Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7251010.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Dean_Winchester/John_Winchester, Dean_Winchester_&_Sam_Winchester, Dean
      Winchester/OMC, Dean_Winchester_&_Jim_Murphy
  Character:
      Dean_Winchester, Sam_Winchester, Jim_Murphy, John_Winchester, Bobby
      Singer
  Additional Tags:
      Child_Abuse, Parent/Child_Incest, Sexual_Abuse, Rape/Non-con_Elements,
      Rape, Hurt_Dean_Winchester, Community:_spnkink_meme
  Collections:
      Supernatural_Kink_Meme
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-06-20 Words: 3711
****** Eripio ******
by waywardseraph
Summary
     None of the monsters out there are as scary as the one that hovers
     over the bed as Dean pretends to sleep...the one who looks like Dad.
     Kink meme prompt: Dean was five the first time his dad started using
     him for sex. By the time Dean's nine, it's become a regular part of
     his life. He doesn't like it, in fact it scares him and it hurts, but
     it's the only time that Daddy tells him he's proud of him and loves
     him. Well that and as long as he's focused on Dean, he won't hurt
     Sammy.
     Regardless of how it happens, I just want a Dean who's been sexually
     abused by his father, getting saved by adults (Pastor Jim) who
     realize that something is wrong.
Notes
     Author's note: I was trying to write this from the perspective of a
     young boy, hence the simpler language and word choices.
      
     TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR RAPE OF AN UNDERAGE CHILD BY A PARENT.
      
     For Elizabeth, my "Aaron."
i.
Dad hunts monsters. So do Bobby and Pastor Jim and Dad’s other friends. When
Bobby found out that Dean knew about monsters, he yelled at Dad and said that
Dean was too young to be told about scary things like that. But Dad just said
that Dean is old enough to know about the monsters.
Dean’s old enough for a lot of things, according to Dad.
For a while, he was scared of the thing that had killed Mom. He didn’t know
much about it; Dad didn’t talk about the monster at all. So he pictured it with
big scary eyes and sharp pointy teeth and a scaly dragon body and a tail with
flames, because it had set their house on fire, too. In his mind, he could see
it creeping up their stairs, like a snake except with flat little legs, and
into Sammy’s nursery, lying in wait for Mom. And then…he wasn’t sure what
happened, except that Dad had come out of the house and Mom never did.
And, until he was five years old, that was the scariest monster Dean could
imagine.
But then there is a new monster, scarier than the thing that had killed Mom. It
doesn’t live under the bed or in the closet. It doesn’t have glowing eyes or
gleaming teeth or claw hands. This monster looks just like Dad, and when it
talks, its voice sounds just like Dad and smells like whiskey. Its shadow is
huge, spreading across the hotel room walls, hulking over Dean’s bed, where
Dean desperately tries to pretend that he’s asleep. Maybe if he’s sleeping, the
monster will go away.
But the monster always sits down beside him, and in Dad’s voice it mutters
things, telling Dean to be quiet, to not wake Sammy. And then the monster is
dragging him across the bed, forcing him down onto his knees on the carpet,
telling him to open his mouth and be a good boy, and Dean tries not to cry,
tries to be brave, even though the monster hurts him so bad sometimes, so bad.
He can’t wake Sammy.
 
