Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7875973.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J.K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Remus_Lupin
  Character:
      Remus_Lupin, Sirius_Black
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe, Series, First_Time, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
  Series:
      Part 4 of Drawing_Down
  Collections:
      Ink_Stained_Fingers
  Stats:
      Published: 2003-11-14 Words: 21325
****** Drawing Down: Mood of Dispute ******
by Khirsah and Ailei [archived by ISF_Archivist]
Summary
     You never forget your first taste of fire.
Notes
     This story was originally archived at Ink_Stained_Fingers, which was
     created in 2002 as a home for Harry Potter slash fiction. To preserve
     the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an
     Open Doors-approved project in January 2015. We e-mailed all authors
     about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached
     everyone. If you are (or know) this author or artist, please contact
     me using the e-mail address at the Ink_Stained_Fingers_collection
     profile.
     Author's notes: This is set in an AU. Sirius’ family as created by
     JKR is ignored.
Drawing Down: Mood of Dispute




  The sky was purple-dark and slowly sinking into night blackness, lit only by the quarter moon and the
  few stars that managed to shine past the clouds. A light breeze blew in, cool against his skin, sending
  a wash of gooseflesh over the faintly tanned flesh of his arms and causing him to shiver back against
  the sill.
  It was summer again. Birds called to each other in their trees, silhouetted against the tall perimeter
  fence that surrounded the Lupin's Welsh lands. Remus could never understand why his parents had built
  the spelled fence-- even if he had dared to run away, where would he go? Mountains surrounded their
  little green valley, tall and imposing and as undeniable as giants, cutting him off from the world.
  Cutting him off from Sirius.
  He sighed. Summer wasn't supposed to be a punishment. At least, Remus was fairly sure that it wasn't,
  and most of his friends seemed more than eager to go home for the holidays. To them, summer was
  spreading, green months of freedom and fun, interspaced with the occasional Quidditch game and playing
  with the neighbors. To them, it was a break from the tension of school and a chance to be children and
  have fun and stay out until the oncoming dusk when their parents' voices called to them from their
  warm, inviting doorsteps, bidding them to come inside.
  It wasn't supposed to be cold. It wasn't supposed to be lonely. He wasn't supposed to sit alone in his
  room and wonder what Sirius and James and Peter were doing right this moment.
  Sighing again, Remus turned away from the window, letting the curtain drop back into place and bathe
  the room in darkness. Interesting shadows danced across the floor and walls, melting into faintly
  ominous shapes as Remus toed off his socks and slipped beneath his cool sheets. He turned his cheek
  against his soft cotton pillow and squeezed his eyes shut, arms curling around the pillow and drawing
  it against his chest. It was soft and giving and almost-- almost-- the right size around.
  "Good night, Sirius," he whispered, brushing his lips over the cool cotton, nuzzling closer with a
  strange, sharp ache in his chest. "Love you."
  The gentle wind pushed against the curtains, painting rippling shadows across the floor. The moonlight
  crept in, insidious and unwelcome as it touched soft cheeks. The sound of the house settling down for
  sleep melted into the muted cacophony of life Outside, Elsewhere, where other boys played and knew what
  it meant to be children.
  And little Remus Lupin, who hadn't been a child in such a very, very long time, curled around his
  pillow and slept.
  =======================================================================================================
  Sirius stretched languidly in the moonlight, the long lines of his body silvered. He loved the
  moonlight, though he supposed he shouldn't, considering what followed upon it. In the moon's kind glow,
  he wasn't a gangly boy of 13, all knees and elbows and outsized hands and feet. He was lithe and
  slender and exotically beautiful. He wished Remus was here to see it. To see him.
  To see the things he'd discovered.
  Artemis had greeted him at the station, a huge smile on his face and two enormous Florian Fortescue ice
  creams in his hands, one for Sirius and one for Remus. He had handed them over with a flourish and a
  hug to each boy, claiming that he would baby them as long as humanly possible, no matter how they
  protested. And truthfully, if being babied included Fortescue's ice cream concoctions, they could
  tolerate it for a while long longer. Sirius was glad to be home with his dad, though watching Remus'
  parents take the ice cream away with the claim that it would never survive the Apparating trip home had
  broken his heart. And when Remus and his parents disappeared, a piece of his soul went too.
  As usual, the first thing Sirius did when he got home was to throw his bags and trunk in a corner of
  his room and head down to the library to view the new additions to the family. He never had the
  slightest problem finding the new books, and he happily picked out a treatise on dark matter and
  another on deviant psychology before he saw it, just sitting there, properly and neatly cross-
  referenced in the Health and Medicine section of their enormous library: The Joy of Gay Sex. Sirius had
  blushed and grinned at the same time, rather thankful his dad hadn't been so obvious as to leave it in
  the middle of his bed. This way he could at least pretend it was a coincidence.
  He'd managed to stave off his curiosity throughout dinner, though his fidgeting was noticed on more
  than one occasion. Sirius had hared off to his room right after dinner and had taken the large, heavy
  book from his bedside table. Ever since Remus ~no, since the Wolf~ woke his body, his desires had
  plagued him, formless and aching and miserable. He needed...God he needed. There were nights he lay
  awake, holding Remus, hard and wanting, trying to keep his erection away from the other boy. The few
  times Remus was aware of Sirius' arousal it had upset him. Remus thought that he was a monster for
  making Sirius feel desire.
  And there were times, oh-so-secret and in the darkest places in his heart, when Sirius did curse Remus.
  To give and then not...to stir then leave unsatisfied...it seemed cruel. He was sure Remus knew what he
  needed. He was just afraid to give it. Or, more likely, he was afraid of hurting Sirius by giving it.
  Now at least, maybe he'd find out what he wanted so desperately. Remus was his boyfriend, they were in
  love. Sirius had thought that meant a lot of things--kissing, touching. But Remus...whenever he tried
  to deepen a kiss, or slide his hand down the strong back, Remus pulled away. Yet they still slept
  together, bodies inextricable in sleep, coupled like they couldn't be awake.
  Sometimes he felt like a complete git.
  Ah, the joys of adolescent love, he grinned ruefully, balancing the oversized book on his knees and
  opening to the first chapter. Okay, so the full-grown men were more frightening than sexy. No great
  surprise. He wanted a 14 year old boy, not a huge fellow like ~oh, my~ that. After a few rough starts
  he learned how to stop seeing the men, and start seeing himself and Remus. And then, oh then his
  imagination took flight. His cock hardened, and he saw it so clearly in his mind's eye. He was propped
  at the head of their bed, and Remus was between his legs, back to his belly, naked. Sirius slowly
  wrapped his hand around the smaller boy's erection and fisted it gently, the foreskin moving over the
  head over and over, just like his own was doing right now, catching the droplets of precome and
  spreading them until the whole length was slick. His other hand stroked Remus' nipples, then rubbed as
  they grew stiff.
  His lover writhed in his arms, his imagined body imitating Sirius' pleasure. Sirius saw himself kissing
  Remus' neck, biting lightly, teasingly at the nape, and he knew that the sight of Remus reaching the
  top of this painful-wonderful-tense pinnacle and releasing would be all he needed. And it was. He and
  Remus came together, the vision dissolving along with his mind as he experienced what page 17 called
  'orgasm'.
  ~Oh, yes, oh...want to give him this. Want him to feel this with me.~ Sirius turned on his side,
  suddenly wistful. ~Remus, what are you so afraid of? This would be so perfect. This would be
  beautiful.~ He ran his fingers through the puddle of cooling come and licked it off, the flavors
  exploding sharp and decadent on his tongue.
  ~Would you taste the same? No, you'd be sweeter, spicier. More mysterious.~ Just the thought of tasting
  his mate was enough to make him hard again, and he wondered what he could do with his mouth to make
  Remus feel good. Several pages of reading showed him in no uncertain terms what his mouth could do
  besides talk at speeds approaching the absurd.
  ~Well, then...~ His hand crept down his belly again, stopping to tweak his tiny, aching nipples before
  curling tenderly around his cock once more, a vision of him kneeling before Remus, suckling his hard
  length deep into his mouth, head bobbing and eyes wide open, sparking behind his eyes. Because, oh, you
  just don't want to miss something like this. Remus' strong fingers carded in his wild, black hair,
  pulling just a little, urging him down and down and then there it was, sweet cock, nudging into his
  throat.
  Sirius was almost shocked when he felt the hot splash of seed against his belly, dripping over his
  fingers. ~So lost...~ He was almost angry, that the vision was disrupted by his climax.
  The feeling of loss and loneliness prompted him to flip onto his belly, ignoring his stickiness ~I
  don't think I'm the 'get up and shower right after' kind of lover~ and fish out parchment and quill
  from the backpack he'd dumped next to his bed. Ever since writing the fairy tale for Remus, Sirius had
  discovered a real knack for words, provided he kept them prudently in the realm of prose. He needed to
  share this with Remus, the only way he knew how.
  //Remus, my heart,
  It's just been a few hours, but I already miss you so badly it aches. These forced separations get
  harder each year. How do we fill these months apart? You should be right here, in my arms, nestled
  against my belly. I hate sleeping alone.
  My father bought me a book, love. Oh, he didn't say it was for me, but I know. It's full of pictures,
  and descriptions, and it's, well, it's a little scary, to be truthful. But I learned how to see you,
  and me and oh Remus now I know what I want. What I've always wanted.
  Tonight, I made myself come. But all I could see was you.....//
  =======================================================================================================
  Parchment crumpled in Remus' small hands, tearing at the edges and smearing Sirius' carefully inked,
  beautifully erotic words. He closed his eyes and drew in a deep, only slightly panting breath, his
  entire body tingling with sensation and want. Desire ached in his belly, between his legs, a hot,
  sharp, desperate need that burned and made him squirm helplessly where he sat, safely protected in the
  far corner of his room.
  Images came unbidden to his mind: Sirius touching himself, stroking himself, making himself hard and
  slick and faintly purpled with need. Moaning for his touch as if he needed him, as if each breath
  relied on his counter breath as their lips touched and parted.
  He wanted to touch Sirius that way, wanted to kiss him deep and snake their tongues together. The
  desire frightened him, made him hurt inside where the knowledge of what they could do together coiled,
  dark and throbbing and frightening.
  "I wish..." he whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. If he didn't concentrate too hard, he could
  almost believe they weren't his arms at all, holding him tight.
  But he couldn't... Oh, he couldn't...
  "Why not, Remus-love? Afraid of soiling the little chit?"
  Remus pushed farther back into the corner instinctively, eyes opening and staring across his
  immaculately clean room towards his lonely bed, standing there carefully made, covers pulled back on
  the corner, ready for sleep.
  "Go away," he said, knees drawing up. The balled up parchment fell to the floor and rolled away,
  ignored. "You don't know what you're talking about."
  The Dark Man settled back against the bed, teeth glinting as he grinned. "Don't I, Reemie?" He touched
  his index finger to hips sinfully full lips, tongue snaking out to wet the tip. Remus' eyes caught
  helplessly on his copper-fire gaze as the Dark Man drew his finger down his chest and belly to stroke
  between his legs. "Don't I know everything that rattles through that pretty head of yours? Don't I know
  every fervent, dark, perverted wish that doesn't dare to pass through your lips?"
  "Shut up!" He grabbed the balled up letter and threw it at the Dark Man's head, but the Dark Man merely
  laughed and caught the letter, unfolding it on the bed next to him. "`But all I could see was you and
  how beautiful you were, naked and next to me, sliding against my skin...' My, what a poet your young
  lover is, Reemie!"
  Remus snarled and stood, hands clenching at his sides. "Don't you talk about Sirius! I forbid it!"
  "You can't stop me, lover, and you know it. You don't have the power." He grinned his sinful-pink smile
  and stood, stretching languidly, arms arching over his head as he tilted back, dark hair spilling over
  his shoulders.
  "Go away. I don't have to talk to you." Remus sat down at his desk and drew out his quill and
  parchment, forcing himself to focus away from the Dark Man. He couldn't hear the soft tread, but he
  knew that the Dark Man was moving behind him-- he could feel it in the shifting of the air currents. "I
  don't want to talk to you."
  The Dark Man chuckled. "What do you want to do instead, Remus-love? Write your little Casanova a
  letter?" Long, cold fingers carded through his golden-brown hair, causing Remus to shudder. A slick,
  wet, disgusting tongue traced the outer rim of Remus' ear, flickering against his earlobe and casting a
  hot breath across his cheek. "What are you going to tell him, Reemie? Are you going to tell him how you
  yearn for him? How your little 14-year-old body has been waiting for him for so long, how you ache and
  need and burn and want to rut against him like an animal? Are you going to tell him how you long to
  bite and rip and fuck, splitting him open and shredding inside to seek his hidden, secret warmth and
  claim and..."
  "STOP IT!" Remus lashed out violently, leaping to his feet and flinging his chair into the triumphantly
  grinning face. The chair passed through and flew towards the far wall, shattering into sticks of wood
  and splinters.
  The Dark Man grinned. "But you know it's true. You know that you made him feel desire, and you want to
  reach deep inside of him and yank about more and more and more."
  "STOP IT NOW!"
  The ink pot went next, splattering green ink across his pristine walls, shards falling to the blue-
  fringed rug, followed by his small box of quills as his voice shrieked higher and higher, trying to
  drown out the silken, invading laugh that wove past his protective hands and slithered against his
  ears.
  "You raped him, little Reemie. We raped him. When he came into our cage, all fresh and innocent and
  left soiled and knowing and wanting and heaving with the knowledge our kisses gave him. Tainted and
  sin-washed and aching from the..."
  "NO! NONONONONONONO! STOP IT!!!"
  He could hear his parents calling his name, far away, as if they were at the end of a very long, very
  dark tunnel. The world had narrowed down, drenched in red and black and the coal-bright copper of
  wickedly gleaming eyes, watching him as he fell to his knees, hands over his ears, and tried to scream
  away the fears:
  "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!"
  =======================================================================================================
  "Good Lord, Sirius!"
  "Oh, yeah...don't look under my bed." Sirius grinned sheepishly from behind the box of comics he was
  sorting.
  "What is this, anyway?" James pulled out the big hardcover book like it would bite him at any second.
