. I'm so proud of you."
***
"It's alright Haz, let it out." Louis whispered softly into Harry's soft curls
as Harry cried quietly into his chest.
They were awake for a long time after Louis got there. They talked and made fun
and Harry was light and... Not happy but not sad either so Louis considers the
evening a success. The closer midnight was, the closer they all got. Louis
began revealing more than he wanted to and it was all due to the warmth and the
comfort of Harry's home.
It was something he'd never felt before and it was like Anne spiked Louis'
barely touched coco with some truth spelling potion because Louis felt oddly
comfortable telling the boys about how he lost his family youbg and how he
lives in a home with other kids.
He didn't tell them about how awful it is or how fat he is or how he cuts. He
doesn't think he'll ever tell him that but it felt really good to finally tell
someone that he was unlike most people and it felt even better when they all
jumped in to hug him comfortingly and Louis even cried a tiny bit to which they
all laughed a little and it was just a really good evening for him. A great
one. The best one ever.
But now that it's way past midnight and everyone's asleep except for him and
Harry, Harry finally let go and began crying. He thought he was the only one
awake so he thought it was finally okay but Louis couldn't just lie there and
pretend he didn't hear him crying. Not when he knows how awful it is to cry
yourself to sleep, utterly and completely alone.
So he pulled Harry closer from behind, something he wasn't very comfortable
with because it was more contact than he's ever had with anyone but given what
other firsts he had with Harry, he wanted to do this with him too.
After it, it didn't take Harry long to turn around and bury his face in the
crook of Louis' neck, clutching to his side and Louis held him tight, his arm
thrown around him, fingers rubbing his back in soft circles. Despite it being
very difficult to breathe because Harry was pressing into Louis' bruised and
probably broken ribs, Louis felt oddly comfortable with Harry lying there like
that, half on top of him.
"What was she like?" Louis asked as Harry began to calm down a little so he
wasn't really sobbing anymore but just hiccuping, and Louis threw his hand in
Harry's curls and rubbed his scalp softly, uncurling and curling his soft
curls.
Harry breathed "Nice. So nice. She was so amazing Louis you'd have loved her.
She'd have loved you too." Louis found it hard to believe that someone would
love him the way Harry says his nan would but he didn't say anything, he just
kept massaging Harry's scalp.
Harry moved a little, probably because he was lying on his arm and it must've
went numb by now. As he shifted, he pressed harshly into Louis' ribs, causing
him to wince and hiss out in pain. Harry, of course, noticed that wasn't a
normal reaction and he pulled away a little, hesitantly bringing his hand to
softly rub Louis' chest, right where it's most bruised.
He had a concerned look in his eyes and Louis wanted more than anything to rip
away from his touch, his hold, and run outside because he hasn't properly
breathed in close to a forever. Harry rubbed the bruise just right it seemed
because Louis lost all breath. He lost all feeling completely and he felt
faint, his eyes turning dark before he finally took a breath, the deepest one
he's ever taken and the pain susbided a little bit but it felt sore still.
"Louis..." Louis knew Harry didn't know but the look in his eyes matched with
the tone of his voice made him fear he did know. That he knew it all. About
every bruise, every cut, every scar, the countless number of broken bones that
have healed over time, over years of physical abuse. He feared he knew about
the emotional side of it too. The mental one. The one that makes him scream,
one that causes nightmares, one that wants Louis to kill himself.
"Harry please don't..." Louis pleaded quietly, reading Harry's eyes and he knew
Harry had questions, lots of them too, and Louis couldn't answer them. Not
without giving himself fully away and he never wants to do that. Not to anyone,
not to Harry. Despite the fuzzy, warm feeling inside he gets whenever he's with
him or sees him, or merely even thinks of him.
Harry looked like he was in dispute with himself, probably trying to decide
whether or not he was going to ask Louis anything about his ribs. In the end,
it looked he decided not to and he took Louis' now faintly bruised cheeks in
his hands and pulled Louis up for a kiss on the forehead.
It was the first kiss Louis remembers anyone giving him and it was so soft and
tender, so full of warmth and love, that Louis just couldn't resist a smile as
it crept his lips and it made Harry smile too before he placed one more kiss to
Louis forehead and then crawled back down Louis' body, this time laying his
head on Louis' tummy, which although bruised as well, wasn't as bruised as his
ribs and the pain was at least bearable.
As Louis ran his fingers through Harry's curls, he felt Harry thread his hand
up his torso and to his chest before he began rubbing his ribs like that again,
massaging the bruises ever so softly and despite it hurting, it was relieving
him of at least a little pain and Louis was alright for once, sleep overcoming
his weak, half asleep body and this was the first night that he was sure he
wouldn't have a nightmare because he was in Harry's soft, green onesie, and
Harry was spread on his tummy, purring softly over it as his fingers massaged
Louis and Louis was alright. Louis was fine.
He didn't know it yet, or understand it even, but Louis was in love.
***
Louis woke up feeling dizzy and disoriented but never ever had he felt this
rested. He was engulfed in warmth and comfort and he felt so... Good. For once.
Slowly, he opened his eyes and it took him a bit to realise where he was and
once he did realise where he was, sprawled out on the floor of Harry's living
room, he started panicking. He started panicking a lot because God knows what
time it is and the later in the afternoon it is, the bigger chance there is
he'll get caught sneaking back in.
Which in on itself isn't that big of a deal because he knows no one will care
but the problem is in the fact that he'll get beaten up again. His luck is that
it's Saturday so no school which means no one will notice he's missing.
He sat up too quickly, making himself sick and he gagged audibly. As he did so,
something, somewhere made noise and in a flash, Harry ran into the living room,
a huge smile plastered on his face as he comes to kneel next to Louis.
"Hey," Louis greeted, his voice hoarse so he cleared his throat as he looked
around, noticing that the boys weren't there anymore and the sun seemed to be
setting but he could be wrong. "What time is it?"
Harry looked down, soft smile still on his lips and he was hesitating with his
answer "Nearly 5pm." Louis mouth hung open. He slept for more than 12 hours
when he usually sleeps for around 6.
"Why didn't you wake me?" Louis asked, not sad, not disappointed, but simply
worried and exhausted because he knows what awaits when he eventually shows up
back at the house where they don't even know he's gone. Or maybe by now they
even do.
"You looked so peaceful, Louis. You looked so tired too. I don't know what it's
usually like for you in the night and I don't wanna push for answers but I just
couldn't wake you up. Couldn't bring myself to." Harry's eyes were still
focused on the floor and it broke Louis a little how guilty and sad he sounded.
Knowing there's no way he can even be mad at Harry despite the fact he'll get
beaten, Louis relaxed and embraced Harry, wrapping his arms tightly around him
and Harry hugged him back just the same, sighing into Louis' chest before
rubbing his ribs softly.
"Do you still hurt?" he asked and Louis didn't really know at this point. It
defenitely didn't hurt as much as it normally does but his treshold for pain
has gone above and beyond something humanly possible. He was so used to pain
that this... Numbness he feels now, could be the breaking point for others so
he didn't know how to answer.
In the end, he went for a shake-nod of his head and Harry giggled a little
before pulling away a bit, eyeing Louis' lips first and then his forehead.
Without a warning, even though Louis expected it, Harry leaned in and kissed
Louis' forehead again, forcing out a smile that made Harry smile too.
As Louis looked back into Harry's eyes he could see the sadness and raw emotion
swimming in them and how could it not when his nan passed just yesterday.
The funeral is tomorrow and Harry wants Louis there but Louis declined several
times when asked because he already feels enough like an intruder as it is just
by doing this sleepover, he knows going to the funeral of a woman he never met
nor even knew the family of would just make him look awful and he didn't want
that.
"The boys have gone home a little while ago." Harry informed and Louis,
although already knowing they were gone, began panicking again because he
clearly overstayed his welcome here. Just as he was going to rise to his feet
and all but run out of there, Harry spoke. "I want you to stay a while longer.
I know it's so much to ask but I just don't want to be alone today. Mum and
Robin have gone to get things settled for the funeral and Gemma's not coming
till tomorrow. Could- could you stay?"
It was obvious by the tremble and shakiness of his voice that this was
difficult for Harry to ask and if Louis was honest, he wanted nothing more but
to stay out of the house for one night longer. He knew no one would care or
notice, he knew he'd be warm and comfortable here, he knew that Harry was here,
it was a perfect jackpot and Louis wanted so much to stay, to make Harry feel
better, happier, but he just couldn't bring himself to agree, to stay.
He chewed on the options a lot, time passing by, neither of them moving, and
slowly he came to the decision that was best for the both of them. Staying.
"Will your parents mind?" Louis asked quietly and Harry shook his head
immeadiately.
"God no! They like you a lot Louis, both do." and Louis believed him because he
doesn't think Harry has lied to him yet and he doesn't seem like he's lying
now. "You can defenitely stay... Unless you want to go back.."
The way Harry was looking at Louis when he said that, the way his eyes twinkled
with a knowing look, the way his lips curled into a small pout, the way he
looked like he wanted to hug the pain out of Louis, Louis just knew. Harry had
to know.
"How much do you know?" Harry didn't even look surprised by the question. He
just took it like Louis gave it and answered slowly.
"I don't know anything for sure, I can only assume, but the things I'm assuming
aren't good Louis." Louis wasn't sure exactly what gave him away but he's felt
for a while now that Harry knew, that he must know. Perhaps that's why he got
so mad yesterday when Harry didn't show up at lunch. He felt like Harry figured
him out and hated him, finally saw he was ugly. Disgusting and worthless. And
now that he knows Harry knows for sure, he wants to open up more.
He's never told anyone about anything before last night when he told Harry and
the boys he was an orphan. And even then, he kept the abuse a secret because he
didn't want to be hated on for it but now as he looks at Harry, he can see
everything but the hate he's expecting to get. There's so many emotions
swimming in the green in front of him and he wants to drown in it, in the green
pool of emotions, he wants to tell all his secrets to it, all his flaws, all
that's on his mind, all that he fears. Louis wants the green pools of emotions
to be his safe place, a place where he can run to and hide when things are bad.
And since the green pools of emotions belong to Harry, he knows Harry will have
to know all of him too. And although unsteady and far too unready for this,
Louis decides to do it anyways.
He doesn't know if it's impulse he's acting upon, he's not sure what it exactly
is that's making him do this and all he really knows is the fact that he has
his eyes clenched shut, his heart in his throat as his fingers graze the zipper
of his onesie and slowly pull down, opening the onesie slowly with each inch
down and although Louis' ears have popped by now and all he hears is a constant
ringing, he hears Harry's sharp intake as Louis brings the zipper all the way
down to meet the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulls on his sleeves a
little so Harry has a perfect view of all the bruises hiding there.
Time stops, then. Neither of the boys moving, neither of them saying anything.
Neither of them even breathing.
Harry hesitantly reaches his hand up to Louis' chest and Louis winces a little
but relaxes once he convinces himself it's only Harry touching him there.
Harry's fingers are soon gone and just as Louis thinks Harry moved away because
he can't stand Louis and how ugly he is now, the skin once touched by Harry's
fingers, now has Harry's lips pressing softly onto it. "I'm sorry, Louis. I'm
so sorry you had this done to you."
Louis couldn't speak. He couldn't even think really. His skin was burning from
Harry's lips and he couldn't understand why. He's been hot before, because of
Harry too, but never like this. Never this hot. He felt light headed and dizzy
and he couldn't even hold himself upright anymore so he didn't try to anymore.
He let go and fell back, his back harshly hitting the floor but he couldn't
care.
He didn't know where his mind was right now. He never felt like this. All he
kept imagining was Harry's lips pressing again and again to the worst of
bruises and the thought didn't help him feel better. It actually only made him
feel short of breath and faint and he began shaking.
"Lou are you alright?" Harry was clutching onto Louis, desperately trying to
get a reaction but Louis was numb. Painfully hot and numb and near passing out.
For no reason at all, he let out a loud whimper before he blacked out, the
thought of Harry's lips on his, the last thought in his mind.
***
As Louis woke up for the second time today, he didn't expect to find Harry
sitting next to him with a focused face as he softly rubbed some type of cream
onto Louis' bruised torso.
Louis was absolutely terrified out of his mind because for the first minute, he
completely forgot he had done this himself. That he, willingly, revealed to
Harry all the bruises. Given how his arms and thighs are still covered, Louis
suspects Harry hasn't seen those yet but then again, he was asleep twice around
him and how hard is it to unzip a onesie far enough to see the cuts covering
his thighs.
Harry pressed a little harder into the bruise, making Louis wince and hiss out.
"Careful."
"Sorry." Harry sheepishly apologized and went back to work once he saw that
Louis wasn't objecting to it.
Truthfully, Louis didn't mind Harry rubbing his hands all over the bruises
because this was the first time, ever, that anyone's showed any care in Louis
or his well being. So the fact that it's, Harry, of all people, taking care of
him and making sure he heals properly, makes Louis stomach bubble with that odd
painful feeling that he already knows he hates.
What did bother Louis, however, was that he wasn't grieving. He wasn't coping
with the loss of his nan like Louis thought he would. Like he saw on the telly
once a very long time ago when he was allowed to watch.
When you lose your nan, you mope around the house eating ice cream and crying
and remembering her but Harry's doing it all wrong. He's just been taking care
of Louis both yesterday and today, and even last night while he was grieving,
it still ended with him somehow cuddling Louis.
Feeling quite pissed off that Harry was doing things wrong, Louis reached out
and pushed Harry's hands away from him, his bare skin missing their warmth
already as he sat up. "Cry."
Harry had never looked this confused before and he had to sit through Louis
explaining to him how he thought math worked and it was all upside down and
twisted and simply wrong. So seeing Harry be as confused as one can get right
now, annoyed Louis a little because he didn't get what Louis was trying to tell
him.
"Wh-"
"Cry." Louis demanded again, voice softer this time and more empathic, less
like he's feeling guilty and frustrated and more like he knows Harry needs this
and wants it but keeps pushing it aside for whatever dumb reason he has.
"Sorry, I know that was a bit rude but Harry you can't do this. You can't sit
around here, making me feel better and making me good when you're the sole
reason I'm here in the firstplace."
Louis had never been so brutally honest before. Not even last night when he
opened up because they literally had to drag the words from his mouth and they
more just connected the dots rather than Louis flat out telling them that he
was an orphan. Realising he has no justification for being so confident and
filled, Louis slouched, zipping his onesie back up because he felt strangely
cold and he looked at Harry through hazy, lost eyes that couldn't understand
why Harry wasn't reacting like he should to his nan's passing.
"Harry," Louis started out softly, his voice going back to a whisper and he saw
how Harry frowned and it killed him to see him frown but he couldn't help it.
He could only whispet now because he felt so vulnurable and hopeless. He
doesn't like being open and unhidden. He doesn't like the attention Harry's so
hell bent on giving him. Well, he does like the attention itself but not in the
way Harry gives it. "Harry your nan passed yesterday. Why aren't you crying?
Why aren't you grieving? Why are you acting like I'm the one who needs cuddling
and comfort when it's you who needs it?"
Harry avoided his eyes again and Louis saw how his eyes went empty, sad and
bland again and he knew he struck a chord, he just didn't know which words
struck it and if he's honest, that frustrated him a bit but he didn't let it
show because it's not about him.
"Because you do need cuddling Louis." Harry's voice was a whisper too and it
all started feeling like they were just sharing secrets, like nobody else was
ever allowed to know of this conversation ever happening and Louis liked it. He
liked the secrecy and he liked the intimacy. "Have you even seen your chest
Louis? Your ribs are bound to be broken and your whole torso is blue Louis.
It's so blue. And I don't know if you noticed this in the past month and a half
or so that we've known each other but I care about you. I care about you a lot.
And seeing- seeing your body like that... I- I can't even think of anything
else but you and how when you eventually leave here, you'll have to go back and
I don't think I'll ever sleep again, knowing you're constantly in pain like
this."
Louis knew he was crying when Harry finished and he didn't care because this
was when everything started to hurt again. Every cut and every scar and every
bruise, all of it just hurt. And then came that painful tug in his stomach that
he already knew he hated and he couldn't take the pain anymore. It was
so, so bad. Worse than anything he'd ever felt before and that said a lot.
As quickly as he could, he rose to his feet and ran to Harry's bathroom, his
knees buckling beneath him just as he reached the toilet and he threw up. He
threw up everything his stomach had stored and even more after that. He
couldn't stop throwing up. He just felt so, unbelievably, sick. It
was horrifying.
He was glad Harry didn't follow him there but he knew he was lingering
somewhere by the door, waiting for Louis to either stop vomitting or call him
in and strangely, Louis didn't want to do either of those things. So he kicked
the door behind him shut, feeling an unfamiliar pang in his chest because he
could feel Harry's sad eyes and his pout and the tears that started rolling
down his face... Now.
He could sense it all and he hated that he could because he didn't want to ever
be this close to anyone as he knows there's only one way it can all end and
it's with him being hurt. Him being so hurt he will probably end his life and
the worst part, is that he doesn't even care.
***
Louis had never felt quite this nervous. He was fast approaching the house now
on his way from Harry's, midnight nearing itself as Louis strutted his way to
the house.
He had many options, all of which were better than the one he went with in the
end. Harry offered for Louis to stay one more night and leave in the morning
before the funeral but Louis didn't want to be there when all of Harry's family
came down. He was already uncomfortable enough with just his mum and step dad,
he didn't want to be uncomfortable with the whole family. Especially since
Harry's told him that he hasn't seen a lot of them in a long time. It's not
that Louis wouldn't want to meet Harry's family but this was far from the way
he wanted to do it.
As he approached the house, he came by his window and threw his bag inside,
contemplating trying to get in through the window himself because it was far
too risky to try and unlock the front door then tiptoe across the house when he
knows there's people out there, George or Tamara probably awake still.
Finally deciding it was for the better, Louis gripped onto the window sill and
pulled his weak body up, surprised at the upper body strength he had despite
the bruises and broken ribs. He was actually quite proud of himself too and
that especially when he realised he can, not so easily, fit through the window
and drop down to the floor on his hands without hurting himself too much.
Sighing contently, Louis stripped out of all his clothes so he was completely
naked and then pulled the green onesie that Harry let him - more like made him
- keep and he put it on over fully bare skin. He absolutely loves the onesie
and even though he fought with Harry a little about keeping it, he's more than
glad that he has it now because it's green, and soft, and Harry's and he now
knows what he will sleep in during winter.
But this time he vowed to himself to keep it better hidden just in case they
break in again.
Louis took the supply box from his bag and crawled under the bed to put it
away, together with the notebook and he found it strangely easy to just leave
the blade down there, not really needing its comfort for tonight and he knew it
had everything to do with Harry which only made him happier.
Putting the rest of his unworn clothes onto his dresser, Louis sighed and
settled himself under the covers, breathing in the painstakingly amazing smell
of his onesie. It smelt like Harry's home and hot coco and love but most
importantly, it smelt like Harry and Louis loved that it did because he drifted
to sleep then, the thought of Harry's lips everywhere on his skin and his soft
voice murming incoherent things in his ear.
Louis was far too asleep to know it, but he fell asleep with a smile. Woke up
with one too.
***
"Louis you've gotten a lot better." Ms. Benson says with a smile and Louis
can't help blush, thinking about how proud Harry was going to be when he hears
Louis got his first ever A. He really has been getting a lot better at math and
it's all thanks to Harry and Louis can't wait to thank him for it with a hug.
"Harry really put his work in with you didn't he?"
"Though I gotta tell you, Louis, since you've started working together, your
grades have been going up and his have been going down. Might have to keep him
in check as well." Louis nearly smiled hearing that Harry has been getting
worse in the class he's normally best in.
It reminds Louis of all those times someone was absentminded in some class and
the teacher said something like "Are you in love or just slacking off?" and
Louis never really understood that, still doesn't, but for some reason it makes
him feel all fuzzy and tingly, knowing that Harry had trouble focusing in
school. And although Louis was well aware he was most probably far from the
reason as to why Harry was really slacking, especially because his nan passed
just under a week ago, he still felt his skin begin to burn with a knowing fire
and all he could really think about is Harry.
"I'm proud of you, Louis." Ms. Benson said and Louis gave a sheepish nod.
"Thanks." Louis' voice wasn't as quiet as it normally is when he talks to
people, even her, and she was clearly taken by surprise at the fact he wasn't
whispering. She smiled lightly, deciding not to say anything and then she
dismissed Louis, letting him go and he rushed straight to the library because
Math was his last period and he was meeting Harry right after it.
Harry warned him yesterday, then again today at lunch, that he'd be late to
their study session and Louis didn't mind it because he now knows, even if
Harry hadn't warned him, that Harry wouldn't purposely leave Louis hanging out
to dry like that for the simple reason of hurting him. Not after he comforted
him like that and cuddled him and hugged him and kissed his forehead all of six
times. Louis just knows this now.
So he settled himself in the library, trying to fight a smile that was creeping
itself onto his lips and the main reason he fought it was because Harry still
remains the only person Louis has ever smiled for and Louis tends to keep it
that way at least for as long as smiling feels unnatural and difficult and
takes energy.
Louis sat down and opened his notebook to the last page where he and Harry
often doodled random things while they just talked a little to take a break
from the math. He loves these doodles because they're all so funny and cute and
especially those they doodled of each other. They tried to draw each other but
it was just a mess. Louis loves how close the doodlemen are, just one line away
from touching one another and Louis felt that horrifying tug in the pit of his
stomach as he joined them, making it look like they were holding hands.
As he doodled some more, the door slowly opened and he nearly smiled, thinking
it was Harry but it was actually someone who couldn't be further from Harry and
his warmth and softness. Someone Louis despised and hated seeing at school
because he hates him enough back at the house.
Defensively, Louis closed his notebook, clutching it hard with his hand so he
wouldn't touch it and innevitably rip it because that's how things always go
with Simon. Just thinking of their last encounter, Louis gulped, sound audible
in his throat and he brought his free hand up to clutch his broken ribs,
knowing that the bruises have begun to fade because along the onesie, Harry
also gave him the rubbing cream that he's been rubbing in every day and the
bruises slowly started to go away.
Ever since Saturday night when Louis figured out he could fit through the
window, that's how he's been getting in the house. He always arrives later than
everyone so this is much safer and far less painful. It's the only reason the
cream has even managed to work at all.
"Long time, no see, Lewis." Simon spoke quietly as he went over to Louis who
just clutched his notebook tighter. "You've been really bad this week, Lewis.
We missed you at the house. It's like you're never there." Simon grazed his
cold finger across Louis' jaw and Louis could almost feel his steel fist
piercing through it any second now. "You're still so quiet. Gonna have to
change that right?"
Before Louis could even blink, Simon's finger was being replaced by his fist
and Louis refused to let himself react. To wince, to yelp, to cry out for
Harry. He refused to let Simon know that he's beginning to feel things now, to
feel pain. Simon feeds off it, always has, the same as everybody else and Louis
swore to himself when he numbed away for the first time years ago that he would
never give them the satisfaction of knowing they actually do hurt him even if
he doesn't feel it, or show that he feels it.
For a second Louis wondered why the librarian wasn't reacting but then he
remembered that she left just a minute ago to have a smoke outside and Louis
hated that he was now in here alone with Simon.
By the time Harry came into the library, Louis was on the floors, shaking. He
could feel bruises forming all over his face and he was crying softly into the
dirty carpet beneath him. He was clutching onto his knees as he curled himself
into a ball and he couldn't even move anymore, everything hurt too much.
"Louis..." Harry's sharp intake was audible to hell and back but then again
that could just be Louis' sense heightened because of how much he craves Harry
right now. It seemed Harry didn't hesitate for a second before he was pulling
Louis to him, hugging him tightly as he threw Louis' legs over his lap so they
were both more comfortable.
"They got me... They got to me..." Louis couldn't understand why it hurt so
much more now than it ever really did before. Simon didn't hit as hard as he
normally does and he didn't go anywhere near his ribs so it made no sense for
it to hurt as much as it did but it really, really did.
Harry's hugs sure helped take away some of the pain and Louis just breathed in
Harry's scent, it being the exact same as it was on Friday and Saturday and as
it was on Louis' onesie until he had to wash it yesterday and now it just
smells like detergent and the house which is disgusting and Louis wishes he
could wrap Harry up in it so it would smell like him again.
"Hey, shhh, shhh, you'll be okay..." Harry cooed softly as he rubbed his
fingers up and down Louis' back, the touch so soothing and soft, so sweet and
love filled that Louis felt himself start to calm down, tears stopping and
breath slowing down.
"He got to me..." Louis gripped Harry's collar tightly and pressed himself
further into Harry's hold, somehow feeling Simon touching him, suddenly he felt
George touching him as well. "No!" Louis screamed loudly and began kicking air,
eyes still tightly shut but he could see through closed eyelids that Simon was
there and that George was there too, his hands reaching for Louis' waist while
Simom grabbed at his neck, choking him.
"Louis!" finally, Louis snapped his eyes open and he felt as disoriented as
ever. He could've sworn he was in his room but he wasn't now. He was in the
library, cowering under a bookshelf as he tried to hide, his feet repeatedly
kicking Harry in the stomach. "Louis..." Harry's voice was soft, too soft given
the fact that Louis just kicked him for no reason.
Slowly, Louis crawled out from under the shelf and like it was instinct, Harry
gathered him up in his arms and hugged tightly yet softly. "I'm sorry I'm a
mess..." Louis didn't really even realise he was crying again until he started
sniffling into Harry's shirt.
"No, no, you're not a mess Louis. And don't apologize. It's not your fault.
None of it is." Louis doesn't think he'll ever understand why Harry chooses to
be so nice all the time. Why he chooses to take care of Louis the way he does.
Why he chooses to do the things he does for Louis when Louis deserves none of
them. "Are you okay now? You want us to go for a walk outside maybe? Cold,
fresh air is good for you, you know?"
Louis shook his head into Harry's chest, preferring much rather to just stay in
Harry's arms until he fell asleep. "Why do you do this?" Louis had to ask.
"Do what?" Harry whispered in the quiet room, his hands moving thoughtlessly
over Louis' small back, rubbing the surface in a way that made Louis feel fuzzy
and warm and he was beginning to feel okay again.
Without the blade, Louis felt okay again.
"This. Take care of me. Be nice to me. I- I don't deserve it." Louis' voice
broke with the last part and Harry gasped, as if offended by the finishing
words. He pulled away a little so he could look at Louis and Louis had never
seen such fire in someone's eyes. He'd never seen such fire in Harry's eyes,
specifically. They were so green, and so passionate and so love filled that
Louis could feel himself melt away as he stared back at them.
"Of course you deserve it. You deserve everything Louis. Well except for the
pain and misery you've been put through but everything else has your name on
it, I swear it." as if to prove his point, or maybe just seal his promise,
Harry leaned up and kissed Louis' forehead like he does, lips lingering there
longer than ever before and Louis' eyes fluttered shut, the kiss feeling so
good yet overwhelming, he needed a minute to focus on something else other than
Harry's soft, slightly wet lips pressing onto his skin with an unrecognizable
force. "You deserve everything."
And Louis just... Melted, really. He completely relaxed and forgot he had bones
and knuckles and he just slid himself down so he was now proper stradling
Harry's lap with his head effortlessly laying in the crook of Harry's neck
where Louis could hear Harry's racing heartbeat as he closed his eyes and
breathed in Harry's scent again.
"Thank you." is the last thing Louis remembers saying, whispering really,
before sleep overcame his weak, tired, and beaten body and he fell asleep to
the sound of Harry's heartbeat with Harry's hands rubbing softly over his back
like they do so naturaly.
***
"You're such an idiot!" Harry shrieked as Louis flicked a spoonful of chocolate
pudding at him and all Louis could do was laugh, a surprise to both himself and
Harry whose eyes lit up at the sound and he stood groaning about his shirt
being stained and rather enveloped Louis in a tight hug. "So, so proud Louis.
So proud of you."
Louis simply sighed with a small smile, rubbing his head against Harry's left
boob for an odd reason and he could hear Harry's heartbeat pick up
significantly, same as his own.
Louis slept like that in Harry's arms for about an hour, napping away and he
didn't even feel it remotely when Harry stood up and carried Louis to the bean
bags in the back of the library where he plopped them both down and napped away
a little as well.
They woke up simultaniously and Louis was blushing hard but Harry just kept
saying how that should defenitely start being a more regular thing for them
since they're in the library every day anyway.
Louis' still unsure about whether or not he wants that but he wouldn't mind
trying it. If a nap in Harry's arms a day could keep him from cutting again and
undoubtedly ending his life at some point, Louis' willing to try it. It's quite
odd to him actually. Suddenly not wanting to end his life. He feels he's
actually he got something to live for nowadays. He's got Harry to live for now.
After the nap, they decided math can wait a day, especially since Louis got an
A which deserved a celebration apparently and Harry took them to get ice cream
but it's too cold now for ice cream so they settled for puddings and are now
sitting in the back of some random cafe where the lights are dimmer and
ambience is quieter and Louis likes it that way because he's kept out of the
eyes of everyone, Harry's being the only ones watching him.
"I could honestly fall asleep here again." Louis confessed quietly and Harry
chuckled a little, holding him tighter. Louis liked that they were sitting in a
booth instead of at a table because this way they were closer and they could
just hug, or cuddle really, like this easily.
"Yeah?" Louis just nodded and Harry kissed Louis' hair, making Louis' skin burn
and he felt his stomach fill with an overwhelming sense of nervousness, it
strangely felt like there was a million birds inside him right now. Or maybe
small butterflies that floated around his tummy like they wanted to get out but
couldn't and were just making him feel unbearably sick. "How're your bruises by
the way? Are you healing?"
