Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10174268.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      RuPaul's_Drag_Race_RPF
  Relationship:
      bitney, Courtney_Act_&_Bianca_Del_Rio, Courtney_Act/Bianca_Del_Rio, Danny
      Noriega_|_Adore_Delano/Alaska_Thunderfuck_5000
  Character:
      Courtney_Act, Bianca_Del_Rio, Danny_Noriega_|_Adore_Delano, Alaska
      Thunderfuck_5000, Willam_Belli, Detox_Icunt, Alyssa_Edwards, D.J._Pierce
      |_Shangela, Laganja_Estranja
  Additional Tags:
      AU, Childhood, Through_the_Years, Fluff, Angst, Smut, Growing_Up
      Together, Tree_Houses, Childhood_Friends, Childhood_Sweethearts, Friends
      to_Lovers, Slow_Burn
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-03-08 Updated: 2018-01-22 Chapters: 23/? Words: 46533
****** Endless Love ******
by evildictatoroftaste, veronicasanders
Summary
     This is a slow-burn Bitney AU that starts out with them as childhood
     friends and follows them into adulthood. (I've been very conservative
     in the tagging, but many of the chapters are fine for general
     audiences. I will put individual chapter ratings/warnings in the
     notes.)
Notes
     In this chapter, Shane’s family moves in across the street from Roy,
     and the boys get to know each other.
     CHAPTER RATING: GENERAL AUDIENCES
***** 1987 *****
It all began on a summer afternoon in June. Roy and his sisters were playing in
the sprinklers when the taxi pulled up.
Elizabeth, who was 12 and very proud of her position as the oldest, spotted
them first. She grabbed Nessa’s hand excitedly. “Look! The new neighbors are
here!”
The girls jumped up and down, clapping. Their old neighbors had had twin
daughters who always played with Lynn and Vanessa, and they were on pins and
needles ever since the SOLD sign went up, breathlessly anticipating their new
playmates.
Roy was praying every day that there would be a boy his age. He loved his big
sisters but somehow, though there were about 10 families with kids on their
block, no boys over 3.
He stood behind Nessa, squeezing her hand.
*
"Shane, honey we're here," Mum whispered, shaking him a little to wake him up.
He yawned and rubbed his eyes as his mum got out of the car then turned to help
him out.
"This will be our new home, do you guys like it?"
“It’s okay, I guess,” Kim shrugged, arms crossed, and glanced at Shane.
He looked around with wide eyes as he clutched his teddy bear in his arms.
Everything was so different from home in Australia. The house looked bigger and
it had a big tree in the front yard, where he thought it would be fun to play
with his daddy. He noticed that all the houses along the street looked the same
but in different colors.
He saw something move on the corner of his eye and crept around the car to get
a closer look. Four kids stood in bathing suits in the front yard across the
street. All of them had dripping wet black hair and tan skin. There were three
girls and a boy in the middle looking at him.
*
The family climbed out of the cab, the two parents pulling huge suitcases from
the trunk and the kids following. There was a girl about Liz’ age with long
blonde hair, and then a little boy, holding a big teddy bear. Nessa squeezed
Roy’s hand back. “Roy, that kid is probably your age!”
Roy eyed the small tow-headed boy skeptically. “Nah, he looks like he's in pre-
school.” He kicked a rock, slightly annoyed. “He's probably 4.”
Liz laughed. “So? You're 5. You can still play with him.”
Roy shrugged, turning back to the sprinklers. “I guess.” But the playmate in
his head was not that tiny looking baby. He was older, dressed like Danny Zucko
in Grease. Maybe he smoked cigarettes and someday would get a motorcycle. That
kid? Looked like he'd cry if a motorcycle rode by.
Roy glanced back over his shoulder. The boy stood on the curb, watching him
with big eyes. He decided to be friendly, and so he waved at the boy, who hid
his face shyly in the bear. Roy rolled his eyes and sighed. Oh well.
*
When the boy across the street gave him a big smile,  Shane felt his cheeks
burn and buried his face in Teddy’s tummy. He didn't feel comfortable when
people paid him attention unless he was on a stage.
“Looks like you already make a friend here,” Kim whispered, nudging him, and he
stuck his tongue out at her.
"Shane, darling? Are you okay?"
"Yes mummy," he smiled up at her.
“Are you ready to see your rooms?” Kim and Shane nodded and followed her
inside.
*
Shane’s mum led him and Kim upstairs, showing them their new bedrooms. “Kimmy,
this is your bedroom. Look how big your closet is, darling!”
“Whatever.” Kim had been acting surly for about two months, ever since mum and
dad told them that they were moving from Brisbane to Louisiana. That is, when
she wasn't crying her eyes out over leaving her friends.
Mum took Shane by the hand. “Come here love, let's find your room.” She pushed
open a door across the hall. “See, honey? You have that lovely window seat!”
Shane ran up to the large picture window and climbed onto the seat, pressing
his face against the glass. Those kids were still playing in the front yard. He
watched the dark-haired boy dance through the water. He turned to one of the
bigger girls and began to laugh, dimples appearing in his cheeks. Shane made a
silent wish that he would become his friend, and then jumped down from the
window, hugging Teddy and smiling up at Mum. “It's a very nice room, Mummy.”
Mum wrapped him into a big hug. “I'm glad you like it, my love. I think we're
going to be very happy here.”
*****
The movers arrived the next morning, and Mum ushered the kids out of the house
to get them out of the way. They walked around the block for awhile, looking at
all the houses. Shane got excited by a tire swing in one of the yards and asked
Kim if daddy would put one in their tree for him. “Sure,” she said, and sighed
for about the 40th time that day.
“Kimmy?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry you’re sad.” Shane put his arms around her waist and hugged her
tightly.
“Thanks,” she whispered, brushing away a few tears with the back of her hand
and then placing it on his head.
They turned the corner and ended up where they’d started. The movers had almost
finished with their furniture and were starting on the boxes.
Kim glanced across the street. “That’s the house with all those kids. Wanna try
ringing the bell?”
Shane looked up at her hopefully, his stomach tightening with anticipation.
“Okay!”
He clung to her hand as they walked up to the front door. One of the girls
answered in bare feet, her hair a tangled mess, baggy cut-offs falling off her
narrow hips.
“Hi, um, I’m Kim and this is Shane. We just moved in,”
“Hey, I’m Lynn,” said the girl. “Wanna come in? My brother and sisters are
watching TV.”
“Yes! Omigod, it’s been 3 days since I saw a TV.” Kim followed her inside
happily, pulling Shane along by the hand.
They trooped down some stairs into a big rec room. Kim let go of Shane’s hand
and introduced herself to the older girls. One of them was gonna be at her
school the next year, which seemed to make Kim relieved and happy.
Shane found himself face to face with the boy. He tried to speak but his mouth
felt dry.
“I’m Roy,” he said, “I’m 5 now but I’ll be 6 next month. I’m going to be in
first grade next year. How old are you?”
Shane’s skin felt hot and itchy. He looked down at the ground and quietly said,
“I’m 5 too.”
“You look younger than that,” Roy informed him.
“I’m...I’m going to be in kindergarten,” Shane wished he was a year older. And
taller. And stronger. But most of all, he wished he could disappear into the
floor.
“Well, that’s okay,” said Roy. “Maybe you’ll have a growth spurt soon.”
Shane giggled nervously. He didn’t know what a “growth spurt” was but it
sounded funny to him. “Yeah.”
“Do you like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”
“What’s that?”
Roy’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “You don’t know the Ninja Turtles? Where
are you FROM?”
Shane feared he might die from embarrassment. “Australia,” he said quietly.
“Well, it’s only the coolest show ever!”
“Not as cool as Saved by the Bell!” Nessa teased.
“WAY COOLER than Saved By the Bell!” Roy countered, hands on his hips. He
grabbed Shane’s hand. “Come upstairs with me, I’ll show you my action figures!”
Thrilled, Shane ran up the stairs after Roy, his heart bursting with joy. He
had a friend. A real live friend. Maybe this new place wasn’t so big and scary
after all.
*****
The wedding happened on a Thursday in the middle of August. The sweltering,
sticky heat had forced all of the kids into the Haylock’s air conditioned rec
room, where they watched The Sound of Music. After the movie, someone (Liz
would be blamed but no one could actually remember 100%, though years later,
Vanessa claimed all the credit) suggested that they recreate the wedding
between Maria and Captain Von Trapp.
As the oldest boy, Roy was assigned the role of the Captain. They found a
blazer and bow tie for him, along with some white gloves that Lynn usually wore
to church.
After some lively debate, the girls all agreed that Shane made the most sense
as Maria. After all, he had the closest hair to Julie Andrews’ out of all of
them, and then there was a deciding factor: he was shorter than Roy. Vanessa’s
first communion dress was long enough that it dragged on the floor behind him,
and a white lace table runner fastened with a flower headband made the perfect
veil.
Liz played the bishop who married them, and officiated grandly, while Vanessa
and Lynn held bunches of flowers and acted as the Von Trapp girls - they argued
for a minute about who got to be Liesl but it was settled by a game of Ro Sham
Bo. Which Lynn won, to Liz’ relief, since she'd been preparing herself for a
hissyfit.
Liz instructed Shane and Roy to kneel down and hold hands while she blessed
them. She recited some lines that she remembered from their aunt’s wedding and
television…”We are gathered here today…” “Maria, do you take Captain Von Trapp
as your husband, in sickness and health...until you die?”
Vanessa poked Shane in the back. “Say ‘I do,’” she advised.
“I do!” Shane smiled sweetly and fluttered his eyelashes at Roy.
“And do you, Captain, take Maria as your wife, in sickness and health, until
you are dead?”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Roy, and Liz frowned at him but continued.
“Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride!” she crowed.
Roy put his hands on his hips, but before he could utter a word of protest,
Vanessa mashed their faces together like a couple of Barbie dolls.
Roy wrenched his head away, wiping his mouth and exclaiming “GROSS! Kissing is
GROSS, Nessa.”
Shane blinked a few times. He swore he could taste the grape kool-aid that Roy
drank earlier. His tummy felt a little funny and he wasn’t sure why. “Yeah,
gross,” he echoed softly.
“Just WHAT are you doing in here?!”
All of the kids spun around and looked up at Aida Haylock, halfway down the
stairs, arms crossed.
“Ummm, nothing Mama. We’re just playing Sound of Music,” said Liz.
“And why is Shane in a DRESS?”
“Well...Shane is Maria, so--”
“Shane, take that off right now. Elizabeth, I am very disappointed in you. You
should know better.”
Shane didn’t want to take off the dress, but shrank under Mrs. Haylock’s icy
glare and began to remove it.
Mrs. Haylock threw up her hands. “Not in front of the GIRLS, Shane! Go change
in the bathroom.” She shook her head and climbed back up the stairs.
***** 1988 *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     In this chapter, Shane and Roy are a year older, a year wiser, and
     ready for adventure.
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: GENERAL AUDIENCES
It was majestic to behold. Truly. The biggest, most beautiful blanket fort
anyone ever made. Shane had never been so happy. He dove inside and trailed Roy
through the long, dark tunnel, holding up the weak beam of his Fisher-Price
flashlight.
All of a sudden, Shane heard, “GILL! GILL, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, GET IN HERE RIGHT
NOW!”
Shane froze at the sound of Mummy’s voice and looked at Roy. Mummy sounded very
angry. His parents didn’t fight much, so when they did, it was a little scary.
“Coming darling!” he heard his dad’s voice, from farther away, as footsteps
approached.
“What in god’s name is going on in here?!” Mum cried.
“Oh, uh, the boys are playing.”
“YES I CAN SEE THAT GILL, WHAT IS THIS HIDEOUS MESS THOUGH?!”
Shane trembled, hugging his knees. Roy took his hand and held a finger to his
lips. Shane nodded.
“They built a fort. Tremendous, isn’t it?”
“WITH EVERY BLANKET IN THE HOUSE AND ALL MY LIVING ROOM FURNITURE?”
“Well...uh, you know how boys are.”
“You were supposed to be watching them, Gill!”
“I did watch them! I gave them lunch and everything. Soup and sandwiches, in
case you are--”
“THE EDWARDS ARE COMING OVER FOR DINNER, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE HOUSE
PRESENTABLE?!”
“Love, please calm down. I’ll help the boys clean up.”
“YOU BET YOUR ASS YOU WILL! RIGHT NOW!”
There was loud stomping as Shane’s mum left the room.
“Boys?” Gill ventured. “Sorry kiddos, time to dismantle this creation.”
Shane sniffled. He didn’t want to dismantle the fort. They had JUST finished
and hadn’t even gotten the chance to play in it. Why had he wasted so much time
lining up his stuffed animals on the side? He didn’t want Roy to think he was a
baby so he tried very hard not to cry.
“Come on,” Roy whispered, gesturing for Shane to crawl deeper into the fort.
“Boys, I’m serious. Please come out.” Gill began to pull the blankets off and
as light flooded over them, Shane burst into tears.
“I don’t think he wants to clean up,” Roy announced.
“I see. Come here, son,” Gill picked Shane up and held him in his arms. “Why
are you crying, love?”
Shane hiccupped. “B-because we didn’t get the chance to play at all!” he
wailed.
“I know, but wasn’t building it the fun part anyway?”
“No!”
“Okay, I’ll tell you what. What would you boys think about a real, permanent
fort? We could build one outside for you.”
Shane sniffled and wiped his eyes.
“Like a treehouse?!” Roy exclaimed delightedly.
“Sure! Why not? Maybe Roy’s pop can help us too. Whaddaya think?”
Shane nodded, a small smile creeping onto his face.
“Perfect! Now you go take these toys back to your room and put them away, then
come back and help me in here before your mother has another conniption.”
“Okay Daddy,” Shane said, sliding down to the ground and gathering up his
animals.
Gill grabbed a stack of sofa cushions that belonged in the family room and
carried them out with a wink.
“Your dad is cool,” Roy remarked, helping Shane with his animals and the
blanket from his bed.
Shane smiled at Roy, his heart filling with pride.
*****
The next day, their fathers held a summit and laid out plans for the treehouse.
There was a perfect spot for it in Roy’s backyard, and after they came back
from the lumberyard, the plans got a little bigger. What was the point of doing
it if it wasn’t going to be strong and sturdy and last for years?
First, Roy and Shane participated in the building. Very important things like
fetching water and holding hammers. But after a few hours, they wandered off
into the creek to catch frogs.
By Sunday afternoon, they had enough finished for Roy and Shane to actually
play on it - a large platform, ladder and trap door, a railing, and an open
frame.
Gill called the boys over to admire the grand looking structure. “We’re gonna
wrap things up for this weekend. Next Saturday we’ll start on the roof and
walls.”
Shane jumped up and down and squealed. Roy grabbed his hand and then ran over
to the side of the house, where he’d collected all of the toys that he and
Shane wanted to bring into the treehouse in an old laundry basket.
When Gill took a look inside the basket, he frowned. “What’s all this?”
Shane picked up a stuffed animal, “My animals, and Roy’s tea set.”
“Why on earth do you want all that?”
“It’s our house,” Roy reasoned, “We need pets. And dishes.”
Roy’s dad shook his head. “No, no, no, it’s a treehouse! You are BOYS!”
Gill grinned. “I think a trip to the toy store might be in order here.”
Shane looked at Roy and shrugged. They’d never pass up the toy store.
Two hours later, they returned, laden with pirate swords, water guns, camo
gear, and a wide array of Nerf products. Roy had also wheedled a little and
ended up with a bunch of new art supplies, including paint that he was gonna
use to cover the house in pictures once it was finished.
Roy’s dad used the basket and some ropes to fashion a pulley system for them to
get their toys up to the top, and then finally, they were left on their own to
play. Roy peered through a pair of binoculars.
“I think I see Alyssa’s house!” he yelled. “Isn’t that her swing set?”
Shane tried to look too, but even on his tip toes, he wasn’t tall enough to see
what Roy was pointing out. He went back to lining up his stuffed animals along
the railing. “Come help me feed the animals, before they get vicious and try to
eat Eddy.”
Roy laughed. His baby brother, a tiny preemie only a month old, would be a nice
snack for Shane’s teddy bear.
Over the next week, the treehouse became many things - a pirate ship, a zoo, a
fort, superhero lair, the headquarters for a very important, if slightly vague,
secret mission.
They launched a nerf attack on Roy’s sisters (mostly Lynn), who tried to siege
the treehouse in retaliation, but was felled by the big “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign
that Roy attached to the base of the tree. After some deep peace talks, it was
determined that Vanessa could come up, if she brought snacks.
Roy’s tea set, hidden beneath a pile of plastic weapons, came in quite handy to
serve the Kool-Aid and cookies that Vanessa snuck up for them. After all, even
Superman and Batman needed a tea break once in awhile.
***** 1989 *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     In this chapter, inspired by Shane’s glory as Mr. Tiny Tot, the boys
     make plans for a pageant in Roy’s backyard.
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: GENERAL AUDIENCES
Kim danced through the family room gleefully, waving around a blue piece of
paper. She stood in front of the TV, blocking the screen from Shane and Roy,
who squealed indignantly. “Guess who’s got her DRIVER’S LICENSE?!” she crowed.
Shane tried to match her level of enthusiasm. “That’s awesome, Kimmy!”
“I want to drive somewhere! Do you guys feel like some ice cream?”
Suddenly this driver’s license thing got a whole lot more exciting. They leapt
up from the couch. “YES!” Roy cried.
Shane clapped his hands and bounced up and down.
“Mum!” Kim called, “Can I take the boys out for ice cream? I’ll be so careful
and I’ll even pay myself! Please please please please!”
“Sure, darling,” Mum called nonchalantly from the kitchen.
Kim reached out for Shane, who raced over and clung to her hand. His big sister
was so cool.
In the ice cream parlor, Kim proved her coolness once again by letting them
order giant, sticky sundaes with all kinds of toppings. Shane and Roy twirled
on tall stools while Kim chatted up the lanky boy behind the counter. The boy,
Greg, handed her a flyer. “You’re so pretty, you should enter this.”
Kim’s eyes scanned the flyer. BAYOU DARLINGS BEAUTY PAGEANT was written across
the top.  “Oh, I don’t think so,” she laughed. “I get stage fright.” She
noticed the age brackets, and saw that they had a category for boys ages 6-12.
“My brother, though...hey Shanie! Check this out! We should enter you in this
pageant next month!”
She slid the flyer over to Shane, who rolled his eyes. “Pageants are silly,” he
proclaimed.
“What do you mean? You won the last time!”
“Yeah, I won, and all I got was a certificate and a sash. The girl who won got
a big sparkly crown.”
“You won a CAR!”
“Well, that’s what I mean. It’s silly. I don’t even drive.”
Kim shook her head. “You’re silly. You had lots of fun.”
“Yeah,” Shane admitted.
“What did you have to do?” ased Roy.
“Like, you walk around in different outfits and you make faces like this…”
Shane demonstrated his pageant faces.  A big wide smile, wink, finger guns…
Roy laughed hysterically. “They gave you a car for that?”
“Well and there’s talent. I sang ‘Let’s Go Fly a Kite’ from Mary Poppins. Some
people danced or did gymnastics or played an instrument. One girl did magic
tricks.”
“I love magic! I can do magic,” Roy exclaimed.
Kim looked at the flyer some more. “I don’t think there’s a talent category in
this one.”
“Well that is DUMB. That’s the most fun part!” Shane cried.
“No talent? So it’s JUST people making those crazy faces?” Roy inquired.
Shane shook his head. “I’m not gonna do that, Kimmy.”
“You know,” Roy said thoughtfully. “We could do our own. Like in the backyard.”
Shane’s eyes widened with joy. “Yes! That’s a great idea!”
Kim rolled her eyes. “You’re not gonna win a car in the backyard.”
“I don’t WANT a car! I want a CROWN!” Shane said, exasperated.
Roy cracked up. “Well then you’re gonna have to sing really well. Because my
magic is astounding!”
Shane giggled and stuck out his tongue, which was full of chewed up gummy
bears.
*****
Shane and Roy sat in the treehouse, grateful for the slightly overcast day
which cut down on the stifling, sticky summer heat. They were making flyers for
their pageant which they’d decided to call the CAMP HAYLOCK PAGEANT. Shane was
writing all the information and Roy was drawing designs on the bottom because
as Shane said, “you’re a much better draw-er than me.”
“I’m also a better speller,” Roy had reminded him.
Shane laughed and agreed, “Okay, you write the first one and I’ll copy it.”
They were going to have the show on Saturday in two weeks, which they thought
gave everyone plenty of time to come up with talent acts. Kim, Roy’s cousin
Jorge, and the other “almost grown-up” they knew from down the block, Carmen,
had agreed to be judges. Latrice, Roy’s hilarious and charming 15-year-old next
door neighbor and sometimes babysitter, agreed to be the Master of Ceremonies.
Now they were just trying to find more contestants. Roy’s sisters had already
agreed, although Shane wasn’t too sure of Lynn’s proposed talent of “throwing
mud balls at a target.” Roxy was gonna do ballroom dancing. Shane was confident
that they could convince Alyssa to join, although she was slightly skeptical,
explaining to Shane, “Um, I do real pageants. Like for money?”
Their idea was to hand out flyers to some other neighborhood kids and call up a
few classmates. Roy wasn’t worried about having enough contestants, he was more
concerned with having enough people in the audience. Especially after Shane’s
brilliant idea to “charge everyone watching 2 dollars each and then all that
money goes to the winner!” They also decided there would be an entry fee of
snacks or baked goods of some kind. Shane even convinced his mother to make
Rice Krispy Treats with real marshmallows and butter rather than the sugar-free
ones from the health food store.
Shane carefully copied Roy’s letters: “CAMP HAYLOCK PAGEANT! SATURDAY, JULY
24TH @ 2PM. HAYLOCK BACKYARD. SHOW OFF YOUR TALENT AND BEAUTY!!! WIN $$$!!! WIN
A CROWN!!! ENTRANCE FEE: SNACKS FOR OUR AUDIENCE!!!”
Below all of this caps-y enthusiasm was a paragraph about the talent
competition. Shane concentrated on making his letters small enough to give Roy
room for a picture below. He glanced over and saw the stars and crowns and
music notes, nodding appreciatively. “That looks great!”
“Thanks!” Roy said, and then handed him the one he’d just finished. “What do
you think of this one?”
Shane looked at the picture and broke out into a huge grin. “Is that us?!” he
asked hopefully.
“Yeah. See, I have a bunny and a cape because I’m doing magic. And you’re
singing. And you finally get your crown.”
The blond boy in the picture had a tall tiara on his head. He held a microphone
in one hand, and held hands with a brunette in a top hat and cape, holding a
magic wand and a rabbit. Shane looked up at Roy, who was already drawing on the
next flyer. “Can I...can I keep this one?” Shane asked in a small voice. He
felt heat creep into his cheeks. He knew that meant they were red and looked
down, embarrassed.
“Sure!” Roy replied, and smiled, dimples deep in his cheeks. “I’m glad you like
it.” He bit his lip and concentrated again on his drawing.
*****
Shane jumped down from the treehouse ladder and ran through the Haylock’s
backyard with a giddy smile on his face. “Hey Alyssa, I love your costume!”
“Thanks!” Alyssa shimmied, causing the spangles on her unitard to sparkle in
the bright sun.
Shane bit back a stab of regret that his own costume wasn’t sparkly at all, but
then saw Katya, the 10-year-old from 2 blocks over, stretching and nodded at
her, impressed. “Great splits, Katya!”
Katya grinned up at him. “Thanks, Shaney!”
He finally spotted Roy and Liz over by the folding tables, and waved
frantically. “Guys! Guys! Is the food ready?”
“Yeah, it’s ready. But Roy is being a weirdo and rearranging it again.”
“The big stuff has to go in the back! It looks better than way!”
Shane rolled his eyes. “Roy, come on. We need to let people in. I just checked
the front yard and guess what? There’s an audience!” Shane bounced up and down
excitedly.
“Okay, okay. Tell my mom to let people in. Is Kim still collecting tickets?”
“Yup, she’s ready!” Shane squealed and clapped his hands. “Here we go!”
*****
Shane tried to quiet his loudly thumping heart while he watched Alyssa on the
stage, twirling and kicking, dancing to “Material Girl.” She was really good.
Like as good as the kids Shane saw in “Annie” last Fall in the big fancy
theatre in New Orleans.
The audience, made of mostly their parents and extended families, along with a
few senior citizens from the neighborhood and some ladies from Shane’s mum’s
garden club and Roy’s mom’s church, clapped and cheered. Shane was glad that
she went first, although he worried that maybe now he wasn’t gonna be good
enough.
As Alyssa struck her final pose, her sisters and one of her brothers jumped to
their feet cheering for her. Latrice walked out on stage. “Let’s hear it for
Alyssa, our first contestant today! She’s only 7 years old, y’all, can you
believe it?! Great job, sweetie!” Alyssa curtsied one last time and left the
stage, waving at the judges and blowing a kiss at Jorge.
Liz was next, singing “Oklahoma!” and Shane was surprised by how pretty her
voice was, and how powerful. She was almost as loud as Roy when he screamed at
Lynn from the balcony of their treehouse.
The next contestant was 11-year old Roxy, Vanessa’s best friend, who showed off
some Latin ballroom moves to Gloria Estefan’s “Conga.” Her dance skills weren’t
as polished as Alyssa’s, but she was very charming and had lots of energy.
Then it was time for Roy and his magic tricks. He started with an easy one,
pulling a long string of scarves out of his pocket, and then set his hat on the
table to bring out the big guns - card tricks. Although in the middle of the
first one, he accidentally knocked the hat off of the table. “Oh, crap!” he
exclaimed.
A few of the adults grumbled and Carmen frowned, making a note on his
scorecard.
“Uh, I mean...shoot.” He grinned charmingly at the audience, flashing his
dimples, earning some laughter. Kim chucked and made a note as well.
He got through the next two tricks uneventfully, cracking jokes when he felt
like the audience was getting bored. At the end, he presented Latrice with a
large bouquet of fake flowers that used to be his magic wand.
“Why thank you, young man!” she exclaimed, as he bowed and waved. “That’s Roy,
everyone! Show him some love.”
“Thanks to all y’all, you’ve been a terrific audience. I mean except Mr. Carson
over there who’s sleeping. Bye, sir!”
He exited, wiping his brow, and shook his head at Shane. “Was it scary?” Shane
whispered.
“A little,” Roy admitted. “But I just did what Mrs. Madison told us for the
Spring Sing and pictured everyone in their underpants. Which...was kind of
gross so then I wasn’t scared.”
Shane laughed and turned back to the stage, where Vanessa was doing ballet to a
piece from Swan Lake.She was really working the stage and the dramatic music
was perfect for what Shane realized was their entire family’s hamminess.
Shane was up next. As the music ended, he took a deep breath. Latrice gave him
a very sweet introduction and the audience clapped as he walked out onstage.
His dad, who was manning the sound system (AKA Kim’s boombox), pressed play on
his tape. He sang out loudly and clearly, his favorite song from Oliver!
“Food, glorious food! Hot sausage with mustard!
While we’re in the mood, cold pudding and custard!”
He really tried to pretend that he was a starving orphan, eating nothing but
gruel, day in and day out. He sang as well as he could, and at the end of his
song, the audience gave him a huge round of applause that warmed him from his
toes to the top of his head.
He bowed and smiled as Latrice walked back onstage, putting her arm around him.
“Give it up for Shane! Our second youngest contestant. Isn’t he just precious?
Thanks, Shane!!”
Shane skipped offstage and, as Katya began her gymnastics routine, ran inside
to quickly change into his “outfit of choice” costume, which was a leather
jacket and cuffed jeans. Liz helped him slick his hair back.
“You look cool, Shane,” Roy remarked, straightening his own outfit, a very
fancy-looking suit jacket and tie, complete with a vest.
“Really? Thanks!” Shane said, blushing a little, hoping his cheeks weren’t as
red as they felt. “I like your suit.”
He finished getting ready after Katya’s routine was over, halfway through
Lynn’s much-anticipated “throwing mudballs” act. He and Roy snuck back out to
watch the end, surprised that Lynn turned out to be such a crowd pleaser.
The last act was Justin, who was 12, singing “Grandma Got Run Over By a
Reindeer.” It was a little weird but then again, so was Justin.
“Okay, thank you, Justin! That was...delightful, wasn’t it?” Latrice said.
“Alright now! Who is ready to see some outfits of choice?”
Alyssa stood offstage in a delicate ballet pose, waiting for her name to be
called. She walked out with poise and confidence, tossing kisses out to the
audience and the judges, turning gracefully, winking and generally having a
great time, in a ruffled blue and white dress.
“Man,” Roy whispered to Shane, “She looks like she’s done this a million times.
Think you can beat her...Mr. Tiny Tot?”
“I dunno,” said Shane. “Maybe? I don’t know.” Shane shook his head, thinking of
the huge glittering crown that his mother had found at the thrift store
downtown. It was covered in red and blue stars and it was basically the most
beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
Roy patted him on the back. “I think you can.”
The rest of the kids took their turns. The most scandalous moment came when
Roxy spun around and showed everyone her underwear. Which she claimed was an
accident but they matched her pink and red dress, so no one was too sure about
that.
Shane pranced around, adding in a move he saw Alyssa do, and of course his
finger guns. At the end, he slipped off his jacket and tossed it casually over
his shoulder. Kim grinned and winked at him, writing in her notebook.
At the end, Latrice told the audience to go get food on the patio while the
judges made their decisions.
Shane sat nervously at the bottom of the treehouse ladder, crumbling a cookie
in his hands. Alyssa stood beside him, munching nonchalantly on a Rice Krispie
treat. Roy approached them, frosting all over his face. He looked Shane up and
down quizzically.
“Why do you look so scared? It’s just for fun, right?” Roy asked.
“I...I know but...I really really like that crown,” Shane admitted.
After about 15 minutes, Latrice called everyone back to their seats. The
contestants lined up on stage.
The “judges” gave out a bunch of prizes, including “Best Smile” (which went to
Roy and his legendary dimples), “Most Creative Talent” (that was Lynn’s), and
“Best Hair” (Roxy). Alyssa looked a little peeved about that last one, but
broke into a huge smile again when she won the “Best Outfit of Choice” prize.