  "Did you get the facts of life talk?" Sirius slid an X-Men issue that would have been worth a lot had
  it been in decent condition into a plastic sleeve.
  "Yes, last Christmas. It was hilarious."
  "Well, my father couldn't really give me pointers on the practical side of loving another guy, now
  could he? So, I found this waiting for me."
  "Ah. Yes." Blue eyes still regarded the tome balefully.
  "Would you like to look?" Sirius found James' obvious discomfort unfairly amusing.
  "No! Yes. Sort of."
  "Curious?"
  "I like girls. I fantasize about girls. A lot." James sounded rather defensive.
  "Of course you do. But it's only natural to wonder." Sirius' brow creased in thought. "I mean, I've
  wondered what it would be like to touch a girl. Not that I want to in practice. Too soft, too...not
  Remus."
  James laughed and flipped through the pages quickly, turning an interesting shade of vermilion by the
  time he closed it again. "You like the idea of doing this stuff?"
  "With Remus? You'd better believe it."
  His friend sighed heavily. "I'm so tolerant. Look at me, the most open-minded best friend a gay boy
  ever had."
  Sirius beamed at him. "I could kiss you right now," he teased.
  "Do it and die, Lothario."
  =======================================================================================================
  Remus ran from the house with a glad whoop, ignoring his mother's frantic call for him to "get back
  into the house and finish practicing right now, mister!". His viola was tucked under an arm, unicorn-
  hair bow waving at the patches of sunlight as he moved through the trees, retreating deeper and deeper
  into the large foresty yard. He turned left, heading west and away from the high fence, ducking under a
  low branch and laughing when his messy ponytail almost snared into its branches. Birds chorused
  overhead, pleased and sweet as Remus kicked off his shoes, leaving them somewhere back in the
  underbrush. Dirt pushed between his toes, leaves crunched beneath his feet, and Remus ran as if all the
  devils in the world were chasing him, intent on licking his heels with the twin fires of solitude and
  boredom.
  ~can't catch me! I`ll play brave and beat them back again with my sword!~ He swung the bow at a tree in
  passing and laughed at his own fancy, low, pleasant voice rising from deep in his chest. It had been a
  long time since he had last slain imaginary dragons in these woods and played solder marching into war.
  Finally, Remus leapt over a fallen log and skidding to a stop, heart beating wildly in his chest, hair
  a disheveled mess around his face. He gasped in a breath and looked around him. Yes. Yes, he had made
  it.
  The sounds of the forest surrounded him, comforting, and Remus grinned to himself as he turned and
  slipped past a nettled bush and onto a barely visible path, bow waving triumphantly. Mother never came
  out here after him: it was his own private place, away from the stifling oppression of the house and
  quiet, understated tyranny.
  He felt more natural here: more at home. Safe. Here was where he pretended to be brave and fearless,
  like the heroes in stories. Here he made conversations with himself and promised that this coming year,
  at school, he'd finally use them with James and the rest. He'd finally push past his own resistance and
  talk to them like he really felt.
  He turned and passed through a curtain of creepers, moving into an enclosed space made of reaching
  branches and leaves. The floor was covered in soft grass, white flowers making a carpet where they had
  fallen from the trees above. Large roots made chairs and trunks chair backs, and the sun shown fitfully
  through the shifting leaves, casting mottled shadow and light across his golden head as Remus sat and
  lifted the viola to his chin.
  His lashes flickered through the air as Remus closed his eyes, wrist arching into position, fingers
  feeling out the notes as he placed the bow against the strings. The instrument hummed in his arms,
  magically in tune and perfect of pitch, chinrest worn from his hours of play. Remus came home every
  summer rusty from lack of practice and went back to school every fall, more in tune than ever with the
  sweet, mellow voice.
  The cello wasn't for him: its deep mournful bellows weren't suited to his smaller hands. And the
  violin, he had found, was too high and fitful for his tastes. But the viola felt so familiar under his
  fingers, wooden and warm and sighing his emotions as his fingers flew over the strings, moving in a
  quick vibrato as his bow slid rhythmically, rosin puffing in small clouds around his finally-at-peace
  face.
  There weren't any dragons left when he poured himself into tone. There wasn't a Mother or a Father, or
  a Dark Man to haunt him. Memories faded like mist against the sun, and even school and Sirius melted
  away, the confusion born of both sliding to the back of his mind as the world became simpler, somehow.
  More pure.
  Peaceful.
  The woods were filled with the low noise, rising and falling like cycles of Nature as Remus sat in his
  house of leaves and flowers and played away the time.
  =======================================================================================================
  Remus shifted uncomfortably, hyper-aware of his parents standing beside him, one at each shoulder, as
  if they were afraid that he would accidentally brush against some innocent in passing and spread his
  lycanthropy.
  ~I'm not contagious~ he thought bitterly, letting himself be guided down the long, twisting halls of St
  Mungo's Asylum for the Insane. Robed nurses and doctors strode past the small family self-importantly
  as the Lupins followed the strange twists and turns. It was as if the building itself had been stricken
  with madness, and only the flashing signs kept them from getting hopelessly lost. ~It's not like I'm
  going to... oh.~
  Remus froze, heart leaping in his chest and sending sharp, painful flutters throughout his body.
  "Remus?" his mother said, turning to look at him. "Honey, what's wrong?"
  "We don't have time to dawdle, Remus." His father's voice was hard.
  ~I... I can feel him.~ "I'm sorry," he said, somehow forcing himself to speak. His throat felt closed,
  and he gulped in a deep breath as he hurried to catch up with his parents, eyes casting around the
  increasingly dark halls. It was as if he could feel every molecule of air as it gusted past his skin,
  could sense every breath coming from miles around, could hear the deep, throbbing heartbeat that fell
  into rhythm with his, echoing through the stone hallway and filling his head until he thought he would
  faint.
  "Here we are." His mother's voice sounded distant; unreal. Washed out and unimportant as she stood next
  to a thick magically-enforced door. There was a name plaque next to the door, shining copper-bright,
  like eyes:
  Matthew Morgan.
  Remus watched as his mother pressed her palm to the door to release the magical lock. The door
  shimmered, then disappeared, revealing a mid-sized room built to look like a rustic cabin, complete
  with scarred wooden table and clay bowls.
  His father's large hand pressed between his shoulder blades and prodded Remus through the door and into
  the small guarded observation room that connected directly to Matthew's quarters, shielded for their
  protection.
  ~He can't touch you. He can't hurt you. He can't touch you. He can't hurt you.~
  Matthew sat up from where he had been crouched in the corner and turned his head towards them, sniffing
  the air, testing it. Remus tensed, ultra-aware-- he always thought of his uncle as if he were dead. The
  wolf had taken over so much of him that he was dangerous, no longer a man. But seeing him, seeing the
  bright eyes and the fall of hair, seeing the way he moved, being so close that he could smell Matthew's
  peculiar scent: a mix of sweat and pheromones, musky and dry...
  ~Please please please please no.~
  And then those eyes shifted as Matthew drew closer, eyes moving to meet his and pinning him there,
  gasping from the weight of that horrible, familiar glare that went past human and past animal into
  something new, something terrifying.
  Something that crouched at the foot of his bed at night to steal away his dreams. ~Please, Uncle
  Matthew. Please, no...~
  =======================================================================================================
  "Please, Uncle Matthew..."
  The older man's breath moved across his cheek, warm and wet and smelling faintly of licorice. The bed
  shifted as he climbed next to the small, young body, one hand trailing lazily down Remus' side. "Shhh,
  Reemie," he whispered, and Remus turned his face away and squeezed his eyes shut tight at the strange,
  wrong feeling of Uncle Matthew's thumb against his nipple. "Be so so quiet."
  Remus arched up and away, trying to pull away from lips against his neck and collarbone. His stomach
  clenched into a tight ball when teeth grazed his shoulder and he whimpered low in his throat when a
  tiny nipple was pinched and tugged and rolled between adult fingers.
  "Uncle Matthew, please, it hurts."
  "Don't want to hurt you; just be still." His voice was strange and rough, and his breath panted in and
  out, heavy and heaving. Remus gasped in a little, hiccoughing breath, trying to force back the tears
  that wanted to sting his eyes and trickle down his cheeks.
  ~Big boys don't cry.~
  Uncle Matthew's hips move against him, and his entire body jerked when something hard and hot and
  disgusting pressed between his legs, pushing up, invading and frightening. The older man moaned and
  tilted back his head, panting.
  "Please" He pushed at his shoulder, small fingers curling ineffectually into dark robes, sobbing deep
  in his chest when Uncle Matthew looked at him with those strange new eyes, those eyes that shown like
  two copper coins in the darkness, monstrously bright. "I don't want to play any more."
  "Just be quiet, Reemie. It won't hurt." Hands moved over him, caressing and mussing his striped pajamas
  with the little bootie feet, tugging at buttons as he slipped his hand inside again and wrapped his
  fingers around Remus' flaccid penis. "I promise. I don't want to hurt you... you smell so sweet. Like
  fruit juice and cinnamon cookies." Lips grazed against his shoulder and neck again, teeth tugging the
  sensitive skin as he scented him, moving as Remus tried to struggle away, keeping him pinned.
  Later, Remus would never be able to recall exactly what made it go from bad to so much worse. Maybe, he
  thought later, when he was older, when he understood, maybe if he hadn't tried so hard to get away,
  then Uncle Matthew wouldn't have gotten so angry.
  Whatever it was, Remus wasn't prepared for the all-consuming pain of teeth sinking into his neck.
  There was pain, shattering behind his lids like sparklers of light, bright and too-real and throbbing
  as Uncle Matthew moaned and squeezed his child-sized penis. Blood trickled down his neck, mixing with
  Matthew's saliva and making his skin itch with a strange, burning ache.
  And then the memories came. Remus gasped as pictures began to dance before his dazed eyes, swirling
  together in a confused maelstrom of color and noise and awareness-- 26 years of knowledge bleeding into
  his subconscious, spreading like the lycanthropy through his system, corrupting and insinuating and
  melding into one as Matthew heaved against him, so big and so strange and yet, suddenly, so very
  familiar.
  Stretched beneath his uncle, lost in a sea of memories that were slowly becoming his own, seven-year-
  old Remus Lupin slowly became hard.
  =======================================================================================================
  "Remus? Remus, honey, it's time to go."
  Remus started at the feel of his mother's hand on his shoulder. He glanced around at the small cabin
  room and Uncle Matthew crouched in the far corner on the other side of the magical barrier. He looked
  nothing like the man who had... had...
  He looked nothing like the man he had once been. And nothing like the Dark Man-- not anymore.
  "All right, mum," he said, turning away. He could still feel the strange tug of blood calling to blood
  stirring throughout his body: the riotous, aching hurt that spread throughout his belly and breast when
  he thought about... about.
  ~I can't even think it. Not even now.~ He walked between his parents as his father lightly grabbed the
  back of his neck, propelling him forward. ~Maybe. Maybe it would help if I. If I told Sirius...~
  He wasn't sure that he could tell. Maybe if he wrote a letter.
  ~Sirius... I wish you were here now. I need you.
  ~God. I need you.~
  =======================================================================================================
  Siri--
  I'm not sure if I can really do this. If I can put any of this into words. I'm not good with words like
  you are: I'm not good at trying to say what I feel.
  But I'll try. For you.
  I. I've always. wait.
  It- it feels strange to have you touch me. Not bad strange; not really. But... it makes me feel things
  inside. Remember things that I don't quite want to. So it's like I'm pushing towards you and pulling
  away at the same time. Because you're you, Sirius. You're you and you're not him, and I know that, but
  sometimes...
  It's just hard sometimes.
  We went to go see him today. Uncle Matthew? I've told you about him before, a bit. It was... it was as
  if seeing him made it even more. It made it so much harder. Mum and Dad don't understand why he
  frightens me, but he does. I see him in my dreams. Feel him touching me.
  He...
  Siri. I'm going to end this letter now. I don't think I can say much more. I know you'll understand,
  though. You're so smart. You'll know what I'm saying. And someday, I'll tell you with my own voice, k?
  I love you. I do.
  Remus
  =======================================================================================================
  Remus set aside the parchment and quill and sighed. He felt achy inside, but lighter somehow, as if
  something deep and dark had been lifted from his chest, allowing him to breath freer than he had in
  years.
  He just hoped that that darkness hadn't been transferred to Sirius instead.
  "I hope you understand," Remus whispered, rolling the scroll in preparation for his owl's flight.
  "Siri, love, I hope you understand."
  =======================================================================================================
  Sirius knew his father would come find him. And he knew when Artemis did, he'd have to answer his
  father's questions. So, he was quite aware, really, what he was precipitating by hiding out here in the
  chaos of the back garden. It never ceased to amaze Sirius that, even though his father was a brilliant
  theoretical psychiatrist, he never feared an unwarranted 'diagnosis' from him. His dad was just too
  warm, too human to weigh and analyze his son like that. So, Sirius waited, and pretended he'd simply
  lost track of time. Even so, the gentle hand on his shoulder that interrupted his reverie came as a
  shock.
  "Sorry, Sirius. Wasn't trying to be all sneaky." Artemis' warm brown eyes took in Sirius' swollen eyes
  and the scratches on his hands where he'd gone a couple of rounds with a wild rose bush in his earlier
  frustration and impotent rage.
  "I know. I guess I was just a little lost."
  "Sirius, you missed lunch and dinner. You. Missed food. I had rather thought that one of the signs of
  the Apocalypse." His father smiled gently. "In fact, we haven't seen you since you got that owl from
  Remus right after breakfast." The parchment was still in his hands, folded and refolded and read almost
  to falling apart, in the space of just a few hours.
  "Dad..." Sirius was shaking in the evening chill, cutoffs and t-shirt too thin for the late summer
  night. "It's...Remus. He. God, Dad." He launched himself into his father's waiting arms, burrowing his
  face into the worn, faded blue oxford shirt.
  "Shhh...I'm here, Sirius. I'm right here. I've got you." His father soothed him with meaningless
  reassurances. It was one of the most comforting things about his dad, actually. The fact that he never
  tried to pass off those empty, sweet words as anything but fantasy. His dad knew that
  sometimes...sometimes things really are as bad as you think they are.
