Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/2568260.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager, Levi_&_Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Hange_Zoë, Erwin_Smith, Petra_Ral, Eld_Jinn,
      Gunther_Schultz, Oluo_Bozado, Eren_Yeager, Moblit_Berner, Jean_Kirstein
  Additional Tags:
      Drug_Addiction, Reincarnation, Soulmates, Drug_Abuse, Very_little_actual
      ereri, mostly_just_implied, Masturbation, Car_Accident
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-11-05 Words: 13492
****** Every Dream I Dream ******
by PlayingChello
Summary
     If I could speak in tongues of flame
     I'd burn forever with your name
     And take it with me through all time
     I would remember who you are
     In every life I'd touch your heart
     In every dream
     -One Dream by October Project
Notes
     So I'm driving to work one morning and listening to October Project
     really intently (I get into lyric analysis when I'm driving) and One
     Dream comes on and I'm listening and thinking, wow that sounds like a
     reincarnation story waiting to happen. And thus, this was born. Uh,
     apologies in advanced? Comments and kudos very very appreciated.
     Thanks to my lovely beta Randompinkbunny9 who I may have broken a
     little bit with this.
     I have a tumblr.
See the end of the work for more notes
I can’t see anything in the storm. My horse is working hard underneath me,
trusting I will lead it safely. But there is nothing safe about running a horse
as fast as it can go through unfamiliar land with monsters that could come out
of nowhere in the rain. But I had to get to him. This could be my only chance.
Then I see the bodies.
And the footsteps.
There must have been four or five of them. And the footsteps are headed back
toward where I came from. They couldn’t handle that many alone.
Shit.
I have to go back.
I slam my heels into my horse’s sides, spurring him back the way we had come,
following the massive footprints. It doesn’t take long before I see them.
Through the torrential downpour I can make out the giants’ odd proportions. But
I am still too far away to do anything, and my squad is in trouble.
I watch him fall from his horse. See the massive hand reaching for him. I see
her rush in, swords brandished, cutting through the huge fingers. She swings
around it, aiming for its neck but missing, slicing through its shoulder. Then
I see her slip, losing her balance and hanging from the cables. I’m still too
far away and I can only watch in horror as a second being approaches with its
sickening smile.
I watch it bite down.
All I can do is try to push my horse on faster. I see him react, and go to
attack. But something is wrong. He isn’t moving. His gear must be broken. The
squad leader makes it to him, but he misses the creature behind him while he’s
giving his orders. He watches his superior be grabbed and shoved into the wide
mouth before it goes for him.
I made the wrong choice.
I scream for him, finally close enough to take action, but he just waves. It
happens so quickly and so slowly. The hand gripping him raises him to its
mouth. I’m already moving, but I’m too late. It bites down before I make it
there.
Blinding rage. Insurmountable fury. That is all I feel while I cut the creature
down and pull his lifeless body from its teeth. I don’t even have time to mourn
before the remaining four monsters are running at me.
--
I woke with my throat scratchy from screaming. It was always like this. I had
two states of being while asleep: peacefully dreamless or this. I always woke
screaming, yelling, sweating, shaking, or some combination thereof. It was
absolutely disgusting.
I didn’t know what the dreams meant, but they were always the same kind of
thing. The same massive giant creatures with questionable anatomy. The same
dark green cloaks with the white and blue wings emblazoned on them. The same
odd maneuvering equipment which allowed me to fly through the air. The same
pervading theme of death.
My dreams stunk. They actually smelled. And the smell lingered in my nostrils
for hours. Now I could smell wet grass, the copper tang of blood, and the
horrendous stench of death. That one was the worst. And it was the same every
time. Nothing kept the smell away, and nothing could let me forget it.
I rolled my head to the side, wincing at the headache permeating my brain. The
bedside clock read 0358. I groaned. That was another thing about these dreams.
I always woke up in the middle of the night. I always felt like someone had
just taken a huge shit on and in me. And I could never get back to sleep
afterwards. No matter how long I laid there or how many things I tried. I was
doomed to remain awake. And since I had a tendency to stay up well past
midnight, it usually meant I only had a couple hours of sleep those nights.
This time was no exception, I’d fallen asleep sometime around one in the
morning, leaving me with barely three hours of fitful rest.
I let out another frustrated groan, throwing my arm across my face. I spent a
few moments in silence, feeling my head pulsing with the headache, before I
forced my exhausted body up and out of bed. The only thing that made me feel
remotely better after one of my dreams was a shower. A nice, long, hot shower.
I stumbled across my bedroom, throwing the door open. My eyes took a while
adjusting to the dark, still fighting to close them. I knew the small apartment
well, though, so it wasn’t too hard to find the door to the bathroom and flip
on the light. I blinked several times, eyes hurting from the momentarily
blinding light, before turning the water on. While the shower warmed up, I
peeled off my boxers, damp from sweat, and glanced at myself in the mirror.
The bags under my eyes were much darker lately. The dreams were more frequent,
coming every few nights rather than every few weeks. I can’t remember the last
time I went more than a month without waking up in a similar state as this. I
dragged my hands through my hair, this was getting fucking ridiculous. There’s
no way I can keep this up, continue surviving like this. I needed sleep. I
needed to be able to get more than a couple hours rest. Maybe I should get some
heavy drugs. Antidepressants are supposed to knock you out pretty well.
When the mirror started fogging over, I finally stepped into the shower. The
water stung my skin, burned a path and started leaving me red and raw. I just
stood there, letting the scalding water work it’s way over my body, letting the
heat seep into my muscles and help assuage the lingering chill from the rain of
the dream.
I didn’t tell anyone about my dreams. Not even Hanji and Erwin. Mostly because
they’ve been in them. While it’s not particularly uncommon for people to dream
of other people in their lives, I think the nature of my dreams would terrify a
normal person. And, in Hanji’s case, interest them far too much.
I probably should tell Hanji. They’d no doubt have some wild theory as to what
it all meant. And maybe even how to stop it. Or at least cut back on the
frequency of them. But I just couldn’t do it. The dreams felt so real, so true,
that I couldn’t tell my friends about them. I wouldn’t be able to look at them
the same and they’d worry. Their eyes would show it too clearly and I wouldn’t
be able to stand it. I barely had friends as it were, I didn’t need to push the
ones I did have away. And that’s what telling them would mean.
“Shit.” In my musings, I hadn’t noticed that I had barely moved, and the water
and burned my back. I turned the knob, halting the flow of liquid and stepped
out. The whole room was a haze of steam, making it somewhat difficult to see in
the small space.
After drying off and navigating my dark apartment again for a fresh pair of
sweatpants, I looked at the clock again. It was still only quarter to five. I
made myself some tea and toast, still trying to fend off the stench of the
dream. When finished, I decided that I may as well just head in to work and try
and be productive with the extra time.
--
“You look like shit.”
“Thank you, Erwin, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear first thing when people
start showing up. I appreciate it.” I laced my words with every ounce of
sarcasm I could muster. Little sleep and the faint lingering smell of death did
not improve my already awful personality. It was a wonder I had any friends at
all.
“I aim to please.” He would pretend not to notice my sarcasm, “How long have
you been here?”
My eyes flick to the clock on the computer screen: 0806. “Two and a half
hours.”
He spun my chair around, forcing me to face him, “Levi, do you sleep at all.
Why were you here so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Figured I’d come in and get work done. No one else seems to be
doing any.” I glared pointedly at him.
“I just got here. You need to slow down though. When did you leave last night?”
I draw my lips tight, not wanting to answer. I knew he’d just worry. “Late.”
“How late?” Until now, Erwin had remained playful and a bit concerned, but now
his features were entirely serious. I hated how he could do that.
“Ten? Eleven? I honestly don’t really know.” He stared at me a moment,
evaluating. His blue eyes had this calculating way about them. It was so clear
that he was constantly analysing the people around him. I was no exception.