Shane was thrilled beyond measure to win the “Best Talent” and took Alyssa’s
hand. One of them was probably gonna win the whole thing.
“And the winner...Ultimate Grand Supreme of the first annual Camp Haylock
Pageant...is...Miss Alyssa Edwards!”
Alyssa let go of Shane’s hand and jumped up and down. The audience clapped.
Shane blinked back a tear, trying hard to keep smiling while he clapped for
Alyssa. It was just a silly backyard pageant, he wasn’t sure why he was so sad
about it.
“Let’s give a big round of applause to all our contestants!! Aren’t they
gorgeous?!” Latrice gushed, and the crowd continued to cheer.
Afterwards, Roy followed Shane when he saw him wander back to his own yard
across the street, sitting dejectedly in his tire swing.
“Don’t look so bummed out, Shane. You did great!”
Shane nodded. “Thanks.”
Alyssa and her big sister approached them a few minutes later. “Hey, Shane?”
“Hi Alyssa. Congratulations.”
“Thanks. Listen, do you...want to keep the crown?”
Shane swallowed. He DID but he didn’t win, so that wouldn’t be fair...would it?
“I mean I have a few crowns already and really, I was just in it for the cash.”
She fanned herself with the money and giggled. “I think it would look good on
you.”
“Um...I don’t...are you sure?” Shane’s voice was small.
“Yeah, totally.” Alyssa held the crown out to him.
He slipped off the swing and took the crown from her hands, giving her a big
hug. He looked down at it, touching the stars for about the 50th time that
month.
As Alyssa trotted away, Roy snickered. “Okay, well, now we know that your pouty
face works really well. Let’s see what else we can get!”
Shane stuck his tongue out at Roy and put the crown on his head. “Don’t be
jealous.”
Roy laughed. “What would I do with a crown?” He shook his head.
***** 1990 & 1991 *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     In this chapter, the boys are pranksters...and start to grow up a
     little.
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: MATURE
     CONTENT NOTES: Minors discussing sexual topics (though not engaging
     in sexual activities).
1990
Years later, they couldn’t remember whether the pranks or the walkies came
first. But what they both remembered, is that once they had them, the pranks
seemed to come fast and furious. That is, once Shane learned enough radio code
to satisfy Roy. (A constant source of exasperation was how he always forgot to
say “over.”)
There was also a long debate about their handles. Finally, they decided that
Roy would be “Raphael” (after the “cool but rude” Ninja Turtle) and Shane would
be “Morph.” Roy thought that was dumb because he was barely even ON X-Men but
Shane insisted, since “shape-shifting is the coolest power of all.”
So once that was all settled, it was time to put the walkies to good use. They
focused most of their attention on Lynn, who was extra surly that winter
because she’d just turned 12 and to her utter horror, was starting to grow
breasts. Vanessa, well on her way to a B-cup, was no help at all because she
just loved hers. She even let Shane try one of her lacy bras on, when her
parents were out at the movies one night. Roy rolled his eyes and pretended not
to look, slightly miffed that he wasn’t invited to play dress-up too, not that
he would ever have admitted it.
Anyhow, before Christmas break was over that year, Lynn had dealt with a
veritable plague - itching powder in her pajamas, paint in her shampoo, a bed
full of garbage. It was winter so they couldn’t find any frogs, but that plan
was definitely on the horizon. The third time Lynn flew downstairs, screaming
her head off, Roy was sent to bed at 6 with no supper, but it was totally worth
it. Besides, he still had his walkie so he was able to talk to Shane well into
the night.
“Raphael to Morph. Over.”
“I’m here.”
Pause.
“Hello?”
“YOU HAVE TO SAY OVER! Over.”
“Sorry.”
“Shane!”
“Sorry, OVER!”
“THANK YOU! So we need to figure out how we can get her next. Should we call
that boy in her class, Ryan? The one who makes her face turn all red? Over.”
“What would you say? Over.”
“Uhhh, I don’t know, that my sister has a crush on him. But I wouldn’t say who
my sister is. And we could record it and play it for her and she’ll go NUTS!
Over.”
“That seems a little mean. Over.”
“That’s the point! Over.”
“I mean, she’s your sister. And I guess she’s been pretty mean herself. Okay,
let’s do it.”
“...OVER?”
“Over.”
It was two days later when Aida caught on fully to their dastardly scheming,
and took the walkies away, to the boys’ despair. When Roy managed to wheedle
his way into getting them back a few weeks later, it was with the promise that
he would not be torturing his sisters any longer.
 
1991
Shane climbed into the treehouse on a hot, muggy night in early September. Roy
had already unrolled both sleeping bags, and sat on one of them, eating a bag
of doritos and cracking up at the book he was reading. He snapped it shut and
helped Shane up, taking the pillow from him and tossing it onto the green
sleeping bag beside him.
“Dude, Roald Dahl is such a sick motherfucker.”
Shane giggled, trying to cover how embarrassed he was by Roy’s filthy language.
“What are you reading?”
“The Witches.”
“That one scared me a little bit,” Shane admitted.
“Ha! You wuss.”
Shane stuck his tongue out at Roy and flopped onto the sleeping bag. “I liked
The B.F.G.”
Roy offered him some Doritos.
He reached into the bag gratefully. “Thanks. We had like, seaweed and tofu for
dinner.”
“Gross!”
“It wasn’t that bad. But I’m hungry again.”
“Your mom is so weird. Cool, but weird.”
Shane laughed. “I know.”
Roy handed over a Squeezit and a package of Hostess Snowballs, “She’d pass away
from shock if she knew what you ate at my house.”
“Oh, she knows. I have homemade granola, dried apricots, and a thermos of
carrot juice, to protect me from preservatives.”
Roy burst out laughing. “That is so disgusting.”
“I mean it’s not terrible. I’d just rather have a Squeezit.” He grinned.
“Who wouldn’t?! You could mix them together. Blue carrot juice.”
Shane giggled, “Now THAT sounds disgusting!” He wiped his mouth, which was now
blue.
“So, uh…” Roy cleared his throat. “I sort of, brought something from my
cousin.”
“Okay?” Shane bit into the snowball.
“I mean, it’s kinda...I don’t know if you’ll want to see it though.”
“What is it?”
“Um…” Roy hesitated, suddenly unsure of everything. The magazine was sort of
weird. Shane was only 9. And Roy was aware of the fact that he was more excited
by the idea of looking at it with Shane than the pictures themselves.
“Nevermind, it’s dumb.”
“Well, now you have to show me!”
“I just...maybe when you’re a little older.”
Shane crossed his arms. “I hate it when people say that. You’re supposed to be
my friend.”
“Yeah, but--”
“I’m not a baby,” Shane pouted.
“Okay, okay, fine!” Roy pulled the magazine out of his bag and threw it down in
between them.
Shane looked at it, eyes bugging out. “Is that...are there gonna be naked
people in there?”
Roy covered his face with his hands. “I told you you won’t want to see it.”
“Yes I do!” Shane picked it up, studying the cover. The woman on the front was
nude, but all her important parts were covered by writing, mostly headlines
promising “WET HORNY SLUTS!” and “TITS GALORE!” and what appeared to be an
important journalistic work entitled, “Fuck Me Daddy: The Krystalle Ammber
Story.”
Roy watched as Shane opened the magazine, his heart beginning to race a little
bit. Shane’s face was fairly impassive as he flipped slowly through the pages.
He’d periodically giggle and show something to Roy. Roy was getting
increasingly uncomfortable and regretted the whole situation. Was Shane into
this? What exactly was fascinating him? Why didn’t Roy have the same interest?
His heart pounded and his mind raced.
There was one page that Shane stayed on for a particularly long time. A redhead
lay on her back on a pile of hay bales, gingham shorts around her ankles. Her
legs were spread wide open and you could see her whole pussy. Her face was
partially obscured by be-ribboned pigtails and she appeared to be in the
process of lifting her top, revealing enormous fake boobs. “What…” Shane began
and then stopped.
“Yeah?” Roy was dying to know what Shane was thinking.
“I just wondered...it’s probably really silly, but...like...what do you
think...makes a girl want to DO this?”
“Lie on a pile of hay and take off her clothes?”
“No! No, I mean--nevermind.”
“What? Sorry, maybe I’m being dumb.”
Shane swallowed. “The...the girls. The actual girls. Why do they want to take
these kinds of pictures?” He closed the magazine and looked down.
“I don’t know. I mean maybe...maybe they like showing off. Or maybe...I don’t
know.”
“I kind of feel bad for them.”
Relief flooded through Roy’s body. “Yeah. So I mean...you don’t think the
pictures are like...I mean, did you think they were sexy?”
Shane thought for a moment. “I guess, I don’t know. I think they were
interesting. But then, when I started thinking about the girls, I--” he
stopped. “Did you? Think they were sexy?”
“Uh. I mean, maybe...maybe a few but...I don’t know, my cousin is always
talking about how fucking hot these girls are, and I just thought I
would...like it more.” Roy was grateful for his dark complexion because his
cheeks were burning.
Shane nodded. “Maybe we’ll like it when we’re older.”
“Yeah. He’s 12.” Roy was grateful for this explanation, but it didn’t exactly
explain why his heart thumped so loudly when Shane reached over him to grab his
backpack.
“Wanna play spit?” asked Shane. “I brought cards.”
Relieved, Roy nodded and settled back against his pillow while Shane dealt.
“Poor Krystalle Ammber,” Shane said, shaking his head.
Roy burst out laughing, his heart filling with warm happiness.
***** 1992 *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     In this chapter, things take a dark turn for Roy.
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: MATURE
     CONTENT WARNING: DISCUSSION OF DEPRESSION AND SEXUAL ABUSE
Dissociative. That’s what the therapist said he was. Roy didn’t know that word,
so he looked it up when he got home. He found it under the word “dissociate”
and after reading the definition, still didn’t totally understand. But what he
gathered is that she was saying that he wasn’t dealing with reality.
Why should he talk about reality? No one wanted to hear about his shame, about
his confusion, about his questions. All anyone wanted to hear was that there
was a Bad Thing and now he was getting over it. His parents were beside
themselves, especially his mother. All she kept saying over and over was, “Why
didn’t you tell us?” and no one seemed to be satisfied with the half truth of
his answers, “I didn’t really remember. I was confused.”
Because the truth was, even though he knew what happened was wrong, deep down,
at the time it didn’t feel as bad as maybe what everyone thought. And now he
felt so much shame. Why DIDN’T he say anything? What was wrong with him? How
did he let months go by without confiding in anyone? Why did he feel so utterly
alone?
Shane knew that something was very wrong. There were suddenly so many hushed
conversations. His mother was already affectionate, but now she was hugging him
and kissing him even more, asking if he was alright 7 times a day. But the most
unsettling part was that Roy seemed to completely disappear. He didn’t want to
hang out anymore, and when they walked home from school together, instead of
dawdling along and then lingering in one of their houses, Roy would walk fast
with his head down and then say a gruff goodbye, hurrying to his door. Some
afternoons, he didn’t even walk home with Shane, but instead got picked up by
his mother in her station wagon, and Shane knew they went somewhere because
they were never home for at least an hour and a half after Shane walked into
his own door.
One day in the middle of October, just as the air began to take on a chill,
Shane couldn’t take it anymore. As Roy turned to race up the walkway to his
front door, Shane grabbed him by the forearm and yanked him back.
“Hey!”
Roy turned slowly. “What?”
Shane opened his mouth but then he didn’t know what to say.
Roy sighed tiredly, like he was a hundred years old. “What is it, Shane?”
Shane averted his eyes and spoke softly. “How come you never want to hang out
with me anymore? Are you mad at me?”
“No.”
“Well, then...are you sick? Everyone keeps whispering and I never know what
they’re talking about.”
“I’m not sick.”
“Okay. So, what is it? Are you just tired of me? You don’t want to be friends?”
Roy looked up at the sky and closed his eyes. He pressed his lips together.
“Something happened.”
“What? What happened?”
Roy glanced towards the house nervously. “We shouldn’t talk here. Meet me in
the treehouse in 20 minutes.” He shook free of Shane’s grasp and sprinted
towards his house.
*****
Shane sat on the floor of the treehouse while he waited for Roy, impatiently
tapping his foot, gripping his knees so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
When Roy emerged from the trap door, he slammed it shut quickly and crawled
over to where Shane sat in the corner. He crossed his legs Indian-style and
looked into Shane’s eyes for the first time in what felt like weeks.
“Hi,” Shane said quietly.
“Hi.” Roy broke his gaze and stared at his hands in his lap. He didn’t know
where to begin.
“Are you sure you’re not dying?”
Roy looked up and saw that Shane’s green eyes were misty with tears. “I’m not
dying.”
“But you’re different.”
Roy bit his lip. “I guess so, yeah.”
“What happened?”
Roy took a deep, slow breath. “Remember Coach Garrett?”
“Yeah?”
Roy looked away again. “Well, he’s...not a good guy.”
Shane furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
“Well. Sometimes after games, he’d take some of us out for pizza or ice cream
or something. And then he would drive us home. Or...or he’d just give us rides
home after practice. Or...like he told my mom that I needed new cleats and that
he could take me to make sure they were the right kind...”
“Okay, that sounds kind of cool.” Shane still looked confused.
“Yeah. Yeah, it was, at first. But sometimes...sometimes he would like...I
don’t know. He’d sort of...touch me more than other grownups would. And like,
this one day, he asked me if I’d ever driven a car before. And of course I
hadn’t, so he said that he could teach me, and he’d do the pedals and I’d do
the steering. Which sounded pretty awesome, actually. So I got into his lap and
we drove around the parking lot by the field, and like, it was...it just felt
kind of wrong. I guess.”
“Well yeah, because you’re too young to drive.”
“No, that’s not...shit. Shane, I’m trying to tell you...you know, I guess I
thought that it was me. The reason it felt so weird. And after he stopped the
car, I moved to get off of his lap, and he like, held me there. Like...I mean
he didn’t hurt me or anything, but I just could tell that he didn’t want me to
move. So I just sat there, and he started talking about how I’m a great kid,
and he really likes me, and he wants me to trust him. And I didn’t really know
what he was talking about, so I just nodded and said okay. And his hands were
on my leg, and he had this weird expression on his face, and I--”
A cold shiver ran up Shane’s spine as something clicked in his mind.
Roy could see in Shane’s eyes that he was starting to understand. “So...yeah,
that was the first time. I guess. Even though...I don’t know, part of me just
thought I was crazy. And then after the next practice, he told my mom that he’d
take me home. But instead of driving to my house, he took me to this place, it
was like a bunch of deserted warehouses. And the whole drive, he was talking
about how I have this amazing future and I’m so talented and smart and he knows
I’m really special, and I deserve to be treated like I’m special. And then
after he parked, he kept talking like that for a little while, and started
rubbing my back with one hand, and then rubbing my leg, and then he...he bent
down and he...I…”
Shane’s eyes were wide with horror and full of tears. “Were you scared?”
“Yeah, sort of. But also sort of...I don’t know. I didn’t...I mean...” Roy
paused. This was the part that he’d never told anyone. The part he was afraid
to say before. And now he was so scared, so ashamed, that he wanted to stop.
But something about Shane’s expression told him that he could be trusted. “I
mean part of it...I guess it felt a little...a little good, too.” Roy closed
his eyes. That was a mistake. He was admitting that he was broken, that he was
messed up, that something was deeply wrong with him. Shane was going to hate
him. Shane would never want to be his friend again.
Shane leaned a little closer and whispered softly, “Can I...can I give you a
hug?”
It was that, the way he asked, that put Roy over the edge. The idea that Roy
would ever not want a hug from Shane was ludicrous, but him taking the time to
ask anyway touched him in a way that knocked the wind out of him. Tears spilled
down his cheeks and he nodded.
Shane kneeled up and wrapped his arms around Roy’s shoulders. Roy leaned his
head against Shane’s slim chest, suddenly feeling more at ease than he’d felt
in months. He began to cry, letting out the tears that he’d held in for so long
- in front of his parents, the police, the social worker, the therapist. He
clung to Shane and sobbed, the excruciating loneliness draining from his bones
as Shane patted his back. A warmth began to bloom in his chest and somehow,
that hurt even more.
His breath hitched as he tried to speak again. “I didn’t even tell. Someone
else told. Some other kid, I don’t know who. The police came to my house and
I...that’s when I told. And my mom keeps saying ‘why didn’t you say anything?’
and I don’t know what to tell her. What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing.”
Roy gasped for breath as he tried to get his sobs under control. “But why...I
knew it was bad and I just kept letting him...why didn’t I--”
“Because,” Shane offered. “Just because.” He rested his cheek on top of Roy’s
head.
“They keep making me talk about it over and over and I’m so...so tired of
talking about it. I just want to forget it happened.”
“I’m sorry,” Shane said, “I shouldn’t have asked you--”
“No, no, it’s okay. I should have talked to you in the first place, but I
thought...I felt bad. Like, why should you have to deal with my problems?”
“Because I’m your best friend.”
“Even though I’m a screwed up weirdo?”
“You’re not screwed up. You are kind of a weirdo, but you know, I am too.”
Shane grinned down at him, crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out.
Roy started to laugh and wiped his eyes.
“I think if you don’t want to talk about it, no one should make you.”
“Ugh,” Roy groaned, “Tell that to the stupid therapist my mom is making me see
twice a week.”
“I will!” Shane insisted. He looked so intense about it that Roy giggled again.
“I would, you know. I’d do anything for you.”
Roy sighed, and his shoulders sagged. “You’re the only one who’s not telling me
what to feel.”
“Well...you can’t make yourself feel differently. That’s dumb.”
Tears began to leak from Roy’s eyes again. “I’m so tired.”
Shane rubbed his back. “Do you want to sleep?”
Roy nodded.
“Okay.” Shane leaned his head back against the wall, and Roy sighed again and
laid down, his head against Shane’s thigh.
As Roy’s body began to relax, he had a twinge of guilt. Why did letting Shane
stroke his back feel so good? Was he taking advantage of his friend? He
sniffled and wiped his eyes on Shane’s jeans as sleep settled around him.
*****
Roy sat stiffly on the sofa in Dr. Patel’s office. She smiled at him in that
cryptic, infuriating way.
“How are you today, Roy?”
“Fine.”
“Is there anything you'd like to share?”
“No.”
“Nothing at all?”
Roy sighed. “I'm really sick of talking about this shit.”
“And what shit would that be, Roy?”
Roy gritted his teeth. “You know what I'm talking about. I don't want to talk
about Coach Garrett anymore. It doesn't help me.”
“Did I mention Coach Garrett?”
Roy glared at her.
“Roy, this is your time. We can talk about whatever you want. School, your
friends, your family...whatever is on your mind.”
Roy crossed his arms. “Oh really? Since when?”
Dr. Patel leaned forward. “I'm sorry if you got the impression that I am trying
to pressure you into talking about something. Your parents brought you here
because you went through something incredibly difficult. Maybe I assumed you
would want to talk about it.”
“Well I DON’T!”
“Alright.”
Roy pressed his lips together.
“Is there anything you DO want to talk about? Because if not, I can just do
some paperwork.” Another annoying smile.
Roy huffed, leaning back against the cushions. “Well that's quite a racket you
got.”
Dr. Patel laughed. “I suppose it is.”
“I mean I don't...really have anything to talk about.”
“Nothing, really?”
Roy hesitated. “Well. There's one thing.”
“Okay.” She sat back and looked at him.
“I don't know...if it's the kind of thing I should talk about here.”
“Why don't you try me?”
He looked up at the ceiling. “I guess I...I'm sort of in love with my best
friend.”
“Is this the friend that you--”
Roy burst out into nervous laughter. “I'm kidding, I don't know why I said
that. I'm not in love with him. That would be stupid.”
“Why would it be stupid?”
“Because! We're friends. Like...buds. Amigos. Anyway I don't have feelings for
him.”
“Okay. I hear you. But what if you did? How would you handle that?”
Roy made a disgusted face at her. “Handle it? Like what do you mean?”
“How would you feel? What would you do?”
Roy rolled his eyes. “I'd feel idiotic. And embarrassed. And I wouldn't DO
anything. He's my best friend and he's only 10.”
She nodded. “I see.”
“That's really annoying. Don't you have an opinion?”
“Sure I do.”
“Yeah, well?”
“I think you are very hard on yourself. Why do you think that is?”
“Because...I don’t know. Can we talk about something else now? How about my
annoying sister Lynn?”
“Roy, listen. Like I said, we can talk about whatever you want. But in order
for you to get the most out of this, it’s very important for you to know that
you can trust me. I will never repeat anything you tell me in here. Even to
your parents. It may not feel like it, but this is a safe place. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. So my sister Lynn is a total asshole. Yesterday, she tripped me
while we were clearing the table, and then I broke two glasses and my mom got
mad at ME for it…”
***** 1993 *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     In this chapter, Roy tries valiantly to support Shane’s new
     obsession, and then helps him face the unintended consequences at
     school.
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: TEEN AND UP
     CONTENT WARNING: GAY SLURS, BULLYING
In the summer of ’93, after watching “Newsies” for what seemed the hundredth
time, Roy couldn’t take it anymore. He’d liked the movie since that night his
mom rented it months ago and he, his sisters and Shane all sat in the living
room to watch it. But Shane loved it so much that by the end of the movie he
had decided he wanted to take dance lessons because he wanted to dance like the
boys in the movie.
After that, the obsession had begun and he had made Roy watch that movie every
single time it was his turn to choose.
He also asked his mother if he could start taking dance lessons and she agreed
to look for a studio where he could go. Especially after the whole baseball
fiasco a couple years ago, it was obvious that sports weren’t his strong suit -
 but the arts definitely were.
“When are you starting your lessons?” Roy asked as the credits rolled.
“Next week. Why?”
“That way you’ll become obsessed with something else and we can stop watching
Newsies.”
“We don’t see it that much,” Shane frowned.
“We see it every time you choose the movie.”
“I just love musicals.”
“You know I do too, but if you make me see it one more time…”
“Shut up,” Shane laughed, and threw a cushion at him.
*****
The day of his first lesson, Shane and his mother arrived a few minutes early
and as he changed into the respective dance attire that consisted of fitted
white t-shirt, black tights and of course the ballet shoes. He felt his whole
body buzzing with a mix of excitement and nerves as he stepped into the studio
for the first time.
He noticed there were mostly girls in the class and only one other boy, all
around his age. He didn’t care that there weren’t more boys; he was used to
being around girls all the time. At school all of his friends were girls. Roy
was the only exception because most of the boys in his class were kind of
douchey to him.
Shane watched as two dark skinned tall women walked in and all the other kids
sat down so he followed them. The taller woman smiled warmly at them and
started talking.
“Hello everybody and welcome to Beyond Belief. My name is Miss Sahara Davenport
and my partner is Miss Trinity K. Bonet. Beyond Belief is one of the greatest
dance academies in the state. We’re very serious and dedicated about our work
and we expect the same from our students. I’ll be your ballet teacher and Miss
Bonet will be your jazz teacher.”
“Our classes are not only great fun but also will be very rewarding because
you’ll be able to show your progress in our recital this autumn. And the best
students of each class will get a solo performance so work hard and you’ll
succeed.”
Shane listened to them, fascinated by the way his new teachers talked about
dancing and how much passion they showed for what they did. It made him more
excited to start and even more determined to be the best of the class and get
that solo, he needed to prove to himself that he could do this.
“Okay students, let’s start. Today we’re going to begin with some exercises to
stretch and strengthen your feet. Please sit making a circle.” All the kids
followed Ms Davenport’s instructions, copying her movements. And as the lesson
went on they gradually used all the different parts of their bodies from legs
to arms to shoulders and head.
Then they moved to some exercises holding onto a wooden beam that Ms. Davenport
told them was called a barre. First, Ms. Davenport would show them the
movements and then she would walk around the class to make sure everyone was
doing it the right way or to correct the mistakes.
“Good job students, that’s going to be all for today. But before you go two of
our advance dancers have prepared a short presentation to show you what you
could do if you apply yourselves. Please give a big round of applause to Alyssa
and Jay.”
Shane smiled, happy to see a familiar face. He’d known Alyssa for years, from
school and the neighborhood. During their performance he watched with wide eyes
as they danced and did the pirouettes he had only seen in movies. When they
finished their routine he applauded and cheered with the rest of the class.
“You’re new here,” Shane heard someone say behind him as he got ready to leave.
“Hi, I’m Jay Jackson.”
“Hi, I’m Shane.” He smiled. “Is it so obvious I’m new?”
“Well yeah, since you’re the only other boy besides Jay,” answered a girl. “I’m
Shangela by the way.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“So how did you decide to start dancing?” Jay asked
“I loved a movie and wanted to dance like the guys in it.”
“What movie?”
“Newsies,” he felt his cheeks burn, he didn’t know why but he felt kind of
embarrassed admitting that.
“That’s one of my favorite movies too!” Shangela high fived him.
“Hi Shanie,” Alyssa joined them. “Did you like your first class?”
Shane nodded eagerly.
“By the way, I loved your presentation,” Shane said to Jay and Alyssa. “How
long have you been dancing?”
“Since we were five, we started together,” Alyssa answered then they heard a
car’s horn. “That’s your dad, Jay.”
“Let’s go, girls,” he said. “See you next class Shane.”
“Bye Shane!” Alyssa and Shangela said in unison and the three of them left.
He couldn’t wait to tell Roy all about his class and his new friends, a part of
him still wished he could have convinced him to take the dance classes with him
but he respected his decision. Roy disliked dancing as much as Shane disliked
playing sports.
*****
Roy placed the book he was reading on his lap and looked at the digital watch
on his wrist. Shane was thirty minutes late. This was becoming a habit for him.
They were supposed to have a sleepover but there was no sign of him anywhere.
Since Shane’s dance teacher told him he would be doing a special number with
Jay at their recital, Shane had been spending more and more time at the dance
studio which meant that Roy barely saw him.
He was about to go back inside when Shane appeared through the trapdoor.
“I know I’m late. I’m so sorry”
“I thought you had forgotten”
“Never… I just lost track of time, I was at…”
“The dance studio, I guessed that already,” Roy grumbled.
“Are you mad at me?”
Roy sighed. “It's fine, just let me know next time.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I stayed longer practicing my pirouettes with Jay and Alyssa.
They’re helping me so much. Especially Jay.”
“Really?”
“Yes gawd! He’s like a younger version of Miss Davenport. He’s so strict and
wants every movement to be precise but I’ve learned a lot from him.”
Roy rolled his eyes. He was tired of listening to Shane talk about Jay and how
amazing he was.
“Did you know he’s been dancing since he was five. He knows a lot. He’s
sickening.”
“Sickening? What the fuck?”
“Sorry, that’s something Jay always says when something is amazing. I guess it
just stuck with me.”
“It sounds stupid.”
Shane frowned. “Why don’t you like him?”
“Who says I don’t?”
“I know you, Roy. The few times you’ve seen him you have been quite mean to
him. But you’re always super nice to Alyssa and Shangie.”
“Well, the girls are a hoot and he’s an annoying twat.”
“He’s really nice; you just need to get to know him and you’ll become friends.”
“I doubt it. I can’t stand his loud, high pitched voice.”
“Give him a chance. Please?” Shane batted his lashes at him and pouted a bit.
“It would be nice if my best friend and dance partner could stand each other.”
He never stood a chance against Shane’s green eyes and pouty lips. He looked
adorable and Roy hated himself a little for thinking that way. Shane only
wanted his friends to get along and there he was, only being able to think
about how cute Shane was. What was wrong with him?
Roy sighed. “Fine, but I can’t make any promises.”
Shane smiled and hugged him. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
 
*****
It was the day of the recital and Shane was pacing backstage trying to calm his
nerves. He didn’t know why he was so nervous; he had already danced in the
first group number and everything turned out great but now that he was waiting
for the other numbers to finish he could feel knots forming in his stomach.  
He peeked from behind the curtains and saw his parents sitting in the front row
along with Roy, while Roy’s family sat in the row behind.
Roy noticed him and sent him a bright smile, flashing his dimples and a thumbs
up, making him feel a little bit calmer.
He sent him a shaky smile as he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Jay’s
voice. “We’re next. Are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Shane said. He hoped his nerves would disappear the
second he was back on the stage.
“You’ll be amazing, Shane. Trust me, you can practically do this in your
sleep.” Jay hugged him and said, “Let’s wow them!” then rushed to the other
side of the stage to wait for their cue.
They got to their places, crouching behind their boxes as the presenter
announced their number and Shane felt the knots in his stomach tighten again.
The curtain was drawn open and the music started.
Roy saw Shane appear from behind a box, his stage smile already on his face and
he sent him an encouraging one hoping that it’d calm his friend’s nerves.
Shane’s parents and Roy’s sisters cheered loudly and he saw Shane’s nervousness
fade away as a confident smile appeared while the choreography progressed.
Roy thought Shane looked cute, beautiful even. His movements fluid and graceful
as he danced around the stage. To Roy he looked like a pro, his movements so
elegant and effortless. He couldn’t believe Shane had only been dancing for a
few months because to him it looked like the boy had been doing this all his
life.
Suddenly Shane was sliding down until he was hiding behind the box again and
everyone erupted in applause, getting to their feet cheering loudly again. Was
it already over? It felt so short, but Roy stood up too and clapped, beaming at
his friend as they appeared again, walked to the front of the stage and taking
a bow before the curtains closed again.
A couple minutes later they heard the presenter’s voice again, this time
announcing “a breathtaking performance from this year’s winners of Seattle’s
International Dance Festival, Alyssa Edwards and Jay Jackson.”
When their special performance finished and the presenter announced the end of
the recital, Roy didn’t wait for anyone and rushed backstage to find Shane. He
looked around and found him surrounded by the other dancers, all smiles as the
other girls congratulated him. A few seconds later Shane noticed him and
excused himself as he made his way to where Roy was and Roy hugged him when he
reached him. Roy’s arms slid around Shane’s waist, hugging him tightly as he
whispered in his friend’s ear, “That was amazing. You were amazing, Shane”
They stayed like that for a little while and they were so immersed in their own
little world that they didn’t notice someone’s gaze fall on them and that
person’s eyes narrowing the longer they hugged.
