Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11228400.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Dear_Evan_Hansen_-_Pasek_&_Paul/Levenson
  Relationship:
      Connor_Murphy/Zoe_Murphy
  Character:
      Zoe_Murphy, Connor_Murphy
  Additional Tags:
      Incest, Incestuous_relationship, Zoe_POV, im_going_to_hell, theyre_both
      messed_up, Manipulation, Underage_-_Freeform, Swearing, inappropriate
      language, whatever, you_asked_for_this_you_sinners
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-06-11 Words: 1448
****** Don't Say It Wasn't True ******
by orphan_account
Summary
     there were some things that zoe wanted to forget, she concludes, four
     months after connor kills himself, but he isn't a single one of them
Zoe remembers him in clarity.
He is vivid in her memories and in her dreams.
He is the ghost that presses her arm, the phantom feeling of skin on her skin,
the tear tracks on her cheeks.
Zoe remembers a lot about Connor.
Zoe wishes she could forget half of it.
There was a time when he was out of control. That was worth remembering.
"I can't believe this." He'd whispered, leaning against the wall, knees pulled
up to his chest. "Why would he think...?"
Zoe sat at the end of the bed, unsure as to how exactly to comfort him. Unsure
as to whether he wanted to be comforted.
"It's not the end of the world." She'd told him. "Grandma sent you money - you
could buy the book yourself-"
"That's not the point, Zo." Connor had interrupted, and pulled his hands away
from his face.
Oh, she remembers thinking, he really is upset.
His hands clenched in the bedsheets, angry and tight, knuckles going a
startling shade of pale before Zoe moved to have him release them, relax them.
"Then what is?" Her voice was soft as she moved to sit beside him, smoothing
her thumb over the back of his hand.
"It's a gift, Zoe. He didn't think that maybe he should give me something I
wanted. He thought 'I'll give him something manly, man him up, who wants to
read books when you could be playing baseball and having sex'."
"That's not what he thought." Zoe said firmly and he turned to her with a tired
look in his eyes (that look still haunted her today).
"Isn't it?" Connor asked, and reached his hand to cover her own. "Zoe."
She shook her head and kissed his cheek. "It won't be like this forever."
"You don't know that." Connor sighed.
Zoe frowned, moving to sit in front of him, holding his hands in hers. "You're
right," she agreed, and squeezed his hands. "I don't. But I do know that you'll
get through it, even if it does go on like this forever."
For the first time that day, Connor smiled at her. Zoe smiled back,
reassuringly. Let him draw her into an embrace that was warm and tight.
"What would I do without you, Zo?" He asked her, and she shrugged in response.
She felt Connor's huff of a laugh in her hair.
"Who knows?" Zoe said, and pulled away just to see him smile.
It was small, but it was there. And then, Connor tugged gently on her hands and
Zoe leaned in to kiss him.
It wasn't like they hadn't done that before. They'd always been close, maybe a
little too affectionate as kids. They kept it on the down-low, then. It was
easier that way.
Something was different that time, though. Zoe knew that as she released his
hands and placed them gently on his shoulders.
His hands moved cautiously to her waist and Zoe moved to place herself in his
lap, giving them an easier position to kiss in.
It was a little strange that Connor moved to put his hands on her thighs, where
her skirt was riding up a bit, but Zoe really didn't mind. She frowned a little
when he moved his hands under her skirt.
"Connor?" Zoe asked and he looked up at her, face open.
"If you want me to stop..." He said, and it was with that voice that was
completely earnest.
"No, don't...worry about it." She said, in return, and he nodded, continuing
his journey.
Zoe gasped minutely when he pressed a finger to her panties and he looked up,
as if to see if she was hurt.
Connor blinked at her and licked his lips, "Is this okay?"
"Yeah, it's, uh, it's more then okay, could you...?"
Zoe didn't quite remember what happened between then and when she was on her
back, skirt pushed up her waist, while Connor leaned over her, kissing her and
fingering her open.