ii.
The first time the monster came, Dean was five years old, and he wasn’t scared
in the beginning, because he’d thought that it was Dad. It wasn’t until the
monster was forcing Dad’s thing into his mouth that Dean realized that this
wasn’t Dad at all. The monster made him move his head up and down, his mouth
stretched so wide that Dean was sure his skin would rip at the corners, and
then the monster was grunting above him, saying what a good boy Dean was. Then
there was something hot and slimy in Dean’s mouth, and he gagged and choked and
tried not to vomit.
And then the monster was gone, and it was Dad again, and Dad was crying and
pulling Dean up to him and saying that he was sorry, so sorry, and he would
never do it again, to please forgive him. And Dean cried and Dad cried more and
Dean said that it was okay, that he was okay, because Dad was so sad about what
the monster had done.
The monster didn’t come back the next night, or the next night, or the next,
and eventually Dean wasn’t so scared anymore. Dad hunted monsters and made sure
that they never hurt anyone else again, and so Dad must have killed this one,
too.
But then, a few months later, they were in another motel in another state, and
the monster found them. And even though Dad cried after the monster had hurt
Dean, even though Dad promised that it wouldn’t happen again, Dean knew. He
knew that the monster would come back.
And the monster did come back, again and again. Sometimes it would disappear
for a month, and then it would reappear every night for a week. Dean never knew
when it would be waiting for him, and so he was scared as soon as it was time
for bed, sometimes even wetting himself in terror, unable to sleep well or eat
much.
After a year, Dad stopped crying and saying that it wouldn’t happen anymore.
 
iii.
Eventually, Dean realizes that it isn’t really a monster. It’s really Dad, and
that makes everything so much worse. Sometimes he likes to pretend that it is a
monster, just so he doesn’t have to think that it’s Dad hurting him.
When Dean is eight, Sammy almost sees them one night. Sammy’s sick and
feverish, and Dad tells Dean that he must be very quiet; he must be a very good
boy and not make any noise at all. Dean tries, but he can’t stop himself from
choking, and Sammy starts to stir in the bed next to them. Dad is angry with
Dean, and that is bad, very bad.
Dad takes Dean out of the hotel room and makes him sit in the front of the car,
not saying a word as he drives and drives, until Dad pulls over into a deserted
parking lot. It’s a state park, but it’s the middle of January and it’s
deserted. Dad takes a hold of Dean’s collar and drags him into the park, away
from the parking lot, along a barely-marked hiking trail.
There’s a picnic table in the middle of nowhere, and Dad throws Dean down on
the ground in front of it, into the snow. He’s so mad that he’s shaking, and
Dean knows what this means – bruises in secret places, in places that Sammy and
prying eyes won’t see.
“Get the fuck up,” Dad growls, but Dean apparently doesn’t do it fast enough,
because Dad is gripping his upper arm, bending him over the edge of the picnic
table, yanking down his pants. There’s the sound of a cap unsnapping, and then
something wet and cold is smeared against his backside. And then something is
pushing into him and tearing him apart, so bad that Dean can literally see
stars, and this is so much worse than the other thing Dad makes him do, so much
worse, and even though it hurts, it hurts oh god it hurts so much, Dean is
trying to be a good boy, just like Dad wants, biting his forearm hard so he can
muffle his own cries, without being told, because good boys are quiet.
It lasts forever, each thrust gutting Dean and ramming his belly into the hard
edge of the picnic table, but eventually Dad stops and pats him on the butt.
“Good boy,” he croons, zipping up his jeans, and Dean slides to the ground, his
trembling legs unable to support him any longer. Dad lifts him, and he’s almost
gentle about it, pulling Dean’s pants up and rubbing his lower back, tucking
Dean’s head against his shoulder and kissing his cheek. “That’s my good little
boy.”
As Dad carries him away, Dean can see the snow where he’d fallen, a smear of
bright red blood marking what the monster/Dad has done.
 
iv.
When Dad puts his thing inside of Dean’s butt, it always hurts, always, almost
as bad as the first time. It makes Dean walk funny the next day, and going to
the bathroom hurts pretty much all of the time now. When Dean has to poop, he
tries to hold it in as long as he possibly can, because Dean knows that it’ll
feel like what Dad does to him, and there will be blood in the toilet and tears
streaking his face by the time he’s done.
Sometimes holding it so long makes Dean’s stomach hurt, so bad that he almost
throws up, and then Dad makes him drink something gross that makes him go, even
though Dean doesn’t want to.
Dad gets mad when he has to give him the medicine, and he tells Dean that he’d
better stop being so stubborn, or maybe he’ll have to see if Sammy is a big boy
like Dean. That makes Dean behave, at least for a week or two, because the
thought of Dad doing things to Sammy hurts more than the stuff that Dad makes
Dean do.
 
