Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/1422106. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: No_Archive_Warnings_Apply, Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage, Major_Character_Death Category: Gen, F/M, M/M, Other, F/F, Multi Fandom: Psych, Oglaf, Disney_Princesses, How_I_Met_Your_Mother, Dirty_Dancing_ (1987), Rent_-_Larson, Princess_and_the_Frog_(2009), That_'70s_Show, Pacific_Rim_(2013), Burn_Notice, Brooklyn_Nine-Nine_(TV), Little_Shop_of Horrors_(1986), Frasier_(TV), The_Nanny, Greek_and_Roman_Mythology, World Wrestling_Entertainment, Professional_Wrestling, Fairy_Tales_&_Related Fandoms, Rotkäppchen_|_Little_Red_Riding_Hood_(Fairy_Tale), Parks_and Recreation, Tangled_(2010), Xena:_Warrior_Princess, Beauty_and_the_Beast_ (1991), Gone_With_the_Wind, Gone_With_the_Wind_-_Margaret_Mitchell, Star Wars_-_All_Media_Types, Star_Wars_Original_Trilogy, Star_Wars_Episode_VI: Return_of_the_Jedi, Black_Swan_(2010), American_Dad!, Scooby_Doo_-_All Media_Types, Scooby-Doo!_(Live-action_Movies), Bridesmaids_(2011), Jack and_Diane_(Song), Boy_Meets_World, Friends, The_Venture_Bros, Archer_ (Cartoon), Evil_Dead_(Movies), Evil_Dead_-_All_Media_Types, Army_of Darkness_(1992), Death_Becomes_Her_(1992), The_Bold_and_the_Beautiful, Dogfight_(1991), Moonlighting_(TV), Gavin_&_Stacey, Brave_(2012), The Little_Mermaid_(1989), Evil_Dead_(2013), Bonnie_and_Clyde_(2013), The_A- Team_(2010), Les_Misérables_-_All_Media_Types, Les_Misérables_- Schönberg/Boublil, Dani_California_-_Red_Hot_Chili_Peppers_(Song), Wreck- It_Ralph_(2012) Relationship: Burton_Guster/Shawn_Spencer, Burton_Guster/Juliet_O'Hara/Shawn_Spencer, Greir_the_Lesbian_Mercenary/Snow_Queen_(Oglaf), Ariel/Jasmine_(Disney), Robin_Scherbatsky/Barney_Stinson, Johnny_Castle/Frances_Houseman, Thomas B._Collins/Angel_Dumott_Schunard, Charlotte_La_Bouff/Prince_Naveen/Tiana, Jackie_Burkhart/Steven_Hyde, Raleigh_Becket/Mako_Mori, Sam_Axe/Fiona Glenanne/Michael_Westen, Jake_Peralta/Amy_Santiago, Rosa_Diaz/Amy Santiago, Audrey_Fulquard/Seymour_Krelborn, Niles_Crane/Daphne_Moon, C.C. Babcock/Niles, Hades/Persephone, AJ_Lee/John_Cena/Kane/CM_Punk, Bret Hart/Shawn_Michaels, Big_Bad_Wolf/Little_Red_Riding_Hood, Leslie_Knope/ Ben_Wyatt, Eugene_Fitzherbert_|_Flynn_Rider/Rapunzel, Gabrielle/Xena, Fiona_Glenanne/Michael_Westen, Belle/Gaston_(Beauty_and_the_Beast_1991), Rhett_Butler/Scarlett_O'Hara, Leia_Organa/Han_Solo, Lita/AJ_Lee, Lita/ Trish_Stratus, Jasmine/Mulan, Lily_(Black_Swan)/Nina_Sayers, Stan_Smith/ Roger, Velma_Dinkley/Fred_Jones, Becca/Rita_(Bridesmaids), Jack/Diane_ (Jack_and_Diane), Rosa_Diaz/Jake_Peralta, Leslie_Knope/Ann_Perkins, Shawn Hunter/Cory_Matthews/Topanga_Lawrence, Chandler_Bing/Joey_Tribbiani, Dr. Girlfriend/The_Monarch, Ray_Gillette/Sterling_Archer, Ash_Williams/Belle, Ted_Mosby/Robin_Scherbatsky/Barney_Stinson, Ted_Mosby/Robin_Scherbatsky/ Tracy_Mosby, Donna_Meagle/Tom_Haverford, Zoe_Benson/Kyle_Spencer, Pam Poovey/Sterling_Archer/Lana_Kane, Fiona_Goode/Marie_LaVeau, Fiona_Goode/ Myrtle_Snow, Madeline_Ashton/Helen_Sharp, Byron_Orpheus/Rusty_Venture, Andy_Dwyer/April_Ludgate, Madison_Montgomery/Misty_Day, Lana_Kane/Pam Poovey, Sterling_Archer/Lana_Kane, Steffy_Forrester/Hope_Logan, Shawn Hunter/Angela_Moore, Eddie_Birdlace/Rose_Fenny, David_Addison/Maddie Hayes, Stacey/Nessa, AJ_Lee/Stephanie_McMahon, AJ_Lee/John_Cena/CM_Punk, John_Cena/CM_Punk, Natalya/Stephanie_McMahon, Shawn_Michaels/Triple_H, Stephanie_McMahon/Triple_H/Shawn_Michaels, Merida_(Brave)/Rapunzel_ (Tangled), Dr._Girlfriend/Henchman_21/The_Monarch, Ariel/Rapunzel, Charlotte_La_Bouff/Tiana, David_(Evil_Dead)/Mia_(Evil_Dead), David_(Evil Dead)/Mia_(Evil_Dead)/Eric_(Evil_Dead), Billy_Flynn/Mary_Sunshine, Clyde Barrow/Bonnie_Parker, Athena/Ares, John_"Hannibal"_Smith/Madeline_Westen, Fiona_Goode/Madison_Montgomery, Zoe_Benson/Madison_Montgomery/Kyle Spencer, Zoe_Benson/Madison_Montgomery, Dani_California/Narrator_(Dani California), Belle/Beast/Rapunzel_(Disney), Ted_Mosby/Robin_Scherbatsky, Jean_Valjean/Eponine_Thenardier, Tamora_Calhoun/Fix-It_Felix_Jr., Sheila/ Ash_Williams, Ash_Williams/Mia Additional Tags: Food_Sex, Food_Kink, Humor, Friends_to_Lovers, Polyamory, Temperature Play, Swimming, Water_Sex, Ocean_Sex, Hangover, Dancing, post-sex, Threesome_-_F/F/M, Car_Sex, Drift_Bond, Banter, Sarcasm, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Double_Drabble, Triple_Drabble, One-Sided_Attraction, First Kiss, Pregnancy, Domestic_Bliss, Voice_Kink, Public_Sex, Foursome_-_F/M/ M/M, Fight_Sex, Humiliation, Wolf_Sex, Quadruple_Drabble, Costumes, Married_Sex, Sunbathing, Public_Nudity, Healing_Sex, Disappointment, Domestication, Bondage, Light_BDSM, Light_Bondage, Violent_Sex, Rough Sex, Dialogue-Only, Dialogue_Heavy, Hero_Worship, Squirting, (or_not), Sybians, Sex_Toys, Kissing, Mistaken_Identity, Drunk_Sex, Gross, Alien Biology, Alien_Sex, Wall_Sex, Longing, Promises, Anal_Play, Bittersweet, Spin_the_Bottle, Nostalgia, Going_Home, Past_Relationship(s), Backstory, POV_Alternating, Sleepovers, Mutual_Masturbation, Porn_Watching, Married Couple, Romance, Crack, Grief/Mourning, Grief_Sex, Rain, Family, Angst, Group_dynamics, Fluff, Women_Being_Awesome, Tweeting, Dead_People, Zombie sex, Fisting, Anal_Fisting, Object_Insertion, Pregnant_Sex, Missing Scene, Enemies_to_Lovers, Body_Horror, Sex_Pollen, Webcam/Video_Chat_Sex, Handcuffs, Blue_Balls, Hate_Sex, Mildly_Dubious_Consent, Swingers, Orgy, Window_Sex, Incest, Commitment, Battle_Scars, Gunshot_Wounds, Fourth Wall, Running_Away, Strap-Ons, Topping_from_the_Bottom, Gym_Sex, Boss/ Employee_Relationship, Infidelity, Long-Distance_Relationship, Threesome -_F/M/M, Escape, Hiding_in_Plain_Sight, Ocean, Communication, Growing_Up, Friendship, Romantic_Friendship, Memories, Memory_Related, Psychological Trauma, Desperation, Jealousy, Sex_for_Favors, Body_Worship, War, Childhood, Teenagers, Pre-Canon, Poisoning, Attempted_Murder, Abuse, Rape Aftermath, Crossdressing, Legends, Seduction, Christmas, Older_Man/ Younger_Woman, Developing_Relationship, Fire, Arguing Collections: Porn_Battle_XV_(The_Ides_of_Porn) Stats: Published: 2014-04-06 Completed: 2014-04-14 Chapters: 87/87 Words: 16473 ****** Drabbles Written for Porn Battle XV ****** by Missy Summary A series of fics written for Porn Battle XV, ranging from true drabbles to quadruple drabbles. Anything longer will be posted individually to the collection - see the notes at the beginning of the piece to locate fics by title, fandom, prompts and specific kinks. Notes fics are, in order of posting: 1: Sticky Situation, Psych, Shawn Spencer/Burton Guster, sweet tooth, mornings, trouble (food fetish) 2: Chilling, Psych, Shawn Spencer/Burton Guster/Juliet O'Hara, blankets, cuddles (poly) 3: Enthusiasm Appreciated, Oglaf, Grier/The Snow Queen, blush, pink 4: Jump In, Disney Princesses, Jasmine/Ariel, skinnydipping, shells 5: The One Good Thing That Happened After 2 Am, How I Met Your Mother, Barney/Robin, hangover, 2 am (Drunken Sex) 6: One Two Three, Dirty Dancing, Frances "Baby" Houseman/Johnny Castle, hands, frame, hold (Underage) 7: Slow Dance, RENT, Angel Dumott Schunard/Tom Collins, loved, makeup 8: Wait Your Turn, The Princess and the Frog, Charlotte/Naveen/Tiana, share, laugh 9: Otherwise Occupied, That 70's show, Jackie Burkhart/Steven Hyde, mouth, sarcasm 10: Clear Blue, Pacific Rim (2012), Mako Mori/Raleigh Becket, The Drift, rain, blue 11: Cause every girl’s crazy (Bout a sharp dressed man), Burn Notice, Fiona Glenanne/Michael Westen/Sam Axe, suits 12: Baberaham Lincoln, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Amy Santiago/Jake Peralta, ponytail, denial 13: The Bet, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Amy Santiago/Rosa Diaz, kiss 14: Happy Honeymooning, Little Shop of Horrors, Seymour Krelborn/ Audrey, green, happiness 15: Recitation, Frasier, Niles Crane/Daphne Moon, eloquent 16: One-Bagger, The Nanny, CC Babcock/Niles, Bold 17: Favors, Greek Mythology, Hades/Persephone, fires, any, snow 18: Sum of Parts, Wrestling (WWF/E), AJ Lee/Kane/Daniel Bryan/CM Punk, foursome 19: Awake and Forget, Wrestling (WWF/E), Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels, [Any] 20: Pursuit, Fairy Tales, Little Red Riding Hood/the wolf, chase (Wolf Sex) 21: The Christian Bale Voice, Parks and Recreation, Leslie/Ben, Batman, Halloween 22: Little Miss Sunshine, Tangled, Eugene Fitzherbert/Rapunzel, innocence, naive 23: Marked Improvement, Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle/Xena, beauty 24: Domesticity, Burn Notice, Michael/Fiona, [any] 25: Cliff Notes, Beauty and the Beast (1991), Belle/Gaston, chapter six Bondage 26: Possession, Gone with the Wind, Rhett/Scarlett, Tara Rough Sex 27: Solar Midnight, Star Wars, Han/Leia, cold, cramped, wit, Ewok village 28: Idolatry, WWE, AJ Lee/Lita, hero worship 29: Call me Mrs. Flinstone, WWE, Lita/Trish Stratus, squirting 30: Flattery at Ten Thousand Feet, Disney Princesses, Jasmine/Mulan, caravan, Silk Road, carpet, any 31: Mirror, Black Swan, Nina/Lily, tattoo, relax 32: Mis En Scene, American Dad!, Stan/Roger, acting 33: Nerd Promise, Scooby Doo (2002), Fred/Velma, [any] 34: Blush and Bashful, Bridesmaids, Rita/Becca, drunk 35: Life Goes On, Jack and Diane--John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack/Diane, spin-the-bottle, ten years later 36: Think Brando, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jake Peralta/Rosa Diaz, leather jacket, academy 37: An Innocent Otter, Parks & Recreation, Leslie/Ann, girls night 38: Easy Resolution, Boy Meets World, Cory/Shawn/Topanga, family 39: Night Games, Friends, Chandler/Joey, bored, couch, TV 40: Take Me Soaring, The Venture Brothers, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch/The Monarch, fly 41: Casual, Archer, Ray Gillette/Sterling Archer, awkward 42: It Ain’t Baroque, Crossover, Evil Dead Trilogy/Disney Princesses, Ash Williams/any or all, Deadites, hero, reward 43: Rain, How I Met Your Mother, Ted/Robin/Barney, umbrella 44: Mother Tongue, How I Met Your Mother, Ted/Mother (Tracy Mosby)/ Robin, alone, sweet 45: Kinda Like a Kanye West Song, Parks and Recreation, Tom Haverford/Donna Meagle, livetweet 46: Not Like the Movies, American Horror Story: Coven, Kyle Spencer/ Zoe Benson, cold, comfort, hair petting (Zombie Sex and attendant biology of) 47: 8 Ball in the Pammy Pocket, Archer, Lana Kane/Pam Poovey, pool balls, fingering 48: Sinners Have Soul, American Horror Story: Coven, Fiona Goode/ Marie Laveau, soul (Drunk Sex) 49: Straight Poison, American Horror Story: Coven, Fiona Goode/Myrtle Snow, enemies (Underage) 50: Settle Down, Death Becomes Her, Madeline Ashton/Helen Sharp, forever, frenemies, paint (Body Horror, Undead Sex) 51: The Asinine Adventures of Rusty Venture and Byron Orpheus, The Venture Bros, Rusty Venture/Byron Orpheus, stupid 52: Super-Hot, Parks and Recreation, April/Andy, handcuffs, Skype 53: Scratching and Screaming, American Horror Story: Coven, Madison Montgomery/Misty Day, alive, angry 54: Best Night Ever, Archer, Sterling Archer/Lana Kane/Pam Poovey, sploosh 55: Would You Like To Swing on a Star?, Archer, Sterling Archer/Lana Kane, mission, undercover (Continued in Footer) See the end of the work for more notes ***** Sticky Situation, Psych, Shawn Spencer/Burton Guster, sweet tooth, mornings, trouble ***** “I’m not responsible for this foolishness, Shawn!” “Cheer up, my sweet little stick of chocolate fondue.” Shawn tossed two now- empty bottles of syrup over his shoulders, one chocolate and one strawberry, and took a look at his best friend. Gus’ chest had been dotted with melting globs of mint-chocolate chip ice cream, and these and every other exposed inch of flesh now dripped with syrup. “It’s still missing something,” he said, leaping off the bed. “That’s racist, I’m freezing cold and I think your bandana’s cutting off the circulation to my right hand!” Gus gave a tug to the bonds pinioning him to Shawn’s four-poster bed – the same one where they had played with action figures and read comics books as children. He bit his bottom lip as Shawn plunked two cherries down upon his nipples – the last thing he wanted was for Mister Spencer to barge in and catch them in the act. Shawn stepped back from the bed, his yellow smiley-face covered black boxers glimmering in the early morning light saturating the room. He framed his eye and peered at the picture before him and reached for the bedside table, picking up a large red can. Gus’ response was a squirm, an attempted crossing of his legs. “Oh hell no! You’d better not be squirting whipped cream all over Mister Snuffleupagus!” “You're killing my childhood here." "Can you not talk about childhood while we're doing this?" Shawn paused. “Not helping, Gus.” He started shaking the can vigorously. “The third leading cause of bladder infections is sugar,” Gus replied primly. “And I don’t want to go to the doctor’s office two days before we go to MegaCon!” He cringed. “It’ll probably fall off!” “Gus, don’t be Ron Jeremy standing next to Jenna Jameson. You and Mister Snuffleupagus are going to be happy together for years to come, and your junk really likes what I’m doing.” He added a few squirts of cool cream down the sides of Gus’ dick. “Look! Racing stripes.” “HE doesn’t have a brain!” Gus growled. But it was true. Gus ‘junk’ responded by quivering but remaining erect. Shawn then gestured emphatically at his best friend’s erection like a desperate magician. “Hurry up, Shawn! The rabbit’s going back into the hat.” Had he really said that aloud? Yes he had, judging from the glimmer in his friend’s eyes. “All right,” Shawn said, eyes glimmering, tilting back the can and shotgunning half of it before wiping his lips and adding it to the pile of dessert topping containers behind him. “Let’s do this.” Then he shouted, “BREAKFAST TIME!” and leapt toward Gus, his mouth level to the syrupy, creamy tangle of his friend’s groin. The whimper Gus made was the first of many given that morning, half-comprised of passion, part of fear – and the rest of hunger. ***** Chilling, Psych, Shawn Spencer/Burton Guster/Juliet O'Hara, blankets, cuddles ***** Chapter Summary Even in bed, she's still the boss Juliet is the boss. Shawn’s completely cool with that, mostly because he worships her like the milky lady-shaped goddess she is. So if she wants more of the covers after they’ve finished making vigorous love with Gus, she gets most of the covers. He always has the combined heat of his lovers to keep his frozen buns warm. Gus is the one who can’t stand the cold. He’s been known to use Shawn’s armpits as tiny furnaces in which to warm his fingertips. And Shawn shrieks and rolls away, but Gus knows from experience that nothing excites Shawn more than a little shock. He’s the big cuddler, even when Gus wants his privacy and Juliet has files to get through. Sometimes, they lie in a pile of sleepy, heavy limbs, Juliet’s ponytail plastered to Shawn’s splayed lips with sweat and his open palm spread like a sunburst against Gus’ bare belly. He giggles into Shawn’s neck and Juliet frowns