Louis nodded again and just melted himself further into Harry, already way too
familiar with how good Harry felt, how well his body fit with Louis'. "Harry?"
"Mmm?"
"Could- no forget it." Harry's hands stopped rubbing Louis' back and he pulled
away a little, concerned look covering his face, eyes filled with that
unfamiliar thing again and it frustrated Louis that he didn't know what it was.
Or maybe he did, he just didn't know what it was called.
"What is it Lou?" Louis especially loved it when Harry called him Lou because
it was just further confirmation that he wasn't gonna call him Lewis and he
hates that name more than he hates Dan and Simon probably.
"It's stupid..." Louis tried avoiding Harry's eyes but Harry was just way too
good at making Louis keep staring. Harry urged Louis wordlessly to aay what was
on his mind and Louis groaned loudly, burrowing his face into Harry's shoulder
so he couldn't see him blushing. So he wouldn't know Louis wanted to cut
himself now for bringing it up. "Could I stay at yours tonight? I know it's a
school night and it'd be weird without the boys but I just don't wanna go back
there tonight. Can't."
Harry's hold tightened around Louis and he just kissed Louis' head a few times,
not speaking still and even though Harry's silence would usually worry Louis,
it strangely doesn't know because Harry's body language already gave away his
answer but still Louis needs him to say it. "Of course Lou. And it won't be
weird. We just can't be in the living room again because that's strictly for
sleepovers but I've got a guest bedroom you can take for the night."
Louis wanted to ask him why they couldn't just share Harry's bedroom but he
thought better of it since it was probably not possible because there's no way
Harry would want to snuggle Louis to sleep like that and even if he would, it's
still far too invasive to be acceptable.
"Thank you." was all Louis said then and Harry just kissed his hair again.
 
***** Chapter 4 *****
***
Louis couldn't see it, but Harry was shaking as they slowly strutted the path
to his house.
Louis had been at Harry's before but that couldn't have been more different
than what it is tonight. When Louis came over on Friday, it was with the sole
purpose of comforting Harry and Harry couldn't have possibly fallen in love
with him more then when he actually saw him standing at his front door, looking
so cute yet so unbelievably scared.
But as Louis stands behind Harry now, shifting his weight from foot to foot,
his fear radiating off him in rays of inexplicable emotion that Harry wanted to
rip in half because they were making it so much more difficult to unlock the
door, hands shaking tremendously.
Finally, Harry managed to unlock the door and he opened them, making sure Louis
is in first because that way he'll maybe feel more welcome. Louis is always
welcome in Harry's home. And that's not just Harry's own, loved up thinking.
His mum and step dad thinks so too. Even his sister, Gemma, who only knows
Louis through small stories that Harry dares tell without going into too much
detail that will innevitably reveal Louis' bruises or the awful life he leads
back at the house he lives in.
On Sunday after everyone's gone home and left Harry, Gemma, and his parents to
mourn, Harry's mum came and told him "Take care of that boy, Harry. In any way
you can. Even if it means sharing our home with him, help him." and Harry
didn't need to be told that because he already made that decision himself all
the way back when they had their first study session and Louis was whispering
and itching his arm that Harry suspects is covered in cuts, and he was fidgety
and alert and so incredibly scared, Harry vowed to himself that day to care for
Louis.
To love him.
And he does just that. He cares for him, and he loves him, and he may be just a
little bit in love with him and that, is okay to him. Even if Louis doesn't
feel the same way. Even if Louis isn't ready for a relationship or for love.
Even if Louis is too emotionally and mentally scarred to be with Harry, Harry
will still love him. No matter what, he tells himself and closes the front door
as Louis steps inside, all fidgety and scared but the hard, negative feelings
seem to be slowly drifting away and Harry loves that Louis just accepts and
embraces the warmth and positive energy of his home instead of fighting it off
like he did for so long with Harry himself.
"I'm guessing you don't have a change of clothes?" Harry says, voice coming out
hoarse and dry from being quiet for so long and for a ridiculous reason,
surely, Louis looks down at his feet, guilt and anger radiating off him and all
Harry can think of to rid him of the bullshit emotions is to just hug him and
he does just that, loving how Louis returns it instantly, as if he was willing
himself to do the same but Harry beat him to it.
"I'm sorry."
Harry laughs a little at Louis' foolish thinking that he actually has something
to be sorry for. "Lou you've got nothing to be sorry for, you had no idea this
would be happening. Also I'm completely fine giving you my own clothes to wear.
My wardrobe's been full for ages anyways." Louis sighs a little into Harry's
chest and nods slightly, as if accepting Harry's offer and Harry can't help
smile at the mere idea of Louis in his clothes. That onesie couldn't have
looked more amazing on Louis than it did and Harry loves it even more now that
it's no longer his.
Louis pulls away from the hug at first and Harry can tell by how red he is that
it's because it got difficult to breathe for him again. Harry spent pretty much
all of Saturday watching Louis sleep and he would notice that every so often,
his face would start to get red and his breath got puffy and he'd cry out a
little before turning over to the side and then it would all go away.
Harry knew Louis was hurt then but he wasn't sure how much until Louis showed
him the bruises and it was so sickeningly obvious that at least one of Louis'
ribs was broken and that the broken bone was pressing into his lung. Harry
worries constantly about how it could potentially burst his lung but there's
nothing he can really do to help Louis. He can't fix it himself and he can't
take him to the hospital because he knows they'd call in for Louis' guardians
and he doesn't want that happening either because they're the ones who hurt him
in the firstplace.
So Harry's stuck constantly, going over Louis' situation in his mind because he
wants to help him so desperately but he knows he can't and the thought and
knowledge of that, devastates him.
Deciding it was the least he could do, Harry pressed his fingers softly onto
the rib that was most likely to be broken because the last time he rubbed it,
Louis nearly passed out from how deep of a breath he took. So he rubbed it the
same way again and Louis nearly collapsed but Harry held him and let him
collapse into his arms instead.
"Is it better?" Harry asked, truly wanting to know if Louis was now feeling
better and Louis nodded a little into his chest before bringing his own, small,
soft hand to Harry's and he guided it a little further down the bone.
"There..." Louis whispered and Harry pressed, as soft as he could and Louis
gasped really loudly, as if all air was knocked out of him and his knees
buckled beneath him but Harry caught him before he fell.
It was clear now that Louis was knocked unconscious from that since it probably
hurt a lot so Harry threaded one of his arms under Louis' knees while the other
he wrapped around Louis' stomach, making sure not to press too hard and then he
carried him up to his room because it was by far the warmest room in the house
and Louis deserves warmth.
Harry suspects that Louis isn't that warm at night given how soundly he slept,
wrapped in a billion blankets that night like he'd never even seen a blanket in
his life. It was so obvious that Louis wasn't used to this kind of living and
while that was endearing, it was a painful thing to realise because Louis
deserves the life of a royalty, englossed in all kinds of expensive
everything's, his whole house littered with gold and filled with warmth and
comfortable softness.
Louis deserved the world, really, and it saddens Harry that he doesn't have it,
that Harry can't give him it.
Softly, Harry laid Louis in his bed and covered him with his cover before going
into his en suite to change. He left the door purposely ajar in a way that he
could still be seen so if Louis woke up before Harry was done, he wouldn't
freak out unneccessarily.
As Harry finished up, throwing on a simple gray hoodie and some pj bottoms, he
decided to go and rub Louis' bruises in. It was important to keep a consistent
streak of treatment in order to get the best and fastest results and, okay,
maybe Harry just wanted an excuse to touch all over Louis' chest. The action
would probably even turn him on if it weren't for the bruises that Harry
doesn't find ugly, just painful to look at because he hates that someone can
hurt Louis like this. That someone does hurt him like this.
So he washed his hands and wiped them dry before taking the extra tube of cream
he had in his bathroom and going back into the bedroom. He sat down on the bed
next to Louis and rubbed his palms together to make sure his hands were all
warm and cozy for Louis before he pulled the cover down, letting it rest
downward from Louis' waist and then he began undoing the knot on Louis' tie.
It felt really awful to be doing this to an unconscious Louis. To be undressing
him without consent but he couldn't really think straight at the moment,
whatever the reason may be. Thankfully, though, Louis woke up just as Harry
undid his tie, his eyes snapping open, disorientation recognizable on his face.
"May I? T- to cream you?" Harry lifted the tube from his lap and Louis gave a
small, accidental probably, smile, followed by a slight nod and Harry dropped
the cream back down on his lap before he slowly started unbuttoning his shirt.
Each button revealed more skin and Harry couldn't hold back a smile as he saw
that the bruises have faded quite a bit since the last time he saw them and he
was just so proud of Louis. Harry flicked his eyes up to smile at Louis but
Louis just looked... Not okay. Harry couldn't place the feeling hiding in
Louis' eyes so instead of figuring it out, he just asked him and the answer
made him hold back a laugh.
"Are you going to kiss them again?" Harry was so endeared by Louis' soft voice
and so in love with Louis that he couldn't resist the face splitting as it
crept his lips.
"You want me to?" Louis defenitely looked unsure and it endeared Harry even
more that Louis was so... Unique. Never had Harry ever, not even in movies,
seen someone so... Like that. Harry can't even explain or even begin to
describe the type of person Louis is because Louis isn't even a type of person.
He's just his own little making that no one else can compare to or recreate.
It's like Louis is Coca Cola and everyone else is just a failed attempt, just a
Pepsi.
Harry leant down anyways and pressed a soft kiss to the worst of bruises, eyes
fluttering shut because it didn't matter where he kissed Louis, it would always
be an honest one, filled with love he feels for this boy. Louis gasped a little
at the feel of Harry's lips and Harry loved, more than anything probably, how
Louis snapped his hands to grip at Harry's curls.
"Mmph..." Harry didn't really understand the need for Louis' whimper but he
didn't question it because he knew Louis would just get embarrassed and would
hold back better next time and Harry doesn't want that. Harry wants Louis to
react exactly how he wants to, to every little thing he does or Harry ever does
to him. He just needs it for some reason.
Deciding that no part of Louis' bruised torso should be left kissless, Harry
began kissing around Louis' skin, decidedly avoiding his nipples and belly
button as he's 100% sure those would turn him on and he can't deal with that
right now, not when he's already half hard in his sweatpants from how Louis'
gripping at Harry's curls and from how his eyes keep fluttering shut, his
eyelashes looking so pretty as they move, and not to mention, the biggest turn
on of all, Louis' small gasps and whimpers.
Harry knows that Louis has no experience in anything really, anything even
remotely sexual, but his body was made the same as every other and it was made
to react. To react naturaly to things and Harry loves that Louis is just
letting it happen. That he's just letting himself have this while they're
alone, while it's just them and their instincts working together to make the
best of everything. And the worst part of all this is that Louis had no idea
what kind of magic it was doing to Harry. What kind of tug and burning
sensation this built in the pit of his stomach.
As Harry finishes up the kissing, for some reason doing 2 rounds of them, his
lips are kiss swollen and Louis' skin is covered in the smallest of marks that
Harry left, all of them just a little wet and Harry hated how much it turned
him on to see that.
Louis let out another whimper under his breath as he untangled his hands from
Harry's curls, gulping visibly and audibly. "S- w- s- mmh..." Harry couldn't
hold back a laugh at how truly speecless Louis was and he moved up, kissing
Louis' forehead.
"It's alright. You don't have to speak." Harry said, knowing that Louis was
struggling, embarrassed, and probably hating himself for letting nature do its
thing. Harry pulled away from him, flashing a small smile before he took the
tube from his lap once again and flicked open the cap, smiling stupidly at how
struck Louis' still was, fish mouthing wordlessly, trying to find some words.
Any words.
Harry squirted some of the cream on the tips of his fingers and began tapping
ever so slightly onto different areas of Louis' torso and Louis shivered with
each touch, probably because the cream was cold. Louis bucked his hips up when
Harry tapped just above his waistline and that motion, that simple motion right
there, it did Harry in. He had to bite back a sexually frustrated moan as he
was now fully hard in his sweatpants and he desperately hoped Louis couldn't
see it because he promised him it wouldn't be weird without the boys.
Deciding it was enough, Harry closed back the cap of the tube and set it aside
on the nightstand before started rubbing in the cream and he couldn't tell if
the hisses and whimpers coming out of Louis' mouth were from the cold, the
pain, or simply from Harry's touch and it weirdly annoyed him he didn't know.
Especially since he could've sworn one of them sounded like his name.
***
Harry hated crying in front of others, well no, not really, he was rather very
in touch with his emotions and everyone knew that, however, he did hate crying
in front of Louis. But he couldn't help it. He's been damning himself for
choosing to watch The Notebook as soon as he made the foolish choice, thinking
he wouldn't cry this time when he cries every single time.
"Sorry I'm a sap." Louis just giggled a little, petting Harry's curls as Harry
cried into Louis' soft chest and Harry just felt himself falling deeper in love
with Louis at the sound of his giggle. It's such a wonderful sound. It's a
blessing really. I've been blessed, Harry thought and wiped away his own tears,
pulling away only to lean in to kiss Louis' forehead.
Harry loved kissing his forehead. It was such a delicate thing that he only
shares with Louis. He's kissed others on the cheek and lips but he's only ever
kissed Louis' chest and he's only ever kissed Louis' forehead. And he wants it
to stay that way because he just loves doing it. So much. More than anything at
this point really.
The only thing that would probably pass it on the scale of Harry's favorite
things in the world would be kissing Louis' lips or the tip of his cock or even
his asshole if Louis ever let him do those things but that's a thought for
another time because Louis is real and Louis is here and he's comforting Harry,
returning the favor like he does and it just endears Harry even more that Louis
is the way he is. That he's just... Louis.
"You feel tired yet?" Harry asked against Louis' hair and Louis shook his head
but his body spoke otherwise, his yawn giving him away without a care and Harry
loved it so much that it did. "Let's get you to bed then." Harry said and got
up from the sofa, Louis following suit as Harry led him away to the guest
bedroom. "You have everything you need in there, bathroom's right down there if
you need it and my bedroom is right over there if you need me at all. Just
knock and I'll get it, I'm a pretty light sleeper."
Harry saw how sheepish and scared Louis was as he entered the bedroom and as
much as it endeared him, it pained him too that despite everything they've
already done and how much Louis revealed about himself, he was still sceptical
and fidgety and Harry wanted to know all of the bad things that ever happened
to him that led him to be this way. He loves him either way, he did fall for
the broken boy stood in front of him after all, but still he wished Louis
hadn't been broken and beaten and hurt the way he has because the mere thought
of it, makes Harry blind with rage.
"Thank you so much." Louis said as he pulled Harry tightly to himself, hugging
him tighter than he ever has before and Harry hugged him back just the same,
immediately wrapping himself around Louis because they weirdly fit so well, too
well, together.
"You don't ha-"
"Thank you." Louis continued on stubbornly, ever so slightly kicking Harry in
the shin but it was more of a kiss of his toes than anything else really and
Harry smiled, hugging Louis even tighter as he kissed his hair like he loves
doing.
***
Harry hated doing this because it felt wrong while it also felt right.
It felt wrong because he wasn't allowed to think of Louis this way and Louis
didn't deserve to be thought of that way. He was like a princess really. He was
made to be worshipped. Every inch of his body needed to be worshipped and not
thought if in the filthiest ways imaginable just to send Harry over the edge,
Louis' name playing softly on his lips.
Not to mention that it was one thing when Harry wanked off to Louis in the
privacy of his own room, knowing that Louis was half a town away but it was an
entirely other thing to do it, fully aware that Louis is sleeping in the room
just across the hall and that he would only need to press his ear against the
door and he'd hear Harry's quiet bit back moans that sounded an awful lot like
Louis' name.
As Harry cleaned himself off with a cloth he already prepared for himself, the
softest of knocks was heard at the door and Harry just knew it was Louis. He
threw the cloth aimlessly somewhere out of sight and put on his bottoms since
he sleeps naked and it wouldn't be the most pleasant thing if Louis were to see
him naked right now.
So Harry rushed to the door, knowing already that Louis was probably retreating
back, finding whatever the reason is that made him come knocking in the
firstplace, rather stupid now and he feels embarrassed.
And just as suspected, Harry met Louis' retreating back instead of his
beautiful face and while it did endear him a little that he knew Louis so well,
it also broke him somewhat because there was nothing Louis should ever be
embarrassed about.
"Lou?" Harry called out softly and saw Louis freeze, head falling immeadiately
as he looked down at his feet. "Lou?" Harry repeated and Louis turned around
slowly and Harry hated that even in the dark, he could clearly make out the
tears as they rolled down his cheeks. Without a second of hesitation, Harry
crossed the distance between them and pulled Louis in for a tight hug, not
really caring about the reason behind his tears but really just needing Louis
to be okay. "You wanna stay with me for the night?" Harry asked and he didn't
expect to get such a firm nod but he loved it still and he slowly reatreated
back into his room and then closed the door as he walked them inside.
In only a few more steps, his knees reached his bed and he stopped and pulled
away from Louis only to softly push him down on the bed. He climbed in with him
and pulled the covers over them before he gathered Louis into his arms, holding
Louis' front to his own and he was terrifyingly happy that he wanked before
this because his dick was now safely soft in his bottoms, making for an easier
night for the both of them.
Truthfully, it bothered him that he was in any clothes at all right now but he
doesn't want to make Louis uncomfortable by being naked so he just accepted it
and hugged Louis tighter, loving how quickly his breathing evened out and he
was puffing out softly, clearly already asleep and Harry just knew it then. He
knew it in every other moment ever but he knew it now especially.
He was truly in love with Louis.
***
Louis had never felt this warm in his life. Every single inch of his skin was
burning and he hadn't decided whether or not he liked that.
What he could, though, very easily decide he liked, very much so, was the
feeling of being wrapped in Harry's arms as his soft, warm breath fanned Louis'
neck in small puffs, near snores and Louis just loved everything about this.
He woke up a little while ago because he had to pee but after trying to break
away from Harry uselessly, he just settled himself further in Harry's arms,
listening to his uneven heartbeat and he tried not to focus Harry's erection
that slowly grew, the longer he'd been awake. Louis wasn't bothered by it, not
at all. He knows enough about biology and the human body to know that morning
wood is one of those things a man can't quite control. Louis has had a few of
them himself but most of the time, he was either too cold or in too much pain
in the morning to get one.
It was a bit odd now, though, because Harry's hard-on was pressing right up
against Louis' flaccid cock, them being seperated by just a couple layers of
thin cotton clothing so Louis kept his moving at the lowest possible minimum to
keep from causing friction between them and he just stayed there, enjoying the
silence and comfort before they'd both have to get up and go to school.
Louis could actually get used to this. It was so amazing to just be sleeping
with Harry lke this. It was wonderful, really. And even though Louis was well
aware this wasn't something he could just do, it didn't stop him from wanting
to do this every night. It didn't stop him from wanting to ask Harry if he
could permanently move in here and spend every single night like this.
Suddenly, Harry groaned sleepily into Louis' neck and the sound sent a wave of
vibrations through Louis' whole body, even reaching the tip of his dick which
Louis found rather odd. Next, Louis felt Harry buck his hips forward and Louis
guessed Harry was still half asleep and hadn't really realised what he did. His
body just recognized that there was another warm body right there and it
naturally wanted friction.
"Shit!" Harry hissed and pulled away from Louis, making Louis miss his warmth
in an instant but he didn't let it show, while terrified look covered Harry's
face, along with a deep red blush. "Fuck I'm so sorry, I didn't me-"
"It's alright." Louis didn't expect his voice to come out so hoarse and so dry
and he especially didn't expect Harry's eyes to darken at the sound of it.
Feeling second hand embarrassment from what Harry just did, Louis said a simple
good morning before rushing outside to go the bathroom because he needed to pee
really badly. The painful tug on his bladder actually went away somewhat
because he wasn't focused on it all up until Harry pressed his own hard cock
into Louis' oversensitive, release begging one.
Louis pulled down the sweatpants that were far too big on him because they were
Harry's and he relieved himself, nearly moaning out at how good it felt to
finally pee after he's been holding it in for what felt like a century to him.
He flushed and washed his hands before going back outside. Because he hadn't
closed the door fully on his way out of Harry's room, he could see Harry
sprawled out on the bed still, the sheet moving up and down in an uneven motion
and Louis just wanted to give him privacy so he went to the guest bedroom to
put on his uniform and wait for Harry to be done.
He hated how early it still was because he didn't really know what to do now
before school. Usually he'd either study or lie in bed but he can't really do
either of those things now since this is Harry's home and he doesn't know how
Harry does things in the mornings. Maybe he'd know if he were awake Saturday
morning but he slept through most of it.
As Louis sat on the edge of the bed that he didn't even sleep in, whatever
little confidence he had just now, slowly faded away and he began feeling
unwelcome and scared and he sort of hated himself for last night too. It was
wrong of him to go to Harry in the middle of the night when he probably,
defenitely, didn't want him there.
Louis didn't like to think that Harry hates him but he has his doubtful moments
like this one right now when he's just convinced that Harry's just putting on a
show for Louis, pretending he likes him so he wouldn't hurt his feelings.
And the overflowing thoughts managed to get Louis to start crying. He brought
the heels of his palms to his face and cried quietly into them because the
thought of Harry hating him more than anyone else does was tearing him down,
taking a certain toll on his beaten down body and he just didn't want to be
this lost cause, this sad story anymore but he knew he couldn't change or fix
anything because a failure is something he'll forever be.
Louis didn't hear Harry call out for him and he didn't hear him knocking on the
door and he didn't hear him enter the room and it even took him a bit to
realise Harry was actually holding him in his arms again now, rubbing his back
softly like he does, lips pressing to Louis' hair.
"What's wrong Lou? Why are you crying?" Harry's voice was soft and honest just
like it always is and it strangely bothered Louis that that's how it was
because it made it difficult for him to believe Harry hates him.
Louis pushed Harry away, missing the hurt flashing in his eyes as he spoke "You
hate me."
As if offended, Harry shook his head firmly and just tugged at Louis, hugging
him tightly despite how much Louis resisted until Louis finally relaxed into
the hold, crying even harder. "Never, Louis. Never. Never have and never will.
Never, ever, ever. Never." Louis just continued crying, unable to really stop
himself and Harry just... Held him. He accepted his brokenness and just held
him. He hummed softly to a melody of a song Louis couldn't recognize and he
kissed Louis' hair like he always does and Louis felt himself start to slowly
calm down.
"I'm sorry." Louis didn't really know what exactly he was apologizing for but
he was apologizing nevertheless and Harry just chuckled, shaking his head.
"Please don't apologize Louis. It's alright to cry and it's alright to be a
little insecure sometimes. We all get like that. Just don't think too much of
it alright? 's not healthy to dwell on things." Louis just nodded into Harry's
chest, vowing to himself to listen to Harry and to stop being such a mess.
The thing Louis loved about Harry's hugs was that he never lets go first. Not
once has Harry let go first. Louis could just stay wrapped around him like a
vine for days and Harry wouldn't let go and that meant so much to Louis
actually because he knew he could always count on Harry and his comfort.
Feeling it was quite enough now, Louis pulled away and Harry was smiling
brightly at him, eyes shining with pride as he reached his hands up to Louis'
cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs before he used the leverage he
had to pull Louis' in closer so he could kiss his forehead, whispering against
the skin there softly "I'm so proud of you Louis and I could never hate you.
Never."
Louis blushed a little and nodded, fighting back a smile as they both got up
and Harry suggested they go have some breakfast before they leave for school
and Louis was quite alright with that since he hadn't really eaten anything in
a few days. Well other than the pudding yesterday but that was barely filling.
***
"Are you gonna be alright?" Harry asked Louis as they slowly approached the
school and Louis gave a small nod, doubting that he'll be alright but he knew
he'd be seeing Harry for lunch and that he'd probably catch a glimpse here and
there of him and he has History with Zayn and all of these things do comfort
Louis a bit but then his mind drifts back to the fact he'll have to go back to
the house today and he doesn't want to do that.
Since it's Friday, Harry kept asking Louis if he wanted to have another
sleepover since the boys have been planning to have one anyways but Louis just
doesn't want to live off Harry. Well, he does... Kind of... He likes the way
Harry takes care of him and he'd love to have another sleepover with the boys
because it makes for some great bonding time but his doubts from earlier today
haven't gone away. He still feels like the boys secretely hate him but keep it
all a hidden secret so they wouldn't hurt him.
"Lou talk to me, what's on your mind?" Harry said softly and came to a halt
near the gate for the school yard. "You haven't been this quiet in a while."
Slowly, Harry stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Louis comfortingly
and Louis wondered how Harry always knew when Louis needed his comfort. How
Harry always seemed to know when Louis needed a hug but was too afraid to ask
for one.
"I don't know..." Louis simply said and Harry chuckled a bit. "I just- I- I
don't know..."
"Does it have to do with the sleepover? You know we're not forcing you to do
that right? We just wanna get to know you better and I want you to be safe and
warm." Louis loved Harry's comforting words. He really did. And his soft, yet
so deep, voice as he spoke and just the way he always knew how to trigger
Louis' boldness that shone so rarely but always at the right time.
"I just don't wanna be a drag. That will be two nights in a row I spent at
yours Harry. I don't wanna live off you." Harry kissed Louis' hair again and
sighed a little.
"I know there's not much I can say to convince you you're thinking wrong about
this but please know that you're not living off me. I'd much rather have you
spend every night at mine and have you there in my bed, smothering me to death
with how warm you are than to lose sleep thinking about what's it like for you
there when you're on your own. I know they're gonna figure out you're not
staying there if we do this too often but two nights isn't a big deal. Not to
me and surely not to my mum and step dad either. I'm not forcing you. Just...
Just think about it."
Harry always spoke so breathtakingly slow that his voice always somehow seemed
to make Louis nearly fall asleep at random. It was always just so soothing and
deep and probably the nicest thing ever to listen to. It was like magic every
time he spoke and the words he spoke were always the rightest words he could
say. It was strange but Louis loved it nevertheless.
"I'll think about it." Louis whispered, nodding a little into Harry's chest
before pulling away from the hug and for the first time ever, a smile broke
effortlessly. Harry didn't say anything after that, just smiled back, and Louis
said nothing either as they continued their way to the school enterance.
***
Louis had been smiling for close to an hour now, unable to wipe the foolish
smile off his face because he just felt so good and so happy for once.
When Harry was talking about the sleepover, Louis had completely forgotten it
was now officially December which meant it was finally okay to start decorating
your house according to rules of Christmas and Louis had never experienced
this. Every year, he was just shoved out of the way while the rest of the kids
had their fun but this year was different and Louis was so really happy about
that.
Suddenly, just as Louis attached another shiny, red ball to the string of
Christmas lights that hung over the archway that seperated Harry's kitchen and
living room, he felt someone grab his arm softly and pull him back before he
was suddenly spinning in the cleared up area of the living room, furniture no
longer in the way. "C'mon Lou, let's dance!" Harry yelled excitedly and began
dancing around Louis, making Louis' smile burn into his cheeks.
"I don't know how to." Louis said quietly, afraid the other boys will hear him
even though Christmas songs were blasting and he could barely hear his own
thoughts.
Harry laughed, throwing his head back as he further sipped his bear that his
step dad let him have only because it's Christmas time and it's sort of alright
for him to drink now. "I don't either but I still do it!" Despite Harry's
encouraging words, Louis just shook his head and backed away from Harry, rather
focusing on the ornaments that he was ordered to hang around while Zayn and
Liam worked on making everything festive and then Harry and Niall were just
sort of... There.
Neither of them did anything helpful as they both just drank their beers and
danced around like they had nothing better to do. Well, Harry was helping his
mum bake earlier but then she kicked him out of the kitchen because he got too
drunk to follow her rules and to stop laughing. Since then, it's been just hell
for everyone else, Louis especially, because he served as an amazing
distraction from things that clearly mattered to Anne and Robin and Louis jusy
kept getting this odd urge to pull Harry into the bathroom and have him rub in
the cream all over his bruises again and kiss them like he did yesterday
because that was probably the greatest feeling ever for Louis.
"I need a volounteer for my biscuits!" Anne announced from the kitchen and in a
gust of wind, Louis was left alone in the living, the rest of the boys already
in the kitchen, fighting over the biscuits. "You lot are useless!" Anne groaned
and suddenly, she was standing next to Louis, a biscuit held softly in her
hand. "Here, you taste it." Louis eyed the Christmas tree shaped biscuit and he
already knew he'd probably throw it up or spit it out because it was too sweet
but he didn't want to be rude so he took it from Anne with a smile, earning one
back as he slowly bit off the top of the tree.
In the corner of his eye,  Louis could see the boys pouting at him because he
got the biscuit, all except for Harry who had a concerned look on his face,
clearly knowing how Louis was going to take the biscuit. Surprisingly, though,
Louis swallowed it and it weirdly tasted somewhat good. Bit raw and empty,
defenitely far too sweet, but it was alright. "S' good." Louis nodded and Anne
smiled brightly, mumbling something then, accent going thicker than it ever has
before and suddenly she was gone back into the kitchen and Louis finally let
himself truly react to how awful the biscuit tasted in his mouth.
"It's alright. You want to spit it out?" Harry asked, suddenly sober somehow as
he came to clutch at Louis, hiding his disgusted face from the still displeased
boys that were deprived of their biscuit.
"I don't want to..."
"But you have to." Harry finished for Louis and rubbed his back softly. "Let's
do it then alright. I'll be with you." Harry kept cooing like that softly as he
led Louis to the bathroom, closing the door behind them as they went inside.
Louis knelt down next to the toilet, feeling ill suddenly for so many reasons,
most of them linking back to Harry and he felt tears start prickling because he
hated throwing up but it just became a natural, normal thing for him by now.