“This is the fourth time this month you’ve come in early, and it’s only the
tenth. Go home. Take the day off. Won’t even count against you, you’ve got
plenty of hours banked. Get some sleep.”
“I told you, can’t sleep. Might as well work.”
“You look dead on your feet. Even if you don’t sleep, watch a movie or
something. You’d likely make more mistakes than not right now. Just get some
rest.”
We stared at each other in challenge. Sometimes I hated having my best friend
as my boss. Actually, I always hated it. Why did I even work there? “Fine.”
I got up and walked out, leaving Erwin in my office.
On my way out, Hanji saw me, “Where are you going?”
“Home, apparently. Erwin won’t let me stay.”
“Maybe you should detour to a doctor, too. You look like hell.”
I glare at them. “Why does everyone think that’s what I want to hear from
them?”
“It’s just because we care!”
“Tch.” I left them clutching their coffee mug, walking out of the building
before they could try to talk more.
As I was walking to my car, I reflected on their advice. Maybe I should see a
doctor. If for no other reason than to get some strong as shit drugs. Then
maybe I really could get some sleep. I sure as fuck needed it.
Decided, I got into the car and drove toward urgent care.
--
“So are you having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?” The doctor was a
man older than me, with long hair and a pair of weird ass John Lennon glasses.
“Both, I guess.”
“Any history of drug or alcohol abuse in you or your family?”
“No.”
“History of depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts?”
“No.”
“How about kidney, liver, or lung disease?”
“No, but I do smoke.”
“Do you take any medications.”
“No.”
The man wrote on his clipboard for a moment. Finally, he looked back up at me,
“Well, I’m going to go ahead and call this insomnia. Have you ever taken any
benzodiazepines before?” I shook my head. “I’m going to prescribe you 15mg of
Temazepam. It’s a seven day course. Pay attention to the instructions on the
bottle, it can cause major dependency, but it’s also quite effective. Make sure
you have plenty of time to sleep though, as it will stay in your system for a
long time and could cause residual drowsiness in the morning. And don’t drink
alcohol with it.”
He signed the prescription and handed it to me.
--
The rest of the day was impeccably boring. I really wish Erwin hadn’t sent me
home, as I had nothing to do there. I ended up lounging on the couch switching
between reading and watching random videos on Netflix. Around lunch time, Erwin
called to check in. I grumbled at him until he left me alone.
Hanji showed up at seven.
The frantic, repetitive knocking made it through my concentration in my book. I
tried to will it away, but the banging continued. I knew they wouldn’t leave,
or stop the incessant knocking, until I at least opened the door, so I dragged
myself off the couch to do so.
“Levi! How are you doing?”
“Well I was supposed to be getting rest, but that’s fucking impossible with a
four-eyed monster banging my door down.” They wave me off, pushing past me and
into my apartment. “You know, usually it’s polite to wait to be invited into
someone’s home.”
“Oh hush you. You wouldn’t have ever let me in if I waited for that.”
“That was the point.”
“Levi!” They started rummaging in the kitchen, probably making a mess of my
dishes in order to make themselves tea. “Anyway,” they shouted, “I just came by
to see how you are. Did you get any sleep?”
“Stop yelling, I’m right here. And no, I didn’t.”
“You should get some sleep early then. Did you see a doctor? Erwin’s worried.
Why aren’t you sleeping?”
Leave it to Hanji to ramble until the point of their talking is totally lost.
However, the multiple questions made it easy to avoid the question I
desperately did not want to answer. “Yeah, got a prescription. I was going to
take advantage of it shortly, but a certain someone felt the need to disturb my
solitude.”
“Ooo, what did you get?”
“Temazepam. Why?”
“For science!”
“Erwin needs to limit your lab time.”
They gasp, “Perish the thought!”
“You know what, you’re right. Stay in the lab. At least there, you can’t make a
mess of my office. Or my apartment. Why are you still here?”
“I haven’t finished my tea. Why are you so rude?” They wined.
“Finish your fucking tea and leave.”
“Awwww, fine. Let me just finish this up.” They knocked their head back,
swallowing the tea in a few large gulps.
“At least put that in the sink, I know you sure as hell aren’t going to wash
it.”
They comply, barely. Then they came over to the couch, where I had returned,
and leaned over the back, kissing the top of my head. “Gross. Get the fuck out,
shitty-glasses!”
“Bye, Levi. Sleep tight!” And they were gone.
I cleaned the mug Hanji left behind and continued reading for another hour
before locating the small bag from the pharmacy containing my prescription.
After reading through the provided literature, I swallowed one of the capsules
and went to lay down and hope sleep came and stayed.
--
I am just about to take off again when Erwin stops me, telling me to refill my
gas and replace my blades. I almost argue, but there is no point. Erwin
probably knows something. He is always steps ahead of everyone else.
This mission is quickly becoming a disaster. The target had managed to get
herself eaten. The bitch.
That’s when I see it.
Or rather, him.
Gunther.
I keep moving. There is nothing left to do for him. But when I find the rest of
them, I stop. These were people I cared about. I had just left them. And now
they are dead. But it’s Petra that really draws my attention. Her body bent
back unnaturally.
Someone was missing.
Then I hear it.
The wild scream. The reverberation on the trees around me. With a last look to
my fallen squad, I take off again. I have to find him. Something is wrong.
I see them as the female is swallowing him. And then I see the girl. She’s
chasing it. The target. The female form giant. She’s trying to cut it down, but
it’s defenses are stopping her. She manages to stop it, but she can’t kill it.
Then it rounds on her and sprints away again. It’s now that I’m able to reach
her, push her off course, slow her down.
“It looks like it bit right through him. Are you sure he’s alive?”
Her eyes set, fiercely determined. It reminds me of him.
“If she wanted to kill him, she would have crushed him. She put him in her
mouth. He’s alive.” I truly hope she is correct. We follow at a distance for a
bit and formulate a plan, then it begins. I speed forward, waiting for the
perfect moment. Then it strikes and I spin, cutting the length of its arm. I
continue slicing, anywhere I can reach, as fast as possible. Faster than it can
bring up its defenses.
But the girl sees it drop its guard, and tries to go for the opening, despite
my orders. She latches on and I catch her just before its hand raises, trying
to kill her. I knock her out of the way and land on the raised hand, my ankle
giving out and snapping painfully. I don’t have time for the pain, though. I go
for it’s jaw, cutting it open and releasing the boy. I grab him and get out of
the way, landing in a nearby tree.
He’s a mess, but he seems to be alright and alive. I check him over. I want
nothing more than to get this disgusting stuff off him. To call his name, to
stroke his hair.
--
The jarring blare of my alarm woke me. I slept through the night, despite
having one of my bizarre dreams. That’s never happened before. I sat up and
swung my legs over the edge of the bed and immediately gasp. The pain from the
dream, my hurt ankle. It felt like it had actually happened. I threw aside the
thin blanket I had been sleeping under. The ankle looked fine. There wasn’t any
bruising or bones that looked to be out of place. But it hurt like a bitch. I
tried rotating it experimentally, only to have the pain shoot up my leg again.
I reached over to the nightstand where my phone was laying. I sent a text to
Erwin, telling him I would be late, then flopped back on the bed, keeping my
foot as still as possible. I’d never been hurt in my dreams before, so this
lingering pain was an entirely new experience. But I hoped that, like the
smell, it would fade before too long.
There were a lot of familiar people in that dream. People I work with. Erwin,
of course. But Gunther, Auruo, Erd, and Petra. My team at work were there. And
dead. I almost didn’t want to go in today, afraid to face them. Afraid for them
to see how I would look at them. I’d become excellent at hiding my emotions
behind a flat expression, but these were people I worked with closely. They
could still read me. And I definitely did not want them to see the pain I’d be
sure to look at them with. I had seen their corpses, littered in the trees.
