Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/6697507.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Crisis_Core:_Final_Fantasy_VII
  Relationship:
      Zack_Fair/Cloud_Strife
  Character:
      Zack_Fair, Cloud_Strife
  Additional Tags:
      mentions_of_/_Angeal
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-04-30 Updated: 2016-05-06 Chapters: 4/? Words: 14230
****** Currents ******
by Meteorfallen
Summary
     Zack has liked Cloud for a long time but has trouble trying to
     express it without overreaching. The day he finally overreaches all
     starts in front of the old makovision, where a typical situation
     leads to an atypical ending. What follows is the aftermath as they
     try hard to remain friends and come to terms that their relationship
     has always been something a little...'more' from the very beginning.
***** Currents *****
 
                Cloud clutched the sheets under his palms, digging his nails
in. His back arched slightly off the bed, and he let out a rattled breath
through his clenched teeth. Above him a tanned and muscled frame knelt between
his legs, slowly moving his hips back and then forward. One hand rested on
Cloud’s trembling hip, and the other pressed against his pale – although now
flushed cheek. Cloud closed his eyes.
                Oh Gaia, we’re really…
                He felt dizzy and disoriented, stressed and wound – and yet it
felt like he was coming undone. He’d never known these sensations and didn’t
know what to do with them – what he should be doing. Was he supposed to move
somehow – where should his hands be – should he say something?
                What if I’m doing it all wrong? I can’t tell… Everything’s
suddenly out of focus – I’m afraid to open my eyes. I don’t – I can’t think
straight.
               “Cloud?”
                That voice – one he’d grown familiar with – caused him to
shudder and frown. The motions never ceased and Cloud almost wished they would
– it would be easier to hear his own thoughts again.
.
..x.X.x..
.
                “I want it.”
                Cloud’s careless words – spoken out of an envious thought –
caused his eyes to widen in alarm as he watched First Class SOLDIER Zack Fair
turn away from the makovision with raised brows. Flustered, Cloud took his seat
by him in the floor on his pillow. He was going to try to make up some sort of
lie, but Zack glanced back at the screen curiously.
                “What? To be SOLDIER?”
                A SOLDIER propaganda commercial was showing. It showed a
handful of Thirds and Seconds doing a series of complex sword slashes together
– then each of them came forward one by one and slayed different sorts of
monsters in one hit. While each one was stepping forward after the last, Cloud
looked down into his mug of cocoa.
                “I know you do. You’ll get there, in time.”
                Feeling peevish at himself for having spoken out before, Cloud
glanced back at the screen and watched as a Second stepped up. His body moved
easily inside the SOLDIER gear, and Cloud studied him as he effortlessly
cleaved some sort of plant creature apart.
                “I want to be…SOLDIER, but I also…want that.”
                Zack sucked the last of his cocoa down, inquiringly looking at
the screen. His deep indigo eyes – how did the treatments to make SOLDIERs even
make them so bright – considered what he saw on the truthfully grainy quality
broadcast – or maybe it was his own makovision since it was an older module?
Cloud wondered why he hadn’t gotten a better one for the hundredth time.
                “Hm? What…? The uniform? You can wear mine if you want.”
                He gave Cloud his warm smile as he tugged at the neck of his
shirt. “You don’t even have to ask – just make sure not to wander off with it
for me, okay? I don’t want anyone getting any ideas that you mugged some poor
smuck.”
                Still staring at the screen, Cloud hesitated before answering –
choosing to ignore explaining how impossibleit would be for him to mug a
SOLDIER, let alone scolding Zack for offering his prided uniform to a mere
grunt in the army.
                “Not…that either.”
                Zack gave him a playfully baffled look, taking a moment to
study him and watching as Cloud brightened unexpectedly. Turning, he saw who’d
stepped into the program and had to resist rolling his eyes. Sephiroth looked
as if he had been hanging back with his arms casually crossed, just outside of
the reel. Only when a dragon appeared did he seem to glare and take notice.
                Zack could have explained the real reason Sephiroth hadn’t been
participating in the shot was because he only allowed screen time for the
company once per year – ‘news coverage always finds a way to film me as it is’
– or something like that, and he really had been annoyed because where the
dragon stood an angry director was edited out after trying to get him to do
something. The dragon was just a hologram, but since Cloud had sworn he’d seen
dragons before he probably realized that.
                Another look made Zack conclude it was all a moot point anyway.
A seven headed dragon could have been eating the SOLDIERs and Cloud still would
have barely spared it a glance – his eyes were trained on his idol. It was a
depressing sight, more so as he watched Cloud’s bright blue eyes – geez if he
ever became enhanced he could use them as headlights – slowly scan every detail
he could of Sephiroth’s body.
                “Makes a guy hella jealous and lonely, to be honest…”
                His mutter went only briefly noticed, because Cloud
distractedly asked, “What?”
                “Nothing.”
                Cloud didn’t call him on it, still lost in his observation of
his idol’s shoulders and how they moved when he summoned his legendary blade
Masamune – Cloud always forgot to ask Zack how he did that and if all SOLDIER
Firsts could do it – and lift the blade’s extended point from the neutral
position.
                “Ah,” Zack said – finally realizing what Cloud meant as longing
filled his face as he gazed at Sephiroth’s chest. His eyes – which always
sought Cloud when the blonde wasn’t looking – looked him over leisurely now.
His body was still trying to transition into adulthood – Cloud’s chest would
still grow, and his muscles needed a little more time before all the training
started making them compacted. His abs showed now – but he doubted Cloud
appreciated how far he’d come when he looked at the screen.
                “You’ll get there someday too, kiddo.” 
                Cloud came out of his daze, blinking and looking over at him –
clearly forgetting he was there – ouch – or at the very least what they were
talking about.
                “You want a body like that, right?”
                Blushing – gods it was so easy to make him do and so freakin’
adorable – Cloud adjusted himself subconsciously. He looked down as Sephiroth
flexed his sword and the dragon simply ‘dissolved.’ It was for the best – it
would have confused Cloud to no end as the smart kid knew that wasn’t how
dragons vanished.
                “Yes… A body big enough to hold my pride.”
                Zack laughed out loud at that.
                “You’d be a giant then, Spikey!”
                Cloud looked at him, wounded.
                “You don’t understand.”
                Smiling – even annoyed Cloud was damn cute – he tilted his head
to the side – over exaggerating it a tiny bit to get the small quirk of the
blonde’s lips he loved – ah, there it was.
                “You wouldn’t understand, Zack. You’ve always had a great body
to begin with.”
                Gods, Zack wished Cloud wouldn’t say something he meant
innocently so intensely. He worried it would drive him nuts – or make him
overreach again.
                Cloud watched Zack scratch his cheek – where he was scarred –
before he answered. “Well, not always. I mean I was fit – too active for my own
good is a good description… But I was short once too, y’know.”
                Cloud couldn’t hide his skepticism, which made Zack snort.
                “You don’t believe me!? Seriously. When I first came to Shinra
I was barely fifteen – probably wasn’t taller than five’five without standing
straight.”
                Resisting a sigh, Cloud insisted, “That’s how tall I am now,
and I’m… I’ve been here for several months now.”               
                Zack thought of mentioning the fact Cloud was only fifteen now
– about how he’d lied and joined when he was fourteen – but was well aware
Cloud knew all about his own secret.
                “Don’t be disheartened. It just takes some time, alright? I
didn’t sprout up overnight – but I wanted to as badly as you do.”
                “Uh-huh.”
                Wryly amused as he watched Cloud take a drink, he grew slightly
distracted watching his pale throat swallow. Shaking himself slightly and
looking into his empty mug, he said, “I’m not lying… My mentor is – was –” he
could almost mention him without wincing, and tried to amiably move onward when
Cloud turned to him and frowned. Sweet kid understood better than most people
that he couldn’t talk easily about it – any of it.
                “…he was six’three. Six’three Cloud, and had these big broad
shoulders and amazing arm and leg muscles… He looked like he could ram a door
right off its hinges – which I assure you he could, in fact, do. He even had
fascial hair – fascial hair, Cloud. SOLDIERs can rarely grow it along their
bodies, never mind on their face. He was so romantically manly I was surprised
I didn’t turn green with envy and grow from photosynthesis.”
                He wanted to mention how kind Angeal was, how loving and gentle
he could be – a gentle giant – how protective he could be about the silliest
and funniest things, and how he’d lay down his life to protect those
immeasurable morals of his. How his shoulders held straight despite the weight
and burden of his honor – how…
                Cloud’s light touch on his bicep made him start, and he looked
over to see Cloud’s eyes filled with sadness – sadness for his sake. “I believe
you, Zack. I do.” Wincing as he realized he must have simply zoned out and
stopped talking he attempted to shake it off, grinning around closed eyes.
                “Sure you do! Would I lie to you?”
                Cloud’s hand lingered longer than it needed to, but neither of
them wanted it to move. When it did, Zack tried to get the ball rolling again.
They needed to find something else to talk about to get rid of the lump in his
throat, and to make Cloud happy again.
                Cloud surprised him by holding out his mug. “You want to
share?” Zack took the offering immediately, taking the cup and a long drink,
sighing contently afterward. He was surprised when he glanced at Cloud he
looked baffled slightly.
                “What?”