"Just take your time, Lou, don't rush." Harry cooed softly and moved even
closer to Louis, kissing the side of his head softly. Truthfully, Louis felt a
little embarrassed now because Harry was there and he didn't want to show him
this side of him even though he's seen it already and he's seen something far
worse. Yet still, Louis couldn't be more glad that he wasn't so alone anymore.
That Harry truly cared about him.
Louis was well aware that Harry knew throwing food up wasn't going to solve
anything and that it wasn't healthy at all to do it but he also knew it wasn't
that easy to stop doing that so that's why he's there in times like these,
because then next time, he can have more control over Louis and he can easily
guide him through it.
And before Louis could thank Harry for it, his stomach was pressing against his
throat and he was suddenly throwing up most of the food he had in his system,
the chocolate pudding from yesterday somehow standing out in the mush of it all
and he kind of hated it because he felt bad. Harry paid for that pudding
because Louis had no money and he said that even if he did, he still would be
the one paying and that made Louis feel warm, like most things about Harry do.
It was also the one food he ate entirely without once thinking about throwing
it up. It was special in that way.
Louis was soon done and Harry brought a damp cloth, that he seemingly brought
out of nowhere, to Louis' mouth, wiping away vomit that had gathered around
Louis' chapped lips and Louis felt all types of ways, none of them quite
reaching his heart so he just let himself fall into Harry's arms, begging his
stomach to settle already because there wasn't anything left for him to throw
up.
"Thank you." Louis whispered into Harry's chest, feeling empty and hungry now
that he'd thrown up and Harry just held him tighter, kissing his hair
continously while Louis waited for his stomach to truly settle.
***
"Lads it's snowing!" as soon as the words had left Niall's mouth, everyone had
gathered around the window to watch the snowflakes fall down slowly and because
Louis was much too slow, he was just stood behind everyone, not really getting
a view.
That was until Harry noticed and he moved to the side a little, letting Louis
stand in front of him, right by the window and Harry rested his arms
comfortingly around Louis' waist, his fingers softly tickling Louis' tummy and
he squirmed a little in his touch before settling his back against Harry's
front and just watching the snow.
Louis loves snow, always has. He doesn't really know why or what it is about it
that makes him love it so much but he does love it. He just loves watching it
fall and it's so terribly soft and just everything about it is magnificent.
It's truly like a work of magic and if you focus hard enough, you can see how
every snowflake truly is different than the other and Louis really loves
figuring that out.
Slowly, Louis reached his hand up to the window where a few flakes have fallen
and he drags his finger along the outline of those, already noticing how
different they are. "You like snow?" Harry asked but it was more of an
observation as he hummed to a random Christmas song and Louis nodded a little,
moving his finger to outline other snowflakes.
"Hey lads see this!" Niall fanned his breath on the glass and used his fingers
to draw a snowman in the foggy area and Harry stiffled back a laugh, the
vibration of it sending a weird shock through Louis' body.
"Mum will kill you if she sees that." Harry warned quietly and everyone laughed
as Niall tried to make it all better by smudging away the fog with his hand, as
if that wasn't going to leave a stain on the glass pane. Pane. Pane is pretty
much the same as Payne, Liam's last name. Louis giggled at the thought and he
felt cock his head a little where it laid on his shoulder. "What's funny?"
Harry's warm breath fanned Louis' ear and Louis just felt himself melt at it,
the wamrth incredibly comforting even though Louis was far from feeling cold.
"Pane is the same as Payne." Louis explained, still giggling and Harry just
furrowed his eyebrows, clearly not getting the joke which only just proved how
similar the two words are. "Pane as in window pane is the same as Payne as in
Liam Payne." Louis explained more slowly this time, for some reason making his
voice quieter as if only Harry could hear it. Once he got the joke, Harry just
started laughing into Louis' shoulder, most probably still buzzed from the year
and to say his laughter tickled Louis' exposed neck would be an understatement.
Louis squirmed a little, realising it was a rather big mistake to do that
because Harry figured out immeadiately why he was squirming so he started
blowing raspberries onto the exposed skin there and tightened his hold around
Louis' waist, keeping him still there and Louis couldn't really move. All he
could do was push his head against Harry's to move his lips away but it didn't
help because Harry was relentless and wouldn't stop.
And if he was honest, Louis didn't want him to stop. It tickled a lot and it
was weird and slightly uncomfortable but it also felt really nice. And really,
really wet but still nice. Like really nice. Louis couldn't decide whether it
was so nice because it would usually feel nice or if it felt nice because it
was Harry doing it. Still he didn't mind it.
"Jesus lads get a room!" Zayn teased with a laugh and Harry didn't stop, he
just flipped Zayn off and Louis couldn't hold back a laugh because Harry
doesn't strike him as the type to be rude.
Louis laughing was a rarity, though, so, for a little bit, it felt like time
had stopped. Harry stopped blowing raspberries, Niall and Liam stopped fighting
about whether or not the glass would stain now and Zayn just stared at Louis, a
small smile playing on his lips and Louis had never been so shy and
embarrassed. His cheeks tinted pink and he felt butterflies try to kick out of
him through the form of vomit and he hated it. He hated all of it.
"Hey let's watch a movie." Harry suggested, clearly trying to deter the
attention from Louis and his laugh to the choosing of the movie and it worked
just fine because everyone started discussing movies that were appropriate for
this time of the year.
Niall wanted Die Hard, Zayn wanted Home Alone, Liam wanted 12 Days of
Christmas and Louis wanted none of them but he didn't want to choose because he
didn't know what else movie he even wanted to watch since he doesn't know any.
He faintly remembers a few from a long, long time ago but he doesn't know the
names and so he can't really choose.
As the boys went further back into the living room, plopping down on the floor
and discussing movies, Harry rubbed his hands over Louis' tummy in comforting
circles and sighed a bit before he, for the first time ever, planted a kiss to
Louis' cheek. His lips were as always so soft and warm and just a tad bit wet
and as soon as they made contact with Louis cheek in thr form of a kiss, Louis
lit up on fire again. He was burning inside and out and there wasn't anything
he could do about it now really because Harry knew what the kiss did to him as
he was now smiling against Louis' cheek.
"You have no idea, Louis, just how proud of you I am." he placed one more soft
kiss to Louis' cheek, this one sloppier and more wet but it was still just as
magical and it made Louis break into a huge, face splitting smile before Harry
released him from his hold and went over to the boys to sit on the floor,
patting the spot next to him that everyone already knew was Louis' and Louis
gladly went over and plopped down.
***
"Louuu, good morning..." Harry's voice was quiet and soft in Louis' ear and
Louis could listen to it for days. It sounded so nice, so, so terribly nice.
Not wanting to get up yet or even open his eyes, Louis just snuggled himself
further into the familiar chest in front of him and rubbed his head against it
a little before finally settling himself deep within Harry's hold where it was
difficult to breathe but he didn't care because Harry was soft and warm and
Louis never wanted to leave this position. Chuckling, Harry started rubbing
Louis' back like he does and he placed a soft kiss to the side of Louis' head.
"Lou c'mon we have to get up eventually."
"You were fine leaving me asleep last week. What's changed Haz?" Louis couldn't
escape the teasing tone of his voice as he said that and he started giggling
into Harry's chest, making him sqirm.
Harry chuckled "Nothing's changed Lou but noon is on the horizon and I normally
don't sleep this late."
"Then you get up, I'm fine like this." Louis countered, snuggling himself even
further into Harry if that was even possible.
"I would but you're not letting me." it wasn't until then that Louis realised
he was quite literally wrapped around Harry. His right leg was threaded between
Harry's, his left was over Harry, his heel reaching Harry's ass, his left arm
was thrown around Harry, stroking the back of his neck while he had his head
rested on his right arm that was threaded up and behind Harry's head where
Louis had his fingers burrowed in Harry's curls.
"Oh..." Louis blushed, feeling guilty immeadiately and he slowly started
unwrapping himself from Harry, carefully retreating his long lost limbs, all of
which were numb by now which is probably why Louis had no idea that's the
position they were in.
Harry took a deep breath as Louis pushed himself away from Harry and where
Louis expected to see an annoyed frown, was actually a big, bright smile that
almost made unwrapping himself from Harry worth while because he got to see
those beautiful green eyes that he was starting to be more and more fond of as
the days went by.
"Fuck me you're warm." Harry groaned with a smile, catching his breath still
before leaning over to kiss Louis' forehead. "The boys are all in the kitchen
having breakfast, we should probably join them." Harry's voice and hands were
just so disgustingly gentle and soft and so fucking warm that Louis just wanted
to go back into the position from a minute ago but instead he gave Harry a nod
and slowly started to get up on his wobbly, numb legs. "You okay?" Harry asked,
catching Louis in his arms a little and Louis nodded, turning around to head to
the kitchen because he was now a tad bit embarrassed about the way he slept
around Harry the whole night and he couldn't even look Harry in the eye
anymore.
 
 
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     A/N: this chapter briefly gets a bit gresome and disgusting so watch
     out for that :<
Louis wanted nothing more but to go to Harry's now so Harry could hug and
comfort him but he took enough from Harry the past couple days alone that going
back there now would just be wrong and Louis would be taking way too much. So
instead of doing that, Louis limped his way back into his room and stripped out
of his clothes, giving the large cut on his leg a good look.
Frankly, he should've expected it. It was clear now that they noticed Louis was
staying at the house less and less or at least that he was in his room all day,
only coming out briefly for breakfast, some days not even that, and for shower/
laundry day. In any other situation it'd be endearing that they miss Louis but
in this one, Louis fears for his life.
Truthfully, Louis did expect to get beaten again as soon as he showed his face
back at the hosue, if his encounter with Simon on Thrusday was anything to go
by, but he didn't expect it to get this bad. He expected punches and kicks,
maybe a few chokeholds too, just the stuff he was used to by now, but when Dan
pulled out that knife, that's when Louis knew he should always expect the
unexpected. Always. No matter what.
Because he knew the care Tamara takes of utilities and knives especially, Louis
knew that if not treated immeadiately with either alcohol or fire, the wound
could infect and by the time he got to treatment, he could lose his leg.
Which is why Louis was frantically looking around his room, trying to find a
box of matches or a lighter since he knew he didn't have alcohol and that's
when he remembered that there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. If
only he could get to it without getting beaten along the way.
Deciding the risk was worth the beating, Louis put his clothes back on and
opened the door, slowly, as silently as possible, limping his way into the
bathroom. But just as his luck would have it, Dan was waiting outside the
bathroom, smirking evily as he leaned himself against the frame of the bathroom
door, blocking Louis' path. Louis knew he wouldn't budge easily but he went and
tried it anyway, politely asking Dan to move out the way.
Much to his surprise, Dan actually listened and moved, letting Louis through.
As soon as Louis entered the bathroom, though, he could smell the burning
alcohol all around him. Everywhere, it was. They spilt it. They knew he'd need
it and they spilt it. Louis wanted to scream now, both from the pain and the
agony because they tricked him, they always do, but he didn't.
He didn't because he knew it would only bring further satisfaction to their
sadistic selves so instead of letting them know he was panicking more than just
slightly now, he closed the door behind him and threw himself on the floor,
falling into the puddle of rubbing alcohol that was spread on the floor.
It was the only way to get the rubbing alcohol in the wound without infecting
it even more. This way, his sweatpants would filter the bad bacteria and it
would stay within the fabric while the liquid seeped through, desinfecting the
far too large cut on the side of his thigh.
He bit his lip until he tasted blood and rolled in the alcohol a little to get
as much of it as possible before he stood up slowly and took the sweatpants
off. They were soaked in blood and alcohol and he'd never felt such great pain
in only one area at a time. Usually, when it hurt this bad, it hurt all over
but now, it hurt just there, just his thigh, and he could barely take the pain
without screaming.
Quickly, Louis left the bathroom and sighed in relief when he saw no one was in
sight so he just limped his way, as fast as he could, back into his room again
where he took the rest of his clothes off and dug out a random white shirt that
he outgrew a long time ago before he ripped it so the fabric would be longer
and he wrapped it tightly around his thigh so make sure the alcohol stays in,
as well as the blood, but also so it serves as a bandaid or maybe stitches of
some sort.
Once done, Louis dug out his onesie from his bag and he smiled to himself
because he just wore it at Harry's and slept there too, wrapped around Harry so
it smelled like him again. Harry's scent was probably the nicest thing to
smell. It was better than flowers, better than cinnamon, better than hot coco,
it was simply the best thing in the world.
It was a mix of strawberry shampoo, freshly rained upon grass, light sweat,
warmth, (Louis had no idea warmth had a scent but it certainly does now) and
home. Louis doesn't really know what home smells like since it's not like he
ever had one but he knows if his home did have a smell, it would smell exactly
like Harry. Exactly like that.
***
It felt odd to Louis to be having breakfast back at the house after he'd
skipped it so much and then spent so much time at Harry's, eating and more over
there. It felt weird and like he belonged even less than before. His leg was
absolutely throbbing painfully and that fact that he'd slept and let it rest
just worsened the pain because the wound is slowly healing but his body can't
heal it as well or as quickly as it would if he got stitches like he knows he
needs.
One time, when he was much younger, he climbed a tree to hide from Dan and on
his way down, he fell from a pretty high branch and gashed his arm pretty bad.
He knew he couldn't get actual stitches so he tried to stitch it up himself but
it nearly got infected so he had to take them out and now he has, probably the
ugliest scar he could have, that has slowly been covered by other scars as well
and the whole thing just makes his arm look terrifying.
Louis wonders if Harry ever sees him naked, what he'll think of him. He's seen
the bruises and Louis remembers the crestfallen look that floods Harry's face
every single time he sees them, touches them, and mainly when he kisses them
because it's like he can feel them under his lips. He knows that Harry hates
them and thinks they're ugly but Louis didn't give them to himself, others did.
Which is exactly why Louis is pretty much a 100% sure that if Harry ever saw
his self inflicted scars, he would freak out and hate Louis forever. He'd
probably hit him too.
Louis can't actually imagine Harry hitting anyone but he probably would hit
Louis simply because he deserves to get hit and even more than that. The
thought sent a shudder down Louis' spine and he'd be damned if someone didn't
notice it right away.
Simon said something about it, of course, but Louis can't hear him now because
he's trying to focus his mind on Harry, the only thing he can think of without
it eventually looping around to the thoughts of suicide. He just knows this
now, that Harry is like a calming wave. He's like a summer breeze or a breath
of fresh air. He's a breath of fresh air for Louis and the air around Louis had
been polluted for years.
***
Louis couldn't give a reason why he couldn't fall asleep that night but he just
knew he couldn't. He lied awake in his bed, turning over and over with the top
of his onesie clutched in his hand so he can smell it and smile to himself
because it smells like Harry and it keeps bringing him out of reality and into
memories he shares with Harry already or maybe some fantasies he has about
Harry.
Louis fantasises about Harry quite a lot even though he's not allowed to.
They're mostly about how Harry's kisses have gone from Louis' forehead to his
chest to his whole torso and most recently to his cheeks and how eventually
they might move down to Louis' lips and Louis will pass out from it because
Harry's lips are amazing.
But as Louis lied awake, thinking about Harry and how nice he smells and how
his lips are always so soft and a tad bit wet, Cara lied in her bed, in the
room just next door and she couldn't possibly fall asleep either.
Since she got here about 4 years ago, Cara had been a weak link in the house.
Her luck lied in Louis who was an even weaker link that took all the abuse in
the house. Be it from the eldest kids, Simon and Dan, or the masters, George
and Tamara, or the rest of the kids in between that were always bored and fed
off pain, Louis would just take all of it. All the abuse.
However, as Louis started to skip breakfast and supper and how he stopped
coming out of his room and how everyone noticed he'd barely been sleeping in
the house, Cara caught the short end of the straw and the abuse over her had
gotten worse.
Tamara slapped her just yesterday for chucking a crayon at the wall and it
didn't even leave a mark.
George is a whole different story, however. Cara doesn't know who we took his
sick perversions out on before she came here but it's all she knows about this
place. All she'll ever know probably. He hadn't done anything yet because he
tried once and he couldn't fit and Cara was getting too loud so he stopped. But
that only stopped him for so much because his fingers never stopped. They never
went away. They were always there. On her flat chest, on her bum, sometimes
even in her bum and she hated it. She didn't understand why she was singled out
for this George's doing but she was and that's all she knew. All she'll ever
know probably.
Cara didn't lie to Louis when she said the night he hugged her was the first
ever that she didn't have a nightmare. It truly was like that. She still
doesn't know why Louis did it, it's not like she deserved it given how she
never comforted him like that, bur nevertheless she was still grateful. Both
for the hug and his huge, warm heart that managed to put away the hate he
inevitably feels for everyone in the house and decided to comfort Cara when she
didn't the least bit deserve it.
Cara knows it. She knows George's footsteps too well now. She barely sleeps at
night anymore. She mostly just goes to the library during lunch and sleeps in
the uncomfortable chairs there. She hates it but she has no other choice. She
never sleeps because she knows George is constantly waiting somewhere to just
pop out and do something. So many night she wishes someone would just stay
awake a bit longer so he wouldn't come but no one ever does so George always
comes and there is absolutely nothing, she can ever do to stop him because she
is weak and pathetic and that's all she knows.
So as Cara tries to bring her mind back to how good she felt when Louis had
comforted her, she can quite literally feel George's presence in the room. Soon
it feels like he's standing right over her bed which he is. Like he always is.
"Hey there my little sunflower. Miss me?" George's voice was always deep and
rough, as rough as his hands, and Cara hated it so much every time she heard
him speak that she had to try hard to keep from crying. She felt George graze
his fingers over her bum and she flinched, winced in pain like she always does
because sometimes his hands are too rough and they leave marks, small bruises
that no one ever sees, that no one knows they exist.
"'m tired." Cara tried to bargain even though she knew it would do nothing to
help her. George was always relentless and he never cared about what she wants
and doesn't want. Not once.
"I'll be quick tonight then." Geroge whispered and his fingers easily slipped
under her bottoms down her crack like they always do. Cara never understood his
infatuation with a hole she poops out of. It makes no sense. Everyone knows
that poop smells and that bumholes smell too. So the fact that Geroge always
made sure to put his fingers in probably the smelliest places a body has, truly
made Cara a little sick every time he did it.
***
"I could seriously get used to this." Harry murmered and Louis let out an
involuntairy noise that he couldn't be bothered to care about right now.
"You could get used to it? Imagine me." Louis felt the deep vibration of
Harry's chuckled and he had to shift himself a bit because it tickled a bit.
Since their Thursday nap in the library, they've realised that that should be a
more regular thing. No neccessarily the sleeping part but surely the part where
they topple over each other like a house of cards and just rest in the bean
bags, breathing and purring into the other one's neck as they push and pull
each other's hair. That was the part they agreed they both loved a lot.
As nice as it felt to be resting on Harry's lap, nearly falling asleep to the
sound of his heartbeat, Louis couldn't help but wish Harry would be on his lap
for once. He doesn't know why and he can't explain the oddest of needs for that
but it is what it is.
But even if Harry would want that, he wouldn't be able to because Louis' thigh
still hurts like a motherfucker. The knife went in deeper than Louis had
thought and it really, really hurts now. What hurts, not more but almost
eaqually, is that he has to pretend like it doesn't. Around Harry, that is. He
has to fight against his limp, he has to bite back the hisses and painful
sound, he has to deny to himself that he feels any pain at all because he
doesn't want Harry to worry.
Truthfully, it's because Harry has already done more than enough and it scares
him to know that if Harry knew about the newest of wounds, he would try and do
something about it, anything, and Louis just can't have more of Harry's help on
his conscience. Not after he keeps offering his home in case Louis ever feels
like the house is suffocating him or if he's ever hurt badly enough.
"What are you thinking about Lou?" Harry asked quietly, voice so soft and so...
Harry, that Louis felt himself melt further into Harry's hold, without a single
thought, his body sliding further down Harry's legs so that their laps were now
proper flushed against each other.
"Nothing really." Louis answered back in the same tone and he was just so
thankful that about 30 minutes into their study session, the librarian would
leave to have a smoke outside and she'd come back nearly an hour later which
gave the two boys plenty of time to just sit back and relax in the bean bags,
tugging each other so neither would fall asleep.
"C'mon talk to me. I wanna know your brain." Harry said and angled his head so
he could see Louis but Louis had his eyes closed still, one of his hands
playing with the button of Harry's shirt, buttoning it and unbuttoning it.
Louis opened his eyes slowly, meeting Harry's smiling plum lips before he
flicked up to look at his green eyes that were just soft and kind and Louis
wanted to kiss them for some reason. The want made absolutely no sense to him
but then again, like anything revolving around Harry ever made any sense.
He shrugged then, not really sure if he should tell Harry about the wound
because, although he knows that Harry will freak out, he doesn't like keeping
secrets from Harry now that he's revealed so much. But, as Louis thought about
showing Harry the wound, he realised he'd have to show the cuts too so instead
of dwelling on the self asked question some more, he threw the whole thought
process out the window and closed his eyes again, fingers buttoning the button
now.
"Wanna play a game of associations?" Harry asked after they've been quiet for a
bit and it was a good thing he did because Louis was starting to fall asleep.
Associations had always been a fun game and it is one of the only things from
his childhood that Louis would ever look back at fondly so he didn't hesitate
when he nodded his head into Harry's chest, fingers still focused on the
button, the strings of which he'd probably loosened to the point of falling out
now but he couldn't care about a stupid button if he wanted to.
"I'll start," Harry breathed and Louis nodded "Car."
"Drive."
"Long."
"Hair."
"Yours."
And so they went on. Piling word after word, laughing a little at how their
brains ran everywhere, grasping the weirdest of topics without an obvious
connection of the words and if he wasn't talking and laughing, Louis would be
sure he was asleep now because of just how peaceful he felt. It was something
out of this world really, it was like magic.
His eyes were closed, his breathing even, and although his heart was racing
like crazy and he could bet Harry felt it against his own, Louis was the
calmest he'd ever been and without even sleeping. Once he finally opened his
eyes when they both went quiet, too bored of the game by now, he felt as rested
as he would if they actually did nap and he wondered if Harry felt as rested
too.
Louis pressed both his palms flatly against Harry's chest before pushing
himself away, making Harry giggle and squirm a bit with the way he clawed
Harry's shirt with his fists. "Stop that." Harry squealed and it reminded Louis
of Friday night when they watched the snow fall and Harry kept tickling him and
blowing raspberries.
Louis... Smirked a little, something so out of character for him but he
couldn't care right now because, before he could think it through, Louis was
tickling Harry mercilessly and Harry kept squealing and trying to push Louis
away but he wouldn't budge. It was fun to Louis. This whole thing was and he
was really glad that Harry was the way he was and that he didn't care that
Louis was so weird and knew nothing and that he was ugly and fat and that
everyone hated him. Harry put all these things aside and liked Louis for
something Louis himself couldn't even see.
Or, maybe, Harry bundled all these things into a small ball in his head
called Louis that was full of reasons why Harry chose to be nice to Louis and
like him and consider him a friend. Louis likes to consider that's the case
because he himself has a ball in his head called Harry and it's dazzled in
green and warmth and softness and wherever you go, soft curls are beneath your
firngertips and with every breath you smell Harry and the smell makes you
sleepy and relaxed and Harry's soft lips atop of your own is the thought you'll
always fall asleep to and that's something you can count on.
"Thank you." Louis said quietly once he stopped tickling Harry and Harry
furrowed his eyebrows, breath quick and heavy as he tried to come down from the
high of having been tickled.
"What for?"
Louis gave it a long thought. He wasn't sure what exactly he was thanking Harry
for. It felt a little like he was thanking him for simply just, everything. So
Louis shook his head and fought back a smile that threatened to break. "Just...
Just thank you." Harry smiled wide at that and leaned up, cupping Louis' face
with his big, yet soft, hands and he kissed Louis on the forehead like he
always does and Louis couldn't even fight the smile anymore.
"Do you even feel like doing math anymore?" Harry asked as Louis pushed himself
up off his lap, stretching a bit and letting out a satisfied groan when his
back crackled, his mucles expanding nicely.
Louis yawned restfully and shook his head "Since that A last week I don't think
I'll even need tutoring anymore. Seems like we're quite the done deal here
Harold." Louis was glad to see Harry's dimples pop with a smile, meaning he
clearly knew Louis was joking about being done and Harry decided to joke back.
"Fine by me but you'll have to pay up then Lewis." Louis cringed at the name
and it sounded even more disgusting coming from Harry because he always calls
him Lou, a nickname as far from Lewis as it possibly could be. Louis didn't
want to gag at the awful name but he couldn't help himself because that was the
one name he never wanted to hear leave Harry's mouth. "You alright?" Harry was
right by Louis in a heartbeat, hands immeadiately going to Louis' waist as if
Louis was going to faint which he might as well now that he heard that name
again.
"Yeah just... Don't call me Lewis." by the change of Harry's demeanour, Louis
knew Harry knew why Louis didn't like the name. The green in his eyes darkened
and his jaw tightened as he nodded before wrapping his arms further around
Louis' waist, pulling him in for a hug.
"Never." Harry promised and kissed Louis' hair before Louis pushed himself
away, deciding it was enough cuddling for today.
"Let's head out." Louis said quietly and Harry gave him a small nod before they
packed up their books and left the library, left the school all the while Louis
was desperately trying not to limp because he didn't want Harry to be worried.
 
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     Smut.
"I don't know the number." Louis said sheepishly and the officer rolled her
eyes for probably the hundreath time in the past 10 minutes.
"Well do you know the name at least? We can find them in the system if you know
the name." Louis gave a long thought to her suggestion, unsure if he wants to
give them Tamara or George's name so they can bail him out.
Louis ended up in jail. Well almost. See, he wanted to get the boys something
for Christmas since it's only days away now but he doesn't have any money so he
decided to steal them something and just like he knew he would, Louis got
caught and was handed to the police a little over a half hour ago which is when
they brought him over to the police station where he's had to wait until
somebody comes to talk to him.
An officer, who goes by the name of Luna, came by and she asked him if there
was anything else he'd stolen other than what he was made to leave at the store
and he told there wasn't and she believed him which is good because he was
telling the truth and then she was asking him about why he did it and he lied,
saying it was for fun because he didn't want to tell the truth about that
particular thing and now she's asking him information on his parents that he
doesn't have so they can call them here and let them take Louis home.
Thing is, Louis would actually much rather spend a night or two in jail than
call up George and say he got arrested for steaing because he knows today would
be the last day he walked and talked properly. Last day he breathed properly.
So, despite his gut telling him not to, Louis uttered a name that would
probably get him into a wholesome more trouble than stealing did. "Anne Twist."
And so the night began.
***
"Yes, uhm, we're here for Louis... Louis Tomlinson." Louis could recognize that
voice pretty much anywhere by now because it was always so soft and loving and
the accent was quite recognizable too but as much as he loved hearing it now,
he hated it just as much. He didn't think Anne would really show up for him.
She had absolutely no reason to. She could've just said that Louis wasn't her
son and hung up the phone and then Louis would bear the consequences and he'd
be fine with that because at least then he wouldn't feel as guilty and as
nervous to see her.
"Of course, right this way." a voice said and seemingly led the way to where
Louis was sat outside the holding cell, handcuffed to the bench and slowly,
Anne's terrifyingly worried face came into view and Louis gulped visibly, just
as a mop of soft, brown curls appeared behind Anne, Harry's face flooded with
worry and confusion and just a hint of fear and Louis wished he could take back
the events of tonight all the way to when Luna asked him for a name because
then he wouldn't have to go through the pain and agony of explaining away what
happened and why Harry and Anne are now both standing in front of him,
demanding answers with their eyes but their voice remain soft and loving and
comforting, making Louis feel even more guilty if that's even possible.
"Can we be alone with him?" Anne asked after the three had exchanged regular
greetings and Luna nodded before unlocking Louis' handcuffs and leading them
into a nearby interrogation room where she cuffed him to the desk just for good
measure then left them alone for a bit. Anne sighed as she took a seat, Harry
remained standing, still quiet, still worried and confused and then she spoke.
"Louis, I'm sorry to be rude, but what the hell is going on?"
Louis looked down, unable to look at her, or Harry, anymore and he could feel
tears start prickling because he truly felt guilty and wrong and he wished he
had his blade right now so he could ease the stress but, since he didn't, Louis
settled for jabbing his fingers into the healing gash on his thigh, wincing and
hissing quietly into his chin so they wouldn't notice.
"I- I- I... It's Christmas almost and I w-wan- I wanted to get you all
something as a thank you for being s- so nice and kind to me but I didn't have
any money so I thought I'd steal something instead a- and I g- got caught and
wh- when they asked for a contact to call to bail me out, I- said your name
instead of the masters' be- because I didn't wan- want them to kn- know." Louis
couldn't help cry as he explained away his actions because the guilt and
everything completely took him over and he wishes he could turn back time
"Oh dear..." Anne's eyes were watery and red now too and Louis felt so, so
incredibly guilty as he listened to her because he didn't deserve to be treated
this way. "Honey you didn't have to get us anything and you definitely
shouldn't have tried to steal us anything."
Louis sniffled "I'm sorry."
"Oh honey come here," Anne got up from her chair and came to hug Louis, her
touch soft and warm, even warmer than Harry's and her hold was tight around
Louis, comforting definitely, but still tight. "It's alright darling, the
important thing is that you are okay and that you didn't get into any bigger
trouble. Let's get you out of this place and then we'll talk more once you're
safe and warm and there's no cameras and no handcuffs okay?"