  "Dad, I need you." Sirius whispered, breath hiccoughing, the cloth beneath his face wet and clinging.
  "I'm in so far over my head, and I don't know how to get back to shore."
  "Oh, Sirius, love. What happened?" Artemis let him go, and Sirius sat back, scrubbing tiredly at his
  swollen eyes with the back of his hand.
  "Remember, when I said Remus...had some problems?" At Artemis' nod, Sirius continued, voice shaky.
  "He's...got more than one. When Remus was seven, his Uncle Matthew, who was an Auror, got bitten by a
  werewolf, and then...then he infected Remus. Remus is a werewolf."
  "Oh. Well." Artemis fell back on what Sirius knew was one of his standard regrouping tactics-cleaning
  his glasses on his shirttail. "And of course they know about this at school."
  "Yes. He has...a cage and they lock him up on full moon nights. I...Dad, I'm going to tell you some
  things you probably won't approve of, but...please. I did the things I did for love. Please try to
  understand.
  "I would sneak into his cage, Dad. And let him...well. Close to the moon rise he's not very human. He's
  never hurt me, because...I'm his mate. I don't know how, or why, but I am. It's like it's what I was
  born to be. His. Then they got him a new cage, and tried to keep me away. But...finally Professor
  Dumbledore talked to me, and he said he believed that forming a mating bond early in his life would
  help Remus stay sane and human. So, he lets me go to him, now."
  "But over the summer, you can't." His father looked at him, comprehension dawning. "But you can feel
  him, can't you? That's why you're so upset around the full moons." At Sirius' miserable nod he
  continued. "I'm not going to sit here and judge you, Sirius. I have no basis, no frame of reference,
  for what this must have been like for both of you."
  "There's. There's more, Dad." Sirius carefully unfolded the parchment, and handed the letter to his
  father. "Please...read this, and tell me I don't see what I know I do. I need...god. I need a
  professional opinion."
  Artemis held the letter like the artifact it obviously was to his son, and read it carefully, noting
  the obvious intellect, and the obvious pain. Every word hurt, and by then end, when he gave the letter
  back to Sirius, he knew there were tears in his eyes.
  "His uncle molested him." It was a bleak pronouncement, and Sirius felt his carefully constructed world
  collapse around him again, but still, he nodded, facing the truth. "His parents never figured it out,
  did they?"
  "No. They just think Matthew bit him. They don't know about the rest. I have to believe they wouldn't
  force him to see him."
  Artemis sighed. "Poor, sweet child. To have to contend with both...the lycanthropy and the abuse."
  "How...how should. What should I do, Dad?" It was an anguished question.
  "Ordinarily, I'd say that you should really treat him no differently. Just show him a lot of patience
  and understanding." Artemis took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly. Sirius
  could imagine that this was roughly the last conversation his dad had expected tonight.
  ~He must be so scared for me.~
  "Yeah, of course. He's...not got the healthiest attitudes about...things." His father sighed heavily.
  "Sirius...try to pretend, just for a little while, that I'm your doctor, not your father. I'm going to
  have to ask you some fairly personal questions, but it's for the best. Okay?"
  "Okay." Sirius' voice was small, but strong.
  "He finds sexual activity terrifying?"
  "Yes. He feels like it's dirty. That he's forced me into feeling attraction too early."
  "Because you're just a little boy, in his eyes? An innocent?"
  "And he thinks that he's some monster because he 'made' me want him."
  "Of course. He doesn't understand normal male sexual development. How could he?"
  Sirius blinked. "Oh. That...that makes a lot of sense."
  "Give him the time and space he needs, but, and this, I suspect, will be the hardest part for you, do
  not neglect your needs. If there's never any push at all, he will stagnate, not heal." Artemis dropped
  his 'professional' demeanor and leaned over to kiss Sirius on the top of his head. "You can handle the
  wolf. You can handle this."
  "Dad...you know how dangerous all this is, right? One good bite, through the skin, and I'm just like
  him."
  "Is that...really all it takes?"
  "Yes, Dad. I just...you should know. I don't have a choice in this, and if I did, I'd still be right
  there with him. Oh...when I'm not there, he tears himself up. He's a mass of cuts and bruises. I..."
  "Shhh...you have nothing to justify to me, love. There are...circumstances...surrounding your mother's
  death that...I still can't talk about. But, believe me when I say that I understand all about hard
  choices, and doing what love bids. Just...be careful." Artemis rose, and held out a shaking hand to his
  son. "Lets get you inside and warmed up, shall we?"
  Impulsively, Sirius threw his arms around his dad, hugging him tight. ~Thank god. There's still one
  person besides Remus whose touch I can bear.~
  =======================================================================================================
  Sirius tugged his dad through the barrier, convinced that Artemis was really a squib, not a Muggle. It
  really should hurt more for a Muggle to cross over, no matter how brilliant, but it only gave his
  father a mild headache that passed in moments, and a slightly nauseating wrench to reality. The dark
  haired boy scanned the crowd restlessly, intent on finding his mate. He didn't feel him near, but he
  still couldn't help looking anyway.
  Finally, Remus pushed his cart through the barrier, mercifully alone. Their eyes met almost instantly,
  and Sirius felt the adoring smile steal over his face, as Remus abandoned his trunk and launched
  himself toward his boyfriend. Sirius wound through the crowd and gathered Remus into a fierce-tender
  embrace, shocked that his lover only came up to his chest. Sirius' hands and feet were so big, and his
  legs so long. Five feet eight inches, and he simply dwarfed Remus.
  Remus raised his face from Sirius' chest and glanced at Artemis, smiling in welcome, then twined his
  arms around Sirius' neck and tugged him down. "You're so tall now." And then he leaned in and kissed
  him, standing on his tiptoes to reach.
  The awkward reaching meant their bodies were pressed together, seamed tightly as they relearned each
  other. Sirius' mouth was sweetly insistent, too-large hands cupping the back of Remus' neck gently. He
  shuddered when Remus stroked his cheek.
  "I've missed you," the smaller boy breathed against his lips.
  "Mmmm..." Came the answering murmur, as Sirius' tongue almost-accidentally brushed Remus' lower lip.
  "It's been so hard."
  Remus' let his mouth open, just a little, at the soft sensation. "I hate summer."
  "Loathe it," Sirius replied, tongue dipping in between Remus' lips, tracing over his teeth. A shiver
  swept down his body when the very tip of Remus' tongue touched his. He pulled away and looked down at
  Remus in wonder, overjoyed by his initiative, and the love he saw in his eyes.
  Remus let his feet rest on the platform again, and took Sirius' hand, turning to Artemis, who had a
  decidedly, well, sappy look on his face. "Hello, Mr. Black. Did you have a nice summer?"
  "I rather think so. I'd ask about yours, but..." He shrugged eloquently. "I'm just assuming you're glad
  to be going back to school."
  "Yes" was the vehement reply.
  Artemis smiled at him understandingly. "Remus, I know you don't know me very well yet, but I want you
  to understand something, all right?" At the boy's hesitant nod, he continued. "If you need to talk
  about anything, all you have to do is owl me. I'm here for you. You're family."
  Remus looked a little confused, and maybe a bit uncomfortable as he again nodded his understanding.
  "Yes, sir." He squeezed Sirius' hand, and the other boy leaned down to whisper, "He cares for you too."
  Remus ducked his head, but he smiled shyly up at Artemis as Sirius and his father said their goodbyes.
  He felt warm inside-- touched and so so glad.
  Sirius pulled away from his father and smiled at him. Artemis waved, glasses reflecting light as they
  stepped towards the train.
  Students swarmed around them as the whistle blew, and Remus allowed himself to be tugged aboard. He
  smiled sweetly at his boyfriend as Sirius squeezed his hand and led him into their compartment, Peter
  and James already waiting for them.
  And another year at Hogwarts began.
  =======================================================================================================
  Remus sighed happily and burrowed closer to Sirius, warm in their shared bed, back at school once more.
  Sleeping on his own had become a chore, even though he had spent all of his life before meeting Sirius
  curled within his own bed. Now, however, if he didn't have Sirius beside him, warm breath on his face,
  he didn't feel right.
  Didn't feel safe.
  "I love you," he whispered, brushing a lock of dark hair from his boyfriend's face. Sirius looked so
  sweet in sleep, the manic energy stilled to deep, regular breaths. He was perfect. Serene.
  And so, so beautiful.
  "Good night, Sirius." Remus leaned close and pressed his lips to Sirius' forehead, tenderly tucking a
  strand of hair behind his ear.
  He snuggled down and sighed happily. Sirius stretched sleepily beside him.
  "G'night," he murmured.
  And together, like they were supposed to be, Sirius and Remus slept.
  =======================================================================================================
  "Du-dum."
  Sirius smiled at the barely-heard murmur, pretending to pay attention to parchment spread on his and
  Remus' lap, covered in his eccentric, esoteric scribbles as Sirius tried to explain a complex
  arithmancy problem to his mate, one leg thrumming over the side of the wing-back chair.
  "Du-dum, du-dum."
  He beat the grin down forcefully, trying to play along. ~I should never have taken them to the movies
  over the summer.~ Remus looked up from his intense concentration, an adorable scowl on his face as the
  tried to figure out the answer to the problem. Sirius wanted to kiss that line between his brows, but
  settled for running a fingertip along it, provoking a light chuckle. "Sirius, I'm not even taking
  arithmancy. Why are you doing this to me?"
  "It's fun."
  "Du-dum, du-dum, du-du-DUM" Four hands grabbed Sirius round the knees and *yanked* him suddenly from
  the chair, squealing like a girl the whole way down.
  "Shaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrk!" Sirius screamed, howling with laughter as his assailants pretended to take
  huge, chomping bites out of his belly and his arms and legs. His hair tangled everywhere--around James'
  hand, in Peter's mouth--as he struggled and laughed. "Heeellllp meeeeeeeee!" The girlish trill made the
  whole common room laugh.
  ~Please, love, please come play.~ He silently begged Remus, even as he gave himself wholeheartedly to
  the wrestling match. When his strength was almost spent, robbed by too much laughter and too little
  air, he felt strong hands pulling James and Peter off him, growling ferociously. ~Uh oh.~
  But Remus was laughing, warm amber eyes bright with mischief as he just let himself go. Sirius could
  see it--the uncertainty, the fear, the awkwardness--melting away as Remus looked down at his breathless
  prize.
  "My heeero," Sirius simpered, fluttering his long, sooty-dark eyelashes.
  "Oh? Y'think so?" Then Remus was on him, pinning him down while Jamie and Peter renewed their assault.
  ~So pretty when you laugh.~ was one of the only coherent thoughts he managed until the boys took pity
  on his heaving, gasping body.
  First Peter stopped, then James, dropping off to either side, just as exhausted as Sirius. Remus
  continued to sit on him, long after the tickling ceased. They were all panting and grinning, and with a
  heartstopping suddenness Remus bent down and kissed him, full on the lips. It was a lingering, sweet
  kiss, prompting wolf-whistles from the onlookers, and shocked gasps from Sirius.
  The taller boy could feel his eyes fill with that silly, moon-and-stars adoration as Remus pulled away
  from him with a breathy, throaty little laugh. It fed his soul in some odd, indefinable way, to see
  Remus relaxed enough to show his love in front of all these people so unreservedly, to see him trust
  their friends enough to be himself.
  James and Peter screwed up their lips into caricature puckers and cooed coquettishly, making kissy-
  kissy noises. Remus blushed and giggled ~giggled!~ and shrugged, crawling over Sirius to James and
  making as if to take him into his arms and kiss him, too. James squealed and backpedaled, arms raised
  as if in horror, eyes bright and happy. Peter mewed, "Me, oh, my turn, Reemie!" Remus pounced on him,
  then let him go.
  ~So good to see him happy.~
  =======================================================================================================
  It was nearing October, and Remus still wasn't sure what to get Sirius for his birthday.
  "I can't think of anything!" he moaned to James, tossing down his books. Sirius was off researching a
  project with his lab partner, so the friends had a few hours to plan. "I've thought of everything, but
  nothing seems right!"
  "Aren`t we getting him gag gifts? From... you know where." Peter had slowly begun to grow on Remus with
  time, until he could almost no longer remember not liking the pale-haired boy.
  "Yeah... and God... but I have to get him something else. It's his fourteenth birthday."
  James laughed. "I don't recall any of us getting you something spectacular when you turned fourteen."
  Remus shrugged his shoulders. "My birthday's in the summer, so there wasn't much you could do."
  Peter grinned. "Besides, you being a whole year older than us... We wouldn't know what to get a great
  big dweeb like you."
  "Well," Remus said, nose raising haughtily, "It's not my fault that you and Jamie are immature
  thirteen-year old prats!"
  There was a feminine laugh from behind him. "You tell `em, Reemie."
  Remus turned, startled, then grinned back at his own lab partner. "Hullo, Lil. Do you have the books?"
  The red-headed girl lifted the heavy tomes. "Right here. Though I don't know why you need them-- you
  practically have it all memorized already!"
  Remus winked. "There's always room for improvement. Oh, hey," he added, turning to motion to James and
  Peter. "M'not sure you know my friends all that well. This is Peter,"
  Peter and Lilly exchanged pleasant greetings.
  "And this is James."
  The Ravenclaw girl smiled. "Nice to meet you."
  "Er. Yeah."
  She turned back to Remus. "Well, I'll meet you out on the green in ten minutes?"
  "Make it fifteen-- I need to finish something up here."
  She grinned. "Sounds great. See you then." With barely a glance back she turned away, red hair
  gleaming, and left the library.
  "So," Remus said, plunking down. "Any ideas for a gift?"
  =======================================================================================================
  Remus tried not to stare around at the shop like a yokel.
  "I don't believe this place," James whispered. It was the last Hogsmeade weekend before Sirius'
  birthday, and, fortunately for them, Sirius had been forced to remain behind for detention.
  "Just... let's find what we need and get out of here!" Peter was blushing furiously as they passed into
  the store. It was farther away from the main street, discretely hidden sign advertising Mommy Fortuna's
  Pleasure Palace.
  They passed down through the aisles, looking at strange, vaguely arousing and yet disturbing items.