                “Ah, I meant…” His eyes shifted down to Zack’s own cup. Eyes
widening in realization – shit he meant poor some into your own cup– Zack
froze, unsure what to do next. I overreached again…
                Cloud stretched over, choosing to chastise. “I said share, not
keep – you’re such a dork.” With him reaching over and Cloud’s forehead almost
to his chin, Zack grabbed his shoulder.
                “Zack?”
                Looking up, Cloud caught the obviously conflicted expression on
Zack’s face. It made his face feel warm – made him unsure of what he should be
feeling from it – and when Zack opened his mouth Cloud could smell the cocoa of
his breath and shivered, confused as to why.
                Then Zack gave Cloud a noogie. Grunting at the feeling of a
hand ruffling his hair, he squawked and twisted to grab Zack’s shoulder and
push him backward. Only the turn made him slip down the pillow and he fell,
taking Zack down with him to his hip, now crouched over Cloud and fartoo close
to his face.
                The thing to do was to laugh, continue the noogie, and then get
back up like nothing had happened. They could discuss the crappy commercial –
or maybe even the show – Zack didn’t even know what Cloud had been watching.
                Cloud opened his mouth to apologize but the words refused to
come out. He wanted to move Zack, but his hand stayed curiously resting at his
side with the other slung across his stomach. Beside his head the mug warmed
the top part of his ear.
                Zack yelled at himself even as he moved down and pressed his
lips against Cloud’s, watching as bright blue eyes opened in shock. He told
himself no – no no no– but he couldn’t resist. Cloud underneath him, looking up
at him with an open mouth… He stuck his tongue in and watched and felt as Cloud
twitched under him, eyes opened in alarm now.
                Cloud felt lips against his own. Then something wet and sweet
touched his tongue, prodded it – and before he knew what it was – it had to be
Zack’s tongue, it had to be his – Cloud felt it spoon him. Lips pressed more
firmly than ever and he gripped his shirt and the floor, unable to stop staring
up into Zack’s eyes. They were too bright – too firm – and too scared to have
been continuing this.
                When Zack pulled back it was only to leave them a breath apart.
Cloud couldn’t move. They couldn’t have done that with each other. It was – it
wasn’t acceptable, and he was a grunt and Zack was a SOLDIER – they were both
men!
                Zack watched terror seize Cloud’s expression – watched as he
opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. What did you do!? Zack,
dammit! You swore you wouldn’t kiss him again. Get off him before he starts to
cry.
               Cloud reached up and yanked Zack back down when he tried to move
away, suspended in disbelief at his own actions just as much as Zack was.
                Countless thoughts and worries clouded through Zack’s mind, but
he only wanted to think about just one kind of cloud from now on. Throwing off
his insecurities, he kissed Cloud how’d he’d been dying to – leaving the poor
kid gasping and fighting for breath Zack wasn’t prepared to give him – don’t
tell me to stop now. Not now.
               Cloud wasn’t aware of how long they kissed, or when Zack’s mouth
worked its way to his neck. He didn’t know when Zack went down his body, and
didn’t realize how this was affecting him until he felt Zack’s hand cup – Cloud
almost gasped himself back to reality, but not quite – because surely Zack
wouldn’t be removing his worn Shinra issued grunt’s belt and unzipping his
pants. The Zack he knew didn’t marvel at his body like that – and he knew he
certainly didn’t get harder under that gaze.
                Zack almost sobbed when he took Cloud into his mouth. The kid
was propped up on his elbows, dazed with bruised lips. He looked so shell-
shocked Zack wasn’t sure if what he was doing was consensual or not – not until
Cloud gasped like that and laid back, clutching his shirt and the rough carpet
underneath him. Zack made himself suck steadily – tried to draw it out for as
long as he could – knowing Cloud wouldn’t last by the way he trembled.
                Unless there was something Cloud wasn’t telling him – which he
prayed to all the gods he knew every day that Cloud wouldn’t get victimized
because of his looks – Cloud had never had something like this happen to him
before. His brain fired off reasons why this was wrong – fifteen, Zack. He’s
fifteen, quit it!– you weren’t older than him your first time but it had been
with a woman!– but his logical thoughts couldn’t compete with his very real
emotional fulfillment doing this, and the undeniable physical gain he was
getting.
                Cloud shivered, bucked, writhed – as self-restrained as he
could manage. I’m getting… Zack is… By Zack I’m getting… It feels… Zack…The
muffled moan he gave was his only noise as he came, shoving his hands over his
mouth and arching into Zack’s mouth. Zack held him steady and felt every tremor
beneath his hands as Cloud gave it his all. When he finally stopped orgasming
and ridding the aftershocks of his first one caused by someone else – gods he’d
better know what just happened– Zack slowly let him slide out of his throat and
sat up.
                Cloud had his eyes closed and hid behind his palms, still shaky
from cumming. He couldn’t get Zack’s face out of his mind – couldn’t even
believe he’d done it in the first place. When a hand touched the side of his
chin he flinched – felt the hand hover unsurely before withdrawing. He felt the
mug move moments later, and Zack moved too.
                Unsurely, he moved his hands and saw Zack walk into the
kitchen. He sat up on his elbows, slowly moving to put himself away and zip his
pants back on. He didn’t have the right parts – but if Zack went further… He
had an idea of how’d he do it.
                Would I let him? It has to be possible… Could I stop him? If I
struggled – would he… He’s so strong that it would be easy… I can’t imagine
myself fighting Zack. If he tried to, would I just lay there? What does he
want…? Why me?
               He’d moved to his hip with his legs bent at his side when Zack
came back in. His movements were slower than normal when he sat down.
Wordlessly he held out a mug and Cloud took it – noticing it was Zack’s – and
held it in his hands. The warmth reminded him this was all very much real.
               “I’m sorry.”
                Cloud couldn’t answer, just stare at the screen and see
nothing.
                “I should have asked you, first…”
                Cloud looked at him then. He’s not sorry he did it – kissed me
and…Zack wouldn’t look at him. He stared down into his mug and didn’t say
anything else. Cloud couldn’t help but wonder if Zack knew he had Cloud’s. The
thought made him want to laugh and he knew he was losing it.
                “I think I should go.”
                Zack didn’t react. Cloud wanted to reach over and slap the mug
aside – make Zack lookat him after that – but his eyes saw something that made
him freeze. Sitting down, it became obvious the SOLDIER was hard. Cloud felt
another irrational flash of fear at the thought Zack would want him to take
care of it, but the SOLDIER made no such suggestion.
                Voice firmer than before, Cloud said, “I should go.”
                Zack rubbed his thumb over the edge of the mug – at the chip
Cloud normally chose to drink from. His voice sounded odd when he said, “Okay.”
                Cloud sat his mug down and got up. He was about to walk past
when Zack caught him. He flinched, but stayed still as he watched Zack set the
mug down and without looking – reach up and fasten the belt. The moment he
pulled on it to tighten it, Cloud was tugged forward and they both froze. Then,
the action resumed until the belt was how it should be – how it should have
stayed. Cloud watched Zack take his mug and resume holding it.
                “You shouldn’t go out without it on properly.” Cloud could only
reason it was meant to be some sort of answer, though it didn’t answer anything
at all. He moved to the door and put his muffler on to hide inside of, and
grabbed his book bag. He was about to leave but his hand hesitated over the
doorknob. Finally he got angry and spun, shouting, “Why!?”
                Zack grimaced, but finally dared to look up at Cloud. His dear
friend looked scared – confused – lonely – mad – all sorts of things that
knotted Zack’s stomach. Even so, Zack’s indigo eyes refused to look away from
Cloud’s.
                “You know why,” his voice was much softer than his gaze.
                “No I don’t!”
                Licking his suddenly dry lips – he could still taste the
sweetness Cloud carried – he stared at Cloud long and hard. Only when Cloud
looked like he might turn away and leave did he answer.
                “If you don’t…know… Then I made a mistake after all.”
                Cloud froze – expression lost and out of his depth. He opened
his mouth with a retort, closed it, and tried it all over again only to get the
same answer. Finally he looked away and left wordlessly. Zack wondered how he
could feel so cold when the mug was so warm against his touch. He knew, though.
Cloud had left.
                With a giant sigh, Zack closed his eyes as he tilted his head
back. The makovision droning in the back of his mind sounded hundreds of miles
away.
                “Angeal, look at what I’ve done… I really miss and need you,
man.”
***** Currents II *****
Chapter Summary
     Cloud and Zack are trying. It’s been a while since that night in
     Zack’s apartment, and both of them are going through the motions
     associated with it. It isn’t always easy admitting the obvious – more
     often than not it can be near impossible… But, they’re trying.
                Cloud had his back pressed against the mattress, hands hooked
under the back of his knees. He moaned, watching him go down on him. It felt
and seemed so unrealistic – but the noises, the feelings coursing through his
body – and the looks he kept getting readily reminded him this was really
happening. He gasped, shaking as a hand cupped him from underneath.
                He couldn’t handle this – it would kill him. He let his legs go
and sat up, making his partner stop to stare curiously before understanding lit
his eyes. He moved and let Cloud cling to him, dig his fingers into his back.
                “I’m ready.”
.
..x.X.x..
.