He shook his head, ducking behind the wings to go find the rest of his family,
muttering to himself, disgusted by those two and the sick feeling he got inside
seeing the way they held onto each other.
“Shanie, baby.”
Shane and Roy broke apart when they heard the voice of Shane’s mom. The big
grin on Shane’s face getting even bigger as more and more people congratulated
him and told him how good his performance was. He looked so proud and Roy
couldn’t have been happier for him. And then he was especially happy when
Annette, Shane’s mom, announced that she was lifting her usual ban on junk food
and letting them all join the Edwards’ at the ice cream place down the block
for celebratory sundaes.
*****
On Monday after school, Shane chatted with Alyssa on their way to the bike
racks. He dawdled a little while he waited for Roy. The Junior High was 3
blocks away and Roy always, without fail, rode by to accompany Shane home. It
sucked being in different school this year, but they were handling it pretty
well.
Shane noticed when he spotted Roy that he wasn’t alone. Jared and Logan, two of
Alyssa’s brothers, were practically on his tail. Shane had always been a little
nervous around those boys. They were big and rough and a sort of scary.
Shane waved to Roy and hopped on his bike, riding towards him.
“Hey, Jenek!” yelled Logan.
Shane stopped his bike and turned around slowly.
“We saw you on Saturday, dancing with our sister. What the fuck, dude?”
Shane’s cheeks began to heat up. He didn’t know where this was headed, but he
knew it was nowhere good. Roy bristled beside him. “So what, Logan? Who gives a
shit about what he does?”
“I mean, I don’t, except I don’t really get it. Why do you want to dance with a
bunch of girls? Are you a fucking faggot or something?”
Roy rode up to Logan. “Leave him alone, or I’ll knock your goddamn lights out!”
Logan, who had 25 pounds on Roy, looked him up and down. “Oh yeah? You’re gonna
defend your little boyfriend?”
Jared was hanging back, but at this he laughed. He was in 8th grade, one year
older than Roy and Logan, and even bigger than his brother.
Logan took a step closer, looking down at him with disdain “What are you gonna
do, Haylock?”
Roy gulped, all of a sudden he didn’t feel so brave.
“I said, what are you gonna do about it, faggot?”
“FUCK YOU LOGAN!” Roy yelled.
Logan’s eye narrowed as he gripped his shirt, ready to hit him when Shane
yelled, “Principal Andrews!”
Logan let Roy go, turning around as Roy said, “Shane, GO!”
They rode their bikes home as fast as they could, speed the one thing on their
side as they tried to escape from the dickhead Edwards boys. The last thing
they saw was their furious faces after they realized they had been played.
Finally, after the longest 5 minutes of Shane’s life, they reached his house,
throwing their bikes behind the gate and racing into the house through the
kitchen, gasping for air.
“Jesus, that was...fuck,” Roy breathed.
Adrenaline fading, the impact of the exchange started to hit Shane for the
first time. He looked at Roy, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. “Why...why
would he say that?”
Roy put an arm around his shoulders. “Because he’s an asshole. That’s why.”
“But...but I’m not. I’m not a faggot. I’m NOT!” Shane covered his face with his
hands and broke down, sobbing.
Roy heaved a sigh and put his arms around Shane, holding him close, letting him
cry on his shoulder. “I know you’re not.” He rubbed Shane’s back, shame burning
his cheeks, holding back tears of his own, tears that he knew were there for an
entirely different reason. He knew how he felt, and it was fairly obvious that,
despite the occasional glimmer of hope, Shane didn’t feel the same way.
“Boys?” Annette walked through the door to the kitchen. “What’s going on?”
Roy leapt away from Shane guiltily, and said, “Nothing! I mean...um…”
Shane wiped his eyes. “A kid at school was a jerk today, that’s all.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, love! Who was it? Should I have a chat with their mother?”
“N-no. That’s...probably not gonna help. I’m fine, I just…” Shane’s breath
hitched.
“I should probably go,” Roy said, and started to leave, his head down.
“Wait, Roy!” Shane followed him.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you,” Shane said, giving him another quick hug.
“Yeah, of course…” Roy mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed and weird. “See
you tomorrow.”
***** 1994 (Part 1) *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     In this next part, some long-repressed feelings get revealed, and the
     results are both wonderful and awful.
Chapter Notes
     RATING: MATURE
     WARNING: UNDERAGE SEXUAL ACTIVITY
It was late in July, after Roy turned 13, that everything changed forever. He
still, deep inside, harbored those feelings for Shane. Those “more than a
friend” feelings that made him ashamed and disgusted with himself. How could he
feel this way about his best friend? Why did stupid hormones have to ruin
everything? And lately they’d gotten so much worse. Because now every time they
were together, Roy was hyper-aware of Shane’s body. When he’d accidentally
press against him reaching over to grab something…when he would get excited and
throw his arms around Roy’s shoulders…even when he would kick him under the
table for saying something offensive. Roy was in hell. He could smell the
pheromones on his own body and he worried that Shane could, too.
One afternoon, they lounged languidly on the floor in the treehouse, the trees
at least providing some relief from the stifling heat of the late afternoon.
Shane lazily flipped pages in a magazine, reading Roy snippets of articles
about movies or TV. 
Roy groaned. “It’s awful out here. Why don’t we go inside?”
“My mum said we should stay and play out here until dinner.”
“Play? Your mom treats you like you’re 4, you know.”
Shane punched Roy playfully in the arm, and Roy shoved him back, grinning. “Oh,
really?” Shane challenged, and started tickling Roy. The contact was almost
unbearable and Roy tried pushing him away. They quickly got into a sort of
friendly wrestling match, struggling for dominance. Finally, Roy managed to pin
Shane to the floorboards. 
He hovered over him, breathing hard, sitting on his thighs and holding his
wrists above his head. Shane looked up at him, still with that challenging
smirk on his face. God, when did he get so cute? Impulsively, Roy leaned down
and kissed him, pressing their lips together, rubbing his thumb against the
soft skin of Shane’s wrist. It was, all things considered, a rather chaste
kiss, but nonetheless, Roy guiltily pulled away after a second to look at his
friend and assess the damage.
Shane looked shocked. His chest heaved. “Roy, what are you–”
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, that was dumb, I’m an idiot,” Roy released Shane from
his grasp and rolled away, putting his head in his hands. “I don’t know why I
did that. I’m so sorry.”
Shane nodded and swallowed hard. “I…think I’m gonna go back inside.” His
stomach was doing somersaults. “See if my mum needs any help finishing dinner.”
“Okay,” Roy said softly, still avoiding eye contact.
Shane lifted the trap door and started to climb down the ladder. He paused for
a moment. “Hey, Roy?”
Roy lifted his head and looked mournfully into Shane’s eyes. “I’m really sorry,
Shane.” 
Shane opened his mouth to speak but no words made sense. His feelings were
jumbled up in a confusing ball. “Uh…nothing, I…I’ll see you.”
As he disappeared from sight, Roy flopped back against the floor and sighed,
filled with self loathing. Why did he do that? Why did he have to fuck
everything up?
*****
The next day, Roy woke up with a nagging emptiness. He slowly got himself out
of bed and dressed for the day, barely touching his eggs at breakfast.
“What crawled up your butt?” Lynn asked, and Roy flashed her a dirty look.
He pushed his chair up from the table, carrying his plate to the sink and
mumbling that he was going out. 
He knocked on Shane’s door, shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot.
When he asked to speak to Shane, Annette told him that he was still in bed. Roy
knew that was next to impossible. Shane had always been the one to spring out
of bed at the crack of dawn, while Roy would sleep until noon if no one banged
on his door yelling that breakfast was ready.
He hung his head. “Can you tell him…I’m sorry? When he wakes up?”
Annette looked at him curiously, tilting her head in concern. “Did you boys get
in a fight? He was in a very strange mood yesterday.”
Roy nodded, swallowing back tears. “Yes, ma’am. Please tell him I was wrong.
And I’m really, really sorry.”
Annette pulled Roy in for a big, warm hug. “Alright darling, I promise I’ll
tell him. And don’t worry. Shane can’t stay angry with you. He adores you too
much.”
Roy struggled not to cry in her arms, and after a few more moments, he
detangled himself and said, “Okay, well, thank you.”
He trudged back across the street, and once he got to his bedroom, he flung
himself down and hugged a pillow tightly to his chest.
*****
Shane lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. His mind had not stopped reeling
since yesterday. He was desperate to talk to Roy, but terrified. 
Roy had been his best friend for as far back as he could remember. To Shane,
Roy was the person in his life that he could always count on, no matter what.
He always just sort of thought that the deep, heart-bursting love he felt for
Roy was a normal part of being best friends. And then Roy kissed him.
Shane couldn’t wrap his mind around it. There was no doubt that Roy was his
favorite person on the planet, but he had never thought about him like…he tried
to think back. Shane had noticed that they seem to hug each other more than
other boys. He remembered the way Roy held him after Logan called him a
“faggot” last year. Or how sometimes, if they were watching a movie, he would
rest his head on Roy’s shoulder. Was that…not a normal thing for friends to
do? 
Shane thought about the kiss itself. Roy’s lips were soft and full and gentle.
His thumb had stroked Shane’s left wrist, almost imperceptibly. Shane touched
his wrist where Roy had. That feeling was back, that sick, slightly tingly
feeling that Shane didn’t know how to process.
He tried taking a deep breath. He knew that he’d put things off long enough,
and sat up, trying to figure out what he was going to say to his friend.
*****
Roy dozed fitfully, tossing around on top of his covers, tangled up in them. He
bolted up at the sound of a timid knock on his door. That could only be one
person. Everyone in his family would have banged violently, or not knocked at
all.
“Come in,” he said.
Shane entered the room and shut the door behind him. “Hi.”
“Shane, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m–”
Shane closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Are you sorry because of how I
reacted? Or…are you sorry because you regret it?”
“I’m sorry because…I feel like I broke some kind of trust and I really…want you
to trust me. You’re my best friend.” His cheeks were burning hot. Did he regret
it? Not really? Not unless…they can’t get past it.
“But do you regret it?” Shane’s green eyes were wide and soft. Inscrutable. 
Roy cleared his throat, fidgeting madly. “I…Shane, please. I’m just sorry.”
Shane looked into his face intently. There was something fearful and crushed
about the look in his eyes. He walked towards the bed and sat down. In a small,
hopeful voice, he said, “I don’t think I want you to be sorry.”
Roy’s heart leapt into his throat. Shane lifted his hand and slowly, with the
back of his fingers, touched Roy’s cheek. He leaned in and brushed his lips
against Roy’s.
This kiss was very different from the last one. This kiss was slow, deliberate.
Roy was almost afraid to move but then he finally put his hands on Shane’s
waist and pulled him in closer. They explored each other’s mouths. Shane licked
softly at Roy’s lips and Roy parted his mouth, letting his tongue inside. Roy
could taste the orange juice Shane just drank as Shane rubbed their tongues
together. Stars exploded behind his eyes and his breathing became shallow. He
put everything he’d ever felt for Shane into that kiss…every guilty thought,
every passing whim, the deep love that had grown between them over the years,
and that would never be broken.
Slightly dazed, Shane leaned his forehead against Roy’s. He was out of breath,
clutching Roy’s shirt by the scruff. Roy gazed at him with wonder. “You…really
want this?”
Shane nodded and breathed in slowly. Roy wrapped him up in a hug, and Shane
buried his face into his thick hair. They stayed that way for a while, holding
each other tightly, listening to their heartbeats. When Roy lifted his head to
look at Shane, he saw that there were tears on his cheeks. 
Roy kissed his cheeks , cradling his face. Shane smiled at him and pulled him
in for another kiss while he threaded his hands into Roy’s hair. This one was
deep and passionate, and Roy could feel the blood surging through his veins. 
Shane whimpered slightly against his mouth and crawled in closer, straddling
him on the bed, gripping his hair. Roy’s hands slid into the pockets of his
shorts, cupping his butt. When Shane ground down into Roy’s crotch, he felt
sparks shooting through him again, and started to get lightheaded.
It was at that moment when Roy’s bedroom door flew open and Aida burst in,
shrieking loudly at the sight of them. Shane gasped and cowered against Roy,
who felt a surge of guilt that his first instinct was to push Shane away from
him. Instead he held him tighter. “Mom–”
“DON’T SAY A WORD!” Aida lunged forward and grasped Shane by the upper arm,
dragging him off the bed and out the door. Roy got up to follow but the
withering glare from his mother made him shrink back guiltily.
*****
Aida pounded on the door angrily. When Annette answered, Aida yelled, “Do you
know where I found your son?!”
She let go of his arm as Shane hurried inside, behind his mother. “Shane, love,
please go to your room so that Mrs. Haylock and I can speak.”
Shane nodded miserably and left the entryway. 
“So what’s the problem, Aida? What did he do?”
“I found your son climbing on top of my boy, kissing him!”
“Clothed?”
“Yes, clothed! Thank GOD! But who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t
interrupted. They were kissing IN ROY’S BED!”
“And you’re surprised by this? You’ve never noticed the way they look at each
other?” Annette asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Do you have any idea what Roy has been through in the last few years?! He
doesn’t need anyone confusing him any more!”
“Aida, with all due respect, I doubt this was all Shane’s idea. And as long as
they keep their pants on, I really don’t see the issue–”
“I cannot believe what I’m hearing! They are CHILDREN!” Aida screeched.
“Exactly! They are probably just curious and–”
“That attitude is exactly why Shane thinks it’s okay to do what he did. I don’t
care what you think. I will not let Roy be taken advantage of to satisfy his
‘curiosity.’ Tell him to stay away. I have to protect my son.”
“And you think keeping them apart from each other will do that?”
“YES! Yes, I do, and you don’t have to agree with me but you will respect that
decision,” Aida turned on her heel and stomped back across the street.
Annette sighed tiredly and closed the door. She rounded the corner and found
Shane sitting on the floor, hugging his knees, tears streaking down his face.
She knelt down in front of him.
“I don’t–I’m sorry, mum, but I–I love him!” he sobbed.
“Shh, darling it’s alright. I know.”
“I think maybe..maybe he loves me too.”
“Well of course he does, love. Of course he does. How could he not?” She
gathered him into her arms and held him, letting him cry against her chest.
*****
Shane’s parents made a decision that night. Gill had been weighing a great job
offer in California and they thought that the change of scenery would do the
whole family good. 
They told Shane the next morning, and he broke down in hysterics. Annette held
him again and told him that California would be exciting and new and maybe he
would make friends he loved even more than his friends in Louisiana. He and Roy
could still write to each other, and maybe someday, if they stay in touch, they
could have another chance. 
That night, Roy sat at his window, staring out miserably. Suddenly he saw a dim
figure moving, and he realized that Shane was climbing out his window and down
the tree beside his house. He held his breath, praying that he wouldn’t fall.
Shane dashed across the street and climbed the trellis on the side of Roy’s
house. Roy stepped out his window onto the roof and grabbed his hand when he
got to the top, pulling him up.
They sat down beside each other. Roy held out his hand and Shane clutched it. 
“I missed you,” Roy whispered.
Shane nodded, fighting back tears. “Roy, I have…I have bad news.”
Roy’s heart sped up. “Worse…than that we can’t see each other? Except in
secret?”
Shane nodded again, struggling not to cry. “My parents…well my dad…he took a
new job. In California. And we…we’re gonna be moving.” The tears then spilled
down his cheeks.
Roy’s blood turned to ice. “You’re moving? Across the whole country?”
Shane cried, pressing his face into Roy’s neck. “I hate them, I hate all of our
parents. I don’t want to go.”
Roy was flooded with feelings of guilt and anger. He hated himself more than he
ever had. Why the fuck did he kiss Shane in the first place? Maybe if he had
more self control, everything would be fine now. His mother wouldn’t have
freaked out, they wouldn’t have to sneak around, and he and Shane could have
gone on spending every day together. His stupid need for physical contact
ruined everything. He wrapped his arms around Shane and kissed his hair.
Shane lifted his face and looked at Roy woefully. He leaned in and kissed him,
a desperate anxiety-filled kiss, like it was the last one they would ever
have. 
Roy kissed Shane back, feeling tears on his own cheeks now too. They had seen
each other nearly every day since they were 5 years old. How were they supposed
to get through school without each other? Last year was bad enough, with Shane
in sixth grade and Roy in the junior high several blocks away. Who would help
Shane when he was struggling with math? Who would defend him when some punk
kids tried to pick on him? Who would calm Roy down and make him laugh after he
fought with Lynn? Why was everything awful?
“I love you, Roy. I love you so much. I will never stop loving you, no matter
where I live or what I am doing. Do you…do you love me, too?”
Roy nodded, too overcome to speak. He nuzzled the side of Shane’s face, sobs
wracking his body.
“I will love you forever,” Shane whispered.
Roy couldn’t seem to get enough oxygen. His heart pounded so fast, he could
feel it hammering in his ears. How would he exist without Shane? How would he
go on? Shane knew things about him that he had never told anyone else. And he
still loved him. He would never find that again. It felt like his entire world
was coming crashing down.
Shane rubbed his back, his own pain forgotten as he rocked Roy against him. “I
love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated into Roy’s ear. 
They stayed there together for hours, holding each other, talking about
everything and nothing. When the first rays of sunlight started filtering
through the trees, Shane lifted his head from Roy’s shoulder and rubbed his
eyes. Both of them were slightly damp with dew, and despite the night air being
warm, Shane still shivered a little.
“Don’t say it, I know you have to go,” Roy whispered hoarsely.
“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Shane said.
Roy nodded. “Come back again tonight. Or even better, let’s meet in the
treehouse. I’ll call you on the walkie when it’s clear.”
“Okay,” Shane smiled, “I knew those things were gonna be good for something
besides torturing Lynn and Vanessa.”
“Check the batteries when you get home,” Roy advised.
Shane nodded, leaning over to kiss Roy on the cheek one last time, then he
slowly and carefully climbed back down. Roy waited until he was safely inside
his bedroom before he crawled over to his own window.
***** 1994 (Part 2) *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     Hormones are raging in the Treehouse of Denial…
Chapter Notes
     RATING: Mature
     WARNING: Underage sexual activity
Roy spent most of the day in bed, miserable and lonely. He refused to go
downstairs for breakfast, or lunch, and finally around 6, Aida threw open his
door and called, “Enough! No more self pity! You will eat dinner with the
family and you will smile and you will talk to us, and that is THAT.”
She yanked back Roy’s covers and he whimpered pitifully. “Leave me alone! This
is all your fault!” He curled into a tight ball.
Aida sighed and sat beside him on the bed. “You are barely 13, Roy. I’m sorry
that you feel bad right now, but I am not going to stop trying to protect you.
I…” she choked back tears, “I didn’t protect you 2 years ago, and I will never
forgive myself for that. I’m not going to make the same mistake again.” She
gently laid a hand on his forehead.
“It’s not the same!” Roy wailed.
“No, but it’s…similar. You are too young for this. I’m sorry, mijo. I’m sorry
you are sad but you’ll see, it’s much better this way.”
Roy covered his head with a pillow and pressed it against his ears. Aida took
her hand away and, with one more glance back towards her son, left the room,
closing the door gently behind her.
*****
“Coast is clear. Over,” Roy said into his walkie. He prayed that Shane had it
nearby.
“10-4, coming.”
Roy waited a beat.
“…Over.”
Roy smiled. He went about arranging everything from his duffel bag - the
sleeping bags, unfolded and spread out on the floor, pillows that he fluffed up
since they’d been crushed, some sodas and chips he’d stolen from the cupboard
after everyone went to sleep. 
His heart lurched a few minutes later upon seeing that blonde head appear over
the trap door. Shane crawled up into the treehouse and tossed a large backpack
to the floor. He then launched himself at Roy, kissing him almost violently,
lying down beside him on top of the sleeping bags, clutching Roy’s shirt. Roy
started to feel that pressure build up in his abdomen again and arched towards
him. His hands were tight around Shane’s hips and soon he was breathless and
dizzy again. He pulled back a little to stare into Shane’s green eyes, which
were dark and shining in the moonlight.
“Hey,” Roy breathed.
“Hi,” Shane giggled softly.
Roy grinned, running his hands through Shane’s silky blonde hair. “You are so.
Fucking. Cute.”
Shane bit his lip and slid a hand up Roy’s chest to poke gently at his dimples.
Roy caught his fingers and kissed them. “You’re the cutest,” he countered, eyes
glittering.
Roy kissed the top of his head. “Let’s get under the covers. You must be tired.
We barely slept last night, and I know you can’t sleep during the day.”
Shane let Roy pull the top sleeping bag down and around their bodies, and
watched him set the portable alarm clock. Shane drew Roy back against him,
snuggling tightly against his warm body.
Roy held him that way all night, sleeping more soundly than he had in years.
When the alarm went off at 5 am, Shane slapped it off and roused Roy gently.
Roy groaned.
“I know. Me too,” Shane said.
“I don’t want to let go.”
“Me neither.” Shane pressed his face into Roy’s chest. “Let’s meet again
tonight, yeah?”
“You bet.”
*****
They somehow found a way to slog through the days apart, living completely for
the nights when they could be together, folded into each other’s arms,
pretending that Shane wasn’t leaving and that they’d be like this forever. They
would cuddle close, sometimes kissing but mostly just clinging desperately to
each other under the thick sleeping bag.
One night, as they kissed lazily under a bright, full moon, Roy could feel
Shane pressing closer against him than he had before. He could feel…well he was
pretty sure he knew what he was feeling, and suddenly all the blood rushed from
his head and the only thing he was aware of was Shane’s slender body against
his, Shane’s mouth on his neck, finding the spot that made him want to cry out.
His breath came faster, his heart sped up, and he felt tingly all the way down
to his toes. He knew what was coming and it made him feel both exhilarated and
embarrassed at the same time. Very slowly and very gently, he laid Shane onto
his back, careful to keep his own body in the same position. Shane moaned
softly against his skin, pulling Roy’s hips, encouraging him to roll over on
top of him. Roy’s heart pounded as he acquiesced. Roy laid atop Shane, not
pressing down but instead relying solely on gravity to create the delicious
pressure he craved. And then Shane started pumping his hips up and Roy nearly
lost it immediately.
Roy almost wanted to stop him. Was this wrong? Shane was younger than him and
Roy didn’t want to take advantage of him. On the other hand, his urgent
movements were the sign of someone who knew what they wanted. So Roy gave in,
letting Shane thrust against him, pressing down into him, sucking on his bottom
lip as they rutted against each other. 
It was the scent that did it more than anything. Roy started to smell that
distinctly masculine, musky scent that could only mean one thing. They humped
each other ardently, faster now, Shane whimpering into Roy’s mouth, clutching
his ass to increase the resistance. 
Roy panted, gulping for air as he rubbed frantically against Shane, both of
them so close to release that they could almost taste it. When he finally came
into his underpants, the wetness spreading, he could feel Shane’s body go
slack. 
For a minute they lay sandwiched together, Roy’s face pressed into the pillow
and Shane’s hands stroking his back in slow, languid circles.
Roy lifted his head up, looking at Shane’s face. Shane had a sleepy smile; his
eyes were half-closed. Roy touched his chin, ran a finger along his mouth. “You
okay?” Roy inquired seriously, and Shane giggled in response. 
“Mmm-hmm. Why haven’t we been doing that all week?” Shane murmured happily. He
took Roy’s finger and began to suck on it. 
Roy chuckled wryly. “Because I’ve been jerking off like 3 times a day so that
when I come here, I can behave myself.”
“Ugh, me too. At least that,” Shane laughed. “I’m like, having some issues.
Sort of…like it’s starting to hurt a little.”
“What are you using to…you know?”
“Using? My hand.” Shane’s brow wrinkled in confusion.
“No, I mean. Uh…like…don’t you have something…I mean I stole some lotion from
my sisters’ bathroom.” Roy’s face burned with embarrassment. This conversation
was so awkward, and it didn’t help that Shane was looking at him with big Bambi
eyes.
“Ohhh, you mean…” Shane’s eyes dawned with understanding, “I haven’t been using
anything. I guess I should be? God, I feel like an idiot.” He buried his face
in his hands, ears getting red.
Roy rubbed his shoulders. “No, you’re not. But trust me, um, it’ll help.” He
smiled sheepishly, then started pulling at his sticky underwear with his free
hand. “I’m the idiot. I really should have brought some extra underwear.” 
Shane grinned wickedly and pulled a plastic box off of the built-in shelves. “I
put this in here a few months ago. You know, in case I had a…dream or
something…” He opened the container and handed Roy a pair of underwear: white
briefs with Snoopy on them. He took out a pair for himself next.
“How come you get X-Men and I’m stuck with Snoopy?”
Shane snickered. “Because you look just like a sweet little puppy,” he mocked,
kissing Roy’s face. He then stood up, quickly sliding his bottoms off and
replacing them with the blue X-Men undies. Roy breathed in sharply at the flash
of ass that he glimpsed, though he’d tried to look away, really. 
When Shane climbed into the treehouse on the following day, Roy smiled
knowingly at him. “So how’d you do today?”
Shane blushed, “I…found some baby oil.”
Roy pulled Shane into his lap. “So, no chafing anymore?” He kissed the tip of
his nose.
Shane shook his head. 
“I re-stocked our underwear supply,” Roy announced, kissing Shane’s neck,
earning a soft moan. Shane twisted around, moving one leg so that he was
straddling Roy’s lap.
“Well, that’s good,” Shane murmured, lightly fingering the shells of Roy’s
ears. 
Roy felt himself getting hard already. “Fuck,” he whispered. “Sorry.”
Shane leaned in to kiss him. “Don’t be sorry.” His tongue plunged into Roy’s
mouth as Roy arched up against him, straining for friction. Shane wrapped his
legs around Roy’s waist, locking his ankles and drawing Roy impossibly close,
lifting his head to look into Roy’s brown eyes as he rubbed against him
vigorously. He was hard now, too, and began to move a little faster.
Roy panted and whimpered, gripping Shane’s waist, letting him control the
rhythm although Roy was desperate to speed up even more. “Oh god, oh god,” he
breathed. As Shane picked up the pace, finally, the pressure inside of him kept
building and building, but no release happened like yesterday. He groaned and
thrusted against Shane frantically. 
Gripping Roy’s shoulder with one hand, Shane felt himself close to the edge and
closed his eyes, moaning as he came in his pajama pants. He moved so that his
ass was grinding hard against Roy’s crotch, and began stroking the back of his
neck. He watched Roy’s face carefully. He looked sort of like he was in pain.
“Are you okay?” Shane asked timidly.
“Shane, I…” Roy gasped for air, “Fuck, I think I need…I need…oh god, I’m
sorry.”
“What?”
Roy shook his head miserably. “I need to…” He moved his hand from Shane’s waist
to the front of his sweatpants, ashamed. “I’m so sorry.”
Shane stroked his thigh. “Don’t be sorry.”
Roy slipped a hand into his pants and then paused. “Can you please…please don’t
look at me.”
Shane nodded, moving away from him, a little disappointed. He kind of wanted to
watch. But that didn’t seem to be in the cards tonight. He could hear Roy
pumping himself faster and faster. He closed his eyes, trying to hold his
breath, willing himself not to turn back around.
With a final breathy moan, Roy finished. Shane took a deep breath and, still
facing away from him, pulled a package of handi-wipes out of his backpack,
keeping one for himself, and tossed them back over his shoulder. “Thanks,” Roy
panted.
After cleaning himself up and changing his underwear, Shane bit his lip. “Can I
turn around now?”
“One sec…” Roy slid on a clean pair of underwear and got under the sleeping
bag. “Okay. Sorry.”
Shane turned around, took in Roy’s flushed cheeks, his bright eyes. He crawled
toward him and kissed him softly. “I said don’t be sorry. It was…um…kind
of…exciting?” Shane’s own cheeks blushed a deep red. 
Roy widened his eyes. “Really?!”
“Yeah.”
“I figured you’d be…I don’t know, like, grossed out, or something.”
Shane giggled and shook his head, climbing under the covers with him. “No,
definitely not. Maybe next time you’ll let me watch.” His eyes flashed wickedly
at Roy as he snuggled against him.
***** 1994 (Part 3) *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     Shit’s gettin’ real, yo…
Chapter Notes
     RATING: Mature
The next day, Roy waited longer than usual for Shane. Just as he was starting
to worry, he heard footsteps on the ladder. Shane’s face appeared above the
trap door. His eyes were rimmed with red, and it was clear he’d been crying.
They’d been living in such denial that Roy realized it actually surprised him
to see Shane like that. He reached for him and helped him inside.
“What’s wrong?”
“Um…” Shane sniffed tearfully and that’s when Roy noticed the cut on his leg, a
big scrape that was bleeding slightly.
“Oh shit, Shane!” Roy grabbed the package of handi-wipes and pulled one out.
“Let me clean that up. What happened?”
“Oh, this? I guess…I guess I tripped running across the street.” He settled
against the pillows as Roy dabbed gingerly at his leg with the wipe.
Roy looked up at him. He knew Shane couldn’t possibly be crying about his leg.
Despite his delicate appearance, Shane had a ridiculously high tolerance for
pain. Roy still remembered when he broke his wrist trying to do a trick on his
bike, and all he did was grit his teeth, calmly walk inside and tell his mother
that he “heard something crack, so maybe we should go to a doctor.” 
Roy finished cleaning all of the dirt and blood, kissing it for good measure,
which caused tears to start pouring from Shane’s eyes, his face contorted in
misery. Roy took his hands.
“Shane…please talk to me. Why are you crying?” Still holding Shane’s hands, Roy
lifted them up and used the back of his fingers to brush Shane’s tears away.
“I…I talked to my parents at dinner. And they…we’re…” Shane stopped. Roy could
feel the color drain from his face. He knew whatever was coming would be bad.
Very bad. He braced himself. “The movers are coming next Friday and then we’re
leaving on Saturday.”
Roy shook his head. “But…your house is not even…they just put up the ‘For Sale’
sign yesterday.”
