Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5611243.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, F/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Erwin_Smith, Levi/Eren_Yeager, Marie/Erwin_Smith, Levi_&_Erwin
      Smith, Levi_&_Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Levi, Erwin_Smith, Eren_Yeager, Marie_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Krista_Lenz_|
      Historia_Reiss, Hange_Zoë
  Additional Tags:
      Unhealthy_Relationships, Blood_and_Gore, Dubious_Consent, Alternate
      Universe_-_Post-Titans, Abuse, no_this_is_not_a_"erwin_is_the_bad_guy_and
      eren_heals_levi's_ouchy"_kind_of_thing
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-09-10 Words: 8150
****** Deadnettle ******
by fangirl_feminista
Summary
     The case report was graphic and emotionless. For the first time, Levi
     saw scientific curiosity fail Hanji. She looked at Levi like she
     couldn’t recognize him.
     [The tale goes like this: the fearless, noble heroes of the Scouting
     Legion vanquished the mighty villainous titans. Levi knows another
     story, and there is no hero in this one.]
Notes
     Listen:
     Deadnettle_|_An_Attack_on_Titan_Fanmix from fangirl_feminista on
     8tracks_Radio.
     The end notes contain the spoilery tags.
“C’mon, just once! Give us a one little kiss!”
Marie’s lips are bright red and smiling, her hazel eyes shining under the
chandelier lights. Surrounded by a hundred bejeweled noblewomen in a royal
affair, no one would spare her a second glance. Except that beside her is the
celebrated Erwin Smith, who easily stands out from all the noblemen.
Her escort moves between her and the military police captains. “Now, now. Is
that any way to talk to a lady?” Erwin says evenly. Anyone with an ounce of wit
would sense that this is the time to back off. Unfortunately, the MP does not
belong to this category.
“Oh, Erwin. We all know I’m no lady,” Marie chides him, her smile unfazed. With
the same cheery voice, she says to their companions, “Is that any way to talk
to your former commander’s widower?”
After the men walk away, Marie snorts loudly. “This party is bull. Where the
hell is Hanji and why were we talking to those idiots instead of her? That lot
is all bark and no balls. Their bawdy grins died as fast as the MP die when
facing the titans.”
“Marie,” Erwin says sternly. “Your husband was their commander.”
“And as stupid as them,” she counters bluntly. “The bastard was noble, at
least. Fat lot of good that did us.”
Erwin knows there is nothing good he could say, so he just wraps his remaining
arm around her waist. Marie sighs in resignation. “Well, what can I do? You’re
all honorable idiots.”
Honor?Erwin blinks twice, his stride missing a beat. He is momentarily confused
by the misplaced admiration in Marie’s gaze. Oblivious to his unease, Marie
rolls her eyes and adds, “That goes for all the men I love.”
It almost sounds foreign to Erwin’s ears. He shakes the discomfort off. For as
long as he can remember, he’s been content with something much less than love,
with someone much simpler than a beautiful woman with a future.
“I—“ Erwin swallows his hesitation. “I love you too.”
The commander of the recon corps couldn’t have things like honor or love. It’s
wasn’t such a stretch to apply the same to the squad leaders, to the captains,
to the recruits, to the urchins at the fringes of the legion.
Now strength, strength was good. If so, there was nothing better than
humanity’s strongest. He chose his closest ally well. But that was a long time
ago, when he wore Erwin’s uniform and Erwin’s wings and Erwin’s desire. In a
bleached titan skin suit, draped with a famed cloak as black as the crevices of
his mind, he has become Levi Ackerman. His best soldier now stands by his
rightful place—the Queen’s side. The monarchy has need of him, and Erwin no
longer does.
Then what else is it? When those lifeless gray eyes follow him the entire
night, and he gets an erection, what would that be called? It’s because Erwin
is the man he is, and Levi has changed but not really, because his chapped lips
part and he mouths—
Liar.
Erwin’s answering glare sends shivers down Levi’s spine. Will anyone notice
that his cloak is not fluttering from the wind? The commander never needs to do
or say anything—with one withering look, Levi immediately understands that he’s
no more than the filth Erwin picked up from the Underground.
But also no less than the filth who broke him, flayed him, and sent him to
hell.
“The titans have nothing on you, Commander,” Levi had said under his breath so
many nights before, his hands splayed on Erwin’s bare chest. He was a vulture
attracted by the scent of death. “Humans have nothing on you.”
He confirmed what Erwin had always known—he was special. It was all he could
ever be. A lion does not cry out, not when all his limbs are trapped in a
snare, not when a paring knife slips between his skin and muscle, not when a
predator stares hungrily at his wounds.
Levi looked up at him with eyes alight. Erwin could see in his stare that he
was remembering his friends’ severed head and shredded bowels. Levi slid his
tongue across the cut, relishing each red drop. Erwin watched on, his pupils
dilated with feverish excitement. Levi dug two perfectly filed nails into the
wound. “Monster.”
Erwin started screaming.
Maybe he was just plain crazy. Nile himself had questioned the state of his
mind, given the choice he had made on their rivalry. Of course, Nile had been
the same, until Marie came in and her stubby fingers stitched him into a normal
person. Before Erwin’s heart could go into lockdown, it was too late. The two
were married, Marie was heavy with child, and Erwin realized exactly what shade
of fucked up he was to choose truth over life. He was never one to regret his
choices anyway; the only way was forward.