                Cloud’s legs were shaking against his will, and his fingers
were buried in Zack’s unruly black spikes. He had his bottom lip between his
teeth and was about to draw blood.
                “Easy there, Spike. That’s enough.”
                “No,” he’d come this far. They weren’t going to quit yet. He
moved his hands further apart, clutching desperately at Zack’s shoulders. With
uneasy legs, he took a deep breath and tried to knee Zack in the back leg. His
leg moved slightly, but he didn’t tumble down.
                “Son of a-”
                Zack laughed, enjoying Cloud hanging off him as he tried to
send him flying flat onto his face. He’d been at it for at least over an hour
so far – Zack had taught him numerous useful and real life ways to knock
someone down but wasn’t willing to give Cloud an inch. Spike probably thought
he was being an ass, but Zack knew what he was doing – from personal
experience.
                Cloud let go to glare hatefully, and Zack had to try heroically
to stop laughing. “Okay, kiddo, charge me and do the arm-twist ankle-press one
I showed you.”
                “You don’t even have a name for it. You’re just making this all
up.”
                Unable to help it, he finally laughed heartily.
                “No, no I’m not, honestly! As for a name…? If it has one, I
just don’t know it – or I’ve forgotten. But it does work – and you’re agile
enough to do it. Come on now, no giving up!”
                With a furious expression, Cloud lunged forward and grabbed
Zack’s wrist as he stepped behind him. Twisting it with great anger, he had it
locked straight backward and attempted to simultaneously wrench it as he
flipped Zack over his shoulder while his right foot slammed into the inside of
Zack’s boot to tip him off balance.
                Zack stumbled alright, but refused to flip.
               “Yeowtch, Spikey. You almost pulled my arm out of my socket –
good job!” Cloud gave his arm another wrench before letting go, sighing as he
wiped sweat from his brow.
                “What’s the point of teaching me all of these if you don’t
prove they can work?”
                Patting his head – knowing it pissed Cloud off and still doing
it – he grinned. “Trust me, if you manage to flip medown imagine what you could
do to those troopers in your class, eh?”
                Cloud seemed to understand the logic in that because he
frowned, forgetting for a few moments that Zack was still patting his head like
a child. Finally, he irritably swatted Zack away as the man chuckled, hands
held up in surrender.
                “Want to try again Spikey?”
                Just what are you playing at, Zack?
                “Give me a moment to catch my breath…”
                Cloud didn’t know what to make of him. Ever since That Time in
the apartment two weeks ago, they’d rarely seen each other from missions –
though Zack may have just been avoiding him… And now that they were hanging out
again Zack had been…
                “Spike? Want to grab a burger of somethin’ after this? My
treat.”
                …He’d been treating him like the first time they’d met, when
Cloud was fourteen and overwhelmed being around strangers, in a new place, and
having to adjust to the way people spoke. He’d stuck out like a sore thumb –
and now that time had passed he’d really understood why Zack had sort of
adopted him. It was a miracle he hadn’t ended up mugged if not dead in The
Slums with how naïve he’d been.
                “…sure.”
                It was as if That Time in the apartment never happened…but it
had.Cloud still remembered it – how could he not? He dreamt about it too. He
couldn’t escape it even in the silence of his bunk. Maybe it was better this
way – they could chalk it up to a moment of insanity, misjudgment even – and
try to just move on like it never occurred…
                But now that time had passed, Cloud wasn’t sure he could. Even
being like this… It felt unfulfilled. He wanted more from this – if nothing
else than closure. Zack had told him he knew why he’d done it, and Cloud was
afraid to admit he thoughthe knew maybe at least two reasons why – but only one
made sense…and he had a feeling Zack would get angry… Because it wasn’t a very
Zack thing at all.
                “Did you…”
                Zack turned to him, caught off guard.
                “What was that Chocobo? I didn’t hear you.”
                Freezing, Cloud mentally cursed. It had been a careless remark
that had started all of this in the first place. Turning away, he said,
“Nothing. Just mumbling to myself.”
                “Oh… Alright then. Ready to go at it again, kid?”
                Cloud couldn’t help but wince. Kid? Seriously? Is he…doing this
on purpose? I don’t understand what you’re thinking right now Zack…
               “Um, hey…”
                “Yesss?”
                Without turning around, Cloud surveyed the room to make sure
they were still alone. Then quietly, Cloud decided to just ask and get it out
of his system. If they’d been able to keep being friends after That Time, then
what he was going to ask would hopefully blow over too, if Zack denied it or
plainly reacted badly to it.
                “You were sad at that…time weren’t you?”
                He’d expected a ‘huh?’ and confusion, but as the silence
stretched he realized Zack had been thinking about it too and unlike him,
hadn’t needed prompting.
                “…No, I wasn’t. You want to talk about this somewhere…else?”
                Cloud shook his head – if I don’t say it here I’ll lose my
nerve…
               “Are you sure? Cause I’d…understand.” He wouldn’t like it at
all, but he’d get it. “He got brought up by accident and I know that… It hurts
to mention him.” Cloud had learned quickly that Zack’s mentor shouldn’t be
mentioned by name after watching the flinches of emotion pang his face before.
“They say it’s normal…to want a distraction from pain. So if…”
                He trailed off when he heard Zack’s booted feet coming up
behind him. He hadn’t imagined Zack might hit him but didn’t try to cover
himself or turn around – if he’d made Zack that angry he deserved it.
                Only to his shock and confusion, he felt Zack’s arms sling
around his body. His voice was tight and low, but Zack came through loud and
clear. “You are not and won’t ever be a distraction, Cloud.” Zack took a deep
breath after he said it and then tensely let it out before letting go and
turning away – far quicker than he’d ever had before. For something that had
been so intimate Cloud felt shell-shocked to feel it torn away.
                Without his consent his hand moved to grab Zack’s wrist. As he
was already behind him he struck with speed and adrenaline, using the earlier
move to somehow make Zack end up lying on his back. He looked wide-eyed and
astonished – Cloud felt much the same. He stood above him, looking down,
expression blank.
                What Zack did next dazed him. Instead of laughing – or possibly
getting angry – his eyes misted with tears and he gave such a weakly broken
smile Cloud felt his chest ache instantly at the sight. “So this is how you
felt, huh?” His voice was odd and even though it appeared he was looking up
into Cloud’s eyes – there was little doubt in the grunt’s mind Zack wasn’t
speaking to him at all anymore. Cloud hated seeing Zack’s expression like this
at once – there was something familiar in that distant gaze he knew way too
well.
                The SOLDIER looked like Cloud had when he was a kid, crying and
staring into the one mirror their house had. He’d been upset to have been so
distanced from everyone – so angry they wouldn’t give him a chance – that they
wouldn’t let him in.
                Before he knew what he was doing he dropped to his knees beside
Zack and clutched his shoulders, burying his face into Zack’s shirt because –
because Zack shouldn’t look like that.
               Zack came out of his sadness slowly but surely, and then wound
his arms around Cloud and breathed in deeply, tensely letting it out. Cloud dug
his hands in, eyes closed as he tried to ignore not only his racing heart, but
the one against his forehead. This was something they shouldn’t be doing – but
it had felt like the right thing to do… It still did.
                When Zack sat up, it put Cloud between his legs, and by
accident or purpose it put their foreheads together. As neither moved away,
Cloud found himself softly asking, “Zack…? Are you okay now?”
                A few beats, then Zack answered with harsh honesty. “No, no I’m
not, but… I’m better now. I’m good.” He patted Cloud’s back as a signal to
disengage, but it went neglected by both of them. In the end, it settled on
rubbing up and down his back – not suggestively, but more of a means of
comfort. Cloud wasn’t entirely sure it wasn’t for Zack’s benefit. Time
continued to go by, and Cloud knew the smartthing to do was to get some
distance before someone walked in on them but… Zack was probably ‘dumb’ because
he’d been dropped, while Cloud…wished he had some sort of excuse he could play
on.
                “Hey, Cloudy?”
                Knowing that nickname was an improvement to what he’d been
called earlier, he said, “Yes?” Zack’s hands were roving as he swallowed. “Do
you just want to call it day? We can go back to my apartment and order
something…”
                Cloud tensed though not firmly. They’d been hanging out but
hadn’t yet gone back their together. Cloud took a moment to calm his nerves
before he answered. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
                Zack’s lips touched Cloud’s brow when he spoke – both acting
like it was nothing. When it really, really, was. “Just hanging out,” he
clarified. “I…promise.” A promise from Zack was a signature of gold, but still,
Cloud knew they really couldn’t – not yet. Not when…whatever this was still
filled the air around them like electricity.
                “I need to hit the showers, and study for my exam at the end of
the week… You have a mission you need to prepare for – you mentioned it
earlier.”
                “We still have a few hours before either of us have to clock
out. You can trust me Cloud.” Zack sounded so guilty saying those words that
Cloud grimaced.
                “That’s not it.” We might do something stupid, Zack. We were
just getting past this – pretending nothing was weird – so we just can’t.
               Despite his thoughts his words had a mind of their own. “I trust
you Zack… I – I don’t understand this, but I still trust you.” He wished he
didn’t sounded so winded – it had an excuse but still he sounded just like That
–
                “Okay.”