Shane gripped Roy’s hands tightly, his breath hitching. “I know! I don’t…I
don’t know why it’s happening this quickly. My dad…he said they want him to
start as soon as possible, and I just…it’s…it’s t-too fast.”
Shane gasped for air and Roy gathered him into his arms. He felt like breaking
down, but also knew that it wouldn’t be fair to Shane. Shane was going through
exactly the same thing he was, only he was also moving and having to leave
everything he’d known and all his friends and start over in an entirely new
place. Roy wrapped them both in the sleeping bag and cuddled him close.
He held him, letting him cry until he was wrung dry and exhausted. When they
finally fell asleep, it felt like they only had a few minutes before the alarm
started ringing loudly. Roy slapped it off violently and turned to Shane, who’s
eyes were still red.
“Don’t leave yet,” he whispered.
Shane let his head drop to Roy’s chest. “But what if someone in your family
wakes up and sees that you’re gone?”
“I don’t care,” Roy stated, clasping his hands around Shane’s waist.
“But…what if your mom finds out and makes it impossible for us to meet anymore?
We have less than a week, and if I can’t see you–” fresh tears started falling
from Shane’s eyes, wetting Roy’s t-shirt.
Roy hugged him. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry, I just…I don’t want to let go
right now.”
Shane sniffled again him. “Me neither, but if we had to stop seeing each other,
I don’t think I could handle it.”
They separated, and Roy kissed his face a few more times. “Tonight. I’ll see
you tonight.”
Shane smiled tightly and moved towards the ladder.
*****
That day, Roy’s mom forced him to go the store with his sisters for school
clothes. He sat miserably on the bench, watching the girls parade around in
pleated skirts and shortalls and cardigans. At one point, Vanessa flopped down
beside him.
“Hey,” she said gently, smoothing down the ruffles on her short skirt. “I, uh…I
saw the sign outside Shane’s house this morning. It seems like their house sold
really fast, huh?”
Roy nodded, a lump forming in his throat.
Vanessa reached over and squeezed his hand. “Well. I don’t know about you,” she
said softly, “but I’m really gonna miss him.”
Roy blinked a few times, forcing the tears back that pricked at his eyes.
Vanessa leaned her head on his shoulder and continued to hold his hand.
That night, Shane and Roy both tried to be positive, and make the most of the
little time they had left, but despite their best efforts, every kiss tasted
salty from bitter tears. It was unusually chilly for summer, and Shane shivered
in Roy’s arms, clinging to him desperately. 
It was another night of fitful, restless sleep, each of them waking up
intermittently with nightmares. Shane kicked Roy twice, jolting awake, and by
the time dawn began to break, they’d given up on sleep entirely and just curled
together, Roy brushing his lips against Shane’s over and over.
Later in the morning, Roy sat at the breakfast table, deep circles under his
dull and hollow eyes. Aida looked at him, concerned, and could feel her iron
will begin to bend a little. She kissed her son on the top of his head and
sighed.
*****
Roy stretched out on his bed, drawing on a sketchpad, when images of Shane
started flickering through his head. There was nothing that made him feel self-
loathing like getting turned on when he was supposed to be sad, but soon he was
hard and so he reached for the mango lotion in his bedside table and began
abusing himself furiously, tugging hard to try and dispel all those thoughts
that wouldn’t go away. He came quickly, and laid back, panting, squeezing his
eyes shut.
Lynn burst through his door and he squealed, pulling the covers up to his
chin. 
“DO YOU PEOPLE EVER KNOCK?” he screamed.
Lynn wrinkled her nose. “Dude, why does it smell like a Thai brothel in here?”
Roy glared at her and she laughed.
“Nevermind, don’t answer that.” She averted her eyes. “I just came to tell you
to come – ha – and  help set the table. Dinner’s almost ready.”
He looked away, up at the ceiling. “Not hungry.”
Lynn rolled her eyes, “I think you’ll want to come down tonight anyway. Mama
invited Blondie and his family. So y’all can sulk together.”
Roy looked up at her sharply. She was the one person in his family who would
fuck with him and he was not in the mood. “Are you being serious?”
“Yup! Come ask her yourself if you don’t believe me. But maybe wash your hands
first.” Lynn turned on her heel and flounced away.
Roy went downstairs a few minutes later and, sure enough, a leaf had been added
to the table and there were 10 chairs. Vanessa grinned at him as she shook out
a tablecloth. “Hey! Look who’s up!”
“Yeah, the prince finally dragged his tired ass out of bed,” Lynn commented. 
Vanessa elbowed her. “Be nice, Lynnie.”
Roy pulled a stack of plates out of the china cabinet. 
“Oooh, going for the fancy plates, huh? No everyday china for your future in-
laws,” Lynn mocked, and Vanessa turned around and sucker-punched her in the
gut.
“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” she said, and then skipped over to the cabinet to get
napkins, leaving Lynn doubled over, gasping for air. Roy tossed a grateful look
to Vanessa and she winked at him.
“What…the…fuck?” Lynn panted.
“His best friend is moving away. He’s allowed to fucking be sad about it. You
need to back off. Say you’re sorry.”
“Jeez, sorry.”
“It’s fine. I know you can’t help being a bitch,” Roy sassed.
Lynn took a step towards him, but then saw Vanessa hovering behind him
threateningly, and thought better of it.
*****
Roy wanted desperately to enjoy the dinner, but Shane looked so sad and small
and kept pushing the food around on his plate, and every time they made eye
contact he looked like he was about to burst into tears.
At one point, Roy’s dad obliviously turned to Shane and asked if he was excited
about living in California. Shane opened his mouth, taking a shaky breath, but
when he tried to speak, nothing came out.
Annette cleared her throat. “He’s getting used to the idea.”
“Awww, buck up, kiddo! Think of it as an adventure!” he encouraged.
“Shane, you’re gonna be so close to Hollywood! Maybe you can finally become a
famous actor,” Elizabeth said. 
Shane nodded and looked back down at his plate. 
“And Disneyland!” exclaimed Eddy.
Roy clenched his fists under the table. He had a strong desire to punch every
single one of them. Except Shane. And maybe Vanessa. He wondered what his
mother would do if he started smashing the china against the wall. Maybe it
would be enough of a distraction that he and Shane could run down to the bus
station and escape from the nightmare of separation.
The topic turned to the food, and Annette tried to get Aida to agree to give
her some of her Cuban recipes. 
“She can’t, nothing is written down,” said Lynn.
Suddenly Shane’s glassy eyes, which threatened to spill over with tears, were
more than Roy could take. Mumbling an excuse, Roy backed up his chair and
bolted from the room. Shane helplessly watched him disappear into the hallway
and then started to stand, but a sharp look from Aida and his mother’s gentle
hand on his shoulder forced him back down into his seat, where he felt as
useless and weak as he’d ever been.
Roy sat on the edge of the bathtub, hands covering his face, sobbing quietly.
His stomach felt funny and suddenly he threw open the lid of the toilet bowl
and began retching. It went on for a few minutes, even though he had next to
nothing in his stomach. When the heaving subsided, he sat down beside the
toilet bowl and laid his head against the cool porcelain. 
*****
When Roy entered the treehouse later that night, Shane was already there,
laying under the covers and clutching the walkie. Roy slid in and put his arms
around him from behind, placing a tender kiss on his neck.
Shane laced his fingers through Roy’s, saying, “I’m sorry about tonight. I
couldn’t…pretend. You know, they want us to act like everything is okay, but
it’s NOT okay.”
“I know.” Roy buried his face in Shane’s hair, tightening his arms. 
Both of them were so exhausted, they could barely keep their eyes open. Days of
crying and restless nights had caught up with them, and for the first night in
awhile, they both slept soundly, cuddled close. Roy stirred at one point, hours
later, when his arm fell asleep, but seeing Shane’s peaceful face in the
moonlight, didn’t have the heart try try and change positions. He kissed him
just below his ear, letting his lips linger on the soft skin, memorizing the
smell of him. Shane let out a soft little sigh and Roy willed away the tears
that threatened to fall. He started to pull one hand away to wipe his eyes, but
Shane still clung tightly to his fingers, so he ended up wiping his face on the
back of Shane’s t-shirt.
***** 1994 (Part 4) *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     These kids should really not be left alone without adult
     supervision...
Chapter Notes
     WARNING: Minors engaging in sexual activity
     CHAPTER RATING: Explicit
Shane beat Roy to the treehouse again the next night. But this time, when Roy
ascended the ladder, he saw a bright, happy smile spread over Shane’s face.
“I decided something,” the blonde proclaimed.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! No more being sad for the rest of the week. Saturday is going to be sad,
but until then, we should have a good time. Okay?”
Roy smiled at him. This was the friend that he’d known and loved for years.
“And to help, because I know sometimes you need extra help when you’re grumpy,
I brought all your favorites.” He dumped out the contents of his backpack and
grinned at Roy proudly. Chocolate pudding, puffy Cheetos, Mountain Dew,
Tropical Skittles, and Kit Kat bars.
Roy laughed. “Where did you get this? Your mom would never buy this stuff in a
million years. Unless those Cheetos are actually made out of that awful
stuff…what’s that stuff she loves?”
“Sprouted legumes. And no. I rode my bike to 7-11 and bought all of this
myself. Genuine chemicals, all for you.”
Roy kissed him on the cheek. “This might be the nicest thing anyone has ever
done for me.”
Shane clapped his hands. “Picnic time!”
They tore into the candy. Shane, not used to all the sugar or the caffeine, got
giggly and silly pretty quickly, feeding Roy pudding and Cheetos, putting his
fingers, covered in the sticky orange dust, into Roy’s mouth. Roy sucked
blissfully on his fingers, licking them clean, heart pounding.
They laughed and kissed and talked about all of the places they would go
together someday. Shane wanted to bring Roy to Sydney, and from there “it’s a
really short trip to Tahiti or Bali or somewhere amazing and tropical.”
Roy dreamed of backpacking through the Alps, or tooling around Rome on a Vespa.
“I’d go super fast so you have to hang on tight,” he said, running his hand
through Shane’s hair.
“How come you get to drive?” Shane whined, pretending to sulk.
“Because I’m older.”
Shane scoffed, pouting, and then met Roy’s eyes and dissolved into giggles. He
reached forward and shoved a piece of a Kit Kat bar into Roy’s mouth. Roy
grabbed his hand and pulled him close, onto the sleeping bags, away from their
picnic, which was mostly decimated by now anyway.
Shane sprawled out on top of Roy, staring into his warm brown eyes, like pools
of dark chocolate. His lashes were thick and black and so long that they
brushed his cheeks when he blinked. Shane could feel himself getting lost in
those eyes. He could feel his heart race. He wasn’t sure if it was from the
candy or from Roy’s firm body beneath him.
Roy sensed that Shane was deep in thought, and kept his body still. The only
movement was one of his hands, gently rubbing Shane’s lower back.
Shane let his hands wander over Roy’s torso, and then bent his head down,
kissing his neck and sucking gently on the tender flesh below his jaw. Roy
brought one hand slowly up his thigh and let it rest on Shane’s ass. He tried
valiantly to control his breathing as Shane pressed down into him. He lifted
his hips up a few times, and then suddenly he felt how hard Shane was and he
couldn’t contain it any more. He reached for his bag and picked up the bottle
of lotion, squeezing some into his hand.
Shane moved his lips up to Roy’s mouth, massaging their tongues against each
other, whimpering into Roy’s open mouth, “Don’t make me look away.”
Roy breathed hard, nodding. He slipped his hand into his pants, inside his
underwear, spreading the lotion down his dick. His other arm was still wrapped
around Shane’s waist, fingers creeping slowly towards his ass. He had slid to
the side a little with one leg still slung over Roy’s body. Roy could feel his
knuckles graze Shane’s thigh with every stroke.
Shane leaned his head on Roy’s chest and watched his hand moving, rubbing his
own dick against Roy’s hip, reaching down to palm himself over his pajama
bottoms. He reached for the lotion and took some. Roy’s hand was moving fast
now and Shane looked up at his face while he began stroking himself.
Roy’s eyes were squeezed shut. He was still too self-conscious to look at
Shane, or to meet his eyes, while he did this. But he could feel Shane’s hot
breath on his face, hear the sounds as Shane tugged at his dick, beginning to
pant in his ear. Fuck. He was so close. Shane leaned against his chest with one
arm, and when he fingered one of his nipples, Roy exploded.
He let out a long desperate moan, squeezing Shane’s ass cheeks, pumping
furiously until there was nothing left. His eyes fluttered open and he glimpsed
down at Shane, who was working himself in a frenzy. He felt a shiver of
excitement mixed with just a hint of shame. Shane was right though, it was
pretty hot to watch.
Roy kept kneading Shane’s ass, and with the other hand, guided his fingers into
his mouth. They still tasted vaguely like chocolate and Cheetos and were sticky
like candy. Roy sucked on them and Shane whimpered and moaned, stroking faster,
shoving his fingers deeper down Roy’s throat.
Shane looked up at him, saw his brown eyes watering. He bit his lip and eased
off on his fingers a little, then bent down and whispered, “Take off your
shirt.”
Roy didn’t hesitate a second. He whipped off his shirt and Shane did the same,
pressing their bodies together. He moved his hand to the back of Roy’s head,
grasping the thick, soft hair in his hands. He started to come and yanked on
the strands of hair.
Roy thought he might come again just from this - the hair pulling, the skin to
skin contact. Shane’s eyes rolled back into his head as he came, muscles
strained and moaning as he milked himself dry. He collapsed against Roy, hot
and flushed and sweaty, chest heaving with ragged breaths. “Damn,” Roy
whispered, “I…don’t know if I was ready for that.”
Shane giggled and cuddled closer, kissing Roy’s cheek. “Sorry.”
“I didn’t say I regret it,” Roy smirked.
Shane sighed blissfully, resting his head on Roy’s shoulder.
*****
Roy got to the treehouse the last night and sat on the sleeping bags, hugging
his knees to his chest. He breathed slowly in and out, feeling emotional but
knowing that Shane wanted to keep things happy for one more night. Despite
that, by the time Shane’s beautiful face emerged through the trap door, he was
close to tears. Shane looked at his face and it was like he could read his
mind.
He tossed his backpack to the floor and tackled Roy in a bear hug, pressing
sweet kisses all over his face. “Roy,” he whispered, “I love you so fucking
much.”
Roy cradled Shane’s face in his hands. The twisting pain in his gut began to
subside a little, now that he had his beautiful friend in his arms. “Shane…oh
god, I love you too.”
Shane’s eyes lit up with pure joy. It was the first time Roy said it out loud,
and though he didn’t realize it until that moment, there was a nagging doubt in
his mind. Hearing the words come from Roy’s lips, all of his fears and
insecurities melted away.
The look on Shane’s face was something that Roy knew he’d remember for the rest
of his life. He felt light and free. He’d always had a feeling, deep down, that
he was not important. That he was just a speck of dust in the vast universe,
but holding Shane and saying those words, seeing the effect they had on him, he
suddenly felt plugged in, connected, alive like never before.
There was something sweetly innocent about the way Shane then slipped his hands
beneath Roy’s shirt. It was almost not even sexual, just the urge to touch
Roy’s skin, to be in contact with him in an intimate way. The same drive that
Roy had to stroke Shane’s cheekbones, Shane had to feel the warmth of Roy’s
chest. Roy lifted his arms and let Shane slowly remove his shirt.
Roy kissed Shane’s temples, his neck, the shell of his ear. He pulled back and
gazed into his eyes, saying, “You are perfect.”
Shane’s eyes filled with tears and Roy gently touched the corners.
“You said no being sad,” Roy murmured.
Shane shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them and smiled at Roy. “These
are happy tears.”
Roy smiled back, and drew his face in close again, kissing his eyelids, then
brushing his lips along Shane’s delicate jaw. He pulled Shane’s shirt off and
rolled him under the covers, pressing their bodies together, feeling Shane’s
flushed, hot skin against his.
Shane trailed his fingers over Roy’s back and shoulders. “You know,” he said
softly, “this is not the end. This is the beginning.” Then he blushed and hid
his face against Roy’s shoulder. “Sorry, that was so cheesy. Oh my gosh.”
Roy laughed and pulled gently on Shane’s silky hair. “I like it when you’re
cheesy. It’s one of your best qualities.”
“Okay, well then you’ll like it if I tell you I want you to hold me all night.”
Shane let his head fall back to the pillow.
Roy nodded, sliding off of Shane’s body and wrapping his arms around him from
behind. He let his lips rest gently on his neck. “Like this?”
Shane rubbed Roy’s arms. “Uh-huh,” he whispered. His eyes fell closed. “I wish
we could stay like this forever.”
“Someday we will,” Roy promised. “We just have to take a little break
tomorrow…” He swallowed his tears, smelling the fresh citrus-y scent of Shane’s
hair.
“Right,” Shane agreed, biting his lip. He pressed backwards against Roy,
relishing the feel of their skin against each other, pulling Roy’s arms tighter
around him.
Roy shifted a little. Shane’s ass was right up against his crotch, and he
didn’t want to ruin the sweet moment between them with a damn boner. Shane
turned his head and gave Roy a mischievous look, wiggling his ass around. “Oh
god…”
Shane giggled and pushed back some more. Roy stopped backing his hips up and
instead pushed forward, as all the blood rushed from his head. His breathing
came faster. Soon he was panting in Shane’s ear, humping his ass frantically.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whimpered. His fucking dick was the bane of his
existence. It was the reason they were in this goddamn mess. The reason Shane
was leaving. He hated himself and yet, god it felt so good.
Shane squeezed his eyes shut as Roy gripped his hips. He was hard now too, but
he waited to touch himself until he literally couldn’t stand it and thought he
might black out from the aching pain. At that point, Roy was on the edge,
sucking on his earlobe and moaning, reaching into his bottoms to finish off.
Shane turned around and faced him, taking his face in his hands and kissing
him. He kissed his lips, his neck, down his chest. His cock pulsed, but he was
more concerned with Roy at the moment.
As Roy pumped himself with one hand, the other gripped Shane’s hip. Shane slid
a hand down Roy’s arm and then reached behind himself, guiding Roy’s hand from
his hip down, inside his underwear, letting him squeeze his bare ass. Roy
moaned, the skin to skin contact intoxicating to him, the feel of Shane’s
smooth ass firm but supple. He kneaded the flesh, pulling Shane against him.
Shane sucked on Roy’s bottom lip, winding his hands through his hair. “Pull
it,” Roy whispered, and Shane yanked hard on the thick strands.
Roy moaned loudly, relishing the pain as he reached his climax. He buried his
face into Shane’s neck and erupted all over his hand, squeezing until he
stopped spasming. He wipes his hand on the ass of his underwear and then pulled
Shane closer again, feeling his dick against his thigh.
Shane rutted against Roy’s thigh, sliding his tongue into his mouth. Both of
Roy’s hands were now clutching his ass, and Shane could barely take it. His
dick leaked pre-cum and throbbed in his pants.
“Roy,” he whimpered, “Please…please help me.”
Roy slowly lowered Shane’s bottoms. One hand continued to rub his ass as the
other drifted around. Roy’s fingers rested on Shane’s inner thigh. “Are you
sure, you want–”
“Yes! Yes, please,” Shane arched against him desperately.
Roy wrapped a hand around Shane’s dick and he immediately began bucking his
hips forwards, thrusting into it. He dug his fingers deep into Roy’s back. Roy
kissed his cheeks and moved his head back to watch Shane’s face.
Shane panted. His eyes were hooded with lust. “Oh god, oh god,” he repeated.
Roy’s hands felt amazing, like heaven. So good it was painful. His eyes rolled
back into his head and he bit down hard on Roy’s shoulder as he came, straining
and moaning. Roy kept pumping until his muscles went slack and his moans turned
into soft whimpers.
Roy gathered Shane against him, letting him press his face against Roy’s chest,
slick with sweat. He kissed his head over and over.
“Fuck,” Shane whispered, “That was…oh god.”
Roy giggled. “Glad I could be of service.”
Shane sighed happily and snuggled against him, fighting the urge to drift off
to sleep. He knew that this was their last night for a long time, and wanted to
live in his current blissful state for as long as possible, curled in Roy's
arms, memorizing every moment, every cell of Roy's body. 
***** 1994 (Part 5) *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     D-Day has arrived. (And please note my amazingly talented cowriter,
     who is now tagged. She's brilliant and amazing. xoxo)
Chapter Notes
     WARNING: Tears
     CHAPTER RATING: General Audiences
Shane sat on the steps as his parents finished packing the minivan. Not helping
was a silent protest, although they didn’t seem to notice. Roy’s siblings
walked across the street to say goodbye, while Roy hung back, trying to get a
handle on his emotions. He was having difficulty breathing.
Lynn slugged Shane lightly on the arm. “See you, Blondie. You’re not so bad, I
might even miss you a little.”
Shane smiled at her and gave her a hug. “You know you’re desperately in love
with me, Lynn. Don’t deny it.”
She laughed. “Totally.”
Eddy wrapped his arms around Shane’s waist. “Thanks for teaching me how to
pirouette, Shane. All the guys on my soccer team think it’s really cool.”
Shane giggled. “Well kids today are really evolving, aren’t they?”
Liz nodded and piled on, hugging Shane tightly. “Goodbye honey. You’re gonna do
great in California. I expect you to be a big star someday!”
“Bye Lizzie.” Shane could feel tears starting to come. She had always really
felt like a big sister to him, especially after Kim left to go to University in
Sydney.
Vanessa sniffled. “Shanie, don’t cry baby. Or I’m gonna cry.”
“I’m sorry,” Shane said.
She attacked him in a bear hug, “You are the greatest, you know.” In a lower
voice, so that her sisters didn’t hear, she murmured, “I don’t know what Roy’s
gonna do without you.”
Shane buried his face in her chest, now having a hard time controlling his
sobs.
Roy watched everything as he slowly made his way down his front walk to the
mailbox, hanging on for dear life, as he could feel himself getting
lightheaded. Shane lifted his head from Vanessa and Roy could see the tears on
his face, even from across the street. His entire body went numb.
Vanessa whispered something else to Shane and kissed the top of his head. Eddy
was swinging in the tire in the Jeneks’ front yard. Elizabeth and Lynn sat on
the stoop. They all started to look blurry as Shane broke away from Vanessa and
made his way across the street to Roy.
He stood in front of him, fat tears dripping down his face. He tried to make
his voice normal, aware that people were watching them. “Hey, Roy.”
“Hi.” Roy’s heart was in his throat.
“Um…I’ll send you my address once we get there.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“I’m really gonna mi–” Shane’s breath hitched and suddenly he couldn’t take it
anymore. He grabbed Roy by the neck and crushed their lips together. He kissed
him deeply, trying to express all of the things he couldn’t in words, didn’t
have time to in words. Love, sorrow, friendship, an unbreakable bond, how
desperately he didn’t want to leave.
Roy didn’t care that his mom was right inside. He didn’t care that his sisters
and his brother and Shane’s parents were watching. All he cared about was
Shane, his soft mouth and his warm hands and the taste of him, like what
sunshine should taste like.
Roy pulled Shane against him, as close as humanly possible, gripping his small
frame so tightly, he thought he might break him.
Shane laid his head down and started to sob on Roy’s shoulder. Wrenching sobs
that wracked his body in painful spasms. Roy’s chest was tight with grief.
“Shhhh,” he soothed, taking shallow breaths.
“Please never let go,” Shane wept.
“I won’t,” Roy lied, wishing with every fiber of his being that it was the
truth. What if he just didn’t let go? Shane would have to stay. Or he’d have to
go with the Jeneks. Suddenly it didn’t seem like the worst plan.
Shane tried to say something else, but his gulping sobs made it completely
unintelligible.
Roy stroked Shane’s hair with one hand, the other on his back. Shane dug his
fingers into Roy’s shoulders. He cried so hard that his throat became raw and
his chest ached.
Annette and Gill approached them, looking concerned and apologetic.
“Shane, darling? I’m sorry my love, but we have to go.”
Shane ignored them completely, clinging to Roy in abject despair.
“Darling, I’m sorry, I know. But you and Roy can write to each other. I know it
doesn’t seem like it right now, but everything is going to be okay.”
When reason didn’t seem to work, Annette sighed and stepped forward. She put
her hands on Shane’s shoulders and tried to gently pry him away. After getting
nowhere, she became slightly more forceful.
“I promise, it will be alright, boys.”
She motioned to Gill with her head and he frowned, pulling Shane away from Roy,
wresting the fabric of Roy’s shirt out of his son’s fists. He pulled Shane,
still protesting and sobbing, into his arms, lifting him off the ground and
carrying him towards the car. After a few steps, Shane stopped struggling and
hung limply in his dad’s arms.
Annette wrapped Roy up into a hug, murmuring, “You take care of yourself,
darling. I promise you’ll see each other again someday.”
Roy’s eyes were still remarkably dry as she released him. His sisters and Eddy
had made their way back across the street, and exchanged kisses and hugs with
Annette. Gill deposited Shane into the backseat and they climbed in. Annette
blew kisses at everyone as the car backed out of the driveway. Shane pressed
his face to the window, locking eyes with Roy, looking more forlorn and
devastated than he ever had.
Vanessa held Roy’s hand and he found himself shaking, leaning against her. The
last second, right as the car pulled down the street, Roy broke, tears finally
falling from his eyes, the reality hitting him like a ton of bricks.
When the car disappeared down the block, the rushing sound of blood in his ears
was replaced by Eddy calling “GOODBYE JENEKS! GOODBYE!”
The others turned and slowly filed back into the house. Roy was last, led by
Vanessa, who didn’t say anything even though Roy was crushing her fingers in a
vice grip.
She began to pull him up the stairs, but Roy suddenly dropped her hand, pushing
her away, and ran, as fast as his shaky legs could carry him, around to the
backyard where he climbed into the treehouse.
He sprawled out face-first onto the sleeping bags, burying his face into a
pillow and sobbing his eyes out.
*****
Aida stood in her son’s doorway, a letter pinched in her hands. She was not
sure if giving it to Roy was the best idea. But, she thought…it could be worse.
Or could it?
He simply refused to get up. It was a million times worse than his depression
earlier in the month. He wouldn’t come downstairs, trays of food went
untouched, and Aida was at her wit’s end. Maybe this letter from Shane would
help. She walked over and lightly tapped him on the shoulder.
“Go away,” he groaned hoarsely.
“Shane wrote you a letter.”
Roy bolted upright and snatched the letter out of her hands. He ran his finger
over the lettering on the outside for a brief second, before tearing it open.
His eyes scanned the letter.
August 24, 1994
Dear Roy,
I miss you so much it’s like I can’t breathe. I hate my parents for making us
move. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone. You
have always been my best friend, but now you are so much more. I dream about
kissing you again every night and I know that I will figure out a way to make
it back to you someday. I will. Fuck everyone who stands in our way.
We are going to be in California tomorrow and I will send you my address as
soon as I can so that you can write back. I can’t wait to hear from you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love
you. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!
Love forever,
Shane
He pressed the letter to his cheek and then turned to his mother, eyes blazing
with fury. “GET OUT!” he screamed, and then collapsed onto his pillow,
uncontrollable sobs wracking his body.
Aida touched his shoulder, swallowing back tears when she felt him shrink away.
Shane’s next letter arrived three days later. She looked at the loopy cursive
writing, closing her eyes, thinking about how miserable Roy had been. She made
a decision. She would wait…a few days, or so, just until Roy felt a little
better. Because obviously the first letter had triggered something. He was more
depressed and angry and brokenhearted than he’d ever been. It wasn’t healthy
and she needed him to be stronger before he started communicating with Shane.
So that settled it.
A few days later, she came to Roy’s doorway. He’d actually joined the family
for dinner that evening. He’d agreed to go with her and Eddy to the store in
the morning to buy new school shoes. She held the letter behind her back. Roy
looked up from his bed, where he was valiantly trying to get through the summer
reading he’d neglected for almost 3 months.
“Hey mom. What’s up?”
Aida studied his face. He seemed…okay. Maybe not living his dream life, but
definitely not in the same black hole where he’d been. She hesitated. “I just
wanted to tell you I love you, mijo.”
Roy nodded. “I love you too, Mama.”
It was hearing that word that made up her mind. He hadn’t called her “Mama” for
so long. She leaned heavily against the doorframe, relief filling her chest.
Her baby was slowly coming back to her, and she couldn’t bear to risk hurting
him again. “Goodnight, Roy.”
“‘Night,” Roy smiled tightly and went back to his book.
***** 1994-1995 *****
Chapter by veronicasanders
Chapter Summary
     Shane writes letters. And…we’re sorry.
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: General Audiences
August 26, 1994
Dear Roy,
We made it. Wow, that drive was awful and it didn’t help that I spent most of
it crying into a pillow. Every mile we drove, I could feel that we were getting
farther and farther apart and I just can’t even imagine how I’m going to get
through this school year without you. I dream about you every night. On the
good nights, it’s like how things used to be – playing in our treehouse,
watching movies, torturing your sisters (How are they by the way? I miss them
too. Even Lynn.), raiding your cupboard for junk food. On the GREAT nights, I
get to forget that I ever left, and those dreams are the best because I get to
kiss you and hold you and be in your arms. I know that it’s not real but I
guess it is the next best thing. And then on the bad nights…that’s when I have
to see your face as our car pulls away. And my heart breaks over and over. I
love you so much, Roy. Kissing you, all those nights we got to spend together,
you telling me that you loved me – was the best thing that ever happened to me,
and then leaving you is the absolute worst. I hate not seeing you every day. I
feel like a part of me is missing.
So we’re at this motel for a week until we can get into our new house. But it’s
okay for you to write because my dad is checking the mail. The address is on
the envelope but here it is again: 1447 Lennox Dr, Azuza CA 91702. I can’t wait
to hear from you, so write back soon!
Love forever and ever,
Shane
*****
August 29, 1994
Dear Roy,
Today was the worst day so far. I miss you so much. I tried calling but you
weren’t home, and Mum got mad at me because I guess they charge a lot of money
for long distance calls from hotels. I told her that she could use my college
fund. Since you won’t be around to help me with math and science, I’m probably
not gonna graduate high school anyway, right? She didn’t think that was funny.