Louis gave a small nod and Anne stood up then wiped her eyes, mumbling
something about a bailout and something incoherent and then she was gone and
Louis was left alone with Harry there, arms still folded across his chest, eyes
still focused on his feet that he was shifting on and Louis suddenly felt even
more nervous because Harry was so quiet and he wasn't clutching onto Louis like
he always is and he wasn't kissing his forehead like he always is and he wasn't
cooing soft things into Louis' ear like he always is, he was just sott of...
There. Unmoving, untalking, uncomforting, and unloving and the simple
realisation of it all made Louis start crying again quietly and not even that,
not even his cries broke Harry out of his trance and Louis knew now, he knew,
he'd fucked it all up.
***
"If you know it's wrong why did you do it then?" Anne asked as she sipped her
tea and Louis shrugged, avoiding her eyes again.
"I don't know. I just didn't want to come here on Christmas eve all empty
handed and everything after all you've done for me already. I mean, just that,
just knowing you've offered me to spend Christmas with you is insane and simply
too much." Louis spoke slowly and quietly and he'd never craved Harry's touch
more than he does now.
They came back from the station nearly an hour ago and Harry still hasn't said
a word, he still hasn't even made a single move towards Louis, he's just been
off in his own world, sipping his tea and listening to Louis trying to explain
his wrong doings.
After a while of just talking with Anne, Robin came back from the store and
Anne made Louis tell him the story too which he felt very uncomfortable about
but Robin was just as amazing about the situation and he said comforting words
before he went upstairs to watch the telly or something and not even his step
dad returning home broke Harry out of his thoughts. He just wallowed around in
his arm chair, dead silent and immobile.
"Well I don't really know what else to tell you, Louis. Just promise me you
won't try to do something like this again for us or for any other reason for
that matter because I promise you Louis, it just isn't worth it." Louis nodded
and Anne smiled at him before she ruffled his hair and then she was gone into
the kitchen to do the washing up and prepare dinner and the tension rose with
lighting speed as soon as Louis and Harry were the only ones left in the room.
"Why aren't you talking to me?" Louis whispered out into the air, hoping Harry
would hear him and respond as he played with his sleeve so he wouldn't have to
look at Harry.
"Because I don't know what to say to you." the words stung more than they
should probably. Harry always had something to say to Louis, always. Whether it
was "I'm proud of you." or "You'll be alright." or a random knock, knock joke,
Harry always had something to say and the fact that he didn't now, made Louis
want to cry all over again because he knows Harry hates him now.
"Oh..." Louis nodded a bit, answering the question in his head about whether or
not Harry hates him now and he got up from the sofa, feeling ill all of a
sudden and he knew if he didn't leave now, he'd either throw up or pass out or
simply both so he headed for the kitchen to tell Anne he was leaving but just
as he reached the door, he felt Harry grab his hand and pull him back.
Harry turned him around and as he did so, Louis finally looked at his face
properly and he saw that his eyes were red and glassy and his cheeks were
stained and he finally realised Harry had been crying, although it made no
sense as to why Harry was even crying. "God, Louis." Harry sighed before he
wrapped his arms around Louis' waist, finally hugging him, finally touching him
and Louis hugged him back immeadiately, moving even closer into his body so
there was barely air between them as he stood up on his tiptoes and wrapped his
arms around Harry's neck, burrowing his face into Harry's shoulder and finally
letting himself cry again because maybe Harry didn't hate him so much.
"I'm sorry." Louis cried and felt Harry shake his head.
"No, no Louis it's alright I promise. You're alright. I'm sorry for not talking
to you earlier I just... I don't know Louis I just couldn't."
***
Sunday came in a flash and Louis was as nervous as ever. This is his first
birthday that he won't spend completely alone and it will also be the first
Christmas he won't spend utterly alone and pathetic wallowing in his room
wishing at least one person would wish him happy birthday and merry Christmas.
So he nerveously struts the streets that are covered with a featherly layer of
snow, same as the trees and rooves, to get to Harry's on Sunday afternoon which
is where he'll spend Christmas eve and Christmas and maybe even boxing day.
Anne offered him to do that when he was there just a couple weeks ago when they
were decorating their house. She just threw it into the conversation at
breakfast as if it was the most normal thing ever. And then, as if she knew
Louis was having doubts about it, she reassured him when he was there the other
day and at that point he felt both welcome and unwelcome to come. Especially
since Harry barely spoke to him that day.
Louis had to bring back his old friend, the cutting blade, when he got back
that night because he was sure Harry hates him now which he most probably does
and the thought simply broke Louis. He couldn't fall asleep if he wanted to and
he just spent the entire night crying and carving his skin like he does so well
already.
Harry's house finally comes into view and Louis feels incredibly nervous, all
to the point of turning away and never even spending Christmas with Harry and
his family because he simply can't bring himself to be alright for two days.
How is he supposed to be alright? But he doesn't let himself give up now and he
keeps on walking until he's standing at the front door, knuckles softly grazing
the wood as he feels his stomach climb up to his throat, threatening to spill
out everything he's eaten in the past week.
The doors slowly open and they reveal Harry who's sheepishly peaking through, a
big dimpled smile on his face, his curls all over the place and Louis starts to
wonder if maybe Harry doesn't hate him after all. "Hi." Harry giggles a little,
seemingly for no reason and Louis furrows his brows.
"Hi?"
Harry further opens the door and has to bite down on his bottom lip to make his
enormous smile a little bit smaller and frankly a bit less scary. "Guess what?"
"What?"
"It's your birthday!" before Louis can even blink, Harry has Louis tackled down
on the ground in the snow, his lips moving all across Louis' head in weird and
sloppy kisses, only missing his lips and Louis wonders why he held back the way
he did to do that. "Happy birthday!" Harry screams and Louis feels himself melt
at the sound of Harry's pure excitement and the holy idea of Harry anxiously
waiting by the door for Louis to arrive and then barely holding himself
together as he opened the door.
"Thanks." Louis says lightly and Harry just continues giggling.
Harry finally gets up, though, and easily pulls Louis to his feet as well
before he guides them both inside where they shake the snow off their clothes
and Louis takes his shoes off. "You're my favorite Louis in the world did you
know that?"
Louis feels himself blush at the words and he smiles a little to himself,
butterflies in his stomach coming alive like they can't take the imprisonment
of Louis' insides and they just need to get out, threatening to spill in the
form of vomit. "I didn't." Louis makes himself say so he isn't weird and Harry
gasps a little before he's hugging Louis again, his lips unable to resist
kissing all over his face again.
"Well you are!" Harry screams and Louis visibly flinches at the loudness of his
scream which Harry notices and then screams a random "woooo" even louder.
"Mummy Lou's here!" Harry screams next and Anne's laugh resonates through the
room.
"I sort of figured it was either that or somebody was slaughtering you." Anne
walks in slowly with a big smile and Harry scoffs from beside Louis.
"You thought there was a possibilty of me being slaughtered and you stayed in
the kitchen instead of saving me?"
"Can't burn the biscuits Harry." Anne simply says and moves to give Louis a
grand hug and a kiss on the side of the head. "Happy birthday, dear."
"Thank you." Louis responds and Anne smiles a bit, ruffling his hair again
before she heads back to the kitchen, mumbling something about them getting
ready for the party. "Ehm what's she talking about Haz?"
"Nothing that's within your worry radar, Lou." Harry smiles and disappears off
somewhere, leaving Louis to find his way into the bathroom so he can change
into his onesie.
***
As it turns out, what wasn't within Louis' worry radar was actually a party
that Harry had thrown for Louis and invited the boys over so they can play some
video games and have a few laughs with some beers before they all head back
home to spend Christmas with their families.
Anne even baked him a cream cake that wasn't that sugary and filling so Louis
actually managed to eat an antire half slice without gagging and the cake had a
big number 17 written on the front of it, happy and birthday were written on
the side and on the top of the cake was Louis' name in what Harry later
admitted was his own handwriting.
In the midst of things, Harry's sister, Gemma, had arrived as well and she was
just as odd and giddy as Harry is except she's a bit more mature and she's not
really weird in the same sense that Harry is. She's more adult about her
weirdness and she views Harry's weirdness and his slow voice and his struggle
with saying what he thinks the same way Louis does which is in sheer wonder.
Louis views everything about Harry in wonder because everything is so wonderful
about him. Harry's just so pure and joyful all the time, it actually makes
Louis want to do better, to be better, which is perhaps why Louis still feels
immensly guilty about the recent events of his criminal side and it's probably
why he's still apologizing to Anne for the inconvinience he'd caused her even
if she keeps saying it's alright.
People even got Louis presents. Anne got him a blue jumper with the
words Little star written across the chest. The front of it is light blue but
the back of it is navy blue and it represents the night sky because the
backside of the jumper is covered in little stars and Louis absolutely loved
it.
Robin gave him an old watch that can't fit around his wrist anymore and Harry's
too classy to wear apparently and Louis loved it as well.
Since Gemma didn't know there was even going to be a Louis here tonight, let
alone that there was going to be a Louis with a birthday, she didn't buy him
anything so she gave him money which Louis was probably even more elated to get
because this way he'll be able to buy something for Harry for his birthday when
it comes around in February. And probably even something for Zayn too since his
birthday is a couple weeks away.
Niall got Louis a burner phone with credit so he can finally have more contact
with the boys outside of school and he even saved all of their numbers in it.
Niall says it didn't cost much but Louis doesn't believe him so Niall
eventually had to force Louis to accept it since he wasn't going to do it
willingly himself.
Liam got him a pack of school supplies because he knows his books are all
ruined and that he doesn't really have a way to get new ones.
Zayn drew him a comic book in which he was the hero and the main character and
he bought him two tiny action figures, one was Superman and the other was the
red Power Ranger and all these gifts just made Louis feel so happy, he actually
cried when he got to opening them all. It was just so special and emotional for
him.
But then of course there's one present that stands out from the bunch for the
simple reason that it's Harry's. Louis knew he'd absolutely love whatever Harry
got him but it was even better now having actually gotten the present.
He got them seperate bracelets that both had the same chain on them but it was
broken in half so Harry got the word My on his while Louis had hero on his and
together they wrote My hero, and it's apparently because that's what Louis is
to Harry, his hero, and the mere idea of it made Louis burst in tears and
Louis' bracelet was blue while Harry's was pink and the worst part of it all
was that that wasn't even all of it. He also gifted him his own blanket so
Louis wouldn't be cold at night. Now that made Louis' stomach twist in all
kinds of knots and he hugged Harry for about ten minutes while crying the
entire time because he couldn't believe he was being treated this way.
And right now, after all that, the boys are all scattered in the living room,
all nearly asleep with Zayn and Liam taking the sofa, Harry and Louis taking
the floor and Niall respectfully taking the nearly broken children's chair that
he found somewhere after he'd finished his fourth beer and no matter how many
times they've told him he's going to break the chair, he's just not listening.
"I'm gonna get something to drink." Louis mumbled to Harry because he, for some
reason, needed Harry to know where he'd be. He just needed Harry to know. As
Louis got up from the floor, Harry gave a small smile and some sound of
affirmation before Louis turned on his heel and left the living room to get
himself something to drink.
Getting a drink was only part of the reason why Louis left the living room. He
needed to stretch his legs a bit and he also needed to take a breather and cool
himself off because nothing gets him hot and bothered like being cuddled up
with Harry who's only person seems to be to radiate off warmth. So Louis went
to the kitchen and drank a few glasses of water before he opened the small
window to let in some cold air and it wooshed his face comfortably, spreading
the coldness down his entire body.
After a few long, deep breaths, Louis closed the window and turned around,
going back to the living room where he settled against Harry again, body
temperature rising in an instant and he feels a few droplets of sweat form on
his forehead and Louis begged himself to stay cold because he can't just keep
going into the kitchen to drink water or to cool down.
***
Everyone was fast asleep for quite some time and Louis was frankly feeling
quite bored because he was still awake. He couldn't fall asleep if he wanted,
excitement still coarsing through because this was the first birthday he didn't
spend sleeping or crying. This was by far the best birthday ever and the fact
that once everyone wakes up will undoubtedly be the best Christmas he's ever
had just further ignites his excitement.
Feeling like he's going burst if he doesn't do something, Louis decides to call
out for Harry even though he knows Harry's asleep just as everybody else.
"Lou?"
"Haz?"
They call in unison and both giggle a bit before Harry turns around to face
Louis. "You're awake," Harry whispered but it wasn't a question, more like an
observation of his. A light smile glossed his lips and Louis wanted to touch
them now. To kiss them. He's wanted it for a while. Just to see how it feels.
But he knows Harry doesn't want him to do that so he holds back always, afraid
of ruining this, whatever it is.
"You are too." Louis makes his own little observation and Harry scoots over
closer to Louis, laying his head on Louis' chest and Louis already likes the
feel of his soft curls upon his just recently cream rubbed chest.
"How much does it hurt?" Harry asks in the quiet and Louis shrugs. It still
hurts a lot but ever since Harry's been rubbing the bruises with that cream,
the pain has had a habbit of subsiding and being less than what it usually is.
"A little but it's getting better." is the answer Louis finally settles for as
he threads his fingers through Harry's curls. "Thank you."
"It's nothing Louis, I love taking care of you." Harry lifted his head, turning
to look at Louis, smiling softly and Louis wanted to do something. He wasn't
sure what but he wanted to, needed to even, so badly to just do something.
"I wanna do something." Louis admitted and Harry smiled a little more, dragging
himself up a little so he was properly face to face with Louis and Louis threw
his head back on the pillow because it was a far more comfortable position for
his neck that was starting to sore.
"Like what?"
Louis shrugged "I don't know. Just... Anything. Too excited to sleep right
now."
Harry looked away, watching the wall to his far right, purposely avoiding
Louis' eyes and Louis began to worry why this was but then a smile crept
Harry's lips and Louis relaxed a little. "I could give you your Christmas
present."
Louis stared up at Harry in awe, unable to comprehend the fact that not only
did Harry get him that amazing birthday present, he got him another one for
Christmas. He had to admit it to himself at least, that he wasn't too
comfortable with so many presents but he liked the care and attention. Still,
he couldn't possibly accept another gift when he got so many already from the
boys and even Harry's parents. "Harry you didn't ha-"
"I know I didn't have to Louis," Harry finally looks at Louis "But just as
everything else I do for you, I wanted to. I want to." and Louis couldn't
resist a smile as he nodded slowly.
"Alright go get it then." Harry blushed a little, smile only growing.
"Actually... I can't get it. You have to go with me." and Louis absolutely
beamed because going with him, meant getting up and getting up meant doing
something so Harry shuffled away from him and they both got up, carefully
threading through the house as to not wake anyone up and Harry led them to his
bedroom, turning on the light and the sudden change in lighting made Louis
flinch and squint his eyes until they adjusted.
Louis would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous about whatever this present
was. It had to be something really special, if not more special than the
bracelets and Louis wasn't ready to be showered with so many presents so
suddenly.
"Can you, uhm, can you sit down and like, close your eyes maybe?" Harry asked
sheepishly from somewhere behind Louis and as Louis turned to look at him, he
saw that Harry was blushing furiously, avoiding Louis' eyes and Louis wondered
what this present suddenly was that made Harry be this way, all shy and
sensitive. But he didn't question Harry at all and he obeyed Harry's wish by
sitting down on the edge of Harry's bed before he closed his eyes and fiddled
with his hands that laid limply in his lap.
"Are you going to kill me now?" Louis joked and Harry must've tripped or
something because there was a loud thump somewhere in the room amd a sound was
made, as if strings of an instrument had been struck and then Harry let out a
small "oops".
"Uh no, definitely not killing you but I'm going to need you to keep your eyes
closed until I tell you to open them because I think I'll pass out if you look
at me at all while I'm doing this and I'll also need you to be quiet and to not
ask questions until I'm done." Harry's voice was so soft and so,
breathtakingly slow that Louis couldn't help smile at the way Harry just always
speaks before he nodded his head a bit.
"Alright." Louis finally answered and then heavy, tense air settled around them
and the room was absolutely silent until a guitar being played was heard and it
wasn't until Harry began singing that Louis realised what Harry's present was
and he gasped audibly but kept his eyes shut because he didn't want to
disappoint Harry.
"Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me
But bear this in mind, it was meant to be
And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me...
I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile
You've never loved your stomach or your thighs, the dimples in your back at the
bottom of your spine
But I'll love them endlessly
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if I do
It's you
Oh it's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all these little things
You can't go to bed without a cup of tea
And maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me
I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape
You never want to know how much you weigh, you still have to squeeze into your
jeans
But you're perfect to me
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if it's true
It's you
It's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all these little things
You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you
And you'll never treat yourself right darlin' but I want you to
If I let you know I'm here for you
Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh
I've just let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
'Cause it's you
Oh it's you
It's you they add up to
And I'm in love with you
And all these little things
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if it's true
It's you
It's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all your little things"
Louis hadn't even realised he was crying by the end of it. Harry's voice was
just purely magical and it was unlike anything Louis had ever heard before in
his entire life. The song was so beautiful and so deep and Louis can't believe
it's what Harry chose to gift him as a Christmas present, as if it's totally
fine to be serenading someone like that, to be singing the words I'm in love
with you and, knowing Harry, probably mean them as well.
Louis was more than just overwhelmed now and he felt himself begin to faint, it
was horrible actually because one part of him wanted to open his eyes and ask
if the song was about him and if Harry meant the words that repeat one too many
times during the song while another part of Louis, sadly the bigger one, wanted
to jump out the window right now.
But he didn't do either of those things because he never got the chance to as
Harry spoke first. "You can open your eyes now." and Louis did and it wasn't
until then that he realised that Harry had actually come to sit down next to
him on the bed, his own eyes watery and face still ripe red as he worries his
bottom lip, probably knowing that Louis is freaking out right now.
"What- wh- Haz?" Louis truly didn't even know what to say and Harry looked down
at his lap, his previously only nervous face now being flooded with a sadness
that Louis never wanted to see on Harry.
"I'm bad with words and I talk slow and I thought I'd get my point across
clearer through a song." Harry said and Louis felt all air just abandon his
lungs in a woosh, butterflies coming alive like they'd been waiting hours to
finally kick in again, threatening to not only spill in the form of vomit but
also to completely embarrass Louis for the rest of his life to the point of
which he'd rather take his life than continue with these butterflies that
slowly flew up to his throat. "I get that you don't feel the same and that
you're probably not ready, God you're probably not even gay, but I just had to.
For myself at least. I'm sorry."
Louis didn't understand anything Harry had just said.
He didn't understand why Harry thought Louis didn't feel the same, why he
wasn't ready for whatever Harry assumed Louis wasn't ready for, what being gay
meant, Louis especially didn't understand why Harry apologized. There wasn't
anything to apologize for. This being the first and only present Louis has ever
gotten for Christmas, it has to be the best one and even if it wasn't his first
and only, it would still be the best one because it was absolutely beautiful
and because it was Harry of all people who'd given it and everything about was
just absolute magic.
Which is why Louis decided to shut down and let nature take control. He hated
giving in to nature because it was scary to do so but he was just so
inexperienced and unprepared for this type of situation, he just didn't know
what to do now. He wanted to do something at least but his conscious self
couldn't think of anything. So instead, he just let things roll the way they
were meant to and he quite literally felt his spirit leave his body as it came
to stand beside the two boys, watching the following scene unfold.
Louis' right hand moved quickly to push up under Harry's chin, lifting it up,
catching Harry off guard but before he could even react at all, Louis was
somehow pressing his lips against Harry's. This was Louis' first kiss. His
first one ever.
The butterflies were not only flying up into Louis' mouth, they also flew down
to Louis' bum and he needed to poop and to throw up and to faint all at the
same time but all he could really do was keep his lips on Harry's, eyes already
long shut, breathing already long gone, body completely numb and everything
just completely ruined.
Louis flinched and shivered when he felt Harry press his soft fingers against
his side, the light touch of them tickling Louis through the thin fabric of his
onesie but then it felt like Louis wasn't the only one forcing this kiss to go
on because, now, Harry was applying pressure too, face moving closer, lips
forming around Louis' bottom one so he could suck on it and Louis realised that
what he'd initially done was just a simple peck. This, however, was a kiss.
And Louis loved it.
Louis threaded his hands up into Harry's curls where he lightly pulled on them
and Harry let out a low sound from deep within his throat which just made Louis
want to faint even more but nature wasn't letting him. Nature was doing more
good for Louis than Louis had ever done for himself and for a second he thought
of giving in to nature completely forever with everything.
Feeling like he could, Louis moved his lips from Harry's a little so that
Harry's bottom lip was now stuck between his own and he sucked on it
experimentally, just the way Harry did and then Harry's lips escaped his own
because he smiled a little, before he pushed his lip between Louis' again and
Louis repeated the sucking action all up until not even nature was letting him
continue because he was getting dizzy and light headed and it became clear he
hadn't breathed in some time now.
So he let go of Harry's lip and pulled back, breathing as soon as they'd parted
but he kept his eyes closed because they were still trying to savor the
darkness in which the kiss had happened, forever beautifully embeded there
because a part of Louis really did just watch the kiss instead of experience it
and that part of Louis would forever have the sight safely savored somewhere in
its core, never, ever letting Louis forget it because now he can give the
answer yes to the question "have you ever been electrocuted before?" as this
kiss might as well have been Louis sticking his tongue in a plug and
electrocuting himself for whatever stupid reason he did all this for.
Neither of the boys said anything for a good few minutes, both just breathing
heavily, unmoving, untalking, just there and savoring the touch of their lips.
Or at least that's what Louis was doing.
"Do you want to do that ag-" before Harry could finish the question, Louis was
sucking his upper lip this time, the feel quite different than the bottom lip
which he found odd but he didn't question it as he pushed and pulled at Harry's
curls, unsure of what he was even doing, if this is him at all.
As Louis worked on sucking Harry's lips, switching between the two sweet, plum
slugs of pure magic, Harry wrapped one arm around Louis' shoulder, for more
leverage and to wreck the distance before his other hand came up to cup Louis'
cheek, struggling to even find his face so he just ended up rubbing all over
Louis before he finally got to his face where he cupped at Louis' cheek
lightly, fingers softly grazing it and Louis was just so full but he didn't
know what he was full of.
Then, completely unexpectedly from where Louis was kissing, Louis felt Harry
open his mouth a little and his tongue slowly grazed over Louis' lips that
easily parted away because Louis was so relaxed now and he didn't even expect
Harry to start swirling his tongue with Louis', sucking on it gently and making
it even easier for Louis to forget how to breathe because everything just
simply felt amazing.
This time round, Louis couldn't possibly last that long without breath so he
pulled away again, breathing heavily and quickly and he wished he could catch
his breath already so he could just go back to kissing Harry because that felt
wonderful just now and Louis never wanted to quit doing it. But then Harry had
to go and ruin the moment by talking.
"Bloody hell," Harry breathed, his voice low and heavy but still managing to
sound soft and warm like it always does and Louis wanted to kiss him again in
hopes he could kiss the love from his lips and save it somewhere in his brain
so when he gets lonely he can feel it. "Can you open your eyes, I want to see
them?"
Louis flicked his eyes open without a second thought but he regretted it the
instant his eyes met Harry's because suddenly reality came rushing in. Suddenly
the ceiling was falling through and the ground beneath their feet was
crumbling, effortlessly ruining any feelings of self-love that sparked within
Louis' mind during the magic show that was his first kiss. Suddenly, Louis felt
absolutely horrible and there wasn't much he could do about the entire thing
other than to jump straight out the window.
"Lou please calm down everything's alright I promise." it wasn't until Harry
was pushing Louis into the bed, desperately holding onto him that Louis
realised he was kicking the air for no reason, trying to escape reality and go
back to a minute ago when no laws of anything ever discovered or invented
applied and Louis was stuck floating in space, lost among the stars, trying to
catch one for Harry because he deserves it. But Louis couldn't escape and so he
even started crying, the kicking slowing down as Harry tamed him but he
couldn't tame the tears. He wasn't screaming, he wasn't sobbing, he wasn't
loud. He was just softly crying because he can't believe he did that to Harry
when Harry never asked him to. Never gave permission to.
"I'm sorry." Louis whispered through the tears and felt Harry swipe the fringe
off his forehead so he could cleanly kiss the skin there and, surprisingly, it
got Louis to start calming down a bit.
"The hell are you sorry for that was the best kiss ever?" Harry spoke in such
amazement and his eyes shone with glee and he just looked so beautiful and
Louis couldn't believe his own eyes anymore. Louis then realised that he didn't
want to escape reality. Sure it stung to be here and to be embarrassed and all
but the floating universe where the stars are and where the kiss is beautifully
embeded doesn't have Harry's beautiful green eyes savored.
They're not there because Louis didn't see them while he was kissing Harry and
that was alright but what wasn't alright was living life without seeing them
all the time, without getting lost within the green, without admitting anything
and everything that Louis could possibly ever admit because Harry was that one
person that no matter what, Louis would forever trust and that Louis would
forever open up to.
"Did you mean it?" Louis asked after he finally calmed enough so he wasn't
hiccuping and he'd never seen a smile so big, not even on Harry. It was giant
and beautiful and absolutely amazing and Louis never wanted for it to disappear
off Harry's face. And if it ever did then it should be safely stored away in a
museum so others can admire the magic that it is.
Harry nodded sheepishly "Every word of it." and hearing that was enough for
Louis. He doesn't know what love is. He doesn't know what it means or what
being in love means but he's heard it in a movie once when he was younger and
he heard it again a couple weeks ago when they watched that Christmas movie
down in the living room and the little boy with big eyes said that he was in
love so Louis knew for sure it was a big deal given how the boy's step dad
acted about it. But even still, even without knowing what all that means and
what it all is, Louis decided he was going to stop being scared of Harry and
that he was going to let things roll the way they're supposed to.
So he pushed his head back further into the pillow so his forehead could escape
Harry's lips and then he caught them with his own, immediately letting nature
take over as he sucked on his bottom lip, waiting for Harry to slide his tongue
in again because that feels just absolutely amazing but he can't do it himself
because he's scared to.
And then Harry did it.
He pushed his tongue in easily, grazing the roof of Louis' mouth and Louis
wanted to chant yes in victory but because they were kissing, he couldn't so he
just ended up making a sound deep in his throat, it immeadiately followed by
the same of Harry's and then Harry did something totally unexpected but not
unacceptable and he moved so he wasn't lying beside Louis but rather in between
his legs where he settled himself, his upper body supported by his forearms
that had propped themselves next to Louis' head on either side.
Louis had to pull away because he'd faint if he didn't, however, he didn't want
to stop kissing Harry so he decided he'd kiss his cheek instead but Harry
apparently had the same thought because he moved just as Louid was supposed to
kiss his cheek and Louis ended up kissing Harry's neck instead which made Harry
squeal a little.
"God do that again," Harry moaned a bit this time and burrowed his face deeper
in Louis' shoulder so it'd be easier for Louis to do it and Louis did as told
and began kissing Harry's neck.
It was weird, though, because he didn't think he was doing things right here,
so he used his teeth, grazing them over Harry's skin in small bites, each of
them making Harry shiver and moan for more so Louis smiled to himself and kept
nibbling. But then Harry did something unholy. Something that was now too
embeded in Louis' brain. Something that sparked an erection out of Louis,
nearly a year after his last one.
He kissed his neck but instead of biting like Louis did, he sucked, and Louis
felt himself moan out before he started sucking on Harry's neck too, wanting to
give Harry the same pleasure it gave him and thankfully, he didn't have to try
hard because the next thing he knew, Harry's own erection was pressing against
Louis' thigh and Louis weirdly loved it.
Harry pulled away suddenly, blushing and looking terrified "I'm sorry." at
first Louis didn't know what Harry was apologizing for but then he realised
that Harry had rolled his hips away so his erection wasn't pressing into Louis'
thigh anymore.
Louis smiled and hooked a leg behind Harry's bum to keep him from moving away
before he spoke. "It's fine, I'm- me too." Harry's eyes widened a bit before he
looked down between their bodies and he smiled a little when he saw the tent in
Louis' onesie. He looked up again and then just leaned down to kiss Louis and
Louis was alright finally. Everything was perfect and everything was magic.
*
It felt like a forever had passed when in reality maybe ten minutes did, if
that. But Louis could've sworn he'd been stuck out here for years, kissing
Harry's lips and sucking on his neck, not caring about the fact he now knew he
was actually sucking bruises into his skin because unlike his own bruises, the
process of getting them, didn't hurt. Which is why Louis knew Harry had
probably sucked in a good amount of bruises too but Louis couldn't care about
that either because why would he when he had Harry's lips to rather focus on?
So they kissed until their lips were chapped and raw and they held their breath
till they nearly passed out and they sucked each other's necks until there was
no more neck to suck on and it was amazing but still it felt something was
missing and, because he'd never done this before, Louis had no idea what.
"More..." Louis moaned a little into Harry's curls as Harry sucked on his neck.
"Of what?"
"I don't know..." Louis pushed Harry back by his hair and made him stop with
the sucking because the rest of his body was simply in pain, his cock leading
away with that, but he didn't know how to not be in pain anymore. He never did
know that and he still doesn't now.
"What's- are you in pain?" Louis guesses his face must've given him away and he
nodded a little because what's the point of lying when they're doing the things
they're doing right now? "Oh. Is- are- does it, like, down there?" Harry asked
awkwardly, flicking his eyes down to the tents that lied between their bodies,
nearly touching and Louis nodded again.
"I've never- like I haven't- I, it's like, when you're supposed to, I- I
haven't like done that..." Louis himself didn't know what the hell he was
trying to say but Harry understood him perfectly, it seemed, and he smiled a
little before catching Louis' lips in a small kiss.
"It's okay, I just- Is it alright if I like... Show you?" Louis nodded without
a thought because he'd already decided that he trusts Harry the most in this
world with absolutely everything and he needed Harry to know that he was
absolutely fine with whatever he wanted to show him. "Alright, uhm, can you
like say it? Cause like I, I need to hear it."