and pulls them closer. Even asleep, she’s still the boss. ***** Enthusiasm Appreciated, Oglaf, Grier/The Snow Queen, blush, pink ***** Chapter Summary Grier's enthusiasm is appreciated, but the Snow Queen has no idea how they'll consummate their love. She’s prepared herself for a long, long winter of solitude, and a spring that might never come. She doesn't anticipate seeing Grier again; there will be another mercenary with a harsher approach, and she will endure in the hope of fostering life. The months peel back into oblivion, turning blue with snow and brown-black with melting mud. Soon April arrives, and she knows by the clamor at her door that the villagers below desire a thaw. She prepares herself for the clumsiness ahead with a lock of her teeth and a groan of dismay. But not one unfamiliar hand touches her before a whoop fills the air and she feels the earthquake of her front door shuddering open. She opens one pale eye and there’s Grier, stomping the snow from her boots. She’s tried to conjure the right words but they’re buried in a squeak of pleasure as Grier pulls her against the rabbit fur jacket. She’s soft on the outside, warm deep within, and she can feel the heavy pooling of her own arousal drift from her belly to the knot between her thighs. Her savior speaks. “Are you all right?” There’s a bob of silky, chilled hair. “I didn’t think you’d be back. Grier.” “Shhh!” “I just wish I could REALLY touch you,” she admits. A giggle spills from her lips, her cheeks turning pink, as the mercenary hazarded a quick kiss to her cheek. “Your enthusiasm is appreciated, but how will we…?” Grier mumbles something, a request for silence, a plea, before her well- prepared, fur-covered fingers slide over the trembling rise of her lover’s thigh. Then the queen is melting. She’s sticky, she’s falling apart, warm and sweet under the layers of ice, like a slippery bit of frozen fruit coming to thaw before the rush of the melting floe carries her off to the black rush of peace. ***** Jump In, Disney Princesses, Jasmine/Ariel, skinnydipping, shells ***** Chapter Summary The little princess doesn't have much to say, but she's a smiler.... The little red haired princess doesn’t have much to say, but she’s a smiler, and Jasmine has never been the sort of woman to halt a good time just for a lack of words. Her prince brought her to Agrabah as a form of therapy, to erase memories of an unpleasant and traumatic event that he won’t share with the Sultan and Ariel cannot bring herself to mention to Jasmine. It’s Jasmine’s idea to ride down to the shore on Carpet, to take her to the shoreline, where the warm water’s healing propensity is legendary. Ariel perks right up at the suggestion, and when they land she hops off of Carpet’s back and walks toward the ocean as if magnetized to it. Jasmine watches her strip off her finery, the hoops and petticoats that have trapped her in stifling heat for hours and hours of court-dictated events. Ariel spins away, giggling, from her host and runs toward the ocean, then dives in, her milky skin lined over with streaks of gold and the light that catch in fiery waves in her red hair. Jasmine crosses her arms over her breast, laughing softly at the girl’s antics. It’s as if something major had been sliced out of girls’ soul, and meeting with the ocean had revived it and turned her back into her true self. The princess swam like a seal and had the lung space of a whale; she surfaced from the chill blue ocean after minutes of submersion still laughing. “Come swim with me!” she waved her fingers, her toes, as she cut expertly through the waves. Jasmine – never one for modesty herself –just strips away her gauzy blue outfit and joins the girl in the frothy waves. It would be bad form to deny the princess something that clearly makes her so happy, and Jasmine was never one to deny destiny, either. And so they splash and paddle, squealing at the icy pelting of the waves, trying to stay afloat in the churning current. Jasmine’s hair drifts like seaweed across the surface of the water, unbound and adrift, tangling with the red of Ariel’s, oil meeting blood. Somehow, in the middle of it all, the flow of their movement changed. Their legs tangled, their arms wrapped ‘round each other. It was natural to slip down in that grip, the texture of the flesh of the other a tease, a silent hope for more. Jasmine didn’t need to consider her next move. She opens her mouth over the princess’ shell-colored sex, and tastes the salt of the ocean. ***** The One Good Thing That Happened After 2 Am, How I Met Your Mother, Barney/Robin, hangover, 2 am ***** Chapter Summary Barney and Robin, half-awake after a night of drunken debauchery, discuss the traditional hangover cures of the Stinson clan. “Uhnnngh?” “BARNEY.” “But mommy, I already had my Yoo-Hoo….Oh…Robin! Why are you bugging me? It’s 2 am…OW!” “If you EVER mistake me for your mother again…” “I was tired…and really hung over…eww, why am I sticky?” “You don’t remember the maple syrup luge? I spent half the night trying to lick you clean.” “It finally happened, Robin. The other curse of the Stinsons set in! I experienced the most awesome time in the history of humankind…and I can’t remember it!” “There’s only one way to fix that. And it involves you, me and this waterbed.” “….Here’s to breaking this curse!” ***** One Two Three, Dirty Dancing, Frances "Baby" Houseman/Johnny Castle, hands, frame, hold ***** Chapter Summary Baby trusts him to hold her like this... This is the only place he’s willing to let her lead. His hand tight upon her hip and loose upon the back of her head, trying to tame two sets of unruly locks with his expert timing, his adventurous tongue and stabilizing touch. Baby is whipcord-tight, her muscles having lost their spaghetti-like looseness minutes ago. She can’t hold her frame, can’t stay still, can only follow the persistent beat of Johnny’s tongue, the determination of his lust. She arches, her toes pointed, and jerks hard to the melody before falling backward, sideways, into the solid wall of his chest. ***** Slow Dance, RENT, Angel Dumott Schunard/Tom Collins, loved, makeup ***** Chapter Summary They've gotta go... “Honey, it’s almost five. We gotta get home.” Angel’s half asleep in Tom’s arms as they spin across the floor, an old Tom Waits song moaning from the dusty speakers of the coffeehouse’s jukebox. There’s the slightest trace of their midnight mischief in the powdered set of her features; something’s been hastily wiped away. “One more song,” she demands. “Then we’ll go home, just you and me.” Tom’s the one who tilts up her chin and feels the press of two stocking-clad thighs against his own, the waxen silk of lipstick. The kiss is all salt, all brass – Angel encapsulated. ***** Wait Your Turn, The Princess and the Frog, Charlotte/Naveen/Tiana, share, laugh ***** Chapter Summary Can the wear him out? Naveen – self-satisfied but silent for once – lies in comfort between his wife and her best friend, who have played willing party to his seduction and are now relaxed, nude and happy. This, he thinks, is the life – but he’s wise enough not to get too cocky, or else he’ll pay the price of Tiana’s wise sarcasm. He lets out a soft hiss as Lottie’s curious hand explores his limp cock in the moonlight. “Aww, it’s all floppy again. I didn’t think this thing ever gets tired.” He wiggles his brows. “Shall we find out if we can wake it?” Tiana slaps his chest. “Wait your turn,” she says, tackling a giggling Lottie and pinning her to the mattress. ***** Otherwise Occupied, That 70's show, Jackie Burkhart/Steven Hyde, mouth, sarcasm ***** Chapter Summary There must be a way to shut his mouth! The key to dating Steven Hyde was a simple one – to ensure harmony between them, she needed to keep his mouth occupied and keep his hands moving. A tongue teasing along the edge of his lips tended to keep his opinions mute. A nipple jammed between his teeth easily stemmed the flow of his bitter comments. And silencing his latest rant about ‘the man’ was as simple as straddling his face. Their relationship had turned Jackie into the queen of the cowgirls, kept her riding Steven’s mouth in his back seat, her thighs tight against his ears, her red nails stroking along his blood bright cock. It was much more fun than buying earplugs. ***** Clear Blue, Pacific Rim (2012), Mako Mori/Raleigh Becket, The Drift, rain, blue ***** Chapter Summary The drift suits her. The Drift suits her greatly. In the intense pulse of light and affinity, she is in her element, a tuning fork, the conductor of motion, half of his mind and half of his nerve endings. Mako, as a sexual being, is similar to the person she is as his Drift partner. She is all force and boldness in the heat of the battle, all gravity beforehand. Her nails make slick tracks down his back and her lipstick stains the lee of his neck. She tries to consume him whole within her as they grapple against the soaked brick walls outside their lodging, laughing, kissing, and grunting as buckles fall open and zippers part. She is direct and quiet but gives him enough room to move, trusts him enough to allow him to pick her up and to ply her nipples with kisses and her belly with bites. The soft, wet pull of Mako’s sex and the screams trapped within her consume Raleigh’s attention, his lust. He only wants to pay worship to her, but Mako is no carved idol; she won’t hold anything back from him. Raleigh’s eyes squeeze shut and he comes seeing the same flashes of light he gets in the drift, white, green, gray, blue. ***** Cause every girl’s crazy (Bout a sharp dressed man), Burn Notice, Fiona Glenanne/Michael Westen/Sam Axe, suits ***** Chapter Summary Can they help Sam decide between suits? “Okay guys, help me out here.” Sam held up a white silk dress shirt in one hand, a blue silk dress shirt in the other. “Are we a bunch of high-class robin hoods or are we a band of thugs?” Fiona already had her hand around a cock. “Michael.” She cradled his name upon her tongue, her fingers stroking his flesh. “We’re a band. Isn’t that adorable?” “Hey, you wouldn’t treat Frank Sinatra this way!” She grabbed Sam by his belt loop and yanked his hips against her chest. “I also wouldn’t suck his cock.” Sam wisely kept his mouth shut. ***** Baberaham Lincoln, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Amy Santiago/Jake Peralta, ponytail, denial ***** Chapter Summary She's a total babe but he's not having it... The thing about Amy is that she’s really, really hot. Under those boxy suit coats and that ponytail and those glasses and her carefulness she’s nuclear. Baberaham Lincoln. Totally smoking. And Jake knows this, and has to pretend his mind doesn’t wander, that he has to force himself to stop imagining what she’d be like if they went horizontal her desk (right between her old school trophy and her commendation from the state), what her lips would feel like around his cock, if she’d come when he yanked her against him by that damn ponytail. She would probably make him pay for her cleaning after, but it would be worth it. ***** The Bet, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Amy Santiago/Rosa Diaz, kiss ***** Chapter Summary Rosa's got a bet, and Amy's the blushing quarry. “Hey,” Rosa said, “Oh, hi Rosa! We’re meeting with the Captain in a minute…” Amy’s statement was swallowed up by Rosa’s tongue, her complaints mollified and silenced with a quick sweep and a tangling of fingers in hair. She responded out of habit, with a little groan, by pulling on Rosa’s curly hair and getting her arm around the woman’s neck. Her disarrayed thoughts scattered like ashes to the wind when Rosa pulled away from her and whisked away a streak of her lipstick from Amy’s mouth. “Cool. Peralta owes me ten bucks. You do blush when you get kissed.” ***** Happy Honeymooning, Little Shop of Horrors, Seymour Krelborn/Audrey, green, happiness ***** Chapter Summary Until the children come she can pretend she’s Jayne Mansfield. Audrey’s learned one thing about being married so far – when you’re a newlywed the whole wide world will forgive you a little naughtiness. Until the children come she can pretend she’s Jayne Mansfield. She can wear a pink bikini and burn little, shrieking Twoey sproutlings in slacks. And she can make love to her husband in the big, beautiful backyard they bought with the insurance money from Mushnick’s. Seymour’s no sheik, but he loves her so utterly that Audrey’s insides melt whenever he looks at her funny. All of his gentle kisses on her vulnerable, pink parts make her quiver. She bites her bottom lip before she bites his bottom. He likes her on top of him, because he likes admiring her long, pale form as much as when he’d enjoyed it back when they were cooped up in that dusty flower shop all day. In the duel reflection of his glasses, Audrey sees herself, shining and golden, the clouds gathering behind them. The rain licks her elbow, the hem of her hiked-up dress, the cuff of Seymour’s new Dockers. Around them, everything grows. Within Audrey, something too, takes root, though she won’t know for sure for another two months. ***** Recitation, Frasier, Niles Crane/Daphne Moon, eloquent ***** Chapter Summary She could listen to her husband speak for ages. Daphne could listen to her husband speak for ages. Especially after his heart attack, and especially after the birth of their son – she nearly demanded his voice in her ear at every crucial moment, grounding her like one of Granny Moon’s old stories. His long, white fingers are elegant, yet gentle vessels – they drag her toward rapture as they delve through the wet folds of her sex and teases her until she must use his tie as a ballast and pull him nearer, so close. But it’s his voice, her name on his lips, which has true meaning to her, which brings her back to herself when she shakes and moans and flies among the stars under the shimmering carpet that is the sound of him. ***** One-Bagger, The Nanny, CC Babcock/Niles, Bold ***** Chapter Summary Sometimes, she makes him wear the apron Sometimes she makes him wear the apron. It’s convenient to have something to hold onto, she tells him, poker-faced. Something to flip up over his face when he makes that disgusting expression just as he comes. He suggests they make love as the dogs do. He’d rather stare at her dye job than see the face SHE makes when SHE comes. She slaps him for that – just once, on the ass. It’s enough to earn her a yank of the hair and a passionate kiss. This time against the baker’s rack in the kitchen, leaning into his back, making sure it’s his weight warping the iron. Let him take the fall, just once. ***** Favors, Greek Mythology, Hades/Persephone, fires, any, snow ***** Chapter Summary She favors small trinkets. She has a taste for small trinkets. It’s something he figured out fairly quickly. So he brings her rubies and bright citrus. Snowflakes from a mountaintop. Volcanic rocks. Figures of ivory carved by Venus for her pleasure. She prefers to use his weapons against him. To slather his skin in ambrosia and