The only way was forward, running on madness, dropping down on his knees,
sinking to the depths of the mountain of corpses he’s built.
“Do you think they find us tasty anyway?” Levi asked one time. They were lying
by the grassy riverbanks near an abandoned castle, regrouping after another
decimating expedition. “They don’t need the fucking nutrients, why would they
eat us otherwise?”
Erwin didn’t have the answers, and he doubted that Levi cared. His newly-
appointed captain turned over, leaning towards him. “How do you think you would
taste?”
“Like normal,” the words rolled out of Erwin’s lips before he could think
better of them. “Like human.”
Levi slapped him so hard that Erwin could taste blood. Small hands cradled his
head, smoothing his hair back and caressing him until the ringing in his skull
stopped. “And me?” Levi asked without inflection. “How do you think I’d taste
when you feed me to the titans?”
Like poison. Instead, Erwin replied that he would rather it be him than some
dumb titan. Levi stripped him and sunk his teeth into his flesh, counting to 36
devoured comrades. At some point, Erwin began thinking Levi would eat him right
there, and leave his naked mangled corpse for the corps to see.
His men might be happy to see that.
The welcome Shiganshina District gave them was as harrowing as the sendoff. The
soldiers covered in grime and bloody bandages and the mutilated corpses piled
high on a cart were heralded with contempt. But there was a more disquieting
undercurrent—terror.  The young ones wept, fearing for their own lives,
demanding to be protected from the monsters beyond the walls.
The real monster is within the walls, and I can’t protect you from him.
The old ones begged for their children, and then for their children’s bodies,
and then for blood. The wives tore at their hair and gnashed their teeth,
growling with a ferocity greater than that of titans. Every scuffle and
disgruntled mumbling in the crowd was treacherous. A single spark would set it
all ablaze.
Many a night had Erwin dreamt of a rioting mob collapsing on him, ripping his
flesh and bones apart. Even as he drowned in cold sweat, shivering violently in
the midst of summer, he would still be gripped by fascination. The thought
would come unbidden whenever Levi’s teeth were tearing on his skin.
“I don’t need a hero,” Levi said as he unfastened Erwin’s gear. His fingers
were quick and steady, and the way they skimmed over Erwin’s clothes made his
knees weak. Levi always took his time folding all their discarded clothes
before he got on the bed. Erwin sighed in relief as Levi’s weight pressed
against his erection. His heart calmed as those strong legs trapped him in
place. Levi unclasped his commander’s bolo tie and put it on himself.
“I just need you.” It sounded like comfort to Erwin’s ears. And then Levi would
dig his strong fingers around Erwin’s neck. He could borrow the cravat if he
needed to, but only if Levi thought the bruises were bad enough to warrant it.
Things were perfectly wrong the way they were, but there’s always a wrench in
the plan. Commander Erwin Smith, of all people, should be used to dealing with
the unexpected.
Erwin was oddly fixated on naming the color of his eyes. They seemed to change
with the angles of sunlight, with the tides of his temper. Erwin was not blind.
He could see that something was changing in the Recon Corps. The troops were as
sullen as ever, cynical as suicidal zealots could be, but when they looked at
Eren, when Levi looked at Eren—
He thought jealousy was reserved for normal people.
At any case, it’s the biggest break he’d ever had, and Erwin was never happier.
It was the closest to the truth as he’d come. Nothing was too precious to
sacrifice in their next expedition. The price crushed Erwin as always, and Levi
like never before. No one was able to save his squad, not their stellar titan
slaying skills, not their precious corporal, and certainly not hope of humanity
Eren Jager.
Levi appeared in Erwin’s room that night.
It wasn’t the first time that Levi needed him, but Erwin felt an overwhelming
sense of power as his fist connected with Levi’s torso. Levi fell on the
hardwood floor with a satisfying groan of agony. He coughed in pain as Erwin
tore his clothes off. The blows came in systematic and controlled succession,
drowning all the thoughts in Levi’s head. When his vision cleared, Erwin was
thrusting into him like the titans are coming to end humanity. Levi pulled him
up to thank him with a kiss, and Erwin rewarded him with the most beautiful
smile he had ever seen.
What he saw in Erwin’s eyes wasn’t happiness, so much as a sick glee. Levi
didn’t have anyone else to come to anymore. No one understood him like Erwin
had, anyway.
As the next months battered humanity, Erwin kept Levi in his trusted circle. He
had been nothing but a loyal subordinate and a brusquely caring friend outside
of their liaisons. As Erwin hung chained in his dark cellar, awaiting a mock
trial that would most likely end with him swinging in the gallows, he could
only think of Levi’s face. All of his principles seemed so far away. He was
nothing more than the animal Levi saw in him. If his captain was there, surely
he would rescue him. Or he would finish Erwin off himself. The vision terrified
him more than death. When he cried for mercy, the guards laughed at him,
thinking it was them he was beseeching.
Nile was the only friendly visitor he had, if one could extend friendly
behavior to include accusations of being batshit crazy. Erwin thought Marie,
when he’d long revoked his right to say her name. Erwin thought her children,
when he had orphaned so many children in his crusades. He realized then that
they’re the only ones still anchored to the bit of humanity left inside him.
After all was said and done, and there was no more need for a suicidal leader
in the Scouting Legion, Erwin’s feet took him to the Doks’ door. Marie’s red-
lipped smile was gone, replaced a bloodless, quivering grimace. She was clad in
all-black, which she’d said all those years ago was “never my color”. All three
children were standing by her and crying the tears of those who just figured
out how cruel the world was. It wasn’t pity, or friendship, or chivalry that
pinned Erwin in place. It was hope.