  Peter picked up toys, then set them down with a wavery laugh. Remus laughed with them, and blushed,
  then grabbed his own present from the back wall, smiling when it slithered against his fingers.
  "Red," James said, stepping up next to him, and Remus nodded and put down the blue boxers, exchanging
  them for deep jewel red. The boxers were almost living things, smooth and soft and shivering against
  the touch, sure to arouse.
  Remus imagined Sirius in them and shifted to hide his erection.
  They continued down the aisles, aware of the sales clerk watching them with amused distance. "Hold up,"
  Peter said, pausing before a shelf. He blinked at a strange, rubbery cylinder, laying flaccid on its
  display. "What's this?" he wondered aloud, lifting it up. He squeezed the tip and almost dropped it
  from shock when it went hard and began to vibrate.
  Remus and James stared at him with wide eyes as Peter went scarlet and carefully set the vibrating
  dildo back onto its shelf. "Right, then," he squeaked, turning away. "Um... over here."
  "Right." James and Peter hurried off to continue looking, and Remus paused, eyes fixed on the dildo.
  Maybe...
  He reached out tentatively and touched it. It was warm against his fingers, and soft.
  Quickly, before either of his friends could notice, Remus snatched it off of the shelf and hid it
  within the folds of his robe. He couldn't meet the cashiers' eyes as he handed over the money and
  accepted the separately wrapped packages, flush permanently staining his face.
  And yet...
  He touched the bag, imagining that he could feel its warmth, and a slow, pleased smile spread across
  his face.
  ~If Sirius knew that I had this~ he thought wickedly, watching as James and Peter bought their own
  gifts. ~If he only knew.~
  =======================================================================================================
  Such soft, raspy little licks. One to his chin, another to his slightly-parted lips. Sirius shifted in
  his sleep, mewling sweetly, and dream-Remus purred and bestowed more. The smooth cheeks were favored
  with moist caresses, then his temples. Black hair tangled across their pillows as he twisted and turned
  his head to get more, to get petted and loved.
  The gentle swipe of his mate's tongue across his fluttering eyelids, the tender, delicate skin beneath
  turned the dream from sweetly comforting to blisteringly hot in the space of a moment.
  The tip of the agile tongue gathered the salt from tear ducts, traced the shape of his nose, then
  disappeared. Sirius whimpered in the back of his throat, suddenly starving for those barely-there
  touches. Awareness grew from the back of his mind as he struggled toward Remus. Dream faded to reality,
  but his arousal didn't diminish in the slightest.
  The purr turned to a low, possessive growl and instead of tongue against his skin, he felt teeth.
  Lovely sharp teeth grazing the line of his jaw in tiny little bites, then sinking into the flesh of his
  neck. His arousal skyrocketed from slow burn to desperate fire as he came fully awake, breathless and
  wide-eyed.
  "Remus!" The other boy had retreated to the far side of the bed, sheepish and red-cheeked.
  "Ummm...Happy Birthday?" Remus was breathing just as hard as he was, thrusting out a perfect, purple-
  blue rose like a shield. A Whispering Rose. Sirius grinned, panting as he fought his arousal back down
  to manageable levels.
  "Thank you," he purred in reply, eliciting an even deeper blush. "All that and a rose, too?"
  "No! Well, not exactly. There's this, too." Remus pushed a silver box toward him, still holding out the
  rose like he desperately wished Sirius would just take the damn thing.
  ~Ohh, no, Remus-love. You're so pretty when you're all flustered.~
  Long fingers opened the catch on the box, and his eyebrows crept up at what it held inside. Dark red
  satin boxers. "My, my, Remus..." He smiled at his boyfriend. "They're lovely."
  Hoots of laughter erupted outside the bed curtains, as James called out, "Ooooh, Siri! Model them for
  us!" Peter catcalled his wholehearted support for the proposal.
  Sirius shrugged and knelt up on the bed, preparing to shove down his pajama bottoms and comply, never
  one to miss an opportunity. Remus gasped and shot his hand out to stop him.
  "Sirius, no! Please?"
  His boyfriend relented with a smile. "All right, beautiful. I'll give you a private showing later."
  Finally he took the Whispering Rose from Remus' almost-nerveless hands. The delicate voice was so soft
  he almost missed its words. He leaned in, and Remus followed, each straining to hear what the rose was
  saying.
  "Wannafuckyoulickyoushovemytongueintoyouthenfuckfuckfuckyoursweetlittleholesohardyouscreamscreamscream"
  "Shit." Sirius laugh-gasped, dwindling arousal shooting back to fever pitch at the hot words, the
  knowledge they were taken from Remus' mind.
  "Shut that thing up! Hurry, before they hear!" Cock so hard it hurt, Sirius managed a playful shrug and
  slipped it under the pillow, which obligingly silenced the obscene little murmurs.
  "Since my current predicament is entirely your fault, I think you should venture forth and retrieve my
  bath robe." Sirius gestured haughtily toward the room beyond the curtains. "I am obviously not fit for
  innocent eyes right now." Remus rolled his eyes but complied, thankful he'd already put on his own
  robe, cinching it tight to hide his arousal. Rather than grabbing the burgundy robe slung carelessly
  over the chest, Remus pulled Sirius' final birthday present from the shadowed recesses of the other,
  unused bed. "Come on out, then." James and Peter were perched on the end of James' bed, full of
  prurient curiosity, eyes bright with mischief.
  Sirius slithered through the curtains, only to be enveloped in the softest, warmest, most beautiful
  cloak he'd ever seen. The black folds felt delicious on his bare chest, silk inside and heavy, buttery-
  soft wool on the outside. He moaned happily and turned smiling eyes to Remus, who was blushing again.
  "You like? The hem lets out magically as you grow."
  "I love." Sirius leaned in to kiss Remus lightly, much to the delight of their audience. "But you
  shouldn't have got me so much!"
  "Do you seriously think I'd only get you a rose and a pair of gag-gift boxers for your birthday?" Remus
  nuzzled the side of his face, and Sirius managed to resist pulling him close inside the cloak.
  "Besides...it's so cold in the Shack."
  "What was so funny about the boxers? I thought they were very pretty." James and Peter doubled over
  from suppressed giggles. Sirius eyed them balefully as Remus blushed yet again. "You need to quit with
  the blushes. You're going to give yourself a stroke."
  By way of reply, Remus picked up the box from the bed and handed it to Sirius. "Let's just say you
  probably don't want to wear them to class. Feel them." His boyfriend ran testing fingertips down the
  soft-slick fabric, and jumped a little when the material arched to his touch. As he rested his hand on
  the silk, it writhed and caressed his skin maddeningly. "Ohhhh..."
  "So, see? A joke. Be glad I've managed to restrain those two from daring you to wear them to class
  today."
  "Sirius, we d..." James piped up, only to be cut off by a werewolf death-glare.
  "Shut it, Jamie."
  "What if I want to wear them, Remus?" Sirius had removed the boxers from the silver chest and was
  holding them against his cheek.
  "Then you'd just have to deal with the consequences." Remus replied primly, trying not to see the
  apparent sensual joy Sirius was taking in his present.
  "Oh, but they're self-cleaning!" Peter supplied helpfully, which only engendered another fit of giggles
  from him and James.
  "Maybe we'd better give Sirius the rest of his presents, before we're late for breakfast." Remus
  intercepted the conversation in a tone that brooked no argument, muttering under his breath to Sirius.
  "Sorry, those things were James' idea."
  "So you don't want to see me in them?" Sirius pouted deliciously.
  Remus was spared the need to answer the obvious question as Peter shoved a small, beribboned packaged
  in Sirius' hand. "It's 'gaily decorated'," Peter beamed, indicating the purple and pink bows. "To
  celebrate the fact that you're now such a grown up gay boy."
  "Why didn't you torment Remus with the homosexual innuendo on his fourteenth birthday?" Sirius
  pretended to grump as he began to untie the ribbons.
  "Because, Siri-love, even in Remus' gayest moments, he's not half as gay as you, friend of mine." James
  grinned and Remus nodded regally in agreement.
  Sirius' eyebrows raised as he extricated a small crystal phial from the wrapping. It bore a label
  proclaiming it as 'Magic Glide Cherry Lube'. The dark red fluid slid slippery around the inside of the
  bottle. He calmly unstoppered it and stuck in a pinky finger, pulling it out coated in slick stuff that
  smelled just like real honest-to-goodness ripe cherries. He sucked it off, a rapturously slutty look on
  his face, provoking blushes and much clearing of throats all around. "Mmmm...it heats up, too." ~Ah,
  vengeance is sweet. And, hey, so is this. It's pretty damned good.~
  By the time he was done licking and sucking his finger clean, all three of his roommates were shifting
  uncomfortably. ~Try to embarrass Sirius Black, hmm?~ "So, James. Did you buy the dildo?" Remus growled
  low in his throat, sending fresh chills up his spine. James squeaked and handed him his present,
  shaking his head. Sirius pouted in mock-disappointment, which gave way to more seductive cooing when he
  unwrapped weighty black leather manacles with sturdy silver rings. Remus' eyes turned a molten copper,
  and Sirius could feel the animal need coming off him in waves as he fastened them around his wrists and
  raised his hands over his head as if bound. "I'm at your mercy, I suppose." They looked at him mutely
  and he held the position for a few seconds before relenting and taking them off with a grin. "I'm not
  sure if a 'thank you' is in order. Wasn't there a Social Graces for Sorcerers column in the Prophet a
  couple of weeks ago on what's proper to say when your school chums give you sex toys?"
  His friends laughed, and they hurriedly dressed for the day. The red boxers stayed safely unworn, but
  Sirius felt the entire morning had been a success when Remus grabbed him and gave him an all-too-rare
  deep, hungry real kiss that left his mouth tingling and his cock hard half the day.
  "Mine." Was the only word Remus said in response to his performance, but Sirius reckoned anything more
  would have been superfluous.
  =======================================================================================================
  Remus hurried through the halls, head down and books clasped within his arms.
  ~Late late late late late late late lat--~
  He choked when he felt something under his feet, tripping him. He struggled to catch himself, barely
  managing to stay upright at the expense of his books. With a loud bang, they fell to the floor,
  scattering loose parchments.
  "Fuck," Remus sighed.
  "Oh, I'm sorry." Lucius Malfoy smiled maliciously, pointed ferret face breaking open in glee. "I didn't
  see you there."
  "Fuck off, Malfoy," Remus snapped, kneeling to collect his papers. He was vaguely aware of Lucius and
  his clique moving off, laughing amongst themselves. Everything he was focused down on controlling his
  anger.
  "Mother-fucking pricks."
  "Here."
  Remus' chin jerked up at the low voice, eyes meeting Severus Snape's cold gaze.
  "Thanks," he said, taking the book Snape handed him. His brows drew together in confusion as Snape
  helped him gather his things, cold, long-fingered hands brushing his gently, almost lingering.
  Then Snape stood.
  "Later, Lupin," he said, hands shoving into the pockets of his robe. His back hunched under Remus'
  eyes, and Remus crouched there for a moment longer, confused. What was Snape up to?
  Then, shaking himself and hefting his things, Remus ran for DADA, praying that he wouldn't be too very
  late.
  =======================================================================================================
  ~He'll understand. He has to understand if I just need a moment.~ Fever-clumsy fingers unknotted the
  drawstring cinching the cutoff sweatpants he wore to bed. The curtains were pulled tightly around his
  bed, and Sirius silently prayed that Remus would get the hint and just...just wait. Give him just a
  minute...~god god won't take long at all~ because he couldn't do it. Not tonight. He couldn't curl up
  chaste and sweet next to the person who made him burn like this. Want like this.
  Impatient, heedless of anything save the sharp throb of his aching cock, and the wrong, agonizing
  emptiness, Sirius shoved the shorts down his long legs and off, hips lifting hungrily, skin desperate
  for contact. A moment to shove the end of a pillow in his mouth and oh, it didn't even take a moment
  for his mind to provide an image
  --Remus kneeling between his spread legs ~yes, open up for me, beautiful~ eyes copper-bright and hot
  with need for him. Need to take his mate and fuck him and own him and ~god yes, see how open I am? How
  much I need your cock, Remus?~ then that long, rough tongue swipes up inside him, testing the truth of
  his pleading words--
  before his greedy fingers grasped his slick erection and wrapped around, rough and tender and so damn
  good because he'd needed this all day. Sitting next to Remus in class, the full moon so near, feeling
  him shifting constantly and occasionally growling just a tiny bit at the minor inconveniences of the
  day, and it was all Sirius could do not to drop down in the hall and just beg for Remus to fuck him.
  ~I could do it. I could I could I could. I could make him fuck me.~ Sirius choked off a low, ravenous
  moan and shoved two fingers deep inside him, dry and just-a-bit painful and perfect. The way he liked
  it. He knew his body, knew just exactly where his prostate was and he barely managed to stifle the cry
  as he rubbed at it with each brutal thrust of his fingers. ~Let him hear, let him open the curtain in
  concern, because oh, I sound like I'm in pain and I am. Let him see me like this, oh, yes, look at your
  sweet, innocent little boy now.~ A dirty thought, a mean thought.
  And so goddamned hot it made his cock pulse heavily, adding more lubrication as he started fucking his
  fist and jabbing his fingers in as far as they would go, legs falling open in a forced stretch as he
  tried for just a tiny bit more more. Another finger scraped in, nails too-sharp against the delicate,
  distended flesh ~think I don't know what it is to get fucked, Remus-love? Think I don't? Think your
  cock would punish me half as much as I punish myself?~ God, he hoped it would. He hoped it would rip
  him open.
  Footsteps outside his bed and Sirius knew Remus heard. Smelled. Felt it coming off him in blood-heavy
  waves. ~I smell like a fucking animal, don't I? So come in here and fuck me.~
 The primitive noise he made when he came couldn't be stifled. It was too low, too savage. Not human,
  not sweet, not civilized. Panting loudly, he withdrew his fingers and used them to scoop up the seed on
  his belly, sucking it off and moaning, taking too long to come down, to come back. To remember that he
  was kind and in love and patient and good.
  Finally, he summoned the reason necessary to find the damp cloth and clean himself up, to cast the
  freshening spell he highly doubted would mask anything to Remus, and pull up his sweatpants.