v.
There’s a big monster down in Florida killing people, and Dad and Bobby are
going to kill it, but it’s a smart monster and it might take a while. Bobby
tells Dad that it’s too dangerous to bring the boys, and Dad finally agrees to
drop them off at Pastor Jim’s place. On the drive there, Sammy falls asleep in
the back seat, and Dad pulls down a deserted road and makes Dean get out of the
car.
Dean is still crying when they arrive at Pastor Jim’s an hour later; his
insides hurt so much and he’s bleeding again, but Dad just tells Pastor Jim
that Dean needs to be a big boy and take care of his brother. Pastor Jim tries
to hug Dean and Sammy when Dad roars away in the Impala, but Dean squirms away.
Pastor Jim shows them to the room he and Sammy sleep in when they stay with
him. It has two beds with a few stuffed animals on them. Sammy squeals and
grabs a huge stuffed moose, but Dean hangs back. He has to go to the bathroom,
but he can’t when he hurts so much.
Later that night, Pastor Jim draws Dean a bath in the big clawfoot tub. Sammy’s
already asleep, hugging that moose, and Dean hisses as he sinks into the water.
His entire body aches, and he can barely sit. He touches himself down there,
where Dad puts his thing, and when he pulls his fingers away, there’s a little
blood on them. Usually he doesn’t bleed this much, but Dad was in a hurry and
angry with him, and that always makes it worse.
There’s blood in his underwear too, a spot almost the size of Dean’s fist, and
he doesn’t know what to do. Usually Dad throws them away, but Dean only knows
where one trash can is, and it’s the small one in the bedroom. What if Pastor
Jim sees his underwear in the trash? Dad always says that Dean can’t tell
anyone what Dad does, or bad people will take Dean away and he’ll never see Dad
or Sammy again.
He decides to wad up his stained underwear and shove them underneath the bed,
against the wall.
 
vi.
Usually Dean sleeps well at Pastor Jim’s, because Dad is gone and no one will
hurt Dean here. But he’s up most of the night, clutching at his belly, rolling
around in the bed and trying to find a comfortable spot. He finally decides
that he has to go, no matter how much it hurts him, because Pastor Jim doesn’t
know about his medicine or why he needs it.
But he just can’t poop, no matter how much he wants to, because it’s too
painful. Dean spreads his butt cheeks open with his fingers, like Dad does
sometimes when he does things to Dean, but he feels his skin rip and tear down
there, and he bites his lip hard. He tries to be quiet, because good boys are
quiet, but it hurts so much, and he’s bleeding again, the blood making little
dripping noises as it falls into the toilet.
Dean can hear Pastor Jim shuffling around, and then there’s a knock at the
bathroom door, and Dean quickly swipes his eyes with the back of his hand as
Pastor Jim turns the knob.
Pastor Jim’s eyes are soft and kind. “What’s wrong, Dean?”
“I have to poop,” Dean manages to whisper, ashamed at not being a good boy,
because good boys don’t hold it in until it gets this bad. “But it hurts, and I
can’t go.”
He expects Pastor Jim to laugh at him, like Dad does, but Pastor Jim just
frowns and lifts him off the toilet seat. He presses his hand against Dean’s
stomach, and Dean winces, suddenly afraid of what Pastor Jim might do. “Your
tummy is hard as a rock,” Pastor Jim says, and then he looks down into the
toilet and gasps. “You’re bleeding?” He turns Dean around, and Dean tenses,
wanting to cry, terrified that Pastor Jim is going to bend Dean over and put
his thing inside, too.
But all Pastor Jim does is take a tissue and wipe at Dean’s rear. “You’re
bleeding,” he says again, louder this time. “Dean, we have to go to the
hospital.” And before Dean can say no, that he just needs his medicine, that he
can’t go to the hospital because bad people will take Dean away, Pastor Jim is
pulling up Dean’s pants and calling for Sammy.
 