                Zack sounded…off too. They both got up, turning away from each
other but partially – as if they knew they definitely should but couldn’t quite
manage it. Zack ran a hand over the nape of his neck, blew out a loud breath,
and then put his hands on his sides. He cut through the ice with a hardy laugh
– it was fake, but he was trying.
                “Alright then, we should mosey.”
                Nodding stiffly, Cloud tried to move past it too. They had
moments like this – some before That Time – but now they weighed more. Cloud
wondered how his chest could feel so heavy from emotions – couldn’t understand
it even. Still, until he could deal with this on his own time again, they
needed to get away from each other.
                Heading to the doors, as they stood in the parted doorway
Zack’s hand grabbed his arm. Cloud paused, wary and uncertain as Zack’s mouth
moved to his ear.
                “You did great, Cloud. That was wonderful – caught me
completely off guard.”
                It took him a moment before he realized Zack meant the take-
down.
                “Oh… Thanks.”
                Looking around, indigo eyes settled on his shoulder as he spoke
– as if trying to not burden him with the gravity of his stare.
                “Can we meet up sometime this weekend? I miss hanging out with
you.”
                There wasn’t a pause or hint of motive – Zack just sounded
genuinely…genuine. Taking a deep breath and holding it for a few second because
wow, Zack’s breath on the shell of his ear –he let it out.
                “Alright. Sometime…Saturday good?”
                Looking relieved, Zack nodded – too quickly.
                “Saturday evening is perfect.”
                His eyes must have betrayed him because Zack hurriedly added,
“Not too late, of course… After five is all good.”
                Relaxing, he opened his mouth and found he didn’t have anything
to say. Zack seemed the same – at least unwilling to put anything into words.
They were about to pull apart when Zack’s hand tightened on his arm. He looked
uneasy for a moment, but then blew out an anxious breath – this time Zack met
his gaze.
                “Cloud I still don’t regret it. I don’t want to leave things on
a weird note and I won’t do anything else – but I… I wanted you to know that,
at least. I want you to understand – that’s all.”
                Cloud had been waiting for this – waiting to rebuke the
feelings and waiting to say he’d rather they never say anything about it again.
He would have too – would have this morning, would have an hour ago – but now?
Now they’d shared something else that looked like comfort but had been far
too…weighted to be anything else but intimate.
                Zack didn’t wait for a response – probably hadn’t been
expecting one. He patted his arm in an almost consoling manner except for the
way his fingers drifted before letting go. Cloud knew Zack had just promised
not to do anything and couldn’t help but wonder if he was even aware of the
subtle things that he did – they were so telling– but until recently – until
That Time – Cloud hadn’t been sure…
                As Zack was leaving, Cloud spoke up – louder than he needed to.
“I’m getting there, Zack.” His voice grew weak at the end, and he expected Zack
to turn around but he only nodded as he walked off.
                “I know, Cloud. I know.”
                At least…Zack was back to using his name again. Though if his
name was only going to be used in these tense moments when they felt like they
were too close but not close enough, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was
better that Zack never said it…
***** Currents III *****
Chapter Summary
     Time endures to move forward, and Cloud is learning how to stay
     friends as the strange moments continue to grow. But, he’s not the
     only one growing – time is finally showing signs of opening up the
     shadowed mysterious of Zack’s past – and who would have thought all
     he’d learn from simply bringing up Zack’s junk makovision?
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
 
                Why did it have to be so intense? Cloud felt like he was
breaking apart – not by pain, but breaking all the same. As he clutched in
desperation and felt the pit in his pelvis ready to erupt, he arched against
his chest, raising off the bed and moaning now that he couldn’t cover his
mouth.
                It felt so good and all he could think about was why this
couldn’t have happened sooner? But he knew the answer to that – they hadn’t
been ready. They wouldn’t have ever been…if he hadn’t finally just killed that
monster.
.
..x.X.x..
.
                It had been over three months since That Time, and Cloud
slugged Zack’s shoulder – making him squawk and drop his controller. The cry he
released could have given old horror movie women a run for all their Gil.
                “SPIKE!”
                While Zack leapt to retrieve it, Cloud mercilessly decapitated
Zack’s cactar avatar – he guessed it was technically a decapitation, the
graphics were grainy – with his chocobo’s sharp talons. Flinging down the
controller and raising his fists in victory as Zack picked his up, Cloud
seethed, “YES.”
                “My baby!” Zack dropped his controller to move forward and
shake the makovision set, expression one of absolute horror at the blob on the
screen belonging to his fighter.
                “How could you Cloud!? How!”
                “Look,” he spat, “I just watched my chocobo die three times –
all painfully slow deaths from your stupid and prickly finishing move. It was
justified.” Besides, you made me be a chocobo.
               Zack bemoaned about his legacy for so long that Cloud rolled his
eyes and got up and went to the kitchen. He came back with a set of root beers
– no way was Zack getting an actual beer when the overprotective man wouldn’t
let him have one of his own – and sat back down on his pillow seat.
                Zack shut up long enough to enjoy his drink, humming in
contentment as he easily forgot his ‘legacy’ had just been murdered. While he
was distracted, Cloud looked at the screen with a pensive expression.
                “You know, I’ve always meant to ask.”
                Seeing as he’d caught Zack’s attention, he gestured toward the
makovision. It seemed like an easy way to distract Zack and give his hands a
break from playing before they started again.
                “What, the game?”
                “No – your makovision. It’s kind of busted up and outdated –
haven’t you ever thought about getting a new one?”
                Zack paused, expression not changing – which was actually a
worrying sign coming from Zack – before he shrugged and noncommittedly said,
“Do you think I should get a new one?”
                Cloud frowned – Zack didn’t sound any different, but his reply
had almost seemed pointedlycareless. Gently tapping his can of soda, Cloud
decided to keep going.
                “Well, it’s just that even us grunts have a better one than
this one. Not by much – its smaller but the picture is a bit better. You like
watching makovision, and you’ve got a few fun games so you like playing them
too, don’t you?”
                Zack looked at him with the oddest expression. Cloud wiped at
his mouth self-consciously, wondering where his eccentric friend had gone. He
didn’t know what was so weird about what he was saying – it was just idle
chatter, wasn’t it?
                Zack finally smiled gently, flipping the tab of his drink back
and forth. He seemed preoccupied, but the distance that Cloud normally felt
when he saw that gaze wasn’t there. It hadn’t been in a while.
                “I said almost the exact same thing to Angeal once.”
                Cloud almost up-chucked his drink before schooling his
expression – if Zack noticed he didn’t comment. He still had that small smile
on his face as he gazed at the busted controllers. Swallowing, Cloud hesitated
for a moment – this was the first time Zack had mentioned his mentor by name
in…in as long as he’d been gone – which Cloud believed was for at least two
years now.
                “You did…?”
                Zack paused, stared at the blurry screen, and then smiled a
little warmer.
                “Yeah… Back then, this one wasn’t so outdated. When we had free
time – or I guess ‘chill time’ as Angeal called it when we rested our muscles
so they wouldn’t get overworked, we’d come up to his place and sit in front of
this clunky thing for a while. Angeal grew up poor – so poor he never had one
of these. Even though the controls are easy to use I used to bust a gut
watching him try to figure this one out.”
                He leant over to rub a particular bad dent on the top right.
“Angeal could make flowers and plants grow, and he could operate machines of
war – could judge a person’s worth normally just by looking at them… But this
old dinosaur fought him at every turn. He did this one when I was babbling at
him – he got distracted and smacked it a little too hard – ‘cause that’s how he
used to fix it when it went batshit. Gods, I laughed so hard I cried. He
smacked the damn thing just as the picture came back and a woman screamed
loudly on the program – gods, Angeal looked as horrified as if he’d actually
struck a woman.”
                The memory didn’t seem to be a painful one – in fact Zack
seemed incredibly fond of it. Cloud hadn’t thought he had any memories of his
mentor that didn’t leave him feeling upset. Smiling softly, Cloud asked,
“Really? It’s hard to imagine a First being so…”
                “Hilarious? You know me, don’t you? Haah… Needless to say
Angeal tossed me at the thing for a while after that happened. I only knew how
to fix the thing because I broke one as a kid and my dad and me opened it up to
put it back together – but well, we found out where the pieces went but uh, I
wasn’t called a walking train wreck for nothin’.”
                Cloud laughed as Zack blushed at the memory. It was rare the
SOLDIER let himself drift off into his memory – he always tried to keep moving
forward no matter what… It seemed to be doing a lot of good for him to look
back.
                “What about your dad, Cloud? I haven’t heard you ever mention
him.”
                “He’s dead.” It was an automatic response, but seeing Zack’s
gaze widen in alarm he hurriedly said, “Don’t apologize for it – I got that
enough from my mom when I was a kid… He died in the army, actually – before I
met him. I can’t miss him since I don’t know him, so you don’t have to walk on
eggshells about it.”
                “He did?”
                “Mm. He got my mom pregnant and left her in Nibelheim. He was
going to get enough Gil to move her to Midgar or come back home if army life
didn’t suit him – but didn’t make it back. It’s sad, I know, but I’m not hung
up over ‘what could have been.’ My mom did enough of that in the beginning of
my life for all of us.”
                “Geez, insert foot into mouth over here.”
                Soothingly, Cloud said, “It’s really fine Zack. Honest. Though
speaking of dads here – I don’t remember you ever speaking of yours until now.