I told her I didn’t think moving across the country and destroying my life was
funny. She’s a little pissed off. Well GOOD.
I love you, please write back soon.
Love forever and ever,
Shane
*****
September 1, 1994
Dear Roy,
How are you? Are you okay? Are you as miserable as me? I hope you are okay. I
keep thinking about the day I left, and how I didn’t want to let go of you. And
how pulling away from you was like my heart being ripped out of my chest. Did
you feel the same way?
I wish I was there with you now. I would literally sell my soul for one more
night camping out with you in our treehouse. Have you been up there since I
left? The thought of you being there and feeling lonely is killing me. Please
tell me you are okay.
I will wait to hear from you before I write again. I love you more than
anything in life. Write soon, please!!
Love forever,
Shane
*****
September 7, 1994
Dear Roy,
I couldn’t wait until I heard from you, so I’m sorry if I’m asking you
questions again that you have already answered in your letter. I hope I hear
from you soon though. I check the mailbox 20 times every day and it reminds me
of when your mom buys lottery tickets and checks the news every 10 minutes. The
day I get a letter will be the first happy thing to happen to me since I left.
Are you doing okay? I am so sorry for leaving. I miss you so much every second
of every day. I hope that you are not as miserable as me. California is so ugly
and brown. I miss you, I miss our trees, I miss your eyes. I feel like we got
so cheated, only being together, like really together, for a few weeks before
everything was ripped away from us.
School started here yesterday and I haven’t met a single normal person. They
are all like…I’m trying to think of a nice word but they all scare me a little,
basically. My mum found a community theatre group though, so I’m gonna start
that next week. Their show in the fall is “The Sound of Music.” Maybe I’ll try
out for Maria. (Haha)
I really hope you’re alright and that when school starts, you can avoid that
jerk Logan. And please tell the drama girls hi for me. Please write back
soon!!!!! xoxoxo
love forever,
Shane
*****
September 19, 1994
Dear Roy,
Are you mad at me? Please don’t be mad at me, I couldn’t bear it. Are you
depressed? Why haven’t you written? I would do anything to hear from you, even
just a quick note, anything so that I know you are okay. I tried calling your
house a bunch of times and usually your mom says you are out with friends, and
so I guess you are okay? Even so, I am worried about you. Because I’ve left so
many messages and you haven’t called back, and I don’t know why.
Do you regret what happened between us? I only regret that we got caught when
we did, and that I had to leave. Because the truth is that I would not trade
those few weeks with you for anything, ever. I love you so much, Roy. I always
will.
Please write back soon and tell me you are okay!! And that you don’t hate me.
Please. If you don’t want to write, you can call. I’ve left you 5 messages. My
phone number is at the bottom of the page.
love always,
Shane
P.S. I am Kurt in the play.
*****
October 12, 1994
Dear Roy,
I don’t understand. You told me you loved me. You told me you would keep in
touch. What is going on??? I don’t know what I did wrong. Please write back,
Roy, I am in agony waiting for you. Did you fall out of love with me? Did you
meet someone else? Did you never love me to begin with? Please, Roy, please
tell me this is all a horrible mistake and you have been sending letters to the
wrong house. I put my address and phone number on a notecard and laminated it
for you.
Kim told me to “take a hint” and “let it go” but I can’t. I don’t care if I
sound desperate or crazy, I sort of am at this point. I can’t eat or sleep, I
just think about you all the time and Kim says I should leave you alone but I
don’t know how to do that. I love you and I don’t care if you love me back. I
will love you until the day I die.
Please, please, please write back soon.
love always,
Shane
*****
October 26, 1994
Dear Roy,
Please tell me what I did wrong. I can be different. I will even leave you
alone if that’s what you want, but I just don’t understand what made you change
your mind. I still dream about you every night only now the dreams are so much
more confusing. I feel like I’m going crazy. I miss you so much. I don’t know
what to do. I just know that everything was better when you were across the
street and now it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Does that make
sense? Does that sound crazy? That sounds crazy, right? I’m not gonna mail
this.
You know what, actually, I am gonna mail this. Because this is what you are
doing to me by ignoring me. This is your fault. You should know that you’re
making me totally fucking insane and the sad part is, if you even wrote me one
word back, I’d forgive you in a second. Because I love you that much. I do.
So…fuck you. Except not and I love you and please, please write back.
Love,
Shane
*****
November 16, 1994
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!!!
*****
December 5, 1994
Dear Roy,
I’m really sorry about my last letter. It was rude and it’s not true, anyway.
Don’t be upset with me, please, I just got really frustrated that I hadn’t
heard from you but it’s okay.  It is okay if you don’t love me. I probably
freaked you out before. I really don’t want to lose you as a friend so if you
don’t love me, just tell me and I will stop talking about it. Or maybe Kim is
right and I should take a hint.
Please forgive me for being mad. Please write back soon.
love,
Shane
*****
December 31, 1994
Dear Roy,
It’s New Year’s Eve. The first one we’ve spent apart since that year Kim
started college and we had to spend the holidays with her in Sydney. We’re in
Australia again this year, by the way, and it’s so hot, and it doesn’t feel
right at all, and I miss you so much and everyone is mad at me because I keep
ruining all their stupid holiday cheer. It’ll be midnight in 3 hours. I don’t
really know what to think, about anything. I thought that we would be together
forever. That we would keep writing and maybe I could come back and visit and
maybe Aida would eventually be okay with everything and someday we could go to
college together, assuming I could get in anywhere (which is looking grim if
you saw my report card this semester), and everything would be all better.
I guess I was wrong about everything. I guess I really am just some stupid kid
who doesn’t understand love, and maybe I never will. Because I really thought
what we had was love. I did. And now, I guess I am just an idiot, right?
Despite everything, when I think about you, I am still hoping that you are
happy. I hope you had a good Christmas. I’m mailing this from Kim’s house in
Sydney so you may not get it for awhile. Not that it matters, I guess.
Well…Happy New Year.
-Shane
*****
March 4, 1995
Hey Roy,
It’s been awhile, but my theatre group is doing Oliver!, and when I got the
lead, I thought about you, and when I sang “Food Glorious Food” for that
pageant in your backyard. We’ve been in rehearsals for a week and it’s been
cool. There’s a kid in the cast named Danny who I think you’d really like. He’s
only 8, but he’s got almost as much of a trash mouth as you. Don’t worry, I
have a few other friends besides an 8 year old. There’s a girl in my English
class who I think has a crush on me. Should I try going out with a girl? She’s
really pretty. She looks a little like that girl Roxy, the one who lives on
Wellington?
We went to Disneyland for my birthday. It’s not as cool as Disney World. I
missed you on Pirates of the Caribbean. I kind of miss you all the time, but I
guess it’s getting easier. Kim says I’m losing my naïve idealistic bullshit
view of the world and that it’s about time. She’s such a ray of sunshine.
Anyways… It would be great to hear from you some time.
your friend,
Shane
*****
August 30, 1995
Roy,
I guess this letter is mostly an apology. I understand now that you never loved
me. Maybe you were just caught up in the moment or something. I guess it was
immature of me to think you did because when I think about it, I guess you only
said it once. And maybe only because I was saying it so you felt like you had
to. Because…well, I really loved you, so I was just…what’s that word?
Projecting. I don’t know, I’m just sorry if I ever made you feel weird. You’re
the best friend I ever had and the thought of you feeling uncomfortable is kind
of…the worst. The more time went by, I guess the more I realized that it’s just
the regular stuff I missed most of all. Talking to you, laughing with you, the
way you’d help me with my homework and never make me feel dumb. The way you
always had my back. Losing a “boyfriend” really sucks, but losing my best
friend…there was a long time when I didn’t feel I could deal with that at all.
Anyway, you don’t have to worry about any of this, because I’ve moved on. I
have a girlfriend (that’s right, haha) and I really like her. I don’t know if I
like her as much as I liked you, but I don’t honestly think I’ll ever like
anyone the way I liked you. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m not supposed to.
Because it wasn’t real, right? Just all in my head.
God, I don’t even know if I should send this. I’m trying to apologize for being
weird and I keep going back to how I felt about you. I wish I knew what you
were thinking. Why didn’t you ever just tell me?? Ugh. Okay, I’m gonna go, I’ve
wasted enough of your time.
If you ever feel like writing to me…I’d like to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Shane
***** 2010 / 2014 *****
Chapter Summary
     Almost twenty years later, Roy is blindsided by a ghost from his
     past…
Chapter Notes
     CHAPTER RATING: Teen and up
2010
After being a contestant on Rupaul’s Drag Race and coming really close to
getting the crown, her career as a drag performer and singer took off. Her
album was finally out so that combined with her new popularity from the show
got her gigs all over the country.
Tonight she was in New York. She had a presentation at XL Nightclub and was on
her way there with her boyfriend who was more excited about seeing the club’s
host than her performing.
“Why are you so excited about this queen?”
“She hosted my season’s premiere and finale party and she killed it. She’s
hilarious!” he declared.
She shook her head, leaning against his shoulder in the cab. “She better be
amazing, with all this build-up.”
He chuckled. “Trust me. She’s right up your alley. A foul-mouthed gutter whore.
If your mother had a dick, this is who she’d be.”
She snuggled against him, “Ooh, talk dirty some more.”
“You’re such a weirdo,” he laughed.
*****
When they arrived at the club, the queen was getting on the stage.
“How the fuck are y’all doing, XL? My name is Bianca Del Rio. Who’s ready to
have a good fucking time?” The crowd cheered and yelled. “I’m here to be a
nasty, hateful, filthy fucking bitch. Who’s ready for it?”
She watched, amazed by how the queen had only been on stage for a couple of
minutes and she already had the crowd in the palm of her hand.
They stayed in the back for a bit, hoping no one recognized her so they could
watch some of the queen’s set. She had to admit that Justin was right, Bianca
Del Rio was hilarious. She loved that she made fun of herself then made fun of
other people; she joked about classic stereotypes and pushed the limits and the
audience loved it.
They could only stay for a few more minutes before they had to go backstage so
she could finish getting ready for her performance. She had dressed and done
her makeup at their hotel so the only thing missing was putting on her wig.
They hung out with the other queens as she waited for her turn. Sometimes the
clubs would offer her a private dressing room but she always declined. She
loved meeting new people and seeing different styles of drag, it was one of her
favorite things of being part of this world.
*****
She finished her last number, wig a tangled mess, clothes askew, eye makeup
smeared. The crowd’s cheers were loud and long and satisfying, and when she
glanced at herself in the mirror back in the dressing room, she nodded with
satisfaction. “Damn, I look punk rock as fuck,” she giggled.
“You look fucking cool,” Justin agreed, as Bianca walked over to them.
“Alaska, so nice to see you again.”
They hugged tightly. “B. You were amazing…as usual. “
“Thanks.”
“Bianca, this is my boyfriend, Adore.”
Bianca nodded hello. “Great voice girl, the audience loved you.”
“Thank you! And I loved your act. You’re hilarious.”
Bianca smiled and took a sip of her drink.
“Why haven’t you auditioned for Drag Race yet?”
Alaska nodded. “I’ve been telling her the same thing since I met her.”
“It’s not for me. I’m a bitter, old cunt.”
“Are you crazy? You’d murder the competition.”
Bianca shook her head.
“I don’t lip sync, I don’t dance, I just do comedy and make dresses.”
“Can you act?” asked Adore.
“I guess.”
“Then you’ll get by just fine. You should try it.”
She shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”
“You’re coming out with us for dinner, right?”
“Dinner? It’s almost 4 am.”
“So? I’m hungry. And we’re in New York City so that means PIZZA!” Adore clapped
her hands and jumped up and down.
Bianca laughed. “Why not?”
 
FLASH FORWARD - 2014
Roy finally arrived home after doing errands all morning. He felt hot and
sticky; he definitely needed a shower. It had been two weeks since he
officially left New York but he was still getting used to LA and it’s
schizophrenic weather.
After a lot of nagging from Adore and LA clubs wanting him, combined with all
of the road gigs which made it possible to really live ANYWHERE, he’d looked at
some apartments. The idea that he could pay less rent and have more than double
the space of his New York studio was what settled it. He’d picked up and moved,
with no real plan, for the second time in his life.
He inhaled a light dinner and took a quick shower before starting the process
of becoming Bianca, a process he’d gotten down to about 40 minutes over the
years.
He was doing the finishing touches before leaving for the show when his phone
rang; he looked at the caller then answered and put it on speaker. “Hey chola,”
he greeted as he continued with Bianca’s makeup. “What’s up?”
“Bitch, I’m getting married!” Adore shouted excitedly from the other side of
the line.
Roy almost dropped the brush on his hand; he hadn’t been expecting that kind of
news. “Are you serious?”
“Yes! Justin proposed yesterday,” Adore answered. “I’d have called you sooner
but we were celebrating.”
“I bet you were,” Roy laughed. “Congratulations, bitch.”
“So… I have something ask.”
“Sure, go on.”
“Would you be my best man?”
“Me?” Roy asked “What about your childhood friends?”
“I already asked Courtney and she said yes,” Adore answered, “But I want you to
be my best man too, so don’t be an asshole and answer already.”
Roy laughed. “Sure cunt, I’ll be your best man, you can stop begging now.”
“Thanks B. One more thing, we’re having an engagement party… actually it’s more
like we’re going partying to celebrate our engagement, but you have to come
anyway.”
“I don’t know…you know I work every day.”
“We’re doing Sunday Funday and I know you don’t work in the daytime, so you’re
coming. No excuses bitch.”
“Okay, okay…but why Sunday?”
“So Jesus can bless us. No, dumbass, it’s cause it’s the day most of our
friends are free.”
“So I’ll finally meet the Aussie superstar you never stop talking about?”
“Yes! And then we can start planning my wedding.”
“Who would have thought you’d be the first to get married. I thought you were
too punk for that.”
“I know right.” Adore laughed. “Well B, I gotta go. I’ll text you the details
later”
“Sure, see you.”
*****
Roy arrived with Detox to The Abbey and went up to the VIP section where Adore
had told him they would be. They looked around and saw Adore and Justin talking
with a couple of blondes he didn’t recognize. Then they spotted Raja, Manila,
Raven, Morgan and Chad drinking and laughing in a corner and decided to join
them.
After a while Adore came to him and hugged him, yelling over the music, “B! I’m
so happy you made it. Come on, Justin is over there and you need to meet
Courtney.”
Roy let her drag him to the other side of the room until they stopped behind
the two blondes Adore was talking to earlier that now were laughing with
Justin. She tapped on the shorter one’s shoulder and whispered something in his
ear as the taller one gave him a once-over.
“Courtney, this is my friend from New York I’ve been telling you about,” Adore
said. “Meet Bianca.”
Shane turned with a smile on his face ready to meet the person he kept hearing
about when he was met with a familiar face. He felt all the blood drain from
his face and shiver run down his spine; he suddenly felt lightheaded and the
drink he had slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor.
“I… I… need some… air,” Roy said to no one in particular and hurried out of the
club.
“Court? Are you okay?” Willam steadied him when he saw him sway back a little.
“She looks pale.” Adore said.
“Let’s sit her in that booth,” Justin suggested and helped Willam. “I’m going
to bring her some water.”
“Bitch, how much did you drink?” Adore asked.
“That was her first.”
“Stop talking like I’m not here!”
“Here, have some water,” Justin handed him a bottle and he began to chug it
down.
“Courtney, what happened?” Adore asked.
“I’ll explain later. Where did Roy go?”
“Who the fuck is Roy?” Willam asked.
“I mean…B… Bianca.”
“Outside, I think, why?” Adore answered.
“Need to talk to him,” Shane said and went outside trying to find his childhood
friend and hopefully get some answers.
*
He stepped into the street and felt the cold breeze hit his face. It felt
refreshing; he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He could
have never imagined the night turning out this way. He had come to celebrate
his best friend’s engagement and get drunk off his ass, not face ghosts from
his past.
“B, what’s going on?”
He just shook his head at Detox; he didn’t feel like telling the whole story.
“Do you have a cigarette?”
“You don’t smoke.”
“It feels like a good time to start.” He took the cigarette and lighter his
friend offered him and lit it up. He sucked and inhaled deeply just to end up
choking and coughing.
“Told you,” Detox chuckled and took the cigarette from his hand.
“Fuck you,” he said between coughs.
“Roy?” They both turned to find Shane still looking a bit pale but better than
when Roy left. “Can we talk?”
“Uh…sure.”
“Text me if you need anything,” Detox said, and went back inside.
They looked at each other, unsure of what to say.
***** 2014 - February *****
Chapter Summary
     Time to face the music…
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Teen for some language
Shane shuffled from one foot to the other, looking at the ground, trying to
think of something to say. He was the one who asked to talk and now he was at a
loss for words. He still couldn’t believe that after all these years Roy was
finally standing in front of him and now he was acting like an idiot.
After a moment Roy broke the silence “I-I…uh…S-Sorry for… leaving like that… I
was shocked.”
Shane nodded, still unsure of how to act. “I… didn’t react well either. I just…
can’t believe it’s really you… How have you been?”
“Good. Not as good as you though.”
“What do you mean?” he frowned.
“Adore talks about you non-stop. She told me all about your career and journey
on Australian Idol.” Shane gave him a bright smile that left him breathless. He
hadn’t realized how much he missed that smile. “Congratulations on achieving
your dreams.”
“Thanks, but Danny makes it sound better than what it really is. I mean, I did
okay there, after Idol, but it wasn’t gonna last forever. So I moved back here
last year and things have been…it’s not that easy. There’s a lot more
competition and I just…” Shane trailed off.
Roy shook his head. “I would have never guessed you were his childhood friend
from Azuza.”
“I think I mentioned him in the letters you never answered,” Shane said, his
voice taking on an edge.
“What are you talking about?”
“Roy, please don’t. You know what I’m talking about.”
“I really don’t.”
Shane rolled his eyes and pursed his lips.
“Don’t give me that attitude bitch, and tell me what the hell you are talking
about.”
“Admit what you did. Stop being a fucking asshole.”
“How the hell am I the asshole? You’re the one acting like a fucking child!”
“Fuck you, Roy!” he bellowed. They noticed that everyone around was looking at
them.
Roy took a deep breath, trying to get his anger under control. “Can we go
somewhere quieter to talk?”
Shane nodded and tried to control the turmoil of feelings he was experiencing.
They walked to the park nearby and sat on a bench.
“Now let’s talk like adults.”
Shane opened his mouth to make a snappy retort but he knew that wouldn’t
actually help his point.
“What letters were you talking about?”
“Roy. Please. I wrote to you for a year, over and over again. Please don’t act
like you don’t remember. My heart can’t take it.” Shane’s voice shook, he felt
dizzy and short of breath.
Roy’s heart dropped to his feet. He shook his head in shock. “I didn’t get any
letters, Shane.”
Shane’s voice rose again, anger and pain taking over, saying, “You don’t need
to lie. It took me a while but I understood that you didn’t feel the same and I
got over it.”
Roy was confused and disoriented, but found himself matching Shane’s anger.
“Didn’t feel the same?!” he snapped, and then his voice broke as his anger
melted into the misery he felt at thirteen years old, tears stinging his eyes.
“I couldn’t fucking BREATHE when you left. Shane. I only got one letter. I kept
waiting for your address and it never came.”
Shane pressed a hand to his head, trying to quiet his racing thoughts. “I sent
it, and it was on every return envelope. I also called you over and over but
she told me that you were busy. I thought you didn’t care. I thought–”
“No one ever told me you called. Who did you talk to?”
“Your mum.”
Roy frowned and whipped his phone out of his pocket, dialing quickly.
“Who are you calling?”
“My mother. I need answers. You say you wrote and called, and yet I never got
anything, so she has some fucking explaining to do.”
After a few rings he heard his mother’s voice.
“Hello?”
“Hi mom.”
“Roy. How are you, mijo? Is everything okay?”
“Yes mom, I’m fine. You’ll never guess who’s sitting next to me.”
“Who?”
“Shane.” He waited for his mom to say something but he got nothing but dead
silence. “Mom? Do you remember Shane? He used to live across the street.”
“Of course honey. Tell him I say hi.”
“Well, we were talking and he told me something interesting. He claims he sent
letters when we were kids, after he moved, but I never got them. Did you?”
“Roy… I…”
“Mom, please tell me they got lost in the mail.”
“Mijo, I was trying to protect you.”
“What the FUCK, mom?!”
“Don’t you swear at me. I’m your mother.”
“How could you? You saw how heartbroken I was after he left!”
“Son, you were so depressed after you got the first letter and when the next
came I decided to keep it until you felt better. And…and then you got better
and I–”
“I wasn’t better! I was fucking pretending so that you would all leave me
alone! And still, you didn’t give them to me. You knew I checked the mailbox
all the time hoping to get any news from him. I even yelled at a mailman
because I thought he had lost his letters.”
“You did what?” Aida and Shane asked in unison.
“That’s a story for another day.” Roy shook his head. “Mom, you had so many
opportunities to give me the letters. So many fucking years.” Roy’s chest ached
and his stomach twisted.
“I know, and I wanted to, but you were slowly going back to your old self. I so
was scared that if you read his letters you’d go back to that hole, that you
would resent me again. Lo siento mucho hijo. Yo solo trataba de protegerte como
no lo pude hacer con lo otro. Espero que algún día puedas perdonarme.”
(Translation: “I’m so sorry son. I wanted to protect you like I couldn’t with
the other thing (coach). I hope one day you can forgive me”)
Roy felt his eyes filling with tears. He took a deep breath, trying not to cry
but a few tears managed to slip down his cheeks. Judging by his mother’s voice,
he knew she was crying too.
“Please tell Shane I’m sorry.”
“You’re on speaker mom. He’s listening to you.”
“Hello Mrs. Haylock,” he said quietly.
“Shane. I want to apologize for all the despair I may have caused. I didn’t
handle things the right way and I understand that now. I know you two didn’t
understand my reasons at the time and maybe you still don’t but you will when
you become parents.”
When Shane didn’t answer, Roy glanced at him and saw him staring at the ground,
his eyes shining with tears.
Shane blinked when he felt Roy’s hand on his giving him a gentle squeeze. He
opened his mouth to say something but the only thing that came out was a sob
and suddenly the tears he had been trying to keep at bay were now spilling down
his cheeks.
“Mom, I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
He wrapped his arms around his childhood friend, letting him cry on his chest,
shedding a few tears of his own as he ran his hand through Shane’s hair in what
he hoped was a soothing manner. Shane’s tears were soaking his shirt but he
didn’t care. It felt so good to have him back in his arms after so many years.
After a while he felt the trembles and sobs stop and Shane’s breathing returned
back to normal before he pulled back.
“I’m sorry for that… everything I had pushed to the back of my mind came
rushing back.”
“It’s okay,” Roy shrugged.
“I’m sorry for being an asshole earlier.”
“It hurt that you thought I’d ignore you,” Roy said. “I loved you…how could you
ever doubt that?”
“As the days passed by I started second guessing everything. I thought that me
saying I loved you all the time pressured you into saying it back.”
“You know I don’t say things I don’t mean.”
Shane nodded as tears filled his eyes again. He blinked rapidly trying to stop
them from falling. “God, what is wrong with me? I can’t stop crying”
Roy took his hand and squeezed gently. “Why don’t we put this whole mess behind
us and start fresh?”
“I’d like that.” Shane threw his arms around Roy’s neck and hugged him tightly.
The movement took Roy by surprise but he hugged his old friend back, burying
his face in Shane’s neck, inhaling his scent.
As they pulled back Roy saw Shane’s gaze fall to his lips. Impulsively, Roy
leaned down and kissed him. It was slow at first, testing the waters. Giving
Shane the chance to stop him. When he didn’t Roy licked Shane’s lips and Shane
parted his mouth, granting entrance. Roy slid his tongue inside, tasting the
fruity cocktail he drank earlier. Shane’s hands were pulling at his hair and
Roy bit his bottom lip hard, earning a groan from him.
Suddenly, Shane came back to his senses and pushed Roy away. He quickly jumped
to his feet trying to get some distance between them.
When he looked back at Roy he saw a mix of hurt and confusion in his eyes.
“I’m sorry… I can’t do this. I have a boyfriend.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“It’s not that… I just…”
“It’s fine Shane.” Roy lied. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
Shane sighed. He knew things were far from fine but he didn’t know what else to
say.
“I really need a drink.”
“Let’s go back to the club. First round is on me”
*****
Once they were back at The Abbey, they sat by the bar with Adore.
“What the hell is going on? Where were you?”
Roy told him a short version of their story minus a few details like the kiss.
“Fuck. I can’t believe you were THAT guy?! Man…we hated you.” Adore laughed.
“Sorry.”
Roy shrugged, taking a big gulp of his beer. “So… have you chosen a date yet?”
he asked, trying to change the subject to something safe.
“No, but we want it to be soon.”
“Well, we need to start planning then. We have so much to do.” Shane said,
already in party planning mode.
Roy tuned out from the conversation, just nodding and making sounds of
agreement when it seemed appropriate as he downed his beer and ordered another.
He took the opportunity to study Shane. Obviously, he had aged, it had been
almost twenty years since the last time they saw each other, but his face was
pretty much the same as he remembered. His tank top and tight skinny jeans
showed his lean, defined body and he really liked what he saw. He had also
noticed that his Australian accent was back in full force and it was the cutest
thing.
When he tuned back to the conversation they were still talking about the
wedding.
“Justin and I will go to see some venues tomorrow.”
“Ace!” Shane smiled.
“That’s so Aussie,” Adore laughed.
Roy arched an eyebrow at Shane and he said, “That’s something these whackers
started.”
“She’s always using Aussie slang and she can’t seem to get that she’s back in
America so Willam, Lasky and I call her out that way.”
Roy was laughing at their childish behavior when someone joined them, hugging
Shane from behind.
“Oh my god, Diego!” he squealed, “What are you doing here?“
“Hi babe. I got off of work early and thought I could come see my favorite
person in the world. Hi, Adore.” The guy glanced at Roy, giving him a charming
grin.
“Diego, this is my friend from New York, Bianca.”
He nodded at Roy, showing off straight white teeth and dimples, then pulled
Shane closer, kissing his neck.
Shane stiffened and looked at Roy who had focused on his drink.
The song changed and Shane took the chance to get away from the palpable
tension.
“I love this song. Let’s dance. Please. Please?” He grabbed Diego’s hand and
dragged him to the dance floor.
Roy looked at the couple dancing and studied Diego. The guy looked as if Shane
had taken him out of a fashion magazine. His wavy brown hair was trimmed
perfectly on top of his oval face with defined cheekbones and full lips. He had
olive skin that made his blue eyes pop as he gazed at Shane with adoration. He
was about twice Shane’s size with a muscular body and Roy understood why Shane
had pushed him away. Diego was everything he wasn’t and never would be.
Diego looked up and noticed Roy watching them. He raised an eyebrow then
focused back on Shane. He took his chin between his fingers and kissed him
softly.
Roy looked away, feeling a wave of nausea wash over him. He beckoned the
bartender and ordered a double shot, downing it quickly before he ordered
another.
The bartender arched an eyebrow at him and he growled, “Keep them coming.”
***** 2014 - February, continued *****
Chapter Summary
     Shane and Roy attempt to rebuild their friendship. Did we mention the
     word “attempt”…?
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Teen, for language and adult themes
     Warnings: gay slurs (as used in Bianca’s act)
Roy woke up, his head pounding, as his phone vibrated loudly on the nightstand.
He picked it up and saw that it was Adore, croaking out, “Hello?”
“Heyyyy bitch. How are you doing?”
Roy groaned.
“That good, huh?”
“Fuck. How much did I drink? I never get fucking hangovers anymore,” Roy
complained.
“I mean, it was a lot. But understandable, considering. That is NUTS about you
and Courtney. Or, Shane. Are you okay?”
Roy paused. Should he tell him? “Yeah. I’ll…be fine.”
“I’ve never seen either of you that shaken up. You know for years I literally
knew you as the dickhead dreamkiller who crushed his soul. It sort of makes
sense now.”
“Danny…”
“Oh my god. You’re boy-naming me? What’s the matter?”
“I am a fucking idiot.”
Danny laughed. “You’re like the smartest person I know, so I really hope that’s
not true.”
“I kissed him.”
“Whoa…did he kiss you back? What happened?”
“I…I guess he sort of did, at first. But then he pushed me away, and told me…I
feel like an asshole. Do you know his boyfriend?”
“Diego? Yeah, I know Diego. But…why would that be a problem?”
“Why the fuck WOULDN’T it be a problem?”
“Well, it’s an open relationship. Shane doesn’t really do monogamy.”
Roy’s blood turned to ice. “Oh. Well…he said…”
“Shit. Maybe…uh, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. I was just
surprised.”
Roy’s mind reeled. He didn’t know how to feel, or what to think. If Shane was
in an open relationship, why did he use Diego as an excuse to stop kissing him?
Unless…maybe he didn’t want to kiss him in the first place. But Roy could swear
that he seemed into it. So…fuck. Nothing made sense.
“Also I may have…kind of…invited him to our drinks tonight.”
“What?!”
“Sorry, I know! But he wants to get to know you better, and last night was such
a mess, and I thought maybe he’d forget but he texted me about it this morning.
He sounds excited.”
“Fuck.”
*****
Roy had an early gig, hosting a Drag Bingo, and then changed slowly, dreading
the rest of the evening. He knew that he’d have to get used to seeing Shane on
a regular basis, but couldn’t help the deep discomfort that made his stomach
churn and his muscles tense.
Despite his dawdling, he was the first one to arrive at K-24. He got a text
from Danny that he was “on the way.” He prayed that Danny at least got there
before Shane. He still didn’t know how he felt about being alone with him.
Roy did a double-take at the door when a stunning blonde girl breezed in and
broke out into a big smile, heading towards him. When she got closer, his mouth
dropped open.
“Miss me?” Shane said, tossing his wavy blonde hair over his shoulder and
fluttering his eyelashes. He slid into the booth.
“Holy shit, you are…damn.”
“I know, I know, I’m much prettier as a girl than I am as a boy,” Shane
laughed. “I’ve finally accepted it.”