lick it off. To taste the salt of his shaft in tandem with a fine wine. To loop her diamonds around his wrist and hold him down. She has engineered this, this disaster. The firelight shows her triumph, her sex a vice, her womb a cauldron of creation. ***** Sum of Parts, Wrestling (WWF/E), AJ Lee/Kane/Daniel Bryan/CM Punk, foursome ***** Chapter Summary She walks away whole. She has enough limbs for all of them. She offers herself up – three holes, two hands, eyes shut, head spinning. She knows them, tells them apart through beardy kisses or forceful nips, tries to keep ahead of them in pace and rhythm, and pulls herself away from hands that tear at her hair and uses hips and fists for balance. Her lips sour, bruised. Control is a matter of self-perception. AJ thinks she has it, in the end; is in control of her own destiny, body and soul. They can reduce her to her parts, but she walks away whole. ***** Awake and Forget, Wrestling (WWF/E), Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels, [Any] ***** Chapter Summary The hair pulling contest afterward almost feels like a relief. Chapter Notes WARNING: contains dubious consent. They’ve had another fight, another stupid disagreement about pay-offs and flights and scheduled pay-offs. If Shawn was expecting Bret to nearly bite his face off he didn’t show it; they were naked, angry, and a little drunk on their own self-importance and aggression. The kisses that followed were mutually shocking, adding another level to their aggression. Each would silently blame the rough friction on the other man; the wall-eyed climaxes a mutual forgotten memory. The hair-pulling contest afterward feels like a relief, because it’s familiar territory. Shawn lies on the floor of the locker room, scalp stinging, convincing himself to forget. ***** Pursuit, Fairy Tales, Little Red Riding Hood/the wolf, chase ***** Chapter Summary Shouldn't she give him this? Chapter Notes WARNINGS: Beast/Werewolf Sex Hunger is the name of the game tonight. Sharp, flashing teeth of a predator sinking down into the dark soft flesh of her inner thigh; practiced trembling turning to genuine, rolling ejaculations of terror – lust. His fur is a sweat-matted thatch upon his chest and her fingers sink through it, scraping, scraping, like a fox running for its burrow. She opens and sweats, dripping, dripping down into his gaping mouth. The tongue flicks like a serpent’s tail as he crawls over the terrain on his belly for her. He’s such a good puppy. Why shouldn’t she give him this? ***** The Christian Bale Voice, Parks and Recreation, Leslie/Ben, Batman, Halloween ***** Chapter Summary Leslie knows three things about life... Leslie Knope knows three things about her life for sure: positivity can accomplish anything, waffles are nature’s most perfect food, and she has the best husband ever. She bets that other women don’t have guys in their lives willing to go the distance and wake up at three in the morning to drive through a blizzard just to try a brand-new waffle joint that opened down the block. So even though she knows nothing about DC canon (as Ben calls it), she dresses up as Batgirl and they go to Ann’s Halloween party together as a totally awesome crimefighting duo. And then she rides him, cowgirl-style in her office chair, while still wearing most of that Batgirl costume and he does his Christian Bale voice. Even though the mock-pleather squeaks loudly and Jerry keeps knocking on the door every five minutes, it’s the best Halloween she’s had since the year that Hershey Syrup truck overtuned on route ten. ***** Little Miss Sunshine, Tangled, Eugene Fitzherbert/Rapunzel, innocence, naive ***** Chapter Summary She sleeps naked? She sleeps naked? Of course she sleeps naked. She sleeps naked in the sunshine with Pascal tucked into her shorn, dark hair, arms crossed behind her head and her thigh drifting back and forth against the warm, sweet-smelling grass. She hides herself away from them, from the duty pitched upon her shoulders, by running to the deepest field and lying among the cattails. He watches her from a distance, protective of her, of his glib belief in goodness. Wanting her. Refusing to ever force her. That sort of love – rich and true – will keep his thoughts dirty and his hands clean. ***** Marked Improvement, Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle/Xena, beauty ***** Chapter Summary Gabrielle gets an "a" for effort. Her hands are slim and white and they smell of ink and freshly stretched parchment. Xena kisses each finger, finding the newborn calluses that have developed over the past few weeks, as sign of Gabrielle’s relentless weapons training. She so wanted to impress the woman she had deemed her friend, her soulmate. Gabrielle’s hands gave away her patrician upbringing – white on Xena’s bare, toned belly, white against the jet black of her best friend’s hair. White and glistening after delivering mind-blowing pleasure to her lover, and curled like soft, wilting flowers against the bedroll, shaking slightly after a sweet orgasm. ***** Domesticity, Burn Notice, Michael/Fiona, [any] ***** Chapter Summary Domestic bliss doesn't suit them. Michael has an eye for detail. He knows exactly when Fiona’s reached her breaking point – though even the most inobservant man would be blistered by a stream of squealed Gaelic curses and feel the stinging strike of her nails, and drawn a conclusion. She has brought him to this fairytale wilderness, this place where neither of them rest easy in the blue-burred pines. When Charlie sleeps, the sex is more desperate, less romantic than it was back in Miami. His keen eyes tell him she’s settling with every squeal and spank. A new red dress hangs in the closet. She ordered it from an outlet store at fifty percent off, using a proxy and a drop-box in town under another assumed name. It’s too big for her small, birdy body, but when he looks at her, sees her covered in cookie dough or Charlie’s puke or mud from the washed-out drive and he closes his eyes and sees her straddling his hips in the loft in her sweats, or walking toward him in that perfect red dress, her perfect red heels. Maybe someday she’ll be that woman again. ***** Cliff Notes, Beauty and the Beast (1991), Belle/Gaston, chapter six ***** Chapter Summary Gaston doesn't want to brag, but... Marriage comes with its own special annoyances and advantages. In Belle and Gaston’s case, it was her insatiable curiosity and her incredibly formidable intelligence. For all of his vows of dominance, he could not gainsay the slippery miss who was his wife. As for life in their marriage bed…well, Gaston didn’t want to brag…. ….Of her amazing, mind-blowing skills. She was no whimperer, his Belle; she’d taken quite well to the task of creating an heir and made it an art. But here was the tricky part - Gaston couldn’t convince himself that he was actually in charge of their marital congress. For she had finessed him with her book learning; bewitched him with it. Each night provided a brand-new erotic delight, carefully learned from one of Belle’s voluminous library volumes. The latest diversion had been from chapter five. Bondage...for Gaston, and a thin leather flogger for Belle, of course. Gaston had trembled eagerly under her light blows, had even lain still and taken her teasing with good humor. She smothered him with her juicy sex and he lapped her to a contented orgasm before she relieved his desire with a handjob. “And that concludes tonight’s lesson,” she said, wiping her palms on a handkerchief, tucking the trappings of her mistresshood away before rejoining him in bed. “But wait!” he gasped, shaking off the ropes binding him to the bed. “What’s in chapter six?” “No skipping ahead,” Belle said primly, then rolled over, curled up and fell into a perfect and dreamless sleep. ***** Possession, Gone with the Wind, Rhett/Scarlett, Tara ***** Chapter Summary Scarlett owns Tara, lock stock and barrel. But she can't own Rhett... Chapter Notes WARNING: Contains rough sex. Tara is Scarlett’s private domain, down to the last nail. Her bedroom is largely unchanged in its girlish sterility; Rhett almost expects Gerald to burst through the bedroom door waving his cane and threatening to horsewhip the thief of his daughter’s virtue. She thinks Rhett ought to be honored that she chooses to even look at him within its bounds, much less make love to him there. Which is why he’s been so damnably charming; he’s bound and determined to make her claw him, make her scream her delight. He knows Scarlett’s greatest loyalty is to herself, and so he works twice as hard to make her moan and writhe for him. Bruises and kittenish smiles mark each victory. ***** Solar Midnight, Star Wars, Han/Leia, cold, cramped, wit, Ewok village ***** Chapter Summary In which negotiating sex in a cramped bed in an Ewok village leaves something to be desired. “I should’ve guessed that the beds would be this small. Are you okay, Leia?” “Sure, Han. It’s every girl’s dream to have her first time flat on her back on a strange Ewok’s bed.” “Ouch. Leave the sarcasm to me from now on, Princess. It’s kind of my thing.” “And honesty isn’t your thing, which is why, as you said, I keep giving you the third degree.” “Come on, sweetheart…” “Han. Was I really fine?” “Couldn’t you tell? You were amazing.” “Judging from what we just did you’d say a tube sock was amazing.” “Just take my word for it. Unless you’d rather take my…” “Nerf Header.” “Music to my ears. Do you have enough blanket?” “Mmm…you should take more of it. You aren’t still cold from the carbonite?” “It’s been days! Quit fussing over me, you’re worse than Chewie!” “It’s hard for me not to fuss. You didn’t see yourself…” “Shh. Hey, it’s all right. We’re both all right….well, hello, little miss Uh…are you trying to keep me warm?” “Shh. I’m going to show you I’m better than a sock.” “But you….Princess, I don’t know how they taught anatomy back on Alderaan, but that’s not how you keep a guy warm.” “Is it?” “….I take it back. This is lot better than the fire.” “…Okay. Okay, wow. Woah. Your elbow’s in my….my knee…ooh, okay…Han! Yes.” “Just like this….too much?” “No, damn it!” “Ow!” “Han?” “Leia!” “…This blanket’s making me too hot. Have it burned by morning.” “There’s my princess. Are you sorry you didn’t wait?” “No, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I…” “Yeah, me too. I know.” “I know. Goodnight.” ***** Idolatry, WWE, AJ Lee/Lita, hero worship ***** Chapter Summary One day, she'd be able to fly... Worshipping a woman up-close is quite a different from lusting after her from afar, or puppy-loving her as a teenybopper teenage fan. AJ’s fingers examine the broad curves of Lita’s sleeping body as she imagines the evening to come. One day, she decides, she’s going to be just like this woman, this imposing, perfect redhead who cries over bulldogs and knows how to play three different instruments, who’s chronicled her entire life on her skin and knows how to make a woman’s eyes roll all the way back in their skull. AJ would absorb these skills, make them hers, improve and evolve and become the sort of woman women and men would want to have a beer with. She would have to be patient - but spiders were hatched to wait. One day she’d be able and ready. ***** Call me Mrs. Flinstone, WWE, Lita/Trish Stratus, squirting ***** Chapter Summary The search for the elusive g-spot commences... Some men spend their whole sexual lives on one struggle: finding the clitoris. Some treated it like a fabled, holy bit f flesh that no mortal person could possibly possess. And they spend their entire lives looking for it, just to make their women happy. In Lita and Trish’s relationship, replace ‘clitoris’ with g-spot. And it’s not as if they weren’t trying to find the stupid lump of tissue hidden deep within them. They bought vibrators and wands and things with curved heads that looked like dolphins. They sat upon a Sybian and clung to each other and tried to distinguish between different kinds of orgasms as they ran together. Manuals were bought and consulted the way their colleagues studied dirt sheets. Neither of them managed to ejaculate, but having shared countless orgasms, neither cared. ***** Flattery at Ten Thousand Feet, Disney Princesses, Jasmine/Mulan, caravan, Silk Road, carpet, any ***** Chapter Summary High above the Silk Road, Ping and Jasmine come to an understanding. The trip was an endless, dusty one over miles of unfamiliar land. Fortunately, the Emperor had sent his royal guard to guide the recently-engaged Agrabahian princess over the mountains to a trade talk. After days of dust and slow progress, Mulan suggested her personal guard, Ping, take a break and go for a short flight on her fiancé’s flying carpet. After Ping was assured of the vehicle’s safety, the two boarded and sored to the head of the caravan, keeping at a good distance from the crowd without losing track of them. Harmless diversions, in Jasmine’s youthful opine, were good for the soul. “This is so much better. We should have flown from first light,” Jasmine observed, crossing her legs against Carpet’s back as the wind brushed back her hair. She noticed suddenly that her companion stared openly at her face, as if he couldn’t quite hear what was being said. “Do you like the view, Ping?” Ping’s eyes shot away from Jasmine’s face and he flushed. “Uh- er, yes, Sultana Jasmine. It’s lovely.” She grinned. “You don’t have to flatter me.” “It’s not flattery – you’re really beautiful!” Ping’s voice cracked. “As your Serene Highness.” Leaning over, Jasmine pecked the soldier upon her cheek. “Ping, have you ever made out while flying over the Silk Road?” “No, Sultana.” Ping’s eyes scrambled over Carpet’s elaborate design, searching for a reason why not, as Jasmine crawled toward him. “Just Jasmine,” she said, cupping the youth’s cheek. “And you’re about to.” ***** Mirror, Black Swan, Nina/Lily, tattoo, relax ***** Chapter Summary Nina's a total bitch when she's all wound up... Chapter Notes WARNING: Contains drunken sex. Nina’s a total bitch when she’s wound up. She won’t even smoke a cigarette or pop a Percocet or anything. It’s such a drag on Lily’s nerves that she spends more time trying to figure out how to fix Nina’s attitude than how to transition from hold to point to plié. Lily figures her out, and then figures out how much booze it takes to make Nina lose her tight-assed grip on the world. A little necking in a club, a little time in a tattoo parlor getting a ‘bestie’s’ tattoo, and a quick fuck in the building’s elevator. Lily licks along the edge of the tattoo as she finger-fucks the cute brunette, making her bit her lip til she tastes blood, feeling the raised contours of the freshly-injected ink under her own tongue. Lily’s not bothered by Nina’s shrieking; she knows a little bit of pain just heightens the orgasm. She bites down and thumbs Nina’s clit and she shatters just like a mirror. ***** Mis En Scene, American Dad!, Stan/Roger, acting ***** Chapter Summary Roger and Stan get a little caught up in their play-acting. Chapter