Louis didn't really know what he was supposed to say. He didn't know what Harry
was going to do or going to show him so he couldn't give him permission to any
specific thing. Thinking long and hard about it, Louis just decided ti be plain
simple and say what the truth was right now. "I trust you." and Harry smiled
bright again before he kissed his lips again but this kiss weirdly felt much
different than all the other ones did.
It was the same thing but still somehow different. Something felt different and
Louis didn't know what that was but he didn't even want to think about it
because he truly was in pain and although he's used to pain, this was a
different kind of pain and the worst part was that Louis wasn't even sure he
deserves it as much as all other kinds of pain.
As they kissed, Harry lowered his hips down onto Louis', their cocks touching
through the disgustingly thin fabrics of their underwear and onesies and
because the feeling was so new and so sudden and his throbbing, by now leaking
cock was so very sensitive, Louis shrieked a little into the kiss and pushed
Harry off him.
"What's wrong?" Harry, although truly worried about Louis, also tried to mask
his embarrassment and the hurt of being pushed away and Louis hated that that's
how Harry felt right now because it's not like it was his fault Louis was
sensitive. Maybe he'd be less sensitive if he'd done this before but he hasn't.
The only times his cock had release was while Louis was fast asleep and it was
his body doing the work rather than Louis himself.
"I'm just sensitive. It's alright... Do it again." Louis assured but Harry
looked really sceptic about the idea of continuing after seeing Louis' reaction
just now.
"You sure?" Louis nodded frantically and Harry sighed a little before he moved
back on top of Louis, this time more carefully lowering himself onto Louis and
Louis, although at least prepared this time, was still incredibly sensitive but
he fought against the urge to push Harry away again and he let Harry lower
himself completely. "Is it alright if I move?" Harry asked and Louis didn't
know whether he meant move his hips or move away from Louis but he nodded
anyways, desperately hoping it was the first one.
And it was.
Harry slowly rocked his hips so his cock was sliding against Louis' and Louis
fought all reactions with all of that he is until he just couldn't do it after
a few thrusts from Harry and he let out a rather very, very loud guttoral moan.
One so loud it could've woken up the boys downstairs if not just Harry's
parents further down the hall.
"Shh," Harry shushed and kissed Louis silent.
"I'm sorry."
Harry laughed a bit "It's okay just, don't be so loud you could wake someone
up." Louis nodded and willed himself to not moan so loudly anymore as Harry was
completely right about him veey easily waking people up unneccessarily. "Can I-
i- is it alright if I do something- something- is it alright if I touch you?"
Louis didn't know what exactly Harry meant by the question "You already are?"
Harry laughed again a little "No, like, like this?" Louis flicked his eyes to
where Harry's hand disappeared between their bodies and he saw Harry palming
his cock through the fabric of his onesie and he widened his eyes at the sight.
He'd never been touched there before. Only by himself in the shower but that
was about it. Nothing more than that. He'd had nightmares about George touching
him there but this was far from a nightmare because it was Harry and he was so
careful and painstakingly slow and so, so beautiful in this moment that Louis
really did want Harry to touch him there. So he gave a small nod and closed his
eyes, bracing himself for the contact while also focusing on not being too loud
which he knew he'd be anyways.
And then he felt it.
Harry's hand slowly dropped from his own cock and onto Louis' grazing it softly
as Harry palmed through the fabric and as much as he fought it, Louis couldn't
resist the moan that left his lips but he did quiet it by biting his hand, it
being the only thing he could bite on since Harry's eyes were deeply focused on
his hand that worked wonders to Louis and his sensitive cock.
"Fuck," Harry breathed as his hand squeezed Louis' cock through the fabric
"Fuck I want you skin to skin it's totally fine if you don't w-"
Harry cut himself off when Louis pulled at the zipper of his onesie and didn't
stop till it was fully undone and the zipper was down somewhere where Louis
couldn't see it anymore.
And it wasn't until Harry's face changed from pure lust and love to sadness and
hurt that Louis realised his cuts were now on display for Harry to see. He
couldn't see all of them since most were still covered by the legs of the
onesie but this was more than enough to get Harry to stsrt softening up which
was painfully obvious as Louis watched the previously rock hard cock start
shrinking a bit.
"Lou," Harry brought his hand down to graze softly against the cuts, some old,
some new, but all of them definitely there and Louis regretted doing this. Not
the whole thing but just this, the unzipping of his onesie. "Lou why would you
do that to yourself?"
Truth is Louis didn't really even know the answer to this question. Was it
because he deserves it? Yes. Was it because it relieves him of the emotional
pain? Yes. Was it because it was the one thing that makes him feel alive? Yes.
But still he knew that all of these reasons wouldn't be good enough for Harry
because he sees so much good in Louis and sometimes Louis hated that because it
felt like Harry had certain expectations that he couldn't ever possibly meet
but he had to because he didn't want to disappoint Harry.
And right now, Louis didn't want to think about any of this. All he wanted was
for Harry to teach him how to get release and then they could talk some other
time about this. "Can we talk later?"
"I- yeah, yeah, just- yeah okay." Harry didn't really look like he wanted to
talk later but he agreed anyway and then he kissed Louis long and hard,
probably trying to talk through the kiss but Louis couldn't understand him so
he just kissed back and hoped Harry was still up for whatever they were about
to do.
Harry's hand travelled slowly down Louis' body until it reached his cock again
and he started palming at it again, both boys moaning into the kiss and as
Louis pulled away, he flicked his eyes down and saw that Harry had stiffened up
again which made him smile because maybe Harry really does want this too.
"Can I touch you too?" Louis asked sheepishly and Harry nodded, smiling a
little and so Louis did. He threaded his hand down Harry's body until he
reached his cock and he felt Harry tense up above him at the touch before he
moaned a little and Louis smiled to himself because he did that to him. He
caused that reaction.
Harry felt so amazing too. He was just so big, quite bigger than Louis himself
was and he was just so... Hard. Louis knew that erections make a cock harden up
and he knows his own is hard as well but he'd never felt another boy's cock and
his own probably isn't half as hard as Harry's is. It's just so stiff and like
a rock really. Not to mention that it's the warmest thing Louis had ever felt
in his entire life. It actually wasn't even until then that Louis realised he
was sweating utterly way too much as was Harry but neither of them seemed to
mind the heat or the sweat.
"Can I, like, under this?" Harry asked, his fingers grazing the waistband of
Louis' briefs and Louis nodded before he bucked his hips a little, allowing
Harry to grab a hold of the waistband on either side and pull down as much as
he could with the onesie still on.
As Harry gazed at Louis' bare cock in awe, Louis obviously felt more naked and
vulnurable than he'd ever felt before but he also felt like he was giving more
than he was getting back because here he was, all barenaked and throbbing while
Harry was still very much covered up. So Louis reached his hand up to ths
zipper of Harry's onesie and wordlessly asked Harry with his eyes until Harry
gave a small nod, followed by a smiling kiss on the lips that lasted all too
long because Louis felt faint by the time he finally pulled away.
Now with permission, Louis pulled the zipper as far as his short arm could
reach and then Harry pulled it all the way down. Harry propped himself more on
his knees so he was kneeling before Louis and then he grabbed at his own briefs
and pulled the down as much as he could with the onesie in the way before he
all but fell back down, kissing Louis deeply and Louis kissed back just the
same.
Feeling disgustingly brave again, Louis decided he was going to dart his tongue
out this time and he did just that. He let his tongue graze Harry's lips that
opened quickly and next thing Louis knew, his tongue was feeling up into
Harry's mouth, grazing the roof of it and playing whatever game it is that
their swirling tongues were playing.
If he's honest, this, the kissing, was all he needed right now but he knew the
erections wouldn't go away on their own so he was ready for whatever is
supposed to happen next to happen. He was terrified, of course, but that didn't
stop him from putting all of his trust into Harry and let him have his way,
regardless of anything really.
"So you've never had a wank?" Harry asked as he pulled away and Louis felt
really shy now and embarrassed all of a sudden because he was probably one of
few 17 year old boys that have never wanked before, and probably the only one
that's never touched his cock before.
"I'm sorry."
Harry laughed and kissed Louis again "Jesus Louis you don't have to apologize
for everything, especially for not wanking. It's all fine, I promise." Louis
nodded a little and then Harry kissed him again before looking down at their
bare cocks. "Do you want me to, like, show you how on myself or do you want me
to wank you off?" it wasn't until Harry stuttered his way through that whole
question and talked so embarrassingly slow that Louis realised Harry was
probably just as shy and nervous as Louis was but he didn't let it show for
Louis' sake.
And it's perhaps the idea of that that made Louis decide he wanted his first
wank to be Harry. That made him decide he wanted the first time his cock
volountarily has release is because Harry's hand led him to it. So he answered
Harry's question with just that and that was the first time during this whole
thing that Harry let himself be just as vulnurable as Louis had been. His face
was full of fear and nervousness but his eyes didn't even for a second stop
shining with pure love and a little bit of lust and Louis hoped he matched the
expression so Harry wouldn't feel alone in this even though he really was since
Louis knew nothing about what they were doing and he desperately hoped Harry
knew because then this wouldn't have to be as awkward and as weird as it can
be.
Harry threaded his hand down Louis' torso and suddenly the pressure was on. The
air was tense, no one was breathing, no one was saying anything, they weren't
even sweating anymore, it was just very, very still other than Harry's hand
that moved in slow motion down to grip at Louis' cock and as soon the contact
was made, that very milisecond, Louis moaned out loud, letting out all built up
tension, all held back moans, all breath that got caught in his throat through
all of this, he let all of it out in a single loud moan, one nearly as loud as
the one when his and Harry's cocks slid together. And this time Harry didn't
even mind it that much. He captured Louis' lips in a bruising, punishing kiss
before he started pumping at Louis' cock in strokes that already had a rhythm.
It felt wonderful and Louis was glad he moaned when he did because he can't
now. Every attempt just gets lodged in his throat and he can't do anything but
fishmouth and breathe heavily because Harry's hand worked absolute, pure magic
that Louis couldn't have even dreamed about.
As Harry worked the magic he did, Louis again felt like he was getting more
than he was giving and he couldn't take it anymore so he fought against every
notion of his body that wanted to moan and spoke instead. "Le- uhhh," Louis
still moaned because he couldn't resist it but then he pinched his eyes shut
and focused on speaking. "Let me do it too..." Harry looked up from where his
eyes were deeply focused on his hand and stopped the motion, removing his hand
from Louis. It took Louis a bit to realise why Harry had stopped and then he
shook his head "No, to you."
Harry widened his eyes a little but he didn't say anything. He gave Louis a
little nod before he unsurely brought his hand back to grip Louis.
Because Louis was smaller and his arm was shorter, he couldn't exactly reach
Harry there. His fingers nearly grazed the tip but even that was a failed
attempt. So, to help out, Harry dropped down to lie next to Louis and he
brought himself up a little so Louis' head was to his chin and then he gripped
at Louis again, strokes meeting the same beautiful rhythm from a minute ago.
Louis wasn't really sure how to do it so he just followed what Harry did and
got a grip around him, immediately making Harry stop what he was doing and he
bit back surely a loud moan that made Louis laugh a little because he keeps
shushing Louis and here he is too. Harry blushed but chuckled as well then
continued working Louis and Louis did the same.
He followed the same rhythm that Harry had on him all up until Harry dropped
Louis' cock from his hand and got a grip around Louis' hand. "Like this," Harry
whispered out, probably because he'd have moaned if he didn't and then
completely changed the rhythm of the strokes. Louis followed the newly learned
rhythm and continued pumping Harry like that while Harry followed the same
rhythm he started with.
It didn't take long for tension to start building up in the pit of Louis'
stomach, especially when Harry quickened his hand which just made Louis moan
even more and Harry swallowed each of those moans with bruising kisses.
"F- faster," Harry breathed and Louis quickened his hand as well. "God Louis
I'm so close..." Louis didn't really know what "being close" meant. Close to
where? Close to what? Close to Louis maybe because they've never been this
intimate together?
Louis decided he'd rather just ask that keep wondering and he did exactly that.
"Close to what?"
"To comin- oh God..."
"Coming whe-"
"Fuuuuck," Harry moaned out loud and before he knew it, Louis' hand was covered
with a white liquid that stuck instantly to their skin as it spilt and splurted
out of Harry's twitching cock while Harry moaned quietly and breathed heavily,
his grip on Louis loosening for only a few seconds before he was back on track.
Louis felt his abs start tensing and his whole body was burning with an
entirely new sensation. His stomach was twisting and for the first time ever,
he felt his balls tighten too. He didn't know what caused all this and he
wanted it to stop because it felt uncomfortable and his toes even started
twitching but he didn't say anything because Harry really looked so into it,
his hand now going in circular motion and his eyes watching in adoration as
precum leaked away.
Harry flicked his eyes up at Louis and his previously flushed, happy face was
flooded with worry. "Lou you're not supposed to hold back. Just let go."
"Of what?" Louis cried out, finally letting it be known that he was in pain and
Harry smiled lightly, his hand only quickening, causing even more pain.
"Just relax. All of your muscles, just relax them completely." Louis did as
told and as soon as he did, the same white liquid that Louis knows from biology
class is sperm, started splurting out every across his stomach and chest, some
of it even jumping high above them before splashing down onto Louis' stomach
and Louis had never felt anything like this. It was truly wonderful.
His entire body was shaking, he felt like he was floating somewhere and
everything felt so much like a dream that he didn't even realise he was moaning
until Harry swallowed the loud sounds with kisses that made moaning worth
while.
Harry stroked out the last of it before he let go of Louis' cock and let him go
soft again, the same as Harry did and Louis just breathed, unable to do
anything else.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Louis felt himself come down from
the clouds that he was floating with and he shivered because he was suddenly
cold, drenched in sweat from head to toe.
"Want to shower all this off?" Harry asked after Louis' breathing slowed
completely and Louis nodded before they both slowly got up from the bed. Louis'
legs wobbly as they headed for Harry's en suite where Harry turned the water on
to warm and Louis took his clothes off, only realising when it was too late
that he still has a gaping wound on the side of his thigh that, although healed
a little, is still very much there and still very much noticable.
So when Harry turned around, his own onesie completely off, his jaw dropped as
soon as he caught sight of Louis' thighs. His arms weren't much better either
but his thighs were just absolutely disgusting and he knew it and so did Harry.
"Oh my fucking God Louis."
 
 
***** Chapter 7 *****
Louis felt smaller than the size of a pea under Harry's gaze. It wasn't judging
or disgusted like Louis presumed it would be, it actually couldn't have
possibly been further away from that because Harry just looked... Well he
looked bloody confused.
Neither of them said a word at all since they took their clothes off and that
was nearly 5 minutes ago now which meant Louis would start feeling cold by now
was it not for the steaming shower that was still very much on and heating up.
Louis thought he'd feel more insecure about being completely naked in front of
someone but he guesses it's because he trusts Harry so much that he just
doesn't feel insecure, almost at all. In fact, it probably serves as a
confidence booster that although Harry looks very sad and confused, his eyes
cannot hide the lust and love.
"Can we talk about them now?" Harry asked sheepishly, clearly referring to when
Louis wanted them not to talk about them earlier and although Louis didn't
really want to ever talk about them, he knew that he'd just be putting off the
inevitable because he knows Harry and knows his mind will be stuck on this
until he finally gets some answers. So Louis gave a small nod which earned him
a small smile from Harry before Harry extended his hand for Louis to take,
which he did, and then he slowly led Louis into the shower, climbing in after
him. "Can I touch them?"
"Yes." Louis decided to give Harry a straight forward, worded answer instead of
a sheepish nod like he initially wanted to more for himself than for Harry. He
wasn't used to trusting people, not even Harry, so he needed to assure himself
he was fine with all of this.
Harry pushed Louis back a little so he was now under the shower head that
instantly covered his entire body with water and he could feel where it
couldn't reach on his stomach because his stomach was covered in patches of
come that already dried a little on his skin so water just went over and around
it, not even washing it off.
Harry's fingers were tender and careful as they grazed over Louis' skin. Harry
didn't take his eyes off Louis, assuring him somehow through the beautiful
green that he loved him and that he wasn't going to hurt him. And Louis
believed him. Which Harry must've known because just as Louis thought it, Harry
smiled a little before he flicked his eyes down to Louis' scars, his fingers
following his line of sight and suddenly, he was grazing over them softly,
fingers wet and Louis' skin wet.
Harry then took Louis' arms in his hands and let them slowly be showered on
with water too before he raised them a little and kissed all of them. Every
single one of them. He kissed each of them tenderly and with love and Louis
never hated them as much as he hates them now because Harry didn't deserve
someone like Louis. He didn't deserve to have to take care of a broken little
Louis who had no one and knew nothing about anything. Harry didn't deserve to
be put in situations that Louis will surely put him in and as the realisation
started to dawn on Louis, he felt himself start to cry.
He ripped his arms away from Harry's touch and kiss and turned around in the
shower, letting the water hit him in the face because he couldn't bear to look
at Harry anymore knowing that Harry shouldn't love him. Louis' not worth his
love and they both know it, Harry's just too polite to admit it.
"Lou," Louis flinched when Harry touched his shoulder and he could hear Harry's
frown as it formed on his lips. He could feel the tears that started forming in
the magnificent green pools of emotion. He could taste Harry's salty tears as
they slid down his cheeks and he hated himself for causing Harry any kind of
pain, ever. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this. "Lou don't say
that. Sure, yeah, you're not perfect but who is, really? No one is, Louis. No
one's perfect. And even if everyone but you was perfect, I'd still love
you. Only you." Louis let Harry put one of his hands on his shoulder as he
wrapped his other arm around his waist.
"You would?" Louis sniffled, letting himself be cuddled in Harry's arms that
were just so soft and beautiful.
"I would." and then Harry kissed Louis' head tenderly, just behind his ear
before Louis turned around in his arms and Harry pressed another kiss to his
forehead. "I would and I will." as if to prove his point, or maybe just seal
the promise, Harry kissed Louis on the lips, it being probably their deepest
kiss yet and Louis nodded a little, letting Harry know he was alright now and
Harry smiled against his lips before he pulled away.
"Let me wash you." Louis said and pushed Harry back a little so they could
switch positions and Harry smiled a little, blushing all the way down his neck.
"Alright." Louis smiled triumphantly and pecked Harry's lips before he turned
around and took a bottle of strawberry scented shampoo from the rack and
squeezed some of it onto his hand before he plopped his hand down onto Harry's
wet and straightened curls, having to stand on his tiptoes because Harry was
taller than him.
The reason Louis wanted to wash Harry was because he felt like it was the least
he could do considering the past two months of him knowing Harry who's been an
absolute angel to him. He's never, ever been mean to him, he's always kissing
his forehead, always hugging him, always telling him how proud he is of him, he
took care of his bruises, he kissed his scars, he's always so tender and
careful around him and he never, ever forgets to remind Louis that he is loved.
That especially now when Louis knows Harry is actually in love with him.
Harry maybe didn't deserve Louis and his problems but damn it all to hell if
Louis won't spend every breathing minute of his life trying to give back to
Harry all that he's given to him.
Louis took his sweet time washing Harry, by this point barely embarrassed or
self conscious about being naked with him. He just brushed his hands through
those wet curls and he made sure he rubbed his fingers into Harry's scalp until
his skin began to burn. He then proceeded to rub his hands all over Harry, all
the while asking if it was alright to do that.
Harry blushed and smiled sheepishly as he decided that he was going to clean
his ass himself at which Louis could only blush and hold his breath as he went
and did it to himself too.
Harry moaned a little, presumably because he inserted a finger in himself and
Louis wondered if that's what he always does. If he always gives himself a
fingerfuck in the shower or if that's a special show for Louis. Louis never
goes in with his finger. He doesn't really know why, he just never tried it and
he doesn't think his mind and body can take any more firsts for the night given
how spent and exhausted he is. Both from the climax he's barely climbed down
from and the cry he just had in the shower, as well as being naked with Harry.
Being naked and feeling comfortable about it for once takes a lot of self
control and energy that Louis had no idea he had but he's willing to do it all
for Harry. He deserves at least that much.
"Let me wash you too." Harry asked sheepishly once he rinsed his fingers and
Louis blushed, looking away from Harry, suddenly embarrassed again because no
one's ever touched his body that way. Even when Harry touched his body all
those times before, it wasn't nearly as intimate as this would be. Yet still,
Louis ended up nodding as Harry cradled him to his chest and began softly
rubbing in the same scented shampoo into his hair and Louis loved the fact that
he and Harry would be smelling the same once out of the shower. "I know. It's
quite sexy that is."
Louis blushed as he realised he said that out loud but then another something
caught his brain in a whirl. Sexy? Harry finds Louis... sexy? Louis' never been
called that before and he barely has an understanding of the word but he's
heard it before and assumes it's an alternative for softer words like pretty or
cute. "It is?" Louis just had to ask because he was starting to fear his own
ears had betrayed him now in the dead of night in this warm shower within
Harry's loving arms.
Louis felt a light tap on his ass before Harry let out a small, throatal moan.
"Very." Harry affirmed, taking a whiff of the strawberry shampoo now rubbed
thoroughly into his scalp and Louis feels so safe and so loved and so in
love that he bursts into tears again, this time for a much different reason. It
just feels surreal. "It's okay, just let it out." this time, Harry must've
known this was a good, healthy cry instead of a self hateful one and he let
Louis cry softly into his bare chest as he rubbed his hands over the parts of
Louis' body he could reach from this position and Louis did as told and just
cried until his body was far too exhausted to continue and Harry had to hold
him up with one arm as the other worked on cleaning him and, because he was so
tired and spent, Louis completely missed the crestfallen look as it overtook
Harry's face once his hands reached Louis' scarred thighs.
Finally, after what felt like a dozen lifetimes, Harry turned the water off and
led Louis out of the shower before he took a giant towell and draped it over
Louis, drying his delicate skin softly while making sure to towell dry his hair
as much as possible so he wouldn't sleep with a wet head and Louis just purred,
too exhausted for anything else. Louis wanted to dry Harry like he did to him
but Harry just smiled and kissed his cheek before he went and dried himself
while Louis found himself leaning tiredly against the doorframe, still
unbothered by the fact he was naked.
It seemed to have clicked just then that, Louis didn't have any clothes with
him. He knew he'd be spending only two days here so he didn't bother bringing
much and he just brought a spare change of underwear, some socks and the onesie
that's lying dirtily on the floor along with Harry's own onesie and Louis knows
for a fact that both their zippers are glued with come and won't be able to zip
so they're quite useless until they're washed.
"Are you alright sleeping in a hoodie and some sweatpants?" Harry asks as he
slowly leads a nearly asleep Louis back into the room and sits him down on the
bed, Louis' eyes long shut and mind seconds away from shutting down. Louis made
a grunt sort of sound, as if saying yes to whatever question Harry had asked
him, he didn't hear, and Harry couldn't help smile at the angelic creature that
Louis always has been but especially is now as he fights his body to stay
awake.
Harry rushes down to the living room and grabs Louis' backpack before rushing
back upstairs where Louis is comfortably sprawled out on the bed, light smile
glossing his lips as his limbs flail around the sheets in what can only be
described as free, childish happiness. He is so beautiful. Harry thinks to
himself, smiling childishly as he opens the bag and immeadiately spots a pair
of briefs that are poorly covering a green notebook, neatly tucked away at the
bottom of Louis' bag and the only thing Harry can make out from the messy cover
is his own name, staring him straight in the face and Harry stares at it for a
few moments before he drops the bag onto the floor and grabs the clothes from
his wardrobe.
He goes over to the bed and carefully slides the briefs up Louis' legs and
smiles when he sees his soft, beautiful cock. It's not small, not at all, but
it is proportionally tiny to fit the rest of Louis' tiny body and Harry can't
help his giggle as it escapes his mouth because Louis truly is a tiny little
pumpkin that Harry has vowed to protect.
Harry struggles a bit with the sweatpants and hoodie especially but eventually
he has Louis dressed in his own clothes and he just has to smile at the
beautiful sight because, although Louis always looks absolutely mesmerizing, he
has never looked quite this beautiful or peaceful. Harry has seen Louis sleep
plenty of times already but never has he ever looked and breathed this content.
He was a work of art from head to toe and the fact that he gets to touch his
boy and kiss him and protect him, it all makes Harry want to cry of because
Louis was right earlier; he doesn't deserve this.
He doesn't deserve to have this wonderful creature in his life. He doesn't
deserve to be allowed to love him the way he does. He should go to jail for
loving someone who should be forbidden to everyone and safely tucked away in a
castle somewhere where no one can touch his beautiful self. Harry doesn't
deserve Louis because no one deserves him. Louis is more than just a work of
art. He's the whole damn museum and Harry's always had a nack for museums and
art but Louis is something completely out of this world.
So Harry lets a few tears slowly slide away as he turns the light off and
crawls into bed next to Louis who instinctively wraps himself around Harry in a
tight hold that not even Houdini could escape and Harry doesn't mind it one bit
because his entire body, heart, and soul is fully and completely in love with
Louis and if Louis wants to wrap him a chokehold during the night, he so very
well can because it's not like Harry's going to give a shit.
When it comes to Louis, the only thing Harry gives a shit about is that he is
safe and happy and healthy and that when he smiles, it's genuine and not
painful and when he laughs, it's real and not faked for Niall's pleasure. And
that when he looks around himself, eyes glistening with tears because he can't
believe he's being loved, he understands that none of it is going away and that
Louis will forever have a place in this family. He will always have a place
with Harry.
With that thought and the smell of his own shampoo in Louis' semi wet hair
filling up his lungs until he can only pass out, Harry does just that and
everything is black but everything is also Louis.
***
Louis had never woken up feeling so warm. He nuzzled himself into his sleeping
Harry and breathed in the scent that was the same as his own. Louis couldn't
decide whether or not he liked the fact that Harry was sleeping naked beside
him. On one hand, it's not like Louis hasn't seen him naked before but on the
other, should he really be getting this comfortable with Louis so soon? But he
still decides to let it go because it's Christmas and thinking can wait.
It was already Christmas when Harry sang and when they wanked and then showered
after but now it actually feels like it because the sun is beaming in slowly
through the window, indicating that it is, in fact, morning now and if the
slight chatter from downstairs is anything to go by, Louis assumes at least
Harry's parents are awake if not the boys.
"Merry Christmas, Lou." Harry suddenly croaks out and Louis feels his body
tense at how good Harry's morning voice is in his ears. It sounds so good that,
without much control or anything of the sort, Louis felt his own erection press
against Harry's, the two seperated by two thin pieces of clothing that Louis
was incredibly thankful for because he's sensitive enough as it is.
"M-merry Christmas." Louis whispered back and felt Harry tighten his arms
around him.
"No need to feel embarrassed Lou. It's all completely normal." Harry soothes
and Louis nods into his chest, already knowing that it's biologically normal,
he's not stupid, but still it's odd to him to have an erection in the morning
when it never really happens, last night being his first one.
"Haz?"
"Mm?"
"You l- love me?" Louis felt Harry smile against his neck before he kissed the
bit of exposed skin there. Slowly, Harry pulled back a little and his smile
only grew as he saw Louis' face.
"I do."
"So it wasn't a dream?" Louis doesn't know why but for some reason, his mind
just can't comprehend that part of last night. He knows the wanking definitely
happened because of how relaxed he's feeling and, probably the most obvious
tell, because he's wearing Harry's clothes that Harry himself must've put on
sometime after the shower.
Harry shook his head firmly, smile never disappearing before he leaned in and
kissed Louis' lips, the contact immeadiately sending shivers through Louis'
body and Louis subconsciously pressed himself closer to Harry, both of them
groaning a bit as their cocks pressed even more against one another.
A rather very loud knock sprung the boys apart at a devilish speed before
Niall's suddnely very thick Irish accent spoke through the wooden door. "Go on
ye lovebirds it's Christmas en it everyone's waitin' on ye to come down so we
can open presents." Louis blushed furiously, as did Harry, who cleared his
throat and yelled to Niall that they'd be right down.
Harry got out of bed then and casually walked over to his wardrobe, not minding
in the slightest that Louis had a full view of Harry's plum, pale ass that
didn't make the situation in Louis' pants any better or easier to deal with.
That's when Louis started to worry because he can't go in front of everyone
with a throbbing erection but he doesn't really have time to wank now.
"H- Haz?" Harry turned around just as he put his underwear on and it was clear
that he was in the same situation as Louis.
"What's wrong Lou?" Louis couldn't bring himself to say it so instead he just
flicked his eyes down, hoping Harry would figure it out. "Oh," Harry blushed a
little and then smiled, as if Louis' erection was some sort of accomplishment
for him. "Just, uhm, think of something bad. Something disgusting. Something
that can't get you aroused."
Louis tried thinking of rotten cheese or poop but it didn't really work because
his mind would just blank out after a bit and all that'd be left would be Harry
which just made the whole thing worse. "What do you think of?" Louis asked when
he saw that Harry had his eyes closed with a pained expression covering his
face and his cock began softening up in his boxers.
Harry opened his eyes again and Louis didn't miss how his eyes glistened with
tears. "My nan's wrinkled feet." a tear slid down Harry's cheek and Louis
gasped before he ran out of bed and gathered Harry in his arms, hugging all the
pain away and as soon as he did, his cock went instantly flaccid because there
is absolutely nothing arousing about Harry in pain.
"Why do that to yourself Haz? Why think like that?" Louis worriedly rubbed
Harry's back and Harry started purring softly.
Harry shrugged "It does the trick I guess."