  ~There...all proper. All safe. All human.~
  Sirius cracked open the curtains and peered out at Remus, frozen in place with his hand on the bedpost,
  as if to steady himself. ~Restrain himself.~
  "There you are! Ready for bed, love?" A long, elegant-awkward hand pulled the curtains apart and he
  mustered a half-teasing grin. "I'm exhausted."
  Of all the reactions he feared, the last thing Sirius imagined was Remus slowly, deliberately relaxing
  the bowstring tension of his muscles to raise one arched eyebrow at him. Two measured steps and Remus
  was standing beside him, bending slowly to frame Sirius' face in strong hands. Escape was impossible,
  if Sirius could even conceive of such a thing.
  Then Remus' breath was hot on his cheeks, and his tongue, intimate and moist and almost shocking,
  flickered out to trace the outline of his lips. Sirius whimpered and opened his mouth, tongue peeking
  out between even white teeth, willing Remus to deepen the kiss, but his boyfriend had other ideas.
  Darting, tasting little licks around his mouth drove him mad, and his lips grew hot and swollen and far
  too sensitive. His hips were restless, bucking up as his arousal flared back to life, but still Remus
  refused to halt his explorations.
  ~Do I taste good? Would you like to see my mouth wrapped around your cock? Ohhh...I want it. Want
  anything. Too much of not enough. Have to do something.~
  The fingers never released their grip, and all Sirius could do was lie there and just let Remus do this
  thing that made him feel so vulnerable. Low, possessive growls twisted into Sirius' belly, even he
  could scent the arousal, see the electric shimmer between them. His body writhed, but his face was held
  fast, and Sirius thought he might come by the time Remus heeded his pitiful mewls and dragged his
  tongue along Sirius', licking at it where it reached hungrily past his lips. The taste must have been
  especially pleasing, if Sirius could judge by the sudden ferocity of the strangely contented noises his
  mate made.
  The generous lips encircled his thrust-out tongue and suckled it ~oh god~ like a tiny cock as Sirius
  pleaded for more, one of his own hands drawn to stroke the cloth-covered bulge straining so desperately
  for touch. A dark patch of wetness blossomed under his caressing hand, and Sirius saw Remus' golden-
  copper-brown eyes flicker downward, then back up to his face, an unreadable, alien look held in their
  depths.
  With a last, fascinated lick Remus pulled back, and grinned at Sirius. The Wolf was strong in him
  tonight, and Sirius responded, needed him so badly. ~Bad enough to risk it tomorrow night, bad enough
  to go into the cage and bare my belly for the beast.~ Wordlessly, Remus kissed him on the forehead and
  crawled into the other bed, casting a glance to make sure the silence spell that demarcated their end
  of the dorm room was functioning as it should.
  A moment passed, then one of Remus' hands extended from the curtains and dropped his school robe in a
  messy puddle, followed shortly by his boxers. Sirius watched the clothes emerge and his mind supplied
  the picture--Remus stretching naked across the dark red duvet, knees drawing up and out as his hand
  kneaded and pinched at tiny, pebbled nipples. His mate's cock leaked onto the flat-muscled belly,
  jerking at the stimulation. Remus would tease himself, oh yes. Sirius was sure of it.
  Low, wanton moans, muffled through two layers of velvet bed curtains, lay on his skin like caresses,
  and Sirius slid the shorts down his hips once more. ~Should just sleep naked. Wonder what Remus would
  say to that?~ He sat up against the pillows, spreading his legs and crooking his knees, looking down at
  the angry, dripping flesh between them.
  The sight of his own erection was oddly tantalizing, bobbing slickly against his belly. The color was
  so dark, and it hurt to be this hard, but still, Sirius didn't want to rush this time. Not with Remus
  so close, so tuned to his actions. Not when he could feel that Remus was aroused by him.
  He petted the sensitive flesh with tender fingertips, not bothering to quell his searching moan. "Ohhh,
  god Remus."
  "Sirius..." His mate's voice was strained, and Sirius` heart jumped. He didn't sound frightened or
  disgusted. Maybe...
  "Oh, have you ever teased yourself, Remus?" The lightly stroking fingers gathered drops of precome and
  painted the wetness in delicate patterns over his shaft.
  "N...no. What are you doing, Sirius?" Remus' voice was harsh, breathing labored.
  "Drawing little designs on my cock with my come." Sirius felt possessed...it was no secret that Sirius
  could say scandalous things with a straight face, but this was a strange, heady, incredibly hot
  freedom.
  "Oh... Ohh. That's... That's not nice at all." Remus growled softly, the Wolf in every rough-toned
  syllable.
  "Mmmm, says you." Sirius brought his slick fingertips to his nipples. "I've spent hours doing this." He
  groaned low in his chest as he scraped them roughly. "Are your nipples sensitive, love?"
  "I...I don't know. I don't do...this...if I can avoid it." Remus sounded flustered.
  ~Sexual predator to nervous kid in .02 seconds. Hmmm...~ "Get your fingers nice and slick and then rub
  the wetness into your nipples." Sirius imitated his own advice, and a sharp, startled gasp greeted his
  ears. He smiled even as his cock leapt. "That sounded like a yes."
  "Yes."
  "Pinch them. Hard." Remus was obviously stifling a loud cry. "Ohhh, no, love. Let me hear you." ~I
  can't believe this is happening. I can't believe he's letting this happen.~
  "Godohgod, Sirius!"
  Sirius fought not to come from that shocked tone. "Do you need to come, love?"
  Mewling gasps flowed in the space between them. "Sirius, stop, please." Remus sobbed, and slick little
  sucking and gliding noises told him that Remus was pushing himself hard into orgasm.
  Sirius shut his mouth by shoving his fingers in it, wrapping the other hand around his cock and
  finishing himself off fast and rough. Seed splashed hot on his belly, and he cried out loudly with the
  force of it. ~As close to sex as we're likely to come for a very long while.~
  He swiped tiredly at the cooling fluids. It must be past midnight. James and Peter had been asleep for
  awhile. "Remus?"
  "Sirius?"
  "You all right, love?"
  "Mmm. Yes, I think so."
  "May...may I come over and sleep with you?"
  "Please."
  Sirius grinned and slid out of his bed and into Remus'. "Don't make me get dressed." He crawled
  straight under the covers in the darkness, to find that Remus had already pulled his boxers back on.
  "No need to be formal on my account," came the sleepy response.
  Sirius kissed his boyfriend on the cheek as they twined around each other, legs tangling in their
  customary untidy array as Remus burrowed into Sirius' chest, growling contentedly. "Sirius."
  "Mmmm?"
  "Swear me something."
  "'Course."
  "Don't come into the cage anymore."
  "But...I'm not afraid!" Sirius roused enough to tighten his arms around Remus.
  "I am."
  "You won't hurt me."
  "But I could take you, and bite you, and make you just like me."
  "Take me, bite me...and we'll share the cage."
  "Foolish child."
  "Not a child. Not anymore."
  "Hmph." Remus nuzzled closer, voice no less commanding for its softness. "Swear."
  Sirius sighed and wrapped a long leg around Remus' hips, enfolding him thoroughly. "I swear it." He
  felt Remus' answering smile on his skin.
  "Someday, my heart," Remus whispered sleepily. "Someday you will be mine. Heart and soul and flesh and
  bone and blood. MINE. And I'll be yours. That is what I swear to you."
  Suddenly, for Sirius, sleep was far away indeed.
  =======================================================================================================
  Later that night, Sirius woke slowly, confused by the moonlight still seeping into the cracks in their
  bed curtain. Not morning...but Remus was gone. He'd never awakened alone--it was disconcerting,
  uncomfortable. His place had already cooled, and Sirius looked inside the bed, sleep-stupid, thinking
  surely Remus was there somewhere. ~'M cold dammit.~
  Hmph. No luck, not even waaaay down at the end of the bed where the shadows were thickest. Well...a
  grin stole across his face as he remembered what they'd shared, just a few hours ago. ~Wonder if Remus
  will ever figure out that doing things like that is even kinkier than actually fucking?~ Or...~shit~
  maybe that's just it. Maybe he did figure it out. ~And now he's off angsting somewhere.~
  He nosed through the curtain, peering into the room. ~Oh. Well, that was easy.~ Remus stood by the
  window, bathed in the nearly-full moonlight, heart-stoppingly beautiful and perfect and his. The other
  boy's lips were moving, and his face was set in a pained, angry grimace. Sirius strained to make out
  the solitary words.
  "No! It wasn't like that. Don't make it ugly." One small, broad hand stroked his cock through his
  boxers, bringing it slowly to life, even as Remus turned his face away from someone who simply wasn't
  there. A sick chill crept down Sirius' spine as he realized Remus was...~no, oh, sweetheart~ having
  delusions.
  ~No. Maybe it's just something I can't see.~ He shifted his senses, just like he'd been taught in
  Defense Against the Dark Arts, trying to see the spirit, the ghost, the creature that dared harm his
  mate. Nothing.
  Remus whimpered as his own sharp fingernail drew a deep, clean line of red across his chest. "Of course
  it wasn't what I really wanted! Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I wanted more?" A tear
  slipped down his face, held at an angle that mimicked someone else's commanding hand on his chin.
  "Shut UP! You don't talk about him that way!" Remus flinched and gripped his own thigh, fingernails
  drawing blood forth once more as Sirius watched in horrified fascination.
  "You don't know what he was doing, you couldn't see him!" The carmine streaks expanded into little
  rivulets, running down the insides of his thighs. "So what? It doesn't make him dirty. You're dirty.
  You're fucking filthy."
  ~Oh, Remus. Sweetheart. This is your Monster.~ Words spun through his head, his father's words from his
  father's books--fragmented, post-traumatic, compartmentalized, multiple personality disorder... ~No!
  He's not mad. He's not. He's just hurt.~
  Remus' other hand covered his cock, pawing at it roughly, agonizingly erect even as Remus backed
  himself against the cold, pure glazing of the window. He shut his lips against his cries and writhed
  and tried to shove his assailant away. But how could he?
  Remus' solitary struggle ended with a mighty thrust, hand withdrawing from his boxers. He panted
  quietly and refused the sobs that Sirius could feel compressing his chest. The poison in the inaudible
  words found their mark unerringly as every line in Remus' body stiffened.
  "NO! I FORBID it. You will not touch Sirius, you fucking unholy thing." In that moment, Sirius' own
  heart constricted. The danger he'd been in every month...it made him shake with unfamiliar fear.
  Stinking, crawling evil held at bay by the unimaginable bravery of one little boy. By the force of his
  love. By sheer will.
  ~He fights his demons away from me.~ Sirius stifled his own sob, Remus' pain as tangible to him as
  claws in his belly.
  "Haven't you had enough of me? Of us? You've won. You've made me just like you."
  ~Matthew Morgan.~ Hate rolled quick and hot through his veins. Resolution of violence hardening his
  heart and turning him cold inside, a flash-fire inverted in his soul. ~Someday...someday I will become
  a great Auror. And then I will hunt you down and kill you for what you did to him.~
  It was all he could do not to rush from the bed and enfold the sturdy body with his own. In the depths
  of his beloved's pain, Sirius knew full well that he'd fight anything or anyone that touched him. So he
  watched Remus crumple to the floor, rocking and wailing softly in the silvered light.
  An interminable time later, Remus unwound himself stiffly and struggled to his feet, bloody wounds
  congealed and angry-looking. Sirius ducked back into the bed, feigning sleep. Remus crawled back in
  beside him, exhaustion graying his face. ~I can't even fathom, my heart, what this takes out of you.~
  When Remus didn't reach for him, Sirius turned as though in fitful slumber, blindly seeking his mate's
  warmth and burrowing close to his body, ignoring the tackiness of drying blood. "Mmm, lo'you" he
  slurred, face burrowed trustingly in Remus' neck.
  The compact body relaxed then, and he was enfolded once more. "And I love you too, Sirius Black. Enough
  to tell you no." The murmured words had the sound of self-convincing.
  Sirius matched his breathing to Remus' and let sleep drag him down. The fear receded into a dim,
  useless thing in the face of Remus' need for his trust.
  ~I will not fail you, Remus.~
  =======================================================================================================
  The dreams were coming again. The dreams and the fear. They choked him, suffocated, stealing away
  rational thought as they slide insidious into his life.
  "Leave me alone," he whispered to the Dark Man, feeling his presence crouched like a demon on his
  chest. He twisted with need and fear and intoxicating memories.
  "Please. Please. Leave me alone."
  =======================================================================================================
  Sirius looked over at Remus, cauldron bubbling merrily between them. Perhaps 'merry' was a strange
  description for something that looked like decayed pond scum and smelt twice as bad, but
  nevertheless...the holiday spirit was infectious. His mate, though, scowled at his grin and cut up a
  flobberworm with rather more glee than strictly necessary. Sirius' grin faded. ~Two nights past the
  full moon, and still feeling it.~
  Sirius had a legacy, too. Scratches on his belly, and memories of things, of pleasures, he shouldn't
  take. It had been a bad night, the worst Sirius could remember. Nothing he said, nothing he did, could
  soothe Remus, could stop the low wails and the blossoming of red tracks along his golden skin. The
  strangeness of their time in the Shack always amazed him. It was a place out of space, out of the ebb
  and flow of reality. They were different people there. Simpler, purer.
  So when he opened the cage door and crawled in, gathering the stocky, feverish body to his own,
  wrapping his new cloak around them both and rocking, rocking away the demons, he knew he could walk out
  again changed. Marked, fucked, turned. But it. Didn't. matter. Remus mattered. The greedy hands in his
  hair, the needy kisses. The rough-sweet voice commanding Sirius to show his arousal, to make himself
  come for ravenous copper eyes to see. The tongue that cleaned him and the hot fluid spilling across his
  belly in turn. Those things mattered.
  Outside the cage again, shoved out when the change was starting, all Sirius could do was sit wrapped in
  darkness and talk. Soothing the wolf with promises and dreams and his sweet, sweet fearlessness.