Decimated by a giant after a boy.
The boy.
Who the fuck was he?
He was important. That much was clear. And the girl was very close to him. She
was emotionally compromised, which made her make mistakes. It caused me to get
hurt. But for the life of me, I could not place either one of them.
I seemed to really care about him. He was special.
I almost wanted to take another pill. To sleep the day away. Dream again. Just
to see if I could find out who he is. I had this overwhelming need to figure it
out. I had to know.
But the smell was beginning to fade. I tested my ankle, and the pain was still
there, but bearable. I sat back up, leaning forward slowly, putting more and
more weight on the foot. I winced, but it was manageable and I stood.
Getting ready was difficult at first, but it got easier as the sting slowly
melted back into my dream. The smell faded sooner today, as well. Either those
drugs are fucking magic or this particular dream just was less detrimental to
my awake self. Though I don’t think I’d say that. Seeing my friends dead was
pretty fucking awful.
When I finally walked into the office, Erwin was walking down the hall and
greeted me.
“Levi, you’re looking much better today.”
“Shove off, Erwin. I have work to do.” I really didn’t mind him, I just wasn’t
in the mood for talking and I’m less than subtle about it. He knew this.
“Board meeting slides are due by the end of the day.” I grunted a response and
continued to my office.
Shortly after settling and pulling up the slides I was working on for the board
meeting Erwin mentioned, Erd knocked at my door. I looked up at him and had to
make a conscious effort not to look at him in sympathy or pity or fucking
horror. I couldn’t get the image of his body out of my head while he spoke.
“Nifa sent in a bunch of new samples.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, already overwhelmed with the work that I feel
I missed the previous day. “Can you have Gunther do them? I need to get these
slides finished.”
“No problem, boss.” He left, undoubtably to find Gunther. I returned to my
computer screen.
Hours passed and I didn’t even notice. Petra had to drag me out for lunch,
which I still took late. Every time one of the people from my group would stop
by I’d have to harden my expression. I’m sure they noticed, but no one said
anything and for that I was grateful. At six, Hanji came in.
“Big boss man says you are not to stay passed six thirty.”
“Erwin can go fuck himself. His slides aren’t the only thing I needed to get
done today.”
“Levi, I know you basically live here, but you need to get some rest in
occasionally. We only care about your wellbeing.”
I turned to glance at them. “Fine. I’ll finish up this report, then I’m
leaving.”
They clapped, “Great! I’ll be by before I leave to make sure you’re actually
leaving.”
I waved my hand back at them, hoping they’d just leave. It must have worked,
because silence followed. I finished the last of the formatting for the
pictures in the report I was working on, then began writing the conclusions.
Just before I heard Hanji’s footsteps approaching again, I finished and emailed
it out. They were rounding the corner and peeking around my door as I was
shutting down my computer. I grabbed my things and turned off the light,
thankful that they chose to stay silent. We left together, parting in the
parking lot to climb in our cars.
Getting home at seven was nearly unheard of for me these days, so I didn’t even
know what to do with myself. I tossed some leftovers in the microwave and went
about changing out of my work clothes. My food was uninspiring and nothing
interesting was on television. By eight, I was twitching in my seat, bored and
antsy. I glanced over to the coffee table where my prescription bottle was
sitting.
That morning I was almost looking forward to going back to sleep, just to find
out who the boy was. But now I wasn’t so sure. I still had this inexplicable
desire to learn more about the mysterious boy for whom I seemed to care so
deeply for in my dreams, that hadn’t changed. But I wasn’t looking forward to
the dreams themselves. Even though I was able to sleep through the night, last
night’s dream had been a far cry from pleasant.
After a little deliberation, I took one of the pills and got ready for bed. By
the time I had showered the day’s filth away, I was drowsy. When I finally laid
down, my eyes shut heavily. Within moments, I was asleep.
--
The crystal is strangely beautiful. It’s facets reflect even the poor
candlelight of the basement dungeon. Inside resides the traitor, the child that
had destroyed so many lives, my squad among them. Hanji stands next to me,
practically buzzing. I can almost hear the gears turning, trying to work out
how to break through to the girl inside the crystal.
“I’m going to check on him.”
Hanji makes a noncommittal noise to indicate they heard me before I walk out of
the room. I walk slowly through the dank halls. The place could use another
several cleanings, but there are more important things to worry about for now.
Like the boy.
I lean against the doorframe to the small room, trying not to disturb the girl
watching over him sleep. But after a moment, knowing she wouldn’t leave, I
clear my throat. Her head spins to me and I push off the frame, approaching the
bed.
“Go get some food and some sleep.” She looks like she’s going to argue, “That’s
an order.”
She glares at me, but moves to obey. “Take care of him.”
I only nod absently, staring at the sleeping boy. She closes the door behind
her, and it isn’t until I hear the soft click of the latch that I sit down on
the bed, next to his form. I reach my hand over, brushing a stray strand of
hair from his forehead. I feel my eyes soften and my lips turn up. He looks so
peaceful. I want nothing more than for him to always have this expression. To
never have to show the outrageous anger he wears like a second skin. To never
see tears of pain fall from his beautiful eyes. To never have him fear for his
life or the lives of those he loves.
He makes a small sound as he stirs, waking. He leans into the hand I still have
brushing through his hair before cracking his eyes open. “Captain Levi? What
are you doing here?”
“You know damn well what I’m doing here, kid.”
He smiles and it is spectacular. I can’t help but mirror the expression. His
hand comes up and covers mine in his hair, pulling it down to lay over his
chest. I can feel his heartbeat, strong and regular. It’s just like any other
person’s heart, nothing to indicate the power he holds within himself. My hand
brushes the smooth, cold metal of the key hanging around his neck.
“How are you feeling?”
“Great. It’s as if nothing even happened.”
I absently flatten my hand against his chest and move it down to his abdomen
where he had been impaled the previous day. Nothing but the smooth, taut skin
of a soldier remains. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to your freakish
healing.”
He moves his arm and sits up, pushing the blanket he had been sleeping under
away. He moves over, too, motioning for me to join him. I comply, and turn so I
sit alongside him, legs crossed. I wince briefly when my ankle turns in an
uncomfortable way, but the pain passes. He leans into me and let’s his head
fall on top of mine. My fingers find his.
“How did you manage to convince her to leave?”
“Ordered her to get food and sleep. She’s been in here non-stop since we
brought you back.”
He hums and turns his head so his nose is buried in my hair. I sit there,
fingers playing with his, while he inhales. It amazes me still that he is so
completely unscathed after being impaled, thrown around, and locked in a fierce
battle with the traitor. I keep running my eyes over him, checking to confirm
he’s still intact, even though I know he is. Even if he weren’t, the steam
would heal him quickly enough. It grew back limbs and stitched together skin.
I feel his breath on the shell of my ear, “Levi.”
The sound of my name, removed of my title, sends a delicious shiver up my
spine. The hand I had been holding pulls away, only to settle on my thigh. I
turn my head and am met with soft lips crushing into mine. I return the kiss
while he rolls over top of me. I love the way his body fits over mine, pressing
into me, connecting us as if we are one body. His hands roam, always moving,
while mine settle on his hips, supporting some of his weight.
One of his hands travels up to my neck, caressing the exposed skin before
pulling at my cravat.
--
A problem I hadn’t had since my teenage years greeted me that morning. I threw
the covers aside and glared down at the traitorous appendage tenting my
sweatpants. I sighed, dragging my hands down my face while I tried to decide
what to do about my problem. One, I couldn’t very well do anything in the state
I was in, but since it was Saturday, there was no issue with me simply staying
in bed. Two, unlike when I was a teenager and woke up with a hard on for no
reason, I was extraordinarily horny. And three, I still don’t know who the
fucking kid in my dreams that caused all of this is.