Notes WARNING: Contains canon-typical gross-out humor and alien biology. Stan violently rustled the pink pages clutched in his grip, ruffling the rim of the straw hat perched on his head. He knelt between Roger’s thighs and on the fetching plaid dress he’d spent HOURS hand-stitching. It was a miracle that the two of them had been asked back to participate in a reading at the community playhouse, but they were extremely short-handed down there. Thanks to a reckless limo driver. And his goldfish sidekick. “Okay! I’m a farmer,” Stan said. “You’re my wife, we’re celebrating the end of a drought and…go!” “Oh Jim,” Roger said, artificially pitching his voice higher. “Hold me in the rain! Love me in the rain!” “Bertha! Wash my sins away! Wash me like a laundry washes the blue jeans!” Stan was getting into it – really into it. Something in Roger responded with equal fervor and he reached for the collar of his dress. He tore at the edgepiece, ripping it open at several strategically pre-torn junctures which had been sealed with Velcro closures. And Stan threw himself onto Roger’s belly and well…the tongue and every other organ wanted what it wanted. The next ten minutes were a total blur to Roger – the ecstasy he’d taken in the bathroom was terrible for his concentration – but when he snapped back to attention he was on his knees, in the middle of one hell of an orgasm and wedged against the bedframe under Stan’s weight. Stan was a wheezing, moaning lump pressed against Roger’s rear end. “Roger. Don’t tell. Francine. We just…performed anal coitus.” Roger took a moment to analyze the sensations “Uh, Stan. That’s not my ass.” Stan stopped moving. “Yeah. Yeahhh, you just splooged in my fourth belly button. Yeah, that’s definitely a belly-button. Don’t do anything. Shh! Savor the moment…oh…” They were both abruptly inundated with a flood of thick yellow liquid. “Just like a car wash.” Roger said neutrally. ***** Nerd Promise, Scooby Doo (2002), Fred/Velma, [any] ***** Chapter Summary Fred sticks to his promises... Fred’s never going to tell Daphne this. Nope, he’s totally going to his grave with it. Okay, that hour he spent alone with Velma in a gas station bathroom between hunts happened, but it’s a total secret. He made Velma swear on a stack of Nerd Bibles that she’d never talk about the time he went down on her kneeling against the cold tile floor. That stack of Doctor Who graphic novels were a promise that she’d never tell anyone that she jerked him off, spattering her glasses with a stream of his come. The tricky part – the deep, secret, hidden part – was that he sometimes watches her do brainy stuff, or weaving nets, or just laugh while brushing back a hank of her dark hair, Fred wished that it wasn’t such a secret. But they’d promised, and until she changed her mind he was bound to stick to it. ***** Blush and Bashful, Bridesmaids, Rita/Becca, drunk ***** Chapter Summary They have drunken sex in the nearest and most convenient place. Chapter Notes WARNING: Contains drunken sex Pink – up against the wall, down against the closet. Becca is loud and nervous, biting down on the inside of her cheek as she loses ground in her tiny heels, her nails are still slick with polish Rita’d helped her apply a second before. She doesn’t seem to remember that her sons are downstairs from the sounds she’s making. Becca inhales the scent of hairspray and cheap wine and grunts again as a slick thumb finds her clitoris. “Look at you blushing,” Rita chants, and laughs, her middle finger teasing toward Becca’s ass. She tastes mojito lipgloss as she comes. ***** Life Goes On, Jack and Diane--John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack/Diane, spin- the-bottle, ten years later ***** Chapter Summary Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone She remembers the first time she saw him. He was a senior and she was a freshman, and he told her that she looked great – that her jeans were out of sight. The next five years of her life were all parties and backseats, hickies and spin-the-bottle and making love in the woods. Her whole life was a Van Morrison song, and she was the original brown-eyed girl. They were supposed to get out, somehow. One day, when the time was right, she’d break her piggy bank and Jackie would cash in all the war bonds his grandpa kept hidden under the floorboards of the old farm house. They’d go to Omaha; they’d get a room at the Omni and make love on satin sheets. She could already feel the heat of his breath on the back of his her neck; she could feel his long fingers exploring her body with practiced familiarity. Then the big a came to sweep them both away – adulthood, the bugaboo that arrives for every man and woman. They graduated with promises and deathless cries of passion on their tongue, but it was harder to write about what they felt than to neck in the tall grass. Diane took college courses in North Dakota; Jackie hung around his dad’s filling station. He was there the night the place was robbed. Two bullets ended all of Diane’s dreams of a thrilling life. Diane moved to Wichita, entered the secretarial pool and soon became a housewife. Three children later, her husband took a promotion and the entire family moved back to where it all began. Time had chosen to stand still in Diane’s little hometown hamlet. The realization comes on her while she’s waiting at the bus stop for her daughter: no matter where she goes Cutter’s Gap will always be the same. The Tastee Freeze will always have five-cent vanilla cones on Saturday nights, and the Foreign Legion will always hold bingo on Sundays and dances on Fridays and have a manger filled with baby pigs and a plastic Jesus on the front lawn on Christmas Eve. She wonders what Jack would make of it all. She can’t bring herself to go to his grave, to acknowledge his death as a permanent separation. She still has his class ring somewhere in the back of her closet, inside of a shoebox with her homecoming queen sash. She takes it out when she feels dead inside, remembers Jack doing his terrible James Dean impression, and laugh again at the weird, magnetic, healing grip of her sixteenth year. ***** Think Brando, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jake Peralta/Rosa Diaz, leather jacket, academy ***** Chapter Summary Rosa and Jake have differing POVs on their first encounter back in the academy. This is how Jake’s story. It’s all about how he met Rosa, and he tries to avoid telling it until, gosh darn, he’s forced into it. Most of the people at the 99th believe it’s true, and he’d swear on a stack of moldy New Yorkers that he’s not lying but only the very, very brave have asked Rosa to verify the claim. He sets the scene like Sophia Petrilo on Spanish fly: picture it: The Brooklyn Police Academy, 2003-ish. They were in the locker room after target practice and he asked her what all the leather she was donning was about. Then he asked if she had a Fonzie fetish and then she said something kind of rude that he swears he can’t remember, and she pushed up against a bench and stuck her tongue down his throat, her hand ripping at his fly. And then there was, in Jake’s words, sex stuff. It’s so like Rosa that no one questions his story, though when he tells it Santiago rolls her eyes and walks off. Rosa doesn’t deny it when the braver ones ask. She just says, “it’s what Brando would’ve done,” then goes back to polishing her gun. ***** An Innocent Otter, Parks & Recreation, Leslie/Ann, girls night ***** Chapter Summary Ann comes to Leslie's for a sleepover. Their eventual tipsiness takes them to unusual places. Chapter Notes WARNING: Contains drunken sex Only Leslie Knope would bring wine coolers, a box of waffle mix and a stack of delivery menus to a sleepover. She wanted everything to be just like it was when she was a teenager, she insisted, before drinking half the carton, braiding Ann’s hair, putting on a terrible horror movie, painting her nails and crank-calling Jerry, all in a swift hour. “You got drunk in high school?” “Oh Ann, you beautiful, innocent otter.” Leslie pecked her on the cheek and ran off to pop more popcorn. Left behind, Ann kept chugging her passion fruit and kiwi mixer – and when Leslie didn’t pop up, she crept down to the kitchen, calling her name. She’d been hiding behind the oven and as she burst forth to scare Ann her best friend noticed that somehow – for some reason – she’d doffed her blouse and bra. “...Leslie?” Ann’s brain refused to work. But Leslie immediately volunteered the information she sought. “I froze my own bra!” she shouted. Ann shook her head. “That’s not funny!” Ann giggled into her fist. “It’s slumber party tradition!” She started belly laughing and Leslie, with a perfectly serious expression upon her face, said, “Ann, give me your bra.” Leslie tackled her, and both women rolled around the floor, squeaking unto laughter. The rolling ended with tickling, the tickling ended with kissing, and the kissing soon moved toward portions of their anatomies other than their lips. Her breasts tasted of straight sugar. Ann licked and nibbled at Leslie’s pink nipples and absently thought about asking her what sort of lotion she’s using. Then she was flat on her back and Leslie was clumsily straddling her face and then falling nose-down into Ann’s sex. Going down on Leslie was harder than she’d anticipated – the girl was a mover and a moaner and she kept falling sideways out of the reach of Ann’s tongue and fingers. Once she anchored Leslie down, Ann replicated on her all of the things she loved having done to her – all of the things she’d asked for from her boyfriends but never received with proper respect or fervor. She moaned at Leslie’s own fumbling exploration and concentrated, concentrated, until Leslie’s throaty groans teased Ann’s clit and made her twitch and scream. Somewhere over her head, Leslie was moving, speaking, rolling onto her side. “I need a stack of waffles and a pepperoni pizza,” Leslie moaned. “Oh Ann! Did you see where I left the number?” Ann had no idea, but Leslie was drifting off into pantsless unconsciousness and she had no way of telling her. ***** Easy Resolution, Boy Meets World, Cory/Shawn/Topanga, family ***** Chapter Summary This is the easiest resolution to their longing. It was an easy, quick, and smart solution. Shawn’s rent had run out, and Topanga was in the eighth month of her pregnancy. Cory and Topanga hadn’t spoken to each other for three days; he had called her a beautiful balloon and she had frozen him out for weeks on end. It was up to Shawn to solve the problem. He made them dinner. The sex was not planned; it had been the result of Topanga’s swollen feet and Cory’s lonely desire to talk to her and Shawn’s rootless ramblings colliding. It was more of a long cuddle than a race toward orgasm; Shawn didn’t even get off that night, not once. But it was the best time he’d ever had with a woman…and a man. They gave him a spare room and, when they moved, an entire attic. He never slept there. The master bedroom was his from day one. The kids never noticed, never cared: this was their family. It was an elegant resolution. Soon there are two kids, two dads and one mom. They were one big, happy family. Even without the sex they are, through and through, inside and outside of the bedroom, a true unit. ***** Night Games, Friends, Chandler/Joey, bored, couch, TV ***** Chapter Summary Joey and Chandler make a game of watching scrambled Cinnemax. It was just an experiment. They were out of food, one of them needed to go shopping, but Joey had gone floppy with hunger, and Chandler didn’t have enough money left to properly fill the cupboard. When Joey gets hungry, Joey gets tired. When Joey gets tired, Joey gets horny. When Joey gets horny, he shrugs and asks Chandler if their Cinemax is still scrambled. It’s become something of a game between them. They pull it out, jerk it off, and make a game of it. Who can come first, last, furthest? Kari Whurr or Shannon Tweed? Count the sax solos! Just don’t admit what you’re feeling. Or look in the other guy’s eyes. ***** Take Me Soaring, The Venture Brothers, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch/The Monarch, fly ***** Chapter Summary He takes her soaring...and he's also good at other things... Sheila. What was it about that name that always reminded him of her? It was probably the sex. The really incredible, ridiculously great sex with all of the nibbling and the sucking and the moaning and squeezing. He was in love with an incomparable commander and an amazingly sweet piece of booty and he was incredibly proud of each and every one of her special skills. Sheila’s point of view differs. Malcom reminds her of flying. He takes her overground, into the blue-black realm of total ecstasy on the wings of a butterfly. And he’s also pretty good at Scrabble. ***** Casual, Archer, Ray Gillette/Sterling Archer, awkward ***** Chapter Summary SO worth it. [WARNING: spoilers for the past few episodes of season 5 and Archer being Archer]. Archer’s only suggestion to Ray is that they shouldn’t make this weird. They’re just meeting up for occasional quickies in the underground catacombs of Cheryl’s family’s mansion while avoiding the rest of their pissed-off co- workers and ; normal, everyday hookup stuff. It wasn’t like they were being watched; no, it was that Archer didn’t want to explain it to his mother. But in Archer’s opinion (the one Ray’s willing to tolerate), it was totally worth it. Something about Ray’s mustache just did it for him, and his arm strength was, like twice that of a normal man. So worth it. ***** It Ain’t Baroque, Crossover, Evil Dead Trilogy/Disney Princesses, Ash Williams/any or all, Deadites, hero, reward ***** Chapter Summary The girl gives him a headache. This girl makes his head ache. Other parts of his body, too, but mostly his head. She reminds him of Annie - bright as hell, obsessed with book learning, but totally clueless about the effect she has on the rest of the world. And it was all her fault. She was the one who had said the words, sucked him through time and demanded he help her. He give her credit for one thing. She was great with a hatchet. *** “So where’s my reward?” He’s standing on top of a pile of Deadites, former villagers who had turned on her beloved and brought his life to an end, cleaning off the blade of his chainsaw. She crosses her arms and glares at him, unaware of the visceral goo dripping from her pinafore and house dress. “You weren’t the only one helping out, Monsieur Ash!” She gestures to the crowd of animate objects surrounding her, who defended the castle within an inch of their lives. They were in the process of polishing and cleansing each other. “Yeah yeah…thanks for doing stuff and not…standing around laughing.” His comment wins him an odd look from Belle. The candlestick hops toward him and Ash instinctively flinches away. “Maybe you would like to stay for a petit bite before Belle sends you back to your world?” “Yeah, great, thanks. I’m starving,” he adds, then stomps off to his borrowed guest room to clean up. *** By the time he’s called down for dinner, the servants have cleaned the ballroom and crafted an elegant repast. Belle has changed into a slightly less bloody day dress and cleansed her hair; she almost lives up to her name, all clean and sweet like that. Ash has donned one of her old man’s old suit coats over his torn but freshly laundered shirt, and he swaggers down and into the dining room as if he owns the entire place. He’s only a little freaked out about the pre-meal song-and-dance routine from the the silverwear. Dinner passes uneventfully, and once the table’s clear Belle suggests they have an evening entertainment in the solar. Ash has no idea what a solar is, but when she drags him there he figures out it’s apparently old-timey French for ‘big ass ballroom.’ The old cellos and violins strike up a melody, and she leads him down the grand staircase into a dance. It turns into something of a mixture of modern waltz and old country reel, with Ash trying to draw Belle closer to him. She finally permits his dipping her, and he does it with as much flourish as possible. Their eyes meet. He gives her a bashful grin. “So…how about a blowjob?” Her slap knocks him into next week. **** The following day, she conjures the porthole with more finesse than he’d expected her to possess. He shrugs and accepts the favor, feeling the wind pick him up in that stomach-churningly familiar way. As he swirls by her well-braced body, far out of reach of her hands he shouts, “I’d settle for a handjob!” He never sees her bend over, but that pitcher’s wrist is unmistakable. He knows it’s Belle’s doing when one fifteenth century French slipper follows Ash into the future and plops upon the top of his head when he lands on his couch. “That’s one hell of a girl,” he declares, stowing it among his many souvenirs. “And one hell of a primitive freak.” Coming from Ash, it’s a compliment. ***** Rain, How I Met Your Mother, Ted/Robin/Barney, umbrella ***** Chapter Summary Robin and Barney help Ted get over Tracy's death. Accidentally canon compliant. The funeral is hell. Ted holds onto himself, onto his composure, until he’s finally alone, and then he breaks quietly, grieving until Luke’s forced to call up his Uncle Barney and his Aunt Robin. The wait is endless; he’s so distraught that he spends hours telling his kids all about how he met their mother. The whole thing, winding from the time he first spotted Aunt Robin to the second he saw their mother at a rain-soaked train station. Then the story ends and Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney are ushering them out of their dad’s study. There’s muffled shouting, muffled laughter, muffled tears. Then there are sounds that make Luke blush and turn away from the door. He and his sister text and blast music until the three adults emerge, slightly disheveled, with glazed eyes and small smiles. Luke and his sister escort them to a movie, an eight minute walk to the center of town and then back. His dad insists on taking a walk afterward, and then the heavy, gray skies open up. Luke trails behind them as they huddle up under his mother’s yellow umbrella, letting the rain wash over their designer clothing, cleansing their tears. ***** Mother Tongue, How I Met Your Mother, Ted/Mother/Robin, alone, sweet ***** Chapter Summary It takes Tracy awhile to grasp the way the group works, but once she catches onto the dynamic, she's a natural. It’s quite an adjustment. She has to learn how the dynamics of the group work, which doesn’t take her very long but feels like a crash course in civics. Knowing about Marshall and Lily’s marital issues and too much about how Barney and Robin work is uncomfortable, to say the least. They’re so intimately acquainted that it’s like living in a little pocket universe that revolves around Ted. She feels like one little planet in a galaxy of many sometimes. But she and Robin develop a real bond that helps her adjust. She and Ted are the ones who console Robin when Barney’s away and she’s stuck home. Her hands and her lips soothe Robin’s brow when it’s wrinkling; Ted’s mouth ease the knots of stress in her spine. Together, they rid her of her loneliness in this long midnight hour. She presumed it an unspoken, secret thing, this kissing and entering and riding, these orgasms, these tears, this love. Later on, Robin thanks them for the ‘sandwiches’ and the ‘bagpipes session’ at Sunday brunch. Ted and Robin share a chuckle and move on with the day: no big deal, just a lark. It’s like learning an entirely new language, but she’ll crack the code one day. One day Robin will comfort her, she’ll speak it with eloquence, the mother tongue of their love. It will double in her own, and she’ll shine in their arms. ***** Kinda Like a Kanye West Song, Parks and Recreation, Tom Haverford/Donna Meagle, livetweet ***** Chapter Summary You don't want to live with it, but you can bop to it all the same. It was inevitable. Even she knew it would happen, that she and Tom would break the friendship barrier and, as he put it, ‘get on with our bad selves’. Donna figures out quickly that sex with Tom is way too much fun – kind of like a Kanye West song. You don’t want to live it, but bopping along’s all right. Their relationship teaches her how to Livetweet an entire sexual act in emoticons –which, for some reason, gains her enormous amount of followers. They’re the Brangelina of Twitter, she tells him – almost as famous and PewDiePie and Martzia, but not quite as cool as Hanna Hart and her girlfriend whatsherface. Tom only sees dollar signs, of course. The tee-shirts that follow are a bit much, but she’ll deal, and Livetweet that too. ***** Not Like the Movies, American Horror Story: Coven, Kyle Spencer/Zoe Benson, cold, comfort, hair petting ***** Chapter Summary It's not exactly the way Zoe imagined it would be... Chapter Notes [Warning: zombie!sex and all of its biologically gross implications.] This isn’t anything like the fairytales Zoe read as a little girl. Not like those old black and white movies she used to watch as a kid, either. Frankenstein never got the girl, The Mummy never got to grope the starlet, and The Wolfman was shot through the heart with a silver bullet. Lying in bed with Kyle, she sees a lifetime of old lies falling away. Love isn’t Romeo and Juliet seeing one another through a plate-glass aquarium – it’s wiping up puddles of somebody’s drool. It’s sitting for hours on the floor making flash cards to help them re-learn speech. It’s teaching them how to walk and talk again. He’s been good, Madison says, rolling her eyes, puffing her cigarette. He’s earned some alone time with widdle Zoe (she pronounces it just that way when they argue over which of them gets to play with him for the night – widdle Zoe, with a little curl of her upper lip). She won’t interfere. She curls up in her princess bed and faces the wall, having the grace to feign sleep. Zoe shrugs, hauls her nightgown off and unbuttons Kyle’s pants. The blowjob comes first. Sucking him down her throat, her eyes rolling back into her head, his flesh warms in the heart of her. She lets him go with a wet slurp and he springs free of her lips - rigger mortised to erection. Kyle lets out grumbly sounds of approval, a caveman’s warble of pleasure, and clumsily pats Zoe’s red hair. She pushes him back and straddles his hips, reassured by his grunts and moans that she’s pleased him. Her own relief is secondary and so Zoe ignores the slightly dry drag of her own tissue over his bulging, scarred cock. Riding him, making his moans of distress rise from his throat into frantic animal cries, Zoe thinks about her lot. She thinks of the handsome, smart boy she met at the party, the one she fell in loe with. He’ll come back, she promises herself – he just needs more time, more work. She doesn’t wait for her own pleasure and hurries her hips along when he starts awkwardly thrusting up into hers. Orgasms have been a non-issue for her, anyway, ever since she accidentally killed her first boyfriend; she can’t kill Kyle, but her mental block is so great that she can’t get off unless Madison’s there to help her. Much to her disgust. Kyle screams like a dying horse and bucks wildly upward before falling to his back with another moan. She feels a sudden ejection of icy fluid jetting into her sex and scrambles backward with a squawk, letting the rest of it ooze onto his belly. Zoe grabs a hunk of Kleenex and jams it between her thighs, letting it flow out of her body. “Eww,” she mumbles under her breath, carefully wiping away the gray-green gunk he’d ejaculated from her pubic hair and off of her vulva. When it’s done she disposes of the tissue and crawls weakly back into bed. He bear hugs her from behind and pats her head. “Zoe good,” he says, and takes an audible sniff of her hair before dropping off. Zoe just faces the wall and breathes, breathes, reminding herself of her pumping blood, her survival, her eyes burning. ***** 8 Ball in the Pammy Pocket, Archer, Lana Kane/Pam Poovey, pool balls, fingering ***** Chapter Summary Pam tries to help Lana work off her pregnancy hormones. Pregnancy hormones sucked the big one. Lana hated them; they had a way of making them cry when she didn’t want to, her body ache in ridiculous ways and her libido rev at the worst possible times. Which was why she threw herself at Pam. They had complimentary problems – Pam had a coke high she couldn’t fuck away and Lana’s perpetual horniness. A little bit of fisting late at night seemed like a great idea. Which was why Pam was on her knees, minus her skirt and with her ass hanging in the air while Lana put a tube of Crisco to work. “Yeah, get those big ass hands up there,” encouraged Pam. Lana smacked her on the rear end. “I’m concentrating. No speaky when I concentrate!” She wiggled a finger against Pam’s anus and earned herself a whoop. “Hey, Timmy Big Hands – wanna learn what I can do with pool balls?” Lana groans and thrusts. “Nooope.” “Keep diggin’,” she encourages. “You’re bound to find some gold. Rolled Gold…hey, would you like some pretz-ACK! EASY!” Lana tried for easy, but it was beyond her. They shared orgasms on the pool table, then spent hours looking for the missing 8 ball. ***** Sinners Have Soul, American Horror Story: Coven, Fiona Goode/Marie Laveau, soul ***** Chapter Summary a drunken interlude. They’re just drunk enough for this to make sense to their booze-and-coke-fueled brains. They stagger up to the quiet peace of Fiona’s rooms and run smack into chests of drawers until they roll onto the bed, cackling like fools. They fuck sloppily, half-dressed and halfway off the bed, and when Fiona’s wig comes tumbling off her head in mid-scissor they both shriek and laugh, the belly laughs commanding their bodies more strongly than their orgasms. Afterward, they lounge on the counterpane. “Don’t tell anyone I stuck my tongue into your white-trash cunt,” says Marie. “As long as you don’t tell anyone I’m a soulless harpy,” says Fiona. And then they laugh together, as if they are whole once more. ***** Straight Poison, American Horror Story: Coven, Fiona Goode/Myrtle Snow, enemies ***** Chapter Summary When Myrtle was young, she worshipped Fiona, too. Chapter Notes [Warning: Underage] At fifteen, Myrtle Snow wanted to be Fiona Goode. She wanted the power she knew, the friends she kept, the cool blonde body in her hot red dress. Her mind orgiastically poured over the teen’s frame, touching herself under the table. She learned quickly enough that Fiona wasn’t a dream. Straight poison was more like it, dressed up in black pumps and wielding itself cruelly in the name of selfishness and death; heliotrope and nightshade with curves. At seventeen, Myrtle’s fantasies of Fiona had died and fallen away. Now when she touched herself, she imagined a fully-stocked Bergdorf Goodman store. ***** Settle Down, Death Becomes Her, Madeline Ashton/Helen Sharp, forever, frenemies, paint ***** Chapter Summary “Think it would hurt?” “Not as much as hitting the damn floor does!” Chapter Notes Contains body horror, sex between two eternally decomposing divas, and mild violence. And so they went on like this, rotting at the knees, their joints popping out of place and their heads rolling across marble floors at odd intervals. Madeline takes it quite seriously when Helen suggests they staple them back onto their necks. “Think it would hurt?” “Not as much as hitting the damn floor does!” But there are positive points to living eternally. They travel the world in semi-luxury (all right, they actually have to stay at one-star resorts so that certain ~unfortunate smells aren’t noticed) and at night, they drink a little wine and get frisky with their paintbrushes. Another positive thing about their eternal, rotting, pullapart life is that it’s much easier to give head when you can detach yours. ***** The Asinine Adventures of Rusty Venture and Byron Orpheus, The Venture Bros, Rusty Venture/Byron Orpheus, stupid ***** Chapter Summary A misadventure with Monarch-engineered sex pollen leaves Rusty in Orpheus' debt. “Oh COME ON!” Doctor Venture’s whine pierced the air as he gestured toward the erection gently straining the front of his speed suit. “This is asinine!” “Hmmm…” Orpheus took a look at him, raised an eyebrow, rubbed his chin. “Have you been visited by Dean’s pants-haunting chums?” Venture gasped and crossed his arms across his chest. “What?! NO! That idiot The Monarch sprayed aphrodisiac all over the hedges out front. Brock and I just got finished hosing them down. Thankfully the boys didn’t get into it but, well – BOOM!” He pointed at his crotch. “Brock ran off to a whore house and left me sitting here without a ride to the Ginger Rhino.” “I see. Did you think I might?” “No, I was just…warning you!” More arm crossing. “Well?! Do you have any ideas? And forget masturbation! I had a terrible experience with Lubriderm when I was a teenager and I’m not trying it again!” Orpheus abandoned his half-made quiche “Are you suggesting I help you relieve THE STRESS IMPOSED BY THE HORROR OF THE MONARCH’S DEVOLITRY!?!” “NO! Rusty Venture is strictly for the ladies! All of this will one day by the property of Mrs. Doctor Thaddeus Venture!” “Then why are you standing in my kitchen!” “Don’t you have some sort of spell that would get rid of this?!” “YES! It’s called GOOD OLD FASHIONED ELBOW GREASE!” “Oh God. Is there…actual grease involved?” Orpheus twiddled his index finger and gestured toward the kitchen counter. “Sit.” Rusty did so, to his amazement. “When did you start doing mind control?” “It’s one of the SEVEN wonders!” “…Soooo are you the next Supreme? ‘Cause I don’t want to be drowned in the bath tub…woah!” Orpheus knelt before Rusty and tugged open his speed suit. “Follow your instincts! ALLOW THE ECSTASY TO FLOW THROUGH YOU!” “THIS IS A LITTLE BIT FORWARD!” he squeaked. Orpheus spat onto his palms and reached into the suit. The last coherent words Rusty heard for the next fifteen minutes were Orpheus shouting, “MY GOD! IT’S A FIVE