  When dawn found them, Remus crept tiredly from his cage and calmly, almost coldly, informed Sirius of
  his anger. Sirius would be banned from the Shack if he couldn't show a little more self-restraint. He'd
  promised. Remus couldn't remember what had happened, not completely, but he was covered in Sirius'
  scent, and he could only guess, in horror, what Sirius had let him do. Sirius let the words fall over
  him. He was numb--cold, exhausted, cored-out and left to wither. He nodded and apologized and lied.
  Nothing happened. Remus had been stronger than the wolf. Sirius had just been a dumb, overeager kid and
  had come from a kiss. "Thank god you don't remember it, love. It was really embarrassing."
  Remus bought it. He thought. And a day later, Sirius had almost convinced himself. Remus, though, was
  still out of sorts.
  ~I hope he likes his present.~ The thought prompted another silly grin, another scowl from Remus.
  "What are you so blasted smug about, then?" The rich voice was sardonic.
  "Your Christmas present, of course." Sirius tucked his hair behind his ears. Remus' fascination with
  the raven silk of his hair had prompted him to let it grow until it reached the middle of his back in a
  straight, dark fall. "Well, one of them, at least."
  "Ah."
  "Don't sound so enthused, love." Sirius was amused.
  "I don't trust you. Not even a little."
  "You wound me, Remus Lupin. It's spectacular."
  "That's what I'm afraid of."
  =======================================================================================================
  They watched the upperclassmen dash about like mad fools the day of the Yule Ball, girls squealing,
  boys angsting. Corsages, dress robes, and grooming spells flew all afternoon, until finally they sorted
  themselves out into couples and left the rest of them in peace.
  "Aha! Now it's time!" Sirius leapt up and dragged Remus from their comfortable pile in front of the
  fire, their shared book falling closed with a snap. James and Peter looked at them, eyes wide with
  conspiracy.
  Peter spirited Remus up to their dorm room, utterly refusing his questions. James and Sirius laughed
  and liberated the packages they'd hidden behind some very dusty old text books way up at the top of the
  common room bookcases. James climbed up on the back of the sofa and handed them down, one after the
  other.
  "Think he'll be pleased?" Sirius asked nervously, ripping open the first box to reveal a set of dark
  blue dress robes, dashing into the bathroom and skinning out of his jeans and jumper with James
  standing guard.
  "How could he not be?" James' eyes were fond as he helped his best friend situate the fancy robes,
  getting them straightened and arranging them to fall properly. "Not many people would do something so
  elaborate."
  "Oh, it was a fun challenge." Sirius waved dismissively, replacing his trainers with soft, warmly lined
  kidskin slippers.
  "No, it was an enormous pain in the arse and well you know it. You even had to set Remus up to get
  detention last Saturday so you could risk expulsion by sneaking into Hogsmeade." James got on his
  tiptoes to brush out his hair for him.
  "It'll be worth it, if I can make his eyes light up."
  James brushed in silence for a moment, face pensive in the mirror beside Sirius'. "Siri, have you two
  done anything yet?"
  "What d'you mean? Have we had sex?" Sirius was unembarrassed, leaning into James' brushstrokes
  luxuriantly.
  "Well, yeah."
  "You'd know, trust me. For one thing, I'd tell you. You're my best friend." Sirius smiled at him, eyes
  shadowed.
  "You want to, though. Don't you?" James stopped brushing his hair and stroked it as it fell shining and
  perfect down his friend's back.
  "More than I can possibly say." Sirius' grin was rueful as he rummaged in another bag for he silver
  hair clasp he'd bought.
  James took it from his hands and twisted it around the black tresses. "Then why not? I mean...it's
  making you miserable, isn't it?"
  "He's not ready. It's as simple as that." He turned toward James and hugged him. "You're sweet for
  worrying. You're right, I want him so bad it aches, like...a..."
  "Like a piece of yourself isn't where it ought to be." James offered, voice muffled against Sirius'
  chest.
  "Exactly." Sirius released him and surveyed himself in the mirror one last time, pleased with the
  results. The first time he'd realized that boys and girls were looking at him, he was deeply disturbed
  by the idea. He belonged to Remus, why on earth would they look at him like...like he could be anyone,
  or anything, other than that? Now, though, he accepted it with good grace, understanding that looking
  and wanting were not the same as having.
  James stepped away and tugged Sirius back into the common room. The invisibility cloak was folded
  neatly in one package, and another held a small picnic basket filled with thoroughly decadent things
  Sirius had picked up at Honeydukes, nestled alongside a bottle of what looked to be a decent red wine.
  Goodies packed and small, red-wrapped package in tow, Sirius began to pace the common room nervously,
  much to James' amusement. "What is taking them so long?"
  "Maybe Peter isn't as good a hairdresser as I am," James drawled. He looked past Sirius to the stairway
  and nodded. "There he is."
  Sirius spun around, and his heart skipped a beat. Rich, russet silk velvet brought out every golden
  highlight in his hair, made his tawny skin glow as if lit from within. And he was smiling, looking at
  Sirius with a combination of awe and hunger that left him breathless.
  "Siri, these are beautiful." He stopped on the bottom step, running a trembling hand down his flank,
  caressing the rich fabric.
  "Not half so beautiful as you." There was much sniggering from the underclassmen boys, and many
  'awwwws' from the girls.
  Sirius paid them no mind and crossed the space between them, taking Remus in his arms for a soft kiss.
  "Let's go."
  "Where are we going? Not to the dance?" Remus took the proffered present and let Sirius draw him close,
  first inside the wool cloak, then inside the invisibility cloak.
  "Sorta." They left the tower and crossed the dark grounds, waning gibbous moon making more than enough
  light. Sirius led his lover along darkened paths, around the back of the great hall, into the kitchen
  gardens. They snuck past house elves, and down overgrown little paths, till Sirius brought them back
  round again to one of the side windows, open to the night. Music and laughter spilled from it in a
  golden glow, far above their heads.
  "Here we are!" He announced proudly, whipping the invisibility cloak off. They were standing under the
  window, amidst a small, fragrant herb garden. It wasn't nearly as cold as it should have been, and
  there were tiny, dim little lumos balls hovering around the little garden. "It's ours, just for
  tonight. For our own private Yule Ball."
  Remus looked around at the lovely little space, smiling sweetly. "This is perfect, Siri.
  Just...perfect."
  "You don't think it's too...soppy?" Sirius asked anxiously, unpacking the picnic basket.
  "No, actually. I think it's just the right amount of soppy." Remus helped him spread the blanket, and
  watched Sirius open the wine, preserving the integrity of the cork by main force of will. "I think it's
  beautiful." Remus put his arms around Sirius' shoulders and pulled him to his feet, holding him close
  with a loose, intimate familiarity that spoke of lifetimes together. Sirius sighed into his neck, and
  let Remus lead him in a slow, sweet dance. He almost missed the soft murmur that slipped from Remus'
  mouth to his ear. "But not half so beautiful as you."
  =======================================================================================================
  Late spring warmth suffused the school, bringing lethargy in its wake. Sirius rolled over on his belly,
  grimacing at the way his shirt stuck to his sweaty back. Remus shoved at him restlessly, prompting a
  sleepy grin.
  "What? Too slippery? Too sticky?"
  "Too smelly." Remus sniffed at him disdainfully.
  One of Sirius' long hands pressed melodramatically to his forehead. "But we're so young for the romance
  to be dead!"
  Remus laughed, head shaking and golden hair sticking to the back of his neck. "Oh, yuck," he moaned,
  pushing fitfully at it. He turned on his side to look at Sirius. "Let's go swimming."
  "Ooooohhhhh!" Sirius leapt from the bed, suddenly, annoyingly full of energy. "Yes, yes, yes!" He
  pulled Remus up, excitement making him bouncy. "I looooove swimming!"
  "Really?" Remus grinned fondly and dug towels out of his trunk. "I figured I'd have to haul you out to
  the lake kicking and screaming."
  "Oh, the water, the splashing, the coolness, the water...did I mention the water?" Sirius enthused,
  bounding down the stairs from the tower. He was shocked when Remus pulled him backward, turning him for
  a brief ~too brief~ kiss.
  "You mentioned the water." Remus nuzzled against his cheek for a second then pulled away, brushing
  close to Sirius as he moved into the lead. "Race you down!"
  The two boys became a blur of arms and legs as they flew down the tower steps and into the green,
  making for the lake. Remus was an endurance runner, but Sirius had those ridiculously long, coltish
  legs. In the end, they reached the lake at almost the same moment, slowing to a walk with Sirius
  slightly in the lead.
  "I...win," he panted. "You..owe...me big time."
  "Do I now?" Remus wasn't nearly as winded as Sirius, and he set off around the edge of the lake, toward
  the more wooded, secluded expanses at the far end. Not many people would swim in the lake, fearing the
  merfolk and the squid and gods knew what all else. But Remus had never been scared of them. If
  anything, he suspected it was the opposite. And Sirius...Sirius had enough blind faith in him to jump
  out of the tower if bidden to do so.
  Sirius smiled at Remus. "That's how these things work, yes."
  "So...what do I owe you?"
  "A proper kiss, to start." Long lashes lay on his tanned cheeks as he studied the ground moving under
  his feet. ~You're being too forward, prat. He'll say no for sure.~ The desire coiled in his belly, ever
  present with it dull, throbbing ache, turned hotter, more immediate. ~Can't push...you cannot push him,
  but ohh... he pushes me.~
  "I...would later be all right?" Remus hedged, not looking at him.
  ~Damn, you screwed it all up.~ "I'm sorry, love. We don't have to at all."
  Remus shook his head, looking faintly disgusted-- though whether with himself or not, Sirius couldn't
  tell-- then stepped closer. Strong arms wrapped around his slender frame, Remus standing on tiptoe to
  press their lips together lingeringly, and Sirius sighed happily when they parted. It may not have been
  what he craved, but it was wonderful in its own right.
  "Thank you."
  Remus smiled. "Well, I don't know. That was such a hardship. But since I love you and all..."
  "You're too kind. Really." Sirius laughed and began shucking off his clothes. His black and glitter-
  silver Iggy Pop t-shirt made a puddle on the ground, followed by his cutoff shorts, till he was left
  with ratty boxers. And his outsized trainers. Remus snickered as he pulled off his own t-shirt, button-
  up and corduroys. He hadn't bothered with shoes. Sirius shot him an evil glare as he toed off his own.
  "What? Comment you'd like to make?"
  "Oh, no. Not at all." Remus' mouth set in a prim little smirk as he eased his boxers over his hips and
  put them on the pile of discarded clothing.
  "Remus!" Sirius gaped at him. "I don't suppose you could remember that I, unlike some apparent paragons
  of virtue I could name, am only human."
  "I don't want to walk back to the tower in damp under shorts, thanks much." Remus made a face in
  distaste as he dipped his foot in the water and stopped to wait for Sirius, who was still staring, a
  blush spreading across his cheeks and down his neck.
  "But...you're naked." Sirius' rebellious eyes took in the sight before him. Golden-honey skin flowed in
  an unbroken line across compact muscle and god but he was beautiful. Perfect.
  "Astute. I think the heat has fried your brain, love. Are you getting in the water, or not?" Remus
  turned around to motion him into the lake and Sirius thought his heart would stop, his blood rushed
  south so fast.
  "Ah...um..." Sirius darted past Remus and into the chilly lake water, thankful as it robbed his need of
  its excruciating edge. ~I know life isn't fair, really, I do...but there are limits, dammit.~
  Thought became impossible when he felt his feet swept firmly out from under him, and his head ducked
  down under the water. He came up with an outraged splutter to find Remus laughing at him. Snarling
  playfully, he tackled his boyfriend, managing a tricky little maneuver that landed Remus in the same
  predicament. The skirmish escalated into a battle, the battle into a war, till they both felt like
  drowned rats. Still laughing and shoving weakly at each other, the boys leaned against each other in
  the shallows.
  "Bastard," Sirius managed, giggling too hard to catch his breath properly.
  "M'not!" Remus let himself go limp against Sirius, pulling him down onto the shoal on top of him, arms
  and legs wrapping round like a lamprey. Sirius shrieked and started fighting to get free, rolling them
  over and then over again, employing all his dirty tricks--tickles, knees, elbows. Finally Remus bucked
  up hard and flipped them, straddling Sirius' hips in triumph and pinning his arms above his head.
  Remus was forced to lie along Sirius' longer body to keep his arms trapped, and the taller boy twisted
  against him, trying and failing to find the leverage needed to pry him off. Sighing and still trying to
  get his breath, he finally gave up and wrapped his long legs round Remus' waist, bringing their bodies
  even closer. ~If you can't beat 'em, cuddle 'em.~ His face nuzzled into Remus' neck, and he tightened
  his legs, body responding to the feeling of his boyfriend's bare, cool flesh pressed so close to his.
  The flimsy layer of cloth seemed like nothing in that moment.
  Remus' body went rigid when Sirius' erection nudged into his hip, sliding into the curve. ~Oh, no...~
  Sirius tried to calm himself, tried to think unsexy thoughts ~Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Flitwick
  threesomes....~ But nothing helped, and Remus was so still against him and Sirius was so scared, so
  needy that he just couldn't stop. The nuzzle became a long lick as his tongue darted out to trace the
  line of Remus' neck and his hips jutted up, once, into Remus' body, a tiny little whimper escaping.
  Almost-rough fingers cupped his chin and brought his face up and into a kiss. A real kiss, tongue
  snaking out and into his mouth with a sudden, arousing possessiveness that just made him want to open
  up and take whatever Remus could give him. The whimper became a moan, earthy and sensual as Sirius
  undulated his lanky body, pinned now under the full weight of his lover, who bit at his lips and
  growled softly. ~YES, take it, YOURS.~ That vicious-sweet little noise went straight to his back brain,
  curled around the dark, primal parts of his soul, the part that made him belong to Remus.
  Blind, hungry instinct made him very deliberately look up, past Remus, to the clouds up above, baring
  his neck and arching his unprotected belly against his mate. ~Please, oh please.~ His cock jerked
  violently when sharp teeth buried in the tender flesh of his neck, not quite breaking the skin, safe,
  but not. Sane, but not. Hot and desperate and perfect and just what he'd been wanting for so long. More
  rumbling growls and ~oh, he's not running, not this time~ one lean, hard-muscled thigh shoved in
  between his legs, rubbing liquidly against his leaking erection, hot enough to burn through the thin,
  wet cotton. The thin, wet cotton with the worn-out elastic waistband that persisted in riding down his
  hips, exposing more and more of his body to this sweet, desperate sensation.