I dropped my head back down on my pillow, trying to will away the need to touch
myself. I thought of the boy from my dreams. I could still taste the sweetness
of his tongue on mine, feel the weight of his body pressing down on me. Before
I realised it, my hand had traveled down to my waistband and dipped below it. I
caught myself, groaned in defeat, then continued while remembering the sound of
my name on full lips and the feel of his hands caressing my body. I imagined
staring into brilliantly green eyes while my thumb smeared the already leaking
precome over the head. My eyes rolled back while I began pumping my hand in a
steady rhythm. My mind tried to bring back the dream, and for the first time, I
didn’t smell death. I smelled grass, cheap soap, and something feral. The
scents helped the intoxicating feeling and made it easier to imagine his hands
bringing me pleasure. The still lingering feeling of his body against mine made
the fantasy easier to believe. My hand twisted on its way up my shaft, and it
was easier to feel his hand teasing the slit.
At some point I had pushed the sweatpants down my hips, freeing my cock and
giving my hand more room to move. The room melted away, my mind supplying
details of the little room from the dream. I could taste the tang of sweat,
feel the sweep of messy brown locks brushing my cheek. With my mind so
completely consumed, it didn’t take long before I was trying to hold back
stuttering moans while my stomach clenched. Then, all at once, it was over.
With the mess of come on my stomach came a complete blanking of my mind. There
was no more lingering scent from the dream, no more pressure across my body,
only the stale scent of sex as I panted from the powerful orgasm.
When my heart rate had finally settled into something bordering normal, I
carefully removed myself from the bed, trying my hardest not to spread the mess
I had made to my sheets. While I peeled away my clothing and showered, I
briefly considered the medication, wanting so much to return to the dream
world. Not necessarily to continue where it left off, though at this point I’m
not sure I could convince myself to complain, but instead to learn about the
boy. I still didn’t know who he was. I only knew he was important, not only to
me but to everyone in some way or another, and that he apparently had some
unnatural healing ability.
Finally clean again, I stepped out thinking about the logistics of supernatural
healing. As far as I knew, such a thing didn’t exist. But that was far from my
area of expertise or interest until now. Maybe Hanji would know, I’d have to
ask them.
While I was brewing myself some tea, I checked my phone. I had one message and
a missed call from Hanji from an hour before. My finger tapped their contact
and pressed send.
“Levi! How’d you sleep?”
“Fine. I have a question.”
“Ooo, question? I love questions. What’s your question?”
“You know how lizards and shit have the ability to grow back their tails after
they’ve lost them?”
They sucked in an excited breath. I was already regretting the choice to ask
them. “Yes, of course! It’s a fascinating phenomenon of self-rege—”
“Hanji,” I cut them off, “I don’t care about gross lizards.That wasn’t the
question.”
They were silent a moment, probably trying to wait for me to continue. “Then
what is the question?” they prompted.
“Have you ever heard of a human being able to do that?”
“What, regenerate limbs? Well the theory exists, and there have been
experiments with rodents, but no. I’ve never heard of a human self-
regenerating. Why?” They drag the word out with a hint of suspicion.
If there was ever a reason not to ask them about this, this was it. What could
I even tell them? I certainly couldn’t say there was some weird kid suddenly
appearing in my dreams that seemed to be able to do just that. Not only would
that mean telling them about my dreams, but they’d brush it off as being a
figment of my drug-infused imagination. And while I couldn’t say that I
necessarily disagreed, the fact remained that most of the people in my dreams
actually exist. And I’ve dreamt about many of them before I ever met them in
real life.
I realised I had let the silence stretch on for a considerably long time. “I
don’t need to explain myself to you.”
“Leeeviiii,” they whined my name at a painful pitch. I winced at the sound, “I
always want to know why you ask interesting questions!”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“No, wait! Moblit and I are doing lunch later, would you join us?”
“I’m not going to be a third wheel on your date.”
“It’s not a date! We can invite Erwin, too.”
I groaned. “Yes, because having my boss and ex there makes it not a date. No
thank you.”
“You’re no fun,” they huffed through the phone and I could hear their pout.
“Never claimed to be. Goodbye.” I barely heard their hurried goodbye as I
pulled the phone away from my ear and tapped the end icon. I reached over to my
mug to take a sip of tea only to find it had cooled. Fucking gross.
--
The next several days were much the same. During the day, I tried to keep
myself occupied, usually with cleaning or with work. Each night, I took a pill
and was sent to my dream world with the mysterious boy. Sometimes it was like
the first one, filled with flying, blood, death, and monsters. Other times, the
dreams were messier, the air warmer, skin on skin. And while I detested the
state of my sheets those mornings, I much prefered those dreams. But no matter
which kind of dream, I never learned the boy’s name. It was as if my mind knew
that was what I wanted most.
On Thursday night, I was staring down an empty pill bottle.
I’m not sure how long I spent looking into the empty bottle, but it was longer
than necessary. I sighed, knowing that the prescription had been short term in
an attempt to regulate my sleeping so that my body could take care of it in the
end. If I still had trouble sleeping, I could always go back and see if they’d
give me more or something else.
It took me an extra two hours to fall asleep that night.
--
The stench of blood is unbearable.
I’m pulling on elbow length gloves over my shirt. If I’m going to participate
in the grisly act of torture, I’d rather not get the disgusting blood all over
myself. The man in the chair is already yelling, making more of a racket than I
care to hear. Hanji is here with me, wielding a pair of pliers. They seem to be
enjoying the prospect of torturing another person a bit too much. They probably
are taking mental notes at every scream emanating from the man as they yank at
his fingernails.
Once the nails have all been removed, I take over for a bit. My brand of
torture is more blunt. I feel my fist landing on his jaw sends about the right
message. Soon, though, Hanji approaches again, holding out a pate with each of
the nails arranged neatly in order.
When asked about his torture experience, the man proudly tells us about the
exploits of his group, and claims that everything he has done has been for the
protection of the people. I’m not much in the mood to hear his shit. His nose
breaks easily under my fingers. Now we can start asking what we want to know.
“What is the Reiss family?”
He begins sputtering some nonsense. Words that mean nothing. And Hanji is the
one who get’s fed up this time. They reach into his mouth while he tries to
answer, claiming his answer took too long, and search around before they pull
out a tooth from the back of his mouth. I warn them not to pull too many, as we
still need him to be able to speak.
Then it begins.
His rambling turns to ranting. He accuses us of enjoying it, tries to relate
with us. Insists inflicting pain gets us off. Tries to justify torture for the
sake of justice. He whines that he isn’t afraid, that he has the king behind
him, that he’s protected the king, that he believes in him. Then he breaks
down. His voice breaks and softens, tapering into a pitiful whine when he tells
us to torture him to death. It is now we choose to take a break.
The break is for the benefit of our captive, and not for us. We leave to bring
passed his comrade, planned carefully so he will hear that his brother in arms,
someone who is supposedly as convicted as he, has already given up the
information we seek,
The next morning he gives us all the information we need.
“The Reiss family… Is the true royal family..”
--
For the first time in over a week I woke up covered in a layer of sweat,
breathing hard. There was a painful pounding in my head and the smell of blood
and grime clogged my nose. I sat up, but moments later I threw myself off the
bed and ran to the bathroom. I banged my shoulder into the bedroom door frame
on my way. The moment the lid of the toilet was lifted, I emptied whatever
remained in my stomach. When there was nothing left to expel, my body continued
convulsing, occasionally bringing up bile. It took a long time, but eventually
the convulsions ceased, and I sat down on the tile floor and leaned back into
the wall. Every now and then I felt my abdomen clench and leaned forward, in
fear I would begin retching again, but it never came.
What in the living fuck was that? I briefly thought back to the dream, but when
the picture started flashing across the insides of my eyelids as vivid as if I
were dreaming again, I willed the thoughts away. Instead, I pretended it was
someone else, if for no other reason than to sort through what it was I saw.