vii.
The hospital is big and noisy, and they put Dean and Pastor Jim and Sammy into
a small room. A nurse comes in and asks Dean what is wrong, but Dean just
clamps his mouth shut and shakes his head. He can’t tell anyone; Dad will find
out if he tells someone, and if the bad people don’t take Dean away, Dad’ll
really hurt him.
Pastor Jim tells the nurse about the blood in the toilet and stuff like that,
and the nurse frowns and writes something on a piece of paper. Then she goes
out and gets two big stickers, one for Dean and one for Sammy. Dean’s has a big
smiling robot on it, and Sammy cries that Dean’s sticker is better than his,
which just has a grinning frog. Dean gives Sammy his sticker, and Sammy smiles,
happy again.
Then the doctor comes into the room and asks the same things that the nurse
did, and once again Pastor Jim has to do the talking, because Dean won’t. He’s
going to be a good boy, and Dad will be so proud when he hears how good Dean
was, how he didn’t tell anyone a word.
The doctor asks Pastor Jim to take Sammy and go back into the waiting area, and
Dean feels a lick of panic inside. What if the doctor takes Dean away and
Pastor Jim can’t find him ever again? Dean starts to whimper, and Pastor Jim
gives him a helpless look as the nurse comes into the room. She hugs Dean and
tells him it’ll be okay, but Dean doesn’t want her hugging him, and it doesn’t
feel like things are going to be okay.
The doctor feels Dean’s tummy once Pastor Jim and Sammy are gone, and then she
says that she’s going to have to look at Dean’s backside. Dean doesn’t know
what to do; his stomach hurts bad, and he really has to poop, but he’s pretty
sure that Dad wouldn’t want a stranger looking at his butt. The doctor keeps
him mostly covered up with a sheet, and her hands are gentle, not like Dad’s,
and then the doctor makes a weird noise, or maybe it’s the nurse.
Either way, it’s the nurse who looks at him with sad eyes. “Does the pastor
hurt you?” she asks softly, and Dean shakes his head.
“No way,” he says, still shaking his head. “Pastor Jim doesn’t hurt anyone.
He’s a good guy.”
“Then who is it, Dean?” The nurse holds his hand and pats his arm as the doctor
keeps examining him.
Dean bites his lip. She can’t make him say it; he promised Dad that he’d never
tell.
“Is it your dad, Dean? Does your dad hurt you?”
And then he can’t help it; Dean starts crying, loud and hard, so much that his
nose runs and his entire body shakes, and Dean knows it’s over. The nurse knows
it’s Dad, without Dean ever having said a word.
 
viii.
Two police officers come, along with a lady in a dress, and Dean is afraid that
they are coming to arrest him, because he told on Dad. But the lady tells him
that she’s here to help and that no one will ever hurt him again. Dean doesn’t
believe her, because Dad used to say stuff like that all of the time, and look
where that got Dean.
They take Sammy, too, and for a minute Dean is relieved; at least his little
brother is coming with him, wherever they are going. But then Dean realizes
that that means he’s going to have to leave Pastor Jim’s place, and he wants to
cry some more, even though he feels all cried out inside.
Dean sees Pastor Jim in the hallway, and Pastor Jim has his back turned towards
them, his shoulders trembling. “I didn’t know,” Dean hears him say, “I had no
idea. I had no idea that he…I didn’t know, or I would have done something, I
swear.”
The lady in the dress takes Dean and Sammy to what she calls an “emergency
foster home.” It’s a nice house, with a big front yard, and it kind of reminds
Dean of the house he used to live in, back when Mom was still alive and Dad
didn’t hurt him. Two women live there, Janice and Sam, and Sammy thinks it’s
funny that a woman has the same name as he does. The lady in the dress says
that she’ll be back tomorrow, and that Janice and Sam have a nice bedroom for
them to both stay.
It is a nice room, with two beds – one with a blue comforter, and one with a
sea green one – and a shelf crammed full of books separating them. There’s a
pile of stuffed animals in a chair in the corner, and Sammy makes a beeline for
them. He picks up a stuffed beagle and hugs it tight, but then he looks at Dean
and pads over to him. “Here, Dean,” Sammy says in his squeaky little voice.
“This is for you.”
Janice makes a sad little noise, and Dean almost can’t stand her knowing what
happened, that Dean is not a good boy, that he gave away the secret.
 