Do you look like him?” Zack already knew he looked like his mother, after all.
                Scratching his chin, Zack nodded after a moment.
                “My dad’s actually a bit more ruggedly handsome version of
myself – I know how could such a thing exist?”
                Cloud gently boxed his shoulder, prompting him to go on.
                “I look a lot like him, but I’ve got my mom’s eyes and
personality. Ole Daddy and I got along well until I became a teenager – then we
butted heads all the time.”
                Cloud had a hard time imagining Zack fighting with his family
for some reason. “You did? Huh.”
                Zack looked like he wasn’t going to go on, or at least switch
the conversation, but after a brief pause of studying him he seemed to shrug.
                “Want to know something I haven’t told anybody before?”
                “Anybody?”
                “Nope – you’ll be the first.”
                Surprised by how curious he was, Cloud asked, “What?”
                “I say ‘the day I turned fifteen I was out of there’ jokingly,
but I’ve always been telling the truth. My dad was extremely against me joining
Shinra. He wanted me to work the farm like his parents before him – but that
wasn’t any kind of life for me and I told him as much. He tried to compromise
with me – begging me to try it until I was seventeen and if by then I decided
that wasn’t what I wanted he’d let me go – but I refused.”
                Looking rueful and somehow bemused at the same time, Zack said,
“We got into a hugefight. Huge~ one. We didn’t hit each other or anything, but
he said some seriously nasty things to scare me – and they were scary – but
I’ve never frightened easy or stopped because something scared me, y’know? So I
said some inconsiderate things back at him, and he swore to never help me make
it to Shinra – took the Gil he was going to give me on my fifteenth and threw
it down a well.”
                At this Zack almost seemed bashful. “Well, being the little
shit that I was…When night came along I went down the well, added the Gil to
what I’d already saved up and left – leaving a note behind only to my mother. I
made the treck to Shinra with only a bag of necessities, the clothes on my
back, and my winning personality. I haven’t seen or heard from my dad since
that day.”
                Cloud felt his mouth open, shocked. “What!? Zack – but I’ve
seen you writing at least one letter to your parents – it might have been some
time ago, but I saw it was addressed to them.”
                “I’ve written fifty-seven of them since coming here – the
majority in the last two years. You see, I became Angeal’s pupil barely a month
after joining and he went on about honor, dreams – talked about family with
such passion that well… I didn’t want him to not like me, so I would write
letters for appearances sake and never send them. They were mostly me just
prattling on about how cool Angeal was – yes I was a hero worshiping little
shit like you are, ow – and a few mean remarks about my dad. I can say however
that the letters weren’t snide for long – I knocked it off after, like, ten…or
okay, like, fifteen.”
                “I don’t know why, but you running away from home sounds weird…
You really haven’t contacted them once?” He said he left at fifteen, and he was
nineteen now – that meant four years had gone by!
                Looking back at the paused game screen, Zack grinned slightly.
“Well, twas spite that kept me from sending anything home at first… Did I
mention I was a little shit? Okay, good. Realistically though, my dad told me
if I left for Shinra I would be disinherited.”
                Cloud blinked, slowly.
                “It means I’m not his son anymore. I have no rights to anything
in his name.”
                “I know what it means,” even his voice sounded slow. “I just
cannot imagine anyone being so angry at you – especially your father – that
they’d threaten you with something like that.”
                “Oh, it wasn’t an idle threat – my dad kept his promises like I
do. He swore to do it and I’ve never received a letter from him or mom, even
after my name must have gotten into the papers back home. He also told me he’d
never want to see my face again as long as I lived unless it was because I was
bringing myself home bowed with shame…or in a ‘crate’ shipped back home. Well I
may not quite be the little shit I used to be – but I’m still spiteful enough
that I don’t want to bow my head to him, and I guess I’m too much of an escape
artist to let death get me, y’know?”
                Cloud absorbed all of this quietly, sipping his drink. Zack
surprised him by saying, “I’m doing it again, aren’t I? The thing where I put
my foot in my mouth?” At his questioning look, Zack elaborated. “You just told
me you never got to know your dad and here I am telling you I have the choice
to see mine and I’m refusing to do it.”
                Shaking his head quickly, Cloud hurriedly said, “That isn’t it
– I was just thinking. I want to tell you to make up with them – but if you
haven’t done it, it’s because you probably don’t think you can… Though, I think
you’re already trying to. You said you’d been writing them more often – you
wouldn’t do that without a good reason. Besides, I told you my dad isn’t
relevant – I can’t miss something I never had, only think about it sometimes…
But I’m good. I hardly ever think of him anymore. I rarely did to begin with,
and only then for my mom’s sake.”
                His speech seemed to take Zack off guard, but then the SOLDIER
smiled awkwardly. “Oh, okay. I just thought I had messed up.”
                “You’ve got time to salvage your relationship Zack… If it’s
still hard, I can’t blame you for putting it off.” Absently he realized his
drink was empty and shook the can for something to do. After a moment, he
started, “…if you don’t mind me asking though – why have you been writing more
lately?”
                Zack took his own pause – likely arranging it in his head.
“Well, once Angeal went away” Cloud couldn’t hide his look though he tried –
he’d heard Zack mention Angeal namelessly before but Zack had never talked
about his departure – he closed up no matter who asked him. Now he was
referring to him by name andmentioning his abrupt parting. “I went through a
lot of…inner turmoil, as I know you’re aware of. It’s was hard to keep
distracted, but now I’ve gotten better with dealing with it. I started to write
to occupy my time and eventually I got into the hang of updating them when
something came up – a rumor, a new lead, a bust – just anything. I couldn’t
talk to anybody though I’d tried once or twice with someone, but I couldn’t
manage to. Writing was a nice medium, and I guess since I knew the letters
weren’t going anywhere I could be honest.”
                He looked at Cloud as he said, “Toward the final twelve or so
they’ve focused more on me personally – kind of like a journal. The last two
are more letter-like.”
                “So time…is helping?”
                “Time and something and another.”
                Cloud looked confused, but Zack waved it off. His wave almost
touched the screen and his indigo eyes widened slightly and he laughed.
                “Me and my attention span… You were asking about this old thing
weren’t you? Well, besides having a blast watching it and Angeal duel every
weekend, Angeal liked to just…watch it. I’d sit on the couch with him talkin’
about how boring the shows were, and he’d just massage my scalp like some
secretly trained masseuse as he watched. He didn’t tend to care what was on as
long as something played. I probably annoyed him when I wouldn’t shut up about
how silly it all looked – but he always brought me back with him. I miss a lot
of things about him Cloud,” he said it easily, but Cloud felt how sincere his
words were then. He let the conversation drift back without argument.
                “But I miss that especially. I guess I keep it because like him
I’m turning into an old fart who has obligations to junk and sentimentalities.
This was his first makovision bought with his own Gil, and I sort of inherited
it afterwards.”     
                After he left Shinra, or after he died?Cloud almost asked –
wanting to know what happened to the man Zack cared so much about – but the
question died in his throat. Zack was willing to share so much right now – he
didn’t want to have it all cut away. For Cloud, knowing he knew something this
important mystery man didn’t – somehow it held great power. Even if Zack hadn’t
told Angeal about his dad in fear of his reaction, this was something else
Cloud felt more pride in than what was reasonable.
                “I guess I shouldget a new one, huh? Especially if I’m to enjoy
revenge killing your avatar after the way you cheatedto bring upon my little
guy’s untimely end.”
                Moving his pillow closer so that their knees touched, Cloud
tried to play off how weirdly fast his heart was racing. “No, its fine – you
should keep this one…” At Zack’s curious look, he elaborated with a shrug. “I
mean, if you plan to just slowly kill my chocobo again and again, I’d rather
the pixels be blurry.” They were talking about a bad graphics game involving
gore, but it seemed heated now – something worth bonding over.
                Zack seemed to get what he was saying – which is good because
I’m not sure of what that is exactly– and smiled heartily again – much more
vibrant than the fond looks he’d been throwing around while he talked about his
past. They started the game again and Zack didn’t throw a comeback at Cloud as
they intently tried to slaughter each other, but Cloud noticed when Zack
scooted closer, putting them hip-to-hip.
                He wisely didn’t say a word.
               
Chapter End Notes
     There is more to this story than these three chapters, but I might
     just end it here or do some rewriting on the next few chapters. I'd
     like to hear your comments on if it should go on with this one or
     keep it how it is so far.
***** Currents IV *****
Chapter Summary
     Cloud decides if he and Zack aren’t going to stop because they don’t
     want to be without each other, then he’s got to be brave and try
     something he never expected to do with a man. Very virgin Cloud gets
     a learning experience – Zack teaches him he doesn’t need to worry
     about a man’s touch – as long as that touch is his.
                Cloud wouldn’t say the words, but he’d figured it out. He
thought of Zack constantly now and without planning it with each other anymore
– they’d begun spending as much time together as they could. It almost seemed
greedy and sort of desperate, like they were running out of time – despite that
being what they seemed to have in abundance.
                Cloud wasn’t exactly sure how long ago That Time happened –
four months maybe? He’d turned sixteen several weeks ago, and the SOLDIER exam
was only twenty-eight days away. It filled him with dread and awe thinking
about it – he was decades more prepared than last time but still he worried
he’d fail…and yet he dreamed he’d become SOLDIER.