Torture. Who does that? Why would anyone do that? Well, apparently in
dreamworld Hanji and I must have had a pretty good fucking reason. Apparently
it had something to do with that Reiss family. I didn’t know any Reiss family,
but that’s hardly a surprise. And even so, what the fuck? Hanji pulled his
goddamn fingernails out. I broke his nose like it was nothing
What the fuck!
I was going to be sick again…
Several minutes of dry heaving later, I returned to my position heaped against
the wall on the floor. It’s a good thing I just cleaned this bathroom last
night, otherwise I’d be considerably more grossed out than I already was. I
couldn’t even say grossed out, I was positively disgusted with myself.
Completely disregarding whether these dreams meant something, were real in some
way, or were simply just my fucked up subconscious, I couldn’t bring myself to
believe I would ever willingly participate in the torture of another person.
Even if I didn’t enjoy it, which it didn’t seem was the case. Although I had a
lingering feeling that the man got what was coming to him.
A faint buzzing permeated my thoughts. It took a moment for me to realise I was
hearing my phone vibrating on my bedside table in the other room. I slowly
picked myself up and brushed nonexistent dirt from myself. My phone had stopped
buzzing by the time I reached it and was glowing with a faint light. The clock
blared at me, 0325. Fantastic. I swiped the screen and was met with several
text messages from Hanji. And they yelled at me for not sleeping. Judging by
the content of the messages, they were very drunk and trying to rehash the
lizard thing from a week ago. The last message was clearly from Moblit, after
having taken Hanji’s phone from them. It was much more coherent and apologetic
for bothering me so late. I sighed and didn’t bother responding to any of the
messages.
Three thirty in the morning was a little ridiculous to go into the office, even
by my standards. Instead, I located the tablet I had connected to the network
and decided to work on some reports and data analysis. I really just wanted
something to keep my mind away from the disturbing dream. Three hours later I
had finished one report and started extracting data for the next. When I
noticed the time, I sent a quick text to Erwin, indicating I’d be in a little
late, then went back to it.
At eight I left. I found myself back at the same urgent care clinic with the
same doctor. Still didn’t remember his name. Sounded German. I stopped caring.
“Ah, you’re back. How did the medication work for you?”
“Seemed to do just fine, but I still can’t sleep now that it’s gone.”
He hummed thoughtfully, glancing through what I assumed was my chart. “Well,
the fact that you are still having issues sleeping indicates an underlying
problem which cannot be treated with simple sleep medication. I can put you on
the temazepam for one more seven day course, but you should look into seeing a
psychiatrist for a better look into what may be causing the insomnia.”
Fat chance of that. I’d seen psychologists, psychiatrists, and crackpots alike.
I had no desire to ever speak to another shrink again. Best case scenario,
they’d give me some drugs and send me on my way, and worse case they’d try to
have me committed. I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Still, I nodded to the
good doctor, and watched him write another prescription.
I managed to make it through the work day without being harassed by Erwin or
Hanji about the circles under my eyes. Maybe they hadn’t noticed, it had only
been one night, after all. More likely, though, they just had enough self-
preservation to not be yelled at by me if they brought it up. I probably
placated them additionally by actually leaving at a relatively normal hour as
well. Erwin almost tried to engage me in conversation on my way out, but I
brushed him off and hurried home. I know they care, but it’s just not in
anyone’s best interest for me to share my problems.
Come ten that night, I was curled up on the couch, participating in a pointless
staring contest with the little orange bottle holding the seven pills. I was
admittedly and understandably apprehensive about trying to go to sleep that
night. Up to this point, I had not had a problem when I took the pills. I still
dreamt, but I slept through the night. The pills did not, however, keep my
dreams from being violent, though sometimes they weren’t. The torture I was
involuntarily witness (participant?) to the night before had definitely shaken
me. Who’s to say that a similar dream wouldn’t plague me this night?
Eventually, I convinced myself I was being a complete and utter dumb shit and
tossed a pill to the back of my throat and swallowed it with cold tea and a
grimace. I went about cleaning up and getting ready for bed. Sleep came not
long after I finally laid down.
--
I’m sitting at my desk, doing the mound of paper work that had accumulated over
the last few weeks. The sheer volume of reports to be read and signed and the
ration acquisitions to be signed is ridiculous and I’m still not sure why
exactly I ended up with all of this.
A knock at my door brings a welcome distraction. “Yes?”
The opens slowly and a head topped with messy brown hair peaks in, “Captain?”
“Come in.” I set down the report I am trying to read as the young soldier
enters slowly. “Stop being so tentative. You are allowed to be in here. Close
the door behind you.”
The boy does as he’s told. When he turns back from the door, facing me, he
salutes. “Squad Leader Hanji’s finished with me, sir. They said you’d like to
see me?”
“Calm down. We’re alone, no need for all the formalities. How did the
experiments go?” He relaxes, arms at his sides and steps forward a bit, coming
closer to my desk.
“Hanji seemed pleased, but when are they not?” He chuckles and the sound is
pleasant in my ears. I can feel the faint pull of my lips, but I suppress the
smile. I watch while he quiets and then fidgets, probably uncomfortable with
the silence and my blatant staring. “Um…”
I smirk, “You can sit down.” I gesture to the couch against the wall. He
glances over to it, back to me, then back to the couch, before he goes and sits
on the edge, clearly uncomfortable. I return the the report I had been reading
when he came in. I can practically feel the nervous energy coming off of him in
waves. Without looking up from the report I’m only pretending to read, I ask,
“What are you so constipated about?”
“I-I’m not, sir.”
I glance over to him, “Don’t lie, you’re obviously worked about about
something. You’re tense and barely contained.”
He looks down at his hands twisting in his lap, then he clenches his fists and
looks up at me, full of bravado and determination, “I just… Well I look up to
you a lot, and… It’s- I- I just-” I continue looking at him, waiting for him to
get his thoughts together, “I really like you and it makes me nervous to be
around you.” My eyebrows shoot up. This is not new information. I knew he has a
hero complex for me. I didn’t expect him to admit it though.
“You continue to surprise me.”
“Sir?”
“How many times, brat? Just Levi when we’re alone.”
Yes, si-Levi. Um, how did I surprise you?” I almost laugh at how piss scared he
looks. Almost.
“It’s a good thing. Don’t look so terrified.”
He smiles and it makes me forget to suppress my own. When he catches the upward
curve of my lips, his smile grows and his eyes light up. The way the blue comes
out in them is beautiful. Before I lose myself in them, I pull my eyes away and
return to pretending to read the report.
The boy clears his throat, “Um sir… I mean Levi?” I hum, indicating for him to
go on without looking up from the paper, “Did you need me for something?”
Still without looking up I respond, “Yes.”
He’s quiet for a minute, expecting me to continue no doubt. “What do you need?”
I let him squirm a bit. I think I’m probably enjoying his discomfort a bit too
much, but he’s just too adorable. When I finally do speak, it startles him,
“You’re already doing it. I enjoy your company.”
I glance up just in time to see him open his mouth and then close it again. He
repeats the action several times, as if he’s trying to come up with something
to say but he just can’t seem to find the words. I let out an amused breath and
put down the report, completely giving up on attempting to finish it. The
soldier’s mouth snaps shut as I rise from the chair and approach him. On my
way, I pick up my teacup and sit down on the couch next to him, crossing my
legs. He makes a small sound as my weight shifts the cushions.
“Why?”
The question surprises me, “Why what?”
“Why do you enjoy my company?”
I think about it. And the fact that I’m able to think about it, answers the
question, “You annoy me less than most people and you intrigue me. Plus, I can
hear myself think when you’re in the room, unlike with most people.”
“Oh.”
“You sound disappointed.”