ix.
Dean and Sammy stay with Janice and Sam for over a month. They’re both really
nice, and they do family things with the boys, like taking them to the movies
and the park. Sammy latches onto them like glue, but Dean can’t really blame
him; he never got to know Mom.
Pastor Jim comes to visit them once a week, with the lady in the dress. Pastor
Jim cries the first time and keeps saying that he’s sorry, that he didn’t know,
which makes Dean cry too, and then Sammy starts wailing, even though Sammy has
no idea why everyone is so upset. The lady in the dress tells Pastor Jim that
he has to be strong, and eventually he stops crying long enough to tell Dean
that he’s applying to be an approved foster parent, so he and Sammy can come
live with him, this time for good.
When Pastor Jim leaves, he hugs Dean super tight, and Dean lets him. “You are
such a brave little guy,” Pastor Jim tells him, sniffling again. “I wish you
didn’t have to be.”
Dean has to start seeing a counselor, but Dean doesn’t want to talk to her.
They spend a lot of time playing with puzzles.
She asks him if he’d like to live with Pastor Jim, and Dean thinks about it for
a minute before nodding.
A few days after that, Pastor Jim comes for Dean and Sammy and takes them home.
 
x.
It takes almost a year for the police to find Dad and arrest him. Dean feels
guilty when Pastor Jim tells him about it, even though the counselor tells him
that he shouldn’t. Dean didn’t do anything wrong; it is his Dad’s fault, what
happened, not his. Maybe if the counselor keeps telling him that, Dean will
eventually believe it.
Pastor Jim makes them go to school. Sammy loves it, the little nerd, but Dean
has trouble adjusting and making friends. He’s angry a lot, and he doesn’t know
why; sometimes it feels like it will choke him, and he has to punch something
to make it stop. The counselor says that it is normal, and she encourages
Pastor Jim to enroll him in boxing lessons.
It helps, a little.
Dad pleads guilty and is sentenced to thirty years. Dean feels good that he’ll
be all grown by the time Dad gets out, and he’ll be big enough by then to make
sure that Dad doesn’t hurt him again.
That helps, too.
 
xi.
Seventeen years later
Pastor Jim always makes a big deal about Thanksgiving, and Sam and Dean always
make sure to be home for the holiday. This year the table’s a little bigger,
the room a bit more crowded.
Pastor Jim completely divorced himself from the hunting world, devoting all of
his energy to raising Sam and Dean.
Sam’s finishing up law school, and Dean is so proud of his baby brother. Jess
is a great girl, and they make each other happy.
It’s been a long, hard road for Dean. During his teenage years, he started
hanging out with “the wrong crowd,” as Pastor Jim used to say, and started
using pretty much any drug he could shoot into his veins or snort up his nose.
He’s been to rehab a few times, but he’s been clean and sober for five years
now. Pastor Jim and Sam hung with him through the worst, and Dean’s thankful
for that, above all.
Dean turns to the person sitting beside him, gives him a smile. Aaron is a
great guy, and even though Dean’s put him through the wringer more than once,
he still sticks around. Dean has agonized about being gay for a long time,
wondering if he was born that way or if what Dad did to him made him that way.
In the end, though, he realized that it doesn’t matter.
Family is what matters – not necessarily your blood, but the ones you choose,
the ones who prove themselves to you. Sammy and Jess and Pastor Jim and Aaron
love and support him, and in the end, that’s what’s important. And as Dean
watches Pastor Jim carve up the turkey, he’s grateful beyond words for the
people inside of this room.
 
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