“Well,” Roy smirked, “I wouldn’t go that far. But…you know, it’s close.”
Shane giggled.
“So. Anyway. Hi.” Roy took a sip of water, suddenly finding his throat a little
dry.
“Hello,” Shane replied.
“I…uh…I’m sorry about last night. To be honest, I don’t quite remember much.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m…I’m sorry too, if I…”
“You’re forgiven,” Roy proclaimed grandly.
“So…Bianca del Rio, huh?”
Roy chuckled. “Yep. And Courtney Act,” Roy pronounced the name slowly,
exaggerating Caught-in-the-Act, shaking his head. “You always did have the
cheesiest sense of humor. Remember how you laughed for 4 days at the muffin
joke?”
Shane burst out laughing. “Come on, that’s the best joke ever.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“I still remember the Spanish version, too,” Shane giggled.
Roy shook his head. “You’re crazy.”
Shane fluttered his lashes.
“So…I’m guessing your boyfriend thinks I’m an asshole.”
“No, of course he doesn’t,” Shane shook his head.
“Are you sure? If I was him and someone tried to kiss you, I’d knock them
sideways.”
Shane pursed his lips and twirled some hair around his fingers. The fringe of
feathery lashes made his green eyes brighter, and his pale pink lip gloss
shimmered slightly. It was still Shane, but somehow…more. Like Shane with the
volume turned up to 11. Roy couldn’t stop staring at him. In the nick of time
before things got awkward, Danny bustled in, apologizing for being late. Shane
moved over to let him into the booth as a waiter approached them.
He set two more waters down and gave Shane a knowing look. “Hey Courtney.”
“Hi…” Shane racked his brain.
“Devon,” offered the waiter, rolling his eyes slightly.
“Right.”
“You guys ready or do you need a few minutes?”
Danny jumped in with, “Let’s get a round of Strawberry Fields to start off.
We’ll order in a few.”
“You got it,” Devon said, sashaying away. “Bye Courtney.”
“Bye Derek.”
“It’s Devon,” chimed Roy and Danny at the same time.
“Oops,” Shane whispered.
“Another one in your trail of tears?” asked Danny, then turned to Roy and
explained, “Courtney gets around. Gay boys, straight boys, they all want to
fuck her–OW! Bitch, why are you pinching me?!”
Shane glared at Danny and huffed under his breath. “Stop spreading my business
around.”
“Oh, suddenly you don’t want to talk about your amazing sex life? Since when?”
Roy bit his lip to keep from laughing. Obviously Shane had grown up a lot in
the years since he’d seen him last. “It’s okay, Shane.”
“It’s not like Adore says. It’s more…I just, I believe in free love.
Polyamory.”
“Uh-huh.”
Shane cringed, remembering how he pushed Roy away with the excuse of having a
boyfriend. He lowered his eyes, then looked up timidly and gave Roy a sheepish
smile, cheeks darkening. Danny glanced from Roy, gazing at him intently, to
Shane, who looked more demure and bashful than he’d ever seen him. “I mean,
Diego and I are basically monogamous, when we’re both in LA.”
Danny couldn’t resist teasing him. “What about that guy from Rage who gave
you–”
“I said BASICALLY, Adore!” Shane snapped, eyes flashing.
Danny giggled. “I wasn’t trying to slut-shame you, Court. Bianca’s kind of a
whore, too, you know.”
It was Roy’s turn to scoff at Danny, irritated.  
Shane perked up a little. “You have sex in drag?”
“GOD, no!” Roy exclaimed, and Danny laughed. At Shane’s expression, Roy
softened a little. “I mean, no, it’s just…Bianca is not…I’m not trying to be
pretty, or sexy, in drag. I’m like…I’m a clown. I can’t do that.” He gestured
to Shane.
“Gotcha,” Shane leaned forward and tongued his straw, keeping his eyes on Roy
the whole time.
Danny covered his mouth with his hand to smother a giggle, watching Roy sweat
and pant through parted lips. He looked like a cartoon character with heart
eyes and tongue lolling on the floor.
“Soooo…” Danny said slowly, “About my bachelor party…”
*****
Roy was nervous doing his makeup. Something he hadn’t felt for a very long
time. Shane was coming to the show tonight with Adore and Alaska. And to make
things worse, he was bringing Diego. (GAG!) Detox leaned over his makeup table
to steal a sponge and knocked over a can of hairspray, which in turn pushed a
jar of powder off the surface and into Roy’s lap.
“You fucking cunt!” Roy gasped.
“Um. It has a lid. Calm down.” Detox picked up the hairspray and the powder and
righted them. “Why are you so jumpy?”
“Nothing, sorry.”
“Alright…” Detox eyed him in the mirror, not buying it.
Roy sighed and swiped contour under his cheekbones, willing himself to get it
together.
Once he was onstage, though, he began to feel better. It always amazed him when
he could be more himself as Bianca than he could as Roy. Bianca was a fierce
fucking bitch, a rude cunt, Roy’s fantasy of what it would be like to rule the
world as a diva who took no shit from anyone. Bianca wasn’t in desperate love
with her childhood crush. Bianca didn’t love anyone.  
Halfway through “her” act, she started to collect volunteers from the audience.
She got an Asian woman, a black man, and then she called out, “Okay, now I need
a fag bottom. Come on, West Hollywood, this is 90% of you, where are you?”
A real thirsty bitch in the front started waving his hand around. Ugh, he
looked exhausting.
“Ho, I see you, but we already have an Asian. So calm down,” Bianca scoffed,
then added, “Ironically, his last name actually is Ho.” Everyone laughed as she
scanned the audience for her next victim. Her eyes locked with Shane’s. He
shook his head slightly, both fear and glee in his eyes, as Bianca pointed a
finger at him and beckoned him up. “Get up here.”
Adore shoved Shane towards him, clapping her hands excitedly. Shane climbed up
onto the stage and stood beside Bianca.
“So some of you might recognize this cunt, because when he’s not being a big
old whore bottom, he’s wearing a light dusting of powder and a wig and
performing as his even bigger whore alter ego, Courtney Act. She’s like totally
famous in Australia.”
Shane simpered at the audience. “Come see me next Monday at Revolver–”
“Yeah, yeah, shameless plug. Now what I don’t understand is, why you have so
many straight female fans. Straight bitches…listen up…he’s going to steal your
husband! And I promise you, no matter how loose his asshole might be, it is
still tighter than your pussy.”
“You know, I’m not strictly a bottom,” Shane said, tossing imaginary hair off
his shoulder.
“Oh yeah?” Roy mocked him, imitating the hair toss. “Listen, slut, fucking a
girl in high school doesn’t count.”
“I topped last week!” Shane cried indignantly. Diego winked from the audience.
Bianca winced and then covered it up by feigning disgust. “Stand up, Diego,”
she ordered, and he rose to his feet. She put her hands on her hips and turned
to Shane. “You topped him? He’s twice your fucking size. At least.”
“Well, I did,” Shane tongue popped.
Bianca raised one eyebrow almost to her hairline. “Yeah, and what was that
like?”
“Um…a bit like a pomeranian fucking a rottweiler,” Shane admitted.
Bianca cackled and put her arm around Shane’s shoulders. She motioned for Diego
to sit down. “We’re done with you, Mary. Your 15 seconds of fame is over. Sit,”
she instructed. She then announced to the audience, “I have to be honest, my
friend Shane here and I go way back. We were friends in elementary school.”
“Awww!” came from the audience.
Bianca shook her head. “Shut up. No, but I knew him growing up, and he loved to
sing and dance and play dress up and all those faggy things, but the fucking
gayest thing he EVER did…”
A look of mild dread washed over Shane’s face.
“…was when he tried, for just one season, don’t worry…to play baseball.”
Shane doubled over laughing.
“I mean this kid…” Bianca imitated Shane mincing around the bases, hands
fluttering. She put her arm back around Shane. “Your daddy was so proud.”
Shane wiped tears from his eyes, unable to stop giggling. “He did buy me ballet
shoes a few months later.”
Bianca pressed a kiss to his cheek, leaving a huge red mark, and murmured under
her breath, “You look relieved. What did you think I was gonna say?”
“I thought you’d talk about the treehouse,” Shane admitted quietly.
“That’s in the vault,” Bianca said, winking, a mischievous glint in her eye,
then added loudly, “Go sit down, fag,” with an affectionate little shove,
gesturing to the chairs behind her. Shane fluttered his eyelashes and did as he
was told. “Now! Last one…I need a big butch dyke. Any dykes here tonight
besides the DJ?”
*****
Roy emerged from the dressing room in a tank top and shorts, and made his way
to the couches where his friends sat. Normally he would have left his makeup
on, but tonight he’d carefully removed it. Only a trace of eyeliner was still
present on his face.
Shane watched him out of the corner of his eye. His smooth tan skin stood out
against the bright white of his tank top. He was compact but well-defined, and
Shane shifted uncomfortably, aware that the hammering in his chest was not from
Diego’s hand on his waist. He averted his eyes, focusing back on Diego.
“Hey chola! Great set tonight!” Adore grabbed Roy’s hand and pulled him down.
“Thanks,” Roy said, his eyes glued to Shane, who hadn’t noticed him, since
Diego was whispering something in his ear, causing his eyes to dance with
laughter. Roy’s skin felt hot and itchy. He looked away, over to Detox, and
nodded at her. “That new Nicki number is pretty badass.”
“Thanks B! I’m glad you’re over your crankiness,” quipped Detox, handing him a
cocktail from the bottle service.
He rolled his eyes and sipped on the drink. A gentle kick caused him to turn
his head, and Shane smiled down at him. “Hey.”
“Hi,” Shane replied.
“What…uh, what did you think?”
Shane sat down next to him. “Now I know why Danny is obsessed with Bianca del
Rio.”
Roy chuckled. “Because she has questionable taste?”
“No! You’re amazing up there. And not just because of how funny you are, but…I
don’t know, it’s like you command the stage.”
“Well, I’ve always been a loudmouth bitch.”
Shane rolled his eyes. “Will you knock it off and just accept a damn
compliment?”
“Sorry. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Shane put a hand on his shoulder and dropped his voice down
low. “She’s a little scary looking though.”
Roy burst out laughing. “That’s called ‘beauty.’ Don’t be jealous.” He felt
Shane’s fingers against his skin and tried not to squirm.
Shane grinned, wondering how long he could touch him before it would get weird.
His palm began to get a little sweaty.
“And thanks for being such a good sport, by the way.”
Shane’s fingers moved lightly against his skin. “It was fun. Being on stage
together.”
Roy swallowed. He knew that it was wrong to feel this turned on. They were
supposed to be rebuilding a friendship. But another part of Roy felt
something…something like relief. All of these years, when Roy thought of Shane,
it had been accompanied by deep guilt that grew as he got older. Every year,
the age gap between Roy and the twelve year old in his head widened, making him
feel sick and dirty, like that child molesting asshole in Lolita. How could he
be 19…24…30, and still think about Shane? But seeing him now, he was assured
that it was SHANE he’d always been obsessed with, not the fact that he was
young or innocent or naive. For the first time since he was ten years old, he
felt cleansed of the nagging guilt over what he always worried was some kind of
perversion. He gazed at this glowing, radiant man in front of him, knowing that
his feelings might be misguided or unrequited, but at least they were no longer
immoral. God, he was so fucking perfect. And the way Shane looked back at him,
with bright eyes and an open energy that warmed his heart, he found himself
thinking that maybe…maybe all hope wasn’t lost.
A deep voice snapped them out of their fog. “You wanna dance?”
Shane looked up at Diego, surprised. “You hate dancing.”
“Yeah, but, you love it. And I love you,” he winked. “Please come.”
“Oh, VOMIT,” Roy said, and Shane laughed. “Sorry, was that out loud?” He batted
his lashes innocently. Diego’s eyes appeared to darken at him for a split
second, and then his attention was back to Shane.
Shane giggled again and held his hand out to Diego. “I mean, I’m not gonna say
no to a cheesy proposal like that!”
Diego smiled and put his arms around Shane, kissing his neck. Roy really
thought he might throw up, and rolled his eyes in an exaggerated way. Shane
followed Diego to the dance floor, glancing back at Roy just once, just for a
split second, just enough to make Roy’s heart hammer like crazy.
 
Bonus: The Muffin Joke (The cheesy joke that Shane used to laugh at when they
were kids)
(Spanish) Hay dos pasteles en el horno. El primer pastel le dice al segundo,
“Ay ay ay, hace mucho
calor, verdad?” El segundo pastel responde, “AY DIOS MÍO, UN PASTEL QUE
HABLA!!!!!!”
(English) Two muffins are in the oven. The first muffin turns to the second
muffin and says, “Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just me?” The second muffin
replies, “AUUUUGH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!”
***** 2014 - March - April *****
Chapter Summary
     Shane is starting to feel the tension. Danny and Justin are having
     trouble adulting.
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Explicit
Roy’s bedroom looked different. Smaller. And Roy looked different. He wasn’t
thirteen, he was an adult, in the same white tank top he’d been wearing last
night, with the same slender, surprisingly toned shoulders. He sat on his bed,
looking at Shane with a slightly tortured expression.
“You…really want this?”
Shane wasn’t twelve either. He was himself, with all of the feelings surging
through his body that he’d felt the last time he was in that bedroom. He
touched Roy’s face, brushing his lips against Roy’s softly, tasting the
sweetness of his plush mouth.
Shane gripped the scruff of Roy’s shirt and pressed their lips together harder,
slipping his tongue into Roy’s mouth. His entire body was alive and tingling.
He swung a leg over and straddled Roy on the bed, grinding down against him.
This is the part where Aida comes in, Shane thought, bouncing a little on Roy’s
lap, trying to make the most of their last few moments together. He’d relived
this scene in his head so many times. He knew exactly when Aida was supposed to
burst through the door.
But as their kiss deepened, tongues tangled together, Roy’s hands sliding into
his pants, no one opened the door. His body started to relax and then before he
knew it, their shirts were tossed to the floor, pressed chest to chest, hands
wandering, not able to get enough of Roy’s smooth tan skin. Roy’s arms wrapped
around him protectively, and he whimpered against his mouth, bearing down
against him.
Roy leaned forward, laying him down onto his back and pulling off his bottoms
in one fluid motion. And then a hot, wet mouth against him. He whimpered again,
arching up, desperate for more, aching for him. He yanked on Roy’s pants and
then suddenly he was there, filling him up, hands on his waist, on his face,
lips sucking on his neck, pumping into him.
Shane began to moan, trying to stay quiet at first but then as Roy thrusted
over and over, he lost control and gave in to the moment. He dug his fingers
deep into Roy’s ass cheeks, ankles locked around his waist, crying out for
more.
The first wave hit him and his body began to quake, muscles contracting, sweat
dripping down and causing their skin to become slippery. He came hard, staring
into Roy’s beautiful brown eyes, and then it felt like he blacked out from the
sheer pleasure of it all…
He woke up with a jolt, the fullness the first thing he was aware of as he
opened his eyes. His dick was in his hand and covered in his own release, but
there was something else. Then as he woke up completely, he realized that Diego
was inside him, thrusting into him vigorously. He could tell by the rhythm that
Diego was on the edge, and swallowed his conflicted feelings, letting his
boyfriend finish, stroking his back.
Diego collapsed next to him, panting. Shane turned to the side to face away
from him, ignoring the strange sensation he had of being somehow…he couldn’t
even name the feeling. Violated? That was too strong. Arms circled Shane’s
body, a face kissed his neck.
“God, that was incredible,” Diego murmured.
Shane couldn’t deny that it was incredible. Well, part of it anyway. He nodded.
“What…I was sleeping. What happened?”
Diego chuckled. “You started rubbing against me, moaning and whimpering, you
wanton little slut.”
“Oh. Sorry.” Shane normally liked that kind of dirty talk, but tonight it made
him feel hollow.
“Are you kidding me? I don’t know why, but that was the best it’s ever been.
You’re so fucking hot,” he said.
Shane suddenly didn’t want to talk anymore. He just wanted to be held. So he
snuggled back against Diego, and pulled his muscular arms tighter around him.
“Awww, honey. I love you,” said Diego, burying his face in Shane’s hair.
*****
They sat across from each other at the small, dark booth. Shane fidgeted and
looked into Danny’s eyes beseechingly. “Can I tell you something, and will you
promise not to repeat it to ANYONE, even Justin?”
“Of course, boo,” Danny promised. “Don’t worry, there’s a lot I don’t tell
Justin. Mostly about weed smoking but still.”
Shane threw up his hands. “Don’t make me laugh! This is serious!”
“Okay, okay, sorry.” Danny put down his phone and looked Shane square in the
eye.
“I kind of maybe…had a sex dream about Roy.”
Danny tried not to react. “Was it good?”
“Ridiculously good. Like…ugh.” Shane placed his hands on his cheeks,
distressed.
“You do realize that all you’d have to do is beckon your little finger and he’d
come RUNNING, right? I don’t think he ever got over you.” Danny cocked one
eyebrow, taking a sip of his drink.
“That’s the problem. I’m not…I’m not the same person I was. I don’t think he
really wants me, I think he wants that lovestruck twelve year old.”
Danny grimaced. “Well…that’s kind of gross and molest-y.”
“No, not like…fuck you, Danny. I just mean, I was this innocent, sweet kid, and
that’s the person he loved, the person he remembers. And now…”
“And now you’re a haggard, cynical, bitter bitch?”
“Basically.” Shane stirred his water with his straw, watching the ice cubes
swirl around.
Danny rolled his eyes. “Shane. I don’t think he expects you to be the same
person you were when you were twelve. He’s not dumb. He knows that people
change.”
“I just…I can’t really explain to him, the extent to which it DESTROYED me when
I never heard from him. And I know, well now I know, it’s not his fault. But
even so…it’s like I get that he was a victim of the whole thing too, like on an
intellectual level. But emotionally, he is still the guy who ripped my heart
out. And I can’t…I don’t know what I’m talking about.” Shane’s eyes looked far
away.
“Maybe you should be talking to him about this.”
“Are you crazy?” Shane cried, horrified, “I can’t! That would be…so unfair.”
Danny bit into a dinner roll and spoke with his mouth full, “Do you want me to
talk to him?”
“If you utter a word of this, I will kill you with my bare hands.”
“Okay, okay. So…does that mean you don’t want to hear about how big his dick
is?”
“No!”
“Really, cause it’s pretty legendary.”
Shane covered his face with his hands and whimpered. “Why are you the fucking
worst?”
Danny threw back his head and laughed. “I mean, I know you already saw it, but
I’m guessing he hadn’t reached his full potential when he was, what, thirteen?”
Shane rolled his eyes. “I never saw his dick.”
“Or, okay, felt it.”
Shane shook his head, “Nope.”
Danny furrowed his brow in confusion. “How did you fuck him without seeing or
feeling his dick?”
“Uh. I didn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t fuck him when I was twelve. Why in god’s name do you think I did?”
“You said! That you had sleepovers and that you…fooled around and…I don’t know.
Fuck. I could’ve sworn you said to you fucked him.”
“I mean, we did fool around. He gave me my first handjob.” Shane bit his lip.
“Are you blushing right now?!” Danny cried, delighted.
“Shut up, Danny.”
“Oh my god, this is amazing. You know, all these years I thought you were this
sexual prodigy, losing it at twelve.”
“Nope. Sorry to disappoint you. I was eighteen.”
Danny shook his head. “Still, a handjob at twelve is pretty admirable.”
Shane broke off a piece of a dinner roll and chucked it at Danny’s face.
Danny ducked out of the way and then said, “Hey, Shane…”
“Yeah?”
He grinned, holding his hands apart, indicating a healthy dick size.
Shane’s cheeks darkened and he covered his face. “Stop it, you little cunt!”
*****
“Do we really need a registry?” Danny sighed, leaning on Justin’s shoulder.
“This doesn’t seem very punk rock, you guys.”
Shane laughed, guiding them both down the aisle of Bed, Bath and Beyond. “Yeah,
you guys have like 2 plates and 4 bongs in your kitchen cabinets.”
Justin giggled. “That’s ‘cause we’re never HOME.” He wielded the scanner in his
hands like a ray gun.
“If we want a home cooked meal, we’ll just go to my mom’s house. Or Bianca’s!”
Danny said brightly.
“I didn’t move from New York to be your personal chef, asshole,” Roy said.
Danny scratched his head. “You didn’t? What a bummer.”
“Idiot. How about a set of pans? This one comes with a free potholder.”
Justin grabbed him by the hand. “Ooh, pasta makers! Come over here!” He pulled
Danny over, scanning various non-essentials.
Roy shook his head. “Those two are fucking hopeless.”
Shane smiled. “They’re pretty cute, though. Let them play for awhile. I promise
we won’t let them leave without scanning at least a few normal things.”
“Deal.”
They began walking in the other direction, giving the happy couple some space.
“So, how have you been?” Roy asked. “I haven’t seen you for awhile.”
“I did that cruise, and then I had some corporate gigs. They aren’t as much fun
as clubs, but they pay pretty well.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Asian businessmen really love Courtney.” Shane grinned mischievously.
Roy laughed. “I’ll bet they do.” He absentmindedly picked up a candle and
smelled it, then winced. The vanilla was sickly and overpowering.
Shane ducked behind another shelf and emerged a second later with a wicked
smirk on his face. “Guess what I found?” he sang softly.
“I’m afraid to ask,” Roy responded.
Shane walked up to him and held up a small plastic bottle, eyes glittering with
naughty glee. Mango lotion. “I didn’t know they sold lube here.”
Roy opened his mouth to speak, but then got flustered by Shane opening the
bottle and inhaling the scent, eyes closed, lips parted.
“Fuck, that’s good…” he breathed.
Roy could feel the blood rushing to parts of his body where it shouldn’t be.
Not on a friendly wedding-registry outing. On a Wednesday afternoon. He
snatched the bottle out of Shane’s hands. “Would you…knock it off, please?”
“Sorry,” Shane said, looking not the slightest bit sorry. He bit his lip, eyes
still locked with Roy’s.
“You’re as bad as Adore and Alaska. Where are they, anyway?”
“Back that way,” Shane gestured with his head.
“Great.” Roy turned and began walking.
Shane waited a beat and then hurried to catch up. “I…Roy, I’m sorry. I was just
fucking around.”
Roy nodded.
“I mean, it was almost 20 years ago, but that scent still gets me…you know…”
“Really? That’s what does it for you? Shitty mango lotion?”
Shane laughed. “Yeah, well. It’s the sense memory, I guess. Don’t you have
any?”
They rounded the corner, saw Danny and Justin laying on one of the display
beds, hitting each other with throw pillows. Roy stopped. He didn’t really want
to continue the current conversation, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to
intrude. He felt a little like a caged animal. He looked over at Shane, at his
big green eyes, and cleared his throat. “Um…I dunno…maybe…”
“Yeah? Tell me.” Shane stepped closer, putting a hand on his shoulder, and
pouted, “Please….”
“Cheeto dust,” Roy admitted, averting his eyes. “Y’know, when it gets
all…sticky…” He could feel Shane’s eyes still glued to him, dancing in that
gleeful, irritating way, and his cheeks burned with embarrassment. He shook the
smaller man off of his arm. “Whatever, shut up!” he exclaimed, and then walked
forward, calling out to Danny and Justin. “Hey, fuckfaces! Time to get serious!
Pots, pans, dishes! I’m in charge now!”
“Ooh, yeah, take charge, Daddy!” Danny said, fluttering his lashes, sprawling
out on the bed. Justin giggled.
Roy glanced at Shane, who flashed a bright smile, pulling on Danny’s hair.
“Knock it off and listen, Danny!”
“Well, this is a fantasy come true,” Danny remarked, as Justin doubled over
laughing.
***** 2014 - April *****
Chapter Summary
     Roy gets Caught in the Act, the guys attempt menswear, and Vanessa
     comes to LA for a visit.
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Explicit
Roy had seen Courtney a few times in the month since reconnecting with Shane,
but it was the way he blushed crimson at the mention of one of his music videos
that made Roy curious enough to finally go down the rabbit hole of Courtney Act
videos on youtube.
And…holy shit. Some of them were typical Shane, being goofy and adorable as
fuck, often with Willam or Adore or some other random queens. There were
professional reels and Courtney shilling makeup on a cheesy Australian morning
show. But it was the music videos that really did it.
How was he so fucking BEAUTIFUL? And why was the sight of this dazzling blonde
bombshell making him feel so many things? He’d never in his life been attracted
to a woman. But Courtney was…well, she was Shane. Shane’s wicked smirk, and
Shane’s bedroom eyes, and Shane’s responsive body arching with pleasure and
tilting his head tantalizingly. He replayed the end of “Rub Me Wrong” about
eight times, his abdomen tightening more every time Shane licked his lips and
winked at the camera.
It was during “Body Parts” when he was finally so rock hard and flushed that he
couldn’t take it anymore. The first time he watched it, he was simply
enthralled, palming himself lightly, but the second time, the instant he heard
Shane’s seductive whisper, (Hey, what are you up to? I need you to come over.
I’ve got something to show you…) he slipped a hand into his underwear and began
to touch himself. Slowly at first, gently fondling his balls and imagining
those lips on him, that tongue. Oh god, that tongue.
He stroked his dick, staring at the screen, watching Shane just ooze sex. The
expression on his face, looking like he was about to come, kept making Roy’s
eyes roll back. What he wouldn’t give to put that expression on Shane’s face,
even just once. He played the video a third time.
The words were so evocative that Roy’s mind spun in a million different
directions. Soon, without realizing it, he was jerking off furiously, moaning
and panting and watching the images of Shane flicker over the screen. In that
harness, the boots, even the closeup of his perfect face caused Roy’s dick to
throb.
As the video ended again, Roy pushed his computer away and leaned back against
the pillows, pumping harder, squeezing his eyes shut. He had a flash of Shane
hovering over him on all fours, and swore he could feel Shane’s perfect ass in
his hands, taste his sweet mouth on his tongue. In all the years, he’d never
allowed himself to imagine actual penetration, because in his mind, Shane was
still so young and so innocent. But now, all bets were off, and his mind
exploded with the fantasy of ploughing into him over and over, making them both
come so hard that their minds empty of everything but each other.
Roy was not usually vocal, especially when he was alone, but by the time he
came, he was moaning so loudly and the bed was shaking so hard that he thought
someone might call the police. In the last second before he blew, he stopped
moving his hand and simply squeezed his cock, imagining Shane clenched around
him. As his release soaked his pajama bottoms, he let go and felt his body go
slack, chest heaving.
He curled to the side, hugging a pillow, the reality of the situation hitting
him like a ton of bricks. The love of his life was with someone else. Someone
he could never live up to. And he just jacked off watching him dressed up as a
woman. What in god’s name was wrong with him?
*****
Roy woke up the next day to the sound of his cell vibrating on the side table.
He reached over and answered it groggily.
“Hey, what are you up to?” Shane said.
At the sound of those words, Roy had a kind of Pavlovian response, feeling his
dick get hard immediately. Fuck. “Um, not….much.” He cleared his throat.
“Okay, well if you have some time today, I need you to come over. I have
something to show you.”
Roy’s stomach lurched. His hand went involuntarily to his crotch and his
breathing quickened.
“Roy? Hello? Aww, I guess you’re still not a morning person,” Shane giggled.
Roy’s vision was blurry with lust, but he managed to croak out, “No…uh, I’ll
call you in a bit. Gonna…jump in the shower.”
“Great, let me know. I have a bunch of ideas for Danny’s bachelor weekend and I
think it will be easier to show them to you in person. I’m running errands for
an hour or so, but then I’ll be home until about three.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Roy hung up and flopped back onto the pillows, his heart pounding in his
throat.
*****
Roy exited the dressing room, an uncertain expression on his face. Shane’s
mouth went dry at the sight of him. He was so fucking handsome, and his
adorable insecurity made him even more so. Shane wanted to launch himself at
him then and there. He swallowed hard.
“Heyyyyy, look at you, hottie!” Danny said.
“I don’t…I think the collar is messed up.”
Shane stood and helped him fix the collar, fingers brushing against the back of
his neck. “There, that…that’s better.”
“You sure I look okay?” Roy fingered the cuffs.
“Yeah, you look…you look…”
“You look sexy as fuck,” Danny offered.
“It’s crazy, I never wear formal menswear. I have no idea what I’m supposed to
look like.” He laughed nervously.
Shane chuckled along with him. “I know what you mean. They’re gonna have to
take in this jacket all over or I’ll look like a 6 year old. Maybe I should be
a ring bearer instead.”
Roy doubled over laughing. “You’d be a perfect ring bearer, Shane. Perfect.”
“Or a flower girl,” said Danny.
Shane blew a raspberry at Danny. “How dare you question my strapping
masculinity, Danny!” He pranced over to a rack of ties. “So we’re wearing pink
ties, yes?”
*****
Shane stood at Roy’s door, holding a bottle of Rosé, shifting nervously. He
took a deep breath and then knocked. After a few moments, the door was flung
open and arms wrapped him up into a warm hug. “Shanie!”
“Hey Nessa!” Shane said, hugging her back tightly.
“Jesus Christ,” Roy said from the foyer. “Are you crying, Nessa? What the
fuck?”
“Shut UP, Roy!” Vanessa pulled back, holding Shane by the shoulders, looking at
his face. Tears were streaked down her cheeks. “I can’t believe you’re all
grown up,” she sniffled.
Shane could feel himself tearing up as well. “Aw, Nessa…”
“Goddammit…” Roy said, turning around and walking back into the apartment.
“Feel free to come in when you’re done with this tear-soaked love fest!”
Vanessa put her hands on Shane’s cheeks. “Shane…” she said seriously, “I am
seriously, I can’t even tell you, I’m so happy that you guys reconnected. Roy
doesn’t know this, but I spent years trying to find you. I didn’t know…I didn’t
know where you were. I thought you were in LA, so I was just like, looking in
Los Angeles, but…fuck, Shane. I didn’t know how to use the internet back then,
and I–I’m sorry.” Tears fell from her eyes again.
“Nessa, it’s not your fault,” Shane said. “I’m sorry. I should have tried
harder.”
