Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12616460.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage, Major_Character_Death
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      EXO_(Band), SHINee
  Relationship:
      Kim_Kibum_|_Key/Lee_Taemin, Kim_Jongin_|_Kai/Lee_Taemin, Byun_Baekhyun/Oh
      Sehun, Oh_Sehun/Park_Chanyeol
  Character:
      Park_Chanyeol, Kim_Jongin_|_Kai, Lee_Taemin, Byun_Baekhyun, Oh_Sehun, Kim
      Kibum_|_Key
  Additional Tags:
      Love, Misunderstandings, romantic, Smut, Public_Sex, Sex, Classroom_Sex,
      Jongin_can_see_people's_auras, Jongin_is_kind_of_being_an_asshole, Okay
      he's_a_dick_in_this_but_he's_nice_i_swear, Auras, Colors, Help_me_I'm
      dumb_shit, this_is_literal_shit, A_bit_stolen_from_an_author_i_adore, I'm
      sorry_for_disappointing_y'all, I'm_Sorry, sad_end, Angst, angsty,
      Established_Relationship, Sebaek_-_Freeform, Seyeol?, Jongin's_in_love,
      but_it_hurts, It's_not_really_a_sad_end_but_it's_also_not_really_happy,
      sad_af_im_not_sorry_anymore, okay_its_a_fucking_sad_end_lol, Not_Beta
      Read, jongin_is_a_dick, but_taemin's_an_angel, sechan_-_Freeform, SeYeol,
      Drug_Use, Implied/Referenced_Drug_Use, Drug_Addiction, Drug_Abuse, Past
      Drug_Use, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol, Underage_Drinking, Underage
      Sex, Implied/Referenced_Underage_Sex, Underage_Smoking, Underage_Drug_Use
  Series:
      Part 17 of Different_Directions_Of_Love, Part 2 of Drowning_Alive
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-11-13 Words: 2602
****** Dried Memories ******
by baekkieony
Summary
     People are not only just black and white, Jongin has to realize.
Notes
     The idea is completely inspired and a bit stolen from @zeerogue and I
     really want to thank her or him (I don't know) for the great story
     she/he has written. I dare you all to check out her story too,
     because it's really worth it! I hope I don't disappoint you with my
     writing lol. Enjoy and feel free to yell at me! Leave comments!
  This work was inspired by
      Colors by zeerogue
First, you have to know that people aren't just black or white for Jongin.
People are...colors. Okay, this doesn't clearly makes sense, does it?
Well, it's like this. Jongin can see people's auras. Like, he sees a color
shimmering around them, a shine and these colors or auras are in action, always
moving.
Nobody in the world has the same color as you, but there are colors close to
yours and thousands variations of green, yellow or whatever. Maybe you have
navy blue aura. Maybe a beige one. Maybe its chocolate brown, you don't know.
And maybe your neighbour has a honey chocolate brown. Almost the same, you
know.
And that's the point where the thing with this colors get shitty. Jongin knows
it by his own experience.
People who have almost the same colour – or the opposite, like red and green –
work out as a couple. When the others aura matches yours, your aura will lick
out and Jongin can say that the couples he had get to know and stayed a couple
alwayshad these matching auras.
And you all know what comes along with having the opinion to see if couples
work: the fear of not getting somebody for you. But maybe nature had pity with
Jongin, because the only aura he can't see is his own. He thinks that its maybe
the point where the game has to be fair and that he only can try to match other
people.
But his own failed attempts to find another person who can see those auras are
another story.
                           _________________________
They don't match.
They don't and they still try, because Jongin can't bring himself to tell them
that azure and ash grey don't match.
Jongin can't bring himself to, because they're his best friends and so fucking
idiotically happy together that he does not feel like getting punched by Taemin
and everyone else in the fucking face for ruining the happily ever
afterrelationship of his two other best friends. His best friends beside
Taemin, surely – if Taemin even still can be considered as only a best friend,
because he's more like brother to Jongin.
A brother.
And this is where the problems starts.
When Jongin was small and little – still in kindergarden, he guesses – he
mayhad this stupid littlecrush on his best friend Taemin. But back then it was
kindergarden and it was funny to hold hands with every stranger who was dumb
enough to run Jongin's way. Back then his crush was funny.
Now Jongin's 17 and his crush grew into love and it is definitely not so funny
anymore, because Jongin feels like he's loving an older brother.
Not that he'd ever tell Taemin about his crush – or the problems that come
along with it – but it still feels wrong only touching him when Jongin knows
that he's not supposed to feel happy when Taemin's hand lingers a bit longer
than necessary on his leg.
So Jongin keeps quiet about his crush, like he always does and tortures himself
with playing matchmaker for Taemin, because apparently Taemin has to be the
only one in the fucking world who knows about Jongin's little powers and he
wouldn't be a normal teenager if he didn't use this god given powers for
himself.