POUNDER!” ***** Super-Hot, Parks and Recreation, April/Andy, handcuffs, Skype ***** Chapter Summary Andy and April's bi-continent sexy Skype chat gets complicated. “So are the handcuffs cutting off the circulation to your wrist?” April peered into the camera and added, “that would be super-hot.” “I can feel my other hand and it’s on my junk!” Andy grinned. “Right, so take it out and feast your eyes on these babies!” April had apparently unbuttoned her sweater, but the camera showed nothing lower on her body than her shoulders. “Oh baby. Your neck is so sweaty!” “No, I have my top off!” she reached for the camera and pulled it downward. “Andy, did you mess with this before you went back to London?” “Only a little bit?” She glared. The camera died. “Can I take off the cuffs?” Andy asked the silence. It takes him an hour to find the keys, and a day before April’s willing to talk to him. ***** American Horror Story: Coven, Madison Montgomery/Misty Day, alive, angry ***** Chapter Summary Madison gives herself to Misty, crashing and screaming. Chapter Notes [WARNING: Contains Mild Dubcon] Madison didn’t peg Misty for the rough and tumble type. She supposed that whole dying a million times thing was a drag on her sweet nature. Nearly beating the shit out of Madison afterward just confirmed Madison’s opinion that Misty was dumb, possibly the dumbest bitch she’d ever met. When the sex happens it’s a surprise, but thankfully a consensual one. Madison swallows her down. Misty still tastes like the sweat, of the earth, and Madison is compelled to give herself over to Misty, clawing and screaming all the way, but feeling more alive than she has since her stabbing. ***** Best Night Ever, Archer, Sterling Archer/Lana Kane/Pam Poovey, sploosh ***** Chapter Summary "wait, wait...PAM'S the best sex ever?" Archer pouted from Cheryl’s ancestral couch, enduring the complaints of his bored ex-lovers by zoning out. “You’re turning this into the worst Saturday night I’ve ever had.” “Wait, wait,” Lana cackled. “Repeat that. PAM‘s the best sex ever?” Pam , who had occupied the couch between them, lifted her eyes from her bucket of fried chicken. “Hey, what’s so hard to believe about that?” “No offense…” Lana began. “…Too late,” Pam said. “…But Archer and I had an actual relationship. With emotions and commitment,” said Lana. “Why would a bathroom quickie with you be better than the sex we’ve had over a gazillion dates?” Archer stared at her blankly. “Uh…you don’t do that thing with your finger? Pam does that and it’s AWESOME. MAJOR sploosh, am I right?” “I don’t friggin’ believe you!” Lana said. Archer, to his credit, didn’t shrink back. “Look, if you’re both going to be bitchy about this…” “HEY!” “…Then why don’t you settle it in the Ring Of Combat?” “Archer, we don’t have time for the Ring of Combat.” But Archer had gotten to his feet and begun to re-arrange chairs and tables to form a ring around Pam and Lana’s sitting place. “Don’t you both want to fight for my affection?” Silence. “You know, this would hurt if one of you’d actually say something…” More silence. “Anything?” Pam eyed Lana. She shrugged. “How do you feel about it?” “Eh. Might be fun – but be careful with those baseball mitts of yours! I need to be able to walk!” “Yeahh, now I don’t know if I…” Pam was done with hesitation. She grabbed Lana by the collar of her sweater and yanked her in for a kiss. Archer let out a ‘whoo hoo!’ that went ignored…until Lana and Pam’s hands simultaneously reached up for him and pulled him to the ground by his dickey. ***** Would You Like To Swing on a Star?, Archer, Sterling Archer/Lana Kane, mission, undercover ***** Chapter Summary Lana and Archer go undercover with a couple of swinging Hollywood stars - and then have to quickly improvise. This, in Archer’s opinion, wasn’t what his mother meant when she told him and Lana to go out with their new clients dressed up to ‘entice’ them. Lana looked great, but he wasn’t exactly sure about the whole booty short/Spencers Gifts tee shirt/dyed red hair combo. Then their hosts started kissing their butler. Lana grabbed Archer’s wrist before he could reach the couple and their servants. “Just shut up,” she said, grabbing him by his bleached locks. “And follow my lead.” If it meant having sex with Lana again (and again. And maybe again) then he would do just that. ***** Optioning Out, The Bold and the Beautiful, Hope Logan/Stephanie "Steffy" Forrester, Forget Liam ***** Chapter Summary As long as she can keep Hope's lips on her clit, she'll be fine. Chapter Notes WARNING: Contains Incest Hope runs away after a year of watching Liam flirt with Aly. Steffy knows she’s end up in Paris, knows she’d try to find her - because she’s the only Forrester Hope knows in Paris, and because – no matter what the DNA says - she’s Ridge’s little girl and Thorne believes in loyalty. They’re incredibly drunk the first time they fuck, in Steffy’s office, against her plate glass floor-to-ceiling window. The revelation is a bigger lightning bolt to her brain than her orgasm. Steffy doesn’t need Liam’s dick anymore. She doesn’t even want a baby. As long as she can keep Hope’s lips on her clit, she’ll be happy. ***** Living For The Night, Boy Meets World, Shawn Hunter/Angela Moore, kiss, hands, smile ***** Chapter Summary They'll go on living for the night. Angela tells her work friends she’s ended up with a ‘cool guy’ like Shawn for one and one reason only: he’s a great hugger. She doesn’t mention that they mostly hug horizontally between shifts and midnight painting sessions, gallery openings and shopping trips. It’s nobody’s business whose hand she’s holding, whose ear she’s nuzzling, whose smile she misses when she’s stuck running an endless tour for a group of snot-nosed teenagers and he’s home trying to run their household. She’ll miss his catering mouth as much as he misses her firm touch, and they’ll go on living for the night. ***** Scars, Dogfight, Eddie/Rose, homecoming ***** Chapter Summary Fuck War. There’s pie and coffee before they go upstairs, hands folded together and feet slow upon the stairwell. He runs his fingers through her growing hair and kisses her callused fingers before she can find the wounds on his body, the corresponding cuts made by rock and shrapnel. “Fuckin’ war,” she says into his collarbone. “Piece of shit war,” he corrects her hair. “Mother fuckin’ damned war,” she replies. The four letter words pile up in the air between them until they laugh at the pain, holding tightly to what they’ve preserved of the goodness and decency in their living years. ***** The Fourth Annual Moonlighting Porn Battle Fic, Moonlighting, Maddie Hayes/David Addison, lipstick, argument ***** Chapter Summary The fourth in a series of fourth-wall breaking Moonlighting fics (you see what I did there?) MADDIE: Hello, and welcome to our fourth annual Porn Battle fic! DAVID: Welcome indeed! You stuffed our boxes and greased our polls! MADDIE: *impatiently*: DAVID…. DAVID: You fiddled with our data and diddled our …. MADDIE: Innuendo wasn’t one of the requests this year. DAVID: No? MADDIE: No. DAVID: Oh...so what did they ask for? MADDIE: Lipstick. DAVID: Lipstick? MADDIE: Lip and stick. DAVID: Woah, hold up! I’ve done a lotta things in my time, but that’s low! I may like a little hankee spankee in my nightly soirees, but I’d never stick a girl in the lip! [MADDIE sighs. Holds up a tube of Revlon. Tugs on his arm.] DAVID: …And…huh. [MADDIE is busy applying a fresh coating of lipstick. As she does so, she speaks in a muffled tone.] Maddie: So how are you going to contribute? DAVID: *smiles and unzips his pants* MADDIE: Oh MUST you? DAVID: Manly men like me don’t do lipstick, Madeline…. [As he rants on, MADDIE has quietly drawn something on his hand with her tube of fire engine red #13 By the time he’s noticed, she’s done and tucking the tube into her front pocket.] DAVID: …This comes off in the shower? MADDIE: Of course! DAVID: Good! If it doesn’t, you’re gonna be helping me remove it. With other parts of your anatomy… MADDIE: No! DAVID: YES! MADDIE: Uh-uh! DAVID: Maybe? MADDIE: Great job, David! We just filled a second prompt without EVEN TRYING TO DO IT! DAVID: What was it? MADDIE: ARGUMENT! DAVID: Then my work here is done! You get what you paid for with me, baby: a multi-tasker! MADDIE: Do you have anything to say to the audience? DAVID: Oh yeah: may your days be merry and tight! And may all of your Porn Battles be wet! ***** Feckless, Gavin and Stacey, Stacey/Nessa, yo Stace ***** Chapter Summary "Yo Stace, let's split." The best thing about being Nessa’s best friend is that being with her is totally uncomplicated. And Stacey loves uncomplicated more than anything right now, with the move’s difficulty and Gavin’s distance and her missing home so much. It’s fun to go on a lark: to pose as nude models for an anatomy class, or try a few hours of clumsy rope bondage, or paint her whole body with bronze paint and pose like a statue for change at Piccadilly Circus. This is mostly because dour, sweet Nessa makes it fun and takes her mind out, makes it go pink with giddiness. Just one sentence from Nessa is all she needs. A “yo, Stace, let’s split.” And she’s packing her suitcase for a day trip, fully ready to run away together. ***** Meltzeriffic, WWE, AJ Lee/Stephanie McMahon, giggle, strap-on ***** Chapter Summary AJ Lee owns a pink glitter Hello Kitty strap-on. AJ Lee owns a pink glitter gel Hello Kitty strap-on. Wouldn’t Meltzer just love to have that headline? It’s one little bit of information Steph’s going to keep in her breast pocket for the moment, though. There’s no need to let anyone else know that the broom closets at Titan Towers function as perfectly serviceable lovenests, and that kissing’s a great way to muffle nervous giggling. It’s a very cute strap-on, and AJ looks very cute while wearing it, especially when she really gets into it and her pigtails start swaying back and forth. She won’t let Steph use them as handles, but she can grab her by the belt and yank her to and fro into and out of her soft, quivering center. As good as AJ is with it, Stephanie envies her for it. Maybe she’ll ask her where she picked it up. Or maybe AJ will let ask her to wear it someday. ***** A Deal, WWE, AJ Lee/CM Punk/John Cena, compromise ***** Chapter Summary AJ negotiates a compromise. “Okay, boys. We can be mature about this.” Cynical laughter from Punk made her cross her arms protectively over her bare breasts. She looked as cartoonishly upset as a hamster. “Sorry, you said mature. YOU, mature. C’mon.” “Dude, shut up,” John hissed, elbowing Punk’s side. “Dude,” mocked Punk, “there’s no way she’ll share us. Remember what happened to her last boyfriend?” Cena glanced about himself, at the spare motel bedroom. “Did somebody grab a priest or something while I was in the john?” “Why are you being literal when we’re stuck in our underwear in this room? I showed up for a little bit of the old hot stuff and now we’re gonna have our damn heads cut off by Psychobitch!” She wasn’t about to sit still and take that. AJ skipped toward the bed and pressed an index finger to their lips. Once silence had been achieved, that finger ran gently down their chins and throats, to their chests and their bellies, the rest of her falling to a kneeling position as it descended. AJ rolled took their throbbing cocks in her hands. She watched their dismay turn to rapt interest and smiled as she started rapidly fisting their growing hard-ons. “If you’re both good,” she whispered, “I’ll suck on these beautiful, juicy cocks.” Then she let them go and they bobbed. “But if you’re both bad, I’m going to go find Daniel and Brie and we’re going to go find a comic book shop and have some real fun together, and then, gee, I guess you’ll have to satisfy yourselves. Now do we have a deal boys?” Two heads bobbed in concert to two much smaller ones. She smiled and leaned in. ***** Pumping, WWE, CM Punk/John Cena, workouts, tease ***** Chapter Summary Cena is an annoyingly chipper morning person. Punk tries to distract him. Newsflash: John Cena is an impossibly chipper morning person. And he gets that way without coffee, which is all the more annoying. Punk squints against the bright fluorescent lighting of the motel gym they’re stuck using and does deadlifts while listening to John do curls and sing Macklemore at the top of his lungs. After ten minutes, concentration becomes completely impossible. Punk drops the bellbars and gets off the bench, then approaches John and without another word pulls down his shorts and starts jerking his cock. It takes about a minute for it to be sufficiently hard enough for Punk’s mouth, but once it is he sucks it down and starts blowing John, caring not if anyone else walks into the gym or if they were being watched. After a good ten minutes of hand and mouth play, Punk looks into his lover’s face, hoping for some hint of sheepish embarrassment. Cena doesn’t even look down. The idiot just keeps pumping his weights and singing, though now he has a dimpled grin on his face. Pissed off, Punk doubles down on the intensity of the blowjob, mentally calling him an annoying, smug piece of shit with every lick and hollowing of his cheeks. The singing changes pitch and tone as he comes and finally dies on a moan, and Punk feels the spasm, tastes the bittersweet slipperiness that equals orgasm. Punk finally lets go of John’s dick and looks back up into his beloved, stupid face. Cena grins and pushes back his Patriots hat. “…that was fucking awesome,” he flat lines, dropping the bells. “At least it shut you up,” Punk says, and mops the come from the tip of his nose. “Anything for a fan,” Cena grins. “Wanna do some deep bends?” He wiggles his eyebrow and cocks his head toward the sign a few feet behind him pointing the way to the shower room. “Is that what they call it on planet Fruit Loops?” Punk asks. He turns his iPod off before getting a kiss. “Yep. That’s how we say thank you in my strange, alien language.” John doesn’t even bother tucking his dick back into his shorts as he grabs his duffle and towel and splits. Punk quietly stockpiles a few witty rejoinders as he eagerly follows. ***** Ready to Ride, WWE, Nattie Neidhart/Stephanie McMahon, smirk ***** Chapter Summary Stephanie tries to figure out of Nattie really IS read to ride... Chapter Notes [NOTE: includes Total Divas canon but is, obviously, utterly fictional.] Nattie cringed as she walked into Stephanie’s office. Getting called up was never a good sign, especially this close to Raw, and she was fully prepared to be sent back to Florida in total disgrace. “Hi, Steph, I hope everything’s all right….” She trailed off as Stephanie spun her chair about. Her boss wore a see-through black lace bra…and a black harness and dildo. Nattie stood back and blinked, wondering if she’d somehow interrupted something major, but Stephanie swooped in to rescue her. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said in your message, Nattie. You seemed kind of eager to have a little fun. Am I right?” “Yes, Ms McMahon…” “I assure you I’ll be discreet. We wouldn’t want TJ to find out, would we?” She shook her head. “So,” Stephanie said, pulling out a large tube of Wet from the top drawer of her desk before rubbing a handful of it down the shaft of the dildo. “Are you still ready to ride?” Nattie just smirked and pulled down her panties. ***** The By-and-Bye, WWE, Shawn Michaels/Triple H, warm, heartbeat ***** Chapter Summary You try to tell him without trying... It’s never as simple as saying ‘I love you’ to somebody who knows how big of a shit you can be but will still fly all the way to Texas to slow-dance with you and then make love out in the wilderness on your birthday. He’s a city boy – back home he has more ties and tangles than you alone possess, with your legends contract, your almost-tween children, your hunting dogs and your fresh-killed deer in the garage freezer. But you both still make time, and he’s licking your skin, kissing your cock, telling you all about love without trying. ***** Touch Memory, WWE, Shawn Michaels/Triple H/Stephanie McMahon, synchronicity ***** Chapter Summary The ballet of their union, the beat of a heart keeping time. They move without thinking, without considering it, without even asking questions. Their hands are eager to be discovering, to be rid of the propriety of public mores. They are hands that know the roughness of plaid and the creamy ease of silk before discovering the rough edges of surgical scars, the tufts of graying hair, stretch marks that cut white lines through spray tans. Here’s a thinning patch of hair; there’s an eye that won’t twinkle just the way it used to. Their hearts still remember how they were and don’t care. The hands see the differences in the ballet, but the heart keeps its tempo. ***** If I Was Fearless (Could I Be Your Reckless Friend), Crossover, Brave/ Tangled, Merida/Rapunzel, escape, hero, adventure ***** Chapter Summary Rapunzel is rescued by Merida, but both find the elements a little rougher than they anticipated. Merida knew she would get away someday. It had been virtually guaranteed by the force of her will, a will that would not be bent when she turned eighteen and sailed away with a merchant trader to the far off sun kingdom of the Danes. She learns quickly to lie to her mum in her letters home. Merida’s accommodations are less than genteel. She lives over an inn among rough tradesmen and soldiers of fortune, and holds her own with fists of iron and a dagger at her belt. She and Angus race over the waving grass, going from helpless citizen to helpless citizen, taking on the mightiest challenges thrown her way. When she finds the long-abandoned tower with its missing stairs, she expects to find a plot of jewels, hidden in some lost crevice under a rotting floorboard or in a forgotten cupboard. But in the highest room, she finds a blonde girl with very long hair and a chameleon on her shoulder instead of gold, a girl so manipulated by mother that the idea of leaving home panics her. Merida’s no fool; she’s heard often about the missing princess. One and one makes one girl who’s been pent up for too long. It takes a long time for her to work her way into the girls’ good graces. She can hang her hat anywhere, but the girl needs all of the confidence she can scrape up. Eventually, she learns her name – Rapunzel. And she and the chameleon leave the tower with Merida for longer and longer intervals, until soon the tower is a blurry object in the far distance. Their first night alone in the forest it rains. Wide-eyed, Rapunzel backs up against a cedar tree and shivers her fear, her loneliness, pinking her skin. Merida brings a spare blanket, sheltering Angus and Pascal before slipping beneath it the opposite end. “If you’re a wee bit cold,” she says merrily, “you should say so. It’d be a fair bit better than freezing.” Rapunzel frowns and pulls the blankets higher, but Merida grins. She kisses the girl beneath her earlobe. “I’ll keep you warm, princess,” she promises. After another hour, Rapunzel cuddles against Merida’s side, the rough warmth of her cloak, and drifts away with her nails digging into Merida’s side. “Are you climbing rocks?” she asks the breeze. Only Angus is there to nicker a response before she, too, is claimed by sleep. ***** Third Wheel, The Venture Brothers, The Monarch/Dr. Girlfriend/ Henchman 21, middle-man ***** Chapter Summary They're one hell of a dynamite couple - which makes him feel like a third wheel.. Sheila is loud when she wants action. EXTREMELY loud, like, stereophonic. She literally calls him twenty-one in bed, and he half-wonders if the boss can hear her. She totally ripped the collar of his shirt during that kiss. Not that ol’ Malc has any idea what he’s doing at the moment. His knee is pressed into Gary’s face, and his fist is somewhere against his buttocks. No one warned him how difficult dping a gal would be – he’s holding the both of them up, and for a couple of skinny idiots they’re making his arm and his cock quiver about equally. They’re one hell of a dynamite combo, but he already knows that they won’t let anyone stay with them, not permanently, for risk that somebody else might latch onto the core of them, their true selves . He holds on and back by thinking of the future, with her breast in his mouth and Monarch’s hand on his ass. Even as they come together, he’s thinking of ways to tear them apart. ***** The Castaways, Disney Princesses, Ariel/Rapunzel, freedom, water ***** Chapter Summary Rapunzel finds a way to communicate with the mute guest of the Prince. Rapunzel took the first opportunity she had and ran, her bare feet blistering and her hair bleaching in the sunlight. She followed the coastline, past the village with its beautiful, hauntingly familiar palace to another palace on the sea, where her shivering body is warmed, her empty stomach filled, and her tired feet soothed. The queen of the household sat beside her for hours, talking excitedly, concerned about her feet, about what must have driven her from what was a comfortable place. Rapunzel could not bring herself to speak of Gothel, and so she said that her father had treated her cruelly, and she’d run off with her pet to find a new start. It was the queens’ idea to take her to the water, for them to swim, to soothe her aching feet. Every morning, every day, she exercises her blistered, bruised limbs, until she finds strength, the princess providing a guiding hand, guiding feet. She was so pretty, so elegant, that Rapunzel wished she could be more like her. She loved her more than any woman she’d ever been close to, but talking around her was hard. “You must really like the water,” she observed. The queen got a far-off look in her eyes, and “I used to,” she said. “I don’t think you should give up something you love,” said Rapunzel, paddling slowly. “Not for an instant.” The Queen bent to kiss her cheek as she passed by. “Thank you for being sweet,” she said. Rapunzel dunked herself underwater, trying to flush the heat out of her cheeks before climbing back onshore. ***** Too Easy, The Princess and the Frog, Charlotte La Bouff/Tiana, costumes ***** Chapter Summary The morning after, there are memories. And dress-up games! “Oh my! Just LOOK at these darling little shoes!” Tiana raises an eyebrow and tries to figure out how Lottie can be so blessedly casual about her own nudity. She watches Lottie’s bare bottom wiggle in the air as she reaches deeper into the old costume trunk where her nanny stored their play costumes so long ago. A gal goes to sleep for two seconds and she gets replaced by a bunch of old memories. Lottie lets out a shriek when Tiana gently whacks her on the bottom. “Youscaredmehalftodeathtia!” She clutches her bosom, her peachlike skin a torch in the low light of the bedroom. “Come back to bed,” she urges, cocking her head, tickling Tiana’s bared nipple. “I’m getting lonely just watching you go.” “I need my slippers!” She sashays back to the bed, sighing, the perfect halves of her bottom swaying as she goes, “I’ll catch my death like this.” “Then get back under the covers.” Tiana says, bouncing along behind her. Lottie turns, grinning as she flops into bed. “You’re so good at persuadin’,” she says. Tia shrugs, joins her. “It’s a gift.” ***** Chameleon Child, Evil Dead (2013), David Allen/Mia Allen, bare, cling, forehead kiss, hold me ***** Chapter Summary She begs him, eventually. Chapter Notes [WARNING: Incest] He still doesn’t know how she got him out of the woods. Time slams by in enormous chunks, and suddenly he’s back at the apartment with a broken collarbone and a criminal record. They still think he did it. Mia is the one who should be a fucking wreck, but instead she’s completely calm no matter what the world throws at them. She doesn’t even smoke anymore. Instead, she sits in a rocking chair and draws, waiting for a new foray out of the world. She doesn’t even have nightmares like his, about shooting Eric, dismembering Natalie, burning Olivia. He wakes up screaming and she’s there to kiss his forehead and sing him to sleep. Baby, little baby… One night he thrashes so violently that he rolls out of bed and onto his injured arm. Mia comes running, purring comfort, soothing him. When he rolls back into bed, she follows. The desperation in her embrace belies that cool phisod she’s displayed for so long. “Don’t leave me tonight,” she says into his neck. “Please? David? Please?” Then, into his ear, a siren’s whisper, “you need me, don’t you?” He kisses her then – her smoke-scented head, her eyelids, the corners of her once-scorched mouth, her chin, her chest, her round breasts and the firm, dark- rose nipples. “Oh God don’t stop. Don’t…Don’t stop.” He pushes and pushes, down the ivory body, to her navel, shivers and kisses her thigh, again and again and again. She screams just like she did when she tried to stab him. ***** Working Through Your Grief, Evil Dead (2013), David Allen/Eric/Mia Allen, survivors, clinging, spread legs, living together ***** Chapter Summary David is worried about Mia. But he's ALWAYS worried about Mia. Chapter Notes Warning: Contains Incest. David’s worried about Mia. Of course. Hey, Eric only survived being possessed, having his lung punctured and losing half of his spleen, but Mia stabbed the stupid dog so of COURSE she was freaked and the whole world had to stop for her. Eric was surprised, even now, by his own selfishness. It was what had doomed the girls back at the cabin, but it still clung to him like a rotten smell, keeping him bitter and angry. Because David was the one working to support the two of them while they healed, he turned it on Mia. He had always been there for her, babying her, trying to support her, dragging her from rehab to rehab. His tolerance had finally run thin. She needed to get up and stop smoking, staring out the window and scribbling in that pad of hers. Now. He finally approached her, glaring her down, and she lifted her eyes and raised an eyebrow at him. “Y’know, it was my idea to bury you.” He gestured with his broken hand. “Grateful. C’mon and get up off your butt.” She smiles and spreads her legs. “C’mon, Eric. I’m bored as hell.” She waves her stump at him. “And I’m still all phantom-handsy. Give me a little break.” “A break will make you think. Not-thinking isn’t your friend.” He pulled Mia to her feet. “ She grinned and wrapped an arm around his neck, kissing him. Eric pulled away after she wrapped his tongue around his. “Well…this is refreshing.” She gave him a crooked smile. “I don’t know what I’m going to do – or where this is going to go. I just don’t want to be alone anymore.” By the time David arrived, they were vigorously fucking cowgirl-style on the couch. “Gaah! What the hell are you doing?” She sprawled out over the cushions, firmly in full-on sarcasm mode. “Fucking. Come on, David, join in!” “Right,” David sat at the edge of the bed, morosely. “I hope you’re on six different pills because wow.” “Are you jealous?” Mia chuckled, brushing him with the healed end of her stump. “Ooooh!” she cackled when he dodged her. “You are soooo jealous!” “Mi, quit it,” he growled. “Nut up,” she said, “or shut up, baby.” David stood still, watching Mia, watching her move. His cock was in her mouth before the sun set. ***** the girls who play for fun, Chicago (2002 Movie), Billy Flynn/Mary Sunshine, exclusive ***** Chapter Summary Did this one reach for the gun? “So then,” Mary asked, her fingers rushing up and down his shaft, “what does Kitty have to say to her public? Does she regret the wickedness she wrought upon her husband on that cold Chicago night?” Billy tried to calm his choppy breathing enough to squeeze out words, feeling a momentary shock of amazement that Mary was paying attention to anything. She slid his prick between her breasts and started rising and falling, sliding it against her softness, her expression eager. “Young girls should stay away from liquor and from the temptations of sex.” Saying the word made him blow like Vesuvius all over her pancake makeup. She sat back, plucked a handkerchief from her purse, and mopped her face and chin. Then she calmly powdered her face. “Did this one reach for the gun?” ***** Stars Burning Bright, Bonnie and Clyde (2013), Bonnie Parker/Clyde Barrow, glamour, [any] ***** Chapter Summary You'd kill for anything, but I'd kill for you... Little Miss Bonnie Parker. What am I gonna do with you? You’re a star, baby. I watch you make your face up before you come to my bed like it’s nothing, then roll your stockings up and slide off the bed to spark more mayhem. You make love like an angel and you talk about being in the movies. You have a think for Jean Harlow, and you pretend you’re her when you’re tickling my pecker. But baby, there ain’t anyone who looks like you when you’re riding me raw, your eyes closed tight. Then you look away and say you want the stars to line your pocket. You wanna have so much money it’ll never run out. We kill for each other. You kill for the power. You keep looking for stars, but that’s all I see when I catch sight of you. ***** Conquest, Greek Mythology, Ares/Athena, war, flame ***** Chapter Summary Born to kill Maybe they were both born to kill. They had sprung, grown, with meat teeth and sharp wits, their senses honed for the vicious art of battle and conquest. High atop Olympus they clash and separate, clash and separate, their skin stinging from the impact, his cock aflame in the surcease of her ass, her sex, her mouth, his tongue licking flame streaks against her clit. In this biting, ripping, pleasure-pain filled world, there is no victor, no conquered victim; just two bodies trailing smoke along the beautiful night sky, their anger extinguished by the cool waters of their mutual release. ***** Brown Eyed Girl, Crossover, Burn Notice/The A-Team (2010), Hannibal Smith/Madeline Westen, smoke, childhood, regrets ***** Chapter Summary Hannibal and Madeline's shared teenage years, bittersweetly told from his POV. The first time he saw her, she was six years old, and he was barely five. She had a tricycle and he had a daisy, and when she fell off of it crying he was there to wipe her eyes, then make her smile with the flower. It became something of a pattern. From upset stomachs and bad report cards to bad dates and flat tires, he was always there, trying to make her laugh, mopping up her messes. All through highschool – while he plotted his escape – she plotted a marriage with Westen. He had bad feelings about the guy, but she was stubborn about it, so they talked about anything else that came to mind. When they were together, it was as if that Westen guy didn’t exist. It’s her fault he loves a good Cubana because she had a habit of stealing her father’s best cigars and smoking them on the roof early in the morning. He’d see her shining in the moonlight, her white nightgown fanned out about her bare feet, and climb outside to join her and talk about nothing. The summer after they finally graduated high school she told him that she wanted him to be the one, the ‘first’. Her fiancé didn’t want to deal with the hassle. Even if Frank Westen hadn’t been disinclined to cherry picking, Hannibal had a feeling Maddie just wanted to get the ordeal over with. He nonetheless gave his best to her, and she was properly appreciative of his tenderness and his passion. She came back to him the night after, and almost every day until his number came up in the draft and he was shipped off to Vietnam.   