"Think of something else please," Louis begged "I can't have you thinking such
sad thoughts just to get rid of an erection. It's not healthy." Louis never
thought he'd be the one telling Harry what's healthy and not given how he
doesn't know how most things work but he can't help scolding Harry now as he
knows that thinking a thought like that, probably every day, cannot be healthy.
It cannot be and it shouldn't be. And it isn't.
"I'll be alright but thank you." Harry whispered softly and gave Louis a kiss
on the cheek before he proceeded to fully dress in a random jumper and
sweatpants. "Let's go get some presents." Harry cooed joyfully and tugged at
Louis' hand, rushing them both downstairs where he let go of Louis' hand,
giving an apologetic smile to which Louis could only nod because he didn't
really know what Harry was apologizing for.
"Finally!" Liam groaned from the sofa and Louis suddenly felt air abandon his
lungs in a quick whiff. There was a lot more people sitting and standing in the
living room now than Louis remembers there being last night as they went to
sleep.
A shorter blond woman suddenly appears from nowhere (the kitchen), seemingly
about Anne's age and her face looks familiar but Louis can't place it. "Oh hiya
there, you must be lil Louis. Nialler's told me so much about ya. You're a good
lad eh?" before Louis can utter a single word, the woman has Louis grasped in a
tight hug and over her shoulder, Louis glares at a beaming Harry who seems to
enjoy Louis' discomfort with strangers. As she pulls away she says "I'm Maura,
Nialler's mum eh!" her accent is thick Irish and Louis places her finally as
Niall's mum. She seems lovely. And Louis now gets why Niall is a hugger himself
as well.
"Hi," Louis greets sheepishly and she coos at him a little, as if he were a
baby.
"Well aren't you just the cutest lil pupper?" she mumbles like she would do a
baby or a dog really and pinches Louis' already red cheeks.
"That he is." Harry whispers but Louis hears him and only blushes more.
"Merry Christmas." he says to Maura and she coos a bit more.
"Merry Christmas darlin', and don't you ever let this pupper go you hear me
Harry?" she tells Harry sternly and he only smiles widely.
"I couldn't do it if I tried."
"Oh, Maura you can't just hog the boy all day can you? Give us a chance to meet
him as well." another woman speaks from the same hellish spawner of middle aged
women that is Harry's kitchen before she walks out in here true blonde glory,
gazing at Louis through soft brown eyes and Louis instantly places them with
Liam who's lounging lazily on the sofa, Zayn draped over him slightly.
"Well I was here first wa'n' I Karen? You should'a been quicker this pupper is
mine now!" Maura's stance is mock protective in front of Louis before she
enevelops him in another tight hug, this one easier to bear since he feels like
he knows her more but he still seeks salvation and comfort in Harry's green
eyes that watch over him like a hawk in case things go bad.
"You don't own him Maura let the boy go!" Seemingly, Karen, scolds Niall's mum
but her face is all smily and joking and Louis understands they're all just
comfortable with each other.
"Zaynie Yasie said he'll bring you those pants you want! But you should've
brought another pair if you were going to wee yourself!" a third woman screams
from the front porch, presumably ending her phone call as she struts in and the
whole house laughs, including Liam who's currently being used as Zayn's shield
from pure embarrassment that seemingly his mum had brought upon him by shouting
all of that out loud.
"Gee you could've been louder, I don't think they heard you in Glasgow." Zayn
grumbles from somewhere inside Liam's embrace and Zayn's mum huffs out.
"Don't get snarky with me." she scolds and her eyes catch Louis which makes her
features soften and she coos at him the same as the other two women did, as if
he were a kitten of some sort. "Zaynie is this Louis?" she screams again, as if
Zayn is the only who knows the answer despite Maura and Karen fighting over who
gets to hug him most and Harry just grins brightly at him, as if sensing that
Louis isn't as uncomfortable as he's showing them, he's just new to this.
"Yes mum."
"Awww well aren't you the sweetest thing." Zayn's mum has absolutely no regard
for the other two women fighting for his hug and she pushes them both away,
gathering Louis in her arms and Louis begins to feel that he really is a kitten
after all given how small he feels in her arms, and in the arms of Karen and
Maura. "I'm Trisha, Zaynie's mum. He's a bit of a work in progress but I think
he'll be fine.
"I can still hear you mum."
"Good!" and everyone laughs again and Louis is finally released from Trisha's
arms and he instinctively goes to hide next to Harry who's quite literally
glowing. Not to mention that he's burning hot right which makes Louis regret
coming to stand beside him because it feels like he's in a volcano right about
now.
"Merry Christmas by the way!" Louis chimes in, remembering he didn't really say
it enough since it is Christmas and the women just coo, Anne joining them from
the kitchen as well. The boys come in from the living room and everyone kind of
has a weird hugging session with everyone in the small hallway and Louis knows
it's too much for him. He knows he can't take this much interaction, no less
with people he doesn't even know, but he doesn't move. He wills himself not to
break right now even though he feels like he's being suffocated.
Louis' ears have popped and his vision has gone blurry by the time cold air hit
him in the face and he realised that Harry was holding onto him tightly there
where they stood at the back door so Louis could get some fresh air. "I'm s-"
"Don't you dare apologize now." Harry growls "You are doing so good, don't dare
for even a second think that you're not because you are. I'm so proud of you
Lou. I can't say it enough." Harry then proceeds to kiss Louis' hair and Louis
truly feels guilty that he's so much work for Harry. "I love you." Harry says
then, as if reading Louis' guilty mind or maybe he just felt like he had to say
it. Whichever it was, it made Louis smile and he turned in Harry's embrace so
they were face to face.
Louis thought about saying the words back but he doesn't know if it's right to
say them. He doesn't know what they mean and he doesn't know if they cover his
feelings right now. He just has no idea. But instead of dwelling on that and
bringing himself down because of it, Louis just settles for a deep kiss on
Harry's lips in hopes of getting his feelings across that way.
"You alright now?" Harry asks as they pull apart and Louis nods, making Harry's
concerned face be replaced with a smile. "You want to go back in there?" Louis
nods again and Harry kisses him twice more, once on the lips, once on the
forehead, and they slowly go back in, both reacting to the change in
temperature by shivering as they walk.
Everyone slowly gathers in the living room and Louis gets introduced to 2
little girls, Safaa and Doniya, who are Zayn's sisters and they insisted on
sitting in Louis' lap but Harry stopped them from doing that because he knows
putting weight on his scarred thighs would hurt a lot to which Louis gives him
a thankful look as the girls grumble and make the boys all sit on the floor
which they do without question. Well except for Niall who is too emotionally
attached to that dumb chair to not sit there even though he's not drunk right
now. At least Louis hopes he isn't.
"Alright who wants to go first?" Anne asks as the children all jostle around
the room impatiently.
"Shouldn't we wait for dad and the girls?" Zayn asks then and Trisha smiles.
"They'll be a while dear and they said we could begin without them." Zayn gives
a nod but his face isn't really happy like it normally is, Louis guesses he's
close to his dad or maybe the girls he was referring to but whichever it is,
Liam seems to comfort Zayn out of the the short sad haze with a hug and it
reminds Louis of when he gets like that and Harry hugs the sadness out of him.
***
Harry's been making grabby hands at Louis all day but especially after he's had
some egg-nog at which point he just became absolutley unbearable for Louis. The
worst part is that he's not even annoying. Louis loves the undivided attention
that Harry's giving him and he loves it even more when people, like Liam for
example, decide to question the behaviour and Harry just brushes them off and
keeps rubbing his hands all over Louis. His back, his chest, his hair, just
anywhere he can touch without it being too suspicious. He's also been blowing
kisses and he's tried to kiss Louis a couple times but Louis pushed his drunk
face away and couldn't resist a smile at Harry's adorable pout.
But as time went on and day slowly turned to night and everyone's had a little
bit of egg-nog except for the children, yes, even Louis who didn't neccessarily
like it but it was worth the gigantic smile he received from Niall when he
finished an entire glass, Harry has become even more irresistable.
"You're cute." Harry said drunkenly for the billionth tonight and just like
every single time before it, Louis felt himself blush and smile as he avoided
Harry's eyes. "You're so cute Lou." Harry groaned a little and got up from
where he was sat on the kitchen stool so he could hug Louis from behind.
Louis decided to help Anne out and do the dishes after dinner since he felt
pretty guilty about invading her home like this on Christmas of all days and as
much as she resisted that, in the end she let Louis do as he wanted and Harry
wanted to help him but he was being irresistably annoying by touching Louis'
ass a lot and simply by trying to crowd Louis into kissing him at which point
Louis kicked him out but Harry only pouted and sat on the stool, making sure
Louis knew Harry thought he was cute.
"I'm not finished yet Harry." Louis had promised Harry he would kiss him once
he was done with the dishes but it seems like Harry just got tired of waiting.
"I'm suffering." Harry cried out and started kissing Louis' neck "Just one kiss
and I'll leave you to this."
Louis sighed, grabbing onto the sink for balance because he was feeling pretty
weak from the kisses Harry was leaving on his neck. "I don't want you leaving
me," it was true, Louis liked the attention and the grabby hands and the sweet
comments and as much as he pretended he didn't, he absolutely did. If it were
anyone else, Louis would probably feel weird and creeped out about it but this
is Harry. This is the boy who gave Louis his first kiss ever, his first wank
ever, the first person who ever touched Louis the way he did. The first person
to show some actual care in his well being. Thinking back to all the things
Harry has done for Louis, Louis couldn't resists a smile and he turned around
in Harry's arms, not wasting a second to capture his lips in a long, bruising
kiss. "Thank you." is what Louis said against his lips and earned himself a
beautiful, dimpled smile.
"It's only because I love you." Harry joked but still Louis' heart fluttered at
the beautiful words.
I love you too. Louis thought but couldn't bring himself to say it. Still,
Louis felt like Harry knew it.
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
     this chapter is extremely sensitive and triggering. If you are
     triggered or disgusted by rape/non-con forceful sex then I advise you
     to skip this or read at your own risk.
A/N: this chapter is extremely sensitive and triggering. If you are triggered
or disgusted by rape/non-con sex then I advise you to skip this or read at your
own risk.
_________________
"One more." Harry pouted cutely and it was so difficult to resist him now. It
is now officially boxing day afternoon and Louis had the chance to meet a
little bit more of Harry's family, all of whom are really lovely and sweet,
just like Harry and just like Anne. But now it's time for Louis to leave and go
back to the house, an idea neither of the boys are comfortable with since
they'd both much rather just lay in Harry's bed all day as they kissed and
cuddled under the sheets. Kissing and cuddling is really the only thing they
could be doing because whenever they even think of wanking, they get
interrupted and it's frustrating how many times Louis had to think of George to
get himself soff.
"I have to go Harry." Louis said and Harry rolled his eyes, scoffing a little.
"Yeah right. You're just tired of my lips." Harry was obviously joking and
Louis knew it but still he hated how difficult Harry was being and how tightly
he was gripping at Louis' hips. Not tight enough to leave bruises but tight
enough so Louis would struggle escaping.
"I'm not, Harry I love your lips." Louis promised as he caressed Harry's cheek
with his knuckles.
"Prove it." Harry pouted out his lower lip and Louis saw the trap he walked
into all on his own.
"You little minx." Louis groaned in displeasure while Harry just grinned
innocently and puckered his lips for the kiss. So Louis leant up and captured
Harry's waiting lips in a sweet, long kiss. When he pulled away he was seeing
stars but he couldn't kick the smile off his face if he tried. "I hate you so
much." Louis groaned and leant his head back so it would bang off the heavy
wooden front door.
"Hey," Harry said sternly and lifted Louis' head off the door. "Don't hurt that
pretty head." Harry then kissed Louis' forehead and hair. "I love this pretty
head."
"Creep." Louis muttered and Harry gasped a little, offended, before kissing all
over Louis head, not letting him leave. "You're the creepiest creep that ever
creeped." Louis kept teasing because he knew Harry would just keep on kissing
and as much as Louis knew he had to leave because he can't stay here forever
and as much as he pretended like Harry's kisses bothered him, he was fooling no
one with rejecting Harry the way he does. He can't get enough of Harry and that
is probably the truest thing that Louis has ever thought.
About 5 minutes and 11 billion kisses later, Harry finally let Louis leave and
Louis hated to admit it but he already missed Harry a whole bunch and he was
barely down the street. Louis kept smiling into the scarf that Harry gave him
as a "Christmas present" but Louis knew it was just Harry not wanting Louis to
be cold in the minus degree weather with light snow. He couldn't stop smiling
because he was admittedly happy now. The whole socialization thing was a little
bit difficult to handle given how it's a lot more than Louis has ever done and
in just a couple days, Louis was overwhelmed beyond belief. Harry was, of
course, always there to drag him from the crowd and comfort and he made sure
that Louis was alright but Louis himself wasn't sure how alright he was now.
The fresh, cold air surely helps clear his head and fill his lungs but he still
wishes he had some form of actual release that wouldn't make him want to puke.
Louis doesn't know what the feelings he has for Harry are called but they're
strong and important and after this weekend, Louis knows that he needs Harry to
stay alive. He's given all he can to Harry and Harry keeps it all locked away
somewhere deep inside where no one can touch it and Louis can't get it back and
if Harry gets mean with him now or starts hurting Louis, Louis is pretty sure
he would fall apart. But if Harry decides he doesn't love Louis anymore and
leaves him, Louis knows he will die the instant it happens so he's praying to
whatever deity there is that it doesn't happen.
***
The house is a lot calmer and quiet as Louis enters it now after being absent
for a few days and he can smell the hot coco in the air which makes him gag a
little. It smell nothing like Anne's coco and Louis only knows one kind of coco
and it's Anne's coco.
It weirds Louis out that the house is quiet and empty. It's usually never like
this other than when the kids are all at school and Louis finds it so
incredibly strange that the house is suddenly like this. He's even a little
afraid if he's being completely honest. What scares him even more is that the
door to his room is open. There doesn't seem to be anything missing from what
he can see but he knows for a fact he left them closed since he exited through
the window. It looks like they searched for Louis for whenever they left the
house. Louis faintly remembers this happening every year but since he always
makes sure to sleep through Christmas, he doesn't really know where everyone
is.
Feeling a tad bit more comfortable in the empty house, Louis decided to go and
replenish himself with some tap water since he's mostly been drinking egg-nog
and random juices while he was at Harry's.
As empty as the house felt, something was off and Louis couldn't place what.
Something seemed out of place. As if the whole thing was incredibly planned and
Louis' actually not all alone and they're all just waiting in the cupboards to
ruin him. To hurt him. Louis craved Harry in that moment more than he ever did
before. He just needed him here. He needed him clutching Louis' hand in comfort
and he needed him kissing his hair and forehead reasssuringly. He needed his
Harry.
The idea of using the phone Niall gave him crossed Louis' mind but he thought
better of it since Harry probably doesn't want to hear from Louis now. As much
as he loves him and as much as he loves kissing him, Harry's undoubtedly
resting somewhere, trying to get the weight of Louis' presence off his mind.
The thought made Louis' stomach twist because he knew it was true but that
didn't make it hurt any less.
----
A/N: proceed with caution!!!
----
Louis refused to tear up at the thought of Harry being tired of him and he
decided he was just gonna go and sleep for a bit since there's not much for him
to really do.
Louis had barely stepped out of the kitchen and he was already smacked across
the face with George's giant palm that easily covered the entire side of Louis'
face. Usually Louis doesn't let himself show that he was in pain but he was
caught off guard and the right side of his face momentarily went numb. He
screamed loudly and doubled over, recieving a punch to the stomach, immediately
collapsing to his knees.
"You motherfucker." Gergoe sneered and harshly pulled at Louis' hair, bringing
him up before grabbing at his throat, holding him up against the wall. "You
think you can just leave the house for days and go unpunished? You think you
can do whatever the fuck you want and not suffer consequences? Is that what you
fucking thought? Well you thought wrong." George's voice went scarily quiet
with the last bit before he dropped Louis from his hold, immediately throwing
his tiny body over his shoulder and carrying him up the stairs Louis has never
touched and now gets to see the carpeted surface of them, blood spatches all
over them.
Louis couldn't keep himself from crying but he couldn't make a sound. He
couldn't let George know that he was terrified out of his mind, he couldn't
make his fear known in any way. Louis' mind has prepared him for this happening
sooner or later. He's had countless nightmares that start off just like this
and unfold the same but those were only nightmares, Louis was sure this wasn't
a nightmare. This was reality. His reality.
However much Louis craved Harry just a minute ago down in the kitchen, he
craved him about a thousand times more now. He needed his Harry to hold his
hand and to kiss his forehead and to tell him he won't let anything happen to
him because Harry loves Louis and Louis needs Harry.
Louis wanted to say I'm sorry to George in hopes it would stop the crazy man
but no sound escaped his lips. He was frozen still and quiet and there was
nothing he could to defend himself, to save himself. Louis was all alone and as
much as his mind had prepared him for his, there was nothing that could make
him feel alright right now.
George threw Louis on a bed in a room that had boarded windows and no lock on
the door and the only thing in it was the bed that Louis was now crying on top
of. "It's gonna hurt. You'll feel everything you little bitch." George spat
hatefully and unbuckled his belt. Before Louis could even blink, the same belt
he just saw Gergoe unbuckle, sprung the distance between them and hit Louis'
tear stained cheeks. George roared something more, yelling things at Louis that
Louis couldn't hear or understand.
He blanked out and tried imagining Harry's hand clutched in his, his soft lips
atop Louis' forehead where they belong. He tried to make himself comfortable
because he knew this would hurt like a bitch but still he needed Harry. So he
whispered the angelic name to himself and clenched his eyes shut, tears
streaming down as he imagined Harry and his green eyes, his curls, his dimples,
he tried imagining him as much as he could because he could just get lost in
the thoughts of Harry and maybe not feel what was actually going on. He was
trying to save himself the trauma that this would cause.
Louis felt Geroge grab at the waistband of his sweatpants and he pulled them
down, satanic laughs escaping his mouth as he watched the scars and bruises
reveal themselves. "Ugly just like the rest of ya." was what Louis heard and he
replaced the sounds with Harry instead because Harry was his guarding angel.
Louis felt George's belt snap on his scars a few times and he hated that he
felt it. He tried to block it out but it hurt too much.
Gergoe then flipped Louis over so he was on his tummy and Louis cried out when
his bleeding thighs jumped on the mattress. He was desperately trying to get
himself to remember Harry's lips on his scars and his lips on his bruises and
his lips on his forehead but as much as he remembered it, it didn't change the
fact that Louis could still feel everything George was doing. He could hear
latex snap somewhere behind him. He could hear the sound of some type of slick.
And just as Louis began to wonder what the slick was for, George slammed into
him, making Louis take all of him at once.
Louis screamed from the terrible, horrifying pain but the screams just seemed
to have made George happy. He kept slamming in, sadistic laughs thrown left and
right, a few of "You're so tight's" flowing around the room and Louis just kept
crying, his face burrowed in the mattress, his ass adjusted up high so he could
feel every single inch of George's cock with every single thrust he made inside
Louis.
No amount of curls, dimples, green eyes, and soft lips were going to replace
what Louis was going through and he hated himself more than he ever has before
in the 17 years he's been alive for one reason and one reason only and that was
the fact that as much as he hated this, his body still found pleasure and he
found himself close to coming. He was thinking of everything and anything to
keep himself from giving in to this sick thing, from giving George pleasure by
enjoying this but his body was stronger than him and he splurted out onto the
mattress with tears and screams of discomfort and Geroge just laughed and
laughed as he kept on pumping.
George brought one of his hands around to grip at Louis and then laughed when
he felt Louis' cock was all sticky, glazed over with come. "Oh you love all
this don't you? Yeah you do you little bitch." George ran a thumb over the tip
of Louis' cock and Louis hated that it felt good. That it brought even more
pleasure to his sensitive cock that with each thrust from George was getting
closer and closer to coming again and George wanking Louis at the same time
didn't make things any easier for Louis.
Louis wanted to scream for Geroge to stop but he couldn't. He just kept crying
and taking in the cock that George was giving him while he tried so hard not to
come again but just like the first time, he had no control and he came again,
splurting a significantly smaller amount of come over the mattress and his abs
as well as the hand of George who laughed even more, truly enjoying the fact
that Louis came twice now.
"You are such good boy my little sunflower!" George roared with a final thrust
and rooted himself deep inside Louis where he stayed for a little bit while his
hands smacked Louis' asscheeks repeatedly.
----
A/N: it's alright now
----
As soon as Geroge had left the room, Louis rushed down the stairs and left the
house. He didn't care he was barefoot, he didn't care that he didn't have his
shirt on, he didn't care that it was fucking freezing outside, already dark, he
didn't care that his vision was blurred by tears and that in the middle of the
damn street at 7 at night, Louis was this weird kid that was running half naked
in the snow, desperately trying to get to Harry's before he passed out but that
didn't really turn out as well as he'd hoped because he felt himself lose
consciousness and collapse into the few inch of snow on the ground.
***
Harry was awfully bored and lonely as he laid sprawled out on the sofa, not
really even watching TV because he missed Louis' presence around him. Even
before this weekend, Harry found it difficult to let go of Louis but now that
is even worse because he got to kiss Louis' lips and his skin and he got to
wash him and towell dry him and he got to be Louis' first wank and just so many
things have happened between him and Louis in the past few days that Harry
can't help but keep replaying in his head. He just wants it all over again. But
he doesn't want just the kiss again or just the wank or just the shower, he
wants to experience it again for the first time ever. He wants that gut feeling
that makes him feel like he could fly. As magical as kissing Louis is each and
every time he does it, Harry wishes he could feel it again for the first time.
But since he knows he can't, he settles for replaying it in his mind and trying
to keep himself soft while he thinks of Louis naked and his beautiful cock and
those blue eyes that Harry wants his children to inherit.
Harry is broken out of his dirty thoughts by his phone ringing and he groans as
he releases his cock from his hand pulls it out of his sweatpants so he can
pick up the phone, Robin being the caller. "Hello?"
"Harry you need to come to the hospital." Harry's heart sank at the words
"What happened? Are you okay? Mum! Robin's at the hospital!" as soon as the
words were said, Anne rushed into the living room from the kitchen, face
flushed and worried.
"Jesus Harry don't scare your mother like that I'm fine."
"Oh. Then why do I need to get there?" Harry was now even more worried as he
mouthed to his mum that Robin was fine and she let out a huff of air before
sitting down on the armrest of the sofa.
"It's that boy of yours, Louis. Me and the lads found him lying in the snow
outside the pub half naked. He's not looking good Harry."
Harry didn't even care that he threw up all over the carpet and the coffee
table because he couldn't care and he didn't want to care. What the fuck
happened to Louis? Harry thought and jumped up from the sofa, ignoring Anne's
scolds about the throw up as he went to put his shoes on. "I'll be there and
don't let them call anybody. Can you please keep them from calling any contacts
that may be on his record?" Harry begged Robin one thing while he begged Anne
to get the car because he would pass out from worry if he tried to walk to to
the hospital now.
"Harry he's a minor they're gonna have to inform someone."
"Yes and you informed me," Harry sneered and dragged Anne out of the house by
the hand. "That's bloody well enough. We'll talk when I arrive." and Harry hung
up, too upset and worried to think now let alone talk. Harry knew he was being
selfish now but he also knew that whoever Louis was running from, and
he was running from someone, must've been somebody at the orphanage, maybe even
"the master" that Louis is so afriad of, he often whimpers in his sleep about
the person and clutches Harry close. He doesn't know what this person did to
make Louis run outside half naked in the minus degree weather but he knew it
couldn't possibly have been something good. He knows Louis well enough to know
this was more serious than it might seem.
Louis had never looked this soft and tiny. His small body was bundled on the
bed, covered in bandages and casts and he was connected to some tubes and
machinery, stuff Harry normally didn't really understsnd but righg now he
couldn't even care or wonder about them.
When Harry arrived, Louis had been rushed to surgery because an x-ray scan
revealed either completely unheald or incorrectly heald broken bones. Harry
hated that. Not so much because there was someone hurting Louis but because the
doctors now knew that too and he was sure they'd start proding Louis for
answers and they'd send in people to take care of Louis delicate situation.
Harry didn't want anyone asking Louis anything because he knew he'd be scared
and overwhelmed and the worst part was that he knew they wouldn't let him be
there with him during the conversations to give comfort.
When they saw the broken bones and overall Louis' broken condition, they
decided to take Harry up on not calling anybody. Harry was glad at least about
that.
Louis hasn't woken up yet and Harry hasn't slept yet. Anne and Robin kept
begging him to go home and get some rest, maybe take a shower too, but he
couldn't leave knowing how scared and disoriented Louis would once he finally
woke up. Harry doesn't know what happened but he does know that Louis will be
terrified out of his mind and he'll be extremely overwhelmed and Harry wants to
be here to hold his hand and kiss his forehead when he wakes up. He's already
kissed everywhere on his head that he could reach except for his lips, needing
consent for that. Especially now and the fact that he was half naked in the
snow can't mean that whatever happened at the house was anything good.
Social workers and therapists were already outside the room, all talking to
each other about how to go about Louis' situation and Harry's blood was boiling
inside him because Louis didn't deserve to be treated that way. Like a patient.
He didn't deserve to be attacked the second he woke up.
Just as Harry turned back to watch over Louis, he saw Louis flutter his eyes
open, fear and overwhelm covering his face in an instant as he squeezed Harry's
hand hard enough to break a bone probably but he didn't. And even if he did,
Harry doubts he could care. "Wh-" Louis cut himself off because his voice was
hoarse and dry and Harry immeadiately took the glass that he'd agree prepared
for Louis and he brought the end of the straw to Louis' soft lips, holding the
glass for him.
Louis finished up the entire glass, his eyes focused on the people outside who
don't seem to have noticed he was awake yet. "What's going on?" Louis asked,
voice still hoarse and dry as Harry put the glass away, recieving a small nod
from Louis, indicating he wasn't thirsty anymore and the horasness was probably
due to the surgery Louis had gone through.
Harry sighed and look away from Louis. It was clear now that Louis had
temporarily lost his memory and Harry wanted to keep it that way for a while
longer because the longer he didn't remember, the better his mind would be and
the less he'd have to talk to those people outside. But as much as Harry wanted
to keep the recent events a secret, he couldn't possibly let himself lie to
Louis. He hasn't done that yet and he doesn't plan on starting. Especially not
now.
"Robin found you outside," Harry gulped and finally looked at Louis who was
still confused. "You were passed out in the snow... Half naked." as Harry
finished, everything seemed to have come back to Louis, probably all at one go
because the next thing Harry knew, Louis was crying. It was loud whaling but
more soft sobs and whimpers as he clutched Harry's hand in a death grip.
Harry decided not to push him for answers of any kind for right now and he just
leaned in, kissing Louis' forehead tenderly and staying in the close position
when Louis curled a fist around Harry's collar, not letting him get away. Louis
was so soft and small and all Harry wanted to do was protect him.
Which is exactly why Harry hissed angrily when the first psychologist decided
to waltz in with a grin, attempting to be friendly but he only made things
worse because Louis clutched harder at Harry and continued crying relentlessly.
"I'm sorry kid but we need to talk to him." another one came in then, this one
having a social worker's badge and a thick American accent that Harry despised
the moment she dared open her mouth.
"No." Harry growled and the hand he had rested on the side of Louis' hip,
gripped firmly onto Louis and Harry made sure that his body was shielding Louis
from them, given the position they were in.
"You have no say in this. We'd ask you to please exit the room." it was three
of them now, two social workers and a psychologist that looked wary of their
decision to try and intimidate not only a child but the one person Louis
absolutely needed right now.
"Maybe we should just let the child rest." the psychologist suggested and began
to walk out, stopped in his tracks by the American.
"The longer we wait, the bigger the chances the rapist already fled the
country." Harry's stomach twisted at the word rapist. Harry couldn't breathe
and he saw red at the thought of somebody doing anything to his Lou against his
will. Louis began whaling at the word rapist, clearly remembering the event and
most likely replaying in his head.
"Get out." Harry warned "All of you." Harry's not an angry or aggressive person
but he is someone who is very emotionally driven. Meaning he was in close
contact with his emotions and he knew how to control. Except for when it came
to his Lou. When it came to his Lou, there wasn't a single emotion he could
control, anger being the first on the list. So Harry warned them all for a
reason because if he hears them utter another word or feels them move another
inch, he will lose all control of himself.
The American laughed somewhere behind Harry, her annoying accent recognizable
even in the way she laughed but before she could say anything, a doctor was
sternly shooing them all away and Harry sighed in relief as the doctor closed
the glass sliding door and came to stand at the foot of the bed, checking
Louis' chart. Harry leaned down again and kissed Louis' tears away once his
whaling had been reduced to mere hiccuping and stray tears.
"It's okay." Harry whispered when the doctor cleared his throat, clearly
wanting Harry to move a little so he could see Louis face to face and Harry did
try to move away but Louis wouldn't let him so Harry giggled lovingly and
kissed his forehead, turning his head over his shoulder.
The doctor smiled a sad smile and open his mouth to talk but he was cut off by
the door opening as Anne walked inside, the boys all trailing behind her with
worried expressions and Harry was glad they were here too, they could help him
fight off unneccessary and annoying people.
"Hey." they all greeted quietly and Louis perched up a little at the familiar
voices but his face was still shielded from view and despite the boys being
incredibly close, Harry had no intention of moving right now.
The doctor cleared his throat and everyone turned to look at him instead of
Harry and Louis' odd position. "Right so, he's stable for now, we fixed 3
broken ribs on the right side and there was one on the left that had healed
incorrectly which we also fixed but it's going to need some monitoring for at
least a few days. His left wrist was broken sometime between a year and six
months ago and it strangely healed quite alright without treatment. There
seemed to have been bruises but those look like they went away on their own,
most of them did at least." the doctor spoke slowly, looking at the tablet in
his hands rather than anyone else in the room and everyone knew he was
purposely avoiding a certain segment. A very delicate subject that could send
Louis in another frenzy.