Vanessa shook her head. “You were just a little kid. I really…I honestly
thought, for so long, that maybe something terrible happened to you. I tried
not to think about it. I used to have nightmares.”
“Nessa, I’m sorry!”
She grabbed him again, hugging him tightly. “I’m so happy you’re okay. And
you’re so handsome.”
“Seriously!” Roy barked. “Come eat this damn vegan lasagna!”
*
“She’s gorgeous!” Shane exclaimed, looking at pictures of Vanessa’s daughter.
“She looks exactly like you!”
“She’s sassy, too. She’s like her Uncle Roy, unfortunately. And last week she
found some videos of Bianca online. Hoo boy, are we in for some trouble.”
“Hey, Bianca is a great role model,” Roy defended himself. “A tough bitch who
takes no crap.”
Vanessa shook her head. “For a 9 year old?”
“Yeah!”
“She asked me what a ‘faggot bottom’ was.”
“Just show her a picture of Shane,” Roy said.
“Dickhead.” Shane stuck his tongue out at Roy, who grinned mischievously.
Vanessa turned to Shane. “Oh my god, by the way. I am in LOVE with Courtney. I
watched that video of ‘Ugly’…you are amazing.”
Shane smiled. “Thank you.”
“Roy said you did Australian Idol in drag…like the whole time, as Courtney. Is
that true?”
“Yeah. I had to get up like 2 hours before the other girls and paint and
like…transform, and basically live as a woman. It was nuts. And I’d only really
been doing it for a few years. My first time in drag was when I was 18.”
“Well,” Vanessa said, “Actually. Your first time in drag was my communion
dress.”
Shane laughed. “I forgot about that. Does that really count, though? I wasn’t
wearing makeup.”
“You don’t wear makeup now,” Roy answered. Shane made a face at him.
Vanessa grinned. “I put lip gloss on you. Oh man, you were so pretty.”
“What I really want to know,” Shane started, hand under his chin, eyes
sparkling, “is how Aida reacted the first time she saw Bianca…”
Vanessa looked at Roy. “There may have been threats of homicide.”
“Wholesome family fun,” Roy added.
“Yikes.”
“She’s cool now, though. Age has mellowed our crazy bitch of a mother.”
Shane chuckled. “Good to know.”
“What about Annette? She was the best. I’m assuming she was fully on board with
Courtney from the start.”
“Oh yeah. Although, she wishes I wore more natural fibers, and she’s slightly
miffed that I am supporting the objectification of women by buying into
Eurocentric hetero-normative beauty standards.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah. Dad loves it, though. So…”
“I thought drag was just like…a dude in a wig and a dress.”
“Times are changing,” Shane explained. He looked up at Roy, refilling his wine
glass. “Thank you…”
*
“So…” Vanessa said, settling beside Roy on the couch, after Shane left. “What
the fuck is wrong with you?”
Roy put his arm around her. “Well, that’s a rather loaded question, doncha
think?”
Vanessa laughed. “I guess. But I mean, like, why the hell aren’t you guys
together?”
“He’s got a boyfriend.”
“Really.”
“Yes, really.”
“That is a cop-out and you know it,” Vanessa said. “You guys totally want each
other. Anyone with half a brain could see that. You’ve wanted each other since
you were in grade school.”
Roy sighed. “What do you suggest I do, Vanessa? Throw him against a wall and
rip his clothes off?”
“That’d be a start!”
“That may work in porn and romance novels, but this is real life.”
“Okay, fine, be miserable. That’s a much better plan.”
“Shut up,” Roy whimpered, resting his head on his sister’s shoulder.
***** 2014 - May *****
Chapter Summary
     We head to Palm Springs for a Bachelor Weekend fraught with tension.
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Teen
Danny and Justin opted for a joint bachelor weekend in Palm Springs, or as
Justin described it, “We wanna take the gay bus to Gayville and just gay it the
fuck uuuuuuuuup!”
“So…a lot of sports, then, right?” Roy asked.
“Totes,” Justin nodded, and Danny laughed hysterically.
*****
“Roy, what the fuck are you doing? No one cares about food!” Willam screeched,
snatching a handle of tequila and pouring a bunch of shots.
The group was gathered in a big, beautiful home in Palm Springs that Shane had
found. Justin’s brother, Cory, was making margaritas, and Roy was grilling up
sausage and peppers, having already made giant bowls of pesto fusilli and fruit
salad.
“Listen queen, if you literally eat nothing all day, I’m not holding your hair
back while you puke,” he called back to Willam.
Shane leaned against the doorframe, watching them bicker back and forth, Roy
trying to convince everyone to eat. For some reason, watching Roy play mother
hen to the group was both amusing and bizarrely sexy. The way he took charge
and cared for everybody was stirring something in Shane that he couldn’t quite
put his finger on.
“I’m on paleo,” Detox whined, “Can I have one without the roll? There’s so many
carbs here.”
“I swear to christ, if one more of you motherfuckers says you’re on paleo, I’m
gonna throw you in the fucking pool. Eat the fucking food on the fucking bread,
and like it!” he barked, shoving a plate at Justin, who laughed and took it.
“Yes, Daddy,” Danny chirped, skipping over.
Shane smiled, biting his lip. He stepped outside and walked over. “Um, I don’t
want to trigger another fit of rage here, but I’m a vegan,” he said, cowering
behind Danny in pretend fear.
Roy sighed and looked up at the sky for a second, then held up a package of soy
sausages. “I know. I got you covered.” Roy sliced open the package and added
the soy sausages to the grill.
“You’re using the same spatula?” Shane asked, raising his eyebrows.
Roy shot him a nasty glare, and Shane burst out laughing.
“I’m kidding! Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Pain in the ass.” Roy shook his head, rolling his eyes, then
looked up and met Shane’s eyes, unable to stop the dimples from appearing in
his cheeks.
*****
Roy walked around the patio with a laundry basket, gathering wet towels from
the ground so that he could toss them into the machine. He passed by Shane,
who’d fallen asleep in one of the lounge chairs, and paused.
Shane’s cheeks were slightly pink from sitting in the sun all day, which was
fucking adorable, but there was something else. Seeing him this way - no walls,
unguarded, peaceful - it was the closest he’d come to looking like the boy Roy
remembered. The boy with a heart so big and so open that love just radiated
from him like sunshine.
Roy swallowed. He had the strongest urge to bend down and run a hand through
his silky blonde hair, to press a kiss to that sweet mouth. Instead, he knelt
down beside him and touched him gently on the arm. Shane started awake, and he
murmured, “Hey. Sorry, I just thought you might not want to sleep in the sun
too long. Even though it’s going down. You know. I don’t know if you’ve got
sunscreen on.”
Shane smiled softly. “Oh…right. Thanks.”
“Thanks for not saying ‘Daddy’ like the groom to be.”
Shane laughed. “I told him that’s fucking weird.”
“No shit.” Roy winked and stood up, picking up a few more towels.
*****
Shane sat in the hot tub, trying not to look at Roy’s skin glistening in the
evening light. Why were they alone? Where was Willam, calling him an asshole
and slapping him? Where were the grooms?
Detox walked by, asking, “You guys want jello shots?”
“Why not,” Roy answered.
Shane cleared his throat, happy for the temporary distraction, and looked up at
him. “No thanks.”
“You sure, Court?” Detox asked, handing one to Roy, who downed it and gestured
for another.
“Uh, yeah. I don’t hold my liquor as well as the rest of you.”
“Afraid of what you might do?” Detox wondered, with a naughty glint in his eye.
“Something like that.” Shane chewed on his lip and forced a laugh.
“Well, let me know if you wanna find out,” he chuckled, walking away.
“Will do,” Shane said weakly to no one in particular.
“You alright?” Roy asked softly.
Shane nodded and looked away. Tried not to imagine what would happen if only he
had the courage to hook his finger into the side of Roy’s bright red bathing
suit and just pull. He closed his eyes. Fuck.
*****
“Hey, why are you all by yourself over here?” Shane asked, coming up behind
Roy, putting a hand on his shoulder. Roy glanced back at him, shifting
uncomfortably. The pounding bass and strobe lights were causing him to feel
mildly claustrophobic, especially given how much he’d sobered up from earlier
in the evening.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just figured someone should keep an eye on him while he’s
doing this crowd-surfing bullshit.” Roy gestured to Danny, who had once again
dove off a platform into the sweaty, delirious crowd.
Shane giggled, swaying a little on the balls of his feet. “Oh, yeah, good
idea.” He stepped a little closer as a huge dude dressed in leather squeezed
behind him.
“You know, I mean…” Roy trailed off, unsure of what he wanted to say. Only
knowing that he wanted Shane to stay close to him, to not let go.
Shane’s hand slid from Roy’s shoulder down his arm. He bit his lip, looking up
at Roy with big, soft eyes.
Roy swallowed, unable to tear his eyes away from Shane’s. For a few moments, it
felt like they were the only two people in the room.
And then, of course, the spell was broken. Danny slipped off Justin’s
shoulders, and Willam grabbed Shane by the hand, dragging him back to the dance
floor with a drunken scream of “Courtney, you fuckin slut, get back over here!”
And suddenly it was back into the bachelor party mayhem all over again.
Shane glanced back over his shoulder at Roy, but by then he was busy helping
Danny up, and by the time Roy looked for him, the crowd had swallowed him and
Willam back up, too.
*****
“Tell Courtney she’s being a buzzkill!” Willam screeched, sitting on Shane’s
thighs, attempting to pour a cocktail directly into his mouth. “Drink,
goddammit!” Once they’d gotten back to the house, they’d decided to keep the
party going, and were currently sprawled around the livingroom.
“I had enough! I’m already white girl wasted, Bill! Leave me aloooone!” Shane
whimpered.
“Willam, come on. Let him be,” Roy said, flopping down next to them on the
sofa.
“Ooh, Daddy’s mad at you Will! You’re in trouble now!” Detox slurred gleefully,
causing Danny to shriek with laughter, burying his face in Justin’s neck.
“I’m so thrilled this Daddy shit is catching on.”
Shane giggled. “I can imagine you with kids someday, being like…” he affected a
stern voice, “I told you, ‘Daddy’ is a filthy word, you are NEVER to call me
that. You may call me ‘Father’ or ‘Sir’!”
Justin burst out laughing. “Sir is kind of hot too, though.”
“Yeah, I could get down with Sir,” Danny agreed, giggling.
Roy let his head drop into Shane’s lap. “Thanks for this.”
“Sorry,” Shane said, laughing and running a hand lightly through his thick
hair, until he caught himself and pulled it away, swallowing, looking
everywhere but Roy.
“You guys are really fucked up…” Cory murmured from where he lay on the floor.
“Sir is not sexy. As a marine.”
Roy gazed up at Shane, who was now pointedly avoiding eye contact.
“Anything you say in a marine uniform is sexy. Especially the kind with the
tearaway pants,” Willam argued.
“Those are not regulation, Willam. Those are just for strippers.”
“Okay, well, those are my favorite, so why you gotta ruin it?”
Shane yawned. “I think I’m gonna turn in. I’m starting to feel a little–”
“Boo, you whore,” Willam said. “Just drink more, you’re fine.”
“Goodnight, Bill. I’ll try to save you some space in the bed.”
“That’s cute. As if I’m not just pushing you onto the floor the second I walk
into the room.”
Shane kissed Willam on the forehead, who aggressively wiped it off like a
child, punching him on the arm for good measure. He started to get up, gently
moving Roy’s shoulders so that he could stand.
“Goodnight,” Roy said softly, sitting up.
“Goodnight.”
*****
Roy tossed and turned in his bed, desperate to quiet his racing mind, stomach
in knots.
“Gurl, would you please stop? Some of us are still drunk and you’re making me
fucking dizzy…” Detox slurred from the other side of the bed.
“Sorry.”
“S’alright…”
“Hey, De?” Roy swallowed, staring up at the ceiling fan turning in slow, lazy
circles.
“Yeah?”
“Am I a total idiot?”
“Yes.” Detox answered without missing a beat. Even drunk and nearly asleep, you
could always count on him to be a cunt.
Roy sighed.
“You need to get laid.”
“That’s not my problem, De. I just…I’m bored with casual sex. There’s gotta be
more.”
“That’s really gay,” Detox said, laughing.
“Fuck off.”
“Just let it go, dude.”
“But…De…I was totally getting vibes from him all day.”
“Yeah, well, right. That’s the problem, B. He clearly wants to fuck you. So why
hasn’t he? There’s obviously a reason. Maybe he’ll change his mind, but until
then…I’m telling you, let it go.”
Roy pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, letting out a groan of
frustration.
“And if you’re gonna jerk off, don’t get it on the sheets.”
“Fuck you, Detox.”
***** 2014 - June *****
Chapter Summary
     Wedding Bells are ringing for Team Adore Delaska. But some people are
     feeling more celebratory than others…
At long last, the day of the wedding had arrived.
Danny wriggled in his seat, nervous and excited, as Shane attempted to tie his
tie.
“Hold still!” Shane laughed. “Menswear isn’t my forte, and you’re not making
this easy.”
“Sorry,” Danny giggled, pursing his lips in a kissyface, which Shane returned.
Roy sat down beside him. “So…you sure you’re ready?”
“Pretty sure,” Danny replied casually.
“Well, I just want you to know, that we’re here for you. We know this is a
really big day, and we love you, and–”
Danny turned to him, giving a girlish head tilt and big baby Jesus eyes with
fluttering lashes.
“Stop it. I’m trying to have a genuine human moment here.”
“Oh, I know, keep going Daddy…” Danny cooed, followed by an infectious giggle.
Roy crossed his arms. “Well, if you’re gonna be an asshole about it,
nevermind.”
Shane pulled out a black eyeliner and began to lightly line Danny’s bottom lid.
“I have no idea why you thought he would take any of this seriously. I mean,
that was your first mistake.”
“Well, it’s a fucking marriage. It is serious!” Roy insisted.
“Oh, chill out, B. If it doesn’t work out, we can always get divorced.” Danny
said, with a charming smile.
Roy scoffed. “That’s cute, bitch. Is that in your vows?”
“Nope. My vows are a very heartfelt cover of Uncle Jesse’s song ‘Forever’ from
Full House.”
“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!” Roy screeched.
Danny burst out laughing again, hugging Roy around the waist. “You are so easy.
No. But you really need to chill out…why are you so tense? I’m the bride,
here.”
“I actually think Alaska would enjoy hearing you sing ‘Forever.’ He’d
appreciate both the cheesiness and the nod to 90s sitcoms,” Shane mused.
“I’m singing it during dinner,” Danny said.
Roy shook his head. “I give up.”
Danny lunged forward, climbing into his lap and wrapping his arms around Roy’s
shoulders. “I’m sorry, Daddy, don’t be mad…”
Roy pushed him onto the ground. “Get offa me, you sick fuck. I’m not your
fucking dad.”
Danny sighed, eyes downcast. “I know. I don’t have a dad.”
“Nice, Roy.” Shane helped Danny up. “Real supportive.”
“Well, he–I–when–” Roy sputtered.
Both Shane and Danny doubled over laughing again, and Roy stomped out of the
room, muttering, “Both of you can go fuck yourselves!”
*****
Roy approved of the bossy, uptight event coordinator, who was currently shoving
everyone into their places with no bedside manner whatsoever. When she scolded
Shane for not paying attention (he was in the midst of telling Cory some
animated story about a gig and both of them were drifting out of the line), Roy
turned to Heather, Alaska’s sister, and grinned. “I like her.”
Heather laughed. “Yeah, they need someone like her to keep this shitshow on
track, don’t they?”
During the ceremony, Roy found himself regretting the whole thing. Diego kept
sending Shane these soft-eyed, meaningful looks, and at one point he feel his
hands balled up into fists so tight, his heart beat so fast, he thought he
might give himself a stroke.
Afterwards, he beelined straight for the bar, loosening his tie. He barely paid
attention to the happy couple’s first dance - a dramatic performance to
Whitney’s “You Light Up My Life.” When they asked everyone to join them on the
dance floor, Roy had the foresight to ask for another drink. Because there they
were, Shane and that douchebag Diego, laughing, looking as close and happy as
ever. Roy sipped his drink miserably, trying not to fantasize about being the
one with his arms around Shane’s waist, brushing the hair off his forehead,
gazing into his eyes as they held each other close. Stop it, you fucking
idiot.He turned away from the dance floor, stomach burning with shame and
regret.
*****
“Roy?”
Roy turned around from the bar, where he’d just been handed his third drink,
wondering if he should slow down. He still had dinner and a speech to get
through, and needed to be at least semi-coherent. He groaned inwardly. What a
long fucking night it was going to be. He looked up into the face of the woman
who’d just tapped on his shoulder, and was hit with an unexpected wave of
nostalgia.
Annette Janek.
He opened his mouth, but found himself speechless, even…maybe a little choked
up. Fuck.
Annette threw her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. “Roy, my
love, it is absolutely wonderful to see you! I can’t tell you how thrilled I
was when Shane told us that he ran into you, after all these years.”
Roy nodded. “Yeah, I…thank you.” He gripped the glass in his hands, feeling
slightly ashamed of the way he must look, drowning his sorrows, unable to even
pretend to be happy for his friends without first getting hammered.
“I knew you’d be here tonight, and so I brought you a little something. I was
going through Shane’s old things a few weeks ago, just some Spring cleaning,
you know, and came across this in one of his scrapbooks. It’s just a copy; he’d
murder me if I took the original…” Annette pulled a folded up piece of paper
out of her handbag, sliding is across the bar.
Roy took it from her, wondering what he was in for, setting his drink on the
bar to open it up. Whatever it was, he told himself, he would not get weird or
emotional.
“It’s from that pageant you did, in your backyard. Do you remember?” Annette
said.
Roy stared at the drawing in his hands, stomach in knots. “Yeah, I remember.”
His voice was hoarse.
Annette touched his cheek. “It’s so good to see you, darling.”
Roy nodded. What the fuck was wrong with him? “You too. And thanks, for…this.”
He tucked the paper safely into his pocket.
Annette slipped an arm around Roy’s waist and then turned to assess the party.
“So, you're going to dance with me, right?”
“I don’t really dance.”
“Oh, come on. I mean neither does Diego, but that’s not stopping him from going
out there and looking like an idiot.” She gestured to the dance floor, where
Diego was attempting to twirl Shane and nearly knocking over Justin’s
grandmother.
Roy chuckled. “Well, he’s obviously a superior being.”
“Hardly,” Annette scoffed, rolling her eyes.
Roy looked over at her with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Not a fan?”
“I know my son. Let’s just say he’s not long for this world.”
Roy polished off the rest of his drink in one gulp, trying to suppress his
smile. He took Annette’s hand. “Come on, let’s dance.”
*****
The speeches went off without a hitch. Roy wasn’t used to public speaking
without the armor of Bianca, but his idea of doing a joint speech with Shane so
that they could play off each other worked beautifully. (As Shane put it, “You
write the jokes, and I’ll look pretty,” and as Roy put it, “If we’re bombing,
I’ll just insult you. Prepare yourself.”)
As they slipped back into their seats for dinner, Shane noticed Diego gone from
his seat. “How long has he been missing?” he asked Heather.
“Uhh, I don’t know…like a few minutes?”
Shane pursed his lips.
“He was getting a bunch of messages before he left, and then his phone rang
so–”
“I’ll be right back.” Shane got up, irritated.
Roy raised his eyebrows at Heather, taking a sip of his drink.
*
Shane found Diego pacing in the lobby, on the phone.
“Did you leave in the middle of our speech?!” he exclaimed.
Diego turned, giving him the “one moment” gesture with his finger. Shane’s
mouth dropped open dramatically. He crossed his arms, tapping his foot,
prepared to really lay into him. Diego continued to speak into the phone.
“Uh huh…yes, I–alright, alright, I’ll take care of it!” Diego hung up, heaving
a huge sigh. “Baby–”
“Don’t you ‘baby’ me, what the fuck–”
“There’s some crisis with the investors at work, they’re calling an emergency
meeting for Monday and Joe is demanding that I go back in to lead the team all
day tomorrow. I am so sorry, but I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry, I really
am, I–”
Shane’s face softened. “They’re making you go back?”
“Yeah, I have to go in tonight, actually. I need to pull numbers from the past
4 quarters, and I can’t–”
Shane slid his arms around Diego’s waist. “Why don’t you work from the hotel
room? We can bring you food, and–”
“The internet here is shit and I need to connect to the server. I’m sorry, I
know this fucking sucks, but there’s no reason for it to ruin your night. I’m
sorry. I hate this fucking job.”
“Me too.” Shane kissed Diego on the cheek and said, “Listen, take my car and
I’ll get a ride home with someone else.”
“Yeah, thanks, I was gonna.”
Shane laughed. “Glad we got that sorted.”
*****
Roy looked up at Shane as he sat back down. “Everything cool?”
“Yeah. He has to leave. Work emergency.”
“Hmm, what a shame,” Roy said flatly, lifting his glass to his lips.
Shane narrowed his eyes at Roy for a split second before breaking into a smirk
and holding up his own glass in a toast. “Bottom’s up.”
***** 2014 - June, Continued *****
Chapter Summary
     The Wedding Day continues with an afterparty. Some people handle
     booze better than others…
The afterparty was when the real fun happened, anyway. Ties and jackets came
off, strobe lights came on, music sped up and liquor was consumed by the
bucket.
Shane came bounding over to Roy and Detox at the bar, tie stuffed in his jacket
like a pocket square, shirt loose and halfway open. “What are we drinking?” he
asked. His eyes were already slightly glassy.
“I’m drinking Fireball. What are you drinking?” Roy looked him up and down.
Shane giggled, “I’ve had a couple. But I’ll try…what is it?”
Roy laughed and gestured to the bartender for 3 more shots. He handed one to
Shane and slid one over to Detox, who winked at him and backed up. Roy shook
his head slightly, but De snickered and then turned, walking away. Roy looked
back at Shane, holding up his shot glass. “To Danny and Justin.”
Shane smiled. “To love.”
Roy swallowed hard and forced himself to keep smiling, clinking glasses, and
then both of them downed their shots.
Shane winced, making a horrible face, and started coughing. “Oh my fuck, how do
you drink that? It’s so vile, it’s like cinnamon candy but it BURNS! Oh, shit.”
Roy laughed, shaking his head. Shane grabbed a handful of cherries from the bar
and started popping them into his mouth. Roy rolled his eyes at the bartender
and said, “Can you please give me another shot of Fireball and a Kamikaze?” He
turned back to Shane. “You’ll like this one.”
“Ugh, I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. I mean, I was just mouth-raped
by a bunch of red hots,” Shane said.
“This one is vodka, lime, and triple sec. It’s sweet,” Roy said, leaning in. “I
promise you’ll like it.”
“Okay, fine.” Shane picked it up and clinked glasses with Roy again. “To second
tries,” he said, with a mischievous grin.
Roy nodded, his voice hoarse as he responded, “Good one. Cheers.”
They slammed their shots back, and then grinned at each other. Shane grabbed
Roy’s hands. “Come on, let’s go dance.”
“I…I never dance,” Roy protested.
“Not even with me?” Shane simpered.
Roy felt his knees go weak and his defenses lower. “Okay, fine,” he said.
Shane pulled him onto the dance floor, where a heavy base pumped, filling their
ears and pulsing through the floor. Danny, who was obviously shit-faced, was
wrapped around Justin, kissing his neck. Through half-closed eyes, he spotted
Roy and Shane and smiled sleepily. “Awww, my sisters!” he slurred, and slung
one arm around Shane’s neck.
“Hey gorgeous,” Shane said, licking his cheek.
Danny shrieked with glee. Justin laughed, still holding him up by the waist. “I
fuckin’ love you guys!” Danny said, and broke out into a grin.
“We know, you messy bitch. We love you too,” Roy said, ruffling his hair.
“You know, B and I have something in common,” Danny said, leaning in towards
Shane conspiratorially.
“Oh yeah?”
Justin started to pull him back, “Danny, maybe you shouldn’t–”
Danny waved him off and continued. “Yeah, you were the first boy we ever loved.
Both of us.” He started laughing.
“Jesus, Danny–” Roy started.
“It’s fine! Justin knows. I was 10 years old and Shane was 15 and I loooooooved
him. Nothing ever happened though.”
“Danny, you are such a silly cunt. And I love you, too.” Shane kissed him on
the mouth, laughing, and then said, “Go dance with your husband.”
Justin giggled and pulled him close again, kissing him passionately.
Shane turned back to Roy, smirking, grabbing him by the lapels. Someone
squeezed behind him on the crowded dance floor and he leaned in, pressing
closer to Roy.
As things got hotter and sweatier, Shane swayed slightly, the alcohol making
him a little dizzy, the body heat making him a little lightheaded. Roy held
onto him to steady him.
“Thanks,” Shane whispered. “Sorry.”
Roy nodded, felt like he was in a slightly delicate situation. He tried to
quiet his pounding heartbeat. Thank god for loud music.
Shane rested a head on his shoulder. Roy tightened his arms and then saw Willam
smirking at them. He looked away and there was Detox, giving him a knowing
look. And Justin, head tilted and soft eyes smiling.
He cleared his throat, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but that crowded dance
floor with all their friends’ eyes on them. “Shane…you wanna get another
drink?”
Shane lifted his head, blinking a few times, and smiled. “Sure.”
*****
Roy pushed Shane against the wall next to his room and searched his jacket
pockets for a room key. “This better be the right room, Shane.”
Shane’s eyes were hooded as he replied, “It’s right. 265. I remember because
it’s my parent’s address. Wrong pockets,” he smirked saucily and turned around,
pressing his hands against the wall and sticking his ass out.
Roy rolled his eyes slightly and pulled the room key out of his back pocket,
unlocking the door and holding it open. Shane didn’t move. “Well? You’re here,
go inside.”
Shane twisted around slightly but kept his feet planted. He slid one arm round
Roy’s neck. “Help me.”
Roy knew that this was a terrible idea. All it was going to lead to was more
disappointment. More heartache. More regret. “Sure,” he said, supporting
Shane’s unsteady weight with one arm and leading him inside. The door closed
behind them with a soft click.
***** 2014 - June, Continued *****
Chapter Summary
     Well…it’s happening…
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Explicit
Roy dropped Shane, who was giggling, onto the king-sized bed in the center of
the room and bent down to take off his shoes. Shane began unbuttoning his shirt
the rest of the way, still lying on the bed. Roy stood up, taking his hand and
helping him sit up so that he could remove his jacket and shirt.
“You okay?” Roy asked, squeezing his hand, not wanting to let go.
Shane started to nod but then he looked up at Roy and shook his head, releasing
Roy’s hand and tossing his clothes to the floor. The truth was, Shane wasn’t
nearly as drunk as Roy thought. But the stumbling helpless act had successfully
gotten Roy into the room, and the alcohol he had consumed had given him enough
liquid courage to not want him to leave. And now…
“What’s wrong?” Roy’s heart started beating faster at the intensity of his
eyes.
Shane didn’t answer, but instead kept their eyes locked on each other and
rested a hand on Roy’s belt buckle. Roy was frozen, unable to move. When he
didn’t stop Shane after a few seconds, he began to slowly unbuckle Roy’s belt.
Roy licked his lips. Part of him wanted to say no. This wasn’t supposed to be
how it happened. Drunk, casual, in the room that Shane shared with his goddamn
boyfriend the night before. It was supposed to be epic, romantic, everything
that they’d been missing for 20 years.
And yet…he looked down at Shane. His green eyes hungry and full of desire. His
mouth parted slightly. He shed his jacket and let it fall to the floor. He ran
a hand gently through Shane’s hair while Shane removed his belt and started to
undo his pants. His hair felt different then when they were kids. It was
thicker now, courser. Roy rubbed his fingertips in circles on Shane’s scalp.
Shane pressed up into his hand like a kitten, and then pulled him onto the bed,
crawling on top of him. He pulled his dick out of his pants and stroked it
gently. He smirked up at Roy, and said “Good job growing up.” Roy had a moment
of concern–he’d had a lot to drink tonight. What if he couldn’t get hard? But
then he just let his eyes fall closed, enjoying the sensation of Shane’s hot
mouth against him. Licking him, swirling his tongue, sucking softly and then
harder as Roy’s dick began to grow.
And oh god, it was so good. And yet there was something bothering Roy–they
hadn’t even kissed. What was this? Was Shane gonna suck him off and then send
him away? Or did he want more? Should they have talked about it? If Roy did try
to talk about it, maybe Shane would get cold feet and as much as Roy needed to
say how he felt, a part of him, guiltily, didn’t want to risk that.
And then he was so close. He tightened his fingers in Shane’s hair, thrusting
into his mouth, but then Shane stopped and suddenly he was rummaging around in
his bag, pulling out condoms and lube and tossing them onto the bed. He ripped
his bottoms off frantically, at one point kicking Roy in the stomach by
accident. “Shit! Sorry!” he exclaimed, throwing his underwear and pants to the
ground and crawling back to straddle him. “Are you okay?”
Roy chuckled, “Yeah, I’ll survive.”
Shane grinned and rolled a condom onto Roy’s pulsing cock, spreading lube down
the shaft. His eyes were bleary with alcohol as he raised up and started to sit
down on Roy’s dick. Roy had a flash of concern that he wasn’t prepped that was
confirmed when Shane cried out, half in pain.
“Baby, are you okay? You didn’t…you didn’t let me prep you–”
Shane giggled slightly. “I forgot. I might be a little drunk. Oh well.” He
laughed again, leaning forward, resting his elbows on the bed, adjusting to the
fullness and trying not to wince in pain.
Roy stroked his thighs soothingly. Tried to keep his own body still. But god.
He was so tight, so fucking sexy, skin buttery soft and naughty eyes flashing
in the dark. Roy’s body began to thrust up rapidly again and again, and then he
had the sinking feeling that he wasn’t going to last long and FUCK, no, this
was happening so fast. Why couldn’t he keep it together? He moaned, exploding,
filling the condom and shrinking away in shame. He felt thirteen again, that
burning embarrassment of not wanting Shane to see his face. “I’m sorry, I’m so
sorry,” he repeated.