                He’d talked about it extensively with Zack – to the point he
should have annoyed his friend but didn’t. Zack talked about a whole lot too –
more stories of him and Angeal and some about living in Gongaga. He didn’t
exaggerate his exploits as a SOLDIER – as much anyway – but he told and retold
some of Cloud’s favorite stories, even indulging in ones that involved the
General. Cloud wondered why he rolled his eyes at those?
                Anyway, looking back – it felt like a year had gone by in such
a short time. Where once it was awkward to touch, now it felt weird not to. He
wasn’t sure when everything flipped, but he couldn’t lie – no he wouldn’t lie –
he liked the changes coming from it. There were times he still got wary Zack
would make a move – but…
                Mostly he just wondered if he would. He didn’t lie to himself
any longer – he knew why Zack had done it – even though it was the reason that
didn’t make sense. Zack loved him; he certainly acted like it – to the point
Cloud was forced to face it. He didn’t get whythough. He wasn’t SOLDIER or at
least he wasn’t yet, and Zack had other close friends who were attractive
enough if the ravenette was into guys – which he must have been to do what he
did That Time.
                But, assured of Zack’s feelings, if not baffled by them – that
left Cloud to sort through his own. He definitely liked and enjoyed Zack’s
company, liked what he’d felt Zack do to him, and he often found himself
thinking of their kiss. It was all great – but Cloud couldn’t help but wonder
if he was willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of more.
                As Zack proved they could remain friends afterwards, Cloud was
left trying to gather advice without giving anything away. It wasn’t unheard of
for men to be together but it seemed frowned on at least – attacked at the
most. If they went further no one could know about it; Cloud eventually decided
that was fine with him. He wasn’t a ‘public display of affection’ guy to begin
with.
                What worried him and had him stressed was more the thought of
him and Zack in bed than anything outside of the bedroom. The SOLDIER had
already taken the initiative, and Cloud was freaked. He wasn’t going to pretend
he wasn’t. He didn’t like the thought of someone having power over him and
making him feel vulnerable. It was logical that if guys got together
romantically then they had sex together, and Cloud knew from the harsh jokes
sometimes told about penetration then Zack would want to…
                Thinking about it alone made him want to wince. He knew trying
to not think about it wasn’t working – it was all he thought about with or
without Zack’s company. As the days went by he felt more pressured to make a
decision even though Zack wasn’t the one pressuring – Cloud was doing it to
himself.
                His last straw of patience broke when Zack pulled him into his
lap that evening. They’d grown accustomed to sitting on pillows or sometimes –
like they’d been doing – Cloud sitting between Zack’s legs on the pillow
playing the game around each other’s arms – and yescheating and elbowing like
crazy.
                Being onZack’s lap though… This was different. He wasn’t ever
unaware of how strong and built Zack was but right then Zack’s body came into
high definition. How warm his skin was, how strong his arms were – how right,
uh, tight his lap was. Zack wasn’t even hard or trying to fluster him – too
intent on trying not to fall off the arena in the game to even see how flushed
Cloud’s face had become.
                Cloud decided enough was enough. He was tired of feeling like
this – so unsure and wanting more of something that honestly terrified him.
Going any further without finally talking it out – it was only going to make it
hurt more in the end if Cloud told Zack he didn’t think this was something he
could do.
                “Zack…”
                His friend was very into the game but sent him a puzzled look
as Cloud’s avatar refused to dodge any of his attacks or jump to avoid the
rolling barrels in the game. He paused it and glanced down, resting his chin on
Cloud’s hair. It was probably for the best he moved for this, and so more
reluctant than he cared to admit, he moved to sit in front of Zack, crossing
his legs.
                “What’s up?”
                Zack looked genuinely baffled – clearly caught off guard by his
sudden change in mood. Swallowing and working up the nerve, Cloud said, “We
need to talk.”
                “Alright. Shoot.”
                Sometimes Zack was a little too amiable. Resisting a sigh, he
clarified, “Really talk. About…us.”
                Zack’s eyes lit up slight with understanding – some worry, but
mostly apprehension. It seemed he’d been waiting for this too – but as soon as
Cloud thought that he realized how stupid he was being.
                Of course he’s been waiting for this. He’s liked me a longer
than I’ve liked him.Cloud found himself amazed Zack had been able to keep it
together if he felt anything like Cloud did now. Though I guess That Time might
have been him losing control… Still if I wasn’t so terrified, I’d probably have
confronted him already and done something myself.
               “Cloud? You okay? You’re just staring at me.”
                He halfheartedly raised the controller.
                “You want to…just keep playing?”
                Zack was more merciful than Cloud had been – already offering
him an out. He was tempted to take it, very temped to, but he wanted to just
get it out and over with.
                “No, no I don’t… Um… Zack you, you love me right?”
                It felt so awkward to say it out loud – like he was making an
assumption – but Zack didn’t even pause to consider the question.
                “Yes.”
                Frazzled slightly from the quick reply, he swallowed and
croaked, “Why?”
                Crossing his own legs, still apprehensive but hopeful, Zack
explained, “I just…fell in love with you a little at a time. You’d do something
obnoxiously cute – never realizing it – and I’d love it. You’d get unreasonably
or okay, sometimes reasonably upset – and I just love the way your gaze gets
really intense when you’re mad. I like your voice and your smell – I love
hearing you say my name, and I love the fact you’ve sprayed my cologne on
secretly.”
                Cloud flushed, opening his mouth to disagree before closing his
lips tightly. Zack winked. “SOLDIER nose, and all. I’ve been leaving it out
when you come over ‘cause I knew you’d be too embarrassed and adorable to ask.”
                Unable to form words, he looked away. Zack kindly took the
reins, asking, “Do you think it’s strange because were both guys?”
                He was cutting to the core of the problem, then. Cloud decided
if Zack was going to be honest then so would he. Without sugar coating it,
Cloud nodded. “Yes.”
                Not looking peeved or even surprised, Zack scratched his cheek.
“I could tell you about people I know who have this sort of relationship…but
that doesn’t really matter. I could say its fine to feel this way, but since
you do – you’re probably trying to tell yourself that already… What I’m going
to say is this: it’s okay to be confused.”
                At Cloud’s perplexed frown, Zack went on.
                “I like girls. I like their fair skin, their long hair, their
kissable lips and the perfumes they wear.” Cloud felt more flustered to hear
this – how was he supposed to respond to the sudden declaration of hetero after
what Zack had just claimed beforehand!? After what he’d done? Zack didn’t seem
to want a response, however.
                “That’s me – a lady’s man. I know people just like me who like
women but don’t date them. I know people who hate women and date them. I
personally value how lovely they are – won’t say they can’t get me up in the
morning, if you know what I mean… But, I know whoI am. I’ve tried women, and
let me tell you – they can be fun, but for me? I want to be with a guy – but
not just anyone. I only want a certain someone.”
                Torn several different ways over Zack’s statement, he didn’t
know how to answer it. Zack again proved how kind he was.
                “You on the other hand… I’m the closest thing you’ve had to
being with a guy, and you’ve never fooled around with a girl, have you?”
                Shaking his head, Cloud couldn’t quite keep the shamed blush
off his face.
                “You don’t have to be embarrassed about it. Maybe I’m not one
to talk considering I wasn’t technicallysixteen the first time I had sex – but…
It’s fine to want to wait – to choose to do that.”
                Cloud almost felt led on by that statement, but chose not to
ask. Instead he sighed and looked down – he wasn’t even surprised their knees
were touching.
                “Then what should I do?”
                “I can’t answer that for you, Chocobo.” The nickname was purely
endearment – not patronizing. “You could…” Zack took a deep breath and then let
it out. “You could find a girl you like and…try.” Cloud looked at him, baffled.
“I’ll wait for you if you really want to try the fairer sex out.” He was
smiling, but by now Cloud knew Zack’s looks better than his own. There wasn’t
anything easy about it. Actually, he seemed terrified of his own suggestion.
                “Or?”
                He was hoping Zack would have a different reply – even had a
guess as to what it was – and he wasn’t disappointed when Zack spoke again.
                “Or we could sleep together and see where it takes us. It
doesn’t have to be now if you aren’t ready – like I said, I’ll wait.”
                It was down to the wire, truth or chicken out. Cloud took a
deep breath and continued with the flow of the conversation – keeping things
blunt.
                “I’m afraid.”
                Zack gave him a bewildered look.
                “Of what?” Cloud didn’t explain and simply waited, gripping his
knees. After a few moments Zack’s eyes lit up with understanding.
                “Of…sex?”
                “That’s not what...” Cloud sighed uneasily. “I feel like I’d be
less nervous if I was with a girl, but I don’t want...somebody else.” I want
you.It was close enough to the synonyms he wanted to use. Zack looked relieved
at his admission. Actually his openly expressive relief made Cloud almost pity
him.
                “Thank Gaia… But what are you afraid of?”
                An apparently very dry look was all Zack needed before his eyes
widened in understanding.
                “Oh… Penetration?”
                A single nod. Cloud watched Zack think for several moments,
gently tapping one of his socked covered feet under his knee – unlike Cloud he
didn’t seem nearly as embarrassed or worked up over the conversation.