“Are you even listening?”, it's a hand waving in front of his face which
startles him out of his dreams and why has it to be Taemin's hand. Oh, right,
because they sit together in like all of Jongin's classes and he's a month away
from jumping down the rooftop for the worst decision in his whole life he had
taken in eight grade.
When no answer follows, Taemin decides that he has the right to slap Jongin for
it and it doesn't surprise the brown haired boy anymore when the slap doesn't
meet his shoulder where it was aimed at, but his face – more likely his cheek
–, because Taemin's has the coordination of an elephant when it comes to
slapping. Jongin has to smirk at the thought that this boy is supposed to be
their best dancer in school.
“I bet it wasn't something important you rambled about, asshole”, mutters
Jongin under his breath and he gets another hit from the white haired boy
before they both start laughing and also both get scolded from their teacher
for being loud.
It only makes them laugh more and Jongin is able to steal a short glance at
Taemin, laughing and full of joy, happiness streaming out of his laugh and eyes
crinkling. He beams at Jongin, smile wide and white teeth on display and in
moments like this Jongin allows himself to think that someday he might be more
that friends with Taemin.
                           _________________________
When he watches Baekhyun und Sehun in the breaks together, laughing and kisses
while sharing their food with each other, they might seem like normal couple.
But Jongin doesn't see only Baekhyun and Sehun sharing their food; he also sees
how their auras try to fight and shrink away from each other.
The sad thing is that Jongin knows that they both could do better – for example
there's this kid in his english class who has the most similar color to Sehun's
ash grey Jongin has ever seen – but they won't, even if he tells them, because
there's the one scenario where they just play him off as insane or the other
scenario where they'd try no matter what Jongin tells them.
He also knows that Taemin doesn't allow destroying relationships – especially
not their friends ones – even if Jongin often tried otherwise. How often has
Jongin tried to destroy Taemin's relationships subtly, and as often as he tried
he has also not succeeded.
It's a painful history, Jongin's failed attempts at matching himself with
Taemin and the longer the list gets, the more the brown haired guys hope for
being a couple dies.
But right now it doesn't matter, because Taemin is running towards him and a
second later he has a handful of white haired beauty in his arms, slender
fingers running through his hair.
In moments like this Jongin thinks that fate might be grateful once.
                           _________________________
It's a late afternoon, Jongin sitting with his other friends at their usual
table in their usual pizza place, when Taemin storms into the restaurant,
dragging a tall stranger on his wrist with him.
“Guys!”, his pupils are widen when he reaches their table and Jongin would like
to throw up, because he suddenly feels sick when he recognizes the stranger.
Out of all people it has to be Kim Kibum.
Jongin and Kim Kibum have a long and intertwined story full of hate, but the
most important thing you need to know is that this guy stole Jongin's virginity
and is a complete asshole.
“I'd like to introduce you all to my new boyfriend, Kibum!”. Now Jongin really
wants to throw up.
The problem with Taemin's aura is that it's not a color. It's white – it has
been all the time – and it reflects all the other colors. Jongin guessed that
it has to be that Taemin matches with everyone (read: that's what Jongin has
hoped for) or he just matches with nobody or that it has to be a sign that he's
supposed to be Jongin's, but it seemed like he's wrong again.
When they sit down at their table, Jongin tries to hide behind his pizza and
when it comes to introducing Kibum just smirks and nods and Jongin is glad that
he never told them to who he lost his virginity.
The chatter continues and it seems like the whole evening is a success, but
Jongin can't get the feeling of being sick out of his body and the more they
talk he quieter he gets.
When they all separate and bit goodbye, Jongin sighs and would like to hug
Taemin warm and tight to protect him from getting hurt by Kibum, but instead he
just wishes them all the best and hope for Taemin that he knows what he does
when he sees Taemin and Kibum leaving in the direction of Kibum's apartment.
The fact that Kibum has a black aura doesn't make Jongin's stomach feel any
better.
                           _________________________
|Two years later|
Jongin's and Taemin's freshman year at college is only a month away from
finishing and it's at Taemin's apartment he's sharing with Kibum when Jongin
decides that he's done with all of this shit.
Taemin's stoned out of his mind, playing mario kart on the wii, when Jongin
reaches over and shakes the now black haired boy. Almost in the same second he
gets hit by the controller in the face and Jongin has to laugh at the still
missing coordination from the dancer.
“Taemin”, Jongin hits his shoulder. When Taemin doesn't react Jongin hits him a
second time and he finally reacts in favour of yelling at him that now pretty
princess peach fell of her beautiful rainbow road.
Jongin would like to laugh, but he can't with the word struck in his throat and
he has to swallow a lot.
“Taemin”, Taemin's turning around again, but Jongin doesn't mind, he just talks
further, “Taemin, I love you”.
At first, Taemin doesn't react, not a bit, maybe he hasn't even heard it, but
when his controller drops to the floor and his hands are shaking, Jongin knows
he had.