  "You...oh. Oh, Remus." The other boy was working his aching cock against Sirius' leg in turn, pleasure
  spiraling between them in frantic, heady swirl of energy. Remus' teeth found purchase over and over, in
  his neck, his shoulder, deep into his pectoral muscles, and every time Sirius felt the tearing ecstasy
  of the bite he fell closer and closer to the edge. His nails dug hard into Remus' hips, pulling him
  down in counterpoint to the savage upward thrust of his cock, and ~hungry so fucking hungry for him~ he
  pried his hands loose, nails dragging messy welts up the broad back until they wound into the glossy
  golden-wet-brown hair, gripping and yanking their mouths together. Mewling whimpers and sighing snarls
  slipped from his tongue into his lover's mouth as he writhed violently, helplessly beneath him.
  Remus' cock, thick and slick and hot found its way into the leg of his boxers, tearing a path inward
  till it rubbed against his own, skin to skin, and how had he ever thought he couldn't feel the cloth?
  Sirius clung to Remus, face buried in his shoulder, teeth grazing the vulnerable skin as he felt
  himself starting to slip, questions of control and consideration and boundaries fading to
  insignificance beside the feeling of rightness that lay between them.
  "We...we shouldn't," Remus gasped, hips thrusting down convulsively even as he spoke.
  The words were like a window to sanity, and Sirius managed to pant out a reply. "It's...it's okay.
  If...if you c...can't. But I love you so much, want you so much." His willpower was failing as he
  forced out the words, body unable to still, mind incapable of any more rational thought. Remus'
  surrender was palpable, his protests dissolving in soft cries as he brought Sirius' writhing body
  closer still. The long lines of his body stiffened, then exploded in a frenzy as his climax scoured
  him, spilling across their bellies, against Remus' cock, vision graying around the edges. His eyes were
  open, fixed on Remus' face as he came less than a heartbeat later, a low, primal, almost surprised
  noise sounding deep in his chest.
  Sirius was hyperaware of the slick seed painting their bellies, their harsh panting, Remus' face hidden
  now in his neck as a deep shudder rolled through his strong body. He forced his hands to relax and
  stroke up and down his boyfriend's back, lifting his head awkwardly to kiss Remus' forehead before
  gently ~so so gentle with him~ raising his face to press their lips together. "I made you cry," Remus'
  voice caught as he looked down at Sirius.
  "Oh, no, love. I'm just...that was so..." He laughed self-consciously at his fumbling words. "It was
  just so wonderful, that's all. You're so beautiful when you come. And I love you so much."
  Remus blushed hotly and ducked his head down again, obviously embarrassed. "Oh...well. I...I love you
  too." He sat back on his heels, then stood quickly as Sirius propped himself up on his elbows and
  looked at him adoringly. "We should clean up. Yes...this is too public. We need to talk."
  "All right." Sirius looked down at his lap as Remus dove neatly into the water, reluctant to move and
  wash off the evidence because that would mean it was over. This moment would be in the past, and it
  would be time to deal with 'consequences' and 'ramifications' and all the 'shouldn't haves' and 'you're
  not readys'.
  Besides, he didn't feel dirty at all.
  Eventually, Remus started casting him impatient looks and he climbed heavily to his feet, stretching
  and peeling off his boxers as he splashed half-heartedly in the shallows. His boyfriend walked right
  past him and started to use his white t-shirt to dry himself, slipping back into his clothes as quickly
  as he could, buttoning the denim shirt with fingers more clumsy than usual. Sirius smiled reassuringly
  at him ~Nothing to worry about, oh no. Not a thing~ as he followed suit, pulling his damp shirt back on
  when he was done and squeezing water out of his long black hair, braiding it messily.
  =======================================================================================================
  Sirius was looking at him with the moon in his eyes.
  ~You knew perfectly well what you were doing.~ Remus glanced at his boyfriend as they trudged up the
  stairs together. Sirius had that sweet, open, adoring expression on his face: the expression that said
  so much with so few wasted words. Seeing Sirius look at him like that made Remus wish that he could
  give Sirius the same expression, like a gift ~I do love you, I do~ but he was afraid. Afraid of so many
  things.
  And he shouldn't have let himself lose control.
  ~You knew that you were letting it go too far, but you didn't stop, did you? You didn't want to stop.~
  He blew a longish strand of hair out of his eyes with a deep, gusting breath. ~You know you can't
  control Him. You know you can't control the Dark Man. What if you had hurt Sirius?~
  A soft hand slipped into his, fingers curling tight and trusting around his own, and for a moment,
  Remus wanted to push Sirius away. He wanted to wipe his hand against his robe and scrape away the feel
  of fingers interlocking in some secret, beautiful connection. He wanted to shove Sirius down and run
  away, tail between his legs. Sirius deserved a better life than the one he could offer.
  But Remus couldn't be that self-sacrificing. He didn't have the heart.
  ~If I were a true hero, if I were a true Gryffindor, then I'd be able to keep you from me.~ He turned
  to look at Sirius, and his heart nearly broke through the feeble wall of his chest at the smile Sirius
  cast him as their hands clasped together. ~If I were truly, truly good, then I'd never risk the Dark
  Man hurting you through me.~
  "Peter and James should still be out with Taelyn and Aharon," Sirius said, squeezing his hand with an
  almost-sly smile. "So we'll have the room to ourselves."
  Remus nodded. "Good," he said, moving up to the painting of the Fat Lady. She squinted down at him and
  he smiled tentatively as he gave the password, still slightly cowed by her even, steely gaze. "I-- we.
  We should..."
  "Should talk?" A hand on gripped his shoulder, pausing him before the portrait hole, and Remus turned
  back towards Sirius with a thankful, loving smile.
  "Yes," he said, moving close so that their breaths mingled. Sirius tilted his chin and touched their
  foreheads together, messy braid falling over his bony shoulder. "I have something I think I should tell
  you."
  Sirius' breath was warm on his cheek. "There is nothing you can tell me Remus, nothing at all, that can
  scare me."
  His eyes stung. Sirius was so... so... young sometimes. So sweet and simple and pure. "Sirius..."
  "Nothing that can make me stop loving you."
  He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, sensing Sirius' sigh as it was expelled and pulled past
  his lips. One of Sirius' large, outsized hands moved down to rest on his hip while the other tugged at
  his hair, soothing him with soft, familiar, achingly sweet gestures. Pads of his fingers massaged into
  Remus' scalp. Body warm against his. The stillness of one breath sinking into another, then another as
  ~yes yes love~ the two boys clung together, melding one into the other, the weight of cotton and skin
  fragile barriers.
  Remus breathed in the scent of his boyfriend ~such a ineffectual word. Lover? Mate? Some day. Some day
  when we're ready~ and smiled against Sirius' skin, nuzzling his cheek as he turned his face against
  him, moving instinctively to the vulnerable arch of his neck. "We really do need to talk," he said, but
  he didn't want to move. Somehow, somewhere in the back of his mind, tickling his skull like tiny spider
  steps was the fear. The fear that once that made it through the common room and up the winding steps
  into their bedroom and the privacy of curtains and silence spells that something, something dark and
  unknown and terrible would come and cleave them into two separate, frightened pieces. "I need to..."
  "To tell me something. All right."
  It was Sirius who moved away first. The blue eyes gleamed at him as he reached out to take his hand
  again, tugging him through the portal and into the common room. The picture shut tight behind them and
  the candles flickered to life as they passed by, stepping past piles of forgotten scrolls and books and
  diagrams with endless Quidditch strategies scrolled across them in gold and green ink.
  Remus let Sirius lead him up to their tower room and pull him into his bed. The curtains remained open,
  just a little, wide enough to cast a bar of light across the coverlet.
  "You're shivering." Large hands moved across his shoulders and down his arms, drawing his body close.
  Remus lifted his hips and snuggled back, pushing until Sirius' thighs opened and made room for him,
  resting trustingly against his legs as Remus leaned back against Sirius' chest, allowing his lover to
  surround him. Sirius' arms crossed over his belly, hands folded together. "Are you cold?"
  "No," Remus said. He turned his face so that it was pressed into Sirius' neck.
  They were silent for a long while, just existing in the comfortable sphere of two people who didn't
  have to talk to know what the other was feeling. Sunlight shifted over their toes, glistening dust
  motes floating gently on the light breeze from the open window.
  Finally, breaking the silence, Remus said "He touched me."
  He was aware of Sirius' little shuddering breath, aware of the way that the long arms drew him tighter
  against him as Sirius nodded against him. He knew: it had been hinted at in a letter what felt like so
  long ago, but what really was just shy of a year, and smart Sirius, clever Sirius with his brilliant
  golden brain had managed to string together the not-saids and the almost-hints to come to the story
  Remus was telling now.
  But he didn't know it all.
  "Uncle Matthew was my mum's brother. He used to be an Auror-- I look like him. That's what mum says. I
  look just like a miniature him." The picture of Matthew, smiling, with his arm looped around his
  sister's neck. So strangely at ease. "He was sent out to deal with a nest of vampires and got caught in
  a clan war. They fought over who got him, but the werewolves won." Matthew never told the details to
  anyone, not even the doctors that attended him when he stumbled to them, torn and covered in crusted,
  old blood, only a portion of which was his own.
  "They bit him?" Sirius' voice was small, breathing against the shell of his ear.
  "Mmmhmmm. Between the neck and shoulder. It's the favorite place of vampires and werewolves." He was
  glad he couldn't see Sirius' expression when he said it. ~I wonder if he's remembering my teeth on his
  neck? I wonder if it makes him afraid of me? It should make him afraid; when my teeth move against his
  skin, it means that I've lost control. It means that it's just a simple snap and Sirius is just like
  me. That's why we can't ever be together like we almost were today. Not because he's too young.~ The
  thought was almost humorous. For all his sweetness and sometimes naivet, Sirius was fifteen and he was
  ready for the physical. He was more than ready: Remus could smell it on him every night, and feel it
  pressed against him every morning.
  But if he lost control, just once... If he was consumed by the dark, disturbing, all-consuming need
  that washed through him, dirty and tainted by the Dark Man's breath...
  ~Sirius thinks I'm so strong. So noble, but I'm not. I'm not strong at all. I'm helpless to it.~
  "We all thought, when he finally came home to us, that he would be ok. He seemed so... together. So in
  control." Matthew had been pale but strong, eyes burning in his face but smile fixed as if he were
  determined to break it, to beat it. "Mum wanted him to stay with us, at our town house in Canterbury,
  because they were so close when they were young."
  "Is that when he..." Sirius' voice trailed off, as if he couldn't bear to say it.
  Remus shook his head, sighing and snuggling back against his boyfriend's warmth. "No. It was all... It
  started out good. Uncle Matthew stayed at home all the time, never going out, and he'd tell me stories
  about what it was like being an Auror. He'd go into the yard with me and help me cut willow swatches
  and wave them at Mrs. Carne's old cat as if they were wands and she was some evil monster.
  It was a happy time. He was happy, I think. I know I was."
  "And then?" Soft hands moved against his belly, stroking soothingly.
  "It was near the full moon when it happened. I suppose mum and dad should have known better, should
  have locked him in his cage."
  "You never need to be locked in your cage until the night of the full moon." Sirius' voice was feral
  and unforgiving.
  "Oh, but it's so hard, Sirius. It's so hard. I have to fight to control myself for days as the moon
  begins to grow full. I can feel it, tugging at my blood, making my heart pound. I..." He faltered, a
  hot splash of tears stinging his eyes. "I feel so many things. Hatred, anger, hunger, passion, lust for
  violence and blood and I have to fight it every step of the way until I think I'm going to die from the
  tiredness.
  And then I have to fight it some more."
  Sirius' arms were possessive around him, his breath warm against the nape of Remus' neck as he burrowed
  down, so so sweetly refusing to believe that Remus could be evil. "But you control it. You're still a
  boy, and you control it. Matthew" there was venom in his voice "was a great big grown man, and he...
  He..."
  "Molested me?"
  Remus' heart ached at the low whimper the escaped past Sirius' tightly pressed lips. "Bit me? Turned
  me? Made me like him?" He traced the white knuckles, soothing, drawing in a deep breath as his heart
  restricted within his chest, almost choking him. "Sirius? Is that what you meant?"
  A slow nod and a low noise, barely audible, were the only answers Remus got.
  "I don't want to tell you the details. I don't think I remember them all to tell." He paused, the
  licked his lips. "No, I'm lying. I remember them perfectly. Every moment of it. It. It was horrible. I
  was so so scared."
  "Remus."
  "His hands on me, rough and frighteningly strong. His breath gusting across my face. His eyes." He
  sighed and dropped his head back onto Sirius' shoulder, body going limp and his lover's long arms drew
  him closer. "I'll never forget his eyes. And then there was pain. Incredible pain, ripping through me,
  tearing me apart.
  "And then. Then it just didn't hurt anymore. It was as if the pain were washed away by the low silver
  shivers that trembled up my spine." Remus opened his hands, spreading them before him. "He breathed
  against me. Something scalding hot spread between us, and suddenly, suddenly I knew what it was."
  "You knew?"
  "Mmmhmm. I went from ignorance to knowledge between breaths as he came across my belly and thighs. I
  realized more than I could possibly know when he pinched my nipple between his large, rough fingers.
  And I've known ever since."
  "Sweetheart." Sirius turned his face to look at him, and Remus let himself be enfolded, hands curling
  into the other boy's luxurious black hair. Sirius rocked him, cradling him like a child he hadn't been
  for so very long, murmuring over and over, like a benediction: "Sweetheart. Oh, oh, sweetheart."
  Remus pressed his lips against Sirius' neck. "Shhh, Sirius. There's more."
  "God."
  "Uncle Matthew was incarcerated in St. Mungos after the attack. We never talked about it-- my parents
  and I. It was as if my lycanthropy was a taboo, and they'd look at me with these large, fearful eyes
  every time I tried to touch them.
  "I stopped trying after a while. It didn't really matter.