He has fond memories of a girl with platinum hair and a farmer’s tan, just over nineteen years old, lying sprawled on the tall grass out behind the football stadium with the neck of her shirt opened and her blouse untucked, reaching for his cock with two eager hands. All of her wanting, her emotion, meant nothing in the face of the tide of time and her commitment to Frank. On the road with his boys, far from the comfort of a woman’s companionship, he wondered if she still kept Reds in her purse, if she still smells like dime store baby powder, if she still scowls when she comes. No matter how she’s changed he sees her the way she was years ago. Still remembers her now, running through the fog-shrouded summer lawn, his flower tucked in her hair. ***** Poison and Lemonade, American Horror Story: Coven, Fiona Goode/Madison Montgomery, survive, drink, power ***** Chapter Summary Seducing Madison is an easy affair. Seducing Madison is an easy affair. The girl is undernourished in spirit as she is in body, and for all of her cynicism praise seems to be the one motivating factor in her life. So Fiona moans and rolls and squeaks and spasms and makes her believe herself indispensable, perfection, a sexual goddess. Surviving Madison is an even easier affair. Flies are much easier to draw with honey than vinegar, and there are quieter methods of murder than a quick slitting of the throat. And honey covers up the taste of pureed hemlock poured into a cup of post-coital lemonade. ***** Rock/Paper/Scissors, American Horror Story: Coven, Zoe Benson/Kyle Spencer/Madison Montgomery, compromise ***** Chapter Summary Madison's willing to share. Just a bit. “Do you want to play rock, paper, scissors for his cock?” Zoe cringes. “Cut it out.” She frowns at Kyle. “Do you think he can consent to this?” Madison raises an eyebrow. “Uh. Hello? Do you think I can?” Zoe shrugs awkwardly. “You could probably learn?” “How cute. Are you trainable, Zoe?” her blush made Madison grin. “This is going to be so much fun…” It’s not an ideal situation, but it’s the best either of them could hope for, and so they settled in, one hand upon his chilled cock, one foot cocked to the crook of his knee. ***** Fuck the Pain Away, American Horror Story: Coven, Zoe Benson/Madison Montgomery, shower ***** Chapter Summary Madison helps Misty after they get back to the Academy after the events of the house party. Chapter Notes WARNING: Rape Recovery/Mentions non-con Zoe finds her crying in the shower but she never finds out why. Madison tells her to shut up, pushes her back against the cold tiles, and shoves her tongue into Zoe’s mouth. She’s all underwater tastes and desperation; her nails pull and knead and cut the vulnerable parts of Zoe, as strongly as the pity that lashes away at her heart. There’s nothing specifically SEXY about the sex; it’s about pain management, palliative care. Washing the blood away alongside their cares. They scrub each other clean before leaving the room, but Zoe can still smell the animal on them. ***** Briny Depths, Les Miserables, Eponine/Cosette, crossdress, runaway ***** Chapter Summary Eponine disappears, only to be followed by Cosette. Nobody goes looks for Eponine when she leaves Paris. She finds a ship willing to sponsor a hard-working deckhand, and manages to convince them to teach her how to write in English. It’s a pleasant trip, as far as she’s concerned. It becomes far less pleasant when they find a fair-haired stowaway in a pair of castoff pants hiding among tangles of rope below deck. When Eponine vouches for Cosette she’s put to work in the kitchens, scrubbing and chopping for the deck hands, growing lean and wary in her work. It’s a long time before they meet and speak and At the prow of the boat they stand and watch the water slap against the figurehead. “Why did you come?” Eponine asks. “It was lonely without Marius,” she confesses. And then, quietly, “I missed you.” Eponine doesn’t flinch when Cosette’s newly-tanned fingers wrap round the span of her wrist. There was a world across the warm, blue ocean that they would soon find and claim for their own. ***** Rest in Peace, Dani California – Red Hot Chili Peppers (Song): Dani California/Any, priestess ***** Chapter Summary It was the wrong death. She had a hard whiskey smile, teeth that sunk heavily into her bottom lip and eyes that flashed whenever she laughed. She’d spent half of her life running off to fight – first it was her father and his bullshit rules, then it was the people in the group home. She got sick of trying to do right but doing wrong hurt more than she’d planned. So she eked out a life from robberies and trailer park living, socializing with anyone and anyone she pleased to. She was a hell of a lover, and she didn’t make a big deal out of sex when it happened. She was skilled, adept, shameless. When she’d come she’d bellow like a wounded tiger and throw her arms into the air, free as girl printed on a block of acid-blotter . She was their guru and giving her a child was a high gift indeed. But there was so much more to her than her sex. Anyone that pure was bound to be tainted, and her insouciance was only a front, anyway. In Dakota they shot her down, but in the deep south she’ll lie, a little blond spit of a girl. She was wearing her old Sunday Meeting dress and a crown of crushed flowers. They outta give her a Viking funeral but death had finally healed the gap in the family; she lay with her mother’s people instead, in the swampy earth. It was the wrong death. She should have gone down in a warm wreath of flames. ***** Mirrors of Each Other (Passing By), Disney Princesses, Beast/Belle/ Rapunzel, castle, shy ***** Chapter Summary Her prince does not share easily... Her prince does not share easily. Belle battles his possessiveness in playful ways. Teasing the Princess of Corona is one of them. The girl calls so many old memories to Belle’s mind; her cloistered state early in their relationship, her ability to entertain herself with so little. She wants to pay tribute to that bravery, and so she talks her prince into sharing their chamber for just one night. They call her into the privacy of their chamber after supper, and she hovers tentatively by the doorway soon after they themselves had left the ball. Belle smiles and sits up, straddling his lap, burnished upon the burnished fur of her husband. “Come on,” Belle says, “don’t’ be shy.” Rapunzel, they discover, is never entirely immodest – but she does have a way of inspiring bravery in others. ***** Naughty Boy, How I Met Your Mother, Ted/Robin, naughty, Christmas ***** Chapter Summary "Ted, you've been a very naughty boy.." It’s Christmas time, and the snow’s a sheet of blessed white purity outside their window. Ted knows what Robin likes with her cocoa – a shot of whiskey and a backrub. Then he nibbles his way down the back of her neck and across, rolling her over for a kiss, then burying his face between her breasts. He’s about to tell her that he’s hot for her, that he’s ready to ram his candy cane into her warm stocking. Then her Mrs. Claus voice bursts forth in a plummy gout and extinguishes the mood. “Ted, you’ve been a very naughty boy.” ***** Fleeting, Les Miserables, Eponine Thenardier/Jean Valjean, hide, gentle ***** Chapter Summary He finds her shivering. He finds her shivering in an alley after the fireworks have ended. So much like Marius in her total vulnerability, and yet he’s known this child for so many years that his heart aches to shelter her. No…she is no child now. And she watches him move with a newborn curiosity that cannot be anything but satiated by the morning light. She remarks upon the silkiness of the sheets before she does anything more. Then he kisses her fingertips as a gentleman should, her neck, her breasts, her waif-thin body. Her protests, his demons, flow away, fleeting like morning birds. ***** Do It Right, Wreck-It Ralph, Calhoun/Felix, tender, relax ***** Chapter Summary The guy knows how to treat his gal. The guy knows how to treat his gal. It’s the whole can-do attitude, the will-fix-or-bust ways. He’ll study a problem, talk it out with her – and bring her scotch and cigars after a long day. She’d chosen well, quite well. Felix is an attentive, intelligent and intuitive lover. Whoever schooled that boy before she got to him deserved a medal of honor. His passion had bred passion in her, and he received every ounce of her passion in return. If she has a single complaint, it would be about that hammer of his. She knows he loves it, but wearing it to bed was a little bit much. ***** You Love Who You Love, Ash Williams/Sheila, love, fireplace ***** Chapter Summary He must love her, he's built a fire. He must love her. He’s built a fire. Built a fire completely naked, mind you. She knows how he feels about getting “Sir Happy” so close to an open flame, but he’s cursing at the spitting coals and rubbing his metal fingers against his bare left hand. She sighs at his antics and parts the sheets for him as he rolls into bed and presses himself, steamy, hairy, and grinning, against her bare, pale belly. “Where’s my reward?” She rolls her eyes and kisses his lips anyway. He’s loved. ***** Bull’s-Eye, Evil Dead Trilogy/Evil Dead (2013), Ash Williams/Mia Allen, aim, team, blood ***** Chapter Summary "I'M the asshole?" “Asshole? Really? I’M the asshole?” Ash’s eyebrow bobbled heavenward but he was a littleebusy cleaning his chainsaw, too busy to fight off her accusations. Mia stomped over the bloody, mud-covered ground in her borrowed hiking boots, glaring murderously and trying to balance her shotgun on her shoulder. “I had the guy! He was right in my sights and you stuck your nose in!” “I was trying to stop you from blowing your own head off!” The glare grew sharper. “The angle was all off! A little more to the right and you would’ve got him.” “Whatever. I’m soaked, covered in blood and I’ve got a piece of thigh bone stuck behind my ear. I wanna go home.” “And I wanna be under a Playboy Bunny,” Ash replied. “But we’re goin’ nowhere til this is over.” Mia glared. “A Playboy Bunny?” HE squirmed. “I didn’t mean anything by it…” “…How much have I sacrificed for you since YOU pulled me through that stupid time loop? And you’d rather get fucked by a Playboy Bunny?” “Geez, pipe the hell down, they’ll send scouts to find us!” He pulled her around a stone wall for protection. “PIPE. DOWN,” she growled. “Do you want me to be quiet, Ash? Do you really?” “Uhh….” He began, but was silenced by her quickly pinning him to the wall. With her free hand, she grabbed him by the fly and zipped him down. “Are you gonna check your frame?” She rolled her eyes and pulled out his cock. “Bullseye.” End Notes 56: Optioning Out, The Bold and the Beautiful, Hope Logan/Stephanie "Steffy" Forrester, Forget Liam (Incest) 57: Living For The Night, Boy Meets World, Shawn Hunter/Angela Moore, kiss, hands, smile 58: Scars, Dogfight, Eddie/Rose, homecoming 59: The Fourth Annual Moonlighting Porn Battle Fic, Moonlighting, Maddie Hayes/David Addison, lipstick, argument 60: Feckless, Gavin and Stacey, Stacey/Nessa, yo Stace 61: Meltzeriffic, WWE, AJ Lee/Stephanie McMahon, giggle, strap-on 62: A Deal, WWE, AJ Lee/CM Punk/John Cena, compromise 63: Pumping, WWE, CM Punk/John Cena, workouts, tease 64: Ready to Ride, WWE, Nattie Neidhart/Stephanie McMahon, smirk 65: The By-and-Bye, WWE, Shawn Michaels/Triple H, warm, heartbeat 66: Touch Memory, WWE, Shawn Michaels/Triple H/Stephanie McMahon, synchronicity 67: If I Was Fearless (Could I Be Your Reckless Friend), Crossover, Brave/Tangled, Merida/Rapunzel, escape, hero, adventure 68: Third Wheel, The Venture Brothers, The Monarch/Dr. Girlfriend/ Henchman 21, middle-man 69: The Castaways, Disney Princesses, Ariel/Rapunzel, freedom, water 70: Too Easy, The Princess and the Frog, Charlotte La Bouff/Tiana, costumes 71: Chameleon Child, Evil Dead (2013), David Allen/Mia Allen, bare, cling, forehead kiss, hold me (Incest) 72: Working Through Your Grief, Evil Dead (2013), David Allen/Eric/ Mia Allen, survivors, clinging, spread legs, living together (Incest) 73: the girls who play for fun, Chicago (2002 Movie), Billy Flynn/ Mary Sunshine, exclusive 74: Stars Burning Bright, Bonnie and Clyde (2013), Bonnie Parker/ Clyde Barrow, glamour, [any] 75: Conquest, Greek Mythology, Ares/Athena, war, flame 76: Brown Eyed Girl, Crossover, Burn Notice/The A-Team (2010), Hannibal Smith/Madeline Westen, smoke, childhood, regrets 77: Poison and Lemonade, American Horror Story: Coven, Fiona Goode/ Madison Montgomery, survive, drink, power 78: Rock/Paper/Scissors, American Horror Story: Coven, Zoe Benson/ Kyle Spencer/Madison Montgomery, compromise 79: Fuck the Pain Away, American Horror Story: Coven, Zoe Benson/ Madison Montgomery, shower (Rape Recovery) 80: Briny Depths, Les Miserables, Eponine/Cosette, crossdress, runaway 81: Rest in Peace, Dani California – Red Hot Chili Peppers (Song): Dani California/Any, priestess 82: Mirrors of Each Other (Passing By), Disney Princesses, Beast/ Belle/Rapunzel, castle, shy 83: Naughty Boy, How I Met Your Mother, Ted/Robin, naughty, Christmas 84: Fleeting, Les Miserables, Eponine Thenardier/Jean Valjean, hide, gentle 85: Do It Right, Wreck-It Ralph, Calhoun/Felix, tender, relax 86: You Love Who You Love, Ash Williams/Sheila, love, fireplace 87: Bull’s-Eye, Evil Dead Trilogy/Evil Dead (2013), Ash Williams/Mia Allen, aim, team, blood   This fanfiction uses characters from Various Canons, all of whom are the property of their Respective Owners. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention. Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!