When he turns around he's more pale faced than he's most of the time and the
fear, the fear of being loved but not being able to love back is written all
over his face.
The next words hurt Jongin like nothing in his past life, because they're the
words he's giving Taemin up with.
“I don't expect you to feel the same”, Jongin interrupts Taemin when he tries
to say something, “I just liked you to know”.
The tears are burning down his cheeks when he flees from his apartment, flees
from Taemin and his feelings, like he always did.
                           _________________________
It takes Jongin eleven years to gather the strength to ring at Taemin's door
again.
It's still the same old house he used to live in in college and it's still the
same creaking door and it's still the same sound of the doorbell, but the
person opening him the door is completely different.
His hair is pink now, bright and it fits him to well for Jongin to like it,
because he feels how his heart skips beat at the breathtaking sight in front of
him.
Taemin is the shock written all over his face and for a moment, it seems like
he doesn't recognize Jongin and Jongin would understand it, because life hasn't
been good to him.
Jongin has been alone for the last five years of his life, his friendships
broken. Baekhyun and Sehun broke up in their first college year, Sehun's now
together with this kid from Jongin's old english class – Chanyeol was his name,
he thinks – and Baekhyun might be where the devil is. Maybe he's still fucking
this celebrity. Maybe he's given himself the final overdose. Maybe he's been
able to get his life together.
Jongin himself is branded by the steady abuse of drugs, too much party and
sleeping outside. Life hasn't been fair and after college, after all his
friendships went down to sharp pieces, he didn't know what to do with himself.
There wasn't anything presentable with a major in dance, nothing he could pay
his rent with, so he got thrown out someday and started drowning himself in the
alcohol first and then in heroin and spice. He doesn't look good with his
bloodshot eyes, unwashed and cheap dyed blonde hair and a coat with more holes
than really material.
So yes, he forgives Taemin for not recognizing him first, because Jongin
wouldn't recognize himself in the moment.
It's a malicious smirk Jongin directs at Taemin when he goes in and sits down
on the couch and Jongin knows that Taemin has sweat prickling down his skin
right now.
“It's been a while”, his voice sounds horse and Taemin's shrinks when he hears
it and Jongin can hear the guilt in Taemin's voice when he answer with a “yes”.
It's silent between them, but not the good kind of silence. More the “you're
the reason for my misery” silence and there's a moment when Jongin has pity
with Taemin, because he does deserve better.
“You look...different”, Jongin finds it kind of cute how Taemin still tries to
be nice to him, after dumping, just dumping him and instead of telling him
straight in the face that he looks like shit.
“And you didn't call”, the subtle undertone of “it's your fault” is clear and
Jongin would like to apologize, because they both know that this – Jongin's
life – isn't Taemin's fault, but Jongin likes to pretend that he wasn't the
cowardly one.
He sees the tears gathering in Taemin's eyes at the harshness of his voice, but
Jongin doesn't care because the streets made him empty and hard.
Jongin would like to cry and give in and hug Taemin like they hugged in
highschool, but this isn't the Taemin he knew. This Taemin has moved on, moved
on without Jongin and got his life together and all Jongin would be crying for
are dried memories.
“We used to be best friends for like our whole life”, it's silent, Jongin's
voice is silent, but also so disturbing in the silence which describes how
silent it has got between them, when they stopped calling and talking and
living a life where Taeminwasn't available without Jongin.
“But”, Jongin stands up and grabs his coat, “i guess you found somebody else to
replace me”.
When he leaves without another word he tries to blend out Taemin's cry to stay,
because it hurts him even more to find out that the love of his life is happy
without him and that his heart is still fluttering when he thinks about
Taemin's hands lingering on his leg a little more that necessary.
                           _________________________
|Six weeks later|
It's late at night when Taemin gets the call from the police. When he hears
that he should come to the medical jurisprudence to identify a person who had
his number as the ec contact, he knows that he did wrong even if he didn't.
Now, standing in front of the dead body, white foam still at his mouth, he
looks beautiful to Taemin even if he isn't. It's him, that's clear, facial
structures Taemin would recognize at any time, but branded by alcohol and
drugs, once pretty face now sunken and punched blue and green. The streets
haven't been nice to him.
Dead eyes are staring into his, pupils blown and widen and brown eyes not
sparkling anymore. Taemin would like to cry, because it hurts him, even if they
hadn't talked for real in eleven years, but he can't.
When he asks the court medic how he died he only gets a “We found him in a dark
alley like this, he was already dead. Died from an overdose”.
He lets his eyes roam over the dead body for a last time, skin marked with the
hickeys from strangers who got him for ten dollar and bags under his eyes dark
and deep.
Taemin has to shake his head at the sight and at the fact that he died in a
dark alley somewhere in this city.
When he leaves the room, he decides that he won't go to his funeral.
It was a lonely death Kim Jongin died.
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