Erwin should’ve gone back to where he truly belonged—in his chains. But he
thought that even a monster is a better guardian than a flag-covered coffin.
Nile might have had peace in rest, but the legacy of his honor had left his
family with bitter enemies. There were many arrangements needed to secure their
position.
On the seventh week, he came back to the headquarters to find Levi’s quarters
completely empty. Even in his panicked delirium, Erwin knew the simple fact
that soldiers’ tongues loosen with alcohol. There was hardly any need for it
anyway. In the days that he’d been preoccupied, rumors spread that Levi was
preparing to be the Queen’s personal protector. It made perfect sense to anyone
that humanity’s strongest would make the best Commander of the Queensguard.
Her Highness received him herself. Standing beside her throne was Levi, clad in
a bleached titan skin suit and a raven black cloak. Erwin fell on one knee and
gave a firm salute. When he lifted his head, Levi was looking at him like it
was just another night in his quarters, like it was only the two of them in the
world. For a moment, Erwin’s mind went completely blank.
Queen Historia broke through his reverie, offering to knight him into her
Queensguard in a majestic ceremony with both the nobles and the masses in
attendance. Erwin had foreseen the invitation. He imagined serving under
Commander Levi Ackerman, being subjected to his absolute authority for the rest
of his life. Erwin almost said yes, but he touched his amputated arm and knew
that would’ve been a mistake. The Queen nodded sympathetically and turned to
her sworn shield with a knowing glance.
“He has a family to take care of, Your Grace,” Levi said evenly, his eyes
burning through Erwin.
Erwin was escorted out of the castle, a convenient excuse for elite soldiers to
convince him of the Queen’s proposal. Surely, even with the damages he’d
sustained, his brilliant strategic mind would serve the royalty well? Erwin
politely declined over and over, not even listening to their arguments. His
mind was already drifting to where it had always belonged.
The new commander’s quarters was larger but looked exactly the same as the last
one. Levi looked at him with baleful eyes, but Erwin stood his ground. He would
take all that Levi would hurl on him and abandon all his right to self-defense.
Levi could’ve said, “Let’s just forget this ever happened”. Better, “This is
our chance to start anew”. But he had never been a very good liar. That part
was reserved for Erwin Smith. After minutes of complete silence, the ex-
commander finally understood this.
“Our comrades are starting the lives they never thought they could have,” Erwin
said. “We’ve been living like there’s no tomorrow. Now is our chance to live
like there’s a future.”
Erwin sincerely believed those words, of course. He was quite used to fooling
himself with his own lies. Levi tried to picture Marie standing by him as he
said these things. Erwin loved her before he’d ever stepped on the Underground.
Even so, Levi hadn’t particularly resented Marie. If anything, he was
fascinated by her warm, crooked smile, the curves she hid under practical
clothes, the way she turned her plain but pleasant face at the call of mother.
She even looked a bit like Kuchel.
This world was not made for people like that. When Levi’s mother died, she’d
looked like a monster sucked the life out of her. Levi tried to imagine how
Marie would look like in Kuchel’s place.
“Levi.” Erwin’s voice rung with finality. He held his remaining hand out. Levi
had always known he and Erwin would end in goodbye, he just hadn’t expected
their separation to be bloodless, so normal.
He took the outstretched hand and brought it to his lips. Then, he ran his
tongue along Erwin’s ring finger. The slight indentation near his first knuckle
told Levi that a ring was hiding somewhere in Erwin’s pockets.
If you gave me half of what you’re giving her, I could love you.
“You’ve made your choice. Don’t regret it,” Levi ordered with no inflection.
Levi was given twenty soldiers to train in the Queensguard. Soon they all
despised him with a passion. Erwin could outdo all of you combined, Levi
thought wryly. He hates me more than all of you combined too.
Levi missed him terribly.
The unbearable heat of the sun, the blue of the summer sky, the miserly rain
that gives futile hope. Of course a monster could take many forms. Every waking
moment was Erwin’s afterimage branded on his mind. Levi would remind himself
that relief was coming at night, only to remember that no, it wasn’t. So it
would be two in the morning and Levi would be doing push-ups until the sun
peeked over the horizon and bathed his unconscious body with light.
So when Erwin emerged from one of Castle Reiss’s hidden passageways, Levi
laughed like a madman.
There was blood on his hands, and not metaphorically this time. One look into
his wild eyes and Levi knew. Erwin had done something that made him regret his
choice and he’d come crawling back to his captor’s arms. Every inch of Levi’s
skin trembled with revulsion. He could not stand the sight of Erwin, the man
who had once been his commander. He couldn’t believe he once thought he was
pursuing a future that Levi could not see. And he couldn’t forgive himself for
deciding to follow him.
Erwin Smith was so weak.
“Save me,” he moaned like a dying animal. A dying monster. Erwin threw himself
at Levi’s feet pressed his lips to the cold floor. “Levi, I lo—”
Levi slammed his door shut.
Erwin’s guttural roar rang inside Levi’s bones. “Mercy,” he cried desperately.
“I’m begging you. Have mercy on me.”
Like you had mercy on me?
Erwin was banging against the door so hard that the entire frame shuddered.