He looks up with wide eyes, indicating I wasn’t meant to have heard him. He
waves his hands frantically, “No, no! I just… I’m not really sure what I was
expecting, but I guess that makes sense.”
I let the silence sit after that. It doesn’t look like he has more to say and I
don’t really feel like giving away my motivations quite yet. In the time it
takes me to finish my tea, he fidgets constants. Eventually, he relaxes into
the couch some, leaning back into it rather than sitting perched on the edge,
but he still fidgets. I watch his hands and they wring around one another. He
looks like he is deep in thought about something, his brow furrowed and almost
taking on an angry look. Not that angry is too unusual for him, he’s got a wild
temper and a lot of well-founded rage.
As I take the last sip from my cup, I stand and place it aside. He looks up at
me and scrambles to stand when I motion for it. “I have to get some work done
and I imagine you have chores yet to do. Don’t do a shitty job.” He nods
resolutely and I’m just glad he doesn’t try to call me sir again. He starts
toward the door and as he passes me I grab his wrist which causes him to freeze
and look at me in question. He’s so fucking tall it forces me to look up at
him. Before I can think too hard about it and certainly before he can, I
stretch up and place a light kiss to his lips. Then I open the door and usher
him out, enjoying the shell shocked look he gives me the whole time.
--
Back on the pills, my sleeping schedule remained fairly regular. Hanji noticed,
and congratulated me on my improving complexion. Not that I much cared. On
Tuesday, they cornered me in the cafeteria.
“So, Levi.” I was just about to taste the tea I had just finished brewing when
they came up behind me.
“I just want to get some tea, shitty-glasses, what do you want?”
“Awww, don’t be mean. I have something for you!”
I sighed, setting down my mug and turning to face them. “Unless it’s work
related I am sure I don’t want to know.”
“Oh come on. All you have to do is come out and look pretty. Tomorrow night, at
the Ave Maria.”
“Who drinks on a Wednesday? No, Hanji. I’m not going out with you and I am
certainly not letting you try to set me up. Again.”
“Are you still holding Petra against me? You know I didn’t realise you were
into guys then. And this one is perfect. He’s a bit younger, but he’s smart. An
EMT. And he’s got these eyes, Levi. I swear, if you just come out, you’ll see.
If you don’t like him, you can leave. But I know you will.” They looked so
excited by the prospect that I almost felt bad about turning down the
invitation. But there was no way I was going to let Hanji’s crazy antics run
another failed date. Having her try to set me up with Petra (before she started
working here) was a miserable disaster that had fortunately only ended with our
friendship rather than an awkward last few years around the office.
“If I tell you I’ll think about it, will you leave me alone?”
“Only if you mean it!”
“Go away, Hanji. I’m not going out. I’m not going to meet this dream guy of
yours. If you think he’s so hot why don’t you date him?”
“Levi, you know I already have my Moblit. Just think about it.” And with that,
they turned around and left.
I'd already thought about it. The answer was no. The likelihood that I wouldn't
immediately hate whoever it was was so low that it just wasn't worth it. Plus,
I really didn't need a relationship. Most likely, he'd just get worried about
my dreams and I’d end up pushing him away because of it. Relationships aren't
worth it. I spent another couple minutes sipping my tea in the relative peace
of the cafeteria before returning to work.
--
Wednesday morning I woke an hour before my alarm is set to go off, but it's not
too hard on me, so I didn't mind it. I'd been enjoying the dreams I'd been
having anyway. The mysterious boy, who I seem to know only as "brat" or "kid"
(fitting nicknames, I'd come to find) was a constant presence under the
temazepam. I felt like I've come to know the kid really well through the time
in the dreams. Of all the people I've had be in my life and my dreams, I wished
he was real. I wanted to meet him. And not just because of the relationship we
seemed to share in the dream world. He was genuinely interesting.
It's too bad he likely doesn't exist. And I would never know without at least a
name.
--
I would have completely forgotten about the blind date had Hanji not barged
into my office at the end of the day.
“Last chance to meet the guy of your dreams, Levi!”
“I very much doubt that.” I glanced up at them standing in my doorway.
They took a few more steps into my office and seated themselves in one of the
chairs there. “Which part? That it’s the last chance or that he’s the guy of
your dreams?”
“Both.” My attention was back to my computer but I caught their movements out
of the corner of my eye. They were digging into the small dish of nuts I kept
on the table by the chairs.
“He’s going to be very disappointed. He sounded very interested in you. Though
I can’t really say why, seeing as I told him nothing but truths about you.”
They popped several nuts into their mouth.
“As I’m sure you can see, I am terribly concerned for the guy’s feelings. At
least apologise for trying to set up a date you knew was going to fail.”
“Fine! You don’t even get pictures then!”
“Good, then I won’t be waking up to your drunken exploits. Just please remember
that you have to work tomorrow. Erwin won’t be happy if you don’t show up, or
worse, show up drunk.”
They waved me off, “Oh I’ll be fine. Moblit will be there. Well, I guess I’ll
be off then. Enjoy your boring, lonely night while I party with the hot German
boy.”
By this point, my attention has been completely given back over to my computer
and I didn’t even register when Hanji finally left. It’s past seven by the time
I finally pulled my eyes from my screen and the building was dark, everyone
having already gone home.
When I got back to my apartment, I threw a frozen dinner in the microwave while
I changed. As expected, the meal was less than satisfying. It did, however, do
the job. I spent an hour or so after eating flipping through channels on
television. I watched whatever mildly interesting thing showed up until a
commercial then changed channels in search of something new. When I tired of
that, I took my temazepam, noting only one pill remained, and got ready for
bed.
The thing about late night showers is they lend themselves to excessively deep
thinking. Seeing only one pill left meant I only had tonight and the following
night left to enjoy full nights of sleep. It gave me this empty feeling deep in
my stomach. Not only would I lose sleep when the pills went away, but the only
time I had ever dreamt of the boy was when I took them. I didn’t want to lose
him, to let go of the only pleasant thing I’d ever had in my weird ass dreams.
I wish I could get another prescription. But the good doctor at the urgent care
clinic made it pretty clear this was the last course he was offering. I could
probably go to another doctor, but I don’t think I’m desperate enough to break
the law. I think. I shook my head. No, I am a grown ass man, I can deal with a
few nightmares. It’s not like I haven’t been for my entire life up to this
point. I’d be able to handle it again when the pills were gone. Though the
dreams were much more frequent lately…
As I got out of the shower, I mentally went through all of the urgent care
facilities I knew of in the city. When I realised what I was doing, I stopped,
choosing instead to think of the comfort of my bed and how nice it is to not be
sitting in a disgusting, dirty bar with Hanji and their sorry excuse for a set
up.
--
I managed to make it through Sunday night before even Hanji started noticing I
was being more terse than usual. The dark circles were back with a vengeance
and by Monday morning they were deep and I could have been easily convinced
that they would be permanent fixtures on my face. That morning, I managed to
alienate my entire team by nine by yelling at Petra about something stupid, I
think it had to do with gloves. From then on, my team only spoke to me when
absolutely necessary and seemed to take over many of my samples, leaving me to
do reports in peace.
I knew the whole office was aware of my less than pleasant attitude when Hanji
emailed me about an error in one of my reports rather than just pestering me. I
tried to make my reply with the correction attached as polite as possible, but
I don’t know how successful I was.
When Erwin knocked on my door, I knew I was in for some shit.
“How are you today, Levi?” he said, sitting down and picking a couple nuts out
of my dish.
“The fact that you’re here means you already know the answer to that.” I leaned
back from my computer. This was not a conversation I could avoid, so I didn’t
even bother to try working through it.
“Mmm, I know what everyone else is saying, but I don’t know what you are
feeling.”
My eyes narrowed. He was up to something. “I feel like shit. Haven’t been
sleeping. But that’s nothing new.”