  "I had counseling for a while after. Experts from all over the place: the finest money could buy. I
  think my parents were hoping that as long as somebody was giving me the attention that I needed, I
  wouldn't feel the lack from them."
  "What did they say? The doctors?"
  Remus laughed. "Nothing life-altering. They tried to talk me through the new almost uncontrollable
  rage. They tried to help me deal with all the new things that I had learned... When a werewolf bites
  someone, everything he is is transferred to his victim. I remembered Uncle Matthews life as if I had
  lived it, as if I had fought and studied and loved and fucked. I knew so much, and couldn't find a way
  to control it all." Remus paused, then looked up with a half-smile. "That's why I'm so good at DADA.
  Uncle Matthew was an Auror, see..."
  "And he passed all that on to you," Sirius finished. Comprehension was dawning. Remus could almost see
  the gears working within Sirius' brain, churning at what he had heard combined with bits he had gleaned
  in the years that they had been together.
  "Yes. It was hard for a long time. It still is sometimes. But gradually, the memories faded away so
  that I no longer felt as if someone else were living inside of my head. And then...
  "Then he showed up."
  "He?"
  Remus shrugged and moved away from Sirius to sit perched on the edge of the bed. "I don't know his
  name: he's never told me. But I call him the Dark Man."
  Sirius slowly scooted forward, brows drawn together. "The... Dark...?"
  "Yeah. Stupid, I know, but I was just a kid, and... and he was. Dark. It was as if he was the result of
  all of the evil in the world, all of the hate and violence and disgusting desire and.. and.. and
  everything! All in one person."
  Remus stood. "He looks like Uncle Matthew, but he appears to me. Always at night; usually when the moon
  is reaching full. He takes hold of me when I change into a wolf. In those moments, right before... I'm
  not human. I'm not animal. I'm the Dark Man."
  Sirius was staring silently, mouth opened, head cocked to the side in thought.
  Remus continued. "I think it has something to do with my lycanthropy. Perhaps it's a part of the
  curse... I don't know. I've searched and searched and searched and no where can I find any mention of
  this happening to other lycanthropes. It's as if it's something that's not talked about. Taboo."
  "Remus..."
  Remus turned towards him again, lightly kissing the curve of his collar-bone. "Regardless, he's here
  for me. And he frightens me." Delicate hands smoothed over Sirius' chest. He loved the way he felt
  beneath his fingertips. "Ever since I was so so young, sex and the Dark Man have gone, you know, hand
  in hand. They're linked somehow. I-I think it's because the Dark Man senses the evil inside of me. The
  beast. He senses it and knows that I can do terrible things."
  "Oh, Remus, I don't think..."
  "Wait. Let me finish. For years, I thought that this-- this thing the Dark Man did with me, the
  feelings he made me feel when the full moon came near-- for years I thought that that was all there
  was. That that would be my life. But then... then I met you. On the train to Hogwarts. And... And for
  once, for the first time, I thought that maybe maybe it would all be ok. That I would be able to be
  normal again.
  "And I had all these conflicting desires." He shook his head, pressing his face into Sirius' neck. "So
  many things that I wanted. I thought it was all going to tear me apart. Because it was as if everything
  that had been loose inside of me, everything that had been searching and needing and clawing up through
  my chest had now found something to focus on. As if everything could be funneled down into you.
  "But oh. I can't let it."
  "Why not, Remus?" Sirius kissed his forehead, then the bridge of his nose, arms going tight around him.
  "Why not?"
  "Because... because it's so frightening. Sometimes it's all I can do not to reach out and take it.
  Sometimes it's all I can do not to push you down and kiss you and bite you and claim you and make you
  *mine*." A deep, shaking breath. "And then I'll have a dream and he'll be there, and I'll be so lost
  again..."
  "You don't have to be." Sirius' hands were on him, stroking his arms, playing across his thighs, and
  oh, ~oh~ Sirius was hard. "You don't have to be confused. You know exactly what you want."
  "But, Sirius..."
  "You know what you want." He turned his face up and kissed him, mouth falling open and tongue pushing
  inside Remus' mouth, the aggressor. "And I want it too. So much. I want to be yours."
  "But it's wrong to claim people like that."
  "Not when it's you." A deep, searing kiss. "Not when it's us. It's so so right when it's you and me."
  Hands moving down his back as he pulled him into his lap. "I was meant to be yours."
  Remus was at a loss. Sirius was always oh so convincing... his words surrounded him, pleading with him,
  making him want to lay them back and give in.
  But there was one last nagging doubt.
  "But... but Sirius." Sirius' tongue traced the delicate shell of his ear. "How do I know how much is me
  and how much is him? How do I know how much is my desire and how much is the Dark Man making me feel
  things?"
  Sirius looked at him sadly, blue eyes serious. "You know as well as I that's too naive a question for
  you to ask." He leaned for another kiss, but Remus pulled away, brows drawing together.
  "What do you mean?"
  He sighed. "We both know it," he said, tucking a strand of golden hair behind Remus' ear. "I've been
  piecing it together for oh so long, and you... you've always known it." He leaned close and pressed
  their foreheads together. "Don't make me say it, love. I don't want to hurt you by saying it."
  Remus pulled away again, standing slowly, body tense and wary. "No," he said slowly, eyes narrowing.
  Sirius looked so solemn and earnest, as if he knew something, as if he could look deep inside Remus and
  see things, know things, that Remus himself didn't know.
  And for once, the thought that Sirius knew him so very very well was disquieting.
  "No," Remus said. "I want you to say it."
  He paused, waiting for clever Sirius, intuitive Sirius to say the words.
  He thought he knew what Sirius was going to say.
  "Remus-love, the Dark Man is you."
  Shock. Icy fingers of disbelief.
  Betrayal.
  Sirius continued. "It's the way your little child's mind manifested your lycanthropy."
  Something dark and deep welling up from inside of him. He shook, body shivering, nearly coming apart at
  the seams as ~nonono can't be~ Sirius kept going, explaining things, using his oh so clever mind and oh
  so agile tongue to diagnose him. To brand him.
  ~No he's wrong he's wrong.~
  "It's not true," Remus whispered, and his voice sounded as broken as he felt. Weak and shivering and
  teetering over some brink he couldn't define. "It's not..."
  Sirius' head came up, perhaps sensing too late what he had done. "Oh," he said, standing and reaching
  out a hand for his lover. "Oh, love...I'm sorry. I thought you'd seen that."
  "No," Remus hissed, eyes narrowing. He batted away Sirius' hand, crouching down on the fire that filled
  his chest. ~can'tbecan'tbecan'tfuckingbe~ "It's not true" he said, shaking away the thought. He was the
  Dark Man... NONONO, it couldn't.... "IT'S NOT TRUE!"
  "Remus!"
  ~stay away from me!~
  "You scratch and bite yourself. You do this to yourself, Remus."
  But Remus shook him away, snarling and falling back, teeth baring. "IT'S NOT TRUE IT'S NOT TRUE IT'S
  NOT TRUE!" He struck out when Sirius tried again to reach for him, nails cutting a crimson path across
  the silky-pale cheeks and oh he hated, oh he burned, maddened by the shimmer of tears in the other boys
  eyes. "TAKE IT BACK!" he spat. "Fucking take it BACK!"
  "I can't take it back, Remus, my love. I won't lie to you."
  "Don't call me that!" His body would fly apart any moment, he knew. It would shatter open on the
  burning tsunami raging within him. "You're LYING!"
  Feet pounded on the stairs leading up to the tower. Sirius stared at him with tear-filled blue eyes.
  "I thought you knew," he whispered.
  "NO." He whirled away, reaching out blindly, fist forming and slamming through the window closest to
  their bed. Sirius cried out in surprise and fear, fear for Remus, but the pain felt so-so good. He
  snarled as glass shattered around him, sparkling in the sunlight as it skittered across the floor.
  The door opened, but no one dared to step inside.
  "Remus. God, Remus..." Sirius stepped towards him and Remus whirled around, face contorted in fear and
  rage. "Shhh, sweetheart," Sirius began, opening his arms to pull Remus to him. "Come here..."
  ~NONONO~ "NO!" Remus screamed, face bunching up on the wild, uncontrollable sobs that ripped through
  his body. ~I can't be the Dark Man. I can't be that evil. NO~ "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!" He shoved out hard
  and Sirius cried out, unable to stand against Remus' superior strength.
  His arms pin wheeled as he fell back and slammed hard onto the floor, drawing a frightened gasp from
  their growing audience and a hissed "James, don't!" from Peter when Potter tried to muscle his way into
  the fight. "Remus'll kill you."
  Sirius sat up, hair wild around him, hands cut where bits of glass dug into his palms. "He's horrible,
  Remus. The lycanthropy is horrible." His voice was losing its calm edge, was breaking. Tears rolled
  down his cheeks.
  Remus barely noticed. "Don't you mean I'M horrible," he hissed, roughly wiping at his own tears. Blood
  smeared across his face, filled his senses, blinded him. "Isn't that what you're saying?" He shook his
  head wildly, golden hair making a halo about his face. "He's horrible, I'm horrible, what's the
  difference, right?"
  "No, Remus! You`re not."
  "Get it right, Black. Get it the fuck *right*. He rapes little children. He hurts everything. He makes
  everything wrong and bad and dark and hard. He makes it impossible." He was out of control, barely
  registering the words the he spat out like blows. "He's* horrible, I'm horrible because we're THE SAME
  FUCKING PERSON!"
  "No please Remus!"
  "That's what you SAID!"
  Sirius stood shakily, sobbing. "You were a baby when you were bit! How else were you going to COPE? You
  had to make the Dark Man to deal with the things you felt! You HAD to do it. It was the only way you
  could stay sane!"
  Remus could no longer hear him.
  "nonononononononoNoNONONONONONONONNOO" he sobbed, sinking down to the ground. Blood mixed with his
  tears, trailing down his cheeks. "I don't believe you. You're making this up. You're working with him
  and you're making this up." He shuddered, body convulsing at the hiccoughing sobs the struggled from
  deep within him.
  Drained, empty, Sirius finally caved. "No, I'm not working with him," he said, stepping forward, then
  backing away again when Remus cringed. "I was just wrong, Remus. I'm so sorry. I was wrong."
  There was a commotion at the door, but neither boy could look beyond his own pain to notice. Remus was
  rocking, lost, eyes half-closed and nearly mad.
  "Shhh...come here. I never said it. It never happened," Sirius pleaded, reaching out as if to touch his
  lover, then pausing as if too afraid. "Please. Please. Please Remus, please, I didn't mean it! Please,
  Remus. Remus look at me. Remus come back. Remus! Remus, Remus, Remus please, you're scaring me. Remus!"
  Strong arms wrapped around him from behind, and Remus lashed out, teeth baring, howl rising in his
  throat as Albus Dumbledore gripped his wrists within his large hands and forced his claws away from his
  face.
  "See to Sirius, James," he said, voice strained as he lifted the writhing, snarling boy into his arms.
  "Come on, Mister Lupin. Remus... Remus be still."
  The words lashed at him, blinding him with the force of magic, and Remus drew in one last, gulping
  breath before he went limp, eyes catching a silent, pitiful tableau before all went black:
  Sirius crouched on the floor, face bloody and wild. Body shaking with sobs. Eyes so lost as James
  curled around him, hands stroking his hair, murmuring formless words to him.
  Soothing away the pain.
  =======================================================================================================
  ~Nononono...what did I do? What did I do? GodohGod I hurt him. Hurt him so bad so bad. How could I?~
  The recriminations, the self-hate clawed its way round and round Sirius' mind as he lay on the floor,
  shaking with sobs, their edges sharper than the glass in his palms, ripping deep, bleeding gouges out
  of the tender flesh of his heart. Lying in broken shards of window, the claw marks on his face--they
  didn't hurt half so much as the knowledge of what he'd done.
  James tried to comfort him, tried to reach out and wrap his smaller body around Sirius' lanky frame,
  but Sirius wouldn't move from the glass, could not move, could only curl up into an ever-smaller,
  broken-doll, fetal ball and rock himself back and forth. Peter, surprisingly fierce, snarled the rest
  of the Gryffindors away from their room, including the Prefects, then came over and helped James lift
  Sirius bodily from the wreckage.
  The two smaller boys hauled him, protesting weakly, to his bed. ~OUR bed, he's not here not here not
  here.~ James stroked back his hair, kissed his forehead. Sirius was so far gone he scarcely noticed.
  His fingers were clenched in tight, white-knuckled fists, blood trickling from the slivers embedded in
  his palms.
  "Sirius, Siri-love, listen to me," James voice was sweet and soothing, just like Sirius remembered it
  when his Mum died. James did this for him then, too. "It wasn't your fault."
  "It was. I hurt him." The wail was low and pitiful. "He TRUSTED me and I let him down."
  "No! No, Siri, you told him the truth." Peter's voice was amazingly strong, solid and mature. "You owed
  him the truth, and he owes it to you to listen."
  "I told him he was his own worst nightmare." Sirius' voice was dead, small. The blood was making a mess
  of the pillow and painting swaths across his belly as he forced his own hands to relax, scrubbing them
  viciously across his chest. Messy lines of crimson marred the smooth, white flesh as he tore into
  himself, punishing himself for his thoughtlessness, his cruelty. "He's been through enough without me
  doing this to him."
  Neither James nor Peter could think of an answer to that, so James, predictably, fell back on
  pragmatism. "Come on, Siri, let's get you to the infirmary." They tried to get him up, get him moving,
  anything to offer the slightest distraction to the visions unfolding before Sirius' open, unseeing
  eyes. Sirius wouldn't move, snarled away Peter and begged James not to touch him.
  Finally, they could do nothing for him, save leave him be. They pulled the curtains back, so that the
  rising moon could illuminate the bed, so that they could watch him. There was death all around him, in
  the shadows, waiting for him to reach out to it with a razor blade or a belt. ~Not gonna leave. Not a
  coward. Not a coward. Not when he's so brave. Stay for him, stay for him.~
  Blue eyes stared out the window and catalogued the moon's travail over the fields and forests, over the
  tower itself, its beauty lost and cold and hardly-remembered in the maelstrom of his grief, his need,
  his pain. ~Just be all right. Oh, Mum...make him all right.~
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