Levi’s eyes widened when he heard Erwin’s weight crash against the surface. The
lower hinge gave immediately. “You’re the commander now. You’re humanity’s
strongest.” Another thud, and the wood began to chip off. “Why aren’t you
happy?” Erwin wailed from outside. “Levi!”
The door came crashing inside Levi’s quarters, and along with it came his
intruder. Erwin fell crumpled on the floor, heaving like he’s running out of
oxygen.
“I hurt her,” he said as if to himself. The sobs that racked his whole body
made his words almost incoherent. “I loved her. But I hated her. Why did I hurt
her?”
Levi was thrown and horrified by the hysteria in his eyes. Erwin was never
disturbed about inflicting and receiving pain. Levi thought he understood the
simple fact that life meant exactly that. Had it all been a lie? Was Erwin
innocent all along?
No. It was Marie who blinded him.
Levi knelt beside him and held his bloody hands. “Don’t,” he hushed Erwin
tenderly, holding the pieces together until Erwin could pretend that he was
whole. The marching beat in his chest gradually abated. He was following the
rhythm of Levi’s breathing, latching onto him like a forsaken child. Levi
longed to discipline him.
This is what you get for wandering off. You need me.
“Don’t regret who you are. That’s just how you are, Erwin,” Levi assured him
before drawing blood from his lips. “You hurt the things that you love.”
In time, Erwin had come to know all the secrets of Castle Reiss. He could buy
anything with charm and a glib tongue, including nightly rendezvous with the
new commander. He was a changed man. The world accepted him as a celebrated
military hero. The nobles happily capitalized on his strategic mind, which now
had time for business affairs.
He never hit Marie again. With sleepy, trusting eyes, she would ask him if it
was good. He would smile and keep the fact that he came imagining her face
mangled and her breasts bleeding.
Still, there was a new hunger growing inside Erwin. Marie could not be like
Levi, and Levi had not been enough. The need was clawing into Erwin’s insides,
draining him of mercy and peace.
Levi came to know how cruel Erwin could be when he invited him over for a
family lunch. Marie kissed Levi and smeared her red lipstick on his cheek. He
was very much familiar with the shade, which often adorned Erwin’s skin. When
she stepped back, Levi saw cold murder in her eyes. The lunch was impeccable.
Erwin walked Levi through their gardens, like he would any honored guest. “She
taught me a bit about gardening,” he said in a voice he uses only when talking
about Marie. Erwin kept a friendly distance as he walked past Levi towards a
row of plants. He motioned at some tendrils Levi can’t distinguish from the
rest of the herbogarbage.
“Deadnettle,” Erwin named it. “Weeds that germinate in the fall and grow during
the winter. Stubborn little things.”
Levi had been frozen in place, a cold fist closing around his heart. Erwin,
completely oblivious (never, Erwin Smith is never clueless, least of all when
it comes to his soldiers), cupped the jagged leaves in his fingers.
“It grows from the lowest of the lows, crawling slowly on the dirt,” he
continued, stroking the bold purple flower carefully.  “Except for the tip,
which curves upward. Perhaps yearning for the sun.”
Erwin turned to face him. His clear blue eyes were bathed in the morning sun.
“They die in late spring or early summer, when the days turn warmer and
longer.”
You are going to pay for this, Levi thought, mind already drifting to their
next meeting.
Erwin marched on—he had always been incredibly brave. And incredibly foolish.
“It was fascinating to me. I told Marie, just as everything else grows, this
deadnettle dies off. A weed that eventually makes way for other plants to
bloom.”
Levi couldn’t hear anything over the pounding march in his chest. He approached
Erwin, stepping on the stupid weeds. “Did you also tell Marie that you fucked
me?”
Erwin looked down on him, his eyes darkening. “She loves me,” he said in a low
voice.  
“You’re not the only one who’s loved by fools,” Levi growled. Erwin did not
know all there is to Castle Reiss, but he soon would.
The first time it happened, a royal guard ran to Levi’s quarters in the dead of
the night. All the blood had been drained from his face. The look in his eyes
told Levi that a nightmare had begun. Levi found Eren banging on his cell’s
bars in wild abandon. His bedframe was broken into pieces, covered by cotton
from his shredded pillows and bedding.
Eren’s pupils were gone, drowned by glinting green and wrath.
He told the guard that the incident was classified information, and only him
and the Queen have the right to know. He said would discuss this matter
personally with Her Highness of course. By then, Eren had completely sobered
and pleaded to be studied as property of Hanji’s scientific team. This wasn’t a
case of a few greedy MPs and fanatic priests impeding humanity’s progress. It
was a case of state security. Levi knew he had the right of it.
“Nothing has changed. I will remain your custodian,” he said with absolute
finality.
Queen Historia was kept updated of the entire affair, and Hanji wasted no time
experimenting with different medications and behavioral therapies.
There were good nights, when the castle was at peace and Levi’s trysts with
Erwin were undisturbed. There were good nights, when Eren spoke of improvements
and recovery. Those nights slowly disappeared. As the situation escalated, the
palace guard and the citizens began whispering amongst themselves. Never in
Levi’s presence, but they had all known that—
“It’s only a matter of time,” Erwin whispered as he fingered the wounds Eren
had inflicted on Levi the night before. Levi knew that the future could never
be certain. The only thing he could rely on was the cruel smirk on Erwin’s
lips, the vicious jealousy poisoning his eyes, the pain that seemed to never
end. Levi was just living from night to night.