"What about-" Anne was the first to speak but she cut herself off, unable to
finish the sentence and Harry couldn't resist the urge to kiss Louis' forehead.
The doctor cleared his throat again. "Right," he looked up from the tablet and
met eyes with Harry, looking incredibly sad and compassionate. "Bleeding in the
rectal region was minimal and we cleared out some basic lubricant from the area
as well. Physically, the damage was barely-there and we suspect bowel movement
should only be difficult for a short while, mainly within the first couple days
so there shouldn't be much worry there." he cleared his throat again "However,
the psychologically, I don't think it's looking good."
Harry appreciated the I that was thrown in there. Doctors are supposed to be
objective and they should be neutral when talking about patients and their
condiotions but this doctor seems to understand that there is only one person
in the room other than himself that's still basically a child and all of them
probably needed the comfort of a doctor who didn't view Louis as a problem to
fix but a small person that's been hurt.
"What about them?" Harry sneered as he nodded over to the ever-growing group of
people that wanted to attack his Lou with stupid questions when what he needed
was to be cuddled and kissed and held and loved and there is no way Harry's
going to not do those things for his Lou.
The doctor turned to look at them too then looked back at Harry. "It really
lies in the hands of the patient at this point." he spoke "If he doesn't want
to claim a suit against his attacker or file for a break-over from his
orphanage, then they will all leave and he will be escorted back to his home
once he's stable enough to leave."
Harry's stomach dropped to somewhere around his knees as he turned back to look
at Louis who looked like he was about to fall asleep. " Hey," Harry whispered
softly and gathered Louis' attention, making him look up from where he was
staring at the hickey he himself proudly left on Harry's shoulder. "What do you
wanna do?"
Louis didn't look sure and his answer was just as unsure, it being a small
shrug before he went back to staring at his dirty art.
Harry turned back around and he was hopeless because he didn't want Louis going
back there ever again but he didn't want those people prodding Louis for
answers, at least not until he was sure that Louis was ready to talk about it
which, if he knew Louis and he did know him quite well, wouldn't be for some
time. "How much time does he have for the decision?" Harry asked, hoping to buy
Louis sometime and doctor gave him an unsure shrug.
"A few days I guess. For as long as he's in here, he's fine and protected. As
soon as we clear him, whichever decision he makes is what happens next." Harry
didn't even want to think about Louis choosing to go back but knowing Louis, he
probably won't want to be dramatic and he'll just go down quietly like he
always does. His shyness and need to stay invisble is usually something Harry
finds endearing. Usually. But right now, Harry desperately need Louis to be
some badass from an action movie and to start getting some revenge on the
people who've done him wrong.
"Anyways, I believe that's all. My name is doctor McCaid so if you need me at
all, just ask the nurses to page me." the doctor left with a smile and a small
goodbye, glancing at Louis over his shoulder once mire before he left
completely and the boys sort of shuffled on their feet, unsure whether or not
they were allowed near Louis.
Harry looked down at Louis to find him already looking back. He gave a sheepish
nod, as if knowing what him and the boys were thinking and Harry responded with
a smile. "Go on then." Harry encouraged the boys over his shoulder and they all
came round the other side of the bed, all smiling warmly at a distraught Louis
that seemed to be in the state of wanting and probably needing to fall asleep
but couldn't, his troubled mind keeping it awake and Harry couldn't help his
thumb as he brought it up to soothe the frown formed between Louis' eyebrows.
"Hi Lou." Niall was the first one to speak, immediately earning himself a smile
and Niall took it as a sign to further the interaction by leaning down and
kissing Louis' forehead like he knew he neaded and Harry nodded in approval.
"How are you feeling?" Liam spoke next and Louis gave a small shurg, followed
by another soft smile and Harry didn't have to look at Liam to know he was
struggling to keep his tears at bay. Everyone was doing the same. Everyone was
a little bit emotional right now, especially Robin who hadn't really calmed
down since he found Louis and Harry knows it's not good for his heart.
"Mum?" Harry asked and looked over his shoulder. Anne perched up a little from
the chair that she was sat in, looking terribly tired because she didn't want
to leave Harry alone in the hospital. "Take Robin and go home, you both need
the rest." when Anne shook her head and tried to argue, Harry pleaded with his
eyes. "Please mum, it's not healthy for the two of you to be going like this.
It especially isn't for Robin. You know his heart. Go home, get some rest,
we're young and agile, we'll be fine." Harry was only half joking at the end
but still he earned some chuckles from the boys, Louis included, and a warning
smile from his mum who stood up and came over to grab Harry's face in her
hands.
"I love you." she said to Harry as she kissed his forehead and then she tore
him away from Louis a bit, probably because she didn't want to go all the way
around the other side to kiss his forehead. "I wish there was more I could do."
she said to Louis who shook his head a little.
"Don't worry about it." everyone winced at the dryness and hoarseness of his
throat but no one said anything and Louis didn't seem to notice. Anne huffed a
little but left anyways, greeting the boys goodbye as well before she was gone
and as Harry followed her leave, he couldn't avoid the awaiting bastards
outside the room who were probably just looking for the boys to go to the loo
so they can have Louis alone and helpless.
Ever since he met him, Harry has been incredibly protective of Louis but the
most recent events have added a few or more layers to that protectiveness as
well as additional feelings of care and anger. He cares for Louis deeply and
he's bound to get angry if someone tried to touch him without his own or Louis'
permission.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Notes
     you are not ready for how cute and soft this chapter is. If you have
     a heart, rip it out now because you'll die from fluff anyway.
     Also it actually might be a little triggering at one point so just
     skip that part. Don't skip the whole chapter though because I promise
     the rest is really good. :)
Louis stared blankly at the woman, Annis, that sat beside him. He found her
Scottish accent quite soothing in a serious situation where everyone walked on
egg shells around him and made the recent events seem so much worse than they
were in his head.
Louis wasn't going to lie and say he didn't see George every time he closed his
eyes and he wasn't going to lie and say that every movement of the below-waist
region didn't hurt and burn like all hell but as long as he had Harry by his
side, Louis was almost sure he'd be fine. Harry's the only one that can get
Louis to sleep now. At least that's how it's been the past couple of days. It's
New Year's eve now and Louis knows that it's selfish to keep clutching at
Harry's hand as Harry bobs his head to the music in his earphones, not
permitted to listen to the conversation between Louis and his psychologist but
Louis wouldn't talk unless Harry was right beside him with their hands held
tightly. He knows it's selfish to want Harry all for himself every single day
for the rest of his life but especially to want him around on New Year's eve.
Harry hasn't said he minded it and he hasn't even shown he'd rather be
somewhere else but Louis still feels guilty for it. However, his troubled mind
would likely go insane if he were to spend too long without Harry.
They'd transfered Louis to a two bedded room so Harry could get some rest as
well while still in a close enough proximity to hold Louis' hand who cannot
fall asleep unless Harry's holding his hand and either singing to or talking to
him and Louis needs his sleep. The doctors are a little annoyed that a two
bedded room has been taken and that Harry and Louis come as a one package deal
but the nurses all love it. They keep cooing and awwing at them.
A lot of people have come to see Louis and Louis knew almost none of them but
they all came to say hi and talk to him a bit, probably to distract him, and
Louis appreciated that. They were all just patients like him but they were also
people who understood that a barely 17 years old boy had been abused for years
and most recently, raped and their concern is to keep Louis' mind from
wandering off to the horrible event because they know it's not easily
forgettable.
The doctors said Louis was incredibly lucky to have passed out somewhere where
people's inital thought would've been to take him to the hospital where he got
the right treatment and where the truth was easily discovered. They later told
him that they suspected he had done it himself with a toy of some sort but the
bruises on his bum and the overall damage inside him from stretching had to
have been done by force, which it was, and he couldn't have done it on his own,
given the angle of it all. As well as the belt marks. He'd have needed momentum
for that and one's arm, especially Louis', wasn't long enough to gather the
momentum needed.
Louis was just glad he didn't have to talk about it too much and explain
because people believed the truth nevertheless.
"Lou?" Harry's voice broke him out of his thoughts and he looked around, a bit
disoriented. "Where'd you go?" Harry asked and Louis looked at Annis who was
smiling fondly.
Louis shook his thoughts away. "Sorry." he said sheepishly and earned a grunt
from Harry who was never a fan of Louis apologizing all the time but is even
less now after what happened. Louis simply smiled at Harry and kissed his cheek
to make up for it, earning himself a dimpled grin.
"Anywho," Annis broke the sweet moment with a smile and Louis blushed as he
turned back to her "So Louis can you tell me what happened then? You stopped at
being thrown over the shoulder." she encouraged softly and Louis squeezed
Harry's hand tight, glad when he noticed that Harry was listening to him as
well instead of listening to music.
Louis took a deep breath and closed his eyes, realising his mistake when he saw
what he was trying to put to words. He winced at the memory and Harry sat up
from the chair, shimmying Louis over on the bed so he could sit beside him and
wrap his arms around him.
"Just take your time." Harry spoke softly and Annis nodded in agreement.
Louis felt tears prickle as he began to speak. "He threw me over the shoulder
and carried me upstairs. There were blood stains on the floor." Louis melted
further into Harry's touch, hoping that if he melted far enough, the memories
would disappear. "The room he carried me to didn't have a lock and the windows
were all boarded up, I couldn't see much and it was very dark."
Harry cooed softly as Louis shuddered and he wondered why people who made
people feel this safe weren't allowed during these conversations. Louis is well
aware that he wouldn't be able to do this without Harry in a million years.
People who were the Harry to someone's Louis should always be present in times
like these, Louis believed. They're the definition of safety.
Louis took another deep breath, tears rolling down effortlessly as he sniffled
a bit, then continued. "He threw me on the bed and then came the belt." Louis
knew that there was a lot of sound involved as well but he'd blocked that part
out and would like it to stay that way because he has enough trouble sleeping
as it is. A constant ringing of George's laughs would have Louis go insane. "He
turned me over on the bed after he took my shirt, pants, and trousers off. He
came in fast and with force. It hurt a lot." it still does. Louis thought and
he shifted a little, feeling the sharp pain in his crack still. Sometimes it
spreads all the way to his stomach.
*
"I think that's enough for today." Annis sighed once Louis had finished telling
the entire story and it wasn't until he couldn't see her face, vision too
blurry, that he realised just how much he'd been crying. "You did really good
love, I'm proud of you for that. Some people I've worked with take a lot more
to talk about their experience. Some never do." her voice was so soft and
gentle, even more so than Harry's who's, on top of soft and gentle, was
possessive and protective as well as a tad bit angry and Louis knew it wasn't
him he was mad at but George or maybe Louis' fate. "I'll see you on Tuesday."
she said then greeted a goodbye and blew a kiss, earning another back from both
boys.
As soon as she'd closed the door, Harry turned Louis a little and wiped away
his tears. "She's right. You did really good." Harry smiled. "Can I kiss you?"
Louis knew why Harry was asking. He knows that every time Louis closes his eyes
he can see it all unfold again and undoubtedly, even a simple kiss could be
dangerous. Louis suddenly wished he'd kissed Harry a little more that day so
Harry would have a little more to hold on to.
"I think so." Louis nodded and leaned in, both their eyes fluttering shut but
Louis made sure his weren't completely closed as their lips touched softly,
however, because the kiss had felt so good, he shut them completely and
surprisngly, he didn't see George. He just saw Harry and that made him happy.
***
"Yes!" Zayn pumped his fist in the air before high fiving a very happy Liam.
Louis doesn't know when the boys came up with this but they all decided to join
him and Harry at the hospital, rather avoiding the partying manners of a New
Year's eve so they could spend it with Louis and make him happy, help him
forget. Judging from how surprised Harry was when they all came in, he didn't
know either. They brought tons of board games so right now, they're all sat
closely on the two beds in Louis' room, playing Monopolly and Louis wasn't sure
they made the right call when they decided to let Niall be the bank while the
rest of them played in pairs.
They didn't really play in pairs but when Harry was protectively helping Louis
out at the start since he's never played, Liam and Zayn decided to go along
with it and everyone is sort of both playing on their own and in pairs. The
rules have been abandoned a long while ago when Louis had decided he could bail
Harry out of jail even though he really couldn't. A little bit of bickering
occured then but eventually Liam, the rule follower, gave in and they started
making up rules as they go. Niall still has no idea what he's doing as the bank
and he'd actually just finished acting out a scene of a pimp or a drug dealer
from a movie Louis had never seen with the fake, coloured money.
"Hiya boys," gently greeted Emma, the nurse as she walked in with a big grin.
"There's a small party in the waiting area and everyone's already there. I have
personally been ordered by Alf to drag you down there as well." Alf is an
elderly patient who is oddly fond of Louis. More so his relationship with
Harry.
According to his stories, he had a boyfriend at the same age as Louis, 17, when
he fought in the Korean war. His boyfriend was 24 so he fought a little more
than Alf did and he died in combat. Alf said he was the first and last person
he ever loved and that he was the Harry to his Louis. He stayed alone his whole
life, dreading anyone who came near him because they weren't who he was, and
still is, in love with.
Alf had seen many gay couples come and go in his life but none of them made Alf
cry like he cried when Harry was yelling at those social workers once Louis
finally fell back asleep. Alf loves the relationship Louis and Harry share and
he doesn't waste a moment not telling them to hold on tight to what they have
and never give up on each other.
Alf says that even now, despite never seeing or hearing from his boyfriend
again after an almost literal forever, he never gave up on him. He said that
for years he believed he wasn't really dead, just lost somewhere, but he never
reached out to try and find him, too afraid he'd break with the news if he'd
been proven wrong. So he just wrote letters to him that he never sent and he
carries them around so he'd never lose them, in case his boyfriend shows up
somehow.
After hearing the story for the first time when he was telling it just to
Louis, Louis cried a lot because it was so touching and it was difficult to
listen to it. Over time, when he had to hear Alf tell it randomly to whoever
would listen, Louis got better and keeping his tears at bay but the story still
gets him.
"Oh we have to go!" Louis was the first to say anything after the boys all
silently contemplated whether or not they would. "It's Alf!" Louis didn't even
wait for the boys to agree but rathe slipped out of Harry's arms and dropped
down to the floor, wincing instanly as a sharp pain went through his ass and
then spine again, like it did whenever he moved. Harry was down in a blink and
Louis couldn't help the laugh that escaped when he felt Harry softly rubbing
Louis' crack as if it was nothing. "You're oddly comfortable with that motion."
Louis pointed out and earned himself a glare from Harry while everyone else
laughed and slipped off the bed as well but Harry didn't move his hand, just
squeezed a lottle warningly and continued rubbing.
The boys headed down the corridor, trailing behind Emma who suddenly stopped in
her tracks and groaned a little. "Clifford c'mon it's a party you have to go."
she said and walked into the room they were stood in front of.
On the bed laid an old, old man, probably even older than Alf and he looked all
grumpy and angry. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum. "I heard you the first 27
times and I'm not going."
"Why not?" Louis caught himself asking before he could think it through and he
felt Harry's hand stop moving on his bum while everyone stopped to stare at
him, as well as the man who Louis assumses is Clifford.
Clifford looked between Louis and Harry, tracing Harry's arm until it
disappeard on Louis' bum and he seemed to shiver. "I'm not going because the
last time I went to any party, I ended up in war three weeks later. I'm not
going to war again." he grumbled and Emma groaned again.
"I promise you, you won't end up in war again. C'mon everyone else is out
there, this side of the floor is completely empty." Louis looked around and
truth to Emma's words, them and Clifford were the only people around, lights
dim and some music coming from wherever this party was. "There's those biscuits
you like." she tried to manipulate him with food and Clifford looked like he
was thinking about it, then his eyes landed on Niall.
"Blondie," at first Niall didn't know he was who Clifford was referring to,
probably forgetting he was blond. Once he realised, he perched up a little from
where he was stood at the door. "Get me some of those biscuits." Niall looked
unsure but turned on his hell and was about to go before Emma all but shrieked
for him to stop.
"Stop being a big baby Clifford and go get the damn cookies yourself!" Clifford
was smiling contently at Emma's frustration and the language she used, probably
for the first time ever. "I'm so sor-"
Clifford cut her off with a small laugh as he started to get up, having a bit
of trouble since he's so old and Louis didn't even see him move but Liam was
beside him, as well as Emma, both of them trying to help the man stand up
properly and clutch at the walker that was beside his bed. "Finally somebody
around here treats me like I'm something else than a skeleton." Clifford
chuckled, thanking Liam and Emma s they helped him move a lottle before he
shooed them away, able to move on his own now, very slowly but on his own.
"You're not a skeleton Clifford." Emma told him fondly and he scoffed.
"I'm 90 years old today, what the hell else am I supposed to feel like?" they
all moved slowly and the way Clifford talked oddly reminded Louis of someone
but he didn't know who so he just figured it's how old people are.
They reached the common area shortly and a few of Louis' favorite people beamed
at him and his friends. Louis saw Alf standing by the window across the room,
watching the rain outside. "Hey Alf!" Louis beamed happily as the old man
turned around at the sound of his name and he smiled when he saw that Harry was
still shamelessly rubbing Louis' bum, something so out of character for Harry
who was usually very proper and all manners, never the type to clutch to a
boy's ass and not let go for a forever.
Alf made one move towards the boys but then stopped, his eyes zeroing in on
Clifford who was stood beside Louis. At first Louis thought it was just because
they were both so old and Alf hasn't met many old people on the floor but then
when he turned to look at Clifford, he held the same expression.
"I think I'm gonna fall." Clifford said but he didn't move a milimeter. He just
stood there, completely still. Alf started moving from the other side of the
room, visibly grumbling something Louis couldn't hear. Clifford started moving
too and the old men painstakingly slowly moved toward each other, neither able
to move without a walker. People made room for them to walk so they didn't have
to go around and suddenly the volume of the music was significantly lower and
everyone was still except for the two men.
Finally, after what must've been at least 5 minutes, the two elders met in the
middle of the room. Clifford's curls fell over his forehead as he looked down
at a significantly shorter Alf who's eyes always seemed gray to Louis but now
are bluer than the sky.
A shaky hand was brought up from Alf's side and up to Clifford's curls. Both
men smiled as the contact was made and it was quite obvious now that both of
them were crying, as well as most people in the room, including Niall who was
clutching an empty plate of biscuits to his chest, mouth full and pieces of
biscuits spilling out as he whaled, quickly wiping his eyes so he wouldn't miss
what was happening.
By now it was obvious to everyone what was going on. Clifford is the first and
last person Alf had ever loved.
"It's you." both men said in unison and chuckled a little before they mirrored
each other's action and turnd to the side with their walkers, shakily letting
go and turning back to face each other. Clifford put on hand back on his walker
to steady himself and the other roamed Alf's face who was holding the veiny
hand that visibly made him shiver with the touch.
"Happy birthday." Alf said with a fond smile and Clifford suddenly turned into
a delicately shy butterfly who blushed and it was obvious he wanted to look
away but couldn't bring himself to do it.
"Thank you." was all Clifford said and the room fell silent again.
"Fuck me." Alf sighed as he stared up at Clifford and Clifford seemed to have
giggled innocently.
"That can surely be arranged." Clifford said and everyone found it funny but no
one laughed except for Alf, everyone too caught uo in the tears and the moment.
"10, 9, 8," the 10 second countdown till New Year was heard from the downstairs
common area where the people surely had a party as well. It actually wasn't
until everyone heard the countdown that people remembered it was New Year's
Eve. Nobody really cared though because everyone was still too caught up in the
moment and the tears. Louis, for example, was so caught up that he had no idea
Harry was by now very painfully clutching his right asscheek.
"3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!" was heard from downstairs and just as they got to 1,
both of the old men leaned in and kissed, tears streaming down their faces,
hands trembling and legs shaking, barely holding them up but they held each
other up. The kiss looked really intense and intimate and Louis forced himself
to look away, the same as everyone else except for Niall who was still bawling
and munching on a hot dog now, biscuit plate still clutched to his chest.
"Happy New Year." both men whispered as they pulled away, both pairs of eyes
still closed and everyone was so lost in the moment that nobody moved. Louis
knew he wanted to kiss Harry at midnight but as he watched this magic unfold,
the need went away and he was completely fine missing it, knowing he'd get to
kiss Harry loads more but this is the type of thing you only get to witness
once and suddenly Louis felt strangely grateful to have wound up in the
hospital on New Year's eve where two men who've likely avoided everyone in
their lives because they didn't have each other.
Someone, Louis doesn't know who, started a slow clap and it slowly turned into
a loud cheer for the men who were smiling, holding each other's cheeks, eyes
still closed and legs overwhelmingly shaking at this point.
"I'm sorry." Clifford said and let go of Alf who panicked for a moment until he
realised Clifford was apologizing for having to clutch at his walker again.
"We should sit down." Alf suggested and a few nurses came to help them to the
sofa where they sat down next to each other and just... Stared at each other.
The staring was as intimate and intense as the kiss and everyone found
themselves looking away, wiping away their tears, women fanning themselves and
everyone was just trying to get off the high that was that magical moment.
It took people about 10 minutes to gather themsleves properly and to stop
trembling which was exactly when Clifford and Alf started talking, voices
hushed and fond, cute, soft, elderly laughs escaping both of them as they
talked and merely their presence next to each other was the most intimate thing
so far.
"Wow." Louis sighed as he and Harry sat down and Harry nodded, moving his hand
from Louis' to his hand, tear stained cheeks red and eyes bloodshot, same as
everybody else's.
"That was incredible." Harry said and whoever heard made sounds of agreement.
Harry's face lit up a little, like a spark went off and he giggled a little
before he leaned in and Louis easily fell into the kiss, seeing only Harry when
he shut his eyes. "Happy New Year." they said, pulling away and smiled at each
other.
Louis flicked his eyes to look at the old men and couldn't help laugh when he
saw them pretty intensly making out on the sofa like they were teenagers.
Everyone else noticed too and softly laughed as well.
Alf pulled away, despite Clifford's protests and he glared at Louis, unable to
hide a smile. "Just you laugh Tommo, I'd love to see you with Mr. Perfect Curls
over there when you're our age." everyone absolutely lost it at the comment,
including Louis who couldn't deny the fact that Alf couldn't have been more
right about it.
If Louis and Harry are lucky enough to stay together until they're so old,
Louis would only hope they don't lose their young, in love spirit even at that
age.
 
***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Notes
     Alright so I just wanted to let you know that I do understand rape
     victims don't normally bounce back so quickly and easily, they
     especially don't indulge into sex so soon after they've been attacked
     or however else it's put (it sounds passive aggressive but I just
     don't want to be disrespectful by using the incorrect terms) but I
     kind of figured that since Louis is now in a much better place than
     he's ever been before and since he's surrounded by people who care
     about him and protect him, as well as Harry who he loves and he loves
     him back, that maybe it'd be a little easier. It has been indicated
     that Louis has, in fact, struggled with sexual activites at some
     point due to shock and trauma but given the situation he's in now, I
     feel it's alright for him as a character.
     I just wanted to point that out in case someone gets offended by the
     quick flow of events but given the characters I'm dealing with, I
     feel it's all going the way it's supposed to.
      
     That said, I really hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for
     reading.
Louis hated how long the process of break-over from his orphanage took. Harry's
family was kind enough to lend him their lawyer who helped Louis file a lawsuit
against George and he'd requested to be moved out of the house.
It's not something Louis was comfortable with, at all. He kmew the consequences
and he knew that there's no way it would turn out well. Everyone at the house
hates Louis enough as it is, Geroge probably leading the herd, and Louis knows
that they're all revengful people, people who hold grudges and seek revenge
upon those who've wronged them.
It took a lot of convincing from Annis, Harry, Anne, mr. Corden who is now
Louis' lawyer, as well as Alf and Clifford who Louis spent his entire last day
at the hospital with. They all said the same thing and kept pushing Louis to
sue but it never felt like pushing, more like advising and caring, they all
respected that Louis was his own person and old enough to make decisions for
himself and that's probably why he sided with them. It just felt nice that they
treated him like a human being rather than a problem to be fixed.
Once the lawsuit had been filed, Louis was accompanied by some terribly kind
police officers to go back to the house and gather his things. Louis had to beg
them in the car to not fuss over things at the house. There were some
questionable things in the house like the never-disappearing smell of alcohol,
blood stains where there shouldn't be any, cigarette smoke, fireworks, and
shards of glass in places where shards of glass definitely should not be. The
house was an absolute mess and atop of everything that was going on, Louis
didn't need the police prodding everyone else as well.
They held to their word and they didn't make a fuss but they took pictures and
wrote down everything they saw since it can and should be used as evidence. It
probably will be.
Anne was kind enough to offer her home for Louis to crash in until the whole
thing settles and Corden is hoping that by the time the whole thing is over,
they don't even look for a new foster home for Louis since by then he will be
closer to 18 than 17 and staying with someone he trusts more than himself is
probably the best decision out there.
No one was happier about Louis moving in than Harry.
Every day he worked hard on making Louis eat and sleep properly. Both took
loads of work but eventually, Louis settled for a nice and healthy rhythm that
he follows and Harry is the proudest he could ever be because Louis gained a
couple pounds and his cheeks got fuller.
Probably the first thing Harry did was take Louis shopping which was another
thing Louis was accompanied to by police officers who dressed in civil attire
and laid low so they wouldn't be obvious but anyone with eyes and a sense of
focus would notice that they were clearly following around two giggling
teenagers who even went as far as going to Victoria's Secret and pretended to
be models. It didn't help their case when the boys joined them as well and
Niall actually boughtsexy, lacy lingerie and then proceeded to parade in it at
one of their many sleepovers. The sight wasn't the most pleasant thing in the
world but eveyone had a nice laugh.
Anne doesn't approve of Louis and Harry's sleeping arrangement which is Louis
sprawled out on top of Harry in his underwear with Harry underneath him fully
naked. It's how they fell asleep the first night when Louis was officially
moved in and it's how it stayed. Anne doesn't have a pregnancy to worry about
but they understand her worry about them potentially having sex which they
haven't really done yet.
They tried wanking a couple times but it got too triggering for Louis and they
had to stop. Harry kept assuring Louis that it was alright and that he
shouldn't feel guilty for having to stop but Louis couldn't help it so each
time, he forced himself to go longer than he should've, throwing his mind in a
frenzy but by now, Harry has gotten to know when Louis reaches his breaking
point so he's the first to stop it.
Louis is grateful to have Harry in his life.
He's grateful to have everyone else as well but they are sort of a package deal
with Harry so they wouldn't really be in Louis' life had it not been for Harry.
Louis realised only recently that the person he should really be thanking is
Ms. Benson who was the one that set up that first study session that eventually
led to Louis and Harry together being among the best students in the school. He
did thank her mindlessly a few times here and there and although he didn't
specify what he was exactly thanking her for, it was clear she understood what
he meant.
As far as school goes, the boys aren't really allowed to seperate into more
than a pair. They were advised to stay as close as possible by the police and
Corden because all of their names have gotten to be really famous now. Not just
in school but in the town itself. It was odd to people how this random kid who
had gotten raped and abused was suddenly a part of some kind of a witness
protection program. It was odd to them how a kid, a victim of rape and domestic
abuse had made the decision to sue his attacker, aware of consequences, aware
of the trouble that will follow him for the rest of his life because even if
George goes behind bars, he'll be out eventually at which point it's up to
God's will if Louis survives.
Louis is also terribly worried about his former housemates who are still with
him in school and their despise toward him and his boys could be seen from
outer space. They too will face some type of charges, most likely juvenile
detention over the summer.
When asked about his former housemates, Louis couldn't keep quiet about Cara
and her situation and the social system took her away immeadiately since she
wasn't old enough to make decisions on her own. Neither was Louis really but
there's a 10 year age difference between the two so it's not quite the same
thing. Cara had been taken to a foster family who was looking to adopt and from
what Louis hears, they treat her right. They left him a contact number in case
he wanted to do that but he still hasn't got around to it.
Louis wasn't sure if anyone else had been abused but that doesn't matter so
much right now because another family came to take George and Tamara's place at
the house because they were under investigation and clearly deemed incapable of
running an orphanage.
By now, the entire town knows Louis' story and he can't say he's comfortable
with it but there's nothing he can do. The word sort of just spread. At first
he was known as the kid who was found naked outside Wilker'sand then the boy
that was rapedand now they actually know he's just a Louis. But no one, other
than the people close to Louis calls him by his actual name, to the people of
this town he's known as Tommo.And he's alright with that. Keeps at least a
little bit of anonimity.
As March rolls around, Louis can officially admit that he is happy. Nightmares
still come and go, sometimes he can feel George inside him still, sometimes he
imagines he has bruises where there used to always be some and he tries to
scrub them away, sometimes his mind goes blank and body numb and he stays at
home, lay in Harry's bed and doesn't go to school because he can't move and
can't think and on those days he doesn't eat or drink or do anything. He just
lays there with his eyes open wide, mind blank and body numb and his day goes
by without moving a muscle until he's asleep.
But all of that aside, Louis is truly happy. He's never smiled and laughed so
much in his life. He's in a good mood nearly every day and because everyone
knows him by now, Louis barely whispers anymore.
He hears from Alf and Clifford a lot and every time he calls them, they make
sure to wait until he hears their voicemail and then pick up at the last
minute. Their voicemail never stays the same but the concept of it is always
something dirty and inappropriate and where you can hear Clifford talking, you
can hear Alf laughing loudly next to him. Louis truly hopes that's how he and
Harry get to be one day.