“It is when it affects your work. You snapped at Petra and made a mistake on a
report. That’s unheard of.”
He was right. I hadn’t made a mistake on a report since shortly after starting
at this company, especially not one as asinine as the one Hanji caught. And at
least it was Hanji and not one of the scientists I had a much poorer
relationship with. It could have been Rico, and that would have been a shit
fest.
And Petra. I felt like shit for that. I couldn’t even remember what I had
gotten so worked up about, but I knew it was stupid. Petra didn’t deserve me
being an ass to her. She’d already dealt with all manner of shit from me, she
certainly didn’t need that.
I collapsed in my chair, pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration, “Yeah,
yeah I know. I’ll figure it out.”
He stared at me for a long moment before he nodded, “That’s all I ask.” He was
quiet for a moment, evaluating me. But eventually he got up and left.
At three I left and went to my downfall.
--
“Are you having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?” I sat at a new
urgent care facility across from a new doctor, repeating the first visit I’d
had.
“Both.”
“Any history of drug or alcohol abuse in you or your family?”
“No.”
“History of depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts?”
“No.”
“How about kidney, liver, or lung disease?”
“No, I smoke though.”
“Do you take any medications.”
“No.”
“Then it seems you’re a perfectly adequate candidate for temazepam. A seven day
course should be enough. Make sure to come back when you’ve finished the bottle
so we can check in to see how you’re sleeping. Don’t take more than one a
night. Make sure you have plenty of time to sleep and don’t drink any alcohol
with it.” The speech was familiar, and completely unnecessary, though I
wouldn’t tell him that. I’d come ready, casually bringing up the drug as
something I’d heard of to help. It was ridiculously easy. There was no
suspicion. Clinics like this should probably keep a central database to keep
people from abusing the sheer number of them in this city. Not like I was going
to suggest it though.
Prescription in hand, I left with both elation and a deep, hidden guilt
settling in my stomach.
--
Two months went by this way. When I had one pill left, I went to a new urgent
care clinic and started over. I started changing my name after the second
clinic, concerned about being turned away if my name came up in some system.
Soon after I got the third prescription, I started needing to take two pills
each night to stay asleep. I hated the nights I didn’t sleep until my alarm
woke me. They always cut the best dreams short.
It was easy to keep my growing dependence on the temazepam from my friends. I
had always been a private person. I simply avoided the issue and refused to go
out. All of which were completely normal responses from me. I think Erwin
suspected something was off, but he trusted me and respected my privacy enough
not to ask.
I was totally aware of the fact that what I was doing was a problem. I was
feeding an addiction. But it wasn’t the pills really. They were just a means to
an end. What I was really addicted to, what I needed to get through the day,
were the dreams that those little capsules made possible. Night was my favorite
part of the day. Falling asleep was the only thing I looked forward to. When I
was asleep, I understood the world a little more. Even if I still didn’t
understand why I had recurring dreams of the people I know in some war with
weird looking giants.
And he was there.
This brat who was so determined, so fiercely passionate. I knew his every
touch, every sound, every look. Two and a half months of dreams has given me
the chance to watch, experience, so many moments between us. I’ve fallen in
love with his endearing way of trying to please me in any way. I long for his
taste and his breath in my ear. To watch his ridiculous eyes light up when
something good happens, even though very little good things tend to happen in
the dream world. Somehow, I still manage to make him smile, and that is
everything.
And now I just want to sleep again. Not that that isn’t true all the time, but
the intense introspection into the green-eyed boy makes that longing especially
strong. It was only six on a Saturday night. Maybe if I took three pills, I
could sleep from now till morning and just dream extra long. Decided, I
finished the last dregs of my tea and readied for bed. The anxious excitement
made it difficult to fall asleep, even under the influence of 45mg of
temazepam.
--
The musty scent of horse and dirt sticks deep in my nose. Even though the dust
and inherent filth of the stables disgusts me, I don’t mind the smell. I give
my horse another few quick strokes with the brush. I hear the soft sound of
someone approach. It’s probably one of the new recruits doing last minute
stable duty. Or worst case, a couple of them trying to find a private place. I
shudder at the thought.
I decide the likelihood of the later is strong enough for me to want to leave.
I finish brushing my horse and turn to leave the stall, but stop short.
Standing at the door, leaning into the stall over the half-wall, is the only
person I could consider sneaking around with myself.
“Hey, Captain.”
I glare at him, realising he is using the title to tease me because he knows I
don’t like it. “Hey, brat.”
The smile I get for playing along is more than worth it.
The silence stretches while we simply stare each other down. He has this dopey
grin on his face that is so infectious I can’t help but return it with a small
smile of my own. When I catch myself, I try to put a convincing scowl back on
my face, but judging by the amusement in his eyes, I’m unsuccessful. “Did you
come here for a reason, or did you just happen to find me and decide bugging me
and trying to earn extra chores was the only cure to your boredom.”
His face twists when I mention extra chores, “No, I was looking for you. I
didn’t find you in your office or the mess hall so I came out here. Guess I was
right.”
When he doesn’t continue, I prompt, “Why?” I finally make it out of the stall
now, walking to the small area where the brushes and tack are kept to put away
the brush I had been using.
“Well… I was thinking…” he shuffles his feet and looks down.
I walk up to him and clearly he doesn’t notice as he starts when he looks up
from his feet, “Spit it out.”
“We could go out to the trees with our ODM gear and… practice a bit.”
I take another step close, looking up into his eyes and standing so close, “You
know you are allowed to say you just want to go fuck off in the trees, I won’t
tell Erwin.”
His cheeks colour and I smirk. His hands come up to hook behind my back and he
pulls me to him. “You didn’t give me an answer.”
“You didn’t ask a question.”
He pauses, no doubt trying to remember what he said and I laugh. “Will you come
with me?”
“Of course, Eren.”
Eren
He lights up and smiles big at my response. The he pulls me in and brushes his
lips against mine briefly. Then, before I can do much else, he grabs my hand
and begins leading me to the shed where we keep our ODM gear when it’s not in
use.
Putting on the bulky contraption is quick going, made so by years of experience
with the odd metal pieces. Once the gear is secured and ready, gas tanks filled
to the brim, we head out to the tree line.
We share only a glance to each other before both of us take off. The rushing
wind whipping at my face has been a familiar feeling from before I even joined
the military. The way my hands curl around the handles is second nature and the
subtle shifts in weight is all muscle memory by now. It’s funny, how this
large, clunky machine is able to efficiently move a person swiftly from one
place to another, with only a few simple levers and movements.
We start off at a leisurely pace, keeping stride with one another as we move
deeper into the forest. After some silent agreement, our pace increases and we
begin to weave wildly through the trees, only just barely managing to avoid one
another and the looming trees in the gathering darkness. Occasionally, a stray
hair whips across my eyes and I make a vague mental note to trim the dark locks
when I get the chance.
The exhilarating adrenaline is intoxicating and I can feel myself pushing
faster, harder. Eren maintains pace, but I can tell it’s putting strain on him.
He isn’t used to the higher speeds that I tend to push. His sister would have
an easier time, she always did, but his determination got him far. I can’t make
out his features at the speed we are traveling and with the sky darkening more
and more each second, but I imagine his eyebrows are drawn together in intense
concentration. I hope trying to keep up with me isn’t hindering his having fun.
That is the point, afterall.
Then I have a brilliant idea. I double back a bit and I just barely catch the
surprised look on his face before I come back toward him, cutting in front of
him. I latch on to a branch high up in a tree and his eyes follow me as he
finds a perch on a lower branch. Then, I push my speed to the maximum and curl
my body in on itself. I use the cables to propel myself in a spinning motion as
far as I can. For the tiniest of moments I catch his awed stare and smirk to
myself.
The tree comes out of nowhere.
--
The first thing I noticed was that my eyelids were unusually heavy. And then I
felt it.