Eren would pace in his cell for days on end, finally falling asleep in
exhaustion. Or he would sleep a full week, waking up only to stay in a
vegetative state for hours. The piles of destroyed bedroom furniture grew. One
day, chained by his hands and feet, Eren said, “When you kill me, make it
quick.”
Of all the people Levi had killed, none sounded half as frightened.
Three months since the first incident, Levi came down to the dungeons to find
Eren savagely tearing into his right arm. His severed hand was lying on the
floor, cuff and all. Levi sounded numb to his own ears as he commanded all the
Queensguard to leave and lock the whole corridor. They protested, until Levi
reminded them that disobedience was treason, and treason was death.
“Save me,” Eren pleaded, tears and grime and blood adorning his golden face.
The color of his eyes was wretchedness. He had never been more a child.
Levi stepped back. Comrades, rivals, soldiers, children, Erwin, and now
Eren—all of them somehow thought he could do this thing. He could feel germs
and bacteria climbing up his entire body. Eren reached out to him with his
mangled forearm. The white elbow joint and the torn muscle fibers were so close
to Levi’s face that he could take a bite. A petrifying titan roar ripped out of
Eren’s mouth. Levi should have unsheathed his blades and sliced his nape off
without a moment’s hesitation.
He couldn’t.
Levi fell to his knees, immobilized by repulsion and the painful hardness in
his pants.
It would’ve been a mercy to kill Eren right there, but Levi had never known
mercy. So he saved him the only way he knew.
Levi watched as the handcuffs dug into Eren’s left wrist, fraying more and more
of his skin throughout the night. He listened patiently as the growls quieted
down, how the primal rage in Eren’s screams turned to human pain and relief.
When it was all done, he kneaded Eren’s aching body with expert fingers.
Already, the boy was healing. Levi’s heart brimmed with pride and affection.
“Monster,” he murmured as he tenderly held Eren’s head to his chest. The boy
sobbed desperately and told him to stay. Levi pushed him away and said that a
pet monster could never command its master. As Eren apologized over and over,
Levi spoiled him with bites and kisses.
Throughout that night, Levi had not thought of Erwin, not even once.
The case report was graphic and emotionless. For the first time, Levi saw
scientific curiosity fail Hanji. She looked at Levi like she couldn’t recognize
him. They sat silent for a few minutes before Hanji hung her head in her hands
and asked if Levi’s treatment worked.
“I can take care of him,” Levi replied.
And he did. Levi would come well into the night, making his footfalls heavy and
foreboding. Every time, he expected Eren to welcome him with hatred etched on
his beautiful face. Every time, Eren would be half-mad and half-hard already.
Levi did not let any emotion slip on his face as Eren began their ritual.
He would not take his eyes off the boy. After all, should he ever get out of
control, it was Levi’s duty to kill him. Blood and cum were seeping through the
open wounds, making Levi shiver in disgust. Eren knelt and buried his face in
the black curls before looking up at him. His shining eyes were a hundred
colors and overflowing with tears.
“Captain, I love you.”
Levi made a grievous mistake—Eren was no monster. As he chained him back, the
boy hysterically protested and held onto him, asking what he did wrong, saying
sorry don’t leave, saying no please have mercy. Levi made sure Eren couldn’t
talk with that mouth, not for a while.
Erwin came to his room to find Levi puking bile and vodka. The knives were
already laid on the bed, as if he planned to start with or without company.
When he noticed Erwin, Levi seized him and did not bother with the clothes.
“I love you,” Levi tested how the words would slide on his tongue, how they
would sound in his voice. It was nothing like Eren’s. He looked down on Erwin
and ran the blade across his amputated arm. “Would you like that?”
“Would you like it if someone loved you?” Erwin asked. Levi hated that Erwin
knew, and he made him suffer for that knowledge.
“Captain?”
Eren had been hanging the tree outside the window, staring at them with
bewildered pain. The cuffs and chains hung by his wrists and ankles. His face
is covered by distinctive post-titan burns and his mouth was a bloody mess.
Erwin looked at Eren with bemused eyes and motioned for him to come inside. He
jumped to the windowsill and hung there precariously, making Levi’s heart
stutter. He stood up from the bed and pulled him in.
Eren looked down at Erwin, who was still laying beaten and cut up on Levi’s
bed. “Get out,” he said numbly. “Or I’ll kill you.”
Erwin studied him with searching eyes. He got up and began putting on his
clothes. “You are a strong child, Eren,” he said cordially as he stood by the
door. “You are not broken beyond repair. Yet.”
After he left, Eren hauled the bloody sheets off the bed and held it up to
Levi. It seemed like he couldn’t wrap his head around the whole affair, nor
could he bring himself to ask why.
“We’ve always been like this,” Levi explained. His voice sounded hollow even to
his ears but it didn’t matter. This will be over soon. “You were still a brat
when I started fucking him. You don’t know half the things we’ve done.”
“I should’ve known,” Eren said resolutely. “It makes perfect fucking sense.”
“I never—”
“But I’ve done better, right?” Eren snapped brightly. He looked at Levi with
shining eyes. “I’m a better monster than him.”
Levi had a sinking feeling in his gut. “You’re a titan shifter. You’re still
human,” he said firmly. “I’ve made a mistake and I’m sorry. Eren, you’re not a
monster.”