She didn't know and she didn't care because it was happening and it felt good
and nothing had ever felt this good before and she wondered if there was a way
to feel like this forever, because there could be nothing in this world that
was better than this.
"I...I want..." He had murmured against her lips, pushing his thumb against
something that made Zoe's back arch.
"Okay," she'd panted back, hardly in the mood to discourage him. "Whatever you
want, okay."
And Zoe remembers feeling confused at how he pulled away from her, entirely,
only to see him reaching over to her bedside table, where the rejected presents
had been.
Oh, she had thought, oh.
Connor shucked his pants to the floor and Zoe ripped the condom open for him,
and when everything was in place, he paused.
"Tell me to stop, if you need me to." Connor had said, and Zoe had nodded,
letting him lay her down on her pillows.
Her hands clenched in the bedsheets as he slowly pushed in, and she tipped her
head back to let out ragged breaths.
It twinged a little, but not enough to actually bemoan it.
He settled there for a moment and gave her a surveying look.
Connor was glowing.
Zoe guessed this was how she was making up for his horrible birthday; making
use of an ill-timed present.
"Can I go?" Connor asked her and Zoe pulled her knees up beside his hips, feet
planted on the mattress.
"Yeah, yeah, please." She replied and he kissed her as he pulled out.
It was slow, and as much as that was nice, it wasn't good enough.
Zoe reached up and grabbed hold of some of the hair at the back of his neck.
"How about faster, huh?" She had suggested in a breathless voice, and Connor
had kissed her with a grin, reaching down with one hand to steady her hips and
thrust faster.
"Yes, yes, please, good." Zoe had moaned, twisting both hands in his hair, and
feeling his hips begin to stutter from their steady pace.
"Oh, Zoe." Connor had moaned and then he shuddered all over, face betraying
everything.
He pulled out after that and disposed of the condom, pulling off his shirt.
Connor lay down beside her, glowing like the sun. "That was..." He trailed off,
smiling at the ceiling.
"It was alright." Zoe said, and rolled over to find her panties. It was a
little anticlimactic, in her opinion, and judging by Connor's reaction, either
she was missing something, or he was terribly easy to please in the sex
department.
"Huh?" Was his response.
"I mean, it wasn't great, but it was alright, so yeah. I don't get the hype."
She'd responded, standing up on vaguely wobbly legs.
Connor gave her a confused look from the bed and then his face cleared with
recognition.
"Zoe, have you ever..." He looked down at the sheets and blushed, and Zie had
no idea why, because what modesty was left in this room? "Have you ever
masturbated?"
She flushed. "No. Why would I?"
Connor bit his lip. "Alright, well, um. Sit down on the bed, again. Okay?"
Zoe rolled her eyes and say down against the pillows. Connor got up from the
bed and shook his head.
"No, the edge of the bed, with our legs dangling or whatever."
She shuffled across the sheets, and sat on the edge of the bed.
Connor dropped to his knees in front of her, face determined.
"Connor?" She asked, but he didn't answer, just pushed her thighs open and
pulled her closer. "What are you...?"
Zoe gasped, loud enough to echo around her room, when he pressed his mouth
against her cunt, and reacted down with both hands to bury themselves in his
hair.
"Oh, Jesus," she whispered, and jerked as he moved his tongue across it. He
fucked her on his tongue and pressed his teeth to her clit, and Zoe put her
fist in her mouth to muffle her moans as she came.
Her fingers ached at how hard she had held him as she came down and slumped to
the mattress.
Connor sat down next to her, having pulled his briefs back on.
"How was that? Better than alright?" He had inquired in an almost teasing
voice.
"Now I get the hype," Zoe had said and grabbed the back of his neck to drag him
down and kiss her.
She could taste something heady on his tongue and realised, with a jolt, that
that was her.
There were some things that Zoe wanted to forget, she concludes, four months
after Connor kills himself, but he isn't a single one of them.
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