                “I wouldn’t hurt you, y’know.”
                Cloud must have looked far less distrusting than even he’d
meant to, because Zack looked wounded. “Really – I’d do my very best to prepare
you. I wouldn’t just stick it in like an inconsiderate asshole.”
                Cloud blushed, then scowled. “You promise?” The severity in his
voice took Zack by surprise. “Of course!” As soon as the promise was made, Zack
blanched.
                “Wait, was thisthe reason for hesitating so much?”
                “Look, I get the basics of what s-sex would imply okay, and it
sounds painful. I- I don’t think I can commit to anything if it’s going to
hurt. I don’t like the idea.” How come he isn’t as flustered about this as I
am!
                Relieved beyond words, Zack grinned.
                “Cloud, you don’t have anything to worry about. I know what I’m
doing. In this regard, you should be happy you have an experienced lover like
me!”
                ‘Lover’ made Cloud’s face burn worse, and he tried to hide half
of it under his bang. “You – if it doesn’t work out, we can still…be friends
right?” That was another burning fear he had. What if trying this next step
destroyed whatever progress they’d painstakingly made? When he didn’t get an
answer he looked up and saw Zack lean in to gently kiss him.
                “Cloud, we’ll always be friends.”
                Cloud hadn’t had much time in his life to practice kissing and
awkwardly made an attempt. There were more things they needed to say – but
Cloud just wanted to move on. It was pointless to talk about things they hadn’t
at least attempted before worrying about them. Zack was trying to make that
abundantly clear.
                When Zack leaned back, he was cringing. “What?” Cloud felt
instantly defensive. Smiling with an almost bashful expression Zack moved to
pull him closer and cup his chin. “Cloud Strife, that kissed sucked.” Blanching
at his forwardness, Cloud growled, “You ass!”
                “Practice makes perfect, so let’s try again.” Before Cloud
could tell him no way assholeZack’s lips were on his again – more firmly and a
bit more demanding. This one was better – felt more realistic. Zack pulled
away, looking much more pleased with their progress.
                “Getting better!”
                When he tried to push them apart, Cloud frowned. “What are you
doing?” Looking surprised, Zack said, “Uh, well um, Cloud…”
                “We can keep going.” Zack looked at him skeptically. “Keep
going? Are you…sure?” Squeezing Zack’s shirt, he nodded firmly. “If I don’t
like it… It’ll only hurt worse afterward if we…prolong this.” Zack looked
somber at the aspect but after a moment nodded and stood up. Unsurely, Cloud
let Zack take his hand and help him up.
                “What are we doing?”
                “Going to my bedroom… I’m not going to take you out here on the
floor.”
                Biting his bottom lip, Cloud followed Zack and was surprised
when he turned the hallway light on. They went into the bedroom, and he shut
off the bedroom light – but propped the door wide open. He must have been
watching intently because Zack answered without glancing over at him.
                “I want you to see…and know you can leave at any time.”
                Cloud wanted to assure him he felt safe with the SOLDIER but
held off. Zack was obviously doing this for his benefit and Cloud appreciated
the offer. Inside the room, Zack turned to him – carefully looking him over.
                “I thought of hundreds of ways I wanted to do this… But this is
so new to you it’s probably better if you lead.”
                When Cloud prompted him with a look, Zack gently said, “Let’s
undress – take off whatever you feel comfortable removing and we’ll start from
there.” Cloud paused – caught with cold feet – but Zack slipped his shirt off
smoothly and easily over his head. It was only the SOLDIER’s chest – but for
him it was a bit more. He wanted to have that himself some day and running away
seemed…childish.
                He carefully removed his shirt, laying it down on the floor
with a bit more care than Zack. Then watched, with some amusement, as Zack
undid both belts keeping his pants on. “What’s with that look?”
                Shaking his head, Cloud undressed – being brave and stripping
down to his boxers alongside Zack. After that he wasn’t sure what he wanted to
do. Zack went and sat on the bed and cajoled him to come closer – Cloud
complied and yelped slightly when Zack tugged him down to sit in his lap. He
was stricken with the thought of being entered, but rationalized it would be
impossible with both of them still wearing their undergarments.
                “Relax, Spike. This is just another game – two player. We’ll
set the difficulty on easy, beginner level stuff. We’ll progress together, eh?”
Zack’s easy fire suggestion made Cloud laugh and some of the tightness in his
muscles relaxed.
                “Okay.”
                It became second nature to follow Zack’s example. He placed his
warm hands on Cloud’s sides and rubbed soothing circles, massaging his thumbs
upward and pressing his fingers into skin. The exploratory touches were gentle
and nothing rash – Cloud followed his lead, trailing his hands down Zack’s
body.
                I wish my hands weren’t so cold… He probably does too.
               As he traced his slim fingers over Zack’s collarbone, Cloud’s
eyes widened. He’s really…amazing. I want… I want to have a body like this.
Muscular, strong – handsome…
               He was startled as Zack’s tongue tickled his neck, before teeth
gently grazed over his skin. Shivering, he closed his eyes gently as he exposed
his neck – it was good enough to want more.
                “You won’t regret this later will you?”
                “I… I’m leaving that up to you.”
                It was more trust than he was willing to put into anyone else.
Zack seemed strengthened with resolve by his admission if anything.
                “Alright.”
                He moved them, shifting to put Cloud underneath him and to
crouch over him. It was enough to set him on edge again but Zack didn’t make
any sudden advances. He continued to kiss and suck and gently bite Cloud’s
neck, and eagerly welcomed any touches Cloud offered.
                Underneath Zack’s body, as the minutes ticked by his courage
grew. He slipped his hand down the hard curves of Zack’s contoured stomach and
slowly moved to the waist band on his briefs. He could see the tent starting to
harden and Cloud took a deep breath before slipping them down.
                He didn’t know what he was expecting, but he was strangely calm
seeing it. It was bigger than him, wider too – and had dark pelvis hairs.
Almost on autopilot, he took it into his palm and slowly stroked it – slightly
amazed to feel Zack’s cock react to the touch and grow in his hand. It was
almost dizzying to have this kind of power over someone.
                “Oh, Cloud… That feels good.”
                Swallowing, Cloud felt one of Zack’s hands slowly caress down
his body to start rubbing his inner thighs. The SOLDIER’s hand crept along
underneath the briefs to touch pelvis hair, then slowly dragged back out
lightly scraping nails across sensitive skin. It felt arousing, ticklish, and
somehow juvenile despite its intimate attempt.
                “That feel good?”
                Zack didn’t need to ask – his near touches were obviously
making Cloud poke him in the thigh. He merely nodded wordlessly. As things
tended to progress Cloud did something out of curiosity, he gave Zack’s cock a
few firmer strokes before rubbing his thumb over the head. If Zack’s happy sigh
was anything to go by, he enjoyed it.
                Eventually Zack slid his boxers off so Cloud wouldn’t have to
keep pulling them down – Cloud steadily giving him a hand job without pausing
as he watched him move and lift his legs, bending to accomplish it. Zack’s
mouth never stopped either. When he had to bend back to slip them under his
knees, he sucked at Cloud’s belly button, licking teasingly lightly in and out.
When he crawled back over he finally kissed Cloud’s mouth – something the
blonde hadn’t even known he’d been waiting for.
                He didn’t watch his own boxers get taken off, but he enjoyed
the feeling of Zack’s hand around his erection in return for the favor. “Cloud…
Do you want me to make you cum before we move on, or can you hold out…?” Cloud
took a moment to breathe before deciding, “I want – I want to be hard when you…
I don’t know if I can take it otherwise.”
                With a nod, Zack moved to play with one of his ears, breathing
hot air into it before whispering, “I’m going to kick it up to the next level
if you’re willing… Your hand feels so good you’ll make me cum at this rate.”
The words were more arousing than they had the right to be, and Cloud reclined
his head back to watch Zack stretch over to dig in the nightstand table beside
the bed. After a soft curse or two and a reach and grab, Zack withdrew a bottle
of clear liquid. He almost thought it was water and was going to assure Zack he
wasn’t thirsty before Zack set it down beside him.
                “Raise your legs, here – like this.” Cloud let Zack hike one of
his legs up to rest his ankle over Zack’s shoulder – being on his back with
Zack on his knees in front of him made the position easy. He watched as Zack
opened the cap and noticing his look, say, “Lube, so it’s easier.” Cloud must
have looked doubtful because Zack’s eyebrows raised – followed by clarity.
                “No wonder you thought it was going to hurt like hell. Here,
just watch Cloudy.” Cloud did watch – carefully studying Zack as he squirted a
quarter splosh onto his fingers. Now he saw it was definitely liquid – but had
some slight semblance to a weak gel. He flinched when wet fingers pressed
against him.
                “Don’t be scared – I’m going to take care of you. Remember?”
Zack looked so happy and yet so serious the blonde grunt found himself at least
trying to relax again. “I’m going to put a finger in now so you can get used to
the feeling okay? It shouldn’t hurt – just feel a little odd.”
                The explanation made things easier – Cloud twitched after
watching Zack lather his fingers and then bring his hand down again. Cloud
started stroking Zack off again – if just to give him something to do besides
squirm at the feeling of a finger digging inside of him. I didn’t know about
this… I would have freaked out if he hadn’t said anything.