Realization finally dawned on Eren’s face. “You’re leaving me,” he said in
disbelief. He took Levi by the arms and shook him. Up close, Levi could see
despair clouding his glistening eyes. He felt his throat tightening and an ache
growing in his head.
“Listen, Hanji is close to finding the solution,” Levi said as calmly as he
can. He diverted his gaze, blinking rapidly to dispel the hot wetness
threatening to fall from his eyes. Eren needed him to be humanity’s strongest
now more than ever.
Levi shoved away all the unnamed emotions rising within him before taking
Eren’s face in his hands. “The rage, the pain, the madness, all that will be
gone. Very soon. I promise, Eren.”
“I don’t need that,” Eren howled in frustration. He removed Levi’s hands from
his face with such strength that Levi knew he was starting to shift again. Eren
paced around the room aggressively, then he grabbed Levi’s teacup and threw it
to the closed window. The shards didn’t even make a dent on his hardening skin.
“Why don’t you understand? Nothing has changed. You’re still the person I lo—”
“Eren Jager,” Levi cut him off resolutely, his gray eyes sharp as daggers. And
cold, colder than they’ve ever been before. Eren flinched. “You’re the one who
doesn’t understand.”
Eren’s incensed expression softened. He approached Levi and wrapped his arms
around him. Levi was as still as stone, but Eren did not mind. He had always
known that his master was a hard man. “You need me,” he whispered, smoothing
back Levi’s hair affectionately. “The commander is marrying Marie Dok,
everybody knows.”
Levi looked up at him with no hurt or anger in his eyes. He placed a callused
hand on the side of Eren’s neck. The strong pulse under his hot skin felt
precious to Levi, dearer to him than anything else in this world.
“You will be under Hanji Zoe’s jurisdiction from now on.”
Levi knew he would burn in hell soon enough, but his day of reckoning could not
even wait for that.
Eren faded as quickly as he’d come, disappearing into an unknown testing center
without a word to Levi. News of Erwin’s newfound success and newfound lover was
voraciously consumed by the masses. He didn’t stop coming, but Levi could feel
him slipping away bit by bit. He showed up one day with his engagement ring
sitting proudly underneath the first knuckle. Levi threatened to chop off that
finger and was duly punished for it.
“She will hate you,” he declared before spitting saliva, blood and cum at
Erwin’s face. “Sick filthy murderous slut.”
“I’d love her even then,” Erwin replied calmly. He had never hurt Levi worse,
until he confessed that he would break his engagement. Levi laughed and said he
could never be that decent, that an ugly dumb bitch like Marie stood no chance
to change a monster like him.
He was wrong. Erwin was stronger than he’d been, like could never be without
his love for Marie. And Marie was not the pure, beautiful normal woman that
Levi despised.
“I’m not deaf or stupid. I know what you’ve done,” she said after Erwin laid
his engagement ring on their table. Her fists were trembling by her sides, but
her words were unwavering. “I also know that you love me. So don’t go back to
him ever again.”
Erwin couldn’t stand the sight of her. “Why do you still believe in me? Why
can’t you see?” He snarled as he closed the distance between them. He seized
her by the shoulder and tried to shake some sense into her. “Even if I do that,
nothing would change. I’m fucked up beyond repair.”
“The whole damn world is fucked up beyond repair,” Marie replied, unfazed by
his wrath. She took his face in her rough hands. “If that includes you and me,
I accept that.”
“I can’t,” Erwin moaned. His face was twisted in anguish. “Marie, I can’t be
anyone’s husband or anyone’s father.”
“You can,” Marie replied. She took Erwin’s hand and gently placed it on her
stomach. “You are.”
For a moment, Erwin was frozen in utter confusion. When understanding hit him,
he took a step back and his knees gave beneath him. Marie did not let go. “You
have taken many lives. Now you’ve created one. You stood for humanity then, so
stand for your son now.”
Erwin couldn’t stand without an iron ball tied to his ankle, he couldn’t
breathe without his shackle, he couldn’t live without his master. These were
truths he’d come to accept.
“Erwin, stand for me, with me.”
Now he also knew there was a new truth he couldn’t deny. It was the hardest
choice Erwin ever had to make. So he became a coward, letting someone else make
the choice for him.
Levi’s hands were steady as he poured tea into Erwin’s cup. He didn’t even
spare the ring a glance. “I know. The whole world knows you’re getting
married.”
“Levi, I have a son.”
Levi’s teapot shattered into a hundred pieces, soaking the wooden floor with
smoking black tea. His harrowing laughter rang in Erwin’s skull. He thought
Levi had gone utterly mad. Erwin wondered if the spilled tea would mask the red
of his blood. Would his screams cause hushed speculations within this castle?
Or would they all be so afraid of Levi that they’d pretend to have heard
nothing?
Marie.
Levi abruptly stopped and pinned him with sinister gray eyes. “Without me,
you’ll end up killing that kid along with its mother.”
Erwin felt a trickle of cold sweat running down his neck. He should’ve stood
and run, but he was much too weak for that. He clenched his fists to stop them
from trembling. “No one knows the outcome,” he said calmly, trying to convince
himself more than Levi. “All we’re allowed to do is believe that we wouldn’t
regret the choices we’ve made.”
It was then that Levi cracked. He heaved the table across the room, sending all
the fine cutlery flying. Then he threw himself at Erwin’s feet. “I’m sorry for
being bad, I’m sorry I’m like this,” Levi wept. “Please, I won’t hurt you
again. I’ll be good to you.”