The insurmountable pain.
The thing about shock is that it doesn't really register in your mind that
something is wrong even when the pain is crippling. For some reason, all my
brain wanted to think about was the fact that I needed a haircut. What an odd
detail to maintain from the dream.
I tried again to open my eyes and was met with a bit less resistance this time.
I expected to look up and see my drab, white ceiling and feel my blanket
tangled in my legs. But that wasn’t what met me when my vision cleared enough
to tell.
My body was slumped over in a chair. My eyes darted around, trying to discern
where I was. I recognised the grey color of the walls around me, but there was
some light that was practically blinding me. I blinked hard a few times and
when the light faded to a bearable level I realised I was in my car. I don’t
particularly remember getting into my car.
Huh, I guess I was in an accident.
I tried to sit up. That was a mistake. If I thought the pain was unbearable
before, I just didn’t know what I was in for. My mouth opened but no sound came
out. Then it struck me how unusually quiet it was. Shouldn’t I hear something,
anything? The silence was suddenly deafening and created an odd buzzing in my
ears. The buzzing grew and I tried to scream again, tried to make it stop, but
it just got worse. Then, ever so faintly, it sounded like there were voices. It
was like I was hearing them from underwater from far away, but they sounded
like they were yelling. And there was an odd muffled cacophony around the
voices.
Somewhere in my brain it registered that I was probably hearing sirens. At
least I hoped so. It’d be nice to get someone who knew something to get me out
of this goddamn car. But then I’d have to move. I groaned. I felt the vibration
in my chest as the sound barely touched my ears.
There was a pressure on my head. I turned ever so slightly and caught a
uniform, looked like a paramedic. I must’ve been pretty fucked up. It’s then
that I realised I hadn’t been able to feel my legs this whole time. All of the
pain paralysing me in place stopped somewhere around my thighs. That couldn’t
be good.
I realised that my head was weirdly calm about all of this. My throat was sore,
probably from trying to cry out, but I was oddly rational. Then I heard the
sound of grinding metal on metal as my door was wrenched open. I think I passed
out because the next thing I know I’m laying down on a stretcher staring up at
the sky. It had this faint pink glow to it, must’ve almost been morning. I
couldn’t move my head, so they must have gotten a brace on my neck. I tried to
move a bit and could feel the pressure there. Definitely a brace.
I think I was being moved. A light jostle from the stretcher wheels hitting a
small pebble confirmed it and ignited the pain in my upper body. My hearing was
back in full force, and the blaring sirens and yelling of first responders hurt
my ears. I liked the buzzing better.
“I’ll ride in the back with him.”
I heard a voice and it sounded vaguely familiar but seeing as no one even tried
talking to me, they couldn’t have called anyone I know. I waved the thought
away, which was easy because I could hear them counting and then I was lifted,
which jostled me a lot more than the little pebble. I think I screamed, but my
concept of sound seemed to still be a bit distorted. I was secured in place and
a person dressed in the EMT uniform leaned over me. Only it wasn’t just any
person.
“Er… en…” And the world went black.
--
The sound of the flatline was utterly terrifying. I’ve heard the sound so many
times before, but this time it was Levi. I’d been looking for so long. Trying
to meet every person I found with the name. Sometimes I’d be walking down the
street and see a short person with dark hair and do a double take. But it was
never him. And now here he is, bleeding and dying. My hands worked
automatically. I charged the paddles and shocked him. It took three tries to
get his heartbeat regular again. But it was weak. But I just had to get him to
the hospital. If he could make it to the hospital the doctors would save him.
They had to. I couldn’t handle it if they didn’t.
The way the blood was caked in his hair and on his clothes reminded me of so
many dreams. Dreams of giants with a penchant for human flesh, of flying
through the air with swords of twisted metal, of a hopeless war. I couldn’t
watch him die. Not again. I’ve lived that dream far too many times. I went to
therapy for it. I became an EMT because of it. And now the only person I ever
wanted to save was relying on me to keep him alive.
I reached down and ran my thumb over his cheek, “Levi…”
Suddenly the rig stopped and the doors flew open. I was already standing and
wheeling him out. There was a team of surgeons at the incoming bay and they
helped get the stretcher down and wheeled him into the hospital. I tried to
follow but a hand on my shoulder stops me.
“You can’t follow them, Eren.”
I looked back over my shoulder and Jean, my partner, was there. I looked to the
doors again. “I know.”
“That’s him, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
We were silent for a moment. Then he spoke, “Go up to the lobby, I’ll get
Connie to ride with me.” I turned around to face him, eyes wide with shock. He
just nodded toward the path around the building.
“Thank you.” And I was gone, running around the building. When I made it into
the lobby, I approached the desk breathlessly. “I’m an EMT, we just brought in
a man from a car accident sent for surgery. I know him, can you keep me
updated?”
“Do you have a name?” The receptionist looked tired. I couldn’t blame her, it
was approaching the end of the night shift.
“Levi. Levi Ackerman.”
Her fingers typed at the keys for a few moments, “He’s still in surgery. I’ll
put a note on his chart that he has someone waiting.”
“Thank you.” I gave her my name and went to find a seat to stare at the door
the doctors would come out of with anxious hope.
--
I knew something was wrong before the doors even opened.
I don’t know how much stock I put into this whole reincarnation/soulmate thing
we seem to have going on, but I’ve been dreaming about Levi for years. I felt
like we have some kind of connection. It didn’t matter that we never actually
met. Didn’t matter that he didn’t come out to see me two months ago. It didn’t
matter that the only reason I even knew where he worked was because of Hanji.
Oh fuck. Hanji.
I’d have to call them.
Before those doors ever opened, I knew that good news was not going to come
out. But I still held out hope, because what did I know? When I saw a doctor
walk slowly out of the doors, I hoped to whatever higher power might exist that
she wasn’t coming for me.
She did.
She looked sweet enough, dark hair pulled back into a ponytail under a
surgeon’s cap. Her face was forced into a tight expression, though. I could
tell she was trying her hardest not to look defeated. It didn’t matter. I
worked in this business. I knew what that meant. She still said it.
“Eren Jaeger?”
I stood and nodded, throat far too tight to attempt to speak.
“Mr. Ackerman lost a lot of blood by the time he got here. The accident opened
a femoral artery and severed some nerves in his legs. He also had massive
internal bleeding. We tried everything we could…”
She kept talking, but I stopped listening. I didn’t care after that. I sunk
back into the chair. My eyes were wide and wet. I didn’t realise that I was
crying until I felt the tears fall and land on my hands. The doctor left at
some point. I hope she knew that I didn’t mean to be rude, but I just couldn’t
function. I didn’t watch him die this time, but wasn’t that so much worse?
There was absolutely nothing I could have done, no way I could have saved him.
Isn’t that supposed to make it easier? Well, it didn’t.
I don’t know how long it was before the floor came back into focus enough to
see and the fuzziness in my head cleared enough to think. I pulled my phone
out, sent a text to Mikasa telling her to pick me up. She didn’t ask why, which
I was grateful for. Then I went through my contacts until I found Hanji’s name.
“Eren! It’s been a while. What’s up?” The excitement they answered with was too
much. A sob wracked my body and came out as a choked sound. “Eren?”
I took several shaky, deep breaths, trying to calm myself enough to speak. “H-
I- Han-” I wasn’t making any sense.
“It’s ok, Eren. Take your time.”
Anger. Suddenly I was inexplicably angry, “It’s not ok!” I practically
screamed. Many of the people in the waiting room turned to look at me. I didn’t
care. “It’s never going to be ok.”
“Eren! Eren, calm down. What happened?”
Suddenly, a deadly calm washed over me and my voice was barely a whisper, “He’s
gone, Hanji. Levi’s dead.”
End Notes
     I actually wrote three different endings for this and one of them is
     happy. So consolation, maybe?
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!