               Before long, Zack warned, “I’m going to add another. This might
be a bit uncomfortable – but you’ll get used to it okay?” With a deep breath in
and then out, Cloud nodded. “Go for it.” Zack was right – almost at once it
felt uncomfortable and he grimaced – squirming as the feeling refused to go
away right after.
                “You’re really tight.” If he was going to follow it up with
something he didn’t – instead he just diligently continued making use of his
fingers inside Cloud’s body. He paused every now and again to close his eyes
and sigh, evidently turned on enough by Cloud’s hand job to need a minute.
                Cloud liked the way Zack twitched in his hand and thickened –
couldn’t help but trace the barely visible veins. He wanted to ask if he could
just do this – could just stroke him off. He’d even be more than willing to
suck Zack like he’d done to Cloud if it meant getting Zack’s fingers out of him
and saving him from this fat thing entering his body.
                Zack spoke up before he could however – looking slightly
dismayed. “I’m going to add a third finger in, Cloudy. It’ll probably hurt a
little now.” Cloud couldn’t hide his look of worry, asking, “How much is a
‘little?’” Instead of answering Zack pulled Cloud’s hand away from his cock and
settled it on his knee. “Just don’t tense or it’ll be more difficult. You’re
doing great. Squeeze me here if the pain is tight for a moment.” He didn’t
really know what Zack meant but gave a shaky okay.
                Three fingers slid inside and Cloud hissed, “Ow!” Zack moved
his other hand to Cloud’s cock and pumped it with slow and firm strokes –
trying to stimulate him but not bring him to climax. “Ah, Zack, I can’t – it
feels weird!” Bending down to gently nuzzle Cloud’s cheek while his fingers
still worked inside of him, he whispered, “It’s alright baby. Try to bare it a
little longer. In under the next few minutes this will all start feeling worth
it – I swear.”
                Cloud continued to ride out the next two minutes uncomfortably,
watching Zack’s fingers stretch his anus open and trying to enjoy Zack’s strong
hand pumping his cock. It was a good distraction. When Cloud felt and saw
Zack’s hand withdraw he sighed happily, but quickly remembered what came next.
He sat up immediately.
                “Zack, I’m scared.” He hadn’t wanted to say it – but he was. A
few kisses and strokes had him unhappily lying back against the sheets,
pouting. He lifted his leg again, then the other when Zack pushed it up. Cloud
yelped when slick wetness slithered beneath his balls to slide their way down
to and inside his rectum. Zack had dumped some more lube, and was currently
coating his hand with it and rubbing his cock.
                “This stuff works really well, trust me.”
                Still uneasy but accepting his role at this point, Cloud
clutched the back of his knees like Zack asked him to. Zack paused to admire
him for some time – slowly stroking himself. “Zack?”
                With a shake, indigo eyes focused again and he moved Cloud to
let his legs rest on Zack’s hips and suggested Cloud clutch the SOLDIER’s knees
again. “Why like this?”
                Bluntly, Zack said, “You looked too hot how you were… I was
afraid I’d never make inside. Besides, you can squeeze when it’s okay to slide
further in.”
                “Slide further?”
                “Yes. Here comes the last part before the pleasure, alright?
I’m going to put the head inside – I won’t go further until you tell me. I’ll
move an inch at a time until you’ve adjusted.”
                Cloud hesitantly asked, “Will it hurt?” He knew it would, but
craved another assurance. “It will, but I’ll do whatever I can to make it be as
gentle for you as possible. Remember, I’ll stop whenever you say to.”
                With one final deep breath, he said, “Okay… Okay. I’m ready.”
                Watching himself get entered was a strange experience. As the
head disappeared from view he was aware of the invasive stretch inside out. He
grimaced, gritting his teeth. “You okay?” He was – he could take this.
“Alright, I’ll move in a moment. Just take it in nice and slowly okay – don’t
tense up.”
                Trying to obey, he shut his eyes as Zack moved in. He could
handle it near silently until Zack was halfway in, then his control broke.
“Zack, this hurts!” With a kiss to his brows and down his nose, Zack withdrew
until only the head remained and stayed still. Cloud wanted it all out of him
but didn’t tell him to stop as he slowly pushed his way back in.
                Almost in amazement, he marveled as Zack’s cock didn’t pause
until it reached where it had been. “Any better yet Cloudy?” Dumbly, he nodded.
Relieved, Zack urged on further – carefully watching until Cloud started to
wince and then withdrawing. He’d push back after several seconds and Cloud
found the process working – his body was accepting Zack’s intrusion little by
little.
                When he was almost all seated, Zack brushed something that
almost made Cloud hurt himself. He whimpered and twitched – eyes widened in
shock. Zack stopped at once – afraid he’d done something wrong. It took a few
blinks before Cloud stuttered, “You hit something weird…” A slight frown,
before: “Ah. That must be where it is.”
                A few sentences later, and Cloud knew what to call the weird
place Zack had skimmed. “Try not to hit it again.” Zack actually laughed.
“You’ll want me to in a minute. Once you adjust.” Confused, he asked, “You can
go further first.” His friend only grinned, and it wasn’t until he’d looked
down he realized Zack’s pelvis was firmly against his own – he’d already come
full inside and held steady while explaining his prostate.
                The next few minutes were a blur – Zack started slowing
thrusting in and out of him while Cloud clutched the sheets under him, staring
up in confusion – unsure if he liked or didn’t like the feeling. Then Zack hit
that place again and Cloud bucked. Zack almost hissed his name at the dazed
look he received.
                Hardly long after, Cloud was sucking Zack’s tongue as his
friend – his lover’s – thrusts picked up. The pain had faded away and every
time Zack hit him just right or even rubbed up against the gland, Cloud moaned
into the kiss. It was still weird and strange and new – but it was quickly
turning into something he liked.
                He grew vocal as the feelings continued getting better and
tried to muffle his moans, but Zack eventually moved to braid their fingers
together and lock Cloud’s hands beside his head. Zack’s reassuring grip only
seemed to increase his heart rate – which Cloud didn’t understand. When Zack
let go to move his hands along his body again and stroke him, Cloud writhed
against the bed.
                Just when he thought Zack’s stroking and fucking might make him
cum, Zack let go and moved his hands to his hips to lift him – Cloud groaned as
Zack left him – not from pain but from an aching neediness. “Hold on,” was the
grunt as Zack moved to sit on the edge of the bed, Cloud astride his lap. With
hurried movements from both, Cloud sank back down and gasped. The angle was
different, and Cloud almost passed out as it lined up perfectly with something
he hadn’t even known existed before today.
                His arms circled around Zack’s biceps with his fingers digging
into shoulder blades as Zack guided his hips – helping him roll and find a good
way to use his knees as a bounce board. “You like this, Cloudy?” He’d been made
wordless multiple times tonight, but never for a reason like this. This time he
could only nod as Zack seemingly broke him with each thrust – but yet never
hurt him in the slightest.
                He reached his peak fast, held on edge by fear of getting off
to quickly and lack of touching. Finally, he whimpered that he couldn’t take
anymore and Zack sucked harder along his neck, promising soon. Soon almost
didn’t come fast enough – Zack moved quicker the last minute, bringing Cloud up
and down instead of guiding him. Finally, he let go once satisfied Cloud could
shakenly do it himself and with quick strokes unlike his earlier one stroked
Cloud off and watched the entire thing – grunting as he felt Cloud clench,
knowingly sharing just how good he felt. He wanted to cum but tried to hold off
– in his eagerness he’d forgotten to put a condom on and didn’t want to burden
Cloud – but in the end, his body just reacted keenly to Cloud’s orgasm,
following suit before he could pull out.
                Cloud clutched at him desperately, so vulnerable and vibrant
that Zack couldn’t resist taking his breath away with another kiss, intently
watching even through his own blast off.
                Afterward, exhausted, Cloud laid beside him in bed and Zack
caressed his face. He mumbled something a few times but was too tired to speak
up. As he drifted off, Zack knew if he wanted to be an attentive lover he
needed to get up and clean them up a bit – like Angeal used to do.
                Thoughts of Angeal after sex gave him mixed feelings, but
looking at Cloud put him at ease. A year and a half had gone by since they’d
last met in secret – there was no telling if he’d lived or died with his
friend. If he still hadn’t come back after devastatingly leaving him behind –
…Zack wasn’t going to agonize silently over it any longer. He didn’t know what
he’d do if Angeal ended up being alive, but he knew he wasn’t going to give
Cloud up. Not after what they’d finally done.
                Closing his eyes, he breathed in Cloud’s lovely scent – even
the new ones. He spoke quietly as he drifted off, refusing to untuck from
Cloud’s side to clean them up. Cloud would forgive him.
                “I hope your well, ‘Geal… I’d like you to meet someone if
you’re still alive. I think…you’d like them.” To Cloud, he murmured, “We both
did a good job, if I say so myself… I’m so glad we can finally…do this.”
                The silence in the room wasn’t lonely at all, and Zack quickly
fell asleep tucking his arm around Cloud’s body and pulling him close. Having
him in his arms – not as a best friend but a lover – it was an indescribable
feeling.
                He slept better that night than he could ever remember
sleeping.
                They both did.
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