Erwin remained unresponsive. He let hatred burn his sympathy as he recalled all
the times Levi killed him bit by bit. How he relished in Erwin’s pain, how much
he hated him back. Levi’s agonized shrieks ripped at the silence.
“No one has to know,” he bargained as he held onto Erwin’s legs. “I’ll be a
fucking gallant white knight to your wife, if that’s what it takes. I’ll tell
your son war stories and he’ll worship you, I’ll teach him how to ride a horse,
how to fight in your place, please.”
With tears streaked on his face and his small body crumpled on the ground, Levi
looked like a plaintive child. He was the most beautiful and the most broken
thing Erwin had ever held.
“The only one I pity more than you is myself.”
Erwin watched as despair slowly clouded Levi’s eyes. “You believe you won’t
regret leaving me,” he said incredulously.
“Did you regret leaving me?” Erwin asked. They killed together. They lived
together. But now they’re just dying together. There was no longer a reason to
keep on lying. “Levi, we both know. You love him.”
Levi should’ve laughed. It was the dumbest notion in the whole world, coming
from the lips of the smartest person he’d ever known. He should’ve hit Erwin
hard enough to break his jaw—perhaps that would teach him.
Perhaps that would crush the doubt blooming like poison in Levi’s gut.
A small smile crept up on Erwin’s face at the lack of retaliation. It was part
heartache, part triumph. Erwin Smith had finally beaten humanity’s strongest.
Levi was left reeling at his loss and defeat. No, as long as he didn’t accept
it, it needn’t be true. He just had to make sure Eren would be in a position
where Levi could never dare touch him, or hurt him, or kill him.
Levi is a quick study wherever he is put. Krista may be the highest ruler now,
but she would always look at Levi as her captain and the one who led her to
power. The Queen respected him, and above everyone else, trusted him. It only
took a few whispers to rouse her fears of the ambitious and influential nobles,
who surely chaff under the rule of a bastard girl. Of course, the Reiss family
was only superior so long as they controlled the Coordinate’s power. What would
happen now that it belonged to Eren Jager, son of the one humanity hailed as
its savior? From there, it wasn’t difficult to persuade her to secure that
power for herself.
Levi was able to convince himself that he had forgotten everything, until Hanji
asked to talk about Eren. He had no shortage of frantic excuses. Only when
Hanji threatened to drop custody of her subject did he begrudgingly agree to
meet her. Levi swore to himself that he would definitively rescind all
association or prerogative over the boy.
“He needs to eat living humans.”
If there was any point asking about the specifics, or how she figured it out,
Hanji would be all too eager to share the science. Her brevity confirmed one
thing—she was absolutely certain, and absolutely helpless to manipulate the
outcome.
At his stunned silence, Hanji braved on. “I don’t know how many, and it won’t
matter. It’s peace time and there’s no need for his titan power anymore. In
fact, everybody’s already itching to eliminate all the threat from the
shifters.”
“Everybody? Or you?”
Hanji wasn’t sure why, but the glint in Levi’s eyes made her blood go cold. His
fingers danced over the hilt of a dagger hanging by his belt.
“Levi,” Hanji called out anxiously. She took a step back before even
understanding why. In a flash, the darkness in Levi’s brows receded, to be
replaced by his usual stoic disgruntlement.
Hanji let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. “I’m sorry. I am. You
know that I also care about him but…” Her voice was deeply sympathetic, but
Hanji’s gut instinct stopped her from physically comforting Levi. “I’m sure you
see that the only way is—”
The crash of steel bars against the brick walls of his cell jolted Eren awake.
His growl turned to a gasp when he saw Levi standing by the entrance, the light
of torches casting a glow behind him.
Eren’s hazy eyes glimmered with pure rapture as he pulled against his chains
zealously. Levi saw that his wrists were bleeding and his skin was frayed
against the manacles. He was clothed with filth, caked blood, and not much
else.
There was a metal contraption clamped on his mouth.
Levi’s movements were detached and perfunctory as he took every restraint off.
“I knew you would come back to me,” Eren said elatedly, his voice cracking as
if he hadn’t used it in a long time. He didn’t seem to mind that a team of
scientists, along with two of the Queensguard were standing outside the cell.
Levi did not meet his eyes, instead turning to the concoction he brought with
him.
“Drink this,” Levi commanded, pushing a cup to his face. Eren’s delight melded
into confusion before it disintegrated into fury. He viciously slapped the cup
off of Levi’s hands, looking at the spilled contents with loathing.
“Don’t make this hard for yourself,” Levi said stonily. He stepped back to pour
Eren another glass, but he found himself being pulled into Eren’s arms with
ruthless strength.
“No!” Eren wailed like an injured animal. “If I drink that, I’ll be cured! Then
you’ll leave me for good. Don’t you love me?”
“Love you?” Levi spat at him. His lips curved into a cruel leer before he
shoved Eren’s soiled body away. “You disgust me. Drink this so I could get rid
of you.”
Eren’s face contorted in misery, and Levi almost took him right there. Perhaps
that was what Eren expected, after all, Levi had always been weak to pain. But
at Levi’s impassiveness, fear began to take root in him. And when Eren is
scared, he gets angry.
“Fuck you,” he snarled, spattering spit and blood on Levi’s face. “You needed
me too, so you went ahead and used me to get what you want. Then you threw me
away.”
“That’s exactly what I did. Because I can. Because I’m strong,” Levi said.