As far as he and Harry go, they haven't labeled whatever it is that they have
yet. They know it's big and serious and there's no denying it, especially not
after they've both said I love you.But they haven't felt the need to label it
as anything and box themselves as boyfriends or whatever. They know what they
want and they know they've only got interest in each other and as cute and
endearing as the term boyfriend is, they prefer introducing each other as my
Harryand my Louisbecause that's the truth they know.
And not only that but Louis is a 100% sure that if asked, he'd agree to marry
Harry in an instant and he knows Harry would do the same if Louis was the one
asking. Nothing is set in stone yet but they know each other well enough now to
know they're all they want.
Anne has warned them about the butterflies and the fuzzy feelings fading and
that that's when any relationship comes to the test. When you get past the, as
she put it, "honeymoon phase", that's when you enter real life and real love
and if they make it through that, it's said to last forever. Louis hopes that's
what awaits his forever because he can't imagine forever without Harry. Harry
ishis forever.
With that thought in his mind, Louis lifted his head off Harry's naked chest
and leaned up to kiss him on the lips, having missed doing that since the last
time he did it, last night when they fell asleep.
Harry stirred awake immeadiately and grinned brightly when he stuttered his
eyes open and saw Louis. "Good morning Lou." Harry said, voice hoarse and deep
and Louis felt Harry's previously half hard cock, harden fully against his
thigh and Louis couldn't help blush.
"Good morning to you two as well." Louis said with a cheeky grin and Harry
barked a laugh.
"Speaking of," Harry said increduosly "Where is your other half this morning?
Is he shy again? Do I need to lure him out with my manliness?" Louis couldn't
help laugh at the idiotic tone of Harry's voice and he himself couldn't really
tell why he wasn't hard. Him waking up soft wasn't something common anymore.
Over the course of the past nearly 3 months, Louis has gotten used to waking up
hard nearly every day. Sometimes he truly was shy in that department and no
amount of internal begging was going to get the little fella up on his feet and
working. That's usually when Harry came in with his magical lips that woke him
up. Both of them.
"I think he's just tired." Louis defended his penis and Harry just dimpled
carelessly, his hands naturally coming to cup Louis' asscheeks and wiggle them
around a bit.
"It's Saturday." Harry pointed out and Louis nodded.
"What do you wanna do?" Louis shifted so he was now fully straddling Harry's
lap, making it easier for Harry to cup him but also easier for them to watch
each other.
He shrugged a little shrug "Don't really feel like doing much. Maybe we could
go over to Niall's and play some footie?" Louis suggested shyly, still
difficult to get used to the fact that he had an actual life now and Harry
grinned at him, moving one of his hands to Louis' nape so he could pull him
down for a kiss.
"Sound like a plan." Harry said and flipped them over so he was on top, making
Louis giggle when Harry's cock bounced away freely, all naked and glorious.

***
Louis loved the current weather as he ran around Niall's back yard, playing
football with the boys. They're playing Zayn and Louis against Liam and Niall
and they're not even keeping score which is probably the funnest part.
Harry always plays for a little bit but then he just gets bored of the sport
and goes over to the patio where he sits and admires Louis and his curves.
Harry never fails to mention how in love with Louis' curves he is. He just
loves them a lot and there's no point denying it so he doesn't.
"Boys come down for some pigs in blankets!" Maura yelled from the patio doors
and everyone except for Louis quickly ran down to stuff themselves. Despite
running around for a while, Louis wasn't that hungry. It was an old habbit he
had trouble getting rid of and he'd be damned if Harry didn't notice the mood
swing every single time. For Harry, Louis' an open book.
Louis saw Harry grab a handful from the bowl and he put them on a plate before
jogging down the grass where Louis was sat, somewhere halfway between Niall's
house and ths back fence. "I'm not that hungry." Louis said and kept picking at
the grass, avoiding Harry's eyes with a purpose.
"I know." Harry sighed and sat across him. "I came here to eat in front of you
and make you jealous." Harry dimpled adorably and did just as he'd promised,
taking a rather generous bite of the food that weirdly resembled a cock and
Louis couldn't stop himself imagining. "You okay?" Harry asked and broke Louis
from his thoughts as he came to wipe away some drool that watered down from the
side of Louis' mouth.
"Excellent." Louis answered, his voice cracking embarrassingly and he could see
how hard Harry was trying not to laugh. "Go on then!" Louis scoffed and Harry
did as told, laughing loudly, cooing something before he took Louis' hand and
kissed the back of it.
"I love you." Harry said just then and Louis couldn't help as his heart
swelled, thrice his size.
"I love you too." Just as Louis had said it, Niall was calling for them to go
over there and they did. They followed the boys inside where the TV was on in
the kitchen and the news were on.
"-from the recent police case, a few of Tommo's former housemates have also
come out and said they were abused as well. The investigation is still ongoing,
2 months after Tommo had filed his lawsuit against George McIllie, and the
progress of it is unknown, however, a preliminary hearing has been scheduled at
the court house for March 26th at 11 A.M. which will likely be the first
interaction between our beloved Tommo and his former foster parent.
The girl, Cara, who's situation in this came out very shortly after Tommo's
did, seems to be in hiding with her new foster family, however, sources say she
is in good hands and is treated well. Let's just hope that Tommo has it better
than he did as well."
The news switched to sports and Maura turned the TV off as Louis sat down on a
nearby chair, feeling overwhelmed. He'd known about the hearing but he never
thought of it in that way. He saw it as just a hearing, a legal obligation, not
his first interaction with George in nearly 3 months. Louis was quite confident
in himself for that day but all that confidence vanished and Louis was suddenly
very glad that he hadn't eaten those pigs in blankets because he'd have thrown
them up now if he had.
Harry softly took Louis' hand and crouched in front if him. "It's just a
hearing. Nothing else." Louis knew Harry was lying to him because of how shaky
his voicd was, neither of them saw it like that and Louis doesn't think he can
handle the pressure of it all but somehow, the words of Harry's lies help Louis
calm down. He knows it's a lie but he doesn't care because it's what his mind
needs to hear and he'll take what he can get.
***
"Love you mum!" Harry shouted after his mum as he waved at the quickly passing
car that had officially left the house for the night, Anne and Robin happily
and safely inside it, going off to celebrate some type of anniversary that
wasn't their marriage one but something else, Harry doesn't remember. And he
doesn't really care either because this means he and Louis are now alone until
the morning and that's quite exciting.
Not because of sex or the possibility of it but simply the fact that they're
alone gives a certain dangerous and secretive edge to the night.
Harry understands Louis and his delicate condition and he knows that Louis
isn't ready yet to delve into any sexual activities and he doesn't have to be
because Harry doesn't love him for the sex. It's certainly a bonus but there's
about a billion things that top it on the list of reasons why Harry loves
Louis.
Harry's usually a pretty impatient person but when it comes to his Louis, he
could wait a thousand lifetimes.
Whatever they do tonight, together or alone, it stays with them and no one
else. They can do whatever and it's that free feeling that makes Harry want to
take his clothes and start running around the house naked but he's not a
toddler anymore so that's probably not something people would appreciate. 
Feeling excited now all of a sudden, Harry decided to make a special night out
of tonight. He headed to the kitchen and started rummaging through the
cupboards to see what he had to work with until he finally figured out what he
wanted to make.
Anne hadn't prepared anything for them because she trusts Harry in the kitchen
and even if she didn't, Harry would still rather order take out than have his
mum overwork herself on the day that was special.
Harry wanted tonight to be spontaneous and natural, like any other, but he
wanted the effect of being alone to pay off. It felt like this was a look into
the future. What it's going to be like one day when they get themselves a house
somewhere, waiting a couple years after they're married to have kids and they
have these random nights where Harry prepares them dinner and they cuddle on
the sofa with a movie and fall asleep on each other until Harry wakes up in the
middle of the night and carries his Lou to bed where Louis immeadiately wraps
himself around Harry like a vine.
Harry couldn't help smile to himself and he realised he'd rather have tonight
turn out like that than end in some steamy sexual fantasy that has them both
panting and sweating, both a little louder than usual because they know they're
alone.
*
Louis let out a small yawn and dropped his pencil onto his notebook. It was one
of the ones that Liam had bought him for Christmas/birthday and he liked it a
lot because it had all these cute little fishies. Deciding he was done with
homework, Louis leaned back against his chair and stretched his arms above his
head, experimentally closing his eyes for a moment.
At first, he wasn't able to close his eyes unless he was kissing Harry or Harry
was in deep proximity but over time, he'd experimentally close his eyes and see
if his condition was improving. If he was still seeing George. And for the
first few seconds now, he wasn't. All he saw was pitch black before George's
face started flashing and he quickly snapped his eyes open, refusing to let
himself go there again.
Louis was glad he didn't have to share his story too much since the town seemed
to know bits and pieces already and it's not like it's a topic you bring up in
casual conversations. People who need to know, know the full story and those
who don't probably will after the hearing later this week. He's going to have
to go through it when he's on the stand to testify for himself and he's not as
worried as talking about as much as he's worried about seeing George again.
Everyone already knows it will be a huge trigger so everyone kept the hearing
talk to an absolute minimum, even Wellfare who's job was to talk about it with
his client.
Louis decided he missed being near Harry and stood up to go downstairs. Louis
loves Harry a lot and he physically starts craving his presence after some time
and he'd never be the one to deny himself a little bit of Harry for too long,
knowing he'd be like a hungry lion if he did.
Just as he reached the door, they were pushed open and he quickly took a few
steps back so they wouldn't hit him and he managed to avoid the hit somehow,
glaring at an apologetic Harry who stood before him in an apron and oven mits.
Harry cleared his throat, his blush spreading down his neck "Uhm, wear
something nice and meet me in Robin's study in about 20 minutes." 
"Nice how?" Louis stepped back a little more, feeling a little bit scared now.
Not of Harry but of what the night includes.
Before Louis could react, Harry was kissing his cheek with a wide grin "Nice
like my fluffy hoodie and sweatpants maybe?" Harry suggested innocently and
then just left.
If Harry had an obsession, it was Louis in his clothes. More so in his fluffy
clothes that were hellishly too warm and more often than not left Louis to
either go shower and change or strip to his underwear. Harry didn't mind that
one bit, the little shit.
Now feeling quite excited about Harry's odd request, Louis decided to oblige
and he went over to the wardrobe he and Harry shared. Well, they shared the
area of the wardrobe. They had two chairs next to it as well as a dresser and
they both guessed that was clothes there and not a bomb or something because of
how much of it there was.
Harry tried his best to keep it tidy but Louis would just mess it up again.
Louis doesn't know how it happens every time and he's convinced there's some
kind of whatever there that messes everything up as soon as he turns around.
But until he gathers evidence, he's the guilty one.
Since he was already naked, Louis decided to just take a quick shower. It can't
hurt him to and he needed it as well.
***
It's safe to say Louis was boiling by now and Harry, the bastard, knew it. If
his smug smirk was anything to go by.
"I hate you so much." Louis grumbled as he detached himself from Harry and
stood up, Harry in hysterics on the sofa. "I think I just might dump you you
know." Louis threatened and stripped down to his underwear, instantly shivering
because he was covered in sweat and the air around them was a normal
temperature.
Harry stopped laughing for a bit and watched Louis through hazy, hooded eyes,
bottom lip tucked in between his teeth. "You are just so beautiful." Harry
said, somehow out of breath and Louis blushed fiercly.
"Don't exaggarate like that." Louis mumbled and laid back down on the sofa,
half on top of Harry who immeadiately wrapped a blanket around them both,
keeping Louis warm but not too warm.
Harry kissed Louis' hair "I'm not exaggarating. It's all true." he continued to
kiss Louis' hair, as if to get his point across and Louis just took it in.
Once Louis had showered and got dressed, he went down to Robin's study to meet
Harry who was a bit late but he came down freshly showered and comfortably
dressed and then he made this whole show about this being a very special night
and dinner got too boring too quickly so they pretended they were on an episode
of Take Me Out and they did impressions of the boys as guests which was a whole
lot of fun.
When they stopped acting like children, they got some snacks and went into the
living room where they settled on the sofa to watch some Goggle Box.
Louis must admit that he very much enjoyed tonight. It wasn't that different
from any other night but it was different enough and there wasn't Anne "subtly"
checking up on them every now and again. It was just them and the quiet and
Louis can't lie and say he wouldn't do it again.
"What made you wanna do all this tonight?" Louis asked after they'd been quiet
for a while, pretty sure neither were watching the TV anymore but rather just
thinking.
Harry shrugged "Just wanted to make it special I guess. It's the first night
we're all alone and I guess I wanted to get a feel of what it'd be like one
day." Louis sat up a little at the words, looking down at Harry.
"Hoe often do you think about this 'one day'?" Louis asked quietly and Harry
adjusted him better so he was straddling his hip comfortably.
Harry smiled "Pretty often." Louis didn't say anything, just nodded and moved
so he was actually straddling his lap now.
Louis smiled and leant down to capture Harry's lips. Louis' doesn't think he'll
ever get tired of kissing Harry. There's just so much in every single kiss that
can't possibly let go of. Physically, it just feels good. Their lips fit like
puzzle pieces, their tongues dance together like drops of rain in a puddle and
everything just... Fits.
And as for the emotional side of it, it feels like fireworks. Every single
kiss. It's probably a cliche thing for Louis to think but given how
inexperienced Louis is, this almost makes for a reasonable explaination. 
Louis pulled away and Harry chased his lips but Louis placed two fingers on
Harry's mouth and pushed him back down. When he looked dowm at Harry, he was
met with pure lust and he loved that look on Harry because he was extra clingy
and needy when in the mood where his pupils erased all green.
Harry could probably sense that Louis wanted to say something but was
struggling to find the words do to so and Harry just encouraged with a small
nod while he kissed Louis' fingers.
During one of their not-so-many attempts at wanking together again, Harry had
suggested they try and watch porn, to ease Louis' mind. Louis does not like to
admit it, but it did help. He was rather focused on what was going on and not
much else. It was abit weird when Louis found himself staring at one of the
cocks for too long and it oddly felt like cheating on Harry because of that.
The only cock he should really be staring at is Harry's. Right?
Regardless of that, some things, did, however, spark up Louis' interest. Harry
must've known Louis wouldn't like to see sex, especially not so soon after what
happened and the act was nowhere to be found. They just sort of fooled around
and kissed and wanked and... Something else.
It's the something else that Louis would like to give a go at but he can't
bring himself to say it out loud and he knows he'd just panic for no reason.
Louis sighed as he stared down at Harry and instead of asking Harry to give
this a shot, he just laid himself down on top of Harry's, making sure to not
put too much weight on Harry's chest as to not suffocate him.
"Hey," One of Harry's hands came up to grip at Louis' waist while the other
went straight for Louis' hair. "What's wrong? You looked like wanted to say
something."
"I did." Louis managed to mumble out, leaning into Harry's touch.
"Why didn't you?" Harry asked, voice soft and gentle, encouraging. "Why don't
you?" 
Louis groaned into Harry's neck, hating the effect Harry has on him as well as
the words he can't get out. "I was thinking about that- that time a little bi-
while ago when you suggested we watch..." Louis had to stop himself there
because he knew he couldn't prooceed with the thought, desperately hoping Harry
gathered the idea.
"Oh," was Harry's response after several beats and Louis could feel Harry's
erection filling up in his sweatpants. "Do you want to watch that again or did
you want to try something you saw?"
Louis groaned as a response and burrowed himself deeper into Harry's neck,
pretending he'd missed the way Harry's cock twitched or the way Harry swallowed
thickly.
Harry dared chuckle softly "I'm taking that as the latter option?" when Louis
stayed quiet, Harry gripped him tighter and pulled him closer. "Hey, talk to
me. I know you're all embarrassed now but don't be. It's important for you to
embrace the needs you have. I promise you it's normal and natural. Probably the
most natural thing about humans after breathing."
Louis couldn't help snort at Harry's way of explaining this and when he slowly
lifted his head, he could see Harry was dead serious. Harry took Louis'
development rather very seriously, probably the moment they met but that's all
been amplified ever since Louis moved in and Harry began controlling the way
Louis' body works.
But it never felt like controlling. And Louis doesn't see it as such, ever. He
believes Harry's just getting Louis on track with some basic human habits that
everyone else has but Louis was never taught.
A healthy sleeping and eating pattern probably being first on the list.
Harry stayed quiet then, wordlessly encouraging Louis to voice his needs and as
much as Louis felt like his heart was set on fire and that all the butterflies
inside were running for their lives, Louis made the final decision of taking a
deep breath and, not closing his eyes because he couldn't quite do that yet,
but rather looking away so he didn't have to look at Harry while he said.
"I was thinking about the part where instead of their hands, they, like, used
their, mouths to wank." Louis kept looking at a random painting on the wall
where his vision was focused and Harry's silence was killing him. "Why aren't
you saying anything?" Louis' voice was merely a whisper and Harry stayed silent
even then.
Louis finally turned to look down at Harry who was smiling widely, lust nearly
gone and pride all over Harry's face.
Harry reached up and with his thumbs, wiped away the stray tears that Louis
couldn't control. "There you go." Harry cooed, caressing Louis' cheeks and
Louis just leaned into the touch, melting away at the feel of Harry's softness.
"You want to try that?" Louis couldn't believe he actually nodded at the
question and Harry pulled him down, kissing him softly. "Okay."
"Okay." Louis whispered back and for a while they just kissed, everything else
irrelevant.
*
"So," Louis didn't miss the way Harry trembled with the word and it was the
same as every other time. Harry tried staying calm and collected for Louis but
soon enough, the calmness and confidence would fade away and Harry would be
just as nervous as Louis had been the whole time.
Knowing not much else could be done to ease him a little, Louis pulled Harry's
face down gently and kissed him. "It's alright." being encouraging and
comforting for Louis was a rarity and the stediness of his voice simply sounded
wrong but he didn't let it affect him. This needed to be done. "We're both
nervous aren't we? Let's just freak out together."
Harry laughed gently and shook his head. "No freaking out."
"No freaking out." Louis confirmed with a soft shake of the head and with the
way they both breathed a little more fully, Louis knew that some of the tension
had lifted off, leaving them less nervous and clouded for right now.
Harry cleared his throat "So how do you want to do this?" Harry asked and Louis
blushed, tucking himself into Harry's shoulder.
"You pick." Harry laughed again and kissed Louis' cheek.
"How did you imagine it? When you were thinking about it, how did you see it
happen?" Louis wasn't exactly sure what he meant by it but he guessed it was in
which position did Louis imagine them in. Who was giving and who recieving?
"I was g- getting." Louis stammered a little and he could've sworn his heart
stopped beating for a bit. It probably did.
"There you go." Harry said pridefully and pushed Louis back down so he could
kiss him. "Relax now okay? Can you do that? Can you relax?" Louis took a deep
breath and nodded, earning a sunshine smile that made relaxing worth while.
They'd dealt with the whole consent aspect of it a while ago, all the way back
in the living room when Louis had first brought the topic up and it's like
Harry had a mental bulletpoint check list that Louis needed to pass before
they'd do anything other than kissing.
It's how it always was with Harry, at first it was with kisses as well but
Louis eventually got annoyed with Harry because it's one thing to ask
permission to kiss but it's another when in the middle of a make out session,
you ask permission about 50 times in a row, each time you part lips, it's
anither question.
So Harry had stopped that but he still does it sometimes.
As for anything further than that, Louis might as well take up a consent class
in Harry's school of consensual activities because by the time Louis is done
giving Harry consent, they'd both gone soft and a few years older.
As annoying and as boring as it is given how Louis trusts Harry more than he
trusts himself, Louis appreciates the gesture because it just shows that Harry
truly cares and understands, it shows that Harry would rather be stuck in pain
with a hard dick, comforting Louis than get himself off for the sake of
pleasure. It's an odd turn on that Louis had no idea he had.
Harry smiled a little before he started kissing down Louis' torso. They'd both
fully taken their clothes off when they moved on from the living room and
upstairs to their room. As alone as they are, it would still be really weird if
they did something on the sofa and then people came and sat there and chatted
there, completely oblivious to the fact that Louis had recieved something
apparently known as a blowjob.
Harry's smile deepend with every kiss and Louis knew exactly why. "I know."
Louis sighed dreamily and the giggle Harry let out sent an odd sensation
through Louis' body, especially his fully healed, bruise free chest.
"Never again." Harry whispered but it was like a promise, an oath of sorts. A
vow probably. A vow that Louis would never have bruised torso again, a vow that
Louis would never break another rib, and, while they're at it, a vow that he'd
never be manhandled and raped like that.
"I love you." Louis whispered out, looking down at where Harry has just reached
his belly button.
Harry looked up through his eyelashes "I love you too." and then he placed yet
another wet kiss to Louis' tummy.
Louis let Harry do two rounds of kisses because every kiss was like a promise
on its own. Every kiss felt like Harry was spilling some sort of fairy dust
that would protect Louis from evil but it also felt like Harry was marking his
teritory because Louis doesn't ever want to feel someone else's lips on his
body. 
Harry reached up for one final kiss on the lips before he crawled back down,
placing soft, intimate kisses to Louis' pubic bone where a nice, as Harry calls
it healthy, bush had set up camp and Louis groaned a little, feeling
embarrassed about the fact that Harry was kissing his pubic hair. Has he no
shame at all?
Harry giggled against the hairs and goosebumps overcame Louis' entire body,
momentarily making Louis soften a little. "If you think this is bad, you're
about to lose your mind." it sounded like a threat, a warning. And it should be
scary, it should be intimidating, it should trigger Louis but it didn't. It
can't. Because this is Harry. And the soft, warm tone of it all just sounded
comforting right now.
"I hate you so much." Louis groaned further and Harry just smiled away, knowing
already that Louis couldn't possibly mean those words. Harry crawled further
down and kissed his way back up, his curls tickling Louis' inner thigh.
Finally, after a forever of teasing and kissing Louis in places where he
shouldn't be kissed, Harry curled a fist around Louis', giving his cock a light
squeeze that made Louis shiver.
Harry gave him a few strokes, looking up through his eyelashes and Louis
couldn't stop looking down at him, afraid if he blinked he would miss something
important.
"Okay?" Harry whispered but Louis heard him loud and clear and he took a few
deep breaths, nodding when he felt better.
"Okay."
Louis quite literally screamed when Harry licked up the underside of his cock
and even though there wasn't anyone in the house they could wake up, Harry
still shushed Louis with a smile because they didn't need neighbors knocking on
their door in the middle of Louis', and probably Harry's as well, very first
blowjob.
Harry sucked the head of Louis' cock into his mouth, tentative tongue glazing
beautifully and Louis bit back a very, very loud moan before he reached his
hand up and gripped at the top of the wooden headboard, surprised at his upper
body strength when he was holding himself up far too easily.
It's the point of no return.
Louis believed it was. It had to be. It had to be because Harry had now sunk
down Louis' cock, as far as he could reach, coughing a little when Louis felt
Harry's throat contrict around the head of his cock, the action more than
enough to end Louis right then and there but he didn't let himself do that
because he knew he'd choke Harry that way.
Louis threaded his free hand into Harry's curls and gently pushed down when
Harry spent too long tending to Louis' very sensitive head.
Harry let himself be guided and Louis couldn't hold back tears at how beautiful
Harry looked like that. Mouth spread wide open for Louis, jaw probably aching a
lot because his teeth have yet to make an appearance and just overall the fact
that it was Harry made Louis' heart tie up in knots.
Louis was completely unaware of his moans all up until he felt tension build up
in the pit of his stomach. "I- I'm gonna c- come." he told Harry who pulled
back just in time for Louis' come not to hit the back of his throat and choke
him.
The reason why Louis let go as soon as he felt he was close was because at the
slightest feel of tension, he remembered holding back with George, willing
himself not to come but his body betrayed him twice. Holding back was yet
another trigger and given how amazing the night has been so far, Louis doesn't
want it to end yet, especially not on such a dark and pathetic note.
So he let go and watched in awe as Harry swallowed up all of it, milking Louis
dry and he just let Louis fall out of his mouth with a wet pop, smiling dazedly
as he left a couple kisses on Louis' by now soft cock and crawled back up to
meet Louis.
"Okay?" Louis couldn't find any words but he found the energy to nod and Harry
gently wiped away the tears Louis couldn't control. Harry smiled. "God I am so
fucking proud of you. I- I can't believe you're doing so good so quickly. You
are a force to reckoned with aren't you?" Harry's voice was as always soft and
gentle but he sounded so very proud.
Louis felt like he just walked the moon.
And then it slowly hit him.
This was the first time they'd managed to fully go through with anything since
what happened and Harry was right, it was soon, but it also felt like it's been
ages. It felt like a forever had passed since Louis had a proper, pleasurable
experience in bed.
Annis said that it would probably be easier for Louis than most victims to
bounce back given the trust already founded in his relationship with Harry, the
trust that changed Louis as a person completely. Harry had literally saved
Louis' life because while the rest of Louis was in a frenzy, wanting to and
needing to just shut down or die because of the shock and disgustingness of it
all, his legs carried him to Harry.
And even though he didn't quite reach him, he was there. It was Harry's step
dad that took Louis to the hospital, it was Harry who was there when Louis woke
up. Harry was there when Louis told the story for the first time and the love
only grew.
Annis said that most rape victims don't have people like that in their lives or
if they do, those people are briefly scared of the experience they'd gone
through and it can be stressful, weigh them down further. But Harry didn't pull
back for even a second. He was always there, encouraging and helping and
believing in Louis and even on the days when Louis wanted to take his own life
because memories were too strong for him, Harry was just always there, refusing
to give up even when Louis kicked him repeatedly and tried to force him to give
up because there was nothing in Louis left to believe in.
But Harry never did.
"Shh, everything's alright, you're gonna be okay just don't think it Lou, cry
it out c'mon." when Harry cradled a crying Louis to his chest, he probably
thought Louis had gotten triggered and the guilt was radiating off him in what
felt like flames around him.
Louis turned a little so he could kiss Harry's trembling shoulder "It's not-
Harry it's no- I'm okay." Louis cried and even though Harry's hold on him only
tightened, Louis could feel Harry relax with the word okay. "It didn't- I
didn't think- no, it's just, I- this is the f- first time..."
It took Harry a bit to realise what Louis had meant but once he did, he gripped
Louis impossibly tighter and started kissing his hair. "So fucking proud Lou.
So, so fucking proud."
 
Once Louis had calmed down and manged to stop hiccuping, Harry's hold never
faltering, Louis remembered that Harry still hasn't had release and he pulled
away a little, Harry instantly tracking him with soft, proud eyes.
Louis cleared his throat "Let me do it too." he stammered a bit and his voice
was still hoarse and dry from the tears.
Harry blushed and glanced away "I actually uhm, came already." Louis widened
his eyes and first looked down to where Harry was completely soft, cock coated
in come and then a splotch of come between Louis' knees.
"When?" Louis asked, a little concerned but also kind of disappointed because
he wanted to give Harry what he just gave to him.
Harry blushed again "When you pushed me down like that. It was just so hot I
couldn't hold back."
Louis thinks back to when he gripped at Harry's curls and pushed him down,
guiding Harry's mouth gently and he can faintly remember Harry shaking a bit.
Louis didn't register it at the time, too caught up in pleasure to notice but
now he kind of feels bad for not being able to do it too. 
Harry must've known what Louis was thinking because he smiled softly and pushed
some of Louis' hair away from his sweaty forehead. "You'll get to do it another
time. You're probably exhausted now anyway so maybe we should just sleep."
Harry's voice was always so fucking soft it's actually starting to drive Louis
insane because it had gotten a lot deeper than it was when they met and it just
does things to Louis. Things that make Louis question reality because how is
Harry real? He isn't. And yet Louis gets to hold him and kiss him and love him
and that amazes him. It really does.
"I'm actually not that sleepy but you go ahead." Louis said quietly and Harry's
smile only grew.
"Want to take a shower then? To get you sleepy?" Louis guessed that Harry was
absentmindedly brushing his fingers through Louis' hair and how his other hand
was possessively gripping Louis' hip wasn't intentional but just natural sort
of.
Louis gave a small nod because he actually did need a shower to rinse off the
sweat and smell of sex. It's the smell Louis was never really familiar with,
never smelt it actually, until Christmas morning when he woke up and the whole
room was engufled in it. It's not a bad smell either, it smells a lot like
Harry and sweat in general and while it may not be a bad smell as such, it's a
smell that Louis would rather not have on him in the morning when Anne and
Robin come back. In the morning when he goes to school.
So they went into the shower together and they washed each other, washed each
other's hair, like they always do and like he always does, Louis had the
pleasure of watching Harry close his eyes and bite back moans while he cleaned
his arse.
While some may find it disgusting or whatever, Louis finds it exciting and
quite calming at the same time. He loves seeing Harry happy and although for
the first couple seconds, he looks in pain, the rest seems to be a joyride, if
his tight grip on Louis' shoulder is anything to go by.
They dried each other like they do and brushed their teeth together like they
do and they wrapped around each other like they do when they went to bed and it
was just another night. Another night in the life that Louis still struggles
getting used and probably wouldn't be able to if it weren't for Harry.
If it weren't for Harry, things for Louis would've been a lot different and
he's not even sure he'd be alive today if he hadn't met Harry all those months
ago.
Louis smiled into Harry's shoulder when he remembered how determined he was
that day to not disappoint Ms. Benson and that determination, it turned Louis
around and changed his life forever.
Louis wouldn't have been happy now if he hadn't been so concerned about not
disappointing yet another person.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
End Notes
     Thanks so much for reading. Idk when this will be updated but soon
     enough I promise.
     I'm @thisismeiamz on twitter
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