Shane looked down at him, a little surprised. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, I
shouldn’t have–”
“No, it’s not your–”
“But I just wanted to–” Their eyes met again and Shane started to laugh. Roy
felt relief flood through him and he laughed too, pulling out and tossing the
condom into the trash. His underwear was around his knees and he pulled it up,
sighing.
Shane was in an undershirt and no bottoms. He curled up beside Roy. “I might
not have even been able to get hard tonight anyway, to be honest. I had a lot
to drink.” He giggled again, self-conscious.
“Yeah, me too. So I guess that was…”
“A disaster?”
“Yeah. Fuck.”
Shane laughed and buried his face against Roy’s shoulder. “I guess we’re better
off as friends, huh?”
Roy’s heart started beating wildly again. Had he really ruined this? He wanted
to speak up. To say that no, they were not better off as friends. He was
desperately in love but he didn’t want to share with fucking Diego. That
asshole. He wanted to tell Shane everything he felt, but instead, he said,
“Yeah. I guess so,” and smiled sadly, picking his pants up off the floor and
sliding off the bed.
And then a hand gripped his shirt tail, and a soft voice said, “You’re not
gonna leave, are you?”
Roy stopped, and turned around. Shane pulled him back onto the bed. “I figured
you’d want me to–”
“I want you to stay.”
Glancing down at him, Roy replied, “Okay…one condition though. I mean, since
we’re just friends.”
“Sure, what?”
“Please put some damn underpants on.” Roy settled back against the pillows,
tossing his pants back to the ground.
Shane burst out laughing. “God, you’re so strict.” He reached over into his
bag, flashing Roy a wicked grin as he slid on a pair of turquoise briefs.
Roy shook his head, opening a bottle of water on the nightstand and taking a
long sip. He wiped his mouth and handed the bottle to Shane. “Here, you need
this more than me.”
“Thanks,” Shane said, gratefully gulping it down.
“So…cute wedding, huh?”
Shane smiled. “Yeah. I love seeing how happy they are.”
“And apparently you were Danny’s first love.”
Shane laughed again and grabbed a pillow. “I think he was exaggerating. He
probably just had a little crush or something.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Roy said softly, “You’re pretty lovable.”
Shane bit his lip and looked away.
Roy decided to change the subject. “It was really cool to see your parents.
Especially your mom.”
“Awe, yeah, that made her so happy, too. She’s always loved you so much.”
“Even after I…even when you thought I was ignoring you?”
“Well. I mean, at the time, she seemed to be on my side. I guess that’s how
you’d say it. But when I talked to her about it recently, she admitted that she
always figured there was more to the story. But she also figured that if
someone was going to that extreme to keep us from talking, then I was probably
better off moving on with my life.”
“Yeah. I guess…I guess she was right.”
“Maybe.” Shane looked at Roy with eyes that, for the first time since they saw
each other back in May, looked wounded. A shadow of who he used to be flickered
behind the shiny, happy surface.
Roy could feel his skin getting hot. He had the strongest urge to kiss him, but
he knew he shouldn’t. Instead, he reached for his hand. “Hey.”
Shane moved toward him, eyes getting misty. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m–”
“It’s okay,” Roy said, pulling him close.
Shane curled up against Roy’s body, head resting on his chest. Roy wrapped his
arms around him. Shane was still feeling tipsy, and had a sensation of the room
spinning. He closed his eyes, breathing in Roy’s familiar scent, feeling both
safe and slightly guilty. He knew it was wrong, allowing Roy to get this close.
One of them was bound to get hurt.
Roy rubbed his face against Shane’s head, hands stroking his back, fingertips
trailing up and down his spine. He wished his heart wasn’t beating so loudly.
He wished that he hadn’t fucked everything up that first night. He wished he’d
been more aggressive about finding him when they were kids. Surely he could
have called information and gotten their number? He wanted to go back in time
and shake that thirteen year old Roy, passively waiting for letters and letting
himself get sucked into a deeper and deeper depression.
Shane toyed with the buttons on Roy’s shirt. Some of them were open, and he
slid his fingers inside. He knew he was playing with fire right now, but in
that moment, he didn’t care. He felt a rush of endorphins, nestled in Roy’s
arms, yearning to touch him, to press their bare chests together like they had
when they were kids. A hand went up under Roy’s shirt and suddenly the question
of whether he could get hard tonight was answered. He tangled his legs around
Roy’s, rubbing against him.
Roy tilted his chin up. He bent down and slowly met his lips in a soft,
tentative kiss. They broke apart, breathing hard. “Shane…” Roy began, fingers
gripping the back of his undershirt, “I lied earlier. I can’t…I can’t just be
your friend. It’s killing me.” His eyes were full of tears. This might be the
end. He might be destroying everything. Again. But he couldn’t hold back any
longer.
Shane turned around, swung a leg over him and looked intently into his eyes. He
waited a beat, sitting firmly against Roy’s groin, and then took Roy’s face in
both of his hands, enjoying the feel of his skin, the honesty in his beautiful
chocolatey eyes.
Roy’s breath hitched as everything unsaid came pouring out. “I love you. Okay?
I cannot remember a time when I didn’t love you. You were my whole world and
when you left, it was like my soul was fucking destroyed. I want you so badly,
Shane. These past few months have been torture. I can’t live without you for
another second.” Roy felt like his chest had cracked open, his heart physically
exposed. Oh, god, it hurt. He took a breath and whispered desperately, “Don’t
make me. Please. I know you feel it–”
Shane silenced him with another kiss, deeper and more intense than the last.
Their tongues tangled together and Roy felt like he was lit up from within, his
heart bursting with joy, fire and ice racing through his veins. Shane pulled
back to gaze into Roy’s eyes. He watched Roy’s face as he removed his
undershirt, chest heaving. He finished unbuttoning Roy’s shirt and slipped it
off. His tight white t-shirt was sweaty, and Shane peeled it off of him. He
pressed another kiss to his open mouth, finally skin to skin with him for the
first time in 20 years. Roy’s arms circled his waist, holding him close as
Shane rocked his hips.
Roy could feel the tightening of his stomach as his body responded to Shane’s,
all of the blood rushing to his groin, getting harder and longer and suddenly
this grinding though the underpants wasn’t enough. He ached painfully. He
rolled them over, still kissing him, hands sliding down into his underwear to
squeeze his perfect ass. He tugged the briefs down and tossed them aside, then
trailed kisses down his jaw, his neck, his collarbone. He kissed every inch of
his torso, feeling him get more and more heated as he made his way down,
fingers digging deep into his shoulders.
Shane arched his body up, one leg over Roy’s shoulder. Roy’s mouth on his
stomach inching it’s way down was driving him crazy. He could feel his body
trembling in anticipation as Roy got closer and closer to his dick. And then
suddenly a warm tongue was on his inner thigh. His abdomen was tight with
desire and his cheeks burned. Whimpering, he grabbed onto Roy’s hair and tried
to force his way inside his mouth. Roy looked up wickedly, stroking his soft
skin.
Roy drizzled lube onto his fingers and began to toy gently with Shane’s ass,
still raw from earlier. He licked at the head of his dick with a soft tongue,
sliding one finger inside him slowly, coaxing a breathy moan as he added a
second finger. He worked his fingers around, curling them against Shane’s
prostate and sucking harder on his dick, taking it deeper into his mouth. Shane
writhed below him, panting and moaning and pulling at his hair.
Roy withdrew his fingers, going back in with three this time. He pumped his
fingers in and out, kissing up Shane’s stomach to his chest, licking his
nipples and then up to his neck. “Are you ready?” he asked, hot breath on
Shane’s pulse point making him shiver.
“Yes, yes yes!” Shane arched up into him, whimpering again as Roy withdrew his
fingers, caressing his ass.
Roy pulled himself up and sat back on his heels. He tore a condom open with his
teeth, rolling it on quickly and lubing up his throbbing cock while Shane
clawed at his thighs. He grinned, sliding his hands up Shane’s thighs and
wrapping them around his waist. Breathing heavily, he looked up into Shane’s
face, flushed with desire. He bent forward to kiss him and Shane’s hands wound
into his hair again as he thrusted his hips forward.
Roy sat back again, gripping his waist as he pushed forward into him. Shane
arched again, moaning, yanked hard on Roy’s hair. Roy paused for a moment to
let everything sink in before he began pumping. He finally had him. After all
of these years, it was finally happening. His rhythm started out slow and
controlled, carefully watching Shane’s face; when his eyes rolled back into his
head, he knew he'd found the right angle. He kept one hand on his waist and
hooked the other one under his leg, driving in deeper and speeding up so
gradually that it was almost imperceptible, until he was thrusting into him so
hard and deep and fast that they were both in a frenzy.
He leaned forward again, hands sliding up to rub Shane’s nipples. Shane
clutched his shoulders, so overcome that his moaning stopped and he simply
gasped for breath. He needed to come so badly that he couldn’t take it, and
reached a hand down to stroke his dick. Roy slid his own hand down and joined
Shane, stroking together with him while he found his mouth and massaged their
tongues together.
Shane was so overstimulated that he almost blacked out as he came, crying out
in ecstasy when his entire body spasmed and shook. He arched up over and over,
his muscles clenching around Roy, who finally let himself go, coming so hard
that it felt like an out of body experience. Every nerve was on fire, exploding
with all the passion that had been building up inside of him. By the end he was
barely moving, just cradling Shane’s body against his as their toes curled and
waves engulfed them, hitting them again and again. Dizzy and disoriented, their
lips found each other again as if by instinct. Roy cupped Shane’s face in his
hands, opening his eyes to look at the dream coming true in front of him,
watching his eyelids flutter, touching his flushed cheeks, his swollen lips.
“Oh god, Shane,” he breathed. “That was…you are…fuck.”
Shane’s eyes opened and he giggled, stroking his thick dark hair. “Yeah. Tell
me about it.”
Roy gazed at him for another beat, drinking in the moment, his sparkling green
eyes and soft smile, before pulling out and holding him close, relishing the
feel of his skin.
Shane asked softly, “Do you want to go get cleaned up?”
Roy nodded, helping him up off the bed, arms still tight around his waist. They
showered together, laughing and kissing and teasing each other, and then fell
back into bed wrapped in big fluffy hotel robes.
Roy gathered Shane against him and slid under the covers. He sighed, kissing
the top of Shane’s head, smelling his still-damp hair and letting happiness
engulf him like a cloud. A giddy laugh slipped from his lips. Shane lifted his
head and looked at him. “What’s so funny?” he asked, fingers brushing Roy’s
cheek, which was rough with the shadow of his beard growing in.
Roy looked at him, taking a deep breath. “I’m just…I’m just happy. I don’t ever
remember being this happy. Shane, you…you are all I have ever wanted.
Everything I have ever wanted.” He caught Shane’s fingers, pressing them to his
mouth, and whispered again, “Everything.”
Shane swallowed, unable to speak, and kissed him softly on the lips. He laid
his head on Roy’s chest, closing his eyes.
Roy shivered, a thrill rippling through him as he drifted off to sleep.
***** 2014 - June, continued *****
Chapter Summary
     The Aftermath. Remember that part about people getting hurt?
Shane couldn’t sleep. He watched Roy’s even, contented breathing beside him,
and the more he thought about what Roy said, the more panic rose in his throat.
Everything I have ever wanted. Everything. How could he be everything when he’d
spent more than half of his life making sure that he was free - of commitments,
of obligations, of roots…He didn’t deserve to be anyone’s “everything,” didn’t
know if he even could. Roy was better off without him. He hated himself for
letting last night happen. He hated himself for those brief moments when he
could imagine their life together, if only he wasn’t so fucked up. If only he
was what he used to be.
He carefully got up from the bed, thanking the universe for the gift that was
Roy’s ability to sleep through a hurricane. (He almost laughed, thinking about
the time when they were kids and Roy DID sleep through a hurricane, waking up
baffled to find his house damaged and his family shaken.) He quickly threw his
things into his bag and pulled on a t-shirt and sweatpants. At the door, he
looked back one last time at Roy, biting his lip, a lump rising in his throat,
wishing things were different.
Shane strode through the lobby, tears blurring his vision, mind racing a mile a
minute. He stopped just outside the double doors, suddenly remembering that
Diego took his car last night. He let out an audible sob, crumpling to the
ground, his head in his hands.
He shakily pulled out his phone, desperately trying to think of who he could
call. All of their friends were there, but they were mostly mutual friends. He
needed someone who wouldn’t ask questions. Someone who, even if they were with
a trick, would be just as anxious to leave the hotel as he was. He finally
found the right contact and held the phone to his ear as it rang.
“Hello?” came Willam’s scratchy morning voice.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I’m–” Shane’s own voice was hoarse and broke mid
sentence.
“Where are you?”
“Just outside the lobby. I need to get out of here. Please.”
“Ten minutes.”
Shane hung up, tears streaming down his face.
Willam was the perfect person for the job. He didn’t pry or cluck or try to
soothe Shane’s shattered heart. He simply tossed their bags into the trunk,
slid into the driver’s seat, and began blasting Rihanna.
*****
Roy stretched and stirred, turning over towards Shane with a sleepy smile. But
the spot next to him in the big bed was empty and the sheets were cold. Roy sat
up, listening for the sound of running water. That’s when he noticed that
Shane’s bag was gone.
His pulse quickened as he picked up his phone. No messages. No explanation. He
debated whether or not to call for half a second before he bit the bullet. The
phone rang twice and then clicked over to voicemail. So wherever Shane was, he
was awake. And he didn’t want to talk.
Roy’s stomach churned with fear as he replayed the night before in his head. He
felt a shooting pain recalling that he’d done pretty much all of the talking.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, emptying his guts
into the toilet, dread racing through his veins like ice. But in spite of
everything, he clung to the desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t
fucked things up beyond repair. That this was not the end. It couldn’t be the
end.
He slowly rose from the floor and looked at himself in the mirror. Yikes. A
long, steamy shower was in order, after which he looked at his phone. Nothing.
He tried again. This time, it was three rings before the voicemail began. He
sat down and slowly typed out a text message.
ROY: Are you okay?
No response. Roy paced around the room, trying to wait a normal amount of time
before sending a second message. He lasted about 15 minutes.
ROY: Please talk to me. I want to understand why you left. I don’t care if it
hurts, I just want to hear your voice.
There was no response for an agonizing 21 minutes, while Roy changed and packed
his things, and then:
SHANE: I’m sorry
Roy’s heart dropped to his feet. Why was he sorry? For leaving? For doing it in
the first place? For sleeping with Roy when he had no intention of going any
further than that? For letting Roy profess his undying love when he didn’t feel
the same way? He rubbed his face, breathing growing ragged.
Despite the fact that all of this was her fault, Roy had a strong desire
suddenly to call his mother. She, at least, answered her phone when he called
her.
“Hola mijo!”
“Hi mama,” Roy croaked brokenly.
“Roy, baby, what’s wrong?”
“I…I can’t…can I please come home? I think…I can take some time off in a few
weeks?”
“Of course, baby, of course.”
“Okay, I’ll…I’ll send you my flight info once I have a ticket. Thanks.”
“I can’t wait to see you, mijo. I love you.”
*****
Shane pushed the food around his plate, taking a few halfhearted bites. He
glanced over at Diego’s plate beside his, noticed that his boyfriend was
finished. He reached over to clear the plates, but Diego stopped him.
“Leave them for a minute,” he said, pulling Shane against him and kissing him
softly.
“I have to get ready,” Shane protested.
“You’ve got three hours. Come on,” Diego nuzzled his face, wrapping his hands
around Shane’s waist.
Shane shoved him backwards. “I just ate Mexican food, Diego. I’m not in the
mood to have sex right now.”
Diego blinked. “I was trying to kiss you. Not stick my dick inside you. Jesus.”
“Sorry.” Guilt bloomed in Shane’s chest as he got up slowly from the couch,
carrying the plates over to the kitchen.
“Are you okay? You seem…you’ve been in a mood all week.”
Shane closed his eyes. “I’m fine.”
Diego scoffed. “You’re a terrible liar.”
“I slept with Roy.” Shane let this news hang in the air for a moment, and then
finished with, “And I feel very fucking guilty about it.”
Diego took a long sip of his beer and then set it down. “Like…one time, or it’s
an ongoing thing?”
“One time. At the wedding.”
“I guess I shouldn’t have left early,” Diego commented with a wry smile.
“Would you get serious?!”
“Well, Shane, it’s not like this is the first…I mean, I assume you guys were
drinking. Right?”
“Yeah.”
“So…I mean, shit happens. It’s not the end of the world. There’s no reason to
feel guilty. Come here…” Diego reached for him, but Shane slipped away, biting
his lip.
“That’s not why I feel guilty.”
Diego scratched his head. “Okay…I’ll bite. Why do you feel guilty?”
“Because…because…” Shane searched for words. His heart hammered. “Because, I
know how he feels, and I made the first move anyway. And then I let him pour
his heart out, and I didn’t have the courage to respond. I just panicked and
left at the crack of dawn, like an asshole.”
“I see,” Diego said carefully. “So…you don’t feel guilty because of me. You
feel guilty because of him.”
“Well why would I feel guilty because of you, you don’t care!” Shane shook his
head, exasperated.
Diego stared at him for a moment like he was an alien, blinking.
Shane continued shakily, “I tell myself that I’m a good person, a caring
person, a considerate person, but I’m not. I can’t even let someone-” his voice
broke.
Diego was silent. He looked down at his hands, and took a deep breath, then
asked quietly, “Are you in love with this guy?”
Shane looked up sharply. “Why would you say that?” His hands were clenching the
back of a chair tightly.
“Because…I’ve never seen you this emotional. I figured you just weren’t the
emotional type. But…maybe you just don’t feel it with me.”
“This isn’t about you.”
“No shit.”
Shane sighed.
“You know what, you are an asshole. You don’t even have the decency to break up
with me.”
“What–”
“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Maybe I was blind or stupid or just
didn’t want to, but God… I really must be a joke to you, huh?”
“Diego…” Shane protested halfheartedly.
Diego chuckled. “I really hope this guy knows what he’s in for,” he added,
standing up.
Shane said nothing. A tear rolled down his cheek.
“Have a nice life, Shane.”
*****
Roy sat in his parents’ backyard, facing the group of the trees where his
treehouse used to be. His father ripped it down 10 years ago after one of his
nieces got hurt when the railing broke off. Eddy was more upset than he was at
the time, since he’d viewed it as a constant reminder of the biggest loss he’d
ever faced.
With shaking hands, he opened the manila envelope that his mother had handed
him. God knows why she kept the letters all these years. Probably guilt. He
took a sip from a bottle of tequila, aware that there was no way he would be
able to dull the pain to come, but determined to try something.
He turned the envelope over and let the letters slide onto the table. There
were ten of them, all unopened. He didn’t know why, but the idea that they were
still unopened was even worse than the thought of his mother reading his mail.
He carefully arranged them in order by post office date, and then slowly opened
the first one.
*****
August 26, 1994
Dear Roy,
We made it. Wow, that drive was awful and it didn’t help that I spent most of
it crying into a pillow. Every mile we drove, I could feel that we were getting
farther and farther apart and I just can’t even imagine how I’m going to get
through this school year without you…
*
…God, I don’t even know if I should send this. I’m trying to apologize for
being weird and I keep going back to how I felt about you. I wish I knew what
you were thinking. Why didn’t you ever just tell me?? Ugh. Okay, I’m gonna go,
I’ve wasted enough of your time.
If you ever feel like writing to me…I’d like to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Shane
*****
Roy finished the last letter, tears dripping down his face, nose running,
wondering how on earth his heart could keep breaking over and over again. How
did it hurt just as much today as it did back then? And now, added to his own
misery, the thought of Shane agonizing over the mailbox, waiting for a response
that never came. No wonder Shane didn’t trust him. How could he trust anyone?
He wiped his face on his sleeve and put all of the letters back into the
envelope, then stood up and headed for his parents’ garage.
There was a chance it wouldn’t even be there. A lot of shit was destroyed in
Hurricane Katrina. What they could save, his mother had carefully reboxed in
plastic containers. She’d encouraged all of the kids to go through them and
take what they wanted, but at the time, Roy was desperate to get out of town
and start fresh in New York. And his tiny studio couldn’t handle even one more
box of sentimental crap from his childhood.
He found a box with his name on it and opened the lid. Two stuffed animals, a
baseball trophy (REALLY???), some yearbooks and sketch pads and a few photo
albums. And then he found what he was looking for: a spiral-bound Mead notebook
with the torn red cover. He opened it. The first page was random doodling and a
couple of anarchy signs. That went on for four pages, and then on the fifth
page, he found what he was looking for. He carefully tore the pages from the
notebook, and folded them into the manila envelope. Before closing the box and
putting it away, he leaned against the shelves, taking a deep breath,
struggling not to cry again.
***** 2014 - July *****
Chapter Summary
     Shane tries to deal with his feelings. Or rather, not deal with them.
Chapter Notes
     Chapter Rating: Explicit
Courtney nodded emphatically, only half-listening to the earnest young girl at
her meet and greet, trying hard to focus on the sweet fan while she signed her
t-shirt, but finding herself getting distracted by the bartender giving her
bedroom eyes. Just what she needed. A sexy encounter with a stranger in…what
city was this? It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t be back here for months, if that.
Chances were she’d never see him again.
Twenty minutes later, they were making out sloppily in the backseat of his car,
and Courtney was coming to the irritating realization that this large man was
expecting her to top. She should have known. The straight looking ones always
wanted to get fucked the second you got them alone.
Afterwards, she cleaned up, silently handing him one of the travel wipes from
her handbag.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
Great. One of the self hating ones who regretted it the second they blew. Her
heart started to beat a little faster. He didn’t seem like the violent type,
but you never know, right? She swallowed, trying to calm her nerves. It was
fine. She was fine. She was just being paranoid. He was a nice guy. He had an
Obama/Biden bumper sticker.
“Fuck,” he said, looking down at the seat of his car. “There’s glitter
everywhere.”
“Afraid that’s a vocational hazard,” she said.
He looked up, eyes creased with worry. “My girlfriend is gonna kill me.”
Courtney rolled her eyes slightly. For a second she wondered if helping this
closet case cheat on his girlfriend was a moral gray area, but decided that
wasn’t really her biggest concern at 3 am on a Thursday night. “Do you have
duct tape?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“You’ll be fine. It’ll get it right out. Don’t try brushing it off, that’ll
just spread it. Duct tape is your best friend. Trust me.”
“Thanks.”
“Um…so…alright then.” Courtney made a move towards the door handle.
“Oh, uh, wait…” He cleared his throat awkwardly and then dug in his pocket.
“You should take this…for cab fare.”
Courtney looked at the offered bills, bristling slightly, trying to decide
whether she should tell him where to stick that money…but on the other hand…she
did need to get back, so…she took the cash, swallowing. “Thanks.”
“So when do you think you’ll be back in tow–”
She slammed the car door, heading back to the bar to gather her belongings on
unsteady platforms, the humid air filling her lungs with a heavy, suffocating
sensation.
*****
Courtney sat at the mirror, doing small, unnecessary touch-ups here and there.
She’d finished her face in record time tonight. Normally when she was touring
with Willam, it took her two or three times as long, because they never stopped
laughing, play fighting, and she constantly got distracted by his antics. But
today, the only thing she could do to hold back the tidal wave of sadness
threatening to engulf her completely was to focus on her work, her performance.
Shutting out all other voices.
Willam leaned over her shoulder with a drink. He still had no lips and no wig,
so his face looked a little ghoulish. “Gurl, you need to loosen up. The other
queens here think you’re a snob.”
Courtney spun around, a tense smile on her face. “Well, we’ve gotta fix that,
don’t we, Bill?” She snatched the drink and began gulping it down quickly,
trying to ignore the way it burned her throat. She plastered on a grin and let
Willam introduce her to the other girls in the room, making small talk and
exchanging tips and listening to their stories. It was a nice distraction from
her own head, actually. Unfortunately, she wasn’t paying attention to Willam
carefully “refreshing” her drink constantly, so most of the evening soon became
a blur.
She woke up in the morning still in full beat and a bustier, naked from the
waist down, some boy she wouldn’t have been able to pick out of a lineup passed
out at the foot of her bed, feeling like she’d been hit by a mack truck. And
the crushing guilt, inescapable sadness, all of it was just a thousand times
worse. Why the fuck do people drink when they’re depressed?
******
The next night, having learned at least one lesson, she got one cocktail at the
beginning of the night and asked the bartender to keep refilling it with water.
That way Willam thought he was helping her party her demons away, but she got
to stay relatively sober.
Pretending to be drunk, though, was not exactly the easy way out. Because she
had to be that bright, happy ray of sunshine that she used to be, before this
whole mess started. She had to sing, and prance around, flirting like mad and
making out with strangers.
This was all AFTER the performance which was draining enough. By the time she
got back to her hotel just before sunrise, she collapsed on the bed, feeling
like she could easily sleep for 40 hours straight, knowing that the reality was
that she had to be dressed and packed and ready for the airport by 8 am.
Sometimes life on the road was a real fucking bitch.
*****
WILLAM: How’s the trade in Miami?
SHANE: Stellar ;)
WILLAM: Liar. I know you. You’re doing that thing
SHANE: What THING?
WILLAM: That self-punishing bullshit that you call mindfulness or some other
new age nonsense but actually is really just you refusing to let yourself relax
and have any fun and by the way that’s the opposite of mindfulness.
SHANE: Since when do you know fuck all about Zen?
WILLAM: I know some stuff
SHANE: Maybe I deserve a little self punishing, Willam. Sometimes you need to
reflect on your choices and learn from your mistakes.
WILLAM: Way to miss my entire point
WILLAM: You’re a hopeless piece of garbage who will never be happy
SHANE: Thx for your support Bill
WILLAM: Anytime. XO
*****
Back in LA, Willam continued his campaign of “cheer Courtney up with liquor and
sexy trade” and bascially forced Shane to come out with him and Simon to
Eleven, where he promised there was supposed to be some kind of epic party
going on. Of course when they arrived it was an utter shit show and Shane could
feel his headache coming on.
Simon put an arm around him and led him over to some weird looking cinder block
chairs, encouraging him to share his feelings. But a club full of disco lights
and house music, and Willam screaming at them to do shots and chug tequila
sunrises didn’t really lend itself to deep conversations so after a few
minutes, Shane ended up just smiling and telling Simon it was fine, he was
fine, all was good and weren’t they lucky to be alive?
And for awhile he convinced himself that it was true. He danced, he twirled, he
sweated out the anxiety in a sea of pulsing bodies, lost in the crowd, grateful
for the music, for the moment, for his friends.
But then a flash of guilt, a familiar scent, something flickering in the corner
of his eye would jolt him back into reality, would force him out of his reverie
and make him remember that he didn’t deserve to be carefree and happy and
content. He didn’t deserve this night. And a lump rose in his throat, and his
knees felt shaky, and he walked back over to the chairs, sitting down
unsteadily, breathing in and out slowly, as if his body would forget how to
convert oxygen to carbon dioxide unless he concentrated very, very hard.
“Courtney! You fuckin slut!” Willam slurred, stumbling over, dragging a beefy
guy by the strap of his tank top. “This is Matt.”
“My name is Kevin,” he corrected.
Willam put a hand over the guy’s mouth. “Shut up, no one cares.” He turned back
to Shane. “Kyle here is the only top left in WeHo. And he’s gonna bang you out
real nice, cause I told him it’s your birthday. So, happy birthday. Smile.”
Shane furrowed his brow, puzzled. “It’s not-”
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COURTNEY! HAVE FUN GETTING RAILED!” Willam shoved Kevin into
Shane’s lap and then waved goodbye, prancing back over to the bar.
Shane cleared his throat. “Um, hi. It’s not really my birthday.”
“I kind of figured that out,” Kevin laughed, sliding into his own seat.
“Sorry about that,” Shane said, “She’s real aggressive.”
“He seems like he just wants you to have a good night.”
“Yeah.”
“So, uh…you want a drink?”
“I think I’m okay.”
“You…wanna…go somewhere?” he asked tentatively.
Shane looked at him for a long moment, biting his lip, then said, “Sure.”
*****
I’m too old for this, was Shane’s primary thought, as he pressed his palms
against the bathroom stall, Kevin’s fingers digging into his hips. Too old to
get hammered and fuck a stranger in a club toilet, with nothing but spit as
lube, praying his shorts don’t slide all the way to the ground because the
thought of them touching whatever was on the sticky, wet cement floors made him
want to gag. He moved a hand down to stroke his dick, trying to speed things
along.
Suddenly the feeling of this guy panting in his ear, the cacophony of the club
and the rancid combination of disinfectant and cologne and other even less
pleasant odors from the bathroom were making him feel ill. And he just needed
it to be over, so he tugged furiously, while Kevin moaned and thrust faster
against him, slamming into his hips. He pushed backwards, grabbing a wad of
toilet paper to absorb the mess as he neared the end. Once he came, he
contracted his muscles a few times, which seemed to do the trick. Kevin groaned
and collapsed against him, pressing him harder against the stall, lips in his
hair.
Shane reached down to rescue his shorts before they hit the disgusting floor,
pulling away slightly from Kevin’s contented sighing as he dropped the condom
into the toilet.
*****
WILLAM: Morning tiger ;)
SHANE: Hey
WILLAM: Where’d you sneak off to last night?
SHANE: lol
WILLAM: He had a nice dick, huh?
SHANE: Ugh, have you fucked him too?
WILLAM: No, but I blew him a few months ago at Rage. He’s a big boy.
SHANE: Delightful
WILLAM: You feel better?
SHANE: I’m a brand new woman
WILLAM: Wanna come to brunch? There’s a new place on Melrose that Alaska is
raving about. You know it’s good if that skinny cunt says so.
SHANE: Who else is coming?
WILLAM: Not HIM, don’t worry. I’m not an idiot.
SHANE: I dunno. I kind of feel gross. I might go to Runyon.
WILLAM: BOO YOU WHORE
SHANE: Sorry. I really do appreciate the babysitting. You’re a good friend,
Bill.
WILLAM: Whatever. Snap out of this bullshit before I get bored and find someone
else to hang out with. You’re really starting to become a liability.
SHANE: I’ll do my best
WILLAM: XO
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