“Humanity’s strongest doesn’t need an Eren Jager to babysit, a boy who needs
everyone to save him from the world. From himself. How many people have died
for you?”
“You’re a monster,” Eren rasped, shivering in shock and cold. Levi felt like a
knife was being twisted in his heart.
“I am. I’m a monster,” he professed, sneering at Eren like he’s a hopeless
student who finally caught on. “What about you? You’re not normal. But you’re
also not special.”
Levi cradled his dirty face in both hands, locking their eyes together so Eren
could see that there was nothing remotely human left in him.
“You’re just a freak.”
Then Levi pulled back, dusting himself off like nothing happened. Eren was
motionless on the floor, broken inside out. Levi licked his lips. “I stayed
when everyone abandoned you, but you never deserved me. I should just forget
you ever existed, right?”
At that, Eren raised hysterical eyes up at him, crawling to Levi’s feet. “What
do I need to do? Please just tell me, please, I’ll do anything.”
Levi shoved his boot to Eren’s face. A pained grunt escaped his lips, but he
quickly returned to Levi and hugged him by the shins. “I can’t do it. Don’t
send me away, please.”
Levi paid him no heed, walking to the door and dragging Eren across the floor.
“If you really hate me that much, just kill me!”
Suddenly, Levi dropped to his knees and peeled Eren off of him. When the boy
struggled, Levi kissed him lovingly, stroking his back until the sobs ebbed.
“Eren,” Levi whispered to his ear. “You know that I love you, right? If you
just obeyed me, I wouldn’t be angry.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Eren moaned wretchedly. Levi hushed him with another
kiss.
“My beautiful monster. There’s no need to cry. Everything will be alright.”
Levi looked over his shoulder toward Hanji’s subordinates and his own. A member
of the Queensguard had just enough courage to approach and hand him the flagon,
but they all looked utterly petrified. No matter, there wouldn’t be anyone to
listen to their horrified reports. Levi turned back to Eren’s adoring eyes,
which looked only at him. They were clear of any doubt or hesitation.
Levi brought the solution to Eren’s lips. “Drink,” he ordered.
Only Levi and Eren would emerge from the underground keep, moving hand in hand
within the castle’s shadows. They entered the very same passageways Erwin used
in their previous trysts. Eren had been visibly shaken as Levi scrubbed the
dirt and blood from his body. Outside, the sun had risen. It was time to forget
how Eren had fallen last night, because today he would rise as the future king.
Levi’s fingers were deft as he snipped Eren’s hair and smoothed it back. It
would not do for the queen’s consort to look anything less than majestic.
“I didn’t mean to do it,” Eren cried. “I’m so sorry, sorry, why did I do that?”
Levi made a small cut on Eren’s lip with his scissors, just to calm him. “You
only did as I commanded. Whatever you need to do from here on, you’ll be doing
it for me,” he reassured him, kissing the spot on Eren’s neck where his pulse
was strong. “And soon, you will forget all of that and you’ll be happy. You
will have the world.”
“And you?” Eren asked eagerly. Levi smiled.
“And me.”
The furor of the nobles are deafening as Eren Jager rose hand in hand with the
Queen. Underneath their wide smiles and false applause, Erwin could smell the
resentment of thwarted ambitions. Now he understands why the cause of this
celebration was kept secret, and of course it only makes sense that the
engagement was so sudden. The Queen has maneuvered this power play masterfully.
The royal couple wave at the audience, their matching rings glinting under the
chandeliers. A flash of blinding pain tears through Erwin’s amputated arm. His
soldier’s senses are blaring alarms. Something about this is wrong, he knows
immediately as he follows his new king’s feverish eyes. They aren’t sweeping
through the entire hall to address the crowd—they are searching.
Erwin instinctively combs through the room before he even figures out what he’s
doing. He and Eren simultaneously find what they’re looking for.
Marie is standing in the porch, her right arm chaffing in Levi’s grip. The warm
brown of her eyes has been swallowed by the whites, her face gone horribly
pale. Erwin’s blood surges through his veins as Levi’s turns to look at him.
For an agonizing moment, he is paralyzed by the hatred in those eyes.
“It is so, but the deadnettle dies standing,” Marie says, her usually brazen
voice quavering.
Erwin starts running. His legs feel like leaden logs detached from the rest of
his body. Levi is telling her everything. Erwin has the mad urge to laugh while
he races across the hall. As he is approaching, a strange sight pierces through
his delirium.
A trail of blood trickling down Levi’s limp hand, wounding around his
knucklebones and flowing down his fingers. A second, third, fourth trail
quickly follow. Levi brings the hand up and runs his finger along Marie’s lip,
the color of his blood lost in her lipstick. She looks on in silent horror as
red blooms on the white titan suit over Levi’s chest. Erwin remembers bloody
titans falling on the snow, shredded by his strongest soldier’s blades.
Levi could hear Hanji’s words. An excruciating poison for humans, but a quick
and painless death for a shifter. Eren would finally be free of the pain.
An anguished titan howl shatters the night. Hundreds of fat merchants and
nobles stampede for the exits like terrified animals, running over broken
bodies and shitting their regal garbs. They will find those doors locked tight.
Levi leans all his weight on the balcony ledge, pulling Marie with him. His
gray eyes are pallid under the moonlight, but his lips are bright red and
smiling.
“Give him a kiss from me.”
Levi lets go of Marie’s arm and falls into the night.
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